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Title: The Complete Works of Josh Billings
Author: Shaw, Henry W.
Language: English
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TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE
The weird spelling in this book is mostly intentional, and it has been
retained as in the original, this includes inconsistencies in spelling
and hyphenation. A few changes to which seemed more likely typographic
errors have been made, they are listed at the end of the book.
Titles in the Table ov Kontents do not always correspond exactly to the
titles in the main text, this has been retained, but the spelling has
been changed in some cases to match the text. Some texts, near the end
of the book are printed with no title in the original, this has been
maintained too. The List of Illustrations contains some entries for
non-existing (in this edition, at least) illustrations and the numbering
is not consecutive, this reproduces the printed book as well.
The original printed book was apparently divided into large “sections”,
which were marked only as running page headers. In this version the
titles for these sections are written between {braces} where they start.
PUBLISHERS’ ANNOUNCEMENT.
Among the many humorists of America, not one is better known, or more
readily accorded a high rank by the public, than Henry W. Shaw (Josh
Billings). No writer of the present age is so universally quoted from as
he. His name is familiar to every tongue, and scarcely a paper in the
country appears without more or less space devoted to the sayings of
“Josh Billings.” His ready pen seems adapted to all subjects, and he is
equally at home, whether writing on the gravest or the most trivial
matters.
PUNGENCY, BREVITY, AND QUAINTNESS
seem to be prominent characteristics of his productions, while a
fountain of the richest wit supplies his pen with humor, and its waters
sparkle and glimmer like diamonds upon the paper, as he traces thereon
his description of objects in his undisputably original style. His jokes
are always clear and perceptible, and his satire, pointed and keen,
invariably strikes home.
As laughter is conducive to health, and as nothing is learned so easily
and remembered so tenaciously as that with which something pleasant is
connected, this volume will prove doubly advantageous, as it consists of
matter in which wit and wisdom are so equally mingled, that the reader
will rise from its perusal undecided whether he has gained most by its
reading, bodily health, or general knowledge.
Thousands are eager to place upon their tables and in their libraries a
volume which will be a fair specimen of the writings of this great
American humorist, and the publishers of this book take great pleasure
in being able to offer them an opportunity to gratify so laudable a
desire.
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
THE COMPLETE WORKS
OF
JOSH BILLINGS,
(HENRY W. SHAW.)
WITH ONE HUNDRED ILLUSTRATIONS
BY THOMAS NAST AND OTHERS,
AND
A BIOGRAPHICAL INTRODUCTION.
REVISED EDITION.
NEW YORK:
G. W. DILLINGHAM CO., Publishers.
MDCCCXCIX.
COPYRIGHT, 1876, BY
G. W. CARLETON & CO.
_Josh Billings._
TO
FRANCIS S. STREET, and FRANCIS S. SMITH
[EDITORS AND PROPRIETORS
OF
“THE NEW YORK WEEKLY.”]
MY PATRONS AND FRIENDS,
THIS BOOK
IS
DEDICATED.
NEW YORK, 1873. JOSH BILLINGS.
TABLE OV KONTENTS.
Page.
1 Kontentment 33
2 Marriage 36
3 Fashion’s Prayer 38
4 The Bizzy Body 40
5 Fastidiousness 42
6 Love 43
7 Fear 44
8 Buty 45
9 Faith 46
10 Branes 47
11 Spring and Biles 48
12 Tight Boots 50
13 The Lam and the Dove 52
14 The Duv 55
15 The Old Bachelor 57
16 Horns 59
17 Kissing 62
18 About Pharming 65
19 Questions and Answers 68
20 Whissling 69
21 Hotels 72
22 Laffing 75
23 Hoss Sense 78
24 Silence 79
25 Bravery 80
26 Dispatch 81
27 Pik out a Wife 82
28 Watermellons 83
29 Pik out a Dog 84
30 Pik out a Kat 86
31 Lost Arts 86
32 To Komic Lekturers 89
33 Fashion 92
34 Fun 93
35 Fret 94
36 Fury 94
37 Fits 95
38 Fuss 95
39 Fellow 96
40 Flunkey 96
41 Finis 96
42 Nu Foundland and Tarrier 97
43 The Rat Tarrier 99
44 The Monkey 100
45 The Pissmire 103
46 The Pole Kat 104
47 The Weazel 105
48 Angle Worms 107
49 The Mouse 108
50 The Yaller Dog 110
51 Roosters 113
52 The Fox 115
53 Aunt and Grasshopper 118
54 A Hen 120
55 The Gote 124
56 Goose Talk 126
57 The Clam 128
58 Snails 128
59 Striped Snake 129
60 Babys 130
61 The Crab 132
62 Essa on Swine 132
63 Cat and Kangaroo 133
64 The Codfish 136
65 The Mackrel 137
66 The Pollywogg 137
67 The Bull Head 138
68 Mudturkles 139
69 The Fly 140
70 The Crow 143
71 The Bumble Bee 144
72 The Robbing 145
73 The Swallo 146
74 The Bat 146
75 The Hawk 147
76 The Meddo Mole 148
77 The Possum 149
78 The Cursid Musketo 151
79 The Hornet 154
80 The Rabbit 157
81 The Poodle 158
82 The Patridge 159
83 The Snipe 160
84 The Cockroach 160
85 The Mule 163
86 Bed Bugs 164
87 The Flea 165
88 Not enny Shanghi 166
89 The Aunt 169
90 The Adder 172
91 The Striped Snaik 172
92 The Blue Racer 174
93 The Blak Snaik 174
94 The Milk Snaik 175
95 Raccoon and Pettyfogger 176
96 The Duk 179
97 The Turkey 180
98 The Hosstritch 181
99 The Parrot 182
100 The Bobalink 182
101 The Eagle 183
102 Natral History 183
103 Kats 186
104 The Hum Bugg 187
105 The Bugg Bear 189
106 The Game Chicken 190
107 The Duk 190
108 Sandy Hill Crane 192
109 The Rattlesnaix 193
110 The Hoop Snaik 194
111 The Anakondy 195
112 The Garter Snaix 195
113 The Eel Snaik 196
114 See Sarpent Snaix 196
115 Kopper-hed Snaix 197
116 The Blujay 198
117 The Quail 199
118 The Patridge 199
119 The Woodkok 200
120 The Guina Hen 200
121 The Goslin 201
122 The Grub 202
123 The Lady Bug 203
124 The Tree-Tud 204
125 The Porkupine 204
126 Devil’s Darning Needle 205
127 Ramrods 206
128 Lobstir Sallad 209
129 Mollassis Kandy 211
130 Puddin & Milk 215
131 Plum Pits 217
132 Chips 221
133 Koarse Shot 223
134 Slips of the Pen 226
135 Glass Dimonds 228
136 Jews Harps 231
137 Tadpoles 233
138 Pepper Pods 237
139 Hooks & Eyes 240
140 Jaw Bones 244
141 Ods and Ens 245
142 Fust Impreshuns 249
143 Plum Pits 252
144 Gnats 255
145 Kindling Wood 256
146 Phish Bawls 260
147 Stray Children 264
148 Ink Brats 269
149 Lightning Bugs 272
150 Parboils 275
151 Nest Eggs 277
152 Chicken Feed 280
153 Hard Tack 283
154 Sollum Thoughts 286
155 Ink Lings 288
156 Embers on the Harth 292
157 Hot Korn 294
158 Foundlings 298
159 Dried Fruit 300
160 Remnants 301
161 Remarks 303
162 Saws 306
163 Remarks 309
164 Nosegays 311
165 Shooting Stars 316
166 The Interviewer 320
167 The Musk Rat 322
168 The Mink 323
169 Distrikt Schoolmaster 324
170 The Pompous Man 326
171 The One Idea Man 327
172 The Happy Man 327
173 The Henpecked Man 328
174 The Officious Man 328
175 The Phunny Man 329
176 The Cheeky Man 329
177 The Live Man 330
178 The Fault-Finder 331
179 The Border Injun 332
180 The Cunning Man 336
181 The Loafer 341
182 The Projector 342
183 The Kondem Phool 343
The Precise Man 344
184 The Obtuse Man 345
185 The Posatiff Man 346
186 The Cross Man 347
187 The Pashunt Man 347
188 The Funny Man 347
189 The Honest Man 348
190 The Square Man 348
191 The Oblong Man 349
192 The Perpindiklar Man 350
193 The Limber Man 350
194 The Jolly Man 350
195 The Pewter Man 351
196 The Fiteing Man 351
197 The Precise Man 352
198 Coquett and Prude 353
199 The Effeminate Man 356
200 The Jealous Man 357
201 The Anonymous Man 357
202 The Stiff Man 357
203 The Model Man 358
204 The Neat Person 359
205 John Bascomb 361
206 Elizibeth Meachem 364
207 Good Rezolushuns 366
208 My Fust Gong 369
209 Korn 370
210 Advertizement 372
211 Tew Lectur Kommittys 373
212 Letter to Farmers 376
213 A Tempranse Klub 377
214 The Proverbial Pig 380
215 Sowing Sosiety Address 381
216 The Fust Baby 383
217 Billings under Oath 383
218 At Niagra Falls 386
219 Negro and Trout 390
220 Dandy and Thimble-Rigger 393
221 Long Branch 396
222 Billiards 400
223 Habits of Grate Men 401
224 Insures his Life 403
225 Tew pick out a Hoss 404
226 Agrikultural Hoss-Trott 407
227 Oats 409
228 Pashunce ov Job 413
229 The Game of Yewker 415
230 Beer 416
231 Laughing 418
232 The Advent No. 2. 419
233 Questions and Answers 422
234 Saratoga and Lake George 424
235 Sum Vegetabel History 428
236 New Ashford 428
237 Bends 432
238 Koliding 434
239 At Short Range 438
240 Beau Bennet 440
241 To Male Young Men 442
242 Female Remarks 445
243 Private Opinyuns 447
244 On Courting 451
245 Nuzepaper Tatlings 452
246 Mounts a Velocipede 456
247 The Rase Koarse 458
248 Billings Lexicon 462
249 Owly 465
250 Pordunk Village 468
251 4 Letters 472
252 Settles with Correspondents 475
253 A Loose Epistle 477
254 Short Replys 480
255 Wimmins Rights 483
256 Dog Talk 487
258 Short but Sweet 490
259 Josh Replies 494
260 Hair Oil Man 497
261 The Gassy Man 500
262 The Sharp Man 501
263 The Lazy Man 502
264 The Nervous Man 502
265 The Dignified Man 503
266 The Weak Man 504
THE END.
LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS.
Page.
1 Steel Portrait 1
2 Darwin & Whiskey 11
3 Essays 33
4 Perfectly Satisfied 34
5 Fashuns Prayer 40
6 Fastidiousness 43
7 Biles 50
8 The Lam & Duv 54
9 In a horn 60
10 Connubial Bliss 64
11 Horace Greeley 65
12 Whissling 70
13 An Oration 78
14 Esops Jackass 83
15 Comik Lekture 90
16 Fuss & Feathers 93
17 Animated Natur 97
18 A newfoundland Dog 98
19 The Pole Kat 104
20 A Yaller Dog 111
21 A Sly Fox 117
22 A phool of a hen 123
23 Goose talk 127
24 Spice-box 129
25 Cat and Kangaroo 134
26 Annimated Natur 136
27 The Fly 140
28 A nightmare 145
29 The Musketo 152
30 The Rabbit 157
31 The Mule 163
32 The Shanghi 167
33 Snaix 173
34 Publik Institutions 174
35 Feathered ones 179
36 Kats 186
37 The Game Chicken 190
38 More Snaix 194
39 The Blujay 198
40 Vermin 203
41 Affurisms 206
42 Ramrods 207
43 Molasis Kandy 212
44 Christmas Pie 218
45 Koarse Shot 223
46 Glass Dimonds 229
47 Tadpoles 234
48 Hooks & Eyes 241
49 A Musical Duett 244
50 Odds & Ends 246
51 First Impressions 249
52 Voting 253
53 The World on fire 257
54 Stray Children 264
55 Lightning bugs 272
56 Nest Eggs 278
58 Hard tack 284
59 Ink-lings 289
60 Hot Korn 295
61 Remnants 302
62 Saws 306
63 Nosegays 312
64 Shooting stars 317
66 The Interviewer 321
67 The Yankee 327
68 Spinsters 332
69 Injuns 335
70 Frequent Kritters 341
71 Peculiar ones 349
72 Coquet & prude 354
73 The neat Person 360
74 John Bascomb 362
76 Good Rezolushuns 367
77 Korns 371
78 Lektur Committees 374
79 Temperance Klub 378
80 Pordunk Sowing Society 382
81 A Bookeeper 384
82 Takes a drink 392
83 At Long Branch 397
84 Grate men 401
86 The Hoss 405
87 A hoss-laff 410
88 Mi Washerwoman 414
89 Beer 417
90 Science 420
91 Long Branch 425
92 Tadpoles 431
93 Tew late 435
95 Skating akcident 437
96 At Prayers 441
97 Tew mutch whiskey 443
98 Private opinions 448
99 Latest news 453
100 The Races 459
101 Spinning Yarns 466
102 Pordunk Churchyard 469
103 To Correspondents 472
104 Letter boxes 473
105 Hiz Washerwoman 478
106 Wimmins Rongs 483
107 Meeting a Bear 488
108 Among Beasts 490
109 Hotel Porter 494
113 A Domestik Scene 498
124 Democratic Orator 500
129 Suicide 504
BIOGRAPHICAL INTRODUCTION.
ADAPTED FROM THE LONDON EDITION.
In the United States of America a “show” is the generic name comprising
every description of entertainment, being equally applied to an
equestrian performance, a dramatic company, an operatic concert, a
political oration, or a lecture on the geology of the oil district of
Pennsylvania. A few years ago, when I did not know America quite so well
as I do now, I was asked by Mr. Barnum to meet him on a matter of
business at his celebrated Museum on Broadway. Every one who has visited
New York and called in at that strangely-jumbled exhibition, will
remember a small room on the first landing, with “Mr. Barnum--Private”
painted on the door. I don’t know whether any show-case in the Museum
was as attractive to the crowds of country visitors as that little room
proved to be. Though privacy was written on the post, publicity was ever
peeping in at the door. Shrewd, astute, and _rusé_ as Barnum is, none
knew better than he that the greatest object of interest in the Museum
was himself. Hence he arranged to have his private room immediately in
front of the public staircase, with the door always a little open, to
pique curiosity, unless really important business required absolute
seclusion. In this room, or rather in this glass-case, for its three
sides were of glass, like the cases containing the wax-figures and the
stuffed animals, Barnum and I met. He conversed about different
speculations he had on hand, and various ideas which he wished to carry
out. Some of them were very characteristic of the man and his spirit of
enterprise. One, was to organize an expedition to the mouth of Davis’s
Straits at the proper season, select a very large iceberg, bring it down
in the tow of two or three steamers to New York Bay, put a floating
fence around it, exhibit the iceberg at twenty-five cents admission, and
realize a large profit by making and vending sherry cobblers with ice
from the real iceberg! Another idea suggested by the man of many shows
was to get the American Minister at the Court of Constantinople to apply
to the Sultan for a firman to permit Barnum or his agent to visit the
mosque at Hebron, traditionally asserted to be built over the Cave of
Machpelah, in which the remains of the patriarchs were buried. “If we
could only get the remains of Abraham and bring them to New York!”
exclaimed the _deus ex machinâ_ of the Museum, rubbing his hands with
delight at the ingenuity of the thought. Then, after a moment’s
reflection, and knowing me to be well acquainted with England, he
remarked, inquiringly, “What do you think of Spurgeon for a show? Could
he be got over here?” To me unused as I then was to American can
manners, the association of a clergyman with Bartlemy Fair and Barnum’s
Museum seemed ludicrously incongruous. Subsequently my experience taught
me to believe that some of the preachers of the United States look at
their position from the same point of view as did Mr. Barnum in wishing
to speculate in Spurgeon.
A “showman,” as well as an author, _Josh Billings_ is now regarded in
the cities of the Union. In England we would style him a facetious
lecturer, but the lecturing business in America is carried out with all
the arts, formulæ and appurtenances of showmanship. There are the large
posters, the puff advertisements, the agent in advance, and the
lithographs plain or colored, all brought into requisition. It is quite
true that if Charles Dickens visited Manchester or Birmingham to read
“Doctor Marigold” or “The Christmas Carol,” he also had his agent and
his yellow window-bills with the black and red printing; but the
window-bill is limited to a size and is printed in a style fitting to
the superior class of entertainment; while, in America, the posters of
the popular lecturer are as showy and as exciting as those of Van
Amburgh with his wild beasts, or the Hanlon Brothers with their feats on
the trapeze. Quaintness, however, is an essential requisite in the
placard of the facetious lecturer. _Artemus Ward_ used to announce in
large letters on the walls that he would “Speak a Piece” at a certain
place and on a certain date. _Josh Billings_ announces in a still more
mystic manner, strongly reminding the observer of Ruskin’s bizarre,
grotesque, enigmatical titles. I have before me, as I write, a printed
notice which reads thus:--
“ALLYN HALL, HARTFORD.
JOSH BILLINGS,
On the 7th,
WITH HIS
HOBBY HORSE.”
The reader who is anxious to know what _Josh Billings_ means by an
advertisement so eccentric in its character can have his curiosity
satisfied by turning to page 404 of this work. The chapter is headed
“How to pick out a good Horse,” and the caption is assuredly none the
more inappropriate or infelicitous than are the titular conundrums of
the “Seven Lamps of Architecture,” “Unto this Last,” or “A Crown of Wild
Olives.” John Ruskin and _Josh Billings_ understand with equal clearness
the value of a title which shall arrest attention by not being too easy
of comprehension.
I first heard of _Josh Billings_ several years ago when crossing the
Isthmus of Panama by that remarkable railway which connects the Atlantic
and Pacific oceans. When Nuñez de Balboa in the olden time had his first
peep of the Pacific, and beheld the ocean which no European had before
seen, from an eminence which is now a station of the railway, he little
thought that in a few centuries hence the steam engine would haul
thousands upon thousands of Christians up to the same summit, and allow
them to enjoy the same sight at so many American dollars each. Terribly
prosaic is this earth becoming! And, despite Schiller and Coleridge, it
is scarcely Jupiter who “brings whate’er is good,” or Venus “who brings
everything that’s fair.” A locomotive or a steamboat will bring or take
you to both; and a railway it was which brought me to know of _Josh
Billings_. The incident was simply this:
Midway on the Panama railway there is a station at which travellers
alight while the engineer looks after his supply of wood and water. A
beautifully picturesque station it is, looking from it along the road
which you have come, or adown that portion of the railway track which
you have to go--a luxuriance of tropical vegetation meets the eye,
overpowering the mind with the wild profusion of its beauty. Nature
seems to revel in a wealth of verdure. Palms, bananas, and trees
innumerable of every graceful form tower upwards to the unclouded sky,
or arch over the flower-garnished earth. The trunk of each is invisible;
for creeping plants of the most delicate growth entwine around the wood,
hang in loops from the boughs, connect tree to tree with a lace-work of
exquisite elegance and sun-dyed brilliancy, and sway in wreaths of
natural arabesque to and fro in the fragrant, moist, and enervating air.
The station lies back from the road, and, if I remember rightly, is
thatched with palm leaves. As I alighted at it, groups of native
New-Grenadians clustered around me, the younger ones being almost in a
state of nudity. Some offered me oranges, some bananas, some milk in a
green-glass bottle, and one of them wished me to buy a monkey. Pushing
through them, I made my way for the station, the sultry atmosphere
having rendered me languid and a gentle stimulus being desirable. I
expected to find the refreshment department in the care of a native, or,
at any rate, of a Spaniard; but the ubiquitous Yankee was master of the
premises, and a forlorn ague-stricken, quinine-and-calomel-looking
master he seemed to be. His whiskey was something not to be forgotten;
nor were his dogs, half a dozen of which were running about the place,
the greatest burlesques of the race canine I had hitherto seen. They
were all lean, hungry, and wolfish-eyed. Their tails drooped mournfully,
as if the seething heat had melted the sinews and softened the bones;
they whined peevishly, but bark there was none--their owner required it
all to keep the ague away. I had drunk my whiskey, become Christian in
my feelings, and was silently pitying the poor animals, when the
proprietor of the miserable dog-flesh, stationing himself beside me, and
placing his hands on his hips, sententiously observed,--
“Them critturs are the pride of the Isthmus. They’re a pair of the most
elegant puppies in this State. Nary one of ’em would flunk out before
any dog.”
“They look very cowardly about the tail,” I remarked.
“That’s the way of dogs’ tails on the Isthmus,” was his response. “Do
you know what _Josh Billings_ says about dogs’ tails?”
I frankly confessed that I did not; adding, that I was profoundly
ignorant of _Josh Billings_, and pleasantly intimating that I supposed
him to be one of the guards on the line.
“I guess you haven’t read the papers lately,” continued my new
acquaintance, as though pitying my ignorance. “_Josh Billings_ knows
that there are some dogs’ tails which can’t be got to curl no ways, and
some which will, and you can’t stop ’em. He says, that if you bathe a
curly-tailed dog’s tail in oil and bind it in splints, you cannot get
the crook out of it; and _Josh_, who says a sight of good things, says
that a man’s way of thinking is the crook in the dog’s tail, and can’t
be got out, and that every one should be allowed to wag his own
peculiarity in peace.”
That my Yankee acquaintance was partial to _Josh Billings_, and that
anything which related to dogs was congenial with his tastes, I
furthermore ascertained by noticing two scraps of paper posted on the
rough wall of his cabin. I copied both. One was in prose and the other
in rhyme. Here is the prose one:--
DOGS.
“Dogs are not vagabones bi choise and luv tew belong tu sumbody. This
fac endears them tew us, and i have alwas rated the dog az about the
seventh cusin tew the human specious. Tha kant talk but tha can lik yure
hand; this shows that their hearts iz in the plase where other folks’
tungs is.--JOSH BILLINGS.”
Thus it was that I first heard of _Josh Billings_. In the course of my
voyage from Aspinwall to New York, while seated on the deck of the
steamer, listening to the drolleries of a group of very convivial
passengers, and gliding along the coast of Cuba in the brightness,
sheen, and splendor of a tropical night, I heard many of his best things
recited, and his name frequently quoted as that of one who had already
taken his place in American literature. Oliver Wendell Holmes I had
known for years, Artemus Ward was a household name in California, James
Russell Lowell had become a familiar acquaintance through the “Biglow
Papers;” but who was _Josh Billings_? I asked my _compagnons de voyage_,
but all they knew of him was that he was a very clever fellow who had
written some very clever things. Whether he lived in New York State,
Pennsylvania, Vermont, or Missouri, no one could tell me, nor could I
get any satisfactory information as to the journal in which his articles
had first appeared, what his antecedents were, or whether the name
attached to his writings was that of his parentage and christening, or
merely a whimsical _nomme de plume_.
Long after my arrival in New York the mystery remained unsolved. I
applied to literary friends for its solution, but all they seemed to
know was that various smart things had run the round of the papers with
the signature of “_Josh Billings_” to them, but in what paper they had
originated or by whom they were written none could give me information.
My friend George Arnold, a well-known wit of the _New York Leader_, knew
of my anxiety. Meeting me one day at Crook and Duff’s Restaurant, the
mid-day rallying point of most of the genial spirits of New York, he
drew me aside and gravely asked--
“Have you found out yet who _Josh Billings_ is?”
“I have not,” I answered. “Do you know?”
“Yes; but keep it dark. Only five of his friends have been let into the
secret. It would not do to let the world know. His position would be
damaged.”
“Who is it?” I demanded eagerly. “Is it Hosea Biglow under a new name?”
“No; somebody better known.”
“Horace Greeley?” I suggested, interrogatively.
“No. A still greater man. Can’t you guess?”
“Really, I cannot. Don’t keep me in suspense. Tell me.”
“The author is ----” and my friend paused--“the author of _Josh
Billings_ is none other than--President Lincoln!”
My informant made the communication so gravely, that for the moment I
believed it; especially as some few days previous, being down in
Washington, I had occasion to know that Barney Williams, the actor, was
summoned to the White House on a Sunday afternoon, that he spent some
hours with the President, and that on his return in the evening to
Willard’s Hotel he assured me that the President had beaten him in
telling funny stories, and had said the drollest things he had heard for
many a day. That my information was nothing more than a hoax the reader
will readily suppose; but I felt bound to “pass it on” to my
acquaintances, with a like injunction to secresy, until at length I had
the amusement of hearing that it had reached the ears of Mr. Lincoln,
who laughed heartily at the joke, and pleasantly observed that his
shoulders were hardly broad enough to bear the burdens of the State,
without having to carry the sins of all its wits and jesters.
Time passed on and business called me to take a trip one day up the
Hudson River to the pleasant little town of Poughkeepsie. What a quiet,
charming little town it is, those who have visited it can well remember.
I selected the steamer _Armenian_ for my trip up the river. The Rhine of
America never was seen to more advantage than it was on that bright
summer’s day, and Poughkeepsie never looked fairer than as I saw it from
the middle of the stream. I landed at a town on the left bank, crossed
the river, went down to Poughkeepsie by rail, and arrived there late in
the evening, I knew of only two staple products of the place, and they
were--whiskey and spiritualism. The whiskey I tasted, and the
spiritualism I went in search of in the person of Andrew Jackson Davis,
the Swedenborg of the United States, whose books on the unseen world
have been introduced to the British public by Mr. Howitt. A kindly
Poughkeepsian volunteered to conduct me to where the great mysticist had
lived; but I found, to my disappointment, that he was then absent from
the town. To console me for my ill-luck, in not being able to see so
great a celebrity, my guide soothingly observed that there was another
great writer resident in and belonging to Poughkeepsie.
“Who is he?” I asked.
“Why, _Josh Billings_!” was the reply.
Eureka! I had found him. I had unearthed my game at last and discovered
my eremite in his mystic seclusion. I lost no time in inquiring who
_Josh Billings_ was and where he lived.
“His name is Shaw--Henry W. Shaw. He’s an auctioneer, and I’ll show you
the way to his house,” volunteered my friendly guide.
We went to the house; but like Mr. Davis, Mr. Shaw was not at home. All
that I could then learn about him was that he belonged to Poughkeepsie,
that he had been _the_ Auctioneer of the town for many years, that he
was by no means a young man, that his address for the general public was
“Box 467” at the Post-office, that he was a very business-like person,
and that he wrote articles for the newspapers, as well as sold property
by auction and acted as agent for the transfer of real estate. The
reader will therefore fully comprehend how much Mr. Shaw felt himself to
be in his element while writing the chapter headed “Advertizement,” in
which he offers
“To sell for eighteen hundred and thirty-nine dollars a pallas, a sweet
and pensive retirement, lokated on the virgin banks of the Hudson river,
kontaining 85 acres. Walls ov primitiff rock, laid in Roman cement,
bound the estate, while upward and downward, the eye catches far away,
the magesta and slow grander ov the Hudson. As the young moon hangs like
a cutting of silver from the blue brest of the ski, an angel may be seen
each night dansing with golden tiptoes on the green. (N. B. The angel
goes with the place).”
Better fortune led me at last to meet Mr. Shaw in New York City. We were
introduced to one another at Artemus Ward’s Mormon entertainment on
Broadway. I found a man rather above the middle height, sparse in build,
sharp in features, his long hair slightly turning gray, and his age
between forty and fifty, reserved in manner, a rustic, unpolished
demeanor, and looking more like a country farmer than a genial man of
letters or a professed wit and a public lecturer on playful subjects. I
can vouch for his geniality, for, on the evening of our first meeting,
we adjourned from Dodworth Hall to the St. Denis Hotel opposite, and, in
the company of a few friends, spent a mirthful hour or two. The night
was bitter cold; but warm sherry, excellent Bourbon, and jovial spirits
made the bleak wind which whistled up Broadway from the Bay, as
melodious as the music of lutes.
Mr. Shaw informed me that he was born in the State of Massachusetts,
town of Lanesboro, county of Berkshire, and came from Puritan stock. He
said that his father and grandfather both had been members of Congress,
and each one had left so pure a political record, that he himself had
never dared to enter the arena of politics. His first literary efforts
in the comic line were published in the country papers of New York
State; many of them first attracted attention in the columns of the
_Poughkeepsie Daily Press_. In America a popular author has much more
scope for gaining publicity and popularity than he has in England. The
newspapers of the Union are always ready to receive pithy paragraphs
from clever men, and to attach the authors’ name to them. The great
secret of the popularity of _Artemus Ward_ and of _Josh Billings_ is
simply that which the late Albert Smith of England so well understood
years ago, never to publish any article, however trivial or lengthy,
without the signature or the initials of the writer to it. A smart,
terse, pungent paragraph inserted with the author’s real or assumed name
attached, in one of the journals of the United States, soon finds its
way from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and from the Gulf of St. Lawrence
to the Gulf of Mexico. With comparatively little trouble, except to
worry his brains for comic ideas--no slight trouble, nevertheless--the
wit of the Western world soon gains notoriety, if not fame. His racy
article of a few lines is copied into paper after paper, until his name
becomes familiar in all the cities of the Union. This accomplished, a
new field of enterprise opens up. Some speculative man in New York or
Boston thinks what a good and profitable enterprise it would be to
engage the funny man whose printed jokes circulate everywhere, engage to
give him so much per month for a year or two, have some large woodcuts
engraved, some showy posters struck off, some smart advertisements
written, halls taken throughout the country, and the man of many jokes
made to retail them all over the land at an admission fee varying from
one dollar down to twenty-five cents. Only a few years ago the business
of joking in public--the joker himself appearing before the
audience--was pretty well confined to the clown of the circus and the
“middle-man” and “end-man” of the negro minstrel troupe. Things change
rapidly across the Atlantic, and at the present day the clown in motley
and the minstrel in burnt-cork have their vocation superseded by the
facetious lecturer, dressed in evening costume, travelling with gaudy
show-bills, and having a literary as well as an oratorical reputation.
Not a single writer on “Punch” or “Fun,” if he had been trained in
America and had written there, but would have thrown the desk aside for
the rostrum long ago. Simply to write is not excitement enough for your
ardent American, if he can enjoy the applause of an audience, and make
dollars at the same time, merely by being the mouthpiece of his own
jokes.
Bowing to the fate of nearly all comic men in his native country, Mr.
Shaw was ferreted out in his Poughkeepsie home, and urgently solicited
to accept an engagement as a public lecturer. He tried the experiment in
the Athenæums and Lyceums of his own State, and succeeding, followed up
his new calling until now he is recognized as an established,
legitimate, and lucrative “show,” having his proper value in the market,
and is assigned status on the rostrum. He travels over the United States
with his Lectures, entitled, “_Hobby Horse_”--“_Specimen
Brix_”--“_Sandwiches_”--“_What I kno about Hotels_”--etc., and is making
money more rapidly than ever he did with the hammer of an auctioneer.
Many good stories are told of him. One is that being in Washington, and
asked by a politician there relative to his opinion of Thaddeus Stevens,
of Pennsylvania, who opposed President Johnson so hotly in the
Government, and who figured as a thoroughly ultra-radical, Mr. Shaw
replied, “Give me leave to recite a little dream I had last night. I
fancied that I was in the lower regions, and while engaged in
conversation with the proprietor, an imp announced that Thad Stevens was
at the door desiring admission. Old Nick promptly and emphatically
refused him entrance on the ground that he would be continually
disturbing the peace and order of the place. The imp soon returned,
saying that Thaddeus insisted on coming in, declaring that he had no
other place to go to. After much deliberation, Old Nick’s face suddenly
brightened with a new idea, and he exclaimed, ‘I’ve got it. Tell the
Janitor to give him six bushels of brimstone and a box of matches, and
let him go and start a little place of his own.’”
Having described who _Josh Billings_ is, it may be fitting to add a few
words relative to his writings and their position in the comic
literature of America. Fun is indigenous to the soil, it wells up from
the Western prairie, sparkles in the foam of Niagara, springs up in the
cotton-fields of the South, and oozes out from the paving-stones of the
cities of the North. The people of the United States are fun-loving and
fun-makers. Of the peculiar character of the fun a word or two may be
written presently. There is always some popular man wearing the cap and
bells, and reflecting the humor of his land. At one period the author,
whom all the papers quote, is Sam Slick, Doesticks, then John Phœnix,
then Major Downing, then Artemus Ward, then Orpheus C. Kerr, and then
Josh Billings. As fast as one resigns the position, another takes his
place--“_Uno avulso non deficit alter_.” During the war, joking went on
at a faster pace than ever, and even those who did not esteem President
Lincoln for his patriotism valued him immensely for his jokes. The
jingle of the bells in the hand of Momus and the clank of the sabre
attached to the waist of the modern sons of Mars, were ever mingled
throughout the long and fiercely-contested conflict.
Take a little of Martin Farquhar Tupper, and a little of Artemus Ward,
knead them together, and you may make something which approaches to a
_Josh Billings_. That Mr. Shaw aspires to be a comic Tupper is evidenced
in the various chapters headed “Proverbs,” “Remarks,” “Sayins,” and
“Afferisims.” That he has had Artemus Ward before him is demonstrable by
comparing the chapter in which “_Josh Billings Insures his Life_,” with
Artemus Ward’s celebrated paper, entitled “His Autobiography.”[*] But
Artemus is great in telling a story, having an imaginative power to
conceive an accident, plan the action of a piece of drollery, invent an
odd character, and describe his creation with infinite humor and force.
The talent of Mr. Shaw is of another kind. He is aphoristically comic,
if I may use the phrase. He delights in being ludicrously
sententious--in Tupperizing laughingly, and in causing an old adage to
appear a new one through the fantastic manner in which it is dished up.
He is the comic essayist of America, rather than her comic story-teller.
* “Artemus Ward, His Book,” p. 316.
His first book was issued May 19, 1866, in New York, by George W.
Carleton, the publisher of Artemus Ward’s Works, and was entitled “Josh
Billings, His Book.” This volume had a large sale, and was followed in
July, 1868, by a new work entitled “Josh Billings on Ice.” But his
greatest success, in a literary line, was the publication of
JOSH BILLINGS’ FARMER’S ALLMINAX,
of which the _New York Tribune_, in 1875, says:--
“Several years ago Mr. Carleton, the publisher was seized with the
belief that a burlesque of the popular almanac, such as the “Old
Farmers’ Almanac,” to which New England pinned its meteorological faith,
would be remunerative. He suggested the idea first to “Artemus Ward,”
afterwards to “Orpheus C. Kerr,” and next to “Doesticks,” but none of
them thought favorably of it. An arrangement was at last made with “Josh
Billings,” and so the “Allminax” came about. Nearly 150,000 copies were
sold the first year, 1870, and almost as many since, and though the
retail price is only a quarter of a dollar, Mr. Shaw is said to have
received nearly $5,000 the first year, and over $30,000 in all.”
It has been said of _Josh Billings_ by one of the critics of his own
land that “His wit has no edge to betray a malicious motive; but is
rather a Feejee club, grotesquely carved and painted, that makes those
who feel it grin while they wince. All whom he kills die with a smile
upon their faces.” In directing his shafts against humbug, pretension,
and falsity he worthily carries out the true vocation of the comic
writer. Many authors there are who write funnily merely to amuse. There
is always a higher purpose peeping out from among the quaint fancies and
odd expressions of _Josh Billings_. Just inasmuch as America is prolific
of humorists and satirists, does she require them. The bane and the
antidote grow in the same garden.
Were it not for the satirists of America--of whom _Josh Billings_ is one
as well as a humorist--it is difficult to imagine to what ludicrous
eccentricities the people would lend themselves. Too self-sufficient to
listen to argument, they are keenly sensitive to ridicule, and a little
of _Josh Billings_ is more effective in doing good than the best sermon
a foreign friend could preach them. Burlesque their salient, amiable
weaknesses--that is, let them be burlesqued by one of their own people,
not by a foreigner--and they at once see the point of the joke. In
illustration of this, there was a paper in Cincinnati which was very
much given to use the phrase, “this great country,” and carried the use
of it to an unwarrantable extent. It ceased to do so when the following
appeared in a neighboring journal:--
“This is a glorious country! It has longer rivers and more of them, and
they are muddier and deeper, and run faster, and rise higher, and make
more noise, and fall lower, and do more damage than anybody else’s
rivers. It has more lakes, and they are bigger and deeper, and clearer,
and wetter than those of any other country. Our rail-cars are bigger,
and run faster, and pitch off the track oftener, and kill more people
than all other rail-cars in this and every other country. Our steamboats
carry bigger loads, are longer and broader, burst their boilers oftener,
and send up their passengers higher, and the captains swear harder than
steamboat captains in any other country. Our men are bigger, and longer,
and thicker, can fight harder and faster, drink more mean whiskey, chew
more bad tobacco, and spit more, and spit further than in any other
country. Our ladies are richer, prettier, dress finer, spend more money,
break more hearts, wear bigger hoops, shorter dresses, and kick up the
devil generally to a greater extent than all other ladies in all other
countries. Our children squall louder, grow faster, get too expansive
for their pantaloons, and become twenty years old sooner by some months
than any other children of any other country on the earth.”
Burlesques, such as the above, whether written by Artemus Ward or _Josh
Billings_, have not been without their good effect in the United States.
The genius of “hifaluten” as the Americans call it--the word is derived,
I believe, from “hyphen-looping”--has received many mortal wounds lately
from the hands of the satirists and good results have ensued.
The writings of _Josh Billings_ cannot be read with out exciting mirth,
without sometimes hitting home, nor without the reader becoming
satisfied that America has added to her humorous authors one in every
way well qualified to take foremost rank.
For real side-shaking fun, the reader may turn to many pages of this
volume and find a copious supply; but, if he is desirous of humor and
pathos allied, let him turn to the chapter on “The Fust Baby,” page 383.
He will there find that, underlying the caustic wit of _Josh Billings_,
and a stratum or two deeper than his quaint fun, is a quiet layer of
genuine feeling capable of comprehending and of originating the power to
express the very poetry of pathos. The “fust baby” born “on the wrong
side of the garden ov Eden” is invested in this humorous essay with all
the interest which babyhood is susceptible of acquiring.
There is little that remains to be said relative to Mr. Shaw, except to
express the opinion that he has taken a very worthy position among the
authors of his own country, and is likely to become a general favorite
in England in his character of “_Josh Billings_.” Some of his latest
papers were contributed to the _New York Saturday Press_, under the head
of “Cooings and Billings,” with a commendatory notice by the editor of
that paper, Henry Clapp, jun., whose name is not altogether unknown to
the literary men of London and of Paris.
{ESSAYS.}
KONTENTMENT.
Kontentment is the gift ov God, as it kan be cultivated a little, but it
is hard tew acquire. Kontentment is sed to be the same az happiness,
this ackounts for the small amount ov happiness laying around loose,
without enny owner. I don’t beleave that man was made tew be kontented,
nor happy in this world, for if he had bin, he wouldn’t hav hankered
enuff for the other world.
When a man gits perfektly kontented, he and a clam are fust couzins.
Contentment iz a kind ov moral laziness; if thare want ennything but
kontentment in this world, man wouldn’t be any more of a suckcess than
an angleworm iz.
When a man gits so he don’t want ennything more, he iz like a rackcoon
with his intestines full ov green corn.
Contentment iz one ov the instinkts, i admit it tew be happiness, but it
iz kind ov spruce gum chawing happiness.
We all find fault with Adam and Eve, for not being kontented, but if
they had bin satisfied with the gardin ov Eden, and themselfs, they
would hav been living thare now, the only two human beings on the face
ov the arth, az innocent as a couple of vegetable oysters.
They would hav bin two splendid specimens ov the handy work ov God,
elegant portraits in the vestibule ov heaven, but they would not hav
developed reazon, the only God-like attribute in man.
When a man iz thoroly kontented, he iz either too lazy to want
ennything, or too big a phool tew enjoy it.
I hav lived in naberhoods whare everyboddy seemed to be kontented, but
if the itch had ever broke out in them naberhoods, the people would have
skratched to this day.
[Illustration: PERFEKTLY SATISFIED.]
I am in favor of all the vanitys, and petty ambishuns, all the jealousys
and backbitings in the world, not bekauze i think they am hansome, but
bekauze I think they stir up men, and wimmin, git them onto their
muscle, cultivating their venom and reazon at the same time, and proving
what a brilliant cuss man may be, at the same time that it proves what a
miserable cuss he iz.
I had rather see two wimmin pull hair, than tew see them set down,
thoroughly satisfied with an aimless life, and never suffer eney
excitement, greater than bleeding tears together, through their noze,
for a parcel of shirtless heathen on the coast ov Madagaskar, or, once
in a while, open their eyes, from a dream ov young hyson contentment
tea, tew sarch the allmiknak, for the next change in the moon.
Contentment, in this age of the world, either means death, or dekay, in
the days ov Abraham, contentment was simply ignorance.
The world iz now full ov larning, the arts, and sciences, and all the
thousand appliances ov reazon, these things make ignorance the
exception, and no man haz a right tew cultivate contentment, enny more
than he haz tew cut oph hiz thum, and set quietly down, and nuss the
stub.
Show me a thoroughly contented person, and i will show yu an useless
one.
What we want iz folks who won’t be kontented, who kant be kontented, who
git up in the morning, not simply to hav their bed made, but for the
sake ov gitting tired; not for the sake ov nourishing kontentment, but
for the sake ov putting turpentine in sum ded place, and stiring up the
animals.
Contentment was born with Adam, and died when Adam ceased tew be an
angel, and bekum a man.
I don’t say that a man couldn’t be hatched out, and, like a young owl,
set on a dri limb, awl hiz days, with hiz branes az fasst asleep az a
mudturkles, and at last sneak into heaven, under the guize of
kontentment, but i do say, that 10 generashuns ov sich men would run
most of the human race into the ground, and leave the ballance az
lifeless, and az base, as a currency made out ov puter ten cent pieces.
I would like jist az well az the next man, tew crawl into a hole, that
jist fitted me, hed fust, and thus shutting out all the light, be
contented, for i know how awfully unsothening the aims, and ambishuns ov
life are, but this would only be burying mi few tallents, and
sacrificing on the ded alter ov kontentment, what war given me, to make
a fire or a smudge with.
Thare aint no sich thing as contentment and reazon existing together;
thoze who slip out ov the crowd, into sum alley, and pretend they are
chawing the cud of sweet kontentment, the verry best specimens ov them,
are no better than pin cushions, stuck full.
They have jist az menny longings az ennybody, they have jist az menny
vices, their virtews are too often simply a mixtur ov jealousy and
cowardice.
Contentment is not desighned, as a stiddy bizziness, for the sons ov
man, while on this arth.
A yeller dogg, with a tin kittle tew his tale, climbing a hill, at a
three minit gate iz a more reazonable spektacle for me, than a slimy
snail, contented and happy.
MARRIAGE.
Marriage iz a fair transaction on the face ov it.
But thare iz quite too often put up jobs in it.
It iz an old institushun, older than the pyramids, and az phull ov
hyrogliphicks that noboddy kan parse.
History holds its tounge who the pair waz who fust put on the silken
harness, and promised tew work kind in it, thru thick and thin, up hill
and down, and on the level, rain or shine, survive or perish, sink or
swim, drown or flote.
But whoever they waz they must hav made a good thing out ov it, or so
menny ov their posterity would not hav harnessed up since and drov out.
Thare iz a grate moral grip in marriage; it iz the mortar that holds the
soshull bricks together.
But there ain’t but darn few pholks who put their money in matrimony who
could set down and giv a good written opinyun whi on arth they cum to
did it.
This iz a grate proof that it iz one ov them natral kind ov acksidents
that must happen, jist az birds fly out ov the nest, when they hav
feathers enuff, without being able tew tell why.
Sum marry for buty, and never diskover their mistake; this iz lucky.
Sum marry for money, and--don’t see it.
Sum marry for pedigree, and feel big for six months, and then very
sensibly cum tew the conclusion that pedigree ain’t no better than
skimmilk.
Sum marry tew pleze their relashuns, and are surprized tew learn that
their relashuns don’t care a cuss for them afterwards.
Sum marry bekauze they hav bin highsted sum whare else; this iz a cross
match, a bay and a sorrel; pride may make it endurable.
Sum marry for love without a cent in their pocket, nor a friend in the
world, nor a drop ov pedigree. This looks desperate, _but it iz the
strength ov the game_.
If marrying for love ain’t a suckcess, then matrimony iz a ded beet.
Sum marry bekauze they think wimmin will be skarse next year, and liv
tew wonder how the crop holds out.
Sum marry tew git rid ov themselfs, and diskover that the game waz one
that two could play at, and neither win.
Sum marry the seckond time to git even, and find it a gambling game, the
more they put down, the less they take up.
Sum marry tew be happy, and not finding it, wonder whare all the
happiness on earth goes to when it dies.
Sum marry, they kan’t tell whi, and liv, they kan’t tell how.
Almoste every boddy gits married, and it iz a good joke.
Sum marry in haste, and then set down and think it careful over.
Sum think it over careful fust, and then set down and marry.
Both ways are right, if they hit the mark.
Sum marry rakes tew convert them. This iz a little risky, and takes a
smart missionary to do it.
Sum marry coquetts. This iz like buying a poor farm, heavily mortgaged,
and working the ballance ov yure days tew clear oph the mortgages.
Married life haz its chances, and this iz just what gives it its
flavour. Every body luvs tew phool with the chances, bekauze every boddy
expekts tew win. But i am authorized tew state that every boddy don’t
win.
But, after all, married life iz full az certain az the dry goods
bizziness.
No man kan swear exackly whare he will fetch up when he touches calico.
Kno man kan tell jist what calico haz made up its mind tew do next.
Calico don’t kno even herself.
Dri goods ov all kinds iz the child ov circumstansis.
Sum never marry, but this iz jist az risky, the diseaze iz the same,
with no other name to it.
The man who stands on the bank shivvering, and dassent, iz more apt tew
ketch cold, than him who pitches hiz hed fust into the river.
Thare iz but phew who never marry bekauze they _won’t_ they all hanker,
and most ov them starve with slices ov bread before them (spread on both
sides), jist for the lack ov grit.
_Marry yung!_ iz mi motto.
I hav tried it, and kno what i am talkin about.
If enny boddy asks yu whi yu got married, (if it needs be), tell him,
_yu don’t reccollekt_.
Marriage iz a safe way to gamble--if yu win, yu win a pile, and if yu
loze, yu don’t loze enny thing, only the privilege ov living dismally
alone, and soaking yure own feet.
I repeat it, in italicks, _marry young!_
Thare iz but one good excuse for a marriage late in life, and that
iz--_a second marriage_.
FASHION’S PRAYER.
Kind Fortune may thi mersys endure forever; smile thou out ov thi loving
eyes upon this fine bust ov mine.
Strengthen mi husband, and may hiz faith and hiz money hold out to the
last.
Draw the lamb’s wool ov unsuspicious twilight over hiz eyes, that mi
flirtashuns may look to him like viktorys, and that mi bills may
strengthen hiz pride in me.
Bless, oh! Fortune, mi crimps, rats, and frizzles, and let thi glory
shine upon mi paint and powder.
When i walk out before the gaze ov vulgar man, regulate mi wiggle, and
add nu grace tew mi gaiters.
Bless all dri goods klerks, milliners, manty-makers and hair-frizzers,
and give immortality to Lubin and hiz heirs, and assighns forever.
Lead me bi the side ov colone waters, and fatten mi calves upon the bran
ov thi love.
Blister, oh! Fortune, with the heat ov thi wrath, the man who treds upon
the trail ov my garments.
Take mi two children oph from mi hands, for they bother me, and take
them to be thi children, and bring them up to suit thiself.
When i bow miself in worship, grant that i may do it with ravishing
elegance, and perserve unto the last the lily-white ov mi flesh, and the
taper ov mi fingers.
Smile thou graciously, oh! Fortune, upon mi nu silk dress, now in the
hands of the manty-maker, and may it fit me all over like unto, as the
ducks foot fitteth the mud.
Destroy mine enemys with the gaul ov jealousy, and eat thou up with the
teeth ov envy, all thoze who gaze at mi style.
Save me from wrinkles, and foster mi plumpness.
Fill both mi eyes, oh! Fortune, with the plaintive pizon ov infatuashun,
that i may lay out mi viktims, the men as knumb-images graven.
Let the lily, and the roze, strive together in mi cheek, and may mi nek
swim like a goose on the buzzum ov krystal waters.
Enable me, oh Fortune, to wear shoes still a little smaller, and save me
from all korns, and bunyons.
Bless Fanny mi lap dog, and rain down bezom ov destruckshun upon thoze
who would hurt a hair ov Hektor mi kitten.
Remove far from me all the wails of the sorrowful, and shield mi
sensitiff natur from the klamours ov the widder.
[Illustration]
Shed the light ov thi countenance on mi kammel’s hair shawl, and mi
necklace ov dimonds, I beseech thee.
Enable the poor to shirk for themselfs, and save me from all missionary
beggars.
I hav always ben a friend to thee, oh Fortune, therefore bless me for
ever, and ever.
THE BIZZY BODY.
I don’t mean the industrious man, intent, and constant in the way of
duty, but he who, like a hen, tired ov setting, cums clucking oph from
the nest in a grate hurry, and full ov sputter, az fat spilt on the
fire; scratching a little here, and suddenly a little thare; chuck full
ov small things, like a ritch cheeze; up and down the streets, wagging
around evry boddy, like a lorst dorg; in and out like a long-tailed
mouse; az full ov bizzness az a pissmire, just before a hard shower;
more questions tew ask than a prosekuting attorney; az fat with
pertikulars, az an inditement for hog stealing; as knowing az a tin
weathercock.
This breed ov folks do a small bizznes on a big capital, they alwus know
all the sekrets within ten miles, that aint worth keeping, they are a
bundle of faggot fakts, and kan tell which sow in the neighborhood haz
got the most pigs, and what Squire Benson got for marrying hiz last
couple.
All ov this iz the result ov not knowing how to use a few brains to
advantage, if they only knew a little less they would be fools, and a
little more would enable them to tend a fresh lettered gideboard, with
credit to themselfs, and not confusion to the travellers.
The Bizzy Body iz az full ov leizure az a yearling heifer, hiz time,
(nor noboddy else’s) aint worth nothing to him, he will button hole an
auctioneer on the block, or a minister in the pulpit, and wouldn’t
hesitate tew stop a phuneral procession to ask what the corpse died of.
They are az familiar with every boddy az a cockroach, but are no more
use to you, az a friend, than a sucked orange.
Theze bizzy people are of awl genders--maskuline, feminine and nuter,
and sumtimes are old maids, and then are az necessary in a community as
dried herbs in the garret.
One bizzy old maid, who enjoys her vittles, and dont keep a lot ov tame
kats for stiddy employment, is worth more than a daily paper; she iz
better than the “Cook’s Own Book,” or a volume of household receipts,
and works harder and makes more trips every day than a railroad hoss on
the Third avenue cars.
The bizzybody iz generally az free from malice az a fly; he lights on
you only for a roost, but iz always az unprofitable to know, or to hav
ennything to do with, az a jewelry peddlar.
Thare are sum ov the bizzy folks who are like the hornets--never bizzy
only with their stings. Theze are vipers, and are to be feared, not
trifled with; but my bizzybody has no gaul in his liver; his whole
karackter iz his face, and he iz as eazy to inventory az the baggage of
a traveling colporter.
They are a cheerful, moderately virtuous, extremely patient, modestly
impudent, ginger-pop set ov vagrants, who have got more leggs than
brains, and whose really greatest sin iz not their waste ov facultys,
but waste ov time. But time, to one ov theze fellows, flies as
unconscious az it duz tew a tin watch in a toy shop window.
They are welcomed, not bekauze they are necessary, but bekauze they aint
feared, and are soon dropt, like peanut shells, on the floor.
Thare iz no radikal cure for the bizzybody, no more than thare iz for
the fleas in a long-haired dogg--if yu git rid ov the fleas yu hav got
the dogg left, and if yu git rid ov the dogg yu hav got the fleas left,
and so, whare are you?
Bizzyness and bissness are two diffrent things, altho they pronounce out
loud similar.
But after all i don’t want tew git shut ov the Bizzy people; they are a
noosanse for a small amount, but sumboddy haz got to be a noosanse, and
being aktive about nothing, and energetically lazy, iz no doubt a
virtuous dodge, but iz 10 per cent better than counterfitting, or even
the grand larceny bizziness. Thare iz one thing about them, they are
seldum deceitful, they trade on a floating capital, and only deal in
second-hand articles; they haint got the tallent to invent, they seldum
lie, bekauze their bizziness don’t require it; thare iz stale truth
enuff lieing around loose for their purpose.
Don’t trust them only with what you want to have scattered, they will
find a ready market for every thing that a prudent man would hesitate
tew offer, and they always suppoze they are learned, for they mistake
rumors, skandals, and gossip for wisdum.
It iz a sad sight to see a whole life being swopped off for the glory of
telling what good people don’t love to hear, and what viscious ones only
value for the malice it contains. I should rather be the keeper ov a rat
pit, or ketch kats for a shilling a head to feed an anaconda with.
FASTIDIOUSNESS.
Fastidiousness iz merely the ignorance ov propriety. I hav saw people
who had rather die and be buried than say _bull_. They wouldn’t hesitate
tew say _male cow_. If the thoughts are pure and the language iz chaste,
it will do tew say almoste ennything.
[Illustration: FASTIDIOUSNESS.]
The young lady who, a fu years ago, refused tew walk akrost a potato
field, bekauze the potatoze had eyes, ran away from home, soon
afterwards, with a jewelry pedlar.
Fastidiousness, az a general thing iz a holyday virtew, and i hav
frequently notissed that thoze individuals who are alwus afrade they
shal cum akrost sumthing hily improper, are generally looking for it.
Fastidiousness and delikasy are often konfounded, but thare iz this
difference--the truly delikate aint afrade tew take holt ov things that
they are willing tew touch at all with their naked hands, while the
fastidious are willing tew take holt ov enny thing with gloves on.
Delikasy iz the coquetry ov truth; fastidiousness iz the prudery ov
falsehood.
LOVE.
Love iz one ov the pashuns, and the most diffikult one ov all tew
deskribe.
I never yet hav herd love well defined.
I hav read several deskripshuns ov it, but they were written by thoze
who were in love, (or thought they waz), and i wouldn’t beleave such
testimony, not even under oath.
Almoste every boddy, sum time in their life, haz bin in love, and if
they think it iz an eazy sensashun tew deskribe, let them set down and
deskribe it, and see if the person who listens tew the deskripshun will
be satisfied with it.
I waz in love once miself for 7 long years, and mi friends all sed i had
a consupshun, but i knu all the time what ailed me, but couldn’t
deskribe it.
Now all that i kan rekolekt about this luv sikness iz, that for thoze 7
long years i waz, if enny thing, rather more ov a kondem phool than
ordinary.
Love iz an honorabel disseaze enuff tew hav, bekauze it iz natral; but
enny phellow who haz laid sik with it for 7 long years, after he gits
over it, feels sumthing like the phellow who haz phell down on the ice
when it iz verry wet--he dont feel like talking about it before folks.
FEAR.
Sum pholks think fear iz the result ov edukashun, but i dont.
I notiss that thoze who are edukated the most, and thoze who are
edukated the least, are troubled with fear just alike.
Fear and courage are instinkts.
A man who iz a koward iz born so, and, when he iz full ov skare, hiz
hare on hiz hed will git up on end, I dont kare how mutch edukashun yu
pile on top ov it.
The gratest kowards in the world are the men ov the most genius--they
are the most silly kowards.
One ov theze kind ov men will quake with fear when a mouse knaws in the
wainskote at night, but they will face an earthquake next day with
composure.
I dont kno ov a more terrible sensashun than fear; it iz deth when it
exhausts itself and ends in despair.
I am a grate koward miself, and beleave i waz born so, and yet thare is
nothing which i despize so mutch as kowardice.
I would give all the other virtews i hav got (provided i hav got enny),
and throw in a hundred dollars in munny besides, for an unlimited supply
ov courage.
I would like tew hav courage enuff tew face the devil himself, if he waz
the least bit sassy tew to me.
I am satisfied that courage iz an instinkt, for i notiss all the animal
kreashun hav it well defined.
BUTY.
Buty iz a very handy thing tew hav, espeshily for a woman who aint
hansum.
Thare iz not mutch ov enny thing more diffikult tew define than buty.
It iz a blessed thing that there ain’t no rules for it, for the way it
iz now, every man gits a hansum woman for a wife.
Thare iz grate power in female buty; its viktorys reach klear from the
Garden ov Eden down to yesterday.
Adam waz the fust man that saw a butiful woman, and waz the fust man tew
acknowledge it.
But beauty in itself iz but a very short-lived viktory--a mere
perspektive to the background.
Thare aint noboddy but a butterfly kan liv on buty, and git phatt.
When buty and good sense jine each other, yu hav got a mixtur that will
stand both wet and dry weather.
I hav never seen a woman with good sense but what had buty enuff tew
make herself hily agreeable; but i hav seen 3 or 4 wimmin in mi day who
hadn’t sense enuff tew make a good deal ov buty the least bit charming.
But, az i sed before, thare ain’t no posatiff rule for buty, and i am
dredful glad ov it, for every boddy would be after that rule, and
sumboddy wouldn’t git enny rule, besides running a grate risk ov gitting
jammed in the rush.
Man buty iz a awful weak komplaint--it iz wuss, if possible, than the
nosegay disseaze.
If there iz sitch a thing az a butiful man on earth, he haz mi simpathy.
Even mithology had but one Adonis, and the only accomplishment he had
waz tew blatt like a lamb.
FAITH.
Faith iz the rite bower ov Hope.
If it want for faith, thare would be no living in this world. We
couldn’t even eat hash with enny safety, if it want for faith.
Human knowledge is very short, and don’t reach but a little ways, and
even that little ways iz twilite; but faith lengthens out the road, and
makes it light, so that we kan see tew read the letterings on the mile
stuns.
Faith haz won more viktorys than all the other pashuns or sentiments ov
the heart and hed put together.
Faith iz one ov them warriors who dont kno when she iz whipped.
But Faith iz no milksop, but a live fighter. She dont set down and gro
stupid with resignashun, and git weak with the buty ov her attributes;
but she iz the heroine ov forlorn Hope--she feathers her arrows with
reazon, and fires rite at the bull’s eye ov fate.
I think now if i couldn’t hav but one ov the moral attributes, i would
take it all in faith--red hot faith I mean; and tho i mite make sum fust
rate blunders, i would do a rushing bizzness amung the various dri bones
thare iz laying around loose in this world.
BRANES.
Branes are a sort ov animal pulp, and by common konsent are suppozed tew
be the medium ov thought.
How enny boddy knows that the branes do the thinking, or are the
interpreters ov thought, iz more than i kan tell; and, for what i kno,
this theory may be one ov thoze remarkable diskoverys ov man which aint
so.
Theze subjeks are tew mutch for a man ov mi learning tew lift. I kant
prove any ov them, and i hav too mutch venerashun tew guess at them.
Branes are generally supozed tew be lokated in the hed, but
investigashun satisfys me that they are planted all over the boddy.
I find that a dansing master’s are situated in hiz heels and toze, while
a fiddler’s all center in hiz elbows.
Sum people’s branes seem tew be placed in their hands and fingers, which
explains their grate genius for taking things which they kan reach.
I hav seen cases whare all the branes seemed tew kongregate in the
tounge; and once in a grate while they inhabit the ears, and then we hav
a good listener, but theze are seldum cases.
Sum times the branes ain’t enny whare in partikular, but all over the
boddy in a minnit. These fellows are like a pissmire just before a hard
shower, in a big hurry, and alwus trieing tew go 4 different ways tew
once.
Thare seems tew be kases whare thare aint enny branes at all, but this
iz a mistake. I thought i had cum akrost one ov theze kind once, but
after watching the pashunt for an hour, and see him drink 5 horns ov
poor whiskey during the time, i had no trouble in telling whare hiz
branes all lay.
I hav finally cum tew the konclushun that branes, or sum thing else that
iz good tew think with, are excellent tew hav: but yu want tew keep yure
eye on them, and not let them phool away their time, nor yures neither.
SPRING AND BILES.
Spring came this year az mutch az usual, hail butuous virgin 5000 years
old and upwards, hale and harty old gal, welcum tew York State, and
parts adjacent!
Now the birds jaw, now the cattle holler, now the pigs skream, now the
geese warble, now the kats sigh, and natur is frisky, the earnest
pissmire, the virtuous bed-bug, and the nobby cockroach, are singing
Yankee Doodle, and “coming thru the rhi.” Now may be seen the muskeeter,
that gray outlined critter ov destiny, solitary and alone, examining his
last year’s bill, and may now be heard, with the naked ear, the hoarse
shanghigh, bawling in the barnyard.
Kittens in the doorway, the pupys on the green, neighbor chats with
neighbor, and the languid urchin creeps listless toward the school.
These things are all fust rate in their place, but spring brings pesky
_biles_, and plants them carelessly, sometimes among the maiden’s
charms, and sometimes among the young men’s. I kan tork like a preshure
poet about biles, just now, for i have one in full bloom growing on me,
almost reddy to pick, az big az an eggplant, and az full ov anguish az a
broken heart.
Biles are the sorest things ov their size on reckord, and az kross tew
the touch az a setting hen, or a dog with a fresh bone. Biles alwus pick
out the handyest place on youre boddy tew bild their nest, and if you
undertake tew brake them up, it only makes them mad, and takes them
longer tew hatch out. Thare aint no sutch thing az coaxing, nor driving
them away. They are like an impudent bed bug, they won’t move till they
hav got their fill.
Biles are az old az religion. Job, the proffit, waz the first champion
ov biles, and he iz currently reported tew hav more biles, and more
pashunce, to the square inch, than enny one, two very rare things to be
found, in enny man.
_Biles_ and _pashunce_! i should as soon think ov mixing courting and
muskeeters together, for luxury.
I hav got a grate deal more faith than i hav pashunce, but i hain’t got
enough faith in biles. I wouldn’t trust a bile, even on one ov mi boots.
I think faith iz a better artikle than pashunce. Faith sumtimes iz an
evidence ov brains, and pashunce quite often iz only numbness, but i
don’t thinkin these smoothe shod times it iz best to have too mutch
capital invested in either ov them.
But i am out ov the road. I must git back onto biles agin.
If a fellow begins tew wander, and git out ov the straight and narrow
path, it is curious how quick he will begin to go to the----. Biles are
very sassy; sumtimes when yer go to set down, they will get between yer
and the chair; this iz one evidence ov their ill-breeding, and i had one
once plant herself on the frunt end of mi nose, which was a most
remarkabel piece ov bad manners, for there iz no room on mi noze
ennywhere fora bile, for when it iz even ebb tide with mi noze, it
covers half ov mi face. Biles are sed tew be helthy, and i guess they
am, for i hav seen sum helthy old biles, az big az a hornet’s nest, and
az full ov stings. I always want to be helthy--i am willing tew pay the
highest market price for a good deal ov helthy--but if i had to hav 2
biles on me, awl the time, in order to be helthy, i should think that i
was bulling the market.
There iz one more smart thing about biles; they are like twins; they
hardly ever cum singly, and i hav known them to throw double sixes.
What! twelve biles on one man at a time! This is wus than fighting
bumblebees with your summer clothes on.
Biles are sed, by the edukated and correkt spellers ov the land, to be
an operashun ov natur tew git rid ov sumthing which she wants to spare.
This is so without doubt, but it don’t strike me az being a very polite
thing in natur, tew shov oph her biles onto other folks. I say, let evry
boddy take care ov their own biles.
But say aul yer kan about biles, call them all the mean names current
amung fishmungers, revile and persecute, and spit on them, groan, grin
and swear when they visit yer, hit them over the head and set on them if
yer pleaze, there iz a time in their career when they concentrate aul
the pathos ov joy that a man haz on hand to spare, and that iz--when
they bust!
[Illustration: CONSULTING YOUR DOCTOR ON BILES.]
This iz bliss, glory, and revenge on the haff shell. A man leans back in
rektified comfort, az innocent and az limber az a mermaid.
This pays for the fretful nights and nervous days while the bile haz
been hatching. Exit Biles.
TIGHT BOOTS.
I would jist like to kno who the man waz who fust invented _tite boots_.
He must hav bin a narrow and kontrakted kuss.
If he still lives, i hope he haz repented ov hiz sin, or iz enjoying
grate agony ov sum kind.
I hav bin in a grate menny tite spots in mi life, but generally could
manage to make them average; but thare iz no sich thing az making a pair
of tite boots average.
Enny man who kan wear a pair ov tite boots, and be humble, and penitent,
and not indulge profane literature, will make a good husband.
Oh! for the pen ov departed Wm. Shakspear, to write an anethema aginst
tite boots, that would make anshunt Rome wake up, and howl agin az she
did once before on a previous ockashun.
Oh! for the strength ov Herkules, to tare into shu strings all the tite
boots ov creashun, and skatter them tew the 8 winds ov heaven.
Oh! for the buty ov Venus, tew make a bigg foot look hansum without a
tite boot on it.
Oh! for the payshunce ov Job, the Apostle, to nuss a tite boot and bles
it, and even pra for one a size smaller and more pinchfull.
Oh! for a pair of boots bigg enuff for the foot ov a mountain.
I have been led into the above assortment ov _Oh’s!_ from having in my
posseshun, at this moment, a pair ov number nine boots, with a pair ov
number eleven feet in them.
Mi feet are az uneazy az a dog’s noze the fust time he wears a muzzle.
I think mi feet will eventually choke the boots to deth.
I liv in hopes they will.
I suppozed i had lived long enuff not to be phooled agin in this way,
but i hav found out that an ounce ov vanity weighs more than a pound ov
reazon, espeshily when a man mistakes a bigg foot for a small one.
Avoid tite boots, mi friend, az you would the grip of the devil; for
menny a man haz caught for life a fust rate habit for swareing bi
encouraging hiz feet to hurt hiz boots.
I hav promised mi two feet, at least a dozen ov times during mi
checkured life, that they never should be strangled agin, but i find
them to-day az phull ov pain az the stummuk ake from a suddin attak ov
tite boots.
But this iz solemly the last pair ov tite boots i will ever wear; i will
hereafter wear boots az bigg az mi feet, if i have to go barefoot to do
it.
I am too old and too respektable to be a phool enny more.
Eazy boots iz _one_ of the luxurys ov life, but i forgit what the other
luxury iz, but i don’t kno az i care, provided i kan git rid ov this
pair ov tite boots.
Enny man kan hav them for seven dollars, just half what they kost, and
if they don’t make his feet ake wuss than an angle worm in hot ashes, he
needn’t pay for them.
Methuseles iz the only man, that i kan kall to mind now who could hav
afforded to hav wore tite boots, and enjoyed them, he had a grate deal
ov waste time tew be miserable in, but life now days, iz too short, and
too full ov aktual bizzness to phool away enny ov it on tite boots.
Tite boots are an insult to enny man’s understanding.
He who wears tite boots will hav too acknowledge the corn.
Tite boots hav no bowells or mersy, their insides are wrath, and
promiskious cussing.
Beware ov tite boots.
THE LAM AND THE DOVE.
The lam iz a juvenile sheep.
They are born about the fust ov March, and menny ov them die just az
soon az green peas cum.
Lam and green peas are good, but not good for the lam.
Lam are innosent az shrimps, they won’t bight, nor skratch, nor talk
sassy.
They don’t kno mutch, only to skip, turn summersets on the grass, kik up
their heels, pla tag, plauge their mothers and hav phun generally.
I luv the lam, i even luv them after they bekum mutton, i luv lams ov
all kinds, i had rather hav one lam than 4 wolfs. This may look like
oddness in me, but it iz mi sentiments enny how.
Mary had a little lam. I wish i had a little lam, and if i had a good
deal ov lam it wouldn’t diskourage me.
Mary waz a good girl--an ornament tew her sekt.
Mary’s lam waz a good lam--an ornament tew hiz or her sekt, i don’t
remember which.
It iz plezant tew reflekt that theze things are stubborn fakts.
When a lam gits thru being a lam, they immejiately bekum a sheep. This
takes all the sentiment out ov them.
There ain’t mutch poetry in mutton.
Sheep are mutton.
Mutton iz sumtimes prekarious.
When youth and innosense ov enny kind groze old, it loozes most all ov
its lamness.
This fakt iz too well known tew require an affidavid.
The lam iz an artikle ov trade, az well as diet, they are wuth from four
tew 10 dollars, ackording tew the way things am.
It iz strange that so mutch innosense az the lam iz possessed ov should
be for sale.
It iz jiss so with most all the innosense and purity in this world--it
iz too often brought to the shambles.
I suppoze if i could hav mi way, the lam would stop growing when he got
to be about 8 weeks old; but then, cum tew think ov it, this would make
mutton awful skarse.
It would also make lams dredful plenty.
It would also inkrease wolfs much, for i hav alwus notissed since i
begun bizzness in this world that just in perposhun az lams got
numerous, wolfs got numerous ackordin.
The lam haz a short tail. Their tails are not short bi natur, but short
bi desighn.
During their early lamkinness, in an unsuspekting moment, and quicker
than litening, their dorsal elongashun iz nipt in the bud.
Not to be mistaken in this matter, and tew plase the responsibility jist
whare it belongs, lam’s tails are kut oph bi man.
This iz a mean thing for man to do, but man iz capable ov doing dredful
mean things, jist bekauze he iz a man.
Man aint satisfied tew leave ennything in this world az he phinds it.
Lams are ov the mail and femail perswashun.
[Illustration: THE LAM AND DUV.]
Thare are none ov the animals, that i kan remember ov now, that are ov
the nuter gender except the mule.
I hav often seen men ov the nuter jender. If yu don’t beleave this, cum
down whare i liv and i will point them out to you.
The femail lam iz the dearest little package ov innosense and buty known
to natralists.
A femail lam iz mi pride and hope. I luv the whole entire congregashun
ov them. The mail lam soon gits ruff. They hav horns which burst out ov
their heds, and when they git advanced in the journey ov life, theze
horns are a hard thing tew kontradicket.
I hav seen an aged mail lam knock a 2-hoss waggon into splinters with
one blo ov their horns.
This iz terrible if true.
The mail lam when he arrives at hiz majority iz called a ram.
The lam iz kivvered from childhood with a softe coating called wool,
from whitch cloth iz sed to be made, and also from whitch yarn iz sed to
be spun.
There iz a grate deal ov yarn spun in this world that has no wool in it;
theze yarns are called phibs.
Phibs are not konsidered feroshus. A phib iz a lie painted in water
kullers.
Thare haz been more phibs in market since the formashun ov man than
thare haz been truth.
Phibs are often ingenious, sometimes quite pretty, but are alwus
dangerous.
Phibs are sumtimes a grate deal more plauzable than truth.
Look out for them.
Phibbers hav been known tew bekum liars, just az hot lemonade drinkers,
with a leetle port wine in it just for effekt, hav been known tew bekum
our most reliable whiskee drinkers.
THE DUV.
The duv iz the lam amung birds.
They are az harmless az a dandy lion.
They don’t do enny hard work, but eat oats and bill and coo.
They luv each other like a nu married kupple.
The duv alwus hav a good appetight; they will eat from dalite tew dark
and seem tew be sorry they didn’t eat sum more.
They are a long lived burd, and like the bumble bee, are the biggest
when they are born.
I never knu a duv tew la down, and di ov old age.
They are very thrifty, they will inkrease phaster than the
multiplikashun table.
They are like the meazles, if yu hav them at all, yu hav got tew hav a
good menny ov them.
The duv haz existed a long time, and was one ov Noahs pets, when he
sailed.
The fust duv he sent out ov the ark brought bak an olive branch, and the
next time he sent her out, she didn’t bring bak enny thing.
She even forgot tew cum bak herself.
Noah had but one pair ov each breed ov duvs in the ark, and the one he
sent out, and the one he had on hand, must hav found each other, this
explains the lov, and effekshun, ov the duv.
The duv iz more ornamental than useful.
They are too inosent tew be very useful.
Sumtimes too mutch inosense interferes with bizzness.
I hav known half a dozen duvs tew git into a pie together, and make
themselves useful for a fu minnitts.
I don’t hate duv pies.
The duv hav alwuss been a kard tew define inosense.
The bible tells us, “to be az wize az a sarpent, _but harmless_ as a
duv.”
This iz fust rate advice, but it means live bizzness.
Enny boddy who iz az wise az a sarpent, kan afford tew be az harmless az
a duv.
The rite mixtur ov duv and sarpient in a man’s natur iz a good dose.
If a man haz got too much snaik in him, he iz liable tew overdo things,
and if he haz got too mutch duv in him, he aint apt tew cook things
enuff.
The duv iz a homemade kritter; they are as effeckshionate as a cockroach
iz.
The nearer they kan liv tew whare man duz, the more they are apt tew do
it.
Lams and duvs hav a grate menny weak points; but i wouldn’t like enny
better phun than tew liv whar thare want ennything else but duvs and
lams. But this place aint laid down on enny of the maps in this world.
Hawks and wolfs hav made the duv and lam trade dredful unsartin.
I guess, after all, that the evil things in this life help tew make the
good things more desirable, and all things that are natral must be
right, be they lam, duv, wolf or sarpient.
THE OLD BACHELOR.
A chronick old bachelor iz invaribly ov the nuter gender, i don’t care
how mutch he may offer tew bet that it ain’t so.
They are like dried apples on a string, want a good deal ov soaking
before they will do to use.
I suppose thare iz sum ov them who hav a good excuse for their
nuterness; menny ov them are too stingy tew marry; this iz one ov the
best excuses i kno ov, for a stingy man ain’t fit to hav a nice woman.
Sum old bachelors gits after a flirt, and kan’t travel az fast az she
duz, and then konklude all the female group are hard tew ketch, and good
for nothing when they are ketched.
A flirt iz a tuff thing to overhaul, unless the right dog gits after
her, and they are the eazyest ov all tew ketch, and often make the best
ov wives.
When a flirt really falls in love, she iz az powerless az a mown daizy.
Her impudence then changes into modesty, her cunning into fear, her
spurs into a halter, and her pruning-hook into a cradle.
The best way to ketch a flirt iz to travel the other way from which they
are going, or set down on the grass and whissell sum lively tune till
the flirt cums round.
Old bachelors make the flirts, and then the flirts git more than even,
by making the old bachelors.
A majority ov the flirts get married finally, for they have a grate
quantity ov the most dainty titbits ov woman’s natur, and alwus hav
shrewdness tew back up their sweetness.
Flirts don’t deal in poetry and water grewel; they hav got tew hav
brains, or else sumboddy would trade them out ov their capital at the
fust swop.
Thare iz sich a thing (i hav bin told bi thoze who know sum more ov
theze things than i do,) az old bachelors being manufackterd out ov
dissapointed love.
This iz a good deal az sensible, az a man’s staying put in the cold all
night, on the wrong side ov a river, bekauze he haz made up hiz mind tew
ford it, in jist sich a place whare he knows the water iz over hiz hed,
when if he would go a little further up or down the creek, he would find
the crossing easy, and a sweet little critter, with outstretched hands
to beckon him acrost.
Dissapointed luv must ov course be all on one side, and this ain’t enny
more excuse for being an old bachelor than it iz for a man tew quit all
kind ov manual labor, jist out ov spite, and jine a poor house, bekauze
he kant lift a ton at one pop.
Old bachelors, others tell us, are made so bekauze they fear the
_burden_ ov a family.
This would be a good excuse if there waz enny truth in it; the fackt iz,
if such men had a family, they would be the grasshoppers themselfs that
the bible speaks ov, as weighing so mutch to the pound.
An old bachelor will brag about hiz freedum to you, hiz relief from
anxiety, hiz independance. This iz a dead beat past ressurrection, for
evryboddy knows there ain’t a more anxious dupe on earth than he iz. All
hiz dreams are charcole sketches, ov boarding-school misses; he dresses,
greases hiz hair, paints hiz grizzly mustash, cultivates bunyons and
corns, tew pleese hiz captains, the wimmin, and only gits laffed at for
hiz pains.
I tried being an old bachelor till i waz about twenty years old, and cum
very near dieing a dozen times. I had more sharp pain in one year than i
have had since, put it all in a heap; i waz in a lively fever all the
time.
If a man haint got ennything in hiz natur but vanity and self-love, he
iz very apt tew want to be an old bachelor, and generally makes a good
specimen ov the critters; but what more disgusting traits can a man have
than these?--and thare iz no stronger argument in favor ov gitting
married than the fackt that thare aint nothing that will kure theze
komplaints so thoroly az a wife and fifteen or twenty babes.
There iz only one person who haz inhabited this world thus far, that i
think could hav bin an old bachelor and done the subjekt justiss, and he
waz Adam; but since Adam saw fit to open the ball, i hold it iz every
man’s duty to selekt a partner, and keep the dance hot.
HORNS.
In writing the biographi ov _horns_, i am astonished tew find so menny
ov them, and so entirely different in their pedigree and pretenshuns.
“_Cape Horn._”--Cape Horn iz the biggest horn known to man.
It iz a native ov the extreme bottom ov South Amerika, and gores the
oshun.
Cape Horn iz hollow, and akts az a phunnell for the winds, which hurry
thru it in mutch haste, cauzing the waters ov the sea for a grate
distance tew bekum crazy, which frightens the vessells that go by thare,
and makes them rare and pitch tremenjus.
This horn iz like a sour old bull in the hiway, and dont seem tew be ov
enny use, only tew make folks go out ov their way tew git round it.
“_Horn ov a dilemma._”--Dilemma iz derived from the siamese verb
“_diloss_,” which means _a tite spot_, and haz a horn on each end ov it.
Thare iz no choice in theze two horns; if yu seize one ov them the other
may perforate yu, and if yu dont take either both of them may pitch into
you.
I always avoid them if possible, but when possibility gives out, mi rule
iz tew shut up both eyes, and fite both prongs with mi whole grit.
Nine times out ov ten this will smash a dilemma, and it iz alwus a good
fite if yu git licked the tenth.
Yu kant argy or reason with the horn ov a dilemma, the only way iz tew
advance in and fight for the gross amount.
“_Cow’s Horn._”--Two bony projeckshuns, curved, crooked or strate, worn
bi the cows on the apeks of their heds, for ornament in times ov peace,
and used when they go into war tew stab with.
Theze horns are a kind ov family rechord.
At three years old a ring appears on the bottom ov the horn next tew the
hed, and each year after a fresh ring iz born.
In this way the cows kno how old they are.
[Illustration: IN A HORN.]
Sumtimes theze rings fill up the whole horn and grow off onto the
adjoining fences in the pasture lot, but this only happens tew very old
cows.
I never knu it tew happen in mi life, and I dont think it ever did, it
iz one ov them venerable lies that are handed down from father to son,
just tew keep the stock ov lies from running out.
When I waz a boy and had just begun tew chew tobacco, i waz told that
butter cum from the cow’s horn--I hav since found out that this iz
another cussed old lie. This lieing tew children iz no evidence ov
genius, and iz sowing the seeds ov decepshun in a soil too apt bi nature
tew covet what aint undoubtedly so.
“_Dinner-Horn._”--This is the oldest, and most sakred horn thare iz. It
iz set tew musik, and plays “Home, Sweet Home” about noon. It has bin
listened tew, with more rapturous delite, than ever Graffula’s band haz.
Yu kan hear it further than yu kan one ov Mr. Rodman’s guns. It will
arrest a man and bring him in quicker than a sheriff’s warrent. It kan
outfoot enny other noize. It kauzes the deaf tew hear, and the dum tew
shout for joy. Glorious old instrument! long may yure lungs last!
“_Ram’s Horn._”--A spiral root, that emerges suddenly from the figure
hed ov the maskuline sheep, and ramafies untill it reaches a tip end.
Ram’s horns are alwus a sure sighn ov battle. They are used tew butt
with, _but with_ out enny respekt to persons. They will attak a stun
wall, or a deakon or an established church. A story iz told ov old
deakon Fletcher ov Konnektikutt State, who waz digging post holes in a
ram pasture on hiz farm, and the moshun ov hiz boddy waz looked upon, by
the old ram, who fed in the lot, az a banter for a fight.
Without arrangeing enny terms for the fight, the ram went incontinently
for the deakon, and took him, the fust shot, on the blind side ov hiz
boddy, jist about the meridian.
The blow transposed the deakon sum eighteen feet, with a heels-over-hed
moshun.
Exhasperated tew a point, at least ten foot beyond endurance, the deakon
jumped up, and skreamed his whole voice * * * “yu darned--old cuss,” and
then all at once remembering that he waz a good, piuz deakon, he
apologized by saying--“_that iz, if I may be allowed the expresshun_.”
The deakon haz mi entire simpathy for the remarks made tew the ram.
“_Whisky Horn._”--This horn varys in length, but from three to six
inches iz the favorite size.
It iz different from other horns, being ov a fluid natur.
It iz really more pugnashus than the ram’s horn; six inches ov it will
knok a man perfekly calm.
When it knoks a man down it holds him thare.
It iz either the principal or the sekond in most all the iniquity that
iz travelling around.
It makes brutes of men, demons of wimmin and vagrants of children.
It haz drawn more tears, broken more hearts and blited more hopes than
all the other agencys of the devil put together.
“_Horn Comb._”--This simple little unsophistikated instrument haz
beheaded countless legions ov innocent children.
I don’t mean that it haz cut oph their heads, but that it haz cut its
way thru the hirsute embossing that adorns their skalps.
It haz two rows of sharp teeth, and always haz a good appetite.
It iz always az ready for a job az a village lawyer, and iz az thorough
az a sarch warrent.
It iz an emblem of faith and neatness.
When it gits old and looses its teeth it should be cherished, hung up
and labeled, “Well done old mouser.”
I always look upon an old and worn out horn tooth comb with a species ov
venerashun, bordering on melankolly. It reminds me ov mi boyhood, and
the boyish things that waz running through mi head in thoze days ov
simplicity and innocence.
Thare iz a grate menny other kinds ov horns, but I haint got the time to
tell yu all about them now. Thare iz the “Powder Horn,” the “Horn ov the
Bull Head,” and the “Horn ov Plenty;” and there iz also “Horn Tooke,” a
celebrated writer ov hiz day; but good-by for the present.
KISSING.
I hav written essays on kissing before this one, and they didn’t satisfy
me, nor dew I think this one will, for the more a man undertakes tew
tell about a kiss, the more he will reduce his ignorance tew a science.
Yu kant analize a kiss enny more than yu kan the breath ov a flower. Yu
kant tell what makes a kiss taste so good enny more than yu kan a peach.
Enny man who kan set down, whare it is cool, and tell how a kiss tastes,
haint got enny more real flavor tew his mouth than a knot hole haz. Such
a phellow wouldn’t hesitate tew deskribe Paridise as a fust rate place
for gardin sass.
The only way tew diskribe a kiss is tew take one, and then set down, awl
alone, out ov the draft, and smack yure lips.
If yu kant satisfy yureself how a kiss tastes without taking another
one, how on arth kan you define it tew the next man.
I hav heard writers talk about the egstatick bliss thare waz in a kiss,
and they really seemed tew think they knew all about it, but these are
the same kind ov folks who perspire and kry when they read poetry, and
they fall to writing sum ov their own, and think they hav found out how.
I want it understood that I am talking about pure emotional kissing,
that is born in the heart, and flies tew the lips, like a humming bird
tew her roost.
I am not talking about your lazy, milk and molasses kissing, that daubs
the face ov enny body, nor yure savage bite, that goes around, like a
roaring lion, in search ov sumthing to eat.
Kissing an unwilling pair ov lips, iz az mean a viktory, az robbin a
bird’s nest, and kissing too willing ones iz about az unfragant a
recreation, az making boquets out ov dandelions.
The kind ov kissing that I am talking about iz the kind that must do it,
or spile.
If yu sarch the rekords ever so lively, yu kant find the author ov the
first kiss; kissing, like mutch other good things, iz anonymous.
But thare iz such natur in it, sitch a world ov language without words,
sitch a heap ov pathos without fuss, so much honey, and so little water,
so cheap, so sudden, and so neat a mode of striking up an acquaintance,
that i consider it a good purchase, that Adam giv, and got, the fust
kiss.
Who kan imagin a grater lump ov earthly bliss, reduced tew a finer
thing, than kissing the only woman on earth, in the garden of Eden.
Adam wan’t the man, i don’t beleave, tew pass sich a hand
I may be wrong in mi konklusions, but if enny boddy kan date kissing
further back, i would like tew see them do it.
I don’t know whether the old stoick philosophers ever kist enny boddy or
not, if they did, they probably did it, like drawing a theorem on a
black board, more for the purpose of proving sumthing else.
I do hate to see this delightful and invigorating beverage adulturated,
it iz nektar for the gods, i am often obliged tew stand still, and see
kissing did, and not say a word, that haint got enny more novelty, nor
meaning in it, than throwing stones tew a mark.
I saw two maiden ladys kiss yesterday on the north side ov Union square,
5 times in less than 10 minnitts; they kist every time they bid each
other farewell, and then immediately thought ov sumthing else they
hadn’t sed. I couldn’t tell for the life ov me whether the kissing waz
the effekt ov what they sed, or what they sed waz the effekt ov the
kissing. It waz a which, and tother, scene.
Cross-matched kissing iz undoubtedly the strength ov the game. It iz
trew thare iz no stattu regulashun aginst two females kissing each
other; but i don’t think thare iz much pardon for it, unless it iz done
to keep tools in order; and two men kissing each other iz prima face
evidence ov deadbeatery.
Kissing that passes from parent to child, and back agin seems to be az
necessary az shinplasters, to do bizzness with; and kissing that
hussbands give and take iz simply gathering ripe fruit from ones own
plumb tree, that would otherwise drop oph, or be stolen.
Tharefore i am driv tew konklude, tew git out ov the corner that mi
remarks hav chased me into, that the ile ov a kiss iz only tew be had
once in a phellow’s life, in the original package, and that iz when....
Not tew waste the time ov the reader, i hav thought best not tew finish
the abuv sentence, hoping that their aint no person ov a good edukashun,
and decent memory, but what kan reckolekt the time which i refer to,
without enny ov mi help.
“WHAT I KNO ABOUT PHARMING.”
What i kno about pharmin, iz kussid little.
Mi buzzum friend, Horace Greely, haz rit a book with the abuv name, and
altho i haven’t had time tew peerose it yet, i don’t hesitate tew
pronounse it bully.
Pharmin, (now daze) iz pretty much all theory, and tharefore it aint
astonishing, that a man kan live in New York, and be a good chancery
lawyer, and also kno all about pharming.
[Illustration: BLOWING.]
A pharm, (now daze) ov one hundred akers, will produse more bukwheat,
and pumkins, run on theory, than it would 60 years ago, run with manure,
and hard knoks.
Thare iz nothing like book larning, and the time will evventually cum,
when a man, won’t hav tew hav only one ov “_Josh Billing’s Farmers’
Allmanax_,” to run a farm, or a kamp meeting with.
Even now it aint unkommon, tew see three, or four, hired men, on a farm,
with three, or four, spans ov oxen, all standing still, while the boss
goes into the library, and reads himself up for the days’ ploughing.
If i was running a pharm, (now daze) i suppoze i would rather hav 36
bushels, ov sum nu breed ov potatoze, raized on theory, than tew hav 84
bushels, got in the mean, benighted, and underhanded way, ov our late
lamented grand parents.
Pharmin, after all, iz a good deal like the tavern bizzness, ennyboddy
thinks they kan keep a hotel, (now daze,) _and they kan_, but this iz
the way that poor hotels cum tew be so plenty, and this iz likewize what
makes pharmin such eazy, and proffitable bizzness.
Just take the theory out ov pharming, and thare aint nothing left, but
hard work, and all fired lite krops.
When i see so mutch pholks, rushing into theory pharming, az thare iz,
(now daze) and so menny ov them rushing out agin, i think ov that
remarkable piece ov skriptur, which remarks, “menny are called, but few
are chosen.”
I onst took a pharm, on shares miself, and run her on sum theorys, and
the thing figured up this way, i dun all the work, I furnished all the
seed, and manure, had the ague 9 months, out of 12, for mi share ov the
proffits, and the other phellow, paid the taxes on the pharm, for hiz
share.
By mutual konsent, i quit the farm, at the end of the year.
What i kno about pharmin, aint wuth bragging about, and i feel it mi
duty to state, for the benefit ov mi kreditors, that if they ever expekt
me tew pay 5 cents on a dollar, they musn’t start me in the theoretikal
pharmin employ.
If a man really iz anxious tew make munny on a pharm, the less theory he
lays in the better, and he must do pretty mutch all the work hisself,
and support hiz family on what he kant sell, and go ragged enuff all the
time tew hunt bees.
I kno ov menny farmers, who are so afflikted with superstishun, that
they wont plant a single bean, only in the last quarter of the moon, and
i kno ov others so pregnant with science, that they wont set a gate
post, until they hav had the ground analized, bi sum professor ov
anatomy, tew see if the earth haz got the right kind of ingredience for
post-holes.
This iz what i call running science into the ground.
The fakt ov it iz, that theorys, ov all kind, work well, except in
praktiss: they are too often designed tew do the work ov praktiss.
Thare aint no theory in brakeing a mule, only tew go at him, with a klub
in yure hand, and sum blood in yure eye, and brake him, just as yu would
split a log.
What i kno about pharming, aint wuth mutch enny how, but I undertook teu
brake a kicking heifer once.
I read a treatiss on the subjekt, and phollowed the direkshuns cluss,
and got knokt endwaze, in about 5 minnits.
I then sot down, and thought the thing over.
I made up mi mind that the phellow who wrote the treatiss waz more in
the treatiss bizzness than he waz in the kicking heifer trade.
I cum tew the konklushun that what he knu about milking kiking heifers,
he had larnt by leaning over a barn yard fence, and writing the thing
up.
I got up from my reflekshuns strengthened, and went for that heifer.
I will draw a veil over the language i used, and the things i did, but i
went in to win, _and won_.
That heifer never bekum a cow.
This iz one way tew brake a kicking heifer, and after a man haz studdyed
all the books in kreashun on the subjek, and tried them on, he will fall
back onto mi plan, and make up hiz mind, az i did, that a kicking heifer
iz wuth more for beef than she iz for theoretick milk.
I hav worked on a pharm just long enuff tew kno that thare iz no prayers
so good for poor land az manure, and no theory kan beat twelve hours
each day, (sundaze excepted) of honest labour applied tew the sile.
I am an old phashioned phellow, and hartily hate most nu things, bekauze
i hav bin beat bi them so often.
I never knu a pharm that waz worked pretty mutch by theory, but what waz
for sale, or to let, in a fu years, and i never knu a pharm that waz
worked by manure, and muscle, on the good old ignorant way ov our
ansestors, but what waz handed down, from father to son, and alwus waz
noted for razing brawny armed boys, and buxom lasses, and fust rate
potatoze.
What i kno about pharmin, iz nothing but experiense, and experiense,
(now daze,) aint wuth a kuss.
I had rather hav a good looking theory, tew ketch flats with, than the
experiense--even ov Methuseler.
Experiense iz a good thing tew lay down and die with, but yu kant do no
big bizzness with it, (now daze,) it aint hot enuff.
Giv me a red hot humbug, and i kan make most ov the experiense, in this
world ashamed ov itself.
QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS.
Qu.--Did you ever see an old horce, holler-eyed and bony, limp-legged
and pur-blind, kivvered with a gold-plated harniss and waited upon by a
spruce postillion, and a liveryed coachman?
Ans.--Yes i hav, and i hav seen old age put on pomposity, hobble in
brocade, command reverance, exult with pride and grin with pain, and i
hav sed tew myself “poor old hoss.”
Qu.--Did yu ever hear phools, and even wise men say that life waz short,
that deth waz certain, that happiness waz skase?
Ans.--I have herd theze remarks quite often, but i never herd a bizzy
man find enny fault with the length of life, nor a pure one regret that
deth waz a sure thing, nor a vartuous one konplain about the high price
of happiness.
Qu.--Did you ever hear an old maid prattle about the falsity ov man, the
grate risk thare waz in having one, the bliss thare waz in being boss ov
one’s self?
Ans.--It seems tew me that i hav, and i have alwus felt az tho the old
virgin waz taking medicine awl the time she was saying it.
Qu.--Iz thare enny vacancy at present for a man in polite sirkles, who
didn’t hav a ritch daddy, or who hadn’t bored suckcessfully for ile
himself?
Ans.--If we hear ov enny sutch opening we will telegraff yu at once, but
jist now, the way things are run, a man with seedy garments on would
even git kicked out ov a fust klass meeting house, and be put under 10
thousand dollar bonds tew keep the peace. Our advice tew a poor, but
virtewous individual, would be tew take hiz virtew under hiz arm, keep
shady, and let the polite sirkles chew each other.
Qu.--Kan a young man without enny mustash git a situation in Nu York
Sitty?
Ans.--Yes, but it would probably be in the station-house. Yung men
without enny mustash are looked upon with suspicion, and yu will find,
if yu put them under oath, that they either haint got ennything but
common sense, or they are too stingy to buy a bottle ov “Bolivards’s oil
ov seduktion,” warrented tew fetch hair, or tare oph the lip.
Qu.--Kan yu inform me the best way that haz yet been invented yet to
bring up a boy?
Ans.--Giv me 10 dollars and i will tell you. But here is a recipee that
i giv away. Bring up your boy in fear ov the rod and a gin mill.
Qu.--Iz thare enny kure for natral laziness, whare it iz a part ov a
man’s constitushun and bye laws?
Ans.--Only one kure, that iz, milk a cow on the run, and subsist on the
milk.
Qu.--How fast duz sound travel?
Ans.--This depends a good deal upon the natur ov the noize yu are
talking about. The sound ov a dinner horn for instance travels a half a
mile in a seckond, while an invitashun tew git up in the morning I hav
known to be 3 quarters ov an hour going up two pair ov stairs, and then
not hav strength enuff left tew be heard.
WHISSLING.
I hav spent a grate deal ov sarching, and sum money, tew find out who
waz the first whissler, but up tew now i am just az mutch uncivilized on
the subjekt az i waz.
I kan tell who played on the first juice harp, and who beat the fust tin
pan, and i kno the year the harp ov a thousand strings waz diskovered
in, but when whissling waz an infant, iz az hard for me tew say, az mi
prayers in lo dutch.
[Illustration: WHISSLING.]
Whissling iz a wind instrument, and iz did bi puckring up the mouth, and
blowing through the hole.
Thare aint no tune on the whole earth but what kan be played on this
instrument, and that selebrated old tune, Yankeedoodle haz bin almost
whissled tew deth.
Grate thinkers are not apt tew be good whisslers, in fakt, when a man
kant think ov nothing, then he begins tew whissell. We seldom see a
raskal who iz a good whissler, thare iz a grate deal ov honor bright, in
a sharp, well puckered whissell.
Good whisslers are gitting skarse, 75 years ago they waz plenty, but the
desire tew git ritch, or tew hold offiss, haz took the pucker out ov
this honest, and cheerful amuzement.
If i had a boy, who couldn’t whissell, i don’t want tew be understood,
that i should feel at liberty, tew giv the boy up for lost, but i would
mutch rather he would kno how tew whissell fust rate, than to kno how
tew play a seckond rate game ov kards.
I wouldn’t force a boy ov mine tew whissell agin his natral inclinashun.
Wimmin az a kind, or in the lump, are poor whizzlers, i don’t kno how i
found this out, but i am glad ov it, it iz a good deal like crowing in a
hen.
Crowing iz an unladylike thing in a hen tew do.
I hav often heard hens tri tew cro, but i never knu one tew do herself
justiss.
A rooster kan krow well, and a hen kan kluk well, and i sa let each one
ov them stik tew their trade.
Klucking iz jist az necessary in this wurld az crowing espeshily if it
iz well did.
But i want it well understood that i am the last man on reckord who
would refuse a woman a chance tew whissell if she waz certain she had
the right pucker for it.
I never knu a good whissler but what had a good constitushun. Whissling
iz compozed ov pucker and wind, and these two accomplishments denote
vigor.
Sum people alwus whissell whare thare iz danger--this they do to keep
the fraid out ov them. When i waz a boy i alwus konsidered whissling the
next best thing to a kandle to go down cellar with in the nite time.
The best whisslers i hav ever heard hav bin amung the negroes (i make
this remark with the highest respekt to the accomplishments ov the
whites), i hav herd a south karoliny darkey whissell so natral that a
mocking-bird would drop a worm out ov hiz bill and talk back to the
nigger.
I dont want enny better evidence ov the general honesty thare iz in a
whissell than the fackt that thare aint nothing which a dog will answer
quicker than the wissell ov hiz master, and dogs are az good judges ov
honesty az enny kritters that live.
It iz hard work to phool a dog once, and it iz next to impossible to
phool him the sekond time.
I aint afraid to trust enny man for a small amount who iz a good
whissler.
I wouldn’t want to sell him a farm on credit, for i should expekt to hav
to take the farm back after awhile and remove the mortgage miself.
Yu cant whissell a mortgage oph from a farm.
A fust rate whissler iz like a middling sized fiddler, good for nothing
else, and tho whissling may keep a man from gitting lonesum, it wont
keep him from gitting ragged.
I never knu a bee hunter but what waz a good whissler, and i dont kno ov
enny bizzness on the breast ov the earth that will make a man so lazy
and useless, without acktually killing him, az hunting bees in the
wilderness.
Hunting bees and writing seckond rate verses are evidences ov sum
genius, but either of them will unfit a man for doing a good square
day’s work.
HOTELS.
Hotels are houses ov refuge, homes for the vagrants, the married man’s
retreat, and the bachelor’s fireside.
They are kept in all sorts ov ways, sum on the European plan, and menny
ov them on no plan at all.
A good landlord iz like a good stepmother, he knows hiz bizzness and
means to do hiz duty.
He knows how to rub hiz hands with joy when the traveler draws nigh, he
knows how to smile, he knew yure wife’s father when he waz living, and
yure wife’s fust husband, but he don’t speak about him.
He kan tell whether it will rain to-morrow or not, he hears yure
komplaints with a tear in hiz eye, he blows up the servants at yure
suggestion, and stands around reddy, with a shirt collar az stiff az
broken china.
A man may be a good supream court judge and at the same time be a
miserable landlord.
Most evrybody thinks they kan keep a hotel (and they kan), but this
ackounts for the grate number ov hotels that are kept on the same
principle that a justiss ov the peace offiss iz kept in the country
during a six-days’ jury trial for killing sumboddy’s yello dorg.
A hotel wont keep itself and keep the landlord too, and ever kure a
traveler from the habit ov profane swareing.
I hav had this experiment tried on me several times, and it alwus makes
the swares, wuss.
It iz too often the kase that landlords go into the bizzness ov hash az
ministers go into the professhun, with the very best ov motives, but the
poorest kind ov prospecks.
I dont know ov enny bizzness more flattersum than the tavern bizzness,
there dont seem to be ennything to do but to stand in front ov the
register with a pen behind the ear and see that the guests enter
themselfs az soon az they enter the house, then yank a bell-rope six or
seven times, and then tell John to sho the gentleman to 976, and then
take four dollars and fifty cents next morning from the poor devil ov a
traveler and let him went.
This seems to be the whole thing (and it iz the whole thing) in most
cases.
* * * * *
Yu will diskover the following deskripshun a mild one, ov about 9 hotels
out ov 10 between the Atlantik and Pacifick Oshuns akrost the United
States in a straight line:
Yure room iz 13 foot 6 inches, by 9 foot 7 inches, parallelogramly.
It being court week (az usual), all the good rooms are employed bi the
lawyers and judges.
Yure room iz on the uttermost floor.
The carpet iz ingrain--ingrained with the dust, kerosene ile, and
ink-spots ov four generashuns.
Thare iz two pegs in the room tew hitch coats onto, one ov them broke
oph, and the other pulled out, and missing.
The buro haz three legs, and one brick.
The glass to the buro swings on two pivots, which hav lost their grip.
Thare iz one towel on the rack, thin, but wet. The rain water in the
pitcher cum out ov the well.
The soap iz az tuff tew wear az a whetstone.
The soap iz scented with cinnamon ile, and variagated with spots.
Thare iz three chairs, kane setters, one iz a rocker, and all three are
busted.
Thare iz a match-box, empty.
Thare iz no kurtin to the windo, and thare don’t want to be any, yu kant
see out, and who kan see in?
The bel rope iz cum oph about 6 inches this side ov the ceiling.
The bed iz a modern slat bottom, with two mattrasses, one cotton, and
one husk, and both harder, and about az thick az a sea biskitt.
Yu enter the bed sideways and kan feel evry slat at once az eazy az yu
could the ribs ov a grid iron.
The bed iz inhabited.
Yu sleep sum, but rool over a good deal.
For breakfast you have a gong, and rhy coffee too kold to melt butter,
fride potatoze which resemble the chips a two inch auger makes in its
journey through an oak log.
Bread solid, beef stake about az thik az a blister plaster, and so tuff
az a hound’s ear.
Table covered with plates, a few scared to death pickles on one ov them,
and 6 fly endorsed crackers on another.
A pewterinktom caster with three bottles in it, one without enny pepper
in it, one without enny mustard, and one with two inches ov drowned
flies, and vinegar in it.
Servant gall, with hoops on, hangs around you earnestly, and wants to
know if yu will take another cup ov coffee.
Yu say “_No mom, i thank yu_,” and push back yure chair.
Yu haven’t eat enuff tew pay for picking yure teeth.
* * * * *
I am about az selfconsaited az it will do for a man to be and not crack
open, but i never yet consaited that i could keep a hotel, i had rather
be a hiwayman than to be sum landlords i have visited with.
Thare are hotels that are a joy upon earth, where a man pays hiz bill az
cheerfully az he did the parson who married him, whare yu kant find the
landlord unless yu hunt in the kitchen, whare servants glide around like
angels ov mercy, whare the beds fit a man’s back like the feathers on a
goose, and whare the vittles taste just az tho yure wife, or yure mother
had fried them.
Theze kind ov hotels ought tew be bilt on wheels and travel around the
country; they are az phull ov real cumfort az a thanksgiving pudding,
but alass! yes, alass! they are az unplenty az double-yelked eggs.
LAFFING.
Anatomikally konsidered, laffing iz the sensashun ov pheeling good all
over, and showing it principally in one spot.
Morally konsidered, it iz the next best thing tew the 10 commandments.
Philosophikally konsidered, it beats Herrick’s pills 3 pills in the
game.
Theoretikally konsidered, it kan out-argy all the logik in existence.
Analitikally konsidered, enny part ov it iz equal tew the whole.
Konstitushionally konsidered, it iz vittles and sumthing tew drink.
Multifariously konsidered, it iz just az different from ennything else
az it is from itself.
Phumatically konsidered, it haz a good deal ov essence and sum boddy.
Pyroteknikally konsidered, it is the fire-works of the soul.
Syllogestikally konsidered, the konklushuns allwus follows the premises.
Spontaneously konsidered, it iz az natral and refreshing az a spring bi
the road-side.
Phosphorescently konsidered, it lights up like a globe lantern.
Exsudashiously konsidered, it haz all the dissolving propertys ov a hot
whiskee puntch.
But this iz too big talk for me; theze flatulent words waz put into the
dikshionary for those giants in knolledge tew use who hav tew load a
kannon klean up tew the muzzell with powder and ball when they go out
tew hunt pissmires.
But i don’t intend this essa for laffing in the lump, but for laffing on
the half-shell.
Laffing iz just az natral tew cum tew the surface as a rat iz tew cum
out ov hiz hole when he wants tew.
Yu kant keep it back by swallowing enny more than yu kan the heekups.
If a man _kan’t_ laff there iz sum mistake made in putting him together,
and if he _won’t_ laff he wants az mutch keeping away from az a
bear-trap when it iz sot.
I have seen people who laffed altogether too mutch for their own good or
for ennyboddy else’s; they laft like a barrell ov nu sider with the tap
pulled out, a perfekt stream.
This is a grate waste ov natral juice.
I have seen other people who didn’t laff enuff tew giv themselfs vent;
they waz like a barrell ov nu sider too, that waz bunged up tite, apt
tew start a hoop and leak all away on the sly.
Thare ain’t neither ov theze 2 ways right, and they never ought tew be
pattented.
Sum pholks hav got what iz kalled a hoss-laff, about haffway between a
growl and a bellow, just az a hoss duz when he feels hiz oats, and don’t
exackly kno what ails him.
Theze pholks don’t enjoy a laff enny more than the man duz hiz vettles
who swallows hiz pertatoze whole.
A laff tew be nourishsome wants tew be well chewed.
Thare iz another kind ov a laff which i never did enjoy, one loud busst,
and then everything iz az still az a lager beer barrell after it haz
blowed up and slung 2 or 3 gallons ov beer around loose.
Thare iz another laff whitch I hav annalized; it cums out ov the mouth
with a noize like a pig makes when he iz in a tite spot, one sharp
squeal and two snikkers, and then dies in a simper.
This kind ov a laff iz larnt at femail boarding-skools, and dont mean
ennything; it iz nothing more than the skin ov a laff.
Genuine laffing iz the vent ov the soul, the nostrils ov the heart, and
iz jist az necessary for helth and happiness as spring water iz for a
trout.
Thare iz one kind ov a laff that i always did reckommend; it looks out
ov the eye fust with a merry twinkle, then it kreeps down on its hands
and kneze and plays around the mouth like a pretty moth around the blaze
ov a kandle, then it steals over into the dimples ov the cheeks and
rides around in thoze little whirlpools for a while, then it lites up
the whole face like the mello bloom on a damask roze, then it swims oph
on the air, with a peal az klear and az happy az a dinner-bell, then it
goes bak agin on golden tiptoze like an angel out for an airing, and
laze down on its little bed ov violets in the heart whare it cum from.
Thare iz another laff that noboddy kan withstand; it iz just az honest
and noizy az a distrikt skool let out tew play, it shakes a man up from
hiz toze tew hiz temples, it dubbles and twists him like a whiskee phit,
it lifts him up oph from hiz cheer, like feathers, and lets him bak agin
like melted led, it goes all thru him like a pikpocket, and finally
leaves him az weak and az krazy az tho he had bin soaking all day in a
Rushing bath and forgot tew be took out.
This kind ov a laff belongs tew jolly good phellows who are az helthy az
quakers, and who are az eazy tew pleaze az a gall who iz going tew be
married to-morrow.
In konclushion i say laff every good chance yu kan git, but don’t laff
unless yu feal like it, for there ain’t nothing in this world more harty
than a good honest laff, nor nothing more hollow than a hartless one.
When yu do laff open yure mouth wide enuff for the noize tew git out
without squealing, thro yure hed bak az tho yu waz going tew be shaved,
hold on tew yure false hair with both hands and then laff till yure soul
gets thoroly rested.
But i shall tell yu more about theze things at sum fewter time.
HOSS SENSE.
There is nothing that haz bin diskovered yet, that iz so skarse as good
Hoss sense, about 28 hoss power.
[Illustration: ORATION.]
I don’t mean race hoss, nor trotting hoss sense, that kan run a mile in
1:28 and then brake down; nor trot in 2:13, and good for nothing
afterwards, only to brag on; but I mean the all-day hoss sense, that iz
good for 8 miles an hour, from rooster crowing in the morning, until the
cows cum home at night, klean tew the end ov the road.
I hav seen fast sense, that was like sum hoses, who could git so far in
one day that it would take them two days tew git back, on a litter. I
don’t mean this kind nuther.
Good hard-pan sense iz the thing that will wash well, wear well, iron
out without wrinkling, and take starch without kracking.
Menny people are hunting after uncommon sense, but they never find it a
good deal; uncommon sense iz ov the nature of genius, and all genius iz
the gift of God, and kant be had, like hens eggs, for the hunting.
Good, old-fashioned common sense iz one ov the hardest things in the
world to out-wit, out-argy, or beat in enny way, it iz az honest az a
loaf ov good domestik bread, alwus in tune, either hot from the oven or
8 days old.
Common sense kan be improved upon by edukashun--genius kan be too, sum,
but not much.
Edukashun gauls genius like a bad setting harness.
Common sense iz like biled vittles, it is good right from the pot, and
it is good nex day warmed up.
If every man waz a genius, mankind would be az bad oph az the heavens
would be, with every star a comet, things would git hurt badly, and
noboddy tew blame.
Common sense iz instinkt, and instinkt don’t make enny blunders mutch,
no more than a rat duz, in coming out, or going intew a hole, he hits
the hole the fust time, and just fills it.
Genius iz always in advance ov the times, and makes sum magnificent
hits, but the world owes most ov its tributes to good hoss sense.
SILENCE.
Silence is a still noise.
One ov the hardest things for a man to do, iz tew keep still.
Everyboddy wants tew be heard fust, and this iz jist what fills the
world with nonsense.
Everyboddy wants tew talk, few want to think, and noboddy wants tew
listen.
The greatest talkers amung the feathered folks, are the magpie and ginny
hen, and neither ov them are ov mutch account.
If a man ain’t sure he iz right the best kard he kan play iz a blank
one.
I have known menny a man tew beat in an argument by just nodding his hed
once in a while and simply say, “_jess so, jess so_.”
It takes a grate menny blows tew drive in a nail, but one will clinch
it.
Sum men talk just az a French pony trots, all day long, in a haff bushel
meazzure.
Silence never makes enny blunders, and alwus gits az mutch credit az iz
due it, and oftimes more.
When i see a man listening to me cluss i alwus say to mi self, “_look
out, Josh_, that fellow iz taking your meazzure.”
I hav herd men argy a pint two hours and a haff and not git enny further
from whare they started than a mule in a bark mill, they did a good deal
ov going round and round.
I hav sot on jurys and had a lawyer talk the law, fakts and evidence ov
the kase all out ov me, besides starting the taps on mi boots.
I hav bin tew church hungry for sum gospel, and cum hum so phull ov it
that i couldn’t draw a long breth without starting a button.
Brevity and silence are the two grate kards, and next to saying nothing,
saying a little, iz the strength ov the game.
One thing iz certain, it iz only the grate thinkers who kan afford tew
be brief, and thare haz bin but phew volumes yet published which could
not be cut down two-thirds, and menny ov them could be cut klean back
tew the title page without hurting them.
Iz hard tew find a man ov good sense who kan look back upon enny occason
and wish he had sed sum more, but it iz eazy tew find menny who wish
they had said less.
A thing sed iz hard tew recall, but unsed it kan be spoken any time.
Brevity iz the child of silence, and iz a great credit tew the old man.
BRAVERY.
True bravery iz very eazy tew detekt, for it iz az mutch a part and
parcel of a man’s every day life az hiz clothes iz.
Everything that a truly brave man duz iz did from principle not impulse,
and when no one sees him he iz just az heroik az he would be if he waz
in the eyes of the multitude.
Thare iz a grate deal ov bravery that iz simply ornamental, and if it
wan’t for its spurs and cockade wouldn’t amount tew mutch.
It iz not bravery to face what we kan’t dodge, but it iz true courage
tew face all things that are honest and dodge nothing.
True bravery exists amung the lowly just az mutch az amung the grate,
and a man really haz no more right tew expekt praise for his courage
than he haz for hiz virtue.
It often requires more bravery tew tell the simple truth than it duz tew
win a battle.
He who fills to the brim the stashun in life, which nature or fortune
haz given him, iz a hero; i don’t kare whether he iz a peasant on the
hillside, or chieftian in the tented field.
The most sublime courage I hav ever witnessed, hav been among that klass
who waz too poor to know that they possessed it, and too humble for the
world ever to diskover it.
When I want to see a hero, or commune with one, i don’t go tew the pages
ov history; i kan find them in among the bipaths ov every day life, i
hav known them tew liv out their lives and die without enny reckord
here; but hereafter, when the grate sorting takes place, they will be
found among the jewels.
DISPATCH.
Dispatch iz the gift, or art ov doing a thing right quick. To do a thing
right, and to do it quick iz an attribute ov genius.
Hurry iz often mistaken for dispatch; but thare iz just az much
difference az thare iz between a hornet and a pissmire when they are
both ov them on duty.
A hornet never takes any steps backwards, but a pissmire alwus travels
just as tho he had forgot sumthing.
Hurry works from morning until night, but works on a tred-wheel.
Dispatch never undertakes a job without fust marking out the course to
take, and then follows it, right or wrong, while hurry travels like a
blind hoss, stepping hi and often, and spends most ov her time in
running into things, and the ballance in backing out agin.
Dispatch iz alwus the mark ov grate abilitys, while hurry iz the
evidence ov a phew branes, and they, flying around so fast in the hed,
they keep their owner alwus dizzy.
Hurry iz a good phellow tew phite bumble bees, whare, if yu hav ever so
good a plan, yu kant make it work well.
Dispatch haz dun all the grate things that hav been did in this world,
while hurry haz been at work at the small ones, and haint got thru yet.
HOW TO PIK OUT A WIFE.
Find a girl that iz 19 years old last May, about the right hight, with a
blue eye, and dark-brown hair and white teeth.
Let the girl be good to look at, not too phond of musik, a firm
disbeleaver in ghosts, and one ov six children in the same family.
Look well tew the karakter ov her father; see that he is not the member
ov enny klub, don’t bet on elekshuns, and gits shaved at least 3 times a
week.
Find out all about her mother, see if she haz got a heap ov good common
sense, studdy well her likes and dislikes, eat sum ov her hum-made bread
and apple dumplins, notiss whether she abuzes all ov her nabors, and
don’t fail tew observe whether her dresses are last year’s ones fixt
over.
If you are satisfied that the mother would make the right kind ov a
mother-in-law, yu kan safely konklude that the dauter would make the
right kind of a wife.
After theze prelimenarys are all settled, and yu have done a reazonable
amount ov sparking, ask the yung lady for her heart and hand, and if she
refuses, yu kan konsider yourself euchered.
If on the contrary, she should say yes, git married at once, without any
fuss and feathers, and proceed to take the chances.
[Illustration]
I say take the chances, for thare aint no resipee for a perfekt wife,
enny more than thare iz for a perfekt husband.
Thare iz just az menny good wifes az thare iz good husbands, and i never
knew two people, married or single, who were determined tew make
themselfs agreeable to each other, but what they suckceeded.
Name yure oldest boy sum good stout name, not after sum hero, but should
the first boy be a girl, i ask it az a favour to me that yu kaul her
Rebekker.
I do want sum ov them good, old-fashioned, tuff girl names revived and
extended.
HOW TEW PIK OUT A WATERMELLON.
Sumtime about the 20th ov August, more or less, when the moon iz
entering her seckond quarter, and the old kitchen klock haz struk twelve
midnite, git up and dres yureself, without making enny noize, and leave
the hous bi the bak door, and step lightly akross the yard, out into the
hiway, and turn tew yure right.
After going about haff a mile, take your fust left hand road, and when
yu cum tew a bridge, cross it, and go thru a pair ov bars on the right,
walk about two hundred yards in a south-east direckshun, and yu will cum
suddenly on a watermellon patch.
Pik out a good, dark-colored one, with the skin a leetle ruffish; be
kareful not to injure enny ov the vines by stepping on them; shoulder
the watermellon, and retrace yure steps, walking about twice az fast az
yu did when yu cum out.
Once in a while look over yure shoulder too see if the moon is all
right. When yu reach hum, bury the watermellon in the ha mow and slip
into bed, just as tho nothing had happened.
This is an old-fashioned, time-honored way, tew pik out a good
watermellon, just the way our fathers and grandfathers did it.
After yu hav et the watermellon tare up the resipee.
I am not anxious tew hav this resipee preserved, but i dont want it
forgotten.
One watermellon during yure life is enuff to pik out in this way.
Dont do it but jist once, and then be kind ov sorry for it afterwards.
Menny people will wonder and worry whare the moral cums in, in this
sketch, and it is hard tew tell; but i will venture to say that thare
aint a prominent moralist in Amerika but has picked out his watermellon
by this resipee, sumtime during his life, and will tell you that he
remembers favourably the spirit ov adventure that promted the
undertaking, and never kan forgit the sober sense ov shame that followed
it.
HOW TEW PIK OUT A DOG.
Dogs are gitting dredful skase, and if yu dont pik one out putty soon,
it will be forever too late.
I hav written during my yunger days, when I knu a good deal more than i
do now, or ever shal kno agin, an essa onto dogs, and in that essa i
klaimed that the best kind ov a dog for all purposes for a man tew hav
was a wodden dog.
The experience ov years don’t seem tew change mi opinyun, and i now, az
then, reckomend the wodden dog.
Dogs, az a genral thing, are ornamental, and the wodden dog kan be made
hily so, after enny pattern or desighn that a kultivated taste may
suggest.
If the wodden dog iz made with the bark on, so mutch the better; for we
are told bi thoze who studdy sich things that dogs which bark never
bight.
Wodden dogs never stra away three or four times a year, like flesh and
blood dogs do, and don’t kost 5 or 10 dollars reward each time tew make
them cam bak hum agin.
Wodden dogs don’t hav the old hydrophobiskiousness; neither are they
running round, and round, and round, and round after them selfs, trieing
tew ketch up with a wicked flea, who iz bizzily engaged knawing away at
the dog’s--continuashun.
Thare ain’t no better watch dog in the world than the wodden one. Yu set
them tew watching enny thing, they will watch it for 3 years, and they
aint krazy, and want tew jump thru a window in a minnit, if they just
happen tew hear a boy out in the streets whissling “_Yankee Doodle_” or
“_Sally Cum Up_.”
Wodden dogs won’t stretch themselfs out in front ov the fire place,
taking up all the hot room, nor they won’t fly at a harmless old beggar
man, who only wants a krust, and tare him all tew little bits in a
minnitt.
If yu want tew pik out a good dog, pik out a wodden one, they range in
price, all the way from 10 cents tew a dollar ackording tew the lumber
in them, old age don’t make them kross and useless, and if they do
happen tew loze, a hed, or a leg, in sum skrimmage, a dose ov Spaldings
glu, taken at night, jist before they retire will fetch them out all
strait, in the morning.
HOW TEW PIK OUT A KAT.
The hardest thing, in every day life, iz tew pik out a good kat, not
bekause kats are so skase, az bekauze they are so plenty.
If thare want but 2 kats on earth, thare wouldn’t be no trouble, yu
would pik one and the other phellow would pik one, and that would end
the contest.
To pik out a good kat, one that will tend tew bizzness and not
astronomize nights, nor praktiss operatik strains, iz an evidence ov
genius.
I don’t luv kats enuff tew pik one out enny how, but i have picked a
kitten out ov a swill barrel before now with a pair of tongs, just tew
save life.
Color iz no kriterion ov kats, i hav seen dredful mean kats ov all
colors.
Kats with blue eyes, and very long whiskers, with the points ov their
ears a leetle rounded are not to be trusted they will steal yung
chickens, and hook kream oph from the milk pans, every good chanse they
kan git.
Kats with gra eyes, very short whiskers, and four white toes, are the
best kats thare iz to lay in front ov the kitchen stove all day, and be
stepped on their tail, every fu minnitts.
Kats with blak eyes, no whiskers at all, and sharp pointed ears, are
liabel tew phitts.
Picking out good kats haz alwus bin a mighty cluss transackshun from the
fust begining, the best way haz alwus ben tew take them without enny
picking, jist az they cum, and let them go, jist az they cum.
LOST ARTS.
Sum ov our best and most energetick quill jerkers, hav writ essays on
the “Lost Arts,” and hav did comparatiffly well, but they hav overlooked
several ov the missing artikles whitch i take the liberty, (in a strikly
confidenshall way) tew draw their attenshun to.
“_Pumpkin Pi._”--This delitesum work ov art _iz_, (or rather _was_) a
triumphant conglomerashun ov baked doe, and biled pumpkin.
It waz diskovered during the old ov the moon, in the year 1680, by
Angelica, the notable wife ov Rhehoboam Beecher, then residing in the
rural town ov Nu Guilford, State of Connekticut, but since departed this
life, aged 84 years, 3 months, 6 daze 5 hours, and 15 minnitts.
Peace tew her dust.
This pi, immejiately after its discovery bi Angelica, proceeded into
general use, and waz the boss pi, for over a hundred years.
In the year 1833 it was totaly lorst.
This pi hain’t bin herd from since. Large rewards hav bin offered for
its recovery by the Govenor ov Connekticut, but it haz undoubtedly fled
forever.
Sum poor imitashuns ov the blessed old original pi are loafing around,
but pumpkin pi az it waz, (with nutmeg in it) is no more.
“_Rum and Tansy._”--Good old Nu England rum with tanzy bruized in it,
waz known to our ancients, and drank by the deacons and the elders ov
our churches, a century ago.
It iz now one ov the lost arts.
A haff a pint ov this glorious old mixtur upon gitting out ov bed in the
morning, then a haff a pint jist before sitting down tew breakfast, then
thru the day, at stated intervals, a haff a pint ov it, and sum more ov
it just before retiring at nite, iz wat enabled our fourfathers tew
shake oph the yoke ov grate brittain, and gave the Amerikan eagle the
majestik tred and thundering big bak bone, which he used tew hav. But,
alass! oh, alass! we once had spirits ov just men made perfek, but we
hav now, (o alass!) spirits ov the dam.
One half-pint ov the present prevailing rum would ruin a deacon in
twenty minitts.
Farewell, good old nu England rum, with some tanzy in yer, thou hast
gone! yest, thou hast gone tew that bourn from which no good spirits
cums back.
“_Rum, reguiescat, et liquorissimus._”
* * * * *
“_Arly to bed, and arly to rize._”
When our ancestors landed on Plimoth Rok out ov the Mayflower, and stood
in front ov the grate lanskape spred out before them, reaching from the
boisterious Atlantik to the buzzum ov the plaintive Pacifick, they
brought with them, among other tools, the art ov gitting up in the
morning and going tew bed at nite in decent seazon.
This art they was az familiar to them, az codfish for brekfast.
They knu it bi heart.
It waz the eleventh command in their katekism.
They taut it tew their children, their yung men and maidens, and if a
yung one waz enny ways slow about larning it he waz invited out to the
korn-krib, and thare the art waz explained tew him, so that he got hold
ov the idee for ever and amen.
I am sorry to say that this art iz now lost, or missing.
What a loss waz here, my countrymen!
I pauze for a reply.
Not a word do I hear.
Silence iz its epitaph.
Perhaps some profane and unthinking cuss will exklaim--“_Let her rip!_”
Arly tew bed and arly tew rize, is either a thing of the past or a thing
that ain’t cum--it certainly don’t exist in theze parts now.
It haz not only gone itself, but it haz took oph a whole lot ov good
things with it.
This art will positively never be diskovered agin; it waz the child ov
innocense and vigor, and this breed ov children are like the babes in
the wood, and deserted bi their unkle.
“_Honesty._”--Honesty iz one ov the arts and sciences.
Learned men will tell you that the abuv assershun iz one ov Josh
Billings infernal lies, and yer hav a perfekt rite tew believe them, but
i don’t.
Honesty iz jist az much an art az politeness iz, and never waz born with
a man enny more than the capacity to spell the word Nebuddkenozzer right
the first time waz.
It took me seven years to master this word, and i and Noer Webster both
disagree about the right way now.
Sum men are natrally more addikted tew honesty than others, jist az sum
hav a better ear for musik, and larn how tew hoist and lower the 8
notes, more completely than the next man.
Honesty iz one ov the lost or mislaid arts--thare may be excepshuns tew
this rule, but the learned men all agree that “excepshuns prove the
rule.”
The only doubts i hav about this matter iz tew lokate the time very
cluss, when honesty waz fust lost.
When Adam in the garden of Eden waz asked, “_Whare art thou Adam_” and
afterwards explained hiz abscence by saying, “_I, waz afraid_” iz az far
back az I hav bin able tew trace the fust indikashuns ov weakness in
this grand and nobel art.
I shouldn’t be suprized if this art never waz fully recovered again
during mi day.
I aint so anxious about it on mi own ackount, for i kan manage tew worry
along sumhow without it, but what iz a going tew bekum ov the grate mass
ov suffering humanity?
This iz a question that racks mi simpathetick buzzum!
HINTS TO COMIK LEKTURERS.
Comic lekturing iz an unkommon pesky thing to do.
It iz more unsarting than the rat ketching bizzness az a means ov grace,
or az a means ov livelyhood.
Most enny boddy thinks thev kan do it, and this iz jist what makes it so
bothersum tew do.
When it iz did jist enuff, it iz a terifick success, but when it iz
overdid, it iz like a burnt slapjax, very impertinent.
Thare aint but phew good judges ov humor, and they all differ about it.
If a lekturer trys tew be phunny, he iz like a hoss trying to trot
backwards, pretty apt tew trod on himself.
[Illustration: COMIK LEKTURE.]
Humor must fall out ov a mans mouth, like musik out ov a bobalink, or
like a yung bird out ov its nest, when it iz feathered enuff to fly.
Whenever a man haz made up hiz mind that he iz a wit, then he iz
mistaken without remedy, but whenever the publick haz made up their mind
that he haz got the disease, then he haz got it sure.
Individuals never git this thing right, the publik never git it wrong.
The publik never cheat themselfs, nor other folks, when they weigh out
glory.
Thare iz jist 16 ounces in a pound ov glory, and no more, that is, by
the publiks steelyards.
Humor iz wit with a roosters tail feathers stuck in its cap, and wit iz
wisdom in tight harness.
No man kan be a helthy phool unless he haz nussed at the brest ov
wisdom.
Thoze who fail in the comik bizzness are them who hav bin put out to
nuss, or bin fetched up on a bottle.
If a man iz a genuine humorist, he iz superior tew the bulk ov hiz
aujience, and will often times hav tew take hiz pay for hiz services in
thinking so.
Altho fun iz designed for the millyun, and ethiks for the few, it iz az
true az molasses, that most all aujiences hav their bell wethers, people
who show the others the crack whare the joke cums laffing in.
I hav known popular aujences deprived ov all plezzure during the recital
ov a comik lektur, just bekauze the right man, or the right woman, want
thare tew point out the mellow places.
The man who iz anxious tew git before an aujience, with what he calls a
comik lektur, ought tew be put immediately in the stocks, so that he
kant do it, for he iz a dangerous person tew git loose, and will do sum
damage.
It iz a very pleazant bizzness tew make people laff, but thare iz mutch
odds whether they laff _at you_, or laff at _what yu say_.
When a man laffs at _yu_, he duz it because it makes him feel superior
to you, but when yu pleaze him with what yu have uttered, he admits that
yu are superior tew him.
The only reazon whi a monkey alwus kreates a sensashun whareever he
goes, is simply bekauze--he is a monkey.
Everyboddy feels az tho they had a right tew criticize a comik lectur,
and most ov them do it jist az a mule criticizes things, by shutting up
both eyes and letting drive with hiz two behind leggs.
Humor haz but phew rules tew be judged by, and they are so delikate that
none but the most delikate kan define them.
It is dredful arbitrary tew ask a man tew laff who don’t feel the itch
ov it.
One ov the meanest things in the comik lektring employment that a man
haz to do, iz tew try and make that large class ov hiz aujience laff
whom the Lord never intended should laff.
Thare iz sum who laff az eazy and az natral az the birds do, but most ov
mankind laff like a hand organ--if yu expect tew git a lively tune out
ov it yu hav got tew grind for it.
In delivering a comik lektur it iz a good general rule to stop sudden,
sometime before yu git through. This enables the aujience, if they hav
had enuff, tew be satisfied with what they hav had, and if they want
enny more, it enables them to hanker for it.
I know it iz dredful tuff, when a man iz on one end ov a stick ov
molasses kandy, tew quit till he gits clean through; but he musn’t
forgit that hiz aujience may not be so sweet on molassiss kandy az he
iz.
I hav got a very lonesum opinyun ov the comik lektring bizziness, and if
I waz well shut ov it, and knu how tew git an honest living at ennything
else, (except opening clams, and keeping a districkt skool,) i would
quit tommorrow, and either trade oph mi liktur for a grindstone, or sell
it to the proprietors ov sum insane hospital, to quiet their pashunts
with.
I dont urge ennyboddy tew cultivate the comik lektring, but if they feel
phull ov something, they kan’t tell what, that bites, and makes them
feel ridikilous, so that they kan’t even saw wood without laffing tew
themselfs all the time, i suppose they hav got the fun ailment in their
bones, and had better let it leak out in the shape ov a lektur.
But i advise all such persons to pitty themselfs, and when they lay a
warm joke, not tew akt az a hen doth when she haz uttered an egg, but
look sorry, and let sum one else do the cackling.
If i had a boy who showed enny strong marks ov being a comik critter, if
i couldn’t get it out ov him enny other way, i would jine him to the
Shakers, and make him weed onions for three years, just for fun.
FASHION--FURY--FELLOW--FUN--FUSS--FLUNKY--FRETS--FITS--FINIS.
FASHION.
Fashion is a goddess.
She iz ov the maskuline, feminine and nuter gender.
Men worship her in her maskuline form--wimmin in her feminine form, and
the excentricks in her nuter gender.
She rules the world with a straw, and makes all her suppliants.
[Illustration]
She enslaves the poor az well az the ritch, she kneels in sanktuarys,
pomps in cabins, and leers at the street korners.
She fits man’s foot with a pinching boot, throttles him with a stubborn
collar, and dies his mustash with darkness.
She trails the ritch silks ov wimmin along the filthy sidewalks, leads
sore-eyed lap-dogs with a string, and banishes helpless children to
murky nurserys, in the kare ov faithless hirelings.
She cheats the excentric with the clap-trap of fredom, and makes him
serve her in the habiliments ov the harlequin.
Yea, verily.
FUN.
Fun is the soul’s vent.
Fun iz whare the kruditys eskape, where she kiks up her heels, and runs
snorting around the lot, unhaltered, and az eager az an eskaped konvikt.
Fun iz a safety-valve that lets the steam preshure oph from the biler,
and keeps things from bussting.
Fun iz the dansing particles, which fli oph from the surface ov
unbottled cider, it iz the senseless frolik ov the spring lam in the
clover, it iz the merry twinkle that kreeps down tew the korner ov the
parson’s eye, to stand in the sunlite, and see what’s going on.
Fun iz az karliss az a kolt, az happy az a bridegroom, and az silly az a
luv-sik skool-girl.
Fun iz the holy day wisdum ov the sage, the phools pholly, and
everyboddys puppet.
Next tew the virtew in this world, the _fun_ in it iz what we kan least
spare.
Truly! O! truly!
FRET.
Fret iz a kanker, a gangreene, a blister, a bile, salt on a sore place,
and a sliver everywhare.
Fret iz frickshun, a dull lancet, a gimblet.
Fret makes a yung man ackt like an old one, and an old man ackt like a
yung one.
Fret iz a grind stun, whare he holds hiz noze on, haz tew do hiz own
turning.
Fret haz burnt more holes thru a man’s koppers that all the other hot
things, it haz killed az often az the doktors hav, and iz az lawless,
and senseless, az a goose.
Fret makes the husband a tyrant, the wife a plague, the child a
nuisance, an old maid terrible, and a bachelor disgusting.
Fret makes home a prizon, and puts teeth into the gums ov all life’s
misfortunes.
I bet! thou bet! he, she, or it, bets!
FURY.
Fury iz the tornado ov the inner man, a thunder shower, a blak kloud
phull ov litening, a tiger out ov hiz kage, a maniak armed, a bull in
fli time.
Fury knows no law only its strength, like a rocket, it whizzes till it
busts, and when it haz bust, like a rocket, it iz but a senseless and
burnt reed.
Fury iz the argument ov tyrants, and the revenge ov the embecile, the
courage ov the kat, and the glowing embers ov dispair.
Fury makes the hornet respektabel, and the pissmire a laffing stok, it
makes the eagle allmoste human, and clothes the little wren, battling
for her brood, with a halo sublime.
Indeed! indeed!
FITS.
Fits are the moral tumblings ov man’s natur, the bak summersets ov hiz
disposishun, the flying trapez ov the kritter himself.
Fits prompt him tew klimb a greast pole, tew fite a wind mill at short
range, to go too near a mule’s heels, and to make a kussid phool ov
himself generally.
Fits taketh a man bi the end ov hiz noze, and leadeth him into bak lots.
Fits hav no conshience, and no judgment.
Fits jerk a man from the path ov duty, they knok him krazy at noontime,
they seize him at twilite, and twist him arly in the morning.
Sum men, and sum wimmen, are good only in fits, and bad only in fits,
when they haint got a fit they are unfit for ennything.
Yes, i think so.
FUSS.
Fuss iz like an old setting hen when she cums oph from her nest.
Fuss iz like kold water dropt into hot grease--it sputters, and
sputters, and then sputters agin.
Fuss iz haff-sister to Hurry, and neither ov them kant do enny thing
without gitting in their own way and stepping on themselfs.
Thare iz more fuss in this world than thare iz hurry, and thare iz a
thousand times more ov either ov them than thare iz ov dispatch.
Fuss works hard all day, and don’t do enny thing, goes to bed tired at
night, then gits up next morning, and begins agin whare she left oph.
Oh, dear! whi iz this sutch.
FELLOW.
A fellow iz like a bottle ov ginger pop that haz stood six hours with
the kork out, in a warm room--it ain’t ginger nor it ain’t pop.
A fellow iz a hybrid; he hain’t got enny more karakter than a drizzly
day haz, he iz every boddy’s cuzzin, and hangs around like a lost dog.
He iz often clever, and that iz jist what ruins him. A clever phellow iz
wuss oph than a mulatto.
I am sorry for this--i am aktually sad.
FLUNKEY.
Flunkeys are just abuv loafers, and just belo fellows.
They ain’t maskuline, feminine, nor nuter--they are just human dough.
They hav the currage ov a spring chicken, the ferocity ov a kricket, the
combativness ov a grasshopper, and the bakbone ov an angleworm.
They are human dough made to order, and baked az yu choose.
Ain’t it orful?
FINIS.
Finis iz the end ov all things--the happyest place in the whole job.
All things on arth hav an end to them, and i kant think ov but phew
things now that hain’t got two.
A ladder haz two ends to it, and the surest way tew git to the top ov it
iz tew begin at the bottom.
Finis iz the best and only friend that menny a man in this world ever
haz, and sum day Finis will be the autokrat ov the universe.
Bully for yu, Finis.
{ANIMATED NATUR.}
THE NU FOUNDLAND AND THE TARRIER.
Dogs are one ov the luxurys ov civilizashun.
In uncivilized life they perhaps are more one ov the necessitys, az they
quite often are cooked, and eaten whole.
Among the civilized, if they ever do git onto a bill ov fare, (ov which
i have mi own private doubts,) they are more artisktly handled, and
enter into hash, or sassage, not az the leading artikle, but more tew
kreate a good average.
But i am not now disposed to treat ov dogs az vittles, but as the
companyun ov man, hiz pet, and hiz partner.
The Nu foundland dog iz a natiff ov the place whare the nobel kodfish iz
kaught.
He dont liv in the water, like the kodfish, but unlike the kodfish, livs
on the land.
Hiz principal amuzement iz saving life, and i am told that thare iz
hardly a man, or a woman, in all Nu foundland, but what haz had their
lives saved several times by these wonderful dogs.
They are taken from Nu foundland to various parts ov the world, and are
kept for the purpose ov dragging the drowning from a watery grave.
Yu will find them in mountaneous countrys, whare thare aint enny water,
but little brooks. Here they dont hav mutch to do, in their line ov
bizzness, and git verry fatt.
But i am told, that even here, they dont forget their natur, and kan
often be seen looking down into the wells, after drowning men.
This shows the grate power ov instinkt, and the force ov bizzness
habits, alwus looking for a job.
I never hav had mi life saved by one ov theze nobel kritters, but am
reddy tew hav it done, at enny time, at the usual rates.
Life iz sweet, and it iz cheaper tew hav it saved by a dog than by a
doktor.
But these dogs are all hydropaths, and thare iz sum pholks so kussid
sentimental that they had rather die than be doktered bi ennything else
than an old skool allopath.
[Illustration]
I am just phool enuff, if I waz in the pond, just at the pint ov deth on
ackount ov too mutch water, and thare waz a Nufoundland dog standing on
the shore out ov a job, I should let him handle the case, rather than
send four miles for a regular dokter.
I may be all wrong in this, but if the dog hauled me out all right, I
should hav time tew repent ov mi blunder, and next time send for a
physician with a diploma.
It iz never too late tew repent ov a blunder, not if you hav got plenty
ov time on hand that you don’t kno what to do with.
I never hav owned a Nufoundland dog, but just az soon as i git able tew
board one, without skrimping mi family, i mean to buy one, or borro one,
just for hiz board.
I don’t know ov ennything more magnificent than tew hav a grate
illustrious Nufoundland dog tew follow yu in a mountaneous country.
I liv at Pordunk (the home ov the Billings family) and Pordunk iz not a
wet place.
Thare iz sum good wells thare, and two grocerys, but the water
priviliges at Pordunk are used only az a beverage.
Thare iz only one Nufoundland dog now at Pordunk, and i think the town
would support two.
I don’t suppose i should hav work enuff tew keep one ov theze nobel
animals bizzy hauling drowning men out ov wells, but in the spring ov
the year, after the gardens waz made, i could lend him out tew the
nabors tew run in the gardens.
I don’t kno ov enny thing better tew keep the angleworms, and early
lettiss, and beets out ov a garden than a full-grown Nufoundland pup.
It iz nothing but phun tew giv them a kalf-skin boot, and turn them out
into a nu-made garden, and see them kick up their heels, stir up the
garden, and jerk the boot.
I am almoste krazy tew hav a Nufoundland dog.
THE RAT TARRIER.
Theze dear little pets ov the dog perswashun are natiffs ov the ile ov
Grate Brittain.
They are born there with grate precision and purity ov karakter, hav a
pedigree az klean az the queen’s, and as free from spots az a nu tin
dipper.
A rat tarrier who could ketch 97 rats a day, with a rust on his
pedigree, ain’t worth only haff az mutch in market az one with a pure
set ov ansestors, who couldn’t ketch only 43 rats.
It iz hard work for a kussed phool tew see this, but it takes edukashun
tew see theze things.
A man without edukashun kan stand out doors in a klear night and count
the moon, and he won’t see enny thing but a grate chunk ov light
sumthing bigger than a kartwheel.
But you let an edukated man stan out there by his side, and he kan see
turnpikes, and toll gates, and torch-lite proceshuns, and wimmin’s rites
convenshuns, and municipal rings, and koporashun thieving in it.
Edukashun iz bully.
The rat tarrier iz not so mutch dog, az a personal matter, az the
Nufoundland iz, but he haz more grit to the square inch.
Just so the hornet haz got more sting tew them than a shanghi pullet
haz, and an angleworm haz more grit in them than an hanakonda haz. Natur
bosses these jobs, and natur never underlets a kontract. There is one
thing I alwus did like natur for, she don’t take the trouble tew
explain. She don’t object tew persons asking questions, and guessing at
things, but if enny boddy asks her whi a frog kan jump further at one
highst than a tud kan, she tells the phellow (if she tells him
ennything) never tew bet on the tud, unless he wants tew looze his
munny.
I never hav had the happiness yet to own a rat tarrier even, in fakt i
hav allus been poor, and haven’t been beforehanded enuff yet tew own a
dog.
I mean sum time tew hav a rat tarrier, and then I suppoze, to enjoy
myself, I shall have tew git sum rats. This iz the way with all the
luxurys ov life, one luxury makes another one necessary. Thar iz one
thing certain, if i ever do own a Nufoundland, or rat tarrier, they hav
got tew be thorobred. I must kno all ov their relashuns, inkluding their
mother-in-law, and if thare iz a blot on thur reputashun, as big as a
fli spek, the dog wont sute me.
I must hav the pedigree all rite, if the dog aint wuth a kuss.
THE MONKEY.
The monkey iz a human being, a little undersised, kivvered with hair,
hitched to a tail, and filled with the devil.
Naturalists will tell you, if you ask them, that i am mistaken, that i
mean well enuff, and don’t mean tew deceive ennybody, but the monkey iz
not a human being, he iz simply a pun on humanity, a kind of malishus
joke ov Jupiter’s, a libel, with a long tail tew it, a misterious mixtur
ov ludikrous mischief, and stale humor, a kind of pacing hobbyhoss, or
connekting gang-plank, between man in his dignity and the beast in his
darkness.
I hav a hi opinyun ov the naturalist, and all kinds ov the dictionary
fraternity, and touch mi hat tew them, when we meet, and i respect them
for what they know, but don’t worship them for what they don’t know, as
the heathens do, their wodden gods.
I don’t kare what the philosophers say they kan prove in this matter, i
tell you confidenshally, mi christian friend, that you and the monkey,
are relashuns.
I don’t pretend tew say that you are brothers and sisters, but i do
pretend tew state, that monkeys, or enny other kind ov critters, who
exercise reason, even if the light ov it, is dim az a number six dip
candle, in the rays ov the noon day sun, are our relashuns, for a
certain amount.
The only fence between the animal and brute folks, iz instinkt and
reason, and if the natralist kant prove that the monkey don’t show a
single glimmering ov reason, i say he must step oph from the monkey’s
tail, and let him eat at the fust table.
The monkey iz imitative tew the highest degree, and imitashun iz a
direkt transgreshun ov the law ov instinkt, and iz fallow ground within
the domain of reazon.
Instinkt don’t step one single step aside, tew smell ov a flower or pull
a cat’s tail.
But argument ain’t mi fighting weight, i git along the best by asserting
things az they strike me, and i say upwards ov four thousand things
every year, that i kant prove, enny more than i kan prove what melody
iz.
The naturalist may hav their own way, but they kant hav mine, what
little i know about things haz bin whispered tew me by the spirits, or
some other romping critters, and is az distinkt and butiful, sumtimes to
me, as a dream on an empty stummuk; it may be all wrong but it never iz
viscious, and thus i konklude it iz edukashun.
Now i don’t advise ennybody else tew depend for their learning upon sich
prekarious school masters, the best way iz tew follow the ruts, it will
take you to town just az it did yure daddy.
The route that i travel iz cirkuitus and blind sometimes, it haz now and
then a vista, or a landscape in it, that iz worth, tew me, more than a
farm ov tillable land, but you kant raize good white beans on a
landskape.
Whenever i drop mi subject, and begin tew strut in the subburbs ov
sentimentility and proverbial pomposity, i alwus think ov a gobble
turkey, in a barn-yard, on dress parade, and that is jist what i am
thinking ov now, and therefore i will dismount from the turkey, and git
aboard the monkey, (the monkey az he am) once more.
Pure deviltry iz the monkeys right bower; he iz only valuable, (az
personal property) tew look at, and wonder what he iz a going tew do
next.
He iz a jack at all trades, put him in a barber shop, he will lather,
and try tew shave himself, and color his mustash, put him in a dri good
store, and he will handle more goods, than the best retail clerk in A.
T. Stewart’s employ.
The monkey haz not got a logikal head, it iz tew mutch like a pin hed,
all in a heap to onst, but hiz face is a concentrated dew drop of
malishus mischief.
He resembles the rat tarrier in countenance, and skratches hiz hed, az
natral az a distrikt skool boy, and undoubtedly for the same reason.
Monkeys never grow enny older in expreshun, a yung monkey looks just
like his grandpapa, melted up and born again.
They are sometimes kept as pets, but i should rather watch two adopted
orphan boys, fresh from the Home of the Friendless, than two monkeys.
They will eat everything that a man will, except bolony sarsage, here
they show more instinkt, than reason.
But after all, tho the monkey shows evident sighns ov reazon, they are,
az a means ov praktikal grace, the most useless kritters i hav ever
pondered over and skratched mi head about.
They won’t work, and they won’t play, unless they kan raize sum devil,
they are too mutch like a human being in looks, and actions to kill off,
it is impossible tew gaze at one and git mad at him, and it iz
impossible tew laff at their smirking santanity, without getting mad at
yureself.
If enny boddy should make me a present ov a monkey, i don’t know now,
whether i should konsider it intended for malice, or a joke, but i do
know, that i should send him back bi the same person that fetched him,
tew the donor, marked in loud italicks--_C. O. D._
In conklusion; thare iz only one thing that i have a grate supply ov
doubt about, in reference tew the monkey, and that iz his moral stamina,
while in the garden ov Eden, with the rest ov the critters, previous tew
the time that Adam fell;--was he strickly on the square, or was he just
az full ov the devil az he is now?
An answer tew the above konumdrum iz earnestly solicited.
THE PISSMIRE.
The pissmire iz about 19 sizes bigger than the ant, aktual meazurement,
and iz a kind ov bizzy loafer among bugs.
They are like sum men, alwus very bizzy about sumthing, but what it iz,
the Lord only knows.
I never see a pissmire yet that wasn’t on the travel, but i hav watched
them all day long, and never see them git tew the place they started
for.
Just before a hard shower they are in the biggest hurry, they seem tew
postpone every thing for that ockashun.
Thar iz a grate difference between hurry and dispatch, but pissmires
dont seem to understand the difference.
If pissmires would go slower I should like them better, for i dont know
ov ennything more unpleasant to view, than an aktive loafer.
A pissmire iz like a boys wind mill, on the gable end ov a smoke house,
in a gale, the faster it goze round, the less common sense thare seems
tew be in it.
If pissmires haint got a destiny ov sum kind tew fill they wear out more
shu leather than thare iz enny religion in.
THE POLE KAT.
My friend, did yu ever examin the fragrant pole kat clussly? I guess
not, they are a kritter who won’t bear examining with a microskope.
They are butiful beings, but oh! how deceptive.
Their habits are phew, but unique.
They bild their houses out ov earth and the houses hav but one door tew
them, and that iz a front door.
When they enter their houses they don’t shut the door after them.
[Illustration]
They are called pole kats bekause it iz not convenient tew kill them
with a klub, but with a pole, and the longer the pole the more
convenient.
Writers on natural history, dissagree about the right length ov the pole
tew be used, but i would suggest, that the pole be about 365 feet,
espeshily if the wind iz in favor ov the pole kat.
When a pole kat iz suddenly walloped with a long pole, the fust thing
he, she, or it duz, iz tew embalm the air, for menny miles in diameter,
with an akrlmonious olifaktory refreshment, which permeates the ethereal
fluid, with an entirely original smell.
This smell iz less popular, in the fashionable world, than lubins
extrakt, but the day may cum when it will be bottled up like musk, and
sold for 87 1-2 cents per bottle; bottles small at that.
A pole kat will remove the filling from a hens egg, without braking a
hole in the shell, bigger than a marrow fat pea.
How this iz did historians hav left us to doubt.
This iz vulgarily called “surking eggs.”
This iz an accomplishment known amung humans, which it iz sed, they hav
learnt from the pole kats.
Pole kats also deal in chickens, yung turkeys, and yung goslins.
They won’t tutch an old goose, they are sound on that question.
Man iz the only phellow who will attempt tew bight into an old goose,
and his teeth fly oph a grate menny times before he loosens enny ov the
meat.
A pole kat travels under an alias, which is called _skunk_. Thare iz a
grate menny _aliases_ that thare iz no accounting for, and this iz one
ov them.
I hav kaught skunks in a trap. They are eazier tew git into a trap than
tew git out ov it.
In taking them out ov a trap grate judgment must be had not tew shake
them up; the more yu shake them up the more ambrosial they am.
One pole kat in a township is enuff, espeshily if the wind changes once
in a while.
A pole kat skin iz wuth 2 dollars, in market, after it iz skinned, but
it iz wuth 3 dollars and fifty cents tew skin him.
This iz one way tew make 12 shillings in a wet day.
THE WEAZEL.
The weazel haz an eye like a hawk, and a tooth like a pickerel.
They kan see on all three sides of a right angle tri angle board fence,
at once, and kan bite thru a side ov sole leather.
They alwus sleep with one eye open, and the other on the wink, and are
quicker than spirits ov turpentine, and a lighted match.
It iz no disgrace for a streak ov litening tew strike at a weazel and
miss him.
If I owned a weazel, litening mite strike at him all day for 50 cents a
clap.
I hav tried tew kill them in a stun wall with a rifle, but they would
dodge the ball, when it got within six inches ov them, and stick their
heads out ov another krack, three feet further oph.
They are the hardest kritter amung the small game tew ketch or tew kill,
yu kant coax one into a trap, and keep him thare, enny more than yu
could ketch a ray of light, with a knot hole.
Weazles are skarse, but the supply alwus equals the demand, they aint
useful only for one thing, and that iz, too kill chickens.
They will kill 14 chickens in one night, and take off the blood with
them, leaving the corpse behind.
I hunted 3 weeks for a weazle once (it iz now six years ago), and knu
just whare he waz all the the time, and hain’t got him yet.
I offered 10 dollars reward for him, and hold the stakes yet.
Every boy in that naborhood waz after that weazle nite and day, and I
had tew withdraw the reward to keep from breaking up the distrikt skool.
The skoolmaster threatened tew su me if i didn’t, and i did it, for i
hate a law suit rather wuss than i do a weazle.
A weazle’s skin, wore on the neck, it iz sed, will kure the quinsy sore
thrut, but the phellow who sed this had a sure thing; he knu nobody
could ketch the weazle.
I waz told, when i waz a boy, by a cunning cuss, that the way tew ketch
a crow waz tew put sum salt on hiz tail. I prakticed all one summer on
this, but never got sum crow.
I hav did things az foolish az this since i hav quit being a boy, but
prefer tew keep mum what they are.
Weazles hav got no wisdum, but hav got what iz sumtimes mistaken for it,
they hav got cunning.
Cunning stands in the same relashun tew wisdum that a tadpole duz tew a
frog, he may git tew be a frog if he keeps on growing, but he aint one
now.
Wisdum knows how tew jump, but about the best thing that cunning can do
iz tew wiggle.
I hav saw cunning men who thought they waz wize, but i never saw a wise
man who thought he waz cunning.
ANGLE WORMS.
Are ov arth, arthy, and crawl for a living. They liv in ritch ground;
ground that won’t raize angle-worms won’t raize ennything else, and
whare angle-worms rejoice, corn iz sure to be bully. If yu want yure
angleworms ov enny size, yu must manure yure sile. There aint nothing on
arth more miserable tew ponder over and weep about than a half starved
angle-worm. Angleworms are a sure crop on good sile, and handy tew hoe,
for they plant and harvest themselfs. They don’t take up mutch room in
the ground, and are az kind tew childen az a piece ov red tape.
It iz sed by the naturalists that angle worm ile, rubbed on the rear ov
the neck, will kure a man ov the lies. I don’t beleave this, unless it
kills the man. Death iz the only reliable heal for lieing that has bin
diskovered yet.
When lieing gits into a man’s blood, the only way tew git it out, iz tew
drain him dry.
Angle worms are used az an artikle ov diet tew ketch fish with; they are
handy tew put onto a hook, and handy tew take oph, az enny boddy knows,
who haz straddled a saw log and fished for daice all day long Sunday in
a mill pond.
Old fishermen alwus carry their worms in their mouth.
Angle worms liv in a round hole, which they fit like a gimlet, and are
diffrent from aul other creeps that I kno ov, for they alwus back into
their holes.
Here the natral angle worm ends.
THE MOUSE.
Ever since natur waz diskovered, mice hav had a hole tew till.
Paradise, az good a job az it waz, would not hav bin thoroughly fitted
up without a mouse tew dart akross the bowers like a shaddo, and Eve
would never have knu how tew skream pretty without one ov these little
teachers.
Adam would never hav bin fit tew kontend with the job ov gitting a
living outside the garden if he hadn’t trapped suckcessfully for a
mouse.
Ketching a mouse iz the fust cunning thing that every man duz.
Mice are the epitome of shrewdness; their faces beam with sharp
praktiss; their little noses smell ov cunning, and their little
black-beaded eyes titter with pettit larceny.
They are az cheerful az the criket on the harth. I should be afrade tew
buy a house that hadn’t a mouse-hole in it.
I like tew see them shoot out ov their hole in the korner, like a wad
out ov a pop-gun, and stream akross the nursery, and to hear one nibble
in the wainscot, in the midst ov the night, takes the death out ov
silence.
Mice alwus move into a new house fust, and are there reddy tew receive
and welkum the rest ov the family.
They are more ornamental than useful, ackording to the best informashun
we hav az yet; but this iz the case with most things.
Mice cum into this world tew seek their fortune, four at a time, and lay
in their little kradles ov cotton or wool, like bits ov rare-dun meat,
for a month, with not a rag on them.
When they dine, they do it jist az a family ov yung piggs duz: each one
at their own particular spot at the table, and it is seldum that yu see
better-behaved boarders, or them that understand their bizzness more
thoroughly.
I hav seen them at their meals, and i will take mi oath that everything
iz orderly, and az strikly on the square, as a checker-board.
When mice hav reached their manhood, their tales are just the same
length az their boddys. This would seem at fust sight tew be a grate
waste ov tail.
The philosophik mind, ever at work, applying means tew ends, might be a
bigg phool enuff tew want to know whi a bob-tailed mouse wouldn’t be a
better finished job; but philosophy haz no bizzness tew alter things to
suit the market. It must take mouse-tails just az they cum, and either
glorify them, or shut up.
If there want ennybody in the natral philosophy trade, i hav thought it
would be jist as well for natur bekause a man, if he kant orthodox a
reason for the entire length ov a mouse’s tale iz often willing tew tell
hiz nabors that the whole critter iz a failure.
Sutch iz man; but a mouse iz a mouse.
The mouse kan live ennywhare tew advantage, except in a church. They
phatt very slow in a church. This goes tew show that they kant live on
religion enny more than a minister kan. Religion iz excellent for
digestion.
Thare aint a more prolifick thing on earth (prolifick ov fun i mean now)
than a mouse in a distrikt school-house. They are better than a
fire-cracker tew stir up a school-marm with, and are just the things tew
throw spellin books at when they are on the run.
One mouse will edukate a parcell ov yung ones more in ten minnitts
during school time than you can substrakt out ov their heds in three
days with Daballs arithmetik.
Now thare iz many folks who kant see enny thing to write about in a
mouse; but mice are full ov informashun. The only way that edukashun was
fust discovered waz bi going tew school to natur. Books, if they are
sound on the goose, are only natur in tipe.
A grate many kontend that a mouse iz a useless kritter; but kan they
prove it?
I am willing to give an opinyun that too menny mice might not pay; but
this applies to musketoze, elephants, and side-wheel steambotes.
A mouse’s tale iz az unhairy az a shustring. This iz another thing that
bothers the philosophers, and i aint agoing to explain it unless i am
paid for it.
I hav alreddy explained a grate menny things in the nuzepapers that i
never got a cent for.
There aint nothing on earth that will fit a hole so snug az a mouse
will. Yu would think they waz made on purpose for it, and they will fill
it quicker, too, than ennything i ever saw. If yu want to see a mouse
enter hiz hole, yu mustn’t wink. If do, yu will hav tew wait till next
time.
I luv mice. They seem tew belong to us.
Rats i dont luv. They lack refinement.
THE YALLER DOG.
Dogs hav infested this world just about az long az man haz, and will
hang around it, az long az thare is enny grizzle left on a bone.
We hav no reliable ackount ov the fust dog, and probably shant hav ov
the final one.
If Adam kept a tarrier, or Eve a poodle, the laps of ages hav washed
away the fakt.
If Noah had a pair ov each breed ov dogs, on board ov hiz vessell, and
only one pair ov fleas, he waz well ont for dogs, and poor ont for
fleas. But history iz numb on this subjekt.
Esaw waz a mity hunter, but whether he kept a houn, or followed the cent
himself, iz az ded, and departed to us, az the chirp ov the fust
reliable cricket.
We read that Esaw sold out hiz birth rite for soup, and menny wonder at
hiz extravegance, but Esaw diskovered arly, what menny a man haz
diskovered since, that it iz hard work tew live on a pedigree.
If i waz starving, I wouldn’t hesitate tew swap oph all the pedigree I
had, and all mi relashuns had, for a quart of pottage, and throw two
grate grandfathers into the bargain.
[Illustration]
But I don’t intend this essa for dogs in the lump, but for the
individual yellar dog himself.
The yellar dog haz no pedigree, the blood in hiz veins iz az krude az
petroleum, when it fust cums pumping out ov the earth, bitter, thick,
and fiery.
He iz long, and lazily put together, hiz ears flop when he shacks along
the dusty thoroughfare, and hiz tail iz a burden.
Thare iz no animashun in a yeller dog’s tail, it iz useless, the flies
aint even afraid ov it, it iz wus than a 10 per cent mortgage tew the
rest ov hiz boddy.
Whi the Yeller dog aint born diskounted, iz a mistery tew me, but when i
ask miself, “Whare would yu hitch the tin pan to,” then at once the
folly ov a bob tailed yeller dog, flashes on mi mind.
Ever since this kontinent waz found bi Christopher Columbus, in 1492,
and for what i kno, much time previous tew that, the Yeller dog haz been
a vagrant, travelling bi moon lite, and hungry bi natur.
Whare he cums from noboddy seems to know, and if yu speak a kind word
tew him, he thinks it a kite in disguise, and straddling hiz tail, with
both hind legs, he goes suspicious, and sideways, on his lonesum jurney.
Mankind hav made him a vagabond, and life to him iz made up ov
starvashun, and brickbats.
If he cums out ov hiz lurking place in the hot ov august, he iz a “_mad
dog_,” and the common council at once assemble, the riot act iz read, 50
dollars reward iz offered, men cum panting into town, crieing “_mad
dog_,” their two horse waggon waz bit that morning, bi a yaller dog, the
fury rages, old guns are kleaned up, the cannon iz run out on the
village green, dames talk to dames ov the awful event, men look sober
and defiant, boys pocket their marbles in the midst ov the game, pigs
run squealing tew their hovels, and the whole boddy politik surges with
horror.
The poor innocent whelp haz done hiz worst, and while a whole village iz
in the extacys ov hydrophobia he has passed on, and may be seen, tugging
away, in the subburbs, at the shin bone ov a departed omnibus hoss.
The yeller dog haz but one friend among men, and that iz the darkey.
A common misfortune links them together.
Why iz it, that the old negro, and hiz yeller dog, are vagabonds on the
face ov the earth?
Mans inhumanity iz wuss than the malice ov wild beasts.
A day ov reckoning will cum, a day ov judgment, and i kant tell but what
the yeller dog will be thare, a mute witness, and then, and thare, will
the grate problem be solved.
This wurld iz phull ov grate wrongs, and the next one will az certainly
be az phull ov grate retribushuns.
I kant endure the sight ov oppreshun, it disgraces mi manhood, if i had
money enuff i would like tew buy even all the yeller dogs thare iz now
on the buzzum ov the earth, and make them respekted and happy.
But i haint got the money, nor never shall hav, but az long az i hav
strength tew steer a gooze quill, and blood enuff in mi heart for ink, i
will bid mankind beware ov oppreshun, i dont kare whether it is in hi
places or low, the oppreshun ov caste, the oppreshun ov wealth, or even
the low, and degrading oppreshun, ov a tin pale, in hot pursuit, ov the
friendless, yelping, yeller dog.
Yeller dogs will sumtime, and sumwhare, hav their day, and when the huge
piles ov brikbats, and mountains ov old tin ware, cums into court, i
want tew be thare, for i am anxious tew know what the line ov defence
will be.
ROOSTERS.
Thare is not on the whole horizon or ov live natur a more pleazing and
strengthening studdy than the Rooster. This remarkable package of
feathers has bin for ages food for philosophik, as well as the simple
currious mind. They belong tew the feathered sekt denominated poultry,
and are the husbands of menny wives. In Utah it is konsidered a disgrace
tew speak disrespekful of a rooster. Brigham Young’s coat ov arms is a
rooster, in full blast, crowing till he is almost bent over double
backwards.
The flesh ov the rooster is very similar tew the flesh ov the hen; it is
hard tew distinguish the diffrence espeshily in yure soup. Roosters are
the pugilists amung the domestik burds; they wear the belt, and having
no shoulder tew strike from, they strike from the heel.
Roosters, according to profane history, if mi edukashun remembers me
right, were formerly a man, who come suddenly upon one ov the heathen
gods, at a time when he want prepared tew see company, and waz, fur that
offense, rebuilt over into the fust rooster, and waz forever afterward
destined to crow, as a kind ov warning. This change from a man akounts
for their fighting abilities, and for their politeness tew the hens.
Thare is nothing in a man that a woman admires more than his reddyness
and ability tew smash another fellow, and it iz jiss so with a hen. When
a rooster gits licked, the hens all march oph with the other rooster, if
he ain’t haff so big or handsome.
It iz pluck that wins a hen or a woman.
Thare iz grate variety ov pedigree amung the rooster race, but for
stiddy bizzness give me the old fash dominique rooster, short-legged,
and when they walk, they alwus strut, and their buzzums stick out, like
an alderman’s abdominal cupboard. This breed iz hawk-colored, and haz a
crooked tail on them, arched like a sickle, and az full ov feathers as a
new duster.
But when you come right down to grit, and throw all outside influences
overboard, thare aint nothing on earth, nor under it, that kan
out-style, out-step, out-brag, or out-pluck a regular Bantam rooster.
They alwus put me in mind ov a small dandy, prakticing before a
looking-glass.
They don’t weigh more than 30 ounces, but they make az mutch fuss az a
ton, i have seen them trieing tew pik a quarrel with a two hoss waggon,
and don’t think they would hesitate tew fight a meeting house, if it waz
the least bit sassy tew them.
It is more than fun tew hear one ov these little chevaliers crow, it iz
like a four-year old baby trieing tew sing a line out ov the Star
Spangled Banner.
The hen partner in this concern iz the most exquisit little boquet ov
neatness and feathers that the eye ever roosted on. They are az prim az
a premature yung lady. It is a luxury to watch their daintyness, tew see
them lay each feather with their bills, in its place, and preside over
themselfs with az mutch delikasy and pride az a belle before her mirror.
But the consumation iz tew see the wife a mother, leading out six little
chicks a bugging; six little chicks no bigger than bumbelbees.
It seems tew be necessary that there should be sumthing outrageous in
evrything, tew show us whare propriety ends and impropriety begins. This
iz melancholly, the case in the rooster affair, for we hav the shanghi
rooster, the gratest outrage, in mi opinyun, ever committed in the
annals ov poultry.
Theze kritters are the camels amung fowls, they mope around the
barnyard, tipping over the hay racks and stepping on the yung goslins,
and evry now and then they crow confusion.
If enny body should giv me a shanghi rooster i should halter him, and
keep him in a box stall, and feed him on cut feed, and if he would work
kind in harness, all right, if not, i would butcher him the fust wet day
that cum, and salt him down tew give tew the poor.
But thare ain’t noboddy a going tew giv me one ov this breed, knot if i
know it, i don’t think thare iz a man on earth mean enuff to do it.
Roosters do but very little household work, they wont lay enny eggs, nor
try tew hatch enny, nor see tew the yung ones; this satisfys me that
thare is sum truth in the mythologikal ackount ov the rooster’s fust
origin.
Yu kant git a rooster to pay enny attenshun tew a yung one, they spend
their time in crowing, strutting, and occassionly find a worm, which
they make a remarkabell fuss over, calling up their wifes from a
distance, apparently tew treat them, but just az the hens git thare,
this elegant and elaborate cuss bends over and gobbles up the morsel.
_Just like a man, for all the world._
THE FOX.
Of all the beasts who roam the hill tops, or clime the plains, thare is
none who makes so few blunders, and so many good hits as the fox.
His shewdness iz more than a match for the lion’s strength, his logick
iz more than a match for the malice ov the wolf and hiz politeness and
defference makes him the fop and gentleman ov the forest.
The fox is a literary cuss; he haz been the hero ov history, fable, and
song, from the fust dawn ov oral or written knowledge. He waz a genius
long before ackedemick honors flourished; he waz a poet, skoller and
sage before the days ov Homer and Herodotus, and now, in our times, he
is the Ben Butler ov diplomacy an the Brigham Young ov matrimony.
The fox is purely a game bird. It costs on an average fifty dollars tew
ketch him, and when he iz caught he aint worth more than ten shillings.
He follers no regular bizzness for sustenance, but livs on the chances
and on hiz wit.
He iz a fleshy-minded sinner, and hiz blandness iz too mutch for the
quaintness ov the goose, the melankolly reserve ov the turkey, or the
pompous rhetorick ov the rooster. They all kneel tew the logick of hiz
tounge, and find themselfs at rest in his stummuk.
He luvs lam & green peas, but will diskount the peas rather than lose
hiz dinner, and will go a mile and a half out ov his way to be polite to
a duck or a goslin.
But the most lively trait in the fox iz his cunning; he alwas pettyfogs
hiz own case, and wins a great deal oftener than he loses.
Foxes are not like men, kritters ov habit; they never do a thing twice
with the same figures, and often alter their mind before they do a thing
once. This is the effect of too mutch genius.
There iz this difference between genius and common sense in a fox:
Common sense iz governed bi circumstances, but circumstances iz governed
by genius.
The fox haz no moral honesty, but he haz got a grate supply ov politikal
honesty. If another fox in his parish wants a phatt goose, he will work
hard and get the goose for him, and then clean the meat all oph from the
outskirts ov the goose for pettyfogging the case, and giv him the bones,
and tell hiz politikal friend, with a smile in the left corner of his
eye, that “everything is lovely and the goose hangs high.”
[Illustration: A SLY FOX--THE MORE YOU PUT DOWN THE LESS YOU TAKE UP.]
Foxes have learnt this piety from watching the men git geese for each
other, and if animals don’t want their piety tew git sour, they must
keep away from the men week days. The fox is tew mutch ov a pollytician
to invest his religion in enny sich indigenous trash. He knows that
sosiety haz claims on him, and are indebted tew him for sum goose, and
expekt to be for several more. This iz a nobel trait in the fox, and
shows that he aint a child ov ingratitude.
Foxes cum out ov the ground, but whether they are made out ov dirt i
kant sware with much certainty. They cum out ov the ground through the
instrumentality ov a hole, but whether the hole begins at the surface
and runs into the mountain, or whether it begins in the mountain and
runs tew the surface, don’t make a kussid bit ov difference.
But philosophers hav argued about this hole bizzness for years. Sum ov
them say it runs in, and sum ov them be darned if it duz; and right here
we can see the amazing difference between the logick ov the philosophers
and the logick ov the fox. While they stand fiteing at the mouth ov the
hole, the fox iz stealing their ducks and goslins.
Foxes are like cunning men--they hav but few brains, and but a small
place tew keep them in, but what few they hav got are like angle worms
in hot water--full ov anxiety and mizery.
Cunning is a branding iron; the letters on it are small, but alwus
red-hot, and they read thus--Look out for the fox.
A YARN.--THE AUNT, AND THE GRASSHOPPER.
Once on a previous time, about four hundred thousand years ago, in the
old ov the moon, during a verry dry spell ov weather, just after a hard
frost, when grass butter waz skass, while venus was an evening star. An
old ant, who had lost awl ov her front teeth, and waz twisted with the
rhumatiz, and a pollypurse in her noze, sot in an eazy chair, near the
front door ov an aunt hill, superintendin a phatt kurnell ov wheat,
which the yung aunts were trieing tew git down cellar, into their house.
Jisst then along cum a loafing grasshopper, smoking a pipe, and singing,
“Begone dull care, i pray thee begone from me.”--and spieing the old
ant, giving orders tew the yung aunts, he stopt tew hav a talk with her.
“Good morning, old mother Industry, good morning!” sed the grassbug. “A
fine cernal ov wheat that, yu are rooling in!
“Hav yu heard the grate news?
“Dredfull sharp frost last night!
“Winter will soon set in, i reckon!
“I herd the owls hute last nite!
“Terribel bad acksident on the Harlem road yesterday!
“When dew yu think specie payments will be took up?
“Thare! mi pipe haz gone out, kant yu lend me a match?
“How menny aunts hav yu got in yure village?
“Enny sickness amungst them?
“I wonder if thare iz enny truth in the dispatch, that the pissmires,
down on Sandy Creek, hav all struck for higher wages?
“Who do yu think yure ants will vote for for justiss ov the peace?
“What iz yure sold opinyun ov the new license law, will it make rum enny
skarser?
“Do yu buy enny grocerys ov old Ferguson, i hope not, he iz a mean old
skinflinter, he sold me, only last week, a peace ov bar sope, for sum
beeswax.
“The world iz gitting more full ov wussness every day!
“I wonder if thare iz enny truth in what every boddy sez, about old
Square Benson, that he kant pay, only now and then sum ov hiz dets!
“Do yu see much ov the krickets now a days?
“I should really like tew kno how they are gitting along; rather tuff
times for them i guess, yu don’t think they will winter, do yu?
“When duz the moon change now days?
“Hav yu got enny onion seeds tew spare, that yu kan reckomend?
“Dew yu think England will ever pay the Allabarmer klaims?
“I kant see what makes the cockroaches so stuck up, i met one this
morning, and before i could put two civil questions at him he was out ov
sight!
“Sum folks are alwus in sich a swetting hurry!
“Aint thare sum good law agin the spiders bilding their webs in the
grass?
“How mutch wheat haz yure aunts got laid up; yu must hav sum tew spare?
“I wonder if it wont up and rain, before tommorrow?
“They tell me that maple sugar iz a drug in the market, owing to its
peculiar mutchness; yu kant tell, kan yu, whether this iz so or not, i
wish yu could!
“Mi opinyun now iz, that he who livs to see next year, will see
buckwheat a bigg crop!
“I overheard the older hens say, az i cum past nabor Sherman’s lower
barn this morning, that eggs waz gitting a good deal on plenty, and they
must git tew work agin!
“Well! i am in an awful hurry, i am going down tew tend a jumping match
between Springsteel, and Steelspring, two yung grasshoppers; this iz tew
be the last hop ov the seazon.
“I must be a going!
“I am uncommon sorry i kant stay longer, and make yu a good visit.
“By the way! Old mother Industry, i hav got a profound sekret, that i
want to tell yu, but i wouldn’t hav it known bi ennyboddy, for awl the
world, if it should git out once, it would ruin me!”
“Then keep the sekret yureself,” spoke the ant, “it iz worth more to yu
than ennyboddy else.”
This iz every word the bizzy old ant sed, but kept her eye all the time
on the phatt keernel ov wheat and the loafing grasshopper moved off,
whistling “Sally cum up.”
REMARKS.
This iz the way with all loafers, if they kant steal yure time with idle
questions, their last dodge iz to steal yure credulity with an idle
sekret.
A HEN.
A hen is a darn phool, they was born so bi natur.
When natur undertakes tew make a phool, she hits the mark the fust time.
Most all the animile kritters hav instinkt, which is wuth more to them
than reason would be, for instinkt don’t make enny blunders.
If the animiles had reason, they would akt just as ridikilus as we men
folks do.
But a hen don’t seem tew hav even instinkt, and was made expressly for a
phool.
I hav seen a hen fly out ov a good warm shelter, on the 15th ov January,
when the snow was 3 foot high, and lite on the top ov a stun wall, and
coolly set thare, and freeze tew deth.
Noboddy but a darn phool would do this, unless it was tew save a bet.
I hav saw a human being do similar things, but they did it tew win a
bet.
To save a bet, is self-preservashun, and self-preservashun, is the fust
law ov natur, so sez Blakstone, and he is the best judge ov law now
living.
If i couldn’t be Josh Billings, i would like, next in suit tew be
Blakstone, and compoze sum law.
Thare iz one law i would compoze, which iz this, “no yung snob shall
walk on 5th avenew on the Sabbath day, and twitch hiz hat oph more than
two times, on each block, to persons on the opposite side ov the street,
whom he dont kno, and who dont know him.”
I would hav this law compozed in brass, and send a coppy ov it to all
the bar tenders, and cigar shop clerks, in the city.
This would soon put a stop tew this kind ov snobosity.
But notwithstanding all this, a hen continues tew be a darn phool.
I like all kinds ov phools, they cum nearer tew filling their destiny
than ennyboddy i kno ov.
They don’t never make enny blunders, but tend rite tew bizzness.
The principal bizzness, ov an able boddyed hen, iz tew lay eggs, and
when she haz laid 36 ov them, then she iz ordained tew set still on
them, until they are born, this iz the way yung hens fust see life.
The hen haz tew spred herself pretty well tew cover 36 eggs, but i hav
seen her do it, and hatch out 36 yung hens.
When a hen fust walks out, with 36 yung hens supporting her, the party
looks like a swarm ov bumble bees.
Thare aint nothing phoolish in all this, but yu put 36 white stuns,
under this same hen, and she will set thare till she hatches out the
stones.
I hav seen them do this too--i dont wish tew say, that i hav seen them
_hatch out the stones_, but i hav seen them set on the stones, untill i
left that naberhood, which waz two years ago, and i dont hesitate tew
say, the hen iz still at work, on that same job.
Noboddy but a phool would stik tew bizzness az cluss az this.
Hens are older than Methuseler, and gro older till they die.
Now I dont want it understood, that enny one hen ken, kan commense life,
with the usual kapital, and live 999 years.
This waz the exact age ov Methuseler, if I have been informed correktly.
I simply want tew be understood, that hens (az a speciality) laid,
cackled, and sot a long time before Methuseler did.
After reading this last statement over agin, i dont kno az i make myself
fluently understood yet.
I dont undertake tew say, that Mr. Methuseler, _cackled_, and _sot_,
what i want tew prove, iz the fakt, that hens were here, and doing
bizzness in their line, before Methuseler waz.
Now I hav got it.
Thare iz one thing about a hen that looks like wisdum, they don’t cackle
mutch untill after they have laid their egg.
Sum pholks are alwus a bragging, and a cackling, what they are going tew
do before-hand.
A hen will set on one egg just az honest az she will set on 36 eggs, but
a hen with one chicken iz always a painful sight tew me.
I never knu an only chicken do fust rate, the old hen spiles them
waiting on them, and then it tires out the old hen, more than 36
chickens would.
I think this rule works both ways, among poultry, and among other
pholks.
I have seen a hen set on 36 duck eggs, and hatch the whole ov them out,
and then try tew learn them tew skratch in the garden.
But a ducks phoot aint bilt right for skratching in the ground, it iz
better composed for skratching in the water.
When the young ducks takes tew the water, it iz melankolly, and hart
brakeing, tew see the old hen, stand on the brim ov the mil pond, and
wring her hands, and holler tew the ducks, tew come right strate out ov
that water, or they will all git drowned.
I have seen this did too, but i never see the ducks come out till they
got reddy, nor never see a young duck git drowned.
Yu kant drown a young duck, they will stand az mutch water az a sponge
will.
[Illustration]
One egg, per diem, iz all that a hen ought to lay, espeshily nu
beginner, but there iz sum smart writers on the subjekt, who claim they
ought tew lay two.
This needs more testimony.
Az an artikle ov diet, thare is but phew things that surpass cooked hen,
if eaten in the days ov their youth and innosense, but after they git
old, and kross, they kontrakt a habit ov eating tuff.
After thinking the thing over, and over, and over, I am still prepared
tew say, that a hen is a darn phool, ennyhow you kan fix it.
I don’t speak of this as enny disgrace two the hen, it only shows that
natur dont even make a phool without a destiny.
Az long as hens phill their destiny, eggs won’t git tew be worth over 25
cents a dozen, and broiled chicken will be one ov the luxurys ov life.
Thare iz grate proffit, and sum loss, in razeing chickens, the _loss_ iz
the heavyest when sum boddy brakes into the chicken coop, and steals all
the chickens.
Thare iz a grate menny breeds ov hens, just now, but the old-fashioned
speckled hen breed iz the most flattering.
After they hav laid an egg, they aint afraid tew say so, and kan
outkackle all other breeds ov hens, and when yu come tew scratching up a
garden, they are wuth two ov enny other kind.
I dont kno ov enny sight that pleases me more than tew see an old
speckled hen cum sputtering oph from her nest and pitch, feet fust, into
a new made garden.
I suppoze if I owned the garden this thing might not look so phunny tew
me, but yu see, I dont own enny garden.
I belong tew that misfortunate klass ov real estate men who dont own
enny garden, and I have sumtimes wondered if it want just about az
proffitable for me tew enjoy the skratching up ov the garden, and let
them other folks who own the hens and the garden do their own gitting
mad and swearing.
THE GOTE.
The gote iz a koarse wollen sheep.
They hav a split hoof and a whole tail.
They hav a good appetite, and a sanguine digestion.
They swallo what they eat, and will eat ennything they kan bite.
Their moral karakters are not polished, they had rather steal a rotten
turnip, out ov a garbage-box, than tew cum honestly bi a pek ov oats.
The male gote haz two horns on the ridge ov hiz hed, and a mustash on
hiz bottom lip, and iz the plug ugly ov hiz naberhood.
A maskuline gote will fite ennything, from an elephant down to hiz
shadder on a ded wall.
They strike from their but-end, insted ov the shoulder, and are az
likely tew hit, az a hammer iz a nailhed.
They are a hi seazoned animal, az mutch so az a pound ov assifidity.
They are faithful critters, and will stick tew a friend az long az he
livs in a shanty.
They kan klime ennything but a greast pole, and kno the way up a rock,
az natral az a woodbine.
They are az certain tew raize az yung ones, sum familys are haff gotes,
and the other haff children. They are good eating when they are yung,
but they leave it oph az they git stronger.
They are alwus poor in the boddy, but phatt in the stumick, what they
eat seems to all go to appetight, yu mite az well agree tew phatt an
injun rubber over shew bi filling it with klam shells, az tew raize enny
adipoze membrane on the outside bust ov a gote.
A phatt gote would be a literary curiosity.
They use the same dialekt az the sheep, and the yung ones speak the
language more fluently than the parients do.
Thare iz only two animals ov the earth that will eat tobakko--one iz a
man and tuther iz a gote, but the gote understands it the most, for he
swallers the spit, chaw and all.
The male gote, when he iz pensiv, iz a venerable and philosophy looking
old cuss, and wouldn’t make a bad proffessor ov arithmetik in sum ov our
colleges.
They are handy at living a longtime, reaching an advanced age without
arriving at enny definite konklusion.
How long a gote livs without giving it up, thare iz no man now old enuff
tew tell.
Methuzeler, if hiz memory waz bad at forgetting, mite giv a good-sized
guess, but unfortunately for science and this essa, Methuzeler aint
here.
Gotes will liv in enny klimate, and on enny vittles, except tanbark, and
if they ever cum to a square death, it iz a profound sekret, in the
hands of a few, to this day.
I wouldn’t like tew beleave enny man under oath who had ever seen a
maskuline gote acktually die, and stay so.
Speaking ov Methuzeler, puts me in mind ov the fackt, if a man should
liv now daze, as mutch az he did, and only hav one eye tew see things
with, he would hav to hav an addishun bilt onto the back ov hiz head tew
sto away things into.
The femail gote iz either the mother, or sister, or cuzzin ov the male
gote, ackording tew the prevailing circumstansis in the case, or else i
labour under a delusion, i forget witch.
They giv milk intuitively about a quart, before it iz watered, in twelve
hours, which iz the subjickt ov nourishment in various ways.
This milk, whitch is extrakted from the female gote, iz excellent tew
finish up yung ones on, but is apt to make them bellycose, and fightful.
It iz not unkommon for a babe, while inhaleing this pugnashus fluid, to
let oph hiz left colleckshun or diggit and ketch the nurse on the
pinnakle ov the smeller, and tap it for claret.
This iz a kommon fakt amung irish babes, and explains the reazon whi, in
after life, these same babes make such brilliant hits.
In writing the history ov the male and female gote tew adorn the pages
ov futer times, i flatter miself that i hav stuck tew the truth, and
haven’t allowed mi imaginashun tew boss the job.
A grate menny ov our best bilt historians are apt tew mistake opinyuns
for facts, this iz an eazy mistake tew make, but when i strike a goose,
or bed bugg, or gote, yu notis one thing, i stay with them.--Finis.
GOOSE TALK.
The goose is a grass-animal but don’t chaw her cud.
They are good livers; about one aker to a goose iz enuff, altho there iz
sum folks who thinks one goose tew 175 akers, iz nearer right.
These two calculations are so fur apart, it iz difficult tew tell now,
which will finally win.
But i don’t think, if i had a farm ov 175 akers, awl paid for, that i
would sell it for half what it was worth, just bekauze it didn’t hav but
one goose on it. Geese stay well; sum ov our best biographers say, 70
years, and grow tuff tew the last.
[Illustration: GOOSE TALK.]
They lay one egg at once, about the size of a goose egg in which the
gosling lies hidd.
The gosling iz the goose’s babe.
The goose don’t suckle hiz young, but turns him out tew pasture on
sumboddy’s vacant lot.
They seem tew lack wisdum, but are considered generally sound on the
goose.
They are good eating, but not good chawing; the reason ov this remains a
profound sekret to this day.
When the femail goose iz at work hatching, she iz a hard bird tew
please; she riles clear up from the bottom in a minnit, and will fight a
yoke ov oxen, if they show her the least bit ov sass. The geese iz
excellent for feathers, which she sheds every year by the handful.
They are also amphibicuss, besides several other kinds ov cuss.
But they are mostly cureiss about one thing: they kan haul one leg up
into their body, and stand on tuther, awl day, and not tutch ennything
with their hands.
I take notis, thare ain’t but darn few men kan dew this.
“THE CLAM.”
The clam iz a bulbous plant, and resides on the under side ov the water.
He iz born az the birds are, but don’t cum out ov his shell. He iz
deserted by his parents at a young and tender age, but don’t bekum
clamarous on this akount, but sits still, and keeps watch with hiz
mouth, for sumthin tew cum along.
Hiz temper iz sed tew be cold and clammy, but he must hav a relish for
sumthing, for hiz mouth waters aul the time.
Thare iz nothing more docile than the clam, and altho they sumtimes git
into a stew, they are az eazy tew lay yure hand on, and ketch, az a
stun, but they are like an injun, not very talky; they hav got an
impediment in their noize; their lips open with too much titeness, and
their mouth iz tew full ov tongue tew be glib.
Clams were fust diskovered, az the meazles waz, by being caught. How
long a clam kan live I don’t beleaf they kan tell themselfs, probably 5
thousand years, but a large share ov this time iz wasted; a clam’s time
aint worth mutch, only tew grow tuff in; it is jiss so with sum other
folks I kno ov.
SNAILS, SNAIKS, AND BABYS.
The slowest gaited animal on the face ov the earth iz the snail.
They are one ov the phew who take their house with them, when they go
away from home.
Snails are sed tew be delikate eating, but if i kan hav all the hash i
want, i will try and struggle along without any snail. You kant phool me
with hash, I kno how that iz made, but i don’t kno how snail are put
together. Ignorance iz sed tew be bliss, and i hav often thought that it
waz, and if i don’t never kno how snails taste, i don’t think now i
shall repent ov it.
It haz always been a source ov mutch doubt with me, in mi hours ov
contemplashun, which waz made fust, the snail or hiz shell, but if i
don’t know even this, i don’t mean tew git mad about it.
[Illustration]
I hav grate phaith in enny job that natur turns out, and i had rather
hav phaith than knowledge, it saves a grate deal ov hard work. It costs
a grate deal to kno all about things, and then yu ain’t certain, but
phaith iz cheap, and don’t make enny blunders.
Science iz smart, but she kant tell yu what makes the flowers blush so
menny different colors, but phaith can. Science on a deth bed iz a
pigmy, but phaith iz a giant.
STRIPED SNAKE.
The striped snake iz one ov the slipperyest jobs that natur ever turned
loose.
They travel on the lower side ov themselfs, and kan slip out ov sight
like blowing out a kandle. They were made for sum good purpose, but i
never hav bin informed for what, unless it waz tew hav their heds
smashed.
They are sed tew be innocent, but they hav got a bad reputashun, and all
the innocence in the world won’t kure a bad reputashun.
They liv in the grass but seldom git stept on, bekauze they don’t stay
long enuff in the right place.
When i waz a little boy, and wore naked feet, and waz loafing around
loose for strawberrys, i waz often times just a going tew step on a
striped snaik, but it alwus cured me ov strawberrys.
If a striped snaik got into a 10-aker lot before i did, i alwus
konsidered that all the strawberrys in that lot belonged tew the snaik.
“Fust cum, fust sarve,” was mi motto.
I am just az fraid ov snaiks now az i waz 40 years ago, and if i should
liv tew be az old az Nebudkennezer waz, and go tew grass as he did, one
striped snaik would spile 50 akers ov good pasture for me.
Wimmin don’t luv snaiks enny more than i do, and i respekt her for this.
How on earth Eve waz seduced by a snaik, iz a fust class mistery tew me,
and if i hadn’t read it in the bible, i would bet aginst it.
I beleave everything thare iz in the bible, the things i kant
understand, I beleave the most.
I wouldn’t swop oph the phaith i hav got for any living man’s
knoweledge.
Snaiks are all sorts, and all sizes, and the smaller they are, the more
i am afrade ov them.
I wouldn’t buy a farm at haff price that had a striped snaik on it.
Ded snaik are a weakness with me; i always respekt them, and whenever i
see a ded one in the road, i dont drop a tear on him, but i drop another
stone on him, for fear he might alter his mind and cum tew life agin,
for a snaik hates tew die just az much az a kat duz.
I never could ackount for a snaik or a kat hateing tew die so bad,
unless it waz bekauze they waz so poorly prepared for deth.
BABYS.
Babys i luv with all mi heart; they are mi sweetmeats, they warm up mi
blood like a gin sling, they krawl into me and nestle by the side ov mi
soul, like a kitten under a cook stove.
I hav raized babys miself, and kno what i am talking about.
I hav got grandchildren, and they are wuss than the fust krop tew riot
amung the feelings.
If i could hav mi way, i would change all the human beings now on the
face ov the earth back into babys at once, and keep them thare, and make
this footstool one grand nussery; but what i should do for wet nusses i
don’t kno, nor don’t care.
I would like tew have 15 babys now on mi lap, and mi lap ain’t the
handyest lap in the world for babys, neither.
My lap iz long enuff, but not the widest kind ov a lap.
I am a good deal ov a man, but i konsist ov length principally, and when
i make a lap ov miself, it iz not a mattrass, but more like a couple ov
rails with a jint in them.
I can hold more babys in mi lap at once, than any man in Amerika,
without spilling one, but it hurts the babys.
I never saw a baby in mi life that i didn’t want tew kiss; i am wuss
than an old maid in this respekt.
I hav seen babys that i hav refused tew kiss untill they had been washt;
but the baby want tew blame for this, neither waz i.
Thare are folks in this world who say they don’t luv babys, but yu kan
depend upon it, when they waz babys sumboddy loved them.
Babys luv me, too. I kan take them out ov their mothers’ arms just az
eazy az i kan an unfleged bird out ov hiz nest. They luv me bekauze i
luv them.
And here let me say, for the comfort and consolashun ov all mothers,
that whenever they see me on the cars or on the steambote, out ov a job
they needn’t hesitate a minnit tew drop a clean, fat baby into mi lap; i
will hold it, and kiss it, and be thankful besides.
Perhaps thare iz people who don’t envy me all this, but it iz one ov the
sharp-cut, well-defined joys ov mi life, mi love for babys and their
love for me.
Perhaps thare iz people who will call it a weakness, i don’t care what
they call it, bring on the babys. Unkle Josh haz always a kind word and
a kiss for the babys.
I love babys for the truth thare iz in them, i aint afraid their kiss
will betray me, their iz no frauds, ded beats nor counterfits among
them.
I wish i was a baby (not only once more) but forever-more.
“THE CRAB.”
Natur is fond ov a joke.
She must have felt full ov fun, when she made a soft shell crab. The
strongest emotion the crab haz iz tew bite. They aint afrade tew bite a
sawlog, or a black bear. They are born in the water, but they kan live
out doors on the land as long az they kan find ennything tew bite.
They hav several leggs, which are aul lokated on the starboard side ov
their person. Crabs liv under cover, like the mud turtles, but they move
evry fust ov May, into a new one.
They are sed tew be good eating, but you wouldn’t think so tew stand and
look at them; it would bother a stranger tew tell where tew begin; it
would be a good deal like trying tew make a sudden dinner out ov a kross
kut saw.
They are biled in a pot, about 3 bushels ov them, until they stop
biting, and then they are done, and are et by throwing away the boddy,
and sucking the pith out ov the limbs. It is a good deal like trieng tew
get the meat out ov a grasshopper’s leggs. It is considered a good day’s
work to git one dinner out of biled crabs; I think perhaps a person mite
sustane life on them, but he would hav tew work nite and day to do it,
and keep a smart man biling crabs aul the time. Crabs bite with their
feet, and hang on like a country couzin.
ESSA ON SWINE.
Hogs generally are quadriped.
The extreme length ov their antiquity haz never been fully discovered;
they existed a long time before the flood, and hav existed a long time
since.
There iz a grate deal ov internal revenew in a hog, thare ain’t mutch
more waste in them than thare iz in a oyster.
Even their tails can be wurked up into whissells.
Hogs are good quiet boarders; they alwus eat what iz set before them,
and don’t ask enny foolish questions.
They never hav enny disseaze but the meazles, and they never hav that
but once; once seems to satisfy them.
Thare iz a grate menny breeds amongst them.
Sum are a close corporation breed, and sum are bilt more apart, like a
hemlock slab.
Sum are full in the face, like a town clock, and some are az long and
lean az a cow-catcher, with a steel pinted noze on them.
They kan awl rute well; a hog that kant rute well, haz bin made in vain.
They are a short lived animal, and generally die az soon az they git
fatt.
The hog kan be larnt a grate menny cunning things, such az highsting the
front gate off from the hinges, tipping over the swill barrells, and
finding a hole in the fence to git into a cornfield, but thare ain’t
enny length tew their memory; it iz awful hard work for them tew find
the same hole to git out at, espeshly if yu are at all anxious they
should.
Hogs are very kontrary, and seldom drive well the same way yu are going;
they drive the most the other way; this haz never bin fully explained,
but speaks volumes for the hog.
THE CAT, AND THE KANGAROO.
The cat, iz called a domestik animile,--but i never hav bin able tew
tell wharefore.
You kant trust one, enney more than yu kan a case ov the gout. Thare iz
only one mortal thing, that yu kan trust a cat with, and cum out even,
and that iz, a bar ov hard sope.
They are az meak as Mosiss, but az full ov develtry az Judus Iskaratt.
[Illustration: THE CAT, AND THE KANGAROO.]
They will harvest a dozen ov yung chickens for yu, and then steal into
the sitting room, az softly az an undertaker, and lay themselfs down on
the rug, at yure feet, full ov injured innocence, and chicken, and dream
ov their childhood days.
All thare iz, sure about a cat, that iz domestik, that i kno ov, iz,
that yu kant looze one.
You kant looze a cat,--they are az hard to looze, az a bad reputashun
iz.
You may send one out ov the state, dun up in a meal bag, and marked, “C.
O. D.,” and the next morning yu will find him, or her, (accordin tew
sex) in the same old spot, along side ov the kitchen stove, reddy tew be
stepped on.
Cats hav got two good ears for melody, and often make the night
atmosphear melodious, with their opera musik.
But the most wonderful thing, about a cat, that haz bin diskovered yet,
iz their fear ov death.
Yu kant induce one, by enny ordinary means, to accept ov death,--they
aktually skorn tew die.
You may kill one, az much az yu hav a mind to, and they will begin life
anew, in a few minnitts, with a more flattering prospektus.
Dogs i love, they carry their kridenshuls in their faces, and kant hide
them, but the bulk ov cats reputashun lays buried in their stumuk, az
unknown tew themselfs, az tew enny boddy else.
Thare iz only one thing, about, that i like, and that iz, they are verry
cheap,--a little money,--well invested,--will go a grate ways, in cats.
Cats are very plenty in this world, just now, i counted 18 from my
boarding house winder, one moon lite night, last summer, and it want a
fust rate night for cats neither.
* * * * *
The Kangaroo is an overgrown monkey. They are fello-citizens ov Afrika,
and spend most ov their lezzure moments on foot. They hav four legs, but
their fore legs aint ov mutch use to them; they do most ov their acktual
bizzness with their hind legs. They travel a good deal az a frog duz--on
the jump.
Kangarooes are verry valuabel in their plase, and Afrika iz the plase
for them. I hav thought if the whole ov Afrika had been planted with
Kangaroos, and none ov it with other peeple, it would hav been full as
good a crop to know what to do with.
Kangaroos liv upon roots, gras, and herbs, and kan outjump ennything in
the wilderness. In the face they resemble the deer, but in the length ov
their tails they resemble a whole herd ov deer.
A kangaroo’s tail iz a living kuriosity; in its general habits it looks
and akts like a rat’s tail, but in size you must multiply it by six
thousand and upwards.
What on arth a kangaroo wants so mutch tail for haz bothered the
philosophers for ages, and i understand, that lately, at one ov their
scientifick meetings they hav giv it up.
The philosophers git beat oftener than ennybody i kno ov, but they
seldom giv a thing up; but the kangaroo’s tail waz too mutch for them.
But a kangaroo’s tail don’t bother me enny more than a kite’s tail duz;
a bob-tailed kangaroo on the jump would akt just as a bob-tailed kite
duz in the air. Whenever i cum acrost ennything in natur that i kant
explain, then i kno at once that it iz all right for natur never made
enny blunders in the animals; if she has failed ennywhare, it iz in man.
Natur gav man reazon, and showed him how to use it, but man luvs to open
the throttle valve and let reazon hum. This ackounts for hiz running oph
from the track so often and gitting bust up. I never knu a kangaroo tew
bust up.
THE CODFISH.
The codfish iz a child ov the oshun. This ackounts for their being so
salt.
They are caught with a hook and line, and bite a steel trap, and hang on
like a poor relation.
They are good eating for a wet day; they are better than an umbreller to
keep a man dry.
Dried codfish iz one ov the luxurys of life, but codfish three times a
day would weaken mi confidence in them.
Codfish never venture in fresh water; they would soon spile if they did.
I never hav been codfishing miself, but think I should like it better
than fishing for frogs.
I think i could ketch frogs well enuff, but i should insist upon their
taking themselfs off from the hook.
I had rather take a boss bumble bee in mi hand than a live frog, not
bekause I am afraid the frog would bite, but i am afraid ov their
kicking.
Sum people ain’t afraid to take ennything with their hands, that they
can reach, not even an eel, but if I should ever git caught by an eel,
if i couldn’t settle with him, right off, by giving him the hook and
line, i would throw the pole into the bargin and put for home.
The codfish iz sed tew be an aristokrat, and to keep aloof from the
other fish of hiz size in the sea, and claims tew be a relation of the
whales, but this looks to me rather fishy.
I hav noticed that the codfish alwus haz a stiff upper lip, but I think
this iz more owing tew the bone that iz in him than it iz tew his blood.
THE MACKREL.
The mackrel iz a game fish. They ought tew be well edukated, for they
are always in schools.
They are very eazy to bite, and are caught with a piece ov old red
flannel pettycoat tied onto a hook.
They ain’t the only kind ov fish that are caught by the same kind of
bait.
Mackrel inhabit the sea, but thoze which inhabit the grocerys alwus
taste to me az tho they had been born and fatted on salt.
They want a good deal ov freshning before they are eaten, and want a
good deal ov freshning afterward.
If I can hav plenty of mackrel for brekfasst i can generally make the
other two meals out ov cold water.
Mackrel are considered by menny folks the best fish that swims, and are
called “the salt of the earth.”
THE POLLYWOGG.
The pollywogg iz created bi the sides ov the road, out ov thick water,
and spends hiz infancy in pollywogging.
After he haz got through pollywogging he makes up hiz mind that this
world want made for pollywogs and “nothing venture nothing have,” and
then he turns hiz attenshun tew bigger things.
He looks out upon life with the eye ov wisdum, and studdying the various
animals ov creashun, he cums tew the konklusion that the best thing he
kan do iz tew bekum a frog.
This iz the way that frogs fust cum tew be made, and pollywoggs tew be
lost.
The pollywogg now leaves the water and spends a part ov hiz summers upon
land.
He haz tew fite hiz way through life, and generally goes on the jump.
Being better at diving than he iz at dodgeing, he often runs hiz hed
aginst sticks and stuns that the boys throw at him, but hiz two mortal
enemys are the frenchman and the striped snaik.
The frenchman iz satisfied with hiz hind leggs, but the snaik swallows
him whole.
I have seen sum good time made by the frog, and the snake, the snake
after the frog, and the frog after dear life.
If the frog kan only reach a tree, and klimb it, he iz safe, for a snake
kant travel a tree.
I don’t kno az the pollywogg gains ennything by swopping himself oph for
a frog, unless it iz experience, but i never hav bin able to diskover
much ov enny happiness in experience.
If experience ever made a man happy, i should hav happiness to sell, for
I am one ov them happy phellows who never found ennything (not even the
bite ov a lobster) only through the kindness of experience.
THE BULL HEAD.
This remarkable beast of prey dwells in mill ponds and mud puddles,
cluss to the ground, and lives upon young lizzards and dirt.
They hav no taste to their mouths, and never spit out ennything that
they kan swallo.
They have two ugly black thorns sticking out on the sides ov their hed,
and are az dangerous tew handle az a six-bladed penknife, with the
blades all open to onst.
They are like a kat, yu hav got to skin them before they are fit to eat,
and after they are thoroughly cooked, if yu set them away in the
cupboard until they git cold, they will begin life anew, and bekum az
raw az a live mule.
They will liv, after they are ded az long az striped snaik kan.
I don’t advise enny man to fish for bull heads, but if yu feel az tho yu
must, this iz the only best way to do it.
Take a dark, hot, drizzly night in the month ov june; steal out quietly
from home; tell yure folks yu are going tew the nabors to borry a
setting of hen’s eggs; find a saw log on the banks ov a stagnant
mill-pond, one end of which lays in the water; drive the mudturkles and
water snaiks oph from the log; straddle the log, and let yure leggs hang
down in the water up tew yure garters; bait yure hook with a chunk ov
old injun rubber shoe; az fasst az yu pull up the bull heads, take them
by the back ov the neck and stab their horns onto the saw log; when yu
hav got the saw log stuck full, shoulder the saw log, and leave for
home; git up the next morning early, skin the bull heds, and split up
the saw log into kindling wood, let yure wife cook them for brekfast,
and sware the whole family to keep dark about it.
This iz the only respektabel way to hav enneything to do with bull
heads.
MUDTURKLES.
Mudturkles liv in a shell, which tha git verry mutch attached to. Tha
are not fond ov company, and seldom receive visitors in their houses.
Their food consists prinsipally of what they eat, which tha find
wharever tha kan git it. Their style iz haf land, and haf water, and tha
are at home on the banks or at the bottom ov a kanal. Tha hav sum eggs,
which tha lay in sum warm sand, and ginerally hav them hatched out tew
the halves. Tha belong tew the class known az “close korporashuns,” and
are a hard animil tew whip, bekause tha alwus fite under cover. The
mudturkle kant climb very well, and therefore seldum iz found up a tree.
Tha are verry tuff ov life, and will outlive an injun rubber shoe, and
don’t seem tew gro old enny faster than a paving stone duz. Tha kan be
domestikated without enny trubble; awl yu hav tew dew, iz tew put them
into a barrel, and tha aint ap tew stray off far. Mudturkles hav their
faults, but tha won’t lie, nor drink rum, nor chaw terbacker, and tho
tha cant trot as fast az sum hosses kan, thare sure tew git tew whare
tha go tew, and never brake down on the rode. I take a deep interest in
moste awl the animils, and particularly in mudturkles, and i dew hope
that the Legislature in their wisdum won’t pass a law “prohibiting enny
more mudturkles.” I regret tew hear, that in sum parts ov the kuntry,
the people are in the habit of using mudturkles tew pitch quoits with,
but I think this wants an affidavy with a revenew stamp onto it.
THE FLY.
The fly iz not only a domestik, but a friendly insek, without branes,
but happily without guile.
[Illustration: THE FLY.]
They make their appearance amung mankind, a good deal az the wind duz,
“whare it listeth.”
How they are exactly born, i haven’t been able yet tew investigate, but
they are so universal at times, that i hav thought, they didn’t wait tew
be born, but took the fust good chance that was offered, and cum just az
they am.
They are sed tew be male and femail, but i dont think they konsider the
marriage tie binding, for they look so mutch alike, that it would be a
grate waste ov time, finding out wich waz who, and this would lead tew
never ending fites, wich iz the rhubarb ov domestik life.
They make their annual visit about the first ov May, but don’t git tew
buzzing good till the center ov August.
They stay with uz untill kold weather puts in an appearance, and then
leave, a good deal az they cum, jist az they am.
Menny ov them are kut oph in the flower ov their yuth, and usefullness,
but this don’t interfere with their census, for their iz another steps
right into their place, and heirs their property.
Sum looze their lives bi lighting too near the rim ov a toad’s noze, and
fall in, when the tud gaps, and others git badly stuck bi phooling with
mollassis.
Sum visit the spiders, and are induced tew remain, and thousands find a
watery grave, bi gitting drowned in milk cans.
The fly iz no respekter ov pussuns, he lights onto the pouting lips ov a
sleeping darkey, jist az eazy az he duz onto the buzzum ov the queen ov
buty, and will buzz an Alderman, or a hod-carrier, if they git in his
way.
Flys, moraly konsidered, are like a large share ov the rest ov human
folks, they wont settle on a good healthy spot in a man, not if they kan
find a spot that iz a leetle raw.
Their principal food iz every thing, they will pitch into a ded snaik,
or a quarter ov beef, with the same anxiety, and will eat from sun rise,
till seven o’clock in the evening, without getting more than haff phull.
They will eat more, and hold less, than enny bug we kno ov.
The fly haz a remarkable impoverished memory, yu may drive him out ov
yure ear; and he will land on yure forhed, hit him aginly, and he enters
yure noze, the oftner yu git rid ov him in one spot, the more he gets
onto another; the only way tew inculcate him with yure meaning, iz tew
smash him up fine.
Naturalists dont tell us all about the soshull habits ov the fly, but i
beleave they hav temprate habits, and altho they hang around grocerys a
good deal, I never saw a fly the wuss for liquor, but i hav often seen
liquor the wuss for flies.
They hav a big appetight for gitting into things, they are the fust at
the dinner table, and alwus take soup, and dont leave untill the cloth
iz removed.
Flys see a grate deal ov good sosiety, they are admitted into all
circles, and if they remember one haff that they see and hear, what a
world ov phunny sekrets they could unfold; but flys are perfekly
honarable, and never betray a konfidence.
What would sum lovers giv, if they could only git a fly tew blab, but a
fly iz a perfek gentleman, he eats oph from your plate, enjoys yure
conversashun, sees sights, and haz more phun, and privilege, than a
prime minister, or a dressing maid, but when yu cum tew pump him, he iz
az dry in the mouth, az a salt codfish.
Thare iz sumthing a fly will blow, but he wont blow a sekret.
Flys i think, must be born whole, for i never saw a haff born fly, they
are all ov a size when yu fust see them, like a paper ov pins, and never
git enny smaller.
I dont kno ov a more happy, whole souled, honest critter, among the bug
dispensation, than a hansum, square bilt fly, taking a free ride in
central park, with the Mayor and hiz wife, or a free lunch at
Delmonico’s, with the minister from England, and then finishing up the
bizzness ov the day, by sleeping upside down, on the ceiling ov my ladys
bed chamber.
But thare iz plenty ov pholks who kant see enny phun, or religion in a
fly, whoze whole aim iz tew set molasses traps for them, tew chase them
out ov the house with a sled stake, and then clear across a ploughed lot
onto the next farm, tew git up nights in their stocking feet, tew worry
them, with the tongs, tew drive them tew the brink ov despair, and
finally ruin them, with deth.
I thank the Lord i ain’t one ov thoze, i don’t luv a fly enuff, tew
leave mi vittles, and fall down flatt on mi stummuk, and worship them,
but a fly may cum and sit on mi noze, all day, and chaw hiz cud in
silence, if he will only sit still.
Flys tickle me, but they don’t make me sware, it takes a bedd bug, at
the hollow ov night, a mean, loafing bed bugg, who steals out ov a krack
in the wall, az silently az the swet on a dog’s noze, and then creeps az
soft az a shadder, on tew mi tenderest spot, and begins tew bore for my
ile, it takes one ov theze foul fiends ov blood, and midnite, tew make
me sware, a word ov two sillables.
A fly, the dear, little, social innocent, kant make me sware, not even
an abreviated dam.
I dispize enny men who sware, it iz not only wicked, but always smells
ov whiskey.
This essa, on the little fly, who visit us, in the spring ov the year,
just az they am, will not interest the exceeding literary, or thoze who
think they hav discovered poetry in their sile, it takes the essa on the
life, and deth, ov an orphan rosebud, or the golden sheen ov a sassy
moonbeam, dancing in a budoir tew the dreams ov a restive beauty, it
takes sumthing ov this breed, tew fetch them.
THE CROW.
Next to the monkey, the crow haz the most deviltry to spare. They are
born verry wild, but kan be tamed az eazy az the goat kan, but a tame
crow iz aktually wuss than a sore thumb.
If thare iz enny thing about the house that they kant git into, it iz
bekause the thing ain’t big enuff. I had rather watch a distrikt skool
than one tame crow. Crows live on what they kan steal, and they will
steal enny thing that aint tied down.
They are fond ov meat vittles, and are the first tew hold an inquest
over a departed horse, or a still sheep. They are a fine bird tew hunt,
but a hard one tew kill; they kan see you 2 miles first, and will smell
a gun right through the side ov a mountain.
They are not songstirs, altho they hav a good voice to cultivate, but
what they do sing, they seem to understand thoroughly; long praktiss has
made them perfekt.
The crow iz a tuff bird, and kan stand the heat like a blacksmith, and
the cold like a stun wall.
They bild their nest among a tree, and lay twice, and both eggs would
hatch out if they was laid in a snow bank,--thare aint no such thing as
stopping a young crow.
Crows are very lengthy; i beleave they live always i never knu one to
die a natral deth, and don’t believe they kno how.
They are alwus thin in flesh, and are like an injun rubber shew, poor
inside and out.
They are not considered fine eating, altho i hav read sumwhare ov biled
crow, but still i never heard ov the same man hankering for sum biled
crow 2 times.
This essa on the crow is copied from natur, and if it is true i aint tew
blame for it; natur made the crow, i didn’t; if i had i would hav made
her more honest and not quite so tuff.
THE BUMBLE BEE.
The Bumble Bee is one ov natur’s sekrets.
They probably hav a destiny to fill, and are probably necessary, if a
fellow only knew how.
They liv apart from the rest ov mankind, in little circles numbering
about 75 or 80 souls.
They are born about haying time, and are different from enny bug i know
ov; they are the biggest when they are fust born. They resemble sum men
in this respekt.
Their principle bizziness iz making poor honey, but they don’t make enny
to sell.
Boys sumtimes rob them out ov a whole summer’s work; but thare is one
thing about a bumble bee that boys alwus watch dreadful cluss, and that
iz their _helm_.
I had rather not hav awl the bumble bee honey that is between here and
the city ov Jerusalem, than tew hav a bumble bee hit me with his helm
when he cums round suddin.
THE ROBBING.
The robin haz a red brest.
They hav a plaintiff song, and sing az tho they waz sorry for sum thing.
They are natiffs ov the northern states, but go south to winter.
They git their name from their grate ability for robbing a cherry tree.
They kan also robin a currant bush fust rate, and are smart on a goose
berry.
[Illustration]
If a robin kant find enny thing else tew eat, they aint tew fastidious
tew eat a ripe strawberry.
They build their nest out ov mud, and straw, and lay 4 eggs, that are
speckled.
Four yung robbings, in a nest, that are just hatched out, and still on
the half-shell, are alwus az reddy for dinner, az a nuzeboy iz.
If enny boddy goes near their nest, their mouths all fly open at once,
so that yu kan see clear down tew their palates.
If it want for the birds, I suppose, ov course, we should all be et up
by the catterpillars, and snakes, but i hav thought, it wouldn’t be enny
thing more than common politeness, for the robbings, tew let us hav,
now, and then, just one ov our own cherriz, tew see how they did taste.
THE SWALLO.
The swallo iz a lively bird.
Swallows make their appearance late in the spring, and alwus in a
twitter about sumthing.
They hav az mutch twitter, as a boarding skool miss.
They kan fli az swift az an arrow, and a great deal crookider.
I have seen them skim a mill pond, cluss enuff tew take the cream off
from it, and even make the frogs dodge, and not touch the water.
When the swallo cums, spring haz cum sure, but thare iz an old proverb,
(one ov Solomans, i presume,) which sez, “one swallo dont make a
spring.”
This may be so, but i have seen a spring (ov water), that would make a
grate menny swallows.
Swallows never hav the dispepshy, they liv upon nothing, and take a
grate deal ov exercise in the open air.
They dont set up nites busting, and never cheat a taylor out ov hiz
bill.
They dont waste enny time in the morning making their toilett, but like
the flowers, shake oph the dew from their heds, and are reddy for
bizzness.
I kant think ov enny thing God has made, more harmless than a swallo,
they are as innosent az a daizy, and az pure as the air they swim in,
they wont live, shut up in a cage, mutch longer, than a trout will.
THE BAT.
The bat is a winged mouse.
They live very retired during the day, but at nite cum out for a frolik.
They fli very mutch unsartin, and ackt az tho they had taken a little
too mutch gin.
They look out ov their face like a young owl, and will bite like a
snappin turkle.
What they are good for i kant tell, and dont believe they kan tell
neither.
They dont seem tew be bird, beast, nor insek, but a kind of live hash,
made out ov all three.
If thare want enny bats in this world, i dont suppose the earth would
refuse tew revolve on its axis, once in a while, just for fun.
But when we cum to think, that thare aint on the face ov the earth, even
one bat too mutch, and that thare haint been, sintz the daze ov adam, a
single surpluss muskeeters egg, laid by acksident, we kan form sum kind
ov an idea, how little we know, and what a poor job we should make ov
it, running the machinery of kreashun.
Man iz a phool enny how, and the best ov the joke iz, he don’t seem tew
kno it.
Bats hav a destiny tew fill, and i will bet 4 dollars, they fill it
better than we do ours.
Bats liv on flies, and hawks liv on bats, but who livs on the hawks, i
kant tell.
Biled hawk may be good, i never herd enny boddy say it wasn’t, but i
dont hope i shall ever be called upon tew decide it.
Tew save life, i would eat biled hawk, but if it tastes az i think it
duz, i wouldn’t ask for a seckond plate ov it.
THE HAWK.
The hawk iz a karniverous foul, and a chickiniverous one too, every good
chance he kan git.
I hav seen them shut up their wings, and drop doun out ov the skey, like
a destroying angel, and pick up a yung goslin in each hand, and sore
aloft agin pretty quick.
They bild their nests out ov the reach ov civilizashun, so that no
mishionary kan git to them, unless he kan klimb well.
Powder and double B shot, iz the only thing that will civilize a hawk
clear through, so that he will stay so, and it takes a big charge ov
this too.
I have fired a double-barrelled gun into them, loaded with fine shot,
and it had the same exilirating effekt on them, that 4 quarts ov oats
would hav, on an old hoss, it made them more lively for a fu minnits.
I hav seen ded hawks, but i never shed enny tears over them.
I dont surpose that even hen hawks are made in vain, but i hav wondered,
if just enuff ov them, tew preserve an assortment, wouldn’t answer.
THE MEDDO MOLE.
The meddo mole iz either a small rat, or a big mouse, i dont kno which.
They hav some soft, silken fur, and dig in the ground for a living.
They kan bore a hole in the ground fazter than a 2 inch augur kan, and
kan travel klear akrost a 10 aker lot, in one night, and never cum once
tew the surface.
They dont have enny eyes, but see with their ears, and kan see more
without seeing anything, than enny rat in amerika.
How a meddo mole kan see with their ears iz one ov naturs misterys, and
natur luvs misterys, it iz the misterys ov natur that makes mankind
respektful.
If natur showed all the kards she held in her hand most enny boddy would
think they could beat her.
But natur makes us guess at about one-half we know, and then laffs at
us, in her sleeve, bekauze we dont git it right.
I dont kno whether meddo moles are an accredited artikle ov diet or not,
i never hav seen their names registered on enny bill of fare, in our
grate hotels spelt in english, but thare iz so mutch meat fixings with
french, and dutch names on the bills, that they may be thar.
I dont kno how meddo moles are spelt in dutch.
A meddo mole mite eat fust rate in dutch, and be kussid common vittles
in english.
THE POSSUM.
The possum iz a fello ov the Southern and Western States. He owns a
sharp noze, a keen eye, a lean head, a phat boddy, and a poor tail.
He enjoys roots, chickens, grass, eggs, green korn, and little mice, and
eats what he steals, and steals what he eats.
Hiz boddy is kivvered with a hairy kind ov phur, ov a dirty white
complexion; hiz feet and fingers resemble the rackoon, hiz ears are a
trifle smaller than the mules, and hiz tail iz az round az an eel, and
az free from capilliaryness as the snaiks stummuk.
The possum’s tail bothers me. I hav looked at it bi the hour; i hav
studdyed it, and tried tew parse it; i hav figgered on it az cluss az i
would a proposishun in Euklid; i hav hung over it az fondly az a kemist;
i hav fretted and wondered, hav got mad, wept and swore, and kant tell
to this day whi a possum should hav a hairless caudel.
If some philosophik mind, out ov a present job, will explain this tale
to me, and sho me the mercy ov it, i will explain to him, free from
cost, the pucker ov the persimmon, or the vital importance thare iz in
being bolegged, two misterys which are only known to the Billings
family.
The possum iz a lonesum and joyless vagabond, living just near enuff to
the smoke ov a chimbly tew pick up a transient goslin or a ten dollar
bill, or ennything else that aint stuck fast.
Thare iz only one man in this visionary world who seems tew hav an
affinity, ov a moral natur, for the possum, and that iz a darkey. They
are the nigger’s poultry and roast lamb.
The possum, in poor condishun, is az phull ov phatt as a tallo kandle in
the month ov august, but having et possum miself, and biled awl from
necessity, i am full ov the opinyun that between the two mi choice would
be never agin to take either.
Possums alwus hav twins when they hav ennything, and sumtimes an extra
one, and they suckle their yung on an entire different principal from
the goose.
Their skins are a subject of traffick, and are worth in market from nine
to ten cents a piece, provided the tail is amputated. A possum’s tail iz
not only worthless, but iz a damage to any enterprizing man.
Theze skins are colored and made into mink muffs, and sold for
twenty-five dollars a head, tew thoze whoze early edukashun has bin
neglekted.
Thare iz only one thing about a possum’s skin different from a hoss
hide, they don’t shed their hair, evry hair is drove in and clinched on
tuther side.
Possum’s hav butiful white natral teeth, and their mouth iz az full ov
them az a kow hide boot iz ov shu pegs.
But say what yu will about theze comick geniuses ov natur, they hav got
two things that they own and no other animul, feathered, or hairy,
possesses them so mutch.
I mean tuffness and cunning.
If a possum thinks he kant reach hiz hole, in the hollo ov the tree, tew
eskape a wandering dog or a stray nigger, he lays himself down level on
the opposite side ov hiz belly, and dies az ded az a two dollar watch.
The dog will smell ov hiz corpse and pass on, the nigger will rool him
over, pheal ov hiz phatt, and konkluding that “dis possum hab been
eating pizen;” take him by the tail and send him buzzing into a brush
heep.
Many a possum haz saved hiz life, and hiz phatt, bi thus loozeing it.
I hav often killed them with a klub, sufficiently dead enuff tew bury,
and hiding behind a tree, fur a fu minnitts, hav seen them born agin,
and sneak oph into the underbrush.
If thare iz enny boddy who don’t beleave this i don’t care, i only write
what i know, and don’t hold miself liable for other folks’ ignorance.
Possum grease and hoe kake, in equal parts, will phatt a nigger in 60
days, and make hiz face glisten like a piece ov pattent leather.
If the possum only had hare on the tail i could account for him fully,
but this lack ov the hirsute attachment bothers me.
I think now i would giv ten dollars tew be made well on this subjeckt.
Altho the possum dies hard, he lives eazy, and i might az well own it,
forever, for i have spent a great quantity ov mi life surrounded by
possums and other historick vermin, and never heard only ov acksident
death in the possum family.
The muskrat and the possum hav similar tales, but the muskrat steers
himself with hiz while bathing, but the possum never bathes in ennything
but chicken blood.
The studdy ov natur iz a good risk to take, and will make sum men az
phull ov knowledge az an unabridged Webster’s spellin book, while thare
iz others that natur nor ennyboddy else haint bin able tew edukate yet.
THE CURSID MUSKETO.
Dear ----:--Yure letter kame safe unto hand last nite bi mail, and i
hurry tew repli.
The best musketers now in market are raised near Bergen point, in the
dominion ov Nu Jersey.
They gro thare verry spontaneous, and the market for them iz verry
unstiddy--the grate supply injures the demand.
Two hundred and fifty to the square inch iz konsidered a paying krop,
altho they often beat that.
They don’t require enny nussing, and the poorer the land the bigger the
yield.
If it want for musketers i dont kno what sum people would do thare tew
git a living, for thare iz a grate deal ov kultivated land thare that
wont raize ennything else at a proffit.
[Illustration: THE CURSID MUSKETO.]
The musketer iz a short lived bug, but don’t waste enny time; they are
alwuss az reddy for bizzness az pepper sass iz, and kan bight 10
minnitts after they are born just az fluently az ever.
Thare iz people in this world so kontrary at heart, and so ignorant,
that they wont see enny wisdum in having musketers around; i alwus pitty
sutch pholks--their edukashun haz been sorely neglekted and aint level.
Wisdum iz like duks eggs--if yu git them, yu hav got tew sarch for
them--thare aint no duks in theze benighted days that will cum and la
eggs in yure hand--not a duk, Mr. ----, not a duk.
The musketo is a soshul insex; they liv verry thick amungst each other,
and luv the sosiety ov man also, but don’t kontrakt enny ov hiz vices.
Yu never see a musketer that was a defaulter; they never fail to cum to
time, altho thousands looze their lives in the effort.
The philosophers tell us that the muskeeters who can’t sing won’t bight;
this information may be ov grate use to science, but aint worth mutch to
a phellow in a hot nite whare muskeeters are plenty.
If thare ain’t but one musketer out ov ten that kan bight good, that iz
enuff to sustain their reputashun.
The philosophers are alwus a telling us sumthing that iz right smart,
but the only plan they kan offer us tew get rid ov our sorrows iz to
grin and bear them.
They kant rob one single musketer ov hiz stingger by argument. I say
bully for the muskeeter!
The muskeeter iz the child ov circumstansis in one respekt--he can be
born, or not, and liv, and die a square deth in a lonesum marsh, 1600
miles from the nearest nabor, without ever tasting blood, and be happy
all the time; or he kan git into sumboddy’s bed-room thru the key-hole,
and take hiz rashuns reglar, and sing sams ov praze and glorificashun.
It don’t kost a muskeeter mutch for hiz board in this world; if he kant
find enny boddy to eat he kan set on a blade ov swamp meadow gras and
liv himself to deth on the damp fog.
The musketo is a gray bug and haz 6 leggs, a bright eye, a fine busst, a
sharp tooth and and a reddy wit.
He dont waste enny time hunting up hiz customers, and alwus lights onto
a baby fust if thare iz one on the premises.
I positively fear a musketo.
In the dark, still nite, when every thing iz az noizeless az a pair ov
empty slippers, to hear one at the further end ov the room slowly but
surely working hiz way up to yu, singing that same hot old sissing tune
ov theirs, and harking to feel the exackt spot on yure face whare they
intend tew lokate, iz simply premeditated sorrow tew me; i had rather
look forward to the time when an elephant waz going tew step onto me.
The musketo haz no friends, and but phew associates; even a mule
dispizes them.
But i hav seen human beings who want aktually afraid ov them; i hav seen
pholks who had rather hav a muskeeter lite onto them than to have a
trakt peddler lite onto them; i hav seen pholks who were so tuff aginst
anguish that a muskeeter mite lite onto them enny whare and plunge their
dagger in up tew the hilt in vain.
I envy these people their moral stamina, for next tew being virtewous i
would like tew be tuff.
This life iz phull ov pesky muskeetos, who are alwus a looking for a
job, alwus reddy tew stik a thissell into yu sum whare, and sing while
they are doing it.
Dear Mr. ----, pardon me for saying so mutch about the cursid muskeeto,
but ov all things on this arth that travel, or set still, for deviltry,
thare aint enny bug, enny beast, or enny beastess, that i dred more, and
luv less, than i do this same little gray wretch, called cursid
muskeeter.
THE HORNET.
The hornet is an inflamibel bugger, sudden in hiz impresshuns and hasty
in hiz conclusion, or end.
Hiz natral disposishun iz a warm cross between red pepper in the pod and
fusil oil, and hiz moral bias iz, “git out ov mi way.”
They hav a long, black boddy, divided in the middle bi a waist spot, but
their phisikal importance lays at the terminus ov their subburb, in the
shape ov a javelin.
This javelin iz alwas loaded, and stands reddy to unload at a minnit’s
warning, and enters a man az still az thought, az spry az litening, and
az full ov melankolly az the toothake.
Hornets never argy a case; they settle awl ov their differences ov
opinyun bi letting their javelin fly, and are az certain tew hit az a
mule iz.
This testy kritter lives in congregations numbering about one hundred
souls, but whether they are male and female, or conservative, or matched
in bonds ov wedlock, or whether they are Mormons, and a good menny ov
them klub together and keep one husband tew save expense, i dont kno nor
dont kare.
I never hav examined their habits mutch, i never considered it helthy.
Hornets bild their nests whenever they take a noshun to, and seldom are
disturbed, for what would it profit a man tew kill 99 hornets and hav
the one hundredth one hit him with hiz javelin?
They bild their nests ov paper, without enny windows to them or back
doors. They hav but one place ov admission, and the nest iz the shape ov
an overgrown pine-apple, and iz cut up into just az menny bedrooms az
thare iz hornets.
It iz very simple tew make a hornets nest if yu kan, but i will argue
enny man 300 dollars he kant bild one that he could sell tew a hornet
for half price.
Hornets are az bizzy az their second couzzins, the bee, but what they
are about the lord only knows, they dont lay up enny honey, nor enny
money, they seem tew be bizzy only jist for the sake ov working all the
time, they are alwus in az mutch ov a hurry az tho they waz going for a
doktor.
I suppose this uneazy world would grind arownd on its axletree onst in
24 hours, even if thare want enny hornets, but hornets must be good for
sumthing, but i kant think now what it iz.
Thare haint been a bug made yet in vain, nor one that want a good job,
thare iz ever lots ov human men loafing around black smith shops, and
cider mills, all over the country, that dont seem tew be necessary for
ennything but tew beg plug tobacco and swear, and steal water-melons,
but yu let the cholera brake out once, and then yu will see the wisdum
ov having jist sich men laying around loose, they help count.
Next tew the cockroach, who stands tew the hed, the hornet haz got the
most waste stummuk, in reference tew the rest ov hiz boddy, than enny ov
the insek populashun, and here iz another mistery: what on arth duz a
hornet want so mutch reserve corps for.
I hav jist thought--tew carry hiz javelin in, thus you see, the more we
diskover about things the more we are apt to know.
It iz alwus a good purchase tew pay out our last surviving dollar for
wisdum, and wisdum iz like the misterious hens egg, it aint laid in yure
hand, but iz laid away under the barn, and yu hav got tew sarch for it.
The hornet iz an unsoshall kuss, he iz more haughty than he iz proud, he
iz a thorough bred bug, but hiz breeding and refinement haz made him
like sum other folks i kno ov, dissatisfied with himself, and everyboddy
else, too mutch good breding ackts this way sumtimes.
Hornets are long-lived--i kant state jist how long their lives are, but
i kno, from instinkt and observashun, that enny kritter, be he bug or be
he devil, who is mad all the time, and stings every good chance he kan
git, gennerally outlives all his nabers.
The only way tew git at the exact fiteing weight ov the hornet, is tew
tutch him, let him hit you once with his javelin, and you will be
willing tew testify in court that sumboddy run a one-tined pitchfork
into yer; and az for grit, i will state for the informashun ov thoze who
haven’t had a chance tew lay in their vermin wisdum az freely az i hav,
that one single hornet, who feels well, will brake up a large camp
meeting!
What the hornets do for amuzement iz another question i kant answer, but
sum ov the best read, and heavyest thinkers amung the naturalists say
they hav target excursions, and heave their javelins at a mark; but i
don’t imbibe this assershun raw, for i never knu enny boddy, so bitter
at heart az the hornets are, to waste a blow.
Thare iz one thing that a hornet duz that i will giv him credit for on
mi books--he alwus attends tew hiz own bizzness, and wont allow any
boddy else tew attend tew it, and what he duz iz alwuz a good job, you
never see them altering enny thing, if they make enny mistakes, it iz
after dark, and aint seen.
If the hornets made haff az menny blunders az the men do, even with
their javelins, everyboddy would laff at them.
Hornets are clear in another way, they hav found out, bi trieing it,
that all they kan git in this world, and bragon, iz their vittles, and
clothes, and yu never see one, standing at the corner ov a street, with
a twenty-six inch face on, bekauze sum bank had run oph, and took their
money with him.
In ending oph this essa, i will cum tew a stop, by concluding, that if
hornets waz a leetle more pensive, and not so darned peremptory with
their javelins, they might be guilty ov less wisdum, but more charity.
But yu kant alter bug natur, without spileing it for enny thing else,
enny more than yu kan an elephant’s egg.
THE RABBIT.
The rabbit iz a kind ov long-eard and short-taled kat, and reside for a
living all over the United States ov Amerika. They are az harmless, so
far az pizon is consarned, az a yung goslin.
[Illustration: THE RABBIT.]
They liv in holes in the ground, holler logs, and under brush heaps, and
kan run faster and stop quicker than any 4 or 6 legged brute.
Their hind legs are twice az long and twice az fast az their fore ones,
and they seem tew be bilt best for running up a hill, and backing down
it. They are all colors known tew the trade, except green; green rabbits
are out ov fashion.
Rabbits bile eazy, and eat soft, and are sed tew be better vittles than
the kat.
I don’t kno exacktly how menny rabbits thare are in the United States
now, and never expekt tew kno, for thay kan hatch out, and spred faster
than the meazles.
One pair ov helthy and industrious rabbits will settle a whole township
in 18 months, and begin tew emigrate into the jineing parts.
Rabbits are az eazy tew kill az a cucumber vine when it fust starts out
ov the ground, and are az eazy tew ketch az a bad kold.
Rabbits hav no kunning, and but little guile; i hav kept them az pets,
and konsider them just about az safe az they are useless.
Their fur iz of sum value, but they are az tender tew skin without
tareing, az a biled potater.
THE POODLE.
The poodle iz a small dog, with sore eyes, and hid amungst a good deal
ov promiskuss hair.
They are sumtimes white for color, and their hair iz tangled all over
them, like the hed ov a yung darkey.
They are kept az pets, and, like all other pets, are az stubborn az a
setting hen.
A poodle iz a woman’s pet, and that makes them kind ov sakred, for
whatever a woman luvs she worships.
I hav seen poodles that i almost wanted tew swop places with, but the
owners ov them didn’t akt to me az tho they wanted tew trade for enny
thing.
Thare iz but phew things on the face ov this earth more utterly
worthless than a poodle, and yet i am glad thare iz poodles, for if
thare wasn’t thare iz some people who wouldn’t hav enny objekt in
living, and hav nothing tew luv.
Thare iz nothing in this world made in vain, and poodles are good for
fleas.
Fleas are also good for poodles, for they keep their minds employed
scratching, and almost every boddy else’s too about the house.
I never knew a man tew keep a poodle. Man’s natur iz too koarse for
poodles. A poodle would soon fade and die if a man waz tew nuss him.
I don’t expekt enny poodle, but if enny boddy duz giv me one he must
make up hiz mind tew be tied onto a long stick every Saturday, and be
used for washing the windows on the outside.
This kind ov nussing would probably make the poodle mad, and probably he
would quit, but i kant help it.
If i hav got tew keep a poodle, he haz got tew help wash the windows
every Saturday. I am solid on this pint.
Bully for me.
THE PATRIDGE.
The patridge iz a kind ov wild hen, and liv in the swamps, and on the
hill sides that are woody.
They are verry eazy tew ketch with the hand, if yu kan git near enuff
tew them tew put salt on their tale, but this iz alwus diffikult for nu
beginners.
In the spring ov the year they will drum a tune with their wings on some
deserted old log, and if yu draw ni unto them tew observe the musik,
they will rize up, and kut a hole thru the air with a hum like a bullet.
Thare iz no burd kan beat a patridge on the wing for one hundred yards,
i am authorized tew bet on this.
The patridge are a game burd, and are shot on the wing, if they are not
missed.
It iz dreadful natral tew miss a patridge on the fly, especially if a
tree gets in the way.
I hav hunted a grate deal for patridge, and lost a grate deal ov time at
it.
The patridge lays 14 eggs, and iz az sure tew hatch all her eggs out az
a cockroach iz who feels well.
When a brood ov yung patridges fust begin tew toddle about with the old
bird, they look like a lot ov last year’s chestnut burs on legs.
Broiled patridge iz good if yu kan git one that waz born during the
present century, but thare iz a grate menny patridge around that waz
with Noah in the ark, and they are az tuff tew git the meat oph ov az a
hoss shu.
But broiled patridge iz better than broiled krow, and i had rather hav
broiled krow than broiled mule just for a change.
THE SNIPE.
The snipe iz a gray, misterious bird, who git up out ov low, wet places
quick, and git back again quick.
They are pure game, and are shot on the move.
They are az tender tew brile az a saddle rok oyster, and eat az eazy az
sweetmeats.
The snipe haz a long bill (about the length ov a doktor’s) and git a
living bi thrusting it down into the fat earth, and then pumping the
juices out with their tounge.
I hav seen snipe so phatt that when they waz shot 50 feet in the air and
phell on to the hard ground, they would split open like an egg.
This will sound like a lie to a man who never haz seen it did, but after
he haz seen it did, he will feel different about it.
THE COCKROACH.
The cockroach iz a bug at large.
He iz one ov the luxurys ov civilization.
He iz eazy to domestikate, yielding gracefully to ordinary kindness, and
never deserting thoze who show him proper ackts ov courtesy.
We are led to beleave, upon a cluss examination ov the outward crust ov
these fashionable insekts, that they are a highly successful
intermarriage between the brunette pissmire, and the “_artikilus bevo_”
or common Amerikan grasshopper.
Naturalists however differ, which iz to be lamented, for a diversity ov
sentiment, upon matters so important to the peace ov mind and moral
advancement ov mankind in the lump, creates distrust, and tends to sap
the substrata ov all bug ethicks.
But let the learned and polite pull hair az mutch az they pleaze about
the ansestral claims ov the cockroach it iz our bizzness and duty, az
bug scrutinizer, tew show the critter up az we find him, without caring
a single, solitary curse, who hiz grandfather or grandmother acktually
waz.
Thare iz no mistaking the fackt that he iz one ov a numerous family, and
that hiz attachment tew the home ov hiz boyhood, speaks louder than
thunder for hiz affecktionate and unadulterated natur.
He dont leave the place he waz born at upon the slightest provocation,
like the giddy and vagrant flea, or the ferocious bed bugg, and untill
death, (or sum vile powder, the invenshun ov man) knocks at hiz front
door, he and hiz brothers and sisters may be seen with the naked eye,
ever and anon calmly climbing the white sugar bowl or running foot races
between the butter plates.
How strange it iz that man, made out ov dirt, the cheapest material in
market, and the most plenty, should be so determined to rid the world ov
evry living bug but himself.
I dont doubt if he could hav hiz own way for six years, evry personal
cockroach would be knocked off from the bosom ov the footstool, and not
even a pair ov them left to repair damages with.
Such iz man!
The cockroach is born on the fust ov May and the fust ov November
semiannually, and is reddy for use in fifteen days from date.
They are born from an egg, four from each egg, and consequently they are
all ov them twins. There is no such thing in the annals ov natur as a
single cockroach.
The maternal bug don’t sett upon the egg as the goose doth, but leaves
them lie around loose, like a pint ov spilt mustard seed, and don’t seem
tew care a darn whether they get ripe or not.
But I never knew a cockroach egg fail tew put in an appearance. They are
as sure tew hatch out and run as Kanada thistles, or a bad kold.
The cockroach is ov tew colours, sorrel and black. They are always on
the move, and kan trot, I should say, on a good track, and a good day,
cluss tew three minnitts.
Their food seems tew consist, not so mutch in what they eat as what they
travel, and often finding them dead in my soup at the boarding-house, I
hav cum to the conclusion that a cockroach kan’t swim, but they kan
float.
Naturalists hav also declared that the cockroach has no double teeth.
This is an important fackt, and ought tew be introduced into all the
primary school books ov Amerika.
But the most interesting feature ov this remarkable bugg is the
lovelyness ov their natures. They kan’t bite nor sting, nor skratch, nor
even jaw back. They are so amable that I hav even known them tew get
stuck in the butter, and lay there all day, and not holler for help, and
aktually die at last with a broken heart.
To realize the meekness ov theze uncomplaining little cusses, let the
philosophick mind just for one moment compare them to the pesky flea,
who light upon man in hiz strength and woman in her weakness like a red
hot shot, or to the warbling musketo, wild from a Nujersey cat-tail
marsh, with hiz dagger in hiz mouth ackeing for blood; or, horror ov
horrors! to the midnight bed bugg, who creeps out ov a crack az still
and az lean az a shadow, and hitches on to the bosom ov buty like a
starved leech.
Every man haz a right to pick hiz playmates, but az for me, i had rather
visit knee deep among cockroaches than to hear the dieing embers ov a
single muskeeter’s song in the room jineing, or to know that thare waz
just one bedbugg left in the world and he waz waiting for mi kandle to
go out and for me to pitch into bed.
In conclusion, to show that I aint fooling, i would be willing, if I had
them, to swap ten fust class fleas any time for a small sized cockroach,
and if the fellow complained that I had shaved him in the trade, I would
return the cockroach and sware that we waz even.
THE MULE.
The mule is haf hoss and haf Jackass, and then kums tu a full stop,
natur diskovering her mistake.
[Illustration: THE MULE.]
Tha weigh more, akordin tu their heft, than enny other kreetur, except a
crowbar.
Tha kant hear enny quicker, nor further than the hoss, yet their ears
are big enuff for snow shoes.
You kan trust them with enny one whose life aint worth enny more than
the mules. The only wa tu keep the mules into a paster, is tu turn them
into a medder jineing, and let them jump out.
Tha are reddy for use, just as soon as they will du tu abuse.
Tha haint got enny friends, and will live on huckle berry brush, with an
ockasional chanse at Kanada thistels.
Tha are a modern invenshun, i dont think the Bible deludes tu them at
tall.
Tha sel for more money than enny other domestik animile. Yu kant tell
their age by looking into their mouth, enny more than you kould a
Mexican cannons. Tha never hav no dissease that a good club wont heal.
If tha ever die tha must kum rite tu life agin, for i never herd noboddy
sa “ded mule.”
Tha are like sum men, verry korrupt at harte; ive known them tu be good
mules for 6 months, just tu git a good chanse to kick sumbody.
I never owned one, nor never mean to, unless thare is a United Staits
law passed, requiring it.
The only reason why tha are pashunt, is bekause tha are ashamed ov
themselfs.
I have seen eddikated mules in a sirkus.
Tha kould kick, and bite, tremenjis. I would not sa what I am forced tu
sa again the mule, if his birth want an outrage, and man want tu blame
for it.
Enny man who is willing tu drive a mule, ought to be exempt by law from
running for the legislatur.
Tha are the strongest creeturs on earth, and heaviest ackording tu their
sise; I herd tell ov one who fell oph from the tow path, on the Eri
kanawl, and sunk as soon as he touched bottom, but he kept rite on
towing the boat tu the nex stashun, breathing thru his ears, which stuck
out ov the water about 2 feet 6 inches; i did’nt see this did, but an
auctioneer told me ov it, and i never knew an auctioneer tu lie unless
it was absolutely convenient.
BED BUGS.
I never see ennybody yet but what despised _Bed Bugs_. They are the
meanest ov aul crawling, creeping, hopping, or biteing things.
They dassent tackle a man bi dalite, but sneak in, after dark, and chaw
him while he iz fast asleep.
A musketo will fight you in broad dalite, at short range, and giv you a
chance tew knock in hiz sides--the flea iz a game bugg, and will make a
dash at you even in Broadway--but the bed-bugg iz a garroter, who waits
till you strip, and then picks out a mellow place tew eat you.
If i was ever in the habit ov swearing, i wouldn’t hesitate to damn a
bed bugg right tew hiz face.
Bed bugs are uncommon smart in a _small_ way; one pair ov them will
stock a hair mattrass in 2 weeks, with bugs enuff tew last a small
family a whole year.
It don’t do enny good to pray when bed bugs are in season; the only way
tew git rid ov them iz tew bile up the whole bed in aqua fortis, and
then heave it away and buy a new one.
Bed buggs, when they hav grone aul they intend to, are about the size ov
a bluejay’s eye, and hav a brown complexion, and when they start out to
garrote are az thin az a grease spot, but when they git thru garroting
they are swelled up like a blister.
It takes them 3 days tew git the swelling out ov them.
If bed buggs have enny destiny to fill, it must be their stummuks; but
it seems tew me that they must hav bin made by acksident, jist az
slivvers are, tew stick into sumboddy.
If they waz got up for sum wise purpose, they must hav took the wrong
road, for there kant be enny wisdum in chawing a man aul night long, and
raising a family, besides, tew foller the same trade.
If there iz sum wisdum in aul this, I hope the bed buggs will chaw them
folks who kan see it, and leave me be, bekause i am one ov the
hereticks.
THE FLEA.
The smallest animal ov the brute creashun, and the most pesky, iz the
_Flea_.
They are about the bigness ov an onion seed, and shine like a bran new
shot.
They spring from low places, and kan spring further and faster than enny
ov the bug-brutes.
They bite wuss than the musketoze, for they bite on a run; one flea will
go aul over a man’s subburbs in 2 minnitts, and leave him az freckled az
the meazels.
It iz impossible to do ennything well with a flea on you, except sware,
and fleas aint afraid ov that; the only way iz tew quit bizzness ov aul
kinds and hunt for the flea, and when you have found him, he ain’t
thare. Thiz iz one ov the flea mysterys, the fackulty they hav ov being
entirely lost jist as soon as you hav found them.
I don’t suppose thare iz ever killed, on an average, during enny one
year, more than 16 fleas, in the whole ov the United States ov America,
unless thare iz a cazualty ov sum kind. Once in a while thare iz a dogg
gits drowned sudden, and then thare may be a few fleas lost.
They are about az hard to kill az a flaxseed iz, and if you don’t mash
them up az fine az ground pepper they will start bizzness agin, on a
smaller kapital, jist az pestiverous az ever.
Thare iz lots ov people who have never seen a flea, and it takes a
pretty smart man tew see one ennyhow; they don’t stay long in a place.
If you ever ketch a flea, kill him before you do ennything else; for if
you put it oph 2 minnits, it may be too late.
Menny a flea haz past away forever in less than 2 minnits.
NOT ENNY SHANGHI FOR ME.
The shanghi ruseter is a gentile, and speaks in a forrin tung.
He is bilt on piles like a Sandy Hill crane.
If he had bin bilt with 4 legs, he wud resembel the peruvian lama.
He is not a game animil, but quite often cums off sekund best in a ruff
and tumble fite; like the injuns, tha kant stand sivilization, and are
fast disappearing.
Tha roost on the ground, similar tew the mud turkle.
Tha oftin go to sleep standing, and sum times pitch over, and when tha
dew, tha enter the ground like a pickaxe.
Thare food consis ov korn in the ear.
Tha crow like a jackass, troubled with the bronskeesucks.
Tha will eat as mutch tu onst as a district skule master, and ginerally
sit down rite oph tew keep from tipping over.
[Illustration: SHANGHI.]
Tha are dredful unhandy tew cook, yu hav tu bile one eend ov them tu a
time, yu kant git them awl into a potash kittle tu onst.
The femail ruster lays an eg as big as a kokernut, and is sick for a
week afterwards, and when she hatches out a litter of yung shanghis she
has tew brood them standing and then kant kiver but 3 ov them--the rest
stand around on the outside, like boys around a cirkus tent, gitting a
peep under the kanvas when ever tha kan.
The man who fust brought the breed into this kuntry ought tew own them
all and be obliged tew feed them on grasshoppers, caught bi hand.
I never owned but one and he got choked tu deth bi a kink in a clothes
line, but not until he had swallered 18 feet ov it.
Not enny shanghi for me, if yu pleze; i wuld rather board a travelling
kolporter, and as for eating one, give me a biled owl rare dun, or a
turkee buzzard, roasted hole, and stuffed with a pair ov injun rubber
boots, but not enny shanghi for me, not a shanghi!
Speaking ov hens, leads me tew remark, in the fust place, that hens,
thus far, are a suckcess.
They are domestick, and occasionally are tuff.
This iz owing tew their not being biled often enuff in their younger
daze; but the hen ain’t tew blame for this.
Biled hen iz universally respekted.
Thare iz a grate deal ov originality tew the hen--exactly how mutch i
kant tell, historians fight so mutch about it. Sum say Knower had hens
with him in the ark and sum say he didn’t. So it goes, which and tuther.
I kant tell yu which waz born fust, the hen or the egg; sumtimes i think
the egg waz--and sumtimes i think the hen waz--and sumtimes i think i
don’t kno, and i kant tell now, which way iz right, for the life ov me.
Laying eggs iz the hen’s best grip.
A hen that kant lay eggs--iz laid out.
One egg iz konsidered a fair day’s work for a hen. I hav herd ov their
doing better, but i don’t want a hen ov mine tew do it--it iz apt tew
hurt their constitution and bye-laws, and thus impare their futer worth.
The poet sez, butifully:
“Sumboddy haz stole our old blew hen!
I wish they’d let her bee;
She used tew lay 2 eggs a day,
And Sundays she’d lay 3.”
This sounds trew enuff for poetry, but i will bet 75 thousand dollars
that it never took place.
The best time tew sett a hen, is when the hen is reddy.
I kant tell you what the best breed is, but the shanghigh is the
meanest. It kosts as mutch tew board one, as it duz a stage hoss, and yu
mite as well undertake tew fat a fanning-mill, by running oats thru it.
Thare aint no proffit in keeping a hen for his eggs, if he laze less
than one a day.
Hens are very long lived, if they dont contrakt the thrut
disseaze,--thare is a grate menny goes tew pot, evry year, bi this
melankolly disseaze.
I kant tell exactly how tew pick out a good hen, but as a general thing,
the long-eared ones, are kounted the best.
The one-legged ones, i kno, are the lest ap tew skratch up a garden.
Eggs packed in equal parts ov salt, and lime water, with the other end
down, will keep from 30, or 40, years, if they are not disturbed.
Fresh beef-stake is good for hens; i serpose 4 or 5 pounds a day, would
be awl a hen would need, at fust along.
I shall be happee tew advise with yu, at enny time, on the hen question,
and--take it in egg.
THE AUNT.
The ant iz a menny footted insekt.
They live about one thousand five hundred and fifty of them (more or
less), in the same hole in the ground, and hold their property in
common.
They hav no holydays, no eight-hour sistem, nor never strike for enny
higher wages.
They are cheerful little toilers, and hav no malice, nor back door to
their hearts.
Their iz no sedentary loafers amung them, and yu never see one out ov a
job.
They git up arly, go tew bed late, work all the time, and eat on the
run.
Yu never see two ants argueing sum phoolish question that neither ov
them didn’t understand; they don’t kare whether the moon iz inhabited,
or not; nor whether a fish weighing two pounds, put into a pail ov water
allreddy phull, will make the pail slop over, or weigh more.
They ain’t a-hunting after the philosopher’s stone, nor gitting crazy
over the cauze of the sudden earthquakes.
They don’t care whether Jupiter iz 30 or 31 millions ov miles up in the
air, nor whether the arth bobs around on its axes or not, so long az it
don’t bob over their korn krib and spill their barley.
They are simple, little, bizzy aunts, full ov faith, working hard,
living prudently, committing no sin, prazeing God by minding their own
bizzness, and dieing when their time cums, tew make room for the next
crop ov aunts.
They are a reproach to the lazy, an encouragement tew the industrious, a
rebuke tew the viscious, and a studdy to the Christian.
If yu want tew take a lesson in arkitekture, go and set down bi the side
ov their hole in the ground, and wonder how so menny kan liv so thick.
If yure pashunce needs consolashun, watch the ants, and be strengthened.
If man had (added tew hiz capacity) the pashunce and grit ov theze
little atoms ov animated natur, every mountin on the buzzum ov the arth
would, before this, hav bin levelled, and every inch ov surface would
scream with fruitfulness, and countless lots ov human critters would hav
bin added to the inhabitants ov the universe, and bin fed on corn and
other sass.
I hav sot by the hour and a haff down near an aunt-hill, and marvelled;
hav wondered at their instinkts, and hav thought how big must be the
jackass who waz satisfied to beleave that even an ant, the least ov the
bugs, could hav been created, made bizzy, and sot to work by _chance_.
Oh, how i do pity the individual who beleaves that all things here are
the work ov an acksident! He robs himself ov all plezzure on earth, and
all right in Heaven.
I had rather be an ant (even a humbly, bandy-legged, profane swearing
ant), than to look upon the things ov this world az i would on the throw
ov the dice.
Ants are older than Adam.
Man (_for very wize reasons_) want bilt untill all other things were
finished, and pronounced good.
If man had bin made fust he would hav insisted upon bossing the rest ov
the job.
He probably would hav objekted to having enny little bizzy aunts at all,
and various other objekshuns would hav bin offered, equally green.
I am glad that man waz the last thing made.
If man hadn’t hav bin made at all, you would never hav heard me find
enny fault about it.
I haven’t much faith in man, not bekauze he kant do well but bekauze he
wont.
Ants hav bye laws, and a constitushun, and they mean sumthing.
Their laws aint like our laws, made with a hole in them, so that a man
kan steal a hoss and ride thru them on a walk.
They don’t hav enny whisky ring, that iz virtewous, simply, bekauze it
hooks bi the millyun, and then legalizes its own ackts.
They don’t hav enny legislators that yu kan buy, nor enny judges, laying
around on the haff shell, reddy tew be swallered.
I rather like the aunts, and think now I shall sell out mi money and
real estate, and jine them.
I had rather jine them than the bulls or the bears, i like their morals
better.
The bulls and the bears handle more money, it iz true, and make a grate
deal more noize in Wall street, one ov them sticking his horn into a
flabby piece ov Erie and tossing it up into the air, and the other
ketching it when it cums down, and trampling it under hiz paws.
This may be phun for the bulls and the bears, but it iz wuss than the
cholera morbust for poor Erie.
Ants never disturb Erie; yu couldn’t sell one eny Erie, enny more than
you could sell one skrip on the cod-fish banks ov Nufoundland.
Ants are a honest, hard-tugging little people, but whether they marry,
and giv in marriage, iz beyond my strength; but if they don’t they are
no wuzz oph than they are out west (near the city of Chicago), where
they marry to-day and apply for an injunkshun to-morrow; and are reddy
the next day to fite it out agin on sum other line.
Wedlok out west (near the grate grain mart Chicago) iz one ov them kind
ov locks that almost enny boddy kan pick.
SUM SNAIX.
THE ADDER.
The adder iz az spotted az a checker-board, and are very butiful tew
admire at a propper distance oph.
They hav a koal blak eye, which revolves on its axis, and shines like a
glass bead.
They kan be found in wet places, and are handy tew liv, both down in the
water, and up on the top ov the land. They kan slip oph from an old
bridge, or a log, into a mill pond, az natral, and az eazy, az a pint ov
turpentine, and kno how tew swim, and wave, on the brest ov sum water
like the shaddo ov the weeping willo.
They are harmless tew bight, but one adder, would spile all the bathing
thare waz in a mill pond for me, when i waz a boy.
THE STRIPED SNAIK.
The striped snaix is one ov the garden varietys. They inhabit door
yards, and stun heaps down at the foot ov the garden, and piles ov old
boards, and weedy spots, and grass generally.
[Illustration]
They are the domestik snaik, if thare iz enny such thing, and are really
az harmless az an old garter, but az full ov fraid tew almost every
boddy, az a torpedo.
The fust snaix, we hav enny ackount ov much, waz the devil, surnamed
bellyzebubb, who wiggled his way into the Garden of Eden, and without a
single trump in hiz hand, beat our two original ansesstors, out ov joy
inneffible, and glory halleluyer forever, and gave them in exchange for
it sorrow without stint, and wo unutterabel. This was an unkommon poor
trade for the human family. All snaiks are sneaks, and steal around on
their slippry stummuks, az still, and greazy, az lamp ile.
Snaix kant stand the enkroachments ov civilizashun, the seed ov the
woman iz alwus after them with a long pole, and a man, post haste for a
doktor, will alwuss dismount, and hich hiz animile hoss, tew put an
extra hed onto a snaix.
This kind ov treatment has alwus made snaiks raizing a dredful risky
bizzness teu follow.
Out ov one thousand snaixs born annually, the staytisstix sho 930 ov
them die in a grate hurry, espeshily whare churches and school houses
flourish.
I don’t kno ov a more unhelthy spot in the world for a snaix teu settle
down and undertaik teu bring up a family than near a distrikt school
house.
Let enny body just holler “_striped snaix_” once, near a distrikt school
house, and you will see the snaix begin teu paddle, and the young ones
begin tew bile out like hornets out ov their nest, and proceed for that
snaix like a flok of young turkeys for a Junebug.
Striped snaiks are about two feet and one haff in length, and about one
inch in diameter, and “thareby hangs a tail.”
THE BLUE RACER.
The blue racer is a Western snaik, about 6 feet in length, ov a pale
blue color, and the smartest snaix, for suddenness, in the universe.
They kan run, on a unmown meaddo, as fast as ahoss, with their heds
about 2 foot high, and their whole boddy bileing with muscles.
They are az harmless az a rabbit, and will run if you chase them, and
then will turn and chase you, if you want them tew play “_tag_.”
They are froliksom cusses, but I never did hanker for sitch kind of
refreshments.
They are the nicest kind ov a mark to shoot at.
Draw a fine sight on their heds when they hold up abov the turf, and let
them hav one barrell ov number 6 shot, and the hed will be missing, and
the ballance ov the snaix will be looking after the hed in a grate
hurry, turning all sorts of back summersets and double and twisted bo
knots, and hirogliphick kontortions for 20 minutes, before they make up
their mind that it is safe tew die.
It is a dredful krewel sight tew see them ketch a frog, it iz alwus done
on a run, and done quick, for the poor frog don’t stand enny more chance
ov getting away than a chesnutt tree duz when lightning fires up, and
goes for it.
They swallo the frog whole, and stik out with a frog in them like a yung
purp who haz allowed a quart ov buttermilk tew find its way into him.
THE BLAK SNAIK.
The blak snaix iz the only one i kno ov who kan klimb a tree without
boosting, and take the yung birds out ov their nests oph from the
topmost limb.
They are az handy in a tree top az a yung munkey, but are not pizon tew
bight.
They hav a festive way ov choking things tew death by making a cravat ov
themselfs around the thruts ov their victims.
I hav herd ov wicked children being killed in this way, but never knu a
boy who tended Sunday skool regular, and who want sassy tew hiz
grandfather, and who didn’t eat enny green apples, and hav the stummuk
ake in consequents, to get choked bi a blak snaix.
Wicked little boys, who pla marbles on Sunday, and who say “_Go up, old
bald hed_,” and who put kittens into tar barrels will make a note ov
this.
The blak snaix iz about 5 feet in length, and sumtimes haz a white ring
around hiz nek.
There iz very little poetry in snaix ov enny kind, untill they git their
heds smashed, and here iz just whare the poetry comes in.
There ain’t much poetry in me, but if I waz called upon tew write an
obituary notiss for the whole race ov snaix, who lay dead in one pile, i
would take oph mi coat, rool up mi sleeves, and saliva mi hands, and
rite sum verses that i wouldn’t be ashamed ov enny how, for i should
expekt the solemnity ov the ockashun would help me out ov the skrape.
THE MILK SNAIK.
The milk snaix hangs around pasture lots, and iz said tew fasten onto
the udders ov the cows, and git hiz milk puntch in this underhand way.
I don’t beleave this, but in writing the biography ov snaix no man iz
obliged tew tell the whole truth about them enny how.
Fish and snaix are two things that authors are apt tew consider the
fackts ov when they write onto them.
I never knu a man yet, not even of fust rate judgment, if he should
ketch a fish that weighed 4 pounds but would guess he weighed 6, and if
he should kill a snaix that was 5 feet, and three inches long, would
want tew sware he waz 14 foot long, without taking the krooks out ov
him.
This iz human natur, and human natur is heavy on a marvel.
The Bible sez, “_marvel not_,” and altho i look upon all things in the
Bible with the utmost venerashun, I hav wondered if Joner’s ketching the
whale just az he did, wasn’t some kind ov authority for the fish storys
ov the present daze.
If a man in theze times should ketch a whale az Joner did, he would
write an ackount ov it, and travel around the kuntry and lektur onto it,
and when he deskribed the size ov that whale, if a man wan’t smart in
figgures, he would git a poor idea of the animile’s dimenshuns.
I never have saw a milk snaix yet, and if i phool mi _life_ away, and
don’t never see one, I don’t intend tew mourn inkonsolably about it.
I hav alreddy seen all the snaix I want to, and wouldn’t go a haff a
mile from here to see all the snaix on the buzzum ov the earth unless
thare waz a bonfire ov them.
Snaix ov all kinds hav got but one destiny tew fill, and Divine
Providence haz fixt that; it is tew git their heds squeezed by a
suitable sized pebble.
THE RACCOON, AND THE PETTYFOGGER.
The Raccoon iz a resident of the United States ov America; he emigrated
tew this country, soon after its diskovery by Columbus, without a cent,
and nothing but hiz claws tew git a living with.
He iz one ov them kind ov persons whoze hide iz worth more than all the
rest ov him.
He resides among the heavy timber, and cultivates the cornfields and
nabring garden sass for sustenance, and understands hiz bizzness.
Hiz family consists ov a wife and three children, who liv with him on
the inside ov a tree.
He can alwus be found at home during the day, reddy tew receive calls,
but his nights are devoted tew looking after hiz own affairs.
He dresses in soft fur, and hiz tail, which iz round, haz rings on it.
Theze rings are ov the same material that the tail iz, and are worn upon
all occasions.
During the winter he ties himself up into a hard not and lays down by
hiz fireside.
When spring opens, he opens, and goes out tew see how the chickens hav
wintered.
Hiz life iz as free from labor az a new penny, and if it wasn’t for the
dogs and the rest ov mankind, the rackcoon would find what everyboddy
else haz lost--a heaven upon earth.
But the dogs tree him and the men skin him, and what there iz left ov
him ain’t worth a cuss.
He iz not a natral vagabond like the hedgehog and the alligator, but
luvs to be civilized and liv amung folks; but he haz one vice that the
smartest missionary on earth kan’t redeem, and that iz the art ov
stealing.
He iz seckond only tew the crow in pettit larceny, and will steal what
he kant eat, nor hide.
He will tip over a barrell ov apple sass just for the fun ov mauling the
sass with his feet, and will pull out the plug out ov the mollassis, not
be kause he luvs sugar enny better than he duz yung duck, but jist tew
see if the mollassis haz got a good daub tew it.
I hav studdied animal deviltry for 18 years, bekause the more deviltry
in an animal, the more human he iz.
I can’t find, by sarching the passenger list, that Noah had a coon on
board, but i am willing tew bet 10 pound ov mutton sassage, that mister
coon, and hiz wife were commuted, by stealing a ride.
I never knu a rackcoon tew want ennything long, that he could steal
quick.
Ennyboddy who haz ever looked a coon, right square in the face, will bet
yu a dollar, that he iz a dead beat, or under five hundred dollar bonds,
not tew go into the bizzness, for the next ninety days.
I hav had tame coons by the dozzen, they are az eazy tew tame az a
child, if yu take them young enuff, but i kan’t advise ennybody to
cultivate coons, they want az mutch looking after, az a blind mule on a
tow path, and thare aint enny more profit in them, than thar iz in a
stock dividend, on the Erie Rail Road.
I never waz out ov a pet animal since I kan remember, till now, but i
hav gone out ov the trade forever; lately, i diskovered, that it waz a
good deal like making a whissell out ov a kats tale, ruining a
comfortable tale, and reaping a kursid mean whissel.
Rackcoons liv tew be 65 years old, if they miss the sosiety ov men, and
dogs enuff, but thare aint but few ov them die ov old age; the north
western fur company, are the grate undertakers of the coon family.
I feel sorry for coons; for with a trifle more brains, they would make
respectable pettifoggers before a justiss ov the peace; but even this
would not save them from final perdishun.
Natur don’t make any mistakes, after all; she hits the bull right in the
eye every time: when she wants a rackcoon with rings on hiz tale, she
makes him; and when she wants a pettyfogger, she knows how tew make him,
without spileing a good coon.
Pettyfoggers, no doubt, hav a destiny to fill, and they may enable a
justiss ov the peace, in a cloudy day, tew know a good deal less ov the
law than he otherwize would; still, for all this, if I war obliged tew
pray for one or the other, I think now I should say, Giv us a leetle
more coon, and a good deal less pettyfogger.
If the Raccoon would only giv his whole attenshun tew politicks, thar
ain’t but few could beat him; he is at home on the stump, and menny on
us, _old coons_, kan reckolekt how, in 1840, with nothing but a hard
cider diet, he swept the country, from the north to the south pole, like
a cargo ov epsom salts.
THE FEATHERED ONES.
DUK.
The duk is a foul. Thare aint no doubt about this--naturalists say so,
and kommon sense teaches it.
[Illustration: THE FEATHERED ONES.]
They are bilt sumthing like a hen, and are an up-and-down, flat-footed
job. They don’t kackle like the hen, nor kro like the rooster, nor
holler like the peakok, nor scream like the goose, nor turk like the
turkey; but they quack like a root dokter, and their bill resembles a
vetenary surgeon’s.
They have a woven fut, and kan float on the water az natral az a sope
bubble.
They are pretty mutch all feathers, and when the feathers are all
removed, and their innards out, thare iz just about az mutch meat on
them az thare iz on a krook-necked squash that haz gone tew seed.
Wild duks are very good shooting, and are very good to miss also, unless
yu understand the bizness.
You should aim about three foot ahead ov them, and let them fly up tew
the shot.
I hav shot at them all day, and got nothing but a tail-feather now and
then; but this satisfied me, for i am crazy for all kind ov sport, yu
know.
Thare are sum kind ov duks that are very hard tew kill, even if yu do
hit them. I shot, one whole afternoon, three years ago, at sum dekoy
duks, and never got one ov them. I hav never told ov this before, and
hope no one will repeat it--this iz strikly confidenshall.
TURKEY.
Roast turkey iz good, but turkey with kranberry sass iz better.
The turkey iz a sedate person, and seldum forgits herself by gitting
onto a frolik.
They are ov various colors, and lay from 12 to 18 eggs, and they
generally lay them whare noboddy iz looking for them but themselfs.
Turkeys travel about nine miles a day, during pleasant weather, in
search ov their daily bred, and are smart on a grasshopper, and red hot
on a kriket.
Wet weather iz bad on a turkey--a good smart shower will drown a yung
one, and make an old one look and akt az tho they had just been pulled
out ov a swill barrel with a pair of tongs.
The maskuline turkey or gobler, as they are familiary called, hav
seazons ov strutting which are immense.
I hav seen them blow themselfs up with sentiments of pride or anger, and
travel around a red flannel petticoat hung onto a clothes line just az
tho they waz mad at the petticoat for sumthing it had, did, or sed tew
them.
The hen turkey alwus haz a lonesum look tew me az tho she had been
abuzed bi sumboddy.
Turkeys kan endure az mutch kold weather az the vane on a church
steeple, i hav known them tew roost all night on the top limb ov an oak
tree, with the thermometer 20 degrees belo zero, and in the morning fly
down and wade through the sno in a barn-yard to cool oph.
P. S.--If you kant hav kranberry with roast turkey, apple sass will do.
THE HOSSTRITCH.
The hosstritch iz a citizen ov the dessart, and lay an egg about the
size ov a man’s hed the next day after he haz been on a bumming
excursion.
They resemble in size, and figger about 15 shanghi roosters at once, and
are chiefly important for the feathers which inhabit their tails.
The hosstritch are hunted on hossbak, and they kan trot a mile kluss to
3 minnitts.
They lay their eggs in the sand, and i think the heat ov the sand
hatches them out.
They ain’t bilt right for hatchin out eggs, enny more than a large-sized
figger 4 iz.
I don’t kno whether their eggs are good tew eat or not, but i guess not
for i never have seen ham and hosstritch eggs advertised on enny ov our
fashionable bills ov fare.
Biled hosstritch may be nourishing and may be not; I think this would
depend a good deal upon who waz called upon tew eat it.
I shan’t never enquire for biled hosstritch az long az i remain in mi
right mind.
If the hosstritch iz a blessing tew the dessert country I hope they will
stay thare, for so long as we hav the turkey buzzard, and the Sandy Hill
Crane, I feel az tho we could git along, and endure life.
I am writing this essa on the hosstritch a good deal by guess, for i hav
never seen them in their natiff land, nor never mean to, for jist so
long az i kan git 3 meals a day, and liv whare grass groze, and water
runs, i don’t mean tew hanker for hot sand.
THE PARROT.
The parrot iz a bird ov menny colours, and inklined tew talk.
They take holt ov things with their foot, and hang on like a pair ov
pinchers.
They are the only bird i kno ov who kan konverse in the inglish
language, but like meny other nu beginners, they kan learn tew swear the
eazyest.
They are kept az pets, and like all other pets, are useless.
In a wild state ov nature, they may be ov sum use, but they looze about
90 per cent ov their value by civilizashun.
They resemble the border injun in this respekt.
When yu cum tew take 90 per cent oph from most enny thing, except the
striped snaik, it seems tew injure the proffits.
I owned a parrot once, for about a year, and then gave him away, i
haven’t seen the man I giv him to since, but i presume he looks upon me
az a mean kuss.
If i owned all the parrotts thare iz in the United States, I would
banish them immejiately tew their native land, with the provizo that
they should stay thare.
I don’t make theze remarks tew injure the feelings ov thoze who hav sot
their pheelings on parrotts, or pets ov enny kind, for i kant help but
think that a person who gives up their time and tallents tew pets, even
a sore eyed lap dorg, displays grate nobility ov karakter. (This last
remark wants tew be took different from what it reads.)
THE BOBALINK.
The bobalink iz a blak bird with white spots on him.
They make their appearanse in the northern states about the 10th ov
June, and commence bobalinking at once.
They inhabit the open land, and luv a meadow that iz a leetle damp.
The female bird don’t sing, for the male makes noize enuff for the whole
family.
They have but one song, but they understand that perfektly well.
When they sing their mouths git az phull ov musik az a man’s duz ov
bones who eats fried herring for brekfast.
Bobolinks are kept in cages, and three or four ov them in one room make
just about as mutch noize az an infant class repeating the
multiplikashun table all at once.
THE EAGLE.
Thare iz a grate deal ov poetry in eagles; they kan look at the sun
without winking; they kan split the clouds with their flashing speed;
they kan pierce the blu etherial away up ever so fur; they kan plunge
into midnight’s blak space like a falling star; they kan set on a giddy
krag four thousand miles hi, and looking down onto a green pasture kan
tell whether a lamb iz phatt enough tew steal or not.
Jupiter, the Peterfunk, god ov the anshunts, had a grate taste for
eagles, if we kan beleave what the poeks sing.
I hav seen the bald-headed eagle and shot them in all their native
majesty, and look upon them with the same kind ov venerashun that i do
upon all sheep stealers.
NATRAL HISTORY.
It is not the moste deliteful task, tew write the natral history ov the
_Louse_, thare iz enny quantity of thorobred folks, who would konsidder
it a kontaminashun, az black az pattent leather, to _say_ louse, or even
_think_ louse, but a louse is a fackt, and aul fackts are never more at
home, nor more unwilling to move, than when they git into the head. The
_louse_ is one ov the gems ov antiquity. They are worn in the hair, and
are more ornamental than useful.
Not having enny encyclopedia from which tew sponge mi informashun, and
then pass it oph for mi own creashun, i shall be forced, while talking
about the louse, “tew fight it out on the line” ov observashun, and when
mi knowledge, and experience gives out, i shall tap mi imaginashun, ov
which i hav a crude supply.
Book edukashun iz a phatting thing, it makes a man stick out with other
folks opinyuns, and iz a good thing tu make the vulgar rool up the white
ov their eyes, and wonder how enny man could ever kno so mutch wisdum.
Schooling, when I waz a colt, didn’t lie around so loose az it duz now,
and learning waz picked up oftner by running yure head aginst a stun
wall, than by enny other kind ov mineralogy.
I have studied botany all day, in a flat meadow, pulling cowslops for
greens, and then classified them, by picking them over and gitting them
reddy for the pot.
All the astronomy i ever got i larnt in spearing suckers bi moonlite,
and mi geoligy culminated at the further end of a woodchucks hole,
espeshily if i got the woodchuck.
Az for moral philosophy and rhetorick, if it iz the science ov hooking
green apples and water-mellons 30 years ago, and being auful sorry for
it now, i am up head in that class.
But all this iz remote from the louse.
The louse iz a familiar animal, very sedentary in hiz habits, not apt
tew git lost. They kan be cultivated without the aid ov a guide book,
and with half a chance will multiply and thicken az much az pimples on
the goose.
Thare iz no ground so fruitful for the full development ov this little
domestick collateral, az a districkt school hous, and while the yung
idea iz breaking its shell, and playing hide and go seek on the inside
ov the dear urchins skull, the louse iz playing tag on the outside, and
quite often gets on to the school mom.
I hav alwus had a hi venerashun for the louse, not bekause i consider
them az enny evidence of genius, or even neatness, but becauze they
remind me ov my boyhood innocence, the days away back in the alpahabet
ov memory, when i sot on the flatt side ov a slab bench, and spelt out
old Webster with one hand, and stirred the top ov my head with the
other.
Philosophikally handled, the louse are gregarious, and were a complete
suckcess at one time in Egypt, bible historians don’t hesitate tew say,
that they were aul the rage at that time, the whole crust ov the earth
simmered and biled with them, like a pot ov steaming flax seed, they
were a drug in the market.
But this waz more louse than waz necessary, or pleasant, and waz a
punishment for sum sin, and ain’t spoke ov, az a matter tew brag on.
The louse are all well enuff in their place, and for the sake ov
variety, perhaps a few ov them are just az good az more would be.
They were desighned for sum wize purpose, and for that very reason, are
respektabel.
When, (in the lapse of time,) it cums tew be revealed to us, that a
single louse, chewing away on the summit ov Daniel Webster’s head, when
he waz a little schoolboy, waz the telegraphick tutch tew the wire that
bust the fust idee in hiz brain, we shall see wisdom in the louse, and
shant stick up our noze, untill we turn a back summersett, at these
venerable soldjers, in the grand army ov progression.
After we hav reached years ov discretion, and have got our edukashun,
and our karakters have got done developing, and we begin tew hold
offiss, and are elekted justiss ov the peace, for instance, and don’t
seem tew need enny more louse tew stir us up, it iz time enuff then tew
be sassy to them.
Az for me, thare iz only one piece (thus far) ov vital creation, that i
aktually _hate_, and that iz a bed-bugg. I simply _dispize_ snaiks,
_fear_ musketoze, _avoid_ fleas, don’t _associate_ with the cockroach,
_go around_ toads, _back out_ square for a hornet.
Nevertheless, moreover, to wit, i must say, even at this day of
refinement, and bell letters, i do aktually luv to stand on tip-toe, and
see a romping, red-cheeked, blew-eyed boy, chased up stairs and then
down stair, and then out in the garden, and finally caught and throwed,
and held firmly between hiz mother’s kneeze, and see an old, warped,
fine-toothed horn comb go and come, half buried through a flood ov
lawless hair, and drag each trip to the light, a fat and lively
louse--and, in conclusion, to hear him pop as mother pins him with her
thum nail fast tew the center ov the comb, fills me chuck up to the brim
with something, i don’t know what the feeling iz; perhaps sumboddy out
ov a job can tell me.
KATS.
A kat iz sed to hav 9 lives, but i beleaf they dont hav but one square
deth.
It iz allmost unpossible to tell when a kat iz ded without the aid ov a
koroners jury.
I hav only one way miself to judge ov a ded kat.
[Illustration: KATS.]
If a kat iz killed in the fall ov the year, and thrown over the stun
wall into yure nabors lot, and lays thare all winter under a sno bank,
and dont thaw out in the spring, and keeps quiet during the summer
months, and aint missing when winter sets in agin, I have alwus sed,
that, ‘_that kat_,’ waz ded, or waz playing the thing dredful fine.
Speaking ov kats, mi opinyun iz, and will continue to be, that the
old-fashioned kaliko-coulered kats iz the best breed for a man ov
moderate means, who haint got but little munny to put into kats.
They propugate the most intensely, and lay around the stove more regular
than the Maltese, or the brindle kind.
The yeller kat iz a fair kat, but they ain’t reliable; they are apt tew
stay out late nights, and once in a while git on a bad bust.
Blak kats hav a way ov gitting on the top ov the wood-house when other
folks hav gone tew bed, and singing dewets till their voices spile, and
their tails swell till it seems az tho they must split.
THE HUM BUGG.
The most vain and impudent bug known to naturalists (or enny other
private individual) iz the hum bugg.
They have no very partickular parents nor birth place, are born a good
deal az tud stools are, wherever they kan find a good soft spot.
It haz been sed by commontaters that Satan himself iz the father ov hum
buggs--if this iz a fakt he haz got more children than he kan watch, and
sum very fast yung ones amungst them.
The hum buggs don’t generally live a grate while at once, but have the
fackulty ov dieing in one place, and being suddenly born in another.
They are ov awl genders, including the maskuline, feminine and nutral,
and kan liv and grow phatt whare an honest bugg would starve to death
begging.
The hum bugg will eat enny thing that they kan bite, and rather than
loose a good meal will swaller a thing whole.
Every one sez they dispize the hum bugg and yet every boddy iz anxious
tew make their acquaintance.
They hav the ontra to all cirkles ov sosiety without knocking from the
highest tew the lowest, and tho often kicked out, are welcumed again and
flattered more than ever.
The hum bugg haz more friends than he knows what to do with, but he
manages tew giv general satisfakshun by cheating the whole of them.
The Bible sez “the grasshopper iz a burden”--and i believe it--but i
think the hum bugg iz the heavyest bug ov the two.
But the world kant well spare the hum bugg; take them all out ov the
world, and it would bother even an honest man tew git a living, for
thare doesn’t seem, jist now, to be honesty enuff on hand to do our
immense dry good bizzness with.
Honesty iz undoubtedly the best policy for a long run, but for a short
race, hum bugg haz made sum excellent time.
I hav been bit bad bi this bugg miself several times, but not twice in
the same spot--i follow the Skriptures when i am whare the hum bugg is
plenty, if one bites me on one cheek, i turn him the other cheek also,
but i don’t let him bite the other cheek also.
Thare ain’t enny boddy, i suppose, who acktually pines tew be bit by
this selebrated bugg, they only luv tew see how near they can cum tew it
without missing.
Human natur iz chuck full ov curiosity, curiosity iz jist what hum bugg
makes menny a warm meal oph ov.
Sum ov theze bugg are not so sharp bitten and pizen az others, but this
iz not so mutch owing tew their disposishun az it iz tew their natur;
they all ov them bite the full length ov their teeth.
If thare iz enny boddy who hain’t never been bit bi a hum bugg yet, he
must be sumboddy who has always staid at home with his uncle, and, lived
on bread and milk, or was born numb all the way through, and couldn’t
feel any kind ov a bite.
If i should hear a man brag that one ov these bugs _couldn’t_ bite him,
I should set him down at once for a man who wan’t a good judge ov the
truth. The bite of a hum bugg iz wuss than a hornet’s, and always
different from a dog’s, for the dog growls, and then bites, but the hum
bugg bites, and lets you do the growling.
THE BUGG BEAR.
Natral History has its myths and its ghosts, az well az enny boddy else,
and foremost among these iz--the bugg bear.
The bugg bear iz born from an imaginary egg, and iz hatched by an
imaginary process.
They are like a shadow in the afternoon, always a good deal bigger than
the thing that casts it.
They are compozed ov two entirely different animals, the _bugg_ and the
_bear_, but generally turn out to be pretty much all bug.
They are like the assetts on a bankrupt broker, the more you examine
them, the smaller they grow.
I have known them tew cum out ov a hole like a mice, and grow in tew
minnits az big az an elephant, and then run back agin into the same hole
they cum out ov.
They are like a young wild pigeon in their habits, the biggest when they
are first born.
They are common to all countrys and all peoples, the philosophers hav
seen them az often az the children hav, and ben as badly skared by them.
They are az innocent az a rag doll, but are az full ov deviltry az a
jack lantern.
Bugg bears are az plenty in this world az pins on the side walks, but
noboddy ever sees them but those folks who are alwus hunting for them.
THE GAME CHICKEN.
Lo, and behold the game rooster!
He weighs about 3 pounds and a quarter, more or less, and iz reddy tew
fite for a kingdom. He stands up on hiz feet like a piece ov
ginger-root, with each feacher fastened in its place.
[Illustration: THE GAME CHICKEN.]
Hiz eye gleams in its socket like a soltaire on the queen’s finger.
Hiz head iz like the snaiks head, and his beak shines like the point ov
a dagger.
When he steps, he steps like a bunch ov kat gurt, and hiz crow iz like
the yung injuns fust whoop on the warpath. Hiz plumage gives back the
sun shine like the ruby and amethist, and hiz legs are all golden.
Hiz gaffs are ov burnt steel, and hiz tail and wing feathers are clipped
for the battle.
Bring on the other rooster.
THE DUK.
The Duk iz a kind ov short legged hen.
When cooked they are very good means ov nourishment, in fakt, it will do
to call roste duk and apple sass eazy tew contend with.
The duk haz a big foot for the size ov their boddy, but their foot iz
not the right kind ov a foot for digging in the garden.
Their foot iz like a small spider’s web, only more substanshul bilt.
They are amphipicuss, and kan sale on the water az natral and eazy az a
grease spot.
They kan div in the water az handy az a hull frog, and never git water
soaked.
Water won’t stay quiet on a duk’s back no longer than quicksilver will
whare it iz down hill.
Duks hav a broad bill which enables them tew eat their food without enny
spoon.
They are more proffitable tew keep than a hen, bekauze they kan eat so
mutch faster.
Duks are addikted tew a wild state ov natur, but civilizashun haz did
sumthing handsum for duks, and made them the companyuns ov man and old
wimmin.
Next tew her grand children, an old woman thinks most ov her duks.
The duk iz a good hand tew raze feathers, which groze all over their
person simultanously without enny order.
Thare aint any room on the outside ov a duk for enny more feathers.
They shed their feathers by having them pulled out, and these feathers
make a good, tuff bed.
A duk’s feather bed iz a good place tew raze nite mares on.
Men often call their wifes their “_dear duks_,” this is on ackount ov
their big bills.
The duk don’t kro like a rooster, but quaks like a duk.
They do a good deal ov quacking that don’t amount tew mutch.
Sumtimes doktors are called quacks, but i never hav bin told whi.
The duk iz not the most profitable bird extant for vittles; for, when yu
hav got oph all the feathers, and pull out their stummuk, thare aint
enny more left on them, than thare iz on the outside ov an eg shel.
They are fust rate feeders, and alwus hav a leetle more appetight left.
Their leggs are lokated on their boddy like a pair ov hind leggs, and i
hav seen them eat till they tipt over forwards.
Duks ought to hav a pair ov before leggs, and then they couldn’t eat
themselfs oph from their feet.
Duks la eggs, but don’t la them around loose.
Hunting duks’ eggs iz a mitey cluss transackshun.
A man couldn’t earn 30 cents a day and board himself, hunting duks’
eggs.
The wild duk iz a game bird, and are shot on the wing.
They kan fli next faster tew a wild pigeon, and if yu aim right at them
on the wing, yure shot will hit whare the wild duk just waz.
I hav seen akres ov them git up oph from the water at once; they made az
mutch noize az the breaking up ov a kamp meeting.
I hav often fired into them with a dubble-barrelled gun, when they waz
rizing, with both mi eyes shut, and never injured enny duk, az i kno ov.
I always waz fust rate at missing wild duks on the move.
Sumtimes a duk gits lame, and, when they do, they lay rite down and giv
it up.
Thare ain’t no 2 legged thing on the face ov this earth kan outlimp a
lame duk.
Yu often hear the term “_lame duk_” applied tew sum men, and perhaps
never knu what it ment.
Studdy natur, and yu will find out whare all the truth cums from.
THE SANDY HILL CRANE.
The crane iz neither flesh, beast, nor fowl, but a sad mixtur ov all
theze things.
He mopes along the brinks ov kreeks and wet places, looking for sumthing
he haz lost.
He haz a long bill, long wings, long legs, and iz long all over.
He iz born ov one egg and goes thru life az lonesum az a lasts year’s
bird’s nest.
He livs upon lizzards and frogs, and picks up things with hiz bill az he
would with a pair ov tongs.
He sleeps standing like a gide board, and sumtimes tips over in hiz
dreams, and then hiz bill enters the ground like a pik ax.
When he flies thru the the air, he iz az graceful az a windmill, broke
loose from its fastenings.
Cranes are not very plenty in this world, but the supply, up tew this
date, just about equals the demand.
The crane iz not a good bird for diet; the meat tastes like injun rubber
stretched tight over a clothes hoss.
I never hav et enny crane, nor don’t mean to, untill all the biled owl
in the country givs out.
I kant tell what the Sandy Hill crane waz made for, and it aint none ov
mi bizzness--even a crane from Sandy Hill kan fill hiz destiny, and
praize God loafing along the banks ov a kreek and spearing frogs for hiz
dinner.
I hav spent mutch time among the birds, beasts, and fishes, and expekt
tew spend more, and tho i couldn’t never tell exackly what cumfort a
musketo waz tew the bulk ov mankind, or what kredit he waz tew himself,
i am forced tew admit that enny thing so perfektly and delikately made
iz, to say the least, a dredful smart job.
Cranes are very long-lived, and are az free from guile az a bread pill
iz.
Cranes seldom git shot. Thare iz two reazons for this; one iz, they
alwus keep gitting a leetle further oph; and the other iz, thare would
be no more kredit for a hunter in bringing a ded crane home for game
than thare would be a yeller dog.
MORE SNAIKS.
THE RATTLESNAIX.
The rattlesnaik iz ov a dull yaller color, from four to six feet in
size, ackordin tew length, and all the way ov a bigness.
They hav a pizon tooth, and a dedly natur.
[Illustration: MORE SNAIKS.]
On the further end ov their boddy they hav sum loose bones, which they
kan play a tune upon, which makes the noize from which they take their
name from.
Thare iz only one remidy for the bite ov a rattlesnaik that I kno ov,
and that iz whisky.
I have seen a man that had bin bit bi one, drink three quarts ov whisky,
and be sober enuff all the time tew jine the sons ov tempranse.
I hope I never shall be bit bi a rattlesnaix, not so mutch on ackount ov
the snaik az on ackount ov the whisky.
I think three quarts ov whiskey in mi person at onst would keep me drunk
forevermore.
The grate mortal enemy ov the snaiks iz the hog.
I have seen a woods hog take after a rattlesnaix, and ketch him in
running 50 yards, and with 3 rips and a snatch, tare mister rattlesnaix
into ribbons, and then swallo him whole without saying grace.
The woods, or wild hog, iz the grate snakes eradikator. They will hunt
for them like a setter dog for a woodkok, and if the snaix bight them,
they hav a way ov laying down in a mud hole and soaking the pizon all
out ov them.
THE HOOP SNAIK.
This remarkable snaix haz a funny way ov taking their tail in their
mouth and making a hoop ov themselfs. They kan travel a good gait.
Thare iz a tradishun that the end ov their tale iz ov bone, and iz
filled with pizon, ov the most deadly dimenshuns, but I think this iz
only a lie.
Az I sed before, it iz so natral tew lie about snaix that it iz a great
wonder to me that they don’t leave this world entirely, and take up
their abode sumwhare else, whare they kan hav a fair show.
I am about 7 eights ov a mind tew beleave that the hoop snaix iz one ov
P. T. Barnum kind ov kritters, that yu pay yure money tew see in the
menagarie, and then take yure chances.
The only way tew git at the truth about snaix iz to believe all yu hear,
and more too.
THE ANAKONDY.
The anakondy iz the grate original land snaix, 365 feet in length, 4
feet below the eyes, 19 feet in circumference, and kan swallow an ox
whole, if yu will saw hiz horns off.
They kan wind themselfs around the tallest oaks in the forest, and tare
it up bi the roots, and lay waist a whole village in their wrath.
The anakondy iz a resident ov the tropikal klimates. He would freeze up
solid in Vermont the fust winter, and would be kut up into kord wood bi
the natives.
Anakondy wood, i should think, if it waz green, would make a lazy fire.
THE GARTER SNAIX.
The garter snaik derives hiz name from the habit he haz ov slipping up a
gentlemen’s leg, and tieing himself into an artistik bo knot about hiz
stocking, just belo the knee.
This iz more ornamental than pleasant, and haz been known tew result in
the deth ov the snaix.
I kan imagine several things more pleasant than a live snaix festooned
around one ov my legs; but then I am a nervous individual, and when enny
thing begins tew krawl around on me promiskus, I am too apt tew inquire
into suddenly.
I suppoze thare iz plenty ov stoicks would luv tew hav a snaix do this,
and would pat him on the hed, and chuck him under the chin, and sich
like.
I giv all snaix fair notiss that they kant garter me, and if I couldn’t
git rid of them enny other way, I would dissever miself from the leg,
and stump it the rest ov mi daze.
But the more i reflekt upon theze things, the more i think the garter
snaix iz a mith--a kind of inexplicable thing, indiskribabel, full ov
mistery, and iz a mere type or shaddo ov the old, time-honored garter
itself.
Thare iz a grate deal ov dream-like mist and wonderment in the garter.
They liv in poetry and song, and are seldum seen.
THE EEL SNAIK.
The eel snaix iz the only kind that iz valuable for food.
They will bight a hook az cheerfully az a snapping turtle, and hang on
like a puppy tew an old kowhide boot.
They are much eazier tew git onto a hook than to git oph, for when yu
draw them out ov the water they will tie themselfs and the fish line
into more than 7 hundred dilemmas.
I had just az leafs take a bumbel bee oph from a dandylion az an eel off
from a hook.
Fried eels are sed tew be good, but I alwus hav tew shut at least one
eye when I eat them.
I don’t know az an eel iz the same az a snaix exactly, but they are near
enuff to suit me.
THE SEE SARPENT SNAIX.
The see sarpent snaik beats all the snaix that have ever put in an
appearanse yet.
Thare ain’t but one ov them, and he haz only been seen 5 times az yet.
The fust time he was seen waz off Nahant, on the Amerikan shore, and waz
seen thare twice afterwards.
He haz been seen twice at Newport, and we are told by the knowing ones,
that he certainly may be expekted thare next season, and all judicious
persons are urged tew engage their rooms at the hotels, in time tew
witness the grate moral show.
This snaix iz believed bi naturalists tew be one thousand feet in
length, with a head on him az big az a two story log-hous.
He mezzures one hundred feet in diameter, and iz 90 feet from hiz mouth
tew the baze ov hiz fust phin.
He haz tew rows ov teeth in his upper and lower jaws, each tooth being
three foot in length, and requires 10 tons ov fish for hiz daily
support.
He coils himself about the largest whale, and crushes him tew jelly, in
about 15 minnitts.
He travels between the coast ov Labrador and the Gulph ov Mexico, and
kan make, aginst a hed wind, one hundred and thirty-six nots an hour.
The crowned heds ov Europe would giv almost ennything if he would visit
their shores, but he iz the _Grate Amerikan Snaix_, and don’t hav tew
leave home.
THE KOPPER-HED SNAIX.
This pison kuss iz about 18 inches long, ov a dark yello colour, and az
phull ov natral venom az a quart ov modern whiskey.
They live on the side hills amung the rocks and stones, and are alwus
reddy tew bight at a minnitt’s notiss.
They are the meanest snaix that meanders for a living, and thare iz
pizen enuff in one ov them to kill oph a whole tribe ov border injuns,
if it waz judiciously applied.
I have killed them miself in the month ov August when they waz so phull
ov deadly virus that it would make yu sea-sik tew look at them.
I kant think ov a meaner deth than tew be bit by a kopper-hed and then
lay down and die; it iz almost az unpleasant az being hung.
Snaix dun a bad job for man in the gardin ov Eden, and whi they are
still allowed tew hang around this world iz one ov thoze misterys which
are a hard job for an unedukated man like me tew explain.
I abhor a snaix ov enny kind, but when they hav the power ov pizoning a
fellow, added tew their ability tew skare him into fits, they are
sublimely pestiverous.
THE BLU JAY AND OTHERS.
THE BLUJAY.
The blujay iz the dandy amung birds, a feathered fop, a jackanapes by
natur, and ov no use only tew steal korn and eat it on a rail.
[Illustration: THE BLUJAY.]
They are a misterious bird, for I hav seen them solitary and alone in
the wooded wilderness, one hundred miles from enny sighns ov
civilizashun.
Az a means ov diet, they are just about az luxurious az a biled indigo
bag would be, such az the washwimmin use tew blue their clothes with.
The blujay haz no song--they kant sing even “From Greenland’s Icy
Mountains;” but i must sa that a flok ov them, flying amung the
evergreens on a kold winter’s morning, are hi colored and eazy tew look
at.
It iz hard work for me to say a harsh word aginst the birds, but when i
write their history it iz a duty i owe tew posterity not to lie.
THE QUAIL.
The quail iz a game bird, about one size bigger than the robin, and so
sudden that they hum when they fly.
They hav no song, but whissell for musik; the tune iz solitary and sad.
They are shot on the wing, and a man may be good in arithmetick, fust
rate at parseing, and even be able tew preach acceptably, but if he
hain’t studdied quail on the wing, he might az well shoot at a streak ov
lightning in the sky az at a quail on the go.
Briled quail, properly supported with jellys, toast, and a champane
Charlie, iz just the most diffikult thing, in mi humble opinyun, to beat
in the whole history ov vittles and sumthing tew drink.
I am no gourmand, for i kan eat bred and milk five days out ov seven,
and smak mi lips after i git thru, but if i am asked to eat briled quail
by a friend, with judishious accompanyments, i blush at fust, then bow
mi hed, and then smile sweet acquiescence--in other words, I always
quail before such a request.
THE PATRIDGE.
The patridge iz also a game bird. Their game iz tew drum on a log in the
spring ov the year, and keep both eyes open, watching the sportsmen.
Patridges are shot on the wing, and are az easy to miss az a ghost iz.
It iz phun enuff to see the old bird hide her yung brood when danger iz
near. This must be seen, it kant be described and make enny boddy
beleave it.
The patridge, grouse, and pheasant are cousins, and either one ov them
straddle a gridiron natural enuff tew hav bin born thare.
Take a couple of yung patridges and pot them down, and serve up with the
right kind ov a chorus, and they beat the ham sandwich yu buy in the
Camden and Amboy Railroad 87 1-2 per cent.
I have eat theze lamentabel Nu Jersey ham sandwich, and must sa that i
prefer a couple ov bass wood chips, soaked in mustard water, and stuk
together with Spalding’s glue.
THE WOODKOK.
The woodkok iz one ov them kind ov birds who kan git up from the ground
with about az much whizz, and about az bizzy az a fire-kracker, and fly
away az krooked az a kork-skrew.
They feed on low, wet lands, and only eat the most delikate things.
They run their tungs down into the soft earth, and gather tender juices
and tiny phood.
They hav a long, slender bill, and a rich brown plumage, and when they
lite on the ground yu lose sight ov them az quick az yu do ov a drop ov
water when it falls into a mill pond.
The fust thing yu generally see ov a woodkok iz a _whizz_, and the last
thing a _whurr_.
How so many ov them are killed on the wing iz a mistery to me, for it iz
a quicker job than snatching pennys oph a red-hot stove.
I hav shot at them often, but i never heard ov my killing one ov them
yet.
They are one ov the game birds, and menny good judges think they are the
most elegant vittles that wear feathers.
THE GUINA HEN.
The guina hen iz a spekled kritter, smaller than the goose, and bigger
than the wild pigeon.
They hav a keen eye, and a red kokade on their heds, and alwas walk on
the run.
They lay eggs in great profushun, but they lay them so much on the sly,
that they often kan’t find them themselfs.
They are az freckled az a coach dog, and just about az tuff tew eat az a
half-biled krow.
They hav a voic like a piccallo flute, and for racket two ov them kan
make a saw that iz being filed ashamed ov itself.
They are a very shy bird, and the nearer yu git tew them the further
they git oph.
They are more ornamental than uceful, but are chiefly good tew frighten
away hawks.
They will see a hawk up in the sky three miles and a-half off, and will
begin at once tew holler and make a fuss about it.
THE GOSLIN.
The goslin iz the old goose’s yung child. They are yeller all over, and
az soft az a ball ov worsted. Their foot iz wove whole, and they kan
swim az eazy az a drop of kaster oil on the water.
They are born annually about the 15th ov May, and never waz known tew
die natually.
If a man should tell me he had saw a goose die a natral and square deth,
I wouldn’t believe him under oath after that, not even if he swore he
had lied about seeing a goose die.
The goose are different in one respekt from the human family, who are
sed tew grow weaker but wizer; whereaz a goslin alwus grows tuffer and
more phoolish.
I hav seen a goose that they sed waz 93 years old last June, and he
didn’t look an hour older than one that waz 17.
The goslin waddles when he walks, and paddles when he swims, but never
dives, like a duk, out ov sight in the water, but only changes ends.
The food ov the goslin iz rye, corn, oats, and barley, sweet apples,
hasty pudding, and biled kabbage, cooked potatoze, raw meat, and
turnips, stale bred, kold hash, and the buckwheat kakes that are left
over.
They ain’t so partiklar az sum pholks what they eat, and won’t git mad
and quit if they kan’t hav wet toast and lam chops every morning for
breakfast.
If i waz a going tew keep boarders, i wouldn’t want enny better feeders
than an old she goose and 12 goslins. If i kouldn’t suit them i should
konklude i had mistaken mi kalling.
Roast goslin iz good nourishment, if you kan git enuff ov it, but thare
aint much waste meat on a goslin, after yu hav got rid ov their
feathers, and dug them out inside.
I hav alwus notissd, when yu pass yure plate up for sum more baked
goslin, at a hotel, the colored brother cums bak empty with plate, and
tells yu, “Mister, the roast goslin iz no more.”
SMALL-SIZED VERMIN.
THE GRUB.
The grub iz all the fashionabel kullers except checkered, i never have
saw a checkered grub so far.
I would giv ten cents tew see a checkered grub.
The grub (that i am talking about) boards in old rotten logs, and
dekayed stumps, and grubs for a living.
They are about one intch in size, and are bilt like a skrew.
They look for all the world like a short strip ov phatt pork.
They enter rotten wood, like an intch skrew, pursewed bi a skrew-driver.
They are very mutch retired in their habits, and are az free from anger
az a tudstool.
Sum pholks kant see enny munny in a grub, but i kan.
I hav chopt them out ov an old stump, the further end ov April, and then
put them onto a hook, and krept down behind a bunch of willows, in the
meadow, and dropt them, kind a natral, into the swift water, and in less
than forty seckonds hav jerked out ov the silvery flood twelve ounces ov
trout, and while he turned purple, and gold summersetts on the grass, i
hav had mi harte swell up in me, like a halleluyer.
I had rather ketch a trout in this way than tew be president ov the
United States for the same length ov time.
[Illustration: VERMIN.]
Thare may not be az mutch ambishun in it, but thare iz a glory in it, az
krazy, and az safe, az soda water.
It don’t take mutch tew make me happy, but it will take more munny than
enny man on this futtstool, haz got, tew buy out the little stock I
alwuss keep on hand.
THE LADY BUG.
The lady bug iz the most genteel vermin in market.
They are spotted red and blak for color, are about the size ov a double
B shot, and don’t look unlike a drop ov red sealing wax.
They hang around gardens in the spring ov the year, and are wuss, and
quicker, on kukumber vines, than a distrikt skoolmaster iz on a kittle
ov warm pork and beans.
The lady bug iz the pet ov little children, who ketch them in their
hands and then sing to them the old nursery rime:
“Lady bug, lady bug, fly away home,
Your house is on fire, and your children will roam.”
Let them go, and sure enough the lady bug duz put for home in a grate
hurry.
The lady bug iz probably useful, but Webster’s unabridged dont tell us
for what.
Whenever i cum akros enny bug, that i dont know what they waz built for,
i dont blame the bug.
I hav grate phaith in ennything that kreeps, krawls, or even wiggles,
and tho i haint been able tew satisfy miself all about the usefulness ov
bed bugs, musketoze, and striped snaix, i hav phaith that Divine
Providence did not make them in vain.
Phaith iz knolledge ov the highest order.
THE TREE-TUD.
Did you ever see a tree-tud, mi christian friends? If yu didn’t, cum
with me next July, and i will sho yu one.
Morrally konsidered, they are like enny other tud, physikally they aint.
They are about the size ov an old-fashioned 25 cent piece, a hed on one
side ov them, and a tail on the other.
They are the only tuds that kan klimb with enny degree of alakrity, and
are the only ones that kan sing like a tea-kittle when she is cooking
water.
Tree-tuds, when they are on a tree, or on the top rale ov a phence, hav
the faculty ov disguising their personal looks, and appearing exactly
like the spot where they set.
I have often put mi hand on them in getting over a phence. They wont
bight nor jaw back, but they feal az raw and kold az the yelk ov an egg.
The tree-tud livs upon flies and sitch like vittles, but if they dont
git enny thing tew eat, they dont strike for higher wages.
A tree-tud will liv all summer on a south wind, with an ockashional drop
ov dew to wet hiz song.
They kan outdiet any bug or jumping thing i kno ov.
THE PORKUPINE.
The porkupine iz a kind ov thorny woodchuck.
They are bigger than a rat, and smaller than a calf.
They liv in the ground, and are az prikly all over az a chesnutt burr,
or a case ov the hives.
It iz sed that they hav the power ov throwing their prickers like a
javelin, but this iz a smart falshood.
An old dog wont tutch a porkupine enny quicker than he would a phire
brand, but yung dogs pitch into them like urchins into a sugar hogshed.
The konsequentz ov this iz they git their mouths philled with prickers,
which are bearded, and kant bak out.
A porkupine’s quill when it enters goes klean thru and cums out on the
other side ov things. This iz a way they hav got.
The porkupine iz not bad vittles, their meat tastes like pork and beans
with the beans left out.
They hav a cute way ov stealing apples known only to a phew.
I hav seen them run under an apple tree, and rolling over on the fruit
which had fallen from the tree, carry oph on their prickers a dozen ov
them.
I hav often told this story to people, but never got enny tew beleave it
yet.
Porkupines hav got a destiny tew phill, it may be only a hole in the
ground, but they kan phill that az phull az it will hold.
DEVIL’S DARNING NEEDLE.
This floating animal iz a fly about twenty times az big az a hornet,
with a pair ov wings on him az mutch out ov proporshun tew hiz boddy az
a pair ov oars are to a shell boat.
They hang around mill ponds in hot weather, and when i waz a boy if one
ov them cum and sot on the further end ov the log whare i waz a setting
i alwus aroze and gave him the whole of the log.
They hav a boddy like a piece ov wire, sharp at the end, and look az tho
they mite sting a phello cheerfully, but i beleave there iz no more
sting in them than thare iz in kold water.
All children are afrade ov them, and i kno ov one man now who had rather
enkounter a wild kat (provided the kat waz up in the top ov a tree and
likely to stay thare) than tew intersect a devil’s darning needle.
They derive their name from the shape ov their boddys and their devilish
appearance generally. (See Webster’s unabridged on this subjekt.)
{AFFURISMS.}
RAMRODS.
The higher up we git, the more we are watched--the rooster on the top ov
the church-steeple, is ov more importance, altho’ he is tin, than two
roosters in a barn-yard.
If men are honest they will tell yu that their suckcess in life iz more
ov a wonder tew them, than it iz to you.
Take all the pride out ov this world, and mankind would be like a
bob-tailed pekok, anxious to hide under sumbody’s barn.
I think the heft ov people take az mutch comfort in bragging ov their
misfortunes, az they do ov their good luk.
Call a man a thief, and yu license him tew steal.
A sekret ceases tew be a sekret if it iz once confided--it iz like a
dollar bill, once broken, it iz never a dollar agin.
All fights, tew produce enny moral advantage, should end in viktory tew
one side, or the other. Yu will alwus see dorgs renew a drawn battle,
every time they meet.
Thare iz a grate difference between holding a hi offiss, or having a hi
offis hold us.
If a man iz full ov himself, don’t tap him, but rather plugg him up, and
let him choke tew deth or bust.
Laws are not made out ov justiss, they are made out ov necessity.
The man who kant find enny virtew in the human heart haz probably given
us a faithful sinopsiss ov his own.
I don’t think that Fortune haz got enny favourites, she was born blind,
and i notis them who win the oftenest, go it blind, too.
It iz a safer thing enny time, to follow a man’s advice, than hiz
example.
[Illustration: RAMRODS.]
The heart is wife ov the head, and we, (who hav tried it), all kno how
purswasiv the wife iz--espeshily when she wants sumthing.
I konsider a weak man more dangerous than a malishus one, malishus men
hav sum karacter, but weak ones don’t have enny.
I hav notissed one thing, that the most virtewous and diskreet folks we
hav amungst us, are thoze who hav either no pashuns all, or verry tame
ones--it iz a grate deal eazier tew be a good dove, than a decent
sarpent.
The man who takes a dollar iz a thief, but if he steals a millyun he iz
a genius.
Virtew haz no pride in it, nor sin enny humility.
Owls are grave, not on account ov their wisdom, but on account ov their
gravity.
He who duz a good thing sekretly, steals a march on heaven.
Hunting after health, iz like hunting after fleas, the more yu hunt
them, the more the flea.
Take the sellfishness out ov this world, and thare would be more
happeness than we should kno what to do with.
When a man gits so reduced that he kant help ennyboddy else, then we
vote him a pension for the rest ov his days, by calling him a “_poor
devil_.”
Thare seems to be affektashun in every thing, even sin has its
impostors.
It is a fakt (known to us doktors) that yu kan ketch the little pox ov a
man before it brakes out on him eazier than yu kan after it haz broke
out. Tis thus with wickedness; the openly so are less dangerous than
thoze who hav it under the skin.
When we are more anxus tew pleaze than tew be pleazed, then we are in
love in good arnest.
If a man iz happy, he kan afford to be poor and neglekted.
Thare iz nothing we brag ov more than our honesty, and we all ov us kno
that our honesty iz az mutch the effekt ov interest az principle.
It don’t show good judgment to be surprized at ennything in this world,
for thare is nothing more certain than uncertainty.
Every human physikal lump on the face ov this earth iz susceptible tew
flattery; sum yu kan daub it on with a white-wash brush, while others
must hav it sprinkled on them, like the dew from flowers.
Every man haz a perfekt right tew hiz opinyun, provided it agrees with
ours.
Thare iz no sich thing az being proud before man and humble before God.
Our continual desire for praise ought tew satisfy us ov our mortality,
if nothing else will.
Confession iz not the whole ov repentance, but it iz the butt end ov it.
If virtu did not so often manage tew make herself repulsive, vice would
not be half so attraktive.
Cunning iz not an evidence ov wisdom, but iz prima facie evidence ov the
want of it. If we were wize enuff tew ketch a fox bi argument, we
shouldn’t hav to set a trap for him.
Prosperity makes us all honest.
Love iz a child ov the heart; and it iz lucky if the head iz the father
ov it.
A coquette in love iz az silly az a mouse in a wire-trap; he don’t seem
tew kno exackly how he got in, nor exackly how he iz going to get out.
Every man thinks hiz nabor happier than he iz, but if he swops places
with him he will want tew trade back next morning.
Everyboddy’s friend should be noboddy’s confidant.
Love iz like the meazles; we kant have it bad but onst, and the latter
in life we hav it the tuffer it goes with us.
Thare is nothing so easy to larn az experience, and nothing so hard to
apply.
Thare ain’t but phew men who kan stick a white hankerchef into the brest
pocket ov their overcoat without letting a little ov it stick out--just
bi acksident.
LOBSTIR SALLAD.
A slander iz like a hornet, if yu kant kill it dead the fust blo, yu
better not strike at it.
Politeness iz a shrewd way folks haz ov flattering themselfs.
I make this distinkshun between _charakter_ and _reputashun_--reputashun
iz what the world _thinks_ ov us, charakter iz what the world _knows_ ov
us.
What a ridikilus farce it iz to be continually on the hunt for peace and
quiet.
No man ever yet increased hiz reputashun bi contradikting lies.
Anxiety alwus steps on itself.
Silence, like darkness, iz generally safe.
Thare iz only two things that i kno ov that a man wont brag ov, one iz
lieing, and tuther iz jealousy.
It takes branes tew make a _smart_ man, but good luck often makes a
_famous_ one.
Opinyuns are like other vegetables, worth just what they will fetch.
I think most men had rather be charged with malice than with making a
blunder.
Love cuts up all sorts ov monkey shines, it makes a fool sober, and a
wize man frisky.
I don’t beleave in total depravity, every man haz sumthing in him to
show that God made him.
I suppoze that one reazon whi the “road to ruin” iz broad, iz tew
accomadate the grate amount ov travel in that direkshun.
I think i had rather hear a man brag about himself, than tew hear him
brag all the time ov sum one else--for i think i like vanity a leetle
better than i do sickofansy.
A humbug iz like a bladder, good for nothing till it iz blowed up, and
then ain’t good for nothing after it iz pricked.
A bigg noze iz sed tew be a sighn ov genius--if a man’s genius lays in
hiz noze, i should say the sign waz a good one.
Vanity iz seldom malishous.
A woman (like an echo), will hav the last word.
Put an Englishman into the garden of Eden, and he would find fault with
the whole blassted consarn--put a Yankee in, and he would see whare he
could alter it to advantage--put an Irishman in, and he would want tew
boss the thing--put a Dutchman in, and he would proceed at once to plant
it.
When a man is squandering hiz estate, even those who are getting it,
call him a phool.
Men mourn for what they hav lost--wimmin, for what they hain’t got.
I judge ov a man’s virtew entirely bi his phashions--it iz a grate deal
eazier tew be a good dove, than a decent sarpent.
Thare are menny ways to find out how brave and how honest a man may be,
but thare aint no way to find out the extent ov hiz vanity.
A lie iz like a cat, it never cums to yu in a straight line.
Natur iz a kind mother. She couldn’t well afford to make us perfekt, and
so she made us blind to our failings.
Studdy the heart if yu want to learn human natur; there ain’t no human
natur in a man’s head.
Friendship iz simply the gallantry of self interest.
Beware ov the man with half-shut eyes--he ain’t dreaming.
Experience makes more timid men than it duz wise ones.
Advice iz a drug in the market; the supply alwus exceeds the demand.
One ov the safest and most successful tallents I kno ov iz to be a good
listener.
Fools are the whet-stones ov society.
Better make a weak man your enemy than your friend.
Curiosity iz the instinct ov wisdum.
Thoze who becum disgusted, and withdraw from the world, musn’t forgit
one thing, that the world will forgit them, a long time before they will
forgit the world.
Put man down (for me) az a vain and selfish critter, all hiz talk and
ackshuns to the contrary, notwithstanding, nevertheless, to wit, verily,
amen.
Wize men laff every good chance they kan git. Laffing is only a weakness
in phools.
I giv the world credit for a grate deal more honesty than it can show.
Whenever i find a real handsum woman engaged in the “wimmins’ rights
bizzness,” then i am going to take mi hat under mi arm and jine the
procession.
Gratitude iz a debt, and like all other debts is paid bekauze we are
obliged to, not bekauze we love to.
Praize that ain’t deserved iz no better than slander.
There iz three kinds of phools in this world, the natural ones, the
common, every day phool, and the daghm phool.
MOLLASSIS KANDY.
Thare iz a grate deal ov humin natur in a stik of mollassis kandy, I
judge this, bekauze mi little grandson iz alwus reddy tew invest hiz
only penny in it.
I don’t kno az i want tew bet enny money, and giv odds, on the man, who
iz alwus anxious tew pray out loud, every chance he kan git.
Praze and abuse, are both good in their place, but if I kan’t hav but
one, give me the abuse.
[Illustration: MOLLASSIS KANDY.]
Nine men, out ov every 10, that yu meet in New York City, are in a grate
hurry, and are either mad, petulant, or sassy, and the reazon iz they
are all ov them in pursuit ov munny, and only one out ov 10 gits it.
Next tew the man who iz wuth a millyun, in point ov wealth, iz the man,
who don’t kare a kuss for it.
A reputashun for happiness needs az mutch watching az a reputashun for
honesty.
When yu strike ile, stop boring, menny a man has bored klean thru, and
let all the ile run out at the bottom.
I hav spent a large porshun ov mi life in hopeing, and praying that
every boddy mite be suckcessful, and happy, and i intend tew spend a
grate deal more time in the same bizzness, but i am satisfied that the
philosophy ov the whole thing iz kontained in this passage, “_the devil
take the hindmost_.”
Success don’t konsist in never making blunders, but in never making the
same one the seckond time.
He who trusts tew luck for his happiness, will be lucky when he gits it.
While we are poor, the necessarys ov life are the luxurys, after we git
ritch, the luxurys are the necessarys.
Thare is no such thing az gitting tew the top ov the ladder in this
world, if we reach the utmost round, then we mourn bekauze the ladder
aint longer.
Death iz an arrow, shot into a crowd, the only reazon whi it hit
another, iz bekauze it missed us.
When a man duz a good turn, just for the phun ov the thing, he haz got a
grate deal more virtew in him, than he iz aware ov.
The man who haz got a mote in hiz eye, kan alwus see a big beam in hiz
brothers.
Az a genral thing, we envy in others, not what we aint got, but what we
hav got less than others.
The only thing about a man that sin haz not, and kan not pervert, iz hiz
conshience.
Dissatisfackshun with everything we cum akrost iz the result ov being
dissatisfied with ourselfs.
Just edzakly in proporshun that a man undertakes tew make a reputashun
bi hiz personal appearance, just in that proporshun, he iz a dead beat.
Early genius iz like early cabbage, don’t head well.
It iz a grate deal more eazier tew drop down 10 feet on a ladder, than
it iz tew highst up 5; i found this out more than 7 years ago.
Menny a man haz lost a good posishun in this world, bi letting go, tew
spit on hiz hands.
Go up hill as fast az you pleaze, but go down hill slo.
About all that iz left for an old man in this world, iz an obituary
notiss.
Sedate yung men make imbecile old ones.
I think yung coxcombs, end their lives, az old slovens.
The man who iz alwus bragging ov hiz wife in publik, duz it more out of
pride of himself, than love for her.
If a man haz got 80 thousand dollars at interest, and owns the house he
livs in, it aint mutch trouble to be a philosopher.
The most that experience seems tew do for us, iz tew sho us, what kussid
phools every boddy but _we_, hav made ov themselfs.
Whiskey, and onions combined, are good for a bad breth.
The hardest man in this world tew cheat, iz the man who iz alwus honest
with himself.
I look upon molassis az one ov our greatest blessings, it haz dun so
mutch tew sweeten life.
Life ain’t long enuff for enny man tew kno himself.
Virtew don’t konsist in the absence ov the pashuns, but in the control
ov them;--a man without enny pashuns iz simply az virtewous az a graven
image.
One ov the best temporary reliefs for vanity, that i kno ov, iz a sharp
tutch ov the billyus kolick.
Sharpers are like hornets, intimate on a short acquaintance.
Don’t forget one thing yung man, thare iz a thousand people in this
world who kan hurt yu, to one that kan help yu.
Thare iz no accomplishment so eazy tew acquire az politeness, and none
more profitable.
Thare would be a grate supply ov wit and humor in this world, if we
would only giv others the same credit for being witty that we claim for
ourselfs.
Thare are a grate menny excuses that are wuss than the offence.
Be humble, and yu are sure tew be thankful,--be thankful, and yu are
sure tew be happy.
He who shows us all hiz wickedness, is not a very dangerous man.
Thare iz no better evidence ov a weak mind, than tew be alwus in a
hurry.
Pride, and avarice, iz a most whimsikal mixtur.
A man whom yu kan trust with a sekret, yu kan trust with ennything.
Common sense is the favorite daughter of Reason, and altho thare are
menny other wimmin more attraktive for a time, thare iz nothing but
death kan rob common sense ov her buty.
Opinions should be formed with grate caushun, and changed with grater.
The only thing that a human being is positively certain ov, iz death.
Silence iz one ov the hardest arguments to refute.
PUDDIN AND MILK.
Love iz sed tew be blind, but I kno lots ov phellows in love who kan see
twice az much in their galls az i kan.
The miser iz a riddle. What he possesses he haint got, and what he
leaves behind him he never had.
Good phisick iz like a fiddle, it furnishes the tune, while natur cuts
the pigeon wing and cures the patient.
Caution, tho very often wasted, iz a good risk to take.
Pity iz about the meanest wash that one man kan offer another, i had
rather hav a 10 dollar greenback that had been torn in two twice and
pasted together, than tew have all the pity thare iz on the upper side
ov the earth--pity iz nothing more than a quiet satisfackshun that i am
a great deal better oph than yu am, and that I intend to keep so.
Fortune iz like a coquette, if you dont run after her she will run after
you.
Did you ever hear a very ritch man sing?
If i was a going to paint a pikter of Faith, Affection and Honesty, i
would paint mi dog looking up in mi face and waggin his tail.
The devil iz a mean kuss; he never keeps hiz own promises, but alwus
makes us keep ours.
Truth iz az artless az a child, and as purswasive.
There iz nothing in this life that men pay so hi a price for az they do
for repentance.
Laws are made, customs grow--laws hav tew be executed, customs execute
themselves--laws begin where customs end.
Men who hav a good deal tew say, use the fewest words.
Punning iz nothing more than mimickry, the best punster now living iz a
monkey; he makes a pun on a louse forty times a day bi skratching hiz
head.
The road tew wealth iz a highway, but the road tew knowledge iz a
byeway.
Shame iz the dieing embers of virtew.
I don’t know ov a better kure for sorrow than tew pity sum boddy else.
Experience iz a grindstun, and it iz lucky for us if we kan git
brightened by it, not ground.
We shouldn’t forgit one thing, that thare iz not a single fee simple on
this futstool; even the best tooth in our hed may fall tew aking before
sunset and hav tew be jerked out.
Ignorance iz the wet nuss of prejudice.
Anticipation iz constantly nibbling expekted pleazure untill it consumes
it, jiss so the skool boy, who visits his basket during the forenoon too
often, has allreddy diskounted hiz dinner.
I never knu a man trubbled with melankolly, who had plenty to dew, and
did it.
Good breeding, az i understand it, iz giving every man his due, without
robbing yourself.
Natur iz jist az honest az a cow.
Talk little, but listen out loud, yung man, iz the way tew make the
company suspekt you--i mean suspekt yu ov knowing a grate deal more than
yu aktually do.
If yu should reduce the wants ov the people ov Nu York citty tew aktual
necessitys and plain comforts, yu would hav tew dubble the perlice force
tew keep them from committing suicide.
People when they find fault with theirselfs, are generally more anxious
tew be consoled than forgiven, and, therefore, when a man begins tew
confess hiz sins tew me and sez, “_thare ain’t no hope for him_,” i tell
him he ought tew know awl about it, and i guess iz more than half right.
What the world wants iz good examples, not so mutch advice; advice may
be wrong, but examples prove themselves.
Pride iz bogus. Adam at one time had a right tew be proud but he let sin
beat him out of hiz birthright.
A crowing hen and a cackling ruseter are very misfortunate poultry in a
family.
Az a ginral thing the man who marrys a woman ov more uppercrust than
himself will find the woman more anxious tew preserve the distance
between them than tew bring him up tew her grade or go down tew hiz
level.
Titles are valuable; they make us acquainted with menny persons who
otherwise would be lost amung the rubbish.
Peace iz the soft and holy shadder that virtew casts.
Habits are like the wrinkles on a man’s brow, if yu will smoothe out the
one i will smoothe out the other.
It iz a darned sight eazier tew find six men who kan tell exactly how a
thing ought tew be did than tew find one who will do it.
Marrying for money iz a meaner way tew git it than counterfiting.
Dispatch iz taking time bi the ears. Hurry iz taking it bi the end ov
the tail.
The miser who heaps up gains tew gloat over iz like a hog in a pen
fatted for a show.
PLUM PITS.
It iz a grate art to kno how tew listen.
This seems to be about the way it iz did: When we are yung, we _run_
into difikultys, and when we git old, we _fall_ into them.
Love seems tew hav this effekt, it makes a yung man sober, and an old
man gay.
Love iz a lighted kandel, and coquets fly around it, just az a miller
duz, till by-and-by they dive into it, and then what a burnt coquet and
miller we hav.
It ain’t bekauze lovers are so sensitiff that they quarrel so often, it
iz bekauze thare iz so mutch phun in making up.
I don’t kno but a Prude may possibly fall in love, but if they ever do,
they don’t kno it.
About the last thing a man duz tew korrekt hiz faults iz tew quit them.
I should jist az soon expekt tew see a monkey fall in love as to see a
dandy.
The wimmen ought tew ketch all them phellows who part their hair in the
middle, and clap a red flannel pettycoat on them.
[Illustration]
The chief end ov woman, now daze, seems tew be to wear new silk clothes,
and the chief end ov man seems to be to pay for them.
About all that this far famed _Philosophy_ kan teach us, iz tew suffer
pain, and not own it, and it seems to hav reached the hight of its
ambishun when it courts sorrow, for the sake ov being a martyr.
Pure ignoranse, after all, iz the best alloy for vanity, for a vain
phool iz quite harmless. It iz better that we be grater than our
condishun in life, than tew hav our condishun appear too grate for us.
There iz nothing that a man kan do that should cut him off from pitty,
the fakt that he iz human should always entitle him to commiserashun.
Prudes hoard their virtews, the same az mizers do their money, more for
the sake ov recounting them, than for use.
If yu seek wisdum, mi yung friend, studdy men, and things, if yu desire
larning, studdy dikshionarys.
I think opportunitys are made full az often az they happen.
I hav often had grave doubts, which waz ov the most importance, the
bustle ov men or the hurry ov pissmires.
It iz a grate deal eazier tew look upon thoze who are below us with
pitty, than tew look upon thoze who are abuv us, without envy.
Good common sense iz az helthy az onions, we often see thoze who are
good, simply bekauze they haint got sense enuff tew be bad, and thoze
who are bad just bekause they haint got sense enuff tew be good.
The man who don’t kno _himself_ iz a poor judge ov the other phellow.
Envy iz sutch a constant companyun, that if we find no one abuv us to
envy, we will envy thoze below us.
Whoever iz a sedate old man at 20, will be apt tew be a frivilous yung
one at 60.
Thare iz no servitude in life so oppressive az tew be obliged tew
flatter thoze whom we don’t respekt enuff to praze.
Wit, without sense, iz like a razor without a handle.
We mingle in sosiety, not so mutch tew meet others az to eskape
ourselfs.
The truly innosent are thoze who not only are guiltless themselfes, but
who think others are.
To meet death without betraying enny emoshun iz tew be simply az
courageous az a beast.
Persekuted for rhighteousness sake, iz quite common in this
world--persekuted for the devil’s sake iz not so common.
Don’t be afrade, yung man, tew make a blunder once in a while most all
the blunders are made by the sincere and honest.
I must respekt thoze, I suppose, who never make enny blunders, but I
don’t luv them.
I like them kind of folks, who, if they do once in a while weigh out a
pound with only 13 ounces in it, are just az apt tew make the next pound
weigh 19 ounces.
I luv mi phailings. It iz theze that make me pheel that i have that
tutch ov natur in me that makes me brother tew every man living.
The greatest blessing that the great and good God can bestow on enny
human being iz humility.
Thare iz a grate deal ov poetry in gin; but the poetry and the gin, both
ov them, are kussid poor.
Thare iz sum excuse for a man being a loafer in the country, whare even
natur once in a while takes the liberty to loaf a little; but in a big
citty, whare all suckcess depends upon aktivity, a loafer iz a failure,
except it be to paste advertisements onto.
How natral it iz for a man, when he makes a mistake, to korrekt it by
kussing sumboddy else for it.
I never diskuss politiks nor sektarianism; i beleave in letting every
man fight hiz rooster hiz own way.
Pride seems tew be quite equally distributed; the man who owns the
carriage and the man who drives it seem tew have it just alike.
If we giv up our minds tew little things we never shall be fit for big
ones. I knew a man once who could ketch more flies with one swoop ov his
hand than enny boddy else could, and he want good at ennything else.
Human happiness konsists in having what yu want, and wanting what yu
hav.
Fortune sumtimes shows us the way, but it iz energy that achieves
suckcess.
The richest man in the world is the one who dispizes riches the most.
_Trusting to luck_ is only another name for _trusting to lazyness_.
Fortune never takes enny boddy by the hand, but she often allows them to
take her by the hand.
Avarice and lazyness makes the most digusting kind ov a mixtur.
Two thirds ov what is called _love_ iz nothing but jealousy.
Sekrets are like the meazles--they take eazy and spred eazy.
The eazyest thing for our friends to diskover in us, and the hardest
thing for us to diskover in ourselfs, iz that we are growing old.
We sumtimes hit a thing right the fust blow, but most always a suckcess
iz the result ov menny failures.
The heart rules the hed, bekauze the pashuns rule the judgement.
Advice iz like kissing--it don’t kost nothing, and iz a pleazant thing
to do.
One ov the most diffikult, and at the same time one ov the most
necessary, things for us old phellows to know, iz that we aint ov so
mutch ackount now az we waz.
CHIPS.
Dont mistake a dounkast eye for modesty, dounkast eyes are often on the
lookout sideways.
“It is one thing tew _take_ the chances, and quite another thing tew
_find_ them.
“It is not the whole ov our duty tew foller the examples ov good men,
but tew leave behind us sum decent tracks for others tew foller.
“Rumor is a spark at fust, then a fire, then a conflagrashun, and then
ashes.
“The wust enemy that a man kan hav is flattery, it is wuss than abuse;
it is better tew be knocked endways by a foe than tew be blowed up
sideways with the quill of a windy friend.
“Death is a cessation ov hosstilitys; a flag ov truce; to the righteous
a gain, and tew the wicked no loss.
“If you are looking after happiness don’t take the turnpike, take one ov
the byroads, yu will avoid the tollgates, and find it less crowded and
dursty.
“Mutch buty iz like the strawberry, soon out ov season, but exquisit
while it duz last, and like the strawberry, ain’t perfekt without a good
deal ov sugar.
“Rules for long life are like gide boards tew a deserted citty.
“Hipokrasy is one ov the vices that yu kant konvert, ya might az well
undertake tew git the wiggle out ov a snake, or the grease out ov fat
pork.
“A witty writer is like a porkupine, hiz quill makes no distinktion
between a friend and a foe.
“About one-half the discumfert ov this life iz the result ov gitting
tired ov ourselfs.
“Solitude wud be an excellent place tew go to if a man could leave his
baggage (or _sin_) behind him.
“He that marrys a christian woman iz the son-in-law ov Divine
Providence.
“Menny a young person haz died old by living a long time after they waz
dead, and menny an old person haz died long before their time cum by
being dead while they waz a living.
“Precepts are poor stuff tew bring up young ones on, it iz like sending
them down cellar without enny kandle tew larn them tew see in the dark.
“Thare iz no sutch thing az acksidents, if one thing happens by
acksident awl things may; Heaven haz no beureau ov acksidents.
“We should be kerful how we encourage luxurys, it iz but a step forward
from hoe-cake to plum-puddin, but it iz a mile and a half, by the
nearest road, when we hav tew go back agin.
“Smiles and tears cum from the same fountain, and az the showers ov
heaven are followed by the sunshine, tew gladden the earth, so duz joy
follow sadness, tew make the soul cheerful.
“Thare iz just az mutch jelousy, (it iz only less dangerous) among the
lowly az among the ritch; the poor devil with a whole loaf under hiz
arm, iz the lord of hiz naberhood, and the half loaves look on with
envious wonder, while he struts up and down the alley.
“We only love them that we fear. This may be only one of my lies, but it
looks so tew me from where i stand now.
“The best condishun in life iz not to be so ritch az tew be envyed, nor
so poor az to be damned.
“Iz it charity tew giv tew a thankless cuss in need? certainly; jest az
mutch az it would be to save a drouning cow.
“Just praize iz the vernakular ov good deeds.
“Whare thare iz grate virtue, thare must hav bin grate vices, or else a
very poor sile, that raizes nothing but what haz bin planted, and well
tended and manured at that.
“Revenge iz jist az natral as milk, yu will see little bits ov boys club
the post that they bump their heads aginst.”
KOARSE SHOT.
Whenever yu see a doktor who alwus travels on the jump, yu kan bet he is
looking for a job.
[Illustration: KOARSE SHOT.]
The bulk ov mankind are mere imitators of very poor originals. It iz a
grate deal eazier tew be a philosopher after a man haz had a warm meal
than it iz when he don’t kno whare he iz a going tew git one.
Most men lament their condishun in life, but thare are but phew, after
all, who are superior to it.
To never dispair may be God like, but it ain’t human. Affektashun looks
well in a monkey.
Trieing tew define love iz like trieing tew tell how yu kum tew brake
thru the ice, all yu kno about it iz, yu fell in, and got _ducked_.
The prinsipal importanse ov a mistery iz the mistery itself.
What makes a ghost so respektable a karakter iz, that noboddy ever saw
one.
The pedigree that we receive from our ansestors iz like the money we
receive from them, we are not expekted tew liv on the principle, but on
the accumulashun, and transmit the principle unimpaired.
A weak man wants az mutch watching az a bad one.
It iz hard work tew define human happiness, the real possessor ov it iz
the very one who kant define it.
Wealth iz no guard aginst villany, thare iz az mutch iniquity amung the
ritch az amung the poor, ackording tew their numbers.
A wize man never enjoys himself so mutch, nor a phool so little, az when
alone.
Avarice iz az hungry az the grave.
Thare iz a grate deal ov virtew in this world that iz like jewellry,
more for ornament than use.
I am satisfied that courage in men iz more often the effekt ov
konstitushun than ov principle.
About the best thing that experience kan teach us iz tew bear
misfortins, and sorrow, with kompozure.
Mans necessitys are phew, but hiz wants are endless.
Thare are menny people who not only beleave that this world revolves on
its axis, but they beleave that they are the axis.
Self-made men are most alwus apt tew be a leetle too proud ov the job.
I think thare iz az menny old phools in the world, az thare iz yung
ones, and thare iz this difference between them, the yung ones may
outgrow their pholly, but the old ones never do.
The ambishun of 9 men out of 10, if it should receive no check, would
end in their destrukshun.
A genuine aphorism, iz truth done up in a small package.
A vishus old man iz a terrible sight dispised on earth and hated in
heaven.
The avarishus man iz like the grave, he takes all that he kan lay hiz
hands on, and gives nothing back.
Bashfulness iz either the effek ov ignorance or modesty--if it iz
ignorance, edukashun changes it into impertinence--if it iz modesty, it
will kling tew a man a long az he haz got one single virtew left.
Marrying for buty iz a poor spekulashun, for enny man who sees yure
wife, has got just about az mutch stock in her az yu hav.
_Hope_ iz the germ, _Faith_ the blossom, and _Charity_ the fruit.
Thare iz this difference between a weak friend and a bitter enemy--the
one puts us oph our guard, and the other puts us on.
Whenever yu kan find a man to whom yu kan tell all yure sekrets, and
still retain hiz respekt, yu have found a friend indeed.
When a man abuzes me i will pay no more attenshon tew him than i will to
a country cur who barks at me; this will make both the dog and the man
ashamed ov themselfs.
Thare iz this mutch kan be sed in favour ov good-breeding, it iz the
only thing that kan make a phool endurable.
Thare ain’t mutch phun in phisick, but thare iz a good deal ov phisick
in phun.
Men will forgit injurys eazier than kontempt; they had rather be hated
than not noticed.
I hav bin watching human intercourse a little lately, and i find it is
largely made up ov _grunts_, _groans_ and _growls_, varied with _huffs_,
_hoots_, and howls.
I like a good hater, but i want him able tew giv good reazons for it.
About the emptyest thing i kno ov iz a pocket-book, with nothing in
it--it iz rather wuss than a knot-hole.
The man who pitys everyboddy, wants watching, for the chances are that
he iz gitting phatt slily on other peoples misfortunes.
It seems tew me that good breeding iz the art ov making everyboddy
satisfied with themselfs, and pleased with you.
The man whom forgivness wont humble iz a brute.
SLIPS OF THE PEN.
The wizest thing about a man iz hiz conscience--edukashun don’t improve
it.
If yu want tew find out the ruling pashun ov a hoss, feed him high on
oats--it iz jiss so with mankind.
Az a gineral rule, the best way iz tew decide yureself what bizness in
life it iz best for yure yung one tew foller, and then stick him at it
while he iz limber--men alwus pole vines before they begin tew run
mutch.
The only way for me to git out ov a tight spot iz tew git into it fust.
Sum folks kan tell exackly how a thing feels by not tuching it, but I
kant.
The more babes in a family, the eazier and better they are raized--one
chicken alwus makes an old hen more clucking and scratching than a duzen
duz.
It takes an uncommon smart man, now-daze, tew make money by telling the
truth--it iz aktually an evidense ov genius.
It iz a very small spot in the lightning bug’s tail that shines; it iz
the darkness ov the nite that makes it so brilliant--it iz jist so with
virtew.
Nussing revenge iz like missing a yung hedgehog--the older he grows, the
sharper hiz quills.
The good man iz like an old-fashioned Nu England clock--hiz soul iz the
pendulem whose regular moshuns giv life and grace tew hiz hands and
face, thus showing the good works that are inside ov him.
Most ov the epitaffs on the tombstuns read like gideboards tew the grate
citty, and without them a great menny would take the wrong road.
Most people travel to see and be seen; but few to compare.
Fools are telling us (confidensally) “_that time is short_,” but the
diffikulty lies not in the shortness ov time so mutch az it duz in the
length ov the fools.
Children are kut down like the yung wheat, to ripen; old people are
gathered like the golden grain, to be ground and bolted.
The only way tew truli enjoy ennything iz tew be willing tew quit it
when the bell rings.
Time iz like a fair wind--if we don’t set our sails, we looze that
breeze forever.
We are often ridikuled for telling old truths. The 10 commandments are
old enuff tew be wore out with truth; but who follers them?
Take man, from Adam down to April fool 1868, and i would respekfully
ask, if he ain’t a ded beat? Iz thare a single pashun ov hiz natur, up
to date, that yu kan take the halter ov civil law off from, and turn it
out to grass?
Waking up in the morning, to a virtuous man, iz the same thing az being
born agin.
“Necessity iz the mother ov invenshun,” and _Pattent Wright_ iz the
father.
It dun me good to hear a poor brute whinner in Broadway yesterday. I waz
glad that thare waz one stage hoss in New York citty whoze heart wasn’t
dead broke.
Death iz the only thing in this life that iz certain; and even that
ain’t always a safe investment.
Rumor iz a vagrant without a home, and lives upon what it kan pick up.
The gratest viktory for mankind that hav ever bin won, hav bin won by
the rod and the katechism.
The lion and the lamb may, possibly, sumtime lay down in this world
together for a fu minnits, but when the lion kums tew git up, the lamb
will be missing.
Chastity iz like glassware--too much frost in it makes it more brittle.
Virtew, backed up by courage, iz the perfekshun ov human natur. I don’t
reckon mercy nor pity always amung the virtews; they are often only
amable weaknesses. Justis iz the square root ov awl the virtews. I
wouldn’t hav enny mercy nor pitty hove out for rubbish; neither would i
hav a man think, bekauze he melts at the anguish ov the viscious, that
it iz virtew that ails him.
Bachelors are alwus a braggin ov their freedom!!--freedom to darn their
own stockings, and poultiss their own shins! I had rather be a widdower
once in 2 years, reglar, than tew be a grunting, old, hair-dyed bachelor
only for 90 days.
The lazyest man that i kan think ov now, waz Israel Dunbar, ov
Billingsville. He dried up a new milch cow in milkin her 3 times, and
planted an aker of beans, last spring, awl in one hill. He iz 45 years
old, and hain’t had the meazles yet; he haz alwus bin too lazy tew ketch
them. He had one son, who was jist like him. This boy died when he waz
18 years old, in crossing a korn-field; the punkin-vines took after him
and smothered him to death.
GLASS DIMONDS.
If we could see the sekret motives that prompt even the good ackshuns ov
men, we should see more tew reprove than admire.
The best specimens ov calm resignashun tew their fate that I hav met
with thus far, hav been amung thoze who had an inkum ov 40 thousand
dollars a year, less government tax.
Diogenes and Seneca were two az grate philosophers az the world haz ever
produced; one lived in a tub, and the other in a palace.
Most ov the happiness in this world konsists in possessing what others
kant git.
Take all the phools and the good luk out of this world, and it would
bother menny ov us tew git a living.
Thare iz a grate menny ghosts travelling around loose, but no one ever
saw one yet.
Honesty iz like money, yu hav got tew work hard tew git it, and then
work harder to keep it.
I alwus git my boots made bi the shumaker that other shumakers praze.
Philosophy iz born in the head, and dies in the heart.
I hav noticed one thing, that just about in proporshun that the pashuns
are weak, men are seemingly virtewous.
Here iz just what’s the matter--if yu shut yureself up folks will run
after yu, and if yu run after folks they will shut themselfs up.
[Illustration: GLASS DIMONDS.]
Thare iz az mutch difference between wit and humor, az thare iz between
the ile and the essence of peppermint.
It iz a safe kalkulashun that the more praze a man iz willing to take,
the less he deserves.
Thare iz but phew people in this world underrated.
Honesty iz the only aristokrasy that i acknoweledge; an honest man iz
alwus a well-bred man and a gentleman.
Politeness iz not only the most powerful, but the cheapest argument I
kno ov. The more wrinkles i kan see in a man’s face the better i like
it, provided a smile lays in each one ov the gutters.
The philosophers tell us that “natur abhors a vacum.” This ackounts for
the sawdust in sum mens heds.
Thare iz now and then a person to whom sosiety owes menny obligashuns,
but most people owe all thare iz ov them tew sosiety.
If yu pull the sting out ov a hornet hiz moral power iz gone in a
minnit.
We are all ov us willing tew divide our sorrows amung our nabors, but
our plezzures we are more stingy with.
Sages and phools are the only two kinds ov people that the world kan
afford tew hav liv in solitude.
If a man waz kompletely virtewous, i doubt whether he would be happy
here, he would be so lonesum.
It dont require mutch tallent tew giv good advice, but tew follow it
duz.
Altho the mule iz looked upon az a stupid kritter, he makes sum most
brilliant hits.
Every man haz a weak side, and sum hav two or three.
He who demands respekt almost allways deserves it.
Ridikule that ain’t true haz no partikular power.
I wouldn’t giv 250 dollars cash, or good dicker, for all the fame thare
iz in the world at this partikular junktur.
Mi opinyun ov mankind, az a brilliant suckcess, needs a good deal ov
nussing.
No church kan expekt tew be very suckcessful now days, unless it haz got
a good orkestra in it.
Hope iz a thoughtless jade--she often cheats us, but she haz no malace.
When i waz yung i thought all money spent waz well invested, but az i
get older i cypher different.
God makes opportunitys, but man must hunt for them.
Invenshun and judgement are seldom found together.
Ambishun tew shine in everything iz a sure way tew put a man’s kandell
all out.
Man’s make up iz ov natur and custom, and i don’t kno which ov the two
iz the most powerfullest.
A grate brag iz either a phool or a coward, and probably he iz both.
Az long az we are lucky we attribit it tew our smartness; our bad luck
we giv the gods credit for.
Thare iz one person in this world that every boddy kan tell yu all
about, and that iz the next door nabor.
Thare are people who love too well to ever be jealous.
I kno lots ov people who always think at least 3 times before they speak
once, and then never say enny thing worth listening to.
It takes a certain amount ov back ground in a man’s karakter tew sho hiz
virtews to good advantage.
It iz better tew overshute the mark than tew fall short; this shows that
the fault ain’t in the amunishun.
Thare iz plenty ov individuals who, if they kan go up like a baloon, are
willing tew cum down like a chunk.
JEWS HARPS.
A gentleman iz a gentleman the world over,--loafers differ.
BENEVOLENCE iz the cream that rizes on the milk ov human kindness.
COURAGE without discretion, iz a ram with horns on both ends, he will
hav more fites on hand than he kan well attend to.
HUNTING after happiness, iz like hunting after a lost sheep in the
wilderness, when yu find it, the chances are, that it iz a skeleton.
A DOG iz the only animal kritter, who luvs yu more than he luvs himself.
THARE iz no more real satisfackshun, in laying up in yure buzzum an
injury than thare iz in stuffing a dead hornet, who haz stung you, and
keeping him tew look at.
OLD friends, are like old cheeze, the strongest.
LIES are like illegitimate children, they are liable tew call a man
“Father,” when he least expekts it.
ALL money that iz well spent, iz a good investment.
IF we would all ov us take kare ov our own souls, and let our nabors
alone, thare would be less time lost, and more souls saved.
BEFORE i would preach the gospel az some ministers are obliged to, for
450 dollars a year, i would git a living az Nebudkenezzer did, and let
the congregashun go tew grass to.
CONTENTMENT is the vittles, and drink ov the soul.
DID yu ever hear a son bragging about hiz father, whoze father could
with justiss, brag about hiz son?
THE safest kind ov faith i kno ov, iz humility.
THE man who never makes enny mistakes, like the angle worm, never gits
far away from hiz hole.
A BRILLIANT blunder in a writer, iz often one ov hiz best hits.
TYRANNY iz often changed, but never destroyed.
SUCKING a whipt sillybub, thru a rhy straw, iz a good deal like trieing
tew liv on buty.
I NEVER knu a profound phool yet, who did not affekt gravity, nor a
truly wize man, whoze face was not alwus cocked and primed, for a laugh.
PRUDERY iz nothing more than coquetry, gone to seed.
NEW YORK citty is a fasst place, yu kant even pass a phuneral
procession, unless yu have got the fassest hoss.
TRUTH, haz hardly clothing enuff, tew hide its nakedness.
A POMPOUS man, iz like a full blown bladder, it iz pure malice tew prick
him.
THE money, and morality ov this world, are a good deal alike, the
principle never loses sight ov the interest.
PITTY costs nothing,--and aint worth nothing.
WHAT men kant do, they are apt to admire,--they dont criticise a
mountain, bekauze they kant make one.
POVERTY is one ov them kind ov misfortunes, that we all ov us dread, but
none ov us pitty.
THARE iz lots ov people in this world who covet misfortunes, jist for
the luxury ov grunting.
IT iz comparitively eazy tew repent ov the sins that we hav committed,
but tew repent ov thoze which we intend to commit, is asking tew mutch
ov enny man, now days.
I THANK God for one thing, and that iz, when every buddy else iz happy,
i am sure to be.
MOST men go thru life, az rivers go tew the sea, bi following the lay ov
the ground.
IN youth we run into difficultys, in old age, diffikultys runs into us.
“TIMES ain’t az they used tew be”--this haz bin the sollum, and wize
remark ov mankind, ever since Adam waz a boy.
SECRETS are cussid poor property at best, if yu cirkulate them, yu loze
them, and if yu keep them, yu loze the interest on the investment.
PERSECUTED for the Devil’s sake, iz what sinners git for their
allegiance.
SUM people won’t beleave enny thing they kant prove; the things i can’t
prove, are the very things i beleave the most.
PRIDE never shows itself more disgustingly than in the pomp ov a
phuneral.
HAPPINESS iz not idleness, but its spirit iz az free from labor, as the
life ov a yearling heifer.
GOOD examples amung the rulers, are the best laws they kan enakt.
THE devil iz probably the best judge ov human natur that ever lived, and
he must hav beleaved in the doktrine ov total depravity, or he wouldn’t
hav undertook tew tempt the Saviour.
A “GENTLEMAN about town,” iz one who pays cash for everything except hiz
debts.
MONEY iz like charity, it kivvers a multitude ov sins.
A PEDANT iz one who fills himself in a cellar with the klam broth ov
literature, and then picks hiz teeth in the society ov the learned.
THARE iz but little, if any, cerimony, between two wize men, but between
a wize man and a phool, cerimony iz the only thing that will make a
phool feel respektable.
WHEN yu find a man who iz very solisitus about the wellfair ov
everyboddy, yu kan safely put him down az one who iz hunting for a
misfortune.
TADPOLES.
One ov the hardest men in the world tew collekt a debt ov iz the one who
iz alwus willing tew pay, but never reddy.
Trew liberty konsists in making good laws, and then obeying them.
I suppoze we never shall kno in this life how big a phool a man kan be,
bekauze he iz not allowed tew hav all his wants and vanities gratified.
When i diskover that all hatred, avarice, ambishun, vanity, and envy,
have left this world, then i am going tew hunt for a Christian.
[Illustration: TADPOLES.]
Yung man, larn tew listen!--i don’t mean at a key-hole. Thare iz plenty
ov happiness in this life if we only knu it: and one way tew find it iz,
when we hav got the old rumatiz tew thank Heaven that it aint the old
gout.
Men are blamed for sticking their noze into things; but it iz the only
way a dog tracks out hiz game.
The man who kan live in idleness successfully, must either be too pure
or too lazy to commit enny sin. Poetri iz a disseaze common tew all the
literati: sum hav it quite hard, but most hav it dredful lite.
Inkredulity iz the wisdum ov a phool; it iz only a wize man who kan
afford tew be credulous.
Prejudice iz a hous plant which is very apt tew wither if yu take it out
doors amungst pholks.
The devil holds poor kards, but he plays them mighty well.
What iz the next wust thing tew lieing? Gitting ketched at it.
I am so phully aware ov the uncertainty ov the law, that if a man whom i
had never seen nor heard ov should su me for a _debt_ ov one hundred
dollars, and i couldn’t kompound with him for fifty, i would pay the
whole rather than defend the suit.
I hav noticed this diffrence between people--thare is _some_ who are not
az big phools as they look.
Most authors in writing neglekt their punktuashuns, espeshliy the _full
stop_.
I hav seen pholks so melankolly and so gloomy that they wouldn’t admit
thare waz a brite side tew ennything in this world, not even tew a nu
haff dollar.
If wit forms the blade, good sense should be the handle and benevolence
the skabbard ov the sword.
Experience iz knowledge, and it will stik bi a phellow like the money he
gits by hard knoxs.
I never hav seen a bigot yet but what had a small and apparently
braneless hed--but i hain’t seen all the bigots, yu know.
Silence iz like darkness, a good place tew hide.
Thare iz no revenge so komplete az forgivness.
He that desires tew be ritch only to be charitable, iz not only a wize
man, but a good one.
Grate welth, in our journey thru life, iz only extra baggage, and wants
a heap ov watching.
The malice ov the world ain’t haff so dangerous az its flatterys.
If i feel that i am right, all the kurs in the country may snap at mi
heels.
Trieing tew satisfy our desires with wealth iz like trieing tew stop up
a rat hole with sand--the rats will soon dig out sum whare else.
A piece ov satire, tew be beneficial, should be so rendered that every
man who reads, or hears it, shall say to himself, “That iz just, bekauze
it hits every boddy but me.”
Skandle iz az ketching az the small pox, and perhaps thare iz but one
real preventative, and that iz--tew be vacksinated with deaf and
dumbness.
Really wize men pay but little attenshun to misterys, but one good
mistery will furnish a dozen phools with vittles and drink for a year,
and fat the whole ov them besides.
We are all ov us too apt tew judge ov a sin by its size. We will pass a
10 cent counterfit shin plaster, when we would shudder at a 10 dollar
bill.
Mi friend haz got hiz phailings, and that iz one thing that makes me
like him so mutch.
Affeckshun iz a vine full ov tendrils, and if yu don’t phurnish it
sumthing better tew climb, it will phurnish itself sumthing wuss; this
ackounts for its running after sore eyed lap dogs and sick monkeys.
Poverty iz the step mother ov genius.
Beware ov the man who makes a still noize when he walks, and who purrs
when he talks; he iz a kat in disguise.
It iz now 30 years ago since a phellow with green goggles on and a white
neck tie, offered tew sell me sumthing for 50 cents, whitch he sed waz
worth 5 dollars. I’ve forgot what it waz, but i remember it waz a beat,
and az often az once a year ever since, I have tried the same thing
over, and got beat every time.
When shame leaves a man, the kandle goes out, and hiz soul gropes its
way in the dark, a slave tew mean, and brutal pashuns.
Civilizashun haz made justiss one ov the luxurys, for which we have tew
pay the highest price.
Lies are like a bad penny, sure tew return to their owner.
“_Time iz money_,”--menny people take this saying in its literal sense,
and undertake tew pay their debts with it.
Competishun iz a good thing, even amung brutes--two dogs on a farm make
both dogs more watchful.
Originality in writing haz alwus been praized, but i hav red sum authors
who were too original tew be interesting.
Altho the learned and witty often cater to the ritch, thare never waz
one yet, however poor, who would swap estates with them.
If a man iz very bizzy he kant be very sorrowful, nor very viscious.
If thare iz enny human being that i thoroughly loath, it iz the one who
haz nothing tew boast ov but hiz munny--a mere pimp tew hiz welth.
One ov the saddest sights ov all to me, iz an old man, poor and
deserted, whom i once knew living in ease and luxury.
I don’t think the world haz ever seen a sparkling, brilliant wit yet,
who waz not troubled at times with the--_hiccups_.
Silence iz one ov the hardest kind ov arguments tew refute.
The fust thing in this life tew be desired, in the phisikal line, iz a
happy set ov bowells, after that, virtew, and branes, are in order.
Justiss now daze aint worth what it kosts.
I’ve seen men so fun-proof that yu kouldn’t fire a joke into them with a
dubble-barreled gun.
Thare are people who are so mutch matter-of-fakt in everything, that
when they eat pork and beans, they want the pork one day and the beans
the next.
If i waz called upon tew tell who waz the bravest man that ever lived, i
would say it waz him _who never told a lie_.
The meanest thing that enny man ever followed for a bizzness, iz making
money.
Everyboddy luvs tew feel that they are ov sum importanse in this world,
even a pauper looks forward tew the day ov his phunerul az the time that
he haz got tew be notissed.
PEPPER PODS.
If yu hav got a spirited and noble boy, appeal tew hiz generosity, if yu
hav got a heavy and sullen one appeal tew hiz back.
A grate menny ov our people go abroad tew improve their minds, who
hadn’t got enny minds when they war at home; knowledge, like charity,
shud begin at home, and then spred.
Affickshuns are the compliments that Heaven pays tew the virtewous.
Noboddy but a phool will spend hiz time trieing tew convince a phool.
Time iz like money, the less we hav ov it teu spare the further we make
it go.
The tounge iz really a verry fasst member ov the boddy politick, he duz
all the talking, and two-thirds ov the thinking.
Men who invade the province uv wimmin are alwus jeered at, and how kan
wimmin, when they invade the province ov men expekt tew eskape the same
kind ov treatment.
He who spends hiz younger days in disapashun iz mortgaging himself tew
disseaze and poverty, two inexorable creditors, who are certain tew
foreclose at last, and take possession ov the premises.
Thare iz menny a person who kan set a mouse-trap tew perfeckshun, but
not satisfied with sich small game, undertake tew trap for bears, and
git ketched bi the bears. MORAL: studdy yure genius, and stick tew mice.
Young man don’t marry abuv or below yure rank, not that i think thare iz
evry virtew in rank, but thare iz _custom_ in it, and custom often
outranks law and gospel.
Let him go, mi son, sed an ancient father tew hiz boy, who had caught a
yung rabbit, and when he gits bigger ketch him agin. The boy did az he
waz told, and haz been looking for that rabbit ever since.
The world owes all its energys and refinement tew luxurys--digging roots
for brekfast and going naked for clothes, iz the virtewous innocence ov
a lazy savage.
Thare iz lots ov folks who eat well, and drink well, and sleep well, and
yet are sick all the time--theze are the folks who alwus _enjoy poor
health_.
If a man hits yu, and you hit him back, yu are even, but if yu don’t
strike back he iz yure debtor, and alwus owes yu a crack.
A person with a little smattering ov learning, iz a good deal like a
hen’s egg that haz been sot on for a short time, and then deserted by
the hen, it iz spilte for hatching out ennything.
“_People ov good sense_” are thoze whoze opinyuns agree with ours.
Thare iz a grate deal ov magnificent poverty in our big citys, people
who eat klam soup out ov a tin basin with a gold spoon.
The place whare poverty, virtew, and love meet and worship together, iz
the most sakred spot in this universe.
Experience don’t make a man so bold az it duz so careful.
Pride never forgets itself, never haz a play spell or frolik; it iz
stiff from morning till night, from top tew bottom, like a sled stake.
Thare ain’t but very little ginowine good sense in this world enny how,
and what little thare iz ain’t in market, it iz held for a dividend.
Thoze who hav made up their minds tew lead a life ov enjoyment will find
the following recipee a grate help tew them: “_To one ounce ov plezzure
add a pound ov repentance._”
Adversity iz a poultess which reduces our vanity and strengthens our
virtew--even a boy never feels half so good az when he haz just bin
spanked and sot away tew cool.
Pedantry iz the science ov investing what little yu know in one kind ov
perfumery, and insisting upon sticking that under every man’s knose whom
yu meet.
Lieing iz like trieing tew hide in a fog, if yu move about yure are in
danger ov bumping yure hed agin the truth, and az soon az the fog blows
oph yu are gone enny how.
Marrying an angel iz the poetry ov marriage, but living with her iz the
proze; and this iz all well enuff if the taste ov the poetry hain’t
spilte our relish for the proze.
The man who livs on hope must pick the bones ov dissapointment.
The Devil iz sed tew be the father ov lies, if this iz so, he haz got a
large family, and a grate menny promising children amung them.
Life iz like a mug ov beer, froth at the top, ail in the middle, and
settlings at the bottom.
We should liv in this life az tho we war walking on glaze ice, liable
tew fall at enny moment, and tew be laffed at bi the bystanders.
Men, if they ain’t too lazy, liv sumtimes till they are 80, and destroy
the time a good deal az follows: the fust 30 years they spend throwing
stones at a mark, the seckond 30 they spend in examining the mark tew
see whare the stuns hit, and the remainder iz divided, in cussing the
stun-throwing bizzness, and nussing the rumatizz.
This setting down and folding our arms, and waiting for sumthing tew
turn up, iz just about az rich a spekulashun az going out into a four
hundred acre lot, setting down on a sharp stone, with a pail between our
knees, and waiting for a cow tew back up and be milked.
HOOKS & EYES.
Thare are people who dont do ennything but watch their simptoms. I hav
seen dogs ackt just az sensible, i hav seen a rat tarrier watch the
simptoms ov a knot hole, in a board fence, all day, for sum rat tew cum
out, but no rat didn’t cum out.
The man who cant do any hurt in this world cant do any good.
The grate art ov keeping friends iz tew keep them in expectancy.
After we hav got all a mans sekrets out ov him then we either dispise
him or pitty him, and to be pittyed iz no better than to be dispised.
Thare are people so addikted tew exagerashun, that they kant tell the
truth without lieing.
Thare is no better evidence ov true friendship than tew speak ov a mans
vices tew hiz face, and ov his virtews behind hiz back.
I am rather favourably impressed with _Gin_ and _Milk_, az an extrakt,
and think a minister ov the gospel mite contend with sum ov it, on the
sli, successfully, but when he cums to reckomend it tew hiz people, i
hav mi doubts about it, unless he knows hiz people better than i do.
[Illustration: HOOKS AND EYES.]
A man may possibly git the remembrance ov his natiff country out ov hiz
mind, but he never kan out ov hiz heart.
I don’t suppoze thare haz ever lived in this world, a man who haz
improved the whole ov hiz opportunity and abilitys.
Wimmin quite often possess superior tallents, but their genius lays in
their pashuns.
Love haz a most vorashus appetight, but a poor digestion, what it feeds
on most alwus distresses it. Prudes, are coquets, gone to seed. It iz
our duty tew pray for them who revile and persekute us, but i dont kno
az we are obliged tew let them kno it.
Just exackly az a man grows pure, he grows humble.
The less we know the more we suspect. A grate mind haz no room for
suspicion.
Extreams meet, the very wisest are often seen to do the most phoolish
things.
It iz hard tew quit play while we are winning. It iz just so in morals,
men seldum undertake tew git religion az long az they kan git enny thing
else.
The man who never told a lie iz a well-bred man i don’t kare if he
sprung from a dunghill.
Thare iz no better evidence ov wisdum than tew beleave what we kant
understand.
Trew courage iz as gentle az a pet lamb.
When we are young we change our opinyuns too often. When we are old, too
seldum.
Thare aint no people in this world who makes so menny blunders az thoze
who don’t beleave “that enny good thing ever came out ov Nazareth.”
We lay all of our bad luk tew sum boddy else, but our successes we giv
ourself kredit for.
Hurry and dispatch are often confounded, but they are az unlike az the
habits ov the pissmire and the ant.
A dandy in love iz in just about az bad a fix az a stick ov mollassis
kandy that haz half melted.
Thoze who luv most to play jokes upon others, luv least tew hav jokes
played upon them.
One ov the most diffikult things for an old person tew forgit and at the
same time the most necessary, iz that they are no longer young.
Seckond luv iz like a seckond case ov meazles--the pashunt alwus haz it
light.
Men in luv alwus akt like phools or lunatiks, ackordin tew the amount ov
their branes.
It iz better tew be stubborn than weak.
There iz no more degrading servitude in this life than tew be obliged
tew flatter another.
Most men had rather be ritch than wize.
Fear and courage both seem tew be constitutional, for we often see the
ignorant the most courageous, and the most wize the most timid.
About the best thing that extreme old age kan do for us iz tew make
death a relief.
Phools are alwus a wishing for sumthing.
To be thoroughly pittyed will take the courage out ov enny man.
Envy iz just az natral tew the heart ov man az blood iz tew hiz boddy.
When a doktor looks me square in the face and kant see no money in me,
them i am happy.
He who will flatter another, will rob him, if he gits a good chance.
Thare might possibly be sum advantage, in entering a convent, if we
could eskape from ourselfs, but go whare we will, we have tew keep
company with one, who is able tew do us more hurt, than enny boddy else.
The meanest kind ov a loafer iz he, who iz willing tew be abuzed by
every one, for the privilege ov abuzing others.
If it iz really a blessing tew die, it must hav been a curse to be born.
What iz the principal difference between poverty and ritches?--poverty
kant be worse, and may be better; ritches kan be better, and may be
worse,--the difference iz in favor of poverty.
We kant have a better evidence, ov the perversity ov human natur, than
the fakt, that we arrive at wisdom, thru our adversity, instead ov thru
our reazon.
A wize man never dispairs, when hope givs out, then cums resignashun.
The best way i kno ov tew repent ov enny thing, iz tew do better next
time.
Pashion alwus lowers a grate man, but sumtimes elevates a little one.
Thare iz nothing more bekuming to enny man than humility, yet it iz
about the last thing he thinks ov.
Too mutch reading, and too little thinking, haz the same effekt on a
man’s mind, that too mutch eating, and too little exercise haz on hiz
boddy.
The highest rate ov interest that we pay iz on borrowed trouble--things
that are always a going tew happen never do happen.
Face all things!--even advertisy iz polite tew a man’s face.
A learned phool iz one who has read everything, and simply remembered
it.
Thare iz no good substitute for wisdum, but silence iz the best that haz
been discovered yet.
Confidence iz a big thing, it makes a hornet respektable, and the want
ov it, iz just what makes the pissmire dispised.
If I had a boy whose hair wouldn’t part in the middle, I should bedew
that hair with a parent’s tear, and then giv up the boy.
JAW BONES.
Dry goods are worshiped in this world now more than the Lord iz.
Councilling with fear iz the way cowards are made; councilling with hope
iz the way heroes are made; councilling with faith iz the way Christians
are made.
Pleazure iz like a hornet--generally ends with a sting.
The most dangerous characters in the world are thoze who live in the
subburbs ov virtew--they are rotten ice.
Lazyness iz a good deal like money--the more a man haz ov it, the more
he seems tew want.
Thare iz no such thing az inheriting virtew; money and titles and fever
sores kan be inherited.
The virtews of a convent are like hot-house fruits--tender, but
tasteless.
Life iz like a mountain--after climbing up one side and sliding down the
other, put up the sled.
When a man proves a literary failure, he generally sets up for a
critick, and like the fox in the fable, who had lost hiz brush in a
trap, kant see a nice long tail without hankering tew bob it.
The devil owes most ov his success tew the fackt that he iz alwus on
hand.
Coquetts often beat up the game, while the Prudes bag it.
Thare iz only one excuse for impudence, and that iz ignoranse.
Modest men, in trieing tew be impudent, alwus git sassy.
Reputashun iz like money--the principal is often lost by putting it out
at interest.
Jealousy is nothing more than vanity, for _if_ we love another more than
we do ourselfs we shant be jealous.
Thare iz lots ov folks in this world who, rather than not find enny
fault at all, wouldn’t hesitate tew say tew an angle worm, that hiz tail
waz altogether too long for the rest ov hiz boddy.
Thare iz menny who are kut out for smart men, but who won’t pay for
making up.
Envy iz an insult tew a man’s good sense; for envy iz the pain we feel
at the excellencies ov others.
How menny people thare iz whoze souls lay in them, like the pith in a
goose quill.
ODS AND ENS.
Natur never makes enny blunders. When she makes a phool she means it.
I hav finally cum tew the konklusion that the majority ov mankind kan be
edukated on the back better than in the brain, for good clothes will
often make a phool respectable, while edukashun only serves tew show his
weak pints.
I never knu a man yet whoze name waz _George Washington Lafayette
Goodrich, Esq._, and who alwus sighned hiz name for the full amount, but
what waz a bigger man on paper than he waz by natur.
As a gineral thing an individual who iz neat in hiz person iz neat in
hiz morals.
Man iz mi brother, and I konsider that i am nearer related tew him thru
hiz vices than i am thru hiz virtews.
Thare iz nothing about which the world makes so few blunders, and the
individual so menny, as a man’s acktual importanse among hiz fellow
critters.
A man with a very small head iz like a pin without enny, very apt tew
git into things beyond hiz depth.
The pashuns ov an old man are often like hiz teeth, they cease to
trouble him, simply bekauze the nerve is ded.
[Illustration]
The only pedigree worth transmitting iz virtew, and this iz the very
thing that kant be transmitted. Affecktashun haz made more phools than
the Lord haz.
About the nearest tew absolute insolvency that a man kan git in this
world, and think he iz dieing rich, iz to leave nothing but a pedigree
tew hiz family.
I don’t pretend tew hav enny less vile pashuns than my nabors, but i do
despize the person, most heartily, who caters tew thoze i hav got.
The man who kant find enny thing to do in this world, iz az bad oph az a
yearling heffer.
Thare iz no pashun ov the human heart that promises so much and pays so
little az revenge.
Thare haint no man yet lived long enuff in this world tew doubt the
infalibility ov hiz judgement.
Thare iz this odds between a humorous lekter and a scientiffick one, yu
hav got to understand the humorous lektur tew enjoy it, but you kan
enjoy the scientiffick one without understanding it.
It iz but a step from zeal tew bigotry, but it iz a step that iz most
generally taken.
Don’t lay enny certain plans for the fewter, it iz like planting tuds,
and expekting tew raze tudstools.
No man yet who had strength ov mind enuff ever resorted tew cunning.
Cunning iz haff brother tew fear, and they are both ov them weakness.
Natur once in a while makes a phool, but az a general thing phools, like
garments, are made tew order.
A man who iz good company for himself is alwus good company for others.
Genuine praize consists in naming a man’s faultz to hiz face, and hiz
good qualitys tew hiz back.
One ov the best temporary cures for pride and affektashun that i hav
ever seen tried iz sea sickness; a man who wants tew vomit never puts on
airs.
A fault concealed iz but little better than one indulged in.
Witty speeches are like throwing stones at a target, the more time spent
in taking aim, the less danger thare iz in hitting the mark.
I have alwus noticed one thing, when a person bekums disgusted with this
world, and konkludes to withdraw from it, the world very kindly lets the
person went.
Woman haz no friendships. She either loves, despises, or hates.
A day in the life ov an old man iz like one ov the last days in the fall
ov the year, every hour brings a change in the weather.
I love tew see an old person joyfull, but not kickuptheheels-full.
A coquette in love iz just about az tame az a bottle ov ginger pop that
haz stood sum time with the cork pulled out.
Human happiness iz like the Hottentott language, enny boddy kan talk it
well enuff, but thare ain’t but phew can understand it.
Gravity iz no more evidence of wisdom than a paper colar iz ov a shirt.
Whatever Providence haz given us the fakulty tew do, he haz given us the
power tew do.
Thare iz a grate menny folks in this world who are like little flies;
grate bores without meaning or knowing it.
Great iniquitys seem tew baptize themselfs. If the devil had only been
guilty of petty larcency he wouldn’t hav bin heard ov agin.
The hardest thing that enny man kan do iz tew fall down on the ice when
it iz wet, and get up and praze the Lord.
All the good injuns die young.
* * * * *
How menny men thare is who argy, just as a bull dus, chained tew a post;
they beller and paw, but they kant git away from the post.
I hav herd a grate deal ced about “_broken hartes_,” and thare may be a
fu ov them, but mi experiense is that nex tew the gizzard, the harte is
the tuffest peace ov meat in the whole critter.
I hav finally kum tu the konklusion, that a good reliable sett ov
bowels, iz wurth more tu a man, than enny quantity ov brains.
A man with one idee alwus put me in mind ov an old goose a tryin to
hatch out a paving stun.
Thare iz just about az mutch real humor in the best ov geniuses az thare
iz juise in a lemmon: one good squeeze takes it out, and thare iz
nothing but seeds and skin left.
As in a game ov cards, so in the game ov life, we must play what is
dealt tew us, and the glory consists, not so mutch in winning, as in
playing a poor hand well.
If I was asked which was the best way, in these days ov temptashun, tew
bring up a boy, i should say--bring him up the back way.
I hav known folks whose _calibre_ was very small, but whose _bore_ was
very big.
If a man begins life bi being fust Lutenant in his familee, he never
need to look for promoshun.
A pet lam, alwus makes a kross ram.
I never could cee any use in making wooden gods mail and femail.
FUST IMPRESHUNS.
Fust impreshuns are sed tew be lasting. Enny man who haz only been stung
bi a hornet once will swear to this.
[Illustration: FUST IMPRESHUNS.]
The safest way for most folks to do iz to do az the rest do. Thare aint
but phew who kan navigate without a kompass.
A wize man iz never konfounded bi what he dont understand, but a phool
generally iz.
Yung man, don’t grind yure scythe all on one side!
I don’t know ov a more lamentable sight than an old rake--even
repentance looks like a weakness in him.
Politeness iz often wasted, but it iz a good and a cheap mistake tew
make. Our very best thoughts often cum tew us sudden, but seldum
perfekt. They require polishing up tew make them komplete.
Do a good turn, yung man, whenever yu kan, even if yu hav tew _turn_ a
grindstun to do it.
Repentance iz generally konsidered a weakness, but i kno ov nothing more
indikative ov strength.
Human knowledge iz not very komprehensiv after all, for i hav seen men
who could kalkulate an eklips to a dot, who couldn’t harness a hoss tew
save their lives.
I don’t kno ov a more diffikult karacter tew fill, nor a more butiful
one when filled, than the command in the Bible--“Be ye az wize az a
sarpent, but harmless az a dove.”
Every boddy in this world wants watching, but none more than ourselves.
Cunning iz very apt tew outwit itself. The man who turned the boat over
and got under it tew keep out ov the rain, waz one ov this kind.
A weak constitushun kan be strengthened, but a weak set ov branes kan’t.
Vanity iz a strange pashun--rather than be out ov a job it will brag ov
its vices.
All phools are poor listeners.
About all it takes tew make a wize man iz tew giv other people’s
opinyuns az mutch weight as we do our own.
Flattery iz like ice-kream--to relish good we want it a little at a
time, and often.
The more yu praze a man who don’t deserve it, the more yu abuze him.
Yu kan’t flatter a truly wize man--he knows just how mutch praze iz due
him; that he takes, and charges over all the ballance tew the proffit
and loss ackount.
Once in a grate while Fortune will acktualy hunt for a man, but
generally thoze who are favoured with her smiles hav tew woo them.
Thare seems tew be a degree of excentricity attending all, and yu will
notiss this, that while the excentricitys ov a clown are quite often
pleasant, the excentricitys ov a grate man are most always disagreeable.
I don’t beleave in fatalism, only so far az phools and raskals are
concerned.
It iz very diffikult for me tew tell whi the lion should be so strong
and the ant so weak, when one iz nothing but a grate loafer and the
other the very pattern ov industry and thrift.
How kan we ever expekt tew find a perfekt person in this world when we
kan’t even find one who iz haff az good az he kan be.
Nu beginners in literature are alwus bothered tew find a subjekt tew
write on; as they progress they are more troubled tew find what tew
write on a subjekt.
Men are seldum underrated; the merkury in a man finds its true level in
the eyes ov the world just az certainly az it duz in the glass ov a
thermometer.
I hav no doubt but that the human hart kontains all the pure attributes
that the angels possess, but no single human hart kontains even a moity
ov them.
Sosiety iz made up ov the good, bad, and indifferent; and what makes so
mutch trouble iz, the _indifferents_ are in the majority.
A man who iz neither good nor bad iz like an old musket laid away,
without any lock, but a heavy charge in it.
When a man haz dun a charitable thing without letting the world kno it,
he haz dun all that an angel kould do in the premises.
Too mutch ov the religion in this world konsists in konfessing our sins
to ourselfs and to each other.
I don’t suppoze thare haz ever lived a man without a single virtew. Even
Judas Iskariot “went and hanged himself.”
The old saying haz it, “it iz a wize child that knows hiz own father,”
but in theze daze ov progreshun it iz a wize father that knows hiz own
child.
The vanity ov most men iz so mutch more than a match for their
experience that they seldum learn enny thing bi experience.
The pashuns are like the wick ov a lighted kandle--they don’t die out
untill they are burnt out.
Thare iz lots ov folks who are in sich a grate hurry tew git religion
that they confess sins they aint gilty ov, and overlook thoze that they
am.
A man with a hed phull ov branes kan afford tew be kareless once in a
while, for even hiz blunders are brilliant.
Experience inkreases our wizdum, but don’t reduse our phollys.
Buty iz power; but the most treacherous one i kno ov.
The man who haz got into the habit ov never making enny blunders, iz
altogether too good to liv in this world.
Wimmin bi natur are all coquets, and men bi natur are all braggarts.
I will say this for man--i don’t kno ov enny enterprize he haz ever
undertaken yet which had for its desighn the general interest ov
humanity, but what haz succeeded.
If i am charitable, if i am komplasent, if i am grateful, if i am
honest, if i am virtewous--what ov it?--i hav simply dun mi duty.
I am satisfied that thare aint no sich thing az _eloquent words_.
Eloquence lays in manner, and i hav even seen an eloquent necktie.
Style iz everything for a sinner, and a leetle ov it won’t hurt even a
saint.
Gravity, az a general thing, iz either the wizdum ov a phool or the
cunning ov a raskall.
Humility iz a good thing tew hav, provided a man iz sure he haz got the
right kind. Thare never iz a time in a kat’s life when she iz so humble
az just before she makes up her mind tew pownce onto a chicken, or just
after she haz caught and et it.
PLUM PITS.
A man with a few brains iz like a dorg with one flea on him, dredful
oneazy.
I have alwus notised when an individual haint got the ability tew
criticise judiciously, he dams indiskriminately.
What do yu bet Fame iz? I bet it iz climeing a greased pole tew win a
puss ov 10 dollars and spileing a suit ov clothes worth fifteen.
New York iz a fast place. If a man pulls out on a phuneral procession,
jist az likely az not the whole procession, led bi the hearse hoss, will
strike a 2-40 gait and leave him tew take their dust.
Ambishun iz like hunger--it obeys no law but its appetight.
There iz no medicine like a good joke; it iz a silver-coated pill that
frolicks and phisicks on the run.
Beauty iz a morning dream which the breakfast bell puts an end to.
The man who never makes enny blunders will never rise in the esteem ov
the world abuv the reputashun ov a good guide-board.
I dont want enny better proof ov a good hod-carrier than tew hear
another hod-carrier say, “He iz a cussid phool and dont understand hiz
bizzness.”
[Illustration: WHAT TICKET DO YOU VOTE?]
Poverty and ritches are mere imaginative distinkshuns. The man who kan
eat hiz bread and be happy iz certainly richer than he who kant eat it
unless it iz spred with butter.
“Vote early and vote often,” is the Politishun’s golden rule. Du unto
others az yu would be dun by.
What ticket do you vote?
I never knew but one infidel in mi life, and he had no more courage than
a haff drowned kitten jist pulled out ov a swill barrel, and waz az
afraid tew die az the devil would be if he waz allowed tew visit this
earth, for a short seazon to recruit himself.
Debt iz a trap which a man sets and baits himself and then deliberately
gits into.
Disseaze and pills, when they enter a man’s boddy, are like two lawyers
when they undertake tew settle hiz affairs, they compromise the matter
by laying out the patient.
One good way i kno ov to find happiness iz not by boreing a hole to fit
the plugg, but by making a plugg to fit the hole.
A lie iz like nitro-glycerine, the best ov judges kant tell when it iz
going tew bust and skatter confushun.
A kicking cow never lets drive untill jist az the pail iz full, and
seldum misses the mark; it iz jist so with sum men’s blunders.
Az the flint kontains the spark, unknown tew itself, which the steel
alone kan wake into life, so adversity often reveals tew us hidden gems
which prosperity or negligence would forever hav hid.
About one haff the pitty in this world iz not the result ov sorrow, but
satisfackshun that it aint our hoss that haz had hiz leg broke.
Most people when they cum tew yu for advice cum tew hav their own
opinyuns strengthened, not correkted.
Men seem tew me, now-a-days, tew be divided into slow Christians and
wide awake sinners.
Thare iz lots ov folks who are like a pump, not ov enny use tew
themselfs, but simply a handle and suckshun for others.
All happiness iz like gold quartz, thare iz four quartz ov stone to one
ounce ov gold.
Hope and Debt are partners in trade--Hope hunts up the customers and
Debt skins them.
Hunger iz a slut hound on a fresh track.
Toil swets at the brow, but idleness swets all over.
Dispair iz the ashes ov hope, which the wind ov tribulashun skatters.
A man has got about done going down hill when he gits whar he brags on
hiz lazyness; such a kritter is ov no more use tew himself nor others
than a frozen-tew-death rooster in a barnyard.
He who spends all hiz substance in charity will undoutedly git his
reward here and hereafter; but hiz reward here will be the poor-house.
Give a smart child a pack ov kards and a spellin book, and he will larn
tew pla a good game ov hi lo jak long before he kan spell a word ov two
sillables.
A lie iz good for a short race, but it takes truth tew run the
heats--“blood will tell.”
Thare iz a huge number ov souls perambulating around the world who hav
bin straining for years after a camel and finally had to swallow a nat.
We should awl aim at perfeckshun, but no one but a phool will expekt tew
reach it.
Pride livs on itself, it iz like a raccoon in winter, keep fatt bi
sucking its claws.
Laffing devils are the most dangerous. If i had a mule that wouldn’t
neither kik nor bite, i should watch him dredful spry till i found out
whare hiz malice lay.
GNATS.
I dont kno az it iz a very difficult thing tew be a good injun up in
heaven, but tew cum down here and be a good injun, iz just whare the
tite spot cums in.
Forgiving our enemys haz the same refreshing effekt upon our souls az it
duz tew confess our sins.
What a lamentable cuss man iz, he pittys hiz nabors misfortunes, bi
calling them judgments from heaven.
Wize men go thru this world az boys go tew bed in the dark, whistling
tew shorten the distance.
“The gods help them who help themselfs.” Upon the same principle mankind
praze thoze who praze themselfs.
Falling in love iz like falling into mollassiss, sweet but dreadful
dobby.
Hunters and gamblers are poor ekonemists, they kill time, a species ov
game that kant be reproduced.
Good breeding iz the art ov avoiding familiarity, and at the same time
making the company satisfied with you and pleazed with themselfs.
Tew be happy--take things az they cum, and let them go jist az they cum.
It takes a grate deal of money tew make a man ritch, but it don’t take
but little virtew.
It iz the little things ov this life that plague us--
Muskeeters are plenty, elephants skarse.
What an agreeable world this would be tew liv in if we could pump all
the pride and selfishness out ov it! It would improve it az much az
taking the fire and brimstun out ov the other world.
Don’t mistake plezzure for happiness; it iz entirely a different breed
ov dogs. Thare is a grate deal ov exquisitt plezzure in happiness, but
thare iz a grate deal ov plezzure that haz no happiness in it.
Thare iz only one thing that i kan think ov now, that i like to see
idleness in, and that iz, in mollassiss--i want mi mollassiss slo and
eazy.
Experience haz the same effekt on most folks that age haz on a goose, it
makes them tuffer.
“_Sewing Sosietys_,” are generally places whare the wimmin meet to rip
and so--up the naberhood.
A lazy man iz one who haz no time to spare; an industrious man iz one
who haz more time to spare than he knows what to do with.
It takes a smart man to conceal from others what he don’t kno.
A lazy man alwus works harder than a bizzy one--the hardest work i kno
ov, iz to grunt--it iz harder tew set still, and fite flies, than it iz
tew git up and escape from them.
KINDLING WOOD.
Young man, when yu hav tew sarch Webster’s Dickshionary tew find words
big enuff tew convey yure meaning yu kan make up yure mind that yu don’t
mean mutch.
We admire modesty in a woman for the same reason that we admire bravery
in a man.
Genuine grief iz like penitence, not klamorous but subdued; sorrow from
the hous tops and penitence in a market place shows more ambishun than
piety.
About the best thing that experiense kan do for us iz tew learn us how
tew enjoy mizery.
It iz a grate art tew kno how tew “gather figs from thistles,” but
philosophy teaches it.
The reazon whi so phew people are happy in this world iz bekauze they
mistake their boddys for their souls.
We are poor not from what we need, but from what we want; necissitys are
not only natral, but cheap.
[Illustration]
I had rather hav a drop ov pepmint ile than a quart ov pepmint
essence--i had rather drink out ov a spring than tew drink a hundred
yards belo, for this reazon, when I read a book it iz one written by an
old author whoze thoughts the modern writer haz attempted tew improve bi
diluting.
This world iz phull ov heros and heroines, and the reason whi so menny
ov them live unnoticed iz bekause they adorn every day life and not an
ockashun.
All suckcessful flirts hav sharp eyes, one eye they keep on yu and one
on the other phellow.
Vanity iz called a discreditabel pashun, but the good things that men do
kan oftner be traced tew their vanity than tew their virtew.
Man iz a hily eddikated animal.
Don’t never phrovesy, yung man, for if yu phrovesy wrong, noboddy will
forgit it, and if yu phrovesy right noboddy will remember it.
Tounge-tied wimmin are very skarse and very valuable.
Excentricitys when they are natral are sum indikashun ov a superior
mind; thoze who think different from others are apt tew ackt different.
Vain men should be treated az boys treat bladders, blo them up till they
bust.
It iz a grate art tew be superior tew others without letting them kno
it.
Thare iz not only phun but thare is virtew in a harty laff; animals kant
laff and devils won’t.
Don’t never quarrel with a loafer. Skurrillity iz hiz trade; yu never
kan make him ashamed, but he iz sure tew mak yu.
I hav alwus noticed that he iz the best talker whoze thoughts agree with
our own.
He who ackquires wealth dishonestly iz too corrupt tew enjoy it.
When beset with misfortins we should do az the sailors do in a gale--run
before the wind.
Adversity iz the fire that tempers the iron ov man into steel.
I never had a man cum tew me for advise yet but what i soon diskovered
that he thought more ov hiz own opinyun than he did ov mine.
Edukashun that don’t learn a man how tew think iz like knowing the
multiplikashun forward but not bakwards.
Suckcess in this life iz like watching for a rat--the rat iz quite az
app tew cum out at the other eend ov the hole.
Adversity haz the same effek on a phool that a hornet duz on a mule--it
sets them tew kiking bak.
One ov the privileges ov old age seems tew be tew giv advise that
noboddy will phollow, and relating experiences that every boddy
distrusts.
An ill-natured old man and an old chawed up bull tarrier are just the
things tew set side bi side sumwhare in the sun, and fite flies for
amuzement!
Vice in the young fills us with horror--in the old, with disgust.
Ambishun iz az natral tew the soul ov man az blood iz tew hiz boddy.
Thare ain’t a shu blak on the face ov the earth but what beleaves he kan
“shine em up” a leetle better than enny one else.
The only thing that we are positively sure ov in this life seems tew be
the only thing that we think aint never a going tew happen, and that
iz--_death_.
The grate desire ov mi life iz tew amuze sumboddy. I had rather be able
tew set the multiplikashun table tew sum lively tune than tew hav bin
the author ov it.
The man who never makes enny blunders seldum makes enny good hits.
Truth iz the only thing that Time cannot destroy, and Eternity cannot
dispense with.
Life iz short, but if yu notis the way most people spend their time, yu
would suppoze that life waz everlasting.
The grate advantage ov good breeding iz that it makes the phools
endurable.
The snobs are all either half-breeds or dunghills.
Forms and cerimonys are just az mutch necessary in the church az
uniforms are in the field; strip an army ov its cockades and brass
buttons, and it would bekum a mob.
Ill bred people are alwus the most cerimonius, the kitchen alwus beats
the parlor in punktillio.
If yu want tew be good, all yu hav tew do is tew obey God, luv man, and
hate the devil.
Politeness iz the cheapest investment I kno ov, it iz like lighting
another man’s kandle bi yours.
I rather admire the insolent civility ov a bull-tarrier, who only growls
when i pass by him, but i never did like it in a man.
To be a good critic, requires more brains and judgment than most men
possess.
It requires more good judgment to kno when tew talk, than what tew say.
The reason whi comik lektring is so hard tew do, iz bekauze most people
go tew hear it out ov kuriosity, and kuriosity iz the hardest kind ov a
thing tew suit.
Good books, mi dear, are the best friends yu kan hav, they never will
cloy, and never will betray you.
A complasent man makes every boddy pleased with him, and what iz more,
pleazed with themselfs.
If we couldn’t neither laff nor kry, what miserable kritters we should
be.
When a man gits so low down that he iz willing tew be despized, he has
tuched bottom.
After all, great conversashional powers make a man more feared than
beloved.
In grate crowds ov persons, like grate floks ov birds, thare iz mutch
more noise and chattering than sense.
Thare are but dredful phew people who kan talk ten minnits tew yu
without lugging into the conversashun their bak or stummuk akes.
PHISH BAWLS.
Sins are the only things that I repent ov, i never could make ennything
repenting ov blunders.
I thank the Lord for this, we all ov us hav some good thing tew lay our
bad luk to besides ourselfs.
Whisky friends are the most unprofitable ones i kno ov, they are alwus
reddy tew drink with yu, but when yu are reddy tew drink with them, then
they _aint dry_.
I look upon a pure joke with the same venerashun that i do upon the 10
commandments.
Yu kant hire a man tew be honest, he will want hiz wages raized every
morning.
The most suckcessful men i hav ever known, are those who are konstantly
making blunders, but never seem tew kno it.
I kno plenty ov folks who are so kondem kontrary, that if they should
fall into the river, they would insist upon floating up stream.
One ov the most reliable phrophets i kno ov iz an old hen, they dont
phrophesy enny egg, untill after the egg haz happened.
Mi opinyun iz, and will kontinue tew be, that the phools hav done about
az mutch hurt in this world az the malishus hav.
Temper should be curbed, not broken.
I dont kno ov enny thing in this world, that iz worth more, than money
that iz honestly got, and virteuously spent.
The truly great are alwus the eazyest tew approach.
Fun, deviltry, and death, lurk in the wine-cup.
I wouldn’t undertake tew korrekt a mans sektarian views enny quicker
than i would tell him which road tew take at a 4 corners, when i didn’t
know miself which waz the right one.
I haven’t mutch doubt that man sprung from the monkey, but what bothers
me, iz, whare the cussid monkey sprung from.
After a man haz got a good opinyun ov himself, the next best thing iz
tew hav the good opinyun ov others.
Most enny boddy thinks they kan be a good phool, and they kan, but tew
play the phool good iz not so handy.
It may be a leetle vexashus, but i don’t konsider it enny disgrace tew
be bit bi a dog.
Abuse generally iz helthy, but sumtimes it cums from so low a source
that it don’t do a man enny good.
It takes more time and tallents tew be a suckcessful hypokrit than it
duz tew be a christian.
Thare are but phew things that we suffer more misery from than we do
from cowardice.
The cluss intimacys ov old age seem tew konsist in kompareing gouts and
rumatiss.
Mankind in general seem tew take about az mutch pride in bragging ov
their faults az ov their virtews.
About the best that enny ov us kan do iz tew konceal our phailings.
Persons ov the koldest naturs when they do love, love the fiercest--so
green wood when it gits tew burning makes the hottest fire.
Suckcess iz az hard tew define az falling oph from a log, a man kant
alwuss tell exackly how he did it.
Thare iz one pashun (and it iz the meanest one) that no man who haz ever
lived, haz been free from, and that iz envy.
Indolence iz one ov the strongest pashuns, becauze it iz one ov the most
natral ones.
Integrity in youth iz allmost certain tew bekum wisdum, and honor in old
age.
Thare iz no person worth being jealous ov who iz willing tew be the
kause ov it.
Wise men hav but phew konfidants, and cunning ones, none.
Heaven iz ever kind tew us, she puts our humps on our backs, so that we
kant see them.
The genuine christians are the laffing ones, the man who haz tew watch
hiz morality all the time for fear it will kik up its heels iz phull ov
the devil’s oats.
Hunting for a honest man iz just about as mutch like work az trieing tew
trace out a kat’s pedigree.
Most ov the excentricitys we meet with amung men iz mere affektashun.
Pashunce iz a good thing for a man tew hav, provided he don’t hav too
mutch ov it; thare iz a point at which pashunce begins tew be ignorance.
Take the mistery out ov things and they lose two-thirds of their
attrackshun.
When a man iz thoroughly lazy, he iz good for nothing only tew shoot at.
Thare would be but mighty phew sekrets in this world if folks would tend
tew their own bizness.
The man who wears out iz like a nimble sixpence--he iz alwus worth the
face, and keeps bright to the last.
Yu may make a mistake in a man’s kapacity, but yu kant in hiz vanity.
Natur never haff-finishes a job, nor underlets a kontrakt.
Take all the dangers out ov this world and it would be a coward’s
paradise.
Thare ain’t ennything that will kompletely kure lazyness, but i hav
known a seckond wife tew hurry it sum.
A good naturd man haz got one ov them kind ov souls that will gro
ennything that iz planted in it, good, bad, or indiffirent.
Human happiness iz sutch an eazy, simple thing that thoze who hav the
most ov it kno it the least.
Thare are men in this world whom flattery makes stronger, bekauze it
makes them more kareful; but sutch men are skarse.
Yu kant larn a piggin tew fli slo, nor a snail tew trot fast.
The only safe way for most people tew git along in this world iz tew
watch others, and do jist az they do.
Human happiness iz like Joseph’s coat--a thing of menny colors.
I kant tell which iz the wuss off, the man who iz all hed and no heart,
or the one who iz all heart and no hed.
Hope iz no flatterer--she cheats every body alike, but after all, iz the
best friend we have got.
Every boddy seems tew dispize a hippokrit--God, man, and the devil.
An idle man iz always a bizzy one--he spends all hiz time hunting for
nothing to do.
Thare are but phew people in this world who make more trouble than a
bizzy phool.
Knowledge iz power no doubt, but it iz not always virtew--thare are sum
people who only edukate their vices.
Every man should kno sumthing ov law--if he knows enuff tew keep out ov
it, he iz a pretty good lawyer.
Waiting for a ded mans shoes iz just az mean az stealing the shoes
before the man dies.
The best reformers are thoze who are all the time trieing tew reform
themselfs, thus presenting tew the world _one_ good example, worth at
least a dozen precepts.
Rum, dice, and lust bring all men tew one common level.
* * * * *
About the only difference between the poor and the ritch, is this, the
poor _suffer_ misery, while the ritch hav tu _enjoy_ it.
The time tew pray is not when we are in a tight spot, but jist as soon
as we git out ov it.
There iz 2 things in this life for which we are never fully prepared,
and that iz twins.
Yu ma make a whissel out ov a pig’s tale, but if yu du, you’ll find
you’ve spilte a very worthy tale, and got a devilish poor whissel.
STRAY CHILDREN.
I dont think thare iz ennything that a man iz remarkable for, that iz
more kultivated, than hiz excentricitys.
[Illustration: STRAY CHILDREN.]
Thare iz this diffrence at least, between _wit_ and _humor_, wit makes
yu think, humor makes you laff.
I luv praze, but despise flattery.
I wouldn’t giv a shilling a pound for religion that yu kant take
ennywhere out into the world with yu, even tew a hoss race, if yu hav a
mind tew, without losing it.
Tew do nothing, and tew be ov no use tew ennyboddy, iz the privilege ov
wild beasts.
The best way tew convince a phool he iz wrong, iz tew let him hav hiz
own way.
The very thing that most men think they have got the most ov, they hav
got the least ov, and that iz judgement.
A man iz vain just in proportion tew hiz pholly, and wize, just in
proportion tew hiz humility.
A vain man, flushed with success, spreads himself like a peakock, in a
fair day, but when hiz hour ov trial cums, like a peakock, in a wet day,
he folds hiz spread, “and steals silently away.”
When vice leaves an old man, it iz no ways certain that virtew takes the
place ov it, for sin sumtimes quits us bekause it haz nothing to feed
on.
Alwus foller yure own advise, and let other folks foller theirs.
People who havn’t got ennything tew say, kan always find the most tew
talk about.
Most folks think, if they were tew liv their lives over agin, they would
do _different_, but i hav never heard enny ov them propose to liv
_better_.
It seems very natral for all ov us to think that the world would git
along very poorly, if it want for _us_, and if thare want but one man
left on the face ov the earth, he would think just so too.
The luxurys ov life, which are so often reprimandid, are after all the
prinsipal promoters ov industry.
Munny ain’t akumulated so mutch tew satisfy wants, as tew kreate them.
It iz a very wize man who is able tew hide his ignorance.
Wisdum iz another name for genius, and both are the gift of God.
A man kant learn tew be wize, enny more than he kan learn tew be hansum.
One man, of good 40 hoss power common sens, iz worth more in the world
than a whole drove of geniuses.
Fools and drunken men alwus make this mistake, the one thinks they are
sensible, and the other alwus think they are sober.
Deference iz the best kard i know ov tew play, it iz not only eazier,
but a grate deal more profitable to make 10 men think they are abuv you,
than tew make one think you are abuv him.
Don’t forgit, yung man, that excesses in youth are a mortgage in favor
ov disseaze by and by, which will not fail to forclose and enter on the
premises.
I hav made a kluss kalkulashun on it, and i find that there aint more
than 3 men, now on earth, nor never haint been, who kan kultivate an
excentricity with suckcess.
I hate a crowd, bekauze crowds are made up ov people who aint ov much
ackount, only tew help make up a crowd.
Don’t borry nor lend, but if you must do one, _lend_.
Giv me an inkum ov 10 thousand, 500 a year, and i will agree tew be a
philosopher the rest ov mi days.
He whom prosperity humbles, and adversity strengthens, is the true hero.
Faith beats both wisdum and learning.
Envy and jealousy are two pashunz, which no man haz ever yet been free
from, and yet no man ever admits he iz possessed of them.
Take all the good luk out ov this world, and millionaires and heroes
would be dredful skarse.
Genius, like the yung eagle, don’t hav tew make enny trial trips, but
when it iz full fledged, pushes boldly out, even towards the sun.
Fortune iz represented az blind, and thoze who receive most ov her
favours _go it blind_.
If thare want no evil in this world, thare wouldn’t be much wisdum, i
suppoze.
It iz the little things ov life that makes the burden heavy--to carry a
hundred weight at once iz no grate load, but tew hav it put on our
backs, a pound at a time, iz.
Men are often praized for their sagassity, but all the fore-sight in the
world kant tell a dubble yelked egg untill it iz broken.
Haven’t yu ever seen a little child tri tew pik up four apples with its
little hands at once, and spill at least two ov them? Men are konstantly
trieing the same game, with the same kind ov suckcess.
One way tew define love iz, that it makes us pheal phunny and akt
phoolish.
Love feeds on hopes and fears, and, like the chameleon, takes its color
from what it feeds on.
Silence makes but phew blunders, and thoze it kan easily korrekt.
Thare iz hardly enny man so wicked but that he respekts virtew for the
protekshun it affords him.
The further advances a man makes in knowledge, the less satisfied he iz
with what he knows.
Gallantry may possibly be defined az the politeness ov flattery.
My yung friend, don’t forgit one thing--however cunning yu may be, the
eazyest man in all the world for yu tew cheat iz yureself.
Az good a way az i kno ov tew git at enny man’s honesty, iz tew divide
what he claims tew hav by four, and then guess at what’s left.
The text which haz been most preached from by the human family iz
vanity.
Thare are az menny old phools in this world az yung ones, and the old
ones are the sillyest.
The publik judge ov a man by his suckcess.
Avarice eats up everything, even ekonemy.
Hope iz a blind guide, but whare will you find a better one?
I like a wide-awake christian, one whoze virtew has got some kayenne
pepper in it.
Indolence may not be a crime, but it iz liable tew be at enny time.
I am satisfied thare is more imaginary trouble in this world than real.
Most ov us, when we repent ov our sins, think it iz a change ov heart,
when in fakt, it iz only a fear ov punishment.
I hav sumtimes thought that the man with menny vices, was safer than
with one, for the menny vices often wear each other out, while the one
wears the man out.
Thare iz a time for all things, thare is a time tew pray, and thare iz a
time to say _amen_, rool up yure sleeves and pitch in.
“_Reform! Reform!_” this iz too often the watchword ov mere charlatans.
Thare iz but very phew men whoze wisdum lasts them their lives out.
Thare iz hipokrits in vice az well az in virtew; i have seen men affekt
the rake and the roue, whoze best holt waz the katekism.
It iz hard work for us tew luv a man who haz no faults nor failings.
He who sues for suckcess don’t git it so often az he who demands it.
Suckcess iz a coquet, and a bashful lover never wins her.
No woman yet waz ever satisfied to be a prude, who could be a
suckcessfull coquet.
Flattery iz just like cheeze, or ennything else we deal in, the supply
is alwus regulated bi the demand.
If all the vanity should leave this world, haff the virtew would go with
it; thare iz no telling how menny ov us are simply proud ov our various
virtews.
Blood ain’t nothing, munny and clothes iz what tells.
The things in this world that are the best done show the least sighns ov
labour, yet they are the most diffikult to do; the reason ov this iz,
bekauze they are so natral.
It iz eazy enuff, perhaps, for us tew tell what we admire, esteem and
respekt, in a man, but tew tell what we love ain’t so eazy.
Amung the vast number ov phools in this world thare iz only a phew who
are born so.
Accepting praize that iz not our due iz not mutch better than tew be a
receiver of stolen goods.
Thoze who have once tasted the joys ov _Humility_ will tell yu that it
iz the sweetest cup their Heavenly Father ever held to their lips.
INK BRATS.
I thank Heaven for one thing, that thare iz not in this wide world a
human, or inhuman being, that i would not rather help than hurt. I find
this sentiment in mi conscience, or i wouldn’t dare claim it, and i kno
mi own conscience better than enny boddy else duz.
Better lend yure dimes tew a stranger than yure affeckshuns. Better lend
yure _dollars_ to enny boddy than yure _dolors_. Silence iz venerable;
if thare iz enny thing older than the Creator, it must hav bin silence.
The _buty_ ov gratitude iz that a beggar kan be az grateful az a prince,
and the _power_ ov gratitude iz that “I thank you,” makes the beggar
equal tew the prince. A good conscience iz the best friend we kan hav,
and a bad one the worst, becauze it never deserts us.
Put not oph till to-morrow what can be enjoyed to-day.
Marrid life iz too often like a game ov checkers--the grate struggle iz
tew git into the king row.
Fear makes evry thing and evry body masters over us; it iz the wust
slavery thare iz.
How common it iz tew see folks laff vividly without meaning enny thing;
this i kall heat lightning.
I say, owe no man; owing iz but little better than stealing.
We are governed more by opinyun than we are bi conscience; this iz
giving up a noble prerogative, and playing a very poor seckond fiddle.
The man who iz striktly honest, and nothing over, haint got enny thing
more tew brag on than a pair ov steelyards haz. Sum ov the meanest
cusses i ever knu had got tew be so honest, bi long praktiss, that they
could guess at a pound.
If a man haint got grit enuff tu stand the temptashun ov a gin cocktail,
how kan he fight a real diffikulty when he gits a chance?
Awl plezzures are lawful that don’t end in making us feel sorry.
The man who kan be proud in the presence ov kings, humble when he
communes with himself, sassy tu poverty, and polite tu truth, iz one ov
the boys.
Natur duz awl her big and little jobs without making enny furse; the
earth goes around the sun, the moon changes, the eklipses, and the
pollywog, silently and taillessly, bekums a frog, but man kant even
deliver a small-sized 4th ov July orashun without knocking down a
mountain or two, and tareing up three or four primeval forests by the
bleeding rutes.
Dutys are privileges.
Liberty iz a just mixture ov freedom, restraint and protektion.
Advice iz like kastor-ile, eazy enuff to give, but dredful uneazy tew
take.
A good conscience iz a foretaste ov heaven.
Thare iz few, if enny, more suggestive sights tew a philosopher, than
tew lean agin the side ov the wall, and peruse a clean, phatt, aud well
disiplined baby, spread out on the floor, trieing tew smash a hammer awl
tew pieces with a looking glass.
Evry man kan boast ov one admirer.
If yu would be successful in corekting the iniquitys ov the people, fire
at their vices, not at the people; the trew way to abuze a drunkard iz
to brake hiz jug.
Life iz a punktuated paragraff, disseazes are the commas, sickness the
semicolons, and death the full stop.
No man iz ritch who wants enny more than what he haz got.
Don’t giv outward appearances awl the credit, the spirit ov a handsum
boot iz the little fut that iz in it.
I don’t beleaf in bad luck being sot for a man, like a trap, but i hav
known lots ov folks, who if thare waz enny fust rate bad luck lieing
around loose, would be sure tew git one foot in it enny how.
The man who wrote, “I would not liv always, I ask not tew sta,” probably
never had been urged sufficiently.
Thare iz a kind ov acktive lazyness, it works on its viktims just az the
wicked flea duz on the feelings ov an old house dogg, he hopps up quick,
but drops down agin sudden, in the same spot.
The man who controls hiz pashuns sits at the helm ov hiz ship.
It iz very diffikult tew kalkulate upon suckcess, unless a man sets up
for a phool--in this department, i hav known hundreds to succeed,
contrary tew their expektashuns.
I don’t want enny better evidence that a man iz a phool than tew see him
cultivate excentricitys.
The man who kan conceal hiz real karakter when he iz drunk, or in a
pashion, haz got a giant karakter.
I have found out that happiness konsists in working bizzy 12 hours,
sleeping 8 hours, and playing checkures 4 hours, out ov every 24.
Mankind loves misterys--a hole in the ground, excites more wonder than a
star in the heavans.
“Experience iz a good schoolmaster,” but reason iz a better one.
A Pedant iz a lernt phool--pedantry iz a little knowledge on
parade--pedantry iz hypocrasy, without enny malice in it.
All the good men in this world hav got the same kind ov religion, it iz
only the ded-beats frauds, and hypokrits, whoze religion differs.
Pride iz a looking-glass, into which men look, and seeing themselfs,
they strut, and stick up their noze at other folks.
How on arth kan we trust man kind, or woman kind, when thare aint one
out ov ten ov them, dare trust themselfs.
Thare iz 2 kinds ov Faith, faith ov the brains, this iz nothing more
than shrewdness--and faith ov the heart, this iz humility, haff sister
to virtew.
Yu will notis one thing, all good talkers are good listeners.
Adversity iz a goddess with frozen smiles.
If I had the privilege ov making the Eleventh Commandment, it would be
this--_owe no man_.
Young ones and dogs?--thoze who are the least able to support them,
generally hav the most ov them.
Sum folks, az they gro older, gro wizer; but most folks simply gro
stubbornner.
People travel to learn; most ov them (before they start) should learn to
travel.
I don’t beleave in fighting; i am solemly aginst it; but if a man gits
teu fighting, i am also solemly aginst hiz gitting licked. After a fight
iz once opened, all the virtew thare iz in it iz tew lick the other
party.
Slander iz like the tin kittle tied to a dorg’s tale--a very good kind
ov kittle so long az it ain’t our dorg’s tale.
LIGHTNING BUGS.
Plezzures make folks _acquainted_ with each other, but it takes trials,
and grief, tew make them _know_ each other.
[Illustration: LIGHTNING BUGS.]
It iz a curious fakt, that the meanest pashuns ov our heart are the
strongest when we hav grown old, and the best ones, the weakest.
Truth dont require the aid ov elegant, and high stepping words, tew
express its force, or buty, it iz like water, tastes better out ov a
woodden bucket, than it duz out ov a golden goblet.
Them folks who are sudden, aint apt tew be solid; lively streams are
alwus shallo.
Az we gro older, what we gain in experience, we looze in zest, thare iz
a real relish in occasionly being phooled.
About the meanest critter thare iz now travelling around loose, on the
breast ov the earth, iz a bashful hypokrite.
Solitude iz the idleness ov natur.
Thare iz az much flop in sum ov our pollyticians, az thare iz in a
bukwheat slapjak, on a hot griddle.
Amuzements are one ov the wize things ov life, and we should try not to
appear in them, more redikilus, than happy.
A home that iz filled with contenshun, iz the Devils levee.
Cheerful old girls, are the bridesmaids ov sosiety.
No man who only luves himself, kan ever taste ov peace.
A man who haint got enny pride, iz like a dog, who haint got enny
strength to hiz tail.
Vanity iz the superstition ov pride.
Pure religion iz like good old hyson tea, it cheers, but don’t
intoxikate.
I often meet in mi travels bigoted christians, who seem tew think, they
are the guardian angels ov all the virtew in the world, such men would
hav us think, they are bills ov exchange, on the kingdom ov heaven, when
in reality, they are only bogus postal currency, which passes amung men,
by general consent, provided it iz decently well executed.
I prefer an open, and brass-mounted villain tew a soft, tumid, panting
hypokrit, who iz az unsafe az a sleeping snake.
“_Beware ov the dog!_” also ov the whispering man, and the loud-talking
woman.
Piety, like beans, duz the best on a poor sile.
A good wife iz a sweet smile from heaven.
Angels handle the dice when doublets are thrown in the cradle.
If I waz going tew pick up some snake, i certainly should take holt of
the further end ov him, this iz the way i handle all ov my subjekts, i
find them less guarded thare.
A man don’t alwus grow wize az he grows old, but alwus grows old az he
grows wize.
The biggest phool in this world haint bin born yet; thare iz plenty ov
time yet.
A petted child iz like a bile that won’t cum tew a hed.
Publik honours, in this country, are quite often like the pcock’s tail,
fust rate for a spread, but after they are shut up, the glory goes with
the tail.
I had rather be a pot-bellied seed cowcumber, flung carelessly on a wood
pile to ripen, than tew be an old bachelor.
Cannon balls--are the bulbous plants ov Liberty.
Thare iz no grater fun for me than tew prick a bladder--windy folks will
please make a note ov this.
Contentment iz mere instinkt, reazon teaches us that thare ain’t no sich
thing, nor hadn’t ought tew be enny sich thing, in this world.
About az good a way tew learn people az enny tew respekt yu, iz tew run
over them; if yu let them run over yu they certainly won’t.
I hope i shall never hav so mutch reputashun that i shan’t feel obliged
to be alwus civil.
Thare seems tew be this difference between an old widdower and an old
bachelor; the widdower livs upon faith, and the bachelor on hope, and
this ackounts for the widdower alwus beating the bachelor in a ring
fight, for the hand ov beauty.
Marrying tew suit other folks iz the prudery ov politeness; i should az
soon think ov begging pardon ov a thorn, for running aginst it.
An Englishman correkts hiz mistakes before he makes them; a Yankee
afterwards.
Fashions are made for sum folks, and sum folks are made for fashion.
Thoze people who hav a grate deal ov perfekt propriety, i notiss, don’t
hav mutch ov enny thing else.
Tew enjoy a good reputashun, giv publickly, and steal privately.
I hav got a dredful poor opinyun ov all religious creeds; a man who
depends upon a creed tew keep him pious, iz no better than he whom the
penalty for stealing keeps out ov jail.
PARBOILS.
It is a good sign when praize makes a man behave better. Proverbs, are
like arrows, they fly not only fast but straight.
Our wants, after awl, make most ov our happiness, when we hav got awl we
want, then cums fear lest we loze what we hav got, and thus possession,
fails tew be happiness.
Dangers are sum like a kold bath, very dangerous while you stand
stripped on the bank, but often not only harmless, but invigorating, if
you pitch into them.
Cunning iz the dishonesty, and therefore the weakness ov wisdum.
Wise men are like a watch, they hav open countenances enuff, but dont
show their works in their face.
Love is a natral pashion ov the heart, while friendship iz a necessary
one, and awl hearts, however mutch they love, reserve a sly corner for
what they call friendship.
About the best that kan be sed ov grate wealth iz, that it iz the means
ov grace.
When i see a poor, and proud aristokrat, purtiklar about punktillio, he
alwus puts me in mind ov a drunken man, trieing tew walk a crack.
Take awl the prophecys that hav cum tew pass, and awl that hav caught on
the center, and failed tew cum tew time, and make them up into an
average, and yer will find, that buying stock, on the Codfish Bank ov
Nufoundland, at 50 per cent, for a rise, iz, in comparison, a good
spekulatiff bizziness.
It iz awl important that fashion should be perfumed with az mutch
morality az possible, for it controls more people than law or piety duz.
7 per cent haz no rest, nor no religion, it works nights, and Sundays,
and even wet days.
Thare iz az mutch difference in takt, az thare is in the strength ov
gunpowder; sum kinds ov takt, lokate their bullets, not only right
between the eyes, but deep in the meat, while other kinds hit everything
but the center; and glance oph at that.
Genius iz like a hop vine, it will run, and spread enny how, and hav a
whole lot ov haff wild hops on it, but tew be a good krop, it must be
poled, and cut back, and suckered.
_Precept_, iz a buck saw, _experience_ the elbow grease, that runs the
cussed thing.
Thare iz this difference between talent, and genius, one iz a blood
houn, that follows only by scent, the other a grey houn, that runs only
by sight.
Thare iz nothing more dangerous tew most men than praize, it iz like
filling them up with gunpowder, and putting a slow match tew them.
“Do unto others az yu would hav them do unto yu.” Praize in others what
yu would like to hav praized in yu, iz the very sublimity ov blowing
yure own trumpet.
If we would be happy in this world and in the world to cum, we should
live az tho this day waz our last here, and tommorow our first in
eternity.
Ceremony iz the necessity ov phools; good breeding iz the luxury ov the
wise.
Tew be agreeable iz simply tew be easily pleazed--if this is so, how
easy and pleasant it is tew be agreeable.
He whom the good praize and wicked hate ought tew be satisfied with hiz
reputashun.
It has been ascertained, by a learned professor, in Yale College, that
the wicked work 50 per cent harder, tew git to hell, than the righteous
do, to reach Heaven--what a waste of time and muscle!
Thare is menny who wont know enny thing but what they kan prove--this
akounts for the little they know. Most people hev found out sumhow, that
they “kant serve God and mamon too,” and so they serve mamon.
Excentricitys, most ov them, are mere vanity, banish the excentrik man
into a wilderness, and he soon bekums az natral a tudstool. A pure heart
iz like a looking glass, it keeps no sekrets, and dispenses no flattery.
A cheerful old man, or old woman, iz like the sunny side ov a wood-shed,
in the last ov winter.
Avarice iz like a grave yard, it takes all that it kan git, and givs
nothing back. Paint a humming bird, sucking honey from a flower, and yu
hav got a verry good piktur ov love, trieing teu liv upon buty.
The best investment I kno ov, iz charity, yu git yure principle back
immediately, and draw a dividend every time you think ov it.
Everything on this earth iz bought and sold, except air and water, and
they would be if a kind Creator had not made the supply too grate for
the demand.
A good book iz like a good law.
Politeness looks well to me in every man, except an undertaker.
“Familiarity breeds kontempt.” This only applies tew men, not tew hot
bukwheat slapkakes, well buttered and sugared.
A man’s reputashun iz something like hiz coat, thare iz certain kemikals
that will take the stains and greaze spots out ov it, but it alwus haz a
second-handed kind ov a look, and generally smells strong ov the
kemikals.
We are happy in this world just in proporshun as we make others happy--i
stand reddy tew bet 50 dollars on this saying.
Politeness iz the science ov gitting down on your knees before folks
without getting your pantaloons dirty.
The mizer and glutton, two facetious buzzards--one hides hiz store and
the other stores hiz hide.
Credit iz like chastity; they both ov them kan stand temptashun better
than they kan suspicion.
NEST EGGS.
It iz hard work when we see a man ketching fish out ov a hole, tew keep
from baiting our hook, and throwing in thare too.
Good natur iz the daily bread ov life.
The wealth ov a person should be estimated, not bi the amount he haz,
but bi the use he makes ov it.
Phools, like phishes, alwus run in skools.
What chastity iz tew a woman, credit iz tew a man.
[Illustration: NEST EGGS.]
It iz a wize man that watches himself, and a phoolish one that watches
hiz nabors.
Vanity iz often mistaken for wit, but it iz no more like it than gravity
iz like wisdum.
Thare iz this difference between a cunning man and a wize one--the
cunning one looks thru a mikriskope, the wize one thru a teleskope.
Vanity iz the chief ingredient in every human harte.
Yer will find it az kommon amung slaves and paupers az amung kings and
princes.
Bizzy boddys are like pissmires, alwus in a grate hurry about nothing.
One grate reazon whi every boddy likes the falls ov Niagara so mutch iz,
bekauze no one kan make one like it.
Thare iz sum hope ov a man who iz wicked, but not weak.
Debt iz like enny other kind ov a trap, eazy enuff tew git into, but
hard enuff tew git out ov.
Thare iz no kind ov flattery so powerful, so subtle, and at the same
time so agreeable az deference.
Bare necessitys will support life no doubt, so will the works support a
watch, but they both want greasing once in a while, jist a leetle.
Philosophy iz a very good kind ov a teacher, and yu may be able tew liv
_by_ it, but yu kant liv _on_ it--hash will tell.
Lazyness weighs eighteen ounces to the pound.
The _history_ ov life iz tew hope and be disapointed, the _viktory_ iz
to “never say die.”
The way tew _Fame_ iz like klimbing a greast pole; thare aint but phew
kan do it, and even then it don’t pay.
It iz dredful eazy tew mistake what we _think_ for what we _know_; this
iz the way that most ov the lies git born that are traveling around
loose.
Ambishun iz like a tred wheel; it knows no limits; yu no sooner git tew
the end ov it than you begin agin.
We are never in more danger ov being laft at than when we are laffing at
others.
Free living leads tew free thinking, free thinking leads tew free
loveing, and free loveing leads to the devil.
It iz az hard work tew make a weak man upright az it iz an empty bag.
Good breeding seems tew be the art ov being superior tew most people,
and equal tew all, without letting them kno it.
Children are like vines; they will klimb the pole yu set up for them, be
it krooked or strate.
Happiness iz not only the choicest posseshun, but tha cheapest; it kosts
nothing, if you only think so.
Idleness, like industry, iz ketching.
The devil iz the father ov lies, but he failed tew git out a pattent for
hiz invenshun, and hiz bizzness iz now suffering from competishun.
Maxims tew be good should be az sharp az vinegar, az short az pi krust,
and az trew az a pair ov steelyards.
A nickname will outlast all a man’s deeds, be they good, bad, or
indifferent.
Phun iz the best phisick i kno ov; it iz both cheap and durable.
Conshience iz our private sekretary.
The three gratest luxurys ov life are, a klear conshience, a good
appetight, and sound slumber.
Pashion iz like fire, a good servant, but a bad master.
The gay are alwus looking ahead, and the sad are always looking back; it
iz a grate pitty they don’t change works with each other.
A pedant iz a very learned individual, who mistakes a pop-gun for a
pistill.
Perseveranse will conker enny thing but muskeeters; the only way tew
conker them iz tew bak out.
A bigot iz a kind ov human ram, with a good deal ov wool over hiz eyes,
but no horns.
It dont require but a phew branes tew make up an atheist, for the less a
man knows the less he generally beleaves.
The man who tries tew please everyboddy iz az fickle bi natur az a
puppy.
Plezzure iz like mollassiss, tew mutch ov it spiles the taste for
everything.
The most miserable people i kno ov are thoze who make plezzure a
bizzness; it iz like sliding down a hill 25 miles long.
Thare iz no seed so sure tew produce a big yield az wild oats, and the
krop iz repentance.
Politeness iz like ginger-pop, there ain’t mutch nourishment in it, but
it haz a pleazant pop and a refreshing flavor.
Profane swaring in a man iz like continual crowing in a barn-yard
rooster, a plan tew keep their courage or importanse.
CHICKEN FEED.
Thare iz one kritter in this world whoze trubbles yu kant console, and
she iz--a setting hen.
Thoze persons who spend all ov their spare time watching their simptoms,
are the kind who enjoy poor health.
Whenever a minister haz preached a sermon that pleazes the whole
congregashun, he probably haz preached one that the Lord wont endorse.
Evry boddy seems tew be willing to be a phool himself, but he kant bear
tew hav ennyboddy else one.
Truth iz the edict ov God.
The philosophers, az a class, are a sett ov old grannys, who possess
grate knowledge, part ov which haz bin handed down tew them, and the
ballance they guess at.
About the fust and the last thing a human being duz in this world, iz
tew shed tears.
Thare iz no grater proff ov the power of love than that the crimes
committed in its interests are in a measure hallowed.
I kan tell exackly how mi nabors yung ones ought tew be fetched up, but
i aint so clear about mi own.
A loafer iz a person who iz willing tew be abuzed for the privilege ov
abusing others.
Thare iz sum folks in this world who spend their whole time hunting
after rhighteousness and haint got enny spare time tew praktiss it.
Adversity haz the same effekt on a man that severe training duz on the
pugilist--it reduces him tew his fighting waight.
Natur kan be improved upon often with good effekt, but to alter it
generally spiles the whole thing.
Affliktions are like the summers sun--they wilt for the purpuss ov
ripening.
If yu want to find out a man’s real disposishun, take him when he iz wet
and hungry. If he iz aimable then, dry him and fill him up, and you hav
got an angel.
The man who haz never bin tempted, dont kno how dishonest he iz.
Thare iz nothing like a sick bed for repentance. A man bekums so
virtewous that he will often repent ov sins that he never haz committed.
Three skore year and ten iz the time allotted to man, and it iz enuff.
If a man kant suffer all the misery he wants in that time, he must be
knumb.
It dont take mutch tew prove a truth. It iz only a lie that requires
grate argumentatiff ability.
Listen tew every mans opinyuns, disagree with none, but confide in yure
own. This iz a kind ov flattery that wrongs no one.
What a man gains in cunning he alwus lozes in wisdum.
He who wont beleave ennything he kant understand, aint so wize az a
mule--for they will kick at a thing they dont expekt tew reach.
All ov us are anxious tew liv tew be very old, but not one in ten
thousand kan fill the karakter ov an old man.
Money iz like grain--it iz never so well invested az when it iz well
sown.
A bigot iz a religious coward trying tew play the autokrat.
Money never made a man disgraceful yet, but men have often made money
disgracefull.
How menny people thare iz who only go into society just for the purpose
ov telling over their akes and pains, their gripes and grunts! Such
people ought tew be sent at once to the pest house.
Health can be bought, but yu hav got tew pay for it with temperance, at
the highest rates.
Give me warm friends and bitter enemys about haff and haff. He who haint
got an enemy on arth, kant show a friend that will stick to him thru
thik and thin.
Every time a man laffs harty, he takes a kink out ov the chain that
binds him to life, and thus lengthens it.
Beauty iz the melody ov the features.
I hav alwus bore it in mind that, jist about in rasho that a person or
individual iz proud and hauty, they are ignorant.
Beleaving and disbeleaving iz oftner an effort ov the will than ov the
understanding.
It iz a lucky thing that epitaffs dont appear on a man’s tumestun untill
he haz gone dead. If they were published while he waz living, what an
insult most ov them would be tew hiz reputashun.
I think Adam waz the weakest man i ever read ov. He committed the most
sin, with the least amount ov temtashun, ov enny person history iz
familiar with.
One ov the surest sighns ov an intelligent civilizashun iz tew see amung
the masses a bekuming respekt and reverence for the aged.
Before yu undertaik tew change a man’s politiks or religion, be sure yu
hav got a better one to offer him.
Altho the world iz chuck full ov liars, thare iz but few men who dont
prefer tew listen tew the truth.
No man ever got hiz bread by preaching wisdum. Philosophy iz a good
thing tew preach, but a cussed poor thing tew liv on.
Tew be forgiven, weakens us; but tew forgiv others, weakens them.
I hav lived in this world jist long enuff tew look karefully the seckond
time into things that i am the most certain ov the fust time.
Great men are seldum intimate. They are too jealous to love or esteem
each other.
HARD TACK.
I dont like tew speak disrespekfullness agin ennyboddys near relashuns,
but i hav made up mi mind that Eve waz a phool, and that Adam waz a
bigger one.
Too mutch religion iz wuss than none at all. Yu kant sho me a kuntry
that haz existed yet, whare the people, all ov them, professed one
religion and persekuted all other kinds, but what the religion ruined
the country. (I paws for a repli.)
It iz a good thing for thoze who hav bin sinful tew turn over a nu leaf,
but it often happens that, in doing this, they turn over two leaves at
onst, and bekum so suddenly virtewous that they freeze up stiff.
It iz better tew kno nothing than tew kno jist enuff tew doubt and tew
differ.
Charity is like a mule, a good servant but a bad master. When charity
gits entire control ov a man’s affairs, it runs the affairs and the man
both into the ground.
Selfishness iz the alter which every man sets up in hiz soul and asks
hiz conscience to be high priest ov the cerimonys.
Cunning, at best, only duz the dirty work ov wisdum, and tharefore i
dispize it.
Hartes and dimonds are the two strong suits for a woman to hold--klubs
and spades for man.
[Illustration: HARD TACK.]
I kant see what woman wants enny more rights for; she beat the fust man
born into the world out ov a ded sure thing, and she kan beat the last
one with the same kards.
The man who kan stand abuse kan generally stand prosperity. The only way
tew beat the devil iz tew fite him with the Bible in one hand and a
sword in the other.
If i could only praktiss az well az i kan preach, i would not thank a
man tew warrent me in this world nor in the world tew cum.
The kream ov a joke dont never lay on the top, but alwus at the bottom.
Whenever i see a man anxious tew git into a fite that dont belong tew
him, i am alwus anxious tew hav him, for i kno he iz certain tew be the
wust whipped man in the party.
About all thare iz in mans natur that iz natral iz hiz sins, and about
all thare iz in his natur that iz kultivated iz hiz way ov hiding thoze
sins.
Pashunce iz oftner the result ov numbness than it iz ov principle.
I dont kno how it iz with other pholks, but with me, the fall ov the
Roman empire iz a grate deal eazier tew bear than a fall on the ice.
I dont think thare ever waz a human being yet, who haz met deth without
expekting in the last extremity tew be saved from it; even our Saviour
uttered that wonderful exklamashun, “My God! my God! why hast thou
forsaken me?”
I am glad ov one thing, that i am keenly alive tew mental and phisikal
suffering--i had az soon be a hydraulik ram az tew be able to sit down
and hav a big dubble tooth jerked out without winking.
Thare are but phew men weak enuff tew admit their jealousys--even a
disgraced rooster, in a barn-yard, will git a little further off and
begin tew crow up a new reputashun.
Thare haz been more men in this world burnt at the stake for serving the
Lord than for serving the devil, and thare alwus will be.
I alwus did admire the malice ov the mule--if a freak ov fortune had
made me as unfortunate among men az the mule iz amung animals, i would
begin tew kick at things a mile and a haff off.
Men no doubt owe mutch ov their suckcess in this world tew chance, but
chances dont go for a man, the man must go for the chances.
Econeme iz simply the art ov gitting the wuth ov our money.
Tew work iz the grate law ov natur--if the woodchuck dont dig a hole he
wont hav one, it iz trew he may steal one, but then sum other woodchuck
will have tew dig two.
Human happiness iz a dredful hard thing tew define. I hav seen a man,
perfektly happy without enny shirt tew hiz back, bekum suddenly furious
bekauze sumboddy had given him one, the collar ov which wan’t starched
stiff enuff.
Thare iz a grate deal ov bad luk lieing around loose in this world, but
it iz publick property, it dont belong tew ennyboddy in pertikular.
Things haz got so now, if a man stops, he iz a-going tew be run over,
for thare aint no man ov consequentz enuff tew stop the whole proceshun.
If I waz a-going tew civilize a parcel of heathen on sum distant ile by
the job, i should debate sum time in mi mind which tew send,
dancing-masters or missionarys.
We speak ov “_falling in love_,” without always thinking that it iz the
only way tew git in love--we all stumble into it, and kan seldum tell
_how_ or _why_.
One ov the very best things a man kan say when he haz reazonable doubts
what he ought tew say, iz tew say _nothing_.
It iz a disgrace tew enny man tew be feared.
Sychophants are alwus the fust ones tew be sakrificed when disasters
cum.
In a world like this, whare thare iz at least five false things to one
that iz true, guessing iz poor bizzness.
The best kind ov advice tew foller iz that which agrees with our own
opinyun.
SOLLUM THOUGHTS.
The _fear_ ov God iz the philosphy ov religion; the _love_ ov God iz the
charity of religion.
Hope iz a hen that lays more eggs than she kan hatch out.
Better leave yure child virtew than money; but this iz a sekret known
only tew a few.
I honestly beleave it iz better tew know nothing than two know what
ain’t so.
About the hardest work a phellow kan do iz tew spark two galls at once,
and preserve a good average.
Prudery iz one ov virtews bastards.
A nickname will outline enny man or thing; it iz like the crook in a
dogg’s taile, you may cut it oph, and throw it behind the barn, but the
crook is thare yet, and the stump iz the epitaph.
If yu analize what most men kall plezzure, yu will find it compozed ov
one part humbugg, and two parts pain.
When yu haint got nothing tew do, do it at once; this iz the way to
learn to be bizzy.
We hav bin told that the best way to overkum misfortunes iz tew fight
with them--I hav tried both ways, and recommend a successful dodge.
The art ov becomeing ov importance in the eyes ov others, iz not tew
overrate ourself, but tew cauze them tew do it.
The true way to understand the judgments ov heaven is to submit to them.
Method iz everything, espeshily tew ordinary men; the few men who kan
lift a ton, at plessure, hav a divine right tew take holt ov it tew a
disadvantage.
The mind ov man iz like a piece ov land that, tew be useful, must be
manured with learning, ploughed with energy, sown with virtew, and
harvested with ekonemy.
Whare religion iz a trade, morality iz a merchandize.
Conversashun should be enlivened with wit, not compozed ov it.
The less a man knows, the more he will guess at; and guessing iz nothing
more than suspicion.
Going tew law, iz like skinning a new milch cow for the hide, and giving
the meat tew the lawyers.
Death, tew most ov us, iz a kind ov “farewell benefit,”--“positively our
last appearance.”
Phools are quite often like hornets, verry bizzy, but about what, the
Lord only knows.
Living on Hope, iz like living on wind, a good way tew git phull, but a
poor way tew git phatt.
Jealousy don’t pay, the best it kan do, iz tew diskover what we don’t
want tew find, nor don’t expekt to.
Sekrets are a mortgage on friendships.
I don’t think a bad man iz az dandgerous az a weak one--I don’t think
that a bile that haz cum tew a hed, iz az risky as a hidden one, that
may cum tew a dozzen heds.
A vivid imaganashun iz like sum glasses, makes things at a distance look
twice az big as they am, and cluss to, twice as small az they am.
Hope iz a draft on futurity, sumtimes honored, but generally extended.
If the world dispizes a hypokrit, what must they think ov him in Heaven.
Flattery iz like Colone water, tew be smelt ov, not swallowed.
After all, there don’t seem tew be but this diffrence between the wize
men and the phools; the wize men are all fuss and sum feathers, while
the phools are all fuss and no feathers.
Without friends and without enemys iz the last reliable ackount we hav
ov a stray dog.
Men generally, when they whip a mule, sware; the mule remembers the
swareing, but forgits the licking.
Sum folks wonder whare awl the lies cum from, but i don’t, one good liar
will pizen a whole country.
Hunting after fame iz like hunting after fleas, hard tew ketch, and sure
tew make yu uneazy if yu dew or don’t ketch them.
Menny people spend their time trieing tew find the hole whare sin got
into this world--if two men brake through the ice into a mill pond, they
had better hunt for sum good hole tew git out, rather than git into a
long argument about the hole they cum tew fall in.
Imaginashun, tew mutch indulged in, soon iz tortured into reality; this
iz one way that good hoss thiefs are made, a man leans over a fence all
day, and imagines the hoss in the lot belongs tew him, and sure enuff,
the fust dark night, the hoss does.
If you must chaw terbacker, young man, for Heaven’s sake, chaw old
plugg, it iz the nastyest.
INK LINGS.
Truth iz like the burdocks a cow gits into the end ov her tail, the more
she shakes them oph, the less she gits rid ov them.
Thare is 2 kinds ov men in this world, that i don’t kare about meeting
when i am in a grate hurry. Men whom i owe, and men who want to owe me.
[Illustration: INK LINGS.]
Thare iz always one chance agin the best laid plans ov man, and the Lord
holds that chance.
Mi private opinyun about “abscence ov mind” is, that 9 times out ov 10,
it iz abscence ov branes.
The flattery that men offer tew themselfs iz the most dangerous, bekause
the least suspekted.
Take a kitten that kan hardly walk on land, and chuck him into a mill
pond, and he will swim ashore--enny boddy kan apply the moral in this.
The best philosophers and moralists i hav ever met, hav been thoze who
had plenty to eat, and drink, and had money at interest.
It takes a wize man to suffer prosperity, but most enny phool kan suffer
adversity.
Pride, after all, iz one ov our best friends--it makes us beleave we are
better and happier than our nabors.
Before yu give enny man advise, find out what kind ov advice will suit
him the best.
Knowledge is like money, the more a man gits the more he hankers for.
The vices and phollys ov grate men are never admired nor imitated bi
grate men.
The trew art ov kriticism is tew excuse faults rather than ridikule
them.
We hav no more right to laff at a deformed person, than we hav at a
crooked tree--both ov them are God’s arkitekture.
How strange it iz that most men had rather be flattered for possessing
what they hav not, than to be justly praised for having what they
possess.
Suavity ov manners towards men iz like suavity ov molassis toward flies,
it not only calls them to you, but sticks them fast after they git
thare.
Thare iz a grate deal ov charity in this world so koldly rendered that
it fairly hurts, it iz like lifting a drowning man out ov the water bi
the hair ov the hed, and then letting him drop on the ground.
Exchanging kompliments iz another name for exchanging lies.
The greatest thief this world haz ever produced iz _Procrastination_,
and he is still at large.
Religion iz nothing more than a chattel mortgage, excepted, and
rekorded, az sekurity for a man’s morality, and virtew.
White lies are sed tew be innocent, but i am satisfied that enny man who
will lie for phun, after a while will lie for wages.
The most valuable thing in this world iz Time, and yet people waste it
as they do water, most of them letting it run full head, and even the
most prudent let it drizzle.
The devil himself, with all hiz genius, allways travels under an
alias--this shows the power of truth and morality.
If a dog falls in love with you at first sight, it will do to trust
him--not so with a man.
One ov the hardest things to do is to be a good listener, thoze who are
stone deaf succeed the best.
If you don’t kno how to lie, cheat and steal, turn yure attenshun to
pollyticks, and learn how.
Thare are men who seem to be born on purpose to step into every thing,
they kant set a common rat trap without gitting ketched in it.
A sekret iz like an aking tooth, it keeps us uneasy until it iz out.
I hav larn’t one thing, bi grate experience, and that iz, I want as much
watching az mi nabors do.
The only way to larn sum men how to do enny thing, iz to do it yourself.
I don’t rekoleckt now ov ever hearing ov two dogs fiteing, unless thare
waz a man or two around.
A wize man is never so mutch alone, as when he iz in a crowd, and never
so mutch in a crowd as when he iz alone.
I am satisfied that thare iz more weakness among men than malice.
Thare iz no man in the world so easy to cheat az ourselfs.
I don’t kno ov ennything that will kill a man so quick az praize that he
don’t deserve.
Repentanse should be the effekt ov love--not fear.
The soul haz more disseases than the boddy haz.
Things that we kant do wouldn’t be ov enny use to us, if we could do
them.
Amongst animals the most ignorant are the most stubborn, and i wonder if
this ain’t so amungst men.
A phool seems tew be a person who haz more will than judgment, and more
vanity than either.
The fust intimashun i had that i waz gitting old waz, i found myself
telling to mi friends the same storys over again.
In repenting ov sins, men are apt tew repent ov thoze they haint got,
and overlook thoze they hav.
A dandy never yet fell in love--only with himself.
Revenge sumtimes sleeps, but vanity always keeps one eye open.
Thoze folks who expekt to fail in an enterprise, most generally do.
A man with only one accomplishment kant expekt to interest us long.
We all git tired pretty soon looking at a goose standing on one leg.
EMBERS ON THE HARTH.
The moon looks down at night upon the vices of the world and yet remains
az chaste az ever.
Caution and curiosity are the privy counsillers ov truth.
I had rather not have a thing than tew be obliged tew wait for it.
We are always a-looking ahed, and that iz the way tew look; if the man
at the wheel looks back he will soon beach hiz vessell.
The time tew be karefullest iz when we hav a hand full ov trumps.
I am a poor man, but i hav this consolashun, i am poor by acksident, not
desighn.
What an unreal life most folks lead; they don’t ever hav a genuine taste
ov sorrow during their existence.
How menny people thare iz whoze importance depends entirely upon the
size ov their hotel bills.
_Mother!_--The holy thoughts and chastened memorys that cluster around
this name can never be so well expressed az in the calm utterance ov the
name itself.
It iz a good thing tew be hedstrong, but it iz a better thing tew
understand that a stun-wall iz a hard thing tew buk agin.
Mankind ain’t apt tew respekt verry mutch what they are familiar with,
it iz what we don’t know, or kant see, that we hanker for.
When i see people ov shaller understandings extravagantly clothed, i
always feel sorry--for the clothes.
I am just az certain that thare iz sitch a thing az “Spiritual
manafestashuns” az i am that there iz plenty ov superstishun and
trickery.
Prosperity makes us suspicious ov each other, while adversity makes us
trust in each other--the only way that i kan akount for this iz that in
prosperity we hav sumthing tew lose, while in adversity we hav
everything tew gain.
I konsider it a grate kompliment tew religion that there are only two
substitutes for it; one iz hipokrasy, and the other iz superstishun.
It iz a safe mistake tew make to call a man “Kurnel,” who may in fakt be
only a 4th Korporal.
We are never nearer right than we am when we fear we are rong.
Modesty weighs a pound, impudence only 6 ounces, this ackounts for the
diffidence ov the one, and the vivacity ov the other.
Envy iz not so bad a pashun when it prompts us tew bild our chimney
higher than our nabors, but when it prompts us tew hurt hiz draft it iz
an awful mean one.
I thank the Lord for one thing, that he haz made the word _no_ the
hardest one in any language tew say.
Old dorgs nuss their grudges, but yung pupps fight and then frolik.
A man may git a big fut, or a pug noze, bi birthright, but nine-tenths
ov hiz virtews are the effekt ov associashun or edukashun.
Confess yure sorrows, yure fears, yure hopes, yure love, and even yure
deviltrys tew men, but don’t let them git a smell ov yure
poverty--poverty haz no friends, not even among paupers.
Larning iz the only good substitute for experience.
I suppoze the reazon whi we all ov us admire the Atlantik Ocean so mutch
iz bekauze it don’t belong tew enny boddy in partiklar; for what we kant
own, iz about all that we aint jealous ov.
Pedantry iz ignorant knowledge.
Thare iz this difference between modesty and bashfulness, one iz paint
under the skin, and the other iz paint on the outside ov it, liable tew
wash oph.
_Abstinence_ should be the exception, and _temperance_ the rule.
If a man should happen tew reach perfeckshun in this world, he would hav
tew die immediately tew enjoy himself.
One ov the best evidences ov our immortality, iz our desires tew be so.
A man who haint got enny imaginashun at all, iz just right for a
hitching post.
Old age iz covetous, bekauze it haz larnt bi experience, that the best
friend a man haz in this world, iz hiz pocket-book.
Love iz the fust pashun ov the heart, ambishun the seckond and avarice
the third, and last.
Patience will tire out ennything but musketoes.
Deference iz silent flattery.
The chains ov slavery are none the less gauling for being made ov gold.
The love that a man gains by flattery, is worth just about az mutch az
the flattery is.
“_Happy as a king_,” iz a libel on happiness, and on the king to.
If you will be familiar, you must expekt tew loose the confidence ov
phools, and the esteem ov the wize.
Learning iz a good deal like strength, it requires good hoss sense tew
know how tew apply it.
Grate men are knot bi enny means the best ov companyuns, they seldum kan
ever enjoy themselfs.
Confess yure sins tew the Lord, and yu will be forgiven, confess them
tew men, and yu will be laffed at.
Impudence is nothing more than open hipokrasy.
About the most we kan hope in our old age iz tew endure the thoughts ov
what we enjoyed when we waz young.
There iz only one good substitute for the endearments ov a sister, and
that iz the endearments ov sum other pheller’s sister.
HOT KORN.
Thare iz a grate deal ov rezolushun in _Gin_, but kussid little
judgment.
A nikname will not only outliv a man, but outlast even hiz tombstun.
What iz the chief end ov man? To foot hiz wife’s bills and foot the man
who insults her.
A genial old man iz pleasant tew look upon, but a frisky old man is too
mutch like an Irish wake to be captivating.
A man who kant fiddle but one tune, i don’t kare how well he kan do it,
ain’t a permanent suckcess.
[Illustration: HOT KORN.]
After all i don’t kno az thare iz ennything in this world that pays
mutch better than being a natral born phool.
A literary reputashun iz hard tew git and eazy tew loose, and when once
lost iz lost forever.
Thare iz grate art in growing old gracefully.
If a man haz got a good reputashun he better git it insured, for they
are dredful risky.
Misplaced charity iz a good blunder tew make. If yu want tew git a good
general idee ov a man’s karakter find out from him what hiz opinion ov
his nabor iz.
It iz a grate deal better for a man tew be defamed than tew be praized
for what he don’t possess.
Genuine happiness is like a genuine ghost, everyboddy talks about them
and seems tew beleaf in them, but i guess noboddy hain’t seen one yet.
Solomon remarked “that thare want ennything nu under the sun,” and it
duz really seem that if a man sez ennything nu he haz got tew lie a
leetle tew do it.
I serpose that whi advise is such a drug in the market iz bekauze the
supply alwus exceeds the demand.
Dandys and blujays are alike, both worthless without their feathers.
Gold seems tew be the standard of all values in this world Even virtew
in a poor man, iz quoted 75 per cent belo par.
Watching one’s helth all the time iz like watching the weather--a grate
deal of time iz lost, and thare iz just az menny showers after all.
We hear a good deal sed about the freaks ov natur, but i hav alwus
noticed that when natur makes a two-legged swine, she takes a mighty
sight ov pains about it.
Gravity iz the homage that a phool pays to wisdum, without knowing it.
A flatterer iz a common enemy.
If mankind were obliged tew giv their gifts sekretly, they would look
upon it az a grate hardship.
He that won’t listen, kan’t learn; phools and bobalinks are poor
listeners, and hav but one song.
Thare iz nothing we talk so fluently about az happiness, and nothing we
kno so little about.
Revenge iz the prerogative ov the brutes.
_Manner_ iz a grate deal more attraktive than _matter_--espeshily in a
monkey.
Whenever yu find a man who iz strikly honest, yu will find one who iz
truly courageous.
When eloquence and wisdum kontend for the superiority in a man, he haz
got about az far abuv the rest ov us az he kan git.
The luv ov change iz az natral in man az it iz in natur.
Thare iz two kinds ov hipokrits, the bold, and the humble, and the
humble ones are the wust.
The grate strength ov simplicity lays in the words, _not in the ideas_.
I don’t beleave thare iz ennything in this world that will add to a
man’s wealth, convenience or luxury, but what he kan git, if he will
only hunt enuff for it.
All wimmin are bi natur flirts, but those who are the most so, have the
least sense.
To be thoroughly good-natured, and yet avoid being imposed upon, shows
great strength ov character.
Enny person who will deliberately flatter yu, will deliberately defame
yu.
It iz a mighty hard job tew respekt the man that we hav tew forgiv.
I beleave thare iz more people in this world, honest from policy, than
thare iz from principle.
Very old people often are free from all appearances ov sin, bekauze they
hav nothing left for either tew feed upon.
Thare are people who are alwus anticipating trubble, and in this way
they manage tew _enjoy_ menny sorrows that never really happen tew them.
Fear ov sin haz made a grate menny more Christians than the luv ov
virtew haz.
I kno ov sevral kinds ov kuriosity, but thare iz one kind which prompts
us tew stick our noze into things just for the purpose ov smelling.
The luv ov praize never made enny man wuss, and haz made menny a man
better.
Thoze people who are sik and disgusted with themselfs are the ones who
suffer from ennui.
In bible times, when Balem’s ass spoke, it waz a mirakle; but the daze
ov mirakels are over, and the greatest asses we hav in theze times are
the gratest talkers.
Thare iz quite a difference between a _lu_minous and a _vo_luminous
writer, altho menny authors konfound the two.
Thoze who hav never sukceeded themselfs are alwus the most reddy tew
tell others how tew do it.
I am satisfied that the 2 gratest bores in the world are the Hoosick
tunnel and the author who iz hunting up a publisher for his fust book.
If yu wish tew retain the friendship, or even luv, ov others, yu must
keep them in yure hands, and not git into theirs.
It iz kind ov phunny that while modesty iz the gratest evidence ov
merit, it seems tew be the poorest gurantee ov suckcess.
Admire beauty, but don’t worship it.
Cunning men are sure tew git kaught at last, and when they are kaught
they are like a fox in a trap, about the sylliest looking fox yu ever
see.
Yu mite az well undertake tew drown a knot-hole out, bi pouring water
into it, az tew outtalk sum wimmin I kno ov.
We laff at sheep bekauze when one ov them leads the way all the rest
follow, however ridikilus it may be, and i suppose sheep laff, when they
see us doing the vary same thing.
It will do tew endorse some men, but not their paper, while thare iz
others whoze paper iz safer tew endosse than their karakter.
Fortune iz no holyday goddess she don’t simper amung arkadian scenes,
she dwells in rugged places, and yu kant wear her favors without winning
them.
FOUNDLINGS.
He that will foller good advice, iz a greater man than he that gives it.
It iz human to err, but devlish to brag on it.
Blessed iz he who haz a big pile, and knows how to spread it.
The minds ov the young are eazily trained; it iz hard work to git an old
hop vine to travel a new pole.
I dont hanker after bad luck, but I had rather run the risk ov it than
trust too mutch in the professions ov men.
Just in proportion that a man iz thankful to Heaven, and hiz nabor, just
in that proportion he iz happy.
It iz a dredful fine thing to whip a young one jist enuff, and not enny
more. I take it that the spot iz lokated jist whare their pride ends,
and their mad begins.
Blessed iz them who hav no eye for a key, nor ear for a knot-hole.
A man should learn tew be a good servant to himself before he iz fit to
boss others.
The more exalted our stashun, the more conspikuous our virtews, just az
a ritch setting adds to the brilliancy ov a jewel.
Blessed are the single, for they kan double at leizure.
If yu want to learn a child to steal oats in the bundle, make him beg
out ov yu evry thing that yu giv him.
Thare iz nothing so difikult for the best ov us az tew git the approval
ov our own conscience.
Blessed iz he who kan pocket abuse, and feel that it iz no disgrace to
be bit by a dog.
Punishments, tew hit the spot, should be few, but red-hot.
Happyness consists in being perfektly satisfied with what we hav got,
and what we haint got.
We are told that ritches takes wings and flies out ov sight, and i hav
known them tew take the proprietor along with them.
Blessed iz the man who kan eat hash with a clear conscience, for hiz
heart must be full ov pitty.
I hav seen those who were az full ov awl sorts ov learning az the
heavens are ov wind; they are just the things to cut up into
weather-cocks.
If a man iz thoroughly satisfied with himself, he will be very well
satisfied with evrybody else.
“Blessed are the meek and lowly” (and very lucky, too, if they don’t git
their noze pulled.)
If death iz an evil, birth iz a greater one.
One ov the fussyest scenes I ever listened to, waz two old maids,
waiting on one sick bachelor.
If we take all the hard sledding ov this life, and make it four times az
mutch, it wont amount tew the affliktions that men pile on to each
other.
I think evry man and woman on earth, ought tew wear on their hat-band
theze words, in large letters: “Lead us not into temtashun.”
I never knew ennyboddy yet to git stung by hornets, who kept away from
whare they waz--it iz jist so with bad-luck.
Blessed iz he who haz got a good wife and knows how to sail her.
The true definition ov a luxury iz sumthing that another feller haint
got the stamps to buy.
Blessed iz he who alwus carrys a big stone in hiz hand but never heaves
her.
Pissmires on the level, are only insignificent, but when they git up on
end and begin tew strut on 2 legs they are permanantly ridiklous.
I never read the comick papers, dear Jesse, enny more than I would eat
rye-bread when I am away from home.
Yu kan judge ov a mans religion very well by hearing him talk, but yu
kant judge ov hiz piety by what he sez, enny more than yu kan judge ov
hiz amount ov linnen by the stick out ov hiz collar and waistbands.
DRIED FRUIT.
When a rooster crows, he crows all over.
A _poor, but dishonest cuss_ iz about az low down az enny man kan git,
unless he drinks whiskee too.
Error will slip thru a crack, while truth will git stuck in a doorway.
The man who haz just found out he kant afford tew burn green wood haz
taken hiz fust lesson in ekonemy.
Thare iz only one thing that kan beat truth, and that iz he who alwus
speaks it.
It iz hard work, at fust sight, tew see the wisdum ov a rattle snaik
bite, but thare iz thousands ov folks who never think ov their sins
untill they are bit bi a rattle snaik.
Thare iz a grate deal ov human natur in a krab, if yu don’t pick them up
in the right way, yu will diskover it.
I think now, if i had all the money that iz due me, i would invest it in
a saw mill, and then “let her rip.”
Take the humbugg out ov this world, and yu wont hav mutch left tew do
bizzness with.
When we say, “such a man haz bowels ov mercy,” do we mean tew be
understood that he iz a light eater?
Faith and curiosity are the gin cocktails ov suckcess.
Advertising iz sed tew be a certain means of success; sum folks are so
impressed with this truth, that it sticks out ov their tombstun.
Thare iz this diffrence between ignorance and error; ignorance iz stone
blind, and error iz near-sighted; ignorance stands still and error only
moves to run agin a post.
Economy iz a savings bank, into which men drop pennys, and git dollars
in return.
There iz one thing yu kant put out, and that iz yure conscience; yu may
smother it, but a coal pit, it kontains the charred remains.
The two richest men now living in Amerika that i kno of, iz the one who
haz got the most money and the other who wants the least; and the last
one iz the happiest ov the two.
REMNANTS.
Customs are like grease--they make ennything slip eazy.
Thare iz sum things that kant be counterfitted--a blush iz one ov them.
Goodness iz jist az mutch ov a studdy az mathumaticks iz.
If a man expekts tew be very virtewous he musn’t mix too much with the
world, nor too mutch with himself neither.
Thare iz more deviltry in the world than thare iz ignorance.
The people who acktually deserve tew liv their lives over agin are the
verry ones who dont want to do it.
The richest man ov all iz he who haz got but little, but haz got all he
wants.
Natur makes all the noblemen--wealth, edukashun, nor pedigree, never
made one yet.
When a man duz me a favour i alwus try tew remember it, and when he duz
me an injury i alwus try tew forget it--if i dont, I ought to.
[Illustration: REMNANTS.]
If a man iz honest he may not alwus be in the right, but he kan never be
in the wrong.
Grate talkers are generally grate liars, for men who talk so mutch must
sooner or later, run out ov the truth, and tell what they dont kno.
I dont bet thare iz enny sich thing az a perfektly good man, or a
perfekly bad man.
I kno ov enny quantity ov people whose virtews are at the mercy ov other
folks, who are good simply for the reputashun ov it, who haven’t got
enny more real appetite tew their conscience than a klam haz.
I hav studdyed mi own karakter, and mi own impulses for 39 years
clussly, and i kant tell to day (to save a bet) whether i am an honest
and trew man or not--if thare iz enny boddy who knows about this matter
i wish they would address me a letter, enklosing a postage blister.
Thare iz no sekts, nor religious disputes amung the heathen, they all of
them cook a missionary in the same way.
One grate reazon whi “Jordan iz sich a ruff road tew travel,” iz
bekauze, almost every boddy works inside ov their own lot, and lets the
turnpike take care ov itself.
Thare iz lots ov folks who expekt tew eskape Hell jist bekauze the crowd
iz so grate that are going thare.
Every man makes hiz own pedigree, and the best pedigree iz a clear
conscience.
To be a gentleman,--git ritch, and keep a hoss and buggy.
Virtew in a poor man iz looked upon az a jewel in a tuds noze.
The man who iz a tyrant in hiz household iz an abjekt cuss amung hiz
equals.
After a man iz fairly born the next grate blessing iz a square deth.
Virtew iz like strength, no man kan tell how mutch he haz got ov it till
he cums akrost sumthing he kant lift.
I hav cum tew the konklusion that what every boddy praizes wants cluss
watching.
Thare iz nothing the wurld will pay so mutch for az fust rate nonsense,
and thare iz nothing in the market so skarse.
Thare iz menny folks who are like mules, the only way tew their
affeckshuns iz thru the kindness ov a klub.
Thare aint but phew people who know how to giv gifts, and the number who
kno how tew receive them iz less.
The strongest propensity in womans natur iz to want to know “_whats
going on!_” and the next strongest, iz tew boss the job.
Skorn not the day ov little things, for thare iz no man in this world so
grate but what sum one kan do him a favor or an injury.
Thare iz one witness that never iz guilty ov perjury, and that iz the
conscience.
Thare iz sich a thing az being alwus too quick--i am one ov that kind
miself, i alwus miss a rale rode train bi being thare a haff an our too
soon.
REMARKS.
When a man hain’t got enny thing to say, then iz a good time tew keep
still,--thare iz but few people who hav missed a good opportunity tew
ventilate their opiniyuns.
Just about az cerimonys creep into one end ov a church piety creeps out
ov the other.
Thoze who hav the fewest failings, see the fewest in others.
Pride iz az universal az hair on the hed--sum are proud ov their
virtews, sum ov their vices, and sum, having neither themselves, brag on
other people’s.
Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a microscope.
An industrious man iz seldom a bad man.
Men will believe their pashuns quicker than they will their consciences,
and yet their pashuns are generally wrong, and their consciences alwus
right.
It ain’t mutch truble tew bear the pain or sum boddy else’s lame back,
but tew hav the lame back oneself ain’t so stylish.
Dispising fortune iz not a sure way tew gain her favors,--pipe to her,
and she may dance to you.
Take all the _interest_ out ov this world, and there wouldn’t be
_friendship_ enuff left for seed.
Sekrets are a burden, and that iz one reason why we are anxious to hav
sumboddy help us carry them.
I hav seen men so full ov vanity, that they could not endure the sight
ov a peacock, with his tale on parade.
The most excruciating bore I know is excessive politeness.
If I was called upon tew describe Eloquence, I should do it az I would a
suit ov clothes,--‘_ov suitable texture and a perfect fit_.’
Gravity iz no more an evidence ov wisdom, than it iz ov ill natur.
The greater the man, the less hiz virteus appear, and the larger hiz
faults.
The man who hain’t got an enemy, iz really poor.
Don’t mistake _vivacity_ for _wit_, thare iz just az mutch diffrence as
thare iz between lightning and a lightning bug.
No man ever yet undertook tew alter his natur by substituting sum
invenshun ov his own, but what made a botch job ov it.
Religion in theze days, iz compozed ov vanity, and piety, and each man
and woman iz a better judge ov the proportion than I am.
Lovers feed upon mysteries, but after they are married, and the pork and
beans are brought on, they hav a fair chance tew test the real qualitys
ov their appetights.
An insult tew one man iz an insult tew all, for it may be our turn next.
I don’t kno ov enny thing that would use the whole ov us up more
thoroughly, than tew hev all ov our wishes gratified.
Thare iz 2 kinds ov obstinacy, obstinacy in the right, and obstinacy in
the wrong, one iz the strength ov a grate mind, and the other iz the
strength ov a little one.
Lazyness iz like mollassis, sweet and sticky.
I think a bear in hiz claws, iz prefarable tew one with gloves on.
I kant tell now which I admire least, an old coquett, or a young prude.
Misanthropy don’t pay--thare aint no man living whoze hate the world
cares one cuss for.
Rash men ken be korrekted, but it dont pay to labour with a phool.
The man who haz never enjoyed the plezzure ov being forgiven, haz missed
one ov the greatest luxurys ov life.
I hav seen coquettry, that had no more malice in it, than a ewe lamb,
frisking on the green.
When i cum acrost a man who utters hiz opinyuns with immense
deliberashun, and after they are uttered they dont amount to ennything,
I write him down “misterious phool.”
The grate cry ov the world now daze iz, “Whats trumps.”
Love iz a weakness,--but it iz the same kind ov a weakness that
repentance iz, both ov them are creditable tew our natures.
A man iz hiz own best friend, and worst enemy.
Jealousy iz one ov loves parasites.
We kan endure vices in the young that we should despise in the
old--(pleaze make a note ov this old phellows).
Friendship iz like earthenware, if it iz broken it kan be mended, but
love iz like a mirror, once broken, that ends it.
I dont kno ov enny thing on the face ov this earth more remorseless,
than 7 per cent interest.
Thare iz a grate deal ov difference between enduring misfortunes because
we expekt to, and enduring them bekauze we are obliged to, one iz
pashunce, and the other iz mere sullenness.
When i see an old man marry a young wife, i consider him starting out on
a bust, for I am reminded ov the parable in the Bible, about new wine,
and old bottles.
SAWS.
Thar iz no limit tew the vanity of this world, each spoke in the wheel
thinks the whole strength ov the wheel depends upon it.
[Illustration: SAWS.]
The only claim enny man kan have upon the world, after he haz left it,
iz for good examples.
Thare iz just az mutch difference between precept and example, az thare
iz between a horn that blows a noize, and one that blows a tune.
Thare seems tew be a propriety in all things; late experiments in New
York city, have proved, that religion in a rat pit iz a failure. Grate
examples are no excuse for iniquity. Our Saviour thought so when he sed:
“Git thee behind me, Satan.”
Sin in the soul iz like a sliver in the flesh, mortification iz the
natral way tew git rid ov it.
The man who dont praktiss what he preaches, iz no better than the
rattlesnaik, who warns, and then strikes.
Fortune haz but little power over those who are not her suitors.
Man by natur luvs sosiety, and the more he luvs it, the more natral
virtews he possesses--the most vicious amung the animals are thoze who
liv the most sekluded.
Beware ov false friends,--yure dog wont desert yu when yure munny iz
gone.
One reazon whi friendships are so transhient, is bekauze we so often
mistake a companyun for a friend.
To know how to think, iz one ov the sciences.
Poor human natur iz too full ov its own grievances tew hav enny pitty to
spare,--if yu show a man a big bile on yure arm, he will tell yu he had
one twice az big az that, on the same spot, last year.
The thinking men outliv the labouring men.
The owl iz remarkable for hiz gravity, and also for his stupidity.
Flattery iz like mollassis, a very little of it tastes sweet tew a wize
man, and a good deal of it, tastes sweet tew a phool.
Politeness subsists upon politeness.
I like a hornet for one thing, they always attend tew their own
bizzness, and wont let enny boddy else attend tew it.
Fools are alwus a looking ahead tew get wisdum, wize men look back.
It iz the eazyest thing in the world tew make a blunder, and the hardest
thing tew own it.
I deskribe a kiss, az the time, and spot, whare affeckshun cums tew the
surface.
Man waz kreated a little lower than the angels, but while an infant, he
fell one day out ov hiz kradle, and hain’t struk bottom yet.
If a man iz very anxious tew kultivate a good opinyun ov human natur, he
mustn’t know too mutch ov it.
A phool iz not necessarily a man without enny sense, but one without the
right kind ov sense.
When a man gits tew talking about himself, he seldum fails tew be
eloquent, and often reaches the sublime.
Excellence in enny direction iz rare--even good clowns are skarse.
Love generally changes coquettry to sense, and prudery to sillyness.
It iz only a step from cunning tew dishonesty, and it iz a step that a
man iz liable at ennytime tew take.
Old age haz its priviliges--one iz tew find fault with everything.
_Weak_ and _wicked_ are the two worst things that ennyboddy can be
charged with.
He who iz willing tew trust everyboddy, iz willing tew be cheated by
everyboddy.
Whenever yu find a man, with an excentricity ov enny kind, which he
brags ov, yu kan put that man down az a “_beat_,” and charge it tew mi
account.
A wise man iz never less alone than when alone.
A man may mistake hiz tallents, but he kant mistake hiz genius.
Tallent must hav memory, genius don’t require it.
I don’t beleave thare iz a human being on the face ov the earth, nor an
angel in heaven, who are posatively proof against temptashun.
When a man measures out glory for himself he alwus heaps the half
bushel.
A bile ain’t a very sore thing after all, espeshily when it iz on sum
other phellow.
Pretty much all the philosophy in this world iz kontained in the
following bracket--[_grin and bear it._]
I don’t kno whitch haz done the most damage in this world, lazyness or
malice, but i guess lazyness has.
If I had 4 fust rate dogs i would name the best one “Doubtful” and the
other 3 “Useless.”
Rumor iz like a swarm ov bees, the more yu fite them the less yu git rid
ov them.
Virtew may konsist in never sinning, but the glory ov virtew konsists in
repentance.
Fashion makes phools ov sum, sinners ov others, and slaves ov all.
A jest may be kruel, but a joke never iz.
I never bet: not so mutch bekause i am afrade i shall loze, az bekauze i
am afrade i shall win.
A phools money iz like hiz brains, very oneazy.
I don’t think the height ov impudence haz ever been reached yet, altho
menny hav made a good try for it.
The reason whi all the works ov nature are so impressive, iz bekauze,
they represent ideas.
The books which summer tourists carry about with them are desighned more
to employ the hands, than improve the branes.
The man whoze whole strength lays in his money iz a weak man; I had
rather be able tew milk a cow suckcessfully, on the wrong side, than to
be such a man.
* * * * *
Patience, if it iz merely constitushional, don’t appear tew me to be
enny more ov a virtue than kold feet are.
But fu sights, in this life, are more sublime and pathetick, than tew
see a poor, but virtuous yung man, full ov christian fortitude,
struggling with a mustach.
REMARKS.
Marrying a woman for her munny is vera mutch like setting a rat-trap,
and baiting it with yure own finger.
It is highly important, when a man makes up his minde tew bekum a
raskall, that he shud examine hisself clusly, and see if he aint better
konstructed for a phool.
I argy in this way, if a man is right he cant be too radikal, if he is
rong he kant be too conservatiff.
I beleave in the universal salvashun ov men, but I want tew pick the
men.
I beleave in suggar coated pills.--I also beleave that virtue and wisdum
kan be smuggled into a man’s soul bi a good natured proverb, better and
deeper than tew be mortised into it with a worm-wood mallet and
chissell.
The pure don’t grow old enny more than a mountain spring dus.
Rize arly, work hard, and late, live on what yu kant sell, giv nothing
awa, and if yu dont die ritch, and go tu the devil, yu ma sue me for
damages.
Marrin for love ma be a little risky, but it is so honest, that God kant
help but smile on it.
I think i had rather hav a noze 7 inches and a half long, (in the clear)
than tew be the hansumest man in our county; for in the fust case, i
should work hard tew shorten mi nose bi some other good qualitys, while
in the other case, i probably should never be told by my looking-glass
that i was a phool.
Awl human happiness is conservatiff; 2 thirds ov the pleasure in sliding
down hill consists in drawing the sled back. I don’t serpoze thare would
be enny fun in sliding down a hill 34 miles long.
Aul ov us komplain ov the shortness ov life yet we all waste more time
than we uze.
That, some peoples are fond ov bragging about their ansesstors, and
their grate descent, when in fack, their _grate descent_ iz jist what’s
the matter ov them.
We are told “that an honest man is the noblest _work_ ov God”--but the
demand for the _work_ has been so limited, that i hav thought a large
share ov the fust edishun must still be in the author’s hands.
I never bet enny stamps on the man who iz always telling what he would
have did if he had bin _thare_; I hav notised that this kind never git
_thare_.
Success in life iz verry apt tew make us forget the time when we wasn’t
much. It iz jist so with the frog on the jump; he kant remember when he
waz a tadpole--but other folks kan.
I always advise short sermons, espeshily on a hot Sunday. If a minister
cant strike ile in boring 40 minutes, he has either got a poor gimblet,
or else he is boring in the rong plase.
Thare is 2 kinds of politeness, the ripe, and the too mutch ripe
politeness; a goose has a grate deal of this last kind ov politeness; i
have seen them lower their heds while going into a barn door, that was
18 foot high.
God save the phools! and don’t let them run out, for if it want for
them, wise men couldn’t get a livin.
Pudding and milk is a good thing tew git happy on, but too mutch pudding
and milk, even, will worry a man.
The man who kan ware a paper collar a hole week and keap, it klean, aint
fit for enny thing else.
NOSEGAYS.
The man who iz alwus anxious tew assume a responsibility, iz either a
phool, or a knave, i dont kno which.
If yu want to klime a tree yu hav got tew begin at the bottom.
As spunky people az i hav ever known have been az arrant kowards.
I had mutch rather _alwuss_ look forward tew the time, when i am going
tew ride in a carriage, than tew look bak _once_ tew the time when i
used to do it.
A certain amount of cerimony seems tew be necessary to run the soshul
masheen with, but when pholks git so mutch cerimony on hand, that they
have tew be formaly introduced every time they meet at an evening
meeting, i think that they hav wore the flesh all oph from cerimony.
[Illustration: NOSEGAYS.]
When i cum akrost people who are perfektly krazy for ventilashun, i say
to miself, “that kritter was brought up in a windmill.”
The majority ov the world are like rats, they live upon plunder and
forsake a sinking ship.
Punktuality is one grate element ov sukcess.
A watch that dont keep korrekt time is wuss than no watch at all.
Grate powers are useful only az they are made serviceable--the value ov
a hoss depends upon hiz being well broke.
Too mutch branes iz rather a hindrance than a help to a simply bizzness
man.
A praktikal joke iz like a fall on the ice, thare may be phun in it, but
the one that falls kant alwus see it.
The soundest wisdum cums from experience, but thare iz a nearer road to
it allmost az sure--reading and reflekshun.
He who reads and don’t reflekt, iz like the one who eats and don’t
exercise.
The best reformers the world haz ever seen are thoze who commense on
themselfs.
He who simply repents ov a sin pays only 50 cents on a dollar, while he
who forsakes it pays one hundred.
The more a person hunts for the mote in hiz brother’s eye the plainer he
will diskover--if he iz a man ov sense--the beam in his own.
People are more apt tew make a shield ov their religion than they are a
pruning-hook.
Religion iz too often kut az the clothes are, ackording tew the
prevailing fashun.
It iz eazier tew be virtewous than it iz tew appear so, and it pays
better.
Wicked men should pay homage tew virtew, for though they do not honor
her she iz their gratest safeguard.
The man who haint got enny religion tew defend won’t defend ennything.
Whi iz it that we despize the man who puts himself in our power, and are
quite az apt to respekt him just in proporshun az he iz out of our
reach.
Modesty iz strength, but diffidence iz weakness. Modesty iz always an
evidence ov worth, while diffidence may be a consciousness ov evil.
Thare iz but very phew real suckcesses in this world that are
undeserved.
Let no man flatter himself that he kant be spared. Thare iz more people
waiting tew step into hiz shuze than he iz aware ov.
The longer i liv the more i am convinced that mankind gro _different_
not _worse_. Us old pholks are apt to konfound the terms.
A wicked man iz no kompany for himselfs.
All people luv authority, but the vulgar luv it the most.
It iz eazy enuff tew get at enny man’s wealth, for he that alwus wants
more iz poor, and he that would be satisfied with less iz ritch.
We pitty others bekauz we are better oph ourselves; the unfortunate dont
pitty the unfortunate.
Pride and poverty hav travelled together now for about 5 thousand years,
and pretend to luv each other, but they kant phool ennyboddy but
themselfs.
Lazy men are alwuss the most posative. They are too lazy to inform
themselfs, and too lazy to change their minds.
A man will defend his weak spots a grate deal more sharply than he will
hiz strong ones.
If men were stubborn just in proporshun az they waz right, stubborness
would take her seat among the virtews, but men are generally stubborn
just in proporshun az they are ignorant and wrong.
Genius after all ain’t ennything more than elegant kommon sense.
Thare iz a grate deal ov dignity in this world, that iz komposed
entirely ov _dignity_, and nothing else.
We hav professors who teach the art ov talking korrektly, whi kant we
hav sum who will teach the art ov listening pashuntly.
A skeptik iz one who knows too mutch to be a good phool, and too little
to be wise.
Slander travels on the wind, and whare it cums from, and whare it will
go we don’t enny ov us seem tew kno.
Look out for thoze pholks who are familiar on short notiss, they are
like hornets, they mean _sting_.
When a man ov _larning_ talks he makes us wonder, but a wize man makes
us think.
It iz safe to say that thoze who go into solitude are not fit for
sosiety, and thoze who are not fit for sosiety are certainly unfit for
solitude.
A sophist iz one who puts hiz light under a half-bushel for the sake ov
letting the light shine thru the kracks.
Style in writing iz like style in dress--a good fit.
How menny suspishus people one meets in this world. If their nozes waz
stuffed with kotton wool they would smell sum kind ov a rat.
Most ov the animiles and insex (az well az the men) liv on each other,
but the spider iz the meanest in the whole lot, for they set traps for
their viktims, and dont even bait the traps.
What should we do if it want for the churches? Thare iz a plenty ov
people who kant worship God only in a church. If they were out in a
field on the Sabbath day they would at once bekum lawless, and fall to
digging out woodchucks or hunting for bumblebees’ nests.
People worth noticing should never forgit that everything they say and
do iz watched by sumboddy, and it iz equally true that the good things
are generally forgot, but the bad ones never.
I phully apreshiate the proverb, “that speech iz silver, but silence iz
golden,” but i must say that sum ov the most diskreet and dignified
phools that i hav ever met hav been thoze who never ventured an opinyun
on enny subjekt.
What iz happier tew meet than a good temper? It iz like the sun bi day
and the soft harvest moon bi nite.
Giv every one you meet, my boy, the time ov day and haff the road, and
if that dont make him civil dont waste enny more fragrance on the cuss.
Sum pholks are natrally so kross and krabbid that it iz an insult tew
them to ask them tew be polite. Yu mite as well ask a dog tew take the
krook out ov hiz tale, and be a gentleman.
Thare iz a grate deal ov religion in this world that iz like a
life-preserver--only put on at the moment ov extreme danger, and put on
then, haff the time, hind side before.
With all the howling for liberty that men and wimmin engage in, thare
iz, after all, but very little ov it in the world--we are all ov us
slaves to sumthing.
I hav often heard ov men who had bekum disgusted with the world, and
retired into solitude; but i hav never heard ov a kommitty ov our fust
citizens waiting on them and asking them tew kum bak.
Pedigree may be valuabel for a man, but i notiss it ain’t wuth mutch for
a hoss: for the fust question that iz asked, iz: “What can he go out and
show?”
I never hav known a man yet die at three skore years and ten possessed
ov the welth that he had got rongfully.
Peace iz the shaddo that the setting sun ov a virtewous life kasts.
Side by side ov Plain Truth stands Common Sense--two ov the gratest
warriors time haz ever produced.
Diogoneze waz a grater man than Alexander, not bekauze he lived in a
tub, but bekauze a tub waz all he wanted tew liv in; wealth could not
flatter him, nor could poverty make him afrade.
It takes just 3 times az long tew tell a lie, on enny subjekt, az it duz
tew tell the truth.
Vanity iz the most jealous disseaze; i hav saw men so vain that they
kouldn’t look with kompozure upon a peakok spreading hiz appendix tew
the morning sun.
Tru valor iz like honesty, it enters into all that a man sez or duz.
The man who thinks “he kant do it,” iz alwuss more than haff right.
One ov the hardest things tew learn a child, iz tew tell the truth, but
it should be done, if--death ensues.
SHOOTING STARS.
Most people are like an egg, too phull ov themselfs to hold enny thing
else.
Thare iz this difference between genius and tallent, one iz a natral
reservoi, and the other haz tew be kontinually pumpt up.
“Misery luvs kompany,” but kant bear kompetishun, thare aint no boddy
but what thinks thare bile iz the sorest bile in markit.
A reputashun for honor once lost, iz lost forever.
Men who kno the least, alwus argy the most.
A crowing hen, and a kakling rooster, are the poorest kind ov poultry.
To be a big man amung big men, iz what proves a man’s karakter--to be a
bul frog amung tadpoles, dont amount to mutch.
What a blessed thing it iz that we kant “see ourselfs az others see
us,”--the sight would take all the starch out ov us.
Thare iz lots ov pholks in this wurld who kan keep nine out ov ten ov
the commandments, without enny trubble at all, but the one that iz left
they kant keep the small end ov.
I never question a suckcess, enny more than i do the right ov a bull dog
to lie in hiz own gateway.
To wake up from a sweet sleep, iz tew be born agin.
Expektashun iz the child ov Hope, and like its parent iz an arogant
brat.
[Illustration: SHOOTING STARS.]
Mi friend, yu may be more cunning than _most_ men, but yu aint more
cunning than _all_ men.
Excentricitys are most alwus artyfishall, and the best that kan be sed
ov them iz, they are quite az often the result ov diffidence az ov
vanity.
If i want tew git at the trew karakter ov a man, i studdy hiz vices more
than i do hiz virtews.
Faith wont make a man virtewous, but it makes what virtew he haz got red
hot. Those who expekt tew keep themselfs pure in this life, must keep
their souls bileing all the time, like a pot, and keep all the time
skimming the surface.
It don’t do tew trust a man too mutch, who iz alwus in a hurry, he iz
like a pissmire, whose heart and bones lays in hiz heels.
Thare iz nothing so delishus tew the soul ov man az an ockashional
moment ov sadness.
The man whose only plezzure in this life, iz making munny, weighs less
on the moral skales than an angleworm.
_Manner_ iz far more attraktive than _matter_--monkeys are watched
clusser than eagles are.
Jelous people alwus luv themselfs more than they do thoze whom they are
jelous ov.
Curiosity iz the germ ov all enterprizes--men dig for woodchucks more
for curiosity, than they do for woodchucks.
The purest and best specimens ov human natur that the world haz ever
seen, or ever will see, hav bin the virtewous heathen.
Men don’t fall so often in this world from a want ov right motives, az
they do from lack ov grip.
Thare iz only two men in this world who never make enny blunders, and
they are _yu_ and _me_, mi friend.
Every man seemz tew hav hiz price, except the newsmonger, they prefer to
work for nothing, and board themselfs.
Yung man, yu kant learn ennything bi hearing yureself talk, but yu may
possibly by hearing others.
Thare iz no one who kan disregard with impunity the proprietys ov life,
but thare are menny people who, if they aint propper, ain’t nothing.
Thare iz lots ov folks in this world whom yu kan blo up like a bladder,
and then kik them az high az yu pleze.
I hav alwus notissed one thing, that when a cunning man burns hiz
fingers every boddy hollers for joy.
Grate men should only allow their most trusty friends tew see them in
their hours ov relaxashun.
I sumtimes distinguish between tallent and genius in this way: A man ov
tallent kan make a whissell out of a pig’s tale, but it takes a man of
genius tew make the tale.
I kant tell now whether a goose stands on one leg so mutch to rest the
leg az to rest the goose. I wish sum scientifick man would tell me all
about this.
Thare iz a mitey site ov difference whether Mr. John Smith will appear
at Booth’s Theater az Othello, or whether Othello will appear az Mr.
John Smith.
I had rather be a child again than to be the autokrat ov the world.
Thare iz newmerous individuals in the land who look upon what they
hain’t got az the only things worth having.
Thare iz thoze who kant laff with impunity; if they aint stiff and
sollum they aint nothing.
A fu branes in a man’s hed are az noizy az shot in a blown up bladder.
One man ov genius to 97 thousand four hundred and 42 men ov tallent iz
just about the rite perporshun for aktual bizzness.
I hate grate talkers; i had rather hav a swarm ov bees lite onto me.
Adam and Eve were very good kind ov pholks until they were tempted, and
then they kerflumixt immediately.
Ventilashun iz a good thing, but when a man kant lay down and sleep in a
10 aker lot without taking down two lengths ov fence to let the wind in
he iz alltogether too airish.
I hav finally made up mi mind tew do a good turn whenever i kan, even if
i git histed higher than a kite for it.
I think that a hen who undertakes tew lay 2 eggs a day must necessarily
neglekt sum other branch ov bizzness.
He who really deserves friends alwus finds them.
Thare is “menny a slip between a cup and lip,” but not haff az menny az
thare ought tew be.
The two most important words in enny languarge are the shortest--“Yes”
and “No.”
One ov the most honest and reliable men i kno ov at the present time iz
“Old Probabilitiz;” he iz an ornament and honor tew hiz sex.
Men hav more vanity than wimmin, and wimmin hav more jealousy than men.
Rather than not hav faith in enny thing, i am willing tew be beat 9
times out ov 10.
In whipping a yung one, yu don’t never ought tew stop untill yu git
klean thru.
I dont never hav enny trubble in regulating mi own kondukt, but tew keep
other pholks straight iz what bothers me.
Looking at pikturs iz a cheap way tew think.
{MONOGRAFFS.}
THE INTERVIEWER.
I pitty the poor Interviewer, he iz not alwus a bad phellow at heart,
but hiz trade iz a mean one, and the bizzness haz spilte him.
I would rather lead a blind mule on the tow-path for a living, or retail
soft klams from a ricketty waggon, than tew be an Interviewer, and worry
people with questions, they waz afrade tew answer and too vain tew
refuse.
The Interviewer iz a human hosstrich, feeding on enny thing he kan find,
and digesting eazy enny thing he can swallo.
He iz a kind ov kultivated hyena, and makes yu shudder to think, that at
enny moment, he may turn wild and begin tew hunt for a human beefstake.
He haz just branes enuff tew keep hiz impudence aktiv, and tho he haz
but little malice, he will hunt yu sharper, and worry yu wuss, than a
canal boat bedbug.
He iz like a ritch cheeze, chuck phull ov little things.
Thare iz no eskaping this breed ov kritters, if yu run they will
overtake yu, if yu steal into yure hole they will either dig for yu, or
stand around on the outside till yu cum out.
They are wuss than a flea tew a long-haired dog.
Interviewers are a cross between the old-fashioned _quid nunk_ and the
modern Buzzer, and are a pesky improvement on both.
Death itself iz no eskape from the Interviewer, for they will hang
around the departure till they git an item, and then go for the widow.
The Interviewer would rather tell the truth if he kan, but aint
discouraged if he iz forced tew tell what aint so.
They are az dangerous tew admit into yure konfidence az a pickpocket iz,
not bekause they will take enny spoons, but bekauze yu are haff afrade
they will.
[Illustration: THE INTERVIEWER.]
Modesty would ruin an Interviewer, delikasy would unfit him for
bizzness, he kan even thrive without being honest, and tew make him an
adept in hiz calling, he dont require enny more tenderness than an
undertaker duz.
Yu kan git rid ov a hornet by brakeing his nek, yu kan outrun a blak
snaik, and kan hide from the sheriff, but the Interviewer, like the
cursid muskeeter in the dark, hovers around yu, and if he don’t bight,
he sings, which is the wusstest ov the two.
I hav bin lit onto by the Interviewer miself, and hav answered hiz
questions, az honest az ever a child did the katekism, and the next day
read the dialogue in the morning paper, and it waz all az new to me az
Old Probabilitiz log ov the weather.
Don’t never tell any sekrets tew an Interviewer; he will open them az
they open oysters in the market, and retail them on the haff shell.
I treat all interviewers politely; when they begin tew bait me, i ask
them tew smoke (i never knu one to refuse), and when they press me too
clussly then i begin tew whissell.
I am an awful poor whissler enny how.
I do really pitty the poor Interviewer; he works for hiz bread like enny
other skribbler, and for what i kno, hates the bizzness, but i am sad
when I say, that if he iz good at interviewing, he iz too impudent tew
be good for enny thing else.
Sum people luv tew be interviewed, and i must say, theze kind of pholks
never reach the dignity ov impudence; they are simply disgusting.
Yu kant git a journeyman Interviewer tew waste enny time on sutch stale
goods; he would az soon think of interviewing a last year’s birds’ nest,
or a kuntry gide-board.
Thare iz no kure for a reglar Interviewer; he thirsts for the game like
a fox hound on the trak; he livs upon plunder, and would rather be sent
up for 30 daze than to see hiz collum in the morning Gazzette without a
trophy.
THE MUSK RAT.
The musk rat iz bigger than a squirrell, and smaller than a woodchuk,
and iz az unlike them az a Rokaway klam and a lobster are different from
each other.
He iz amphibikuss, and kan liv on the land a good deal longer than he
kan liv under the water.
He feeds upon roots, herbs, and soft klams, and smells like the wake of
a fashionable woman out on parade.
He bilds houses in the winter, about az big az flour barrels, all over
the marshes, and enters them from the cellar.
Hiz phur iz worth just about 25 cents, and aint lively in market at
that.
Yu kan ketch them in allmoste enny kind ov a trap that haz got a way tew
git into it. They are not kunning, and aint diffikult tew suit.
When i waz a boy i trapped every winter for musk rats, and bought the
fust pare ov skates i ever owned with their skins.
I hav seen them in winter setting up on end on the ice, cluss beside
their holes, az stiff az an ezklamashun point, and when they see me they
change ends and point down, like a semicolon, and that waz the last ov
them.
The musk rat haz a flat tale, with no more phur on it than a file haz.
I dont dispize musk rat--oh, no!--but i dont worship him.
He haz but phew sins tew answer for; the chief one iz digging holes in
the bank of the Erie kanal, and letting the water brake out. He will hav
tew answer for this sumtime.
I luv all the animals, all the bugs, all the beasts, all the insex, all
the katterpillars, bekauze they are so natral. They are az mutch, if not
more, an evidence tew me ov the existance, the power, and the luv, ov an
overruling Providence, as man iz.
I kan see az mutch fust klass natur in an angleworm, akording tew the
square inch, az i kan see in an elephant.
I luv tew go phooling around amung the animiles ov all kinds in a warm
day; i had rather set down bi the side ov an ant hill and see the whole
swarm pitch onto a lazy kuss who won’t work, and run him out ov the
diggins, than tew set six hours at the opera and applaud what i don’t
understand, and weep at the spot whare the rest do, and pay 3 dollars
for the privilege ov doing it.
THE MINK.
The mink iz about fourth cuzzin tew the musk rat, and haz sum things in
common with him; they both smell alike.
He iz one ov yure land and water citizens, and kan dive deeper, do it
quicker, and kum out dryer than enny thing i kno ov.
His phur iz one ov the luxurys ov the present generashun and iz worth az
mutch akording tew its size as one dollar bills are.
He haz no very strong pekuliarity ov karakter except hiz perfume, which
iz about haff way in its smell between the beaver and the musk rat.
The mink haz 4 times the kunning that the musk rat haz, and iz bilt long
and slim like a little girl’s stocking.
They are not handy tew ketch, but when ketched are skinned whole.
I hav trapt a good deal for mink and hav kaught them mity little, for
they are almost az hard tew ketch in a trap and keep thare as a ray ov
light iz.
Thare iz sum people who hav et mink, and sed it waz good, but i wouldn’t
beleave sutch a man under oath, not bekauze he ment tew lie, but bekauze
he didn’t kno what the truth waz.
I et a piece ov biled wilekat once, and that haz lasted me ever since,
but i never waz parshall tew wild meat ennyhow.
I lived 25 years ov mi life whare game ov all kinds waz plenty. We had
bear, oppossum, buffalo and rattlesnaik, and then nights we had draw
poker and hi lo Jak, just tew waste the time a leetle.
THE DISTRIKT SKOOLMASTER.
Thare iz one man in this basement world that i alwus look upon with mixt
pheelings ov pitty and respekt.
_Pitty_ and _respekt_, az a genral mixtur, don’t mix well.
You will find them both traveling around amungst folks, but not growing
on the same bush.
When they do hug each other, they mean sumthing.
Pitty, without respekt, hain’t got much more oats in it than disgust
haz.
I had rather a man would hit me on the side ov the hed than tew pitty
me.
But thare iz one man in this world to whom i alwus take oph mi hat, and
remain uncovered untill he gits safely by, and that iz the distrikt
skoolmaster.
When I meet him, I look upon him az a martyr just returning from the
stake, or on hiz way thare tew be cooked.
He leads a more lonesum and single life than an old bachelor, and a more
anxious one than an old maid.
He iz remembered jist about az long and affektionately az a gide board
iz by a traveling pack pedlar.
If he undertakes tew make hiz skollars luv him, the chances are he will
neglekt their larning; and if he don’t lick them now and then pretty
often, they will soon lick him.
The distrikt skoolmaster hain’t got a friend on the flat side ov earth.
The boys snow-ball him during recess; the girls put water in hiz hair
die; and the skool committee make him work for haff the money a
bartender gits, and board him around the naberhood, whare they giv him
rhy coffee, sweetened with mollassis, tew drink, and kodfish bawls 3
times a day for vittles.
And, with all this abuse, I never heard ov a distrikt skoolmaster
swareing enny thing louder than--_Condem it_.
Don’t talk tew me about the pashunce ov anshunt Job.
Job had pretty plenty ov biles all over him, no doubt, but they were all
ov one breed.
Every yung one in a distrikt skool iz a bile ov a diffrent breed, and
each one needs a diffrent kind ov poultiss tew git a good head on them.
A distrikt skoolmaster, who duz a square job and takes hiz codfish bawls
reverently, iz a better man to day tew hav lieing around loose than
Soloman would be arrayed in all ov hiz glory.
Soloman waz better at writing proverbs and manageing a large family,
than he would be tew navigate a distrikt skool hous.
Enny man who haz kept a distrikt skool for ten years, and boarded around
the naberhood, ought tew be made a mager gineral, and hav a penshun for
the rest ov hiz natral days, and a hoss and waggin tew do hiz going
around in.
But, az a genral consequence, a distrikt skoolmaster hain’t got any more
warm friends than an old blind fox houn haz.
He iz jist about az welkum az a tax gatherer iz.
He is respekted a good deal az a man iz whom we owe a debt ov 50 dollars
to and don’t mean tew pay.
He goes through life on a back road, az poor az a wood sled, and finally
iz missed--but what ever bekums ov hiz remains, i kant tell.
Fortunately he iz not often a sensitive man; if he waz, he couldn’t enny
more keep a distrikt skool than he could file a kross kut saw.
Whi iz it that theze men and wimmen, who pashuntly and with crazed brain
teach our remorseless brats the tejus meaning ov the alphabet, who take
the fust welding heat on their destinys, who lay the stepping stones and
enkurrage them tew mount upwards, who hav dun more hard and mean work
than enny klass on the futstool, who have prayed over the reprobate,
strengthened the timid, restrained the outrageous, and flattered the
imbecile, who hav lived on kodfish and vile coffee, and hain’t been
heard to sware--whi iz it that they are treated like a vagrant fiddler,
danced to for a night, paid oph in the morning, and eagerly forgotten?
I had rather burn a coal pit, or keep the flys out ov a butcher’s shop
in the month ov August, than meddle with the distrikt skool bizzness.
SINGULAR BEINGS.
THE POMPOUS MAN.
The pompous man iz generally a snob at home and abroad.
He fills himself up with an east wind and thinks he iz grate just
bekauze he happens tew feel big.
He talks loud and large, but deceives noboddy who will take the trubble
tew meazzure him.
He iz a man ov small _caliber_, but a good deal ov _bore_.
Hiz family looks upon him az the gratest man that the world haz had the
honor to produce lately, and tho he gits snubbed often amungst folks,
lie rekompenses himself bi going home and snubbing hiz family.
THE ONE IDEA MAN.
[Illustration: THE YANKEE, THAT IS ALWAYS REDDY TO ARGUE THE QUESTION.]
The one idea man iz like the merino ram, he shuts up both eyes and goze
for things inkontinently. He misses, ov course, oftener than he hits,
but don’t kno the difference, and is always reddy to argue the question.
Yu kant konvince him that he iz wrong enny more than you kan a hornet.
One idea men are their own wust enemys, and there iz but one kure for
them, and that iz tew agree with them. If yu think just az they do, they
will soon want tew think sum other way, and that lets two ideas git into
their hed, which makes them perhaps endurable.
THE HAPPY MAN.
The happy man iz a poor judge of hiz own bliss, for he kant set down and
deskribe it.
Happiness iz like helth--thoze who hav the most ov it seem tew kno it
the least.
Yu kant go out in the spring ov the year and gather happiness along the
side ov the road just the same az you would dandylions--noboddy but a
natral born phool kan do this they are alwus happy, ov course.
When i hear a man bragging how happy he iz, he dont cheat me, he only
cheats himself.
THE HENPECKED MAN.
The henpecked man iz most generally married; but thare are instances on
reckord of single men being harrassed by the pullets.
Yu kan alwus tell one ov theze kind ov men, espeshily if they are in the
company ov their wives. They look az humble and resighned tew their fate
az a hen turkey in a wet day.
Thare aint nothing that will take the starch out ov a man like being
pecked by a woman. It is wuss than a seven months’ turn ov the fever and
agy.
The wives ov hen-pecked husbands most alwus out liv their viktims, and I
hav known them tew git marrid agin, and git hold ov a man that time
(_thank the Lord!_) who understood all the hen-peck dodges.
One ov these kind ov husbands iz an honor tew his sex.
The hen-pecked man, when he gits out amungst men, puts on an air ov
bravery and defiance, and once in a while will git a leetle drunk, and
then go home with a firm resolve that he will be captain ov his
household; but the old woman soon takes the glory out ov him, and
handles him just az she would a haff-grown chicken, who had fell into
the swill barrel, and had tew be jerked out dredful quick.
THE OFFICIOUS MAN.
The officious man stands around rubbing his hands, anxious for a job.
He seems tew ake for sumthing tew do, and if he gits snubbed in one
place, it don’t seem tew diskourage him, but like the fly, he lights on
another.
The officious man iz az free from malice as a young pup, who, if he kant
do anything else, iz reddy tew lay down in front of yu and be stept on.
Theze kind ov men spend their whole lives trieing tew make friends ov
all, and never succeed with any.
There iz a kind ov officious man, who iz only prompted bi his vanity,
hiz anxiety tew be useful tew others don’t arise from enny goodness ov
heart, but simply from a desire ov stiking hiz noze into things.
Theze kind ov individuals are supremely disgusting.
The officious man iz generally ov no use whatever tew himself, and a
nusance tew everyboddy else.
I don’t know ov but phew more unfortunit disposishuns than the officious
mans, for even in its very best phase, it seldom suckceedes in gitting
paid for its labors with common politeness.
THE PHUNNY MAN.
Thare iz hardly ennything that a man iz so vain ov az the humor that iz
in him.
The _phunny man_ iz seldum an humorist, and never a wit.
Hiz only pride iz tew make you laff; he seldum rizes abuv a jest, and
very often iz the only one who kan see enny point even in that.
He iz generally the hero ov the ockashun in the rural distrikts, and
kuntry bumbkins laff obstreprous whenever he opens his mouth.
The phunny man iz the clown at large, and hiz jests are sumtimes
amuzing, but never remembered.
Thare iz seldum enny taint ov originality in him, and the quips and the
quirks he deals in are old saws reset and refiled, and bad enuff done at
that.
It iz a dredful unfortunit thing tew deal in cast oph jokes; for, like
the old clothes bizzness, they will stick tew a man all thru life.
THE CHEEKY MAN.
Impudence, or sumthing like it, iz the leading trait in most suckcessful
mens karakters.
All the nice things that hav bin sed in favour ov modesty, fail tew
stand the test when brought into the pull and haul of every-day life.
Bold assurance, while it may often disgust us; will win 9 times out ov
10.
We all ov us praze the modest, but our praze iz only a kind ov pitty,
and pitty will ruin enny man.
Enny man will liv four times az long on abuse, and git phatt, az he will
on pitty.
Thare iz now and then a man who iz modest, but intensely in earnest, and
sutch men sweep everything before them.
The karakter ov the modest man iz a good thing, and a butiful thing tew
frame and hang up in a private apartment, but experience teaches us that
if we wait for our turn in this world, _our turn_ never seems tew come
round.
The cheeky man never enjoys thoze delightful sensations which arize from
having yielded tew others; hiz logick iz that the arly bird gits the
worm, and, regardless ov all delikasy, he goze for the worm.
Thare seems tew be nothing now daze that will warrant sukcess like
cheek, and the more cheek the better, even if you hav az mutch as a
mule.
THE LIVE MAN.
The _Live Man_ iz like the little pig; he iz weaned young, and begins
tew root arly.
He iz the pepper-sass ov creation--the all-spice ov the world.
One _Live Man_ in a village is like a case ov itch in a distrikt
skool--he sets evry boddy scratching at onst.
A man who kan draw New Orleans molasses in the month ov January, thru a
half inch augur-hole, and sing “Home! sweet home!” while the molasis iz
running, may be strictly honest, but he aint sudden enuff for this
climate.
The Live Man iz az full ov bizness az the conducter ov a street kar--he
iz often like a hornet, very bizzy, but about what, the Lord only knows.
He lights up like a cotton faktory, and haint got enny more time tew
spare than a skool-boy has Saturday afternoons.
He is like a decoy duck, alwus above water, and lives at least 18 months
each year.
He is like a runaway hoss; he gits the whole ov the road.
He trots when he walks, and lies down at night only bekauze everyboddy
else duz.
The live man is not always a deep thinker; he jumps at conclusions, just
as the frog duz, and don’t alwus land at the spot he is looking at.
He is the Amerikan pet, a perfekt mystery tew foreigners; but he has
done more (with charcoal) tew work out the greatness of this country
than any other man in it.
He is jist as necessary as the grease on an axle-tree.
He don’t alwus die ritch, but alwus dies bizzy, and meets death a good
deal az an oyster duz, without making enny fuss.
THE FAULT-FINDER.
Good Lord, deliver us from the Falt finder, one ov yure kronick
grunters, i mean. Theze kind ov human critters are alwuss full ov self
consait; if tha waz humble and wud dam themself okasionally, i wud try
tew pity them. Yure falt-finding old-bachelor, for instanze, odars a
pair ov No. 8 boots, and then kolides with his shumaker insted ov his
big feet; he walks tew the depo tew saive hack-hire and misses the
trane, and then kolides with the time-table; he kourts a gal till she
has tew marry sumboddy else tew keep from spileing, and then he don’t
believe thare is a vartuous woman living. If he enjoys ennything he dus
it under protess, and if ennyboddy else enjoys ennything he knows tha
lie about it. He is like a seckund rate bull tarrier, alwus a fiteing,
and alwus gitting licked. These kind ov critters never are reddy tew
die, bekause tha haint never begun tew live. I never maik their
ackquaintanse enny more than i dew sumboddy’s small pox, bekause i am a
looking after bright things and haint got enny to lose. Thare aint enny
remedee for this dissease but hunger, and that aint parmanent unless it
results in starvashun. Good Lord, deliver us from the falt-finder! if yu
undertake tew argy with them yu onla flatter them, and if yu jine in
with them yu onla maik them mad with them selfs.
I had rather be a target for awl the bad luk in this wurld than tew go
thru life shuteing a pizen arrow at awl the good luk. The more i think
ov it, the more i keep thinking that falt-finding iz verry much like
bobing for eels with a raw potater; a fust rate wa tew git out ov
consait ov awl kinds ov fishing, and a fust rate wa not tew ketch enny
eels.
Thare are many singular beins in this world, but i fancy the singularest
are the spinsters.
[Illustration]
JOSH AND THE BORDER INJUN.
Yu inform me, mi dear sir, that yu are a member ov the sosiety “for the
prevenshun ov kruelty tew animiles.”
Allow me tew simpathize with yu, bi saying, that i am glad ov it.
It iz a nobel institushun, and stands _ahed_ ov the prevenshun ov
kruelty tew humans.
It iz a fakt, that thoze who are kind tew animiles, are kind tew humans.
I am not acquainted with Mr. Bergh, the president ov yure assosiashun,
whom yu speak ov so kindly, i dont kno him personally, but i kno him at
a distance, he is very tall.
In yure letter tew me, yu speak very tenderly about the Injuns, and ask
me, “if thare aint sum way, tew alleviate the condishun ov the nobel red
man on our frontier.”
Yu say yu are willing tew bekum a missionary, and go amung them, and
labur for their good.
The injun, mi dear sir, iz a pekuliar kuss.
He haz the most ardent simpathizers amung thoze who dont kno him the
muchest.
In the komposishun ov the skool girl, the injun maiden bekums a brik,
and when the boys speak about him, they speak ov his bo and arrows, and
hiz nobel natur.
Most people kno the injun from the Hiawatha stand point, but i git mi
informashun from the kritter himself.
I dont liv amungst him now, but in the early years ov mi misfortunes, in
this latitude, i bekum striktly acquainted with the nobel injun az he
iz, not so mutch az he ought tew be, nor az poets hav tost him up.
I hav saw him in hiz natiff buty at home, and hav mi opinyun ov him,
which i am willing tew impart tew yu, at fust cost.
Mi advice tew yu, iz tew stay with Mr. Bergh, and stick tew the stage
hoss, and make him az comfortable az yu kan, and not waste enny
philanthropy, nor hallelujah, on the border injun.
Thare ain’t a more villainous individual, now loafing around loose, on
the footstool, than Mr. Lo, the injun.
The minnit an injun bekums what yu kall civilized, that minnit he iz
spilte.
A civilized injun aint ov enny more use tew himself, az a means ov
grace, nor ennyboddy else, than a tame deer.
If thare could be found an iland, in the depths of the sea, whare it waz
sure, no white man, nor blak man, nor blue man, would ever go, it mite
do tew stock it, with the injuns now residing on our border, and let
them civilize each other.
I am willing tew admit, thare iz a difference in the various tribes ov
injuns.
Sum are wuss than others, but civilizashun haz never been ov enny uze
tew an injun.
If yu ask enny border man, one who knos the kritters, he will tell yu
the same story.
Sunday skools are a good place tew learn the katekism, and git the hang
ov the 10 commandments, but tew kno the injun, mi dear sir, yu must go
amungst him.
Yu kant studdy injun, and lay around a meeting house all the time, i am
sorry for this, but i dont konsider that i am tew blame for it.
As i sed above, stick tew the omnibust hoss, he iz, in mi opinyun, a
more fit, and better paying investment, for yure kindness, than the best
Blackfeet injun thare iz now in the rocky mountains.
If yu should go amungst this tribe, az a fust class missionary, yu mite
eskape with yure life, and possibly with yure skalp, if yu did, you
would have sumthing tew brag ov, the rest ov yure life.
The grate trubble iz, the injun wont larn the virtews ov civilizashun,
he iz satisfied with larning the vices, and only studdiz how tew improve
on them.
Kruelty, and deceit, are the leading artikles in an injuns natur, and yu
mite az well undertaik tew break the wiggle out ov a snaix, or the sting
out ov a hornet, az tew git theze two vices out ov enny specimen ov
human natur, when they form the basis ov karakter.
Kindness towards an injun, is no gurantee ov safety.
When yu are amungst injuns, keep yure hand on yure revolver, and yure
eye over yure shoulder.
When i waz a very pretty boy, and fust began tew dwell amung romances, i
red menny ov the tales, told so well, about the injun, and thought, how
i would like tew be an nobel injun, and hav a wigwam, and foller the
bounding deer, and lay mi venson at the feet ov a dark komplekted buty,
and several more things, ov this prerswashun, but sum years after, i
found miself on the trail, and had all the injun poetry taken out ov me,
never more tew cum back.
[Illustration]
I dont wish tew hurt ennyboddys aktual pheelings, who have made up their
minds, that the injun iz a nobel kritter, but i will say tew them, stay
at home, and enjoy yure sentiments.
Dont go amung the nobel red man, now on our frontier, but stay at home,
and write sum stanzas about him, and civilize him at a distance.
I hav never had but one plan tew civilize the injun, since i hav got old
enuff tew do him enny good, and this plan iz more unique, than elegant.
Mi plan iz simpli thus,--let the government offer 10 dollars for every
injun civilized, and let the proof ov civilizashun be the hair ov the
injuns head, with the skin attached tew it.
Now menny folks will hold up their hands, in number one horror, at this
plan, but i will bet on the plan.
This iz the only way tew civilize the kind ov injun that i am a talking
ov, and not hav tew do the work over agin.
I dont klaim tew be the original pattentee ov this plan ov civilizashun,
sumthing like it occurred in the palmy daze ov Noah, when the best plan
for civilizashun, that could be thought ov, waz tew wipe out the whole
race ov human beings and make sum more.
This iz mi plan, for noble red men, on the frontier, wipe them out, but
here i pauze, i say, dont make enny more.
Try sum other breed ov human kritter.
Mi opinyun, mi dear sir, about the missionary bizzness, haz alwus bin,
that it iz a profitable bizzness, well followed, but thare iz several
good ways tew do it, and several good men tew invest in the undertaking.
Sum are kalkulated tew make the good better, sum are kalkulated tew make
the better almost perfekt, but thare aint but phew, ov the right bore,
kalkulated tew work in the vineyard ov the wild border savage, and
thoze, are theze, whoze piety konsists, in shooting at a mark, and
hitting the bull’s eye every time.
I say once more, mi friend, stick to the omnibust hoss, and let thoze
missionarys, on the borders, the skalps ov whoze wifes, and children,
are now hung up az trophys in the wigwams ov the nobel red man, let them
civilize the injuns.
They will do it so that it will stay did.
I am the last man tew throw enny thing in the way ov yure gitting a good
job, espeshily in the missionary bizzness, but i kant reckomend enny
man, tew this partikular situashun, unless i kno he understands the use
ov a gain twist rifle, and kan civilize a Pawnee, every time, 440 yards,
with a cross wind.
THE CUNNING MAN.
Cunning iz often took for wisdum, but it iz the mere skum that rizes
when wisdum biles her pot, it hath not the stride ov wisdum, neither haz
it the honesty ov wisdum, it iz more like instinkt, than it iz like
reazon.
Cunning ain’t good at begetting, it iz better at executing, it iz like
the wisdum ov a kat, fust rate tew watch a rat hole.
The cunning man haz two virtues alwus prominent, patience, and energy,
without these he would fall below the kat, and fail tew git hiz mouse.
Thare iz lots ov cunning men who are like an unskillful trapper, who
knows how tew set a trap, but hain’t got the wisdum tew bait it.
Cunning men alwus hav a speciality, such az it iz, i hav seen them who
could ride a mule tew a spot, but who set a hoss awkwardly.
Thare iz this average between a cunning man and a wise man, the cunning
man’s wisdum iz alwus on the outside ov hiz face, he kant hide it, it iz
alwus squirting out ov the corner ov his eyes, while the wize man carrys
hiz grist deep, stowed away in hiz heart, and don’t use hiz wisdum tew
find ockasions, but tew master them, when they pop up.
Cunning men have grate caution, bekauze they serpoze themselfs watched,
inasmutch az they are alwus watching others.
They hav but few brains, but what they hav, are petroleum, and their
brains being few, and greasy, enables them tew fetch them tew a focus
sudden.
It iz hard work to be very cunning and very honest, at the same time, i
reckon this, bekauze i dont see the two hugging and kissing each other
very much.
Cunning haz a skandalous pedigree, he iz the babe ov wisdum, and Fraud,
and iz the only child they ever had, but looks and ackts just like his
ma.
It would take a big book tew make an almanack ov a cunning man, and the
changes in him, fits, starts, and doubles, and hiz windings, hiz in’s
and hiz outs, the parables in which he talks, and the double entenders
ov hiz face, awl that he duz, and awl that he thinks, are for effekt.
Cunning men’s advice iz hard tew follow, bekause their wisdum iz made
like a bed quilt, out ov patches, and iz also composed ov shifts, for
the emergincy ov an ockasion, tew mutch for a stiddy diet.
If you don’t understand wiggling yourself, or the rudiments ov it, yu
must not git yure advice from the cunning man.
Cunning haz alwus passed for wisdum, and will continue on to do so, az
long az phools last, and phools will last az long az enny boddy else
duz, and sustane their reputashun.
Cunning iz alwus selfish, bekauze it iz not ov mutch breadth, while
wisdum can afford tew be magnanimous, and hav sumthing left over.
But the ways and dodges ov cunning are past finding out, yu might az
well undertake tew track a snake in the grass, when the dew iz off, or a
fox, in a straight line tew hiz hole.
Cunning men are not very dangerous, they hav so mutch vanity, and their
vanity satisfied their ambition iz, and when vanity takes the place ov
ambishun, we are more amuzed than alarmed.
Cunning men, in the hands ov wize men, are useful, more useful, quite
often, than honesty, bekauze they are more sudden, and less sempelous.
It is safer tew entrust a sekret tew a cunning man, than a clever man,
the clever man is sure tew spill it, the cunning one may use it aginst
yu, but he iz eazier tew watch, and control, than the good natured
fellow, who, like a young pup, lays down, rools over, and wags himself
in front ov evry man he meets.
Cunning men hav manny associates, but few intimates, they sumtimes hunt
in couples, but are apt tew fight, when they cum to divide the plunder.
_The Deceitful Cuss._--An open enemy, a hearty hater, a bold
dead-beater, an imperious friend, a phoolish chum, a reckless companyun,
anything in shape ov human, or ov brute, and even aul things devlish,
are mince pies with raizins in them, compared tew a slipping, sneaking
_Deceit_, who, under the guize and garments ov being in love with you,
chaws tobbaker out ov yure box, and lies tew yu evry time he tells yu
the truth.
Theze human polecats are thick in this world, their eyes are like the
kats, made tew see in the dark, they hav the face ov a sheep, and the
heart ov a snaik, they kan kry at an impromptu christening, they are az
full ov cunning az a she opposum, and would rather fail in an enterprise
than to do it honestly.
These critters, az awkward as it may seem, are full ov vanity and
ambishun, and their vanity and ambishun iz tew play lion under a sheep’s
skin.
It iz a strange ambishun that a man will cultivate wisdum only for the
sake ov being cunning, that he will perfect himself in the art and
imagery of love and friendship for the sake ov counterfitting them, that
he will studdy pitty for gain, that he will work hard for the devil at 2
shillings a day, and finally, that he will practiss the rudiments ov awl
the virtews ov soshul life, simply for the sake ov doing with a good
grace what iz shameful and wicked to do at all.
I hav known men ov this brand, who where not wholly malishus, who would
aktually dew yu a good turn to-morrow if they could cheat yu to-day, who
deceive not entirely for gain, but tew keep their tools whet, who hav
sum excellent traits, which sumtimes drop out seemingly by mistake.
But a natral crook toward deception iz like the bight ov a mad dogg, it
may sleep for a long time in the veins ov its viktim, very well behaved
pizen, watching for a good time, but sooner or later, when least
expekted, the virus begins tew play dorg by asserting its dredful
prerogative.
It don’t cure theze vermin tew ketch them, if they waz rats, which we
could drown in the trap, it would be bully, but letting them go only
makes them the more cunning.
Deception iz one ov the sciences, it haz its deakons, elders and hod
carriers, the world swarms with them, all ov the pimps among them, such
az the wodden nutmeg makers, and the small beer-cheats, we kan punish
enuff by dispising, but what reward, short ov the gibbet, or at least
the whipping post, iz equal tew the villainous cuss who creeps on hiz
body into yure confidense, a subdued and shivering snake, and warms up
into a viper.
Ingratitude iz one ov them diabolikal crimes that awl men hate, but
leave the punishment to heaven.
The _Domestik Man_ iz ov a maskuline and feminine tendency--half and
half--and sumtimes more so.
He kan most generally be found at home--when he aint wanted.
He iz a kind ov second lutennant in hiz family, under haff pay, with
promiss of promoshun.
He kan beat hiz wife bileing soap, or nussing the baby, and she kan beat
him, in the 4th ward, running for perlice constabel.
He iz alwus reddy tew do ennything--when hiz wife iz.
He iz a kind ov spy in the household, and iz treated az such by the
whole family. The servants laff at him, and the children dont fear him.
He iz az fierce as an old hen setting on one egg, and just about az
dangerous.
Hiz wife marrid him, not out ov love, but out ov pitty; and pitty never
changes into respekt, but gennerally into disgust.
_The Generous Man._--Generosity iz an instinkt--a kind ov natral
crook--a weird child ov the heart.
It iz diffrent from profusion; profusion iz most alwus the decoy duck ov
vanity.
Generosity iz diffrent from charity; charity iz the impulse ov reason.
It iz diffrent from justiss--justiss iz 16 ounces tew the pound, and no
more.
Generosity iz sumthing more than justiss, and sumthing less than
profusion; it iz the good a man duz, without being able tew give enny
reazon for it.
If a man iz alwus genrous he will alwus be right, or will hav a good
excuse for what seems tew be wrong.
Generosity iz bravery, and it iz truth: no one ever saw a generous man
who waz a coward or a liar.
Generosity sumtimes may lack prudence, but it never lacks faith, and
faith haz won holier laurels than prudence ever did.
The generous man chastens hiz gifts with the assurance that the giver iz
az happy in the gift az the receiver iz.
He takes the fust swaller out ov the dipper, and smacking hiz lips,
insists upon your drinking the balance awl up.
Poverty haz no power over generosity enny more than it haz over love.
This iz my idee ov the kind ov generosity that I am writing about.
FREQUENT KRITTERS.
THE LOAFER.
The loafer iz a human being who iz willing tew be dispized just for the
privilege ov abuzing others.
He occupys all grades in sosiety, from the judge on the bench klean doun
to the ragged thing in britches who leans aginst a lamp-post and fites
flys in August.
[Illustration: FREQUENT KRITTERS.]
He haz hiz circle ov friends, whare hiz koarse jests are re-echoed, and
whare to be in hiz konfidence iz konsidered an honor.
He iz not alwus destitute ov kommon sense, and quite often iz the author
ov jests which pass upon the unwary for humor and even wit.
He haz no pride that is worthy, and haz no delikasy that enny boddy kan
hurt.
During hiz boyhood he kills kats and sells their hides to the hatters,
and robs all the hens’ nests and arly apple trees in the naborhood.
During hiz middle life he begs all the tobacco he uses, and drinks all
the cheap whisky he kan at sumboddy else’s expense.
During hiz old age he winters in the alms-houses, and summers in the
sugar hogsheds, and when he comes tew die he iz buried in a dich, like
an omnibus hoss, with hiz old shoes on.
This iz a trew ackount ov the life and adventures ov the ordinary
loafer, and yet there are thousands ov human kritters coming onto the
platform ov life every six months whoze only ambishun iz to be
successful loafers.
The loafer kares nothing for publik opinyun, and this alone, will make
any man a loafer.
The loafer rather covets disgrace ov all kinds, and when a man gits az
low down az this, he haz got az low down az he kan git without digging.
THE PROJEKTOR.
The projektor iz a man with one idee, and that idee iz often like a
paving stun, the hardest kind ov a thing tew hatch out, and when it iz
hatched out, yu kan’t alwus tell what kind ov a breed the thing iz.
He haz been bizzy at work for the last 4 thousand years trieing tew bild
perpetual moshun, and haz cum within 3 quarters ov an inch ov it sevral
times, but alwus slips up jist az he reaches out tew grab it.
He haz dun sum dredful good things for mankind, but too often iz ov no
more use in the world, than an extra pump iz.
The projektor iz alwus a man ov genius, but hiz genius iz frequently
like the genius ov a goose, thare ain’t no one kan beat them at standing
on one legg.
I hav known theze breed ov pholks tew drag out a long life, richer in
their own estimashun than Crœsus, and poorer in the opinyun ov others
than Lazarus.
They seldum reap enny gain from their invenshuns, and if ever they do
diskover perpetual moshun, they will sell the principle tew sum kunning
kuss, for 17 or 18 dollars, and starve tew death on the glory ov it.
I hav known several ov these poor phellows in mi life, and only knew
them tew pitty them, for they are az tender, all over, az spring lam,
and az eazy tew cheat az a blind baby.
I hav a friend who iz a projektor. I kant tell what partikular pholly he
iz at work at now, but sum one I am sure, for thare aint on the whole
arth, a more bizzy kritter than the man, who iz sure that to-morrow will
put the finishing touches tew hiz pattent rite plan, for threading the
rong end ov a kambrik needle, or his resipee for making soft sope out ov
calfs liver.
But we kant spare the projektors, all that we can hope for iz, that too
menny ov them wont spend a whole life in making a juse harp that will
play Yankee doodle backwards, and finally die, and leave the tune haff
finished.
THE KONDEM PHOOL.
Thare iz two kinds ov phools, at the date ov this article, laying around
loose in the world, one iz the _natral_, and the other iz the _kondem_.
Thare iz sum other kind ov phools besides these, which I shall tutch
lightly before I git thru.
The natral phool kant help it, he iz born like the daizy, bi the side ov
the road, just to nod, and to be sport for the winds.
He haz no destiny to phill, that we know ov, but hiz Heavenly Father
will care for him, for He cares for the koarse weed and the rank
thissell.
The kondem phool iz a self-made man, and iz entitled tew all the credit
ov the job.
Natur turns him out loose into the world, jist as she duz her other
works, with all hiz fakultys in good order, but like a ram in a bak lot,
he undertaiks tew knok down a stun fence with hiz head, and finds the
stun fence too much for the ockashun.
He often haz a hed phull ov branes, but like a swarm ov beeze, they keep
up sich a buzzing they bewilder him.
The kondem phool generally lacks but one thing tew make him all the the
suckcess he could ask for, and that one thing iz common sense.
Common sense iz all greek tew these kind ov phellows, they kan often
rite poetry that reads az smooth and sweet az ile and molassis mixt
together, and kan even deliver lekturs all around the kuntry, but one
dose ov common sense would take all the starch out ov them, and leave
them az limpsey az the nek ov a ded goslin.
The kondem phool iz the kauze ov most all trubble thare iz in this
world, he ain’t alwus malishus, but iz alwus a phool.
I divide the populashun ov the whole world into 2 heaps, and out ov
respect for the parable ov the virgins in the bible, i call 5 ov them
wize and 5 ov them foolish.
It is verry easy tew be a kondem phool, enny boddy kan be one, and not
suspekt it.
Thare iz a large invoice ov phools just now pressing upon the market,
but the market for them iz stiddy, the demand alwus being phull up tew
the supply.
I rekolekt ov onst saying, upon a memorabel ockashun, (i dont rekolek
the ockashun now,) God bless the phools, and don’t let them run out, for
if it want for them, the rest ov the world would be bothered tew git a
good living.
Among the list ov prominent phools, i take the liberty tew introduce the
following:
The “Profeshional Phool,” one who travels for a living.
The “Wag Phool,” one who is a phool on private ackount.
The “Bizzness Phool,” one who either Bulls or Bears everything in the
market.
The “Radikal Phool,” one who kant help it.
The “Conservatiff Phool,” one who kan help it, but wont.
The “Meek Phool,” one who sez he prefers kodphish bawls to porterhous
stakes, or even quales on toast.
The “Hipreshure Phool,” one who, like the hornet, alwus keeps mad in
advance, so az tew be reddy for the ockashun.
The “Silly Phool,” one who thinks the whole civilized world iz in luv
with him.
The “Wise Phool,” one who thinks he knoze all things, and luvs
everyboddy.
And four thousand, 3 hundred and 36 other distinkt kinds ov phools,
which i haint got the pashunce tew elucidate now.
THE PRECISE MAN.
The “Precise Man,” sumtimes parts hiz hare in the middle, And when he
duz, he kounts the hairs on each side ov hiz hed, and splits sum, if it
iz necessary, tew make the thing ded even.
If he iz a marrid man, everything must be jist so--if he iz a bachelor
it must be more so.
He alwus sets a hen on 12 eggs, and haz a grate horror for all odd
numbers.
He gits up at jist sitch a time in the morning, and goes tew bed at jist
sitch a time at night, and would as soon think ov taking a dose ov
striknine for the hikcups az tew kut oph a dogs tale when the moon waz
in the laste quarter.
The precise man haz but phew branes, and they are az well broke az a
setter dog’s, for he seldum makes a false point.
He iz a bundle of fakts and figgers, and iz az handy in the naberhood az
a pair ov platform skales or a reddy rekoner.
He iz invariably an honest man, but often az mutch from pride az from
principle.
He luvs hiz children, if he haz any, and would rather hav them perfekt
in the multiplikashun table than in the Illiad ov Homer.
Hiz wife iz soon broke tew akt and think az he duz, and she iz known fur
and near for the excellence ov her softe sope.
The laste thing he alwus duz Saturday night iz tew grease hiz boots, and
the fust thing Sunday morning iz tew wind up the old wodden klok in the
kitchen.
He iz generally respekted during life, and after he iz ded and gone hiz
children keep his fame fresh by pointing out with pride the korner whare
his kane alwus stood and peg whare his hat alwus hung.
INDIVIDUAL FOLKS.
THE OBTUSE MAN.
The obtuse man iz sawed off square at both ends, and iron bound like a
beetle.
He finds out the hard spot in things by running aginst them, and like
the merino ram, shuts up both eyes when he butts.
It iz az hard tew git an idee into him az it iz tew git a wedge into a
pepperidge log.
He alwus sez “_Yes_” to what he don’t understand, and iz az hard tew
argy out ov a conceit az a dog iz out ov a bone.
He often sets himself up for a wise man, and sumtimes a wit, but i never
knu one tew think he waz a bore.
He goes thru life hed fust, and when he cums tew die he iz az well
seasoned az a foot-ball.
If he waz a going tew liv hiz life over again, he tells yu, he wouldn’t
alter it, only he would eat more raw onions and be a hard-shell baptist.
Every man remembers him az a man too stubborn tew be very viscious, with
a few ideas, sum ov which he inherited, but most ov which he got by
sleeping with hiz mouth wide open.
THE POSATIFF MAN.
The posatiff man bets hiz last dollar on a kard and looses, and then
tells yu he knew he shouldn’t win.
He alwus knows what will happen 3 weeks from now, and if it don’t happen
he knew that too.
If he falls down on the ice and breaks hiz leg it want an accident, it
waz sumthing that couldn’t help but happen.
He iz az certain ov everything az a mule iz anxious tew hit what he
kicks at.
Yu kant tell him ennything new, nor ennything old, he iz more certain ov
things than Webster’s unabridged dickshionary.
The less certain yu are the more posatiff he iz.
He never made but one blunder in hiz life and that turned out at last
tew be a good hit.
The posatiff man haz too little cunning tew be very malishus, he iz
generally happy, bekauze he iz posatiff ov it, and tho he gits things
wrong oftner than he duz right, people are pleazed at hiz blunders
bekauze he iz so much in earnest.
THE CROSS MAN.
The cross man goes thru life like a sore-headed dog, followed by flies.
He iz az sour az a pot-bellyed pickle, and like a skein of silk, iz
alwus reddy for a snarl.
He iz like an old hornet, mad all the way through, but about what, he
kan’t tell, tew save hiz life.
Everyboddy at home fears him, and everyboddy in the street dispizes him.
He mistakes sullenness for bravery, and bekauze he feels savage,
everyboddy else must feel humble.
Thare iz no grater coward in the world than the cross man, nor none
eazyer tew kure.
He iz eazyer tew kure than the stummuk ake, for one good knok down will
do so.
THE PASHUNT MAN.
The pashunt man never sez “_dam it_,” however much he may think so.
He iz so well-ballanced that it takes at least fifty pounds ov musketeze
tew turn hiz skales.
He kan’t tell yu what makes him so pashunt if yu ask him; it may be
nothing but numbness after all.
Pashunce iz like enny other virtew, its value konsists in its power tew
resist temptashun.
It ain’t but little trubble for a graven image tew be pashunt, not even
in fly time.
Real pashunce stands amung the virtews, like genius amung the gifts; in
fakt, pashunce, iz the genius ov virtew.
The best thing i kno ov, tew try a man’s pashunce on, iz a kicking
heifer, if he finds himself praying for the heifer every time she kicks,
he haz got pashunce on the heart, and brain both.
THE FUNNY MAN.
The funny man kan’t open hiz mouth without letting a joke fly out, like
ginger pop, when the kork iz pulled out.
Thare iz no genuine wit in the simply funny man, hiz only desire iz tew
make yu laff, and real wit don’t stoop so low.
The funny man’s jokes are at best only jests, sumtimes he reaches tew
the dignity ov a poor pun, and hiz vanity then absorbs all hiz humor.
It iz an awful thing tew be a funny man, it iz almost az dredful az the
counterfiting bizzness.
Thare iz no stattue aginst joking, but thare ought tew be, not that I
think a good joke iz criminal, but they are so scarce, they are
suspicious. I am the last man who wants tew see enny real wit leave this
world, for i think genuine wit, iz az good az religion.
THE HONEST MAN.
Honest men are skarse, and are a going tew be skarser.
Thare grate scarsity iz what makes them valuable.
If every boddy waz honest, the supply would ruin the demand.
Honesty iz like money, a man haz tew work hard tew git it, and then work
harder tew keep it.
Adam waz the fust honest man we hav enny ackount ov, and hiz honesty
want ov mutch ackount.
You couldn’t put yure finger on Adam, for in the garden ov Eden, when he
waz wanted, he couldn’t be found.
Old deakon Skinner, ov lower Pordunk village, waz an honest man, he
wouldn’t hunt for hen’s eggs on sunday, but he waz an awful cluss man,
he set a hen once, on three eggs, just tew save eggs.
PECULIAR ONES.
THE SQUARE MAN.
The square man meazzures the same each way, and haint got no wainny
edges, nor shaky lumber in him.
He is free from knots and sap, and won’t warp.
He iz klear stuff, and I don’t kare what yu work him up into, he won’t
swell, and he won’t shrink.
[Illustration: PECULIAR ONES.]
He is amungst men what good kil-dried boards are amung carpenters, he
won’t season-krack.
It don’t make enny difference which side ov him yu cum up to, he iz the
same biggness each way, and the only way tew git at him, enny how, is
tew face him.
He knows he iz square, and never spends enny time trieing tew prove it.
The square man iz one ov the best-shaped men the world haz ever
produced, he iz one of them kind ov chunks that yu kant alter tew fit a
spot, but yu must alter the spot tew fit him.
THE OBLONG MAN.
The oblong man alwus meazzures more one way than he duz the tuther, and
yu have got tew meazzure him every time yu want tew use him.
The shortest way ov him to-day may be the longest way to-morrow.
He ain’t alwus a bad man by enny means, he iz often only unfortunate,
and he haz been heard frequently tew say, that he iz sorry that he waz
bilt so.
Sum ov the smartest men in kreashun are oblong, and will fit most enny
kind ov a spot with a very little altering.
THE PERPINDIKLAR MAN.
The perpindiklar man iz half-brother tew the square man, and iz az
uprite az a lamp-post.
He iz a dredful good kind ov a man tew hav laying around loose, and he
haint got but one fault, or rather misfortin, and that iz, he is so
stiff he kant dodge good.
I don’t like tew see a man dodge everything, but thare are things in
this world that are cheaper tew dodge than tew buk aginst.
I like the up and down, perpendiklar man, yu kan alwus git at the solid
kontents ov him, by just multiplying him by himself.
THE LIMBER MAN.
The limber man iz a kind ov injun rubber specimint ov humanity, who kant
tell himself how fur he kan stretch without breaking.
He iz reddy tew stretch, or be stretched, and tho he flies bak sumtimes
tew the old spot, he quite az often snaps off in such a bad place that
he kant be mended agin.
Limber men aint alwus malishus, but they are az hard to manage az a
greased pig, take a holt ov them whare yu will, yu find them pizon
slippery.
Limber men are rather wuss than wicked ones, for they kant even tell
themselfs what they are going tew do next.
When a limber man douz git tew going wrong, he iz like a blind mule,
when he gits tew kicking, yu aint safe nowhare.
Limber men dont alwus lak kapacity, it would perhaps be better if they
did, for a still phool iz one ov the safest people we hav.
THE JOLLY MAN.
Jolly men are most alwus good men.
It iz dredful eazy tew mistake spasmodik hilarity for good natur.
I have seen men who were called jolly good fellows who were az
treacherous in their joy az a kat iz.
Yu will alwus notiss one thing, when a kat purrs the most, she haz just
thought ov sum new kind ov deviltry.
I kno ov no vice in genuine jollity.
When a man iz jolly all over, he iz too happy and kareless tew be
vicious.
I hav seen people who could laff long and loud, but thare was no more
good nature in it than thare iz grief in a hyena when they imitate the
wail of an infant.
’Tis true we kant alwuss tell about theze things, but if we watch a man
all summer, and hang around him all winter, when spring cums agin we
ought tew be able tew guess whether the laff that iz in him iz the aroma
ov hiz good natur, or iz only the aroma ov the hikkups.
THE PEWTER MAN.
The pewter man takes hiz name from the old-fashioned pewter spoon, made
out ov cheap material, impossible tew keep bright long, eazy tew take
impreshuns from almost enny thing, and no more ring tew it than thare iz
tew a bogus haff dollar.
Puter men are mighty common here on earth, not only kommon bekauze they
are plenty, but kommon bekauze they don’t amount tew mutch.
They ain’t exactly phools; if they was, we could deskribe them better.
They are like bass wood punkin seeds, and white oak whetstuns, in a
well-stocked kuntry store, kind ov necessary, tew keep up the
assortment.
They never do enny thing verry good or verry bad, and go thru life a
good deal az a boy goes tew distrikt skool, in green-apple time, jist
bekauze he haz got to.
THE FITEING MAN.
The fiteing man iz a kind ov human bull tarrier, with a jaw on him like
a wolf trap that haz just been sprung.
He haz a low, sour forehead, a beefy neck, a small eye, and an ugly pug
noze.
Hiz intelligence konsists in knowing how tew maul another human being,
able tew take it in return, and not kno it.
All hiz ideas ov honor are governed bi the code which calls it
dishonorable to puntch a man belo the belt.
Hiz grate ambishun in life iz tew win a phew bloody fights, and then end
hiz daze az the proprietor ov a gin mill, with hiz name and infamy hung
up in gilt letters over hiz bar.
He iz a rank koward bi natur, and never fought a battle yet in which he
did not expekt hiz low cunning would enable him tew outwit hiz
adversary.
THE PRECISE MAN.
The precise man weighs just 16 ounces tew the pounds, and meazzures just
36 inches tew the yard.
He iz more partiklar about being _just so_, then he iz about being
right.
Hiz blunders, if he ever makes enny, are all kronik, and kant be kured.
He iz most alwus what we kall a virtewous man at heart, but thare iz no
logik kan make him alter hiz mind.
He iz az exact in hiz way az a kompass.
He knows the year, the month, the day ov the week, and sumtimes the very
hour that enny important event took place.
He kan tell yu the exact age ov every old maid in the naborhood, and kan
rekollekt distinkly ov hearing hiz grate-grandfather tell what sort ov a
kloud it waz that the lightning cum out ov that struck the steeple ov
the Presbeterian church, and knoked the weathercock on it into the shape
ov a cocked hat.
The precise man iz a mere bundle ov fakts, figures, and trifling
incidents, which are ov the utmost importance tew him, but not ov mutch
use tew ennyboddy else.
He iz just about az mutch consequentz whare he livs az a last year’s
Farmers’ Allminax.
He is az _set_ in hiz ways az an old goose trieing tew hatch out a glass
egg.
COQUETT AND PRUDE.
Menny essays hav bin writ on the natur ov woman, setting forth her
aspirashuns, her genius, her impulses, the delikate mechanicks ov her
pashuns, the aroma ov her heart, the soft leading strings ov her
dispisishun, the cast iron fortitude ov her resolves, and the lurid
glare ov her love and her hate.
I hav read menny ov these, only tew be more solid in mi long cultivated
opinyun, that woman and her character in the lump, iz like the ranebo in
the East, butiful beyond language, full ov promis and impossible tew
paint.
In mi philosophy, rude and untutored, i call woman the lesser light, the
moon, gentle as an angel, stealing softly along the buzzum ov the skey
on an errand ov love, light for the hour ov darkness, pashunt watcher
while the world sleeps, queen ov the night, jeweled with stars.
I compare woman to a vine full ov tendrils, which can’t reach perfection
without a pole to climb, and then often mounting far above the pole.
Man i call the sun, filling the earth with phrenzy, woman the moon, that
chastens the twilight, and steals through the lattice to play on the
hearth-stone.
Each one haz their sphear, and the loss ov either would be the blotting
out ov the sun, or the moon.
Each one haz their appointment, which should not be changed.
When the moon gits between the earth and the sun, then we alwus have an
eclipse. I beleave that a kind Providence, the arktekt ov men, monkeys
and things, haz given me and mi wife two paths to travell, side by side,
and both ending at the same goal.
Sum think that the lives ov the sexes are a mere competition, that what
one iz both may be, i shall beleave this when the roze bush bears
butternuts and the thistle sheds perfume.
Amung charakteristicks so butiful, it would be strange if we shouldn’t
find a variety, sum even that are unlovely, for perfeckshun don’t
inhabit this world, not even in the disguize ov a woman.
Thare is two patches in the paradise ov the female garden, that is
devoted to the culture of two funny, and very contrary vegatables, one
is lokated in the south east corner of the heart, and the other at the
northern, or frigid end.
[Illustration: COQUETT AND PRUDE.]
The southern crop is coquetry, and the northern one is prudery.
Sumtimes these patches are cultivated more assidiously, to the neglekt
ov awl the rest, and form the staple crop of the heart.
Coquetry is the cussidness ov an artful pashun, that feels its oats just
enuff to want to kick up all the time, and don’t seem to care who gits
hurt.
It lays in wait, in its butiful wrought net, like a spider for its
viktim, and seems to take more fun in ketching a fly, than in keeping
him.
A coquett is a good deal like a rare bush, in the springtime of life it
is full of flowers, and in the fall, full of thorns.
Thare are sum blossoms that are fore-runners of fruit, but the fragrant
glory of a coquett is not of this breed.
This pashun iz like avarice, it eats up all the other good ones, and
spends its old age, racked with the horrors of an ill digestion.
Coquetts are generally long lived, faded emblems of viktorys without
honour, mournful az a cypruss, chanting their own dirges.
Prudery iz nothing more than the tropikal fruits of the hearts gardens
raized at the north end ov it, prudes, and coquets, are the extremes of
the same pashuns, and the philosophers tell us, that “extremes meet.” A
prude skorns tew make a conquest, not upon principle, but bekause she
kant, she hates a man with her love.
A prude iz nothing more than an ill looking coquet, give the prude buty,
and yer have got a coquet, and the bitterest prudes the world ever saw,
are the old, and battle worn coquets, who are too decrepid to take the
field.
Coquets, and prudes, ought tew be compelled to hunt in couples, so that
when the coquet haz wounded the game, the prude kan nuss the dieing
viktim.
But prudes and coquetts never agree; two ov a trade seldom do. Both ov
these pashuns are disgusting, and the old age ov both iz bitterness.
Prudery iz the remorse ov cunning that haz been foiled; and coquettry
seems to be the abandon ov art and buty.
Prudes owe mutch ov their success to their inability to find enny
temptashuns, and coquetts are made more viscious by flatterys.
But a true woman dont cultivate neither ov these patches in her heart;
the ever elegant perceptions ov her instincts teaches her not to take up
the sword ov the coquett, nor the remorseless pruning-hook of the prude.
It seems to me, the more that I gaze at it, that a prude iz nothing more
than a coquett gone to seed.
I would rather be a coquett than a prude; thare iz some fun in it--thare
is viktory in it; while prudery, at best, iz only a defeat in an
inglorious cauze.
Coquetts sumtimes git marrid, but they are az hard to tame az a
patridge, and aint worth enny more after they are tamed, besides being a
heap more jealous than a mother-in-law to their daughters; while a
prude, for a wife, iz but the bluest kind ov a school-marm at home on a
furlough.
In conclusion, I would say, in all kindness, to the coquetts, that they
seldom hav but one fust-class man in their nets; all that they bag
afterward are of the same breed az themselves; and to the prudes I would
suggest that wimmin are growing more plenty every year, and that thare
are but few ov them, who insist upon it, that will pay the wear and tear
ov a humiliating and laborious siege.
FOLKS WE ALL KNO.
THE EFFEMINATE MAN.
The effeminate man is a weak poultiss.
He is a kross between root beer and ginger pop with the cork left out ov
the bottle over night.
He is a fresh water mermaid lost in a cow pastur, with his hands filled
with dandylions.
He is a tea-kup full of whipped sillybub--a kitten in pantylets--a sick
monkey with a blonde mustash.
He is a vine without enny tendrills--a fly drowned in sweet ile--a paper
kite in a ded calm.
He lives as the butterflise do--noboddy kan tell whi. He is as harmless
as a cent’s wuth ov spruce gum, and as useless as a shirt button without
enny button-hole.
He is as lazy as a bread-pill, and has no more hope than a last year’s
grasshopper.
He is a man without enny gaul, and a woman without enny gissard.
He goes thru life on his tiptose, and dies like colone water spilt on
the ground.
THE JEALOUS MAN.
The _Jealous Man_ iz alwus a-hunting.
He is alwus a-hunting for sumthing that he don’t expeckt tew find, and
after he haz found it then he iz mad bekauze he haz.
Theze fellers don’t beleaf in spooks, and yet they are about the only
folks who ever see enny. A jealous man iz alwus happy, jist in perposhun
az he iz mizerable.
Jelosy iz a disseaze, and it iz a good deal like sea sickness--dreadful
sick and kan’t vomit.
THE ANONYMOUS MAN.
The _Anonymous Man_ boards at a red tavern, and pays for hiz board bi
tending bar occasionly. He hain’t got any more karakter than the jack ov
spades haz, when it ain’t trumps.
He iz a loafer bi profession, without enny vices.
He rides on the box, once in a while, with the driver, and noboddy
thinks ov asking him for hiz stage fare.
He iz az useless az an extra pump would be in the desert ov Sarah.
He sprung from a respektable family; his great grandfather woz a justiss
ov the peace; but he has not got vanity enuff tew brag on it.
He ain’t necessarily a phool, enny more than a bull’s eye watch iz; if
enny boddy will wind him up, he will sett still, and run quietly down.
THE STIFF MAN.
The _Stiff Man_ looks down, when he walks, upon folks. He don’t seem tew
hav but one limber jinte in him, and that iz lokated in hiz noze.
He is a kind of maskuline turkey, on parade in a barn-yard.
He iz generally loaded with wisdum clear up tew the muzzell, and when he
goes oph, makes a noize like a cannon, but don’t dew enny dammage.
I hav seen him fire into a crowd, and miss evry man.
This kind ov _stiff man_ iz verry handy tew flatter. They seem tew know
they ain’t entitled tu a good artikle, and, tharefore, are satisfied
with hard soap.
Thare ain’t but fu men who git stiff on what they acktually know, but
most aul ov them git stiff on what they acktually feel.
Stiff men are called aristokrats, but this ain’t so. Thare ain’t no such
thing as aristokrats in this country.
The country ain’t long enuff yet, unless a man haz got sum Indian in
him.
Az a gen’ral thing, stiff men git mad dredful eazy, and have tew git
over it dredful eazy, bekauze folks ain’t apt tew git a big skare at
what they ain’t afraid ov.
_Stiff man_ had a grandfather once, who went tew Congress from our
distrikt, and thare ain’t one in the whole family that hav been able tew
git limber sinse.
THE MODEL MAN.
The _Model Man_ never disturbs a hen when she iz setting; never speaks
cross tew a lost dogg; always puts a five cent shinplaster in hiz vest
pockett late Saturday night, tew hav it ready Sunday morning for the
church platter; rizes whenever a lady enters the street kars; remembers
your uncle plainly, and asks after all the family. If he steps on a
kat’s tail, is sure to do it light, and immegiately asks her pardon;
reads the PHUNNY PHELLOW, and laffs bekause he kan’t help it; hooks up
hiz wife’s dress, and plays hoss with the children. Never meddles with
the cream on the milk pans; goes eazily of errands and cums back in
seazon; attends everyboddy’s phuneral; kan always tell when the moon
changes; thinks just az yu do, or the other way if you want him to;
follows evry boddy’s advice but hiz own; praktices most ov the virtews
without knowing it; leads the life ov a shorn lamb; gits sick after a
while, and dies az soon az he kan, tew save making enny further trubble.
The model man’s vices are not feared, nor hiz virtews respekted. He
lives in the memory of the world just about az long az a pleasant day
duz.
He may be called a “clever feller,” and that iz only a libel; but he
will git hiz reward hereafter--when the birds get theirs.
THE NEAT PERSON.
Neatness, in my opinyun iz one ov the virtews, I hav alwus konsidered it
twin sister to chastity. But while I almost worship neatness in folks, i
hav seen them who did understand the bizzness so well az tew acktually
make it fearful tew behold. I hav seen neatness that want satisfied in
being a common-sized virtew, but had bekum an ungovernable pashun,
enslaving its possesser, and making everyboddy uneazy who kum in
kontackt with it.
When a person finds it necessary to skour the nail heds in the cellar
stairs evry day, and skrub oph the ducks’ feet in hot water, it iz then
that neatness haz bekum the tyrant of its viktim.
I hav seen individuals who wouldn’t let a tired fly light on the wall
paper ov their spare room enny quicker than they would let a dog mix up
the bread for them, and who would hunt a single cockroach up stairs and
down until his leggs were wore oph clear up to his stummuk but what they
would hav him. I kan’t blame them for being a little lively with the
cockroach, for i don’t like cockroaches miself--espeshily in mi soup.
Thare iz no persons in the world who work so hard and so eternally az
the vicktims ov extatick neatness; but they don’t seem tew do mutch
after all, for they don’t get a thing fairly cleaned to their mind
before the other end ov it gits dirty, and they fall tew scrubbing it
awl over agin.
If you should shut one ov these people up in a hogshead, they would keep
bizzy scouring all the time, and would clean a hole right thru the side
ov the hogshed in less than 3 months.
They will keep a whole house dirty the year round cleaning it, and the
only peace the family can hav iz when mother iz either bileing soap or
making dip kandles.
[Illustration: THE NEAT PERSON.]
They rize before daylight, so az to begin scrubbing early, and go tew
bed before dark for fear things will begin tew git dirty. These kind ov
excessiv neat folks are not alwus very literary, but they know soft
water from hard bi looking at it, and they kan tell what kind ov soap
will fetch oph the dirt best. They are sum like a kitchin gardin--very
regularly laid out, but not planted yet.
If mi wife waz one ov these kind ov neatnesses I would love her more
than ever, for i do luv awl the different kinds ov neatness; but i think
we would keep house by travelling round awl the time, and not stay but
one night in a place, and i don’t think she would undertake tew skrub up
the whole ov the United States ov Amerika.
OUR OLDEST INHABITANTS--TWO OF THEM.
JOHN BASCOMB.
John Bascomb iz now living in Coon Hollow, Raccoon county, State ov
Iowa.
He iz 196 years old, and kan read fine print by moonlite 33 feet oph.
He remembers Gen. Washington fust rate, and once lent him 10 dollars teu
buy a pair ov kaff skin boots with.
He fit in the revolushun, also in the war ov 1812, likewize in the late
melee, and sez he won’t take sass now from enny man living.
He iz a hard shell baptiss by religion, and sez he will die for hiz
religion.
He waz konverted 150 years ago, and thinks the hard-shell iz the tuffist
religion thare iz for every day wear. He sez that one hard shell baptiss
ken do more hard work on the same vittles during a hot day than 15
episkopalites.
He haz alwus used plug tobbako from a child, and sez he lernt how teu
cheu bi watching a cow cheu her cud.
He haz never drunk enny intoxicating licker but whiskey, and sez that no
other licker is helthy. He thinks 3 horns a day iz enuff for helth.
He haz alwus voted the dimokratik ticket for the last 170 years, and
walked, last fall, in sloppy weather, 18 miles to vote for Jim Buchanan.
He haint never seen a rale-road yet, nor a wimmin’s rite convenshun.
His gratest desire, he tells me, iz teu see Gen. Jackson, and sez that
he shall go next year down teu Tennesee teu see him.
[Illustration: JOHN BASCOMB.]
He fatted a hog last year, with hiz own hands, that weighed 636 pounds
after it waz drest and well dried out. He iz very cheerful, and sez he
won 7 dollars on the weight ov this hog, out ov one ov the deakons ov
the hard-shell church. He deklares this teu be one ov the proudest
acksidents ov hiz life, for the deakon waz known far and near az a tite
kuss.
He tells me that for 90 years he haz went teu bed at just 17 minnits
after 9, and haz arozen at precisely 5 o’clock the next day.
The fust thing he duz in the morning iz teu take a short drink, about 2
inches, and then for an hour before brekfasst he reads the allmanax. (_I
will here state that it iz “Josh Billings’ Farmers’ Almanax” that he
reads._)
I asked him hiz opinyun ov gin and milk az a fertilizer. He pronounsed
it bogus, and sed that the good old hard-shell drink, _whiskey
unadorned_, waz the only speerits that never went bak on a man.
Hiz habits are simple. For brekfast he generally et four slices ov psalt
pork, 3 biled pertatoze, a couple ov sassagis, 5 hot bisskit, a dozen ov
hard biled eggs, 2 kups ov rhye coffe, a small plate ov slapjax, sum
phew pickles, and cold cabbage and vinegar, if thare waz enny left from
yesterday’s dinner.
Hiz dinner waz alwus a lite one, and he seldum et ennything but sum
biled mutton, sum korned beef, sum kold ham, and sum injun puddin tew
top oph with.
Hiz suppers were mere nothing, and konsisted simply ov kold psalt pork,
kold korned beef, kold biled mutton, and, once in a grate while, a phew
slices ov kold ham, with mustard and hoss reddish.
I examined hiz hed and found that he had all the usual bumps in a
remarkable state ov preservashun.
He haz a good ear for musik, and whisselled me Yankee Doodle, with
variashuns.
He waz born a shumaker, but hasn’t done ennything at the trade for the
last 125 years. He enjoys the best ov health, but just now he iz
teething, which he tells me iz hiz 7th sett.
He iz a firm beleaver in the Darwin theory, and sez he used teu hear hiz
grate-grandfather tell ov a race ov men sumwhare down on the coast ov
Florida, who had sum little ov the kaudle appendix still remaining.
On the subjekt ov marriage hiz hed seems teu be ded level. He sed “that
he had been married 15 times, and proposed again teu Hannah Campbell, a
lady in the naberhood, who waz 28 years old.”
I asked him what he thought his chances were for obtaining the lady’s
hand, and he sed “it lay between him and one Theodorus Whitney, a
travelling korn doctor,” and added “if Whitney didn’t look out he would
enlarge his head for him.”
Upon mi asking him what he attributed his immense life and vigor to, he
sed, in a klear and distinkt voice:
“To 3 small horns ov whiskey a day, beleaving in the hard shell
doktering, and voting unanimously the demokratik ticket.”
I thankt him very mutch for the informashun he had given me ov himself,
and asked him if he had enny objekshun to mi putting it into print, and
he manifested a great desire that i should do so, not forgetting teu
make special menshun ov what he had sed about enlarging Whitney’s hed
for him, for he thought that would klear him out ov the naberhood.
I left John Bascomb after a deliteful visit ov four hours, and thought
over teu miself, if thare waz enny two rules for long life that had been
thus far diskovered that waz alike.
The more i thought ov this, the more i wished i could cum akrost
Methuseler for a feu minnitts, and hear him tell how he managed.
ELIZIBETH MEACHEM.
Lib Meachem (az she iz familiarly called in the township whare she
resides) iz one ov the rarest gems ov extenuated mortality that has ever
been mi blessed luk teu enkounter.
She iz not so old az Bascomb bi about two years, being only about 194
years old. Next to Lot’s wife she iz the best preserved woman the world
kontains.
I reached her place ov residence early in the morning, and in one minnit
after i told her mi bizzness her tounge had a phull hed ov steam on, and
for 3 hours it run like a stream ov quicksilver down an inklined plain.
I asked her a thousand questions at least, but not one ov them did she
answer, but kept talking all the time faster than Pochahontas kan pace
down hill teu saddle.
Az near az i could find out she had lived 194 years simply bekauze she
couldn’t die without cutting short one ov her storys.
I asked her teu show me her tounge--I wanted to see if that member waz
badly worn; but she couldn’t stop it long enuff teu sho it.
This woman haz reached her ernomus age without enny partikular habit.
She haz outlived every boddy she haz kum akrost, so far, by out-talking
them.
The only subject that I could for a moment arrest the flood ov her
language with, waz the fashions; but this waz a subjekt upon whitch i
unfortunately wan’t mutch.
As a last hope ov drawing her out upon sum fakts az teu her mode ov
life, i tutched upon that all-absorbing topick teu both old and yung--i
refer now teu matrimony.
Her fust husband it seemed, waz a carpenter, and, teu use her own words,
“waz too lazy teu talk, or teu listen while she talked, and so he died.”
Her seckond husband waz a pretty good talker but a poor listener, and,
tharefore, he died.
Her third husband waz a deff and dum man, and, az she remarked, “either
he or she had got teu die, and the man died.”
Her fourth husband undertook teu out-talk her, and died early.
In this way she went on deskribing her husbands, 12 in all.
Az i roze teu depart i sed teu her sollemly:
“ELIZABETH MEACHEM, yu hav been mutch marrid, and mutch an inkosolate
widder--at what time ov life do yu think the marrid state ceazes teu be
preferable?”
She replied:
“Yu must ask sumboddy older than i am.”
{MISSELLANEOUS.}
GOOD REZOLUSHUNS FOR 1872, 1873 & 1874.
That i wont smoke enny more cigars, only at sum body else’s expense.
That i wont borry nor lend--espeshily lend.
That i will liv within mi inkum, if i hav tew git trusted tew do it.
That i will be polite tew evry boddy, except muskeeters and bed-bugs.
That i wont advise enny boddy, until i kno the kind ov advise they are
anxious tew follow.
That i wont wear enny more tite boots, if i hav tew go barefoot tew do
it.
That i wont eat enny more chicken soup with a one-tined fork.
That i wont swop dogs with no man, unless i kan swop two for one.
That i wont objekt tew enny man on ackount ov hiz color, unless he
happens tew be blue.
That i wont sware enny, unless i am put under oath.
That i wont beleave in total depravity, only in gin at 4 shillings a
gallon.
That poverty may be a blessing, but if it iz, it iz a blessing in
disguise.
That i will take mi whisky hereafter straight--straight tew the gutter.
That the world owes me a living--provided i earn it.
That i will stick tew mi taylor az long az he will stick tew me.
That i wont swop enny hosses with a deakon.
[Illustration]
That no man shall beat me in politeness, not so long az politeness
kontinues tew be az cheap az it iz now.
That i wont hav enny religious kreed miself, but will respekt every
boddy else’s.
That if lovely woman smaks me on one cheek, i will turn her the other
also.
That if a man kalls me a phool, i wont ask him to prove it.
That i will lead a moral life, even if i lose a good deal ov phun by it.
That if a man tells me a mule wont kik, i will beleave what he sez
without trieing it.
That if enny boddy loozes even a goose i will weep with him, for it iz a
tuff bizness tew looze a goose.
That if i ever do git a hen that kan lay 2 eggs a day, i shall insist
upon her keeping one ov the eggs on hand for a sinking phund.
That it iz no disgrace tew be bit bi a dog unless he duz it the seckond
time.
That it iz just az natral tew be born ritch az poor, but it iz seldum so
convenient.
That one ov the riskyest things tew straddle iz the bak ov a 60 day
note.
That the best time tew repent ov a blunder iz just before the blunder is
made.
That i will try hard tew be honest, but it will be just mi darn luk tew
miss it.
That i won’t grow enny kats. Spontaneous kats hav killed the bissness.
That i will love my mother-in-law if it takes all the money i kan earn
tew do it.
That i beleave real good lies are gitting skarser and skarser every day.
That i will respekt publik opinyun just az long az i kan respekt myself
in doing it.
That when i hear a man bragging on hiz ansestors i won’t envy him, but i
will pity the ansestors.
That i wont beleave in enny ghost or ghostesses unless they weigh about
140 pounds and can eat a good square meal.
That i won’t bet on nothing, for things that require betting on, lak
sumthing.
That i will brag on mi wife all the time, but i will do it silently.
That i won’t be suprised at ennything, not even tew be told that Ben
Franklin waz a spendthrift, or that Lazarus died ritch.
That i will dispize most things that i see, not out ov malice, but out
ov wisdum.
That i won’t hanker for happiness, but if i see enny that i think iz a
bargin i will shut up one eye and go for it.
That i won’t wish i waz az pure as King David, but that i was purer than
i am.
That i won’t kovet enny man’s wife, nor hiz oxen, nor hiz kornstalks,
nor the color ov hiz mustash.
That i will laff every good chance i kan git, whether it makes me gro
phatt or not.
Finally, i will sarch for things that are little, for things that are
lonesum, avoiding all torch lite proseshuns, bands ov brass music,
Wimmins’ rights convenshuns and grass widders generally.
MY FUST GONG.
I never kan eradicate holy from mi memry the sound ov the first gong I
ever herd--i was setting on the frunt stupe ov a tavern in the sitty ov
Bufferlo, pensively a smokin.
The sun was a goin tu bed, and the heavens fur and nere was blushing at
the purformanse.
The Eri kanall with its goldin waters was on its windin wa tu albany,
and i was perusin the line botes, a flotin by, and thinkin ov Italy,
(whare i used tu live,) and her gondolers, and gallus wimmin.
Mi entire sole was, as it ware in a swet, i wanted tu climb, i felt
grate, i aktually grew.
Thar ar things in this life tu big tu be trifled with, thar ar times
when a man brakes luce from hisself, when he sees speerits, when he kan
almost tuch the moon, and feels as tho he kud fill both hands with the
stars ov heavin and almost sware he was a bank president.
Thats what ailed me.
But the korse ov tru luv never did run smoove, (this iz Shakesperes
opinion too, i and he often think thru one quill) just az i was doing my
best, ... dummer, dummer, spat, bang, beller, crash, roar, ram, dummer,
dummer, whang, rip, rare rally, dummer dummer, dummer dum, ... with one
tremenjis jump, i struck the senter ov the side walk, with anuther i
kleared the gutter and with anuther, i stud in the middle ov the strets
snorting like a injin poney, at a band ov musik; i gazed in wilde
dispare at the tavern stand, mi harte swelled up as big as an out door
oven, mi teeth were as luce as a string ov prairy beads.
I thout all the crokery in the tavern stand had fell down, i thout ov
fenomenoms, i thought ov gabrel and his horn.
I was just on the pint ov thinking ov sumthing else when the landlord
cum out to the frunt stupe ov the tavern stand holding by a string the
bottom ov an old brass kittle.
He called me gentla with his hand i went slola and sadla tu him, he
calmed mi feres, he ced it was a gong; i saw the cussed thing, he ced
supper was reddy, he axed me if i would hav black or green tea and i ced
i would.
KORN.
Korn iz a serial, i am glad ov it.
It got its name from Series, a primitiff woman, and in her day, the
goddess ov oats, and sich like.
Korn iz sumtimes called _maize_, and it grows in sum parts of the
western country, very amaizenly.
I hav seen it out thare 18 foot hi (i don’t mean the aktual korn itself,
but the tree on which it grows.)
Korn haz ears, but never haz but one ear, which iz az deff az an adder.
Injun meal iz made out ov korn, and korn dodgers iz made out ov injun
meal, and korn dodgers are the tuffest chunks, ov the bread purswashun,
known tew man.
Korn dodgers are made out ov water, with injun meal mixt into it, and
then baked on a hard board, in the presence ov a hot fire.
When yu kant drive a 10 penny nail into them, with a sledge hammer, they
are sed, bi good judges, to be well done, and are reddy tew be chawed
upon.
They will keep 5 years, in a damp place, and not gro tender, and a dog
hit with one of them will yell for a week, and then crawl under the
barn, and mutter for two days more.
I hav knawed two hours miself on one side of a korn dodger without
produsing enny result, and i think i could starve to death twice before
i could seduce a korn dodger.
They git the name _dodger_ from the immegiate necessity ov dodgeing, if
one iz hove horizontally at yu in anger.
It iz far better tew be smote bi a 3 year old steer, than a korn dodger,
that iz only three hours old.
Korn was fust diskovered bi the injuns, but whare they found it I don’t
kno, and i don’t know as i care.
Whiskee, (noble whiskee,) is made out ov korn, and whiskee is one ov the
greatest blessings known tew man.
We never should hav bin able tew fill our state prizons with energetick
men, and our poor-houses with good eaters, if it want for noble whiskee.
[Illustration]
We never should have had enny temperance sons ov sosiety, nor demokratik
pollyticians, nor prize fites, nor good murders, nor phatt aldermen, nor
whiskee rings, nor nothing, if it want for blessed whiskee.
If it want for korn, how could ennyboddy git korned?
And if it want for gitting korned, what would life be worth?
We should all sink down to the level ov the brutes if it want for
gitting korned.
The brutes don’t git korned, they haint got enny reason nor soul.
We often hear ov “_drunken brutes_,” this is a kompliment to oxen which
dont belong tew them.
Korn also haz kurnels, and kurnels are often korned, so are
brigadeer-ginerals.
Johnny kake is made out ov korn, so iz hasty puddin.
Hasty puddin and milk is quick tew eat.
All you hav got to do iz to gap, and swallo, and that iz the last ov the
puddin.
Korn waz familiar tew antiquity. Joseph waz sent down into Egipt after
sum korn, but his brothers didn’t want him to go, so they took pitty on
him and pitted him in a pit.
When his brothers got back hum, and were asked whare Joe waz, they
didn’t acknowledge the korn, but lied sum.
It has been proved, that it iz wicked to lie about korn, or enny ov the
other vegetables.
Thare iz this difference between lieing, and sawing wood, it iz easier
to lie, espeshily in the shade.
Korn has got one thing that noboddy else has got, and that iz a kob.
This kob runs thru the middle ov the korn, and iz as phull ov korn as
Job waz ov biles.
I alwus feel sorry when i think ov Job, and wonder how he managed tew
set down in a chair.
Knowing how tew set down, square on a bile, without hurting the chair,
iz one ov the lost arts.
Job waz a card, he had more pashunce, and biles, tew the square inch,
than iz usual.
One hundred and twenty-five akers ov korn tew the bushel iz konsidered a
good krop, but i have seen more.
I hav seen korn sold for 10 cents a bushel, and in sum parts of the
western country, it iz so much, that thare aint no good law aginst
stealing it.
In konklushun, if yu want tew git a sure crop ov korn, and a good price
for the krop, feed about 4 quarts ov it to a shanghi rooster, then
murder the rooster immejiately, and sell him for 17 cents a pound, krop
and all.
ADVERTIZEMENT.
I kan sell for eighteen hundred and thirty-nine dollars, a pallas, a
sweet and pensive retirement, lokated on the virgin banks ov the Hudson,
kontaining 85 acres. The land is luxuriously divided by the hand of
natur and art, into pastor and tillage, into plain and deklivity, into
stern abruptness, and the dallianse ov moss-tufted medder; streams ov
sparkling gladness, (thick with trout,) danse through this wilderness ov
buty, tew the low musik ov the kricket and grasshopper. The evergreen
sighs az the evening zephir flits through its shadowy buzzum, and the
aspen trembles like the luv-smitten harte ov a damsell. Fruits ov the
tropicks, in golden buty, melt on the bows, and the bees go heavy and
sweet from the fields to their garnering hives. The manshun iz ov Parian
marble, the porch iz a single diamond, set with rubiz and the mother ov
pearl; the floors are ov rosewood, and the ceilings are more butiful
than the starry vault of heavin. Hot and cold water bubbles and squirts
in evry apartment, and nothing is wanting that a poet could pra for, or
art could portray. The stables are worthy of the steeds ov Nimrod or the
studs ov Akilles, and its henery waz bilt expressly for the birds of
paradice; while somber in the distance, like the cave ov a hermit,
glimpses are caught ov the dorg-house. Here poets hav cum and warbled
their laze--here skulptors hav cut, here painters hav robbed the scene
ov dreamy landskapes, and here the philosopher diskovered the stun,
which made him the alkimist ov natur. Nex northward ov this thing ov
buty, sleeps the residense and domain ov the Duke John Smith; while
southward, and nearer the spice-breathing tropicks, may be seen the
barronial villy ov Earl Brown, and the Duchess, Widder Betsy Stevens.
Walls ov primitiff rock, laid in Roman cement, bound the estate, while
upward and downward, the eye catches far away, the magesta and slow
grander ov the Hudson. As the young morn hangs like a cutting ov silver
from the blu brest ov the ski, an angel may be seen each night dansing
with golden tiptoes on the green. (N. B. This angel goes with the
place.)
ADVICE TEW LECTUR KOMMITTYS.
1. don’t hire enny man tew lektur for yu (never mind how moral he iz)
unless yu kan make munny on him.
2. Selekt 10 ov yure best looking and most talking members tew meet the
lekturer at the depot.
3. Don’t fail tew tell the lekturer at least 14 times on yure way from
the depot tew the hotel that yu hav got the smartest town in kreashun,
and sevral men in it that are wuth over a millyun.
4. When yu reach the hotel introduce the lekturer immejiately to at
least 25 ov yure fust klass citizens, if yu hav tew send out for them.
[Illustration]
5. When the lekturer’s room iz reddy go with him in masse to hiz room
and remind him 4 or 5 more times that yu had over 3 thousand people in
yure city at the last censuss, and are a talking about having an opera
house.
6. Don’t leave the lekturer alone in his room over 15 minnits at once;
he might take a drink out ov his flask on the sli if yu did.
7. When yu introjuce the lekturer tew the aujience don’t fail tew make a
speech ten or twelve feet long, occupying a haff an hour, and if yu kan
ring in sumthing about the growth ov yure butiful sitty, so mutch the
better.
8. Always seat 9 or 10 ov the kommitty on the stage, and then if it iz a
kommik lektur, and the kommitty don’t laff a good deal, the aujence will
konklude that the lektur iz a failure; and if they do laff a good deal,
the aujence will konklude they are stool-pigeons.
9. Jist az soon az the lectur iz thru bring 75 or 80 ov the richest ov
yure populashun up onto the stage and let them squeeze the hand and
exchange talk with the lekturer.
10. Go with the lekturer from the hall tew hiz room in a bunch, and
remind him once or twice more on the way that yure sitty iz a growing
very rapidly, and ask him if he don’t think so.
11. If the lekturer should inquire how the comik lekturers had succeeded
who had preceded him, don’t forget tew tell him that they were all
failures. This will enable him tew guess what they will say about him
just az soon az he gits out ov town.
12. If the lekturer’s fee should be a hundred dollars or more, don’t
hesitate tew pay him next morning, about 5 minnits before the train
leaves, in old, lop-eared one-dollar bills, with a liberal sandwitching
ov tobbakko-stained shinplasters.
13. I forgot tew say that the fust thing yu should tell a lekturer,
after yu had sufficiently informed him ov the immense growth ov yure
citty, iz that yure people are not edukated up tew lekturs yet, but are
grate on nigger-minstrels.
14. If it iz konvenient, i would alwus hav a boy or two selling peanuts
amung the aujience, during the lekture, at 5 cents a kupfull.
15. Never fail tew ask the lekturer whare he finds the most appreshiated
aujiences, and he won’t fail tew tell yu (if he iz an honest man) that
thare ain’t no state in the Union that begins tew kompare with yures.
16. Let 15 or 20 ov yure kommitty go with the lekturer, next morning,
tew the kars, and az each one shakes hands with him with a kind ov deth
grip, don’t forget tew state that yure citty iz growing very mutch in
people.
17. If the night iz wet, and the inkum ov the house won’t pay expenses,
don’t hesitate tew make it pay by taking a chunk out ov the lekturer’s
fee. The lekturers all like this, but they are too modest, as a klass,
tew say so.
18. I know ov several other good rules tew follow, but the abuv will do
tew begin with.
SUPPLEMENTARY.
Everyboddy now-daze wants tew be a genius, but what the world wants the
most iz men ov tallent. It don’t require enny genius tew shut a door
after yu, when yu go thru it.
Rum iz a bill ov exchange on sum stait prizon or alms-hous. I think i am
right when i say that all things which do not corrupt are innosent.
It iz not a bad kompliment tew poor human natur that vice, tew be very
seduktive, must be made attraktive. Thare are but phew who prefer their
iniquity on the haff shell.
It iz the surprizes ov life after all that giv it its zest--even a rat
bekums interesting bi the natral suddenty with whitch he cums out or
goes into his hoel.
I don’t bet on prekoshus children, they are like peas in Febuary, either
forced, or out ov their latitude.
Wit, without wisdum, iz like a song without sense, it don’t pleaze long.
Yu kan’t find _contentment_ laid down on the map: it iz an imaginary
place not settled yet; and thoze reach it the soonest who throw away
their compass and go it blind.
The gratest problem ever given tew man tew solve, and the one whitch he
haz made the least progress in, iz, “_know thyself_.”
LETTER TO FARMERS.
_Beloved Farmers_:
Agrikultur iz the mother ov farm produce; she iz also the step-mother ov
gardin sass.
Rize at haff past 2 o’clock in the morning, bild up a big fire in the
kitchen, burn out two pounds ov kandels, and grease yure boots.
Wait pashuntly for da brake. When day duz brake, then commense tew stir
up the geese and worry the hogs.
Too mutch sleep iz ruinous tew geese and tew hogs. Remember yu kant git
ritch on a farm, unless yu rize at 2 o’clock in the morning, and stir up
the hogs and worry the geese.
The happyest man in the world iz the farmer; he rizes at 2 o’clock in
the morning, he watches for da lite tew brake, and when she duz brake,
he goes out and stirs up the geese and worrys the hogs.
What iz a lawyer?--What iz a merchant?--What iz a doktor?--What iz a
minister?--I answer, nothing!
A farmer iz the nobless work ov God; he rizes at 2 o’clock in the
morning, and burns out a haff a pound ov wood and two kords ov kandels,
and then goes out tew worry the geese and stir up the hogs.
Beloved farmers, adew.
A TEMPRANSE KLUB.
Feeling the grate need miself, ov a klub ov sum kind, i hav organized a
_tempranse_ klub, and am anxious tew take into the buzzom ov the klub,
enny party, who haz fair moral papers, and who iz not over 5 feet and 9
inches in hite.
Sum few ov the leading artikles ov faith, bi wich the klub iz tew be
navigated, will be found, on examinashun, to be az follows:
Single admishuns tew the klub 50 cents, or three admishuns for one
dollar.
Fast yung men admitted at 5 per cent diskount from our regular rates.
The coat ov arms ov this klub iz a glass ov cold water, with a pickle in
it.
The password iz--_a sweet breath_.
The principal objekt ov this klub iz to kultivate soshul sentiments
without the aid ov whisky.
We sollumly beleave that whisky iz only good for the injuns.
Thoze who are in the habit ov paying a dollar for a drink, not admitted,
such folks are too respektabel.
No female admitted unless she wants to git her husband to change a bill,
and see what iz going on.
We are opposed to all prohibitory laws, except for hoss stealing, and
the like.
[Illustration]
We beleave man iz a free moral kritter, but full ov cussidness, and if
he iz determined tew eat tuff beef, and drink pizon whisky, we hold that
he probably will.
One ov the prinsipal objekts ov this klub iz tew find out which haz got
the most spirit in it, a man, or a quart ov whisky.
If a man kant keep from gitting dry without being put under bonds, he
must jine sum other tempranse klub.
This klub haz no pollytiks, nor no religion, enny man kan belong tew
this klub, and vote even the dimokratik tiket, and tend the
presbeterian, or hard shell babtisst meeting house.
No man admitted tew this klub who kant swallo a moderate horn ov
lickquor; (if he aktually needs it) without the aid ov a doktors
preskripshun.
Men who kant keep sober when they are in convivial places, are earnestly
invited tew jine this klub, and learn how.
No one who belongs to this klub iz obliged tew eat a pound ov salt
codfish and not feel dry.
Old bummers who visit us, will not be admitted, unless they giv the pass
word, (the pass word iz named above.)
All persons making aplikashun for admishun must at least be sober enuff
tew be ashamed ov themselfs.
We dont beleave that law ever kept a man sober long, but we do beleave
that entreaty and example haz.
This iz not a total abstinence klub.
We would be willing to make it one if we only knew how.
If a man jines this klub, and then gits drunk, we take him in again az
soon as he gits sober.
Members taken for one sitting, for the purpose ov gitting sober.
Advice, consolashun, pitty, remonstrance, and enkouragement, free.
Klub-room open nite and day.
A skillful doktor in attendance who understands sowing up tares in the
flesh, and removeing blak and blue spots.
Man iz our brother, and we haven’t learnt yet that rum haz destroyed the
relashunship.
The accumulating funds tew be invested in all kinds ov decent
amuzements.
Every member or applikant owning a good dogg, are invited tew bring the
dogg.
No muzzles on man or kritter allowed in this club.
Men owning fast trotters, are requested to visit us, and hear us _talk
hoss_, and see us drink root beer.
We had rather undertake tew make ten men temperate than one total
abstinent.
This klub never gives a man up untill he kant tell the truth without
lieing.
A _temperate liar_ is the very wust kind.
_Total abstinence_ iz the only kure for lieing.
The publik are advised tew examine our bi-laws and constitushun, and see
if we liv up tew them.
_Wanted_, (to begin biznes with,) a haff dozen good-hearted fellows,
with sum brains, who have bin led tew beleave that thare aint no phun in
this world only in a gin cocktail.
No phools nor bigots solicited.
PROVERBIAL PIG.
Az the white rose wakens intu buty, so dus the white Pig cum tu gladden
us.
Hiz ears are like the lilac leaf, played upon bi the young zephurs at
eventide, his silkaness is the woof ov buty, and his figger is the
outline ov lovlaness.
His food is white nectar, drawn from the full fountain ov affecshun.
He waxes fatter, and more slik, evra da, and hangs from the buzzum ov
his muther like an image ov alabastur.
He laffeth at forms, and curleth his tale still clusser, as his feast
goeth on, then he riseth with gladness, and wandereth with his kindred,
beside the still waters.
His brothers and sisters are az like him as flakes ov snow, and all the
day long, amung the red klover, and beneath the white thorn, he maketh
his joy, and leadeth a life arkadian.
His words are low musik, and his language the untutored freshness ov
natur.
His pastime is the history ov innersence, and his lessure is elaganse.
He walketh whare grase leadeth, and gambles tew the dallianse ov dewy
fragranse.
He gathereth straws in his mouth, and hasteneth awa on errants ov
gladness.
He listeneth tu the reproof of hiz parent; his ackshuns are the laws ov
perliteness, and his logick is the power ov instinkt.
His datime is pease and his evening is gentle forgitfullness.
As he taketh on years, he loveth kool plases, and delveth in liquids,
and stirreth the arth tew a fatness, and painteth hisself in dark
cullors, a reffuge from flize, and the torments ov life.
He forgetteth his parent, and bekumeth his own master, and larneth the
mistery ov food, and groweth hugely.
Men gaze at his porkyness, and kount his vallu bi pounds, and la in wate
for him, and sacrifise him, and give his flesh salt for its safety.
This is Pig life.
JOSH BILLINGS ADDRESSES THE “FEMAIL PORDUNK SOWING SOSIETY.”
Feller sisters:--When I caste mi eye on a sirkle of luvely wimmin bizzy
with their needles, mi harte seems tew stretch clean akross mi buzzum.
And when i reflek for a minnit, that tha are tew work for nothing, and
find themselfs, and that a yung heathin stans reddy yelping around the
corner, for the very shirt tha are wurking on, it duz seem tu me, that i
cud shout hozzanner for 3 weeks on a strech.
Feller Sisters, yu kan kount on Josh Billings az a frend; he luves
charitee, az a pup hankers for nu milk; his verry natur looks out onto
the horizen ov the poor folks, jist as the lite ov a tin lantern shines
akross a bog meddow.
And he sees the little bare bak yung ones shivering for a krust ov
bread, and hungry for a shirt; then he looks at the Sisters, a talking
and sowing, and sowing and talking, and he kounts a hole parcil ov
little shirts on the tabil, and then he thinks ov the widders cruise,
and the bred hove onto the waters, menshioned in the good Book, and he
feels jist az tho he wud like tew own awl the femail sowing sosieties in
the wurld hisself, and put hiz hole fortin in the little reddy made
cottin shirt bizziness.
Oh Charitee! Oh Charitee! When Josh Billings communes with you, he feals
az tho he had jist been tried out, and sot awa tew cool.
Feller Sisters, don’t be skeered, let the ritch and the hawty stik up
their nozes, and let the eddicated larf.
Josh wud like no better fun than jiss to bet his 9 dollars, that enny
Sister, in full communion with this ere sowing sosiety, who puts in full
time, and cuts the cotting tew advantage, wil git her final reward.
Tew konklude, Feller Sisters, pitch in; remember Mr. Lots wife, she that
was salted for looken bak.
Cum together arly, and oftin, buy yure cottin by the pease; be keerful
how yu deal out youre shirts, for thare iz evry now and then, a bogus
heathin.
[Illustration: JOSH ADDRESSES THE FEMAIL “PORDUNK SOWING SOSIETY.”]
Stan bi yure konstitushion, and bi laws, dew awl this, and the “Femail
Pordunk Sowing Sosiety” will go down tew futer prosterita, like a
wide-awake torchlite possession.
I bid yu tenderla ajew.
THE FUST BABY.
The fust baby has bekum one ov the fixed stars ov life; and ever since
the fust one was born, on the rong side of the gardin ov Eden, down tew
the little stranger ov yesterday, they hav never failed tew be a budget
ov mutch joy--an event ov mutch gladness.
Tew wake up some cheerful morning, and cee a pair ov soft eyes looking
into yours--to wonder how so mutch buty could have been entrusted to
you--to sarch out the father, or the mother, in the sweet little fase,
and then loze the survey, in an instant of buty, as a laffing Angel lays
before you--tew pla with the golden hare, and sow fond kisses upon this
little bird in yure nest--tiz this that makes the fust baby, the joy ov
awl joys--a feast ov the harte.
Tew find the pale Mother again bi yure side, more luvly than when she
was wooed--tew see a new tenderness in her eye, and tew hear the
chastened sweetness ov her laff, as she tells something new about
“Willie”--tew luv her far more than ever, and tew find oftimes a prayer
on yure lips--tiz this that makes the fust baby a fountain ov sparkling
plezzure.
Tew watch the bud on yure rosebush, tew ketch the fust notes ov yure
song-bird, tew hear the warm praze ov kind frends, and tew giv up yure
hours tew the trezzure--tiz this that makes the fust baby a gift that
Angels hav brought yu.
Tew look upon the trak that life takes--tew see the sunshine and
shower--tew plead for the best, and shrink from the wust--tew shudder
when sikness steals on, and tew be chastened when death comes--tiz
this--oh! tiz this that makes the fust baby a hope upon arth, and a gem
up in heaven.
JOSH BILLINGS UNDER OATH.
Josh Billings being duly sworn, testifys az follers: Eight wont go into
6 and hav mutch ov enny thing left over. Menny a yung fellow haz found
out this sum in arithmeticks bi trieing tew git a number 8 foot into a
number 6 boot.
Virteu, in one respekt, iz like munny. That which we hav tew work the
hardesst for sticks tew us the best.
Men ov phew but aktive branes hav the best exekutive abilitys. Their
branes are like a bullit--compakt, and go strate for the bull’s eye.
Affektashun never improved enny boddy yet. It iz better tew be a devil
than a hypokritt.
[Illustration]
I hav often herd thare waz men who knew more than they could tell, but i
never met one. I hav often met thoze who could tell a grate deal more
than they did kno, and waz willing tew sware to it besides.
To be proof agin flattery, a man must hav no vanity, and such a man
never existed; if he did, he iz now one ov the lost arts.
Hope haz made a grate menny blunders, but thare iz one thing about her
that i alwus did like--she means well.
Sum people are good simply bekauze they are too lazy tew be wicked, and
others, bekauze they hant got a good chance.
Thare iz one thing that i am not only certain, but proud ov--thare iz
more people in this world who hav changed from bad to good, than from
good to bad.
In munny, interest phollows the principal; in morals, principle often
phollows the interest.
Yu will notis one thing--the devil seldum offers tew go into partnership
with a bizzy man, but yu will often see him offer tew jine the lazy man,
and furnish all the kapital.
Curiosity had twins--one waz _Invenshun_ and the other waz _Stick Yure
Noze Into Things_.
Love iz about the only pashun ov the heart, that i kan think ov now,
that never makes enny mistakes that she kan be held accountable for. If
you waz a going tew try pure love for a crime, what court would yu take
her before?
I look upon the North Pole az one ov them spots, if taint never found,
we shant be none ov the wuss off, and, if it iz found, we shant be none
ov the better off.
I dont kno, after all, but it iz jist about az well tew git abuv yure
bizzness as it iz tew hav yure bizzness git abuv yu.
“In time ov peace prepare for war.” This iz the way sum familys liv all
the time.
Whenever yu hear a man who alwus wants tew “bet hiz bottom dollar,” yu
kan make up yure mind that that iz the size ov hiz pile.
The devil iz the only individual on reckord who iz sed not tew possess a
single virtew.
Thare iz nothing that a man will git so sik ov az too mutch mollassis.
The vices which a man kontrakts in hiz youth, however mutch he may shake
them oph, will often call on him thru life, and seek tew renew hiz
acquaintance.
Prudery iz often like the chesnutt burr. It seems az tho it never would
open, but by and by it duz, and lets the fruit drop out.
Every man haz hiz phollys, but thare iz this difference--in the poor
man, they look like crimes, while, in the ritch man, they only appear
tew be exsentricitys.
Old age inkreases us in wisdom, and also in rumatism.
I kno lots ov pholks who are pius jist bekauze they waz born so. They
kant tell when they got religion, and, if they should looze it, they
wouldn’t kno it.
We never outgro our phollys--we only alter them.
Thare iz this difference between charity and a gift--charity cums from
the heart; a gift, from the pocket.
Coquets are generally too silly to be very wicked.
Thare iz full az menny pholks in this world who hav bin ruined bi
kindness az thare iz who hav bin injured bi kruelty.
When fortune pipes, we must dance. It aint alwus that she iz in tune.
I think the honesty ov men iz oftner the effekt ov policy than
principle.
Thare iz only one kind ov folks who kan keep a sekret good, and they
never take enny tew keep.
The man who iz wicked enuff tew be dreaded iz a safer man in community
than the one who iz just virtewous enuff not to be suspekted.
Flattery iz the wust kind of lieing.
Hypockrasy iz alwus humble.
Gravity don’t prove enny thing. If a man iz really wise, he dont need
it, and, if he aint wize, he shouldn’t hav it.
It iz jist az natral tew be born poor az it iz tew be born naked, and it
iz no more disgrace.
Thare iz no excuse whatever for the insolence ov wealth; thare may
possibly be for the insolence ov poverty.
Dont forget one thing, mi boy--that when five men kall yu a suckcess,
and one man kalls yu a failure, that the one man’s testimony iz what
fetches the jury.
Lazyness iz the fust law ov natur; self-prezervashun iz the seckond.
Yu kant konvert sinners bi preaching the gospel tew them at haff price.
Enny sinner who iz anxious tew git hiz religion in that way, iz
satisfied with a poor artikle.
JOSH AT NIAGARA FALLS.
After a series ov unsuckcessfull wanderings thru life, i find miself
this day, December 28th, 1868, leaning on the left arm ov mi lovely
wife, a spektator ov this wondrous jugular vein, which pours the
throbbing blood ov Lake Erie into the vitals ov Lake Ontario.
I reached here at ten minutes past twelve, from the far West, and found
the place poor with visitors, it being the center ov winter, and a cold
time for money.
For the fust two hours i hung onto mi wife’s arm az still az tho I had
growed thare, and couldn’t see ennything on account ov the clamor the
water made; but gradually i begin tew take notes ov things, and broke
out, at last, in one ov thoze posthumous remarks incidental tew the
Billings family, and which i deem tew abstruse tew be written down here.
My wife turned pale at the remark, and began tew fuss for her kamphor.
The grandur, the almoste sublimity ov Niagara Falls has been deskribed
so often and so intolerably well by previous visitors who hav been blest
with a college edukashun, that it would be but petty larceny for me tew
git ketched at it; but i will say, az the mad liquor impetuous tumbles
hed fust into the boiling kaldron belo, and the smoke ov its torrent
ascends amid the roar, i thought how idle language waz, and how lazy
deskription was, tew portray this great idea ov the Almighty.
The fust thing i did waz tew git at the hight ov the Falls, which, i
found out, waz owing tew the distance the water fell, the quantity ov
the fluid, and the noise it made.
I have lost the paper i made the calculashun on, but it must have been
at least three thousand square feet.
I should think that the fuss the water makes, in its hurry to fall,
could be heard two hundred miles; but i didn’t hav time tew stand off
that distance and see if it waz acktually so.
I learned that the Falls belong now tew the United States and Great
Brittain, about half-and-half; but i shouldn’t wonder if, sum time, the
United States would own the whole ov it.
Natur haz done the fair thing for Niagara, and man haz not been lazy.
Thare waz one thing that happened tew me, while here, that will last me
for mi lifetime, and when i git through with it will do to hand down tew
mi posteritys without the danger ov spiling.
The Americans had just finished a new suspension bridge, and hooked it
onto the Canada side, just belo the Falls.
This bridge iz thirteen hundred feet in length, only twelve feet wide,
and about two hundred and fifty feet above the water, and iz four
hundred feet longer than the rail-road bridge, three miles below.
Thare had but one carriage yet crossed this bridge, and it being known
that I waz connekted with the New York Weekly, every boddy waz anxious
that I should go over.
I took a seat, in an elegant turnout, got up for the occasion, my wife
by mi side, and driven by Darby Sherman, a noted whip and ribbon handler
ov the place, we started slowly over.
We were the second pair ov mortals who had taken the dizzy ride.
My wife grew dearer, and a good deal nearer tew me, az we progressed,
and before we reached the Canada side, we were fairly one flesh.
When we had seen her magisty’s soil, and safely recrost the flimsy span
again, i am willing tew say i had suffered all the suspension bridge
glory that i wanted.
We were welcomed on our return tew the hotel, with open arms, and two
hot lemonades, with a little old rye lurking in one ov them.
I took mine without enny wry face, and whispered tew my soul, as the
last swallow went reluctently down end ways, “suspension bridges may be
a good risk tew take, but a hot lemonade whiskee iz better.”
Thare iz one thing that Niagara don’t lack, whatever may be her moral
defaults in other matters, and that iz _professional guides_.
Upwards ov fifty different people waz anxious to guide me tew the strong
points ov the place.
One pale faced youth, more clamorous than the rest, with pattent leather
boots, which had been new at the hight of the last summer seazon, but
which had bekum seazon cracked and bulged severely at the roots ov each
bigg toe, wanted tew guide me so mutch that i finally told him he might
guide me sum if he would be keerful.
During the time this innocent youth waz in mi company he told me more
than 275 original and deeply interesting lies.
He showed me whare Jim Buchanan killed the grate injun warrier,
Tecumser, in a hand to-hand scuffle, which lasted three hours and seven
minnits, during which time hiz own grand father held the watch, and he
pointed out the tree that Major Andree waz hung on, and showed me the
identical house in the distance whare Robert Burnes wrote the immortal
ode tew hiz Highland Mary, and also the private residence, (and banking
house) ov the Hon. John Morrisey, and probably would have shown me the
Plymouth rock, whare our fore-fathers landed, if I had asked him to do
it.
But when i told him that John Morrisey had been dead more than fifteen
years, he diskovered that i wan’t so green.
He also offered tew sell me, for two dollars and fifty cents, a lock of
auburn hair, from the young lady’s head who past, last spring, in high
water, safely over the falls, seated on the round side ov a hemlock
slab, playing “A life on the ocean wave” on a base vial.
After the young man had guided me for one hour and a quarter, i paid him
ten cents and dismisst him.
He looked at me, and then at the size ov the money, az tho he thought we
possibly might be twins.
I told him that thare waz one thing that the Billings family waz a
leetle partickular about, and that waz, in making the right change to a
ded beat.
Niagara is also fraught with most ov the rare curiositys thare iz now on
the face ov the earth, every boddy haz got some miracle tew sell for two
dollars and fifty cents.
Yu kan git charms for a watch kee whitled out ov a rock that weighed
sixty ton, and which fell four thousand feet, on the thirteenth ov last
June, from table rock and waz picked up by a little boy at the water’s
edge, who waz fishing for pickled crabs.
It iz but a step, i hav been informed, from the sublime tew the
ridikilus, and menny ov the residents at Niagara are familiar with the
step.
I kant think ov enny thing more intrinsically burlesque than tew be
standing in the presence ov one ov the most imposing revelations of
Nature on this footstool, and while rapt in fear and admirashun, and
chastened az it were by the God ov Nature, tew hav a peddling imp ov
humanity sacrilegisly disturb yure adorashun by thrusting in yure face a
paltry piece ov petrified deadbeatery, and with all the nonchalence and
impudence ov a cold buckwheat slapjack ask yu two dollars and fifty
cents for what iz wuss than offal.
In olden times the brokers and dove pedlars were hustled out ov the
temple ov God, and it would be medicine tew me to see this great temple,
made without hands, cleaned ov the two dollar and fifty cent vermin that
infest it.
SUM VERY BLANK VERSE--THE NEGRO AND THE TROUT.
Beneath the shelvy bank ov meddo brook,
Expektant lays the spekeld trout.
April showers, with blood from
Genial skize, hav warmed the streamlet’s
Veins, and dancing on its buzzum
Cums sunlite and shaddo
Hand in hand.
Just here the verdant willow bends,
To lave its tapring fingers
In the kristal flood,
And fragrant spearmint scents the
Creeping wind.
Close by, upon the alders highest limb
Swaying, the blackbird sits,
With mello thrut full ov April songs,
Responsiv tew the sadder notes
Of Robin red breast from yonder maple,
While sollum az phuneral cortege
The dusky crow beats his wing
Against the swimming ski.
’Tis Spring! or from the brooklet’s
Grassy bank the violets would not
Be stareing with their eyes ov
Gentle blue, nor in the smoky air
Would indistinkt be heard
The thousand echo’s waking,
Haff dreaming, from their frozen sleep.
Sweet time! the yung year innocent.
Gentle Spring! in undress,
Unconscious ov her buty, spreds
Her golden tresses to the wanton wind,
While buds and blossoms early
Welkum the lovely goddess to
This throne of hers,
And reddy stand, with harps soft strung,
With dreamy musik,
Sweet time! ov all the varied year,
Most charming and oftnest sung.
* * * * *
Akross the meddo,
Whissling a lively catch,
Just az the morning sun
Looks o’er the nabring hill,
Cums Afriks old and well-tanned son.
Old time haz bilt upon this darkey’s
Hed a nest ov grizzly hair hard-twisted,
And shrunk hiz parchment skin
Cluss fitting tew hiz bones.
A fox skin cap, innocent ov fur,
Hiz hed engulphs,
And well filled with holes,
To let the water out that enters in;
One boot he wears, oddly mated
With a shoe ov anshunt daze.
From thrut to waist wide yawns
Hiz coarse and starchless shirt,
And over all, loose and ragged
Whips the wind, what once waz
Master’s Sunday koat.
Nearer az he cums, and ketches
With his well sped ear the
Streamlet’s morning son, hiz
Whissell stops, and creeps this
Olden darkey, with muffled tread,
Still nearer, where swiftly runs
The pearly waters, to hide
Beneath the shelvy bank.
The friendly willo, tho yung with leaves,
Between the early sun and dansing
Waters, spreads a quivring shade,
Cluss thare old Ishmahel stands.
Soon to hiz pole ov alder wood,
(Almost the pole az old az Ishmels self,)
He ties the horse hair line,
(Himself did weave), and feeling
With hiz old fingers crisp the
Barbed hooks point, sure to be
That dullness waz not sleeping thare,
He takes (oh! nauty Ishmel!)
From out a quaint old bottle,
That hold perhaps a pint,
[Illustration]
He takes--_a drink_,
Smackin his lips, and “_bressing God_,”
In menny a looped and squirming
Knott he hangs the hook about,
With fresh and tempting worms.
One step nearer--still one more--
Then waving in the air aloft
The flexile line, and light,
With hand unerring, the pole
Obedient drops the struggling
Worm just in the current’s mouth,
Whare the water fust begins its race.
Oh! art exquisitt! Oh! bliss extatic!--
(None but the Ishmahels hav lernt
This art, or this bliss felt.)
Down the brook’s swift thrut swims
The giddy worm, a fatal journey,
For darting, az a streak ov silvry light
From sentinal place, the
Spekled gourmand burys in hiz maw
The barbed deceit.
Now who kan tell, with words enuff,
The thrill that follows?
I kant!
But stranger look! upon the grassy
Bank, dancing in deth, and see a
Two pound trout, game and butiful
To the last.
All day, shaddo like, Old Ishmahel
Steals up and down the stream,
And when the sun hiz daily rase
Haz well ni run,
With basket full, and bottle empty,
Dark Old Ishmahel, prowder
Than a king, goes whissling back
The way he cum.
THE DANDY AND THE THIMBLE-RIGGER.
After natur had finished the fust man and the fust woman, she had a
little material left at the bottom ov her cups, and not willing tew
waste ennything, she mixt the two remnants together, more for a frolick
than ennything else, just to see what the compound would produce.
Throwing the mixture onto the dieing coals, in a few minnitts a
half-baked, comikal creature lay smirking, and mincing, before her.
This iz the way that the fust dandy waz made, and, with a boquet in one
hand and a looking-glass in the other, Dame Nature turned him loose into
the world, to root.
The construckshun ov this creature of remnants iz peculiar.
A dissection ov a dandy, in the thirteenth century, revealed the fakt
that hiz heart resembled a pin cushion, having no cells, the interior ov
it being filled with cotton batting and sawdust, and stuck awl over the
outside with rosettes, and dead butterflys, with pins through them.
Hiz head waz divided into innumerable little stalls, in each ov which
waz deposited, in solution, a very small quantity ov brains, which
ackted independent ov each other.
One stall waz devoted to kid gloves az a science, another to tight
boots, and a third to colone water.
All hiz thoughts and affeckshuns are divided between the fit ov hiz
clothes and the admirashun ov them.
Hiz ideas never grasp ennything stronger than Phalon’s last sensashun in
perfumery; his whole emotional natur finds its nourishment and
counterpart in a plate ov the last Paris fashions, hung up in a taylor’s
window.
The genuine dandy--one who knows hiz bizzness--never falls in love with
ennything but hiz looking-glass; hiz strongest pashun iz admirashun; he
kant reach the dignity ov love.
To love, requires both brains and a soul; and a dandy in love would be
az whimsikal a sight az a butterfly kneeling at the feet ov a tulip.
Your real dandy iz a long-lived bird; hiz pashions are weak, but
regular, and like a watch, the works and the case wear out together.
He grows old like a boquet, and is brisk, and in humor to the last.
Dandys hav no courage; their pashuns are a mixtur ov weak and delikate
things; they kant insult, nor be insulted; they are rabbits among men,
and among wimmin, not bold enuff tew be feared, nor useless enuff to be
dispized.
Thare iz not one single trait in their charakter, that I kan think ov
now, highly commendible; they are selfish (and have a right to be),
bekauze they haint got ennything to spare; their ambishun haz no more
glory in it than a scent bag.
Reverence implys faith, and a dandy haz no faith, but in the taste ov
hiz hairdresser, or taylor; meekness implys hope, but hope in them, iz
nothing but emasculated impudence.
But while theze useless creatures lack the virtews ov life, they are
seldum, or never, gilty ov enny fust class vices, they go through life
heedless ov awl that iz very good, or very bad, and when they git reddy
to die, it iz ov az little importance tew the world, az the loss ov a
cosmetick receipt, or a clever twist in a yeller neck-tie.
Your genuine dandy seldum unites, he courts, az the humming burd duz
among the flowers, for honey, not a wife, and thinks that hiz attacks
are awl conquests, but no sensible woman would marry him, enny quicker,
than she would knowingly take counterfit money in change.
This world will never be rid ov the dandy, there iz so many pincushion
hearts, and heads not made for brains, thare iz so much vanity that iz
amply pleazed with a dog’s head on a bamboo cane, thare iz so mutch
kindness in looking glasses, thare is so mutch fragrance in the
extrackts ov Lubin, thare iz sich a glory in being a pin feather king,
for an evening, among silly hearts, that young dandys will keep being
born, and old dandys will frisk, in spite of their gout, or enny bodys
philosophy.
Thimblerig iz a game az old az Methuselah.
It is played on the knees ov a young, and hawk-eyed, and very polished
gentleman, with a shiny black hat on hiz head, encircled with a band ov
crape, az a mourning badge, for hiz late lamented father--or, “_enny
other man_.”
The young gentleman wears a flame-colored necktie, striped with orange,
and held with a gilt slide, and a californy cluster on hiz finger, az
copious, az a gill ov beans. The game iz conducted with three thimbles,
a pellet ov fur, or wool, az big az a grape seed, and iz sed tew be
under one ov the thimbles, but after yu bet, and the thimble iz raized,
it dont seem to be invariably thar.
This pellet iz humorsly called the “little joker,” and iz carlessly
shown to you, az it appears to slide under cover ov one ov the thimbles,
but in fakt, slips under the cultivated finger nail ov the gentlemanly
rigger.
This iz only one ov the thousand modes ov gambling, but probably the
most niggerlike ov enny ov them.
If I had a son who was a thimblerigger by perswashun, and could not be
converted from the low, and villainous game enny other way, I would pray
tew hav him hit hard with lightning, and then go into suitable mourning
afterwards.
Gambling iz a vice, az natural to man, az the love ov gain, it iz the
pashun ov the civilized, and uncivilized, the Hindoo, and the Saxon, the
nigger, and the congressman.
It iz az old az history, and as demoralizing az enny profligasy, that
haz yet bin invented.
Rum and dice, are the two grate levellers, they bring the judge down tew
the grade ov the loafer, and pluck out by the roots the tail feathers ov
aristocracy.
They corrupt the warmest heart, chill the most ardent ambishun, wither
the brightest hopes, and brutalize the tenderest pashions.
All that gamble may not reach the lowest depths ov its degradashun, but
they are on the right road.
Total abstinence iz the only cure for gambling, alteratives wont answer.
One ov the wust feeters ov this disseaze iz, that it iz like the small
pox, if the patient recovers hiz health, he kant never git rid ov the
skars; a man may ceaze to be a gambler, but once a gambler, the cursed
pashion whines around him, like a ghost around the buried.
LONG BRANCH IN SLICES.
Long Branch iz the eastern terminus ov sum real estate on the west side
ov the Atlantik Oshun, and iz lokated cluss down to the edge ov the
water.
The populashun iz homo genus, woman genus, girl and boy genus, yung one
genus, and divers other kind ov genus.
The divers genus are sum plenty. They go into the Atlantik Oshun, hand
in hand, man and wife, phellow and gall, stranger and strangeresses,
drest in flowing robes, and cum out by-and-by like statuary in a tite
fit.
The Atlantik Oshun iz a grate success. The author and proprietor ov it
never makes enny blunders.
Thare iz a grate deal ov morality here at Long Branch. Thare iz sum
isolated cases ov iniquity, and a clever sprinkling of innocent
deviltry.
[Illustration: JOSH BILLINGS BATHING AT LONG BRANCH.]
I am pleased to state that the _iniquity_ iz principally in fust hands,
and finds but few takers.
The fluid ov the Atlantik Oshun iz psalt, and haz bin so for more than
three hundred years to my knowledge. I state this as a stubborn fakt,
and the “_oldest inhabitant_” may help himself if he can.
The ockashun ov this psaltness has bothered the clergy for years. Sum ov
them say that large lumps ov psalt waz deposited in the oshun, at an
early day, bi the injuns, for safe keeping, and sum say that the grate
number ov kodfish and number 2 makrel that travel in its waters haz
flavoured the oshun.
I endorse the kodfish and makrel job, not bekauze i think it iz true,
but bekauze i think it iz the weakest, and i hav alwus bin in the habit
ov standing up for the weak and oppressed.
Flirtashuns are thick here, but principally occur amung thoze who hav
wore the conjugal yoke until their necks hav begun to git galled.
Theze flirtashuns are looked upon az entirely innocent, and are called
“_recruiting_.”
They are konsidered by sum (who call themselves good judges) more
_braceing_ than the sea-airing.
Millionaires are numerous, besides others who put on a millyun ov airs
more or less.
Now and then yu will see a forrin snob just over from the other side ov
the Atlantik Oshun. They wear long shirt-collars, turned down, and short
nozes turned up.
The landlord tells me, they hav all paid their bills thus far, and he
sez, the last thing he duz at nite, before he goes tew sleep, iz tew
pray--they will kontinue on to do so.
The prayers ov the righteous are sed tew be heavy, and weigh well, and
the landlord being ov a righteous turn ov mind, i think he will win.
The Continental Hotel iz the principal one here, and iz infested, just
now, by eight hundred and fifty innocent creatures, who eat 3 meals per
day.
The femail portion ov these dear innocent creatures, rool up their
sleeves, and go down once a day, to the keel ov their trunk, and drag
out bi the nap ov the nek sum clothes, that would make the Queen ov
Sheeba sorry that she hadn’t postponed living untill Long Branch had bin
invented, so that she could hav got the style.
I advice all ov mi friends to come to the Continental Hotel, and bring
their best clothes with them.
Long Branch haz menny things to interest the schollar, and the
philanthropist, among which iz the race course, just bilt.
I attended this race-course lately, and saw sum very good rotary
movements on it.
I didn’t bet, bekaze i hav alwus been principled aginst loseing enny
money.
I think i could win enny quantity ov money, and not spile mi morality,
but the loss ov a fu dollars, would git mi virtew out ov repair for
ages.
Long Branch iz also the home ov the miscelaneous crab, and the
world-renowned musketo.
The crab iz kaught in endless confusion at _Plezzure Bay_, cluss bi Long
Branch.
He iz kaught bi tieing a hard knot on the other end ov a string, and
then dropping the string down in the water, and tickling the bottom ov
hiz feet with the knot, in this way, sumtimes he iz kaught, and sumtimes
he iz knot.
The musketo iz az natral to Nu Jersee az Jersee litening iz.
The musketo iz a marvelous kuss, but whi he ever waz allowed tew take
out hiz papers, and travel, iz unknown to me, or enny ov mi near
relashuns.
If he haz enny destiny tew fill, it must be his stummuk, for he iz the
biggest bore, ackording tew the size ov hiz gimblet, i hav ever met
seldom. It dont look well for a philosopher tew be fracktious at enny
thing, not even a bugg, but if enny boddy ever hears me swear (out loud)
he may know thare haz bin a kussid musketeer on mi premises.
I cum tew Long Branch (in company with mi wife) at the opening ov the
season, and put up at the Continental Hotel, and intend now to keep
putting up thare, untill the house shuts up, if i hav tew klimb the
flag-staff to do it.
Every boddy who puts up at this hotel, iz allowed tew put up regular,
once a week, for hiz board, and promiskuss things.
Thare iz a blessed privilege, which sum folks kant never enjoy, untill
they are deprived ov it.
It will then be forever too late.
I am one ov them cunning kritters, who, when they find a good hotel, a
225 pound landlord, and polite officials, dwell with them heavily.
I hav sed before (in writing about hotels) that almost enny boddy thinks
they know how tew keep a hotel (_and they do know how_) but this
ackounts for the grate number ov kussid poor hotels, all over the
country.
BILLIARDS.
Everyboddy seems tew be gitting crazy over a new game, which haz jist
bin diskovered, called billyards.
It iz played on the top ov a tabel which iz a little longer than it iz
square, and the game seems tew konsist in pushing sum round red bawls
agin sum round white bawls, until they drop into sum little pudding bags
which are hung unto the outside ov the tabel.
It takes 2 men tew play the game, but 4 or 5 can look on.
They take oph their coats, and stand clus up to the tabel, with a short
piece ov a fishpole in their hands, which has a chalk mark onto the end
ov it.
Then one begins, by giving one ov the bawls a punch in the belly, which
sends it agin the next one’s belly, and so on, till the other fellows
turn fur punching comes on.
But yu ought tew see the game; it kant be delineated bi words.
One feller generally beats the other feller, and then he pays the
landlord ov the consarn 25 cents fur the privilege ov gitting beat, and
buys sum gin, with lemonade in it, and aul hands drink.
Then 2 more takes holt ov the fishpoles, and they punch fur a spell, and
so it goes on till 2 o’clock in the morning; then each goes hum, having
enjoyed fine exercise, a little drunk perhaps; but the muscles in their
breast are so expanded that they can’t ketch the consumption nor the
smaul pox.
_This iz billyards._
HABITS OF GRATE MEN.
Habits are like korns on the little toze, the result ov tite boots.
Habits are likewize the krooks in an ordinary dorg’s tale natral az
life, but seldum useful, or ornamental.
George Washington Crab, Esq., the wonderful astromenor ov the 4th
century, alwus took hiz observashuns ov the suns perigammut on one
bended knee, with hiz eye tooth buried to the kore in a sour apple, and
hiz left shin-bone bandaged, with a solution ov sheet iron.
[Illustration: HABITS OF GRATE MEN.]
In this way he discovered _cansir_, one ov the signs of the zodiac, and
it haz ever since bore his name in English.
George also wore an uprite collar, about one foot in upriteness and
alwus used kats intestines, for shew strings.
He waz a grate man, and had sum habits.
He died in due time.
And haint bin seen since.
His widdow waz inconsolable for a large amount. Hiz widdow iz also no
more now, she coiled oph this mortal shuffle in good shape, at the
reasonable age of 86.
If her aktual ashes are still extant, i say boldly, “peace tew her
ashes.”
If her ashes kant be found, i am willing to be one ov ten to make enny
other arrangements that will pay.
Rev. Moses Bickerstaff wrote those famous sermons ov hiz, that shook the
moral firmament from dan to bersheebe, upon the head ov a flower barrel,
with a bony pen made from the dorsal feather finis ov an untamed
osstrich.
He used ink made from an extrakt ov mid-nite, combined with the
perspiration ov a confirmed Ethiopian.
He also kultivated the ambishun ov hiz little finger nail which grew to
bee about 8 feet in longevity.
He had a way ov leering with hiz left eye, when he preached, which
history sez was cussid good.
Bickerstaff haz had a hoste ov immitators, but they are like the millers
who fly at a kandle, he cooks them all.
Bickerstaff wore hiz hat without enny brim to it, nor enny crown, and
alwus put on hiz left boot last. He, like all thoze who lived before the
flood, iz now deperted to deth, but hiz way ov doing things (on the hed
ov a flower barrell), tho often tried on, haz never bin badly beat yet.
Doktor Henry Magnum, M. D., waz a doktor.
He waz rather a weak sister, and alwus rode sideways on a side-saddle.
He had one strong point, he never giv up a pashunt until he waz plumb
ded.
His exsentricitys waz theze.
He alwus used a wodden spoon, made out ov wood.
When he eat, hiz mouth always flu open, to the crook ov hiz elbo.
He never et enney mollassis during hiz sweet life.
He made all ov hiz pills down cellar.
He iz sed to hav had, during his life, a thousand stujents ov medisin,
but history sez, they didn’t enny ov them equal Magnum, only in hiz
odditys.
Docktor Magnum worked in physick about 46 years after the landing ov the
pilgrims, on Mount Arryrat, and i presume iz now fully dead, and gone,
or too old for a full days work.
He wrote a book on rats (az a dire necessity) which waz a standard work
for menny generashun ov rats.
This book waz translated into Hindoo, and thus waz lost, by being burnt
with a widder, in a phuneral scrape.
Ebenezer Smile waz probably one ov the most tallented excentricks that
ever smiled.
He waz a landlord on the Himmelay mountains, and waz the author ov
_Gin_.
Ten thousand phunny things ov his hav bin handed down, and all lost.
The most truly wonderful odd awkwardness ov all hiz peculiarness waz hiz
way ov smiling.
He could smile and drink a gin cocktale at onst, and the same time.
This natrality ov hiz haz bin immitated so mutch since, that the
original idee iz all wore out.
He haz had several immitators who hav outsmiled their daddy.
History sez, he could smile a pint ov gin a day, without enny water in
it.
But a pint ov gin, now days, would hardly raize a smile ov contempt.
Ebenezer Smile was a bachelor, and history sez, his father waz also one
before him.
This oddness haz also its immitators.
Ebenezer died with a smile on his countenance, or just after one.
* * * * *
I hav cum tew the konklusion that the excentricitys ov grate men iz the
work ov art, and is mistaken bi the owners ov it for natur, and haz made
more phools, (bi thoze who hav immitated them,) than the Lord ever haz.
Ebenezer Smile waz a kussid poor original enny how.
Ebenezer haz vakated life, but he haz left a bitter smile behind him.
Oh! the sarkasm, in the smile ov a gin koktale.
JOSH BILLINGS INSURES HIS LIFE.
I kum to the conclusion, lately, that life waz so onsartin, that the
only wa for me tu stand a fair chance with other folks, was to git my
life insured, and so i kalled on the Agent of the “Garden Angel life
insurance Co.,” and answered the following questions, which waz put tu
me over the top ov a pair of goold specks, by a slik little fat old
feller, with a little round gray head, az pretty az enny man ever
owned:--
QUESTIONS.
1st--Are yu mail or femail? if so, Pleze state how long you have been
so.
2d--Are yu subjec tu fits, and if so, do yu hav more than one at a time?
3d--What is yure precise fiteing weight?
4th--Did yu ever have enny ancestors, and if so, how much?
5th--What iz yure legal opinion ov the constitutionality ov the 10
commandments.
6th--Du yu ever hav enny nite mares?
7th--Are you married and single, or are yu a Bachelor?
8th--Do yu beleave in a futer state? if yu du, state it.
9th--What are yure private sentiments about a rush ov rats tu the head;
can it be did successfully?
10th--Hav yu ever committed suiside, and if so, how did it seem to
affect yu?
After answering the above questions, like a man in the confirmatif, the
slik little fat old fellow with goold specks on, ced i was insured for
life, and probably would remain so for a term ov years. I thanked him,
and smiled one ov my most pensive smiles.
HOW TEW PICK OUT A GOOD HOSS.
_First._--Let the color be a sorrel, a roan, a red, a gray, a white, a
blak, a blue, a green, a chesnut, a brown, a dapple, a spotted, a cream,
a buckskin, or sum other good color.
_Seckond._--Examin hiz ears; see that he haz got tew ears, and pound a
tin pan cluss to him, to find out whether hiz hearing iz good. All
hosses are dum but a deff and dum hoss, are not desirable.
_Third._--Look well to hiz eyes; see that he haz got a pupil in hiz
eyes, and not too large a one neither, hosses with too large pupils in
their eyes are near-sighted, and kant see oats, and hav tew wear green
gogles, and green gogles make a hoss look tu mutch like a trakt pedlar.
[Illustration: THE HOSS.]
_Fourth._--Feel ov his neck with the inside ov yure right hand, see that
the spinal collum iz well fatted, and runs the whole length ov him from
fore to aft, a hoss without a good phatt spinal collum from fore to aft
aint worth, (speaking sudden) aint worth a well defined cuss.
_Five._--Put yure hand on hiz breast, (this iz allowable in the case ov
a quadriped) see if hiz harte kan beat 70, squeeze hiz fore leggs to see
if he iz well muscled, lift up hiz before feet, and see if thare iz enny
frogs in them, frogs keep a hosses feet cool, and sweet, just az they do
a well, or a spring ov water.
_Six._--Look well tew hiz shoes, see what number he wears, number 8 iz
about right.
_Seven._--Run yure hand along the dividing ridge ov hiz boddy, from the
top ov hiz withers to the commencement ov his tail (or dorsul vertibra)
and pinch him az yu go along to see if he knows how tew kick.
_Eight._--Look on his hind legs for sum spavins, kurbs, windgalls,
ringbones, skratches, quittors, thrush, greaseheels, thorough-pins,
spring-halt, quarter-kracks; see if he haz got a whirl-bone; look for
sum pin-hips; hunt for strains in the back tendons, let-downs and capped
hocks.
_Nine._--Investigate hiz teeth, see if he aint 14 years old last May,
with teeth filed down, and a six year old black mark burnt into the top
ov them, with a hot iron.
_Ten._--Smell of hiz breath to see if he haint got sum glanders; look
just back ov hiz ears for sighns of pole evil, pinch him on the top ov
hiz withers for a fistula, and look sharp at both shoulders for a
sweeny.
_Eleven._--Hook him tew a waggon that rattles, drive him up to an
Irishman and hiz wheelbarrow, meet a rag merchant with cow bells strung
acrost the top ov hiz cart, let an express train pass him at 45 miles to
the hour, when he iz swetty leave a buffalo robe over him to keep oph
the cold, ride him with an unbrel highsted, and learn hiz opinyun ov
these things.
_Twelve._--Prospekt hiz wind, sarch diligently for the heaves, ask if he
iz a roarer, and don’t be afraid tew find out if he iz a whistler.
_Thirteen._--Be sure that he aint a krib-biter, aint balky, aint a
weaver, and dont pull at the halter.
* * * * *
Theze are a few simple things to be looked at in buying a _good family
hoss_, there iz a grate menny other things tew be looked at (at yure
leizure) after you have bought him.
Good hosses are skarse, and good men, that deal in enny kind ov hosses,
are skarser.
Ask a man all about hiz wife and he may tell you, examine him cluss for
a Sunday school teacher and find him all on the square, send him tew the
New York legislature and rejoice that money wont buy him, lend him seven
hundred dollars, in the highway, without witness or note, even swop
dorgs with him with perfekt impunity, but when yu buy a _good family
hoss_ ov him, young, sound, and trew, watch the man cluss, and make up
yure mind besides that you will have tew ask the Lord tew forgive him.
“_An honest man iz the noblest work ov God_,” this famus saying waz
written, in grate anguish ov heart, by the late Alexander Pope, just
after buying _a good family hoss_.
GREAT AGRIKULTURAL HOSS-TROTT.
AT PORDUNK.
_Oct. 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, & 20th._
JOSH BILLINGS, REPORTER.
Agrikultur iz the mother ov provisions; she iz also the grandmother.
If it want for agricultur, thare wouldn’t be enny beans, and if it want
for enny beans, thare wouldn’t be enny suckertash.
Agrikultur waz fust diskovered by Cain, and has been diskovered since to
be an honest way to get a hard living.
Pumpkins owes aul her success tew agrikultur, so duz lettis, and
bukwheat.
The Billingsville agrikultural society opened Oct. ten, and waz a
powerful success.
The reciepts ov the Agrikultural Fair waz upwards ov $30,000 (if mi
memry serves me rite, and i think she duz.)
The Hon. Virgil Bickerstaff, the next agrikultural member ov Congress
from our district, sold the agrikultur pools.
FUST DAY.
A puss ov ten dollars was trotted for by sucking colts, that had never
trotted before for munny.
Thare waz thirteen entries.
Thare waz 60,000 people on the track to witness the rase, (if mi memry
serves me rite, and i think she duz.)
The puss was won amid vociferous exclamashuns by a red colt, and the
waving ov handkerchiefs, with a strip in his face, and the fainting ov
several fust-class females, and one white foot behind.
SEKOND DAY.
It rained like a perpendikular aul day, and no trotting could be had, so
the audience aul went hum, cussing and swaring, and offering tew bet
four tew six on the Pete Tucker colt.
THIRD DAY.
The sun highsted up in the east more butyfuller than I ever saw her
before, (if mi memry serves me rite, and i think she does.)
It waz a fust rate day for agrikultur, or enny other man.
A puss ov 30 dollars waz trotted for, by sum 2 year old colts.
This rase did not attract much affection, on account ov the time being
so slow.
Time, 2 minnits and 38 seconds.
FOURTH DAY.
This waz fur 3 or 4 years old, who hadn’t never beat 2.25.
Thare waz 26 entrys; they couldn’t aul trot tew once, so they took
turns.
This rase waz won after a bitter contest, by Pete Tucker’s colt.
He waz immediately offered a thousand dollars and a fust-rate farm,
well-stocked, for the colt, by three different agrikultural men, but
with a grate deal ov indignant good sense, he skorned to stoop so low.
Pete Tucker, and his whole family, are aul hoss.
FIFTH DAY.
It rained agin like thunder and lightning, and the day waz spent in
betting on the weight ov hosses.
Sevral good hoss-swops waz also did.
One man swopped two hosses fur one; this struck me as a devilish good
thing, but everyboddy else said it waz soft.
At the end ov the fifth day i cum away.
I got so full ov hoss, that ever since when i laff i kant keep from
whinnering.
The fare waz kept up for 10 daze, and sum red hot time waz made.
I think 2 minnits and 10 sekonds waz made, (if my memry serves me rite,
and i think she duz.)
I forgot tew say that thare was two yoke ov oxens on the ground, beside
sevral yokes ov sheep and a pile ov carrots, and some worsted work, but
they didn’t seem to attrakt enny simpathy.
The people hanker fur pure agrikultural hoss-trots.
OATS.
Oats are a singular grain, perhaps I should say plural, bekauze thare iz
more than one ov them.
They gro on the top ov a straw, about two foot, 9 and one quarter inches
hi, and the straw iz holler.
This straw iz interesting for its sukshun.
Short pieces ov it, about 8 inches, or so, dipt into the buzzum ov a
sherry cobbler, will suckshun up the entire cobbler in 4 minnitts, bi
the watch.
I never hav tried this, but i kno lots ov young, and reliable men, who
stand around reddy to prove this, if sum boddy will fetch on the
cobbler.
This suckshun iz sed tew be a ded sure thing.
I hav been told bi a man, who iz a grate traveller, that in the game ov
pharaoh, it iz the “splits” that win.
If this iz true, (reasoning from analogy), I have thought that the
splits in the straw mite be in favour ov the cobbler and agin the
suckshun.
But i aint certain ov this, in fakt i hav lost confidence in most
everything, that haz to be proved, since i got so awfully dizzy, about
four years ago, trieing to prove to the chaplain ov an engine company,
that lager beer waz not intoxikating, but waz full sister to filtered
rane water.
If i had time i would relate more about this circumstanse, but i must
git back onto oats agin.
I like tew see a man stik tite tew hiz text, if he haz to bite into it
to do it.
I should have made a profitable minister az fur az staying with a text
iz concerned, for when i git through with a text, yu kant work what’s
left ov it into ennything else, not even a rag karpet.
Speaking ov rag karpets, brings mi wife tew mi mind.
Mi wife haz got a kind ov hidraphoby, or burning fever ov sum kind, for
rag karpets in the rag, and i don’t have but one pair ov clothes at a
time on this ackount, and theze i put to sleep, under mi pillo, at nite,
when i go tew bed.
She watches mi clothes just az cluss az a mule duz a bistander, and i
hav told all ov mi best friends, if i am ever lost, and kant be found
soon, they may look for me in mi wifes last roll of rag karpet.
[Illustration]
But for all this, i love mi wife with the affeckshun ov a parent, (she
iz sevral years inferior to me in age,) and i had rather be rag karpeted
bi her, than tew be honey fugled, with warm apple sass, bi enny other
woman. But i must git back onto oats agin. Oats gro on the summit ov sum
straw, and are sharp at both ends.
They resemble shu pegs in looks, and build, and it iz sed, are often
mistaken for them by near-sighted hosses and shumakers.
I dont intend this remark az enny derogativeness to shumakers in the
lump, for i hav often sed, in mi inspired moments, if i couldn’t be a
shumaker, i would like to be a good lawyer.
Oats are a phuny grain, 8 quarts of them will make even a stage hoss
laff, and when a stage hoss laffs, you may know he is tickled somewhare.
This iz the natur ov oats as a beverage, they amuze the stummuck ov the
hoss with their sharp ends, and then the hoss laffs.
I hav never saw a hoss laff, but i hav heard that it could be did.
Thare iz a grate menny folks, ov good moral karakter, who wont believe
enny thing unless they kan see it, theze kind of folk are always the
eazyest to cheat.
They wont beleave a rattle snaiks bight iz pizon untill they tri it,
this kind of informashun alwus kosts more than it iz aktually worth.
It iz a middling wize man who proffits bi hiz own experience, but it iz
a good deal wizer one, who lets the rattle-snaik bight the other
phellow.
The Goddess ov korn iz also the the Goddess ov oats, and barley, and
bukwheat.
Her name iz Series, she is a mithological woman, and like menny wimmen
now a daze, she iz hard tew lokate.
Theze mithology men, and wimmin, work well enuff in poetry, whare a good
deal ov lieing dont hurt the sense, but when you cum right down to korn
in the ear, or oats in the bundle, all the gods and goddesses in the
world, kant warrent a good crop.
It takes labor tew raize oats, and thrash them out, but ov all the lazy
cusses that hav pestered the earth, since Adam waz a boy, the gods, and
goddesses, hav always been too lazy to swet.
Enny being who haint never swet, dont kno what he iz worth.
I would like to see a whole parcell ov theze gods, and goddesses, in a
harvest field, reaping lodged oats, in the month of August, they
couldn’t earn their pepper-sass.
Oats are sold bi weight or mezzure, and are seldum (or perhaps i may say
in confidence never) sold by count.
Eggs, and money, are counted out, but oats never.
It would be well for nu beginners to remember this, it would save them a
good deal of time on every hundred bushels ov oats.
Time iz sed tew be the same az money, if this iz positively so,
Methuseler died ritch.
Methuseler waz exackly 999 years old when he died, now multipli this bi
365, which would only be allowing him a dollar a day for hiz time, and
yu will find just what he waz worth.
Oats are worth from 40, to 75 cents a bushel, ackording tew their price,
and aint good for mutch, only tew tickle a hoss.
They will choke a goose to deth quicker than a paper of pins, and enny
thing that will choke a goose to deth (i mean on the internal side ov
their thrut) iz, to say the least ov it, very skarse.
Speaking ov a goose, i hav found out at last what makes them so tuff, it
iz staying out so mutch in the cold.
I found this out all alone by miself.
Oats are a very eazy krop tew raize.
All yu hav got to do, to raize sum oats, iz to plough the ground deep,
then manure it well, then sprinkle the oats all over the ground, one in
a place, then worry the ground with a drag all over, then set up nites
tew keep the chickens, and woodchucks out ov them, then pray for sum
rain, then kradle them down with a kradle, then rake them together with
a rake, then bind them up with a band, then stack them up in a stack,
then thrash them out with a flail, then clean them up with a mill, then
sharpen both ends ov them with a knife, then stow them away in a
granery, then spend wet days, and Sundays, trapping for rats, and mice.
It aint nothing but phun tew raize oats--try it.
One ov the best ways tew raize a sure crop ov oats, and tew git a good
price for the crop, iz tew feed 4 quarts ov them tew a shanghi rooster
then murder the rooster suddenly, and sell him for 25 cents a pound,
crop and all.
* * * * *
A LAFF.
Men who never laff, may have good hearts, but they are deep
seated,--like sum springs, they hav their inlet and outlet from below,
and show no sparkling bubble on the brim.
I don’t like a gigler, this kind ov laff iz like the dandylion, a feeble
yeller, and not a bit ov good smell about it.
It iz true that enny kind of a laff iz better than none,--but giv me the
laff that looks out ov a man’s eyes fust, to see if the coast is clear,
then steals down into the dimple ov his cheek, and rides in an eddy
thare awhile, then waltzes a spell, at the korners ov his mouth, like a
thing ov life, then busts its bonds ov buty, and fills the air for a
moment with a shower ov silvery tongued sparks,--then steals bak, with a
smile, to its liar, in the harte, tew watch agin for its prey,--this is
the kind ov laff that i luv, and aint afrade ov.
PASHUNCE OV JOB.
Evryboddy iz in the habit ov bragging on Job, and Job did hav
konsiderable bile pashunce, that’s a fac, but did he ever keep a distrik
skule for 8 dollars a month, and borde ’round?
Did he ever reap lodged oats down hill in a hot da, and hav all hiz
gallus buttons bust oph at once?
Did he ever hav the jumpin teethake, and be made tu tend baby while hiz
wife was over tu Perkinses tu a tea squall?
Did he ever git up in the morning awful dri and turf it 3 miles befoar
brekfast tu git a drink, and find that the man kep a tempranse hous?
Did he ever undertaik tu milk a kicking hefer with a bushy tail, in fli
time, out in a lot?
Did he ever sot down onto a litter ov kittens in the old rockin cheer,
with hiz summer pantyloons on without saing “damnashun!”
If he cud du all theze things, and praze the Lord at the same time, all
i hav got tu sa, iz, _Bully for Job!_
* * * * *
[Illustration]
FRIDAY.--Visited mi washwoman, and blowed her up for sewing ruffles and
tucks onto the bottom ov mi drawers. She was thunderstruck at fust, but
explained the mystery by saying, “she had sent me a pair, by mistake,
that belonged to * * * *;” I blushed like a biled lobster, and told her
she couldn’t be too keerful about such things; i might hav bin ruined
for life.
THE GAME OF YEWKER.
This ill-bred game ov kards is about 27 years old.
It was fust diskovered by the deck hands on a lake Erie steam Boat, and
handed down by them tew posterity in awl its juvenile beauty.
It is generally played by 4 persons and owes mutch ov its absorbingness
tew the fackt that yu kan talk, and drink, and chaw, and cheat while the
game is advancing.
I have seen it played on the Hudson River Railroad, in the smoking cars,
with more immaculate skill than ennywhare else.
If yu play thare, yu will often hold a hand that will astonish you,
quite often 4 queens and a 10 spot, which will inflame you to bate 7 or
8 dollars that it is a good hand tew play poker with; but you will be
more astonished when you see the other feller’s hand, which invariably
consists ov 4 kings and a one spot.
Yewker is a mollatto game, and don’t compare tew old sledge in majesty,
enny more than the game ov pin does to a square church raffle.
I never play yewker.
I never would learn how, out ov principle.
I was originally created cluss to the Connektikut line, in Nu England,
whare the game ov 7 up, or old sledge, was born, and exists now in awl
its pristine virginity.
I play old sledge, tew this day, in its natiff fierceness.
But I won’t play enny game, if I know my charakter whare a jack will
take an ace, and a ten spot won’t count game.
I won’t play no such kind ov a game, out ov respekt to old Connekticut,
mi natiff place.
BEER.
I hav finally com tew the konclusion, that _lager beer_ iz not
intoxikatin.
I hav been told so bi a german, who sed he had drank it aul nite long,
just tew tri the experiment, and was obliged tew go home entirely sober
in the morning. I hav seen this same man drink sixteen glasses, and if
he was drunk, he was drunk in german, and noboddy could understand it.
It iz proper enuff tew state, that this man kept a lager-beer saloon,
and could have no object in stating what want strictly thus.
I beleaved him tew the full extent ov mi ability. I never drank but 3
glasses ov lager beer in mi life, and that made my hed untwist, as tho
it was hung on the end ov a string, but i was told that it was owing tew
my bile being out ov place, and I guess that it was so, for I never
biled over wuss than i did when I got home that nite. Mi wife was afrade
i was agoing tew die, and i was almoste afrade i shouldn’t, for it did
seem az tho evrything i had ever eaten in mi life, was cuming tew the
surface, and i do really beleave, if mi wife hadn’t pulled oph mi boots,
just az she did, they would have cum thundering up too.
Oh, how sick i was! it was 14 years ago, and i kan taste it now.
I never had so much experience, in so short a time.
If enny man should tell me that lager beer was not intoxikating, i
should beleave him; but if he should tell me that i want drunk that
nite, but that my stummuk was only out ov order, i should ask him tew
state over, in a few words, just how a man felt and akted when he was
well set up.
If i want drunk that nite, i had sum ov the moste natural simptoms a man
ever had, and keep sober.
In the fust place, it was about 80 rods from whare i drank the lager,
tew my house, and i was over 2 hours on the road, and had a hole busted
thru each one ov mi pantaloon kneeze, and didn’t hav enny hat, and tried
tew open the door by the bell-pull, and hickupped awfully, and saw
evrything in the room tryin tew git round onto the back side ov me, and
in setting down onto a chair, i didn’t wait quite long enuff for it tew
git exactly under me, when it was going round, and i sett down a little
too soon, and missed the chair by about 12 inches, and couldn’t git up
quick enuff tew take the next one when it cum, and that ain’t aul; mi
wife sed i waz az drunk az a beast, and az i sed before, i begun tew
spit up things freely.
[Illustration]
If lager beer iz not intoxikating, it used me almighty mean, that i kno.
Still i hardly think lager beer iz intoxikating, for i hav been told so,
and i am probably the only man living, who ever drunk enny when hiz bile
want plumb.
I don’t want tew say ennything against a harmless tempranse bevridge,
but if i ever drink enny more it will be with mi hands tied behind me,
and mi mouth pried open.
I don’t think lager beer iz intoxikating, but if i remember right, i
think it tastes to me like a glass with a handle on one side ov it, full
ov soap suds that a pickle had bin put tew soak in.
LAUGHING.
It never haz been proved, that enny ov the animal kreation hav attempted
tew laff, (we are quite certain that none hav succeded;) thus this
deliteful episode and pleasant power appears tew be entirely within the
province ov humans.
It iz the language ov infancy--the eloquense ov childhood,--and the
power tew laff is the power to be happy.
It is becoming tew awl ages and conditions; and (with the very few
exceptions, sakred tew sorrow) an honest, hearty laff iz always
agreeable and in order.
It iz an index ov karakter, and betrays sooner than words.--Laffing
keeps oph sickness, and haz conquered az menny diseases az ever pills
have, and at mutch less expense.--It makes flesh, and keeps it in its
place. It drives away weariness and brings a dream ov sweetness tew the
sleeper.--It never iz covetous.--It ackompanys charity, and iz the
handmaid ov honesty.--It disarms revenge, humbles pride, and iz the
talisman ov kontentment.--Sum have kalled it a weakness--a substitute
for thought, but really it strengthens wit, and adorns wisdum,
invigorates the mind, gives language ease, and expreshun elegance.--It
holds the mirror up tew beauty; it strengthens modesty, and makes virtew
heavenly.
It iz the light ov life; without it we should be but animated ghosts.
It challenges fear, hides sorrow, weakens despair, and carries haff ov
poverty’s bundles.--It costs nothing, comes at the call, and leaves a
brite spot behind.--It iz the only index ov gladness, and the only buty
that time kannot effase.--It never grows old; it reaches from the cradle
clear tew the grave.
Without it, love would be no pashun, and fruition would show no joy.--It
iz the fust and the last sunshine that visits the heart; it was the warm
welkum ov Eden’s lovers, and was the only capital that sin left them tew
begin bizzness with outside the Garden ov Paradise.
THE ADVENT NO. 2.
The seckund adventists, and adventisses, are a people ov slo growth, but
remarkabel vigor and grate endurance. They have been to work, with both
hands, for about thirty years, to mi knowledge, in bringing this world
tew her milk; and tho often outfigured in the arithmetick ov events,
they rub out the slate, and begin agin.
Like all other moral enthusiasts for right or wrong, they tap the bible
for their nourishment, and several times, so they say, hav only missed
in their kalculations, but about two inches, which iz mighty cluss for
so big a thing.
The time haz bin sott, at least a dozen times since i hav bin an
inhabitant in this country, and when i waz a boy, az tender, and az
green az celery, i kan rekolekt with mi memory, ov having awful
palpitations in the naberhood ov the knee-pans, upon one ov the eventful
days, and crawled under the barn, not to be in the way.
But az i grew older--if i didn’t gro enny wizer--I had the satisfackshun
ov growing bigger, and more less afrade ov advents.
I cum tew the konklusion, sum time since, that Divine Providence treated
the world, without enny ov the succor or scientifick attainments ov man,
and he probably would be able to destroy it in the same way.
[Illustration]
I hav alwus thought, judgeing from what little i hav bin able tew pick,
that waz lieing around loose, ov man’s internal natur, thet if the world
hadn’t bin bilt, before man waz, he probably wouldn’t hav bin satizfied
if he couldn’t hav put in hiz lip.
Man iz an uneazy kritter, and luvs tew tell how things ought tew be bilt
and haz got jist impudence enuff tew offer his valuable services tew the
Lord espeshily in the way ov advice.
Now I am confidently ov the opinyun that the world will sumtime be
knocked out ov time; it hain’t got the least partickle ov immotality
about it, that I hav bin able tew diskover, it iz az certain tew di az
man iz, and i think enny boddy, who will take slate, and pencil, and
straddle a chair calmly, and cypher out the earth’s death to day, iz no
wizer; nor less imprudent and wicked, than if he figgured on hiz nabors
phunneral, and then blabbed it all around town.
The bible that i was brought up on, sez: “that the son of man cometh
like a thief in the night,” and evry boddy knows, that the fust
intimashun we hav ov a thief’s visit iz, that he haz been here, and
left.
Thare iz a large share ov the students, in the secund advent dokter
stuff, that are pupils ov pitty, they cum into this world, not only
naked, but without enny brains, nor enny place suitable tew put enny,
the fust bizzness, ov enny consequence they do, iz to begin to wonder,
and it ain’t long before the phool nuss picks them up, and givs them a
stiddy job.
This iz the way the common adventer iz made, and if he aint a stool
pidgeon for life in the second advent speckulashun, he iz in sum other
cuming thing, with a hole in the bottom ov it, for enny man who iz eazy
to phool, loves to be phooled.
The fust originators ov phalse doktrines, are most alwus dupes tew their
own ignorance, but if the doctrine seems tew he a hit, then yu will see
men ov brains, who ought tew be ashamed ov sich wickedness, take the
masheen bi the crank, and run it.
I dont know whether Mr. Miller waz the inventor ov this seckond advent
abortion or not, but if he waz, i will bet a haff pint ov peenuts, and
pay whether i win or lose, that he waz a phatt, lazy old simpleton who
lived on a back road, az ignorant ov the bible az a kuntry hoss doktor
iz ov medicin.
I am alwus reddy tew pitty, and forgiv a phool, espeshily when he dont
step on enny boddy but himself.
Thare iz one thing about theze enthusiasts that iz phair, and rather
remarkable for humbuggers, they destroy themselfs, az well az the rest
ov us, at the same pop.
Mi opinyun iz, if the worl should consent tew cum tew an end, to suit
their reckoning, they would be az skared a sett ov carpet-baggers, az yu
could find, and be the fust ones to say, that the figgures had lied.
I am willing tew dubble mi haff pint bet ov peenuts, and make it a pint,
that thare aint a Millerite now living, nor ever agoing tew liv, whom yu
could git tew take 87 1-2 cents in change for a dollar greenback, or who
would giv a dubble price for a breakfasst, on the morning ov the day
that iz sott for the worlds destrukshun.
Enthusiasm, and seckond adventism, iz cheap, but a dollar iz wuth the
face ov it.
Oh! impudence, whare iz thy sting! Oh! pholly, whare iz thy viktory!
QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS.
Qu.--How fast will the “_come-ing man_” probably travel?
Ans.--It iz unpossibul tew say, but if he kant beat 2:25, he’d better
stay whare he is, for there is no glory left for a slow cuss, in these
parts, but to run foot races with the crab family.
Qu.--What are yure centiments in regard tew southern rekonstrukshun?
Ans.--In mi opinyun, the best kind ov rekonstrukshun for the South, iz
to be born agin.
Qu.--What iz the most karniverous animal?
Ans.--Death.
Qu.--What iz the eaziest thing tew digest?
Ans.--A good joke.
Qu.--Do yu think that females kan ever praktiss medicine suckcessfully?
Ans.--Whi not! they kan beat the world bleeding a pocket book.
Qu.--Iz thare ennything that iz proof against ridikule?
Ans.--Nothing that i kno ov, except fashion, and musketoze.
Qu.--Iz it proper tew speak tew a lady acquaintance in the street fust,
or last?
Ans.--I should think fust, for they tell me that wimmin will hav the
last word.
Qu.--Who are the only real temperance folks in the world?
Ans.--The Greenlanders, whiskey never thaws out thare.
Qu.--Iz it proper under enny circumstances tew use the word _Damn_ as a
tonick?
Ans.--It might possibly be proper, in speaking ov a river that waz dry
eleven months in the year, to state carefully that it wasn’t worth a
dam.
Qu.--What iz one ov the principal dutys we owe to our country?
Ans.--The customs.
Qu.--Dew you beleave in the mirakel ov Pharaoh and hiz hosts, being
drank up by the Red see?
Ans.--I do; and i would like tew see the same old mirakel tried over
agin ov faro and hiz hosts, in New York city.
Qu.--Which do yu konsider the most general pashun ov the humin heart?
Ans.--The luv ov applauze; it sticks tew evryboddy during life, and
repeats itself on the tumestun.
Qu.--If yu waz _blest!_ with a boy, which ov the lernt profeshions would
yu dedikate him to?
Ans.--The shumakers.
Qu.--Iz thare enny rule to obtain long life?
Ans.--Only one; liv virtuously; a good life, if ever so short, kasts a
lengthning shaddo back upon time, and forward into eternity.
Qu.--Which do yu kount the happyest time in a man’s life?
Ans.--Immediately after he haz did a square thing.
Qu.--Is whiskee a tonick?
Ans.--No, it iz an alterative; it alters dollars into pence, and men
into bruits.
Qu.--Iz revenge a viktory?
Ans.--Kill a hornet after he haz stung yu, and see if the wound heals
enny quicker.
Qu.--Don’t you think that nearly awl the shrewd sayings and snug fitting
maxims, in support ov morality, and for the scourgeing ov vice and
pholly are simply a rehash ov what haz been written long ago bi the
ancients?
Ans.--I do, but that iz no argument aginst their reputation; thare iz
just az mutch use for phisick now az thare was when kaster ile waz fust
invented.
Qu.--What is the difference between a mistake and a blunder?
Ans.--When a man sets down a poor umbrella and takes up a good one he
makes a mistake, but when he sets down a good umbrella and takes up a
poor one he makes a blunder.
Qu.--If i couldn’t hav but one thing, what dew yu think it would be?
Ans.--Kontentment, for with that i could buy awl the rest.
Qu.--Which do yu think iz the best representative man, the lively or the
sorry Christian?
Ans.--Thare aint nothing in mi praktiss so hard tew judge ov az pius
heft, but i don’t think the Lord ever takes the length of a man’s face
for a suit of heavenly clothes; he measures the soul.
Qu.--What iz the best cure for love?
Ans.--Tew liv on it.
Qu.--What iz the best cure for pride?
Ans.--A fall on the ice before folks.
Qu.--What iz a sik old bachelor like?
Ans.--A cocoon.
Qu.--What iz an excuse?
Ans.--The finesse ov reason.
Qu.--What iz the difference between Saratoga and Long Branch?
Ans.--At Saratoga it iz to go in full dress; at Long Branch it iz to
undress and go in.
Qu.--Where do the vain go tew when they die?
Ans.--A barber’s shop.
LONG BRANCH, SARATOGA, AND LAKE GEORGE.
Theze three places are wet spots.
I visited them all during the past seazon, and kant be mistaken about
this.
Upon my arrival at Long Branch, i commenced at once tew drink the water,
but it did not answer mi expektashun.
I like lemonade, and milk puntch, and sum sider, but mineral water aint
mi fort.
I think the water at Long Branch iz too psalt.
I noticed that most ov the people went out into the water sum ways from
the shore, the water may taste more fresh out thare.
I laid down on mi flat stummuk, cluss tew the edge ov the water, and
drank sum.
[Illustration: LONG BRANCH, SARATOGA, AND LAKE GEORGE.]
But the folks that waz out in the water got on a frolik, and pushed the
water into the shore so mutch that it went all over me.
This waz looked upon az kussid smart, and every boddy laffed.
I did not see enny thing phunny in it, and so i didn’t laff.
The water at Long Branch iz verry plenty, and will last for menny years
to cum, if they are saving ov it. They told me that the water at Long
Branch waz good for the fidgit, and the conipshun.
I think if the water waz strained, and the mineral got out ov it, i
might worry down sum ov it.
I took a jug ov the water home, and tried it on mi aunt, who haz a
fidgit once in a while, but she didn’t hanker for it but once.
I sent a vial ov it tew our minister, and the next Sunday hiz text waz,
“if psalt has lost its saver, whare shall it be psalted.”
While i waz at Long Branch i think thare waz more than a millyun ov
people cum and went, and i didn’t hear one ov them find enny phalt with
the taste ov the water.
I shall go down thare next spring early, and stay thare till i learn how
tew like the water.
While at Long Branch i put up at the Continental hotel, which iz handy
to the water.
This hotel is 7 hundred feet long, and one hundred and sixty-five feet
thick, and the water iz lokated just about in front ov the middle ov the
hotel.
The landlord ov this hotel iz a very clever phellow, and told me he had
kept the house 5 years, and couldn’t drink the water yet with mutch
suckcess.
His name iz W. H. Borrows, and i reckomend him to all who are in search
ov a landlord.
I went from Long Branch to Saratoga immejiately and begun to drink.
I don’t think the water at Saratoga iz so mineral az at Long Branch.
I staid at Saratoga four weeks, and worked away at the water all the
time.
The more i drinkt, the less i wanted to.
The water ain’t so numerous at Saratoga, az it iz at Long Branch, and
that iz the reason whi they bottle it.
I stopt at the Grand Union Hotel while at Saratoga, and noticed several
people thare.
This hotel iz kept by the _Lelands_, and iz kept just az i should keep
hotel, if i waz a going tew keep one.
I always thought it waz dredful easy to keep a good hotel, and after
staying 4 weeks at the Grand Union I know it iz.
The clerks at this hotel are a hansum set ov phellows and they all told
me they knew how to drink the water.
I shall cum here next summer and stop at this same hotel, if they will
let me, and i shall keep comeing year after year, until i learn how to
finally drink the water.
From Saratoga i went to Lake George.
I went by the Adirondax ralerode, and found it a most delitesum route,
besides being mutch the cheapest.
One reason ov this waz bekauze the superintendant ov the rode presented
me with a pass to go and cum.
I kan say to all who are going to Lake George to drink the waters, yu
had better go by the Adirondax route yu will git less dust and more
shade; yu will find good stages, jolly drivers, kind agents, and just az
like az not, a free pass for yourself and wife.
I reached Lake George in time to drink before dinner, and couldn’t taste
enny psalt in the water.
I waz suprized at this, and concluded i had injured mi taste.
I tried the water the next morning, and found them still unsalty, and
paid mi bill, and left.
The landlord asked me, with tears in hiz eyes, what waz the matter, and
i whispered in hiz ear that the water lakt psalt.
He begged mi pardon, and offered tew fix sum for me.
I left Lake George with the firm convikshun that the water iz too fresh
tew be proffitable.
Sumthing was sed tew me about the scenery around Lake George being so
fine; but i didn’t go for scenery, i went for water.
After spending eleven weeks ov pure, unspekeled happiness, i find miself
at hum agin, feeling like a birde, but a leetle water-soaked.
I shall start in a phew days for Utaw, and shall spend the winter thare,
and praktiss on the waters.
I am told that the waters at psalt lake are more substanshall tew drink
than enny others.
I shall visit Brigham Young while i am thare, and study pollygamy.
If pollygamy iz a blessing, the quicker we all find it out the better.
I forgot to state that i saw one man at Saratoga drink 9 glasses ov
mineral water konsekutiff. They sed he waz a sailor--a regular old
psalt.
I also saw one man at Long Branch drink more water than he could
swaller. He cum very near drounding to deth.
But thare iz excepshuns tew the general rule.
SUM VEGETABEL HISTORY.
The strawberry is one ov natur’s sweet pets.
She makes them worth fifty cents, the fust she makes, and never allows
them tew be sold at a mean price.
The culler ov the strawberry iz like the setting sun under a thin cloud,
with a delicate dash of the rain bo in it; its fragrance iz like the
breath ov a baby, when it fust begins tew eat wintergreen lossingers;
its flavor is like the nektar which an old-fashioned goddess used tew
leave in the bottom ov her tumbler, when Jupiter stood treat on Mount
Ida.
There iz menny breeds ov this delightful vegetable, but not a mean one
in the whole lot.
I think i have stole them, laying around loose, without enny pedigree,
in sumboddy’s tall grass, when I waz a lazy schoolboy, that eat dredful
easy, without enny white sugar on them, and even a bug occasionally
mixed with them in the hurry of the moment.
Cherrys are good, but they are too mutch like sucking a marble, with a
handle tew it.
Peaches are good, if yu don’t git enny ov the pin-feathers into yure
lips.
Watermelons will suit ennyboddy who iz satisfied with halfsweetened
drink; but the man who can eat strawberrys besprinkled with crushed
shuggar, and besmattered with sweet cream, (at sumboddy else’s expense),
and not lay hiz hand on hiz stummuk, and thank the author ov strawberrys
and stummuks, iz a man with a worn-out conscience--a man whose mouth
tastes like a hole in the ground, that don’t care what goes down it.
* * * * *
NEW ASHFORD.
The village ov New Ashford iz lokated in the state ov Massachusetts, and
iz about 150 miles west ov Plymouth rok.
It iz one ov them towns that dont make enny fuss, but for pure water,
pure morals, and good rye, and injun bread, it stands on tiptoze.
It waz settled soon after the landing ov the pilgrims, bi sum ov that
party, and like all the Nu England towns, waz, at one time, selebrated
for its stern religious creed, and its excellent rum and tanzy.
It may seem a leetle strange, tew these latter day saints, tew hear me
mix up rum and religion together, but i had an Unkle, who preached God’s
word in the next town south ov New Ashford, 80 years ago, who died in
due time, and went to heaven.
This genial old saint alwus took, on week daze, three magnificent horns
ov rum and tanzy, and Sundaze he took four.
I hav no doubt it lengthened out hiz time, and braced up hiz faith.
But i wouldn’t advise enny ov the yung klergy ov to-day tew meddle with
rum and tanzy, az a fertilizer.
The tanzy iz all rite--it grows az green and az bitter az ever; for man
kant adulturate it, but the rum haz bin bedeviled into rank pizon.
One sich horn az mi old unkle used tew absorb between hiz sermons on
Sunday (5 inches, good and strong) would disfranchise a whole drove ov
preachers now.
In them daze, the preacher waz a stalwart man, and could mo his swarth
in the hay field, with the best ov them, and could ride a hard trotting
cob or a hoss, 6 miles an hour, all day, akrost the mountains, and set
doun at night, to biled pork and kabbage, and kold injun puddin, and
after thanking the Lord for his menny mersys, eat hiz way klean to the
middle ov the table.
But times, and men, hav altered, and so haz rum and tanzy.
I dont want them good old times tew cum back agin, we aint pure enuff
now tew stand them, neither are we tuff enuff.
Our virtews may be az pure in the eyes ov heaven, but they kant stand
the biled pork, and rum, ov one hundred years ago.
We are told that mankind are growing weaker and wizer; weaker i admit,
but wisdum that is gained at the expense ov simplicity may be a doubtful
gain.
I never hav met an old man yet, who didn’t mourn the degeneracy ov the
times.
Wisdum don’t konsist in knowing more that iz new, but in knowing less
that iz false.
But, dear Mr. ----, i will now git back tew whare i am, and tell yu
sumthin about New Ashford.
If yu luv a mountain, cum up here and see me.
Right in front ov the little tavern, whare i am staying, rizes up a
chunk ov land, that will make yu feel weak tew look at it.
I hav bin on its top, and far above waz the brite blu ski, without a
kloud swimming in it, while belo me the rain shot slanting on the
valley, and the litening played its mad pranks.
How is this for hi?
But what a still place this New Ashford iz.
At sunrize the roosters crow all around, once apiece; at sunset the cows
cum hollering home tew be milked; and at twilite out steal the krickets,
with a song, the burden ov which seems sad and weary.
This iz all the racket thare iz in New Ashford. It iz so still here that
you can hear a feather drop from a blujay’s tail.
Out ov this mountain, squeezed bi the weight ov it, leaks a little brook
ov water, and up and down this brook each day i loiter.
In mi hand i hav a short pole, on the end ov the pole a short line, on
the line a sharp hook, looped on the hook a grub, or a worm.
Every now and and then thare cums dancing out ov this little brook a
live trout no longer than yure finger, but az sweet az a stick ov kandy,
and in he goes at the top ov mi baskit.
This iz what i am here for; trout for breakfast, trout for dinner and
trout for supper.
I am az happy and az lazy az a yerling heifer.
I hav not a kare on mi mind, not an ake in mi boddy.
I haven’t read a nuzepaper for a week, and wouldn’t read one for a
dollar.
[Illustration]
I shall stay here till mi munny givs out, and shall cum bak tew the
senseless crash ov the city, with a tear in mi eye, and holes in both ov
mi boots.
This world iz phull ov fun, but most pholks look too hi for it.
On one side ov this mountain they say thare iz rattlesnaix, on that side
of the mountain, iz whare i dont go.
I am just az fraid ov a snaix as a woman iz, i had rather meet the
devil, ennytime, on a bust, than a three foot snaik. A striped snaik in
the morning spiles the rest ov that day for me.
I am coming home, dear Friends in two months, and then i will set down,
in yure little sanktum, and whisper to you.
It iz so still here, that a whisper sounds loud; a still noize iz
another name, i beleave, for happiness. The bible sez: “_peace, be
still_.”
The fust thing i do in the morning, when i git up, iz tew go out and
look at the mountain, and see if it iz thare, if this mountain should go
away, how lonesum i should be.
Yesterday i picked one quart ov field strawberrys, kaught 27 trout, and
gathered a whole parcell ov wintergreen leaves, a big daze work.
When i got home last night tired, no man kould hav bought them ov me for
700 dollars, but i suppoze, after all, that it waz the _tired_ that waz
wuth the munny.
Thare is a grate deal ov raw bliss, in gitting tired.
Dear Mr. ----, good-bye, it iz now 9 oclk, P. M., and every thing, in
New Ashford, iz fast asleep, inkluding the krickets, I will just step
out and see if the mountain iz thare, and then I will go to bed too.
Oh! the bliss ov living up in New Ashford, cluss bi the side ov a grate
giant mountain tew guard yu, whare every thing iz az still as a boys tin
whissell at midnite, a musketo couldn’t liv long enuff tew take one
bite, whare board iz only 4 dollars a week, and everyboddy, kats and
all, at 9 clok, P. M., are fast asleep, and snoreing.
BENDS.
Historians and biographers having refused tew giv enny transparent
account ov the various _Bends_ that hav got into things, us naturalists
have passed a resolushun tew take them up az a kind ov estrays, and tew
treat of them in a joyful and flexible manner.
The most butiful, az well az truest bilt _Bend_, in this grate
republick, iz the rainbow.
For the informashun ov the scholler we shall simply state that this
_Bend_ iz only seen in the east, and haz not yet reached the west, altho
the enterprising people who liv in thoze parts undoubtedly will soon hav
them, on a mutch bigger and improved plan.
_Bends_ are both natral and artyfishall, and among the natral ones it
will, perhaps, be well enuff tew menshun north _Bend_, in the State ov
Ohio, the home ov General Harrison, formerly a President ov the grate
republick; and also south _Bend_, in the State ov Indiana, the residence
ov Schuyler Colfax, who, while i am putting down these remarks, iz
running very fast for the Vice Presidency ov this grate republick with a
certainty ov winning that iz butiful tew behold.
(Later--He haz won.)
Another wonderful and awe-inspiring _Bend_ in this grate republick is
the political _Bend_.
This _Bend_ iz az common and az limber az the figger 8.
It kan stand on her hed, or on her feet, or lay down on her side, and be
the same thing all the time.
It kan turn a summerset over backwards, or back a summersett over
forwards.
Menny ov our most noble pollyticians hav bent theirselfs in diffrent
spots so often that they travel like a sick snake.
Thare iz one little _Bend_, prakticed bi both old and young men, that
haz opened the way for more anguish than awl the other crooks in the
world put in a heap together, i mean the elbo _Bend_, that cauzes the
mout tew fly apart on its hinges, and let the burglar whiskee tew rob
the brain ov its patrimony reazon, and illuminate the soul with the
torchlights ov the devil.
In life matrimonial we hav the conjugaler _Bend_, which brings a man
down on the hard pan ov hiz knees, and makes him az eazy, and
interesting tew handle as a rat in a steel trap.
This iz a good _Bend_ tew take once in a while, but never ought tew git
chronick.
This puts me in mind tew soliliquize az follows:--a household, with a
woman at the top ov it, and a man at the bottom ov it, iz one ov thoze
concerns whare the wife haz authority without power, whare the yung ones
are sassy without reproach, and whare the husband iz meek without
virtew.
In fashionabel life a new _Bend_ haz just appeared, (August 19th, 1868,)
which iz under the patronage ov both genders, the fop and the belle.
This iz a dorsal _Bend_ near the back fin, and gives the wearers ov it,
when in moshun, the appearance ov a hen turkey making for a woodshed in
a heavy shower ov rain.
I kno ov no meaning or apology for this crook, only the name ov it, it
iz called the Grecian _Bend_, which iz expekted tew sanktify it.
I don’t kno how the present inhabitants ov Greece do their travelling;
they are about played out, and may be hump backed. But if Solan, the
ancient wisdom maker and law-giver ov Athens, had caught one ov hiz gals
with this gorge in her back, i will bet 10 dollars he would hav ordered
it taken oph with a jack-plane.
How long this knapsack gait will continnew to be fashionabel in New
York, the home ov folly, whare just now it iz being experimented with, i
am unabel tew reply, but i hope not long enuff tew transmit the hump tew
posterity.
I love mi fair yung countrywimmin with a gladness bordering on delirium
tremens, and when a native ov Madagascar, not more than haff civilized,
asked me the other day, on Broadway, what ailed all the yung squaws he
met, i waz forced tew hide a tear, and reply hurriedly, in lo Duch:
“Nix for stix!” and shook oph the Madagaskine cuss quick.
I don’t know ov but one thing now that but few would hanker for, if it
should ever bekum fashionabel again, and that iz good, square, pony-bilt
common sense, without enny _Bend_ in it.
Common sense in these times haz tew beg for a living.
What an awful thing it would be if this Grecian _Bend_ should refuse tew
let go its holt, by-and-by, when sum nu crook in sum other part ov the
boddy should hump itself! What a lot ov unsaleable females we should hav
thrust on the market!
I am in favour ov enny fashion that iz not an open insult tew natur, but
i kant bear tew see natur hit in the small ov the back; it iz a cowardly
blow on an aimabel critter, whose greatest pleasure iz tew harm noboddy.
KOLIDING.
The wurd “kolide,” used bi ralerode men, haz an indefinit meaning tew
menny folks.
Thru the kindness of a nere and dear frend, i am able tew translate the
wurd so that enny man kan understand it at onst.
The term “kolide” is used tew explain the sarkumstanse ov 2 trains ov
cars triing tew pass each uther on a single trak.
[Illustration: TEW LATE FUR THE TRANE.]
It is ced that it never yet haz bin did suckcessfully, hence a “kolide.”
JOSH BILLINGS.
* * * * *
Amerikans love caustick things; they would prefer turpentine tew
colone-water, if they had tew drink either.
So with their relish of humor; they must hav it on the half-shell with
cayenne.
An Englishman wants hiz fun smothered deep in mint sauce, and he iz
willing tew wait till next day before he tastes it.
If you tickle or convince an Amerikan yu hav got tew do it quick.
An Amerikan luvs tew laff, but he don’t luv tew make a bizzness ov it;
he works, eats, and hawhaws on a canter.
I guess the English hav more wit, and the Amerikans more humor.
We havn’t had time, yet, tew bile down our humor and git the wit out ov
it.
Having herd mutch sed about skating parks, and the grate amount ov helth
and muscle they woz imparting tew the present generashun at a slite
advanse from fust cost, i bought a ticket and went within the fense.
I found the ice in a slippery condishun, covering about 5 akers ov
artifishall water, which waz owned bi a stock company, and froze tew
order.
Upon one side ov the pond waz erekted little grosery buildings, where
the wimmen sot on benches while the fellers (kivvered with blushes)
hitched the magick iron tew their feet.
It waz a most exsiting scene: the sun waz in the skey--and the wind waz
in the air--and the birds were in the South--and the snow waz on the
ground--and the ice lay shivering with a bad kold--and angells (ov both
genders) flucktuated past me pro and con, 2 and fro, here a little and
thare a good deal.
It waz a most exsiting scene; I wanted tew holler “Bully” or lay down
and rool over.
But i kept in, and aked with glory.
Helth waz piktured on menny a nobell brow.
Az the femail angells put out ov the pond, side by side with the male
angells, it waz the most powerfull scene i ever stood behind.
The long red tape from their necks swum in the breeze, and the feathers
in their jockeys fluttered in the breeze and other things (tew mutch to
menshun) fluttered in the breeze.
I don’t think i ever waz more crazy before in mi life--on ice.
For 2 long hours i stood and gazed with dum exsitement.
I felt like a kanall hoss turned suddinly out to grass.
I didn’t kno how tew proceed.
[Illustration]
Az one ov the angells, more sudden than all the rest, cum flying down
the trak, 3 lengths ahed ov her male angell, awl eyes ware gorging with
her heavenly bust ov speed; she seemed tew hav cut luce from earth, and
waz bound South, for the Cape ov Good Hope, when awl tew onst, with
gorgous swoop terriffick, down-crumbling into a limpid heap she went
with squeak terriffick, a living lovely mass ov disastrous skirt and
tapring ankle.
Awl gathered around the bursted angell; but lo! in a minnitt’s space,
her wings agin was plumed, and evry feather waz in its lawful plase; and
on she fled laffing like wine thru its buteous blushes.
I had saw enuff--more happyness than belonged tew me--and az i sloly
wended back tew mi home at the tavern i felt--good.--
WRITERS AT SHORT RANGE.
Dear Mr. ---- ---- ----: Your letter to me this morning for more copy
haz given birth to the follering home made refleckshuns upon thoze short
skribblers, who, like miself, infest the virtewous press.
It may look like an eazy task tew thoze who never tried it, tew write a
half a collum ov comik essa each week, and it iz an eazy task to thoze
who never tried it, but to thoze who hav tried it, and who hav even
suckceeded but a few inches, it iz a good deal like lifting things that
are tied down.
In the first place a comik essa must hav a short back, be sharp on the
withers, not tew long legged, kind in all harness, hard to skare, and
able to show 2:40 to a road waggon.
The power ov a comik essa resides in its idea, either original or
admirably stolen, not in its words, strung out lazily like a snake
sunning himself in the sand.
It iz no place for yure short essayer to hide among the debris ov
abstrakted thoughts, or skulk behind a flame colored paragraff, or doze
in recital upon an ebb tide, or hammer out an iron proposishun into
points more or less dull, or quote latin, or bad french, but he must be
az short az a nuzeboy’s prayer, az sudden az the end ov a rope, az quick
az a sneeze, and az brilliant in hiz busts az a ski rocket.
Awl real strength iz short; thinks are broke, or histed with a jerk;
comik essayers must ram pages into paragraffs; wit, or humor, iz
something like ginger pop--thar is about as mutch in the pop, that is
interesting, as thare iz in the ginger.
Theze short essays are like buckwheat slap-jacks; evryboddy seems tew
like them hot, and tew git them hot iz jest where the little joker cums
in.
A lukewarm comik essay haz no more fun in it than a Dutch konumdrum tew
a man who don’t understand the language.
I often git letters from sum of our best philanthropisters, who love me,
thay say, and who wonder whi i don’t write sum longer things. Awl I kan
say tew them iz, that a short bilt writer iz often dull enuff, and a
long bilt one iz necessisarily so. A streak ov lazy lightning, a mile
long, that anyboddy kan dodge, soon loozes awl its novelty.
Thare iz grate power in words, if yu don’t hitch tew menny ov them
together; but their only power iz the interpretashun ov ideas; and the
more ginger you kan git intu the pod the better the dose.
Sum men are never so brilliant as when they don’t make enny remarks, and
no man needn’t git mad at himself bekauze he haz sed a good thing
without wasting a word.
A comik essayer haz got tew have a sprinkling ov the monkey in him; he
must akt sensible things strangely; it iz not an eazy task tew be a good
monkey, nor will it exackly answer tew be an artyfishall monkey; the
deviltry in a monkey iz natral--if it want, it wouldn’t be funny, but
ridikilous.
Az i hav sed on a feuter occasion before, it iz eazier tew be a good
critick, than a poor writer, but i am the last man tew giv enny man
mutch credit, for being able tew find fault.
If enny ov yure readers, Dear Mr. ---- ---- ----, or enny ov the fust
klass philanthropisters or philanthropisterisses, hav got anny spare
kapital lieing idle, they would like tew insert into the comik essa
bizness, i am reddy tew sell out mi small stock, good will and fixtures,
and i will quietly go into the frogs hind legg trade, and at the end ov
90 days, if they don’t find the silver-plated nonsense bizzness harder
tew steer than they think it iz, i will giv them credit for having a
good stock ov brains or impudense, i don’t know whitch.
A man who iz on a jurney, iz expekted tew go slow, and git dull, but if
he iz on an errand he iz expekted tew be lively, it iz jistly thus with
yure long and yure cluss bilt writers.
I hope thoze who take the pain tew read this squiblet, will giv me
credit for writing what i think, if it ain’t so sarching and brilliant,
and i would thank thoze who semioftenly advice me tew pump more power
and doxology into what i write, tew purchase me out and sett up the hot
paragraff trade theirselfs, and giv us wit on the haff-shell,
nitroglycerine humor, fun soaked in kamphene, jests crazy tew go oph at
haff cock, and raw sense that will make a saw-hoss laff.
I am mad that i ever set sail in the comik essa schooner, tew be so
often caught on the flats, and if i could git out of it now and hav enny
karakter at all left i would grab at the offer.
I will stop bi saying that it iz a darn sight eazier tew write too mutch
than it iz too little, and awl comik attempts, must be quick tew win,
for folks wont bear but little phooling at once on enny subjik, and i
say bully for you, folks.
BEAU BENNET’S SUPPLIKASHUN.
Kind Fortune, teach thi servant humility, but let no sneak ov an upstart
outshine him in things that are stylish.
Giv unto me morality copious; and may mi shirt kollars be stiffer than
china and whiter than snoballs in winter.
Smile, thou goddess dear, at mi mustash, and may mi wisdum be
grate--even like unto Solaman’s.
Grant that i may a pattern be, worthy ov all imitashun, and that i able
may be to wear a boot number 5 on these number 10 feet ov mine.
Fill up mi kup tew the brim’s verry top with honor and honesty, and make
mi neckties mine enemies tew smite with sorrow and silent confushion.
Take away from me all vanity, but grant that mi Sunday panterloons may
fit me, even az korn fitteth the kob.
[Illustration]
Remove far from me, O gentle Fortune! all pride and vain ostentashun,
but grant that mi name amung wimmin may ever be spoken in acksents of
gladness.
Make my heart tew glisten with charity, but teach mi taylor and shumaker
how tew wait for their munny and be happy.
Let mi heart feast on the truth, but smile thou upon mi kork leg and
periwig nobby.
Remove far from me all gluttony, but preserve mi appetight for toast
with a quail on it in all its original buty.
Teach me tew shun all decepshun, but help me tew marry a big pile at
last, making sum maiden or yung widdo happy.
Take away from my heart all envy, but grant, kind Fortune, that mi hat
kant be beat, nor the lavender tint ov mi gloves be exceeded.
Fill me with courage true and reddy, but if enny man offers tew smote
me, giv tew mi feet the fleetness ov venson and mi legs the speed ov the
roebuck.
Remove all affektashun far from me, but enable me tew keep up
appearances, if i hav tew cheat a little tew do it.
Abuv all things with modesty shower me. Yea! make me all dripping wet,
but don’t let me looze a good chance mi nu koat tew spread before the
eyes ov men filled with envy.
Make me at all times ov the poor heathen thoughtful, at church not
forgetting the platter tew annoint with a 10 cent plaster.
Remove from me all gra hares, and pimples, all bunyons, and korns
pestiverous, and grant that mi calfs may still fatten on saw durst, and
mi cheeks feed upon plumpers, and mi harte ever buble and bile over with
mersy.
Teach me mi kane tew whirl so pekuliar, and my mustash tew twist into
such long draun out sweetness that all the people shall kall me “_Yung
Purity_.”
Smile thou! upon all hatters and barbers, all shirt-makers and gloviers,
all perfumers and dentists, all wash-wimmin and shu blaks, and forgiv
them the dets i may owe them, and kauze me tew weep over man and hiz
menny misfortins.
Bless all maids ov estate, all widdo’s with munny, all mothers ov
fashion with dauters tew marry, all good matches laying around loose,
but chiefly giv me a conshience full ov aroma.
Lengthen out, kind Fortune, the days ov mi unkle, but should he slip
away sudden, bow me down with sorrow bekuming.
Listen! dear Fortune, listen!--giv me the style ov heart breaking
Adonis, let the virtews all seek mi acquaintanse, and feed with nu fires
exquisit the soltaire that burns on mi buzzum.
I will raize thee an alter, kind Fortune, an alter az hi az a lamp post,
if theze mi prayers are answered--farewell for the present--don’t go
back on Beau Bennett, the butiful!!
A LEKTURE TO MALE YOUNG MEN ONLY.
Yu are about 2 begin life, yung men, for the fust time, and i suppose
thare wud be no impropriety in mi saing for the last time tew.
It is hily important or thereabouts, that yu set down in sum kool plase,
and take an honest akount ov stok, or in other wurds, less poetick but
equally tru, yu sarch out the ramifikashun ov natur, and see what natur
haz ramified yu for.
Now Skriptur will tell yu, that men don’t gether pigs from thissels,
neither dus the husband, nor hiz wife, nor enny ov his relashuns, plant
korn when tha are after pumpkins, nor sow bukwheat, when he iz a lookin
for old rye.
[Illustration]
Kauze and affeck iz anuther awful good thing to studdy; yu will find
this talked ov in Dan Webster’s dicktionary.
Having follered the above advise, and having hefted the above reasoning,
yu will cum tew the konklusion whether it iz best for yu tu studdy law
or studdy shumaking, both ov them honerabil biznisses, and equally
kondusiv tew helth.
Yu will also be enabled tew bet with dispatch, whether yu hav a kall,
tew preach the gospil, or sel yankee noshuns at auction, both ov them
respektuous, if honestla follared, and both ov them liabel tew be led
estra, and end at laste in the bronkeetis.
The studdy ov medisin will present itself and flap its wings and crow,
but it kant fule yu, bekause yu have sot down, as rekomended above, and
tuk akount ov yure liabilitys, and kno tew a spot whether yu air
konstructed rite for a veteran surgeon amung hosses, or hav the rite
natur for dealing out kalamil & gallup amung men, wimmin & childrin.
Yu will likewize hav it in yure power tew gess clussly between being a
kolporter or keeping a billiard tabil; if yu find that yure goose iz
morally sound, yu will itinerate at onst, but if yu diskiver a leak in
yure base, yu will take up yure cue, naturally & akordinly.
Selling dri goods and blaksmithing wil klaim yure especial notis, and
wil bother yu dredfully for a verdik; but if yu find yu hav kalico on
the brain, & aint afraid tew stretch the cloth & the truth a little,
when yu mezure it, yu will straddle the kounter like an ingyrubber
clothes pin, and smile on yure kustomers like a sleeping babe trubbled
with dreams.
Yu wil, without doubt, be asked tu sa whether yu wil be a pollytisian or
a blakleg, both equally honorabil.
If yu hav enny reasonable douts about cheatin yure moste intimate
friends, and aint willing tew be seen in low grogerys on lecktion daze,
buying votes with cheap whiska and kounterfit munny, and dont expek tew
buy elekshun, and then sell yure principles tew git even; if yu kant go
this, and tend awl the churches near yu in rotashun, and hear folks sa,
“What an ornyment to sosiety he iz!” i sa, if yu kant go all this
without blushing, yu will ov course adopt the blakleg, and gain an
honest living bi cheatin on the square.
Yung men yu will awl detek in this lekture a frendla feeling towards yu
bi the author, and if yu foller the direckshuns laid down above, yu wil
diskiver the wiggling ov yure genius, in time perhaps, tew saive
yureselfs from cuming the gove nor ov sum state, when natur kindly
ramified yu for a carpenter and jiner.
FEMALE REMARKS.
Dear Girls, are yu in sarch ov a husband?
This is a pumper, and y u are not required tew say “Yes” out loud, but
are expekted tew throw yure eyes down onto the earth, az tho yu waz
looking for a pin, and reply tew the interrogatory, with a kind ov
draud-in sigh, az tho yu waz eating an oyster, juice and all, off from
the half shell.
Not tew press so tender a theme untill it bekums a thorn in the flesh,
we will presume (tew avoid argument) that yu are on the look-out for
sumthing in the male line tew boost yu in the up-hill ov life, and tew
keep hiz eye on the britching when yu begin tew go down the other side
of the mountain. Let me give yu sum small chunks ov advice how tew spot
yure fewter hussband:
1. The man who iz jellous ov every little attenshun which yu git from
sum other fellow, yu will find, after yu are married tu him, luvs
himself more than he duz yu, and what yu mistook for solissitude, yu
will diskover, has changed into indifference. Jellousy isn’t a
heart-diseaze; it is a liver-komplaint.
2. A mustash is not indispensible; it iz only a little more hair, and iz
a good deal like moss and other excressences--often duz the best on sile
that won’t raize ennything else. Don’t forgit that thoze things which yu
admire in a phellow before marriage, yu will probably hav tew admire in
a hussband after, and a mustash will git tew be very weak diet after a
long time.
3. If hussbands could be took on trial, az irish-cooks are, two-thirds
ov them would probably be returned; but thare don’t seem tew be enny law
for this. Tharefore, girls, yu will see that after yu git a man, yu hav
got tew keep him, even if yu loose on him. Consequently, if yu hav got
enny kold vitles in the house, try him on them, once in a while, during
courting season, and if he swallers them well, and sez he will take sum
more, he is a man who, when blue Monday cums will wash well.
4. Don’t marry a pheller who iz alwus a-telling how hiz mother duz
things. It iz az hard tew suit these men as it iz tew wean a yung one.
5. If a yung man kan beat yu playing on a pianner, and kant hear a
fish-horn playing in the street without turning a back summersett on
account ov the musick that iz in him, i say, skip him; he might answer
tew tend babe, but if yu sett him tew hoeing out the garden, yu will
find that yu hav got tew do it yureself. A man whoze whole heft lies in
musick (and not very hefty at that), ain’t no better for a husband than
a seedlitz powder; but if he luvs tew listen while yu sing sum gentle
ballad, yu will find him mellow, and not soft. But don’t marry enny
boddy for jist one virtew enny quicker than yu would flop a man for jist
one fault.
6. It iz one of the most tuffest things for a female tew be an old maid
successfully. A great menny haz tried it, and made a bad job ov it.
Evryboddy seems tew look upon old maids jist az they do upon dried
harbs--in the garret, handy for sickness--and, tharefore, girls, it aint
a mistake that yu should be willing tew swop yurself oph, with some true
phellow, for a hussband. The swop iz a good one; but don’t swop for enny
man who iz respektabel jist bekause his father iz. You had better be an
old maid for 4 thousand years, and then join the Shakers, than tew buy
repentance at this price. No woman ever made this trade who didn’t git
either a phool, a mean cuss, or a clown for a hussband.
7. In digging down into his subject, i find the digging grows harder the
further i git. It iz mutch easier tew inform yu who not tew marry, than
who tew, for the reason thare iz more ov them.
I don’t think yu will foller mi advise, if i giv it; and, tharefore, i
will keep it; for i look upon advise as i do upon castor ile--a mean
dose tew giv, and a mean dose tew take.
But i must say one thing, girls, or spile. If you kan find a
bright-eyed, healthy, and well-ballasted boy, who looks upon poverty az
sassy az a child looks upon wealth--who had rather sit down on the
curb-stun, in front ov the 5th avenue hotel, and eat a ham sandwitch,
than tew go inside, and run in debt for hiz dinner and toothpick--one
who iz armed with that kind ov pluck, that mistakes a defeat for a
victory, mi advise is tew take him boddy and soul--snare him at onst,
for he iz a stray trout, or a breed very skase in our waters.
Take him i say, and bild onto him, az hornets bild on to a tree.
PRIVATE OPINYUNS.
Mi private opinyun iz--that politeness iz about the only profeshion ov
humans that i endorse without looking into.
Mi private opinyun iz--that the man who cheats me, iz a good deal mi
inferior.
Mi private opinyun of _Fame_ iz--that it konsists in being praized
wrongfully while yu liv, and being damd inkorektly when yu are ded, and
the very best it kan do for enny man, iz tew make him respektably
forgotten.
Mi private opinyun iz--that a bad joke, iz like a bad eg, all the wuss
for being cracked.
Mi private opinyun iz--that manufaktring phun for other pholks
amusement, iz like hatching out egs, a sober, stiddy bizzness.
Mi private opinyun iz--that originality in writing waz played out long
ago, and the very best that enny man kan do, iz tew steal with good
judgement, and then own it like a man.
Mi private opinyun iz--that the most that learning kan do for us, iz tew
teach us how little we kno.
Mi private opinyun ov civilashun iz--that it alwus ends in luxury, and
luxury alwus ends in destruckshun. The barbarians hav alwus outlasted
the Christians, i am dredful sorry for this, but i kant help it.
Mi private opinyun ov dandys iz--that they are moraly hybrid, and i
guess they are other ways too.
Mi private opinyun iz--that when a man haint got enny thing tew say,
then iz the best time not tew say it.
My private opinyun iz--that sum men did aktually spring from the monkey,
and didn’t hav fur tew spring neither.
[Illustration]
Mi private opinyun ov _Rum_ iz--that the man who sells it to hiz fello
man iz wuss than a hiwayman--the hiwayman demands yure munny or yure
life--the rumseller demands both.
Mi private opinyun ov “_Wimmin’s Rites_” iz--that natur haz fixt them
jist about _rite_, and natur never underlets a kontrakt, nor baks out ov
a posishun.
Mi private opinyun iz--that humorous lektures kan never be a suckcess,
for two reasons--one iz, bekauze most people look upon the men who makes
them laff az vastly inferior to them, and the other iz, bekauze a writer
in the _Atlantik Monthly_ sez so.
My private opinyun ov sektarian religion iz--that it iz like sider drawn
from a musty kask, it alwus tastes ov the kask. Thoze who at last enter
Heaven may find the outer walls plakarded with kreeds, but they wont
find enny on the inside.
Mi private opinyun iz--that virtew iz better than gold, but i also hav
bin told that 10 dollars in gold will go farther towards bilding a
church, or a hoss ralerode, than all the piety ov Moses.
Mi private opinyun ov human natur iz--that it is like a setting hen,
just as krazy tew set whare thare aint no egs as whare thare iz.
Mi private opinyun ov Adam iz--that without enny experience at all, in
running the machine, he dun jist as well as the man ov to-day would do,
let him step into Paradise to-morrow.
Mi private opinyun ov sparking iz--that az a rekreashun, it iz
delightful, but when it settles down into a stiddy bizzness, it iz like
hash 3 times a day, rather mixt phood.
Mi private opinyun iz--that the man who mistakes a surly temper for
superior intelligence, iz like a toothless kur, who got whipt in hiz
last fite, and iz a going tew git lickt in his next one.
Mi private opinyun iz--that a young man oftner neglekts hiz genius for
sawing wood than he does for writing poetry.
Mi private opinyun iz--that adversity and temtashun are the very best
kind ov tests ov virtew.
Mi private opinyun ov all bores iz--that the gimblet kind iz the most
sarching.
Mi private opinyun ov human happiness iz--that it iz like Joner’s gourd,
it often looses in a nite all that it gru in a day.
Mi private opinyun ov angels on arth, az far az I hav sarched iz--from
fair to midling.
Mi private opinyun ov a braggart iz--that he iz a sheep in wolf’s
clothing.
Mi private opinyun ov a prude iz, that their gratest anxiety iz tew have
their propriety tempted.
My private opinyun ov a coquet iz, that if they suckceed in dieing an
old maid, they don’t deserve all the punishment they receive.
Mi private opinyun ov woman iz, that she iz a natral brick, and she iz a
phool just in proporshun that she don’t kno it.
Mi private opinyun ov mothers-in-law iz, that they seldum stop short ov
their mishun, but are fully equal tew the ockashun.
Mi private opinynn ov boys iz, if i hadn’t been one once miself, and a
tuff one at that, i should feel like sending the whole ov them, for
life, to Botany Bay.
Mi private opinyun ov girls iz, the same az it waz 40 years ago, when i
fust phell in luv with one ov them.
Mi private opinyun ov the mass ov mankind iz, that they hav got more
branes in their hearts than they hav in their heds, and i ain’t sorry
for it neither.
Mi private opinyun iz, that politeness haz won more sudden viktorys than
logick haz.
Mi private opinyun ov molassis iz, that while it iz dreadful sweet, it
iz dreadful sticky too.
Mi private opinyun ov dogs iz, that their affeckshun ought almost tew
make them immortal.
Mi private opinyun ov cats iz, that Judas Iskarriot ought tew hav owned
the fust one, and the last one too.
My private opinyun ov a mule iz, that he never waz known tew hit enny
thing he kouldn’t reach, but iz alwus reddy tew try it.
Mi private opinyun ov miself iz that while i keep both eyes on mi nabor
I hope they wont fail tew keep one eye on me.
My private opinyun iz that here iz a good place tew halt, and i am a big
phool if i don’t halt.
A SUGGESTSHUN.
The morning paper iz just az necessary for an Amerikan az dew iz to the
grass.
Hot kakes and kaughphy, kodphish bawls, and hash are useful, but the
morning paper iz vittles and drink.
An Amerikan who haz not red the morning nuze iz not more than haff
edukated for that day; he goes tew hiz bizzness haff-doubtful and
haff-ashamed ov himself; he iz afrade tew look hiz nabor in the face,
and ackts az ignorant az a man in a strange land who don’t understand
the language.
Every man he meets thru the day tells him sumthing nu, and when he goze
home at nite he iz az silent and misterious tew the wife ov hiz buzzum
az tho he had lost sumthing.
There iz lots ov pholks who git all their larning out ov the morning
papers, and when they hav 2 collums ov it laid in they are az phatt with
usephull knowledge az the sekretary ov a sowing sosiety.
They go round az glib az a boy’s windmill in a good breeze; they ain’t
afraid to button-hole ennybody and talk incessintly tew the boy on the
korner while he shines up hiz shuze.
The man who hain’t red the morning paper, and the man who haz, are about
alike uneazy tew encounter. The one who haint, iz az kross az a dog who
haint got enny bone, and the other phellow iz az stiff in the back az
the dog who haz got two.
I luv miself tew read the morning paper, and i also luv tew go onst in a
while away over on the other side ov the mountain, whare thare aint enny
morning paper, and set down, and feel ignorant all day. It iz like
turning an old hoss out tew grass, and gitting the oats all out ov him.
This ceaseless hankering after nuze iz a good way tew forgit life, but
iz not the best way tew enjoy it. It iz often only a mania, and it iz
quite az often the kase that what a man learns in this way to day, he
phinds out tomorrow aint so.
But an Amerikan kant git along without hiz morning paper. Red hot nuze
iz just as necessary tew him tew begin the day with az sider brandy
fresh from the still iz to an old toper.
ON COURTING.
Courting is a luxury, it is sallad, it is ise water, it is a beveridge,
it is the pla spell ov the soul.
The man who has never courted haz lived in vain; he haz bin a blind man
amung landskapes and waterskapes; he has bin a deff man in the land ov
hand orgins, and by the side ov murmuring canals.
Courting iz like 2 little springs ov soft water that steal out from
under a rock at the fut ov a mountain and run down the hill side by side
singing and dansing and spatering each uther, eddying and frothing and
kaskading, now hiding under bank, now full ov sun and now full ov
shadder, till bimeby tha jine and then tha go slow.
I am in faver ov long courting; it gives the parties a chance to find
out each uther’s trump kards, it iz good exercise, and is jist as
innersent as 2 merino lambs.
Courting iz like strawberries and cream, wants tew be did slow, then yu
git the flaver.
Az a ginral thing i wouldn’t brag on uther gals mutch when i waz
courting, it mite look az tho yu knu tew mutch.
If yu will court 3 years in this wa, awl the time on the square if yu
don’t sa it iz a leettle the slikest time in yure life, yu kan git
measured for a hat at my expense, and pa for it.
Don’t court for munny, nor buty, nor relashuns, theze things are jist
about az onsartin as the kerosene ile refining bissness, liabel tew git
out ov repair and bust at enny minnit.
Court a gal for fun, for the luv yu bear her, for the vartue and
bissness thare is in her; court her for a wife and for a mother, court
her as yu wud court a farm--for the strength ov the sile and the
parfeckshun ov the title; court her as tho she want a fule, and yu a
nuther; court her in the kitchen, in the parlor, over the wash-tub, and
at the pianner; court this wa, yung man, and if yu don’t git a good wife
and she don’t git a good hustband, the falt won’t be in the courting.
Yung man, yu kan rely upon Josh Billings, and if yu kant make these
rules wurk jist send for him and he will sho yu how the thing is did,
and it shant kost yu a cent.
LATEST NUZEPAPER TATLINGS.
Ebenezer Smith haz sold out hiz tannrey at Pordunk hollow, and bout a
house on 5th avenew.
The lovely Bridget McGuire (nee chambermaid) will be brought to the
alter, sum time this seazon, by the brilliant Dennis O’Tool.
Proffessor Norris haz just returned from the north pole, and reports the
size ov the pole to be one foot in diameter at the base, and 94 feet hi.
He also brought back with him a pair ov web footed duks.
[Illustration]
The Miss Simphonys, ov Providence, are on a visit tew the Miss Sinbads,
ov Lexington avenew--lovely creatures all ov them.
Mocking birds’ tongues on toast will be on the bills ov fare, this
summer, at the Kontinental Hotel, Long Branch.
The Rev. Namby Pamby asked for a 4 thousand dollar hoist in his salary,
or dismissal. The congregashun voted unanimus to let him went. (Bully
for the kongregashun.)
Mrs. Ulrich Nikodemus haz changed the hour ov her resepshuns from haff
past 2 o’klok P. M., on Wensdays, to a quarter of 3 on the same day, a
change ov 15 minnits. Exchange papers will pleaze coppy.
Obadiah Bunkum sold hiz hameltonian pup Jerry, last week, tew Richards,
the jews harp solo, for 50 thousand dollars, reserving the collar. This
iz spoken ov az so mutch ov a dekline in prices az tew shake the pup
market tew its center.
It it sed (but not offishall) that Mr. and Mrs. Punchinello will not
visit the White Mountains this summer. Their dauter, Betsy Punchinello,
iz sed tew be affianced tew the Baron Von Chaulk, and the family will
enter seklushun on this account.
Dick Blister waz arrested yesterday bi offiser Pinkerton for trieing tew
pass a counterfit omnibus on a 50 cent driver ov the 23 street line ov
stages.
Paul Burdok advertizes for a lost poodle ov the Sanco Panza breed, and
offers 40 dollars “for hiz uncerimonious return.” (“Uncerimonious
return” iz kussid good.)
Rum and tanzy, a popular gargle a hundred years ago, is being revived
among the hi toned cirkles. One man in Nu Jersey haz drove all the
musketoze oph from a thousand akers ov land, and planted the whole ov
the land with rum and tanzy, in antisipashun ov the sharp rally in
bitters that may be looked for.
Jaw Bone Bill a selebrated brave ov the Ninkumpoop tribe ov injuns, on
the June Bug river, Californy, waz lately bit apart bi a grizzly bear.
Jaw Bone died pretty soon after the occashun, but the bear lived in
grate agony for 4 daze, when deth put an end tew hiz sufferings.
Miss Rosa Peachblow, ov Madison avenew sez she iz not affianced tew a
prominent Wall street broker, and will giv 5 dollars or thareabouts tew
find out who started the fancy sketch. (City papers pleaz copy.)
G. W. Carleton, the publisher, will soon issue a book for Josh Billings,
entitled “Eggs ov Comfort Laid by the Hen Consolashun.” (This iz a
kussid no sich thing.--J. B.)
The cirkulashun ov the NEW YORK WEEKLY haz allready reached three
hundred thousand, and still iz singing that same old tune,
“_Excelsior_.”
The lovely McFizzles (twins) ov “_snob place_,” will hav a klam bake,
sum time this seazon, at their sea side place, “_Goose Nook_,” to whitch
the Van Doodles are invited. (Doubtful.)
Mr. William Pierpont, ov Goshen, Orange County, haz a sucking colt, ov
the Hambletonian breed, which lately followed the mare one mile around
the trak, in 2 minnits and 23 seckonds, on a trot. This is sed tew be 8
seckonds the best mile made yet by enny sucker.
Report sez that the staunch widdow, Angeline Beeach nee Brown, nee
Jones, nee Beckwith, nee Smith, nee McPherson, nee Miss Angeline
Spraker--5 times a widder, will soon lead tew the alter Walter Roundout,
Esq., (Good bye, Walter.)
On dit, that Dick Manchester haz quit the cork minstrel bizzness, and iz
starring it legitimately at Sing Sing, on a 2 years engagement.
On _ditto_, that the peanut krop ov North Karolina iz a failure, and
that starvashun must foller.
On dittimus, that George Washington Vinegar will spend sum time this
year at the 5th avenew hotel.
New Jersey wants tew be admitted into the Union.
It iz stated that it kosts 13 hundred dollars tew civilize one injun,
and then the injun aint worth but 250 dollars. Loss on each injun tew
the government, in money, about 1 thousand dollars; _but_, the moral
results are sed tew be heavy. (Let the good work go on.)
Mrs. William Hoboken haz had her clarence nuly painted. The nu color iz
chestnut sorrel--the old color waz dapple grey.
We are authorized tew state that Mr. Alanthus haz just returned from the
state ov Injunanny in full bloom, having resided thare one year,
ackording tew law, and iz now reddy tew receive proposals.
A writer in Blackwood Magazine estimates “that thare haint been over 250
fleas killed since the flood.”
We are pleased tew notiss the growing popularity ov Mr. and Mrs.
Jibboom; their respektibility iz now fully established, they having
appeared on the avenew with a 2 horse carriage, and a slitely coloured
driver, with a velvet hat band and sum yeller brass buttons.
The latest agony in poodles iz saffron, with steel coloured eyes.
Matilda O’Brine, four daze in her last place, with a karacter, will
receive proposals at her residence, in Albany street.
No objeckshuns tew going into the country for the summer az companyun
tew a lady, provided suitable references are given! Lessons on the
pianno will be accepted insted ov the usual presents expekted from the
family.
Enny one wishing tew adopt male or female children, kan hav their pik
out ov 16 bi calling on Mrs. Patrik McFergurson. All the children hav
got thru teething, and hav had waccinashun.
JOSH MOUNTS A VELOCIPEDE.
The velosipead iz a wize instrumentality, with two wheels, placed
consekutively, one wheel before the other, and the other wheel behind
the fust one.
They revolve on their axes, simular to the world, from east to west, and
have already reached the shores of the Pacifick oshun.
They are az eazy tew ride, az a grind stun.
They will undoubtedly do away with the use of steam, and in fifty years
from now, will be the only means of lokomoshun, known to man.
The ladies will all use them, jist az soon az they kan settle the
question, in what manner they shall occupy them.
Just now there iz a dispute, whether they shall occupy both sides ov the
velosipead at once, or whether they shall remain on one side ov them at
once, similar to the anshunt custom ov occupying the noble animal, the
hoss.
It iz to be hoped, that this matter will be laid before the “wimmins’
right committee,” and that nothing, ov a one sided natur, should be
allowed tew hinder a woman from filling her destiny.
I beleaf in throwing every thing wide open, to a fair competishun
between the two sexes, velosipeads, az well az medisin, _and may the
best man win_.
It might look a little odd (for the fust day or two) to see the ladies
divided by a velosipead, but in the grate advance ov prices, and morals,
which are now at work in the world, nobody but a darn phool, or a foggy,
would object tew it--if we are ever to reach perfeckshun in this world,
we hav all ov us got to hav a fair chance, at both sides ov things.
I hav examined the scientifick principles ov the velosipead, and find
that it iz just az simple az bread and milk.
The rotary cohesiveness which exists in all circumlocutory gravitations,
ackting in conjunction with the simple law ov attraction, preserves the
moshun ov the velosipead within its proper and natural revolushun.
Nothing can be more simple and yet more beautiful than this law in
science; the philosophers are az well acquainted with it az they are
with the 10 commandments, and perhaps better.
There iz one improvement in the velosipead which I am looking anxiously
forward to, and that iz, to learn to stand still till you mount them.
Nothing iz more anoying than a habit they have got into ov lying down on
their sides, if yu undertake to endorse one of them standing still.
I hav seen the nobel animal, the hoss, when they wanted to git rid ov
their rider, lay down sideways and roll over, and kick up their heels.
This iz a trick which the velosipead haz stole from the hoss without
giving him credit for it.
If mi memory serves me right, the moshun ov the velosipead iz purely a
crank moshun, simular tew the grind stun, and iz produced the same way,
that the scizzor grinder stirs up his masheen.
I hav thought if the pioneer wheel of the velosipead could be made out
of whetestones, it might be used while in progress, for sharpening
razors, and carving knives, and thus bekum a means ov grace, az well az
buty, but this would take the poetry all out ov it, and degrade it down
to the level ov usefulness.
If you want tew take the starch out ov a novelty, just set it to work at
sumthing useful, it bekums inelegant to onst.
The moshun ov the velosipead iz produced bi the action ov the leggs--or
rather, the action ov the pedal extremetys, the word _leggs_ iz
altogether too obscene for every man to use, who ever expekts tew run
for the legislatur, or be caught in the sosiety ov refined people.
This fakt iz sufficiently explained tew the latin skollar, who
understands that “velosipeads” iz manufakterd out ov two forrin words,
“_veloss_” and “_pedoss_,” which vulgarily means “_lively leggs_,” but
politely means, “_pedal swiftness_.”
If a man don’t understand latin now a daze, he kant hardly enjoy the
conversashun ov a hod carrier.
The velosipead iz not a modern discovery; long before the days of Adam,
and Eve, they waz in use.
The heathen gods had them, with one wheel to them, and history tells us
ov a grate expert, one Ixion, who got onto the side ov one ov them, and
traveled all over the Olympian country.
I hav seen them miself with only one wheel to them, theze had two
handles, which protruded out behind, and were propelled by a shove
moshun.
Theze were fust discovered in Ireland, and I think are called
“wheelbarrows,” or sumthing that sounds like that.
This is all i kno now about the velosipeads.
THE RASE KOARSE.
Grate rase! at Sulphur Flat trotting Park, on Thursda, April 9th, for a
puss ov 13 dollars, and a bulls-eye watch, free for awl hosses, mares,
geldings, mules, and Jackasses!
Seeing the above anounsement, pasted up on a gide board, at “Jamaka rum
four corners,” and having never saw a hoss trot, on a well regulated
rase koarse, for the improvement ov the breed ov hosses, i agreed i wud
go, jist tew encourage the breeding ov good hosses.
I found the village of Sulphur Flats located in a lot and well watered
bi a griss-mill and 2 tannerys.
The prinsipal buildings seem tu consiss ov a tavern stand, 3 groserys,
an insurance offiss, and anuther tavern stand, awl condukted on strik
whiskee prinsiples.
I found the inhabitants a good deal tired in their religus views and i
thought the opening wud admit 3 or 4 missionarys abreast.
The moste prinsipal bizness ov the peopil waz pealing bark in the
winter, and pitchin cents az soon az warm wether sot in.
I asked a gentleman present, who ced he was a reporter for “The Yung
Man’s Christian Gide,” if he knew what the poplashun ov the place
definitely waz, and ced he definitely didn’t, but if i would set out a
pail ov whiskee, with a dipper into it, on the top ov a hemlock stump,
that grew in front ov the tavern, it wouldn’t be 60 minnits befour i cud
count the whole ov them, and then we both ov us smiled, az it were, tew
onst.
[Illustration: JOSH BILLINGS DRIVES OUT TO THE RACES.]
Having asked sum uther inquirys, ov a mixed natur, i santered down tu
where the rase koarse waz.
THE TRACK.
I found the track waz about a mild in circumferense, and ov a sandy
disposishun, fensed in by a kranbury mash on one side, and a brush fense
on tuther, and in jist about 3 minnet condishun.
The judge’s stand waz an ox cart surrounded on the sides bi a ha
rigging, and the reporters waz invited tew git intu the cart.
THE HOSSES.
Waz a gra mare, about the usual stature, not verry fat, and laboring
under a spring halt, which tha ced she had caught ov anuther hoss, about
10 days ago.
Tha ced she had trotted tu a kamp-meeting last fall inside ov a verry
short time, and that her back bone waz awl game.
I asked a yung man with long yeller hair and bedtick pantyloons on, who
waz currying oph the mare, what her pedigree was, and he with a wink tew
anuther feller who stood clus bi, ced, “she waz got bi the Landlord out
ov a Methdiss minister,” and then tha both laffed.
I found out bi inquirin, that her name waz “Fryin-Pan.”
The uther hoss waz a red hoss, rather hastily konstructed, with a spare
tale on him, which tha ced waz kaused by his trotting so fast, in a
windy day; i shud think he waz about 5 feet and a haf in hite, and ov a
kickin natur.
Tha ced he waz a stranger in theze parts, and that his rite name waz
“Juise Harp.”
FUST HEAT.
The hosses both cum up tew the skore in the immejiate visinity ov each
uther, and got the wurd tew go, the fust time.
The gra mare waz druv bi “Dave Larkin,” and the hoss was handled bi
“Ligh Turner.”
Tha trotted sublimely, az cluss az the Siamese twins; the mare with her
hed hi up and her noze full ov winde; the hoss waz stretched out tite,
like a chalk line; tha passed the haf mile pole simultaneously, time, 2
minnits.
Now the kontest becum exsiting, “Dave” hollered, and “Ligh” yelled--on
tha kum, the mare gru higher, and the hoss gru longer--tha make the last
turn tew onst--tha look like a dubble team--the exsitement grows more
intensely--the crowd sways to and fro--the ox cart trembles--tha cum!
tha cum! sich shouting, sich yelling, sich swearing, sich chawing
terbacker, waz never herd before; the mare iz ahed!--no, the hoss iz
ahed! ’tis even, ’tis a ded hete, tha pass the ox kart--the hoss wins bi
3 quarters ov an inch, time 4 minnits lacking 2 seckunds.
REMARKS.
The hosses ar surrounded bi a crowd ov men, wimmin, and children.
Each party are sanguinary ov suckces.
The bettin iz 2 quarts ov whiskee to anything, on the red hoss.
At this junkture the gentleman, reporter for the Young man’s Christian
Gide, propozed tew bet 75 cents that the mare wud win the nex heat; i
tuk the proposishun forthwithly, and the steaks, bi mutual consent, was
placed in mi hat and sot under the kart, and here let me stait, before i
forget it, that i haint saw the steaks nor the hat sinse.
SECKUND HEAT.
The hosses both sho signs ov distress.
The gra mare’s ears hang down the side ov her hed, like two wet rags,
and the hoss rests his tale on the ground.
Tha go slola bak tew the distanse pole, and cum up agin tew the skore,
az tho tha waz yoked together.
Awa tha go; the hoss a leetle ahed.
The hoss leads tew the haf mild pole in 2:30.
On the bak stretch, “Dave” went at the mare with hiz long purswader; she
trots like litening, she passes the hoss! no! she busts! she busts! and
befour “Dave” cud flatten her down tew her work, she broke from the trak
and trotted clean up tew her hips in the krambery mash.
The hoss cum in awl alone, trotting fast, and so clus down, that 2 feet
ov his tale dragged on the ground.
Time ov this heat, not fur from 5 minnits, “Juise Harp” winning, bi a
quarter ov a mile.
Thus ended the grate rase at “Sulphur Flats.”
I immejiately started on foot for “Jamaka Rum four corners,” bare
headed, but fully impressed that, tho men, and even whiskee mite
deteryoate, the breed ov hosses must begin tew improve in that seckshun
ov the kuntry in a fu dais.
BILLINGS LEXICON.
Blush--The cream ov modesty.
Ginger-pop--Gimnastik water.
Man--Live dirt.
Friends--Books, paintings, and stuft birds.
Bashfullnes--Ignorance afraid.
Conservatism--A bag with a hole to it.
Radicalism--A hole with a bag to it.
Aristocrat--A demokrat with hiz pockets filled.
Politicks--The apology ov plunder.
Tin watch--Faith without works.
Mule--A bad pun on a horce.
Patience--Faith waiting for a nibble.
Sparking--Picking buds oph from the bush.
Malice--A blind mule kicking by guess.
Eternal--God’s epitaff.
Care--Cat pizen.
Faith--The soul riding anchor.
Bliss--Happiness bileing over and running down both sides ov the pot.
Marriage--An alter on whitch man lays hiz pocketbook and woman her luv
letters.
Quack--A doktor whoze science lays in hiz bill.
Hash--A boarding-hous confidence game.
Fuss--An old hen with one chicken.
Twins--2 mutch.
Boarding-School--A place whare wry coffee and flirtashun iz taught.
Experiment--Energy out ov a job.
Perfection--God in man.
Virtue--That ingredient whitch needs no foil, and without whitch nothing
else iz valuabel.
Solitude--A good place tew visit, but a poor place tew stay.
Sloth--Life in a tomb.
Health--A call loan.
Memory--The shadow that the soul casts.
Politeness--Sixty day paper.
Poverty--The only birthright that a man kant lose.
Accidents--The dismay ov phools, the wize man’s barometer.
Ease--Discounted time.
Wealth--Baggage at the risk ov the owner.
Trials--Whetstuns.
Fortune--The aggregate ov possibilitys; a goddess whom cowards count by
stealth, but whom brave men take by storm.
Economy--A fust mortgage on wealth.
Enough--Jist a leetle more.
Dignity--Wisdum in tights.
Mischief--The maliss ov fun.
Cook--One who manufakters appetights.
Diseases--The whipping posts and branding irons ov luxury.
Drunkenness--Shame lost and shame found.
Cowardice--Pluck on ice.
Glutton--A man with a drunken appetight.
Examples--Foot prints in the wilderness.
Nunnery--Piety in chains.
Ignorance--Raw happiness.
Sin--A natral distemper, for which virtew haz bin discovered to be an
antidote.
Friendship--One ov love’s pimps.
Envy--A disease original with Cain, but which hiz brother Abel afterward
caught, and died suddenly ov.
Belle--A female boss ov the situation.
Fancy--The flirtashun ov truth.
Sarcasm--An undertaker in tears.
Sulks--Deff and dum madness.
Courting--A hugg and kiss match, generally a drawn game.
Fiction--A lie with holiday clothes on.
Hen--A lay member.
Law--The shackels ov liberty.
Science--The literature ov truth.
Deceit--A ded wasp with a live tail.
Babys--Dividend.
Miser--A wretch who haz dug out hiz heart tew sto away hiz munny in.
Misfortunes--A band ov vagrants, who liv on what they kan steal.
Spirituolist--A curb stone broker, who sells exchange on Ben Franklin &
Co.
Inheritance--Second-hand goods, other people’s leavings.
Ironclads--Vessels ov wrath.
Grave Yard--A small patch ov land, cultivated by the dead, lieing
between time and eternity.
Lap Dogs--A nucleus for affeckshun out ov a job.
Society--Burning on an alter natral rights, and then sacredly watching
over the ashes.
Jealousy--Self love.
Stingyness--The bran ov economy.
Buck Saw--An instrument ov torture.
Bragadocio--One who pulls hiz own courage by the noze.
Anxiety--Milking a kicking heifer with one hand, and holding her by the
tail with the other.
Swearing--The metalic currency ov loafers.
Judicious Benevolence--The brains ov the heart.
Blue Jay--The fop ov the forest.
Policy--“Honesty iz the best policy,” but policy iz not alwus the best
honesty.
Bachelor--The hero ov a cot bedstead.
Club Houses--Whare the hen-pecked go tew sware, and smooth out their
feathers.
Lie--The cowardice ov truth.
Skunk--An athletick animal, stronger than an elephant.
OWLY.
Here we have a batch of immaculate truths from the “Owl Club.”
After the minutes of the last meeting had been read and approved, each
“Owl,” as is their custom, lit his cigar, shook out his feathers, and
story-telling commenced, the President leading off as usual.
“I never can hear of a man’s gitting his head broke,” said the
President, “but I call to mind the wonderful accident that occured at
Austin, Texas, twenty years ago.
“A man was thrown from his horse, while riding at full speed into town,
and striking against the sharp edge of a potash kettle, which lay beside
the road, his head was split down to his collar-bone, each half hanging
over his shoulders like a pair ov epaulettes.
“This man was taken up for dead, but recovered, by skillful treatment,
and was elected county judge afterward on the strength of this
accident.”
“A very good story, and undoubtedly true,” said the Vice-President
“Owl,” “but I don’t think it quite so miraculous as the different
escapes that Joe French, a friend of mine, a clerk on one of the
Mississippi steamboats, has passed safely through.
“His last adventure was on the high-pressure steamer Hurricane.
“As she was passing Natches, on a down trip, she blew up, and filled the
air with every kind of fragments.
“Joe was sent up about two hundred and fifty feet, and there being a
strong wind at the time, he was carried over onto the center of the
city, and fell through the roof of a jewelry store.
[Illustration]
“After passing down through three stories of the building, he struck on
his feet, by the side of the proprietor of the concern, who demanded
five hundred dollars for the damages done to his building.
“‘I can’t pay so much money,’ said Joe, ‘but i will give you two hundred
and fifty, _and I have often settled for this price before_.’”
“Bully for Joe French,” said one of the “Owls.” “But let me tell you a
little story about an attorney by the name of Gersh’ Buckley, who
practiced law at Burlington, Iowa, a few years ago.
“Gersh had a case, in the county court, which he lost, and in settling
with his client was charged by the other attorney with taking less than
the customary fees.
“Gersh plead quietly to the charge. ‘But, gentlemen,’ said he, ‘_I done
all in my power to sustain the honor of the profession, I took all the
money the man had_.’”
At this point, one of the “Owls,” more noted for his gravity than any of
the rest, mounted his perch, and begged to be heard, as follows:
“Talking about steamboats reminds me of a circumstance which occurred on
the lower Mississippi, in the year 1840. I had been down to New Orleans
and was on my return, having taken passage on the fast side-wheel
steamer, Fanny Birch.
“Twenty-five miles up the river we overtook the Memphis Belle, an
opposition boat, just leaving a woodyard. Rosin and pine was soon the
order ov exercises, and both boats were quickly side by side in a
close-contested race.
“Suddenly word was passed along the boat, ‘Man overboard!’
“The captain, rushing aft, inquired of the clerk if the man had paid his
passage.
“‘Yes!’ shouted the clerk.
“‘Then go ahead on her, engineer!’ was the captain’s order.”
“Owl” number five plumed his feathers and opened his short but
silvery-toned beak, as follows:
“Out in Nevada, during a race week, a rider was thrown from a horse and
taken up insensible. As he lay on a stretcher near the judges’ stand
many wagers were made among the sporting fraternity present, upon his
death or recovery.
“A surgeon present proposed to bleed the boy, but the gamblers
interposed, for, they said, it would seriously _affect the fairness of
the bets_.”
“I don’t believe that story,” said “Owl” Number Six: “but here is one
which has been in our family for over forty years, and we all know it to
be true:
“An old gentleman--who, by the way, was almost entirely deaf, had
brought a suit against one of his neighbors, claiming certain damages.
The case was one which the justice thought ought not to go to a jury,
but should be settled between the parties. He therefore instructed the
attorney to ask the old gentleman what he would take to settle the suit.
The lawyer, putting his mouth near the deaf man’s ear, said, in a loud
tone:
“‘The court wants to know what you will take.’
“Turning his eye blandly toward the judge’s bench, the old gentleman
replied:
“‘Thank the squire for me, and tell him I will take a leetle Santy
Cruise rum without sugar.’”
“Owl” Number Seven, looking uncommon wise, got off the following:
“Two shad fishermen got into a dispute lately about a fish net, which
they both laid claim to, and, as the war of words was reaching its
hight, a son of one of the beligerents coming upon the scene, cried out
to his venerable parent:
“‘Old man, don’t let him git the start of you--_call him a thief and a
liar first_.’”
“That puts me in mind,” said the next “_Owl_,” of a story, not at all
similar, but more funny I think, than the one we have just listened to.
“Over in Jersey, an honest old Dutchman, who followed gardening for a
living, had been to the neighboring town to do a little trading at the
stores, and having taken his wife with him, both ov them got _unco_
tight.
“On their way home the old woman fell, out of the wagon, as they were
crossing a salt meadow, and was not missed untill the old gent reached
home. The neighbors going back to search for the missing wife, found her
stuck fast in the mud of the marsh, and talking in a maudlin manner, to
the rising tide which had risen up, and just began to play about her
lips. ‘_Not another drop, hot, nor cold; not another drop, will I
take._’”
OWLET.*
PORDUNK VILLAGE.
Stranger! hav yu ever been to Pordunk Village, my natiff place?
It iz a dear little lulaby ov a place, sleeping between two small
mountains, in the State of Pennsylvania.
It kontains about 1000 souls now, and is watered by goose crik, whitch
meanders thru the village az crooked and az lazy az a skool boy, on hiz
way tew the distrikt skool hous.
I waz born here, and the ground on whitch the old hous stood, iz thare
yet. Mi ancesters are all here too, but they hav retired from bizzness,
and are taking their eaze, in the old graveyard ov the little one story
church.
The red painted tavern, whare years ago, the townsfolks gathered in, on
Saturday nights, to wet their whistles, and brag on their bush beans,
and other gardin sass, iz gone, and departed.
And Roger Williams, where iz he?
[Illustration]
Roger waz the village blacksmith, and could out argy the parson, on a
bit ov skripture, hiz anvil iz still, and he now livs in his new house,
with the rest of the old people, just back ov the little one story
church.
Whare iz Square Watkins, the justiss of the peace? he knu law, and the
stattews, just az eazy az he did the 10 commands, hiz little old offiss,
for 50 years unpainted, iz now no more.
No one ov hiz name iz left, he and Roger the blacksmith, lay side by
side, just back ov the little one story church, az still az deth kan
make them.
Sue Dunham, the crazy woman, I don’t see her! Poor Sue, she waz not
alwus welkum, but no one turned her away, a night’s lodgeing no one
refused, she was even butiful still, when i waz a boy, but i shrunk from
the flash ov her misterious eye.
The old folks knu her story, it waz that sad one, so often told, and so
soon forgotten, a mans perfidy.
Sue Dunham raves no more, but in the farther korner, just bak ov the
little one story church, whare the ded lay the thikest, lays Sue.
A weep in willow, sown bi aksident, hangs over her grave, and on her hed
stone, theze words, almost knawed away bi time, kan be made out, “Sue
Dunham, aged 59.”
Parson Powell, who led hiz flok bi the side ov still waters who wet with
hallowed drops at christnings, who jined in wedlok, and who asked God to
take the departing ones, I miss him too; peacefully he sleeps, just bak
ov the little one story church.
Deakon Tucker, who sold sugar bi the pound, and mollassis bi the pint,
who delt in whale ile, and bar sope, who kept raizen and razor straps,
who could mezzure a yard ov kotton, ov kaliko, tew a thred, and who, 4th
ov Julys, sold 3 fire krackers, tew us boys, for a penny, what haz bekum
ov the deakon?
Years ago, he fled, not far away, but cluss up tew the back wall ov the
little one story church, near to Parson Powell.
An odd phellow waz Ez Farnham, and withal az keen at a trade az a
hornet, Them that swopped hosses with Ez once, didn’t hanker tew do it
again, he waz honest, but oh! how fatal tew dicker. No one now, in the
whole village remember him, he haz gone whare they don’t giv, nor git
boot, they put him in the halfaker, just bak ov the little one story
church.
Job Pierson iz ded too, and so is Job’s wife, and all ov Job’s sons, and
dauters.
I go up, and I go down, the good old village of Pordunk, the people all
stare at me, az i stop _here_ and stop _thare_, to say tew miself, “here
it waz that Lige Turner, threw Dave Larkins, 40 years ago, in a wrassle
on the village green, and thare stood the old town pump.”
“Here old Beverly, the barber, shaved for three cents a shave, and
thare, Burbanks haff soled boots for a quarter.”
“Here--let me see! was it here? Yes Old Mother Benneway sold taffy here,
each stick at least 8 inches long, and made out of Deakon Tuckers best
Porto Rico molassis.”
“Thare stood the little red skool hous, right thare, it waz the forks ov
a road then, it is the korner of a block now.
“Who kan tell me whare Daniel Purdy the skool master lives now, no one!
I hav asked a dozen, but no one remember Daniel Purdy.
“It iz a sad thing tew be a skoolmaster, no one ever seems tew kno whare
they go when yu miss them. They just seem to depart that’s all. I never
knu one tew die, and be buried.”
Ah, it iz pleasant!--it is sad, to go bak tew the village of Pordunk,
thare is more people now thare, than there waz when i waz a boy, but how
different are they,--or how different am I.
The old trees are the same, man kant alter them, goose krik runs jist
whare it did, with willows in all ov its elbows, the mountains each side
haven’t grown enny smaller, the birds sing the same songs, but i don’t
kno enny one that i meet, and what is more lonesome, no one that i meet
knows me.
When i go tew Pordunk, and want tew see enny boddy that I remember, i go
down the main street to the fust korner, just whare Joel Parker once
lived, then i turn tew the left, and keep on for a ways, till i cum tew
the little one story church.
Just bak ov that they are all living now. They don’t remember me when i
go thare, but I remember them. It won’t be very long now before I shall
jine them.
{ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.}
4 LETTERS.
_Mister Brown._--In haste, dear sur, I repli tew yure letter thusly:
Jews harps are a one stringed instrument, held between the teeth, blowed
on gently, and tickled with the fore-finger. The musik which they yield
is balmy, but looses much of its melloness unless played upon bi a bull
frog. I hav listened for hours at a bull frog playing on a Jews harp,
and wept like a child. This iz the kind a musik that enters mi soul like
a sister ov charity out ov a job. I hav a yung female bull frog now in
mi employ, who plays the Jews harp quite bully for one ov her sex. Sum
people must hav opera musik or they aint helthy, but giv me the liquid
Jews harp, tickled bi the yung and impashioned bull frog.
If i waz ritch i would buy me two akers ov swamp ground, issue proposals
for a millyun ov Jews harps, and set every bull frog on mi farm to
instrumental musik.
Thare are others who aint happy unless they kan hear the pensiv murmers
ov the bass drum, or the hoarse gutteral ov the trombone, or the pig
like laffing ov the fife, or the jigger ov the banjo and the bones.
I hav nothing but pitty for sich depraved tasted critters, and look
forward, with the joyful gush ov a missionary, to the time when bull
frogs will set under every vine and fig tree, tickling the buzzom ov a
Jews harp.
If i kan hav plenty ov Jews harps, and a bull frog, i dont kare if i
dont never hear a hand orgin agin.
[Illustration: 4 LETTERS.]
_Mister Bates._--The best kind ov bate for a rat, iz toasted cheeze, and
the best kind ov a trap, iz the one, that will ketch them the oftenest,
and hang onto them the most. It aint always a sure thing tew ketch a rat
bi the tail, i hav knew them tew bight oph their tail, just outside ov
the jaws ov the trap, and thus save their rat meat.
Bob tailed rats hav ceased tew be a curiosity to me long ago.
Once i should hav looked upon a bob-tailed rat with mingled pheelings ov
pitty, and suprise, but them daze hav fled from me, i look upon a
bob-tailed rat now, as a cluss bizzness transackshun.
Rats are one ov the far-famed butys ov civilashun, they wont live in the
wildernes, and i wouldn’t if i waz they.
Sum folks are so enlightened they kant bear rats, but az i lay in mi
bed, at mi boarding hous, at the deceased hours ov night, it iz one ov
mi priviliges, tew hear the rats chawing holes throu the base boards,
and playing tag in the wainscote.
Rats are very prolifick, one pair ov assorted rats, will keep a phamily
in rats for years.
Rats are very easy tew keep, thare aint but phew things but what they
will eat, and them phew things are locked up.
Rats are not a subjekt ov diet in this country, but i am told bi
missionarys, that rat pi, iz thick in China.
I shouldn’t wonder if rat pi might be good, but i hav alwus accustomed
mi self to plain vittles.
_Mister Barnes._--Hash iz made out ov cast oph vittles.
Hash haz done more for the human race ov man than almost enny other
breed ov food.
For breakfast, a small tender-lion steak, sum few ham & eggs, 3 baked
potatoze, a plate of buttered toast, sum slap jacks, 2 cups of coffy,
and sum hash iz good.
I like to eat hash this way better than enny other.
Sum pholks alwuz raize their noze up at hash.
If yu search history, with one eye, yu will find theze folks, 20, or 30
years ago, more or less, were born on hash.
I hav seen hash miself, that i had mi doubts about, but i et it, and
still liv.
I love hash as a principle, and this iz mi rule, i watch the landlady,
and if she eats it, i take the sekond plate.
This makes me very popular at all the boarding houses which I attend.
If folks would be a leetle more penurious with their hash, and not git
stubs ov tallo kandles, babys morocko shoes, and now and then a fine
tooth comb, that want more than half worn out, into their hash, hash
would stand to day, at the head of all mux food.
_Mister Bartlett._--Ov all the animals who waz brought akrost the
waters, into this country, by that grate improver ov the breed ov kattle
Noah, i consider the cow the most respektable.
A cow iz a kind ov old aunt in the family.
I dont kno ov a more honest, and salubrious sight, than a brindle cow,
that wont kik, and who gives 10 quarts ov milk that aint watered.
It iz unkommon hard to git a cow to giv milk that aint watered now daze,
thare iz a grate difference in cows about this.
It iz sed the cowcumber derives its name from the cow, but whether this
iz so, or not, i kant find out.
Probably it iz, becauze they resemble the cow so mutch.
The cowcumber cums under the hed ov gardin sass, and they gro on a
running vine, and the vine kan beat every vine running, for 100 yards,
in Amerika, after it gits started.
They are a little balky about starting.
I hav known a cowcumber vine to run 15 foot in one night besides giving
birth to 7 young cowcumbers on the way.
Kowcumbers kut up into thin slices, and rooled in peper, and psalt, and
soaked in vinegar, are good, for a sharp pain in the hebdominal region.
A cowcumber iz about the only thing that i kan remember ov now, that iz
good for nothing, after it reaches perfektshun.
_Mister Boggs._--Yure letter, informing me ov the loss ov yure dog,
reached me by yesterday’s male.
I know how to commune with you, Boggs, for i hav been deprived ov a dog
once miself.
I lost a most flattering purp on the 16th day of March three years ago.
I found him ded in a vakant lot, near mi house.
He probably had been struck with lightning, or sumthin else.
He waz a most gifted pup, and could jerk a night-gown oft from a clothes
line, or worry a goose, most butiful tew behold.
He waz a bul pup, but iz no more.
Tiger waz hiz fust name.
I hav made up mi mind never to own enny more dog.
Dog comfort, in this world iz, like all other joy, liable to leak.
Human happiness iz skase enny how, and wants too mutch watching, to be
invested in dorgs.
JOSH SETTLES UP WITH HIS CORRESPONDENTS SUMMARILY.
“_Philander._”--If yu borrow ov the Devil, yu must keep yure eye peeled
wide open, for the Devil always takes a mortgage, and seldum takes one,
that he fails tew foreclose.
“_Plato._”--Mi experience, az far az i have got, iz this, that i kan
most alwus find out the style ov milk in enny man’s moral kokernutt, by
hearing hiz opinion ov hiz nearest nabors, for men are quite apt tew dam
in others, what they hav got the most ov themselfs, and praze what they
have got the least ov.
“_Pindar._”--The strongest sentiment in woman iz modesty, and the next
strongest iz a silk dress, made in the fashion. The strongest sentiment
in man iz money, and the next strongest iz 10 per cent. for the use ov
it.
“_Phillip._”--If yu expekt to win, yu hav got to suffer,--the bible
tells us that heaven must be taken with hard knocks.
“_Pan._”--Fame iz very mutch like good health, them men who hunt for it
the most find it the least.
“_Powell._”--Luv at fust sight iz perhaps a leetle risky, but it iz the
richest, and most lastingest luv the heart ever feels.
“_Postboy._”--Marrying for munny, iz much like falling out ov a third
story winder, if yu happen tew make a good _strike_, it iz a fust-rate
excuse for never trying it again.
“_Peacock._”--Yu will find in yure journey through this vale ov tears
and valley ov dispair, mutch tew fill yure soul with anguish, and
dissapointments bitter:--thare iz one thing partickularly apt tew go
back ov a yung man, whoze buzzum iz trieing tew bust with hope, and that
iz--hiz mustash.
“_Pilot._”--A man may hav a grate deal ov edukashun, and not be verry
wize, after awl; jist az he may hav a heap ov strength, and not know the
best holts.
“_Pilgarlick._”--Yu ask me the best way tew make berlony sarsage. Here
iz the best, and only way:
Take an eel, about six feet in length, and about one feet in wideness,
(git a lively eel if possibel); skin the eel lengthways from hed to
foot, and stuff the skin with pulvarized gutty perchy, and equal parts
ov merino wool; seazon with Scotch snuff and asserfedity, hang it up bi
the tail in a Duch grosery for 4 months, for the flies tew giv it the
trade marks; it iz then awl reddy for use, and kan be cut up into right
lengths, and sold for police clubs.
This kind ov sarsidge iz the only one who took a gold medal at the Paris
imposition.
“_Pharaoh._”--It iz an actewal fackt that most ov us work harder, tew
seem happy, than we should have to, to be happy.
“_Pedro._”--Before yu buy the hoss yu speak ov, look him over cluss, but
don’t examin him much afterward, for fear yu may cum across sumthing
that yu are looking after. This iz a good rule tew foller when yu take a
wife.
“_Pontoon._”--The principal art in flying a kite iz tew git the tail the
right heft; tew mutch tail to things iz jist what haz spilte a whole
parcel ov clever kites.
“_Palmer._”--Early impreshions are like the dews on the young flowers,
soon dried off, but what the fragrance iz made of.
“_Pinchback._”--Don’t beleave more than half that yu hear, rumor haz got
rising ov 600 toungs, and can lie faster with each one of them than
Dexter can trot to an anatomy waggon.
“_Palmer_.”--In reply to yure kind and numerous letter, i am happy tew
state that mi age iz a profound sekret, but i waz born in the
old-fashioned way in the old ov the moon, am long, but crooked, don’t
beleaf in speerits (not even Jamaka speerits;) am married, or waz twenty
years ago, and hav every reazon to beleave that I am now; hav never
raized enny boys to mi knowledge, on account ov their liability tew git
out ov repair; hav turned mi attenshion tew girl children; hav two ov
that specie, one ov whom iz now boarding with a yung feller; mi hair iz
black, and quite tall behind; i wear a mustash, and number 10 pegged
boots; hav a sangunary temperament, and a billyus noze; eat az other
folks do, except roasted gooze; roasted gooze iz not one ov mi
weaknesses, I kan eat two ov them, and then take a little more ov that
are goose; I work for mi bread and roast goose; hav a grey eye, and am
alwus az reddy tew wag az the next dog--this iz me. I forgot to state
that I waz brought up by a Presbeterian Church in Massachusetts, and am
a good job.
A LOOSE BILT EPISTLE.
DEAR Brigham:--Excuse this peripatetick letter.
I am a vagrant, and a wanderer on the trail ov literature, and write
letters in a rekless, hap-hazard way. I want harnessed young enuff tew
be kind in all harness.
[Illustration: DIDN’T KNOW HIS WASHERWOMAN.]
If i had a boy now who had enny simptoms ov enny kind ov lawless,
unfixed, and flux noshuns, and who didn’t seem tew kare whether he ever
amounted tew enny thing or not, and who couldn’t tell whare he waz last
night till half past two this Morning, and who couldn’t recognize hiz
own washer-woman, and who wanted tew go into bizzness fur himself, at 16
years old, with a kapital ov two bottles ov Phalon’s extrakt, and a
mustash, that resembled the mold on a pound ov limeberger cheese, I
would say confidenshally tu him:
“_Son_, i hav ben tew blame thus far in frameing yure timber, but yu kan
bet them pattent leather boots yu hav got on, and witch haint bin paid
for yet, that from now hereafter yu hav got tew begin agin, and weed out
yure gardin sass, and sucker yure grape vine, and plough up yure wild
oats, and underdrain yure swamp land, and bush hook yure briar patch and
fix yure farm for a krop ov sum kind ov grain that will not disgrace
both son and daddy, when it iz brought tew market.”
This iz the way i would converse with the young Billings, and if he
didn’t begin, in ten minnitts, tew take an akount ov hiz bad dets, but
begin tew argy the pint with me, and ackt yung rooster up and down in
front ov me, mi strong impreshun iz now, that i would retreat a step and
let fly mi left purswader, and land that boy sum 60 feet futher oph than
he waz.
It would hav bin six hundred dollars in mi vest pocket if sum
philanthropisst, about thirty years ago, had got mi knob in chancery,
and not given up the case till he had punched out ov my hed the fresh
water noshun that the best way tew foller a blind trail in the
wilderness waz not tew take enny compass.
This kind ov ded sure knowledge, amung fresh yung men, haz landed four
hundred out ov evry five hundred ov them, before they had got half way
thru life, into sum soft swamp, and the other hundred hav sot out the
close ov their lifes on a fence, lamenting the hard work they did, in
their younger daze, tew make * * * phools ov themselfs.
I kno it iz az eazy az chawing gum, for a yung instutution ov a boy, who
haz got a burning-fluid natur, tew be anxious tew jine all the
torch-lite doings in the country, and tew holler “amen” before the
prayer iz haff through; but i feel it my duty tew tell these camphene
children tew cork up their litening.
I don’t want enny body’s boy Billy tew be a ded hed; a skim-milk cheeze;
a colporter of water gruel; a putty babeling; a kurl-papered nussery
doll; an apron-tied anatomy blonde; a timid corpse amung hiz phellows,
afraid ov a bug, and satisfied with a kitten.
I ain’t voting for this breed ov boys; i only ask the virginity ov mi
sex tew make up their minds, from the experiences ov those who have
observed the elaphant, that youth waz given them, not tew be boss, but
apprentiss; not tew lead, but tew foller; not tew harvest, but tew
plant.
There iz no danger in turning a snaik loose; even before he gits fairly
haired out, natur teaches him tew make his fust wiggle a correct pattern
for hiz last one. She makes him a snaik from the word “go,” and nothing
else, and if he takes a noshun tew go tew the devil--who cares?
But ov all the most deplorabel luck that kan be the inheritance ov a
camphene boy, i don’t kno ov a more dangerous one than tew be hiz own
master, or the master ov hiz daddy.
I hav known sum ov theze excentricks that Satan couldn’t ketch, who hav
dodged him suckcessfully for the whole ov their lives, but i kan tell
you, mi dear boys, it is no credit tew match yourselfs against the
devil, even if you hav a ded soft thing. This beating the devil at his
own game, is like surviving the small pox, it may make yu proff agin sum
more small pox, but yu are sure tew show sum ov the dents.
Dear Brigham, theze remarks are not intended tew be personal, they
wouldn’t fit yu enny more than a side-saddle would fit the back stretch
ov a trottin track, for i know yu hav bin broke tew stand without
tieing.
SHORT REPLYS.
DEAR Alice.--I kno nothing about musik. I dont kno this tune from the
other.
I dont kno “Yankee doodle” from “Now I lay me on the grass,” or “Mary
had an infant sheep.”
I am unkommon sorry for this, but dont think that i am to blame for it.
I hav melody in me sumwhare, for enny boddy kan make me kry if they are
kareful.
I love the tender az i do a rare boiled egg.
I hav shed menny a tear, without enny boddy knoing it, over some
mother’s catch, or simple lulaby.
But this iz kalled mere weakness by the artistiks.
I hav seen wimmin in opera, and also hav seen them in fits, and prefer
the fits, for then i kno what tew do for them.
Yu must git sum proffessor ov musik tew answer yure letter, for i don’t
kno enny more about klassikal musik than i do about being a
mother-in-law.
Theze are two very hard things tew komprehend.
I understand all about ice kream, and if yu ever kum down our way, we
will hav a bowl ov it together.
It dont seem tew require enny branes tew luv ice kream, and i dont kno
az it duz tew luv musik.
* * * * *
_Pensive Rebekker._--I got yure letter bi mistake, for the letter yu
sent me, yu wrote for the other phellow.
I am only sorry on the other phellow’s ackount, for yure deskripshun ov
him, which i should hav received, may worry him.
It don’t hurt my pheelings tew be called a “_pokey dunce_.”
I never waz mutch ov a favourite, not even with miself, and often think
i am what yu kall me, a “_strapping monster_.”
Dont let this little mistake on yure part worry yu, for i luv frankness,
and think just az mutch ov yu az i did before.
_Artless Jane._--In repli tew yure long letter, i will state promptly, I
kant see enny objekshuns tew yure lover kissing yu, not if yu want tew
hav him.
Theze things are all regulated by the law ov _supply_ and _demand_.
If thare iz a demand for it, the supply iz generally on hand.
I dont think it iz best tew be too extravagant in theze matters, for
kissing iz like all other hily konsentrated goods, a little ov it goes a
good ways.
Too mutch kissing is like molassis kandy, it spiles the hanker for plain
vittles.
But yure own good taste will decide when yu hav bin kisst enuff.
_Pretty Ruth._--Yu tell me that yure lover haz trifled with yure
pheelings, and fled.
This has alwus been the trubble, and alwas will be, whare kourting iz
did in a kareless way.
Courting iz business, and iz jist az mutch ov a game az hi lo jak.
If you let yure opponent see yure jak, he will be very apt teu swing and
ketch it.
Yu shouldn’t let yure lover see yure pheelings tew mutch, but make
beleave that yu haint got no jak in yure hand.
We all ov us luv what we have tew work the hardest for, and prize it the
most when we do git it.
I hav seen the game ov hi lo jak, that I am a talking about, played in
this way, and it waz well played too.
The phellow held a king, and a ten spot, and the gall held a jack, and a
duce.
The phellow swung for the jack with his king, and kaught the duce, and
then the gall swung with her jak, and kaught his 10 spot.
Theze kind ov galls never hav tew advertise for runaway lovers.
_Gay Betsey._--Mi opinyun ov oysters, on the haff shell, remains
unchanged. I konsidder them better vittles than ever jupiter, or hiz
wife Juno, swallowed, altho they had the pick ov all the best provishuns
in their day.
But i kant say that a woman kan take an oyster, oph from a shell,
without spileing the effekt.
It iz one ov them gimnastik feats, that they should alwas praktiss fust,
for a long time, in the subdued stilness ov sum private pantry.
I kant tell yu whether an oyster haz got enny pheelings or not, but i
kno they hav excellent taste, espeshily the saddle roks.
They hav more taste than judgement, and tho they are called muscles,
they have no muskaler strength.
They are also called “bivalves” bi the unlearned, but this iz a
vulgarism.
The true name iz “good-bye valves,” a term of affeckshun applied tew
them, when they waz fust swallowed whole oph from the haff shell.
If you will ponder into history, az i hav, yu will find menny sitch
thing az this tew provoke yure gratitude and wisdum.
Giv mi love tew yure sister Amelia, and tell her, that i say, she haz
got what but phew wimmin hav, who hav got az mutch buty, she haz got a
sweet temper.
A sweet temper always grows brighter with age, while buty iz extra
hazardous, and perishable goods.
MI DEAR MISS JEMIMA JOSEPHINE JENKINS:
I received your kind letter on time, asking me tew impart mi influence
tew prokure for yu the privilege (and sundry and divers other females in
yure school deestrikt) tew vote, and hav offis, and do the same things
that men do.
[Illustration]
I hav thought over the thing industriously, and should be happy to floor
miself, and all mi energys at yure feet in enny cauze that i thought waz
for your happiness and final suckcess.
I am in favour ov wimmin, and they kan own me at enny moment bi asking
for me or dropping me a letter.
I owe them mi existence, mi fust nourishment, and mi fust virtews.
If i am ever saved it will be the result ov woman’s care and influence,
at a time when i want worth saving.
Woman haz dun for me what no man could or would do.
But, Jemima, Eve, yure gratist grandmother, committed a mistake, a good
deal bigger than the one which yu are anxious tew commit, but thare iz a
remote similarity in the mistakes.
She wanted tew kno and hav a hand in awl that waz a going on, and the
Devil offered tew teach her, and yu hav heard what the result waz.
Mi advise tew yu iz tew stay right whare yu are, yu hav a power now that
never kan be less if yu hold on to it, but if yu spit on yure hands tew
git a better holt yu may lose yure grip entirely.
When yu begin tew vote yu hav got tew learn how tew wrangle, tew jaw
back, tew intrigue, and bet yure stamps on the election, and if yu vote
contrary tew yure husband thare will be a muss in the family, and if he
votes kontrary tew yu there will be a bigger muss in the family.
Voting iz a mere negatiff power ennyhow. If a vote aint hove right it iz
wuss than no vote, and what assurance hav yu tew offer that yu are going
tew vote right? Yu hav more sensitiveness than the men have, and
konsequently more prejudices, yu hav got full az mutch vanity and a heap
more stubborness.
Thare iz more than haff the votes hove now without judgement or
influenced bi others.
If yu git hold ov the ballot box what reformashuns dew yu propose?
I hav never saw yure platform.
Yu will vote against whiskee, i hope, and tobbacco, and whiskers, and
club rooms, and trotting hosses, and pitching cents, and staying out
late nights, and wearing pattent leather boots, two sizes too small, and
lots ov this kind ov male iniquity, but what are yu going tu vote _for_?
Yu will hav tew vote agin trials bi jury, and dispoze ov them or else yu
will hav tew sit on jurys, and will this be yure best style?--eight men
and four wimmin locked up in a jury room all night together, on bred and
water, with yure husbands peeking thru the key holes, tew see how the
verdik is a going.
Yu will hav tew vote agin a poll tax, and git rid ov poll taxes, or, if
yu are poor, yu will hav tew work yure tax out on the road, alongside ov
sum rum drinking and tobbaco chawing wretch, who will take grate pains
tew chaw, and sware, tew show hiz superiorite tew yu.
Yu will hav tew vote agin all riots, and reserexkshuns, and thus put an
end tew them, or else when thare iz an irish riot, to kill oph the
surpluss niggers, yu will hav tew cum out armed with sumthing, if
nothing more than a pair ov tongs, and just az like az not looze yure
best waterfall in the mussness, jist think how billyous this will be.
Yu will hav tew vote agin awl kind ov housework, for how kan yu run the
United States government, if yu are kept patching pantaloons all the
time?
Yu will hav tew vote agin enny more human beings making their
appearance, for who iz a going tew nourish the babe, while yu are down
tew the town hall, trieing tew elekt a favourite constabel, yure husband
kant do it enny how, unless yu hav him rekonstrukted.
Suppoze yu git elekted tew congress from yure distrikt, every woman in
the country, who haz got a husband thare, will be on hand tew watch how
things are a going, and yu will be acused ov transgreshuns, that never
entered yure hed, or hart.
Suppoze yu had a vote to day, dew yu know of enny woman on arth, that yu
would vote for, i mean, unmarried woman, like yureself?
Miss Jemima, Josephine, Jenkins, the more i grind these things in mi
mind, the more i think yu had better turn yure attenshun towards
harvesting a good hustband, and making his house the envy ov the
naberhood, bi the gentle, and domestik virtews, which Heaven haz so
lavishly loaned tew yu, rather than attending caucusses, holding wimmin
convenshuns, or travelling athwart the country, in company with a set of
longhaired, male hybrids, who haven’t got enny reputashun tew spare, and
who will cheat yu out ov what yu hav got.
If you or enny other virtewous, gentle woman, wants an ernest defender,
one who beleaves that yure sex holds the ballance ov power now, one who
looks upon a mother (who ever she iz) az the queen ov the situation, one
who looks upon a sister az an angel friend, one who looks upon a
daughter az the gift of God, one who looks upon a wife with awl the
pathos of venerashun, if yu want any help from sich a pheller, in
battling with the trials that Heaven haz planted in the pathway ov a
womans legitimate sphear, send for me, i am yure man.
But i hav no ambishun tew see yu a voter, and i think the hour which
sees yure sex, in this country, voters, will see the eazy and rapid
dissolushun ov the only barrier we have, between the coarse instinkts ov
man, and the sakred safety ov the domestick vertews, ov which yu hav
been ordained the vestal keepers.
Pardon me, Miss Jemima, if mi language in this letter iz strong, it cums
from a strong place, mi heart, if i didn’t mean what i say i should hav
bin az sweet az a courtier, i should hav torked about the gorgeous
mission of woman, the exalted career that might be opened for her in
walks yet untrod, and other rhapsodys in the key bugle style, but i kno
the power that woman haz over me, and i kno whare it lays, it dont lay
in the ballot box, it lays in that misterious delikasy ov hers, thoze
silken threads, whoze power iz invisible.
In summing up, if i kno ennything about human natur all that “_Wimmin’s
rights_” means, iz, _more power_, and enny woman who would exchange a
single article, in the “magna-karta” which she now iz empress ov, for
the whole ov the byelaws, constitushun, and power sought for, in the
ranting programme ov a “wimmins right convenshun,” would be swapping an
intrinsick bower, for an emaskulated privilege.
“_Barney._”--I received the rat tarrier yu sent me by the Merchants’
Union Express, last evening, and gave him a quart ov milk for hiz tea.
He pocketed the milk, and wagged for sum more; it made him stick out
like a false caff.
He slept sound last night, and hasn’t waked up yet, altho it iz now 10
o’clock this morning.
I have stopped writing tew tickle hiz nose with a pin, and he iz now
rushing things around the room for sum rats.
He haz just tipped over a Chinese god, worth 8 dollars, and broke him,
he will git rats when mi wife cums in.
He kant find enny rats, and is now chawing oph mi little boy’s toe--to
hiz shoe.
He iz now crazy for rats agin, and will smash the other vase agin, I’ll
bet.
Thare goes the other vase, bi thunder! all tew powder.
He iz now out ov wind, and iz running hiz tung out and in.
He wants tew go out doors for sumthing, and i hav let him went.
He haz just found a poor little boy in the street, whom he knows, and
the boy seems tew know him, and they hav gone round the next block, on a
run, together, tew see sumthing.
He don’t seem tew cum back!
It iz now to-morrow, and the tarrier don’t seem tew cum back.
My wife iz glad ov it.
I am out 2 vases, a quart of nu milk, and one tarrier.
My wife sez, if i ever buy another rat pup, she will put him tew
immediate soak in the cistern at onst.
Mi wife iz one ov them kind ov wimmin that don’t make enny statements
unless they are true, so yu needn’t send me enny more tarrier.
“_Fred._”--Yu aint obliged tu ask a gals mother, if yu ma go home with
her from a partee, git the gals endorsement, and sale in; it iz proper
enuff tu ask her tu take yure arm, but yu haint got no rite tu put yure
arm around her waste, unless yu meet a Bear on the rode, and then yu are
bound tu take yure arm away, just az soon az the Bear gits safely by.
[Illustration]
“_Snyder._”--Rats originally cum from Norway, and i wish they had
originally staid thare. They are about as uncalled for as a pain in the
small ov the back. They kan be domestikated dreadful eazy, that is, as
far as gitting in cupboards, and eating cheese, and knawing pie, is
concerned.
The best way tew domestikate them that ever I saw, is tew surround them
gently, with a steel trap; yu kan reason with them then tew grate
advantage.
Rats are migratorious, they migrately whare ever they hav a mind to.
Pisen is also good for rats; it softens their whole moral naturs.
Cats hate rats, and rats hate cats, and--who don’t.
I serpose thare is between 50 and 60 millions of rats in Amerika (i
quote now entirely from memory,) and i don’t serpose thare is a single
necessary rat in the whole lot. This shows at a glance how menny waste
rats thare is. Rats enhance in numbers, faster than shoe pegs do by
machinery. One pair ov helthy rats is awl that enny man wants tew start
the rat bissiness with, and in ninety days, without enny outlay, he will
begin tew hav rats,--tew turn oph.
_Stujent._--We never furnish ortograffs in less quantity than bi the
package. It iz a bizness that grate men hav got into, but it dont strik
us az being profitable nor amuzing. We furnished a near and very dear
friend our ortograff a few years ago, for 90 days, and it got into the
hands ov one of the banks, and it kost us $275 tew get it back. We went
out of the bizzness then, and have not hankered for it sinse.
Manifess destiny iz a disseaze, but it iz eazy tew heal; i hav seen it
in its wust stages cured bi sawing a cord ov dri hickory wood. I thought
i had it onse, it broke out in the shape ov poetry; i sent a speciment
ov the disseaze tew a magazine, the magazine man wrote me nex day as
follers:
“_Dear Sur_: Yu may be a darn phule, but yu are no poeck. Yures, in
haste.”
_Matty_--It iz very natral that you should ask me in what manner you
should reseave the proposal from your lover. It iz sumthing ov a trick
tew dew it nice. You don’t ought tew jump into the collar suddin, nor
fly back suddin, like a bocky hoss, but yu ought tew take it kind,
looking down hill, with an expreshun, about half tickled and half scart.
After the pop iz over, if your luvver wants tew kiss you, I dont think I
would say yes or no, but let the thing kind ov take its own course.
_Mirakle_:--Yu sa “yu kant understand the mirakle ov the whale, that
swallered Joner.” I dont serpose that Joner, nor the whale, ever fully
understood it themselfs. I kant tell yu what Joner did while in the
whale’s sosiety; but i kno what a yankee would hav did, he would hav
rigged a rudder on the animal, and run him into port, and either klaimed
the ile for salvage, or sold out his chanse.
SHORT, BUT SWEET.
[Illustration]
_Richard._--Yu done wisely tew ask me questions in _Natral history_. I
am perfektly at hum amung beasts, burds, and fishes. I kan tell whi the
flea bights, whi the bull bellers, and whi the rinosseross hasn’t got
but one tusk, and that on the top of his knoze. I hav writ the biography
ov all theze kritters, from the genial muskeeter and pensiv cockroach
klean up tew the elephant, with hiz trunk, and the lion, who hain’t got
enny trunk at all. You ask me about the zebra. The zebra iz a striped
hoss, the wildesst thing in natral history ov hiz size, and az hard tew
civilize az the hyena, and az useless, when civilized, az the osstritch
or the rattlesnaik. They don’t inhabit the United States at large; they
may liv in Kanda, if they hav a mind to--I never hav been thare tew
diskover. They are about the size ov a moderate mule, but they kant kik
with the mule. Thare ain’t nothing that kiks for phun or kiks for a
living that kan outkik a mule, except it iz an old-fashioned,
Continental, revolushionary war, Fourth ov July musket. Put about 3 and
a haff inches ov powder into one ov theze old vetrans of 1776, ram it
down heavy, and lay it on a stump, and tutch it oph with a slo match,
and I had just az leafs stand in front ov it az tew stand in the rear ov
it. Thare iz sum ov the oldest and crossest ov theze muskets that will
kik, and even squeal, if yu go near them, whether they are loaded or
not. The zebra iz ov no use whatever only tew look at, at 25 cents a
chance, in sum circus tent, but after they are broke they are spilte for
enny thing else. They are like all other wild animals--fleet only for a
short distance; and civilizashun iz a grate damage tew them, just az it
iz tew an injun. Deth iz the only kind ov civilizashun that an injun kan
understand.
_Caroline._--Yu ask me whi i dont write sweet, and sentimental, and
luvly things.
I aint bilt right, Caroline, for that kind ov labor.
I am tew round-shouldered, tew write perfumed sentances.
When i git hold ov an idee, i hav tew let it go out, into the world,
like a bird oph from mi hand, bareheaded, and barefooted, a sort ov
vagrant.
If i should undertake tew dress it up in fine clothes, sum folks would
say i stole the idee, and other folks would say i tried tew steal the
clothes, tew dress it in, and got ketched at it.
I make no pretentions tew literature, i pay no homage tew elegant
sentances, i had rather be the father ov one genuine, original truth, i
don’t kare if it iz az humpbacked az a drumudary, than tew be the author
ov a whole volume ov glittering cadences, gotten up, for
wintergreen-eating schoolgirls tew nibble at.
_Benjamin._--Horace Greeley iz not what may be termed a praktikal
farmer, he iz what iz kalled a dikshionary farmer.
The papers tell us he looks for cabages on trees, digs for apples, hunts
stun walls for hens eggs, haz tried tew improve the flavor ov mutton, by
a kross ov the hidraulik ram on the south-down, splits the duks feet, so
they kan stand a fair chance with a hen when they cum tew the skratch,
combs hiz roosters heds, by cutting oph their topnots, lathers and
shaves hiz phatting hogs 3 times a week, makes his cows wear
greengogles, so they will mistake shavings, and peabrush for clover,
piks hiz geese once in 24 hours tew keep them cool, and throws away the
feathers, digs a hoel in the ground and plants oats, a pek in a place,
and runs a grind stun, and two pattent churns, by konnekting sum kind ov
a pattent kontrivance to hiz cows tails in fli time.
Now if theze fakts are trew, Horace Greely iz not a praktikal farmer, he
iz only a genius in husbandry a hundred years ahed ov the time.
I haven’t mutch doubt miself a hundred years from now science and
theory, and book larning will have so changed agrikultur that every time
a hen laze an egg, they won’t indulge in the silly kackel they do now,
but will sing sum lively air, and the old rooster will dance tew the
musik in front ov the nest.
Thare iz a good time comeing, so we are told, and we have waited so long
for it, we might az well hang on now till it cums.
_Prudence._--I received yure kind letter yesterday, and must admit that
i kant answer yure question.
_I don’t kno what a Dolly Varden iz._
I kno that all the ladys, when they walk out, hav an immense sight of
clothes, all in one spot, about the center ov their backs, but whether
this iz a Dolly Varden, or knot, I dont kno, and darsent ask.
I hav looked in Webster unabridged, and kant find it thare. I hav waded
in the ensiklopedio, and lo! it aint thare. I have asked all mi bacheler
friends, and they blush, and begin tew talk about the poets, Longfellow
and Harry Bassett. I have spoke tew married men about it, (I am married
too) and they say “_hush_” and pass on in a grate hurry, and I begin tew
guess, the whole thing iz a kussid sell, got up expressly to Bear the
market.
Prudence, I giv it up square, I dont kno what a Dolly Varden iz, and I
aint a going tew try to find out enny more nuther, for I am satisfied,
from what I hav found out about it allready, that it iz none ov mi
bizzness.
_Picayune._--The sucker iz not a game phish, the very name indicates
that.
They won’t bight at a hook, and are a lazy set ov vagrants, emigrating
in the spring ov the year, out ov muddy mill ponds, up sluggish streams,
into the country.
They kant liv in swift water, they are too lazy tew ketch their breth in
it.
They are az tasteless az a merino potatoe, and az for general
intelligence, are jist about on a par, with a korn kob.
They are kaught with a spear, and thare iz just about az mutch sport in
it, az stabbing seed cowcumbers in a garden, by moonlite, with a
three-tined fork.
_Howard._--Your letter iz come tew hand and its kontents karefully
weighed, and I find that they don’t weigh heavy.
In reply, we beg leaf tew state that the North Pole haz not bin found
out yet.
Du notiss ov its length, and its size at the butt, and the kind ov fowls
that hav bin roostin on it, and the kind ov wood on which it iz bilt,
and the amount ov kindling wood it would undoubtedly make, well split
up, and its universal history will appear in the Spice Box collum, just
az soon az the Pole iz got.
In the mean time keep cool, kultivate your mustash, be polite tew your
ritch aunt, if you hav got one, studdy Hall’s guide tew health, and shun
all grass-widders.
_Caroline._--Yu ask us, “Which iz worth the most tew a woman, buty, or
modesty.”
For a quick return, perhaps buty iz, but for an investment, for the sake
ov the interest, we rekomend modesty.
Modesty never grows stale, but buty iz like bukwheat kakes, aint good
kold, nor warmed up nex day.
We konsider buty one ov the best _kollatterals_ that a woman kan
possess, but if she haint got nothing else but buty, she aint no better
off than she would be with a life insurance policy, which was forfeited
for the non-payment of premiums.
Buty alone wont _wear_ well, and thare iz a grate deal of it now daze
that wont _wash_ at all and keep its color.
JOSH REPLIES.
“_Thomas._”--“Jordan is a hard road to travel,” i kant tell you who was
the inventor ov this saying, sum foot sore cus probably, who waz too
lazy to keep a hoss and waggon, or else a hotel darkey carryin’ trunks
all day.
[Illustration: A HARD ROAD TO TRABBLE.]
“_Ferdinand._”--“Man wants but little here belo, nor wants that little
long,” iz a libel, man _wants_ evrything he kan see, or hear ov, and
never is willing to let go ov hiz grab. Whenever yu find a man who iz
thoroughly satisfied with what he has got, yu will find either an ideot,
or one who haz tried to git more and couldn’t do it.
The older a man grows, the more wantful he bekums, and az hiz hold on
life slakens, hiz pinch on a dollar grows grippy.
“_Herod._”--He that puts a small value on hiz services, issues proposals
tew the lowest bidder. When yu make a request ov divine Providence, it
iz best to be modest, if yu expekt to git what you ask for, but there is
so little modesty in the world, between men, that when we cum acrost it,
we mistake it for ignorance or imbecility. Yu will often see little boys
ketching flies, and killing them just for fun, but you don’t see them
ketch hornets just for fun. The sting in the hornet’s tail iz what makes
him respektable.
“_Miller._”--Yu hav got it right the fust time, ingratitude is one ov
them crimes that evry boddy sticks up their noze at, it is the worst
insult we kan giv, or receive, it lets a man drop down belo the level ov
the dum brutes, for the yellowest, and meanest dog in the United States
wags hiz tail, if yu throw him but a burnt crust. What an awful thought
it iz, that ingratitude iz the common sin against God.
“_Matilda._”--Kissing is one ov the rudiments, babys are learnt it
instead ov the alphabet, but they dont understand the strong points in
it, yet they seem tew luv it without knowing why, this iz a bricky
argument that kissing iz one ov naturs most natural noshuns. I kant tell
yu whether thare is enny pertikular etiket to be observed in
administrating a kiss or not. Between lovers it iz sumtimes usual to
kiss and hang on, but it strikes me that the best way iz tew cum up
frunt face, in single file, then fire and fall back one pace, this gives
the patients a chance tew get the flavour. The grate buty ov a kiss lies
in its impulsiveness, and in its impressibility, two pretty big words,
but worth the munny.
I haven’t dun enny thing in the kissing line, (ov an amateur natur,) ov
late years, and there may be sum new dodge, that i aint posted in, but
the old-fashioned, 25 year ago kind, i remember fresh, that kind didn’t
hav enny mathematicks in it, but waz more like spontaneous combustion.
Kissing, az a general thing, iz not very interesting tew bystanders, and
iz sumtimes even looked upon, by a third party, az uncalled-for.
“_Warwick._”--“He that giveth tew the poor, lendeth tew the Lord,” if yu
had read yure Bible az mutch az i hav, yu wouldn’t hav asked me if
Shakespeare wrote this remark.
Charity iz az mutch ov a privilege, az it iz a duty, and lending to the
Lord, iz undoubted security, for enny man’s munny.
He that gives nothing away while living, dies a bankrupt, and hiz estate
iz generally settled by hiz heirs, a good deal az the crows settle a ded
hoss, by pitching into the remains.
Thare iz menny folks whoze hearts bile with charity, but whoze
extremitys are cold, a half a dollar kontrakts tew a 3 cent piece, by
the time it reaches the end ov their fingers.
“_Gildad._”--Yure juicy letter haz questions enuff tew make a
distrikt-school-master faint, and if i should answer them all, yu would
be fuller ov edukashun than an aulmanak.
Who the author ov the saying, “the good die yung,” waz, i don’t care,
but i will remark, if that iz a good bet, the yunger a man kan die the
better; and not tew be born at all, iz a ded sure thing.
Again, az it regards the number ov years that a kat kan live, that
depends entirely upon circumstances, they kant liv over Sunday with me.
“_Abel._”--Yu kant pick out a hipokrite by his looks, enny more than yu
kan a fat oyster by the shell, they are frequently like an old musket,
laid away up garret, hav often bin known, tew let oph a charge, that had
been sleeping, with one eye open, for 3 years. They are like
silver-plated forks, wear well for a long time, but are sure to show the
odious brass at last.
“_Hannibal._”--Giving presents, with the hope of receiving presents in
return, takes away awl the cream ov giving, or receiving, it is like
swopping skim-milk, for milk that has bin skimd.
“_Mercury._”--“Owe for a lodge in sum vast wilderness,” waz the private
opinion of Mr. Cowper, one ov the very few men, who hav lived yet, who
waz pure enuff, tew monopolize a woods, without enny company but his
soul, and the God who made it. Most people holler for solitude without
thinking that it iz a thickly settled place, full ov memorys. Solitude
is the last place for a good man to go to, and the only place that a
wicked man kant liv in. Even wild beasts dont like solitude, and luv tew
see the smoke ov a chimbly. Solitude, in small doses, iz all well enuff,
but 25 miles square ov it, would make most men, either a counterfiter,
or a hoss thief.
JOSH BILLINGS CORRESPONDS WITH A “HAIR OIL AND VEGETABLE BITTERS MAN.”
_Dear Doktor Hirsute_:--I reseaved a tin cup ov yure “Hair purswader,”
also a bottle ov yure “Salvashun Bitters,” bi express, for which, I
express my thanks.
The greenbak, which yu enklozed waz the kind ov purswader that we ov the
press fully understand.
Yur hair grease, shall hav a reglar gimnastik puff, jist az soon az i
kan find a spare time.
I tried a little ov it on an old counter brush in my offiss, this
morning, and in 15 minnitts, the brussells grew long az a hosses tale,
and i notis this afternoon, the hair begins tew cum up thru, on bak ov
the brush, ’tis really wonderful! ’tis almoste Eureka! I rubbed a drop
or two on the head ov mi cane, which haz bin bald for more than 5 years,
and beggar me! if I don’t hav to shave the cane handle, evry day, before
I can walk out with it.
I hav a verry favrite cat, she iz one ov the Hambletonian breed ov cats,
and altho she iz yung, and haint bin trained yet, she shows grate signs
ov speed.
I thought I would just rub the corck ov the bottle on the floor, in the
corner ov the room whare the cat generally repozes.
The consequents waz, sum ov the “purswader” got onto the hair ov the
cat’s tale.
When the cat aroze from her slumbers she caught sight ov her tale, which
had growed tew an exalted size; taking one more look at the tale, she
started, and bi the good olde Moses! sich running; across the yard! over
the fence! up wun side ov an apple tree! and down the other! out into
the fields, away! away! The laste i saw ov the cat, she waz pretty mutch
awl tale.
[Illustration]
I wouldn’t hav took 10 dollars for the cat, with her old tale on her.
In a fu daze, i shall find a spare time, and then i shall write up, for
our paper sumthing pyroteknik, which will make the hair grow on the head
ov a number 2 mackrel, to read it.
Dear Dokter, the fact iz, “sum men are born grate, sum men git grate
after they are born, and sum men hav grateness hove upon them.”
Doctor, you are awl 3 ov these men, in one.
Yu are a kind ov vegitable trinity, sassyfrass, pokeroot, and
elderberry.
It waz a happee thought in you, tew call your “Salvashun Bitters” a
“vegatabel tonicks,” although, old rye aint one ov the vegatabels,
whiskee iz one ov the tonicks.
The people must hev tonicks, and the more vegatabels you kan git into
the gratest amount ov whiskee, the more the peopel will luv you.
Thare is nothing the christian world long for so mutch, just now, as a
vegatabel bitter.
Sassyfrass is good for a lonesum stummuk, pokeroot is an alteratiff, and
Elderberry was known to the anshients, but what! oh tell me what! yee
whispring winds, what! are all these without whiskee.
Thank the Lord, that at laste, we hav got a bitter, that will tonick a
man up.
Nothing, sinze the good old daze ov Jamaka Rum, and sider Brandee, haz
sent sich a thrill ov joy thru the wurld, az “Hirsute’s Salvashun
Bitters,” sold respektably bi awl druggists, far and near.
Go on Doktur, manafaktring, and selling, let the cod liver, and pattent
truss men, howl out in envy, let pills rant, and plasters rave, you hav
got what the wurld wants, and will have, and that iz, an erb bitter,
with a broad whiskee basis.
P. S.--Let me advize yu az a friend; if it iz indispensible necessary
tew cheat a little, in the manufakter ov the “Salvashun Bitters,” let it
by awl means be in the rutes, dont lower the basis.
Yures quietly,
JOSH BILLINGS.
{KARACTER VARIETY.}
[Illustration]
THE GASSY MAN.
The gassy man iz a kind ov itinerant soda fountain, a sort ov
hi-preshure reservoi ov soap-suds, who spouts bubles and foam, whenever
he opens hiz mouth.
Theze quacks in the small beer line, hav but phew branes, but their
branes are like yeast, they kant rize without running over every thing.
I have known them tew argy a point 3 hours and a half, and never offer
one good reazon in the whole time.
They mistake words for ideas, and their tongues travel tew just about az
mutch purpose az a boy’s wind mill duz, in the teeth ov a stiff nor
wester.
They are the vainest ov all human beings that hav yit bin discovered,
and think, bekauze people kant eskape their furios effervescence, they
are pleazed and convinced.
I never knu one ov theze windmills yet, but what thought Soloman waz
almost an ideot kompared tew them, and I never knu one to ever diskover
hiz mistake.
Yu mite az well undertake tew git the pride out ov a pekocks tail, bi
laffing at it, az to convinse theze phellows that what they say aint
either wit or wisdum.
The gassy man iz not bi enny means a bad man at heart, he iz often az
good natured az he is phoolish, but hiz friendship aint worth mutch more
tew yu than the luv ov a lost pup, who iz reddy tew phollow enny one off
who will pat him on the back.
THE SHARP MAN.
The sharp man iz often mistaken for the wize one, but he iz just az
diffrent from a wize one az he iz from an honest one.
He trusts tew hiz cunning for suckcess, and this iz the next thing to
being a rogue.
The sharp man iz like a razor--generally too sharp for enny thing but a
shave.
Theze men are not tew be trusted--they are so constituted that they must
cheat sumboddy, and, rather than be idle or lose a good job, they will
pitch onto their best friends.
They are not exackly outkasts, but liv cluss on the borders ov
criminality, and are liable tew step over at enny time.
It iz but a step from cunning tew raskality, and it iz a step that iz
alwuss inviting to take.
Sharp men hav but phew friends, and seldum a konfident. They hav learnt
tew fear treachery by studying their own naturs.
They are alwuss bizzy, but like the hornet, want a heap ov sharp
watching.
The sharp man iz alwuss a vain one. He prides himself upon his cunning,
and had rather do a shrewd thing than a kind one.
THE LAZY MAN.
Next tew the weak man the lazy man iz the wust one i kno ov, without
necessarily being a viscious one.
He iz too indolent tew praktiss hiz virtews, if he haz got enny, and
therefore iz konstantly open tew vice, which iz haff-brother tew
lazyness.
It iz hard work tew phind lazyness and virtew mixt, but thare iz sitch a
thing.
Indolence iz one ov the wust mildews i kno ov--it iz the grate leak that
haz let thousands ov men drizzle away.
Lazyness iz not positively a crime, but they look and akt wonderphully
alike.
Lazyness iz not ornamental even tew an old man, but tew a yung one it iz
a shining disgrase.
I hav seen lazy men that i thought waz innocent, but i never felt like
warrenting one ov them for more than 90 daze.
THE NERVOUS MAN.
One ov the most unkumfortable kritters in this world iz the nervus man.
He discounts all hiz griefs, and suffers more from trubbles that never
happen, than enny boddy else duz from trubbles that do cum.
Hiz ears are like a rabbits, always on end for sum disaster, and hiz
nostrils are like the asses, snuffing misfortune out ov the east wind.
He steps az though he waz walking on eggs, and lays down like a kat in
frunt ov a rat hole, reddy for a spring.
Theze poor phellows suffer without simpathy, and enjoy without
satisfacshun.
The nervous man iz a long lived bird, though hiz nerves are alwus
strung, he lasts like an old phiddle.
Altho i kant help but pitty the nervus man i am aware that he haz
moments ov plezzure that are equal tew whole hours, they are so
intensified.
Whatever he duz enjoy he enjoys the whole ov, passing the bounds ov
reality, he revels in the illimitable fields ov imaginashun and fancy.
I think I would rather have more nerves than i could manage than not tew
hav enny, and mope on thru life az sum men do, with nothing about me so
exciteable az mi relish for pork and beans.
THE DIGNIFIED MAN.
It iz often the kase that the dignified man iz nothing more than an owl
amung humans.
He dont alwus kno but little, but when he duz he haz tew be kareful ov
that little and look wize even if he dont prove tew be so.
One good hoss laff would spile him for life; if he lets go ov hiz
dignity, hiz kapital iz all gone and he iz ruined forever.
The dignified man that i am talking about, never takes enny chances, he
weighs every word before it iz uttered, and meazzures every ackshun
before it iz expressed, and iz generally az free from blunders, or hits,
az a tud stool iz. If he ever duz kik up and frolik he iz like the
elastik elephant, and gay and kussid like the hippopotamus or wild sea
hoss.
Dignity iz often substituted for wisdum, and iz quite often mistaken for
it, but thare iz az mutch diffrence between them az thare iz between a
puter 10 cent piece and a genuine haff dollar.
I decided long ago not tew giv enny man kredit for being wize, just
bekauze he wouldn’t bend hiz back or laff when he had a right tew be
tickled.
Sum ov the most suckcessfull phools i hav ever met were as grave az a
kut stone, and most all the truly wize that i hav had the honor tew be
introduced to, were alwuss a hunting for a good place tew roll on the
grass.
Extreme gravity, in mi lexicon, stands for an extreme phool.
THE WEAK MAN.
A weak man wants just about az mutch watching az a bad one, and haz dun
just about as mutch damage in the world.
He iz every boddy’s friend, and tharefore he iz no ones, and what he iz
a going tew do next iz az unknown tew him as tew others.
He haint got enny more backbone than an angleworm haz, and wiggles in
and wiggles out ov every thing.
He will talk to-day like a wize man, and to-morrow like a phool, on the
same subjekt.
He alwuss sez “Yes,” when he should say “No,” and staggers thru life
like a drunken man.
Heaven save us from the weak man, whoze deseptions hav no fraud in them,
and whoze friendships are the wuss desighns he kan hav on us.
[Illustration: JOSH BILLINGS HAVING FINISHED HIS BOOK, MEDITATES
SUICIDE, BUT IS A LITTLE UNCERTAIN AS TO THE MODE.]
TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE
List of changes from the printed edition:
page original changed to
------------------------------------------------------------------
vii The Lam and the Duv The Lam and the Dove
vii To Komic Lekturers To Comik Lekturers
viii The Bullhead The Bull Head
viii Mud Turkles Mudturkles
viii The Partridge The Patridge
viii The Hoop Snaix The Hoop Snaik
viii The Eel Snaix The Eel Snaik
viii The Partridge The Patridge
viii 204 203
viii The Tree Tud The Tree-Tud
viii Devils Darning Needle Devil’s Darning Needle
viii Fust Impresuns Fust Impreshuns
ix Embers on the Hearth Embers on the Harth
ix The Faultfinder The Fault-Finder
ix The Border Indjun The Border Injun
ix The Projector The Projektor
ix [missing entry] The Precise Man 344
ix The Posatiff Man The Positiff Man
ix Coquette and Prude Coquett and Prude
ix At Niagra Falls At Niagara Falls
ix Dandy and Thimble Rigger Dandy and Thimble-Rigger
ix Agrikultural Hoss Trot Agrikultural Hoss-Trott
ix Pashunce of Job Pashunce ov Job
x Sum Vegetable History Sum Vegetabel History
x Beau Bennett Beau Bennet
xvi Nuñez de Bilboa Nuñez de Balboa
xxi Tell me.’ Tell me.”
xxiv our first meeeting our first meeting
xxvii Mr Shaw Mr. Shaw
xxix its meteorologica faith its meteorological faith
47 tew lift. i kant tew lift. I kant
47 a mistake. i thought a mistake. I thought
49 in biles. i wouldn’t in biles. I wouldn’t
49 the road. i must the road. I must
62 aud the boyish and the boyish
76 Laffiing iz just Laffing iz just
94 a a blak kloud a blak kloud
103 more unpleasaut to view more unpleasant to view
108 the harth. i should the harth. I should
112 mi manhood. if i mi manhood, if i
118 rooling in!” rooling in!
121 dont know him. dont know him.”
122 them out. and then them out, and then
133 cornfield,, but thare cornfield, but thare
149 the rackkoon the rackoon
159 The partridge iz The patridge iz
168 for a hen. i hav for a hen. I hav
169 trew euuff for poetry trew enuff for poetry
189 the buggbear the bugg bear
203 will roam.’ will roam.”
205 on this subjekt. on this subjekt.)
206 should end it viktory should end in viktory
211 Laffiing is only Laffing is only
211 the natural ones the common the natural ones, the common
235 espeshliy the full stop espeshily the full stop
254 nitro-glycerine. the best nitro-glycerine, the best
257 from thistles, but from thistles,” but
270 aud well disiplined baby and well disiplined baby
270 trieing tewsmash trieing tew smash
274 i should as soon i should az soon
287 morality is a merchandize morality iz a merchandize
307 no better than than the no better than the
318 haz even seen haz ever seen
339 I have know men I have known men
380 tu the the reproof tu the reproof
384 met one. i hav met one. I hav
432 it iz now 9 oclk, P. M. it iz now 9 clok, P. M.
448 told than 10 dollars told that 10 dollars
454 hiz sufferings, hiz sufferings.
459 JOHN BILLINGS JOSH BILLINGS
469 in the grave, yard in the graveyard
470 for a quarter,” for a quarter.”
497 Salvashun Bitters,” “Salvashun Bitters,”
*** End of this LibraryBlog Digital Book "The Complete Works of Josh Billings" ***
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