Title: The Triple Marriage
Author: Destouches, Néricault
Language: English
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                        THE TRIPLE MARRIAGE

                                 BY

                             DESTOUCHES

                       Translated and Adapted

                        By Frank J. Morlock
                               C 1982



CHARACTERS:

Mr. Matthews, an old man
Elizabeth, his daughter
Walter, his son
Mr. Manly, Elizabeth's husband
Anna, Elizabeth's maid
The Countess
Polly, Walter's wife
Sophie, Matthew's wife
Trim, Walter's valet
Jeremy, Manly's valet
Belinda, a little girl about ten years of age
Mr. Nugent
A troop of dancers



Scene: A room in Matthews' house.


Matthews
No, I cannot be perfectly happy. I had a wife and she died. Out of
decency, I mourned her. Secretly, I rejoiced to be delivered from a
tyrant who controlled my slightest breath and wanted to rule my
inclinations after twenty years of marriage. I thought her death would
leave me free.-- Now, I am a slave to my children, who force me to go
against my own wishes, and to preserve decency, without which I dare
not proceed. I have to be careful my affairs are not noised about all
over town. I have a son who is bigger than I am: what a mortification
for a father who doesn't wish to renounce the world! I have a sweet
and pretty daughter--who doesn't want to be a nun. So, to preserve
decency, I have to marry her off. What an aggravating necessity for a
father who loves his own comfort more than his daughter! What role
should I play?-- For the time being better keep them amused, so as to
have time to arrange matters in the way I wish.

(Enter Anna.)

Anna
What's going on, sir? I've just seen I don't know how many men down
there getting drunk. What guzzlers! They've already emptied more than
thirty bottles, and they complain they are dying of thirst. Who are
they?

Matthews
They're dancers and musicians.

Anna
They drink like marines.

Matthews
Well, aren't they doing their job?

Anna
Only when they drink at somebody else's expense. I ought to watch
them. But, sir, if you please, why have you brought this bacchanalia
into your home? Are you giving a ball tonight?

Matthews
Yes, child, I intend to give a kind of ball tonight, or rather a
little concert mixed with dancing. That's what I brought these
musicians and dancers for.

Anna
Better take away the drink then, for if they continue as they've
begun, you will have to carry them home.

Matthews
Never mind, don't worry about it--the more they drink, the better they
sound.

Anna
Well done! And how were you able to bring yourself to have such a
party--you, a sworn enemy to such diversions?

Matthews
I have reasons for it which everyone will learn before long. Besides,
as my daughter is a little bored, I thought a little diversion like
this would cheer her up.

Anna
It's true that music and dancing are pleasant, but I don't think this
is exactly what your daughter needs to get her health back.

Matthews
Oh, I see where you're coming from. You mean she needs a husband!

Anna
Without a doubt. A husband is a sort of prescription medicine for a
languishing daughter.

Matthews
I know my daughter: she's very virtuous.

Anna
Does it mean you can't want a husband because you're virtuous? On the
contrary, it's her virtue which makes an honest girl want a husband.
Those who are not so scrupulous have an easier time of it. I am going
to prove that to you.

Matthews
I don't need your proofs.

Anna
Suppose, for example, you had walked a long, hot road in the summer
heat.

Matthews
Well?

Anna
And that you were expressly forbidden to drink until you arrived at a
resting place where they were waiting for you with agreeable
refreshments.

Matthews
What an idea!

Anna
If you weren't forbidden, wouldn't you stop at an inn on the way? You
wouldn't be in such a hurry to get there if you hadn't scrupulously
observed the rule against drinking.

Matthews
I'll agree to that.

Anna
That's the exact picture of a young, emancipated woman. Elizabeth, on
the other hand, is a traveler who observes the rules with such a
scrupulous exactitude that she's reduced to the last extremity. Sir,
remember, one cannot always withstand thirst, so it's unwise to put a
young girl in the need of refreshing herself along the way by
extending the journey.

Matthews
You're wasting your breath, I don't believe that eagerness to get it
has caused Elizabeth's sickness.

Anna
Now, the doctors have lost their Latin for it, or rather, it's a
miracle that despite their remedies she's still alive in such a
perilous state.-- I am not going to stop! She sighs night and day; she
cries often; she falls in a languor--in a prostration which makes one
fear for her life. Damn, sir, I know what I'm talking about. These are
symptoms of an illness caused by love.

Matthews
You think she has some inclination in her heart?

Anna
I have not a doubt of it.

Matthews
Come on, come on, that cannot be. I am sure she herself doesn't know
what an inclination is.

Anna
Ignorant at twenty-five in an age when girls are so precocious!
Really, you cannot be so blind.

Matthews
I forbid you to say a word of this to her. You'll make her have ideas
she doesn't have.

Anna
Oh, I wager she has an imagination more vivid than mine.

Matthews
I am going to plan this evening's party.

(Exit Matthews.)

Anna
Useless for him to dissemble; my speech exposed him, but I dare not
yet hope--

(Enter Elizabeth.)

Elizabeth
Has my father gone? What did you tell him?

Anna
We spoke about your illness. We both rejoiced over your improvement.

Elizabeth
That was all?

Anna
You want to know if he spoke about your getting married?

Elizabeth
Shouldn't I think of it?

Anna
True, you're still a girl--and when one remains a virgin so long, one
runs the risk of remaining one forever. I've offered your father some
pretty thoughts on the matter.

Elizabeth
Did he seem to you more favorably disposed to my wishes?

Anna
Not at all. He believes you're still a child, and that you can no more
think of marriage than your sister Belinda.

Elizabeth
My mother warned me that if she died first, I would run the risk of
not being married for a long time.

Anna
We indeed see the fulfillment of her prophecy. Death--miss! We must
make an effort.

Elizabeth
What do you think I should do?

Anna
Tell your father how you feel. Tell him outright that he is stupidly
deceived in the opinion he has of you--and that you're too much of a
woman to remain a virgin much longer.

Elizabeth
I would never have the courage to tell him such a thing.

Anna
Then you must have the courage NOT to marry, and to wait patiently for
the old man to die.

Elizabeth
I've made up my mind about that.

Anna
You could do something to help yourself, but you will never have the
courage to do it.

Elizabeth
What could I do?

Anna
Cast your spell over some honest man, agree together, and marry
secretly.

Elizabeth
You give me advice like that?

Anna
My word, Miss, one has to help save your life. When a father pays no
attention to your needs--it is permitted to take care of oneself, if
one can do it honorably. Don't waste your time pretending, I am sure
you love Manly.

Elizabeth
I would have a lot to tell you if I were sure of your discretion.

Anna
I'm a woman, but I can keep a secret. And, if you doubt it, I don't
want to know anything.

Elizabeth
After all the proofs you've given me of your affection, I am sure you
wouldn't want me to be lost--and lost I will be, if you tell anyone
what I am about to confide in you.

Anna
I swear to you that your interests are more dear to me than my own.

Elizabeth
First of all, I swear to you that I love Manly with all my heart.

Anna
I never doubted that for a minute.

Elizabeth
And, I have promised to love him all my life.

Anna
You shouldn't make such a promise; a girl should never pin herself
down like that.

Elizabeth (puzzled)
Why?

Anna
Because a hundred to one, she will be unable to keep her word.

Elizabeth
I will keep mine with Manly.

Anna (maliciously)
You don't intend to marry him then?

Elizabeth
To the contrary, I've promised never to marry anyone else.

Anna
My word, Miss, love and marriage have been divorced for a long time
and have sworn never to live together. I hold their oaths are more
likely to be kept than yours.

Elizabeth
Stop joking; Manly and I have found a way to keep in touch.

Anna
I wish it. Is that all you have to tell me?

Elizabeth
I tremble to tell you the rest.

Anna
Oh! Oh! I'm afraid you've quenched your thirst en route.

Elizabeth
What do you meant by that?

Anna
You know what I mean by it.-- Continue!

Elizabeth
As Manly is my equal in birth, and besides has a considerable fortune,
we agreed that one of his friends should go to my father without
naming Manly as the person in question, to find out if my father would
be willing to give me in marriage to a person who is perfectly suited
to me.

Anna
Good.

Elizabeth
I cannot tell you how coldly he was received. In a word, my father
absolutely refused everybody who was named.

Anna
Death! There's a father who deserves a daughter who will marry
herself.

Elizabeth
Would you do such a thing?

Anna
Me? Ten times!

Elizabeth
Well, my poor Anna, I have already taken your advice. We've already
secretly married-- My aunt witnessed it at her house, where I am able
to meet Manly. Unfortunately, my happiness won't last long. My father
is alarmed at the frequent visits I make to my aunt. He has ordered me
not to go there and has forbidden Manly to come here. I am in despair
and my fret has throne me into a sickness I think I'll die of.

Anna
I am delighted to know all this-- And I want to help you-- But what do
I see?

(Enter Manly and Jeremy dressed as dancers.)

Jeremy
Come, sir, courage, we must kiss the hands of those two young ladies.

Manly
Shut up, you rogue, and think of showing some respect.

Jeremy
My word, I'm a little drunk. Drinking and respectfulness do not keep
the same company.

Manly
I fear this bibbler will ruin my plans. What a misfortune to have need
of you.

Elizabeth
Anna, who are these people?

Anna
They are two of the dancers your father has brought. They are dressed
to amuse, apparently.

Jeremy
Yes, my ladies, we come to give you a little moment of sport.

Anna
I know that mug!

Jeremy
Mug! Oh! Mug yourself!

Manly (to Jeremy)
Will you shut up?

Elizabeth
What do I hear? It's Manly's voice-- It's Manly that I see. Ah,
Heaven!

Manly
Don't be frightened, Elizabeth. Yes, it is Manly who presents himself
to you, and who cuts through insurmountable obstacles to obtain the
pleasure of seeing you.

Elizabeth
You couldn't surprise me more agreeably. My joy is so great that I can
hardly speak. But my happiness is cruelly crossed by the fact that my
father will discover you.

Manly
I beg you not to worry; this disguise hides me from his eyes so
effectively that he has no idea I am here--besides, he's seen me too
infrequently to spot me in this get-up.

Elizabeth
And how did you get in?

Manly
I sent the dancers and musicians to your home and paid them some money
to introduce me as one of their comrades. I thought it was wise that
Jeremy play a role, too. Jeremy doesn't dance badly, and I only do
passably well--and we ought to appear indistinguishable in the little
divertissement that is being prepared.

Anna
And, how can Jeremy help you? He is so drunk that he doesn't know
what's going on.

Jeremy
Don't worry, I'm never better than when I'm drunk. On my oath, I was
born to be a musician.

Anna
It would seem so. You're well adapted to your part.

Elizabeth
This man will infallibly give you away.

Jeremy
Eh! What a thing to say! Don't I know that your father is a brute who
refuses to see my master--and that my master has a passion that forces
him to see you despite your father. Therefore, for that reason, it
follows--that my master must see you without your father seeing him.
And me, like a discreet confidant,--it follows that I must see you
both while seeing nothing. Go, children, profit by the opportunity.
Two make a party. Have a nice time together while I amuse myself with
this hussy.

Elizabeth
Your valet makes me terribly nervous.

Manly
Rogue! If you give me away, I will give you a hell of a beating when
we are outside-- I cannot live without seeing you, my dear Elizabeth.

Jeremy
Nor I, without kissing you, my dear Anna.

Manly
I will enjoy the happiness heaven grants me now, knowing the perfect
felicity will be followed by a long period of sighing. But don't make
me worry for your life, that is the bounty that I beg on my knees.

Elizabeth
Yes, I promise you, I'll be all right. Manly, get up--if you are
caught in that position all will be lost.

Manly
No--I won't get up until you swear to me.

Anna
Peace! I hear someone.

(Enter Belinda, about ten years old.)

Belinda
Ah, ah, my sister, I caught you at it. A man at your feet. It's very
cute--really, ha, ha, ha.

Elizabeth
Oh, I am in despair. She will tell everything to my father.

Jeremy
Plague on the little critter.

Anna
What do you want here, Miss?

Belinda
You don't think of me. You each have one of your own, but you leave me
without one.

Elizabeth
What are you getting at, little scatterbrain?

Belinda
Hey, yes, yes, little scatterbrain. This gentleman here didn't whisper
sweet nothings in your ear--and this one didn't kiss Anna? Mere
tricks!

Jeremy
What do you want, little girl? If I understand you, I will give you a
spanking.

Belinda
A spanking. Ah, ah--listen.

Jeremy
Yes, a spanking. Come one, bring me a switch right away.

Belinda
Look at this drunk who wants to give me a whipping.

Jeremy
Drunk! This little minx is too smart to live.

Anna
Listen, little girl! Don't go telling stupid stories. It's your father
himself who invited these gentlemen.

Belinda
I am well aware he invited them. But to dance, not make love.

Elizabeth
What? You have the impudence--

Belinda
Come on, come on. I already know about THINGS. To be languorous, to
throw himself at your feet, to kiss your hands tenderly, to cast dying
looks--they call that making love--and I know perfectly well.

Manly
This little creature is very dangerous!

Belinda
I also caught my father doing the same thing this morning.

Anna
Your father?

Belinda
Yes, indeed. He was decked out like a young man. I didn't say anything
to him about it, but I watched him carefully.-- When I'm big, I will
remind him of it if he should try to prevent me from taking a lover.

Anna
Here's the most naughty little pest I've ever known.

Belinda
You're really irritated, aren't you, at what I've found out--for I can
make you furious and revenge myself on my sister who treats me like a
child, and who wants to be married before me.

Elizabeth
Well, you can get married first. Don't say anything.

Belinda
Good! I will marry first. You have the patience to wait till then?
Come, come, sister, marry this gentleman quickly--then they will soon
give me a chance to choose one for myself.

Elizabeth
Didn't I tell you that this gentleman is a dancer, and that I don't
find him attractive?

Belinda
Hey, yes! A dancer! What a dancer!

Anna
Certainly.

Belinda
It's no use for him to hide behind his mask.

Elizabeth
Go on, you're crazy.

Belinda
Hey, no. I didn't see him down there drinking with the musicians; I
didn't listen to him when he wasn't aware of it. He told them he'd
give them plenty of money if they would pretend he was one of them--
that he would be so upset, so upset, if my father saw him. Oh, if he's
so afraid of my father, then he must be your lover--for my father
doesn't want you to have any lovers. He's very wrong, because I think
this is very amusing.

Elizabeth
How miserable I am!

Belinda
Go, go, fear nothing, sister, put your affairs in repose. I will
prevent papa from coming here when he gets back--but, on the condition
that you will help me when I get big.

Elizabeth
I swear it.

Anna
Me, too.

(Exit Belinda.)

Anna
That little girl promises much. A ten year old to discover a secret
intrigue!

Elizabeth
I swear to you that I'm terribly nervous and I believe that although
you just got here, it would be better for you to leave.

Anna
And I, for one, think it isn't necessary. Count on Belinda saying
nothing. Wait till she gets married. What a talent for pacifying a
jealous husband. The man will be lost--for husbands in this country
are the nicest in the world and it doesn't take much skill to trap
them.

Elizabeth
Anna, really!--it would be better if you kept your mind on how to help
us, instead of giving vent to such silly ideas!

Anna
As you like. I am going to tell that precocious little girl not to say
a word to your father.

Elizabeth
I will be very much obliged to you.

Anna
On my word, here he is himself.

Elizabeth
Oh, we are discovered.

Jeremy
Watch yourselves carefully.

(Enter Mr. Matthews.)

Matthews
Good day, my dear, how are you feeling?

Elizabeth
Not very ill today, papa.

Anna
I wager it was Miss Belinda who sent you here.

Matthews
Oh no, she didn't want me to come. She told me Elizabeth had left with
you to take a walk in the Park.

Anna
That is what we spoke of doing in front of her, but Miss Elizabeth
changed her mind because she is a little indisposed--and because she
really loves dancing. I brought these gentlemen here while waiting for
your little show.

Matthews
You did very well.

Anna
They are dressed to play a very exciting part.

Matthews
They both look good.

Jeremy
Sir, in all modesty, we are very light on our feet. (falling drunkenly
on Matthews)

Matthews
Not so light, it would seem.

Anna
They are so drunk, both of them, that they haven't the strength to
dance two steps. I told you exactly what would happen.

Jeremy
Frankly, Mr. Matthews, you really have the finest wine to be had in
London, and if I weren't as sober as I am, I would be of half a mind
to take good care of it.

Matthews
It seems to me, you haven't been too thrifty with it.

Jeremy
The better to amuse you. Wine gives me a strength, a suppleness. Would
you like to dance a little entrée with me, Mr. Matthews?

Matthews
No, no, my boy, you will do better to go sleep and wait till
everybody's come.

Jeremy
You are a man of good counsel. Agreed! To sleep.

Matthews
I believe this one is not so drunk as the other fellow, because he
doesn't say a word.

Jeremy
He doesn't think the less. My master has a sad mind.

Matthews
What--his master?

Jeremy
Hey, yes, sure! I am only his assistant. Wait till you see him. He's
the best fellow in the world, and if you wish he will demonstrate with
your daughter.

Matthews
Do you feel like trying it with him?

Elizabeth
I wouldn't dare suggest it to you, papa, but if you wish it, it would
give me the greatest pleasure in the world.

Matthews
I retained you to show my daughter. She already has had good
instruction.

Jeremy
So much the better. My master always wishes to add to his scholars.

Manly (pretending to be drunk)
Don't worry. I will impart to her all my--hic--skills.

Matthews
As soon as you can, I beg you. I've just decided to marry her off--and
I want her to dance at her wedding.

Anna
And, to whom are you planning to marry her, if you please?

Matthews
To one of my best friends--we were students together.

Anna
With one of your school mates! Really, you're joking.

Matthews
What! Didn't you just tell me a little while ago that she needs a
husband?

Anna
Yes, sir. But believe me--but my word, will a man who was your school
mate be capable of restoring her to health?

Matthews
Mr. Nugent offers to take her without a dowry. I like that idea. He's
coming here immediately, and I had better get ready to see him.

(Exit Matthews.)

Jeremy
Madame Nugent, I am your very humble servant.

Manly
Double crosser! Is now a time to joke?

Elizabeth
Ah, Manly, what will become of us?

Elizabeth
Anna, help us with your advice.

Anna
I'm as flabbergasted as you, and what has just been said makes me even
more so.

Elizabeth
Ah, if only my brother Walter were here! He loves me and father really
cares about him. We could confide our secret to him and he would be
able to help us. But he's been in the country for the last eight days
and we don't know when he'll be back.

Jeremy
My God, what a mess you're in. But, I've found a way to get you out of
it.

Manly
What good can you do us in the state you're in?

Jeremy
Wine gives me wit.-- Silence, I am going to speak.

Manly
Let's see.

Jeremy
First of all, Miss Elizabeth must explain to her father, and do so
with great discretion and charm: Dear father, you don't know what
you're saying or doing.

Anna
Beautiful beginning.

Jeremy
And secondly, you must speak to this old scholar who wants to marry
Miss Elizabeth.

Manly
Well, what do I tell him?

Jeremy
You will beg him very kindly (for I wish to be kind to everybody) to
leave here as fast as he can, but on the condition that he never
return.

Manly
Nice thing to say.

Jeremy
So much the better if things fall out so that you don't have to do
anything.

Manly
What's so much the better?

Jeremy
Yes, indeed. We won't soon be defeated. Because if he refuses to leave
by the door, we must throw him out the window.

Manly
Oh, shut up, stupid--leave us alone so we can consider.

(Trim's voice: Tally-ho!)

Anna
I hear someone. It sounds like Trim.

Elizabeth
If it's Trim, my brother isn't far away.

Anna
Return to your room, Miss Elizabeth. You, gentlemen, go join your
pretended comrades. I wish to sound out Trim and learn from him
whether or not Walter has some inclination. In that case, you have
common interests, and I plan to unite them to upset your father's
plans.

Elizabeth
Good idea. We must let her try. Her efforts may be useful to us.

Manly
You can count on being rewarded in proportion to the degree your
services prove useful to us.

(Enter Trim, dressed for the hunt, with a hunting horn.)

Trim
Tally-ho! Tally-ho!

Anna
Eh! What's the reason for all this hunting noise? Have you lost your
mind, my boy?

Trim
No, my dear. I am just as clever as usual. Is Mr. Matthews home?

Anna
No.

Trim
Are you positive?

Anna
Absolutely certain! He would be very angry at your making such a
racket.

Trim (walking about the stage)
Tally-ho! Tally-ho!

Anna
Ah! You'll be the death of me! Stop it, and don't bore me anymore.
What devilish music is that?

Trim
Do you believe that Mr. Matthews heard me?

Anna
Without a doubt, and all the neighbors, too. (Trim blasts his horn)
But, what do I hear? More noise of the hunt. Are we in the time of the
fairies, and have I been suddenly transported into a forest?

Trim
Ah, my dear, I would love to find you in the depths of a dark wood.

Anna
Why? To cut my throat?

Trim
No, child, you wouldn't die of it. (another blast on the horn)

Anna
Why keep it up? What do you mean to do?


Trim
My master is hunting in his father's antechamber.

Anna
Would you mind telling me what this means?

Trim
It means that we make a noise.

Anna
Does your master wish to insult his father? Are you dreaming? Are you
possessed?

Trim
Oh, be patient, and you will learn everything.

Anna
Hurry up then! What's going on?

Trim
We are trying to make Mr. Matthews think we have returned from a big
hunting party in the country. We have just brought two mules home
laden with game.

Anna
Two mules! What poachers! Did you depopulate the entire countryside?

Trim
Indeed, yes. We haven't left anything in the meat shops.

Anna
What the deuce are you talking about?

Trim
We were not at Cliffordshire Manor as we wish to fool old man Matthews
into believing. We've only been to a village half a league from
London, and we haven't even killed a sparrow.

Anna
What were you doing there for eight days?

Trim
The plague! Beautiful business, but it is a secret that I am not
permitted to divulge to you.

Anna
Why not?

Trim
Because, my master has forbidden me to speak of it, and that's why I'm
dying from the desire to tell you the whole thing. Oh, the heavy
weight of a secret! Well--here it is--my master-- Stop there, Trim,
you are going to do something stupid.

Anna
You hide something from me,--from your mistress?

Trim
I agree: that's not in the rules. But, at the same time, I have a
thought: my mistress is a woman. Would she be a woman if she were not
a person incapable of keeping her mouth shut and under the compulsion
to reveal the greatest secret within twenty-four hours or die?

Anna
Don't worry. I--I am stronger than a man about discretion. Speak or I
will break with you.

Trim
You take me on my tender side. All right, I've got to tell you. The
greatest men engage in madness for these little bitches.-- Nobody can
hear us?

Anna
Not unless you speak loudly.

Trim
The devil! There are not childish games.

Anna
Well, then?

Trim
If someone discovers the mystery, my master will be disinherited--
there it is, more or less.

Anna
The deuce!

Trim
And I, on the other hand, will inherit a beating. I don't like the
idea of such a windfall.

Anna
You are only exciting my curiosity. Where have you been?

Trim
We were-- Shh! Here comes the old man. I've got to pacify him
adroitly on this subject. Leave us--I will join you as soon as I can.

(Exit Anna. Enter Matthews without seeing Trim.)

Matthews
To play me such a trick!

Trim (aside)
He seems to be in a rage.

Matthews
To try to put one over on me with such effrontery--a story like that.

Trim
Have we been found out?

Matthews
To have the audacity to say he came from Cliffordshire Manor.

Trim
The mine is blown.

Matthews
I wish to know if that devil Trim will also have the effrontery to
pass this imposture off on me.

Trim
He knows everything.

Matthews (seeing Trim)
Please? Ah, you here. I'm very glad to find you, Mr. Scamp.

Trim
Good day, sir, how are you?

Matthews
That has nothing to do with your business.

Trim
Pardon, sir. The interest that I take in your precious health from the
moment that I am separated from you, creates in my foreboding heart,
sentiments of the most lively tenderness, and delivers it into the
turmoil of the excess of both tender and passionate emotions. Now, you
are well, and I rejoice over it.

Matthews
Double crosser! It's not a question of this gammon you are telling me.

Trim
Anything you please. What is it a question of?

Matthews
Tell me where my son has been for the last week!

Trim
Didn't he tell you?

Matthews
He told me that he was at Cliffordshire Manor.

Trim
Well, that's the truth.

Matthews
Didn't I predict you would tell me that?

Trim
Yes, I said so, and I will continue to say so. When I tell the truth,
I fear nobody.

Matthews
I have to admire the effrontery of this gallows-bird.

Trim (wishing to escape)
Oh--if you're getting irritated.

Matthews
Stay put, or I'll brain you.

Trim
Is there something I can do to serve you? You have only to speak.

Matthews
And you, you have only two choices to make.

Trim
Let us see.

Matthews
Take two pounds or be pounded on the head twenty times.

Trim
Simple choice. I'll take the two pounds.

Matthews (giving him money)
Here they are.

Trim
Thank you, sir. I wish you a good day.

Matthews (astounded)
You're going somewhere?

Trim
Yes, indeed. Didn't I choose?

Matthews
And have you told me what I want to know?

Trim
What sir?

Matthews
Where did you spend the entire week? I know that it wasn't at
Cliffordshire Manor. Clifford's aunt, the Countess, has come. She was
staying with Clifford for two weeks, and she just told me that my son
had not put in an appearance.

Trim
She wouldn't dare to say that to my face.

Matthews
That we'll see. She's still here.

Trim
Oh, if she's still here, I have nothing to say. I cannot tell a woman
of her quality that she's crazy.

Matthews
You're trying to put me off the scent. But you won't succeed. I'm on
my guard. Come on, tell the truth.

Trim
Oh, willingly! It's my character to tell the truth.

Matthews
You sanctimonious hypocrite!

Trim
So, to tell you exactly--

Matthews
The double crosser is going to lie! But, reckon, that will serve
nothing. I know where you were.

Trim
If you know, why do you ask me?

Matthews
I want to hear it from your own mouth.

Trim
Oh, fie, sir! Where is honor, where is probity? I give the word of a
gentleman. Admit to me that you know nothing if I keep silent.

Matthews'
If you keep silent, I will roast you.

Trim
They will be blows wasted. I have shoulders equal to any beating. I am
of the race of sergeants and blows cannot frighten an illustrious
member of my family.

Matthews
A singularly well-bred villain.

Trim
It is I who have an interest to make you admit that you are totally
ignorant of where we have been.

Matthews
Why?

Trim
Because I am sensible of the honor. I want to be able to boast that
you have caught me, and gained nothing from your money.

Matthews
Well, I admit that all I know is that you were not where you said.

Trim
You don't know any more than that?

Matthews
No, that's the truth.

Trim
So much the better! May the plague choke me if I tell you any more.

Matthews
You won't speak?

Trim
Here's your money. I have the right to keep my mouth shut.

Matthews
And, I have the right to brain you.

Trim
Strike. I will make you see that I have degenerated not one whit from
the intrepidity of my forebears.

Matthews
His impudence leaves me helpless, and I know no more where I'm at than
before. I order you to leave my house, and to never let me see you
again.

(Exit Matthews.)

Trim
My word, I've had to withstand a rude assault--but, I brought it off
like a gentleman. Now, let's look for my master. I have to instruct
him.-- Here he is in the nick of time.

(Enter Walter.)

Walter
What's the matter with you, Trim?

Trim
Nothing. Just thinking about a terrible beating I almost got because
of you.

Walter
Because of me! And who is the rogue who wished to beat you?

Trim
Your honored father.

Walter
I don't understand a word. Are you joking?

Trim
No, indeed. The Countess of Cliffordshire has just informed Mr.
Matthews that we were nowhere near her nephew's estate.

Walter
Ah, the old fool. She has sworn to make me unhappy. It isn't the only
evil she has done me.

Trim
I know she's the devil.

Walter
You know she's been in love with me for the last two years and she's
mad for me to respond to her.

Trim
That's the truth! I've helped you deceive her a bit: you’ve had some
narrow escapes.

Walter
Here, you see, she's coming to persecute me some more.

Trim
Leave her to me. I'll give her her walking papers.

(Enter the Countess.)

Countess
Well, sir, you've finally decided to stop hoping for me.

Walter
Me, Madame? I have no intention of giving you any trouble.

Trim
He doesn't think you're the only one in the world.

Countess
I don't know about that! What's all this about your little hunting
trip?

Walter
Madame, with your indulgence, I really don't have any story to tell
you.

Countess
You don't owe me any explanation, little rogue! I can tell you better.
You must tell me now where you've been for the last eight days. Are
you pretending to me that you were with Clifford?---- I'm waiting,
faithless one, and I flatter myself that love will draw it from you.

Trim
Madame, he prayed for love to lead him, but unfortunately, they lost
their way and became separated.

Countess
Eh! You should have followed love, ingrate! How could you be in league
together, when I wasn't there?

Trim
They didn't know their way, Madame. Or me either. Love is blind, I
hear tell--and when one takes love for a guide, it's easy to get lost.

Countess
All this gallantry is useless. I want him to answer my questions
himself.

Walter
It suits you, Madame, to reproach me--after all you have done to
embroil me with my father. If my absence bothered you, you should have
had an explanation with me--I would have explained everything. But,
after the service you have just done me, I will tell you plainly, you
will learn nothing.

Countess
I will learn nothing! You will explain to me or I will strangle you.

Trim
Let it go, Madame--he's a bullhead, and won't say a thing. I will
respond to you; I will interpret his thoughts.

Countess
Well--speak, and I will recompense you in accordance with your
sincerity.

Trim
You have a very tender feeling for him.

Countess
So much, you cannot imagine. I lose my wits, my poor Trim.

Trim
It's apparent. You want him to respond with a tenderness equal to your
own.

Countess
Haven't I the right to expect it?

Trim
There are pros and cons to this business. He knows how you feel toward
him. He's a very penetrating fellow. There it is, Madame, I wager a
hundred pounds against you that he can never love you.

Countess
He can never love me, villain? I don't know what prevents me from
scratching your eyes out.

Trim
Softly, if you please. It is not I who am insensible to your charms--
on the contrary, I find them very--piquant--although they're not of
the first edition.

Countess
He can never love me! (to Walter) Is he speaking the truth, perfidious
wretch?

Walter
Madame, in truth--I am in confusion, if my heart were---- Trim,
explain all this to Madame La Comtesse.

Countess
He can never love me!

Trim
No, Madame, but it's your fault, not his.

Countess
It's my fault--after all that I've done?

Trim
That's true. We don't disagree. But the fact is, you have such
nobility in your looks, such majesty, and I don't know what that's
grave and imposing--that it can only inspire him with esteem and
respect. Love doesn't rub off from such venerable personages.

Countess
If my features inspire him with respect, my glances ought to inspire
him with love.

Trim
That's where we disagree.

Countess
You cannot disagree.

Walter
Hold, Madame, I've great obligations to you; I am too gallant a man
not to speak to you sincerely. Let me then disabuse you, and say to
you, with all respect, that I owe you that.

Countess
Don't finish, you double crosser. I know where that little speech is
going to end.

Trim
But, you are very wrong, Madame.

Countess
I am wrong, me! I am wrong! In what respect, if you please?

Trim
You're wrong to come into the world twenty years before he did. Why
were you in such a hurry? If you loved him with so much tenderness,
you ought to have planned ahead, and seen to it that he was born five
or six years before you.

Countess
That depends on me?

Trim
No, Madame. But it doesn't depend on him to love you.

Countess
Then, why was it necessary to deceive me with false protestations?

Trim
They were not his.

Countess
And, whose then?

Trim
His father's who let it all happen. You offered to help him in his
needs. The occasion was pressing. He saw a way to profit by your
generosity. For recompense you wanted signs of love. The poor boy put
himself to incredible expense in sighs and protestations. You treated
it as a trifle, and he had no other coin to pay you in.

Countess
You say not a word to this, sir?

Walter
My word, Madame, he who makes no protest consents.

Trim
Would you like me to tell you a way to revenge yourself on him?

Countess
You would give me a great satisfaction, because I am beside myself.

Trim
And I, I who speak to you, I am in a rage against him. Let's stand a
little further off.

Walter
What the devil's he going to say to her?

Trim
What are you looking for in a husband, Madame?"

Countess
A nice young man.

Trim
Well, I am your man. I will marry you, if you wish.

Countess
Get away from me, you wretch!

Trim
I will avenge you better than anyone else.

Countess
Get out, I tell you--I have a more sure way to punish this infidel.

Trim
That's what I'm afraid of.

Walter
And, what have I to fear?

Countess
Everything. I am going to marry you, in spite of yourself.

Walter
Marry me! Ah, Madame, you wouldn't be as cruel as that.

Countess
Yes, perjurer! I have just asked you from your father. I offered to
take you without a penny. My proposition was agreeable and he accepted
it, and that is enough for me. Goodbye, sir. Think about it. But, get
it in your head that I am to be your wife. I have sworn it--it will
be--and I am the one who tells you so,--and I am your very humble
servant.

(Exit Countess.)

Trim
She's woman enough to do just as she said--at the very least.

Walter
What a mess the crazy old fool has put me in.

(Enter Elizabeth and Anna.)

Elizabeth
Oh, brother dear, I really need your help.

Walter
Oh, sis, I really need your help.

Elizabeth
My father has put me in despair.

Walter
My father wishes me to die of sorrow.

Elizabeth
Papa intends to marry me to Mr. Nugent.

Walter
He wants me to marry the old countess.

Elizabeth
I'll die if I do it.

Walter
I'll die if I don't resist him.

Anna
Here's a good beginning. Our fortunes are parallel--and don't they
resemble each other in other respects?

Walter
Ah, Anna! My sister has less to complain of than I. She lacks the
strength to resist--and she will end up living with a man she has the
right to hate; but my fate is more cruel. For, I cannot follow
father's orders or explain to him the reasons that prevent me from
doing so.

Anna
We are in the same boat!

Walter
How can that be?

Anna
Explain yourself a little more and we will do the same.

Elizabeth
Brother--hide nothing from me, I beg you.

Walter
Ah, sister; I dare not speak. The slightest indiscretion and I am
lost.

Anna
Same here. A single word is capable of ruining everything.

Elizabeth
Brother, do you believe I am capable of betraying you?

Walter
I can't conceal anything from you--Trim--tell her what has happened. I
haven't the strength to do it myself.

Trim
Me, sir--reveal a secret! You take me for someone else.

Walter
All that I will admit--generally--is that I cannot marry from now on.

Elizabeth
Alas, brother, it is no longer permitted that you consent to the
marriage proposed for me.

Walter
The hardness of my father has constrained me to certain measures which
I am unable to take back.

Elizabeth
The same reason has put me under the necessity of consenting to
engagements which can no longer be broken.

Walter
I am already married, sis.

Elizabeth
I am already married, brother.

Walter
Ah, heavens, who is your spouse?

Elizabeth
Manly.

Walter
Manly--I know him. He's one of my friends.

Elizabeth
And who is the wife you have taken?

Walter
Julia. Miss Prescott.

Elizabeth
I know her. She's a darling.

Anna
So, the confidence has taken place.

Elizabeth
What role do you play, brother?

Walter
That of exposing myself to everyone rather than break my marriage
vows. And you, sis?

Elizabeth
To die, rather than break my word.

Anna
Here comes your father, with the Countess and Mr. Nugent.

Walter
I tremble.

Elizabeth
I can't any more.

(Enter Matthews, The Countess, and Mr. Nugent.)

Matthews
Here they are--both of them. I am going to make them agree to the
projects we've formed.

Countess
Here's where you must employ all your parental authority.

Nugent
For myself, I make no pretence to the hand of Miss Elizabeth, unless
she gives it to me from her heart.

Matthews
Oh, it's you, the huntsman. When will your return to Cliffordshire
Manor?

Walter
Father, if you will only listen to me.

Matthews
I don't have to listen. To mend the wrong you've done me, you must
prepare to obey me.

Walter
If what you order me to do is possible--if not, then I can't do it.

(Enter Belinda.)

Belinda
Papa, there are, I don't know how many maskers who have just come in
because they heard the violins. They are very nice. Do you want to let
them come here?

Matthews
They are very welcome. On a day like this, we must think only of
spreading joy.

(Enter Julia, Manly, and other Maskers.)

Countess
The assembly is not numerous, but it is agreeable. Come here, Walter,
here is a happy day for you.

Matthews
Assuredly, a happier one than he deserves.

Countess
You've been told my intentions.

Walter
Madame.

Countess
Now, I will marry you. All your rivals will die of jealousy--but you
deserve victory. As for the rest, your esteemed father has given his
word for our marriage.

Nugent
And, he promised me, too, Miss, that I will have the honor of marrying
you.

Matthews
Say something.

Countess
He's so overwhelmed with joy that he lacks the strength to thank me.

Nugent
Missy doesn't seem to me so rejoiced by the news I've brought her.

Matthews
We'll speak of that later, Madame. Let's think of our entertainment.

Countess
No, if you please, I want to finish. I only dance when I feel like it.

Walter
If you're in such a hurry to finish, Madame, I will take the liberty
of saying to you, with my father's permission--that I do not at all
wish to get married.

Countess (grandly)
All that is useless.

Walter
I have great respect for you, Madame--but that is all your person
inspires me with.

Matthews
It isn't a question of love or respect. The offer Madame made to me
was so advantageous for you, and for me, that you cannot do better
than marry her.

Walter
Does self interest oblige you to render me miserable? Cast a father's
eyes at me, and don't drive a son who throws himself at your feet to
despair. For I am resolved to die a thousand times rather than let
myself be mercilessly sacrificed.

Matthews
Get up, rogue, you will wait for me.

Walter
I won't get up unless you hear my reasons.

Matthews
I'm sure they're good ones. But I've given my word to Madame. As for
that, I don't wish to force you to marry her--but I beg you to resolve
this out of love for me. Can you refuse a request asked by your
father?---- When he has the right to make you obey him?

Walter
Heaven is my witness, I have tried to conquer my distaste and to
respond in kind to such a soft and obliging proceeding; if it still
depended on me to comply with your wishes in this--but you force me to
tell you, before the whole world, that I am not free and my word is
pledged forever.

Matthews
Forever! Without my consent?

Walter
Only consider the difficult step I have just taken. You never wanted
me to marry. I have taken a wife without your consent. My uncle, and
all my relatives advised me to do it. And it was in their presence
that I married Julia, Miss Prescott, a week ago.

Matthews
I'm delighted to know that, Mr. Rogue, I know what measures I must
take.

Walter
All your measures will be useless. I pray heaven to destroy me, if I
ever take another wife, except Julia, Miss Prescott. All the world
knows Julia,--Miss Prescott, to be wise and virtuous. She had noble
birth and a fortune large enough so that we can live comfortably
without having a charge on you. The whole world is ours.

Matthews
It infuriates me to agree he's right, and that I cannot disapprove
this marriage without injustice.

Countess
Well! I can break it, even if you are crazy enough to approve it.

Walter
And, by what right, Madame, if you please?

Nugent
Believe me, Madame, it's better to swallow the pill quietly.

Countess
Wait and see. He will marry me or I will have him abducted.

(Exit Countess.)

Matthews
Let her talk. It's a woman speaking. Anna, go find Julia. When you
cannot prevent things, you have to accept them with a good grace. I am
going to tell her myself that I recognize her as my daughter.

Julia (unmasking)
Here I am, sir. Let me receive this precious title and tell you that I
will do everything possible to be worthy of it.

Matthews
Ah, my daughter-in-law was in the masquerade. Be welcome, Madame. It’s
not necessary that I say anything more to you as you've overheard
everything.

Julia
I am touched by your kindness, and you will never regret it.

Walter
What a recompense I owe you father.

Matthews
Forget the sweet talk. Let's enjoy ourselves by celebrating another
marriage, the one between my daughter and Mr. Nugent.

Anna
Now, it's your turn, Miss. You must jump the ditch.

Elizabeth
While you're disposed to pardon, father, and since you've shown so
much indulgence to my poor brother and Julia. Let me ask you for the
same grace.

Matthews
What now?

Elizabeth
I don't love this gentleman. If my life means anything to you, don't
force me to marry him. I've thought about dying for a long time during
my illness--which was brought on by your refusal to let me marry
Manly. Be sure I am going to die at your feet if you don't approve my
marriage to Manly as well.

Matthews
If I don't approve the marriage! You're secretly married, too?

Elizabeth
It's with great confusion that I admit it. Yes, father, Manly is my
husband. I've been married to him for the last six months, and my aunt
who has a fortune wished to unite us together.

Matthews
Your uncle, your aunt. By God, I'm indebted to my brother and sister
for the care they take of my children! Well, here's an affair for
which there's less remedy than the other. Mr. Nugent, I cannot break
this marriage without dishonoring my daughter.

Nugent
There's nothing for me to do but leave this honorable company.

(Exit Nugent with a cold bow.)

Matthews
Come, come, I am well aware there's nothing I can do. Let some one
tell Manly that I accept him as my son-in-law--but on condition that
he gets nothing from me until I die.

Manly (unmasking)
I accept this condition with all my heart. I'm very happy you deign to
give me Elizabeth, who is worth a hundred times more to me than all
the wealth in the world.

Matthews
Oh, my dancing master, you demonstrate to my daughter without my
permission?-- As for that, children, I pardon your faults and your
follies, provided you pardon mine.

Walter
What's that mean, father?

Matthews
I am secretly married, too. Me, your modest father.

Trim
Without our consent?

Matthews
I didn't wish to declare the business for fear it might upset you, but
this development mutually excuses all.

Walter
Let's see our step-mother, and we will receive her with all the
tenderness and respect we owe you.

Matthews
She is also in the masquerade, and it was for her that I planned the
party. Deign to unmask, Madame, and take these young marrieds for your
children.

Sonia (unmasking)
I'm very happy to enter into so loveable a family. I hope they are as
happy as I am to be their mother.

Trim
Anna, shall we give our consent to this marriage?

Anna
One could criticize it. But, come, it's necessary to grant a general
amnesty.

Belinda
Papa. I have one more blessing to ask you.

Matthews
What? My God, wench, are you secretly married, too?

Belinda
No, no, Papa. I don't want to be married except by your consent. So I
bet you; it would be so nice.

Matthews
We shall see in a few years. Good Lord, it's a rage that runs through
the entire family.

Trim
The company is getting impatient. Let the entertainment begin.


CURTAIN





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