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Title: How to Solve Conundrums - Containing All the Leading Conundrums of the Day, Amusing - Riddles, Curious Catches, and Witty Sayings
Author: Anonymous
Language: English
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HOW TO SOLVE CONUNDRUMS,
CONTAINING
ALL THE LEADING CONUNDRUMS
OF
THE DAY,
AMUSING RIDDLES, CURIOUS
CATCHES,
AND
WITTY SAYINGS.
A COMPLETE BOOK.
New York:
FRANK TOUSEY, Publisher,
24 UNION SQUARE.
Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1900, by
FRANK TOUSEY,
in the Office of the Librarian of Congress at
Washington, D. C.
How to Solve Conundrums.
What games are most played by soldiers? Hazard and picket!
How do you spell "blind pig" in two letters? P G--pig without an I!
Why is Great Britain like Palestine? Because it's the Holy Land (whole
island).
What is the difference between the earth and the sea? One is dirty, the
other tidy.
Why was Blackstone like an Irish vegetable? Because he was a common
tatur.
What part of your ear would be the most essential for a martial band?
The drum.
High-toned--a church bell.
When is a soldier like a carpenter? When he is going to drill.
When does a farmer have the best opportunity of overlooking his pigs?
When he has a sty in his eye!
Why is the letter K like a pig's tail? Because it's at the end of pork!
Why is a sporting clergyman like a soldier who runs from battle?
Because he departs from his sphere of action.
If a Colt's pistol has six barrels, how many ought a horse pistol to
have? Give it up.
If a bee could stand on its hind legs, what blessing would it invoke? A
bee-attitude!
What prevents a running river running right away? Why, it's tied up!
What was the color of the wind and waves in a storm? The wind blue--the
waves rose.
A modern spinning-wheel--the bicycle.
How can you, by changing the pronunciation of a word only, turn mirth
into crime? By making man's laughter man-slaughter!
Why are convicts like old maids going to be married? Because they go
off in transports!
State the difference between a grocer selling a pound of sugar, and
an apothecary's boy with a pestle and mortar? One weighs a pound, the
other pounds away.
Why is a rumseller's trade a profitable one to follow? Because, by
conducting it with good spirits, he has more bargains than most others,
and all his drafts (draughts) are paid.
Why are two young ladies kissing each other an emblem of Christianity?
Because they are doing unto each other as they would men should do unto
them!
What is the best day for making pan-cakes? Fri-day!
Why am I, when prudently laying by money, like myself when foolishly
squandering it? Because in either case I am--ass!
What word is it which, by changing a single letter, becomes its own
opposite? United; untied.
Why, if a man has a gallery of paintings, may you pick his pockets?
Because he has picked-yours (pictures)!
Why is a pair of skates like an apple? Because they have both
occasioned the fall of man.
Inform us concerning the difference which exists between a soldier
fighting in battle and one who has had his legs shot off? One will
discharge his musket, the other mus' get his discharge.
Who was Jonah's tutor? The whale that brought him up!
What evidence have we that Adam used sugar? Because he raised Cain.
What is that which is put on the table and cut, but never eaten? A pack
of cards.
What is the difference between a horse who, being entered for a race,
is withdrawn, and one who starts in a race and is beaten? One fails to
start, and the other starts to fail.
What is that thing, and the name of a bird, which, if we had not, we
should die? A swallow.
What other edifice does a man sometimes carry about with him besides a
sty in his eye! A castle in the (h)air!
What word it is of only three syllables which combines in it twenty-six
letters? Alphabet.
If I were to see you riding on a donkey, what fruit should I be
reminded of? A pair!
What flowers are there between a lady's nose and chin? Two-lips!
O and P run a race; we bet upon O, but P wins; why are we then like
the fragrant Latakiah which is given us when we ask for the homely
bird's-eye? Because it was wrong tobacco (to back O).
Why is a woman's beauty like a ten-dollar greenback? Because when once
changed it soon goes!
What part of Spain does our cat, sleeping by herself on the hearth-rug,
resemble? Cat-alone here! (Catalonia).
Why is an egg like a colt? Because it isn't fit for use till it's
broken.
Why is a fashionable woman like a successful gambler? Because she has
such winning ways.
When does a lady think her husband a Hercules? When he can't get on
without his "club!"
A member of the Travelers' wants to know what dish he must have ordered
for dinner to be like one journeying to Tangier? We say he must be
going to Africa see ('ave fricassee).
Why is a girl like an arrow? Because she is sure to be in a quiver till
her beau comes, and can't go off without one.
What letter in the Dutch alphabet will name an English lady of title? A
Dutch--S.
When is a secret like a paint-brush? When it's in violet (inviolate).
Why is green grass like a mouse? Because the cattle eat it (cat'll eat
it).
Why is tea more generally drunk now than a year or two back?
Because, having got rid of the garroters, we are less accustomed to
choke-o'-late (chocolate).
When is a superb woman like bread? When given as a toast.
There's a word composed of three letters alone
Which reads backwards and forwards the same;
It expresses the sentiments warm from the heart,
And to beauty lays principal claim!
Eye.
Why is it impossible for a swell who lisps to believe in the existence
of young ladies? Because he calls every Miss a Myth.
Why is the isthmus of Suez like the first _u_ in "cucumber?" Because
it's between two seas.
What Christian name, besides Anna, reads the same both ways? Hannah.
When is a cigar like a shoulder of pork? When it is _smoked_.
A Fiddle D.D.--A doctor of divinity who plays the violin.
Why is a whisper like a forged $5 note? Because it's uttered--but not
aloud (allowed).
What river is ever without a beginning and ending? S-ever-n.
Which is the coldest river? The Ice is (Isis).
When a boy falls into the water, what is the first thing he does? He
gets wet!
When can an Irish servant answer two questions at the same time? When
asked, "What o'clock, and where's the cold chicken?" if she replies,
"Sure it's ate!"
Who was the first man condemned to hard labor for life? Adam.
What, oh! what is a kiss? A receipt given you by a lady on paying your
addresses.
What herb is most injurious to a lady's beauty? Thyme.
When does a man have to keep his word? When no one will take it.
When is a wall like a fish? When it is _scaled_.
Why are hogs more intelligent than humans? Because they nose (knows)
everything?
Why is the French cook at the Union Club like a man sitting on the
top of a shot-tower? Because they are both in a high cool an' airy
(culinary) situation!
Why does a puss purr? For an obvious pur-puss.
Talking about colts (pistols, revolvers, etc.), how is it that guns can
kick when they have no legs? Why, they kick with their breeches, of
course.
What plant is fatal to mice? Cat-nip!
Who were your grandfather's first cousin's sister's son's brother's
forefathers? Why, his aunt's sisters, of course (ancestors).
What fashionable game do frogs play at--besides leap-frog? Croaky!
When are kisses sweetest? When sirup-titiously obtained.
Who was the first whistler, and what tune did he whistle? The
wind--"Over the hills and far away!"
Why is a youth encouraging a mustache like a cow's tail? Because he
grows down.
What contains more feet in winter than in summer? A skating-rink.
When may you be said to literally "drink in" music? When you have a
piano for tea.
If you were invited to an assembly, what single word would call the
musicians to their posts, and at the same time tell you the hour to
begin dancing? At ten dance (attendance).
What word is there of eight letters which has five of them the same?
Oroonoko.
What is the difference between homicide and pig-sticking? One is
assault with intent to kill, the other a kill with intent to salt.
Why do rusty iron spikes on a wall remind you of ice? Because they are
so often called a "shiver de freeze."
Why is a room full of married folks like a room empty? Because there is
not a single person in it.
What is that which makes everything visible, but is itself unseen?
Light.
My first's a dirty little brute,
My second's at the end on't;
My third, like many an honest man,
Is on a fool dependent.
Pig-tail.
Why does the lightning turn milk sour? Because it doesn't know how to
conduct itself.
Why was Eve made? For Adam's Express Company.
What are the most disagreeable articles for a man to keep on hand?
Hand-cuffs.
Which one of the Seven Wonders of the World are locomotive engines
like? The coal-horses of roads (Colossus of Rhodes).
Why is a judge's nose like the middle of the earth? Because it's the
center of gravity.
Do you know what the _oldest_ piece of furniture in the world is? The
multiplication-table!
An old maid's laugh--he! he! he!
Why is a pretty girl's pleased-merry-bright-laughing eye no better than
an eye destroyed? Because it's an-eye-elated.
What is the first thing you do when you get into bed? You make an
impression.
What's the difference between a professional piano-forte player and one
that hears him? One plays for his pay, the other pays for his play.
What makes a pet dog wag his tail when he sees his master? Because he's
got one to wag.
What stone should have been placed at the gate of Eden after the
expulsion? Adam ain't in! (adamantine.)
My number, definite and known,
Is ten times ten, told ten times o'er;
Though half of me is one alone,
And half exceeds all count and score.
Thou-sand.
At what time was Adam married? Upon his wedding Eve.
Why are cats like unskillful surgeons? Because they mew-till-late and
destroy patients.
What is the proper length for ladies' crinoline? A little above two
feet.
What makes more noise than a pig in a sty? Two pigs!
Why is a hog in a parlor like a house on fire? Because they both want
puttin' out.
Why is our meerschaum like a water-color artist? Because it draws and
colors beautifully!
What three figures, multiplied by 4, will make precisely 5? 1 1-4, or
1.25.
Why is a dirty man like flannel? Because he shrinks from washing!
Why is a magnificent house like a book of anecdotes? It has generally
some good stories in it.
Do you know the soldier's definition of a kiss? A report at
head-quarters!
Why is flirting like plate-powder? Because it brightens the spoons!
The downward path--The one with a banana-skin on it.
Hair'em-scare'em--Bangs.
Always happy to meat friends--Butchers.
A sweet thing in bric-a-brac--An Egyptian molasses-jug.
A sky-light--the sun.
Companions in arms--Twins.
A thing that no family should be without--A marriage certificate.
A faux pas--Her father.
A Jersey waste--Newark flats.
Called bonds--Marriage ties.
Invisible blew--The wind.
Bachelors haul--An heiress.
Faithful to beauty's charms and grace,
The form of loveliness I trace;
But ev'ry blemish I detect,
And point out every defect.
Though long a fav'rite with the fair,
I sometimes fill them with despair.
But still I'm consulted ev'ry day
By the old and young--the sad, the gay;
All fly to me, so fam'd for truth,
Uninfluenced by age or youth;
For I neither flatter nor defame;
So now, I think, you'll guess my name.
A looking-glass.
Why is a man for whom nothing is good enough like a hyena galloping?
Because he's a fast-hideous (fastidious) beast.
Why is riding fast up a steep ascent like a little dog's female puppy
suffering from the rheumatism? Because it is a gal-pup-ill (gall(_o_)p
up (_h_)ill.
What is a dogma--not a dog ma--a dogma? An opinion laid down with a
snarl.
Why is a turnpike like a dead dog's tail? Because it stops a waggin.
Ah! but how did the sandwiches get there? Because Ham was sent there,
and his followers mustard (mustered) and bre(a)d.
Why is the Hebrew persuasion the best of all persuasions? Because it is
one that admits of no gammon.
What is the most ancient mention made of a banking transaction? When
Pharaoh got a check on the Red Sea Bank, which was crossed by Moses.
Why are greenbacks like the Jews? Because they are the produce of
Abraham.
What parts of what animals are like the spring and autumn gales? The
equine hocks (equinox).
Two gamblers were sitting
Striving to cheat each other,
And, by a cunning trick, my _last_
Had raised a fearful bother.
The one who lost he looked my _first_,
But he who won assumed my _whole_,
Which little did the luckless one
Amid his bitter grief console.
Since both were rogues, we will not screen them--
There was not my _second_ to choose between them.
Grim-ace.
Who was hung for not wearing a wig? Absalom.
Which eat most grass, black sheep or white? White, because there are
more of them.
What is the difference between the manner of the death of a barber and
a sculptor? One curls up and dies, and the other makes faces and busts.
What is the difference between a mother with a large family and a
barber? One shaves with his razors, and the other raises her shavers.
My love for you will never know
My _first_, nor get my _second_:
'Tis like your wit and beauty, so
My _whole_ 'twill aye be reckoned.
End-less.
When does a gourmand find it impossible to bridle--we ought, perhaps,
to say curb--his appetite? When he wants a bit in his mouth out of a
saddle of mutton.
May my _first_ never be lost in my _second_,
To prevent me enjoying my _whole_.
Friend-ship.
Why do sailors working in brigs make bad servants? Because it is
impossible for a man to serve two mast-ers well!
Why is a note of hand like a rosebud? Because it is matured by falling
due (dew).
Why are plagiarists like Long Branch hotel-keepers with newly-married
couples? Because they are accustomed to seaside dears (seize ideas),
and to make the most out of them that is possible!
Cut off my head, and singular I am;
Cut off my tail, and plural I appear;
Cut off both head and tail, and, wondrous fact,
Although my middle's left, there's nothing there.
What is my head?--a sounding sea;
What is my tail?--a flowing river;
In ocean's greatest depths I fearless play,
Parent of sweetest sounds though mute forever.
Cod.
Why is a dog's tail a great novelty? Because no one ever saw it before.
Why does a nobleman's title sometimes become extinct? Because, though
the Queen can make a man appear (a peer), she can't make him apparent
(a parent).
Why is the Prince of Wales, musing on his mother's government, like a
rainbow? Because it's the son's (sun's) reflection on a steady reign
(rain)!
Why was Louis Phillippe like a very wet day? Because he rained
(reigned) as long as he could, and then--mizzled!
When Louis Phillippe was deposed, why did he lose less than any of his
subjects? Because, whilst he only lost a crown, they lost a sovereign.
Why is the final letter in Europe like a Parisian riot? Because it's an
E-mute.
What was once the most fashionable cap in Paris? The mob--without a
crown.
Without my _first_ no man nor beast could live.
It was my _second_ who my _first_ did give;
And now vain man assumes my _second's_ name,
And to my _first_ makes his resistless claim.
Oh, luckless they who feel the harsh control,
When cold and heartless proves my grasping _whole_.
Land-lord.
Why are ballet-women so wicked? Because they are never content until
they execute their pas.
Give a good definition for cant? Spirits of whine!
In what respect do modern customs differ materially from ancient ones?
Formerly they were hewers of wood and drawers of water; now we have
drawers of wood and ewers of water!
Why does a man who has been all his life a hewer of wood, that is, a
wood-cutter, never come home to dinner? Because he's not only bre(a)d
there, but he's always a chop(p)in' the wood!
Why should the poet have expected the woodman to "spare that tree?"
Because he thought he was a good feller!
What did Jack Frost say when he kissed the violet? Wilt thou? And it
wilted.
What trees has fire no effect upon? Ashes, as, when burned, they're
ashes still.
If a tree were to break a window, what would the window say?
Tre-mend-us!
And when is a charade like a fir-tree? When you get a deal bored
(board) from its length!
What did the rose say to the sun? Blow me!
Ah! but what did the sun say to the rose? You be blowed!
What musical instrument invites you to fish? Cast-a-nets!
Why is the Ohio river like a drunken man? Because it takes in too much
Monongahela at Pittsburgh, runs past Wheeling, gets a Licking opposite
Cincinnati, and falls below Louisville.
When is the Hudson river good for the eyes? When it's eye (high) water.
My _first_ she was a serving-maid--
She went to fetch some tea;
How much she brought my _second_ tells,
As plainly as can be.
Now when you have the answer found,
Name it to others too;
My _whole_ is just the very thing,
In telling them, you'll do.
Ann-ounce.
Which are the lightest men--Scotchmen, Irishmen, or Englishmen? In
Ireland there are men of Cork; in Scotland men of Ayr; but in England,
on the Thames, they have lighter-men.
What Island would form a cheerful luncheon party? Friendly Society, a
Sandwich, and Madeira.
Tell us the best way to make the hours go fast? Use the spur of the
moment!
And, per contra, when does a man sit down to a melancholy--we had
nearly said melon-cholic--dessert? When he sits down to whine and to
pine.
Where is it that all women are equally beautiful? A sly friend promptly
replies, "Why, in the dark, of course."
Why do girls like looking at the moon? Because there's a man in it.
Why are stars the best astronomers? Because they have studded (studied)
the heavens since the creation.
Why are stars like an old barn? Because there are r, a, t, s, in both.
What is that which, supposing its greatest breadth to be four inches,
length nine inches, and depth three inches, contains a solid foot? A
shoe.
What pomatum do you imagine a woman with very pretty feet uses for her
hair? Neet-foot-oil.
Why is wit like a Chinese lady's foot? Because brevity is the soul
(sole) of it.
Why is the letter S like a pert repartee? Because it begins and ends in
sauciness.
If a gentleman asked his lady-love to take one kind of wine, while he
drank another, what two countries would he name? Port-you-gal, I'll
have White (Portugal--Isle of Wight).
Why should a teetotaler not have a wife? Because he can't sup-porter.
What kind of a cravat would a hog be most likely to choose? A
pig's-tye, of course.
Why do teetotalers run such a slight risk of drowning? Because they are
so accustomed to keep their noses above water.
How can you make one pound of green tea go as far as five pounds of
black? Buy the above quantities in New York, and send them up to
Yonkers.
Why is a short man struggling to kiss a tall woman like an Irishman
going up to Vesuvius? Because, sure, he's trying to get at the mouth of
the crater!
What is the greatest miracle ever worked in Ireland? Waking the dead!
Why is marriage with a deceased wife's sister like the wedding of two
fish? Because it's a-finny-tie (affinity).
A man bought two fishes, but on taking them home found he had three;
how was this? He had two--and one smelt!
Suppose we begin with my _second_ TRANSPOSED,
A comical way of beginning,
But many a horse that starts last in the race
Is first at the post for the winning.
Well, my _second_ transposed, is a terrible snare;
It has broken the hearts of a million or more,
Has put rags on the back, filled asylums and jails,
And driven my _whole_ from the door.
Now, if you would my _first_ (teetotalers say),
The victims of sorrow and wrong,
Set them an example, the curse throw away,
Your joy will be great, and your life will be long.
Bless-ing.
Who would travel fastest--a man with one sack of flour on his back, or
a man with two sacks? The man with two sacks, if they were empty, when
they would be lighter than a _sack of flour_.
Why should there be a marine law against whispering? Because it is
privateering (private hearing), and consequently illegal.
My first is the cause of my second, and my whole ought never to be
broken, though unless it be holy, and be kept so, you can't keep it at
all? Sunday.
On what side of a church does a yew-tree grow? The outside!
Why is a field of grass like a person older than yourself? Because it's
past-your-age (pasturage).
Why is a boy like a puppy? Because he's a younker (young cur).
What is that thing which we all eat and all drink, though it is often a
man and often a woman? A toast!
What step must I take to remove A from the alphabet? B-head it!
As we are told that A was not always the first letter of the alphabet,
please tell us when B was the first? In the days of No-a!
Why is A like a honeysuckle? Because a B follows it.
Why is it right B should come before C? Because we _must_ B before we
can C.
Why is the letter W like scandal? Because it makes ill will.
Why are two T's like hops! Because they make beer better.
Why is a waiter like a race-horse? Because he runs for the plate.
Why is good gas like a true lover? Because it burns with a pure flame.
Which are the best kind of agricultural fairs? Farmers' daughters.
Why is a fop like a haunch of venison? Because he is a bit of a buck.
Why is a good anecdote like a public bell? Because it is often tolled
(told).
What sport does gossiping young ladies remind you of? Deer(s) talking.
What is that which is always in visible yet never out of sight? The
letter I.
Why is a man in poverty like a seamstress? Because he is obliged to
make shifts.
Why are all policemen well behaved and polite? Because they are civil
officers.
Why is a rifle a very insignificant weapon? Because it is within a _t_
of being a trifle.
Why is the history of England like a wet season? Because it is full of
reigns (rains).
Why should battle-fields be very gay places? Because balls and routs
are common there.
When do we make a meal of a musical instrument? When we have a piano
for-te(a).
Why is a rheumatic person like a glass window? Because he is full of
pains (panes).
Why are the fixed stars like wicked old people? Because they
scintillate (sin till late).
Why is the profession of a dentist always precarious? Because he lives
from hand to mouth.
Why is boots at an hotel like an editor? Because he polishes the
understandings of his patrons.
Where does a similarity exist between malt and beer? In the taxing of
the one and fining of the other.
Why may turnkeys be said to have extraordinary powers of digestion?
Because they bolt doors.
When is a river not a river? When it is high (eye) water.
Why is a very plain, common-place female a wonderful woman? Because she
is an extraordinary one.
Why is your eye like a schoolmaster using corporal punishment? Because
it has a pupil under the lash.
Why is a beautiful woman bathing like a valuable submarine machine?
Because she is a diving belle (bell).
Why is a cabman, whatever his rank, a very ambitious person? Because he
is always looking for a hire (higher).
Why should a broken-hearted single young man lodger offer his heart in
payment to his landlady? Because it is rent.
Why is a horse constantly ridden and never fed not likely to be
starved? Because he has always a bit in his mouth.
Why were the Russian accounts of the Crimean battles like the English
and French? Because they were all lies (allies).
Why is a tiger hunted in an Indian jungle, like a piece of presentation
plate? Because it is chased and charged by the ounce.
Why is a man going to be married like a felon being conducted to the
scaffold? Because he is being led to the altar (halter).
If there was a bird on a perch, and you wanted the perch, how would you
get it without disturbing the bird? Wait till it flew away.
When two men exchange snuff-boxes, why is the transaction a profitable
one? Because they are getting scent per scent (cent per cent).
Why are young ladies the fastest travelers in the world? Because the
day before marriage they are at the Cape of Good Hope, and the next day
afterwards they are in the United States.
Sometimes with a head, sometimes without a head; sometimes with a
tail, sometimes without a tail; sometimes with both head and tail, and
sometimes without either; and yet equally perfect in all situations? A
wig.
A gardener, going to fetch some apples out of the orchard, saw four
birds destroying some of his best fruit; he got his gun, and fired at
them, but only killed one; how many remained on the tree? None; the
rest flew away.
The man who was struck by a coincidence is in a fair way of recovery.
The fellow who rushed into business "run out" again in a short time.
How to get a good wife--Take a good girl and go to the parson.
How to strike a happy medium--Hit a drunken spiritualist.
The young lady whose sleep was broken has had it mended.
The movement that was "on foot" has taken a carriage.
Hearty laugh--One that gets down among the ribs.
Epitaph for a cannibal--"One who loved his fellow-men."
A squeeze in grain--Treading on a man's corn.
To get a cheap dancing lesson--Drop a flat-iron on your favorite corn.
Why is a candle with a "long nose" like a contented man? Because it
_wants (s)nuffin_.
When does rain seem inclined to be studious? When it's _pouring_ over a
book-stall.
A hand-to-hand affair--Marriage.
Bridal chambers--Harness room.
The only kind of cake children don't cry after--A cake of soap.
Housewife's motto--Whatever thou dost, dust it with all thy might.
Why is life the riddle of riddles? Because we must all give it up.
It is said that the pen is mightier than the sword, but that depends on
the holders.
In making wills, some are left out and others are left "tin."
The society lady never sheds a tear. She knows enough to keep her
powder dry.
Something that carries conviction with it--A police-van.
How to make a slow horse fast--Don't feed him.
Why is a bee-hive like a bad potato? Because a bee-hive is a
bee-holder; and a beholder is a spectator, and a speck-tater is a bad
potato.
The original wire-pullers--Irish harpers.
A place for everything--Baby's mouth.
A stuck-up thing--A show-bill.
Cheap country-seat--A stump.
Sheer cruelty--Clipping sheep.
Song of the mouse--"Hear me gnaw, ma."
To get along well--dig it deep.
A growing industry--Farming.
Why is "T" like an amphibious animal? Because it is found both in earth
and water.
A two-foot rule--Making "rights" and "lefts."
Much as he loves roast beef, John Bull is continually getting into an
Irish stew.
Why is the nine-year-old boy like the sick glutton? Because he's over
eight.
A dangerous character--A man who "takes life" cheerfully.
Which of the reptiles is a mathematician? The adder.
Why cannot a woman become a successful lawyer? Because she is too fond
of giving her opinion without being paid for it.
An unvarnished tail--A monkey's.
No head nor tail to it--A circle.
Why is a rosebud like a promissory note? Because it matures by falling
dew.
How do lawyers often prove their love to their neighbors? By attachment.
Two things that go off in a hurry--An arrow dismissed by a beau, and a
beau dismissed by a belle.
A dangerous collision--Running into debt.
An ex-plainer--A retired carpenter.
A great singer--The tea-kettle.
Blood relations--War stories.
How can a rare piece of acting be well done?
A felt hat--One that gives you the headache.
The egotist always has an I for the main chance.
When are thieves like leopards? When they are "spotted."
To be let--Some young swells' faces--they are generally _vacant_.
A winning hand--The shapely one which is incased in a No. 6
perfect-fitting kid glove.
A willing man--A testator.
Celestial timber--Sunbeams.
Hope is the hanker of the soul.
The oldest revolver--The earth.
Hereditary traits--Family portraits.
Good size for man or woman--Exercise.
A water-spout--A temperance oration.
Sweetness and light--The burning of a sugar refinery.
Home-rule--Your wife's opinion.
A "sheet" anchor--A clothes pin.
Always open to conviction--A thief.
The nobbiest thing in boots is a bunion.
A thing that kicks without legs--a gun.
A motto for young lovers--So-fa and no-father.
The key to the convict's troubles is the turn-key.
Wanted--An artist to paint the very picture of health.
When is an estate like a watch? When it is wound up.
When is a house not a house? When it is a-fire.
Why is a box on the ears like a hat? Because it is felt.
Why is a melancholy young lady the pleasantest companion? Because she
is always a-musing.
Why is a palm-tree like chronology? Because it furnishes dates.
What plaything may be deemed above every other. A top.
Why is an infant like a diamond? Because it is a dear little thing.
Why is anything that is unsuitable like a dumb person. Because it won't
answer.
Why is the letter _l_ in the word military like the nose? Because it
stands between two _i_'s.
What is that which the dead and the living do at the same time? They go
round with the world.
The motto of the giraffe--Neck or nothing.
A paying business--The cashier's.
Always under the lash--The eye.
Romantic youth, rheumatic age.
A striking affair--A prize-fight.
Where did the gas-man meter.
All barbers can't razor beard.
Ex-spurts--Retired firemen.
Missing men--Bad marksmen.
The popular diet for gymnasts--Turn-overs.
A plain-dealing man--One who sells them.
Perpetual motion--Scandal.
Always in haste--The letter h.
Preventives of consumption--High prices.
Handy book-markers--Dirty fingers.
A two-foot rule--Don't stumble.
When can a lamp be said to be in a bad temper? When it is put out.
Railways are aristocratic. They teach every man to know his own station
and to stop there.
Why is a spendthrift's purse like a thunder-cloud? Because it is
continually _lightning_.
Why is a boy almost always more noisy than a girl? Because he is more
son-orous.
An aggravating girl--Miss Deal.
A water-course--A series of temperance lectures.
Attachment notice--The announcement of a marriage engagement.
A shocking disaster--An earthquake.
What is more chilling to an ardent lover than the beautiful's no?
A serious movement on foot--The coming corn or bunion.
Where do ghosts come from?--From gnome man's land.
High-toned men--The tenor singers.
To make a Venetian blind--Put out his eyes.
The retired list--A hotel register at mid-night.
Which is the debtor's favorite tree?--The willow (will owe).
It isn't the girl that is loaded with powder who goes off the easiest.
What does an aeronaut do after inflating his balloon? He highs himself
away on his trip.
Something of a wag--The tip of a dog's tail.
A wedding invitation--Asking a girl to marry you.
Good name for a bull-dog--Agrippa.
Flying rumors are necessarily groundless.
Why ought Lent to pass very rapidly? Because there are so many fast
days in it.
It is no sign because a man makes a stir in the community that he is a
spoon.
What is that which must play before it can work? A fire-engine.
A man ever ready to scrape an acquaintance--The barber.
Hush money--The money paid the baby's nurse.
When may you suppose an umbrella to be one mass of grease? When it's
dripping.
Bootblacks are friendly little fellows. They "take a shine" to anybody.
A dress for the concert-room--_Organ-di_ muslin with _fluted_ flounces.
Difficult punctuation--Putting a stop to a gossip's tongue.
A hard case--The oyster's.
What are the dimensions of a little elbow room?
What is taken from you before you get it? Your portrait.
What can a man have in his pocket when it is empty? A big hole.
An old off-ender--The ship's rudder.
Men who "stick" at their work--printers.
Men who do light work--lamplighters.
Men who work with a will--lawyers.
If you would make a good deal of money at card-playing, you should make
a good deal.
Joy is the feeling that you are better off than your neighbor.
A matchless story--one in which there are no weddings.
The only tree known to have teeth. Dentistry.
Dropping the "h" is an ex-aspirating habit.
If you would not be pitted, get vaccinated.
Has great heeling properties. The mule.
Barren mountains are not worth ascent.
An ancient warrior poet--Shakespeare.
A thing to adore (a door)--The knob.
Why is a widower like a house in a state of dilapidation? Because he
ought to be _re-paired_.
Why are fowls gluttonous creatures? Because they take a peck at every
mouthful.
A big mis-take--Marrying a fat girl.
The most valuable prize--Enterprise.
Cannibalism--Feeding a baby with its pap.
Back-yards--The trains of ladies' dresses.
Coquettes are the quacks of love.
Something to lie about--A bed.
A dangerous man--One who takes life cheerfully.
A slow match--A couple that marries after twenty years' courtship.
Why is a widow like a gardener? Because she tries to get rid of her
weeds.
Who was it that first introduced salt provisions? Noah, for he took Ham
into the ark.
Short-sighted policy--Wearing spectacles.
A lightning-rod is attractive, in its way.
"This cheese is about right," said John; and Jane replied that it was,
if mite makes right.
What is an artist to do when he is out of canvas? He should draw on his
imagination.
A professor of petrifaction has appeared in Paris. He has an 'art of
stone.
"Ah!" said she to her diamonds, "you _dear_ little things!"
After all, a doctor's diploma is but an M. D. honor.
The desire to go somewhere in hot weather is only equaled by the desire
to get back again.
Lay up something for a rainy day, if it is nothing more than the
rheumatism.
The man who waxes strong every day--The shoemaker.
To change dark hair to sandy--Go into the surf after a storm.
A melancholy reflection--The top of a bald head in a looking-glass.
In what age was gum-arabic introduced? In the mucilage.
Always cut off in its prime--An interest coupon.
The farmer's favorite vest--The harvest.
A hallo mockery--The echo.
Rifle clubs--Gangs of pickpockets.
The Turkish position--Cross-legged.
High time--That kept by a town clock.
A home-spun dress--The skin.
Appropriate name for a cold beauty--Al-ice.
Toned paper--Sheet of music.
Food for fighters--Pitch-in pie.
Something always on hand--Your thumb.
When a man attains the age of ninety years, he may be termed XC-dingly
old.
When iron has been exposed to fogs, it is apt to be mist-rusted.
A "head gardener"--A maker of artificial flowers for ladies' hair.
A weather prophet says: "Perspiration never rains. It simply pores."
The spots on the sun do not begin to create such a disturbance as do
the freckles on the daughter.
Why is fashionable society like a warming-pan? Because it is highly
polished, but very hollow.
A capital thing--Cash.
Stakeholders--Butchers.
A great composer--Sleep.
A senses taker--Whisky.
All play--Musician's work.
How to "serve" a dinner--Eat it.
A "light" employment--Candle making.
Another new reading--Man proposes, woman accepts.
"Necessity knows no law." Well, necessity is like a great many lawyers.
The civil service--Opening the door for anybody.
Touching incident--A physician feeling a patient's pulse.
Maxim for the lazy--No man can plow a field by turning it over in his
mind.
Nature saw the bicycle in the dim future when she created a bow-legged
man.
A black tie--A colored wife.
An unpalatable dish--Cold shoulder.
First 'bus in America--Columbus.
A kid-napping case--A cradle.
Disagreeable and impertinent--Ruin staring one in the face.
This language of ours! A widow only resolves on a second marriage when
she re-link-wishes it.
Why is a woman who has four sons, all sailors, like a year?--Because
she has four sea-sons.
He sighed for the wings of a dove, but had no idea that the legs were
much better eating.
What kind of a loan is surest to "raise the wind?"--A cyclone.
The great composer--Chloroform.
Foot notes--Shoemakers' bills.
A narrow escape--The chimney flue.
Best climate for a toper--The temperate zone.
An attached couple--A pair of oyster-shells.
What is the best thing out yet for real comfort?--An aching tooth.
Two souls with but a single thought--Two boys climbing over an orchard
fence, with a bull-dog in pursuit.
Kindred evils--Poor relations.
A matter of course--A horse race.
Only a question of time--Asking the hour.
"Stirring" times--Morning hours.
Free of charge--An empty gun.
Passage of arms--Sleeves.
A good name for a bill-collector--Dunham.
A drop of the crater--Lava.
Does it take more miles to make a land league than it does a water
league?
All the year round--The earth.
A trained animal--The "iron horse."
Stands to reason--A debator who won't sit down.
The best remedy for a man who is spell-bound--A dictionary.
The rations on which a poet's brain is fed--Inspirations.
A good thing to be fast--a button.
Hardware--The friction on a schoolboy's knees.
What was the most honest bet ever made? The alpha-bet.
A bad habit--A seedy coat.
Sweet home--A bee-hive.
Pressed for time--Mummies.
Land agitation--An earthquake.
Held for further hearing--The ear-trumpet.
What is the difference between a fixed star and a meteor? One is a son,
the other is a darter.
When trains are telescoped, the poor passengers see stars.
How to keep yourself dry? Eat freely of red herrings and salt beef, and
don't drink.
Why is it dangerous to take a walk in the woods in spring? Because then
the trees are shooting.
Why is a man on horseback like difficulties overcome? Because he is
Sir-mounted (surmounted).
Why is a vocalist singing incorrectly like a forger of bad notes?
Because he is uttering false notes.
Why is your night-cap when on your head like a giblet pie? Because it
contains a goose's head.
Why are two laughing girls like the wings of a chicken? Because they
have a merry thought between them.
When are a very short and a very tall judge both the same height? When
they are judges of assize (a size).
Why is a thoughtful man like a mirror? Because he reflects.
Why is a pig with a twisted tail like the ghost in Hamlet? Because it
can a tail (tale) unfold.
Why is a Turk like a violin belonging to an inn? Because he is an
infidel (inn fiddle).
Why am I the most peculiar person in the company? Because I am the
querist (queerest).
Why is a blundering writer like an arbiter in a dispute? Because he
writes (rights) wrong.
Why is hot bread like a caterpillar? Because it is the grub that makes
the butterfly.
A good side-show--A pretty cheek.
If a pair of spectacles could speak, what ancient historian would they
name?--Eusebius (you see by us).
Why is a very angry man like the clock at fifty-nine minutes past
twelve?--Because he is just ready to strike one.
Why is a shoe-maker like a true lover?--Because he is faithful to the
last.
Why are there three objections to taking a glass of brandy?--Because
there are three scruples to a dram.
In what respect were the governments of Algiers and Malta as different
as light from darkness?--The one was governed by deys (days), the other
by knights (nights).
When is a fowl's neck like a bell?--When it is wrung (rung).
When is a man thinner than a lath?--When he is a-shaving.
When is a soldier like a baby?--When he is in arms.
Why is a small musk-melon like a horse?--Because it makes a mango (man
go).
Why is a man with wooden legs like one who makes an even
bargain?--Because he has nothing to boot.
Why do bishops become wags when promoted to the highest office in the
church? Because they become arch-bishops.
Why is a fop like a haunch of venison? Because he is a bit of a buck.
Why is a harmonium like the Bank of England? Because it issues notes.
Why is a well-trained horse like a benevolent man? Because he stops at
the sound of wo (woe).
Why is a miser like a man with a short memory? Because he is always for
getting (forgetting).
Why is a fretful man like a hard-baked loaf? Because he is crusty.
Where did the executioner of Charles I. dine, and what did he take? He
took a chop at the King's Head.
Why is Kossuth like an Irishman's quarrel? Because he is a patriot (Pat
riot).
Why is Ireland like a sealed bottle of champagne? Because there is a
Cork in it.
Why is an uncut leg of bacon like Hamlet in his soliloquy? Because it
is ham let alone (Hamlet alone).
Why should taking the proper quantity of medicine make you sleepy?
Because you take a dose.
Why is a pack of cards containing only fifty-one, sent home, as
perfect as a pack of fifty-two sent home? Because they are in complete
(in-complete).
Why is a good constitution like a money-box? Because its full value
becomes known when it is broken.
Why is a flatterer like a microscope? Because he magnifies small things.
Why is a key like a prison? Because it is full of wards.
Why is a talkative young man like a young pig? Because he is likely to
become a bore (boar).
Why is a city being destroyed like another being built? Because it is
being razed (raised).
Why is a fit of coughing like the falls of Niagara? Because it is a
catarrh-act (cataract).
If Tom owes Bob money and gives him a blow in the eye, why is that a
satisfactory settlement? Because he gives his mark in black and white,
a note of hand, and paid at sight.
Why are your lips always at variance? Because words are frequently
passing between them.
Why is a butcher's cart like his boots? Because he carries his calves
there.
Why is a thief in a garret like an honest man? Because he is above
doing a bad action.
Why are bachelors like natives of Ceylon? Because they are single he's
(Cingalese).
When is a window like a star? When it is a skylight.
What constellation most resembles an empty fire-place? The Great Bear
(grate bare).
Why is a sick Jew like a diamond ring? Because he is a Jew ill (jewel).
Why are Irishmen like the Pope? Because they make bulls.
Why is a toll-collector at a bridge like a Jew? Because he keeps the
pass-over (Passover).
What class of people bears a name meaning "I can't improve?" Mendicants
(Mend I can't).
Why is the Commander-in-chief like a broker? Because he is a
Commission-agent.
Why is an irritable man like an unskillful doctor? Because he is apt to
lose his patience (patients).
When is a wall like a fish? When it is _scaled_.
Why is a village cobbler like a parson? Because he attends to the soles
(souls) of the people.
When may a country gentleman's property be said to consist of feathers?
When his estates are all entails (hen tails).
Why are certain Member's speeches in the _Times_ like a brick wall?
Because nobody can get through them.
Why is a man searching for the philosopher's stone like Neptune?
Because he is a-seeking (a sea king) what never existed.
Why is the Premier like an alchemist? Because he turns one of his
friends into a gold-stick.
Why is a theological student like a merchant? Because he studies the
prophets (profits).
Why does a dog's tail resemble happiness? Because, run after it as he
will, he cannot catch it.
Why is an insolent fishmonger likely to get more business than a civil
one? Because, when he sells fish, he gives _sauce_.
Why are coopers like musical composers? Because they make use of
_staves_.
Why is Mrs. Caudle like a locomotive engine? Because she is always on
the _rail_.
Why is a partner in a joint-stock concern like a plowman? Because he is
a _share_-holder.
Why should a speculator use a high stiffener for his cravat? Because he
would be sure of a _rise_ in his _stock_.
Why is a gypsy's tent like a beacon on the coast? Because it is a
_light_-house.
Why were the English victories in the Punjaub nothing to boast of?
Because they were over Sikh (sick) armies.
Why are Cashmere shawls like persons totally deaf? Because you cannot
_make_ them here (hear).
Why is a ship just arrived in port like a lady eagerly desiring to go
to America? Because she is _hankering_ after a voyage.
Why may the Commissioners for Metropolitan Improvements never be
expected to speak the truth? Because with them mend-a-city (mendacity)
is a duty.
When is a ball not a ball? When it is snowball (no ball).
Why is chloroform like Mendelssohn or Rossini? Because it is one of the
greatest composers of modern times.
Why is a sword that is too brittle like an ill-natured and passionate
man? Because it is snappish and ill-tempered.
Why are steamboat explosions like short-hand writers leaving the House
of Commons? Because they go off with reports.
Why is the profession of a barrister not only legal, but religious?
Because it involves a knowledge of law, and a love of the profits
(prophets).
Why ought a superstitious person to be necessarily temperate? Because
he is afraid of spirits.
Why are the Commissioners of Stamps and Taxes like sailors at sea?
Because they are a-board.
How is a successful gambler always an agreeable fellow? Because he has
such winning ways.
Why should the ghost in Hamlet have been liable to the window-tax?
Because he had glazed eyes.
Why does a donkey prefer thistles to corn? Because he is an ass.
Why is a whirlpool like a donkey? Because it is an eddy (a neddy).
When would a bed make the best hunting ground?--When it is made anew
for rest (a new forest).
Why are the labors of a translator likely to excite disgust? Because
they produce a version (aversion).
Why is steam power in a locomotive like the goods lading a ship?
Because it makes the car go (cargo).
Why was Grimaldi like a glass of good brandy and water? Because he was
a tumbler of first-rate spirit.
Why is a man in jail and wishing to be out like a leaky boat? Because
he requires bailing (baling) out.
Why is a congreve box without the matches superior to any other box?
Because it is matchless.
Why was Phidias, the celebrated sculptor, laughed at by the Greeks?
Because they said he cut a pretty figure.
Why are hot-house plants like drunkards? Because they have so many
glasses over and above.
Why may a professor without students be said to be the most attentive
of all teachers? Because he has only two pupils and they are always in
his eye.
When is a maiden most chaste (chased). When she is most run after.
Why should a broken-hearted single young man lodger offer his heart in
payment to his landlady? Because it is rent.
Why were the Russian accounts of the Crimean battles like the English
and French? Because they were all lies (allies).
Why is a waiter like a race-horse? Because he runs for the plate.
Why is boots at an hotel like an editor? Because he polishes the
understanding of his patrons.
Why is a very commonplace female a wonderful woman? Because she is an
extra-ordinary one.
Why is a man not prepared to pay his acceptance when due like a pigeon
without food? Because he has not provided for his bill.
Why is a plum-pudding like a logical sermon? Because it is full of
raisins (reasons).
Why are young children like castles in the air? Because their existence
is only infancy (in fancy).
Why is a ticket-porter like a thief? Because he takes other people's
property.
When a horse speaks, why does he do so always in the negative? Because
he neighs (nays).
Why is a boiled herring like a rotten potato? Because it is deceased
(diseased).
Why is a cat like a tattling person? Because it is a tail-bearer
(tale-bearer).
Why is it impossible that there should be one best horse on a
race-course? Because you will always find a better (bettor) there.
Why is my place of business like a baker's oven? Because I make my
bread there.
When is a thief like a reporter? When he takes notes.
When is a book like a prisoner in the States of Barbary? When it is
bound in Morocco.
Why is a retired carpenter like a lecturer on natural philosophy?
Because he is an ex-plainer.
Why are those who quiz ladies' bustles very slanderous persons? Because
they talk of them behind their backs.
Why is a gardener better paid than any other tradesman? Because he has
most celery (salary).
Why is my servant Betsy like a race-course? Because she is a Bet in
place (betting-place).
Why is a most persevering admirer of a coquette like an article she
carries in her pocket? Because he is her hanker-chief (handkerchief).
Why is a torch like the ring of a chain? Because it is a link.
Why is a handsome and fascinating lady like a slice of bread? Because
she is often toasted.
Why does a Quaker resemble a fresh and sprightly horse? Because he is
full of nays (neighs).
Why are men who lose by the failure of a bank like Macbeth? Because
each has his bank-woe (Banquo).
Why is a row between Orangemen and Ribbonmen like a saddle? Because
there's a stir-up (stirrup) on both sides.
Why is a prosy story-teller like the Thames Tunnel? Because he is a
great bore.
Why should well-fed M. P.s object to triennial parliaments? Because it
puts them on short commons.
Why are ladies so fond of officers? Because every lady likes a good
offer, sir (officer).
When is the music at a party most like a ship in distress? When it sets
the pumps agoing.
Why is your first-born child like a legal deed? Because it is
all-engrossing.
Why is a hackney coachman like a conscientious man? Because he has an
inward check on his outward action.
Why is a milkwoman who never sells whey the most independent person in
the world? Because she never gives whey (way) to any one.
Why is a man digging a canoe like a boy whipped for making a noise?
Because he hollows.
When are soldiers stronger than elephants? When they carry a fortress.
Why has a clock a bashful appearance? Because it always keeps its hands
before its face.
Why is an adjective like a drunken man? Because it can't stand alone.
Why did Marcus Curtius leap into the gulf at Rome? Because he thought
it was a good opening for a young man.
Why is wine spoilt by being converted into negus? Because you make a
mull of it.
Why is a baker like a judge in Chancery? Because he is Master of the
Rolls.
Why is a bad epigram like a blunt pencil? Because it has no point.
Why is a humorous jest like a fowl? Because it contains a merry-thought.
Why is a schoolboy beginning to read like knowledge itself? Because he
is learning.
Why is an egg underdone like an egg overdone? Because it is hardly done.
Why is an Irishman turning over in the snow like a watchman? Because he
is a Pat rolling (patrolling).
Why is the office of Prime Minister like a May-pole? Because it is a
high post.
Why does the conductor at a concert resemble the electric telegraph?
Because he beats time.
Why are the pages of this book like the days of this year? Because they
are all numbered.
Why does a smoker resemble a person in a furious passion? Because he
fumes.
Why is a burglar using false keys like a lady curling her hair? Because
he is turning locks.
Why are tears like potatoes? Because they spring from the eyes.
Why is this book like an evergreen? Because it is always full of leaves.
Why should travelers not be likely to starve in the desert? Because of
the sand which is (sandwiches) there.
How did the sandwiches come into the desert? Noah sent Ham, and his
descendants mustered and bred (mustard and bread).
Why is a red-haired female like a regiment of infantry. Because she
carries fire-locks.
Why is a locomotive like a handsome and fascinating lady? Because it
scatters the _sparks_ and _transports_ the mails (males).
Why is a man's mouth when very large like an annual lease? Because it
extends from ear to ear (year to year).
Why were the cannon at Delhi like tailors? Because they made breaches
(breeches).
Why is a sheet of postage stamps like distant relations? Because they
are only slightly connected.
How can venison never be cheap? Because it is always deer (dear).
Why is a pianist like the warder of a prison? Because he fingers the
keys.
Why can no man say his time is his own? Because it is made up of hours
(ours).
Why is a curtain lecture like darkness? Because it lasts from night
till morning.
Why is the root of the tongue like a dejected man? Because it's down in
the mouth.
When is it a good thing to lose your temper? When it's a bad one.
On what day of the year do women talk least? On the shortest day.
What is the best way to keep a man's love? Not to return it.
Why is a wedding-ring like eternity? Because it has no beginning and no
end.
What is that which ties two persons and only one touches? A
wedding-ring.
Why should a man never marry a woman named Ellen? Because he rings his
own (K)nell.
Why does a young lady prefer her mother's fortune to her father's?
Because, though she likes patrimony, she still better likes matrimony.
Why is a deceptive woman like a seamstress? Because she is not what she
seams (seems).
Why does a dressmaker never lose her hooks? Because she has an eye to
each of them.
What goes most against a farmer's grain? His reaper.
What is the difference between the Emperor of Russia and a beggar? One
issues manifestoes, the other manifests toes without 'is shoes.
Why is the Emperor of Russia like a greedy school-boy on Christmas-day?
Because he's confounded Hung(a)ry, and longs for Turkey.
You name me once, and I am famed
For deeds of noble daring;
You name me twice, and I am found
In savage customs sharing?
Tar-tar.
What part of a bag of grain is like a Russian soldier? A coarse sack
(cossack).
Why is it that you cannot starve in the desert? Because of the
sand-which-is-there, to say nothing of the Pyramids of Ch(e)ops.
The wind howled, and the heaving sea
Touched the clouds, then backward rolled;
And the ship strove most wondrously,
With ten feet water in her hold.
The night is darkened, and my _first_
No sailor's eye could see.
And ere the day should dawn again,
Where might the sailor be?
Before the rising of the sun
The ship lay on the strand,
And silent was the minute-gun
That signaled to the land.
The crew my _second_ had secured,
And they all knelt down to pray,
And on their upturned faces fell
The early beam of day.
The howling of the wind had ceased,
And smooth the waters ran,
And beautiful appeared my _whole_
To cheer the heart of man.
Land-scape.
What is the wind like in a storm? Like to blow your hat off.
What is the difference between an honest and a dishonest laundress? One
irons your linen and the other steals it.
Why are artists like washerwomen? Because they are not satisfied until
their works are "hung on the line."
A poor woman carrying a basket of apples, was met by three boys, the
first of whom bought half of what she had, and then gave her back ten;
the second boy bought a third of what remained, and gave her back two;
and the third bought half of what she had now left, and returned her
one, after which she found that she had twelve apples remaining. What
number had she at first? From the twelve remaining, deduct one, and
eleven is the number she sold the last boy, which was half she had; her
number at that time, therefore, was twenty-two. From twenty-two deduct
two, and the remaining twenty was two-thirds of her prior stock, which
was therefore thirty. From thirty deduct ten, and the remainder twenty
is half her original stock; consequently she had at first forty apples.
Why did the young lady return the dumb water? Because it didn't answer.
There are twelve birds in a covey; Jones kills a brace, then how many
remain? None; for--unless they are idiots--they fly away!
Why is a very amusing man like a very bad shot? Because he keeps the
game alive!
What is the height of folly? Spending your last dollar on a purse!
What is a very good definition of nonsense? Bolting a door with a
boiled carrot.
What soap is the hardest? Cast-steel (castile)!
I wander when the night is dark,
I tread forbidden ground;
I rouse the house-dog's sullen bark,
And o'er the world am found.
My victims fill the gloomy jail,
And to the gallows speed;
Though in the dark, with visage pale,
I do unlawful deed,
There is an eye o'erwatching me,
A law I disobey;
And what I gain I faster lose,
When Justice owns its sway.
Though sometimes I accumulate
A fortune soon, and vast--
A beggar at the good man's gate,
My pupil stands at last.
Dishonesty.
My first is irrational,
My second is rational,
My third mechanical,
My whole scientific?
Horse-man-ship.
Why is horse-racing a necessity? Because it is a matter of course.
What is most like a horse's foot? A mare's.
Why is a horse an anomaly in the hunting-field? Because the
better-tempered he is the easier he takes a-fence (offence).
What most resembles a cat looking out of a garret window, amid a
sheltering bower of jessamine and woodbine? A cat looking into a garret
window under the same circumstances.
A word there is five syllables contains;
Take one away--not one of them remains!
Mo-no-syllable.
If a man attempts to jump a ditch, and falls, why is he likely to
miss the beauties of Summer? Because the Fall follows right after the
Spring, unless he makes a Summer-set between them.
What does an iron-clad vessel of war, with four inches of steel plating
and all its guns on board, weigh just before starting on a cruise? She
weighs anchor.
When is an umbrella like suet? When it is dripping.
When is a woman not a woman? When she is a little cross.
Why is drunkenness like a ragged coat? Because it is a bad habit.
Why is a proud lady like a music book? Because she is full of airs.
Why is a pianist like the warder of a prison? Because he fingers the
keys.
Why is an avaricious merchant like a Turk? Because he worships the
profit.
When is a plant to be dreaded more than a mad dog? When it is madder.
Why is a harmonium like the Bank of England? Because it issues notes.
Why is love like a candle? Because the longer it burns the less it
becomes.
Why can no man say his time is his own? Because it is made up of hours
(ours).
Why is a hen walking like a base conspiracy? Because it is a foul
(fowl) proceeding.
Why is a curtain lecture like darkness? Because it lasts from night
till morning.
Why is a ship the politest thing in the world? Because she always
advances with a bow.
Why is a good sermon like a kiss? Because it only requires two heads
and an application.
Why should a thirsty man always carry a watch? Because there's a spring
inside of it.
Why is a well-trained horse like a benevolent man? Because he stops at
the sound of wo (woe).
Why is a miser like a man with a short memory? Because he is always for
getting (forgetting).
Why are clergymen like cabinet-makers when performing the marriage
ceremony? Because they are joiners.
Why is it easy to break into an old man's house? Because his gait
(gate) is broken and his locks are few.
Why should the world become blind if deprived of its philosophers?
Because there would be no seers.
Why are blacksmiths the most discontented of tradesmen? Because they
are always on the strike for wages.
Why would a great gourmand make a very clumsy dressmaker? Because the
more he takes in, the more he tucks out.
Why is a baker the cheapest landlord but the dearest builder? He is the
cheapest landlord when he can sell you a little cottage for twopence;
when he is the dearest builder is when he charges you sixpence for a
brick.
What is the difference between a man who has nothing to do and a
laborer? The one gets a great deal of "otium cum dig.," the latter a
great deal of dig without otium.
Why should not ladies and gentlemen take castor oil? Because it's only
intended for working-people.
An ugly little fellow, that some might call a pet,
Was easily transmuted to a parson when he ate;
And when he set off running, an Irishman was he,
Then took to wildly raving, and hung upon a tree?
Cur, cur-ate, Cur-ran, currant!
Why is a gooseberry-tart, or even a plum-tart, like a bad dime? Because
it's not currant.
You like to pay a good price and have the finest work, of course; but
what is that of which the common sort is best? Sense.
When you go for ten cents' worth of very sharp, long tin-tacks, what do
you want them for? For ten cents.
Where did Noah strike the first nail in the ark? On the head.
When was paper money first mentioned in the Bible? When the dove
brought the green back to Noah.
What was the difference between Noah's ark and Joan of Arc? One was
made of wood, the other was Maid of Orleans.
There is a word of three syllables, from which if you take away five
letters a male will remain; if you take away four, a female will be
conspicuous; if you take away three, a great man will appear; and the
whole shows you what Joan of Arc was? He, her, hero, heroine!
Why was Leander voluntarily drowned? It was through his-whim (his swim)
only!
What's that? what's that? Oh, I shall faint,
Call, call the priest to lay it!
Transpose it, and to king and saint,
And great and good you pay it?
Spectre; respect.
Complete I betoken the presence of death,
Devoid of all symptoms of life-giving breath;
But banish my tail, and, surpassingly strange,
Life, ardor, and courage, I get by the change?
Corpse; corps.
Ere Adam was, my early days began;
I ape each creature, and resemble man;
I gently creep o'er tops of tender grass,
Nor leave the least impression where I pass;
Touch me you may, but I can ne'er be felt,
Nor ever yet was tasted, heard, or smelt.
Yet seen each day; if not, be sure at night
You'll quickly find me out by candlelight?
Shadow.
Why is the inside of everything mysterious? Because we can't make it
out.
Why should a man troubled with gout make his will? Because he will then
have his leg at ease (legatees).
What is that which no one wishes to have, yet no one wishes to lose? A
bald head.
What is the difference between a young maiden of sixteen and an old
maid of sixty? One is happy and careless, the other cappy and hairless.
Why are very old people necessarily prolix and tedious? Because they
die late (dilate).
A lady asked a gentleman how old he was? He answered, "My age is what
you do in everything--excel" (XL).
My first I do, and my second--when I say you are my whole--I do not?
Love-lie (lovely).
What is that a woman frequently gives her lovely countenance to, yet
never takes kindly? The small-pox.
Who was the fastest runner in the world? Adam. How so? Because he was
first in the human race.
Who was the first to swear in this world? Eve. How so? When Adam asked
her if he might take a kiss, she said, I don't care A dam if you do.
When were walking-sticks first mentioned in the Bible? When Eve
presented Adam with a little Cain (cane).
Why had Eve no fear of the measles? Because she'd Adam (had'em)!
What fur did Adam and Eve wear? Bear (bare) skin.
Why was Herodias' daughter the _fastest_ girl mentioned in the New
Testament? Because she got _a-head_ of John the Baptist on a _charger_.
When is a lady deformed? When mending stockings, as then her hands are
where her tootsicums, her feet ought to be!
What is that which a young girl looks for, but does not wish to find? A
hole in her stocking!
Why is the proprietor of a balloon like a phantom? Because he's an
airy-naught (aeronaut).
Why is a fool in a high station like a man in a balloon? Because
everybody appears little to him, and he appears little to everybody!
Why is the flight of an eagle _also_ a most unpleasant sight to
witness? Because it's an eye-sore ('igh soar)!
Why do little birds in their nest agree? For fear of falling out.
Which of the feathered tribe can lift the heaviest weights? The crane.
And if you saw a peach with a bird on it, and you wished to get the
peach without disturbing the bird, what would you do? Do? why--wait
till he flew off.
Why is a steam engine at a fire an anomaly? Because it works and plays
at the same time.
Why is divinity the easiest of the three learned professions? Because
it's easier to preach than to practice.
Why are cripples, beggars, and such like, similar to shepherds and
fishermen? Because they live by hook and by crook.
My _first_ doth affliction denote,
Which my _second_ is destined to feel,
But my _whole_ is the sure antidote
That affliction to soothe and to heal.
Wo-man.
What one word will name the common parent of both beast and man? A-dam.
Take away one letter from me and I murder; take away two and I probably
shall die, if my whole does not save me? Kill--ill--skill.
What's the difference between a bee and a donkey? One gets all the
honey, the other gets all the whacks!
Where did the Witch of Endor live--and end-her days? At Endor!
What is the difference between a middle-aged cooper and a trooper of
the middle ages? The one is used to put a head on his cask, and the
other used to put a cask (casque) on his head!
Did King Charles consent to be executed with a cold chop? We have every
reason, my young friends, to believe so, for they most assuredly ax'd
him whether he would or no!
My _first_ if 'tis lost, music's not worth a straw;
My _second's_ most graceful (?) in old age or law,
Not to mention divines; but my _whole_ cares for neither,
Eats fruits and scares ladies in fine summer weather.
Ear-wig!
Which of Pio Nino's cardinals wears the largest hat? Why, the one with
the largest head, of course.
What composer's name can you give in three letters? R D T (Arditi).
Spell enemy in three letters! No, it's not N M E; you're wrong; try
again; it's F O E!
Spell auburn locks in two letters! S and Y.
Spell brandy in three letters! B R and Y, and O D V.
Which are the two most disagreeable letters if you get too much of
them? K N (cayenne).
When is a trunk like two letters of the alphabet? When it is M T
(empty).
What word of one syllable, if you take two letters from it, remains a
word of two syllables? Plague; ague.
Why is the letter E a gloomy and discontented vowel? Because, though
never out of health and pocket, it never appears in spirits.
How can you tell a girl of the name of Ellen that she is everything
that is delightful in eight letters? U-r-a-bu-t-l-n!
What is it that occurs twice in a moment, once in a minute, and not
once in a thousand years? The letter M.
Three letters three rivers proclaim;
Three letters an ode give to fame;
Three letters an attribute name;
Three letters a compliment claim.
Ex Wye Dee, L E G (elegy), Energy, and You excel!
Which is the richest and which the poorest letter in the alphabet? S
and T, because we always hear of La Rich_esse_ and La Pauvre_te_.
Why is A like twelve o'clock? You know, middle of day.
Why is a false friend like the letter P? Because, though always first
in pity, he is always last in help.
Why is the letter P like a Roman Emperor? Because it's Nero (near O).
The beginning of eternity,
The end of time and space,
The beginning of every end,
The end of every race?
Letter E.
Why is the letter D like a squalling child? Because it makes ma mad.
Why is the letter T like an amphibious animal? Because it lives both in
earth and water.
What letter of the Greek alphabet did the ex-King Otho probably last
think of on leaving Athens? Oh!-my-crown (omicron).
If Old Nick were to lose his tail, where would he go to supply the
deficiency? To a grog-shop, because there bad spirits are retailed.
Hold up your hand, and you will see what you never did see, never can
see, and never will see. What is this? That the little finger is not so
long as the middle finger.
Which were made first, elbows or knees? Knees--beasts were created
before men.
What is the difference between an auction and sea-sickness? One is a
sale of effects, the other the effects of a sail!
Why is credit not given at an auction? Because all goods brought to the
hammer must be paid for--on the nail!
What's the difference between "living in marble halls" and aboard ship?
In the former you have "vassals and serfs at your side," and in (what
the Greeks call _thalatta_) the latter you have vessels and surfs at
your side!
When are soldiers most admired by an infant? When they are abreast.
What sense pleases you most in an unpleasant acquaintance? Absence.
Why is a doleful face like the alternate parts taken by a choir? When
it is anti-funny (antiphony).
If all the seas were dried up, what would Neptune say? I really haven't
an ocean (a notion).
Why must a Yankee speculator be very subject to water on the brain?
Because he has always an ocean (a notion) in his head.
The night was dark, the night was damp;
St. Bruno read by his lonely lamp:
The Fiend dropped in to make a call,
As he posted away to a fancy ball;
And "Can't I find," said the Father of Lies,
"Some present a saint may not despise?"
Wine he brought him, such as yet
Was ne'er on Pontiff's table set:
Weary and faint was the holy man,
But he crossed with a cross the tempter's can,
And saw, ere my _first_ to his parched lip came,
That it was red with liquid flame.
Jewels he showed him--many a gem
Fit for a Sultan's diadem:
Dazzled, I trow, was the anchorite;
But he told his beads with all his might;
And instead of my _second_ so rich and rare,
A pinch of worthless dust lay there.
A lady at last he handed in,
With a bright black eye and a fair white skin;
The stern ascetic flung, 'tis said,
A ponderous missal at her head;
She vanished away; and what a smell
Of my _whole_, she left in the hermit's cell!
Brim-stone.
Why is a man looking for the philosopher's stone like Neptune? Because
he's a sea-king what never was!
Who do they speak of as the most delicately modest young man that ever
lived? The young man who, when bathing at Long Branch, swam out to sea
and drowned himself because he saw two ladies coming!
Why are seeds when sown like gate-posts? Because they propagate (prop a
gate).
What is the characteristic of a watch? Modesty, as it keeps its hands
before its face and runs down its own works!
When is a clock on the stairs dangerous? When it runs down!
What thing is that which is lengthened by being cut at both ends? A
ditch.
When is a newspaper like a delicate child? When it appears weekly.
Who are the two largest ladies in the United States? Miss Ouri and Mrs.
Sippi (Missouri and Mississippi).
What part of a locomotive train ought to have the most careful
attention? The tender part.
What is the difference between a premiere danseuse and a duck? One goes
quick on her beautiful legs, the other goes quack on her beautiful eggs.
Watching which dancer reminds you of an ancient law? Seeing the
Taglioni's legs reminds you forcibly of the legs Taglioni's (lex
talionis).
When may funds be supposed to be unsteady? When money is "tight."
My _first_ is what mortals ought to do;
My _second_ is what mortals have done;
My _whole_ is the result of my first.
Love-err (lover).
Why is fashion like a blank cartridge? Because it's all powder and puff!
Why is a man with a great many servants like an oyster? Because he's
eat out of house and home.
Why is the fourth of July like oysters? Because we can't enjoy them
without crackers.
Why was General Washington childless? Because a nation might call him
father.
Why is a very pretty, well-made, fashionable girl like a thrifty
housekeeper? Because she makes a great bustle about a small waist.
Why are ladies' dresses about the waist like a political meeting?
Because there is a gathering there, and always more bustle than
necessary.
Why is a young lady's bustle like an historical tale? Because it's a
fiction founded on fact.
What game does a lady's bustle resemble? Back-gammon.
Why does a girl lace herself so tight to go out to dinner? Because she
hears much stress laid on "Grace before meat!"
Why are women's _corsets_ the greatest speculators in the bills of
mortality? Because they contract--to kill.
A stranger comes from foreign shores,
Perchance to seek relief;
Curtail him, and you find his tail
Unworthy of belief;
Curtailed again, you recognize
An old Egyptian chief.
Alien--A lie--Ali.
From a number that's odd cut off the head, it then will even be;
its tail, I pray, next take away, your mother then you'll see.
Seven--even--Eve.
What piece of coin is double its value by deducting its half?
Half-penny!
Make V. (five) less by adding to it. IV. (four).
What is the difference between a tight boot and an oak tree? One makes
acorns, the other--makes corns ache.
Why does the east wind never blow straight? Because it blows oblique
(blows so bleak).
What would be an appropriate exclamation for a man to make when cold,
in a boat, out fishing? When, D. V., we get off this _eau_, we'll have
some eau-d-v.
How would you increase the speed of a very slow boat? Make her fast.
What should put the idea of drowning into your head if it be freezing
when you are on the briny deep? Because you would wish to "scuttle" the
ship if the air was coal'd.
What sort of an anchor has a toper an anchoring after? An anker (just
ten gallons) of brandy.
Why was Moses the wickedest man that ever lived? Because he broke all
the ten commandments at once.
Why should a candle-maker never be pitied? Because all his works are
wicked; and all his wicked works, when brought to light, are only made
light of.
Why can a fish never be in the dark? Because of his parafins (pair o'
fins).
When is a candle like an ill-conditioned, quarrelsome man? When it is
put out before it has time to flare up and blaze away.
Why is love like a candle? Because the longer it burns the less it
becomes.
Why is the blessed state of matrimony like an invested city? Because
when out of it we wish to be in it, and when in it we wish to be out of
it.
Why are sentries like day and night? Because when one comes the other
goes.
When does the eagle turn carpenter? When he soars (saws) across the
woods--and plains.
We beg leave to ax you which of a carpenter's tools is coffee-like? An
ax with a dull edge, because it must be ground before it can be used.
When is a carpenter like a circumstance? When he alters cases.
How many young ladies does it take to reach from New York to
Philadelphia? About one hundred, because a Miss is as good as a mile.
Tell us why it is vulgar to send a telegram? Because it is making use
of flash language.
Why is a spider a good correspondent? Because he drops a line by every
post.
What is the difference between a correspondent and a co-respondent? One
is a man who does write, and the other a man who does wrong.
O tell us what kind of servants are best for hotels? The
Inn-experienced.
Why is a waiter like a race-horse? Because he runs for cups, and
plates, and steaks (stakes).
What sort of a day would be a good one to run for a cup? A muggy one.
Why are sugar-plums like race-horses? Because the more you lick them
the faster they go.
What extraordinary kind of meat is to be bought in the Isle of Wight?
Mutton from Cowes.
Why ought a greedy man to wear a plaid waistcoat? To keep a check on
his stomach.
What wine is both food and drink? Port wine with a crust.
When a church is burning, what is the only part that runs no chance of
being saved? The organ, because the engine can't play upon it.
When does a farmer double up a sheep without hurting it? When he folds
it.
When are sheep stationery? When turned into pens, and into paper when
fold-ed.
Why are circus-horses such slow goers? Because they are taught-'orses
(tortoises).
I am forever, yet was never. Eternity.
Why is a railroad-car like a bed-bug? Because it runs on sleepers.
Why is it impossible for a man to boil his father thoroughly. Because
he can only be par-boiled.
What soup would cannibals prefer? The broth of a boy.
Why is an old coat like iron? Because it is a specimen of hard-ware.
Place three sixes together, so as to make seven. 6 6-6.
Add one to nine and make it twenty. IX--cross the _I_, it makes XX.
My first of anything is half,
My second is complete;
And so remains until once more
My first and second meet.
Semi-circle.
Why is lip-salve like a duenna? Because it's meant to keep the chaps
off!
Why are the bars of a convent like a blacksmith's apron? Because they
keep the sparks off!
Apropos of convents, what man had no father? Joshua, the son of Nun!
Why is confessing to a father confessor like killing bees. Because you
unbuzz-em (unbosom)!
Why, when you are going out of town, does a railroad conductor cut a
hole in your ticket? To let you pass through.
What is that which never asks questions, yet requires many answers? The
door-knocker.
How many cows' tails would it take to reach from New York to Boston,
upon the rule of eleven and five-eighth inches to the foot, and having
all the ground leveled between the two places? One, if it was long
enough.
What is the only form in this world which all nations, barbarous,
civilized, and otherwise, are agreed upon following? The female form.
What is the greatest instance on record of the power of the magnet? A
young lady, who drew a gentleman thirteen miles and a half every Sunday
of his life.
When are handcuffs like knapsacks? When made for two-wrists (tourists).
What is that which, when you are going over the White Mountains, goes
up-hill and down-hill, and all over everywhere, yet never moves? The
road.
Why is a coach going down a steep hill like St. George? Because it's
always drawn with the drag-on.
When are babies traveling abroad? When going to Brest.
Name the most unsociable things in the world? Milestones; for you never
see two of them together.
What is the cheapest way of procuring a fiddle? Buy some castor-oil and
you will get a vial in (violin).
What is that which every one wishes, and yet wants to get rid of as
soon as it is obtained? A good appetite.
When is an old lady like a trout. When she takes a fly that brings her
to the bank.
What is the differedce betweed ad orgadist ad the influedza? Wud dose
the stops, the other stops the dose.
What is it gives a cold, cures a cold, and pays the doctor's bill?
A draft.
What is a good sleeping-draught? Taking a doze.
Why is a man clearing a hedge at a single bound like one snoring?
Because he does it in his leap (his sleep).
Why are ladies--whether sleeping on sofas or not--like hinges? Because
they are things to a door (adore).
Why is a door that refuses to open or shut properly like a man unable
to walk, his leg being broken? Because both cases are the result of a
hinge-awry (injury)!
What relation is the door-mat to the door-step? A step-farther.
Why is a door always in the subjunctive mood? Because it's always wood
(would)--or should be.
There was a carpenter who made a cupboard-door; it proved too big; he
cut it, and unfortunately then he cut it too little; he thereupon cut
it again and made it fit beautifully; how was this? He didn't cut it
enough the first time.
Why is an actress like an angel? Because we never see one but what is
painted.
Why are your eyes like post-horses? Because they are continually under
the lashes.
My _first_ was one of high degree,--
So thought he.
He fell in love with the Lady Blank,
With her eyes so bright and form so lank.
She was quite the beauty to his mind,
And had two little pages tripping behind,
But Lady Blank was already wed;
And 'twas said
That her lord had made a jealous shock.
So he kept her in with his wonderful lock.
My _second_ hung dangling by his side,
With two little chains by which it was tied.
The lady unto her lover spoke:
(A capital joke),
"If you can pick that terrible lock,
Then at my chamber you may knock;
I'll open my door in good disguise,
And you shall behold my two little eyes."
Said the nobleman of high degree:
"Let--me--see!
I know none so clever at these little jobs,
As the Yankee mechanic, John Hobbs, John Hobbs;
I'll send for him, and he shall undo,
In two little minutes the door to you."
At night John Hobbs he went to work,
And with a jerk
Turn'd back the lock, and called to my _first_,
To see that my _second_ the ward had burst--
When my _first_, with delight he opened the door,
There came from within a satirical roar,
For my _first_ and my _whole_ stood face to face,
A queer-looking pair in a queer-looking place.
Don-key.
Why is a leaky barrel like a coward? Because it runs.
Why are good resolutions like fainting ladies? Because they want
carrying out.
Take away my first letter, I remain unchanged; take away my second
letter, there is no apparent alteration in me; take away all my letters
and I still continue unchanged. The postman.
Why is love always represented as a child? Because he never reaches the
age of discretion.
Why is love like a canal-boat? Because it's an internal transport.
Why is a new-born baby like a storm? Because it begins with a squall.
O'Donoghue came to the hermit's cell;
He climbed the ladder, he pulled the bell;
"I have ridden," said he, "with the saint to dine
On his richest meal and his reddest wine."
The hermit hastened my _first_ to fill
With water from the limpid rill;
And "drink," quoth he, of the "juice, brave knight,
Which breeds no fever, and prompts no fight."
The hermit hastened my _second_ to spread
With stalks of lettuce and crusts of bread;
And "taste," quoth he, "of the cates, fair guest,
Which bring no surfeit, and break no rest."
Hasty and hungry the chief explored
My _whole_ with the point of his ready sword,
And found, as yielded the latch and lock,
A pasty of game and a flagon of hock.
Cup-board.
When is a school-master like a man with one eye? When he has a vacancy
for a pupil.
Why are dogs and cats like school-masters and their pupils? Because one
is of the canine (canin'), the other of the feline (feelin') species.
Why will seeing a school-boy being thoroughly well switched bring to
your lips the same exclamation as seeing a man lifting down half a pig,
hanging from a hook? Because he's a pork-reacher (poor creature).
Apropos of pork hanging, what should a man about to be hung have for
breakfast? A hearty-choke (artichoke) and a _h_oister (oyster).
Why is a wainscoted room like a reprieve? Because it saves hanging.
Why is the hangman's noose like a box with nothing in it? Because it's
hemp-tie (empty).
Why is a man hung better than a vagabond? Because he has visible means
of support.
My _first_ is a thing, though not very bewitchin',
Is of infinite use when placed in the kitchen;
My _second's_ a song, which, though a strange thing,
No one person living could ever yet sing;
My _whole_ is a man, who's a place in the City,
But the last of his race you'd apply to for pity?
Jack Catch!
Mention the name of an object which has two heads, one tail, four legs
on one side, and two on the other? A lady on horseback.
Why is a four-quart jug like a lady's side-saddle? Because it holds a
gall-on.
How do angry women prove themselves strong-nerved? They exhibit their
"presents of mind" by "giving you a bit of it!"
How is it you can never tell a lady's real hysterics from her sham
ones? Because, in either case, it's a feint (faint).
When may ladies who are enjoying themselves be said to look wretched?
When at the opera, as then they are in tiers (tears).
When is a man like a green gooseberry? When a woman makes a fool of him.
What kind of a book might a man wish his wife to resemble? An almanac;
for then he could have a new one every year.
When is a bonnet not a bonnet? When it becomes a pretty woman.
What, as milliners say, is "the sweetest thing in bonnets?" A lady's
two-lips.
There is a noun of plural number,
Foe to peace and tranquil slumber;
But add to it the letter s,
And--wond'rous metamorphosis--
Plural is plural now no more,
And sweet what bitter was before?
Cares--caress.
If you were kissing a young lady, who was very spooney (and a nice,
ladel-like girl), what would be her opinion of newspapers during the
operation? She wouldn't want any _Spectators_, nor _Observers_, but
plenty of _Times_.
Look in the papers, I'm sure to appear;
Look in the oven, perhaps I am there;
Sometimes I assist in promoting a flame,
Sometimes I extinguish--now, reader, my name?
Puff.
If a bear were to go into a dry-goods store, what would he want?
Muzzlin' (muslin).
When my first is broken, it stands in need of my second, and my whole
is part of a lady's dress? Rib-band.
Let us inquire why a vine is like a soldier? Because it is 'listed,
trained, has tendrils, and then shoots.
Why is a blacksmith the most likely person to make money by causing the
alphabet to quarrel? Because he makes A poke-R and shove-L, and gets
paid for so doing?
If the poker, shovel, and tongs cost $7.75, what would a ton of coals
come to? To ashes.
What part of a lady's dress can a blacksmith make? No, no, not her
crinoline; guess again; why, her-mits. [Nonsense, we don't mean
hermits; we mean he can make an anchor right (anchorite).]
Why is a blacksmith the most dissatisfied of all mechanics? Because he
is always on the strike for wages.
What is the difference between photography and the whooping-cough? One
makes fac similes, the other sick families.
Why is a wide-awake hat so called? Because it never had a nap, and
never wants any.
What is the difference between a young lady and a wide-awake hat? One
has feeling, the other is felt.
One of the most "wide-awake" people we ever heard of was a "one-eyed
beggar," who bet a friend he could see more with his one eye than the
friend could see with two. How was this? Because he saw his friend's
two eyes, whilst the other only saw his one.
What is worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing omnibuses.
Why is an umbrella like a pancake? Because it's seldom seen after Lent.
Why is a washerwoman like Saturday? Because she brings in the clothes
(close) of the week.
Why is a washerwoman the most cruel person in the world? Because she
daily wrings men's bosoms.
Why are laundresses no better than idiots? Because they try to catch
soft water when it rains hard.
Who is the oldest lunatic on record? Time out of mind.
I am a good state, there can be no doubt of it;
But those who are in, entirely are out of it.
Sane--insane.
When is a man more than one man? When he's one beside himself.
What is better than presence of mind in a railroad accident? Absence of
body.
What is the difference between the punctual arrival of a train and a
collision? One is quite an accident, the other isn't!
Why are ladies who wear large crinolines ugly? Because they are not
even passable.
How many people does a termagant of a wife make herself and worser half
amount to? Ten: herself, 1; husband, 0--total, 10.
What is the superlative of temper? Tempest?
What author would eye-glasses and spectacles mention to the world if
they could only speak? You see by us (Eusebius)!
Why is a wax candle like Mr. Dickens'--the immortal Dickens'--last
book? Because it's a cereal (serial) work.
If you suddenly saw a house on fire, what three celebrated authors
would you feel at once disposed to name? Dickens--Howitt--Burns.
When is a slug like a poem of Tennyson's? When it's in a garden ("Enoch
Arden")!
What question of three words may be asked Tennyson concerning a brother
poet, the said question consisting of the names of three poets only?
Watt's Tupper's Wordsworth (what's Tupper's words worth)?
Name the difference between a field of oats and M. F. Tupper? One is
cut down, the other cut up!
How do we know Lord Byron did not wear a wig? Because every one admired
his coarse-hair (corsair) so much!
Why ought Shakespeare's dramatic works be considered unpopular? Because
they contain Much Ado About Nothing.
Why was Dickens a greater man than Shakespeare? Because Shakespeare
wrote well, but Dickens wrote Weller.
Why are apples like printers' types? Because they are often in _pi(e)_.
How do we know Lord Byron was good-tempered? Because he always kept his
choler (collar) down!
How can you instantly convict one of error when stating who was the
earliest poet? By mentioning one Prior.
What is the most melancholy fact in the history of Milton? That he
could "recite" his poems, but not resight himself!
Why do we speak of poetic fire? Because, if the ancient Scandinavians
had their "Scalds," we have also had our Burns!
If a tough beef-steak could speak, what English poet would it mention?
Chaw-sir (Chaucer)!
Why has Hanlon, the gymnast, such a wonderful digestion? Because he
lives on ropes and poles, and thrives.
If Hanlon fell off his trapeze, what would he fall against? Why, most
certainly against his inclination.
What song would a little dog sing who was blown off a ship at sea? "My
Bark is on the Sea."
What did the sky-terrier do when he came out of the ark? He went
smelling about for ere-a-rat (Ararat) that was there to be found.
What did the tea-kettle say when tied to the little dog's tail? "After
you!"
What did the pistol-ball say to the wounded duelist? "I hope I give
satisfaction."
What is the difference between an alarm bell put on a window at night
and half an oyster? One is shutter-bell, the other but a shell.
I am borne on the gale in the stillness of night,
A sentinel's signal that all is not right.
I am not a swallow, yet skim o'er the wave;
I am not a doctor, yet patients I save;
When the sapling has grown to a flourishing tree,
It finds a protector henceforward in me?
Bark!
Why is a little dog's tail like the heart of a tree? Because it's
farthest from the bark.
Why are the Germans like quinine and gentian? Because they are two
tonics (Teutonics).
My first is a prop, my second's a prop, and my whole is a prop? A
foot-stool.
My _first_ I hope you are,
My _second_ I see you are,
My _whole_ I know you are.
Wel-come.
My first is not, nor is my second, and there is no doubt that, until
you have guessed this puzzle, you may reckon it my whole? Non-plus.
What is the difference between killed soldiers and repaired garments?
The former are dead men, and the latter are mended (dead).
Why is a worn-out shoe like ancient Greece? Because it once had a Solon
(sole on).
Why is swearing aloud like an old coat? Because it's a bad habit.
What's the difference between a man and his tailor, when the former is
in prison at the latter's suit? He's let him in, and he won't let him
out.
When does a man double his capital? When he makes one pound two every
day.
You don't know what the exact antipodes to Ireland is? You mean to
say you don't? Nonsense. Why, suppose we were to bore a hole exactly
through the earth, starting from Dublin, and you went in at this end,
where would you come out? Where would you come out? why, out of the
hole, to be sure.
What is the difference between a Roman Catholic priest and a Baptist?
One uses wax candles--the other dips!
What is the difference between a Roman Catholic priest and Signor
Mario? One sings mass in white, and the other mass in yellow
(Masaniello).
Why, when you paint a man's portrait, may you be described as stepping
into his shoes? Because you make his feet-yours (features).
What is the very best and cheapest light, especially for painters?
Daylight.
Why should painters never allow children to go into their studios?
Because of them easels (the measles) which are there.
Why is it not extraordinary to find a painter's studio as hot as an
oven? Because it is there he makes his bread.
Why may a beggar wear a very short coat? Because it will be long enough
before he gets another.
Where should you feel for the poor? In your pocket, to be sure.
What is the best way of making a coat last? Make the trousers and
waistcoat first.
Talking about waistcoats, why was Balaam like a Lifeguardsman? Because
he went about with his queer ass (cuirass).
In what tongue did Balaam's donkey speak? Probably in he-bray-ic
(Hebraic).
If you become surety at a police-court for the reappearance of
prisoners, why are you like the most extraordinary ass that ever lived?
Because you act the part of a donkey to bail 'em (Balaam).
Why is the Apollo Belvidere like a piece of new music? Because it's a
new ditty in its tone (a nudity in stone).
I am white, and I'm brown; I am large, and I'm small;
Male and female I am, and yet that's not all--
I've a head without brains, and a mouth without wit;
I can stand without legs, but I never can sit.
Although I've no mind, I am false and I'm true,
Can be faithful and constant to time and to you;
I am praised and I'm blamed for faults not my own,
But I feel both as little as if I were stone.
A bust.
When does a sculptor explode in strong convulsions? When he makes faces
and--and--busts!
Why was "Uncle Tom's Cabin" not written by a female hand? Because it
was written by Mrs. Beecher's toe (Stowe).
Why is intoxication like a slop bowl? 'Cos it am de-basin' (debasing)!
When my first is my last, like a Protean elf,
Will black become white, and a part of yourself?
Ebon--bone.
Why is a short negro like a lady's light-blue organdy muslin dress,
when it is trimmed with poppies and corn-flowers, and she wears it at a
Monday hop? Because he's not at-all black!
Why is a black man necessarily a conjurer? Because he's a negro-man-sir
(necromancer).
Apropos of blacks, why is a shoe-black like an editor? Because he
polishes the understandings of his patrons.
What is that which is black, white, and red all over, which shows some
people to be green, and makes others look black and blue? A newspaper.
[Some wag said that when he wanted to see if any of his friends were
married, he looked in the "news of the weak!"]
When is a newspaper the sharpest? When it is filed.
Why is a newspaper like an army? Because it has leaders, columns, and
reviews.
Why are little boys that loaf about the docks like hardware merchants?
Because they sell iron and steel (steal) for a living.
ECHOES.
What must be done to conduct a newspaper right? Write.
What is necessary to a farmer to assist him? System.
What would give a blind man the greatest delight. Light.
What is the best advice to give a justice of the peace? Peace.
Who commits the greatest abominations? Nations.
Who is the greatest terrifier? Fire.
Why is Joseph Gillott a very bad man? Because he wishes to accustom the
public to steel (steal) pens, and then tries to persuade them that they
do (right) write.
Ever eating, ever cloying,
Never finding full repast,
All devouring, all destroying,
Till it eats the world at last?
Fire.
What is that which, though black itself, enlightens the world? Ink.
When is a sailor not a sailor? When he's a-board.
If you drive a nail in a board and clinch it on the other side, why is
it like a sick man? Because it is in firm.
Why is the steeple of St. Paul's church like Ireland? Because there is
a bell fast (Belfast) in it.
Why is a pretty young lady like a wagon-wheel? Because she is
surrounded by felloes (fellows).
What mechanic never turns to the left? A wheelwright.
Why is opening a letter like taking a very queer method of getting into
a room? Because it is breaking through the sealing (ceiling).
Why are persons with short memories like office-holders? Because they
are always for-getting everything.
Do you rem-ember ever to have heard what the embers of the expiring
year are called? Nov-ember and Dec-ember.
What word is it which expresses two things we men all wish to get, one
bringing the other, but which if we do get them the one bringing the
other, we are unhappy? Miss-fortune!
Why is it dangerous to take a nap in a train? Because the cars
invariably run over sleepers.
Why are suicides invariably successful people in the world? Because
they always manage to accomplish their own ends.
Why are the "blue devils" like muffins? Because they are both fancy
bred (bread).
What would be a good epitaph on a duckling just dead? Peas (peace) to
its remains!
Why should the "evil one" make a good husband? Because the deuce can
never be-tray!
Why is money often moist? Because it's frequently dew (due) in the
morning, and mist (missed) at night.
What part of a lady's face in January is like a celebrated fur?
Chin-chilly!
What's the difference between a calf and a lady who lets her dress
draggle in the mud? One sucks milk, the other--unfortunately for our
boots--mucks silk.
What is the best word of command to give a lady who is crossing a muddy
road? Dress up in front, close (clothes) up behind.
What is that from which you may take away the whole, and yet have some
left? The word whole-some.
Complete, you'll own, I commonly am seen
On garments new, and old, the rich, the mean;
On ribbons gay I court your admiration,
But yet I'm oft a cause for much vexation
To those on whom I make a strong impression;
The meed, full oft, of folly or transgression;
Curtail me, I become a slender shred,
And 'tis what I do before I go to bed,
But an excursion am without my head;
Again complete me, next take off my head,
Then will be seen a savory dish instead;
Again behead me, and, without dissection,
I'm what your fruit is when in full perfection;
Curtailed--the verb to tear appears quite plain;
Take head and tail off,--I alone remain.
Stripe; strip; trip; tripe; ripe; rip; I.
Why is an artist stronger than a horse? Because he can draw the capitol
at Washington all by himself, and take it clean away in his pocket if
necessary.
Apropos of money, etc., why are lawyers such uneasy sleepers? Because
they lie first on one side, and then on the other, and remain wide
awake all the time.
And what do they do when they die? Lie still.
When is a lawyer like a donkey? When drawing a conveyance.
What proverb must a lawyer not act up to? He must not take the will for
the deed.
Those who have me do not wish for me;
Those who have me do not wish to lose me;
Those who gain me have me no longer;
Law-suit.
If an attorney sent his clerk to a client with a bill and the client
tells him to "go to the d----l," where does the clerk go? Straight back
to the lawyer.
Un filou peut-il prendre pour devise, Honneur à Dieu? Non, car il faut
qu'il dise, Adieu honneur.
Why will scooping out a turnip be a noisy process? Because it makes it
hollow.
What is the difference between a choir-master and ladies' dresses,
A. D. 1869? The one trains a choir, the others acquire trains.
When is sugar like a pig's tooth? When in a hog's head.
If you met a pig in tears, what animal's name might you mention to it?
Pork you pine.
The proverb says, "One swallow does not make Spring;" when is the
proverb wrong? When the swallow is one gulp at a big boiling hot cup
of tea in a railway station, as, if that one swallow does not make one
spring, we should be glad to hear what does.
How many Spanish noblemen does it take to make one American run?
Ten-dons!
What is that which we all swallow before we speak? Pap!
Enigma guessers, tell me what I am.
I've been a drake, a fox, a hare, a lamb--
You all possess me, and in every street
In varied shape and form with me you'll meet;
With Christians I am never single known,
Am green, or scarlet, brown, white, gray, or stone.
I dwelt in Paradise with Mother Eve,
And went with her, when she, alas! did leave.
To Britain with Caractacus I came,
And made Augustus Cæsar known to fame.
The lover gives me on his wedding-day,
The poet writes me in his natal lay;
The father always gives me to each son,
It matters not if he has twelve or one;
But has he daughters?--then 'tis plainly shown
That I to them am seldom but a loan.
Name.
What is that which belongs to yourself, yet is used by every one more
than yourself? Your name.
What tongue is it that frequently hurts and grieves you, and yet does
not speak a word? The tongue of your shoe.
What's the difference between the fire coming out of a steamship's
chimney and the steam coming out of a flannel shirt airing? One is the
flames from the funnel, the other the fumes from the flannel.
Why is a Joint Company not like a watch? Because it does _not_ go on
after it is wound up!
When may a man be said to be personally involved? When he is wrapped up
in himself.
Why ought golden sherry to suit tipplers? Because it's topers' (topaz)
color.
What was it gave the Indian eight and ten-legged gods their name of
Manitous? Why, their many toes, of course!
What should a man's wife be like? A lamb; young, playful, tender,
nicely dressed, and with--"mint" sauce!
Why should we pity the young Exquimaux? Because each one of them is
born to blubber!
What kind of a hen lays the longest? A dead hen.
Why _does_ a man permit himself to be henpecked? Because he's
chicken-hearted!
What wind should a hungry sailor wish for? One that blows fowl and
chops about.
Why is your considering yourself handsome like a chicken? Because it's
a matter of a-pinion (opinion)!
What is the difference between a hen and an idle musician? One lays at
pleasure; the other plays at leisure.
Why would a compliment from a chicken be an insult? Because it would be
in fowl (foul) language!
What is the difference between a chicken who can't hold its head up and
seven days? One is a weak one, and the other is one week.
Why are book-keepers like chickens? Because they have to scratch for a
living.
Why is an aristocratic seminary for young ladies like a flower garden?
Because it's a place of haughty culture (horticulture)!
Why are young ladies born deaf sure to be more exemplary than young
ladies not so afflicted? Because they have never erred (heard) in their
lives!
Why are deaf people like India shawls? Because you can't make them here
(hear)!
Why is an undutiful son like one born deaf? Because your voice is lost
upon him!
What is the difference between a spendthrift and a pillow? One is hard
up, the other is soft down!
Which is the more valuable, a five-dollar note or five gold dollars?
The note, because when you put it in your pocket you double it, and
when you take it out again you see it increases.
It is often asked who introduced salt pork into the Navy. Noah, when he
took Ham into the Ark.
Who was the first man? Chap. I.--mentioned in Genesis.
Who took in the first newspapers? Cain took A-Bell's Life, and Joshua
countermanded the Sun.
Why was Noah obliged to stoop on entering the Ark? Because, although
the Ark was high, Noah was a higher ark (hierarch).
In what place did the cock crow so loud that all the world heard him?
In the Ark.
What animal took the most luggage in the Ark, and which the least? The
elephant, who had his trunk, while the fox and the cock had only a
brush and comb between them.
Some one mentioning that "columba" was the Latin for a "dove," it gave
rise to the following: What is the difference between the Old World and
the New? The former was discovered by Columba, who started from Noah;
the latter by Columbus, who started from Ge-noa.
What became of Lot when his wife was turned into a pillar of salt? He
took a fresh one.
What's the difference between a specimen of plated goods and Columbus?
One is a dish-cover, the other a dis(h)coverer.
What is the best way to hide a bear; it doesn't matter how big he
is--bigger the better? Skin him.
I was before man, I am over his doom,
And I dwell on his mind like a terrible gloom.
In my garments the whole Creation I hold,
And these garments no being but God can unfold.
Look upward to heaven I baffle your view,
Look into the sea and your sight I undo.
Look back to the Past--I appear like a power,
That locks up the tale of each unnumbered hour.
Look forth to the Future, my finger will steal
Through the mists of the night, and affix its dread seal.
Ask the flower why it grows, ask the sun why it shines,
Ask the gems of the earth why they lie in its mines;
Ask the earth why it flies through the regions of space,
And the moon why it follows the earth in its race;
And each object my name to your query shall give,
And ask you again why you happened to live.
The world to disclose me pays terrible cost,
Yet, when I'm revealed, I'm instantly lost.
Mystery.
Why is a Jew in a fever like a diamond? Because he's a Jew-ill (jewel).
Why is a rakish Hebrew like this joke? Because he's a Jew de spree (jeu
d'esprit).
What is the difference between Solomon and Rothschild? One was king of
the Jews, the other Jew of the kings.
Why are lawyers like shears? Because they don't cut each other, but
only what comes between them.
Why is the law like a flight of rockets? Because there is a great
expense of powder, the cases are well got up, the reports are
excellent, but the sticks are sure to come to the ground.
Which is the smallest bridge in the world? The bridge of your nose.
What is the most difficult river on which to get a boat? Arno, because
they're Arno boats there.
What poem of Hood's resembles a tremendous Roman nose? The bridge of
size (sighs).
Why is conscience like the check-string of a carriage? Because it's an
inward check on the outward man.
I seldom speak, but in my sleep;
I never cry, but sometimes weep;
Chameleon-like, I live on air,
And dust to me is dainty fare?
The nose.
What snuff-taker is that whose box gets fuller the more pinches he
takes? The snuffers.
Why are your nose and chin constantly at variance? Because words are
continually passing between them.
Why is the nose on your face like the _v_ in "civility?" Because it's
between two eyes.
Name that which with only one eye put out has but a nose left. Noise.
What is that which you can go nowhere without, and yet is of no use to
you? Noise.
What is that which stands fast, yet sometimes runs fast? The nose.
When has a man four hands? When he doubles his fists.
The tea-things were gone, and round grandpapa's chair
The young people tumultuously came;
"Now give us a puzzle, dear grandpa," they cried;
"An enigma, or some pretty game."
"You shall have an enigma--a puzzling one, too,"
Said the old man, with fun in his eye;
"You all know it well; it is found in this room;
Now, see who'll be first to reply:"
1. In a bright sunny clime was the place of my birth,
Where flourished and grew on my native earth;
2. And my parents' dear side ne'er left for an hour
Until gain-seeking man got me into his power--
3. When he bore me away o'er the wide ocean wave,
And now daily and hourly to serve him I slave.
4. I am used by the weakly to keep them from cold,
5. And the nervous and timid I tend to make bold;
6. To destruction sometimes I the heedless betray,
7. Or may shelter the head from the heat of the day.
8. I am placed in the mouth to make matters secure,
9. But that none wish to eat me I feel pretty sure.
10. The minds of the young I oft serve to amuse,
While the blood through their systems I freely diffuse;
11. And in me may the representation be seen
Of the old ruined castle, or church on the green.
What Egyptian official would a little boy mention if he were to call
his mother to the window to see something wonderful? Mammy-look
(Mameluke).
What's the difference between a Bedouin Arab and a milkman in a large
way of business? One has high dromedaries, the other has hired roomy
dairies (higher dromedaries).
Why was the whale that swallowed Jonah like a milkman who has retired
on an independence? Because he took a great profit (prophet) out of the
water.
What's the difference between Charles Kean and Jonah? One was brought
up at Eton, the other was eaten and brought up.
I've led the powerful to deeds of ill,
And to the good have given determined will.
In battle-fields my flag has been outspread,
Amid grave senators my followers tread.
A thousand obstacles impede my upward way,
A thousand voices to my claim say, "Nay;"
For none by me have e'er been urged along,
But envy follow'd them and breath'd a tale of wrong.
Yet struggling upward, striving still to be
Worshiped by millions--by the bond and free;
I've fought my way, and on the hills of Fame,
The trumpet's blast pronounced the loud acclaim.
When by the judgment of the world I've been
Hurl'd from the heights my eyes have scarcely seen,
And I have found the garland o'er my head
Too frail to live--my home was with the dead.
Ambition.
Why was Oliver Cromwell like Charles Kean? Give it up, do; you don't
know it; you can't guess it. Why?--because he was--Kean after Charles.
What is the difference between a soldier and a fisherman? One
bayonets--the other nets a bay.
Ladies who wish the married state to gain,
May learn a lesson from this brief charade;
And proud are we to think our humble muse
May in such vital matters give them aid.
The Lady B---- (we must omit the name)
Was tall in stature and advanced in years,
And leading long a solitary life
Oft grieved her, even to the fall of tears.
At length a neighbor, bachelor, and old,
But not too old to match the Lady B----,
Feeling his life monotonous and cold,
Proposed to her that they should wedded be.
Proposed, and was accepted--need we say?
Even the wedding-day and dress were named;
And gossips' tongues had conn'd the matter o'er--
Some praised the union, others strongly blamed.
The Lady B----, whose features were my _first_,
Was well endowed with beauties that are rare,
Well read, well spoken--had, indeed, a mind
With which few of the sex called tender can compare.
But the old bachelor had all the ways
Of one grown fidgety in solitude;
And he at once in matters not his own
Began unseemly and untimely to intrude.
What is the difference between a cloud and a whipped child? One pours
with rain, the other roars with pain!
When will water stop running down hill? Why, when it gets to the bottom.
Why are doctors always wicked men? Because the worse people are the
more they are with them!
If a dirty sick man be ordered to wash to get well, why is it like four
letters of the alphabet? Because it's soapy cure (it's o-p-q-r)!
What sort of a medical man is a horse that never tumbles down like? An
'ack who's sure (accoucheur)!
My father was a slippery lad, and died 'fore I was born,
My ancestors lived centuries before I gained my form.
I always lived by sucking, I ne'er ate any bread,
I wasn't good for anything till after I was dead.
They bang'd and they whang'd me, they turned me outside in,
They threw away my body, saved nothing but my skin.
When I grew old and crazy--was quite worn out and thin,
They tore me all to pieces, and made me up again.
And then I traveled up and down the country for a teacher,
To some of those who saw me, I was good as any preacher.
Flax.
Why is a jeweler like a screeching florid singer? Because he pierces
the ears for the sake of ornament!
What sort of music should a girl sing whose voice is cracked and
broken? Pieces!
Why is an old man's head like a song "executed" (murdered) by an
indifferent singer? Because it's often terribly bawled (bald)!
What is better than an indifferent singer in a drawing-room after
dinner? A different one.
Why is a school-mistress like the letter C? Because she forms lasses
into classes.
If an egg were found on a music-stool, what poem of Sir Walter Scott's
would it remind you of? The Lay of the Last Minstrel.
Why would an owl be offended at your calling him a pheasant? Because
you would be making game of him!
John Smith, Esq., went out shooting, and took his interestingly
sagacious pointer with him; this noble quadrupedal, and occasionally
graminiverous specimen, went not before, went not behind, nor on one
side of him; then where did the horrid brute go? Why, on the other side
of him, of course.
My _first_, a messenger of gladness;
My _last_, an instrument of sadness;
My _whole_ looked down upon my last and smiled--
Upon a wretch disconsolate and wild.
But when my _whole_ looked down and smiled no more,
That wretch's frenzy and his pain were o'er.
Sun-beam.
Why is a bad hat like a fierce snarling pup dog? Because it snaps (its
nap's) awful.
My _first_ is my _second_ and my _whole_. Pa-pa.
How is it the affections of young ladies, notwithstanding they may
protest and vow constancy, are always doubtful? Because they are only
miss givings.
Why is a hunted fox like a Puseyite? Because he's a tracked-hairy-un
(tractarian).
Why did Du Chaillu get so angry when he was quizzed about the gorilla?
Because his monkey was up!
What's the difference between the cook at an eating-house and Du
Chaillu? One lives by the gridiron, the other by the g'riller.
Why is the last conundrum like a monkey? Because it is far fetched and
full of nonsense.
My first, loud chattering, through the air,
Bounded 'mid tree-tops high,
Then saw his image mirror'd, where
My second murmured by.
Taking it for a friend, he strayed
T'wards where the stream did roll,
And was the sort of fool that's made
The first day of my whole.
Ape-ril (1).
What grows the less tired the more it works? A carriage-wheel.
Which would you rather, look a greater fool than you are, or be a
greater fool than you look? Let a person choose, then say, "That's
impossible."
What was Joan of Arc made of? She was--we have every reason to
believe--Maid of Orleans!
Which would you rather, that a lion ate you or a tiger? Why, you would
rather that the lion ate the tiger, of course!
When does a leopard change his spots? When he moves from one spot to
another!
I paint without colors, I fly without wings,
I people the air with most fanciful things;
I hear sweetest music where no sound is heard,
And eloquence moves me, nor utters a word.
The past and the present together I bring,
The distant and near gather under my wing.
Far swifter than lightning my wonderful flight,
Through the sunshine of day, or the darkness of night;
And those who would find me, must find me, indeed,
As this picture they scan, and this poesy read.
Imagination.
A pudding-bag is a pudding-bag, and a pudding-bag has what everything
else has; what is it? A name.
What vegetable does a lady's tongue resemble? The scarlet runner!
Why was it, as an old woman in a scarlet cloak was crossing a field in
which a goat was browsing, that a most wonderful metamorphosis took
place? Because the goat turned to butter (butt her), and the antique
party to a scarlet runner!
What is the most wonderful animal in the farm-yard? A pig, because he
is killed and then cured!
Why does a stingy German like mutton better than venison? Because he
prefers "zat vich is sheep to zat vich is deer."
Which animal is the heaviest in all creation? A le(a)d horse.
'Twas winter, and some merry boys
To their comrades beckoned,
And forth they ran with laughing tongues,
And much enjoyed my _second_.
And as the sport was followed up,
There rose a gladsome burst,
When lucklessly amid their group
One fell upon my _first_.
There is with those of larger growth
A winter of the soul,
And when _they_ fall, too oft, alas!
They evidence my _whole_.
Back-slide.
Why has the beast that carries the Queen of Siam's palanquin nothing
whatever to do with the subject? Because it's her elephant (irrelevant).
What did the seven wise men of Greece do when they met the sage of
Hindoostan? Eight saw sages (ate sausages).
What small animal is turned into a large one by being beheaded? Fox--ox.
Why is an elephant's head different from any other head? Because if you
cut his head off his body, you don't take it from the trunk.
Which has most legs, a cow or no cow? No cow has eight legs.
Why is a cent like a cow? Because it has a head and a tail and two
sides.
When a hen is sitting across the top of a five-barred gate, why is she
like a cent? Because she has a head one side and a tail the other.
Why do old maids wear mittens? To keep off the chaps.
Why does a miller wear a white hat? To keep his head warm.
What is the difference between a winter storm and a child with a cold?
In the one it snows, it blows; the other it blows its nose.
Who are generally most sick of children? The people who "bring them up."
Who are children most sick of? The mothers that bore them.
What is one of the greatest, yet withal most melancholy wonders in
life? The fact that it both begins and ends with--an earse (a nurse).
What is the difference between the cradle and the grave? The one is for
the first born, the other for the last bourne!
Why is a wet-nurse like Vulcan? Because she is engaged to wean-us
(Venus).
What great astronomer is like Venus's chariot? Her-shell (Herschell).
Why does a woman residing up two pairs of stairs remind you of a
goddess? Because she's a second Floorer (Flora).
If a young lady were to wish her father to pull her on the river, what
classical name might she mention? You-row-pa (Europa).
How do we know that Jupiter wore very pinching boots? Because we read
of his struggles with the tight uns (Titans).
What hairy Centaur could not possibly be spared from the story of
Hercules? The one that is--Nessus-hairy!
To be said to your _inamorata_, your lady love: What's the difference
between Jupiter and your very humble servant? Jupiter liked nectar and
ambrosia; I like to be next yer and embrace yer!
When was wit a father? When a pun became apparent (a parent).
Why was Pharaoh's daughter like a broker? Because she got a little
prophet (profit) from the rushes on the bank.
Why is the treadmill like a true convert? Because its turning is the
result of conviction.
What is the difference between a wealthy toper and a skillful miner?
One turns his gold into quarts, the other turns his quartz into gold!
Why is a mad bull an animal of convivial disposition? Because he offers
a horn to every one he meets.
How does a tipsy man generally look? Dizzy-pated!
Why is a drunkard hesitating to sign the pledge like a skeptical
Hindoo? Because he is in doubt whether to give up his jug or not
(Juggernaut).
What does a man who has had a glass too much call a chronometer? A
watch-you-may-call-it!
What is the difference between a chess-player and an habitual toper?
One watches the pawn, the other pawns the watch.
You eat it, you drink it, deny who can;
It is sometimes a woman and sometimes a man?
A toast.
When is it difficult to get one's watch out of one's pocket? When it's
(s)ticking there.
What does a salmon breeder do to that fish's ova? He makes an
egg-salmon-nation of them.
Why does a salmon die before it lives? Because its existence is ova
(over) before it comes to life.
Why is a man who never lays a wager as bad as a regular gambler?
Because he's no better.
My _first_ may be to a lady a comfort or a bore,
My _second_, where you are, you may for comfort shut the door.
My _whole_ will be a welcome guest
Where tea and tattle yield their zest.
Muff-in.
What's the difference between a fish dinner and a racing establishment?
At the one a man finds his sauces for his table, and in the other he
finds his stable for his horses.
Why can you never expect a fisherman to be generous? Because his
business makes him sell-fish.
Through thy short and shadowy span
I am with thee, child of man;
With thee still from first to last,
In pain and pleasure, feast and fast,
At thy cradle and thy death,
Thine earliest wail and dying breath,
Seek thou not to shun or save,
On the earth or in the grave;
The worm and I, the worm and I,
In the grave together lie.
The letter A.
If you wish a very religious man to go to sleep, by what imperial name
should you address him? Nap-holy-un.
Why is the Emperor Napoleon III. like a retired waiter? Because he
remembers Ham, and when he cut it.
When was Napoleon I. most shabbily dressed? When out at Elba (elbow).
Why is the palace of the Louvre the cheapest ever erected? Because it
was built for one sovereign--and finished for another.
Why is the Empress of the French always in bad company? Because she is
ever surrounded by Paris-ites.
What sea would a man most like to be in on a wet day? Adriatic (a dry
attic).
What young ladies won the battle of Salamis? The Miss Tocles
(Themistocles).
Why is an expensive widow--pshaw!--pensive widow we mean--like the
letter X? Because she is never in-consolable!
What kind of a cat may be found in every library? Cat-alogue.
Why is an orange like a church steeple? Because we have a peel from it.
Why is the tolling of a bell like the prayer of a hypocrite? Because
it's a solemn sound from a thoughtless tongue.
'Twas Christmas-time, and my nice _first_
(Well suited to the season)
Had been well served, and well enjoyed--
Of course I mean in reason.
And then a game of merry sort
My _second_ made full many do;
One player, nimbler than the rest,
Caught sometimes one and sometimes two.
She was a merry, laughing wench,
And to the sport gave life and soul;
Though maiden dames, and older folk,
Declared her manners were my _whole_.
Flip-pant.
What moral sentence does a weathercock suggest? "It's a vane thing to
aspire."
Give the positive, comparative, and superlative degrees of the
adjective solemn, with illustrations of the meaning of the word?
Solemn, being married: solemner, not being able to get married;
solemnest, wanting to be un-married when you are married.
Give the positive, comparative, and superlative degrees of getting on
in the world? Get on; get honor; get honest.
Sir Kenneth rode forth from his castle gate,
On a prancing steed rode he;
He was my _first_ of large estate,
And he went the Lady Ellen to see.
The Lady Ellen had been wedded five years,
And a goodly wife proved she;
She'd a lovely boy, and a lovelier girl,
And they sported upon their mother's knee.
At what period of his sorrow does a widower recover the loss of his
dear departed? When he re-wives!
What would be a good motto to put up at the entrance of a cemetery?
"Here lie the dead, and here the living lie!"
Why, asks a disconsolate widow, is venison like my late and never
sufficiently-to-be-lamented husband? Because--oh, dear! oh, dear!--it's
the dear departed!
[THE END.]
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Transcriber's Note:
Every effort has been made to replicate this text as faithfully as
possible.
The format used for fractions in the original, where 1 1-4
represents 1¼, has been retained.
Many of the riddles are repeated, and some of the punch lines to the
rhymes are missing.
Italic text has been marked with _underscores_.
Bold text has been marked with =equals signs=.
The following is a list of changes made to the original.
The first line is the original line, the second the corrected one.
Page 3:
By making making man's laughter man-slaughter!
By making man's laughter man-slaughter!
Page 5:
Because it isn't fit for use till its broken.
Because it isn't fit for use till it's broken.
Page 6:
Because they nose (knows) everything?
Because they nose (knows) everything.
Page 8:
A sweet thing in bric-a-bric--An Egyptian molasses-jug.
A sweet thing in bric-a-brac--An Egyptian molasses-jug.
Page 11:
What Island would form a cheerful luncheon party?
What Islands would form a cheerful luncheon party?
Page 16:
Why is a palm-tree like chronology, because it furnishes dates.
Why is a palm-tree like chronology? Because it furnishes dates.
Page 19:
A thing to a adore (door)--The knob.
A thing to adore (a door)--The knob.
Short-sighted policy--wearing spectacles.
Short-sighted policy--Wearing spectacles.
Page 22:
Why is is a fretful man like a hard-baked loaf?
Why is a fretful man like a hard-baked loaf?
Page 24:
Why are certain Member's speeches in the _Times_ like a brick wall?
Why are certain Members' speeches in the _Times_ like a brick wall?
Page 25:
offer his heart in payment to his landladyz Because it is rent.
offer his heart in payment to his landlady? Because it is rent.
Page 26:
Why is a boiled herring like a rotton potato?
Why is a boiled herring like a rotten potato?
Why is my servant Betsy like a race-course.
Why is my servant Betsy like a race-course?
Because there a stir-up (stirrup) on both sides.
Because there's a stir-up (stirrup) on both sides.
Page 30:
and all its guns on board, weigh just before starting on a cruse?
and all its guns on board, weigh just before starting on a cruise?
Page 38:
One makes acorns, the other--make corns ache.
One makes acorns, the other--makes corns ache.
Because of his parafins (pair o' fins).
Because of his paraffins (pair o' fins).
We beg leave to ax you which of a carpenter's tool is coffee-like?
We beg leave to ax you which of a carpenter's tools is coffee-like?
Page 40:
What is it gives a cold, cures a cold, and pays the doctor's bill.
What is it gives a cold, cures a cold, and pays the doctor's bill?
Page 41:
In two little minutes the door to you.
In two little minutes the door to you."
take away my second lettler, there is no apparent alteration
take away my second letter, there is no apparent alteration
Why is a new-born baby like storm?
Why is a new-born baby like a storm?
Page 48:
Do you re-ember ever to have heard what the embers of the expiring
Do you rem-ember ever to have heard what the embers of the expiring
Page 52:
What's the difference between a speciman of plated goods and
What's the difference between a specimen of plated goods and
Page 53:
Now, see who'll be first to reply:
Now, see who'll be first to reply:"
Page 56:
when he was quizzed about the gorilla?" Because his monkey was up!
when he was quizzed about the gorilla? Because his monkey was up!
Page 58:
the other turns his quartz into gold?
the other turns his quartz into gold!
When it's (s) ticking there.
When it's (s)ticking there.
*** End of this LibraryBlog Digital Book "How to Solve Conundrums - Containing All the Leading Conundrums of the Day, Amusing - Riddles, Curious Catches, and Witty Sayings" ***
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