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Title: Memoirs of Miss Sidney Biddulph - Extracted from her own Journal, and now first published
Author: Sheridan, Frances
Language: English
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Transcriber's Note
This version on the text cannot represent all the typographical features
of the original. Text which was printed in italic is indicated by '_'
delimiters as _italic_. Bold text is rendered using '=' as =bold=. The
'oe' ligature appears, in the word 'oeconomy' or 'oeconomist', both as
separate letters and in its ligature form. Here, all instances are
rendered using the separate 'oe'.
The edition from which this text is derived contained a number of
printer's errors, based on a comparison with a contemporary edition.
These have been corrected.
The more detailed note at the end of this text provides an account of
any changes made.
MEMOIRS OF
MISS SIDNEY
BIDULPH
Extracted from
her own Journal, and now
first published
FRANCES SHERIDAN
The Editor of the following sheets takes this opportunity of
paying the tribute due to exemplary Goodness and distinguished
Genius, when found united in One Person, by inscribing these
Memoirs to
THE AUTHOR
OF
CLARISSA
AND
Sir CHARLES GRANDISON
CONTENTS
=Volume I= (1)
The Editor's Introduction (3)
Memoirs of Miss Sidney Bidulph (9)
The Journal (11)
=Volume II= (141)
=Volume III= (287)
Cecilia's Narrative &c. being a Supplement to
Mrs. Arnold's Journal (423)
VOLUME I
THE EDITOR'S INTRODUCTION
I was invited to pass a month last summer in Buckinghamshire by a
friend, who paid annually a visit to his mother: a lady pretty far
advanced in years, but extremely chearful, sensible, and well-bred.
She lived altogether in the country, in a good old fashioned house,
which was part of her jointure; and it was to this hospitable mansion he
carried me.
The lady received me very politely, as her son's friend; and I have
great reason to be obliged to him for the introduction.
My friend and I generally dedicated our evenings to the entertainment of
this obliging Lady. She loved reading, and was a woman of an excellent
taste; but as her years rendered that employment not so easy to her as
it had been, her son and myself usually spared her the task, and read to
her such authors as she chose for her entertainment; nor was she so
confined to particular studies, as not to allow us to vary our subjects
as inclination led us.
It happened one evening, which was on the eve of the day appointed for
our departure, that we had made choice of the tragedy of Douglas for our
entertainment, when a neighbouring lady (a sensible woman) who had drank
tea with us, desired to make one of our auditors.
After the tea-table was removed, we entered on our task; my friend and I
reading alternately, to relieve each other, that we might not injure the
performance by a wearied or flat delivery.
Neither of the ladies had ever seen or read this play before; and both
gave that true testimony of nature to its merit, tears.
When we had finished the reading of it, they each in her turn bestowed
high praises on it; but the visitor lady said, that notwithstanding the
pleasure it had afforded her upon the whole, she had one great
objection to it. We were all impatient to know what it was. I think said
she, that the moral which it inculcates is a discouraging lesson,
especially to youth; for the blooming hero of this story, though adorned
with the highest virtues of humanity, truth, modesty, gratitude, filial
piety, nobleness of mind, and valour in the most eminent degree, is not
only buried in obscurity, by a severe destiny, till he arrives at
manhood, but when he emerges into light, is suddenly cut off by an
untimely death, and that at a juncture too, when we might (morally
speaking) say his virtues _ought_ to have been rewarded.
We each spoke our thoughts on the subject, as opinion led us, when the
old lady drew our attention, which she always does, whenever she
delivers her sentiments.
I should think as you do, madam, said she, if there were not too many
melancholy precedents to give a sanction to the fable of that tragedy. I
do not say but that the poet, who is at liberty to dispose as he pleases
of the works of his own creation, may as well reward and punish
according to the measures of justice in this life; it might perhaps make
a better impression, and indeed afford a more prevalent example, to the
generality of young people. I say therefore, I do not take upon me to
defend an opposite conduct upon principles of poetic justice, but surely
the poet who prefers that course, may be justified in it from every
day's experience. If we always saw virtuous people successful in their
pursuits, and their days crowned with prosperity, there would be more
force in your objection; but the direct contrary is a truth, which every
body who has lived but a moderate number of years, must have been
convinced of from their own observation. Amongst heathens indeed, who
looked no farther than _this_ life for good and evil, and whose only
incitement to virtue was the praise of men, or what _they_ called glory,
such morals might be dangerous; but surely amongst us Christians they
_cannot_, at least _ought_ not to have any ill effect.
On the contrary, I think it should serve to confirm that great lesson
which we are all taught indeed, but which we seldom think of reducing to
practice, _viz._ to use the good things of this life with that
indifference, which things that are neither permanent in their own
nature, nor of any estimation in the fight of God, deserve.
On the other hand, to consider the evils which befall us, as equally
temporary, and no more dispensed by the great ruler of all things for
punishments, than the others are for rewards; and by thus estimating
both, to look forward for an equal distribution of justice, to that
place only, where (let our station be what it will) our lot is to be
unchangeable. It is in this light that I was instructed in my early days
to consider the various portions that fall to the share of mankind;
which very often, as far as we can see, appear extremely partial; and no
doubt would really be so, were there not an invisible world where the
distributions are just and equal. From this reflection I have drawn
comfort in many trying incidents of my life; but in none more than the
unhappy fate of a lady, who was my particular friend; and who, tho' a
woman of most exemplary virtue, was, thro' the course of her whole life,
persecuted by a variety of strange misfortunes. This lady, to use your
expression, madam (addressing her friend), to all human appearance,
_ought_ at last to have been rewarded even here--but her portion was
affliction. What then are we to conclude? but, that God does not
estimate things as we do. It is ignorant, as well as sinful, to arraign
his providence. We daily see its dispensations with our own eyes, in the
various accidents of life. Why should we not then allow the poet to copy
from life, and exhibit to our view events, the probability of which are
founded on general experience?
We are indeed so much used to what they call poetical justice, that we
are disappointed in the catastrophe of a fable, if every body concerned
in it be not disposed of according to the sentence of that judge which
we have set up in our own breasts.
The contrary we know happens in real life; let us not then condemn what
is drawn from real life.--We may wish to see nature copied from her more
pleasing works; but a martyr expiring in tortures, is as just, though
not as agreeable, a representation of her, as a hero rewarded with the
brightest honours.
We agreed with the venerable lady in her observations; and her son
taking occasion from her mentioning that unfortunate person, who was her
friend, told her, he would take it as a particular favour, if she would
oblige me with the sight of that lady's story.
She answered, that as we had fixed up the next day for our departure,
there would not be time for me to peruse it, but that she would entrust
me with it to take it to town, that I might read it at my leisure. It is
drawn up, said she, for the most part, by the lady herself, and the
occasion of its being so was this. She and I had been intimate from our
childhood; we were play-fellows when young, and constant companions as
we grew up. We always called each other sister, and loved as well as if
we had really borne that relationship to each other. It was our
continual practice from children to keep little journals of what daily
happened to us; these, in all our short absences, were matter of great
entertainment to us; we constantly communicated them when we met, or if
we chanced to be separated by any distance, we made a mutual exchange by
the post of our little diurnal registers, having made each a solemn
promise, not to conceal an incident, or even a thought, of the least
moment, from the other; and this promise I believe was religiously kept
up during a correspondence of many years.
I had a brother about three years older than myself; a very promising
young man. He was an only son, and the darling of his parents: when he
had finished his studies, my father thought of sending him abroad, but
his fondness for him made him resolve to accompany him himself.
A better tutor or a better guide he could not have found for him; my
father was then in the prime of life, he had no other children but him
and me. My mother, as fond of me as he was of his son, and perfectly
affectionate to my father, expressed her wish to let both her and me be
of his party. She said, she thought a young lady, under proper conduct,
might improve as much by seeing foreign courts, and the various customs
of different nations, as a young gentleman.
I was then about sixteen: my father readily consented, as he perfectly
loved my mother; and we all four set out on our tour together. It was my
lot, after I had been some time abroad, to marry an English gentleman,
then resident at Vienna; this occasioned my continuing there some years,
and it was during that space of time that I had the occurrences of my
friend's life from her own hand. As she had kept up to the method we had
agreed on of communicating every thing that happened, even to trivial
matters, it generally encreased the bulk of the packets I used to
receive from her to a prodigious size: these she sent off occasionally,
at nearer or more distant periods of time, according as I gave her the
opportunity, by letting her know our motions.
I have from those selected the most material parts of her history, and
connected them so as to make one continued narrative.
There were long intervals of time between many of the most important
incidents of her life; but as the passages which intervened were either
foreign to the main scope of her story, or too trivial to be recorded,
in copying her papers they were omitted.
I have myself prefixed to her story a very brief account of the lady's
family.
Thus much, Sir, added the good lady, I thought necessary to premise to
you, for your better understanding her history, which I have never yet
shewn to any body but my son.
When I took my leave, she put the manuscript into my hands, with a
charge to be careful of it.
We returned to town, and in less than three weeks I had the
mortification to hear that this respectable old Lady, by whom I had been
entertained with so much friendship and politeness, was dead. Her son
(my friend) was on this occasion obliged to go down into
Buckinghamshire; it was some months before I saw him again, as he had a
good deal of family business to settle.
When he came back to London, I offered to return him the manuscript,
which he had quite forgot. He told me, as he had all the original
papers, _that_ copy was at my service.
I then expressed my wish that it were made public. To this he at first
objected, as he said there were several persons living, related to the
parties concerned in some of the principal events of the story, who
might take umbrage at it. I told him, that this might easily be
obviated, by changing the names both of persons and places, which I
would undertake to do throughout the whole; and I was afterwards so
urgent with him to comply with my request, that he at last yielded. With
his consent therefore I give it to the world, just as I received it,
without any alteration, excepting the proposed one of a change of
names.
MEMOIRS OF MISS SIDNEY BIDULPH
Mrs Catharine Sidney Bidulph, was the daughter of Sir Robert Bidulph of
Wiltshire. Her father died when she was very young; and of ten children
none survived him but this lady, and his eldest son, afterwards Sir
George Bidulph. The family estate was not very considerable; and Miss
Bidulph's portion was but four thousand pounds; a fortune however at
that time but quite contemptible: it was in the beginning of queen Ann's
reign.
Lady Bidulph was a woman of plain sense, but exemplary piety; the
strictness of her notions (highly commendable in themselves) now and
then gave a tincture of severity to her actions, though she was ever
esteemed a truly good woman.
She had educated her daughter, who was one of the greatest beauties of
her time, in the strictest principles of virtue; from which she never
deviated, through the course of an innocent, though unhappy life.
Sir George Bidulph was nine or ten years older than his sister. He was a
man of a good understanding, moral as to his general conduct, but void
of any of those refined sentiments, which constitute what is called
_delicacy_. Pride is sometimes accounted laudable; that which Sir George
possessed (for he had pride) was not of this kind.
He was of a weakly constitution, and had been ordered by the physicians
to Spa for the recovery of a lingering disorder, which he had laboured
under for some time. It was just on his return to England that the busy
scene of his sister's life opened. An intimate friend of hers, of her
own sex, to whom she revealed all the secrets of her heart, happened at
this juncture to go abroad, and it was for her perusal only the
following journal was intended. That friend has carefully preserved it,
as she thinks it may serve for an example to prove, that neither
prudence, foresight, nor even the best disposition that the human heart
is capable of, are of themselves sufficient to defend us against the
inevitable ills that sometimes are allotted, even to the best. 'The race
is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong.'
THE JOURNAL
_April 2, 1703_
My dear and ever-beloved Cecilia is now on her way to Harwich. How
insipid will this task of recording all the little incidents of the day
now appear to me, when you, my sister, friend of my heart, are no longer
near me? how many tedious months will it be before I again embrace you?
how many days of impatience must I suffer before I can even hear from
you, or communicate to you the actions, the words, the thoughts of your
Sidney?--But let me not grow plaintive, the stile my friend hates--I
should be ungrateful (if I indulged it) to the best of mothers, who, to
gratify and amuse me on this first occasion of sorrow which I ever
experienced, has been induced to quit her beloved retirement, and come
on purpose to London, to rouze up my spirits, and, as she expresses
herself, to keep me from the sin of murmuring.
Avaunt then complainings! Let me rest assured that my Cecilia is happy
in her pursuits, and let me resolve on making myself so in mind.
_April 3_
We have had a letter from my brother George; he is landed, and we expect
him hourly in town. As our house is large enough, I hope he will consent
to take up his quarters with us while we stay in London. My mother
intends to request it of him: she says it will be for the _reputation_
of a gay young man to live in a _sober_ family. I know not how Sir
George may relish the proposal, as our hours are not likely to
correspond with those which I suppose he has been used to since he has
been absent from us. But perhaps he may not refuse the compliment; Sir
George is not averse to oeconomy.--How kind, how indulgent, is this
worthy Parent of mine! she will not suffer me to stay at home with her,
nay scarce allows me time for my journal. 'Sidney I won't have you stay
within; I won't have you write; I won't have you think--I will make a
rake of you; you shall go to the play to-night, and I am almost tempted
to go with you myself, though I have not been at one since your father's
death.'--These were her kind expressions to me just now.--I am indeed
indebted to her tenderness, when she relaxes so much of her usual
strictness, as even to _think_ of such a thing.
_April 5_
My brother returned to us this day, thank God! in perfect health. Never
was there such an alteration seen in a man; he is grown fat, and looks
quite robust. He dropped in upon us just as we sat down to dinner: what
a clutter has his arrival made! my mother was _so_ rejoyced, and _so_
thankful, and _so_ full of praises, and asked _so_ many questions, that
George could hardly find words enough to answer the over-flowings of her
kind inquisitiveness, which lasted all dinner-time.
When the cloth was removed, my mother proposed his taking up his abode
with us: you see, said she, your sister and I have got here into a large
house; there is full room enough in it for you and your servants; and as
I think in such a town as this it will be a reputable place for you to
live in, I shall be glad of your company; provided you do not encroach
upon my rules by unreasonable hours, or receiving visits from such as I
may not approve of for the acquaintance of your sister. I was afraid Sir
George would disrelish the terms, as perhaps some of his acquaintance
(though far from faulty ones) might fall within my mother's predicament:
but I was mistaken, he accepted of the invitation, after making some
slight apologies about the inconvenience of having so many servants:
this however was soon got over.
To say the truth, I am very glad that my brother has consented to be our
guest, as I hope by his means our circle of acquaintance will be a good
deal enlarged. There is no pleasure in society, without a proper mixture
of well-bred sensible people of both sexes, and I have hitherto been
chiefly confined to those of my own.
I asked Sir George jocosely, what he had brought me home? He answered,
perhaps a good husband.--My mother catched up the word--What do you
mean, Son? I mean, madam, that there is come over with me a gentleman,
with whom I became acquainted in Germany, who, of all the men I ever
knew, I should wish to have for a brother. If Sidney should fortunately
be born under the influence of _uncommonly_ good stars, it may happen to
be brought about. I can tell you (applying himself to me) he is
prepossessed in your favour already; I have shewn him some of your
letters, and he thinks you a good sensible girl. I told him you were
very well in your person, and that you have had an excellent education.
I hope so, said my mother, looking pleased; and what have you to tell us
of this wonderful man that so much surpasses every body? Why, madam for
_your_ part of his character, he is the best _behaved_ young man I ever
saw. I never knew any body equal to him for sobriety, nor so intirely
free from all the other vices of youth: as I lived in the same house
with him for some months, I had frequent opportunities of making my
observations. I have known him to _avoid_ many irregularities, but never
saw him guilty of _one_.
An admirable character indeed said my mother. So thought I too; but I
wanted to know a little more of him. Now Sidney for your share in the
description; I must tell you he is most exquisitely handsome, and
extremely sensible.
Good sense to be sure is requisite, said my mother, but as for beauty it
is but a fading flower at best, and in a man not at all necessary--A man
is not the worse for it, however, cried my brother--No--my mother
answered, provided it does not make him vain, and too fond of the
admiration of giddy girls--That I will be sworn is not the case of my
friend, answered Sir George, I believe no body with such a person as his
(if there _can_ be such another) would be so little vain of it; nay, I
have heard him declare, that even in a woman he would give the
preference to sense and virtue.
Good young man! cried my mother, I should like to be acquainted with
him. (So should I, whispered I to my own heart).
Well brother, said I, you have drawn a good picture; but to make it
complete, you must throw in generosity, valour, sweetness of temper, and
a great deal of money--Fie my dear (said my good _literal_ parent) a
_great deal_ is not necessary; a very moderate fortune with _such_ a man
is sufficient.
The good qualities you require in the finishing of my piece, answered my
brother, he possesses in an eminent degree--will that satisfy you? As
for his fortune--_there_ perhaps a difficulty may step in--What estate
madam (to my mother) do you think my sister's fortune may intitle her
to?
Dear brother, I cried, pray do not speak in that _bargaining_ way.
My mother answered him very gravely, Your father you know left her but
four thousand pounds; it is in my power to add a _little_ to it, if she
marries to please me. Great matters we have no right to expect; but a
_very_ good girl, as my daughter is, I think, deserves something more
than a bare equivalent. The equality, said my brother, (with a demure
look) I fear is out of all proportion here, for the gentleman I speak of
has but--six thousand pounds a year.
He burst out a laughing; it was not good-natured, and I was vexed at his
joke. My poor mother dropped her countenance; I looked silly, as if I
had been disappointed, but I said nothing.
Then he is above our reach, Sidney, answered my mother.
I made no reply--Have a good heart Sid, cried my brother; if my
nonpareil likes you, when he sees you, (I felt myself hurt, and grow
red) and without a compliment sister (seeing me look mortified) I think
he will, fortune will be no objection. I have already told him the
utmost extent of your expectations; he would hardly let me mention the
subject; he has a mind for _my_ sister, and if he finds her personal
accomplishments answer a brother's (perhaps partial) description, it
will be your own fault if you have not the prettiest fellow in England
for your husband.
My mother reassumed her pleased countenance. Where is he? let us see
him? I forced a smile, though I did not feel myself quite satisfied--We
parted on the road, my brother answered; he is gone to Bath, for a few
weeks; he has sent his servants and his baggage to town before him, and
has commissioned me to take a house for him in St. James's Square, or
some of the adjacent streets; so that we shall have him in our
neighbourhood.
My mother enquired on what account he went to Bath. Sir George said, he
complained of a weakness in one of his wrists, which was the consequence
of a fever that had seized him on his journey, in their return to
England. It seems he had finished his travels, on which he had been
absent near five years, when my brother and he met in Germany. The
liking he took to Sir George protracted his stay, and he resolved not to
quit him while his health obliged him to continue abroad; they took a
trip to Paris together, and returned home by Holland.
The name of this piece of perfection is Faulkland, Orlando Faulkland.
What a pretty name Orlando is! My mother says it is romantic, and
wonders how _sober_ people can give their children such names.
Now am I dying with curiosity to see this man. A few weeks at Bath--what
business he had to go to Bath till he had first settled his household at
London? His wrist might have grown well without the pump. I am afraid he
is gone to Bath only to shew himself, and that he will be snapped up
before he comes to town. I wish Sir George had kept the account of him
to himself, till he returned to London again.
_April 7_
We have settled Sir George's oeconomy within doors: my mother has been
very busy all day in fixing trunks, portmanteaus, and boxes, in their
proper places; and in appropriating the rooms for his men, which she has
taken care shall be as remote from those of our servants as the house
will admit. She says, she knows our own domestics to be orderly and
regular, but she cannot answer for what other people's may be.
I begin to recover my spirits: my brother's arrival has given new life
to the family; my mother thinks, that in _his_ company, with a lady or
two, there will be no impropriety in suffering me to go, at least, half
a dozen times into public during the season, even without the sanction
of her presence--How kind, how considerate is this dear mother! I find
this was one (amongst others) of her principal reasons for wishing Sir
George to be with us, as it will save her from the necessity of going to
public diversions, which otherwise she would have done, rather than have
me debarred the pleasure of partaking of them, through the want of a
proper protector. Every day lays me under fresh obligations to her.
_April 20_
My brother has had another letter from Mr Faulkland. He has been but a
fortnight at Bath, and already has found benefit from the use of the
pump; I wish his wrist was quite well; I never was so impatient to see
any body--But, Sidney, have a care--this heart has never yet been
touch'd: this man is represented as a dangerous object. What an an
ill-fated Girl should I be, if I should fall in love with him, and he
should happen not to like me? Should _happen_, what a vain expression
was that? I would not for the world any one should see it but my
Cecilia.--Well, if he should not like me, what then? why, I will not
like him. I have a heart, not very susceptible of what we young women
call love; and in all likelihood I shall be as indifferent to him, as he
may be to me--Indeed I think I ought to resolve on not liking him; for
notwithstanding those fine out-lines of a character, which my brother
gave of him in the presence of my mother, I have since drawn out of Sir
George, who is always talking of him, some farther particulars, which do
not please me so well; for I think he is made up of contrarieties.
Nature, says Sir George, never formed a temper so gentle, so humane, so
benevolent as his; yet, when provoked, no tempest is more furious. You
would imagine him so humble, that he thinks every one superior to
himself; yet through this disguise have I discovered, at certain times,
a pride which makes him look down on all mankind. With a disposition
formed to relish, and a heart attached to the domestic pleasures of
life, he is of so enterprising a temper, that dangers and difficulties
rather encourage than dishearten him in the pursuit of a favourite
point. His ideas of love, honour, generosity, and gratitude, are so
refined, that no hero in romance ever went beyond him; of this I was
convinced from many little incidents which occurred in the course of my
acquaintance with him. The modesty and affability of his deportment
makes every body fancy, when he is in company with them, that he is
delighted with their conversation; nay, he often affects to be improved
and informed; yet there is a sly turn to ridicule in him, which, though
without the least tincture of ill-nature, makes him see and represent
things in a light, the very opposite of that in which you fansied he saw
them. With the nicest discernment, where he permits his judgment alone
to determine, let passion interfere, and a child can impose on him.
Though as I have already told you he is very handsome, he affects to
despise beauty in his own sex; yet is it easy to perceive, by the nice
care he takes in his dress (though the farthest in the world from a
fop), that he does not altogether disregard it in his own person.
Are not these faults? yes, surely they are; yet Sir George protests he
has none; or at least says, if these be such, they are so overbalanced
by his good qualities, that unless it be _you_ sister (flattering
creature! though that is seldom his failing) I don't know the woman that
deserves him. I did not thank him for the compliment he paid me, at the
expense of the rest of our poor sex.
_May 5_
A month is past since my brother arrived, and Mr Faulkland does not yet
talk of coming to town--If Sir George had drawn half such a flattering
picture of me to him, as he has done of him to me, his curiosity would
have brought him here sooner.--My mother has mentioned him several
times, and asked when he is to be in town? My brother has taken a very
handsome house for him in the Square. We are all in expectation of this
blazing star's making its appearance in London. If he stays much longer,
my patience will be so tired, that I shall not give a pinch of snuff to
see him.
_May 19_
Six weeks, and no news of Mr Faulkland's coming! I'll positively give
him but another week; I begin to think myself affronted by his stay.
_May 23_
Now, now, my Cecilia, I can gratify your curiosity at full: he is come
at last; Mr Faulkland, I mean; Orlando is come! we had a message from
him this morning, to enquire after all our healths; he was just arrived
at his house in the Square: Sir George flew to him directly, and said he
would bring him without ceremony to take a family dinner. My mother bid
him do so; and she held a quarter of an hour's conference with her cook.
She is always elegant and exact at her table; but we were more than
ordinarily so to-day. My brother brought Mr Faulkland a little before
dinner-time, and presented him to my mother and me, with that kind of
freedom that almost look'd as if he were already one of the family.
We had both been prepossessed highly in favour of his figure, a
circumstance that seldom is of advantage to persons on their first
appearance: but here it had not that effect: Sir George did not overrate
the personal accomplishments of his friend. Now you'll expect I should
describe him to you, perhaps, and paint this romantic hero in the
glowing colours of romantic exageration. But I'll disappoint you--and
tell you, that he is neither like an Adonis nor an Apollo--that he has
no hyacinthine curls flowing down his back; no eyes like suns, whose
brightness and majesty strike the beholders dumb; nor, in short, no rays
of divinity about him; yet he is the handsomest mortal man that I ever
saw.--I will not say that his voice is harmony itself, and that all the
loves and graces (for why should not there be male as well as female
graces?) attend on his motions; that Minerva presides over his lips, and
every feature has its attendant Cupid--But I will acknowlege that his
voice in speaking is inexpressibly pleasing (you know how I admire an
agreeable voice); that his air and motions are easy, genteel, and
graceful; his conversation sensible and polite, and without the least
tincture of affection, that thing, which of all others, would to _me_
destroy the charms of an angel.--In short, without hyperbole, that he
is, what every one must allow, a perfectly handsome and accomplished
young man.
I never saw my mother appear so pleased with any one. The polite freedom
of his address, the attention and deference he seemed to pay to her
sentiments (and the dear good woman talked more to him, I think, than
ever I heard her do to any one on so short an acquaintance), delighted
her beyond expression. I bore no great part in the conversation, but was
not, however, quite overlooked by Mr Faulkland. He referred to me in
discourse now and then, and seemed pleased with me; at least I fancy'd
so. My brother endeavoured to draw me out, as he said afterwards. The
intention was kind, but poor Sir George is not delicate enough in those
matters; I should have done better if he had let me alone. I thought of
the conversations we had so often had about Mr Faulkland, and could not
help considering myself like a piece of goods that was to be shewn to
the best advantage to the purchaser. This reflection threw a sort of
constraint over my behaviour, that (fool as I was) I had not courage
enough to shake off, and I did not acquit myself at all to my own mind.
I had, notwithstanding, the good fortune to please my mother infinitely.
She told me, after our visitor was gone, that my behaviour had been
_strictly_ proper; and blamed Sir George for his wanting to engage me
too often in conversation. You may assure yourself, son, she said, that
a man of Mr Faulkland's understanding will not like a young lady the
worse for her silence. She spoke enough to shew that it was not for want
of knowing what to say that she held her tongue. The man who does not
reckon a modest reserve amongst the chief recommendations of a woman,
should be no husband for Sidney. I am sure, when I married Sir Robert,
he had never heard me speak twenty sentences. Sir George agreed with her
as to the propriety of her observation, in regard to a modest reserve;
but said, people now a-days did not carry their ideas of it quite so far
as they did when his father's courtship began with her; and added, that
a young lady might _speak_ with as much modesty as she could hold her
tongue.
I did not interfere in the debate, only said, I was very glad to have
my mother's approbation of my conduct. This put an end to the argument,
and my mother launched out into high encomiums on Mr Faulkland. She
said, upon her _truth_, he was the finest young man she ever saw, in
every respect. So modest, so well bred, so very entertaining, and so
unassuming, with all his fine accomplishments: She was quite astonished,
and owned she almost despaired of finding a young gentleman, of the
present mode of education, so _very_ unexceptionable in his behaviour.
If his morals answered to his outward deportment--there she stopped; or
rather Sir George interrupted her. I hope you'll believe madam, that my
knowlege of mankind is not so circumscribed, but that I can distinguish
between a real and an assumed character; and I will venture to assert,
that, in the whole circle of my acquaintance, I do not know _one_ so
unobjectionable, even in your strict sense of the word _morals_, as Mr
Faulkland.
Well, said my mother, I have the pleasure to observe to you (and I think
I am seldom mistaken in my judgment), that Mr Faulkland is at least as
well pleased with Sidney as we are with him--What say you daughter? Ay,
what _say_ you sister? cry'd Sir George--I think madam, that Mr
Faulkland is an accomplished gentleman, and--'and that you could be
content to look no farther, if matters are brought to bear; eh, Sidney?'
(I need not tell you whose speech this was)--Brother, that is going a
little too far, for the first time of my seeing him. A great _deal_ too
far, my mother said; let us first know Mr Faulkland's mind from himself,
before we say a word more of the matter.
Sir George told us, that Mr Faulkland, at going away, had requested he
would sup with him at his own house, as he said he had a few visits of
form to pay, and should be at home early in the evening.
_May 24_
My mother and I were in bed before my brother came in last night, though
he keeps very good hours in general. When we met this morning at
breakfast, I saw by Sir George's face that he was brimful of
something--Faulkland don't like you, Sidney, said he, abruptly--How can
you or I help that, brother? cry'd I, colouring; tho', to tell you the
truth, I did not believe him; for I knew, if it _had_ been so, he would
not have come out with it so bluntly. But my mother, who always takes
every word she hears literally, took him up very short; 'If he does not,
Sir, it is not polite in you to tell your sister so; I hope Sidney may
be _liked_ by as good a man as Mr Faulkland,' and up she tossed her dear
honest head. Sir George burst out a laughing. My mother looked angry;
she was afraid her sagacity would be call'd in question, after what she
had pronounced the evening before. I looked silly, but pretended to
smile. Sir George was clown enough to laugh on; at last (to my mother)
'But my dear madam, can you believe me serious in what I said? have you
so good an opinion of my veracity, or so ill a one of my breeding, as to
suppose I would shock my sister by such a rude declaration, if I meant
any thing by it but a joke?' Indeed, Sidney, (looking half smiling to
me) I would not be as much in love with our sovereign lady the queen, as
poor Faulkland is with you, for my whole estate.
This put me a great deal more out of countenance than what he had said
at first. Nay, brother, now you are too extravagant the other way--My
mother looked surprized, but recovered her good humour presently--Dear
George, there is no knowing when you are in earnest and when not: but,
as Sidney says, now you are rather too extravagant. You might say so to
Faulkland, answered my brother, if you were to hear him; I could get
nothing from him the whole night but your praises. I thought, said my
pleased mother, he had not _disliked_ the girl--Now you see, son, her
_silence_ did her no harm; and she smiled tenderly at me. Come, said Sir
George, things are mighty well on all sides. Faulkland has begged of me,
that I would use my interest with you, mother (whom he thinks one of the
best of women), that he may be permitted in form to make his addresses
to Miss Bidulph. _My_ interest he knows he has, and I hope, madam, it
will have your approbation--He desired me to explain minutely to you
every circumstance of his fortune: what his estate is I have told you;
and his family is of known distinction. He begged I would not _mention_
Sidney's fortune; and said, that if, upon a farther acquaintance, he
should have the happiness to be acceptable to my sister, he should
insist upon leaving the appointment of her settlement to lady Bidulph
and myself. I told him I would lay this proposal before you, and could
for his present comfort inform him, that, as I believed my sister had no
prepossessions in favour of any one else, I was sure, if he met with
your concurrence, her's would follow of course.
A very discreet answer, said my mother; just such a one as I would have
dictated to you, if I had been at your elbow. I believe we may venture
to suppose, that Mrs Sidney _has_ no prepossessions; and as this is as
handsome an offer as can possibly be made, I have no objections (if you
have none, my dear) to admit Mr Faulkland upon the terms he proposes.
What answer ought I to have made, Cecilia? Why, to be sure, just the one
I _did_ make--I have _no_ prepossessions, madam, looking down and
blushing, till it actually pained me, for I was really startled. My
Cecilia knows I am not a prude.
My dear! cry'd my mother, and took me by the hand--
Poor Sidney, said Sir George, how you are to be pitied! Mr Faulkland
purposes waiting on you in the afternoon, if he is not _forbid_; and he
looked so teazingly sly, that my mother bid him leave off his _pranks_.
The day is ever--Mr Faulkland spent the evening with us; no other
company but our own family. My mother likes him better even than
before--Thy _mother_--disingenuous girl! why dost thou not speak thy
_own_ sentiments! (There is an apostrophe for thy use, my Cecilia). Well
then, _my_ sentiments you shall have; you have an undoubted right to
know them on all subjects, but particularly on this interesting one.
I _do_ think Mr Faulkland the most amiable of men; and if my heart were
(happily for me it is not) _very_ susceptible of tender impressions, I
really believe I should in time be absolutely in love with him. This
confession will not satisfy you: may be it is not enough--yet, in truth,
Cecilia, it is all that at present I can afford you.
The thoughts of the aukward figure I should make in the evening visit,
sat heavy on my spirits all day.--Can you conceive any thing more
distressing than the situation of a poor girl, receiving the visit of a
man, who, for the first time, comes professedly as her admirer? I had
conceived a frightful idea of such an interview, having formed my
notions of it only from romances, where set speeches of an ell long are
made by the lover, and answers of a proportionable size are returned in
form by the lady. But Mr Faulkland soon delivered me from my anxiety.
His easy, but incomparably polite and sensible freedom of address,
quickly made me lose my ridiculous fears.--He made no other use of this
visit, than to recommend himself more strongly to our esteem, by such
means as proved how well he deserved it. If he was particular to me,
either in his looks or manner, it was under the regulation of such a
nice decorum, that I (who supposed I must have sunk with downright
confusion) was hardly disconcerted during the whole visit.
_June 10_
I do really think my good mother grows so fond of Mr Faulkland, that if
he goes on at this rate, he will get the start even of Sir George in her
affections--'Mr _Faulkland_ said so and so; Mr _Faulkland_ is of
opinion; and I am sure you will allow Mr _Faulkland_ to be a good judge
of such and such things.'
To say the truth, the man improves upon you every hour you know him. And
yet I have discovered in him some of those little (and they are _but_
little) alloys to his many good qualities, which Sir George at first
told me of. The interest I may one day have in him makes me a closer
observer than I should otherwise be. There _is_ that sly turn to
ridicule which my brother mentioned; yet, to do him justice, he never
employs it, but where it is deserved; and then too with so much vivacity
and good humour, that one cannot be angry with him.
We had a good deal of company at dinner with us to day; amongst the
rest, young Sayers, who is just returned from his travels, as _he_ calls
it. You remember he went away a good humoured, inoffensive, quiet fool;
he has brought no one ingredient of that character back with him but the
last; for such a stiff, conceited, overbearing, talkative, impertinent
coxcomb, does not now exist. His mother, who, poor woman, you know
originally made a simpleton of the boy, contributes now all in her power
to finish the sop; and she carries him about with her everywhere for a
show. We were assembled in the drawing room before dinner: in _burst_
(for it was not a common entry) Master Sayers, and his mamma, the cub
handing in the old lady--_So_ stiff, and _so_ aukward, and _so_
ungraceful, and so _very_ unlike Mr Faulkland, that I pitied the poor
thing, who thought that every body would admire him as much as his
mother did. After he had been presented to the ladies (for it was the
first time we had seen him since he came home), he took a turn or two
about the room, to exhibit his person: then applying himself to a
picture which hung over the door (a fine landscape of Claude Lorrain,
which Mr Faulkland himself had brought over and given to Sir George), he
asked my brother, in a tone scarce articulate, whether we had any
_painters_ in England? My mother, who by chance heard him, and by
greater chance understood him, answered, before Sir George had time,
_Painters_, Sir! yes, sure, and some very good ones too; why, you cannot
have forgot _that_; it is not much above a year since you went
abroad, (for you must know he had been recalled upon the death of
an uncle, who had left him his estate). I observed Mr Faulkland
constrained a very fly laugh, on account both of the _manner_ of my
mother's taking his question, and her innocently-undesigned reprimand.
Sayers pretended not to hear her, but looking through his fingers, as if
to throw the picture into perspective, that is a pretty good piece, said
he, for a copy. Oh! cry'd his mother, there is no pleasing _you_--people
who have been _abroad_ are such connoisseurs in painting--No body making
any immediate answer, Mr Faulkland stepped up to Mr Sayers, with such a
roguish humility in his countenance, that you would have sworn he was a
very ignoramus, said, 'Are you of opinion, Sir, that that picture is
nothing but a copy?' Nothing more, take my word for it, Sir: When _I_
was at Rome, there was a Dutchman there who made it his business to take
copies _of_ copies, which he dispersed, and had people to sell for him
in different parts, as pretty good prices; and they did mighty well; for
very few people _know_ a picture; and I'll answer for it there are not
many masters of eminence, but what have a hundred originals palmed upon
them, more than ever they painted in their lives.
Mr Faulkland then proceeded to ask him abundance of questions, which any
one, who did not know him well, would have thought he proposed for no
other end but a desire of information; and the poor coxcomb Sayers
plumed himself upon displaying so much travelled knowlege, to a
wondering ignorant Englishman, who had never been out of his own
country. The company were divided into little chattering parties, as is
usual when people are whiling away an half hour before dinner. Mrs.
Sayers, my mother, and I, were sitting together on a couch, near enough
to hear the conversation that passed between the two gentlemen; at least
as much as was not sunk in the affected, half-pronounced sentences of Mr
Sayers. His mother, to whom he was the principal object of attention in
the company, seemed mightily pleased at the opportunity her son had,
from the inquisitiveness of Mr Faulkland (whom she did not know) of
shewing his taste in the polite arts, and often looked about to observe
if any body else attended to them. My mother, dear literal woman! (as I
often call her to you) took every thing seriously, and whispered to me,
how pretty that is, Sidney! how condescending in Mr Faulkland! you see
he does not make a parade of his _own_ knowledge in these matters, but
is pleased to reap the benefit of other people's. I, who saw the latent
roguery, could hardly contain myself. Indeed I was amazed at Mr
Faulkland's grave inquisitive face, and was very glad my mother did not
find him out.
Sayers, elated with having shone so conspicuously (for he observed that
both my mother and I attended to his discourse) proceeded to shew away
with an immensity of vanity and frothy chat, beginning every new piece
of history with, 'When _I_ was at Rome, or, when _I_ was at Paris'--At
last, unluckily for him, speaking of an incident (which made a good deal
of noise, and happened at the first-mentioned place) in which two
English gentlemen had been concerned, he said it was about eleven months
ago, just before he left Rome. My mother, who had heard Mr Faulkland
relate the same story, but with some very different circumstances,
immediately said, Mr Faulkland, have I not heard you speak of that? you
were at Rome yourself when the affair happened; and if I be not
mistaken, it was through your interest with the cardinal of ---- that
the business was made up.
If a spectre had appeared to poor Sayers, he could not have looked more
aghast. He dropped his visage half-way down his breast, and for the
_first_ time speaking very _plain_, and very loud too, with a share of
astonishment, Have _you_ been at _Rome_, Sir? I was there for a little
time, Sir, answered Mr Faulkland, with real modesty; for he pitied the
mortified buzzard; and I know the story was _represented_ as you have
told it; the circumstances differed in a few particulars, but the facts
were nearly as you have related them.
How obligingly did he reconcile the out-of-countenance Sayers to himself
and to the company? Were you long abroad, pray Sir, said the coxcomb?
About five years, Sir, answered Mr Faulkland; but I perceive, by the
conversation I have had the honour of holding with you to-day, that many
accurate and curious observations escaped me, which you made in a much
shorter space of time; for the communication of which I think myself
extremely obliged to you. Whether the poor soul thought him serious (as
my mother did) I cannot tell; he made him a bow, however, for the
compliment; but was so lowered, that he did not say a word more of Rome
or Paris for the rest of the day: and in this we had a double advantage;
for as he had nothing else to talk of, his mouth was effectually
stopped, except when Mr Faulkland, out of compassion, asked him (as he
often did) such questions as he thought he could answer, without
exposing his ignorance: for he was contented to have enjoyed it in their
tête à tête, and was far from wishing the company to be witnesses of it.
I think such a bagatelle may give you some idea of this man's turn. I
told it to Sir George; he laughed heartily, and said it was _so_ like
him! My brother loves even his faults, though he will not allow me to
call them by that name.
_July 4_
You are unkind, Cecilia, and do not do justice to my sincerity, when you
say, _you are sure I am in love with Mr Faulkland_. If I were, can you
conceive it possible that I would deny it to you? Ah! my sister, must I
suspect _you_ of wanting candour by your making a charge of disingenuity
against your friend? Indeed, Cecilia, if I _am_ in love with him, I do
not _yet_ know it myself. I will repeat it to you, I think him the most
amiable of men, and should certainly give him the preference, if I were
left to a free choice, over all the rest of his sex; at least all that I
have ever yet seen; though possibly there _may_ be handsomer, wiser,
better men, but they have not fallen within my observation. I am not
however so prepossessed in his favour, as to suppose him a phoenix; and
if any unforeseen event were to prevent my being his, I am sure I should
bear it, and behave very handsomely.
And yet perhaps this may be only bragging like a coward, because I think
a very short time will put it out of the power of fortune to divide us.
Yet certain as the event of our marriage appears to me at present, I
still endeavour to keep a sort of guard over my wishes, and will not,
give my heart leave to center _all_ its happiness in him; and therefore
I cannot rank myself amongst the first-rate lovers, who have neither
eyes, nor ears, nor sensations, but for one object. _This_, Mr Faulkland
says, is his case, in regard to me. But I think we women should not love
at such a rate, till _duty_ makes the passion a virtue; and till _that_
becomes my case, I am so much a philosopher in love that I am determined
not to let it absorbe any of the other cordial affections, which I owe
to my relations and my friends.
I think we ought always to form some laws to ourselves for the
regulation of our conduct: without this, what an impertinent dream must
the life be of almost every young person of our sex? You, my dear,
though with an uncommon understanding of your own, have always been
intirely conducted by your wise parents; and in this I make it my boast
to have followed your example. I have been accustomed from my infancy to
pay an implicit obedience to the best of mothers; the conforming to this
never yet cost me an uneasy minute, and I am sure never will.
_July 5_
A little incident happened to-day, which pleased my mother wonderfully.
She had been at morning prayers (as you know is her daily custom); when
returning home in her chair, one of the men happened to flip his foot,
and fell down just before Mr Faulkland's house. He was so much hurt,
that he could go no farther; and the footman immediately opening the
chair, told her she had better step into Mr Faulkland's, till he called
another, or got a man to assist in carrying her home. One of Mr
Faulkland's servants happened to be standing at the door; so that,
without any previous notice, she was immediately conducted into a
parlour, where Mr Faulkland was sitting at breakfast. She found with him
two pretty little children at his knee, to one of whom he had given some
cake; and the elder of the two, a boy of about five years old, he was
gravely lecturing, though with great gentleness, for having told a lye.
My mother asked him, with some surprise, whose children those were? He
smiled, and told her they were his coachman's; and then ordered the
footman to carry them down, bidding the little boy be sure to remember
what he had said to him.
My mother enquired, if he permitted them to be in the house? He said, he
did; and had been induced to do it from the distress he had seen their
poor father in, a few days before. He is an honest careful fellow,
continued Mr Faulkland, and has lived in my family from a boy. He was
married to a good sort of a body, who took great care of these children,
and helped to maintain them decently by her work. The poor woman died in
childbed last week; and the person who attended her in her illness (for
she had no servant) took that opportunity of robbing the lodgings; and
after plundering the poor creature of every thing that was worth
carrying away, locked up those two children, which you saw with me, and
the new-born infant, with the corpse of their mother.
The poor little wretches continued in that dismal situation all night,
having cried themselves to sleep, without being heard, though there were
some other people in the house. The morning following I happened to make
an early visit in the neighbourhood of this distressed little family,
and my coachman, who was a very affectionate husband and father, took
that opportunity of calling on his wife whom he had not been able to see
for three days. The cries of his children (now awake and almost starved)
obliged him hastily to break open the room door, where the poor fellow
was shocked with the dismal spectacle of his wife lying breathless in
her bed, the infant almost expiring at her side, and the other two poor
little famished creatures calling to their dead mother for bread.
The sight almost deprived the man of his senses. He snatched up his two
eldest children in his arms, and ran raving to the house where I was;
tearing his hair like a madman. He told me his mournful story; with
which I was so affected, that I ordered one of my footmen to carry the
two children home to my house directly, and desired their father to look
out for some body to take care of the young one, which he soon did.
The honest poor fellow was delighted, when he came home, to find his two
children well and merry; for they were sensible of no want but their
food. But his grief returned on him with great violence at the thoughts
of his being obliged to put them into the hands of people, who, he said,
he was sure would not be so kind to them as their own poor mother had
been; and my man told me he did nothing but kiss them, and cry over them
the whole day. To make his mind easy at once, I let him know they should
remain here under his own eye, till they were old enough to be put to
school; and accordingly directed my housekeeper to see that they were
taken care of; which has made their father very happy.
The little rogues have found their way up to me, and I love some times
to hear them prattle; but this morning the eldest having told me a lye
of his brother, I was checking him for it when you came in.
My mother was so pleased with Mr Faulkland's conduct in his little
history, that she repeated it to me word for word as soon as she came
home, and concluded with observing, how _good a creature_ Mr Faulkland
must be, who in so tender a manner interested himself in his poor
servant's misfortune. Most young gentlemen, said she, would have thought
they had done enough in giving the servant money to have provided for
his children how he could: it is in such trifles as these that we often
discover the excellence of the heart.
You will suppose, my dear, that I am not displeased at any circumstance
that can raise Mr Faulkland's character in my pious mother's esteem. I
heard the story with great pleasure; but not making any comments on it,
Sir George (who was present at the relation), said, Well, Sidney, you
are either very affected, or the greatest stoic in the world; why, any
other girl would be in raptures at such a proof of the honest tenderness
of that heart which she knows she possesses intirely, and on which the
whole of her future happiness depends. I am very sensible of Mr
Faulkland's worth, brother, I replied, and I can feel without being
transported. I will be hanged, said Sir George, if I think you love
Faulkland, at least not half as well as he deserves; and I dare swear
you have not been honest enough to tell him yet whether you do or not.
It is time enough for that, I replied; if Mr Faulkland and I should be
married, I hope I shall give him no cause to complain of my want of
affection.
_If_ you marry, said my brother! I know of no possible _ifs_, unless
they are of your own making. I know of none neither, answered my mother;
yet I think Sidney is in the right to be doubtful about all human
events. Many things, added she gravely (for she has a great veneration
for old sayings), fall out between the cup and the lip.
I think, mother, said Sir George, bluntly, _you_ were disappointed in
your _first_ love; I have heard you speak of it, but I forget the
circumstances. As I had never heard my mother make any mention of this
particular, I begged she would oblige me with relating it.
When I was about one-and-twenty, daughter, said she, a match was
concluded by my father between me and a very fine gentleman. I loved
him, and (as I suppose all young women do in the like circumstances)
believed myself equally beloved by him. The courtship had been of a
year's standing; for you must know I was not very easily won. Every
thing was settled, and the day appointed for our marriage arrived; when,
instead of the bridegroom, whom we every minute expected, there came a
letter from him directed to me. The contents were, that having formerly
been engaged to a young lady by the most solemn vows, he had,
unfortunately for them both, forgot them all on seeing me, and had broke
through every obligation divine and human to obtain me. He intreated
mine, and my family's pardon, in the most pathetic manner, for having
engaged our esteem so far as to consent to an union, of which he found
himself unworthy, and which it was impossible for him to accomplish;
for, said he, the wrongs I have done the woman, whose youth I seduced,
rise to my imagination with so much horror, that, for the empire of the
world, I would not complete my guilt, by devoting that hand to another,
to which she only has a right. He enlarged greatly on the sufferings of
his heart, in the struggle between his love for me, and his duty to the
person who had his first vows; and whom, he declared, his infidelity had
almost brought to the grave. He claimed my pity, both on his own and her
account; and repeatedly intreated my forgiveness of his fault.
The whole letter, which was very long, was so expressive of a mind
overwhelmed with despair, that I was exceedingly shocked at the reading
of it. What could I say? The plea he offered for his seemingly strange
conduct, was too just to admit of any objections. I own the
disappointment afflicted me, but I bore it with a becoming resolution.
My family were at first exceedingly exasperated against my doubly
unfaithful lover; but, upon enquiring into the facts, they found the
truth to be as he had represented it. The conclusion was, that, upon the
very day on which he was to have been married to me, and on which he had
writ me that gloomy letter, he was seized with a melancholy, with
increasing on him daily, soon after ended in absolute madness, and he
was obliged to be confined for the remainder for his life. The young
lady lived but a short time after the melancholy fate of her lover, and
died, as it was said, of a broken heart.
It was a great comfort to me to reflect that my fate disposed otherwise
of me than to this unhappy gentleman; for I am very sure, had these
fatal events happened in consequence of my marriage with him, that I
should never have survived it.
This extraordinary anecdote of my mother's life, which I had never had a
hint of before (for she could not speak of it without great emotion),
very much affected me. Sir George said, the story was more tragical than
he had apprehended, and told my mother, _that_ was an accident which
fell out between the cup and the lip, with a vengeance.
My mother continued thoughtful for a good while; and I was sorry that
the memory of this melancholy story had been revived; but Sir George
talked and laughed us both in spirits again.
_July 6_
This Mr Faulkland is a princely man; he has sent me _such_ a set of
jewels! My mother says they are too fine for a private gentlewoman; but
George tells her they are not a bit too fine for Mr Faulkland's _wife_,
and only suitable to his fortune. You know I have but few of my own,
those only which were my mother's when she was a maiden. The greatest
part of her's, and by much the finest, were presented to her by my
father; but those she reserves for Sir George, against the time of his
marriage, as a present for his lady; for they are family jewels.
_July 8_
My probation is over, my Cecilia.--The formidable question has been put
to me, and I have answered it--Ay marry, say you, but how? In the
_negative_, to be sure, my dear--No, no, my Cecilia; a valuable (psha!
what an affected cold word that is), a lovely and most worthy man, with
six thousand pounds a year, is a prize that a country girl must not
expect to draw every day. Mr Faulkland, in _lover-like_ phrase, demanded
from me the time of his destined happiness: I referred him to my mother.
She, good and delicate as she is, referred him back to Sir George.
George blurted out some sudden day that startled us both, when Mr
Faulkland reported it to us. I stammered out something; my mother
hesitated; Sir George came in, and blundered at us all; so I think we
compounded for the time, and amongst us fixed upon this day month--And
full soon enough, says my Cecilia: you have known the man but about six
weeks, and surely a month is as little time as you can take, in
preparing fineries. True, my girl, true; but it is all George's doings.
Indeed, my Cecilia, without affectation, I had much rather have had a
longer day; though I think I _know_ the man as well in those six weeks,
as if I had been acquainted with him so many years; for he has spent
most of his hours with us every day during that time; and my mother says
he is one of those in _whom there is no guile_.
Sir George is downright insolent; he declares I am not sensible of my
own happiness, and that I deserve to be married to some little petty
Wiltshire 'squire. He so piques himself upon making this match, there is
no bearing him. He has taken all matters of settlement upon himself, and
insists on my mother's not interposing. She acquiesces, but charges my
brother not to let Mr Faulkland's generosity carry him too far, and bids
him remember what is due to his friend, as well as to his sister.
_July 10_
I really begin to be hurried. My mother, you know, is exactly
punctilious in every thing. Such a quantity of things _are_ bought, and
such a quantity to _be_ bought, that there is no end of journies into
the city. Then milaners and mantua-makers!--One would think I was going
to pass the remainder of my life in a remote country, where there were
no kind of manufactures or artificers to be come at, and that I was to
provide cloathing for half a century.
_July 12_
I have much upon my hands, and Sir George is so impatient, and
troublesome, that I believe I must employ an amanuensis, to give you a
minute detail of all our foppery; for I shall not have patience to do it
myself.
_July 17_
Sir George has often told me, that he knows of no fault Mr Faulkland
has, but a violence of temper when provoked. I saw an instance of it
to-day, which I was sorry for, and the more so, as I was in some measure
accessary to it. Mr Faulkland, my brother, a lady of our acquaintance,
and myself, took a ride in Hide-Park this morning. We were to dine at
Kensington (where my mother was to meet us), at the house of the lady (a
relation of Mr Faulkland's), who was with us.
We rode into the stable-yard of her house, in order to alight. My horse,
which happened to be a young one that Sir George had newly bought, saw
some object that made him shy of advancing, and he turned suddenly
about. A footman of Mr Faulkland's, who chanced to stand just behind me,
very imprudently, though I am sure with design of harm, gave him a
stroke with his whip, which made the animal plunge and throw me, as I
had not time to recover my seat from the first short turn he made. I
luckily received not the least hurt, and was on my feet in an instant.
But Mr Faulkland, who had leaped off his horse even before I fell, was
so enraged at the fellow, that he gave him two or three sound lashes
with his whip across the shoulders, which fell on him as quick as
lightning. I am inclined to think the servant was not sober; for he had
the insolence to lay hold of his master's whip, and muttered an oath or
two. Mr Faulkland's attention being quickly turned to me, he took no
farther notice of the man. We went into the house; and after I had
assured them all I was not in the least hurt, I begged of Mr Faulkland
to forgive the footman, who had undesignedly caused the accident. He
made a thousand apologies, for having let his anger so far transport
him, as to chastise his servant in a manner he was not used to do; but
the peril he put you into, madam, addressing himself to me, made me
forget myself. I repeated, I hope, Sir, you have forgiven him. I wish,
my dear Miss Bidulph, said he, that the fellow were guilty of no other
fault but this, that I might shew you my readiness to obey you; but he
is such an intolerable sot, that there is no keeping him with safety. I
have forgiven him several idle things; but as I had determined to part
with him before this happened, I hope you will be so good as not to
insist on my retaining him. I could not intercede for the foolish fellow
after this: so said no more.
This little incident convinces me that Mr Faulkland is of too warm a
temper; yet I am not alarmed at the discovery; you know I am the very
reverse; and I hope in time, by gentle methods, in some measure to
subdue it in Mr Faulkland. His own good sense and good nature must
incline him to wish it corrected. My brother says, he has often lamented
this vice of his nature to him, and said he had taken infinite pains to
get the better of it; and had so far succeeded, that he seldom was
surprized by it, but on very sudden and extraordinary occasions; such
as, I suppose, he looked upon this to be, which I have related.
We passed the day delightfully at Kensington, and did not return to town
till late. I think I have got cold, as we walked a long time in the
gardens.
_July 13_
I have got an ugly sore throat; my mother insists on my being let blood;
I am afraid of alarming her by complaining, though I had very little
rest all night. Mr Faulkland came early this morning to enquire after my
health: my mother told him I was not well. How tenderly dejected were
his looks, when I came into the room. Sir George made him stay to
breakfast; he scarce tasted any thing; he was quite cast down. My
brother rallied him (I thought it unreasonable) on the chance he had the
day before of losing his wife. Mr Faulkland answered, I wish I had
followed the first motion of my thoughts, and discharged that wicked
fellow a month ago. Sir George said, as it happened, there had been no
harm done; but he thought Mr Faulkland would do well to dismiss such an
insolent rogue from his service. He has saved me that trouble, said Mr
Faulkland, he has dismissed himself; but took care to first to rob me.
To rob you! we all repeated in the same breath. Yes, said Mr Faulkland:
I told him, after I got home, that he was to deliver up such things as
he had in his charge to my own man, as I meant to discharge him in the
morning. He made me no reply, for he was a sullen fellow; but when the
family were asleep, he contrived to pick the lock of a bureau in my
dressing room, where I sometimes keep money. I believe what induced him
to it was, his having seen me yesterday morning, when I was going to
ride (a precaution which I generally use), put my pocket book into this
place, and I suppose he concluded there were bank notes in it, for he
took _that_ (I presume without staying to examine it) and all the money
he could find besides, and very cleverly made his escape out of a back
window, which was found open this morning.
My mother lectured Mr Faulkland a little, for suffering a servant,
whose fidelity he was not sure of, to see where he deposited his money;
which, she said, might prove a temptation to one, who was _not_ so ill
inclined as this man. Mr Faulkland acknowleged it was careless in him;
but said, in his justification, he had been accustomed to very honest
people about him, which rendered him less suspicious.
He appeared so anxious and unhappy about my indisposition, that I
affected to make as light of it as possible; though indeed I find myself
very much out of order. With what a kind sorrow did he observe my looks;
sighs now and then stole from him, as his eyes were fixed on my face. I
am obliged to him, yet I think I should be as much concerned for _him_,
if he were ill.
Here is a whole cargo of silks and laces just sent in to me--Heigh-ho! I
can't look at them--I am not well--and I have such a gantlope to run of
visiting and racketting, that the thought makes me sicker.
_July 27_
After a fortnight's, a dreadful fortnight's intermission, I reassume my
pen. I have often told you, Cecilia, I was not born to be happy. Oh! I
prophesied when I said so, though I knew not why I said it.
I will try to recollect all the circumstances of this miserable
interval, and relate them as well as I can. The last line in my journal
(which I have not yet ventured to send you, as your stay at Paris is so
uncertain) informs you that I was ill. I was let blood; but my disorder
increased, and I was in a high fever before next morning. I remember
what my reflections were, and am sure my apprehensions of death were not
on my _own_ account afflicting, but grievously so at the thoughts of
what those should feel whom I was to leave behind.
My mother and Mr Faulkland, I believe, chiefly engaged my mind; but I
did not long continue capable of reflection. The violence of my disorder
deprived me of my senses on the fourth day, and they tell me I raved of
Mr Faulkland. I remember nothing, but that, in my intervals of reason, I
always saw my poor mother in tears by my bedside. I was in the utmost
danger, but it pleased God to restore me to the ardent prayers of my
dear parent. In about ten days I began to shew some symptoms of
amendment, and enquired how Mr Faulkland did. My mother answered, he is
well, my dear, and gone out of town, but I believe will return in a day
or two. Gone out of town, said I, and leave me dying! Indeed that was
not kind of Mr Faulkland, and I shall tell him so. My mother was sitting
on the bedside, and had hold of my hand; my brother was standing with
his back to the fire place. I observed they looked at one another, but
neither made me any answer. Pray, Sir George, I cried, would you serve
the woman so whom you were so near making your wife? My brother was
going to reply, but my mother frowned at him; he looked displeased, and
went out of the room. Dear madam, said I, there is something the matter
with Mr Faulkland; don't keep me in suspence. I _know_ there is
something, which you and my brother would conceal from me. Is Mr
Faulkland sick? Not that I know of, I assure you, answered my mother; he
was well yesterday, for we had a message from him to enquire after your
health, as we have had every day, for he is but at Richmond; and you
know if he were in town, he could receive no other satisfaction than
hearing from you, as you are too ill to admit of any visits. My mother
rang the bell immediately, and asked me to take something; I saw she
wanted to turn the conversation. My maid Ellen came into the room, and I
asked no more questions.
My mother staid with me till it was time for her to go to rest; but
avoided mentioning Mr Faulkland's name, or giving me any opportunity of
doing it; for she tenderly conjured me to keep myself quite composed,
and not to talk. The doctor assured her this night that he thought me
out of danger; and she retired with looks of cordial delight.
She was no sooner gone, than I called Ellen to my bedside, and charged
her to tell me all she knew concerning Mr Faulkland. The poor girl
looked concerned, and seemed to study for an answer. Lord bless me,
madam! what should I know of him more than my lady has told you? When
did you see him, said I? Not for several days, she answered. Where is
he? At Richmond, I heard Sir George say; but I suppose he will come to
town as soon as he hears you are well enough to receive him. I catched
hold of her hand; 'Ellen, I know there is something, relative to Mr
Faulkland, which you all want to hide from me; don't attempt to deceive
me; you may be sure, whatever it be, I must soon be informed of it; in
the mean while, my doubts make me very unhappy.'
The good-natured girl's trouble and confusion increased as I spoke: My
dear madam, she replied, when you are better my lady will tell you all:
'No, no, Ellen, I must know it now; tell it me this minute, or you must
never expect to see me better under such uncertainty. What is the _all_,
the frightful _all_, that I am to be told? How you have shocked me with
that little word!' I know nothing, madam, answered Ellen, but what I
gathered from Sir George's loud angry talk with my lady; and I should be
undone if her ladyship were to know I mentioned it to you. I assured
her my mother should not know it. Why then, madam (speaking lower), I am
afraid that Mr Faulkland has misbehaved, or has been belied to my
lady--She stopped at this--How? how? cried I eagerly; What has she heard
of him? Something of another courtship, she replied; but I hope it is
all false--You trifle with me--speak out, and say all you know. The poor
creature started at my impatience: 'I know no more, madam, than that I
heard my lady say to Sir George, I had rather Sidney were in her grave,
than married to him. Sir George said, But why will not you not let Mr
Faulkland justify himself, madam? Justify himself! my lady answered;
What can he say? Is it not plain that he is false to another woman? They
talked lower; but at last Sir George raised his voice, and said, he
would give half his estate to have the villain punished--All this,
madam, I over-heard by mere accident. Sir George was going abroad; his
linen was lying ready for him in his dressing-room; and his man desired
me to put a stitch in one of his master's point ruffles which was a
little ripped in the gathering. I had come up the back stairs into the
dressing-room, just as my lady (who was with Sir George in the
bed-chamber) said the words I first repeated; and while I stood doing
the ruffle, I heard the rest. There was a great deal more said, but I
could not distinguish any thing besides, except a word here and there,
which Sir George seemed to speak in a very angry tone. This was the
second day of your illness. Mr Faulkland had been here in the morning to
enquire how you did; my lady saw him, and I thought they parted very
friendly. I met Mr Faulkland coming down stairs; he looked full of
grief; my lady stood at the dining-room door, and wished him a good
morning. About an hour after came a letter directed to you; it was
brought by a porter, who said it required no answer. As you were too ill
to read it, I gave it to my lady; and it was soon after this, that I
heard the conversation between Sir George and her ladyship. Mr Faulkland
came again in the evening. Sir George was not at home; but my lady had
him above an hour in the drawing-room; and the footman, who let him out,
said, he looked as if he were in sad trouble. He has never been here
since, but sends constantly every day to know how you do. My lady
ordered me, if any letters came for you, to deliver them to her. And has
there any come to me? No madam; word was always sent to Mr Faulkland of
your being so ill, that to be sure he thought it would be in vain for
him to write to you.'
This was all I could gather from the maid. What a night did I pass? I
scarce closed my eyes. Ellen lay in a field-bed by me; she had watched
several nights, and I obliged her now to undress and go into bed. She
slept soundly; how I envied her tranquility! If I forgot myself for a
few minutes, my slumbers were distracted, and I started at the
recollection of what I had already heard, and the dread of what I had
_still_ to hear. Mr Faulkland absenting himself from the house so long;
my mother wishing me in the grave, rather than be his wife; my brother
denouncing vengeance on the _villain_! These were the terrible ideas
that haunted me till morning. What can he have done, I cried aloud
several times? I summoned to my aid all the fortitude I was mistress of,
and resolved not to sink under the calamity, be it of what nature it
would.
My mother, ever kind and tender, came early the next morning into my
room. She enquired after my health, and looked as if she _pitied_ me. I
was ready to cry at her compassionate glances; they mortified me, but I
was determined not to let her perceive it. I told her I was much better;
and, what is surprizing, I was really so, notwithstanding the uneasy
state of my mind. She talked of indifferent things, and said, she hoped
I should soon be able to go into the country for a few days, to recover
a little strength. I answered, I hope so too, madam. We were both silent
for a while; my mother had her indulgent eyes fixed upon me; mine were
cast down: at last I resolved to speak out. Madam, said I, looking
steadfastly at her, what is the cause of your coldness towards Mr
Faulkland? 'Tis in vain for you to hide it longer; you say he is _well_,
and gone out of town. If he has shewn any slight towards me, tell me so
at once; and do not entertain so mean an opinion of your daughter, as to
suppose she cannot bear the news. Your tenderness, I see, would conceal
_something_ from me; but believe me, madam, I am prepared for the worst.
My dear, replied my mother, it gives me great pleasure to hear you say
so. I pray God preserve my child, and grant her a better lot than she
could hope for in a union with Mr Faulkland. What has he done, madam? My
dearest Sidney, she answered, this is the first trial you have ever had
of your patience; but I have no doubt that your goodness and discretion
will teach you to act as becomes your character.
I did not intend to have spoken to you on the subject, till you were
better able to bear the knowlege of what I am going to acquaint you
with; but your prudence, I think, makes you equal to every thing; and I
hope your health will not be endangered by the discovery of Mr
Faulkland's baseness. (What a dreadful preface!)
The day after you were taken ill, a letter, directed to you, was brought
hither by a porter, which your maid (very discretely) delivered to me.
As you were not in a condition to read it yourself, I thought proper to
open it. The cover contained a few lines addressed to you; and in it was
inclosed a letter directed to Mr Faulkland. Good God, added she, taking
the papers out of her pocket, how little reliance ought we to have on a
fair outside!
Here are the letters; read what is in the cover first. I did so; it was
ill writ, and worse spelt. These were the contents:
Madam,
I hear you are soon to be married to Mr Faulkland; but as I think
it a great pity that so virtuous a young lady should be thrown
away, this is to inform you, that he does not deserve you.
The inclosed letter, wrote to him by a fine and beautiful young
lady that he decoyed, shews you how false he is. When you tax him
with it, he will know from whence you got your information; but
let him deny it if he can.
I am, madam,
You unknown friend,
and humble servant.
The letter to Mr Faulkland, in a very pretty female hand, and the date
but a week old (from the time it was sent to me) was as follows:
"Oh! Mr Faulkland, I am the most unfortunate woman in the world!
Fatal have you been to me, and I am undone for ever--I was in
hopes that our mutual fault might have been concealed; for, while
we staid at Bath, I kept my aunt intirely ignorant of what passed
between us, though she often pressed me to confess the truth; but
it can now no longer be concealed. I am but too sensibly reminded
of the unhappy consequences of my own weakness, and your
ungoverned (would I could call it) love. I never meant to trouble
you with complaints; but my present condition calls loudly for
your compassion. Are you then really going to be married? There
wants but this to complete my destruction! Oh! Sir, before it is
too late, take pity on me! I dare not continue in the house with
my uncle much longer. My aunt says, that, when my affliction
becomes so conspicuous as not to be any longer hid, she will form
a pretence, on account of my health, for me to be absent for some
months, under colour of going to Bath, or to London, for better
advice than I can have here. But what will this avail me? I have
no relations, no friends, nor acquaintance, that I can trust with
the secret of my miserable situation. To whom then can I fly, but
to you, the cause of all my sorrow? I beseech you, for Heaven's
sake, write to me, and tell me, if indeed you are going to give
your self away for ever! If you are, your intended bride, perhaps,
may have no other advantage of me, but what you in an evil hour
deprived me of. Write to me, dear, though cruel as you are; and
think of some place of refuge for your unhappy
A.B."
When I had read these letters, my mother asked me, What I thought of Mr
Faulkland? Indeed, I was so astonished, that I scarce knew what answer
to make; but replied, Madam, are you satisfied that this letter is not
forged, with a design to injure Mr Faulkland? Ah! my dear said she, I am
sorry you strive to catch at so slender a twig; you may be sure I am but
too well convinced that the letter is genuine, or you should never have
had a moment's uneasiness by the knowlege of it. Mr Faulkland himself
does not deny it, and it is with his permission that I kept it. I
promised to return it, but desired leave to retain it for a few days. He
could not refuse me this, though he might easily imagine I designed to
shew it to you. That, indeed, _was_ my intention, when I desired to keep
it a little while in my hands, and I did so, that I might have your
judgment on the letter itself, as well as fully to justify my own
proceedings in what I have done. Ah! dear madam, cry'd I, scarce knowing
what I said, I rely on your maternal goodness; I am sure you have done
what is proper. Yet has Mr Faulkland nothing to say for himself?--But I
will ask no more questions--I know too much already--My love, said my
mother, you have a right to know every thing relative to this affair.
I shewed the letters to your brother, as soon as I received them. Sir
George at first seemed quite confounded, but afterwards, to my very
great surprize, he smiled, and said, he knew of that foolish business
before. I asked him, if he knew of it before, how he could answer it to
his honour, his conscience, or the love he ought to bear his sister, not
to divulge it immediately? Why, said he, I assure you it is a _trivial_
affair, that ought not to make you uneasy.
What, George! I answered I, a trivial matter for a man to ruin a fine
young lady, forsake her, and dare to involve an innocent creature in his
crimes! Do you call this a _trivial_ affair? If you knew the
_circumstances_, said he, you would not view it in so disadvantageous a
light. Faulkland certainly gained the affections of a young lady, though
without seeking to do so; he never courted her, never attempted to
please her, much less to win her heart, and least of all to ruin her
virtue. I know that is an action he is not capable of committing. How
comes it to pass then that he _did_ so, said I, interrupting him? Why,
the girl was silly, and she was thrown in his way by a vile designing
woman that had the care of her, 'And was he (again stopping him) to take
advantage of her folly, and join with that _vile designing_ woman, to
destroy a poor young creature's honour?' The _best_ men, said he
confidently, may fall into an error; and if you expect to find a man
entirely free from them, you look for what is not possible in human
nature.
I may expect to find a man without flagrant crimes to answer for, I
hope; and I believe I spoke it with warmth. Do you call _this_ one,
madam, said he, with still more assurance? I hope Sidney will not be
such a chit as to think in this manner, when she comes to hear the
affair explained. I really grew down-right angry, and could not forbear
saying, I would rather see you married to your grave than to such a man.
Your brother then begged I would hear Mr Faulkland _justified_, and be a
little cool till that was done. I told him there was a terrible fact
alleged, of which I could not conceive it possible for him to acquit
himself.
George said, he had a letter to shew me on the subject, which he had
received from Mr Faulkland while he was at Bath, and which he was sure
would convince me, that the whole affair was so trifling, it ought by no
means to be objected to Mr Faulkland, nor, in his opinion, even
mentioned to him.
I told him I was sorry to find that he and I thought so differently; for
that I was determined to speak to Mr Faulkland immediately about it,
and, if he could not satisfy me intirely on the score of the injured
lady, that he must never think of Sidney more.
Your brother said, that the letter which was sent to you had come from
the revengeful dog who had robbed his master, and that he would give
half his estate to have the villain punished as he deserved. Mr
Faulkland, it seems, had told him this himself. The fellow found it in
the pocket-book which he had taken out of the escrutore, and his
disappointment, perhaps, at not getting a better booty, (for he found
but twenty moidores besides), joined to his malice against his master,
incited him to make the use he did of this letter. Now, continued my
mother, though the fellow is undoubtedly a vile creature, yet, my dear,
I think _we_ are obliged to him for this discovery, providentially as it
has come, to save you from what, in my opinion, would be the worst of
misfortunes.
The loss of this letter had alarmed Mr Faulkland so much, that he put an
advertisement into the papers next day, worded in so particular a
manner, as shewed how very fearful he was of that letter's coming to
light; for, no doubt, he suspected the man might make a dangerous use of
it. The advertisement said, that if the servant, who had absconded from
his master's house in St James's Square the night before, would restore
the papers which he took with him, they should be received without any
questions being asked, and a reward of twenty guineas paid to any person
who should bring them back. This advertisement, which, to be sure, the
fellow either did not see at all, or had not time enough to avail
himself of it, shews you to what sad resources people are driven, who,
having done unwarrantable actions, are often in the power of the lowest
wretches. I own this circumstance gave me a very ill impression of Mr
Faulkland. Your brother says, he remembers this man was one of the
servants he took with him to Bath, and, without doubt, he knew of his
amour. The advertisement has since been changed, by Sir George's advice.
I find the man is named, his person described, and a reward of fifty
pounds offered for the apprehending him; but I take it for granted he
has got out of reach.
Though his little digression was very pertinent, I was impatient to know
what had passed between my mother and Mr Faulkland on the fatal subject,
and could not forbear asking her.
I shall tell you, said she, in order. Your brother and I had some
farther altercations; and indeed, my dear, it amazes me to find, that a
young man, educated as Sir George was, in the early part of life, in the
strictest principles of virtue, and the son of parents, who, thank God,
always gave him the best example, should have so far deviated from the
sober paths he was brought up in, as to treat the most glaring vices
with a levity that shocked me. But, I suppose, the company he kept
abroad, among whom this hypocrite Faulkland was his chief, has quite
perverted him. He gave me the letter to read, which he had received
from his friend whilst he was at Bath; and which, he said, was to
convince me that it was such a _trifling_ affair, that we ought not to
take the least notice of it. And all his reason for this was, truly,
because that loose man treats the subject as lightly as he does. I am
afraid Sir George is no better than himself, or he would not have
ventured to make him the confidant of his wild amours; and that at a
time too when he was encouraged to address you. He tells him of a very
pretty young lady (innocent he says too) that he got acquainted with,
who came to Bath under the care of an aunt and uncle; he talks some idle
stuff of avoiding her, when he found she liked him, and that the aunt
(wicked woman!) contrived to leave them together one evening, when, I
understand, the poor young creature fell into the snare that was
prepared for her. For, would you believe it, my dear, the monstrous
libertine, notwithstanding his pretences, owned that he had paid a price
for the girl to her aunt. The betrayed creature herself knew not of
this.
I own I had not patience to read the letter through. To say the truth, I
but run my eye in a cursory manner over it; I was afraid of meeting, at
every line, something offensive to decency. And _this_ was the account,
which, in your brother's opinion, was entirely to exculpate Mr
Faulkland. I think I never was so angry. I threw the letter to George
with indignation, telling him, I was ashamed to find, that he, after
knowing an incident of this kind, had so little regard to the honour of
his sister, as to promote a marriage between her and such a rake. He
answered, if I kept you unmarried till I found such a man as _I_ should
_not_ call a rake, you were likely to live and die a maid. That
for his part, he was very sorry, as well for Mr Faulkland's sake as
yours, he had ever proposed an union, which he found was likely to be
overthrown by unseasonable scruples. And the gentleman, in a violent
passion, flung out of the room, without deigning even to take up the
letter which had fallen on the floor.
I presume he went directly to his friend Faulkland, and told him all
that had passed; for the plausible man came to me in the evening, and
with looks, full of pretended sorrow, but _real_ guilt, begged I would
hear him on the subject of a letter which he said he found had
unfortunately prejudiced me against him. To be sure he was prepared, and
had, with George's help, contrived an artful story to impose on me. He
took me unawares; but I was resolved not to give him the advantage of
arguments, but proceed to ask him a few plain questions. I therefore cut
him short at once, by saying, Mr Faulkland, I am extremely concerned
and shocked at what has happened; I will say but a few words to you, and
desire to hear nothing more than answers to my questions: he bowed, and
remained silent.
I then asked him, taking the young lady's letter out of my pocket,
whether that was from the same person, of whom he had written an account
to my son whilst he was at Bath? He answered, It is, madam; and I hoped
from that letter, which I find Sir George has shewn you, you would be
induced to believe that I never formed a thought of injuring that young
lady, till some unfortunate circumstances combined, and suddenly
surprized me into the commission of a fault that has made us both
unhappy. Sir, said I, I don't pretend to know people's hearts, I can
only judge of them from their actions. You acknowlege that she was a
fine young woman, and you believe innocent: What excuse can you offer
for being her destroyer? Dear madam, don't use so severe an
expression--Sir, I can use no other: How can you extenuate the fault, by
which you merit so severe an appellation? To a lady of your rigid
delicacy, madam, said he, perhaps what youth could offer, in extenuation
of the fault, might appear but a weak plea: yet 'tis most certain, that
I was surprized into the fatal error: I am under no promises, no ties,
no engagements whatsoever to the lady. No ties, Sir! (interrupting him)
Is your own honour no tie upon you, supposing you free from any other
obligation? You see the consequence of this fatal error, as you call it:
here is a young person, of fashion, perhaps (I don't enquire who she is,
but she seems to have had no mean education), who is likely to bring a
child into the world, to the disgrace of herself and her family. On you,
Sir, she charges her dishonour, and mentions your marrying another, as
the blow which is to complete her ruin. Mr Faulkland, is not all this
truth? Be so good as to give me a direct answer. Madam, I cannot deny
it; you have the proof of it in your hands: from all that appears to
you, I am indeed very blameable; nay, I do not pretend to vindicate my
folly; but, Madam, do not aggravate my fault in your own thoughts, by
considering the affair in a more unfavourable light than what even her
letter puts it! I conjure you, madam, to suffer Sir George to be my
advocate on this occasion; he is acquainted with every particular of the
transaction, and can give you a detail that I will not presume to do. Be
pleased, Sir, replied I, to tell me what you mean to do in regard to
this lady? I mean to do all that I _can_ do, answered he; I shall
provide a place of retreat for her, where she will meet with the utmost
care, tenderness, and respect; and where she may continue with privacy
till she is in a condition to return home again to her friends. You may
be sure, madam, as to the rest, I shall acquit myself consistently with
honour. That is as much as to say, Sir, said I, that you will take care
of the maintenance of your poor babe. He looked as if he had a mind to
smile, forward man! but constrained it. Doubtless, madam, I shall do all
that is now in my power to do, in every circumstance relating to her.
I felt myself exceedingly displeased with him; I was so disappointed in
my opinion of him, that it increased my resentment. Sir, I proceeded, I
must inform you, that there is as much _now_ in your power as ever there
was. You are still unmarried; the way is open to you, to repair the
mischief you have done: I will never bring down the curses of an injured
maid upon my daughter's head, nor purchase her worldly prosperity at the
expence of the shame and sorrow of another woman, for ought I know, as
well born, as tenderly bred, and, till she knew you, perhaps as innocent
as herself. For heaven's sake, madam! he cry'd, don't, don't, I beseech
you, pronounce my fate so hastily--You must pardon me, Sir, said I, if I
beg to hear no more on this subject. Sir George has already said every
thing you could expect of your friend to say in your justification, and
more than became him to utter. All I can find by either you or him, is,
that you think the loss of honour to a young woman is a trifle, which a
man is not obliged to repair, because truly he did not _promise_ to do
so. This young creature, I understand, is a gentlewoman, very charming
in her person, by your own account; one who loves you tenderly, and will
shortly make you a father. Is not all this so? I grant it madam, said
the criminal. Then, Sir, what reason can you urge in your conscience for
not doing her justice? None--but your own inconstant inclinations, which
happen now to be better pleased with another woman, whom, perhaps, you
might forsake in a few months.
I cannot pretend to repeat to you all he said upon this last article:
worse of course, you may be sure. He intreated, over and over again,
that I would permit Sir George to plead for him. I told him, that after
the facts he had granted, it was impossible that either he or Sir George
could make the affair better; that I was very sorry to find myself
disappointed in a person of whom I had conceived so high an opinion; and
added, that as your illness made it very improper to let you know any
thing of the matter for the present, I should take it as a favour if he
would permit me to retain the lady's letter to him for a few days, or
till you were in a condition to have the matter broke to you. In the
mean while, I requested that he would dispense with my receiving any
more visits from him.
He said some frantic things (for the man seems of a violent temper); but
finding me peremptory, took his leave with respect.
I understand from Sir George, that he flew directly down to Richmond, to
a little house he has there, where he has remained ever since; but sends
every day to enquire after your health. Sir George, I am sure, sees him
often; for he frequently goes out early in the morning, and stays abroad
till night. The increase of your illness, from the time I received the
last visit from Mr Faulkland, to such a degree as to alarm us for your
life, I suppose, prevented your brother from reassuming the subject;
though I can perceive he is full of anger and vexation on the occasion.
You are now, my dear, God be praised, in a hopeful way of recovery, and
I expect that George (who has, by espousing this man's interests so
warmly, very much offended me), that George, I say, will renew his
sollicitations in his favour. What do you say, my child? I should be
glad to know your thoughts, with regard to the part I have acted, as
well as with respect to Mr Faulkland's conduct.
Shall I own my weakness to you, my dear Cecilia? I was ready to melt
into tears; my spirits, exhausted by sickness, were not proof against
this unexpected blow; a heavy sigh burst from my heart, that gave me a
little relief. You know my mother is rigid in her notions of virtue; and
I was determined to shew her that I would endeavour to imitate her. I
therefore suppressed the swelling passion in my breast, and, with as
much composure as I could assume, told her, I thought she acted as
became her; and that, with regard to Mr Faulkland, my opinion of his
conduct was such, that I never desired to see him more. This answer,
dictated perhaps by female pride (for I will not answer for the feelings
of my heart at that instant), was so agreeable to my mother, that she
threw her arms about my neck, and kissed me several times; blessing, and
calling me by the most endearing names at every interval. Her tenderness
overcame me; or, to deal with sincerity, I believe I was willing to make
it an excuse for weeping. Oh! my dear mother, cry'd I, I have need of
your indulgence; but indeed your goodness quite overpowers me. My dear
love, said she, you deserve it all, and more than it is in your mother's
power to shew you. What a blessed escape have you had, my sweet child,
of that wild man! Little did I think, my Sidney, when I told you the
story of my first disappointment, that a case so parallel would soon be
your own. With respect to you and me indeed, the incidents are nearly
alike; but there is a wide difference between the two men. My lover had
the grace to repent, and would have returned to his first engagements,
if a dreadful malady had not overtaken him; but this graceless Faulkland
persists in his infidelity, and would make you as culpable as himself. I
own to you, daughter, that the recollection of that melancholy event
which happened to me, has given me a sort of horror at the very thoughts
of a union between you and Mr Faulkland. You remember the sad
consequences which I related to you of an infidelity of this kind; the
poor forsaken woman died of grief, and the dishonest lover ran mad.
Think of this, my child, and let it encourage you to banish such an
unworthy man from your heart. I was afraid your regard for him might
make this a difficult task; but I rejoice to find your virtue is
stronger than your passion. _I_ loved as well as you, but I overcame it
when I found it a duty to do so; and I see your mother's example is not
lost upon you.
The honest pride that my mother endeavoured to inspire me with, had a
good effect, and kept up my spirits for a time. She told me, she was
sure that Sir George would quarrel with us both, when we came to talk
upon the subject of the marriage; but she was entirely easy as to that,
now she knew that _my_ sentiments corresponded with her own.
You know my mother has ever been despotic in her government of me; and
had I even been inclined to dissent from her judgment in a matter of
this importance, it would have been to no purpose; but this was really
far from my thoughts.
I was as much disgusted with Mr Faulkland as she was, and as heartily
pitied the unhappy young creature whom he had undone.
You may recollect, my dear, that my mother, tho' strictly nice in every
particular, has a sort of partiality to her own sex, and where there is
the least room for it, throws the whole of the blame upon the _man's_
side; who, from her own early prepossessions, she is always inclined to
think are deceivers of women. I am not surprized at this bias in her;
her early disappointment, with the attending circumstances, gave her
this impression. She is warm, and sometimes _sudden_, in her
attachments; and yet it is not always difficult to turn her from them.
The integrity of her own heart makes her liable to be imposed on by a
plausible outside; and yet the dear good woman takes a sort of pride in
her sagacity. She had admired and esteemed Mr Faulkland prodigiously;
her vexation was the greater, in finding her expectations disappointed;
and could I have been so unjust to the pretensions of another, or so
indelicate in regard to myself, as to have overlooked Mr Faulkland's
fault, I knew my mother would be inflexible. I therefore resolved in
earnest to banish him from my thoughts. I found my mother was mightily
pleased with her own management of the conversation she had held with Mr
Faulkland. I think I talked pretty _roundly_ to him, said she; but there
was no other way; he is an artful man, and I was resolved not to let him
wind me about. He would make a merit of having _formed no designs_ upon
the young lady; why, possibly, he did not, till he found the poor soul
was so smitten with him, that he thought she would be an easy prey. Sir
George impudently insinuated, that a man _must_ not reject a lady upon
these occasions. I was ashamed to hint to Mr Faulkland at the
circumstance of his having actually paid a price for the girl; it was
too gross; and I think, had I mentioned it, must have struck him dumb:
though very likely he might have had some subterfuge, even for that
aggravating part of the story.
How I am shock'd, my Cecilia, to think of this! I was glad my mother had
spared his confusion on this particular; for though probably, as she
observed, he had come prepared with some evasion to this charge, yet
what a mean figure must a man make, who is reduced to disingenuous
shifts, to excuse or palliate an action, despicable as well as wicked!
My brother came in, during our discourse, to ask me how I did. My mother
answered his question before I had time to speak. She is pretty well,
thank God! and not likely to break her heart, though she _knows_ your
friend Mr Faulkland's story (and she spoke it scornfully). My brother
said, Sidney, Are _you_ as averse to Mr Faulkland as my mother is? I
replied, Brother, I wonder you can ask me that question, after what you
have been just now told. I always said, answered he, that you did not
know the value of the man, and now I am convinced of it. I wish he had
never seen you! I wish so too, said I. Sir George walked about the room,
and seemed vexed to death. For Heaven's sake, madam, (turning to my
mother) now my sister is tolerably recovered, suffer her to see Mr
Faulkland; let her hear what he has to say in his own vindication: I
think you may trust to her honour, and her discretion; and if the affair
appears to her in so heinous a light as it does to you, I will be
contented to give Mr Faulkland up; but don't shut your own ears, and
your daughter's too, against conviction.
Sir, you are disrespectful, said my mother angrily. Dear brother, I
cry'd, I beg you will spare me on this subject; my mother _has_ given me
leave to judge for myself; she has repeated all that you have said, and
all that Mr Faulkland has been able to urge on the occasion; and I am
sorry to tell you, that I think myself bound never to have any farther
correspondence with him; therefore you must excuse me for not seeing
him. And so the match is broke off, cry'd Sir George. _It is_, said my
mother peremptorily. It is, echoed I faintly. Why then, replied Sir
George (and he swore), you will never get such another whilst you live.
A pretty figure you'll make in the world, when you give it for a reason
that you refused _such_ a man, after every thing was concluded upon,
because truly you found that he had had an intrigue! Why, Sidney, you'll
be so laugh'd at! He addressed himself to me, though I knew he meant the
reproof for my mother. Sir, answered she, neither your sister nor I
shall trouble ourselves much about the opinion of people who _can_ laugh
at such things. You may put the matter into as ridiculous a light as you
please: but this was no common intrigue; _you know_ it was not, however
you may affect to speak of it. I don't suppose _any_ of you are
_Saints_, but I trust in Heaven, some are better than others. Oh! madam,
madam, said my brother, if you knew the world as well _I_ do, you would
think that Mr Faulkland is one of the best. God forbid! my mother
answered coolly. Well, well, madam, cry'd Sir George, I see it is to no
purpose to argue; there are many families of more consequence than ours,
and ten times the fortune, that will be very proud of Faulkland's
alliance; and will hardly make it an objection to him, that he was led
into a foolish scrape by the wickedness of one woman, and the folly of
another. If you make my sister wait for a husband, till you find a man
who never offended in that way, I think, mother, you had better take a
little boy from his nurse, breed him up under your own eye, and by the
time Sidney is a good motherly gentlewoman, you may give her the baby to
make a play-thing of. For my own part, I am heartily sorry I ever
interfered.--People of such nice scruples had better chuse for
themselves; but I cannot help thinking, that both Faulkland and I are
very ill used. I told you (said my mother to me) how he would behave.
Sir George, I desire you will not distress your sister thus (She saw me
sadly cast down: I was ill and weak): if you have no respect for _me_,
have a little tenderness for her.--I beg your pardon, child, said he, I
did not mean to distress you, I pity _you_, indeed Sidney. I could have
cry'd at his using that expression, it humbles one so. Madam (to my
mother), you shall be troubled no farther by my friend or myself; all I
shall say is this, that whenever my sister gets a husband of your
ladyship's chusing, I wish he may have half the worth of the poor
rejected Faulkland.
My brother left the room with these words. My mother was downright in a
passion, but soon cooled on his withdrawing.
My spirits were quite fatigued; and my mother left me, that I might take
a little rest.
What a strange alteration have a few days produced! our domestic peace
broke in upon by the unlucky difference between my mother and my
brother. My near prospect of--of--oh! let me be ingenuous, and say
Happiness, vanished--Poor Mr Faulkland! _Poor_ do I call him? for shame,
Sidney--but let the word go; I will not blot it. Mr Faulkland forbid the
house, myself harassed by a cruel disorder, and hardly able to crawl out
of bed. All this fallen on me within these last fourteen black days.
Then I dread the going abroad, or seeing company, I shall look so silly;
for the intended wedding began to be talked of;--and the curiosity of
people to know the cause of it's being broke off--What wild guesses will
be made by some, and what lies invented by others! Then the ill-natured
mirth of one half of the girls of my acquaintance, and the _as_
provoking condolements of the other hand--I am fretted at the thoughts
of it--but it cannot be helped; I must bear it all--I wish I were well
enough to get into the country, to be out of the reach of such
impertinence.
I long to know who this ill-fated girl is, that has been the cause of
all this. _A gentlewoman, and very pretty; one that loves Mr Faulkland,
and will shortly make him a parent._ Thus my mother described her to Mr
Faulkland, and he assented to it. Oh! fie, fie, Mr Faulkland, how could
you be so cruel to _her_? How could you use _me_ so ill? and Sir George
knew of all this, and makes light of it! it is a strange story! My
mother is severe in her virtue, but she is in the right--My brother
would sacrifice every consideration to aggrandize his family--To make a
purchase of the unhappy creature, and that without her knowlege too, it
is horrid! Away, away from my thoughts, thou vile intruder--Return to
your Bath mistress, she has a better right to you than I have; she
implores your pity; she has no refuge but you; and she may be every way
preferable to me--I wish I knew her name, but what is it to me; _mine_
will never be Faulkland, _hers_ ought. Perhaps Mr Faulkland may be
induced to marry her, when he sees her in her present interesting
situation. He says he will provide a retreat for her; to be sure he will
have the compassion to visit her: and then who knows what may happen?
If I know my own heart, I think I do most sincerely wish he may make her
his wife; but then I would not chuse to have it known suddenly; that
might look as if he forsook me for her. _That_, I own, would a little
hurt my pride. I wish not the truth to be known, for Mr Faulkland's
sake; but then I should not like to have a slur thrown on me.
I will add no more to this, but send the packet off at all events; I
think it will find you at Paris.
_August 1_
My health promises to return: my mother praises me, and calls me a
Heroine. I begin to fancy myself one: our pride sometimes stands in the
place of virtue.
Sir George went to Richmond yesterday. We have scarce seen him since the
tift he had with us the other day. What strange creatures these men are,
even the best of them! and how light they make of faults in one another,
that shock us but to think of!
My mother takes his behaviour very ill: he staid all night with his
friend, and returned to town this morning: he only looked into my room,
to ask me how I did: my mother was sitting with me. I believe that
hindered him from coming in; for he looked as if he wanted to speak to
me. He bowed to my mother, but said not a word; he went abroad again as
soon as he was dressed, and did not come in till late. I fear his
conduct will oblige us to separate; for my mother will not brook any
liberties to be taken with her: she hinted as much, and said she
believed Sir George was tired of living regularly.
She anticipated the request I intended to make to her, of letting me go
out of town; for she said, as soon as I was able, I should remove into
the country for a while. Sidney Castle is too long a journey for me at
present to think of undertaking, and she talks of going into Essex, on a
visit to Lady Grimston, which we have long promised her. I shall like
this better than going down to Wiltshire, where the want of my Cecilia
would make my old abode a melancholy place, especially at this juncture.
_August 4_
Sir George continues sullen and cold to us: he never has had an
opportunity of saying any thing particular to me since the day he said
so much. My mother scarce ever leaves me; he seems nettled at this. I
believe he would endeavour to work on _me_, as he knows the attempt
would be vain in regard to _her_. As I am now well enough to receive the
visits of our intimate acquaintance, I am never without company. I am
really in pretty good spirits, and bear my disappointment (as I told you
I would) very handsomely. I never hear Mr Faulkland's name mentioned, no
more than if such a man did not exist. We are to set out for lady
Grimston's house on Tuesday; it is but twenty miles from London; and I
am already strong enough to bear a longer journey.
My mother told Sir George, that if he liked it, the house we are now in
was at his service during her time of it, of which there are some months
to come; for she said, she meant to go directly home from Essex. Sir
George thanked her, but did not say whether he would accept of her offer
or not.
_August 5_
I have been obliged to turn away my poor Ellen. She was so imprudent as
to receive a letter for me from Mr Faulkland's man, contrary to my
mother's express commands. She brought it to me, and I gave it to my
mother unopened; who put it directly into the fire without reading it,
and told me it would oblige her, if I would part with the servant who
had presumed to take it after her prohibition. I instantly obeyed, and
have just discharged her. I should have a sad loss of her, only I am in
hopes of having her place well supplied by an old acquaintance and
play-fellow of ours, poor Patty Main; her father is dead, and she is
obliged to go to service, for he has left a widow with six children. The
eldest son, you remember, served his time to his father, and is just now
setting out in business; but a young surgeon in a country town must take
some time to establish himself; though he is a very worthy youth, and I
hear clever in his profession.
Patty came to town last week with a lady from our neighbourhood, who
applied to my mother to recommend the girl to wait on some person of
fashion. My mother has been looking out for a suitable place for her;
but she told me today, she thought I could not do better than take her
to myself; I shall be very glad to have her, for she is an amiable young
woman.
_August 6_
We go out of town at seven o'clock to-morrow morning, as we are to dine
at Grimston-hall, and purpose going at our leisure. I will steal a few
minutes from sleep, though it is now very late, to give you a short
scene which passed in my chamber about an hour ago.
Sir George (who, according to his late custom, had been abroad all day)
came into my room, where my mother and I were sitting together. He asked
us, Did we hold our purpose of going out of town next day? Yes,
certainly, my mother said. And you intend going from lady Grimston's to
Sidney Castle? We do. Then, madam (to my mother), as it is the last
trouble you are likely to have from Mr Faulkland, I hope you will not
refuse to read this letter, which he has sent you; and he took one out
of his pocket, and presented it to her. She did not make an offer to
receive it, but answered, Sir George, it is to no purpose for Mr
Faulkland to sollicit me; you know I don't easily alter my resolutions
when once they are fixed: he has given himself an unnecessary trouble;
pray excuse me: it was not handsome of him to write to my daughter,
after he knew my sentiments. You need not be afraid of fresh
sollicitations, madam, said my brother; I knew enough of your _firmness_
(and he spoke the word firmness reluctantly, as if he would rather have
used another, perhaps less respectful term); I knew enough to assure
Faulkland there was not the least hope left for him; and though I do not
know the subject of that letter, I can venture to assure you, it is not
intended to move you in favour of his pretensions: this he declared to
me, before I would take the letter from him; but what puts it past
doubt, is, that he set out this very evening from London, in order to
embark for Germany. I could not help breathing a sigh when Sir George
said this; but no body heard me. He still held the letter in his hand,
and again offered it to my mother; you need not be afraid of it, madam;
I presume it may be no more than to take a civil leave of you. I wish
him well, said my mother, taking the letter; if that be all, what he
says may keep cold; and she put it into her pocket without opening.
This being the eve of our journey, some little domestic matters, which
my mother had to settle, called her out of the room. Sir George took
that opportunity to ask me, whether my mother had shewed me the letter
which he had received from Mr Faulkland while he was at Bath, relative
to that cursed affair, as he called it. I told him, my mother had
repeated great part of the contents of it to me; and that the principal
observation she had made, was not favourable to _him_, on account of his
being made the confidant of such an affair.
I am very sorry for your sake, Sidney, said he, that our mother is of so
inflexible a temper; you have lost by it, what you will have reason to
regret as long as you live. Such amazing obstinacy! such unaccountable
perverseness! I do not want to shake your filial obedience; but I, for
my own part, think that nothing but infatuation can account for your
mother's conduct--Does she want a man without passions? Or have _you_
filled your head with such chimærical notions as to--I interrupted him
(for my brother is not always nice in his choice of words);--Dear Sir
George, say no more; I am very well contented as I am. I will not
increase your uneasiness, said he, by telling you what Faulkland has
suffered on this occasion. If ever love was carried to adoration, it was
in the breast of that generous, charming fellow--but you have lost
him--and I have lost him; thanks to my wise scrupulous mother for that.
I begged of him to drop the subject. My mother came in to us again. Sir
George bid us good night, and wished us a good journey. The parting was
cool enough. I am glad, however, there is not a total rupture. I believe
he will continue in our house in town for a time, at least.
Patty Main, who gladly accepted of the offer of my service, came home to
me this evening. She is grown very tall and genteel. I hardly know how
to treat her as a servant; but the good girl is so humble, that she does
all in her power to make me forget that I ever knew her in a better
situation; but in this she fails of her purpose, for it only serves to
remind me the more strongly of it: she is so ready, and so handy, that
she does twenty little offices that do not belong to her place, and
which are not expected of her. My mother is exceedingly pleased with
her, and says it is such a happiness to have about me a young person
virtuously brought up, that she almost considers her as one of the
family.
_Grimston-hall, August 8_
We arrived here yesterday, and met a most friendly reception from the
lady of this mansion. But before I say any more of her, I will hasten to
a more interesting subject. I have got Mr Faulkland's letter to my
mother; she has just put it into my hands; and while she walks in the
garden with lady Grimston, I will make haste to transcribe it. Thus it
is:
Madam,
I submit to the sentence you have passed on me. I am miserable,
but do not presume to expostulate. I purpose leaving England
directly; but would wish if possible (a little to mitigate the
severity of my lot), to convince you, that the unhappy rejected
man, who aspired to the honour of being your son-in-law, is not
quite such a criminal as he now appears to you.
To Sir George's friendship I know I am much indebted for
endeavouring to vindicate me. It was not in his power, it was not
in my own; for you saw all which I, in unreserved freedom, wrote
to him on the subject of my acquaintance with Miss B.
I have but one resource left; perhaps, madam, you will think it a
strange one. To the lady herself I must appeal. She will do me
justice, and I am sure will be ready to acknowlege that I am no
betrayer of innocence, no breaker of promises; that I was
surprized into the commission of a fault, for which I have paid so
dear a price.
Her testimony, madam, may perhaps have some weight with you;
though I propose nothing more by it, than that you may think of me
with less detestation. You have banished me from your presence: I
am a voluntary exile from my country, and from my friends: submit
to the chastisement, and would do anything to expiate my offence
against you and Miss Bidulph. There is but _one_ command which you
can possibly lay on me, to which I would not pay a perfect and
ready obedience; but that act, perhaps, is the _only_ one which
would make me appear worthy of your esteem.
The lady whom it has been my ill fate to render unhappy, and by
whom I am made unutterably so, will, ere long, come to a house at
Putney, which I have taken on purpose for her. I have placed in it
my housekeeper, a grave worthy woman, under whose care she will be
safe, and attended with that secresy and tenderness which her
condition requires.
I have written to her a faithful account of every thing relative
to my hoped-for alliance with your family, and the occasion of the
treaty's being broken off. As she must, by this means, know that
your ladyship is acquainted with her story, I have told her, that,
perhaps you might, from the interest you took in her misfortune,
be induced to see her in her retirement. Let me, therefore,
conjure you, madam, by that pious zeal which governs all your
actions, and by the love you bear that daughter so deservedly dear
to you, to take compassion on this young lady. She has no friends,
nor any acquaintance in this part of the kingdom; her situation
will require the comfort of society, and perhaps, the advice of
wisdom. It will be an act worthy of your humanity to shew some
countenance to her.
I think she will be in very good hands with the honest woman who
waits her coming; but if any thing should happen otherwise than
well, it would make me doubly wretched.
To one who has no resources of contentment in her own bosom,
solitude cannot be a friend; this I fear may be the lady's case;
and this makes me with the more earnestness urge my request to
you. Forgive me, madam, for the liberty I take with you; a
liberty, which, though I confess it needs an apology, yet is it at
the same time a proof of the confidence I have in you, which I
hope will not affront either your candour or your virtue.
If you will condescend to grant this request, I shall obtain the
two wishes at present most material to my peace; the one to secure
to the lady a compassionate friend, already inclined to espouse
her cause; the other, to put it in your power to be satisfied from
the lady's own mouth, of the truth of what I have asserted. I
trust to her generosity to deal openly on this occasion.
I wish you and Miss Bidulph every blessing that Heaven can bestow,
and am, with great respect,
Madam,
Your ladyship's
Most obedient humble Servant,
ORLANDO FAULKLAND.
P.S. The lady will go by the name of Mrs Jefferis: you will pardon
me for not having mentioned her _real name_. I never yet told it
even to Sir George; but I presume she will make no secret of it to
you, if you honour her with a visit.
Poor Orlando! unhappy Miss B! I could name a third person, that is not
_happy_ neither. What a pity it is, that so many good qualities, should
be blotted by imperfections! how tender is his compassion for this poor
girl! how ingenuous his conduct! but still he flies from her. I fear she
can never hope to recover him. There is but _one_ thing, he says, which
_he would not do; the only act, perhaps, by which he could make himself
appear worthy of my mother's esteem_. The meaning of this but too
plainly shews him determined against marrying Miss B. I don't know any
thing else which would reconcile my mother to him.
I make no doubt of her complying with Mr Faulkland's request in seeing
the lady; she is very compassionate, particularly to her own sex.
What a _strange resource_ indeed is this of Mr Faulkland's, to appeal to
the lady herself! What am I to judge from it, but that the unfortunate
victim, ignorant of the treachery that was practised against her by her
wicked aunt, and that her destroyer paid a _price_ for her dishonour,
exculpates him from the worst part of the guilt, and perhaps, poor easy
creature, blames her own weakness only for the error which a concealed
train of cunning and perfidy might have led her into?
But even supposing Miss B. were generous and candid enough (and great
indeed must be her candour and generosity) to justify this guilty man,
What would it avail? Did not my mother tell me she conceived a _sort of
horror at the bare idea of an union between Mr Faulkland and me_? This
arises from the strong impression made on her by the unlucky event which
blasted her own early love. Strong and early prejudices are almost
insurmountable.
My mother's piety, genuine and rational as it is, is notwithstanding a
little tinctured with superstition; it was the error of her education,
and her good sense has not been able to surmount it; so that I now the
universe would not induce her to change her resolution in regard to Mr
Faulkland. She thinks he _ought_ to marry miss B. and she will _ever_
think so. I wish he would; for I am sure he never can be mine. The bell
rings for breakfast; I must run down. My mother came up to dress just
now, and stepped into my room. I returned her the letter, and she asked
me, What I thought of Mr Faulkland's request? madam, you are a better
judge of the propriety of it than I am. I shall have no objection to
seeing the unhappy lady, said she, since it seems he has apprised her of
my knowlege of her affairs. I am glad he has the grace to shew even so
much compassion for her: perhaps it may be the beginning of repentance,
and time may work a thorough reformation in him, if God spares him his
life and his _senses_. You see which way my good mother's thoughts
tended. I did not, she added, intend to return to London again; but this
occasion, I think, calls upon me; and I believe I shall go for a while,
in order to see and comfort this poor young creature. She cannot yet be
near lying in; and I suppose she will not come to the house Mr Faulkland
speaks of, till she can no longer remain undiscovered at home; so that a
month or two hence will be full soon enough for me to think of going to
town.
I saw my mother rested her compliance with Mr Faulkland's request,
merely on one point; that of compassion to the girl. As for the other
motive, said she, the hearing him justified from the _Lady's own mouth_,
I am not such a novice in those matters, but that I know when a deluding
man has once got an ascendency over a young creature, he can coax her
into any thing. Too much truth I doubt there is in this observation of
my mother's.
But it is time to say something of lady Grimston. My Cecilia has never
seen her, though I believe she has often heard my mother speak of her.
They are nearly of an age, and much of the same cast of thinking; though
with this difference, that lady Grimston is extravagantly rigid in her
notions, and precise in her manner. She has been a widow for many years,
and lives upon a large jointure at Grimston-hall, with as much
regularity and solemnity, as you would see in a monastery. Her servants
are all antediluvians; I believe her coach horses are fifty years of
age, and the very house-dog is as grey as a badger. She herself, who in
her youth never _could_ have been handsome, renders herself still a more
unpleasing figure, by the oddity of her dress; you would take her for a
lady of Charles the first's court at least. She is always dressed out: I
believe she sleeps in her cloaths, for she comes down ruffled, and
towered, and flounced, and fardingal'd, even to breakfast. My mother has
a _very_ high opinion of her, and says, she _knows more of the world_
than any one of her acquaintance. It may be so; but it must be of the
old world; for lady Grimston has not been ten miles from her seat these
thirty years. 'Tis nine years since my mother and she met before, and
there was a world of compliments passed between them; though I am sure
they were sincerely glad to see each other, for they seem to be very
fond. They were companions in youth, that season wherein the most
durable friendships are contracted. I believe her really a very good
woman; she is pious and charitable, and does abundance of good things in
her neighbourhood; though I cannot say I think her amiable. There is an
austerity about her that keeps me in awe, notwithstanding that she is
extremely obliging to me, and told my mother, I _promised to make a fine
woman_. Think of such a compliment to one of almost nineteen. My mother
and she call one another by their christian names; and you would smile
to hear the two old ladies (begging their pardons,) _Lettying_ and
_Dollying_ one another. This accounts to me for lady Grimston's thinking
_me_ still a child; for I suppose she considers herself not much past
girl-hood, though, to do her justice, she has not a scrap of it in her
behaviour.
_August 10_
All our motions here are as regular as the clock. The family rise at
six; we are summoned to breakfast at eight; at ten a venerable
congregation are assembled to prayers, which an ancient clergyman, who
is curate of the parish, and her ladyship's chaplain, gives us daily.
Then the old horses are put to the old coach; and my lady, with her
guests, if they chuse it, take an airing; always going and returning by
the same road, and driving precisely to the same land-mark, and no
farther. At half an hour after twelve, in a hall large enough to
entertain a corporation, we sit down to dinner; my lady has a grace of a
quarter of an hour long, and we are waited on by four truly venerable
footmen, for she likes state. The afternoon we may dispose of as we
please; at least it is a liberty I am indulged in, and I generally spend
my time in the garden, or my own chamber, till I have notice given me of
supper's being on the table, where we are treated with the same
ceremonials as at dinner. At ten exactly, the instant the clock strikes
the first stroke, my lady rises with great solemnity, and wishes us a
good night.
_August 14_
You cannot expect, in such a house as this is, my dear, that I can be
furnished with materials to give you much variety. Indeed these four
last days have been so exactly the same in every particular, excepting
that the dishes at dinner and supper were changed, that I had resolved
to hang up my pen till I quitted Grimston-hall, or at least resign it to
Patty, and let her plod on and tell you how the wind blew such a day;
what sort of a mantua lady Grimston had on such a day (though by the way
it is always the same, always ash-coloured tissue); what the great dog
barked at, at such an hour, and what the old parrot said at such a time;
the house and the garden I have exhausted my descriptive faculties on
already, though, they are neither of them worth describing; and I was
beginning to despair of matter to furnish out a quarter of an hour's
entertainment, when the scene began to brighten a little this auspicious
day, by the arrival of a coach full of visitors. These were no other
than a venerable dean, who is the minister of our parish, his lady and
daughter, and a Mr Arnold, a gentleman who is a distant relation of lady
Grimston's. He has a house in this neighbourhood, and is just come to
an estate by the death of his elder brother.
This visit has given me hopes that I may now and then have a chance for
seeing a human face, besides the antiques of the family, and those which
are depicted on the arras. Though not to disparage the people, they were
all agreeable enough in their different ways. The old dean is good
humoured and polite; I mean the true politeness, that of the heart,
which dictates the most obliging things in so frank a manner, that they
have not the least appearance of flattery. Being very near sighted, he
put on a pair of spectacles to look at me, and turning to Mr Arnold,
with a vivacity that would have become five-and-twenty, he repeated
'With an air and a face,
'And a shape and a grace, &c.'
The young man smiled his assent, and my mother looked so delighted, that
the good-natured dean's compliment pleased _me_ for _her_ sake. Lady
Grimston, who is passionately fond of musick, has a very pretty organ in
one of her chambers; Mr Arnold was requested to give us a lesson on it,
which he very readily obliged us with. He plays ravishingly; the
creature made me envious, he touched it so admirably. I had taken a sort
of dislike to him when he first came in, I cannot tell you why or
wherefore; but this accomplishment has reconciled me so to him, that I
am half in love with him. I hope we shall see him often; he is really
excellent on this instrument, and you know how fond I am of musick.
_August 15_
This packet is already so large that I am sure it will frighten you. I
will therefore send it off before I increase it; especially as I am now
so much in the hum-drum way, that I ought, out of policy, to make a
break in my narrative, in order to encourage you to read it. Positively,
if things do not mend, and that considerably too,--Patty shall keep
the journal, for I find myself already disposed to sleep over it.
_August 20_
I have looked over what Patty has writ for the five last days; upon my
word she is a very good journalist, as well as amanuensis; and she has
given you, to the full, as good an account of matters and things as I
could.
My time passes rather more tolerably than I expected. The dean's family
seem to have broke the solitary _spell_ that hung over the house, and we
have company you see every day. Mr Arnold never fails. I always make him
play; he is very obliging, and, if he were not good natured, I should
tire him.
_August 22_
I have had a letter from Sir George; he mentions not Mr Faulkland; I too
am endeavouring to forget him. When my mother goes to London, I will try
to prevail on her to let me go down to Sidney-castle. I have no
inclination to go to town, and less to stay here. We are to have a
concert to-morrow, at Mr Arnold's house. My lively good old dean touches
the bass viol, his daughter sings prettily; I am to bear my part too; so
that we begin to grow a little sociable.
_August 30_
Are you not tired of my Grimston journal, my Cecilia? Day after day rolls
on, and the same dull repetition! Lady Grimston, the Dean, and Mr
Arnold, perpetually! there is no bearing this, you cry. Well, but here
is a new personage arrived to diversity the scene a little. Lady
Grimston's daughter, a sweet woman; but her mother does not seem fond of
her. It amazes me, for she is perfectly amiable, both in temper and
person; she is a widow of about eight and twenty. Lady Grimston appears
to treat her with a distance very unmaternal; and the poor young woman
seems so humbled, that I pity her. She is come but on a visit, and we
shall lose her in a week, for which I am very sorry, as I have taken a
fancy to her.
_September 1_
Poor Mrs Vere! that is the name of Lady Grimston's daughter. I can now
give you the cause of her mother's coldness to her; I had it from
herself; she told me her little history this evening in the garden, with
a frankness that charmed me.
How happy you are, dear Miss Bidulph, said she! you seem to be blessed
with one of the tenderest of parents. I am indeed, I answered; she is
one of the best of mothers, and the best of women. She sighed, and a
tear started into her eye; I too was happy once, said she, when my
indulgent father lived. I hope, madam, Lady Grimston is to you, what my
good mother is to me. She shook her head: No, Miss Bidulph, it must be
but too obvious to you that she is not. I should not have introduced the
subject, if the cold severity of her looks were not so apparent that
you must have taken notice of them. My mother is, undoubtedly, a very
good woman; and you may naturally suppose, that my conduct has been such
as to deserve her frowns; I will therefore tell you my melancholy,
though short story. It is now about twelve years since Mr Vere paid his
addresses to me. He was the eldest son of a gentleman of family and
fortune, who then lived in this country. I was about sixteen, and the
darling of my father; who was perhaps the more indulgent to me, as he
knew my mother's severity. Mr Vere was but two years older than myself,
and a childish courtship had gone on for some time between us, before it
was suspected by any body; and to say the truth, before I was well aware
of the consequences myself. It happened, that an elderly gentleman of a
great estate, just at that time saw and liked me, and directly made
proposals to my mother, as she was very well known to hold the reins of
government in her family.
This offer, I suppose, was advantageous; for she immediately consulted
my father upon it, or rather gave him to understand that she meant to
dispose of her daughter in marriage.
My father, who had no objection to the match, told her he was very well
satisfied, provided I liked the gentleman; but said, he hoped she would
not think of putting any force on my inclinations. My eldest sister had
been married some time before by my mother's sole authority, and quite
contrary to her own liking; the marriage had not turned out happily, and
my father was resolved not to have me sacrificed in the same way.
My mother told him, she was sorry he had such romantic notions, as to
think a girl of my age capable of having any ideas of preference for one
man more than another; that she took it for granted I had never presumed
to entertain a thought of any man as yet, and supposed her precepts had
not been so far thrown away upon me, as that I could let it enter into
my head that any thing but parental authority was to guide me in my
choice.
My father, from the gentleness of his nature, had been so accustomed to
acquiesce, that he made no other reply than to bid my mother use her
discretion. He came directly to me notwithstanding, and told me what had
passed. It was then, for the first time, that I discovered I loved Mr
Vere. I burst into tears, and clinging round my father's neck, begged of
him to save me from my mother's rigour. My gesture and words were too
passionate for him not to perceive that there was something more at my
heart than mere dislike of the old man. He charged me to deal
sincerely. I loved him too well, and was myself too frank to do
otherwise. In short, I confessed my inclination for Mr Vere, and his
affection for me.
Though my kind father chid me gently for admitting a lover without his
or my mother's approbation, yet at the same time he told me, he would
endeavour to dissuade her from prosecuting the other match; though he
could wish, he said, I would try to bring myself to accept of it;
adding, he was afraid my mother would be much incensed by a denial.
My mother was fond of grandeur; and would not like to have me marry any
one, who could not at once make me mistress of a fine house, and a fine
equipage; which I knew I must not expect to be the case with Mr Vere.
His father had several children, and was very frugal in his temper:
besides, as he was but of the middle age, and of a very healthy
constitution, his son's prospect of possessing the estate was, to all
human appearance, at a very great distance.
These discouragements, however, did not hinder me from indulging my
wishes. My father's tenderness was the foundation on which I built my
hopes. I told Mr Vere the designs of one parent, and the kind
condescension of the other. Emboldened by this information, he ventured
to disclose his love to my father, begging his interest with my mother
in his favour. He had a great kindness for the youth, and was so fond of
me, that he would readily have consented to my happiness, if the fear of
disobliging my mother had not checked him. He represented to her in the
mildest manner, the utter dislike I had expressed of the proposed match,
and conjured her not to insist on it. My mother, unused to be
controuled, was filled with resentment both against him and me; she
said, he encouraged me in my disobedience; and that, if he did not unite
his authority to hers, in order to compel me to marry the gentleman she
approved of, it would make a total breach between them.
My good father, who loved my mother exceedingly, was alarmed at this
menace. Unwilling to come to extremities either with her or me, he was
at a loss how to act. His paternal love at length prevailed, and he
determined, at all events, to save me from the violence which he knew
would be put upon my heart.
My mother had never condescended to talk to me on the subject: she
thought my immediate obedience ought to have followed the bare knowlege
of her will. She forbad me her sight, and charged me never to appear
before her, till I came with a determination to obey her.
However severe this prohibition was, I yielded to it with the less
reluctance, as my father's tender love made me amends for my mother's
harshness. Perhaps, had she vouchsafed to reason a little with me,
tempering her arguments with a motherly kindness, she would have found
me as flexible as she could wish; but the course she took had a very
contrary effect. I thought myself persecuted, and that it was for the
honour of my love to persevere. On the other hand, my father's secret
indulgence encouraged me in the sentiments I entertained, and I now
determined, not only to refuse my old lover, but to have my young one.
My mother had given me a stated time in which I was to come to a
resolution, and if I did not, at the expiration of it, acquiesce, I was
to be pronounced a reprobate, and to be no more considered as her child.
In this emergency I had recourse to my father. I told him there was
nothing which I was not ready to suffer, rather than marry the man I
hated: my greatest affliction was the uneasiness I saw him endure on my
account; for my mother reproached him daily with my obstinacy.
My father said, he thought the alternative offered by my mother, was to
be avoided but in one way, and that was, by marrying Mr Vere; For, added
he, when she finds you resolute in your refusal of her choice, not even
my paternal authority will be able to screen you from her severity, and
your life will be made miserable, without your father's being able to
relieve you. On the other hand, when you are out of her house, she
cannot distress you, nor prevent me from doing you the justice which I
owe my child. Nay, possibly in time, I may be able to work out a
reconciliation between you; but she must not know that I was consenting
to this marriage, lest an irreconcileable quarrel should ensue. I fell
at my father's feet, and embraced his knees, for this tender and
unexpected proof of his affection.
Mr Vere's father was no stranger to his son's attachment, and we were
very sure he would readily come into the proposal which my father
intended to make.
The two parents had a meeting secretly, where all the terms of portion
and settlement were speedily and privately adjusted. Mr Vere the father,
who had been long intimate in our family, knew very well the necessity
there was for keeping the secret. After this, my lover and I were to be
married privately, without the knowlege, seemingly, of any one in either
family, excepting one of the Miss Veres, who was to be present; and
when the time of my probation was expired, my father was to let my
mother into the knowlege of this affair, as a thing he had just
discovered; and to pacify her anger as well he could.
Every thing was conducted in the manner proposed. I was married with the
utmost privacy, and continued in my father's house till the day arrived,
when I was to give my definitive answer.
Unfortunately for me, my mother chose to receive it from my own mouth,
and called me into her presence. I appeared before her trembling and
terrified: I had not seen her for a fortnight, and I was in dread, lest
the discovery I had to make, should banish me her sight perhaps for
ever, unless my father might influence her in time to forgive me. She
asked me, with a stern brow, What I had resolved on? I had not courage
to make her an answer, but burst into tears. She repeated her question;
and I could only reply, Madam, it is not in my _power_ to obey you. She
did not comprehend the meaning of my words, but imputing them to
obstinacy, commanded me to leave the room, and not to see her face till
I came to a proper sense of my duty; at the same time ordering me into
my chamber, where I was to be locked up.
I flew to my father, and conjured him to let my mother know the truth at
once, that I might be no longer subject to such harsh treatment; for I
knew the being sent home to my husband would be the consequence of her
being told that I had one.
My poor father was almost afraid to undertake the task, though he had
been the chief promoter of my marriage, and his authority ought to have
given sanction to it. He ventured however to let her know, that I had
confessed to him what my fears of her immediate resentment would not
suffer me to discover whilst I was in her presence; and what my aversion
to the man she proposed to me, and the rigours I had been threatened
with, if I refused him, had driven me to. The rage my mother flew into,
was little short of phrenzy, and my father made haste to send me out of
the house.
Mr Vere's whole family received me with great tenderness; but I was
sorry at leaving my father, whose visits to me were made but seldom, and
even those by stealth.
My situation, though I was united to the man I loved, and caressed by
all his family, was far from being happy. My mother's inflexible temper
was not to be wrought upon, notwithstanding my father did his utmost to
prevail on her to see and to forgive me; and she carried her resentment
so far, that she told my father, unless he cut me off entirely in his
will, she was determined to separate herself totally from him. This was
an extremity he by no means expected she would have gone to.
In a fit of sickness, which had seized him a few years before, he had
left me ten thousand pounds; five of this he had secretly transferred to
Mr Vere on the day of my marriage, and had promised him to bequeath me
five more at his death.
In consequence of this disposition, he purposed making a new will, so
that he the less scrupled giving my mother up the old one, with a
promise of making another agreeable to her request.
My mother's jointure was already settled on her; my eldest sister had
received her portion; so that there was little bequeathed by this
testament, but my fortune, and a few other small legacies.
My mother tore the will with indignation, and not satisfied with my
father's promise, insisted on his putting it into execution immediately.
In short, his easy temper yielded to her importunities, and he had a
will drawn up by her instructions, in which I was cut off with one
shilling, and my intended fortune bequeathed to my eldest sister. My
mother was made residuary legatee to every thing that should remain,
after paying all the bequests. This would have amounted to a
considerable sum, if the half of my portion, which was already paid
without her knowlege, had not made such a diminution in the personal
estate, that after paying my sister the whole of what was specified in
the will, there was scarce any thing likely to remain.
Had my mother known this secret, she would not perhaps have been so
ready to have made my father devise all my intended fortune to my
sister. My father, who was aware of this, durst not however inform her
at that juncture, how much she hurt herself, by forcing him to such
measures. She insisted upon his leaving the whole of what he designed
for me to my eldest sister; as well as to convince him, she said, that
she had no self-interested views, as to be an example to other
rebellious children.
My father had no remedy on these occasions, but a patient acquiescence:
the will was made, and my mother herself would keep it.
My father took an opportunity the same day to inform me what he had
done, but assured me, he would immediately make another will, agreeable
to his first intentions, and leave it in the hands of a faithful friend.
This was his design; but alas he lived not to execute it. He was seized
that night with a paralytic disorder, which at once deprived him of the
use of his limbs and his speech. They who were about him believed he
retained his senses, but he was not capable of making himself understood
even by signs. Alarmed with this dismal account of my beloved father's
situation, I flew to the house without considering my mother's
displeasure; but I was not permitted to see him. I filled the house with
my cries, but to no purpose; I had not the satisfaction of receiving
even a farewell look from him, which was all he was capable of bestowing
on me.
He languished for several days in this melancholy condition, and then,
in spite of the aid of physic, expired.
The loss of this dear father so entirely took up my thoughts, that I
never reflected on the loss of the remaining part of my fortune; but it
was not so with my father-in-law. There had been a settlement made on me
in consequence of the fortune promised; though not equal to what it
demanded, yet superior to the half which was paid. He relied on my
father's word for the remainder, and had no doubt of its being secured
to him, knowing his circumstances, as well as his strict integrity, and
that my sister had actually received the same fortune which I was
promised.
Mr Vere had four daughters, and it was on this fortune he chiefly
depended to provide for them.
The news of my being cut off with a shilling exceedingly surprized and
exasperated him. Unluckily I had not mentioned to him, nor even to my
husband, the will which my father had been obliged to make. The
assurances he gave me, of immediately making another in my favour,
prevented me; as I thought it would only be a very severe proof of my
mother's enmity to the family, which I could have wished to conceal from
them; especially as I did not imagine it would have affected me
afterwards. Mr Vere the elder was from home when my father died, and his
business detained him for more than a month after his funeral was over.
My husband, on this occasion, shewed the tender and disinterested love
he bore me; he affected to make as light as possible of this unexpected
disappointment, but at the same time expressed his uneasiness, lest his
father should carry matters to an extremity with my mother, from whom we
knew we were to expect nothing by mild methods.
It was now thought adviseable, that I should write to my mother, to
condole with her on my father's death; again to intreat her forgiveness
of my fault, and, as some mitigation of it, to acknowlege that it was
not only with my father's privity, but even with his consent and
approbation, that I had married.
I wrote this letter in a strain of the utmost humility, without
mentioning a word of my fortune; _that_ I thought it would be time
enough for me to do, if I could prevail on my mother to see me, and
would at all events come better from my husband or his father, than from
me. But I gained nothing by this, only some unkind reflections on my
father's memory, and a message, that since he thought proper to marry
his daughter in a manner so highly disagreeable to her mother, he should
have taken care of providing for her; as he could not expect a parent,
so disobliged as she had been, would take any notice of me.
My mother had been left sole executrix to my father's forced will; and
she took care to put my sister, and the other legatees, into possession
of what was bequeathed to them in a very short time after his decease.
She found there was an unexpected deficiency in his personal fortune,
insomuch that there was barely enough to pay his debts; and that her
being left the residue, after the specified legacies were paid, amounted
to nothing. On the contrary, had my father's just intentions taken
place, in leaving me five thousand pounds, she would have come in for
the other five; but the whole ten thousand now went to my sister.
She was not long however at a loss to know how this came to pass. Mr
Vere determined to assert his own, and his son's right; and being
exceedingly provoked at my mother's behaviour, wrote to her immediately
on his return home; and having informed her of the settlement made on
me, on account of the fortune already paid, and what was farther agreed
on to be paid by my father, told her, he expected that this promise
should be punctually fulfilled. He said, he knew she had it in her power
to do this; and since it was by her contrivance I had been robbed of my
just right, if honour, and the duty of a parent, would not induce her to
make me proper amends, she must excuse him, if he made use of such means
as the laws allowed him, in order to compel her.
Such a letter, to a woman of my mother's temper, met with such a
reception as might be expected. She tore it before his messenger's face;
and desired him to tell his master, that as what he had already obtained
was by fraud, so he was at liberty to make use of force to recover the
remainder; but with her consent, he never should have a single
shilling.
This exasperating reply, made my father-in-law directly commence a suit
against her, in which the other legatees were made parties. The distress
I felt on this occasion is scarce to be imagined; the breach was now so
widened between my mother and my husband's family, that there remained
not the least hope of its ever being closed. Mr Vere unwillingly joined
with his father in pursuit of these measures. He would for my sake much
rather have yielded up his expectations, than supported them at the
expence of my quiet; but his father's will, and justice to the rest of
his family, compelled him to proceed, and deprived me of any pretence
for interposing.
The law-suit was carrying on with great acrimony on both sides, when an
event happened, that made me then, and has indeed ever since, look with
indifference on every thing in this life; it was the death of my
husband. He was snatched from me by a violent fever, before he reached
his twentieth year.
I will not pretend to describe my sufferings to you on this sad
occasion; they were aggravated by my being near the time of lying-in.
Whatever affliction Mr Vere felt for the death of his only son, it did
not make him forgetful of what he owed his daughters; and he was
resolved to carry on the law-suit with the utmost vigour.
You may suppose the house wherein I had lost a beloved husband appeared
a dismal place to me, especially in my present situation. I thought too,
my father's looks began to grow colder to me than they used to be; and I
begged I might have his permission to remove for a while. He did not
oppose it, and I went, at the pressing intreaties of your favourite, the
good old dean, to his house; where he and his lady behaved to me with
more than parental tenderness. My health was in so declining a way, that
this worthy man (as I have since learned) made several applications to
my mother to see me, but without success. At length the hour of my
delivery arrived, and I was brought to-bed of a dead female child. The
estate, in case of Mr Vere's dying without issue, devolved on his
sisters; and I was in hopes that this circumstance, so favourable to the
young ladies, would have induced their father to have been less rigorous
in persisting in his claim. But in this I was deceived; he loved money,
and was besides full of resentment against my mother. I thought however
of an expedient, which I flattered myself might work upon him; and by
good fortune it succeeded.
Mr Vere, though I had left his house, visited me constantly, and kept up
a shew of tenderness, which I am sure he had not in his heart. I told
him one day, whilst I was still confined to my bed, that as I had now
lost both my husband and my child, a very moderate income would be
sufficient for me; and that as I valued my mother's peace of mind,
beyond any selfish consideration, I was very willing to give up half my
jointure, provided he would drop his suit. Mr Vere seemed surprized at
the proposal: he said, he wondered I could be so blind to my own
interest, and that all he was doing was purely for my sake. I thanked
him for his pretended friendship, but assured him, he could serve me no
way so effectually, as by coming into the measure I proposed. Mr Vere
said, I talked like a child; but he would consider of it. The following
day he called on me again, and told me, that to make me easy, he was
willing to come into my proposal; that he would have the proper
instruments drawn, by which I would relinquish half my jointure; and he
in consequence to give up all claim on my father's estate.
I was much better pleased, at this losing agreement, than if I had
acquired a large accession of fortune.
Mr Vere soon got the proper deeds ready, and they were executed in form.
I now relapsed into an illness, from which I was supposed to have been
quite recovered, and my life was thought in great danger. I have since
been told, that Mr Vere repented his agreement at that juncture, and
told some of his friends, that if he had not been so hasty, he should
have had a chance for my jointure and my fortune too.
I begged of the dean to go to my mother, and use his last efforts on
her, to prevail with her to see me and forgive me before I died; at the
same time, I sent her the release I had procured from Mr Vere, which I
knew was the most acceptable present I could make her. The dean urged
the danger I was in, without its seeming to make much impression on her.
I am willing to believe, that she thought the dean exaggerated in his
account of my illness. He owned to me himself, that he was shocked to
find her so obdurate. At length, he took the paper out of his pocket,
and presenting it to her, I am sorry, madam, said he, I cannot prevail
with you to act like a parent or a christian; your daughter I fear will
not survive her present malady; but she will have the comfort to
consider, that she has left nothing unattempted to obtain that
forgiveness, which you so cruelly deny her. I hope, lady Grimston, your
last hours may be as peaceful, as hers I trust will be from this
reflection. There, madam--she has by that instrument left you
disengaged from a troublesome and vexatious law-suit, that would, if
pursued, infallibly turn out to your disadvantage; it was all she
_could_ do, and what few children, used like her, _would_ have done.
My mother, a great deal alarmed at the dean's manner of speaking, now
examined the contents of the paper. She seemed affected, and called him
back, as he was just leaving the room. She told him, she was not lost to
the feelings of nature; and that if he thought her presence would
contribute to ease my mind of the remorse it must needs labour under,
she was not against seeing me.
The good man, glad to find her in this yielding disposition, told her
she could not too soon execute her intention; and pressed her to come to
his house directly. She suffered him to put her into his coach, and he
carried her home with him. The interview, on my side, was attended with
tears of joy, tenderness, and contrition. My mother did not depart from
her usual austerity; she gave me but her hand to kiss, and pronounced
her forgiveness and her blessing in so languid a manner, as greatly
damped the fervor of my joy.
She staid with me not more than a quarter of an hour, and having talked
of indifferent things, without once so much as mentioning what I had
done, she took a cold and formal leave.
This interview, as little cordial as my mother's behaviour was to me,
had so good an effect on me, that I began perceptibly to mend from that
hour. She sent indeed constantly to enquire how I did; but avoided
coming, lest, as she said, she should meet with Mr Vere, whom she could
never forgive. As soon as I was in a condition to go abroad, I went to
pay my duty to her. She received me with civility, but no tenderness;
nor has she ever from that time made me the least recompence for what I
have lost; her permitting me to see her, she thinks sufficient amends.
I did not chuse to return to Mr Vere's house, as I had only a polite,
not a kind invitation. One of his daughters, she who had been present at
my marriage, and who always had shewn most affection towards me, was
about this time married to a gentleman, whose estate lay in another
country. When the bride went home, she pressed me to go with her so
warmly, that I could not refuse her; and during the time I staid with
her, I received so many marks of tenderness from her, that I resolved to
settle in her neighbourhood; and have now a little house near her, where
I have resided constantly ever since. I come once or twice a year to pay
a visit to my mother, but my reception, as you may see, is always cold,
and I seldom stay more than a few days.
Old Mr Vere is dead; and his daughters, who were coheiresses to his
estate, are all married, so that the family is intirely dispersed; but
notwithstanding this, and the number of years that have passed over
since my marriage, my mother cannot yet endure the name of the family:
and always, as you may have observed, calls me by my maiden name.
I was much affected at the story of the amiable Mrs Vere. The sweet
melancholy, which predominates in her countenance, shews that the
spirits, when broken in the bud of youth, are hardly to be recovered.
What a tyrant this lady Grimston is! I did not admire her before, but I
now absolutely dislike her. What a wife and a mother has she been to a
husband and a daughter, who might have constituted the happiness of a
woman of a different temper! And yet she passes for a wonderful good
woman, and a pattern of all those virtues of a religion, which meekness
and forgiveness characterise. She is mistaken, if she thinks that
austerity is necessary to christianity. The most that my charity allows
me to believe of such people is, that they impose on _themselves_, at a
time when the most discerning perhaps think that they are endeavouring
to impose on others.
What an angel is my good mother, when compared to this her friend, whom
her humility makes her look upon as her superior in virtue! I am very
angry with Sir George, who in his resentment, said to me once, that she
was like lady Grimston. I then knew but little of that lady's character,
or I should have reproved him for it.
I conjured Mrs Vere to make her visit longer than she had at first
intended. She told me, she would most gladly do it; but that it was a
liberty she did not dare to take, unless her mother asked her to prolong
it; which, she said, she possibly might do, in complaisance to me.
_September 4_
My mother I find has made lady Grimston her confidant in relation to my
affairs; the dear woman never keeps her mind to herself on any subject.
Lady Grimston highly applauds her conduct in that business; and bestowed
a few civil words on me for my filial duty, intermixed with an
ungrateful comparison of her own daughter's behaviour. And she condoled
with herself, by saying, that _good parents_ had not always _good
children_. She told my mother, that she wished to see the child (meaning
me) happily disposed of; for that, notwithstanding the prudence of my
behaviour, the world would be apt to cast reflections on me, on account
of the abruptness with which the match was broken off, without the true
reasons being known: and my illness, she said, might be imputed to the
disappointment; which might incline people to suspect the rejection had
been on Mr Faulkland's side. What a provoking hint was this my dear! it
has really alarmed my mother, who depends much on the judgment of her
friend, and has at the same time so nice a regard to the honour of her
family. I wish that formal old woman would mind her own business.
_September 6_
My mother and lady Grimston have had abundance of private confabulation
these two days, from which Mrs Vere and I are excluded. I wish there may
not be some mischief a brewing. One thing, however, has given me
pleasure; lady Grimston has invited her daughter to stay at
Grimston-hall as long as my mother and I continue here.
Mrs Vere tells me, she suspects the subject of their conferences; but
she is perverse, and will not tell me what she thinks, for fear, as she
says, she should have guessed wrong, and her surmises would only teaze
me.
_September 10_
A packet sent me from London--A letter from Sir George--one from my
Cecilia--and so soon too! Welcome, welcome, thou faithful messenger,
from the faithfullest of hearts!
Thou dear anticipating little prophetess! What put it into thy head to
call Mr Arnold a new conquest, upon my but barely mentioning him to you?
I was just going to tell you all; and behold your own whimsical
imagination has suggested the most material part to you already. You
desire me to be sincere: was that necessary, my sister, from _you_ to
_me_? You say, you are _sure Mr Arnold is, or will be my lover_, and
insist on my being more particular in my description of him. What a
strange girl you are! again I ask you, What put this into your head?
What busy little spirit of intelligence flew to you with the news before
I knew it myself? For as to the fact, it is but too certain.
This has been the subject of my mother's and lady Grimston's private
conferences; and Mrs Vere (sly thing as she is) guessed it. It seems Mr
Arnold disclosed his passion to lady Grimston, in order to ask her
advice about it. She loves mightily to be consulted; and ill-starred as
I am, did me the honour to recommend me strongly to him; and she has
prepossessed my mother too in favour of this new man. I wish the
meddling old dame had been dumb. Now shall I go through another fiery
tryal! Heaven help me, if lady Grimston were to be my judge! But my
mother is all goodness.
Well, but you want a description of this man. I will give it to you,
though I have scarce patience to write about him. Indeed, Cecilia, I am
vexed; I foresee a great deal of trouble from that quarter.--But come, I
will try what I can say.
The man is about thirty, genteel, and handsome enough; at least he is
reckoned so, and I believe I should think him so, if I were not angry
with him. He is very like your brother Henry; and you know he is an
allowed handsome man. He seems to have plain good sense, and is good
humoured I believe: I do not know of what colour his eyes are, for I
never looked much at him. Lady Grimston says he is a _scholar_ (a thing
she pretends to value highly), and a mighty sober, pious, worthy
gentleman. He is of a very good family; and has an estate of about
fifteen hundred pounds a year, upon which there is a jointure of three
hundred pounds a year, paid to his brother's widow. Part of the estate
is in Kent, and part in this county of Essex, where he has a
mansion-house, a well-enough looking old-fashioned place, something in
the Grimston-hall stile, at about a mile distance from this; where he
passes most of his time.
I have told you already, he plays divinely on several instruments; this
is the only circumstance about him that pleases me.
He has not yet made his addresses to me in form; yet we all know that he
intends it, from his uncommon assiduity towards me; but he has a sort of
reserve about him, and loves to do every thing in his own way.
Bless me!--here he is--his chariot has just driven into the court; and
Mrs Vere peeps in upon me, and with a most vexatious archness, bids me
come down to the parlour; but I will not, unless my mother desires me. I
will go into the garden, to be for a while out of the way.
_September 11_
Yesterday evening was productive of nothing but looks and compliments,
and bows, and so forth; except two or three delightful pieces of musick,
which he executed incomparably. But, this morning, my Cecilia, Oh! this
morning! the man spoke out, told me in down-right plain English, that he
loved me! How insipid is such a declaration, when it comes from one,
who is indifferent to us! I do not know how it was, but instead of being
abashed, I could have smiled in his face when he declared himself; but
you may be sure I did not, that would not have been pretty.
I was sitting in the little drawing-room, reading, when he came in. To
be sure he was sent to me by the ancient ladies, otherwise he would not
have intruded; for the man is not ill-bred. The book happened to be
Horace; upon his entering the room, I laid it by; he asked me politely
enough, what were my studies. When I named the author, he took the book
up, and opening the leaves, started, and looked me full in the face; I
coloured. My charming Miss Bidulph, said he, do you prefer this to the
agreeable entertainment of finishing this beautiful rose here, that
seems to blush at your neglect of it? He spoke this, pointing to a
little piece of embroidery that lay in a frame before me. I was nettled
at the question, it was too assuming. Sir, I hope I was as innocently,
and as usefully employed; and I assure you I give a greater portion of
my time to my needle, than to my book.
You are so lovely, madam, that nothing you can do needs an apology. An
apology, I'll assure you! did not this look, my dear, as if the man
thought I ought to beg his pardon for understanding Latin? For this
accidental, and I think (to a woman) trivial accomplishment, I am
indebted, you know, to Sir George; who took so much pains with me, the
two or three summers he was indisposed at Sidney Castle.
He then proceeded to tell me how much he admired, how much he loved me!
and that having been encouraged by lady Grimston's assuring him that I
was disengaged (observe that), he presumed to tell me so. Oh! thought I,
perhaps thou are thyself a Grimstonian, and do not think it necessary
that the heart should be consulted. I answered him mighty civilly, and
mighty little to the purpose. Sir, I thank you for your favourable
sentiments--Lady Grimston does me a great deal of honour--I think myself
happy in her good opinion--But he was not to be so put off, he pressed
me to give him hopes, as he called it. Alas! I have no hopes to give
him. He said, he would not presume to mention his love to my mother,
though Lady Grimston pressed him to it (it was like her), till he had
first declared himself to me. This was not indelicate; my heart thanked
him for it, though I only returned him a bow. We were seasonably (to me
at least) interrupted here, by the arrival of my friend the dean. He had
come to see lady Grimston, just as Mr Arnold had entered into
conversation with me; the old gentleman had a mind to walk in the
garden; the little drawing-room, where we were, opened into it, by a
glass door; so that lady Grimston and my mother were obliged to bring
him that way. Though I was glad that the conversation was broke off, yet
I could have wished that I had first had an opportunity of throwing a
little cold water on Mr Arnold's _hopes_, lest he should have put too
favourable an interpretation on the reception I gave him, and mention
the thing to my mother, before I had time to speak to her.
I was in some confusion at their entering the room. Mr Arnold had at
that time laid hold of one of my hands, and I had but just time to
withdraw it, when the door flew open to give entrance to the two ladies
and the good man: the latter lifting up both his hands, as if conscious
of having done something wrong, with a good-humoured freedom, asked
pardon; but with a look that seemed to indicate, he thought the apology
necessary both to Mr Arnold and me. This disconcerted me more; my mother
smiled, and lady Grimston drew up her long neck, and winked at the dean.
I took up my hat, that lay in a window, without well-knowing what I did,
and said, I would wait on them into the garden. Mr Arnold followed my
example; but looked at me, I do not know how--impertinently--as if he
thought I did not dislike him. I took one turn with them, and then
slipped away, under pretence of going in to dress. I ran directly into
Mrs Vere's room, and told her what had passed between Mr Arnold and me.
She laughed, and said, she could have told me long ago it would have
come to that. I knew Mr Arnold admired you, said she, the first time I
saw you in his company; he is no contemptible conquest I can tell you.
He assured my mother, that you were the only woman he ever saw in his
life that had made an impression on him; and I am inclined to believe
him, for he is not a man of an amorous complexion; nor did I ever hear
of his making his addresses to any one, though he might have his choice
of the best fortunes, and the best families in the country; for the
ladies, I must inform you, admire him exceedingly; and when you are
known to be his choice, you will be the envy of all the young women in
the country. I sighed, (I don't know why) and said, I desired not to
create envy on that account. Mrs Vere said, why really Miss Bidulph, if
your heart is at liberty, I know of no man more worthy of it than Mr
Arnold; but perhaps (looking with a kind earnestness on me) that may not
be your case. I told her, my heart was not engaged (as it really is not;
for indeed, Cecilia, I do not think of Mr Faulkland); but that I did
not find in myself any great inclination towards Mr Arnold. Oh! my dear,
said she, if you find no disinclination, it is enough. I married for
love, yet I was far from being happy. The vexation that I occasioned in
my own and my husband's family, was a counter-ballance to the
satisfaction of possessing the man I loved. Mr Arnold, besides being
very amiable in his person, has good sense, and good temper; and if you
marry him with nothing more than indifference, gratitude will soon
produce love in such a breast as yours. Were there anything like
aversion in your heart, then indeed it would be criminal in you to
accept of him.
Mrs Vere delivered her sentiments with such a calm sweetness, such a
disinterested sincerity, that what she said made an impression on me. We
are apt, contrary as it may seem to reason, to be more wrought upon by
the opinion and advice of young people like ourselves, than by that of
persons, whose experience certainly gives them a better right to form
judgments: but we have a sort of a natural repugnance to the being
dictated to, even by those who have an authority to do it; and as age
gives a superiority, every thing that comes from it carries a sort of
air of prescribing, which we are wonderfully inclined to reject.
Had lady Grimston said this to me, it would have put me upon my guard,
as suspecting a design on my liberty of choice. Even my good mother
might have been listened to on this subject not without uneasiness;
though my duty to her would not suffer me to give her a moment's pain,
unless I was sure that my eternal as well as temporal happiness was at
stake. I told Mrs Vere that I had no aversion to Mr Arnold; on the
contrary that if I had a sister, I should wish her married to him. Now,
my Cecilia, the mischief of it is, there _can_ be no reasonable
objection made to him: he is a very tolerable man; but I knew a man once
that I liked better--but fye fye upon him! I am sure I ought not to like
him, and therefore I will not. I am positive, if I were let alone, I
should be as happy as ever.
I told you I got a letter from my brother; he says in it, he has had one
from Mr Faulkland, who is now in your part of the world. He tells Sir
George, that 'if my lady Bidulph will be so good as to see Miss B. and
converse with her, he is not without hopes that she may so far exculpate
him, as to induce my lady to repeal his sentence of banishment.' Sir
George adds his own wishes for this, but says (to give you _his_ words)
he fears the wench will not be honest enough to do Faulkland
justice--Justice! what can my brother mean by this? How ungenerous
these men are, even the best of them, in love matters! He knows the poor
girl doats on her destroyer, and might perhaps take shame to _herself_,
rather than throw as much blame on him as he deserves. I think this is
all the justice that can be expected from her; and how poor an
extenuation would this make of his guilt! It would only add to the merit
of _her_ sufferings, without lessening his fault.
To what purpose then would it be? I know my mother's sentiments already
on that head. I would not shew Sir George's letter to her, he had said
so many ridiculous things about lady Grimston in it, which I know would
have offended her highly; otherwise, on account of Mr Faulkland's
paragraph, I should have been glad she had seen it.
_September 12_
Ah! my sister! my friend! What shall I do? Oh! that officious lady
Grimston--What ill star drove me to her house? Nothing would serve her
but she must know what Mr Arnold said to me in the drawing-room
conference; and how I had behaved. She made her enquiry before my mother
and the dean, after I had left them in the garden. What could the man
do? He had no reason to conceal what passed, and frankly owned he had
made me an offer of his heart. Well, and how did Miss receive it, asked
lady Grimston? With that modesty and polite sweetness that she does
every thing, answered Mr Arnold. He could say no less, you know.
He thence took occasion to apply particularly to my mother, apologizing
at the same time for his not having done it before. What the
self-sufficient creature added, I know not; for my mother, from whom I
had this account, did not repeat all he said; but it seems it was enough
to make her imagine I had not heard him reluctantly, and accordingly she
gave him her permission to win me and wear me.
I could cry for very vexation, to be made such a puppet of. This
eclaircissement I dreaded before I had time to explain myself to my
mother. That best of women, still anticipating what I had to say,
congratulated me on my extraordinary prudence, in not letting a childish
misplaced attachment keep such a hold on my heart, as to make me blind
to the merits of a more deserving object.
Dear madam, said I, sure Mr Arnold did not say that I had encouraged his
addresses. Encouraged, my dear! why sure the hearing, from a young lady
of your education, is encouragement enough to a man of sense.--I heard
him with complaisance, madam, because I thought _that_ due to him; that
it was my wish to remain single, at least for some time. My mother
looked surprized. 'Sidney, this is not what I expected from you; I
flattered myself you thought no longer of Mr Faulkland.'
She contracted her brow a little. Madam, I do not; indeed I think no
more of him; but may I not be permitted to continue as I am?
Had you never had any engagement with Mr Faulkland, answered my mother,
I should be far from urging you on this occasion; but, circumstanced as
you now, are, I think your honour is concerned.
Lady Grimston has put your affair in such a light to me, as I never
considered it in before. How mortifying must the reflection be, my dear,
to think that it may be said Mr Faulkland perhaps flew off, from some
disadvantageous circumstance he discovered in regard to you. The world
wants not envious malicious tongues enough to give it this turn. Your
unlucky illness, and your brother's ill-timed assiduity in going so
often to him when he was at Richmond, looks as if we had been
endeavouring to recall him. Every body knows the marriage was almost
concluded; and Lady Grimston, though she thinks our reasons for breaking
it off were extremely cogent, yet as she knows the world well, thinks it
has not virtue enough to believe those to be the true reasons, and that
it will be much more apt to put an invidious construction on the affair,
that may be very detrimental to you in your future prospects. These
considerations alone ought to determine you; but there is one still of
greater moment, which I hope, from the goodness of your heart, will have
still greater weight with you. That unfortunate young lady, who _ought_
to be the wife of Mr Faulkland, if you were once put beyond the reach
even of his most distant hope, would stand the better chance for having
justice done to her; at least it would leave him void of that pretence
which he at first pleaded, and which probably he will continue to do,
while you remain single. Think seriously of the matter, my love. I shall
only add, that Mr Arnold is every way an unexceptionable match, and that
your acceptance of him will be extremely agreeable to me; as, on the
contrary, your refusal will give an uneasiness to your indulgent mother,
which she never yet experienced from you.
She left me with these cruel words, cruel in their kindness--Oh! she
knows I am flexible by nature, and to _her_ will, yielding as air. What
can I do? My heart is not in a disposition to love--Yet again and again
I repeat it, Mr Faulkland has no interest there. What he once had he has
lost; but I cannot compel it to like, and unlike, and like anew at
pleasure. Fain would I bring myself chearfully to conform to my mother's
will, for I have no will of my own. I never knew what it was to have
one, and never shall, I believe; for I am sure I will not contend with a
husband.
I have told Mrs Vere what my mother said to me; she is intirely of her
mind; every body is combined against me; I am treated like a baby, that
knows not what is fit for it to chuse or to reject.
_September 15_
I have been searching my heart, my dear Cecilia, to try if there
remained a lurking particle of my former flame unextinguished; a flame I
call it, as we are allowed the metaphor, but it never rose to _that_; it
was but a single ray, a gentle glow that just warmed my breast without
scorching: what it might have arisen to I will not say; but I have the
satisfaction to find, that the short-lived fire is quite extinct, and
the mansion is even chilled with cold.
This was a very necessary scrutiny, before I would even entertain a
thought of Mr Arnold; and believe me, had I found it otherwise than I
say, I would rather have hazarded my mother's displeasure by owning the
truth to her, than injure any man, by giving him my hand with an
estranged heart.
I will acknowlege to you, my sister, that it was not without a struggle
I reduced my mind to this frame. My heart (foolish thing) industrious to
perplex itself, would fain have suggested some palliating circumstances
in Mr Faulkland's favour; but I forbid it to interpose. Trifler, said I,
let your guardian, your proper guide, judge and determine for you in
this important cause, whereupon so much of your future peace depends. It
sighed, but had the virtue to submit; and I arraigned Faulkland before a
little tribunal in my breast, where I would suffer reason only to
preside. The little felon, love, knocked at the door once or twice, but
justice kept him out; and after a long (and I think a fair) trial, he
was at length cast; and in order to strengthen my resolves, and justify
my mother's, as well as my own conduct, these are the arguments which I
have deduced from the evidences against him.
If Mr Faulkland feared the frailty of his virtue, why did he not fly
when he was first alarmed with the knowlege of the lady's passion for
him? If not for his own sake, yet at least for her's. If he could not
return her love, was he not cruel in suffering her to feed a hopeless
flame? But since his evil fate urged him on, and the unhappy girl lost
her honour, was he not bound to repair it? He had never seen me at that
time, was under no personal engagements to me, and might easily have
acquitted himself to my brother, from so justifiable a motive.
What if I had married him, ignorant of this secret, and it had
afterwards come to my ears, how miserable would it have made me, to
think that I had stood between an unfortunate young creature and her
happiness? For had Mr Faulkland never heard of me, had he not been
prejudiced in my favour, this young woman's beauty and innocence (which
he acknowleges) might have then engaged his honest vows; the wicked aunt
would not have been tempted to betray her trust, nor he (shocking
thought! whenever it recurs) to buy that favour he might have obtained
on virtuous terms. His prior engagements to my brother was the final
plea that undid them both! Had he not been furnished with this excuse,
her hopes might have supported her virtue; or, if ignorant of this, she
fell, what pretence could he offer, after the injury _was_ done, for not
fulfilling an obligation of so much importance? I could not have
suffered by not obtaining a man I never saw; Miss B. is undone by losing
him: Yet his word to Sir George, the breach of which could have been
attended with no ill consequence, was to be preferred to an act of
justice. This is that false honour upon which the men pique themselves
so much. An innocent child stigmatized; an amiable woman abandoned to
shame and grief! I thank Heaven I made not myself accessary to this.
_Had_ I married Mr Faulkland, _knowing_ his fault, I could not say so,
nor have blamed any thing but my own imprudence, if _I_ in my turn found
myself deserted. Who knows but he might (after having bound me in
chains), return to his neglected mistress; and _that_ love, which, when
it would have been meritorious in him, he disrelished, he might have
pursued with eagerness when interdicted. This might have been the case.
I believe you may remember an instance of it among our own acquaintance.
Mr Saunders, who refused a young lady for his bride, from an absolute
dislike of her person, took uncommon pains to debauch her when she
became the wife of his friend. Had Mr Faulkland so behaved, what a
wretch it would have made me! You know I have not a grain of jealousy in
my composition, yet I am sure a neglect of this kind would make me very
miserable.
You have not forgot, I believe, that about two years ago there was a
match proposed to my mother by the bishop of B. between me and his
nephew. The young man was heir to a good fortune, was reckoned handsome
and accomplished, and I think he really was so: I was intirely free from
prepossessions in favour of any one, and had no objection to him, but
that I knew he had a most lamentably-vulnerable heart, for he had been
in love with two or three women of my acquaintance. My mother mentioned
him to me upon the good old prelate's recommendation, and I gave her
this as my reason for disliking the offer, which she approved of so
intirely, that the thing went no farther. Indeed I think that woman is a
fool, who risques her contentment with one of a light disposition.
Marriage will not change men's natures; and it is not every one who has
virtue or prudence enough to be reclaimed. Upon the whole, I am
satisfied with my lot; and am sure I could hear with pleasure, that Mr
Faulkland was married to that Miss B. I wish I knew the other letters
that compose her name.
_September 16_
My mother asked me to-day, Had I considered of what she had been saying
to me? I told her I had, and only begged a little more time. She kissed
me, with tears in her eyes. To be sure, my dear, as much as you can
reasonably desire. I know my Sidney is above trifling. Mrs Vere was
present when my mother left the room. Oh! Miss Bidulph, said she, who
would refuse to gratify such a parent as that? Had _my_ mother
condescended to treat me so, I am sure she could have wrought on me to
do any thing she liked, even though it had been repugnant to my
inclination. Dear madam, I replied, how sweetly you inforce my
duty--Yes, I will obey that kindest best of mothers. I believe I spoke
this, tho' without intending it, in a tone that implied something like
making a merit of this concession; for Mrs Vere immediately answered,
There's a good child! that, to oblige its mamma, will accept of a very
handsome young gentleman, with a good estate, and one that many a girl
in England would give her eyes for. I felt the rebuke; but turning it
off with a smile, said, but you forget, my dear, that I am not dying for
him.
_September 20_
How will you plume yourself on your sagacity, Cecilia, when you read
this account of my love, which you so wisely foretold? I can tell you I
am trying to like Mr Arnold as fast as I can; I make him sing and play
for this purpose from morning till night, for he is here every day and
all day. Lady Grimston holds her head a quarter of a yard higher than
she did before; and looks, as who should say, it was _I_ that brought
this about. The dean is as frolick as May-day upon it; for he is very
fond of Mr Arnold; but tells him he will not forgive him for robbing him
of his second wife; for such, he says, he intended me. I think his
daughter (a pretty girl of about seventeen) looks a little grave of
late. I hope she does not like Mr Arnold herself. I wish my mother would
take it into her head that she was in love with him, and that Mr Arnold
had promised to marry her; then should I a second time crown me with a
willow garland. But there is no fear of this, or rather no hope.
Lady Grimston has given my mother _such_ a character of Mr Arnold, that
if you will take her word for it, there is not a man like him in the
world; and my mother firmly believes every syllable she says. She told
me to day she would write to Sir George, to give him an account of the
matter, and desire his advice. This is a compliment she would not omit
paying, for any consideration, tho' I know my brother's judgment has now
lost all credit with her; and that, let his opinion be what it will, she
is firmly resolved on her new plan. Knowing as you do my mother's
firmness, when once she is possessed with a thing, you will not wonder
that I did not make attempts to alter her mind, which I knew would be
fruitless. She likes Mr Arnold prodigiously; she piques herself on her
skill in physiognomy, and says, if she is deceived in this gentleman,
she will never again rely on that science. Lady Grimston is so fond of
him, that I wonder she did not marry him herself.
_September 23_
We have received two letters from Sir George; one in answer to my
mother's letter, the other to me. I will give them both to you: the
following is a copy of that to my mother.
Madam,
I thank you for the honour you do me in asking my advice, in
regard to the proposal of marriage you have received for my
sister; but I am entirely disqualified from giving you any, as I
am an absolute stranger both to the person and character of the
gentleman you mention; and know no more of him, than that I have
heard there _is_ such a person, who has some estate in the county
where you now you are.
As you are absolute mistress of your daughter's will, as well as
of her person, I shall not presume to interfere in this nice
point. If the marriage is not _already_ agreed upon (which may be
the case, notwithstanding the compliment you do me the favour to
pay me), I think it would be generous in you to see Miss B. and
hear what she has to say, before you proceed farther; but in this,
as in every thing else, your own discretion must guide you.
I am,
Madam,
Your affectionate son,
and most obedient servant,
GEORGE BIDULPH.
_London,
Sept. 22._
My mother was exceedingly displeased with this letter. She said Sir
George had a haughtiness in him that was very offensive to her. I have
acquitted myself in applying to him, and shall give myself no farther
trouble about him or his opinion. As for Miss B. I think she can hardly
be under a necessity of coming to town as yet, and that affair may keep
cold, for I have but little curiosity to hear what the poor Soul may be
prompted to say, as I am sure I shall be time enough to afford her any
assistance she may stand in need of. This was the whole of her
observation. My brother's letter to me is as follows:
Dear Sidney,
I received with concern (though I own not with surprize) an
account from my mother, of a new treaty of marriage that is on
foot between you and a Mr Arnold, of whom I know nothing. Instead
of congratulating you upon this occasion, I cannot help condoling
with you; for I have a better opinion of your heart than to
suppose it can have so soon renounced poor Faulkland. I do not
reproach you for your acquiescence in giving him up: I _know_ you
could not do otherwise; but why in the name of precipitancy are
you to be hurried into wedlock already? You went into the country
to recover your health, I thought; prithee, how comes this new
husband into your way? I know, child, it is not of your seeking,
and do from my heart pity you.
I would by no means have you guilty of a breach of duty to our
mother; but for Heaven's sake, why don't you try your influence
over her, to have this sudden scheme of matrimony suspended, till
she sees and talks to this girl that Faulkland refers her to? If
the wench owns that he was not to blame so much as she herself
was, and relinquishes all pretensions to him, don't you think she
(my mother I mean) would in that case remain bound in honour to
yield you to his prior claim?
Indeed, Sidney, I must blame you for this part of your conduct; it
looks like a strange insensibility in you.
I know you will urge your perfect submission to your mother's
will; and I know too, that _will_ is as absolute as that of an
Eastern monarch. I therefore repeat it, I do not mean to reproach
you with your compliance, but I am vexed to the heart, and must
give it vent.
I see plainly that old piece of formality, lady Grimston's
infernal shrivelled paw in all this. For my mother of herself, I
am sure, would not have thought of disposing of you, without your
liking, so soon after an affair that had created you so much
uneasiness, unless it had been suggested to her by somebody.
Prithee tell me what sort of man this Arnold really is, for I do
not depend on the partial representations I have had of him.
I wish Miss B. were come to town, but she is not yet arrived. I
enquired for her of Faulkland's housekeeper, by the name of
Jefferis. The woman is at the house at Putney waiting to receive
her, but does not know how soon she will come. Would she had been
buried before Faulkland saw her!
I shall expect a letter from you soon. How comes it that you never
mentioned Mr Arnold to me in any that you have writ? But I excuse
you, and am
Your affectionate brother,
G.B.
_London, Sept. 22._
You see this is Sir George himself, my dear, a mixture of petulancy and
indelicacy. There is one thing in him, however, commendable; his steady
adherence to his friend's interests. You find how impossible for me it
is to shew such a letter to my mother: by his strange unguarded manner
of writing, which he does not consider, he defeats his own purposes; for
if any use could be made of that part of his letter relative to Miss B.
I could not shew my mother part, without letting her see the whole: but
that is not to be done; and I can only thank my good fortune that I
received this, and the last letter from him, without her knowlege.
I will now give you my answer to this letter, which I wrote, by the
return of the post.
Dear Brother,
I thank you for your condolements, but can assure you my heart is
not in such a situation as to require any. I own I had all the
esteem for Mr Faulkland, which I thought his merit deserved. Duty
to my good mother, and an undeniable blemish in his character,
first wrought a change in my sentiments towards him: my own peace
of mind now requires me to improve that change into indifference.
You do me justice in supposing that I should never think of
seeking a husband; and you have formed as right a judgment in
regard to lady Grimston's being the promoter of this union. As for
Mr Arnold, though perhaps (had I never known your friend) he might
not have been the man of my choice, yet have I no dislike to him.
I believe him to be a very worthy gentleman; and that my mother
has not been partial in her representations. I am sure, at least,
she has said nothing of him but what she has seen, or been told,
and has good reason to believe.
I wish, dear brother, you had writ with more caution, that I might
have laid before my mother what you said in relation to Miss B. It
may have its weight with me, though I cannot answer for its having
any with her. Do you forget her having told me, that she conceived
a sort of horror at the thoughts of my marrying Mr Faulkland? She
cannot but be sensible, that Miss B. is not without her share of
blame in that affair, which has so perplexed us all. But you know
too that does not exculpate Mr Faulkland. The young lady's
relinquishing her hopes (for a claim I think she does not make),
would only the more excite my mother's compassion, and interest
her in her favour. To sum up the whole in one word, my mother is
resolved, and you yourself acknowlege that her will is absolute.
She has used the most irresistible argument to obtain my consent,
_viz._ that it would make _her_ happy. Spare then, my dear
brother, unkind reflections on any part of my behaviour; for I am
determined to pursue, through life, that rule of conduct, which I
have hitherto invariably adhered to; I mean that of preferring to
my own the happiness of those who are most dear to me.
I am, &c.
_September 25_
Mr Arnold has so many advocates here, that his interest cannot fail of
being promoted. Mrs Vere admires him; the Dean commends him; my mother
praises him; lady Grimston extols him to the skies. No one is silent,
but the young girl that I mentioned to you before; she only colours and
hangs down her head when he is spoken of. I really begin to fear that
the poor thing loves him; but he never made any addresses to her, and I
hope does not suspect it.
Things are now gone so far, that my mother and lady Grimston talked to
day of settlements. Mr Arnold receives but twelve hundred pounds a year
from his estate; his brother's widow, as I have already told you, having
a jointure upon it of three hundred pounds a year. She lives intirely in
London, and is, I am told, a very imprudent woman, and not at all
esteemed by the family. The elder Mr Arnold and she were married several
years, but never had a child; the last two years of his life his wife
and he lived separate, her conduct having given room for some
suspicions, very injurious to her husband's honour.
The Arnold estate was originally a very considerable one, but has been
dissipated by the extravagance of the successive possessors. What
remains, however, is quite clear, and is likely to be kept so by the
good management of the present owner. His late brother was exceedingly
remiss in his affairs, and spent most of his time in London; and if it
had not been for Mr Arnold, the mansion-house would have fallen to the
ground; but his brother lent it to him, and he kept it in repair for his
own use, as he is fond of the place: though he has a pretty house in
Kent, belonging to another estate of about three hundred pounds a year,
which came to him by his mother, for he is the son of a second marriage.
And this, till his brother's death, was the whole of his income; but he
is so good an oeconomist, that he always made a genteeler figure on his
three hundred pounds a year, than his brother did on twelve.
My mother, who you know is integrity itself, thinks that I ought not to
have more settled on me than the widow of Mr Arnold's brother had, whose
fortune was superior to mine. Mr Arnold makes a much handsomer proposal;
lady Grimston is for laying hold of it. The Dean was for striking a
medium. I do not care how they settle it; but I fancy my mother will
have her own way in this.
She purposes going to town next week, that the wedding--(bless me!
whose wedding is it that I am talking of so coolly?) well--that it may
be celebrated in her own house. This to be sure will send Sir George
directly out of it. I cannot help it; I am born to give, and to receive
vexation.
Mr Arnold speaks of taking a house in London, where my mother is to have
an apartment whenever she chuses to be in town. This is a pleasing
circumstance to me; and she likewise proposes our being sometimes with
her at Sidney-castle. That is a prospect which loses much of its charms,
by the reflection that my dear Cecilia is not there.
_October 1_
All preliminaries are settled. There has been a fuss with parchments
this week past. My mother has carried her point, in regard to the
jointure; and has made choice of that little estate in Kent to be
settled on me, as it is a complete three hundred pounds a year, detached
intirely from the rest, and has a pretty house on it. This was all she
would accept of, though, to do Mr Arnold justice, he would have been
much more liberal; but, my mother says, a single woman, bred in
retirement as I have been, who cannot live on that, does not deserve to
live at all; adding, that as the estate was already subject to one
jointure, and the widow so young a woman; if it should be also my
misfortune to become one early, a great part of the fortune would be
swallowed by dowagers, and the heir not have enough to support his rank.
_October 2_
This morning my mother, lady Grimston, the Dean, and Mr Arnold (who is
the idol of them all) took a rumbling together in the old coach, by way
of taking the air, in a dusty road; and what do you think was the result
of their deliberations in this jaunt? Why truly lady Grimston, proud of
her handy-work, would needs see it accomplished; and nothing will serve
her, but I must be married at her house. My mother opposed it at first,
but the Dean seconded the proposal, that he might have (as he expressed
himself) the satisfaction of contributing _himself_ to make Mr Arnold
happy; and Mr Arnold (audaciously expecting, I suppose, that this would
hasten the ceremony) joined his intreaties so effectually, that my
mother was obliged to yield.
What a tormenting old woman is this lady Grimston! I hoped, at least,
for the respite of a month, by getting to London. I thought first to
have delayed the time of our going to town, and then to have faddled
away a good while longer under pretence of preparations; though there is
but little room for that now, as all my fineries, destined I thought to
another purpose, are lying quietly in my trunks at home. But then one
might have contrived many little occasions of delay. There was a house
to be fixed upon, and I had twenty things to do, and, as my mother says,
many things fall out between the cup and the lip. But all my
expectations are blown away, and I have but one poor fortnight given me
to recollect my scattered thoughts, when they are all to be centered in
Mr Arnold. I am not merry, my Cecilia, but I am determined not to appear
sad; neither am I so; I hope I have no reason.
My mother purposes writing again to Sir George, to desire his presence
at my marriage. I hope he will behave respectfully to every one here, if
he should come.
_October 5_
Mr Arnold has writ to town, to bespeak a new chariot; he will do nothing
in regard to the house, till I am on the spot to please myself. I intend
sending Patty to town, to bring me down my bridal trappings.
Mr Arnold has given some necessary orders for the new decking of his
person, as well as some of the apartments in the old mansion-house,
which seem a little to want refurnishing; most of the goods having been
inhabitants there since the time of his great grandfather.
_October 9_
My mother's last letter to Sir George has produced the following answer,
which he sent by Patty, when she returned down here with my cloaths.
Madam,
I am sorry I cannot accept of the invitation you favour me with,
to be present at my sister's nuptials. Some affairs in Wiltshire
require my immediate attendance; and I had settled matters before
I received your summons, so as to set out as on this day. I wish
you all imaginable satisfaction in your new son-in-law; and my
sister abundance of happiness in her spouse.
I am, Madam, &c.
_London, October 8_
I am glad Sir George does not come down; I am sure if he did, his
behaviour would be such, as would render him no very acceptable guest at
Grimston-hall.
A week, but a short week, to come, before my fate is irrevocably fixed;
or revocable only by the hand of death! This reflection, solemn as it
is, does not alarm me; because, after again calling my heart to the
strictest account, I think I _can_ pronounce it intirely free. Mr Arnold
will soon have an indisputable right to it; and it is my firm purpose to
use my utmost endeavours to give him intire possession of it. He every
day gains upon my esteem. If his talents are not so glittering as I have
seen some others possessed of, he is nevertheless master of an
exceedingly good understanding, which a sort of diffidence in his manner
does not suffer him to shew at once to the best advantage. His temper is
extremely sweet, and he seems to have an openness of heart (when he
throws off a little shyness which he has contracted) that is exceedingly
engaging. His love for me appears as fervent as I believe it sincere;
and I should be ungrateful not to do my utmost to return it.
_October 14_
How precipitate has been my fortune? Twice within these three months
have I been almost at the eve of my intended nuptials. Those which
_were_ to have been, I thought as certain as those which are _now_ to be
solemnized within two days. Who knows what may still happen to frustrate
our present designs?--No--there is not another Miss B. to interpose. Mr
Arnold seems to be one of those who are born to pass quietly through
life. He has already attained to the age of thirty, without one event
ever happening to him, but such as happen to every man every day. May no
future storm ever interrupt his or my tranquility! for they will soon be
one and the same thing.
_October 16_
The die is thrown, my Cecilia, and thy Sidney is the wife of Mr Arnold!
This day we were married; the good Dean joined our hands, and his
daughter was one of my bride-maids. The poor girl was taken ill during
the ceremony, and was obliged to leave the church, which has confirmed
me in my suspicions--Oh! how I pity her! I believe indeed she only
feigned illness for an excuse to retire. Mrs Vere went out with her,
but she would not suffer her to attend her home. She promised to dine
with us, if she should be better; and so she did, and seemed chearful
and pretty well; but I thought she looked as if she had been crying. She
made my heart ache--but I am in hopes it is but a slight wound; she is
exceedingly lively, and, I dare say, will soon get the better of it.
Lady Grimston was downright tiresome with her compliments; and preached
an hour long about the duty of children to their parents; and how good a
wife that woman was likely to make, who had always been exemplary in her
filial obedience. Ah! lady Grimston, thought I, by what I have heard of
you, you did not seem to number obedience amongst wife-like virtues in
your own case, though you can preach it up to others. But I knew this
sermon was chiefly intended for poor Mrs Vere's use. My mother was all
kindness and complacency. She seemed so delighted, that I rejoiced in
having had it in my power to give her so much happiness. Lady Grimston
did the honours of her house on this occasion with great magnificence,
and I believe I need not tell you, with most exquisite decorum. Indeed
this wedding was conducted with such a decent festivity, so rationally
on all sides, and such a comfortable privacy, that I was not half so
much shocked as I expected to have been.
We have no company here besides the family of the house, my dear good
old Dean, his lady and daughter, one young lady more, and a relation of
Mr Arnold's; a gentleman who came from London on purpose to be present
on this (as it is called) joyful occasion.
We shall leave this house to-morrow, Mr Arnold and I, I mean. I am to be
put into possession of the old mansion of Arnold-abbey. My mother is to
continue with lady Grimston a week or a fortnight longer, and then she
goes to London on no other call, as she says, but to see and administer
comfort to poor Miss B. who she supposes will be by that time come to
her retreat.
I believe I shall remain in the country while the weather continues
pleasant, but am not yet determined.
_October 17_
We took leave of lady Grimston this morning, or rather of her house; for
her ladyship, my dear mother, and all the good folks that were our
guests at Grimston-hall, are to dine with us to-day at Arnold-abbey. I
desired I might be permitted to go home without any parade, and in as
private a manner as possible; for you know how I hate a bustle. Mr
Arnold very obligingly indulged me in this request, and conducted my
sweet Mrs Vere and me home in his coach, at eight of the clock this
morning. I found every thing in exact order at Arnold-abbey. The house
is very spacious and convenient, though very old-fashioned. Some of the
rooms, however, are newly fitted up, perfectly neat and handsome. The
servants are orderly and well-behaved, and every thing seems to be
exactly well regulated. You may be sure I have taken my own Patty home
with me; I intend to constitute her housekeeper, and give her an
additional salary for her additional trouble. Mr Arnold had nobody in
that capacity before, as his household had not been settled since the
acquisition of his fortune, and he reserved the chusing of so material a
domestic to me; but as I do not love to multiply servants, and know that
Patty is very capable of the place, I shall take no other.
_October 21_
Visitors still in abundance: all the gentry in the neighbourhood for
some miles about have been to pay us their compliments; at least, I hope
by this time they have _all_ been here, for we have not had a minute to
ourselves these three days. It will take me up ten to return them, as
many of the families live at a good distance from hence.
Mr Arnold, whose mourning has been laid aside since our wedding day,
seems to have a very good taste in dress; he is perfectly well shaped,
and appears to great advantage in colours; in short, he is more amiable
than I thought he was. It is with great pleasure that I observe my young
acquaintance, on whose heart I feared Mr Arnold had made an impression,
has recovered her usual vivacity. With people extremely full of spirits,
love is not apt to sink very deep, or last long, when it does not meet
with a return.
_October 30_
My mother sets out for London to-morrow, and Mr Arnold has proposed to
me, that he and I should accompany her. He says, he wants to look out
for a house, and should like to fix in one before the weather advances;
and that we may take up our abode at my mother's till our house is ready
for us. My mother is charmed at this proposal: she dreads the thought of
parting with me; and as she intends going (after a convenient stay in
London) down to Sidney-castle, if I remain here, our separation must be
immediate. I know this is Mr Arnold's kind reason for desiring me to go;
he thinks I shall be less affected at parting with my mother, when in
the midst of the various scenes which London affords, than I should be
if I were to continue here. He does not give this for a reason, but I
know it is his true one; for he is not fond of London himself,
especially at a season of the year, when the country is so much more
agreeable. I thanked him for this mark of his tenderness, and am
determined to go.
_October 31_
Once more returned to London in very good spirits, after a stay of
little more than two months in Essex, in which time so material and
unexpected a change has been made in my condition.
Lady Grimston took a most affectionate leave of my mother and asked her,
with more tenderness than I thought her capable of, How many ages would
it be before they should meet again? As for Mr Arnold and me, she
considers us her neighbours. The Dean pleases himself with that
expectation too; and the dear Mrs Vere, who shed tears at bidding me
adieu, promises herself the happiness (as she kindly expressed herself)
of spending many delightful days with me next summer. She set out on her
return to her own house, at the same time that we left ours to go to
town.
My brother is still in Wiltshire; but I find he did not leave town at
the time he mentioned in his letter to my mother, nor for some days
after. This Patty learnt from the servants; but I hope it will not come
to my mother's ears, for she would take it extremely ill of him.
Mr Arnold, for the first time, mentioned, that he was very much
disappointed in not having had the honour of seeing Sir George at his
house in the country; but he hoped, when he came to town, his brother
and he should make up for this, by being the more together. I wish Sir
George may behave as he ought to this deserving brother. Mr Arnold
little imagines how much he was an enemy to this match, and much less
his reason for it. I should be very sorry Mr Arnold were to know how
near I was being married to another man; it might give a delicate mind
pain, lest there should remain any traces of this former attachment in
the breast of the woman he loves; but I hope there is no danger of his
hearing of it, certainly no one would be so indiscreet as to mention it
to him. Mr Arnold has lived chiefly in the country, and may never have
heard of Mr Faulkland, as he was so short a time returned from his
travels, on which he had been absent more than five years; and as he is
now out of the kingdom, probably he will not be spoken of. I have begged
of my mother, who is naturally communicative, never to name Mr
Faulkland to Mr Arnold, and have given my reasons for desiring this. She
says, she thinks it would be better to tell him the whole affair at
once; but I cannot agree with her in that opinion; and have at last
prevailed on her to promise me she will not speak of it.
_November 2_
My mother drove out in my new chariot to-day (a very gay fine one it
is), and went to Putney, to enquire after Miss B. by the name of Mrs
Jefferis. She soon found the house, a very neat box, with a pretty
garden behind it. The door was opened by a servant maid; and my mother
being told the lady was at home, sent in her name; and was immediately
conducted up stairs into a very elegant little dressing-room, where the
lady was sitting at her toilet; and Mr Faulkland's housekeeper (whom my
mother had seen before) assisting to dress her head. On my mother's
entering the room, Miss B. rose off her chair, and soon discovered by
her shape (for she was without her stays), that it was high time for her
to seek a place of concealment. The housekeeper immediately withdrew;
and the young lady seemed in the utmost confusion; my mother says, she
herself was at a loss how to begin the conversation, but Miss B.
relieved her, and spoke first. She thanked her for the honour she did
her by so charitable a visit, which, she said, Mr Faulkland had long ago
made her hope for; and which she must consider as the greatest
consolation in her present unhappy circumstances.
My mother placed herself by her. Madam, said she, Mr Faulkland made it a
point with me before he left England, that I should see you, and afford
you all the assistance in my power, or that you should stand in need of.
You seem to be commodiously situated here, and I understand have a very
careful good woman to attend you.
I have so, madam, she answered; but the most material circumstance is
wanting to my relief: Mr Faulkland!--He is not here. Tears started into
her eyes as she spoke. You were apprised of his absence, said my mother,
before you came to town. I was, madam, and with the cause of it; she
hung down her head and was silent.
My mother reassumed the conversation. She told her, she thought it a
most providential discovery, that had given her the knowlege of Mr
Faulkland's ill behaviour, time enough to prevent his marriage with her
daughter; assuring her, she would not, for the universe, have had me the
wife of a man under such ties, as she must consider Mr Faulkland to be.
Miss B. brightned up a little upon my mother's saying this. Did Mr
Faulkland ever tell you, madam, how the unhappy affair happened? My
mother told her, she knew not particulars; that she had been referred to
her for a full explanation; that Mr Faulkland had always endeavoured to
excuse himself; and went so far as to say, He was sure the lady herself
would acquit him in a great measure. Ah! madam! Miss B. cried, and shook
her head. 'Tis as I suspected, said my mother, Mr Faulkland is an
ungenerous man. A young lady of your modest appearance, I am sure he
must have taken more pains to seduce, than he will acknowlege. Miss B
blushed exceedingly--Oh! madam, you have a charitable, generous heart, I
was _indeed_ seduced. I knew it, replied my mother. Did he promise to
marry you? She coloured deeper than before. I will not accuse him of
that, madam. My mother proceeded; You have a relation, madam; I
understand she was accessary to your misfortune. Yes, the barbarous
woman, answered the lady, she was the contriver of my destruction; and
if I could have avoided it, I would never have seen her face again.
Tears of grief and indignation again burst from her eyes. Have comfort,
madam, said my mother, all may end well yet. I can have no hopes,
answered Miss B. Mr Faulkland flies me, you see, nor can I ever expect
to recover his heart, since so charming a young lady, as I hear Miss
Bidulph is, has possession of it; and though your goodness disappointed
him in his late views, he may not yet despair. I found by this,
continued my mother, that Miss B knew nothing of your being married, and
made haste to tell her. I never saw joy so visible in a countenance. She
clasped her hands together; Dear madam! what do you tell me? How you
revive my drooping heart! then I am not _quite_ hopeless, there is a
_possibility_ in my favour.
She then asked my mother if Mr Faulkland had acquainted her with her
real name, or that of her relation. My mother, who had once or twice
called her by the name of Jefferis, assured her he had not. That was
generous in him, said she; he _can_ be generous in _some_ points. But I
have no reason to conceal it from so prudent and worthy a lady as you
are; my real name is Burchell; that of my cruel relation I will forbear
to mention, out of respect to my good uncle, whose wife she is. Mr
Faulkland, she added, left a Bill of five hundred pounds with his
housekeeper, to provide every thing for me that I should want; with
assurances that he would take the tenderest care of--the poor young
creature hesitated, and could proceed no farther; but my mother said she
understood her meaning. They had a good deal more discourse: my mother
promised to see her often during her confinement, and took her leave.
She tells me, she is extremely pretty, and has such an air of innocence
and simplicity, as very much engages one in her favour.
I have set down this whole conversation, with every other particular,
exactly as my mother related it.
She, who has a most circumstantial memory, repeated it word for word;
and I, from a custom of throwing upon paper every thing that occurs to
me, have habituated myself to retain the minutest things.
I know not, my dear, whether you will be of my opinion; but I cannot
help thinking, that there was something like art in Miss Burchell's
behaviour, far from that candour which Mr Faulkland seemed to expect
from her. My mother mentioned the _pains_ that she supposed had been
taken to _seduce_ her; her deep blush at this hint, makes me suspect
that her answer was not dictated by sincerity. She saw my mother was not
acquainted with the particulars, and that she was willing to pass a
favourable judgment on her fault; it looks to me as if she laid hold of
this prejudice--and yet she _owned_ that Mr Faulkland had never promised
to marry her--I know not what to think; but there appears to me, upon
the whole, something evasive and disingenuous in her conduct. My mother,
who is all openness and integrity, saw it not in this light. But be it
as it may, it is no longer of any consequence to me, which was most to
blame, the gentleman or the lady: Miss Burchell is certainly the injured
Person; perhaps I too may have wronged her in my surmises; if I have, I
beg her pardon; the observations I have made on her behaviour are only
_en passant_, and I do from my heart wish Mr Faulkland would make her
his wife. You may perceive, from what I have told you, how little this
interview was likely to produce in Mr Faulkland's favour, had it even
been brought about sooner. My mother is now more than ever confirmed in
her opinion, that the poor young creature has been deceived; and she
prays, that Mr Faulkland may not be overtaken with a judgment, which she
thinks nothing but his marrying the girl can avert.
_November 10_
We have at length fixed upon a house to our liking, a handsome
convenient one in St James's-street. We are preparing to get it
furnished as fast as we can, that we may go into it; for if my brother
should come to town, I know _our_ being with my mother will be an
objection to his lodging in her house: this I should be sorry for, as
she told him he might make use of it while it remained in her hands.
_November 15_
Thank my stars! I have got over the fatigue of receiving and paying a
second round of bridal visits, and I am really so tired of it, that,
uninviting as the season is, I could wish myself in quiet at
Arnold-abbey; but I cannot think of leaving London while my mother
continues in it, and she is now resolved to do so till Miss Burchell, or
rather, on this occasion, Mrs Jefferis, is brought to-bed. You can't
imagine how sollicitous she is about her; every time she sees her she
seems more and more pleased with her. I am very glad it has happened so,
for the poor young woman's sake; my mother is as warm in her attachments
as in her resentments. She visits her almost every second day; for the
poor thing it seems is ill at present, and can't leave her chamber. She
tells me she is extremely melancholy, and seems much to dread the
approaching hour. I greatly honour my mother for her humanity towards
her: in her terrifying situation she must want the tenderness of a
well-bred as well as a sensible friend; for it must be a melancholy
thing, in such circumstances, to have no one about her but servants, and
those strangers too.
She told my mother, that her altered looks, and frequent sicknesses,
gave her aunt (who was privy to the cause of it) a pretence for asking
her uncle's permission for Miss to go to Bath, which she told him would
do her more good than any thing. He consented, and supposed she was
actually gone thither under the care of a lady, whom her aunt named, who
was really going there in order to settle for life, and to whose house
she went for a day or two to give a colour to this story. Her aunt
contrived that she should not take any servant with her; giving it for a
reason, that as she might be as well attended by the lady's servants
with whom she lodged, and be considered by her as one of the family, a
maid would only be an unnecessary incumbrance. She added, that her uncle
was so afflicted with the gout, that he never stirred abroad, and saw
very little company, so that it was not likely he should ever be
undeceived.
_November 20_
We have just received a very odd piece of news, that I own has a little
alarmed me. It is, that the widow of Mr Arnold's brother is found to
be with child. There was no mention of this at the time her husband
died, nor indeed any cause to suspect it; but the strongest
presumptions in the world to the contrary, as her husband and she
lived a-part. It has not been even whispered, till since our arrival in
town. The lady pretends that she was not conscious of it herself till
within this fortnight; yet her husband has been dead four months.
This I am told is very possible, though not very common. She has
herself wrote a letter to Mr Arnold, to inform him of it; at the same
time declaring, that she and her late husband had been reconciled a
little before his death; and that, had he recovered, she was to have
lived with him again. All this is very strange. The elder Mr Arnold
killed himself with excessive drinking. His death approached him by
slow degrees; but as he could never be persuaded to think it near, he
took not the least care either of his spiritual or temporal concerns.
His brother was in the country when he was seized with his last
illness, which he had precipitated by some extravagant excess. He
was almost at the last extremity before he could be prevailed on to let
a physician attend him, or suffer his brother to be sent for. In regard
to the latter, he told those about him, that as he was his heir, of
course he had made no will. He mentioned not his wife. The jointure
which had been settled on her, he allowed her for a separate
maintenance. They had for a long time pursued separate pleasures,
and none of his friends knew that they had ever met, or so much as
seen one another from the time they parted. My Mr Arnold arrived
in town just time enough to close his brother's eyes; he was
speechless when he came, and expired in less than an hour after he
entered his chamber.
As his wife had been very obnoxious to the family, there was little
notice taken of her by them, more than what common forms require. She
seemed as indifferent about the death of her husband, as she had been
towards him in his life-time; and did not then hint a word of this
reconciliation between them, or of her having had an interview with him.
I am told, she is a very weak, as well as a very loose woman; and Mr
Arnold thinks she has got into the hands of some designing person.
However that matter may be, it is a serious affair; and he designs to
take the opinion of an eminent lawyer upon it. My poor dear mother is
frightned sadly. If this child should make its appearance in the world
time enough to prove the possibility of its being the offspring of the
late Mr Arnold, she says, it must be considered by the law as his heir,
notwithstanding the husband and wife lived apart. Mr Arnold laughs, or
affects to laugh at this; we shall, however, wait with patience till
the lady is brought to bed.
_November 25_
Our house is intirely fitted up, and we shall remove into it this
evening; my mother chuses to continue in her own, though Mr Arnold
presses her to accept of an apartment in ours; but we shall be near
neighbours, and she does not like to change.
We have received the opinion of our lawyers, who tell us, that in case
the child should be born within such a period of time, as to give colour
to its claim, yet the lady must prove her assertion, in regard to the
pretended meeting between her and her husband; which it is imagined is
not in her power to do; and her indifferent character, together with
several favourable circumstances which Mr Arnold has on his side, makes
them quite sanguin in their expectations of overturning her claim. We
are, however, likely to be engaged in a disagreeable law-suit; but as Mr
Arnold seems perfectly easy about the issue of it, I will make myself so
too.
_December 10_
I am more and more reconciled to my lot, my dear Cecilia, every day that
I live. Mr Arnold's assiduity and tenderness towards me deserve the
gratefullest return my heart can make him; and I am convinced it is not
necessary to be passionately in love with the man we marry, to make us
happy. Constancy, good sense, and a sweet temper, must form a basis for
a durable felicity. The two latter I am sure Mr Arnold possesses; Oh!
may I never experience his want of the former! I hope my own conduct
will for ever ensure to me his love. That only can secure the
tranquility of my future days.
_December 11_
My brother arrived in town last night; and came this morning in company
with my mother (and I am sure at her request) to make us a formal visit.
My kind Mr Arnold received him with tenderness; Sir George was coldly
polite. He owned, however, to my mother, upon her asking him his opinion
of his brother-in-law, that he seemed to be a _good clever sort of a
fellow_. I wish I could cultivate a friendship between them; it will not
be Mr Arnold's fault if there is not; but Sir George, you know, is not
of a very pliant disposition.
He asked my mother, when they were alone, Whether she had yet seen Miss
B or Mrs Jefferis (for he knew her by no other name) and what she had
to say for herself? My mother told him, he had better not touch upon
that string. I will be hanged, replied Sir George, if the artful young
baggage has not imposed upon you. My mother, who is always angry at
having her sagacity called in question, told Sir George he was rude, and
she should give him no satisfaction on that head. My brother answered,
as it was _now_ of no consequence, what the wench affirmed or denied, he
had no farther curiosity about her. My mother called him a bear, and so
the enquiry ended.
_December 20_
I congratulate you, my sister, my friend, my ever beloved Cecilia.
Happy! happy may you be in your nuptials! but in the midst of my joy for
your being so nobly and worthily bestowed, self-love forces a sigh from
me. I have lost the pleasing hope of seeing you, at the time fixed for
your return. The station your husband holds at the court of Vienna,
will, I fear, long detain my beloved in a foreign land. But you are not
amongst strangers; a husband, a brother, and tender parent, must make
every part of the globe equally your home. I will therefore seek for my
contentment in your's, and rest satisfied with believing that you will
always continue to love me.
_January 10, 1703-4_
I begin to find my thoughts so dissipated, that I am angry with myself;
Mr Arnold's excessive indulgence will spoil me; he is always contriving
new scenes of pleasure, and hurries me from one to the other. I do not
wish to be perpetually fluttering about. The calm domestic life you know
was always my choice; but I will not oppose my kind Mr Arnold in his
fond desire of pleasing me: besides, I find that by his constantly
gallanting me to public places, he begins himself to acquire a sort of
relish for them, which he did not use to have; at least his prudence
made him so to conform to the necessity of his circumstances, while his
fortune was small, that he never indulged himself in any of the
fashionable expensive amusements; nor does he now in any, but such as I
partake of with him. I find he is by nature open and liberal to excess.
I must take care, without his being conscious of it, to be a gentle
check upon his bounteous spirit; I mean only so far as it regards
myself: indeed this is the most material point, for in every other
instance his generosity is regulated by prudence. I am every hour more
obliged to him, and should hate myself if I did not find that he had an
intire possession of my love.
Sir George hardly ever comes near us but by formal invitation, and then
his behaviour to Mr Arnold is so very civil, and so very distant, that
it mortifies me exceedingly. Mr Arnold cannot but perceive it; but
either his tenderness for me makes him take no notice of it, or else,
not being well enough acquainted with my brother to know his
disposition, he may impute his coldness to his natural temper.
My mother says, he never names Mr Faulkland or Miss Burchell to her. I
wish Sir George could entirely forget that unhappy affair.
_February 1_
There is a story propagated by the widow Arnold, about the meeting
between her and her husband; the circumstances of which are as follows:
She says, she had dined one day in the city, and was returning home to
her lodgings in York-buildings in a hackney coach; that the driver, by
his carelessness in coming along the Strand, had one of his fore wheels
taken off by a Waggon, which accident obliged her to alight: the
footboy, who was behind the coach, had by the jolt been thrown off, and
received a hurt, which made it necessary to have him carried into a shop
for assistance. That the lady herself, being no otherwise injured than
by a little fright, found that she was so near home, that she did not
think it worth while to wait for another carriage, but pursued her way
on foot. It was a fine dry evening, about nine o'clock; and though there
was no light but what the lamps afforded, yet as the streets were full
of people, she had no apprehensions of danger.
In this situation she was accosted by two gentlemen, who, seeing a lady
well dressed and alone, insisted on seeing her safe to her lodgings.
However disagreeable such an encounter was, she said she did not give
herself much concern about it, as she was so near home, and expected to
shake off her new acquaintance at the door of the house where she
lodged; and accordingly, when she got there, she told them she was at
home, and wished them a good night; but the impertinents were not so
easily to be put off. The door having been opened by the maid of the
house, they both rushed in; her landlady, a single woman, happened to be
abroad and there was no man in the house.
Mrs Arnold thought she had no way left, but to run up to her
dining-room, and lock herself in; but in this she was prevented, as the
gentlemen, whom the servant of the house vainly endeavoured to oppose,
got up stairs almost as soon as she did. Her own maid, on hearing the
rap at the door, had lighted candles in the dining-room; the two sparks
entered with her; but how was she surprized to find that one of them was
her husband. Her fright, she said, had prevented her from discovering
this sooner, as she had not looked in either of their faces, though
there was a light in the hall; and Mr Arnold's being half drunk, she
supposed, was the reason of his not perceiving sooner who she was.
The astonishment that they both were in, and the exclamation that each
made in their turn, soon informed the companion of Mr Arnold who the
lady was. He congratulated them both on this fortunate mistake, and
saying, since chance had been so propitious to Mr Arnold as to throw him
into the arms of so charming a woman, he hoped his discovering her to be
his wife would not render her the less agreeable to him; but that this
unexpected meeting might be a means of re-uniting them in their former
amity.
Mr Arnold, she says, in the presence of this gentleman, advanced with
open arms to embrace her, which she not declining, his friend having
again felicitated them on their reconciliation, took his leave, and Mr
Arnold remained with his lady.
That at parting, which was not till late, (as she would not, on account
of her reputation, permit him to pass the night at her lodgings) he
promised to bring her home to his house in a day or two; but
unfortunately for her he was taken ill in the interim, which she did not
know of, till she had an account that Mr Arnold had lost his senses. The
reason she assigned for not enquiring after him sooner was, that her
pride would not suffer her to make any advances to a man, who had been
so injurious as to part with her; and she thought it his duty to recall
her, without her taking any step towards it.
This story seems plausible; yet none of our friends believe a word of
it, and imagine somebody has contrived it for her. The gentleman, who
was the companion of Mr Arnold that night, she says, can at a proper
time be produced as a witness, as also her own maid, who can testify the
truth of this story. In the mean time this maid is kept out of the way,
and nobody can guess at the gentleman, for his name is kept a profound
secret.
I am delighted at the sweetness of Mr Arnold's temper: vexatious as this
affair is likely to be, even at the best, he does not suffer it to
interrupt our pleasures or his own good humour. On the contrary, he is
the more studious of promoting every thing, which he thinks will
entertain me.
_February 28_
At length the poor Miss Burchell is happily rid of her burden; a pretty
little boy, my mother says it is: it was, immediately after its birth,
at which my mother was present, privately baptized by the name of
Orlando, and sent away with its nurse, a careful body, who had been
before provided for it. It passes for the son of a captain Jefferis,
abroad with the army. Miss Burchell would never suffer the nurse to see
her; for as she intends to reassume her own name, as soon as she shall
be in a condition to leave her present retirement, she would not chuse
to be known by the woman, in case of her going to see her child. Every
thing was managed with so much privacy, and Miss Burchell has lived so
perfectly recluse, nobody visiting her but my mother, that in all
probability this affair will always remain an intire secret.
My mother says, that as soon as Miss Burchell (to whom she considers
herself as a kind of patroness) is tolerably recovered, she will go down
to Sidney-castle; for she thinks herself in a strange land any where but
there. And would you believe it my dear, she has taken such a fancy to
Miss Burchell, that she talks of inviting her down with her, if she can
obtain her uncle's leave. The girl must certainly have some very amiable
qualities, so to captivate my mother, or she has an immensity of art. I
dare say the young lady will gladly accept of her invitation; it will
undoubtedly be a most eligible situation for her. I do not know what Sir
George may say to her carrying her humanity so far, as he hates the name
of this poor girl; but no matter, it may be a means of preserving her
character, which probably she might not long keep, if she returned to
live with so vile a woman as I conclude her aunt to be; nor can she have
any colour for quitting her, whilst her uncle lives; for I find she is
an orphan, and has no relation but him. She must however go home for a
while, in order to get leave from him for this visit to Sidney-castle.
_March 26, 1704_
I am told the widow Arnold computes the time of her lying-in about the
latter end of the next month; if it should so happen, she saves her
distance, as her husband died in July, a little before we went to
Grimston-hall. Mr Arnold treats the affair very lightly, and is only
concerned at seeing my mother so much affected by it. For my part, I
form my behaviour upon Mr Arnold's conduct, and as long as he appears
easy, I shall certainly be so too.
My brother throws out some unkind reflections: he says, he wonders the
old Sybil at Grimston-hall did not foresee this; and congratulates me on
my good fortune, in having my jointure settled on that part of the
estate which is not disputed. I really think he shews a sort of
ill-natured triumph even in his condolements; for he generally concludes
them with thanking his stars that _he_ had no hand in the match. I trust
in God we shall none of us have any cause to repent it. I am sure I
never shall; for if Mr Arnold were reduced to the lowest ebb of fortune,
I should find my consolation in his kindness and affection.
_March 27_
My mother is preparing to leave town. Miss Burchell is quite recovered,
and purposes going down to the country, to obtain her uncle's consent
for the intended visit. She says, she can easily tell him she made an
acquaintance with lady Bidulph in her late excursion to Bath, from whom
she received an invitation, and she is sure he will not refuse to let
her accept it.
Sir George laughs exceedingly at this plan. He says his mother ought not
to be surprized at Faulkland's falling into the girl's snares, since she
herself has done the same; but he supposes my mother thinks she is doing
a very meritorious action, in affording an asylum to this injured
innocence. I give you my brother's words, for I assure you, as to
myself, I approve of my mother's kindness to her, and think it may be a
means of preserving the girl from future mischief.
_April 2_
Miss Burchell is gone to the country, and this morning, for the first
time, severed me from the best of mothers. I cannot recover my spirits;
I have wept all day. Mr Arnold, ever good and obliging, would needs
accompany her some miles on her journey; you may be sure I was not left
behind. Sir George was so polite as to say, He would escort her down to
Sidney-castle. I was surprized at it; for he does not often do obliging
things. My mother gladly accepted of his company, and said, she would
make him her prisoner, when she had him there; for she should be quite
melancholy without me for a time. Now though I should be very unwilling
not to allow the merit of a good-natured action to Sir George, yet do I
attribute this in some measure to its answering a purpose of convenience
to himself. You know, before his illness sent him to the Spa, he always
spent his summers with us at the Castle, though he has another very
convenient house on his estate. When he was in London, he never had any
thing but lodgings, for which I have often been angry with him. My
mother, since his return, made him a compliment of her house; but as the
time she took it for is now expired, and it is let to another family, he
could no longer continue in it. Mr Arnold, in the most affectionate
manner, pressed him to accept of an apartment with us, which he
declined. Now as he could not, without shewing us an apparent slight,
continue in town in other lodgings, I believe he, for this reason,
preferred going down with my mother. Be it as it may, I am very glad
that she will have his company; for I make no doubt of his staying with
her some time, unless Miss Burchell should frighten him away.
_April 5_
I have been so cast down since my mother's departure, that Mr Arnold's
obliging tender assiduity to please and entertain me seems redoubled;
but indeed I am wearied with a continual round of noisy pleasures, and
long to get back to Arnold-abbey. I hope to be there in about three
weeks, or a month at farthest. My mother has dispensed with our going
down to her this summer. She thinks it might be attended with
inconveniences to me, and talks of coming to town again in a few months;
but I shall insist on her not giving herself the fatigue of so long a
journey, unless she comes to stay all the next winter with us.
_April 20_
My mother writes me word that Miss Burchell has obtained leave of her
uncle, and is come to Sidney-castle: she says, she never saw a better
behaved young creature. Sir George has taken so much offence at her
coming, that he talks of going to his own house. My mother adds, 'He
behaves however, with manners, but I shall not press him to stay.'
_May 6_
An important birth, my Cecilia! the widow Arnold has produced a young
miss. I assure you the little damsel has been ushered into life with all
the ceremony due to a young heiress; and her mother introduces her as
one, whom an unjust uncle debars of her right. Now you must know, that
upon an exact calculation, this little girl has made her appearance just
twelve days later than she ought to have done, to prove her legitimacy,
dating the possibility of her being Mr Arnold's, from the very day
whereon he took that illness of which he died, and which confined him
for five days to his bed. In all that time, his servants never left him
for a minute; this has occasioned various speculations; our lawyers say
that it is enough to destroy her pretensions; but some physicians, who
have been consulted on the occasion, are of a contrary opinion; and
declare they have known instances of children being born, even so long
after the stated time alloted by nature for their coming into life.
It is a very unlucky affair, and has involved us in a law-suit. Who the
person is that secretly abets the widow, we cannot find out; but it is
certain she has somebody; every one believes this is an infamous and
unjust claim; and the woman's folly almost frees her from the suspicion
of its being of her own contriving.
_May 10_
You cannot imagine, my Cecilia, how happy I think myself, after such a
hurrying winter as I have had, to find myself once more restored to my
favourite pleasures, the calm delights of solitude. Arnold-abbey seems a
paradise to me now.
Lady Grimston shewed me a specimen of her humour this morning, in
talking of the widow Arnold. She said she was an _harlot_, that having
already disgraced the family, now wanted to beggar them; but that if Mr
Arnold did not make an example of her, she would never own him for a
kinsman.
My chearful old Dean says, he is now completely happy, having lived to
see his daughter married (while we were in town) very much to his and
her satisfaction. I am heartily glad of it, neither am I sorry (for her
sake) that she has left the country.
_May 11_
Mrs Vere is come to spend a few weeks with me according to her promise.
She is a truly amiable creature; her disposition so gentle, her temper
so mild, such a sweet humility in her whole deportment, that it
astonishes me her mother can still persist in her unkindness to her. But
the eldest daughter was always her darling, who I understand is pretty
much of her mother's own cast; and makes a very termagant wife to a very
turbulent husband. So that notwithstanding their title (for he is a
Baronet) and immense riches, they are a very miserable pair.
They were lately to pay lady Grimston a visit; but there happened such a
frecas, that probably it may be the last she will ever receive from
them. The husband, it seems, though very rough and surly in his nature,
is, notwithstanding, a well-meaning man, and not void of humanity; which
had induced him to give a small portion to a young girl, a distant
relation of his own, who had been left an orphan. She was beloved by the
son of a substantial farmer, a tenant of the baronet's, and had an equal
affection for him; but the young man, depending entirely on his father
for his future prospects, durst not take a wife without something to
begin the world with; for his father had just put him into the
management of one of his farms. The young lady and her mother (who was a
widow, and is but lately dead) had boarded for some years at this honest
farmer's house, and in that time a mutual love had been contracted
between the young people. The old man himself liked the girl so well for
a daughter-in-law, that his only objection was her want of fortune; but
this was such an obstacle as was not to be surmounted by a man, who,
being accustomed to earn money by indefatigable industry, put the utmost
value upon it. His regard to his son's happiness, however, made him
resolve to try an experiment in his favour, and accordingly he plucked
up courage, and went to his landlord. He told him, in his own blunt way,
that he came to speak to him in behalf of a poor young gentlewoman that
was his (Sir William's) relation. I have a son that loves her, said he,
and she loves him, but I cannot afford to let the boy marry a wife that
has nothing; and you know she has no portion. I would not desire much
with her, for she is a good girl, and very housewifely; but if you will
be so kind to give her something to set them a going a little, I shall
be content; if not, you will be the cause of my son's losing a wife, for
he swears he will never marry any other woman, and she, poor thing, may
pine away for love. I do not desire this match out of the ambition of
having my boy related to you, but because I think the girl is an honest
girl, and may make him happy.
The rough honesty of the farmer pleased his landlord so well, that he
gave the young woman five hundred pounds, to set them a going, as the
old yeoman termed it. Though this sum was but a trifle to a man of his
fortune, and the giving it was a praise-worthy action, yet did it
exceedingly displease his lady, especially as he had not thought proper
to consult her on the occasion. She was not contented with venting her
indignation on her husband at home, but she renewed the quarrel, by
complaining to lady Grimston, that her opinion and advice were not only
despised, but that Sir William was lavishing away the fortune _she_ had
brought him upon a _tribe_ of poor relations of his own. Lady Grimston
immediately took fire; she could not bear the thoughts of having her
daughter's authority of less weight in his family, than her own had
been, and she attacked her son-in-law with acrimony on the subject. His
answer to her was short. Look ye, lady Grimston, you made a very
obstreperous wife to a very peacable husband; your daughter, I find, is
mightily disposed to follow your example; but as I am not quite so tame
as my father-in-law was, I will suffer her to see as little of it as may
be. With this he turned from her, and ordering his coach and six to be
got ready immediately, with very little ceremony he forced his wife into
it, and carried her home directly, leaving lady Grimston foaming with
rage. The altercation had been carried on with so little caution, that
the servants heard it, and the story is the jest of the neighbourhood.
I confess I am not sorry for this breach; it may be the better for poor
Mrs Vere; for though her mother's jointure reverts to a male relation,
on whom the estate was settled, yet as lady Grimston has a large
personal fortune, it is in her power to make her daughter full amends
for the injury she did her.
_May 20_
Mr Arnold is improving his gardens, and taking in a great deal more
ground to enlarge them. I do not express the least dissatisfaction at
this, tho' I own I could wish he would not engage in new expences on an
estate which is now in litigation; but our lawyers are so sanguin, that
they encourage him to proceed.
[_The following is writ in the hand of the lady, who gave the
editor these papers: 'Here follows an interval of four months; in
which time, though the Journal was regularly continued, nothing
material to her story occured, but the birth of a daughter, after
which she proceeds.'_]
_September 25_
How delightful are the new sensations, my dear Cecilia, that I feel
hourly springing in my heart! Surely the tenderness of a mother can
never be sufficiently repaid; and I now more than ever rejoice in
having, by an obedience, which perhaps I once thought had some little
merit in it, contributed so much to the repose of a parent, to whom I
have such numberless obligations. I never see my little girl, but I
think such were the tender sentiments, the sweet anxieties, that my
honoured and beloved mother felt when her Sidney was such a brat as
this. Then I say, surely I have a right to all the duty, all the filial
love that this creature can shew me, in return for my fondness. As for
Mr Arnold, he idolizes it; you never saw so good a nurse as he makes.
Lady Grimston declares, we are both in a fair way of ruining the child,
and advises us to send it out of the house, that we may not grow too
fond of it; but we shall hardly take her counsel.
_September 28_
I informed you before that Miss Burchell had been summoned home by her
uncle, who was then very ill. She has lately written an account to my
mother of his death; and that as she has now her fortune in her own
hands, she intends immediately to quit her aunt, and look out for some
genteel and reputable family in London (where it seems she chuses to
reside) to lodge with.
My mother, in her letter to me, expresses great satisfaction at her
resolution to leave her aunt, but is not without her fears, that so
pretty a young woman, left to her own guidance, may be liable to danger;
though she thinks both her natural disposition, and her good sense,
sufficient to guard her against actual evil.
Our lawyer writes us a word, that he has had an offer of a composition,
proposed by the widow Arnold's people: he says, though the sum they
mention is a very round one, yet it plainly indicates the weakness of
their hopes; and concludes with telling Mr Arnold, that if six-pence
would buy them off, he should not, with his consent, give it to them; as
it would tacitly admit the legality of their claim, and might be
productive of troublesome consequences hereafter; and therefore he would
by all means have the issue fairly tried. Mr Arnold laughs heartily at
the proposal, but says he is very much obliged to the lady for
condescending to give up more than half, when her daughter has a right
to the whole; without whose consent he supposes it is not in the
mother's power to make terms.
I wish we were rid of this troublesome affair, as it must hurry us to
town sooner than we intended, and the country is still delightful.
_London, October 1_
Again we have quitted our sweet retirement for the noise and bustle of
London; but this law-business, it seems, must be closely pursued, though
our antagonist's motions seem a little dilatory. We cannot find out the
secret spring that sets the machine a-going; the wheels however do not
seem to move with such alacrity as they did; though the widow still
talks big, and says, we shall repent of having rejected her offer.
_October 3_
My brother is arrived in town, but took care to settle himself in
handsome commodious lodgings before he paid us a visit, for fear, I
suppose, that we should again press him to accept of apartments in our
house. I see he is determined to keep up nothing more than an
intercourse barely civil. Mr Arnold cannot but be disgusted with his
behaviour, but he is too delicate to take notice of it to me.
_October 17_
I am disappointed in my hopes of seeing my dear mother in town this
winter. Her apartment was ready for her, and I delighted myself with the
thoughts of seeing her in possession of it, at least for a few months;
but she writes me word that her old rheumatick complaint is returned on
her with such violence, that she cannot think of undertaking the
journey. Sadly am I grieved at this news, and shall long to have the
winter over, that Mr Arnold and I may fly to Sidney-castle; he has
promised me this satisfaction early in the summer.
My mother informs me that Miss Burchell constantly corresponds with her:
she tells her that her aunt is come to town to sollicit for her pension,
but that she never sees her; and as she means to drop all correspondence
with her, she does not intend even to let her know where she lodges. I
commend Miss Burchell highly for this, as the acquaintance of such a
woman may be hurtful to her reputation.
[_Here ensues another interval of nine months, in which nothing
particular is related, but that Mrs Arnold became mother to a
second child. This last circumstance, with a few others preceding
and succeeding that event, are related in the Journal by her maid
Patty; after which Mrs Arnold herself proceeds._]
_July 1, 1705_
Again, my dear Cecilia, I am able to reassume my pen. I have read what
Patty has writ, and find she is admirable at the anecdotes of a
nursery. Am I not rich, think you? Two daughters, and both perfect
beauties, and great wits you may be sure!
The new-born damsel was baptized this day by the dear-beloved name of
Cecilia. I am angry with Mr Arnold, he takes so little notice of this
young stranger; his affections are all engaged by Dolly: indeed, I am
almost jealous of her; for he spends most of the time he is at home in
the nursery.
Our antagonist is grown alert again, and has renewed her efforts, which
we thought began to flag a little, with fresh vigour. Whence she derives
those revived hopes is a mystery; but she now says, she would not accept
of a composition if it were offered. My poor Mr Arnold begins to fret a
little, it now and then makes him thoughtful; not that he says he has
the least doubt about his success, but he has been much harrassed with
the necessary attendance that the cause requires, and downright tired
with dangling after lawyers; besides, they say the cause cannot come to
an hearing in the ensuing term, though they before made us hope, that it
would be at an end long before this time.
_July 3_
I am mortified exceedingly, my dear Cecilia: I find I am not likely to
see my mother this summer. I thought I could not have lived so long from
her sight. Indeed it was purely in the hope of making her this visit,
that I prevented her coming to town in the spring, which she purposed
doing, though far from being well enough to undertake the journey. I own
I have been impatient under my confinement, as that, and my previous
circumstances, detained us so long in town, and I this day asked Mr
Arnold when we should set out for Sidney-castle. He answered me, that he
feared it would not be in his power this season to pay the intended
visit to my mother: he says, he has not been near his estate in Kent
these five years, except for a day or two at a time, and that he thinks
it necessary to see what condition it is in. I believe I have told you
that there is a pretty house on it. The place is called South-park, and
is that which my mother chose for my settlement. Mr Arnold, who always
preferred Arnold-abbey to it, hardly ever visited this place; and as he
never resided there, and only lay at an inn when he went down, the house
is unfurnished, excepting a room or two, which a man who receives his
rent has just made habitable for his own convenience.
But that I have laid it down as a rule never to oppose so good, so
indulgent a husband as Mr Arnold is, in any instance, wherein I do not
think a superior duty requires me to do so, I should certainly show some
disapprobation of what he now purposes doing. It will be attended with
so much trouble, so much expence too: he has ordered the house at
South-park to be completely furnished, and says, he hopes I shall like
it so well as to be induced to pass the remainder of the summer there.
Most sure it is, every place will be delightful to me where I can enjoy
his company, and have my dear little babes with me; but methinks two
country houses are an unnecessary charge, and more than suits our
fortune. I pray God this tender husband may not have a strong and
prudent reason for this conduct, which out of kindness he conceals;
perhaps he thinks this little spot at South-park may some time hence be
the whole of our dependence, and he has a mind to be before-hand with
ill fortune, in rendering that retreat agreeable to me, and rather an
object of choice than of necessity. If this be his motive, How much am I
obliged to him? He has not hinted any thing like it; nor would I dash
the pleasure he seems to promise himself there, by insinuating the least
suspicion of what his reasons are for going to it. If we lose
Arnold-abbey, and the whole estate belonging to it, I shall only regret
it for his sake.
_July 8_
We are to set out to-morrow, my Cecilia, for our place in Kent. I have
made the best apology that I could to my mother, and Mr Arnold too has
writ to her; but I know she will be extremely disappointed at not seeing
us.
_July 12_
We are lately arrived at South-park, Mr Arnold in high spirits; and my
two young travellers bore the fatigue extremely well.
I am not surprized Mr Arnold liked the old family seat better than this.
I cannot say I am much charmed with it, but I will not let him see that.
I affect to admire, and seem pleased with every thing that affords me
the least opportunity of commendation. The house is a very neat one; it
has not been many years built, and is in perfectly good repair. It is
genteely, though plainly furnished, and we have a tolerable garden; but
as the whole domain is let, we are obliged to take a few fields from one
of our tenants, to supply our immediate want. We are in a very genteel
and populous neighbourhood, and within a mile of a good market town.
_July 20_
I have regretted nothing so much in my absence from Arnold-abbey, as the
being cut off from the hope of seeing my amiable Mrs Vere. We can have
but _one friend_ to share our heart, to whom we have no reserve, and
whose loss is irreparable; but I perceive the absence of a pleasing
acquaintance, whose society is no farther necessary to us, than as it
contributes to enliven solitude, and gets a preference to others merely
by comparison, is a loss easily supplied; this I find by experience.
There are Mrs Veres every where; but, alas! there is but _one_ Cecilia!
I was visited today by two ladies that I am charmed with, though it is
the first time I have seen either of them. The one is lady V of whom you
have formerly heard. Her Lord and she came together; their seat is
within a mile of us, and Mr Arnold had a slight acquaintance with lord V
before. My lady is about forty, and has that kind of countenance that at
once invites your confidence; I never saw integrity, benevolence, and
good sense, more strongly pictured in a face; her address is so plain,
so perfectly free from affectation, or any of the little supercilious
forms of ceremony, that a person, ignorant of what true politeness
consists in, would imagine she wanted breeding; yet she received her
education in a court; but she seems to let good sense and good nature
preside over all her words and actions rather than form. She told me she
had deferred her visit to me, longer perhaps than the laws of decorum
would admit of, as we were such near neighbours; but, said she, I was
determined not to be overlooked in the crowd of visitors that have been
thronging to you every day, since you came down. The character I have
heard of you, makes me wish for an intimacy with you, and you are not to
look upon this as a visit of ceremony, but as an advance towards that
friendship I wish to cultivate.
She spoke this with so frank an air, that, flattering as the compliment
appeared, I could not help believing her sincere; and thought myself,
that my appearance did not diminish that good opinion which she said she
had conceived of me from report.
Lord V---- is many years older than his lady; a robust man, as plain in
his way as my lady is in her's; though _his_ way and _her's_ are very
different; for he is frank even to bluntness, but the best humoured man
living.
The other lady whom I mentioned is a widow; her name is Gerrarde, and
she lives upon a little estate she has in this neighbourhood. I think I
never beheld so fine a creature; she is about six and twenty; her
stature, which is much above the common size, is rendered perfectly
graceful and majestic by one of the finest shapes in the world; if her
face is not altogether so regularly beautiful as her person, it is,
however, handsome enough to render any woman charming who had nothing
else to boast of. Whether her understanding be of a piece with the rest,
I have not yet been able to discover. Her visit to me was but short, for
she had not sat with me an hour when lady V---- came in, and she then
took her leave; but by what I could observe in that little time, she
seems to have as much vivacity and agreeable humour, as I ever met with
in any one. She pressed me to dine with her at her cottage, as she calls
it, to-morrow, and I like her too well to refuse the invitation.
These two charming women, I think, I shall single out for my chief
intimates, from the crowd which have been to compliment me, on my coming
into this country.
Mr Arnold is mightily pleased with them both; but he gives the
preference to lady V----, whom, tho' he had a slight acquaintance with
her lord, he never saw before. But he is almost as great a stranger in
this place as I am: he is highly delighted at my having met with people
who are likely to render it agreeable to me.
_July 21_
We dined to-day according to appointment with Mrs Gerrarde. A
cottage she called her house, nor does it appear much better at the
outside, but within it is a fairy palace. Never was any thing so neat, so
elegant, so perfectly well fansied, as the fitting up of all her rooms.
Her bedchambers are furnished with fine chints, and her drawing-room
with the prettiest Indian sattin I ever saw. Her little villa is
called Ashby, and her husband, she told me, purchased it for her
some time before his death, and left it to her; but she has since had a
considerable addition to her fortune, by the death of a relation.
Our entertainment was splendid almost to profusion, though there was no
company but Mr Arnold and I. I told her, if she always gave such
dinners, it would frighten me away from her: indeed it was the only
circumstance in her whole conduct that did not please me, for I was
charmed with the rest of her behaviour. They must surely be of a very
churlish disposition, who are not pleased, where a manifest desire to
oblige is conspicuous in every word and action. If Mrs. Gerrarde is not
as highly polished as some women are, who, perhaps, have had a more
enlarged education, she makes full amends for it by a perfect good
humour, a sprightliness always entertaining, and a quickness of thought,
that gives her conversation an air of something very _like_ wit, and
which I dare say passes for the thing itself with most people.
_July 24_
I have returned lady V----'s visit, and am more delighted with her than
before, Mr Arnold went with me; but my lord not being at home, he went
to ramble about the grounds, so that I had a long _tête à tête_ with
lady V----. She is an admirable woman, so fine an understanding, such
delicacy of sentiment, and such an unaffected complaisance in her
manner, that I do not wonder my lord perfectly adores her. There is a
tenderness, a maternal kindness in her behaviour towards me, that fills
me at once with love and reverence for her; and, next to my Cecilia, I
think I never met with any woman whom I could so highly esteem as lady
V----. She is an admirable mistress of her needle, and every room in her
house exhibits some production of a very fine genius, united with very
great industry: for there are beds, chairs, and carpets, besides some
very pretty rural prospects in panels, executed with inimitable skill,
and very excellent taste. She tells me, if I will give her leave to
bring her work with her, she will live whole days with me.
I am rejoiced now that Mr Arnold thought of coming to South-Park. How
valuable is the acquaintance of such a woman as lady V----! and I might
never have known her, but for a circumstance to which I was at first so
averse. And then my agreeable lively Mrs Gerrarde! My acquaintance at
Arnold-abbey begin to fade upon my memory: to say the truth, I think of
none of them with pleasure, but Mrs Vere, and my good humoured old Dean.
_August 4_
Mrs Gerrarde is a little saucy monopolist; she grumbles if I do not see
her every day, and is downright jealous of my intimacy with lady V----.
They are acquainted, but I don't find there is a very close intercourse
between them: Mrs Gerrarde says, her ladyship is too good a houswife for
her; and as she is not very fond of needle-work herself, she cannot
endure people that are always poring over a frame. I find indeed, that
this sprightly rogue is fonder of cards than of work; she draws Mr
Arnold and me in very often for a pool at piquet: at her house I am
obliged to submit; but at my own, I often take up a book, when she and
Mr Arnold are engaged at their game, and make them decide the contest
between them. Nay, I threaten that I will, some night or other, steal
to-bed and leave them; for she is unconscionable at late hours; and as
she lives very near us, and keeps a chariot, she does not scruple to go
home at any hour of the night. What a pity it is so amiable a woman
should be thus fondly attached to so unprofitable an amusement! for I
begin to see play is her foible; though, to do her justice, she never
engages but for very trifling sums, and that only in our own little
domestic way. But this passion may grow upon her, and she may be led
unawares into the losing more than her fortune can bear.
_August 12_
I never was so disconcerted as I have been this day: you will be
surprized when I tell you, it was by my good lady V----. She came to
pass the day with me, Mr Arnold being engaged abroad.
We were both sitting at work in the parlour: lady V---- had continued
silent for a good while; at last looking at me with a most benign smile,
for I had at the same instant cast my eyes at her; I was just then
thinking, my dear Mrs Arnold, said she, that I once (though perhaps you
did not know it) flattered myself with the hopes of being related to
you. Her words threw me into confusion, though I did not know their
meaning. It would have been both an honour and a happiness to me, madam,
I replied, though I don't know by what means I was ever likely to
possess it. She continued smiling, but seemed in suspence whether she
should proceed. You will pardon my curiosity my dear, said she, but give
me leave to ask, whether Mr Arnold was not once near losing the
happiness he now enjoys? I felt my face glow as she spoke. There was
once a treaty of marriage on foot, madam, I answered, between me and
another gentleman. I am sorry I mentioned it, said my lady, observing my
confusion; but as I was no stranger to the affair while it was
transacting, and Mr Faulkland is a kinsman of mine, I hope you will
forgive my inquisitiveness; for I own I have a curiosity, which I
believe no body but yourself can gratify; and if I did not think you the
most candid, as well as the best tempered creature living, I durst not
push my enquiry. My lord, you are to know, was in London, at the time Mr
Faulkland was first introduced to you; and as they are extremely fond
of each other, Mr Faulkland did not scruple to disclose his passion to
him, nor the success it then appeared likely to be crowned with, giving
him at the same time such a character of you, as I have since found you
deserve.
When my lord returned to V---- hall, which he was obliged to do very
soon after Mr Faulkland had made this discovery to him, he informed me
of the alliance my cousin Faulkland was going to make; and we were
pleasing ourselves with the thoughts of congratulating him on his
happiness, when we received a letter from him that put an end to all our
expectations; this letter contained but four distracted lines: he told
my lord, in broken sentences, that he had lost all hopes of Miss
Bidulph; that an act of indiscretion had been construed into a capital
crime; and that being banished from the presence of the woman he adored,
he was immediately about to bid adieu to England, perhaps for ever.
This was the substance of what he wrote to us: we have heard from him
since a few times, but he never cleared up the matter to us, nor even so
much as mentioned it. I have not been in London since; my lord has; but
he never could get any light into the mystery: he heard from some of our
friends, who knew of the intended match, that it was broke off nobody
knew why. There were, however, several idle surmises thrown out; some
laid the blame on Mr Faulkland, and some on you; but the truth I believe
still remains a secret. Now, my dear, if my curiosity is improper, or if
there was any particular motive to this disappointment of my kinsman's
hopes, which you don't chuse to reveal, forgive my enquiry, and think no
more of it; but take up that book, and read to me while I work.
Though my lady gave me this kind opportunity of evading her question, I
did not lay hold of it: I did not indeed chuse to reveal the whole of
this affair, because I did not think myself at liberty to divulge Miss
Burchell's secret, however I might discover my own. I told my lady in
general terms, that though Mr Faulkland might pretend to a lady every
way my superior, yet there was an objection to him of no small weight
with us; that my mother had been informed of a very recent piece of
gallantry he had had with a person of some condition, and that it had
disgusted her so much, she could not think of uniting me with a man
whose passions were not a little more staid; and that this was the sole
reason of her dislike to a gentleman, who was in every other respect
unexceptionable. I am glad it was no worse, said lady V----, smiling; I
am sure Mr Faulkland is not capable of a _base_ action; youthful
follies he may have had, though I believe as few even of those to answer
for as most men of his years. I make not the least doubt, however, that
lady Bidulph was guided by prudence in what she did. She certainly could
not be too cautious in the disposal of _such_ a child as you; and
whatever Mr Faulkland's disappointment may be, _you_ I hope are happy.
Lady V---- looked at me as she pronounced these words, with an
inquisitive, though tender regard. I was glad of an opportunity of
enlarging on the merits of Mr Arnold, and told her, I was as happy as my
heart could wish, or the worthiest of men could make me. I am glad of
it, said she, with a quickness in her voice, but don't imagine, my dear
Mrs Arnold, (and she took me by the hand) that I introduced this
conversation merely to gratify a curiosity, which I fear you must
condemn in your private thoughts, though you have been so good as to
satisfy it: I had another reason, a much stronger one. What is it dear
madam? almost starting with apprehensions of I did not know what. Don't
be alarmed, said she smiling, it is only this; a great aunt of Mr
Faulkland's is lately dead, who has left him a considerable personal
estate, and he is coming over to take possession of it; otherwise I
don't know when we should have seen him in England. My lord had a letter
very lately from him; he was then at Turin, where he had met with our
eldest son, who is now on his travels: he told us he had letters and
some tokens of love to deliver us from him; and that he should
immediately on his arrival in England come to V---- hall, where he would
pass a month with us. Now as we expect him daily, I had a mind to
apprize you of his intended visit, that you might not be surprized, by
perhaps unexpectedly meeting him at my house. I thanked her ladyship for
her obliging caution, though I thought it had something in it that
mortified me. I told her, that though I should not seek to renew my
acquaintance with Mr Faulkland, yet had I no reason to avoid him. Lady
V----, who is extremely quick of apprehension, replied, Without doubt,
madam, you have not; but you might be surprized at seeing him
notwithstanding.
She presently turned the discourse; but made me happy the whole day, by
that inexhaustible fund of good sense and improving knowlege, of which
she is mistress.
Mr Arnold came not home 'till very late; he complains that he is got
into a knot of acquaintance that like the bottle too well; but I am sure
his natural sobriety is such, that it will not be in the power of
example to lead him into intemperance; though I am vexed he has fallen
into such acquaintance, because I know drinking is disagreeable to him:
yet a country gentleman must sometimes give a little into it, to avoid
the character of being singular.
_August 22_
Surprized I was not, because I came prepared; but I own I was abashed,
at seeing Mr Faulkland to-day. Mr Arnold and I were invited to dine at
Lord V----'s, and his lordship, and his guest, came in from the fields
where they had been walking, just as we were ready to sit down to table.
There happened to be a good deal more company; Mr Faulkland was not
introduced; so that there was no room for any thing constrained or
improper of either side. I presently recovered the little embarrassment,
that his first entrance into the room occasioned. I am sure nobody took
notice of it; for dinner being immediately served, there was a sort of
bustle in hurrying out of the drawing-room. The crowd we had at table
destroyed all conversation; and nothing particular was said during
dinner. Lady V---- soon withdrew, and all her female friends followed
her. I observed she frequently glanced her penetrating eyes at Mr
Faulkland while we were at table, but I did not chuse to make any
observations on him. We had not been long seated at our Coffee, when
four of the gentlemen slipped from their company and came to us: these
were Mr Arnold, Mr Faulkland, and two others. My lord is pretty free at
his bottle, and none of these gentlemen I suppose were fond of that
entertainment. Lady V---- and I were sitting on a couch: I called to Mr
Arnold, and placed him between us: Mr Faulkland approached me, and then,
for the first time, with a respectful distance, enquired after my mother
and Sir George, telling me he had missed of the latter, when he was in
London, being told he was at Sidney-castle. After a few more indifferent
questions, he took a dish of coffee, and retired with it to a window. Mr
Arnold asked me in a whisper, if I was acquainted with Mr Faulkland; I
could only answer, that I was formerly very well acquainted with him.
Nothing more passed between Mr Faulkland and me the whole evening: he
returned soon to the company in the next room, and I saw no more of him.
I can with the utmost sincerity assure my Cecilia, that I now behold Mr
Faulkland with as much indifference as I do any other man of my
acquaintance. Time, joined to my own efforts, must, without any other
help, have intirely subdued an inclination, which was always restrained
by prudential motives, and rendered subservient to my duty; but I have,
besides this, now acquired a shield that must render me invulnerable; I
mean the perfect and tender affection I bear my husband: this has
completely secured me against the most distant apprehensions of being
alarmed from any other quarter; yet notwithstanding all this, I can't
say that I am quite satisfied at this renewal of my acquaintance with Mr
Faulkland. I hope, and indeed it is reasonable to suppose, that I have
now as little interest in _his_ heart as he has in mine: it is but
natural to believe that a gay young man like him, should not be so weak
as to nourish a hopeless passion for more than two years, especially as
he has never once seen the object of it in all that time; and must,
without doubt, have had his attention engaged to others in all
likelihood much preferable to her; so that I think I have reason to be
as easy on his account as on my own. But still I am disquieted in my
mind; I have a delicacy that takes alarm at the veriest trifles, and has
been a source of pain to me my whole lifetime: it makes me unhappy to
think that I am now under an almost unavoidable necessity of sometimes
seeing and conversing with a man, who once had such convincing proofs,
that he was not indifferent to me.
Mr Arnold's ignorance of our former connections makes it still worse. At
the time I was so averse to his knowing any thing of this affair, I
flattered myself I should never see Mr Faulkland more, or at least never
be obliged to have any intercourse with him; but I now lament that I did
not take my mother's advice, and disclose the whole affair at first. Oh!
my Cecilia, when the smallest deviations from candor (which we suppose
discretion), are thus punished with remorse, what must they feel whose
whole life is one continued act of dissimulation? If Mr Arnold had been
acquainted with my former engagements, my heart would be more at ease,
and I should then converse with this man with all the disengaged freedom
of a common friend. I wish Mr Arnold's curiosity would excite him to ask
me some questions relative to my acquaintance with Mr Faulkland, that I
might have an opportunity of telling him the secret. But the enquiry he
made at lady V----'s was in a careless manner; he was satisfied with my
reply, and spoke not of him since.
You will laugh perhaps when I tell you that I have not courage to
mention it first; Mr Faulkland is reckoned a very fine gentleman, and I
think it would have such an air of vanity to tell my husband that I
refused him: then it would bring on such a train of explanations, and
poor Miss Burchell's history must come out; for a husband on such a
subject might be disgusted with concealments of any kind; and I doubt
whether even some circumstances in my particular share of this story
might not displease him. In short, I am bewildered, and know not what to
wish for; but must e'en let things take their course, and rest satisfied
in the integrity of my own heart.
_August 26_
Oh! my dear! I am mortified to the last degree, lest Mr Arnold should,
from some indiscreet tongue, have received a hint of my former
engagement; he may think me disingenuous for never having mentioned it,
especially since Mr Faulkland has been in the neighbourhood: I think his
nature is too open to entertain any suspicions essentially injurious to
me; yet may this affair, circumstanced as it is, make an unfavourable
impression on him. I wish I had been before-hand with any officious
whisperer: he has got so many new acquaintance, and is so much abroad,
that the story may have reached his ears. God forbid it should affect
his mind with causeless uneasiness! I would Mr Faulkland were a thousand
miles from V---- hall. I think Mr Arnold is altered since his arrival
there--Colder he appears to be--I hope I but _fancy_ it--yet there _is_
a change--his looks are less kind--his voice has lost that tenderness,
that it used to have in speaking to me--yet this may only be his
temper--a man cannot _always_ be a lover--Oh! I sicken at the very
thought of Mr Arnold's entertaining a doubt of my true affection for
him. I would not live in this suspence for millions. I would rather he
should treat me roughly--if I discovered that to be his humour, though
it would frighten me, yet should I patiently conform to it.
_August 30_
That which was ever the terror of my thoughts is come upon me--Mr
Arnold--Ah! my dear Cecilia! Mr Arnold is no longer the same! Coldness
and indifference have at length succeeded to love, to complacency, and
the fondest attention--What a change! but the _cause_, my dear, that
remains a secret locked up in his own breast. It cannot be that a
whisper, an idle rumour should affect him thus. What if he _has_ heard
that Mr Faulkland loved me once? That we were to have been married?
Cannot he ask me the question? I long to set his heart at ease--yet
cannot mention the affair first, after so long a silence; it would look
like a consciousness. A consciousness of what? I have nothing to accuse
myself of.
_September 1_
I am no longer in doubt.--The cause, the fatal cause of Mr Arnold's
change is discovered. This miserable day has disclosed the secret to me;
a black, a complicated scene of mischief.
Mr Arnold rode out this morning. He told me he was to dine with a
gentleman at some miles distance, and should not return till late in the
evening.
He was but just gone, when a lady of my acquaintance called in upon me,
to request I would go with her to a play, that was to be performed at
night. You must know we have had a company of players in the
neighbourhood for some time past, and it was to one of those poor
people's benefits that she desired my company. I promised to attend her,
though you know I don't much admire those sort of entertainments in the
country, and seldom go to them.
The lady and her husband called upon me at the appointed hour, and I
went with them in their coach. The place which the players had fitted up
for their purpose, had formerly been a pretty large schoolroom, and
could, with the addition of a gallery (which they had made) with ease
contain above three hundred people. The play had been bespoke by some of
the principal ladies in the neighbourhood, who had used all their
interest for the performer, so that the house was as full as it could
hold. The audience consisting chiefly of fashionable people, it was with
difficulty that we reached the places which were kept for us in the pit,
as they happened to be on the bench next the stage, and the door was at
the other end of the house. The first object that I observed on my
coming in was Mr Faulkland; he bowed to me at a distance, but made no
attempts to approach me. The play was come to the latter end of the
fourth act, and the curtain was let down to make some preparation on the
stage, when we were alarmed with the cry of fire.
It happened that the carpenters, who had been employed in fitting up
this extempore theatre, had left a heap of shavings in a little place
behind the stage, which had been converted into a dressing-room; a
little boy belonging to the company had found a candle in it, and having
piled up the shavings, set them on fire, and left them burning: the
flame communicated itself to some dry boards which lay in the room, and
in a few minutes the whole was in a blaze. Some persons, who heard the
crackling of the wood, opened the door, when the flame burst out with
such violence, that the scenes were presently on fire, and the curtain,
which as I told you was dropt, soon caught it.
The consternation and terror of the poor people, whose _all_ was
destroying, is not to be described: the women shrieking, threw
themselves off the stage into the pit, as the smoke and flames terrified
them from attempting to get out any other way, though there was a door
behind the stage.
The audience were in little less confusion than they; for as the house
was composed chiefly of wood, every one expected it would soon be
consumed to ashes.
The horror and distraction of my mind almost deprived me of the power of
motion. My life was in imminent danger; for I was scorched with the fire
before I could get at any distance from the stage, though the people
were rushing out as fast as they could.
The lady who was with me was exceedingly frightned; but being under her
husband's care, had a little more courage than I had. He caught her
round the waist, and lifted her over the benches, which were very high,
giving me what assistance he could with his other hand. But the terror
and hurry I was in occasioned my foot to slip, and I fell between two of
the benches, and sprained my ancle.
Some people pushing to get out, rushed between me and my company; the
excessive pain I felt, joined to my fright, made me faint away; in this
condition Mr Faulkland found me, and carried me out in his arms; for my
companion was too anxious for her own safety, to suffer her husband to
stay to give me any assistance, so that he had only time to beg of the
men about him not to let me perish.
I soon recovered, upon being carried into the open air, and found myself
seated on some planks, at a little distance from the booth, Mr Faulkland
supporting me, and two or three other people about me, whom he had
called to my assistance.
Indebted to him as I was for saving my life, my spirits were at that
time too much agitated to thank him as I ought.
He told me, he had stepped behind the scenes to speak to somebody, and
was there when the stage took fire; that he then ran to give what
assistance he could to the ladies that were in the house (observe he
distinguished not _me_ in particular), and had just come in when he saw
me meet with the accident, which had occasioned my fainting away; and
when the gentleman, who was with me, was calling for help, but at the
same time getting out as fast as he could.
I now began to recollect myself; I was uneasy at Mr Faulkland's
presence; I wished him away. I beseeched him to return once more to the
booth, to see if every one had got out safe, for I told him I had seen
several of my female acquaintance there, for whom I was alarmed. With
the assistance of the people about me, I said I could make a shift to
get to the nearest house, which was not above a hundred yards off, from
whence I should send home for my chariot, which I had ordered to come to
me after the play. He begged I would give him leave to see me safe to
that house, but I would not permit him; and he left me in the care of
two women and a man, who had come to be spectators of the fire.
With the help of these people, I contrived to hobble (for my ancle
pained me exceedingly) to the place I mentioned, which happened to be a
public house. All the rooms below were full, and the woman of the house
very obligingly helped me up stairs into her own chamber. I called for a
glass of water, which was immediately brought me, and I desired the
woman to send some one to my house, which was at about a mile's
distance, to order my chariot to come to me immediately.
While the woman went to execute my instructions, I had thrown myself
into a chair that stood close to the wainscot. I heard a bell ring, and
presently a waiter entered, and asked if I wanted any thing; I told him,
no. He ran hastily out of the room, and entering the next to that where
I was sitting, I heard a voice, which I knew to be Mr Arnold's, ask,
Were the servants found? The man replying that they were not. Then, said
Mr Arnold, tell your mistress she will oblige me if she will let me have
her chaise to carry this lady home. The waiter presently withdrew, and
without reflecting on the particularity of Mr Arnold's being there with
a lady, about whom I formed no conjectures, I was about to rise off my
chair to go in to him; but being almost disabled from walking, I was
obliged to creep along, holding by the wainscot; when a tender
exclamation of Mr Arnold's stopped me. My dearest creature, said he to
his companion, you have not yet recovered your fright. A female voice
answered him with some fond expressions, which I could not hear
distinctly enough to discover whose it was; but I was soon put out of
doubt, when the lady added, in a louder tone, Do you know that your wife
was at the play to-night? Mr Arnold answered, No; I hope she did not see
me. Mrs Gerrarde, for I perceived it was she who spoke, replied, I hope
not, because perhaps she might expect you home after the play. Though Mr
Arnold, in his first emotion of surprize at hearing that I was at the
play, was only anxious lest I should have observed him, yet he was not
so lost to humanity as to be indifferent whether I escaped the flames or
not: I am surprized I did not see her, said he; I wish she may have got
out of the house safe. You are very sollicitous about her, replied Mrs
Gerrarde, peevishly; there was one there perhaps as anxious for her
preservation as you are--The conversation I found here was likely to
become extremely critical for me; but I was prevented from hearing any
more, by the woman of the house, who just then entered the room to ask
me how I did, and to know if I wanted any thing.
I had heard enough to convince me that my presence would be very
unacceptable both to Mr Arnold and his companion, and I resolved not to
interrupt them; nor, if possible, ever let Mr Arnold know that I had
made a discovery so fatal to my own peace, and so disadvantageous to him
and his friend.
The messenger who had been dispatched for my chariot met it by the way,
and was now returned with it; I was told that it was at the door; and it
was with difficulty I got down stairs, leaning on the woman of the
house.
I found Mr Faulkland at the door; he saw that I wished to disengage
myself from him after he had carried me out of the booth; and though
probably he did not take the trouble to excuse the sham commission I
gave him, which was indeed with no other view than to get him away, yet
I believe he had too much respect to intrude on me; and came then with
no other design than to enquire if my chariot had come for me, and how I
was after the terrible condition he had left me in, sitting at night in
the open air, with nobody but two or three ordinary people about me, and
those strangers. This was a piece of civility which humanity, had
politeness been out of the question, would have obliged him to. He told
me the fire was extinguished, and happily nobody had received any hurt;
and that he had only called at that house to know if I were safe, and
recovered from the fright and pain he had left me in. I thanked him, and
was just stepping, assisted by Mr Faulkland, into the chariot, when Mr
Arnold appeared at the door: he was alone, and I concluded, that having
heard the chariot rattle up the court-yard, he supposed it was the
carriage he had ordered for Mrs Gerrarde, and came down to see if it was
ready to receive her.
The light which the servant, who attended me out, held in his hand,
immediately discovered Mr Arnold and me to each other. I could easily
distinguish surprize mixed with displeasure in his countenance. He
asked me abruptly, How I came to that place? Which I told him, in few
words. The cold civility of a grave bow passed between him and Mr
Faulkland, who leaving me in my husband's hands, wished me a good night,
and got into my lord V----'s coach, which waited for him.
Though I knew, from the discourse I had overheard, that Mr Arnold did
not mean to go home with me, yet as I was now seated in the chariot, I
could not avoid asking him. He told me, he was engaged to sup with
company at that house, and that probably he should not be at home till
late. I knew this beforehand, and, without troubling him with any
farther questions, drove home.
I have thrown together the strange occurrences of this evening, as well
as the tumult of my spirits would give me leave: I shall now lay down my
pen, to consider of them a little more calmly. My heart sinks in me--Oh!
that I had remained in ignorance!--
Is it possible, my Cecilia, that Mr Arnold, so good a man, one who
married me for love, and who for these two years has been the tenderest,
the kindest husband, and to whom I never gave the most distant shadow of
offence, should at last be led into--I cannot name it--dare not think of
it--yet a thousand circumstances recur to my memory, which now convince
me I am unhappy! If I had not been blind, I might have seen it sooner. I
recollect some passages, which satisfy me that Mr Arnold's acquaintance
with Mrs Gerrarde did not commence at South-park. I remember lady V----
once asked me, had she and I been acquainted in London? I said, No. My
lord laughed, and in his blunt way said, I will swear your husband was,
for I have seen him hand her out from the play more than once. I never
asked Mr Arnold about this; it made no impression on me at the time it
was spoke, and went quick-out of my thoughts.
'Tis one o'clock: I hear Mr Arnold ring at the outer gate; I tremble all
over, and feel as if I feared to see him. Yet why should I fear? _I_
have not injured _him_.
_September 2_
Mr Arnold staid long enough in his dressing-room after he came in last
night, to give me time to go to-bed before he came up stairs. Not a word
passed between us: I slept not the whole night: whether he did or not I
cannot tell. He asked me this morning, when he rose, how I did: I told
him in great pain. My ancle was prodigiously swelled, and turned quite
black, for I had neglected it last night. He said, you had better let a
surgeon see it, and went carelessly out of the room. How new is
unkindness to me, my friend! you know I have not been used to it. Mr
Arnold adds cruelty too--but let it be so; far be reproaches or
complaints from my lips; to you only, my second self, shall I utter
them; to you I am bound by solemn promise, and reciprocal confidence, to
disclose the inmost secrets of my soul, and with you they are as safe as
in my own breast.--
I am once more composed, and determined on my behaviour. I have not a
doubt remaining of Mr Arnold's infidelity; but let me not aggravate my
own griefs, nor to a vicious world justify my husband's conduct, by
bringing any reproach on my own. The silent sufferings of the injured,
must, to a mind not ungenerous, be a sharper rebuke than it is in the
power of language to inflict.
But this is not all: I must endeavour, if possible, to skreen Mr Arnold
from censure. I hope his own imprudence may not render these endeavours
ineffectual. I am resolved not to drop my acquaintance with Mrs
Gerrarde. While we continue upon a footing of seeming intimacy, the
frequent visits, which I am sure Mr Arnold makes at her house, will be
less taken notice of.
How Sir George would triumph at the knowlege of Mr Arnold's deviating
from virtue! How my poor mother would be amazed and afflicted! But I
will, as far as lies in my power, disappoint the malice of my stars; my
mother shall have no cause to grieve, nor my brother to rejoice; the
secret shall die with me in my own bosom, and I will wait patiently,
till the hand of time applies a remedy to my grief.--Mrs Gerrarde sent a
message to enquire how I did. Conscious woman! she would not come
herself, though she knew not I had discovered her.
My dear good lady V---- hurried to see me the instant she had
breakfasted: Mr Faulkland had told her of my disaster, and her
tenderness soothed and comforted me much. She sat by my bed-side two
hours, and her discourse alleviated the pain both of my mind and body;
but now she has left me, I must again recur to the subject that wrings
my heart. Mr Arnold is enslaved to one of the most artful of her sex. I
look upon his attachment to be the more dangerous, as I believe it is
the first of the kind he ever had; and no woman was ever more formed to
please and to deceive, than she who now holds him in her chains. Into
what hands am I fallen! Mrs Gerrarde must have heard my story, and by
the hint I heard her drop, what cruel misrepresentations may she have
made to Mr Arnold! Mr Faulkland, she can have no enmity to; but me she
certainly hates, for she has injured me.
'Tis noon: I have not seen Mr Arnold since morning; he has been abroad
ever since he rose; Good God! is this the life I am condemned to lead?
A new scene of affliction is opened to me: surely my fate is drawing
towards a crisis. Mr Arnold has just left me. What conversation have we
had!
After entering my room, he walked about for some minutes without
speaking; at last stopping short, and fixing his eyes upon me, How long
have you, said he, been acquainted with Mr Faulkland? I told him my
acquaintance began with him some months before I was married. He was
once your lover I am informed. He was, and a treaty of marriage was
concluded on between us. You would have been happier perhaps, madam, if
it had taken place. I do not think so Mr Arnold, you have no reason to
suppose I do. I had a very great objection to Mr Faulkland, and obeyed
my mother willingly, when she forbid me to see him. I ask not what that
objection was, said he; but I suppose, madam, you will without
reluctance obey _me_, if I make the same request to you. Most
chearfully; you cannot make a request with which I should more readily
comply. But let me beseech you, Mr Arnold, to tell me, what part of my
behaviour has given you cause to think such a prohibition necessary? I
do not say, answered Mr Arnold, that I have any suspicion of your
virtue; but your acquiescence in this particular is necessary to _my_
peace and your _own_ honour. A lady's being _married_ does not cut off
the hopes of a gay man. You give me your promise that you will not see
him any more. I _do_, said I; I will give up lady V----, whose
acquaintance I so much esteem: I will go no more to her house while Mr
Faulkland continues there; and I know of no other family, where I visit,
that he is acquainted with.
My pride would not suffer me to enquire where he had got his
information: I already knew it too well; and fearing he would rather
descend to an untruth than tell me his author, I declined any farther
questions. He seemed satisfied with my promise, but quickly left me, as
if the whole end of his visit to me was accomplished in having obtained
it.
_September 8_
What painful minutes am I obliged to sustain! Mrs Gerrarde has been to
see me, gay and assured as ever. She affected to condole with me on the
accident that happened to my foot, with such an overstrained concern,
such a tender solicitude, that her insincerity disgusted me, if
possible, more than the other part of her behaviour. She told me, she
herself had been at the play, but very luckily had got out without
receiving any injury. I said, I was surprized I had not seen her there.
O, replied she, I was in a little snug corner, where nobody could see
me; for having refused to go with some ladies that asked me, I did not
chuse to be visible in the house, and so squeezed myself up into what
they called their gallery, for I took nobody with me but my maid.
Audacious woman!--Is it not strange, my dear, that Mr Arnold could be so
weak as to humour her in the absurd frolick of going with her to such a
place? for so it must have been; or perhaps she appointed him only to
call for her at the play; and he might have arrived but just in time to
assist her in getting out. No matter which it was.
_September 9_
I was born to sacrifice my own peace to that of other people; my life is
become miserable, but I have no remedy for it but patience.
Mr Arnold spends whole days abroad; at night we are separated on account
of my indisposition; so that we hardly ever converse together. What a
dreadful prospect have I before me! O! Cecilia, may you never experience
the bitterness of having your husband's heart alienated from you!
Lady V----, that best of creatures, is with me constantly; she presses
me to come to her house, as my ancle is now pretty well, yet I am
obliged to excuse myself. I am distressed to the last degree at the
conduct I shall be forced to observe towards her, yet dare not explain
the motive. Causeless jealousy is always the subject of ridicule, and at
all events Mr Arnold must not be exposed to this.
_September 12_
I am weary of inventing excuses for absenting myself from V---- hall. My
lady has done solliciting me, yet continues her friendly and
affectionate visits; I fear she guesses my situation, though she has not
as yet hinted at it; but her forbearing to press me any more on the
subject of going to her, and at the same time not requiring a reason for
this breach of civility as well as friendship, convinced me, that she
suspects the cause of my restraint. I am now perfectly recovered, yet
do I still confine myself to my house, to avoid as much as possible
giving umbrage to lady V----: but this restraint cannot last much
longer; Mrs Gerrarde teazes me to come to her, and I have promised to
make her my first visit.
_September 27_
Said I not that my fate was near its crisis? Where will this impending
ruin end? Take, my Cecilia, the occurrences of this frightful day.
Mr Arnold rode out this morning, and told me he should not return till
night. He asked me, with that indifference which now accompanies all his
words, How I meant to dispose of myself for the day? I told him, I had
no design of going abroad, and should spend my time in reading, or at my
needle. This was my real intention; but Mr Arnold had but just left the
house, when I received a message from Mrs Gerrarde to know how I did,
and to tell me she was not well, and much out of spirits, or she would
come and pass the day with me; but that she insisted on my dining with
her. As I had told Mr Arnold I did not mean to go out, I really had
neither intention nor inclination to do so. But shall I confess my
weakness to you? I suspected that he purposed spending the day (as he
often did) with Mrs Gerrarde, and the more so from the question he had
asked me on his going abroad; he thought I might probably pay her a
visit; and this intrusion was a circumstance he had a mind to be guarded
against, by knowing before-hand my designs. I had not been to see Mrs
Gerrarde since my recovery, and it was natural to suppose I would return
her visits. Possessed as I was with this opinion, her message gave me a
secret satisfaction, as it served to convince me Mr Arnold was not to be
with her, for she generally detained me late when I went to her house.
From what trivial circumstances will the afflicted draw consolation, or
an additional weight of grief? So it was, I felt a sort of pleasure, in
thinking, that for all that day at least Mr Arnold would absent himself
from my rival--My rival! mean word, she is not worthy to be called so;
from his mistress let it be. In short, I resolved to go, especially as
she had sent me word she was not well, and I knew my husband would be
pleased with my complaisance.
I went accordingly to her house, a little before her hour of dining,
which is much later than any body else's in this part of the world. I
found her dressed out, and seemingly in perfect health. She looked
surprized when she saw me; and I then supposed that she hoped to have
received a denial from me, and was disappointed at my coming; though I
wondered that the answer she received to her message had not prepared
her. This thought rushed into my mind in an instant, and I was sure she
expected Mr Arnold. I told her, if I had thought I should have found her
so well, that her message should not have brought me to her; for that I
had determined not to stir out that day, till her invitation prevailed
on me to change my mind. Sure, my dear, said she, there must have been
some mistake in delivering the message to you, it was for to-morrow I
desired the pleasure of your company to dine with me; for today I am
absolutely engaged. However, I am very glad you are come, for I shall
not go out till seven o'clock. I was vexed and mortified: either your
servant or mine made a mistake, said I, for I was told you desired to
see me to-day; besides you sent me word you were not well. She seemed a
little abashed at this: I _was_ very ill in the morning, she said; and
though I was engaged to spend the evening abroad, did intend to have
sent an excuse; but finding myself better, I changed my purpose.
Dinner was immediately served, and I sat down, but with a reluctance
that prevented me from eating. I would have taken my leave soon after
dinner, but Mrs Gerrarde insisted on my staying, and told me, if I
refused her, she should think I had taken something amiss of her. She
called for cards; I suffered myself to be persuaded, and we fell to
piquet.
I played with disgust, and without attention, every minute wishing to
break away. Coffee was at length brought in; I begged to be excused from
staying, telling Mrs Gerrarde, I was sure I prevented her from going
abroad, but she would take no denial. I was constrained to take a dish
of coffee, and was hastening to get it down when the parlour door flew
open, and lo! Mr Faulkland entered the room. If an object the most
horrible to human nature had appeared before me, it could not, at that
instant, have shocked me half so much. I let the cup and saucer drop
from my hand: to say I turned pale, trembled and was ready to faint,
would be too feeble a description of the effect this spectre had on me.
I was senseless, I almost died away. Mrs Gerrarde pretended to be
greatly alarmed; she ran for drops, and having given me a few in a glass
of water, I made a shift to rise off my chair, and telling her, I should
be glad of a little air, tottered to the street door. I determined to go
home directly, but the universal tremor I was now in, disabled me from
walking, and I sat down in the porch to recover myself a little. Mr
Faulkland's having been a witness to the agony his presence had thrown
me into, did not a little aggravate the horror and confusion of my
thoughts. Whatever _his_ were, he had not spoke to me, nor was it
possible for me to have remarked his behaviour: I staid not more than
two minutes in the parlour after he entered. In this situation you will
think my distress would hardly admit of any addition; but the final blow
was yet to come. Mrs Gerrarde had staid a minute in the parlour to speak
to Mr Faulkland after I went out, but presently followed me, and was
soothing me with the kindest expressions, when I heard the trampling of
horses, and presently beheld Mr Arnold alighting at the door. I now gave
myself up for lost. My mind suddenly suggested to me that Mrs Gerrarde
had contrived a plot upon my innocence; but how she had been able to
bring it about, my thoughts were not then disengaged enough to conceive.
My mind was all a chaos; I was not able to answer Mr Arnold when he
spoke to me. He soon perceived my disorder, and enquired the cause. Mrs
Gerrarde took upon her to answer, that I was just preparing to go home,
when I was taken suddenly ill. I was going abroad, said she, and as I
ordered the chariot much about this hour, I fancy it is ready, and may
as well carry Mrs Arnold home; you had best step into the parlour, my
dear, (to me) till it is brought to the door.
I am now able to walk, madam, said I; there is no occasion to give you
that trouble. Mr Arnold said, I should not walk by any means; and Mrs
Gerrarde immediately calling to a servant to order the chariot to the
door, said, as she was going out, she would leave me at home herself. Mr
Arnold answered, it would be the best way, and that he should follow
soon. The chariot was presently at the door, and I was preparing to get
into it, when Mrs Gerrarde cry'd, Bless me, I had forgot, it will not be
so civil to leave the gentleman behind, without saying any thing to him.
Mr Arnold hastily asked, What Gentleman? Mrs Gerrarde replied, Mr
Faulkland, _who took it into his head_ to make me a visit this evening.
She went quickly into the parlour, and strait returned with Mr
Faulkland; who bowing carelessly to Mr Arnold, and civilly to me, walked
away.
Mrs Gerrarde stepped into the chariot to me, and ordered it to drive to
my house, leaving Mr Arnold standing motionless at her door.
A total silence prevailed on my side during our short journey home,
except to answer in monosyllables Mrs Gerrarde's repeated enquiries
after my health. She set me down at my own door, and took her leave
without alighting. When I found myself alone, I began to consider the
consequences of this evening's fatal interview; an interview, which,
though unthought of by me, I judged was contrived to ensnare me. I laid
all the circumstances together, and endeavoured to unravel the clue.
'Tis plain to me Mr Arnold was expected by Mrs Gerrarde this evening.
She sent for me on purpose to betray me; the message, which she
pretended was delivered wrong, was only an artifice, in order to impose
on Mr Arnold, that he might imagine she did not expect me. Indeed, he
could not possibly think she should send for me on the very evening he
was to be with her; and she had so well guarded her contrivance, that it
was not easily to be detected. She had sent her message by word of
mouth, though she generally wrote them down on paper, but this way would
not have been liable to misconstruction: she had told me she was engaged
in the evening, yet detained me longer than I meant to stay. From the
first of these circumstances, it must appear to Mr Arnold, that as I had
come unwished for, she wanted to get rid of me; the latter obviously
served her own purpose; for it is as clear as daylight that she laid her
plan so as that Mr Arnold should find Mr Faulkland and me together. All
this I have deduced from a long train of reasoning on the circumstances.
But the inexplicable part of the mystery is how she contrived to get Mr
Faulkland, with whom I did not think she was acquainted, to visit her at
so fatally critical a juncture. Sure some evil spirit must have assisted
her in this wicked scheme: she knew, no doubt, of the promise Mr Arnold
had exacted of me, never to see him. The apparent breach of this
promise, she may have art enough to persuade Mr Arnold was concerted on
my side. But I hope I shall be able to clear myself of this cruel
imputation to my husband. Truth must force its way into his mind, if he
is not resolved on my destruction. Perhaps Mr Faulkland may be secretly
Mrs Gerrarde's admirer, and Mr Arnold is the dupe to her perfidy, as I
am the sacrifice to her malice and licentiousness.--'Tis all a strange
riddle, but I cannot remain long in this dismal state of suspence; Mr
Arnold, perhaps, may discover her treachery, while she is endeavouring
to destroy me in his good opinion.
I am waiting here like a poor criminal, in expectation of appearing
before my judge. I wish Mr Arnold were come in, yet I dread to see him.
I might have spared myself the anxiety. Mr Arnold is just returned, but
he has locked himself into another chamber. I will not molest him
tonight; to-morrow, perhaps, he may be in better temper, and I may be
able to justify myself to him, and dispel this frightful gloom that
hangs over us.
_September 13_
Hopes and fears are at an end, and the measure of my afflictions is
filled up.
I went to bed last night, but slept not; the hours were passed in
agonies not to be described. I think all griefs are magnified by silence
and darkness. I well knew, prepossessed as Mr Arnold was by my artful
enemy, I should find it difficult to excuse myself, or persuade him,
that chance, or Mrs Gerrarde's more wicked contrivance, had been the
sole cause of what had given him such offence. I was resolved, however,
to vindicate my innocence, and was, in my own thoughts, preparing my
defence the greatest part of the night. Towards morning, weariness and
grief overpowered me, and I fell asleep, but I enjoyed not this repose
long. Some noise that was made in the house suddenly awakened me; I saw
it was broad day, and looking at my watch, found it was past seven
o'clock. I rang my bell, and Patty entering my room, I enquired if her
master was yet stirring. The poor girl looked aghast, He is gone away on
horseback, madam, said she, almost two hours ago; and he ordered his man
to put up some linnen and a few other things in a small portmanteau. I
believe he means not to return to-night; for he bid me to deliver this
letter to you. I opened the letter with trembling hands, from whence I
received my doom in the following words:
'You have broken your faith with me, in seeing the man whom I forbad you
to see, and whom you so solemnly promised to avoid. As you have betrayed
my confidence in this particular, I can no longer rely on your prudence
or your fidelity. Whatever your designs may be, it will be less to my
dishonour if you prosecute them from under your husband's roof. I
therefore give you till this day se'nnight to consider of a place for
your future abode; for one house must no more contain two people, whose
hearts are divided. Our children remain with me, and the settlement
which was made on you in marriage, shall be appropriated to your
separate use.
'I have left home to avoid expostulations, nor shall I return to it till
I hear you have removed yourself. Spare the attempt of a justification,
which can only aggravate the resentment of your already too-much injured
husband.'
I have for a while suppressed the tumult in my soul, to give you this
shocking letter.
O my Cecilia! What a wretched lot is thy unhappy friend's! To be
neglected, forsaken, despised, by a husband that I love! Yet I could
bear that: but to be suspected, accused too! to be at once the miserable
object of jealousy and scorn! Surely they know nothing of the human
heart, who say that jealousy cannot subsist without affection; I have a
fatal proof to the contrary. Mr Arnold loves me not, yet doubts my
honour. Cruel, mean, detestable suspicion! Oh that vile woman! 'tis she
has done this; like a persecuting dæmon she urges on the ruin which she
set on foot.
What can I do? Whither can I fly? I cannot remain here any longer; my
presence banishes Mr Arnold from his home. If I go to my mother under
such circumstances, it will break her heart; yet she must know it. I
must not wait to be turned out of my own doors. That thought is not to
be borne. I will go this instant, no matter whither.
_September 15_
God preserve me in my senses! I have passed two days and two nights I
know not how; in silence and without food, Patty tells me. But I think I
am a little recovered. I will write to my mother, and beg of her to open
her arms to receive her miserable child. I am collected enough, and know
what to say.
I had just dispatched my letter, incoherent as it is, and blotted with
my tears, when Patty brought me one that had come by the post. I knew my
dear mother's hand on the superscription, and kissed it before I opened
it. See, my sister, how the tenderest of parents write to her unhappy
child, whom she fondly believes to be the darling of her husband, and
blessed with domestic felicity.
My beloved Sidney,
I find age and infirmities are advancing a-pace upon me. My last
illness shook me severely, and has left a memorandum of what I may
expect in the next visit it makes me. Your family cares are now so
much enlarged, that I cannot expect, nor do I desire that you
should undertake a journey to Sidney-castle to pay me a short
visit; yet, my dear, as you are the comfort of my age, I cannot,
in the present precarious state of my health, bear to be at such a
distance from you; while God permits me strength I will lay hold
of his bounty, and endeavour to get to London. You have told me
that you are not conveniently circumstanced at South-park as to
room; I will not therefore incommode you, but shall content myself
with waiting your arrival in town, at your house in St.
James's-street; but do not hasten your departure from the country
on this account. I am in no immediate danger, my dear, only
willing to lay hold of an interval of health, to get nearer to
you. If God prolongs my life, what joy will it be to me to spend
next winter with my darling, and her dear good Arnold, and to
feast my eyes with my lovely grandchildren!
If I am called from you, I shall have the comfort of my child's
affectionate hands to close my eyes; and shall leave the world
without regret, as I have lived to see my Sidney happy in the arms
of a good man, who will supply the loss of parents, and unite in
himself those tender ties which nature must soon dissolve.
My prayers for yours, and my dear son's prosperity, I never fail
to offer up to Heaven. Your brother George is with me, and desires
to be remembered to you; he purposes staying here the greatest
part of the winter.
As I hope to reach London by the latter end of the week, direct
your next to me at your own house in town.
I am,
My dear love,
Your most sincerely,
affectionate mother,
DOROTHY BIDULPH.
My heart is bursting--O Cecilia! What will become of my fond, my dear,
venerable parent, when she finds this daughter, this comfort of her age,
this beloved of her soul, a poor abandoned outcast; lost to her
husband's love, turned out of his doors, despised, disgraced! My
children too--I must leave them behind--My God, for what calamities hast
thou ordained thy creature! Tears, tears, you may well flow!
So! I am relieved, and will endeavour to fortify my soul against the two
events, that appear to me horrid as an approaching execution to a guilty
wretch, the parting with my children, and the meeting with my mother. As
the letter I wrote will miss of her at Sidney-castle, I shall write to
London, to prepare her to receive the wretch whom her imagination has
figured to her so happy.
Lady V----! I hear her coming up stairs--I cannot conceal my affliction,
nor my disgrace.
Lady V---- has left me: left me in astonishment and new horror. Mrs
Gerrarde! Who do you think Mrs Gerrarde is? She is the aunt of Miss
Burchell, that aunt who betrayed her to destruction. Sure this woman was
sent into the world for a scourge!
I cannot collect myself to tell you with any method, the conversation
that passed between lady V---- and me. She found me with the marks of
tears on my face; they streamed again at the sight of her; I could not
conceal the cause, and I put Mr Arnold's letter into her hands, for I
was not able to tell her the purport of it.
This is Mrs Gerrarde's doing, said she, the detestable creature! How
could she work on your infatuated husband, to drive him such horrid
lengths? I know not, said I, but I hope my lady V---- believes me
innocent. Innocent, she exclaimed! My dear creature, your sufferings
almost make me mad. Do you know that Mrs Gerrarde has an intrigue with
your husband? I fear so, madam, I replied, but I hoped it was not
publick. Poor child, said lady V----, his attachment to her has been no
secret, ever since he came down to this country, though probably you
were the last to suspect it. I have often dreaded the consequences of
it, but never imagined it would have come to this; I always had a bad
opinion of the woman, and only kept up a face of civility to her in her
husband's time, on account of her niece, a charming girl that then lived
with her; but since Miss Burchell has left her, I have almost dropt my
acquaintance with her; though my lord, who had an old friendship for
captain Gerrarde, persuades me to be civil to her.
The name of Miss Burchell had struck me speechless. The clue was now
unravelled. With what an unremitting zeal has this base woman gone on in
her career of iniquity? Lady V----, who was intirely taken up with the
thoughts of my unhappiness, took no notice of my silence or confusion.
What do you mean to do, my dear Mrs Arnold, said she? Do you think it is
not possible, by the interposition of friends, to disabuse your
unfortunate husband? For unfortunate he is, in a higher degree than
yourself, as you have conscious innocence to support you. Oh madam, said
I, it is in vain to think of it! Mrs Gerrarde has struck the blow
effectually. Were Mr Arnold left to the workings of his own heart, he
might, perhaps, relent; but that woman, like my evil genius and his,
will take care to keep his suspicions alive. She possesses his whole
heart, and my removal is become necessary, to the quiet of them both. I
have taken this resolution, I will immediately quit this house, and
leave it to a righteous God to vindicate me in his own time. You should
go no where but to my house, said lady V----, with tears in her eyes,
but that I think it an improper situation for you, while Mr Faulkland is
my guest. He will be distracted when he hears of this. I conjured lady
V---- not to tell him: my being parted from my husband cannot long be a
secret, said I, but the cause may. Lady V---- told me that Mr Faulkland
was that very morning set out for Sidney-castle, to see my brother;
having received a letter from him the day before, in which he told him
that my mother was going in a day or two to London, and begged he would
come and spend a week with him. She added, that Mr Faulkland purposed
doing so, and then to return to V---- hall, as my lord had obtained a
promise from him to stay some time longer with them; at least till the
old lady's affairs were settled, who had left her fortune to Mr
Faulkland, and to whom my lord V---- was executor.
I told lady V---- I depended on her friendship, to keep this affair a
secret from Mr Faulkland, lest the heat of his temper should make him
take such notice of it, as might render my separation from Mr Arnold
doubly injurious to my character. Lady V---- saw the necessity of this
caution, and promised to observe it. She expressed great surprize at Mr
Faulkland's visiting Mrs Gerrarde, whom she said, she did not imagine he
had been acquainted with. He is no stranger, said she, to your husband's
amour with her, as it has often been a topic of discourse between my
lord and me; and I can hardly think he would be so indelicate as to
carry on a love-affair with such an abandoned creature; especially as I
have often heard him express the utmost detestation of her, on account
of her robbing you of your husband's affection; which I had observed for
a good while. But there is no knowing mankind, added she: if that should
be the case, you may depend upon it that vile Gerrarde has laid her plan
deeper than we are aware of, and would out-swear us all, that Faulkland
came to her house for no other purpose, than to have an opportunity of
seeing you; who to be sure, she said, had given him a private hint to
meet you there. Now the worst of it is, it is impossible to have this
matter cleared up to your husband, without Mr Faulkland's concurrence,
and that you will not consent to. By no means, I replied, I would not
for the world have Mr Faulkland interfere in my justification. If the
affair should really be as you have suggested, a little time may,
perhaps, discover this wicked woman to Mr Arnold, and it will not then
be so difficult to clear my innocence. At present, her influence over
him is too powerful for me to combat with; and I know he wishes for
nothing more than to free himself from the restraint that my presence
lays him under.
Lady V---- acquiesced in my opinion, and said, she hoped a little time
would chace away the dark cloud that now hung over me. She staid with me
the whole day; it was a day of tears: the dear woman was quite subdued
at parting with me. I see you no more, dear lady V----, said I; I shall
go to London in two days--Preserve your fortitude, dearest Mrs Arnold,
she replied; the time will come when your husband will repent of the
bitter distress he has occasioned to you; my lord and I will use our
utmost endeavours to convince him of his error.--We shall meet in
London, my dear, I shall go thither early in the winter on purpose--Have
courage--Your innocence _must_ be cleared. I answered her not, my heart
was too full. We embraced, and lady V---- parted from me in silence.
I have written to my mother, and directed my letter to St
James's-Street. I would have her prepared for the shock before she sees
me; a shock, which I fear she will not be able to sustain.
_September 16_
Mrs Gerrarde has never called or sent to me since I was at her house.
She has effected her purpose, and is contented without a triumph.
I am prepared for my departure. To-morrow I turn my back upon my
husband's house, and upon my children. I have been weeping over them
this hour as they lie asleep in their nurse's arms. But I will look at
them no more.--Poor Patty is almost dead with grief; she would fain go
with me, but I have persuaded her to stay: I can rely on her fidelity
and her tenderness towards my children; she says, she _will_ be as
precious of them as the apple of her eyes, and will give me an account
of their welfare from time to time. Sure Mr Arnold will not turn _her_
out too; she is an excellent manager, and he cannot do without a
housekeeper.
I have been debating with myself whether I should write to Mr Arnold or
not, and have at length determined to depart in silence. It is an easy
matter for the guilty to make as bold asseverations as the innocent, and
nothing which I could now assert would make an impression on him. Had I
only his suspicions to combat, there might be hopes: but his _heart_ is
alienated from me; and while it continues attached to another, I despair
of his listening to the voice of reason or of justice. If ever his eyes
are opened, his error will prove sufficient punishment to him--Perhaps
my mother or my brother may put me in a way--My conduct, in time, I
hope, may justify me--Mean while I will not condescend to the weak
justification of words.
_September 18_
I have bid adieu to South-park, and arrived this morning in London in a
hired carriage, for I would not take one of Mr Arnold's. I found my
mother at the house in St James's-street, where I now am: she got here
late last night, and my letter had thrown her into agonies, from which
she had not yet recovered. What have you wrote to me, said she, as she
held me in her arms? your dreadful letter has almost killed me--Sure,
sure, my dear child, it cannot be true that you have left your husband!
What is the cause? What have _you_ done? or, What has _he_ done? I
begged my mother to compose herself a little, and then related to her
every circumstance, in the same manner you have had them as they
occurred. Her lamentations pierced my heart; she wrung her hands in
bitterness of anguish; Why did not the grave hide me, said she, before I
saw shame and sorrow heaped upon my child. I came to die in peace with
you--You might have lengthened my days for a while--But you cut them
off--My eyes will close in affliction--A wounded spirit who can bear!
Had you died in your cradle, we had both been happy. My child would now
have been a cherub, an angel you would have been in my eyes, and I am
punished for it; but that was _my_ crime, not your's. But you are a
martyr to the crimes of others.
My mother wept not all this time; I wished she had; her passionate looks
and tones affected me more than tears could. My eyes began to run over,
her's soon accompanied me, and it a little relieved the vehemence of her
grief.
She then began to reproach herself for having listened to lady
Grimston's suggestions in favour of Mr Arnold, and for her own
solliciting this fatal marriage. But I stopped her, on a subject which I
knew would so much torment her thoughts. I conjured her not to reflect
on it in that manner; I told her I knew she had acted for the best, and
that nothing but an extraordinary fatality, which could neither be
foreseen nor avoided, had made me unhappy. I said I was sure Mr Arnold
had been seduced by the wiles of a wicked woman, for that he was by
nature a good man, and that he had more of my pity than of my
resentment.
I found it necessary to reconcile my mother to herself on this head; she
seemed willing to lay hold on the hint, and turned all her indignation
against Mrs Gerrarde. A _practised_ sinner, she called her, for whom
nothing could be said in extenuation of her crime.
We now turned our thoughts towards fixing on some other abode. You may
be sure Mr Arnold's house is no place for us; and my mother declared she
would not stay another night in it: accordingly we have dispatched her
maid to take us lodgings immediately.
_September 21_
We have quickly shifted the scene, my dear Cecilia, and are settled, at
least for the present, in very handsome lodgings in St Alban's-street.
We came to them last night, and my mother seems a little less disturbed
than she was. I pray God spare her life, but I fear I shall not long
enjoy that blessing. She is sadly altered since I last saw her; a
dropsical complaint is stealing on her fast, her legs are swelled, and
she has intirely lost her appetite; yet if her mind were a little more
at ease, I should hope, that by the assistance she can have here, she
might be enabled to hold out against this disorder for a good while. I
endeavour to suppress my own grief, that I may not increase her's.
VOLUME II
_September 21_
I was surprized to-day by a visitor to my mother. Miss Burchell came to
pay her respects to her: I have told you they corresponded. My mother,
it seems, had given her notice of the time she intended being in town:
the young lady had been to wait on her in St James's Street, and was
from thence directed by the servant, who kept the house, to our new
lodgings.
She is really a very lovely young woman; and there is something so
insinuating in her manner, that there is no seeing her without being
prejudiced in her favour. She changed colour when my mother presented me
to her by my name; but, at the same time, surveyed me with a scrutinous
eye. My mother asked her, had she seen Mr Faulkland since his return to
England. She answered, No, with a sigh; but that she believed he had
been to Putney. To see his son, said my mother? without reflecting, that
Miss Burchell had avoided mentioning that circumstance, and stopped upon
naming the place where the child was at nurse. Yes, she replied, in a
timorous accent, and stealing a look at me. The woman told me, that a
young gentleman had been there about six weeks ago, who said he came
from the child's father abroad, and made her a handsome present. As I
did not then know Mr Faulkland was returned to England, I should not
have suspected it was he himself who had called, if his housekeeper
(that gentlewoman in whose care he left me) had not come to me from him.
She is settled now in a lodging-house; and Mr Faulkland, on his coming
to London, went to her, to enquire where the child was. She told me he
inquired civilly after me, and gave her a letter for me, which the
good-natured woman joyfully brought me; but it contained nothing but a
bill of a hundred pounds, with two or three lines, polite indeed, but
not kind, to inform me it was for the child's use; and I have heard
nothing of him since.
My mother told her, that as Mr Faulkland was returned again, probably to
continue in England, she did not despair of his being brought to do her
justice; especially as she must suppose the sight of the child had made
an impression on him. She then, without ceremony, entered into a detail
of my unhappy story: she was full of it; and being, as you know, of a
very communicative temper, made no scruple to inform Miss Burchell of
every particular. She seemed very much affected with the story, and grew
red and pale by turns; especially at finding her aunt so deeply
concerned in it. She exclaimed against her barbarity, reproached Mr
Arnold for his injurious suspicions, and condoled obligingly with me on
the wrongs I had received; and yet, my Cecilia, would you believe it, I
thought I could discover, through all this, that Miss Burchell was not
entirely free from doubt in regard to my innocence. This observation I
gathered only from certain looks that she cast at me, as my mother
related the passages. There are little minute touches on the countenance
sometimes, which are so transient they can hardly be overtaken by the
eye, and which, from the passions being strongly guarded that give rise
to these emotions, are so slight, that a common observer cannot discover
them at all. I am sure my mother did not; but my sensibility was
particularly rouzed at her relating a story that I did not then wish to
have divulged; and I was too much interested in the narrative, not to
attend precisely to its effects on the hearer. I am neither angry with,
nor surprized at, Miss Burchell, for her scepticism on this occasion.
She loves Mr Faulkland, and had not herself the power to resist him: she
knows he once loved me, and may fancy he does so still; nay, thinks
perhaps I am not indifferent towards him: she is a stranger to _my_
heart; but is convinced, that her aunt is base enough, first to ensnare
to vice, and then to betray. Upon the whole, there is nothing unnatural
in her suspicions; but I think they could not proceed from a virtuous
mind.
Upon Miss Burchell's taking leave, my mother gave her a general
invitation to come to her as often as she had leisure; telling her, she
must not take it amiss if she did not return her visits, as her health
would not permit her to go much abroad.
Miss Burchell, it seems, has a house (not lodgings) in a retired street
in Westminster, where she has been ever since she quitted her aunt, to
whom she never discovered where she lived. Her fortune enables her to
appear very genteelly in the private manner she chuses to live. She goes
but seldom into publick, and has but a narrow circle of acquaintance.
Those are all of her own sex, and of the best character; and she has had
the good fortune to preserve her reputation unsuspected; so that, I
hope, she may yet retrieve her error by an advantageous match, should Mr
Faulkland still continue averse to her.
_September 28_
I have had a letter from Patty: she tells me, her master is returned
home; and adds, 'To be sure, that vile wicked wretch let him know you
were gone.' She says, he called for the two dear babes, and kissed them
both. Patty carried the youngest to him in her arms, the other in her
hand, and she says, he looked troubled. How came you not to follow your
lady, Mrs Martha, said he? She replied, My Lady was willing, Sir, that I
should stay to look after the children--And to be a spy upon my actions,
I suppose: Is that not to be part of your employment too? Ah! Patty,
Patty; Mrs Arnold had better have looked to her own conduct. Patty made
no answer, but retired in tears. Every one in the house, she writes, is
broken-hearted; but that Mr Arnold is never at home, spending his whole
time with Mrs Gerrarde, whom the girl, in the overflowings of her zeal
for me, heartily execrates. She informed him, that I was gone to London,
and purposed living with my mother, who was now there.
_October 7_
I have just received a letter from Lady V----. She tells me she sent
twice to Mr Arnold to dine with them, in order, if possible, to lead him
into a conversation, by which they hoped, in some measure, to have
cleared my innocence, as my lord could take upon him to justify Mr
Faulkland; but he declined coming, not knowing, perhaps, that Mr
Faulkland was absent from V---- hall. She said, her lord had gone to
South-Park; but either Mr Arnold was not at home, or denied himself. My
Lady adds, 'It is a delicate affair to interpose in; yet would I have
ventured to have wrote to your husband, if I had been sure that you had
no objection to my telling him, that you had made me privy to the cause
of your parting: 'tis plain, by his avoiding us, it is a subject he does
not care to come to an explanation upon. Let me have your sentiments,
and I will act accordingly.'
I shall answer Lady V----'s letter directly, and beg of her to leave
the matter as it is. Mrs Gerrarde's testimony will have more weight than
all my good lord or lady could urge in my favour: besides, they are not
furnished with sufficient weapons to combat against such an enemy: they
know nothing of Miss Burchell's story; my regard to _her_ character
prevented me from giving my lady this specimen of her aunt's baseness. I
suppose the same reason may have closed Mr Faulkland's lips on that
subject: so that they have nothing to allege against Mrs Gerrarde, which
would help to invalidate her testimony with regard to Mr Faulkland and
me. Mr Arnold, indeed, knows that she has forfeited her pretensions to
modesty; but the delusion of self-love blinds a man in those cases; and
he can believe, that _truth_, _sincerity_, and _justice_, inhabit the
bosom of her, whose passion for _him_ alone has caused a deviation from
chastity.
I cannot think of exposing the poor Miss Burchell by giving up her
secret. Though it might contribute to clear me, by turning Mr Arnold's
suspicions on Mrs Gerrarde, yet would she have great reason to resent
it; more especially as she is now, by a blameless life, endeavouring to
blot out the memory of her fault. Though my Lady V---- is very prudent,
her zeal for me, and my lord's good-natured earnestness in my cause,
might render them unguarded on the occasion; and should they attempt to
make use of this secret, in order to eliminate Mrs Gerrarde, it might,
at the same time, bring malicious censures both on Miss Burchell and Mr
Faulkland.
I think, upon the whole, my mother is the properest person to mediate on
this occasion. When Mr Arnold comes to town, she can, with due
tenderness to the young lady, disclose the whole affair to him. The
knowlege of this black part of Mrs Gerrarde's character, joined to her
arguments, may perhaps have some weight; though, to tell you the secret
bodings of my heart, I expect not much from this. I have lost my
husband's love; Mrs Gerrarde possesses it all; and who knows whether he
even wishes to lose his pretence for abandoning an unhappy wife. I wish,
however, Mr Faulkland were returned to V---- hall: should Mr Arnold know
of his absence at this juncture, he might imagine possibly he was gone
in quest of me.
_October 12_
How the scene is changed, my sister! What a melancholy reverse is here,
to my late prospect of domestic happiness! I pass my nights in tears,
and bitter reflections on my dismal situation. My days are spent in a
painful constraint, to conceal the anguish of my own heart, that I may
not aggravate that of my poor mother. My endeavours to be chearful, I
perceive, have a good effect on her; she is much more composed, and
seems resigned to our fate, patiently waiting for a change. I think too
she is rather better in her health; she has had the advice of a
physician of eminent skill; the medicines prescribed, he gives us hopes,
will keep her disorder at least from gaining ground; and that she may
hold out for some years.
I have prevailed on her not to give Sir George an account of my unhappy
story, till I hear that Mr Faulkland has left him; because I know my
brother would conceal nothing from him; and, if possible, I would have
Mr Arnold's suspicions of _Him_ concealed. I have many reasons for this;
my own delicacy would receive a wound by it; for who knows what judgment
Mr Faulkland might form on this knowlege? But my most material objection
is, should he attempt to vindicate his own honour, what might be the
consequence! I shudder to think of it. I know Mr Faulkland is rash, when
provoked. Rather let my sufferings and my disgrace lie wrapped in
oblivion, than bring any disaster on the father of my children.
_October 16_
Another letter from Lady V----. She tells me, that Mr Faulkland is
returned from his visit to my brother. He was soon informed of my
parting with Mr Arnold; 'tis the talk of the neighbourhood; every body
lays it on Mrs Gerrarde. Mr Faulkland was very inquisitive to learn
particulars from my lady, which, he said, he was sure I had told her;
but she took care not to give him the least hint which could lead him to
suppose that _He_ had any share in my fate. She says, he raves like a
madman; and that she finds it absolutely necessary to keep him in
ignorance of the truth. She was obliged to tell him, that my having
discovered Mr Arnold's amour with Mrs Gerrarde, she believed, was the
sole cause of our separation. He asked her, Was she _sure_ there was no
other? adding, That he thought my temper had been too gentle, to fly, on
a sudden, to such extremes. My lady took occasion to ask him, Whether he
did not visit Mrs Gerrarde? He replied, He did sometimes, having
formerly known her at Bath. She concludes with telling me, That Mr
Arnold is become quite invisible to every friend he has, Mrs Gerrarde
engrossing him wholly.
I hope Mr Faulkland may not suspect how much _He_ is concerned in my
misfortune: my absenting myself, for some time before I left home, from
V---- hall, and my departure from my husband, immediately after my
interview with Mr Faulkland at Mrs Gerrarde's, may raise some distrust
in his mind; but, while it continues merely surmise, he can have no
pretence for requiring an explanation from Mr Arnold; so that, if my
husband keeps his own council, which he seems inclined to do, and my
lord and lady V---- preserve the secret, I shall rest satisfied.
_October 20_
My mother has written to Sir George, and given him a full account of my
situation, with a request, which I prevailed on her to make, that he
would not take any notice of the affair till he saw us. My brother,
perhaps, may think of a way, with tenderness and safety, to remove Mr
Arnold's doubts, without farther exposing my reputation, or laying my
husband open to mischief. A prudent, cool, and at the same time zealous
friend, might devise some means to effect this; but I fear my brother's
disregard to Mr Arnold, his diminished love for me, and his resentment
to my mother, will prevent him from engaging with that alacrity or
precaution that the nicety of circumstances may require. I will,
therefore, wait with patience, till God, in his own time, shall raise me
from the state of humiliation into which I am fallen.
_October 22_
With what a tortoise pace does time advance to the wretched! how dismal
are those hours which are spent in reflecting on lost happiness. O
Faulkland! how light was thy transgression, if we consider the
consequences, compared to that which has driven me from my home, and
from my children! steeled my husband's heart against me, heaped infamy
on _my_ head, and loaded my mother's age with sorrow and remorse! All
this is the fatal consequence of Mr Arnold's breach of his marriage-vow:
all this, and much more, I fear, that is to come.
We keep ourselves entirely concealed from the knowlege of all our
acquaintance: not a mortal visits us, but, now and then, Miss Burchell;
and I have never stirred out of doors but to church.
_October 28_
Sir George has answered my mother's letter, just as I feared he would:
he speaks of Mr Arnold with more contempt and aversion, than he does of
me with pity or brotherly kindness. He says, 'It is well for him, that
Mr Faulkland knows not of his injurious suspicions of him, or he would
vindicate himself in a manner he little thinks of.' He tells us, He does
not know (at this distance) how to advise; but that, as I am of so
_patient_ and _forbearing_ a spirit, he thinks my wrongs may sleep till
he comes to town, which cannot yet be these three or four weeks, having
leases to renew with his tenants, and abundance of other business to do
in the country.--So much for George's tenderness.
_October 29_
My comforts are circumscribed within a very narrow compass; for I cannot
reckon one, but what I receive from poor Patty's letters, who never
fails to send me weekly an account of my dear little children. They are
well, thank God, and not yet abandoned by their father; but even the
knowlege of this is imbittered by repeated hints of Mr Arnold's lost
condition. Lost, I may call it; for his whole soul is absorbed in the
mad pursuit of his own ruin. The poor girl, in the bitterness of her
indignation, tells me, he has made Mrs Gerrarde a present of a favourite
little pad of mine: she says, she had a mind to tear her off, when she
saw her mounted upon it.
I wish not to be told of any of Mr Arnold's motions, and should forbid
Patty to write to me any thing upon the subject, but that I fear my
letter might fall into Mr Arnold's hands: his curiosity might lead him
to open it (for the conscious mind will descend to meannesses); and, if
he should see my prohibition, he would be satisfied that his servant was
too free in her censures. I am sure he is quite unconcerned at _my_
knowing his conduct; but I would not, nevertheless, for my children's
sake, bring this tender, faithful, poor creature into disgrace with him,
by convincing him of the liberty she takes, though he may very naturally
suspect it.
_October 30_
A lady of our acquaintance, who happened to see me at church, came to
pay me a visit to-day. It seems, she is intimate with the widow Arnold,
who told her, very lately, that she was impatient for the commencement
of term, as she then expected the cause depending between her and us
would be brought to a final issue, and determined intirely in her
child's favour. This account alarmed my poor mother so much, that she
could not be easy till she sent for our lawyer, who was so obliging as
to come upon the first summons. She acquainted him with the cause of
her apprehensions; and asked him, whether there was any likelihood of
the widow's succeeding. He laughed at my mother's fears, and at our
antagonist's flourishes, as he called them; and said, he would not give
a bent six-pence to ensure Mr Arnold's estate to him, which the ensuing
term, he says, will put out of the reach of doubt. This assurance has
quieted our anxiety on that head. The loss of our suit would indeed be a
dreadful blow, as we should have nothing then remaining but my small
jointure, for the support of Mr Arnold, myself, and our two children;
not to mention Mrs Gerrarde, who, I have reason to believe, has been no
inconsiderable sharer in Mr Arnold's fortune.
_November 4_
Six melancholy weeks are gone since I have been here, I may say, both a
prisoner, and a fugitive. I count the days as they pass, as if I
expected some revolution in my fate; yet, whence is it to come? No
prospect as yet opens to me. Mr Arnold's law-affairs will soon call him
to town: something may then happen--But does not Mrs Gerrarde come too?
He cannot live without her; and I shall reap no benefit from this, but
the chance of seeing my children sometimes perhaps; though he may not
bring them with him, or, if he does, he may be cruel enough to refuse me
the sight of them. Sir George is cold and dilatory: were he on the spot,
something might be done; he might expostulate: my mother too could join
arguments to intreaties: Mr Arnold perhaps might be recovered from his
delusion; it is but a perhaps.
_November 15_
My brother is arrived in town sooner than we expected, and came this
evening to pay us a visit. My altered and dejected looks, I believe,
shocked him; but George wants tenderness, or at least a capacity of
shewing it. After a recapitulation of my story, he asked me, 'Could I be
so mean-spirited a creature as ever to think of living with Arnold
again, even though he should be inclined to desire it?' I told him, he
considered the matter in a wrong light; and that he ought to reflect on
my reputation, and the future welfare of my two poor little girls, who
would be material sufferers, from the want of my care and attention, as
they grew up; not to mention the disadvantages they would enter life
with, by my continuing under an aspersion which might in time become
very public, as I made no doubt but that Mrs Gerrarde would take pains
to propagate it wherever she went. My mother added, Mr Arnold too might
be saved from perdition, if he could be so far convinced of his wife's
innocence, as to be reconciled to her, and live with her again. And
pray, said Sir George, how is this to be done, if that damned woman has
put it into his head, that Faulkland and you are fond of one another? Do
you imagine that he will believe what _you_ say? what your brother, or
your mother, or even Faulkland himself, could say to the contrary? I own
to you very fairly, that I so much despise the man, that, unless you
will give me leave to talk to him my own way, I will have nothing to say
to him at all. Would you have me _sue_ to him for a reconciliation, and
try to persuade him out of the belief of an imaginary injury, which
probably he was glad to make a handle of to get rid of you? No, Sidney;
you may be as tame as you please yourself, but it does not become your
brother to be so. When I go to him, I must insist upon not having rules
prescribed to me: your delicacy, in regard to Faulkland's asserting your
innocence, I have nothing to say against; but there can be no objection
to your brother's vindicating the honour of his family. I saw Sir
George's resentment was rouzed to the highest pitch; his eyes sparkled
with indignation, and his whole frame seemed agitated.
Dear brother, said I, I conjure you, (and I fell upon my knees and
clasped both my arms around his) do not add to my affliction, by
involving yourself and my husband in a fatal quarrel. What difference
would it make to me, if Mr Arnold should fall, whether it is by your
hand or Mr Faulkland's? The loss would be the same; the misfortune, the
publication of my disgrace, the same. Your husband, said he, breaking
from me, though a little softened, would have as good a chance as I, if
it came to the hazard; or perhaps he might condescend to take you again
(if you will have it so), without coming to these extremities, if I am
suffered to argue properly with him.--I will not consent to your seeing
him at all, said I, eagerly. The cause is now my own, he answered,
coolly; but I will do nothing to aggravate your distress. I did not like
the manner in which he spoke. My mother, who till now had been silent,
caught the alarm. Let me intreat you, son, said she, to drop the
thoughts of any violent methods with Mr Arnold. If you value your
sister's peace, or have any regard to the obedience you owe me, I insist
on it, that you neither see him nor write to him, without our knowlege
and consent; and if you do not promise me this, I renounce all ties of
kindred or affection to you: your mother has as just a sense of the
honour of her family as you can have; but it is not on so hot a head,
and so weak an arm, that she depends to see it justified to the world.
Sir George, who was nettled at my mother's spirited rebuke, made her a
low bow. No doubt of it, madam, said he, there will be a miracle wrought
in my sister's favour. I would have you let her try the experiment of
the ordeal: I dare say she would come off victorious, and then Mr Arnold
would do you the favour to take her home again. I wish, said my mother,
gravely, that there was a possibility of bringing my dear child's
innocence to such a proof; I would not hesitate a minute to put it to
the trial: but since there is no such a thing _now-a-days_, I will wait
till God, in his own righteousness, shall judge her cause, and clear her
to the world. Therefore, son, I insist upon your promise before you
leave me.
I give you my word, madam, answered Sir George, I will not attempt to
hold any conference with Mr Arnold without your knowlege. Will that
satisfy you? It does, answered my mother; for I think I can rely upon
your word. Sir George left us not very well satisfied with each other;
his pride and resentment piqued to the highest. I cannot censure him for
it here: he has cause; but the case is a nice and difficult one. The
gratification of a private spleen ought not to enter into the measures
he should pursue. Glad I am that my mother's properly-exerted resolution
has tamed him a little. Though George sometimes fails in the respect
which he owes her, yet I never knew him wilfully to disobey her
commands, or oppose her inclinations. 'Tis well there is any hold on a
disposition so ungentle and self-willed as his.
_November 18_
My brother has taken a very handsome house in Pall-mall, and told my
mother, between jest and earnest, he is going to give her a
daughter-in-law, to make up for the loss of her son-in-law. He is, in
reality, making his addresses to Lady Sarah P the daughter of a
new-created peer. She has a great fortune, he tells me; but I know
nothing more of her. I wish him better success in his nuptials (if they
take place) than I have had.
_November 20_
Mr Arnold is arrived in town: he came late last night, and his man
called this morning to enquire how I did. The poor fellow stole out
before his master was up; and was afraid of staying a minute, lest he
should be wanted at home. I called him up to the dining-room: I saw an
honest shame and sorrow in his countenance. How does your master do,
Frank, said I? Has he brought the children to town? No, madam, said he;
but they are pure and hearty. I believe my master thought it a pity to
bring them out of the fresh air, as long as Mrs Patty is there to look
after them. They are better where they are. I asked him, was Mr Arnold
come to town to make any stay? I believe for good and all, said he. This
ugly law-suit, to be sure, will detain him; but he is come _alone_, said
he, with an intelligent nod: I don't suppose though he will continue
long so. Well, Frank, said I, I am glad to hear your master and the
children are well. Ah, madam! shaking his head as he opened the door to
go out, it was a woeful day for us when you left South Park. God give
every one their reward!
_November 22_
I have not seen my brother these two days: he does not know, I believe,
that Mr Arnold is come to town; though, if he did, I am sure he will not
break his word; so that I am easy on that particular. My mother says she
will go to Mr Arnold herself, to _reason_ with him a little. I shall not
oppose it, though I have no hopes of her being able to effect any thing
in my favour: she is now laid up with a cold, and is not able to come
out of her room; but she pleases herself with the thought of this visit,
as soon as she is able to make it. She has planned what she intends to
say to him; and is resolved to let him into the whole history of Miss
Burchell, that he may know, she says, the full extent of Mrs Gerrarde's
wickedness; as what is there of which that woman is not capable, who
could set to sale the honour of an innocent, unsuspecting creature, left
to her guardianship?
_November 23_
Amazing, my dear Cecilia! I thought I should wonder no more at any
thing, yet is my wonder now raised to astonishment--I have just received
a letter from Lady V----. I have read it over and over again, and can
yet scarce believe my senses. Here it is in her own words.
'I suppose you know, my dear Mrs Arnold, that your husband is in
town; and that he left Mrs Gerrarde behind him for no other
reason, I imagine, but that he did not chuse to be quite so
scandalous as to let her travel with him; for we heard that she
purposed following him in a few days. Patty, I conclude, may have
informed you of thus much; but the extraordinary part of the
intelligence, I believe, is reserved for me to acquaint you with.
Know then that Mrs Gerrarde is eloped, no-body knows whither.
_Good_, you say; good, should _I_ say too; but for the conclusion
of my story. It is with Mr _Faulkland_ she is eloped: 'tis
positively true; she went off with him in triumph last night in
her own chariot, and neither of them have been heard of since. I
own I am so much confounded at this, I scarce know what I write.
'I am very glad, for your sake, that bad creature has quitted your
husband; but that she should have drawn my cousin Faulkland in, is
a matter of serious concern to me. It is evident the plan was
previously concerted between them; for I am informed to-day, that
Mrs Gerrarde's maid decamped at the same time, and took with her
every thing valuable belonging to her mistress, several of her
drawers being found open and empty. Mr Faulkland's servants have
also disappeared; so that we cannot conjecture which way they are
gone.
'Mr Faulkland, who was about leaving us, asked my permission to
give a ball to the neighbouring ladies in our new room, which is
just finished. As I concluded he would ask nobody but our own
acquaintances, I readily consented; and my lord, you know, is fond
of those frolics. I own I was surprized to see Mrs Gerrarde
amongst the company, as undaunted as the _modestest_ face there. I
would not however confront Mr Faulkland so much, as to shew any
disrespect to one, who was, at that time, _his_ guest; but I was
out of all patience to find that _she_, along with several others,
was asked to supper; my too-good-natured lord joining in the
invitation. Mr Faulkland made a pretence to wait on her home, and
the audacious creature took that opportunity to march off with
him.
'Now, as Faulkland really purposed leaving V---- hall the next day,
I think it would have been but decent in him to have forbore this
piece of barefaced libertinism, till he was fairly from under
_our_ roof. He might have made his assignation in any other place;
but, I suppose, the lady had a mind to shew the world she is above
restraint, and chose to make her infamy a sort of triumph.
'I am quite angry with my lord, for only laughing at this, and
calling it a piece of spirited gallantry in them both. He says, he
is delighted to think how your good man will shake his ears, when
he hears his mistress has left him in the lurch, and gone off with
another lover. I should smile too; but that it makes me sad to
think, that Mr Faulkland, of whom I had so good an opinion, should
so impose upon my judgment, and forfeit his own character, for so
vile a creature.
'Pardon me, my dear madam; I am so full of my own reflections, on
the interest _I_ take in this affair, that I have been forgetful
of how much more moment it may be to _you_. Heaven grant that your
husband may think of making himself amends, in returning to a
faithful and amiable wife, for the loss of a deceitful, jilting
mistress. Surely this event must open his eyes, or he deserves to
lose them. I hope to embrace you in London in a very little time;
till then, believe me,
'My dear Mrs Arnold,
'Your most assured friend and servant,
_V---- hall, Nov. 12_ 'A.V.'
Well, my Cecilia, what say you to this? Are you not as much surprized as
I am? Mr Faulkland to emerge at last the favoured gallant of Mrs
Gerrarde! Prodigious! I confess, my dear, I am so selfish as not to
participate with Lady V---- in her uneasiness on this occasion. That Mrs
Gerrarde flies from my husband, I am glad; and that Mr _Faulkland_ is
the very man she chose to fly with, I am still gladder: he, of all men
living, I would have wished (though least expected) to be the person.
This explains every thing that is passed. Surely, as Lady V---- says,
this _must_ open Mr Arnold's eyes. I can now discover a double reason
for my poor deluded man's having his imagination poisoned with jealousy.
Mrs Gerrarde did not aim singly at separating my husband and me: this,
perhaps, was but a secondary consideration; or who knows whether it was
at all intended? But she most certainly designed to secure herself
against all suspicions, by making me the object of them; and effectually
to blind Mr Arnold, persuaded him, that Mr Faulkland's visits, made to
her, were only in the hope of seeing me.
Let her views have been what they would, this event was beyond my hopes.
Some glimmerings of comfort begin to break in upon me. Methinks my heart
feels much lighter than it did. How Sir George will stare at this
account! My mother will lift up her eyes; but she has no opinion of Mr
Faulkland's morals, and therefore will be the less surprized. I pity
Miss Burchell; this is an irremediable bar to her hopes; faint and
unsupported as they were before, they must now entirely vanish.
_November 24_
I gave you a copy of Lady V----'s letter, while the subject was warm at
my heart, and before I shewed it to any one; but my mother and my
brother have now both seen it. My mother (just as I expected), without
any great emotions of surprize, only exclaimed against their wickedness;
but said, she could not help rejoicing in it, as _I_, she hoped, would
derive happiness from their accumulated crimes. Sir George read the
letter twice over before he uttered a word; and then said, It was
_strange_; upon his soul, most unaccountable; and that either Faulkland
was run mad, or that woman had bewitched him. When he was with me, said
he, at Sidney Castle, he did not so much as mention her. I asked him,
whether he was acquainted with Mr Arnold (for I had written him word of
your marriage, when he was abroad)? He told me, he had seen both you and
him, two or three times, at Lord V----'s; but that as he did not wish to
renew his acquaintance with you, he had never visited your husband. I
presume he was not then a stranger to his connection with Mrs Gerrarde;
at least to the conjectures of the neighbourhood upon it: but as it was
then but a matter of opinion, and he knew not of the difference between
you and your husband, 'tis probable he did not chuse to disgust me more
against my brother-in-law, by hinting at this circumstance. He expressed
great acknowlegements to my mother, when I told him of the notice she
had taken of Miss Burchell; though, he said, he found (from my account
of your marriage) that she had deferred her conference with that young
lady, till it was too late for her testimony to be of any service to
him. As I knew nothing of what had passed between my mother and Miss
Burchell, I could give him no satisfaction on that subject; and the
recollection of past transactions being equally disagreeable to us both,
I avoided ever mentioning them after our first conversation; nor do I
remember that Mrs Gerrarde's name occurred once.
My mother now began to exult over Sir George, and took advantage of the
surprize and consternation that Lady V----'s letter had thrown him into.
This is your boasted friend, said she; the man whose _honour_ and
_generosity_ were not to be questioned, and whose _utmost_ crime was a
youthful folly that he was surprized into with a silly girl. I am
pleased, however, that _this_ has proved I was not so grossly mistaken
in believing him a loose man. Mrs Gerrarde is the fittest mate for him,
and I am glad they are gone together.
Sir George was too much mortified at the flagrant misconduct of his
friend to attempt excusing him: he contented himself with repeating, It
was the strangest thing he ever knew in his life.
My mother then told him Mr Arnold was come to town; and that, as things
had taken such a turn, she hoped herself to be able to bring him to the
use of his judgment; and therefore thought it would not be at all
necessary for my brother to interfere. Sir George said, With all his
heart; if her ladyship should be able to patch up a reconciliation that
would save his sister's credit, and she could be so _extremely_ pliant
as to think of living with such a husband again, he should not give
himself any farther trouble about the matter; but, in _his_ opinion, the
affair wore a much odder aspect than it did before. I find Mr
Faulkland's behaviour sticks with him, and has a little cooled his zeal
towards him.
_November 25_
I have had a letter from Patty, who confirms my Lady V----'s account of
the lovers flight; and she tells me one of Mrs Gerrarde's servants is
gone off express to town; I suppose, to bring Mr Arnold the news: for
they are all in confusion at her house, and know not what is become of
their mistress; but they are certain she is gone with Mr Faulkland.
Patty adds, The servants believe this scheme had long been concerted, Mr
Faulkland having been a private visitor to their mistress for a good
while.
I must confess I am astonished at it: it has sunk the man extremely in
my opinion.
_November 26_
Miss Burchell has just been here. Poor creature, she is quite stunned
with the news: she could scarce believe it at first, till my mother
desired I would shew her Lady V----'s letter, and Patty's, which
corroborated all she said. She then gave way to tears and lamentations;
saying, That cruel woman was born to be the destruction of every-body
she had any connection with. _I_ have found it so; _you_, madam (to me),
have done so too; Mr Arnold, I believe, has been a great sufferer; Mr
Faulkland is _now_ her victim. Inconsiderate and barbarous as he is, I
grieve for him.
_November 30_
I have heard nothing of Mr Arnold. Indeed it is hardly possible that I
should: we are shut up here from all commerce with the world. My
mother's illness has confined her to her bed-chamber; we admit no
visitors, and I never leave her. I long to know how he takes the
ingratitude of his mistress; but I see nobody who converses with him. My
brother and Miss Burchell are the only people we see. The latter is
pretty often with us; as for Sir George, he only looks in upon us now
and then, and we all seem in an aukward situation. I wish my mother were
well enough to call on Mr Arnold: I am very anxious to know what his
sentiments are; at least in regard to Mrs Gerrarde.
_December 6_
I have been almost asleep, my dear Cecilia, for this week past; but I
have been rouzed this morning in a most extraordinary manner. Sir George
called on us; he ran up stairs in a violent hurry; and had a
countenance, when he entered the room, that spoke wonders before he
opened his mouth. He hardly gave himself time to ask me how I did
(though he had not seen me for three days), before he took a bundle of
papers out of his pocket, which he gave me. 'Tis from Faulkland, said
he, and may be worth your knowlege. Upon opening the cover, I found it
contained, at least, four sheets of paper, written on every side. Bless
me, brother, said I, do you expect I should take the trouble to read all
this? He answered, You may read it at your leisure: you will find it
will pay you for the mighty trouble of a perusal. Sir George left me
presently; and having read this extraordinary letter to myself, for I
happened to be in my own room when my brother came to me, I sate me down
to give you a copy of it. My mother, who coughed almost the whole night,
is now endeavouring to get a little sleep; so that I will scribble on as
fast as I can, while I have no interruption.
_Boulogne, Nov. 30, 1704._
My dear Bidulph,
I am in haste to vindicate myself to you, but in much more haste to do
so to Mrs Arnold; who, if she bestows a thought at all on me, must, I am
sure, hold me in the utmost contempt; and great reason would she have,
if things were always as they appear. Methinks I see her beautiful scorn
at hearing I had carried off Mrs Gerrarde. What a paltry fellow _you_
must think me too. And yet I _have_ carried her off, and she is now in
my possession, not displeased with her situation; and I might, if I
would, be as happy as Mrs Gerrarde can make me: but I assure you, Sir
George, I have no designs but what are for the good both of her soul and
body; and I have hitherto treated her like a vestal. What a paradox is
here, say you? But have patience till I tell you the story of my
knight-errantry.
You are to know then, that as Arnold's amour with Mrs Gerrarde was no
secret at V---- hall, from the moment I heard it, I meditated a design
of breaking the detestable union; not out of regard either to him or
her, but in hopes of restoring, to the most amiable of women, a besotted
husband's heart, which nothing but downright magic, infernal witchcraft,
could have robbed her of. The woman is handsome, 'tis true; but she is a
silly toad, and as fantastic as an ape. I had formed this design, I say,
from the first notice I had of the intrigue; and, in consequence of
this, resolved to renew my acquaintance with Mrs Gerrarde: for I had
_known_ her before; known her to my cost. She it was, this identical
devil, whom I have now in my power, that was the cause of Miss
Burchell's misfortune; and therefore the remote cause of my losing Miss
Bidulph. Had it not been for her, I should never have had the fall of
that unhappy girl to answer for. _I_ should not, I say (mark that); for
the mercenary witch was determined to sell her to somebody, when my ill
stars threw me in her way. I do not rank this affair in the number of
capital crimes; and yet I never think of it without a pang. If half of
my fortune would retrieve the girl's peace of mind, I would give it
freely: but it is past now, and cannot be helped. She had the good
fortune never to be suspected; and, if she keeps her own council,
probably never will. If I die a bachelor (as I believe I shall), I will
leave her my whole fortune. What can a man do more?
How I ramble from my subject! I meant only to tell you what my design
was in carrying off Mrs Gerrarde. In order to effect it, as I said
before, it was necessary for me to renew my acquaintance with her; and
accordingly I put on a bold face, and made her a visit. She was not
surprized at this, our former intimacy giving me a sufficient pretence
for it. She received me with a pleased familiarity, which convinced me
my company was far from being disagreeable to her; and I am sure, had my
views been other than they were, I should have met with as kind a
reception as my heart could have wished; for she certainly thought of
retaining me in her service unknown to Arnold. I was soon aware of this;
for, though she often desired to see me, she always contrived it at
such times, as she was sure of not being surprized by him. This was, in
some measure, meeting my purpose halfway; but though I wanted to
disengage her from Arnold, I did not mean to sacrifice myself to her;
and our views, in the material point, were very different: mine were
only to part her from her gallant; her's were to share her favours
between us: for she did not intend to let go her hold on him; and I
believe my backwardness, in pushing my good fortune, began to disgust
her; but the time for carrying my plan into execution was not yet
arrived; it could not be till Arnold's departure from South-Park. I
meant to carry Mrs Gerrarde away with the appearance of her own consent;
and I knew this was impossible, whilst her lover remained so near her. I
had formed but a rough sketch of my plan when I received your letter,
which summoned me to Sidney-Castle; and I resolved not to apprize you of
it, till my enterprize was crowned with success; more especially as you
were then quite ignorant of your sister's wrongs.
On my return from visiting you, the first news I heard at V---- hall
was, that Mr Arnold and his lady were parted. I curst my own
dilatoriness, that I had not executed my plan before things were brought
to such extremities; for I well knew it was that artful fiend who had
occasioned it, though I then little thought how fatally _I_ had
contributed towards the misfortune of the ever-amiable and
most-respectable of women.
Lady V---- told me, that your sister, having discovered her husband's
infidelity, had left him on that account; but my lord soon let me into
the whole secret. Oh! Sir George, that angel, who deserved the first
monarch in the universe, to be cast off by an undiscerning dolt! and
_I_, though innocently, the accursed cause. I cannot think with patience
of what the divine creature has suffered on my account; but was it not
all, from the beginning, owing to Mrs Gerrarde, that avenging fury, sent
on earth as a scourge for the sins of me and of my ancestors?--I
rave--but no wonder--I am mad upon this subject.--But to return: I then
recollected, that the day before I set out for Sidney Castle, I received
a message from Mrs Gerrarde in the morning, desiring my company to drink
coffee with her that evening. I obeyed the summons, little expecting to
meet Mrs Arnold at her house, whom I had never seen there before. The
effect my presence had on her extremely surprized me: she presently
quitted the room. Mrs Gerrarde took that opportunity of telling me, that
she had dropped in on her very unexpectedly; but, as she supposed she
would go directly away, we should have an hour to chat by ourselves. She
then followed your sister out, and I remained alone in the parlour.
Whilst I was reflecting on this odd encounter, which I did not then
imagine had been brought about by design, Mrs Gerrarde came in to me,
saying, your sister was so ill she was under a necessity of accompanying
her home, and had ordered her chariot for that purpose: she made an
apology for being obliged to leave me, and said she should be glad to
see me the next day. I took my leave, and in going out saw Mr Arnold at
the door, which I judged was the true reason of Mrs Gerrarde's
dismissing me.
I set out for Wiltshire the next morning; and though there was something
odd in the whole of this incident, I believed it was owing to chance
alone, and thought no more of it; till, upon my Lord V----'s telling me
the true cause of your sister's disgrace, I found that this serpent had
laid the whole plan on purpose to destroy her. You see (for to be sure
you know all the particulars) how she seduced the innocent Mrs Arnold
into this fatal visit, having first engaged me to come at the very point
of time when she knew the husband would surprize us; for _his_ coming,
you may be satisfied, was not unexpected.
I own to you, Sir George, in the first motions of my rage, I could have
stabbed Arnold, Mrs Gerrarde, and myself; but my Lord V---- calmed my
transports, by telling me, that it was your sister's earnest request
that this detestable secret should be kept from my knowlege; and that
Lady V----, who had intrusted him with it, would never forgive him, if
she knew he had divulged it. This reflection brought me back to my
senses, and I burned with impatience to execute my first plan, which Mrs
Gerrarde's repeated crimes now called upon me to accelerate. I
communicated my design to Lord V----, who was delighted with it; for he
perfectly adores your sister. This, said he, though not such a vengeance
as that wicked woman deserves, must in the end be productive of what you
wish, and Mrs Arnold may be restored to her peace, without injury to her
character, or mischief to any-body.
Having settled my measures with Lord V----, I went to pay a visit to Mrs
Gerrarde. The cockatrice affected to speak with surprize and concern of
your sister's separation from her husband. I asked her, had she, who was
so intimate with both, heard any reason assigned for it? She shook her
head, and by a pretended sorrow in her looks, and a mysterious silence,
invited me to press for an explanation of her meaning. She told me at
length, with a seeming reluctance, that 'poor Mrs Arnold, though to be
sure she was a sensible woman, was not without the little frailties and
passions of her sex; and that, _astonishing_ and _groundless_ as her
suspicions were, she had taken it into her head to be jealous of Mr
Arnold; and with whom do you think, of all people, she suspects him?' I
cannot imagine, said I. Why truly with _me_, replied the undaunted
Jezebel, and looked as if she expected _I_ should be as much amazed as
she pretended to be. I affected to laugh at it; and changing the
discourse, put an end to my visit.
The measures I had to observe required some management. It would not
answer the full extent of my purpose to rob Mr Arnold of his dear, if it
did not appear at the same time that she had left him with her own
consent. To bring about this, it was necessary that the flight on her
part should seem premeditated; which would not carry any face, unless
she took with her such of her moveables as were most valuable. This I
knew could not be done without the assistance of her maid, whom I
therefore not only resolved to trust, but also to make her a partner in
her mistress's elopement.
Having settled thus much of the plan in my own mind, I began my
operations, by making the maid presents every time I visited the
mistress; and I took care to give those visits as much the air of an
amour as I possibly could. I dare swear the girl thought Mrs Gerrarde
and I were upon the best terms imaginable. I affected to come at such
hours as I was sure Mrs Gerrarde was alone; I always made my visits
short, as if through fear of being surprized with her; and went so far
as to leave my chariot (when I came in it) at a distance from the house,
and walked to it alone, with the caution of one fearful of being
observed. It was a matter of indifference to me whether Mrs Gerrarde
knew of this or not; my business was only to excite suspicions of an
intrigue amongst her servants, in order to answer a future purpose: but
if she were to know with what extreme precaution I visited her, my
prudence could not but be very agreeable to her: she had her measures to
observe as well as myself. As it was of consequence to her to conceal
our acquaintance from Arnold's knowlege, she must necessarily be pleased
at the pains I took (without her laying herself open in making the
request) to conceal it from him; and she saw I was as careful as she
could wish never to interfere with him.
In short, we carried on a private intercourse, that, if it could not be
called gallantry, was something very like it; for I amused,
complimented, and flattered her so agreeably, that I believe she began
to think herself sure of me, and wondered I did not make a better use of
the favourable disposition she was in towards me; but I trifled with
such dexterity, that even she, with all the cunning she is mistress of,
could not possibly fathom my design.
Having thus laid the foundation of my plot, I made no doubt of being
able to execute it, with my Lord V----'s assistance: he was in raptures
at the thought of our enterprize, and swore he would never have forgiven
me, if I had not allowed him a share in it. He said, I would give my
right-hand to make Mrs Arnold happy; adding, besides it will save her
husband from destruction; for, to my knowlege, that woman has already
almost ruined his fortune.
I asked him, might we venture to let my lady into the secret? He said,
by no means; my lady was too squeamish to be trusted with such a notable
exploit; but, when the affair was over, he would take upon him to excuse
me to her, after he had diverted himself a little with her surprize.
I fretted to death at Arnold's staying so long in the country, as it
delayed my enterprize. There was one circumstance indeed that a little
compensated for this vexation; and that was, that my long stay at V----
hall, which could be no secret to him, though he dropped visiting there
on purpose to avoid me, might in some measure help to efface his
injurious suspicions with regard to his lady and me; besides, it gave
the better colour to my other designs.
At last the long-sought-for opportunity arrived. Arnold was obliged to
go to London on his law-affairs. I took care to inform myself of the day
from Mrs Gerrarde's maid; and learnt at the same time that her mistress
purposed going to town in a week after; for she still endeavoured to
save appearances, and dared to the last to pretend to reputation. I
proposed giving a ball, to take my leave of the ladies, on the night
subsequent to the day fixed for Arnold's departure from South-Park. My
lord, almost as anxious for the event as myself, immediately dispatched
invitations all over the neighbourhood: there was not a person of any
fashion left unasked. Mr Arnold and Mrs Gerrarde, you may be sure, were
not forgot. From the former, as we expected, we received a civil
apology; from the latter, a message that she would be sure to come.
This was at the distance of eight days from the appointed time. In the
interim, I continued to visit Mrs Gerrarde as usual, and took care to
bespeak her for a partner. Arnold went to town as opportunely as we
could wish. I called on Mrs Gerrarde the same morning; and having my
lord's permission for it, engaged her to come early enough to drink tea,
as there were a good many more ladies invited for the same purpose; and,
at going away, I dropped a few mysterious hints to her maid.
In the evening there was a very large company met at V---- hall; and
having concerted my whole plan, when the ladies were engaged at the
tea-table, I slipped out, mounted my horse, and rode to Mrs Gerrarde's
house. I desired to see her maid; and, taking her aside, told her not to
be surprized; but that her lady was to go off with me that night: that
the thing had, for certain reasons, not been determined on till that
very evening: that I had just snatched a minute to desire her to get all
her ladies trinkets together, and whatever money and bills she might
have in her escruitore. In order to this, I gave her a parcel of small
keys, which I had carried in my pocket for the purpose; and bid her hold
herself in readiness against seven o'clock, when a person should call on
her, who would conduct her to a place where she should find her lady and
me.
I needed no arguments to persuade the girl; the thing appeared plausible
enough: she was fully convinced of the intimacy between her mistress and
me; and knowing her too well to have a doubt of her baseness, she
concluded I acted by Mrs Gerrarde's directions, and promised punctually
to obey them. She said, she could easily carry away in the dark as many
things as she could conveniently carry; and, to avoid observation from
the rest of the servants, she would wait at a cottage hard by, which she
named to me, till her conductor arrived.
Whether any of the keys I gave her would fit the locks or not, I was not
much concerned; if they did not, I concluded she would think her
mistress had made a mistake; and that she would force them open, rather
than fail. Having settled this material point, I got back to my Lord
V----'s, without having been missed by the company.
Our ball was very well conducted; I danced with Mrs Gerrarde, and we
passed a very agreeable evening. We supped at twelve, and she had
ordered her chariot to come a little after that hour; but I had given my
fellows their cue. As the dancing was not renewed, the company broke up
between one and two. Mrs Gerrarde was one of the first that offered to
go; but as her servants were not to be found, she was detained till
every-body else had taken their leave. At length her coachman and
footman were found in the cellar, with one of my mean, all so drunk that
they were not able to stand. Her servants were really so, and mine
counterfeited so well, there was no discovering the cheat. In this
emergency, nothing was more natural than the offering my servants to
attend her home, and of course to wait on her myself to see her safe.
She readily accepted the first offer, but declined the other. This was
easily got over; I handed her into her chariot, and stepped in after
her. Our route was settled: we drove from my Lord V----'s door; and
turning short from the road that led to Mrs Gerrarde's house, we struck
down a lane which was to carry us by cross-roads to our first destined
stage, which was at the distance of seven miles. This was no other than
a poor gardener's house, to which place two of my emissaries had been
dispatched that day to wait our coming, with a travelling chariot, and
four stout horses. I had taken care, according to promise, to send a
trusty groom for the maid, with a boy to carry her luggage. They were
both well mounted, and had orders to carry her to an inn on the road to
Rochester, and within about a mile of the town. This inn was kept by a
fellow, who had formerly been my servant; I had placed him there, and he
was intirely at my devotion. He had already received his instructions,
and his house was to be our second stage. I concluded the maid had
arrived there long before us, having had six or seven hours the start of
us, and the place was not more than twenty miles from her own house.
Mrs Gerrarde was not immediately aware of our going out of the road; she
was in high spirits, and I kept her in chat. As soon as she perceived
it, she cried out, with some surprize, Lord, Mr Faulkland! where is the
fellow carrying us? He has missed his way. She called to him; but the
coachman, who had orders not to stop unless I spoke to him, only drove
the faster. Pray do call to him, said she; the wretch has certainly got
drunk with the rest of the servants. I told her there was no possibility
of turning in the narrow road in which we then were: that when we got
out of it, I would speak to the coachman; and begged of her, in the mean
while, not to be frightened. The lane was a very long one, but our rapid
wheels soon carried us to the end of it, where I had appointed Pivet and
one of my footmen to meet us on horseback. I had another servant behind
the chariot, whom I purposed to send back with it in the morning.
At the sight of two horsemen, who were apparently waiting for us, she
screamed out, Oh! the villain; he has brought us here to be robbed. She
had a good many jewels on her; and, to say the truth, had some reason
for her fears. The chariot had now got on a good open road, and the
horses rather flew than galloped. The two horsemen joined us, and kept
up with us at full speed. I saw she was heartily frightened, and thought
it time to undeceive her. I was not ill-natured enough to keep her
longer under the apprehensions of highwaymen, and thought she would be
less shocked at finding there was a design upon her person, than on her
diamond ear-rings. Now, said I, taking one of her hands with rather more
freedom than respect, since we are out of all danger of discovery, or
any possibility of pursuit, I will tell you a secret; and I spoke with
an easy assured tone. She drew her hand away. What do you mean, Sir?
Nothing, madam, but to have the pleasure of your company in a little
trip I am going to take: believe me, you are not in the least danger;
you are under my protection; those are my servants that you see riding
with us; and you may judge of the value I set upon you, by the pains I
have taken to get you into my possession. Lord, Mr Faulkland! why sure
you can't be serious! Never more so in my life, madam; I have long had a
design upon you; but your connection with Mr Arnold--_My_ connection
with Mr Arnold, Sir! interrupting me; I don't understand you!--Come,
come, Mrs Gerrarde; you and I are old acquaintance, you know; 'tis no
time for dissembling. He has been a happy man long enough: 'tis time for
a woman of your spirit to be tired of him; especially as I think I may
say, without vanity, you do not change for the worse in falling into my
hands. The lady had now recovered her courage; she was no longer in
fears of being robbed, and her spirits returned. You audacious creature!
how dare you treat me thus? Have you the assurance to insinuate that
there was any thing criminal in my attachment to Mr Arnold and his
family? My dear madam, I accuse you of no attachment to any of his
family; he himself was the only-favoured person--Sure there never was
such an impertinent wretch!--But I know the author of this scandal: it
was Mrs ---- (and she dared to prophane your sister's honoured name);
but I despise her; and Mr Arnold shall soon know how I have been
affronted; and she fell a crying.--My dear Mrs Gerrarde, I beg your
pardon; I did not mean to offend you: if Mr Arnold admired you, he did
no more than what every man does who sees you. I beseech you to compose
yourself; by all that is good, I mean you no harm: be calm, I conjure
you, and don't spoil the prettiest face in England with crying. A
daring, provoking creature, she sobbed; what could put such an attempt
as this in your head? and to what place are you carrying me? Only to
France, my dear creature? have you have been there? To France! to
France! she exclaimed; and do you dare to think you shall carry me
there? Oh! you'll like it of all things, said I, when you get
there--What do you think her reply was: Why, neither more nor less than
a good box on the ear. I catched hold of her hand, and kissed it: you
charming vixen, how I admire you for your spirit! She endeavoured to
wrest her hand from me; but I held them both fast, for fear of another
blow. Base, insolent, ravisher, villain! As she rose in her epithets, I
replied with, lovely, charming, adorable, tender, gentle creature--She
cried again; but they were spiteful tears, and did not create in me the
least touch of that pity, which, on any other occasion, they might have
moved me to.
I was glad our altercations had a short truce, by the chariot's stopping
at the gardener's cottage, where I had ordered my equipage to wait. All
the family were in bed but the man's wife, who came curt'sying to the
door. I led, or rather lifted, Mrs Gerrarde out of the chariot; for she
would not give me her hand; and begging she would repose herself for a
few minutes, whilst I gave orders to my servants, put her into the good
woman's hands. She went sullenly in, without making me any answer: and
seeing nobody but the old woman, she was convinced that complaints, or
an attempt to escape, would be equally fruitless, and so prudently
acquiesced. I soon dispatched my orders: I made the footman, who came
behind the chariot, mount the box, and directed him to drive to an inn
in the next village to Mrs Gerrarde's house, and from thence to send it
home by some one who did not know to whom he belonged. I then ordered my
own equipage to the door; and entering the cottage, told the lady I was
ready to attend her. The old woman presently vanished; so that seeing
nobody to apply to, she suffered me very quietly to put her into my
chariot, and I placed myself by her. It was made on purpose for
travelling, and I took care to have nothing but wooden windows; to which
I had the precaution to add a couple of spring-locks, which shut on
drawing up, and were not without difficulty to be opened. One of the
windows was already up, and I flurted up the other as soon as I got into
the coach. It was a fine moon-light morning, the postilion cracked his
whip, and, though the roads were deep and dirty, the four horses darted
away like lightning.
I believe, madam, said I, you are by this time convinced that my scheme
is too well laid to be baffled by any efforts you can make. I mean to
treat you with due respect, and beg you will use me with a little more
gentleness than you have done; that is all the favour I shall ask in
return, till you yourself are disposed to shew me more.
You are the most amazing creature, said she, that ever breathed! What is
the meaning that, in the whole course of our acquaintance, your
behaviour never gave me room to believe that you were serious in your
designs on me, and now at once you souse upon your prey like a hawk?
I'll answer you in two words, said I. When we first met, you had a
husband; since the renewal of our acquaintance (you'll pardon me), it
was no secret that you had a favoured lover in Mr Arnold: I am not of a
temper to solicit a lady by stealth, and I would not give a pinch of
snuff for the woman who is not intirely at my disposal. Your attachments
to Arnold forbad this, and I was determined to have you all to myself.
My attachments to Mr Arnold! cried she, impudently, again. Ay, said I,
coolly, it began to be talked of so openly, that your reputation was
mangled at every tea-table in the country; and had you staid much longer
there, you would have found yourself deserted by every female of
character that knew you. Mr Arnold's parting with his wife, was by
every-body charged to your account; and as she is reckoned a very _good
sort_ of a woman (was not that a pretty phrase?), every one took her
part, and were not sparing in their invectives against you. Add to all
this, that Arnold has certainly run out his fortune, and is so involved
that it will not be possible for him long to make those returns of
generosity which your merit deserves.--You and I have been acquainted
long; I am no stranger to your circumstances; I know, at Captain
Gerrarde's death, your pension as his widow, and the very small jointure
at Ashby, was the whole of your income. Arnold's love, it is apparent,
has hitherto been bountiful; how long it could be in his power to
continue it so, may be a question worth your considering.
I found I had mortified her pride, by mentioning the narrowness of her
circumstances, and the demolition of her character. If all you say
_were_ true, Sir, which is far from being the case (with a toss of her
head), you will find it no very easy matter to make me amends for what I
shall perhaps lose for ever by this violence of yours, notwithstanding
the _smallness_ of my income, which you seem so well informed of. I have
a considerable sum of money, and some valuable jewels, lying by me, of
which my servants may very probably rob me. I assured her, upon my
honour, I would make good to her every thing she should lose through my
means, and would take care her situation should never be upon the same
precarious footing which it had been. I did not chuse to mention the
circumstance of my having secured her maid and her money too; I reserved
that for an agreeable surprize. I had measures to observe; I did not
want to be on good terms with her too soon for obvious reasons, as
nothing was farther from my heart than a thought of gallantry.
For this purpose, I assumed a more distant behaviour, and affected to
shew her something like respect. I did not drop the least hint of my
knowing that Mr Arnold had made his lady uneasy on my account, much less
that I suspected her for the wicked contriver of that mischief. I
deferred the discussing of this point till a more favourable opportunity
should offer, when it would be in my power to make a better use of it.
My design was by degrees to make her satisfied enough with her
situation, not to wish to return to Arnold. When I had once brought her
to this, I judged it would not be difficult to carry her still farther,
to the point I aimed at; and that was, to write a letter to him of my
dictating. You will think this was a strange expectation, and yet it was
what I resolved to accomplish. I knew the turn of the mind I had to deal
with: bring a woman of this sort into good-humour, and it is easy to
wheedle her into compliance. She has no solid understanding; but
possesses, in the place of it, a sort of flashy wit, that imposes on
common hearers, and makes her pass for what is called clever. With a
great deal of vanity, and an affectation of tenderness, which covers the
most termagant spirit that ever animated a female breast, her ruling and
governing passion is avarice; and yet, strange to tell! generosity is of
all things what she professes to admire, and is most studious of having
thought her characteristic. Her pretensions to this virtue I have
opposed to her vice of avarice, as the terms appropriated to each seem
most contrary in their natures; yet I do not mean by generosity, that
bounteous disposition which is commonly understood by the word: no, no;
she aimed at the reputation of this virtue in our most exalted idea of
it, and would fain be thought a woman of a _great soul_. This phrase was
often in her mouth; and though her whole conduct gave the lye to her
professions, she would tell you fifty stories, without a word of truth
in any of them, to prove how nobly she had acted on such and such
occasions. On the knowlege of this part of her temper, I chiefly built
my hopes of success.
I kept up a sort of forced conversation during the rest of our journey.
She was sullen, but not rude. As I was far from desiring to come to an
eclaircissement with her, I did not wish to have her in better temper.
We reached the inn, which was about a mile on our side of Rochester, at
eight o'clock in the morning. This was a favourable hour, as by that
time every traveller must have left the stages they lay at. The house
stood alone, and luckily enough had no company in it. My old servant,
Lamb, had received my instructions by letter, and was prepared
accordingly for our reception. This was the place to which I had ordered
the maid to be carried; she had arrived there some time before us, and
was safely lodged.
The chariot drove into the court-yard close to the door of the inn; the
step was let down in an instant, and Mrs Lamb appeared to receive us. We
both darted into the house. Dressed as we were for a ball, we made an
odd appearance as travellers at that hour of the morning. I believe this
consideration made Mrs Gerrarde very readily hurry upstairs with the
woman of the house.
I enquired for Mrs Gerrarde's maid, having given orders to Lamb that she
should not been seen till I first spoke to her. I was carried into the
room where she was: she seemed very glad that we were arrived. I desired
her to lay out her lady's toilet, which I concluded she had brought with
her; for that Mrs Gerrarde would presently put herself in a proper habit
for travelling. The maid told me she had brought her mistress's
riding-dress with her, and as many other things of her wearing apparel
as she could conveniently carry. I saw a vast heap of things lying
unpacked on a bed which was in the room, and asked her how she had
managed so cleverly as to get such a number of things together without
observation. She told me she had lost no time, from the minute I left
her, till the arrival of her guide; but had employed the interval in
carrying out some of the best of her lady's cloaths piece by piece, and
conveying them to the cottage, which she could easily do without the
servants seeing her; for as it was dark, she passed in and out without
observation. Here she huddled them into a large portmanteau. After this
she went to examine her lady's escruitore; but was a long time puzzled
in endeavouring to open it, as none of the keys I had given her
answered. She endeavoured to force it open with as little noise as
possible, but in vain. She then had recourse to a second trial of the
keys, when one of them, which probably had been passed by before,
luckily opened the lock; and she secured all the money and jewels she
could find. These, said she, kept me in continual dread all the way as I
travelled; for I have eight hundred pounds in bank notes; and though my
lady has such a quantity of jewels on her, I am sure I have as many more
about me, which I have hid in different parts of my cloaths.
I commended the girl's diligence, as indeed it deserved; and having
before ordered tea and coffee into Mrs Gerrarde's room, I now went in to
breakfast with her. I found the woman of the house still with her, at
which I was not at all uneasy; for as she had been tutored by her
husband, I knew she was not to be wrought upon, if Mrs Gerrarde had
attempted it.
As I did not at that time desire a _tête à tête_ with her, I contrived
to keep Mrs Lamb in the room, by desiring her to drink tea with us.
When we had done breakfast, I told Mrs Gerrarde, that as I feared she
was a good deal fatigued, if it was agreeable to her, we would remain
where we were for that day; and that I would by all means have her think
of taking some rest. She said she was extremely tired, and should like
to get a little sleep. I think, madam, you had better go to bed, said
Mrs Lamb; I have a very quiet chamber ready, where no noise in the house
can disturb you. Shew me to it, answered Mrs Gerrarde, with a tone of
weariness and ill-humour. The woman obeyed; I followed: she carried her
to the door of the room where the maid was, and throwing it open, Mrs
Gerrarde, who supposed she was attending her, went in: I stepped in
after her; Mrs Lamb withdrew.
Mrs Gerrarde's astonishment at the sight of her maid, is past
description. Rachael! in a tone of admiration. Rachael, who did not
think there was any thing unexpected or extraordinary in their meeting,
quite at a loss to guess at what her mistress wondered, answered her in
her turn with some surprize. Madam! and waited, expecting she would give
her some orders; which finding the lady did not, the maid asked her,
very composedly, Would she please to undress? I hope, Madam, said I,
stepping forward, that Mrs Rachael has taken care to bring you every
thing you may have occasion for; I shall leave you in her hands, and
wish you a good repose. Strange, astonishing creature! said Mrs
Gerrarde, looking at me with less anger than surprize. I bowed, and left
the room.
I ordered Mrs Lamb to have an eye to my prisoners; and heartily tired as
I was, between dancing and travelling, I undressed and threw myself into
bed. I slept till six o'clock in the evening; then rose, and put myself
into a habit fitter for my journey than that in which I came; and which
I had sent in a post-trunk before me, by the messenger whom I had
employed to apprize Lamb of my coming.
Mrs Gerrarde was not yet stirring. I called for Rachael, and asked her
how she had come off with her lady, upon telling her the manner of her
falling into my snare. Rachael told me her lady wondered mightily at my
art, and said I was the _strangest gentleman_ that ever was born. My
friend Rachael softened the expression I fancy; I am sure Mrs Gerrarde
did not call me a strange _gentleman_. She said her mistress smiled two
or three times at her relation, particularly at my giving her the keys.
I found, upon the whole, that my conduct in securing to her her money
and her jewels, together with the attendance of her maid, had a good
deal appeased her resentment.
Mrs Gerrarde did not rise till near eight o'clock. I had ordered as
elegant a dinner as the house could afford; and the lady having put
herself into a genteel dishabille, with great alacrity sat down to
table, and did not appear to have fretted away her appetite. I would
suffer no one to attend but Rachael. I told Mrs Gerrarde that I purposed
setting out for Dover that night, and that as it could not be supposed
her maid should be able to ride so far, and that a second carriage with
four horses (as less might not be able to keep pace with us) would be
liable to observation, I would, if she pleased, resign my place in the
chariot to Mrs Rachael, and attend her myself on horseback. She answered
me coldly. Since she _must_ go, it was indifferent to her who was to be
her companion. Though the motive I offered for this manner of travelling
was not without its weight, yet my true reason was to avoid being boxed
up so long again with Mrs Gerrarde. My time was not yet come for
explanations, and I was afraid of being upon good terms with her too
soon.
The remainder of the evening was spent by her and her maid in carefully
packing up their baggage, which had been brought in a confused huddle to
the inn. Mrs Gerrarde had a convenient trunk bought at Rochester for the
purpose, and assisted herself in laying them up safely.
She equipped herself in a smart riding-dress, and at eleven o'clock,
without any great reluctance, permitted me to put her and her maid into
the chariot. The inn had no company in it, at least that we saw; and our
host was too discreet to let any of his servants be in the way. I
mounted my horse, and triumphantly galloped off with my prize.
We reached Dover early next morning, and immediately got on board the
packet. The lady by this time appeared so perfectly serene, that I
believe in my soul I should not have got rid of her, if I had desired
her to have gone back again; but she had assumed a new air, and
affected a fine tender melancholy in her countenance. I guessed at her
thoughts, and found afterwards my conjecture right. Will you believe me,
Sir George, when I tell you the baggage had formed serious _honourable
designs_ upon my person? Fact, upon my word. I saw it presently (you
know my knack of reading people's minds in their faces), and was not
sorry for the discovery; for though I determined not on any account to
encourage such a wild expectation, yet I intended to make a _discreet_
use of it; besides, I knew it would afford me a handle for keeping a
_respectful_ distance.
We landed next evening. She had been very sick at sea, and continued so
much out of order, that she was put to bed as soon as we got to the inn.
She ordered her maid not to stir from her; the very thing I wished; so
that I had nothing to do but to be very troublesome in my enquiries
after her health, and very sorry for her indisposition.
The next morning however set all to rights; and after congratulating her
on her recovery, and the revival of her beauty, I told her I meant to
carry her to Boulogne, whither I had sent Pivet the night before to take
lodgings for us, in a private house which he knew. I found that neither
Mrs Gerrarde nor her maid spoke French; a circumstance I was very glad
of, though the former bitterly lamented her having _forgot_ it. She made
not the least objection to the travelling from Calais to Boulogne, as
she had done before: her late indisposition gave me a pretence for
insisting on Rachael's attending her in the chariot.
The lodgings Pivet had taken were very handsome; our apartments were on
the same floor, separated only by a lobby. Mrs Rachael had a little bed
fitted up for her by my directions in her lady's dressing-room. Thus far
I had sailed before the wind; but now came the difficult part of my
task. It was impossible for Mrs Gerrarde to conceive that any thing, but
down-right love for her person, could have induced me to do what I had
done. I had actually run away with her, put myself to some hazard, and,
what in her estimation was no small matter, some expence too. No other
motive had appeared in all my conduct towards her; and tho' I had not
absolutely made love to her, yet what other construction could my
actions bear? for my words, to say the truth, were equivocal. She must
necessarily have concluded that I had no other view but a piece of
gallantry with her. Her designs on me were of a much more serious
nature; and her vanity made her imagine, that, notwithstanding my
thorough knowledge of her character, her cunning, joined to my passion,
might lead me into her snare.
Now, I had two nice points to consider of, and two difficulties to
surmount. The first was, not, by any part of my conduct, to carry the
deception so far as to give her the least room to hope I could be mad
enough to marry her. This, bad as _she_ is, and extravagant as _I_ am, I
could not think of doing, even to gain my favourite point. The other
was, to keep up such an appearance of gallantry towards her as she must
naturally expect, and at the same time avoid all approaches which
usually forerun the catastrophe of an amour; than which nothing was more
repugnant to my wishes.
To steer between these two extremes was the difficult task, particularly
the latter; for, between ourselves, I began to be much more afraid of
her than she was of me. I knew it would be impossible for me to keep up
the farce long; the sooner it was over the better; and therefore I
determined to enter on my part directly.
I had been ruminating on my project all the way as I rode. When we
arrived at Boulogne, I found myself a little out of order, having caught
cold; and as I was really somewhat feverish, a thought started into my
head, that this illness might aid me in my design. When we came to our
lodgings, I made my excuses to Mrs Gerrarde for not being able to attend
her: I told her I found myself ill, and must be obliged to go to bed.
She said she was _very sorry_, and perhaps she spoke truth.
I left her in possession of her new apartment with her maid Rachael.
Their being strangers to the language of the country cut off all
communication with the people of the house, who could not speak English.
I introduced Pivet to them, whom they had never seen before (for he had
taken particular care to keep out of their view during the whole
journey), as a gentleman who was to be their interpreter; and having
thus settled my household, I retired to my bed-chamber.
Not well, nor sick enough to go to bed, I threw myself however down on
it; and after revolving in my mind all the occurrences of the three or
four past days, I started up again, sat down to my desk, and have given
you, my Bidulph, a faithful narrative of my proceedings down to the
present period of time, being November 20, eight o'clock in the evening.
You may soon expect to have the second part of this my delectable
history; 'Shewing how Orlando, not being able to prevail, with all his
eloquence, on the as fair and beautiful, as fierce and inexorable,
Princess Gerrardina, to put the finishing hand to his adventures and
most wonderful exploits, did, his wrath being moved thereby, like an
ungentle knight, bury his sword in her snow-white, but savage and
unrelenting breast; whereat, being stung with remorse, he afterwards
kills himself.'
Would not this be a pretty conclusion of my adventures? No, no, Sir
George, expect better things from thy friend. I hope my knight-errantry
will not end so tragically. But hasten to make my peace with that
gracious creature your sister: yet why do I name her and myself in the
same sentence? She cares not for me, thinks not of me, or, if she does,
it is with contempt. I said this before, and I _must_ repeat it again;
but tell her, what I have done was with a view to promote her happiness.
Oh! may _she_ be happy, whatever becomes of me. I know the means I have
used will make her angry; but try to make her forgive the means for the
motive's sake. Tell her as much of this wild story as you think proper;
but do not let her see it in my wild rambling language; that is only fit
for your own eye.
Your mother, I know, is out of all patience with me. I am black enough
in her opinion already. This last action, as far as she has yet known of
it, will dye me ten shades deeper; but pray put in a word for me there
too. I know she will say, that 'we are not to return evil for evil; and
that it is not lawful to do evil, though to bring forth good.' But put
her in mind that there are such things as _pious frauds_ (though,
by-the-bye, I do not take this of mine to be one of them); 'that wicked
people are to have their arts opposed by _arts_; and that good people
have not only been permitted, but commanded to execute vengeance on
sinners.' And you may hint at the children of Israel's being ordered to
spoil the Ægyptians, though far be it from me to spoil Mrs Gerrarde of
any thing she has. This however, and as many wise sayings as you can
collect for the purpose, you may string together; and be sure you tell
her I have hopes of reclaiming Mrs Gerrarde from her _evil_ courses, and
do not despair of prevailing on her to go into a nunnery; for Mrs
Gerrarde, you must know, was bred a Roman Catholic, though she conformed
on marrying Captain Gerrarde.
Now put all this into decent language, fit for that very good woman's
ears; for _good_ I must call her, notwithstanding she was inexorable to
me.
I am fatigued with writing so long a letter--I feel my disorder increase
upon me; I will be let blood, and hope soon to give you a good account
of my undertaking. Mean while, if I am not quite reprobated, write me a
line, directed under cover to Monsieur Larou, at the Post-house,
Boulogne. Farewel, my dear Bidulph; sick or well, I am ever your's,
O.F.
_December 7_
Was there ever such a piece of knight-errantry? What a mad-cap is this!
Pray, my dear, are you not astonished at him? I am sure I am. I had not
an opportunity to finish the copying of this very long letter, which I
began yesterday morning, till very late this night. My poor mother has
been so restless, and so much out of order, these two days, I desired
her leave to read to her Mr Faulkland's history (for I can call it by no
other name) as I sat by her bed-side. She told me, I might let her know
the substance of what he said, as it would fatigue her too much to
attend to so long an epistle.
You would have smiled, my Cecilia, at my good parent's amazement, when I
told her Mr Faulkland's proceedings, and his reasons for them. She would
scarce give credit to it at first, and I was obliged to repeat several
circumstances to her over again. And so, said she, this was all on
_your_ account, and he had _really_ no ill design on Mrs Gerrarde. I am
glad of this for Miss Burchell's sake, and shall be impatient to tell
her of it. I begged of my mother to wait a while for the result of Mr
Faulkland's adventure, before she mentioned any thing of the matter to
Miss Burchell. We do not yet know, said I, how this matter may turn out;
Mr Faulkland, to be sure, will make haste to communicate to my brother
the issue of this odd affair, and it will then be time enough to inform
the young lady.
My mother unwillingly consented to postpone a discovery which she knew
would be so agreeable to Miss Burchell. I applaud her humanity; but
think that, good and prudent as she is, she is too unreserved in her
confidences. This strange business is, I think, at present in too
critical a suspence to trust the knowledge of it to anybody. If Mr
Faulkland fails in his design, his avowal of it will be far from serving
me. Sir George was with us for a few minutes to-day, only to exult in Mr
Faulkland's recovered credit. Has he not well explained himself, said
he? Oh! I knew there must have been some mystery at the bottom of that
conduct which surprized us all so much. _There's_ a man for you! Shew me
another who would carry his noble disinterested love to such lengths!
My mother did not like that he should run on in that strain, and
therefore stopped him. The end crowns all, Sir George: let us see how
your friend will conduct himself _through_ this ticklish affair. Let him
get through it how he will, answered my brother a little bluntly, I
think Sidney has obligations to him she ought never to forget.
_December 16_
More intelligence, my dear; stranger and stranger still! I am sorry I
sent off my last packet, as I am sure you must be impatient for the
conclusion of Mr Faulkland's adventure; and then what sorry stuff has
the interval been filled up with! but I will now make you amends. My
mother is better too, thank God! and every thing promises well.
Sir George has had a second packet from Boulogne. Take the continuation
of Mrs Gerrarde's history as follows:
How rude is the hand of sickness, my Bidulph! it had like to have
spoiled one of the best projects that ever was undertaken, and
consigned to oblivion an action worthy of immortality. I have been
very ill since I last wrote to you; the disorder, which I then
complained of, turned out to be an ugly fever; and I was for three
days in extreme danger. Mrs Gerrarde was, during that time, closely
attended by Pivet, whose services I dispensed with on that account.
He told me she appeared uneasy at my situation, and enquired
constantly, and _kindly_ too, after my health. When I grew well
enough to sit up, I begged the favour of seeing her in my chamber.
She came very readily, and seemed downright anxious for my recovery.
I told her I hoped she had been treated with proper care and respect
during my sickness. She said Mr Pivet was a very obliging,
good-natured man, and had endeavoured to make her confinement as
easy to her as possible.
The plan she had formed of turning to the most lasting advantage the
inclination she supposed I had for her, inclined her to assume a
very different behaviour from what was natural to her. The weakness
of my condition, while it afforded me a pretence for a more cold and
languid behaviour than I could with any colour have put on at
another time, gave her an opportunity of playing off her arts, and
facilitated my design beyond my hopes.
She was seated at my bed-side: our first conversation consisted of
nothing but complaints on my side, and condolements on her's. I
sighed several times, and she sighed in return. Mrs Gerrarde, said
I, you are afflicted; but my illness has no share in your concern.
Something else oppresses you; you regret the being separated from Mr
Arnold, and I am always the object of your hatred. Neither one nor
t'other, answered she, in a kind voice. 'Tis impossible to hate you;
you know it is not in nature for a _woman_ to hate such a man as Mr
Faulkland. As for Mr Arnold, though I _own_ my former weakness in
regard to him, yet I hope I have something to plead in my excuse. I
was married very early to an old man, and had never experienced the
happiness of reciprocal love: he died, and left me destitute. Mr
Arnold's generous, though I must confess unwarrantable passion,
rescued me from distress. I did not know he was married when I first
unwarily accepted of his addresses, and it was too late to retreat
before I found it out; otherwise the universe should not have
tempted me to have listened to him.
In the midst of the affluence I obtained from him, it often grieved
me to think of the injury I did his wife. There is nothing, Mr
Faulkland, so grating to a generous mind, and I think I may venture
to assert that _mine_ is one, as to live in a state of dependence,
and, at the same time, owe that very dependence to a vice that you
disdain.
I was delighted to find that she had got into this strain; it was
the thing I wished, but durst hardly hope for without abundance of
trouble on my part, and a dissimulation that was irksome to me. I
knew she had studied this speech, and got it by rote to answer her
own purpose; but in this, as is generally the case of designing
people, she overshot herself, and became the dupe to her own
artifice. I laid hold of the cue she gave: Oh! madam, you charm me!
go on, go on; now indeed you shew a generous mind: happy would it be
for all your sex, after having deviated from the paths of virtue, if
they could return to them with so good a grace, so just a sense of
their errors! To _you_, Sir, said she with a solemn air, I am
indebted for my present resolutions: I hope from this time forward
that my life will be irreproachable. _I_ hope so too, madam. I
guessed she understood these words as favouring her design: it was
not meet to undeceive her (a little mental reservation, you know,
Bidulph): she went on, little thinking she was forwarding _my_ plan,
when she only meant to promote her _own_. I hope Mr Arnold will be
as sensible of his fault as I am of _mine_, and that he will never
fall into the like indiscretion again. I believe there can be no
true happiness but between a _married_ pair, who sincerely love each
other.
Good! Good! thought I; sure my better genius prompts the woman to
speak thus. Ah! Mrs Gerrarde, how exactly do your thoughts
correspond with mine! How just are all your sentiments! What a true
relish have you for virtue! Yes, I hope with you that Mr Arnold will
be able to tread in your steps: it is a pity he has not your noble
example before him. Mrs Arnold is a good woman, and he might still
live with her in tolerable contentment, if he can get the better of
his irregular passion for you. What a noble triumph of virtuous
resolution would this be, if you yourself were the instrument to
bring this about. For Mrs Arnold's and her brother's sake, as well
as your own, I wish this were feasible.
I would do any thing in my power, said she (thinking she obliged me
by the declaration); but I know not by what means such an event can
be brought to pass.
I was afraid to urge the matter farther: I was within an hair's
breadth of gaining my point, but did not think it prudent to press
too forward. We'll think of it another time, said I, and groaned
heavily, as if my spirits were fatigued with talking. She took the
hint. I am afraid I have tired you; you have talked too much. I
answered her faintly, You are very good! She curtesied to me, and
retired with a majestic step. I saw her no more that day: she had
got upon stilts, and it was not yet time to take her down. To-morrow
may produce a wonder: I will wait for it. I am really weak, but
begin to recover my spirits.
_Boulogne, December 6._
Nothing is so conducive to the body's health, as the mind's being at
ease. I have proved the truth of this observation: my soul had been
racked with suspence and uncertainty during my illness; the uneasy
state of my mind increased my disorder; the disorder itself had
chiefly given rise to my apprehensions, as pain and sickness are
naturally accompanied with a gloominess of thought. Thus the cause
and its effects were united in mutual league against me, and
reciprocally assisted each other to plague and torment me.
My fears were intirely on Mrs Arnold's account. What, thought I,
would be the consequence of my project, in case of my death? Mrs
Gerrarde will return back to England; and, upon telling her story,
will be received again by Arnold; their union perhaps established as
firmly as before, and poor Mrs Arnold's hopes ruined for ever. Then
I thought what a wretch I must appear in her eyes, doubtful, may be,
of my sincerity as to the motives I urged to you for my conduct. On
the other hand, if these motives should by any means happen to be
suspected by Mrs Gerrarde, it might be the means of producing the
direct contrary effect from what I intended; and instead of
banishing Arnold's cruel suspicions of his lady, only serve to
strengthen them; for I knew Mrs Gerrarde would leave nothing unsaid
or undone for this horrid purpose; and it is not every one, Sir
George, whose hearts are enlarged enough to suppose a man may now
and then take a little pains from disinterested principles. This
last suggestion of my thoughts made me almost mad, and actually
brought on a delirium; and what may seem a paradox, though it is
literally true, the total deprivation of my senses for two days was
the means of my recovering them afterwards; for I am sure, had I
retained enough of them to have ruminated longer on this fatal
supposition, and my disorder had still threatened me with death,
I should have run mad. The care of a skilful physician recalled
me from the precincts of the grave; the strength of a constitution,
naturally good, joined to all the resolution I could muster, did the
rest.
The first use I made of my recovered reason, was to consult with
myself in what manner, or by what means, I should prevail on Mrs
Gerrarde to lend a helping hand to my design. Her leaving Arnold to
go off with me, and to all human appearance with her own consent,
was a material point gained; but the most important of all, and
without which every thing else would be fruitless, was to get her to
acknowlege, under her own hand, the injury she had done Mrs Arnold
by her vile insinuations to her husband. This was the grand object
of all my wishes. This, you will say, was difficult: I confess it
did then appear so to me. I had not at first weighed all the
consequences of my enterprize with that deliberation that I ought.
The principal object I had in view, was the separating Mrs Gerrarde
and Mr Arnold, and raising his indignation against her, on account
of the apparent infidelity on her side. To say the truth, I had not
considered what I was to do with her when I had her. Two things I
had resolved on; the one was, not to let her return to England; the
other, to provide for her in whatever way she would put it in my
power (the devoting myself to her excepted), in such a manner as
should leave her no room to reproach me with having injured her
temporal welfare.
During my illness, I had resolved all these things in my mind; the
last, viz. the providing for Mrs Gerrarde, was not a matter in which
I expected to meet many difficulties; the other appeared very
formidable. Several methods presented themselves, but none of them
pleased me, and I rejected them one after the other; and, to tell
you my mind honestly, I was almost resolved on using compulsion, and
frightening the poor woman into compliance; for I preferred even
this to artificial dealings. I had already used more than I could
have possibly brought myself to on any other occasion in the world;
and I think I should have threatened her with a nunnery, the
bastile, or even an inquisition, sooner than have failed, if she
herself had not beyond expectation, beyond hope, almost beyond the
evidence of my senses, led me as it were to request the thing of
her, which of all others I most despaired of her consenting to, or
even hearing proposed with patience. And yet, notwithstanding the
seeming strangeness of this, it was nothing but what was very
natural, and most consonant to her own designs. Blinded, and, as I
may say, infatuated by vanity, she imagined, that as I had taken
such uncommon pains to obtain her, I must love her with an uncommon
degree of passion; and that her steadily refusing any dishonourable
proposals, might induce me, rather than lose her, to make her my
wife.
In order to prepare me the better for this, no means were more
natural, than for her to assume the air of a penitent, to seem sorry
and ashamed of her past sins, and resolve on a virtuous course for
the future. At the worst, that is, if she found _I_ was not disposed
to be as virtuous as herself, she knew she might play an after-game;
and could easily relax by degrees from the severity of her chastity,
accordingly as I made it worth her while.
This was the master-key to her behaviour, and once I had got it,
which I soon did, it was easy to unlock her breast.
She came into my room the next morning without an invitation, and
only the previous ceremony of sending Rachael to enquire how I did,
and to tell me, if I were well enough to _rise_ (observe her
nicety), she would sit half an hour with me. I had enjoyed such
tranquility of heart since my last conference with her, and had
rested so well the preceding night, that I found myself quite
another thing from what I was the day before; and, excepting a
little weakness, I was as well as ever I was in my life. I was up
and dressed, and you may be sure sent a suitable answer to her kind
message, which soon brought the lady, sailing with an imperial port,
into my chamber. After some civilities past on both sides, she, by
way of bringing her own interests on the tapis, re-assumed the topic
of our yesterday's conversation.
You can't imagine, Mr Faulkland, said she, how easy I am in my
mind, since I have reconciled myself to the loss of Mr Arnold. I own
I had a regard for him; but I think it had more of gratitude than
love in it; for though he is an agreeable man, to say the truth, he
never was quite to my taste: he always had something too formal
about him.
I took the liberty to ask her, how she first came acquainted with Mr
Arnold; and, as you may not know it, I will give you the story. She
answered, with a profound sigh, It was by mere accident I first saw
him. After the death of Captain Gerrarde, which happened in a little
more than a year after we left Bath, for the gout, poor man, got
into his stomach not long after we returned home (and the crocodile
pretended to drop a tear), I went to London, in order to sollicit
for my pension. As I had formerly been a Roman Catholic, and had not
publickly renounced that persuasion, some difficulties arose in the
business; and a friend of my deceased husband, who had undertaken
the affair for me, happening to be an intimate of Mr Arnold's, and
knowing he had an influence with the secretary at war, endeavoured
to interest him in my favour, by representing my situation in the
most affecting light he could to him. He kindly undertook to
interfere for me, and was as good as his word; but could not
surmount the difficulty of the objection which was made to my claim.
He happened one morning, unluckily for me, to call in at my friend's
lodgings, to tell him of his ill success: I, impatient to know how
my affair went on, had dropped in to inquire about it a few minutes
before him, and was sitting in the dining-room when Mr Arnold
entered. I was in my weeds, and my melancholy looks I believe made
Mr Arnold conjecture I was the person for whom he had so kindly
concerned himself. He told my friend he was sorry to inform him,
that though he had used all means in his power, with regard to the
affair in which he had employed him, he found it was impossible to
effect the business; and I am the more concerned, said he, turning
towards me, as I am afraid this lady is to be the sufferer. My
relation said I was the person for whom he had been so good as to
intercede. I returned Mr Arnold thanks, not without tears, at the
uncomfortable prospect I had before me; for I had then nothing to
depend on, but my small jointure in Kent. I was about to take my
leave; but observing it rained, desired my friend to give his
servant leave to call me a chair. Mr Arnold very politely desired I
would permit him to set me down, as his chariot waited at the door.
I would have excused myself; but my relation said, 'Tis in his way,
child; and since you have no hopes of a pension, you ought to be
sparing of chair-hire. Mr Arnold very obligingly offered me his
hand, and led me to his chariot. He set me down at my lodgings, and
at parting desired permission to wait on me. The fatal consequence
of our acquaintance it was impossible for me to foresee; for I never
had the least hint given me, either from my own relation or Mr
Arnold himself, that he was a married man, till he had so far
secured my gratitude, by repeated acts of generosity, that it was
impossible for me to refuse him the return he demanded.
Too-grateful heart, said I (pretending to believe her cant), what a
pity thou wert not destined to reward a purer love! But I thought,
madam, you really had enjoyed a pension?
It was not necessary, she answered, that I should let the world
suppose otherwise. I was not at all known when I first came to town.
Mr Arnold's excessive profuseness (quiet against my inclination)
threw me into a more expensive way of living than before. I found
myself obliged to account for it, to the few acquaintance I had, by
all the probable means I could devise. For this purpose, I pretended
that I had not only obtained a pension, but had also a fortune left
me by the death of a relation. This was believed, as nobody troubled
their heads to enquire whether it was true or not.
Mr Arnold was passionately fond of the country, and always passed
his summers there; but as he could not think of parting with me, he
was sadly at a loss how to have me near him, without bringing on us
both the observation of an inquisitive neighbourhood (such as all
country places abound in), if I went down, quite a stranger as I
was, into Essex; particularly as he told me there were two families
near Arnold-abbey, who made it their business to pry into other
people's affairs. These were, a Lady Grimston, a censorious old
woman, and the parson of the parish, who was a mighty strict man, of
whom Mr Arnold seemed to stand in some awe. He therefore determined
against my going to that part of the world: but having casually
heard me speak of my little cottage in Kent, where poor Captain
Gerrarde and I had lived for two or three years, he asked me
whereabouts it was, and was delighted to find it joined his own
estate at South Park, and was within a mile of his house. He begged
of me to go down to my own house, which he insisted on furnishing
elegantly for me, and obliged me also to keep a chariot. I (tho'
unwillingly) found myself under a necessity of complying. About a
fortnight after I was settled at Ashby, Mr Arnold and his family
came down: then it was that, for the first time, I saw his lady. I
went to pay my compliments to her, as every genteel family in the
neighbourhood did; and I own I never saw her without feeling myself
shocked to death at the thoughts of the injury I did her; for I
really believe Mrs Arnold is a very well-meaning woman.
Oh! thou scorpion, muttered I to myself, and yet thou hast pursued
her to affliction and ruin!
That Mrs Arnold is a well-meaning woman, said I coldly, I have no
doubt; yet you see Mr Arnold's opinion of her virtue was not strong
enough to be proof against suspicions; for it is most certain, that,
if he had not given credit to your representations of his wife's
conduct, he would not have gone such lengths as to have parted with
her; for Arnold had always some regard to appearances.
_My_ representations, Sir! with a look of astonishment; pray do not
lay more to my charge than I deserve: what the particular reasons
were, which induced Mr Arnold to part with his wife, I will not say;
but whatever his suspicions were, they never took their rise from
me.
I found she intended to brazen this denial out; but as it was
absolutely necessary to my design to bring her to a confession of
this particular act of perfidy, I resolved to lead her into it in
such a way as should be least mortifying to her pride.
Come, come, my dear Mrs Gerrarde, said I, I know you are above
concealing any past failings that you are resolved to mend. I know
very well that it was _your_ insinuations, and your's only, that
kindled the fire of jealousy in Arnold's breast. Such arts are not
uncommon in lovers. You loved him then, and wished to have him
intirely to yourself; and a wife, though a forsaken one, is still
intitled to so much attention from her husband, as a fond mistress
may think robs her of too much. I know this was the case, and it is
natural: but were you not an unmerciful little tyrant to involve
_me_ in the mischief, and put it into the man's noddle, that _I_ had
designs upon his wife?
The easy manner in which I affected to speak of this affair, seemed
to reconcile her a little to the charge; but the last part of it,
which regarded myself, struck her all of a heap. She had no notion
that I knew it. She was going to speak, to deny the accusation I
suppose, and therefore I prevented her; and taking her by the hand,
Come now, said I, deal with me ingenuously; and if you persuade me
that you are really in earnest, and mean to repair those little
lapses which you have inconsiderately been led into, tell me truly,
did you really believe that I ever had any thoughts of an amour with
Mrs Arnold?
I chose to give my inquiry this turn, that she might, with less
shame to herself, by laying hold on the hint, acknowlege her guilt.
She hesitated for an answer, and I guessed she was considering
whether to persist in denying the whole charge against her, or avail
herself of the handle I had given her, and make a sort of merit of
her sincerity, by pretending to believe what she was thoroughly
convinced there was not the least foundation even to suspect, but
what her own wicked suggestions had encouraged in the unfortunate
Arnold. Her silence, thus rightly interpreted by me, made me go on:
You see I know all your secrets; and you are not the woman I take
you for, if you conceal your real sentiments in this particular:
more of my quiet depends on it than you are aware of, and I withdrew
my hand from her's with a serious and almost resenting air.
She appeared disturbed, and in a good deal of confusion; but
recovering herself, Why really, Mr Faulkland, I can't say but I
_had_ some suspicion of what you mention. I was no stranger to your
fondness for Mrs Arnold before she was married, and there was
nothing very surprising in a disappointed lover's renewing his
hopes, when he thought the neglect which a lady met with from her
husband, might incline her to be less obdurate to a man she was once
known to favour so much.
This was enough: I did not think it by any means necessary to press
her to a farther explanation; what she said was a sufficient
acknowlegement of her fault, though the cunning sorceress had turned
the hint (which I had thrown out on purpose) to her own advantage;
and had the affrontery to avow an opinion which had never before
entered into her imagination.
I found it necessary now to carry on the farce, by assuring her, I
had never entertained a thought to Mrs Arnold's dishonour; and that
though I made no great scruple of robbing a man of his mistress, yet
I thought it a crime of the blackest dye to deprive him of the
affection or fidelity of his wife.
The serious manner in which I spoke this a little disconcerted Mrs
Gerrarde. Well, said she, I can only say, that I am very sorry I
entertained so false a suspicion; and more so, as it has produced
such unhappy consequences: but I hope Mr Faulkland will not believe
that I meant _him_ any injury?
That I am sure you did not, said I; and yet this very affair has
given me more uneasiness than you can imagine; for as Mrs Arnold's
brother is my most particular friend, he must think me the greatest
of villains, if I could entertain a thought of dishonouring his
family: the fear of losing his friendship, I own, gives me more pain
than I can express, and there is nothing I would not do to
exculpate myself to him.
I am very unfortunate, cried Mrs Gerrarde (pretending to wipe her
eyes), to have been the occasion of so much uneasiness in any-body's
family. I wish I had died before I was so unhappy as to meet with Mr
Arnold: if it had not been for him, I might now have been an
innocent and a contented woman; and she _really_ squeezed out a
tear, though not of contrition.
Dear madam (again taking her hand), do not afflict yourself for what
is past recalling; contentment, nay happiness, I hope, is yet within
your reach; it will be your own fault if you do not lay hold of it:
as for the unhappy family that _I_, as well as _you_, have
contributed to distress, I wish from my heart there could be a
reunion amongst them. Mr Arnold's having lost you might perhaps
incline him to turn his thoughts towards his wife, if he were not
prejudiced against her by the suspicions he has entertained of her
virtue. This I am afraid will be an insuperable bar to their ever
living together, unless your influence, which first gave birth to
his jealousy, is still forcible enough to remove it.
I wish it were in my power, said Mrs Gerrarde; there is nothing I
would not do to effect it: but what influence can I have on Mr
Arnold, after what has happened?
Suppose you were to write to him, said I: you and he probably may
never meet again; and it would be an effort worthy indeed of a noble
mind, to repair the wrongs we have done to others, by a candid
acknowlegement of our own faults. Putting Mrs Arnold out of the
question, 'tis a reparation you owe _my_ character; for however
light the world may make of a piece of gallantry with a married
woman, it is a matter of serious moment to me to acquit myself of
the supposed crime to Sir George Bidulph.
If you think, said she, that my writing to Mr Arnold could produce
such good effects, I am ready to do it; though I confess I hardly
know how to address him; for he must, to be sure, look upon me as
the very reverse of what I _really_ am, and thinks me without
dispute an ungrateful woman.
We can but try, said I: if it does not produce the desired effect,
it will not be your fault; and you will have the satisfaction to
reflect, that you have done your duty. I stepped to my escruitore
while I was speaking; and resolving not to give her time to cool,
took out pen, ink, and paper, and laid them on a little
writing-table before her. If this unlucky breach, said I, were once
made up, my mind would then be easy.
She took the pen in her hand, but seemed irresolute, and at a loss
how to begin. Come, madam, said I, and confute, by your own example,
the received erroneous opinion, that if a woman once strays from the
paths of virtue, she never returns to them.
A false and ill-grounded opinion indeed, said she, lifting up her
prophane eyes as in penitence. What am I to say?
[You are to observe, that my notes, as she went along while I
dictated, are put between hooks.]
[Begin] 'Dear Sir' [for I would neither be too familiar nor too
cold], 'The terms on which you and I have lived, intitles you to an
explanation of my reasons for leaving you so abruptly; and I hope
the generosity of my motive will incline you to overlook the seeming
unkindness of the action.' [This you may assure yourself it will,
when he comes to consider coolly]. 'The unhappiness that I
occasioned in your family, by causing the separation of you and your
wife, has, for a long time, been a thorn in my heart; and the more
so, as besides the robbing her of your affections, I own, and take
shame to myself in the confession' [how noble must he think this
confession!], 'that those aspersions, which I threw on her, had not
the least foundation in truth.' [This is truly great]. 'I always
believed her perfectly innocent; but, if I could have had the least
possible doubt of it before, I must now be confirmed in that opinion
by Mr Faulkland, who can have no reason for excusing or concealing
facts of this nature from me at present.' [Here she added of
herself, repeating it first aloud to me], 'and I think the
preference he has given me to her, now in her state of separation,
is a convincing proof of this.' [An admirable argument] (her vanity
would not let her slip this observation). [Proceed, madam]. 'The
true reasons of my insinuations against her, were no other than that
I could not bear to share your affections with any-body' [and a very
sufficient reason too, which a man that loves can easily forgive].
'I knew, that so long as she gave you no cause of complaint, you
were too just to withdraw your whole heart from her, and nothing
_but_ the whole would content me.' [Still you see you shew a great
mind]. True, said she, going on; but my reason for leaving him
without apprizing him of it, what are we to say for that? [Oh!
nothing more _easy_ to execute: he will admire you the more for the
reason _I_ shall give. Come]. 'My departing without first making you
acquainted with my design, and going off with another person, may,
at first sight, seem very strange; but, to tell you the real state
of my heart, I found I could not trust to its firmness on the
subject of parting with you. I loved you so, that it was with pain
and grief I made the resolution; and I knew too well, that had you
used any arguments, which to be sure you would have done, to
dissuade me, I, like an easy fool, would have given up all my good
designs.' [I am only afraid this will make him love you more than
ever]. (She smiled as she continued to write). 'As for the other
article'--(This I was more puzzled to excuse than the first; but,
putting on a bold face, I said, Madam, I hope you will not condemn
me here, while you excuse yourself: the saying you were _run away_
with, will knock all the rest on the head, and he may chuse whether
he will believe that you really intended to break off with him or
not; therefore that particular had better not be touched upon. Well,
said she, get me out of this scrape as cleverly as you have brought
me into it. Fear not, said I; go on). 'As for the other article,
though I shall never love Mr Faulkland as I have done you, yet in
him I have found a protector; and through his means, I hope to pass
the remainder of my life, in a manner more suitable to a woman of a
generous way of thinking, than that wherein she considered herself
as encroaching on the rights of another. I hope, by this sacrifice
which I have made of my love to a more heroic principle, that I
shall expiate my former offence; and that you will follow my example
so far as to make what reparation you can to the woman we have both
injured.' [How this must raise, how exalt you in his opinion! I
think it must, cried she, bridling up her head, as if they were
really her own sentiments].
I believe, said I, this is all that is necessary to be said: you may
add, in a postscript, that, as he furnished the house for you at
Ashby, every thing in it is at his service; together with your
chariot and horses, which were also his gifts.
She demurred to this; and in the midst of her heroics, said, I wish
I could get somebody to sell them for me privately, and remit the
money to me; for, since I _am_ here, I should like to see a little
more of France before I return.
I told her that would look mean, and below a _great mind_. Well,
said she, let them go. I owe all my servants a year's wages, and
another person about fifty pounds for a little temple he had just
built in my garden, but not quite finished when I came away. I think
I had better desire those debts to be discharged: I have always been
very punctual in my dealings, and would not for the world _wrong_
anybody.
You are in the right, said I: it will look honourable in you to
desire those debts to be paid.
She now proceeded to conclude her letter in the same stile she had
begun it, and added a postscript to the purport I mentioned. I
hastened to make her seal it up, and direct it to Mr Arnold, at his
house in London, who, I suppose, has had the pleasure of receiving
it before now; for I dispatched it off directly. I flatter myself
with the hope that it will have the desired effect on him.
You will think perhaps, that, as I have managed it, I have really
given her a sort of merit with him in the acknowlegement of her
fault, and the pretended reason she gives for leaving him. No such
thing, Sir George. Arnold is a man of too much sense, and knows the
world too well, to be so deceived. I have been told by my Lord
V----, knows him perfectly, that nobody judges better when he is not
blinded by his passions. All her professions must go for nothing
when _facts_ are against her. 'Tis plain she went off with another
man, and to all appearances premeditately, as her maid and her
riches bore her company. 'Tis also plain, by her own confession,
that this man stands well with her. As for her recanting her
injurious aspersions on poor Mrs Arnold, 'tis the only circumstance
in her letter likely to gain belief, as she could have no temptation
to that but real compunction, with which people of that kind are
sometimes visited; and for the rest of her letter, to any one of
common understanding, that lays circumstances together, it will
appear, as I intended it should, the contrivance of an artful jilt,
who, having almost ruined the wretch she has had in her power, would
afterwards make a _merit_ of deserting him; for they must be
hardened reprobates indeed, that would not, if they could, at least
_try_ to palliate their evil deeds. This is the light I expect
Arnold will consider her in. I know he is hurt deeply in his fortune
by this vile harpy. I hope the remnant may be sufficient to support
your excellent sister, if not in affluence, at least with comfort,
should she regain her influence over him, and submit to live with
him again. This, I am sure, will be the consequence, if he is not
blind to his own happiness.
I shall be impatient to know how the letter operates on him; but
this you are not likely to be let into; and perhaps his pride may
make him endeavour to conceal it from every-body. My Lord V----, I
am sure, will pick up some intelligence, and send it to me.
I think Mrs Gerrarde's confession, in regard to Mrs Arnold (to which
she could have no interested motive), with the corroborating
circumstance of _my_ going off with her at a time when Mrs Arnold
was from under her husband's protection, injured by him in the
tenderest point, and aspersed by a barbarous and invidious world;
all this, I say, must surely clear from all suspicion that admirable
creature: for who, that knows Mrs Arnold, would think that any man
(except her husband) would prefer any woman upon earth to her? If
this does not remove all doubt of her conduct in Arnold, as well as
in the rest of the world, my pains have been to little purpose; and
I know no other human means that can be used to disabuse the mad
credulity of that man. I pity him from my heart in his present
situation; for it will be some time before he will be sensible of
the good I have done him; and, I dare swear, the man is at this time
so ungrateful, that, if he could, he would cut my throat. I do not
want to have him know the extent of his obligation to me: I shall be
satisfied to sit down in the contemplation of my meritorious
actions, without enjoying the fame of them. This greatness of mind I
learnt of Mrs Gerrarde. But to return:
The having gained my material point put me into such spirits, that I
could have kissed Mrs Gerrarde; a liberty which, I assure you,
however I never presumed to take. She, for her part, seemed as well
pleased with what she had done as I was. I praised her for the part
she had acted, though I very much feared she would repent of it when
we came to explanations, which I resolved should be on that very
day. I told her, I hoped she would oblige me with her company at
dinner. She consented with a bow. I had ordered one to be got ready
earlier than usual, and directed that it should be in her apartment.
We were told it was on table. I never saw Mrs Gerrarde so agreeable
as she was during dinner; she was in high spirits and good-humour: I
almost thought it a pity to let her down that day; but I considered
the longer her expectations were kept up, the greater would be her
disappointment; and, out of pure charity, I determined to put her
out of doubt.
I had been told Mrs Gerrarde was no enemy to a chearful glass; but
the designs she had formed upon me put her on her guard, and I
observed she drank nothing but wine and water, made very small.
This, I was afraid, would not be sufficient to keep up her courage
under what I intended to say to her. I pretended to be disposed to
drink, and insisted on her helping me out with a flask of burgundy.
With affected coyness she suffered me to fill her glass; the second
offer I made, her resistance was less; the third she made no
objection to at all; and the fourth she filled for herself. The
wine was excellent; not that poor sort which is commonly drunk in
France. In short, we finished our bottle. I thought her now a match
for what I had to say. I had made the glass pass briskly, and had
filled up the intervals with singing catches, and rattling on any
subject that came into my head.
Mrs Gerrarde, who no doubt expected I should make an advance of some
kind or other, seemed to grow a little out of humour at my levity. I
found the burgundy had been quite thrown away upon her, and had had
very little effect: she was silent for a few minutes, and seemed to
be considering of something: at last she opened, and I will give you
the conversation that passed between us, by way of dialogue.
_Mrs G_ Mr Faulkland, it is time that you and I should understand
one another's meaning a little better than we do at present: you
know very well that you have put an end to all my expectations in
England: indeed, if I were at liberty, I could not have the face to
return there again in any character but that of your wife. (I was
glad she began first, and that, though I guessed at her views, she
had used so little caution in discovering them, as it at once roused
in me an indignation which I could not suppress, and without which I
could not have brought myself to mortify her as she deserved).
_Mr F_ My _wife_, madam! (stopping her at that tremendous word) be
pleased to tell me if I heard you right?
_Mrs G_ Yes, Sir, it was as your wife I said: if you think you and I
are to live together on any other terms, you will find yourself
exceedingly mistaken. (I smiled, and suffered her to go on). I
thought, Sir (stifling the anger that I saw rising), that the words
which you yourself dictated in the letter which I just now wrote,
where you say, _I had in you found a protector, and one by whose
means I should be able to pass the rest of my life in a manner more
suitable to a woman of a generous way of thinking, than that wherein
she considered herself as incroaching on the rights of
another_--Were not these your own words, Sir?
_Mr F_ They were, Madam. (To say the truth, there was something
equivocal in the paragraph, though, when I desired her to write it,
this construction never entered into my head).
_Mrs G_ Then, Sir, how am I to understand them?
_Mr F_ I protest, Madam, you have forced a construction that I never
once so much as dreamed of.
_Mrs G_ Why, Mr Faulkland (with a very brisk tone), do you fancy
that by changing Mr Arnold for _you_ on any other conditions, that I
am such a mighty gainer by the bargain?
_Mr F_ Why really, Madam, if that _were_ to be the case, I don't
think you would be a very great loser: you have got as much from
poor Arnold as you could expect: I am able to do better for you;
and, as I am nobody's property, it would certainly, in _that_
respect, be rather a more eligible course.
_Mrs G_ Sir, you use me very ill! I did not expect such treatment.
_Mr F_ How, pray Madam? Did I ever say I would marry you?
_Mrs G_ No, Sir; but your behaviour has given me room to suppose
that such a thing was in your thoughts.
_Mr F_ Are you not then the more obliged to me for treating you with
such respect as made you fancy so?
_Mrs G_ Respect! respect (muttering between her teeth), Mr
Faulkland! (and she stood up) there is not a man in England but
yourself, after what I have declared, that would refuse making me
his wife.
_Mr F_ What have you declared, Mrs Gerrarde?
_Mrs G_ Why, have I not ingenuously owned my failings, shewed myself
sorry for them, quitted them, and made all the reparation in my
power?
(I was amazed to see how audaciously she had adopted as her own, the
sentiments which I had suggested to her: it was so like her, that I
could have laughed in her face).
_Mr F_ Your behaviour, on this occasion, has really been worthy of
the imitation of all your own sex, and the praise of ours: for a
woman _voluntarily_ to quit an irregular life, and that too from
mere motives of _conscience_--(I was stopped by a knavish sneer,
which I could not subdue. She saw it, and fired immediately; but
strutted about the room to cool herself: at last, for I sat very
silent, looking at her, and playing with one of the glasses)--
_Mrs G_ Mr Faulkland, if you are disposed to have done trifling, and
will vouchsafe me a serious answer, pray tell me, Are you absolutely
determined not to marry me?
_Mr F_ Absolutely.
_Mrs G_ You are not serious, sure!
_Mr F_ My dear creature, why sure _thou_ canst not be serious in
asking me the question!
_Mrs G_ Sir, I _am_ serious, and expect a serious answer.
_Mr F_ Why then,--seriously, I have no more thoughts of marrying
thee, than I have of marrying the first sultana in the grand
seignior's seraglio.
_Mrs G_ Very well, Sir; very well; I am answered; (and she walked
quicker about the room than before).
We were both silent. She, I suppose, expected that I should propose
other terms, and a settlement; and waited, to try if I would speak.
I had a mind to teaze her a little, and hummed a tune.
_Mrs G_ (Advancing to me, and making a low curt'sey, with a most
scornful and sarcastical air) May I presume to enquire what your
mightiness's pleasure is in regard to me? Do you intend to keep me
for your nurse against your next illness, or to send me to the grand
seignior's seraglio to wait upon the first sultana?
_Mr F_ Neither (carelessly, and looking another way). I have not yet
determined which way I shall dispose of you.
_Mrs G_ _Dispose_ of me! _dispose_ of me! why sure the man has lost
his senses!
_Mr F_ Look you, Mrs Gerrarde; we will no longer play at
cross-purposes: sit down, and be calm for a few minutes, till you
hear what I have to say.
(She did so, with a kind of impatience in her looks, that informed
me I might have made a very free proposal, without any great danger
of her resentment).
_Mr F_ How long have you and I been acquainted?
_Mrs G_ Lord! what is that question to the purpose?
_Mr F_ 'Tis only in order to my desiring you would look back, and,
upon recollection, ask yourself, if you ever had any reason to look
upon me as your lover.
_Mrs G_ I made that observation to you when we were travelling
together: what is the use of it now?
_Mr F_ Did I, in the course of our journey, declare myself to be
such, or drop the least hint of devoting myself to you on any
condition?
_Mrs G_ We did not talk on the subject at all.
_Mr F_ Did I ever presume, on the advantage of having you in my
power, to venture on the smallest liberty with you; or ever deviate
from that respect in my behaviour, that I was used, at all other
times, to treat you with?
_Mrs G_ I do not say you did; and it was that very behaviour that
inclined me to imagine you had other thoughts than those I find you
have.
_Mr F_ You drew a wrong conclusion, though it is to be confessed
not a very unnatural one. Such a behaviour might have been so
construed by a lady otherwise circumstanced than you were; but I
think a woman of your sagacity might have concluded, that, with Mrs
Gerrarde, a man would first have tried his fortune upon gentler
terms than those of matrimony.
_Mrs G_ Well, well (peevishly); I do not understand your riddles: to
the point.
_Mr F_ Why, the point, in short, is this; that, without any
particular designs on your person, my whole view, in carrying you
out of England, was to break off your intercourse with Mr Arnold.
(She seemed thunder-struck; but recovering herself, And is _this_
what I am to hear calmly? And she flounced off the chair to the
other end of the room.
I followed her; and, taking her hand, begged she would sit down
again, and hear me out. I drew her to a chair, and gently set her
down in it).
_Mr F_ Now, for your own sake, hear me with patience; violence or
perverseness will be of no use to you.
_Mrs G_ Very well, Sir; I am your prisoner; your _slave_ at present:
say what you please; 'tis _your_ turn _now_.
_Mr F_ Well then, Madam, as I said before, I really never had any
designs upon you merely on your own account. I allow you to be a
very fine woman, and capable of inspiring love in any man that sees
you; but I must tell you plainly, that _love_ has had no share in my
conduct. (I saw stifled rage in her face; but I proceeded). I have
already told you the real motive of my carrying you off: it was, as
I said, to dissolve the union between you and Mr Arnold, and my
reasons for wishing to do so are these: Mr Arnold is married to one
of the best women living, for whom I have the highest respect and
esteem, and whom I once adored: That lady has, by your influence
over her husband, not only been thrown out from his heart, but even
thrust out from his house. But the calamity stops not there; she is
cruelly aspersed by the world through your suggestions, and I am the
person pointed at for the injurer of Mr Arnold's honour, and the
destroyer of his wife's innocence. You have brought shame and grief
into a worthy family. Lady Bidulph (an excellent woman) has not been
able to overcome the shock of the barbarous treatment her daughter
has met with. Her brother, the beloved friend of my heart, suffers
equal distress; for, though he is conscious of his sister's
innocence, he feels the wounds that her reputation has received;
nor can he possibly redress the mischief, as his sister's injuries
spring from a cause which her delicacy will not permit to be
scrutinized. Her two poor children are left without a mother; she
herself almost without a friend, and sinking every day under the
weight of such complicated misery. As for Mr Arnold himself, I
profess no personal regard for him: I scarce know him; but, for his
family's sake, I would, on any _other_ occasion, risque my life to
save him from ruin; for ruin you have almost brought on him. I am no
stranger to the sums he has lavished on you; his purchasing an
employment for _one_ of your brothers, and redeeming another from a
prison. You have lost nothing by my proceedings but what I shall
make up ten-fold to you, if you behave so as to deserve my kindness.
I have now laid before you the true reasons for my conduct. I hope,
that by breaking the inchantment that tied Mr Arnold's heart, and
blinded his understanding, he may be induced to do justice to his
injured lady and her family. If this comes to pass, as I have strong
reason to hope, I have no doubt of the lady's character being
retrieved. _Groundless_ calumnies generally die of themselves,
unless industriously kept alive by malice. Mrs Arnold's blameless
conduct, the friendship her brother has all along continued to
favour me with, joined to this last apparent proof of my attachment
to you, will, I am certain, in the eyes of the world, acquit her of
all suspicion of guilt. Your letter to Mr Arnold will, as far as
relates to your own opinion of her, give unquestionable evidence of
her innocence.
Now, Mrs Gerrarde, lay your hand on your heart, and answer me if I
have not given you reasons, which, though they may not be
satisfactory to you, are in themselves of weight sufficient to
justify my conduct.
I had watched her countenance narrowly during my discourse, which
she had listened to without once looking at me. I saw I had shocked
and even confounded her; but I saw no remorse, no contrition in her
looks. All artifice was now at an end, and she unmasked the fiend
directly. She started off her chair with the looks and gesture of a
fury; and fixing her eyes (which had really something diabolical in
them at that instant) steadily on me, You wretch! she cried, with a
voice answerable to her looks, you are such a false, dissembling,
mean-spirited reptile, that if you had a kingdom to offer me, and
would lay yourself at my feet to beg my acceptance of you, I would
trample on you like dirt! and she stamped on the floor with the air
of an amazon. Do you think you shall carry on this fine-contrived
enterprize? No, if I perish for it, I will have vengeance: Mr Arnold
shall know how I have been deceived and betrayed, and I will at
least have the satisfaction of getting your life, if I lose every
thing besides.
A burst of malignant tears now gushed from her eyes; but she robbed
them of their efficacy, by mixing with them the bitterest
imprecations against me. She curst even the innocent Mrs Arnold,
you, and the whole family; and her own folly, in being blinded by
the arts of such a worthless milk-sop as myself.
I let her give vent to her passion, calmly walking about the room
all the time; only now and then casting an eye on her, for fear she
should have rushed on me with a penknife; for I have not the least
doubt, if she had had such an instrument about her, she would have
made an attempt that might have given a very tragical turn to my
adventures.
When she had done sobbing, I addressed her in a very stern voice;
for I found I had no baby to deal with, and therefore resolved to
frighten her into submission.
I told you before, Madam, that violence would be of no use to you:
your menaces I laugh at; you are in my power intirely, and
absolutely at my disposal: to think of getting out of my hands would
be vain; for it is as impracticable as flying. No mortal knows where
you are but the people of this house, who are strangers to your name
and circumstances; and if they knew both, they are so totally at my
devotion, that it would not avail you. I shall cut off all
possibility of a correspondence to England. What then must be your
resource? I am prepared against all events; and I would carry you
about locked up in an iron cage, like the Turkish tyrant, till I had
subdued that termagant spirit, sooner than you should have your
liberty to do more mischief. If you have any regard to your own
interest, you will endeavour to make me your friend: I have the
power and the will to serve you; I have done you no injury; I said I
would be your protector; and so I will, if you will suffer me to be
so. I said I would be the means of your passing your days in a state
more eligible to a woman of either spirit, discretion, or a grain of
honour, than you have hitherto done. This I am ready to make good,
if you will not be wanting on your part to your own happiness. You
have acknowleged that you are conscious of your own errors, are
sorry for them, and are willing to quit them (This was turning her
own weapons against herself); if you are in earnest in this
declaration, I will give you the means of quitting them. The money
you have now in your possession, even with the addition of your
little jointure, is not sufficient to promise you such a support as
would make you easy, if you were to return to England to-morrow; and
your story known (as it would be), what could you expect? Do you
think Arnold could be so besotted as to receive you again? What must
be your resource? Why, to continue, while your beauty lasts, in a
wretched, abandoned course. Ten thousand to one you might never
light on another whose love would be prodigal enough to enrich you.
The only choice left you, is to stay where you are not known, and
where, if you behave well, you may gain the respect and esteem which
you could never hope for in a place where your history is known. If
you will content yourself with an easy fortune, joined to a life of
virtue and tranquillity, I will provide you with a husband that many
a woman in your circumstances would bless her stars for: I will
double the portion you have already, and get it settled on you; and
will, on certain conditions, add a handsome yearly income. If you do
not like this proposal, I have no other alternative to offer but a
nunnery. I know you were bred a Roman Catholic: I am sure therefore
I shall do no violence to your religious scruples, if you have any.
I can get you admitted with ease: the religious here will think it a
meritorious act in me, especially on the terms I shall propose; for
I will make it worth their while to receive and treat you as a lady
of the first family in France: but remember there is a final period
to all intercourse with this world. If you think you can bring
yourself to submit to such a life, I would really recommend it to
you; for I am sollicitous for your happiness both here and
hereafter: if not, you have the other choice to make; and so, Madam,
a husband or a convent; take which you like best: I give you three
days to consider of it.
I kept up a severe countenance, and a resolute tone. I rang the bell
as soon as I had done speaking. Rachael came in before Mrs Gerrarde
could answer me. Take care of your mistress, said I, and left the
room, without even the ceremony of a bow, or deigning to look at
her. I locked the chamber door, which I took care to clap after me;
and, putting the key in my pocket, left the lady and her maid to
consult at their leisure.
You know, Bidulph, I am not naturally morose; and that I am not very
apt to be wanting in that complaisance which all women expect, and
which I really think due to _almost_ all women: but this one had, in
the preceding scene, so intirely thrown off her sex, that I could
hardly consider her as a female. I had known many of her ill
qualities before; but those she now discovered, if they did not
shew her more wicked, certainly rendered her more disgustful to me
than the others. In short, I found that all decorum was to be laid
aside: I had gone too far not to put the finishing hand to my work;
and I had no other measures to observe, but to finish, by dint of
force, what I had begun by stratagem. When I mentioned the nunnery
to you in a former letter, it was in mere gaiety of heart: I had no
serious thoughts of that kind, nor did I now propose it as a
practicable scheme. I knew the woman too well to suppose she would
acquiesce; though, to confess the truth to you honestly, I think, if
she refuses my other plan of accommodation, I must compel her to
accept of this: nor ought it to be considered in any other light
than that of confining a wild beast, who, having already done a
great deal of mischief, would still do more, if left at liberty: but
I think I shall not be driven to this. I believe she will accept of
a husband with a good settlement, sooner than resign her liberty.
And now who do you think the husband is whom I have under
contemplation for her? Why, no less a man than my valet de chambre
Monsieur Pivet. He is young and handsome, of good parts, and a man
of birth. He tells me he has an uncle that is a marquis, and three
or four cousins that are in the high court of parliament. Without a
joke, the fellow is of a pretty good family: he was bred a mercer,
and in a frolic had run away from his business, when I picked him up
at Paris, at the time you and I were there together. He then told
me, that he only hired with me for an opportunity of seeing a little
of the world, and that he would one time or other sit down and
settle to his trade. I have sounded him on the point, and find him
very ready to accept of the lady with all her faults.
I told you I introduced him to Mrs Gerrarde, to serve as her
interpreter in the house, at the time I was ill. I did not then tell
her who he was; and both she and her maid take him for no other than
an acquaintance of mine, who happens to lodge in the same house with
us. The vain rogue has encouraged this opinion, and I suppose passes
for a very pretty fellow with them; for you know Pivet is a Beau,
and is really not ungenteel. But do not fancy that I intend to
impose him on the lady for any other than what he really is. All
disguise is now laid aside, and I shall proceed with the utmost
plainness and sincerity, as soon as I know the lady's mind in regard
to her choice.
Here, my dear Sir George, I must take breath a little: it has been a
busy day. I undertook a difficult voyage without the certainty of a
landing-place; a few storms I expected to encounter; I hope I have
weathered the worst, and have come at length to some prospect of an
harbour. I expect my next greeting to you will be from a fairer
shore.--Upon second thoughts, I will not send this off, till I can
put both you and myself out of the reach of suspence....
Congratulate me, Sir George, honour me, as the first of politicians,
the greatest of negotiators! Let no hero of romance compare himself
to me, for first making difficulties, and then extricating myself
out of them; let no giant pretend to equal me in the management of
captive beauties in inchanted castles; let no necromancer presume to
vie with me in skill for metamorphosing tigresses into doves, and
changing imperious princesses into plain country nymphs. _All_ this
I have brought to pass, without the assistance of enchanted sword or
dwarf, in the compass of a few days; but take the circumstances in
the order they occurred.
I left the lady, as I told you, to utter her complaints to her
confidante. Rachael, a simple girl, who had just sense enough to
regard her own interest, was not likely to give her mistress much
consolation; for she was at least as much _my_ friend as her's. How
_they_ passed the night I know not; for my own part, I slept in
perfect tranquillity. I desired Pivet in the morning to go and
inquire, as from himself, how the lady rested. Mrs Gerrarde, who was
still in bed, no sooner heard his voice in the outer room, as he was
speaking to her maid, than she called out to Monsieur Pivet, and
desired he would be so good as to step into her chamber. Pivet, not
much abashed at being admitted to a lady's _ruèlle_, obeyed her
summons, and placed himself in an armed chair by her. He said he
hoped it was not owing to illness that he saw her in bed. Yes, Sir,
said she, I am exceedingly ill: I have not slept the whole night,
and am now in a high fever. Has Mr Faulkland told you any thing in
relation to me? I had prepared Pivet, and he had his answers ready.
Madam, said he, I am not a stranger to your situation, and am
exceedingly sorry for it: I wish the little influence _I_ have over
Mr Faulkland could be employed for your service; but he is a
positive man, very enterprising, and not to be controlled by
any-body. Do you know my story, Sir, cried Mrs Gerrarde? He bowed,
and looked down. Mrs Gerrarde understanding this as an affirmative,
and raising herself up a little, cried out, A base, ungenerous man!
Does he intend to expose me wherever he goes? By no means, Madam,
answered Pivet: there is nothing in your story that would do you the
least injury in any-body's opinion here: the ladies in France do
not think it any disgrace to have lovers.
You are very obliging, Sir, she replied; and perhaps I have as much
to say in my vindication as any woman: but sure never was mortal
used in the barbarous manner I am. Do you know the proposal he had
the insolence to make me last night? Either to take a husband of
_his_ chusing (_any_ low fellow, I suppose, he thinks good enough
for me), or immediately to go into a nunnery. Oh! Sir, and she
catched hold of his hand, as you are a gentleman, if you have
compassion, any humanity towards an unfortunate woman, try to
deliver me out of his hands. I have a pretty good sum of money in my
possession; contrive the means of my escape; my gratitude to you
shall be unbounded! and she wrung his hand.
Ah! Madam, said Pivet, looking tenderly at her, I would it were in
my power; I should think myself but too happy if it were possible
for me to accomplish what you request; but I fear it will be
impracticable: I declare to you, if I were at my own disposal, I
would fly with you to the remotest part of the world; but I am a
young man, who have my fortune to make: I am under particular ties
here, and have besides such obligations to Mr Faulkland, as makes it
impossible for me, consistently with _honour_, to interfere in this
business.
Sir, said she eagerly, can't you write a letter for me, or furnish
me with the means of informing my friends in England of my
situation?
Madam, said he, before Mr Faulkland permitted me the honour of
seeing you, he engaged my solemn promise that I would not
intermeddle in your affairs.
Lord, what will become of me! What would you, Sir, advise me to do?
For as for that wretch (meaning me), I am determined, if I can help
it, not to suffer him to come near me.
'Tis a very nice point, Madam: I really do not well know how to
advise: but, to be sure, a nunnery is a choice not to be recommended
to a lady of your youth and beauty, unless your inclinations lead
you that way; then indeed--
She interrupted him. Don't name it to me, Sir; don't name it: I am
determined to keep out of _that_ snare, if it be for nothing but an
opportunity to be revenged on that tyrant: I would marry a beggar
sooner than give up that hope.
As for that, Madam, said Pivet, I suppose Mr Faulkland would not be
so ungenerous as to compel you to marry one beneath you: there are
many young men of good families who would think themselves honoured
by your acceptance of them: your personal accomplishments alone are
a sufficient recommendation; but Mr Faulkland mentioned to me the
additional advantage of fortune. I dare answer for him he will not
think of bestowing you unworthily.
I had charged Pivet not to go too far: he thought it time to break
off the conversation; and, rising up, he told Mrs Gerrarde he was
going into my apartment, and desired to know if she would honour him
with any commands.
Sir, said she, I shall only beg you will tell Mr Faulkland, that I
never _can_ think of his proposal; that I am very ill, and beg to be
left in quiet for a few days; but shall be very glad to see _you_
whenever you are at leisure.
He bowed, and left her; then came directly to me, and repeated the
conversation he had with her word for word. I am glad, said I, to
find you are so much in her good graces: it will accelerate my plot;
but we must not make you too cheap: if we manage discreetly, she may
possibly think herself very well to get off with you.
At present I stand pretty well with her, Sir, said Pivet: she does
not suspect that I am your servant: I fear if she did, as the lady
seems to have a high spirit, she would forbid me her presence.
I found Pivet had no mind to have this part of his situation
explained: his vanity had been highly tickled at passing upon her
for a gentleman, and _my_ friend.--He had, in obedience to my
orders, spent much of his time with her during the few days that I
had been too ill to see her. I had, at my first introduction of him
to her, cautioned him against letting her know in what capacity he
was with me: I did not then give him my reasons for this, and he
supposed they were no other, than that, finding it necessary to have
him pretty much with her in her confinement, I did not chuse to
alarm her pride by the knowlege of his station. I did not hint at my
design till the day before I had prevailed on her to write the
letter to Mr Arnold. Pivet did not at all disrelish the proposal: he
had not been blind to Mrs Gerrarde's charms: he only seemed
surprized at my being willing to part with her so soon; for he had
not the least conception of my reasons for carrying her off, and
very naturally concluded I was deeply engaged in an amour. It was
not difficult to guess his thoughts on this occasion.
Pivet, said I, I must premise one thing to you: I assure you there
is not, nor ever was, any intrigue between Mrs Gerrarde and me. I do
not, however, pretend to vouch for her chastity. It was no secret at
V---- hall that she had occasioned an unhappy breach in Mr Arnold's
family; and that, and that _only_ (as I have a most particular value
and affection for that family), was my motive to the carrying this
lady away. As I hope the disunion (now the cause of it is removed)
will no longer subsist, I find it necessary to provide for Mrs
Gerrarde some way or other. A good husband I would wish to bestow on
her. I do not yet know whether I shall be able to bring her into any
measures; but if she should be prevailed on to accept of you, and I
should make it worth your while to accept of her, can you overlook
the levity she has been guilty of, and resolve to use her kindly?
He promised he would make the best husband in the universe. I bid
him not be too sure of success, as I did not yet know Mrs Gerrarde's
mind, and feared I should find it hard to bring her into terms;
adding, that though I intended to threaten her, I should be very
unwilling to make use of compulsion; but if she should happen to
like him, without suspecting my design, I might accomplish my
purpose with less reluctance on her side, and much more satisfaction
to myself.
The conversation he had just had with her elated him highly: she had
made him her confidant; she had implored his assistance; she had
promised an _unbounded_ gratitude; she had prohibited _my_ visits,
and invited _his_. All this facilitated my work, and I at one time
thought of letting her e'en work out her fate, and run blindfold
into my trap; for it is plain, if Pivet had given in to it, she
would have marched off with him, and even married him, to get out of
my clutches; and then, you know, she could have blamed nobody but
herself for the consequences. But I resolved not to impose on the
gypsey any farther; but let her know what she was to expect before
the bargain was concluded, and at least give her her option of
having the power of continuing a jilt, or being canonized for a
saint.
I found things were now likely to take such a turn as I wished; but
it still required management. Pivet, said I, you must let her see
you no more to-day; it will make her prize your company the more:
keep out of the way, that you may not be seen by Rachael; and give
such orders in the house, as that there may be proper attendance for
the lady. One of my footmen spoke a little French, and he had been
directed to receive and communicate Mrs Rachael's orders in the
family.
Tho' Pivet assured me that he thought Mrs Gerrarde was not so ill as
she said she was, I yet thought it incumbent on me to have the
advice of a physician. The people with whom I lodged said I could
not have a better than the doctor who had attended me, as he was
reckoned very skilful. I told them, in the present case, I believed
honesty was more requisite than skill. They said he was very honest
too; so I desired he might be sent for.
Mrs Gerrarde, being determined to carry on the farce of sickness,
pretended she was not able to rise; and the doctor was introduced to
her bedside. As he could neither understand his patient, nor make
himself understood by her, I had ordered the footman, whom I
mentioned to you before, as knowing a little French, to wait at the
chamber door; for I was resolved so far to keep up my resentment and
my importance, as not to vouch-safe assisting at the conference;
which, by this means, became the most ridiculous scene you can
imagine. The doctor, having felt Mrs Gerrarde's pulse, proposed his
questions by the footman, who just peeped his nose in at the door.
He explained them (very ill I suppose) to Rachael in English, who
re-repeated them to her lady within her curtains; for she would not
suffer them to be drawn back. Mrs Gerrarde's answers travelled the
same round-about way back to the doctor, who got them mangled in
very bad French from his interpreter.
Mrs Gerrarde, provoked, I believe, at the doctor's visit, and very
much tired of his questions, asked peevishly where Monsieur Pivet
was? This inquiry I expected; and the fellow who told me of it, had
been ordered to inform her that Monsieur Pivet was not at home.
The doctor, after leaving his patient, came to me, and confirmed the
character I had received of him, both for skill in his profession,
and integrity in his practice; for he told me very honestly, that he
thought the lady was in perfect health. I thought the doctor
deserved a double fee, and accordingly gave it to him; requesting
him, however, to continue his visits: for I told him, that, though
the lady might really be very well, she was, however, a little
vapourish.
I left her to her reflections the whole day. Rachael inquired three
or four times of the footman if Mr Pivet was come in, but was always
answered in the negative. I was pleased at her sollicitude about
him.
I desired him to wait on her the next day, at the time the doctor
paid his visit; and instructed Pivet to ask the doctor, in her
presence, what he thought of her case, and to report his answer
fairly to her; for I was resolved not to let her imagine that she
imposed on me.
The doctor, by Pivet's means, discoursed with her more readily than
he had done the day before. Pivet asked his opinion of her disorder,
and the physician declared it as freely as he had done to me;
adding, he should not have repeated his visit, if I had not insisted
on it.
Pivet could not help smiling. Mrs Gerrarde observed it; for, I
suppose, she watched his countenance, and asked him what the doctor
had said. He says, Madam, what gives me a vast deal of pleasure;
which is, that your disorder is intirely imaginary. He is an
ignorant fellow, said Mrs Gerrarde; and you may tell him I desire to
see him no more. The poor doctor, who knew not what she said, made
her half a dozen scrapes, and withdrew.
She then threw back her curtain; and re-assuming the subject she had
been upon the day before with Pivet, asked him if he had had any
conversation with me about her? and what resolution I had come to?
Pivet (who had begged I would leave this conference intirely to his
management) seemed to hesitate a little, and appeared melancholy. We
have had some talk about you, Madam, said he; and Mr Faulkland tells
me, if you reject the nunnery scheme (which I think _he_ seems to be
fondest of), that he has a person in his thoughts, who, he believes,
will be a suitable match for you, if you are willing to accept of
him; if not--here he stop'd. What if I should not, Sir? Pray speak.
I hope, Madam, he will not carry matters to an extremity. Extremity,
Sir! Do you think he can be brutal enough to force me into a
nunnery? Are there no laws in France? I _hope_ he will not, Madam;
but I can't pretend to answer for him: he is a strange man: he seems
out of temper too: the doctor told him nothing ailed you; he
believes him, and spoke harshly on the occasion. And what, said she,
is the match that he calls _suitable_? One of his footmen perhaps,
or his barber?
Pivet affected to look concerned. He tells me, Madam, he has cast
his eyes on a young man, well born, and genteelly educated; not
contemptible in his personal accomplishments, and one who he is sure
will make you a fond and obliging husband.
Pivet sighed deeply, and cast his eyes languishingly on her. You
seem concerned, Sir, said she. Do you know the person? It is my
doubts on that occasion, Madam, that is the cause of my uneasiness.
Pray explain yourself, Mr Pivet. Madam, I dare not, he replied, with
great solemnity. I will only assure you, that whoever the person be,
whom Mr Faulkland has not yet named to me, I think him the happiest
man in the world. What can be his meaning, asked Mrs Gerrarde, for
telling you _so_ much, and yet concealing the person's name? He
says, he has not proposed it yet to the gentleman, Madam; and as,
he tells me, he can't in honour conceal any part of your story, he
is fearful--I beg your pardon, Madam; you will excuse me if I do not
repeat his scruples on this occasion. I understand you, Sir. He
supposes his friend will reject me. Some such insinuation he threw
out, Madam, said Pivet. I told him, that he need only permit the
gentleman to _see_ you; and if he then made any objection, he must
be the blindest and most insensible man alive. He spoke this with a
warmth that seemed highly pleasing to the lady. She bowed, and
answered, _All_ men, Sir, are not as generous as you. But what did
Mr Faulkland say to this? He only smiled, and said he wished his
friend might think as I did; that he would tell me his name another
time; and that, in the mean time, it would oblige him if my visits
to you were less frequent. Inhuman monster, said she; would he debar
me of the only satisfaction I have? Let me but live to get out of
his hands! if I can escape him by any means, I will find ways to
reckon with him for this. Be so good, Mr Pivet to tell him, that I
am content to take the person he offers, let him be who he will: I
shall expect nothing from him but insults; therefore shall not be
surprized if I see myself sacrificed to some despicable wretch: but
any, _any_ thing is better than to be in the power of such a tyrant!
Madam, answered Pivet, you need not fear the being compelled to
accept of an unworthy object: Mr Faulkland declares, that if you
should absolutely dislike the gentleman, when you see him, he will
be far from constraining you to take him for your husband. The other
choice is still open to you, and, by what I can judge, Mr Faulkland
seems to wish you would give that the preference. I would die first,
cried Mrs Gerrarde--The fool, does he think I can be so entrapped?
No, no; the authority of a husband, even of Faulkland's chusing,
cannot be such a bar to my revenge as the walls of a nunnery would
be.--Sir, I think myself obliged to you, and flatter myself you
would have served me if you could. I may yet have it in my power to
make you a return for your kind intentions towards me. I presume,
when Mr Faulkland has disposed of his property, you will then be
absolved of your promise to him in regard to me, and will still have
charity enough to befriend an unfortunate woman. She wept, and Pivet
owned he was ready to do so too; but constraining himself, protested
she should command his life; and withdrew full of seeming
uneasiness.
He told me what had passed between him and the lady, and I could not
help approving his management of the scene, though the rogue had
stretched beyond the truth; but stratagems, you know, are allowable
in love, and a lover he was now become in good earnest.
He had taken care to alarm Mrs Gerrarde's apprehensions at every
passage of access. He had informed her, that I had a husband for her
in my thoughts; and at the same time, that he avoided the most
distant hint of its being himself, he engaged her favour by seeming
to wish it _were_. Then he took care to insinuate, at least, a
possibility of her being refused by the person designed for her, and
this he very naturally supposed would raise his own consequence with
her, in case any suspicion should fall on him, of his being the
intended husband. He pretended I had taken umbrage at his visiting
her, still more to inflame her resentment against me, and increase
her impatience to deliver herself out of my hands; at the same time
he artfully hinted that he was not the man destined to be happy.
This, as he saw already he was not unacceptable to her, he thought
would make him doubly welcome, when she should find herself no worse
off. Then the nunnery was mentioned, in terrorem, with broad hints
of my resolution. In short, Pivet played his part so cunningly, that
it had all the effect he could have wished; and Mrs Gerrarde,
finding her spirit matched, was obliged to surrender at discretion.
I own I did not expect to have succeeded so soon; and without Pivet,
who had now a feeling in the affair, I certainly should not. I
resolved directly to make the best use of the advantage I had
gained. I told Pivet that he should be married the next day. He was
so transported at the thought, that he begged I would give him leave
to go to Mrs Gerrarde, to declare his love and his good fortune
together; for Sir, said he, you know she promises to accept of
whomsoever you propose, and I hope she will not dispise your choice
so much as she thinks she shall. Softly, softly, good Monsieur
Pivet, your violent hurry will spoil all. I do not mean that you
shall see her till to-morrow. Not till to-morrow! Ah Sir! do, I
beseech you, Sir, allow me; she will think it very cruel. (Poor
Pivet, thought I, thou wilt have enough of her). Simpleton (to him),
this day's suspence will forward your business more than all you
could say to her in seven hours: is it not enough you are sure of
her? We have other things now to mind. What plan of life do you
purpose to pursue? You know I have promised to do handsomely for
you.
Sir, said he, I always intended to follow the business I was bred
to; and if this piece of extraordinary good fortune had _not_
happened to me, I did purpose, tho' you have been the best of
masters to me, to have asked your permission to return to my
friends, in order to settle in my trade, as I have some capital of
my own. But to be sure, Sir, I shall be directed in this, as in
every thing else, by your will and pleasure. I approve of your
design intirely, said I; but there are certain conditions that must
be previously settled between you and me. In the first place, tell
me honestly, what is the capital you say you are worth.
He answered, his father had left him about eight thousand livres,
which were in the hands of a banker in Paris, whom he named to me,
and referred me to him for confirmation of the truth of what he told
me.
Well, said I, this will go a good way towards setting you up in your
own business. Where do you think of settling?
He answered, Paris was the best place for his trade.
On that I put an absolute negative; I said Paris was too much
frequented by my countrymen, to be a proper place for Mrs Gerrarde
to make her appearance in, as she was likely to meet there with more
of her acquaintance than might be convenient: I told him I had no
objection to any other large provincial town.
He said he was born at Dijon, and should like to go thither, as he
had many friends there.
Be it so, said I: What I purpose doing for you is this. Mrs Gerrarde
has eight hundred pounds of her own; I will add as much more to it,
for which I will give you my bond, till I can have the money
remitted from England; and this you shall settle on her, that she
may be sure of a support in case of your death, and the interest you
shall allow her for her own separate use, but without her knowing
that you are tied down to it, that you may have it in your power to
oblige her.
He made no reply, but acquiesced with a low bow.
I laughed at the simplicity of his countenance. Pivet, said I,
though I have taken care of Mrs Gerrarde's interest, I do not intend
to neglect yours, provided you make no demur to the terms. You
already know my reasons for proceeding as I have done in this
affair. I have great cause to apprehend Mrs Gerrarde's vindictive
spirit, if she should find means, which I know she will endeavour
at, to lay open the real state of this transaction to some people in
England. This might frustrate all that I have been at so much pains
to accomplish; be it your care then to prevent it. I cannot wish you
to use harsh measures with your wife; but if you have address enough
to prevent a correspondence with any one in England, (an elopement,
for both your sakes, I am not willing to suppose; though I think,
for some time at least, you must keep a strict eye over her) if, as
I said, you can prevent a correspondence, I think it will answer my
purpose; and that I may make it your interest to do this, I will
bind myself, by as strong an obligation as the law can make, to pay
you two hundred pounds a year English, so long as you keep your wife
within the bounds prescribed; provided, if, after three years, I
find those terms no longer necessary, they shall, if I then chuse
it, become void. I shall also add something to enable you to fit up
a house and a shop, that you need not be under a necessity of
breaking in upon your capital.
Pivet's gratitude overflowed at his lips for this (as he called it)
noble provision. He said, he made no doubt of gaining so far upon
Mrs Gerrarde's affections, as to be able effectually to fulfil his
covenant, without using violent methods; but, said he, at all
events, I warrant you shall hear no more of her.
Preliminaries thus adjusted, I sent for a notary of reputation, to
whom I gave instructions to draw up two separate articles for the
purposes mentioned; the latter was to be a secret between Pivet and
me, as it was by no means proper for Mrs Gerrarde to be let into it.
The other, which regarded her own particular settlement, was
intended for her perusal and approbation. I charged the notary to
use dispatch, and he promised to have both the papers ready by next
morning, as also the bond which I was to give Pivet for the payment
of eight hundred pounds.
The lawyer brought the papers according to his promise, and they
were signed, sealed, and delivered in due form. That which was to be
the private agreement between Pivet and me, was worded in
consequence of an article which I drew up myself, and made Pivet
sign; wherein I set forth particulars at large.
Pivet was very impatient to see his beloved, but a little uneasy
lest she should be disgusted with him, when she should come to know
the situation he had been in. I bid him not be discouraged, telling
him I should set off that circumstance of his having been my
gentleman (for so I chose to call him) in the most favourable light.
I presented him with a very elegant suit of cloaths, which I had
never worn, and which fitted him very well, as you know he is nearly
my size. You cannot imagine how handsome the fellow looked when he
was dressed, for he had linnen and every thing else suitable to his
cloaths.
I then desired him to wait on his goddess; but he, who had been so
eager a little before, was now quite abashed at the thoughts of
making his pretensions known to the lady, and intreated me to
present him to her. I saw he was quite disconcerted at the serious
scene he was going to engage in.
I pitied him, and told him I would go with him to Mrs Gerrarde; but
that it was proper first to prepare her a little.
He said he thought so too.
I immediately sent for Rachael, and speaking to her at the door,
without letting her see Pivet, I bid her tell her mistress that I
purposed making her a visit in half an hour, and should introduce
the gentleman, whom I expected she would, according to her promise,
receive at my hands for her husband; reserving to herself still the
liberty of chusing the other alternative, in case she disliked him.
Pivet shewed the sollicitude of a lover, after this message was sent
to his mistress; Poor dear lady, said he, how I pity her? What must
she suffer in this interval? But your presence, Monsieur Pivet, said
I, will dispel all her fears, and make her the happiest of women.
The poor fellow was out of countenance, and I dare say as anxious as
Mrs Gerrarde.
As I received no answer from her to my message, I construed her
silence as leave to attend her; and accordingly, at the appointed
time, I entered her apartment, leading Pivet by the hand.
She was sitting at a table, leaning her head on one of her hands;
she cast a look of scorn at me, and immediately withdrew her eyes,
not so much as deigning to glance them at Pivet, little imagining
that it was _he_ who accompanied me, though she knew it was her
intended bridegroom.
Pivet was not able to speak; he trembled, and, like a true
inamorato, ran to her, clapt one knee to the ground, and ventured,
though with great diffidence, to take one of her hands.
This action obliged the haughty fair one to vouchsafe him a glance
at her eye.
Her surprize, spite of her assumed airs of grandeur, was not to be
concealed; it was apparent, she coloured, and though she intended to
have been solemn and lofty, she even _stared_; and I could discover
a little gleam of pleasure dance over her countenance.
What! Monsieur Pivet? And then she looked at me, as if for an
explanation.
Yes, madam, said I, Monsieur Pivet _is_ the man. (I was going to say
the _happy_ man, but I did not mean to compliment her; my business
was to make her think I was doing her a favour). It has been your
good fortune to make a conquest of him; and in the hope of your
making him a good wife, as I am sure he will make you a good
husband, I have consented to the match; and I spoke this in the tone
of one, who thinking he has conferred a great obligation on an
undeserving object, expects to be thanked for it.
The woman, with all her art and assurance to boot, was quite
confounded. I did not give her time to recover herself, but taking
the settlement out of my pocket, and reading it to her, Look there,
madam, and see if I have injured you in the disposal of your person
and your fortune.
Mrs Gerrarde, always alert when her interest was in the question,
took the paper, and notwithstanding her confusion, read it entirely
over. Pivet's handsome appearance, joined to her former
prepossessions, had made so good an impression on her, that she
began to think the matter worth attending to. When she had read the
paper, she put it into Pivet's hands. Sir, said she, it should
appear by this that you have acted generously; but as I have already
been imposed upon by that gentleman (looking at me) all this may,
for ought I know, be a deceit; but as it is not in my power to make
terms for myself, it is to no purpose for me to make objections, or
to enquire any farther. I am ready to accept your offer, only I
should be glad to know who the man is, that I am to make my husband.
She spoke this with such an air of disdain, that the poor lover,
shrunk up and diminished in his own eyes, left me to make an answer.
Mrs Gerrarde, said I, I declare to you solemnly that there is no
deception in any thing which you see, nor any foul play meant to
you. This young man, whom I now present to you for your husband, is
well born, and has many genteel relations in this country; he has it
in his power, to my certain knowlege, to make good the settlement he
proposes for you, which I will take care to see properly secured.
That part of it which is your own property, you have now in your
possession, the other half I know is his. He was brought up to a
creditable business, which he intends to follow. I know him to be
good natured, and of an obliging temper. He lived with me some time,
and accompanied me in my travels. I suppose his having been my
gentleman, which station he did not accept through necessity, will
not be a material objection (and I smiled and affected to look very
proud), and I only mention it to convince you that I have no design
of deceiving you, or concealing any part of his character.
Pivet coloured (for I stole a side glance at him) and looked
sheepish. He began an aukward compliment with a bow, and 'I hope,
madam'--but I relieved him; and speaking to Mrs Gerrarde, You know
all now, madam, that can be known; therefore, if you are disposed to
keep your word, let us put an end to this business to-day. To-day,
Sir! Yes, to-day, madam. What occasion is there for farther delay?
Pivet now plucked up his courage, and begged, since she had
consented, that she would not defer his happiness. I told her,
between mirth and chiding, that I was in haste to get rid of my
charge, and was therefore determined to make her over to Mr Pivet
that evening; and telling her I would give orders about the
ceremony, left the lovers to make out for themselves a scheme of
conjugal felicity. Pivet pleaded his own cause so effectually, that,
in the evening, I had the satisfaction of bestowing, with my own
hand, that inestimable treasure of virtue and meekness, Mrs
Gerrarde, on my faithful Squire, Monsieur Pivet; to the no small joy
of the latter, and I believe, if the truth were known, to the no
great mortification of the former. Mrs Rachael and myself were the
only witnesses of this illustrious union.
When the ceremony was over, I approached, according to custom, to
congratulate and salute the bride; but she turned her saucy cheek to
me, and affected the whole night vast dignity of behaviour; yet it
was so foreign to her nature, that it appeared ridiculous; however
it was better than ranting.
I invited them both to sup with me, and treated Pivet with a
familiar civility that seemed to please him highly, as it did him
credit in the presence of his lady.
After supper, Pivet entreated me to complete the friendly and
generous offices I had already done him, by undertaking the
settlement of all money matters for him. As he knew I intended to go
to Paris, he begged I would receive for him the sum he had in the
hands of the banker, which, he said, if I would remit to him, it
would enable him to enter upon his business immediately. At the same
time he (with no ill grace) presented me my bond again, assuring me
he relied entirely upon my honour for the execution of my promise to
him, farther requesting that I would put that, together with Mrs
Gerrarde's money, if she approved of it, into such hands as I should
judge most proper for her advantage.
I was pleased at the openness of his proceedings, and promised to do
every thing for their mutual satisfaction; but insisted on his
keeping the bond, or lodging it in some proper hand, till I could
redeem it, by paying the money, which I should take care should be
speedily done. I told him, I thought the sooner he set out for his
own province the better. He said, he should be ready the next day,
if Mrs Gerrarde (for he did not yet presume to call her by his name)
did not object to it. He appealed to her with his looks.
She had scarce condescended to open her lips before; but now
answered, You may be sure, Sir, I shall not think it too soon to get
out of a prison.
He asked her if she chose to take her maid Rachael along with her?
Certainly, she said; I should not be fond of having a servant about
me, by whom I should not be understood.
Rachael was now called in, and the thing proposed to her. She seemed
rather inclined to return to England; but I told her, she could not,
in gratitude, desert her lady in a strange country; and that if she
had a mind to make me her friend, which she should find me upon any
future occasion, she would attend her home, and continue with her
till her mistress was willing to part with her.
The girl upon this consented to stay, and received Mrs Gerrarde's
orders to prepare for their departure the next day.
In the morning I made Pivet a present for his travelling charges,
and Rachael another; telling her, according to the account I had of
her behaviour, that I would be kind to her. She made me all the
promises that I could desire; assuring me, that it was purely to
oblige me that she staid with Mrs Gerrarde.
Pivet told me, that he would send the sum which his wife had, in
bills to me, to be appropriated in the manner agreed on: for he
said, that having that morning mentioned to her my generosity, in
relation to the bond, she had owned, that, notwithstanding her
resentment to me, she had no distrust of my honour in _those_
particulars.
I took this opportunity of telling Pivet, that when he could get his
wife in the humour, he might prevail on her to give an instrument,
impowering my steward to receive the little income of her jointure
at Ashby, which I would take care should be remitted to him; for,
trifling as it was, it might be serviceable.
When they were ready to set forward on' their journey, I begged
leave to speak a few words to madam Pivet by herself. She seemed not
inclined to the conference, but her husband very obligingly pressing
her not to part with me in enmity, and at the same time quitting the
room, she was obliged to hear me.
I then very frankly asked her pardon for the lengths I had gone;
telling her, that I hoped time, and her own good sense, would
convince her that she was more obliged to me, than her passion would
then give her leave to see. Remember, madam, I have kept my word
with you. You are now married to a very deserving young man; you
have a competent support during your life. Happiness is in your
power if you do not wilfully cast it away from you. Shew now that
greatness of mind of which you have so often boasted, by forgiving
the man, who has, as you think, injured you; and resolving at once
on a behaviour that shall, in your turn, intitle you, not only to
the forgiveness, but even to the esteem, of those whom you have
injured.
I would have preached on, and given her more good advice, but she
cut me short, with this decisive answer. Sir, I neither desire your
counsel nor your good opinion; Mr Pivet _may_ deserve some regard
from me, but _you_ I will never forgive, and she flung from me.
I called in Pivet, and telling him I was infinitely pleased at the
good disposition I found his lady in, I wished him all happiness and
a safe journey, and they set out directly for Dijon.
And now, my dear Bidulph, stop, to praise, to admire, to wonder at
my virtue! I, who have had one of the finest women in England in my
possession, for so many days (and by the way was not her aversion)
to yield up her (by me) unpolluted charms to the arms of another!
Add to this, that it has cost me more to make one woman honest, than
it need have done to have made half a dozen--otherwise. I had like
to have writ a strange ugly word, that was just at the nib of my
pen.
If you relate my story with the laudable partiality of a friend,
judiciously abolishing the context (for which you may have many
precedents), and neatly splicing together the useful fragments,
shall I not appear to posterity as great as Scipio himself? Ah! Sir
George, if we knew the secret springs of many of those actions which
dazzle us, in the histories of the renowned heroes of old, it is not
impossible but the wonderous page might dwindle into as
insignificant a tale as mine is.
Well, I thank my good genius that has led me safely through such a
labyrinth as I had got into. In getting rid of that woman (and not
disgracefully neither), I feel as if I had shaken off a great load.
But what a graceless baggage it is, not to thank me for my kindness.
I, who have been more than a father to her, in saving her first from
perdition, and then settling her well in the world--but there is no
obliging some tempers.
I shall leave this place to-morrow, for I must hasten to Paris, to
put every thing on a good footing for the new-married pair; and then
I will go and ramble I do not care whither, for another year. I
shall lodge at Paris, where I did before, and desire you will write
to me directly an account of all that passes within the circle of
your family. Let your sister and my lady Bidulph know in what manner
I have disposed of Mrs Gerrarde, but be sure you do it discreetly,
and take care not to mention that paultry circumstance of her
settlement, or any other private agreement with Pivet. I know Mrs
Arnold's delicacy would be hurt by the knowlege of this; therefore
beware of dropping the least hint of it, at your peril. Tell Lady
Bidulph I will pray devoutly for her daughter's happiness; if what I
have done will promote it, it will not a little contribute to my
own; tho' I begin to feel it is not to be expected in this life, at
least by such a hopeless wanderer as I am.
I could sit now, and indite melancholy verses, or write an elegy, or
make my will, or do any other splenetic thing: in short, I have a
good mind to turn monk and go into a monastery. I am sure I should
have lady Bidulph's vote for that.
Adieu, my dear Bidulph, you will not hear from me again, perhaps,
till I am in another region.
_Nov. 30._
_December 17_
What a strange man this is, my Cecilia! The more I reflect on his
conduct, the more I am amazed! What a mixture is there in his nature!
Wild to a romantic degree in his conceptions, yet how steady, how
resolute, how consistent, in putting those flights of fancy into act!
Generous he certainly is; how few men would put themselves to the
trouble and expence that he has done, from such a disinterested, such a
compassionate motive! Nay, on the contrary, I believe most men would be
cruel enough to take a sort of pleasure in the vexation of a man, who
had succeeded to the love of a mistress, once so much valued; and would
enjoy a mean triumph in being, though without reason, the object of
_his_ jealousy, who had cut them off from all hope.
Mr Faulkland is above this. I think myself highly indebted to him,
whether the scheme he has in so extraordinary a manner undertaken for my
service succeeds or not. Yet do I wish from my heart, that the
separation between Mr Arnold and Mrs Gerrarde had been brought about by
any other means. What if Mr Arnold should ever come at the truth
(though I think that hardly possible), might it not leave him more
estranged from me than he is even now? or if he should, in consequence
of this odd adventure, return to his poor banished wife, repent of his
injurious suspicions of her, and restore her to his confidence and love,
can he, can he ever restore to her that peace she has so long been a
stranger to? Will no latent sparks of former unkindness ever rekindle
and light up the fire of discord? How unwillingly do we repair the
unprovoked injuries which we find we have done to others! Poor Mr
Arnold; if I am so happy as to have my innocence cleared to him, how
miserable will his own reflections make him! but if he _is_ convinced
(which has been my daily and hourly prayers), he _shall_ not be unhappy,
if I can make him otherwise. Oh! my dear, it is the wish, the ardent
longing of my soul, to recover the esteem, though I lose the love, of Mr
Arnold! for I call that Being to witness, who knows the secrets of all
hearts, that since I have been his wife, I have never, even in thought,
swerved from that perfect and inviolable fidelity which I vowed to him.
What then must have been my sufferings, deprived of his love, cast out
from his house, and branded with the dreadful name of an Adultress? For
where is the difference between the intention and the act? To me there
is no distinction, and the husband must be gross that makes one.
My mother has suffered me to tell her the substance of Mr Faulkland's
letters, though she would not read them. I own I was better satisfied
that she should receive her information thus, because his light manner
of expressing himself in many places would have given her great offence.
Sir George did not consider this when he submitted the letters to my
mother's as well as my perusal. Many grave animadversions did she make
during my recital, and many times lift up her eyes in wonder at Mrs
Gerrarde's behaviour. She often said Mr Faulkland was frantic to
undertake such a thing, and wished he had not taken such a _terrible_
woman in hand. When I came to that part of the account where Mrs
Gerrarde had been prevailed on to write to Mr Arnold, I begged she would
give me leave to read the copy of the letter to her, as I assured her
there was nothing in it but would give her pleasure.
She consented; and I read it, leaving out Mr Faulkland's apostrophes. My
mother did not interrupt me; and finding she continued silent when I
came to the conclusion, I looked at her, and saw tears running down her
cheeks. Yes, my dear, my innocent child, said she, passionately throwing
her arms round me, you _were_ wronged; God knows you were wronged; and
He now proclaims your innocence even from the mouth of your most
inveterate enemy. And lifting up her eyes, Thou hast turned the hearts
of sinners to the wisdom of the just; therefore shall the righteous give
Thee thanks. And then, God forgive that woman all her sins for this one
act, and God forgive Mr Faulkland _his_ sins, and reward him for this
goodness. Sure your husband will relent now; sure he will long to take
my poor, forsaken, virtuous child (and her tears gushed as she spoke),
to his bosom again.
I could not answer her for some time; my own tears almost choaked me: at
last I said, My dear mother, I have no doubt of Mr Arnold's returning
kindness: he will, I hope, be convinced that I am guiltless, and we may
yet be happy.
She dried her eyes: God send, God send you may! But what has Mr
Faulkland done with his poor penitent? I hope he will behave honourably
to her; for this excellent parent had no doubt but that the letter,
written by Mrs Gerrarde was, in a great measure, the result of her own
contrition; for as I had not been minute in giving her a particular
account of all the previous steps taken by Mr Faulkland to obtain it
from her, she had not the least idea that Mrs Gerrarde had writ in that
manner from any other motive than the good one which appeared obvious to
her.
I told her, that I feared Mrs Gerrarde was far from being the penitent
she supposed her; and then acquainted her with the true reasons which
had induced her to write in the manner she had done. I then proceeded to
tell her of her behaviour after writing the letter, and how Mr Faulkland
had acted in consequence of that; concluding with informing her of Mrs
Gerrarde's being married, and provided for in a very reputable way.
My mother was highly delighted at this last circumstance; for, she said,
Mr Faulkland had no right to be the punisher of her crimes; and if he
had not made a decent provision for her, she would never have looked
upon him but as a dishonest person.
She told me, that though she was very glad, upon the whole, that Mr
Arnold and that bad woman were separated, yet she was nevertheless not
quite so well satisfied with the manner of it; for I think, said she,
that it is impossible but that a man of Mr Arnold's good sense must, one
time or other, have been convinced of his error, and, of his own accord,
returned to a right way of thinking.
I answered, that might possibly have happened; but that he might have
continued long enough under his infatuation intirely to ruin his family:
and as for what regarded me in particular, I knew of no means so likely
to remove his unjust suspicions effectually, as those which Mr Faulkland
had taken.
You are right, my dear, said she; let us hope the best. I am glad Mr
Faulkland does not mean to return soon to England: there is but one
event which could ever reconcile me to his doing so; and that is, in
order to do justice to the unfortunate Miss Burchell. If he would wipe
out that blot in his character by marrying her, I should again allow him
to be a good man: at present, I own, I can't help being dissatisfied,
that one, so blameable as I think him, should have laid my daughter
under the obligations which he has done.
I said it would rejoice me if he could be prevailed on to make Miss
Burchell the reparation she mentioned; but I feared she had no advocate
with Mr Faulkland; though I was of opinion, if he were made acquainted
with the life of sorrow she led, as well as her reserved and modest
behaviour, he would be inclined to favour her; especially if he were to
see the poor little boy.
My mother said, He never could expect quiet of mind, till he had wiped
the tears from her eyes.
Miss Burchell came in while we were speaking of her: my mother is always
glad to see her. The poor girl had been exceedingly shocked at Mr
Faulkland's carrying away her aunt. She thought this action put such an
invincible bar between her and her hopes (almost desperate before), that
it went near to distract her; for though there was no consanguinity in
the case, yet the degree of relationship between her and Mrs Gerrarde,
made her look upon this amour (for so she considered it) with the utmost
horror. She had so often expressed her sense of it in so lively a
manner, both to my mother and me, that had Mr Faulkland even been
inclined to offer his hand, she could not, consistently either with
virtue or common decency, have accepted of it.
My mother, ever delighted with acts of humanity, was in haste to
communicate the true state of the case to Miss Burchell. It was her
interest to keep our secret; therefore I made no scruple of trusting her
with it; especially as I knew it would so much contribute to her peace
of mind.
My mother accosted her with saying, Miss Burchell, I have something to
tell you, that I believe will give you pleasure. The unhappy young woman
lifted up her melancholy eyes; and, shaking her head, answered, _That_,
I believe, Madam, is now impossible. Your aunt is married, said my
mother, but not to Mr Faulkland; and, what is more, there has never any
thing passed between them that need be a bar to you, if he could be
brought to consider you as he ought. Miss Burchell looked amazed; then
turned her eyes from my mother to me, as if for an explanation. My
mother desired me to acquaint her with the history at large of Mr
Faulkland's proceedings; I did so, and took care not to omit the tender
manner in which he had mentioned her in one of his letters. She dropped
some tears at the recital; and then, turning to my mother, My dear good
Madam, you have snatched me from despair by this discovery: I was
overwhelmed; I think I could not have got the better of my grief: a
faint ray of glimmering hope is once more let in upon me. Mr Faulkland
may _yet_ be mine without a crime; or, if he is not, I shall at least
have the satisfaction to think him not so abandoned as he appeared to me
an hour ago. Oh! worthy and lovely Mrs Arnold! said she, addressing
herself to me, you see how Mr Faulkland reveres you: oh! that you would
but engage in my behalf! _you_ can influence his heart; _you_ can guide
his reason; _you_ are his fate!
Her fine eyes, which she fixed on me, filled with persuasive eloquence,
let me into the whole of her meaning, and conveyed more to me than it
was in the power of words to do. I understand you, dear Madam, said I;
and it grieves my heart to think that I cannot, must not interest myself
for you in the manner I would most ardently undertake to do, if there
were not such obstacles in my way as it is impossible for me to get
over. Mr Faulkland, you see, is free from the guilt we all feared he had
plunged himself into: he is full of remorse for the injury he did you,
and I dare believe retains in his heart a tender sense of your merit: he
is still free; nay, he has declared his intention of continuing so.
These circumstances give large room for hope: your unobjectionable
conduct, joined to paternal affection, may still bring about that
wished-for, happy event; but this must be left to time, and the workings
of his own heart. You know Mr Faulkland is, in his natural temper,
impatient of restraint; he is but a very young man, and has a few of
those levities which a little more settled age infallibly will correct,
where a good heart and a good understanding are united. Pardon me if I
add, that Mr Faulkland is not ungenerous, however blameable he may have
been in regard to you. All these circumstances considered, I say, may
warrant your indulging a hope, that he will at last be brought to make
you the reparation, which is mine and my mother's wish as much as your
own. Ah! Madam, said she, but Mr Faulkland is a great way from me: the
remembrance of me is already but too much worn out; distance, time, and
a variety of objects, must intirely efface it. _Your_ hand, the powerful
magic of _your_ touch, would soon brighten up the colouring of those
faint, faded traces, that he but scarcely preserves of me in his memory.
What could not your pen, guided by a heart so tender, so sympathizing
with the grief of others, effect on the man who considers you as a
divinity? If he had any hopes of _you_, Madam, it would be presumption
in me to put in my claim; but, as you cannot be my rival, be my
advocate: do, dear angelic lady! (and she lifted up her hands to me
fervently) write to Mr Faulkland, if you can restore him to me, what
prayers will I not pour out for your happiness?
My mother, who was greatly affected by her discourse, said to me,
Indeed, my dear, if you could effect that, it would be a very
meritorious work. Who knows what the high opinion Mr Faulkland has of
you, and the great deference he pays to your judgment, may produce?
I was sorry my good mother's openness of heart had made her enter so
suddenly into Miss Burchell's sentiments: it encouraged her to renew her
intreaties; she snatched both my mother's hands, and kissed them; she
wanted words to thank her.
I was unwilling to appear cold in Miss Burchell's interest, or to refuse
doing what my mother seemed to approve; but the resolution I had long
before made, never to see, or on any account whatsoever to hold the
least correspondence with Mr Faulkland, determined me. If strict
prudence might on so extraordinary an occasion have dispensed with this
promise, which, as I had made it to my own heart, I thought amounted
almost to a vow, I could not however answer it to that decorum, which I
had, as an inviolable law, determined to guide myself by, in so critical
a situation. And I resolved to have it in my power to say, in case Mr
Arnold and I were ever to unite again, that I had not in the smallest
article departed from it.
I told Miss Burchell there was but one reason which could prevent me
from complying with her request; but it was one of so much weight with
me, that, after my informing her of it, I hoped she would be so good as
not to urge me farther. I did, said I, upon my parting with my husband,
make a firm resolution, not only never to see Mr Faulkland, but never to
receive from, or write a line to him, nor in any manner whatsoever to
keep up the least intercourse with him.
I did not know but that Mr Faulkland (if he should learn the truth)
considering himself to be (as he really was, though innocently) the
cause of that unfortunate separation, might, either with a design of
consoling me, or of vindicating himself from any suspicion of blame,
have endeavoured to see me or write to me. In this I was mistaken; his
prudence, or his respect for me, prevented him from attempting either.
The resolution I had made, however, I thought due to my husband's
honour, as well as my own. The same cause still subsists; the weight of
it perhaps more in my own imagination than in reality; but if it even be
so, indulge me, dear Madam (to my mother), and dear Miss Burchell, in
this singularity. I have (not improbably) the happy prospect of being
restored to Mr Arnold's esteem; let me then be able to assure him, that
these eyes, these ears, these hands, have been as guiltless as my heart,
and all equally estranged from Mr Faulkland. This is a declaration I
think due to that punctilio, or, give me leave to call it, that
delicacy, I have endeavoured to preserve in all my conduct. Mother! you
always taught me to avoid even the shadow of reproach.
Very true, my dearest, answered my mother; I believe you are in the
right. Miss Burchell, I think my daughter cannot, conformably to that
discretion by which she has always been governed, undertake your cause
at present: it did not appear to me at first in the light wherein Sidney
has now put it.
Miss Burchell made no answer, but by her tears; we were both affected,
and I wished sincerely to have had it in my power to serve her. I told
her, if Mr Arnold and I should ever be re-united, that I would endeavour
to draw him so far over to our party, as to obtain his permission to
correspond with Mr Faulkland: that I was sure he would join with me in
wishing her the reparation she hoped for; and that I would make no
scruple of engaging warmly for her in such a case. But then, Madam, said
she, with what face can you interest yourself for me, so long as Mr
Arnold shall think that my aunt has been criminal with Mr Faulkland?
That thought, said I, did not occur to me before, and is indeed a
difficulty; for should Mr Arnold know that the elopement of Mrs Gerrarde
was against her will, and the letter she wrote him extorted from her by
Mr Faulkland, it might perhaps injure me as much in his opinion, as Mrs
Gerrarde's false suggestions had done before. Those intricacies, dear
Miss Burchell, must be left to time, which I hope may unravel them
favourably for us all. The attempt to disclose this affair to Mr Arnold
must not be sudden; indeed I must be well assured of his restored
confidence and affection before I can venture upon it at all. Whenever
that joyful event happens, assure yourself of my best endeavours to
serve you, if I have really any influence over Mr Faulkland, and
circumstances should so happily concur as to put it in my power to make
use of it.
Be contented, good Miss Burchell, said my mother, with this promise
which my daughter has made you: if Mr Arnold and she should live
together again, Mr Faulkland may probably return to England; as nothing
I believe now keeps him abroad, but to avoid giving Mr Arnold umbrage in
the present unhappy disunion between him and his wife.
_December 18_
My brother continues sullen; he seldom visits us, and when he does, the
meeting on his part is cold. He has made himself master of many
particulars relating to poor Mr Arnold's unhappy connection with Mrs
Gerrarde; for since her elopement the affair has been more talked of
than it was before, and her whole history traced out. She was the
daughter of an innkeeper in a country town, and ran away with Captain
Gerrarde, in his march through it, upon an acquaintance of but a few
days. The husband, who was passionately fond of her, concealed the
meanness of her birth, and put her off to his relations for a young lady
of a reputable family, with whom he got a good fortune. This induced his
sister, a widow lady, the mother of Miss Burchell, to leave at her death
the care of the unhappy girl to captain Gerrarde. The captain, whose
infirmities increased fast upon him a few years after his marriage, got
leave to retire upon half-pay into the country; and he lived for the
most part at Ashby, a little estate which he had purchased and settled
upon his wife: it seems he had a pretty good personal fortune, which she
had squandered, for his fondness could refuse her nothing, except living
apart from him at London, which he could never consent to, though it was
always her desire; but being debarred of this, she betook herself to
such pleasures as the country afforded, and was always a leading woman
at horse-races, assemblies, and such other amusements, as were within
her reach; which, together with expensive treats at home, and
card-playing (her supreme delight) left her at his death, which happened
about five years after their marriage, in the indigent state she in her
account of herself to Mr Faulkland acknowleges. It was then Mr Arnold
became acquainted with her, and in the manner she represented; for my
brother has lately fallen into the acquaintance of that very _relation_
(as she calls him) which she mentions, a Mr Pinnick, at whose lodgings
they first met. This gentleman, who was in reality nothing more than an
humble servant of the lady's, though she called him cousin, the better
to skreen a more particular connection, was so provoked at her deserting
him in favour of Mr Arnold, whom he said he was sure she had insnared,
that he made no scruple of telling all he knew of her. He said, she had
two brothers, very great profligates; one of whom had been put into
prison for forgery, and would have been hanged, had not Mr Arnold, at
the expence of a very considerable sum, saved his life. The other, some
very mean retainer to the law, a plausible fellow, and Mrs Gerrarde's
great favourite, for whom she had art and influence enough to prevail on
Mr Arnold to purchase a considerable employment. It would be endless,
said Mr Pinnick, to tell you the variety of stratagems she made use of
to get money out of those whom she had in her power, and who were able
to supply her. I, for my part, was not rich enough for her, which was
the chief reason I suppose of Mr Arnold's supplanting me; and I take it
for granted, that those arts, which she practised on me to little
effect, succeeded better with him. One time her poor father was in gaol,
and his whole family would be undone, and her mother sent a begging, if
he was not relieved from his distress, by a trifling sum; fifty pounds
would do. Another time her sister's husband, a country shopkeeper, was
upon the point of breaking, and would be inevitably ruined if he was not
assisted. And then she had a formal letter to produce from her sister
upon the melancholy occasion. These circumstances she made no scruple of
laying open to me, as she knew I was no stranger to her origin, having
resided for some years in the town where she formerly lived, though I
did not then know her. Her mother was a Roman Catholick; and in order to
have her daughter brought up in the same principles with herself, had
her sent to a relation in Dublin, where she received her education in a
nunnery. Though her artifices to get money from me were grown quite
stale, I make no doubt but she practised them all over again on poor
Arnold. She was not contented with the lodgings _I_ had placed her in,
but obliged him to take a handsome house, elegantly furnished for her: a
very fine chariot and horses were the next purchase; for a hired one the
lady would not vouchsafe to sit in: and I am sure I have seen her in the
boxes at the play, with as many jewels on her as any lady there.
All these ungrateful particulars, which Sir George had received from Mr
Pinnick, he took a sort of ill natured pleasure in repeating to my
mother and me. Unhappy Mr Arnold, into what a gulph didst thou unwarily
plunge thyself! Is it not amazing that this affair was even so long a
secret? That it was so to _me_ is not strange; for it is natural to
suppose that I must have been the last person to receive a hint of this
nature; but that my brother should never have been informed of it is
surprizing! 'Tis certain Mr Arnold was at first very cautious in his
visits, making them generally at night, and even then he never was
carried in his own chariot. I am shocked to think of the mischiefs which
I fear he has done to his temporal affairs, for his children's sake as
well as his own; but since he is delivered from the thraldom in which
this woman held him, the rest, I hope, by future good management, may be
retrieved. Would to heaven! I had nothing left me to lament, but the
waste of his fortune. Sir George says he is sure he is deeply in debt.
The law-suit too I hear is likely to go against us; if that is to be the
case, it will be a blow indeed!
_December 19_
How miserable is a state of suspence! I am, if possible, more unhappy
now, than when I was without hope of recovering my dear, and now more
dear, because undone Mr Arnold. Our cause came to a final hearing many
days ago (though I was not told it till this morning), and only prepared
for it yesterday, and it is given against us. Mr Arnold by this stroke
loses 900 pounds a year, besides considerable costs. Nothing now remains
but my jointure. Into what an abyss of misery is my unfortunate husband
plunged! Oh! that I could but see him! that I could but regain his
confidence, that I might sooth and comfort him in his afflictions!
My brother is very unkind; after telling me the fatal news, he said, he
thought I should be much to blame if I returned to Mr Arnold, though he
were even desirous of it. What prospect can you have with him but
beggary? said he; for I suppose his next step will be to wheedle you out
of your jointure, the only support you have now left for yourself and
your children.
Oh! brother, brother, said I, you have no heart! I could say no more,
for I burst into tears.
Perhaps you may not be put to the trial, answered he cruelly; but if you
should, you are to take your own way Mrs Arnold, for my advice had never
any weight with you or my mother.
My mother replied, Sir George, you do not use either me or your sister
well. Let her, in the name of God, follow the dictates of her duty. If
the unfortunate Mr Arnold sees his error, can you be so unchristian as
to endeavour at steeling his wife's heart against him? O son! this is
not the way to obtain forgiveness of God for your own faults! Far be it
from Sidney to reject the proffered love of a repenting husband. My dear
(to me) don't afflict yourself; if your husband has grace, you shall
both be as happy together as _I_ can make you. Misfortunes, said, Sir
George, are mighty great promoters of _grace_; I don't doubt but Mr
Arnold will repent most heartily--the having lavished away his fortune;
and the hopes of repairing it, may give him the _grace_ to take his wife
again.
Sir George, said my mother angrily, you will oblige me if you say no
more on the subject.
I have done, Madam, said my brother, and took his leave.
I had almost forgot to tell you by what means the widow Arnold carried
her suit against us. You may remember I informed you she had at the
beginning threatened to produce a witness, who could prove, that her
late husband had been with her on a particular night, a very little time
before his death. Who this witness was, had been kept an impenetrable
secret. She did, however, produce him, when the cause came to be tried;
and this witness proved to be Mrs Gerrarde's brother. That very brother
whom Mr Arnold had redeemed from a gaol and peril of hanging. This man
it seems had been very intimate with her during her husband's life-time,
while she was in a state of separation from him: but whether he was at
all acquainted with the late Mr Arnold, we have no other testimony than
his own. 'Tis however most certain, that she was suspected of an
intrigue with him, and in all human probability that child, which is to
inherit the Arnold estate, is his.
This concealed villain undoubtedly was the person who first suggested
this vile attempt to her, and secretly abetted her in all her
proceedings. It was after the commencement of the law suit that he was
put into gaol, and Mr Arnold little imagined, when under Mrs Gerrarde's
influence he obtained his liberty, that he was bestowing on this wicked
wretch power to ruin him.
I do not imagine Mrs Gerrarde was in this secret. I suppose she would
not knowingly have contributed to beggar the man by whom she was
supported in affluence. But be that as it will, the evidence of this
fellow, who was bred an attorney, together with that of Mrs Arnold's
maid, established the proof on which the issue of the whole affair
turned.
Unfortunately for us, we could find nobody capable of giving any
testimony which could overthrow theirs: and the irregularity of the late
Mr Arnold's life gave these evidences an appearance at least of truth.
God forgive those people the foul play they made use of! I would not
possess a king's revenue on the terms they now enjoy the Arnold estate.
'Tis whispered, that the widow is supposed to be privately married to
this attorney; she owes him a recompence; for I fear he has risqued a
great deal to serve her. The wretch had the affrontery to acknowlege his
obligation to Mr Arnold; and at the same time declared, that nothing but
the justice which he owed the widow, and the orphan of his late friend,
could have extorted a testimony from him to his prejudice.
I need not tell you in what light my poor Mr Arnold looks upon this
affair. He said to a gentleman, from whom Sir George had the account,
that he was justly punished for having furnished such a villain with the
means of undoing him, and execrates the memory of Mrs Gerrarde, who
prevailed on him to do it; for he scarce knew the fellow at that time,
having only seen him once or twice at her lodgings. But let me drop the
mention of such wretches at once. My heart is full of impatience to hear
something from Mr Arnold. Mrs Gerrarde's letter I fear has had no effect
on him; he must have received it long since. What can this dreadful
silence mean? My mother now expects the advances towards a
reconciliation should be on _his_ side. I would I were rid of my
suspence.
_December 20_
Lord and Lady V---- arrived in town last night. They sent a compliment
to me as soon as they alighted at their house, which was not till nine
o'clock; and this morning at the same hour I was agreeably surprized by
a visit from my lord: surprized I say, for he is seldom out of bed so
soon. I had him up to my dressing-room; my mother had never seen him,
and as she was undressed did not chuse to appear. Well, my good lady,
said he, after saluting me, have you heard any-thing from Mr Arnold
lately? I told him I had not. I don't know whether you are apprized,
said he, that I am in all your secrets: Mr Faulkland and I correspond,
and I know how all matters stand. You are not made acquainted, perhaps,
that I was aiding and abetting to a certain scheme. I told him that Mr
Faulkland had writ my brother the whole account, and that I was sure of
his kind participation in every thing that related to me. That you may
depend on, said he; the thing cannot be named that I would not do to
serve you. I understand from Mr Faulkland, that Mrs Gerrarde has writ to
Mr Arnold: have you heard of no effects produced by that letter? I told
him, I had never heard a word from Mr Arnold since he had received it. I
hope it will not be long before you will, answered he: I called on you
this morning on purpose to prepare you; for I suspect Arnold wants to be
reconciled: he wrote to me ten days ago, conjuring me in the strongest
terms to come to town, and to prevail on lady V---- to accompany me: he
said he had something of the utmost consequence to consult us upon, in
which our friendship might be of most material advice to him: he
concluded with telling me, that the whole happiness of his life depended
on our complying with his request. Now as this was immediately on his
receiving Mrs Gerrarde's letter, for I had regular intelligence of the
whole proceeding, I flatter myself that it was in consequence of that
letter he made this request, with a design, as I hope, of getting us to
mediate between you. As I could not just then attend his summons, having
business at V---- hall to detain me, I wrote him word, that I should
certainly be in town as on this day; and that lady V---- would be sure
to accompany me. I have not heard from him since till last night, when I
sent a message to his house to desire his company to breakfast with me
this morning; I expect him at ten o'clock. Now I had a mind to inform
you of this opening, which to me seems to promise very favourably for
you. I shall not mention my having seen you, so that I can say nothing
from you to him. I asked him, was my lady acquainted with the affair as
it really stood? He said she was; for that she had been so exasperated
against Mr Faulkland on his first going off with Mrs Gerrarde, whom she
thought he had run away with upon a very different design, that he was
very glad to undeceive her, and that she would presently have done the
same by me, after the letter she had wrote me about that affair, but
that he prevented her, thinking Mr Faulkland would be better pleased to
unravel the mystery himself. He added, that she was too much my friend,
not to enter warmly into my interests, and had been extremely impatient
to come to town. I thanked my lord for his and his lady's friendship. He
then asked me how our law-suit went on? I answered, it had been
determined some days ago, and we had lost our cause. He turned pale at
the news. Good God! what an unfortunate man your husband is, said he!
What will become of him?
He put an end to his visit immediately, telling me, that either he or
his lady would call on me in the afternoon, to let me know the result of
their conference with Mr Arnold.
I flew to my mother, to tell her the joyful news. She offered up a
prayer that it might turn out as my lord V---- had suggested; and said,
she herself was of the same opinion.
With a heart elated with pleasure, my dear Cecilia, I have scribbled
over the occurrences of this morning. God grant I may be able to close
my journal of to-day with the happy wished-for event!
I never counted the clock with such impatience as I did this day,
waiting the promised visit of lord or lady V----, and I ordered myself
to be denied to all company but them. At one o'clock good lady V----
came, without my lord. When I heard the rap at the door, and saw from
the window it was her equipage, I was seized with such a trembling, that
when lady V----, who hurried up stairs, entered the room, I was unable
to speak, or salute her. She ran up to me, and taking me by the hand,
affectionately embraced me. My mother was present; I made a shift to
present her to lady V----. She then led me to a chair, and sat down by
me. Come, my dear Mrs Arnold, said she, recover your spirits; all will
be well. I began to apologize for giving her ladyship the trouble of
coming to me, when it was my duty to have waited on her. Do not mention
ceremony, said she, I was in too much haste to bring you good news, to
think of forms. We have had Mr Arnold with us till within this half
hour, and indeed he more deserves your pity now than your resentment.
Oh! I feared it, said I, and tears started into my eyes. If you are so
affected at the barely knowing this, said my lady, I must not tell you
the particulars of our conversation; it will be enough for you to know,
that your husband is convinced of the injuries he has done you, and
desires nothing more than your forgiveness.
Dear lady V----, said I, excuse me; my heart is really so softened by
sorrow, that I cannot command my tears. But I beg that may not deter you
from indulging me with the particulars of what passed between you and Mr
Arnold. If I do weep, as my tears no longer proceed from grief, do not
let them interrupt you.
My mother joined in begging lady V---- to inform us of all that passed
in that morning's interview.
Lady V---- obligingly complied, and gave the following account of it.
Mr Arnold came exactly at ten o'clock; my lord was just returned from
his visit to you, and had got in but a few minutes before him. Poor Mr
Arnold looked abashed upon seeing me; his countenance and his voice
discovered the humiliation of his mind. After the first compliments were
over, we sat down to breakfast; your husband drank a dish of coffee, but
eat nothing. We were in haste, that the servants should leave
the room, and dismissed them as soon as we could. My lord then opened
the conversation, by saying, 'Well, Arnold, here are lady V---- and I
come to attend your summons; now tell us what service you have to employ
us in, for I assure you, we are both ready to do you any act of
friendship in our power.'
My lord, I thank you, said Mr Arnold; the friendship you honour me with,
I flattered myself, some time ago, might have been serviceable to me; I
must not now think of making use of it. When I requested the favour of
lady V----'s presence and your's in town, I meant to intreat your
interposition between me and Mrs Arnold. I know I have wronged her so,
that were she any other than the woman she is, I could never hope for
forgiveness; but from _her_ I did hope it, and thought your good offices
might bring about a reunion. But that is all over, I neither desire nor
wish it now.
I am sorry for that, Mr Arnold, said I; I am sure nothing in this world
besides can ever make either your lady or you happy.
Do you know, madam, said he, (and the poor man really looked wildly)
that you see an absolute beggar before you? A man without a foot of
land, overwhelmed with debts, and who shortly will not have a house to
shelter himself in. _I_ deserve it all, but Mrs Arnold does not. Do you
think, that after all the wrongs I have done her, I will involve her in
poverty too? No, lady V----, no. I am not such an abandoned wretch. All
I desire now of your ladyship is, to tell my wife that I beg her
forgiveness, and request she will take care of our two children; though
the scanty pittance that her mother's scrupulous nicety retained for her
will hardly enable her to do it; but while lady Bidulph lives, I believe
she will not see them want.
He uttered all this with so much eagerness, that we never once attempted
to interrupt him.
As I did not know then of the loss of your cause, I was surprized to
hear him speak of his circumstances being so desperate, and really
feared his head was turned. But my lord soon explained the matter, by
saying, he had heard that morning of the Issue of his law-suit, yet
still hoped, that matters were not so bad as he represented them to be.
He then told Mr Arnold, he was extremely glad to find that his wife had
recovered his good opinion; adding, that _he_ always had the highest
one of your virtue. It amazes me, Mr Arnold, said I, that you ever could
entertain a doubt of it. So it does _me_ now, madam, said Mr Arnold; but
I have been for this year past in a dream, a horrid delirium, from which
that vile sorceress, who brought it on me, has but just now rouzed me.
I wanted to draw Mr Arnold to this point. Have you heard any thing of
her since she left you, Sir, said I?
He drew a letter out of his pocket, and without answering me, put it
into my hands, and desired me to read it; then rose off his chair, and
walked about the room.
My lord and I read Mrs Gerrarde's letter together; we were both curious
to see it, Mr Faulkland having mentioned it in his correspondence. Mr
Arnold, said I, returning it to him, _without_ any such proof as this, I
believe nobody that knows your lady would think her guilty; nor could I
ever entertain so bad an opinion of Mr Faulkland: I have known him from
his boyish days, and never had reason to believe him capable of a
dishonourable action.
I believe him innocent, as to _this_, answered Mr Arnold, but you cannot
conceive the pains that were taken by that vile woman to make me think
otherwise; neither would her retracting all she said now work so much on
me, as other corroborating circumstances: her running away with the very
man, of whom she raised my jealousy, after having plundered me of almost
every thing I had to bestow, does not look like a sudden resolution: the
scheme must have been concerted for some time, and Faulkland, I suppose,
was _her_ paramour, at the very time she so basely slandered Mrs Arnold;
for I am not so blind, even to the personal charms of my wife, as to
imagine the greatest inconstant would grow tired of her in so short a
time.
Why, I must own, said my lord, that is a natural inference, which,
joined to the perfidy and falshood of Mrs Gerrarde, puts it out of
dispute, that she traduced Mr Faulkland and your wife, merely to gain
her own wicked ends; one part of which I am inclined to think she
confesses in her letter; that is to say, to have you intirely in her own
hands, though not for the reason she there gives. Her other motive, I
think, now plainly appears by the consequence: she thought, if you were
jealous of your wife, you would hardly suspect _her_ with the same
person, whose visits, to my knowlege, were pretty frequent at her house.
Then, said I, (throwing my weight into the scale) the unobjectionable
character of Mrs Arnold, her pious education, her modest and
affectionate behaviour to you for so long a time, and the recluse life
that she had led with her mother since you parted, makes the thought of
any ill in her quite incredible.
Lady V----, said your husband, impatiently, I am as conscious of it all
as you can possibly wish me. I know I am a blind infatuated monster:
What can you say more? Faulkland, I thank you for ridding me of such a
pest; Oh! that you had taken her before I was so curst as to see her
face! If you had, I should not now be the undone wretch I am! My lord,
my lady, will you do me the favour to tell my wife and lady Bidulph, how
contrite I am (and he laid his hand on his breast): while I had any
thing to offer her besides repentance, I could have thrown myself at her
feet for pardon, and conjured her to have returned to my bosom, and to
her own deserted house, from whence my madness drove her; but I have now
no house to bring her to, and do not desire even to see her face.
His manner was so vehement, that I really feared the agitations of his
mind might disorder his brain. My lord told him he was too desponding,
and said, he hoped all might be yet retrieved. He then enquired into the
particular situation of his affairs, which are, I am grieved to say it,
very bad indeed. We were told, when we were in Kent, that a part of
South-Park was mortgaged, but did not believe it, as we knew it was
settled on you. Upon being asked, Mr Arnold himself acknowleged it,
confessing at the same time, that he had been prevailed on to do this,
in order to deliver Mrs Gerrarde's brother out of gaol, and that it was
the other villainous brother who had transacted the affair for him. I
find, besides this mortgage, that, with the costs of his suit, he owes
near seven thousand pounds; to answer which, he says, he is not worth
six-pence, his plate and the furniture of his houses in town and country
excepted.
Though I had shed many tears, whilst Lady V---- was describing Mr
Arnold's behaviour at the beginning of her discourse, I heard this
latter part of her account with a composed attention.
Lady V---- took me by the hand: I am sorry, dear Mrs Arnold, said she,
that I am obliged to repeat such uncomfortable tidings to you, but you
must know all, soon or late, and it as well now as hereafter. I am sure
your patient temper and good sense will enable you to bear up against
misfortunes.
My lord then proceeded to ask Mr Arnold, if his friends could make his
circumstances a little easier, and Mrs Arnold would consent to live with
him again, had he any objection to it?
My lord, answered your husband, from the moment I heard of Mrs
Gerrarde's elopement, I flattered myself with the hopes of being
restored to my senses, and my peace, by a reunion with my wife; for I
own to you, her innocence from that very time became evident to me, and
it was mere shame that prevented me from making my application to lady
Bidulph, for the purpose of a reconciliation. The receipt of Mrs
Gerrarde's letter--(whether the wretch has _really_ felt compunction or
whether her cruelty to me, in order to make me more unhappy, has drawn
it from her I know not) the receipt of that letter, I say, wherein Mrs
Arnold's innocence is so entirely cleared, convinced me, I ought not to
delay making my wife all the reparation in my power. Though I was
shocked to think how much I had foolishly squandered away, I was still
in possession of an estate of nine hundred pounds a year; for though it
was then in litigation, my lawyers amused me to the last, with a belief
that I should carry my suit; and notwithstanding that the payment of my
debts would lessen it, I knew, with one of her contented and gentle
spirit, it would be sufficient to make us happy, and her jointure (which
I hoped soon to clear) added to it, would enable us to sit down in the
country in tolerable affluence, and I had come to a resolution to make
it the study of my life to render Mrs Arnold happy. I know she is an
admirable oeconomist; I resolved to imitate her, and hoped in time to
retrieve our circumstances. These were my sentiments, my lord, when I
wrote to you, to beg that you and my lady would come to town. I own I
had not courage enough to make any efforts towards the so much
wished-for reunion, without the interposition of friends, whose good
hearts I knew would rejoice, could their endeavours bring it about, and
whose influence over Mrs Arnold I was certain would make the
accomplishment easy. Do me the justice, my lord, to believe, that if I
had not thought it in my power, to have made Mrs Arnold amends for the
injuries I have done her, this hand should have been sooner employed to
send a bullet thro' my head, than to have endeavoured to procure your
mediation in this affair.
But as things have turned out, I would not for this earthly globe
involve her in my ruin; nor shall her family have it to say, I sought
their friendship when I was abandoned of every other hope.
As to that point, answered my lord, I can bear you witness, that your
first overture to me, in order to bring about a reconciliation, arrived
before there was any likelihood of your standing in need of assistance,
either from your wife's friends or your own; for I believe they all, as
well as yourself, were pretty sure of your carrying your suit, which,
if you had done, your affairs might, with a little care, have soon been,
in a great measure, retrieved. Therefore, if they should attempt to make
the ungenerous charge you apprehend, I can confute it, and will to all
the world; and for the rest, we must manage as well as we can.
My lord then proposed some methods to make his affairs a little more
easy; as I am sure his friendship for Mr Arnold and you will make him
endeavour to settle them to the best of his power.
My lady V----'s politeness and generosity would not suffer her to
mention the particulars of the methods proposed; but I have reason to
believe, my good lord V----, will interest himself rather farther than I
wish.
When my lord and Mr Arnold, she proceeded, had talked over these matters
for some time, in which my lord had much ado to get the better of Mr
Arnold's obstinacy, he told him, that I should undertake to explain his
situation to you and lady Bidulph. That he made no doubt of your
tenderness in forgetting all that was past, and being willing to embrace
his fortunes, let them be what they would; for, said he, I am sure Mrs
Arnold will think herself happier with you, on three hundred pounds a
year, than she would with twice so many thousands without you.
Oh! madam, said I, interrupting her, my lord has read my very heart.
My lady smiled and went on. Lady Bidulph, said my lord, is so good a
woman, that as she must look on you in the light of a repenting sinner,
you may be assured of her pardon and favour. That he may rest satisfied
of, answered my mother. My income is not considerable, and I have never
been able to lay any thing by; but if Mr Arnold can be extricated from
his present difficulties, so as to be able to retire quietly into the
country, I will share that little with him.
My lady V----'s eyes moistened, mine were quite suffused. I assure you,
said lady V----, it was not without abundance of arguments used by my
lord, and downright quarrelling on my side, that Mr Arnold could be
prevailed on to consent that any other application should be made on his
part, than that of acquainting you with his penitence, and communicating
his resolution, together with his motives for it, of never seeing you
more.
He says, Sir George Bidulph never was his friend; and, as he supposes
him more now his enemy than ever, he would be sorry to be under any
obligations to him.
My mother, who never conceals her thoughts, answered directly, of that I
believe he need not be apprehensive; Sir George is not very liberal; he
would have persuaded his sister against returning to her husband, and I
am sure will not be willing to contribute towards making their reunion
happy. Besides, as he is now going to be married, he troubles himself
with little else than his intended bride.
Lady V---- seemed shocked; I was sorry my mother had spoken so freely of
Sir George, to one who was an entire stranger both to him and her; but
she is so good, that even her errors proceed from virtue.
Well, said lady V----, we have now seen the worst side of the prospect;
let us turn our eyes towards the pleasanter view. What do you mean to
do, Mrs Arnold?
Mean, madam, said I! To go directly to my husband.
Well, well, replied she, smiling, _that_ I suppose; but how do you
purpose to settle your little household matters?
I think, said my mother, the best thing you can do, is, to go directly
down to my house in Wiltshire. You know _that_, and the furniture are
mine, during my life; they go to your brother afterwards. Send for your
two children and honest Martha; dispose of your house in town, and all
your effects here, as well as at South-park and in Essex--let the
produce be applied to the payments of debts, as far as it will go. You
will then have your jointure to receive, to which I will add two hundred
pounds a year, which will enable you, by degrees, to pay off the rest of
your debts, and I do not see why you may not live comfortably besides.
Extremely well, said my lady, with Mrs Arnold's good management;
especially as they will not have the expence of house-rent. I am sure my
lord will willingly undertake to manage Mr Arnold's affairs in town for
him, and I would have you both get into the country as fast as you can.
I am entirely of your opinion, lady V----, said my mother. What do you
think, child? Dear madam, I think that I am the happiest woman
breathing. Such a parent as you, such a friend as lady V----, and such a
husband, as I promise myself Mr Arnold will prove--How can I be
otherwise than happy? I am ready to do, to do joyfully, whatever you
direct. Dear lady V----, ought not I to see poor Mr Arnold immediately?
Why, said lady V----, I would not have you surprize him; he is to dine
with us to-day, and I will prepare him to receive you in the afternoon
at my house, if you chose it.
By all means, my good lady V----, I will come to your house at five
o'clock. Well, said she, bring a few spirits with you, and do not let
the interview soften you too much.
Lady V---- then took her leave, as she said she should hardly have time
to dress before dinner. My mother and I spent the interval between that
time and evening, in talking of our future scheme of life. Remember, my
dear, said she, that when I die, you lose the best part of your income,
as my house, together with my jointure, revert to Sir George; and you
have no great reason to expect that he will continue either to you; it
therefore behoves you to use oeconomy, as well for the sake of
_saving_ a little, as to accustom yourselves to _live_ upon a little. I
would myself accompany you down to the country, but as my son's marriage
is so near, he would have reason to take it amiss of me; and I know I
shall have his imperious temper to battle with, on our making up matters
between you and your husband; but I shall make myself easy, by
reflecting that we have both acted agreeably to our duty.
You never, my Cecilia, experienced such a situation as mine, and
therefore can have no idea of what I felt, in expectation of seeing the
person, whose presence I most ardently wished for, and yet was afraid of
the interview. My fears were not on my account: conscious as I was of my
innocence, I had no apprehensions on that head; but I could not bear the
thoughts of beholding poor Mr Arnold, in the state of humiliation in
which I supposed I should find him. I wished the first encounter of our
eyes over; and as the appointed hour approached, my anxiety increased: I
was faint, and seized with universal tremors. My mother did all she
could to encourage me, and a little before five o'clock, I was put into
a chair, and carried to Lord V----'s house.
My lady met me on the stairs; I could scarce breathe. She carried me
into her dressing-room, and made me sit down till I recovered a little;
she was affected herself, but endeavoured to raise my spirits. I wish,
said she, smiling, you had been in my lord's hands, he would have
prepared you better than Lady Bidulph has for this meeting; he has been
trying to make Mr Arnold drunk, in order to give him courage, he says,
to face you. Poor man, he could scarcely credit me when I told him you
were to come this evening. She proposed my taking a few drops, which I
agreed to; and bidding me pluck up my spirits, said she would send Mr
Arnold to me.
I catched lady V---- by the hand, and begged she would desire him, from
me, not to mention any thing that was past, but let our meeting be, as
if the separation had only been occasioned by a long journey.
She left me, and Mr Arnold in a few minutes entered the room. He
approached me speechless; my arms were extended to receive him; he fell
into them; we neither of us spoke; there was no language but tears,
which we both shed plentifully. Mr Arnold sobbed as I pressed him to my
bosom. My dearest Sidney, said he, can it be! Is it possible that you
love me still?
If lady V---- delivered my message to you, my dear Mr Arnold, sure you
would not speak thus to me.
I understand you, said he; Oh! my dear: I never wished for wealth or
length of days, till now--but what I can I will.
Forbear, my love, said I; remember my request. I wanted to give his
thoughts another turn. My mother longs to see you: When will you visit
her?
I will throw myself at her feet, said he; I want a blessing from her,
and she has sent me one, throwing his arms again round me.
How much are we obliged to good lord and lady V----, said I.
Oh! they have opened to me the path to Heaven, he answered--if it had
not been for them--I think we had better go to them, said I, they will
partake in our happiness.
He took me by the hand without answering, and led me into the
drawing-room.
I have, my sister, endeavoured to recollect our disjointed conversation,
in order to give it to you as well as I could. All that I can remember I
have set down, though I am sure a good deal more passed.
Lord V----'s eyes sparkled when he saw us enter together; but my lady
and he, I suppose, had agreed before hand to say nothing that could
recall any past griefs, for they only smiled at our entrance; and my
lord said, Arnold, you really hand your lady in with as gallant an air,
as if you were married within these three hours. And so I have been, my
lord, answered Mr Arnold. My lady presently called for tea, and we
chatted as if nothing had happened. The servants waiting in the room
made this necessary; though I could observe the two footmen, who had
lived a good while with Lord V----, looked with no small astonishment at
Mr Arnold and me.
When the servants were withdrawn, my lady introduced the subject of our
going out of town. She had before acquainted him with my mother's
proposal, and I repeated what she had said to me on that head, after
lady V---- had left us. My lord renewed the kind offers of his
friendship, and said, as we meant so shortly to part with our house in
St James's-street, that he thought it would be better for us not to go
into it at all, but make use of his house while we staid in town; as
perhaps Mr Arnold might not like to be at lady Bidulph's, on account of
Sir George coming there.
I readily assented to this proposal; and Mr Arnold said it would be most
agreeable to him. I told him, however, I should be glad of my mother's
approbation; and asked Mr Arnold if he did not think it would be right
of us both to wait on her together, to let her know of my lord's kind
invitation. My lady V---- said, by all means, and the sooner the better:
if you please, I will order you the chariot; I would have you see lady
Bidulph directly. Mr Arnold said, it was what he purposed doing that
very night.
The chariot was presently at the door: lady V---- said, I have an
apartment ready, and shall, with lady Bidulph's permission, expect you
back to-night. We promised to return, and drove to my mother's.
I left Mr Arnold in the parlour, whilst I ran up stairs to inform her of
his being come to wait on her.
Unluckily, as well as unexpectedly, I found my brother with her. I
judged by his voice, as I came up stairs, that he was talking warmly to
my mother; he stopped, however, when I came into the room. He was
standing, and had his hat under his arm. I concluded he was going, and
was not sorry for it; he cast a cold look at me, and, with an ironical
smile, I wish you joy _Mrs Arnold_, and he pronounced my name with an
emphasis. Tho' I was stung at his manner, I would not let him see it.
Thank you brother, said I, God be praised I _have_ cause to rejoice. Oh!
no doubt on't, said he, so have we all, that your husband has been
graciously pleased, after beggaring you and your children, turning you
out of doors, and branding you with infamy, to receive you at last into
his favour.
Sir George, said I, you shock me exceedingly: where is the need of those
cruel repetitions? Indeed you are very unkind; and I could not refrain
from tears.
The more blameable Mr Arnold's conduct has been, said my mother, the
more cause have we to rejoice in his amendment. We must make allowances
for human failings.
Ay, madam, I wish you had thought of that in Mr _Faulkland_'s case,
cried my brother.
My mother seemed disconcerted at the rebuke. Sir George looked and
smiled, with an air of ill-natured triumph. As my mother was not quick
in answering, I replied, the cases are very different, brother; what
duty obliges us to pass by in a husband, it is hardly moral not to
discountenance in another man.
You say true, child, said my mother; a woman certainly ought not to
marry a loose man, if she knows him to be such; but if it be her
misfortune to be joined to such a one, she is not to reject him, but
more especially if she sees him willing to reform. Where is your husband
my dear? Madam, he is below in the parlour: he is come to receive your
forgiveness, and your blessing. He shall have both, said my good mother,
and my prayers too. Sir George looked a little surprized: I will not
interrupt so _pious_ a ceremony, said he, but I hope you will give me
leave to withdraw before you desire him up stairs; saying this, he bowed
slightly to my mother, and left the room: we neither of us said any
thing to stop him; my mother rang the bell, but before a servant could
attend, he went out, and clapped the door violently after him.
Go bring your husband up to me, said my mother. I begged she would not
mention any thing of Sir George's behaviour. I found Mr Arnold impatient
at my stay. Poor man, his situation made him jealous of every thing that
looked like a slight. I told him, my brother had been above stairs, and
as I did not think a meeting would at that time have been agreeable to
either of them, I waited till he was gone. I perceive he knew _I_ was in
the house, said Mr Arnold, by the blustering manner of his departure. I
made no reply; but taking him under the arm, led him to my mother.
That best of women received him with a tenderness that delighted me; he
put one knee to the ground while she embraced him with maternal love,
then raised him, and taking his hand and mine, joined them, holding them
between her own. God bless you my children, said she, and may you never
more be separated, till God, who joined you, calls one or other of you
to himself. Amen, cried I fervently. Amen, repeated Mr Arnold.
He then besought my mother to forgive him for all the affliction he had
occasioned both to her and me; assuring her that his veneration for her,
and his tenderness for me, were augmented a hundred-fold, and should for
the future influence his whole conduct.
After this, we fell on the subject of our domestick affairs: we informed
my mother of my lord V----'s proposal, and said, as we should stay in
town but two or three days, we had accepted of the offer of being at his
house, rather than by our presence banish my brother from her's.
He is an untractable man, said she; but as I do not wish to quarrel
with my children, I think it will be prudent for you to stay at my
lord's rather than here. Mr Arnold said his obligations to lord V----
were unspeakable; for that he had promised not only to see all our
affairs properly settled, but to take the mortgage of South-Park into his
own hands, as he fears the person who now has it will not be so tender a
creditor as himself. He also proposes (as the sale of my effects cannot
amount to what my debts come to) to pay what may be deficient, and make
himself my sole creditor. If it had not been for such a prospect as
this, added my dear Mr Arnold, notwithstanding your goodness and lady
Bidulph's, I had resolved never to have appeared before either of you.
We determined to set out for Sidney-castle in three or four days at
farthest; and took leave of my mother for this night.
_December 21_
I told lady V---- this morning, that though I was determined never to
mention our past misfortune to Mr Arnold, yet I owned I had a great
curiosity to know what means Mrs Gerrarde had made use of, to work up
his suspicions to the high pitch she had done; but I would rather remain
unsatisfied, than mortify him by the recollection of this particular.
I can inform you of her whole proceedings, answered lady V----, as I had
it from Mr Arnold himself; for to tell you the truth, I was as curious
about that as you, and took the liberty to ask your husband concerning
it yesterday, when we had him to ourselves. It was the interval between
dinner, and the hour that you were expected here in the evening, that I
laid hold of for this purpose, as I found him then composed enough to
bear the enquiry.
He told me, that from the time of his going down to South-Park, Mrs
Gerrarde had begun to throw out insinuations concerning you, that had a
little alarmed him. She asked him, Whether you made a good wife? which
he answering in the affirmative, she replied, she was glad of it; for
that she had been told your affections were formerly deeply engaged to a
very fine young gentleman, who, as his fortune was very much above your
expectations, your mother, fearing your violent fondness for him might
lead you into some act of indiscretion, had carried you out of town on
purpose to avoid him; and was glad to marry you as hastily as she could,
to put you out of the reach of harm.
Your husband acknowleges, that he believes he had himself casually
informed Mrs Gerrarde of the manner of his first becoming acquainted
with you, and the suddenness with which his marriage was concluded; yet
she pretended to him, she was before apprized of these particulars.
He owns that those hints, though far from giving him any suspicion of
your virtue, had nevertheless made some impression on him. You know,
Madam, added he, that, madly devoted as my affections were to Mrs
Gerrarde, I had always behaved to my wife with great tenderness and
respect. This I suppose it was which raised Mrs Gerrarde's jealousy, and
made her leave no method unattempted to part us. Mr Faulkland had not
been long at V---- hall, when she asked me, with uncommon earnestness,
whether he visited at my house; I told her he did not, and asked the
meaning of her enquiry. She affected to turn it off, and said, she had
no particular reason for her question; but her manner was such, as the
more excited my curiosity. At length she was prevailed on to tell me,
that Mr Faulkland was the man (for she had not yet named the person),
whom my wife had so passionately loved. Prepossessed as I was with
jealousy, I now took the alarm. I recollected that Mrs Arnold had told
me at lord V----'s, upon my first seeing him there, that she _had_ been
very well acquainted with him; and I even thought that I had observed
something particular in his countenance when he addressed her. I was now
sure that he had come into the neighbourhood merely on her account. The
hell that I suffered is not to be described; for though I really fancied
that I had conceived almost an aversion to Mrs Arnold, I yet could not
bear the thoughts of being dishonoured. An accident happened which
served to strengthen my suspicions: he then related the circumstance of
his seeing you at the public house on the night of the fire; and of his
finding Mr Faulkland putting you into your chariot. He owned at the same
time, that he was there with Mrs Gerrarde, whom he had conducted out of
the play-house, having called for her there in his return from making a
visit, as he had promised to sup with her that night. Mrs Gerrarde, when
she had him at her house, affected to speak with some surprize of your
imprudence, in suffering a young man of Mr Faulkland's _known_ turn for
gallantry, to attend you to _such_ a place, and at that hour. Though,
added he, Mrs Arnold's own account of this had satisfied me at the time,
yet Mrs Gerrarde's insinuations blew up the fire anew in my breast. She
pretended to sooth me; but the methods she took rather increased my
uneasiness. She told me, she believed my honour as _yet_ had received no
injury; and to preserve it effectually, she thought I could not do
better than to forbid my wife to see Mr Faulkland. The designing vile
woman, continued your husband, knowing that this prohibition would cut
off her visits at V---- hall, no doubt apprehended my wife would not so
readily acquiesce under it; and she was sure any resistance on her part
would but the more inflame me. But in this she was disappointed; for I
no sooner required Mrs Arnold's promise on the occasion, than she,
without the least hesitation, made it. My requiring so extraordinary a
proof of her obedience, induced Mrs Arnold to enquire into the cause;
and upon my explaining it, she acknowleged that Mr Faulkland had once
been her lover, and that the match was broken off by her mother, who had
conceived some dislike to him. This was so far from gaining credit with
me, that it only served to corroborate what Mrs Gerrarde had told me. I
was, however, contented for the present with the promise that my wife
had made me; of which I informed Mrs Gerrarde.
He then proceeded to tell me of his finding you and Mr Faulkland
together one evening at the house of Mrs Gerrarde. I must confess,
continued he, this unexpected incident transported me beyond the bounds
of patience: I suffered, notwithstanding, Mr Faulkland to go quietly out
of the house, more for Mrs Gerrarde's sake than any other consideration,
and permitted her to go home with my wife (who I then thought
_pretended_ illness,) waiting in the mean time at her house for her
return, in order to have this extraordinary and unexpected meeting
explained.
Mrs Gerrarde, on her return expressed the utmost concern and resentment
on the occasion. She told me, that as she had expected me that evening
(which was really the case), she had sent to my wife to engage her for
the next day, in order to prevent her coming to interrupt us, which was
not unlikely, as Mrs Arnold had not been to see her from the time she
was laid up by the hurt she received; and she said, she did not care to
lay herself so open to her servants, as to have herself denied to the
wife, whilst she entertained the husband.
I myself, continued he, having the same apprehensions, had asked Mrs
Arnold, on my going abroad in the morning, how she purposed to dispose
of herself for the day; and she had told me she intended to stay at
home. Mrs Gerrarde said, that notwithstanding her message, she was
surprized with a visit from Mrs Arnold just as she was sitting down to
dinner; that she however put a good face on the matter, and received her
very cordially; but in order to get rid of her soon, told her, she was
engaged abroad in the afternoon. Mrs Arnold, she added, however thought
proper to stay, and I could not avoid asking her to drink coffee. While
we were at it, behold, to my very great surprize, Mr Faulkland sent in
his name, and immediately entered the parlour.
As I guessed, continued Mrs Gerrarde, that this was a settled
assignation, I own I was extremely provoked at it. Mr Faulkland, with
whom I formerly had a very slight acquaintance at Bath, _so_ slight
indeed as never to be visited by him, now very audaciously made an
apology for not having waited on me sooner; but said, that he did not
hear of my being in the neighbourhood, 'till a day or two before, and
hoped I would allow him the honour of renewing his acquaintance. I had
hardly temper enough to make him a civil answer; but said, I was sorry I
was engaged that evening, and must be obliged to go out immediately. I
thought this hint was enough for Mrs Arnold; and that she would have had
the discretion to have taken her leave. She asked pardon for having kept
me at home so long, protesting she had really forgot that I told her I
was engaged. She begged she might not detain me any longer, saying, she
had ordered her chariot to come for her in the evening, and that she
would wait for it, as she found herself not very well, and therefore not
able to walk home. I now saw into the whole scheme: Mr Faulkland would
naturally stay to keep her company, and they would have my house to
themselves; but I resolved to disappoint them both; and telling Mrs
Arnold I would leave her at home, ordered the chariot to the door. Mrs
Arnold opposed this, under pretence of not giving me so much trouble,
and pretending to be sick and faint, said she would step to the door, in
order to get a little more air; I followed her hastily, and your coming
in the instant, I suppose, detained Mr Faulkland in the parlour, for he
could not but see you from the window. You know the rest, added Mrs
Gerrarde; and I leave you to judge, whether Mrs Arnold be inclined to
keep her word with you, in regard to Mr Faulkland.
Can you blame me, Madam, proceeded your husband, if, after what I now
saw and heard, I was enraged almost to madness against my wife? The base
woman, who had now accomplished her wicked purpose, encouraged me in my
desperation. In the midst of my fury, however, I could not help making
one observation, which was, that as Mrs Gerrarde's going, or pretending
to go out that evening, was a casual thing, they could hardly have
expected an opportunity of being _alone_ at her house, even though the
meeting was concerted. Mrs Gerrarde answered, That was very true; and
she supposed there was nothing at first farther intended, than that the
_lovers_ should have the pleasure of seeing and conversing together, as
they had been so long separated; the other, to be sure, said she, was an
after-thought, which the opportunity suggested. She then, after making
me swear secrecy, told me, that Mrs Arnold had, when she followed her
out to the door, conjured her not to tell me that Mr Faulkland and she
(Mrs Gerrarde) were acquainted; for, said she, as Mr Arnold is of a
jealous temper, and has heard that Mr Faulkland formerly courted me, he
would not suffer me to come near your house, if he knew that Mr
Faulkland visited you. I promised her I would not, added Mrs Gerrarde;
and I make no doubt but that she hoped in time (relying on my good
nature, my seeming fondness for her, and the easiness of my temper) to
engage me as the confidant and abettor of her loose amour.
Mrs Gerrarde concluded with saying, that she believed nothing criminal
had as _yet_ passed between Mr Faulkland and my wife, at least since his
coming to V---- hall; but as there was no with-holding a woman from her
will, it was very probable that Mrs Arnold would contrive the means of
meeting, though not at _her_ house, yet somewhere else. I raved,
threatened, talked of fighting Faulkland, and locking up my wife. She
artfully dissuaded me from such violent measures by a number of
arguments, which I will not trouble you with repeating: Amongst other
things, she said, that I had no right to call Faulkland to an account
merely from surmise, which was all I had to ground my charge on; and
though there was the strongest reason to believe he had dishonourable
designs on Mrs Arnold, yet as I could not directly accuse him of them, I
should be laughed at for engaging in a quarrel, which to the world would
appear to be so ill-grounded. As to what I threatened in regard to my
wife, she said, such measures only make a woman desperate, and would be
far from preventing the evil; in short, that it would be better to part
quietly, without embroiling myself with her friends, or undertaking the
hateful office of becoming gaoler to my wife. She found me but too well
disposed to follow her fatal counsel. I wrote that cruel letter to my
wife, which turned her from her home, at Mrs Gerrarde's house. She kept
me with her till midnight, and had worked up my resentment to such a
pitch, that I determined not to see Mrs Arnold any more. To avoid
expostulations, I went to a friend's house, at the distance of several
miles. When I came back, Mrs Gerrarde told me that Mr Faulkland was
absent from V---- hall, and she concluded the lovers were now together.
I interrupted your husband at this part of the story, pursued Lady
V----, and told him, that to _my_ knowledge Mr Faulkland had gone to
Sidney-Castle, to see Sir George Bidulph, before you left your own
house; and did not set out from thence on his return 'till about three
weeks after your separation; at the account of which he was exceedingly
surprized.
Dear Lady V----, said he, do you think I _now_ want any farther
arguments to convince me what an injurious wretch I have been to the
best of women?
I have one observation to make to you, Mr Arnold, added I; which is,
that your lady's misfortune was intirely owing to her great delicacy,
and the nice regard she had to your peace and honour.
I do not understand you, Madam, he replied.
Know then, said I, that your wife was well acquainted with your
connection with Mrs Gerrarde, from the very night that you found her at
the public house, to which the accident that happened to her obliged her
to go. She owned to me, at the time you drove her from her home, that
she had discovered your amour from a conversation she overheard that
night between you and Mrs Gerrarde. This I extorted from her, by letting
her know I was no stranger to the intrigue. I then repeated to him the
discourse that passed between him and that wicked woman, as far as you
had told me, and he very well remembered it. Now, Mr Arnold, said I, to
prove the assertion I made in regard to your lady, had she reproached
you with your infidelity, as _some_ wives would have done, tho' it might
have occasioned a temporary uneasiness to you both, yet would it have
prevented her from falling a sacrifice to that most artful and wicked of
her sex; for you could not then have had such an improbable falshood
imposed on you, as that Mrs Arnold would have made choice of the
_mistress_ of her husband for a confidant, and fix on _her_ house as the
rendezvous for a love-intrigue. The base woman herself had no reason,
from Mrs Arnold's prudent and gentle behaviour, to think she was
suspected by her.
Your husband lifted up his eyes to heaven; and striking his breast,
Blind, blind wretch, he cried! infatuated, ungrateful monster! are there
no amends--no amends in thy power for such goodness?
I could not bear such a description of my poor Mr Arnold's deep
contrition. I stopped Lady V----; and, being now informed of all I
wanted to know, changed the conversation.
_December 22_
We are preparing to get into the country with all speed. I have writ to
Patty to set out with the two children for Sidney-Castle as soon as
possible. Mr Arnold has put his affairs intirely into the hands of our
worthy friend Lord V----, and we think, upon a calculation, that what we
have in town, at South-Park, and at Arnold-Abbey, will go near to answer
the present demands that are upon us.
Lady V---- is the best creature living; she knows that neither Mr Arnold
nor I chuse to see any visitors, and she has let none in these two days.
I am vexed at laying her under such a restraint, though her good-nature
will not suffer her to think it one. We shall go out of town on Monday;
to-morrow we spend with my mother, as do Lord and Lady V---- (who are
mightily charmed with her), and then adieu to London, perhaps for ever.
If my mother comes down to me, as she intends to do, I shall have no
temptation ever to return to it.
_Sidney-Castle, December 29._
Here I am, my dear, in the house of my nativity. Your Sidney and her
Arnold as happy as a king and a queen! or, to speak more properly,
happier than any king or queen in Christendom. My two dear little
girls are well, thank God! and look charmingly. Poor babes! they could
have no idea of their loss when I left them, yet they now seem pleased
at seeing me again. My faithful Patty is almost out of her wits with
joy. I have no maid but her, and an honest servant, whom my mother
left here to look after her house. Mr Arnold has retained but one of
his men: the garden is taken care of by an old man in the
neighbourhood, to whom my mother allows something for keeping it in
order.
With what delight do I recall the days of my childhood, which I passed
here so happily! You, my dear Cecilia, mix yourself in all my
thoughts; every spot almost brings you fresh into my memory. The
little filbert-wood, the summer-house, the mount, and the
chestnut-close that you used to love so! but the sight of your old
dwelling makes me melancholy. I think I could not bear to go into the
house; the deserted avenue to me appears much darker than it used to
do; and your poor doves are all flying about wild; and I think seem to
mourn the absence of their gentle mistress. Oh! Cecilia, how exquisite
are the pleasures and the pains that those of too nice feelings are
liable to! You, whose sensibility is as strong as mine, know this.
From what trifles do minds of such a turn derive both joy and grief!
Our names, our virgin names, I find cut out on several of the old elm
trees: this conjures up a thousand pleasing ideas, and brings back
those days when we were inseparable. But you are no longer Rivers, nor
I Bidulph. Then I think what I have suffered since I lost that name,
and at how remote a distance you are from me; and I weep like a
child--But away with such reflections: I am now happier, beyond
comparison happier, I think, than I was before my afflictions overtook
me. Mr Arnold's _recovered_ heart I prize infinitely more than I did
when he first made me an offer of it; because I am sure he gives it
now from a thorough conviction that I deserve it, and therefore I am
certain never to have it alienated again.
_January 4_
It is almost three years since I left this place; and the welcomes I
have received from all our old neighbours and acquaintance, have given
me more satisfaction than I can express. Mr Arnold is highly pleased
with the marks of affection which he sees me daily receive from those
who have known me from my infancy. I am the more delighted with it, as I
think it gives me an additional value with him. 'Tis a proof at least
that I never misbehaved during the long number of years that our former
friends knew me, and we must needs be pleased to see the object of our
love approved of by others. This I speak from my own experience. Mr
Arnold is exceedingly caressed by all our friends, and seems equally
delighted with them: you know we have some of the best people in the
world amongst our old set of acquaintance. If you, my mother, and good
Lady V----, were within my reach, I should think Sidney-Castle a
paradise.
_January 10_
I have had two letters to-day; one from Lady V----, the other from my
dear mother. Lady V---- tells me her husband is bustling about for us,
to put affairs in the best condition he can. She says, he has already
got a purchase for the lease of our house in St James's-Street; and all
the moveables in it, as they now stand. They have been valued at two
thousand seven hundred pounds. As most of our plate is there, as well as
our chariot and a pair of horses, this has fallen very short of our
expectations; but Lady V---- says, she is sure there was not more
allowed for the furniture than half their original value, though they
have not been a great while in use. She tells me, that my lord has
employed a person to go down to Arnold-Abbey, to dispose of the things
there; but she fears we shall receive a very indifferent return from
thence, as there is but part of the furniture of Mr Arnold's putting in,
the old goods going together with the house to the widow. My lord's
steward at V---- hall has instructions about South-Park: he writes word
to his lord that he believes the whole of what is there will not sell
for more than four hundred pounds: the house indeed was but small, and
the furniture not expensive. Mrs Gerrarde, he says, has had an
attachment laid on her house by a person who built some bauble for her
in her garden, for which he claims a debt of ninety pounds, though the
steward says it is not worth thirty. 'All things, however, my lady adds,
shall be adjusted in the best manner we can; and my lord will not let Mr
Arnold be distressed on account of any deficiency that may happen in
those sales.' What a jewel, my Cecilia, is an honest, warm friend!
The contents of my mother's letter are, That Sir George was married
yesterday to Lady Sarah P----. She says, the bride was most
extravagantly fine; but looked neither handsome nor genteel. This was
much for my good mother to let drop from her pen; but I know she never
liked Lady Sarah, nor did her ladyship ever treat her with the regard
due to her character, and to the person of one who was to stand in the
close and respectable degree of relationship to her, which my mother now
does. But I believe I have before told you, that the blessings of good
sense and good temper are bestowed but in a moderate degree on Lady
Sarah; and for a woman of quality, Lady V---- tells me (for I have never
seen her), that her breeding is not of the highest form. But you know a
great fortune covers a multitude of imperfections in the eyes of most
people, and I hope her love for my brother will make her a good wife.
_January 23_
I am grown a perfect farmer's wife, and have got a notable dairy: I am
mistress of three cows, I assure you, which more than supply my family;
then I have the best poultry in the country, and my garden flourishes
like Eden. Mr Arnold is such a sportsman that we have more game than we
know what to do with; but his chief pleasure is hunting.
Your little namesake promises to be the greatest beauty in the county.
Dolly, who is a pretty little cherry-cheek, and her father's great
favourite, prates like a parrot. How delightful will be the task of
expanding and forming the minds of these two cherubs! how joyfully and
how thankfully do I look back on the troubled sea which I have passed!
My voyage indeed was not long, but my sufferings were great while they
lasted. I never, since I was married, enjoyed life till now. You know my
match was originally the result of duty to the best of mothers; and
though, if I ever knew my own heart, it was absolutely freed from all
attachment to any other person, yet was it not so devoted to Mr Arnold,
as to have made him my choice preferably to all other men, if I had not
resolved in _this_, as in every other action of my life, to be
determined by those to whom I owed obedience. When I married Mr Arnold,
I esteemed him; a sufficient foundation, in the person of a husband,
whereon to build love. That love, his kindness, and my own gratitude, in
a little produced in my heart; and I will venture to say few wives loved
so well, none better. You know I could never bear to consider love as a
childish divinity, who exercises his power by throwing the heart into
tumultuous raptures: _my_ love, tho' of a more temperate kind, was
sufficiently fervent to make Mr Arnold's coldness towards me alone
capable of wounding my heart most sensibly; but when this coldness was
aggravated by the cruel distrust which he was taught to entertain of me,
the blow indeed became scarce supportable; and I did not till then know
the progress he had made in my affections.
Sorrows, my Cecilia, soften and subdue the mind prodigiously; and I
think my heart was better prepared from its sufferings to receive Mr
Arnold's returning tenderness, than an age of courtship in the gay and
prosperous days of life could have framed it to. I exult in his restored
affections, and love him a thousand times better than ever I did. He
deserves it; I am sure he does: he was led away from me by enchantment;
nothing else could have done it. But the charm is broke, thank heaven!
and I find him now the tenderest, the best of men. Every look, every
word, every action of his life, is expressive of a love next to
adoration. Oh! I should be too happy, if the blessings I now possess
were to be my continued portion in this life! There is, however, but
_one_ about which I can rationally indulge any fears--My mother--Her
years, and her growing infirmities, will not suffer me to hope for her
being long absent from her final place of felicity. You always used to
say I anticipated misfortunes: this event _may_ be farther off than my
anxious fears sometimes suggest to me; so no more of it.
_March 10_
My good Lady V---- writes me word, that all our business is finished.
The whole amount of our effects came but to three thousand four hundred
pounds; our debts (including some charges which have occurred in the
transacting of our affairs) exceeded eight thousand. Our worthy Lord
V---- has paid the whole, and has made himself our only creditor. We
have nothing now, that we can call our own, but my jointure. I do not
reckon upon my mother's bounty to us; our income from her, and the house
we live in, will be Sir George's, whenever it is our misfortune to lose
her. But she tells me she is well, and talks of coming down in about a
fortnight.
_March 11_
I am here in a scene of still life, my dear; and you must now expect to
hear of nothing but such trivial matters as used to be the subject of
our journals when we were both girls, and you lived within a bow-shot of
Sidney-Castle, and saw me every day. The last three months of my life
have glided away like a smooth stream, when there is not a breath of
wind to ruffle it; and after you read the transactions of one day, you
know how I pass all the rest.
I have told you of every-body that came to see me, and all the visits
that I returned: I have given you an account of all our old
acquaintance, and of some new ones. You know what my amusements are, and
what my business. Indeed, what I call business, is my chief pleasure.
You, who are surrounded by the gaieties of a splendid court, had need of
the partiality which I know you have for your Sidney, to desire a
continuation of her insipid narrative. But, I suppose, if I were to tell
you, that, on such a day, my white Guiney-hen brought out a fine brood
of chickens, you might be as well pleased with it, as I should be to
hear from you of the birth of an arch-duchess. Indeed, my Cecilia, there
is such a sameness in my now-tranquil days, that I believe I must have
recourse to telling you my dreams, to furnish out matter of variety.
_March 19_
We have had a wedding to-day in our neighbourhood. Young Main (Patty's
brother) has got a very pretty young gentlewoman, with a fortune of five
thousand pounds. It seems, this pair had been fond of each other from
their childhood; but the girl's fortune put her above her lover's hopes;
however, as he has, for a good while, been in very great business, and
has the reputation of being better skilled in his profession than any
one in the country, he was in hopes, that his character, his mistress's
affection for him, and his own constancy, would have some little weight
with her family. Accordingly he ventured to make his application to the
young woman's brother, at whose disposal she was, her father having been
dead for some years; but he was rejected with scorn, and forbid the
house.
The girl's father, it seems, had been an humourist, and left her the
fortune under a severe restriction; for, if ever she married without her
brother's consent, she was to lose it; so that, in that particular
instance of disposing of her person, she was never to be her own
mistress. In the disposal of her fortune, however, he did not so tie her
up; for after the age of one-and-twenty, she had the power of
bequeathing her fortune by will to whom she pleased.
The brother, who is a very honest man, had no motive, but a regard to
his sister's interest, in refusing poor Mr Main: a man of good fortune
had proposed for her, whom the brother importuned her to accept of; but
she was firm to her first attachment.
The young lover found means to convey a letter to his mistress, in which
he told her, that as he was in circumstances to support her genteelly,
if she would venture to accept of his hand, he would never more bestow a
thought on her fortune. This proposal the prudent young woman declined
on her own part, but advised him to make it to her brother, as she was
not then without suspicions that he wished to retain her fortune in the
family; and that it was only to save appearances he had proposed a match
to her, of which he was sure she would not accept. But in this opinion
she injured him. She thought, however, the experiment might be of use,
in giving the better colour to her marrying afterwards the man whom she
loved.
But it was an ill-judged attempt, and succeeded accordingly: for, if the
brother should have given his consent, he could have no pretence for
withholding her portion; or, if he did so by mutual agreement, his
motive for denying his consent before, must appear too obviously to be a
bad one.
The young people, not considering this sufficiently, resolved to make
the trial; accordingly Mr Main wrote to the brother a very submissive
letter, telling him he would, in the most solemn manner, relinquish all
claim to his sister's fortune, if he would make him happy by consenting
to their marriage; without which, he said, the young lady's regard for
her brother would not suffer her to take such a step.
This letter had no other effect than that of making the brother
extremely angry. He sent a severe message to the young man, to acquaint
him, that he looked upon his proposal as a most injurious affront to his
character; but that he was ready to convince him, and every-body else,
that he had no designs upon his sister's fortune, as he would not refuse
his consent to her marriage with any other man in the country but
himself. This was a thunder-clap to the poor lover: he comforted
himself, however, with the hopes that his mistress's heart would
determine her in his favour, notwithstanding the severity of the
brother.
There had been, it seems, besides this gentleman's not thinking Mr Main
a suitable match for his sister, some old family pique between him and
Mr Main's father.
These transactions happened some time before I came to the country. Just
about that juncture, the poor girl had the misfortune to receive a hurt
in her breast, by falling against the sharp corner of a desk from a
stool, on which she had stood in order to reach down a book that was in
a little case over it. This accident threw her into a fit of illness,
which put a stop to all correspondence between her and her lover.
In this illness, a fever, which was her apparent complaint, was the only
thing to which the physician paid attention, and the hurt in her breast
was not enquired after; so that by the time she was tolerably recovered
from the former, the latter was discovered to be in a very dangerous
way, and required the immediate assistance of a surgeon. You may be sure
poor Main was not the person pitched upon to attend her; another was
called in, of less skill, but not so obnoxious to the family.
By this bungler, she was tortured for near three months; at the end of
which time, through improper treatment, the malady was so far increased,
that the operator declared the breast must be taken off, as the only
possible means of saving her life.
The young gentlewoman's family were all in the greatest affliction; she
herself seemed the only composed person amongst them. She appointed the
day when she was to undergo this severe trial of her fortitude; it was
at the distance of about a week. The surgeon objected to the having it
put off so long, but she was peremptory, and at last prevailed.
On the evening preceding the appointed day, she conjured her brother in
the most earnest manner, to permit Mr Main to be present at the
operation. The brother was unwilling to comply, as he thought it might
very much discompose her, but she was so extremely pressing, that he was
constrained to yield.
The attending surgeon was consulted on the occasion; who having
declared, that he had no objection to Mr Main's being present, that
young man was sent for. He had been quite inconsolable at the accounts
he received, of the dangerous state in which his mistress was, and went
with an aching heart to her brother's house in the morning.
He was introduced into her chamber, where he found the whole chirurgical
apparatus ready. The young woman herself was in her closet, but came out
in a few minutes, with a countenance perfectly serene. She seated
herself in an elbow chair, and desired she might be indulged for a
quarter of an hour, to speak a few words to her brother, before they
proceeded to their work. Her brother was immediately called to her, when
taking him by the hand, she requested him to sit down by her.
You have, said she, been a father to me, since I lost my own; I
acknowlege your tenderness and your care of me with gratitude. I believe
your refusal of me to Mr Main, was from no other motive but your desire
of seeing me matched to a richer man. I therefore freely forgive you
that only act, in which you ever exercised the authority my father gave
you over me. My life, I now apprehend, is in imminent danger, the hazard
nearly equal, whether I do, or do not undergo the operation; but as they
tell me there is a chance in my favour on one side, I am determined to
submit to it.
I put it off to this day, on account of its being my birth-day. I am now
one and twenty, and as the consequences of what I have to go through,
may deprive me of the power of doing what I intended, I have spent this
morning in making my will. You, brother, have an ample fortune; I have
no poor relations; I hope, therefore, I stand justified to the world,
for having made Mr Main my heir. Saying this, she pulled a paper from
under her gown, which she put into her brother's hand, that he might
read it. It was her will, wrote by herself, regularly signed, and
witnessed by two servants of the family.
Sir, said she, turning to the other surgeon, as soon as my brother is
withdrawn, I am ready for you. You may imagine this had various effects
on the different persons concerned. The brother, however displeased he
might have been at this act of his sister's, had too much humanity to
make any animadversions on it at that time. He returned the paper to
his sister without speaking, and retired.
Poor Main, who had stood at the back of her chair, from his first coming
in, had been endeavouring to suppress his tears all the time; but at
this proof of his mistress's tenderness and generosity, it was no longer
in his power to do so, and they burst from him with the utmost violence
of passion.
The other surgeon desired him to compose himself, for that they were
losing time, and the lady would be too much ruffled.
The heroic young woman, with a smiling countenance, begged of him to dry
his eyes: perhaps, said she, I may recover. Then fixing herself firmly
in the chair, she pronounced, with much composure, 'I am ready.' Two
maid servants stood one at each side of her, and the surgeon drew near
to do his painful work. He had uncovered her bosom, and taken off the
dressings, when Mr Main, casting his eyes at her breast, begged he might
have leave to examine it before they proceeded. The other surgeon, with
some indignation, said, his doing so was only an unnecessary delay; and
had already laid hold of his knife, when Mr Main having looked at it,
said, he was of opinion it might be saved, without endangering the
lady's life. The other, with a contemptuous smile, told him, he was
sorry he thought him so ignorant of his profession, and without much
ceremony, putting him aside, was about to proceed to the operation; when
Mr Main laying hold of him, said, that he should never do it in his
presence; adding, with some warmth, that he would engage to make a
perfect cure of it in a month, without the pain or hazard of amputation.
The young lady, who had been an eye-witness of what passed, for she
would not suffer her face to be covered, now thought it proper to
interpose. She told the unfeeling operator, the he might be very sure
she would embrace any distant hope of saving herself from the pain, the
danger, and the loss she must sustain, if he pursued the method he
intended. She was not, however, so irresolute, she said, as to desire
either to avoid or postpone the operation, if it should be found
necessary; but as there was hope given her of a cure without it, she
thought it but reasonable to make the experiment; and should therefore
refer the decision of her case to a third person of skill in the
profession, by whose opinion she would be determined.
The two women servants, who are always professed enemies to chirurgical
operations, readily joined in her sentiments, and saying it was a mortal
sin to cut and hack any christian, they made haste to cover up their
young lady again.
The disappointed surgeon hardly forbore rude language to the women; and
telling Mr Main he would make him know what it was to traduce the skill
of a practitioner of his standing, marched off in a violent passion,
saying to his patient, if she had a mind to kill herself, it was nothing
to him.
The modest young man, delighted to find the case of his beloved not so
desperate as he had supposed it to be, begged she would permit him to
apply some proper dressings to the afflicted part, and conjuring her to
call in the aid of the ablest surgeon that could be procured, took his
leave.
The brother of the lady being apprized of what had passed, lost no time
in sending an express to Bath; and by a very handsome gratuity, induced
a surgeon of great eminence to set out immediately for his house, who
arrived early the next morning. But in the mean time poor Main had like
to have paid dear for his superior skill in his profession. The other
surgeon had no sooner got home, than he sent him a challenge, to meet
him that evening, in a field at some distance from the town. They met;
Main had the good fortune, after wounding, to disarm his antagonist, but
first received himself a dangerous wound.
This accident was kept from the knowledge of his mistress; but on the
arrival of the surgeon from Bath, as he would not take off the
dressings, but in the presence of the person who put them on, it was
thought proper that both Mr Main and the other man should be sent for.
The latter was not by any means in a condition to attend; but the
former, though very ill and feverish, desired that he might be carried
to the house. The Bath surgeon having, in his and the brother's
presence, examined the case, declared it as his opinion, that the
complaint might be removed without amputation; adding, that it was owing
to wrong management that the grievance had gone so far. He consulted
with Main, in the presence of the family, as to his intended method of
treating it for the future; he agreed with him intirely, with regard to
the propriety of it; and having assured the friends of the girl, that he
thought him a skilful and ingenious young man, took his leave, being
obliged to return directly home.
The testimony of this gentleman, whose skill was undoubted, and whose
impartiality must be so too, having never seen any of the parties
concerned in his life before, wrought so much upon the brother, that he
did not hesitate to put his sister under the care of her lover.
Poor Main, though scarce able to leave his bed for some time, was
nevertheless carried to his patient every day, at the hazard of his
life. His skill, his tenderness, and his assiduity, were all exerted in
a particular manner on the present occasion; and in less than five weeks
he had the pleasure to see his mistress restored to perfect health.
The consequence of this incident was very happy for them both; the
brother, exceedingly pleased at his whole behaviour, told him, he was an
honest generous fellow; and since he was convinced it was his sister's
person, and not her fortune he was attached to, he would, with all his
heart, bestow both on him; and accordingly Mr Arnold and I had this day
the satisfaction of seeing this worthy young pair united in marriage.
Patty is not a little delighted at her brother's good fortune. The
honest youth, who has ever since his father's death supported his
mother, and as many of the younger children as were not able to gain
their own livelihood, has now invited his sister Patty to live with him;
but the faithful girl declined the offer; telling her bother, she would
never quit me, while I thought her worthy of my regard.
I look upon myself to be much obliged to her for this, as the station
she is now in, cannot be so advantageous as I hoped to make it, when I
first took her into my service; but I will make up in kindness what may
be wanting in profit. Indeed I consider her rather as a friend than a
servant, and Mr Arnold always treats her with respect.
_March 20_
I am very uneasy at not having it in my power to fulfil my promise to
poor Miss Burchell; but that is a string I dare not as yet touch upon.
Indeed I cannot bear any conversation that leads to the subject.
Whenever Mr Arnold begins to accuse himself for his unhappy conduct, in
relation to Mrs Gerrarde, which he often does, I always stop him, or
turn the discourse to something else. He never speaks of her now, but
with a contemptuous indifference; and is so firmly persuaded that she
went off willingly with Mr Faulkland, that I dare not as yet undeceive
him; which I must necessarily do, should I express even a wish that Mr
Faulkland should repair the niece's wrongs by marriage. Mr Arnold knows
nothing of miss Burchell's affair. I went once so far as to say I had
heard Mr Faulkland formerly liked this young lady. Mr Arnold answered, I
am glad it went no farther than liking; if it had, probably I should not
have been so soon delivered from my thraldom to her aunt. This reply
silenced me; I am exceedingly perplexed about it. Would to Heaven Mr
Faulkland would of himself think of doing the amiable unhappy girl
justice My mother writes me word, that Sir George had informed Mr
Faulkland, by letter, of the success of his project; and that his answer
was full of congratulations, and expressions of joy. He is now in Italy;
but talks of returning to England next summer. He says, he hears
sometimes from Pivet, and that he and his wife live very well together.
My mother says she often sees Miss Burchell, and that she encourages her
with the hope of what may happen when Mr Faulkland comes back. If this
match should ever take place, it would give me most sincere
satisfaction. The girl's family is not contemptible; her fortune is
pretty large, her person lovely; the unfortunate false step she made, is
an entire secret, except to the persons immediately concerned; so that
with regard to the world, her character too is good. Mrs Gerrarde, at
worst, was only her aunt by marriage; but if that circumstance should be
the only rub in her way to happiness, I would sooner declare the whole
affair, and run the risk of Mr Arnold's being let into this ticklish
secret, than be a hindrance to the poor young creature's welfare. This
affair never comes a-cross me, but it makes me sigh. God send a
favourable issue to it!
_March 26_
Alas! my Cecilia, we have received most heavy news! My good lord V----,
that stedfast, that worthy, that best of friends, is no more! He was
preparing to go to V---- hall, three days ago, but was seized with an
apoplexy, as he was coming down stairs to go into his coach, and died
before any assistance could reach him. Oh! we have a severe loss in the
death of this most dear and valuable man!--but why do I mention _our_
loss?--his lady--poor lady V---- is almost distracted--and well she
may--the best of husbands, fathers, every thing! His eldest son, who is
abroad, is sent for home on this melancholy occasion--My poor mother is
afflicted exceedingly: every body that knew him must be so. Mr Arnold
and I have lost more than a father. How _self_ recurs every minute; let
me think of lady V---- again, and not dare to complain on my own
account; but my obligations to him were of such a nature, as claim all
my gratitude to his memory, and all the tears that I have abundantly
shed for him.
Mr Arnold is largely in his debt, we have no room to expect the same
friendship from the present lord V----, that we experienced from his
father.
This circumstance did not occur to me till poor Mr Arnold put me in the
mind of it: my thoughts were too much absorbed in grief, which the death
alone of our friend occasioned. My mother hinted at it too, in her
letter to Mr Arnold; for it was to him she wrote the mournful tidings.
What a dark cloud of sorrow is spread over Sidney-castle! and how this
stroke has imbittered our little domestic joys! But let me not carry my
complainings into presumptuous murmurings. I have lost a sincere and
truly valued friend; but do I not still possess infinite blessings? My
husband, my dear Mr Arnold, my two sweet children, the best of mothers,
and thee, my ever-beloved Cecilia, whom I still call mine, though at
such a distance from me.
Then I comfort myself with reflecting that lady V---- has sons, who, I
hope, will be a blessing to her; that her fortune is affluent, and that
my lord had passed through a well-spent life, to a pretty advanced age.
He was turned of sixty. All these considerations sooth my mind, and I
acknowlege, that, upon the whole, I have, by far, more cause to be
thankful, than to repine.
_March 30_
Lady V----'s journey down to V---- hall having been so fatally
prevented, she is obliged to remain in London. The shock she has
received has brought on her a fit of illness. I find my lord has not
left any ready money; his fortune was large, but as they always lived in
great splendor, he laid none of his income by: the whole sum which he
could command, he laid out for our use. My lady's jointure is pretty
considerable; if it were ten times more, she deserves it. Oh, may her
sons prove worthy of such a parent! The youngest I hear is a very fine
youth. He is come to her from Oxford to comfort her, till the arrival of
his elder brother.
My mother writes me word, that her old friend lady Grimston is dead! She
has left her whole fortune to charitable uses: not a sixpence to either
of her daughters. Poor Mrs Vere! She is content with her little income,
and has no loss of so unnatural a parent, who carried her vindictive
spirit with her to the grave. As for the eldest, she did not stand in
need of any assistance from her; but I own, though I had not great
esteem for lady Grimston, I could not help being shocked at the brutal
behaviour of her son-in-law to her in her last hours. She had never seen
either him or her daughter from the time I told you they had quarrelled;
but when she found herself dying, she sent a message to this favourite
daughter, desiring to see her; her husband, whether out of disregard to
the old lady, or his wife, or both, absolutely refused to let her go. My
mother remarks on this passage in these words, 'Thus was this
unfortunate parent punished in kind, for denying her late husband the
satisfaction of seeing his youngest daughter, when he was in the same
circumstances with herself.'
My mother is nevertheless very much troubled for the death of her old
acquaintance; who, she says, was a valuable woman: she considers her
decease as a memento, which warns her of her own approaching end; for
they were just of an age.
I fear my mother is not well, though she does not say so; for she has
put off her coming to Sidney-castle, without giving me a reason for it.
_April 22_
I thank you, my beloved Cecilia, for your cordial wish. Your opinion,
that all my troubles are at an end, is consonant to your desires, but I
doubt far from the real fact. The young lord V---- is returned home; but
oh! how unlike that honest man, whose title and fortune he inherits! How
deceived were his worthy parents in their hopes of him! he is a stranger
to every sentiment of virtue. I have had a letter this day from my lady
V----, wherein she laments the degeneracy of her son, whom they were
made to believe a pattern of excellence: but the tutor to whom they
entrusted him was as profligate as himself. In short, she says he is
quite a reprobate; she has not the least authority or influence over
him; she laments this, particularly on our account; we are indebted to
him near five thousand pounds, and my lady says, she fears he will press
Mr Arnold. He is profuse, she says, in his expences, without being
generous.
What can we do my dear? There is not the least prospect now of our being
able to pay this money, but by selling the only remaining stake we have
left. Had my lord lived, he made us hope that by his interest he could
procure Mr Arnold some employment which would have enabled him to
discharge this debt at his ease, without our being obliged to strip
ourselves of our all. As we purposed living with the utmost oeconomy,
this might have been accomplished in a few years. This prospect is now
lost to us. We must submit. I have begged of Mr Arnold to think
immediately of selling my jointure, for we have no reason to expect any
lenity from a man of such a character as the present lord V---- is. We
can subsist upon the income, which my mother is so good as to allow us:
it is precarious it is true, but something may happen; I rely on that
providence, who has hitherto protected me.
_April 28_
Lady V----'s apprehensions were but too well founded. We have had a
letter from her son's agent. The debt _must_ be paid; and we are come to
a resolution to sell two hundred and fifty pounds a year. We shall then
have but fifty pounds a year in the world which we can call our own! I
reckon not upon my mother's life, these afflictions I fear will hasten
her departure to another world. From Sir George we have nothing to
expect: he is absorbed in vanity; his new alliances engross him
intirely.
My dear lady V---- writes us word, she will do her utmost to promote Mr
Arnold's interest. She has numerous and powerful friends; and says, she
makes no doubt of obtaining something for him worth his acceptance.
Believe me, my Cecilia, I am not disheartened at this fresh blow. If my
dear Mr Arnold could reconcile himself to it, I could be well contented.
I will not now (though you used to accuse me of it) anticipate
misfortunes; we have still enough for the present to live on decently;
and if my lady V----'s kind endeavours should succeed, we may yet be
happily provided for. I will not let the thought of my mother's death
interfere: let me but calm the anxious fears of my poor Mr Arnold, and
all will be well.
_May 12_
Thank God we have done with the merciless lord V----! his money is to be
paid directly to him. I have recovered my tranquility; I enjoy my little
in peace; and have the comfort to see Mr Arnold's mind more at ease, and
reconciled to his lot. To lady V--'s goodness, as well as my own earnest
endeavours, I impute this. She says, she has the promise of an
honourable and a profitable post for him; but we are to wait some months
for it. The person who is now in possession of this place is to be
preferred to a better, and she says, she has the word of an _honest_ man
on the occasion; 'he is a very _great_ man too, says my lady in her
letter, but as it is on the first part of his character chiefly we are
to depend, I mention the other only by the by.'
Now, my dear, have I not reason to be contented? A thankless heart
should I have if I were not; but I am, indeed, my Cecilia, I am; and I
begin again to be happy. Our domestick felicity was but disturbed for a
while, it was not over-thrown.
Here will I close; I have an opportunity of sending this immediately by
a private hand to my beloved.
[_Here Mrs Arnold's maid Patty continues the journal._]
_May 15_
By my lady's orders I take up the pen; and she has charged me to set
down every particular. God knows I am ill able to do it! but I will
strive to obey her. My poor dear lady is in such trouble, she has not
the heart to write, nor scarcely to do any thing.
My master--Oh! madam, how shall I express myself! my poor master, now he
is so good, we are going, I fear, to lose him: I must write, according
to my lady's custom, every thing in the best order I can.
You cannot think, madam, how happy they have lived together ever since
my lady came home to him again. He seemed to grow fonder and fonder of
her every day; I believe he perfectly adored her, and he had reason.
You know, madam, my lady was always used to a chariot; but they never
attempted keeping one since they came down to Sidney-castle. She asked
my master once, if he had a horse quiet enough for her to venture to
ride on to church? I observed my master turned away his face, and put
his handkerchief to his eyes. I believe he thought of a little favourite
pad that he had given to Mrs Gerrarde. I have not one, my love, said he,
that I would trust you on. You had once a pretty horse that you were
fond of, but my desperate folly has not even left you that; but I will
look out for one that will suit you. No matter, my dear, said my lady
smiling, and taking him by the hand, I will ride double, I think that
will suit me best. Dearest of women! said my master (and he fetched a
deep sigh), when shall I be able to make you amends? He lamented hourly
the loss of his fortune for her sake. What will become of you, my
dearest creature, and my two poor children, said he (when he was obliged
to part with her jointure), if I should die before you; and then he
cried, and wrung his hands. My lady begged of him to put such melancholy
thoughts out of his head, saying, they never disturbed her. I hope,
said she, I shall never see your death; but if it pleases God to punish
me so far, a little, a very little, will content me for the rest of my
days. My master embraced her, and the sweet children; and said, if
heaven spared him life, he would yet be the happiest man in the world.
Many a time have I been witness to such discourse between them; for they
knew my love for them was so great, that they would never scruple
talking of their affairs before me. Oh! madam, I believe there was never
a truer penitent than my master. My dear lady has said to me, since they
were forced to sell her jointure, Patty, though we are now reduced to
little more than two hundred pounds a year, I have much more comfort
than when we had twelve. I have the satisfaction of seeing Mr Arnold
such as I wish him; he is an altered man, Patty; he is truly virtuous,
and I am sure he loves me now from right reason. I am content with the
little that is left us.
I always prayed for her prosperity; but, madam, God is pleased to order
things otherwise than we poor silly mortalls think the best. My lady has
always been good and pious, and I hope he will yet bring her out of her
troubles, tho' they are great and many.
My lady always charged me to be minute, and to write particulars; but,
good madam, excuse the silly way I put my words together. I have not yet
come to the dismal part of my story, and I hardly know how to go on, for
indeed I am forced to break off every now and then to cry. Reason enough
I have, to be sure; but what is _my_ sorrow compared to my lady's!
The day before yesterday my master was asked by some gentlemen in our
neighbourhood to go a hunting: he had no mind to go, for my lady was not
very well, and he was unwilling to leave her; but she persuaded him,
because she knew he loved hunting dearly; she has blamed herself for it
ever since, but she could not know by enchantment what was to happen. He
left my lady in bed, and went out about five o'clock in the morning. At
eight, as my lady was sitting at breakfast, and I attending, the other
maid called me out. Our man, who had gone abroad with my master, was in
the kitchen, and looked as pale as death. I asked him what was the
matter? The poor fellow could hardly speak; but at last said, my master
has got a desperate fall in leaping a ditch, and I am afraid has hurt
his skull: he is lying at farmer Hill's cottage, and one of the
gentleman is rid off for a surgeon; but that is no place for him, we
must get him home: but I thought it best to prepare my lady before she
sees him. My lady rung her bell before I could answer him; I ran in,
but I am sure I looked like a ghost, for my lady started when she saw
me. Bless me! Patty, said she, what is the matter? Has any thing
happened to your master? Not much Madam, said I. He is killed she cried,
and sprung out of her chair. Indeed he is not, Madam, I answered,
standing between her and the door; but he has got a fall, and is a
little hurt. She made me no answer, but flew down stairs, out at the
front door, and down the avenue as quick as an arrow. I ran after her,
and the other servants after me; we could not overtake her; but she was
soon stopped, for she met my poor master borne by four men. I suppose
she thought he was dead, for she fainted away directly, and we carried
her in after him.
My master was put to-bed; he was alive, but not able to speak. He had
got a dreadful cut in his head, and was sadly bruised besides.
As soon as my lady came to herself, we told her my master was not
killed. She went into his room, but had not power to speak, but sat like
a stone statue at his bed-side. The surgeon came in less than half an
hour. I believe he is but a sorry one; for after he had dressed the
wound, he said there was no danger in it. At first we were all in hopes
that it was so; for about two o'clock my master got his speech again; he
complained of sickness at his stomach, and violent pains all over him.
My lady, on hearing him speak, seemed to be rouzed as if out of a deep
sleep. Several of the gentlemen, who had been out with my master, had
come to enquire how he did; and though some of them came into his
chamber, my mistress did not speak, nor seem to regard any of them. The
first word she uttered was to call me; Patty, said she, what is the
reason I do not see Mr Main here? It was my brother she meant, who is a
surgeon; and I believe, madam, she has mentioned him to you, as one that
is reckoned pretty skilful in his business. One of the gentlemen
immediately said, by all means let him be sent for directly. My brother
was soon fetched, and he thought proper to bleed my master in the arm.
He would not take the dressings off his head, as the other surgeon had
declared the skull was not touched; but said, he would be present when
the wound was dressed the next day; and would watch all night by my
master.
My lady was not to be removed from the bed-side, nor could we persuade
her to take any sustenance the whole day. My poor master was in a high
fever all night; and I thought he strove to stifle his groans, that my
lady might not hear them. She did for all that; and I am sure every one
of them was worse than a dagger to her heart. She stole out of the room
several times for a minute, and I could hear her bursting into tears as
soon as she was without side the door; then she would come in again, and
sit by him, till her heart was again so full, she was forced to go out
to give it vent. The whole night passed over in this dismal way.
When my master's head was examined the next day, my brother found that
the skull was not touched where he had received the cut, but that it was
broke in two other places, and in so dangerous a way, that it was
impossible to save his life, as it was not in a part where he could be
trepanned. The other surgeon, who found he had been mistaken at first,
now joined with my brother in opinion that the world could not save my
master's life. Oh! madam, if you had seen my lady when this was declared
to her! I shall never forget her looks. I remember a piece of fine
painting at your house, which I used to hear your family commend
mightily. It was the picture of despair. My lady put me in mind of this
piece; she had the very countenance of it; but I think, if she had then
sat to a painter, he could have made a stronger and more heart-breaking
look even than that picture has.
Such another dismal day and night I believe never was passed in this
house. My brother staid with us, though he could do but little service,
except to watch my poor master, for he was between whiles quite out of
his reason--
No rest did my lady take all last night. She could not be got out of the
room; she has tasted nothing these two days, nor slept a wink these two
nights--She will destroy herself--What will become of us?--I have wrote
to my lady Bidulph, to let her know the deplorable condition we are all
in--My God! what will become of the poor children, if my lady goes on at
this rate! She cannot hold out to be sure, such a load of sorrow at her
heart, without nourishment or sleep--Oh! my good madam, I am not able to
go on with my task--We have not the least hopes in the world--My master
grows worse and worse every hour: he has his reason now, and is sensible
that he is dying. Heaven knows, if I could lay down my life to save his,
how gladly would I do it! I should be no loss, but he will be a grievous
one--
Lord help me! I am not able to go on--I have writ this by bits and
scraps--
[_Mr Main in continuation_].
_May 16, Three o'clock in the Morning._
Mr Arnold had been delirious the greatest part of yesterday; but about
six o'clock in the evening, having come a little to his senses, he was
conscious that he was going fast, and desired that prayers might be read
by him. His lady sent for the minister of the parish, but he was gone to
London: the gentleman whom he had left to do his duty, was taken ill the
night before, and was not able to leave his bed. He sent the messager
that went for him, to another clergyman, who lived about four miles
farther off, to request he would attend in his stead; but he was engaged
on the same duty in his own parish, and could not come, he said, till
next morning. The servant had wasted above two hours on this errand; it
was nine o'clock when he returned. Mr Arnold during this interval had
had several ramblings; but was now again a little composed, though
apparently worse. I whispered the apothecary, who just then came in,
that he could not live 'till morning. Mrs Arnold observed me, and begged
to know what I said. I told her tenderly, that I feared Mr Atkins (that
was the clergyman's name) would arrive too late, if he deferred his
visit 'till next day.
She made me no answer, but seemed to study a little; then went
composedly to Mr Arnold's bed-side. My dear, said she, Mr Downs is
unluckily from home; his assistant is sick in bed; and we cannot tonight
get any other clergyman to visit you: but as you are desirous of
offering up your prayers to Almighty God, I hope it will not be improper
if I read the service for the sick by you. He stretched out his hand
towards her, and said, in a faint, yet eager voice, Do, do, my good
angel! Tears stood in the lady's eyes as she turned from him; but she
quickly wiped them off, and requested of me and the apothecary to join
with her in the solemn office she was going to perform, which she said,
though she was sensible it was an irregular act, yet she hoped, from the
necessity of the case, would be accepted in the sight of God.
She ordered my sister to fetch her a prayer-book; and then kneeled down
at Mr Arnold's bed-side.
Surely nothing ever appeared so graceful; her fine hands and her fine
eyes lifted up to heaven, while the book lay open before her on a little
table. Such a reverential, such an ardent, yet such a mournful
supplication in those fine eyes! She looked like something more than
human! After having in this posture offered up a short petition in
silence, she began the service.
Never did I see true devotion before; the fervor of her looks, and the
tone of her voice was such, you would have thought she beheld her
Creator with her bodily eyes. For my part, I looked on her with such
reverence, that she appeared to me like an angel, interceding for us
poor mortal sinners.
She went through the office with admirable strength of mind (omitting
the exhortation) 'till she came to that part of the prayer, which says,
'yet for as much as in all appearance the time of his dissolution
draweth nigh, &c'. Here her voice faultered, and she stopped; but soon
recovered herself, and proceeded with an unbroken tone to the end. Every
one present wept but herself. She thanked us for our kindness in
staying, and begged we would continue by poor Mr Arnold, while there was
the least possibility of administering any relief to him.
I told her I would most willingly obey her commands, and sit up all the
night with him, though it was not in human power to give him any
assistance.
She repeated her thanks, and then sitting down by the bed-side, remained
composed and silent.
About twelve o'clock, finding Mr Arnold speechless, I entreated her to
retire to her own chamber, and if she could not sleep, to take some
little refreshment; for she had taken nothing that whole day, nor for
the two preceding ones, but a dish of tea which my sister had forced on
her.
Mr Main, said she, suffer me to continue a little longer; my task will
soon be over. I was unwilling to urge her; and she remained sitting in
her place.
About two o'clock, we heard Mr Arnold give a deep groan: He is gone,
said she, and started off her chair. I stepped to his bed-side, and
found indeed he had breathed his last. She snatched up one of his hands
that lay upon the coverlid of the bed, held it for near a minute to her
lips, and then, without any audible token of grief, went out of the
room.
I pray God to support and comfort this excellent woman.
[_Patty in continuation_].
Amen! Amen!--Sure my dear unhappy lady is enough to break one's heart to
see her. I was not able to go on, good madam, and begged of my brother
to set down what happened, and he has put it in better words than I
could. My lady shut herself up for the remainder of the night, and would
not suffer any one to come near her; it is easy to guess how she spent
her time: rest, to be sure, she took none; she could not, if she had
been inclined; for there was no bed in the chamber where she locked
herself up. In the morning, a lady, who is our neighbour, a worthy good
woman, came in her own coach, and took away my lady and the two
children. She neither consented nor refused; but seemed to let us do
what we would with her; for she said nothing, but suffered the lady and
me to lead her down stairs, and put her into the coach. But the sight of
the two children, threw her into such an agony, that I thought I should
have died on the spot only with seeing her.
I have writ again to lady Bidulph: if she is able, to be sure she will
come down; but I had rather she would send for my lady, for this is a
sorrowful place for her to stay in.
_May 20_
My lady has received a message from her mother, desiring her to come to
town directly with the children. She says she is not able to come down
for her, as her health is but bad; and my lady V---- has been so good as
to send down her own coach to carry the little family to town.
My brother has taken the care of my master's funeral upon himself. He is
to be carried to the family burying place at Arnold-Abbey. As soon as
that is over, we must try to get my lady to town; she has no business to
go into her own lonely house again; it would be enough to kill her.
_May 30_
Thank God we have got back safe to London. My lady keeps up wonderfully,
under the load of grief that she has at her heart. She does not complain
nor lament herself, as I have seen some do, who have not been in half
her trouble. She hardly spoke a word during her whole journey, and
strove as much as possible not to cry; but I could observe that she
never turned her eyes on the two little babes, one of whom sat on my
lap, and the other beside me, but the tears ran down her cheeks.
It was a doleful sight, the meeting between her and my lady Bidulph. The
poor old lady grieves sadly, and looks mighty ill: I am afraid she will
not hold out long; she has had great trials, for a lady so far in
years. Sir George came to see my lady; he looked troubled: I hope he
will be good to her.
_June 1_
My lady asked me this morning if I had thought of keeping any journal
for this fortnight past. I told her I had, and she desired to see it.
She shed so many tears while she read it, that the paper was quite wet
when she gave it to me again. She ordered me to make up the packet, and
send it off, as she was not in a condition to add any thing to it
herself.
[_Mrs Arnold in continuation_].
_June 20_
Yes, my dear Cecilia, I have need of the tender condolements, with which
your last packet was filled. Well may you call me a child of affliction;
I am now so exercised in sorrows, that I look forward to nothing else.
Patty, I find, has been a faithful journalist; and has carried down her
melancholy narrative to this day: this day, on which, for the first
time, I have taken a pen in my hand for more than two months; but my
eyes are much better, and I hope I shall not have occasion for the
assistance of her pen, unless some new calamity should again disqualify
me from using my own.
Yet in the midst of my griefs, ought I not to return thanks to heaven,
that I have such an asylum to fly to, as the arms of one of the best of
mothers? Oh! my dear, while I have her, I ought not to say, that I have
lost every thing. Sir George has been more obliging since my fatal loss
than he was before; but still there wants that cordial heart which he
formerly had. As for his lady, I know very little of her. She came to
see me twice since my arrival in town, in all the formal parade of a
state visit. How ill does the vanity of pomp suit with a house of
mourning! Her visits were short, formal, and cold. She seems to be
intolerably proud, and I thought looked as if she was disgusted at
visiting people in lodgings, who were so nearly related to her. My
brother and she are to go down this summer into Scotland, to see a
nobleman who is her uncle by her mother's side. She is ridiculously vain
of her family, and has taught Sir George to be so too; so that now he
hardly vouchsafes to own a relation that is untitled.
_June 21_
Lady V----, whose friendship has been one of the chief resources of
comfort to me, went out of town this morning. She is retired, for life I
fear, to a distant part of Lancashire, in order to spend the rest of her
days with her eldest sister, a widow lady, of whom she is very fond. Her
son's ill behaviour has disgusted her so, she has broke with him
intirely. Her younger son is gone into the army, not, I find, with her
approbation: and she told me, she has nothing now worth living for, at
least nothing for which she should subject herself to the cares of life.
She insisted on my corresponding with her; and renewed her assurances of
that kind attachment, which I have already so strongly experienced.
At another time the loss of this dear woman's society would have
affected me more sensibly; but I am so inured to disappointment and
grief, that I am almost become a stoic.
Patty has already informed you, that Miss Burchell is often with us; she
is more sollicitous, more assiduous than ever in her attendance on my
mother. I find she even sat up with her two nights, on an illness which
seized her on her first hearing the news of my misfortune. Poor girl! My
mother tells me she went so far as to express her apprehensions on my
being again single; but my mother quieted her fears on that head (not
without a soft reprimand for her doubting), by putting her in mind, that
besides the circumstances not being altered in regard to her, she had
received my solemn promise, that, whenever it was in my power, I would
use my whole influence (whatever that might be) in her favour. I did
make her such a promise, and shall fulfil it to the utmost.
Mr Faulkland's absence from the kingdom hitherto put it out of my power;
nor would I, without my beloved Mr Arnold's participation, have ever
attempted it. Had he lived, fully restored as I was to his confidence
and good opinion, I should have ventured to disclose the secret to him,
and got him to join with me in such measures, as I should have thought
best for Miss Burchell's happiness. It now rests upon myself alone, and
I will leave nothing unattempted to serve her.
_June 22_
You will be surprized perhaps, my Cecilia, when I tell you that Mr
Faulkland is now in England. Miss Burchell told me so this day. She
mentioned it in a careless manner, rather directing her discourse to my
mother. She had too much delicacy to hint at consequences of any kind
from this circumstance, and quickly turned from the subject. My mother
asked her impatiently, when he came; where he was; and several other
questions; to none of which she could give any answer, but that she
heard he had been returned above three months and was at his seat in
Hertfordshire. I am surprized Sir George never mentioned this to me: to
be sure he knew it; he is not extremely nice in his notions; however,
this is a decorum for which I am obliged to him. Lady V---- doubtless
was ignorant of it, or she would have told me.
There is nothing now to prevent me from warmly interfering for Miss
Burchell. Charming young woman! how is she to be pitied! The tedious
years of suspence, of almost hopeless love, that she has passed, deserve
a recompence; and her little boy, my mother tells me, is a lovely
creature. Miss Burchell brought him once to see my mother; Mr
Faulkland's former house-keeper visits the child often, and has brought
his mother frequent and large supplies for his use.
I told Miss Burchell, at parting to-day, that I had not forgot my
promise; and that, as soon as decency would permit, nothing should
hinder me from being a most strenuous advocate for her. She squeezed my
hand, and whispered, dear madam, my fate is in your power!
I would it were, then should she soon be happy. But I will acquit myself
as far as I am able.
_June 23_
I was prevailed on to dine at my brother's to-day, the first time that I
have been abroad ever since I came to town. I had no mind to go; but my
mother, not being well, had excused herself; and she said, it would be
taken amiss if I did so too, lady Sarah herself having made the
invitation. Her ladyship said, I need not be fearful of meeting
strangers at her house, as it was to be a private day. So much the
better, thought I; nothing else should induce me to go.
It was the first time I ever was in Sir George's house, which is a very
magnificent one, within a door or two of Mr Faulkland's, in St
James's-Square, as lady Sarah did not approve of that which he had
before. But, my dear, the ostentation of this woman made me sick; such a
parade of grandeur, such an unnecessary display of state and splendor, I
thought, looked like an insult upon me. I was carried into a most
sumptuous drawing-room; but as this was a private day, as she called
it, the furniture was all covered up with body-cloths; and the room,
having been newly washed, felt extremely cold.
I was told her ladyship was dressing, though it was then, as I imagined,
her dinner-time. After I had shivered here for about half an hour, lady
Sarah's woman came to desire me to walk up stairs. As the woman did not
know me, and, from the little ceremony she saw me treated with,
concluded I was some humble visitor, she took me up the back stairs to
her lady's dressing-room, where I found lady Sarah, who was not yet half
dressed, in consultation with her millener. The woman was trying some
head-dresses on her before the glass. She made me a very slight apology
for having kept me waiting so long; and, to mend the matter, told me, as
she was not near ready, if I chose looking at the house, I should have
time enough to do it before dinner. I thanked her; but said, I had
already sat so long in the cold, that I felt myself chilled; and, with
her ladyship's permission, would place myself at her fire-side till
dinner was ready. She asked her woman, carelessly, why I had not been
shewn into the dining-parlour. She then turned to her millener again, to
whom she gave a particular charge to have a suit of very rich point,
which she had fixed on, done up for her against the next night; by which
I found my sister was going to throw off her mourning intirely; that
which she had on being so slight, that it was scarcely to be
distinguished for such.
My brother entered the room while she was thus employed; and having
saluted me, looked at his watch, and asked lady Sarah, had she ordered
dinner later than usual? She told him, she had ordered it half an hour
later than ordinary, as she had a mind to make a long morning, having
dedicated it to trades-people, with whom she had a hundred things to
settle. My brother cast a side-glance at me: I thought he looked a
little abashed at the impertinence and ill-breeding of his wife.
Lady Sarah had by this time huddled on her cloaths: a laced footman
appeared at the door, who summoned us, by a silent bow, to dinner.
The millener gathered up her frippery, and put them into a band-box;
telling her, she would wait on her ladyship again. Lady Sarah answered,
You have got a monstrous way to go, Mrs--(I forget the name); and, as I
have not half done with you yet, you may stay and dine here, as we are
alone, and I will look over the rest of the things in the evening, as I
shall not have another leisure day while I am in town.
This was going a little too far: Sir George felt it. I believe, lady
Sarah, said he, this gentlewoman has a coach waiting for her at the door
(he had seen it, for he was but just come in); perhaps it may be
inconvenient to detain her: she may leave the things, and call another
time. The woman took the hint, though she before seemed inclined to
accept of the honour lady Sarah had done her. She made her curt'sey, and
withdrew. As this, however, had brought on a variety of fresh
instructions, it detained us so long, that the dinner was quite cold;
nor was our repast, had it even been warm, by any means answerable to
the elegance of the service, the superb sideboard, and the number of
attendants. In short, the dinner was composed of a parcel of tossed-up
dishes, that looked like the fragments of a feast. You know there is
nobody more indifferent to the pleasures of the table than I am; yet I
own that this, joined to the rest of this foolish woman's behaviour,
nettled me extremely. There was such a mixture of sordidness and vanity
in the whole apparatus, as made it truly contemptible.
I made haste to put an end to my visit, as soon as I possibly could
after dinner, with a resolution never to repeat it.
From these few sketches of lady Sarah, you may form some kind of an idea
of what sort of creature it is. I should pity Sir George, but that I
think her disposition is not extremely opposite to his own.
_June 24_
I am told that the widow Arnold is actually married to that vile
attorney who was the contriver, and more than partner, in her
iniquity. I am really glad she has lost the name of a family to which
she was a disgrace. Every-body now believes that I and my children
have been greatly injured; but how unavailing is compassion; it only
mortifies, when it is expressed by the pitying words and looks of
people, who have it neither in their power nor inclination to assist
you. This Mrs Arnold, bad as she is, is visited and caressed. Favour
always follows the fortunate.
_June 25_
This day Sir George and his lady set out for Scotland. He came to
take his leave of us; but made an apology for lady Sarah, whose hurry
would not permit her to call on us. My brother says, they shall stay
some months at her uncle's, Lord K----. He told me, at parting, he
should write to me as soon as he got to his journey's end, having
something very particular to say to me.
_July 7_
I have read over my journal of the last fortnight, and am startled to
think what a poor insignificant being I am! Not a single act worth
recording, even to _you_. My whole life perhaps may have passed so; yet
one is apt to fancy, that they are doing something of importance, while
they are engaged in the little bustle of the world, be it in ever so
trifling a manner; and when you find you have a variety of incidents to
relate, in which you yourself were concerned, that your time has not
been spent in vain. But for these last fourteen days, had I kept a
journal for my cat, I think I should have had as much to say for her.
_July 8_
I shall grow busy again: I have received the promised letter from Sir
George; an extraordinary one it is: but I will not anticipate the
contents; read them yourself.
Dear Sidney, _July 4, 1706._
I have a serious subject to offer to your consideration, which
made me the rather chuse to engage your attention in this manner,
than in a conversation between ourselves; liable as that would be
to interruptions, objections, and frivolous punctilios, from which
you have already suffered so severely.
I have paid so much regard to that decorum of which you are so
fond, as never to have mentioned Mr Faulkland's name to you since
you were become a widow, though it is near four months since he
returned to England.
As I kept up a correspondence with him when he was abroad, you may
be sure I informed him of your reconciliation to your late
husband; a reconciliation, which, if you thought it a happiness to
you, you were indebted to Faulkland for. This single circumstance
it was that inclined him to return to England, which otherwise
perhaps he would never again have seen, though the necessity of
his affairs here, which he had left at random, required his
presence. To avoid giving umbrage to your husband, he repaired
privately to his house in the country, where I paid him a visit.
Few of his friends, except myself, knew of his being in the
kingdom.
Remember, Sidney, the great obligations you have to Mr Faulkland,
and let that prepare your mind for what I am going to say.
You are now become a free woman: Faulkland loves you still, with
an unparallel'd affection. I had a letter from him soon after your
arrival in town, wherein he mentions the revival of his hopes from
your present situation, and intreats me to be mindful of his
interest. He charged me, however, not to mention his name to you,
till a decent time was passed; otherwise probably you would have
been acquainted with these particulars sooner: but Faulkland
himself has a little too much of that ridiculous nicety which you
admire so. I think I have waited till a _very_ decent time, as you
have now been almost three months a widow.
I have very little reason to imagine that _my_ influence, on this
occasion, will have any weight either with you or my mother: I
have had proofs of this already; but I hope you will not be so
blind to your own interest, as to refuse the good that fortune
once more throws at your feet. I can hardly suppose you so weak,
as to let the absurd objection, which formerly prevented your
happiness, still prevail with you to reject the same happiness, so
unexpectedly again offered to your acceptance.
My mother and you have by this time learnt how to forgive _human
frailties_. Indeed you forgave such enormities, that Faulkland's
transgression, in comparison of them, was innocence. But I will
not reproach the memory of the dead.
Whatever pretence you might formerly have had to carry your
punctilios to an extraordinary height, certain circumstances in
your life have now made your situation very different. You are
destitute of fortune, incumbered with children. Reflect on this,
and let your own imagination supply the rest. To any-body but
yourself, I should think all that I have said needless; but I know
the minds that I have to deal with.
I must take this opportunity of telling you, that I am surprized
at my mother's continued attachment to Miss Burchell; she is an
artful creature, and, I think, by no means a proper acquaintance
for you. I am far from wishing to injure her; but such an intimacy
may be dangerous.
You will certainly hear from Faulkland before it be long. I repeat
it again, You owe him more than ever you will be able to repay:
the recompence he deserves will ensure your own happiness and
prosperity: your gratitude, as well as your prudence, will now be
put to the test, and your conduct, on this occasion, will
determine me as to the light in which I shall henceforth consider
you.
Present my duty to my mother. Lady Sarah desires her service may
be accepted.
I am, &c.
What a letter is this, my sister! But Sir George is still himself;
gross; void of sentiment: he dreams of nothing but the glaring
advantages that fortune and rank in life procure. And how he argues
too! Weak arguer! He _will not suppose that the objection_ (absurd
he calls it), _which formerly prevented my happiness, should still
prevail with me to reject the same happiness_--Why not? Is the
nature of Mr Faulkland's offence changed? Has he ever repaired it?
Has not Miss Burchell the same claim she ever had? Nay, a stronger
than ever, if years of unabated love can give it her? _My mother and
I have by this time learnt to forgive human frailties; nay, we forgave
enormities_--Unkind brother, to rake up the unfortunate ashes of my
beloved. We have, indeed, learnt to forgive human frailties; but they
were the frailties of a husband, a repenting husband, who was seduced to
the commission of those crimes which he abhorred: but surely that is no
plea for my overlooking the faults of another, to whom I am under no
such tie. I am now _without fortune, and incumbered with children_.
Indelicate man! does he think _that_ an argument in favour of his
proposal? It is a strong one against it. Shall I, who, when I was in the
virgin-bloom of youth, flattered with some advantages of person, which
time and grief have since impaired, and not destitute of fortune; I, who
then rejected Mr Faulkland from motives which still subsist; shall I,
now that I have lost those advantages, meanly condescend to accept of
this rejected man? This would, indeed, be acknowleging, that the
humiliating change had levelled me to those principles which I formerly
contemned; would lay me under mortifying obligations to Mr Faulkland,
and destroy the merit of that refusal which proceeded from such
justifiable motives.
No, my sordid brother! if I _could_ recompence Mr Faulkland as he
deserves at my hands, I _would_ do it; but, with such a mind as I bear,
it cannot be done your way. I say nothing of the promise I made Miss
Burchell; if I had never made her such, my sentiments would be the same
from those other considerations; but such a promise, binding as it is,
determined my conduct beyond the possibility of a doubt.
How unreasonable are Sir George's prejudices with regard to this unhappy
young creature! He is for ever throwing out some invective against her.
It is cruel; but I am tempted to forgive him, as I know it proceeds from
his attachment to his friend. He need not put me in mind of the
gratitude I owe Mr Faulkland; I am thoroughly sensible of it; but Sir
George and I differ widely in our ideas of expressing this gratitude. My
_conduct in this affair is to determine him as to the light in which he
is hereafter to consider me_. Why, be it so. He has long lost the
tenderness of a brother for me; I will not regain it at the expence of
my honour. I know the worst that can befall me is poverty. I have
already experienced almost every possible ill in life but that, and for
that I am prepared. But I will not call myself poor while I have an
upright heart to support me; and the means, poor and despicable as they
are, of sustaining life. But what do I call despicable? Have I not an
estate, my dear, a whole fifty pounds a year, that I can call my own?
This much was reserved to me out of my jointure when the rest was sold;
and on this, whenever it pleases heaven to take my mother away, will I
retire to some cottage in a cheap country, where my two children and I
will live, and smile at the rich and the great.
My brother's letter has vexed and disgusted me exceedingly. _Lady Sarah
presents her service._ Vain woman! is that a becoming phrase to the
mother of her husband? I am so provoked, I think I shall not answer him:
he has no relish for such arguments as I could produce in support of my
own opinions, and my writing to him would only bring on disagreeable
altercations. My mother is in a downright passion with him: Selfish
wretch! she called him; and said, he would sacrifice both honour and
justice to his own pride.
_July 19_
Miss Burchell; poor soul, how I pity her! Her anxiety increases every
hour. She, you may be sure, keeps a look-out on all Mr Faulkland's
motions; for, she tells me, she hears he is arrived in town. I suppose I
shall receive a notice of some kind or other from him. The unhappy
girl; she grieves me to see her! There was never so extravagant a love
as her's: she has nourished it in solitude, and I believe has a heart
naturally tender to an uncommon degree; otherwise she could not,
for so long a time, and with so little hopes, have preserved so
undiminished a fondness; but some accidents have, I know not how,
combined to feed this flame. She acknowleges that Mr Faulkland's
being disappointed in espousing me, gave the first encouragement to
her hopes; for, she said, she had reason to believe that I was the only
woman in the world that stood between her and her happiness; and
Mr Faulkland's remaining single ever since, confirmed her in that
opinion. Then the generous attention that he paid to her welfare, in
recommending her to my mother's notice, when he first left England;
the noble supplies that he constantly furnished her with ever since for
the child's use; his behaviour to Mrs Gerrarde, who, she says, is the
most ensnaring of creatures; the tender manner that he mentioned
her in his letter to my brother; my mother's constantly indulging her
in the belief that she would one day recover Mr Faulkland's
affections: all these circumstances, I say, joined together, have kept
alive the warmest and most romantic love I ever saw or heard of. Well
may the men say, that forsaken women are always the most passionate
lovers: it may be so, and Miss Burchell is one instance of the truth of
this observation; but I think _I_ should never make another. There is
something to me unaccountable in this; but Miss Burchell is all made
up of languishments and softness. I have heard her speak of Mr
Faulkland in so rapturous a strain as has amazed me; and she once
owned to me, that she is sure she must have died, if he had not
returned her love! Return it! Ah! my Cecilia, how did he return it?
How mortifying is her situation! to be compelled to court the man
who flies her, and to make use of a rival's mediation too! but let me
forget that name; I am no longer so to her, and shall do my best to
prove it. She wearied me with importunities to write to Mr
Faulkland, now he is come to town; but I beseeched her to have a
little patience, till some overture was first made by him toward a
renewal of our acquaintance, which, I told her, it was very probable I
should soon receive. You may be sure I took care not to let her know
of the intimation I had from Sir George. She seems fearful of my
seeing Mr Faulkland. Oh! madam, said she, if he beholds your face
again, I am undone, unless you can first prevail with him--She
stopped. 'I understand you, dear Miss Burchell; I give you my word I
will not see Mr Faulkland, unless I am first convinced I can restore
him to you.' 'How good you are, madam! your influence, all potent as
it is, can work miracles. If Mr Faulkland is _sure_ you will never be his,
perhaps he may return to his _first_ love.' My dear, ought she to have
said so? But it is no matter; it is nothing to me now, who was his first
or second love.
_July 20_
It has happened to my wish; a billet from Mr Faulkland, sent with
compliments and how-do-ye's, to my mother and me. Miss Burchell,
who almost lives with us, was present when I received it: her colour
came and went several times while our servant delivered his message.
I gave the letter into her hand as soon as I had read it. There is
nothing alarming in it, madam, said I; see yourself; only a few
friendly lines, such as I might expect. Her hands shook while she
held the paper. Now, madam, said she, returning it; now you have a
charming opportunity of writing to him. I shall not fail, said I, to
make use of it, and will let you see what I write.
These are the contents of Mr Faulkland's letter:
Will you, madam, permit a forgotten, though not the least zealous
of your friends, to enquire after your welfare? Forgive me, if I
renew your grief, when I tell you, that, as I must participate in
every thing that relates to you, I have deeply mourned with you on
the late calamity that has befallen you. When Lady Bidulph opens
her doors to her general acquaintance; if I may presume to mingle
in the crowd, and kiss her hands, I shall esteem it as a
particular honour; but will not, without her permission, attempt
it. She is too good to refuse me this indulgence: you, madam, I
hope, will not forbid it to
The humblest, and
most devoted of your servants,
_Wednesday ORLANDO FAULKLAND.
morning._
Yes, Orlando, I must forbid you; I know the consequences of thy
insidious visits. I'll try you to the quick. You have given me an
opportunity of writing to you (I think) without any impropriety. Miss
Burchell's interest is uppermost in my wishes, and I will at least try
what my influence on this romantic wayward heart can effect.
How happy should I think myself, if _my_ mediation, _all potent_ as she
called it, would have the desired success!
_July 21_
I wrote to Mr Faulkland last night: my mother approved of the letter,
which I shewed her before I sent it. Mr Faulkland was abroad when
it was left at his house; but as I received an answer to it early this
morning, I will give you copies of the two letters together; and first
that of mine to Mr Faulkland.
I thank you, sir, thank you from my heart, for your friendship,
and beg you will not think me ungrateful for having thus long
deferred to pay you my acknowlegements for the signal favours I
have received at your hands. I am sensible, Sir, that it was owing
to your compassion, your generosity, and disinterested nobleness
of mind, that I was once indebted for the greatest blessing of my
life. To you I owe the vindicating of my suspected faith, and the
being restored to the affection of my dear husband. For this
goodness I have never ceased to bless and pray for you, and shall
continue to do so while I live. But oh! Sir, while you have given
_me_ so much cause for gratitude and esteem, why will you leave
one heart to sigh for your unkindness? a heart that admires, that
loves, that adores you! a heart worthy of your acceptance, and
which has a right to demand all your tenderness. Need I name the
amiable possessor of this heart? I need not; there is but one
woman in the world who owns this description: for her let me
become an advocate; she has won me to her party: indeed. Sir, she,
and she only, deserves your love. Her's, I am sure, you have ever
possessed unrivalled, though her youth, beauty, and charming
accomplishments, must have made her the object of every one's
wishes who saw her. 'Tis above four years since you first won her
virgin affections. What has been her portion since that fatal
time? Tears, solitude, and unremitting anguish. How can a mind
like yours, susceptible as it is of pity for the woes of others,
condemn _such_ a woman to perpetual sorrow? How can that
generosity, which has been so active on other occasions, droop and
languish where there is _such_ a cause to call forth all its
exertions?
Do, Mr Faulkland, permit pity to plead in your bosom for the dear
Miss Burchell. I should urge paternal affection too; but to the
voice of nature you cannot be deaf. Your sweet little son calls
upon you to do him and his mother justice; the injured lady
herself implores your compassion; my mother, who equally admires
and loves her, intreats you; I, whom you once esteemed, conjure
you; the secret monitor in your own soul must join in our
sollicitations. Why, then, why will you shut your ears against
the united voice of reason, of conscience, and of gratitude? You
cannot, you will not do it. Miss Burchell's merit and sufferings
must be rewarded; and I shall bless Mr Faulkland as the guardian
of the injured, the patron of the afflicted, the assertor of his
own, as well as of my honour. This is the light, and this only, in
which I shall rejoice to see him.
_Mr_ FAULKLAND's _Answer_
You do well, Madam, you do well to anticipate my suit; and, with
so much cruel eloquence, to bid me despair. Yes, I see Miss
Burchell has won you to her party; but what have I done to merit
such a malevolent fate, that you, you of all created beings,
should become _her_ advocate? I little thought Mrs Arnold would
make such a barbarous use of her power. Tell me, thou dear tyrant,
how have I deserved this? Would it not have been kinder to have
said at once, Faulkland, do not hope; I never will be yours; I
hate, I despise you, and leave you to your fate? Oh! no; you are
artful in your cruelty; you would prevent even my wishes, and cut
off my hopes in their blossom, before they dare to unfold
themselves to you.
But you have furnished me with weapons against yourself, and I
will use them with as little mercy as you have shewn to me. If
four years are past since I won Miss Burchell's affections, is it
not also _as_ long that I have loved you with an ardor--Oh thou
insensible! Were you not mine by your own consent, with your
mother's approbation? Was not the day, the hour fixed, that I was
to have led you to the altar? Miss Burchell's hopes were never
raised to such a pitch as mine, when an avenging fiend snatched
the promised blessing from my grasp. Think what were then my
sufferings. I saw you afterwards in the arms of another. Miss
Burchell never suffered _such_ torture. Had I seen you _happy_, I
might have been consoled. If Miss Burchell loved me as I have
loved you, she would rejoice in the prospect of my felicity. I
should have done so in your's, Heaven is my witness! Had you been
happy, I should not have thought myself miserable, though you were
lost to my hopes.
Why do you compel me to urge an ungrateful truth in regard to Miss
Burchell? Madam, she has no claim to my vows: my gratitude, my
compassion, she has an ample right to, and she has them. More
might by this time have been her's, if I had never seen Mrs
Arnold.
Remember, I do not yet desire permission to throw myself at your
feet; I revere you too much to make such a request; but do not
banish me your presence. I cannot always be proof against such
rigours. Indulge me at least in the hope that time may do
something in my favour. I will not desire you to tell me so; but
do not forbid it. Lady Bidulph knows I respect her; but she is
still obdurate. If _she_ relented, would not _you_ madam, do so
too?
I am, &c.
How this man distresses me, my dear! What a difficult task have I
undertaken! yet I will go through with it. I am fearful of letting Miss
Burchell see his answer, so discouraging as it is for her; yet how can I
withhold it from her sight? 'Tis necessary I should conceal nothing from
her on this occasion; she confides in me, and I must not give her cause
for suspicion. _She has no right to his vows._ This he always said. It
is necessary the lady should be quite explicit with me. I doubt she has
not been altogether sincere in what she has said to my mother on this
subject. I shall see her presently, and discourse with her more
particularly on this head than I have ever yet done....
I have had a conference with Miss Burchell, a long one, and in private;
for I told my mother I wished to talk with her alone.
I began with shewing her Mr Faulkland's last letter. It had the effect I
expected. She was exceedingly shocked. I laid my finger on that
paragraph, _She has no right to my vows_. It is necessary, my dear
madam, said I, that you should be perfectly open and candid with me on
this head. I have entered the lists for you, and will not give up your
cause; but it depends on you to furnish me with every possible argument
in your favour. If you mislead me by wrong insinuations, instead of
putting it in my power to serve you, you will only create to yourself
fresh obstacles.
It is a nice subject, madam, and what I have ever been cautious of
touching upon to you; but in the present situation of your affairs, it
is of the utmost importance to you, that you should have no reserves to
me. When Mr Faulkland first recommended you to my mother's acquaintance,
he referred her to your honour, for an explanation of certain points, of
so delicate a nature, that I am loath to touch upon them. But pardon me,
dear Miss Burchell, you must be open with me. Mr Faulkland was obliged
to declare, in his own justification, that he never sought to gain your
affections; and was so far from endeavouring to take advantage of the
kind sentiments you had for him, that he avoided all opportunities of
improving them; that he was even surprized into the fatal step, which
has since made you so unhappy, by the artifices of that vile woman, who
had the care of you.
Mr Faulkland relied so intirely on your candour, that, as I told you
before, he referred my mother to you, for a confirmation of the truth of
what he advanced; imagining that your testimony would in some measure
extenuate his fault. My mother, I have reason to believe, has heard the
story from you in a light less favourable to Mr Faulkland. I was married
before she received any information on this subject from you; and as any
extenuation on Mr Faulkland's side was then become a matter of
indifference to me, I enquired not into particulars; but by what I could
judge from my mother's discourse then, and from hints which she has many
times dropped since, I am inclined to believe, that either Mr Faulkland
concealed some particulars, or that you, from a delicacy very natural to
a young lady in such circumstances, chose to draw a veil over some parts
of your story. But, dear madam, all disguises must now be thrown aside;
depend upon it, your candour will more effectually recommend you to Mr
Faulkland's esteem, than any thing else; and, perhaps, your justifying
him to _me_, may be no immaterial circumstance in your favour.
Variety of passions discovered themselves on her face while I spoke, but
shame was predominant. She was mute, and hung down her head. I took her
by the hand, Do not think, my dear, I mean to ensnare you; far be such
perfidy from my heart! Have I not promised you my assistance? I declare,
by every thing that is sacred, you shall have it to the utmost stretch
of my power; but do not let a false bashfulness stand between you and
sincerity; you will stop up the way to your own happiness if you do.
Speak, dear madam, has Mr Faulkland been just in his representations?
She burst into a flood of tears: Oh! madam, you read my very soul; what
disguise can I make use of, before such penetrating eyes as yours? Yes,
Mr Faulkland _has_ spoke the truth, shameful as the confession is for
me, I own it. Mrs Gerrarde, base woman! betrayed me; my own mad passion
did the rest. Mr Faulkland told me, a few days after the fatal meeting,
that he was the most miserable man on earth for what had happened: he
said, there was a lady in the world to whom he was bound to offer his
hand; that her brother was his particular friend; that his marriage was
then actually negotiating; and he was pressed on that occasion to return
to London. He owned he had never seen the lady, but as his honour was
engaged to her brother, he could not look upon himself as a free man. He
cursed his ill fate, that he had not had an opportunity of informing me
of this sooner; which, he said, might have prevented me from casting
away my affection on a man, who could not deserve it. What could I say,
madam? There was no room for reproaches or complaints. I made none; I
had nobody to accuse but myself. I had declared my frantic love to Mr
Faulkland unasked; I had implored his in return: in one dreadful moment
I fell a sacrifice to my own weakness. The only hope that now remained
for me, was built on that circumstance of Mr Faulkland's having never
seen his destined bride. Had I known you, madam, to have been the
person, there could have sprung but small comfort from that
consideration; but ignorant as I was of the lady's merit, I thought it
not impossible but that some objection might have arisen either to her
person or temper; or the lady, perhaps, (though that I thought almost
incredible) might not approve of Mr Faulkland: in either case, some
glimmerings of hope remained for me. Mr Faulkland's generous compassion
for me, gave me room to think he did not hate me, and I was unwilling to
lose the little interest I thought I had gained in his heart, by _fond
complainings_, much less upbraidings, for which he had given me no
cause. I therefore acquiesced, determined to wait for what my fate was
to do with me; resolving privately in my own mind, that in case Mr
Faulkland's intended nuptials should not take place, to remind him of my
love. I did not confess to my aunt what had been the result of that
interview, which she had contrived between Mr Faulkland and me: shame
would not suffer me to indulge it. But it was not long in my power to
conceal it: I believe indeed, she suspected it before. She reproached me
for the error which she herself had caused; but I believe, what most
nettled her was Mr Faulkland's having escaped the snare; for I am sure
she would have been base enough to have had me retain him as a lover,
though I could not secure him for a husband; for he was not the first,
that this bad woman would have seduced me to favour, for her own private
interest.
In the midst of the horror, into which the condition I found myself
threw me, I heard that Mr Faulkland was on the point of being married.
The prospect I had before me drove me to despair. I knew I could not
remain long in my uncle's house. I knew not whither to fly. In my
distraction I wrote to Mr Faulkland: You, madam, saw the letter, that
ill-fated letter, which deprived Mr Faulkland of his happiness.
I soon received an answer, wherein Mr Faulkland related to me at large
the unfortunate consequences that letter had produced. He lamented, in
the tenderest manner, my unhappy situation; told me, he would provide me
a proper place for my retreat; and, as I was an entire stranger in
London, having never been there, would recommend me to the notice of one
of the best of women, lady Bidulph, from whom, as my unhappy story was
known to her, I might expect the utmost humanity. And here, madam, with
blushes let me own it, he urged me not to conceal a single circumstance
of the truth from that lady.
'You know, said he, my dear Miss Burchell, I am not a seducer; rescue me
from that black suspicion; and, as far as the unhappy case will admit,
clear my honour to lady Bidulph. See what a reliance I have on _your_
honour, when I trust the vindicating of my own to you, in such delicate
circumstances. He concluded his letter with telling me frankly, that
though he had been rejected by Miss Bidulph, he loved her with such an
ardent passion, that it was impossible for him ever to think of any
other woman; and till he had a heart to bestow, he should never
entertain a thought of marriage.'
You know Mr Faulkland at this juncture went abroad; and thus was I
circumstanced when I came to that house, which he had provided for me.
And so frank and noble were his proceedings, that I solemnly declare, I
was determined, though at the hazard of divulging my own shame, to have
acquitted him to the utmost of my power to lady Bidulph; and should have
rejoiced, could I have been the means of procuring him the happiness he
deserved, in regaining your favour; as I had been, though unknowingly,
the unlucky cause of his losing it. But fortune had disposed of you
otherwise, before I saw lady Bidulph. This she quickly informed me of,
and I will own to you, madam, that as I found there was now an
insuperable bar to Mr Faulkland's hopes, I was mean enough not to have
the courage to speak truth. I saw it could not avail him, in regard to
his prospects with you. Lady Bidulph's eye awed me; yet I think she led
me into a justification of myself, so great were her prejudices against
Mr Faulkland. Or, perhaps, having already disposed of you in marriage,
in vindication of this step, she did not wish to be undeceived. Yes,
again, in spite of my confusion, I must repeat it, I was not sincere; I
threw out such hints to lady Bidulph, as must have made her think Mr
Faulkland had taken pains to undo me: to this act of disingenuousness,
my sole motive was, that I might appear in a less culpable light in the
eyes of a lady of such strict virtue as your mother. By making her my
friend, I was in hopes one day of making you so too. Devoted, as Mr
Faulkland was, to the most charming woman in the world, I was not afraid
of his making a second choice. I thought, if he _were_ to be induced to
marry, he might, in time, be prevailed upon to turn his thoughts towards
me. In this hope I have dragged on so many tedious years. I was not
mistaken in my opinion, that he could find none worthy to succeed Mrs
Arnold in his heart. He loves you still, madam; but you have declared
you will never be his; he is still free; these are the circumstances
that nourish my hope. My heart is in your hand; I have made you mistress
of my dearest secret. Can you forgive me, madam? But you have an heroic
soul! Remember, Mrs Arnold, to your generosity I now trust what is
dearer to me than life. Should Mr Faulkland know, should lady Bidulph
know, how I have abused their confidence, I think I could not outlive
it.
They never shall, madam, said I: I thank you for this frank
acknowlegement of your heart; such a proof of your confidence in me, I
should be a wretch to abuse; and I hope to make such a use of the candid
confession you have now made me, as will greatly promote your interest.
And is it possible, madam, said she, you can yield up the interest you
have in Mr Faulkland without a pang? Oh! the exquisite charmer! and she
said it with such an emphasis, drawing out her breath in long sighs. But
you are heroic, as I said before: Nature did not mold your heart, as she
has done those of the rest of your sex. Who that was beloved by Mr
Faulkland, would yield him to another? Worlds! ten thousand worlds would
I give to be beloved by him as you are! but you are a prodigy of a
woman! I stopped Miss Burchell in her transports. There is less merit,
madam, than you ascribe to me in my conduct: I readily acquiesced under
my mother's rejection of Mr Faulkland, when he _had_ some interest in my
heart; but there is no self-denial in what I am now about to do for you.
My affections have long since changed their object, and now lie buried
with him in his grave.
My tears here bore witness to the truth of what I said: Miss Burchell
wept too. Her mind was agitated; the confession she had made to me had
humbled her; her heart overflowed with fondness; I had filled her with
pleasing hopes: all these sensations combined together, melting her
into tenderness: she is made up of tears, and sighs, and romantic
wishes.
I can now, said I, assure Mr Faulkland, that you have done him justice,
and that he is highly obliged to your candour.
She interrupted me; But, madam, if he should know how _late_ my
acknowlegements came--He need not know it, said I; my mother shall not
know it either; leave every thing to my management, and depend upon my
word. She snatched my hand eagerly, and kissed it.
But oh! madam, above all things, said she, let not Sir George Bidulph
know any thing of your intended goodness, in mediating for me. He hates
me, implacably he hates me. I upbraid him not for it: his strong
attachment to Mr Faulkland is the cause of it: he accuses me in his
heart of being the occasion (which I own I was, though ignorantly) of Mr
Faulkland's disappointment. I am sure, were he to know what you design
in my favour, he would counterwork you, and use all his influence over
his friend to ruin me.
I made her easy on this head, by assuring her Sir George should know
nothing of the matter; and put her in mind how lucky it was for her that
he was absent.
I cannot help thinking, my Cecilia, that there is a sort of fatality has
attended Mr Faulkland's attachment to me. By what a strange accident did
we come to the knowledge of Miss Burchell's affair! How strong were my
mother's prepossessions against Mr Faulkland; and how many little
circumstances concurred her to encourage in this disposition! His letter
from Bath to my brother helped to confirm her in her dislike of his
conduct; Miss Burchell's letter to Mr Faulkland, though meant very
differently, was a strong motive of condemnation. The only means of
justification left for him, my mother did not apply to, till it was too
late; and then that very circumstances of it's _being_ too late to serve
him, Miss Burchell acknowleges, was the reason that the very method
which he had proposed for his defence, was turned to his condemnation.
Rooted, as my mother's prejudices were, she engages herself, she engages
me, in a promise, to use my endeavours to promote Miss Burchell's
marriage with Mr Faulkland. Does this not look as if some unseen power,
who guides our actions, had set a stamp of disapprobation on the union
between this man and me.
I wish I had seen that letter which Mr Faulkland wrote to my brother
from Bath: my mother said, she did not read it through. He treated the
subject lightly, and there was one circumstance in particular in it
that shocked her; and yet surely, if the _whole_ might not have borne a
favourable construction, Sir George would not have shewn her that
account, by way of justifying his friend. This reflection comes too
late! Why did it not occur sooner to my mother or to me? We drew no
other inference from Sir George's disclosing this letter, than that as
Mr Faulkland treated the affair ludicrously, it was therefore expected,
both by him and my brother, that we should consider it so too. That
could not have been the case. Miss Burchell's confession has opened my
eyes.--Poor Mr Faulkland! What wayward fate is thine! But let me beware
of relenting; that might be fatal. There is still one indelible blot
remains upon his conduct. Miss Burchell, blameable as she acknowleges
herself, was still betrayed; and though not by Mr Faulkland, yet sure
his having paid the price of her innocence to the wicked aunt, renders
him so far guilty, as that he owes her a great reparation. This was a
particular I durst not touch upon; the unhappy girl herself being
ignorant of it. There is a wide gulph fixed between Mr Faulkland and me.
How many things are leagued against him! Alas! he thinks the principal
bar to his hopes is removed, and that if Miss Burchell has been just, he
ought to be forgiven. But he little knows thy Sidney's heart; critically
delicate as my situation is, in regard him, I am removed a thousand
times farther than ever from his wishes. Neither knows he the
engagements I am under to Miss Burchell; which alone would put an
ever-lasting bar between us. Unhappy Miss Burchell! She has bound me to
her by stronger ties than ever. She has been ingenuous; she has owned
her weakness to me; she declares she would have done this sooner, if it
could have promoted my happiness: perhaps she would; shall I not then
endeavour to promote her's? I will, I must; my word is given. Yet
Faulkland deserves--oh! he deserves a worthier lot.
VOLUME III
_June 22_
I now send you, my Cecilia, my second Letter to Mr Faulkland.
'Why do you compel me, Sir, noble and disinterested as your
conduct has been towards me, to accuse you now of unkindness? You
call me insensible--oh! it is from my too great sensibility that
all my sorrows have sprung. Destitute as I am of happiness myself,
or even of a possibility of ever attaining it here, I look for no
other comfort in this life, but what must arise from seeing those
whom I most esteem in possession of that tranquillity of mind,
which I can never hope to enjoy. If Mr Faulkland were happy, if
Miss Burchell were happy, I should be less miserable. Remember,
Sir, it was not this lady's fault that you were disappointed in
your former hope. She did not try, by female wiles, to engage a
heart which you refused her. She used no ungenerous arts to cross
your wishes. Loving you as she did, almost to distraction, she
yielded you up in silent anguish to a rival; a rival superior to
herself in nothing. I acknowlege, Sir, I was to have been yours,
and with my own consent; but was it not also with my own consent
those bonds were cancelled, by which we were to have been united?
I was then convinced Miss Burchell had a prior claim; I think so
still, and ever shall. Miss Burchell's family is not mean, her
fortune is considerable; her beauty and personal accomplishments
inferior to none; and, but for Mr Faulkland, she had been
innocent. Yet do not imagine I would aggravate your fault; Miss
Burchell's candor could not suffer this. How charmingly ingenuous
was her confession! In the midst of tears and blushes, she owned
her weakness; you, she said, were not to blame. She praised your
generosity, your compassion, the integrity and frankness of your
whole behaviour towards her; and could Miss Burchell's suffrage
have ensured to you the completion of your wishes, Mr Faulkland
would have been indebted to her for what he once thought his
happiness. But though her testimony could not avail you in that
particular, yet are your obligations to her the same. Does not
then Miss Burchell love Mr Faulkland with a generosity equal to
his own? Do years of fervent and unalterable affection deserve no
return? Does the child, the dear innocent that calls you father,
deserve no consideration? He bears your name, Sir; let him not
blush to own it: he may one day be an honour and a comfort to you.
Put it in his power to make it his boast, instead of his shame,
that Mr Faulkland was his father. The amiable lady, whose very
life is bound up in you, has, in the midst of her affliction, one
great source of comfort; her character has escaped the malignity
of cruel tongues, by the privacy with which she conducted her
measures, till after the birth of your son. The retirement she has
since lived in; her prudent, her modest, her exemplary conduct
have created esteem in every body that knows her; this
circumstance, as it is a peculiar felicity to herself, so ought it
to be a motive of encouragement to you, Sir, to compleat her
happiness. The false judging part of the world will have nothing
to point at; Miss Burchell's relation, or even connection, with
Mrs Gerrarde is hardly known here; she has had no correspondence
with that irregular woman since she became a widow; and her
character had not suffered before, in such a manner, as to reflect
dishonour on the young lady, who was then under her care. How then
can you persist in a cruel rejection of this lady? You own she is
amiable; I am sure she has a thousand good qualities. Is her love
for you, her unparalleled love, to be imputed to her as a crime?
If it be one, long and bitter has been her punishment! On you it
rests to recompence her sufferings. What may you not expect from a
grateful heart that worships you? Such a fervent, such a faithful
love (deserving as you are) you perhaps may never again meet with
in woman. With her you may be happy, she will make it the study of
her life to render you so. Your own heart, conscious of having
acted nobly, will confirm your happiness. Would to God I could
inspire you with such sentiments as would induce you to make the
generous experiment! How would your character rise in the esteem
of the two persons whom you profess to revere! How would you be
adored by the amiable sufferer! but above all, how delightful must
be the exultations of the self-approving mind! There wants but
this act to render you the most deserving of men. I would fain
esteem, respect, admire you as I ought; but you will not let me;
you will be a _common_ man, and undistinguished amongst the light
ones of your sex.'
I shewed this letter to Miss Burchell; she read it with grateful tears
running down her cheeks. In about an hour I received the following
answer to it.
'Miss Burchell may triumph, Madam, since she has obtained _you_
for her advocate. Well have you acquitted yourself of the task
your rigid heart has undertaken. I thank the lady for the justice
her charming ingenuousness (as you rightly call it) has done me.
But what have I gained by this? Have I not raised the fair
complainant still higher in your esteem, given her a stronger
claim to your pity, and furnished you with arms against myself?
Wretch that I am, I do, I must acknowlege the force of every thing
that you have urged. Miss Burchell is amiable, her sincerity, her
constancy, and (by me) unmerited love, deserve to be greatly
recompensed. I would to heaven I had a heart to give her! but I
have not; _you_ know I have not; _she_ knows it too. Could I have
made Miss Burchell the return she deserves, I would not thus long
have shunned her presence. I acknowleged the state of my heart to
her even at the time I had lost all hopes of possessing you. And
in the spite of my own struggles, after years of confirmed
despair, I found myself still enslaved. How then could I offer a
hand, devoted as my whole soul was to another object, to a lady,
whose constant, tender, and delicate affection, demanded all the
return that a sensible and grateful heart could make? This, Madam,
is all the plea I can urge in answer to those arguments you offer
to promote your favourite wish. Consult your own delicacy, let
Miss Burchell consult hers, and then perhaps I shall stand
acquitted of ingratitude.
'I hoped, Madam, that cleared as I have been of _one_ imputation,
I might have recovered some favour in yours and Lady Bidulph's
thoughts. I was flattered with this consolation, small as it was,
when every other hope forsook me. But when an unexpected event
again brought happiness within my prospect, this reflection, I own
became of more importance, and served to strengthen my then
revived hopes. But you dash them with an unrelenting hand; and
again build up those barriers between us, that heaven itself had
overthrown. What can I say to you, inflexible as you are? has Miss
Burchell _all_ your pity? You may command my life, Madam; I would
lay it down freely for you; but I cannot, must not, will not give
up my love; and till you declare in express terms that I _must_ be
miserable, I will not even give up my hope.
ORLANDO FAULKLAND.'
See, my Cecilia, the heart I have to deal with. Hard to be subdued,
and obstinate in all its purposes. I expected difficulties; but was in
hopes he would be less determined in regard to his perseverance
towards me. I think however I have gained some ground; he
acknowleges Miss Burchell's merit, and seems obliged to her for the
part she has acted towards him. I have been under some difficulties on
this occasion; for as Miss Burchell was not so candid in her
acknowlegements to my mother as she has been to me, I cannot let
her know the whole of her confession; for this reason, I only told her
the general purport of what I wrote last to Mr Faulkland; and in
reading his answer to her, I passed over such passages as I thought
might induce her to require an explanation. I own I am a little hurt at
Miss Burchell's former perverting of facts on this occasion; but, as I
have already said more than once, there are great allowances to be
made for one in her very critical situation. Neither have I the least
right to reproach her for it even in my thoughts; for had she been
ever so explicit at my mother's first interview with her, it could not
have availed me.
You find, my dear, it is necessary I should speak plainly to Mr
Faulkland. I shall write to him again, and here you shall have a copy
of what I say; but I must lead this violent spirit with gentleness, and
endeavour to convince his reason, without wounding his tenderness.
Mrs Arnold's third letter to Mr Faulkland
'You give me pleasure, Sir; I begin to descry hopes for your and
my amiable friend. I know such a heart as Mr Faulkland's cannot
be proof against sentiments of gratitude and compassion; it will
not be difficult to convert those sentiments into love, when the
object is so deserving. Try, Sir, try; the experiment cannot fail.
How much to your honour will so noble a triumph be over an
ill-fated passion! What delightful returns may you not expect from
the obliged, the grateful partner of your happiness! Do not call
me inflexible, or rigid; filled as I am with gratitude, and a
sense of your merit, I should hate myself, if I did not acknowlege
that you deserve more from me than it can ever be in my power to
repay. I must be plain with you, since you require it; it is
impossible I ever can be yours. Sorry I am, that the necessity of
circumstances compels me to make so early a declaration, from
which I thought my present situation would have exempted me; but I
forgive you, Sir, for urging me on this head, and draw a happy
presage from your resting your hopes in relation to me, on my own
determination. You appeal to my delicacy, whether you ought, with
a heart estranged, to offer your hand to Miss Burchell? Were
delicacy alone to be consulted, the answer perhaps might be easy;
but there are superior considerations in your case to be taken in.
Love, without doubt, demands love in return; but where injured
honour is to be repaired, where the disgrace of a darling child is
to be prevented, those nicer sentiments of the soul must and ought
to give way: and I will venture to pronounce, that Miss Burchell
would, with raptures, receive the hand which would confer such
valuable blessings on her; leaving it to time, and her own
unremiting tenderness and assiduity, to get an interest in the
heart, which, by such an act, proved its own rectitude. On this
subject, I, from experience, am qualified to speak. You know, sir,
the interest you once had in me; you cannot think me so light a
creature, as to suppose I so soon after my breaking with you,
bestowed my affections on another. I did not; obedience to my
mother's commands was the sole motive which engaged my vows to Mr
Arnold; and I married him with no other sentiments, those of
esteem and gratitude for the great love he bore me. Yet from these
seeds sown in my heart, sprung a tender and ardent affection:
never did wife love a husband better than I did Mr Arnold; his
kindness merited, and _did_ win my whole affections; nor could a
temporary alienation of _his_ heart, disposses him of the place he
held in _mine_. His returning love (for which, with all
thankfulness, I own myself bound to you, Sir) made him still
dearer to me than ever, and I now profess myself wedded to his
memory. You have a right, Sir, to expect that I should explain
myself at once to you on this subject; for your own sake, and for
Miss Burchell's I must not suffer you to entertain a doubt of my
resolution. You compel me to repeat, that I think Miss Burchell
deserves your love, and has a just right to your hand. She throws
herself upon your honour, without pretending to have any _lawful_
claim; if she _had_, I should not condescend to solicit the man
who could refuse to do her justice.
'My mother is firm in her first resolves; could you place a crown
on my head, her integrity would still oblige her to reject it; nor
would a crown tempt me to forfeit the duty which I owe to her.
'See then, Sir, if that _unexpected event_, which you mention (a
fatal event to me!) has brought you nearer to your wishes; and
here let me add, in justice to my own particular sentiments, that
I think Mr Faulkland is the last man who ought to be my choice,
even if my heart were disposed to make one. Reproach me not with
ingratitude, or caprice, till I have explained myself. It is not
long, Sir (blameless and unconscious as you were of the injury,
and nobly as you repaired it) since you were the cause of a
separation between me and my husband. I know you will say that our
mutual innocence on this occasion, and the secret's being known
but to a few of our friends, makes that objection of little
weight. I grant you, with many it might be so; all minds are not
equally susceptible; 'tis my unhappiness to have a too resenting
heart. My own honour (scrupulous you might call it) would not
suffer me to let the man succeed Mr Arnold in my love, who was the
occasion of so much uneasiness to him, and the cause of my being
suspected in my fidelity. Would it not be an insult on his memory?
Oh, Sir, what is the world's opinion to the approbation of our own
hearts! Mine has never yet reproached me, and this has been my
support in all my trials. Thus much I say for the reverence I bear
my dear Mr Arnold's memory; but I have other reasons to offer in
my excuse; refinements you will call them, but my heart feels
their force. I am not the same woman you once loved; afflictions
have impaired my health, and those little advantages of person
which nature bestowed on me, have not been improved by time; my
spirits, broken by misfortunes, have left me languid and
insensible to joy. Peace is the utmost of my wish, and all that I
am now capable of relishing. The bride, whom Mr Faulkland once
sought, was in the bloom of youth, admired and caressed, by a
flattering world; unblemished in her character, her fortune equal
to her wishes, her heart, her virgin heart, was then a present
(with pride let me say it) worthy of any man's acceptance. It was
then in her power to bestow happiness, and Mr Faulkland would not
have been matched unequally. But the scene is changed; what should
I now bring to your arms? A person faded by grief; a reputation
(though undeservedly) once called in question; a little helpless
family without fortune; a widowed heart, dead to love and
incapable of pleasure. Oh, Sir! could I bear to be your wife on
such conditions? Indebted to you as I am, past a possibility of my
ever making you a return, to what a mighty sum would you raise the
obligation? How poor would you make me in my own eyes? Humbled as
I am by adversity, my soul has still too much pride, or let me
call it delicacy, to submit to this. No, if there was no Miss
Burchell in the world, no parental sway to guide me, in my present
circumstances, I never would be yours.
'You have now before you my final determination. I shall trouble
you no more on the subject. If your heart relents towards Miss
Burchell, great will be your reward. In her you are sure of a
tender, faithful, and charming friend; who will more than repay
every act of kindness towards her; and he who is the author of
justice and mercy will not fail to bless you.
'I am, &c'.
Methinks, my dear friend, I have now eased my heart of a load that
oppressed it. What can I say more? Mr Faulkland now knows my determined
purpose in regard to myself; and if he is not quite insensible, I think
Miss Burchell must at last obtain the wish of her soul. Oh, my Cecilia,
I would not have my heart devoured by such a flame as her's, for the
whole world. But have I not acted as I should do? I hope I have; I feel
satisfied with my own conduct, and I never yet found that to be the case
when I acted wrong. There are some nice points, in which our own hearts
are the best, as well as the most impartial judges. If Mr Faulkland
persists in rejecting poor Miss Burchell, I can urge him no farther; but
I am determined not to see him.
_June 25_
How uneasy has been my suspense these three days! I question if
Miss Burchell's is much greater. No answer from this strange man;
perhaps he is flown off again.--No, I wrong him, a letter is this
minute brought up to me from him--Read it, my beloved, and
congratulate me.
'You were born to conquer. Madam; what is there that you cannot
effect? My heart was made for you, and you can mould it as you
please. Enjoy your triumph, if it be one. I will receive Miss
Burchell as _your_ gift, and since I cannot obtain your love, I
will at least compel your esteem. Why should _your_ generosity,
_your_ compassion for an unhappy lady, to whom you have no
obligation, exceed that of a man who owns himself bound to her in
gratitude? I wish I could repay her the debt of love I owe her,
but I will try to repair my fault hereafter; and in her gentle
bosom perhaps I may recover that peace, to which I have been so
long a stranger. She will forgive the waywardness of a heart,
which never disguised its anguish to her; and which she knows has
been torn by a cruel passion, that, like a cruel disease, was not
either to be resisted or subdued. But thanks to you, Madam, I
think I begin to feel my cure approaching. Miss Burchell's
tenderness will finish what you have begun. You shall never
reproach me more; if I _ever_ had an interest in your heart, I
will not forfeit it now, but make that proud heart acknowledge,
spite of itself, that Faulkland was not unworthy of it.'
Ha! my Cecilia, what do you say to my Orlando now? _My_ Orlando let me
this once call him. Has he not a noble mind? Happy! happy Miss Burchell!
you are at length arrived to the summit of your wishes. Long may you
enjoy them, and may you make your love as blest as he deserves to be! My
mother clasped her hands together in joy, when I read this letter to
her. God bless him, God bless him, said she; he is now indeed a
righteous man. How rejoiced I am, my dear, that I have been the means of
bringing about his so-much-wished-for event. And yet, methinks, if I
were in Miss Burchell's place, though my heart doated on the man to
death, I could not receive him on such terms. He accepts her as _my_
gift; it is to raise himself in my esteem, he does her justice: Nay, I
think the assuming man seems to insinuate a sort of superiority over
me, by this concession. Why let it be so, I shall be content in my
humiliation, if _my_ gift will restore him to his peace. If it does,
which I pray heaven it may, ought he not to think himself indebted to
me?
I think I should not let Miss Burchell see this last letter; he does not
consent with a good grace; and it may damp her joy. Though, upon second
thoughts, I question whether she has delicacy enough to be much affected
by this circumstance.
* * * * *
I am saved the trouble of observing any decorum towards Miss Burchell.
She has been just here wild with transport; and was several minutes in
the room before I could get her to speak coherently. She had received a
letter from Mr Faulkland, written by his own angelic hand, she said. She
made no difficulty of leaving it with me, and here it is.
Mr Faulkland's letter to Miss Burchell.
'Is it possible, Madam, that I can still be dear to you, careless
and remiss as I have been towards you, since you first honoured me
with your affection? If you can forgive this, I am ready to offer
you my hand; and hope, by devoting my future days to you, to make
you amends for those years, during which (deserving as you are) I
have withheld that heart which was your due.
'I never had any merit towards you but my sincerity; and I will
not now give up that virtue to arrogate to myself another to which
I have no title. I own to you, Madam, that it is to Mrs Arnold's
superior prudence, and nice honour, I am beholden for being
brought to a just sense of your worth, and my own obligations to
you. If you will give me leave to attend you this afternoon, you
will receive a man filled with sentiments of gratitude and esteem
for you, and who is determined by his future conduct, to deserve a
continuance of your love.
'I am, &c.'
I congratulated Miss Burchell (after reading this letter) on her
approaching felicity. She had not words to express her acknowlegements
to me. The service I had rendered her was indeed to her a most important
one; and there are some occasions where _words_ are of no use; Miss
Burchell can be eloquent without them. She embraced me a thousand times,
and wept in tender transport on my neck.
My mother is as much delighted at this happy event, as if it immediately
concerned her own welfare. She recommended it to Miss Burchell, to have
her little boy with her when Mr Faulkland came to visit her. It seems he
has not seen the child since his last return to England: he did not care
to go to the house where it was boarded, for fear of drawing any
observation on himself to Miss Burchell's prejudice; and the people
never permitted the child to be taken abroad by any one but Miss
Burchell (who passes for its aunt) or Mr Faulkland's house-keeper; but
this good woman, happening to be sick when he came to town, Mr Faulkland
had not an opportunity of sending for it.
Miss Burchell greatly approved of the motion, and flew from us to
prepare for this so much desired interview.
And now, Cecilia, do you not think Mr Faulkland has proved himself a
disinterested (lover shall I say) of your Sidney? Indeed he has given a
noble testimony of his esteem and deference for me, as well as he
formerly did of his affection. If Miss Burchell does not render herself
worthy of him, how shall I hate myself for having brought about this
union! But she loves him too ardently, and is herself too lovely, not to
get possession of his heart, when it becomes his duty, as well as his
interest, to give it up to her. All acquaintance between her and me,
must now cease: for her sake, as well as Mr Faulkland's, this will be
necessary; my presence may disturb, but can never contribute to the
tranquillity of either of them.
_June 26_
Miss Burchell was in too much haste to communicate her joy to us, to
defer giving an account of what passed between her and Mr Faulkland
yesterday evening. She hurried to us last night, at almost ten o'clock.
He came to her house, she said, at six, the hour she had appointed him;
and looked _so_ enchantingly. She herself was dressed out very elegantly
to receive him, and I thought looked really charming; her countenance
was so lighted up with joy, that she did not appear the same woman.
She had endeavoured, she said, to compose herself for this interview,
and had tried to assume something of dignity; but it all vanished when
her conqueror approached, and the tumult of her heart so intirely
banished all recollection, and presence of mind, that she was not able
to tell me in what manner she received him. She only knows, she says,
that having snatched up her little boy, who stood by her and hung on her
gown, she put him into his father's arms, and bidding the babe thank him
for his goodness, she burst into tears. Mr Faulkland tenderly embraced
the child, not without a visible emotion of countenance; and having
gently set him down again, he placed himself by Miss Burchell's side:
She was still sobbing. Those generous tears, Madam, said he, taking her
by the hand, reproach me too much: I have not deserved this tenderness;
I cannot look upon you, nor that dear boy, without blushing, but you
have forgiven me: it shall be the study of my life to make you both
happy. Oh! Madam, continued Miss Burchell, what an exquisite joy must
such a declaration give me from the beloved of my soul. I wrung his
hand; Oh, Sir, you are too good: What return can I make you? One thing
only say to me, that you do not offer me a _very_ reluctant hand, and I
shall then be the happiest of women.
Mr Faulkland paused a little while, and then, with a noble frankness,
replied: 'You know, my dear Miss Burchell, with what an excess of
passion I have ever loved Mrs Arnold: Had no such woman existed, _you_
would have been my choice, preferably to any other: but when I first
knew you, I looked upon myself as bound to her, though, at that time, I
had never seen her: my knowledge of her afterwards confirmed me her's. I
made no secret of this to you, and you may remember what my declarations
to you were, even at the time my hopes were frustrated. I have loved her
fervently ever since; even in the arms of a husband I adored her; and I
will be candid enough to own to you, that, as my attachment to her has,
during all that time, estranged me from you, so should I still, had I
the least hopes of succeeding, have persisted in my suit. But she has
cut off all hope; she has declared she can never be mine, and at the
same time has represented my obligations to you in so strong a light,
that I am convinced I ought to be your's. And let me own, Madam (you who
are generous, and know what it is to love, will pardon a declaration
which I durst not make to any other woman) to you I will confess that
Mrs Arnold is arbitress of my fate; and in approving myself to her, I do
so to my own conscience. I do not therefore, though my actions have been
guided by her, yield with reluctance to her will; her virtue, her
religion, and enlarged mind, have only dictated to me, what my own
reason tells me I ought to do. I have been a slave to a hopeless passion
too long; I am now resolved to struggle with my chains: you, Madam, must
assist me in breaking them entirely; and I make no doubt but that time,
joined to my own efforts, and aided by your sweetness of disposition,
your tenderness, and admirable sense, will enable me to conquer what I
must now call a weakness, and make the triumph equally happy for us
both. But remember, Madam, I never see Mrs Arnold more. 'Tis for your
peace sake as well as my own, that I make this a preliminary to our
marriage. I will, when you shall vouchsafe me the honour of your hand,
receive it, if you please, from Lady Bidulph; and as I presume it will
be agreeable to you to have the ceremony intirely private, that I may,
for our dear little boy's sake, present you rather as my acknowleged
wife, than as my new made bride, I will, with the utmost speed and
secrecy, have such dispositions made, as shall be suitable to my
condition, and your own merit.
'I should like, after we are united, if you have no objection to it, to
pay a visit for a while to an estate I have in Ireland; which I have
never yet seen, and which I intended to have looked at, if this event,
this happy event (and he kissed my hand) had not taken place.'
Penetrated as I was, pursued Miss Burchell, with a sense of the
generosity and openness of his heart, I could not forbear raising his
hand to my lips; he tenderly withdrew it from me, as if abashed at my
condescension. He then turned the discourse to less interesting
subjects, and after three delightful hours spent with me, took his
leave; not without having first fixed on Wednesday, next Wednesday, to
be the blessed day that is to make him mine for ever.
Happy, happy may you be, said I! you _must_ be happy; but let me see you
once again before you are Mrs Faulkland: there are not many hours to
come before that name will be yours. My dear Madam! said she, and patted
my bosom with her hand, I hope all is well _here_; she looked earnestly
in my face, and then added, but you have a noble heart. 'Tis an honest
one I hope, said I, a little disconcerted at her manner. Why did she
address me thus, my dear? I hope I did not discover any thing in my
behaviour as if I repined her good fortune; if I did, far be such a
wretched meanness from the heart of thy friend. Was it not my own act to
make Miss Burchell the happy woman she now thinks herself? Yet I own
there is something in Mr Faulkland's conduct which has raised my esteem
to admiration. Oh may his future days be blessed, else shall I indeed be
wretched!
My mother told Miss Burchell, it would give her inexpressive
satisfaction to bestow her in marriage on Mr Faulkland; and desired she
would let her know to-morrow at what time and place the ceremony as to
be performed. She answered, at her own house, as she could be no where
else so private; and that Mr Faulkland would engage for the purpose a
clergyman, a particular friend of his, and fellow-collegian, on whose
discretion he could rely.
Miss Burchell's spirits were too much exhilarated to let her think of
rest; she staid with us till it was very late, and having taken occasion
to mention how grieved she was at the thoughts of losing my society, and
of the necessity Mr Faulkland expressed himself under of never seeing me
more, my mother took that opportunity of gravely entering into the
subject of matrimonial duties. She highly applauded Mr Faulkland's
resolution on that head, and told Miss Burchell, it ought exceedingly to
enhance his merit towards her. Let this be a memorandum to you, my dear
Madam, said she, how sacred the bond is to be held that is now going to
unite you: He will not, you see, run the hazard of being tempted, even
in thought, to swerve from that faith which he is going to plight to
you; your situation is delicate, and it will require the utmost prudence
and circumspection on your part, to secure such an interest in his heart
as he now seems inclined to give you. It is not on your personal charms
that you are to rely, for subduing, or preserving the affections of such
a man as he is. They alone, you see, were not able to effect this: it is
to Mr Faulkland's honour rather than his love, that you are now obliged
for the justice he has done you: never let this be out of your thoughts;
be grateful, but let your gratitude have dignity in it; and by your
behaviour convince your husband that honour was with you a first motive
to wish this union, love will then come in with a better grace as a
secondary inducement.
The freedom of my mother's observations, and instructions, I was not
surprized at, because she always speaks her mind; but the emphasis with
which she delivered herself was unusual. Miss Burchell expressed herself
as obliged to her, and joined intirely in her opinion; I could perceive,
however, she was not pleased with the lecture.
When Miss Burchell was gone, my mother told me, she thought it necessary
to speak as she had done. Miss Burchell, said she, is not _quite_ the
girl I took her for; so much modesty and reserve, I thought I had never
met with in a young creature before; when she used to speak of Mr
Faulkland, it was with affection indeed, but with such a nice decorum as
convinced me of the innocence and purity of her heart. But of late I
have observed she has been less delicate in her expressions of
tenderness; such passionate flights have sometimes broke from her, as I
did not think becoming in a young woman, and which indeed almost
offended me; and this night her joy has been ungoverned. Great reason
she has for joy 'tis true; but there are some considerations which ought
to have made her chasten that joy into a sober, and, at least seemingly,
moderate satisfaction. She loves Mr Faulkland, but let her beware of
disgusting a man of his sense by too strong an expression of her
fondness.
My mother's observation, and her uncommonly forcible manner of
expressing it, struck me prodigiously. It is true I had made the same
remarks myself, but as you know she is not extremely penetrating, and in
general, but a superficial observer, I was the more surprized at what
she said. Miss Burchell's behaviour must have been formerly very
different from what it now is, to have made my mother so sensible of the
change. _Some considerations_, she said, ought to have made her chasten
her joy. Perhaps, she meant no more than that the young lady, even in
the midst of that joy, had, upon reflection, cause for humiliation. I
hope, she did not think that her gaiety on this desired event affected
me, who had so warmly promoted it. My mother is too open not to give the
full meaning of her thoughts. This may be only the suggestion of my own
fancy, yet it has mortified me. I had but little rest last night, and
rose this morning by day-light, to throw together in writing the above
particulars.
_June 27_
Miss Burchell came not to us till late this evening; pleasure danced in
her eyes. I whispered to her, We rejoice with you, dear Madam,
sincerely rejoice, at your approaching felicity; but our present state
will not suffer us to keep pace with you in that gaiety, however
justifiable it may be from the cause: restrain yourself a little; my
mother will not think you kind, as we are so soon to part with you.
She smiled, and thanking me for the hint, immediately composed her
features to such a decorum (I will not call it demureness) that it was
impossible to discover she was agitated by any extraordinary emotion.
I own, I was amazed at the command she so suddenly assumed over
her countenance. I was glad, however, she did so, that my mother
might not have fresh cause of dislike towards her.
She told us that Mr Faulkland had settled a thousand pounds a
year on her, and that too without ever having informed himself of the
state of her fortune: for, in the hurry of her thoughts, she had
neglected to mention it to him: (Generous man! whispered I to
myself.) She then, with great gravity, applied herself to my mother,
and told her, she hoped for the honour of her presence, the next
morning, at her own house; where the ceremony was to be
performed, before no other witnesses but her ladyship, and the
gentlewoman, who had been Mr Faulkland's housekeeper; and that
the following day they purposed retiring to Mr Faulkland's seat in
Hertfordshire, and, after a short stay there, to set out for Ireland.
My mother commended Mr Faulkland's diligence, for having so
suddenly disposed every thing for this important event, and told our
friend she would not fail to attend her at the appointed time.
Miss Burchell's behaviour was extremely composed; she either
really was, or affected to be, extremely sorry at parting with me; she
could not stay long with us, she said, as she had many things to settle
in the remaining part of that evening. On taking leave of me, I shall
not see you again, worthiest of women, said she, at least, for many
months; but my love, my respect, and my gratitude towards you will
be as lasting as my life. You shall hear often from me, and be so good
as sometimes to tell me I am not forgotten. She embraced me with
tears in her eyes, but I thought she tripped down stairs to her chair, as
if her heart was very light.
My mother liked her deportment; she said, she believed the
flightiness of her behaviour before, was owing to her being quite
intoxicated with the suddenness of her joy, on so unexpected a turn
of fortune; but that since she had time for recollection, she had
recovered her wonted bashful and sober air, with which she used to
be so delighted. My mother says, she will contrive to carry a rich
white brocade gown with her, in order to slip it on at Miss Burchell's
house; for she would not, on any consideration, appear in mourning
on this joyful occasion. You know the reverence she has for omens.
_June 28_
The important event is over, my Cecilia. Miss Burchell is now Mrs
Faulkland. My mother is just returned, and saw the nuptial knot tied.
The lady, she said, looked very lovely; and it was easy to observe she
gave her hand with all her heart. Mr Faulkland's behaviour was polite
and unconstrained; but his attention to his bride was more gallant than
tender; and his whole deportment was that of a man who seemed to
endeavour at acquitting himself with a good grace of an act of duty,
rather than of inclination. The latter part of the observation is mine,
not my mother's; but I collected it from certain little particulars,
which she related to me in her own way, without drawing any inference
from them.
He thanked her in a most respectful manner for the honour she had done
him, and for her former friendship to Miss Burchell; but did not once
mention my name. So much the better; I hope he will forget me.
My mother is mighty alert on the occasion, and felicitates both herself
and me on our having brought about this very important affair. She
joined heartily with me in praying that the new-married pair may be
happy in each other. She is quite reconciled to Mr Faulkland. What a
pity it was, said she--and stopped; then added, But every thing is for
the best. I understood her, but made no reply.
They go out of town to-morrow morning; all happiness attend them!
I expect Sir George will be quite outrageous about this marriage.
My second refusal of his friend, with the addition of his now being
wedded, through my persuasion, to a woman my brother never could
endure, will, I fear, exasperate him beyond a possibility of
reconciliation. I cannot help it; I have acted agreeably to the dictates
of my duty; that must be my consolation: life is in itself a warfare, _my_
life has been particularly so.
_July 8_
My mother is far from being well; her spirits have been a little
heightened for these few days past, but her disorder I see gains ground:
the swelling in her legs is returning, and her rest at night quite
broken. I am hourly habituating myself to think of her dissolution; or,
in other words, am preparing myself for the worst evil that can now
befal me. I hope I shall find myself equal to the trial.
_July 10_
Here is a storm for you my dear; a letter from Sir George. I wanted such
a thing to rouse me from the almost lethargic dulness that was creeping
on me. Mr Faulkland has acquainted him with his marriage. Pray observe
his brotherly address.
Mrs ARNOLD, _June 6, 1706._
'For I disclaim all relation to you. I have just now had a letter
from Faulkland, wherein I am at once informed of your having
finally rejected him, and of his being married to Miss Burchell.
As for the first, your own folly be on your head. You will have
time enough for repentance, and I need wish you no other
punishment than what _will_, and for me _shall_, be the
consequences of your obstinate adherence to your own romantic wild
opinions. But what in the name of blind infatuation could provoke
you to urge the man, to whom you owed such obligations, to his
destruction? _You_ I know have done it; he could not be so mad but
under _your_ influence. You and my mother I suppose fancy you have
done a righteous deed; but you have done what I am afraid poor
Faulkland will have reason to--I will suppress the shocking word,
that my indignation suggested.
'Why was I not made acquainted with this precious design of
marrying my friend to that insinuating little viper? I might
perhaps have prevented the mischief; for I cannot think if she had
not imposed upon you, that you would have pushed your chimerical
notions of honour to such extremities.
'Perhaps you meant well; but it has ever been your peculiar
misfortune I think to have your good intentions productive of
nothing but evil; this last action I fear will be a severe proof
of the truth of this observation. I warned you in time against
this woman, but my advice has always been despised.
'I will say no more on the hateful subject; what is done is
irrevocable: but I believe you will hardly be able to answer it to
yourself, if you find that you have condemned one of the noblest
fellows in the world to the arms of a prostitute.'
Lord bless me! my Cecilia, was there ever such a barbarian? with what an
implacable aversion does he pursue this poor girl! But what does he mean
by the odious epithet with which he closes his horrid letter? Sure Miss
Burchell merits not that name. Her weakness in regard to Mr Faulkland
cannot bring on her so detestable a charge. If George knows any thing
more of her character than I do, why did he not tell me so before? It
cannot be; his aversion to her makes him cruel and unjust. He says true;
I should not indeed forgive myself if I were the means of making Mr
Faulkland unhappy; and his observation would be dreadfully verified,
that all my good intentions produce nothing but evil, if this marriage
should prove to be unfortunate.
_July 20_
I have had a letter from Mrs Faulkland. She and her husband are arrived
safely at his estate on the borders of the north of Ireland, within less
than thirty miles of the capital. It is a pleasant part of the country
she says, but as Mr Faulkland has no house there, they have taken up
their lodgings for the present at the house of his steward. Her letter
is filled with declarations of the felicity she enjoys; she says, she
would not change her lot to be the greatest Queen on earth.--May she
continue to deserve her happy fortune, and to render her husband as
satisfied with _his_ lot as she is with _hers_! then shall I triumph
over Sir George for his vile insinuations.
I have heard from my good lady V----, in answer to the letter I wrote
her, giving an account of Mr Faulkland's marriage. As he had not made
her acquainted with his return to England, I knew not whether he had
informed her of this particular; and I find he had not. As lady V----
was a stranger to his former connection with Miss Burchell (with whom I
have already told you she was acquainted, and that she entertained a
very favourable opinion of her) she expressed no displeasure at the
alliance; but said, she supposed he married, in a tifft, upon my refusal
of him; for which I gave her such reasons as I had before given Mr
Faulkland, excepting those which related to Miss Burchell; which, for
both their sakes, must now be no more mentioned. Lady V---- says, she
_will not condemn the delicacy of my sentiments, though she owns her
wish was, that it could have been got over, as she is sure that Mr
Faulkland can never be happy with any one but me_.
[Here follows an interval of near two months, in which nothing
material occurred.]
_September 13_
The time approaches, my Cecilia, when thy friend shall be poor and
destitute. I know thy generous heart will more than sympathize with
me in my calamity, from the aggravating reflexion that it is not in your
power to assist me. The account you have given me of your
husband's close disposition has too fully convinced me of this. Nor
should I have mentioned my apprehensions to you at this time, but
that I am bound not to conceal a thought from the friend of my heart.
Sir George has dropt all correspondence with us, I have nothing to
expect from him; nor does that mortal live (yourself excepted) to
whom I would, on such an occasion, be indebted. I have already
sighed too often under the weight of obligations which I could not
repay.
My mother is hastening apace to a better world, She sees her end
approaching with such a calmness, such a truly pious joy, as almost
makes me ashamed of lamenting her loss; for what is it in me, my
dear but selfishness? 'Tis true, the loss of a tender parent, a faithful
friend, at a time when all other comforts of life are fled, is an evil one
would wish wholly to avoid, or at least to postpone for the longest
date possible: but when I consider _her_ welfare, ought I to indulge
myself in such a wish? Her life is already become a burden to her;
her infirmities are painful, and without hope of cure; she longs to be
released, and to receive that reward of her righteousness, which
cannot be obtained on this side of the grave.
If we had a friend, who, in compassion to our wants or weakness,
consented to live with us, though under the pressure of years and
bodily pain; and that friend were invited to a remote country, with an
assurance of recovering health, of having youth renewed, and of
possessing all the riches, power, honours, and accumulated pleasures
that this world can bestow; should we not blush to own even a wish to
detain him from such a station? What but a love of ourselves,
superior to that which we bear to our friend, could suggest such a
thought? How much more to be desired then is the change, to which
my mother looks forward, with an assured hope!
But there is something dismal in the idea of death! 'tis only our
prejudices make it so. I have been endeavouring for many days past
to familiarise it to my thoughts, and to consider death only as the
name of a region through which my mother is to pass, in order to get
at that delightful country to which she is invited, and whither _I_ shall
assuredly follow her. Such is the present frame of my mind; judge
then, my sister, if this philosophy will not bear me up against the
unexpected blow when it falls upon me.
_September 15_
'Tis strange, my Cecilia, that this best of parents, who had always so
tenderly loved me, expresses now not the least uneasiness at the
forlorn condition in which she must soon leave me. Her thoughts are
employed on higher objects, and she seems to have weaned herself
from all worldly attachments.
I am going from you, my daughter, said she to me just now, and have no
other legacy to leave you but a parent's blessing. Your brother
possesses all when I die; I wish you had the means of enjoying life with
comfort; but you must be contented. See that you bear your lot as
becomes you. I perceive your grief for the melancholy condition to which
I am now reduced; but added she smiling, I shall soon be released.
Remember how David behaved on the death of that son, whose life he had
so earnestly besought of his maker: let that serve you as an example,
not to give yourself up to unprofitable sorrow. Bring up your children
in the principles that I taught _you_, and God will take care of them;
for _I have never seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging
their bread_.
She said, she found herself drowsy, and desired me to leave her for a
while. I have left her, going I hope to get a little sleep; she breathes
with so much difficulty that she cannot bear to lie down, and never gets
any rest but by snatches, as she sits in an arm-chair supported by
pillows.
How heavy and cast down do I feel my spirits; but I know the
worst--_that_ is something.--
It is all over: and my mother, blessed woman! opens not her eyes again
but to a joyful resurrection. Oh, my dear, there is no terror in death
when he seizes us not unprepared! I went into my mother's chamber, in
about half an hour after I had quitted it, at her desire: I found her
leaning back in her chair, her eyes shut, and a complacent air diffused
over her face, which made me hope that her slumber was sweeter, and more
profound than usual. I sat down by her to contemplate her benign
countenance; and was some minutes before I discovered that she did not
breathe. I took her hand, she had no pulse; and I soon found that the
happy spirit had escaped from its house of clay. May _I_ die the death
of the righteous, and my latter end be like hers! No murmurings, no, no
my sister, I will be patience itself!
_September 25_
I have sent the remains of my venerable parent down to Sidney-Castle,
there to be interred with her ancestors. I wrote my brother an
account of her death on the day it happened, but have as yet received
no answer. Unnatural son! but I will not reproach him; some accident
might have prevented his writing immediately on the receipt of my
letter. He never intirely forsook the duty he owed his mother, but he
has of late been quite estranged from us; his wife, vain, weak and
imperious, governs him totally. I must now begin to look about me for
a place of abode suited to my present circumstances. My whole
income would not pay more than half the rent of these lodgings in
which I have lived with my dear mother. My poor Patty! I am grieved
for _her_. I begged of her to seek another mistress, who might be able
to reward her merit, and provide for her as she deserves; but the
worthy affectionate girl told me, it would break her heart, if I talked
of parting with her. You must have a servant of some sort, Madam,
said she, why may not I do as well as another? If I were able to make
you a proper return, Patty, said I, you should not leave me; but I
cannot afford to pay a servant of your abilities as you deserve; and I
must be my own maid for the future. Never, never, Madam, cried the
honest creature, bursting into tears, while I have hands to serve you.
Let me but attend on you, and the two dear children; I desire
nothing.--I want nothing. Your goodness has all along supplied me
so, that I am sure I have clothes enough to serve me during my life;
and if I could not put up with the same humble way of living that my
mistress does, sure I should be a presumptuous wretch! My tears
thanked the grateful girl; and taking her by the hand, I told her, that I
would not talk of parting for the present, but when any thing worth
her acceptance offered, I should then insist on her embracing it.
I am determined to retire to some village at a distance from
London, and either to take a little cottage to myself, or board with my
children at some farm-house, as I shall find most convenient. Fifty
pounds a year will be but a slender support for three persons brought
up in affluence. My little ones indeed will not now be sensible of the
change, and by the time they are grown up, they will be so inured to
their homely board, that they will not, I hope, aspire after what
cannot consistently (perhaps,) with virtue, lie within their reach.
_October 27_
After paying the expences of my mother's funeral, discharging our
lodgings, and some other demands, I find my purse will be so extremely
reduced, that I shall have but barely enough to keep out want, till my
small income becomes due to me. I must therefore, for the present, defer
putting my scheme into execution, as I am not qualified to undertake a
journey with my little family; especially as I am as yet uncertain what
place to fix on for my residence; neither will I afford my brother
(though I have no reason to expect any thing from him), a farther
pretence for reproaching me, by giving him room to say, I left London
without consulting him, or waiting for his return to it. I shall
therefore look out a lodging of a small price, where I will conceal
myself from every body that knows me, and wait for Sir George's arrival.
_October 28_
How happy you make me, my ever dear friend, by your approbation of my
conduct; since my receiving your last packet, which came into my hand
late last night, I am better reconciled to my present lot than I was
before I heard from you. I _could not do otherwise_, you say, after my
solemn promise given to Miss Burchell, than use my utmost endeavours to
promote her marriage with Mr Faulkland. True; I could not: but I wish
you had entered more into my sentiments, in regard to those punctilios,
which, you tell me, you think _might_ have been got over, if that young
woman had been out of the question. I could not help smiling at your
wish, unchristian as it was; but my dear, if that _were_ to happen, do
you think Mr Faulkland so void of reason, nay of feeling, as after all
that has past to persevere? Or if he did, that I could be so mean as to
owe the very bread that I and my children should eat, to his generosity?
Would you, my Cecilia, wish to see your friend so humbled? 'Tis not in
the power even of the cold, hard hand of poverty itself, to dash me so
low as that would do. But where is the need of forming resolutions, or
even making declarations about what never _can_ happen? I see
notwithstanding, that you think my heart has _again_ done itself some
violence: You know that heart too well for me to attempt to hide from
you its secret workings. I own to you honestly I now feel my own
unhappiness in its full extent. I look back, and take a survey of the
past, and cannot help thinking that I have had the most wayward fate
allotted me that ever woman had.
Disappointment in a first love, has, I think been ever accounted a grief
scarce surmountable even by time: but this can only be the case, where
the heart, extremely vulnerable by nature (like Miss Burchell's) suffers
itself to be so entirely immersed in that passion, that all other duties
of life are swallowed up in it; and where an indolent turn of mind, a
want of rational avocations, and perhaps of a new object, all contribute
to indulge and confirm the disease. This you know was not my case. I
loved, 'tis true; but it was with temperance; and though my
disappointment afflicted me, it did not subdue me. I got the better of
it, I think I got the better of it even before I married; but sure I am,
I totally conquered all remembrance of it after I became a wife. I then
laid down a new scheme of happiness, and was for a time in possession of
it; how I was thrown from this is still bitter to remembrance. You well
know what I suffered, when I found myself deprived of my husband's love,
and suspected of a crime at which my soul shrunk. But it pleased the
just God to deliver me from this heavy misfortune, and I think the
happiest days of my marriage were those which I passed with Mr Arnold
after our reunion. Then it was, I was thoroughly sensible that the heart
_can_ love a second time, truly and ardently; but I was soon again
plunged into affliction by the death of a husband endeared to me more
than ever by his misfortunes. My grief for him was proportionate to my
love. Yet, my friend, as time is an universal conqueror, it might have
healed this wound as well as the former one; and a few, a very few years
would perhaps have disposed me to return Mr Faulkland's still unabated
passion, if a variety of circumstances had not interposed, that strongly
forbad our union. Convinced as I was of this, I acted agreeably to the
dictates both of my reason, and my conscience, in persuading Mr
Faulkland to make Miss Burchell his wife. I should have been grieved and
mortified had he rejected her, and I had determined never to have seen
him more. Yet how deceitful is the human heart! this very act which I
laboured with so much assiduity to accomplish, and on the accomplishment
of which, I had founded, I know not how, a sort of contentment for
myself, has been the very means of destroying what little peace of mind
I was beginning to taste before. Sure that man was born to torment me in
a variety of ways! If I was disappointed in my early love, I had however
duty, and a consciousness of what I then thought superior worth, to
support me. If on his account I suffered cruel and injurious aspersions,
the innocence of my own self-acquitted heart bore me up under it: but he
has at length found the way to punish me without leaving me any
resource. My pride is of no use, he has raised himself in my esteem
superior to every thing! His whole behaviour so generous, so candid; a
love so disinterested, so fervent; what noble, what uncommon proofs has
he given me of it! and at length what a triumphant sacrifice has he made
of that overruling passion, to the sober calls of reason and humanity!
He has left me, my dear, to gaze after him with grateful admiration! and
sometimes perhaps to sigh that our fates rendered it impossible for us
to meet. But if I do sometimes sigh, it is not at the advantages of
fortune, which I might have enjoyed with him; no, no, surrounded as I am
with distress, I do not envy Miss Burchell's affluence or splendor. If
_that_ motive could have had weight with me, I might have been mean
enough not to have acted as I have done. 'Tis the qualities of the man's
mind I esteem; I think our souls have something congenial in them, and
that we were originally designed for each other. And if I believed the
doctrine which teaches us that there are little officious spirits that
preside over the actions of men, I should think that our two evil
geniuses laid their heads together in conjunction with Miss Burchell's
active demon, to thwart and cross all our measures.
I have nothing now left but to pray for the happiness of one whose lot
in this life he has suffered _me_ to determine; and to beseech Heaven
that he may never stand in that fatal predicament which Sir George, with
such outrageous barbarity, marked out in his vile letter.
I now return to myself, and to my present state; which I think I may say
brings up the rear of my misfortunes. Let the chastisement stop here,
and I shall bow me to it with resignation.
_October 29_
Ah, my Cecilia, what an aggravation is here to the already too deep
regret I began to feel on Mr Faulkland's account! His triumph over me is
now complete!
In sorting my mother's papers (as I am to leave these lodgings tomorrow)
I found that letter which Mr Faulkland wrote to my brother from Bath.
You may remember I told you my mother had, in her resentment, flung it
to Sir George, and that, as it happened to fall on the ground, he had
quitted the room in a passion without taking it up. My mother, I
suppose, when she cooled, laid it by, though I dare say she never looked
into it afterwards. Read it, and see by what a fatality we have been
governed.
Mr Faulkland's letter to Sir George Bidulph.
_Bath, May 9, 1703_
'How you mortify me, my dear Bidulph, when you tell me of the
happiness I lost by staying so long at Bath! _The ladies are
impatient to see me_, say you? Ah, Sir George, thou hast spoke
better of me than I deserve, I fear.
'I am sadly out of humour with myself at present. I have got into
a very foolish sort of a scrape here. My wrist is quite well, and
I should have thrown myself at Miss Bidulph's feet before now,
but to tell you a secret, my virtue not being proof against
temptation, I have been intercepted.
''Tis but a slight lapse, however, a flying affair; neither my
honour, nor my heart in the question. A little vagrant Cupid has
contented himself with picking my pocket, just lightly fluttering
through my breast, and away.
'Are you fallen so low as that, Faulkland, say you? to _buy_ the
favour of the fair? No, George, no; not quite so contemptible as
that neither; and yet, faith, I did _buy_ it too, for it cost me
three hundred pounds; but the lady to whom I am obliged knows
nothing of this part of her own history; at least, I hope so, for
my credit sake. The case in short is this: an old gouty officer,
and his wife (a very notable dame; a fine woman too) happened to
lodge in the same house with me. The man came hither to get rid of
his aches; the lady of her money, and her virtue, if she has any,
for she is eternally at the card tables.
'Under the conduct of this hopeful guide, came a niece of the
husband's; an extremely fine girl, innocent too, I believe, and
the best dancer I ever saw. I don't know how it happened, but she
took a fancy to me, which, upon my word, and I am sure you have no
doubts of me, I was far from wishing to improve. You know I always
despise the mean triumph of gaining a heart, for which I could not
give another in return. I saw with pain her growing inclination
for me; but as we lived in the same house, and met every day in
the rooms, it was impossible for me to avoid her as much as I
wished to do. The aunt I found, had her eyes upon me, and took
some pains to promote a liking on my side. I saw her design, and
was so much upon my guard, that she, who I soon found was an adept
in love-matters, almost despaired of gaining her ends. The young
lady's inclination however seemed to increase; a pair of fine blue
eyes told me so every day; and I was upon the point of flying to
avoid the soft contagion, when an accident happened that totally
overthrew all my good resolutions.
'I had not seen the young lady for two or three days; I enquired
for her, and her aunt answered, with a mysterious smile, She is
ill, poor thing, why don't you look in upon her, and ask her how
she does? I replied, if the lady will permit me, I will do myself
that honour, and intended literally to have kept my word, by just
asking her at her chamber door how she did.
'You are very cruel, said the aunt; would you persuade me that you
don't know the girl is in love with you? Oh, your Servant, Madam;
if you think me vain, I thank you for the reprimand. Come, come,
said she, this is all affectation, we'll drink tea with her this
evening. Upon my word, said I, if I am to believe what you say, I
think you ought not to desire me. I am not blind to the young
lady's merit, but am so unfortunate as not to have it in my power
to make such returns as she deserves. I found the occasion
required my being serious.
'If you have not love, said she, you may at least have a little
complaisance. Was there ever such a barbarian, not to go and see a
woman that is dying for him? I promised to bring you, and she
expects you. What is the pretty creature afraid of (patting my
cheek). I'll stay by it all the while. There was no withstanding
this; I promised to wait on her.
'She knocked at my door about six o'clock, and looking in, asked
if the coy Narcissus was ready? I went with her, and she led me
directly to her niece's chamber. The young lady looked pale and
languishing, but very pretty. I was really grieved to see her, and
enquired with an unaffected concern after her health. The
tea-things were set, and I tried to force something like
conversation, but I believe I was rather formal.
'When we had done tea, the aunt looked at her watch, started off
her chair, said she had outstaid her appointment with the party
she was to meet at cards, and turning to me, I hope, Sir, you will
have the _Charity_ to stay with my niece; and then hurried out of
the room. I begged leave to hand her to her chair, intending to
take that opportunity of slipping away, and resolved to quit the
house the next morning. But the determined gipsey was prepared for
this motion, and insisting that I should not stir, thrust me back
from the door, which she shut, and flew down stairs.
'What was to become of me now, George? My situation was dangerous,
and really critical. To be short, I forgot my prudence, and found
the young lady's heart too, too tender.
'I never felt remorse before. I never had cause. I accuse myself
of indiscretion, but I have not the aggravating addition to my
fault of oaths and promises to fly in my face. I made none--love,
foolish love did all, and led a willing victim to his altar, who
asked nothing in return for the sacrifice she offered; and
received nothing but unavailing repentance on my side.
'I know not any thing now that would give me so much pleasure as
to find that the girl hated me heartily, though I have given her
no cause.
A just reparation I cannot make her. Every thing forbids that
thought. I do not consider myself as free; but if I were so, I am
not a seducer, and therefore do not think myself bound to carry my
penitence to such lengths. The damned aunt has been the serpent.
And here let me explain to you what I call buying the lady's
favour. You must know the aunt one night (the greatest part of
which she had spent at hazard) lost two hundred pounds; at least
she told me so the next morning, and with tears in her eyes
besought me, in the most earnest manner, to lend her that sum. She
said, she should be undone if her husband were to know it, and
that she would pay me in a very few days, as she had as much due
to her from different people who had lost to her at play. Though
our very short acquaintance could hardly warrant her making such a
request, I nevertheless did not hesitate, but gave her the money
directly. She meant indeed to pay me, but it was in a different
coin, and this I suppose was the price she set on the unhappy
girl's honour.
'My reflections on this unlucky affair make me very grave. I have
explained my situation to the young lady, and expressed my concern
at not having it in my power to be any other than a friend to her.
She blames her own weakness, and her aunt's conduct, but does not
reproach me. She cannot with justice, yet I wish she would, for
then I should reproach myself less.
''Tis a foolish business, and I must get off as handsomely as I
can. Prithee, Bidulph, say something to encourage me, and put me
into more favour with myself. You have often been my confessor,
but I never wanted absolution so much as now; nor ever was so well
intitled to it, for I am really full of penitence, and look _so_
mortified, you would pity me. I am ashamed of having been
surprised into a folly; I who _ought_ to have been upon my guard,
knowing the natural impetuosity of my temper.
'I must not conclude without telling you, that this very morning,
the precious aunt, instead of paying me the two hundred pounds she
had of me before, very modestly requested I would oblige her with
another hundred, to redeem a pair of diamond ear-rings which she
had been obliged to part with for the supply of some other
necessary demands; and with abundance of smooth speeches, she
assured me, in a fortnight she would pay me all together, having
notes to that value which would then become due to her. I was such
a booby as to give it to her.--Why, fare it well--I never expect
to see a shilling of it. She thinks, perhaps, there is value
received for it. Vile woman! The affair fortunately for us all,
has not taken wind; and for me, the names of both aunt and niece,
may ever stand enrolled amongst those of chaste matrons and
virgins. The family quits this place soon, as the old gentleman is
better.
'I thank you for your care, in relation to my house, I hope to
take possession of it in a week or ten days; you are very good in
fixing me so near yourself. Adieu.
'I am, &c.
What do you think of this letter, my Cecilia, written in confidence to
my brother? Mr Faulkland could not conceive it probable that any body
but Sir George should ever see it; he had no reason therefore to gloss
over any of the circumstances. _Had_ I seen it but in time--Oh what
anguish of heart might we all have been spared! Miss Burchell singly as
she _ought_, would have borne the punishment of her folly.
My mother had not patience to read this letter through; nice and
punctilious as her virtue was, she passed a censure on the crime in
gross, without admitting any palliating circumstance. But I blame her
not; the excellence of her own morals, made her scrupulous in weighing
those of others; she read the letter in a cursory way, and it is plain
but half of it; prepossessed as she was before, by knowing the material
point.
The account was given with levity at the _first_ mention of the young
lady. Then she understood he had bought her of her aunt; there is a
paragraph which _looks_ like it, and to be sure she attended not to the
explanation. Fatal oversight! she read not far enough to have this
matter cleared up. She took nothing but the bare facts into her account.
A young lady dishonoured, her disgrace likely to be public, then her
tenderness for the man who had undone her, and that man rejecting her,
and on the point of marrying another. These were the only points of view
in which my mother beheld the story. Her justice, her humanity, and her
religion prompted her to act as she did; and her conduct stands fully
acquitted to my judgment, though my heart must upon this full conviction
of Mr Faulkland's honour, sigh at recollecting the past.
I know that the memory of my mother's own first disastrous love wrought
strongly on her mind. She was warm in her passions, liable to deep
impressions, and always adhered strictly to those opinions she first
imbibed. Her education had been severe and recluse; and she had drawn
all her ideas of mankind from her own father and mine, who, I have been
told, were both men of exemplary lives. From all these considerations, I
must again say, that I entirely acquit my dear mother, in regard to her
whole conduct, however I have suffered by it.
_October 30_
I am now fixed in a very humble situation. Shall I own it to you, my
Cecilia? I was shocked at the change. A room two pairs of stairs high,
with a closet, and a small indifferent parlour, compose the whole of my
apartment. Hither did my faithful Patty, my two children, and myself,
remove this day. It put us not to much trouble, having nothing to take
with us but our wearing apparel, which is all the worldly goods of which
I am now possessed.
When I wrote to Lady V----, (which was a day or two before my mother's
death) I mentioned not that she was then in so dangerous a way. I know
the generosity and good nature of that worthy woman; but I have already
been too much obliged to her to lay any fresh tax on her friendship,
which I am sure she would too readily pay, if she were acquainted with
my situation. I shall therefore, as long as I can, defer acquainting her
with my mother's death; and when I do, I shall not give her room to
suspect that my brother has cast me off, which I have now too much
reason to believe he has; otherwise sure, in more than a fortnight, he
might have found time to write to me. I neither expect ceremony, nor
tenderness from him; but the occasion of my letter demanded some notice.
_November 2_
Patty has just now been informed, that Lady Sarah Bidulph is arrived in
town. She met one of their servants, who told her that my brother is not
come with her; it seems, they parted on the road. He is gone to Sidney
Castle, which is now his, and Lady Sarah chose to come to London. She
has, I find, been in London four days, though she has not yet vouchsafed
to send me any notice of her arrival. She could not be at a loss where
to find me, as I left my direction at my former lodging, in case of any
letter or message, coming from any of my friends; though I desired the
people of the house not to inform any indifferent visitants where I was
to be found.
Though George has, in his turbulent way, renounced me as his
sister, yet sure his wife, whom I never disobliged, ought not to depart
so from humanity and common good breeding, as not to enquire after
the sister of her husband, who has an occasion of grief so recent, in
which she ought to partake. I shall not however take notice of this
slight, but am preparing to send Patty to her, with an enquiry after
her health, and to know when my brother is expected in town.--
Patty is just returned from her embassy to Lady Sarah; I will give
you the conversation she had with her.
Patty sent in her message, with great respect, by a footman, and
waited for her answer in the hall; though her pretty figure and
genteel mourning-dress had induced the servant to ask her into the
house-keeper's room.
Lady Sarah was alone in the parlour, and desired her to be called
to the door. So, young woman, said she, your mistress desires to
know when Sir George will be in town. I am really surprised, after
the letter she received from him, that she can fancy Sir George
means to concern himself about her. Do you know her business with
him? you are in your mistress's secrets I suppose. I do not know,
Madam, answered Patty, what particular business my lady may have;
but I believe it would be a comfort to her to see her brother in her
present melancholy circumstances. I don't know that there is any
thing uncommonly melancholy in her circumstances, replied the lady;
her mother's years and infirmities made her death a thing to be
looked for; I suppose your mistress is not in _want_. My poor
ingenuous Patty said she blushed at the cruel indifference with which
Lady Sarah said this. Not in immediate want, Madam, I hope, but
your ladyship must needs think she is in a destitute way, with two
children, and but fifty pounds a year in the world. What do you
mean, woman, cried Lady Sarah? it is impossible but Lady Bidulph
must have left money behind her; Sir George, I am sure, has got
nothing but what she could not keep from him. Patty answered, Lady
Bidulph, Madam, left no money behind her more than what was
barely sufficient to defray some necessary expences that occurred
immediately after her death. Well, and so your mistress, I suppose,
after having behaved so ill as she has done to her brother, expects he
should provide handsomely for her, and her children; _Arnold's_
children for the rest of their lives. I know not, Madam, returned
Patty, what my Lady's expectations are, but I believe she would be
very glad to see Sir George before she goes out of town, or at least
inform him of her design. What _is_ her design, pray, asked Lady
Sarah? To retire into the country, Madam, as she has not
wherewithal to subsist on in London. She can't do better, I think,
said the Lady. Where does she live now? My poor maid, who thought
this question tended to the proud woman's calling on, or at least
sending to me, made haste to inform her; she lodges, Madam, at a
milliner's, at the corner of the Haymarket, the left hand as you turn--Oh
dear! pray stop: you need not be so particular, I have no design of
paying her a visit in her corner-shop; my only reason for enquiring
was, to know whether she had thought proper to keep those
expensive lodgings her mother was in, in expectation of Sir George's
continuing _her_ in them. My Lady has no such view, I believe,
Madam. Well, you may tell your _Lady_, that if she will go out of town
with her children, I will prevail on Sir George to allow her
something. He will not be in town this month, so that she need not
wait for his arrival. She might, if she would have been guided by her
brother, have been a credit to her friends, instead of what she now is.
Patty owns, she was so full of indignation, that she wished at that
moment not to have been a servant, that she might have reproached
her with her hard-heartedness. Oh, my dear, these are the stings of
poverty! It is not the hard bed, nor the homely board, but the
oppressive insolence of proud prosperity; 'tis that only which can
inflict a wound on the ingenuous mind.
As for that mean woman, I despise her too much to suffer myself
to be obliged to her. _She will endeavour to prevail on my brother._ If his
own heart cannot prevail on him, I disclaim her influence; I know she
means not to use it in my favour; on the contrary, I make no doubt
but she will endeavour to irritate Sir George gainst me by
misrepresentations. Her pride makes her wish to have an indigent
relation out of the way, yet her avarice would not suffer her to enable
me to retire; and she will make my continuing here through necessity
a pretence for still with-holding any assistance from me. Let it be so;
I would rather submit to the most abject drudgery, than owe a
wretched dependant existence to such a woman. I am sure my
brother, notwithstanding his resentment, if he knew what my
situation truly is, would not behave with cruelty; but my mind is not
become so sordid, fallen as I am, as to turn petitioner for relief. But
no more, my Cecilia, let not my fate interrupt your happiness.
_November 4_
I have had a letter from Mrs Faulkland, filled with the overflowings of
a joyful heart. She says, Mr Faulkland is so delighted with the country
he is in, and finds his estate capable of such vast improvement, that he
thinks of making a longer residence there than he at first intended: the
rather as he has some suspicions that his agent has not acted faithfully
by him; and as he is sure the extensive plan that he has now laid down,
will be better executed under his own eye. He purposes building a little
convenient lodge on a very charming spot in the centre of his estate,
where he may reside whilst his works are carrying on; so that Mrs
Faulkland promises herself much pleasure, in spending her time partly
there and partly in Dublin. She has already made a large circle of
acquaintance, and bestows high encomiums on the great politeness and
hospitality with which they are received by all the fashionable people
in the county.
She knows not of my mother's death; yet in my answer to her letter, I
cannot avoid mentioning it. Though I could wish for obvious reasons to
conceal it. Mr Faulkland well knows the ruin of our fortune; and though
he cannot suppose while I have a brother living that I am driven to such
streights, yet I know what his liberal heart may suggest to him on this
occasion, which might lay me under fresh difficulties.
I have but just now apprised Lady V---- of the decease of my dear
mother, but have not insinuated any other grief than the loss of a
tender parent, and an agreeable companion. Indeed I have carried my
dissimulation so far as not to desire this lady to change her address to
me, lest if I gave her my present direction, she might be led to think,
necessity had obliged me to change my former lodgings for worse. I shall
use the same precaution towards Mrs Faulkland, as I have obtained
permission from the gentlewoman whose house I lately left, to have my
letters sent thither: when I go into the country a general direction to
the post-house may suffice. I shall now look out for some little spot to
retire to, where I can support life on the cheapest terms. In two months
I shall have my small pittance due to me, which I reserve to carry me
out of town, and to settle me in my new scheme of oeconomy in the
country. If I could persuade my poor Patty to quit me, and see her
settled in some eligible situation, I should then have no material
concern to attend to, but the bringing up my children in the paths of
virtue and humility. Humility, that happy frame of mind, on which so
much of our temporal as well as our eternal welfare depends.
_November 9_
Who shall say, now is the measure of my griefs complete: Providence thou
canst inflict no more! Oh my sister, in the midst of other sorrows, I
thought not of one that still remained behind; my children, my two
little angels! both dangerously ill. The small-pox is their distemper,
and of the worst kind. The disease has been hanging over them for some
days, and my close attendance on them, prevented me from using my pen.
The cruel distemper now appears with the most malignant symptoms. The
eldest always slept with me; I have resigned my bed to her for these
three last nights, and have watched by her. Patty has done the same by
the youngest. A humane and skilful physician attends them, but my
reliance rests not on him.
_November 12_
Three days and nights of sorrowful anxiety have at length produced a
little comfort to me. The distemper has now reached one crisis, whence
the physician can form a judgment with some degree of certainty, and he
bids me hope. Oh if it were not for that healing word, how could the
wretched drag on existence from day to day? I do, I will hope, for there
is a merciful providence that superintends his works.
_November 21_
Thank God! thank God! my Cecilia, the dear babes are out of danger.
Fifteen melancholy days and nights has their disconsolate mother watched
by the poor little sufferers; but I am fully repaid by having them
restored to my prayers. They are now able to sit up, and open their
pretty eyes which had been closed for so many days; and to add to my
satisfaction I think they will not be marked: but they are still so
feeble that it will be at least another fortnight before I can think of
venturing their little tender frames out of doors.
The physician's care and diligence deserved a greater recompence than I
had it in my power to make him; however what I have done has reduced me
to a single guinea. But this affects me not I shall make no difficulty
of parting with some of my now unnecessary fineries, which neither I nor
my children probably will ever again have any pretensions to wear.
_November 22_
I have felt the wounds of grief, the pangs of disappointment, and the
smart of indignation! yet was my heart never more sensibly affected than
it was just now by a circumstance proceeding from a cause very different
from all these. I had taken out of my drawers a few superfluous
ornaments, which I desired Patty to dispose of as if they were her own,
to the woman where we lodge; being things in her own way of business.
The poor girl looked at me for some time with a grief in her countenance
that pierced me to the soul. There is no need, Madam, said she, with her
voice almost stifled, there is no need I hope as yet for this. You don't
consider, Patty, said I, that the children's weak constitution requires
now a more than ordinary attention to their diet; and I have not
sufficient to supply them long with such necessaries as they want. I
have no occasion for these trifles, and I cannot see my little ones
droop for want of such comfortable nourishment as may restore them to
their strength. Nor shall they want it Madam, answered Patty; don't be
angry with me Madam, if I beg you will let me use my endeavours to
supply them. What do you mean, said I, I know the goodness of your
disposition, but how have you it in your power? You know Madam, said
she, I am pretty expert at my needle; and as our landlady has always
abundance of work on her hands, I undertook to assist her, and have for
this fortnight past, while I was closely confined to miss's room,
finished a piece of curious work, for which she has this day paid me
thirty shillings. You amaze me, said I, I never saw you employed
otherwise than in your attendance on the child. I was afraid you would
be displeased, Madam, she replied, and always hid my work when you came
into the room, which I could easily do, as it was only a fine piece of
point which I was grounding; and as I sat up night and day, I had an
opportunity of sticking most constantly to it, which enabled me to do in
a fortnight, what to another hand would be a month's labour. Now, Madam,
with your leave, I can go on in this manner, and though perhaps I cannot
always earn so much, yet I am sure I can still procure enough to prevent
your being drove to the necessity of parting with your apparel, till we
are in a condition to leave such an expensive place as London is. And do
you think, my dear Patty, said I, with tears of affection and gratitude
in my eyes, that I will consent to take the fruits of your ingenious and
honest industry from you? No, no, if you can find time by these means to
procure a little supply for your own pocket, do so; but I will not
suffer you to expend a farthing of what you can earn, on my account. I
saw she looked distressed and confounded; excuse me, Madam, said she,
but I have made bold to lay out part of the money already; I thought the
poor children would want a little wine to nourish them, and indeed,
Madam, your spirits want some support after your long fatigue. I have
bought a few bottles of wine, Madam, and some other little necessaries;
I hope you will not take it ill.
I pressed the affectionate creature's hand; I cannot be angry with you,
Patty, for your goodness, but such proofs of it as these distress me
more than my wants could. I accept of your kindness for this time, but
insist on your not doing such a thing again. If there be occasion for
it, I can apply to my needle as well as you, and would sooner do so,
than part with any of my things, since it gives you so much uneasiness.
The poor girl was rejoiced at my acceptance of her friendly and tender
offer, and produced her little purchase, which was indeed both
seasonable and useful.
_November 23_
I had this day a letter from Lady V----. I send you a copy of it.
'I condole with you, my dear Mrs Arnold, on the afflicting loss
you sustained in your good mother's death. You mention not any
particular consequences from this accident; but I know, that by
Lady Bidulph's death, you are deprived of a considerable part of
your income, and on this account I have taken the liberty of
friendship, to send you a supply, which your family-calls may
require, till your affairs are settled upon a better footing.
'Let me know how you and your brother stand; if he should not be
so kind to you as he ought, I insist upon your looking on me as
your banker, who know not how to make so good a use of my income,
as sharing it with those I love as I do you.
'I am, &c.'
The supply which Lady V---- mentioned, accompanied this letter, and was
a bank bill of three hundred pounds.
I own to you, my Cecilia, that my first emotions were only those of joy,
surprize, and gratitude, for so unexpected and important a donation; but
when those were a little subsided, I began to reflect on the nature, and
manner of this noble act of friendship. I know Lady V---- is one of the
best women living; she is generous, and compassionate, and has always
honoured me with a particular regard; yet I must confess to you, her
present now comes to me suspected. I believe I told you, that Lady V----
had retired into Lancashire, to live with an only sister she has there:
this Lady is a widow, and I have since been informed, was left with a
very numerous young family, and an income scarce sufficient to support
them genteely; they are now most of them grown up, and all the girls, of
which there are five, unprovided for. Since Lady V----'s departure, I
have been told, that it was principally on account of these young girls,
of whom she is extremely fond, that she went to reside with her sister,
in order to support them more agreeably to their rank; their father
having been a general officer, and a man of high birth. Lady V----'s
jointure is a thousand pound a year; but as I hear the family make a
respectable figure in the country, and I am sure Lady V----'s fondness
for her nieces, would induce her to save what she could, in order to
leave them something at her death, I cannot reconcile it to her
prudence, notwithstanding the liberality of her spirit, and the
friendship she has for me, that she should make so considerable a
present, at the same time give me as it were an unbounded letter of
credit on her. Had she sent me the sixth part of the sum, I should not
have doubted its being only the effects of her kindness towards me; and
in her present situation, as considerable a proof of it, as she ought in
regard to have given to one whom she has already bound under strong
obligations. But the largeness of the sum renders it suspicious; and to
tell you the secret inspirations of my heart, I fear it comes from a
different quarter.
I made Mrs Faulkland acquainted with my mother's death, about the same
time that I informed Lady V---- of it. To neither did I give the most
distant hint of my circumstances, yet Mr Faulkland knows they cannot be
happy. He too knows better than any body, how far Sir George's
resentment may carry him. Is it not natural then, my dear, to imagine
that this man, who is generosity itself, should have taken this method
of making Lady V---- the channel through which he conveys his
liberality? I am sure it must be so. It is three weeks since Lady V----
had the notice of my mother's death; Why thought she not sooner of
reaching out her supporting hand, if she imagined I stood in need of it?
I gave her no cause to believe I did; otherwise I make no question of
her ready friendship, as far as her abilities would go: but _she_ could
not know as well as Mr Faulkland how much my brother was exasperated
against me, and therefore could not suppose me to be as destitute as I
really am. She desires to know how my brother and I stand. This question
is not Her's; Sir George, for his own credit, perhaps has not told Mr
Faulkland what his conduct has been towards me, but he wants to be
informed. Contriving man! I will disappoint him; nor shall he heap such
obligations on me as must sink me under their weight. I will not receive
this suspected gift of Lady V----'s; but it is a delicate point, and,
whilst I refuse, I must take care not to offend. I will send Lady V----
her bill back again, but in such a manner as to shew her, I refuse her
gift for no other reason but its being too valuable.
_November 24_
See, my Cecilia, whether I have succeeded in my endeavours to
refuse, with a good grace, my Lady V----'s offered kindness.
This is my answer to her.
To Lady V----.
'You oppress me, my dear and ever honoured Lady V----, by a
generosity and friendship that knows no bounds. Why will you force
me to appear proud, or ungrateful, by refusing the favours of so
true a friend? But, my dear Madam, do not believe me either the
one or the other. Had you sent me a trifling token of your love,
you would have been convinced of my respect for you, by the
thankfulness with which I would have accepted it; but do not seek
to humble me so far, my good Lady V----, by heaping favours on me,
which I can never have a prospect of returning. With equal respect
and gratitude, permit me, Madam, to return your too considerable
present. I cannot in honour, receive a liberality, which I am so
little intitled to; and the less, as Justice now demands, that
your bounteous heart, so diffusive in its generosity, should a
little restrain itself.
'I cannot say that my circumstances are as happy as they have
been; yet have I, I thank Heaven, accommodated my mind to them. My
brother has not been in town since my mother's death; but I am not
without hope that he will make my situation easy. On this account,
I know my dear Lady V---- will the more readily pardon my refusal
of her obliging offer, and believe that her goodness is not
bestowed on an unthankful heart.
'I am, &c.'
In this letter I re-inclosed her bill, and have sent it off. Did I not
well, my Cecilia? If, as I strongly suspect, this present came from Mr
Faulkland, I should never endure myself, had I retained it. If it should
have really come from Lady V---- herself, I must still approve my own
conduct. The sum (circumstanced as she now is) was certainly too much
for _her_ to bestow, or _me_ to receive; and in the manner of my
refusal, I think I have insinuated this, with as much deference for Lady
V----'s judgment as I could shew. She will see my motive, and I think
that will be a sort of touch-stone, whereby I shall discover, from her
behaviour, whether my doubts are well grounded or not.--
Patty has, by her inquiries, heard of a little pleasant retirement in
the country, about fifty miles off, where my children and I can be
tolerably lodged and boarded for thirty pounds a year, at the house of
an honest farmer, a relation of hers; thither I shall repair as soon as
my little girls are in a condition to be removed.
[_Continued by Patty._]
_November 26_
The dismal task is fallen upon me again, to keep an account of our
melancholy days. My dear suffering lady is seized with a fever, and
confined to her bed. She orders me, Madam, to write down every thing as
it happens. Lord keep us! there is nothing but sorrows in this world: I
am sure, at least, my poor lady has had her full share of them. Her
close attendance on the children, and the loss of rest for so many
nights, has brought this new affliction on her. Oh, Madam, the loss of
health is a grievous thing, even when there are riches: what must it be
in my lady's circumstances? But she has the patience of Job himself. To
be sure, Madam, her trials are enough to put another beside themselves;
but I think my lady's courage increases with her troubles. I was
obliged, to-day, with an aching heart, to dispose of a fine lace head of
my lady's. I heard her say, it cost sixty pounds; but, though it never
was wet but once, I got but fifteen for it, and this, perhaps, may all
go to the doctor, if my lady's illness continues long. What does it
signify? We cannot buy health too dear.
_November 30_
My lady is better between whiles; the doctor says, her disorder is
chiefly on her spirits; and, though it is not dangerous, he is afraid it
will be very tedious. Lord! what will become of us if it is?
_December 3_
My lady has had a letter this day, from Lady V----, which she has
ordered me to send you, Madam, a copy of.
To Mrs Arnold.
'You cannot imagine, my dear Mrs Arnold, how uneasy you have made
me, by your not accepting of the bill I sent you, because I too
well know the occasion you have for it. But, since you _have_
refused (and I know the sincerity and strength of your
resolutions) I must not take to myself the merit of this friendly
and generous offer; too liberal indeed, as you, with great
delicacy, hinted, for _me_ to make. To let you into the secret at
once, and that your gratitude may be directed to the proper place,
it was from our noble friend Mr Faulkland that I received that
sum, with instructions to send it to you, as from myself, for he
well knows you would not have accepted it from him; but, since I
see you are determined to reject it, as coming even from me, I
think I ought, in justice to him, to place this act of friendship
to the right account.
'I had a letter lately from Mr Faulkland, wherein he tells me,
that having heard, from your correspondence with Mrs Faulkland, of
Lady Bidulph's death, he fears you are by her loss, rendered
extremely unhappy in your circumstances. He is not a stranger to
the losses you formerly sustained in your fortune, and he says
besides, he knows your brother's warm temper so well, that he is
apprehensive he will carry an unreasonable resentment he has taken
up so far, as to deny you that brotherly kindness and assistance,
which you have a right to expect from him. "If this be the case"
(he adds) "what must be Mrs Arnold's situation?" He then conjures
me to convey to you that trifle (as he called it) under the
sanction of my own name, that being the only one from which he had
a hope it would not be refused; and he farther said, that if you
should be prevailed upon, on account of the friendship which he
knew there was between you and me, to accept of my service, he
would contrive, from time to time, to furnish you with such little
supplies, as might make you easy, 'till Sir George and you should
be on better terms. Now, my dear Mrs Arnold, you have the truth of
this whole affair. I own it was with great reluctance I lent my
name to impose on you, but, as it was so much for your benefit, I
overcame my scruple.
'I could wish your extreme nicety had not forbid you to accept
this offer: I have reason to be angry with you on this account;
yet my amiable, sagacious friend, perhaps you had your doubts. Be
that as it will, remember you said you would not have refused a
small token of my love; I wish I could send you one worthy of your
acceptance, and the love I bear you; we should then see whose
punctilio should get the better. As it is, I send you a very small
token, which I insist on your taking, if you have the least
occasion; if this should be the case, I know the candour of your
heart, and that you will be too ingenuous to grieve me by a
refusal.
'I hope Mr Faulkland will not be angry with me for betraying his
secret; But what would it now avail to keep it? I would have
_you_, as well as myself, know his worth. Oh how I lament--but it
is to no purpose--Adieu, my dear good creature! you are tried like
fine gold, and your excellence is become the more conspicuous by
adversity--.
'I am, &c.'
My Lady's spirits were greatly affected by reading this letter; she wept
bitterly, and was so cast down all day, I was afraid it would make her
disorder much worse. The good Lady V---- inclosed a bill of fifty pounds
in it. My Lady said she must not refuse it, but would thank her ladyship
whenever she was able to take a pen in her hand. God knows when that
will be; for though she struggles with her illness, it still gets the
mastery. The two young misses mend but slowly; they do not gather the
least strength, and one of them has such a weakness in her eyes that she
cannot bear the least light. Indeed, Madam, this is a most melancholy
family. I pray to God night and day to keep me in health, more for their
sakes than my own; for I think it would quite break my heart if they
should want my attendance, and I should not be able to give it to
them.--
_December 6_
I write on. Madam, as I am ordered, though I have but little to say, in
the confinement of a dismal sick room, where I never see any body but a
doctor and an apothecary: but my lady is unwilling to let this packet
go, till she is able herself to tell you (with her own hand) that she is
better, for fear my dull account should make you uneasy.
_December 7_
There is such changes and turns in my lady's disorder, that we do not
know what to make of it. One while we think she is a little better, and
then again the next hour she seems much worse than before. The doctor
would have a consultation, though my lady is quite against it; but these
doctors love to bring in one another. My Lady V----'s present came in
good time, but if they go on at this rate it will not last long. My lady
said to me to-day, Patty one would think that I was of great
consequence, and mighty happy, by this bustle to preserve my life; but
there is the tie (pointing to the two children); for their sakes I must
try to get well.
[After an interview of six weeks written by Mrs Arnold in a hand scarce
legible.]
_January 20_
Restored at length by the mercy of God from the jaws of death! restored
to my children, to my dear Cecilia, and just able to tell her with a
feeble hand that her Sidney lives--.
_January 25_
I am now able, my dear, to reassume that task, once the most pleasing of
my life, when health, joy, and prosperity gilded all my days. The scene
is now changed; and I think I have nothing the same about me, but the
feelings and affections of my mind. You cannot imagine, my Cecilia, how
I am altered; you would not now say, that you envied my white and red;
you would hardly know me, and it is not to be wondered at, preyed on as
I have been for near two months by a slow but tormenting fever. It is
with difficulty that I hold my pen, but my willing hand obeys my heart
when it would pour itself out to thee. I have made a shift to scrawl a
few lines to my good Lady V----, to thank her for her kindness. I could
not refuse it! it would indeed have been disingenuous, considering the
footing on which she put my acceptance of it. I should have been driven
to extreme streights, if it had not been for her present, confined as
long as I have been to the languishing bed of sickness.
_January 26_
Patty heard to-day that my brother has been in town some time, but he
takes no notice of me. I have not a relation in the world but himself.
He could not sure be so cruel, if he knew all. But Lady Sarah keeps it
from him; she thinks perhaps I am slunk into some obscure corner, where
she leaves me to distress. Sir George is not of a savage nature, yet his
humanity is not strong enough to seek out the afflicted. His pride too I
know is gratified by having me out of the way of observation, and so
long as I do not call upon him, I find he will not enquire after me.
The winter is now so far advanced, and I am in a condition so extremely
weak, that I cannot, till the spring advances a little, think of taking
my flight to my peaceful retreat in the country. I look eagerly forward
to the time of my enlargement; such I may call it, for indeed, my dear,
my spirits are quite exhausted with my long confinement in a little
close lodging in this irksome town.
_January 27_
The gentlewoman with whom I lodged in St Alban's-street, told Patty, who
went to her house to-day to enquire if there were any letters for me,
that there have been, at different times, several people of my former
acquaintance to look for me; but I do not find that one enquiry has come
from my brother. I had given the gentlewoman instructions not to tell
any stranger where I lodged. I believe this caution was needless, there
are few who give themselves the trouble to trace out the steps of the
unhappy; and I dare say, that those whom common form obliged to pay me a
visit of condolence on my mother's death, were none of them much hurt at
the disappointment of not finding me.--
_January 30_
I have been laying down a little sort of plan for my future life. I told
you the terms I could live upon with the farmer whom Patty found out for
me; but as I cannot expect to be boarded at so cheap a rate when my
children are grown bigger, I have been devising the means how to enlarge
my scanty income against the time that our wants must necessarily
increase; for I am firmly resolved my kind Lady V---- shall never
augment the debt I already owe her. You know, my dear, I am pretty
dexterous at my needle; the woman where I lodge deals in embroidery,
which is much in fashion, and I think I have not seen any, though she
pays largely to her artificers in this way, equal to some pieces of my
own work. Now, my Cecilia, I have resolved to apply myself to this when
I get into the country. I shewed the woman a small fire-skreen wrought
by me when I was a girl, the same which I remember my poor Mr Arnold
accused me of neglecting for my Horace, and which had never been made
up; she said the work was so curious, that she would give any price for
such a hand. Patty is well skilled in this sort of work too, and as I
find she is determined not to quit me, I must, in return, endeavour not
to let the poor girl be too great a sufferer for her kindness.
I think we shall between us be able to do a good deal, and my landlady
has promised to receive and dispose of our work for a small
consideration; as fast as we can send it to her; which we shall have
constant opportunities of doing.
You cannot imagine how pleased I am with my scheme. Patty is in raptures
at the thoughts of her being permitted to continue with me. I would even
now set about my project if my health would allow me; but alas! my
Cecilia, I am still so feeble, I am not able to sit up more than an hour
or two at a time; and cannot walk a-cross my narrow room without help.
Fresh air and a little gentle exercise would I am sure, more than any
thing, contribute to restore my strength; but the means to procure
these, are not conveniently within my power; so that I must wait that
slow, but generally sure remedy, patience.
_February 10_
I have a wonderful incident to relate to you! you, my Cecilia, I know
will join with me in admiring and praising God for his gracious
providence!
This morning I was but just risen and got down into my little parlour,
when Patty came to tell me, a man desired to speak with me. I
immediately ordered him to be admitted. Patty accordingly introduced the
person, who had stood in the entry whilst she was speaking to me. He
seemed to be a man between forty and fifty years old, mean in his
apparel, though clean. I nodded to my maid to leave the room, which when
she had done, I civilly demanded of the stranger his business.
I was standing when he entered the room, and continued doing so while I
spoke to him, not thinking from his appearance that he was intitled to
sit down with me. You know I am not proud, but there is a sort of usage
established, which we naturally fall into. The man who had advanced some
steps into the room, looked over his shoulder as if for a chair; so I
understood the motion, and accordingly sat down myself, and bad him do
so too. He did, and with an air as if he considered the civility to be
only what was due to him.
I believe, Madam, said he, though you do not remember me, that you
cannot be ignorant of your having had a relation of the name of Warner,
who went to the West-Indies about five and twenty years ago. I answered,
I do remember to have heard of such a person.
You see that unfortunate man before you, he replied; I am your near
relation, Madam, your father was my mother's only brother: I have been
very unhappy; I lost, in my return to England, what almost five and
twenty years industry had scraped together: the sum was but a moderate
one, yet sufficient to have supported me decently for the remainder of
my life. I asked him, how it happened? I began, said he, to grow sickly
abroad, and was told that my native air might restore me. This advice so
well agreed with my own inclinations, which were, for a long time past,
bent upon returning home, that I took the first opportunity of a ship
bound for England; but we were unluckily met by a French privateer, who
stripped me of every thing but the clothes on my back, and set me on
shore on the coast of Spain, whence I begged my passage to England,
having nothing to support me but a few shillings, part of a collection,
made for me and my fellow-sufferers, amongst some English gentlemen.
Whilst he spoke I thought I could discover a likeness in his face to my
father. He was reckoned extremely to resemble his sister, the mother of
this unhappy Mr Warner; she was a fine woman, and I had seen her
picture. His story was credible; and I had no reason to doubt the truth
of what he said.
And here I will give you a brief account of what occasioned this
unfortunate relation to be thus long an alien from his family.
His mother, as you have just now heard, was my father's sister, who
threw her person and her fortune away upon a broken officer. This act
disobliged my father so much, that from the time of her marriage, to the
hour of her death, he never would see her. Her husband died, when this
their only child was about nine years old; the poor mother survived him
but a short time, and the orphan boy was left to my father's mercy. I
have often heard him say he was very unlucky, and never could be
persuaded into a love of his book; he was, however, put to school, and
my father bestowed the same expence on his education, as if he had been
his own son. When he was about sixteen years old, as he wrote a good
hand, and had a great capacity for figures, he bound him apprentice to a
merchant, in which situation he had been above a year, (and during that
time he had made several elopements, and was with difficulty reconciled
to his master, through my father's mediation) when he committed such a
misdemeanour in his master's family as obliged him to abscond.
Accordingly he stole, unknown to any body, on board a ship bound to the
West-Indies, of which his master was partly owner, where he hid himself,
and nobody could tell what was become of him, 'till my father, about
nine months after his departure, received a letter from him, dated from
Jamaica, wherein he begged pardon of him, and his master, for his
elopement, told him, that he had been taken into a merchant's compting
house, and declared, that he meant, by his diligence and good behaviour,
to make amends for his past ill conduct. This was the only letter my
father or any of his friends ever had from him. He answered it; but had
no return; nor could he, from repeated enquiries, made two or three
years after, learn any thing of him; so that all his relations concluded
him dead.
These particulars I had heard before from my father, and his relations
perfectly agreeing with them in every circumstance, I could have no
doubt but that he was the man. Sir, said I, I very well remember to have
heard your story; your likeness to my father, who was the image of your
mother, leaves me no room to question your being the Mr Warner, of whom
I have so often heard: you are indeed my near relation, and it grieves
my heart to see you in such distress; and the more so, as I have not the
ability I could wish to assist you; but we will talk over more
particulars after breakfast. I rang the bell, and ordered Patty to get
some coffee. While we were at breakfast, I asked my new-found kinsman by
what means he had discovered me so soon? (for, by the way, I should have
told you that he said he had been arrived but two days in London.) He
answered, that one of the English gentlemen, who had been so kind to him
at Cadiz, had given him a letter to a gentleman in London, for whom he
was to leave it at a coffee-house in Pall-mall; that as he was
delivering it, he perceived another letter lying on the bar, directed to
Sir George Bidulph. The two names struck him, remembering them to be
those of his cousin. His uncle, he supposed, was dead; but he determined
to enquire who that gentleman was, and if he found it to be my brother,
to apply to him for assistance. He had soon an opportunity of being
satisfied; my brother happened to come in his chariot to the door, just
as Mr Warner was going out; he knew the arms, and had some recollection
even of his features. It was past three o'clock, and I heard Sir George
direct his servant home. I concluded he was going to dinner, and that
the morning was the properest time to call on him, and having informed
myself where he lived, I accordingly went yesterday morning.
He stopped, and sipped his coffee for some time without speaking.
And did you see him, Sir? Yes, Madam, I saw him, and heard him too. He
has got a fine house, and seems to have every thing very elegant about
him. When I was let into the hall, I desired the footman to acquaint his
master that a gentleman, newly arrived from the West-Indies, wanted to
speak with him, being commissioned by Mr Warner, a relation of his, to
enquire after him. The footman went up stairs, and returning presently,
asked me if I brought a letter from the gentleman I mentioned. I said,
No, but I had something to say to him.
The servant, after delivering this message, came halfway down the first
flight of the stairs, and leaning over the banisters, he bid me walk up.
I found your brother, and his lady (I suppose) in her dressing-room, at
breakfast. There was tea and chocolate on the table. I bowed very
respectfully; the lady scarce moved her head; your brother said, Your
servant, Sir, and viewed me from head to foot, but fixed his eyes
earnestly on my face. The footman who had introduced me had withdrawn.
Sir, said I, have you quite forgot me? I remember you well. He answered
hesitatingly, and with a change of countenance that boded me no good, I
protest, Sir,--I--I know nothing of you. 'Have you forgot your cousin
Ned Warner?' He looked at his wife, and she at him; he forced a smile at
her, which she returned, without knowing for what. 'I do remember there
was such a one related to the family, whom we all supposed to be dead;
as for recollecting his person--'tis really so long ago--that I--can't
say I do.' All this while he let me stand, he was lolling in an easy
chair, and had a dish of chocolate in his hand, of which he sipped and
spoke to me by turns. His wife was feeding a monkey that was perched on
her shoulder.
I am indeed more altered than you, Sir George; the hardships which I
have undergone, and my long residence in a warmer climate, may readily
account for that; but have you no traces of my features? No recollection
of my voice? I have carried you many times in my arms. 'Sir, I do not
dispute the _identity_ of your person, but I should be glad to know
your commands with me.' _Commands_ I have none, Sir: the poor must
entreat, not command.
I then proceeded to tell him my unhappy story in the same words I just
now gave it to you. His lady seemed not to mind me, but kept talking to
her marmouset. He listened to me, but with so much impatience in his
looks, as quite abashed me. I was still standing, but a little to take
off the aukwardnes of my posture, I had ventured to rest one arm on the
back of a chair.
When I had done speaking, your brother got up in a violent passion, to
which he seemed to have been working himself up during the time I took
to explain myself. He whisked away the chair on which I was leaning, and
walked to the other end of the room; then turning to his lady, Is not
this a pretty fellow to force his way in upon us, by a sham story of a
message from a relation? and now truly by way of an agreeable surprize
he turns out to be that very relation come a begging in his own proper
person. Sir, said I, I ask your pardon for the liberty I took to gain
admittance to you; but you will be the more inclined to excuse me, if
you please to consider that it was out of respect to you that I would
not in the mean appearance I now make, acknowledge myself to any of your
servants; for the same reason I imagined, that had I not sent a message
which I was in hopes would have a little interested you in my favour, I
might have been ordered to send up my business by your footman, which
would I thought have been quite improper. You might have writ, said he,
interrupting me. Ah Sir, (shaking my head) if I _had_--and I stopped
short. 'You might not have been much the better for it: is that what you
would say? (with a contemptuous half sneer.) In short, Sir, I can do
nothing for you; what is it that you expect I _should_ do?' I do not
mean to be a burden on you, Sir, I replied, I was bred to business, I
write a good hand, and understand accompts. I hope to get into some
merchant's house; but in the mean time I am starving. I am an utter
stranger here, though in my own country. I observed he had slipped his
hands into his breeches pocket, and seemed to be feeling for a bit of
money. Sir George, said the lady, (who had observed him as well as I)
'tis to no purpose to give any thing to these sort of people; assist
one, and They will send another to you, and so there is no end to such
claims. Your brother withdrew his hand from his pocket, as if checked by
his lady's looks. 'Sir, it is not in my power to assist you.' I then
asked him if you were living, and where I could find you? for though you
were not born when I left England, I heard afterwards that Sir Robert
Bidulph had a daughter. Your brother replied peevishly he knew nothing
of you, as you preferred the friendship of strangers to that of your
relations. He then rang the bell, and calling his man to dress him, went
out of the room without casting a look at me. I ventured to ask his lady
your name (if you had changed it) and where you lived. She told me your
name, but said she knew not where you lodged, adding I might spare
myself the trouble of enquiring you out, for to her knowlege you could
do nothing for me.
I took my leave, but enquiring of a footman whom I found in the hall, he
directed me to St Alban's Street, where you formerly lodged. I went
there, and it was with difficulty that I could prevail on the woman of
the house to tell me where you now lived; but my necessities made me
urgent, and I waited on you this morning, Madam, to make my distress
known to you; but I am afraid the information I had from your
sister-in-law concerning you has but too much truth in it. As he spoke
this he cast his eyes round my meanly furnished parlour, looked at the
poor equipage of my tea table, and again sipped his unfinished and now
cold dish of coffee.
Sir, said I, when my sister informed you that I was poor, it is certain
she spoke truth; I am not, however, I thank God, _so_ poor but that I
can spare you a little; if you will take a cheap lodging near me, I will
supply you with enough to pay for it; and if you can eat as I and my
little family do, you shall be welcome to us every day till something
can be done for you. I see but very few people, but I will speak to such
as come in my way to try to have you recommended to some one for
employment. I then put my hand in my pocket, and taking out five
shillings (all the silver I had) I put it into his hand: Sir, you may
owe some little trifle where you have slept these two nights, I fear
your lodging has been but poor, but if this will not discharge it tell
me freely.
He suffered me to drop the shillings into his unclosed hand. He fixed
his eyes eagerly on my face, but instead of replying to what I said, he
only cried out, Good God! good God! and undoing two or three buttons at
his breast, he sobbed as if his bosom was bursting. I was affected with
his gratitude, and tried to disperse the tears that mounted to my eyes.
I wish I could weep, said he, but I can't; and may these be the last
tears that ever you shall have occasion to shed! my worthy, my generous,
my pious relation! God forgive me for trying such a heart, but I will
reward it, amply will I reward your goodness.
He then drew a red letter-case out of his bosom, and, opening it, he put
a bill into my hand for two thousand pounds on the bank of England.
Think, my dear, how I started at such a vision! Sir, you amaze me! was
all I could say. I beg your pardon for deceiving you, said he, but it
was with a good intent. I suppose it is needless to tell you that I am
not that poor forlorn wretch that I represented myself to you. Hear the
real truth of my circumstances. You see before you (of a private man)
one of the richest subjects in these dominions. You have heard that my
setting-out was no other than that of a common writing-clerk in a
merchant's counting-house at Jamaica; from whence I wrote twice to your
father, but never had any answer. I interrupted him to tell him, I had
heard my father say he had got one letter from him, and had writ to him
in return, and afterwards made many enquiries after him without success.
Perhaps he might, said he, but I never received it, nor heard of any
enquiries made, which piqued me so, that I resolved never to write
again. In a little time I made myself so useful to my master that he
grew exceedingly fond of me; and having no heir but an only daughter,
who it seems had conceived an inclination for me, though without my
suspecting it, but which her father had by some means discovered, he
frankly made an offer of her to me in marriage; with an assurance of
leaving me all that he was worth at his decease, and an immediate
proffer of entering into partnership with him. The only return he
required on my part, was to change my name, and assume his, which was
Collett. I made no scruple of complying; for though my regard to the
young lady had never risen to what is commonly called love, I yet
thought her in all respects an unexceptionable match. I married her; my
patron punctually fulfilled his promise; and at the end of three years I
found myself by his death in possession of a considerable estate. The
following year I lost my wife in childbed of her first child, who died
with its mother. The changing my name was probably the occasion of my
not being found out by those employed to enquire after me; and I perhaps
ought now to acknowlege myself careless in not acquainting my friends
with my good fortune.
I had such uncommon success in trade that my wealth increased amazingly.
In about five years after the decease of my first wife, I married the
widow of a merchant, with whom I got an immense fortune. This lady I
truly loved. She was an amiable creature. I had one son by her, a fine
youth, and we lived happily together for twelve years; at the end of
which it pleased God to take from me both wife and child. Poor man! his
tears began to flow here. He proceeded. After this loss my own life
began to grow tiresome to me; I had more riches than I knew what to do
with, and had nobody to leave them to; my health began to decline; I
grew weary of the place, and resolved, partly to divert my melancholy,
and partly through affection to my native country, to see England once
more. I settled my affairs in the best manner, sent considerable sums of
money over before me, and brought a large one with me. During my voyage
the whim took me, that I would enquire privately after your family, and
present myself to you as I have done, in order to make trial of your
dispositions, resolving, according as I found you worthy of it, to share
my fortune amongst you, as I knew I had no other relations in the world.
I have been in England above a month. The first thing I did was to go
down into Wiltshire, where I was soon informed that your father and
mother were dead, and that your brother was married and resided for the
most part in London; you, I was told, had been married and was a widow,
but I could learn no more about you. On my return to town I soon found
where your brother lived, and had the pleasure to hear a good character
of him; but I had determined to make my own experiment on him, and I did
intend, had he received me ever so kindly, to have made the same
experiment on you, before I disclosed my plot to either of you.
I dressed myself in these old clothes on purpose, and what the success
of my scheme has been you know. Your brother, narrow hearted, inhuman
wretch, I blot forever from my thoughts: it will be the better for you,
though I have more than enough for you both.
Your kindness, I tell you again, my valuable relation, I will repay an
hundred-fold. Accept of that bill in your hand for your present use. I
am sure you want it; and accept of it only as an earnest of my future
friendship towards you. That brother, in affluence himself, who could
see his sister, _such_ a sister want, must have lost all regard to ties
of blood, and 'tis no wonder that I, so much further removed in kindred,
met with such treatment at his hands.
See, my Cecilia, what an amazing turn of fortune! What could I do but
lift up my eyes, as I did my heart, in silent adoration of that God, who
is a father to the fatherless, and defendeth the cause of the widow!
It was some time before I could frame my mind to discourse on ordinary
subjects. I gratefully accepted my cousin's noble present. He enquired
minutely into my situation; there was no need of concealing any thing
from him, nor did I attempt it. He was very inquisitive as to my
brother's behaviour towards me. I told him the whole of it; he was even
bitter in his invectives against him, and Lady Sarah. But, said he, I
will have my revenge on them; I will make you triumph over him, and that
proud upstart his wife. What lodgings you are in my poor dear creature!
Is this your best room? I told him I had nothing but that and a
bed-chamber where the children and I lay, and a closet for my maid. He
desired to see the children, and I had them both brought it. He kissed
them tenderly; poor babes! you have a cursed uncle, but you have a very
good mamma, and I will take care of you all.
I will dine with you to-morrow, said he; let us eat a comfortable morsel
together, and for your life not a word of what has past to any body. He
then took an affectionate leave of me and departed.--Let me here lay
down my pen and wonder at my fate!
I have got into a flow of spirits, my dear. What scenes of happiness
might now open upon me, if happiness consisted in riches alone? but no,
no, it does not. My heart, broken by vexation, cannot recover its
tranquillity so soon. Yet is there room for joy, joy springing from a
rational, from a humane, from a commendable motive; and I will a little
indulge it. I can now in part return the vast obligation I owe Mr
Faulkland, as far as at least relates to pecuniary debts. I can now
repay many-fold the kindness of my good lady V----. I can provide for my
affectionate worthy Patty. I have the delightful prospect of giving my
children an education suitable to their birth; and, if my life is
prolonged, of seeing them honourably and happily settled in the world. I
shall have the glorious power of diffusing benefits! Oh, my dear, 'tis
good for me that I have been in trouble, it has so enlarged my charity,
that I feel transports which prosperity is a stranger to, at the bare
idea of having it in my power to succour the afflicted. Who would not
suffer adversity to have the heart so improved?
_February 11_
My new-found relation dined with me to-day according to promise. Patty
had provided two dishes of the best things in season, and dressed them
admirably; I need not tell you in what satisfaction Mr Warner and I
enjoyed our little chearful meal. He had sent me in the morning a hamper
of excellent wine, and seemed to relish his bottle with an extraordinary
good goust.
When Patty had carried the children up stairs, and we were left alone,
he told me that he had been that morning looking out a house for me; you
must quit these lodgings directly, and submit a little to my management;
for I _will_ mortify your paltry brother and his wife. You shall have as
handsome a house as his, and better furnished too, or I'll know why. You
must know I mean to set you out like a dutchess, and you shall roll by
that worthless puppy's door in a better equipage than his minx is
carried in. But I do not intend to live with you as well as I love you;
for though I am an old weather-beaten fellow, you are young and
handsome, and the world I know is full of scandal. I shall therefore
content myself with a lodging some where in your neighbourhood, and come
and see you now and then. I thanked him for the prudence of his
consideration, but begged he would restrain his generosity, and suffer
me to live in that moderate state, which, if I had ever so much riches,
would be my choice. Don't oppose me coz, said he; pray don't. I _must_
have my way in this, I have set my heart upon it. You shall _blaze_ for
a while at least; when I have had my revenge, you may live as you please
afterwards. I was unwilling to contradict him in his odd humour; yet was
very much afraid of the consequences of _blazing_, as he called it, all
at once. But dear Sir, said I what will the world think of my emerging
thus from obscurity into the splendour you talk of? though you do not
live with me, as I am still young, may it not give room for censure?
busy people will pry into the source from whence I draw my affluence,
and envy will not be backward in putting wrong constructions on an
appearance by which it will be so much excited.
He listened, looking at me earnestly in the face; then nodding his head,
with a very grave countenance said, You are a sensible woman, coz, and I
commend your prudence, but I must have my will for all that. I could not
forbear smiling at his manner; and going on, if, said I, I were to enter
again into public life with a moderately genteel appearance only,
nobody's curiosity would be excited, as it might easily be supposed that
my brother had enabled me to support a decent figure in the world.--I
soon found that I had made use of a wrong argument, which put my friend
into a violent passion. A fiddle-stick for you and your brother too,
said he; do you think I will let that whelp have the credit of what _I_
mean to do for you? no, no, set your heart at rest about that; what I
do, all the world shall know, and my reasons for it too. I'll have my
own way; there is no hurt I hope in providing for a near kinswoman, that
is left to starve by a still nearer relation. I make you my heir, look
you, and I will spread it all over the town. Is there any harm in that?
God knows I have no more ill in my heart than one of your children; but
I am a little resenting may be, so say no more of it. I found Mr Warner
was pretty positive, therefore thought it the wisest way to insist no
farther upon the argument; but told him I would submit intirely to his
discretion. It will be best for you, said he; consider me as your
father, and I will _be_ a father to you. He then told me that he had
been trying to get a house for me near my brother's, that I might _nose_
him as he called it; but that as there were none empty in the square, he
had fixed on a very handsome one in an adjoining street. I did not like
the furniture, said he, so I ordered it out, and have bespoke new of an
upholder, who promises me, in a week or ten days at farthest, to have
every thing completely fitted up. In the mean time I can't bear to see
you in this sorry room; poor soul! how long have you been here? I told
him near four months, and that, with his permission, I would continue in
these lodgings till the house was ready, as it was not worth while to
change them for so short a time. Well, said he, you may do as you will
for that; I'll see that every thing is to your satisfaction. He took his
leave with an affectionate shake by the hand.
How miraculous is all this, my dear! this messenger of good tidings, is
he not sent to me by providence? as I found he intended not to make a
secret of his designs in my favour, I was in haste to divulge the joyful
news to my friends. I have accordingly writ to my Lady V----, giving her
an account of the wonderful revolution in my affairs; and I intend, as
soon as I can fix upon some curious present worth her acceptance, to
make her a large return for her favours. I have also acquainted Mrs
Faulkland of the happy turn in my fortune, and I design a magnificent
present for her as soon as I have time to prepare it. To neither of
these ladies have I hinted at my brother's behaviour, either to myself,
or Mr Warner. I have made the good woman, with whom I lodge, stare
wonderfully at the relation. I could get nothing from her but
exclamations of astonishment, her hands and eyes lifted up, 'Good God!
Lord bless us! what strange things come about! what luck _some_ people
are born to! and this was your _own, own_ cousin that you never set eyes
on before? My goodness, what a swarthy gentleman he is! but tumbling in
gold, I warrant him. It would be long before such good fortune would
happen to me, though I have a cousin beyond seas too.' I could plainly
see that this poor woman envied my prosperity, though she tried to
congratulate me; but it is the less to be wondered at, as she knew not
that I was born to any better prospect, than that of working for my
bread in a two pair of stairs room.
_February 15_
I have not seen my honest kinsman these four days; but he sent me a note
to inform me that he was busy in seeing every thing put in order in my
new house; and that he abstained from visiting me out of _discretion_,
this word he marked, the more to impress his full meaning. He says I
shall not see any thing till all is ready, neither has he yet so much as
told me the street where I am to live. I find he _will_, as he himself
says, have his own way.
_February 22_
Now, my Cecilia, I may reasonably hope that my afflictions are at an
end: as far as wealth can promote felicity, that felicity is mine.
I have just settled with my landlady, and having paid her for her
lodgings, made her a present, a little to reconcile her to my
prosperity, when a new chariot most superbly gilt stopped at my door; a
black and a white footman in rich laced liveries behind it. One of these
brought me a note from Mr Warner, who informed, me that he had sent my
_own_ equipage to carry me home, where I should find him waiting to
welcome me to my _own_ house.
Patty seemed to have got wings to her feet; she flew up to me with the
welcome notice, and begged of me to observe from the window, that the
servants were in our own family livery; with this difference, that the
lace was silver instead of what we used to give.
On expressing my surprise at this, Patty told me that Mr Warner had, at
his second visit, enquired of her, as she let him out, what liveries we
used to give, but bid her not mention it to me; which she said she would
not do, as she guessed he meant to surprise me. But this was not all, he
had been so minutely correct, as to have the Arnold arms in a lozenge
elegantly painted on the doors; what these were, he was at the pains of
informing himself elsewhere. My Patty almost frantick with joy hurried
the two children down stairs, and stuck them up in the chariot, telling
them both it was their own as she put them into it; but the poor babes
fell a crying, and were not to be pacified by the novelty or finery of
the thing till I came to them. She staid behind to send our little
baggage after us, and I drove to my new house in Pall-mall; where I
found my generous benefactor waiting, as he had promised, to receive
me.
Oh my dear he is a princely man! such grandeur, such elegance! he led me
thro' every room, where wealth and magnificence were displayed even to
profusion. From top to bottom there is not the smallest article wanting
that luxury itself can imagine. The carpets, skreens, cabinets, and an
abundance of fine china, are beyond comparison more beautiful than any
thing of the kind I have ever seen. 'Tis but eleven days since my
kinsman mentioned his design to me, and you must believe he has been
indefatigable in his diligence, since he has left nothing for me to do,
but at once to take possession of this splendid mansion. All the
necessary domesticks are hired, and ready in their respective stations;
and I am already as much settled in a few hours, as if I had lived here
so many years.
Mr Warner told me that as a trifle would not be sufficient to keep up
every thing in proportionable state about me, he intended to allow me
three thousand pounds a year. This appointment, said he, you are to
consider as your own property, and just call upon me as you would on
your steward. I am sure you will employ it well, you gave me a proof of
that in _your five shillings_. You need not be afraid of being too
profuse in your charities; when I die you will find yourself possessed
of the means of continuing them.
Dear Sir, said I, long may you live to feel and rejoice in the blessings
which _your_ bounty will, through me, I hope, draw down on us both. I
leave you to enjoy yourself, said he; but I am impatient till your
brother knows what he has lost by his hard-heartedness. He cannot long
be ignorant of it, Sir, replied I; but indeed I flatter myself that he
is not quite so much to blame in regard to me, as we have both imagined.
You see he seemed to know nothing of my situation when you enquired
after me, and even threw out something like a reproach for my having
withdrawn myself without acquainting him where I was; I am very sure
lady Sarah never informed him of my having applied to her.--It was his
duty to have enquired you out, said he; did he not know you were poor?
He knew, said I, that my circumstances were very much streighten'd, but
he did not know _how_ much. Well, well, answered Mr Warner, it is good
in you to excuse him, but _I_ know him to be a narrow-hearted poltroon.
He took his leave, and said he would see me soon again, having taken
lodgings for himself in my neighbourhood.
_February 23_
I begin to doubt, my Cecilia, whether I am really awake or not! 'Tis
all enchantment! I am afraid my old kinsman is a wizard.... I have been
talking to, and examining my servants, to see if they are real living
people, or only phantoms; I look at, and handle the rich furniture of my
apartments to try if it be substantial!--'Tis all so--every thing
real--I beg my cousin's pardon for suspecting him of sorcery; I believe
he deals in no charms, but that all-powerful one--money.
Now, my sister, what a spacious field is there opened before me! Three
thousand pounds a year! how many hearts will it be in my power to make
glad! and I will make many glad.
'O Lord God, who hast showered down thy blessings in abundance on
my head, vouchsafe me such a portion of thy grace, that I may
become an humble instrument of thy mercy, to those whom the rod of
adversity has laid in the dust. Teach me so to use this thy
bounteous favour, that _Thy_ honour, not _my_ worldly desires may
be promoted; that _Thy_ praise, not _my_ pride may be exalted. And
if, O Lord, thou hast chosen me to be the dispenser of thy
fatherly kindness to the afflicted that cry unto thee, quicken in
my heart such diligence, humility, and integrity, as may render me
not unworthy of the important trust. But if, O my God! thou has
sent riches only to be a trial of my strength, unsupported by
thee; be merciful, take them from me, and restore to me that
poverty, which first taught me to know myself.'
Upon my knees I have poured out this prayer to the Almighty, and it is
the fervent wish of my soul that he would grant it.
_February 26_
You will smile, my dear, as I did, in pity of the meanness of poor Lady
Sarah; but proud people are always mean. I have been here but four days,
yet I find she has already heard of my metamorphosis. Indeed she could
hardly do otherwise, so near her as I am. Mr Warner has been very urgent
with me to drive out in my new chariot; this I readily complied with, as
both the children and I wanted air and exercise, and yesterday we drove
to Hyde-Park. I did not however go at the hour when there is most
company, but I conclude I was seen either by Lady Sarah herself, or by
some one who told her; for this morning, prodigious! she sent her woman
to me with a message. I had her called up stairs, and enquired very
civilly after my brother and his lady.
She told me that Lady Sarah sent her humble service to me, and was very
much surprised that she had not heard from me in so long a time; that
she supposed I was gone out of town, but as Sir George seemed uneasy
that I never wrote to him, her ladyship had sent her to enquire for me
at my old lodgings in the Hay-Market, from whence she had been directed
to me here; and that she was ordered to tell me that her lady had talked
to my brother about the affair that I knew of, and that Sir George would
act agreeably to her request, if I would call or write a line to him.
I found the woman had been instructed to feign an entire ignorance on
her lady's part of the change in my circumstances, but I was resolved to
let her see I had detected this paltry artifice. I could observe that
the servant, though she endeavoured to avoid it, eyed every thing in my
apartment with surprise and curiosity; and I concluded that Lady Sarah
had sent her for no other purpose, but to satisfy herself from her
maid's account, whether the report she had heard concerning me was true.
Tell your lady, said I, she needed not to have been at the pains of
framing such a message to have gratified her curiosity; my house is open
to any one who has a mind to look at it, even to Lady Sarah herself. You
shall see it all over, and may report to her ladyship what my cousin
Warner's bounty has done for me; and she may then judge whether I stand
in need of the assistance she now pretends to offer me. The woman looked
abashed, and though she seemed inclined to ask questions, was ashamed to
do so. This was that very servant who had so unceremoniously led me up
the back stairs when I went to visit her lady; but I appeared in a quite
different light to her now; I rang the bell, and ordered a footman to
_shew her the house_. She curtsied in silence, and withdrew.
What a poor creature is Lady Sarah! Mr Warner called upon me before her
woman went away. I told him the whole passage. Oh! how he chuckled, and
rejoiced, shrugging his shoulders, and rubbing his hands! He wanted to
see the servant, but I was afraid he would be too strong in his insults,
and turned him from the point.
He told me, he invited himself to dine with me; and accordingly he
favoured me with his company, and staid during the greatest part of the
evening. He is a man of a strong natural sense, though he is careless of
improving it. He has passed his life in business, and in acquiring
riches. He does not let me into the particulars of these, though he is
in other respects very communicative and entertaining. There is a
whimsical vein runs through his conversation. He now, for the first
time, desired me to give him the particulars of my life from my
childhood, which he had but a partial account of, at different times,
from myself. I took up the story at the earliest period of my life,
wherein any thing interesting had occurred, and traced every
circumstance minutely to the hour he first saw me.
I could easily see that he had a tender sympathizing heart, for he was
moved to tears more than once during my relation; nor was he ashamed of
them, for he suffered them to run down his cheek, whilst he listened
with mute attention to my story. He praised Mr Faulkland highly, said he
was a man after his own heart, and deserved the best woman in the world.
I wish you had married him, said he, such a princely fellow deserves a
princely fortune. He owned my brother had some reason to be nettled at
my refusal of such a man. Our sex, said he, have not such _chimæra_
notions as you women have; but still that does not excuse his
sordidness.
I took this opportunity of telling Mr Warner that my brother did not
really know the very great distress I was in, and that I had reason to
believe, from the general tenor of Lady Sarah's character, that she had
either concealed it from him, or made misrepresentations of my case;
doubtless she had not informed him to what streights I was reduced
immediately upon my mother's death; and who knows but Sir George, having
left me for a while to feel the effects of that resentment, with which
he had threatened me in his last letter, still meant to shew himself a
brother; for if he were ignorant, as I am willing to believe, of that
particular which I have mentioned, he could not suppose that I was
driven to absolute want; and from Lady Sarah's insinuations, perhaps he
thought that my mother left a sum of money behind her. He knew not of
the illness that my children and I were visited with; and indeed it
appears to me, from what he hinted to yourself, that he was quite
unacquainted with my situation.
To say the truth, Cecilia, as you know I am of a placable disposition, I
should be glad to be on good terms with my brother, the only relation
(my kinsman excepted) that I have in the world. I was willing therefore,
if possible, a little to reconcile Mr Warner to him; as I durst not,
without his permission, seek a reconciliation with Sir George.
There _may_ be something in what you say, coz, answered my friend;
perhaps he had a mind to let you bite on the bridle for a while, and I
am willing to suppose with you, that hereafter, may be, he would have
given you some dirty trifle; for a generous thing I am sure he is not
capable of, from his sordidness to me. I found this stuck most with the
good man. Oh, Sir, said I, but consider Lady Sarah's influence stepped
in _there_ too. My brother, you acknowlege, _was_ going to give you
something, 'till she interposed.--Half a crown, I suppose, said he: To
say the truth, I believe she is the worst of the two. She has a great
deal of pride. Sir, answered I; she has communicated some of it to my
brother; probably he was mortified and disconcerted at the sight of so
near a relation, in his wife's presence, whose exteriour appearance
could do him no credit; perhaps, had you applied privately to him, he
would have behaved better. You have not much worldly wisdom, replied my
cousin, to excuse him thus; however, I think the better of you for it,
whatever I may do of him. But speak honestly now, don't you want to be
friends with Sir George, that he and his wife may have an opportunity of
seeing you in all your finery? As I knew Mr Warner's temper, I was
resolved to humour him in it, and thought I could not give my desire of
seeing my brother a better turn than this, to one of my kinsman's
disposition. To deal with you openly, Sir, said I, I think our triumph
over Lady Sarah will not be complete, unless she herself is a witness of
that high fortune, of which she might have been a partaker, had it not
been for her own meanness of spirit. And to be sincere with you, my
Cecilia, I did think Lady Sarah deserved this mortification, though it
did not so far influence me as to make me desirous of being on terms
with her: as for my brother, I was governed by no other motive than
affection towards him.
Well, said Mr Warner, suppose you were to invite them both to dine with
you, and to have me at table, handsomely dressed out (for I can dress
fine when I please) and let them see that the man, who was not thought
worthy to sit down in their presence, they had better have used with
more ceremony. Oh, Sir, said I, that would be too severe an insult;
besides, I doubt whether my brother would come; you know he is angry
with me, and thinks he has reason. If you will permit me first to call
on my brother, when we are reconciled, I can afterwards ask both him and
his lady to my house; and though I am sure you have too much good nature
and politeness to shock them all at once, by violating the laws of
hospitality in this house, which your bounty has made mine, yet will you
have sufficient room for retaliation, by treating them, in your turn,
with neglect.
Thou art a milkly thing, answered Mr Warner; but as I am willing to
please you, you may do as you like; but by--, and he swore a tremendous
oath, they shall never have a cross from me.
_February 27_
Having obtained Mr Warner's consent, I went this day to my brother. He
was not at home; but I was introduced to Lady Sarah, for whom I
enquired. Poor woman! how she looked! My resentment was disarmed; and I
felt nothing but pity. Her confusion was so great, she knew not how to
receive me; she curtsied, without knowing what to say, or how to behave.
I would not embarrass her too far, but taking a chair by her, As you
favoured me with a message yesterday, Lady Sarah, said I, in as obliging
a tone as I could speak, I thought it a sisterly duty to wait on you and
Sir George: I hope my brother is well, I long to see him, and flatter
myself he will forget all former coldness, and again be my brother.
I spoke this long sentence on purpose to give her time to recover
herself. She rubbed her hand over her forehead, I believe to hide the
glow that was in her face from my first entrance: 'Lord, Mrs Arnold--I
am so surprized--this visit was so unexpected--I thought you were in the
country'--(her woman you know had been with me the day before, I passed
this by however) I have not been out of town at all, Madam, I was
detained by illness--'I am mighty sorry for it--I hope you are quite
recovered--pray, why did not you let me know you were ill?' As I had
heard nothing from you, Madam, after my first message, I was afraid that
the mediation, you were so kind as to promise me, had failed, and that
my brother's resentment was so great, he would not hear of me.
'Oh dear, that is true indeed--it was a sad affair--I mentioned you to
your brother when he came to town; but he was in _such_ a passion, I
durst not name you to him again.' (She durst not name me, observe that,
my dear; poor George, whom she governs with despotic sway). Then
probably, Madam, my brother knew not _all_ my distress? I protest I
don't know--said she--you know your brother is very warm, and whenever I
attempted to speak of you, he always stopped me short--so--I don't know
how it was; but I never could get to tell him your situation--I should
think I had great reason to resent my brother's cruelty, Madam, said I,
if he had known those particulars of which my maid informed _you_, but
since he did not, I will not reproach him; neither will I accuse your
ladyship of unkindness in concealing them from him. My sufferings are,
thank God! at an end, and I am now come to offer you, and Sir George,
my sisterly love; I hope he will not refuse me his love in return, I
have nothing else now to ask for. She blushed again, and seemed in great
confusion; 'You are very good, Mrs Arnold, we must forget and
forgive.'--Shall I not be permitted to see my brother, Madam? By the
message I received from you, I was in hopes you had prevailed on
him--The _poor_ woman was now struck dumb. She felt for her snuff-box,
and _would_ not find it in her pocket; but got up to look for it to gain
a little time; rumaged her toilet, and at last, took it out of her
pocket; offered me a pinch of snuff, then sat down again. Why, that
message, to tell you the truth, said she (forcing a conscious silly
smile) your brother knew nothing of; but not having heard from you in so
long a time, I was resolved to enquire after you; and was determined
myself, out of my own pin-money, to allow you what I could spare, till I
could get Sir George in better temper; but I made use of his name
because I thought you would more readily accept of any thing from him
than from me. Your brother thought you were actually in the country,
till we were surprized with the account of the _wonderful_ fortune that
has come to you lately. 'Then you _had_ heard of it, Madam, interrupted
I, before you sent to me?' an untoward question, my dear; it plunged her
again in the mud, and she flounced and floundered to get out, which only
sunk her the deeper. We had heard a strange flying report, said she, of
which I did not believe a word, and therefore sent Holmes (that is her
woman's name) to you to offer you my service.
I was not ill-natured enough, my Cecilia, to persist in embarrassing
this mean woman any farther, though the insincerity of her whole
behaviour, and the low falsities she had recourse to, very well deserved
reproof. I was glad to find my brother was not so culpable as he had at
first appeared; for I could easily discover from the whole tenor of her
discourse, she was so far from giving him any intimation of my distress,
that she had prevented him from enquiring after me, by telling him that
I was gone out of town; probably too with some aggravating
circumstances, either of a pretended neglect on my side towards them
both, or, perhaps, some other falshood still more injurious. It was very
apparent that she had sent her maid only as a spy, and, by way of
passport, with a sham offer of kindness, of which she knew I stood not
in need: and she depended on my pride and resentment so justly provoked,
for my never coming to any explanation either with her or my brother. No
wonder then she was so confounded at the sight of me, and the more so as
she apprehended I might reproach my brother, who could so well excuse
himself by pleading ignorance of my situation: and her conduct must then
appear so despicable to her husband, that hardy as she is, she would be
at a loss to justify it.
All this being very obvious to me, I determined to make her easy at
once. I shall think no more of what is past, Lady Sarah, said I, I only
wish to be on terms of friendship with my brother and you; and since he
knows not of the message you sent to me, I will not mention it to him,
nor any thing else that can recall past unkindness. I hope this visit
will be taken as it is meant, out of pure affection, and that you,
Madam, will be so kind as to make my peace with my brother; whom I am
very sorry I was under a necessity of disobliging; but as I never did
offend him, and I am sure never should but in that one instance, wherein
_I_ was so much more nearly interested than himself, I hope he will
think no more of it; but restore me to a share of his love, which is all
that is now wanting to my happiness.
This declaration (as I intended it should) entirely restored Lady
Sarah's tranquillity. Her countenance brightened up; I'll take upon me
to answer for Sir George, said she, that he _shall_ restore you to his
affection; I shall insist upon a general act of oblivion being passed on
his side, and I beg, sister, on your part, that you may not, by
reproaching your brother, revive the memory of your past coldness.
The weakest people are often very cunning; this caution of Lady Sarah's,
artfully enough introduced, conveyed an obvious meaning to me, very
different from her pretended reason; she was afraid of an
eclaircissement. I promised her I should meet my brother, whenever he
would permit me, as if nothing had ever happened to disturb our
friendship.
See, my dear, how this woman, do _durst_ not name me when I was poor,
took upon her now to _make_ her husband, whose anger had so much
intimidated her, subscribe intirely to her opinion: but I was now become
an object of attention; a finer house, and a finer equipage than her
ladyship's, gave me an indisputable title to that regard, to which, as a
_sister_, and in distress, I had not the least claim.
She now ventured to ask me some particulars relating to the very
extraordinary change in my fortune. I satisfied her minutely, not
without mentioning the cause of Mr Warner's having made me the _sole_
object of his bounty. Poor Lady Sarah could not conceal her vexation at
the thoughts of what she had lost by her ill-timed pride and parcimony.
A strange whimsical old mortal, she called him, to come upon them so
abruptly, and in such a scandalous garb, that Sir George was quite
ashamed of him. I am glad, however, Mrs Arnold, that he has made _you_
the better for him; I hope he will continue his fondness; but such odd
humourists are not to be depended on. Don't tell him, however, what I
say; I should be glad to shew him any civility in my power, for his
kindness to you.
I took my leave of her ladyship, with a cordial invitation to come and
see me; which she said she would not fail to do.
Mr Warner called on me for a few minutes in the evening to know the
result of my visit, as I had told him I intended to make it. I related
every thing that had passed between Lady Sarah and me; he enjoyed her
confusion as I described it; with a triumphant satisfaction, which
nothing but a very strong resentment could have excited in so
good-natured a man, as he really seems to be.
He has added to my store of china to-day (of which I have already an
abundance) a pair of most magnificent jars, above four feet high, which
he values at a hundred and fifty pounds; these, with an entire service
of the finest Nankeen china, and a most beautiful Persian carpet, I have
set apart as a present for Lady V----, and shall send them to her the
first opportunity.
I have also got him to bespeak a set of jewels to the amount of fifteen
hundred pounds, with which I intend to present Mrs Faulkland. This sum
will not exceed my debt to Mr Faulkland, if his agreement with Pivet
stands in force for the term prescribed.
Mr Warner, who mightily loves to be employed, has undertaken to get
these jewels made up for me in the most elegant taste.
This man's generosity is as inexhaustible as his riches; I fancy he is
still some way concerned in trade, though he does not tell me so. These
jars he said he had just received by the arrival of an East-India ship,
and I understand that his former dealings were extremely extensive: all
over the world, he said, where there was commerce, he put in for his
share.
_February 29_
Lady Sarah has returned my visit; she was not slow you see in her
ceremony. _So_ obliging, _so_ polite; every thing praised, and admired;
and _sister_ at every second word, and the children caressed, _Arnold's_
children. What a fine thing it is, my dear, to be independent! I shewed
her all my house; but not with ostentation. I thought it would have
looked affected not to have recommended so much wealth and elegance to
her notice. My sideboard she says is absolutely the handsomest she ever
saw; indeed both for workmanship and richness it does surpass any I have
seen.
She told me she had talked to my brother and that though he still
resented my obstinacy, as _he_ called it, yet as I had made such
advances towards a reconciliation, he was very ready to meet me, and
desired every thing might be forgotten on my side, as it should be on
his. He would have come to see you, added Lady Sarah, but as he does not
chuse to meet Mr Warner, he would rather that the first interview
between you were at his own house. I told her ladyship I would breakfast
with her the next morning, and we parted upon wonderful courteous
terms.--
_February 30_
Just returned from my brother's. Sir George received me with open arms,
and I returned the embrace with the utmost cordiality of affection.
Surely, my dear, there is something wonderfully powerful in the natural
affections; Sir George, spite of his resentment, his turbulence, and the
threats denounced against me, could not at sight of me, after an absence
of so many months, resist the first impulse of his heart, in giving me
strong tokens of brotherly love; though probably had he not seen me, the
latent tenderness might have lain for ever dormant in his heart.
I entered immediately on the topic of my extraordinary acquisition, as I
was determined not to lead to a subject which might bring on
explanations so much dreaded by Lady Sarah; and I could observe that my
brother avoided any thing tending that way as much as I did.
He congratulated me heartily on my good fortune, but said, between jest
and earnest, that if he could have divined his cousin Warner had come to
him to make experiments, he should have taken care to have treated him
better. But I don't know how it was, said he, he came in an evil hour;
and I was in an ill humour.
Lady Sarah kept up the conversation with a great deal of vivacity;
always taking care to keep us clear of the rock she was afraid of, till
a lady, with whom she was engaged to go to an auction, called to take
her up. Sir George would fain have detained me, but she insisted on my
going with her, to have _my_ judgment she said on the things she
intended to buy. It appeared to me that she did not chuse to leave my
brother and me together, for fear mutual confidence (in the fullness of
our hearts) might have brought her disingenuous proceedings to light;
but cunning people often over-act their parts; she was so extremely
pressing, that my brother could not but take notice of it. I acquiesced
to avoid giving her uneasiness; having first engaged my brother to dine
with me on Friday. Lady Sarah and he both consented, but premised that
Mr Warner was not to be of the party; this I ventured to promise, as I
was resolved if Mr Warner invited himself, which is his usual way, to
put him off by fairly telling him the truth, and trusting to his
good-nature for the consequence.
_March 2_
After the trivial incidents of these last two days, my Cecilia, now
hasten to more interesting particulars. But first a word or two of my
cousin Warner. I had not seen him since the day that my brother and I
met, till this morning; when he called to ask me how I did, and to know
how the puppy George, as he calls him, had behaved to me. After having
satisfied himself in this enquiry, in a way the most favourable I could
for my brother, I told him that as I had really found both him, and his
lady extremely penitent and mortified, I had asked them to dine with me
that day. I am glad of it, said he (very quick) I'll be here to snoutch
them. Dear Sir, said I, for heaven's sake have a little compassion; you
cannot conceive how humbled they are; they dare not look you in the
face, and it was one of their conditions with me, before they would
consent to come, that they should not see you. Ho, ho, said he,
exultingly, have they changed their Note? Well, I will not distress you
so far in your own house, as to mortify them with my company at dinner,
but if I should take it in my head to drop in, in the afternoon, you
must not take it amiss. I only want to see them look a little like
fools.
I could not venture to oppose him in this, but resolved to make it as
easy as possible by preparing my brother and sister for his visit.
I told him that would do extremely well, and he went away rejoicing at
the thoughts of his intended triumph.
Mr Warner had but just left me when I was surprized with a message that
Sir George was below. I went down to him directly, and seeing him in his
morning-dress, imagined that something had happened which prevented
their dining with me, and that he called to excuse himself; but he
undeceived me presently. As I had not an opportunity, said he, of asking
you any questions the other day, and shall be prevented probably in the
same manner this day, I am come to have an hour's chat with you before
dinner. And first pray inform me, Sidney, where you have lived ever
since my mother's death, and how it comes to pass that in all this time
you never took any notice of either Lady Sarah or me? As to your first
question, brother, it is easily answered, I have never been out of
London: for the rest, lest us avoid all retrospection, which can now
answer no end to either of us.
You surprize me, said he, I understood you had been in the country; Lady
Sarah told me that you were gone to Lady V----.
She was misinformed, I replied--
What was the meaning, then, said he, that you never called, or sent to
her? _She_ had no resentment to you, though _I_ had.
Dear Sir George, ask me no more questions. I thought it had been
premised that we were not to talk of the past.
I see, Sidney, answered he, there is something you have no mind to
explain; you know I love and respect my wife, and that I cannot easily
be brought to take any thing ill of her; but she was so extremely
earnest with me not to ask you any questions, that it made me suspect
there was something she had a mind to conceal from me. What confirms me
in this opinion is, that as I know you are ingenuous and open to
conviction you would have made me some apology for a neglect both of me
and Lady Sarah, which, you could not but suppose, offended me, if you
had not looked upon yourself as by much the most injured Person.
You urge me very home, brother; I thought I was injured when you
disclaimed all relationship to me, if I did not comply in a certain
particular, which I was not at liberty to do.
I _was_ very angry with you, said he, but should not have carried my
resentment any lengths after my mother's death, if you had made any
concession, or desired to throw yourself under my protection, instead of
a stranger's, for Lady V---- comparatively is one. I could not suppose
you were in immediate want of my assistance, as I understand my mother's
private purse was not inconsiderable, and to tell you the truth, I was
resolved till you did condescend to inform me of your situation, not to
give myself any pain about you.
I can only tell you in two words, Sir George, that you have been
extremely misled in regard to me; I wish not to revive so disagreeable a
subject, pray say no more of it.
But one word more, said he, just for my own satisfaction, and then I
have done: was Lady Sarah made acquainted with your circumstances? You
must have lived in miserable obscurity to be so long in London without
my knowlege.
You love and respect your wife, brother; you must not take any thing ill
of her.
I am answered he replied: He walked about the room, and I could see he
was ashamed and affected.
You will make me very unhappy, Sir George, said I, if you resent any
thing on my account to your lady; she did not think perhaps that things
were quite so bad with me as they really were; but if she heard (which
by the way I knew was an invention of her own) that my mother left any
thing behind her, she was deceived, there really was nothing. But let us
call another subject.--When did you hear from Mr Faulkland? It is some
time since I have had a letter from his lady.
His lady he repeated, and stamping with his foot, cursed be hour which
gave her that title!
Dear Sir George, you shock me! how can you be so uncharitable, so
unchristian?
If you know her as well as _I_ do, said he--and shook his head.
You are so strong in your indignation against her, I replied, that you
almost make me suspect that you _do_ know more of her than I do; her
weakness in regard to Mr Faulkland excepted; I could never entertain an
ill thought of her; but you have raised a curiosity, which, though I
tremble to have it gratified, yet I must beg you to speak out.
Do not think me malicious, Sidney, said he, a woman's reputation is too
sacred a thing to be trifled with; if her weakness, as you call it, had
been confined to Mr Faulkland, _hers_ should be so with me: but I cannot
think with temper on the sacrifice that noble fellow has been forced to
make to caprice.
Dear brother, explain yourself, you terrify me.
My heat on this occasion, he answered, would be unjustifiable, if I had
not _proof_ for what I say; Miss Burchell, for I will not call her by my
friend's name, is that monster, a female libertine, a rake in the worst
sense of the word.
Monstrous! cried I, your prejudice makes you believe every cruel tale
you may have heard.--
_Heard_, he interrupted with an indignant smile, the d--l's in it if I
have not more than hear-say for my knowledge.
Lord! brother, you make me shudder, what do you mean?
He replied, you will not believe me perhaps when I tell you that _I_ am
as much obliged to Miss Burchell's favour, as Mr Faulkland was.
If Sir George had plunged a dagger in my heart, I could not have felt a
sharper pang. He saw me struck with amazement and grief.
I knew it would shock you, said he, but you extorted the secret from me;
for a secret it has, and ever should have remained, but in my own
justification you compelled me to disclose it.
You know, said he, that from the first I never considered Faulkland's
engagement to her, as a serious one, nor in any shape binding: this
judgment I formed without knowing any thing of the woman, but from
Faulkland's own representation of the fact; tho' to say the truth, he
always spoke of her with more tenderness than she deserved, and imputing
her frailty to her love of him, was, as most men are apt to do on such
occasions, disposed to judge favourably of her. The first time I saw her
was at Sidney-castle; that time when my mother invited her, and when,
you may remember, I went down there in compliment to my mother. I own I
thought her extremely agreeable, which was alone sufficient, to make me
a little more than barely polite; but my mother's extraordinary
attachment to her, engaged me to go still farther, and to oblige her, I
was more than ordinarily attentive to please Miss Burchell. When I
assure you upon my honour that I had no farther views, I believe you
will not doubt my veracity; but whether Miss Burchell mistook my
civilities for fondness, or whether, as I rather believe, her natural
disposition was so loose that every man she saw lighted up a flame in
her heart, I know not; but certain it was, she made me such advances
that I must have been extremely stupid not to have understood her, and
absolutely frozen to have repelled her.
My good mother's unsuspecting temper permitted us too many
opportunities, and the light ones of your sex do not easily forgive the
neglect of those.
In short Miss Burchell yielded to the impetuosity of her wishes, and I
followed her lead, more through vacancy, and a want of better
employment, than out of inclination. I was very glad when she was
recalled home, for I was heartily wearied of her. The day before she
left Sidney castle, when we were alone, she said to me, I have too great
a reliance on your honour, to suppose you capable of injuring my
reputation by ever divulging what has passed between us; I am easy
therefore on that head. But there is one circumstance on which you must
give me the most solemn promise that is in your power to make, without
which I shall be the most unhappy creature in the world. I know there is
a friendship between you and Mr Faulkland, and I am not ignorant that
you men in your unreserved moments of confidence, do not scruple to
disclose such secrets as I have trusted you with; I do not fear your
imprudence with regard to any one else; but it is of the utmost
importance to me that _He_ in particular should never know what my
tenderness for you has led me into. You know I have a son by him; he has
hitherto provided liberally for the child's maintenance; and to let you
into a secret, which nobody besides must know, I myself am indebted to
him for the principal part of my support; though he, as well as the rest
of the world, believe that I have a fortune. Now though I do not
entertain the least hope, nor indeed wish, ever to be Mr Faulkland's
wife, yet would it be of terrible consequence to me to forfeit his
regard, which you may naturally suppose would be the case if he were to
come to the knowlege of what has happened. He has given me to understand
by his house-keeper that when he comes to England he will provide for
me; the woman hinted something like a design of his making a handsome
establishment for any worthy man of whom I should make choice;
insinuating at the same time that this depended on my conduct. I have no
thoughts of marrying, but as mine and my child's future welfare must be
chiefly owing to Mr Faulkland, you see the necessity there is for my
preserving his good opinion. For this reason then, my dear Sir George,
you must swear to me that you will never betray me to him.
The reasons were so plausible, and the request so natural, that I made
no scruple of giving her a solemn oath to preserve the secret inviolable
from Mr Faulkland's knowledge; for so she herself worded the promise she
urged me to make: in regard to any one else, she said she was satisfied
all assurances were needless.
You see, continued my brother that by this declaration she laid me under
a double tye of secrecy. As I had no conception that Faulkland could
ever be brought to think of marrying her, I thought myself bound not to
injure her in his opinion: and therefore religiously kept my promise.
Faulkland was not then in England, but when returned, and came to visit
me at Sidney-castle, just at the time you parted from your husband, he
spoke of Miss Burchell in a manner, which though it convinced me he had
a regard for her, and wished to see her happy, yet was it far from
alarming me on his account; I therefore should have thought it the
highest baseness and cruelty to have hurt her in his esteem.
I never have had the least intercourse, either by letter, or otherwise,
with Miss Burchell, since we parted. I make no doubt but she has
dispensed her favours wherever her inclination has led her, and you see
she has had the good fortune to keep all her amours secret. But what
hope can there be that such a profligate will keep her faith to _one_
man, though that man is the most amiable in the world.
Oh brother, what a scene of iniquity have you disclosed! I would to
Heaven you had kept the horrid secret to yourself, or divulged it time
enough to have prevented the misery into which I, unhappy that I am!
have precipitated your friend. But I ought not to blame you, you acted
agreeably to the dictates of honour. Detestable woman! I cried in the
bitterness of my heart. I do not wonder at her cautioning me against
letting you into my design of urging Mr Faulkland to marry her; I then
little knew the reason you had for the opposition she said you would
give to this fatal match: every thing fell out to her wish, and
coincided to promote her successful guilt.--Your absence from London,
mine, and my mother's urgency, and the too generous yielding of our dear
unhappy Faulkland. I burst into tears--my heart was torn with anguish,
and in that instant my tenderness for him revived. Sir George strove not
to comfort me. He was too much affected himself.
I have but one hope, said I, and that is in the extraordinary love she
has for Mr Faulkland, and his uncommon merit, which may probably ensure
to him the continuance of it.
You know not what you say, answered my brother; the merit of an angel
could not secure the fidelity of such a heart as her's. Her love is
gross; a new object will always have charms for her. Had I been as
credulous as Faulkland, I should have thought myself the idol of her
soul, so lavish was she in her expressions of tenderness.
Is it not strange though, I asked, that with so loose a mind, she should
have so long preserved an attachment to Mr Faulkland? for most certainly
her affection to _him_ has at least been sincere.
Her affection to his estate, answered my brother, has, I believe, all
along been sincere: Do you not know she is a beggar?
I told him, in this she had imposed on him, to answer her own ends, in
engaging him the more firmly to keep her secret; for to my knowledge,
she has seven thousand pounds, as I was informed by Lady V----, who knew
her circumstances.
Sir George vented two or three curses on her head. I am not surprized at
any instance of her falshood, said he; she is made up of deceit. Such
characters as her's are not uncommon; but none of them ever fell in your
way before, and I hope never will again. If you will look back on her
whole conduct, however it may surprize you, you will find there is
nothing inconsistent in it. She is only a sly rake in petticoats, of
which there are numbers, that you good women would stare at, if you knew
their behaviour. She considers men just as the libertines of our sex do
women. She likes for the present; she seduces; her inclinations cool
towards an old lover, and are warmed again by a new face. She retained
not Faulkland long enough to grow tired of him, and therefore possibly
still preserved some tenderness for him; indeed his uncommon attractions
must have made an impression even on _her_ heart; but this did not
hinder her from indulging her inclinations elsewhere. You must throw
into the account too that she had by accident got a sort of hold on him,
of which, by my mother's indulgence, and some other concurring
circumstances, she hoped one day or other to avail herself. With so
pretty a person as she has, and the fortune you tell me she is mistress
of, do you think she could have failed of marrying creditably, if that
had been her view? No, no she meant not to confine herself. Her passion
for Faulkland, whether real or pretended, gave a colour to her
preserving that liberty, in the licentious use of which she placed her
happiness: nor would she in the end have confined herself within the
bounds of marriage, if an immense fortune had not sweetened the
restraint.
I pray heaven it may, answered I; 'tis all we have now to trust to. You
have given me an idea of a character, which I thought was not in the
female world.
I own, replied Sir George, I live in perpetual fears of her relapsing
into vice. A woman without principle, Sidney, is not to be relied on.
Love (if in such a breast it can merit that name) even towards the most
deserving object, is never permanent. Fear, and even shame, are subdued
by repeated crimes; what hold then remains? Interest alone (where that
happens to interfere;) but if detection can be avoided, even that can
have do farther influence.
Sir George took his leave of me, in order to go home to dress; but I was
not to say a word of his morning visit, so that I found I needed not to
be under any apprehensions of reproaching Lady Sarah with her behaviour
towards me; for he meant not to let her know he was informed of it. So
much the better; I should be extremely sorry to be the occasion of any
difference between them.
They came at the appointed hour; I entertained them magnificently; and
we were all harmony and good humour. When dinner was over, I told them,
they must not be surprized, if we should have a visit from our West
Indian relation, in the evening, for that it was very probable he would
call, and if I should be denied, he would never forgive me, as he
possibly might find it out. Lady Sarah looked frightened, and said she
would not stay; but Sir George declared he would arm himself with a few
bumpers, and stand his ground.
I affected to treat the interview with pleasantry and reconciled them
both to it; for I was really apprehensive that Mr Warner would take it
very ill, and think I betrayed him, if I let them escape. I supposed
too, that after he had indulged himself in a short triumph, all would be
over, and they might afterwards meet on better terms.
In less than half an hour, we heard a loud rap; Lady Sarah turned pale;
Sir George laughed at her, but was himself a little disconcerted. The
parlour door flew open--a footman entered--Mr Warner--and in stalked my
kinsman, with a very stately tread. He was dressed out, I assure you. A
large well powdered wig, tied with a rose; a suit of the finest
cinamon-coloured cloth, and over it a surtout of the richest mohair and
silk, with gold frogs; and a fine clouded cane, with a gold head; silk
stockings of the same colour with his coat; a fine lace-cravat, his hat
under his arm. He really looked very gentleman-like, and venerable; for
he appears older than he is.
He glanced his eyes with a supercilious scorn, over my brother and
sister, who stood up at his entrance, and making up directly to me,
saluted me, and took his place by me. A short silence ensued, which was
broken by my asking Mr Warner to drink a glass of wine. I could almost
have smiled at the embarrassment of my brother and Lady Sarah; the old
gentleman enjoyed it, and looked at them both, but as if he knew
neither. My brother had recourse to the bottle, he drank my health, and
civilly enough bowed to Mr Warner, just pronouncing the word Sir!--the
other scarce returned it by a slight inclination of his head.
At last, addressing himself to me, cousin, if you have no aversion to
tobacco, I should be glad if you would indulge me with a pipe; 'tis my
custom after dinner, but I have not smoaked yet.
As I had never observed him to do this, when he had dined with me
before, I took it for granted the compliment was meant for Lady Sarah.
I said _I_ had no objection, and referred myself by a bow to Lady Sarah.
She made no reply, and my kinsman, without seeming to mind any one
else, rang the bell, saying, if _you_ don't dislike it, there is no more
to be said. The black, whom he had given me, presenting himself at the
door, Mr Warner desired him to step to his lodgings for his pipe and
some tobacco. The man quickly returned with a long japaned reed, with a
boll fixed at the end of it. Mr Warner called for a lighted taper, and
throwing himself back in his chair with one leg crossed over the other,
lighted his pipe with much composure, puffing large clouds of
smoak-a-cross Lady Sarah's nose, who sat at his right-hand. My sister,
who had really an unaffected aversion to tobacco, could not bear this;
she coughed excessively, and, with tears in her eyes, rose off her
chair, and retired to the other end of the room. My old gentleman
laughed till he weezed, nodding his head after her, and looking at me,
as much as to say, I am glad I have sent her off.
Sir George, though determined not to be put out of humour, thought this
was going too far; I was really uneasy myself, and hardly knew how to
act; for if I shewed any mark of distinction to Lady Sarah, I knew it
would be construed by Mr Warner as an affront to him. I ventured,
however, to tell her that if she would step into the drawing-room, I
should order coffee, and wait on her immediately.
Ay, said my brother, approaching his lady, and taking her by the hand,
let us get out of this horrid atmosphere that this honest gentleman has
raised about us. The honest gentleman vouchsafed not to look at him, and
my brother and sister withdrew into the adjoining room.
As soon as they were gone, Mr Warner threw down his pipe, and striking
the table with his clenched fist, burst into a loud laugh. Lord, Lord!
said he, pride _will_ have a fall. I think I have brought them down a
little; how like asses they both looked! Well, now I am satisfied--I
have had my revenge, you may go and drink your coffee with them, I'll
bid you good-by.
He immediately withdrew, and I joined my brother and sister, who were
heartily rejoiced that they had got rid of him.
Sir George said, he saw his design, but was resolved not to give an
opportunity for insults, and so held his tongue. As he is your friend,
Sidney, said he, I would not distress you by engaging you as a party on
either side, which must have been the case; for that old fellow would
not have suffered you to remain neutral.
I told him our kinsman was whimsical, but that as he was now thoroughly
satisfied at having paid them in kind, I was sure he would never again
seek to give them any offence, and they ought to forgive him by the law
of retaliation.
They laughed at the singularity of his manner, and the whole passed off
in mirth: though Lady Sarah declared he had made her quite sick with his
nauseous tobacco.
_March 3_
The ridiculous scene, my Cecilia, for a while called off my thoughts
from the melancholy subject which is now nearest my heart, I mean the
shocking account which Sir George gave me of Mrs--, can I bear to call
her--Faulkland! but it now recurs to me with all its horrors. Oh, my
dear, what a fatal wretch have I been to Mr Faulkland! my best purposes,
by some unseen power, are perverted from their ends. I wonder the food
which I take to nourish me is not converted into poison when I touch it.
But I will calm my troubled mind with this reflexion, that I _meant_ not
to do evil. Mr Faulkland, ignorant of his own misfortune, may (as
hundreds of others in the same situation are) still be happy, if that
light creature has but a single grain of honour or gratitude. I will not
think of it--anticipating as you used to call me, I will banish the
hateful idea from my mind.
_March 12_
What do you think, my Cecilia? Mrs Gerrarde has eloped from her husband,
and is now at Paris in quality of mistress to a young nobleman who
maintains her in vast splendour. I had this news in a letter from Mrs
Faulkland to-day.
Poor Pivet wrote his master an account of it. You know the agreement to
pay this young man an annual sum was conditional. Upon Mr Arnold's
death, Pivet tired of the termagant spirit, and intolerable coquetry of
his wife, was very glad to relax his discipline; and declared, were he
to have had a thousand a year, he would not undertake to keep her within
bounds; and that nothing but his great respect for Mr Faulkland could
have engaged him in the task so long. He acknowleges that he is very
glad to be rid of her, and as Mr Faulkland enabled him to set up very
handsomely in his business, I really think he is happy in his loss.
_March 14_
I have been deeply affected, my Cecilia, within these two days. If it
had not been in my power to relieve the distress I have been a witness
to, how unhappy would it have made me!
I was stepping out of my chariot yesterday morning, when a young woman
who stood at my door, in an old linnen gown, presented to me a little
band-box, open and filled with artificial flowers; she spoke not, but
the silent anguish in her looks drew my attention. She seemed about
eighteen, and very pretty. As an appearance of industry I think doubles
the claim which the poor have to our compassion, I took out of her box a
small sprig of jessamin, very naturally imitated, and asked the young
woman if she made those flowers herself.
She modestly replied, she did. And cannot you, child, said I, find any
one who would give you constant employment in this way to prevent your
wandering about in the streets to dispose of your work?
She answered, Yes, Madam, but I have a poor decrepid father in jail, who
cannot be without my assistance. I live with him, and only come out once
a week to sell my flowers. I might go to service, but he would die if I
were to leave him. Her gentle speech, her youth, and the unaffected
tender sorrow that appeared in her face, when she spoke of her father,
touched me to the heart.
I bade her come in, and taking her into the parlour, was desirous to ask
her some questions.
You look, said I, as if you had not been bred in poverty; pray what is
your father?
She blushed, and with down-cast eyes replied, A clergyman, Madam.
A clergyman, I repeated, what misfortunes (for such I must suppose they
were) drove him to the distressed situation you mention?
It _was_ a misfortune, Madam, and not any crime, answered the girl, with
tears in her eyes; my father is as good a man as ever was born.
I asked his name, and she told me it was Price.
My curiosity was excited by her manner. I desired her to sit down, and
relate to me the particulars of her story.
She obeyed with a sensible politeness that pleased me.
About twelve years ago, said she, my father had a little cure in
Berkshire; he was reckoned a fine preacher and a very great scholar, and
what was more than either, one of the best of men. In the parish to
which my father belonged, lived a gentleman of a very great estate, his
name was Ware; he was himself a very worthy man, and had so high an
opinion of my father, that he pitched upon him to go abroad in quality
of governor to his only son, then a youth of about nineteen. As my
father had travelled in the same capacity once before, he was very well
qualified for the employment; and had no objection to the acceptance of
it but his leaving my mother, of whom he was very fond, and me his only
child, then scarcely more than an infant. The elder Mr Ware assured him
he would be a friend and guardian to us both (and so he was) and that he
would, in his absence, allow us double the income which my father
received from his cure.
This, together with the appointment, which he was to receive as his
son's governor was too handsome an offer to be refused, especially as
the gentleman promised he should never want a patron in him while he
lived; and every body knew he had interest enough to make this promise
of consequence. My father was then past fifty, but as he was of a very
healthy strong constitution, he did not think it too late to undertake,
for the good of his family, what he said was a very troublesome task.
I could not help interrupting the young gentlewoman to ask her how it
came to pass that her father, such a man as she represented him to be,
was no better provided for at this time of life, especially as she said
he had before been intrusted with the care of a pupil, whom I presumed
to be a person of fortune, as scarce any others are sent to travel.
She said, he had a small patrimony of his own, and that his original
design was to study physic; but being persuaded by the love he bore a
young gentleman, to whom he was private tutor at the university, to go
abroad with him, he had for some years, while they continued on their
travels, been obliged to decline this study. When he had brought his
pupil safe back to England, he intended to pursue it, and for this
purpose was preparing to go to Leyden; but the gentleman, who really had
an affection for him, declared he could not part with him; and that if
he would consent to stay and take holy orders, he would get him a living
which was in his father's gift (a nobleman then alive,) as soon as it
should become vacant, of which there was a good prospect, on account of
the age of the incumbent; and that in the mean time he should live with
him. As the young gentleman had been married immediately after his
return from his travels to a lady of vast fortune, and was settled with
a family of his own about him, my father who fondly loved him, did not
disrelish the proposal; and without much difficulty consented to it. He
now laid aside the thoughts of physic, and turned his attention to the
study of divinity; nor was he in haste for the promised living's being
vacated, as he was resolved not to take orders till he was properly
qualified for the holy profession he was now destined to. He continued
thus four years with his young patron; the gentleman who possessed the
living, though very sickly still holding it.
My father then being inclined to go into orders, his friend got him
nominated to a cure in town, the duties of which he constantly performed
for two years, still living with his benefactor: but it was his
misfortune then to lose him. He was drowned in crossing a deep water on
horse-back which he thought was fordable. My poor father had now lost,
as it proved, his only friend; though he then lamented him as a son he
loved; and I have heard him say he was more afflicted for his death,
than his real father was.
As that nobleman was well acquainted with his son's intentions in regard
to his tutor, my father had no doubts of his fulfilling them, especially
as he had given his promise to do so. About this time the curate of the
parish in Berkshire which I mentioned to you before, having a mind to
make an exchange for one in London where all his friends lived, proposed
it to my father who had been at college with him. As he had now no
attachment in town, and preferred a country life, he readily agreed to
the change; and having first waited on the father of his late friend to
remind him of his promise, which he again confirmed, he went down to
Berkshire. Here it was he fell in love with my mother, who was the
daughter of the rector whose cure he served; she liked him, and as her
father looked upon him as a man certain of preferment, and every way
esteemable in his character, he did not scruple to give her to him.
In a few months after their marriage, the incumbent of the long-promised
living died.
My father immediately waited on the nobleman, so sure of success that he
thought he should have nothing to do but to thank him for it; but that
Lord told him with a pretended concern, that he had disposed of it,
having heard that my father was well provided for in Berkshire, and had
married a lady of great fortune.
He returned home shocked and disappointed, more on account of the family
he had married into, than on his own. He now found himself at near forty
years of age, with a family coming on him, and no other provision than a
curacy of forty pounds a year. My grandfather pretended he had been
deceived by him, and made that excuse for withdrawing all his favour
from him. My mother had children pretty fast, but they all died young
excepting myself; and as he loved her too well to let her feel the
inconvenience of streightened circumstances, he was content to let his
own little patrimony, which he had preserved till now, gradually waste;
for my grandfather never gave her any fortune. At his death, which
happened a few years after, it appeared he could not, for he left but
little behind him. In this situation, my father having lost all hopes of
being better provided for, with the melancholy reflexion of having
thrown away the best part of his days in a fruitless attendance and
expectation, dragged on a life of obscurity and toil for eleven years;
and then it was that Mr Ware applied to him in the manner I have
mentioned.
I told this amiable girl, I was glad I had interrupted the thread of her
story, as by that means she had obliged me with so many interesting
particulars of her family, and then requested she would proceed. She
bowed with a pretty modest grace, and went on.
I informed you, Madam, that my father, having accepted of the tuition of
Mr Ware's son, prepared to attend him on his travels. He took his leave
very reluctantly of my poor mother and me, whom he tenderly recommended
to Mr Ware's patronage, and set out with the young gentleman, having
given up his cure, as his absence was to be of a long continuance.
Mr Ware, who was a truly good man, was punctual in the performance of
his promise towards my mother and me, and behaved while my father was
away like a second parent. His son continued abroad upwards of four
years, and returned a very accomplished gentleman.
Mr Ware was exceedingly pleased with my father's conduct, for which he
told him both his son and himself owed him the utmost gratitude. He was
now far advanced in years, and grown indolent from infirmities, he
thought it better to be himself the rewarder of my father's merit, than
take upon him the trouble of soliciting other people to provide for him;
and accordingly resolved to give him an annual income of two hundred
pounds during his life. He told him, at the same that as his estate was
entailed, it was not in his power to confirm this grant by a will; but
he was sure his son was too sensible of what he owed him, not to promise
in the most solemn manner to continue to him this income, when he should
come into his inheritance. The young gentleman, who was present,
handsomely acknowleged the obligations he had to my father, and assured
him he thought he could never sufficiently repay them.
My father, who now wished for nothing more than to sit down peacably on
a competency, thought himself very happy; he retired to his little house
in Berkshire, where my mother and I still lived, and gave himself up to
domestic contentment.
The old gentleman was punctual to his agreement, constantly paying my
father fifty pounds every quarter. He died in something less than three
years; his son immediately on his accession to his fortune, being at
that time in London, wrote my father a very affectionate letter,
assuring him of the continuance of his friendship. Nor did he fail in
his promise; for two years he was punctual in his remittances to my
father. He did not during that time come down to Berkshire, having
another country-seat, of which he was fonder. At this time I lost my
dear mother, who had been for some years in a declining way; and though
during her health, as she was an exceedingly good oeconomist, my
father might have laid by some of his income, yet the frequent journies
she was prescribed to Bath, and other places, for change of air,
together with the expence of physicians at home, put it out of his power
to save any thing: which on my account gave him great uneasiness; but as
he was still strong and hale, he was in hopes he might yet live to lay
by something for me. I was now about fifteen, and the darling of my
father's heart. He was inconsolable for my mother's death, but I
endeavoured to comfort him, and at last in some measure succeeded. Mr
Ware, whom my father had not seen since the death of the good old
gentleman, came down now to revisit his paternal seat. He would not omit
paying a visit of condolement to his old friend and tutor, and
accordingly came to our house the day after his arrival in the country.
Though I had seen him before, as it was in my childhood, I had taken but
little notice of him; he is indeed a handsome genteel young man.
The innocent girl blushed as she spoke these words, but I seemed not to
observe it.
She proceeded with a sigh. My father who loved him, was rejoiced to see
him; Mr Ware behaved with a tenderness and respect almost filial towards
him, and very obliging to me. He continued about a week in the country,
calling to ask my father how he did every day. When he was about to
return to London, he pressed my father to pass a few weeks with him in
town: you are melancholy here, said he, changing the scene a little,
will divert both your daughter and you.
My father thanked him for the honour he did him, but modestly declined
it.
Mr Ware guessed at his motive, and told him, smiling, I know your
objection, but to obviate it at once, I must tell you that I have
prevailed on my sister to come and keep house for me, and I expect to
find her at home on my return. I knew his sister, a maiden lady some
years older than himself, who had on the death of his father gone to
live with a near relation of theirs. My father smiling in his turn, told
him he had guessed his mind rightly, and since that was the case, he
would not deprive his poor girl (looking at me) of the happiness of the
good lady's company for a while.
Mr Ware said, we might go to town with him in his coach, and as we had
but little preparation to make, we set out with him next day.
When we arrived at his house in London, he welcomed us with all the
marks of politeness and respect. I was surprized we did not see his
sister the whole night, but as she was not apprized of our coming, I
thought that either she was abroad, or had not yet quitted her friend
with whom she lived.
The next morning at breakfast Mr Ware made an apology for his sister's
absence. He said, that the lady, at whose house she lived, was ill, and
that she could not possibly leave her till she was better, which he
supposed would be in a few days, as her sickness was no other than the
consequence of her lying-in; mean while he hoped Mr Price would not be
uneasy, as he was himself his daughter's guardian.
Though my father was not pleased at this excuse, he however concealed
his thoughts from Mr Ware; but told me if Miss Ware did not come home in
a few days, he purposed that we should take our leave and return into
the country.
We had very handsome apartments assigned us; and my father was put in
possession of Mr Ware's library; a very noble one, where that gentleman
knew he would pass his most agreeable hours.
For my part as I did not care to go abroad, 'till I had a proper person
for me to appear with, I declined the offer Mr Ware very obligingly made
of getting some ladies of his acquaintance to take me to public places.
I expected his sister every day, and if she came, as I knew my father
purposed staying for a month, I thought I should have time enough to see
every thing; so I chose to entertain myself with working, and reading in
my own room.
But, Madam, I soon found that Mr Ware was a very base man. The third day
after we came to his house, his behaviour towards me began to change
intirely from what it was before; he took every opportunity of being
particular to me in his compliments. I received them at first with that
distant civility which I thought would neither encourage nor offend; I
looked upon him as a worthy young man, and my father's friend and
benefactor; and thought in my humble station I should not be too quick
at taking exceptions, as there had nothing as yet appeared in his
behaviour which exceeded the bounds of respect: but he did not preserve
this long; on the fifth day he came into a closet where I was reading,
and there in the warmest manner declared himself my lover. I would fain
have turned his discourse into pleasantry, but he had recourse to oaths
and protestations, and swore he could not live without my favour. I
represented the cruelty of the insult he offered me in his own house,
and begged he would leave me, as I was determined to depart immediately.
I will not, Sir, said I, let my father know the unkind return you have
made for all his care of you, but I can easily prevail with him to leave
your house. He fell at my feet, begged my pardon, and talked all that
sort of stuff which I have read in romances. At length I got him out of
the closet, and locked the door; resolving never to sit alone, without
using the same precaution while we staid in his house, which I hoped
would not be above a day or two longer; for I concluded there was no
sister to come, and that this was only made use of as a snare to draw us
to town.
As I had a mind to try the young girl, I asked her, How came you to
receive Mr Ware's addresses in the manner you mentioned? how did you
know but he intended to marry you?
Ah no, Madam, said she, I could not entertain such a thought; I have not
troubled you with the particulars of what he said to me, but young as I
was, I knew too well what it tended to; besides the fear he shewed lest
my father should know of his pretended courtship, was enough to convince
me what his designs were, without any thing else to guide me.
Did you like him, I asked? The ingenuous young woman blushed.
I _could_ have liked him. Madam, she replied, better than any body I had
ever seen, if there had not been such a distance between us. I desired
her to proceed.
I told my father that same evening, that as I saw there was no
likelihood of the lady's coming to her brother; and as I led but a
melancholy life, having no woman to converse with, I had much rather be
at home amongst my neighbours and acquaintance, and begged he would
return to Berkshire.
My father said, it was what he had determined on after completing our
week in town, unless Miss Ware came in the interim; I have just told our
friend so, said he; he seems to take it unkindly, and says he is afraid
he has disobliged me; but I assured him my only reason was, that I did
not think the house of a handsome young batchelor, a proper place for a
pretty little country girl, even though her old father was with her. He
assures me his sister will come, and wants to protract our stay a few
days longer; I hardly know how to refuse his entreaties, but I shall be
uneasy till we are at home.
I told my father, Mr Ware had too much sense to take his refusal amiss,
and begged of him to stick to his day.
I gave Mr Ware no opportunity of speaking to me the remainder of that
day, nor all the next; though he came to my closet door where I always
sat, and entreated for admission; but I was peremptory in my denial, and
he went away reproaching me with cruelty.
Mr Ware made an apology to my father, on account of his being obliged to
spend the evening abroad, the first time that he had been absent from us
since we came to his house. He had twice entertained us with a very
agreeable concert, at which there was a great deal of company, both
gentlemen and ladies. He had got it performed at his own house, on
purpose to amuse my father, who was a great lover of music; but
excepting those two mornings, I had never seen any company with him, as
he said he would not invite strangers, 'till I had got a companion of my
own sex to keep me in countenance. My father and I supped alone; we were
to go out of town the next day, and we retired to our respective
chambers about eleven o'clock, in order to go to bed.
The poor girl paused at this part of her story, as if she were ashamed
to proceed.
I hope, said I, Mr Ware did not violate the laws of hospitality, by
intruding on you that night. Oh, Madam, he did, he did, said she; the
vile wretch hid himself somewhere, I know not where, for it was not in
my closet. The house-keeper slept in my room, in a little tent-bed,
which had been put up for that purpose; but she was not as yet come up
stairs. The chamber-maid, who had attended me to my room, told me there
was to be a great deal of company to dine with her master the next day,
and as the house-keeper was very busy in making jellies and pastry, she
was afraid she should sit up late, and hoped I should not be disturbed
at her coming into the room. I always dismissed the maid immediately, as
I was not used to have a person undress me. I went to bed, but not being
a very sound sleeper, and knowing a particularity I had, which was, that
if once rouzed, I could not compose myself to rest again, I resolved not
to attempt it at all 'till the house-keeper came to bed. I placed the
candle on a stand near me, and took up a book that I found on a chair,
by my bed-side, which I had been reading in the evening. I had been
about an hour thus employed, when I heard somebody treading softly in
the room: as I had not heard the door open, I called out, in a fright,
to know who was there. I received no answer; but immediately Mr Ware
presented himself, on his knees, at my bed-side, and half leaning on my
bed. I shrieked out; I knew not what he said, but I remember the most
wicked of men held me fast, and talked a great deal; I continued
shrieking incessantly, and struggling to get loose from him, which at
last I did, by giving a violent spring, which threw me out of bed on the
floor.
I had hurt myself sadly by the fall; but dragging the quilt off the bed
after me, I wrapped it about me and shrieked louder than before. The
vile man tried to pacify me, and said I should disturb my father.
Providentially for me, my dear father had not gone to bed, for his room
was a great way from mine, but was reading in the study, which was over
my bed-chamber. He had heard my shrieks from the first, but, little
dreaming it was his poor daughter's voice, he imagined the noise was in
the street, and had lifted up the sash, and looked out to try whence it
proceeded. Finding every thing quiet without doors, he ran down stairs,
and was led, by my cries, into my room, for my vile persecutor had not
locked the door, very well knowing none of his own people could dare to
molest him, and he did not think my cries would have reached my father's
ears, as indeed they would not, if he had gone to bed. Think, Madam,
what my poor father must feel, when he saw me on the floor (for I was
not able to rise) such a spectacle of horror; my cap was off, and my
nose bleeding with the fall.
The wretch was endeavouring to lift me up, and I trying to resist him.
Good God defend me! said my father, what is this I see? Oh, Sir, said I,
clinging round him, carry me out of the house! carry me out directly
from this monster! my father looked aghast. You do not mean Mr Ware, my
child, said he, it cannot be _He_ who has put you in this condition? Mr
Ware quitted the room the minute he saw my father, which was not till I
catched hold of him: for he had his back to the door, and, I suppose,
was in too much agitation to hear him coming in.
My poor father, speechless with astonishment, took me into his arms, and
put me sitting on the bed; then stepping into my closet, brought out a
bottle of water, some of which he made me drink, and afterwards washed
the blood from my face, which he soon found only proceeded from my
having hurt my nose a little.
When I had recovered breath enough, I told him all that had passed. His
despair, Madam, is not to be described; he tore his hair, and was like a
madman. Where is the ungrateful villain, said he? I will go this minute
and upbraid him with his treachery; he ran to the chamber-door, but it
was locked on the outside. My father thus prevented from going out, had
time to cool a little: he considered it would to be no purpose to
reproach a powerful tyrant with the injuries he did us; he resolved to
quit the inhospitable house as soon as any one in the family was up to
open the door to him, and without ever seeing his face again, commit
himself to providence for his future subsistence.
It would have been happy for us if he could have executed this design;
but the profligate man prevented us. We spent the remainder of the night
in lamenting our misery. At day-light Mr Ware entered the room in his
night-gown, for I suppose he had gone to rest after he left us.
He told my father he was sorry for what had passed, and imputed it to
his having drunk too much. I own, said he, I love your daughter to
distraction, and could not bear the thoughts of losing her, as I found
you resolved to go out of town so suddenly. My father answered, I will
not reproach you as I ought, but my tender care of your youth did not
deserve this return: suffer us to depart out of your house, and you
shall never more be troubled with us.
Mr Ware entreated to speak with my father by himself, and with much
difficulty prevailed on him to go into his study with him. They staid
together near half an hour, and I heard them talking high; my father
then entered my room with tears streaming from his eyes. He threw
himself into a chair in an agony of grief. The villain, said he, has
finished his work--he has stabbed your father's heart--I ran to him
almost frantic; I thought he had made an attempt upon his life. When I
found he was not hurt, I asked him the meaning of his words.
He would have me _sell_ you to him, said he; he would have bribed the
father to prostitute his child. Oh, Sir, said I, why, do we stay under
this detested roof? There is no safety for us here, said he, come, my
dear, let us get out of the house, and then we will consider which way
we are to turn ourselves.
My father laid hold of my hand, and I followed him, just as I was in my
morning gown. We thought if we could once find ourselves in the street,
we should be happy, though neither of us knew where to go, having no
acquaintance in London. I had never been there before, and my father had
been so long absent, that he was forgotten by every body.
We got out of my room into a little sort of anti-chamber, but found the
door of that fast locked.
We now gave ourselves up for lost; our despair is not to be expressed:
we sat down, and consulted what was best to be done. I saw now that
there was nothing that our base persecutor would not attempt, and I told
my father I was resolved at all events to make my escape.
He said that the shocking wretch had given him till the next day to
consider of his proposal; and he hoped, by that time, both father and
daughter would come enough to their senses, to think he had made them a
very advantageous offer.
I told him in that lucky interval I hoped to be able to affect my
deliverance; which I thought I might accomplish, with his assistance, by
tying the sheets of my bed together, and so from the window, sliding
into the street.
We were both pleased with this expedient; but the next thing to be
considered was, what place I should go to, as I could not make this
attempt till late at night, and must go alone; for my father being in
years, and pretty corpulent, I could not think of letting him run the
same hazard, which might have put his life into imminent danger,
especially as I could not give him the same help which he could afford
me. This was a difficulty, till I recollected a mantua-maker, who was
then making some clothes for me; and I happened to know where she lived.
To her house I resolved to go (having first settled all my previous
steps) and to remain concealed there till my father should get an
opportunity of coming to me. I told him as _I_ was the unhappy object on
whom Mr Ware had designs, I supposed he would not detain my father after
I was gone. He shook his head, but said, he hoped he would not.
Having now settled our little plan, we were more composed. A servant
brought breakfast into my apartment at the usual hour, and dinner, and
supper, in the like manner. We did not appear, troubled, but as
carefully avoided seeming chearful, for fear of giving suspicion.
The house-keeper was generally the last person up in the family; so that
I was either to seize the opportunity before she came up to my room, or
wait till she was asleep. The last I thought was the securest method, as
she was an extremely sound sleeper. I lifted up the sash in the
bed-chamber, to be in readiness, and closed the shutters again.
Very fortunately my father having received his quarterly payment from Mr
Ware just before we came to town, had fifty guineas in his purse, half
of which he insisted on my taking in case of any emergency.
About twelve o'clock the house-keeper came into the room where we were
sitting, as she was obliged to pass through that to go to the room where
we lay.
We heard her at the door, and my father suddenly changing the subject of
our discourse, made me a sign which I understood; and as the woman
entered, affected to be representing to me the charms of wealth and
grandeur, whilst I seemed to listen, with a sort of pleasure to him. He
stopped when the woman came in, but not till he was sure she had heard
what he said, for we observed that she staid at the outside of the door
a little while, as if to listen to our conversation. On seeing us
engaged in discourse, she made a motion to withdraw, saying she would
come up again when Mr Price was retired to rest; but I told her she
might if she pleased, then go to bed, as we should not sit up long. But
as I suppose she had orders to lock me in after my father had left me,
she did not chuse to do this. She said she was not sleepy, but would
come up in half an hour, and left the room smiling.
This was an opportunity which I thought was not to be lost. I repaired
to the window, and hearing a watchman cry the hour, I waited till he
came under it, and having prepared a piece of paper, in which I had put
a weight to carry it down, I lighted it and dropped it at his feet; it
was fastened to a string, and at some distance from it above, was
fastened another large piece of white paper folded up, in which I put a
guinea, and in two lines written in a large plain hand, beseeched him to
assist me in getting down, for which I would reward him with another
guinea.
The lighted paper (as I concluded it would) attracted the man's notice,
he stopped and took it up, and finding another paper hanging to the
string, looked up at the window. I leaned my body out as far as I could,
and, in a low voice, but loud enough for him to hear me, bid him read
it. He opened the paper, and, by the light of his own lantern, read the
lines, at the same time taking out the guineas, which I could perceive
he also examined by the same light. He then said, I'll help you, stay a
little.
He made what haste he could away, and I was now afraid he intended to
leave me, and return no more. My terror was inexpressible during the
man's absence, especially as several people in that interval passed by;
however, he soon returned with a companion; and the street being now
clear, I saw he had brought a sort of plank, or board, under his arm,
which he fixed from the iron pallisados a-cross to the stone-work which
jutted out from the bottom of the lower windows, on this he without
difficulty mounted, and being now much nearer to me, he told me he would
receive me, if I could contrive to get down to him.
My poor father hastily kissed, and blessed me, and having my apparatus
ready for descending, he had the farther precaution to fix some strong
ribbons, which I had tied together for the purpose under my arms; these
he held in his hands, whilst I slid down by the sheets which I had
fastened together corner-ways with a knot.
The trusty watchman caught me in his arms, and lifted me over the
pallisados, to his comrade, who set me safely down in the street.
It was very dark, but I could distinguish when my father drew in the
linen, and heard him shut the window. I then told my deliverer that I
must beg a farther act of kindness from him, which was to see me safe to
the street where I wanted to go.
He readily complied, and leaving it to his comrade to carry away the
plank, took me under the arm, and we got without being molested to the
mantua-maker's house. The family were all in bed; when after repeated
knocking, a maid looked out of an upper window, and asked us what we
wanted. I told her an acquaintance of her mistress had urgent business
with her, and begged she would step down and speak to me from the
parlour window. After keeping me a long while waiting, she at length
came down, I then gave the watchman the other guinea I had promised him,
and dismissed him, very well pleased with his night's adventure.
After he was gone, I told the woman my name, and begged she would let me
come in, which she immediately did. I without scruple acquainted her
with the manner of my escape, and the occasion of it; she was shocked
and affected with my story, and promised to keep me concealed till my
father should come to carry me to some place of greater safety; for she
said, as Mr Ware's house-keeper was her acquaintance I might be
discovered at her house.
This terrified me exceedingly, but the good-natured woman gave me the
most solemn assurances that I should be safe for the short time she
supposed I should stay with her. She invited me to part of her bed, as
she told me she had never a spare one, and I readily accepted of her
offer.
I remained all the next day in the utmost grief and anxiety, at hearing
nothing from my poor father. In the evening of the second day, a porter
brought a letter to the mantua-maker, which served only as a cover for a
note directed to me. Seeing it writ in my father's hand, I eagerly
opened it; but oh, Madam, how shall I tell you my grief, and horror,
when I saw it dated from a prison! My poor father told me, that our
cruel persecutor, enraged at my escape, had charged my father with it,
who immediately acknowleged he had assisted in delivering me from ruin;
that Mr Ware, after treating him with the most injurious language,
demanded payment of him for the sums he said he had lent him from time
to time since his father's death.
To this my father making no other reply, than that Mr Ware knew he had
it not in his power to refund any of that money, which, though it was a
free gift, he would restore sooner than lie under any obligation to such
a base man, the villain was barbarous enough to have him arrested, and
sent to jail, where he said he should remain till his stubborn spirit
should be glad to yield up his daughter to him.
My father desired me to come to him directly, and to bring some body
with me to protect me by the way. I instantly obeyed, and sending for a
hackney coach, the mantua-maker got her husband, a decent tradesman, and
his apprentice to accompany me. We drove directly to my poor father's
melancholy habitation, where they delivered me safe into his hands. His
joy at seeing me again, made him for a while forget the sorrows which
surrounded us.
He told me that after he had seen me get safe into the street, and had
recommended me to the care of providence, he had put every thing out of
the way which had assisted me in my escape; and putting out one of the
candles left it in my room, that the house-keeper, when she come up,
might suppose me in bed; he then went to his own. He concluded that the
woman, when she went into my room, supposed me asleep. Mr Ware was at
home the whole evening, and had before that retired to rest, so that
there was no discovery made that night.
My father now informed me that Mr Ware had said, when he first made the
odious proposal to him, that if I complied, he would allow my father
four hundred pounds a year, and settle the like sum upon me for life; at
the same time, in case of refusal, insinuating the threat which he
afterwards put into execution. Thinking, no doubt, he should by this
intimidate my poor father so much, that upon reflexion he would use his
endeavours to prevail on me to comply; and it was for this wicked
purpose he was permitted, or rather compelled to pass the whole day with
me. I would not, added my father relate this particular to you, for fear
your tenderness to me might shake your virtue; but the trial God be
praised! is now past; you are here my poor child at least in safety. We
have some money to support us for a while, perhaps the wicked wretch may
relent. If he gives me my liberty I may still obtain a livelihood; and
if I can get you received into some worthy family, that will protect you
from his violence, I shall be contented.
My father, unwilling to expose his ungrateful pupil, and thinking when
he cooled a little he would be ashamed of his conduct and release him,
resolved not to apprise any of his friends in Berkshire of his
situation; but wrote a long expostulatory letter to Mr Ware, which he
concluded with requesting no other favour but his liberty.
To this, Mr Ware wrote in answer, that he was still ready to make good
his first proposals, and since he now found that he had got his daughter
with him, he should obtain his liberty on no other terms.
My father still loath to believe him so lost to humanity as to persist
in this barbarous resolution, patiently waited another month; at the end
of which he again wrote him a very affecting letter; but to this he
received no answer, being told Mr Ware was gone into Berkshire. He wrote
to two or three gentlemen of his acquaintance there, informing them of
his deplorable situation, and begging them to use their influence with
Mr Ware on his behalf. He did not disclose the enormity of his
behaviour, but only said, that on a quarrel he had with him, he had
confined him under colour of a debt, which it was not in his power to
discharge; this he did as much in tenderness to Mr Ware's character, as
to avoid exasperating him more against him.
He ordered me at the same time to write to an old maid-servant, who took
care of our little house in the country, to send me my clothes, my
father's books, and such other things as belonged to him. As I had come
to town but for a month, and was in deep mourning for my mother, I had
left the best part of my apparel behind me, and I had taken nothing with
me from Mr Ware's but a little bundle of linnen; my father had been
permitted to carry his with him to the prison.
As the furniture in this little house was of no great value, my father
having purchased it as it stood in the house of the former curate, he
made a present of it to the old servant, who had lived with him from the
time he married.
He received no answer to any of the letters he wrote to the gentlemen;
but I got a letter from this old servant, at the same time that she sent
the things which I wrote for. And you will scarce believe, Madam, to
what a height this abandoned wretch carried his crimes.
Not contented with having plunged my poor father and me into the deepest
distress, he endeavoured to blast and destroy our characters in the
country. He gave out that my father, taking advantage of his (Mr Ware's)
being a little overcome with wine one night, had put his daughter to bed
to him, and would have insisted the next day that he had married them.
To punish the ungrateful designing old rogue, he said he had put him
into jail where he intended to keep him a month or two till he repented.
Though the respectable character my father bore in his neighbourhood
made this story incredible, yet Mr Ware's power and influence was such,
that people seemed to believe it, and applauded Mr Ware's clemency in my
father's punishment. No wonder then his letters were unanswered; they
were shewn to Mr Ware, and laughed at. The old servant, who was sure we
were both cruelly belied, lamented our unhappy fate, but poor creature
she could do nothing _but_ lament. This last blow quite subdued my
father's courage; he fell sick upon it, and languished many weeks in a
most melancholy condition.
When he recovered a little from his sickness, he was suddenly struck
with the dead palsey on one side, by which he lost the use of his right
hand; so that I am obliged to dress and undress him like a child.
When the money which we had brought with us to the prison was spent, we
were obliged to sell most of my father's books, and the best of my
clothes.
We had repeated messages from the merciless man, by his vile
house-keeper, who used all her rhetoric to persuade us to compliance;
but my father constantly repulsed her, with contempt and indignation;
'till at length Mr Ware, tired, I believe, with persecuting us, left us
to perish in peace. He supposed my father could not hold out long; and
he then concluded I should be at his mercy; for as I never stirred out
of the jail, he had no hopes of getting me into his power whilst my poor
father lived.
If I had even a place of refuge to go to, I could not think of leaving
him in the wretched hopeless condition to which he was now reduced. I
thought therefore of applying myself to something, by which I could
obtain bread for our support. I set about making those little artificial
flowers, which had formerly been one of my amusements; and a woman, who
was confined in the same prison with us, and worked for some shops,
undertook to dispose of them for me. She had a daughter, who came often
to see her, and used to carry her work and mine to the people who
bespoke it.
In this manner we have languished, Madam, near eighteen months; when
hearing lately that Mr Ware was gone to Bath, and the girl who used to
visit her mother being sick, I ventured out myself with the work. The
person who employs us did live in the city; but has lately taken a shop
in this street; and though it is a journey from what I now call my
dismal home, I have come to her once a week, for this month past, with
the product of my own, and, I may say, my fellow prisoner's labours. She
told me this day she was overstocked with such flowers as I brought her,
and, having picked out a few of the best of them, she left those, which
you see in my band-box, upon my hands. I was returning home very
disconsolate, when, to avoid your chariot, which drew up close to the
house, I stood up on one of your steps, not knowing it was going to
stop; and something in your countenance, Madam, I know not how,
encouraged me to offer my little ware to you.
I have given you this affecting story, my Cecilia, pretty nearly in the
girl's own words. I was much moved by it. If this be all fact, said I,
what monsters are there among mankind!
She replied, It was all very true.
Though the girl was very young, and, as I told you, had a modest and
ingenuous look, yet as I had seen such cheating faces before, I would
not yield up my belief implicitly. This story might be invented to move
compassion, at least, the most material circumstances of it; and though
I could not suppose she had contrived it on the spot, yet I did not know
but it might have been contrived for her.
I have a mind to see your father, child, said I.
She answered, quite composed, Then, Madam, you will see an object, that
would greatly move your pity.
She rose up as she spoke this, saying, her poor father would be very
uneasy at her staying so long, and was preparing to go.
I was seized with a strong inclination to visit this unhappy father
directly. If, said I, the case be as she represents it, I cannot be too
speedy in my relief; and, if she has falsified in any thing, I shall
probably detect her, by not giving her an opportunity of seeing and
preparing him first.
It was not more than eleven o'clock; and I resolved not to defer the
charity I intended. I desired the young woman to stay a while, and
ordering Patty to bring down a plain black silk hood and scarf of her
own, I made the poor girl, to her great astonishment, put them on. I
then ordered a hackney coach to be called, and said, I would go with her
to her father. She looked surprized, but not startled, which made a
favourable impression on me. She appeared decent, and I desired her to
get into the coach, which I ordered, according to her direction, to
drive to the jail, where her father was confined.
When we arrived at this mansion of horror, for so it appeared to me, I
let her go up stairs before me. She stopped at a door, and said that was
the room where her father lay. I bid her go in first; she entered, and I
stood without-side the door, where (as the lobby was dark) I could not
readily be perceived.
I saw there a man of about sixty; and as she had told me her father was
corpulent, I did not at first take him to be the person, for he looked
worn out, pale, and emaciated. He wore his own grisled hair, and had on
a cassock, girded about him with silk sash. One of his hands was slung
in a black crape; he sat pensively, leaning on a table, with a book open
before him, which seemed to be the Bible.
Upon his daughter's going into the room, he lifted up his eyes to see
who it was: he had a fine countenance; candour and sincerity were
painted on it.
My dear, you made a long stay, said he, in a melancholy voice, I was
afraid something had happened to you. What has detained you?
Oh, Sir, said she, looking towards the door, I believe I met with a good
angel, who is come to visit you in prison.
I entered at these words: the venerable man rose.--A good angel indeed,
if her mind be like her face! He bowed respectfully.
Pray, Sir, keep your seat.
I took a chair, and placed myself by him. He did not seem in the least
embarrassed, but gravely and modestly demanded to what it was that he
owed the honour of a visit from a lady of my appearance; for, said he,
affluence and prosperity seldom seek the dwellings of the wretched.
I informed him, that, having met with his daughter by accident, she had
given me a melancholy account of his situation, and that I wished to
hear the particulars from his own mouth. He made an apology for the
length of his story; but said, if I had patience, he would relate it. I
told him, I had come for that purpose.
He then repeated to me every particular, as I had before heard them from
his daughter, enlarging on certain passages, which she had but slightly
touched upon. He shewed me copies of his two letters to Mr Ware, and
that gentleman's answer to the first, as also the old servant's letter
to his daughter, which convinced me of the truth of every thing he had
said.
I asked Mr Price, what Mr Ware's demand on him might amount to?
He said, four hundred pounds, which was what he had received from him,
since his father's death.
Take courage, Sir, said I, you shall not long remain here.
Ah! Madam, cried he, may God be the rewarder of your goodness! but my
enemy is a hardened man; he is not to be influenced by honour or virtue.
I perceived by this that the poor gentleman had no thought of my paying
his debt, but supposed I would endeavour to soften Mr Ware on his
account. Have a little patience, said I, and we will try what is to be
done.
I requested he would give me Mr Ware's letter, wherein he promised to
make good his first proposal, if he would consent to yield up his
daughter to him.
I took my leave, and slipped my purse, which had ten guineas in it, into
his daughter's hand as I went down stairs.
As soon as I returned home, I sent for Mr Warner, and related to him
circumstantially the distresses of this worthy father and child. His
honest indignation burst forth against the base betrayer of them both;
honest I must call it, though he vented his wrath in oaths and
execrations on his head.
These are proper objects, said I, to exercise our humanity on; I mean to
pay his debt, and make the remnant of his days comfortable. You are a
good girl, said, he, you know my purse is open to you.
Oh, Sir, said I, there is no need to tax your generosity upon this
occasion, the two thousand pounds you so lately gave me is but little
diminished. Psha, psha, said he, I gave you that to make ducks and
drakes of; it is not to go into the account; you know your quarter's
income is commenced, you may have what you will.
I begged he would immediately write to Mr Ware, who is now at Bath, and
make him a tender of his money, that we might get the poor man
discharged from confinement as soon as possible.
I gave him that vile fellow's letter, and advised him to let him know
that he was acquainted with the whole truth of the story; which,
perhaps, might frighten him into better terms than insisting on his
whole demand.
Mr Warner said, there was a merchant of his acquaintance at Bristol, to
whom he would write immediately, and order him to pay the money
directly, if it was insisted on. He said, he knew his friend would
readily undertake the thing, and execute it as soon as possible.
He called for pen, ink, and paper, and wrote before me the following
letter to his correspondent, which, as he left it with me to seal, and
send it to the post-office, I first copied.
'Dear Sir,
'I beg immediately on the receipt of this, you will take the
trouble of riding to Bath, and there enquire for a man of fortune,
one Ware, who is the greatest villain in England, and you may tell
him I say so. He has kept a poor honest clergyman starving in jail
this year and a half, because he would not sell his daughter to
him. He pretends the parson owes him four hundred pounds, which is
a lie; for though he received that sum from him, it was paid him
for value received by agreement. However, as the man can have no
redress, I request you would immediately tender him that sum, and
get a discharge, for I will have the poor fellow out.
I herewith send you inclosed a letter which that scoundrel Ware
wrote; pray shew it to him, as a token that the parson's case is
known, and that he has got friends to stand by him.
Your speedy execution of this affair, and answer, will oblige,
'Your friend and servant,
'EDWARD WARNER.'
To Mr William Blow,
merchant, at Bristol.
London, March 14, 1707-8.
My honest kinsman desired I would immediately send this letter off. I
suppose his correspondent will have more discretion than to let Mr Ware
see the contents, but I hope we shall have a good account of this
negotiation.
_March 22_
I have been very impatient, my Cecilia, for an answer to Mr Warner's odd
letter, and this day he received one. His friend at Bristol I take it
for granted acted very prudently, for he says, that having _waited_ on
Mr Ware (which word Mr Warner took great exceptions to) he acquainted
him with his commission, and at the same time produced his letter to Mr
Price by way of identifying the person, as Mr Ware at first seemed not
to recollect any thing of the matter. He said, Mr Ware blushed upon
seeing his own letter, in the hands of a stranger; Aye, I remember the
silly affair now, said he; the man is an old hypocrite, and his daughter
is a young one; but as I never meant to ruin him, I will forgive him the
debt; and accordingly wrote a full acquittal, which the merchant
transmitted with his answer.
Nothing now remained but to pay the usual fees, and get the poor old
gentleman out as fast as we could. Mr Warner undertook to do what was
proper on the occasion, and instantly set out it with an alacrity that
shewed the goodness of his heart.
How wonderfully shame operates on some minds! this wretched man, Ware,
whom neither the laws of God nor man could restrain, has, by this single
passion alone, been subdued. He found his base conduct was known by
people whom he could not impose on; and his forgiving the pretended
debt, no doubt, was meant as a bribe to prevent his disgrace from being
propagated: for though he could sit down and enjoy himself under the
accumulated guilt of fraud, perfidy, cruelty, oppression, and
ingratitude; he was not proof against the reproach and ridicule of the
world. This shews at least that he was not long practised in crimes of
this sort.
_March 24_
I did not see Mr Warner again till this morning, when he entered my room
making flourishes with his hands. Mr Price and his daughter were with
him--Here they are for you, said he, and it has done my heart good to
deliver such honest people from their misery.
The good old man poured forth such fervent prayers, and thanks for my
goodness towards them, that my heart exulted with rapture, at being the
means of conferring such happiness, as this worthy parent and child
seemed to enjoy. The young girl's gratitude was silent, but not less
ardent than her father's. She had kneeled down before me, and kissed my
hands. I was greatly touched with the humility and tenderness of her
acknowlegement.
I put an end to the grateful effusions of these honest hearts. I have
done but little for you, said I, as yet; as Mr Ware had the grace to
refuse the offered sum, I shall apply that money which I intended for
him to your future use, or your liberty will avail you but little.
We shall think of some method of settling you comfortably for life; in
the mean while your daughter and you shall be welcome to live with me.
I stopped him from renewing his thanks, and insisted on his saying no
more on that subject. The poor old gentleman is extremely feeble and
languishing from his long confinement, but I hope with proper care, as
he is naturally strong, he will recover his health.
_April 1_
What true delight springs from benevolent actions, my dear! I never
expected such heart-felt satisfaction as I have received from restoring
comfort to these truly deserving people. I have bought the young lady
some new clothes, plain, but genteel; and you cannot imagine what a
pretty creature she is, now she is dressed. I find the old gentleman a
man of admirable understanding, and great reading. He has a simplicity
in his manner that is truly engaging, but at the same time a politeness
that shews he is no stranger to the great world. Of his integrity he has
given convincing proofs. Praised be the Lord! who has made me, and
honest Mr Warner, the instruments of delivering such a man from the
depths of affliction. He mends apace in his health, but I am afraid he
will never recover the use of his hand; though, as it is not painful, it
seems not to give him any uneasiness.--
_April 10_
I am infinitely charmed with the conversation of this couple; for the
girl is very sensible, and prettily accomplished. I wish she were
married to some honest man that knew her value; for I find she has still
terrors on Mr Ware's account, nor is her father without his
apprehensions.
He said to me to-day, if I were to die, Madam, I would conjure you as
my last request to take my daughter into your service. With such a
pattern before her she must be virtuous, and with such a protector I am
sure she would be safe.
I told him he might rely on me, but that I hoped he would live long
enough to see her happily disposed of in marriage.
If I could see that day, said he, I should then have no other worldly
care to disturb me.
Here, my dearest Cecilia, I will close my very long narrative. The
pacquet is already swelled to an enormous size, but you never think them
too large.
_May 14_
After so many trifles, my dear, as my journal for nearly a month past
contained, you will be glad of something a little more serious. I
mentioned in my last week's journal, that I had cast my eyes on a young
man, who I thought would make a suitable match for Miss Price, if he
were approved of by her, and her father. This person is a linen-draper
in the Strand, a second brother of my Patty's. You can't have forgot
Harry Main, my dear, whom we both knew as a boy, remarkable for his
sober behaviour, modesty, and sweetness of temper. He is just now out of
his time, and his eldest brother has set him up in a handsome shop. You
may be sure I am his customer. 'Tis on this lad then that I have turned
my thoughts, as a fit husband for the amiable girl. I went yesterday
morning to buy some linen for Miss Price, and carried her with me, as I
had done once or twice before. After we made our markets, I told young
Main, with a freedom which a long acquaintance gave me, that I thought
he was so well settled, he wanted nothing but a good wife to complete
his happiness. He replied, he should think himself very happy if he
could light on some good young woman as a partner for life. Why do you
not look out for one, said I? They are not so hard to be come at. I
believe, Madam, he answered, I must get some one else to do it for me,
my friends laugh at me and say I am too bashful to speak for myself, but
I fancy were I to meet with a person that really touched my heart, I
should make a shift to find courage enough to tell her so.
And have you never yet seen such a person, said I? He blushed, and by an
involuntary motion his eyes were turned on Miss Price, of whom I
concluded his sister Patty, as she often visits him, had given him the
history. He said if I commanded him to tell his secret, I should know it
another time.
This was enough; I asked in a jocose way, would he take a wife of my
chusing? Sooner than of any body's in the world, Madam, he replied.
We took our leave, and I asked Patty when I went home, whether she had
ever mentioned any thing about Miss Price to her brother? Poor Patty
coloured for fear she had committed a fault, but owned directly she had
told him every circumstance of her story; her brother having been very
inquisitive about her, from the first time he had seen her with me; and
added, that she believed he was down-right in love with her.
I told her if Miss Price liked her brother, and her father did not
disapprove the match, I saw no reason why they might not make each other
happy, as I should give Miss Price a fortune worth a young man's
acceptance.
Patty said, she was sure her brother would rejoice at the offer, and
that she herself could not wish him to make a better choice.
It only remained now to know how the young lady herself stood affected
towards him. I put Patty (for whom Miss Price had conceived a great
affection) upon this task. I thought she would speak her mind with less
reserve to her, as I feared the obligation she thought herself under to
me, might have such an influence on her gratitude, as to prevent that
freedom which I wished her to use; for I was resolved not to put the
least shadow of constraint on her inclinations.
Patty succeeded so well, that without seeming to have any design in it,
she drew a confession from Miss Price very much in her brother's favour.
Being now sure that the young people liked each other, I thought I might
open my design to the old gentleman, which I did in few words. How the
good man was delighted with the happy prospect which his
deservedly-beloved daughter had before her! he has left the affair
intirely to me, so that I hope to have the girl disposed of very much to
all our satisfaction.
_May 18_
I am charmed with Mr Warner's noble behaviour. I claim an interest, said
he, in these honest creatures that you have taken under your protection.
I like the old fellow mightily, and admire the little girl so much,
that, if you had not provided a better husband for her, I should have
been half tempted to have taken her myself; but since it is as it is,
we must do handsomely by her.
I told him I had enquired into the young man's circumstances, and found
that about a thousand pounds would set him forward extremely well, and
that this was the portion I intended to give him with the young
gentlewoman.
Well said he, I believe that will do; but I must make the poor thing a
present myself for wedding-trinkets. And the old man too, must we not
take care of him?
Dear Sir, said I, how good you are? You would remind me of my duty, if I
myself were forgetful of it. But I have already settled a hundred pounds
a year on him.
Is that enough, said he? will it make the good fellow easy?
Oh, Sir, it exceeds his wishes; he intends to live with his daughter, as
his growing infirmities require her tender care.
Every thing is to be this day settled. Mr Price is exceedingly pleased
with his son-in-law elect; and the wedding will be no longer delayed,
than till Mr Main receives the answer to those letters which he has
wrote to his friends in the country, to apprize them of his approaching
marriage.
_May 26_
I am sure my dear Cecilia will rejoice with her friend in the
acquisition she has received to her own happiness by conferring so much
on a worthy family. The bride is this day gone home to her own house;
her delighted father with her. Their prayers and blessings, poured out
from truly grateful and virtuous hearts, remain with me. A reward, my
dear, and a rich one too, for the self-satisfying part I have acted.
My worthy Patty, whose merit alone raises her much above her station, I
shall no longer consider as my servant. She has been my friend in the
tenderest and most enlarged sense of the word, and she shall continue
so. I have hired another maid to wait on me, and with a sort of merry
ceremony enfranchised Patty on the day of her brother's marriage; for I
had her dressed elegantly as bride's maid to her new sister, and she sat
on her right-hand at the wedding dinner. I look on her as my companion,
but I cannot persuade her to forget that I was her mistress. She shews
this by actions, not by words.
[Here follows an interval of thirteen months, in which nothing material
to the thread of the story occurs. The journal contains only a
continued series of such actions, as shewed the noble and pious use
which Mrs Arnold made of the great fortune which providence had blessed
her with. The rest is filled up with a variety of little incidents, many
of them relative to her brother and his lady, to Mr Warner, and several
letters from Lady V----, with whom she constantly corresponded. At the
end of that period the journal proceeds thus.]
_June 28, 1708_
And shall I really be so blessed, my ever beloved Cecilia, as to see you
at the time you mention? Oh, my dear, after an absence of five long
years, how my heart bounds with joy at your approach! The two months
that are to intervene before we meet will appear very tedious to me. But
it is always so with happiness, that is within our view. Before I
expected you, though I regretted your absence, yet did I patiently
acquiesce under it, and could entertain my thoughts with other objects;
but I am now, I cannot tell you how anxious and impatient to see you.
And yet, my Cecilia, we shall have nothing new to say to each other,
knowing as we both do every circumstance of each other's life since we
parted. Mine has been a strange one; but my lot is now fallen on a fair
ground, where, I hope it will please heaven to continue me whilst I am
to remain in this world. The noble, I may almost call it, princely
fortune that my kinsman has settled on me, will enable me to leave my
children greatly provided for, whenever it shall be God's pleasure to
call me away. Let me but live to embrace my Cecilia, and then,
providence, thy will be done!
_June 29_
Gracious God! for what I am yet reserved? My trembling hand can scarce
hold my pen, but I will try to tell you the event which yesterday
produced.
I was but just set down to dinner; nobody with me but Patty and my
children. A note was brought into me, which, they said came by a porter,
who waited for an answer. I opened and read it. My eyes were struck with
the unlooked for name of Orlando Faulkland at the bottom; the contents
filled me with terror and surprize. I know not what I have done with the
note, but he informed me in it that he was just arrived in town, and
begged I would appoint an hour that evening to see him alone, adding,
that his arrival was, and must be, a secret to every body but me.
Troubled and shocked as I was, I returned for answer, by the same
messenger, that I should expect him at six o'clock. I need not tell you
how I passed the interval 'till that hour. It was impossible for me,
amidst a thousand conjectures, to form one which could probably occasion
this amazing visit. So strangely introduced! so unthought of! and from
one I imagined to be in another kingdom.
Precisely at six o'clock, I heard a coach stop at the door; Patty was in
the way to receive him, and presently Mr Faulkland himself entered the
drawing-room. Distraction was in his looks! I rose to receive him, but
shook from head to foot; and I felt the blood forsaking my face. He ran
to me, as if with a design to salute me, but started back without making
the offer. I made a motion to a chair for him, and sat down myself, for
I was not able to stand. You are welcome to England, Sir, I am glad to
see you--scarce knowing what I said. I hope your lady is well? He looked
wildly, as if in horror at the question. Then suddenly catching both my
hands, he fell on his knees before me, his eyes fixed mournfully on my
face, and it was some time before he could answer.
I could not speak; I burst into tears:--there was something dreadful in
his silence. He kissed both my hands, but I withdrew them from him. Sir,
Sir, speak I conjure you. You shock me to death! I see I have, said he;
and I am afraid to proceed: you will die at the relation. For God's
sake, Sir, explain yourself.--
You see a man, said he, whose life is forfeited to the law--My wife is
dead--and by my hand--.
I don't know whether he said more, for I fainted away. It seems he did
not call for any help, but by his own endeavours at last brought me to
myself, and I found him weeping bitterly over me.
The sound of the last horrid words I had heard him speak still rung in
my ears. I begged him to explain them.
That wife, said he, that woman whom _you_ persuaded me to marry, I
caught in adultery, and I punished the villain who had wronged me with
death. She shared in his fate, though without my intending it. For this
act of justice, which the law will deem murder, I myself must die, and I
am come but to take a last look.--What recompence then can you make the
man, whom you have brought to misery, shame and death?
His looks, and the tone of voice with which he spoke this, made my blood
run cold, and my heart die within me.
I wrung my hands, and redoubling my tears, I do not need your
reproaches, said I, to make me the most miserable woman on earth--What
recompence indeed _can_ I make you--None, none, but to tell you that if
you will fly this instant, my fortune will be at your disposal, and I
will take care to supply you in what part soever of the world you shall
chuse for your residence.
And can you after all that is past, said he, persist in such barbarity
as to drive me from you? or are you determined to see me perish here? If
that be so, I will soon rid you of this miserable hated wretch.
He drew his sword like a madman, and with a dreadful imprecation, which
made me shudder, swore that if I did not that minute, promise to bear
him company in his flight, he would plunge it into his breast, and die
before my eyes.--Good God, what a scene of horror was this! I will, I
will, I cried, I will go with you to the farthest verge of the earth. I
catched his arm, fell down on my knees, and was more mad, if possible
than himself.
I begged of him to put up his sword, which he did, seeing me almost dead
with fear. You know, said he, the means of dying are always in my own
power; take care you do not trifle with me, nor plead in excuse for
falsifying your promise, that you made it to save me from immediate
destruction.
I beseeched him to calm himself a little, and to permit me to send for
my brother. Sir George you know has an intire affection for you, said I,
you may trust him with your life in safety.
I had forgot him, said he; poor Bidulph! he will be afflicted when he
hears my story.
I instantly wrote a line to my brother requesting to see him
immediately. By good fortune he was home, and came to me directly.
In the mean time, as I saw Mr Faulkland's mind was exceedingly
disturbed, I endeavoured, by giving him an account of my own situation,
to divert his thoughts from the trouble that preyed on them; for I was
apprehensive of his relapsing into the same phrenzy that had so much
terrified me, if I touched on the cause, and therefore chose to defer
enquiring into the particulars of his misfortune, till my brother should
be present.
Sir George was equally astonished with me at the sight of Mr Faulkland;
they embraced tenderly; poor Mr Faulkland wept upon my brother's neck.
It was easy to discover he laboured under some extraordinary affliction.
My brother looked at me as if for an explanation; he seemed to guess at
least part of the fatal truth. Are you come to England alone, Faulkland,
said he? I prevented the reply; he is alone, said I, he has a dreadful
story to relate to you. Mrs Faulkland is dead. I durst not ask the
manner of her death, till you were by, to calm the transports of your
friend.
My heart forebodes, answered my brother, addressing himself to Mr
Faulkland, that the ungrateful woman you married has betrayed you. She
did, replied Mr Faulkland, but I did not mean to stain my hands with her
blood, perfidious as she was; her death be on her own head.
Sir George looked astonished; that she is dead I rejoice said he, but
how my dear Faulkland, were you accessary to it?
We were that instant interrupted. Mr Warner passing by, called to ask me
how I did, and as my brother's chariot stood at the door, I could not be
denied to him, though I had ordered that nobody should be let in.
I was called down to him, and indeed was not sorry to have an excuse for
absenting myself a while, for my spirits were quite overpowered.
Mr Warner quickly observed that something extraordinary had happened,
and as he was already acquainted with the greatest part of Mr
Faulkland's history, some particulars relative to his wife excepted, I
made no scruple, relying on his prudence and secrecy, of telling him the
cause of my present distress; in which he seemed to take a friendly and
even paternal share.
When he was gone, I returned to the room where I had left my brother and
his friend. They both seemed in extreme agitation, they were walking
about.
This is an unfortunate affair, said my brother, and may be attended with
dreadful consequences, if Faulkland does not shew more regard to his own
safety, than he seems inclined to do. I have been persuading him to
retire to a place which I can provide for him, where he may lye
concealed for a day or two, till he is recovered from the fatigue of his
journey; for he has travelled night and day for these three days without
sleeping.
Sir George looked at me, and by a sorrowful sign which he made, I
apprehended he feared his unhappy friend's head was disturbed.
For heaven's sake, Sir, said I, be advised by my brother, who loves you;
suffer him to conduct you to some place of security; when you have had a
little repose we will both come to you, and concert such measures as
shall be best for your safety.
He snatched my hand, Sir George is my true friend, said he, take care
that you do not deceive me. I find myself giddy for want of rest. I am
satisfied to be disposed of for to-night how you please. But give me
your word of honour that I shall see you in the morning.
You shall indeed, Sir, I replied.
Depend upon it, answered Sir George, I'll bring her to you myself.
He looked irresolute, and as if he knew not what to say; then turning to
my brother, and leaning on his shoulder, Do, dear Bidulph, carry me to
some place where I may lie down, for my spirits can hold out no longer.
Come, said Sir George, taking him under the arm, my chariot is at the
door, I will bring you to a house where you may be quiet at home.
Mr Faulkland rivetted his eyes on me, as my brother led him out of the
room, but he did not speak.
Sir George whispered me that he would return again. They went into the
chariot together and drove away.
It was ten o'clock before my brother returned. He told me he had lodged
Mr Faulkland safely at a friend's house in whom he could confide, as he
did not think his own, in case of a search, a place of security.
He said he had seen him in bed, and hoped a little sleep would compose
his mind, which seemed very much disturbed. I requested my brother to
give me the particulars of that terrible affair, which Mr Faulkland had
mentioned. Sir George related to me what follows, though Mr Faulkland,
he said, told the story but incoherently.
Mr Faulkland said he had no reason to be displeased with his wife's
conduct for more than a year after their marriage; her affection for him
seemed lively and sincere; and he had made her the most grateful
returns, it being the study of his life to render her happy. Her love
abated not of its ardor, and he had all the reason in the world to
imagine himself intirely possessed of her heart.
Whilst Mr Faulkland's house in the country was building, he had been
invited by a neighbouring gentleman, who lived at the distance of about
three miles from his own place, to stay at his house; which obliging
offer Mr Faulkland had readily accepted, as by that means he had daily
opportunities of seeing, and expediting his own improvements.
Mr Bond (that was the gentleman's name) had a wife and two or three
daughters, all very agreeable women; with whom Mrs Faulkland had, by
living so much in their family, contracted a great intimacy; but
particularly with the eldest, a sprightly fine young woman, of about
twenty years old. They had been three or four months at Mr Bonds; their
house, which was nothing more than a little lodge, was finished; and
they only waited till it was thoroughly dry to remove into it, as Mr
Faulkland had laid out extensive gardens, in the finishing of which he
proposed to amuse himself some time; for he acknowleged to my brother,
he was in no haste to return to England.
During their residence with this gentleman, they had made two or three
excursions to town. On their return from one of these, after an absence
of about a fortnight, they found a visitor at Mr Bond's; his name was
Smyth; he was an officer, a genteel handsome man, and they were given to
understand he made his addresses to the eldest daughter; of whom he had
been an admirer a long time, but durst not make his pretensions known to
her father, till having lately been promoted in the army to the rank of
a major, the young lady's parents admitted his visits to their daughter.
She had long before that acknowleged to Mrs Faulkland in confidence, her
attachment to him. Mr Faulkland, who had learned this secret from his
wife, was very glad to find that Miss Bond, for whom he had great
esteem, was likely to have her wishes accomplished, as he saw that Major
Smyth was treated with distinction by her parents, who complimented him
with a bed at their house; for he generally staid two or three nights
with them, every time he paid them a visit, as his regiment was then
quartered at a town about fifteen miles distant from their house.
The Major, without being a man of very shining parts, had such talents
as made him acceptable to the women. He sung prettily, was lively to
extravagance, full of agreeable trifling, and always in good humour.
Miss Bond loved him; and as he was considered in the light of a person
who would shortly be one of the family. Mr Faulkland soon contracted a
friendship with him, which the Major on his part, seemed very solicitous
to improve.
The marriage was now agreed on, and was only deferred till the young
lady's brother should be at age, as he was to join with his father in
making a settlement on his sister. This desirable event was at the
distance of four months; but as the lover was in the mean time permitted
to enjoy so much of his mistress's conversation, he seemed to submit to
the delay with patience.
Things were in this situation, when Mr Faulkland, thinking it time to
remove to his own house, proposed it to his lady; but she objected to
it, declaring she did not think it safe, as the house had been so
lately built. Though indeed it was now perfectly well seasoned; for the
shell had been intirely finished some time before Mr Faulkland had gone
to Mr Bond's house, and it was only the inside work, and a kitchen that
was built apart from the lodge, that wanted to be completed. Mr
Faulkland was unwilling to oppose his lady in any thing; but he was the
more solicitous that she should comply with his request in this
particular, as he thought he had observed that the eldest Miss Bond,
had, of late, behaved with more coldness towards her than usual. Though
he was far from guessing the cause of this, he thought it, however, a
sufficient reason for their removal. He was afraid they had already
staid too long; and that, perhaps, notwithstanding the good nature and
hospitality of the family they all now secretly wished their absence.
This, though he intended to make a suitable return for their friendly
reception of him during so long a time, made him resolve not to continue
there; and the more so, as Miss Bond, who was present when he proposed
it to Mrs Faulkland, seemed to wish for their departure; as she
dissented from that lady with regard to her opinion of the state of the
new house, and seemed to think there could no danger attend their
immediate entrance into it. Mrs Faulkland seemed nettled at this, and
immediately assented to her husband's proposal; the next day they took
their leave of Mr Bond's family, and repaired to their own house.
Mr Faulkland, from this period, remarked a change in his wife's
behaviour; she grew melancholy and peevish; but as she complained of not
being well, he imputed the alteration in her temper to that alone; and
the more so, as she did not abate in the tokens of her seeming affection
for him.
Mr Bond's family frequently visited them; Major Smyth always made one of
the party, and often came without them. Though they lived but at the
distance of three miles from each other, yet as the road for carriages
between the two houses, being a-cross one, was very bad, the ladies were
often prevailed on, if they staid late, to lye a night at Mr
Faulkland's, and in consequence of this, Mr Bond and the Major had
frequently done the same when they were of the party.
Though Mr Faulkland was far from having any injurious suspicion of his
wife, he could not help observing that all her complaints vanished,
whenever this family were at her house. This, however, he ascribed to
nothing more than her being fond of the company, though he thought a
coolness between her, and the eldest Miss Bond, was still apparent. The
principals of the family, however, behaved with their usual frankness
and good-humour, and Mr Faulkland thought there might be some little
female pique between the two ladies, which was not worth enquiring into.
As they punctually returned the friendly visits of these agreeable
neighbours, Mrs Faulkland always proposed passing the night there, to
induce them, as she said, to use the same obliging freedom at her house.
Mr Faulkland, on those occasions observed, that his lady always rose
much earlier than usual, but unsuspecting as he was, he was satisfied
with the reason she assigned for it, that of enjoying the pleasant hours
of the morning in a very delicious garden; a pleasure which they could
not have at home, as Mr Faulkland's improvements were only in their
infancy.
The mutual intercourse between the two families was thus carried on for
more than three months, when the time drew near, that Miss Bond and her
lover were to be united, and every thing was preparing for the purpose.
The young Mr Bond was come home from the college, and the house on this
occasion was more chearful than ever. Mr Faulkland and his lady were
there at a ball one night, when the latter, after dancing a long time,
complained suddenly of being violently ill and either really did, or
pretended to, faint. She was immediately conveyed to bed, and, at her
request, another room prepared for Mr Faulkland. He, extremely alarmed
at her indisposition, came to her bed-side, purposing to sit up by her
the whole night; the youngest of the Miss Bond's offering to do the
same, but Mrs Faulkland absolutely refused them both, and about
midnight, saying she found herself inclined to sleep, insisted on their
retiring; nor would she admit a servant to stay in the room, but
contented herself with having a candle burning on the hearth.
Mr Faulkland, who really had an affection for his lady, was impatient
the next morning to enquire after her health; he found her in bed, the
complaints of the preceding night all renewed.
The family were extremely disconcerted at this unlucky accident, and
expresed the utmost uneasiness, all but the eldest Miss Bond, who was
silent; and heard her mother and sisters condoling with Mr Faulkland,
not only with unconcern, but a suppressed smile of contempt, which did
not escape Mr Faulkland's observation. He now began to resent such a
behaviour, which he thought very unkind; and told his lady he wished she
was in a condition to be removed, as he was fearful in her present
situation it might be very inconvenient to the family to have her remain
sick in their house; especially as it quite broke in on the mirth and
festivity which were now going forward.
To this she replied, that she found herself so weak and dispirited,
which she said was always the consequence of those faintings, to which
she had been subject from her childhood, that she could not think of
leaving her room. She made a shift, however, to rise, and said she hoped
in a day or two to be able to remove.
Mrs Bond, who was of an extremely humane and tender disposition, begged
of her not to think of stirring till she found her health perfectly
re-established: Mrs Faulkland thankfully accepted her offer, and Mr
Faulkland, though reluctantly, was obliged to acquiesce.
They remained thus two days longer, Mrs Faulkland's complaints still
furnishing her with a pretence for sleeping alone; and, under colour of
not giving trouble in the family, she would not suffer a maid to sit up
with her.
Major Smyth, who had been in the house all this time, had now some call
to his regiment, which obliged him to go to the town where it lay, and
Mr Faulkland heard him give his man directions for their journey.
Mrs Faulkland still kept her room, and had not left it since the time
she was first taken ill. It happened that the chamber which was assigned
for Mr Faulkland, immediately joined his lady's, and was only separated
from it by a wainscot partition, by which means he could hear the least
stir in her chamber.
The unsuspecting injured husband, whose anxiety for his faithless wife
had always made him watchful and attentive to her motions, happened this
night to be more than ordinarily so. The family had now been for some
hours buried in sleep; every thing was profoundly silent for some time.
Mr Faulkland, who hoped his lady was settled to rest, was endeavouring
to compose himself to sleep, when he heard her stir. This immediately
roused him, and raising his head off the pillow, he found she got out of
bed. Though she seemed to use the utmost precaution, he nevertheless
heard her very distinctly open her door, and go out. Surprized as he was
at this motion, no other thought occurred to him, than that perhaps Mrs
Faulkland, finding herself ill, had got up to call some of the female
servants. Prepossessed with this belief, he started out of bed, and
hastily slipping on his clothes, ran into his lady's room, where he
found her candle still burning.
As he concluded she would presently return, he waited some minutes in
her chamber; at length, perceiving her clothes lying on a chair at her
bed-side, he was afraid she had gone out without putting any thing on
her, and though the night was not cold, he was apprehensive, that in her
apparently weak condition, her health might be farther injured.
On this account, he determined to go in quest of her; and concluding she
had gone to the apartment of the female servants, which was on the floor
over that on which they lay, he ascended the stairs as silently as
possibly.
As he was passing by a room on the top of the first flight, he heard
some one speak in a low voice, and listning, fancied it was his wife's.
As he knew not who lay in that room, he made no doubt but that it was
she, who was calling the person that slept there; and, without farther
reflection, hastily opened the door, and went in, with the candle, which
he had taken in his hand. On his sudden entrance, the person, who was in
bed, eagerly called out, Who is there? He soon perceived by his voice,
that it was Major Smyth. He was about to make an apology for his
intrusion, when he perceiving his lady's wrapping gown, which he had
seen her wear that morning, lying on the floor, and in the same instant
recollecting that he had heard a woman's voice when he was without-side
the door, the horror of her guilt rushed upon him at once, and without
making any answer to the major, he suddenly drew back the feet curtains
of the bed, where he plainly perceived that the major had a companion,
though she had hid her head under the clothes.
The major instantly leaped out of bed, and though he saw Mr Faulkland
was unarmed, he snatched up one of his own pistols, which lay on the
table, and which his man had charged that night, as they were to go a
short journey the next morning. Mr Faulkland, in the first transports of
his rage, seized the other; the miserable woman, observing their fatal
motions, threw herself out of bed. Mr Faulkland was too much distracted
to be able to give a distinct account of this dreadful incident; all he
can say is, that Major Smyth snapped his pistol at him, which, he
thinks, missed fire, and he instantly discharged his with more fatal
success; for Mrs Faulkland, who had in the instant rushed between them
shrieked out, and dropped on the ground; and the major reeling a few
steps, fell against one of the pillars of the bed, and cried out, He has
killed us both.
Mr Faulkland says, that, after this dreadful action, without knowing
what he did, he ran down stairs, and opening the front door, made the
best of his way home on foot. The phrenzy of his mind was such that he
thought not of providing for his safety; but having got into his house,
he had no intention of going farther, when, in less than a quarter of an
hour, one of his servants, whom he had left behind him at Mr Bond's, a
faithful fellow, who had lived with him many years, came to him, scared
and breathless, having ran himself almost dead to overtake his master.
Oh, Sir, said he, for heaven's sake, get away as fast as you can: Mr
Bond's family are all in an uproar; you will be taken, if you do not
make your escape this instant.
Have I killed any body? demanded Mr Faulkland.
Oh, Sir, answered the man, you have killed my lady, and Major Smyth is
mortally wounded.
I know not what I did, cried Mr Faulkland, but I did not mean to hurt
your mistress.
I believe it, Sir, replied the servant, but I fear nobody else will, for
that wicked wretch, though they think he cannot live many hours, would
take away your life if he could. The report of the pistol alarmed the
family, and we all ran into his room, gentry and servants and all; the
major was able to speak, but my lady was quite dead.
The account he gives is, that my lady's candle having gone out she got
up to get it lighted, and was endeavouring to find one of the maid's
rooms, when passing by his, and seeing a light, for he was but just got
into bed, she stepped in; and before she had time to retire again, you
rushed in like a madman; and seeing his pistols lie on the table, you
snatched them both up, and discharged one at your lady, which killed her
on the spot, you fired the other at him, while he was leaping out of
bed. I am sure, Sir, this is a false story, yet, as the family may all
believe it, I beg you on my knees, to provide for your safety. Miss Bond
was tearing her hair for her lover; but I heard her say, she was glad
that wicked woman (meaning my lady) had lost her life.
They had sent off some of the people for a surgeon, and I ran as fast as
I could to warn you of your dangers.
This honest fellow, not contented with urging his master, soon saddled a
very swift hunter, which he had in the stable; and Mr Faulkland, now
convinced of the necessity of flying, mounted it directly, and, attended
only by one groom, galloped off to Dublin, which he reached by seven
o'clock in the morning, and was lucky enough to arrive just as a packet,
which was going off with an express was ready to sail. He went on
board, and landed at Holly-head in twelve hours, from thence, without
stopping night or day, except to change horses, he rode post to London,
and presented himself, in the manner I have already told you, before me.
* * * * *
Such, my Cecilia, are the dismal particulars of this sad story. My
brother staid with me 'till it was very late; our time was past in
consulting on measures for Mr Faulkland's preservation. He said, he
would advise him, by all means, to get over to Holland as fast as he
could; for if that story, which the execrable Smyth had invented, should
be believed, and it was very likely to gain credit in case he died of
his wound, and persevered in it to the last, Mr Faulkland, having no
witness to disprove any part of the charge, would be in imminent danger
of losing his life.
I need not describe to you the horror in which I passed last night. I
rose this morning at day-light, and was but just dressed, when I was
informed Mr Warner wanted to speak to me. I went down stairs to him
directly.
I could not sleep all night for thinking of your affairs, said he,
without any previous salute; and I am so impatient to hear Faulkland's
story, that I could not rest 'till I came to you to be informed of it,
for I suppose you heard every thing last night.
I related all the particulars minutely as I have done to you, Mr Warner
never once interrupting me. When I had ended the story, what do you
intend for Faulkland, said my kinsman? I know not what to do, Sir, I
replied; but this I am sure of, that if it were in the power of wealth
to relieve his afflicted mind, he has an undoubted right to a large
portion of the fortune I possess; this I think myself bound to bestow on
the man, who, when I was destitute, offered me his. If we can prevail on
him to take care of his own safety, which, when he is a little more
collected, I hope we shall be able to do, I must entreat your
assistance, Sir, in helping me to make him as easy as his unhappy
circumstances will admit of.--And is this _all_, demanded Mr Warner
sternly? Does not your gratitude suggest a warmer recompence than giving
him a paultry income?
I was startled at the question, and not replying immediately, You must
marry him, said he in a peremptory tone; there is nothing now to hinder
you; the heavy misfortune which has fallen upon him, puts it in your
power to make him such a return as his prosperous days would not have
allowed you. You can confer an obligation on him now; so _that_ scruple
is rubbed out. As for any former idle aspersions, you have already done
more than enough to convince the world they were without foundation. I
could wish indeed that Jezebel of a wife had been cut off in the common
way; but since he was guiltless in his intentions, it would be barbarous
to make _that_ an objection, and I dare answer for it, all mankind will
acquit him, though the law perhaps may not, of that scoundrel's death,
who so well deserved it at his hands.
I told Mr Warner, that though Mr Faulkland had proposed something like
this, I was sure it was owing to his distracted mind, for that he had at
first declared he only came to take a last look at me, and that I hoped,
when he came to the cool use of his reason, he would be far from urging
such a request--The more are you bound then, said he, interrupting me,
to deal generously by him.--What does your brother say upon the subject?
He has not touched upon it, I replied, I was so taken up with hearing Mr
Faulkland's melancholy story from my brother, that I mentioned not to
him his wild proposal; and as Sir George told me Mr Faulkland was much
more composed when he left him to his rest, I presume he hinted nothing
of that kind to my brother.
Ay, ay, cried Mr Warner, Sir George to be sure will change his note. Mr
Faulkland is now a fallen man, therefore depend on it he will not be for
your marrying him; but for this very reason, I insist on your doing a
noble thing. If you have a grain of honour, or of gratitude in you, you
will not hesitate a moment. I will not desire you, continued he, finding
me silent, to carry your gratitude so far as to marry a madman, if he
should prove to be so; but if on your visit to him this morning, you
find him composed, and in his right mind, make him a frank offer of your
hand, and see you do it handsomely; consult not George, upon the
subject, I will have it all _my_ doing. Go, added he, if I did not know
that at the bottom of your heart you _love_ Faulkland, I would not make
this a point with you; but notwithstanding all your pretended demurs I
am sure that is the case.
I should be disingenuous to deny it, answered I; far from doing so, I
will own that I should prefer him before all the world, if the
strangeness of his present situation did not frighten me. Trouble not
your head about that, cried Mr Warner, if the man is in his senses, do
as I bid you, and take care that you acquit yourself with honour.
He left me without waiting for a reply. What can I say or do, my
Cecilia? My heart and my reason are at variance. What a strange dilemma
am I driven to? nobody to advise me. Mr Warner, precipitate and fanciful
in his determinations, urges me on to I know not what. Marry Mr
Faulkland! receive a hand stained with--Oh the very thought is terrible!
What would the world say to such an union? It cannot be. He will not
sure when he comes to the use of his cooler reason insist upon a
promise, which my own terror, and his desperation, extorted from me.
I must try to convince Mr Warner's judgment? I hope he will not
obstinately persist in pressing me to what I dare not comply with.... My
brother is just come to carry me to Mr Faulkland. Heaven grant I may
find him restored to his right mind!... Just returned from my visit to
Mr Faulkland. What a scene! He wrung my very heart. I would I had never
seen him.
We found him up, and walking about his room; his looks much more
composed than they were last night.
On our entering his chamber, his eyes sparkled with pleasure. He ran to
my brother, and embraced him. Thank you my dear, dear Bidulph, said he,
you at length give her to me, and with her own consent too. My bride!
turning passionately to me, and snatching my hand.
My brother seemed shocked, and cast his eyes mournfully at me: mine
moistened, and I was obliged to apply my handkerchief to them, turning
my head away.
Tears! cried Mr Faulkland, in a tone of surprize, and on our
wedding-day! I could not bear this, I sobbed aloud. My brother was
willing, if possible, to give his thoughts another turn, for not knowing
what had passed the day before, he thought this was some sudden start of
phrenzy.
My dear Faulkland, said he, you affect my Sister too much; we have been
consulting for your safety, and came to talk with you upon it.
I think there is no time to be lost, and that you ought immediately to
retire into Holland.
I am ready, said Mr Faulkland, but Mrs Arnold goes with me, I have her
promise for it.
Sidney shall follow you, answered my brother, making a motion to me to
shew he would have me humour him in his ravings. I will not go without
her, cried Mr Faulkland; the universe shall not now part us.
I was almost distracted with apprehension, and knew not what reply to
make; my brother looked confounded, and was silent.
Mr Faulkland approached me, and with a look of gloomy despair, You are
both mute, said he; Bidulph, I always thought _you_ loved me. Mrs Arnold
I hoped did not wish my death; but I am deceived in you both--I have no
farther business with life--The friend I most confided in betrays me;
the woman whom my soul worships, and to whom I sacrificed all my hopes
of happiness, repays me with ingratitude. Why should such a wretch any
longer submit to life? I have borne it too long already; but there's my
remedy, pointing furiously to his sword, which lay in the scabbard on a
table.
I could no longer contain myself, but bursting into tears, Oh, Sir, said
I, accuse me not of ingratitude; I would to heaven _my_ death could
repair the heavy afflictions I have brought upon you; if it could, I
would welcome it this hour. Your reproaches, cruel as they are, I
forgive. I own myself the unhappy cause of all your misfortunes; we have
been mutually fatal to each other. You know I always valued and esteemed
you, and have in your calamity already been sufficiently punished for
the share I have had in bringing it on you. What shall I say to you,
Sir? My whole fortune I think too small, too poor a recompence, to the
man who has obliged me beyond a possibility of return. Yet what have I
to offer more? Can you, Sir, can you urge me to a marriage at so strange
a juncture? Think how it will expose us both to censure. Your long
attachment to me has not been a secret. Think what dreadful
constructions may be put on _your_ conduct, nay, on _mine_, should a
union now take place, brought about, as it must appear, by so terrible
an event.
Mr Faulkland was silent, his eyes fixed on the ground. My brother took
up the argument. Indeed, my dear Faulkland, my sister has reason for her
fears. You know I ever was your sincere friend; you know too I always
was of opinion that Sidney ought to have been your wife; her former
objections I thought were romantic scruples, and hardly forgave her
refusing you. The present obstacle has more weight in it--Do not mistake
me, added he hastily (seeing Mr Faulkland raise his eyes full of
resentment at him) I wish my sister still to be yours, and will consent
to your marriage with my whole heart; but let me conjure you to take a
more favourable juncture; withdraw yourself but for the present; your
affairs may not be so desperate as you imagine. If that villain Smyth
should chance to recover, perhaps his conscience may awaken remorse, and
he may be prevailed on to do you justice. In that case you must be
cleared from the most distant imputation of what my sister hinted at,
and what has but too justly alarmed her. Cleared as your character will
then be, and conscious as we both are of the innocence of your
intentions there will remain no bar to Mrs Arnold's giving you her hand.
Smyth _cannot_ recover, interrupted Mr Faulkland, suddenly--there is no
hope can spring from that. Then answered my brother, at worst you can
but live abroad; all parts of the world are alike to such a philosopher
as my sister is; and probably, circumstanced as your marriage will
appear, she may like best to reside out of England.--
Mr Faulkland shook his head, and with a smile of indignation, Leave me,
Bidulph, cried he, I cannot bear _your_ attempting to deceive me. You
think me mad, and are cruel enough to endeavour at imposing on me--I
know my mind is disturbed--but who has driven me to despair! to madness!
to death! and he cast a look at me that chilled my blood.
Be satisfied, Madam, you shall soon be rid of this
fatal--hated--betrayed--abandoned wretch! he spoke this with his hands
grasped eagerly together, and his eyes lifted up to heaven. Then
striking his breast, he burst into tears, and rushing suddenly into his
closet, he shut the door violently, locking it on the inside.
He wept aloud, and his agonies reduced me almost to the same condition
with himself.
I begged my brother would endeavour to prevail on him to open the door,
for I was fearful of his making some dreadful attempt upon his own life;
but Sir George a little quieted my fears, by shewing me his sword, which
still lay on the table, and which, at my desire, he put out of the way.
My brother approached the closet door, and in the most soothing language
beseeched him to open it; but he could get no other answer from Mr
Faulkland than to beg he would leave him to himself.
I found this was not a time for arguing. I told my brother, we had
better suffer him to vent his passion alone, and that, perhaps, when he
had time to reflect a little on what had been said, he would permit his
cooler reason to govern him.
Sir George was very unwilling to leave him in such a distracted state of
mind; he renewed his efforts to persuade him to come out of the closet,
but to no purpose.
I beseech you to leave me, Sir George, said he, I am not in a condition
to talk--I cannot bear the sight of Mrs Arnold--let me recover
myself--another time perhaps I may be better able to discourse with
you.
Will you promise me then, replied my brother, that you will in the
interim do nothing that may be injurious to your life or health? Indeed,
my dear Faulkland, you distress my sister and me more than you can
imagine. Name the hour when you will permit me to come to you again; and
for heaven's sake think of your own immediate preservation: _that_ once
secured, there is nothing which my sister and I will not afterwards do
to make you happy--Can I rely on you, Faulkland? do you promise me not
to be rash? You have my sword in your possession, answered Mr Faulkland,
(still speaking within the closet) I have no other weapon about
me--leave me, Sir George--I cannot talk.
Say but that you wish to see me again, replied my brother, and I will
go, and give you no further trouble. Mr Faulkland sighed deeply. Say, I
wish to see you! he repeated, ah, Bidulph! and his voice seemed choaked.
My brother could not refrain from tears. I will come to you in the
evening, Faulkland--You will find me your true friend.--I should be
loath to lay you under any restraint here, in the house of my friend; do
but say there is no need of it. Promise me--the slightest word will
suffice. I know my dear Faulkland will not break his word.
Well--I will not attempt my life, cried he impatiently, let that satisfy
you--leave me, and let me not be exposed to any insults here.
I leave you, answered my brother, and hope to find you more composed a
few hours hence. Mrs Arnold too begs you will be calm, and think of
preserving a life which is so dear to us both.
Mr Faulkland was silent, and my brother and I withdrew; he thought it
best I should not speak to him.
Sir George left me at home, and said he would call again on Mr Faulkland
in the afternoon, and bring me word how he should find him. My brother
is exceedingly affected with his situation, and says he knows not what
to advise. He is fearful that Mr Faulkland's phrenzy is not to be
calmed, but by consenting to marry him, and circumstanced as he now is,
that thought is terrible. Yet, if I persist in my refusal, I drive the
noblest of minds to desperation. Oh, my Cecilia, is this the return I
ought to make to the most generous of men? whose fervent love for me has
been a constant source of torment to him for so many years! Yet how can
I yield him my hand? All my former scruples, weighty as they appeared to
me, were light to the dreadful bar that now interposes.
Had that ill-fated woman died the common way, with what joy, what
exultation could I have rewarded his honest persevering love! all my
duties fulfilled, obedience to my mother, justice to the woman I thought
injured, reverence to the memory of my husband, the respect due to my
own character. Should I not, my Cecilia, after thus being acquitted of
all other obligations, have been to blame, if, after a series of
misfortunes, all brought on by my strict adherence to those duties;
should I not have been to blame for refusing at length to do justice to
the most deserving of men? When I reflect on the past, when I survey the
present, and my foreboding heart whispers to me the future sufferings of
our dear unhappy Mr Faulkland, all my philosophy forsakes me. I have
borne up under my own sorrows--his quite subdue me--I must lay by my
pen--my eyes are brimful of tears.... Ah, my dear, what will become of
us? I am almost dead with apprehension. Rash, rash, unhappy Mr
Faulkland! He has fled from the house where my brother had concealed
him: I know not what I am writing, my fears distract me. 'Tis but two
hours since we left him, Sir George relying on his promise, and
unwilling to provoke him by any appearance of constraint, gave no
caution to the gentleman with whom he was lodged to observe his motions;
he is ready to kill himself for this neglect; but relying on Mr
Faulkland's promise not to make any attempt on his life, he suspected
not that he would endeavour to escape. Escape do I call it? rather let
me say, to throw himself into certain destruction.--He is set out on his
way for Ireland. Heaven knows what will be the consequence of this, if
my brother does not overtake and persuade him back. He is gone after
him, my cousin Warner with him; both rode post.
My thoughts are so confused, I can put nothing in order. It seems we had
not long quitted him, when he called up his servant (that groom who, as
I informed you, had come over with him) and telling him he was going out
of town ordered him to go directly to an inn somewhere in the city, and
hire two post-horses, and that he would follow him presently.
The man obeyed, and in about half an hour, his master came in a
hackney-coach to the place where he had directed him to wait for him.
Upon the inn-keeper's enquiring whither the horses were to go, Mr
Faulkland replied, to St Alban's. The man objected to the length of the
stage, and named Barnet. Mr Faulkland seemed impatient and angry; his
unusual earnestness, his wild looks, and the road he purposed taking,
alarmed his servant (a discreet elderly man) and he had the prudence
immediately to dispatch the master of the house, whom he prevailed on by
a piece of money, to go directly to my brother with this intelligence.
He had the precaution not to mention his master's name, only bade him
find out Sir George Bidulph, and tell him that his friend was set out
for St Alban's, and that his man had dispatched him with the news, and
would, if possible, endeavour to detain him on the road, that Sir George
might overtake him.
The man was punctual in delivering his message. My brother, wild with
amazement and horror, just called as he past my door, to tell me this
new and unexpected misfortune. Mr Warner had that instant come to
enquire what had past between Mr Faulkland and me in our interview this
morning. I had no time to tell him any thing. He looked very much
displeased at my brother and me, upon hearing Mr Faulkland was gone; but
said he would accompany Sir George, and they both hurried away together.
The man said, Mr Faulkland had set off before he could leave his house,
the servant having scarce time to give him the message.
I fear it will be impossible for my brother to overtake him--He will be
lost forever--what then will be my portion? Happy had it been for me
indeed, as my dear mother once said in the bitterness of her heart, that
I had died in my cradle!
_Tuesday-night twelve o'clock_
Heaven be praised, they are returned! _All_ returned; Mr Faulkland has
been prevailed on to come back, Mr Warner has prevailed on him. He has
saved his life; but, my Cecilia, thy friend's temporal happiness, and
peace of mind, is the only price that could ransom this desperate
self-devoted victim!
Mr Warner has bound himself by a solemn oath that I should become his
wife, or Mr Faulkland, determined on his own destruction, would, spite
of all they could do, have pursued his fatal journey to Ireland, in
order to deliver himself up to justice.
It was near ten o'clock before they returned to town. My brother carried
Mr Faulkland back to the gentleman's house, where he was before lodged;
and my kinsman left them together, in order to come and give me an
account of what passed.
He said the gentleman, at whose house he was lodged by my brother was
extreamly surprized at seeing him again, Mr Faulkland having with great
composure taken his leave of him in the morning; and after thanking him
for the shelter he had afforded him, told him he was going out of town.
My brother and my kinsman overtook him above a mile on this side St
Alban's, for which success they were intirely indebted to the prudence
of the servant who attended him: For the poor man, finding himself
pushing on with the utmost eagerness, and Mr Faulkland no longer making
a secret of this intention of returning to Ireland; resolved at all
events to prevent his ruin; and hoping that by a little delay, Sir
George might overtake them, contrived at their first stage so
dexterously to slip a nail in between the horse's shoe and his hoof,
that he knew he could not go far without being lame.
This succeeded so well, that the poor animal was soon disabled, and Mr
Faulkland not having it in his power to mount himself better, was
obliged to go on at a very easy rate 'till they arrived at the next
stage.
Mr Warner and my brother overtook him in this situation: Sir George knew
him as soon as they came in sight of him, and followed him at a proper
distance, still keeping him in view, 'till he lighted at the post-house.
They then at once entered the room, into which he had retired, whilst
fresh horses were getting ready.
Mr Faulkland started at the sight of my brother; he looked earnestly at
Mr Warner, whom he had never seen before; but spoke not to either of
them.
Sir George, pursued my kinsman, accosted him affectionately: Dear
Faulkland, was this kind of you, thus to fly from your friends that love
you? He presented me to him at the same, naming me as his relation.
Mr Faulkland grasped the hand, which I reached out in salutation to him;
he fixed his fine sparkling eyes on my face: Is it Mr Warner whom I have
the honour to salute? Sir, I am no stranger to your worth: I honour, I
revere you. You are too good to interest yourself thus for an unhappy
wretch, cast off, and forsaken by all the world.
Do I forsake you, Faulkland, cried your brother, kindly enough? No,
Faulkland, I am your constant sincere friend, and will prove myself so,
if you will but let me. Mr Faulkland made no reply.
Dear Faulkland, am I not your friend? You are Mrs Arnold's brother.--You
are not the man you were. Indeed Faulkland, I am; I am your true friend;
suffer me to be so, come back with me; Mr Warner and I have followed
you, in the hope of prevailing on you to return with us; do, Faulkland,
let us persuade you to preserve a life so dear to us all.
What am I to live for, answered Mr Faulkland sternly? _You_ have tried
to deceive me; the man I loved most, now I am fallen, rejects me. Your
sister persists in her obstinate cruelty towards me; she breaks her
promise, and you encourage her in it. I have neither friends, fortune,
or country! and do you talk to me of life on _such_ conditions? No,
Bidulph, it is a burden of which I will rid myself--Mr Warner, _you_ are
a generous man, _you_ have an enlarged mind; may a stranger ask a favour
of you?
I could have wept, continued my kinsman, to see such a frank noble
fellow driven to such desperation. Command me, Sir, I replied, there is
nothing I would not do to serve you.
I thank you, Sir; I have a little son; let me recommend the unhappy
orphan to your protection. He will soon want a father: will you be one
to him, Sir? I will send him over to you; he laid hold of my hand, and
repeated his question, Will you Mr Warner? _You_ have an enlarged mind,
and do not despise the unfortunate.
I cried downright; he touched me to the very quick. I never was so
affected in my life; and I own I was heartily displeased both with you
and your brother, for driving him to such extremities: _You_ especially,
on whom I laid injunctions to act in a contrary way. As for Sir George,
I am not surprized at _his_ behaviour.
From Mr Faulkland's discourse, proceeded my kinsman, it was apparent to
me, that his distraction proceeded from no other cause, than his belief
that you and your brother slighted him in his misfortunes. It was plain
when he fled to England, that he was sufficiently in his senses to be
anxious for his own safety; and though the sight of you, joined to the
hurry of his spirits, his fatigue, and want of sleep, might, in a man of
such violent passions, have created a temporary phrenzy, yet I am very
certain it would all have subsided, if you had behaved to him as you
ought to have done, and as I desired you would: nor do I see how you can
answer it to yourself, after the miseries you have already brought on
such a glorious man (for I never saw his equal either in mind or person)
to persist in a behaviour which has already turned his brain, and must
in the end occasion his death: for death he is determined on, if you
refuse to become his wife.
Oh, Sir, cried I, leave him not to himself, I conjure you; you see the
influence you have over his mind; you have done wonders in bringing him
back.--
Hold, replied Mr Warner, till I inform you of the means I was obliged to
use.
I have told you how I was affected with his situation, and the request
he made me to take care of his child. This was not the suggestion of
madness; it was plain to me, that if the cause were removed, he would
soon be restored to the perfect use of his reason, and I could not bear
to see the desolation of such a noble frame, and all charged to your
account.
Sir, I hope you do not mean, said I, to return to Ireland, do you not
know the risque that you run by putting yourself into the power of an
exasperated family from whom you can expect nothing but the most
malevolent persecution?
I deliver myself up to the laws, replied Mr Faulkland; my life is
devoted, 'tis indifferent to me how I die.
Suppose, said I, Mrs Arnold should consent to marry you, would not that
reconcile you to life?
Oh, Sir, and he shook his head, I am not to be deceived _twice_. (Your
brother walked about the room without taking part in the conversation.)
I do not mean it, Sir, Mrs Arnold must be yours; _I_ can influence her;
do but return back with me, I give you my honour I will do my utmost to
prevail on her to give you her hand immediately. Her heart is hardened,
Sir, she will not consent, replied he. I have no friend to urge her, I
am an outcast, and not fit to live--_I_ will urge her, Sir, she respects
me, she will be guided by me; she shall fulfil the promise she made
you--Oh, Sir, you but deceive yourself--she will find out new excuses, I
am not to be again allured by false hopes.
He stepped towards the door as he spoke these words, and was about to
open it. Your brother followed, and laid hold of his arm; I did the
same. Sir George, said he, expose me not to insults, why do you
persecute me? Leave me, Sir, I am _not_ a madman--but I am
_determined_--and he spoke as if he were _indeed_ so.
For heaven's sake, Faulkland, said your brother, be composed: You have
Mr Warner's word of honour; you shall have mine too, that we will do our
utmost to persuade Mrs Arnold to consent to your wishes. You have _my_
full consent, you have won Mr Warner to your interest, my sister will
yield to our joint entreaties. _Yield_, he repeated, no, no, Sir George,
she has a stubborn heart. I once thought it otherwise; but it is turned
to stone, nothing but my death will satisfy, her, and she _shall_ be
satisfied.
He made an effort to break from us. Stay Mr Faulkland, said I, again
laying hold of his hand, and I here swear to you by every thing that is
sacred, that if you will suffer me to conduct you back into Mrs Arnold's
presence, I will insist on her immediately accepting of you for her
husband, or I will for ever renounce all friendship with her: I know she
esteems and values you above all men, I am therefore sure, I do no
violence to her inclinations; and if she perseveres in her obstinate
punctilios, I swear to you by the same oath, that I will no longer
oppose you in your resolutions, let them be what they will.
Sir George, added I, Do you join with me in giving your friend the same
assurances? I do, answered he, solemnly addressing himself to Mr
Faulkland, and swear by all my hopes of happiness hereafter, to act in
conjunction with Mr Warner in every particular that he has promised.
Mr Faulkland seemed to be moved, he looked whistfully at us by turns, as
if willing, though afraid, to yield to our entreaties.
At length, I _think_ I may rely on you, said he, you will not break an
oath (to Sir George) but that woman has such an _inflexible_ heart! you
cannot change _that_.
We will do our utmost, we both answered together. Remember, then, said
he, stretching out a hand to each of us, you have sworn, if she persists
in her resolution, that you will leave me to myself, and oppose me no
longer. We have. I will go back with you then cried Mr Faulkland, and
stepped again nimbly to the door.
It will be best, said I, if we can hire a coach to carry us; there is no
necessity for our riding post, and we shall be less liable to
observation than if we were on horse-back. Mr Faulkland looked as if he
suspected some design; do you not mean, said he, to go directly back to
London? Certainly, I replied. And shall I see Mrs Arnold to-night?
Without doubt, if you desire it. Let us go then, said he; I think a
coach is a tedious way of travelling, but I submit to _your_ guidance.
I left Sir George with him, and went out to enquire whether we could be
provided with a coach and four; which after some delay was procured for
us. We prevailed on Mr Faulkland, whilst it was getting ready, to take a
little refreshment. He asked us, by what means we were informed of his
departure.
Sir George, unwilling to let him know that his servant had discovered
it, evaded the question; and only replied, Do you think, Faulkland, that
in the humour I left you, I could be inattentive to your motions? I am
not a madman, Bidulph, I must not be treated like one. I do not think
you one, answered your brother, but I know you are warm, and too
fearless of danger.
When the coach was ready, Mr Faulkland very willingly got into it with
us. He spoke but little, and appeared very thoughtful during our
journey.
The coachman stopped at an inn, after we had driven about fifteen miles,
to bate his horses for a while. He seemed startled at it, and said he
would not alight. We told him there was no occasion, but your brother
and I chose to go into the house, that he might not think we watched
him. He seemed pleased at this, and smiled when we set forward again,
but did not speak.
When we arrived in London, Now, Sir, said I, we will, if you please, go
directly to Mrs Arnold's house. As I am sure your absenting yourself in
the manner you did, exceedingly afflicted her, so am I certain your
return will give her sincere joy. I am ready therefore to attend you
immediately to her; but if I may advise you, I think it were better that
I should first see and talk to her. It will be proper to prepare her, by
giving her at least one night to reflect on the important event, which I
expect will take place to-morrow. Sir George, what are your sentiments?
I am of your mind, replied your brother?; I think my sister ought by all
means to have so much time given her for recollection. If Faulkland has
no objection to it, we will go to my friend's house, where he was
before. When you have seen my sister you may come to us there with her
determination.
I have submitted myself for the present, answered Mr Faulkland, to your
guidance. To-morrow remember I am to be at liberty. Bidulph, beware how
you watch my motions again.
Your brother then directed the coachman to his friend's house, Mr
Faulkland not opposing the motion. I went in for a few minutes merely to
satisfy myself in what manner Mr Faulkland had escaped from thence in
order to inform you.
Mr Faulkland was very urgent with me to go to you. Keep me not long in
suspence, Sir, said he, I may as well know my fate to-night, as
to-morrow.
I left him with a promise to return with your final answer. You know
_my_ sentiments, you know your brother's, and it rests on you to
pronounce sentence of life or death (for your answer imports no less) on
a man who is worthy of the greatest queen in the universe. What do you
say, Mrs Arnold, must Faulkland die?
Heaven forbid, cried I, no, Sir; I should be inflexible _indeed_, if,
after what you have told me, I were any longer to resist. I yield, Sir,
to your request, to Mr Faulkland's, and to my brother's; and I will own
at the same time that my heart strongly impels me to consent. Yet, my
dear Sir, believe me I should have resisted _that_ impulse, if I could
hope that my refusal would not be followed by consequences too dreadful
to be thought on. There is therefore _no_ alternative, I _must_ be the
wife of Mr Faulkland.
The sooner the affair is finished then the better, said he; Faulkland
stands here on slippery ground; perhaps some of the Bond family may by
this time be arrived in England, and in pursuit of him; therefore let
your marriage be dispatched immediately, and send him away directly to
Holland. I suppose when he has made sure of you, he may be prevailed on
to go without you. Oh, Sir, said I, urge this request to him I beseech
you, it is of the last importance to me that he should comply with it,
and the only preliminary that I have now to make to our marriage. Yes,
yes, answered my kinsman, I think we shall convince him of the necessity
of this. I shall escort you to Holland myself, for I have business at
Rotterdam; and I had thoughts of taking the voyage, if this occasion had
not offered. We will but just stay to settle some affairs here, and
observe what measures can be taken for his service, and then follow him.
Take courage, my dear, continued he, seeing me look sad, all may come
right again. I love out-of-the-way adventures, and this I think _is_
one. We will live like princes, let us go where we will. I only wish
that your brother were _against_ the match, that I might have the more
pleasure in forwarding it; but I need not grudge him that _once_ in his
life he has shewn some tokens of generosity.
I will return to Faulkland, I long to set his noble heart at ease.
Strange perverse creatures your sex are! It amazes me that any thing
could tempt you to reject such a man! Were I a woman, I should run mad
for him. Well, I will go to him, and let him know without any farther
demurs you will give him your hand to-morrow morning. Our honest friend
Price I think may join you. I will call on him, after I have seen
Faulkland, to bid him prepare for the business. I will myself have the
pleasure of giving you away. Good by--and away he went with a pleased
busy countenance.
I took up my pen as soon as he departed, and have scribbled thus far
without suffering any reflections to stop me. Let me now lay down my
pen, to pause before I leap into the frightful precipice that opens
before me.... To-morrow! Ah, my Cecilia, what is that morrow to produce?
it joins me for ever to Mr Faulkland! the chosen of my heart, my first
love! the man who adores me; who deserves all my affection, who has
obliged me beyond all recompence. Who has a claim to my warmest
gratitude, to my esteem, to my whole heart. I save his life, I have the
power to make him happy; my brother, my kinsman urge me; my own heart
too prompts me. Why cannot I then reconcile myself to my lot? Oh that
question is answered by a fearful image that starts up to my fancy--I am
not superstitious, yet believe me, my dear, I am at this instant chilled
with horror.
I am ashamed to confess my weakness, but I must call Patty to sit with
me the remainder of the night. I cannot think of rest!
_Wednesday Morning_
I have passed the whole night in endeavouring to fortify my mind against
the important event that a few hours will accomplish. If Mr Faulkland's
mind should again become tranquil, which my kinsman gave me room to hope
would be the consequence of gratifying the ardent wish of his soul, I
must take care not to disturb it by shewing any reluctance in yielding
him my hand. Had an Angel _once_ told me that I should give my hand
_reluctantly_ to Mr Faulkland, I would not have believed it; yet fatally
circumstanced as our marriage _now_ is, it cannot be otherwise.
And yet I _ought_ to be his. I owe him a great sacrifice, and I am about
to pay it. I am dressed and ready. I wait for my kinsman or my brother,
one of whom, or both perhaps, will be here presently.... Mr Warner is
come; I have but just time to tell you that my brother and Mr Price are
with Mr Faulkland. My kinsman says he is quite a new man. They wait for
me, I go. Heaven guide my steps....
_Thursday_
My fate is accomplished! What a change! Join with me, my dear Cecilia,
in beseeching heaven to look graciously down on me in my new state, and
to guide and protect my beloved Mr Faulkland, my ever destined husband.
Alas! my dear, he is now many miles separated from me.
The worthy Mr Price performed the sacred ceremony. Mr Warner did the
office of a father. He and my brother were all who were present.
There is something so amazing in all this, I can scarce credit my
senses; but my life has been a series of strange, strange events!
I am so bewildered, I cannot connect my thoughts; but I will try to give
you my yesterday's _vision_, for I can hardly persuade myself that what
I recollect really happened.
I broke off just as Mr Warner called on me, to carry me to the house of
my brother's friend.
While we were in the coach, he told me, that having the night before
informed Mr Faulkland of the joyful news of my consenting to marry him
the next day, he seemed at first to doubt, and repeatedly conjured him
not to deceive him; 'till having received the most solemn assurances of
its being true, Mr Faulkland gave himself up to such ecstacies as made
them apprehensive his joy might have effects almost as fatal in their
consequences, as his despair was likely to produce before.
Mr Warner had a mind to lower him a little, and thought, by putting him
in mind of his danger, somewhat to allay his transports.
Mrs Arnold's consent to make you happy, said he, fills me with extreme
joy; but it is not now a time to indulge it: you are here in peril of
your life; you must preserve it now for Mrs Arnold's sake. For Mrs
Arnold's sake! he replied, with ecstasy, yes, yes, 'tis now worth
preserving. Mr Warner, Kinsman, Friend of my life, (grasping his hand)
dispose of me as you please; you shall guide all my steps. Will not Mrs
Arnold go with me after we are made one?
If, after having considered what may be urged to you on that head, you
should still continue to desire it, replied my cousin, she will without
doubt accompany you. But, my dear Sir, consider, circumstanced as you
now are, what will the world say, should she accompany your flight? It
will fix an indelible stain on her character, which is dearer to her
than life, and which I am sure, upon cooler thoughts, you will prize at
an equal value. This marriage will be a profound secret to the world; it
may remain so as long as we please. I have business in Holland, which
will demand my presence there in a very short time. Her accompanying me
thither can give rise to no suspicion. I will dispatch my affairs with
all possible speed, and conduct her to you.
The joy that before lighted up his countenance, pursued my cousin,
seemed a little clouded. He took a turn or two about the room, as if to
consider of what I had said; then, addressing himself jointly to your
brother and me, You are both cooler than I am; perhaps you may judge
better; let me but call her _mine_, I will then do as you would have me.
I cannot determine on anything now.
As soon as my sister and you are married, said Sir George, I think,
Faulkland, you ought to get out of England with all the speed you can.
It will be but a short absence; Sidney will soon follow you. What do you
purpose doing in regard to your son? I had forgot him, cried Mr
Faulkland. Poor child! My heart has been in such tumults since Mr Warner
came in, that I could think of nothing but the blessed news he has
brought me. But I must not neglect my boy. I will write to the honest
servant that I left behind; he shall bring him over: you, my dear
Bidulph, will take care of him, 'till an opportunity offers of sending
him to me.
I hope there will be no need, replied your brother, of sending him out
of England; your affairs may yet turn out so as to permit your return
into your own country.--Impossible! interrupted Mr Faulkland; if Smyth
should ever recover, _his_ representation of the other accident cuts off
every hope. He will not, for his own sake, confess the truth, but impute
the error of my fatal hand to premeditated guilt. Heaven knows, base as
she was, I would not have attempted her life; but I was born to be the
avenger of those crimes into the commission of which I, perhaps, first
led her. As for the contemptible villain who wronged me, I do not repent
of the punishment I inflicted on him; though probably, had I been
allowed a moment's time for recollection, I might have taken vengeance
in a manner more worthy of myself.
I was delighted, proceeded Mr Warner, to find him so cool and rational
in his reflections. He continued talking calmly and reasonably on the
subject of his misfortunes; but on the mention of your name, started
again into transports; but they now seemed to be only those of joy, upon
the prospect of what was to happen the next day.
After I left him, I went to Mr Price, who promised to be in readiness at
the appointed hour.
We were now got to the house of my brother's friend. Mr Warner led me up
stairs into the room, where Sir George, Mr Faulkland, and Mr Price, were
sitting together.
Mr Faulkland was so agitated at the sight of me, that having risen to
salute me, he was not able to speak; but seizing both my hands, he
kissed them fervently one after the other, tears dropping on them as he
held them to his lips. Every one was silent; we were all too much
affected to speak. My brother was the first that broke silence. Well,
Faulkland, said he, have we not kept our promise?
Mr Faulkland turned towards him: Oh, Bidulph, forgive me for doubting; I
am afraid I have used you ill: Can you pardon the madness that I was
driven to by despair?--Mr Warner, Mrs Arnold, I believe you think me
distracted. Indeed I am not. I was only--(and he seemed to hesitate for
a word) weary of life.--I thought I had lost every thing.--The world was
grown a desart.--No one in it for me.
You formed a wrong judgment, my dear Sir, answered Mr Warner; you find
yourself now with your sincere friends; Sir George and myself are both
so; and your bride, your dear Mrs Arnold, is ready to give you her hand.
I _am_, Sir, said I, and if your happiness still depends on me, it gives
me joy that I have at length the power of _bestowing_ it.
I have no _words_, he replied, I can _find_ none, it is all _here_; and
he laid his hand on his heart, his eyes fixed with delight on my face.
I beheld him now, my Cecilia, in a light in which I had never before
viewed him; overwhelmed by misfortunes, of which I accused myself as
being the author. I saw him an exile, likely to be deprived of a noble
fortune, his heart pierced with remorse for an involuntary crime. I saw
too that he loved me; loved me with a fervent and unconquerable passion.
Of this, in the anguish of his soul, at a time when he was wrought up to
phrenzy, he had given but too strong demonstration. Shall I own it to
you, my Cecilia, I think I never loved him as I did in that moment.
My heart was at once assailed by a variety of passions; amongst which,
gratitude, and the softest compassion, were predominant.
I continued silent, whilst Mr Faulkland remained ardently gazing at me.
My brother, I believe, thought us too solemn; the occasion indeed
required it: but his fears for Mr Faulkland made him wish to give the
scene a livelier turn.
Come, sister, said he, let us not defer the happy event for which we are
now met, we have no time to waste in ceremony. You remember what our
mother used to say, 'Many things fall out between the cup and the lip.'
My brother rose off his chair as he said this. Mr Warner taking the
hint, approached, and took me by the hand, Let _me_, said he, to Mr
Faulkland, have the happiness of bestowing this best of Creatures on the
man that I think _best_ deserves her.
Mr Faulkland made no reply; but in taking the hand that my kinsman put
into his, his looks spoke the rapture that swelled his heart; though I
saw he put a constraint upon himself, and endeavoured to assume a
deportment suitable to the important and solemn occasion.
After the indissoluble knot was tied, my brother desired Mr Faulkland to
retire with him into the next room for a few minutes.
I concluded it was in order to press his departure, and to prevail on
him to submit to going without me.
This I found afterwards was the subject of their conversation.
They returned to us in about a quarter of an hour, Mr Faulkland's
countenance less embarrassed than it was at going out of the room. On
their entering, Mr Price took his leave. My brother addressed Mr Warner
and me. Faulkland, said he, is convinced of the necessity there is for
his immediately withdrawing from England, and he is determined to depart
from hence at three o'clock to-morrow morning; for I would by no means
have him leave London by day-light, as we know not who may be on the
watch to trace his steps. He has consented that you, sister, should
remain behind till Mr Warner's affairs will permit him to conduct you
over. In the mean time, Master Faulkland is to be brought from Ireland;
and if you should not be ready to depart before his arrival, you may
take him over with you to Holland.
Mr Faulkland seemed rather to _suffer_ my brother to make this
explanation for him, than to assent chearfully to it. Mr Warner and I
however laid hold of it, and immediately entered into discourse on the
subject of our domestic concerns, and the measures proper to be observed
on so critical an occasion.
Mr Faulkland joined in the conversation with the utmost composure; and
to my unspeakable joy, seemed perfectly settled and collected in his
mind. I thought indeed he appeared a little constrained, and that he
seemed to keep a constant guard over himself, lest he should betray any
symptom of a too much heated imagination: but my kinsman afterwards
observed with pleasure to me, that this denoted nothing more than a
consciousness in Mr Faulkland of the unhappy wandering that had before
so much alarmed us all; and into which he was sure there was not the
least danger of his relapsing, as his heart was now perfectly at ease.
Mr Faulkland told us he had letters to write to Ireland, which he would
dispatch, that he might have nothing to interrupt the few short hours we
had to pass together in the evening.
Mr Warner said he had business to do that called him away, but that he
would return after dinner: and my brother (that Mr Faulkland might be
quite undisturbed) proposed my going home with him, and that we should
come back together in the afternoon.
Mr Faulkland did not object to this, and I went with Sir George.
We returned early in the afternoon to Mr Faulkland. As my brother had
let his friend into our secret, we passed up stairs without any notice
being taken of us.
Mr Faulkland had writ two letters; one of them very long, to Mr Bond,
which he gave my brother to read, but I know not the contents of it. The
other was to that careful honest servant whom he had mentioned to us,
with orders to bring over Master Faulkland with all convenient speed,
and put him into Sir George's hand.
Mr Warner but just called in upon us in the evening, he said he had been
making the necessary preparations for Mr Faulkland's journey; and that
having resolved himself to attend him as far as Harwich, he would, at
the hour appointed call on him in a coach, which should carry them a few
miles out of town, where the horses were to wait for them.
Worthy, compassionate, and generous kinsman, how I love you for the
honest warmth of your heart!
My brother and Mr Faulkland had a great deal of discourse about the
necessary measures that were to be taken by us all; and we passed the
evening in a kind of chastened satisfaction, which could not arise to
happiness from the near prospect we had of parting.
About ten o'clock my brother took an affectionate leave of his friend,
he excused himself from accompanying him on his journey, on account of
Lady Sarah's not being well.
To see _such_ a parting, would at another time have deeply affected me,
but my own hour of separation drew near. It came, and Mr Warner punctual
to his time, hurried Mr Faulkland almost by force into the coach, and
drove off with him.
I threw myself into a chair which he had ordered for me, and was carried
home. I went not to bed; but had recourse to my pen. God preserve my
dear fugitive; I can do nothing but weep.
_July 2_
My mind was too much unsettled yesterday to dictate any thing coherent.
I am now, thank heaven, more composed. Sir George and Lady Sarah have
been with me during the greatest part of the day; both kind and
consoling. My brother seems to have all his former affection for me
revived in his heart; he is indeed charmed with my justice, as he calls
it. Lady Sarah, who at the bottom of her heart is no way concerned about
this event, affects however to think as her husband does, and commends
me for my generosity.
I feel myself easier in proportion as I think Mr Faulkland gets farther
out of the reach of danger. Sir George says by this time he may be on
his voyage.
I shall certainly wait till the child arrives, in order to take him
with me. My two little girls will be fond of such a brother, for he is
a charming boy.
My brother flatters me with a possibility at least of Major Smyth's
recovering; and if so, he says that Mr Faulkland may stand his trial for
the other accident, as he is in hopes Smyth will not persist in his
villainy so far as to add perjury to his other crimes.
I have but little expectations of justice from so bad a man, but I would
not discourage my friends in their endeavours to comfort me.
_July 3_
Mr Warner is returned from Harwich, after having seen Mr Faulkland safe
on board the packet, and even under sail for Holland.
What a benevolent heart has this good relation of mine! Indeed I dearly
love and respect him. His return has revived my spirits, and I begin to
lose my fears. He brought me a short letter from Mr Faulkland; short it
is, but his heart speaks in every syllable of it. I will not give you
the contents, my Cecilia, you will think it too extravagant, too
romantic, for a husband to write so to his wife.
_July 6_
I long, yet dread to hear accounts from Ireland. I fear that wretched
Smyth is dead. No mail has arrived from thence these eight days.
Contrary winds they tell me detain the packets on the other side very
often for a fortnight together. If that be so, how fortunate was Mr
Faulkland in seizing on a lucky hour for his departure from the Irish
shore.
I suppose Mr Bond's family, whom he must have rendered very unhappy,
particularly the daughter, are all now his implacable enemies; and are
tormenting themselves in being detained from the pursuit of their
vengeance. But let them come now when they will, he is far out of the
reach of his foes.
I would it were possible for my Cecilia, to arrive in England before my
departure for Holland. Indeed, my dear, I shall not be sorry if I am
detained from Mr Faulkland, till I have the happiness of first embracing
you, as our separation may be afterwards of a long continuance. I shall
wait for the arrival of Master Faulkland, and who knows what adverse
winds may detain him till your return. O! that I may pass though it be
but one day, with the dear companion of my youth before we are again
divided!
I will not send this packet off, till I am ready to depart from
England, as that will be closing an important period of my life. What
would I give that my dearest friend would come, and instead of this
tedious narrative which I have written, receive the account from my own
lips! If my wishes should not be granted in this, cannot you make
Holland your way home? Mr Faulkland purposes staying at the Hague till I
go to him.
_July 9_
Cecilia! have I been a murmurer at the decrees of providence? have I
been an impious repiner when heaven has poured down its wrath upon my
head? if not, why am I marked out for divine vengeance? before I lose my
senses, or my life, for both I cannot retain, hear the last act of your
friend's tragic story.
My brother called on me this day; he gave me a letter directed to Mr
Faulkland, which came under a cover to him. Read it, said he, it is from
Ireland, and may contain something material for us to know.
It was from the honest servant Mr Faulkland left behind him. See what he
says, and then tell me if I ought to live any longer.
'Honoured Sir,
'I have the happiness to send you a piece of good news, which made
me wish for wings to have flown over to you with it.
'My lady, Heaven be praised, is not dead, nor so much as hurt. I
am thankful for this, Sir, on your account, not her's.
'I don't know what possessed the people at Mr Bond's, to tell me
she was dead; the mistake, to be sure, was occasioned by the great
confusion the family were thrown into, and indeed, from what I
myself saw, I was sure she was actually dead.
'Major Smyth lived 'till the surgeon came; but had been speechless
for two or three hours, and died whilst his wound was probing.
'My lady had only fallen into a fit, and the major having bled
prodigiously, she received a great deal of his blood upon her
linen, and as he afterwards contrived to throw himself on the bed,
which was at some distance from the place where she had fallen, it
gave occasion to Mrs Bond (who was herself the first person that
entered the room, after the sad accident) on finding my lady lying
senseless, pale, and bloody, on the floor, to suppose she had been
killed.
'This alarm ran through the family, and was confirmed to me by
every one in it, as we servants soon quitted the chamber; and the
major himself said, that you had discharged one of the pistols at
your lady, and the other at him.
'I returned to Mr Bond's in the morning, after you were gone off,
to enquire whether Major Smyth was alive or not; he was just then
dead.
'The waiting-maid informed me, that my lady, to their great
surprize, was recovered, having only been in a fainting fit, which
held her above an hour, without her shewing any signs of life; and
that she had fallen from one to another 'till morning: and she
farther said (begging your honour's pardon) it would be no great
matter if she had died in one; for she believed it was for no good
she went into the major's room at that time of the night.
'I staid about the house all the day to pick up what intelligence
I could from the servants. Young Mr Bond, with two or three men,
went to your house, and not finding you there, I suppose, rode in
pursuit of you; but, Heaven be praised, you have escaped their
hands.
'The waiting-maid, who is a very civil young woman, told me, in
the evening, that my lady, being come a little to herself (though
I believe not in her right mind) was informed of the major's
death; at which she was so exceedingly terrified, that finding
herself ill besides, she confessed the whole truth of the matter,
and proved, that the major died with a lie in his mouth: so that I
hope Mr Bond's family will not be so spiteful as to prosecute the
affair any farther.
'My lady was sent home directly in the chariot, as they could not
bear the sight of her any longer in the house. She takes on
mightily; but we all bless ourselves, that she is alive.
'I shall make bold to inclose this, according to your order, to
Sir George Bidulph; and as soon as I receive your commands about
Master, shall make no delay in this unlucky place. I am.
'Honoured Sir,
'Your dutiful and obedient servant,
'FREDERICK HILDY.'
_June 26_
Adieu, my Cecilia, adieu; nothing but my death should close such a scene
as this.
Here, to the editor's great disappointment, Mrs Arnold's interesting
story broke off; that unhappy lady not having continued her journal any
farther.
But as this seemed to be one of the most affecting periods of her life,
his curiosity induced him to enquire of the gentleman from whom he
received those papers whether he could give him any farther light into
her story; as he thought it not improbable that he might have learned,
from his mother, some other particulars relating to her.
His friend told him, that he knew his mother had drawn up a narrative of
the subsequent remarkable events in the life of Mrs Arnold, at the
request of a particular friend; that he had once heard it read; but, as
he was then a boy, it made but little impression upon him; that
afterwards, when he wanted to have his curiosity gratified, his mother
told him, she could not find the manuscript, and feared it was lost.
However, he said, he would search her papers and, if he recovered it, it
should be at his service.
After some time, the gentleman informed the editor, that he had made the
strictest scrutiny into his mother's papers, and could find nothing
relative to the subject of Mrs Arnold, excepting a few loose sheets,
which seemed to have been the foul copy of the beginning of her
narrative; and, at the same time, put them into his hands.
These the editor offers to the publick, as he received them, without any
alteration or addition.
CECILIA'S NARRATIVE, &c.
BEING A SUPPLEMENT TO MRS ARNOLD'S JOURNAL
I set out on my return to England, immediately after the receipt of her
last journal, the melancholy close of which had exceedingly terrified
and afflicted me.
Immediately on my arrival in London, I flew to the dear friend of my
heart; she was still at her house, in Pall-mall.
I found the dear Sidney alone, in her bed-chamber. She had been prepared
to receive me; but though I had endeavoured to arm myself with
resolution for this affecting interview, I was not mistress of myself at
the sight of her.
The tears I shed did not spring from that sweet emotion, which long
severed friends feel at seeing each other again; I wept in sorrow for
the heavy misfortunes of the best of women.
But Mrs Arnold, still herself, and superior to adversity, received me
with the tenderest marks of friendship, and with a composure that amazed
me.
Piety, meekness, and patience, were ever Mrs Arnold's characteristics;
and they now all appeared blended, and so strongly impressed on her
beautiful face, that I could not look at her without admiration.
As I was astonished to find her so calm under so trying an affliction, I
could not help expressing myself to that purpose; but Mrs Arnold checked
me, with this reply: 'I have been set up as a mark, my Cecilia; let me
fulfil the intention of my Maker, by shewing a perfect resignation to
His will. I hope, my task is almost finished, and that he will soon
permit me to return to the dust from which I came.'
Frederick Hildy had arrived from Ireland above a fortnight before, with
Master Faulkland, a beautiful child of about five years old. They were
both lodged in Mrs Arnold's house.
She told me, that Sir George Bidulph and Mr Warner had set out together
for Holland, immediately after the receipt of the letter, which informed
them of Mrs Faulkland's being alive.
My brother, said Mrs Arnold, thought it necessary himself to be the
bearer of news so fatal in its import to his friend. He hoped besides he
should be able to return and stand his trial for having killed Major
Smyth, as there is no doubt of his being acquitted; all Mr Bond's family
being now convinced, from Mrs Faulkland's own confession, that there was
nothing premeditated in this fatal event, and that what Mr Faulkland
did, was in defence of his own life.
I have writ, continued she, to Mr Faulkland, to endeavour to console him
under our mutual misfortune.
At my request, she shewed me a copy, of this letter; wherein she assured
him, she would take the tenderest care of his son, 'till the child could
be delivered safe into his hands; and conjured him, for that child's
sake, to be careful of his own interest and preservation; adding, that
as their ill fated marriage was an absolute secret to every one but the
persons immediately concerned, she hoped he would not suffer the
thoughts of it to break in upon his future quiet; and concluded with
beseeching him to forget her, as they were never more to meet.
This was the substance of what she wrote. There were no murmurings at
her fate, no womanish complainings, mixed with the tender, yet noble
sentiments of her heart. She endeavoured to conceal her own anguish
under the mask of contentment, that Mr Faulkland might the better
support this final destruction of all his hopes.
I asked her, whether she had heard since from Mr Faulkland? She told me
she had as yet received no answer from him to this letter, but that she
had heard severally from Sir George and Mr Warner, who both informed
her, that Mr Faulkland, after his first transports of surprize and grief
were over, at receiving this new and unexpected blow, had grown more
calm, and seemed inclined to return with them to England. Sir George
added, in the last letter she had from him, that they only waited 'till
Mr Warner had accomplished the business that he had to do in Holland,
and hoped, before a fortnight was at an end, to return home, and to have
the pleasure of conducting Mr Faulkland back.
It is ten days, continued Mrs Arnold, since I received this account, and
I flatter myself, that they may now be on their journey homeward.
Mrs Arnold said, that she waited but for Sir George's return, in order
to deliver Master Faulkland into his hands, and that she then meant to
retire into the country, with her two children, and Patty, the faithful
companion and partner of her grief.
Lady Sarah Bidulph, who would gladly have gone with Sir George to
Holland, had been persuaded by him to stay behind, in order to bear his
sister company in her affliction; and Mrs Arnold said, she had dedicated
much of her time to that friendly purpose.
Her Ladyship came to pay her a visit whilst I was there. I had never
seen Lady Sarah before; and we were introduced to each other.
I took my leave of Mrs Arnold, and promised to see her again the next
day.
In the morning, as I was preparing to go to her, I received a note from
Lady Sarah Bidulph, earnestly requesting the favour of seeing me, at her
house, in St James's Square, before I went to Mrs Arnold.
I obeyed this unexpected summons, and immediately waited on her.
I took the liberty, Madam, said she, of desiring to see you here this
morning, at Sir George's request: he arrived late last night, and brings
most melancholy news from Holland.
Sir George entered the room while she spoke. After the first greeting of
friends long parted were over, I am afraid to ask, Sir George, said I,
yet am impatient to learn something of Mr Faulkland, your lady has
terribly alarmed me; Mr Faulkland is not returned; I dare not enquire
the reason. Tears instantly sprung into Sir George's eyes. He returns no
more, said he, his remains are soon to be conveyed to England to be laid
with his ancestors.
Ah, Sir, cried I, what will poor Mrs Arnold say to this fresh
misfortune?
It was on that account Madam, he replied, that we are now requested to
speak with you, before you saw my sister. You, who are her bosom friend,
can more tenderly disclose this melancholy event than any one. I have
not the courage to see her. We must beg of you, dear Madam, to prepare
the unhappy Sidney for the news.
I asked him the manner of Mr Faulkland's death. I cannot positively say,
answered Sir George, but much I fear he precipitated his own fate.
Mr Warner, or I, constantly staid with him from the time we disclosed
the fatal account we brought concerning Mrs Faulkland. Knowing as we did
the violence of his temper, we were apprehensive of sudden and dreadful
consequences; but he deceived us both; for after the first starts of
passion were over, which though they shocked, did not alarm us, as we
expected them, he assumed a calm resignation to his fate; and talked
with such a rational composure of the strange circumstances of this
incident, that we began to entertain hopes, that the efforts of his
reason, joined to our constant endeavours to sooth and console him,
would in time so far succeed, and though we never expected to see him
restored to a tranquil state of mind, we yet flattered ourselves he
would submit to life upon such terms as Providence thought fit to impose
on him.
I was with him, proceeded Sir George, when he received a letter from my
sister. His hands shook so on perceiving by the superscription that it
came from her, that he let the letter drop. Read it for me, Bidulph,
said he, and tell me how it fares with Mrs Arnold.
I instantly complied with his request. I found by the date of the letter
that it had been delayed much longer than it ought to have been, which I
immediately observed to him, as he had often expressed his uneasiness at
not hearing from my sister.
Mrs Arnold is well, said I, giving him the letter; read what it says,
and let her teach you fortitude.
He withdrew to a window to peruse it. After he had read it, I admire
your sister's stoicism, said he, stepping back to his chair. This is
true philosophy, laying his finger on the letter which he still held in
his hand. _Her_ heroic soul is still unmoved, and above the reach of
adversity. Happy Mrs Arnold--What a vain fool was I to think that such a
mind as _hers_ could be subdued. He paused and seemed for a while buried
in thought. Then putting the letter up in his pocket, he began to
discourse on some other topic.
We passed the evening together, continued Sir George, and though
Faulkland was far from being chearful, I thought he appeared more
tranquil than he had done since my arrival.
I talked to him of his returning to England with me. He said with a
smile, I think I ought to go if it were for no other reason but that I
may have my dust mingled with that of my forefathers; and this office,
Bidulph, I expect from you, if you should outlive me.
I laughed at him, and said I thought he had a much more material reason
that pressed his return.
Your estate, said I, is unsettled; and if you were to die abroad in the
predicament in which you now stand, what is to become of your son?
I have already done for my son, said he, all that I thought in justice
was in my power to do: I have long ago settled my personal fortune on
him, that in case my next heirs should on account of the illegitimacy of
his birth, claim the family estate, he may have a handsome support
without it.
And indeed I never wished to debar my lawful heirs in favour of this
child; though I love him tenderly, and they are worthless people, whom I
despise, and with whom I never had any intercourse.
I replied, if that were so, as the manner of the child's birth was a
secret, I wished he might, undisturbed, inherit his father's fortune,
when he should come to pay the last debt to nature.
He answered, where such a vast property was at stake, there would not be
people wanting whose interest would engage them to discover the secret;
and he doubted not but the irregularity of his wife's conduct, had
already occasioned enquiries to be made.
Supposing, said I, you had had another son by Mrs Faulkland since your
marriage--as you could have no objection to the bequeathing your fortune
to him, would it not have appeared strange in the eyes of the world that
you should disinherit your eldest son.
It might have appeared so, said he, but I certainly should have done it:
and for that reason, as I have no child but him, I have made such a
disposition of my fortune as I now tell you. If I live, I may increase
my son's patrimony; if not, he must be contented with that which I have
bequeathed to him, and let my kindred scramble for the rest.
We staid together till it was late; he discoursed on a variety of
subjects, but mentioned not my sister's name during the whole time.
I thought I left him well, and his mind tolerably composed. We were to
set out on our return in six days; but an account was brought to me in
the morning, that Mr Faulkland was found dead in his bed.
There were no symptoms discovered on the body that could let us into the
occasion of his death; but as my own fears suggested too much, I chose
not to be particular in my enquiries. Wishing rather that his fatal
story should be buried in silence.
Mr Warner found that his affairs were likely to delay him longer than
the time proposed; and as I had nothing farther to detain me in Holland,
I set out the day after my unfortunate friend's death, leaving to Mr
Warner, the care of conveying his remains to England, agreeably to the
desire he had expressed, which I now considered as his last injunction
laid on me.
Thus, proceeded Sir George, by a series of fatal events, each of which
was occasioned by motives in themselves laudable, has one of the bravest
and most noble-minded men on earth been cut off in the prime of his
youth--O! Faulkland, why did you suffer that gallant spirit to be
vanquished?--
Sir George's emotion stopped his farther speech, I was too much affected
to say any thing to him, but took a hasty leave of Lady Sarah, in order
to go to Mrs Arnold.
As soon as I entered my friend's room Cecilia, said she, if your
countenance be as faithful an interpreter of your mind as it used to be,
you have some thing disastrous to relate; you may say anything,
misfortune and I have been so familiar, I shall not shrink as its
approach.
Sir George is returned, I replied, you will see him to-day.
Is he come alone, she asked? Alone, I replied. You but repeat my words,
Cecilia, without adding any thing from yourself. Shall I interpret the
meaning of that mournful echo? Mr Faulkland no longer lives!
I was silent--Oh I knew him too well, said she, raising her voice with
energy, to think he would survive this last blow.
His death was natural, said I, for any thing that appears to the
contrary. God be praised for that, cried Mrs Arnold! _If_ so, I am
satisfied that he is at peace.
She then enquired after Mr Warner, and her brother, without making any
farther mention of Mr Faulkland.
Whilst we were in discourse, Master Faulkland ran into the room. He had
been at play with the two little Miss Arnolds, who were in pursuit of
him, And he flew to Mrs Arnold to hide him. She folded him tenderly in
her arms; then turning to me, Look at this boy, said she, he is the
perfect image of his father.
When am I to go to my papa, cried the child, as he hung round her neck?
This innocent unexpected demand quite vanquished Mrs Arnold's fortitude.
She set him down without being able to answer his question, then said,
Excuse me, my Cecilia, I would wish to be alone for to-day. It was not
yet a season to administer consolation, and I withdrew.
She staid in London but two days after this; when, as she had before
resolved, she retired to an estate in Buckinghamshire, which her kinsman
had purchased and settled on her for ever.
With her brother's consent, she took Master Faulkland with her, and
prevailed on Mr Price to accompany her into the country, to whom she
committed the care of the child's education.
Mr Warner, whom she had acquainted by letter with her intention,
approved of the step she had taken. He returned to England in about
three weeks after her departure from her house in town, which she had
left for his reception just as he had fitted it up for her.
Before I accompany Mrs Arnold into her solitude, I shall just briefly
mention some other persons who were connected with her story.
The relations of Mr Faulkland, as he had foreseen, claimed his estate,
and at length obtained it, the illegitimacy of the child being proved.
The wretched Mrs Faulkland, abandoned and despised, returned to England;
but as she was there hated and shunned by every one, she remained in
obscurity for a few years, and then died unpitied and unlamented.
I now return to Mrs Arnold, who, settled in her quiet retreat in the
country, it might be hoped would have passed the remainder of her days
undisturbed by any new calamity.
That only source of true heroism of soul, religion, had all along
supported, and prevented her from sinking under the most trying
afflictions. Many and bitter were the sufferings she had already
endured; but she was, to use her own words, _Set up as a mark_; and the
deep afflictions that still pursued her, and clouded even her latter
days with misfortunes, may serve to shew that it is not _here_ that true
virtue is to look for its reward. I saw her at a time when this
reflection, as it had been her chief, so was it her last and only
consolation.
Possessed as she was of an admirable understanding, and an enlarged
mind, in the deepest solitude she had always resources of entertainment
within herself. Her natural disposition ever sweet and complying, was
improved by her sufferings into a patience very rare in woman; and a
resignation imbibed at first from a rigid education, was heightened by
religion into an almost saint-like meekness and humility.
I shall pass over the first ten years of her retirement, in which
nothing material happened but the marriage of the amiable Patty Main to
a gentleman of a large estate, and the death of her worthy kinsman Mr
Warner, who bequeathed her his whole fortune.
Miss Arnold, her eldest daughter, was now something more than fifteen,
and fulfilled the promise her childhood gave, of her being a perfect
beauty, Miss Cecilia was about a year younger, and though not so
handsome as her sister, was accounted one of the finest young ladies of
her time.
With what delight have I seen this excellent mother, while these two
charming young creatures were all attention, relate to them the
extraordinary and affecting incidents of her life.
This, said she, I do, not as a murmurer at my fate, nor to move your
pity at my misfortunes, but to teach you by my example, that there is no
situation in life exempt from trouble. It found _me_ under the tender
care of the best of parents, it pursued me into my husband's house. In
my virgin state, when I was a wife, and in my widowhood, I was equally
persecuted.
Poverty, I once thought, would have exempted me from every ill, but what
its own hand inflicted; and had it remained my companion, the bitterest
misfortune of my love would have been prevented; for, if wealth had not
accompanied my hand, the world could not have persuaded me to yield it
to Mr Faulkland.
Do not therefore pride yourselves on the great fortunes you are likely
to possess: I have received no other satisfaction in mine, than what
arose from the benefits I have conferred on others.
By such lessons as these, did this tender parent endeavour to fortify
their young minds against the vicissitudes of fortune, and to teach them
not to place their confidence in riches.
She dwelt so often upon this theme, that she seemed to have a
presentiment of those evils, which were now ready to pour in like a
torrent upon her.
Gracious Heaven! how inscrutable are thy ways! Her affluent fortune, the
very circumstance which seemed to promise her, in the eve of life, some
compensation for the miseries she had endured in her early days, now
proved the source of new and dreadful calamities to her, which, by
involving the unhappy daughters of an unhappy mother in scenes of the
most exquisite distress, cut off from her even the last resource of hope
in this life, and rendered the close of her history still more....
* * * * *
Here the lady's narrative breaks off, and the editor, not having it in
his power, after the most diligent enquiry, to recover any more of the
manuscript, is, to his great mortification, compelled to offer this
fragment.
_The END of the_ THIRD VOLUME.
Transcriber's Notes
Spelling varies and is, generally, retained. However, there were a
number of errors which involved transposition of characters, as well as
missing or redundant characters which were most likely made by the
printer. These have been checked against a contemporary edition, and
corrected where necessary. The phrase 'to bed' is frequently, though
not always, hyphenated as 'to-bed'.
Proper names are frequently elided with a dash, of varying lengths. All
have been rendered as '----' (e.g. V----'s).
p. 4 which [in/it] inculcates Corrected.
p. 22 since you went abroad[,/.] Corrected.
p. 25 a[im/mi]able of men Transposition corrected.
p. 30 things _are_ b[r]ought Removed.
p. 37 You[r] unknown friend Added.
p. 41 [t/T]hat for his part Corrected.
p. 54 Bi[d]dulph Removed.
p. 56 (begging their pardons[)./,)] Corrected.
p. 77 unluck[l]y Removed.
p. 86 likewise[s] Removed.
p. 96 the death of her hu[bs/sb]and Transposition corrected.
p. 118 conn[n]ections Removed.
p. 120 to dine wi[ht/th] Transposition corrected.
p. 124 I will swear your hu[bs/sb]and Transposition corrected.
p. 127 requ[i]ring Added.
p. 134 r[e]gret Added.
h[i]mself Added.
p. 136 [i]n her eyes Added.
p. 148 w[i]th sorrow and remorse Added.
p. 154 [']Now, as Faulkland Added opening quote.
p. 165 Our route was settled[;]: Removed.
I told her[e] Removed.
p. 176 dis[t]interested Removed.
p. 180 threatened me with death[./,] I
should have Corrected.
p. 181 sailing w[ti/it]h an imperial port Transposition corrected.
p. 183 qui[et/te] against my inclination Transposition corrected.
p. 192 determ[in]ed Added.
p. 200 poss[s]ession Removed.
p. 203 physic[i]an Added.
p. 209 li[t]tle gleam of pleasure Added.
p. 214 be[ ]sure Missing space added.
compassion[a]te Added.
p. 219 intreaties[s] Removed.
seemed to app[r]ove Added.
p. 228 drank a dish of coffee, but [eat]
nothing _sic._
in our power.['] Added missing quote.
p. 234 you and your hu[bs/sb]and Transposition corrected.
p. 237 th[a]t looked like a slight Added.
p. 238 mort[g]age Added.
affir[m]ative Added.
p. 239 pass[i]onately Added.
p. 240 thought _pretended_ illness[);/,)] Corrected.
p. 254 satisfact[i]on Added.
p. 258 oc[c]asion Added.
p. 269 ladysh[i]p Added.
p. 271 conversat[i]on Added.
p. 283 should lady Bidulp[o]h Removed.
p. 289 f[ma/am]ily Transposition corrected.
p. 290 possib[i]lity Added.
p. 293 ass[u/i]duity Corrected.
p. 295 [']You have now Added opening quote.
p. 303 [ow/wo]men Transposition corrected.
p. 307 wor[l]dly attachments Added.
p. 315 [']A just reparation Added opening quote.
p. 324 depart[a]ure Removed.
p. 326 behav[i]our Added.
p. 339 I had them both brought [it/in] Corrected.
p. 344 pr[ia/ai]se Transposition corrected.
p. 365 circumsta[cn/nc]es Transposition corrected.
p. 378 man[n] Removed.
p. 385 some[ht/th]ing Transposition corrected.
p. 388 to [live/leave] my children greatly
provided for Corrected.
p. 391 exc[e]pted Added.
p. 393 three or four [M/m]onths Corrected.
p. 411 When [h/w]e arrived in London Corrected.
I am of your mind, replied your
brother[?/;] Corrected.
p. 415 despa[i]r Added.
p. 425 I dare not[,] enquire Removed.
p. 426 stoi[s]cism Corrected.
p. 429 committ[e]d Added.
*** End of this LibraryBlog Digital Book "Memoirs of Miss Sidney Biddulph - Extracted from her own Journal, and now first published" ***
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