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Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 107, September 29, 1894
Author: Various
Language: English
As this book started as an ASCII text book there are no pictures available.
Copyright Status: Not copyrighted in the United States. If you live elsewhere check the laws of your country before downloading this ebook. See comments about copyright issues at end of book.

*** Start of this Doctrine Publishing Corporation Digital Book "Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 107, September 29, 1894" ***

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Punch, Or The London Charivari

Volume 107, September 29th, 1894

_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_



THE INVASION OF WOMAN.

[Illustration]

  When STREPHON shuts the ledger to,
    Relinquishing his duties,
  And takes the train from Waterloo
    For Clapham's rural beauties
  He dearly loves _en route_, we read,
  To smoke the solitary weed.

  His hopes, alas, are quickly dashed,
    For CHLOË, maid provoking!
  Alertly enters, unabashed,
    The carriage labelled "Smoking";
  His frown, his powerful cigar,
    His match--all unavailing are.

  Yes, CHLOË comes, and brings no doubt,
    A friend to talk of fashions,
  While STREPHON lets his weed go out,
    A prey to angry passions,
  Which, later on, released will be
  Within the excellent _D. T._

  Yet grieve not so, ungallant swain,
    Nor curse this innovation,
  Or, even if you do, refrain
    From words like "frequentation,"
  But really, you should do no less
  Than cease to curse, and wholly bless.

  For if the charm this female band
    Finds in you so immense is,
  That they contentedly can stand
    The smell your weed dispenses,
  A compliment they pay you then
  You will not gain from fellow-men!

       *       *       *       *       *

A CERTAIN CURE.

    ["Eating sugarplums is the best cure for mundane sorrows."--_A
    Ladies' Journal, Sept. 19._]

  Whatever the sorrows that chasten your life,
    A cure for them all you will quickly receive,
  If PHYLLIS should prove an unsuitable wife,
    If children undutiful cause you to grieve,
  Just get at the nearest confectioner's shop,
  The cheap and the comforting chocolate drop!

  If the treatise at which you have constantly worked,
    (Four volumes portraying "the Growth of Mankind,")
  By editors still is consistently burked,
    If publishers still to its merits are blind,
  You grieve at their foolish perversity; well,
  There's healing and balm in the sweet caramel.

  Perhaps you may find--many do--that your debts
    Are steadily growing, while incomes decay,
  And constant attempts to increase your assets
    By bold speculation seem hardly to pay;
  Though "Turks" may decline, do not grieve at your plight,
  But buy, as a substitute, Turkish Delight!

  In fact, if misfortunes should seem to oppress,
    No longer their burden you'll sadly endure,
  You'll have in the midst of calamity's stress
    A certain specific that cannot but cure;
  "Away with all sorrow!" our teacher repeats,
  "Don't grieve at existence, but taste of its _sweets_!"

       *       *       *       *       *

TO ALTHEA IN CHURCH.

  You weren't so far off but I knew you,
    I instantly knew you were there!
  On my Ancient and Modern I drew you
    Between the first hymn and the prayer.
  I'm glad that my eyes keen and quick are,
    When there are such prospects to see.
  You're looking straight up at the Vicar--
    I wish you'd look over at me!

  You've a hat that is gauzy and shady,
    Your gown is a delicate grey--
  So fair and so dainty a lady
    Ne'er entered the Church till to-day!
  Your chaperon quietly dozes.
    Would I were a wizard, for you!
  A wave of my wand, and with roses
    Should suddenly blossom your pew

       *       *       *       *       *

ROBERT'S PICTER.

By some stordinary mistake on the part of some wery hemenent taker of
Poortraits, I was last week requested for to go to him and set for my
Picter.

[Illustration]

He told me in his letter that his reason for wanting me to set to him
was, becoz he wanted to have the Picters of all the Members of the
Copperation, and of course they wood not be complete without mine, for
tho of course he knew that I was not a real Common Counseller, still, he
thort that I had left sitch a mark among them by my ten years constant
service and unwarying atention to em, that the hole matter woud be
wanting in completeness if my Picter was omitted, even if it was only as
"Mr. ROBERT the City Waiter" a leading off the presession or a bringing
up the Reer! I remembers werry well when the other City Picter was
printed, about a year ago, when the LORD MARE'S three Footmen, all in
their werry hansumest uniforms, was placed exactly in the front, and all
being fine hansum fellers, as they undowtedly is, they were thort to
have taken the shine out of the hole Picter, but that was in course
quite a diffrent thing, and this new one is to be quite werry diffrent
from that one, and carried out in quite another style altogether, and
will, I shoud think, atract such uniwersal admiration as will quite cut
out the Picter Gallery as was shown at Gildall last summer.

Sum few of the werry hansumest of the hole Court as has bin and got
taken already, has bin and stuck theirselves up in the Reading Room, and
werry proud they is of their apperience, and BROWN and Me has got sum of
the Atendents to let us go in before the Members comes, and see em
privately. BROWN says as how as he's quite sure as there must be sum
mistake about me, becoz as he carn't at all see how I shoud fit in with
the rest. But there's werry little dout in my mind that it's all a case
of gelosy with BROWN, who woud werry much like to have sitch a chance.

       *       *       *       *       *

I had my chance of going yesterday, and werry kind the Gennelman wos who
took me, and he took me three times, to make sure of me. He said as I
was a werry good Setter, and that everybody woud know who I was by my
likenesses in _Punch_, and lots of peeple woud like to git my Picter, as
it was a werry good likeness.

 ROBERT.

       *       *       *       *       *

A TERRIBLE TRANSFORMATION;

_Or, Evolution Gone Wrong._

    ["It is probable that the butterfly postillion, by an
    inverse process of evolution, becomes in time the sombre
    fly-driver."--_James Payn._]

[Illustration]

  Oh, polychromatic postillion,
    Who scoureth the Scarborough plains,
  And beareth the travelling million
   For infinitesimal gains;
  Oh, butterfly, picture thee--there is the rub!--
  Developing backwards to worse than a grub!

  It fills me with doldrums and dolour.
    To picture thy scarlet and blue
  Becoming so sadly "off colour,"
    Descending to bumblebee hue;
  To dandy-grey russet; dunducketty dun!
  Oh, PAYN, this is painful. You must be in fun!

  A fly-driver frumpy and fusty?
    You might as well just be a fly,
  All fuzzy, and buzzy, and dusty,
    A horror to ear and to eye,
  A-booming about and fly-blowing the crockery,
  No, no, gentle PAYN, this is surely mere mockery.

  Would DARWIN were here to demolish
    "Development" turned upside down.
  Yon urchin in pink and high polish
    Degraded to rain-beaten brown?
  A butterfly turned a blackbeetle were sad,
  But nought to the fate of our postboy, poor lad!

  A Hansom may sink to a "Shoful,"
    A racer descend to the rank;
  But _this_ metamorphosis woeful
    Is fortune's most pitiless prank.
  Smart urchin in emerald, cobalt, vermilion,
  Turn fly-driver? Far better _die_ a postillion.

       *       *       *       *       *

MORGENLIED.

(_By a Light Sleeper._)

  "Ye little birds that sit and sing"
    Outside my window when the day is dawning.
  How I should like your little necks to wring,
    I fain would sleep, with weariness I'm yawning.
  Although for rest you may not feel inclined,
    Do cease, I beg of you, that aimless twitter:
  Try without noise the early worm to find.
    Why should you seek my rest-time to embitter?

  No doubt you think your maddening cheep
    Sweeter than song of nightingale or linnet,
  But, tossing here with imprecations deep,
    I do declare I find no sweetness in it.
  "Higher up! move on!" or stay and hold your tongues,
    Had I a gun, the twig you'd quickly hop it;
  I wish you'd exercise your little lungs
    A thousand miles from here. In mercy stop it!

       *       *       *       *       *

The Cyclist's Cycle.

(_An Elderly would-be Wheelman's Experience._)

  Discuss the question,--"_Why_ Cycle?"
  Purchase a roadster,--Buy Cycle!
  Mount it, and tumble off--Try Cycle!
  Home bruised and shivering,--Icicle!
  Read the _Lancet_, am horrified,--Shy Cycle!
  Sell off at a sacrifice,--Fie Cycle!
  And that was the end of _my_ Cycle!

       *       *       *       *       *

HERRICK ON RATIONAL DRESS.

  Yes, "Knickers" are the proper dress
  Wherewith a Cycle's seat to press;
  Convenient, and--should you be thrown--
  Making less re-ve-la-ti-on;
  There's less of danger, aye, and dirt.
  Attending the divided skirt.
  I will not say I wholly _like_
  To see my JULIA on a "bike":
  I will not say that I should _choose_
  To see CORINNA don the trews;
  But yet, if either beauty feel
  That she is _bound_ to cycle-wheel,
  (Like to a she-Ixion) then,
  Since ladies aim to ride like men,
  'Tis clear that all experience teaches
  That it is best to wear knee-breeches,
  And drop the prejudice that doth dote
  On the tempestuous petticoat.
  A skirt that catcheth here and there,
  And leaves a stretch of stocking bare,
  Raiments that ruck, and cause thereby
  The wheels to move confusedly;--
  All these be awkward follies, sure,
  Compared with dual garmenture.
  Knickers and leggings, by-and-by,
  With their unfeigned simplicity,
  Will more bewitch us--on a "bike"--
  Than flowing skirts we now do like!

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: MAKING THINGS SMOOTH.

_Keeper (to Sportsmen, who have just fired all four barrels without
touching a feather)._ "DEARY ME! UNCOMMON STRONG ON THE WING BIRDS IS,
GENTLEMEN! 'STONISHING AMOUNT O' SHOT THEY CARRIES AWAY WITH 'EM TO BE
SURE!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE "AUTOMATIC" CONSCIENCE.

    [A late report of the Automatic Machine Company says that out of
    every twelve coins placed in the slot _two are bad_.]

_Average "Honest Man" loq.:_--

  Put a penny in the slot?
  That is simply tommy-rot!
  If _I_ want a cigarette,
  Or some butter scotch, you bet,
  If _I_ put a penny in,
  'Tis a _bad_ one! Bits of tin,
  Workmen's tickets, discs of zinc,
  Aught that's rounded and will chink,
  Chips of copper filed to size,
  Tokens, counters--all I tries.
  Takes a lot o' trouble, too,
  To fake up a reglar "do."
  So for nix I often get
  Butter scotch or cigarette.
  Oh! it is a splendid joke!
  I should like to see the bloke
  When he turns 'em out! Oh lor!
  Twenty per cent. are shams--or more!
  _Honest?_ Wot? To a _machine_?
  You must think me jolly green!
  The machine can't cop or blow!
  Automatics do not know.
  If I pop a "Frenchy" in,
  Or a lump of brass or tin,
  Who's to tell that I do _not_
  Put a penny in the slot?

       *       *       *       *       *

IN THE PRESS.--_The Cruelty of the Jap._ By the Author of _The Kindness
of the Celestial_.

       *       *       *       *       *

A LITTLE FLIRTATION.

    SCENE--_The "Gothenburg Arms," under new (Municipal) Management,
    licensed for the sale of liquors for the public profit only._
    Mr. G., _an elderly but cheerful and chatty customer, and_ Miss
    JOSEPHINE, _a smart barmaid, discovered conversing across the
    counter_.

_Miss Joe (aside)._ Why, here is that chirpy old josser again! I wonder,
now, what is his little game _here_?

_Mr. G. (aside)._ Aha! there she is, looking smart as fresh paint!
(_Aloud._) Good morning, Miss JOSEY! How are you, my dear?

_Miss Joe._ Ah, tha-anks. _I_'m all right.

_Mr. G._ Which you look it indeed! Just a glass of the usual, my dear,
_if_ you please.

_Miss Joe (drawing it)._ Oh, I thought you'd turned total abstainer or
something.

_Mr. G._ Dear no! That's your chaff; you were always a tease.

_Miss Joe (bristling)._ A tease, Mr. G.? Why, I wouldn't demean myself.
What can it matter to _me_ what you take?

_Mr. G._ Come now, Miss JOE, don't be raspy this morning.

_Miss Joe. Me_ raspy, indeed! Well, you _do_ take the cake!

You've been awfully down on the Bungs for a long time, have you and your
friends, that Miss HARCOURT and such.

_Mr. G._ Don't call her my friend, if you please, dear Miss JOSEY.

_Miss Joe._ Oh, come!--I say!--this is a trifle _too_ much!

Were not you and that LAWSON, and others, fair pals; Local Optioners
down to the ground, and all that?

_Mr. G. (airily)._ Oh, now I am "freer" and much less "responsible."
Makes _such_ a difference!

_Miss Joe._ What _are_ you at?

_Mr. G._ Why, my dear girl, this new Gothenburg system always has struck
me as quite the sole chance

Of escape from predicament truly contemptible--only fair promise of real
advance.

_So_ glad to see you so active in aid of it!

_Miss Joe (coquettishly). Oh_, Mr. G.! if Miss H. could but hear----!

_Mr. G. (pettishly)._ Bother Miss H.! Local Option's her fad, and I'm
friendly, of course, to it, only, my dear,

The mere limitation of numbers--her idol and Parliament's also for
twenty years past--

Is all tommy-rot _as a remedy_!

_Miss Joe._ Really, my _dear_ Mr. G., you are getting on fast.

Don't mean to say you mean "chucking" Miss H. and the rest of the
Vetoers, WILFRID and all?

What will _he_ say? He'll be giving you beans; and that blessed Alliance
will raise a big squall.

_Mr. G._ "Charge, CHESTER, charge!" is my Marmion-motto. LAWSON and
DAWSON may kick up a row,

But I back you and the Gothenburg system, Miss JOE, and of course I can
own to it--_now_!

_Miss Joe._ Well, I feel flattered! But oh, _poor_ Miss H.

_Mr. G. Entre nous_, my dear JOE, Local Option, _per se_, Is just an
Imposture!!!

_Miss H. (who has entered unperceived)._ Oh, _is_ it? My favourite
measure, too! Oh, Mister G.! Mister G.!

Call you this backing your friends? And to _her too_, that minx who was
false to you when _I_ was true!

Really it's not safe to leave you a moment! You naughty old mischief
you--_come along, do_!

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration:

A LITTLE FLIRTATION.

_Mr. G._ "YES, MISS, I ENTIRELY AGREE WITH YOU. 'LOCAL OPTION'
IS--IS--UM--MORE OR LESS OF AN IMPOSTURE."

_Miss Harcourt (horrified, appearing in the doorway)._ "OH! MR. G.! MR.
G.!!"

    ["... Local option ... if pretending to the honour of a remedy,
    is little better than an imposture.... I am glad to see that Mr.
    CHAMBERLAIN is active in your cause."--_Extract from a Letter
    written by Mr. Gladstone to the Bishop of Chester. See Daily Paper,
    Sept. 19._]]

       *       *       *       *       *

Friendly Lead for the Owner of "Ladas."

  The Nonconformist Conscience, which doth mark
    Poor PRIMROSE with the ire of an apostle,
  Will probably consider it a lark
    To see swift _Ladas_ beaten by a _Throstle_.
  Accept the omen, ROSEBERY; turn 'cute hedger;
  And try the Bethel blend of "Saint" and "Ledger."

       *       *       *       *       *

THE PLEA OF THE PARTY SCRIBE.--It is said that "upright writers" avoid
scrivener's palsy or penman's cramp. Perhaps so. But then there is so
little demand for upright writers!

       *       *       *       *       *

LYRE AND LANCET.

(_A Story in Scenes._)

PART XIII.--WHAT'S IN A NAME?

    SCENE XXII.--_At the Supper-table in the Housekeeper's Room._ Mrs.
    POMFRET _and_ TREDWELL _are at the head and foot of the table
    respectively_. UNDERSHELL _is between_ Mrs. POMFRET _and_ Miss
    PHILLIPSON. _The Steward's Room Boy waits._

_Tredwell._ I don't see Mr. ADAMS here this evening, Mrs. POMFRET.
What's the reason of that?

_Mrs. Pomfret._ Why, he asked to be excused to-night, Mr. TREDWELL. You
see some of the visitors' coachmen are putting up their horses here, and
he's helping Mr. CHECKLEY entertain them. (_To_ UNDERSHELL.) Mr. ADAMS
is our Stud-Groom, and him and Mr. CHECKLEY, the 'ed coachman, are very
friendly just now. ADAMS is very clever with his horses, I believe, and
I'm sure he'd have liked a talk with you; it's a pity he's engaged
elsewhere this evening.

_Undershell (mystified)._ I--I'm exceedingly sorry to have missed him,
Ma'am. (_To himself._) Is the Stud-Groom _literary_, I wonder?... Ah,
no, I remember now; I allowed Miss PHILLIPSON to conclude that my tastes
were equestrian. Perhaps it's just as well the Stud-Groom _isn't_ here!

_Mrs. Pomfr._ Well, he _may_ drop in later on. I shouldn't be surprised
if you and he had met before.

_Und. (to himself). I_ should. (_Aloud._) I hardly think it's
probable.

_Mrs. Pomfr._ I've known stranger things than _that_ happen. Why, only
the other day, a gentleman came into this very room, as it might be
yourself, and it struck me he was looking very hard at me, and by-and-by
he says, "You don't recollect _me_, Ma'am, but I know _you_ very well,"
says he. So I said to him, "You certainly have the advantage of me at
present, Sir." "Well, Ma'am," he says, "many years ago I had the honour
and privilege of being Steward's Room Boy in a house where you was
Stillroom Maid; and I consider I owe the position I have since attained
entirely to the good advice you used to give me, as I've never forgot
it, Ma'am," says he. Then it flashed across me who it was--"Mr.
POCKLINGTON!!!" says I. Which it _were_. And him own man to the Duke of
DUMBLESHIRE! Which was what made it so very nice and 'andsome of him to
remember me all that time.

_Und. (perfunctorily)._ It must have been most gratifying, Ma'am. (_To
himself._) I hope this old lady hasn't any more anecdotes of this highly
interesting nature. I mustn't neglect Miss PHILLIPSON--especially as I
haven't very long to stay here.

    [_He consults his watch stealthily._

_Miss Phillipson (observing the action)._ I'm sorry you find it so slow
here; it's not very polite of you to show it quite so openly though, I
must say.

    [_She pouts._

_Und. (to himself)._ I can't let this poor girl think me a brute! But I
must be careful not to go too far. (_To her, in an undertone which he
tries to render unemotional._) Don't misunderstand me like that. If I
looked at my watch, it was merely to count the minutes that are left. In
one short half hour I must go--I must pass out of your life, and you
must forget--oh, it will be easy for _you_--but for _me_, ah! you cannot
think that I shall carry away a heart entirely unscathed. Believe me I
shall always look back gratefully, regretfully, on----

_Phill. (bending her head with a gratified little giggle)._ I declare
you're beginning all that _again_. I never _did_ see such a cure as you
are.

_Und. (to himself, displeased)._ I wish she could bring herself to take
me a little more seriously. I can _not_ consider it a compliment to be
called a "cure"--whatever that is.

_Steptoe (considering it time to interfere)._ Come, Mr. UNDERSHELL all
this whispering reelly is not fair on the company! You mustn't hide your
bushel under a napkin like this; don't reserve _all_ your sparklers for
Miss PHILLIPSON there.

_Und. (stiffly)._ I--ah--was not making any remark that could be
described as a sparkler, Sir. I _don't_ sparkle.

_Phill. (demurely)._ He was being rather sentimental just then, Mr.
STEPTOE, as it happens. Not that he can't sparkle, when he likes. I'm
sure if you'd heard how he went on in the fly!

_Steptoe (with malice)._ Not having been privileged to be present,
perhaps our friend here could recollect a few of the best and repeat
them.

_Miss Dolman._ Do, Mr. UNDERSHELL, please. I do _love_ a good laugh.

_Und. (crimson)._ I--you really must excuse me. I said nothing worth
repeating. I don't remember that I was particularly----

_Stept._ Pardon me. Afraid I was indiscreet. We must spare Miss
PHILLIPSON'S blushes by all manner of means.

_Phill._ Oh, it was nothing of _that_ sort, Mr. STEPTOE! _I_'ve no
objection to repeat what he said. He called me a little green something
or other. No; he said _that_ in the train, though. But he would have it
that the old cab-horse was a magic steed, and the fly an enchanted
chariot; and I don't know what all. (_As nobody smiles._) It sounded
awfully funny as _he_ said it, with his face perfectly solemn like it is
now, I assure you it did!

_Stept. (patronisingly)._ I can readily believe it. We shall have you
contributing to some of our yumerous periodicals, Mr. UNDERSHELL, Sir,
before long. Such facetious talent is too good to be lost, it
reelly is.

_Und. (to himself, writhing)._ I gave her credit for more sense. To make
me publicly ridiculous like this!

    [_He sulks._

_Miss Stickler_ (_to_ M. RIDEVOS, _who suddenly rises_). MOSSOO, you're
not _going_! Why, whatever's the matter?

_M. Ridevos._ Pairmeet zat I make my depart. I am cot at ze art.

    [_General outcry and sensation._

_Mrs. Pomfr. (concerned)._ You never mean that, Mossoo? And a nice dish
of quails just put on, too, that they haven't even touched upstairs!

_M. Rid._ It is for zat I do not remmain! Zey 'ave not toch him; my
pyramide, result of a genius stupend, énorme! to zem he is nossing; zey
retturn him to crash me! To-morrow I demmand zat Miladi accept my
demission. _Ici je souffre trop!_

    [_He leaves the room precipitately._

_Miss Stick. (offering to rise)._ It _does_ seem to have upset him!
Shall I go after him and see if I can't bring him round?

_Mrs. Pomfr. (severely)._ Stay where you are, HARRIET; he's better left
to himself. If he wasn't so wropped up in his cookery, he'd know there's
always a dish as goes the round untasted, without why or wherefore. I've
no _patience_ with the man!

_Tred. (philosophically)._ That's the worst of 'aving to do with
Frenchmen; they're so apt to beyave with a sutting childishness
that--(_checking himself_)--I really ask your pardon, Mamsell, I quite
forgot you was of his nationality; though it ain't to be wondered at,
I'm sure, for you might pass for an Englishwoman almost anywhere!

_Mlle. Chiffon._ As you for Frenchman, _hein_?

_Tred._ No, 'ang it _all_, Mamsell, I 'ope there's no danger o' _that_!
(_To_ Miss PHILLIPSON.) Delighted to see the Countess keeps as fit as
ever, Miss PHILLIPSON! Wonderful woman for her time o' life! Law, she
_did_ give the Bishop beans at dinner, and no mistake!

_Phill._ Her ladyship is pretty generous with them to most people, Mr.
TREDWELL. I'm sure I'd have left her long ago, if it wasn't for Lady
MAISIE--who _is_ a lady, if you like!

_Tred._ She don't favour her ma, I will say _that_ for her. By the way,
who is the party they brought down with them? a youngish looking
chap--seemed a bit out of his helement, when he first come in, though
he's soon got over that, judging by the way him and your Lady RHODA,
Miss DOLMAN, was 'obnobbing together at table!

_Phill._ Nobody came down with _my_ ladies; they must have met him in
the bus, I expect. What is his name?

_Tred._ Why, he give it to me, I know, when I enounced him; but it's
gone clean out of my head again. He's got the Verney Chamber, I know
_that_ much; but what _was_ his name again? I shall forget my own next.

_Und. (involuntarily)._ In the Verney Chamber? Then the name must be
SPURRELL!

_Phill. (starting)._ SPURRELL! Why, _I_ used to---- But of course it
can't be _him_!

_Tred._ SPURRELL _was_ the name, though. (_With a resentful glare at_
UNDERSHELL.) I don't know how _you_ came to be aware of it, Sir!

_Und._ Why, the fact is, I happened to find out that--(_here he receives
an admonitory drive in the back from the_ Boy)--that his name _was_
SPURRELL. (_To himself._) I wish this infernal Boy wouldn't be so
officious; but perhaps he's right!

_Tred._ Ho, indeed! Well, _another_ time, Mr. HUNDERSHELL, if you
require information about parties staying with Us, p'r'aps you'll be
good enough to apply to me personally, instead of picking it up in some
'ole and corner fashion. (UNDERSHELL _controls his indignation with
difficulty_.) To return to the individual in question, Miss PHILLIPSON,
I should have said myself he was something in the artistic or littery
way; he suttingly didn't give me the impression of being a Gentleman.

_Phill. (to herself, relieved)._ Then it _isn't_ my JEM! I might have
known he wouldn't be visiting here, and carrying on with Lady RHODAS.
He'd never forget himself like that--if he _has_ forgotten me!

_Stept._ It strikes me he's more of a sporting character, TREDWELL. I
know when I was circulating with the cigarettes, and so on, in the hall
just now, he was telling the Captain some anecdote about an old
steeplechaser that was faked up to win a Selling Handicap, and it
tickled me to that extent I could hardly hold the spirit-lamp steady!

_Tred._ I may be mistook, STEPTOE. All _I_ can say is, that when me and
JAMES was serving cawfy to the ladies in the drawing-room, some of them
had got 'old of a little pink book all sprinkled over with silver
cutlets, and, rightly _or_ wrongly, I took it to 'ave some connection
with 'im.

_Und. (excitedly)._ Pink and silver! Might I ask--was it a volume of
poetry, called--er--_Andromeda_?

_Tred. (crushingly)._ That I did not take the liberty of inquiring, Sir,
as you might be aware if you was a little more familiar with the
hetiquette of good Serciety.

    [UNDERSHELL _collapses_; Mr. ADAMS _enters, and steps into the
    chair vacated by the Chef, next to_ Mrs. POMFRET, _with whom he
    converses_.

_Und. (to himself)._ To think that they may be discussing my book in the
drawing-room at this very moment, while I--I---- (_He chokes._) Ah, it
won't bear thinking of! I must--I _will_ get out of this cursed place! I
have stood this too long as it is! But I won't go till I have seen this
fellow SPURRELL, and made him give me back my things. What's the
time?... ten! I can go at last. (_He rises._) Mrs. POMFRET, will you
kindly excuse me? I--I find I must go at once.

_Mrs. Pomfr._ Well, Mr. UNDERSHELL, Sir, you're the best judge; and, if
you really can't stop, this is Mr. ADAMS, who'll take you round to the
stables himself, and do anything that's necessary. Won't you, Mr. ADAMS?

_Adams._ So you're off to-night, Sir, are you? Well, I'd rather ha'
shown you _Deerfoot_ by daylight, myself; but there, I dessay that won't
make much difference to _you_, so long as you _do_ see the 'orse?

_Und. (to himself)._ So _Deerfoot's_ a _horse_! One of the features of
Wyvern, I suppose; they seem very anxious I shouldn't miss it. _I_ don't
want to see the beast; but I daresay it won't take many minutes; and, if
I don't humour this man, I shan't get a conveyance to go away in!
(_Aloud._) No difference whatever--to _me_. I shall be delighted to be
shown _Deerfoot_; only I really can't wait _much_ longer; I--I've an
appointment elsewhere!

_Adams._ Right, Sir; you get your 'at and coat, and come along with me,
and you shall see him at once.

    [UNDERSHELL _takes a hasty farewell of_ Miss PHILLIPSON _and the
    company generally--none of whom attempts to detain him--and follows
    his guide_. _As the door closes upon them, he hears a burst of
    stifled merriment, amidst which_ Miss PHILLIPSON'S _laughter is
    only too painfully recognisable_.

[Illustration: "He suttingly didn't give me the impression of being a
Gentleman."]

       *       *       *       *       *

A TRUST TO BE TRUSTED.

    [It is proposed to form a "Trust for the Preservation of Beautiful
    or Historical Places."]

  "A thing of beauty is a joy for ever!"
  Nay KEATS, sweet bard, earnest you were, and clever;
  But "Things of Beauty" will not long be "joys"
  If left to jerry-builders, cads, and boys;
  And 'ARRY'S knife, and the fern-digger's trowel,
  Used to disfigure and to disembowel
  Art's masterpieces and dear Nature's charms,
  Will work on Beauty's world destructive harms.
  Sacred to silence, that the still monk's sandal
  Brake only, spots there are the vulgar Vandal
  And trampling Cockney Goth would quickly mar
  More than the devastating tread of war.
  Such to preserve, with all their winning beauties,
  Is surely Civilisation's first of duties,--
  Preserve from ravage of the rash cheap-tripper,
  Or wanton blade of 'ARRY the cheek-chipper
  And nose-disfigurer, with his POLL or 'TILDER,
  Or wreckage of the Speculative Builder.
  So _Punch_, the beauty-loving, thoughtful, just,
  Wishes success to the new Beauty Trust!

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: ENHANCED VALUE.

_'Arry._ "WHAT SORT OF A JOB'S THAT YOU'VE GOT AT BABEL BUILDINGS, ALF?"

_Alf._ "JOLLY 'ARD; ALL THE MESSAGES AND PARCELS FROM THE TOP OF THE
'OUSE TO THE BASEMENT GO THROUGH ME; AND I'M ONLY GETTING THIRTY BOB A
WEEK!"

_'Arry._ "TELL YER WHAT, OLD MAN, YOU'D COMMAND DOUBLE THE MONEY IF YOU
WAS FITTED UP WITH A LIFT AND A SPEAKIN'TUBE!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

"LOST RINGS."

SIR,--I have seen some letters in the _Daily Graphic_ on the above
subject. A much more curious thing happened to me on April 1, 1887, at
twenty-five minutes past ten in the morning. I dropped a pin about four
yards from the south-western corner of the Marble Arch. It is almost
incredible that exactly three years later I picked up a pin, at 4.17 in
the afternoon, three yards and seven and a quarter inches to the
south-east of the Humane Society's Receiving House. I have studied
carefully the levels of the ground, the flow of the surface water, and
the direction of the prevailing air currents, and I am reluctantly
forced to the conclusion that it was _not_ the same pin. Had it been, I
should have found it five and a half inches further north. The question
now is, whose pin was it?--Your obedient servant,

 SCIENTIFIC INVESTIGATOR.

DEAR SIR,--Some weeks ago I rode outside an omnibus from Piccadilly
Circus to Charing Cross. Getting down hastily, when I found that it went
on to Westminster instead of the City, I left behind a large grey parrot
in a cage, a siphon of soda-water, and a St. Bernard dog. Yesterday,
when I climbed on to an omnibus following the same route, I found my
cage, my siphon, and my dog! It was the same omnibus, and the faithful
beast was still there. Unfortunately the parrot and the soda-water were
not, for the sagacious animal had evidently made use of them to sustain
life, not very satisfactorily, for he was a mere skeleton.

 Yours obediently,

 CONSTANT READER.

DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Last evening I went out to dinner, and put my one
latch-key in my pocket. Marvellous to relate, on my return home at three
A.M., I took it, as I thought, from my pocket, and found that it had
become two!

  Yours faithfully,

  BOOSEY TITE.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "EHEU FUGACES----"

AND HAVE YOU MET MY FRIEND LILY MACPHERSON IN GLASGOW? HOW PRETTY
WE THOUGHT HER!

"_PRETTY_, GRANDMAMMA! WHY, SHE'S AS FAT AS CAN BE, AND RED-FACED, AND
NO TEETH!"

"AH WELL! FORTY YEARS _DO_ CHANGE A GIRL!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

JAP THE GIANT-KILLER.

(_Fragment of a Tale of New Japan as told around a Fire-Brazier in Dai
Nippon._)

       *       *       *       *       *

Once upon a time in the Happy Dragon-fly shaped Land of the Rising
Sun there lived a little hero named JAP. Small he was, but valiant as
TAKÉ-NO-UCHI-NO-SUKUNÉ himself of the long life and many-syllabled
name. He was a dead hand at dragon slaying, and had killed more tigers
than HADÉSU. He could exorcise Oni like one o'clock, these demons or
imps having an exceeding bad time of it when JAP was, as he would term
it, "on the job." In fact, his exploits were the favourite topic of
talk when young and old gathered around the hibachi, or fire-braziers,
to list to tales of heroism, filial piety, and Pro-Gress. Pro-Gress was
the name of the great new goddess of whom JAP was a votary. From her he
had received the gift of a new "sword of sharpness," which would not
only, like the gift of the triple-headed Cornish giant, "cut through
anything," but would make all enemies cut _like_ anything.

Little JAP, having acquired this wonderful sword, compared with which
that which NITTA threw into the sea was a mere oyster-knife, was
naturally desirous of using it. He kept it as sharp as that of the
great demon-queller SHŌ-KI; but the demons he quelled with it were
the great obstructive ogres known as Kon-serva-tism, Fogi-ism and
Pre-ju-dice. JAP gave those antiquated bogies beans. The Tengus and
Shō-jos had a bad time of it, you bet, and the "bag" of Dragons, or
Tatsus, JAP could show after one of his regular "battues" was a caution
to Saurians, I can assure you! He had a collection of Tatsu-teeth that
would have aroused the envy of CADMUS, and given JASON a high-toned
job. As to that terrible wild-fowl, the Ho-ho bird, with "the head
of a pheasant, the beak of a swallow, the neck of a tortoise, and
the outward semblance of a dragon," JAP, with his "gun of swiftness"
(another gift of his favourite goddess) knocked the Ho-hos over right
and left, as though they were really pheasants in a swell British
preserve; and it was commonly said that when JAP had a day among
the Ho-hos, there was a glut in the Toyoakitsu poultry market for a
fortnight after.

But JAP, in time, grew tired of the common or cherry-garden Ho-ho, and
aweary of such small sport as mere dragons and demons could furnish. He
yearned like an Anglo-Indian Shikari for big game!

Now there was an ugly, but enormous giant, fierce-looking as
Kaminari, the Thunder-god, old as Urashima, the Kami-no-kuni _Rip
Van Winkle_, strong as Asaina Saburō, the Dai Nippon Hercules, big
as Fusi-yama, "the matchless mountain," rich as the Treasure Ship,
laden with Ta-kara-mono (or "Precious Things"), stubborn, stolid,
and unprogressive as Kamé, the hairy-tailed tortoise, himself. This
tremendous Tartar-Mongolian Blunderbore had a number of fine names, of
flowery flavour and Celestial swaggersomeness, but we will call him
JON-NI, for short.

Now Little JAP hated Big JON-NI, and Big JON-NI disdained Little JAP,
as indeed he disdained everybody else save his conceited and colossal
self. JAP curled his lip at JON-NI; JON-NI put out his tongue at JAP
like a China figure; when the duodecimo hero bit his thumb at the
elephantine Celestial, the elephantine Celestial cocked a snook at
the duodecimo hero. This could not last. Little JAP was ambitious to
try his sword of sharpness and his gun of swiftness upon big game.
He cried, "By the heroic Hidésato who slew the giant Centipede, I
will have a slap at this bouncing _Bobadil_ of a wooden-headed,
grandmother-worshipping, old Stick-in-the-mud!"

Some of his more timid friends tried to dissuade him. "Beware, JAP,"
they cried, "this Chinese Blunderbore is too big for thee!" "Pooh!"
retorted the undaunted JAP. "Remember

  ----'the valiant Cornishman
  Who slew the giant Cormoran.'

Am I not as big as JACK now, and as fit to play the Giant-killer as he?
Too big? Why, the overgrown monster is like the Buddhist Daruma, who,
'arriving in China in the sixth century, at once went into a state of
abstraction, which extended over nine years, during which time he never
moved; and as a result lost the use of his legs.' Only JON-NI has been
'in a state of abstraction' for nine centuries instead of nine years,
and has lost the use of his head, as well as his legs! He hates and
scorns my tutelary goddess, Pro-Gress. I will try the effect of her
gifts upon him! Here goes!!!"

       *       *       *       *       *

His admiring friends dubbed him "JAP the Giant-Killer" at once. And,
indeed, when he "went for" that clumsy Colossus, who in physical
proportions out-Chang'd CHANG himself, the result of the first round,
in which the swaggersome JON-NI was fairly beaten to his knees, seemed
to justify the title. But giants are not usually "knocked out" in one
round, and--well, my children, tiny JAP'S further fortunes in his tight
with Titan JON-NI, may furnish material for further narrative when
next we gather around the glowing hibachi to tell tales of JAP the
Giant-Killer!

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: JAP THE GIANT-KILLER.]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: AFTER THE BALL.

_He._ "HOW CAN I EVER REPAY YOU FOR THAT DELIGHTFUL WALTZ, MISS
GOLIGHTLY?"

_She (whose train has suffered)._ "OH, DON'T REPAY _ME_. SETTLE WITH MY
DRESSMAKER!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

LINES IN PLEASANT PLACES.

THE STREET. SATURDAY NIGHT.

(_By an Eye-witness._)

  On a Saturday night, in a crowded street,
    (The Butcher said "Buy! Buy!")
  Blue apron and cleaver and all complete,
  Surrounded with joints of the primest meat,
  Beef, mutton, heads, carcases, tails and feet,
    The Butcher said "Buy! Buy!"

  A succulent chop on the counter lay,
    (The Butcher said "Buy! Buy!")
  When a Terrier, scenting an easy prey,
  Observed to himself, "What a fine display!"
  And he cooked his eye in a sapient way--
    The Butcher said "Buy! Buy!"

  The Terrier jumped through the open sash;
    (The Butcher said "Buy! Buy!")
  To his infinite credit--he had no cash--
  Away with the chop like a lightning flash.
  (The Butcher, by way of a change, said "Dash!")
    The Terrier said "Bye! Bye!"

       *       *       *       *       *

Tip for a Trundler.

(_In the Off Season._)

  Cricket is over; the Summer fails:
    Do you feel rather out in the cold, Sir?
  Well have a shy at "professional bails":
    And the Public will cry, "Well bowled, Sir!"

       *       *       *       *       *

A SEA-QUENCE OF SONNETS.

(_Supposed to have been "written in Mid-Channel."
See published Works of Alfr-d A-st-n._)

      I.

  This is the sea that great BRITANNIA rules!
    The waves salute their mistress. Still I see
    Far in our wake the white cliffs of the free.
  Arise, O tempest, blow, disturb these pools!
  Ye waves, I love you! Let the puling fools
    Prate as they will, but let me ever be
    Tossed on your foaming crests. I shout with glee.
  While the North wind my poet's forehead cools.

  O guernseyed sailors, I am of your kin:
    I too have in my blood the scorn of fear
  That faced the storm, what time th' embattled din
    Broke on Trafalgar, and an answering cheer
  From British throats proclaimed, "We win! we win!"----
    Dear me, what's this? Ahem! I'm feeling queer.

      II.

  No, no, it shall not be; the poet's eye
    Shall yet flash fire, his heart shall never fail,
    Though round about him, blanching in the gale,
  His fellows falter----Waves, be not too high;
  Mere height proves nothing. Leave, oh leave me dry.
    Down, waves! Down, fluttering heart! Why should I quail?
    Here in the packet of the Royal Mail
  I tread the deck and do disdain to fly.

  But ah, what pangs are these? No, no!-- yes, yes!--
    Again I say it shall not be--no, no!--
  At least not yet--but yet I do confess
    A craven yearning draws me down below.
  Curst be the words in which I erst did bless
    The towering billows----Steward! yo, heave, ho!

      III.

  Was it for this I left the pleasant strand
    Of England, and the leafy country lanes,
    The ploughs, the cattle, and the creaking wains?
  Ye sounds that only poets understand,
  Of sheep-bells tinkling o'er a sunny land,
    Was it for this I left you, for the gains
    Of dew-sprent brow and deep internal pains,
  Of feeble voice and nerveless clammy hand?

  Never again shall ocean with his roar
    Attract me from the firm-built homes of men.
  Let others steer from shore to farthest shore,
    Climbing the liquid hills that now and then
  Break and o'erwhelm them--I shall roam no more,
    Once landed on old Dover Pier again.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE PROFESSOR OF THE PERIOD.

  When DRUMMOND wrote of the Ascent of Man,
    He did not think of the Descent of Woman
  Upon his poor doomed head. The Assyrian
    Did not "come down" with wrath more superhuman,
  Or more like a fierce wolf upon the fold:
  Mrs. LYNN LINTON, sweetest mannered scold
  That ever heresy to judgment summoned,
  Hath had her dainty will, and drummed out DRUMMOND!
  Give us a gentle lady, without bias,
  To play Apollo to a new Marsyas!

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: PREHISTORIC PEEPS.

THERE WERE OFTEN UNFORESEEN CIRCUMSTANCES WHICH GAVE TO THE HIGHLAND
STALKING OF THOSE DAYS AN ADDED ZEST!]

       *       *       *       *       *

BOWL ME NO MORE!

(_An Unlucky Batsman's Lament after a Season of Slow Wickets._)

AIR--"_Ask me no more._"

  Bowl me no more: the man may draw the stumps;
    The rain may swoop from heaven and swamp the crease;
    In folds of baize the bat may lie at peace;
  But oh, too fond of yorkers, breaks and bumps,
                           Bowl me no more!

  Bowl me no more: 'tis dark at half-past five;
    The misty light betrays the keenest eye.
    O Cricket, dismal autumn bids thee die!
  Bowl me no more: Football is all alive;
                           Bowl me no more!

  Bowl me no more: bat's fate and ball's is seal'd.
    I strove to make my thousand, all in vain:
    Like a great river ran the ceaseless rain,
  And spoiled the wickets. Lo, I leave the field
                           Bowl me no more!

       *       *       *       *       *

A DAY'S RIDE, A LAW'S ROMANCE.

(_A Story of the Long Vacation._)

"MR. BRIEFLESS," said an eminent solicitor to me the other day, "I
want you to go to East Babbleton, in Guiltshire, to see if the Great
Gooseberry Will case is still open. It is a matter of vital importance,
and I shall be glad if you can attend to it to-morrow."

Referring to PORTINGTON, I found that my diary was clear for the day
specified, and I expressed my willingness to carry out my client's
instructions.

"I must know at once," continued the gentleman, "because I desire to
bring the matter before the Vacation Judge on an originating summons. I
need scarcely add, that you will get the fullest particulars from the
parish clerk."

Although rather imperfectly instructed, I determined to visit East
Babbleton. The usual sources of railway information led me to believe
that the place was six or seven miles distant from Nearvices in
Guiltshire. I determined to go to Nearvices, taking with me my two
lads (home for the holidays), GEORGE LEWIS HERSCHELL and EDWARD CLARKE
RUSSELL. Before now I have explained that my sons' Christian names
have been selected with a view to assisting (in after years) their
professional advancement. We had to start at an unusually early hour
from London, and after enjoying the companionship of some sportsmen,
who talked about "duck" and "roots" for a quarter of a day, arrived
at Nearvices at eleven o'clock. I made at once for the Red Lion, the
principal hotel in the town. My sons followed me, eager for breakfast.
Until then, they had satisfied their appetite by the stealthy
consumption of about half-a-pound of a sweetmeat that is, I believe,
known as Japanese Almond Rock.

The "Red Lion" was in a state of great commotion. There were people
in high hats at the door, people in high hats looking out of the
coffee-room window, people in high hats thronging the hall. With some
trouble my lads and I got our breakfast, then I asked for the ostler.
He came to me after a pause and awaited my orders.

"I want a trap to take me over to East Babbleton," I said; "and should
like to know how much it will cost."

"Very sorry, Sir, but, I can't do it for you. All the carriages in the
house are hired. You know, Sir, Miss SMITH is going to be married, and
consequently you can't get a conveyance for love or money."

I was seriously annoyed, as the instructions of my client were explicit.

"I really must get over," I said emphatically; "surely Miss SMITH can
lend us one of her carriages. You might ask her future husband."

"Can't do that. Sir," replied the ostler; "for we none of us know him.
However, I'll see what can be done for you. Could you drive yourself
over?"

"Oh, _do_ Papa," shouted my two sons in an ecstacy of delight. "It would
be _such_ fun! and mother isn't here to stop you."

"Well, I will have a shot at it," I returned; "although truth to tell I
am a little rusty. I have not driven for some time."

The ostler eyed me rather sharply, and retired. I then thought it my
duty to reprove my sons for their ill-timed levity, explaining that
their tomfoolery might have caused the ostler to refuse to entrust his
equipage to my care.

"But you have never driven in your life?" said GEORGE LEWIS HERSCHELL.
"Have you, Papa?"

"I cannot say that I have," I replied, with that truthfulness which is
the characteristic of my dealings in the domestic circle.

"Oh, what a game!" shouted EDWARD CLARKE RUSSELL, roaring with laughter.

Severely chiding my offspring, I proceeded to the hall door. The ostler
had been as good as his word. There was certainly a conveyance.

"It is not very showy, Sir," said the proprietor; "but I think it will
last a dozen of miles or so."

It was a small dog-cart, which conjured up visions of the toy
waggon-and-horse department in the Lowther Arcade. There was a horse in
the shafts. The harness was imperfect, and the collar showed its straw.
However, I took my seat, and the boys got up beside me. Then, amidst the
good wishes of the wedding party watching our progress, I started. The
horse immediately took up a course over the pavement, and no doubt aware
that the illuminating power at East Babbleton was primitive, attempted
to carry with him a lamp-post. We cannoned off the pavement into the
middle of the road, and were fairly "off."

"If you boys laugh any more," I said, with the utmost severity, "I will
turn you out and leave you."

"But Papa, if mother could only see us!" cried the pair, and then they
indulged in apparently unextinguishable bursts of merriment.

I had no further time for remonstrance, as the brute of a horse, after
beginning in a trot, had suddenly quickened its pace to a mad gallop.
And as it did this I noticed that a dust-cart was just in front of us. I
dragged at the reins, and with almost superhuman exertions brought the
beast to a full stop.

"Which is the way to East Babbleton?" I asked, to explain my rather
abrupt pull-up. "Am I taking the right road?"

The dustman looked at me, at the horse, smiled, and answered in the
affirmative. Seeing that we were now about to descend a hill, I got down
and led the horse by its bridle. The brute resented the attention. So
far as I could judge, without being an expert in horse-flesh, it seemed
to me to be suffering from tooth-ache. It shook its head when I touched
it, and appeared to be disinclined to go further.

"Do get in, Papa," said EDWARD CLARKE RUSSELL. "Perhaps he will go all
right if you leave him alone."

Adopting my son's advice, I mounted the cart, and once again jerked the
reins. The beast began at a trot, and then, as before, commenced a mad
gallop. We rapidly left Nearvices behind us, and brought ourselves to a
stop in front of a haystack.

"You see," I said, "the brute is open to reason. It was stopped by an
obstruction. Seeing the futility of further progress, it desisted in its
running."

"But look, Papa, at that," cried GEORGE LEWIS HERSCHELL, pointing to
what seemed to be the remains of a coal cart. The wheels were off, the
black diamonds were scattered about in all directions, and the shafts
were broken.

"Was that an accident?" I asked an old man who was lighting his pipe.
The venerable individual paused, looked at the pipe, looked at the
pieces of the cart, and looked at me. Then he rubbed the right side of
his head with the palm of his right hand.

"Well, yes, it was," he admitted, in an accent I cannot reproduce; but
added, in a tone that suggested that mishaps of a similar character
occurred on the average every five minutes; "but _that_ accident
happened near an hour ago."

This intelligence rather damped my ardour, and I immediately got off the
cart and insisted upon leading the brute down the next hill. The animal
protested, and shook its head. Remembering its possible tooth-ache, I
treated it with increased courtesy, telling it to "Gee-up" and "be a
good horse." I am sorry to say that the creature did not seem inclined
to acknowledge my kindness.

Having come to a level piece of road, I once more mounted into the
Lowther Arcade dog-cart, and urged on my partially wild career. I had
passed a four-winged post at cross roads, and had followed the sign
pointing to "Babbleton." I had got safely up to a farm-house, having
restrained _en route_ an inclination on the part of my horse to commit
suicide by jumping over the parapet of a bridge into a small mountain
torrent.

"Is this the way to East Babbleton?" I asked a rather cheery,
rosy-cheeked dame, who had been watching our manoeuvres with a kindly
smile, not entirely exempt from good-natured apprehension.

"No, this is not the road, Master," she returned, in the same
unapproachable dialect. "You ought to have borne to the left when you
came to the cross-roads."

Seeing that I had to go back, I seized each of the reins and called upon
my beast of a horse to make an effort. The noble animal answered bravely
to the call, and managed to turn round on a space of turf about the size
of a waggon wheel. It was really a very clever performance, and had it
been seen by Mr. RITCHIE, I fancy would have secured for us a lucrative
engagement for a "side show" at the Royal Westminster Aquarium.

"Well, that was a shave surely," said the dame of the cheery
countenance; "when I saw your off wheel go up in the air and hang over
the ditch I thought it would be all up with ye."

Accepting the compliment with dignified geniality, I asked our fair
critic if she could bait our horse.

"Well, I can give him a handful of hay," said the lady; "but I would not
take him out of the shafts for worlds. If I untied him I could not put
him together again."

Refreshed by the nourishment, our steed started again, and after
retracing our steps and nearly upsetting a hay cart, and narrowly
running down a pig, we reached East Babbleton in fairly good condition.
I looked at my watch and found that we had done the six miles in two
hours and a quarter. Having transacted my business, I now turned the
nose of my steed homewards. I had noticed with some alarm that I had
only an hour to get back to Nearvices if I wanted to catch the train for
London. This being so, I saw it was absolutely necessary that I should
act with decision. I held a council of war with my two sons, and we came
to the conclusion that we must get back as fast at we could, and when
there was a difficulty, risk it. We entered our conveyance and started.

I shall never forget the experience. It was absolutely delightful.
Giving _Flora_ (I came to the conclusion that my steed with the
tooth-ache must have been called _Flora_) her head, I urged her to
progress as rapidly as possible. The mare promptly answered to the call.
I said "chick," and she started off at a mad gallop. We absolutely flew
up-hill, down-hill, and would no doubt have entered "my lady's chamber"
had not the adjoining cottages been occupied by rustics. At our approach
children, ducks, dogs and gipsies fled in terror. We boldly cannoned
against waggons and shook milestones to their very foundations. I had
long since forgotten my nervousness, and had assumed an air that would
have been becoming in an individual nicknamed (let us say) "down the
road Billy."

I urged _Flora_ to "gee up," by suggesting that "five o'clock tea" was
waiting for her on her arrival at Nearvices. My two sons, GEORGE LEWIS
HERSCHELL and EDWARD CLARKE RUSSELL, also rendered valuable assistance
by waving their straw hats, and singing comic songs with a vehemence
that rendered the ballads undistinguishable from war ditties. As we
entered Nearvices, _Flora_ stumbled, and all but fell. However, with
wonderful skill, I picked her up at the end of my reins, and urged her
to fresh exertions by a feeble flick of the whip, that expended its
force on the shafts and a part of the collar. Again we flew on. We
renewed our acquaintance with the attractive lamp-post, we crossed the
sharp curve of the familiar pavement, we collided against the monument
to a worthy in the market-place, and drove up with a jerk in front of
the "Red Lion." I looked again at my watch; we had done the six miles in
twenty-two minutes. Considering the hills, dales, and obstructive
milestones, a very fair record.

"What, you have come back!" exclaimed the landlady of the "Red Lion."
"Why, we never expected to see you."

I found subsequently that the wedding party, after watching our
departure, had taken bets about our probable return. The most popular
wager seemed to be that we should reappear after midnight with a wheel,
a bit of harness, and the whip, but without the quadruped.

I have nothing further to relate save this. That after my recent success
I am thinking seriously of giving up the Bar and taking to the road. If
I can raise the required capital, I think I shall run a four-horse coach
between the Temple and Turnham Green. Both my boys are anxious to give
up their school to act as my guard.

By the way, I may add in conclusion that the parish clerk of East
Babbleton declared that he had never heard (until I mentioned it) of the
Great Gooseberry Will Case. So I suppose that my client must have been
wrong in his details.

 _Pump-Handle Court,
       September 22, 1894._

 (_Signed_)
     A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR.


       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: SELF-EVIDENT.

_The Colonel._ "WHAT WAS THAT NOISE I HEARD JUST NOW?"

_His Nephew._ "OH! I WAS BLOWING UP MY SERVANT!"

_The Colonel._ "MAY I ASK WHY?"

_His Nephew._ "WELL--AW--YOU SEE HE IS SUCH A CONFOUNDED IDIOT!"

_The Colonel._ "BUT DID IT NEVER OCCUR TO YOU THAT IF HE _WEREN'T_ SUCH
A CONFOUNDED IDIOT HE WOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN YOUR SERVANT?"]


       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE CUT DIRECT.

SCENE--_A Norfolk Beach._

_Mr. and Mrs. Wavely (returning to their tent)._ "AH, MR. MCVICAR! YOU
REMEMBER MEETING US AT PITLOCHRIE LAST AUTUMN, DON'T YOU?"

_Mr. McVicar._ "I RECOLLECT YOUR FACES PERFATELY WELL, SIR; BUT YE'LL
EXCUSE ME OBSAIRVIN' THAT THE PRAISENT CIRCUMSTANCES ARE VERRA, VERRA
DIFFERENT!"

    [_Passes on._]]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Transcriber's Note:

Inconsistent spelling and hyphenation are as in the original.]





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