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Title: Eliza
Author: Pain, Barry, 1864-1928
Language: English
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*** Start of this LibraryBlog Digital Book "Eliza" ***
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ELIZA
_Says_ ROBERT BARR _in_ THE IDLER:--
"... and as for Barry Pain's 'Eliza' I question if anything more
d e l i c i o u s l y humourous, and of a humour so restrained, has
been written since the time of Lamb."
[Illustration: "_It was true I ran into the horse._"
(_See page_ 24.)]
ELIZA
By
BARRY PAIN
ILLUSTRATED BY
WALLACE GOLDSMITH
BOSTON
DANA ESTES & COMPANY
PUBLISHERS
_Copyright, 1904_
BY DANA ESTES & COMPANY
_COLONIAL PRESS_
_Electrotyped and Printed by C. H. Simonds & Co.
Boston, Mass., U.S.A._
CONTENTS
PAGE
ELIZA'S HUSBAND 3
THE CARDS 13
ELIZA'S MOTHER 23
MISS SAKERS 33
THE ORCHESTROME 41
THE TONIC PORT 49
THE GENTLEMAN OF TITLE 59
THE HAT 67
MY FORTUNE 73
SHAKESPEARE 81
THE UNSOLVED PROBLEM 89
THE DAY OFF 97
THE MUSHROOM 107
THE PLEASANT SURPRISE 115
THE MOPWORTHS 123
THE PEN-WIPER 135
THE 9.43 143
THE CONUNDRUMS 151
THE INK 159
THE PUBLIC SCANDAL 167
THE "CHRISTIAN MARTYR" 175
THE PAGRAMS 183
PROMOTION 191
ELIZA'S HUSBAND
"Suppose," I said to one of the junior clerks at our office the other
day, "you were asked to describe yourself in a few words, could you do
it?"
His answer that he could describe me in two was no answer at all. Also
the two words were not a description, and were so offensive that I did
not continue the conversation.
I believe there are but few people who could give you an accurate
description of themselves. Often in the train to and from the city, or
while walking in the street, I think over myself--what I have been,
what I am, what I might be if, financially speaking, it would run to
it. I imagine how I should act under different circumstances--on the
receipt of a large legacy, or if for some specially clever action I
were taken into partnership, or if a mad bull came down the street. I
may say that I make a regular study of myself. I have from time to time
recorded on paper some of the more important incidents of our married
life, affecting Eliza and myself, and I present them to you, gentle
reader, in this little volume. I think they show how with a very
limited income--and but for occasional assistance from Eliza's mother I
do not know how we should have got along--a man may to a great extent
preserve respectability, show taste and judgment, and manage his wife
and home.
The more I think about myself, the more--I say it in all modesty--the
subject seems to grow. I should call myself many-sided, and in many
respects unlike ordinary men. Take, for instance, the question of
taste. Some people would hardly think it worth while to mention a
little thing like taste; but I do. I am not rich, but what I have I
like to have ornamental, though not loud. Only the other day the
question of glass-cloths for the kitchen turned up, and though those
with the red border were threepence a dozen dearer than the plain, I
ordered them without hesitation. Eliza changed them next day, contrary
to my wishes, and we had a few words about it, but that is not the
point. The real point is that if your taste comes out in a matter of
glass-cloths for the kitchen, it will also come out in antimacassars
for the drawing-room and higher things.
Again, ordinary men--men that might possibly call themselves my
equals--are not careful enough about respectability. Everywhere around
me I see betting on horse-races, check trousers on Sunday, the wash
hung out in the front garden, whiskey and soda, front steps not
properly whitened, and the door-handle not up to the mark. I could
point to houses where late hours on Sunday are so much the rule that
the lady of the house comes down in her dressing-gown to take in the
milk--which, I am sure, Eliza would sooner die than do. There are
families--in my own neighbourhood, I am sorry to say--where the
chimneys are not swept regularly, beer is fetched in broad daylight,
and attendance at a place of worship on Sunday is rather the exception
than the rule. Then, again, language is an important point; to my mind
nothing marks a respectable man more than the use of genteel language.
There may have been occasions when excessive provocation has led me to
the use of regrettable expressions, but they have been few. As a rule I
avoid not only what is profane, but also anything that is slangy. I
fail to understand this habit which the present generation has formed
of picking up some meaningless phrase and using it in season and out of
season. For some weeks I have been greatly annoyed by the way some of
the clerks use the phrase "What, ho, she bumps!" If you ask them who
bumps, or how, or why, they have no answer but fits of silly laughter.
Probably, before these words appear in print that phrase will have been
forgotten and another equally ridiculous will have taken its place. It
is not sensible; what is worse, it is not to my mind respectable. Do
not imagine that I object to humour in conversation. That is a very
different thing. I have made humourous remarks myself before now,
mostly of rather a cynical and sarcastic kind.
I am fond of my home, and any little addition to its furniture or
decorations gives me sincere pleasure. Both in the home and in our
manner of life there are many improvements which I am prevented by
financial considerations from carrying out. If I were a rich man I
would have the drawing-room walls a perfect mass of pictures. If I had
money I could spend it judiciously and without absurdity. I should have
the address stamped in gold on the note-paper, and use boot-trees, and
never be without a cake in the house in case a friend dropped in to
tea. Nor should I think twice about putting on an extra clean pair of
cuffs in the week if wanted. We should keep two servants. I am
interested in the drama, if serious, and two or three times every month
I should take Eliza to the dress-circle. Our suburb has a train service
which is particularly convenient for the theatres. Eliza would wear a
dressy blouse,--she shares my objections to anything cut out at the
neck,--a mackintosh, and a sailor hat, the two latter to be removed
before entering. I should carry her evening shoes in a pretty
crewel-worked bag. We have often discussed it. Curiously enough, she
already has the bag, though we seldom have an opportunity to use it in
this way. Doubtless there are many other innovations which, with
appropriate means, I could suggest. But I have said enough to show that
they would all be in the direction of refinement and elegance, and the
money would not be spent in foolishness or vice.
As Eliza's husband, I should perhaps say a word or two about her. She
is a lady of high principles and great activity. Owing to my absence
every day in the exercise of my profession, she is called upon to
settle many questions,--as, for instance, the other day the question of
what contribution, if any, should be given to the local Fire
Brigade,--where a word of advice from me would have been useful. If not
actually independent, she is certainly not what would be described as a
clinging woman. Indeed, she does occasionally take upon herself to
enter on a line of action without consulting me, when my advice is
perfectly at her disposal, and would perhaps save her from blunders.
Last year she filled the coal-cellar (unusually large for the type of
house) right up at summer prices. Undoubtedly, she thought that she was
practising an economy. But she was dealing with a coal-merchant who
does not give credit--a man who requires cash down and sees that he
gets it. And--well, I need not go into details here, but it proved to
be excessively inconvenient for me. She has lost the silly playfulness
which was rather a mark of her character during the period of our
engagement, and if this is due to the sobering effects of association
with a steady and thoughtful character, I am not displeased. She
herself says it's the work, but the women do not always know. Possibly,
too, her temper is more easily ruffled now than then when I point out
things to her. I should say that she was less ambitious than myself. I
do not mention these little matters at all by way of finding fault. On
the contrary, I have a very high opinion of Eliza.
[Illustration: "_Filled the coal-cellar right up at summer prices._"]
We have no children living.
With these few prefatory words, gentle reader, I fling open the front
door--to use a metaphorical expression--and invite you to witness a few
scenes of our domestic life that I have from time to time recorded.
THE CARDS
About a year ago Eliza and myself had a little difference of opinion. I
mentioned to her that we had no visiting-cards.
"Of course not," she said. "The idea of such a thing!" She spoke rather
hastily.
"Why do you say 'of course not'?" I replied, quietly. "Visiting-cards
are, I believe, in common use among ladies and gentlemen."
She said she did not see what that had to do with it.
"It has just this much to do with it," I answered: "that I do not
intend to go without visiting-cards another day!"
"What's the use?" she asked. "We never call on anybody, and nobody ever
calls on us."
"Is Miss Sakers nobody?"
"Well, she's never left a card here, and she really is a lady by birth,
and can prove it. She just asks the girl to say she's been, and it's
nothing of importance, when she doesn't find me in. If she can do
without cards, we can. You'd much better go by her."
"Thank you, I have my own ideas of propriety, and I do not take them
from Miss Sakers. I shall order fifty of each sort from Amrod's this
morning."
"Then that makes a hundred cards wasted."
"Either you cannot count," I said, "or you have yet to learn that there
are three sorts of cards used by married people--the husband's cards,
the wife's cards, and the card with both names on it."
"Go it!" said Eliza. "Get a card for the cat as well. She knows a lot
more cats than we know people!"
I could have given a fairly sharp retort to that, but I preferred to
remain absolutely silent. I thought it might show Eliza that she was
becoming rather vulgar. Silence is often the best rebuke. However,
Eliza went on:
"Mother would hate it, I know that. To talk about cards, with the last
lot of coals not paid for--I call it wickedness."
I simply walked out of the house, went straight down to Amrod's, and
ordered those cards. When the time comes for me to put my foot down, I
can generally put it down as well as most people. No one could be
easier to live with than I am, and I am sure Eliza has found it so; but
what I say is, if a man is not master in his own house, then where is
he?
* * * * *
Amrod printed the cards while I waited. I had them done in the Old
English character. I suggested some little decoration to give them a
tone,--an ivy leaf in the corner, or a little flourish under the
name,--but Amrod was opposed to this. He seemed to think it was not
essential, and it would have been charged extra, and also he had
nothing of the kind in stock. So I let that pass. The cards looked very
well as they were, a little plain and formal, perhaps, but very clean
(except in the case of a few where the ink had rubbed), and very
gratifying to one's natural self-respect.
[Illustration: "_He seemed to think it was not essential._"]
That evening I took a small cardboard box that had contained candles,
and packed in it a few carefully selected flowers from the garden, and
one of our cards. On the card I wrote "With kindest love from" just
above the names, and posted it to Eliza's mother.
So far was Eliza's mother from being offended that she sent Eliza a
present of a postal-order for five shillings, three pounds of pressed
beef, and a nicely worked apron.
On glancing over that sentence, I see that it is, perhaps, a little
ambiguous. The postal order was for the shillings alone--not for the
beef or the apron.
I only mention the incident to show whether, in this case, Eliza or I
was right.
* * * * *
I put a few of my own cards in my letter-case, and the rest were packed
away in a drawer. A few weeks afterward I was annoyed to find Eliza
using some of her cards for winding silks. She said that it did not
prevent them from being used again, if they were ever wanted.
"Pardon me," I said, "but cards for social purposes should not be bent
or frayed at the edge, and can hardly be too clean. Oblige me by not
doing that again!"
That evening Eliza told me that No. 14 in the Crescent had been taken
by some people called Popworth.
"That must be young Popworth who used to be in our office," I said. "I
heard that he was going to be married this year. You must certainly
call and leave cards."
"Which sort, and how many?"
"Without referring to a book, I can hardly say precisely. These things
are very much a matter of taste. Leave enough--say one of each sort for
each person in the house. There should be no stint."
"How am I to know how many persons there are?"
"Ask the butcher with whom they deal."
On the following day I remarked that Popworth must have come in for
money, to be taking so large a house, and I hoped she had left the
cards.
"I asked the butcher, and he said there was Popworth, his wife, two
sisters, a German friend, and eleven children. That was sixteen
persons, and made forty-eight cards altogether. You see, I remembered
your rule."
"My dear Eliza," I said, "I told you as plainly as possible that it was
a matter of taste. You ought not to have left forty-eight at once."
"Oh, I couldn't keep running backwards and forwards leaving a few at a
time. I've got something else to do. There's three pair of your socks
in the basket waiting to be darned, as it is."
"And, good heavens! That Popworth can't be my Popworth. If he's only
married this year, he can't, in the nature of things, have got eleven
children. And a house like this can't call on a house like that without
a something to justify it."
"That's what I thought."
"Then what on earth did you call for?"
"I didn't. Who said I did?"
* * * * *
I gave a sigh of relief. Later in the evening, when Eliza took a card,
notched a bit out of each side, and began winding silk on it, I thought
it wiser to say nothing. It is better sometimes to pretend not to see
things.
ELIZA'S MOTHER
I generally send Eliza to spend a day with her mother early in
December, and try to cheer her up a little. I daresay the old lady is
very lonely, and appreciates the kindly thought. The return ticket is
four-and-two, and Eliza generally buys a few flowers to take with her.
That does not leave much change out of five shillings when the day is
over, but I don't grudge the money. Eliza's mother generally tries to
find out, without precisely asking, what we should like for a Christmas
present. Eliza does not actually tell her, or even hint it--she would
not care to do anything of that sort. But she manages, in a tactful
sort of way, to let her know.
For instance, the year before last Eliza's mother happened to say, "I
wonder if you know what I am going to give you this Christmas."
Eliza said, "I can see in your eye, mother, and you sha'n't do it. It's
much too expensive. If other people can do without silver salt-cellars,
I suppose we can."
Well, we got them; so that was all right. But last year it was more
difficult.
* * * * *
You see, early in last December I went over my accounts, and I could
see that I was short. For one thing, Eliza had had the measles. Then I
had bought a bicycle, and though I sold it again, it did not, in that
broken state, bring in enough to pay the compensation to the cabman. I
was much annoyed about that. It was true I ran into the horse, but it
was not my fault that it bolted and went into the lamp-post. As I said,
rather sharply, to the man when I paid him, if his horse had been
steady the thing would never have happened. He did not know what to
answer, and made some silly remark about my not being fit to ride a
mangle. Both then and at the time of the accident his language was
disrespectful and profane.
However, I need not go further into that. It is enough to say that we
had some unusual expenses, and were distinctly short.
"I don't blame you, Eliza," I said. "Anything you have had you are very
welcome to."
"I haven't had anything, except the measles," she said; "and I don't
see how you can blame me for that."
"But," I said, "I think it's high time you paid a visit to your mother,
and showed her that we have not forgotten her. Take some Swiss
roll--about sixpennyworth. Try to make things seem a little brighter to
her. If she says anything about Christmas, and you saw your way to
getting a cheque from her this year instead of her usual present, you
might do that. But show her that we are really fond of her--remember
she is your mother, and has few pleasures. A fiver just now would make
a good deal of difference to me, and even a couple of sovereigns would
be very handy."
* * * * *
When Eliza came back, I saw by her face that it was all right.
"I didn't have to say anything," she said. "Mother told me of her own
accord that she knew that you had money troubles, and that she was
going to take advantage of the Christmas season to relieve you from
them in a way which at another time you might be too proud to accept."
"That," I said, warmly, "is very thoughtful of her, and very delicate,
and it can only mean one thing. It settles me. This year, Eliza, we
will give your mother a present. Quite a trifle, of course--about two
shillings. It will be a token, and she will value it."
When I returned from the city I found that Eliza had purchased a small
white vase for one-and-ten. The man in the shop had told her that it
was alabaster. I had my doubts about that, but it was quite in my own
taste--rather severe and classical. I complimented Eliza on her choice.
Three days before Christmas I got a letter from Eliza's mother. She
said that she had been afraid that I was worrying about my debt to her
of £4 13_s._ 9_d._ She took advantage of the Christmas season to return
my I.O.U.'s, and begged me to consider the debt as paid.
It was not at all what I had expected.
* * * * *
"No," I said to Eliza at breakfast, "I am not in the least like a bear
with a sore head, and I will thank you not to use the expression. As
for your mother's kindness, I am glad you think it kindness. I wouldn't
have it otherwise. If you weren't a born idiot you wouldn't think so.
My debt to your mother would have been discharged by--discharged in due
course. By reminding me that I owed her money, she has practically
dunned me for it, and forced me to pay her at a most inconvenient time.
She comes badgering me for her dirty money at Christmas, and you call
it 'kindness!' Kindness! Hah! Oh, hah, hah!"
"Don't make those silly noises, and get on with your breakfast!" said
Eliza.
Afterward she asked me if I still meant to send her mother that little
vase.
"Oh, yes!" I said. "We can afford it; it's nothing to us."
Eliza, entirely misunderstanding the word that I next used, got up and
said that she would not stop in the room to hear her poor mother sworn
at.
"The word I used," I said, calmly, "was alabaster, and not what you
suppose."
"You pronounced it just like the other thing."
"I pronounced it in an exclamatory manner," I replied, "from contempt!
You seem to me very ready to think evil. This is not the first time!"
Eliza apologized. As a matter of fact, I really did say alabaster. But
I said it emphatically, and I own that it relieved my feelings.
We keep the silver salt-cellars in the drawer of Eliza's wardrobe as a
general rule. I should prefer to use them every day, or at any rate
every Sunday. But Eliza says that they make work.
"Mother has written to me," she said on the following day, "to say that
she will dine with us on Christmas Day. I had better get the silver
salt-cellars down."
"You'd better _put them up_," I said, meaningly. I know that sounds
rather bitter, but I confess that I have always had a weakness for the
wit that stings.
Well, it did not actually come to that. They allowed me to draw a
couple of pounds in advance at the office. I suppose they know that
when they have got a good man it is worth while to stretch a point to
keep him. Not that I was at all dictatorial--apparently I asked it as a
favour. But I fancy our manager saw that I was not a man to be played
with.
Eliza's mother dined with us, and brought a couple of ducks.
Conscience, I should say.
At the moment of writing my financial position is absolutely sound, and
even if Eliza's mother forced me to use her present to me to pay my
debt to her (£7 19_s._ 5_d._), though I might think it dishonourable on
her part, I should not be seriously inconvenienced. However, Eliza is
going early in December to suggest sauce-boats (plated). That is to
say, she may possibly mention them if any occasion arises.
MISS SAKERS
On Saturdays I always get back from the office early. This particular
Saturday afternoon I looked at our chimneys as I came down the street.
I thought it very queer, but, to make certain, as soon as I got into
the house I opened the drawing-room door. It was just as I thought. I
called up-stairs to Eliza, rather sharply.
She came down and said, "Well, what's the matter?"
I said, calmly, "The matter? Jane has apparently gone mad, that's all."
(Jane is the name of our servant.)
Eliza said that she did not think so, and asked me what the girl had
done.
I must say it made me feel rather sarcastic--it would have made any man
feel sarcastic. I said, "Oh, nothing. Merely lit the fire in the
drawing-room; and not only lit it, but piled coals on it. It is not
Sunday, so far as I am aware." It is our rule to have the drawing-room
fire lit on Sundays only. We are rather exclusive, and some other
people seem to be rather stuck-up, and between the two we do not have
many callers. If any one comes, it is always perfectly easy for Eliza
to say, "The housemaid has foolishly forgotten to light the fire here.
Shall we not step into the dining-room?" I hate to see anything like
waste.
"At this very moment," I added, "the drawing-room fire is flaming
half-way up the chimney. It seems we can afford to burn half a ton of
coals for nothing. I cannot say that I was aware of it."
"You _are_ satirical!" said Eliza. "I always know when you are being
satirical, because you move your eyebrows, and say, 'I am aware,'
instead of 'I know.' I told Jane to light the fire myself."
"May I ask why?"
"Miss Sakers is coming in. She sent me a note this morning to say so."
"That puts a different complexion on the affair. Very tactful of her to
have announced the intention. I do not grudge a handful of firing when
there is a reason. I only ask that there shall be a reason." Miss
Sakers is the vicar's daughter. Strictly speaking, I suppose her social
position is superior to our own. I know for a fact that she has been to
county balls. She seemed anxious to cultivate an intimacy with us, so I
gathered. I was not absurdly pleased about it. One has one's dignity.
Besides, at the office we frequently see people far above Miss Sakers.
A nobleman who had called to see one of the partners once remarked to
me, "Your office is a devilish long way from everywhere!" There was no
particular reason why he should have spoken to me, but he seemed to
wish it. After that, it was no very great thing that Miss Sakers seemed
anxious to know us better. At the same time, I do not pretend that I
was displeased. I went into the drawing-room and put some more coal on.
"Is it to be a party?" I asked.
"Not at all. She is coming quite as a friend."
I went up-stairs and changed all my clothes, and then purchased a few
flowers, which I placed in vases in the drawing-room. Eliza had got two
kinds of cake; I added a plate of mixed biscuits on my own
responsibility. Beyond this, I did nothing in the way of preparation,
wishing to keep the thing as simple and informal as possible.
* * * * *
The tea was quite a success. Miss Sakers was to have a stall at the
bazaar in aid of the new church. I promised her five shillings at
first, but afterward made it seven-and-six. Though no longer young,
Miss Sakers is very pleasant in her manner.
After tea Miss Sakers and Eliza both did needlework. Miss Sakers was
doing a thing in crewels. I could not see what Eliza was doing. She
kept it hidden, almost under the table.
To prevent the conversation from flagging, I said, "Eliza, dear, what
are you making?"
She frowned hard at me, shook her head slightly, and asked Miss Sakers
about the special preacher for Epiphany Sunday.
I at once guessed that Eliza was doing something for Miss Sakers' stall
at the bazaar, and had intended to keep it secret.
I smiled. "Miss Sakers," I said, "I do not know what Eliza is making,
but I am quite sure it is for you."
There was a dead silence. Miss Sakers and Eliza both blushed. Then Miss
Sakers said, without looking at me, "I think you are mistaken."
I felt so sure that I was mistaken that I blushed, too.
Eliza hurriedly hid her work in the work-basket, and said, "It is very
close in here. Let me show you round our little garden."
They both went out, without taking any notice of me. Not having had
much tea, I cut myself another slice of cake. While I was in the middle
of it, Miss Sakers and Eliza came back, and Miss Sakers said good-bye
to me very coldly. I offered to raise my bazaar donation to ten
shillings, but she did not seem to have heard me.
* * * * *
"How could you say that?" said Eliza, when Miss Sakers had gone. "It
was most tactless--and not very nice."
"I thought you were doing something for the bazaar. What were you
making, then?"
She did not actually tell me, but she implied it in a delicate way.
"Well," I said, "of course I wouldn't have called attention to it if I
had known, but I don't think you ought to have been doing that work
when Miss Sakers was here."
"I've no time to waste, and I always make mine myself. I was most
careful to keep them hidden. You are very tactless."
"I don't think much of that Miss Sakers," I said. "Why should we go to
this expense," pointing to the cakes, "for a woman of that kind?"
THE ORCHESTROME
The orchestrome was on Lady Sandlingbury's stall at the bazaar. Her
ladyship came up to Eliza in the friendliest way, and said, "My dear
lady, I am convinced that you need an orchestrome. It's the sweetest
instrument in the world, worth at least five pounds, and for one
shilling you have a chance of getting it. It is to be raffled." Eliza
objects, on principle, to anything like gambling; but as this was for
the Deserving Inebriates, which is a good cause, she paid her shilling.
She won the orchestrome, and I carried it home for her.
* * * * *
Six tunes were given with the orchestrome; each tune was on a slip of
perforated paper, and all you had to do was to put in a slip and touch
the spring.
We tried it first with "The Dandy Coloured Coon." It certainly played
something, but it was not right. There was no recognizable tune about
it.
"This won't do at all," I said.
"Perhaps that tune's got bent or something," said Eliza. "Put in
another."
I put in "The Lost Chord" and "The Old Folks at Home," and both were
complete failures--a mere jumble of notes, with no tune in them at all.
I confess that this exasperated me.
"You see what you've done?" I said. "You've fooled away a shilling.
Nothing is more idiotic than to buy a thing without trying it first."
"Why didn't you say that before, then?" said Eliza. "I don't believe
there's anything really wrong with it--just some little thing that's
got out of order, and can be put right again."
"Wrong! Why, it's wrong all through. Not one scrap of any of the tunes
comes out right. I shall take it back to Lady Sandlingbury at once."
"Oh, don't do that!"
But my mind was made up, and I went back to the bazaar, and up to Lady
Sandlingbury's stall. Eliza wouldn't come with me.
"I beg your ladyship's pardon," I said, "but your ladyship supplied me
with this orchestrome, and your ladyship will have to take it back
again."
"Dear me! what's all the trouble?"
I started the instrument, and let her hear for herself. She smiled, and
turned to another lady who was helping her. The other lady was young,
and very pretty, but with a scornful kind of amused expression, and a
drawling way of speaking--both of which I disliked extremely.
"Edith," said Lady Sandlingbury, "here's this angry gentleman going to
put us both in prison for selling him a bad orchestrome. He says it
won't work."
"Doesn't matter, does it?" said the other lady. "I mean to say, as long
as it will play, you know." At this rather stupid remark they both
laughed, without so much as looking at me.
"I don't want to make myself in any way unpleasant, your ladyship," I
said; "but this instrument was offered for raffle as being worth five
pounds, and it's not worth five shillings."
"Come, now," said Lady Sandlingbury, "I will give you five shillings
for it. There you are! Now you can be happy, and go and spend your
money." I thanked her. She took the orchestrome and started it, and it
played magnificently. Nothing could have been more perfect. "These
things do better," she said, "when you don't put the tunes in wrong end
first, so that the instrument plays them backwards."
"I think your ladyship might have told me that before," I said.
"Oh! you were so angry, and you didn't ask me. Edith, dear, do go and
be civil to some people, and make them take tickets for another
raffle."
"I call this sharp practice," I said, "if not worse, and----"
Here the other lady interrupted me.
"Could you, please, go away, unless you want to buy something? Thanks,
so much!"
[Illustration: "_Could you, please, go away?_"]
I went. I am rather sorry for it now. I think it would have been more
dignified to have stopped and defied them.
Eliza appeared to think that I had made myself ridiculous. I do not
agree with her. I do think, however, that when members of the
aristocracy practise a common swindle in support of a charity, they go
to show that rank is not everything. If Miss Sakers happens to ask us
whether we are going to the bazaar in support of the Deserving
Inebriates next year, I have instructed Eliza to reply: "Not if Lady
Sandlingbury and her friend have a stall." I positively refuse to meet
them, and I do not care twopence if they know it.
THE TONIC PORT
We do a large export trade (that is, the firm does), and there are
often samples lying about in the office. There was a bottle of Tarret's
Tonic Port, which had been there some time, and one of the partners
told the head clerk that he could have it if he liked. Later in the day
the head clerk said if a bottle of Tarret's Tonic Port was any use to
me I might take it home. He said he had just opened it and tasted it,
because he did not like to give anything away until he knew if it was
all right.
I thanked him. "Tastes," I said, "just like any ordinary port, I
suppose?"
"Well," he said, "it's more a tonic port than an ordinary port. But
that's only what you'd expect from the label."
"Quite so," I said--"quite so." I looked at the label, and saw that it
said that the port was peculiarly rich in phosphates. I put the bottle
in my bag that night and took it home.
* * * * *
"Eliza," I said, "I have brought you a little present. It is a bottle
of port." Eliza very rarely takes anything at all, but if she does it
is a glass of port. In this respect I admire her taste. Port, as I have
sometimes said to her, is the king of wines. We decided that we would
have a glass after supper. That is really the best time to take
anything of the kind; the wine soothes the nerves and prevents
insomnia.
Eliza picked the bottle up and looked at the label. "Why," she said,
"you told me it was port!"
"So it is."
"It says tonic port on the label."
"Well, tonic port practically _is_ port. That is to say, it is port
with the addition of--er--phosphates."
"What are phosphates?"
"Oh, there are so many of them, you know. There is quinine, of course,
and magnesium, and--and so on. Let me fill your glass."
She took one very little sip. "It isn't what I should call a pleasant
wine," she said. "It stings so."
"Ah!" I said, "that's the phosphates. It would be a little like that.
But that's not the way to judge a port. What you should do is to take a
large mouthful and roll it round the tongue,--then you get the aroma.
Look: this is the way."
I took a large mouthful.
When I had stopped coughing I said that I didn't know that there was
anything absolutely wrong with the wine, but you wanted to be ready for
it. It had come on me rather unexpectedly.
Eliza said that very likely that was it, and she asked me if I would
care to finish my glass now that I knew what it was like.
I said that it was not quite a fair test to try a port just after it
had been shaken about. I would let the bottle stand for a day or two.
Ultimately I took what was left in Eliza's glass and my own, and
emptied it into the garden. I did this because I did not want our
general servant to try it when she cleared away, and possibly acquire a
taste for drink.
Next morning I found that two of our best geraniums had died during the
night. I said that it was most inexplicable. Eliza said nothing.
* * * * *
A few nights afterward, Eliza asked me if I thought that the tonic port
had stood long enough.
"Yes," I said; "I will decant it for you, and then if Miss Sakers calls
you might say carelessly that you were just going to have a glass of
port, and would be glad if she would join you."
"No, thank you," she said; "I don't want to deceive Miss Sakers."
"You could mention that it was rich in phosphates. There need be no
deception about it."
"Well, then, I don't want to lose the few friends we've got."
"As you please, Eliza. It seems a pity to waste more than half a bottle
of good wine."
"Bottle of what?"
"You heard what I said."
"Well, drink it yourself, if you like it."
* * * * *
Some weeks afterward I found the bottle of Tarret's Tonic Port still
standing in the sideboard. I gave it to our servant, explaining to her
that it would be best mixed with water. There was still the risk of her
acquiring drinking habits, but I could think of no one else to give it
to. That night Eliza found the girl crying in the kitchen. When Eliza
asked what was the matter, she said that she would rather say nothing,
but that she was wishful to leave at the end of her month.
Of course Eliza blamed me, but I had told the girl as distinctly as I
could speak that it was a wine which required dilution. However, Eliza
persuaded her to stay on. The girl took the pledge on the following
day, and seemed changed in many ways. She put the bottle back in the
sideboard; there was still more than half of it left.
* * * * *
After that nothing happened with reference to the tonic port, until one
day I noticed that our cat (who had recently lost her kittens) seemed
in a poor state of health. I gave it a few spoonfuls of the tonic port
in a little milk. It drank it with avidity, somewhat to my surprise. I
had one or two little things to do in the garden after that, and when I
came back Eliza said that the cat had become so very strange in its
manner that she had thought it best to lock it in the coal-cellar.
I went to look at it, and found it lying on its back, dead. It had a
singularly happy expression on its face. Both Eliza and myself were
very sorry to lose it.
[Illustration: "_It had a singularly happy expression on its face._"]
I judged it best to say nothing about the port. But the bottle had gone
from the sideboard. Eliza said that she had removed it, to prevent
further accidents.
I told the head clerk about it, but he only laughed in the silliest
way. He is a most ill-bred man, in my opinion.
THE GENTLEMAN OF TITLE
One of our younger clerks, a man of the name of Perkins, is said to be
very well connected. He certainly spends more than his salary, and
rarely wears the same trousers on two consecutive days. But I am not a
snob, nor one who thinks much of these things, and I had never
cultivated young Perkins. Consequently it rather surprised me when he
introduced me to his friend, the Hon. Eugene Clerrimount. Then I
remembered what had been said about Perkins's connections.
* * * * *
The Hon. Eugene Clerrimount was a handsome young man, though apparently
troubled with pimples. His manner had in it what I should call dash.
There was not an ounce of affectation about him; but then high rank
does not need affectations--I have always noticed that. He appeared to
take rather a liking to me, and insisted that we must all three go out
and have a drink together. This is a thing which I really never do, but
on this occasion I allowed myself to be persuaded. Not liking to
mention beer, I said that I would take a glass of sherry wine. Nothing
could have been more friendly and pleasing than his behaviour toward
me; there was nothing at all stuck-up about him. It turned out that,
after all, the Hon. Eugene Clerrimount had forgotten his purse, and
Perkins happened to have no money on him; I therefore paid for the
drinks, and also lent the Hon. Eugene Clerrimount half a crown for his
cab; it was, indeed, quite a pleasure to do so. He thanked me warmly,
and said that he should like to know me better. Might he call at my
house on the following Saturday afternoon? As luck would have it, I
happened to have a card on me, and presented it to him, saying that it
would indeed be an honour. "Thanks," he replied, "and then I can repay
you this half-sovereign, or whatever it is." "Only four shillings," I
replied, "and pray do not mention it."
[Illustration: _The Gentleman of Title._]
* * * * *
Eliza was certainly less pleased than myself when she heard that the
Hon. Eugene Clerrimount was coming. She said that he might be all
right, or he might not, and we did not know anything about him. I
replied: "One does not know anything about anybody in that rank of
life. It is not necessary."
"Oh!" she said. "Isn't it? Well, I don't happen to be an earl myself."
And, really, on the Saturday morning I had the greatest difficulty to
get Eliza to take a little trouble with the drawing-room, though I
asked for nothing more than a thorough dusting, chrysanthemums, and the
blinds up. For the tea I offered to make myself entirely responsible.
There was some doubt as to whether the girl should announce him as the
Hon. Mr. Clerrimount, or the Hon. Eugene Clerrimount, or Mr. Hon.
Clerrimount. "She'd better do all three, one after the other," said
Eliza, snappishly. I obviated the difficulty by telling the girl, as
she opened the drawing-room door, merely to say, "A gentleman to see
you." I am rather one for thinking of these little ways out of
difficulties.
Eliza wanted to know what time he was coming. I replied that he could
not come before three or after six, because that would be against
etiquette.
"Suppose he came at five minutes to three by accident," said Eliza.
"Would he sit on our doorsteps until the clock struck, and then ring
the bell?" I was really beginning to lose patience with Eliza.
However, by three o'clock I had Eliza in the drawing-room, with a
magazine and paper-knife by her side, as if she had been reading. She
was really darning socks, but they could easily be concealed in an
empty art flower-pot when the front bell rang.
* * * * *
We sat in the drawing-room until six, but, strangely enough, the Hon.
Eugene Clerrimount never came. The trifle that I had spent on the
Madeira cake and macaroons was nothing, but it did wound my feelings
that he had not even thought it worth while to explain his inability to
keep his appointment.
And on the Monday I said to Perkins, rather sharply: "There was that
matter of four shillings with your friend. I've not received the money,
and I should thank you to see about it."
"What?" said Perkins. "You ask my friend and me to come and drink with
you, and then want me to dun him for the money to pay for it. Well, I
_am_ blowed!"
Oh, the whole thing was most unsatisfactory and incomprehensible!
THE HAT
I had long believed that all was not right with my hat. I could prove
nothing, but I had no doubt in my own mind that the girl took liberties
with it. It is very easy to brush a silk hat the wrong way, for
instance, but silk hats do not brush themselves the wrong way; if it is
done, some one must have done it. Morning after morning I found marks
on my hat which I could not account for. Well, I said nothing, but I
made up my mind to keep my eyes open. It was not only the injury to the
hat--it was the impertinence to myself that affected me.
One Saturday afternoon, while I was at home, a costermonger came to the
door with walnuts. The girl answered the bell, and presently I saw the
coster and his cart go past the dining-room window. I don't know why it
was, or how it was, but a suspicion came over me. I stepped sharply to
the door, and looked out into the passage. There was no one there. The
front door was open, and the kitchen door was open, and in a position
between the two, against the umbrella-stand, was--something worse than
ever I had expected.
I picked that hat up just as it was, with the walnuts inside it, and
placed it on the dining-room table. Then I called to Eliza to come
down-stairs.
"What is it?" she asked, as she entered the dining-room.
I pointed to the hat. "This kind of thing," I said, "has been going on
for years!"
"Oh, do talk sense!" she said. "What do you mean?"
"Sense!" I said. "You ask me to talk sense, when I find my own hat
standing on the floor in the hall, and used as a--a receptacle for
walnuts!"
She smiled. "I can explain all that," she said.
"I've no doubt you can. I'm sick to death of explanations. I give ten
or eleven shillings for a hat, and find it ruined. I know those
explanations. You told the girl to buy the walnuts, and she had got
nothing else to put them in, and the hat was handy; but if you think I
take that as an excuse, you make a mistake."
"I wasn't going to say that at all."
"Or else you'll tell me that you can paste in a piece of white paper,
so that the stains on the lining won't show. Explanations, indeed!"
"And I wasn't going to say that, either."
"I don't care what you were going to say. I won't hear it. There's no
explanation possible. For once I mean to take a strong line. You see
that hat? I shall never wear it again!"
"I know that."
"No one shall wear it! I don't care for the expense! If you choose to
let that servant-girl ruin my hat, then that hat shall be ruined, and
no mistake about it!"
I picked the hat up, and gave it one sound, savage kick. My foot went
through it, and the walnuts flew all over the room. At the same moment
I heard from the drawing-room a faint tink-tink-tink on the piano.
[Illustration: "_I picked the hat up, and gave it one sound, savage
kick._"]
"Yes," said Eliza. "That's the piano-tuner. He came at the same time as
the walnut-man, and bought those walnuts. And he put them in his hat.
_His_ hat, mind you, not _your_ hat. Your hat's hanging up in the
usual place. You might have seen it if you'd looked. Only you're----"
"Eliza," I said, "you need say no more. If that is so, the servant-girl
is much less to blame than I had supposed. I have to go out now, but
perhaps you'd drop into the drawing-room and explain to the tuner that
there's been some slight misunderstanding with his hat. And, I say, a
glass of beer and two shillings is as much as you need offer."
MY FORTUNE
The girl had just removed the supper things. We have supper rather
early, because I like a long evening. "Now, Eliza," I said, "you take
your work,--your sewing, or whatever it may be,--and I will take my
work. Yes, I've brought it with me, and it's to be paid as overtime. I
daresay it mayn't seem much to you,--a lot of trouble, and only a few
shillings to show for it, when all's said and done,--but that is the
way fortunes are made, by sticking at it, by plugging into it, if I may
use the term."
"The table's clear, if you want to start," said Eliza.
"Very well," I replied, and fetched my black bag from the passage to
get the accounts on which I was working. I always hang the bag on the
peg in the passage, just under my hat. Then it is there in the morning
when and where it is wanted. Method in little things has always been
rather a motto of mine.
"It has sometimes struck me, Eliza," I said, as I came back into the
dining-room, with the bag in my hand, "that you do not read so much as
I should like to see you read."
"Well, you asked me to take my work, and these socks are for you, and I
never know what you do want."
"I did not mean that I wanted you to read at this moment. But there is
one book--I cannot say exactly what the title is, and the name of the
author has slipped my memory, which I should like to see in your hands
occasionally, because it deals with the making of fortunes. It
practically shows you how to do it."
"Did the man who wrote it make one?" asked Eliza.
"That--not knowing the name of the man--I cannot say for certain."
"Well, I should want to know that first. And aren't you going to
start?"
"I can hardly start until I have unlocked my bag, and I cannot unlock
my bag until I have the keys, and I cannot have the keys until I have
fetched them from the bedroom. Try to be a little more reasonable."
I could not find the keys in the bedroom. Then Eliza went up, and she
could not find them, either. By a sort of oversight they were in my
pocket all the time. I laughingly remarked that I knew I should find
them first. Eliza seemed rather pettish, the joke being against
herself.
"The reason why I mentioned that book," I said, as I unlocked the bag,
"is because it points out that there are two ways of making a fortune.
One is, if I may say so, my own way,--by method in little things,
economy of time, doing all the work that one can get to do, and----"
"You won't get much done to-night, if you don't start soon," said
Eliza.
"I do not like to be interrupted in the middle of a sentence. The other
way by which you may make a fortune--well, it's not making a fortune.
It's that the fortune makes you, if you understand me."
"I don't," said Eliza.
"I mean that the fortune may come of itself by luck. Luck is a very
curious thing. We cannot understand it. It's of no use to talk about
it, because it is quite impossible to understand it."
"Then don't let's talk about it, especially when you've got something
else to do."
"Temper, temper, Eliza! You must guard against that. I was not going to
talk about luck. I was going to give you an instance of luck, which
happened to come within my own personal experience. It is the case of a
man of the name of Chumpleigh, in our office, and would probably
interest and amuse you. I do not know if I have ever mentioned
Chumpleigh to you."
"Yes, you've told me all about him several times."
I might have mentioned Chumpleigh to Eliza, but I am sure that I have
never told her all about him. However, I was not going to sulk, and so
I told her the story again. The story would not have been so long if
she hadn't interrupted me so frequently.
When I had finished, she said that it was time to go to bed, and I had
wasted the evening.
I owned that possibly I had been chatting rather longer than I had
intended, but I would still get those accounts done, and sit up to do
them.
"And that means extra gas," she said. "That's the way money gets
wasted."
"There are many men in my place," I said, "who would refuse to sit down
to work as late as this. I don't. Why? On principle. Because it's
through the cultivation of the sort of thing that I cultivate one
arrives at fortune. Think what fortune would mean to us. Big house,
large garden, servants, carriages. I should come in from a day with the
hounds, and perhaps say I felt rather done up, and would like a glass
of champagne. No question of expense--not a word about it--money no
object. You'd just get the bottle out of the sideboard, and I should
have my glass, and they'd finish it in the kitchen, and----"
"_Are_ you going to begin, or are you not?" asked Eliza.
"This minute," I replied, opening the black bag. I examined the
contents carefully.
"Well," I said, "this is a very strange occurrence indeed--most
unaccountable! I don't remember ever to have done anything of the kind
before, but I seem to have forgotten to bring that work from the city.
Dear me! I shall be forgetting my head next."
Eliza's reply that this would be no great loss did not seem to me to be
either funny, or polite, or even true. "You strangely forget yourself,"
I replied, and turned the gas out sharply.
SHAKESPEARE
I led up to it, saying to Eliza, not at all in a complaining way, "Does
it not seem to you a pity to let these long winter evenings run to
waste?"
"Yes, dear," she replied; "I think you ought to do something."
"And you, too. Is it not so, darling?"
"There's generally some sewing, or the accounts."
"Yes; but these things do not exercise the mind."
"Accounts do."
"Not in the way I mean." I had now reached my point. "How would it be
if I were to read aloud to you? I don't think you have ever heard me
read aloud. You are fond of the theatre, and we cannot often afford to
go. This would make up for it. There are many men who would tell you
that they would sooner have a play read aloud to them than see it acted
in the finest theatre in the world."
"Would they? Well--perhaps--if I were only sewing it wouldn't interrupt
me much."
I said, "That is not very graciously put, Eliza. There is a certain art
in reading aloud. Some have it, and some have not. I do not know if I
have ever told you, but when I was a boy of twelve I won a prize for
recitation, though several older boys were competing against me."
She said that I had told her before several times.
I continued: "And I suppose that I have developed since then. A man in
our office once told me that he thought I should have done well on the
stage. I don't know whether I ever mentioned it."
She said that I had mentioned it once or twice.
"I should have thought that you would have been glad of a little
pleasure--innocent, profitable, and entertaining. However, if you think
I am not capable of----"
"What do you want to read?"
"What would you like me to read?"
"Miss Sakers lent me this." She handed me a paper-covered volume,
entitled, "The Murglow Mystery; or, The Stain on the Staircase."
"Trash like this is not literature," I said. However, to please her, I
glanced at the first page. Half an hour later I said that I should be
very sorry to read a book of that stamp out loud.
"Then why do you go on reading it to yourself?"
"Strictly speaking, I am not reading it. I am glancing at it."
When Eliza got up to go to bed, an hour afterward, she asked me if I
was still glancing. I kept my temper.
"Try not to be so infernally unreasonable," I said. "If Miss Sakers
lends us a book, it is discourteous not to look at it."
On the following night Eliza said that she hoped I was not going to sit
up until three in the morning, wasting the gas and ruining my health,
over a book that I myself had said--
"And who pays for the gas?"
"Nobody's paid last quarter's yet. Mother can't do everything, and----"
"Well, we can talk about that some other time. To-night I am going to
read aloud to you a play of Shakespeare's. I wonder if you even know
who Shakespeare was?"
"Of course I do."
"Could you honestly say that you have ever read one--only one--of his
tragedies?"
"No. Could you?"
"I am going to read 'Macbeth' to you, trying to indicate by changes in
my voice which character is speaking." I opened the book.
Eliza said that she couldn't think who it was took her scissors.
"I can't begin till you keep quiet," I said.
"It's the second pair that's gone this week."
"Very well, then," I said, shutting up the book with a bang, "I will
not read aloud to you to-night at all. You may get along as you can
without it."
"You're sure you didn't take those scissors for anything?" she replied,
meditatively.
* * * * *
"Now then," I said, on the next night, "I am ready to begin. The
tragedy is entitled 'Macbeth.' This is the first scene."
"What is the first scene?"
"A blasted heath."
"Well, I think you might give a civil answer to a civil question. There
was no occasion to use that word."
"I didn't."
"You did. I heard it distinctly."
"Do let me explain. It's Shakespeare uses the word. I was only quoting
it. It merely means----"
"Oh, if it's Shakespeare I suppose it's all right. Nobody seems to mind
what _he_ says. You can go on."
I read for some time. Eliza, in reply to my question, owned that she
had enjoyed it, but she went to bed before her usual time.
* * * * *
When I was preparing to read aloud on the following evening, I was
unable to find our copy of Shakespeare. This was very annoying, as it
had been a wedding-present. Eliza said that she had found her scissors,
and very likely I should find the Shakespeare some other night.
But I never did. I have half thought of buying another copy, or I dare
say Eliza's mother would like to give us it. Eliza thinks not.
THE UNSOLVED PROBLEM
"Eliza," I said one evening, "do you think that you are fonder of me
than I am of you, or that I am fonder of you than you are of me?"
She answered, "What is thirteen from twenty-eight?" without looking up
from the account-book.
"I do think," I said, "that when I speak to you you might have the
civility to pay some little attention."
She replied, "One pound fifteen and two, and I hope you know where we
are to get it from, for I don't. And don't bang on the table in that
silly way, or you'll spill the ink."
"I did not bang. I tapped slightly from a pardonable impatience. I put
a plain question to you some time ago, and I should like a plain answer
to it."
"Well, what do you want to talk for when you see I am counting? Now,
what is it?"
"What I asked was this. Do I think--I mean, do you think--that I am
fonder of me--no, you are fonder of I--well, I'll begin again. Which of
us two would you say was fonder of the other than the other was of
the--dash it all, you know what I mean!"
"No, I don't, but it's nothing to swear about."
"I was not swearing. If you don't know what I mean, I'll try to put it
more simply. Are you fonder than I am? There."
"Fonder of what?"
"Fonder of each other."
"You mean is each of us fonder of the other than the other is of--of
the each?"
"I mean nothing of the kind. Until you muddled it the thing was
perfectly clear. Well, we two are two, are we not?"
"Of course I know that, but----"
"Wait a minute. I intend that you shall understand me this time. Which
of those two would you say was fonder of the other than the other was
of the other, or would you say that each was as fond of the other as
the other one was? Now you see it."
"Almost. Say it again."
"Would you say that in your opinion neither of us were fonder of the
other than both were of each, or that one was fonder of the other than
the other was of the first, and if so, which?"
"Now you've made it worse than ever. I don't believe you know what you
mean yourself. Do come to supper and talk sense."
* * * * *
I smiled cynically as I sat down to supper. "This doesn't surprise me
in the least," I remarked. "I never yet knew a woman who could argue,
or even understand the first step in an argument, and I don't suppose I
ever shall."
"Well," said Eliza, "you can't argue until you know what you are
talking about, and I don't know what you're talking about, and you
don't seem to know yourself, or, if you do, you're too muddled to tell
anybody. If you want to argue, argue about one pound fifteen and two.
It's Griffiths, and been sent in three times already."
"Don't shirk it, Eliza. Don't try to get away from it. I asked you
which of us you thought was the fonder of the other, and you couldn't
understand it."
"Why, of course, I understand _that_. Why didn't you say so before?"
"As far as I remember, those were my precise words."
"But they weren't! What you said was, 'If neither of us was fonder of
both than each is of either, which of the two would it be?' or
something of the kind."
"Now, how could I talk such absolute nonsense?"
"Ah!" she said; "when men lose their temper they never know what
they're saying!"
I had a very good answer to that, but just at the moment the girl
brought in the last post. There was a letter from Eliza's mother. There
was also an enclosure in postal orders quite beyond anything I had
expected, and she expressed a hope that they might enable us "to defray
some of the expenses incidental to the season." As far as my own
personal feeling is concerned, I should have returned them at once. In
some ways I daresay that I am a proud man. I have been told so. But the
poor old lady takes such pleasure in giving, and she has so little
other enjoyment, that I should have been reluctant to check her. In
fact, taking the money as evidence of her affection, I was pleased. So
was Eliza.
"Pay Griffiths's twopenny-halfpenny account to-morrow," I said, "and
tell him that he has lost our patronage for ever."
* * * * *
We did not recur to the original question. Personally, I should say
that in the case of two people it might very well happen that, though
at one time the affection of one for the other might be greater than
the affection which the other had for the one which I originally
mentioned at the same time, yet at some other time the affection which
the other one had for the other might be just as much greater than the
affection which the first one had for the second, as the difference was
in the first instance between the two. At least, that is the general
drift of what I mean. Eliza would never see it, of course.
THE DAY OFF
On the occasion of the marriage of our junior partner to Ethel Mary,
only surviving daughter of William Hubblestead, Esq., J.P., of
Banlingbury, by the Canon of Blockminster, assisted by the Rev. Eugene
Hubblestead, cousin of the bride--on this occasion the office was
closed for the whole of one day, and the staff had a holiday without
deduction of salary.
The staff had presented six silver (hallmarked) nutcrackers, and a
handsomely bound volume of Cowper's Poetical Works. The latter was my
own suggestion; there was a sum of eight shillings over after the
purchase of the nutcrackers, and I have always had a partiality for
Cowper. The junior partner thanked us personally, and in very warm
terms; at the same time he announced that the following Thursday was to
be treated as a holiday.
* * * * *
The weather was glorious, and I have never had a more enjoyable day.
The girl laid breakfast overnight, and we rose at half-past five. By
half-past six Eliza had cut some mutton sandwiches and placed them in a
basket with a bottle of milk--the milkman having obliged with a
specially early call by appointment. A brief journey by train, and by a
quarter-past seven we were at Danstow for our day off in the country.
Danstow is a picturesque little village, and looked beautiful in the
hot sunlight. I was wearing a fairly new summer suit, with brown boots.
As I remarked to Eliza, it would probably have created a feeling of
surprise among the villagers if they had learned that, as a rule, my
professional duties took me to the city in the morning.
Eliza said: "All right. What do we do here?"
"Why," I said, "there's the old church. We mustn't miss that."
We went and examined the old church. Then we went twice up and down the
village street, and examined that.
"Well," said Eliza, "what next?"
"Now," I replied, "we just stroll about and amuse ourselves. I feel
particularly light-hearted."
"That's breakfasting at six, that is," said Eliza. "If you could find a
quiet place, we might have a sandwich."
We went a little way along the road, and I espied a field which seemed
to me to look likely. I said to a passer-by: "I am a stranger here. Can
you tell me whether there would be any objection to our sitting in that
field?" He said, in rather an offensive and sarcastic way, that he
believed the field was open for sitting in about that hour. I did not
give him any reply, but just opened the gate for Eliza.
We sat down under the hedge, and finished our sandwiches and milk. The
church clock struck nine.
"What train do we go back by?" asked Eliza.
"Not until half-past nine to-night. There's a day for you!"
"Twelve hours and a half," said Eliza. "And we've done the sandwiches,
and done the milk, and done the church, and there's nothing else to
do."
"Except amuse ourselves," I added, as I took off my boots, which had
pained me slightly. I then dozed off.
* * * * *
Eliza woke me to say that she had read all the newspaper the sandwiches
were wrapped in, and picked some wild flowers, and the flowers had
died, and she wanted to know what the time was. It was just past
eleven.
She said: "Oh, lor!"
I soon dropped off again.
When I woke, at half-past twelve, Eliza was not there. She returned in
a few minutes, and said that she had been doing the church over again.
"That was hardly necessary," I observed.
"Oh, one must do something, and there's nothing else to do."
"On the contrary, there's luncheon. We'll have that at once, so as to
give us a good long afternoon."
"The afternoon will be long enough," she said. If I had not known that
she was having a day's enjoyment, I should have thought that she seemed
rather dejected in her manner.
* * * * *
The luncheon at the village inn was not expensive. Eliza said that
their idea of chops was not her idea; but all the same she seemed
inclined to spin the thing out and make it last as long as possible. I
deprecated this, as I felt that I could not very well take my boots off
again until I had returned to the field.
"Very well, then," she said. "Only let's go back slowly."
"As slowly as you like," I replied. "It's the right boot principally;
but I prefer to walk slowly."
When we had resumed our old position under the hedge, and I had removed
my boots, I said:
"Now, then, I think I've earned a pipe and a short nap. You amuse
yourself in any way you like."
"Do _what_ with myself?" she asked, rather sharply.
She walked twice round the field, and then I fell off to sleep. It
turned out afterward that she also did the picturesque old church for
the third time, and went over a house which was to let, refusing to
take it on the ground that there was no bath-room. This was rather
dishonest, as she would not have taken it if there had been a
bath-room, or even two bath-rooms. I would not do that kind of thing
myself. I awoke about tea-time. The charge for tea at the inn was very
moderate, though Eliza said that there was tea which was tea, and tea
which was an insult.
Eliza found that there was a train back at half-past six, and said she
was going by it, whether I did or not, because it was a pity to have
too much of a good thing, and she hadn't the face to ask for the keys
of that church again. I accompanied her. I fancy that the brown leather
is liable to shrink in the sun, and I was not unwilling to get back to
my slippers and stretch myself out on the sofa.
There is nothing like a long day in the country; quite apart from the
enjoyment, you feel that it is doing you so much good. I am sorry that
Eliza did not seem to enter into the spirit of the thing more.
THE MUSHROOM
We were at breakfast one morning in the summer when the girl entered
rather excitedly and said that to the best of her belief there was a
mushroom coming in the little lawn in front of the house. It seemed a
most extraordinary thing, and Eliza and I both went out to look at it.
There was certainly something white coming through the turf; the only
question was, whether or not it was a mushroom. The girl seemed certain
about it. "Why," she said, "in my last place mushrooms was frequent.
You see, being wealthy, they had anything they fancied. If I didn't
know about mushrooms, I ought to!" There is a familiarity in that
girl's manner which to my mind is highly objectionable. The
establishment where she was formerly employed was apparently on a scale
that we do not attempt. That does not justify her, however, in
continually drawing comparisons. I shall certainly have something to
say to her about it.
* * * * *
However, it was not about Jane that I intended to speak, but about the
mushroom.
Eliza said that I ought to put a flowerpot over the mushroom, because,
being visible from the road, some one might be tempted to come in and
steal it. But I was too deep for that. "No," I replied, "if you put an
inverted plant-pot there everybody will guess that you are hiding a
mushroom underneath it. Just put a scrap of newspaper over it."
"But that might get blown away!"
"Fasten down one corner of it with a hairpin."
Eliza said that I was certainly one to think of things. I believe there
is truth in that. On my way to the station I happened to meet Mr.
Bungwall's gardener (a most obliging and respectful man), and had a
word with him about the mushroom. He said that he would come round in
the evening and have a look at it.
* * * * *
I was pleased to find (on my return) that the mushroom was still in the
garden under the newspaper, and had increased slightly in size.
"This," I said to Eliza, "is very satisfactory."
"It would make a nice little present to send to mother," Eliza
observed.
There I could not entirely agree with her. I pointed out that in a
week's time I should probably be applying to her mother for a small
temporary loan. I did not think it an honourable thing to attempt to
influence her mind beforehand by sending a present. I wished her to
approach the question of the loan purely in a business spirit. I added
that I thought we would leave the mushroom to grow for one more day,
and then have it for breakfast. That ultimately was decided upon.
Then Mr. Bungwall's gardener arrived, and said that he was sorry to
disappoint us in any way, and it was not his fault, but the mushroom
was a toadstool.
"This," I said to Eliza, "is something of a blow."
"Perhaps," she said, "Mr. Bungwall's gardener is mistaken."
"I fear not. But, however, I happened to mention about that mushroom to
our head clerk this morning, and he said that he thoroughly understood
mushrooms, and had made a small profit by growing them. To-morrow
morning I will pick that toadstool or mushroom, as the case may be,
take it up to the city, and ask him about it."
Eliza agreed that this would be the best way.
* * * * *
But at breakfast next morning she seemed thoughtful and somewhat
depressed. I asked her what she was thinking about.
"It's like this," she said. "If your head clerk says that our toadstool
is a mushroom, while Mr. Bungwall's gardener says that our mushroom is
a toadstool, we sha'n't like to eat it because of Mr. Bungwall's
gardener, and we sha'n't like to throw it away because of your head
clerk, and I don't see what to do with it."
"You forget, my dear. We have a third opinion. Jane says the mushroom
is a mushroom."
"Jane will say anything."
"Well, we might put her to the test. We might ask her if she'd like to
eat the mushroom herself, and then if she says yes and seems pleased,
why, of course we'd eat it. I'll go and pick it now."
And when I went to do so I found that the mushroom had gone.
* * * * *
Eliza says that Mr. Bungwall's gardener told us it was a toadstool to
keep us from picking it, and then stole it himself, because he knew
that it was a mushroom.
That may be. I should be sorry to believe it, because I have always
found Mr. Bungwall's gardener such a very respectful man. To my mind
there is an air of mystery over the whole affair.
THE PLEASANT SURPRISE
I had got the money by work done at home, out of office hours. It came
to four pounds altogether. At first I thought I would use it to
discharge a part of our debt to Eliza's mother. But it was very
possible that she would send it back again, in which case the pence
spent on the postal orders would be wasted, and I am not a man that
wastes pennies. Also, it was not absolutely certain that she would send
it back. I sent her a long letter instead--my long letters are almost
her only intellectual pleasure. As for the four pounds, I reserved two
for myself, for any incidental expenses, and decided to give two to
Eliza. I did not mean simply to hand them to her, but to get up
something in the way of a pleasant surprise.
I had tried something of the kind before. Eliza once asked me for six
shillings for a new tea-tray that she had seen. I went and stood behind
her chair, and said, "No, dear, I couldn't think of it," at the same
time dropping the six shillings down the back of her neck. Eliza said
it was a pity I couldn't give her six shillings for a tea-tray without
compelling her to go up-stairs and undress at nine o'clock in the
morning. It was not a success.
However, I had more than one idea in my head. This time I thought I
would first find out if there was anything she wanted.
So on Sunday at tea-time I said, not as if I were meaning anything in
particular, "Is there anything you want, Eliza?"
"Yes," she said; "I want a general who'll go to bed at half-past nine
and get up at half-past five. If they'd only do that, that's all I
ask."
"You will pardon me, Eliza," I said, "but you are not speaking
correctly. You said that was all that you asked. What you meant----"
"Do you know what I meant?"
"I flatter myself that I know precisely----"
"Then if you know precisely what I meant, I must have spoken
accurately."
But as we went to church I discovered that she wanted a new jacket. Her
own was trimmed rabbit, and had been good, but the fur had gone bald in
places.
* * * * *
Next morning I wrote on a sheet of note-paper, "To buy a new jacket.
With your husband's love." I folded the two sovereigns up in this, and
dropped the packet into the pocket of Eliza's old jacket, as it hung in
the wardrobe, not telling her what I had done. My idea was that she
would put on the jacket to go out shopping in the morning, and putting
her hand in the pocket, get a pleasant surprise. As I was leaving for
town, she asked me why I kept on smiling so mysteriously. I replied,
"Perhaps you, too, will smile before the day is over."
On my return I found Eliza at the front door. "Come and look," she
said, cheerfully. "I have got a pleasant surprise for you." She flung
open the drawing-room door, and pointed. In the middle of the table
stood a _spiraea_, a most handsome and graceful plant. It stood in one
of the best saucers, with some coloured paper round the pot, and the
general effect was very good. I at once guessed that she had bought it
for me with the change from my present to her, and thought it showed
very good feeling in her.
"I hope you have not given too much for this," I said.
"I didn't give any money for it."
"I don't understand."
"Well, you must know I had a present this morning."
"Of course I know."
"Did mother tell you? Yes, she has sent me a beautiful new jacket. Then
a man came round with a barrow of plants, and he said he didn't want
money if I had any clothes to spare. So I gave him my old worn-out
jacket for this _spiraea_, and----"
I remembered that I had seen the man with the barrow farther down the
street.
"Excuse me for one moment, Eliza," I said, and dashed out after him.
* * * * *
He was a big, red-faced man, and he made no difficulty about it at all.
"Yes," he said, "I bought that jacket, gov'ner, and I don't deny it.
There it is at the bottom of my bundle, and I ain't even looked at it
since. Nor I ain't goin' to look now. You say there was two suvreigns
in the pocket. A gent like you don't want to swindle a common man like
me. If you say the two suvreigns was there, then they're there now, and
I can return yer two pound out o' my own, in a suttunty of gettin' 'em
back out o' the jacket pocket. Bless yer! I knows an honest man when I
sees one."
With these words he drew the money from his own waistcoat pocket, and
handed it to me. I took it with some reluctance.
"Hadn't you better make quite certain----"
"Not a bit," says he. "If them suvreigns were there when the jacket
were 'anded to me, they is there now. I could see as you was a man to
be trusted, otherwise I'd 'ave undone the bundle and searched long
afore this."
* * * * *
"What have you been doing?" said Eliza, on my return.
"Never mind. Your mother has given you a new jacket. Let me have the
pleasure of giving you a new hat." I pressed the two coins into her
palm.
She looked at them, and said, "You can't get a hat for a halfpenny, you
know, dear. What did you rush out for just now? And why did you have
these two farthings gilded? You'll be mistaking them for sovereigns, if
you're not careful. Were you trying to take me in?"
I did not quite see what to say for the moment, and so I took her
suggestion. I explained that it was a joke.
"You don't look much as if you were joking."
"But I was. I suppose I ought to know if any man does. However, Eliza,
if you want a new hat, anything up to half a sovereign, you've only to
say it."
She said it, thanked me, and asked me to come and help her water the
_spiraea_.
"It's such a shapely _spiraea_," she said.
"Yes," I answered sadly, "it's a regular plant." And so it was, though
I had not been intending what the French call a _double entendre_ at
the time.
THE MOPWORTHS
I must say that both Eliza and myself felt a good deal of contempt for
the Mopworths. We had known them for three years, and that gave us a
claim; Peter Mopworth was a connection of Eliza's by marriage, and that
also gave us a claim; further, our social position gave us a claim.
Nevertheless, the Mopworths were to have their annual party on the
following Wednesday, and they had not invited us.
"Upon my soul," I exclaimed, "I never in my life heard of anything so
absolutely paltry."
"I can't think why it is," said Eliza.
"Oh, we're not good enough for them. We all know who his father was,
and we all know what he is--a petty provincial shopkeeper! A gentleman
holding important employment in one of the principal mercantile firms
in the city isn't good enough for him. If I'm permitted to clean his
boots I'm sure I ought to be thankful. Oh, yes! Of course! No doubt!"
"You do get so sarcastic," observed Eliza.
"That's nothing--nothing to what I should be if I let myself go. But I
don't choose to let myself go. I don't think he's worth it, and I don't
think she's worth it either. It's a pity, perhaps, that they don't know
that they're making themselves ridiculous, but it can't be helped.
Personally, I sha'n't give the thing another thought."
"That's the best thing to do," said Eliza.
"Of course it is. Why trouble one's head about people of that class?
And, I say, Eliza, if you meet that Mopworth woman in the street,
there's no occasion for you to recognize her."
"That would look as if we were terribly cut up because we hadn't been
asked to their party."
"Possibly. Whereas, I don't even consider it worth talking about."
We discussed the Mopworths and their party for another hour and a half,
and then went to bed.
* * * * *
"Lying awake last night," I said at breakfast next morning, "I couldn't
help thinking over the different things we have done for those
serpents."
"What serpents?"
"Those contemptible Mopworths. I wonder if they have any feelings of
shame? If they have, they must blush when they think of the way they
have treated us."
"I can't think why they've left us out. Perhaps it's a mistake."
"Not a bit of it. I've been expecting this for some time. Of course he
has made money. I don't say--I would rather _not_ say--how he has made
it. But it seems to have turned his head. However, after this I shall
probably never mention him again."
Eliza began to talk about the weather. I told her that Mopworth had
done things which, personally, I should have been very sorry to do, and
that I should be reluctant to adopt his loud style of dress.
"But, of course," I added, "no gentleman ever does dress like that."
Eliza said that if I intended to catch my train I had better start.
I started.
* * * * *
On my return I said to Eliza that, though the whole subject was
distasteful to me, there was one point to which I had given a few
moments' consideration. Reluctant though I was to sully my lips with
the name of Mopworth, I felt it a duty to myself to say that even if
the Mopworths had asked us to their annual party I should have refused
point-blank.
"Really?" said Eliza. This annoyed me slightly. She ought to have seen,
without being told, that it was impossible for people like us to
continue to know people like them.
"I am accustomed," I replied, "to say just exactly what I mean. As far
as I can remember, I have lately more than once asked you to drop the
Mopworths. If I have not actually done it, it has been in my mind to do
so. They are connected to us by marriage, and I am not unduly proud,
but still I feel that we must draw the line somewhere. I do not care to
have Mopworth bragging about the place that he is on intimate terms
with us."
"Well," said Eliza, "there aren't such a lot of people who ever ask us
to anything. Miss Sakers is friendly, of course, especially when there
are subscriptions on for the bazaar or the new organ, but she doesn't
carry it to that point."
"Quite so," I said, "and I'm by no means certain about Miss Sakers. She
may be all right. I hope she is. But I candidly confess that I by no
means like her manner."
At this moment the girl brought in a note, delivered by hand, from Mrs.
Mopworth. It said that she had sent an invitation to Eliza but had had
no reply. She felt so certain that the invitation must have been
delayed in the post (which was not surprising, considering the season),
that she had ventured to write again, though it might be against
etiquette. She hoped that we should both be able to come, and said that
on the previous occasion I had been the life and soul of the party.
"Well," I said, "Eliza, what would you like to do?"
"Oh, I'm going!" she replied.
"Then if you insist, I shall go with you. I've never had a word to say
against Mrs. Mopworth. It is true that _he_ is not in every particular
what--well, what I should care to be myself. Possibly he has not had my
advantages. I do not want to judge him too harshly. My dress clothes
are put away with my summer suit in the second drawer in the box-room.
Just put them to the fire to get the creases out. And, Eliza, write a
friendly note to Mrs. Mopworth, implying that we had never heard of the
party. I saw from the first that the omission was a mistake."
Eliza went away smiling. Women are so variable.
THE PEN-WIPER
Eliza always works me some little pretty trifle for my birthday, and
always has done so since the day when I led her to the hymeneal altar.
But it is not done at all as a matter of course. During the days before
my birthday, when she is working at the present, she keeps a clean
handkerchief by her side, and flings it over the work to hide it when I
enter the room. This makes it more of a surprise when the day comes. As
a rule, I whistle a few bars in a careless way before entering the
room, so as to give her plenty of time to get the work under the
handkerchief. There is no definite arrangement about this. I merely do
what good taste dictates. Last year, instead of the handkerchief, she
kept a large table-napkin by her side when she was working. However,
though I did not tell her so, this let the secret out. I knew that she
must be doing me a pair of slippers.
* * * * *
This year, on my birthday, when I came down to breakfast, I found
placed before me the hot-water plate with the tin cover to it--a very
useful article when there happens to be an invalid in the house.
Eliza, bending down behind the tea-cosy to hide her smile, told me to
be quick with my breakfast, in rather a censorious voice. I lifted the
tin cover, and there on the plate was the pen-wiper which Eliza had
made for me.
This rather graceful and amusing way of giving a present is not really
Eliza's own invention. I did it some years ago when I gave her a
pincushion. As the pincushion was made to imitate a poached egg (and
really very like), perhaps the humour in that instance had rather more
point. However, I do not say this at all to find fault with Eliza. I am
rather one to think of novelties, and if Eliza cares to copy any of
them, so much the better.
* * * * *
The top and bottom of the pen-wiper which Eliza had made for me were of
black velvet, which always has a handsome look to my mind. On the top
was worked in gold beads, "Kindly clean the pen." The interior was
composed of several folds of very pale shades of art muslin. Only the
day before Messrs. Howlett & Bast had refused to send any more
patterns, as the last lot sent had not been returned, though twice
applied for. I understood that now.
However, it made a very good pen-wiper, in pleasant, simple taste, and
I thanked Eliza for it several times most warmly. At my suggestion it
was placed on the centre-table in the drawing-room. One never wrote
there, but it seemed naturally to belong to the drawing-room.
* * * * *
So far, my birthday had gone happily enough. In the evening, when I
returned from the city, I sat down to write a short, sharp note to
Messrs. Howlett & Bast. I explained to them that by their impertinence
they were running a grave risk of entirely losing my custom, and
suggested to them that the lot of patterns to which they referred might
very possibly have been lost in the post.
When I had finished the letter, I wiped my pen on the inside of my
coat. This is my general custom. Some men wipe their pens on their
hair,--not a very cleanly habit, in my opinion,--besides, unless the
colour of the hair is exceptionally dark, the ink shows.
I had no sooner wiped my pen on the inside of my coat than I remembered
Eliza's present. Determined to show her that I appreciated it, I took a
full dip of ink, stepped into the drawing-room, and wiped the pen on
the new pen-wiper. Then I called up-stairs: "Eliza, I have just found
your present very useful. Would you like to come and look?" She
happened to be fastening something up the back at the time, but she
came down a minute afterward.
She picked up the pen-wiper, looked at it, exclaimed "Ruined!" and then
walked rapidly out of the room. I followed her, and asked what was the
matter.
It appeared that the words, "Kindly clean the pen," meant that the pen
was to be cleaned on a scrap of paper before the pen-wiper was used.
Eliza said that I might have known that the pretty muslin was not
intended to be a perfect mess of ink.
"Well," I said, "I didn't know. That's all there is to say about it."
But it was not, apparently, all that there was to say about it. In
fact, the whole thing cast an unpleasant shade over the evening of my
birthday. Finally I took a strong line, and refused to speak at all.
THE 9.43
In the course of conversation on Saturday evening it had transpired
that Eliza had never been in St. Paul's Cathedral. "Then," I said, "you
shall go there to-morrow morning; I will take you."
"I'm sure I'm agreeable," said Eliza.
On the Sunday morning one or two little things had happened to put me
out. At breakfast I had occasion to say that the eggs were stone-cold,
and Eliza contradicted me. It was very absurd of her. As I pointed out
to her, what earthly motive could I have for saying that an egg was
cold if it was not? What should I gain by it? Of course she had no
answer--that is, no reasonable answer. Then after breakfast I broke my
boot-lace in two places. No, I was not angry. I hope I can keep my
temper as well as most men. But I was in a state of mind bordering on
the irritable.
* * * * *
Eliza came down-stairs, dressed for going out, asked me why I was not
ready, and said we should miss the 9.43.
"Indeed!" said I. "And what, precisely, might you mean by the 9.43?"
"I mean, precisely, the train which leaves here for the city at
seventeen minutes to ten."
"One of your usual mistakes," I replied. "The train is 9.53, and not
9.43."
"Have you a time-table?" she asked.
"No."
"Because if you had a time-table I could show you that you are wrong.
Why, I _know_ it's the 9.43."
"If I had a time-table I could show you most certainly that it is the
9.53. Not that you'd believe it, even then. You're too obstinate,
Eliza--too certain of yourself!"
* * * * *
"Look here!" I observed, after she had argued that point at some
length, "let us come back to the original subject of discussion. Which
of us travels most to and from London? That is the reasonable way to
settle it."
"You do, on week-days. But you never go on Sundays, and the Sunday
trains are different."
"I am fully aware of the difference. Every day I am thrown into
constant contact with the time-tables. Only last night I was looking at
them at the station. As far as I know, my memory is not going."
"No more is mine."
"Really? A week ago I purchased and brought home six new collars. They
are not marked. Why? Because you forgot them! At this very moment that
I am speaking to you I am wearing an unmarked collar."
"Yes; but I only forgot them one day."
"Then why did you not mark them on the other days?"
"Because on the other days you forgot to bring home the marking-ink."
"'M, yes," I said. "In a sense that is true. I have my own business to
attend to in the city without always thinking about marking-ink. But
what has that got to do with it? And why bring it in? We are not
talking about marking-ink; we are talking about trains!"
She said that I began it, and of course I pointed out to her that I had
done nothing of the kind.
* * * * *
We argued for some little time as to which of us had begun it, and then
Eliza said, in her spiteful way--
"We are not talking about which of us began it; we are talking about
trains!"
"It's very little use talking to you about trains. I know you're wrong!
I would stake my life, cheerfully, that it is 9.53, and not 9.43. But
you'd never own you're wrong; you're too obstinate for that!"
"Of course I don't own I'm wrong, because I'm not wrong! That would be
silly!" she added, reflectively. "Even if it was 9.53, I shouldn't be
wrong. All I said was, that we should miss the 9.43. Well, if there is
no 9.43, we cannot catch it; and what you don't catch, you miss!"
"Absurd nonsense! If you do not catch scarlet fever, you do not say
that you miss it!"
She replied: "We are not talking about scarlet fever; we are talking
about trains!"
"Bah!" I exclaimed. I should have added more, but at this moment the
clock on the dining-room mantelpiece struck ten.
THE CONUNDRUMS
I had bought the little book at the station stall, and it seemed to be
very well worth the sixpence which I paid for it. It was entitled
"Everybody's Book of Bright and Original Conundrums." Of course I had
an idea in my head in buying the book; I am not the man to throw away
my money to no purpose. I thought that these conundrums would be not
only a pleasant amusement, but also a valuable intellectual exercise to
Eliza and myself during the winter evenings. Then we could use them for
social purposes during the Christmas party season. I do not know how it
may be with others, but I have often found, when introduced to a lady,
that I have said "Good evening," and then had absolutely nothing else
to say. With the help of the conundrum book I would fill in any awkward
pause by asking her who was the most amiable king in history. That
would break the ice. Besides, if we kept the book reasonably clean, it
might afterward make a very serviceable and acceptable present to
Eliza's mother. I generally know pretty well what I am doing, I think.
I looked at two or three of the conundrums on the way home. There was
one which I do not remember precisely, but remarkably clever--something
about training the shoot and shooting the train. I often wonder who it
is who thinks of these things.
* * * * *
I was, perhaps, rather unfortunate in the evening when I brought the
book home. Something may have occurred to put Eliza out; she was
inclined to be quite sharp with me. I asked her, gaily, in the passage
when I came in, "Can you tell me, dearest, the difference between a
camel and a corkscrew? If not, here is a little volume which will
inform you."
"Oh, yes! One's used for drawing corks, and the other isn't. You
needn't have wasted sixpence on a rubbishy book to tell me that."
"But your answer is not the correct one," I replied. "The correct
answer contains a joke. Think again."
"Well, I can't, then. I've got the wash to count."
I said that the wash could wait, but she would not appear to hear me,
and went off up-stairs.
* * * * *
At supper I took occasion to say:
"You answered me very tartly when I asked you this afternoon for the
difference between a camel and a corkscrew. Perhaps you would not have
done so had you known that I bought that book with the intention of
sending it as a present to your mother."
"Do you think ma would care about it?"
"I think it would cheer her lonely hours. There are upwards of a
thousand conundrums in the book. I have only read twelve, but I found
them all exceedingly amusing, and, at the same time, perfectly
refined."
"Well, I don't see the good of them."
"They are an intellectual exercise, if you try to guess the right
answer."
"I don't believe anybody ever did or ever will guess the right answer."
"If I had time," I said, "I believe I could generally think out a witty
answer myself. I do not want to boast, but I believe so."
"Very well, then," said Eliza, snatching up the book and opening it at
random, "here's one for you. 'If a lady slipped down the steps of St.
Paul's Cathedral, what would she say?' Give me the answer to that."
"I will try to," I replied.
Now, just at the moment when Eliza put the question I felt that I had
really got the answer, and then it seemed to pass away from me. Later
in the evening I was certainly on the right track, when Eliza dropped
her scissors, and the noise again put me off. I spent a very poor
night; the answer kept sort of coming and going. Just as I was dropping
off to sleep, I seemed to have thought of the answer, and then I would
wake up to be sure of it, and find it had slipped me again.
As I was leaving the office, in the evening, after thinking till my
head ached without arriving at any result, I put the question to one of
our clerks. I thought he might possibly know.
"No," he said, "I don't know what a lady would say if she slipped down
those steps. I could make a fair guess at what a man would say, if
that's any good to you." Of course it was not.
So, on my return home, I told Eliza that I had not had enough time to
spare to think of the answer, and I should be glad to know where she
had put the book.
"Oh, I sent that to mother!" she said. "I thought you wanted it sent."
"You might have waited until you knew whether I had finished with it.
But, however, what was the answer to that silly riddle?"
"The one about St. Paul's Cathedral? That wasn't in the book at all. I
made up the question out of my own head for fun."
"Then," I replied, "all I can say is, that your idea of fun is not
mine. It seems to me to be acting a lie. It was not a conundrum at
all."
"It would have been if you could have thought of an answer."
"Say no more," I replied, coldly. "I prefer to drop the subject."
THE INK
The ink-pot contained a shallow sediment, with short hairs, grit, and a
little moisture in it. It came out on the pen in chunks. When I had
spoiled the second postcard, Eliza said I was not to talk like that.
"Very well, then," I said, "why don't you have the ink-pot refilled?
I'm not made of postcards, and I hate waste."
She replied that anybody would think I was made of something to hear me
talk. I thought I had never heard a poorer retort, and told her so. I
did not stay to argue it further, as I had to be off to the city. On my
return I found the ink-pot full. "This," I thought to myself, "is very
nice of Eliza." I had a letter I wanted to write, and sat down to it.
I wrote one word, and it came out a delicate pale gray. I called Eliza
at once. I was never quieter in my manner, and it was absurd of her to
say that I needn't howl the house down.
"We will not discuss that," I replied. "Just now I sat down to write a
letter----"
"What do you want to write letters for now? You might just as well have
done them at the office."
I shrugged my shoulders in a Continental manner. "You are probably not
aware that I was writing to your own mother. She has so few pleasures.
If you do not feel rebuked now----"
"I don't think mamma will lend you any more if you do write."
"We will not enter into that. Why did you fill the ink-pot with water?"
"I didn't."
"Then who did?"
"Nobody did. I didn't think of it until tea-time, and then--well, the
tea was there."
I once read a story where a man laughed a low, mirthless laugh. The
laugh came to me quite naturally on this occasion. "Say no more," I
said. "This is contemptible. Now I forbid you to get the ink--I will
get it myself."
* * * * *
On the following night she asked me if I had bought that ink. I
replied, "No, Eliza; it has been an exceptionally busy day, and I have
not had the time."
"I thought you had forgotten it, perhaps."
"I supposed you would say that," I said. "In you it does not surprise
me."
* * * * *
A week later Eliza said that she wanted to do her accounts. "I am glad
of that," I said. "Now you will know the misery of living without ink
in the house."
"No, I sha'n't," she said, "because I always do my accounts in pencil."
"About three months ago I asked you to fill that ink-pot with ink. Why
is it not done?"
"Because you also definitely forbade me to get any ink to fill it with.
And you said you'd get it yourself. And it wasn't three months ago."
"I always knew you could not argue, Eliza," I replied. "But I am sorry
to see that your memory is failing you as well."
* * * * *
On the next day I bought a penny bottle of ink and left it behind me in
an omnibus. There was another bottle (this must have been a week later)
which I bought, but dropped on the pavement, where it broke. I did not
mention these things to Eliza, but I asked her how much longer she was
going to cast a shade over our married life by neglecting to fill the
ink-pot.
"Why," she said, "that has been done days and days ago! How can you be
so unjust?"
* * * * *
It was as she had said. I made up my mind at once to write to Eliza's
mother--who, rightly or wrongly, considers that I have a talent for
letter-writing. I felt happier now than I had done for some time, and
made up my mind to tell Eliza that I had forgiven her. I wrote a long,
cheerful letter to her mother, and thought I would show it to Eliza
before I posted it. I called up-stairs to her, "Come down, darling, and
see what I've done."
Then I sat down again, and knocked the ink-pot over. The ink covered
the letter, the table, my clothes, and the carpet; a black stream of it
wandered away looking for something else to spoil.
Then Eliza came down and saw what I had done. To this day she cannot
see that it was partly her own fault. The bottle, of course, was too
full.
THE PUBLIC SCANDAL
I am not a landlord. It suits my purpose better, and is in every way
more convenient, to rent a small house on a yearly agreement. But if I
were a landlord, I would not allow any tenant of mine to do anything
that tended to undermine and honeycomb the gentility of the district. I
should take a very short method with such a tenant. I should say to him
or her: "Now, then, either this stops, or you go out this instant."
That would settle it. However, I am not a landlord.
Even as a tenant I take a very natural interest in the district in
which I live. I chose the district carefully, because it was
residential, and not commercial. The houses are not very large, and
they might be more solidly built, but they are not shops. They have
electric bells, and small strips of garden, and a generally genteel
appearance. Two of the houses in Arthur Street are occupied by
piano-tuners, and bear brass plates. I do not object to that.
Piano-tuning is a profession, and I suppose that, in a way, I should be
considered a professional man myself. Nor do I object to the letting of
apartments, as long as it is done modestly, and without large, vulgar
notice-boards. But the general tone of the district is good, and I do
most strongly object to anything which would tend to lower it.
* * * * *
It was, as far as I remember, on the Tuesday evening that Eliza rather
lost her temper about the hairpins, and said that if I kept on taking
them and taking them she did not see how she was to do her hair at all.
This seemed to me rather unjust. I had not taken the hairpins for my
own pleasure. The fact is that the waste-pipe from the kitchen sink
frequently gets blocked, and a hairpin will often do it when nothing
else will. I replied coldly, but without temper, that in future I would
have hairpins of my own.
She said: "What nonsense!"
At this I rose, and went up-stairs to bed.
I think that most people who know me know that I am a man of my word.
On the following morning, before breakfast, I went into the High Street
to buy a pennyworth of hairpins. The short cut from our road into the
High Street is down Bloodstone Terrace.
It was in Bloodstone Terrace that I witnessed a sight which pained and
surprised me very much. It disgusted me. It was a disgrace to the
district, and amounted to a public scandal. St. Augustine's--which is
the third house in the terrace--had taken in washing, and not only had
taken in washing, but were using their front garden as a drying-ground!
An offensive thing of that kind makes my blood boil.
* * * * *
"Eliza," I said, as I brushed my hat preparatory to leaving for the
city, "I intend to write to Mr. Hamilton to-day."
"Have you got the money, then?" Eliza asked, eagerly.
"If you refer to last quarter's rent, I do not mean to forward it
immediately. A certain amount of credit is usual between landlord and
tenant. An established firm of agents like Hamilton & Bland must know
that."
"Yesterday was the third time they've written for the money, anyhow,
and you can say what you like. What are you writing for, then?"
"I have a complaint to make."
"Well, I wouldn't make any complaints until I'd paid last quarter, if I
were you. They'll only turn you out."
"I think not. I make the complaint in their interest. When a tenant in
Bloodstone Terrace is acting in a way calculated to bring the whole
neighbourhood into disrepute, and depreciate the value of house
property, the agents would probably be glad to hear of it."
"Well, you're missing your train. You run off, and don't write any
letters until to-night. Then you can talk about it, if you like."
In the evening, at supper, Eliza said she had been down Bloodstone
Terrace, and could not see what I was making all the fuss about.
"It is simply this," I said. "St. Augustine's is converted into a
laundry, and the front garden used as a drying-ground in a way that, to
my mind, is not decent."
"Yes," said Eliza, "that's Mrs. Pedder. The poor woman has to do
something for her living. She's just started, and only got one job at
present. It would be cruel----"
"Not at all. Let her wash, if she must wash, but let her wash somewhere
else. I cannot have these offensive rags flapping in my face when I
walk down the street."
"They're not offensive rags. I'm most particular about your things."
"What do you mean?"
"It's your things that she washes. I thought I'd give her a start."
I dashed off half a glass of beer, put the glass down with a bang, and
flung myself back in the chair without a word.
"Don't behave in that silly way," said Eliza. "She's a halfpenny
cheaper on the shirt than the last woman."
"You need not mention that," I replied. "In any case I shall not
complain now. I must bear the burden of any mistakes that you make. I
am well aware of it."
"I'll tell her to hang them out at the back in future."
"She can hang them where she pleases. I suppose I can bear it. It's
only one more trial to bear. One thing goes after another."
"On the contrary," said Eliza, "she's never lost as much as a collar.
There's a smut on your nose."
"It can stop there," I said, moodily, and went out into the garden.
THE "CHRISTIAN MARTYR"
The "Christian Martyr" was what is called an engraving, and a very
tasteful thing, too, besides being the largest picture we had. It
represented a young woman, drowned, floating down a river by night,
with her hands tied, and a very pleasing expression on her face. With
the frame (maple, and a gilt border inside) it came to three-and-six. I
bought it in the Edgware Road on my own responsibility, and carried it
home. I thought Eliza would like it, and she did.
"Poor thing!" she said. "You can see she must have been a lady, too.
But frightfully dusty!"
"You can't get everything for three-and-six. If you'd been under the
counter in a dirty little----"
"Well, all right! I wasn't complaining; but I like things clean." And
she took the "Christian Martyr" into the kitchen.
* * * * *
"Where did you mean to put it?" asked Eliza.
"The only good place would be between 'The Charge of the Light Brigade'
and 'The Stag at Bay.'"
"What! In the dining-room?"
"Certainly."
"Well, I shouldn't," said Eliza. "It's a sacred subject, and we use the
drawing-room on Sundays. That's the place."
"I think I can trust my own taste," I said. I got a brass-headed nail
and a hammer, and began. Eliza said afterward that she had known the
chair would break before ever I stood on it.
"Then you might have mentioned it," I said, coldly. "However, you shall
learn that when I have made up my mind to do a thing, I do it." I rang
the bell, and told the girl to fetch the steps.
I hung the "Christian Martyr," and was very pleased with the effect.
The whole room looked brighter and more cheerful. I asked Eliza what
she thought, and she answered, as I expected, that the picture ought to
have been in the drawing-room.
"Eliza," I said, "there is one little fault which you should try to
correct. It is pigheadedness."
* * * * *
At breakfast next morning the picture was all crooked. I put it
straight. Then the girl brought in the bacon, rubbed against the
picture, and put it crooked again. I put it straight again, and sat
down. The girl, in passing out, put it crooked once more.
"Really," I said to Eliza, "this is a little too much!"
"Then put some of it back."
"I was not referring to what I have on my plate, but to that girl's
conduct. I don't buy 'Christian Martyrs' for her to treat them in that
way, and I think you should speak about it."
"She can't get past without rubbing against it. You've put it so low. I
said it would be better in the drawing-room."
As usual, I kept my temper.
"Eliza," I said, "have you already forgotten what I told you last
night? We all of us--even the best of us--have our faults, but
surely----"
"While you're talking you're missing your train," she said.
* * * * *
On my return from the city I went into the dining-room and found the
picture gone. Eliza was sitting there as calmly as if nothing had
happened.
"Where is the 'Christian Martyr'?" I asked.
"On the sofa in the drawing-room. You said yourself that it was only in
the way in here. I thought you might like to hang it there."
"I am not angry," I said, "but I am pained." Then I fetched the
"Christian Martyr" and put it in its old place.
"You are a funny man," said Eliza; "I never know what you want."
* * * * *
As we were going up to bed that night we heard a loud bang in the
dining-room. The "Christian Martyr" was lying on the floor with the
glass broken. It had also smashed a Japanese teapot.
"I wish you'd never bought any 'Christian Martyr,'" said Eliza. "If
we'd had a mad bull in the place it couldn't have been worse. I'm sure
I'm not going to buy a new glass for it."
So next day I bought a new glass myself in the city, and brought it
back with me. But apparently Eliza had changed her mind, for a new
glass had already been fitted in, and it was hanging in the
dining-room, just where it had been before.
As a reward to Eliza I took it down and put it up in the drawing-room.
She smiled in a curious sort of way that I did not quite like. But I
thought it best to say nothing more about it.
THE PAGRAMS
Properly speaking, we had quarrelled with the Pagrams.
We both lived in the same street, and Pagram is in the same office as
myself. For some time we were on terms. Then one night they looked in
to borrow--well, I forget now precisely what it was, but they looked in
to borrow something. A month afterward, as they had not returned it, we
sent round to ask. Mrs. Pagram replied that it had already been
returned, and Pagram--this was the damning thing--told me at the office
in so many words that they had never borrowed it. Now, I hate anything
like deception. So does Eliza. For two years or more Eliza and Mrs.
Pagram have met in the street without taking the least notice of each
other. I speak to Pagram in the office--being, as you might say, more
or less paid to speak to him. But outside we have nothing to do with
each other.
* * * * *
It was on Wednesday morning, I think, at breakfast, that Eliza said:
"I've just heard from Jane, who had it from the milkman--Mrs. Pagram
had a baby born last night."
"Well, that," I observed, "is of no earthly interest to us."
"Of course it isn't. I only just mentioned it."
"Is it a boy or girl?"
"A girl. I only hope she will bring it up to speak the truth."
I replied that she might hope what we did not expect. So far Eliza had
taken just exactly the tone that I wanted. But as I watched her, I saw
her expression change and her underlip pulled down on one side, as it
were.
"Well," I said rather sharply, "what is it? These people are nothing to
us."
"No. But--it reminded me--our little girl--my baby--that died. And I----"
Here she put down her knife and fork, got up, and walked to the window.
There she stood, with her back to me.
I had a mind to speak to her about the foolishness of recalling what
must be very upsetting to her. But I said nothing, and began to brush
my silk hat briskly. It was about time that I was starting for the
city.
I went out.
Then I came back, kissed Eliza, and went out again.
* * * * *
I was a little surprised to find Pagram at the office.
"I should have thought you'd have taken a day off," I said.
"Can't afford that just now," he replied, in rather a surly way.
"All well at home?"
"No."
"By my watch," I said, "that office clock's five minutes slow. What do
you make it?"
"Don't know. Left my watch at home."
I had noticed that he was not wearing his watch. Later in the day I had
some more conversation with him. He is quite my subordinate at the
office, and I really don't know why I should have taken so much notice
of him.
* * * * *
When I came back that night I was in two minds whether to tell Eliza or
not. She hates anything like extravagance, and if I told her I felt
sure she would be displeased. At the same time, if I did not tell her,
and she found it out afterward, she would be still more displeased.
However, I decided to say nothing about it. I was a little nervous on
the point, and I own that my conscience reproached me.
As I came into the hall, Eliza came down the staircase. She was dressed
for going out, and had a basket in her hand. She said: "I want you to
let me go over to the Pagrams to see if I can do anything. She and the
baby are both very ill,--the nurse has had no sleep,--they've no one
else to help them. And--and I'm going!"
"Now, do you think this is necessary, Eliza?" I began. "When you come
to consider the position we've taken up with regard to the Pagrams for
two years, and the scandalous way in which they----"
Here I stopped. The hall door was shut, and Eliza had gone, and it was
not worth while to continue.
"Now," I thought to myself, "it's ten to one that Eliza finds me out,
and if she does, she'll probably make herself unpleasant." However, I
determined not to trouble myself about it. If it came to that, I
flattered myself that I could make myself as unpleasant as most people
when any occasion arose.
* * * * *
It was hours before Eliza returned. She burst into the room and said,
"They're both better, and the baby's a beauty, and I'm to go back
to-morrow afternoon."
"Indeed!" I said. "I don't know that you're not going a little too far
with these people."
"Do you think so? I've found you out. You didn't tell me, but Pagram
did. You lent him three pounds this morning. We can't afford that."
"Well, well," I said; "I've managed to get some overtime work, to begin
next week. That--that'll come out all right. You ought to leave these
business matters to me. Anyhow, it's no good finding fault, and----"
"Does Pagram generally return what's lent?"
I lost my temper and said that I didn't care a damn! And then--just
then--I saw that she was not really displeased about it.
"Why," she said, "you silly! I'm glad you did it. The poor things were
at their wits' end, and had got--they'd got nothing! You've saved them,
and I never have liked anything you've done half as much as this."
Here Eliza burst into tears--which is really very unusual with her.
PROMOTION
How true it is, as one of our English poets has remarked, that it is
always darkest before the silver lining!
While this little work was actually in the hands of the printers, an
incident occurred of such great and far-reaching importance that I
cannot refrain from making it the subject of an additional paper. I can
give it in one word--promotion.
It came at a time when I was suffering from great depression and
considerable irritation, as I have already indicated in my opening
remark. It was on a Wednesday morning, and those who know me know that
invariably on Sunday, Wednesday, and Friday I put on a clean shirt. The
number may seem excessive, and perhaps out of proportion to my income,
but I own without shame that I am careful as to my personal appearance.
I must also add that I am very particularly careful--and, I think,
rightly--on the question of the airing of linen.
All I said was that I should put on that shirt, whether Eliza liked it
or not, and that it would probably give me my death; but that it did
not matter, and perhaps the sooner it was all over the better. There
were circumstances under which life was hardly worth living, and when
one's express injunctions were continually disregarded, one began to
despair.
Eliza spoke quite snappishly, and said that my linen was always
properly aired, and that I was too fussy.
I replied, without losing my temper, that there was airing and airing.
Even now I cannot think that Eliza was either just or accurate.
* * * * *
At breakfast-time one or two other little circumstances occurred to put
me out. A teacup which is filled so full that it overflows into the
saucer is a perfect thorn in the flesh to me. So is bacon which is
burnt to a cinder. I hardly did more than mention it, but Eliza seemed
put out; she said I did nothing but find fault, and as for the bacon, I
had better go into the kitchen and find fault with the girl, for it was
the girl who had cooked it.
"On the contrary," I said, "in ninety-nine cases out of a hundred when
a servant does wrong it is her mistress who deserves the censure."
"Go it!" said Eliza, an expression which I do not think to be quite
ladylike. "And if a hansom-cab runs over you in Oxford Street, you go
and get the damages out of the Shah of Persia. That's the line to
take."
This answer exasperated me by its silliness, and I had quite made up my
mind not to say another word of any kind during breakfast. Indeed, but
for the fact that I had not quite finished my bacon and that I hate
waste, I should have got up and walked out of the room there and then.
A little later I happened to look up, and it struck me from Eliza's
face that she might be going to cry. I therefore made a point of saying
that the butter was better than we had been having lately, and that it
looked like being a fine day after all. Anything like weakness is
repellent to me, but still, when one sees that one's words have gone
home, one is justified in not pressing the matter further.
Still, I am prepared to own that I started for the city in but low
spirits, and with no inclination to join in the frivolous conversation
that was going on in the railway carriage. On arriving at the office I
was surprised to find that Figgis, our head clerk, was not there. He
gave me the tonic port, and was inclined to be dictatorial, but I must
confess that he was always a most punctual man. I was very much
surprised.
* * * * *
Our senior partner, Mr. Bagshaw, came much earlier than usual,--10.30,
to be precise,--and sent for me at once. He is a big, fat man; he
speaks in short sentences, and breathes hard in between them. At the
moment of entering his room I was as certain that I was about to be
sacked as I have ever been of anything that I did not really know. I
was wrong.
He made me sit down, glared at me, and began:
"Yesterday evening we detained Mr. Figgis for a few minutes. At the end
of our interview with him he left this office for ever, never to
return--never!"
I said that I was very much astonished.
"We weren't. We've known there was a leakage. People knew what we were
doing--people who oughtn't to know. He sold information. We put on
detectives. They proved it. See?"
I said that I saw.
"So you've got Figgis's place for the future. See?"
At that moment you might have knocked me down with a feather; it was so
absolutely unexpected. Give me time, and I think I can provide a few
well-chosen words suitable to the occasion as well as any man. But now
I could think of nothing to say but "Thank you."
He went on to explain that this would mean an immediate rise of £75,
and a prospective rise of a further £75 at the end of a year if my work
was satisfactory. He said that I had not Figgis's abilities, of course,
but that a very close eye had been kept on me lately, and I had shown
myself to be honest, methodical, and careful in details. It was also
believed that I should realize the importance of a responsible and
confidential position, and that I should keep the men under me up to
the mark.
The rest of our conversation was concerned with my new duties, and at
the close of it he handed me Figgis's keys--my own name and the office
address had been already put on the label.
I should not be fair to myself if I did not make some reference to Mr.
Bagshaw's comparison of Figgis's abilities and my own. I will merely
state the fact that on more than one occasion Figgis has gained success
or avoided failure from suggestions made to him by myself. That he did
not give me the credit for this with the firm is precisely what I
should have expected from a man of that character. However, I have my
opportunity now, and the firm will see.
* * * * *
When I returned to the clerks' office I found one of the juniors
playing the fool.
"I wish you'd stop that, please," I said, "and get on with your work."
"Who gave you the right to give orders here?" he asked me, rudely.
Fortunately, that was what I had expected he would say, and therefore I
had my answer ready:
"Mr. Bagshaw did, three minutes ago, when he made me head of this
department in place of Mr. Figgis."
And without another word I went calmly to Mr. Figgis's desk and
unlocked it. The effect was remarkable, and gave me great pleasure.
During the luncheon hour I received several congratulations, and was
pressed to partake of liquor. But I had long ago made up my mind that
if the firm ever did place me in a good and responsible position, I
would give up alcohol during business hours altogether. I carried out
that resolution, and shall continue to do so; Figgis, with all his
so-called abilities, was frequently drowsy in the afternoon. Apart from
that, I hope I was not wanting in geniality. I snatched a few moments
to telegraph to Eliza: "Meet train to-night. Very good news for you."
On my way to the station I purchased a small bottle of champagne,--it
cost half a crown, but the price for this wine is always pretty stiff.
I also took back with me in my bag a tinned tongue and some pears.
Eliza was waiting for me, and was obviously excited. She had guessed
what had happened.
"Got Figgis's berth?" she said.
"Yes. Let's get off the platform as soon as we can. Everybody's looking
at us."
We walked home very quickly, Eliza asking questions all the way, and
looking, as I noticed, quite five years younger. After what I have said
as to my purchases, I need not add that supper that night was a perfect
banquet.
We had a long discussion as to our future, and did not get to bed until
past eleven. I was at first in favour of taking a rather better house,
but Eliza thought we should do more wisely to spread the money over
making ourselves more comfortable generally. When she came to go into
it in detail, I found that on the whole hers was the preferable course.
New curtains for the drawing-room are to be put in hand at once. The
charwoman is to come regularly once a week. We raised the girl's wages
a pound, and she went into hysterics. Eliza has insisted that I am to
have a first-class season-ticket in future. There is much can be done
with £75.
On the whole, about the happiest evening of my life.
THE END.
*** End of this LibraryBlog Digital Book "Eliza" ***
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