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Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 107, August 11, 1894
Author: Various
Language: English
As this book started as an ASCII text book there are no pictures available.
Copyright Status: Not copyrighted in the United States. If you live elsewhere check the laws of your country before downloading this ebook. See comments about copyright issues at end of book.

*** Start of this Doctrine Publishing Corporation Digital Book "Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 107, August 11, 1894" ***

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  PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

            VOL. 107.

         August 11, 1894.



  LORD ORMONT'S MATE AND MATEY'S AMINTA.

      BY G***GE M*R*D*TH.

  VOLUME III.

And now the climax comes not with tongue-lolling sheep-fleece wolves,
ears on top remorselessly pricked for slaughter of the bleating imitated
lamb, here a fang pointing to nethermost pit not of stomach but of
Acheron, tail waving in derision of wool-bearers whom the double-rowed
desiring mouth soon shall grip, food for mamma-wolf and baby-wolf,
papa-wolf looking on, licking chaps expectant of what shall remain; and
up goes the clamour of flocks over the country-side, and up goes howling
of shepherds shamefully tricked by Æsop-fable artifice or doggish
dereliction of primary duty; for a watch has been set through which the
wolf-enemy broke paws on the prowl; and the King feels this, and the
Government, a slab-faced jubber-mubber of contending punies,
party-voters to the front, conscience lagging how far behind no man can
tell, and the country forgotten, a lout dragging his chaw-bacon hobnails
like a flask-fed snail housed safely, he thinks, in unbreakable shell
soon to be broken, and no man's fault, while the slow country sinks to
the enemy, ships bursting, guns jammed, and a dull shadow of defeat on a
war-office drifting to the tide-way of unimagined back-stops on a lumpy
cricket-field of national interests. But this was a climax revealed to
the world. The Earl was deaf to it. Lady CHARLOTTE dumbed it
surprisingly. Change the spelling, put a for u and n for b in the
dumbed, and you have the way MORSFIELD mouthed it, and MATEY swimming
with BROWNY full in the Harwich tide; head under heels up down they go
in Old Ocean, a glutton of such embraces, lapping softly on a pair of
white ducks tar-stained that very morning and no mistake.

"I have you fast!" cried MATEY.

"Two and two's four," said BROWNY. She slipped. "_Are_ four," corrected
he, a tutor at all times, boys and girls taken in and done for, and no
change given at the turnstiles.

"Catch as catch can," was her next word. Plop went a wave full in the
rosy mouth. "Where's the catch of this?" stuttered the man.

"A pun, a pun!" bellowed the lady. "But not by four-in-hand from
London."

She had him there. He smiled a blue acquiescence. So they landed, and
the die was cast, ducks changed, and the goose-pair braving it in dry
clothes by the kitchen fire. There was nothing else to be done; for the
answer confessed to a dislike of immersions two at a time, and the hair
clammy with salt like cottage-bacon on a breakfast-table.

Lord ORMONT sat with the jewels seized from the debating, unbeaten
sister's grasp.

"She is at Marlow," he opined.

"Was," put in Lady CHARLOTTE.

The answer blew him for memory.

"MORSFIELD's dead," his lordship ventured; "jobbed by a foil with button
off."

"And a good job too."

Lady CHARLOTTE was ever on the crest-wave of the moment's humour. He
snicked a back-stroke to the limits, shaking the sparse hair of
repentance to the wind of her jest. But the unabashed one continued.

"I'll not call on her."

"You shall," said he.

"Shan't," was her lightning-parry.

"You shall," he persisted.

"Never. Her head is a water-flower that speaks at ease in the open sea.
How call on a woman with a head like that?"

The shock struck him fair and square.

"We wait," he said, and the conflict closed with advantage to the
petticoat.

A footman bore a letter. His step was of the footman order, calves
stuffed to a longed-for bulbousness, food for donkeys if any such should
chance: he presented it.

"I wait," he murmured.

"Whence and whither comes it?"

"Postmark may tell."

"Best open it," said the cavalry general, ever on the dash for open
country where squadrons may deploy right shoulders up, serre-files in
rear, and a hideous clatter of serjeant-majors spread over all. He
opened it. It was AMINTA's letter. She announced a French leave-taking.
The footman still stood. Lord ORMONT broke the silence.

"Go and be----" the words quivered into completion, supply the blank who
will.

But her punishment was certain. For it must be thus. Never a lady left
her wedded husband, but she must needs find herself weighted with charge
of his grand-nephew. Cuckoo-tutor sits in General's nest, General's wife
to bear him company, and lo! the General brings a grand-nephew to the
supplanter, convinced of nobility beyond petty conventions of
divorce-court rigmarole. So the world wags wilful to the offshoot,
lawn-mowers grating, grass flying, and perspiring gardener slow in his
shirt-sleeves primed with hope of beer that shall line his lean ribs at
supper-time, nine o'clock is it, or eight--parishes vary, and a wife at
home has rules. A year later he wrote--

"SIR,--Another novel is on hand. Likely you will purchase. Readers gape
for it. Better than acrostics, they say, fit for fifty puzzle-pages.
What price?
                                   "G***GE M*R*D*TH."
                       THE END.

       *       *       *       *       *

  [Illustration: NO END TO HIS INIQUITIES.

  (_From a Yorkshire Moor._)

_Sportsman (awaiting the morrow, and meeting Keeper as he strolls
round)._ "WELL, RODGERS, THINGS LOOK FAIRLY HOPEFUL FOR TOMORROW, EH?"

_Rodgers (strong Tory)._ "WELL, SIR, MIDLIN', PRETTY MIDLIN'. BUT, OH
DEAR, IT'S AWK'ARD THIS 'ERE TWELFTH BEIN' FIXED OF A SUNDAY!" (_With
much wisdom._) "NOW, MIGHT MR. GLADSTONE HA' HAD HANYTHING TO DO WI'
THAT ARRANGEMENT, SIR?" ]

       *       *       *       *       *

  THE MARCH OF CIVILISATION.

(_From a Record in the Far East._)

_Step One._--The nation takes to learning the English language.

_Step Two._--Having learned the English language, the nation begins to
read British newspapers.

_Step Three._--Having mastered the meaning of the leaders, the nation
start a Parliament.

_Step Four._--Having got a Parliament, the nation establishes school
boards, railways, stockbrokers, and penny ices.

_Step Five._--Having become fairly civilised, the nation takes up art
and commerce.

_Step Six._--Having realised considerable wealth, the nation purchases
any amount of ironclads, heavy ordnance, and ammunition.

_Step Seven._--Having the means within reach, the nation indulges in a
terrific war.

_Step Eight and Last._--Having lost everything, the nation returns with
a sigh of relief to old-fashioned barbarism.

  [Illustration: THE TRIUMPH OF CIVILISATION!]

       *       *       *       *       *

  [Illustration: A HINT TO THE POSTAL AUTHORITIES.

THE EMPLOYMENT OF GOOD-LOOKING AND ATTRACTIVE YOUNG MEN IN CLEARING THE
LETTER-BOXES UNDOUBTEDLY RESULTS IN FREQUENT DETENTION OF THE MAILS.]

       *       *       *       *       *

  EASTWARD HO!

  "Oh East is East, and West is West," says strenuous RUDYARD KIPLING,
  And what has the West taught to the East,
    save the science of war, and tippling?
  To ram, and to torpedo, and to drain Drink's poisoned flagons?
  And Civilisation sees her work in--armour-plated Dragons!
  The saurians of primeval slime they fought with tooth and claw,
  And SHO-KI'S dragon, though possessed of wondrous powers of jaw,
  And MIOCHIN'S scaly monster, whereat SHO-KI'S pluck might melt,
  And the dragon speared by stout St. George in the bold cartoons
       of SKELT,--
  These were but simple monsters, like the giants slain by JACK,
  But your dragon cased in armour-plate with turrets on his back,
  And a charged torpedo twisted in his huge and horrid tail.
  Is a thing to stagger Science, and to make poor Peace turn pale!

  Yes, East is East, and West is West; but the West looks on the East,
  And sees the bold Jap summoning to War's wild raven-feast
  The saffron-faced Celestial; and the game they're going to play
  (With a touch of Eastern goriness) in the wicked Western way.
  For the yellow-man has borrowed from the white-man all that's bad,
  From shoddy and fire-water, to the costly Ironclad.
  He will not have our Bibles, but he welcomes our Big Guns,
  And he blends with the wild savagery of Vandals, Goths or Huns,
  The scientific slaughter of the Blood-and-Iron Teuton!--
  A sight that Civilisation would right willingly be mute on.
  But these armour-plated dragons that infest the Yellow Sea
  Are worse than the Norse "Dragons" whose black raven flag flew free
  O'er fiord and ocean-furrow in the valorous Viking days.
  Heathen Chinee and Pagan Jap have learned our Western ways
  Of multitudinous bloodshed; every slaughtering appliance,
  Devices of death-dealing skill, and deviltries of Science
  Strengthen the stealthy Mongol and the sanguinary Turk;
  And Civilisation stands, and stares, and cries,
    "Is this _my_ work?"

       *       *       *       *       *

  Mem. by a Muddled One.

  "Poems in Prose" seem all the go.
    _They_'re bad enough, but worse
  The dreary hotch-potch we all know
    Too sadly;--prose in verse!

       *       *       *       *       *

  OLD THREE-VOL.

  There rose two Book-Kings in the West,
    Two Kings both great and high;
  And they have sworn a solemn oath
    Good old Three-Vol. shall die.

  They took a pen and wrote him down,
    Piled sins upon his head;
  And they have sworn a solemn oath
    Good old Three-Vol. is dead.

  But when "the Season" comes once more,
    And folks for fiction call,
  Old Three-Vol. _may_ rise up again,
    And sore surprise them all!

       *       *       *       *       *

  REMNANTS.

  (_A Pindaric Fragment._)

    In the young season's prime
  Yon remnant felt its major portion reft,
    And waited for the surplus time
    Ingloriously left.

  For it no glories of the lawn,
  No whirling in the valse that greets the dawn,
  No record in the fleeting roll of fame
    That gives the wearer's name,
  And tells a waiting world what gown she wore;
    While that which went before
  No cheaply-sober destiny has found
    But graced fair Fashion's ground,
    Where Pleasure, gaily deck'd,
  Within the fancied circle of select,
  Watches the Polo cavalry at war,
  The victim pigeons tumbled in their gore,
  The rival Blues at Lord's, the racing steeds
    On Ascot's piney meads,
  Or where luxuriant Goodwood's massy trees
    Murmur to no common breeze,
  And see afar the glint of England's summer seas.

  Impute no fault, ye proud, nor grandeur mock,
    If frugal Elegance, discreet and fair,
    The aftermath of lavish Fashion reap,
    And, having waited long with nought to wear,
    Get the same goods, though late, and get them cheap.
    Next year the daintiest gowns by lawn and lock
    May haply be the fruit of surplus summer stock.

       *       *       *       *       *

POPE FOR THE EMANCIPATED SEX.--"The understudy of mankind is woman."

       *       *       *       *       *

  LYRE AND LANCET.

  (_A Story in Scenes._)

  PART VI.--ROUND PEGS IN SQUARE HOLES.

  SCENE IX.--_The Entrance Hall at Wyvern._

_Tredwell_ (_to_ Lady CANTIRE). This way, if you please, my lady. Her
ladyship is in the Hamber Boudwore.

_Lady Cantire._ Wait. (_She looks round._) What has become of that young
Mr. ANDROM----? (_Perceiving_ SPURRELL, _who has been modestly
endeavouring to efface himself._) Ah, _there_ he is! Now, come along,
and be presented to my sister-in-law. She'll be enchanted to know you!

_Spurrell._ But indeed, my lady I--I think I'd better wait till she
sends for me.

_Lady Cant._ Wait? Fiddlesticks! What! A famous young man like you!
Remember _Andromeda_, and don't make yourself so ridiculous!

_Spurr._ (_miserably_). Well, Lady CANTIRE, if her ladyship _says_
anything, I hope you'll bear me out that it wasn't----

_Lady Cant._ Bear you out? My good young man, you seem to need somebody
to bear you _in_! Come, you are under My wing. _I_ answer for your
welcome--so do as you're told.

_Spurr._ (_to himself, as he follows resignedly_). It's my belief
there'll be a jolly row when I _do_ go in; but it's not my fault!

_Tred._ (_opening the door of the Amber Boudoir_), Lady CANTIRE and Lady
MAISIE MULL. (_To_ SPURRELL.) What name, if you please, Sir?

_Spurr._ (_dolefully_). You can say "JAMES SPURRELL"--you needn't
_bellow_ it, you know!

_Tred._ (_ignoring this suggestion_). Mr. JAMES SPURRELL.

_Spurr._ (_to himself, on the threshold_). If I don't get the chuck for
this, I _shall_ be surprised, that's all!

                              [_He enters._

  [Illustration: "What name, if you please, Sir?"]

  SCENE X.--_In a Fly._

_Undershell_ (_to himself_). Alone with a lovely girl, who has no
suspicion, as yet, that I am the poet whose songs have thrilled her with
admiration! _Could_ any situation be more romantic? I think I must keep
up this little mystification as long as possible.

_Phillipson_ (_to herself_). I wonder who he is. _Somebody's_ Man, I
suppose. I do believe he's struck with me. Well, I've no objection. I
don't see why I shouldn't forget JIM now and then--he's quite forgotten
me! (_Aloud._) They might have sent a decent carriage for us instead of
this ramshackle old summerhouse. We shall be _hours_ getting to the
house at this rate!

_Und._ (_gallantly_). For my part, I care not how long we may be. I feel
so unspeakably content to be where I am.

_Phill._ (_disdainfully_). In this mouldy, lumbering old concern? You
must be rather easily contented, then!

_Und._ (_dreamily_). It travels only too swiftly. To me it is a
veritable enchanted car, drawn by a magic steed.

_Phill._ I don't know whether he's magic--but I'm sure he's lame. And I
shouldn't call stuffiness _enchantment_ myself.

_Und._ I'm not prepared to deny the stuffiness. But cannot you guess
what has transformed this vehicle for me--in spite of its undeniable
shortcomings--or must I speak more plainly still?

_Phill._ Well, considering the shortness of our acquaintance, I must say
you've spoken quite plainly enough as it is!

_Und._ I know I must seem unduly expansive, and wanting in reserve; and
yet that is not my true disposition. In general, I feel an almost
fastidious shrinking from strangers----

_Phill._ (_with a little laugh_). Really, I shouldn't have thought it!

_Und._ Because, in the present case, I do not--I cannot--feel as if we
_were_ strangers. Some mysterious instinct led me, almost from the
first, to associate you with a certain Miss MAISIE MULL.

_Phill._ Well, I wonder how you discovered _that_. Though you shouldn't
have said "Miss"--_Lady_ MAISIE MULL is the name.

_Und._ (_to himself_). Lady MAISIE MULL! I attach no meaning to
titles--and yet nothing but rank could confer such perfect ease and
distinction. (_Aloud._) I should have said _Lady_ MAISIE MULL,
undoubtedly--forgive my ignorance. But at least I have divined you. Does
nothing tell you who and what _I_ may be?

_Phill._ Oh, I think I can give a tolerable guess at what _you_ are.

_Und._ You recognise the stamp of the Muse upon me, then?

_Phill._ Well, I shouldn't have taken you for a _groom_ exactly.

_Und._ (_with some chagrin_). You are really too flattering!

_Phill._ Am I? Then it's your turn now. You might say you'd never have
taken me for a _lady's maid_!

_Und._ I might--if I had any desire to make an unnecessary and insulting
remark.

_Phill._ Insulting? Why, it's what I _am_! I'm maid to Lady MAISIE. I
thought your mysterious instinct told you all about it?

_Und._ (_to himself--after the first shock_). A lady's maid! Gracious
Heaven! What have I been saying--or rather, what _haven't_ I? (_Aloud._)
To--to be sure it did. Of course, I quite understand _that_. (_To
himself_). Oh, confound it all, I wish we were at Wyvern!

_Phill._ And, after all, you've never told me who _you_ are. Who _are_
you?

_Und._ (_to himself_). I must not humiliate this poor girl! (_Aloud._)
I? Oh--a very insignificant person, I assure you! (_To himself._) This
is an occasion in which deception is pardonable--even justifiable!

_Phill._ Oh, I knew _that_. But you let out just now you had to do with
a Mews. You aren't a rough-rider, are you?

_Und._ N--not _exactly_--not a _rough_-rider. (_To himself._) Never on a
horse in my life!--unless I count my _Pegasus_. (_Aloud._) But you are
right in supposing I am connected with a muse--in one sense.

_Phill._ I _said_ so, didn't I? Don't you think it was rather clever of
me to spot you, when you're not a bit horsey-looking?

_Und._ (_with elaborate irony_). Accept my compliments on a power of
penetration which is simply phenomenal!

_Phill._ (_giving him a little push_). Oh, go along--it's all talk with
you--I don't believe you mean a word you say!

_Und._ (_to himself_). She's becoming absolutely vulgar. (_Aloud._) I
don't--I _don't_; it's a manner I have; you mustn't attach any
importance to it--none whatever!

_Phill._ What! Not to all those high-flown compliments? Do you mean to
tell me you're only a gay deceiver, then?

_Und._ (_in horror_). Not a _deceiver_, no; and decidedly not _gay_. I
mean I _did_ mean the _compliments_, of course. (_To himself._) I
mustn't let her suspect anything, or she'll get talking about it; it
would be too horrible if this were to get round to Lady MAISIE or the
CULVERINS--so undignified; and it would ruin all my _prestige_! Ive only
to go on playing a part for a few minutes, and--maid or not--she's a
most engaging girl!

   [_He goes on playing the part, with the unexpected result of sending
       Miss_ PHILLIPSON _into fits of uncontrollable laughter._

  SCENE XI.--_The Back Entrance at Wyvern._
_The Fly has just set down_ PHILLIPSON _and_ UNDERSHELL.

_Tredwell_ (_receiving_ PHILLIPSON). Lady MAISIE'S maid, I presume? I'm
the butler here--Mr. TREDWELL. Your ladies arrived some time back. I'll
take you to the housekeeper, who'll show you their rooms, and where
yours is, and I hope you'll find everything comfortable. (_In an
undertone, indicating_ UNDERSHELL, _who is awaiting recognition in the
doorway._) Do you happen to know who it is _with_ you?

_Phillipson_ (_in a whisper_). I can't quite make him out he's so
flighty in his talk. But he _says_ he belongs to some Mews or other.

_Tred._ Oh, then _I_ know who he is. We expect him right enough. He's a
partner in a crack firm of Vets. We've sent for him special. I'd better
see to him, if you don't mind finding your own way to the Housekeeper's
Room, second door to the left, down that corridor. (PHILLIPSON
_departs_.) Good morning to you, Mr.--ah--Mr.----?

_Undershell_ (_coming forward_). Mr. UNDERSHELL. Lady CULVERIN expects
me, I believe.

Tred. Quite correct, Mr. UNDERSHELL, Sir. She do. Leastwise, I shouldn't
say myself she'd require to see you--well, not _before_ to-morrow
morning--but you won't mind _that_, I daresay.

_Und._ (_choking_). Not mind that! Take me to her at once!

_Tred._ Couldn't take it on myself, Sir, really. There's no particular
'urry. I'll let her ladyship know you're 'ere; and if she wants you,
she'll send for you; but, with a party staying in the 'ouse, and others
dining with us to-night, it ain't likely as she'll have time for you
till to-morrow.

_Und._ Oh then, whenever her ladyship should find leisure to recollect
my existence, will you have the goodness to inform her that I have taken
the liberty of returning to town by the next train?

_Tred._ Lor! Mr. UNDERSHELL, you aren't so pressed as all _that_, are
you? I know my lady wouldn't like you to go without seeing you
personally; no more wouldn't Sir RUPERT. And I understood you was coming
down for the Sunday!

_Und._ (_furious_). So did _I_--but not to be treated like this!

_Tred._ (_soothingly_). Why, _you_ know what ladies are. And you
couldn't see _Deerfoot_--not properly, to-night, either.

_Und._ I have seen enough of this place already. I intend to go back by
the next train, I tell you.

_Tred._ But there _ain't_ any next train up to-night--being a loop
line--not to mention that I've sent the fly away, and they can't spare
no one at the stables to drive you in. Come Sir, make the best of it.
I've had my horders to see that you're made comfortable, and Mrs.
POMFRET and me will expect the pleasure of your company at supper in the
'ousekeeper's room, 9.30 sharp. I'll send the Steward's Room Boy to show
you to your room.

                    [_He goes, leaving_ UNDERSHELL _speechless._

_Und._ (_almost foaming_). The insolence of these cursed aristocrats!
Lady CULVERIN will see me when she has time, forsooth! I am to be
entertained in the servants' hall! _This_ is how our upper classes
honour poetry! I won't stay a single hour under their infernal roof.
I'll walk. But where _to_? And how about my luggage?

                              [PHILLIPSON _returns._

_Phill._ Mr. TREDWELL says you want to go already! It _can't_ be true!
Without even waiting for supper?

_Und._ (_gloomily_). Why should I wait for supper in this house?

_Phill._ Well, _I_ shall be there; I don't know if _that_'s any
inducement.

                              [_She looks down._

_Und._ (_to himself_). She is a singularly bewitching creature; and I'm
starving. Why _shouldn't_ I stay--if only to shame these CULVERINS? It
will be an experience--a study in life. I can always go afterwards. I
_will_ stay. (_Aloud._) You little know the sacrifice you ask of me, but
enough; I give way. We shall meet--(_with a gulp_)--in the housekeeper's
room!

_Phill._ (_highly amused_). You _are_ a comical little man. You'll be
the death of me if you go on like that!

                              [_She flits away._

_Und._ (_alone_). I feel disposed to be the death of _somebody!_ Oh,
Lady MAISIE MULL, to what a bathos have you lured your poet by your
artless flattery--a banquet with your aunt's butler!

       *       *       *       *       *

  [Illustration: ARTFUL.

_Mamma (to Johnny, who has been given a Pear with Pills artfully
concealed in it)._ "WELL, DEAR, HAVE YOU FINISHED YOUR PEAR?"

_Johnny._ "YES, MAMMA, ALL BUT THE SEEDS!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

  A BETTING MAN ON CRICKET.

  Cricket may be a _game_, but I can't call it sport,
    For "the odds" at it aren't to be reckoned.
  There the last's often first ere you come into port,
    While the first is quite frequently second.
  There was Surrey, you see, slap a-top o' the tree,
    While Sussex was bang at the bottom.
  But, thanks to the in-and-out form of the three,
    You _never_ know when you have got 'em!
  For when I backed Surrey with cheerful content.
  Why Kent walloped Surrey, and Sussex whopped Kent!!!

       *       *       *       *       *

  OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

"There are, methinks," quoth the Baron, "two or three novels--one
certainly I can call to mind--wherein the interior domestic life of Jews
strict in the observance of their ancient and most touching religious
rites and ceremonies is more amply, as well as more minutely, described
than in Mr. FARJEON'S _Aaron the Jew_, which, be it my pleasing duty to
testify, is one of the best of this prolific author's works; a simple,
touching story, the interest being well kept up, as of course the
"interest" should be when dealing with the true history of one who
commenced as a pawnbroker." As to the rites above mentioned, no special
or intimate personal experience is shown to be possessed by the author,
who could very easily have obtained his materials from an interesting
work entitled, as I fancy, _The Jew at Home_, which has, the Baron
regrets to say, disappeared from its shelf in the Baron's library.
_Aaron_ is lively, is gay, is witty, a "_Jew d'esprit,_" and, like _Mr.
Peter Magnus_, he amuses a small circle of intimate friends; but his
story, and that of his sweet wife _Rachel_, as related by Mr. FARJEON,
will increase this friendly circle to a very considerable extent. The
Baron ventures to think that a good deal of the dialogue and of the
descriptive writing is unnecessary,--but Mr. FARJEON likes to give
everyone plenty for their money,--and, further, that the story would
have gained by the loss of what would have reduced the three volumes to
two. But altogether, the novel is "recommended" by the interested but
disinterested

                              BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.

       *       *       *       *       *

  A VOTE OF THANKS.

  _By a Hard-up Journalist._

    [A strange light has appeared on that part of the surface of
    Mars not illuminated by the sun. The _Westminster Gazette_
    of August 2 asks the question, "Is Mars signalling to us?"]

  Oh, men of Mars, we thank you, your behaviour's really kind!
  (Forgive us if you've lately slipped somewhat out of mind!)
  For now the silly season's set in with all its "rot,"
  You once more raise the question whether you exist or not.

  No doubt the good old topics will trot out yet again:--
  "Is Flirting on the Increase?" "Is Marriage on the Wane?"
  Big gooseberries as usual with sea-serpents will compete,
  To help the British Press-man his columns to complete!

  But you, my merry Martians, have opportunely planned
  A mild but new sensation for the holidays at hand;
  Your planet's "terminator," it seems, is now ablaze--
  'Tis, say the _cognoscenti_, a signal that you raise!

  What is it that you're shewing terrestrial telescopes?
  Is't pills you're advertising, or booming patent soaps?
  How on earth can one discover what by this beacon's meant,
  Whether news of Royal Weddings or Railway Strikes is sent?

  Alas! We haven't mastered the transplanetic code;
  Your canals are yet a riddle, in vain your fires have glowed!
  Still, do not let your efforts each August-tide abate--
  You furnish us with "copy," which maintains the Fourth Estate!

       *       *       *       *       *

DISTINGUISHED VISITORS TO BOURNEMOUTH.--The Royal Bath Hotel announces
"Private Suites." Is "General Bitters" there also?

       ***

EDUCATIONAL MOTTO. (_For Mr. Acland's use._)--"A place for every child,
and every child in its place."

       *       *       *       *       *

  [Illustration: ON A CERTAIN CONDESCENSION IN FOREIGNERS.

_He._ "OH, YOU'RE FROM AMERICA, ARE YOU? PEOPLE OFTEN SAY TO ME, 'DON'T
YOU DISLIKE AMERICANS?' BUT I ALWAYS SAY 'I BELIEVE THERE ARE SOME VERY
NICE ONES AMONG THEM.'"

_She._ "AH, I DARE SAY THERE _may_ BE TWO OR THREE NICE PEOPLE AMONGST
SIXTY MILLIONS!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

  "MOWING THEM DOWN!"

["He (Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT) confessed that he was not
enamoured of these exceptional measures, and he resorted to
them with extreme regret. But if he were asked for a
justification of this motion, he would refer hon. gentlemen
to the Order Book of the House of Commons."]

  _Gunner_ HARCOURT, _loquitur_:--

  Exceptional measures I hate,
    I'd rather not always be battling;
  The good old "Brown Bess" I prefer, I confess,
    To a new (Parliamentary) Gatling.
  To fight in the old-fashioned way,
    Good temperedly, fairly, politely,
  Is more to my mind; but these fellows, I find,
  Will not _let_ a leader be knightly.

  If BALFOUR would only fight fair;
    And impose that condition on BARTLEY;
  If JOE would not ravage and shriek like a savage;
    Did TOMMY talk less, and less tartly;
  Were GOSCHEN less eager for scalps,
    And kept a tight rein upon HANBURY;
  Why then 'twere all right; we'd soon get through our fight
    And hatred in love's flowing can bury.

  But no, they're like Soudanese blacks,
    All fury and wild ugly rushes.
  They shriek and they shock, and they hack and they hock,
    Till chivalry shudders and blushes.
  And so the machine-gun, I find,
    Is just the one thing _will_ arrest 'em.
  They've quite lost their head, but a fair _rain_ of lead
    Played on them will try 'em and test 'em!

  _Whir-r-r-r!_ GEORGE! how it's mowing them down,
    Their Advance-guard,--"Amendments" they dub them!
  They swarm thick and thicker. The handle turns quicker!
    'Tis dreadful; but then we _must_ drub them.
  As COURTNEY so gallantly said,
    'Tis "deplorable"; troubles _me_ sorely.
  But if ARTHUR and JOE _won't_ make terms,
             why, you know,
    They really can't blame me and MORLEY!

       *       *       *       *       *

  AIRS RESUMPTIVE.

  II.--THE LINKS OF LOVE.

  My heart is like a driver-club,
    That heaves the pellet hard and straight,
  That carries every let and rub.
    The whole performance really great;
  My heart is like a bulger-head,
    That whiffles on the wily tee,--
  Because my love distinctly said
    She'd halve the round of life with me.

  My heart is also like a cleek,
    Resembling most the mashie sort,
  That spanks the object, so to speak,
    Across the sandy bar to port;
  And hers is like a putting green,
    The haven where I boast to be,
  For she assures me she is keen
    To halve the round of life with me.

  Some wear their hearts upon their sleeve,
    And others lose 'em on the links;
  (This play of words is, by your leave,
    Rather original, one thinks;)
  Therefore my heart is like to some
    Lost ball that nestles on the lea,
  Because my love has kindly come
    To halve the round of life with me.

  Raise me a bunker, if you can,
    That beetles o'er a deadly ditch,
  Where any but the bogey-man
    Is practically bound to pitch;
  Plant me beneath a hedge of thorn,
    Or up a figurative tree,
  What matter, when my love has sworn
    To halve the round of life with me?

       *       *       *       *       *

  THE YELLOW AGE.

  The poets sing of a Golden Age.
    Are we trying to start its fellow?
  The _Yellow Aster_ is all the rage;
  The Yellow Races in war engage;
  The Primrose League wild war doth wage,
  And the much-boomed Book in cover and page
    Like the Age itself is--Yellow.
  Well, Yellow's the tint of Gold--and Brass!
  Of the Golden Calf--and the Golden Ass!
  Of the "livery" face and the faded leaf,
  But 'tis tedious, very, beyond belief.
  I own I am little inclined to smile
  On the colour of age, decay, and bile
    And mustard, and _Othello_;
  I'm tired, I own, of it's very look,
  And I feel compelled to cock a snook
  At the Yellow Primrose, the Yellow Book.
      Though an Age indeed
      That runs to seed
    Is like to run to Yellow!

  [Illustration: "MOWING THEM DOWN!"

  GUNNER H--RC--RT. "NOT MANY OF 'EM LEFT NOW!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

  [Illustration: EARLY LOGIC.

_Little Girl (of inquiring mind, to Stud Groom, looking at a Mare in
field with Foal)._ "HOW OLD IS THAT LITTLE HORSE?"

_Stud Groom._ "WELL, MISSY, HE'S ONLY FIVE DAYS OLD."

_Little Girl (to her Governess)._ "OH, NANA, DID _I_ RUN ABOUT THE
FIELDS WHEN I WAS FIVE DAYS OLD?"]

       *       *       *       *       *

  A LITTLE HOLIDAY.

_Sunday._--How exhausting is London life! Up late, night and morning.
Club. See summer number of illustrated paper. Pictures of pretty girls,
reclining in punts, hammocks, or deck-chairs, doing nothing, men helping
them. True holiday for jaded Londoner. Perhaps better without pretty
girls. Even more reposeful. Must get right away. Secluded place. No
pretty girls. That tiny inn JONES told me about. Miles from everywhere.

_Monday._--At Tiny Inn. Fine afternoon. Feel quite happy. With summer
clothes, summer numbers, flannels, straw hat, and other suitable things.
Seven miles from station. Beautifully clean. Perfectly quiet. Weather
changing. Raining. Landlord says, "Soon over." Eggs and bacon for
supper. To bed early.

_Tuesday._--Wake at five. Up at six to enjoy morning air. Eggs and bacon
for breakfast. Still raining. Landlord says, "Very remarkable, since in
this place it never rains." Somehow the clouds always pass over
neighbouring village, following the course of the river, the ridge of
the hills, or something. Have noticed in all country places that the
clouds always do this, except when _I_ am there. Impossible to lounge
under a tree in this rain. Stop indoors, smoke, and read summer numbers.
Eggs and bacon for lunch. Rain going on steadily. Put on flannels, go
out. Drenched. Eggs and bacon for dinner. Landlord says they hope to
give me some meat to-morrow. Butcher calls once a week apparently. Wet
evening. Somewhat tired of sitting on horsehair sofa with damaged
springs. Know all the summer numbers by heart. To bed at ten.

_Wednesday._--Wake at four. Toss about till six. Then up. Still raining.
Breakfast,--eggs and bacon. Landlord says if I cross two fields I shall
find the river and a punt. Thanks. Will wait till rain stops. He says it
is sure to stop soon. Ask him if one can get a London paper. Says they
sometimes have one at the stationer's, four miles off, but generally
only when ordered. Lends me a local paper of last week. Reduced to
summer numbers again. Begin to wish there were some pretty girls here,
after all. They might enliven things. After lunch,--of eggs and
bacon,--resolve to go out. Ask landlord where one can go. Don't like to
ask "if any girls about anywhere?" Accidentally landlord _does_ happen
to mention Farmer MUGGERIDGE'S daughters. I pretend indifference, but
inquire as to direction of MUGGERIDGE'S farm. Lose my way. Wander
helplessly. Steady downpour. Return, drenched. Butcher has not been.
Eggs and bacon for dinner. Smoke, and read advertisements--plenty of
them--in summer numbers. To bed at nine.

_Thursday._--Wake at three. Toss about till seven. Then breakfast--usual
dish. Rain, not quite so heavy. With fuller directions as to road, start
hopefully for MUGGERIDGE'S farm. Arrive there. Heavy rain again.
MUGGERIDGE loafing about. Country people always loaf about in rain. They
seem to enjoy it. Chat with him. He asks me in to have some cider.
Accept. Chance of seeing charming daughters. They enter! Now!... Oh!
awful!... Cider acid. Obliged to drink it. Hurry back. Lunch. Usual
dish. Still raining. Call in landlord, and ask eagerly about trains to
London. The next is to-morrow morning, at 8.20. Give way to despair.
Refuse eggs and bacon for dinner. Bed eight.

_Friday._--Leave in landlord's cart at seven, after usual breakfast.
Still raining steadily. Gave landlord all those summer numbers to amuse
future weather-bound visitors with imaginary pictures of rural
happiness. London once more! Hurrah! Dinner--_not_ eggs and bacon.
Theatre. Smoke at club. Avoid JONES. Tell SMITH I know the sweetest
place for country peace and seclusion. He writes down the address
eagerly. Those summer numbers will amuse him. To bed--any time!

       *       *       *       *       *

AT THE WINDOW.--Judging from the tone of JAMES PAYN'S delightful
_Note-Book_ this week, one fears that charming and cheery gossiper has
been "laid up," has been compelled to take his "Notes" from a sick-couch
at a window--has, in fact, for the time, become a window-PAYN! Well, a
window is no bad coign of vantage for an observant penman. "The World
from a Window" would make an excellent book, and JAMES PAYN would be the
very man to write it. Let Mr. PAYN think of it. _Mr. Punch's_ present
purpose, however, is to wish his good friend and favourite writer speedy
emancipation from the bonds of sickness and compulsory window-watching.

       *       *       *       *       *

  [Illustration: PREHISTORIC PEEPS.

THE NAVAL MANOEUVRES AFFORDED MUCH PLEASURABLE EXCITEMENT TO THOSE
CONCERNED!]

       *       *       *       *       *

  SATURDAY POPS.

  NEW SERIES.

"RUSTICUS," who is clearly "RUSTICUS EXPECTANS," was moved to write to
the _Chronicle_ on July 31st, to say that, though not a rich man, he
lives in a pretty Surrey village within an eightpenny return railway
fare of the City; and has a fairly large and quiet garden, with field,
&c. "The trees are all at their finest," he proceeds, "the flowers
looking very gay and walking in the garden." Capital fun this, when
flowers actually walk about. But no! it's "walking in the garden to-day
the thought came to me," so it's a walking thought, comparable,
doubtless, to a running commentary. Anyhow. "RUSTICUS" is moved--by the
thought of a "tired working-man or band of City workers" who would find
in his garden pleasure on a quiet Saturday afternoon--to make an offer.
Here are his words:--

    "I am a bachelor, therefore I say, men, you are welcome to
    my very simple hospitality if it is of any use to you. I can
    do with a limited number every or any Saturday. Any creed or
    class is welcome. All I stipulate for is honest souls. Come
    and smoke and talk under the trees and spend a quiet time
    away from the town. I simply condition--no publicity or
    fuss, the giving and acceptance of the invitation quietly,
    honestly, brother to brother. Would you, Sir, forward any
    letters on to me?"

This is of course an example which will be followed, and _Mr. Punch_ has
already had the following letter (amongst others), which he now prints
with pleasure.

SIR,--Owing to the Death Duties, I am no longer a rich man, but I have a
little house in Piccadilly, not more than a twopenny 'bus ride from
Charing Cross. It has occurred to me that some hungry working-man might
like to drop in to a quiet little dinner some night. I am a Duke,
therefore I say, comrades in depression, you are welcome to my roof, if
it's of any use to you. I can dine a hundred or so of you any or every
night. All I stipulate for is that there shall be no speaking, for
speaking bores me horribly.

               D-V-NSH-RE.

       *       *       *       *       *

  [Illustration: A TOWN MOUSE.

_Jones._ "WELL, MY LITTLE MAN, WHAT ARE _you_ THINKING ABOUT?"

_London Boy (who has never been out of Whitechapel before)._ "I'M
THINKIN' IT'S TIME YER MOTHER PUT YER INTO _Trousers_!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

  LOWERED!

  Rates, rates, rates,
    Of an exigent L. C. C.!
  And I'm glad they can't hear the language
    We utter so frequentlee!

  O well for the excellent Chairman
    For trying to reduce them a bit!
  O well for those Councillors wary
    Who on costly "improvements" sit!

  And "demand-notes" still go on,
    And our pockets are steadily bled;
  But "O (we oft sigh) for a tenpenny rate,
    And the sins of a 'Board' that is dead!"

  Rates, rates, rates!
    Thanks, men of the L. C. C.!
  We trust the farthing now taken off
    Will never go back to ye!

       *       *       *       *       *

  "AFTER THE HEALTH CONGRESS IS OVER."

  SCENE--_A Ball Room at the Mansion House._

_He. (resting)._ Good floor, isn't it?

_She._ Quite. But tell me, have you been attending the Congress?

_He._ Of course; that is why I received an invitation to-night.

_She._ And you found the lectures and all that most interesting?

_He._ Yes, very; and then there were the Opera and the theatres in the
evening.

_She._ But do let us talk about the Congress. Did you not discuss
sanitation?

_He._ Discussed it very much indeed. So fortunate too that we had the
meeting before everybody had left town.

_She._ Yes. But did you not inquire into microbes and all that?

_He._ Certainly; had a lot of talk about them, and finished them all up
just in time not to interfere with Goodwood.

_She._ And I suppose you found out the way to keep everyone in perfect
health?

_He._ That was the idea, and yet we floored Lords and the Oval.

_She._ But oughtn't every town to be in a satisfactory condition?

_He._ Why, yes. But that depends upon the season of the year. Of course,
some places are deadly dull when nothing's going on from a social point
of view.

_She._ I mean from a health point of view--oughtn't everything nowadays
to be simply excellent?

_He._ Yes, of course. That's the modern theory.

_She._ And yet, according to the papers, London is full of fever and
insanity.

_He._ I daresay; the Press men generally get their figures right.

_She._ But if, theoretically, everything is right, why should most
things be practically wrong?

_He._ You must really ask me another.

_She._ But you are strong upon health, are you not?

_He._ Very--in the lecture-room. And now, if you are rested, we will
have another turn.

                                        [_Exeunt dancing._

       *       *       *       *       *

  ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

  EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_House of Commons, Monday, July 30._--Having settled Budget Bill, and,
incidentally, brought CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER to Death's Door by
observations on Death Duties, TOMMY BOWLES has time to turn his
attention to another social question. Looks as if he were going to take
the Bicycle Fiend by the scruff of the neck. Herein he has opportunity
of deepening and enlarging his hold on affection and esteem of British
public. Bicycle Fiend has increased, is increasing, and, at least, ought
to be registered. He comes upon the hapless rider or pedestrian in quiet
country lanes, brushing him aside as if the earth were the Fiend's and
all the highways thereof. Bad enough in the country, where there is room
to get out of the way. In crowded streets of metropolis, Fiend pounces
round unsuspected corners upon elderly gentlemen, scattering streams of
peaceful passengers at peremptory sound of fearsome bell.

TOMMY B. got his eye on him. Not without suspicion that this new
departure has something to do with old, now closed, campaign against the
Budget. TOMMY warned the SQUIRE whilst in Committee that his Death
Duties would not reap the full harvest anticipated. Every little helps.
What with actual concussions and sudden frights, Bicycle Fiend leads in
course of financial year to considerable succession of property changing
on sudden death, with concurrent toll paid to Treasury. If the Bicycle
Fiend can only be placed on same footing as the common carrier, or the
harried hansom-cab driver, the death-rate would appreciably decrease,
and with it the flow of legacy and succession duties. TOMMY may or may
not look thus far ahead. No matter, if he only succeeds in restraining a
nuisance that is a disgrace to a civilised community.

The Member for SARK tells me he has a Short Way with the B. F., which
makes him to considerable extent indifferent to slower action of HOME
SECRETARY, who has evidently never had his shins barked by this agency.
SARK says when he takes his walks abroad he usually carries a stick or
umbrella. When, crossing a road, he hears the tinkle of the Fiend's
bell, insolently and imperatively ordering him out of the way on pain
of being run over, he, instead of flying for his life, as is the use of
the ordinary citizen, carelessly throws stick or umbrella lance-wise
across hollow of right or left arm, according as the Fiend approaches
from one direction or the other. Thus armed he leisurely pursues his
way. If the Fiend continues on the track, he will run with face or chest
on to the point of the umbrella. As that would be inconvenient to him,
he slows up or goes on another tack, and when he arrives home writes a
letter to the _Bicycling Blister_, indignantly denouncing a street
passenger who wouldn't get out of his way.

_Business done._--Vote on Account through Committee.

_Tuesday._--"PRINCE ARTHUR," said SARK, looking across at the Front
Opposition Bench whilst COURTNEY was speaking, "succeeds in hiding all
traces of storm behind a smiling countenance. JOSEPH, on the contrary,
more ingenuous, less acute in practice of worldly wiles, enables one to
realise, even at this long distance of time, what BALAK, the son of
ZIPPOR, King of Moab, looked like when he stood in the high places of
Baal, and listened to BALAAM'S remarks on the motion for the
time-closure to be applied to the Children of Israel, who had pitched
their tents in the plains of Moab beyond the Jordan at Jericho, and
declined to budge at the bidding of BALAK."

Appearance of Parliamentary BALAAM on scene dramatically effective.
Crowded House worked up to highest pitch of excitement by swift
encounter, in which JOHN MORLEY had followed PRINCE ARTHUR, and JOSEPH,
springing in from behind, had clouted the CHIEF SECRETARY on the head.
The SQUIRE had moved time-closure on Evicted Tenants Bill in speech the
studied tameness and provoking brevity of which had riled Opposition
much more than if he had belaboured them with Harcourtian phrase. SAGE
OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE said a few words, preparatory to packing up for
holiday; then COURTNEY rose from JOSEPH'S side to continue debate.
Members, taking it for granted that he, possibly with some reservations
in favour of Eviction Bill whose second reading he had supported, was
about to say ditto to JOSEPH on question of Closure, began to move
towards door. Arrested by COURTNEY'S solemn tone, and his expression of
regret, evidently unfeigned, at deplorable condition in which the House
found itself. "Woe to those through whom offences come!" cried COURTNEY
in voice which, as he said, was of one crying in the wilderness, and
seemed for its perfect effect to lack only hirsute garb, stave and
honeypot. "Through whom did the offence come? Surely," continued the
Prophet, bending shaggy eyebrows upon the bench where the Busy B's hive,
"the offence lies with those Members who, disregarding the true uses,
functions, duties, and high mission of the House, abuse their powers,
intent to destroy possibility of the right conduct of public business."

Not Ministers, then, with the SQUIRE at their head, responsible for the
deadlock, as PRINCE ARTHUR had painted the scene, and as JOSEPH had
touched it up with stronger colour. It was the Busy Bees. They and "a
junta of irresponsible landlords enforcing their will upon those who
ought to resist them."

O BALAAM! BALAAM! M.P. for Bodmin. Was it for this JOSEPH led thee into
the field of Zophim, to the top of Pisgah? For this did PRINCE ARTHUR
build seven altars, and offer up the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD on every one of
them? Long time since such a scene was wrought in the House. SAUNDERSON
pished and pshawed, and looked anxiously round for LOGAN. BARTLEY
blushed; HANBURY was hushed; and a tear trickled down the pale cheek of
TOMMY BOWLES--Cap'en no longer, disrated and denounced.

_Business done._--Time-Closure resolution carried.

_Thursday._--Such larks! Yesterday time-closure came into operation in
connection with Evicted Tenants Bill. Arranged that if debate on Clause
I not finished by eleven o'clock to-night, all Amendments remaining on
paper shall be submitted to vote without further debate. Obstruction
scotched; wriggles helplessly, like eel in muddy depths of river,
smitten by the spear.

"Shan't play," whimper PRINCE ARTHUR and JOSEPH, mingling their tears at
this fresh evidence of tyranny, this last illustration of man's
inhumanity to man.

Strike ordered in Unionist lines. Men throw down the pick; hand in the
shovel and the hoe; put on their coats; hang about corners of Lobby in
approved strike fashion. If HANBURY and the Blameless BARTLEY could only
be induced to stick short clay pipe in side of mouth (bowl downwards),
fasten a leather strap outside their trousers just below the knee, and
drink four-half out of pewters at bar in the Lobby, scene would be
complete.

Strike only partial. Fully one half the men refuse to go out; stand by
the masters, turning deaf ear to blandishments and threats of pickets
outside. Strange thing is that, working at half strength, output more
than doubled. Time-closure, with all hands at work, proposed to complete
Committee by eleven o'clock next Tuesday night. At ten minutes past six
this afternoon the whole thing through. Not hurried either. Thoroughly
debated, divided on, and Bill, in more than one instance, amended.

"Fact is," said the SQUIRE, beaming with chastened delight at turn
events taken, "we are over-manned just as London is over-cabbed. Must
see if something can't be done to reduce numbers by refusing licenses
for fresh elections when vacancies occur."

_Business done._--Evicted Tenants Bill through Committee. Building
Societies Bill far advanced.

  [Illustration: THE CARSON BANSHEE.

_John Morley._ "You see it's all right, my little man. I told you you
needn't be frightened of _him_. It was only his vapour. We're through
the Commons now! Come along, and I'll leave you at the door of the
Lords'. See how you get on there!"]

_Friday._--Back in the mud again. Strike operative only when Evicted
Tenants Bill under consideration. That standing over now for Report
Stage. Meanwhile take up again Equalisation of Rates Bill. Men on strike
stream in, tired of "playing." Wonderful their eagerness to get to work
again, their keen delight in sound of their own voices, so strangely
intermitted. BARTLEY, KIMBER, FISHER, JOKIM, and the WOOLWICH INFANT all
here again, with WEBSTER (of St. Pancras) wobbling all over the place,
like a hen that has laid an egg somewhere and can't for the life of her
just at the minute think where she left it.

_Business done._--Hardly any. As BARTLEY says, "must make up for lost
time when yesterday and day before work advanced by leaps and bounds."

       *       *       *       *       *

CRYPTOGRAMMATIST WANTED.--After a plain matter-of-fact paragraph in the
_Daily Telegraph_, stating that "Lord GREVILLE leaves town to-day for
Harrogate" (to undergo the "tonic sul-phur" cure, of course, _i.e._, of
water-course), there appeared this mysterious announcement, "Lord ROWTON
_leaves London to-day for some weeks._" Now where is "some weeks"? Of
course as his Lordship has quitted town for "some weeks," he evidently
prefers "some weeks," wherever it is, to London. And that is all we know
at present. Strange disappearance. Weird.

       ***

THE COSTER KNIGHT.--There are pictures on almost all the hoardings, in
the suburbs especially, of the celebrated Mr. ALBERT CHEVALIER. This
chevalier "_sans peur et sans reproche_" is so busy a man that in the
best sense of the term he may well be considered as _the_ type of an
honest "_Chevalier d'Industrie_."

       ***

QUERY.--"The Lancashire Rubber Company"--is this something new in the
way of Massage? or is it a Company got up for the express purpose of
supplying Society with Whist-players?

       ***

THE LATEST MADE OF HONOUR AT RICHMOND.--SIR JAMES W. SZLUMPER, Knight.





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