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´╗┐Title: Pygmalion
Author: Shaw, Bernard, 1856-1950
Language: English
As this book started as an ASCII text book there are no pictures available.
Copyright Status: Not copyrighted in the United States. If you live elsewhere check the laws of your country before downloading this ebook. See comments about copyright issues at end of book.

*** Start of this Doctrine Publishing Corporation Digital Book "Pygmalion" ***

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PYGMALION

BERNARD SHAW

1912

TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE: In the printed version of this text, all
apostrophes for contractions such as "can't", "wouldn't" and "he'd"
were omitted, to read as "cant", "wouldnt", and "hed". This etext
edition restores the omitted apostrophes.



PREFACE TO PYGMALION.

A Professor of Phonetics.

As will be seen later on, Pygmalion needs, not a preface, but a sequel,
which I have supplied in its due place. The English have no respect for
their language, and will not teach their children to speak it. They
spell it so abominably that no man can teach himself what it sounds
like. It is impossible for an Englishman to open his mouth without
making some other Englishman hate or despise him. German and Spanish
are accessible to foreigners: English is not accessible even to
Englishmen. The reformer England needs today is an energetic phonetic
enthusiast: that is why I have made such a one the hero of a popular
play. There have been heroes of that kind crying in the wilderness for
many years past. When I became interested in the subject towards the
end of the eighteen-seventies, Melville Bell was dead; but Alexander J.
Ellis was still a living patriarch, with an impressive head always
covered by a velvet skull cap, for which he would apologize to public
meetings in a very courtly manner. He and Tito Pagliardini, another
phonetic veteran, were men whom it was impossible to dislike. Henry
Sweet, then a young man, lacked their sweetness of character: he was
about as conciliatory to conventional mortals as Ibsen or Samuel
Butler. His great ability as a phonetician (he was, I think, the best
of them all at his job) would have entitled him to high official
recognition, and perhaps enabled him to popularize his subject, but for
his Satanic contempt for all academic dignitaries and persons in
general who thought more of Greek than of phonetics. Once, in the days
when the Imperial Institute rose in South Kensington, and Joseph
Chamberlain was booming the Empire, I induced the editor of a leading
monthly review to commission an article from Sweet on the imperial
importance of his subject. When it arrived, it contained nothing but a
savagely derisive attack on a professor of language and literature
whose chair Sweet regarded as proper to a phonetic expert only. The
article, being libelous, had to be returned as impossible; and I had to
renounce my dream of dragging its author into the limelight. When I met
him afterwards, for the first time for many years, I found to my
astonishment that he, who had been a quite tolerably presentable young
man, had actually managed by sheer scorn to alter his personal
appearance until he had become a sort of walking repudiation of Oxford
and all its traditions. It must have been largely in his own despite
that he was squeezed into something called a Readership of phonetics
there. The future of phonetics rests probably with his pupils, who all
swore by him; but nothing could bring the man himself into any sort of
compliance with the university, to which he nevertheless clung by
divine right in an intensely Oxonian way. I daresay his papers, if he
has left any, include some satires that may be published without too
destructive results fifty years hence. He was, I believe, not in the
least an ill-natured man: very much the opposite, I should say; but he
would not suffer fools gladly.

Those who knew him will recognize in my third act the allusion to the
patent Shorthand in which he used to write postcards, and which may be
acquired from a four and six-penny manual published by the Clarendon
Press. The postcards which Mrs. Higgins describes are such as I have
received from Sweet. I would decipher a sound which a cockney would
represent by zerr, and a Frenchman by seu, and then write demanding
with some heat what on earth it meant. Sweet, with boundless contempt
for my stupidity, would reply that it not only meant but obviously was
the word Result, as no other Word containing that sound, and capable of
making sense with the context, existed in any language spoken on earth.
That less expert mortals should require fuller indications was beyond
Sweet's patience. Therefore, though the whole point of his "Current
Shorthand" is that it can express every sound in the language
perfectly, vowels as well as consonants, and that your hand has to make
no stroke except the easy and current ones with which you write m, n,
and u, l, p, and q, scribbling them at whatever angle comes easiest to
you, his unfortunate determination to make this remarkable and quite
legible script serve also as a Shorthand reduced it in his own practice
to the most inscrutable of cryptograms. His true objective was the
provision of a full, accurate, legible script for our noble but
ill-dressed language; but he was led past that by his contempt for the
popular Pitman system of Shorthand, which he called the Pitfall system.
The triumph of Pitman was a triumph of business organization: there was
a weekly paper to persuade you to learn Pitman: there were cheap
textbooks and exercise books and transcripts of speeches for you to
copy, and schools where experienced teachers coached you up to the
necessary proficiency. Sweet could not organize his market in that
fashion. He might as well have been the Sybil who tore up the leaves of
prophecy that nobody would attend to. The four and six-penny manual,
mostly in his lithographed handwriting, that was never vulgarly
advertized, may perhaps some day be taken up by a syndicate and pushed
upon the public as The Times pushed the Encyclopaedia Britannica; but
until then it will certainly not prevail against Pitman. I have bought
three copies of it during my lifetime; and I am informed by the
publishers that its cloistered existence is still a steady and healthy
one. I actually learned the system two several times; and yet the
shorthand in which I am writing these lines is Pitman's. And the reason
is, that my secretary cannot transcribe Sweet, having been perforce
taught in the schools of Pitman. Therefore, Sweet railed at Pitman as
vainly as Thersites railed at Ajax: his raillery, however it may have
eased his soul, gave no popular vogue to Current Shorthand. Pygmalion
Higgins is not a portrait of Sweet, to whom the adventure of Eliza
Doolittle would have been impossible; still, as will be seen, there are
touches of Sweet in the play. With Higgins's physique and temperament
Sweet might have set the Thames on fire. As it was, he impressed
himself professionally on Europe to an extent that made his comparative
personal obscurity, and the failure of Oxford to do justice to his
eminence, a puzzle to foreign specialists in his subject. I do not
blame Oxford, because I think Oxford is quite right in demanding a
certain social amenity from its nurslings (heaven knows it is not
exorbitant in its requirements!); for although I well know how hard it
is for a man of genius with a seriously underrated subject to maintain
serene and kindly relations with the men who underrate it, and who keep
all the best places for less important subjects which they profess
without originality and sometimes without much capacity for them,
still, if he overwhelms them with wrath and disdain, he cannot expect
them to heap honors on him.

Of the later generations of phoneticians I know little. Among them
towers the Poet Laureate, to whom perhaps Higgins may owe his Miltonic
sympathies, though here again I must disclaim all portraiture. But if
the play makes the public aware that there are such people as
phoneticians, and that they are among the most important people in
England at present, it will serve its turn.

I wish to boast that Pygmalion has been an extremely successful play
all over Europe and North America as well as at home. It is so
intensely and deliberately didactic, and its subject is esteemed so
dry, that I delight in throwing it at the heads of the wiseacres who
repeat the parrot cry that art should never be didactic. It goes to
prove my contention that art should never be anything else.

Finally, and for the encouragement of people troubled with accents that
cut them off from all high employment, I may add that the change
wrought by Professor Higgins in the flower girl is neither impossible
nor uncommon. The modern concierge's daughter who fulfils her ambition
by playing the Queen of Spain in Ruy Blas at the Theatre Francais is
only one of many thousands of men and women who have sloughed off their
native dialects and acquired a new tongue. But the thing has to be done
scientifically, or the last state of the aspirant may be worse than the
first. An honest and natural slum dialect is more tolerable than the
attempt of a phonetically untaught person to imitate the vulgar dialect
of the golf club; and I am sorry to say that in spite of the efforts of
our Academy of Dramatic Art, there is still too much sham golfing
English on our stage, and too little of the noble English of Forbes
Robertson.



ACT I

Covent Garden at 11.15 p.m. Torrents of heavy summer rain. Cab whistles
blowing frantically in all directions. Pedestrians running for shelter
into the market and under the portico of St. Paul's Church, where there
are already several people, among them a lady and her daughter in
evening dress. They are all peering out gloomily at the rain, except
one man with his back turned to the rest, who seems wholly preoccupied
with a notebook in which he is writing busily.

The church clock strikes the first quarter.

THE DAUGHTER [in the space between the central pillars, close to the
one on her left] I'm getting chilled to the bone. What can Freddy be
doing all this time? He's been gone twenty minutes.

THE MOTHER [on her daughter's right] Not so long. But he ought to have
got us a cab by this.

A BYSTANDER [on the lady's right] He won't get no cab not until
half-past eleven, missus, when they come back after dropping their
theatre fares.

THE MOTHER. But we must have a cab. We can't stand here until half-past
eleven. It's too bad.

THE BYSTANDER. Well, it ain't my fault, missus.

THE DAUGHTER. If Freddy had a bit of gumption, he would have got one at
the theatre door.

THE MOTHER. What could he have done, poor boy?

THE DAUGHTER. Other people got cabs. Why couldn't he?

Freddy rushes in out of the rain from the Southampton Street side, and
comes between them closing a dripping umbrella. He is a young man of
twenty, in evening dress, very wet around the ankles.

THE DAUGHTER. Well, haven't you got a cab?

FREDDY. There's not one to be had for love or money.

THE MOTHER. Oh, Freddy, there must be one. You can't have tried.

THE DAUGHTER. It's too tiresome. Do you expect us to go and get one
ourselves?

FREDDY. I tell you they're all engaged. The rain was so sudden: nobody
was prepared; and everybody had to take a cab. I've been to Charing
Cross one way and nearly to Ludgate Circus the other; and they were all
engaged.

THE MOTHER. Did you try Trafalgar Square?

FREDDY. There wasn't one at Trafalgar Square.

THE DAUGHTER. Did you try?

FREDDY. I tried as far as Charing Cross Station. Did you expect me to
walk to Hammersmith?

THE DAUGHTER. You haven't tried at all.

THE MOTHER. You really are very helpless, Freddy. Go again; and don't
come back until you have found a cab.

FREDDY. I shall simply get soaked for nothing.

THE DAUGHTER. And what about us? Are we to stay here all night in this
draught, with next to nothing on. You selfish pig--

FREDDY. Oh, very well: I'll go, I'll go. [He opens his umbrella and
dashes off Strandwards, but comes into collision with a flower girl,
who is hurrying in for shelter, knocking her basket out of her hands. A
blinding flash of lightning, followed instantly by a rattling peal of
thunder, orchestrates the incident]

THE FLOWER GIRL. Nah then, Freddy: look wh' y' gowin, deah.

FREDDY. Sorry [he rushes off].

THE FLOWER GIRL [picking up her scattered flowers and replacing them in
the basket] There's menners f' yer! Te-oo banches o voylets trod into
the mad. [She sits down on the plinth of the column, sorting her
flowers, on the lady's right. She is not at all an attractive person.
She is perhaps eighteen, perhaps twenty, hardly older. She wears a
little sailor hat of black straw that has long been exposed to the dust
and soot of London and has seldom if ever been brushed. Her hair needs
washing rather badly: its mousy color can hardly be natural. She wears
a shoddy black coat that reaches nearly to her knees and is shaped to
her waist. She has a brown skirt with a coarse apron. Her boots are
much the worse for wear. She is no doubt as clean as she can afford to
be; but compared to the ladies she is very dirty. Her features are no
worse than theirs; but their condition leaves something to be desired;
and she needs the services of a dentist].

THE MOTHER. How do you know that my son's name is Freddy, pray?

THE FLOWER GIRL. Ow, eez ye-ooa san, is e? Wal, fewd dan y' de-ooty
bawmz a mather should, eed now bettern to spawl a pore gel's flahrzn
than ran awy atbaht pyin. Will ye-oo py me f'them? [Here, with
apologies, this desperate attempt to represent her dialect without a
phonetic alphabet must be abandoned as unintelligible outside London.]

THE DAUGHTER. Do nothing of the sort, mother. The idea!

THE MOTHER. Please allow me, Clara. Have you any pennies?

THE DAUGHTER. No. I've nothing smaller than sixpence.

THE FLOWER GIRL [hopefully] I can give you change for a tanner, kind
lady.

THE MOTHER [to Clara] Give it to me. [Clara parts reluctantly]. Now [to
the girl] This is for your flowers.

THE FLOWER GIRL. Thank you kindly, lady.

THE DAUGHTER. Make her give you the change. These things are only a
penny a bunch.

THE MOTHER. Do hold your tongue, Clara. [To the girl]. You can keep the
change.

THE FLOWER GIRL. Oh, thank you, lady.

THE MOTHER. Now tell me how you know that young gentleman's name.

THE FLOWER GIRL. I didn't.

THE MOTHER. I heard you call him by it. Don't try to deceive me.

THE FLOWER GIRL [protesting] Who's trying to deceive you? I called him
Freddy or Charlie same as you might yourself if you was talking to a
stranger and wished to be pleasant. [She sits down beside her basket].

THE DAUGHTER. Sixpence thrown away! Really, mamma, you might have
spared Freddy that. [She retreats in disgust behind the pillar].

An elderly gentleman of the amiable military type rushes into shelter,
and closes a dripping umbrella. He is in the same plight as Freddy,
very wet about the ankles. He is in evening dress, with a light
overcoat. He takes the place left vacant by the daughter's retirement.

THE GENTLEMAN. Phew!

THE MOTHER [to the gentleman] Oh, sir, is there any sign of its
stopping?

THE GENTLEMAN. I'm afraid not. It started worse than ever about two
minutes ago. [He goes to the plinth beside the flower girl; puts up his
foot on it; and stoops to turn down his trouser ends].

THE MOTHER. Oh, dear! [She retires sadly and joins her daughter].

THE FLOWER GIRL [taking advantage of the military gentleman's proximity
to establish friendly relations with him]. If it's worse it's a sign
it's nearly over. So cheer up, Captain; and buy a flower off a poor
girl.

THE GENTLEMAN. I'm sorry, I haven't any change.

THE FLOWER GIRL. I can give you change, Captain,

THE GENTLEMEN. For a sovereign? I've nothing less.

THE FLOWER GIRL. Garn! Oh do buy a flower off me, Captain. I can change
half-a-crown. Take this for tuppence.

THE GENTLEMAN. Now don't be troublesome: there's a good girl. [Trying
his pockets] I really haven't any change--Stop: here's three hapence,
if that's any use to you [he retreats to the other pillar].

THE FLOWER GIRL [disappointed, but thinking three halfpence better than
nothing] Thank you, sir.

THE BYSTANDER [to the girl] You be careful: give him a flower for it.
There's a bloke here behind taking down every blessed word you're
saying. [All turn to the man who is taking notes].

THE FLOWER GIRL [springing up terrified] I ain't done nothing wrong by
speaking to the gentleman. I've a right to sell flowers if I keep off
the kerb. [Hysterically] I'm a respectable girl: so help me, I never
spoke to him except to ask him to buy a flower off me. [General hubbub,
mostly sympathetic to the flower girl, but deprecating her excessive
sensibility. Cries of Don't start hollerin. Who's hurting you? Nobody's
going to touch you. What's the good of fussing? Steady on. Easy, easy,
etc., come from the elderly staid spectators, who pat her comfortingly.
Less patient ones bid her shut her head, or ask her roughly what is
wrong with her. A remoter group, not knowing what the matter is, crowd
in and increase the noise with question and answer: What's the row?
What she do? Where is he? A tec taking her down. What! him? Yes: him
over there: Took money off the gentleman, etc. The flower girl,
distraught and mobbed, breaks through them to the gentleman, crying
mildly] Oh, sir, don't let him charge me. You dunno what it means to
me. They'll take away my character and drive me on the streets for
speaking to gentlemen. They--

THE NOTE TAKER [coming forward on her right, the rest crowding after
him] There, there, there, there! Who's hurting you, you silly girl?
What do you take me for?

THE BYSTANDER. It's all right: he's a gentleman: look at his boots.
[Explaining to the note taker] She thought you was a copper's nark, sir.

THE NOTE TAKER [with quick interest] What's a copper's nark?

THE BYSTANDER [inept at definition] It's a--well, it's a copper's nark,
as you might say. What else would you call it? A sort of informer.

THE FLOWER GIRL [still hysterical] I take my Bible oath I never said a
word--

THE NOTE TAKER [overbearing but good-humored] Oh, shut up, shut up. Do
I look like a policeman?

THE FLOWER GIRL [far from reassured] Then what did you take down my
words for? How do I know whether you took me down right? You just show
me what you've wrote about me. [The note taker opens his book and holds
it steadily under her nose, though the pressure of the mob trying to
read it over his shoulders would upset a weaker man]. What's that? That
ain't proper writing. I can't read that.

THE NOTE TAKER. I can. [Reads, reproducing her pronunciation exactly]
"Cheer ap, Keptin; n' haw ya flahr orf a pore gel."

THE FLOWER GIRL [much  distressed] It's because I called him Captain. I
meant no harm. [To the gentleman] Oh, sir, don't let him lay a charge
agen me for a word like that. You--

THE GENTLEMAN. Charge! I make no charge. [To the note taker] Really,
sir, if you are a detective, you need not begin protecting me against
molestation by young women until I ask you. Anybody could see that the
girl meant no harm.

THE BYSTANDERS GENERALLY [demonstrating against police espionage]
Course they could. What business is it of yours? You mind your own
affairs. He wants promotion, he does. Taking down people's words! Girl
never said a word to him. What harm if she did? Nice thing a girl can't
shelter from the rain without being insulted, etc., etc., etc. [She is
conducted by the more sympathetic demonstrators back to her plinth,
where she resumes her seat and struggles with her emotion].

THE BYSTANDER. He ain't a tec. He's a blooming busybody: that's what he
is. I tell you, look at his boots.

THE NOTE TAKER [turning on him genially] And how are all your people
down at Selsey?

THE BYSTANDER [suspiciously] Who told you my people come from Selsey?

THE NOTE TAKER. Never you mind. They did. [To the girl] How do you come
to be up so far east? You were born in Lisson Grove.

THE FLOWER GIRL [appalled] Oh, what harm is there in my leaving Lisson
Grove? It wasn't fit for a pig to live in; and I had to pay
four-and-six a week. [In tears] Oh, boo--hoo--oo--

THE NOTE TAKER. Live where you like; but stop that noise.

THE GENTLEMAN [to the girl] Come, come! he can't touch you: you have a
right to live where you please.

A SARCASTIC BYSTANDER [thrusting himself between the note taker and the
gentleman] Park Lane, for instance. I'd like to go into the Housing
Question with you, I would.

THE FLOWER GIRL [subsiding into a brooding melancholy over her basket,
and talking very low-spiritedly to herself] I'm a good girl, I am.

THE SARCASTIC BYSTANDER [not attending to her] Do you know where _I_
come from?

THE NOTE TAKER [promptly] Hoxton.

Titterings. Popular interest in the note taker's performance increases.

THE SARCASTIC ONE [amazed] Well, who said I didn't? Bly me! You know
everything, you do.

THE FLOWER GIRL [still nursing her sense of injury] Ain't no call to
meddle with me, he ain't.

THE BYSTANDER [to her] Of course he ain't. Don't you stand it from him.
[To the note taker] See here: what call have you to know about people
what never offered to meddle with you? Where's your warrant?

SEVERAL BYSTANDERS [encouraged by this seeming point of law] Yes:
where's your warrant?

THE FLOWER GIRL. Let him say what he likes. I don't want to have no
truck with him.

THE BYSTANDER. You take us for dirt under your feet, don't you? Catch
you taking liberties with a gentleman!

THE SARCASTIC BYSTANDER. Yes: tell HIM where he come from if you want
to go fortune-telling.

THE NOTE TAKER. Cheltenham, Harrow, Cambridge, and India.

THE GENTLEMAN. Quite right. [Great laughter. Reaction in the note
taker's favor. Exclamations of He knows all about it. Told him proper.
Hear him tell the toff where he come from? etc.]. May I ask, sir, do
you do this for your living at a music hall?

THE NOTE TAKER. I've thought of that. Perhaps I shall some day.

The rain has stopped; and the persons on the outside of the crowd begin
to drop off.

THE FLOWER GIRL [resenting the reaction] He's no gentleman, he ain't,
to interfere with a poor girl.

THE DAUGHTER [out of patience, pushing her way rudely to the front and
displacing the gentleman, who politely retires to the other side of the
pillar] What on earth is Freddy doing? I shall get pneumonia if I stay
in this draught any longer.

THE NOTE TAKER [to himself, hastily making a note of her pronunciation
of "monia"] Earlscourt.

THE DAUGHTER [violently] Will you please keep your impertinent remarks
to yourself?

THE NOTE TAKER. Did I say that out loud? I didn't mean to. I beg your
pardon. Your mother's Epsom, unmistakeably.

THE MOTHER [advancing between her daughter and the note taker] How very
curious! I was brought up in Largelady Park, near Epsom.

THE NOTE TAKER [uproariously amused] Ha! ha! What a devil of a name!
Excuse me. [To the daughter] You want a cab, do you?

THE DAUGHTER. Don't dare speak to me.

THE MOTHER. Oh, please, please Clara. [Her daughter repudiates her with
an angry shrug and retires haughtily.] We should be so grateful to you,
sir, if you found us a cab. [The note taker produces a whistle]. Oh,
thank you. [She joins her daughter]. The note taker blows a piercing
blast.

THE SARCASTIC BYSTANDER. There! I knowed he was a plain-clothes copper.

THE BYSTANDER. That ain't a police whistle: that's a sporting whistle.

THE FLOWER GIRL [still preoccupied with her wounded feelings] He's no
right to take away my character. My character is the same to me as any
lady's.

THE NOTE TAKER. I don't know whether you've noticed it; but the rain
stopped about two minutes ago.

THE BYSTANDER. So it has. Why didn't you say so before? and us losing
our time listening to your silliness. [He walks off towards the Strand].

THE SARCASTIC BYSTANDER. I can tell where you come from. You come from
Anwell. Go back there.

THE NOTE TAKER [helpfully] _H_anwell.

THE SARCASTIC BYSTANDER [affecting great distinction of speech] Thenk
you, teacher. Haw haw! So long [he touches his hat with mock respect
and strolls off].

THE FLOWER GIRL. Frightening people like that! How would he like it
himself.

THE MOTHER. It's quite fine now, Clara. We can walk to a motor bus.
Come. [She gathers her skirts above her ankles and hurries off towards
the Strand].

THE DAUGHTER. But the cab--[her mother is out of hearing]. Oh, how
tiresome! [She follows angrily].

All the rest have gone except the note taker, the gentleman, and the
flower girl, who sits arranging her basket, and still pitying herself
in murmurs.

THE FLOWER GIRL. Poor girl! Hard enough for her to live without being
worrited and chivied.

THE GENTLEMAN [returning to his former place on the note taker's left]
How do you do it, if I may ask?

THE NOTE TAKER. Simply phonetics. The science of speech. That's my
profession; also my hobby. Happy is the man who can make a living by
his hobby! You can spot an Irishman or a Yorkshireman by his brogue. I
can place any man within six miles. I can place him within two miles in
London. Sometimes within two streets.

THE FLOWER GIRL. Ought to be ashamed of himself, unmanly coward!

THE GENTLEMAN. But is there a living in that?

THE NOTE TAKER. Oh yes. Quite a fat one. This is an age of upstarts.
Men begin in Kentish Town with 80 pounds a year, and end in Park Lane
with a hundred thousand. They want to drop Kentish Town; but they give
themselves away every time they open their mouths. Now I can teach
them--

THE FLOWER GIRL. Let him mind his own business and leave a poor girl--

THE NOTE TAKER [explosively] Woman: cease this detestable boohooing
instantly; or else seek the shelter of some other place of worship.

THE FLOWER GIRL [with feeble defiance] I've a right to be here if I
like, same as you.

THE NOTE TAKER. A woman who utters such depressing and disgusting
sounds has no right to be anywhere--no right to live. Remember that you
are a human being with a soul and the divine gift of articulate speech:
that your native language is the language of Shakespear and Milton and
The Bible; and don't sit there crooning like a bilious pigeon.

THE FLOWER GIRL [quite overwhelmed, and looking up at him in mingled
wonder and deprecation without daring to raise her head]
Ah--ah--ah--ow--ow--oo!

THE NOTE TAKER [whipping out his book] Heavens! what a sound! [He
writes; then holds out the book and reads, reproducing her vowels
exactly] Ah--ah--ah--ow--ow--ow--oo!

THE FLOWER GIRL [tickled by the performance, and laughing in spite of
herself] Garn!

THE NOTE TAKER. You see this creature with her kerbstone English: the
English that will keep her in the gutter to the end of her days. Well,
sir, in three months I could pass that girl off as a duchess at an
ambassador's garden party. I could even get her a place as lady's maid
or shop assistant, which requires better English. That's the sort of
thing I do for commercial millionaires. And on the profits of it I do
genuine scientific work in phonetics, and a little as a poet on
Miltonic lines.

THE GENTLEMAN. I am myself a student of Indian dialects; and--

THE NOTE TAKER [eagerly] Are you? Do you know Colonel Pickering, the
author of Spoken Sanscrit?

THE GENTLEMAN. I am Colonel Pickering. Who are you?

THE NOTE TAKER. Henry Higgins, author of Higgins's Universal Alphabet.

PICKERING [with enthusiasm] I came from India to meet you.

HIGGINS. I was going to India to meet you.

PICKERING. Where do you live?

HIGGINS. 27A Wimpole Street. Come and see me tomorrow.

PICKERING. I'm at the Carlton. Come with me now and let's have a jaw
over some supper.

HIGGINS. Right you are.

THE FLOWER GIRL [to Pickering, as he passes her] Buy a flower, kind
gentleman. I'm short for my lodging.

PICKERING. I really haven't any change. I'm sorry [he goes away].

HIGGINS [shocked at girl's mendacity] Liar. You said you could change
half-a-crown.

THE FLOWER GIRL [rising in desperation] You ought to be stuffed with
nails, you ought. [Flinging the basket at his feet] Take the whole
blooming basket for sixpence.

The church clock strikes the second quarter.

HIGGINS [hearing in it the voice of God, rebuking him for his Pharisaic
want of charity to the poor girl] A reminder. [He raises his hat
solemnly; then throws a handful of money into the basket and follows
Pickering].

THE FLOWER GIRL [picking up a half-crown] Ah--ow--ooh! [Picking up a
couple of florins] Aaah--ow--ooh! [Picking up several coins]
Aaaaaah--ow--ooh! [Picking up a half-sovereign]
Aasaaaaaaaaah--ow--ooh!!!

FREDDY [springing out of a taxicab] Got one at last. Hallo! [To the
girl] Where are the two ladies that were here?

THE FLOWER GIRL. They walked to the bus when the rain stopped.

FREDDY. And left me with a cab on my hands. Damnation!

THE FLOWER GIRL [with grandeur] Never you mind, young man. I'm going
home in a taxi. [She sails off to the cab. The driver puts his hand
behind him and holds the door firmly shut against her. Quite
understanding his mistrust, she shows him her handful of money].
Eightpence ain't no object to me, Charlie. [He grins and opens the
door]. Angel Court, Drury Lane, round the corner of Micklejohn's oil
shop. Let's see how fast you can make her hop it. [She gets in and
pulls the door to with a slam as the taxicab starts].

FREDDY. Well, I'm dashed!



ACT II

Next day at 11 a.m.  Higgins's laboratory in Wimpole Street. It is a
room on the first floor, looking on the street, and was meant for the
drawing-room. The double doors are in the middle of the back hall; and
persons entering find in the corner to their right two tall file
cabinets at right angles to one another against the walls. In this
corner stands a flat writing-table, on which are a phonograph, a
laryngoscope, a row of tiny organ pipes with a bellows, a set of lamp
chimneys for singing flames with burners attached to a gas plug in the
wall by an indiarubber tube, several tuning-forks of different sizes, a
life-size image of half a human head, showing in section the vocal
organs, and a box containing a supply of wax cylinders for the
phonograph.

Further down the room, on the same side, is a fireplace, with a
comfortable leather-covered easy-chair at the side of the hearth
nearest the door, and a coal-scuttle. There is a clock on the
mantelpiece. Between the fireplace and the phonograph table is a stand
for newspapers.

On the other side of the central door, to the left of the visitor, is a
cabinet of shallow drawers. On it is a telephone and the telephone
directory. The corner beyond, and most of the side wall, is occupied by
a grand piano, with the keyboard at the end furthest from the door, and
a bench for the player extending the full length of the keyboard. On
the piano is a dessert dish heaped with fruit and sweets, mostly
chocolates.

The middle of the room is clear. Besides the easy chair, the piano
bench, and two chairs at the phonograph table, there is one stray
chair. It stands near the fireplace. On the walls, engravings; mostly
Piranesis and mezzotint portraits. No paintings.

Pickering is seated at the table, putting down some cards and a
tuning-fork which he has been using. Higgins is standing up near him,
closing two or three file drawers which are hanging out. He appears in
the morning light as a robust, vital, appetizing sort of man of forty
or thereabouts, dressed in a professional-looking black frock-coat with
a white linen collar and black silk tie. He is of the energetic,
scientific type, heartily, even violently interested in everything that
can be studied as a scientific subject, and careless about himself and
other people, including their feelings. He is, in fact, but for his
years and size, rather like a very impetuous baby "taking notice"
eagerly and loudly, and requiring almost as much watching to keep him
out of unintended mischief. His manner varies from genial bullying when
he is in a good humor to stormy petulance when anything goes wrong; but
he is so entirely frank and void of malice that he remains likeable
even in his least reasonable moments.

HIGGINS [as he shuts the last drawer] Well, I think that's the whole
show.

PICKERING. It's really amazing. I haven't taken half of it in, you know.

HIGGINS. Would you like to go over any of it again?

PICKERING [rising and coming to the fireplace, where he plants himself
with his back to the fire] No, thank you; not now. I'm quite done up
for this morning.

HIGGINS [following him, and standing beside him on his left] Tired of
listening to sounds?

PICKERING. Yes. It's a fearful strain. I rather fancied myself because
I can pronounce twenty-four distinct vowel sounds; but your hundred and
thirty beat me. I can't hear a bit of difference between most of them.

HIGGINS [chuckling, and going over to the piano to eat sweets] Oh, that
comes with practice. You hear no difference at first; but you keep on
listening, and presently you find they're all as different as A from B.
[Mrs. Pearce looks in: she is Higgins's housekeeper] What's the matter?

MRS. PEARCE [hesitating, evidently perplexed] A young woman wants to
see you, sir.

HIGGINS. A young woman! What does she want?

MRS. PEARCE. Well, sir, she says you'll be glad to see her when you
know what she's come about. She's quite a common girl, sir. Very common
indeed. I should have sent her away, only I thought perhaps you wanted
her to talk into your machines. I hope I've not done wrong; but really
you see such queer people sometimes--you'll excuse me, I'm sure, sir--

HIGGINS. Oh, that's all right, Mrs. Pearce. Has she an interesting
accent?

MRS. PEARCE. Oh, something dreadful, sir, really. I don't know how you
can take an interest in it.

HIGGINS [to Pickering] Let's have her up. Show her up, Mrs. Pearce [he
rushes across to his working table and picks out a cylinder to use on
the phonograph].

MRS. PEARCE [only half resigned to it] Very well, sir. It's for you to
say. [She goes downstairs].

HIGGINS. This is rather a bit of luck. I'll show you how I make
records. We'll set her talking; and I'll take it down first in Bell's
visible Speech; then in broad Romic; and then we'll get her on the
phonograph so that you can turn her on as often as you like with the
written transcript before you.

MRS. PEARCE [returning] This is the young woman, sir.

The flower girl enters in state. She has a hat with three ostrich
feathers, orange, sky-blue, and red. She has a nearly clean apron, and
the shoddy coat has been tidied a little. The pathos of this deplorable
figure, with its innocent vanity and consequential air, touches
Pickering, who has already straightened himself in the presence of Mrs.
Pearce. But as to Higgins, the only distinction he makes between men
and women is that when he is neither bullying nor exclaiming to the
heavens against some featherweight cross, he coaxes women as a child
coaxes its nurse when it wants to get anything out of her.

HIGGINS [brusquely, recognizing her with unconcealed disappointment,
and at once, baby-like, making an intolerable grievance of it] Why,
this is the girl I jotted down last night. She's no use: I've got all
the records I want of the Lisson Grove lingo; and I'm not going to
waste another cylinder on it. [To the girl] Be off with you: I don't
want you.

THE FLOWER GIRL. Don't you be so saucy. You ain't heard what I come for
yet. [To Mrs. Pearce, who is waiting at the door for further
instruction] Did you tell him I come in a taxi?

MRS. PEARCE. Nonsense, girl! what do you think a gentleman like Mr.
Higgins cares what you came in?

THE FLOWER GIRL. Oh, we are proud! He ain't above giving lessons, not
him: I heard him say so. Well, I ain't come here to ask for any
compliment; and if my money's not good enough I can go elsewhere.

HIGGINS. Good enough for what?

THE FLOWER GIRL. Good enough for ye--oo. Now you know, don't you? I'm
come to have lessons, I am. And to pay for em too: make no mistake.

HIGGINS [stupent] WELL!!! [Recovering his breath with a gasp] What do
you expect me to say to you?

THE FLOWER GIRL. Well, if you was a gentleman, you might ask me to sit
down, I think. Don't I tell you I'm bringing you business?

HIGGINS. Pickering: shall we ask this baggage to sit down or shall we
throw her out of the window?

THE FLOWER GIRL [running away in terror to the piano, where she turns
at bay] Ah--ah--ah--ow--ow--ow--oo! [Wounded and whimpering] I won't be
called a baggage when I've offered to pay like any lady.

Motionless, the two men stare at her from the other side of the room,
amazed.

PICKERING [gently] What is it you want, my girl?

THE FLOWER GIRL. I want to be a lady in a flower shop stead of selling
at the corner of Tottenham Court Road. But they won't take me unless I
can talk more genteel. He said he could teach me. Well, here I am ready
to pay him--not asking any favor--and he treats me as if I was dirt.

MRS. PEARCE. How can you be such a foolish ignorant girl as to think
you could afford to pay Mr. Higgins?

THE FLOWER GIRL. Why shouldn't I? I know what lessons cost as well as
you do; and I'm ready to pay.

HIGGINS. How much?

THE FLOWER GIRL [coming back to him, triumphant] Now you're talking! I
thought you'd come off it when you saw a chance of getting back a bit
of what you chucked at me last night. [Confidentially] You'd had a drop
in, hadn't you?

HIGGINS [peremptorily] Sit down.

THE FLOWER GIRL. Oh, if you're going to make a compliment of it--

HIGGINS [thundering at her] Sit down.

MRS. PEARCE [severely] Sit down, girl. Do as you're told. [She places
the stray chair near the hearthrug between Higgins and Pickering, and
stands behind it waiting for the girl to sit down].

THE FLOWER GIRL. Ah--ah--ah--ow--ow--oo! [She stands, half rebellious,
half bewildered].

PICKERING [very courteous] Won't you sit down?

LIZA [coyly] Don't mind if I do. [She sits down. Pickering returns to
the hearthrug].

HIGGINS. What's your name?

THE FLOWER GIRL. Liza Doolittle.

HIGGINS [declaiming gravely] Eliza, Elizabeth, Betsy and Bess, They
went to the woods to get a birds nes': PICKERING. They found a nest
with four eggs in it: HIGGINS.   They took one apiece, and left three
in it.

They laugh heartily at their own wit.

LIZA. Oh, don't be silly.

MRS. PEARCE. You mustn't speak to the gentleman like that.

LIZA. Well, why won't he speak sensible to me?

HIGGINS. Come back to business. How much do you propose to pay me for
the lessons?

LIZA. Oh, I know what's right. A lady friend of mine gets French
lessons for eighteenpence an hour from a real French gentleman. Well,
you wouldn't have the face to ask me the same for teaching me my own
language as you would for French; so I won't give more than a shilling.
Take it or leave it.

HIGGINS [walking up and down the room, rattling his keys and his cash
in his pockets] You know, Pickering, if you consider a shilling, not as
a simple shilling, but as a percentage of this girl's income, it works
out as fully equivalent to sixty or seventy guineas from a millionaire.

PICKERING. How so?

HIGGINS. Figure it out. A millionaire has about 150 pounds a day. She
earns about half-a-crown.

LIZA [haughtily] Who told you I only--

HIGGINS [continuing] She offers me two-fifths of her day's income for a
lesson. Two-fifths of a millionaire's income for a day would be
somewhere about 60 pounds. It's handsome. By George, it's enormous!
it's the biggest offer I ever had.

LIZA [rising, terrified] Sixty pounds! What are you talking about? I
never offered you sixty pounds. Where would I get--

HIGGINS. Hold your tongue.

LIZA [weeping] But I ain't got sixty pounds. Oh--

MRS. PEARCE. Don't cry, you silly girl. Sit down. Nobody is going to
touch your money.

HIGGINS. Somebody is going to touch you, with a broomstick, if you
don't stop snivelling. Sit down.

LIZA [obeying slowly] Ah--ah--ah--ow--oo--o! One would think you was my
father.

HIGGINS. If I decide to teach you, I'll be worse than two fathers to
you. Here [he offers her his silk handkerchief]!

LIZA. What's this for?

HIGGINS. To wipe your eyes. To wipe any part of your face that feels
moist. Remember: that's your handkerchief; and that's your sleeve.
Don't mistake the one for the other if you wish to become a lady in a
shop.

Liza, utterly bewildered, stares helplessly at him.

MRS. PEARCE. It's no use talking to her like that, Mr. Higgins: she
doesn't understand you. Besides, you're quite wrong: she doesn't do it
that way at all [she takes the handkerchief].

LIZA [snatching it] Here! You give me that handkerchief. He give it to
me, not to you.

PICKERING [laughing] He did. I think it must be regarded as her
property, Mrs. Pearce.

MRS. PEARCE [resigning herself] Serve you right, Mr. Higgins.

PICKERING. Higgins: I'm interested. What about the ambassador's garden
party? I'll say you're the greatest teacher alive if you make that
good. I'll bet you all the expenses of the experiment you can't do it.
And I'll pay for the lessons.

LIZA. Oh, you are real good. Thank you, Captain.

HIGGINS [tempted, looking at her] It's almost irresistible. She's so
deliciously low--so horribly dirty--

LIZA [protesting extremely] Ah--ah--ah--ah--ow--ow--oooo!!! I ain't
dirty: I washed my face and hands afore I come, I did.

PICKERING. You're certainly not going to turn her head with flattery,
Higgins.

MRS. PEARCE [uneasy] Oh, don't say that, sir: there's more ways than
one of turning a girl's head; and nobody can do it better than Mr.
Higgins, though he may not always mean it. I do hope, sir, you won't
encourage him to do anything foolish.

HIGGINS [becoming excited as the idea grows on him] What is life but a
series of inspired follies? The difficulty is to find them to do. Never
lose a chance: it doesn't come every day. I shall make a duchess of
this draggletailed guttersnipe.

LIZA [strongly deprecating this view of her] Ah--ah--ah--ow--ow--oo!

HIGGINS [carried away] Yes: in six months--in three if she has a good
ear and a quick tongue--I'll take her anywhere and pass her off as
anything. We'll start today: now! this moment! Take her away and clean
her, Mrs. Pearce. Monkey Brand, if it won't come off any other way. Is
there a good fire in the kitchen?

MRS. PEARCE [protesting]. Yes; but--

HIGGINS [storming on] Take all her clothes off and burn them. Ring up
Whiteley or somebody for new ones. Wrap her up in brown paper till they
come.

LIZA. You're no gentleman, you're not, to talk of such things. I'm a
good girl, I am; and I know what the like of you are, I do.

HIGGINS. We want none of your Lisson Grove prudery here, young woman.
You've got to learn to behave like a duchess. Take her away, Mrs.
Pearce. If she gives you any trouble wallop her.

LIZA [springing up and running between Pickering and Mrs. Pearce for
protection] No! I'll call the police, I will.

MRS. PEARCE. But I've no place to put her.

HIGGINS. Put her in the dustbin.

LIZA. Ah--ah--ah--ow--ow--oo!

PICKERING. Oh come, Higgins! be reasonable.

MRS. PEARCE [resolutely] You must be reasonable, Mr. Higgins: really
you must. You can't walk over everybody like this.

Higgins, thus scolded, subsides. The hurricane is succeeded by a zephyr
of amiable surprise.

HIGGINS [with professional exquisiteness of modulation] I walk over
everybody! My dear Mrs. Pearce, my dear Pickering, I never had the
slightest intention of walking over anyone. All I propose is that we
should be kind to this poor girl. We must help her to prepare and fit
herself for her new station in life. If I did not express myself
clearly it was because I did not wish to hurt her delicacy, or yours.

Liza, reassured, steals back to her chair.

MRS. PEARCE [to Pickering] Well, did you ever hear anything like that,
sir?

PICKERING [laughing heartily] Never, Mrs. Pearce: never.

HIGGINS [patiently] What's the matter?

MRS. PEARCE. Well, the matter is, sir, that you can't take a girl up
like that as if you were picking up a pebble on the beach.

HIGGINS. Why not?

MRS. PEARCE. Why not! But you don't know anything about her. What about
her parents? She may be married.

LIZA. Garn!

HIGGINS. There! As the girl very properly says, Garn! Married indeed!
Don't you know that a woman of that class looks a worn out drudge of
fifty a year after she's married.

LIZA. Who'd marry me?

HIGGINS [suddenly resorting to the most thrillingly beautiful low tones
in his best elocutionary style] By George, Eliza, the streets will be
strewn with the bodies of men shooting themselves for your sake before
I've done with you.

MRS. PEARCE. Nonsense, sir. You mustn't talk like that to her.

LIZA [rising and squaring herself determinedly] I'm going away. He's
off his chump, he is. I don't want no balmies teaching me.

HIGGINS [wounded in his tenderest point by her insensibility to his
elocution] Oh, indeed! I'm mad, am I? Very well, Mrs. Pearce: you
needn't order the new clothes for her. Throw her out.

LIZA [whimpering] Nah--ow. You got no right to touch me.

MRS. PEARCE. You see now what comes of being saucy. [Indicating the
door] This way, please.

LIZA [almost in tears] I didn't want no clothes. I wouldn't have taken
them [she throws away the handkerchief]. I can buy my own clothes.

HIGGINS [deftly retrieving the handkerchief and intercepting her on her
reluctant way to the door] You're an ungrateful wicked girl. This is my
return for offering to take you out of the gutter and dress you
beautifully and make a lady of you.

MRS. PEARCE. Stop, Mr. Higgins. I won't allow it. It's you that are
wicked. Go home to your parents, girl; and tell them to take better
care of you.

LIZA. I ain't got no parents. They told me I was big enough to earn my
own living and turned me out.

MRS. PEARCE. Where's your mother?

LIZA. I ain't got no mother. Her that turned me out was my sixth
stepmother. But I done without them. And I'm a good girl, I am.

HIGGINS. Very well, then, what on earth is all this fuss about? The
girl doesn't belong to anybody--is no use to anybody but me. [He goes
to Mrs. Pearce and begins coaxing]. You can adopt her, Mrs. Pearce: I'm
sure a daughter would be a great amusement to you. Now don't make any
more fuss. Take her downstairs; and--

MRS. PEARCE. But what's to become of her? Is she to be paid anything?
Do be sensible, sir.

HIGGINS. Oh, pay her whatever is necessary: put it down in the
housekeeping book. [Impatiently] What on earth will she want with
money? She'll have her food and her clothes. She'll only drink if you
give her money.

LIZA [turning on him] Oh you are a brute. It's a lie: nobody ever saw
the sign of liquor on me. [She goes back to her chair and plants
herself there defiantly].

PICKERING [in good-humored remonstrance] Does it occur to you, Higgins,
that the girl has some feelings?

HIGGINS [looking critically at her] Oh no, I don't think so. Not any
feelings that we need bother about. [Cheerily] Have you, Eliza?

LIZA. I got my feelings same as anyone else.

HIGGINS [to Pickering, reflectively] You see the difficulty?

PICKERING. Eh? What difficulty?

HIGGINS. To get her to talk grammar. The mere pronunciation is easy
enough.

LIZA. I don't want to talk grammar. I want to talk like a lady.

MRS. PEARCE. Will you please keep to the point, Mr. Higgins. I want to
know on what terms the girl is to be here. Is she to have any wages?
And what is to become of her when you've finished your teaching? You
must look ahead a little.

HIGGINS [impatiently] What's to become of her if I leave her in the
gutter? Tell me that, Mrs. Pearce.

MRS. PEARCE. That's her own business, not yours, Mr. Higgins.

HIGGINS. Well, when I've done with her, we can throw her back into the
gutter; and then it will be her own business again; so that's all right.

LIZA. Oh, you've no feeling heart in you: you don't care for nothing
but yourself [she rises and takes the floor resolutely]. Here! I've had
enough of this. I'm going [making for the door]. You ought to be
ashamed of yourself, you ought.

HIGGINS [snatching a chocolate cream from the piano, his eyes suddenly
beginning to twinkle with mischief] Have some chocolates, Eliza.

LIZA [halting, tempted] How do I know what might be in them? I've heard
of girls being drugged by the like of you.

Higgins whips out his penknife; cuts a chocolate in two; puts one half
into his mouth and bolts it; and offers her the other half.

HIGGINS. Pledge of good faith, Eliza. I eat one half you eat the other.

[Liza opens her mouth to retort: he pops the half chocolate into it].
You shall have boxes of them, barrels of them, every day. You shall
live on them. Eh?

LIZA [who has disposed of the chocolate after being nearly choked by
it] I wouldn't have ate it, only I'm too ladylike to take it out of my
mouth.

HIGGINS. Listen, Eliza. I think you said you came in a taxi.

LIZA. Well, what if I did? I've as good a right to take a taxi as
anyone else.

HIGGINS. You have, Eliza; and in future you shall have as many taxis as
you want. You shall go up and down and round the town in a taxi every
day. Think of that, Eliza.

MRS. PEARCE. Mr. Higgins: you're tempting the girl. It's not right. She
should think of the future.

HIGGINS. At her age! Nonsense! Time enough to think of the future when
you haven't any future to think of. No, Eliza: do as this lady does:
think of other people's futures; but never think of your own. Think of
chocolates, and taxis, and gold, and diamonds.

LIZA. No: I don't want no gold and no diamonds. I'm a good girl, I am.
[She sits down again, with an attempt at dignity].

HIGGINS. You shall remain so, Eliza, under the care of Mrs. Pearce. And
you shall marry an officer in the Guards, with a beautiful moustache:
the son of a marquis, who will disinherit him for marrying you, but
will relent when he sees your beauty and goodness--

PICKERING. Excuse me, Higgins; but I really must interfere. Mrs. Pearce
is quite right. If this girl is to put herself in your hands for six
months for an experiment in teaching, she must understand thoroughly
what she's doing.

HIGGINS. How can she? She's incapable of understanding anything.
Besides, do any of us understand what we are doing? If we did, would we
ever do it?

PICKERING. Very clever, Higgins; but not sound sense. [To Eliza] Miss
Doolittle--

LIZA [overwhelmed] Ah--ah--ow--oo!

HIGGINS. There! That's all you get out of Eliza. Ah--ah--ow--oo! No use
explaining. As a military man you ought to know that. Give her her
orders: that's what she wants. Eliza: you are to live here for the next
six months, learning how to speak beautifully, like a lady in a
florist's shop. If you're good and do whatever you're told, you shall
sleep in a proper bedroom, and have lots to eat, and money to buy
chocolates and take rides in taxis. If you're naughty and idle you will
sleep in the back kitchen among the black beetles, and be walloped by
Mrs. Pearce with a broomstick. At the end of six months you shall go to
Buckingham Palace in a carriage, beautifully dressed. If the King finds
out you're not a lady, you will be taken by the police to the Tower of
London, where your head will be cut off as a warning to other
presumptuous flower girls. If you are not found out, you shall have a
present of seven-and-sixpence to start life with as a lady in a shop.
If you refuse this offer you will be a most ungrateful and wicked girl;
and the angels will weep for you. [To Pickering] Now are you satisfied,
Pickering? [To Mrs. Pearce] Can I put it more plainly and fairly, Mrs.
Pearce?

MRS. PEARCE [patiently] I think you'd better let me speak to the girl
properly in private. I don't know that I can take charge of her or
consent to the arrangement at all. Of course I know you don't mean her
any harm; but when you get what you call interested in people's
accents, you never think or care what may happen to them or you. Come
with me, Eliza.

HIGGINS. That's all right. Thank you, Mrs. Pearce. Bundle her off to
the bath-room.

LIZA [rising reluctantly and suspiciously] You're a great bully, you
are. I won't stay here if I don't like. I won't let nobody wallop me. I
never asked to go to Bucknam Palace, I didn't. I was never in trouble
with the police, not me. I'm a good girl--

MRS. PEARCE. Don't answer back, girl. You don't understand the
gentleman. Come with me. [She leads the way to the door, and holds it
open for Eliza].

LIZA [as she goes out] Well, what I say is right. I won't go near the
king, not if I'm going to have my head cut off. If I'd known what I was
letting myself in for, I wouldn't have come here. I always been a good
girl; and I never offered to say a word to him; and I don't owe him
nothing; and I don't care; and I won't be put upon; and I have my
feelings the same as anyone else--

Mrs. Pearce shuts the door; and Eliza's plaints are no longer audible.
Pickering comes from the hearth to the chair and sits astride it with
his arms on the back.

PICKERING. Excuse the straight question, Higgins. Are you a man of good
character where women are concerned?

HIGGINS [moodily] Have you ever met a man of good character where women
are concerned?

PICKERING. Yes: very frequently.

HIGGINS [dogmatically, lifting himself on his hands to the level of the
piano, and sitting on it with a bounce] Well, I haven't. I find that
the moment I let a woman make friends with me, she becomes jealous,
exacting, suspicious, and a damned nuisance. I find that the moment I
let myself make friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical.
Women upset everything. When you let them into your life, you find that
the woman is driving at one thing and you're driving at another.

PICKERING. At what, for example?

HIGGINS [coming off the piano restlessly] Oh, Lord knows! I suppose the
woman wants to live her own life; and the man wants to live his; and
each tries to drag the other on to the wrong track. One wants to go
north and the other south; and the result is that both have to go east,
though they both hate the east wind. [He sits down on the bench at the
keyboard]. So here I am, a confirmed old bachelor, and likely to remain
so.

PICKERING [rising and standing over him gravely] Come, Higgins! You
know what I mean. If I'm to be in this business I shall feel
responsible for that girl. I hope it's understood that no advantage is
to be taken of her position.

HIGGINS. What! That thing! Sacred, I assure you. [Rising to explain]
You see, she'll be a pupil; and teaching would be impossible unless
pupils were sacred. I've taught scores of American millionairesses how
to speak English: the best looking women in the world. I'm seasoned.
They might as well be blocks of wood. I might as well be a block of
wood. It's--

Mrs. Pearce opens the door. She has Eliza's hat in her hand. Pickering
retires to the easy-chair at the hearth and sits down.

HIGGINS [eagerly] Well, Mrs. Pearce: is it all right?

MRS. PEARCE [at the door] I just wish to trouble you with a word, if I
may, Mr. Higgins.

HIGGINS. Yes, certainly. Come in. [She comes forward]. Don't burn that,
Mrs. Pearce. I'll keep it as a curiosity. [He takes the hat].

MRS. PEARCE. Handle it carefully, sir, please. I had to promise her not
to burn it; but I had better put it in the oven for a while.

HIGGINS [putting it down hastily on the piano] Oh! thank you. Well,
what have you to say to me?

PICKERING. Am I in the way?

MRS. PEARCE. Not at all, sir. Mr. Higgins: will you please be very
particular what you say before the girl?

HIGGINS [sternly] Of course. I'm always particular about what I say.
Why do you say this to me?

MRS. PEARCE [unmoved] No, sir: you're not at all particular when you've
mislaid anything or when you get a little impatient. Now it doesn't
matter before me: I'm used to it. But you really must not swear before
the girl.

HIGGINS [indignantly] I swear! [Most emphatically] I never swear. I
detest the habit. What the devil do you mean?

MRS. PEARCE [stolidly] That's what I mean, sir. You swear a great deal
too much. I don't mind your damning and blasting, and what the devil
and where the devil and who the devil--

HIGGINS. Really! Mrs. Pearce: this language from your lips!

MRS. PEARCE [not to be put off]--but there is a certain word I must ask
you not to use. The girl has just used it herself because the bath was
too hot. It begins with the same letter as bath. She knows no better:
she learnt it at her mother's knee. But she must not hear it from your
lips.

HIGGINS [loftily] I cannot charge myself with having ever uttered it,
Mrs. Pearce. [She looks at him steadfastly. He adds, hiding an uneasy
conscience with a judicial air] Except perhaps in a moment of extreme
and justifiable excitement.

MRS. PEARCE. Only this morning, sir, you applied it to your boots, to
the butter, and to the brown bread.

HIGGINS. Oh, that! Mere alliteration, Mrs. Pearce, natural to a poet.

MRS. PEARCE. Well, sir, whatever you choose to call it, I beg you not
to let the girl hear you repeat it.

HIGGINS. Oh, very well, very well. Is that all?

MRS. PEARCE. No, sir. We shall have to be very particular with this
girl as to personal cleanliness.

HIGGINS. Certainly. Quite right. Most important.

MRS. PEARCE. I mean not to be slovenly about her dress or untidy in
leaving things about.

HIGGINS [going to her solemnly] Just so. I intended to call your
attention to that [He passes on to Pickering, who is enjoying the
conversation immensely]. It is these little things that matter,
Pickering. Take care of the pence and the pounds will take care of
themselves is as true of personal habits as of money. [He comes to
anchor on the hearthrug, with the air of a man in an unassailable
position].

MRS. PEARCE. Yes, sir. Then might I ask you not to come down to
breakfast in your dressing-gown, or at any rate not to use it as a
napkin to the extent you do, sir. And if you would be so good as not to
eat everything off the same plate, and to remember not to put the
porridge saucepan out of your hand on the clean tablecloth, it would be
a better example to the girl. You know you nearly choked yourself with
a fishbone in the jam only last week.

HIGGINS [routed from the hearthrug and drifting back to the piano] I
may do these things sometimes in absence of mind; but surely I don't do
them habitually. [Angrily] By the way: my dressing-gown smells most
damnably of benzine.

MRS. PEARCE. No doubt it does, Mr. Higgins. But if you will wipe your
fingers--

HIGGINS [yelling] Oh very well, very well: I'll wipe them in my hair in
future.

MRS. PEARCE. I hope you're not offended, Mr. Higgins.

HIGGINS [shocked at finding himself thought capable of an unamiable
sentiment] Not at all, not at all. You're quite right, Mrs. Pearce: I
shall be particularly careful before the girl. Is that all?

MRS. PEARCE. No, sir. Might she use some of those Japanese dresses you
brought from abroad? I really can't put her back into her old things.

HIGGINS. Certainly. Anything you like. Is that all?

MRS. PEARCE. Thank you, sir. That's all. [She goes out].

HIGGINS. You know, Pickering, that woman has the most extraordinary
ideas about me. Here I am, a shy, diffident sort of man. I've never
been able to feel really grown-up and tremendous, like other chaps. And
yet she's firmly persuaded that I'm an arbitrary overbearing bossing
kind of person. I can't account for it.

Mrs. Pearce returns.

MRS. PEARCE. If you please, sir, the trouble's beginning already.
There's a dustman downstairs, Alfred Doolittle, wants to see you. He
says you have his daughter here.

PICKERING [rising] Phew! I say! [He retreats to the hearthrug].

HIGGINS [promptly] Send the blackguard up.

MRS. PEARCE. Oh, very well, sir. [She goes out].

PICKERING. He may not be a blackguard, Higgins.

HIGGINS. Nonsense. Of course he's a blackguard.

PICKERING. Whether he is or not, I'm afraid we shall have some trouble
with him.

HIGGINS [confidently] Oh no: I think not. If there's any trouble he
shall have it with me, not I with him. And we are sure to get something
interesting out of him.

PICKERING. About the girl?

HIGGINS. No. I mean his dialect.

PICKERING. Oh!

MRS. PEARCE [at the door] Doolittle, sir. [She admits Doolittle and
retires].

Alfred Doolittle is an elderly but vigorous dustman, clad in the
costume of his profession, including a hat with a back brim covering
his neck and shoulders. He has well marked and rather interesting
features, and seems equally free from fear and conscience. He has a
remarkably expressive voice, the result of a habit of giving vent to
his feelings without reserve. His present pose is that of wounded honor
and stern resolution.

DOOLITTLE [at the door, uncertain which of the two gentlemen is his
man] Professor Higgins?

HIGGINS. Here. Good morning. Sit down.

DOOLITTLE. Morning, Governor. [He sits down magisterially] I come about
a very serious matter, Governor.

HIGGINS [to Pickering] Brought up in Hounslow. Mother Welsh, I should
think. [Doolittle opens his mouth, amazed. Higgins continues] What do
you want, Doolittle?

DOOLITTLE [menacingly] I want my daughter: that's what I want. See?

HIGGINS. Of course you do. You're her father, aren't you? You don't
suppose anyone else wants her, do you? I'm glad to see you have some
spark of family feeling left. She's upstairs. Take her away at once.

DOOLITTLE [rising, fearfully taken aback] What!

HIGGINS. Take her away. Do you suppose I'm going to keep your daughter
for you?

DOOLITTLE [remonstrating] Now, now, look here, Governor.  Is this
reasonable? Is it fair to take advantage of a man like this? The girl
belongs to me. You got her. Where do I come in? [He sits down again].

HIGGINS. Your daughter had the audacity to come to my house and ask me
to teach her how to speak properly so that she could get a place in a
flower-shop. This gentleman and my housekeeper have been here all the
time. [Bullying him] How dare you come here and attempt to blackmail
me? You sent her here on purpose.

DOOLITTLE [protesting] No, Governor.

HIGGINS. You must have. How else could you possibly know that she is
here?

DOOLITTLE. Don't take a man up like that, Governor.

HIGGINS. The police shall take you up. This is a plant--a plot to
extort money by threats. I shall telephone for the police [he goes
resolutely to the telephone and opens the directory].

DOOLITTLE. Have I asked you for a brass farthing? I leave it to the
gentleman here: have I said a word about money?

HIGGINS [throwing the book aside and marching down on Doolittle with a
poser] What else did you come for?

DOOLITTLE [sweetly] Well, what would a man come for? Be human, governor.

HIGGINS [disarmed] Alfred: did you put her up to it?

DOOLITTLE. So help me, Governor, I never did. I take my Bible oath I
ain't seen the girl these two months past.

HIGGINS. Then how did you know she was here?

DOOLITTLE ["most musical, most melancholy"] I'll tell you, Governor, if
you'll only let me get a word in. I'm willing to tell you. I'm wanting
to tell you. I'm waiting to tell you.

HIGGINS. Pickering: this chap has a certain natural gift of rhetoric.
Observe the rhythm of his native woodnotes wild. "I'm willing to tell
you: I'm wanting to tell you: I'm waiting to tell you." Sentimental
rhetoric! That's the Welsh strain in him. It also accounts for his
mendacity and dishonesty.

PICKERING. Oh, PLEASE, Higgins: I'm west country myself. [To Doolittle]
How did you know the girl was here if you didn't send her?

DOOLITTLE. It was like this, Governor. The girl took a boy in the taxi
to give him a jaunt. Son of her landlady, he is. He hung about on the
chance of her giving him another ride home. Well, she sent him back for
her luggage when she heard you was willing for her to stop here. I met
the boy at the corner of Long Acre and Endell Street.

HIGGINS. Public house. Yes?

DOOLITTLE. The poor man's club, Governor: why shouldn't I?

PICKERING. Do let him tell his story, Higgins.

DOOLITTLE. He told me what was up. And I ask you, what was my feelings
and my duty as a father? I says to the boy, "You bring me the luggage,"
I says--

PICKERING. Why didn't you go for it yourself?

DOOLITTLE. Landlady wouldn't have trusted me with it, Governor. She's
that kind of woman: you know. I had to give the boy a penny afore he
trusted me with it, the little swine. I brought it to her just to
oblige you like, and make myself agreeable. That's all.

HIGGINS. How much luggage?

DOOLITTLE. Musical instrument, Governor. A few pictures, a trifle of
jewelry, and a bird-cage. She said she didn't want no clothes. What was
I to think from that, Governor? I ask you as a parent what was I to
think?

HIGGINS. So you came to rescue her from worse than death, eh?

DOOLITTLE [appreciatively: relieved at being understood] Just so,
Governor. That's right.

PICKERING. But why did you bring her luggage if you intended to take
her away?

DOOLITTLE. Have I said a word about taking her away? Have I now?

HIGGINS [determinedly] You're going to take her away, double quick. [He
crosses to the hearth and rings the bell].

DOOLITTLE [rising] No, Governor. Don't say that. I'm not the man to
stand in my girl's light. Here's a career opening for her, as you might
say; and--

Mrs. Pearce opens the door and awaits orders.

HIGGINS. Mrs. Pearce: this is Eliza's father. He has come to take her
away. Give her to him. [He goes back to the piano, with an air of
washing his hands of the whole affair].

DOOLITTLE. No. This is a misunderstanding. Listen here--

MRS. PEARCE. He can't take her away, Mr. Higgins: how can he? You told
me to burn her clothes.

DOOLITTLE. That's right. I can't carry the girl through the streets
like a blooming monkey, can I? I put it to you.

HIGGINS. You have put it to me that you want your daughter. Take your
daughter. If she has no clothes go out and buy her some.

DOOLITTLE [desperate] Where's the clothes she come in? Did I burn them
or did your missus here?

MRS. PEARCE. I am the housekeeper, if you please. I have sent for some
clothes for your girl. When they come you can take her away. You can
wait in the kitchen. This way, please.

Doolittle, much troubled, accompanies her to the door; then hesitates;
finally turns confidentially to Higgins.

DOOLITTLE. Listen here, Governor. You and me is men of the world, ain't
we?

HIGGINS. Oh! Men of the world, are we? You'd better go, Mrs. Pearce.

MRS. PEARCE. I think so, indeed, sir. [She goes, with dignity].

PICKERING. The floor is yours, Mr. Doolittle.

DOOLITTLE [to Pickering] I thank you, Governor. [To Higgins, who takes
refuge on the piano bench, a little overwhelmed by the proximity of his
visitor; for Doolittle has a professional flavor of dust about him].
Well, the truth is, I've taken a sort of fancy to you, Governor; and if
you want the girl, I'm not so set on having her back home again but
what I might be open to an arrangement. Regarded in the light of a
young woman, she's a fine handsome girl. As a daughter she's not worth
her keep; and so I tell you straight. All I ask is my rights as a
father; and you're the last man alive to expect me to let her go for
nothing; for I can see you're one of the straight sort, Governor. Well,
what's a five pound note to you? And what's Eliza to me? [He returns to
his chair and sits down judicially].

PICKERING. I think you ought to know, Doolittle, that Mr. Higgins's
intentions are entirely honorable.

DOOLITTLE. Course they are, Governor. If I thought they wasn't, I'd ask
fifty.

HIGGINS [revolted] Do you mean to say, you callous rascal, that you
would sell your daughter for 50 pounds?

DOOLITTLE. Not in a general way I wouldn't; but to oblige a gentleman
like you I'd do a good deal, I do assure you.

PICKERING. Have you no morals, man?

DOOLITTLE [unabashed] Can't afford them, Governor. Neither could you if
you was as poor as me. Not that I mean any harm, you know. But if Liza
is going to have a bit out of this, why not me too?

HIGGINS [troubled] I don't know what to do, Pickering. There can be no
question that as a matter of morals it's a positive crime to give this
chap a farthing. And yet I feel a sort of rough justice in his claim.

DOOLITTLE. That's it, Governor. That's all I say. A father's heart, as
it were.

PICKERING. Well, I know the feeling; but really it seems hardly right--

DOOLITTLE. Don't say that, Governor. Don't look at it that way. What am
I, Governors both? I ask you, what am I? I'm one of the undeserving
poor: that's what I am. Think of what that means to a man. It means
that he's up agen middle class morality all the time. If there's
anything going, and I put in for a bit of it, it's always the same
story: "You're undeserving; so you can't have it." But my needs is as
great as the most deserving widow's that ever got money out of six
different charities in one week for the death of the same husband. I
don't need less than a deserving man: I need more. I don't eat less
hearty than him; and I drink a lot more. I want a bit of amusement,
cause I'm a thinking man. I want cheerfulness and a song and a band
when I feel low. Well, they charge me just the same for everything as
they charge the deserving. What is middle class morality? Just an
excuse for never giving me anything. Therefore, I ask you, as two
gentlemen, not to play that game on me. I'm playing straight with you.
I ain't pretending to be deserving. I'm undeserving; and I mean to go
on being undeserving. I like it; and that's the truth. Will you take
advantage of a man's nature to do him out of the price of his own
daughter what he's brought up and fed and clothed by the sweat of his
brow until she's growed big enough to be interesting to you two
gentlemen? Is five pounds unreasonable? I put it to you; and I leave it
to you.

HIGGINS [rising, and going over to Pickering] Pickering: if we were to
take this man in hand for three months, he could choose between a seat
in the Cabinet and a popular pulpit in Wales.

PICKERING. What do you say to that, Doolittle?

DOOLITTLE. Not me, Governor, thank you kindly. I've heard all the
preachers and all the prime ministers--for I'm a thinking man and game
for politics or religion or social reform same as all the other
amusements--and I tell you it's a dog's life anyway you look at it.
Undeserving poverty is my line. Taking one station in society with
another, it's--it's--well, it's the only one that has any ginger in it,
to my taste.

HIGGINS. I suppose we must give him a fiver.

PICKERING. He'll make a bad use of it, I'm afraid.

DOOLITTLE. Not me, Governor, so help me I won't. Don't you be afraid
that I'll save it and spare it and live idle on it. There won't be a
penny of it left by Monday: I'll have to go to work same as if I'd
never had it. It won't pauperize me, you bet. Just one good spree for
myself and the missus, giving pleasure to ourselves and employment to
others, and satisfaction to you to think it's not been throwed away.
You couldn't spend it better.

HIGGINS [taking out his pocket book and coming between Doolittle and
the piano] This is irresistible. Let's give him ten. [He offers two
notes to the dustman].

DOOLITTLE. No, Governor. She wouldn't have the heart to spend ten; and
perhaps I shouldn't neither. Ten pounds is a lot of money: it makes a
man feel prudent like; and then goodbye to happiness. You give me what
I ask you, Governor: not a penny more, and not a penny less.

PICKERING. Why don't you marry that missus of yours? I rather draw the
line at encouraging that sort of immorality.

DOOLITTLE. Tell her so, Governor: tell her so. I'm willing. It's me
that suffers by it. I've no hold on her. I got to be agreeable to her.
I got to give her presents. I got to buy her clothes something sinful.
I'm a slave to that woman, Governor, just because I'm not her lawful
husband. And she knows it too. Catch her marrying me! Take my advice,
Governor: marry Eliza while she's young and don't know no better. If
you don't you'll be sorry for it after. If you do, she'll be sorry for
it after; but better you than her, because you're a man, and she's only
a woman and don't know how to be happy anyhow.

HIGGINS. Pickering: if we listen to this man another minute, we shall
have no convictions left. [To Doolittle] Five pounds I think you said.

DOOLITTLE. Thank you kindly, Governor.

HIGGINS. You're sure you won't take ten?

DOOLITTLE. Not now. Another time, Governor.

HIGGINS [handing him a five-pound note] Here you are.

DOOLITTLE. Thank you, Governor. Good morning.

[He hurries to the door, anxious to get away with his booty. When he
opens it he is confronted with a dainty and exquisitely clean young
Japanese lady in a simple blue cotton kimono printed cunningly with
small white jasmine blossoms. Mrs. Pearce is with her. He gets out of
her way deferentially and apologizes]. Beg pardon, miss.

THE JAPANESE LADY. Garn! Don't you know your own daughter?

  DOOLITTLE   {exclaiming  Bly me! it's Eliza!
  HIGGINS     {simul-      What's that! This!
  PICKERING   {taneously   By Jove!

LIZA. Don't I look silly?

HIGGINS. Silly?

MRS. PEARCE [at the door] Now, Mr. Higgins, please don't say anything
to make the girl conceited about herself.

HIGGINS [conscientiously] Oh! Quite right, Mrs. Pearce. [To Eliza] Yes:
damned silly.

MRS. PEARCE. Please, sir.

HIGGINS [correcting himself] I mean extremely silly.

LIZA. I should look all right with my hat on. [She takes up her hat;
puts it on; and walks across the room to the fireplace with a
fashionable air].

HIGGINS. A new fashion, by George! And it ought to look horrible!

DOOLITTLE [with fatherly pride] Well, I never thought she'd clean up as
good looking as that, Governor. She's a credit to me, ain't she?

LIZA. I tell you, it's easy to clean up here. Hot and cold water on
tap, just as much as you like, there is. Woolly towels, there is; and a
towel horse so hot, it burns your fingers. Soft brushes to scrub
yourself, and a wooden bowl of soap smelling like primroses. Now I know
why ladies is so clean. Washing's a treat for them. Wish they saw what
it is for the like of me!

HIGGINS. I'm glad the bath-room met with your approval.

LIZA. It didn't: not all of it; and I don't care who hears me say it.
Mrs. Pearce knows.

HIGGINS. What was wrong, Mrs. Pearce?

MRS. PEARCE [blandly] Oh, nothing, sir. It doesn't matter.

LIZA. I had a good mind to break it. I didn't know which way to look.
But I hung a towel over it, I did.

HIGGINS. Over what?

MRS. PEARCE. Over the looking-glass, sir.

HIGGINS. Doolittle: you have brought your daughter up too strictly.

DOOLITTLE. Me! I never brought her up at all, except to give her a lick
of a strap now and again. Don't put it on me, Governor. She ain't
accustomed to it, you see: that's all. But she'll soon pick up your
free-and-easy ways.

LIZA. I'm a good girl, I am; and I won't pick up no free and easy ways.

HIGGINS. Eliza: if you say again that you're a good girl, your father
shall take you home.

LIZA. Not him. You don't know my father. All he come here for was to
touch you for some money to get drunk on.

DOOLITTLE. Well, what else would I want money for? To put into the
plate in church, I suppose. [She puts out her tongue at him. He is so
incensed by this that Pickering presently finds it necessary to step
between them]. Don't you give me none of your lip; and don't let me
hear you giving this gentleman any of it neither, or you'll hear from
me about it. See?

HIGGINS. Have you any further advice to give her before you go,
Doolittle? Your blessing, for instance.

DOOLITTLE. No, Governor: I ain't such a mug as to put up my children to
all I know myself. Hard enough to hold them in without that. If you
want Eliza's mind improved, Governor, you do it yourself with a strap.
So long, gentlemen. [He turns to go].

HIGGINS [impressively] Stop. You'll come regularly to see your
daughter. It's your duty, you know. My brother is a clergyman; and he
could help you in your talks with her.

DOOLITTLE [evasively] Certainly. I'll come, Governor. Not just this
week, because I have a job at a distance. But later on you may depend
on me. Afternoon, gentlemen. Afternoon, ma'am. [He takes off his hat to
Mrs. Pearce, who disdains the salutation and goes out. He winks at
Higgins, thinking him probably a fellow sufferer from Mrs. Pearce's
difficult disposition, and follows her].

LIZA. Don't you believe the old liar. He'd as soon you set a bull-dog
on him as a clergyman. You won't see him again in a hurry.

HIGGINS. I don't want to, Eliza. Do you?

LIZA. Not me. I don't want never to see him again, I don't. He's a
disgrace to me, he is, collecting dust, instead of working at his trade.

PICKERING. What is his trade, Eliza?

LIZA. Talking money out of other people's pockets into his own. His
proper trade's a navvy; and he works at it sometimes too--for
exercise--and earns good money at it. Ain't you going to call me Miss
Doolittle any more?

PICKERING. I beg your pardon, Miss Doolittle. It was a slip of the
tongue.

LIZA. Oh, I don't mind; only it sounded so genteel. I should just like
to take a taxi to the corner of Tottenham Court Road and get out there
and tell it to wait for me, just to put the girls in their place a bit.
I wouldn't speak to them, you know.

PICKERING. Better wait til we get you something really fashionable.

HIGGINS. Besides, you shouldn't cut your old friends now that you have
risen in the world. That's what we call snobbery.

LIZA. You don't call the like of them my friends now, I should hope.
They've took it out of me often enough with their ridicule when they
had the chance; and now I mean to get a bit of my own back. But if I'm
to have fashionable clothes, I'll wait. I should like to have some.
Mrs. Pearce says you're going to give me some to wear in bed at night
different to what I wear in the daytime; but it do seem a waste of
money when you could get something to show. Besides, I never could
fancy changing into cold things on a winter night.

MRS. PEARCE [coming back] Now, Eliza. The new things have come for you
to try on.

LIZA. Ah--ow--oo--ooh! [She rushes out].

MRS. PEARCE [following her] Oh, don't rush about like that, girl [She
shuts the door behind her].

HIGGINS. Pickering: we have taken on a stiff job.

PICKERING [with conviction] Higgins: we have.



ACT III

It is Mrs. Higgins's at-home day. Nobody has yet arrived. Her
drawing-room, in a flat on Chelsea embankment, has three windows
looking on the river; and the ceiling is not so lofty as it would be in
an older house of the same pretension. The windows are open, giving
access to a balcony with flowers in pots. If you stand with your face
to the windows, you have the fireplace on your left and the door in the
right-hand wall close to the corner nearest the windows.

Mrs. Higgins was brought up on Morris and Burne Jones; and her room,
which is very unlike her son's room in Wimpole Street, is not crowded
with furniture and little tables and nicknacks. In the middle of the
room there is a big ottoman; and this, with the carpet, the Morris
wall-papers, and the Morris chintz window curtains and brocade covers
of the ottoman and its cushions, supply all the ornament, and are much
too handsome to be hidden by odds and ends of useless things. A few
good oil-paintings from the exhibitions in the Grosvenor Gallery thirty
years ago (the Burne Jones, not the Whistler side of them) are on the
walls. The only landscape is a Cecil Lawson on the scale of a Rubens.
There is a portrait of Mrs. Higgins as she was when she defied fashion
in her youth in one of the beautiful Rossettian costumes which, when
caricatured by people who did not understand, led to the absurdities of
popular estheticism in the eighteen-seventies.

In the corner diagonally opposite the door Mrs. Higgins, now over sixty
and long past taking the trouble to dress out of the fashion, sits
writing at an elegantly simple writing-table with a bell button within
reach of her hand. There is a Chippendale chair further back in the
room between her and the window nearest her side. At the other side of
the room, further forward, is an Elizabethan chair roughly carved in
the taste of Inigo Jones. On the same side a piano in a decorated case.
The corner between the fireplace and the window is occupied by a divan
cushioned in Morris chintz.

It is between four and five in the afternoon.

The door is opened violently; and Higgins enters with his hat on.

MRS. HIGGINS [dismayed] Henry [scolding him]! What are you doing here
to-day? It is my at home day: you promised not to come. [As he bends to
kiss her, she takes his hat off, and presents it to him].

HIGGINS. Oh bother! [He throws the hat down on the table].

MRS. HIGGINS. Go home at once.

HIGGINS [kissing her] I know, mother. I came on purpose.

MRS. HIGGINS. But you mustn't. I'm serious, Henry. You offend all my
friends: they stop coming whenever they meet you.

HIGGINS. Nonsense! I know I have no small talk; but people don't mind.
[He sits on the settee].

MRS. HIGGINS. Oh! don't they? Small talk indeed! What about your large
talk? Really, dear, you mustn't stay.

HIGGINS. I must. I've a job for you. A phonetic job.

MRS. HIGGINS. No use, dear. I'm sorry; but I can't get round your
vowels; and though I like to get pretty postcards in your patent
shorthand, I always have to read the copies in ordinary writing you so
thoughtfully send me.

HIGGINS. Well, this isn't a phonetic job.

MRS. HIGGINS. You said it was.

HIGGINS. Not your part of it. I've picked up a girl.

MRS. HIGGINS. Does that mean that some girl has picked you up?

HIGGINS. Not at all. I don't mean a love affair.

MRS. HIGGINS. What a pity!

HIGGINS. Why?

MRS. HIGGINS. Well, you never fall in love with anyone under
forty-five. When will you discover that there are some rather
nice-looking young women about?

HIGGINS. Oh, I can't be bothered with young women. My idea of a
loveable woman is something as like you as possible. I shall never get
into the way of seriously liking young women: some habits lie too deep
to be changed. [Rising abruptly and walking about, jingling his money
and his keys in his trouser pockets] Besides, they're all idiots.

MRS. HIGGINS. Do you know what you would do if you really loved me,
Henry?

HIGGINS. Oh bother! What? Marry, I suppose?

MRS. HIGGINS. No. Stop fidgeting and take your hands out of your
pockets. [With a gesture of despair, he obeys and sits down again].
That's a good boy. Now tell me about the girl.

HIGGINS. She's coming to see you.

MRS. HIGGINS. I don't remember asking her.

HIGGINS. You didn't. I asked her. If you'd known her you wouldn't have
asked her.

MRS. HIGGINS. Indeed! Why?

HIGGINS. Well, it's like this. She's a common flower girl. I picked her
off the kerbstone.

MRS. HIGGINS. And invited her to my at-home!

HIGGINS [rising and coming to her to coax her] Oh, that'll be all
right. I've taught her to speak properly; and she has strict orders as
to her behavior. She's to keep to two subjects: the weather and
everybody's health--Fine day and How do you do, you know--and not to
let herself go on things in general. That will be safe.

MRS. HIGGINS. Safe! To talk about our health! about our insides!
perhaps about our outsides! How could you be so silly, Henry?

HIGGINS [impatiently] Well, she must talk about something. [He controls
himself and sits down again]. Oh, she'll be all right: don't you fuss.
Pickering is in it with me. I've a sort of bet on that I'll pass her
off as a duchess in six months. I started on her some months ago; and
she's getting on like a house on fire. I shall win my bet. She has a
quick ear; and she's been easier to teach than my middle-class pupils
because she's had to learn a complete new language. She talks English
almost as you talk French.

MRS. HIGGINS. That's satisfactory, at all events.

HIGGINS. Well, it is and it isn't.

MRS. HIGGINS. What does that mean?

HIGGINS. You see, I've got her pronunciation all right; but you have to
consider not only how a girl pronounces, but what she pronounces; and
that's where--

They are interrupted by the parlor-maid, announcing guests.

THE PARLOR-MAID. Mrs. and Miss Eynsford Hill. [She withdraws].

HIGGINS. Oh Lord! [He rises; snatches his hat from the table; and makes
for the door; but before he reaches it his mother introduces him].

Mrs. and Miss Eynsford Hill are the mother and daughter who sheltered
from the rain in Covent Garden. The mother is well bred, quiet, and has
the habitual anxiety of straitened means. The daughter has acquired a
gay air of being very much at home in society: the bravado of genteel
poverty.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [to Mrs. Higgins] How do you do? [They shake hands].

MISS EYNSFORD HILL. How d'you do? [She shakes].

MRS. HIGGINS [introducing] My son Henry.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL. Your celebrated son! I have so longed to meet you,
Professor Higgins.

HIGGINS [glumly, making no movement in her direction] Delighted. [He
backs against the piano and bows brusquely].

Miss EYNSFORD HILL [going to him with confident familiarity] How do you
do?

HIGGINS [staring at her] I've seen you before somewhere. I haven't the
ghost of a notion where; but I've heard your voice. [Drearily] It
doesn't matter. You'd better sit down.

MRS. HIGGINS. I'm sorry to say that my celebrated son has no manners.
You mustn't mind him.

MISS EYNSFORD HILL [gaily] I don't. [She sits in the Elizabethan chair].

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [a little bewildered] Not at all. [She sits on the
ottoman between her daughter and Mrs. Higgins, who has turned her chair
away from the writing-table].

HIGGINS. Oh, have I been rude? I didn't mean to be. [He goes to the
central window, through which, with his back to the company, he
contemplates the river and the flowers in Battersea Park on the
opposite bank as if they were a frozen dessert.]

The parlor-maid returns, ushering in Pickering.

THE PARLOR-MAID. Colonel Pickering [She withdraws].

PICKERING. How do you do, Mrs. Higgins?

MRS. HIGGINS. So glad you've come. Do you know Mrs. Eynsford Hill--Miss
Eynsford Hill? [Exchange of bows. The Colonel brings the Chippendale
chair a little forward between Mrs. Hill and Mrs. Higgins, and sits
down].

PICKERING. Has Henry told you what we've come for?

HIGGINS [over his shoulder] We were interrupted: damn it!

MRS. HIGGINS. Oh Henry, Henry, really!

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [half rising] Are we in the way?

MRS. HIGGINS [rising and making her sit down again] No, no. You
couldn't have come more fortunately: we want you to meet a friend of
ours.

HIGGINS [turning hopefully] Yes, by George! We want two or three
people. You'll do as well as anybody else.

The parlor-maid returns, ushering Freddy.

THE PARLOR-MAID. Mr. Eynsford Hill.

HIGGINS [almost audibly, past endurance] God of Heaven! another of them.

FREDDY [shaking hands with Mrs. Higgins] Ahdedo?

MRS. HIGGINS. Very good of you to come. [Introducing] Colonel Pickering.

FREDDY [bowing] Ahdedo?

MRS. HIGGINS. I don't think you know my son, Professor Higgins.

FREDDY [going to Higgins] Ahdedo?

HIGGINS [looking at him much as if he were a pickpocket] I'll take my
oath I've met you before somewhere. Where was it?

FREDDY. I don't think so.

HIGGINS [resignedly] It don't matter, anyhow. Sit down. He shakes
Freddy's hand, and almost slings him on the ottoman with his face to
the windows; then comes round to the other side of it.

HIGGINS. Well, here we are, anyhow! [He sits down on the ottoman next
Mrs. Eynsford Hill, on her left.] And now, what the devil are we going
to talk about until Eliza comes?

MRS. HIGGINS. Henry: you are the life and soul of the Royal Society's
soirees; but really you're rather trying on more commonplace occasions.

HIGGINS. Am I? Very sorry. [Beaming suddenly] I suppose I am, you know.
[Uproariously] Ha, ha!

MISS EYNSFORD HILL [who considers Higgins quite eligible matrimonially]
I sympathize. I haven't any small talk. If people would only be frank
and say what they really think!

HIGGINS [relapsing into gloom] Lord forbid!

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [taking up her daughter's cue] But why?

HIGGINS. What they think they ought to think is bad enough, Lord knows;
but what they really think would break up the whole show. Do you
suppose it would be really agreeable if I were to come out now with
what I really think?

MISS EYNSFORD HILL [gaily] Is it so very cynical?

HIGGINS. Cynical! Who the dickens said it was cynical? I mean it
wouldn't be decent.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [seriously] Oh! I'm sure you don't mean that, Mr.
Higgins.

HIGGINS. You see, we're all savages, more or less. We're supposed to be
civilized and cultured--to know all about poetry and philosophy and art
and science, and so on; but how many of us know even the meanings of
these names? [To Miss Hill] What do you know of poetry? [To Mrs. Hill]
What do you know of science? [Indicating Freddy] What does he know of
art or science or anything else? What the devil do you imagine I know
of philosophy?

MRS. HIGGINS [warningly] Or of manners, Henry?

THE PARLOR-MAID [opening the door] Miss Doolittle. [She withdraws].

HIGGINS [rising hastily and running to Mrs. Higgins] Here she is,
mother. [He stands on tiptoe and makes signs over his mother's head to
Eliza to indicate to her which lady is her hostess].

Eliza, who is exquisitely dressed, produces an impression of such
remarkable distinction and beauty as she enters that they all rise,
quite flustered. Guided by Higgins's signals, she comes to Mrs. Higgins
with studied grace.

LIZA [speaking with pedantic correctness of pronunciation and great
beauty of tone] How do you do, Mrs. Higgins? [She gasps slightly in
making sure of the H in Higgins, but is quite successful]. Mr. Higgins
told me I might come.

MRS. HIGGINS [cordially] Quite right: I'm very glad indeed to see you.

PICKERING. How do you do, Miss Doolittle?

LIZA [shaking hands with him] Colonel Pickering, is it not?

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL. I feel sure we have met before, Miss Doolittle. I
remember your eyes.

LIZA. How do you do? [She sits down on the ottoman gracefully in the
place just left vacant by Higgins].

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [introducing] My daughter Clara.

LIZA. How do you do?

CLARA [impulsively] How do you do? [She sits down on the ottoman beside
Eliza, devouring her with her eyes].

FREDDY [coming to their side of the ottoman] I've certainly had the
pleasure.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [introducing] My son Freddy.

LIZA. How do you do?

Freddy bows and sits down in the Elizabethan chair, infatuated.

HIGGINS [suddenly] By George, yes: it all comes back to me! [They stare
at him]. Covent Garden! [Lamentably] What a damned thing!

MRS. HIGGINS. Henry, please! [He is about to sit on the edge of the
table]. Don't sit on my writing-table: you'll break it.

HIGGINS [sulkily] Sorry.

He goes to the divan, stumbling into the fender and over the fire-irons
on his way; extricating himself with muttered imprecations; and
finishing his disastrous journey by throwing himself so impatiently on
the divan that he almost breaks it. Mrs. Higgins looks at him, but
controls herself and says nothing.

A long and painful pause ensues.

MRS. HIGGINS [at last, conversationally] Will it rain, do you think?

LIZA. The shallow depression in the west of these islands is likely to
move slowly in an easterly direction. There are no indications of any
great change in the barometrical situation.

FREDDY. Ha! ha! how awfully funny!

LIZA. What is wrong with that, young man? I bet I got it right.

FREDDY. Killing!

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL. I'm sure I hope it won't turn cold. There's so much
influenza about. It runs right through our whole family regularly every
spring.

LIZA [darkly] My aunt died of influenza: so they said.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [clicks her tongue sympathetically]!!!

LIZA [in the same tragic tone] But it's my belief they done the old
woman in.

MRS. HIGGINS [puzzled] Done her in?

LIZA. Y-e-e-e-es, Lord love you! Why should she die of influenza? She
come through diphtheria right enough the year before. I saw her with my
own eyes. Fairly blue with it, she was. They all thought she was dead;
but my father he kept ladling gin down her throat til she came to so
sudden that she bit the bowl off the spoon.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [startled] Dear me!

LIZA [piling up the indictment] What call would a woman with that
strength in her have to die of influenza? What become of her new straw
hat that should have come to me? Somebody pinched it; and what I say
is, them as pinched it done her in.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL. What does doing her in mean?

HIGGINS [hastily] Oh, that's the new small talk. To do a person in
means to kill them.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [to Eliza, horrified] You surely don't believe that
your aunt was killed?

LIZA. Do I not! Them she lived with would have killed her for a
hat-pin, let alone a hat.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL. But it can't have been right for your father to
pour spirits down her throat like that. It might have killed her.

LIZA. Not her. Gin was mother's milk to her. Besides, he'd poured so
much down his own throat that he knew the good of it.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL. Do you mean that he drank?

LIZA. Drank! My word! Something chronic.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL. How dreadful for you!

LIZA. Not a bit. It never did him no harm what I could see. But then he
did not keep it up regular. [Cheerfully] On the burst, as you might
say, from time to time. And always more agreeable when he had a drop
in. When he was out of work, my mother used to give him fourpence and
tell him to go out and not come back until he'd drunk himself cheerful
and loving-like. There's lots of women has to make their husbands drunk
to make them fit to live with. [Now quite at her ease] You see, it's
like this. If a man has a bit of a conscience, it always takes him when
he's sober; and then it makes him low-spirited. A drop of booze just
takes that off and makes him happy. [To Freddy, who is in convulsions
of suppressed laughter] Here! what are you sniggering at?

FREDDY. The new small talk. You do it so awfully well.

LIZA. If I was doing it proper, what was you laughing at? [To Higgins]
Have I said anything I oughtn't?

MRS. HIGGINS [interposing] Not at all, Miss Doolittle.

LIZA. Well, that's a mercy, anyhow. [Expansively] What I always say is--

HIGGINS [rising and looking at his watch] Ahem!

LIZA [looking round at him; taking the hint; and rising] Well: I must
go. [They all rise. Freddy goes to the door]. So pleased to have met
you. Good-bye. [She shakes hands with Mrs. Higgins].

MRS. HIGGINS. Good-bye.

LIZA. Good-bye, Colonel Pickering.

PICKERING. Good-bye, Miss Doolittle. [They shake hands].

LIZA [nodding to the others] Good-bye, all.

FREDDY [opening the door for her] Are you walking across the Park, Miss
Doolittle? If so--

LIZA. Walk! Not bloody likely. [Sensation]. I am going in a taxi. [She
goes out].

Pickering gasps and sits down. Freddy goes out on the balcony to catch
another glimpse of Eliza.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [suffering from shock] Well, I really can't get used
to the new ways.

CLARA [throwing herself discontentedly into the Elizabethan chair]. Oh,
it's all right, mamma, quite right. People will think we never go
anywhere or see anybody if you are so old-fashioned.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL. I daresay I am very old-fashioned; but I do hope
you won't begin using that expression, Clara. I have got accustomed to
hear you talking about men as rotters, and calling everything filthy
and beastly; though I do think it horrible and unladylike. But this
last is really too much. Don't you think so, Colonel Pickering?

PICKERING. Don't ask me. I've been away in India for several years; and
manners have changed so much that I sometimes don't know whether I'm at
a respectable dinner-table or in a ship's forecastle.

CLARA. It's all a matter of habit. There's no right or wrong in it.
Nobody means anything by it. And it's so quaint, and gives such a smart
emphasis to things that are not in themselves very witty. I find the
new small talk delightful and quite innocent.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [rising] Well, after that, I think it's time for us
to go.

Pickering and Higgins rise.

CLARA [rising] Oh yes: we have three at homes to go to still. Good-bye,
Mrs. Higgins. Good-bye, Colonel Pickering. Good-bye, Professor Higgins.

HIGGINS [coming grimly at her from the divan, and accompanying her to
the door] Good-bye. Be sure you try on that small talk at the three
at-homes. Don't be nervous about it. Pitch it in strong.

CLARA [all smiles] I will. Good-bye. Such nonsense, all this early
Victorian prudery!

HIGGINS [tempting her] Such damned nonsense!

CLARA. Such bloody nonsense!

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [convulsively] Clara!

CLARA. Ha! ha! [She goes out radiant, conscious of being thoroughly up
to date, and is heard descending the stairs in a stream of silvery
laughter].

FREDDY [to the heavens at large] Well, I ask you [He gives it up, and
comes to Mrs. Higgins]. Good-bye.

MRS. HIGGINS [shaking hands] Good-bye. Would you like to meet Miss
Doolittle again?

FREDDY [eagerly] Yes, I should, most awfully.

MRS. HIGGINS. Well, you know my days.

FREDDY. Yes. Thanks awfully. Good-bye. [He goes out].

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL. Good-bye, Mr. Higgins.

HIGGINS. Good-bye. Good-bye.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [to Pickering] It's no use. I shall never be able to
bring myself to use that word.

PICKERING. Don't. It's not compulsory, you know. You'll get on quite
well without it.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL. Only, Clara is so down on me if I am not positively
reeking with the latest slang. Good-bye.

PICKERING. Good-bye [They shake hands].

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [to Mrs. Higgins] You mustn't mind Clara.
[Pickering, catching from her lowered tone that this is not meant for
him to hear, discreetly joins Higgins at the window]. We're so poor!
and she gets so few parties, poor child! She doesn't quite know. [Mrs.
Higgins, seeing that her eyes are moist, takes her hand sympathetically
and goes with her to the door]. But the boy is nice. Don't you think so?

MRS. HIGGINS. Oh, quite nice. I shall always be delighted to see him.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL. Thank you, dear. Good-bye. [She goes out].

HIGGINS [eagerly] Well? Is Eliza presentable [he swoops on his mother
and drags her to the ottoman, where she sits down in Eliza's place with
her son on her left]?

Pickering returns to his chair on her right.

MRS. HIGGINS. You silly boy, of course she's not presentable. She's a
triumph of your art and of her dressmaker's; but if you suppose for a
moment that she doesn't give herself away in every sentence she utters,
you must be perfectly cracked about her.

PICKERING. But don't you think something might be done? I mean
something to eliminate the sanguinary element from her conversation.

MRS. HIGGINS. Not as long as she is in Henry's hands.

HIGGINS [aggrieved] Do you mean that my language is improper?

MRS. HIGGINS. No, dearest: it would be quite proper--say on a canal
barge; but it would not be proper for her at a garden party.

HIGGINS [deeply injured] Well I must say--

PICKERING [interrupting him] Come, Higgins: you must learn to know
yourself. I haven't heard such language as yours since we used to
review the volunteers in Hyde Park twenty years ago.

HIGGINS [sulkily] Oh, well, if you say so, I suppose I don't always
talk like a bishop.

MRS. HIGGINS [quieting Henry with a touch] Colonel Pickering: will you
tell me what is the exact state of things in Wimpole Street?

PICKERING [cheerfully: as if this completely changed the subject] Well,
I have come to live there with Henry. We work together at my Indian
Dialects; and we think it more convenient--

MRS. HIGGINS. Quite so. I know all about that: it's an excellent
arrangement. But where does this girl live?

HIGGINS. With us, of course. Where would she live?

MRS. HIGGINS. But on what terms? Is she a servant? If not, what is she?

PICKERING [slowly] I think I know what you mean, Mrs. Higgins.

HIGGINS. Well, dash me if I do! I've had to work at the girl every day
for months to get her to her present pitch. Besides, she's useful. She
knows where my things are, and remembers my appointments and so forth.

MRS. HIGGINS. How does your housekeeper get on with her?

HIGGINS. Mrs. Pearce? Oh, she's jolly glad to get so much taken off her
hands; for before Eliza came, she had to have to find things and remind
me of my appointments. But she's got some silly bee in her bonnet about
Eliza. She keeps saying "You don't think, sir": doesn't she, Pick?

PICKERING. Yes: that's the formula. "You don't think, sir." That's the
end of every conversation about Eliza.

HIGGINS. As if I ever stop thinking about the girl and her confounded
vowels and consonants. I'm worn out, thinking about her, and watching
her lips and her teeth and her tongue, not to mention her soul, which
is the quaintest of the lot.

MRS. HIGGINS. You certainly are a pretty pair of babies, playing with
your live doll.

HIGGINS. Playing! The hardest job I ever tackled: make no mistake about
that, mother. But you have no idea how frightfully interesting it is to
take a human being and change her into a quite different human being by
creating a new speech for her. It's filling up the deepest gulf that
separates class from class and soul from soul.

PICKERING [drawing his chair closer to Mrs. Higgins and bending over to
her eagerly] Yes: it's enormously interesting. I assure you, Mrs.
Higgins, we take Eliza very seriously. Every week--every day
almost--there is some new change. [Closer again] We keep records of
every stage--dozens of gramophone disks and photographs--

HIGGINS [assailing her at the other ear] Yes, by George: it's the most
absorbing experiment I ever tackled. She regularly fills our lives up;
doesn't she, Pick?

PICKERING. We're always talking Eliza.

HIGGINS. Teaching Eliza.

PICKERING. Dressing Eliza.

MRS. HIGGINS. What!

HIGGINS. Inventing new Elizas.

Higgins and Pickering, speaking together:

  HIGGINS.    You know, she has the most extraordinary quickness of ear:
  PICKERING.  I assure you, my dear Mrs. Higgins, that girl
  HIGGINS.    just like a parrot. I've tried her with every
  PICKERING.  is a genius. She can play the piano quite beautifully
  HIGGINS.    possible sort of sound that a human being can make--
  PICKERING.  We have taken her to classical concerts and to music
  HIGGINS.    Continental dialects, African dialects, Hottentot
  PICKERING.  halls; and it's all the same to her: she plays everything
  HIGGINS.    clicks, things it took me years to get hold of; and
  PICKERING.  she hears right off when she comes home, whether it's
  HIGGINS.    she picks them up like a shot, right away, as if she had
  PICKERING.  Beethoven and Brahms or Lehar and Lionel Morickton;
  HIGGINS.    been at it all her life.
  PICKERING.  though six months ago, she'd never as much as touched
              a piano.

MRS. HIGGINS [putting her fingers in her ears, as they are by this time
shouting one another down with an intolerable noise] Sh--sh--sh--sh!
[They stop].

PICKERING. I beg your pardon. [He draws his chair back apologetically].

HIGGINS. Sorry. When Pickering starts shouting nobody can get a word in
edgeways.

MRS. HIGGINS. Be quiet, Henry. Colonel Pickering: don't you realize
that when Eliza walked into Wimpole Street, something walked in with
her?

PICKERING. Her father did. But Henry soon got rid of him.

MRS. HIGGINS. It would have been more to the point if her mother had.
But as her mother didn't something else did.

PICKERING. But what?

MRS. HIGGINS [unconsciously dating herself by the word] A problem.

PICKERING. Oh, I see. The problem of how to pass her off as a lady.

HIGGINS. I'll solve that problem. I've half solved it already.

MRS. HIGGINS. No, you two infinitely stupid male creatures: the problem
of what is to be done with her afterwards.

HIGGINS. I don't see anything in that. She can go her own way, with all
the advantages I have given her.

MRS. HIGGINS. The advantages of that poor woman who was here just now!
The manners and habits that disqualify a fine lady from earning her own
living without giving her a fine lady's income! Is that what you mean?

PICKERING [indulgently, being rather bored] Oh, that will be all right,
Mrs. Higgins. [He rises to go].

HIGGINS [rising also] We'll find her some light employment.

PICKERING. She's happy enough. Don't you worry about her. Good-bye. [He
shakes hands as if he were consoling a frightened child, and makes for
the door].

HIGGINS. Anyhow, there's no good bothering now. The thing's done.
Good-bye, mother. [He kisses her, and follows Pickering].

PICKERING [turning for a final consolation] There are plenty of
openings. We'll do what's right. Good-bye.

HIGGINS [to Pickering as they go out together] Let's take her to the
Shakespear exhibition at Earls Court.

PICKERING. Yes: let's. Her remarks will be delicious.

HIGGINS. She'll mimic all the people for us when we get home.

PICKERING. Ripping. [Both are heard laughing as they go downstairs].

MRS. HIGGINS [rises with an impatient bounce, and returns to her work
at the writing-table. She sweeps a litter of disarranged papers out of
her way; snatches a sheet of paper from her stationery case; and tries
resolutely to write. At the third line she gives it up; flings down her
pen; grips the table angrily and exclaims] Oh, men! men!! men!!!



ACT IV

The Wimpole Street laboratory. Midnight. Nobody in the room. The clock
on the mantelpiece strikes twelve. The fire is not alight: it is a
summer night.

Presently Higgins and Pickering are heard on the stairs.

HIGGINS [calling down to Pickering] I say, Pick: lock up, will you. I
shan't be going out again.

PICKERING. Right. Can Mrs. Pearce go to bed? We don't want anything
more, do we?

HIGGINS. Lord, no!

Eliza opens the door and is seen on the lighted landing in opera cloak,
brilliant evening dress, and diamonds, with fan, flowers, and all
accessories. She comes to the hearth, and switches on the electric
lights there. She is tired: her pallor contrasts strongly with her dark
eyes and hair; and her expression is almost tragic. She takes off her
cloak; puts her fan and flowers on the piano; and sits down on the
bench, brooding and silent. Higgins, in evening dress, with overcoat
and hat, comes in, carrying a smoking jacket which he has picked up
downstairs. He takes off the hat and overcoat; throws them carelessly
on the newspaper stand; disposes of his coat in the same way; puts on
the smoking jacket; and throws himself wearily into the easy-chair at
the hearth. Pickering, similarly attired, comes in. He also takes off
his hat and overcoat, and is about to throw them on Higgins's when he
hesitates.

PICKERING. I say: Mrs. Pearce will row if we leave these things lying
about in the drawing-room.

HIGGINS. Oh, chuck them over the bannisters into the hall. She'll find
them there in the morning and put them away all right. She'll think we
were drunk.

PICKERING. We are, slightly. Are there any letters?

HIGGINS. I didn't look. [Pickering takes the overcoats and hats and
goes down stairs. Higgins begins half singing half yawning an air from
La Fanciulla del Golden West. Suddenly he stops and exclaims] I wonder
where the devil my slippers are!

Eliza looks at him darkly; then leaves the room.

Higgins yawns again, and resumes his song. Pickering returns, with the
contents of the letter-box in his hand.

PICKERING. Only circulars, and this coroneted billet-doux for you. [He
throws the circulars into the fender, and posts himself on the
hearthrug, with his back to the grate].

HIGGINS [glancing at the billet-doux] Money-lender. [He throws the
letter after the circulars].

Eliza returns with a pair of large down-at-heel slippers. She places
them on the carpet before Higgins, and sits as before without a word.

HIGGINS [yawning again] Oh Lord! What an evening! What a crew! What a
silly tomfoollery! [He raises his shoe to unlace it, and catches sight
of the slippers. He stops unlacing and looks at them as if they had
appeared there of their own accord]. Oh! they're there, are they?

PICKERING [stretching himself] Well, I feel a bit tired. It's been a
long day. The garden party, a dinner party, and the opera! Rather too
much of a good thing. But you've won your bet, Higgins. Eliza did the
trick, and something to spare, eh?

HIGGINS [fervently] Thank God it's over!

Eliza flinches violently; but they take no notice of her; and she
recovers herself and sits stonily as before.

PICKERING. Were you nervous at the garden party? I was. Eliza didn't
seem a bit nervous.

HIGGINS. Oh, she wasn't nervous. I knew she'd be all right. No, it's
the strain of putting the job through all these months that has told on
me. It was interesting enough at first, while we were at the phonetics;
but after that I got deadly sick of it. If I hadn't backed myself to do
it I should have chucked the whole thing up two months ago. It was a
silly notion: the whole thing has been a bore.

PICKERING. Oh come! the garden party was frightfully exciting. My heart
began beating like anything.

HIGGINS. Yes, for the first three minutes. But when I saw we were going
to win hands down, I felt like a bear in a cage, hanging about doing
nothing. The dinner was worse: sitting gorging there for over an hour,
with nobody but a damned fool of a fashionable woman to talk to! I tell
you, Pickering, never again for me. No more artificial duchesses. The
whole thing has been simple purgatory.

PICKERING. You've never been broken in properly to the social routine.
[Strolling over to the piano] I rather enjoy dipping into it
occasionally myself: it makes me feel young again. Anyhow, it was a
great success: an immense success. I was quite frightened once or twice
because Eliza was doing it so well. You see, lots of the real people
can't do it at all: they're such fools that they think style comes by
nature to people in their position; and so they never learn. There's
always something professional about doing a thing superlatively well.

HIGGINS. Yes: that's what drives me mad: the silly people don't know
their own silly business. [Rising] However, it's over and done with;
and now I can go to bed at last without dreading tomorrow.

Eliza's beauty becomes murderous.

PICKERING. I think I shall turn in too. Still, it's been a great
occasion: a triumph for you. Good-night. [He goes].

HIGGINS [following him] Good-night. [Over his shoulder, at the door]
Put out the lights, Eliza; and tell Mrs. Pearce not to make coffee for
me in the morning: I'll take tea. [He goes out].

Eliza tries to control herself and feel indifferent as she rises and
walks across to the hearth to switch off the lights. By the time she
gets there she is on the point of screaming. She sits down in Higgins's
chair and holds on hard to the arms. Finally she gives way and flings
herself furiously on the floor raging.

HIGGINS [in despairing wrath outside] What the devil have I done with
my slippers? [He appears at the door].

LIZA [snatching up the slippers, and hurling them at him one after the
other with all her force] There are your slippers. And there. Take your
slippers; and may you never have a day's luck with them!

HIGGINS [astounded] What on earth--! [He comes to her]. What's the
matter? Get up. [He pulls her up]. Anything wrong?

LIZA [breathless] Nothing wrong--with YOU. I've won your bet for you,
haven't I? That's enough for you. _I_ don't matter, I suppose.

HIGGINS. YOU won my bet! You! Presumptuous insect! _I_ won it. What did
you throw those slippers at me for?

LIZA. Because I wanted to smash your face. I'd like to kill you, you
selfish brute. Why didn't you leave me where you picked me out of--in
the gutter? You thank God it's all over, and that now you can throw me
back again there, do you? [She crisps her fingers, frantically].

HIGGINS [looking at her in cool wonder] The creature IS nervous, after
all.

LIZA [gives a suffocated scream of fury, and instinctively darts her
nails at his face]!!

HIGGINS [catching her wrists] Ah! would you? Claws in, you cat. How
dare you show your temper to me? Sit down and be quiet. [He throws her
roughly into the easy-chair].

LIZA [crushed by superior strength and weight] What's to become of me?
What's to become of me?

HIGGINS. How the devil do I know what's to become of you? What does it
matter what becomes of you?

LIZA. You don't care. I know you don't care. You wouldn't care if I was
dead. I'm nothing to you--not so much as them slippers.

HIGGINS [thundering] THOSE slippers.

LIZA [with bitter submission] Those slippers. I didn't think it made
any difference now.

A pause. Eliza hopeless and crushed. Higgins a little uneasy.

HIGGINS [in his loftiest manner] Why have you begun going on like this?
May I ask whether you complain of your treatment here?

LIZA. No.

HIGGINS. Has anybody behaved badly to you? Colonel Pickering? Mrs.
Pearce? Any of the servants?

LIZA. No.

HIGGINS. I presume you don't pretend that I have treated you badly.

LIZA. No.

HIGGINS. I am glad to hear it. [He moderates his tone]. Perhaps you're
tired after the strain of the day. Will you have a glass of champagne?
[He moves towards the door].

LIZA. No. [Recollecting her manners] Thank you.

HIGGINS [good-humored again] This has been coming on you for some days.
I suppose it was natural for you to be anxious about the garden party.
But that's all over now. [He pats her kindly on the shoulder. She
writhes]. There's nothing more to worry about.

LIZA. No. Nothing more for you to worry about. [She suddenly rises and
gets away from him by going to the piano bench, where she sits and
hides her face]. Oh God! I wish I was dead.

HIGGINS [staring after her in sincere surprise] Why? in heaven's name,
why? [Reasonably, going to her] Listen to me, Eliza. All this
irritation is purely subjective.

LIZA. I don't understand. I'm too ignorant.

HIGGINS. It's only imagination. Low spirits and nothing else. Nobody's
hurting you. Nothing's wrong. You go to bed like a good girl and sleep
it off. Have a little cry and say your prayers: that will make you
comfortable.

LIZA. I heard YOUR prayers. "Thank God it's all over!"

HIGGINS [impatiently] Well, don't you thank God it's all over? Now you
are free and can do what you like.

LIZA [pulling herself together in desperation] What am I fit for? What
have you left me fit for? Where am I to go? What am I to do? What's to
become of me?

HIGGINS [enlightened, but not at all impressed] Oh, that's what's
worrying you, is it? [He thrusts his hands into his pockets, and walks
about in his usual manner, rattling the contents of his pockets, as if
condescending to a trivial subject out of pure kindness]. I shouldn't
bother about it if I were you. I should imagine you won't have much
difficulty in settling yourself, somewhere or other, though I hadn't
quite realized that you were going away. [She looks quickly at him: he
does not look at her, but examines the dessert stand on the piano and
decides that he will eat an apple]. You might marry, you know. [He
bites a large piece out of the apple, and munches it noisily]. You see,
Eliza, all men are not confirmed old bachelors like me and the Colonel.
Most men are the marrying sort (poor devils!); and you're not
bad-looking; it's quite a pleasure to look at you sometimes--not now,
of course, because you're crying and looking as ugly as the very devil;
but when you're all right and quite yourself, you're what I should call
attractive. That is, to the people in the marrying line, you
understand. You go to bed and have a good nice rest; and then get up
and look at yourself in the glass; and you won't feel so cheap.

Eliza again looks at him, speechless, and does not stir.

The look is quite lost on him: he eats his apple with a dreamy
expression of happiness, as it is quite a good one.

HIGGINS [a genial afterthought occurring to him] I daresay my mother
could find some chap or other who would do very well--

LIZA. We were above that at the corner of Tottenham Court Road.

HIGGINS [waking up] What do you mean?

LIZA. I sold flowers. I didn't sell myself. Now you've made a lady of
me I'm not fit to sell anything else. I wish you'd left me where you
found me.

HIGGINS [slinging the core of the apple decisively into the grate]
Tosh, Eliza. Don't you insult human relations by dragging all this cant
about buying and selling into it. You needn't marry the fellow if you
don't like him.

LIZA. What else am I to do?

HIGGINS. Oh, lots of things. What about your old idea of a florist's
shop? Pickering could set you up in one: he's lots of money.
[Chuckling] He'll have to pay for all those togs you have been wearing
today; and that, with the hire of the jewellery, will make a big hole
in two hundred pounds. Why, six months ago you would have thought it
the millennium to have a flower shop of your own. Come! you'll be all
right. I must clear off to bed: I'm devilish sleepy. By the way, I came
down for something: I forget what it was.

LIZA. Your slippers.

HIGGINS. Oh yes, of course. You shied them at me. [He picks them up,
and is going out when she rises and speaks to him].

LIZA. Before you go, sir--

HIGGINS [dropping the slippers in his surprise at her calling him sir]
Eh?

LIZA. Do my clothes belong to me or to Colonel Pickering?

HIGGINS [coming back into the room as if her question were the very
climax of unreason] What the devil use would they be to Pickering?

LIZA. He might want them for the next girl you pick up to experiment on.

HIGGINS [shocked and hurt] Is THAT the way you feel towards us?

LIZA. I don't want to hear anything more about that. All I want to know
is whether anything belongs to me. My own clothes were burnt.

HIGGINS. But what does it matter? Why need you start bothering about
that in the middle of the night?

LIZA. I want to know what I may take away with me. I don't want to be
accused of stealing.

HIGGINS [now deeply wounded] Stealing! You shouldn't have said that,
Eliza. That shows a want of feeling.

LIZA. I'm sorry. I'm only a common ignorant girl; and in my station I
have to be careful. There can't be any feelings between the like of you
and the like of me. Please will you tell me what belongs to me and what
doesn't?

HIGGINS [very sulky] You may take the whole damned houseful if you
like. Except the jewels. They're hired. Will that satisfy you? [He
turns on his heel and is about to go in extreme dudgeon].

LIZA [drinking in his emotion like nectar, and nagging him to provoke a
further supply] Stop, please. [She takes off her jewels]. Will you take
these to your room and keep them safe? I don't want to run the risk of
their being missing.

HIGGINS [furious] Hand them over. [She puts them into his hands]. If
these belonged to me instead of to the jeweler, I'd ram them down your
ungrateful throat. [He perfunctorily thrusts them into his pockets,
unconsciously decorating himself with the protruding ends of the
chains].

LIZA [taking a ring off] This ring isn't the jeweler's: it's the one
you bought me in Brighton. I don't want it now. [Higgins dashes the
ring violently into the fireplace, and turns on her so threateningly
that she crouches over the piano with her hands over her face, and
exclaims] Don't you hit me.

HIGGINS. Hit you! You infamous creature, how dare you accuse me of such
a thing? It is you who have hit me. You have wounded me to the heart.

LIZA [thrilling with hidden joy] I'm glad. I've got a little of my own
back, anyhow.

HIGGINS [with dignity, in his finest professional style] You have
caused me to lose my temper: a thing that has hardly ever happened to
me before. I prefer to say nothing more tonight. I am going to bed.

LIZA [pertly] You'd better leave a note for Mrs. Pearce about the
coffee; for she won't be told by me.

HIGGINS [formally] Damn Mrs. Pearce; and damn the coffee; and damn you;
and damn my own folly in having lavished MY hard-earned knowledge and
the treasure of my regard and intimacy on a heartless guttersnipe. [He
goes out with impressive decorum, and spoils it by slamming the door
savagely].

Eliza smiles for the first time; expresses her feelings by a wild
pantomime in which an imitation of Higgins's exit is confused with her
own triumph; and finally goes down on her knees on the hearthrug to
look for the ring.



ACT V

Mrs. Higgins's drawing-room. She is at her writing-table as before. The
parlor-maid comes in.

THE PARLOR-MAID [at the door]  Mr. Henry, mam, is downstairs with
Colonel Pickering.

MRS. HIGGINS. Well, show them up.

THE PARLOR-MAID. They're using the telephone, mam. Telephoning to the
police, I think.

MRS. HIGGINS. What!

THE PARLOR-MAID [coming further in and lowering her voice] Mr. Henry's
in a state, mam. I thought I'd better tell you.

MRS. HIGGINS. If you had told me that Mr. Henry was not in a state it
would have been more surprising. Tell them to come up when they've
finished with the police. I suppose he's lost something.

THE PARLOR-MAID. Yes, mam [going].

MRS. HIGGINS. Go upstairs and tell Miss Doolittle that Mr. Henry and
the Colonel are here. Ask her not to come down till I send for her.

THE PARLOR-MAID. Yes, mam.

Higgins bursts in. He is, as the parlor-maid has said, in a state.

HIGGINS. Look here, mother: here's a confounded thing!

MRS. HIGGINS. Yes, dear. Good-morning. [He checks his impatience and
kisses her, whilst the parlor-maid goes out]. What is it?

HIGGINS. Eliza's bolted.

MRS. HIGGINS [calmly continuing her writing] You must have frightened
her.

HIGGINS. Frightened her! nonsense! She was left last night, as usual,
to turn out the lights and all that; and instead of going to bed she
changed her clothes and went right off: her bed wasn't slept in. She
came in a cab for her things before seven this morning; and that fool
Mrs. Pearce let her have them without telling me a word about it. What
am I to do?

MRS. HIGGINS. Do without, I'm afraid, Henry. The girl has a perfect
right to leave if she chooses.

HIGGINS [wandering distractedly across the room] But I can't find
anything. I don't know what appointments I've got. I'm-- [Pickering
comes in. Mrs. Higgins puts down her pen and turns away from the
writing-table].

PICKERING [shaking hands] Good-morning, Mrs. Higgins. Has Henry told
you? [He sits down on the ottoman].

HIGGINS. What does that ass of an inspector say? Have you offered a
reward?

MRS. HIGGINS [rising in indignant amazement] You don't mean to say you
have set the police after Eliza?

HIGGINS. Of course. What are the police for? What else could we do? [He
sits in the Elizabethan chair].

PICKERING. The inspector made a lot of difficulties. I really think he
suspected us of some improper purpose.

MRS. HIGGINS. Well, of course he did. What right have you to go to the
police and give the girl's name as if she were a thief, or a lost
umbrella, or something? Really! [She sits down again, deeply vexed].

HIGGINS. But we want to find her.

PICKERING. We can't let her go like this, you know, Mrs. Higgins. What
were we to do?

MRS. HIGGINS. You have no more sense, either of you, than two children.
Why--

The parlor-maid comes in and breaks off the conversation.

THE PARLOR-MAID. Mr. Henry: a gentleman wants to see you very
particular. He's been sent on from Wimpole Street.

HIGGINS. Oh, bother! I can't see anyone now. Who is it?

THE PARLOR-MAID. A Mr. Doolittle, Sir.

PICKERING. Doolittle! Do you mean the dustman?

THE PARLOR-MAID. Dustman! Oh no, sir: a gentleman.

HIGGINS [springing up excitedly] By George, Pick, it's some relative of
hers that she's gone to. Somebody we know nothing about. [To the
parlor-maid] Send him up, quick.

THE PARLOR-MAID. Yes, Sir. [She goes].

HIGGINS [eagerly, going to his mother] Genteel relatives! now we shall
hear something. [He sits down in the Chippendale chair].

MRS. HIGGINS. Do you know any of her people?

PICKERING. Only her father: the fellow we told you about.

THE PARLOR-MAID [announcing] Mr. Doolittle. [She withdraws].

Doolittle enters. He is brilliantly dressed in a new fashionable
frock-coat, with white waistcoat and grey trousers. A flower in his
buttonhole, a dazzling silk hat, and patent leather shoes complete the
effect. He is too concerned with the business he has come on to notice
Mrs. Higgins. He walks straight to Higgins, and accosts him with
vehement reproach.

DOOLITTLE [indicating his own person] See here! Do you see this? You
done this.

HIGGINS. Done what, man?

DOOLITTLE. This, I tell you. Look at it. Look at this hat. Look at this
coat.

PICKERING. Has Eliza been buying you clothes?

DOOLITTLE. Eliza! not she. Not half. Why would she buy me clothes?

MRS. HIGGINS. Good-morning, Mr. Doolittle. Won't you sit down?

DOOLITTLE [taken aback as he becomes conscious that he has forgotten
his hostess] Asking your pardon, ma'am. [He approaches her and shakes
her proffered hand]. Thank you. [He sits down on the ottoman, on
Pickering's right]. I am that full of what has happened to me that I
can't think of anything else.

HIGGINS. What the dickens has happened to you?

DOOLITTLE. I shouldn't mind if it had only happened to me: anything
might happen to anybody and nobody to blame but Providence, as you
might say. But this is something that you done to me: yes, you, Henry
Higgins.

HIGGINS. Have you found Eliza? That's the point.

DOOLITTLE. Have you lost her?

HIGGINS. Yes.

DOOLITTLE. You have all the luck, you have. I ain't found her; but
she'll find me quick enough now after what you done to me.

MRS. HIGGINS. But what has my son done to you, Mr. Doolittle?

DOOLITTLE. Done to me! Ruined me. Destroyed my happiness. Tied me up
and delivered me into the hands of middle class morality.

HIGGINS [rising intolerantly and standing over Doolittle] You're
raving. You're drunk. You're mad. I gave you five pounds. After that I
had two conversations with you, at half-a-crown an hour. I've never
seen you since.

DOOLITTLE. Oh! Drunk! am I? Mad! am I? Tell me this. Did you or did you
not write a letter to an old blighter in America that was giving five
millions to found Moral Reform Societies all over the world, and that
wanted you to invent a universal language for him?

HIGGINS. What! Ezra D. Wannafeller! He's dead. [He sits down again
carelessly].

DOOLITTLE. Yes: he's dead; and I'm done for. Now did you or did you not
write a letter to him to say that the most original moralist at present
in England, to the best of your knowledge, was Alfred Doolittle, a
common dustman.

HIGGINS. Oh, after your last visit I remember making some silly joke of
the kind.

DOOLITTLE. Ah! you may well call it a silly joke. It put the lid on me
right enough. Just give him the chance he wanted to show that Americans
is not like us: that they recognize and respect merit in every class of
life, however humble. Them words is in his blooming will, in which,
Henry Higgins, thanks to your silly joking, he leaves me a share in his
Pre-digested Cheese Trust worth three thousand a year on condition that
I lecture for his Wannafeller Moral Reform World League as often as
they ask me up to six times a year.

HIGGINS. The devil he does! Whew! [Brightening suddenly] What a lark!

PICKERING. A safe thing for you, Doolittle. They won't ask you twice.

DOOLITTLE. It ain't the lecturing I mind. I'll lecture them blue in the
face, I will, and not turn a hair. It's making a gentleman of me that I
object to. Who asked him to make a gentleman of me? I was happy. I was
free. I touched pretty nigh everybody for money when I wanted it, same
as I touched you, Henry Higgins. Now I am worrited; tied neck and
heels; and everybody touches me for money. It's a fine thing for you,
says my solicitor. Is it? says I. You mean it's a good thing for you, I
says. When I was a poor man and had a solicitor once when they found a
pram in the dust cart, he got me off, and got shut of me and got me
shut of him as quick as he could. Same with the doctors: used to shove
me out of the hospital before I could hardly stand on my legs, and
nothing to pay. Now they finds out that I'm not a healthy man and can't
live unless they looks after me twice a day. In the house I'm not let
do a hand's turn for myself: somebody else must do it and touch me for
it. A year ago I hadn't a relative in the world except two or three
that wouldn't speak to me. Now I've fifty, and not a decent week's
wages among the lot of them. I have to live for others and not for
myself: that's middle class morality. You talk of losing Eliza. Don't
you be anxious: I bet she's on my doorstep by this: she that could
support herself easy by selling flowers if I wasn't respectable. And
the next one to touch me will be you, Henry Higgins. I'll have to learn
to speak middle class language from you, instead of speaking proper
English. That's where you'll come in; and I daresay that's what you
done it for.

MRS. HIGGINS. But, my dear Mr. Doolittle, you need not suffer all this
if you are really in earnest. Nobody can force you to accept this
bequest. You can repudiate it. Isn't that so, Colonel Pickering?

PICKERING. I believe so.

DOOLITTLE [softening his manner in deference to her sex] That's the
tragedy of it, ma'am. It's easy to say chuck it; but I haven't the
nerve. Which one of us has? We're all intimidated. Intimidated, ma'am:
that's what we are. What is there for me if I chuck it but the
workhouse in my old age? I have to dye my hair already to keep my job
as a dustman. If I was one of the deserving poor, and had put by a bit,
I could chuck it; but then why should I, acause the deserving poor
might as well be millionaires for all the happiness they ever has. They
don't know what happiness is. But I, as one of the undeserving poor,
have nothing between me and the pauper's uniform but this here blasted
three thousand a year that shoves me into the middle class. (Excuse the
expression, ma'am: you'd use it yourself if you had my provocation).
They've got you every way you turn: it's a choice between the Skilly of
the workhouse and the Char Bydis of the middle class; and I haven't the
nerve for the workhouse. Intimidated: that's what I am. Broke. Bought
up. Happier men than me will call for my dust, and touch me for their
tip; and I'll look on helpless, and envy them. And that's what your son
has brought me to. [He is overcome by emotion].

MRS. HIGGINS. Well, I'm very glad you're not going to do anything
foolish, Mr. Doolittle. For this solves the problem of Eliza's future.
You can provide for her now.

DOOLITTLE [with melancholy resignation] Yes, ma'am; I'm expected to
provide for everyone now, out of three thousand a year.

HIGGINS [jumping up] Nonsense! he can't provide for her. He shan't
provide for her. She doesn't belong to him. I paid him five pounds for
her. Doolittle: either you're an honest man or a rogue.

DOOLITTLE [tolerantly] A little of both, Henry, like the rest of us: a
little of both.

HIGGINS. Well, you took that money for the girl; and you have no right
to take her as well.

MRS. HIGGINS. Henry: don't be absurd. If you really want to know where
Eliza is, she is upstairs.

HIGGINS [amazed] Upstairs!!! Then I shall jolly soon fetch her
downstairs. [He makes resolutely for the door].

MRS. HIGGINS [rising and following him] Be quiet, Henry. Sit down.

HIGGINS. I--

MRS. HIGGINS. Sit down, dear; and listen to me.

HIGGINS. Oh very well, very well, very well. [He throws himself
ungraciously on the ottoman, with his face towards the windows]. But I
think you might have told me this half an hour ago.

MRS. HIGGINS. Eliza came to me this morning. She passed the night
partly walking about in a rage, partly trying to throw herself into the
river and being afraid to, and partly in the Carlton Hotel. She told me
of the brutal way you two treated her.

HIGGINS [bounding up again] What!

PICKERING [rising also] My dear Mrs. Higgins, she's been telling you
stories. We didn't treat her brutally. We hardly said a word to her;
and we parted on particularly good terms. [Turning on Higgins]. Higgins
did you bully her after I went to bed?

HIGGINS. Just the other way about. She threw my slippers in my face.
She behaved in the most outrageous way. I never gave her the slightest
provocation. The slippers came bang into my face the moment I entered
the room--before I had uttered a word. And used perfectly awful
language.

PICKERING [astonished] But why? What did we do to her?

MRS. HIGGINS. I think I know pretty well what you did. The girl is
naturally rather affectionate, I think. Isn't she, Mr. Doolittle?

DOOLITTLE. Very tender-hearted, ma'am. Takes after me.

MRS. HIGGINS. Just so. She had become attached to you both. She worked
very hard for you, Henry! I don't think you quite realize what anything
in the nature of brain work means to a girl like that. Well, it seems
that when the great day of trial came, and she did this wonderful thing
for you without making a single mistake, you two sat there and never
said a word to her, but talked together of how glad you were that it
was all over and how you had been bored with the whole thing. And then
you were surprised because she threw your slippers at you! _I_ should
have thrown the fire-irons at you.

HIGGINS. We said nothing except that we were tired and wanted to go to
bed. Did we, Pick?

PICKERING [shrugging his shoulders] That was all.

MRS. HIGGINS [ironically] Quite sure?

PICKERING. Absolutely. Really, that was all.

MRS. HIGGINS. You didn't thank her, or pet her, or admire her, or tell
her how splendid she'd been.

HIGGINS [impatiently] But she knew all about that. We didn't make
speeches to her, if that's what you mean.

PICKERING [conscience stricken] Perhaps we were a little inconsiderate.
Is she very angry?

MRS. HIGGINS [returning to her place at the writing-table] Well, I'm
afraid she won't go back to Wimpole Street, especially now that Mr.
Doolittle is able to keep up the position you have thrust on her; but
she says she is quite willing to meet you on friendly terms and to let
bygones be bygones.

HIGGINS [furious] Is she, by George? Ho!

MRS. HIGGINS. If you promise to behave yourself, Henry, I'll ask her to
come down. If not, go home; for you have taken up quite enough of my
time.

HIGGINS. Oh, all right. Very well. Pick: you behave yourself. Let us
put on our best Sunday manners for this creature that we picked out of
the mud. [He flings himself sulkily into the Elizabethan chair].

DOOLITTLE [remonstrating] Now, now, Henry Higgins! have some
consideration for my feelings as a middle class man.

MRS. HIGGINS. Remember your promise, Henry. [She presses the
bell-button on the writing-table]. Mr. Doolittle: will you be so good
as to step out on the balcony for a moment. I don't want Eliza to have
the shock of your news until she has made it up with these two
gentlemen. Would you mind?

DOOLITTLE. As you wish, lady. Anything to help Henry to keep her off my
hands. [He disappears through the window].

The parlor-maid answers the bell. Pickering sits down in Doolittle's
place.

MRS. HIGGINS. Ask Miss Doolittle to come down, please.

THE PARLOR-MAID. Yes, mam. [She goes out].

MRS. HIGGINS. Now, Henry: be good.

HIGGINS. I am behaving myself perfectly.

PICKERING. He is doing his best, Mrs. Higgins.

A pause. Higgins throws back his head; stretches out his legs; and
begins to whistle.

MRS. HIGGINS. Henry, dearest, you don't look at all nice in that
attitude.

HIGGINS [pulling himself together] I was not trying to look nice,
mother.

MRS. HIGGINS. It doesn't matter, dear. I only wanted to make you speak.

HIGGINS. Why?

MRS. HIGGINS. Because you can't speak and whistle at the same time.

Higgins groans. Another very trying pause.

HIGGINS [springing up, out of patience] Where the devil is that girl?
Are we to wait here all day?

Eliza enters, sunny, self-possessed, and giving a staggeringly
convincing exhibition of ease of manner. She carries a little
work-basket, and is very much at home. Pickering is too much taken
aback to rise.

LIZA. How do you do, Professor Higgins? Are you quite well?

HIGGINS [choking] Am I-- [He can say no more].

LIZA. But of course you are: you are never ill. So glad to see you
again, Colonel Pickering. [He rises hastily; and they shake hands].
Quite chilly this morning, isn't it? [She sits down on his left. He
sits beside her].

HIGGINS. Don't you dare try this game on me. I taught it to you; and it
doesn't take me in. Get up and come home; and don't be a fool.

Eliza takes a piece of needlework from her basket, and begins to stitch
at it, without taking the least notice of this outburst.

MRS. HIGGINS. Very nicely put, indeed, Henry. No woman could resist
such an invitation.

HIGGINS. You let her alone, mother. Let her speak for herself. You will
jolly soon see whether she has an idea that I haven't put into her head
or a word that I haven't put into her mouth. I tell you I have created
this thing out of the squashed cabbage leaves of Covent Garden; and now
she pretends to play the fine lady with me.

MRS. HIGGINS [placidly] Yes, dear; but you'll sit down, won't you?

Higgins sits down again, savagely.

LIZA [to Pickering, taking no apparent notice of Higgins, and working
away deftly] Will you drop me altogether now that the experiment is
over, Colonel Pickering?

PICKERING. Oh don't. You mustn't think of it as an experiment. It
shocks me, somehow.

LIZA. Oh, I'm only a squashed cabbage leaf.

PICKERING [impulsively] No.

LIZA [continuing quietly]--but I owe so much to you that I should be
very unhappy if you forgot me.

PICKERING. It's very kind of you to say so, Miss Doolittle.

LIZA. It's not because you paid for my dresses. I know you are generous
to everybody with money. But it was from you that I learnt really nice
manners; and that is what makes one a lady, isn't it? You see it was so
very difficult for me with the example of Professor Higgins always
before me. I was brought up to be just like him, unable to control
myself, and using bad language on the slightest provocation. And I
should never have known that ladies and gentlemen didn't behave like
that if you hadn't been there.

HIGGINS. Well!!

PICKERING. Oh, that's only his way, you know. He doesn't mean it.

LIZA. Oh, I didn't mean it either, when I was a flower girl. It was
only my way. But you see I did it; and that's what makes the difference
after all.

PICKERING. No doubt. Still, he taught you to speak; and I couldn't have
done that, you know.

LIZA [trivially] Of course: that is his profession.

HIGGINS. Damnation!

LIZA [continuing] It was just like learning to dance in the fashionable
way: there was nothing more than that in it. But do you know what began
my real education?

PICKERING. What?

LIZA [stopping her work for a moment] Your calling me Miss Doolittle
that day when I first came to Wimpole Street. That was the beginning of
self-respect for me. [She resumes her stitching]. And there were a
hundred little things you never noticed, because they came naturally to
you. Things about standing up and taking off your hat and opening
doors--

PICKERING. Oh, that was nothing.

LIZA. Yes: things that showed you thought and felt about me as if I
were something better than a scullerymaid; though of course I know you
would have been just the same to a scullery-maid if she had been let in
the drawing-room. You never took off your boots in the dining room when
I was there.

PICKERING. You mustn't mind that. Higgins takes off his boots all over
the place.

LIZA. I know. I am not blaming him. It is his way, isn't it? But it
made such a difference to me that you didn't do it. You see, really and
truly, apart from the things anyone can pick up (the dressing and the
proper way of speaking, and so on), the difference between a lady and a
flower girl is not how she behaves, but how she's treated. I shall
always be a flower girl to Professor Higgins, because he always treats
me as a flower girl, and always will; but I know I can be a lady to
you, because you always treat me as a lady, and always will.

MRS. HIGGINS. Please don't grind your teeth, Henry.

PICKERING. Well, this is really very nice of you, Miss Doolittle.

LIZA. I should like you to call me Eliza, now, if you would.

PICKERING. Thank you. Eliza, of course.

LIZA. And I should like Professor Higgins to call me Miss Doolittle.

HIGGINS. I'll see you damned first.

MRS. HIGGINS. Henry! Henry!

PICKERING [laughing] Why don't you slang back at him? Don't stand it.
It would do him a lot of good.

LIZA. I can't. I could have done it once; but now I can't go back to
it. Last night, when I was wandering about, a girl spoke to me; and I
tried to get back into the old way with her; but it was no use. You
told me, you know, that when a child is brought to a foreign country,
it picks up the language in a few weeks, and forgets its own. Well, I
am a child in your country. I have forgotten my own language, and can
speak nothing but yours. That's the real break-off with the corner of
Tottenham Court Road. Leaving Wimpole Street finishes it.

PICKERING [much alarmed] Oh! but you're coming back to Wimpole Street,
aren't you? You'll forgive Higgins?

HIGGINS [rising] Forgive! Will she, by George! Let her go. Let her find
out how she can get on without us. She will relapse into the gutter in
three weeks without me at her elbow.

Doolittle appears at the centre window. With a look of dignified
reproach at Higgins, he comes slowly and silently to his daughter, who,
with her back to the window, is unconscious of his approach.

PICKERING. He's incorrigible, Eliza. You won't relapse, will you?

LIZA. No: Not now. Never again. I have learnt my lesson. I don't
believe I could utter one of the old sounds if I tried. [Doolittle
touches her on her left shoulder. She drops her work, losing her
self-possession utterly at the spectacle of her father's splendor]
A--a--a--a--a--ah--ow--ooh!

HIGGINS [with a crow of triumph] Aha! Just so. A--a--a--a--ahowooh!
A--a--a--a--ahowooh ! A--a--a--a--ahowooh! Victory! Victory! [He throws
himself on the divan, folding his arms, and spraddling arrogantly].

DOOLITTLE. Can you blame the girl? Don't look at me like that, Eliza.
It ain't my fault. I've come into money.

LIZA.  You must have touched a millionaire this time, dad.

DOOLITTLE. I have. But I'm dressed something special today. I'm going
to St. George's, Hanover Square. Your stepmother is going to marry me.

LIZA [angrily] You're going to let yourself down to marry that low
common woman!

PICKERING [quietly] He ought to, Eliza. [To Doolittle] Why has she
changed her mind?

DOOLITTLE [sadly] Intimidated, Governor. Intimidated. Middle class
morality claims its victim. Won't you put on your hat, Liza, and come
and see me turned off?

LIZA. If the Colonel says I must, I--I'll [almost sobbing] I'll demean
myself. And get insulted for my pains, like enough.

DOOLITTLE. Don't be afraid: she never comes to words with anyone now,
poor woman! respectability has broke all the spirit out of her.

PICKERING [squeezing Eliza's elbow gently] Be kind to them, Eliza. Make
the best of it.

LIZA [forcing a little smile for him through her vexation] Oh well,
just to show there's no ill feeling. I'll be back in a moment. [She
goes out].

DOOLITTLE [sitting down beside Pickering] I feel uncommon nervous about
the ceremony, Colonel. I wish you'd come and see me through it.

PICKERING. But you've been through it before, man. You were married to
Eliza's mother.

DOOLITTLE. Who told you that, Colonel?

PICKERING. Well, nobody told me. But I concluded naturally--

DOOLITTLE. No: that ain't the natural way, Colonel: it's only the
middle class way. My way was always the undeserving way. But don't say
nothing to Eliza. She don't know: I always had a delicacy about telling
her.

PICKERING. Quite right. We'll leave it so, if you don't mind.

DOOLITTLE. And you'll come to the church, Colonel, and put me through
straight?

PICKERING. With pleasure. As far as a bachelor can.

MRS. HIGGINS. May I come, Mr. Doolittle? I should be very sorry to miss
your wedding.

DOOLITTLE. I should indeed be honored by your condescension, ma'am; and
my poor old woman would take it as a tremenjous compliment. She's been
very low, thinking of the happy days that are no more.

MRS. HIGGINS [rising] I'll order the carriage and get ready. [The men
rise, except Higgins]. I shan't be more than fifteen minutes. [As she
goes to the door Eliza comes in, hatted and buttoning her gloves]. I'm
going to the church to see your father married, Eliza. You had better
come in the brougham with me. Colonel Pickering can go on with the
bridegroom.

Mrs. Higgins goes out. Eliza comes to the middle of the room between
the centre window and the ottoman. Pickering joins her.

DOOLITTLE. Bridegroom! What a word! It makes a man realize his
position, somehow. [He takes up his hat and goes towards the door].

PICKERING. Before I go, Eliza, do forgive him and come back to us.

LIZA. I don't think papa would allow me. Would you, dad?

DOOLITTLE [sad but magnanimous] They played you off very cunning,
Eliza, them two sportsmen. If it had been only one of them, you could
have nailed him. But you see, there was two; and one of them chaperoned
the other, as you might say. [To Pickering] It was artful of you,
Colonel; but I bear no malice: I should have done the same myself. I
been the victim of one woman after another all my life; and I don't
grudge you two getting the better of Eliza. I shan't interfere. It's
time for us to go, Colonel. So long, Henry. See you in St. George's,
Eliza. [He goes out].

PICKERING [coaxing] Do stay with us, Eliza. [He follows Doolittle].

Eliza goes out on the balcony to avoid being alone with Higgins. He
rises and joins her there. She immediately comes back into the room and
makes for the door; but he goes along the balcony quickly and gets his
back to the door before she reaches it.

HIGGINS. Well, Eliza, you've had a bit of your own back, as you call
it. Have you had enough? and are you going to be reasonable? Or do you
want any more?

LIZA. You want me back only to pick up your slippers and put up with
your tempers and fetch and carry for you.

HIGGINS. I haven't said I wanted you back at all.

LIZA. Oh, indeed. Then what are we talking about?

HIGGINS. About you, not about me. If you come back I shall treat you
just as I have always treated you. I can't change my nature; and I
don't intend to change my manners. My manners are exactly the same as
Colonel Pickering's.

LIZA. That's not true. He treats a flower girl as if she was a duchess.

HIGGINS. And I treat a duchess as if she was a flower girl.

LIZA. I see. [She turns away composedly, and sits on the ottoman,
facing the window]. The same to everybody.

HIGGINS. Just so.

LIZA. Like father.

HIGGINS [grinning, a little taken down] Without accepting the
comparison at all points, Eliza, it's quite true that your father is
not a snob, and that he will be quite at home in any station of life to
which his eccentric destiny may call him. [Seriously] The great secret,
Eliza, is not having bad manners or good manners or any other
particular sort of manners, but having the same manner for all human
souls: in short, behaving as if you were in Heaven, where there are no
third-class carriages, and one soul is as good as another.

LIZA. Amen. You are a born preacher.

HIGGINS [irritated] The question is not whether I treat you rudely, but
whether you ever heard me treat anyone else better.

LIZA [with sudden sincerity] I don't care how you treat me. I don't
mind your swearing at me. I don't mind a black eye: I've had one before
this. But [standing up and facing him] I won't be passed over.

HIGGINS. Then get out of my way; for I won't stop for you. You talk
about me as if I were a motor bus.

LIZA. So you are a motor bus: all bounce and go, and no consideration
for anyone. But I can do without you: don't think I can't.

HIGGINS. I know you can. I told you you could.

LIZA [wounded, getting away from him to the other side of the ottoman
with her face to the hearth] I know you did, you brute. You wanted to
get rid of me.

HIGGINS. Liar.

LIZA. Thank you. [She sits down with dignity].

HIGGINS. You never asked yourself, I suppose, whether I could do
without YOU.

LIZA [earnestly] Don't you try to get round me. You'll HAVE to do
without me.

HIGGINS [arrogant] I can do without anybody. I have my own soul: my own
spark of divine fire. But [with sudden humility] I shall miss you,
Eliza. [He sits down near her on the ottoman]. I have learnt something
from your idiotic notions: I confess that humbly and gratefully. And I
have grown accustomed to your voice and appearance. I like them, rather.

LIZA. Well, you have both of them on your gramophone and in your book
of photographs. When you feel lonely without me, you can turn the
machine on. It's got no feelings to hurt.

HIGGINS. I can't turn your soul on. Leave me those feelings; and you
can take away the voice and the face. They are not you.

LIZA. Oh, you ARE a devil. You can twist the heart in a girl as easy as
some could twist her arms to hurt her. Mrs. Pearce warned me. Time and
again she has wanted to leave you; and you always got round her at the
last minute. And you don't care a bit for her. And you don't care a bit
for me.

HIGGINS. I care for life, for humanity; and you are a part of it that
has come my way and been built into my house. What more can you or
anyone ask?

LIZA. I won't care for anybody that doesn't care for me.

HIGGINS. Commercial principles, Eliza. Like [reproducing her Covent
Garden pronunciation with professional exactness] s'yollin voylets
[selling violets], isn't it?

LIZA. Don't sneer at me. It's mean to sneer at me.

HIGGINS. I have never sneered in my life. Sneering doesn't become
either the human face or the human soul. I am expressing my righteous
contempt for Commercialism. I don't and won't trade in affection. You
call me a brute because you couldn't buy a claim on me by fetching my
slippers and finding my spectacles. You were a fool: I think a woman
fetching a man's slippers is a disgusting sight: did I ever fetch YOUR
slippers? I think a good deal more of you for throwing them in my face.
No use slaving for me and then saying you want to be cared for: who
cares for a slave? If you come back, come back for the sake of good
fellowship; for you'll get nothing else. You've had a thousand times as
much out of me as I have out of you; and if you dare to set up your
little dog's tricks of fetching and carrying slippers against my
creation of a Duchess Eliza, I'll slam the door in your silly face.

LIZA. What did you do it for if you didn't care for me?

HIGGINS [heartily] Why, because it was my job.

LIZA. You never thought of the trouble it would make for me.

HIGGINS. Would the world ever have been made if its maker had been
afraid of making trouble? Making life means making trouble. There's
only one way of escaping trouble; and that's killing things. Cowards,
you notice, are always shrieking to have troublesome people killed.

LIZA. I'm no preacher: I don't notice things like that. I notice that
you don't notice me.

HIGGINS [jumping up and walking about intolerantly] Eliza: you're an
idiot. I waste the treasures of my Miltonic mind by spreading them
before you. Once for all, understand that I go my way and do my work
without caring twopence what happens to either of us. I am not
intimidated, like your father and your stepmother. So you can come back
or go to the devil: which you please.

LIZA. What am I to come back for?

HIGGINS [bouncing up on his knees on the ottoman and leaning over it to
her] For the fun of it. That's why I took you on.

LIZA [with averted face] And you may throw me out tomorrow if I don't
do everything you want me to?

HIGGINS. Yes; and you may walk out tomorrow if I don't do everything
YOU want me to.

LIZA. And live with my stepmother?

HIGGINS. Yes, or sell flowers.

LIZA. Oh! if I only COULD go back to my flower basket! I should be
independent of both you and father and all the world! Why did you take
my independence from me? Why did I give it up? I'm a slave now, for all
my fine clothes.

HIGGINS. Not a bit. I'll adopt you as my daughter and settle money on
you if you like. Or would you rather marry Pickering?

LIZA [looking fiercely round at him] I wouldn't marry YOU if you asked
me; and you're nearer my age than what he is.

HIGGINS [gently] Than he is: not "than what he is."

LIZA [losing her temper and rising] I'll talk as I like. You're not my
teacher now.

HIGGINS [reflectively] I don't suppose Pickering would, though. He's as
confirmed an old bachelor as I am.

LIZA. That's not what I want; and don't you think it. I've always had
chaps enough wanting me that way. Freddy Hill writes to me twice and
three times a day, sheets and sheets.

HIGGINS [disagreeably surprised] Damn his impudence! [He recoils and
finds himself sitting on his heels].

LIZA. He has a right to if he likes, poor lad. And he does love me.

HIGGINS [getting off the ottoman] You have no right to encourage him.

LIZA. Every girl has a right to be loved.

HIGGINS. What! By fools like that?

LIZA. Freddy's not a fool. And if he's weak and poor and wants me, may
be he'd make me happier than my betters that bully me and don't want me.

HIGGINS. Can he MAKE anything of you? That's the point.

LIZA. Perhaps I could make something of him. But I never thought of us
making anything of one another; and you never think of anything else. I
only want to be natural.

HIGGINS. In short, you want me to be as infatuated about you as Freddy?
Is that it?

LIZA. No I don't. That's not the sort of feeling I want from you. And
don't you be too sure of yourself or of me. I could have been a bad
girl if I'd liked. I've seen more of some things than you, for all your
learning. Girls like me can drag gentlemen down to make love to them
easy enough. And they wish each other dead the next minute.

HIGGINS. Of course they do. Then what in thunder are we quarrelling
about?

LIZA [much troubled] I want a little kindness. I know I'm a common
ignorant girl, and you a book-learned gentleman; but I'm not dirt under
your feet. What I done [correcting herself] what I did was not for the
dresses and the taxis: I did it because we were pleasant together and I
come--came--to care for you; not to want you to make love to me, and
not forgetting the difference between us, but more friendly like.

HIGGINS. Well, of course. That's just how I feel. And how Pickering
feels. Eliza: you're a fool.

LIZA. That's not a proper answer to give me [she sinks on the chair at
the writing-table in tears].

HIGGINS. It's all you'll get until you stop being a common idiot. If
you're going to be a lady, you'll have to give up feeling neglected if
the men you know don't spend half their time snivelling over you and
the other half giving you black eyes. If you can't stand the coldness
of my sort of life, and the strain of it, go back to the gutter. Work
til you are more a brute than a human being; and then cuddle and
squabble and drink til you fall asleep. Oh, it's a fine life, the life
of the gutter. It's real: it's warm: it's violent: you can feel it
through the thickest skin: you can taste it and smell it without any
training or any work. Not like Science and Literature and Classical
Music and Philosophy and Art. You find me cold, unfeeling, selfish,
don't you? Very well: be off with you to the sort of people you like.
Marry some sentimental hog or other with lots of money, and a thick
pair of lips to kiss you with and a thick pair of boots to kick you
with. If you can't appreciate what you've got, you'd better get what
you can appreciate.

LIZA [desperate] Oh, you are a cruel tyrant. I can't talk to you: you
turn everything against me: I'm always in the wrong. But you know very
well all the time that you're nothing but a bully. You know I can't go
back to the gutter, as you call it, and that I have no real friends in
the world but you and the Colonel. You know well I couldn't bear to
live with a low common man after you two; and it's wicked and cruel of
you to insult me by pretending I could. You think I must go back to
Wimpole Street because I have nowhere else to go but father's. But
don't you be too sure that you have me under your feet to be trampled
on and talked down. I'll marry Freddy, I will, as soon as he's able to
support me.

HIGGINS [sitting down beside her] Rubbish! you shall marry an
ambassador. You shall marry the Governor-General of India or the
Lord-Lieutenant of Ireland, or somebody who wants a deputy-queen. I'm
not going to have my masterpiece thrown away on Freddy.

LIZA. You think I like you to say that. But I haven't forgot what you
said a minute ago; and I won't be coaxed round as if I was a baby or a
puppy. If I can't have kindness, I'll have independence.

HIGGINS. Independence? That's middle class blasphemy. We are all
dependent on one another, every soul of us on earth.

LIZA [rising determinedly] I'll let you see whether I'm dependent on
you. If you can preach, I can teach. I'll go and be a teacher.

HIGGINS. What'll you teach, in heaven's name?

LIZA. What you taught me. I'll teach phonetics.

HIGGINS. Ha! Ha! Ha!

LIZA. I'll offer myself as an assistant to Professor Nepean.

HIGGINS [rising in a fury] What! That impostor! that humbug! that
toadying ignoramus! Teach him my methods! my discoveries! You take one
step in his direction and I'll wring your neck. [He lays hands on her].
Do you hear?

LIZA [defiantly non-resistant] Wring away. What do I care? I knew you'd
strike me some day. [He lets her go, stamping with rage at having
forgotten himself, and recoils so hastily that he stumbles back into
his seat on the ottoman]. Aha! Now I know how to deal with you. What a
fool I was not to think of it before! You can't take away the knowledge
you gave me. You said I had a finer ear than you. And I can be civil
and kind to people, which is more than you can. Aha! That's done you,
Henry Higgins, it has. Now I don't care that [snapping her fingers] for
your bullying and your big talk. I'll advertize it in the papers that
your duchess is only a flower girl that you taught, and that she'll
teach anybody to be a duchess just the same in six months for a
thousand guineas. Oh, when I think of myself crawling under your feet
and being trampled on and called names, when all the time I had only to
lift up my finger to be as good as you, I could just kick myself.

HIGGINS [wondering at her] You damned impudent slut, you! But it's
better than snivelling; better than fetching slippers and finding
spectacles, isn't it? [Rising] By George, Eliza, I said I'd make a
woman of you; and I have. I like you like this.

LIZA. Yes: you turn round and make up to me now that I'm not afraid of
you, and can do without you.

HIGGINS. Of course I do, you little fool. Five minutes ago you were
like a millstone round my neck. Now you're a tower of strength: a
consort battleship. You and I and Pickering will be three old bachelors
together instead of only two men and a silly girl.

Mrs. Higgins returns, dressed for the wedding. Eliza instantly becomes
cool and elegant.

MRS. HIGGINS. The carriage is waiting, Eliza. Are you ready?

LIZA. Quite. Is the Professor coming?

MRS. HIGGINS. Certainly not. He can't behave himself in church. He
makes remarks out loud all the time on the clergyman's pronunciation.

LIZA. Then I shall not see you again, Professor. Good bye. [She goes to
the door].

MRS. HIGGINS [coming to Higgins] Good-bye, dear.

HIGGINS. Good-bye, mother. [He is about to kiss her, when he recollects
something]. Oh, by the way, Eliza, order a ham and a Stilton cheese,
will you? And buy me a pair of reindeer gloves, number eights, and a
tie to match that new suit of mine, at Eale & Binman's. You can choose
the color. [His cheerful, careless, vigorous voice shows that he is
incorrigible].

LIZA [disdainfully] Buy them yourself. [She sweeps out].

MRS. HIGGINS. I'm afraid you've spoiled that girl, Henry. But never
mind, dear: I'll buy you the tie and gloves.

HIGGINS [sunnily] Oh, don't bother. She'll buy em all right enough.
Good-bye.

They kiss. Mrs. Higgins runs out. Higgins, left alone, rattles his cash
in his pocket; chuckles; and disports himself in a highly
self-satisfied manner.

                    ***********************

The rest of the story need not be shown in action, and indeed, would
hardly need telling if our imaginations were not so enfeebled by their
lazy dependence on the ready-makes and reach-me-downs of the ragshop in
which Romance keeps its stock of "happy endings" to misfit all stories.
Now, the history of Eliza Doolittle, though called a romance because of
the transfiguration it records seems exceedingly improbable, is common
enough. Such transfigurations have been achieved by hundreds of
resolutely ambitious young women since Nell Gwynne set them the example
by playing queens and fascinating kings in the theatre in which she
began by selling oranges. Nevertheless, people in all directions have
assumed, for no other reason than that she became the heroine of a
romance, that she must have married the hero of it. This is unbearable,
not only because her little drama, if acted on such a thoughtless
assumption, must be spoiled, but because the true sequel is patent to
anyone with a sense of human nature in general, and of feminine
instinct in particular.

Eliza, in telling Higgins she would not marry him if he asked her, was
not coquetting: she was announcing a well-considered decision. When a
bachelor interests, and dominates, and teaches, and becomes important
to a spinster, as Higgins with Eliza, she always, if she has character
enough to be capable of it, considers very seriously indeed whether she
will play for becoming that bachelor's wife, especially if he is so
little interested in marriage that a determined and devoted woman might
capture him if she set herself resolutely to do it. Her decision will
depend a good deal on whether she is really free to choose; and that,
again, will depend on her age and income. If she is at the end of her
youth, and has no security for her livelihood, she will marry him
because she must marry anybody who will provide for her. But at Eliza's
age a good-looking girl does not feel that pressure; she feels free to
pick and choose. She is therefore guided by her instinct in the matter.
Eliza's instinct tells her not to marry Higgins. It does not tell her
to give him up. It is not in the slightest doubt as to his remaining
one of the strongest personal interests in her life. It would be very
sorely strained if there was another woman likely to supplant her with
him. But as she feels sure of him on that last point, she has no doubt
at all as to her course, and would not have any, even if the difference
of twenty years in age, which seems so great to youth, did not exist
between them.

As our own instincts are not appealed to by her conclusion, let us see
whether we cannot discover some reason in it. When Higgins excused his
indifference to young women on the ground that they had an irresistible
rival in his mother, he gave the clue to his inveterate
old-bachelordom. The case is uncommon only to the extent that
remarkable mothers are uncommon. If an imaginative boy has a
sufficiently rich mother who has intelligence, personal grace, dignity
of character without harshness, and a cultivated sense of the best art
of her time to enable her to make her house beautiful, she sets a
standard for him against which very few women can struggle, besides
effecting for him a disengagement of his affections, his sense of
beauty, and his idealism from his specifically sexual impulses. This
makes him a standing puzzle to the huge number of uncultivated people
who have been brought up in tasteless homes by commonplace or
disagreeable parents, and to whom, consequently, literature, painting,
sculpture, music, and affectionate personal relations come as modes of
sex if they come at all. The word passion means nothing else to them;
and that Higgins could have a passion for phonetics and idealize his
mother instead of Eliza, would seem to them absurd and unnatural.
Nevertheless, when we look round and see that hardly anyone is too ugly
or disagreeable to find a wife or a husband if he or she wants one,
whilst many old maids and bachelors are above the average in quality
and culture, we cannot help suspecting that the disentanglement of sex
from the associations with which it is so commonly confused, a
disentanglement which persons of genius achieve by sheer intellectual
analysis, is sometimes produced or aided by parental fascination.

Now, though Eliza was incapable of thus explaining to herself Higgins's
formidable powers of resistance to the charm that prostrated Freddy at
the first glance, she was instinctively aware that she could never
obtain a complete grip of him, or come between him and his mother (the
first necessity of the married woman). To put it shortly, she knew that
for some mysterious reason he had not the makings of a married man in
him, according to her conception of a husband as one to whom she would
be his nearest and fondest and warmest interest. Even had there been no
mother-rival, she would still have refused to accept an interest in
herself that was secondary to philosophic interests. Had Mrs. Higgins
died, there would still have been Milton and the Universal Alphabet.
Landor's remark that to those who have the greatest power of loving,
love is a secondary affair, would not have recommended Landor to Eliza.
Put that along with her resentment of Higgins's domineering
superiority, and her mistrust of his coaxing cleverness in getting
round her and evading her wrath when he had gone too far with his
impetuous bullying, and you will see that Eliza's instinct had good
grounds for warning her not to marry her Pygmalion.

And now, whom did Eliza marry? For if Higgins was a predestinate old
bachelor, she was most certainly not a predestinate old maid. Well,
that can be told very shortly to those who have not guessed it from the
indications she has herself given them.

Almost immediately after Eliza is stung into proclaiming her considered
determination not to marry Higgins, she mentions the fact that young
Mr. Frederick Eynsford Hill is pouring out his love for her daily
through the post. Now Freddy is young, practically twenty years younger
than Higgins: he is a gentleman (or, as Eliza would qualify him, a
toff), and speaks like one; he is nicely dressed, is treated by the
Colonel as an equal, loves her unaffectedly, and is not her master, nor
ever likely to dominate her in spite of his advantage of social
standing. Eliza has no use for the foolish romantic tradition that all
women love to be mastered, if not actually bullied and beaten. "When
you go to women," says Nietzsche, "take your whip with you." Sensible
despots have never confined that precaution to women: they have taken
their whips with them when they have dealt with men, and been slavishly
idealized by the men over whom they have flourished the whip much more
than by women. No doubt there are slavish women as well as slavish men;
and women, like men, admire those that are stronger than themselves.
But to admire a strong person and to live under that strong person's
thumb are two different things. The weak may not be admired and
hero-worshipped; but they are by no means disliked or shunned; and they
never seem to have the least difficulty in marrying people who are too
good for them. They may fail in emergencies; but life is not one long
emergency: it is mostly a string of situations for which no exceptional
strength is needed, and with which even rather weak people can cope if
they have a stronger partner to help them out. Accordingly, it is a
truth everywhere in evidence that strong people, masculine or feminine,
not only do not marry stronger people, but do not show any preference
for them in selecting their friends. When a lion meets another with a
louder roar "the first lion thinks the last a bore." The man or woman
who feels strong enough for two, seeks for every other quality in a
partner than strength.

The converse is also true. Weak people want to marry strong people who
do not frighten them too much; and this often leads them to make the
mistake we describe metaphorically as "biting off more than they can
chew." They want too much for too little; and when the bargain is
unreasonable beyond all bearing, the union becomes impossible: it ends
in the weaker party being either discarded or borne as a cross, which
is worse. People who are not only weak, but silly or obtuse as well,
are often in these difficulties.

This being the state of human affairs, what is Eliza fairly sure to do
when she is placed between Freddy and Higgins? Will she look forward to
a lifetime of fetching Higgins's slippers or to a lifetime of Freddy
fetching hers? There can be no doubt about the answer. Unless Freddy is
biologically repulsive to her, and Higgins biologically attractive to a
degree that overwhelms all her other instincts, she will, if she
marries either of them, marry Freddy.

And that is just what Eliza did.

Complications ensued; but they were economic, not romantic. Freddy had
no money and no occupation. His mother's jointure, a last relic of the
opulence of Largelady Park, had enabled her to struggle along in
Earlscourt with an air of gentility, but not to procure any serious
secondary education for her children, much less give the boy a
profession. A clerkship at thirty shillings a week was beneath Freddy's
dignity, and extremely distasteful to him besides. His prospects
consisted of a hope that if he kept up appearances somebody would do
something for him. The something appeared vaguely to his imagination as
a private secretaryship or a sinecure of some sort. To his mother it
perhaps appeared as a marriage to some lady of means who could not
resist her boy's niceness. Fancy her feelings when he married a flower
girl who had become declassee under extraordinary circumstances which
were now notorious!

It is true that Eliza's situation did not seem wholly ineligible. Her
father, though formerly a dustman, and now fantastically disclassed,
had become extremely popular in the smartest society by a social talent
which triumphed over every prejudice and every disadvantage. Rejected
by the middle class, which he loathed, he had shot up at once into the
highest circles by his wit, his dustmanship (which he carried like a
banner), and his Nietzschean transcendence of good and evil. At
intimate ducal dinners he sat on the right hand of the Duchess; and in
country houses he smoked in the pantry and was made much of by the
butler when he was not feeding in the dining-room and being consulted
by cabinet ministers. But he found it almost as hard to do all this on
four thousand a year as Mrs. Eynsford Hill to live in Earlscourt on an
income so pitiably smaller that I have not the heart to disclose its
exact figure. He absolutely refused to add the last straw to his burden
by contributing to Eliza's support.

Thus Freddy and Eliza, now Mr. and Mrs. Eynsford Hill, would have spent
a penniless honeymoon but for a wedding present of 500 pounds from the
Colonel to Eliza. It lasted a long time because Freddy did not know how
to spend money, never having had any to spend, and Eliza, socially
trained by a pair of old bachelors, wore her clothes as long as they
held together and looked pretty, without the least regard to their
being many months out of fashion. Still, 500 pounds will not last two
young people for ever; and they both knew, and Eliza felt as well, that
they must shift for themselves in the end. She could quarter herself on
Wimpole Street because it had come to be her home; but she was quite
aware that she ought not to quarter Freddy there, and that it would not
be good for his character if she did.

Not that the Wimpole Street bachelors objected. When she consulted
them, Higgins declined to be bothered about her housing problem when
that solution was so simple. Eliza's desire to have Freddy in the house
with her seemed of no more importance than if she had wanted an extra
piece of bedroom furniture. Pleas as to Freddy's character, and the
moral obligation on him to earn his own living, were lost on Higgins.
He denied that Freddy had any character, and declared that if he tried
to do any useful work some competent person would have the trouble of
undoing it: a procedure involving a net loss to the community, and
great unhappiness to Freddy himself, who was obviously intended by
Nature for such light work as amusing Eliza, which, Higgins declared,
was a much more useful and honorable occupation than working in the
city. When Eliza referred again to her project of teaching phonetics,
Higgins abated not a jot of his violent opposition to it. He said she
was not within ten years of being qualified to meddle with his pet
subject; and as it was evident that the Colonel agreed with him, she
felt she could not go against them in this grave matter, and that she
had no right, without Higgins's consent, to exploit the knowledge he
had given her; for his knowledge seemed to her as much his private
property as his watch: Eliza was no communist. Besides, she was
superstitiously devoted to them both, more entirely and frankly after
her marriage than before it.

It was the Colonel who finally solved the problem, which had cost him
much perplexed cogitation. He one day asked Eliza, rather shyly,
whether she had quite given up her notion of keeping a flower shop. She
replied that she had thought of it, but had put it out of her head,
because the Colonel had said, that day at Mrs. Higgins's, that it would
never do. The Colonel confessed that when he said that, he had not
quite recovered from the dazzling impression of the day before. They
broke the matter to Higgins that evening. The sole comment vouchsafed
by him very nearly led to a serious quarrel with Eliza. It was to the
effect that she would have in Freddy an ideal errand boy.

Freddy himself was next sounded on the subject. He said he had been
thinking of a shop himself; though it had presented itself to his
pennilessness as a small place in which Eliza should sell tobacco at
one counter whilst he sold newspapers at the opposite one. But he
agreed that it would be extraordinarily jolly to go early every morning
with Eliza to Covent Garden and buy flowers on the scene of their first
meeting: a sentiment which earned him many kisses from his wife. He
added that he had always been afraid to propose anything of the sort,
because Clara would make an awful row about a step that must damage her
matrimonial chances, and his mother could not be expected to like it
after clinging for so many years to that step of the social ladder on
which retail trade is impossible.

This difficulty was removed by an event highly unexpected by Freddy's
mother. Clara, in the course of her incursions into those artistic
circles which were the highest within her reach, discovered that her
conversational qualifications were expected to include a grounding in
the novels of Mr. H.G. Wells. She borrowed them in various directions
so energetically that she swallowed them all within two months. The
result was a conversion of a kind quite common today. A modern Acts of
the Apostles would fill fifty whole Bibles if anyone were capable of
writing it.

Poor Clara, who appeared to Higgins and his mother as a disagreeable
and ridiculous person, and to her own mother as in some inexplicable
way a social failure, had never seen herself in either light; for,
though to some extent ridiculed and mimicked in West Kensington like
everybody else there, she was accepted as a rational and normal--or
shall we say inevitable?--sort of human being. At worst they called her
The Pusher; but to them no more than to herself had it ever occurred
that she was pushing the air, and pushing it in a wrong direction.
Still, she was not happy. She was growing desperate. Her one asset, the
fact that her mother was what the Epsom greengrocer called a carriage
lady had no exchange value, apparently. It had prevented her from
getting educated, because the only education she could have afforded
was education with the Earlscourt green grocer's daughter. It had led
her to seek the society of her mother's class; and that class simply
would not have her, because she was much poorer than the greengrocer,
and, far from being able to afford a maid, could not afford even a
housemaid, and had to scrape along at home with an illiberally treated
general servant. Under such circumstances nothing could give her an air
of being a genuine product of Largelady Park. And yet its tradition
made her regard a marriage with anyone within her reach as an
unbearable humiliation. Commercial people and professional people in a
small way were odious to her. She ran after painters and novelists; but
she did not charm them; and her bold attempts to pick up and practise
artistic and literary talk irritated them. She was, in short, an utter
failure, an ignorant, incompetent, pretentious, unwelcome, penniless,
useless little snob; and though she did not admit these
disqualifications (for nobody ever faces unpleasant truths of this kind
until the possibility of a way out dawns on them) she felt their
effects too keenly to be satisfied with her position.

Clara had a startling eyeopener when, on being suddenly wakened to
enthusiasm by a girl of her own age who dazzled her and produced in her
a gushing desire to take her for a model, and gain her friendship, she
discovered that this exquisite apparition had graduated from the gutter
in a few months' time. It shook her so violently, that when Mr. H. G.
Wells lifted her on the point of his puissant pen, and placed her at
the angle of view from which the life she was leading and the society
to which she clung appeared in its true relation to real human needs
and worthy social structure, he effected a conversion and a conviction
of sin comparable to the most sensational feats of General Booth or
Gypsy Smith. Clara's snobbery went bang. Life suddenly began to move
with her. Without knowing how or why, she began to make friends and
enemies. Some of the acquaintances to whom she had been a tedious or
indifferent or ridiculous affliction, dropped her: others became
cordial. To her amazement she found that some "quite nice" people were
saturated with Wells, and that this accessibility to ideas was the
secret of their niceness. People she had thought deeply religious, and
had tried to conciliate on that tack with disastrous results, suddenly
took an interest in her, and revealed a hostility to conventional
religion which she had never conceived possible except among the most
desperate characters. They made her read Galsworthy; and Galsworthy
exposed the vanity of Largelady Park and finished her. It exasperated
her to think that the dungeon in which she had languished for so many
unhappy years had been unlocked all the time, and that the impulses she
had so carefully struggled with and stifled for the sake of keeping
well with society, were precisely those by which alone she could have
come into any sort of sincere human contact. In the radiance of these
discoveries, and the tumult of their reaction, she made a fool of
herself as freely and conspicuously as when she so rashly adopted
Eliza's expletive in Mrs. Higgins's drawing-room; for the new-born
Wellsian had to find her bearings almost as ridiculously as a baby; but
nobody hates a baby for its ineptitudes, or thinks the worse of it for
trying to eat the matches; and Clara lost no friends by her follies.
They laughed at her to her face this time; and she had to defend
herself and fight it out as best she could.

When Freddy paid a visit to Earlscourt (which he never did when he
could possibly help it) to make the desolating announcement that he and
his Eliza were thinking of blackening the Largelady scutcheon by
opening a shop, he found the little household already convulsed by a
prior announcement from Clara that she also was going to work in an old
furniture shop in Dover Street, which had been started by a fellow
Wellsian. This appointment Clara owed, after all, to her old social
accomplishment of Push. She had made up her mind that, cost what it
might, she would see Mr. Wells in the flesh; and she had achieved her
end at a garden party. She had better luck than so rash an enterprise
deserved. Mr. Wells came up to her expectations. Age had not withered
him, nor could custom stale his infinite variety in half an hour. His
pleasant neatness and compactness, his small hands and feet, his
teeming ready brain, his unaffected accessibility, and a certain fine
apprehensiveness which stamped him as susceptible from his topmost hair
to his tipmost toe, proved irresistible. Clara talked of nothing else
for weeks and weeks afterwards. And as she happened to talk to the lady
of the furniture shop, and that lady also desired above all things to
know Mr. Wells and sell pretty things to him, she offered Clara a job
on the chance of achieving that end through her.

And so it came about that Eliza's luck held, and the expected
opposition to the flower shop melted away. The shop is in the arcade of
a railway station not very far from the Victoria and Albert Museum; and
if you live in that neighborhood you may go there any day and buy a
buttonhole from Eliza.

Now here is a last opportunity for romance. Would you not like to be
assured that the shop was an immense success, thanks to Eliza's charms
and her early business experience in Covent Garden? Alas! the truth is
the truth: the shop did not pay for a long time, simply because Eliza
and her Freddy did not know how to keep it. True, Eliza had not to
begin at the very beginning: she knew the names and prices of the
cheaper flowers; and her elation was unbounded when she found that
Freddy, like all youths educated at cheap, pretentious, and thoroughly
inefficient schools, knew a little Latin. It was very little, but
enough to make him appear to her a Porson or Bentley, and to put him at
his ease with botanical nomenclature. Unfortunately he knew nothing
else; and Eliza, though she could count money up to eighteen shillings
or so, and had acquired a certain familiarity with the language of
Milton from her struggles to qualify herself for winning Higgins's bet,
could not write out a bill without utterly disgracing the
establishment. Freddy's power of stating in Latin that Balbus built a
wall and that Gaul was divided into three parts did not carry with it
the slightest knowledge of accounts or business: Colonel Pickering had
to explain to him what a cheque book and a bank account meant. And the
pair were by no means easily teachable. Freddy backed up Eliza in her
obstinate refusal to believe that they could save money by engaging a
bookkeeper with some knowledge of the business. How, they argued, could
you possibly save money by going to extra expense when you already
could not make both ends meet? But the Colonel, after making the ends
meet over and over again, at last gently insisted; and Eliza, humbled
to the dust by having to beg from him so often, and stung by the
uproarious derision of Higgins, to whom the notion of Freddy succeeding
at anything was a joke that never palled, grasped the fact that
business, like phonetics, has to be learned.

On the piteous spectacle of the pair spending their evenings in
shorthand schools and polytechnic classes, learning bookkeeping and
typewriting with incipient junior clerks, male and female, from the
elementary schools, let me not dwell. There were even classes at the
London School of Economics, and a humble personal appeal to the
director of that institution to recommend a course bearing on the
flower business. He, being a humorist, explained to them the method of
the celebrated Dickensian essay on Chinese Metaphysics by the gentleman
who read an article on China and an article on Metaphysics and combined
the information. He suggested that they should combine the London
School with Kew Gardens. Eliza, to whom the procedure of the Dickensian
gentleman seemed perfectly correct (as in fact it was) and not in the
least funny (which was only her ignorance) took his advice with entire
gravity. But the effort that cost her the deepest humiliation was a
request to Higgins, whose pet artistic fancy, next to Milton's verse,
was calligraphy, and who himself wrote a most beautiful Italian hand,
that he would teach her to write. He declared that she was congenitally
incapable of forming a single letter worthy of the least of Milton's
words; but she persisted; and again he suddenly threw himself into the
task of teaching her with a combination of stormy intensity,
concentrated patience, and occasional bursts of interesting
disquisition on the beauty and nobility, the august mission and
destiny, of human handwriting. Eliza ended by acquiring an extremely
uncommercial script which was a positive extension of her personal
beauty, and spending three times as much on stationery as anyone else
because certain qualities and shapes of paper became indispensable to
her. She could not even address an envelope in the usual way because it
made the margins all wrong.

Their commercial school days were a period of disgrace and despair for
the young couple. They seemed to be learning nothing about flower
shops. At last they gave it up as hopeless, and shook the dust of the
shorthand schools, and the polytechnics, and the London School of
Economics from their feet for ever. Besides, the business was in some
mysterious way beginning to take care of itself. They had somehow
forgotten their objections to employing other people. They came to the
conclusion that their own way was the best, and that they had really a
remarkable talent for business. The Colonel, who had been compelled for
some years to keep a sufficient sum on current account at his bankers
to make up their deficits, found that the provision was unnecessary:
the young people were prospering. It is true that there was not quite
fair play between them and their competitors in trade. Their week-ends
in the country cost them nothing, and saved them the price of their
Sunday dinners; for the motor car was the Colonel's; and he and Higgins
paid the hotel bills. Mr. F. Hill, florist and greengrocer (they soon
discovered that there was money in asparagus; and asparagus led to
other vegetables), had an air which stamped the business as classy; and
in private life he was still Frederick Eynsford Hill, Esquire. Not that
there was any swank about him: nobody but Eliza knew that he had been
christened Frederick Challoner. Eliza herself swanked like anything.

That is all. That is how it has turned out. It is astonishing how much
Eliza still manages to meddle in the housekeeping at Wimpole Street in
spite of the shop and her own family. And it is notable that though she
never nags her husband, and frankly loves the Colonel as if she were
his favorite daughter, she has never got out of the habit of nagging
Higgins that was established on the fatal night when she won his bet
for him. She snaps his head off on the faintest provocation, or on
none. He no longer dares to tease her by assuming an abysmal
inferiority of Freddy's mind to his own. He storms and bullies and
derides; but she stands up to him so ruthlessly that the Colonel has to
ask her from time to time to be kinder to Higgins; and it is the only
request of his that brings a mulish expression into her face. Nothing
but some emergency or calamity great enough to break down all likes and
dislikes, and throw them both back on their common humanity--and may
they be spared any such trial!--will ever alter this. She knows that
Higgins does not need her, just as her father did not need her. The
very scrupulousness with which he told her that day that he had become
used to having her there, and dependent on her for all sorts of little
services, and that he should miss her if she went away (it would never
have occurred to Freddy or the Colonel to say anything of the sort)
deepens her inner certainty that she is "no more to him than them
slippers", yet she has a sense, too, that his indifference is deeper
than the infatuation of commoner souls. She is immensely interested in
him. She has even secret mischievous moments in which she wishes she
could get him alone, on a desert island, away from all ties and with
nobody else in the world to consider, and just drag him off his
pedestal and see him making love like any common man. We all have
private imaginations of that sort. But when it comes to business, to
the life that she really leads as distinguished from the life of dreams
and fancies, she likes Freddy and she likes the Colonel; and she does
not like Higgins and Mr. Doolittle. Galatea never does quite like
Pygmalion: his relation to her is too godlike to be altogether
agreeable.





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