Title: More Goops and How Not to Be Them
Author: Burgess, Gelett, 1866-1951
Language: English
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MORE GOOPS AND HOW NOT TO BE THEM

By Gelett Burgess

[Illustration]



_Books by Gelett Burgess_

    VIVETTE; or the Memoirs of the Romance Association. Small, Maynard
    & Co., Boston. 152 pp. 8vo. $1.25

    A GAGE OF YOUTH; Poems, chiefly from the "Lark." 58 pp. Small 8vo.
    Small, Maynard & Co., Boston. $1.00

    THE ROMANCE OF THE COMMONPLACE; A Collection of Essays upon the
    Romantic View of Life. 152 pp. Small 4to. Elder & Shepard, San
    Francisco. $1.50

    THE LIVELY CITY O' LIGG; A Cycle of Modern Fairy Tales for City
    Children. With 53 illustrations (8 in color) by the Author.
    Frederick A. Stokes Co., New York. 210 pp. Small 4to. $1.50.
    Boards, $1.00

    THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK; Being a complete Collection of the
    Humorous Masterpieces of Gelett Burgess, Esq. With 196 illustrations
    by the Author. 239 pp. Small 4to. Frederick A. Stokes Co., New York.
    Cloth, $2.00 net. Boards, $1.25

    GOOPS, and How to Be Them; A Manual of Manners for Polite Infants.
    With 90 illustrations by the Author. Frederick A. Stokes Co., New
    York. 88 pp. 5th edition. Small 4to. $1.50

    MORE GOOPS, and How Not to Be Them; A Manual of Manners for
    Impolite Infants. With 90 illustrations by the Author. 88 pp.
    Small 4to. Frederick A. Stokes Co., New York. $1.50



MORE GOOPS AND HOW NOT TO BE THEM


A Manual of Manners for Impolite Infants Depicting the Characteristics
of Many Naughty and Thoughtless Children With Instructive Illustrations

By GELETT BURGESS


NEW YORK

Frederick A. Stokes Company

Publishers


COPYRIGHT, 1903, BY GELETT BURGESS

_Published September, 1903_

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: (Ex Libris)]



[Illustration]

[Illustration: CONTENTS]


_CONTENTS_


  Introduction                           Goop! Goop! Goop!
  Window-Smoochers                       Visiting
  A Low Trick                            Picking and Stealing
  When to Go                             Loyalty
  "Ain't"                                Indolence
  Nell the Nibbler                       The Law of Hospitality
  Justice                                The Flower Hospital
  A Puzzle                               Puppy Goops
  Frankness                              Exaggeration
  The Duty of the Strong                 Noise! Noise! Noise!
  Walking with Papa                      Stealing Rides
  Piano Torture                          Untidy Goops
  At Table                               A Goop Party
  How to Eat Soup                        Inquisitiveness
  Baby's Apology                         Don't Be Good
  In the Street                          Write Right!
  Sick Furniture                         Wet Feet
  Borrowed Plumes                        Dress Quickly!
  The Goop Picnic                        Danger!
  Book-Manners                           The Reason Why
  Poor Mother!                           In Goop Attire
  Cheating                               Impossible



[Illustration]

[Illustration: Introduction]


_INTRODUCTION_


  Children, although you might expect
  My manners to be quite correct
  (For since I fancy I can teach,
  I ought to practice what I preach),
  'Tis true that I have often braved
  My mother's wrath, and misbehaved!
  And almost every single rule
  I broke, before I went to school!
  For that is how I learned the way
  To teach you etiquette to-day.
  So when you chance to take a look
  At all the maxims in the book,
  You'll see that most of them are true,
  I found them out, and so will you,
  For if you are as GOOP derided,
  You may perhaps reform, as I did!



[Illustration]

[Illustration: Window-Smoochers]


_WINDOW-SMOOCHERS_


  Little Goops are marking
    On the window pane;
    I forbid, in vain!
  Noses, when they're greasy,
  Leave a smooch so easy!
    Rub it out again!
  I shall have to scold them,
  For I've often told them,
    Kindly, to refrain!



[Illustration]

[Illustration: A Low Trick]


_A LOW TRICK_


  The meanest trick I ever knew
  Was one I know _you_ never do.
  I saw a Goop once try to do it,
  And there was nothing funny to it.
  He pulled a chair from under me
  As I was sitting down; but he
  Was sent to bed, and rightly, too.
  It was a _horrid_ thing to do!



[Illustration]

[Illustration: When To Go]


_WHEN TO GO_


  When you go a-calling,
    Never stay too late;
  You will wear your welcome out
    If you hesitate!
  Just before they're tired of you,
    Just before they yawn,
  Before they think you are a Goop,
    And wish that you were gone,
  While they're laughing with you,
    While they like you so,
  While they want to keep you,--
    _That's_ the time to go!



[Illustration]

[Illustration: "Ain't"]


_"AIN'T"_


  Now "ain't" is a word
  That is very absurd
   To use for an "isn't" or "aren't."
  Ask Teacher about it:
  She'll say, "Do without it!"
   I wish you would see if you can't!



[Illustration]

[Illustration: Nell the Nibbler]


_NELL THE NIBBLER_


  She ate some chocolate drops at 1,
    At 2, she thought she'd take
  A little jelly and a bun;
    At 3, some frosted cake.

  At 4, she nibbled at a roll;
    At 5, a doughnut spied,
  And ate it (all except the hole),
    And then some cookies tried.

  At 6, she didn't feel quite right,
    And didn't care for dinner.
  She said she had no appetite,
    With so much Goop-food in her!



[Illustration]

[Illustration: Justice]


_JUSTICE_


  Whenever brother's sent to bed,
    Or punished, do not go
  And peer at him and jeer at him,
    And say, "I told you so!"

  Nor should you try to make him laugh
    When he has been so bad;
  Let him confess his naughtiness
    Before you both are glad!



[Illustration]

[Illustration: A Puzzle]


_A PUZZLE_


  There are about a thousand things
    I'm not allowed to do;
  Most everything I'm fondest of
    I'm told is wrong--are you?

  They say, "_Please don't do that, my child!_"
    They say, "_You mustn't, dear!_"
 I hope sometime I'll learn what's right,
   For now it seems so queer!



[Illustration]

[Illustration: Frankness]


_FRANKNESS_


  When you are talking, I expect
  You'd better hold your head erect!
  Please look me squarely in the eye
  Unless you're telling me a lie.
  For if you crouch and look askance,
  Regarding me with sidelong glance,
  I'll think it is a Goop I see
  Who is _afraid_ to look at me!



[Illustration]

[Illustration: The Duty of the Strong]


_THE  DUTY OF  THE  STRONG_


  You who are the oldest,
  You who are the tallest,
  Don't you think you ought to help
  The youngest and the smallest?

  You who are the strongest,
  You who are the quickest,
  Don't you think you ought to help
  The weakest and the sickest?

  Never mind the trouble,
  Help them all you can;
  Be a little woman!
  Be a little man!



[Illustration]

[Illustration: Walking With Papa]


_WALKING WITH PAPA_


  "Won't you walk a little farther?"
    Said a Goop to his Papa;
  "It is really quite delightful,
    And we haven't travelled far;
  Wont you walk a little farther,
    There's a house I'd like to see!
  Won't you walk a little farther,
    Till we reach that cherry-tree?"

  "Won't you carry me? I'm tired!"
    Whined a Goop to his Papa;
  "And my feet are sore and weary,
    And we've gone so _very_ far!
  Won't you carry me? I'm tired!
    And I _can't_ walk back alone!
  Won't you carry me? I'm tired!"
    And the Goop began to groan.



[Illustration]

[Illustration: Piano Torture]


_PIANO TORTURE_


  Pianos are considered toys
  By Goops, and naughty girls and boys;
    They pound upon the keys,
  They lift the cover up, on top,
  To see the little jiggers hop,
    And both the pedals squeeze!

  But instruments so rich and fine
  (Especially if they're not mine)
    I ought to treat with care;
  So when my elder sister plays
  She'll find it is in tune always,
   Nor injured anywhere!



[Illustration]

[Illustration: At Table]


_AT TABLE_

  Why is it Goops must always wish
  To touch _each_ apple on the dish?
  Why do they never neatly fold
  Their napkins until they are told?
  Why do they play with food, and bite
  Such awful mouthfuls?  Is it right?
  Why do they tilt back in their chairs?
  _Because they're Goops!_ So no one cares!



[Illustration]

[Illustration: How to Eat Soup]


_HOW TO EAT SOUP_

  Whenever you are eating soup
  Remember not to be a Goop!
  And if you think to say this rhyme,
  Perhaps 'twill help you every time:

  _Like little boats that put to sea,
  I push my spoon AWAY from me;
  I do not tilt my dish, nor scrape
  The last few drops, like hungry ape!_

  _Like little boats, that, almost filled,
  Come back without their cargoes spilled,
  My spoon sails gently to my lips,
  Unloading from the SIDE, like ships._



[Illustration]

[Illustration: Baby's Apology]


_BABY'S APOLOGY_


  Dear little seed, queer little seed,
   Tucked into bed in the garden,
  Why don't you grow? Why, don't you know
    Baby is asking your pardon?

  Out, little seed! Sprout, little seed!
   Baby did wrong without knowing!
  Hoping for you, groping for you,
   To see if you _really_ were growing.

  Break, little seed! Wake, little seed!
   Baby will watch and not harm you.
  Everything's bright, everything's right,
    Nothing is here to alarm you.

  Dress, little seed! Yes, little seed,
    Fold your green leaflets around you;
  _There_, little seed! Fair little seed,
    Baby's _so_ glad he has found you!



[Illustration]

[Illustration: In the Street]


_IN THE  STREET_


  Peelings on the sidewalk,
    Apple-cores and all,
  Kick them in the gutter;
    Save some one a fall!
  Barrel hoops, glass, and cans,
    And wires in the street,
  Kick them in the gutter;
    You'll save some horse's feet!



[Illustration]

[Illustration: Sick Furniture]


_SICK FURNITURE_


  Sitting on the table,
  Standing on the chairs,
  That's the way the legs are broken and the cushion tears!
  How'd you like to pay the bill for varnish and repairs?



[Illustration]

[Illustration: Borrowed Plumes]


_BORROWED PLUMES_


  Don't try on the wraps,
  The bonnets and caps
    Of company coming to call!
  Admire, if you please,
  But garments like these
    Should always feel safe in the hall!



[Illustration]

[Illustration: The Goop Picnic]


_THE GOOP PICNIC_


  They came to the best sort of place for a rest,
    On the grass, with the trees overhead,
  They sat down in a bunch and they opened their lunch,
    And they had a be-autiful spread!

  And when they were done, and they'd had all their fun,
    They proved they were Goops, or were blind;
  For they picked up their wraps and they left all their scraps
    For the _next_ picnic party to find!



[Illustration]

[Illustration: Book Manners]


_BOOK-MANNERS_


  If you scribble on your books,
  How disgustable it looks!
  Here a word, and there a scrawl,
  Silly pictures over all!
  Take a paper, or a slate,
  If you want to decorate!



[Illustration]

[Illustration: Poor Mother!]


_POOR MOTHER!_


  Oh! Isn't it shocking!
  Just look at your stocking!
    Just look at your brand new boots!
  Your waist is all torn
  And your trousers are worn--
    Just _look_ at the holes in your suits!

  Your father is working
  All day, without shirking,
    To pay for the clothes that you wear;
  Your mother is mending
  All day, and attending
    To you, with the kindest of care.

  And so, while you're playing,
  Think of father, who's paying,
    And mother, who's working so hard;
  While you kneel on your knees,
  Or climb up the trees,
    Or make your mud pies in the yard!



[Illustration]

[Illustration: Cheating]


_CHEATING_


  I thought I saw a little Goop
    Who didn't pay his fare;
  I looked again; the passengers
    Were gazing at him, there.
  "They think that he's a thief!" I said;
    "I wonder does he care?"



[Illustration]

[Illustration: Goop! Goop! Goop!]


_GOOP! GOOP! GOOP!_


  Goop! Goop! Goop!
    I wish you'd wash your face!
  Goop! Goop! Goop!
    Your hands are a disgrace!
  Goop! Goop! Goop!
    Put things back in their place!
  I wish you were polite,
    Instead of a
  Goop! Goop! Goop!



[Illustration]

[Illustration: Visiting]


_VISITING_

  When a Goop goes out to visit,
  'T isn't very pleasant, is it,
    To hear him ask his friends for things to eat?
  And to hear the little sinner
  Say he wants to stay to dinner
    Is a piece of impoliteness hard to beat!

  "_Mother said that I could stay_
  _If you asked me!_" is the way
    That a Goop will make them ask him to remain.
  It is better to be slighted
  Than to stay when not invited,
    For they _never_ ask a Goop to come again!



[Illustration]

[Illustration: Picking and Stealing]


_PICKING and STEALING_


  When you are fetching bread, I trust
  You never nibble at the crust

  When in the kitchen, do you linger
  And pinch the cookies with your finger?

  Or do you peck the frosted cake?
  Don't do it, please, for Mother's sake!



[Illustration]

[Illustration: Loyalty]


_LOYALTY_

  Mother's found your mischief out!
    What are you going to do?
  Cry and sulk, or kick and shout?
  Tell your mother all about
    Brother's mischief, too?

  Or,
  Take your punishment, and say,
    "I'll be better, now!"
  Never mind the horrid way
  Brother treated you, at play;
    Don't tell it, anyhow!

  It is the Goops, who have no shame,
  Who say, "_'Twas some one else to blame!_"



[Illustration]

[Illustration: Indolence]


_INDOLENCE_


  There was a Goop who lay in bed
  Till half-past eight, the sleepy-head!
  He couldn't find his stockings, for
  He'd thrown them somewhere on the floor!
  He couldn't find his reading-book;
  He had forgotten where to look!
  His breakfast grew so very cold,
  This lazy Goop began to scold;
  And then he blamed his mother, kind!
  "_You made me late to school_!" he whined.



[Illustration]

[Illustration: The Law of Hospitality]


_THE LAW OF HOSPITALITY_


  There is a very simple rule
    That every one should know;
  You may not hear of it in school,
    But everywhere you go,
  In every land where people dwell,
    And men are good and true,
  You'll find they understand it well,
    And so I'll tell it you:

  _To every one who gives me food,
    Or shares his home with me,
  I owe a debt of gratitude,
    And I must loyal be.
  I may not laugh at him, or say
    Of him a word unkind;
  His friendliness I must repay,
    And to his faults be blind!_



[Illustration]

[Illustration: The Flower Hospital]


_THE FLOWER HOSPITAL_


  I dreamed I found a sunlit room
  Filled with a delicate perfume,
  Where, moaning their sweet lives away,
  A thousand lovely flowers lay.
  They drooped, so pale, and wan, and weak,
  With hardly strength enough to speak,
  With stems so crushed and leaves so torn
  It was too dreadful to be borne!
  And one white lily raised her head
  From off her snowy flower bed.
  And sighed, "_Please tell the children, oh!
  They should not treat the flowers so!
  They plucked us when we were so gay,
  And then they threw us all away
  To wither in the sun all day!
  We all must fade, but we'll forgive
  If they'll let other flowers live_!"



[Illustration]

[Illustration: Puppy Goops]


_PUPPY GOOPS_


  Candy in the cushions
    Of the easy-chair;
  Raisins in the sofa--
    How did they get there?
  The little Goop who's greedy
    Does it every day,
  Like a little puppy,
    Hiding bones away!



[Illustration]

[Illustration: Exaggeration]


_EXAGGERATION_


  Don't try to tell a story
    To beat the one you've heard;
  For if you try, you're apt to lie,
    And _that_ would be absurd!

  Don't try to be more funny
    Than any one in school;
  For if you're not, they'll laugh a lot,
    And think you are a fool!



[Illustration]

[Illustration: Noise! Noise! Noise!]


_NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!_


  Do you slam the door?
    Do you drag your feet?
  Making noise enough for four
  Hundred thousand Goops, or more,
    Tearing up the street?

  Clattering down the stairs,
    Storming through the hall,
  Pounding floors, upsetting chairs,
  Do you think your father cares
    For your noise, at all?



[Illustration]

[Illustration: Stealing Rides]


_STEALING RIDES_


  I thought I saw a little Goop
    Who hung behind a cart;
  I looked again. He'd fallen off!
    It gave me _such_ a start!
  "If he were killed, some day," I said,
    "'Twould break his mother's heart!"



[Illustration]

[Illustration: Untidy Goops]


_UNTIDY GOOPS_


  I think you are a Goop, because
  You never shut your bureau drawers,
    You do not close the door!
  You leave your water in the bowl,
  You put your peelings in the coal!
    I've told you _that_ before!



[Illustration]

[Illustration: A Goop Party]


_A GOOP PARTY_


  "Please come to my party!" said Jenny to Prue;
  "I'm going to have Willy, and Nelly, and you;
  I'm going to have candy and cake and ice-cream,
  We'll play _Hunt-the-Slipper_, we'll laugh and we'll scream.
  We'll dress up in caps, we'll have stories and tricks,
  And you won't have to go till a quarter past six!"
  But alas! When she mentioned her party, at tea,
  Her mother said, "No! It can't possibly be!"
  So Jane had to go and explain to her friends,
  And that is how many a Goop party ends!
  Just speak to your mother _before_ you invite,
  And then it's more likely to happen all right!



[Illustration]

[Illustration: Inquisitiveness]


_INQUISITIVENESS_

  I gave a letter to a Goop
    To take to Mrs. Bird;
  And what d'you think he went and did?
    He read it, every word!
  Now, isn't that the rudest thing
    That you have ever heard?

  Why, he would peep through keyholes,
    And listen at the door!
  And open parcels, just to see
    What came from every store!

  Now, have you ever _ever_ heard
    Of such a Goop before?



[Illustration]

[Illustration: Don't be Good]


_DON'T BE GOOD_


  Just because you want to go
  To the circus, or the show;
  But, when all your fun is o'er,
  Be as good as you were before!


[Illustration: Don't be Bad]


_DON'T BE  BAD_

  Just as long as you dare to be,
  Because your mother doesn't see.
  Do not wait for her to scold,
  But be just as good as gold!



[Illustration]

[Illustration: Write Right!]


_WRITE RIGHT!_


  If you were writing with your nose,
  You'd _have_ to curl up, I suppose,
  And lay your head upon your hand;
  But now, I cannot understand,
  For you are writing with your pen!
  So sit erect, and smile again!
  You need not scowl because you write,
  Nor hold your fingers _quite_ so tight!
  And if you gnaw the holder so,
  They'll take you for a Goop, you know!



[Illustration]

[Illustration: Wet Feet]


_WET FEET_


  Down the street together,
  In the rainy weather,
    Went a pair of little boys along;
  One of them went straying
  In the gutters playing,
    Doing all his mother said was wrong;

  One of them went dashing
  Into puddles splashing,
    Under dripping eaves that soaked him through;
  One of them avoided
  All the other boy did,
    Dodging all the slimy, slushy goo.

  One of them grew chilly;
  Said he felt so ill he
    Knew he'd caught a cold, and coughed a lot!
  The other was so warm he
  Said he _liked_ it stormy!
    Which of them was Goop, and which was not?



[Illustration]

[Illustration: Dress Quickly!]


_DRESS QUICKLY!_


  All your life you'll have to dress,
  Every single day (unless
  You should happen to be sick),
  Why not learn to do it quick?
  Hang your clothes the proper way,
  So you'll find them fresh next day;
  Treat them with a little care,
  Fold them neatly on a chair;
  So, without a bit of worry,
  You can dress in quite a hurry.
  Think of the slovenly Goops, before
  You strew your clothing on the floor!



[Illustration]

[Illustration: Danger!]


_DANGER!_


  Ink, ink! What do you think!
  You're sure to be stained, if you play with the ink!
  You're sure to get black, if you play with the ink-well,
  Before you begin it, just stop once, and think well!
  All over your fingers, all over your face,
  All over your clothes, and all over the place!
  Your mother'll be angry, your father'll say, "_There!
  I said not to touch it; you said you'd take care!_"

  When Goops are so mischievous, they have to drink
  Forty-four dozen bottles of raven black ink!



[Illustration]

[Illustration: The Reason Why]


_THE  REASON WHY_


  Everybody liked Ezekiel.
    Why?
  You could scarcely find his equal.
    Why?
  If he made a mistake,
    He said he was wrong;
  If he went on an errand,
    He wasn't gone long;
  He never would bully,
    Although he was strong!

  Everybody hated Mello.
    Why?
  He was such a surly fellow.
    Why?
  If you asked him for candy,
    He'd hide his away;
  He never would play
    What the rest wished to play;
  He would say _horrid_ words
    That he oughtn't to say!



[Illustration]

[Illustration: In Goop Attire]


_IN GOOP ATTIRE_


  I'll make you a dress of a towel,
    And trim it all over with soap,
  With a sponge for a hat
  And a wet one, at that!
    And _then_ you'll be happy, I hope!
  You may act like a Goop, if you please,
  In garments constructed like these!

  But now, while you're dressed up so neatly,
    Don't wipe off your hands on your frock!
  The smooching that lingers
  When you wipe off your fingers,
    Will give your dear mother a shock!
  The result will be even more shocking,
  If you wipe off your shoes on your stocking!



[Illustration]

[Illustration: Impossible!]


_IMPOSSIBLE!_


  There once was a Goop (_it is hard to believe
    Such unpleasant behavior of you!_)
  Who always was wiping his nose on his sleeve;
    _I hope that this Goop wasn't you!_
  He always was spitting (for fun, I suppose),
    _I couldn't believe, it of you!_
  And putting his fingers up into his nose;
    _I KNOW that this Goop wasn't you!_



[Illustration]





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