Title: More Peers : Verses
Author: Belloc, Hilaire, 1870-1953
Language: English
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  MORE PEERS

  Verses by H. BELLOC
  Pictures by B. T. B.

  [Illustration]

  LONDON: DUCKWORTH & CO.



  Printed in Great Britain at
  _The Mayflower Press, Plymouth_. William Brendon & Son, Ltd.



  CONTENTS


                                                                       PAGE

     I. Edward, first EARL OF ROEHAMPTON in the County of
        Surrey, deceased                                                  5

    II. Archibald, fifteenth Baron CALVIN of Peebles in North
        Britain                                                          11

   III. Henry de la Tour Albert St. John Chase, commonly
        known as LORD HENRY CHASE                                        12

    IV. Thomas, second Baron HEYGATE of Bayswater in the
        County of London                                                 15

     V. Percy, first EARL OF EPSOM, in the County of Surrey              16

    VI. Arthur Weekes, commonly known as LORD FINCHLEY,
        Eldest Son and Heir of Charles, first Baron
        Hendon                                                           22

   VII. Ali-Baba, first (and last) Baron ALI-BABA of Salonika            24

  VIII. George Punter, commonly known as LORD HIPPO,
        Eldest Son and Heir of Peter, sixth Earl of
        Potamus                                                          27

    IX. Baron UNCLE TOM of Maarfontein in the Britains
        Over Seas                                                        36

     X. William, eighth EARL LUCKY, subsequently fifth Duke
        of Bradford                                                      39

    XI. Christopher, sixth Baron CANTON                                  45

   XII. Alcibiades, third Baron ABBOTT of Brackley in Southamptonshire   47



Lord Roehampton


[Illustration]

During a late election Lord
Roehampton strained a vocal chord
From shouting, very loud and high,
To lots and lots of people why
The Budget in his own opin-
-Ion should not be allowed to win.

He

[Illustration]

            sought a Specialist, who said:
"You have a swelling in the head:
Your Larynx is a thought relaxed
And you are greatly over-taxed."

"I am indeed! On every side!"
The Earl (for such he was) replied

[Illustration]

In hoarse excitement.... "Oh! My Lord,
You jeopardize your vocal chord!"
Broke in the worthy Specialist.
"Come! Here's the treatment! I insist!
To Bed! to Bed! And do not speak
A single word till Wednesday week,
When I will come and set you free
(If you are cured) and take my fee."

On Wednesday week the Doctor hires
A Brand-new Car with Brand-new Tyres
And Brand-new Chauffeur all complete
For visiting South Audley Street.

      *      *      *      *      *

But what is this? No Union Jack
Floats on the Stables at the back!
No Toffs escorting Ladies fair
Perambulate the Gay Parterre.
A 'Scutcheon hanging lozenge-wise
And draped in crape appals his eyes
Upon the mansion's ample door,
To which he wades through

[Illustration]

                     heaps of Straw,[A]
And which a Butler

[A] This is the first and only time
That I have used this sort of Rhyme.

[Illustration]

                           drowned in tears,
On opening but confirms his fears:
"Oh! Sir!--Prepare to hear the worst!...
Last night my kind old master burst.
And what is more, I doubt if he
Has left enough to pay your fee.
The Budget----"

                      With a dreadful oath,
The Specialist,

[Illustration]

                      denouncing both
The Budget _and_ the House of Lords,
Buzzed angrily Bayswaterwards.

      *      *      *      *      *

And ever since, as I am told,
Gets it beforehand; and in gold.



Lord Calvin


Lord Calvin thought the Bishops should not sit
As Peers of Parliament.

[Illustration]

                                  And _argued_ it!
In spite of which, for years, and years, and years,
They went on sitting with their fellow-peers.



Lord Henry Chase


What happened to Lord Henry Chase?
He got into a

[Illustration]

                        Libel Case!
_The Daily Howl_ had said that he--
But could not prove it perfectly
To Judge or Jury's satisfaction:
His Lordship, therefore,

[Illustration]

                          won the action.
But, as the damages were small,

[Illustration]

He gave them to a Hospital.



Lord Heygate


[Illustration]

LORD HEYGATE had a troubled face,
His furniture was commonplace--
The sort of Peer who well might pass
For someone of the middle class.
I do not think you want to hear
About this unimportant Peer,
So let us leave him to discourse
About LORD EPSOM and his horse.



Lord Epsom


[Illustration]

A Horse, Lord Epsom did bestride
With mastery and quiet pride.
He dug his spurs into its hide.

The Horse,

[Illustration]

                  discerning it was pricked,
Incontinently

[Illustration]

                     bucked and kicked,
A thing that no one could predict!

Lord Epsom clearly understood
The High-bred creature's nervous mood,

[Illustration]

As only such a horseman could.
Dismounting,

[Illustration]

[Illustration]

                 he was heard to say
That it was kinder to delay
His pleasure to a future day

      *      *      *      *      *

He had the Hunter led away.



Lord Finchley


[Illustration]

Lord Finchley tried to mend the Electric Light
Himself.

[Illustration]

  It struck him dead: And serve him right!
It is the business of the wealthy man
To give employment to the artisan.



Lord Ali-Baba


Lord Ali-Baba was a Turk
Who hated every kind of work,
And would repose for hours at ease
With

[Illustration]

        Houris seated on his knees.
A happy life!--Until, one day

[Illustration]

Mossoo Alphonse Effendi Bey
(A Younger Turk: the very cream
And essence of the New Regime)
Dispelled this Oriental dream
By granting him a place at Court,
High Coffee-grinder to the Porte,
Unpaid:--

[Illustration]

            In which exalted Post
His Lordship yielded up the ghost.



Lord Hippo


Lord Hippo suffered fearful loss

[Illustration]

By putting money on a horse
Which he believed, if it were pressed,
Would run far faster than the rest:
For
    someone who was in the know

[Illustration]

Had confidently told him so.

But

[Illustration]

    on the morning of the race
It only took

[Illustration]

                the _seventh_ place!

[Illustration]

Picture the Viscount's great surprise!
He scarcely could believe his eyes!
He sought the Individual who
Had laid him odds at 9 to 2,
Suggesting as a useful tip
That they should enter Partnership
And put to joint account the debt
Arising from his foolish bet.

[Illustration]

But when the Bookie--oh! my word,
I only wish you could have heard
The way he roared he did not think,
And hoped that they might strike him pink!
Lord Hippo simply turned and ran
From this infuriated man.
Despairing, maddened and distraught
He utterly collapsed and sought
His sire,

[Illustration]

          the Earl of Potamus,
And brokenly addressed him thus:
"Dread Sire--to-day--at Ascot--I ..."
His genial parent made reply:
Come! Come! Come! Come! Don't look so glum!
Trust your Papa and name the sum....

WHAT?

[Illustration]

    ... _Fifteen hundred thousand?_... Hum!
However ... stiffen up, you wreck;
Boys will be boys--so here's the cheque!
Lord Hippo, feeling deeply--well,
More grateful than he cared to tell--
Punted the lot on Little Nell:--
And got a telegram at dinner
To say

[Illustration]

that he had backed the Winner!



Lord Uncle Tom


Lord Uncle Tom was different from
  What other nobles are.
For they are yellow or pink, I think,
  But he was black as tar.

[Illustration]

He had his Father's debonair
  And rather easy pride:
But his complexion and his hair

[Illustration]

Were from the mother's side.

He often mingled in debate
  And latterly displayed

[Illustration]

Experience of peculiar weight
  Upon the Cocoa-trade.

But now He speaks no more. The BILL
  Which he could not abide,
It preyed upon his mind until
  He sickened, paled, and died.



Lord Lucky


Lord Lucky, by a curious fluke,
Became a most important duke.
From living in a vile Hotel

[Illustration]

A long way east of Camberwell

He rose, in less than half an hour,
To riches, dignity and power.
It happened in the following way:--
The Real Duke went out one day
To shoot with several people, one

[Illustration]

Of whom had never used a gun.
This gentleman (a Mr. Meyer
Of Rabley Abbey, Rutlandshire),
As he was scrambling through the brake,

[Illustration]

Discharged his weapon by mistake,
And plugged about an ounce of lead
Piff-bang into his Grace's Head----
Who naturally fell down dead.

His heir, Lord Ugly, roared, "You Brute!

[Illustration]

Take that to teach you how to shoot!"
Whereat he volleyed, left and right;
But being somewhat short of sight,
His right-hand Barrel only got
The second heir, Lord Poddleplot;
The while the left-hand charge (or choke)
Accounted for another bloke,
Who stood with an astounded air
Bewildered by the whole affair
--And was the third remaining heir.

After the

[Illustration]

            Execution (which
Is something rare among the Rich)
Lord Lucky, while of course he needed
Some

[Illustration]

      help to prove their claim,
                                 succeeded.
--But after his succession, though
All this was over years ago,
He only once indulged the whim
Of asking Meyer to lunch with him.



Lord Canton


The reason that

[Illustration]

                 the Present Lord Canton
Succeeded lately to his Brother John
Was that his Brother John, the elder son,
Died rather suddenly at forty-one.

The insolence of an Italian guide

[Illustration]

Appears to be the reason that he died.



Lord Abbott


Lord Abbott's coronet was far too small,
So small, that as he sauntered down White Hall
Even the youthful Proletariat
(Who probably mistook it for a Hat)
Remarked on its exiguous extent.

[Illustration]

Here is a picture of the incident.





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