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Title: The English Rogue: Continued in the Life of Meriton Latroon, and Other Extravagants - The Second Part
Author: Head, Richard, Kirkman, Francis
Language: English
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Copyright Status: Not copyrighted in the United States. If you live elsewhere check the laws of your country before downloading this ebook. See comments about copyright issues at end of book.

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                             English Rogue:
                                 IN THE
                           _MERITON LATROON_,
                        And other Extravagants.

                           COMPREHENDING THE

                          MOST EMINENT CHEATS

                     _Most Trades and Professions_.

          Read, _but do'nt_ Practice: _for the Author findes_,
          _They which live Honest have most quiet mindes_.


                            The Second Part.


                       Licensed _Feb. 22. 1668_.


         _London_, Printed for _Francis Kirkman_, and are to be
            sold at his Shop over against the Custome-House,
                       in _Thames-Street_, 1671.

                              The Epistle
                                 TO THE


_It hath been one of the greatest Errors in most Authors to think by
their high Dedications to advance their Books, when as on the contrary,
I have known some of the better sort of Books (though Dedicated to
Worshipful, Honorable, Illustrious, and Reverend Patrons; nay and
sometimes to Majesty it self) instead of being preferred in Book-sellers
shops (and according to their merit bound in Turky or Murrey Leather
gilt, and richly adorned) only to be found in loose sheets at Cooks and
Tobacco-shops, disposed under greasie Pies, to stop Mustard-pots, and to
wrap up Mundungoes Tobacco, or at best (after more cost than was
intended by the Author in damasking and figuring it) used in Truncks and
Hat-cases: and all this hath happened because there was not a fit choice
of a power full Book-seller, which out of profit and interest might
prefer and advance the same._

_Now that I might not run into the same Error, and have the like
misfortune, being very well acquainted how much prejudice or profit I
may receive in your stifling and slighting, or preferring and advancing
this Piece, and I (being desirous that it should sell, for to that end
in part was it written and Printed) therefore make choice of you for my
Patrons and Protectors._

_Gentlemen, I hope what hath been particularly written in this Book of
your Trade, will not be offensive to you in general, neither that any
particular Person will be offended, unless such as are guilty; and for
their sakes it was written, that they may see their vicious enormities,
and amend them._

_Though all these misdemeanors are charged upon the score of one man, as
being acted by one; yet i’le assure you I know not any one person guilty
of all, though it is possible that they are all true, or else our_
Extravagant _(who recounts his story) gives misinformation: and I for my
own part have so much Charity to believe, that there are several of your
Trade honest-men, and not at all guilty of any thing here Charged on
our_ Extravagants _Master: To those I suppose, I rather do a kindness
than a prejudice in unfolding the Mysterious Knaveries of the Trade, and
in requital I hope they will be my Protectors, in preferring this Piece,
not only to their Customers in_ London, _but to their Chapmen in the
Countrey, and thereby save me the trouble of it: And as for those who
being conscious of their own guilt, are offended with what is here
written, and out of revenge will refuse to protect or sell this Piece, I
am well enough satisfied, and by their refusal or slighting, both I and
the Book-buyer shall by their anger conclude their guilt._

_And Gentlemen, it is very well known to you, that the first part of
this book hath (notwithstanding many oppositions) done its business,
being generally liked and approved of; and I am told (by the ingenious)
that this will not come short of the former in pleasure, and exceed it
in profit: and therefore I doubt not of the sale, and I hope it will be
so far from staining your Reputations, that on the contrary, you may
reap credit; besides, as you may gain credit, so you will have profit by
the sale, and that I know will be a very great inducement to you._

_For both which causes I hope you will not refuse me your assistance,
which I know may be powerful; and I shall for the future discourse your
civilities, and at present subscribe myself_

                                            Your friend and Servant,

                                                         _Fra. Kirkman_.



                      _The Preface to the Reader._


The First Part of this Book being so generally well received, I was
induced to procure it to be prosecuted in a second; and to that end I
often solicited the Author to proceed according to his promise; but he
was deterred for several reasons, the most prevalent whereof he told me
was this, That he had reaped a great deal of ignominy by writing of
that; for many people were so ignorant, as to believe that it was a true
and exact account of the Authors life; especially after they had upon
acquaintance or inquiry found that he was indeed guilty of some petty
waggeries which are therein recited; and therefore concluding him guilty
of the whole, lookt on him as a dangerous person, and shunned and
avoided his company, lest they should be damaged thereby, or at
leastwise scandalized; others gazing on him at a distance with the eyes
of wonder.

Now let me tell you that though I was wholly a stranger to the Author,
when he writ that Book, yet I have been since so well acquainted with
him, that I can directly clear him from the guilt of most of those
enormities contained therein. For in the first place, it is sufficiently
known to me, and many persons more, that he was never upon the Padd: for
I am confident he was never guilty of so base a valour, as either to Rob
a house, or bid a man stand on the Road. Next as to the Cheats,
especially those in Gaming; though he professes so much knowledge
therein, in his Book; yet I am sure of this, (let him be never so well
acquainted in the Theory) that he is ignorant in the practical part
thereof, having been the cheated, not the Cheater, of a good round sum
of mony, which he lost at Dice in my presence, and to my prejudice; and
I believe, that although (what he did write in the first part of the
Book, _Chapter_ 25. about his loss at Dice;) that might be in jest, yet
now he might say in earnest. The Lines are these,

         _I thought my self secure, for I could top,
         By which I've forc’d some Citt’s to leave their shop.
         I palm’d, and put the change upon them too,
         I only studied how I might undo.
         But now I'm met with, 'tis but just I see,
         That he which others cheats should cheated be._

He being clear of these two crimes, Thieving and Cheating (which are the
most Capital,) I know not why he should be avoided for any other, though
we suppose him guilty of many female frauds, his inclination leading him
to be a lover (though Mercurial and unconstant) of the Female sex; with
whom I suppose he may have acted some of the adventures by him recited,
and those passages, with what others he thought or heard of: and whereof
many persons in this our age are guilty, he having methodiz’d, is the
main part of his Book; and the intent of his writing, it was to shew the
deformity of vice, that every one might shun it. The two lines which he
placed on the Title page of many of his Books, sufficiently
demonstrating the Authors intent. The words are these,

           _Read, but don't practice: since the Author finds
           They which live honest, have most quiet minds._

Thus, although the intent of his writing was good, and the effects
proved answerable in the sale of the Book, yet could I not procure him
to proceed, though I offered him my assistance, in acquainting him with
my experience; but all would not do: Wherefore I applyed my self to
another, a brother of the same trade; a professed Author, and one who
hath been happy enough in the sale of many of his writings; him I
courted into a complyance with my desire, and perswaded to begin to
write somewhat to the purpose; I proposing only to him to give an
account of the knavery of many trades and professions. I gave him my
best instructions, and laid my ground-work well enough, as I hoped to
have him proceed: But so soon as he knew my intention of making his
writing a part of (by joyning it to) _The Rogue_, with some anger he
left it, and refused to proceed.

He having thus laid down the Cudgels, I then took them up my self, and
those loose scribled papers which I had written for his instruction to
proceed upon, I viewed over, and after some small correction they serve
for the greatest part of this Treatise.

In what I have written; I begin first with my self (as we all ought to
do when we intend to amend,) and give an account of the greatest
_Knaveries_ which I know, or can at present call to mind, there are or
have been committed in two trades; the one a Scrivener, in which I was
bred, and the other a Book-seller, in which I have been now above twelve
years, on and off, a professed Practitioner. When I was a child I was
intended to be a _Church-man_ in profession, as well as name; but the
time proving unhappy, and no encouragement for that profession, and my
Father aiming at some imployment that might be profitable, and knowing
the trade of a Scrivener to be so, was for that cause enduced to place
me with a Master of that quality, (though my inclination led me rather
to the Book-selling Employ.) Being thus placed out, I not only
endeavoured to learn my calling; but also at all spare times plyed my
Book; and though I had a very great employment under my Master, yet I
made a shift not only to read much, and learn the _French_ and other
Languages, but to write somewhat for the Press. And now I am speaking of
my Master (in regard in part of this Book, I give an account of the
_Knaveries_ of the Scriveners trade) it will be convenient to say
somewhat to clear him from any guilt therein, or else it may be supposed
that I mean him: But they that think so are much mistaken, for he then
was, and still is a solid, honest, sober Citizen; and not in the least
as I know of, guilty of any misdemeanour in his practice: and it was my
folly, and not his fault to leave him: for after about five years
service with him, I went to another, and from thence forward it was that
I gained the first experience of the _Knavery_ of that profession; and
since then, not only by keeping company with some of them, but also by
my own experience and practice, (though not as the Cheater, but
_Cheated_,) I can truly write a _Probatum est_ to what I have written of
that Profession, and if occasion were, give a _Clavis_ or _Key_, to
discover most, if not all of those several pieces of _Knavery_ I have
here discoursed of: And thus much for the Scrivener.

And as for the Book-sellers trade, my inclination leading me to it very
much, I did about twelve years ago publickly profess it, in keeping a
Shop, wherein I used as well the Bookselling, as the Scriveners quality;
but having knaves to deal with, of whom I bought some part of my ware, I
soon left off the Bookselling trade, only keeping to the other; in which
I sufficiently profited my self; And I defie all the world to charge me
with any _Knavery_ in the whole course of my practice; which during the
time of great buildings at the East part of _London_, (where I dwelt) I
gained much; but that ceasing, and the tide of employment ebbing at the
East part, I thought it would be convenient to remove West-ward,
especially, his Majesty being then happily and gloriously returned, and
fixed at that end of the Town. And therefore taking a house and shop,
that I might have two strings to my Bow, I again professed both Trades,
of a Scrivener and Bookseller. I now thought my self wise enough to deal
with the Booksellers; but I soon found my self deceived, to my cost, for
I was drawn in by some of that profession to be concern’d in printing of
Play-books; in which, I having skill, and much affection to the matter,
willingly engaged. I, for my part, only printed three, which were my own
proper Copies; and they, (though I dissuaded them there-from) made
choice of the best Playes then extant; though the Copies were other
mens, I thought this criminal, but they made a tush at it.

The owner of the Copies hearing of this wrong done to them, gained a
Warrant to seize them: My Partners secured theirs, and one of them had
so much cunning _Knavery_ as to come to me, and sell me his share, and
within a day or two after delivery, directed the Officers (who had
warrant to seize) to my house, where they at once took from me 1400
Play-books; the value whereof is easily computed to be considerable.

This happening in time of much business (for my Mother was then lately
dead, and my Father dying) I could not look after the recovery of my
books, which I heard were divided, and I never to this day had
satisfaction of one or other. My Father soon after dying, and leaving me
a plentifull estate, I resolved to quit all Trading in general, retire
into the Country, and lead a Contemplative life; (for indeed I never had
a love for any Trade, hating the business in general, and only used them
for a livelyhood). I having thus given out, had several offers from
Book-sellers to buy my books (which were of a considerable value, being
valued at some hundreds of pounds;) He who had so lately Cheated me, did
amongst others desire to havè them, and did ingeniously confess the
trick he had lately put upon me: and this his ingenious confession he
made as an argument for me to trust him with the rest of my Books:
Though I should have made this use of his confession, not to deal with
him further, yet he promising all honesty for the future, I again agreed
to trust him with my whole Stock, and thereby did I agree to cheat my
self; for though it was his fault to cheat me the first time, yet now it
was only mine, to let him do it after so fair a knowledge as he did; for
though he lived some years after that, yet I could never get any
considerable returns for my Stock of Books, and he in the late great
Contagion dying, was considerably indebted to me, and I hoping to get
what he owed me, ventured to possess my self of his Estate, and pay
several Debts which he owed to others: but they proved so many, and his
Estate so small, that I was worse than I was before; and this gave me so
sensible a squeeze that I yet am sensible of.

And this is the only occasion that hath again made me engage my self in
the Book-selling employment: which although I have now used above twelve
years, and in that time laid out several hundreds of pounds in Printing,
yet I was never engaged in printing any Book that was another mans
Propriety, except when I was drawn in by the three Booksellers, and as I
have already told you, and which was so much to my loss: And as for my
Trading in the Scriveners employment, where it is usual for most of that
Trade to keep the best bargains of Lands and Houses for themselves, and
put off the worst to their Customers, I have not done so, but it hath
been my unhappiness to have the worst bargains of houses of any, which I
still keep: and though they did cost me many hundreds of pounds, yet
they are rather a trouble, than any addition to the rest of my estate.
And if I was ever guilty of dealing hardly with, or griping any of my
Clients when I was a publick practitioner, (as I cannot remember any
such action,) I am sure I have been (since I left the publick Profession
of a Scrivener) worse served by some of that quality, with whom I have
had some particular dealing.

I have given you this account of my transactions, to acquaint you how
_Roguishly_ I have been dealt with, and that I am (and must needs be,
out of all these experiences) able to give you a considerable account of
the greatest _Knaveries_ and _Cheats_ of these two Trades. And what hath
cost me so dear, I here (for publick good) present to you for a small
price; for I’le assure you, I have oftentimes had a Fee given me for my
Advice in one of these many Cases were opened by the Scrivener, and that
part of this Book (if well considered and understood) may and will be of
very great use and consequence to any person who hath any converse in
the world. Besides the _Knaveries_ and _Cheats_ of these two Trades, you
have those of several others, as a _Barber-chyrurgeon_, a _Tapster_, a
_Cook_, a _Lock-smith_, _Taylor_, _Baker_, _Plaisterer_, _Drugster_, and
many others; and in pourtraying of them I have not affected words but
matter, I have written as I would have spoken, and as much in little as
possibly I could. Here is that which (I hope) will please all humours,
both the frollick and the serious, nay some of the factious too will buy
this Part as well as the first; and to make that out, I’le tell you a
late, but true story.

The Author of the first Part being with a Friend at an Ale-house,
drinking at a publick fire (there being also at the same time two
Crop-ear’d fellows) he accidentally was talking about the Book, and
relating to his Friend the trouble he under-went at the first publishing
thereof, by reason it was not then licensed. Yes, said his Friend, I
remember that some of the Clergy were very much offended, and you as
well as the Printers, were like to have suffered Imprisonment. Why, what
was the matter; said one of these fellows, what were the Bishops
troubled at it? Yes, said the Author, I was forced to absent my self for
some dayes, till the heat of the matter was over: having said thus, he
left the room at present, and the two men taking the opportunity of his
absence, enquired of his Friend what he was, and what was the reason of
the Bishops anger? To this his Friend replyed, that the Author was a
very honest man, (which they in their terms interpret _Fanatick_) and
that all the reason of the trouble was, because it was not Licensed.
Well, said one of them, can he help me to some of them? Yes, said his
Friend: and by this time the Author being returned, he was acquainted by
his Friend with the request of the two strangers, and they likewise
again desiring of it, he furnished them at present with a dozen, for
which he had a greater price than usual, and then they desired to have
more to give to their friends, thinking to have found some Fanatick
Doctrine: so eager are these sort of people to buy any thing that is
unlicensed, following the Proverb, _that stolen meat is sweetest_: But I
believe they were not very well pleased when they, or their Fanatick
brethren (to whom they presented them) had perused them: but it is
possible that (though they were mistaken in the main) yet they might be
well enough pleased in the private reading, and that as in a
Looking-glass they might see some of those crimes lively represented,
whereof they had been guilty.

Thus I say this Book hath been bought up by all sorts of people, and I
my self at the first publishing the first Part, presented one of them to
an Acquaintance of mine, who (I believe) had been knavish enough, and a
Preacher of several perswasions, he read it over, and at my next sight
of him I asked him his opinion of it? Truly, said he, there are many
various Cheats and Rogueries, but if the Author had my experience and
practice, he might write a Book ten times bigger, and more full of brave
Cheats, and considerable Rogueries, things worth attempting, whereas
these are but foolish and idle, and for the most part unprofitable. I
who was partly acquainted with many passages of his life, knew he spake
true then, and have here in this second Part had a touch at him, but far
short of what I know of him, it not being convenient to tell truth at
all times. I have likewise met with several other adventurers and
transactions in the world, where I (through the frankness and easiness
of my nature) have still come off the abused party; part of which I have
here sprinkled up and down, and the rest I reserve till more time and
conveniency to publish among other things in a third Part. And this Book
though (by reason of the extraordinariness of some passages) it may seem
a Romance, yet I’le assure ye there is nothing but the truth, naked as
she ought to be, in plain colours; for like the first Draught of a
Painter, I have only laid on the dead colours without any flourishes,
varnishes, or adornments; and though that be the first, yet it is
commonly the greatest piece of Art, and seldom mended or altered, but
spoiled: and so in my writing of this, I have not varied in any thing
from my first thoughts, which have been swift and full of matter, and
therefore need not in so plain a case any embellishments, so that here
you shall hardly meet with a piece of Poetry, and that which is, is just
to the matter, not sorted or strained, but natural and free; neither
have I borrowed any Sentences out of any Authors, to embellish and add
lustre to my writing: what I have done, (and that is but little) I will
tell you of.

And now I have told you in general what you are to expect, I will
likewise give you a short account of my particular method, and so
conclude. First, the Author of the first Part having left his _Rogue_ a
married man, and an Inhabitant in the _East-Indies_, I was obliged to
lay my Scene there, and go thither to find him, where I give an account
not only of his manner of living, and how he spent his time there, but
also of the Government, Manners, and Customs, both Ecclesiastical and
Civil of the Countrey; and I have spent one whole long Chapter in
acquainting you with their Religion, which though it may seem strange
and extravagant, yet it is no more than the truth, as I can prove from
good Authors from whence I had it. I likewise cause our _Rogue_ to sum
up his fore-passed life, with some small reflections, and I bring into
his company four male, and two female Companions, as good Boys and Girls
as ever twang’d. They coming from _England_ only on a Ramble, are
thought very fit Companions, and the lives of these travellers are
related to our _Rogue_ by one of the Company. This relation is full of
variety, and though long, yet (I hope) will not be thought tedious nor
improper: for the length I must crave pardon, for I could not well avoid
it, and I was forced (though improperly enough) to make breaks to divide
it into Chapters.

I have not only taken pains in describing the Laws, Manners, and Customs
of the Natives with my Pen, but for your greater pleasure and
satisfaction, the Graver hath been at work to present you the Figure of
them, the most lively I could contrive in so narrow a compass. You have
likewise another Figure of all our Lads and Lasses together in one of
their Tavern Frolicks.

I have had so much work to do in bringing these Companions to our
_Rogue_ in the _Indies_, and relating what they are (in which I have
spent much oyl and labour) that I cannot this bout, bring him over to
_England_ as is expected; but I’le allure you (if you accept this, as I
question not) that I shall hereafter attend him through other Countries,
and with a great Train of Attendants or Companions bring him again to
his native Countrey of _Ireland_, and so to _England_, where he and his
Company may do such acts as shall raise wonder in the Readers. But let
this suffice at present.

And now I have almost done with the Preface, which though it be long,
yet I like it better to have it so, than to fill up a Sheet or two of
Paper with _Commendatory Verses_, which some Authors covet, and are very
proud of, and rather than go without, will write themselves: This I
could have done or procured, but esteeming all that can be written in
that nature to be nothing, unless the reader approves the Book, who is
now so wise as not to trust to another mans judgment, I therefore
declined that, and I hope when the Preface is read over, it will not be
thought wholly impertinent; for I have therein laid down some reasons
for this my manner of writing. But some ignorant Readers commonly skip
over the Preface, running greedily to the matter, and so they will use
me; and having read the Book will say, that I had better have spared my
self the trouble and cost, for here is nothing but what they already are
acquainted with. To you who are so knowing and well experienced, I
answer you with this Request, That you will do as much for publick good,
as I have intended by writing this (and I hope done) and in order
thereunto write and publish your Experiences, and I promise you I’le be
a Customer for one of them, and encourage others to be so; and though it
may not be so well as what I have written, (that is, so full of
profitable Experiences) yet it will be a hard case if there be not
somewhat worth the knowing: If my judgment tells me that it is better,
I’le acknowledge it, and I and the other Readers shall be the more
obliged to you for your pains; and I had rather gain experience and
knowledge thus by reading then dealing with some of you, and be
out-witted and snapt. Though it is true, that that wit is best that is
bought, yet I know a man may pay too dear for it, (as hitherto I have
done) and therefore, and to the end that other men may learn by my harms
(as the Latine Sentence is, _Felix quem faciunt aliena pericula cautum_,
He is happy that is warn’d by other mens harms) I have written this
which I am sure may be profitable, and I hope not in the least hurtful.
Wherefore Reader, I pray put on Charity for thy Spectacles, and read on.

                                                          _Yours_, F. K.


                             ENGLISH ROGUE

                        Continued in the Life of
                           _MERITON LATROON_,

                               And other


                                Part II.


                                CHAP. I.

_He discourses of the manner of Government, of the Inhabitants of the_
  East-Indies; _a small Voyage by Sea, where he is in danger by a
  Tempest, and a_ Malabar _Man of War, but escapes both; he makes some
  rambles into the Country, and returning home has some reflections on
  his fore passed life._

I was now arrived at the Meridian of my age, and enjoyed such a plenty
of every thing, that I soon forgot the many miseries I had lately
suffered, since my banishment from _England_. I governed my Family with
a most absolute command, and received a willing obedience as well from
my Wife, as all our Servants, and during the stay of our _English_
Ships, I gained very much by entertaining my Country-men with
necessaries. I kept so punctual a correspondence with the _Banian_
Merchants, that I could command any thing; and by their means found the
way of Trading, by which I considerably enriched my self; so that at the
departure of the _English_ Fleet, I having cast up an account of my
Estate, found that I had gained above 2000 Rupees, (which being the
Country money, and worth about 2 _s._ a piece, amounted to 200 _l._)
also I had a good parcel of Diamonds, besides those I had cheated the
_Banian_ of at my first arrival; several other Commodities I had by me,
which (with my Houshold-stuff which was considerable) did in all amount
to a great value. The Fleet being departed, the chief of our Trading
ceased, and now it was vacation time, and I (hating idleness, and
somewhat weary of my Wives company) being desirous of Novelty, set out
to view the Country: to which end taking money with me, and all other
necessaries, I hired an _Indian_ Coach, which is a kind of a Chariot
with two wheels, and will hold about four persons; this Coach was drawn
with two Oxen, who will travel about thirty miles a day: my charge was
not much, for about eighteen-pence a day paid my Coach-man, and kept his
Cattel. Thus did I ramble about the Country, visiting other of my
acquaintance, where I had a full enjoyment of every thing the Country
afforded: for we had not only the Country drink called _Toddee_, which
is made of the juyce of several Trees, and _Punch_ which is made of
Rack-lime, or lime-water, Sugar, Spices, and sometimes the addition of
_Amber-greese_, but we likewise drank great quantities of _Persian_
Wine, which is much like Claret, and brought from that Country in
Bottles. These were our drinks whereof we drank plentifully, and
oftentimes to excess; our meat was chiefly Rice, with Beans, and
Turkeys, Beef and Mutton, and sometimes Veal and Lamb; this was my
ordinary diet, but the _Banians_ eat no flesh, accounting it criminal,
it being contrary to their Religion to kill any thing; the chiefest
exercise we had was playing at Nine-pins, a game I was well acquainted
with in _England_, and therefore could well enough deal with the
Natives, though they were expert therein. Though I pleased my self in
these things, yet there was still wanting the only thing which had
alwayes made my life pleasant to me, and that was the company of Women,
for without their pleasing society in a full enjoyment I reckoned I had
nothing, and therefore upon every turn found them out; but I must now be
contented with the Natives, who although they are not so fair as the
women of our _European_ Countries, yet they may pass well enough, for
their complexions are commonly of a tawny hiew, but they are richly
adorned with Pearl and other Jewels; I speak of those who were
Mercenary. There is no Town but had two or three of these
_Brothel-houses_, which were allowed of; neither was it any disgrace to
be seen therein; the handsomest women are here: the Matron of the house
is furnished with several, who she purchases sometimes of their own
Parents, who sell them, not accounting it an injury to dispose them to
this purpose. These old Bawds are as cunning as those of our Country,
for they will sell a Maidenhead two or three times over, for which they
will sometimes have twenty or thirty Rupees, according to the goodness
of the Commodity, and good will of the purchaser, who shall enjoy his
bargain for two or three dayes or nights together, either at their
lodgings, or at home at their own houses; neither do their Wives dare to
contradict their Husbands therein, for they will oftentimes bring home
one of these Lasses, and lodge them in a Cot in the same room with their
Wives, and lye with them as often as they please, and when they have
done with them send them home again.

I tryed several of these _Bona Roba’s_, who pleased me very well, for
what they wanted in beauty they supplyed in respect and willingness to
comply with and please me in all my desires; and though many times they
have the Pox, by reason of their heat and activity, yet they value it
not, for they are so well acquainted and furnished with remedies, that
they soon cure themselves, and the men who accompany them: my ramble
being finished, I returned home, and though my Wife knew I had been at
several of these _Brothels_, yet I was joyfully received and welcomed by
her. We keeping a publick house, had all sorts of guests, and now being
at leisure I discoursed with several of the _Brammanes_ who are their
Priests, who informed me not only of the Civil but Ecclesiastical
Government of the Nation: for though I supposed them Heathens, yet I
found that they followed a rule in their livings to which they strictly
tied themselves: They in general gave me this account, that they are
governed by a Kingly Monarch, who is called the _Great Mogul_, he is
absolute in his Dominions, and all his subjects are his slaves; all the
Land and Houses throughout his Dominions are his own, and the
Inhabitants or occupiers are only his Tenants, and pay a valuable rent
for what they enjoy, which is annually collected by Officers to that
purpose appointed, and paid into his Exchequer; this he bestows at his
own pleasure, or spends in making War with his Enemies, who are chiefly
the _Tartars_, and sometimes the _Persians_; they have frequently Civil
Wars amongst themselves upon the death of their Prince, if he leaves
more Sons than one behind him; for he who last ruled, and was Father of
this present _Mogul_, made his way to the Empire by the death of eleven
of his Brethren, he himself being the youngest when he dyed, which is
not long since; three of his sons survived him, who all immediately
raised great Armies either to gain the Empire, or lose their lives in

The two youngest having assembled all their well-willers and friends,
with considerable Armies approached one another, a River now only
parting them.

The eldest of the two dispatched a Messenger to his Brother, to tell him
that he was very well satisfied in his taking Armes, and since he was in
such readiness, if he pleased he would joyn forces with him, and assault
their elder Brother, who being vanquisht they would divide the
Government. The youngest Brother willingly assenting to these
propositions, came over to him, but no sooner was he in his power, but
he caused both his eyes to be put out, (thereby disenabling him from the
Government) and soon gaining the Captains of his Brothers Army to his
party, he joyned Forces, and causing his blind Brother to be carried
with him, advanced to meet and oppose his elder Brother; in short time
they met, and fought each other with various success, but in fine he
conquered his Brother, and depriving him of life, as the other of sight,
he now remains sole Monarch of this large Empire.

The old _Mogul_ died infinitely rich, for he left eight _Tancks_ of
coyned Money, each _Tanck_ esteemed to hold ten millions of Rupees; and
indeed it is no great marvel, for he hath some of his Subjects,
especially the _Banian_ Merchants, that are very rich, all whose
treasure he will command at his own will; there is one _Banian_ whose
name is _Vergore_, who was the chiefest Merchant of his Tribe, and hath
most of the Stocks of his fellows in his hand; to him the _Great Mogul_
sent for money, to which message he sent this answer, That he would
presently furnish his Highness with a hundred Carts loaden with ready
money. The _Mogul_ hearing this, ordered him to keep it till he sent
again, or had further occasion. The _English_ have great priviledges,
for they pay less Duties and Customes than the Natives, for the _Banian_
Merchants will sometimes hire an _English_ man to go to Sea with them in
their Juncks, which are great Barks, not to do any service in the
voyage, but only to own the Goods, that they may save several Taxes and
Duties that else must be paid, as Anchorage and Moorage. I one time was
asked by a _Banian_ of my acquaintance, whether I would go to Sea with
him, and he would give me a considerable recompence: he told me that I
should only wear my hat, eat my victuals, and when we came to our Port
own the Goods; being desirous of seeing fashions I consented, and our
Junck being loaden, we set sail and departed: but never was I
accompanied with such Sailers, for the Junck (which is much like a close
Lighter) was deeply loaded with Callicoes, it carried above 1000 Tun:
the wind being fair, all the tackling was nailed down and fastned, so
that when we had been four dayes at Sea, the wind contrary to custome
changed: but though it began to be tempestuous, yet all our men being
then at dinner, there was none would leave their eating to handle the
sails, or alter the tackling; dinner being ended, I perswaded them with
much adoe to go to work, but it was some hours ere they had loosned
their tackling, so as to lower their sails, and by that time we were
driven out of knowledge; the winds there are usually so constant, that
they never make provision to handle their sails, and alter them, but
commonly as they fix them at their setting out, so they continue till
they come to their Port, where instead of an Anchor they carry a very
great stone, fastned by an iron ring to their Cable, which they let down
while they stay, but take up when they go away; and then they alter
their sails, sitting them to the wind to bring them back; they continue
in that manner to the end of the Voyage.

But now it falling out otherwise, great was their trouble, not knowing
how to behave themselves: and although there was forty men on board, and
they all well enough acquainted with Navigation in those parts, yet I
that was but of one years standing was their best instructor, or else we
had been lost and perished; most of our sails being now taken down, and
the wind ceasing, we by the next day came into our knowledge, but met
with another misfortune, which was like to prove worse than the former,
for we discovered a Junck, though nothing near so big as ours, yet
better man’d, and was indeed a _Malabar_ Man of War, and our professed
Enemy, who are used to infest those Seas with their Pyracies; our Seamen
being sensible of the desperateness of our condition, were greatly
dismayed, but I (who was formerly used to be dead-hearted enough) did
now become valorous, and encouraged them by words and actions, for
considering the badness of my own condition, being likely not only to
lose what Estate I had lately gathered, but at least wise my liberty,
and it may be my life, (for many of these _Malabars_ do kill and feed on
their Prisoners) these considerations I say possessed me with so much
courage, that I was resolved to try my utmost power to defend my self
from my Enemies; we were by chance accompanied by ten _Moors_ called
_Rashpoots_, who being alwayes brought up in Wars, never go unarmed;
these persons being more courageous than the rest, by my example, put
themselves into a posture of defence, and the other Seamen had Swords
and other weapons put into their hands, to keep the Enemy from boarding
us: we had eight great Guns in our Junck, which were carried more for
ornament than use, for they knew not how to discharge them against an
Enemy to advantage, (they being as well as their tackling and sails,
fixed to one place) only served to be shot off in triumph, and make a
noise, but would not be well levelled to carry a Bullet to do execution.
I seeing this inconvenience, took such order therein that the Guns were
placed so as to dammage our Enemy, who now approaching us, came close up
towards us, but he found a hotter entertainment than he expected, for we
killed several of his men with our first broad-side; the only weapons
our Enemies had were great stones, which they threw at us in abundance;
but we having again charged our great Guns, and all the small ones we
had aboard, gave them such a peal as was the funeral knel to many of
them; by this time they were discouraged, and our men seeing the good
success we had came all in sight and every one taking a great stone
which had been thrown to us by the Enemy, gave them such an onset with
the stones, as now made them think of giving over their enterprize,
which we compelled them to do, so soon as we had given them another
broad side, and once more discharged all our small guns: this gave them
so general a blow that they Vered about and left us to prosecute our
Voyage. Our Enemies being gone, I called all our men together to see
what damage we had sustained, and upon enquiry found that we had not
lost a man: but about half a dozen broken heads and faces was all the
harm we had received.

I was generally applauded for my courage, and the chief owner of the
Goods not only rendred me infinite thanks, but promised me a great
reward, which was justly paid me at the end of our voyage: I told them
that I much wondred at the manner of our Enemies fight, but I received
this answer, that they seldome used any other weapons than stones, which
they carried in great plenty, trusting to them and their great numbers:
for the Bark that set upon us had above a hundred men in her, and would
have certainly taken us, had I not made so good a fight with our Guns,
which was a thing unusual for them to meet with, not suspecting that we
could make any use of them, otherwise then to shoot upright as was
usual, but they found the contrary to their cost: for I suppose we had
the good fortune to kill several of them, which so disheartned them,
that they left us as I told you; and thus we meeting with no more
obstruction, in two moneths time finished our voyage, and returned home,
where I received 500 Rupees as a recompence for my good service.

I was joyfully received at home by my Wife, and acquired a very good
esteem of all by this my valourous exploit, and had many advantageous
offers to go again on the same account; but I valuing my pleasure more
than profit, which was hazardous, declined the propositions, and now
rested my self at home, only making some excursions to visit the best of
my friends, who failed not to welcome me, being the handsomest Women, to
whom I made my self welcome. Sometimes I travelled to the adjacent
Towns, where I visited the pleasant Gardens, and other times I went
further to the Cities, which being well built with Brick, had pleasant
Platforms or Turrets on the top; many of the Cities were walled, and
fortifyed with Castles for their defence: I seldome went without a
couple of attendants, which are called _Puisns_, who were my daily
servants; these were a sort of _Banians_ who served me for four
shillings a moneth a piece, and out of that found themselves diet,
unless they travelled far from home, and then I allowed each of them but
three half pence a piece _per_ day to buy them victuals and drink, which
was only _Cutkeree_ _Butter_, _Toddee_, with which they were very well
satisfied; neither indeed doth the _Consul_ give much more to his
Servitors, for his chief _Puisn_ hath but twelve shillings _per_ moneth,
and out of that he keeps a horse and a servant to attend him. They are
very diligent and faithful in what they are intrusted with, but so soon
as they perceive a New Moon, they tell their Master of it, that they may
pay them their wages.

Having now satisfied my curiosity in these travels, and being returned
home, I began to consider with my self my fore-passed life: then it was
I did run over these several accidents that had formerly befallen me.

As first, how I committed Rogueries when but a Boy, and ran away from my
Mother, (of whom I had never since so much as heard or enquired) I had
some reflections thereupon, and what my Mother might Judge was become of
me: Then did I call to mind the rogueries I committed, when among the
Gypsies and Beggars, and how with them I first tryed and tasted the
pleasure of a Female companion, from that my apprentiship, and the
several adventures I had, and the pleasant nights lodgings, I enjoyed
not only with the Maid, but the Mistress: how after the Maid, whom I had
gotten with Child, was delivered, I dispatcht her and child to
_Virginia_, and soon after by mine and my Mistresses extravagancies sent
my Master first to Prison, and so out of the world, my Mistress her self
not long surviving him: being then a freeman, I married, but was justly
enough fitted for my disloyalty by my wives incontinency, which with my
own prodigality soon consumed me, enforced me to leave _England_ for
_Ireland_, which being my first great remove, I seriously reflected on
not knowing where I should end my dayes, I being now far distant from
the place of my Nativity; but I bethinking my self that my only
livelyhood depended there in my viril strength, not that I was exposed
to carry burthens, or labour in the day time, but in the night, in
Venerial combats, where I received equal pleasure: and indeed I having
run through the whole course of my life, found, that by the favourable
and good opinion of women (which was not undeserved) I had not only
preserved my self, but many times raised my self a sufficient fortune:
as I had lately done by marrying with my _Moorish_ Wife, in which
present condition I concluded my self much better than when I was in
_Ireland_ tyed to my old woman, who only paid me and gave me money
according to the service I did her, and was then again old and peevish,
and above all things very jealous; whereas now I was my own pay-master,
and though my bed-fellow was not fair, yet she was young and pleasant,
and so far from jealousie, that she her self sometimes would procure me
a young girl, the fairest in the country to lye with me, and she also
lying by me, and taking much pleasure therein.

Then did I proceed in the thoughts of my former life, and considered the
many dangers I underwent, all the time I followed my padding employment,
and though I then usually wore money enough in my Pocket, and sometimes
met with some female adventures, as the Farmers Daughter, the Poetick
Widdow, and my Female Robbers, and others in whose converse I took much
pleasure, yet I was in all these pleasures still accompanied with fear
of being snapt, as indeed I was at last and likely to be trus't up: but
that my penitence wrought so upon my friends as to procure my sentence
of death, to be altered into that of banishment: which had through many
miseries and cross adventures brought me hither, where I received the
full enjoyment of all things: this consideration took me up much time,
and possessed me with some virtuous thoughts, believing that I had not
been preserved and reserved from so many hazards but for some good end;
and now I had a fair opportunity of declining Vice, and living
vertuously, I not being likely to be exposed to any such Roguish shifts
or courses as formerly, these thoughts of virtue made way for those of
Religion, and now it was that I seriously considered of that Word in
general, and being (though little practised in) yet well enough
acquainted with the Christian Religion, I wondered at the absurdity of
the Religion of other Nations, especially of the Country wherein I now
lived; and having been curious in the enquiry of the grounds thereof, I
had received a good account, though little satisfaction; but since it is
a Novelty, and may well enough suit with the following discourse, which
will consist of several and variety of Knaveries and Cheatings, whereof
I suppose this of this Countries Religion may very well bear a part: I
shall give you a short account thereof in this following chapter.


                               CHAP. II.

_The Original Religion and Worship of the_ Banians _and_ Persees, _with
  all their Castes and Tribes._

This large part of the World which is governed by the _Great Mogul_, is
inhabited by these three sort of People, _Banians_, _Moor-men_ or
_Rashpoots_, and _Persees_; the several Religions or Worships of the
first and last, _viz._ the _Banians_ and _Persees_, I shall here give
you an account of; but for the _Moors_ or _Rashpoots_, they have little
esteem for any Religion in particular, and being for the most part
Souldiers, are of the _Great Moguls_ Religion, which is partly
_Mahometan_, I shall therefore begin with the _Banians_, who believe in
one God, and that he created the World out of nothing, and that after
this manner; first he having the four Elements of Air, Earth, Fire, and
Water for a ground-work, by some great Cane or such like instrument,
blew upon the waters, which arose into a bubble of a round form like an
Egg, which spreading itself made the Firmament so clear and transparent,
which now compasseth the World about; after this there remaining true
liquid substance in the Earth, God made of both these together a thing
round like a Ball, which is called the lower World; the more solid part
became Earth, the liquid Sea, both which making one Globe, he by a great
noise or huming sound placed them in the midst of the Firmament, there
he created the Sun and Moon to distinguish times and seasons, and the
four Elements which were before mixed, were now separated and assigned
to their several places, and discharged their several offices; the Air
filled up the empty parts, the Fire nourished with heat, the Earth and
Sea brought forth their living creatures, and then was the World
created; and as it had its beginning from four Elements, so it was
measured by four points, _East_, _West_, _North_ and _South_, and was to
be continued for four Ages, to be peopled by four _Casts_ or sorts of
men, who were to be married by four sorts of women appointed for them.
The World being made, Man was likewise made out of the Earth, God
putting him into life, and he worshipping his Creator; Woman was
likewise made and given to him as a companion; the first mans name was
_Pourous_, and the womans name was _Parcoutee_, and they lived together
as man and wife, feeding on the fruits of the earth, not destroying any
living Creature.

These two had four sons called _Brammon_, _Cuttery_, _Shuddery_, and
_Wyse_, who were of different and distinct nature from each other, for
_Brammon_ was of an earthly constitution, and therefore Melancholly;
_Cuttery_ fiery, and therefore Martial; _Shuddery_ flegmatick, and
therefore Peaceable; _Wyse_ airey, and therefore full of contrivances
and inventions. _Brammon_ being melancholly and ingenious, God gave him
knowledge, and appointed him to impart his Laws, and therefore gave him
a Book containing the form of Divine Worship and Religion; _Cuttery_
being Martial, had power to govern Kingdoms, and therefore had a Sword
given him; _Shuddery_ being mild and conversable, it was thought fit
that he should be a Merchant and Traffick, and therefore had a pair of
Ballances and a bag of Weights hung at his girdle; and _Wyse_ being
airey, was appointed for a Mechanick or Handicrafts man, and therefore
had a bag of several sorts of tools.

These were the first men, and these their qualities, (according to the
_Banian_ tradition) that peopled the Earth; _Pourous_ and _Parcoutee_
had no daughters, because the sons should go elsewhere to find them
wives, which were made for them, and placed at the four winds; the four
sons being grown up to mans age, were commanded to travel; And,

First, _Brammon_ with his Book in his hand took his journey towards the
rising of the Sun in the East; for the place where they were born, and
their Parents created, was in the Middle or Navel of the world, the Sun
at Noon-day casting no shadow. _Brammon_ taking his journey, as is said,
towards the East, arrived at a goodly Mountain, before which was a
Valley, through which there passed a Brook; in the descent of which
there appeared a Woman a drinking. This Woman was of black hair, yellow
Complexion, of an indifferent size, and a modest aspect, and indeed in
every thing made, as if made for her beholder; who being naked, and
seeing her to be so, was more bashful than the Woman, who first brake
silence, by questioning the cause of his coming thither.

_Brammon_ hearing her spake, and that in his own Language, thus reply’d,
_That the great God, who made all things had sent him thither_: The
Woman seeing his Book, asked the use of it; whereupon he opening it,
shewed her the Contents thereof; and after some other discourse the
consented to be married to him, according to the form prescribed in that
book; which being done, they lay together, and had many children, who
peopled the East part of the world: this Womans name was _Savatree_.

_Cuttery_ the 2d. Brother, was sent upon the same account to the West
part of the world, and taking his sword in his hand, he advanced on his
journey; but not meeting with any adventure or occasion to make use
thereof, he was much troubled; desiring above all things, that he might
meet with some people whereon he might exercise his courage: thus
impatiently did he proceed on his journey, till he arrived near a high
Mountain, where he might behold a Personage who was walking with a
Martial pace, and coming nearer, found to be a Woman armed with a weapon
call’d a Chuckery: They were no sooner met, but they encountred, and set
upon one another; but though he expected a sudden conquest, yet was he
deceived therein, for his adversary held him in play all that day, till
night parted them. The next day also they wholly spent in fight; he
gained no advantage over his female enemy, only at the cloze of the day,
he had the fortune to cut her weapon in two; but the night coming on,
she escaped from him, without any further damage.

The next day she was provided with Bow and Arrows, and then had a great
advantage over him, because she could wound him at a distance, and he
could not hurt her without a close fight; he being sensible of this
odds, clozed with her, and by main strength threw her down, holding her
by the hair of the head; when having a perfect view of her beauties,
instead of an enemy, he became a lover of this beautiful object; and
that he might gain her affections, he threw by his weapons, and applyed
himself to her in fair speeches, to which she was attentive; and he at
length became so prevalent, that they at present plighted troths to one
another, and of enemies, not only at that instant became friends; but in
short time after, living together, and Nature dictating to them what
must be done for the procreation of their like, they tasted the fruit of
Loves garden, and had many children, who peopled the West part of the
World; this Womans name was _Toddicastree_.

_Chuddery_ the 3d. Son, who was the Merchant-man, was sent to the North
with his ballance and weights, and he after much travel happened on a
place where he found Pearls, and a Rock or Mine of Diamonds; and
believing them (by reason of their great luster in the dark) of some
extraordinary value, took some of them with him, and special notice of
the place, that he might find it again; and so proceeding on his
journey, came to the place where was the Woman that was to be his Wife,
who was wandring by the side of a Wood; she, seeing him, became fearful;
but he coming to her, and giving her good words, won upon her to stay
and receive him into her company; and after an account of his journey,
which she concluded was purposely designed to her, because they
understood one anothers speech, he bestowed some of his Pearls and
Diamonds upon her; in time they proving the comforts of the conjoyned
state, had several children, who peopled the North part of the World,
and became Merchant-men: he afterwards travelling with them, shewed them
the rock of Diamonds; this Womans name was _Visagundah_.

_Wyse_, the 4th. and youngest of the Brethren, went also to the South
parts of the World, and carried his tools with him, whereby he was able
to build a house, or perform any other piece of work needful for the use
of man; he was forced to pass over seven Seas, at each place making a
Vessel, and leaving it behind him: the last Sea was called
_Pashurbatee_, and brought him to a Land called _Derpe_, where he built
him a house to live in, which he did with much content, till the Woman
appointed for him came thither to behold the same: She was very amiable
and white, and her hair was powdred with _Saunders_ and other _Odours_:
She first spake to him, demanding _how he came thither_; He answered
her, _that the Almighty had sent him, and he had taken great pains by
coming over seven Seas to wait on her_: She was displeased with his
discourse and house, telling him _that she needed him not_; and
notwithstanding all his perswasions, left him: he afterwards met her
walking in the Woods; but could not prevail with her to continue with
him; but left him much troubled. After this, he being in a profound
melancholy, walking abroad, came to a parcel of trees, under which he
placed himself, and there prayed to his Creator, _that he might not lose
his labour, in coming so far to find a Woman that would not converse
with him_: To this prayer he had answer, _that his request should be
granted, on condition, that for the future he would erect Images, and
adore, and worship them under green trees_: To this he consented, and at
the next meeting he gained the good will of this Woman who was named
_Jejunnogundah_, so that she became his wife, by whom he had several
children that peopled the South.

These Four Brethren being thus dispersed at the 4 several parts of the
earth, and having peopled the same, were all desirous of returning to
their own Country from whence they came, to see their Father and Mother,
and recount their several adventures to them, and to that end, leaving
their children behind, they and their wives travelled so long, till they
came to the place; where they were first joyfully received of their
Parents; and then of each other; there they likewise had several other
children, begetting several generations, that all the world might be
instructed in their several qualities, by _Brammon_ in matters of
Religion, by _Cuttery_ in Rule and Governments, by _Shuddery_ in
Traffick and Merchandize, and by _Wyse_ in matters of Handicrafts; of
which four Casts the world consisteth, every one of them living in his
several quality, keeping his tribe free from confusion or interfeering;
and thus the world was peopled: but in time, multitude begat difference,
and disorder, and mischief, and every person disagreed with the other,
every one producing new and various differences, as well in matters of
Religion and Worship, as in all other affairs, when the Almighty for the
wickedness of mankind sent a flood which came and destroyed all the
Creatures of the earth; and this according to the tradition of the
_Banians_, was the first Age of the world.

This world of Creatures being destroyed, others were made in this
manner: The Almighty first made out of the earth these three Creatures,
_Breman_, _Vistney_ and _Ruddery_, and gave great power to them; to
_Breman_ he gave the power of making Creatures, because say the
_Banians_, as great persons do not their work but by Deputies, so
neither was it fit that God should be servile to his Creatures, but give
to them their being by his Instruments. To the second, which was
_Vistney_, he gave charge to preserve the Creatures: But to the third,
which was _Ruddery_, he gave power to destroy them, because he knew they
would be wicked, and deserve Judgments. _Breman_ was to be taken up to
Heaven in conclusion of the second age. _Vistney_ was to live as long
again as _Breman_, and _Ruddery_ was to continue three times as long,
and then he should destroy all the world, which should be the great day
of Judgement.

_Breman_ according to the power given him, produced man and Woman out of
his own bowels, who being instructed by him gave worship to God, and
reverence to him: the man was by him named _Mamaw_, and the Woman
_Ceterrupa_; they were sent to the _East_, and there they had three sons
and three daughters, who were sent severally to the _West_, _North_ and
_South_, which were peopled by them: thus man being made by _Breman_,
_Vistney_ provided things necessary for them, and _Ruddery_ dispersed
afflictions, sicknesses and death, as men did deserve them.

It was now necessary say the _Banians_, that the Law should be given,
according to which they should live; and therefore _Breman_ being called
up into a Mountain, the Almighty gave him out of a cloud a book, which
the _Banians_ call the _Shaster_, wherein was written their Lawes; this
book consisted of three Tracts.

The first, whereof contained their Moral Law, and an Explication or
Appropriation of the precepts to every several Tribe and Cast.

The second, was their Ceremonial Law.

The third, distinguished them into Casts or Tribes, with peculiar
observations for each Cast and Tribe.

The first Tract of the Moral Law contained eight commandements.

1. That they should kill no living Creature, because like man it had a

2. That they should make a Covenant with their five senses: the Eyes not
to see evil things, the Ears not to hear evil things, the Tongue not to
speak evil, the Pallat not to taste, as wine or flesh, the hands not to
touch any thing defiled.

3. That they should duly observe the times of devotion in washing,
worship, _&c._

4. That they should not tell false tales to deceive.

5. That they should be charitable to the poor.

6. That they should not oppress their poor brethren.

7. That they should celebrate certain Festivals, not pampering the body,
but fasting and watching, to be fitter for devotion.

8. That they should not steal, though never so little.

These eight are bestowed among the four Tribes or Casts, to each two
Commandements: to the _Brammanes_, which are the Priests, the first and
second, as being strictest in Religion. To _Shuddery_ they appropriate
the third and fourth, as most proper to them. To _Cuttery_ the fifth,
and sixth, and to _Wyse_, the seventh and eighth: they are all enjoyned
to keep all the Commandements, but more particularly those that are
appropriated to their several Casts.

The second Tract of the Book delivered to _Breman_, comprized certain
ceremonial injunctions, which are these.

First, washing their bodies in rivers, in memory of the deluge, in which
they use this ceremony: first, they besmear their bodies in the mud of
the River, as an emblem of mans filthyness; and then coming into the
water and turning their faces towards the Sun, the _Bramman_ prayes,
that as the body which is foul as the mud of the River which is cleansed
by water, so that his sin may be in like manner cleansed; and then the
party plunging himself three times in the River, and shaking in his hand
some grains of Rice as an offering on the water: he receiveth absolution
for his sins past, and is dismissed.

2. The ceremony of anointing the fore head with red painting, as a
peculiar mark which they often renew.

3. They are enjoyned to tender certain prayers and offerings under green
trees, the original of which custom they derive from _Wyse_, to whom
they say God appeared in a Vision under a tree; the tree particularly
appropriated for this worship, is called _Ficu Indica_, as, _vide_ Sr.
W. _Rawleigh_, for which tree they have a very great esteem.

4. They are enjoyned prayers in their Temples, where they offer to
Images with ringing and loud tinckling of bells and such like
impertinent services.

5. They are enjoyned Pilgrimage to rivers remote, as _Ganges_, where
they throw in, as offerings, Jewels and Treasure of great value.

6. They use Invocation of Saints, and for all their affairs they have
several Saints they invoke for assistance.

7. Their law binds them to give worship to God, upon sight of any of his
Creatures first seen after Sun rise, especially to the Sun and Moon,
which they call the two eyes of God, as also to some Beasts.

8. In baptizing children, there is difference in the Casts, for the
_Brammanes_ are extraordinary: the rest of the children are only washt
in water, with a short prayer, that God would write good things in the
front of the child, all present saying _Amen_. They name the child,
putting a red oyntment on the midst of his forehead, and the ceremony is
done. But the children of the Cast of the _Brammanes_ are not only
washed with water, but anoynted with oyl with these words: _Oh Lord, we
present unto thee this child, born of a holy Tribe, anointed with oyl,
and cleansed with water_; unto which they add other ceremonies, then
they enquire the exact time of the childs birth, and calculate his
Nativity, which they keep by them and give them at the day of their

9. As for their marriages, their time is different from other Nations,
for they marry at 7 years of age, they are usually contracted by their
Parents; which being agreed on, they send presents, and use many
triumphant perambulations about the town for two dayes; and then at the
going down of the Sun they use this ceremony. A fire is made and
interposed between the young couple, to intimate the ardency of their
affections; then there is a silken string that encloses both their
bodies, to witness the insolveable bond of wedlock; after this bond,
there is a cloth interposed betwixt them, a custom taken from the
meeting of _Brammon_ and _Savatre_, who covered themselves till the
words of matrimony were uttered, so the _Brammanes_ pronouncing certain
words, enjoyning the man to provide for the Woman, and her to loyalty,
and pronouncing the blessing of a fruitful issue, the speech is
concluded; the cloth interposed is taken away; the bond which ingirted
them, unloosed; full freedom is given them to communicate with one
another; they give no dowry, only the Jewels worn on the Bridal day;
none come to the feast, but those of the same Tribe or Cast: no Woman is
admitted to second marriage, except the Tribe of _Wyse_, which are the
handicrafts; men in all Tribes may marry twice except the _Bramanes_,
every Tribe marries in their own Casts, and the Tribe of the _Wyse_ not
only marry in their own Tribe, but in their own trade: as a Barber or
Smiths son, must marry a Barber or Smiths daughter of the same Tribe.

10. Which is the last, is the ceremony of their burials; when any is
sick to death, they enjoyn him to utter _Narrane_, which is one of the
names of God, importing mercy to sinners: they pour fair water into his
hand, praying to _Kistnetuppon_, the God of the water, to present him
pure to God; he being dead, his body is washed, and after buried in this
manner. They carry the body to a rivers side and being set down, the
_Brammane_ uttereth these words. _Oh earth! we commend unto thee this
our brother, whilst he lived thou hadst an interest in him, of the earth
he was made, by the blessing of the earth he was fed, and therefore now
he is dead, we surrender him to thee_: after this putting combustible
matter to the body, lighted by the help of sweet oyl, the _Brammane_
saith, _Oh fire, whilst he lived thou hadst a claim in him, by whose
natural heat he subsisted, we return therefore his body to thee that
thou shouldst purge it_. Then the son of the deceased sets two pots, one
with water, and the other with milk on the ground; the pot with milk on
the top of the other, and with a stone breaks the pot with water,
whereby the water and milk are both spoiled; upon which account the son
thus moralizeth, That as the stone makes the vessels yield, so did
sickness ruin his Fathers body, which is then burnt to ashes, which are
thrown into the air, the _Brammane_ uttering these words, _Oh air,
whilst he lived by thee he breathed, and now having breathed his last,
we yield him to thee_. The ashes falling on the water, the _Brammane_
saith, _Oh water, whilst he lived, thy moysture did sustain him, and now
his body is dispersed, take thy part in him_. This being done, the
_Brammane_ reads (to the Son or nearest of kin to the deceased) the Law
of mourners; _That for ten days he must eat no Beetle, nor oyl his head,
nor put on clean clothes; but once a month make a Feast, and visit the
River whose water drank up his Fathers ashes_. Besides this, there was a
Custom which is brought into a Law, for the Wives of the deceased to
accompany their Husbands in death, by burning themselves with his body;
and this is still used among persons of greatest worth, the Women
voluntarily exposing their bodies to the flames. And this is the sum of
the second Tract of the Book delivered to _Breman_.

The third Tract consisteth of their being distinguished into Casts and
Tribes, with peculiar observations for each. The _Brammanes_ being
first, have their name either of _Brammon_, who was the first of that
Tribe; or else from _Breman_, who was the first of the second Age, to
whom the Law was delivered, of which there are two sorts, the common,
and the more special; the common _Brammane_ hath eighty two Casts or
Tribes; which are distinguished by the names of the places of their
first habitations. These discharge the Ministerial function, in praying
and reading their Law to the People, in which they use a kind of minical
fantastical gesture, and a singing tone. They are first received into
that Order at seven years of age, using the ceremony of washing and
shaving their heads, only leaving one lock; they are bound to a
Pythagorean silence, and prohibited haulking, spitting, or coughing,
wearing about their loyns a girdle of an Antilop’s skin, and another
thong of the same about their neck, descending under the left arm: At
fourteen years of age they are admitted to be _Brammanes_, exchanging
those leather thongs for four sealing threads that come over the right
shoulder, and under the right arm, which they sleep withal, in honour of
God and the three persons; they are enjoyned to keep all things in the
_Brammanes_ Law.

The more special sort of _Brammanes_ are of the Cast of the _Shudderys_
or _Merchant-man_, who for devotion take this condition; He wears a
wollen garment of white, reaching down to the middle of the thigh, the
rest is naked: his head is alwayes uncovered; they do not shave, but
pluck off all the hair from their heads and beards, leaving only one

There are several Casts of these, that live more strictly than the rest;
for these never Marry, are very moderate in their Diet, and drink
nothing but water boyled, that so the vapour, which they suppose to be
life, may go out; they sweep away and disperse their dung, lest it
should generate worms that may have life, and be destroyed, they keep an
Hospital of lame and maimed flying fowl, which they redeem with a price;
they have all things common, but place no faith in outward washings, but
rather imbrace a careless and sordid nastiness.

The second Tribe or Cast was _Cutteryes_, who had their name from
_Cuttery_, the second son of _Ponrous_, who having Dominion and Rule
committed to him; therefore all Souldiers and Kings are said to be of
his Tribe.

That particular of _Bremans_ Book that concerned this Cast, contained
certain precepts of Government and Policy, which being of common import,
I chose to omit, and shall only tell you, that in their flourishing
estate they were the ancient Kings of _India_, especially of that part
that is called _Guzzarat_, and were called by the name of _Racabs_,
which signifies a King; they are said to have thirty six Tribes, and
none were admitted to rule or govern but out of these Tribes. But in
time these _Racabs_ were most of them put from the Government, and
destroyed by the _Mahometans_, who oppressed them; some of them still
remain, and are called _Rashpootes_, which I have before named; some are
as yet unconquered, and sometimes fight with and against the great

The third Son of _Ponrous_ being called _Shuddery_, and Merchandizing
being appointed him, all Merchants therefore are comprized under this
Name. The particular of _Bremans_ Book that concerned this Cast, was a
Seminary of Religious advertizement, enjoyning them to truth in their
words and dealings. These are they that are most properly called
_Banians_, which name signifies a _harmless People_, that will not
endure to see a fly, or worm, or any living thing to be injured, and
being themselves strucken, bear it patiently without resistance; they
are equal in number of their Casts to the _Brammanes_, and being like to
them, do more strictly follow their injunctions. Their form and contract
in buying and selling is something notable; for the Broaker that beateth
the price with him that selleth, looseth his _Pamerin_ that his folded
about his wast, and spreading it upon his knee, with hands folded
underneath, by their fingers ends the price of pounds, shillings or
pence, is fixed, as the Chapman is intended to give: The seller in like
manner intimateth how much he purposeth to have; which silent
composition their Law enjoyneth.

Lastly, as the Son of _Ponrous_ was called _Wyse_, and was Master of
Merchants or Handicrafts, so all Handicrafts are of that Tribe. The
directions that were in _Breman’s_ Book for these, were touching their
behaviours in their Callings: The name _Wyse_ signifies one that one is
_servile_ or _instrumentary_; these People are now commonly called
_Gentiles_, which are of two sorts; first, the purer _Gentile_, such as
diet themselves as the _Banians_, not eating flesh, fish or wine; and
the impure eat of all sorts, and are commonly Husbandmen, and usually
called _Coulees_. Those of the purer sort have thirty six Casts,
according to the number of the Trades practised among them; in which,
they make as few instruments serve for the effecting of divers works, as
may be; and whatever they do, is contrary to the Christian form of
working, for the most part. This is the substance of the the third Tract
of the Book delivered to _Breman_, concerning the manner of the four

This Book was by _Breman_ communicated to the _Brammanes_ to be
published to the People, who did give absolute obedience to these
injunctions; but in time, fraud, violence and all manner of wickedness
being committed, God grew angry, and acquainted _Breman_ that he would
destroy the world: who acquainted the People herewith, but to little
purpose, for soon after they fell to their wickedness, and God took
_Breman_ up into his bosome who had interceeded for man-kind; then also
_Vistney_ (whose nature and Office it was to preserve the People) did
interceed, but God would not be pacifyed, but gave charge to _Ruddery_
(whose Office it was to destroy) to cause the bowels of the earth to
send out a wind to sweep the Nations as the dust from the face of the
earth: this command was accordingly executed, and all people were
destroyed saving a few that God permitted _Vistney_ to cover with the
skirts of his preservation, reserved to propagate mankind in the third
age, and so this Age concluded.

The wickedness and ill government of the Kings and Rulers, being the
chief cause of destroying the last age: therefore all those of
_Cutteries_ Tribe were all destroyed. Now because it was necessary that
there should be some of that Cast as well as others, wherefore God
raised that Tribe again out of the Cast of the _Bramanes_: the name of
him who renewed and raised this Tribe was called _Ram_, who was a good
King and lived piously; but his successors did not so, but committed so
much wickedness that God again destroyed the world, by the opening of
the earth, which swallowed up all mankind, but a few of the four Tribes
who were left to new-people the world again, and this was the conclusion
of the third Age.

At the beginning of the fourth Age, there was one _Kistney_, a famous
Ruler, and pious King, who wonderfully promoted Religion. _Vistney_ was
now taken up into Heaven, there being no further need of his
preservation; for when this Age is concluded, there shall be a full end
of all things. The _Brammanes_ suppose this Age shall be longer then any
of the rest, in the end whereof _Ruddery_ shall be taken up into Heaven:
these four ages they call by these four names, _Curtain_, _Duauper_,
_Tetrajoo_ and _Kotee_; they hold the manner of these last judgements
shall be by fire, when all shall be destroyed; and so the four Ages of
the world shall be destroyed by the four Elements. And then shall
_Ruddery_ carry up the souls of all people to Heaven with him, to rest
in Gods bosome, but the bodyes shall all perish: so that they believe
not the resurrection; for they say Heaven being a place that is pure,
they hold it cannot be capable of such gross substances.

This is the sum of the _Banians_ Religion, wherein you find much of
fancy and conceit as to make it be so antient, and the number four to be
used so often, as you have heard the meaning of the three creatures, I
suppose alludes to the Trinity; but instead of a confirmation and proof
of a Trinity, they would make a Quaternity thereof, in the name; I
suppose, they (as well as other Nations who differ from us in Religion)
had read over our Bible, and supposing that but fictions, were resolved
to make a Law of their own, to be somewhat like that of ours; which how
they have done you have already heard: I shall now likewise give you a
brief account of the Religion used by the _Persees_, and so put an end
to this Chapter.

These _Persees_ are a People descended from the antient _Persians_, who
lived in much splendor, but warrs coming among them, they were
dissipated, and the _Mahometans_ who invaded them, compelled several to
leave their antient Religion for that of the _Mahometan_: which they
refusing, exposed themselves to a voluntary banishment, and therefore
carried what of their substance they could with them: they sought for a
new place of habitation, and at length found it in this Country, where
they now inhabit, being admitted to use their own Religion, but yielding
themselves in subjection to the government of the Nation, and paying
homage and tribute, their Religion being different from the rest of the
Inhabitants, I shall thus describe to you.

They affirm that before any thing was, there was a God, who made the
Heavens, and the Earth, and all things therein conteined: at six times
or labours, and between each labour, he rested five dayes, first, He
made the Heavens with their Orbs, adorned with great lights and lesser,
as the Sun, Moon and Stars; also the Angels whom he placed in their
several orders, according to their dignities, which place he ordained to
be for the habitations of such as should live holy in this life; and
this being done, he rested five dayes. Then he made Hell in the lower
parts of the world, from which he banished all light and comfort,
wherein were several Mansions that exceeded each other in dolour,
proportioned for the degrees of Offenders; about which time _Lucifer_
the chief of Angels, with other of his Order, conspiring against God, to
gain the Soveraignty and command over all; God threw him first from the
Orb of his happiness, together with his confederates and accomplices,
damn’d him to Hell, the place that was made for offenders, and turn’d
them from their glorious shapes, into shapes black, ugly and deformed,
till the end of the world, when all offenders shall receive punishment;
this was the second labour. After this God created the earth and waters,
making this world like a ball, in that admirable manner that now it is;
this was the third labour. The fourth, was to make the Trees and Herbs;
the fifth, was to make Beasts, Fowls and Fishes; and the sixth and last,
Man and Woman, whose names were _Adamah_ and _Evah_, and by these the
world was propagated in this manner; _God_ as they affirm, _did cause_
Evah _to bring forth two twins every day for a thousand years together,
and none dyed_. Lucifer _being malicious, and endeavouring to do
mischief God set certain Supervisors over his creatures_: Hamull _had
charge of the Heavens_, Acob _of the Angels_, Foder _of the Sun, Moon,
and Stars_, Soreh _of the Earth_, Josah _of the Waters_, Sumbolah _of
the Beasts of the Field_, Daloo _of the Fish of the Sea_, Rocan _of the
Tree_, Cooz, _of Man and Woman_, _and_ Settan _and_ Asud _were Guardians
of_ Lucifer _and other evil spirits, who for all that did some mischief,
the sins of men occasioned the destruction of world by a flood which
spared only a few to repeople the earth, which was done accordingly_;
and this is their opinion of the Creation and first Age. As to their
Religion, it was given them by a Law-giver, whose name was _Zertoost_,
whose birth was strange, and breeding and visions miraculous; the names
of his Father and Mother were _Espintaman_ and _Dodoo_, he was born in
_China_, and great fame going of him when young, the King of that
Country endeavoured his destruction, but could not bring it to pass, for
those who were sent to destroy him, had their sinews shrunk; he being
twelve or thirteen years of age, was taken with a great sickness, the
King hearing thereof, sent Physicians to destroy him; but _Zertoost_
sensible of their practise, refused their Physick, and fled with his
Father and Mother into _Persia_; in his way meeting with Rivers, he
congeal’d them them to ice, and so went over: he arrived at _Persia_ in
the time of the Raign of _Gustasph_; it was in that Country that at his
request to God, he being purified, was carried up into heaven, where he
heard the Almighty speaking, as in flames of fire, who revealed to him
the works of the Creation, and what was to come, and gave him Laws for
the better government and establishment of Religion: _Zertoost_ desired
to live alwayes, that he might instruct the world in Religion; but God
answered, _That if he should live never so long, yet_ Lucifer _would do
more harm then he should do good: but if he desired to live so long as
the world endured he might_. God also presented to _Zertoost_ the seven
ages or times of the _Persian_ Monarchy; the first was the Golden Age,
the days of _Guiomaras_, second, the Silver, the dayes of _Fraydhun_:
third, the Brazen, the dayes of _Kaykodoy_, the fourth, the Tin, the
dayes of _Lorasph_; fifth, Leaden, the dayes of _Bahaman_, sixth, the
Steel, the dayes of _Darab Segner;_ the seventh, the Iron Age, in the
Raign of _Yesdegerd_: He finding by this that the times would be worse
and worse, desired to live no longer than till he had discharged his
Message, and then that he might be translated to the same place of
glory; so he was reduced to his proper sense, and remained in heaven
many dayes; and then having received the Book of the Law, and the
heavenly fire, he was conveyed by an Angel to earth again. But the Angel
had no sooner left him, but _Lucifer_ met him; but notwithstanding his
perswasions, he went on in his designs of revealing the Law, which he
did first to his Father and Mother, and by their means it came to the
ears of _Gustasph_, then King of _Persia_, who sending for him, he told
the King every circumstance, so that the King began to incline to his
religion, often sending for and conversing with him. The Churchmen of
that time endeavoured to put infamy upon _Zertoost_, by perswading the
King that he was an Impostor and of unclean living, for that he had the
bones of humane bodies under his bed, the King hearing this sent to
search, and found it so to be, for these Church-men had caused them to
be conveyed thither; wherefore _Zertoost_, by order of the King, was put
in prison: but there happened an occasion, that he was not only soon
released, but also brought into the Kings favour; for the King having a
Horse, that he prized, that fell sick, and no person able to cure him,
_Zertoost_ undertook the cure, and performed it; and working some other
miracles, was now of good credit, and esteemed as a man come from God;
so that now his Book gained an esteem, and the King himself told him,
That _if he would grant him four demands_, _he would believe his_ _Law,
and be a Professor thereof_. The demands were these; First, _That he
might ascend to Heaven, and descend when he list_. Secondly, _That he
might know what God would do at present, and in time to come_. Thirdly,
_That he might never dye_. Fourthly, _That no instrument whatsoever
might have power to wound or hurt him_. _Zertoost_ did consent that all
this might be done, but not by one person; and therefore to the first,
_Gustasph_ had power to ascend to, and descend from Heaven, granted to
him. The second, which was to know what would fall out, present and
hereafter, was granted to the Kings Church-man. The third, which was to
live for ever, was granted to _Gustasph’s_ eldest Son, named
_Dischiton_, who yet lives as they say, at a place in _Persia_, called
_Demawando Lohoo_, in a high Mountain, with a guard of thirty men; to
which place all living creatures are forbidden to approach, lest they
should live for ever, as they do who abide there. The last, which was
never to be wounded with instrument or weapon, was granted to the
youngest Son of _Gustasph_, called _Esplandiar_. So _Gustasph_, and the
other three mentioned, proving the power of these several gifts, all
determined to live according to the precepts in _Zertoost_ Book, he
unfolding the contents thereof, which were these: This Book contained
three several Tracts, the first whereof was of Judicial Astrology; the
second was of Physick; the third, was called _Zertoost_, and this was of
matters of Religion: And these three Tracts were delivered to the
_Magi’s_, _Physicians_ and _Church-men_, called _Darooes_; these Tracts
were devided into Chapters, seven were in the _Wisemen_ or _Jesopps_
Book, seven in the _Physicians_, and seven in the _Darooes_ Book; the
two first is unlawful or unnecessary, I shall omit it, and proceed to
the third. The Dicision of men being Laity and Clergy; and those of the
Clergy being ordinary or extraordinary, _It pleased God,_ say the
_Persees, to divide and apportion his Law among these men_. First,
therefore, to the _Lay-man_ God gave five Commandments:

1. To have shame over them, as a remedy against sin, for that will keep
them from oppressing his inferiours, from stealing, from being drunk,
and from bearing false witness.

2. To have fear alwayes present, that they might not commit sin.

3. When they go about any thing, to think whether it be good or bad, so
to do it or let it alone.

4. That the sight of God’s creatures, in the morning put them in mind to
give God thanks for them.

5. That when they pray by day, they turn their faces towards the Sun;
and by night towards the Moon.

These are the precepts enjoyned the Lay-men, those of the common
Church-man follow, who are bound to keep, not only these appropriated to
him, but the preceding precepts.

1. To pray after the manner is described in _Zundavestaw_, for God is
best pleased with that form.

2. To keep his eyes from coveting any thing that is anothers.

3. To have a great care to speak the truth alwayes, because _Lucifer_ is
the Father of falshood.

4. To meddle with no bodies business but his own, and not meddle with
the things of the world; for the Lay-man shall provide all things
needful for him.

5. To learn the _Zundavestaw_ by heart, that he may teach the Lay-man.

6. To keep himself pure as from dead carcases, or unclean meats, lest he
be defiled.

7. To forgive all injuries, in imitation of God, who daily forgives us.

8. To teach the common people to pray, to pray with them for any good:
and when they come to the place of worship, to joyn in common prayer

9. To give Licence for Marriage, and to marry men and women, the Parents
not having power to do it without the consent of the _Herbood_.

10. To spend the greatest part of their time in the Temple, that he may
be ready on all occasions.

11. And last Injunction is, upon pain of Damnation, to believe no other
Law but that of _Zertoost_, and not to add to it, nor diminish it.

These are the precepts enjoyned the _Herbood_, the _Distoore_ being the
High Priest, who commands all the rest, is enjoyned not only these of
the _Layman_ or _Behedin_, these of the _Herbood_ or Churchmen, but 13
more of his own, which are these that follow.

1. That he must never touch any of a strange Cast or Sect, of what
Religion soever; nor any Layman of his own Religion, but he must wash

2. That he must do all his own work, in token of humility, and for
purity, _viz._ Set his own hearbs, Sow his own grain, and dress his own
meat, unless he have a Wife to do it for him, which is not usual.

3. That he take Tyth or Tenth of the _Behedin_, as Gods due, and dispose
of it as he thinks fit.

4. That he must use no Pomp or superfluity, but either give all away in
charity, or bestow it in building of Temples.

5. That his house be near the Church, where he must retire himself,
living recluse in Prayer.

6. That he must live purer than others, both in frequent washings and
dyet, and also sequester himself from his Wife in time of her

7. That he be learned, and knowing all the several Books of _Zertoost_,
as well the Astrological and Physical parts, as the other.

8. That he must never eat and drink excessively.

9. That he fear no body but God, and sin; and not fear what _Lucifer_
can do to him.

10. That God having given him power in matters of the soul; therefore
when any man sins he may tell him of it, be he never so great; and every
man is to obey him, as one that speaketh not his own cause, but Gods.

11. That he be able to discern in what manner God comes to reveal
himself, in what manner _Lucifer_.

12. That he reveal not what God manifesteth to him by Visions.

13. That he keep an ever-living fire, that never may go out; which being
kindled by that fire that _Zertoost_ brought from heaven, may endure for
all ages, till fire shall come to destroy all the world, and that he say
his prayers over it.

This is a Summary of those precepts contained in the book of their Law,
that _Zertoost_ is by them affirmed to bring from heaven; and that
religion which _Gustasph_ with his followers embraced, perswaded by the
afore-mentioned Miracles wrought by _Zertoost_ among them.

The _3d._ particular in this Tract is the rights and ceremonies observed
by this Sect, differencing them from others.

First, Though their Law allows them great liberty in meats and drinks;
yet because they will not displease the _Banians_ and _Moors_, they
abstain from Kine and Hogsflesh; they eat alone, and drink in several

2. They observe 6 Feasts in the Year, according to the 6 works of the

3. As for their Fasts, after every one of their Feasts they eat but one
Meale a day for 5 days together; and when they eat Flesh they carry part
of it to the Temple as an offering.

Their worship of Fire is taken from _Zertoosts_ bringing it from Heaven,
and it being enjoyned them: for the nature of it, that which he brought,
could not be extinguished; whether that be preferred is unknown, but
upon effect thereof they are licensed to compose a fire of several
mixtures, which is of seven sorts; when they meet about that ceremony
bestowed on this Fire, the _Destoore_ or _Herbood_, together with the
Assembly encompass it about, and standing about 11 or 12 foot distance,
the _Destoore_ or _Herbood_ uttereth this speech. _That forasmuch as
Fire was delivered to_ Zertoost _their Law-giver from God Almighty, who
pronounced it to be his vertue and excellence, that therefore they
should reverence it, and not abuse it in the ordinary use thereof, as to
put water in it, or spit in it, &c._

At the birth of a child the _Daroo_ or Churchman is sent for, who
calculates the nativity of the Child, and the Mother names it without
any ceremony; after this it is carried to the Church, and water is
poured thereon, and prayer used, _That God would cleanse it from the
uncleanness of the Father, and menstruous pollutions of the Mother_. At
7 years of age he is led by the Parents into the Church to have
Confirmation, where he is taught Prayers, and instructed in Religion,
and being washed, he is cloathed in a linnen Cassock, and other habits,
which he ordinarily wears, and so is admitted into their Sect.

They have a five-fold kind of marriage, for which they have several
terms; the most singular, is that of hiring a mans Son or Daughter to be
marched to their dead Daughter or Son, with whom they are contracted.
The ceremony observed in their Marriages is performed at Midnight, not
in the Church, but upon a bed, by two Churchmen, one in behalf of the
Man, the other in behalf of the Woman, who ask if they are willing to be
married, and they joyn hands, the Man promising to provide for the
Woman, and give her some Gold to bind her to him; and the Woman
promiseth all she hath is his; then the Churchmen scattering rice, prays
that they may be fruitful, and so they conclude, celebrating the
Marriage feast for 8 days together.

As for burial they have two places or Tombs, built of a round form, a
pretty height from the ground; within they are paved with stone, in a
shelving manner, in the midst a hollow pit to receive the consumed
bones; about the walls are the shrowded and sheeted Carkasses laid both
of Men and Women, exposed to the open Air. These 2 Tombs are distant
from one another; the one is for the good livers, the other for the
wicked. When any are sick unto death, the _Herbood_ is sent for, who
prays in the ears of the sick man: and when he is dead he is carried on
an Iron biere; all who accompany them are interdicted all speech; only
the Churchman, when the body is laid in the burial place, saith thus,
_This our Brother whilst he lived consisted of the 4 Elements, now he is
dead let each take his own, Earth to Earth, Air to Air, Water to Water,
and Fire to Fire_. This done they pray to _Sertun_ and _Asud_, that they
would keep the Devils from their deceased Brother when he repairs to
their holy fire to purge himself; for they suppose the Soul wandreth
three days on the earth, in which time _Lucifer_ molesteth it; for
security from which molestation, it flyes to their fire, seeking
preservation there; which time concluded, it receiveth justice or
reward, Hell or Heaven; and therefore they for those three days offer up
Prayers Morning Noon and Night, that God would be merciful to the Soul
departed, and forgive his sins. After three days are expired they make a
festival, and conclude their mourning.


                               CHAP. III.

_The Arrival of the English Fleet, His entertaining of six Englishmen,
  an account of whose Adventures is promised him by one of the Company._

I had now spent several Months in my Voyage by Sea, perambulations by
Land, and observations of the Country in general, and this more
particular discovery of the Laws and manners both Civil and
Ecclesiastical of the Inhabitants; a just account whereof I have given
you in the foregoing Chapters: And now we dayly expected the return of
Ships from _England_, and therefore every one provided to be furnished
with all things necessary against their arrival: The Merchants who were
resident on shore had every day several sorts of commodities brought out
of the Country in Waggons drawn by Oxen, so that their Storehouses were
filled; and I for my part provided my self with all sorts of Liquors and
Victuals that the Country afforded.

At the time usual the Fleet arrived, which consisted of 4 Ships, whereof
3 was on the account of the Company, and the 4th by their permission,
came as an Interloper: Those that came on account of the Company were
provided with all things necessary, by the order of the Consul or
President; and the other Ships Company being left to shift for
themselves, took up my house for their quarters. The chief of the
Company that lodged with me consisted of 6 persons, two whereof seemed
to be very handsome young men, of about 18 years of age; these two were
very well respected, as well by the Captain as the others his
Companions; they were all very frolick, blith, and merry, and several
times laughed at several adventures that had befall'n them during the

Though the Captain of this Ship came not on the Companies account, yet
he was very richly loaden, and was directed to such persons of this
Country as would be sure to do his business for him; neither was he a
stranger therein, for he had been here twice before, and was acquainted
with most of the _Banians_, who are so curious and diligent observers,
that if they see a man but once, if he ever return, though several years
after, yet they will know him again, especially if they have had any
trading with them; and they have so good a conceit of our Countrymen,
that they will oftentimes trust a Captain with 2 or 300_l._ worth of
Commodities from one year to another, only giving them common interest;
and as to their ordinary dealing and bargaining, they are at a word, and
there is money to be saved by dealing with them, and trusting them, for
if you distrust them, then you shall pay so much the more; if you trust
them they will provide your goods as cheap or cheaper than you can your
self do it, though never so well experienced therein; I needed not to
acquaint our Captain with any of their fashions, for he well enough
understood it himself; but I assisted him and some of the rest in
exchanging their monies; for the _Banians_ allow no more for any Silver
or Gold Coin than it weighs; for it will never goe currant there, till
it be changed or minted into the Coin of the Country.

Four of my Guests, _Viz._ The Captain, and three of the rest did employ
themselves in looking after the Ships unlading; but the other two, who
were the youngest (and therefore, as I thought, fittest to take pains)
did still stay at home in my house, or else walk out for their
recreation. This, and some other things that I observed, made me curious
in my observations of them in all their actions, suspecting they were
either personages of greater quality than ordinary, or that there was
some other mystery in the case: but they being as cunning as my self
concealed that from me which I since knew, though I tryed them with
several speeches and discourses, in which I thought my self cunning
enough; I observed this, that these two young men never lay together,
but sometimes the Captain lay with one of them, and another person of
his company with the other. The greatest part of their business being
for the present dispatched, they often times staid at home and feasted,
where they drank off great quantities of _Persian_ Wine, and other the
Country drinks, the best I could get for them. They having all drank one
time to a good height, and being very merry, the Captain asked which was
the best house for handsome Women now. I informed him of the best I
knew; but says he, _yee have no English Girls here_, no said I, seldom
any such blessings come into this Country, we are forced to content our
selves with the brown Natives: _I believe_, said the Captain, _if these
two young men_, William _and_ George (for such was the names of the two
young men I spake of) _were hansomly drest in Womens cloaths, they would
pass for hansom Women_. I then of a sudden turning my eyes towards the
parties he spake of, saw that their cheeks were dy’d of a Vermilion hew,
deeper than lately they had acquired by drinking: This caused me to
distrust something; but the rest of the Company falling into a kind of a
laughter, which I supposed was somewhat forced, they altered their
discourse, and began a fresh health to all their friends in _England_,
which I pledged them with a very good will, telling them that I had
some, whose company I had heartily wished for; _what are they_, said the
Captain; Sir, said I, they are such as I beleeve you love, that is,
hansom Women in general; and of these I had the good fortune to be
particularly and intimately acquainted with several. At the ending of
this discourse, I was called for down to attend some of my guests who
were going, which having done, I again went up, where I found the
Captain and the rest in a standing posture, ready likewise to be gone,
at which I wondred, but let them take their pleasures: So five of my six
guests left me, and he had gone too had he not been a little flustred,
and then a sleep. After they were gone several thoughts possest my mind
of what these two youngest persons should be; and it was long ere I
could hit upon the right, but having one person in the house, with whom
I was more intimate than the rest, I resolved to use my utmost interest
with him to be satisfyed: he in few hours awaked, and would have been
gone after his companions; but I so far prevailed with him, that he lay
there that night; and because I would have the better opportunity for my
discourse, I lay with him; when we were in Bed, I told him, that I could
heartily wish I could accommodate him with a female Bedfellow; he
replyed, _that would do very well_; I offered my assistance in procuring
the best of our Country, but he was cold in his reply; whereupon I told
him, that by that time he had been so long in the Country as I had, he
would be glad of one of those whom I sometimes made a shift to spend a
night with: but continued I, I had rather be at Mother _Cr----_ in
_Moorfields_: Are you acquainted there, replyed my Bedfellow, yes, said
I, and at most of those houses of hospitality in or about _London_, to
which Colledges I was a good Benefactor; why, said my Bedfellow, you
have bin right; or else I had never come hither, said I: whereupon I
acquainted him with many of my rambles about _London_, and gave him such
satisfaction in my discourse that he began to be more free with me; and
then I conjured him to deal truly with me in resolving me one question,
to which he promised me, that he would: I having gained thus much upon
him, told him that my request was to know what those two young persons
were, which were called _William_ and _George_: truly said he, you could
not have asked me any thing that I should be more unwilling to discover
than that; but since I have promised you I will tell you, and that the
truth without any disguise, provided, you swear to me, not to discover
or take any notice thereof without my consent, to this I agreed, and
having sworn to him, he told me, that they were not of those names, nor
sex, that they went for, but Women. I told him I had long since doubted
so much, and now I knew it, I would take no notice thereof, but rather
assist than hinder any design wherein there was so much pleasure, for I
had bin as very a wag as any of them, and had in my time run through as
many and various adventures as any man of my age; he hearing me say so,
asked me where I had lived, and the most part of my life: I without any
dissembling, gave him a short account of my life, which so pleased him,
that we spent most part of the night therein, and at my earnest request
he promised me that the next day, he would give me an account of his
life, and adventures, wherein said he, you will find so many different
chances of fortune, as had hardly befallen any man, and I hope said he,
I shall be able to give you a good account thereof: for since my coming
from _England_, I have had time to recollect my self, of some things
that else I had forgotten, but now I have placed the chief passages of
my life into such a Method, as I shall be very exact in; though I was
impatient to hear what he promised me, yet the night being far spent,
sleep seized on us both for some hours, but awaking in the morning, and
putting him in mind of his promise, after a mornings draught taken, and
a command that none should interrupt us, he began as follows.



                               CHAP. IV.

_The Traveller describeth the place of his birth and Parents, the death
  of his elder Brother, and how through the perswasion of his Father; he
  resolved to follow thieving._

I was born in _Goldin-Lane_, a place scituate in the Suburbs of
_London_, my Fathers name was _Isaac_, and by reason of his small
stature was commonly called little _Isaac_, being a native of the same
place, and by profession a Cobler; but such was his courage that he
was much troubled when any one called him Cobler; and would reply,
that he was a Translator, or a Transmographer of shooes. His Wife, who
I believe was my Mother, was named _Ursula_; she was in the beginning
of her dayes one of those sort of people that we call _Gipsies_, or
_Canting-Beggars_, and my Father travelling into the Country, and
wanting money to pay for a bed at night, he was forced to take up his
lodging in a barn, where he first came to be acquainted with my
Mother; whether they were ever married or no, I cannot tell, though I
suppose they only took each others words, as being willing to save the
charge of a Priests-hire. But notwithstanding the darkness of her
complexion (as those sort of people commonly have,) there is not so
bad a Jill, but there is as bad a Jack, for it was not long before she
hornifid my Father by a Banbury Tinker: which thing was so well known
amongst the neighbors, that they would commonly make horns with their
fingers, and point at him as he passed along the streets. My eldest
brother at seven years of age attained to such ingenuity that he
seldom carried home any mended shooes to a Gentlemans or Citizens
house, but he would filch either linnen, silver-spoons, or something
else of worth, which by negligent servants was not laid up safely;
which trade he drave for some space of time, being by reason of his
childish years not in the least suspected, but the pitcher goes not so
often to the well, but at length it comes broken home: In processe of
time he was taken with the theft, and for the same carried to
_Newgate_, where poor little Angel (peace be with him) he dyed in
prison, under the pennance of a discipline which was applied to him
with a little too much rigour.

Our whole family smarted in his punishment, my father sighed, my mother
sobbed, and I wanted my part of those dainty morsels, which his theft
furnished us withall, for by him my father drave a pretty trade; having
those who always furnished him with ready money for whatsoever he
brought, and indeed his loss would have utterly disconsolated my father,
but the great hopes that he had in mee, who was now come to the same age
that my brother was of when he first began to exercise his gifts in the
mystery of theivery; and that I might tread the same steps that my
brother had done before me, my father (upon a certain day, when my
mother and he and I were alone by our selves) began thus for to
endoctrinate me.

My son (said he) the profession of a thief is not of so base repute as
the world gives it out, considering what brave men have in former times
exercised themselves in this way: I have heard the Clerk of our parish
say, who I assure you was a well read man, that _Robin Hood_ that famous
thief was in his yonger dayes Earl of _Huntingdon_; and that _Alexander
the Great_ was no better then a thief in robbing other Princes of their
Kingdoms and Crowns. (_This it seems he spake in vindication of the
Sexton, who used to rob the dead corps of their sheets and shirts, and
those other necessaries which they carried along with them in their
voyage to heaven._) I tell thee he who steales not, knows not how to
live in this world, nay doth not almost each thing in the world teach us
for to steal? doe we not see youth steal upon infancy, manhood steale
upon youth, and old age upon manhood, until at last death stealeth upon
us undiscern’d and bringeth us to our long homes: How doth summer steal
on the spring, autumn on summer, and winter on autumn, untill all the
whole year is stole out of our sight. Pray what doe rich Farmers and
griping Cormorants, but steal when they exact in their prices of corn,
and grind the faces of the poor; and how can shop-keepers wipe off the
aspersion of theft from themselves when they sell a commodity for twice
the worth of it, and thereby cozen the buyer; so that we see if things
be rightly scanned, there be more thieves in the world than only
Taylors, Millers, and Weavers. And what I pray you makes Serjants,
Bayliffs, and Catchpoles so to envy us, and persecute us as they doe,
but that one trade still envies and malignes another; and would by their
good wills suffer no other theives but themselves; this it is that makes
them so double diligent in the surprizal of us, though oftentimes our
craft forestals their malice, as I shall instance to you in one
memorable example.

My self and two of my comrades had agreed to rob a rich Usurer, whose
younger brother having vitiously wasted his estate, was forced to take
this his brothers house for sanctuary, where he kept as close as a snail
in his shell, unless only at such times when as he imagined the darkness
of the night might shrewd him in obscurity, he so dreaded these shoulder
clappers, who stick closer to a man than a bur on his cloak, for being
once got into their clutches, you may as soon wring _Hercules_ club out
of his fist, as get free from their fingers; and herein have thieves a
great priviledge over debters, for the most notorious thief that ever
was, once in a months time he is carted out of prison, as others for
smaller matters are freed from durance by following the cart, where a
fellow with a catt of nine tayles doth play him such a lesson, as makes
him to skip and mount for joy of his deliverance; but with a poor debter
the case is far different, for being once in prison, the best teame of
Horses that ever drew in a waggon, cannot draw him out from thence
without a silver hook.

But to speak of that (some) which more properly belongs unto thee (for I
suppose thou wilt never attain to such credit as for to be laid up in
prison for debt,) by the help of a servant of the house, who went
sharers with us in our prey, we got a false key made to the back door,
whereby (one night) we attained an easie entrance, and loaded our
selves, to our hearts content; but in our return one of our companions
chanced to sneeze, and therewithal brake wind so violently behind, that
it waked the old usurer, who suspitious of the least noise presently
cryed out _Thieves, thieves_: _Trusty Roger_ his man was very ready to
rise at first allarm, fearing that our discovery might prove prejudicial
to his liberty, and lighting a candle, pretended to search every hole in
the house, into which it was possible for a mouse to enter; In the meane
time we lay close, yet not, unperceived by this false servant, who very
formally told his Master that all was safe and well, and that he might
take his rest without any fear; But the dread of his hearing us
prolonged our stay, so long, that day began to approach, whereupon
fearing more danger from without than from within, we prepared for our
departure, but having opened the door, we found that we had leapt out of
the frying pan into the fire, and by shunning _Scylla_ were fallen into
_Charibdis_, for four of these Catchpoles were waiting at the door for
the Usurers brother, having intelligence belike that he used to make the
dusky morning and dark evening the two shrowds that carried him safely
out and into his Brothers house; Now I going out of the door first, one
of these robustious fellows laid hands upon me, taking me for the party
they waited for, my two companions endeavouring to rescue me were seized
on by the other three Baylifs, so that we seeing no hopes of escape,
resolved to cry whore first, and with full mouth cryed out _Thieves,
thieves_; _Trusty Roger_ and the man that should have been arrested,
hearing this cry, took weapons in their hands, and out of doors they
came, where _Roger_ soon perceiving how the business went _ah you
Rogues_ (said he) _doe you come to rob my Master_? and thereupon laid so
nimbly about him, being seconded by the other, that the Bailiffs were
glad to let us go to defend themselves. Whilest they were thus busied in
pelting each other, we slipped away with our prize, and to take a full
revenge of those Catch-poles, raised several of the neighbors, whom we
sent to the apprehending of the Bayliffs, whilest we marched away in
safety; what became of them afterwards I doe not know, onely this I tell
thee, to let thee see that there is not any danger whatsoever so great,
but by wit and cunningness may be avoided. This story I heard with great
attention which so wrought upon my mind that I thought my self no less
than a second _Robin Hood_ or little _John_, and thereupon resolved to
put in speedy execution my fathers dictates which yet proved very
unfortunate to me, as you will finde by that which follows.



                                CHAP. V.

_His robbing of Orchards, how he was cachett by a Night-spell; the
  extremity their family was brought unto, and how to relieve it, he
  robbed a Grocer._

My mind being thus fully fixt to follow thieving, I began my trade in
robbing of Orchards, returning home with laden thighs, the trophies, and
spoils of Cherry-trees, Pear-trees, and Plum-trees. My mother instead of
correcting me for what I had done, encouraged me to proceed on as I had
begun; for indeed hunger had pinched us sorely ever since my brothers
death, my fathers credit being so eclipsed thereby, that until people
saw he would mend his life, scarce any one would employ him to mend
their shoes. One Orchard I especially haunted it being stor’d with most
gallant fruit, whose very looks me thought did cry, _Come eat me_: but
so often I frequented the same, especially one tree of more choice fruit
than all the rest, that the owner of the Orchard (being a rich miserable
chuff, and one who knew on which side his bread was butter’d) began to
mistrust the same, and therefore that his apples might not depart away
without first taking leave of him, he resolved for the future to prevent
the same, and having some little skill in negromancy, against my next
coming he inchanted his Orchard with a Night-spel.

This he placed at the four corners of his Orchard, in the hour of
_Mars_, and is of such force being rightly applyed, that who ever comes
within the bounds thereof, must be forced to stay there till Sun-rising.
Now I that knew not any thing of what was done, according to my
accustomed course, having the dark night for my coverture, boldly
enter’d the Orchard, with winged haste ascended upon one of the trees,
where having filled a bag with Apples which my mother had furnished me
withal for that purpose, I thought to depart away as formerly I had
done, but the case was quite alter’d from what was before; for I found
my self in such a Labyrinth that the best clue of my invention could not
winde me out; Here did I wander about with my bag on my shoulders
(having not the power in the least to lay it down) till such time as
_Aurora_ begun to usher in the day, when the old chuff enter’d the
Orchard to see what fish his net had caught, resolving with severity to
punish the _Caitifs_ that had stoln away his goods, but in stead of a
Gudgeon finding but a sprat, beholding my Childish years, he could not
imagine me to be the Author of so much wrong as he had received; and
thereupon altering his resolution of breaking arms and leggs as he first
intended, he stepped back to his house & fetched from thence a great
burchin rod, the instrument wherewith he intended to chastise me withal,
with much silence he approached unto me; (for a words speaking would
dissolve the charm) and having with some strugling untrust my Breeches,
laying me over his knee, he began to exercise the office of a Pedagogue
upon me; now I having for some space of time before eaten nothing but
green fruit, had gotten a terrible looseness, which with the fright that
I was in, and the smart that I felt, wrought such effects in my belly,
that opening my posteriors, I discharged a whole volley of excrements in
his face. This action of mine made him at once to shut his eyes, open
his mouth, and unloose his hands, so that the charm being broken, and my
body at liberty, I quickly conveyed my self out of the Orchard, leaving
the old catterpillar in a very stinking condition, not to be remedied
without the benefit of that cleansing element of water.

Warned by this disaster, I was very fearful to enter into any more
Orchards, and indeed had I met no Remora in my proceedings, yet this
trade would soon have failed, for not long after the Apples were all
transplated out of the Orchard into the Cellar, and winter began to
hasten on apace. And now hunger which will not be treated withal without
bread, began to reign Lord and King in our family; the Chandler would
let us have no more cheese for chalk, nor peny loaves for round O’s, we
had made a black poast white already with our score, and his belief
would extend no further to trust us for any more: nay the very
Ale-house-keeper (to whom we were such constant customers) was now grown
such a Nullifidian, that he would not believe us for small-beer,
wherefore we were forced to make a vertue of necessity, and to prevent
starving, our houshold goods marched away one after another; the first
thing that we sold was the Cup-board as the most unnecessary thing in
all the house, having no victuals to put therein; soon after followed
the Table as an appendix to it, for seeing the Table will hold no
victuals thereon for us to eat, we in revenge thereof did eat up the
Table; That (with some joynt-stools belonging to it) being devoured and
gone, our stomacks were so hot that it soon melted away the pewter
dishes; for we considered with our selves that good meat might be eaten
out of wooden platters; then followed the napkins and table-cloaths, for
we were not so much cloyed with fat meat but that a little linnen would
serve to wipe the greace off of our fingers; in fine this pinching
hunger was the _Habeas corpus_ that removed all our goods out of the
House unto the Brokers, and now our dwelling place corresponded with our
bellies, being alike both empty.

In this comfortless condition we remained for the space of three days,
having neither money nor any thing to make money of; being thus sadly
necessitated, my father and I set our witts upon the Tenter-hooks which
way to recruit our decayed estate, many inventions we had for that
purpose, and present necessity urged us to make a speedy use of one of
them, which not long after we brought to pass in this manner.

It being then winter time, the Evenings long and dark, we bought a Link
for three pence, the remainder of our whole estate; with this about ten
of the clock in the night we marched out, resolving to fasten on the
fairest opportunity that should present its self to our sight; many
streets we traversed, but found not any thing that might answer either
our intent or expectation. Coming at last to _Basing-lane_, and casting
our wandring eyes into a Shop, we there espyed a Grocer telling of money
on a Counter, being lighted only by a single candle; this made for our
purpose, whereupon my father planting himself, I boldly entered the
Shop, desiring him to give me leave to light my Link; which being
granted, I with the same soon popt out his Candle, snatching up a
handful of mony, ran out of the doors with the same as fast as I could;
the Grocer hasted after me amain, in the mean time my father stept into
the shop, and took away the remainder of the mony. My nimbleness had
soon out stripped the Grocer, who returned back, and found that the
Devil might dance upon his Counter, for there was never a cross to keep
him from it. About an hour after we met together at home, where having
counted our purchase, we found it amounted to seven pounds eighteen
shillings and six pence. So long as this mony lasted, the pot, the spit,
and pitcher was never idle; but what was thus got over the Devils back
was soon spent under his belly, and in a short time we were reduced to
as great want as we were in before.



                               CHAP. VI.

_He cheateth a Cutler, afterwards robbeth a bacon man, his father is
  prest away for a Soldier, his mother dyeth, and he being left alone
  goeth to live with an uncle, where he acteth many Rogueries._

Necessity is the best whetstone to sharpen the edge of a mans invention,
when the gutts begin to grumble against the belly for want of food, oh
in what a confusion is then this little microcosme of ours? how is the
invention rack’d, tortur’d and stretched forth to supply that defect, my
hungry belly found this to be too true, which made me set my wits on
work for a speedy remedy; a project quickly came into my head, but to
effect the same I wanted mony; this was a double task for me to doe, but
a willing minde overcomes all difficulties; away went I to a Cutlers,
where in the cheapning of one knife, I stole another, and lest the
Cutler should mistrust me, I came up to his price, but pretended I had
forgotten my mony, and therefore must goe home and fetch it. This stoln
knife I sold for a groat, which money I intended for a bait to catch a
bigger fish; some few streets I traversed before my project would
fasten, at last coming to _Warwick Lane_ I saw in a Bacon-shop a fellow
standing in a pocket blew-apron whose innocent looks gave me confident
hopes of a golden prize; in I went and asked him the price of a pound of
bacon, six pence boy said he of the rib, and four pence of the gammon;
then give me a pound of the gammon (said I) and here is a groat the
whole estate of a poor boy who hath been a long time in getting the
same. Whilest he was weighing it I told him I had a curst mother in law,
who fed me only with a bit and a knock, which made me to go with an
empty belly and a heart full of sorrow; that if shee should know I were
in possession of so eatable a commodity, she would take it from me, and
that she did often search my pocket for that purpose: I therefore
desired him to prevent the worst that might happen, to put the same down
my back betwixt my doublet and shirt, which whilst he was doing, I
leaning my head against him, with a short knife cut the pocket out of
his apron, and having thanked him very kindly, away I went, leaving my
poor Bacon-man with a bottomless pennyless pocket.

My purchased prize was about thirty shillings, of which some four of it
was in brass farthings; but all was currant coyn that came into my
hands, for I made no scruple at all in the receiving it; with this I
returned home, thinking to be received with much joy, as having gotten
that in my pocket which would make us all merry, but the case was quite
alter’d from what was before; my mother was on a sudden fallen sick, my
father pressed for a soldier, & hurried away. This much abated the edge
of my mirth, but my years not being capable of much sorrow, although my
Mothers death ensued not long after, yet it was soon over, and indeed
her outward condition was so deplorable, it had been almost impiety to
have wished her longer life.

Now though my condition was bad enough before, yet by my Mothers death
it was much worse; I was now left to the wide world, friendless,
monyless, and pittyless, for not any one of the neighbors would give me
entertainment, expecting no good fruit from the loyns of such a bad
stock. To follow my trade of theiving I began to dread, for every line,
rope, & halter that I saw, methoughts did admonish me to leave it off,
for fear I came home short at last, and to follow the occupation of
begging was then a very bad time to begin in, it being about the depth
of winter: at last I remembred my Mother had a brother, a
Barber-Chyrurgion, living in St. _Martins_; thither I went, acquainted
him with his sisters death, my own sad condition, and what a boy I would
prove if it would please him to give me entertainment; he being ignorant
of the trade that I drove, and moved with compassion at my pittiful
tale, told me if I performed what I promised, I should not want for any
thing he could assist me in: hereupon I was had into the house, and
though my Aunt scowled on me, my Uncle commanded my rags to be taken
off, and a suit of one of my Cousins put upon me, as being the more
durable, although my own were a thousand strong.

Having thus with the snake cast my skin, and attained to good diet and
lodging, I quickly began to be as brisk as a body-Lowse, and to vapour
amongst the boys like a Crow in a Gutter; and (notwithstanding my
promise) my mind was now wholly fixt upon Roguery, but in a lower orb
than what I practised before, tending rather to mirth then much
mischief; to doe this I had several inventions, according as time and
place were convenient; one of my first exployts was, that being sent of
an errand to a Grocers shop in a frosty morning, where was a pan of
coals to warm their fingers, I secretly conveyed therein some Guinney
peper, which set the Prentices in such a violent coughing fit that they
were not able to speak to a Customer; their Mistress hearing this noise
below, came running down staires, where senting the matter, she began to
speak aloud at both ends, and being something laxative by drinking of
Sider, she bewrayed in what a condition she was in by what was scattered
on the floar.

Sometimes would I in a clean place where wenches were to pass, lay a
train of Gun-powder; and at the very instant that they went along, set
fire to it, which was a great pleasure to my Worship to see how the poor
Girles would skip and leap, just like a horse when he hath a nettle
under his tayle. At other times in the night would I tye a line from one
side of the street to the other about half a foot high, whereby those
that came next were sure to have a fall; nay I could not forbear to act
my Rogueries in the Church it self, having a Goose-quill filled with
lice and fleas, which I would purchase of the Beggars for broken meat;
these would I blow into the necks of the daintiest Gentlewomen that I
could see. At other times would I with a needle and thread (which I
always carried about with me in my pocket) sow mens cloaks and womens
Gowns together as they stood in the Crowd, so that when they went away,
there would be such pulling of one another, that they would never leave
until one of their Garments had a piece of it rent out.

Amongst other instruments of mischief wherewith I exercised my self, one
was a hallow trunck to shoot with, in which I was such an artist that I
seldome mist hitting the mark I aimed at; and that I might be the better
undiscovered I on purpose brake a hole in the glass-window, through
which I used to shoot at my pleasure, scarce could an oyster-wench or
Kitching-stuff wench pass by, but I would hit her on the neck, hands, or
some naked place, which would set her a rayling and scolding for a
quarter of an hour together at she knew not whom. One Monday morning a
shoo-makers maid had been fetching a great pitcher of beer for the
Crispins to begin their weeks work withall; now as she sayled along with
the pitcher in her hand, which with the weight thereof drew her quite a
one side, to prevent the wenches growing crooked thereby, I levell’d so
right that I hit her on the fingers, so that down came the pitcher, and
with the weight thereof brake all in pieces, and spilt the good liquor;
the poor wench cryed pittyfully, the Crispins stormed for loosing their
mornings draughts, and being informed it was I that did it, they vowed
to be revenged on me, which not long after they brought to pass.

For I that could not live without Roguery no more then a fish without
water, still continued my trade notwithstanding all their threats. One
day whilest I was watching for my prey, thorow the hole of the
glass-window aforesaid, there came by a man with a basket of
drinking-glasses on his head; scarce was he past me, when I saluted him
with a dirt-bullet on the Calf of his leg, which made him give such a
leap, that down came the basket with the glasses clattering upon the
stones, making such a murther amongst them, that never was a Citizen
(though he owed ten thousand pound more then he was worth) so much
broken as they. The fellow seeing his glasses thus mortified, cursed
most bitterly, breathing forth nothing but revenge, if he did but know
who it was that did it. I who was conscious of my own guilt, hearing him
so to thunder, thought some of his anger might lighten on me, and
therefore to prevent the worst, I ran up the stairs, and hid my self
under the bed; but he that hath a bad name is worse then half hang’d,
the shoomakers who I had mischiefed before, right or wrong, said
positively that it was I, urging him on to revenge hiself on my Uncles
glass-windows; the fellow who was easily induced to believe what they
said, and to act accordingly, made no more adoe but up with his empty
basket, and to revenge his quarrel made such havock of the windows, that
there was scarcely ever a quarrel left. O how did my Uncle look, and my
Aunt scold to see their house thus metamorphosed into the shape of a
Bawdy-house; but it was in vain for them to complain, every one took the
mans part, and laid all the blame of the mischief upon me; hereupon was
a privy search made all the house over for me, and being found my poor
buttocks paid full dearly for the breaking of the windows, my Aunt
standing by all the while to see execution done upon me, and urging my
Uncle on to beat me, for which I cursed her in my heart most bitterly.



                               CHAP. VII.

_He discovers his Aunts playing loose with a Shopkeeper, his Vncles
  invective against women._

My Aunts unkindness to me vexed me to the heart, so that I vowed to my
self to be revenged on her; the print of the rod did not stick so fast
on my buttocks as the remembrance of her words did stick in my minde; I
was not so watched by _Argus_ as I watched her, for I knew that women
were subject to many faults, and my Aunt as subject as any of the rest;
One Shopkeeper used constantly to haunt our house, not a day passed in
which we had not his company; This man my uncle entertained with very
much respect, for what reason I know not, unless it were that of the

             _Experience plainly doth unto us shew,
             Cuckolds are kind to them that make them so._

One day my Uncle went forth to dress a patient, no sooner was he gone
but the Shopkeeper was there; Now our whole family consisted only of
four persons, my Uncle and Aunt, a maid and my self; in order therefore
for their more privacy, the maid was sent to the market to buy eggs, and
my self had liberty to go forth to play; I kindely thanked my Aunt for
this courtesie, and taking my hatt, with a seeming forwardness pretended
to go forth: but clapping to the door on the in side, I softly sneaked
back and hid my self under the staires, where undiscerned I could
plainly see all the passages between my Aunt and the Shopkeeper. He
thinking us gone, took my Aunt by the hand, and clasping his arm about
her neck, fell to kissing her with as much eagerness as a hungry dog
snatcheth at a bone; no doubt but her lips were very sweet, for he was
still hanging at them as if he had taken a lease of them for three
lives; at last my Aunt began to struggle (I suppose for want of breath)
and opening her mouth (which I wisht a hundred times had been closed
eternally) she thus said to him: _No pish, why do you thus trifle? now
that the Coast is clear, let us take time by the for-lock lest we be
prevented of our design: in sooth you are so long about the prologue, as
may chance to marr the Comedy; make not such a long stop at the porch,
but enter loves Cittadel, and ransack all her treasures_, and so giving
him a short kiss, hand in hand up stairs they went. No sooner were they
gone, but I slipt out of my peeping hole, and coming to the door at the
stairs foot, softly locked the same, and putting the key in my pocket,
with as little noyse conveyed my self out of the house.

Thus whilest they were playing their game, I resolved to play mine, and
hiring a Porter, sent him to my Uncle, to certifie him that my Aunt was
swounded away, and laid upon the bed in such a condition as would grieve
him to the heart to behold it, desiring him to make all the haste home
that possibly he could; and having given him his message, I stept aside
to a neighbors house to observe (when my uncle came home) how the
project would take.

The Porter quickly dispatched his errand, and my Uncle suddenly posted
home, where entering the house and finding not any one within, he began
first to call for the maid, then for me, and last of all for my Aunt;
but receiving no answer, he attempted to go up stairs, when the
locksmiths daughter denyed him entrance. The two Lovers (who by this
time had verified the saying to be true, that a man may be made a
Cuckold in the short time of going to a neighbors house, as well as
going a voyage to the _West-Indies_) hearing my Uncle below, were almost
distracted with this surprize; my Aunt dreaded my Uncles anger, knowing
him to be of a very chollerick disposition; and the poor Shopkeeper
feared to be served as the Country Clown served the Curate whom he took
in bed with his wife, and whom he thus menaced.

               _Make me a Cuckold, reading Rogue:
                 No pulpit serve but Susan’s,
               Must Susan’s smock your pulpit be?
                 Ile take away that Nusance.
               And though Priest wept, and wife did beg,
                 Churl slighted words and tears,
               And at one gash from Curate took
                 Musquet and Bandaliers._

This feare of loosing his generals made him to shake worse than if he
had had a Tertian ague, and therefore to prevent it he crept underneath
the bed, whilest my Aunt went down stairs intending to smother up all
with a dissembling kiss; but when she saw the door was fast, and my
uncle asked her why she locked it? she could not tell what answer to
make at present; but being well principled in the mysteries of _Venus_,
she soon recollected her self, and with a sorrowfull voice (as if she
had been sick of a feaver for a fortnight together) she pewled out these
words: _Ah dear Husband_ (said she) _I was lately taken with such a
great swimming in my head, as not able to sit up longer, I was forced to
go up stairs and lie down upon the bed; in the mean time I suppose your
unhappy kinsman (who minds nothing but mischief) hath in revenge of me
for causing him to be beaten, locked the door, and thrown away the key_.
Whilest she was thus exclaiming on me, I came in puffing and blowing as
seeming quite orewearied with play, and as if ignorant of what had
hapned, asked very earnestly what was the matter? My Aunt though she
were mue’d up like a hawk, yet hearing my tongue, could not forbear to
vend her spleen against me in these words: _You impudent young Rogue_
(said she) _doe you act mischief and then plead ignorance? O that I were
but well for thy sake, I would make every limb of thee feel the weight
of my displeasure_, concluding her invective with as horrid a yelling as
an old woman grown hoars with crying of Sprats, or as a company of dogs
when they bark at the Moon.

My Uncle who was of the same nature that other Cuckolds are commonly of,
to believe whatsoever their Wife doe say unto them, hearing her so
positively to affirm it was I that did it, he began presently to ransack
my pockets for the key, protesting if he found the same about me, he
would make me an example of his severity. But I who always dreaded what
might ensue, to prevent such after claps, had before bestowed the same
in a house of office. No sooner had my Uncle examined my pockets, (where
was not any thing to be found that might do me a prejudice,) but I began
to enveigh against my Aunts malice in blaming my innocency, and to
perswade him it could be no other then some thief, who whilest my Aunt
slept, having locked the door, had hid himself in one of the Chambers.
This though it carried but little show of probability in it, yet the
fear of loosing his Mammon made him believe any thing, and therefore
presently sent me for a Smith to break open the door, which being done,
we all three ascended the stairs to search for his hidden Thief,
although my Aunt vehemently urged the contrary, alleadging it was
impossible that any one should go up the stairs but she must needs hear
them; how ever my uncle would not be so pacified, but searching about,
he at last spyed the poor Shopkeeper as he lay shaking underneath the
bed half dead with fear. But when he saw who it was, turning to my Aunt
he said, _You impudent whore, do you abuse me thus? you could feign
sickness with a pox to you, when you were so rampant as to Cornute me in
my absence: is this your pretended chastity and reservation? I shall
take a time when to be even with you; In the mean time Master
Shopkeeper_ (said he) _I will have my pennyworths out of you_, and
thereupon falling on him with his fists, (anger giving him at once both
strength and courage) he so buffeted the Shopkeeper, that had not the
Smith interposed, I suppose he would go near to have killed him; but
after an hundred or above of blows, the Smith stepped in betwixt them,
giving the Shopkeeper liberty to run away, bearing along with him the
marks of my Uncles anger, which he wore as badges in his face for a long
time after.

My Aunt seeing how bad the Shopkeeper had sped, and knowing the business
too apparent to be denied, fell down on her knees, desiring my Uncle to
pardon her for what was past, and protesting amendment for the time to
come; this her humiliation much mollified the edge of my Uncles anger,
who in stead of beating her (which I heartily wished) fell a railing on
the whole sex of women in general, in these or the like words.

O Nature! why didst thou create such a plague for men as women; how
happy were men had they never been; oh why could not Nature infuse the
gift of procreation in men alone without the help of women? then should
we never be acquainted with the deceitful devices of those Devils,
Harpies, Cockatrices, the very Curse of man, dissembling monsters, only
patcht up to cozen and gull men; borrowing their Hair from one,
Complexions from another, nothing of their own that’s pleasing, all
dissembled, not so much as their very breath is sophisticated with Amber
pellets and kissing causes, and all to train poor man unto his ruine. A
woman shee’s an Angel at ten, a Saint at fifteen, a Devil at forty, and
a Witch at fourscore, so stufft with vice as leaves no place for vertue
to inhabit; of such crooked conditions, and corrupt actions, that if all
the world were paper, the Sea inke, trees and plants, penns, and all men
Clerks, Scribes, and Notaries, yet would all that paper be scribled
over, the inke wasted, penns worn to the stumps, and all the Scriveners
weary, before they could describe the hundredth part of a womans
wickedness, so that I may very well conclude with the Poet.

              _There is not one good woman to be found;
              And if one were, she merits to be crown’d._

This my Uncles invective puts me in mind of a story which I have heard
since, concerning the scarcity of good women, that above five hundred
years agone, there was a great sickness almost throughout the whole
world, wherein there dyed forty four millions, eight hundred seventy two
thousand, six hundred and eighty three good women, and of bad women only
two hundred and fourteen; by reason whereof there hath been such a
scarcity of good women ever since, the whole breed of them being then
almost utterly extinct.



                              CHAP. VIII.

_His Aunt and the maid joyn together, and by a blinde wager make him to
  be laughed and hooted at by the boyes; he is soundly revenged on them
  both for the same._

Never was Prentice more subject to a Master then my Aunt was to my
Uncle, after the discovery of her leachery; his desires were commands,
and those commands laws which were by her put in speedy execution, if he
bid her go, she would run; doe that, it was no sooner said then done,
but the greatest miracle of all was, that if she were never so busy in
talking, yet if he said but _peace_, she would suddenly hold her tounge,
which before used to be in perpetual motion, and was as hard to be
stopped as a stream when it hath overflowne its banks, or the sails of a
mill when the wind blows in its greatest violence, so that a serene sky
seemed to have succeeded that storm that all things were pacified, and
that my Uncle had contentedly put his horns in his pocket.

But though she carried fair weather in her countenance, she had storms
of revenge in her heart towards me; for she did more than conjecture
that it was I which had caused her all this mischief; and therefore
since she durst not vend her spleen upon me her self, she used the help
of her Maid, who brought the same to pass after this manner.

One evening (my uncle being abroad) whilest she, the maid and I were
sitting alone by the fire, after some other discourse, the maid profer’d
to lay a wager with me that I could not blindfolded with my tongue lick
forth a six pence from betwixt her breasts, this I thought so easy a
thing to do, that I willingly laid a shilling with her on the same, and
presently accorded for to be blinded: which whilest she was doing, my
Aunt (as it was before agreed) stepped forth of doors, and called in a
Boy who was to act their design, as also some of the neighbours to be
spectators of this my folly. Now in stead of the Maids brest, the Boyes
Hose were put down, and his naked breech exposed to be the object for me
to lick, which I greedily persued: but presently hearing a gigling, and
senting a ranck smell, I soon desisted, as being very apprehensive what
the matter was. But when I was unblinded, and beholding my shame before
my eyes, I hung down my head and look't like a dog that had stole a
pudding, much blaming my credulity, and bitterly cursing the great cause
of that their jollity.

For a long time after I could not walk the streets, I was so laughed and
hooted at by the Boyes, my Aunt and the Maid having spread the same
abroad in every place, flesh and blood could not endure this, to see my
enemies triumph in my shame, so that nothing now ran in my mind but
revenge, the very thought of mischief was more sweet unto me than
Muscadine and Eggs, and soon I thought upon a way for to do it. One of
our neighbours who beared a little love to my Aunt, as she did to me, or
loyalty to my Uncle, having a burning glass, I imparted my project unto
him, who applauding my invention, willingly lent me the same; thus
fitted with an instrument, I soon found out an opportunity to work my
revenge. My Aunt being extreamly proud, used to wear Lawn Ruffs of a
great value. One Sun-shiney day, sitting in the Shop a sowing with her
back towards me, I took the burning-glass, and by attracting the
Sun-beams set her Ruffs on a flame about her neck, which made her to
shreik and bellow most hiddeously; whereupon I started up, and as if
affrighted snatched up a payl of dirty water away from the Maid
wherewith she was washing the Kitchin, and poured the same on my Aunts
head; this though it made her to look like a Bawd that was newly
alighted from the Cart wherein she had ridden for the sin of leachery,
did she take as a great courtesie at my hands, having thereby
extinguisht the fire wherein otherwise she might (she said) have
perisht; not in the least judging it was I that did it, but imputing it
as a just Judgment upon her for her intollerable pride, and vowing
thereafter to be more humble in her carriage, and loving unto me.

Now though I thought I had plenary satisfaction for my abuse, of my
Aunt, yet I resolved that the maid should in no case go scotfree, but
that her disgrace should be equal to mine; Being thus resolved, I
procur’d some Emmets Eggs by the help of a Countryman; the nature of
which are, that being taken, in broth posset, ale, or the like, they
will set the parties on farting, as if they would break their very
twatling strings therewith. The very next day after I had gotten them,
my Uncle had invited some Guests to dinner, wherefore I resolved to put
my resolution in execution then. That morning the maid to strengthen her
the better to go through her work, had provided her self a Caudle, she
being of the same nature that most women are of, to know very well what
is good for themselves, no sooner was her back turned, but I conveyed
the Eggs into the same, which she very freely drank off, but presently
her Belly began to wamble, and her back-side proclaimed aloud that she
was very much troubled with winde; such loud reports she gave, and so
fast they came one after another, that the good wife in the Tale _of the
Fryer and the Boy_, was a meer nothing to her. I could not forbear
laughing if I should have been hang’d to hear how fast she trumpt it
about, which gave her occasion to mistrust that I had done something
unto her; but when she went to rail at me, her tongue could not be heard
for the exceeding noise that she made with her Tail. By this time my
Aunt was come down off her Chamber, but hearing how the Maid talkt to
her at both ends, she could not forbear laughing neither, which vexed
the Maid worse than before. My Uncle hearing the great noise that was
made, came also to see what was the matter, but _Jane_ (for so was the
Maids name) was so ashamed that she could not speak one word for
blushing, only that her Tail proclaimed that she had a very great Civil
War within her belly: poor _Jane_ did all she could to hold it in but it
would not do, but out it flew with such impetuosity, that my uncle could
less forbear then we, but laughed as if he would have split himself.
This treble noise of laughter made _Jane_ to think that we had all
conspired against her, wherefore she got into her Chamber, and
notwithstanding dinner was to dress, yet locking the door, all the
Rhetorick that could be used to her, could not prevail with her to quit
her Chamber all that day.

Next morning (her body being now in a quiet temper) she appeared out of
her den, but who should then have seen her looks might plainly perceive
how anger and shame strove which should have most predominancy in her;
at first her Clack began to go, but my Aunt pacifying her, she fell to
her work as she was accustomed. Now over night I had so devulg’d it
amongst the Boyes, that when that forenoon she was sent to market, she
had not been far out of doors but she had a hundred boyes at her heels,
farting with their mouths, and making such loud hoots and hollows, that
she was forced to return back again, where inclosing her self within her
Chamber till night, she packt up her cloaths and in the dusk of the
Evening departed away, whither I never saw her afterwards.



                               CHAP. IX.

_Some abuses of Chyrurgions; the knavery of Tapsters, Hostlers and
  Chamberlains, with a brief character of a drunken Host._

Having now attained to about twelve years of age, my uncle began to
instruct me somewhat in his art of Chyrurgery, intending when I had
attained some small perfection therein, to send me to Sea, although my
minde never stood that way, resolving not to be mue’d up in a wooden
Cage, where there was but some few inches distance continually betwixt
me and death. In this small tract of time that I was thus employed with
my Uncle, I found out much cuningness in his art whereby to gain money,
for if it were but a prickt finger, he would make a great matter of it,
and tell you what danger you had been in if you had staid but a minute
longer; instancing how such a one his Patient _by only cutting of a
Corn, and drawing blood, it turned to a Gangreen, which by bad handling
of unskilful Chyrurgions growing worse and worse, they were at last
inforced to send for him, who in a few days made him perfectly sound,
that otherwise_ (had he not come to him) _must inevitably have perisht_.

Now because monyed Customers were something rare, when they did come we
made both their bodies and purses smart for it; lengthening out the
healing of their wounds, the better to wire-draw their purses. Indeed we
were not so much beholding to the Wars, as we were to the Stews, unless
sometimes a Tavern quarrel brought us a Patient; but then what a brave
incitement we had to make him part with his mony, telling him he might
recover that and ten times more of his Adversary, that we would be
witness for him, and that if he had not met with a skilful Chyrurgion,
it would have cost him his life; when as perhaps it was but a little
scratch, his block-head being too hard for to receive any deep wound.

One story of a Patient I shall relate, not so much to show the rarity of
his cure, but the malice of a woman which occasioned his hurt.

The fellow by his profession was a Plaisterer, who had a most damnable
scold to his wife, that used to fetch him from the Ale-house with a
Horse-pox; one night coming home three quarters drunk, she acted the
part of _Zantippe_, and make the House to ring with her scolding; this
musick was so untunable in her husbands ears, that getting a Cudgel in
his hands, he fell to be labouring her as Sea-men do stock-fish, until
he made her to ask him forgiveness, and promise him never to scold so
again: Having thus as he thought got an absolute conquest over her
tongue, he went quietly to Bed, where he slept soundly, whilest she lay
awake studying of mischief. In the morning before he wak't she examind
his pockets for mony, the common tricks of a great many women; but found
nothing in them save only some lath-nails; these did she take and set
upright all about the Chamber, which done she gets a pail of water in
her hands, and calling aloud, commands him to rise, which he refused to
do, she throws the pail of water upon the Bed; this so vext him that
starting suddenly up, he went to run after her, when his naked feet
lighting upon the lath nails, he was forced to slacken his pace, being
so mortified with them, that for three quarters of a year afterwards he
lay under my Uncle’s hands.

But to return where I left. I had not been long at the Trade, when my
Uncle one day walking down to _Wapping_, provided me of a master to go
to Sea, which (as I told you before) I was fully resolved against, and
therefore very peremptorily I told him that I would not go, which so
incensed him that he vow’d that I should not stay any longer in his
house; I was the less troubled at his words because the day before I had
heard of a Tapster in an Inn not far off that wanted a Boy; thither
therefore went I and profferd my service unto him, which he as readily
accepted, and the same night was I entertained into the House, he having
heard the cause of my departure from my Uncle, for which he rather
blamed him than me.

Now was I in my Kingdom having store of company, and my fill of strong
drink, which two things I dearly loved. I applied my self to my calling
very diligently, and soon learned to cry _Anon, anon Sir_, and _By and
by_, with as much alacrity as the best Tapsters Boy in Christendom. My
Master taught me how to nick the Canns, and froth the Jugs, and with the
crotched chalk to score up two flaggons for one, and I quickly found the
way, when Company was drinking to take away flaggons before they were
half empty, and full tobacco-pipes amongst the foul ones. When Company
first came in, I always observ’d to bring them of the best liquor, but
when they were half drunk, then that which run on Tilt, or the drappings
of the tap should serve their turn; if they found fault, I would take it
away to change it, but nevertheless they should be sure to pay for it,
as if they had drunk it.

One thing I observed of my master, that if the Reckoning once came to
above three shillings, he would be sure to bring in six pence or eight
pence more than it was; then when the Company were going away he would
say, _Nay stay, Gentlemen, & take my half dozen Cans before you go_,
which most commonly produced another reckoning, the Gentlemen not
knowing how to retaliate his kindness without doing so, by this means
getting their mony, with thanks to boot. If Gentlemen brought tobacco of
their own, we would say it stunk were it never so good, and feigning a
Cough as if half stifel’d, cry out, _Who is it that takes of this
stinking stuff? this is enough to suffocate the Devil_. Which would make
some Gentlemen to throw away their pipes and say, _Pox on this Grocer he
hath cheated me damnably, come give us three pipes of your tobacco_,
which when they have had they would commend for superexcellent, although
perhaps twelve pence in the pound worse than his own, by which may be
proved that tobacco is nothing else but a meer fancy.

I seeing my master cozen Gentlemen so frequently, thought with my self
that I might cozen them also, or at least-wise cozen my master, who so
often cozened others, being warranted thereto by that of the Poet.

             _Cozen the Cozener, commonly they be
             Profain, let their own snare their ruine be._

And therefore when he was out of the way, to the reckoning I would add a
groat, six pence, eight pence, or twelve pence, according as it was in
bigness, which yet I would also score up, lest if he came in the way
before it was paid, and should tell the score; I might be mistrusted;
but if I received the mony before he came, then the over-plus went into
my own pocket, which could not be discovered when the chalk was wiped

In Summer, when people drank in Canns, if my Master were in company (as
oft-times he was invited by Guests to drink with them) we had a Can with
a false bottom that held not above a quarter of a pint, which in the
delivery of them I always so ordered as that Can came to his hands,
which he would drink off leisurely, and then turning the bottom upwards,
it past undiscerned, saving thereby much beer in a day, keeping himself
sober to drink in other companies.

In Winter for morning-draughts we furnished our Guests with _Gravesend_
toasts, which is bread toasted over night, our plenty of Guests not
permitting us to do it in the morning; if we put any of them into drink
before our Guests (as sometimes we were forced to do) we would be sure
to warm the beer or ale before-hand, and in putting in the toast cry
siz, although it were as cold as a stone.

But my Master and I were not all the cozeners that belonged to the Inn,
the Hostler claimed as great a share in that mistery as we. His chief
cunning consisted in tallowing Horse-teeth that they should eat no hay;
or when a Gentleman gave his Horse oats, no sooner was his back turn’d,
but he would steal them half away, telling the Gentleman, _his Horse
must needs travel well he was so quick at his meat_. If a Gentleman’s
saddle were any thing torn he would be sure to make it so bad that he
could not ride any further with it without mending, as also to spoyle
the shoes on the Horses feet, that he must be forced to have new ones,
for which he had pensions from the Smith and the Sadler.

Nor must I here forget the Chamberlain, who deserved to be rancked with
the foremost for Roguery; he was a sly thief, and used to cheat Guests
with foul sheets, pretending them to be clean, when as they had been
lain in three or four times; and then a little water strowed on them,
and foulded up and prest, made them seem as if new washt. He was a very
diligent observer of Gentlemens Cloakbags, whether they had good silver
linings in them or no, which if he found to be ponderous, his next care
was to inquire what Country-men they were, which way they travelled, and
the like, which having found, he gave intelligence accordingly to a Gang
of Highway men, with whom he was in continual pay.

These were the Servants that belonged to this Inn, such a parcel of
Canary-birds as well deserved to look through a Hempen Casement at the
three corner’d tenement in the high-way betwixt _London_ and
_Paddington_. Were not those Guests well blest think ye, which hapned in
such a place where none but knaves, thieves, and cheaters were their
attendants? Now you cannot but imagine that the Master of such Servants
was well worthy of his place, I shall therefore only give you a brief
character of the Host himself, and so proceed on in my discourse.

He seemed by his bulk to be of the race of the old Gyants, and though
his belly were not so big as the tun at _Heidleburg_, yet a flaggon of
beer therein seemed no more than a man in _Pauls_. He commanded with as
much imperiousness as if he were the great _Cham_ of _Tartaria_, and had
an excellent faculty to strut along the streets with the top of his
staff bobbing against his lips, he could call the young wenches whores
with a great grace; and when he took tobacco, his mouth vented smoak
like the funnel of a Chimney. He much blamed the English for affecting
to drink wine, preferring beer and ale before all forraign liquors
whatsoever. To show his loving nature he would drink with all companies,
and would toss off a _Cann_ with celerity and dexterity. He would not be
jealous though he saw another man kissing his wife, knowing such her
familiarity to be the greatest Load-stone that attracted Guests to his
house, in summe, his forenoons work was to scoope in beer by the Quart,
and the most part of the afternoon to spend in sleeping.

In this house I wasted away my time nigh three quarters of a year, but
then a sad accident befel my Master, which left me again to shift for my
self; he had belike been dabling in private with _Prudence_, one of the
maids belonging to the house, I know not what the business was, but she
looked so bigly on him that he could not endure her sight, and therefore
to avoid it, he privately put off his Cellar to another, and having
received his money, marched off _incognito_, leaving me to the wide
world; for this new Tapster having a boy of his own, dismissed me to
shift for my self.



                                CHAP. X.

_The cheats of Cookes, a story of the Spirit in the Buttery, he steals a
  silver Bowl, the Cozenages of Astrologers; the death of his Father
  being killed in a drunken brangling._

Long I was not without a Master, being entertayned into a Cooks service,
of which I rejoyced not a little, being in good hope however the world
went, that I should not be starved in a Cookes shop, one extraordinary
priviledge I had by living in this service; for if the old proverb be
true, _that the nearer the bone, the sweeter the flesh_, then I always
ate of the sweetest, my diet being to pick the bones that came off of
Gentlemens Tables. During the time that I lived here, although I had
been a young wench, I should not needed to have feared being troubled
with the Green-sickness, running up and down stairs so many score times
in a day would have cured me of that malady; those who had seen my
nimbleness would have absolutely judged that my shooes were made of
cork, I was as light heel’d as she who hath made her Husband Cuckold
seven and twenty times over. My Master drave a great trade, not onely in
boil’d meat and roast meat, but also in baking small pies, which the
women cryed up and down the streets for him. Every Friday I observed we
had brought in a Porters basket full or two of pieces of raw meat, which
though me thought they smelt very unsavory, yet were they made use of,
some minced, others pepper’d and salted, and put into pies, ere the week
went about they all marcht off, I wondered for a great while from whence
this meat came, at last I was informed by one of the Prentices, that it
was such pieces as were cut off of the stinking raw hides, that were
brought into _Leaden-hall_ to sell there on Fridays; bless me thought I,
what deceit is here! then did I think on the old Proverb, _that the
blind eats many a fly_. No marvel that sicknesses are so rife, since
such unwholsome food must needs introduce them. Now because those pieces
of meat were lean and dry, they used to mix with them such fat pieces of
meat as Gentlemen left, adding thereto some dripping, and such like
stuff, which altogether made a gallant hodg-podg for hungry stomacks.

To roast meat twice over is so commonly now used amongst most Cooks,
that I think I shall not need to mention this as a rarity in my Master;
and yet would not that, nor what I mentioned before, nor his buying of
Carrion, such meat as would have dyed alone had it not been killed,
being diseased or maimed, and selling it for good; all this (I say)
would not do, notwithstanding all his great pains, but still he went
backwards in the world; which puts me in mind of a story that I have
heard some while ago, concerning an evil spirit that haunts the houses
of such persons who use unconscionable wayes whereby to grow rich, which
though it be nothing as concerning my life, yet I think it not amiss to
relate the same, as being not altogether impertinent to our purpose.

In the City of _Bristol_ (a place which may compare with the choicest of
_England_ for the fairness of the buildings, and richness of trading)
within the memory of our Fathers, there lived a young man named
_Francisco_, who although prentice to a Baker, yet when his time came
out, set up the trade of a Cook. This young man was very desirous to
gain a great estate quickly, and so impatient he was of being rich on a
sudden, that he resolved to leave no means unattempted which should lye
in his way whereby he might effect his desire, for so he might gain, he
stood not upon what means whereby he might doe it; bad infected meat he
sold for good, nickt his Canns, froatht his Jugs, scored up two flaggons
for one, yea what not? but all his endeavours arrived not to that height
which he expected, for notwithstanding he went forward in trading, doe
what he could he went backwards in thriving. This _Francisco_ had a
Priest to his Uncle, that lived about some twenty miles off him, who had
bestowed some small matter on him when his time came out whereby to set
him up, and two years being now expired, he repaired to his Nephew to
see how fortune had favor’d him, and whether he had made any improvement
of that little he had given him. The Nephew entertained him kindly, and
feasted him royally, but when his Uncle asked him how the world went
with him, he could not chuse but sigh, telling him what endeavours he
had used whereby to encrease his estate, but that all proved fruitless.
Ah Cozen (said the old man) come along with me, and I will show you the
thief that steals away all your gains, and thereupon taking him by the
hand he lead him into the Cellar, where when they were come, they beheld
a big fellow with a paunch like a tun, his eyes strutting out with
fatness, his thighes like to mill-posts, so unweildy that he could
hardly go; there they saw him gurmandizing on the cold meat that was
left, devouring more in a minute then six hungry plough-men could doe in
half an hour; after he had so eaten, he takes a flaggon in his hand, and
of the best beer, swallows down five or six of them full one after
another, which being done he vanisht away; this Cousin (said the Priest)
is _the Spirit of the Buttery_, who so long as you use unconscionable
wayes by cheating of people, hath power over what you have, which he
will so invisibly devour, that do what you can for the gaining of an
estate, it is but all in vain; and therefore if you intend to thrive,
you must take a clean contrary course to what you have done, and by
dealing honestly, there is no question but a blessing will follow upon
your endeavours.

The young man promised very faithfully to do according to his Uncles
directions, who thereupon returned home again: accordingly when his
Uncle was gone, he began to work a thorow reformation, bought of the
best meat, sold good pennyworths, filled his flaggons, scored right, and
dealt justly in all his acting, doing this, he quickly begins to thrive
in the world, grows rich, purchases house and land, and hath a great
stock by him besides; in so much that his wealth being taken notice of,
he was soon after chosen one of the Aldermen of the City. His Uncle
afterwards comes again to visit him, to whom he relates his change of
condition, and how God had blessed him with a plentifull estate. Now
Cousin (said the old Priest) let us again visit your Cellar; when they
came there, they beheld a thin, lean, meager fac’d fellow, one that
seemed more like an Anatomy than a man; his ribs appeared through his
cloaths, his eyes were sunck into his head, his cheeks look’d like to
shriveld parchment, and his legs (which were no bigger than cat-sticks
that boys use at trap-ball) were so weak as would hardly support his
body. He went to a platter of cold meat, but had not strength enough to
lift it up to his head; afterwards he assayed to draw some beer, but
could not pull the tap out of the fasset, so that seeing his endeavours
were in vain, with a deep sigh he vanisht away. Now Nephew (said the old
Priest) you may plainly perceive what it was that hinder’d you from
thriving before and therefore now since you are thoroughly instructed
whereby to be rich, I shall take my leave of you, wishing with all my
heart that all of your profession would leave off their cheating and
couzening tricks, and take the same course of life whereby to thrive as
you have done.

Now, said he, what think you of this discourse? is this quiet besides
the matter or no? in truth (quoth I), I think it is very pertinent to
the purpose, and I wish all tradesmen would follow the example, for when
they have done all they can, they will finde in the end that honesty is
the best policy, and to deal justly the high-way to grow rich: the best
bed-fellow to sleep with is a good conscience, and well doing (were
there no reward for it in the world to come) yet were it a sufficient
recompence in it self. But leaving this discourse, as that which is
rather to be wished for, than ascertained to be practised in this evil
age of ours: let me entreat you to proceed on in the discourse of your
life, as a thing which I much desire to hear.

That shall I gladly do, said he. Know then that after I had been at this
Cooks some small space of time, my Father returned home from being a
Soldier, in that voyage he was prest out as I told you of before; now
though he did not go out full, he returned home more empty than he went
out; without cloaths, and without money to buy any; and which was worst
so pinched with hunger, that he looked like a scare-crow, or one newly
risen from the dead. It grieved my heart to see him in this condition,
but how to remedy it I did not know; some little money I had which was
left of that I snipt in the Tapsters service, which I very freely
bestowed upon him, but alas that was gone as soon almost as received,
and I having no more to supply him, he asked me if we had no plate, that
went about the house? I told him we had; then (said he) to furnish me,
you must at such time as your house is full of Guests, upon their going
away convey a silver bowl into a secure place, which you may afterwards
deliver for me to one whom I will send for that purpose, for I will not
come to your house my self, because there shall be no suspition of me; I
promised him to do as he bid me, appointing him the time when he should
send the man, which was the next day; accordingly he came and I
deliver’d him a large silver bowl, which he carried cleverly away. At
night when my Master came to lock up his plate, the best bowl was
missing, which put all the house into disorder; my Master swore, my
Mistress scolded, the Servants grumbled, but who to blame not any one
could tell; onely the maid said she saw it in my hand that afternoon,
for which I wisht her tongue in a cleft stick, but stoutly denyed that I
had seen it that day: indeed my Master had a great conceit of my honesty
or else her bawling might have discover’d me, for had they charg’d me
with it strongly, I should not have had the impudence to have stood out
in the denyal of it, having that within me which strongly checked me for
doing it. But after some small inquisition about it, it was generally
agreed that some of the Guests had stollen it away; then next was
inquiry made what several companies we had that day, and which of them
was the most to be suspected; but the more they thought, the worse they
were satisfied, not one appearing more probable than another; wherefore
it was agreed by a general consent, that the next morning the Maid and I
should go to a cunning _Astrologer_ about it, one who was cryed up for
art to be little inferior to _Fryer Bacon_, for though he could not make
a brazenhead to speak, yet he had such a brazen face of his own, as
could out-face the Devil himself for lying.

I was not afraid to go, though I knew my own guilt, because I always
judged that Art to be a meer cheat, and though they lay their nets very
plausibly to take the people; yet they seldome catch any but owls and
wood-cocks. Knocking at the door, Master _Astrologer_ came out unto us,
so wrapped up in his Purple Gown, that you could scarcely see e'r an
honest limb of him; he had on his head a black cap with a white one
under it, which was turned up some part over the black one, that it
looked like a black Jack tipt with silver. After we had discovered our
business unto him, he told us the price of his art was a shilling
whether he found out the thief or no; we knew it was in vain for us to
contend with him, and therefore we very freely gave it him, by which he
perceived that the stars were very auspitious to him in that hour, or
else (for ought I know) he might have gone without his mornings-draught.
When he had received our money he very formally set himself down in a
Chair, having a peice of white paper before him, and then taking a pen
in his hand, he made thereon several Triangles and Quadrangles, with
other Crotchets and Whimsies, which he called the twelve Houses. Jupiter
_said he being Lord of the Ascendent, signifies good luck for the
gaining your Cup agen, did not_ Mars _interpose with an evil aspect
towards_ Mercury. _Now_ Venus _being on the fiery Trigon, denotes the
party that had it lives either East or West; and_ Saturn _being
Retrograde, and in the Cusp of_ Taurus, _it must needs be that it is
hidden under ground either North or South._ Then asked he us if there
were not a red hair’d man there that day? we told him no, nor a black
hair’d man neither said he? we still answer’d no; nor was there not
(said he) a brown hair’d man there, with grey Cloaths, not very tall,
nor very low? we told him yes; then asked he us if we knew him or no? we
answered no. _The_ Sun _saith he being ill posited in the eleventh
House, and_ Mercury _in Trine with_ Virgo _it was without all doubt a
brown hair’d man that had your bowl._ Then asked I him if it might not
be a woman as well as a man? this put him something to his trumps; but
when the Maid said that could not be, for there was never a strange
woman there all that day, he grew bold and answer’d, no; _for_ Venus
said he _being weak in reception with_ Gemini, _and the_ Moon _in her
detriment, both Feminine Planets, does plainly tell that it was a man,
and one betwixt forty and fifty years of age_. Upon my life said the
Maid, I saw the party that had it, he was a curld pated fellow, with a
whitish Cloak and a sad coloured suit, about thirty years of age, he
dined in the half Moon, and had six penny worth of roast beef to his
dinner; but if ever I see the Rogue agen, ile teach him to steal bowls
with a murrain to him. I could not chuse but laugh to my self at the
wenches confidence, and the cheat of the Astrologer, and to think how
poor silly people are cozened by these Jugling Artists, for no better
term can I give them, as believing no truth at all in their prædictions;
for let me ask them this question, whether the Stars do compel or only
encline? if they say they compel, they speak little less than blasphemy,
by ascribing too much to Nature, and derogating from the Deity. If they
only encline, then what sure ground-work can there be for what they say,
when their conjectures are but only probable? And for their Doctrine of
nativities, that if a man be born under such a Planet, his destiny will
be so and so, and he will come to such an end; we see oft-times that in
a battel, a Canon bullet kills five or six at one instant, who no doubt
were born under several Planets, and yet come all to one fate; or if
they say it is possible so many might be born under one and the self
same Planet and aspects; yet let me go further with them; we have known
battels at Sea, when by an unhappy shot a Ship hath sunk in an instant,
with six or seven hundred men in her, who have all been drowned in the
deep. Will they say these were all born under one Planet? verily if they
should so say, I should not believe them; therefore I may say of our
Astrologers as Cato said of the _Aruspices of Rome_ in his time, that
_he wondred how one of them could forbear to laugh, when he met with any
of his fellows, to see how they deceived men, and made a great number of
simple ones in the City_. But I tire your patience with this digression,
for I expect not my words will work any Reformation in them, seeing they
may say with _Demetrius_ in the Acts of the Apostles, _that by this
Craft they get their wealth_.

To return therefore where we left, having taken leave of the Astrologer,
away we went home agen, fraught with a Sackful of news to tell our
Master. No sooner were we within doors, but the Maid set her clack
agoing; _Master_ (said she) _the Cunning man hath told us exactly who it
was that stole your bowl, he hath described him fully from top to toe,
not so much as his very shoostrings but he told us of what colour they
were of, his hat, his hair, his beard, his doublet, breaches, hose, not
one thing that he omitted. I served the Rogue that stole it with
Roast-beef my self, the Devil choak him with it, for I think silver will
not; but if ever he comes here again, or that I meet him in the streets,
ile serve him such a trick as shall make him wish he had never drank out
of any thing in his life but a wooden dish._ I said nothing all this
while, and though I knew she lied most abominably in what the Astrologer
said, yet I confirmed her speeches, hoping this would forever take away
suspition from me of being culpable, only I thought with my self if that
party she imagined to have it should come again to the House, what a
coil she would make with him; but whether she forgot his Physiognomy, or
that the man never came there agen, I never after that heard any more of
the matter.

In the mean time my father had disposed of the purchased prize, bought
him an old suit with some part of the mony, and ranted it in the
ale-house with the rest of it, for what is thus gotten over the Devils
back is for the most part spent under his belly. At last his sinful life
had a Tragical conclusion, for one of his Comrades and he being fudling
together, they chanced to fall out, and from words proceeded to blows,
where my father recieved such a knock on his pate with a flaggon, that
though it killed him not out-right, yet he survived not long after;
making his end answerable to his life: for as he led a troublesome life
all the dayes he lived, so he put the Parish to some trouble at his
death, who were forced to be at the charge of burying him.



                               CHAP. XI.

_The abuses of Nurses, and keepers of sick people, his Master dyeth, the
  knavery of his Executor both in his trade and office: he lives with a
  Locksmith, the knavery of that trade._

I was the less grieved for the death of my father, knowing, if he had
lived, he would have brought me to the Gallows, for he would have been
always in want, and urging me to supply him, which I could not do any
other wayes than by theft; but that now he was dead I resolved quite to
give over the practice of it, for fear in the end, it should bring me to
look through a hempen casement. And now I bent all my endeavours to
please my Master, knowing I had few friends to rely upon; I was up with
the first, and down with the last, and refused no work I was set unto,
and I found the benefit of my diligence at last, for it pleased God to
visit our family with the Pestilence, which in a weeks space, swept away
all the whole Houshold but my Master and I. In this weeks time I
observed the abuses and cheats of Nurses and Keepers, such who look to
people who are visited with the sickness. Two of these Jades we had in
our house, who when my mistris lay distracted with the distemper, took
away her keys, and ransackt her Trunks, from whence they took a purse
full of money, most of it gold, which she had gathered unknown to my
Master, intending to keep it for her further need, (or as we say)
against a rainy day. Thus these Jades convey’d away together with a
great deal of the best linnen in the house, which was done by the help
of the watch-man that guarded the door, who was son-in-law to one of the
Queans, and now that my Master might not discover their theft, they sent
her of an errant to her long home, by giving her drinks and other slops,
quite contrary to what the Physicians prescribed, by the same way they
dispatch’d the maid, and the Prentices, with a little Girle, the only
Child my Master had; and now was none remaining but my Master and I,
whom they intended should have followed after the rest, then they might
have plundered without controul; but I seeing how soon my fellows were
gone, and observing that they all dy’d presently after they had received
any of their slops, would have nothing to do with them, perswading my
Master to do the like, affirming it even before their faces, that they
were the persons that had kill’d my Mistriss and the rest, and would if
let alone, make a hand of us too. But these impudent Jades hearing me
begin to discover their villanies, would have perswaded my Master that I
was also infected, and that it had already taken my brain, which caused
me to talk so idly, and so began to seize upon me, intending to have
ty’d me into a bed, which if they had done I should never have come out
of it alive, but my Master interposing bid them let me alone, for he
himself was of the same mind with me. These bold Queans hearing him say
so, one of them flew at him; you old dotard said she, do you begin to
talke idely too, we must tame you yfaith, & so attempted to pull him
down, whilst the other was as busie with me: my Master and I strugling
with them what we could: but perceiving them to be too hard for us (for
they were two stout Mastiff Queans) we got to the window and cryed as
loud as we could, and thereby gathered a great many people together to
know what was the matter, to whom we related the great danger we were in
of being murdered by the two women that were with us, desiring by all
means, that we might be rid of them, they being the greatest plague we
were infected withal at the present, and whom we dreaded as much as
death it self; Amongst others that came (alarm’d by this outcry) was a
Shoomaker that lived not far off who was near of kin to my Master, and
thought himself no mean fellow, he being at that time Overseer of the
poor, this man kept a great bustle, commanding the door to be broken
open, which being done with as much imperiousness as a Countrey Justice
domineers over a hedge-breaker, he commands the two women to depart out
of the house, which they (being conscious of a self guilt) accordingly
did, to the no little joy of my Master and me, who fear’d we should have
perished under their merciless hands.

Being rid of these two Harpyes, I was more than double diligent towards
my Master, well hopeing that Death with his beesom would sweep him away
also, which I judged the rather could come to pass, because the thred of
his life was spun out to a far greater length than mine, not at all
considering, that the Pestilence makes no difference betwixt age and
youth; or if it doth, sooner seizes upon youth than age, as having more
matter to work upon. But I was so confident that my Master would die,
and that I should live, that I would rather perform all offices towards
him, than to admit of a partner to plunder the House with me when he was
dead. But three dayes being passed, and no alteration at all appearing
in him, I began then to alter my opinion, and feared he would escape and
not have it at all; and therefore I began to cast my wits about, and
consider with my self, what I had best to do; now I knew conceit would
do much with him, and therefore I first begun to tell him, that he
looked very ill all of a sudden, asking if he felt no alteration in his
body? which at first he said, no; but afterwards upon my perswasions
that he must needs be sick, he soon grew conceited that he was so
indeed, in so much, that at last I told him, that he had the perfect
symptoms of a dying man upon him; those words struck him to the very
heart, that without further delay he went to the window, called for a
Porter, and sent him for a Shoomaker I spake of before, to come to him
presently, and bring a Scrivener along with him. I asked him what he
would do with a Scrivener? but when he told me it was to make his will,
I was ready to swound, fearing he would take an inventory of his goods
also, and so hinder my pelfering when he was dead, for I was now fully
minded to theive from him what I could, notwithstanding my resolution
but a little before to leave it off, I feared to be known for stealing
the silver bowl: so hard it is for those that are principled in
wickedness, to leave off that vice they have been accustomed unto;
however I praised him for his care therein, that he would settle his
mind as to outward affairs, they might be no hindrance to his more pious
thoughts, which now should be bent altogether to Heaven-wards.

Scarce had I made an end of praising his good intentions, but that the
Shoomaker and the Scrivener were come, to whom out of the window, he
declared his mind for the disposing of his estate. First, he commended
his Soul unto Heaven, and his Body to Earth, which I wished had been
racked up in it before the Scrivener came. Next (said he) for the good
and faithful service he hath done me, I bequeath to my Boy _Gregory_
(for that is my name) the sum of twenty pounds, whereof ten pound to be
bestowed on him in Schooling,the other ten pound to buy him Cloathes,
and put him out to Apprentice to some Handy-craft Trade. I hearing my
Master to say this, could not but reflect upon my monstrous ingratitude
that I should go to kill him that was so kind to me, and had so much
care for my future livelihood; but covetousness cancels all obligations,
and therefore is well termed the Spring head of all ungodliness. Next
(said he) I bequeath to the poor of the Parish wherein I live, the sum
of five pounds, three pound thereof to be laid out on Cloaths for them,
to make them apparel, and bestowed on such as my Executor shall see most
needful; and the other forty shillings to be laid out in bread for them,
and to be distributed the next four Sundayes after my decease, each
Sunday alike till it be out. The rest of his estate he gave unto the
Shoomaker. whom he made his full and sole Executor, giving him a great
charge to be careful of me, and so having subscribed and sealed it, he
betook him to his bed, as prepared to die; and free leave he had to go
both of me and the Shoomaker also.

To hasten him on the more, I perswaded him to sweat, which he was
willing to do; so I covered him with as many Clothes as he was able to
bear, and being in a violent sweat, he called for some strong waters;
whereupon I went to the Pump and filled him a pint of such sober liquor
as that yielded, and brought it to him; which having tasted, he asked me
what I had brought him? I told him it was excellent good _white
anny-seed_, he said, it tasted like fair water; I told him, that was
only the badness of his Pallet which could not distinguish any thing;
truly (said he) it tasteth so small, that I think you may leave the word
_anny seed_ out, and call it only _white-water_. Yet notwithstanding
this he found such fault, his parching thirst caused him to drink it all
off, which gave such a sudden chill to his blood, that what with that
and some other slops that I gave him, in three days time he turned up
his heels and dyed.

No sooner was his breath out of his body, but I began to put in
execution what before I had intended; and first I examined his pockets,
wherein I found the sum of fourteen shillings and nine pence; eleven
shillings whereof I took, leaving some, that I might not be suspected to
have taken any, but this was nothing to what I thought to find in his
Trunck, which I opened with an expectation to have mine eyes blest with
the sight of store of white and yellow pieces, but the clouds dropped no
such rain, the Trunk courted not me as _Jupiter_ did _Diana_ with a
golden showre; some plate was in it, some Bonds and other writings, but
no money. This was a shrew’d cooling card to my high hopes, which
promised me Mountains, and performed not mole-hills; for as for the
plate the Executor knew of each piece in the house, and Bills and Bonds
signified no more to me, than meat to an hungry man which he might see
but not come at; wherefore seeing it would be no better, I armed my self
with patience, considering I had not lost by his death, he having given
me twenty pound for the bringing me up to some learning and putting me
out Apprentice, by which I hoped to be sufficiently able to live in the
World; and therefore having secured the eleven shillings in the Coller
of my doublet (mistrusting my pockets might be searched) I called for a
messenger, and sent the Executor word of his death, not bidding him to
have a care of frighting him in the delivery of his message, for I did
not think the sudden news of his death would make him to break his heart
with sorrow, there was less fear in that, than of a Usurer undoing a
young Heir, when he once gets him into bonds. He having received the
news, made no long tarriance before he came to me, bringing a couple of
old women along with him to search the dead corps, that an account might
be given what he dyed of, which is a thing that (you know) is usual. But
before I proceed any further (having occasion here to speak of these
searchers) give me leave to mention some abuses and cheats which I have
observed to be practised by them.

They are indeed very necessary, especially in great Cities, that an
account may be given of what diseases people die of, and that men may
not have their lives shortned by violence, which appearing after their
deaths, may be by them discovered; but these women have their _Cheats_
too, for notwithstanding they are sworn to give a true information to
the Parish Clarks, yet money can so blind their eyes, that if a man be
poysoned, they can bring it in that he died of the _French-Pox_; and
though a house be visited with the sickness, yet if the Master thereof
be unwilling to be shut up for loosing his trading, if he do but greaze
them in the fist with some money, they will make the Pestilence to be
surfeit, and the spotted feaver (which is little inferiour to the
Plague) the Swine-pox, and sometimes the Meazles; nay once I know two of
these Searchers that for money brought it in that the party who had the
spotted feaver, dyed of nothing else but the tooth-ach: Thus you see
that it is an undeniable maxime, that there is _Knavery in all trades_,
people being now grown so villanous in their practises, that they make
the very dead to be accessary to their Cheats.

But to return to my story: The Shoomaker standing in the street, whilest
the women came in, called to me, and bid me, if any of the Truncks were
open, to lock them up, and throw the keys down to him; which I
accordingly did, the fear of loosing his Mammon making him to dispence
with any danger that might accrew to him by taking the keys. That night
was my old Master buried, and a fortnight after (the Bedding and
Cloathes being aired in the mean time, and I continuing sound) I was
removed to his house, where I took special notice of his great care in
performing my Masters will, and first for the three pounds that was
given to buy the poor Cloathes, he bestowed the same on two suits for
his own Boys, proving it to be the will of the dead it should be so; for
(said he) they are poor who are in want, and his sons wanting Clothes,
therefore they were to be reckoned in the number of the poor, and policy
bids us this, always to provide for our own poor first. Then for the
bread he ordered with the Baker so, that for every ten dozen, he would
have a twelve penny loaf and yet were they made fifteen to the dozen,
which over-plus above twelve he also took to himself, so that the penny
loaves shrunk to the bigness of half penny ones, and only for the name
there was no difference. I seeing how he had dealt by the poor, thought
with my self that my Legacy would shrink also like Northern Cloath in
the wetting, and my twenty pound, come to twenty shillings; but whilst I
had cause for my self, I would not complain of his dealing by others,
and therefore expected the event with patience.

Soon after I was set to School with a fellow that went in black
Cloathes, and therefore taken for a man of learning because so habited;
this man and his Schollars were both of one mind, for he cared not how
little he taught them for their money, and they cared not how little
they learned for it; but I who had no friends to rely on for bestowing
any thing upon me afterwards, resolved not to neglect opportunity, but
to gain what learning I could, thinking it might stand me in great stead
another day, and therefore I so plyed my book, that in a short time I
could read English very perfectly, and had some skill in writing and
casting accounts.

During this time that I went to School, I plyed not my book so
altogether, but that I observed some practices of the Shoomaker, both in
his trade and in his office; and first for his trade, I saw he used two
sorts of leather, one whereof was called mens leather, which was strong,
fast, and would last well; the other he called womans leather, which was
not half tanned, and would scarce last ten miles going; this last sort
of leather (because it was cheap) he used most, especially in womens
shooes, and the inner soals of mens: and sometimes I observed that if
the inner soals were too little, he would slit them in the middle to
make them appear on both sides, and at other times with his teeth he
would stretch his leather, as for gain he would stretch his Conscience.
Then for his office, for the bread that was given to the poor at the
Church on Sundayes, he had a weekly fee from the Baker for his custom;
and for other gifts that were to be distributed (as there was some
Quarterly) that poor man that received them, must either do a dayes work
gratis for him, or else present him with some gift worth half of what he
was to receive, or else he was sure to go without it; so that in respect
of his office, these verses of _Withers_ were very applicable unto him,

           _The poor’s neglector, O I pardon crave,
           Collector I should say, may play the knave,
           The fool I would have said, but chuse you whether
           He may be both, and so he may be neither._

But before I had been at School long, my Guardian told me, the ten pound
was out for my board (for I paid a Roast-meat price for my diet,
although I fed most commonly on bread and cheese) and therefore I must
prepare to go to Prentice; I thought it was in vain to contend with him,
and therefore bid him provide me a Master as soon as he would, for I was
willing I told him to go. He quickly heard of one (for bad Masters are
as easie to be found as bad servants) one that was a true
_Bacchanalian_, a Son of _Vulcan_, by profession a Lock-smith, what the
Executor was to give with me I know not, but thither I went some few
dayes upon liking; and indeed it was but a few dayes I was there in all,
for there was found _Knavery in that Trade_ as well as others. My new
Master had belike driven an old trade with pick-pockets, house-breakers,
and such kinde of people whom he furnished with store of pick-locks, and
instruments to break open Shop-doors and windows; he also drave a great
trade with thievish Prentices, for false keys for their Masters
counting-houses and Truncks, they bringing him the print of them either
in Wax or Clay, with some of which he was sharers in their purchase. He
had also his Emissaries abroad, which would steal Iron bars from
Cellar-windows, and sometimes fetch a short jaunt into the Countrey, and
steal the Coulters and Shares from the Ploughs, as also hooks and hinges
from Gates, which he bought for a small price, and used to work them out
in the night for fear of discovery, yet all would not do, wicked actions
have bad endings; one of these Prentices who had made use of him, and
thereby much wronged his Master, spending that money riotously which he
had got naughtily, his excess brought him to a surfeit that occasioned
his end, when upon his death-bed, reflecting on his former vitious
practises, he detected my Master, who was thereupon apprehended and
carried before a Justice of the Peace, that sent him to _Newgate_; how
he sped I know not, but if he had his deserts, I am sure he could not
scape hanging.



                               CHAP. XII.

_He is bound Prentice to a Taylor, the Knavery of that trade, his Master
  of a stitch, he is turn’d over to a Baker, who misusing him he runeth

My next Master forsooth was a Taylor, a dapper fellow, to whom the
Shoomaker (because he would be sure to be rid of me) bound me Prentice
the first day I went to him, after I had been there a little while,
whether it be the nature of the trade, or what it was I know not, but
all my mind ran upon penny-loaves and pudding-pies; & whereas before I
was more given to drink than to eat, now my whole appetite was for
feeding. If I went by a Bakers shop, oh how would I cast mine eyes upon
the penny loaves, wishing my belly a Cupboard to contain such precious
jewels; neither could it sink into my faith, that there was any trade in
the world comparable to a Bakers, but that which made me the more
hungry, I conceive was that we were much pinched in our diet; for my
Master made us observe more fasting days, then were set down in the
Kallender, and then with a counterfeit zeal he would preach a long
Lecture of sobriety unto his Prentices, not that he had any Religion in
him (for at another mans table he would gurmandize like an Epicure) but
to save victuals; and when we fell short at meals (as we oftentimes did)
he would put us off with an old Proverb, that _many a sack is tied up
before it be full_, for his other qualifications and endowments, take a
brief view in this short but true character of him.

He was such another as Sir _Thomas Overbury_ speaks of, a creature made
up of shreds that were pared off from _Adam_ when he was rough cast. His
chiefest care was, how to cloath other mens backs, and feed his own
belly; how to make them fine, and himself fat, against Christmas,
Easter, or Whitsuntide; he was a man of some repute, but most time else
like a thick Cloak in Summer, hang’d behind the door. His offensive and
defensive weapons, were only a needle and a thimble; with the first he
murdered many _Egyptian_ vermine, and the last he made a Gauntlet for
the top of his middle finger, which at other times jingling in his
pocket with his bodkin, made the Ale-wife to think he had mony in his
pocket, which caused oft-times a flagon to be scored up behind the door.
His chief upholder was the sin of pride, a new fashion being to him like
the Term to a Lawyer; to gain which he used to frequent those Churches
and places where Gallants most resorted, when on a sudden the Mechanicks
wifes and kitchen maids gowns came trowling in to be new altered, for
_out of the fashion, out of the world_. He differ’d altogether from God,
for with him the best pieces were still marked out for damnation, and
without hope of recovery cast down into Hell, for though he had many
bottoms, yet his conscience was bottomless. Of all weapons he most
affected the long Bill, and he who paid him but one half, he would be
sure to be no looser by him.

An ancient Gentleman one day brought a suit of Cloaths to our Shop to be
made, who that he might have them the warmer, had bought two yards of
Bayes to cotton his breeches in the inner-side; my Master thought that
was too good for such an use, and therefore took it to himself, and
supplyed the place with old painting Cloath. It happened afterwards the
Gentleman wearing those Cloaths, going to _Islington_, as he went over a
stile, a snag or cleft of the same took hold of his Breeches and rent a
great slash or gap in them, that quite discover’d my Masters theft; for
right against the hole, was the picture of a Devil with a muck-fork in
his hand, which made the gentleman to admire how the Devil he should
come there; searching further he found more of his fellows, and all of
them with muck-forks in their hands, tormenting of _Dives_ in the
flames; this put him in a great rage, to consider how that by the
knavery of the Taylor, he should carry _Hell-fire_ in his Breech;
ripping the other Slop, there was the _Prodigal_ on Horse-back, his
journy into a far Country, Hawks and his Whores, his feeding husks with
Swine, with his returning to his Father, and the killing the fatted
Calf, wherefore in great rage he came to my Master, calling him knave,
thief, and a great many other names, such as came first to his tongues
end; my Master desired him to be quiet, told him it was stole off his
Shop-board, but for his part, he wish’d if he had it that he might find
it in the _Hell_, meaning the _Hell_ under his Shop-board, which was the
receptacle for all stoln goods.

Now those pieces which were condemned to this _Hell_, were termed
Cabadge, and we never made any Cloaths either for men or women, in which
he snipt not some pieces from them; sometimes out of a Suit and Cloak,
enough to make a Boy a payer of breeches, or a doublet, and sometimes
enough for breeches and doublet too. Then we drave a trade with the
Sadlers, for peices of Cloaths to make seats for Sadles. The Cabadge of
course Cloath was to make dust-cloaths for the legs of Country
Plough-men, wollen caps, and mittens for old women; all was fish that
came to net. When a Gentleman bought a suit and cloak of good cloath, if
my Master could but perswade four or five more to buy of the same, out
of them all he would steal a suit and cloak for himself. Then for womens
cloaths, the cabadge of cloath of silver, brancht Sattin, and the like,
went for pin-cushions, pin-pillows, womens purses; and if black,
Church-wardens caps. Cabadge of Tabbee, coloured Taffaty and Sarcenet,
for facings of the hands of doublets, _&c_, when we set on gold and
silver lace, we should stretch it so, that in four or five yards we
would get a quarter of a yard, which with old silver buttons and such
like stuff, went for ends of gold and silver; and sometimes in rich
laces we would rub them so on our knees, that in eight or nine ounces,
half an ounce would come off, which went also to the encrease of ends of
gold and silver.

Now being the Under-Prentice, my chief employment was to run on errands,
so that having thereby an opportunity, I often visited the _Dagger_ in
_Foster-lane_ for pudding-pies, my mouth always either peny loaf or
pudding-pie fashion. Amongst other places that I went to, one of the
chief was a Mercers in _Pater-Noster-row_, from whence my Master
received a small snip for every Gown he helpt him to custom withall. Now
their way of dealing was thus; my master bought the stuff, then the
Mercer was to justifie that it cost him so much a yard, perhaps eight or
ten shillings more in the Gown than it did, for which my Master when he
brought customers to him, was to perswade them to the stuff, avouching
there was not such another penny-worth in the Town, and that he was
confident that he saved little or nothing by it; but only for to gain
their custome; by which you see he who carries a Taylor with him to help
him buy Cloaths, carries a Thief in stead of a Friend, for the Mercer
and Taylor was both agreed, and what the first says, the other will
swear to. Now to hear them muster up the names of their stuffs, would
make you swear they were raysing so many Devils, there’s your
_Parragon_, _Burragon_, _Phillipine_, _Cheny_, _Grogrum_, _Mow-hair_,
_Damasilly_, _Novato_, _Pinckanilly_, _Pinckadino_, _Prunella_,
_Itiliano_, _Castiliano_, _Perpetuana_, _Sempiternum_, _Tamme_,
_Tammet_, _Tammeletto_, and a thousand more besides, such as _Adam_
never gave names to, being more for pride than for warmth, and rather to
cloath sin, than to cover nakedness.

But ere I could attain to any perfection in the Trade, my Master dyed of
that which he lived by, _the Stich_, being taken with it as he was
contriving a new fashion for a womans placket, that it should be neither
before, nor behind, nor on either side, but before he could finish his
project he was taken with this _Stich_, so that that invention was
utterly lost thereby: now because he dyed of such a disease, I muster’d
up all my wit and invention together, and made for him this Epitaph.

              _A Taylor in this Grave doth lie,
              Who by the_ Stich _did live and die;
              Longer his lifes_ thread _might have been,
              But death with’s_ sheares _came him between,
              Wound up his_ bottom, _bound his feet,
              And_ sow’d _him up in’s winding-sheet._

My Mistress not continuing the Trade, I was turned over to a Baker, at
which I rejoyced exceedingly, being heartily desirous to be dealing with
Belly-timber, remembring how I was full fed when as I lived before with
the Cook. Here I found the Maxim to be still true, that there is
_knavery in all Trades_, for as my last Master theived from peoples
backs, so this robbed their bellies; and was in one sort worse than a
Taylor, for Taylors commonly filch their Cabadge only from the rich, who
can the better spare it; but a Baker by making his bread lesser than it
should be, stealeth it out of the poor peoples bellies, for doing which
he deserveth the same fate to attend on him as did on _Pharaohs_ Baker,
viz. hanging; or at leastwise to look through an oaken planck, and shew
the people a knaves head.

He would be sure to be in fee with the Clark of the Market, and
pretended great love to him, though he hated him as his Executioner. By
this meanes he had always timely notice of my _Lord Mayors_ going about,
when he would be sure to have his bread full weight stand at his window;
and if at any time he chanc’d to be catcht, oh how he would repine at
his forc’d charity, to see his bread given away to the poor, hating
Justice it self for the _weigh-scales sake_, though it did the Beggars
as much good as their dinner, to see his basket sent to the prison.

When we had any stale mouldy bread, such as we could not sell our
selves, or was returned us again by our customers, we used to soak it in
water, and so mould it up again in our dough, which in Summer time at
four days end would roap so, that if you pul’d it in pieces it would
appear as if it were all Cobwebs, which made us always to sell such
bread new. Now what other _Knaveries_ he used in his trade, I was not
there long enough to know them: for because I used to forget to rise
betimes in a morning, my Master would remember me with a good ashen wand
which he always kept in store by him, wherewith he would beat me as your
Sea-men do Stock-fish, in so much that my flesh had on it all the
colours in the Rain-bow, _viz._ black, blew, green, red, yellow, white,
_&c._ above all things in the world I liked not beating, wherefore I
resolved to march off, yet before I went I purposed to be in part
revenged on him for those many blows he had given me. Now so it was that
he lay above stairs, and I below, and when he came down, if he found me
not up and about my business, he would so rib-roast me, that I could
have felt no cold although it had been frosty weather. Against that
morning I intended to be gone, I had parched some pease in the oven,
that they were almost as hard as leaden bullets; them did I strow here
and there upon the stairs against my Masters coming down, and so having
put up my things, and made my self ready, I staid expecting what the
event would be, anon my Master called me at the stairs head, I heard him
very well, but made him no answer, wherefore he supposing I was asleep,
was coming down to give me the bastinado, when treading on the pease his
heels flew up, and down he came tumbling from the top to the bottom,
swearing all the way he was falling, that this damn’d Rogue (meaning me)
intended for to break his neck; I hearing him to thunder so loud,
thought it would lighten upon my Jacket presently, and therefore to
prevent it, I opened the door and shewed him a fair payr of heels,
leaving him sore bruised with his fall, and more vexed that he could not
come at me, to revenge himself of me for the same.



                              CHAP. XIII.

_He serveth a Plaisterer, sheweth some cheats in that Trade, he is even
  with the Maid of the House for her sloath, and punishing him; giveth
  his Master a fall from the Scaffold, and runneth away from him into
  the Country._

I was now grown a good sturdy Lad, and it being then the spring of the
year, I was entertained into a Plaisterers service, I imagined with my
self that there could be no knavery in this trade, but after I had bin
there a while, I found there was a great deal of difference in our
labour when we work't by the day, and when we wrought by the great; in
the one I could not be too quick for my Master, in the other he cared
not how slow; dispatching that in six days in the one, which we would
hardly do in ten days in the other; in the one we minded only our work,
in the other we used to lengthen out the time with discourses of
wenches, foot-ball playing and such like; for so we brought the day to
an end, we cared not so much for our work going forward, seeing our
wages ran parallel with the day, and when that was done, we counted our
money due, whether we earned it or no. In this service I lived like a
Prince to my hearts content, for my Master would not only wink at any
Rogueries that I committed, but also countenance me in the doing of
them. When we wrought upon scaffolds in the street it was a great
pleasure to me to throw the morter upon the heads of young wenches as
they passed by; and at other times with our whiting to bespatter
Gentlemens Cloaks as they walked under us, that they looked as if the
Crow had shit upon them. My Master kept a maid who was none of those
huswifes that use to disturb other peoples sleeps by their early rising;
she would endure three calls in a morning, and when she began to stirre,
she would groan sadly, stretching out her arms and legs, and giving a
two or three ha’s to get upon her breech, where she would sit in her bed
half an hour lacing of her boddice, and throwing of her coats over her
head, so that we were forced to put up the victuals we carried with us
our selves. My Master asked me if I could not invent a way to punish her
sloath? I told him I would do my best endeavor; so that day I got some
Horse-hair and shred it fit for my purpose, telling my Master what I
would do with it; at night when he came home, he sent the maid for two
pots of Ale, when she was gone for it, I took my shred hair, and strowed
the same in her bed betwixt the sheets, which plagued her worse then if
she had had half a peck of six footed vermine to her bedfellows; a good
while she endured it, being exceeding loath to be at the pains of
putting on her Cloaths, for she always accounted the trouble of dressing
and undressing her self to be a great plague inflicted on mortals to
disturb them of their ease, accounting the Birds in a far happier
condition than men, who go to bed and rise with their doublet and
breeches on, and was resolved if she changed her Religion to have turned
_Adamite_, that she might have saved that labour of dressing her self;
but the hair tormented her so abominably, that _nolens volens_ she was
forced to rise, and sit up until the morning, when looking in the sheets
she found the cause of her disquietness; the cunning Jade made no speech
of it at all, but was as pleasant that morning as if she had ailed
nothing all night; which made me to mistrust my art, and think I had not
done my business right. All that day she was busied with her thoughts in
contriving mischief against me, the result whereof was, that she took
the sheets from off her bed and laid them on mine, whereby she paid me
home in my own coyn, and whereof I could not justly complain, seeing
what was sause for a Goose was sauce for a Gander. I had work’d very
hard that day, and would willingly have taken some rest at night, but it
was in vain to think of it, I might almost have lain as well upon pins
and needles as on what I did, I then thought upon the story which is
usually told Boys when they first come to be Prentices concerning their
enroling, that they must be rol’d in a Barrel drove full of nails, with
the points sticking up, and thought this punishment to be little
inferior to that; flesh and blood could not endure it, wherefore I got
up and uncased my bed of the sheets, creeping in betwixt the blanckets
where I lay all night. In the morning the maid asked me how I slept that
night? I told her very well, for my skin was armor of proof against the
biting of fleas, or any other disturbance whatsoever, but though I
carried fair weather in my countenance, my heart boyled in revenge
against her, wherefore that day I went and bought two penny-worth of
Cow-itch, which is a drug of that nature, that where it touches the
flesh, it will make them so scrub seventeen times worse than if they
were plagued with the itch, with this I anointed her sheets in the same
manner as I strowed them with horse-hair before; but if the hair netled,
this fleyed, she had needed to have had _Briarius_ hundred hands to have
scratcht her self at once, for when she came to be a little hot in her
bed, she fared like a mad woman; the more she scratcht the more it
itcht, so that by what she seek't to allay her paine, she encreas’d it:
the going out of her bed would not cure her now, she carried her
distemper along with her, so that knowing not how to ease her self, she
bellowed like a Bull, and made such a quarter, that the whole house was
disturbed with her bellowing. All night she continued thus; in the
morning I began to play upon her, told her that the scratching of her
arse signified we should have butter cheap, and that how ever things
went she would be sure to _Rub_ through with them, but had I not took my
heels, she had so rubbed my ears for it, as would have turned my mirth
into mourning. That day was very fatal to me, and my running from the
maid in the morning, prognosticated I should run from my Master before
night. It so happened that we had some work to do that day at a tavern
in _Thames-street_, the back-side whereof adjoyned to the _Thames_,
which the Vintner would have beautified next to the water-side; now for
to make him a scaffold to work on, he put the ends of two long sticks
out at the window, laying a board over them for him to stand on the
out-side; and on the in-side fastned the end of the one with a cord, but
wanting a cord for the other, he bid me to sit on it, thereby to keep it
from kicking up, thus was all things ordered, my Master gotten up upon
his scaffold, which was just over the water, and I sitting on the end of
the stick; he fell a singing as he was accustomed to do at his work, and
I fell a nodding, being lulled a sleep with his singing; in my sleep I
dreamt that my old Master the Cook was alive again, that I lived with
him, and that our House was full of Guests; by and by some Gentlemen
knocked in the next room, I hearing them, imagined that I was called,
and thereupon cryed out, _Anon, Anon, I come I come Sir_, and thereupon
fell a running, when presently up flew the stick, and down fell my
Master, crying all the way he fell _help, help, I shall be drown’d_, the
noise he made waked me out of my sleep, when looking forth of the
window, I saw my Master floating like a shitle-cock upon the water. I
seeing what had happened, thought more upon saving my self than him,
imagining if he were drowned, that I should be hanged, and therefore
that I might not die the death of a dog, to prevent it, I run away,
leaving my Master to shift for himself, whom though yet I loved well,
and would not have parted from him but for this accident.

I made great haste in going, and yet knew not whither to go; East, West,
North, or South, all was indifferent to me, for it is impossible he can
be out of his way to whom all ways are alike. _London_ though large and
populous I judged no Coverture for me, I wanting those two great helps
of concealment, mony and friends. The Country therefore I pitcht upon,
invited thereto the more, it being then the merry month of _May_, the
pleasantest time of all the year, the earth having then put on her
richest apparel, the meddow cloathed in green, the fields beautified
with flowers, and the woods adorned with Violets, Cowslips, and
Primroses; the winged Choristers of the Forrest, warbled forth their
ditties very harmoniously, the Lambs friskt and leapt, dancing lavalto’s
on the flowry pastures, and the murmuring stream made a noyse like to a
Chime of Bells, running through their winding _Meanders_. As I walked
thus in the Countrey, encircled with pleasures, and every where having
my eyes satiated with variety of pleasing objects, I thought my self to
be in _Paradise_, and imagined no pleasure in the world comparable to
that of a Country life; Happy, yea thrice happy (thought I) is he who
not playing with his wings in the golden flames of the Court, nor
setting his foot in the busie throngs of the City, nor running up and
down in the intricate mazes of the Law, can be content in the winter to
sit by a Country fire, and in the Summer to lay his head on the green
pillows of the earth. The Country Cottage is neither batter’d down by
the Canon in time of War, nor pester’d with clamorous Suits in time of
peace. The fall of _Cedars_ that tumble from the tops of Kingdoms, the
ruine of _great Houses_, that bury Families in their overthrow, and the
ways of _shipwracks_, that beget even shreiks in the heart of Cities,
never send their terrors thither: that place stands as safe from the
shock of such violent storms, as the _Bay-tree_ does from lightening;
their sleeps are secure from such dangers, and their wakings as pleasant
as golden dreams. In the homely village art thou more safe, than in a
fortified Castle; the stings of _Envy_, nor the bullets of _Treason_ are
never shot through those thin walls: sound healths are drunk out of the
wholesome wooden dish, when the Cup of Gold boyles over with Poyson.
Hast thou a desire to rule? get up to the mountains, and thou shalt see
the greatest trees stand trembling before thee, to do thee _Reverence_,
those mayest thou call thy _Nobles_. Thou shalt have rancks of oak on
each side of thee, which thou maist call thy Guard, thou shalt see
_Willows_ bending at every blast; whom thou maist call thy flatterers:
thou shalt see valleys humbled at thy feet; whom thou maist term thy
slaves. Wouldest thou behold battels? step into the fields, there shalt
thou see excellent combats between the standing Corn and the windes. Art
thou a tyrant? and delightest in the fall of _great ones_? muster then
thy Harvesters together, and down with those proud Summer Lords when
they are at highest. Wouldest thou have _Subsidies_ paid thee? the
_Plough_ sends thee in Corn, the _Meadow_ gives thee her pasture, the
Trees pay thee custome with their fruit, the _Ox_ bestows upon thee his
labor, the _Sheep_ his wooll, the _Cow_ her milk, the _Fowles_ their
Feathers, &c. Doest thou call for _Musick_? no Prince in the world keeps
more skilful musitians, the Birds are thy Consort, and the winde
instruments they play upon yield ten thousand tunes.

Thus went I on contemplating the Summers pride and the Earths bravery,
and from them both concluded the great felicity of a Country life, as if
the one would never fade, and the other always endure; resolving in my
thoughts never to see _London_ again, being ravished with the delights
of the verdant fields, and enamour’d on the beauties of the Spring,
accounting none truly happy, but he who enjoyed the felicities of a
Country life; Is he addicted to study, Heaven is the Library; the Sun,
Moon and Stars his books to teach him _Astronomy_, that great volume his
_Ephemerides_ out of which he may Calculate predictions of times to
follow; yea in the very clouds are written lessons of _Divinity_ for him
to instruct him in wisdome, the turning over their leaves, teach him the
variation of seasons, & how to dispose his business for all weathers,
who therefore would not consume his youth in such delightfull studies,
that have power in them to keep off old age longer than it would? or
when old age doth come, is able to give it the livelyhood and vigour of
youth? who would not rather sit at the foot of a hill, tending a flock
of sheep, than at the helm of Authority, controuling the stubborn and
unruly multitude? Better it is in the solitary woods and in the wilde
fields, to be a man among _Beasts_, than in the midst of a peopled City,
to be a _Beast_ amongst men.

As I was thus stricken into admiration of these _beauties_, and wholy
taken up in contemplations of the felicities of an retired life, being
already in my thoughts an absolute Country-man, I being now some miles
distant from the _Metropolitan_ City of our fruitful _Albion_, on a
sudden the welkin began to rore, and send forth terrible peales of
thunder, the serene sky was over-shadowed, and _Ph[oe]bus_ hid his head
behind a cloud, the Heavens began first to weep small tears, afterwards
to pour them in full Rivolets upon the thirsty earth, I had then no
Pent-house to walk under to keep me from the rain, nor was there a red
lattice at every nook and corner (as at _London_) to give me
entertainment; the spreading boughs of the sturdy oak were too feeble to
defend me from being wet; I looked like a drench't Mouse, having never a
dry thread on me; what to do I knew not, money I had but little, friends
none, a stranger both to the place and people, unexperienced in the
world, as in the way where I travelled; the consideration of those
things made me add more moysture to the earth by the salt tears that
trickled from my eyes; to stand still I thought was in vain, so forwards
I went wet without, and dry within, (sorrow they say causeth drowth) at
length I spyed by a corner of a wood a little thatcht Cottage, thither I
went, and found by an old rotten stick that darted out of it, in
imitation of a Sign-post, that it was an Ale-house; this something
revived my drooping spirits, so in I went, to dry my out-side and wet my
in-side, where I found a good fire, and store of company of both sexes
merrily trouling the bowl about, singing of Catches, and smoaking
Tobacco; no sooner was I entered, but one of them drank to me a full
cup, so down I sat amongst them, being all alike free Citizens of the
wide world, the strong Ale soon washed away all sorrow from my heart,
and now that I had a warm fire to sit by, and a house over my head, I
bid a fig for all foul weather.



                               CHAP. XIV.

_He lighteth on a company of_ Canting Beggars, _and is stalled one of
  their society, is married to a_ Doxy, _with the manner of their

This company that I thus happened into was a _Crew_ of _Canting
Beggars_, Pilgrims of the vast earth, the offspring of _Cain_, vagabonds
and wanderers over the whole world, fit Companions for such who make a
trade for Idleness and Roguery, and these were at this time fit
companions for me, who seeing the merry life they led, resolved to make
one of their company, whereupon (after I had a little more ingratiated
my self amongst them, and taken two or three cups more of _Rum-booz_) I
imparted my inventions to one of the chief of them, telling him that I
was a Prentice who had a curst Master, whose cruelties had caused me to
run away from him, and that what ever fortune might betide me, yet
should not the most necessitous condition I could be plunged into, ever
make me to return to him again, and therefore if I might be admitted
into their society, I should faithfully observe and perform what rules
and orders were imposed upon me.

He very much applauded me for my resolutions, telling me that to be a
_Beggar_ was to be a _brave man_ since it was now in fashion for brave
men to beg. Do not we (said he) come all into the world like arrant
_Beggars_, without a rag upon us; and do not we all go out of the world
like _Beggars_, without any thing saving only an old sheet to cover us?
shall we then be ashamed to walk up and down in the world like
_Beggars_, with old Blankets pinn’d about us? no, no, that were a shame
to us indeed; have we not the whole kingdom to walk at our pleasure? are
we afraid of the approach of Quarter-day? do we walk in fear of
Bailiffs, Serjeants and Catch-poles? whoever knew an arrant _Beggar_
arrested for debt? is not our meat drest in every mans Kitchen? does not
every mans cellar afford us beer? and the best mens purses keep a penny
for us to spend?

Having by these words (as he thought) fully fixed me in love with
begging, he then acquainted the Company with my desires, who were all of
them very joyful thereof, being as glad to add one to their society, as
a _Turk_ is to gain a Proselite to _Mahomet_. The first question that
they asked me was, if I had any _Loure_ in my _Bung_? I stared on them
not knowing what they meant, till at last one told me it was mony in my
purse; I told them I had but eighteen pence, which I freely gave them;
this by a general vote was condemned to be spent in _Bouse_ for my
initiation. Then they commanded me to kneel down, which being done, one
of the chief of them took a Gage of _Bowse_, which is a quart of drink,
and poured the same on my head, saying, I do by vertue of this Soveraign
liquor, _stall thee to the Rogue_, and make thee a free Denizen of our
ragged Regiment; so that henceforth it shall be lawful for thee to
_Cant_ and to carry a _Doxy_ or _Mort_ along with thee, only observing
these rules. First that thou art not to wander up and down all
Countries, but to keep only to that Quarter which is allotted to thee!
and secondly, thou art to give way to any of us that have born all the
Offices of the _Wallet_ before thee, and upon holding up a finger to
avoid any Town or Country village where thou seest we are forraging to
victual our army that march along with us. Observing these two rules, we
take thee into our protection, and adopt thee a Brother of our numerous

He having ended his oration, I rose up, and was congratulated by all the
Company, hanging about me like so many dogs about a Beare, and leaping
and shouting like so many mad men, making such a confused noyse with
their gabling, that the melody of a dozen oyster-wives at
_Billingsgate_, the scolding at ten Conduits, and the Gossipings of
fifteen Bake-houses were not comparable unto it. At length he that
_stalled me_ cryed out for silence, bidding the French and English Pox
to light on their throats for making such a yelping; then fixing his
eyes upon me, he read a Lecture to me out of the Devils Hornbook as

Now (saith he) that thou art enter’d into our fraternity, thou must not
scruple to act any villanies which thou shall be able to perform;
whether it be to _nip_ a _bung_, _bite_ the _Peter_, _Cloy_ the
_Lurries_, _Crash_ either a _Bleating cheat_, _Cackling cheat_,
_grunting cheat_, _quacking cheat_, _Tib oth buttery_, _Margery prater_,
or to _Cloy a Mish_ from the _Crackmans_: that is, to _cut_ a _purse_,
_steal a Cloak-bag_ or _portmantle_, _convey_ away all manner of
_Cloaths_, either a _Sheep_, _Chicken_, _sucking Pig_, _Duck_, _Goose_,
_Hen_, or _steal_ a _shirt_ from the hedg; for he that will be a _Quier
Cove_, a profest Rogue, must observe this rule, set down by an ancient
_Patrico_ in these words.

                      _Wilt thou a begging go,
                        O perse o, o perse o,
                      Then must thou God forsake
                      And to the Devil thee betake
                        O perse o, &c._

And because thou art as yet but a Novice in begging, and understandest
not the mysteries of the _Canting_ language, to principle thee the
better, thou shalt have a _Doxy_ to be thy Companion, by whom thou maist
receive fit instructions for thy purpose. And thereupon he singled me
out a young Girl of about fourteen years of age, which tickled my fancy
very much that I had gotten a young wanton to dally withal; but this was
not all, I must presently be married unto her after their fashion by
their _Patrico_, (who amongst _Beggars_ is their Priest) which was done
after this manner.

They got a Hen, and having cut off the head of it, laid the dead body
upon the ground, placing me on the one side of it, and my _Doxy_ on the
other; this being done, the _Patrico_ standing by, with a loud voice
_bid us live together till death did us part_; then one of the Company
went into the yard and fetcht a dry Cow-turd, which was broken over my
_Dox’s_ head in imitation of a Bride-cake; and so shaking hands, and
kissing each other, the Ceremony of the wedding was over, and for joy of
the marriage we fell to drinking afresh, till we were all _as drunk as
Beggars_; but then to hear the gabling noyse we made, would have made
you to have blest your self, to hear such a _Babel_ of confusion amongst
us, some were jabbering in the _Canting Language_, others in their own,
some did nothing but weep and protest love to their _Morts_, others
swore swords and daggers to cut the throats of their _Doxy’s_ if they
found them tripping; one would drink a health to the Bride till he
slavered again, some were for singing Bawdy songs, others were divising
Curses for Justices of Peace, Head-boroughs, and Constables; at last
night approaching, and all their mony being spent, we betook us to a
Barn not far off, where we _coucht a Hogshead in the darkmans_, and went
to sleep.



                               CHAP. XV.

_The Orders and Degrees of the Canting Beggars, Men and Women, with
  their several qualities and manner of life._

Though my lodging was homely, my bedfellow pleased, yet though she were
so young, I could not boast of the purchase of her Maidenhead, that
being a dainty bestowed always on the _Upright-men_ (the chief of the
Rogues) who must have the first taste of such morsels, and then are they
free for any of the Brother-hood. The whole night was spent in prigging,
wapping; and telling of drunken stories; in the morning as soon as
_Ph[oe]bus_ began to dart some of his beams through the Crannies of the
walls, the _Patrico_ began to set up his _larum_, and to waken the rest
with this song.

              _This is_ Bien Bowse, _this is_ Bien Bowse,
                _Too little is my skew._
              _I_ Bowse _no_ Lage, _but a whole_ Gage
                _Of this ile_ Bowse _to you._

              _This_ Bowse _is better than_ Rom-Bowse,
                _It sets the_ Gan _a gigling;_

              _The_ Autem Mort _finds better sport_
              _In_ Bowsing _than in_ nigling.

              _Tis better than_ Peckidge, Plannam,
              _Than_ Yarum, Loure, _or_ Lage;
              _Then lift the same up to thy_ Nab,
              _And_ Bowse _off a whole_ Gage.

Being thus rowsed, and having shaken our eares a little, the _Upright
man_ (who was the Bel-weather of the flock) appointed out the station
wherein every one should go, prefixing a day wherein we were all to meet
again. My _Doxy_ and I had a particular walk assigned unto us, wherein
we were to travel, and not to intrench upon any of the others limits;
whilst I thus rambled about with her, I learned of her the several
qualities and offices of the Brother-hood, and how they were
distinguished from each other according to their degrees of
_superiority_ and _inferiority_: the men were divided into these twenty
several sorts.

   1 _Upright men._
   2 _Rufflers._
   3 _Anglers._
   4 _Rogues._
   5 _Wilde Rogues._
   6 _Priggers of Prancers._
   7 _Palliards, or Clapperdugeons._
   8 _Fraters._
   9 _Quire Birds._
   10 _Abraham-men._
   11 _Whip-jacks._
   12 _Counterfeit Crancks._
   13 _Dummerars._
   14 _Jack-men._
   15 _Patrico’s._
   16 _Irish Toyles._
   17 _Swigmen._
   18 _Glymmerars._
   19 _Curtalls._
   20 _Kinchen Co’s._

Of the Women kinde were only these six.

   1 _Kitchen Morts._
   2 _Dells._
   3 _Doxies._
   4 _Walking Morts._
   5 _Autem Morts._
   6 _Bawdy Baskets._

And now what these several sorts of people are, you shall hear by their

1. An _Upright-man_ is the chief of all the Ragged Regiment, he walks
like a Commander with a short Truncheon in his hand which he calls his
_Filch-man_; pretends himself to be a decayed Souldier, and claimes a
share in all the Booties which any other inferior _Rogues_ do get; he
hath all the _Morts_ and _Doxies_ at his beck, and can command them from
any other of the _Gang_ at his pleasure. By this description you see
there is a great deal of difference betwixt an _Upright man_ and an
_honest man_.

2 A _Ruffler_ is the same in Conditions as an _Upright man, like to like
quoth the_ Devil _to the_ Collier; they both of them pretend themselves
to be decayed Souldiers, are both of them very imperious over the
inferior Subjects of their _Common-wealth_: receiving tribute also from
_Rogues_, _Palliards_, _Morts_, _Doxies_, _&c._

3 The next are _Anglers_, but they seldome catch Fish till they go up
_Westward_ for _Flounders._ The Rod they angle with is a staff of five
or six foot in length, having a hole bored through it within an inch of
the top, into which hole do they put an iron hook, and with the same do
they angle at windows about midnight, drawing therewith apparrel,
sheets, coverlets, or whatsoever they lay hold on, _All is Fish that
comes to Net_.

4 A _Rogue_, whose very name doth show his nature, and therefore he
shall not need any further description.

5 A _Wild Rogue_ is of the same nature as a _Rogue_, only this is the
difference, that the one falls into this infamous and detestable course
of life, either thorough laziness, death of Parents, cruelty of Masters,
or the like, the wild _Rogue_ is bred up to it from his swadling clouts,
born a _Rogue_, lives all his whole life a _Rogue_, and disdaines to
take upon him any calling or profession whatsoever, but as he lives, so
dies a _Rogue_.

6 _Priggers of Prancers_ are Horse-stealers, for to _Prig_, signifies in
the _Canting language_ to steal, and _Prancer_ signifies a Horse, the
Farmers in the Country, and Gentlemen that keep Horses, know these sorts
of _Rogues_ too well, by dear experience.

7 _Palliards_, otherwise called _Clapperdugeons_, who go alwayes with
their _Morts_ at their heels, and to draw people the more to pitty them,
with _Sperewort_ or _Arsnick_ raise blisters on their legs, which they
can cure again at their pleasure. When they come into the streets of a
Town or Country village, they divide themselves, and beg one on one side
of the street, and the other on the other side; the purchase which they
thus get, they sell to poor Tradesmen, or other labouring people, and
with the money are merry at the Bowsing-ken.

8 A _Frater_ is one that with a Counterfeit Patent goeth about with a
wallet at his back, and a black box at his girdle, to beg for some
Hospital or Spittle-house; he hath always a _Doxy_ whom he meets withall
at night at some tippling-house, where they lewdly spend what was given
him in the day by charitable well-minded people.

9 _Quire Birds_ are those in whom the Proverb is verified, _Birds of a
feather, Rogues together_, they are such as formerly sung in such Cages
as _Newgate_, the _White Lyon_, or some other Country _Goale_.

10 _Abraham-men_, or a _Tom of Bedlam_ is a man whom by his black and
blew arms you may see to be much beaten to the world; he counterfeits
madness, and by many Phantastick tricks gets from silly Country people
Bacon, and such other victuals as will fetch him ready money; he hath
but two names for all people whatsoever, and that is _Tom_ and _Bess_.
No man shifts his linnen oftner than he does his wenches.

11 _Whipjacks_ are such as travel about from town to town under the
notion of Shipwrackt _Seamen_, with a counterfeit licence to beg, which
licence they call a _Gybe_, and the seals to it _Jarks_; their talk is
all of Sea-voyages, but the end of their Land-voyage is for what they
can get, and to rob Booths at Fairs, which they call _Heaving of the
Booth_, at which they are very expert.

12 _Counterfeit Cranks_ are such as pretend themselves to have the
_Falling-sickness_, and by putting a piece of white soap into the corner
of their mouths, will make the froath to come boyling forth to cause
pitty in the beholders; they stare wildly with their eyes to appear as
if distracted, and go half naked to move the greater compassion. These
_Cranks_ have likewise their meetings, and their wenches at command.

13 The _Dummerar_ is Cousin-German to the _Cranks_, for as the one
counterfeits the _falling-sickness_, so this counterfeits dumbness,
making a horrid noise instead of speech by doubling his tongue in his
mouth, but if you give him nothing, he can then open his mouth to curse
you privately. This _Jack_ hath also his _Jill_, upon whom he spends his
_Loure_ at the _Bowsingken_.

14 A _Jackman_ is one that can write and reade, yea some of them have a
smattering in the _Latine_ tongue; which learning of theirs advances
them in office amongst the _Beggars_, as to be _Clark of their Hall_, or
the like. His employment is to make _Gybes_ with _Jarkes_ to them, which
are counterfeit licences with seals, by which he gets store of money to
make himself drunk withal.

15 The _Patrico_ is their Priest, every hedge is his Parish, and every
wandring Rogue and Whore is his Parishioner. His service is onely
marrying of couples, by bidding them go together and multiply, and fill
the world with a generation of vagabonds.

16 _Irish Toyls_ are lusty Rogues who go about with a wallet at their
back, in which they carry pinns, poynts, laces, and such like, and under
colour of selling such wares commit many villanies.

17 A _Swigman_ is a degree higher than an _Irish toyle_, as a Tavern
exceeds an Ale-house, for he carries a pack behind him in stead of a
wallet, and is stored with more sorts of ware than the other, yet
differs little from him in honesty; they both pay tribute to the
_Upright man_, as to their chief.

18 _Glymmerars_ are such as travel up and down with licences to beg,
because their houses have been consumed with fire, for _Glymmer_ in the
_Canting tongue_ signifies fire. They use a very sad tone in their
begging, and tell a lamentable story how the fire destroyed their Barns,
Stables, &c. by which lying tales they get store of _Loure_ to buy _Bub_
at the _Bowsingken_.

19 _Curtals_ are so called because they wear short Cloases, being of the
same nature as the Rogues described before.

20 The last _ranck_ of this _Rambling Crew_ are termed _Kinchin Co’s_,
being little Boys, whose Parents were formerly _Beggars_, but are now
dead, or else such as have run away from their Masters, and instead of a
trade to live by, follow this kinde of life to be lowsie by. The first
thing they` do is to learn how to _Cant_, and the onely thing they
practice is to creep in at windows or Cellar doors.

Thus have I given you a brief description of the men, by which you may
give a shrewd guess of the women; for you cannot imagine if the one were
_Devils_, that the other would be _Saints_, take them therefore in their
own Character.

                  *       *       *       *       *

1. Of this sort the first of them are called _Kinchen Morts_, their
Mothers carry at their backs in their _Slates_, id est, _sheets_. When
the _Morts_ beg, they use to prick these _Kinchens_ with pins, that by
their crying they may move people to a speedier distribution of their

2. _Dells_ are young wenches that have not lost their maiden-heads, but
being once deflowred, (which commonly is when they are very young) they
then change the name of _Dell_ into _Doxy_, even as maids when they come
to be married, loose that appellation, and are called women.

3. _Doxeys_ are such as have been deflowred by the _Upright-men_, and
are after common to any of the Brotherhood. They will if they see
convenient for a small piece of money prostitute their bodies to any
that will deal with them, and do too often murther those Infants which
are so gotten. They have one special badge to be known by, for most of
them go working of laces and shirt-strings, or such like stuff, onely to
give colour to their idle wandring.

4. A _walking Mort_ is one that hath increased the world with
Lullaby-cheats or young Children, yet was never married; they are very
dangerous Queans to meet withal, being cunning in dissembling, and
without all fear of God and good laws; and are kept in awe onely by the
_Upright-men_, who oftentimes rifle them of all that they have.

5. An _Autem Mort_ is another sort of these _she-devils_, and differs
onely from a _walking Mort_ in that she is married; for _Autem_ in the
Canting tongue signifies a _Church_, although that be a place she seldom
comes at. They commonly walk with their Wallets on their shoulders, and
_Slates_ or sheets at their backs, and will pilfer any thing that lies
carelesly about houses, which they call in their language _Nilling of
the ken_. Their Husbands commonly are _Rufflers_, _Upright-men_, _Wilde
Rogues_, _&c._

6. The last of this _Ragged Regiment_ are called _Bawdy Baskets_, which
are women that walk with Baskets or Cap-cases on their arms, wherein
they have pinns, points, needles, and such like things to sell, going
thus from house to house, to sell their ware; buy _Cunny-skins_, and
steal what they can lay their hands on, driving three trades at once.
They are very fair spoken, and will seldome swear whilest they are
selling their wares, but will lie with any man that hath a minde to
them. The _Upright-men_ and these are in perfect league and amity one
with another.

                  *       *       *       *       *

Thus have I briefly dissected to you this knot of _Vipers_, who may very
fitly be termed the _Devils black Guard_. Whose whole life consisteth of
a continued act of all impiety, no sin within their verge but is
frequently committed amongst them, especially that sin of leachery; to
which end you shall find sometimes together in a Barn forty of these
_Uprightmen_, _Rufflers_, _Clapperdugeons_, _&c._ ingendring _Beggars_
with their _Morts_. Adultery they boast of, Incest they laugh at, Sodomy
they Jest at, being all of the Family of _Love_ or Lust rather, rope
ripe, Nuts for the Devils cracking, and fit fuel for firing for his
Kitchen. But I have dwelt too long upon this filthy subject, I shall
only give you a brief Character of a _Canting Rogue_, and so return to
the progress of my own life.

He should seem by his rambling minde to be begot by some Intelligencer
under a hedge, for he is wholly addicted to travel, and hath one
especial priviledge above most Travellers, that he is never out of the
way. He is not troubled with making of Joyntures; he can divorce himself
without the Fee of a _Proctor_, nor fears he the cruelty of Overseers of
his Will; for there is small danger of his Children being cheated of
their Estates, by which means he makes not work for the Lawyers after
his decease. He leaves his Children all the world to _Cant_ in, and all
the people to be their fathers to provide for them. His language is
always one and the same; the Northern speech differs from the South,
Welsh from the Cornish, but _Canting_ is general, nor ever could be
altered by Conquest of the _Saxon_, _Dane_, or _Norman_. He will not beg
out of the limit prescribed him by the _Upright-man_, though he starve;
nor falsifie his oath, if he swear by his _Solomon_ (which is the
_Mass_) though you hang him; and to show himself a true subject of their
Common-wealth, he pays his custom as truly to his Grand Rogue, as
tribute is paid to the Great Turk.

The Spring is as welcome to him, as a warm Bed to a weary Traveller, for
then begins his progress after a hard Winter; and the Sun which breeds
Agues in others, he adores it like the _Indian_. _Ostlers_ cannot endure
him, for he is of the _Infantry_, and serves best on foot; and if
through sickness at any time he ride, his stage is but to the next Town,
and that in a Dung-cart. He offends not the Statute against the excess
of Apparel; the fuller of Rags, the more fashionable for his Calling;
and to go naked, he accounts but a voluntary pennance. Forty of them
will lye in a Barn together, yet are never sued upon the Statute of
In-mates. He shifts Lodgings oftner than men shift their shirts, and
hath more change of _Morts_ and _Doxies_, than he hath of Lodgings. If
he were learned, no man could make a better Description of _England_,
for he hath surveyed it more exactly than the best Cosmographer
whatsoever, having travell’d it over and over. Lastly, he can brag of
this, that repairing of houses will never undo him; and that though he
eats and drinks every day, yet he shall not die one penny in debt either
to the Brewer, or to the Butcher.



                               CHAP. XVI.

_In prosecution of his begging, he steals a Hen, is taken in the manner,
  and whipped, and imprisoned in the Cage; from whence he escapes, and
  assists in the robbing of a House, where he gets a good Booty and
  escapes, but his Companions are caught; one hanged, and two
  transported: He hearing this, makes haste to_ London.

It was then the Spring of the year when I took this laze trade of life
upon me; the harmony of the Birds singing, and the variety of the
Flowers which beautified the verdant Fields, made me the more willing to
embrace this sordid course, not thinking of a winter that would strike
dumb those winged Choristers, and invest the Earth with a robe of Snow,
in stead of all her painted Bravery. Custom had soon habituated me to a
liking of lodging in straw, attracted the more by my amorous Bed-fellow,
and so long as I had my fill of ease, I could well be contented to fast
from Dainties. But for my life I could not bring my tongue to the right
tone of Begging, although I were habited fit for the purpose, with a
dirty Night-cap loathsome to behold, my face all smearen, my cloths set
full with patches upon the whole cloath, a red clout upon my leg, and
supporting my body with a staff as if I had been a meer criple. Many a
mile we rambled, yet keeping still in our own station, for fear of the
_Upright-man_: but my counterfeit plea for begging was at last
discovered, and to all my dainties I had whipping chear added; for going
one day not far off from a Farm house, the stragling Hens invited me to
have a throw at them with my staff, and having struck one of them, I had
forgotten my lameness, but very nimbly ran and took her up, putting her
under my patcht Coat, where I had a bag sewed in that was a receptacle
for all stollen goods. It chanced that the Farmer himself was then on
the other side of the hedge, who undiscover’d by me, saw my activity in
the stealing of his Hen, and was resolved, though I put it up, that he
would not. But I dreading nothing, thinking my self unseen, went
directly to the House, and as soon as I came into the yard fell to my
old trade, leaning on my staff, and drawing my leg after me, as if
scarce able to stand, much less to run. Having gotten to the door, I
began to set up my tone with a _Good tender hearted people be pleased to
bestow your charity upon a poor miserable wretch that is both lame and
hungry; one penny of silver to buy him salve for his sore leg, or one
morsel of victuals to put into his belly that hath had nothing come in
it this couple of dayes_. No sooner had I ended my Maunding, thinking to
mump the Farmer out of some money, or at leastwise some bread to my Hen,
but he having watch’d me now seiz’d hold of my arm, and told me, that
that though it might be true that I had not lately eaten, yet he saw I
was resolved to be better provided for the future, and so turning back
my Coat discover’d my bag, where was not only the Hen, but some other
provant, I had lately purchased. I finding my self caught, would gladly
have given him the slip, but some of his servants, as well as himself
stop’d me, without any more ado the _Harman-beck_ was sent for, who
being a neighbour was quickly come, and by this time I had a great train
of Boys and Girls to attend me: I needed not much examination being thus
taken in the manner, but however they were all desirous to see my sore
leg; I was forced to let them do what they would with me, knowing there
was no remedy but patience, and so I suffer’d them to unrowl and take
off the Clouts and Rowlers that was upon it, when coming to the skin,
that was as whole and as sound as a fish; but though my leg was well and
whole, my heart was now almost broken with consideration of what they
would do with me; some proposed one punishment, and some another, but at
length to the Whipping-Post I was led, where my Doublet and shirt being
stript off, my back was so long lac’d with a Cart-whip, that I Caperd
and flownced like a Horse in a quagmire, and I was as fast too, being
hand cuffd so that I could not stir. It was well it was the spring time,
for I lost blood enough to purge away the gross humors without the help
of a Surgeon, that office being supplyd by a Thrasher who took as much
pains upon me as would have Thrash’d a bushel of Pease; but at length
there was a Cessation, and a new parlee began, wherein it was propounded
that further course should be taken with me, and considering that there
was a kind of Felony committed upon the Hen; they advis’d and agreed to
lead me to the next Justice of the peace to have his Judgement in the
Case, though I thought it unreasonable to suffer punishment first, and
then to be Judged; yet it was to no purpose to complain, and all I could
say would not prevail with them to let me go, but they would conduct me
to the Justice, so that I having put on my Cloaths my shirt stuck to my
back and made me sensible that I had lost leather; but for all that on I
must, and the Justice living a mile off, the Thrasher who had lash’d me,
and two or three others made holliday to attend me: when we came before
the Justice, he hearing that I had been punished already, was content at
my Importunity to acquit me from any other, and only to make a Pass to
send me home to _London_, being the place where I told them I was born:
I not having power to contradict, was forced to consent to what was
commanded, and that Constable attending me out of his liberties to
another Constable, left me: this new Constable, who now had me in
keeping, not being willing to go further with me; for that night put me
up in the Cage, where I was lock’d up, but not so safely, but I made
shift to break out, and travelling all night, by the next morning I was
far enough off for them to o'retake me, for all that day I concealed my
self in a wood, and when night came I proceeded on my Journey; but it so
happened that on the second night of my travel, about midnight I was
overtaken by three persons who demanded where I was going? I told them
any whither: what was I? I replied a wretched person whom fortune had
persecuted, and therefore I was indifferent whether I went, or what I
did. Hearing me say so, they retired a little to consult about their
affairs, and then one of them coming up to me, demanded several
questions of me of my late course of life? To all their questions I
returned them such answers as caused them to conclude me to be a
Rambler, and therefore fit for their society, and therefore they asked
me if I were willing to hazard my self in enterprizing somewhat, that
though it might be something dangerous, yet it should be very
profitable. To this I answered, that they should soon find my
willingness expressed in the boldness of my actions, and if seconded or
assisted by them, I should act anything they would direct and appoint.

They hearing my resolution, soon consented to admit me into their
society, and acquainted me with their present purpose, which was to rob
a House not far from that place: They told me that I must be valiant and
bold, not in fighting, for they knew they should meet with little
occasion to exercise any weapon, but in entring the House, and
performing other such matters as they should instruct me in. I told them
I consented to what they should propose, and therefore desired them to
tell me what part I was to act in this Enterprize, and as for a part of
the purchase, I should leave that to them, which I desired them to give
me as I should deserve. Then one of these persons told me, that he was
very well acquainted in the house, and gave me an account of the several
ways and passages into every Room, and who was lodged in such Chambers.
In fine, I discovered that there was but two men, and three women-kind
in the house, and he being a Coach-man, had lately brought the Master of
the house home with two hundred pound, of which he had a desire to rob
him; and therefore had joyned these two persons with him in the
Confederacy. Being thus instructed, we proceed, and arriving at the
house, I was put in at a window, and directed how to open the doors,
which I did, the Coach-man stayed below stairs, and we other three by
his directions went up into the Chambers; the doors we soon opened, and
coming to the Bed-side where the Master of the house and his Wife was,
we drawing our swords (for I had the Coach-mans delivered to me) opened
our dark Lanthorns, and seeing the man and woman, without many words we
bound and gagg’d them; and they leaving me to watch them, went into the
other Chambers to do the like to the rest: I being left alone in this
Room was not idle, but rummaged about, and found a Gold Watch, a few
Rings, and twenty Pieces of Gold, these I secured for my self, and soon
after my Companions returned; when taking the Keys out of the
Gentlewomans pocket, we soon found what we came for, the two hundred
pound, and so marched off without any stay, or the least interruption:
the Coach-man stayed below in the Hall, where he had made a strict
search, and had likewise plundred something from thence which after
turned little to his profit: but we all left the house with the doors
open, and marched with the spoils of the field, bag and baggage, to a
house about a mile distant, where they were so courteous as to give me
fifteen pound out of the profits of their Adventure. I (being sensible
that I was well enough paid, in regard of the Gold and other things I
had conceal’d) thankfully received it, and so left them, marching on
further to the next great Town, where the next day I understood a great
Fair was to be kept, and therefore I thought that place the most fitting
to conceal my self in, and be freest from suspition, I got in a Barn and
rested my self, taking some sleep; but was much disturbed, being in
great fear lest some mis-fortune might befall me: And to the end that I
might be the freer from suspect, in case of a _Hue and Cry_, I went to a
Sales-mans Booth which was in the Fair, and furnish’d me with a
Sad-coloured Sute and Cloak, Citizen-like, that I might pass for such a
one if occasion were; my old Cloathes I left behind me in the Barn where
I stripped my self. Thus did I escape all danger, but my Companions
fared worse than I, for the covetous Coach-man not having any thing else
whereon to exercise himself, stole a Looking-glass which was below
stairs, while we were above, and to conceal it from the rest of his
Companions, put it in his Codpiece. When they had sufficiently stayed at
the house where I left them, and had shared the prize, they went to go
homewards, but being flustred with the Bottles of Wine they had for joy
drank off, they made it so long, that it was seven of the Clock in the
morning ere they parted, and then were they overtaken by the _Hue and
Cry_, with a Constable, who though he knew the Coach-man very well, and
did not suspect him, yet seeing him and his two Companions so flustred,
and somewhat to hang out at the knees of the Coach-man’s Breeches, they
made some stay, asking whether he had lately been at some Wedding and
had Bride-Laces, which he had put in his Breeches. The Coach-man being
somewhat blank’d at this discovery, knew not what answer readily to
return: This caused them to examine him who they were that were his
Companions, and where they had been? They were all now deeplier
surprized than before, which gave so great suspition that occasioned a
Search, and in the end they found what they sought for, (the Money:) and
that which hung out at the Coach-mans Breeches, were some Ribbons that
were fastned to the Looking-glass. Upon this Discovery they were all
Apprehended, carried before a Justice, and upon examination being found
directly guilty, committed to Goal. This did I hear of at the Fair that
afternoon as I was drinking in a Booth: At the recital of this story, if
any one had observed me, they might easily have conjectured that I was
concerned therein; for I was possessed with so much fear, that I look’d
like one rather dead than alive: but there was no occasion to suspect
me, for the three others my Companions being taken and with them the
greatest part of the money, there was no occasion to make any further
enquiry. Then did I bless my good fortune that I had left them so
suddenly, and was so much out of danger, and that evening I proceeded
further on in my way towards _London_; but being well furnished with
Silver and Gold, I took up my Quarters in a very good Inn, where I had a
good Supper and soft Bed, and slept very well, considering the trouble I
was in. At this Inn I stayed several days to hear what would become of
my Companions, for the Assizes were then at hand. I received this
satisfaction, that they being Tryed, were all cast for their Lives; the
Coach-man hang’d, and the other two were to be transported. This was the
end of my piece of Thievery, and I did then resolve never to hazard my
self again in such matters, lest I came off with as bad success as the
Coach-man. I stayed so long in this Inn, pretending to wait the coming
of a sister of mine, that one day who should arrive there but the
Maid-servant who lived with the Plaisterer I had served, and as I
suppose was the cause of his drowning: now was I in greater fear than
before, for I had lately escaped hanging for theft, and now expected it
for murther; and I knew that this wench was malicious enough against me,
and would rather injure me by her exclamations, than secure me by her
silence; I therefore intended to give her the go-by, but could not, for
she had now cast her eye upon me and discovered me, and came straight up
to me to speak with me. How now, says she, you have made a fair Ramble!
Is it not time to return? Well, said I, be silent a little, and let me
speak with you in private; and thereupon taking her by the hand, I led
her into a private room, where calling for some drink, I enquired of her
how all our Friends did, and more particularly for my Master. Why, said
she, you know well enough that he is dead. At this word I was more dead
than alive, neither was I for the present able to ask her any more

The Drink being brought in, she drank to me; Well, said she, however I
am glad to see you here; so am not I (thought I:) but recovering my lost
senses, I demanded of her how long my Master had been dead. She replyed,
a fortnight. Nay, thought I, then the Case is not so bad as I suspected,
and therefore I proceeded in questioning of her how he died, and many
other questions. She answered, that he died of a Feaver, which kept him
not above fourteen days sick; and he being dead, she was now returning
into the Country to visit her Friends.

Now was I fully satisfied that I needed not fear any danger, wherefore I
called for a Bottle of Canary, which we drank off; and she related to me
that he was not much hurt by the fall that I gave him, for he went again
to work the next day, and had made much enquiry after me, but as yet in
vain. I told her that I indeed doubted that he had been drowned by the
fall which he had received into the water, and therefore had absented my
self ever since from _London_, wandering up and down in several
Disguises: But, said I, I will now go to _London_ again, but never to
serve out my Time at that Trade; for if I come upon a Scaffold again, I
shall be much frighted with the remembrance of that Disaster. She told
me, that now indeed I was free to dispose of my self since my Master was
dead, and might chuse my Trade and Master.

Thus did we spin out several hours of that day and night together, till
it was time to go to Bed, and then we parted; she the next morning
proceeded in her Journey into the Countrey, and I pursuing my
resolutions of going to _London_, likewise went forward. But by the way
met with an Adventure, which I shall relate to you in the next Chapter.



                              CHAP. XVII.

_In his Journey to_ London, _he overtakes a Trooper and a Wench: he lyes
  with her and two more of her Companions, and after this frollick he
  goes with them all to_ London.

I was now resolved nothing should hinder me from proceeding in my
Journey to _London_, and that I might get thither the sooner, I
endeavoured to borrow a horse, but could not procure one, I being a
stranger, every person was unwilling to trust me: but at noon-day
staying for a bait, I happened into the company of a Trooper, who was
likewise travelling to _London_; we dined together, and he asking
whither I was going? I told him: he said he should be glad of my
company. I said, that would be very pleasing to me if I might enjoy his;
but I could not because he was better furnish’d for a Journey than I,
being provided with a horse, and I on foot: he told me that
inconveniency might be supplyed, for there were horses in the stable to
be let. I told him that I would give any consideration for the hire of
one, and that he, if acquainted, might do me much kindness in procuring
one for me: he seeing me full of money, quickly procured me a horse,
engaging himself that I should leave the beast at his _London_ quarters.
My host being well acquainted with him, and he being to ride along with
me, was contented: and I paying five shillings for his hire, had the
horse deliver’d to me, and on his back I mounted, thinking my self to be
some brave fellow: As we rid along together, we overtook a female
Creature, young and handsom, in somewhat an ancient decayed, but Gentile
garb. The Trooper being a notable well experienced blade, soon fell into
discourse with her, and found her to be a Rambling Baggage, whose
journey was now intended for _London_, and would be glad of our company,
were she accommodated with a horse: to that I offered her my service,
and agreed that she should ride behind me; to which she assenting, soon
mounted, and now we merrily put on, holding a pleasing discourse with
our female companion. I had a great desire to take a better view of her
than I could, being thus on hors-back together, and therefore perswaded
the Trooper to make a halt at the next Town which we came to, where we
all dismounted, and I saluted my Lady, who kindly received my Courtesie.
The Trooper after some discourse, was well enough acquainted with the
Lady, having often times been merry with her, and others, at the house
where she lodged in _London_. He call’d me on one side, and told me,
that she was a person with whom he had been formerly acquainted, and so
might I too, if I would, and if I had any desire thereto, he could and
would assist me.

I told him he had done me many kindnesses in the small time of my
acquaintance, and now he had offered that which exceeded all; for indeed
I was much taken with her beauty, and very desirous I was to enjoy her.

Well, said he, let us be going from hence, and make you your bargain
with her as you ride along by the way, and I will take such care in the
business that you shall be entertained as man and wife at my quarters,
and there lie together. I was infinitely glad of this his kind proffer,
and thankfully accepted thereof, and so after some little longer stay,
we again mounted our steeds and put forwards: according to his
instruction I courted my Mistress, and without much difficulty obtained
her promise to permit me to lie with her, and so we rid on till we
arrived at the Troopers quarters, where he told his Landlady, that he
had brought her some guests; for this young man and his wife, (said he)
pointing to us, will stay here all night: they shall be welcom, said the
Hostess, and so a supper was provided; for as we did eat and drink with
a very good appetite, and my Landlady did accompany us, who I found was
very well respected, and familiar with the Trooper; and bed-time being
come, which I had much desired, I and my Lady went to bed, neither did
the Trooper lie alone, for our Landlady was his bed-fellow; how he spent
the night I know not, but I am sure for our parts we slept but little,
for it was the first time that I ever enjoy’d a woman naked in my arms
all night, and I was ravished with delight, never having had so much
pleasure. My bed-fellow was well enough contented with the entertainment
I gave her; we discoursed of one anothers fortunes, but whether she told
me the truth of hers, I know not, but I disguised mine wholly from her,
not thinking it fit to make her acquainted with my late adventures; she
told me, that the occasion of her late travel was this, that she and two
women more of her acquaintance had been perswaded by three Gentlemen to
a Ramble, and had gone down to such a City in a Coach, that they had for
some time continued together as three men and wives at an Inn, and there
had enjoyed a full plenty of every thing; but at length the three
Gentlemen had basely left them to pay a great reckoning in a strange
place, and all they had would not make the one half of it, that they had
for some time waited in expectation of the return of their friends, but
in vain, so that at last it was agreed, that one of us, said she, should
go for _London_, and procure mony to redeem the rest, and the lot
falling on me I have prosecuted the journey, and hopes to raise money to
relieve, and redeem my companions. I hearing this story was sensibly
troubled thereat, and offered her my assistance, and she so far
prevail’d with me, that I lent her five pound to send to her companions,
she promising me to continue either there, or at any other place with me
so long as I should please, and at our coming to her quarters at
_London_, to repay me my mony with many thanks. To all this I agreed,
and the next day she conveyed most part of the mony to her companions by
a Coach that travelled thither: and thus did I enjoy this Lady for many
nights together, and lying at Rack and Manger: the horse I sent back at
the directions of the Trooper, who likewise continued with his Hostess,
and only my purse paid for all; but indeed we lived sparingly enough,
the Trooper being one of the honestest Travellers that I ever met with.
The Coach-man who carried the money to the afflicted and distressed
Damoyselles, returned, and with him the Ladies, very glad of their safe
return, and very thankful were they, not only to their companions who
sent it, but also to me of whom, she said, she procured it, and now we
all thought of removeing to _London_, but one night more we lay at our
old quarters, where I had the greatest frollick I was ever guilty of,
for that night I kist with all three of the women, and pleased them
round, by giving each of them a tryal of my skill. What now could I
desire to enjoy further? I thought my self to be as brave a fellow as
the great Turk in his _Seraglio_, he having but his choice of Women,
which I now enjoyed to my full content. But morning coming, we took
leave of our Hostess and the Trooper, and all four taking Coach, soon
came to _London_, where I took up my Quarters with my three Damsels, who
made very much of me, and indeed they were the honestest Wenches, and I
had the best frollick that I ever had in my life, but in time I was
weary of this life, for what man can last out alwayes? And I finding my
pocket begin to shrink, bethought me that it was fit to leave off in
time, for all my Silver was gone, and ten pound of my twenty pound in
Gold: but I selling my Watch and Rings raised ten pound more; with this
stock of twenty pound I was resolved to retire, and fit my self for some
employment. My three Ladies never offered to return me the five pound I
had lent them, neither indeed could I handsomly expect it; for they had
been very liberal in their expences, and had declined all other company
to accommodate me. They heard of their three Gentlemen who had trapan’d
them in the Country, and so wisely plaid their Cards that they gained
all their money again, I assisting them, and pretending the man of the
house had assigned the money to me. I scorned to pocket any of it, but
gave it amongst them; and so being resolved to take another course of
life, I retired my self from them: and to the end that I might be fitted
for an employment, I hired one who was well known therein, to teach me
to write more perfectly than I could formerly, as also Arithmatick: I
likewise hired several Books of a Stationer, for which I gave him so
much _per_ week; These being chiefly Knight-Errantry and Romances, I
took much pleasure therein. I had a mind to diversion, and went to visit
my Damoyselles, and thus did I live the pleasantest life in the world;
but I had so much reason as to think that things would not last long as
they were, and I had no inclination to stealing, more virtuous thoughts
had now possessed me, and therefore a Trade being the only thing that
would maintain me, I enquired for one, and setled my self, as you shall
hear in the next Chapter.


[Illustration: _The Extravagant Prentices with their Lasses at a Taverne



                              CHAP. XVIII.

_He being now come to_ London, _puts himself Prentice to a Taylor; he
  gets acquaintance with Prentices of all sorts, is with them at their
  Tavern-frolicks: he is employed by a Scrivener to make Cloathes for a
  Wench, he goes with him to her, and returning, the Scrivener promises
  him an account of that Trade._

Being now come to _London_, I was resolved not to be idle, but settle my
self to some one Trade, that I might be able to get a living; and having
already had tryal of several, at first a _Barber-Surgeon_, then a
_Tapster_, a _Cook_, a _Lock-smith_, _Taylor_, _Baker_, and
_Plaisterer_; and being still forced for some reason or other to leave
them all, did now resolve to fix upon one that should do my business,
and whereby I might at all times, and in all places, be able to live by
my hands, for Lands I had none. I considered of all the Trades I had
already been a practitioner in, and many others, none suited so well
with my humour, as that of a Taylor; wherefore I sought for several
Masters, but they were all unwilling to take me for less than seven
years, it being the custom of _London_ that none can be bound for less
time, nor be made a Free-man till they have served so long. I was
unwilling to bind my self on those tearms, knowing my temper was
variable, and did believe, I should not hold out to serve such a tearm:
but after several enquiries and tryals, I did light upon a Master, who
was willing to take me for five years, only this I perswaded him to do
in regard I already had a good hand in working, and being industrious in
my imployment, so that though I was bound for seven years, yet I had a
Writing under my Masters hand, that the last two years I should dispose
of my self as I pleased, and yet he could make me a Free-man at seven
years end.

My Master was not only a Taylor, but kept a Brokers shop, wherein he
sold all sorts of Clothes new and old: He lived in one of the
principallest Streets in the City, and was in good esteem with his
neighbours, who were all persons of some quality, not of the meaner
sort, but substantial Tradesmen, as _Gold-smiths_, _Grocers_,
_Drugsters_, _Scriveners_, _Stationers_, &c. and I (being now well
fitted with Clothes, and having my pockets pretty well lined with money
which I had still kept by me) was a fit and welcome Companion to the
best sort of Apprentices, in whose society I did soon insinuate my self,
and having money to spend equal with the best, I came acquainted with a
whole Gang of such Blades, that all my former knowledge was nothing in
comparison to what I soon experimented from them; for their Masters
being of the wealthiest sort of Citizens, and keeping Countrey-houses at
_Newington_, _Hackney_, _Stepney_, &c, they often had opportunity in
their absence to meet, and keep their Club or general Randezvous, which
was commonly every other night, at one of the Taverns near adjoyning:
and my Master (who did well enough understand that I was frequently
abroad, and in what Company I spent my time) did not in the least oppose
or contradict me therein; for I soon found that these young Jovial
Blades, though Apprentices, yet they were my Masters best Customers, for
there was none of them but had a Sute or two of Clothes _A la mode_,
which commonly lay at our house, which they put on when they had any
frollick out of Town, either at _Christmas_, _Easter_, or _Whitsontide_,
or at any other time, when they pretending some urgent occasions, they
would give their Masters the slip.

Thus was I one of the Gang, and had liberty to be with them so often as
I pleased, by the connivance of my Master, whose profit consisted in my
acquaintance with them; for I soon brought him some new Customers, out
of whom he could squeez good store of money for making their Clothes,
and sometimes he made three or four Sutes at a time, yet had no money
for his pains, but he was satisfied otherwise in Commodities, which were
more to his profit; for the Mercer paid his Bill in Stuffs, the Draper
in Cloth, and the rest either in other good Commodities which they had
of their Masters, or with which they were furnished by their Companions.
When any of them intended a new Sute for himself, Friend, or Mistress,
it was but summoning the Brethren of the Club together, and then the
Mercer brought his Stuffs or Silks, the Milliner Buttons, Ribbons, and
Lynings, for which they had in exchange such other Commodities as the
others could produce: there was only two Trades that had little or no
Commodities to exchange, and that was the Scrivener and Bookseller, and
therefore I wondred from whence they should get to be so fine as the
rest; but I observed what they wanted in Wares, was supplyed in Money,
which was a Commodity would command every thing else. How they should
get this Money I knew not, for I could not imagine that in making of
Bills and Bonds the Scrivener could cheat his Master of much money, or
that the Bookseller could sell many books by the by, and put the money
in his own pockets, for I knew they were not so vendible a Commodity as
Cloath, Silk, _&c._

But one evening we being at our general Rendezvous, where we had good
wine, and better company, being attended by two or three Suburbian
Females, who were the Doxies of our Comerades. The Scrivener (having the
finest out-side, being in his private Sute of Apparel, and having his
pockets well lined with _Maslin_ of Gold and Silver) took occasion to
court one of the Women not only publickly, but privately; and though she
were till then a stranger to him, yet he won her from her other Friend,
and to enduce her to be kind to him, he called me to him, and ordered me
to provide her a new gown, and peticoat, of flowred Tabbee, and
immediatly calling to our Mercer who served us all, gave him as much
money as the Silk was worth, and all the engagement he desired from the
_Bona Roba_, was that he might have the first taking up of the peticoat,
and then if she liked her old sweet-heart best she might afterwards use
her pleasure, either in admitting him or t'other to her embraces, or
either of them as she pleased, to this they all three agreed, and the
Mercer who took about four pound for Silk was ordered (by a general
vote) to spend forty shillings of the money for that present reckoning,
and all the rest went scotfree, and after a lusty cup of wine, some
dishes of meat, and fidlars, they for that time broke up their meeting.
This liberallity, or rather prodigallity of the Scrivener put me into
some confusion, and very desirous I was to know how he gained so much
money, wherefore I speedily procured the apparrel to be made, and
delivered it to him to his content, I so highly pleased him that he
desired me to go with him to the Ladies lodging who was to wear it. I
accordingly waited on him thither, and she receiving him with much
chearfulness accepted it; it was soon put on, and it was not long before
they retired out of the room wherein I was, into an other; where I
suppose she was so curteous as to permit him not only to take up the
peticoat, and somewhat else to his liking: but to dispose of her at his
pleasure, for they stay’d together neer an hour. Neither was I left
alone: but had the old Matron of the house, and a young _Bona Roba_ to
accompany me, where we were not idle, but made the bottles of Sack, and
Stepony fly for it: when their business was over (and ours almost done,
for we had so ply’d the liquor that our noddles were fuller of wine than
wit) they briskly entred the room where we were, and without any coyness
fell stoutly to drinking; for seeing us neer thirty one, they with full
bowls quickly put us out, so that I was enforced to go to sleep, which I
supposed I did for about three hours, and then awaking I found my
Gallants wanting; but I believe they were not all at that time idle; for
upon inquiry, and search, I found them in an other chamber together,
where I suppose she had fully performed the agreement for her cloaths to
the content of the Scrivener, who now after a fresh bottle of wine, and
payment of the reckoning which was no small one, hearty farewels given,
and taken of his Mistress, her companion, and the Matron, we left that
house, and taking coach ordered the Coach-man to drive to the next
Tavern to my Master, where we called for a room, wine, and a fire, he
gave me an Angel for my dayes service, and shifting himself put on his
ordinary, and gave me his best cloathes to lay up at my Masters, wishing
me to acquaint him that I had been in his company, and that would be
sufficient for my excuse: I thanked him for his kindness, and Civility,
and told him that his bounty had so tyed me to him, that I should at all
times be joyful if I might serve him: As for my bounty, said he, I shall
for the future be more free to you, and for mony you shall not want; for
I am alwayes in capacity to furnish my friends, having the command of a
great deal of cash, which I know well enough how to order to my own
advantage, and it is but reason that I should dispose of some as well as
my Master; for it is in my power to strip him of the greatest part of
his estate, and ruine him in his credit. I being inquisitive after
secrets, desired him to tell me how that Trade (which I supposed, only
consisted in the making a few small writings) could be so profitable: To
this he answered, that indeed it was true, they made not many writings,
but dealt in much money, and his Master had an extraordinary way; for
(persued he) if my Master wants two or three thousand pound, he can
quickly command it, though he began with nothing, and indeed had every
Bird her feather, he hath no estate: But he hath such slights, wayes,
and confederates, that he can do what he listeth: He hath one piece of
Brass hath yielded him two thousand pound: that is much, said I, and
there must be more in your Trade than I can imagine, and I would be very
glad to be acquainted with some of your Mysteries, and since you have
promised me your friendship, whatever you shall relate to me, shall be
surely and safely closeted up in my breast, and shall never by me be
offered to your prejudice, and it may be some of my advice in your
affairs may be profitable; for I have had much more experience in the
world than you imagine. This discourse, and some other arguments which I
used, induced him to give me a relation of many passages of his life:
But much of the _Knaveries_ of that mysterious Trade, which discourse he
began to me in this manner.



                               CHAP. XIX.

_The Scrivener recounts the Waggeries he committed the first three years
  of his Apprenticeship, and his Masters first Cheats by counterfeiting
  a Seal._

When I first came to Prentice, my Master (by reason of the Wars, which
caused a general deadness in Trading) had but little to do: but he being
one of the confiding party, did thereby get acquaintance with several
rich men, and in short time by reason of the pretended sanctity, was
entrusted by a Usurer to put out five hundred pound, which he did to his
content; for he had a Lease of a City Companies which cost seven hundred
pound assigned for security. My Master never having dealt in money
before, and now finding the sweetness of _Procuration_, and making of
writings, longed to be at it again: but though he had moneys offered him
to put out, yet he could not meet with any security to content; for
personal security by reason of the casualty of the Wars, was generally
disliked, and Land in the Country was for the same reason refused, and
only Leases in _London_, or Lands about _London_, was counted sufficient
and approved of, wherefore this Companies Lease, on which he had
procured monies did run much in his head, wishing for such another
security, and projecting somewhat, which since he had put in execution,
as I will tell you by and by: but I will first acquaint you how I
behaved my self for the first three years of my time, whereby my Master
took so good a liking to me, as to communicate his secrets to me. My
Master was alwayes good natur’d, and kind to me: but on the contrary, my
Mistris was cross and froward, so that I could seldome get a good word
from her, and she would still employ me in several pieces of drudgery,
as to carry burthens from _London_ to our Countrey House, and then I
must bring back from thence fletten or skim’d Milk, on which we must
feed two or three daies in the week, when my Master would allow good
roast Beef, which she would send for away: but I was still even with her
for her niggardliness, and when I came to the Country House, I would
usually get my share of the Cream; and being a lover of the Pies and
Puddings, steal some from her. One time I being in the Larder, had a
great mind to a bak’d-pudding that was there, but at first durst not
meddle with it, because it was with other good cheer to be served up at
the Table to Dinner, where were some guests: but for all that, the
lovliness of the Pudding made me to take my knife, and turning it upside
down, cut out one half of it, and so turning it down again, left it to
be served hollow to the Table: but I departing for _London_ e're Dinner
was served, I know not how the Maides came off. At other times when I
came to the Countrey House, if the fruit of the Orchard were ripe, then
the gate was lock’d, and I was not admitted therein, but I would have my
share by day or night; for I once invited some of my Confederates to
Church thither on a Sunday, and in the Sermon time went with them and
rob’d our own Orchard, which no body else durst attempt because of our
Mastiff; nay, I went once from _London_ at midnight, and having some of
my Copesmates with me I entred the Orchard, and fetcht out the fruit
which I would be sure should be of the best, and choicest of all the
ground, and gave it to my Companions, and so we returned loaden to
_London_; and thus did I vex her for her niggardliness, and although my
Master did well enough suspect me, yet he would only laugh at my
Mistriss when she was most passionately angry, and say, she was but
rightly served. But at length my Master had a Son, who when I first came
to Prentice was at Boarding-School: but in time growing up, his Mother
had a great desire to have him live at home and be a Clerk: for my
Masters employment encreasing, I gained moneys, and bought me some fine
Cloathes, and wore a Watch in my pocket: at all which she was envious,
and desirous that her Son might enjoy what I did, and therefore bound he
was to his Father, and though this happened three years after I came,
yet such was the injustice that I had done me, that he was not only
placed before me in a seat, but I was commanded to make clean his
shooes, and attend him, as if he had not been a Servant. This though I
was forced to comply with, yet I was resolved to be revenged of, and
therefore set my wits to work; I did clean his shoos, but in the edges
instead of greazing them, I anointed them with _Aqua fortis_, and he
putting them on, and going to the further end of _London_, the soles of
the shoos fell from the Upper-leathers, they being so eaten by the _Aqua
fortis_, and he sate at the Coblers stall whilst they were randed
together again. He was of so covetous a disposition (like his Mother)
that though he had moneys in his pocket, yet he would seldom spend any
at the Ale-house, and therefore sate at the Coblers stall two hours,
whilst his shoos were made fit for him to walk with, and then he came
home and was soundly chidden by his Father, my Master, for his so long
stay, which pleased me very well that he should be blamed for that fault
whereof he had been so often guilty. He being of a sneaking peering
humor, I could not be quiet for complaints he made of me, and by his
applying himself close to his business, he would dispatch as much
writing as I did: though I could when I listed, do twice as much in the
time, and when he had done, he would be making and mending his Pens
ready against business came in, but I would spoil all his Pens by
cutting one neb of them away somewhat shorter than the other, so that
when he came to write, he had his Pens to mend or new make, and so
curious he was, that his Ink must be in a particular Standish by its
self, whereto I would often put Oyl, so that it would not write; and
then for his Parchment, he would choose the best skins, and give me the
worst being greasie: but I would in his absence greaze his Parchment by
rubbing it with a Candles end. Many other inventions I had to hinder and
cross him, I found two pair of his Gloves one time, and bestowed some
Cow-lich in all the seams on the inside of them, so that he putting them
on, his hands quickly fell to itching, and he to scratching, till they
were all bloudy, and so hot, that he was forced to put them in a pail of
water, and then he cut his Gloves in pieces, that he might see what was
in the inside, which was no small pleasure to me. He being a trouble and
vexation to my fellow-servants as well as to me, they assisted me in my
waggeries and contrivances against him. In his Mothers absence at the
Countrey House, he kept the key of the Cupboard and Buttery, to hinder
us from the better sort of Victuals, but I soon got another key, and had
my full share of every thing, and when missed any thing, perswaded him,
the Rats and Mice bereft him of it. When my Mistriss came to Town she
would have her Lodging in the Chamber over the Kitching, because she
would hear if we sit up after her; it was a good while er'e I could
think of a way to cause her to remove her Lodging, but understanding
that she could not endure Rats and Mice, I got a great dead Rat, and in
the daytime put it into her bed between the sheets, so that she opening
her bed to go into it, and seeing the Rat, was so extreamly affrighted,
that she immediately left her Lodging, and went into another Chamber:
but she doubting that we would sit up a nights after she was gone to
bed, as indeed we often did, in Company of her Daughter, who was
somewhat better condition’d than her Brother, and had many Junkets and
Collations; she called her Son to watch, and he being willing to catch
us, would come down part of the stairs softly in his shirt to listen:
but we discerning his practice, strewed the stairs with pease, and
nointed the edges with soap, so that one night down he fell backwards,
and almost brake his Rib with the fall, and gave us timely notice to
shift away for our selves: his Mother hearing the noise, comming down
her self to help him, was served in the same kind, I hearing of this,
and all being dark, ran in my shirt and Breeches as if newly awaked, and
instead of helping them, went to the stairs and wip’d and rub’d them,
and conveyed away most of the pease, so that my Master by this time
being likewise up, and having a candle, did not distrust how they had
been served, but helping them up, and I assisting my young Master to go
to his bed, the next day he concluded the House was haunted by Spirits:
By this means we were rid of his watchings; for after he was once in his
Chamber of a night, he seldom came out again to watch us. But he would
commonly stay in the Kitchin till he saw us all going to bed, neither
would he permit me to come to the fire, upon which account we had a
bussel, and I gave my Gentleman such a fall, that caused him to remember
a good while after: but his Mother remembred me the next morning, for he
having acquainted her with the matter, she took upon her to revenge it,
which she did in this manner. I according to custom coming to the
Cistern for water, to water the shop before I swept it, having one
finger of one hand in the hole at the bottom of the bottle, and my
t'other hand being employed in holding the bottle, and being stooping at
the Cock of the Cistern my Mistress came near me, and there standing by
me in a Tub a parcel of durty clouts wherewith the maids had newly
washed down the stairs, she takes them up and slaps them about my face,
so that I looked as durty as a Chimney-sweeper; and not contented
therewith, she jouled my head against the Cistern: I thereupon standing
upright, and feling my self wet, faced her, who now opening her mouth,
made a great noise with her passionate exclamations against me for
abusing her Son; I let her goe on in her discourse, and apprehending a
way to be even with her, coming very near her, let my finger go from the
bottom of the bottle, and holding it over her, it ran all upon her, so
that she then having a great belly soon felt her self to wet through,
and then she would have been at me again, but I shewed her a fair pair
of heels, and ran away. Thus was I still even with them both, and my
Master would seldom do any thing but laugh at what I did, taking much
notice of my unhappy wit; for let her and her Son do all they could, I
would be sure to have my share of the best sort of the Victuals; and she
was of that dirty humor, that at a _Christmas_ when she made a Feast,
and a great deal of good chear was drest for her guests, she would then
afford us nothing but a dish of stew’d Turneps, Milk, Pottage, or at the
best, a leg of Beef; and though much Victuals were left in Platters, and
on Trenchers, that she bestowed on the Water-bearer or Chair-woman, that
they might report what a brave House she kept, and not a bit was given
to us his Servants, unless she had kept it so long till it was mouldy or
worse. Once I remember she promised us some Plumb-Pottage, and at the
time she made two pots full, I asking the maid wherefore so much was
made? she informed me, that one pot-full was much better than the other;
I being told which was the best when my Master and Mistress were at
Dinner, got a good Bason full of the best, and set it by for my self,
and then mixed the rest so, so that we had all alike. But to lay aside
all these fooleries, and now to the purpose, my Master perceiving me of
a pretty smart wit, and fit for his purpose, he employed me in getting
of a Seal made, the which I did, and it was like unto the Companies,
which I told you was to the writing, upon which we lent 500_l._ He did
not tell me the use of it at present, but I soon found it out; for not
long after a Deed was made, and the Seal being put to it, my Master
caused one who was his Confederate to bring it to our shop at such a
time as he had a Usurer in his company who wanted security for moneys.
In comes our Gentleman, and calling my Master aside, asked him if he
could procure 500_l._ upon such a Companies Lease? Yes reply’d my Master
if it be a good one; whereupon the Lease was produced, and the Usurer
being there present look’d on it, and liked it so well, that he agreed
to lend 400_l._ upon it: This at first would not please the Gentleman,
because he pretended he was to pay 500_l._ but the value of the Lease
being counted and reckoned at no more than 600_l._ he was contented at
my Masters perswasions to accept of 400_l._ upon that security, and my
Master promised him to furnish him with a 100_l._ more on his Bond of
another person, a friend of his. Thus this business was made up, and
assignment or mortgage being made of this Lease, the money was paid, and
my Master as I soon understood, had 350_l._ thereof, and the Gentleman
50_l._ and I was likewise rewarded with twenty shillings, which the
Gentleman gave me. Thus said the Scrivener, was my Master first
beginnings in Cheating, which indeed was but small to these many great
ones, which he soon after acted; of which you shall have an account in
the next Chapter.



                               CHAP. XX.

_He discourses of several of his Masters Cheats, whereby he gets his

With this Stock of 350_l._ my Master set up all his _Knaveries_, and
being unwilling to venture it all in one bottom, he lent a 100_l._ of it
in small sums to House-keepers, which they paid again by the week, and
gave him at least 40_l._ _per Cent._ for the use of it; for if he lent
five pound, they paid it by five shillings _per_ week, and had but four
pound ten shillings for their money, and my Master making the Bond in
another mans name, he had commonly five shillings, and sometimes ten
shillings for _Procuration_, and sometimes I had a shilling or two: thus
did he dispose of some. Others he lent upon _Bommeree_, which was thus:
If he lent ten pound, he was to have fifteen pound for it on such a day,
or the return of such a ship, which should first happen; and though
there was no such ship in the world came home, yet the time would come,
and then it must be paid; and this being counted an adventure, he could
take what interest he pleased, as it is customary with Merchants to
venture upon _Bottomrie_; that is, on the bottom or keel of the ship and
then for security of payment of the money, though the ship should
miscarry, they are wont to insure it at the Insurance-Office; but my
Master needed no such charge or trouble for insuring any ship, for he
was sure the day would come, though the ship never did; and thus did he
make forty or fifty pound in the hundred: but he being once bit and sued
in equity, afterwards took a more strict course, for he seldom lent any
money thus, but he would include in the Condition of the Bond a warrant
to confess a Judgement, upon default of payment: and to be sure when the
time came, and the money not paid, he filed his Bond, which was warrant
to confess Judgement, and thereby obtained a _Scieri facias_, to take
execution on the body or goods of the debtor, who little dreamt thereof,
and then he seized all the penalty, to the undoing of some; and he
seldome lent unto any, but he had two or three bound for security, and
that he might not be blamed nor sued, he made his Bonds and Judgements
in the name of one who was his Confederate, and was was a Prisoner in
the Kings-Bench, so that when the penalty was recovered, it was to no
purpose to sue him. And by degrees being now in Credit, and having
moneys of other persons to dispose of, he would seldome lend any but
upon morgages, because under the pretence of being paid for writings
(which he would be sure to make large enough) he would sometimes take
five pound for procuring a hundred, and say, though indeed six _per
Cent_ was as much as his friend the Usurer would take, yet he was forced
every six moneths to present him with somewhat that should be equal to
eight pound _per Cent_, and withal, that he was at charge not only to
imploy one at first to enquire of the Security, but he was at the charge
of a Coach to go to see the estate, and then he will reckon so much for
his pains, so much for loss of time, so much for writings, and so much
for expences, and so much for expedition, and all this must be deducted
out of the money: when the six moneths came that the money was due, then
he must have the interest, and so much for _Continuation_; and this was
a courtesie if he let them go so: but if the borrower came not, and
readily at the time brought the interest and _Continuation_-money, he
had several wayes to bring them in, for suddenly a _Declaration_ of
Ejectment was drawn up and delivered to the Tenant or Tenants in
possession of the premises, who being frighted at the matter, presently
goes to the Landlord, who sensible of the matter, hies him to us. If
this will not do, then an Officer is feed to enter an Action and Arrest
the Borrower, who then is forced to come and comply upon extraordinary
disadvantageous terms; for after much entreaty, my Master may be
perswaded to continue it, the interest-money being paid, as also
_Continuation_-money, charge of _Declarations_ of Ejectment (for which
we will rekon five or ten shillings paid to an Attorney, though it were
done by my Master, or me by his command) it may be twenty shillings, or
forty shillings, for the Arrest, though it may be not above half a Crown
was paid for it; and then there must be at least twenty shillings, or
forty shillings, to my Master for his pains, and if the borrower be not
willing to pay all this charge, then will my Master see an Attorney in
earnest, and proceed upon the _Declaration_ of Ejectment, and in short
time get the possession of the estate: and thus put the poor borrower to
ten pound charge, and if he refuse to pay this, he shall fair worse; for
although in equity the lender of the money can hold the premises no
longer in his hands than till he is paid his Debt, Interest, and charges
out of the rent, yet my Master will so order the matter, that the
borrower shall never have the estate again; for (pretending that the
lender wanted his money, and was forced to sell the estate to raise it)
he will pass it away to another, a Confederate, for the bare money,
interest, and charges that is due on it, or it may be, five or ten pound
more; and this is all the poor borrower can get in equity, which will
cost him more the recovering than it is worth. Thus have we often had an
estate worth two hundred pound, for only fifty pound and interest, and
the poor borrower is forced to be quiet, not having any remedy. When an
estate is mortgaged to us, we seldom let it go out of our hands; for if
the money lent be not brought and paid just on the day, then we put the
borrower off till the next six moneths, refusing to deliver up the
writings, and then it becomes forfeited, so that we force them to sell
it to us, or give extraordinary fees, to cause us to release our
interest; especially if we discover it to be sold to another, we refuse
to shew the writings, and so weary out the borrower with delays and
pretences, _&c._ But this was but small game, to what we after played,
as I shall presently tell you, for the 350_l._ being all put out in
parcels, and though they often returned with profit enough, yet it was
very hard to get 400_l._ together to pay the money that was borrowed,
for now it had been lent a year, and the Usurer, though he hath never so
good security, yet he loves to see his money sometimes, especially when
he deals with a stranger, as the man was that borrowed it; and though my
Master might have cheated him of his money, yet he was unwilling so to
give over, but proceed in his Trade which had gained him so much:
wherefore my Master upon search and inquiry, found that the same Company
(whose Seal he had Counterfeited) had a parcel of Land in the Countrey,
not far from _London_, which they had let to a wealthy Citizen, who had
given over Trading for some years, and now lived in the Country: My
Master getting the particulars of this Land soon makes a Lease, and with
the help of his Counterfeit Seal, makes it authentick, so that without
much trouble he procures a thousand pound to be lent upon it by another
Usurer who lived private, and the business was so ordered, that the
Usurer was well enough contented without seeing the Land: my Master gave
his old Confederate forty pound to personate the borrower, and then he
paid in the four hundred pound that was formerly borrowed, so that only
he thereby engaged that Usurer to him, who now had so good an opinion of
my Master, that he soon made it up fifteen hundred pound, and desired
him to procure him either good security, or a purchase for it: all which
was done in a fair way, to the Usurers content, and my Masters profit;
and thus did our Trade increase, my Master getting much money, and many
a Crown, and half piece came into my pocket; for he knowing that I was
privy to the first Cheat, did humor me very much, and took his Son off
from abusing me, and caused every body that borrowed money to give me
some gratuity for expedition, so that I had money enough, and the
keeping of all my Masters Cash is committed to my charge: My Master had
one rare contrivance lately, which I will tell you of whilst it is in my
minde; and thus it was, he had a Kinswoman who had long lived with him,
and some moneys he had of hers in his hands, which was a Legacy formerly
given her by another. This Maid being Courted by a Shop-keeper in way of
Marriage, the match went forwards, and was agreed upon on these terms;
the Shop-keepers Father was to give him a hundred pound in money to put
him into Stock, and my Master was to give his Kinswoman fifty pound,
this being agreed on, my Master takes the young man aside, and thus
discourses him: _Young man, here have I agreed to give fifty pound with
my Kinswoman, which gains you a hundred pound of your Father, now I
having not ready money by me, must borrow this fifty pound, for which
you must be bound with me, and when it becomes due I will pay it; This I
say you must do without acquainting your Father, and so the business
shall be done, and I pray be a good Husband_, _&c._ The young man soon
consented, the marriage was consummated, and all things went well for a
while, but within twelve months the young couple having run out all, my
Masters Kinswoman came again to her Uncle to acquaint him with their
condition, and desire his advice and assistance; my Master was much
troubled at this chance, for he expected the contrary, and intended to
get back the fifty pound for which end he had the young man bound, that
he might be forced to pay the money, when in a condition; but seeing it
was otherwise, he considered the matter, and wish’d her to send her
Husband to him, and be patient, and make no words, and all should be
well: her Husband according to order came, and after several checks past
for his ill husbandry, he asked him if his Father knew any thing of his
Condition? no, said the young man, I have kept it from his knowledge,
and he thinks I thrive in the world, and is glad of it; well then, said
my Master, you know I gave you fifty pound, for which you were bound,
and indeed it is still unpaid: now if you will be contented to pay that
fifty pound in, I will raise you two hundred pound, so that you shall
have fifty pound more in ready money, and then see how good a Husband
you will be. To this the young man gladly consented, and my Master soon
after took occasion to meet and drink with his Father, and after some
other discourse, they joyntly talked of the young mans thriving in the
world, and were both glad of the match, and good husbandry: but said my
Master, now I think on it, there is now an opportunity of doing him much
good if he had more money, and therefore you would do well to furnish
them; I shall not be backward, replies the Father, upon a good account,
therefore I pray tell me the business: My Master thereupon told him,
that with two hundred pound more he might be bravely settled and
furnished, for the Lease of his House is to be sold, and I can get it
for a hundred pound, and that is a rich penny-worth, and the other
hundred pound, I would have him to lay out in furnishing his shop more
plentifully, than now it is. Truly reply’d the old man, this would do
well: but I have no money at present, neither if I had, should I be
willing to part from any more than a hundred pound at a time; Well for
that, said my Master, if you please, I will manage the matter: Thus will
I procure two hundred pound for the young man; nay, and I have so great
a love for him, that I will be bound with him and you for it, and when
it shall be due, you shall only pay a hundred pound of the money, and
your Son the t'other: To this the old man after some pause, and a little
consideration consented, the business was done, and the money paid. My
Master indeed being acquainted with the Landlord of the young man’s
House, gained a Lease of it for eighty pound, and made the young man
allow a 100_l._ and deducting the fifty pound he had formerly given him,
he gave him the t'other fifty pound. Thus had my Master his fifty pound
again, and twenty pound for his pains in the business. When the money
became due, my Masters Confederate, the Usurer, in whose name the Bond
was made, demanded the money of the young man, where there was none to
be had; and the old man was willing to pay only a hundred pound of it
according to Contract, where shall I have the rest, said the Usurer? why
truly said the old man, if my Son cannot pay you, then let his wives
Uncle, meaning my Master: But course was soon taken otherwise, and my
Master being first, and principle in the Bond, made no more ado, but
confessed Judgement, and thereupon Execution was taken out against them
all, but served only upon the old man, who was forced to pay all the
money. Thus my Master, by being principle in the Bond saved himself,
regained the fifty pound he had formerly lent, and gained twenty pound,
besides making of Writings; and this, said he, will serve to help my
Kinswoman when I see occasion. I having heard him with good attention,
and considering with my self my own petty Rogueries, and how
inconsiderable they were in comparison of what he had related to me,
could not but burst out into admiration, and told him, that I saw the
world was an absolute Cheat: and now I find that saying to be verified
which I had often heard, That the World consisted but of two sorts,
_Knaves_ and _Fools_, and that the one lived by out-witting and Cheating
the other; and if there were any honest men, they were such as onely
lived a contemplative life, and dealt not in this world; their whole
thoughts being taken up in the Contemplation of another; Truly, reply’d
the Scrivener, if you had known so much as I of all sorts of people (for
we deal with people of all Qualities and Professions) you would conclude
so indeed: and as the poor mans ability will not carry him high enough
to Cheat so much at first, so he attempting it, and being discovered, is
quite lost: but if a rich man, or any who had success in _Knavery_ sets
upon it to get an Estate, it is soon compassed, and the folly and
easiness of many honest borrowers enriches the Knavish lender. Thus we
both concluded, as sufficiently evidenced by the Examples he had given
me: and therefore I desired him to proceed, which he did in this manner.



                               CHAP. XXI.

_He proceeds in discovering several considerable Cheats of his Masters,
  whereby he grows very rich: also some Cheats of his own, and so

My Master (continued the Scrivener) being now possessed of a thousand
pound in ready money, there fell out an opportunity of good advantage;
(and I have observed it, that there is no loss, but profit enough to be
gained in keeping five hundred pound alwayes in a readiness in Cash,
especially in our Trade, where so many offers for sale of Land and
Houses are daily made.). The Landlord of my Masters House was lately
dead, and his Son and Heir being a wild blade, soon spent all the ready
money his Father left, and all the Debts he could well get in; and now
to selling of some of his Houses he must go, and my Master being known
to be a moneyed man, and a Scrivener, was thought the best Customer: He
therefore propounds borrowing of five hundred pound, but my Master being
now possessed of a round sum, and hoping to have a good penny-worth, was
very willing to buy. The young man and some friends were unwilling, and
could not agree upon terms, and my Master at last consents to lend the
money, provided he may have a mortgage of all that estate in that place,
which amounted to two hundred pound _per annum_, was worth three
thousand pound, and said he, you shall not need to make me an absolute
assignment or sale of it all, only a Lease at a Pepper Corn a year for
one and twenty years: But to confirm it, and for a Collateral security,
you must give me a Statute Staple, to which our young man and his
friends consented. The Lease was made, and a Statute for a thousand
pound entred into, and the money paid and lent for six moneths only. The
noise of this, and my Masters other Trading, brought him into great
esteem both with lenders and borrowers, so that his _Name_ being up, he
may lie a bed till noon, and yet get money enough. A purchase of Land in
the Country was offered, and my Master bought it for a thousand five
hundred pound, of which he borrowed upon a Lease of part of it. The six
moneths quickly came about wherein his young Landlord was to pay the
five hundred pound: but (according to my Masters expectation) he failed,
and then it was to be sold, my Master agreed to give two thousand five
hundred pound for it, and so they struck up a bargain, five hundred he
had received before, a thousand pound he made a shift to borrow upon the
mortgage of the Land he had lately purchased; (for, though as I told you
he borrowed five hundred pound of the money when he purchased the Land,
and gave a mortgage of part of it for security, yet he keeping the
principal Writings in his hands, concealed that mortgage, and now
borrowed a thousand pound more of it) five hundred pound more he raised
in ready money of his own, which was two thousand pound, and for the
other five hundred pound, the remainder of the two thousand five hundred
pound: his young Landlord took his Bond for the money, not questioning
his security for five hundred pound, that could pay two thousand pound
ready money, neither indeed had he occasion as yet for it. This being
concluded, the money being paid, and writings seal’d, my Master would
not remember to give up the Statute he had for a thousand pound, but he
had another now for five thousand pound for security of his bargain, and
the young man never so much as desired a _Defeazance_ upon the Statute,
but mark what follow’d. The youngster in short time, keeping riotous
company, wasting his body as well as purse, died; and his younger
Brother seized on his estate that was unspent: and among other things,
on my Masters Bond of five hundred pound, and soon after demanded it;
though my Master at first was non-plus’d, yet he soon bethought him of a
way how to discharge and acquit himself of it: and thereupon returned
this answer. It is very true, your Brother and I had much dealing, and I
did give him such a Bond which I am ready to pay to his Executor, which
you tell me you are, provided you pay me what he likewise owed unto me:
why, reply’d the young man, did he owe you any moneys? yea, said my
Master; and whereas you produce a Bond, which is indeed a very good
speciality, I shall produce somewhat that is higher, and indeed the
highest security that can be given for any Debt, and that is a Statute
Staple: and thereupon he produced one Statute first, that was given for
a thousand pound upon borrowing of the five hundred pound; nay, but said
the young man, I suppose that this was part of the money that was for
the purchase of your dwelling house and others; for that, said my Master
I can shew you a particular Receipt for all the money under his hand and
seal, and also a general acknowledgment in the Deed of conveyance:
wherefore this money I must have you pay me first, and afterwards I
shall talk with you further; what do you mean by further talk said the
young man? why, said my Master, I mean to have of you all that your
Brother owed me, which is much more than you think for: for he and I had
great dealings together for a greater sum of money than all this, as I
shall further shew you; and thereupon he produced the second Statute,
which was for five thousand pound. This demand of my Masters so vexed
the young man, that he departed, and soon began his course at Law
against my Master, but he took a wrong sow by the ear, for he finding
whereabouts he intended on his two Statutes, was too quick for this
youngster, and gained a _Liberate_, which he delivered to the Sheriff,
who served it upon all the estate of the deceased; so that by this means
all that was unspent of the dead young mans estate (amounted in Land to
the value of four thousand pound) came to my Masters hands, and yet he
sayes he is unsatisfied: and the young man the Brother of the deceased
cannot help it, for by this means he is bereft of all Estate to go to
Law: and when money and means is wanting, friends are scarce; besides, I
know not how he can avoid it, his Brother not having taken a
_Defeazance_, as he ought to have done. Here was a matter worth playing
the _Knave_ for, and would induce some men to leave off: but my Master
had so good success in his proceedings, that he is resolved to proceed
in them. The money that he borrowed on all the Mortgages, both
Counterfeit Leases and others, he soon paid off, and yet left himself
worth above three hundred pound _per annum_, and money in his purse.
Thus having a good estate, and now being full of imployments, both for
buying, selling, borrowing, and lending: he always keeps a good Bank of
money. If any purchase of Land come at twelve or thirteen years
purchase, he buyes it, because he knows of a Customer that will give
fifteen or sixteen. And thus he will gain five hundred pounds in a weeks
time. We lately had one business worth all the rest, and which hath now
made him weary of getting money: A Knight having a Lordship in the
Country worth two thousand pound _per annum_, comes first to borrow
money, and grants a Lease and Statute upon the borrowing of two thousand
pound: this my Master lent himself of his own money, the Knight within a
moneth or two being to marry a Daughter, wants two thousand pound more,
which was likewise promised on the same security: by this time my Master
was somewhat drained of his ready money, and knowing that the Knight
would soon be with him again, he casts about how to raise more: which
thus he does, he borrows 1500_l._ upon a Lease of part of his purchase,
of his dwelling house and others, and keeps the grand Writings in his
hands; he borrows a thousand pound on his Land in the Country, and of
another party he borrows fifteen hundred pound more upon a Lease of part
of his purchase of his dwelling house and others, keeping still the
grand Writings in his hands: and thus having eight thousand pound ready
money, he goes to the Knight, and upon treaty, agrees to give him thirty
two thousand pound for his estate, which price being concluded on, he
borrows two thousand pound upon his dwelling house and others, and then
parts from the grand Writings, and Covenants that the estate is free of
Incumbrances, though he had twice mortgaged it in part: and thus having
raised ten thousand pound, he borrows twelve thousand pound more upon
part of his new purchase, and the Knight is contented to take the
t'other ten thousand pound in full of the purchase, at two six moneths,
and only takes my Masters Bond: this was lately settled and agreed upon,
and all Writings made, and I doubt the Knight will come short of his
money; for my Master hath so many Statutes which the Knight never dreams
of, having still given them without taking _Defeazances_, that I believe
he will be cut off from his Debt, and so must the _Usurer_ that lent my
Master the twelve thousand pound upon a mortgage of part of his new
Lordship; for my Master being resolved to make this a piece of wit, and
to do his utmost to cheat them all, did the next day after the Purchase
was made, and Writings sealed, cause us to sit up all night, and make an
absolute bargain and sale of all that his new purchase to two friends in
trust, for the use of his Children, so that the Usurer who lent his
twelve thousand pounds, had not his Writings of Assignments sealed till
a week or ten dayes after, and when the time comes for payment, he may
be chous’d and defeated of all, and my Master being Master of an Estate
of two thousand pounds _per annum_, may live and laugh at them all for
their credulity; for he hath so ordered it that the Law cannot touch the
Estate, it may only reach his person, and as for that, we know it is but
a _Kings-Bench_ matter, and there he may live all his life time, and
spend like a Lord, and when he dies his Debts are paid, and his Estate
goes to his Children. But if he hath success for two or three more such
businesses as this last, he need not do so, but leave the Cheat to the
last Cast, and grow infinitely rich, as I question not but he will.

Thus, said our Scrivener, have I given you an account of my Masters way
to get money, and I have not been without mine: he would many times
permit me to cheat a little, because I assisted him and was privy to his
concerns. I have one way that brings me in twenty or thirty pounds _per
annum_; for all Deeds of Bargain and Sale are to be Enrolled in six
moneths after the date, either in _Chancery_, if it be Land or Houses
out of _London_, or in _Guild-Hall_, if within _London_ or the Liberties
thereof; and I was once forced to trot to _Chancery-lane_ four or five
times for one Deed before I could get it done, and when it was done, all
that was to be seen on the Deed was, _Inrolled_ such a Day and Year in
_Chancery_, _per me_ such a one. I seeing that, learned to write the
Hand, they use in Endorsing, and for the future only writ it my self on
the back side to shew our Clients, and that was sufficient; for not one
in a thousand is search’d for, and this is only done in case the Deed be
lost, so that I now have got the trick on't to write on the back-side my
self, and put that money the Register should have into my own pocket,
and that is a pretty quantity, for an indifferent Deed comes to twenty
shillings, at so much _per_ Roll. Forty other wayes have I to get
moneys, and indeed I need not invent wayes, for our Trade is so great
for _Procuration_ and _Continuation_, and such like, that I get money
enough more than I can well tell how to spend.

I will now conclude, onely tell you a story or two, how I have initiated
my self in this Art of _Knavery_, for my time being suddenly to expire,
I thought it necessary to try some expedients how I might live hereafter
when I came to be for my self; and knowing that my Master could not do
any thing at first without a Confederate (some body to help and assist
him) I procured the like: We had many indigent persons that came to
borrow money, some Gentlemen, others decayed and decaying Citizens;
amongst the rest a Master of a Ship, who had made so many broken voyages
that he could make no more, for he had wearied all his Friends with
holding parts of Ships with him to their great loss; but he holding to
the Proverb, _That a Sea-man is never broken till his neck is broken_,
was resolved to try his fortune one bout more, and had now with the help
of Friends made a shift to buy an old Barque of near a hundred Tun, in
which he was minded to go to Sea, partly as a Man of War, and withal to
bring home prohibited Goods from _France_. This man was an earnest
suiter to borrow an hundred pounds upon _Bottomry_, or any wayes, to
victual and fit his Ship; I finding him ingenious, after some conference
with him, and he being willing for any Undertaking, we concluded to go
half snips in the profit of his Voyage, and I would furnish him with
moneys to his content: I soon perswaded an easie friend of mine who had
more money than wit, to lend our Captain an hundred pounds, promising
him great profit, and indeed he was to have fifty in the hundred for
that Voyage, which was to be finished in two moneths, and I told him
that he might ensure his money at the _Ensurance Office_, which he did
accordingly. Our Captain being furnished with a hundred pound of the
Usurer, I made bold with an hundred pound more of my Masters, which
could not soon be missed out of the Cash, and with this the Ship was so
bravely fitted and provided with all Necessaries, that he was offered
Fraights enough. At last he concluded with one to bring over some rich
Goods, and the times being dangerous at Sea, by reason of Men of War at
Sea, he ensured five hundred pounds upon the Ship.

The Ensurers knowing this, and that the man who ensured was a
substantial Merchant, mistrusted nothing; but likewise ensured five
hundred pounds more to the Captain, because he had laid out much in
fitting the Ship, and did it as he pretended for satisfaction of the
Owners. All things being thus fitted, our Captain leaving his Policy or
Deed of Ensurance with me, put out to Sea, arrived at his Port, received
the Goods on Board, but having a parcel of trusty Blades with him, and
some who had shares in the purchase, he puts the best part of the
Merchandize on Board of a small Barque he had hired for that purpose,
and that being sent ashore to another Port, he soon after ran his Ship
ashore in such a place as he was not likely to come off, and there she
perished, he and his companions getting on shore with some small matter
of Goods in the Long-boat: He being arrived on shore, soon writ word to
me how he had sped, and I being acquainted very well with the Ensurers,
perswaded them to pay me the money he had ensured first, upon some small
rebate; and he on the other side selling the Merchandize on shore, put
it into other commodities and sent them home, and himself came home as a
distressed passenger, and here the Ensurers paid for all: Such bouts as
these they sometimes met with, and that so often, that now adayes when a
Merchant hath ensured, he had need to ensure on the Ensurers, and some
have done so.

When our Captain came home, we privately met and shared our profit, and
by this I gained two hundred pounds for my share, and this was a good
beginning; and though I hazarded to Sea, yet there was less hazard then
my Master underwent in his first attempt in Counterfeiting a Companies
Seal; for should he have been discovered, sorrow would have been his
sops. I have now and then had five or ten pound given me at a time for
altering a Will, and putting in more as Legacy to one than the Testator
intended, and this I would venture on without much hazard, if the
Testator were sick to death. My Master once made a Will, and instead of
another, made himself Executor, and I and one more of the Confederacy
were witnesses to it, by this means he gained near three hundred pound.

I have oftentimes had a Piece or two given me to make Writings in favour
of one man more than another; for in a Lease, if Rent reserved be
100_l._ _per annum_, and there be no Covenant for payment of the Rent,
when either of the parties die, if any Rent be behind due to the Lessee,
it cannot be recovered by the Executors, Administrators, or Assigns of
the Lessor, because there was no Covenant between them in behalf of
their Executors, Administrators and Assigns; and it hath been usual in
all ancient Leases to leave that Covenant out as needless, but now
people are grown wiser by experience.

In arbitration between parties there is much cunning and knavery to be
used, in drawing up an Award, or final End; for the Scrivener, if he be
a friend to, or favour either of the parties, shall do it so as that it
shall be void, or not authentick, or not obliging to one of the parties,
and yet the Arbitrators who are commonly honest harmless men, think they
have done their business, when as they have only made more work for

In _Counter-Bonds_ there may be much partiality used, as also in
_Letters of Attorney_, only putting in _his use_, for _my use_, entitles
the Attorney to receive all to his own use without any account; and such
a thing as this is often slipt over, or not understood, and many a good
piece and Half-piece comes into our pockets in a year for these actions.

It was like to go very hard with one of my Masters acquaintance not long
since, for he being skilled in counterfeiting of Hands, did very
artificially counterfeit a Citizens Hand (with whom he had some small
dealing) to a Bond of 400_l._ to pay 200_l._ with interest at a day, and
when the time came he asked him before some company to pay him that
money that he then owed him: Yes, said the Citizen, I shall do it next
week, meaning a small sum which he did directly owe him, and did then
pay him, but the other then telling him of his Bond of 400_l._ and the
Citizen directly denying it, a Suit was commenced, and Tryal was had at
the _Kings-Bench_ Bar in _Westminster-Hall_, where the innocent Citizen
(seeing the confidence of the Witnesses, and indeed his own hand, as he
supposed, to the Bond, which he could not deny but it was so, or very
like) and having nothing to say, in a passion cryed out in open Court,
_to desire God to revenge his Cause, for he was utterly and absolutely
wronged_. This being so solemnly protested, made not only the Judge but
the Jury a little more inquisitive into the matter than ordinary, and
called for some papers to compare the hand with other of his
handwriting, but no difference could be found therein. The Bond thus
passing about to every one of the Jury, one of them viewing the Bond
more narrowly than ordinary, craved leave of the Judge to be discharged
of his place as a Jury-man, and to be admitted & sworn as a Witness; for
my Lord, saith he, I can say somewhat to the matter. This his request
was assented to, and he being sworn, began in this manner, _My Lord,
this Bond here in Court is pretended to be made, sealed, and delivered
nine moneths since, when, my Lord, this Paper whereon it is written,
hath not been in_ England _above four moneths_. How do you know that?
said my Lord. The Jury-man replyed, _My Lord, I am a_ Stationer _or_
Paper-seller, _and to all Paper there are several marks whereby we know
and distinguish them; As_ Pot, Piller, Crown, Cardinals-Armes, &c. _and
my Lord, this being such a sort of Paper was made by a young man in_
France, _whose mark is here, and none of it came over till within these
four moneths_. At this the Judge was satisfied, all people wondred, the
Defendant rejoyced, and the Plaintiff with his Swearers were forced to
sneak out of the Court, and could not presently be heard of.

I once was called to make a Will, and the party lying speechless,
another there present dictated to me, telling me, that the sick man he
was sure would consent to what he said, which I believing, proceeded and
finished the Will, but when I came to have him sign it, I saw that he
was dead: well, said the party that dictated, if you will be ruled by
me, this Will shall stand, and yet nobody forswear themselves, and said
he to me, you shall have a good reward for your consent. I being ready
to receive money, promised him my consent; whereupon, saith he, read the
Will, so I did: well, saith he, you see the party doth not at all
contradict what is here written, & now he shall set his hand and seal
thereto, which he did by guiding the dead mans hand: now, saith he, if
you be questioned, you may safely swear that you read the Will to him,
and he consented, or at leastwise did not contradict, and that you saw
him with his own hand sign, seal, and deliver the same. Well sir, said
I, if you are content I am; and thereupon he giving me the promised
reward, I subscribed as Witness, and left him, who soon after by vertue
of this Will possessed himself of the Estate. I had seen this trick of
putting a dead mans hand to Writings done two or three times before, and
so this was no new thing, and would not contradict any thing that was to
turn to my profit.

I could tell you thousands of these Cheats, and indeed, as one said,
there is more mischief done with a dash of the Pen, than with any thing
else in the way of Knavery and Cheating. Thus did our Scrivener conclude
his Discourse, and we calling for another pint of Wine and a Faggot,
drank and warmed our selves, and so for that time parted.


                              CHAP. XXII.

_The Book-sellers Prentice gives an account of his Masters first tricks
  in Cheating, by Printing Books that were other mens Copies._

After this conference with the Scrivener, I went home; and as he told
me, my saying to my Master that I had been with him was sufficient, so I
found it; for I was asked no more Questions, but went to bed; and there
did I recollect to my self, all that he had that evening told me: and
though I could not perfectly remember the several terms of Art he used,
as Judgement, Execution, _Scire facias_, Statute, Procuration, and
Continuation, _&c._ Yet I was sensible of their meaning, and did very
much wonder, how any man could sleep being guilty of so many crimes as
he and his Master were; yet I found that they slept the better, or at
leastwise fared the better, by reason of their great wealth; and then
did I compare my forepassed life, to what I had heard of them, and it
was not worth mentioning; so that from that time, I had a more
charitable opinion for my self then formerly. And since I had so good
success with my Scrivener, I was resolved to be a little more intimate
with the rest of the Society, especially the Book-seller, that I might
know how he gained his Money: and the next day I had my desire; for
meeting him abroad, we went to an Ale-house, and there did I discover to
him part of my yesterdays actions with the Scrivener, and thereby
induced him to make me this following Discourse.

Truly Brother (for so we called one another) you have told me wonders,
though so admirable, that I could not have thought so much crafty
knavery could have been committed by any man breathing, though I did
believe that there was more then I understood, having always heard that
it was a dangerous thing to squeeze Wax, and that Scriveners in general
were cunning fellows, but that any man out of nothing should by tricks
and subtile contrivances, gain to himself so great an Estate, and yet
not run into the compass of the Law, but now I see the Proverbs
verified, _Nothing venture, nothing have, and that a blot is no blot
till it be hit, and give a man luck and throw him into the Sea_. And
although I have thought my Master a man cunning and crafty enough, and
did believe that he who deals in Books could not be outwitted, yet I see
that a piece of Parchment with a seal to it, is better then a great many
Books, nay then a whole Impression: but that I may give you some
satisfaction in what you desire, I shall proceed in my Discourse; and
though I cannot tell you so many, nor so profitable contrivances as you
have related to me, yet those of our calling deserve not to go much
behind, and we do our utmost good will to cheat, though it turns not to
so good an account.

My Master when I came to Prentice had but a small stock of Books, and
those were all in his Shop, with which, together with some paper,
parchment, pens, and such like Stationers ware, he made a shift to pick
up an indifferent livelihood; but he being of a reaching brain, and
seeing there were very rich people, such as gained great Estates, and
lived bravely of the same trade: he made it his business to inquire into
their way: the most sorts of Books that we sold were Testaments,
Psalters, Grammars, Accidences, and such books as we call Priviledged
ware, and indeed were Printed for the Company in general, and to be had
of some of the Stock-keepers, or masters of the Company, or at the Hall,
and though our profit in selling these sorts of books was but small, as
not above two pence in the shilling, yet it was a certain commodity, and
the sale sure: whereas other books; either of Divinity, History, _&c._
were not so certain, though more profitable, as commonly bringing four
pence in the shilling profit, and thus did we continue buying books of
other book-sellers, as we were asked for them, and had occasion; my
Master commonly keeping to one man, because he could there be trusted
and furnished, with any book he wanted, it fortuned that a new book
being printed, a small thing of about four or five sheets of paper: it
sold so well, that my Master went often for them to his wonted place:
one time they had none of them left, but desiring my Master to stay,
they would send for some; which my Master did, but the Messenger came
back without any, and brought word that he should not have any more of
them upon account or exchange, for he now held them at ready Money, and
that he would have, or part from none; well then, said my Master, I will
go thither and buy some my self. No, said the Master of the shop, you
shall not need, I’le send for some this once with ready Money, and you
shall have them cheaper of me then of him; and so he did, and he
received them and told me, that if he wanted any more, he could be very
well furnished with them within three or four days, and the other had
been better not to have served him so; but the book selling very well,
all my masters were gone that night; and I went my self to the
bookseller who printed them for some, the which I had; but the next day
I went again, he had none, and told me that I could not have any in a
weeks time. I acquainted my Master herewith, who being called upon for
some of them, went to his old place to see if they had any, they told
him they had none at present, but to morrow he might have what number he
pleased, accordingly the next day I went, and brought fifty of them with
me; and then my Master (beginning to suspect that which he afterwards
found out) sent me to the booksellers who printed them, and he had none,
wherefore he then concluded that the bookseller with whom he was wont to
deal had printed them, though they were none of his Copy, at which he
wondred: for the greater sort of booksellers did use to inform us that
it was a most heinous and unlawful thing to print another mans Copy, so
that I think, this was the first time that my master discovered this
Mystery, for the Book continuing to sell, we sold in our Shop above five
hundred of them; so that my Master begining to consider with himself,
reckoned that he had payd to his Dealer above five pounds for these
Pamphlets, and yet got very well by them too: wherefore not long after
coming into the company of a Printer, he asked what it would cost to
print 2000 of a Book of five Sheets of paper: the Printer replyed, Ten
pound: by this my master guessed that his Dealer had gained half in half
by him: for he had paid for 500, half what 2000 would cost. My Master
holding some further Discourse with this Printer over a pot of Ale, he
told him that he did work for such a man, naming the Bookseller with
whom my Master dealt, and saith he, I lately did two sheets for him of a
book he gained well by, for I printed 5000 for my share: so that at
length, after conference together, they concluded it was the same book
my Master sold so many of, and that he had printed it in three or four
places for expedition, and that he could not gain less then 30_l._ by
printing it: I but says my Master, how will he do to answer it to the
other man whose Copy it was? For that, said the Printer, he will do well
enough, for the other is but a young man, and light upon his Copy by
chance; and though the Law forbids such doings, as the printing one
anothers Copies, yet the great ones commonly devour and eat up the
little ones, and will venture on it being but a small thing; and it may
be this young man is indebted to the other: and indeed it is a usual
thing, and we do such Jobbs very frequently, especially for the Grand
ones of the Company. But how comes it, said my Master, that some or
other do not print their Copies, as Testaments, Psalters, _&c._ As for
that, said the Printer, it is very dangerous, for if they were taken, it
belonging to the whole Company, they would be sure to seize on it, and
sue the party so offending; besides, the books are too big for every one
to venture on, & will lie too long in hand a doing; but sometimes such
things are done, but in another way, as I can tell. Thus ended my Master
and the Printer their Discourse of this matter, and my Master desired
the printer to call on him some times, and he would drink with him; and
it may be have some employment for him, and thus they parted. My Master
now understanding thus much of his Trade, more than formerly, was
resolved it should not be long ere he were doing somewhat: thus
pondering in his mind, he could not tell what design to begin with, for
we sold very little but priveledged Ware, and those it was dangerous
medling with, neither would my Masters stock reach to any thing
considerable; at last resolving to play at small game rather then stand
out, he bethought himself, and resolved to print the _A B C_, a little
Childs book of a sheet of paper: he knew not then what printer to
intrust, for he durst not make use of the former Printer, lest he should
acquaint his Dealer; but it was not long ere he light upon one fit for
his purpose, and to work he went, my master sending in paper, and so
they were printed, delivered, and paid for, but when my Master had them,
he knew not how to dispose of them, lest he should be caught; but that
he might have the better pretence, he went and bought 300 of them of his
Dealer, and so laying them by, sold his own, and being acquainted with a
primer-binder, he got him to exchange with him for primers, and such
like small books he was rid of most of them to his great profit, for he
gained, as I have heard him say, above five pounds by that jobb, which
was then a great deal of money, and by this means his Shop was better
furnished with small books & paper, and now he had good credit with the
paper-Merchant, which before he could not have. Not long after, the
Printer who had printed the _A B C_ came to him and acquainted him, that
if he would venture a matter of ten pounds, he might be concerned in
printing of a book that would turn to a very good account and it may be
get twenty pound by the bargain: he having had such good success in the
last, ventures upon this, it was a Sermon that then sold very well, and
he had another partner, and my Master having some money by him, and
pretty good credit at the paper-merchants; he found paper, and the other
paid for printing, and at two places it was done in a Week; my master
putting them out in _London_ to the _Mercuries_ and others at one penny
a piece less then the ordinary rate, and his partner dealing with
Country-Chapmen, sent good store away into the Country; and thus, though
this was another mans Coppy, they sold all their books in a short time,
and gained 25_l._ a piece. This was a good beginning, said I to the
Bookseller, and I did not think your Trade had been so profitable; but
now I believe, that these courses being prosecuted, a considerable
Estate may be gained in a short time: that you shall soon hear, replied
he: but the Discourse being somewhat long, I shall for the present end,
and prosecute the rest in the following Chapter.


                              CHAP. XXIII.

_He proceeds in the discovery of his Masters ways in cheating, in
  preferring some Copies, and other ways of getting Copies._

My Master having now had some experience in this way of printing, was
resolved to play above board, and get some Copy or Copies to print, that
he might own; which in short time he did, and glad was he to see his
name in print, supposing himself now to be some body: but these things
did him but little good, and sold but easily, he not having the way of
preferring books, and sending them to some Country Chapmen, and the rest
of the booksellers, who endeavor to crush any beginner, and will not
sell his books, unless they may have them at their own rate, would not
sell any of them for him? and besides, now he gave Mony for his Copies,
the other costing him nothing: and though a book be never so good, they
will not sell with some men, for the others will undervalue and spoil
it: as for example, If my Master had printed at that time the best book
of Chirurgery, Husbandry, Cookery, or the like in the World, and though
the book had been famous enough, so that every one desired it, and asked
at any booksellers shop for it, they would have said to their Customers,
Truly Sir, there is such a book, but in regard it is a foolish idle
thing, and of no weight, I have not any of them, I will not trouble my
shop with them; but Sir, here is another of the same Subject, that is
much better, and in great esteem with ingenious and knowing men: If the
Customer replies he would have only that book and no other, for that it
was recommended to him for an ingenious well-writ piece, then will he
reply, Truly Sir, I never heard any of your judgement before, till now I
was never asked for them; but since you speak so well of it, I will
procure you one: and then it may be, for all this Discourse he will shew
you one, as if left by chance, or else send to his neighbour-bookseller
for one. Thus will he disparage other mens books, and prize his own, and
many times put off some of his own, the buyer being so civil as to
believe him: and this is a general Maxime, That they will not offer, or
prefer a book of any mans printing except their own, unless they have it
either in exchange or at a low rate; and this is the cause that there
are some books as considerable, and good as any in _England_, that did
not sell at first for little better than wast paper, till some of the
Grand ones of the Company get them all into their hands, and then they
sell for three times the price they did. But to leave this Discourse and
proceed, my Master having now printed two or three things, did look upon
himself as somebody; and though he had not such good success in his last
undertakings as before, yet he made a shift to get what they cost him
for paper and print, and had many of them still by him to sell when he
would, or exchange; but he having but two or three sorts of books, could
not do much good upon that: he seeing this, and observing what books
sold best, it being at the beginning of these late Wars, found that
factious Sermons, and such like things would do the business; he
thereupon bestirs himself, and gets acquainted with most of the factious
Priests about Town, by often hearing them and frequenting their
Companies, and having learned to write short-hand, took notes of their
Sermons, which he collected together, and now and then he would get them
to revise one of them, and print it; by this means spending much time
and mony amongst them, he grew very intimate, and was become the general
publisher of most of their Sermons and Controversies. This was that
which brought him great gain, in a short time he could vie with the
best, what he sold not for mony, he exchanged for books: and now he
could command any book in all the Company without mony, upon account, as
is the Custome. His Shop being well furnished, he gets a Ware-house,
where he bestowed his books in quires; and being thus furnished, he was
first spoken to by some Country booksellers, and then writ to by them
and other, for severall books, so that any thing that he printed he
could sell off well enough; for having good hap to print some very good
selling books, they helped away the other that were not so good, and
still were thrust into the parcel among the rest: and now having some
good Authors, he would not accept of every one; and as he formerly had
sought for, and courted Authors to write books for him, now they
(knowing his way of preferring and selling of books) followed, and
courted him to print their books. If a stranger came with a Copy to him,
though never so good, he would tell them he had books enough already;
but however, if they would give him so much money, he would do it, and
they should have two, or three, or six books for themselves and friends:
many a one did he thus perswade out of their mony, being desirous to be
in print. If he had a desire to have any thing writ in History, Poetry,
or any other Science or Faculty, he had his several Authors, who for a
glass of Wine, and now and then a meals Meat and half a Crown, were his
humble servants; having no other hire but that, and six or twelve of
their books, which they presented to friends or persons of Quality; nay,
and when they have had success, if they wanted any more books, they must
pay for them: further I have known some of our Trade, that when a poor
Author hath written a book, and being acquainted with some Person or
persons of Quality whereto he Dedicates and presents it, the Book-seller
will go snips and have half shares of what is so given him. My Master
being now gotten to the height of his Trade, was soon called on to be
one of the Livery of his Company, which though it be somewhat chargeable
at first, yet it soon brings in profit, there being many conveniences
therein; for they have liberty to put in a sum of money into the publike
Stock, and so great is their profit, that they have seldome less then
twenty _per cent_, and then when, they come to be Stock-keepers or
Warden they have the disposing of the Stock-books, such as are
Testaments, Psalters, _&c._ and putting them out to print, they often
print so many over-numbers, that shall serve them as long as they live.
In particular, there is no Trade that I ever heard of, that gets so much
by their Commodity for whatever they print, if it sels, they get eight
pence in the shilling: and for those that deal with Country-Chapmen,
they put off the bad well enough at one time or another; and if they are
very bad, then a new title is printed as if it were a new book; and what
with this and changing, they march off in time.

There was one preacher in _London_ that my Master was much respective
to, for he had gained much money by printing several of his books (and
though my Master in outward appearance seems a Saint, yet he hath his
freaks, and will be merry with his friends, and be prophane enough.) One
Sunday my master having been rambling in the fields, entred the City in
the afternoon just as sermon was done, and seeing this parson going
before him, he stept forwards, and overtaking him, salutes him thus,
Sir, I am glad to see you so well, indeed Sir, you have this day taken a
great deal of pains, and we are all beholden to you for your Soul-saving
Sermon: how say you, said the Parson, what do you mean? Why Sir, I thank
you for your Sermon you preached this afternoon: Nay, now Sir, said the
Parson, I see you are mistaken, for I have not preached this day, my
master hearing this, was wonderfully surprized, not knowing what to say,
but left the Parson and came home discontented at his error. We having
several Country-Chapmen, some whereof owed my master considerable sums
of mony, he took occasion to go into the Countrey, and to be sure, he
would make it worth his Journeys for at every considerable Town he would
buy some books, and sell them at the next, or send them up to _London_,
and sometimes whole Libraries; and he did take order with all his
Chapmen to acquaint him with all Libraries or parcels of books that were
to be sold, which if worth the buying he would have. He would also
frequent the Schools, and by drinking with the School-masters, and
discoursing of books and learned men, he would get their custome to
serve them with School-books. There was one famous Country-Parson whom
he much desired to be acquainted with, and to him he rid, telling him he
was troubled in mind, and desired him to satisfie him in a case of
Conscience, the which he did; and then for his satisfaction, and to
oblige him, he prayed and courted him to see him when he came to
_London_, the which he did, and all this was to get the printing of his
books. If a Customer comes into our Shop to buy a book, he hath such
ways of preferring and recommending of it, that they seldom go and not
buy, for he will open the book, and if it be Divinity, shew them one
place or another, out of which he will preach to them, and tell them,
that very saying or discourse is worth all the money in the world and if
they do not like it when they have read it over, he will take it again:
and so many of our Trade will promise, but you shall hardly ever get
your money again, you may chance to have them exchange it for some other
book, which they will be willing to do if there be money stirring in the
case. My Master having had a book written for him by a Poet, the Author
(not having the wit to make his bargain, and know what he should have
beforehand) when he had finished it, desired payment for his pains: Nay,
said my master, you ought rather to pay me for printing it, and making
you famous in print. Well then, said the Author, if you will not give me
money, I hope you will give me some books. How, said my master, give you
books, what will you have me forswear my Trade, and be a book-giver? I
am a book-seller, and to you I will sell them as soon as to another, if
you will give me money, paper and print costs money, and this was all
the Author could have for his pains. My Master is now one of the
Grandees of the Company, and that besides the ordinary way gets him
something. Not long since, he and others went a searching, and finding
an impression of unlicensed books, seized them, but instead of
suppressing and turning them to wast paper, they divided the greatest
part of them amongst themselves, and immediately my Master sent some of
them away to all his Chapmen, and the rest we sell in the Shop. It so
fell out lately; that a book being to be Printed, my Master repaired to
the Author to get the Copy, but another of the same Trade had been there
before, to whom it was in part promised; but however (out of respect to
my Master) the other being sent for, it was agreed that they should have
the printing of it between them; whereupon one printer was imployed by
them both to do the work. My Master soon after sent for the Printer, and
tells him, You must do me a kindness: Yes Sir, said the printer. It is
this, said my Master, I am to give away to the Authour some Books,
wherefore I would have you to print 200 for me above the number, and do
not tell my Partner, and I will pay you: Yes, said the Printer, and so
he did, and was paid for them accordingly. But the Printer seeing the
knavery of his imployers (for the other had been with him; and engaged
him to print the same number of 200 over, pretending some private use he
had for them) he likewise printed 400 over for his own use, and
publiquely sold them; and neither of them could or would complain of him
to the other, because they knew themselves guilty of the same crime.

One of the greatest pieces of profit the whole Company hath, is the
printing of Almanacks, for by that, I believe, they clear above 1000_l._
_per annum_: but a knavish Printer lately outwitted them, for he printed
a great number of Almanacks, and though he printed but two sorts, yet
they served for all the other sorts, only altering the Title page, at
the beginning, and the last sheet which we call the _Prog_, or
_Prognostication_; and these Almanacks he affording cheaper then
ordinary, as indeed well he might, he sold off a good number of them,
which was to his gain and their great hinderance; but he is lately
discovered, and how they will deal with him I know not.

In the late times of Liberty, when every one printed what they pleased,
if one Bookseller printed a book that sold, another would get it printed
in a lesser Character, and so the book being less in bulk, though the
same in matter, would sell it for a great deal less price, and so
undersell one another: and of late there hath been hardly a good book
but it is epitomized, and for the most part spoiled, only for a little
gain: so that few books that are good, are now printed, only Collections
and patches out of several books; and Booksellers employing the meaner
sort of Authors in spoiling anothers Copies by such Epitomies.

A young man being lately to set up, was a suiter to my Master to speak
to the Company to lend him 50_l._ for a certain time without interest,
as is customary: for there are several sums of money left the Company so
to be disposed of, for the benefit of young beginners. My Master knowing
his power in general, particularly promised to effect his desires,
provided that the young man would agree to lay out his money when
received with him; telling him, he would use him well therein: but
whether he did or no, you may guess, for he kept not open shop above six
moneths before he broke, and is now gone for a Souldier, and the Company
in general likely to loose the money. This, replied I, is one of the
worst acts I have yet heard of, if it were intentionally done, for it is
an abuse of the Donors will; but I see it is not material with some men,
if they get money, how they come by it: but I pray, let me hear the rest
of your story. That you shall, said the Bookseller, but first let us
drink; which he having done, and I pledged, he proceeded, as you may
hear in this following Chapter.


                              CHAP. XXIV.

_The Book-sellers Prentice having discovered his Masters way of
  Cheating, now discovers his own._

Thus, said the Bookseller, have I given you a summary account of the
most part of my Masters dealing, and the main way how he gained his
Estate; for at this time he hath a shop very well furnished with all
sorts of bound Books, and two or three Warehouses full of Books in
quires; he hath above 1000_l._ owing him by Country-Chapmen; some Estate
he hath in Land and Houses, and a very good Stock in the Hall, and all
this is acquired in six years time out of nothing; and in this account
of my Masters dealing, I have acquainted you with the greatest mysteries
of our Trade: but, said I to him, I must confess you have told me those
things I was not only ignorant of, but what I could not have believed
could have been done, and so great an Estate could have been gained by
the bookselling Trade, especially from so small a beginning as an _A B
C_: but all this while the mystery is not disclosed; for though you have
told me how your Master gets money, yet I hear nothing of your gains,
neither indeed can I as yet conjecture how you should be furnished with
money; for I suppose you keep an account of what you receive and pay,
and that your Master takes care to look into his accounts, that no great
matter can be gained that way. 'Tis very true, replied the Bookseller,
he does so; and as he is of a false knavish temper himself, so he is
suspitious of me, and very vigilant and watchful over me: but do you
think, that I who have observed all his ways and crafty dealing, cannot
find a way to be even with him, and put money into my own pocket? and
indeed he does allow of my knavery and craftiness in over-reaching of
others; for he in general is accounted the fittest servant of our Trade,
that can out-wit and over-reach his brother-Bookseller; for it is not so
much our keeping Shop, and selling a few Books to Scholars, Parsons,
Gentlemen, nor sending to Country-Chapmen, for in that we use a constant
price, and there is not much wit or craft to be used therein; but the
craftiest part of our profession consisteth in making an Exchange-note
with other Booksellers to the best advantage; and there is our greatest
prize: for if any of our Chapmen send to us for Books, such as we do not
print, and such as we are not at present furnished withal, then away we
go to that Bookseller who is best furnished with them, and desire to
make a Note with him, which he (being desirous to sort himself with some
of our Books) willingly consents to; then do we commonly pretend least
use for those Books we most want, otherwise we should be sure to go
without them, unless we took many of other sorts, that were little
better then waft paper; and so we, by telling our brother Bookseller
that of such a Book they are almost gone, and the like, we put off the
greatest number of our worst Books, and the fewest of our best; and
being indifferent of taking any quantity of those we most need, we
commonly have most put upon us; and so are furnished with what we
desire: and in this way of exchanging Books for Books, we have the most
occasion of exercising our wits, and many times receive commendations
from our Masters for so doing; and when we meet with one another, the
business being over, triumph over those we have thus outwitted.

This business of Exchanging brings us Prentices acquainted with each
other more then any thing else, for that this matter is commonly left to
our management; and on this acquaintance depends the greatest part of
our profit: for though we can sometimes when we take money in the Shop
put up half a Crown or a Crown for a Book that our Master knows not of,
yet that is but seldome, and little Money is given us, unless it be by
the better sort of Customers, whose Books we carry home, and then
perhaps we may have a shilling or two bestowed on us; but this is
nothing in respect of our other profit, which I shall now tell you of.

We trading for a great deal to Chapmen into the Country, do print very
much, and sometimes one Book is printed very often, and a number of 25
or 50 cannot be so discovered: sometimes we are in fee with the Printer,
procure him to print such a number over for us, which he consents to,
that he may do as many for himself: and then for the manner of our
selling of them, it is by Combination, Confederacy, and Correspondency,
which some of us Apprentices have with each other; for we have our
Warehouse as well as our Master, and are furnished with much variety;
every one of the Combination bringing some quantity to this joynt-Stock,
of what his Master printeth; and then as occasion serveth we furnish
each other: but the chiefest way of making money of these, is by three
or four young Booksellers, who being newly set up do buy them of us, it
may be two pence in the shilling cheaper then they can buy them of our
Masters: we have ready money, or at furthest when they have sold them;
and to this end we have commonly one of these Booksellers in every
considerable place of Trading about Town, and sometimes we employ a
rambling Bookseller to go a Birding, and offer them at places, and
oftentimes our Masters buy some of their own Books of this
Ubiquitarian-Bookseller; and one or two being intrusted with management
of the Stock, gives account to all the rest; and so we divide the
profit; at other times we being employed by our Masters to get in Books
for our Country-Chapmen, we inform them that the Book being out of print
we cannot have it without ready money, and then we being ordered to get
them, (for our Customers must be served) we have them out of our own
Stock, and put the ready money into our pockets. Sometimes I have gotten
fourty or fifty shillings by being partners with one of the young
Booksellers in printing a Pamphlet; and if it be an unlicensed thing, we
sell them privately to Customers in the Shop; if a factious thing, we
have our factious Customers; if obscene or wanton, we accordingly are
provided with those that buy them: and thus with these ways, and some
others which are too long to relate at this time, I can make a shift to
spend fourty or fifty pound a year, to keep my suit of private cloaths,
and to allow my Wench eight shillings a week, to whom I constantly pay
that Portion; and I think my share of the Stock at present may amount to
fourty pound. And thus you see, that though so many thousands go through
the Scriveners hands, and so few through mine, yet I can make a shift to
get some money out of our paper, as well as he out of his parchment; and
I doubt not, but when I come out of my time, to do as well as the best
of our trade; for having learnt so much in this Art, I question not but
I shall put it in practice to my advantage.

Thus did he put an end to his Discourse; and drinking a Pot or two more
of Beer, having had some other merry discourse about the Scriveners
Wench, and such like other matters, we parted; he, to go meet with some
of his brother Booksellers, to take account of their private Stock; and
I, to my Masters about my ordinary Imployments, still ruminating in my
mind of all the passages that these two Blades the Scrivener and
Bookseller had related to me; and from thence did conclude, that I
should find all the rest of our Clubbing-brethren stored with the same
Discourses; and now I meditated on nothing more then how I might get
money enough, for that was the only thing that made crooked things
straight; and if a man have enough of that, he may defie all men. It can
make knees bow, and tongues speak against the native genius of the
groaning heart; it supples more then oyl or fomentations, and can
stiffen beyond the Summers Sun, or the Winters white-bearded cold. In
this we differ from the ancient Heathen; they made _Jupiter_ their chief
God, and we have crowned _Pluto_. He is Master of the _Muses_, and can
buy their Voyce; the _Graces_ wait on him, _Mercury_ is his Messenger,
_Mars_ comes to him for pay, _Venus_ is his prostitute; he can make
_Vesta_ break her vow, he can have _Bacchus_ be merry with him, and
_Ceres_ feast him when he lists; he is the sick mans _Æsculapius_, and
the _Pallas_ of an empty brain; nor can _Cupid_ cause Love, but by his
Golden-headed Arrow. Money is a general man, and without doubt
excellently parted: _Petronius_ describes his Qualities.

           _Quisquis habet nummos, secura naviget aura:
             Fortunamque suo temperet arbitrio.
           Vxorem ducat Danaen, ipsumque licebit
             Acrisium jubeat credere quod Danaen:
           Carmina componat, declamat, concrepat, omnes
             Et peragat Causas, fitque Catone prior.
           Jurisconsultus, paret, non paret: habeto;
             Atque esto, quicquid Servius aut Labeo
           Multo loquar: quidvis nummis præsentibus opta,
             Et veniet: clausum possidet Arca Jovem._

           _The Monyed-man can safely sayl all Seas,
           And make his fortune as himself shall please:
           He can wed_ Danae, _and command that now_
           Acrisius _self that fatal Match allow:
           He can declaim, chide, censure, Verses write,
           And do all things better then_ Cato _might.
           He knows the Law, and rules it, hath and is
           Whole_ Servius, _and what_ Labeo _could possess.
           In brief, let rich men wish whatsoere they love,
           'Twill come, they in a lock’d Chest keep a_ Jove.

And to conclude, as it commands Gods and Goddesses, so all sorts of men
and women are obedient to him that has the command of this God Money;
and therefore I was resolved to put in for a share of it.


                               CHAP. XXV.

_The Relater with the Scrivener and Bookseller and their Wenches being
  merry in a Tavern, fall out with other Company, and are sent by an
  Alderman to the Counter. The Relater in revenge cheats the Alderman of
  his Scarlet Gown, which is converted into Petticoats for the three

I having thus gained an intimate acquaintance with all these my
Brother-Clubbers, did set forth my own good parts; and they having been
open with me in the discovery of their manner of living, and how they
furnished themselves with money even to superfluity, I was as free to
them in relating many actions of my forepassed life; by which means they
found me the more fit for their society: and I having passed through
variety of conditions, as having been of several Trades, and informing
them of several mysterious Cheats which I had performed in them, they
all took a very great liking to me; but there was none whom I so much
affected as the Scrivener and Bookseller, because I found them the best
stored with money; and I often accompanied them to their Wenches, where
we had extraordinary Treatments, and such Company as exceeded all the
rest; for I had my lass as well as they; and though I paid nothing of
the reckoning, yet my Wench was often as well provided for as theirs;
for I furnished her with Cloaths equal to any of them, and then the less
money served the turn. We three being one night at a Tavern with our
Wenches, where we passed a Winters evening in their pleasing society,
our spirits being raised with wine, and the harmony of Musick joyned to
our Ladies voyces, in which they all three were very excellent; It
happened that their harmony begot a desire in the people in the next
Room to be attentive to our Musick: the Scrivener desiring his Lady to
sing a particular new Song alone, she consented thereunto, and performed
it very well, with good applause: one person in the next room, who had
given attention thereto, and had lately been in company with the Singer,
knowing her Voyce, was resolved by one means or other to see and drink
with her; and thereupon leaving his Company, he came into our Room, and
civilly asking leave, saluted the Ladies, and took acquaintance with the
Scriveners Mistress: she being somewhat displeased thereat, in short
time took occasion to tell her friend the Scrivener that she was much
troubled at this accident, and desired his favourable interpretation of
this action, for she assured him, she only knew this person as a
retainer to the house where she lodged, he coming to another Lady there,
and not to her; and withal she desired him, if he thought fit, to
affront and chastise him for this his unmannerly intrusion. Her friend
the Scrivener being thus informed by his Lady, called me and the
Bookseller on one side, and acquainted us with the matter; so that we
suddenly resolved to rid ourselves of this bold intruder: when we
returned to the fire where we left our unwelcome guest and the women, we
found him toying with them, and a little more bold then either they or
we were willing to permit and allow of; wherefore we gave him some angry
words, which he being a bluff fellow retorted, and we striving to force
him out of the Room, he single as he was set upon us all, to the great
affrightment of the Women, who now beginning to squeak out, our noise
occasioned the rest of our guests Companions who were in the next Room
to come into ours, and there seeing their Friend set on by us three,
which indeed being odds, they fell on us to his assistance: many blows
were not enterchanged, before the Master of the house and others (being
called by the noise we made, and the clamours of the women) entred the
Room; but all they could do, could not part us, so eager we were in
defending, as we thought, the honour of our Ladies; so that the
Constable was sent for, and we all seized on; but refusing to be
obedient, he forthwith caused us to be conducted to the Justices, who
was an Alderman that lived not far off; we being brought before his
Worship, being as yet hot as well with Wine as anger, could not agree in
our story, nor the occasion of our quarrel; but glad we were when we saw
that our Ladies had slipt away, as indeed it was but time (for had they
gone with us, I doubt _Bridewel_ would have been their lodging, and they
should have had rapping cheer.) They having thus made their escapes who
were the cause of our difference, and we every one contradicting each
other in our Discourses, the Alderman made no more ado, but sent us all
to the Counter, both Plaintiffs and Defendants: by such time as we were
well settled in our Quarters, and had paid our Garnishes, we all
considering the matter, and at length conversing with our Adversaries,
put our quarrelsome business in a fair way to be ended; for the occasion
being a Whore, we all agreed upon one tale to tell the Alderman next
morning; when being brought before him, and he finding then no
difference between us, supposing that it was only a drunken quarrel, was
at length perswaded to release us; but before we went, he forced us to
pay our fees, and likewise some money to the poor for being drunk; all
which we made a shift to do, by borrowing of one another, and so we were

Thus was this business overpassed: but though we made a shift to hide it
from our Masters, pretending some of our wonted excuses, yet the rest of
the Brethren of the Club were acquainted with it, and we were soundly
laught at, and our Wenches applauded for their wit in making their
timely escape, or else it would have fared worse with us as well as
them, and our business must have come to our Masters ears.

This disgrace stuck upon us a great while, for our Companions would
often ask us, when we would go and visit Master Alderman again:
wherefore I bethought my self of a trick how to be revenged of the
Alderman, and thereby cause the Discourse to cease: I often going by the
Aldermans house, saw him standing at his door, and he had a common
custome every afternoon to stand or sit there three or four hours
together. I waiting my opportunity, went to the Alderman, and asked if
his Maid-servant was within: which of them, said he, _Nan_ or _Suzan_?
_Suzan_, quoth I: yes, said the Alderman, What is your business with
her? May it please your Worship, said I, I was sent hither to take
measure of her for some new cloaths: What then thou art a Taylor, said
he; I replied, yes, and so he sent me in. I being acquainted with the
Maids name (and seeing the Alderman engaged at the door, still talking
with another person) asked for _Suzan_: when she came to me, I told her,
that her Master sent me in to her, and wished me to ask for his Skarlet
Gown, to mend it against a feasting-day then approaching: she knowing
her Master was at the door, and beleeving my story, went for it (I in
the mean time watching whether the Alderman still continued at the door,
for if I had seen him comming in, I would have made my excuses and
depart) but as good luck would have it, the Maid came and gave me the
Gown, and went about her other business; I wrapping it up under my
cloak, went again to the door where Master Alderman was sitting, who
asked me, whether I had taken measure of his Maid; I told him, yes: What
already? said he. Yes, and please your Worship: then thou hast made
haste, said he; make her Clothes handsome, she’s a good Wench, and make
haste with them too, and let me see that you work well, and thou mayst
do some work for me, and in time thou mayst have good of the Wench. I
(being troubled with Master Aldermans large discourse) only replied, I
shall, if it please your Worship; and so left him, and went my ways to
the next Alehouse, where I applauded my self for my so happy
contrivance, and safe deliverance from Master Aldermans impertinences.

After a little stay in this Alehouse, and night coming on, I being thus
fraughted with this rich Cargo, sailed to the Tavern where we used to
meet, and the Gown being wrapt up in a cloth, I delivered to the Drawer
to lay up, and went up into a Room, where calling for a faggot and pint
of Wine, I had not staid long ere some of our Club came, and in short
time all the rest; we fell to merry-making, and in our jollity some of
our Company nosed us with Master Alderman: well, said I, I suppose that
jobb might cost us twenty shillings a piece, and though Master Alderman
might put the most part of it into his pocket; yet how say you, if I can
propound a way how to be revenged on him? My two Companions, the
Scrivener and the Bookseller, told me, if I could do it, they would give
me twenty shillings a piece; a match, said I, I’le be judg’d by the
Company: and thereupon I told them the story, and how I had cheated
Master Alderman of his Skarlet-Gown; and to make good my word, caused it
to be brought up, and shew’d before them: very well pleased was the
Scrivener and Bookseller, and all the rest amazed at the boldness of my
adventure, which was by all applauded for a great piece of wit, and my
money was by them accordingly paid me; then after a cup or two of Wine,
consideration was had, what should be done with the Gown, and how it
should be disposed of, for we all knew it was hazardous and dangerous to
dispose of it as it was: so after many propositions and consultations,
it was at length generally agreed on, that I should cut it in pieces,
and out of Master Aldermans Gown I should make three Petticoats, which
should be bestowed on our three _Madonas_; and this adjudged very fit
and equitable, that they having endured part of the brunt, should
receive the whole prize: this I assented to; and the Scrivener and
Bookseller, in regard the Gown was mine, gave me each of them twenty
shillings a piece more, for their share of the cloath; and also they
between them furnisht me with a rich gold and silver Lace, to be put
upon my Ladies Petticoat, equal and alike to that which was put on
theirs: and this was an end of the adventure with Master Alderman, of
whom we never enquired how he and his maid _Suzan_ agreed about the



                              CHAP. XXVI.

_The Relater and several others of the Clubbing-Prentices assist the
  Drugster in putting off of some of his Commodities; he gives them
  gratuities, and relates a notable Cheat by his Master put upon an

In this manner did we spend our time; and though our Masters gained more
money, and dayly increased their Estates, yet we enjoyed the greater
pleasure in each others society: and now we being all acquainted with
one anothers ways, assisted each other in all things, and there was no
want for ourselves or Wenches, who were often at our meetings, and
assisted in our mirth.

I remember one evening, a young man, a Drugster, who was one of our
Club, told us that we must all of us assist him in a matter he was
about, and he should not only gain a good opinion of his Master, but we
should have a Piece or two to spend; we hearing there was convenience
and profit, agreed together, soon consented to do our utmost, and
therefore desired him to acquaint us with the matter: he thereupon told
us, that his Master had lately bought a parcel of Drugs of two or three
sorts, which did cost him about 1000_l._ in hopes of great gain, for
they were at double the price that he would afford his at; but they
being too much for one mans sale, he offered to sell good part of them
to some of the Trade; but they refused to buy, unless they might have
them cheaper then he was willing to afford them, pretending that they
had no need of that Commodity, being sufficiently furnished with the
same; although we were very certain that they could have none of it,
there being none to be had in all _London_, till of late my Master
bought this parcel that came from beyond Sea: Now my Master being
desirous to sell his Commodity, hath considered of a way how to make his
brother-Drugsters come to him, and pray him to sell it to them at his
price; that way is thus:

He hath desired me to get some of my acquaintance to go to most of the
Drugsters in and about _London_, and pretending to be Apothecaries and
others that need those Commodities, to enquire for them, and bespeak
quantities thereof; and then he knows, that not being able of themselves
to furnish them, they will repair to him, and give him his price. Oh!
said the Bookseller, have you learned that trick? I am very well
acquainted with this manner of trade; for we commonly use this slight to
sell our Books: for when we have printed a Book that we doubt will not
sell without preferring, and more ado than ordinary, then we not onely
Title it upon Posts, put it into News-books, and use several other ways
to make it famous; but we sometimes send several of our acquaintance and
friends to most Booksellers shops to inquire for this new Book; and they
coming so one after another, at length Master Bookseller is perswaded to
buy some of them; nay, sometimes, the more to encourage the Booksellers
to buy some quantities, we allow our friends to lay out some moneys with
them, and buy several of them; and so the Bookseller will commonly, if
he sell one or two, buy six or a dozen; and by this means our moneys
come in again with profit. Well, reply’d the Drugster, this course must
we take with these Drugs, or else they may prove a very Drug to my
Master; for he hath served some of our Trade so many tricks already,
that they are very cautious how they deal with him; but this trick of
sending friends to ask for a Commodity he hath often used, neither did
he learn it of the Bookseller: but there happened an extraordinary
chance sometime since, and from that experience he hath taken this

For there was a person who is used to make Syringes, which Chirurgions
and others use to squirt withal in several Distempers; and this man
being out of imployment, made a great quantity of them, and laid them by
him; but not knowing how to dispose of them, he bethought him of this
way of sending some friends to inquire for them: and so well did he
manage his business, that by employing persons to enquire of Drugsters
and Apothecaries for them, he not onely sold all he had made by him, but
in less than a quarter of a year, he took above 200_l._ for this
Commodity: and this my Master took notice of, and I suppose made a
president of, and now resolves upon the same course to put off his
Drugs; wherefore I desire your utmost assistance herein, and I shall
when you please spend a Piece or two in a Collation. All our
Club-fraternity agreed on this, and promised to be active here: and thus
resolving on our next time of meeting, we parted.

I for my part, the next day accoutring my self in a Country
Gentile-garb, went to several Drugsters, and asked for several Drugs,
whose names I had gotten; but amongst all, I more earnestly desired a
good quantity of those that were to be thus put off, telling them I was
a Country-Apothecary, and should call three or four days after again,
and lay out a considerable sum of money with them. I having done this
for my part, and the rest of our associates having been as diligent, we
meeting three days after together, our Drugster told us, that his Master
had sold all his Commodities to very great profit; and therefore, said
he, This Collation, and each of you a Crown more to buy Gloves, is my
Masters charge, and he desires you to accept thereof; which we
accordingly did, being glad we had done so good service to him and his

I understanding by this, that there were tricks and cheats in this Trade
as well as others, was desirous to be acquainted with the manner of
their Trading; and he being but a Novice, told me, he could not tell me
much of it, but he was very sensible that there was much knavery in that
Mystery, in mixing and sophisticating their Drugs, and getting the
spirits of some of them away, and renewing it in others, as served to
their profit: and, pursued he, I have one trick whereby my Master gets
some money in a year; for it being customary to give a Pipe of Tobacco
to any one that comes into the Shop, and desires it, I give them of that
which is very good; and they liking thereof, and the price, commonly buy
of the same, and sometimes a quantity, desiring it may be still of the
same they have tasted; the which I promise to do, and before their eyes
take it out of the same box; but the knack of it is this, it is for all
that a different and worser sort of Tobacco; for the Tobacco that I gave
them as a taste, is onely placed in one corner of the box for that
purpose, and so it goes off, as if it were all of the same; and
sometimes we put off a whole Roll of Tobacco in the same manner: for the
outside-roll is of good Spanish right, but all the inner-part is
Mundungoes, worth a groat a Cart-load.

But this is nothing to what ways my Master hath; and he lately exercised
his wits to a pretty profitable account, and thus it was: My Master
among other sorts of Drugs, had bought a quantity of Dragons-bloud,
being pieces of wood, dipped, as is supposed, or rather pretended, in
Dragons-bloud; and this is good in Physick, and for other uses: this
Commodity not proving very good, my Master had a great desire to put it
off, but could not get any body to buy of it: he had been not only with
Drugsters, but also with some Iron-mongers to sell it, for they use it
about their Locks, and other Iron-work, to keep them from rust; but no
person was willing to deal with him about it. My Master had a Neighbour
that was an Iron-monger, whom he had a great desire to deal withal; but
he being a wary young man, and hearing that my Master was a snap,
refused all dealing with him: and some words passed that displeased my
Master, and therefore he resolved to be avenged; and thereupon having
designed his business, with the help of two Confederates, he thus puts
it in execution.

He gave a small quantity of this Dragons-bloud to one of his
Confederates, who having full instructions, went to the Iron-mongers
house, and seeing him standing at the door, asked him if he wanted not
some of that Commodity, shewing the same to him: No, said the
Iron-monger. I was informed, said the man, that you sometimes deal in
it, and was recommended by a friend to come to you; and if you please to
deal with me, I shall use you very kindly. To this the Iron-monger
replyed, that he needed not any of it. But, said the other, I suppose
you sell of it to others sometimes, and may therefore do me a courtesie,
and your self too, for I have not a shop to sell it in, and am a
stranger; wherefore, if you please, I shall leave this parcel with you,
and you putting it on your stall may happen on a Customer, which if you
do, I can furnish you with more; and thus you, without laying out any
money, may get some profit. The Iron-monger hearing of this, and
conceiving the man to be honest and harmless, consented to his desire,
entertained the condition and the goods, and enquired further of the
price; the man telling him that he understood it was worth three
shillings _per_ pound, but he would willingly take two shillings eight
pence, because he might have profit; and telling him that he would call
on him in a weeks time: and they at this time parted.

And thus the Iron-monger having received the Commodity, put some of it
out every day on his Stall, till at length a man coming by, and seeing
that to lye there, and the Master of the shop at the door, asked him the
price thereof; the Iron-monger told him three shillings _per_ pound. The
Customer desired to look further into it, desiring to know how much he
had of it; Truely, said the Iron-monger, I cannot tell, but I suppose,
if we agree, I can furnish you with a good quantity. Why, said the
Customer, I will give you two shillings eight pence _per_ pound for it,
if you have 500 _lib._ of it. Well, said the Iron-monger, call here a
day or two hence, and I will resolve you, and it is like we may deal
together: Thus at present they parted. But he came again the next day,
and the day following, pretending great earnestness to buy the
Commodity: in the mean time the Iron-monger waited and watched narrowly
to see and speak with the man that left it there, but could not meet
with him, for he stayed away on purpose; and this Customer that came to
buy was likewise the other of my Masters Confederates, and sent by him
for that purpose. At length the Iron-monger standing at his door, saw
the man who left the Dragons bloud passing by his door, and called to
him, and then discoursed seriously with him about the matter, as, what
would be his lowest price, and what quantity he had? To both these
Questions he answered, He would take two shillings six pence; and the
quantity he had was 500 _lib._ The Iron-monger hearing this, and
resolving now to deal, told him, that he thought it was too dear; but if
he would take two shillings four pence, he thought he might buy all his
quantity. To this the Seller replyed, That it was too cheap; but taking
all, and paying him ready mony, he would do it. The Iron-monger replyed,
That ready money was two months: but, said he, If I deal, you shall have
half down at the delivery, and the other half at three months: to this
they both agreed. But the Iron-monger being cautious, would not at
present fully conclude, referring the ending the Bargain to two days, in
the mean time resolving to see if his Customer came that was to buy; and
then enquiring the name and habitation of the Seller, they parted.

Long had not the Iron-monger waited, but his buying Customer came by,
and as earnestly as formerly desired to buy the Commodity; the which now
the Iron-monger agreed to sell at two shillings eight pence _per_ pound,
and to be paid at weighing; and that he might be sure of his Customer,
he takes ten shillings in part of payment, and appoints two days thence
to finish the bargain. Thus did the Iron-monger reckon to gain 500
Groats, which is 8_l._ 3_s._ 4_d._ Besides, he was resolved to have all
ready money, and to pay but half; but he reckoned without his Host, as I
shall presently tell you: for the Seller of the Dragons-bloud coming the
next day, finished his bargain, delivered his Commodity, received his
money, and took a Bill from the Iron-monger for the moiety of his money
to be paid in three months. But now the Iron-monger had the Commodity,
he might go look for a Customer; for he that left the ten shillings came
no more, and the Commodity lay still on his hands; at which he was
fretted, but could not help himself.

My Master having thus managed this affair by these two Confederates,
received the mony, and had the Bill assigned to him, giving both his
Confederates something for their pains.

He having thus done the Iron-monger’s business, was not contented with
the profit alone, but was resolved to vex him; and therefore when he
passed by his shop, he asked him if he would buy any Dragons-bloud. No,
said the other, I can sell you some. I’ll buy, said my Master; but when
he saw it, and heard the price, he told him, No, he could sell him as
good as that for 12 _d. per_ pound. At this the Iron-monger was more
vexed; but not knowing how to help himself, was forced to rest
contented; at length the three months came, and then my Master was
resolved to shew all his anger, and vex the Iron-monger more, and
therefore went himself to demand the money that was due: the Iron-monger
answered him, that he owed him none: Whereupon he produced his bill, and
a Letter of Attorney; and then he too late perceived how he had been
served. For my Master told him, that now he would be even with him, for
refusing to deal with him, and abusing him. The other said, it was a
cheat, and he would make him bring out the party that bought it, giving
him ten shillings in part of payment. That shall I do quickly, said my
Master, but it will be small to your gain: and then told him the name of
the man, and that he was not worth a farthing, and a Prisoner in the
Kings-bench. At this the Iron-monger being much more vexed then before,
told my Master that he would not pay him, and bid him take his course;
the which he did the next morning, and arresting him, soon brought the
case to a tryal, and having an absolute bill for payment of the money,
cast the Iron-monger; who advising with his Lawyers, went to
_Westminster_ for a _Writ of Error_, which he gained: but when he came
back with it, thinking to stop Execution, he found that he came too
late; for my Master doubting some such business, never left till he
served the Execution, so that when the poor Iron-monger came back with
his _Writ of Error_, he found the Bayliffs and my Master in his shop, in
possession of his goods; and he being out of Moneys at present, was
forced to let my Master have all his Dragons-bloud again at twelve pence
_per_ pound, and so in that and other Commodities paying his Debt and
Charges, and giving each other general Releases (which my Master
earnestly insisted on, and without which my Master would do nothing, the
Iron-monger being in a strait) they made an end of this bargain: and now
the Iron-monger, when he came to a second reckoning of his bargain,
found, that instead of getting 8_l._ 3_s._ 4_d._ he had lost 33_l._
3_s._ 4_d._ besides all his Cost; and my Master thus having gained by
his Commodity, sold it since to another for one shilling six pence _per_
pound. And this, said the Drugster, is but one of my Masters ways to get

This young fellow had taken a great deal of pains to discover every
particular of his Masters late bargain: from what he had related, I
concluded the Master to be a very cunning practitioner in the Mysterious
Art of _Knavery_, and therefore I was desirous to be acquainted with
him; and knowing that he was but a young man himself, and also desirous
of acquaintance, I found no great difficulty to attain to my desires,
which I soon after accomplished, as I shall relate to you in the next


                               CHAP. XX.

_The Relater and the Drugsters Master come acquainted, being concerned
  in Tryals at Law: their several Cases they relate to each other._

My Master having much dealing, had many Debts owing him, and he was
forced to sue some persons to get in his monies; and I having delivered
a parcel of Clothes, was _sub-p[oe]na’d_ to attend to testifie the same
in Court, upon a Tryal which my Master was to have with his Debtor. I
attended the Court when Tryal of the Cause should be call’d, several
hours; and there did I meet with the young Drugster, who was likewise
waiting upon some such like occasion: we both having leisure, and his
servant having told him that I principally assisted in putting off his
Drugs, he to gratifie me, offered me a Pint of Wine. I accepted his
kindness, and to the Tavern we went, where he again thanked me for the
courtesie I had done him; and then he enquired my business at the Court.
I told him, it was upon a Tryal of my Masters, who sued one for money
for a suit of Clothes. That is strange, said he, that any should refuse
to pay for work when done. True, said I, but he pretends that there is
somewhat more then ordinary in the Case, as indeed there is, if well
understood; and knowing you to be ingenious, I shall relate it to you. A
person had occasion to have a suit of Clothes made, and would not
entrust my Master to buy the Cloth; but having enquired how much would
do the business, my Master told him five yards and a half, to make a
suit and large coat. The other supposing that five yards would do the
business, and the half yard be saved, bought but five; and bringing it
home, desired my Master to cut it out before him; and if there wanted
any more cloth, it should be supplyed. My Master seeing himself
distrusted, was resolved to be even with his Customer; and to cutting of
it out he went: first, he cut out the Doublet, and then the Breeches;
but instead of one pair of Breeches, he cut out two pair, perswading the
Customer that it was but one; and when he came to cut out the coat,
there was a great deal of cloth wanting; so that the Gentleman was
forced to buy a yard more of cloth, the which he saw cut out likewise;
and though he was cheated before his face, could not discover it; my
Master serving him well enough: for whereas he intended but to get half
a yard of cloth by him, he now saved a whole one.

The suit was made up, and the Gentleman wore it: but as yet not being
fully satisfied, coming into company with another Taylor, he asked how
much cloth might be in that suit and coat. The Taylor replyed, Five
yards: the Gentleman said he bought six, and saw it all cut out and put
into the clothes. The Taylor wondring hereat, told him, that he would
make him a suit and coat full as large as that with five yards. The
Gentleman agreed; and more cloth was bought, delivered to the Taylor,
and the suit made accordingly. The Gentleman not as yet having paid my
Master his bill, refused to do it, pretending he is cheated, but not
knowing how; and this day we are to have a Tryal, and I question not,
but I who am my Masters chief witness, shall be able to out wit the
other Master-Taylor, who is here in Court ready to testifie against us.
How do you mean to order your matters? said the Drugster. Truely, said
I, in one word, I will make oath, that all the Gentlemans six yards of
cloth was cut out and made up, in Doublet, Breeches and Coat, as indeed
it was; but I do not say, how many pair of Breeches; and I suppose, they
not suspecting me, will not be curious in asking the question.

The Drugster was so well pleased in my relation of the story, that he
told me his Case, which said he, is this. I have had some little
misfortunes in the world, and people have lately called on me for money,
more than I could well pay at present; and one person particularly has
been so outragiously foolish, as to say that I was a Bankrupt, and that
I would never pay him: now I have brought my Action against him for
slander and defamation, and hope to get so great damages against him, as
he shall be willing to forgive me my debt: and this will be a good
leading Card to muzzle the mouths of the rest of my Creditors, who
indeed are so civil as to come into Court, and testifie in my behalf.

This Case being well managed (said I) may be very considerable with you,
and turn to your profit and credit both. Our Wine and Discourse being
ended, we both went into the Court, where I heard his Tryal so well
managed, as he recovered 200_l._ damage: and my Master, with my
evidence, recovered his Debt; and then threatened to sue the Gentleman
for defamation: he hearing thereof, and seeing how great damages were
given to one there present, upon the same account, presently made his
Composition with my Master, and gave him ten pound to put up the
business. My Master gave me 20_s._ to spend, which I did in Wine and
good Company; and the Drugster having had this success, was now more
contented than ever, and his credit grew high in the City, so that he
was intrusted with some thousands; but he and I being after that very
intimate, I perswaded him at a convenient time to give me an account of
his life and actions; I having formerly told him of many of mine. We
being planted at a Tavern, and no person to interrupt us, he began as

                             CHAP. XXVIII.

_The Drugster in relating his Life, discovers several Cheats which he
  performed under the Cloak of Religion; as also how he cheated his
  Masters Sister of her Maiden-head and Estate; and several Cheats in

Though the whole course of my Life, from my Infancy to this time, hath
been a continued piece of _Knavery_, I having been of many Trades, and
most Factions in Religion, in which I have always been a very great
stickler: yet I shall not give you any account of my minority, omitting
all my actions till I came to about twenty years of age, when I had
gained some experience in the world, and had learned how to play my
Cards to the best advantage.

I served an Apprentiship with a Master, whose whole Family, consisting
of himself, Wife, Sister, and four Servants, was an absolute Compendium
of most Religious Factions then practised in _England_: He himself was a
strict rigid Presbyterian; his Wife, a Ranter; his Sister, an
Anabaptist; three of the Servants Independants, but of several Churches
and Perswasions; and I, though an Independant, being of all Religions,
yet was of none at all, that gave them all the hearing; and with my
Master was a Presbyterian, and would ordinarily accompany him in his
long-winded prayers, which being filled with tautologies and nonsence,
he esteemed, and often used, believing himself to be assisted with a
Divine Spirit. Many absurdities he committed in his Devotion, as praying
for the Reformation of his Family, and pointing out a time when he
should or would have a return of his Prayers, at which time he would
charge Providence with the fault; he having strictly observed all the
Commandments, in Fasting, Praying, relieving the Brethren, and
performing all other Duties which Sir _John_ his Ghostly father had
imposed on him. He would often recount the particular enormities of his
Wife and Family, and how she lay out from him three nights together in a
week, and where she was; and would earnestly pray for, either her
conversion or confusion. Many other impertinencies would he commit,
which would be too tedious to me to recount: but in general, I found his
zeal to be a weakness in his brain, and he was continually led about as
Sir _John Presbyter_ directed.

My Mistress was likewise led about by those of her Gang, which were
absolute Libertines, affording themselves all manner of pleasure, and
denying themselves the injoyment of nothing they could purchase; and she
would pretend Religion in all her frollicks: for she would say, That _no
sin was imputed to the Saints_; and indeed it was no sin, unless she her
self thought it so. That she, or any other Sister, might lie with
another Brother, was accounted a general maxime amongst them, especially
if they chose their time when their Husbands are asleep, which they
termed to be dead, and therefore might then do it without breach of any
Commandment. She would be very costly both in her Apparel and diets
alleadging, that it was not fit, that the Body _which was a sacred
Temple_, should be coursly either clothed or fed. I had a great mind to
have been of her Religion, because there was so much freedom and
enjoyments therein; but my Master kept me in a little too strictly; and
my Mistress keeping company with the High-boys, slighted the tender of
my service. Thus having failed in this attempt, I made my way to my
Mistresses Sister, who was an Anabaptist; she I often waited on by my
Mistresses commands, and at length was admitted to be one of the
Brethren in the Conventicle, whereof she was a Sister; I professed a
great deal of zeal for that way, and my Master often instructed me in
Scripture, I soon from a proficient became a Preacher, and was of great
eminency amongst them.

                  *       *       *       *       *

Thus did I spend my time till my Apprenticeship was out, and I was a
freeman; and then did I begin to look about me, to see what I might get
for my self: for I had never undertaken this course of Teaching, but in
hopes to gain my Mistresses Sister; and she still put me off till I was
out of my time, pleading tenderness of Conscience would not permit her
to give me any enjoyment of her before Marriage, and that could not
lawfully be done, till my time was out; which being come, I freshly
courted her, and she gave me the hearing, but still put me off desiring
me first to settle my self in the World. I now believing that she
intended to delude me was resolved to play the same hand at Cards with
her; and perswading her that I still gained somewhat of an Estate by my
dealings in the World, I spent some moneys on her, and taking my
opportunity gained my ends upon her; for pretending that I had lately
made a bargain, whereby I should get 100_l._ if I had fifty pound ready
money more then my own, which was likewise fifty pound; She having
moneys by her, willingly consented to lend me fifty pound, provided that
she might see the disbursing thereof. I then thinking to kill two Birds
with one stone, readily consented; and heartily thanking her, desired
her to provide her self to go with me next Tide to _Gravesend_, where I
was to lay out the moneys: she did accordingly, and carrying fifty pound
with her, I having raised such another sum, we took boat and made for
_Gravesend_, where when we arrived, I left her to rest herself at an
Inn, and went on board a Ship that was newly come from the Indies, and
bought as much Indigo as came to 150_l._ I had it a very good penny
worth, but not so good as to perswade her that I should gain 100_l._ by
it, which I had promised: wherefore that I might make out the matter to
be plain to her, I engaged the Seaman I had dealt withal to secrecy, and
made this bargain, that I would pay him 100_l._ down, and pay the rest
in two moneths, telling him that I was a great dealer. He believing me
without much difficulty, not only consented to this, but also to say,
that he had but 100 l. for all the Commodity; we having thus agreed,
went to my Sweet-hearts Chamber, and there concluded our bargain before
her; who having some skil in the price of that Commodity, did believe
the bargain to be as profitable as I alledged to her, and freely laid
down her money, which together with my fifty pound was paid to the
Seaman, and the goods delivered into a Lighter to be carried to
_London_, and delivered according to order.

This affair being dispatch’d, I was resolved to drive the nayl home a
little further, and as I had got the money, so to get the maid;
wherefore I pretending expedition, told her, it would be most convenient
for us to ride home: she wholly confiding in me, consented thereto, and
a horse was procured to carry us double; mounted we were, and so
advanced on our journy; but pretending some business, I made an halt at
the next Town home wards, where I did my Horse the unkindness to prick
him in the foot, that he might halt, and not be able to carry us through
that night; this being done, we again mounted, and I fell to thanking my
Mistress for this great favour, not only in assisting me with her purse,
but accommodating me with her Company; and now, said I, I hope you will
no longer delay me the enjoyment of yourself, and the rest of your
Estate. Truly, said she, this days action hath resolved me of all
doubts, and now I have so good opinion of you, that I shall no longer
delay our marriage, then shall stand with your conveniency. To this I
returned answer full of love and kindness. Our horse by this time felt
the effects of my work, for he halted so much, that we could only go a
foot pace, and with much difficulty came to the next Town, where we were
forced to alight; and it now growing late, and impossible to get to
_London_ that night, we resolved to take up our quarters for the

                  *       *       *       *       *

I having placed my Mistress in a Private Chamber, went into the Stable,
and soon removed the obstruction that hindred our horse from going, so
that by the next morning he was well enough able to travel, I left him
to the care of the Hostler, and went up to my Mistress, who expected me
to supper, which I had ordered to be provided for us, and that being
ready, I invited our Landlady to be a guest: though our Commons were but
short, being only one Chicken, yet I made a long Grace, which according
to our custome, might amount to a prayer; and I remember that among
other matters, I prayed that our horse might be so well recovered, as
that he might be able to carry us next day to _London_: our Landlady
soon understanding what kind of Guests she had, believing that she
should get little by our Company, was desirous of leaving it, which she
did, by pretending business, and so we had the whole Chicken left us for
our own eating, we hardly made or left any bones of it, so hungry we
were. Supper being ended, we went to the fire, and I designing my
business, call’d for a Quart of Claret, which we burn’d, sweetned, and
drank off; and by this time my Mistress was so sweet upon me, that we
talked very familiarly and pleasantly, and oftentimes I interlaced our
Discourses with kisses and amorous sighs, to which I was welcomed, and
many times invited; I then called for another Quart of Wine, which we
likewise drank off; and then I found my Mistress was very full of the
Creature, so that she drew neer to the bed, and at length cast her self
thereon; I was not long after her, but lay down likewise, and first
beginning with embraces and kisses, in a little time I gained possession
of all my endeavors she lying as fast asleep all the while; but when I
had done, and was again laid by her, she started up, and seemed to be
very angry with me; but I supposing that it was because I had so soon
done, catched hold of her, and attempted to be at her again; but in vain
did I endeavour it, for she then began to be angry, reproaching me with
dishonesty, and using many canting terms, which I omit: I told her, what
was done could not be undone, and therefore comforted her, and told her
all should be well by our sudden Marriage: thus did I appease her, and
we soon agreed upon every thing; so that though I was appointed another
Chamber, which I pretended to lodge in, yet I lay all night with her.
The next morning we arose betime; and mounting our horse, who was now
well enough, we soon arrived at _London_, where for the present we
parted. I having thus gained my ends of this woman, having part of her
Estate in my possession, and by the enjoyment of her person having the
command of the rest, was resolved only to abuse her; strip her of what
she had, and so leave her: for I found no such sweetness in my nights
lodging with her, but what I might expect from another; having before
that tasted woman in the enjoyment of two or three of our Sisters, which
passages I omit, and tell this to acquaint you how this woman undid
herself by her Covetousness, for had she not distrusted me with her
money, I should have married her, but now my minde was otherwise bent.

I received my Goods, and now my stock being much encreased by this fifty
pound, and the profit of my bargain; I paid the Seaman, and proceeded in
Trading: and though I had little skill in forreign Commodities yet I
ventured at all, neither did I want Money, for instead of paying back
the fifty pound to my Mistress, I soon after had 100_l._ more, and yet
she could not perswade me to marriage, I still pretending multiplicity
of business: at length, all her portion, being 400_l._ got into my
hands, I only paid her with a nights lodging, which now and then we had
together; but as to marriage, I still pretended one reason or other to
defer it.

I not only proceeded in my Merchandizing, but continued in my preaching
at our usual Conventicles, where I was become very famous, and a great
disputant; but at length I finding there was little to be gotten by them
(and my principle being always to gain what I could) I became now almost
weary of them, and willing to leave that Congregation for another that
courted me, but I was resolved ere I left them to make some use of them,
and get somewhat of them. I thus laid my Plot: I gave a bond to a
Confederate for 100_l_, pretending that I owed so much to him; I gave
out, that I would on such a day not only preach to my Congregation, but
also Dispute with any opposer on several Articles. The time being come,
I had a full Auditory, and performed my Preachment and Disputation to
the general satisfaction of all? and then appointed that the next day I
would hold forth some other points, that had not as yet been disputed
of, inviting all the Congregation, and all others that would come, to
meet me in a larger room then that was wherein we exercised at present.
Thus having finished my Discourse I dismissed my Auditors; but I was no
sooner out of the house, but I was seized on by a bailiff, in Execution
for 200_l._ for my Confederate who had the bond, had brought it to
Judgment: I was then accompanied by two or three of my Congregation, who
much wondring at the business, desired the Bailiff to have patience, and
go into the next House, which we did; and the Case being opened, I
confessed the Debt, withal alleadging that I was not at present able to
pay it, having lately ventured most of my Estate to Sea. Those of my
Congregation hearing this (and being much grieved that their Pastor
should be thus snatch’d from them, especially when he had deserved so
well) sent for some more of their brethren, who were monied men; and so
among them they paid the debt, and I was discharged: but soon after
this, I left them, and they were forced to make a Collection or
gathering among themselves to reimburse themselves their moneys; and my
Mistress, who had been all this while delayed by me with fair words,
made her complaints to the brethren, but to no purpose, for she received
no redress or satisfaction, I having now quite left them and their
faction for another, where by reason of my ability in preaching, I was
entertained, and an accord made between me and my quondam Mistress, I
only giving her back fifty pound of her four hundred; we being now
absolutely parted from one another, she receiving no other satisfaction
of me, either for her many nights lodging or money, then fifty pound,
which she willingly received, believing me to be a beggar; my new
Congregation voluntarily raising that money for me for that purpose.

Thus was I quit of her, and had gained five hundred pound in my pocket,
only under the cloak of Religion; and having such success, I in short
time discovered my self to be rich, by buying many bargains of good
value, paying ready mony, and raised my self to so high a reputation,
that I won a widdow of an indifferent fortune to be my wife, and so
settled my self in the World.

As for my preaching-trade, I finding that it had already done me as much
service as I expected from it, I left it, for I had now a wife and
money, and for that end, and to get them, I took it up, and being
provided with both, I left it, but especially finding that it grew every
day into disesteem, it being about the time of his Majesties happy
Return; when instead of a preaching Fanatick; I quickly faced about, and
leaving my congregational friends, I enquired out, and procured Cavalier
acquaintance, so that I (who a little before the Kings coming home, was
used to wear short Hair, and was modest and precise in my habit) had now
a large Perriwig, a great Plume of Feathers, and all other accoutrements
accordingly, being still diligent on all occasions to associate my self
with the Captain and chief Officers of the Trained Bands of our Company,
into whose acquaintance and Society I soon insinuated my self, by my
Gallantry in my habit, and expences in Taverns being conformable.

Thus did I become a Gentleman, and from a Precisian a Prodigal, nay, an
Antick, and every thing, what not? that I might please all: for instead
of a Prayer-book, or some other Fanatical piece of divinity, I now
carried in my pocket, either Cards or Dice, and so great a love I had to
_Hocus Pocus_, that all their Tools, _viz._, Box of Counters, Balls,
Cups, and other Trinkets which are made use of in that mysterious
function, were all my Companions: having learned confidence when I was a
Preacher, I was now the better emboldned to stare my Spectators in the
face, while I cunningly enough performed my feats of activity; and such
a readiness I had, that I was accounted an able proficient. I spent so
much time in these fooleries, that I almost lost my self; and now having
a wife and family to maintain, I found my Estate so far to decrease,
that I was forced to look after my business, and fall to Merchandizing:
but having lost a considerable part of my Estate which I had adventured
at Sea, I was resolved, as I said, to trust no more to that Element, and
not to let my Estate go out of my sight; wherefore I still as shipping
came in, went on board, either in the _Downs_, _Portsmouth_, or
_Plymouth_, and there buying good bargains, which the Seamen, newly come
home would afford for ready Money, I began to prick up again, and have
Money at command; I then bought me a small Pinnace or small Pleasure
boat; and with that went on board of Ships, bought Goods, and made a
shift to stow as much on board privately, that I saved much by the
customes and other duties. This Trade I drove a long time, gaining much
by stealing Duties; neither did I care what Goods I dealt in, having
Customers of all sorts and Trades, who knowing that I drave this Trade,
employed me to buy for them, agreeing the prizes before hand: but I was
snap’d one time, and all my goods seized for not paying duties, and an
Information put into the Exchequer against me: I finding that it would
be but a folly to contend there, agreed with the Informer, and he
suffered me to cast him; so that I got off for a sum of money, but I
gained much experience thereby, so that I then began a new Trade, and
would engage many of my Friends to go and buy Goods on board of Ships,
and if they got them clear from the Ships-sides it was enough, for I
would come immediately in another Boat, as if a stranger, and seize the
Goods as forfeited for want of the payment of duties, and so secure them
from any other seizure; and if any other person came to seize them, I
then pretended it to be my business, having made the first seizure, but
if we were not met with by another, then we passed clear without any
more trouble: nay, so bold and confident was I grown in this kind of
Trade, called _Smuckling_, that I have had fifty and an hundred pound at
a time given me to go over into _Holland_ or _France_ in a Ship which
hath brought much prohibited goods, which I have seized so soon as we
came near any Port of _England_, to prevent any other seizure; and then
putting an information into the Exchequer, have suffered costs against
me, and all hath been clear. I gained not only much money by this means,
but also the esteem of a cunning subtile fellow, and was employed in
many such affairs, and sometimes in Law-suits.

I remember once I came into Company with a very fair Lady, who having an
old cross-grain’d fellow to her Husband, had not only lived from him for
some time, but was so foolish as to be married to another person, who
was a Gentleman of much worth and merit. The Ladies old Husband
(understanding thus much and more out of Covetousness of gaining money,
which he believed the Gentleman would on this occasion part from, then
any love he bore his Wife) hunted them out from one place to another,
and the young Gentleman refusing to comply with the old Knights desires,
he was resolved now to prosecute her for Life.

This Story was told me by the Gentleman himself, and the Lady assured me
of the truth of the matter, imploring my assistance: Well, Madam, said
I, come, be ruled by me, and I will disappoint your old Husband, and you
shall laugh at him. Having considered the matter, I ordered her to go
next day into the Country, above 100 miles from _London_, and there to
expect me, and obey my further orders, this she did; and I soon
following her, and the Assizes beginning the next day, I got a Warrant
to apprehend and bring her before the bench, she came, and I charged her
with having two Husbands, she denying, and I alledging the matter, she
was committed, and an Indictment brought in; but when she was to be
try’d, I was not to be found, nor any person else to prosecute her: so
that she was quit by proclamation. A Copy of this Process I took out of
the Court, and so she and I came to _London_, to the Gentleman her
friend, who gladly welcomed us, and now they live together in spight of
the old Knight, who attempting to trouble them, found it in vain, for
she could not be tryed for one fact twice.

This feat did I, meerly out of my own apprehension and fancy, and it
succeeding according to my wishes, and I had a considerable reward for
my pains.


                              CHAP. XXIX.

_The Drugster sets two Persons, his wives Brothers-in-Law, at variance,
  he gets Money out of them both, proceeds in Trading, but adventuring
  too much, cannot pay his Debts, and is therefore clapt up in prison._

I drave this rambling Trade for a long time, and gained enough by it,
but I was so prodigal in my expences (both at home and abroad, that I
might be counted somebody) and sometimes loosing considerable sums at
gaming, that I began to go behind hand, and oftentimes, when I pretended
to go to _Gravesend_, the _Downs_, or other places to buy some Drugs, or
other Merchandise aboard a Ship, I went not far from _London_ to a brave
handsome Lass, that I kept for my private recreation. For though I had a
wife, and she indifferent handsome, yet was she cold in her embraces,
and still talking of the cares of the World, and propounding ways to get
Moneys. But my private Lady was quite different, being wholly composed
of Love and sweetness, professing nothing more dear to her, then my
Society: and we had no other discourse but pleasure and enjoyments, in
the greatest height we could imagine; This though it were pleasant, was
very chargeable, to keep such a Commodity for my own private use, so
that I gained not much at the years end; and what I got over the Divels
back, I spent under his belly, as the Proverb goes: Wherefore my wife
called on me to stay at home and apply my self to some settled way; but
that I could not do, for my Stock was grown low and my spending as high
as ever.

My Wife had a Father-in-Law who was a Citizen and a monyed man; him I
got into favor with and by my free entertainment of him, won him to me;
for he having left off trading in _London_, lived some miles off, and
coming to _London_ would often visit me, where I still welcomed him, and
attended him abroad when he went to receive Rents, or any Moneys, and
assisted him in all such things that I could, with much diligence. My
stock being very low, I borrowed Moneys of him to trade with, and was
very punctual in my payment, so that he put so much confidence in me, as
to lend me 100_l._ and more I might have had, had I requested it, as he
and his wife (who was my wives Mother) often visited me at my house, so
at convenient times I was a guest at theirs in the Countrey? where I
associated my self with the best Gentlemen of the place, winning upon
the affections of all; by my facetious and pleasant converse. I had
great hopes of raising my fortunes by my wives Mother, who I hoped would
out-live her husband, and then, at her death be able and willing to give
me good part of her estate, but it fell out otherwise, for she fell sick
and dyed before him, but it was my good luck to be there, and my wife
being still near her, she gave her some Rings and other things that were

The old man my Father-in-Law being desirous to bury his wife at _London_
according to her request went up with us, and being somewhat sick
before, so soon as his wife was buried, was so surprized with a
distemper, that he took his bed, and after ten weeks sickness dyed at my
house, during his sickness I bethought my self of what advantage I might
make it, and endeavoured to please him in all I might, but he having two
sons, I could not expect much of the estate, but was resolved by hook or
by crook to have a considerable share, and to that end I knew no better
way then to divide the two Brothers and put them at difference. The
eldest was a married man, and though of an easie temper yet I knew was
too honest to be wrought on to do any unhandsome action, the youngest
being a young bluff fellow, was apt to believe any thing I should
perswade him to, wherefore at first I possest him with a jealousie
against his brother, and that he would defraud him of his share of the
estate, if he did not take heed and follow my directions, which if he
did, I would put him into a way to command his elder brother in every

The young man being of a suspitious nature, easily believed me; and then
I particularly advised him, that the first thing he ought to do, was to
get the Register of his age altered; for if his father should now dye,
and he not truly being twenty years of age, could not expect to have the
possession of any part of the Estate, unless he were one and twenty.
Wherefore to the house of the Parish Register we went, and for the
spending of one shilling, and five shillings in Money, we had the
Register book delivered to us, where I being well skilled in
counterfeiting and imitating of hands; soon alter’d the Register,
putting his age out in one place, and writing it in another place two
years before; so that the young man was now made half a year above full
age. Then did we call the Register, who gave us a Certificate out of the
book of the young mans age, and this we carried with us as authentick,
and to be produced on all occasions. I having done thus much for the
young Man, he could not deny me anything I desired or requested: so that
the old sick Gentleman being still weaker, and having his Money in a
Trunk by his beds-side, I perswaded the younger Brother (who had the
key) to take some out and lend to me; which he did: and that the old Man
might not see the action; I and my wife would stand by the beds-side
before him, so that by degrees I got 100 _l._ from thence; and when the
old man dyed, though he left a considerable Estate, yet was there not a
penny of ready Money. The elder brother knowing that he had foul-play
shewed him, began to be angry, but to no purpose, for he was forced to
comply, the younger brother having possession of that Trunck, and the
keys of all others where all the Writings were. The old man being buried
(and much excess and prodigality shewed in the expences and costs
thereof, which was done principally at my invitement, that I might gain
repute by inviting as many friends as I pleased, and also drain my two
young men of their moneys) the two brothers began to discourse the
matter, the elder brother demanding possession of the Estate, and a
divident to be made according to the Will of their Father; and, said he,
Brother, your share must either be in my hands, or else in the Chamber
of _London_ till you come of age: How, said I, till he come of age?
Sure, you mistake your self, he is of sufficient age already; and
thereupon produced the Certificate, which though it was very punctual,
yet the elder brother (who was neer ten years older then his brother)
and several others who were present, knew to be false: and this was the
first breach between them, which had like to have grown to a high flame:
for the elder Brother applying himself to the Register, upon search of
the Book, found the fallacy: and indeed the Register acknowledged the
fact; for which he, and the younger Brother, and my self had like to
have kissed _Newgate_, by order of the Lord Mayor, who being acquainted
herewith, was highly incensed against us all, professing before the
whole Court of Aldermen, That this act was of high concernment, and
might be prejudicial to the whole City. The elder brother was very
cautious in prosecuting this affair, being tender of his brothers
credit, and therefore endeavoured by fair means to bring his brother to
a handsome compliance; which he effected in my absence, and so wrought
upon his Brother, that the Trunk of Writings was sent for to a Tavern,
where they were for the present divided, and the Trunk with part of the
Writings delivered to him, with a promise to put a fair end to the rest
of the difference. When I came home, and found the Trunk gone, I stormed
exceedingly; and believing my self disappointed of my purpose, found out
the younger Brother, and schooled him so soundly, that he by my
directions went back to his brothers house, and by a false token
regained the Trunk with the Writings which he had new sent home. Thus
was their difference enlarged, and likely to be worse; but the Elder
brother so moderately complyed with all mine and his brothers demands,
though never so unreasonable, that a division and partition was made,
not onely of the Estate, but some part of the Goods, which being Plate,
and Linnen, and Pewter, were delivered into my custody: and all the
differences between the brothers being ended, I demanded of the elder
brother satisfaction for his fathers being at my house during the time
of his sickness: he little expected this; for his father had given to me
and mine an hundred pound, but that was nothing; I owed him so much, and
I must have more, and so I told him I would have, or mischief him: not
giving any other reason, but that he had enough, and I would have part.
Thus did I hope to huff him out of his money: but he, though he was
easie and good-natured (which I accounted next of kin to a fool) yet
wholly refused me, affirming that I had no reason for my demands, for I
had an hundred pound given me, and that I had not been at any charge,
for his father had continually given my wife money to provide all
necessaries, and that some of that was still in my wives hands.

Though I knew what he alledged was true, yet I still persisted in my
demands, and told him, that so much I would have for the trouble of my
house: he offered to refer it to two men; I long refused it, but at the
length consented, and tampered with his Arbitrator, promising him a
reward, if he would answer my expectations: but he contrary to my
expectations proved honest, and gave me but half what I asked; neither
would he have consented to that, but that the elder brother himself
advised him thereto, out of a desire of Peace. This Award I was much
troubled at, and seeing I could get no more, was contented with what I
could get of him: but the younger brother I fleec’d somewhat more
considerably, getting out of them both, in Legacy, Mony and Goods, to
the value of three or four hundred pounds: with which stock of money,
and a greater of credit, reporting of greater matters that were given
me, I again fell to trafficking, and now dealt more considerably then
ever: for I went to publick Sales, where great quantities of goods were
sold by inch of Candle, and bought thousand pounds worth at a time; and
so considerable was I lookt on, that I was often imployed by others to
buy for them. I bought several parcels and sorts of Goods, which I
fetcht away as I paid for them: at last I bought several parcels of
Goods to a great value, and fetcht away most of them, which I sold to
profit: but one parcel of 500_l._ being a failing and decaying
Commodity, I left in their hands so long, that it was much damaged; and
unwilling, and indeed unable to pay for them, was arrested, and clapt up
into prison; where I was forc’d to lie a great while, till I had spent
and consumed most of what I had; and at length they finding there was
nothing to be got by me, released me, I releasing my bargain: which I
willingly did, but soon after repented it; for the price of that
Commodity rising, it soon amounted to great profit; and whereas I should
have lost, I now might have gained, as they did by the sale of it, neer



_The Drugster having failed in_ London, _goes to live in the Country;
  where by counterfeiting a sickness, and making a Will, he gets into
  Credit, and borrowing Money falls again to Trading._

This Misfortune of my Imprisonment did sensibly afflict me; especially,
when I understood that instead of loss, I might have gained by holding
to my bargain; but it now being past, could not be helpt. I was reduced
to such necessity, that not onely all my Money, but my Plate and best
Goods were sold; and not onely my Wife, but my Whore parted from their
Rings and Jewels to redeem me: for when I was in prison, every body that
I owed money to, though never so little, came upon me; and though I came
off with my great Action easily enough, yet many other little ones stuck
close to me, which I was forced to discharge. I had now time enough to
consider my forepassed Actions, and to examine my self what I had done
to deserve this affliction; I bethought me of the trick I first served
my Mistresses Sister, in cheating her of her Money and Virginity; but
that stuck not much upon me, because I thought her to be justly enough
fitted for delaying me, distrusting me, and other bad practices I knew
her guilty of; but when I considered the wrong I had lately done the two
brothers, in first raising a difference, and then continuing it between
them, and not onely prosecuting the elder brother so highly my self, but
putting another of my acquaintance (to whom I knew he was indebted) upon
him to sue and arrest him, with all the disgrace that I could, by
causing it to be done on a Sunday as he went to Church, I my self
attending: This consideration possessed me with an opinion that this
Judgement was justly fallen upon me for this cause, I being rightly
enough fitted, being likewise my self arrested on a Sunday, as I was
going to Church: but now being discharged of my Imprisonment, I
bethought me what course I was to take, and resolved, that since I had
suffered disgrace in the City, it were best for me to remove into the
Country, where I was not known; therefore I soon took a house of
considerable value, and putting my self in a very good Habit, and in
equipage every ways suitable, I and my Wife, with most of my family
removed from my _London_ to my Country-house; I soon got my self
acquainted with the best and wealthiest people of the place, and gave
them very handsome treats and entertainments at my house, which they
answered me with the like civility.

Though I had been a Prisoner, yet I had play’d my Cards so well in
paying my small debts, and told my tale so advantagiously about my great
Action, that I had preserved a sufficient credit with some of my
Dealers; so that making up about fifty pound out of my Wives and Wenches
Rings, Jewels, and some Plate, I was entrusted with 100_l._ worth of
Commodities, with which I set up another Trade in the Country: this
turned to good account: for I seldom ventured on any thing, but it was
effectual and to purpose; and if I would wholly have bent my minde to
get Money, I might have had a good estate; but I affected pleasure equal
to, and above profit; and though I was thus low in the World, yet I
still kept my Wench, whom I had now quartered in the mid-way between my
_London_ and Country-house, and therefore could lye with her
commodiously enough, and tell my wife, if at my Country, that I lay at
the _London_ house; and so on the contrary.

As I thus enjoyed my pleasure, so I now began to be more wary, and look
after profit, which I did to good purpose; but I now wanted a
Father-in-Law who was a moneyed man, or some other friend who would
furnish me with money; and if I could but have produced three or four
hundred pounds in ready money, I questioned not but to make
extraordinary advantage; for this end I thought on several ways, and at
length did hit upon one that did my business. I travelling in the
Winter, took an extraordinary cold that forced me to keep my bed for
some days, and indeed I did so longer then I needed; for I counterfeited
an extraordinary sickness, and that I was much troubled with the Stone
and Collick; and so desperate ill I pretended my self to be, that my
Wife lamenting, and my Children and Family being in much disorder, I was
perswaded to make my Will: to this I consented; and the Scrivener of the
Town was sent for; I then told him, that by reason of my Childrens
childhood, and my Wives incapacity to manage affairs, I was in a great
strait how to dispose of my Estate, which though it was considerable
enough, yet if it were not well managed, would soon come to nothing; I
now being in a strange Town, distant from _London_, where my
acquaintance lived, I knew not well what person to intrust as Executor,
unless, said I, Mr. _B._ of this Town would do me the kindness to take
that trouble on him, which I would willingly requite by a sufficient
Legacy, and my Wife and Children would be bound to pray for him. Sir,
said the Scrivener, I question not but he will do it; and if you please,
I will not onely ask him, but perswade him thereto. I thank you kindly,
said I, and for this offer of your friendship, I shall give you a Legacy
as a Remembrance of me; and therefore, I pray, take notice of the heads
of my Will, and then go with it to Master B. and shewing it to him, make
this request to him in my behalf: whereupon the Scrivener began, and I
dictated to him, what, and to whom I would give; which was 1000_l._ to
my Wife, 300 a piece to my Children, and several other Legacies,
amounting in all to near 3000_l._ and 100_l._ I gave to my intended
Executor, and 10_l._ to the Scrivener.

This affair being thus ordered, the Scrivener departed, and went to
Master _B._ my intended Executor, who being a well-monyed man, and
withal very covetous, was very glad of the matter, and willingly
accepted of the offer, and within few hours came to me, and told me he
was very sorry for my sickness, and wished my recovery; but if he could
do me any service living, or to my Wife and Children if I should die,
which he hoped would not happen, he should be ready and willing both in
purse and person to assist me. I then told him what I had done as to my
Will, and withal caused my Account-books to be produced, where I shewed
and demonstrated how my Estate stood, and in whose hands it was (having
prepared false Accompts for that purpose:) he seeing the matter so
plain, and hoping to get a fleece out of my Estate, caused the Scrivener
to proceed and finish the Will, which I sealed; but during his stay with
me at that time, and some other times when he visited me, I so
counterfeited faintings and pain, that he and all others neer me, did
fully conclude, I was no man for this World.

After I had managed this affair to the height, I soon recovered, and had
now not only gained this old penny-father to be my friend, but by his
and the Scriveners reports of my Estate, had many others, who more then
ordinarily respected me, and made me tenders of their service: all which
I thankfully refused at present, as not having any need. Soon after
this, I hearkned out a place, for which I was to give 1000_l._ and it
being a good penny-worth, I engaged in it: I made a shift to raise two
hundred pound of my own moneys, and that was all I was then able to do;
but pretending I had of my own five hundred pound in money, I soon
perswaded my intended Executor to furnish me with five hundred pound
more; and so paying seven hundred pound to my Chapman, he took my word
for three hundred pound more. This place put me in very great credit;
and now, as well my _London_ as my Country-acquaintance looked on me
with respect, supposing all to be true that had been discoursed of me. I
did not long keep this place, but sold it for an 100_l._ profit, and so
became Master of more ready money then ever, with which I again came to
_London_, wholly leaving my Country-house, and paying my Country
Penny-father part of his moneys: and with that little of my own, and the
rest that was left, and what I had gained, I took a house and Shop in
the place where I now live, and drive a Trade equal to the best of my
Neighbours; onely I have had some dealings of late, which have a little
puzzled me, as I lately told you, when I had my trial; but he that
slander’d me paying so dear as 200_l._ damages, will not onely himself
beware, but alwaies teach others to hold their peace.


                              CHAP. XXXI.

_The Drugster now breaking in earnest, endeavours to cheat his
  Creditors, and convey himself and Estate into_ Holland; _but is
  discovered, and his Estate seized, and himself stopt; but by
  assistance of the Relator, he gets off, and having a good sum of
  Money, and the Scrivener and his Wench, all get away, and travel to
  the_ East-Indies.

Thus did the Drugster finish his story. I received satisfaction equal to
whatever I had either in the Scrivener, Bookseller, or any other
Relation; for I found that his Actions had been different from theirs;
for what they did under the cloak of honesty, he did under that of
Religion, which I found was too often the covering of _Knavery_. This
Discourse being ended, and our Wine out, we parted; proffering to each
other all kinde of service: and indeed it was through his occasion, and
to do him service, that I am come to this place, so far from my Country;
I shall therefore give you an account of his last Actions in _England_,
which are as remarkable as any I have hitherto related to you; as also
somewhat further of the Scrivener, who is our other Companion; and so
finish this large Narrative, which I doubt hath almost wearied you.

I being unwilling to hinder the Traveller in prosecuting his Story, had
with much pleasure attended and hearkned to what he had said; and though
his Discourse was long, and had taken up much time, yet I found so much
pleasing variety, that made me ample satisfaction and amends; and being
desirous to know the rest of their Adventures, and what fortune or
misfortune had brought them hither, I desired him to proceed, which he
did in this manner:

I was now acquainted with three persons, (_viz._ the Scrivener,
Bookseller, and Drugster, an account of whose actions I have given you)
that gave me full satisfaction, and put me into an absolute opinion,
that there was not onely _Knavery_ used in all Trades and Professions,
but that most Trades were composed of, and most Estates gotten by
over-reaching and _Knavery_: I therefore resolved to look about me, and
see what I could do in the world; and having an intimate and familiar
acquaintance with the Scrivener, I was by him supplyed with what money I
desired, laying it out in Clothes, which I bought at the second hand,
and sold again to my profit, and so repaying the Scrivener, who took no
other interest then a Pint or a Quart of Wine. I did light upon so many
good Bargains, that I had gained a stock of about fifty pound of my own,
and my Master did not contradict or deny me in my dealing, because I
assisted him in his profit, by bringing him Customers of our Club and
acquaintance; I brought the Scrivener and Drugster to be acquainted
together, and they liked one another so well, that they contracted a
friendship, which had hitherto lasted; and the Scrivener was likewise
assistant to the Drugster in procuring him moneys at a pinch, which he
honestly repaid him; and the Captain (which I told you the Scrivener
first adventured to Sea withal, so much to their own profit, and the
loss of the Insurers) was now a person admitted into our Society, and
being now got up again in the world, became Master of a good Ship, and
was often imployed by the Drugster, and others of his acquaintance, on
several short Voyages to _Holland_, when at his return he was assisted
in securing and conveying much prohibited and uncustomed Goods by the
Drugster, which was to the very great gain of them both; and in general
we all thrived very well, till fortune, who is always changeable, in
short time turn’d tail upon the Drugster, and had like to have crush’d
him to nothing. He being at the height of his Trade, and studying now
onely how to be an Alderman, did drive a great Trade, buying and selling
much Commodities, both Drugs and Grocery Ware, and indeed any other
Merchandize whatever, nothing came amiss to him, till at length he not
onely had a great loss at Sea, but buying a great quantity of Pot-ashes,
intending to make a great profit by keeping them up, he lost 1000_l._ at
a clap; for much of that Commodity coming in unexpectedly, he was forced
to sell his at great loss: these two unlucky hits, both falling on the
neck of one another, shrewdly squeezed him; but he being of a great
courage, took little notice of it to the World, but still run on all
that he could, adventuring a great part of the remainder of his Estate
to Sea, which likewise failing, he was quite undone; but remembring that
he had been in as bad condition formerly, and still made a shift to come
off clear, and creep up again, his credit being still high, he bought
great quantities of Goods upon credit, to pay at three months; but not
knowing how to bestir himself, being now got very highly in Debt, and
knowing very well that he could not make profit enough by those Goods to
set himself to rights, he thereupon bethought himself of conveying away
what he had, and giving all his Creditors the slip: he had two other
inducements that moved him thereto, the one was his Wives death, which
was lately happened, and the other was his Wenches consent and earnest
desire for him to do so, promising him to assist him in all she could,
and also to accompany him in his Voyage.

This being agreed, the place intended for his Voyage being _Holland_, he
sold as much Goods in _London_ at an under-rate for ready money, as he
received 600_l._ for; and the rest of his goods amounting to 1500_l._
worth, was put on board a Ship, which was immediately to set sail for
_Amsterdam_; his Lady being on board the Ship, but in a Disguise,
_Virago_-like, habited in mans apparel: he carried not his designe so
closely, but some of his Creditors got knowledge of it, and
understanding the business to be desperate, took out a Statute of
Bankrupt, and going on board the Ship seized on all; he being then at
_London_, taking leave of me, the Scrivener, and some other friends.
This being done, the news came quickly to his knowledge; for before we
parted, two of his Creditors, accompanied with Officers, not onely
acquainted him with what they had done, but also secured his person. We
were all surprized at this action, especially the Drugster, who now
appeared more dead then alive; and though he was asked many Questions,
yet he knew not readily how to answer one; and therefore they soon left
us, carrying him away to one of their own houses, where they
tyrannically kept him for some days, not permitting any person to come
at him; for though I attempted it, 'twas in vain. The Scrivener and I
being together, wondred at the action, and could not tell what should be
the occasion of this sudden business; for the Drugster had not
acquainted us with the bottom of his designe, onely telling us, that he
was to go a two Months Voyage to _Holland_, and so return. I then parted
from the Scrivener, and attempted to see and to speak with my friend the
Drugster, but it could not be at present; but by often importuning and
pretending business of consequence, in ten days time I was permitted to
see and speak with him; when having secured and examined the Chamber
where he was, that none might over-hear our Discourse, he soon
acquainted me with every particular of his business and designe; nor did
he relate to me that his Wench was on board in mans apparel, and how he
had given 100_l._ in silver into her Custody. But, said I, where is the
other 500_l._ for in all I heard you say, you had 600_l._ in ready
money? That said he, I hope is safe, if my Clothes are so; and
therefore, I pray, said he, assist me a little in this affair, and
enquire what is become of the Wench and my Clothes, and I doubt not but
in few days to put all things right enough again. I not onely promised
him to do my utmost, but went about it very faithfully; and going on
board the Ship, found that all was gone; but upon enquiry, heard that
the young man that was to accompany the Drugster in the Voyage, was on
shore at a house not far off: thither I went, and upon enquiry found out
the party: I desired private speech with him, for she went for a man:
this was granted, and I discovering my self so plainly to her in every
particular, she made no great difficulty to be as free with me, and told
me, that all was gone, Clothes, and every thing else, except her own
Box, where she had secured the 100_l._ that was given to her; and,
continued she, My friend could not have employed any person to me, to
whom I would have been so free as I shall be to you: for though you do
not know me in this Habit, yet I suppose, had I my woman’s dress, you
would soon remember me: I then protested to her, that I could not call
her Phisnomy to minde. Well, said she, we have been more inward, and ere
now lain together; and thereupon told me, that she was one of those
three that I lay with in one night, and had redeemed from pawn, as I
have formerly told you, at my last coming to _London_. Upon this, though
she was in breeches; I made bold to kiss her and embrace her: Well, said
she, proceed no further, there may be time enough for the rest; let us
now consult what is necessary to be done for our distressed friend; for,
said she, if you and he desire it, I shall be willing to part from all
the hundred pounds, which I am yet Mistress of. Well, replyed I, you are
the most generous and deserving Woman of all your Sex, especially of
your Quality, not onely for what you now offer, but what I formerly by
experience, and lately by his Relations have understood of you. Truely,
replyed she, where I promise fidelity, I perform it; and where I finde
worth, I will endeavour to deserve and requite it: and though I have
lived wantonly, yet since I was entertained by this Gentleman as his
friend, I have been wholly constant, and will persevere therein so long
as he is able, or I can otherwise handsomely contrive a way to subsist.
In this you are very obliging, said I, but I hope you will not deny any
old friend a courtesie. Well, said she, more of that hereafter. From
this discourse we fell to the matter in hand, consulting and contriving
what was most necessary to be done for our friends present
accommodation: for the present, we agreed all the money should lye in
her hands, onely she should remove her quarters to the place appointed.

This being done, I again repaired to him, and acquainted him with my
proceedings; he was glad I had found her and the hundred pound: but when
I told him that the Chest with his Clothes were gone and secured from
him, he was almost out of his wits, cryed out that now he was miserable,
and never till now. Well, said I, come, be contented, there may be a way
found to remedy this evil. No, said he, never till I am again Master of
that Chest with my Clothes. Upon this he was silent, and soon after two
of his chief Creditors entred the Chamber, and told him that if he would
be ingenious with them, that they would not onely release him, but put
Money in his Pocket, that he might trade again: For, said one of them,
we have been at great cost already for the taking out the Commission of
Banckrupt, and the Commissioners Fees for sitting hath already cost two
hundred pound, and it every day runs up to more and more; So that in
fine, it will consume the Estate, unless you will assist us in making up
your accounts; for there are several that we supposed had owed you
money, do put in for to have a share with us: and thereupon, they named
two or three parties who had demanded monies of them. To this the
Drugster replyed, that he owed no such sums as were pretended, and that
one of them owed him two hundred pound; he alledging this, and offering
to prove it, they desired him to provide against the next day to appear
before the Commissioners; and if he did justifie this, they would
immediately discharge him. This being agreed on, they left him, and he
was now in somewhat better taking than he had been, and I encouraged him
to bear up, and hope for the best. Well, said he, if I can but get my
Chest of Clothes again I care not; and I pray fail not to be with me to
morrow, and get my Mistress to send me ten pound, that I may have
occasion to use. We discoursed not much further for the present, but
parted; and I returning home to my Masters, asked leave to be absent for
that night; to which he consented; and indeed, I had so much liberty,
that I might stay out so long as I pleased, my Master using me rather
like a Companion then a Servant.

I now went to the Drugsters Lady, and my _quondam_-acquaintance, and
informing her of my business, she freely delivered me ten pound: But,
said I, this is not all, I must have somewhat else before I go; and
thereupon called for Wine, and we drank so briskly, that we were both
pretty merry: And it being now late, she asked me where I intended to
lodge: I said, with her; That must not be, replyed she: and indeed I had
somewhat to do to perswade her to it; but at length I did, and we lay
together without any suspition, she going for a man. We often
interchanged many amorous imbraces, and performed all those dalliances
that two longing Lovers could expect, and made many protestations of a
farther friendship: I telling her, that I believed her friend the
Drugster would not be offended, if he knew of our enjoyments, and would
as well impart her to me, as he had done his chiefest secrets: Well,
said she, if you gain his consent, you command mine, and I therefore
leave it to your management; and I suppose if you tell him of our former
acquaintance, the greatest difficulty will be overcome. This I thought
would be a ready way, as indeed it was: and since then we have had an
equal enjoyment of her; she having lain with one of us every night
since, and during our Voyage hither, and is one of those two are in mens
apparel, and is called _George_.

But, said I, to return to my matter in hand, I the next morning parted
from her, and with ten pound in my pocket, went to my friend, who was
going before the Commissioners, whither I attended him; and there he
carried himself with so much freedom and ingenuity, that he was set at
liberty, and promised more favours: he then made it his request, that he
might have the Chest with his Clothes: to this some consented, but
others replied, all must be apprised, and till then nothing could be
disposed of, and therefore they demanded the key of him: this he
refused; but they told him, that then they would break it open: he
seeing there was no other remedy, promised to bring it the next morning,
and then desired they might be apprised, and delivered to him: and thus
they parted; and after he and I had drunk a Pint of Wine, we also

As I was going home I met with the Scrivener, who being desirous to know
how matters went with the Drugster, would enforce a glass of Wine on me;
when I told him all the matter, and omitting nothing, we judged that his
five hundred pound was in that Chest with his Clothes, and that now he
would be stripp’d of it. But, said the Scrivener, I wish he were Master
of that Money, and then I should propound a way to him to leave them, by
making him partner in a design which I have lately projected, and is now
neer execution.

I needed not use many words to perwsade him to acquaint me with his
design, wherefore after few words, he opened to me the matter thus:

I have, said he, lived in so full an enjoyment of every thing here, that
I am weary of it, being tied to one place; and my spirit being of a
soaring rambling temper, am desirous of novelty and change; and to that
end I have some time since purposed, and lately contrived a way to leave
_England_ for some other place, and consulting with the Captain whom you
know, have resolved for the _East-Indies_, whither he is now bound: and
that I might not go away beggerly, (for I never intend to return, unless
very rich) I have contrived a way how to carry good store of money with
me, which I am now plentifully provided with. Yes, said I, I know it is
no difficulty for you to procure what money you will, having the keeping
of so much Cash. You are mistaken, said he, I intend not to wrong my
Master of a penny, but have done it otherwise, the manner thus:

My Master hath lately taken a Journey into the Country, and left the
sole management of his affairs to me; and resolving now to make use of
my time, I have put my Project in Execution. I have been with one of our
Money-Masters, and told him, that such a man, whom he knew to be a good
man, that is, a rich man, wanted so much Money; this he readily
consented to, and I had the Money delivered to me, only giving him a
Bond, whereto I have counterfeited the name of him whom I told him was
the Borrower, and my self, with one more was a witness: this have I done
with two or three, who I was confident would trust me; and with two I
have pretended they would borrow of one another two hundred pound
apiece, and given each of them a Counterfeit bond; and I cannot chuse
but smile, to think in what a case they will both be when the time of
payment comes, and instead of receiving, they will demand two hundred
pounds of each other: it may be, they will be so frolick as to go to
law; if they do, it will make good sport for the Lawyers. By this means,
as I tell you, I have raised fifteen hundred pounds, which I have all
ready by me in good Jocobusses, and am ready in ten days to march off
with my Captain for the _East-Indies_; now if the Drugster had his Money
in readiness, I should be glad of so good Company. I heard him with much
delight, and from that very minute resolved to make one of the Company,
and then offered him my service, which he kindly accepted of, and
promised me that I should share all fortunes with him.

I went back to my Mistress, and provided my self for my Voyage: and the
next day the Drugster bringing his Keys, the Chest where his Clothes
were was opened, and all in it was examined, but no Money found: I
remember at every parcel of Clothes they took, his eye was so fixed,
that I thought he would never remove it; but at length all was pass’d
over, and the Clothes prized at twenty pounds: he earnestly entreated
that he might have them; but they replied, they could not do it without
the consent of all, unless they gave so much out of their own pockets,
and they had already lost too much by him. He finding that there was no
way but one, took me with him to a Tavern, and conjured me to do him one
kindness, which was, by all means to purchase these Clothes at any rate;
giving me the ten pound I had brought him, and five pound more, he knew
not at present what to do for five or ten pounds more, which he advised
me to give for the Clothes rather than fail. It was too far to go to his
Ladies Quarters, wherefore I out of my own stock supplied that want; and
then going to the Creditors, with much ado perswaded one of them, who
had the Keys, to sell me the Clothes: he would not consent to do this,
unless I would give him thirty pound, which was ten pound more then they
were apprized at: though the demand was unreasonable, yet I was forced
to consent; and putting ten pound of the money into his own pockets,
willingly delivered the Clothes to me, charging me not to discover what
I gave. I did not much heed what he said, but gladly received the Chest
and key, and carried it to the Drugster, who with much impatience
expected me; it being carried up into a private Chamber, and the door
fast locked, he unlocked the Chest, and took out the Clothes, and
drawing his Knife, unript the Collar of a Doublet, where were several
pieces of Gold: Nay then, said he, we are still safe, and I defie
Fortune and all her malice: in less then half an hour, with my
assistance, we found out 500 _l._ in Gold, which was sewed up in several
places about the Clothes. This being done, I soon acquainted him with
the Scriveners Project, and my resolution: to this he likewise
consented, only, said he, I must not leave my honest Girl behind me. For
that, said I, I question not but I shall have some influence to perswade
her; and thereupon I acquainted him with my former knowledge of her:
Well, said he, since it is so, we will continue her a friend to us both,
and not entertain any jealousie. In fine, we agreed not only in that
particular, but in every thing else; and the Scrivener being acquainted
with all our designs, we so ordered the matter, that I, the Drugster,
and our Mistress, and the Scrivener and a Wench of his, whom he had
likewise put into mans Apparel, did all come on board with all our
Treasure into our Captains Ship which was in the _Downs_, and bound for
this place; and so having good Winds, good Company, and every thing to
our content, are all safely arrived in this place.


                              CHAP. XXXII.

_He being now by the Relator brought acquainted with the Scrivener,
  Drugster, and the rest of his Companions; they enter into discourse
  about the several Factious Religions practised in_ England.

Thus did our Relator finish his long story, which was so filled with
profit, as well as pleasure, that I accounted the time I had spent in
hearing him the best bestowed of any: for I gathered so much variety of
experiences, that if I had any minde to prosecute my former course of
life in cheating and Roguing, I might now soon profess my self to be my
Arts-Master, if I did but bravely follow those Examples he had related
to me: but if they were any wise improved, as I had a Genius fit enough
to be highly active, I might then out-do all Example.

These were my first thoughts, but I had not much time to spend in
contemplation: but he having put an end to his discourse, I kindly
thanked him for his great freedom used in his relation; and told him,
that since he had been so generous to me in unbosoming himself, I in
requital did promise him a lasting friendship, and at our first leasure
recount some of my life to him, which I had hitherto concealed, that
should give him satisfaction that I intended to use an absolute freedom
with him.

Thus did we contract a friendship, and it was now time to eat somewhat,
the best part of the day having been spent in his long narrative: such
as the house afforded we had, and after a repast, we concluded both to
go on board of their Ship to finde out his Companions; he resolving to
acquaint them with what had passed between us, and to let them know my
quality, believing they would be well enough satisfied with what he had
done, because they might have great occasion to make use of me.

In this resolution we were preparing to go to the Ship, when the
Scrivener and Drugster entred the house, enquiring for their Companion,
who presenting himself to them, they desired him to walk out, that they
might confer together: No, said he, let us take a Room here and
discourse, which we may do with as much freedom as any where else: he
urging it, they consented, and having a private Room and necessaries,
after a cup or two of Wine I left their company, on purpose to give my
friend the _Taylor_ (who was called _Gregory_) the opportunity of
acquainting them with what had passed between us, which I suppose he did
in very few words; for within half an hour I was called for, and being
kindly saluted by the two Gentlemen, was desired to sit down and make
one of their Company. After a Cup or two of Wine more had passed, my
friend _Gregory Taylor_ thus spake to me: Friend, I have acquainted
these my two Friends and Companions with our late discourse, and by that
they know that all their affairs are known to you also; I have told them
what I know of you, & we are all sensible that your acquaintance may be
very useful and necessary in all things, but much more your friendship:
Wherefore, as you say I by my freedom with you have merited your
acquaintance and friendship; so I desire the same room in your brest for
my Friends, who by me desire it, and in requital you shall command ours;
and whatever we have, you shall be equally Master of with our selves.

I made no long pause in replying to them, that they might command my
love and friendship, and in that my all, to render them the utmost
testimonies that I could. And thus did we all agree to have a friendly
correspondence, and to conceal nothing of our affairs one from another.
We then drank off some more Wine; and though their two Ladies and the
Captain were absent, yet we remembred them in our Cups, and resolved the
next day to dine all on board the Ship: and at my importunity I so far
prevailed, as that the Women might appear there in their own
Female-Habits; for it had now been a long time since I saw any
_European_ beauties.

We after this discoursed of many affairs of general consequence, as the
manner of the Countries, and Governments both Ecclesiastical and Civil,
in which we spent some time: but in regard all that can be said of that
matter, is already related in the second Chapter of this second part; I
shall therefore here forbear it: but it wrought much upon the spirit of
the Drugster; who having formerly been a great stickler in Religion, was
amazed that there was so good a correspondence in Religion, which was as
he imagined so barbarous: Well, said he, I finde that most places enjoy
a greater happiness in their conformities in Religion, then our Native
Country of _England_; for there, instead of Unity and loving Conformity,
they are rent and torn in peeces into many Factions; and that hath been
the principal occasion of the effusion of so much blood as hath been
spilt of late years; and when I left _England_, there was still a
discontented party that was ready on all occasions to attempt a publique
mischief for their private interest, and onely to maintain a private
self-will’d-fancy, which they term’d Religion.

I my self was for a long time bewitcht with a Fanatick Zeal; and my
Master being a man of the same Humour, had instill’d such Principles
into me, that I had much ado to have any charity for any person that was
in the right: but in time I finding a great deal of strictness in the
precise practice, and that under pretence of much Zeal, there was more
Covetousness then in any other perswasion; I quitted that perswasion for
another, and shifted so long, that I found my life but one continued
Comedy of errors. In the end I went over to the Episcopal party, & one
of the most powerful reasons that I had to follow the Independant
perswasion, was a Woman, my Mistresses Sister, as I suppose you have
already heard. Yes, said I, this our friend hath given me satisfaction
in that particular, and I very well approve of the revenge you had upon
her: and as for my own part, I was once a very great Lover of the Ramble
my self, but left it, out of a more generous consideration: for being in
company with an Orthodox Parson, he told me that I was much mistaken in
my opinions; he gave me such a Character of a Libertine Zealot, as I
knew to be true, and wholly put me out of conceit with the Faction: they
were now all desirous to hear what was said to that particular; and
therefore I told them I would recollect my self, and give them the best
account that I could, and such a one as I believed they would conclude
with me, was not onely ingenious, but true: and thereupon I began in
this manner.




                     _The Character of a Libertine

To describe him right, is a task like that of the Taylor who took
measure of the Devil; for there is nothing more like him upon Earth then
he: He is lined with Covetousness, and covered with Hypocrisie, the Root
and Cloak of all evil. Although at this time he carries a Bible, yet
upon occasion he wears a Sword; so that it is hard to say, whether he be
of the Tribe of _Simeon_ or _Levi_. He swallows contrary Oaths faster
then the Eagles in the Tower do gobbets of flesh; for the way to Hell,
and the Conscience of a Libertine, are two broad things. He condemns the
lawful Rites and Ceremonies of the Church; and is more ravished with the
squeaking of a Tythe-pig, then with the Musick of Organs.

He appears at his Preachment (like _Æsops_ Crow) in a dress of borrowed
feathers; for he preaches the works of other men, which are so much the
worse for the coming out of his mouth, as Wares for being of the second
hand. But it would grieve your heart to see how he racks the ancient
Fathers, when he makes his own confession, and mangles the Modern
Divines more barbarously then the Hang-man did the body of _Hugh
Peters_; I am sure poor _Priscian_ gets many a broken head.

His Eloquence consists altogether in rayling, as though he had got his
education at _Billinsgate_. In his discourse he runs on like a Mad-dog,
foaming and open-mouth’d, yelping at the Reverend Bishops; and even
accounts many of his own Brethren, the Sectaries, as mad as himself. Yet
sometimes he perceives that his stuff is too short for the hour-Glass;
and then the wheels of his Rhetorick move very heavily: he then spends
much time in humming and spitting; and with the wiping of his Nose,
makes many a filthy Parenthesis.

As for his Text, he handles that as _Moses_ did his Rod when it was
turned into a Serpent, he lays it down, and runs away from it: yet his
Sermon lies all written before him; for the poor Copy-holder in Divinity
can do nothing without his Notes. This his weakness, he would have you
think, is his worth; for he chargeth men of abler parts with
presumption: Yet when he prays, he shuts his Eyes, preferring Nonsense
and Tautologies before the Divine Lyturgy. _Vain Wretch, that dares not
speak to men without Papers, and yet presumes to talk to God_ extempore!
As for his Congregation, he Saints or reprobates them, according to what
they give him; and like a Gypsie, tells good Fortune to none but those
that cross his hand with a piece of silver; and by him, as well as by
the Pope, you may be Canonized for mony: Thus he is a meer _Balaam_,
that blesseth and curseth for reward: he that opposeth him, acts the
part of an Angel; but he that submits to him is worse then an Ass. If
you consider his constancy, he is a kind of _Religious Proteus_, that is
now ready to fawn upon that Power against which he hath so long bark’d.
If therefore there be a Church in _England_ which consists of men,
surely, _The Orthodox, faithful, constant Ministers, are the Doors,
Windows, Pillars, Bells and Candlesticks_; and the rest serve only for

It is confessed, that at the beginning of this happy Reformation, he was
a little stubborn: perhaps, expecting a second War; but now (poor heart)
he hath learned to pray for his Majesty: but (if you could hear the
language of his Soul) it is so, as impatient heirs pray for their rich
fathers. There are two sorts of men, who having escaped a deserved pair
of Gallows, pray for the King very strangely, that is, a Felon, whilst
the Executioner burns his hand; and a Traytor, whilst the Devil sears
his Conscience.

If you would know his name, you may finde it subscrib’d to an ugly
Petition; for where _Bradshaw_ was a _Pilate_ that condemned, he was one
of those Jews that cry’d Crucifie. He professes sorrow for the Martyrdom
of our late Soveraign; but believe him not, for his hand helped to hale
him to the Block. In a word, he is (at best) but a State-Crocodile, and
one that is Maudlin-drunk with the Kings blood.

No more, but if you chance to meet with a Hue and Cry, you may tell
them, that he was lately in a Sequestred Parsonage.

This Character was hugely pleasing to the Drugster; and indeed, he and
his two Companions, the Scrivener, and _Gregory_ the Taylor, did all
conclude, that it was very ingeniously true, and gave much satisfaction
to them in that particular; and they all agreed, _That the Dissenters
from the Church, were the Murtherers of their Prince_.

They all so well approving of what had been said of these Varlets, I
told them that I could likewise relate somewhat else of the same
Gentlemans composure, who writ that _Character_; and which I did
conclude to be altogether as ingenious, and that it was a great novelty,
having never as yet been in Print: they being earnest in their desires
to hear me, I told them it was only the fifth Fable of _Æsop_ Moralized;
and thereupon I began as follows:

          _The Brutes would once go hunt: a nimble Crew
          Of those that dwell in Dens and Caves pursue
          And take a goodly Stag, who in his fall
          Proclaims sufficient booties unto all.
          Each Beast being troubled with their hungry maws,
          Were urging Clyents to their panting Jaws:
          Divide, says one; another cries, Cast lots;
          With that, the Lyon Roars, Away ye Scots:
          Who’s that who says divide? pray be content,
          The first part’s mine, because most excellent;
          And but one part! nay, then you do me wrong,
          A second part is mine, because most strong;
          And if you dare give credit to my word,
          Our pain and sweat have merited a third.
          Now there remains a fourth, which is but small,
          And scarce worth speaking of amongst you all;
          Which you may give me willingly; and thus,
          Renew the friendship betwixt you and us.
          Be wise therefore; is it more safe to move
          A Lyons anger, or confirm his love?
          For if you shew the least unwillingness,
          I’ll make you know the Senior of your Mess.
          This said, the Hunters were amaz’d thereat;
          They knew their distance, and they durst not prate,
          But hung their tails betwixt their legs for shame,
          And went away more hungry then they came._

This, said I, was the Fable, which though it had already admitted of
many Paraphrases and Morals, yet was never yet in my opinion so fit and
aptly moralized, as in what I shall here recite, which I did thus:

          _But take away the Brutes, and clear the Stage;
          Enter those mighty Nimrods of the Age:
          That cursed Crew that hunted for a Throne,
          And made a Babel in Religion.
          Lo here they come, that_ England _did express
          To be more brutish than a Wilderness:
          A Wide-mouth’d-yelping-cur, with a long ear,
          Of a Scotch brood, they call’d him ----:
          Cerberus was his Syre, and for his dam
          A Beast to whom_ Adam _never gave name.
          The solemn Covenant which he did take,
          Hung like a pair of Couples on his neck:
          The which he soon shook off; nay more, the Dog
          Threw by his conscience, 'twas a tedious Clog.
          And then began the game: Actæons hounds
          Ne'er gave their Master half so many wounds,
          As these their King: it was a hellish brood
          That took the sent of none but Royal blood.
          Loud was their Cry, and nimble was their Race;
          A sadder hunting far than_ Chevy Chase.
          _But at the length, the Royal Hart they take,
          Nor would they spare his life for_ Cæsars _sake;
          But he must dye, yet Noble ---- scorns
          His share, ---- onely got the Horns.
          But like the Lyon,_ Cromwel, _that great man,
          Made of_ Behemoth _and_ Leviathan,
          _Thus speaks; And do you think, my friends, to share
          That Prize in Peace, which I obtain’d in War?
          Divide the spoil, and then as General I
          Claim the first part due for my Excellency.
          A second part our able strength demands;
          A third is mine, 'cause these victorious hands
          In all those fights wherein we had to do,
          Were the most painful and most prosperous too.
          Thus our activity, and strength, and worth,
          Have won three parts, there onely rests a fourth;
          Which we’ll with love accept, but if deny’d,
          Our sword shall teach you better to divide.
          Thus, as our Saviours Vesture, which might not
          Be cut in pieces, was obtain’d by lot:
          So our great_ Charles _his power, which could not be
          Dissolv’d into an Aristocracie,
          Was Tyrant_ Cromwels _share; and now our whips
          Were turn’d to Scorpions: Now the grand Eclipse
          Began; we saw no Sun for twice seven years,
          Onely two fatal Stars by turns appears:
          Protectorship, and Rumpship did prevail:_
          Nol _was the_ Dragons _head, and they the tail.
          But welcome_ Charles _the Second, happy are we,
          That_ Britain_’s Monarchy’s restor’d in thee;
          If_ Cromwels _life had put a period to't,
          It’d both begun and ended in a Brute._

If they were pleas’d with the foregoing Characters, this Fable thus
moralized gave them much more satisfaction, and highly contented them;
for the truth contained in it, was undeniable, and it was expressed with
much ingenuity, and they told me that certainly he that composed these
two things, the Character and Fable, was a person very ingenious, and
able to convert any that were seduced in that Faction, unless they were
very obstinate, as most of that Faction were: for having been Rebellious
to their Prince, they made that saying true, _That Rebellion is as the
sin of Witchcraft, not to be repented of_.

In this discourse of the several Factions in Religion we spent some
time; and the Drugster being best acquainted with all of them, made a
discourse of every one in particular from top to bottom: and when he
came to speak of them, he told us that he supposed there would now in a
short time be some end of these growing Factions; Because, said he, that
Quakerism is the last that is risen up, and it is now above twelve years
since it began to be famous; and though hitherto it encreases, yet they
have not found any other novelty from that, as at first there was out of
the first Religious faction: but there is none that is produced by the
Quaker; so that it is hoped that will be the last of the Factions. I
have heard of one small Faction that contradicts the Quakers, and that
is one _Muggeltons_ Sect, who together with one _Reeve_, does pretend to
be the two last Witnesses that are to come upon earth. _Reeve_ is some
time since dead, but _Muggleton_ surviving him, is a great enemy to the
Quakers, and their chief Opponent; for they questioning his Call, he for
that cause Damns them; and so absolute he is, that he says, after he
hath damn’d them, they cannot be saved, not by Providence it self. He
professes in one of his writings, being an Interpretation of the 11
Chapter of the _Revelations_, That he, and he alone can give a true
Interpretation of the Scripture, and unfold the whole Counsel of God,
concerning himself, the Devil, and all Mankind from the foundation of
the world to all Eternity; and this was never revealed by any of the
sons of men, untill now: Thus subscribing his Papers, By _Lodowick
Muggleton_, one of the two last Commissionated Witnesses and Prophets of
the only High, Immortal, Glorious God, _Christ Jesus_.

We told the Drugster that this Sect of _Muggletons_ we had not heard of;
and I being very desirous to be further acquainted with this opinion,
asked him if he had read his Writings, Yes, said he, and there is as
extraordinary matters and opinions handled and treated of therein, as
any Sect that this last age hath produced: nay, and more absolute he
would make himself then all others; but he more especially writes
against the Quakers, in a manner condemning them all in general. I
desiring to be more particularly informed of his writings, he granted my
request, and proceeded as followeth:

This Book of his writing, said he, falling into the hands of one _Edward
Bourn_ a Quaker, is by him despised and cavilled at; for, he said that
he had perused it till he was weary with looking into it, for it was one
of the dirtiest and confusedst pieces of work that ever he saw: and many
other particular cavils had he against it; which _Muggleton_ hearing of,
is so much offended, that he writes a Letter to him, dated in _August_
1662. and there he thus concludes: _I write these Lines unto you_ Edward
Bourn, _knowing you to be of the seed of the Serpent, and appointed to
eternal Damnation before you were born; though you know it not, I do
know it, by your speaking evil of that Doctrine which is declared by us
the Witnesses of the Spirit, by calling it deceit, confusion, and lies,
with many more wicked speeches against the purest truth that ever was
declared by Prophet or Apostle, because this is the Commission of the
Spirit, and the last Witness of God on Earth_.

_Therefore, for these your hard sayings against the Doctrine of this
Commission of the Spirit; In obedience unto my Commission, I pronounce
you cursed and damned, both Soul and Body, from the presence of God,
elect men and Angels, to Eternity; neither shall that light within you,
nor any God deliver you from this curse, but according to my word it
shall be upon you, because you shall know, that God hath given power
unto Man to curse you to eternity, and that there is a Prophet of the
Lord now in_ England.

This Letter being thus subscribed, was printed and sent to the said
_Edward Bourn_. Also another to one _Samuel Hooker_ and _W. S._ both
Quakers, wherein amongst other things he thus writes:

_First, I declare as I am a Prophet and Messenger of the true God, that
the people called Quakers are not the children of the most high God, but
for the generality of them, they are children of the Devil, and are the
very Seed of the Devil, and were begotten by him; and I (as I am an
Ambassador ordained of God by voyce of Words) can as truely say; that
they are the Seed of the Serpent, and so the children of the Devil, as
Christ did to the Jews, when he said, that_ they were Serpents, _yea_
Devils, _and the_ Devil was their father. _So can I say by you Quakers,
and many thousands more as well as you, that you were the children of
the Devil, that were begotten by him, and not begotten by_ Adam, _who
never came through the loyns of_ Adam, _though they came through the
womb of_ Eve. _For this I know,_ Cain _was the first-born of the Devil,
and_ Adam _had no part in the begetting of him. And from this_ Cain
_came the Jews that Christ called_ Serpents _and_ Devils.

Much more he writes against the Quakers, and is as absolute in his
sentence of Damnation against these two, being almost in the same words
as the former. His writings in general are filled with many strange
Opinions, and he is now the greatest Enemy of the Quakers, telling them,
that they are but some of the melancholy sort of Ranters, and by falling
from Ranting to Quaking, are now worse then before; for before they were
in the Wilderness, but are now returned back into _Egypt_, and so the
further off from entring into the Land of _Canaan_: and in one place he
is pretty pleasant with the Quakers, for saith he, The greatest things
that ever I heard the Quakers do, is to find fault with a piece of
Ribbon, Gold-button, or a Bandstring, and such like, and to possess
themselves with a melancholly spirit of Witchcraft, and so fall into
Witchcraft-fits, to lie humming and groaning, which doth fright the
beholders; so instead of those merry-Devils which they had upon the
Ranting-score, where all was good, lying with their Neighbours wife,
deflowring Virgins, cozening and cheating, and destroying every one in
their outward Estate which did entertain them, and now that Devil is
cast out, now they are grown in as much extream on the other side; for
now they are grown so precise and exact for Apparel and for words, no
words must be placed out of joynt, so that no man can almost tell how to
deal with them; and this melancholly Devil hath cast out the Ranting
Devil, which makes them so proud and stiff-necked, thinking themselves
that they are better then other people, when as they are worse; for they
are possessed with the Spirit of Witchcraft, which makes them two-fold
more the children of the Devil then they were before; which none can
discover but this Commission of the Spirit; neither did I ever hear by
any which heard the Quakers speak, that they did ever preach any sound
Doctrine, but only exhort people to hearken to the light within them,
which is a very low & easie thing for every ordinary understanding to
comprehend; and this is the cause there is such a multitude of men and
women fall into it, _&c._ And thus did he proceed, his whole writing
being to pull them down, and set himself up.

Soon after the Printing of these Letters, I met with a Quaker, an
acquaintance of mine, and asked of him whether he had seen these Letters
of _Muggletons_, which went by the name of _The Neck of the Quakers
broken, or cut in sunder by the two-edg’d sword of the Spirit, which is
put into my mouth_. He reply’d, Yea he had. What thinkest thou, said I,
of those of your perswasion in general, and more particularly of those
persons whom he hath damn’d? I think him to be a deluded person, said
he, for I have known him long, and also his fellow Prophet _Reeve_, who
is since dead: and I remember this one passage, that one of our
perswasion did calmly discourse with _Reeve_ about many principal things
of his Judgement and Opinion: and though they did not agree to every
thing, yet _Reeve_ said he believed he would be converted, for that he
was confident he was of the seed of Faith, and not of that of the Devil;
onely that his eyes were not yet opened, but in time they would. And
thus they parted.

Soon after _Muggleton_ (who was always more vigilant than _Reeve_) being
affronted by some Quakers, according to his custom pronounced the
sentence of damnation against them; which the Quakers who had discoursed
with _Reeve_ hearing, and meeting with _Muggleton_, told him he had done
very ill, in being so rash as to damn them: And further, charged him
with wandring up and down to make Sects. To this _Muggleton_ replyed; It
is not I, it is those of the Quakers that wander up and down; as those
that went to _New England_, and _John Perrot_ unto _Rome_, to get the
Pope and his Bishops to be Disciples of Christ; and there to be punished
in his body: and when he came home again, to be damn’d to eternity, by
me, for his pains; because he went by the light within him, and was not
sent by the voice of God without him: Therefore eternal damnation will
be his reward for going without a Commission from God; and so will all
the Ministers of the Quakers. And whereas you say that my mouth is full
of cursing, and that I shall reap of the same; likewise you say, that I
am out of _Christs_ and the Apostles Doctrine, that said, _bless and
curse not_, with many other sayings: As for my mouth being full of
cursing, that is my Commission: neither do I curse any but Devils, which
are appointed for it of God; and there is never a one that I have
cursed, that shall escape that curse which I have denounced upon them;
neither will any God deliver them from it: for I do curse none but the
Seed of the Serpent, who had his curse denounced upon him and his Seed,
at the beginning by God himself.

To this discourse of _Muggletons_, our Brother the Quaker making some
angry reply, in contradicting what he had said, _Muggleton_ did for that
cause presently pronounce the sentence of Damnation, alledging that he
was of the Seed of the Devil. Thus, said the _Quaker_, though _Reeve_
said he was not of the Seed of the Devil; yet _Muggleton_, his
fellow-Prophet, said he was, and therefore proceeded against him to
damnation. Now whether he be damned or saved, judge you: And therefore,
said he, I think it matters not much what he says, because they thus
contradict one another.

And thus we parted, and I concluded, that as it was no great matter what
_Muggleton_ said or did; so there was no great heed to be taken with
what was, or should be said or done by the _Quakers_: I believing and
knowing that what _Muggleton_ had said of them as to their humours, and
falling from _Ranting_ to _Quaking_, and such like particulars, to be
true; though I believed him, and all other Factions to be alike deluded
and mistaken in the general.

And, continued he, though this _Muggletons_ opinions and Doctrine be
thus strange, and he a very inconsiderable unlearned fellow, being by
Profession a Taylor; yet he hath gained many to his belief, who give him
much respect; but he takes no money of them, onely he gets his writings
printed, and distributing them among his people, they pay him for them:
but in the main, he works at his Trade for a lively-hood: and he hath,
as well as the _Quakers_, suffered Imprisonment, but hath been released
and favoured, as I have heard, by some persons of Honour, who are
well-willers to him.

Thus did the Drugster discourse of the Factions, and we with him did
hope and conclude, that since there was no greater a growth in faction,
there having been no new ones for some years last past, that it was more
then probable that they would consume and moulder away of themselves.

The forenoon being spent wholly in the large Narrative of the Adventures
of my now fellow-Companions and Guests, and the most of the afternoon in
this Discourse, it was time now to think of parting; and they being
mindful of the entertainment they were to give me the next day on board
of their Ship, being out of my house furnished with some necessary
provisions, all parted from me.



                             CHAP. XXXIII.

_He is treated by the Travellers on board of their Ship, where he sees
  the two women-Travellers: he invites and entertains them at his house;
  where upon enquiry and discourse, he discovers the two Women to be of
  his acquaintance when in_ England.

My Company being thus parted from me, I began to consider all the
passages that had been this day related to me; and after a serious
contemplation of them, I concluded, that I might place this day as the
most remarkable in all my life; for I was acquainted with so much
variety of experiences, as I had in a manner been hitherto wholly
ignorant of; what had happened to me in the former part of my life,
having been trivial in comparison of what I had now lately heard: and I
concluded, that if I should have travelled to all parts of the world to
have found out Companions fit for me, I could never have been better
accommodated with those that should have been so agreeable to my natural
inclination, then those whom fortune had now brought to me. I had long
since made it my resolve, to make my life as comfortable as I could,
according to the old saying amongst those of my quality, _Though a short
life, yet a merry_: and I saw Providence had put such an opportunity
into my hands, that I had all things provided for me, and nothing before
their arrival was wanting but such a Society. For I had a plentiful
estate, but that gave me little content, being without the usual society
of the Wits; and I now was likely not only to enjoy that in a full
measure, but also there was some female Company, the two Lasses in Mens
apparel, who I understood were good Girls, and such I hoped as would not
prove hard-hearted, and deny one of their Country-men the usual civility
of their enjoyments: I did not much question it, because indeed I was so
much in favour with _Venus_, that I was hardly ever refused that
courtesie by any of her Votaresses.

I told my wife, there was a great likelihood of much profit to be gained
by these Guests, who were resolved to take up my house wholly for their
quarters, and therefore I ordered all things to be provided in ample
manner for their constant entertainment: for though I was now rich
enough, yet I knew not how soon fortune might turn tayl upon me, and
therefore knowing that my Guests were all well provided with Moneys, I
was resolved to put in with them for a share of it: But I had no
thoughts of wronging them, or putting any trick upon them; for it is
accounted a very great crime in the greatest proficient of Roguery, to
cozen or cheat his fellow-Thief, and a thing seldome done amongst them.
I had now some thoughts of leaving my black wife and that Country; and
when these my new acquaintance should leave this place for another, as I
suppose they would, then to go with them, for there was nothing there
that gave any great invitation to stay in it, my inclination leading me
rather to visit some _European_ Country.

These considerations took me up some time; and night coming on, I betook
me to my Cot, where I took my ordinary repose; and the next morning
being come, I apparelled my self the richest that I could, that I might
add some grace to my person, being to visit two of my Country-women, in
whose favour I was desirous to get some place. Being thus accoutred, I
went to the Sea-side, and with the help of a Boat was soon aboard the
Ship; where I was welcomed by the Captain and the rest of the Company,
and by them conducted into the great Cabin, where was no other Company
but the two Women; who now being apparelled in their Womans habit _A la
mode d'Anglois_, I was very well pleased, not having for a long time
seen any thing so acceptable and pleasant: I had not forgotten our
English Fashion of saluting them, neither were they backward in rising
and meeting me in order thereto: that done, I placed my self between
them; I soon began a discourse to them, which I knew would not at all be
displeasing, and that was commending their Beauties, telling them, that
if the present Emperour of the Country, the _Great Mogul_, did but
understand what a treasure he had in his Country by their arrival, that
he would quickly secure it to himself, and hinder the prosecution of
their Voyage any further. To this they reply’d, that they did not
believe he would see any thing in them that should merit such an esteem:
but added one of them, If he should do so, and be never so desirous of
my Company, yet I am better satisfied (in the Society that I am at
present in possession of) then if I were courted and served by the
greatest Prince upon Earth.

To this so generous speech, I repli’d, that those persons who had the
honour to be her servants were in that very happy. These Complements
being pass’d, drink was brought, and after that Victuals, which we had
in great plenty, there being no want of any thing that could be had at
the best mans table in _England_; and all the dishes of Meat were
dress’d in the English fashion, by a Cook of that Country. After Dinner
we fell again to discourse, the Women being very desirous of Novelties,
and to be acquainted with the Customs of the Country, especially of
those used by Women: but when I told them of that Custom of the better
sort of Country-women, how they usually accompanied their Husbands in
death, by burning their living with their Husbands dead bodies, they
were not very well pleased therewith, accounting it great folly: for,
said they, it cannot possibly do their Husbands any good, and why they
should so destroy themselves out of a complement, was foolish. To pass
through, and accompany a Husband or Friend whilst living in all dangers,
is what is befitting; but there being no remedy for death, nor no
present enjoyment after death, thus to cast away themselves, is
ridiculous. We allowed of their Opinions, as grounded upon reason: I
asked them how they liked our Men, the Inhabitants; Not at all, said one
of them, as a Husband or Bed-fellow, but if there were no other man to
be had, we must be contented with them, rather than none, as well as you
are with the Native-women. Various were our Discourses in which we
entertained one another with much pleasure, having a lusty bowl of Punch
still standing by us, which as we drank off, we renewed, and at some of
our frolicks, one of the great Guns was discharged. I had ey’d both
these women very curiously, and did imagine, that, I had formerly seen
them, and had some acquaintance with them. I knew one of them more
particularly by the tone of her voice, but it having been so long since
I had seen either, I could not call them to mind; I did not at all think
it convenient to ask them any particular questions, referring that to a
greater privacy. I being now acquainted with most of their transactions,
they asked my advice in disposing their moneys, and selling their
Commodities, and what to buy to turn to the best advantage? To all these
Questions I gave them the best answers I could, to their satisfaction;
and now night coming on, I desired to leave them, and invited them all
to my house the next day, they not only concluded on that, but agreed
that the Women should constantly take my house for their quarters, it
being more convenient then on board of the Ship, they coming in their
mens apparel, and I providing for them with all privacy; to this I
agreed, and after a fresh cup of Wine, and my ordinary salutes to the
women, I left them, and went home to my wife, who at my desire provided
all things necessary, not only for the next days entertainment, but for
the future conveniency of my lodgers, who were not to be known to her
for other than men.

The next day they came, and we were again all merry; but some occasions
calling away the men, the women were left alone with me. I was now
resolv’d to enquire whether they had never known me: they both replied,
Not that they at present knew of; but they both said, that certainly
they had seen me in _England_, but at present they could not remember
where: wherefore they prayed me to give them some account of my
condition and quality when I lived in _England_: To this I repli’d, that
I had been indeed of all conditions, and a very rambler, and it was a
great chance, but if they had been in any publique house of
Entertainment, that I might have seen them there: to this they both
answered, that they had for some time been publique enough in
entertaining Gentleman in their Company with much freedom: But, said one
of them, who was the Scriveners Mistress, I have certainly seen and
known you before I undertook any such courses, for if I be not mistaken,
you are the man did first deceive me, and therefore, I pray, tell me, if
in your travels in _England_, you did not light into a Farmers house,
and did some kindnesses or discourtesies to his Daughter, and then left
her. I hearing her say this, after some small pause, recollected my
self, and seriously viewing her, concluded her to be the very Farmers
Daughter whose Maidenhead I had bereaved her of, and in requital left
her, and gave her no other satisfaction then a paper of Verses. I now
being resolv’d in my opinion, ran to her, and embracing her, begg’d
pardon for that affront, telling her, that it was onely one of those
many youthful tricks whereof I had been guilty. She at first out of
sence of the affront that I had done her, could not forbear weeping; but
I gave her so many good words, that in fine she was well enough
satisfied, and lovingly permitted me to embrace and kiss her.

The other woman hearing that my acquaintance with her Companion began
with the loss of her Virginity, mused and blushed, and very strictly
beholding me, said, And truly, if I be not mistaken, I purchased my
acquaintance with you with the same loss: but I was deceived by you in a
more subtil manner than this my Companion; for she knowing you to be a
man, permitted you to her bed (as she hath formerly related to me.) But
if you are the person that I mean (as I now think you are) you became my
bedfellow by a mistake; for not onely I, but many others of the Family
believed you to be a Woman. I hearing her say this, fixed my eyes upon
her, but could not yet perfectly remember her: but to the discourse she
made, I gave this answer; Truly Madam, I have been often guilty of
Female frauds; and during the whole course of my life, I endeavoured
chiefly to have the company of a Female; and I hope if you were one of
those with whom I lay at a Boarding-school, where I went for a
Servant-Maid, that you will forgive me that fact; for if it were not
there, I then cannot tell where I should have so much happiness as to
enjoy you. There it was, replyed she, where I lost my Virginity and
honour, and which I have so often repented of; for I was then
well-beloved of an indulgent Father, who for that fact cast me off; and
ever since I have been forced to wander like a Vagabond, and by infamous
courses to gain a livelyhood, and with this she wept.

I was much amaz’d at these two adventures, and indeed pittyed them both;
but more especially the last, whom I had so long since deceaved; and
seeing her tears, I kneel’d down to her, begging her pardon, and telling
her that what was pass’d, was not to be prevented or help’d; but if she
pleas’d, I would for the future be her humble servant in assisting her
in what I might. To this she told me, that she knew there was no remedy
for what was passed; but that the remembrance of that first misfortune
could not but sensibly afflict her, but she should throw off that
sorrow, and make the best of a bad matter; and thank providence, that
since it was no better that it was no worse: and as she had hitherto
been well enough contented with her condition, so she intended to frame
her spirit and minde to be so for the future; and that now she had the
satisfaction she had often desired in seeing that person, who first
tasted and crop’d her Virgin-Flower. Her Companion did likewise say,
that it was the greatest satisfaction she had ever received since the
loss of my company, that she had again found me; for (notwithstanding my
base and abrupt leaving her) she had still preserved a more cordial love
for me, then for any person she had ever since then enjoy’d: The other
said the same, and though I was partly unknown to her, when I lay with
her, as being disguised in womans apparel; yet she still had me in her
memory, and often wished for the sight of me: And from this discourse we
all concluded, that though a woman had many Husbands or Servants, yet
she seldom loved any man with so much affection, as him with whom she
first tryed and tasted the effects of love, and who had her Virginity.

Well Ladies, said I, I am so much bound to you for preserving an
affection for me, who have so unworthily deserved it, That I shall
dedicate the remaining part of my life, wholly to obey and serve you. As
for that profession of your love now, said the Drugsters Mistress, (who
was the youngest, and her, who I had enjoy’d at the Boarding-school) it
matters not much, for we have had experience enough in the World to
shift for our selves; and neither are we unprovided of those who you
know are our servants, and who will take care for us, and save you that
trouble. No trouble at all, replyed I, but an honour which I pray you to
bestow on me to serve you in any degree.

They were very much surpriz’d, and so was I at this adventure: And I
thought it was best to talk no more of it at present: wherefore I call’d
for some Wine, and such banqueting cheer as I had, and desired them to
participate of it, which they did; and so I at present diverted them
from that profound melancholy, wherein they were brought upon this
occasion. At length they again reassumed their jovial temper; and
beginning to be a little frollick, I assisted them in that humour: but I
was very earnest to know their adventures, being, as I supposed somewhat
concerned therein, they being both with Child by me when I left them; I
therefore beg’d the satisfaction to know what did become of the Fruit of
our enjoyments, those Children which I suppose they had by me; for I
told them I was not unsensible of the condition I left them in, when I
parted from them. Truly, reply’d the Drugsters Mistress, who was named
_Mary_, I know not at all what became of mine since it was born. And,
said the other, who was the Scriveners Mistress, and was named
_Dorothy_, and had been the Farmers Daughter, I know but little of mine
since it was a year old. I was desirous to hear of both of them their
several fortunes, or rather misfortunes since I first knew them; and
they agreeing to give me that satisfaction, it was concluded that Mrs.
_Mary_, with whom I had first to do, should first relate her story: and
therefore she began as followeth.



                              CHAP. XXXIV.

_Mrs. Mary relates how that she, being got with Child at the
  Boarding-school, is renounced by her Parents, but provided for her by
  her Aunt, where she lay in of a Daughter: after which she is courted
  in way of marriage by a Gentleman, who hearing of her mischance,
  instead of marriage onely abuses her; and being ingaged in a quarrel
  about her, leaves her to shift for her self,_ &c.

In the discourse that I shall make to you concerning those accidents or
misfortunes that have befallen me, I shall neither be reserved nor
tedious, but plain and short; for I have no reason to disguise any of my
actions to two such persons, who are so generally well acquainted with
the general affairs of the World, and who have such a particular
knowledge of me: Though, said she to me, I must needs confess I received
very much pleasure in the first imbraces I had with you; when, though I
supposed my self in bed with one of my own Sex, yet I found the
contrary, and then tasted the pleasures of a Male bedfellow: though,
said I, the sweets of that converse were delightful at present; yet I
have through that onely occasion suffered many crosses, and been
accompanied with much affliction and trouble, which soon overtook me.

I was very young, not being above sixteen years of age when I first lay
with you; and so innocent I was at that age, that I did not imagine that
I should have found so sudden an alteration in my body, as was thereby
occasioned; neither did I conceive what would be the effects thereof,
till some of my other companions, who had lain with you before me, were
discovered to be sick, and the occasion of their distemper being
enquired into, it was found they were with Child, and then I did guess
my self to be in the same condition.

I suppose you are not ignorant of what you had done, and therefore took
your flight; but though you contrived your escape cunningly enough by
putting on mens apparel, yet it was observed, and you were followed so
narrowly, that we supposed you had been taken, but it proved otherwise.
Yes, replied I, when I made my escape, I made for _London_, and being
habited in a suit of Clothes of my Mistresses sons, I was fearful of
being discovered and known by them, and therefore meeting with a young
man of my acquaintance: I remember, I perswaded him to exchange Clothes
with me, and so I escaped; but I would gladly know how he came off.
Truely, replied Mrs. _Mary_, that story was somewhat strange, for the
Constable who seized him, had orders not to make much noise in the
matter, but only to secure him at present in his own house, which he
having done, came to our Boarding-School, and acquainted our Mistress
that he had secured the party; this being known, my Mistress sent her
son whose Clothes were stollen to the place; where in stead of finding
our maid _Jane_ (for by that name, I remember you went, when you lived
with us) he saw a strange young man in his Clothes, though he was told
before you had his Clothes on, which he yet saw before him, yet he knew
you well enough, not to be so mistaken: for the party that was in that
habit was nothing like you; he therefore thought that all that had been
reported to him was false, till he had made a further enquiry of the
young man your friend, who was first asked, where he had those Clothes:
he not knowing any reason he should deny any thing of the truth, freely
and fully acknowledged that he had them in exchange of his own, of a
young man his friend; and being asked many other questions, As whether
he knew you? and knew you to be a man? and where this exchange was made?
He fully resolved his Examiners of all questions, and proved the
exchange of Clothes by the people of the house where the exchange was

My Mistresses son being returned with this answer to his Mother, it
caused great wonder in all who were not privy to your disguize, but
there being about seven or eight of us, who were knowing of that secret,
and were known to lie with you, we were all privately examined, and some
of us having been sick for some time before, and now strictly examined
of the cause, and whether we knew any thing of your disguize, and
whether you were man or woman; we could not hide or deny our knowledge
thereof. Upon this discovery, our Mistress (though she was termed a very
discreet person) was so outragious, that we thought she would have lost
the ordinary use of her Sences; and several revenges she propounded to
take of you, not thinking you were escaped her power: but when she
understood that you were gone, she caused all privy search and enquiry
to be made after you, but to no purpose. The young man, your friend, who
had been secured, was discharged, as being found wholly innocent of the
crime; and neither was he deprived of his Clothes, but had them freely
given to him, and a good sum of money promised him if he could find and
secure you: but though much endeavour was used to find you, yet I could
never hear any thing of you, till this late encounter.

But to proceed in my story, our Mistress upon second thoughts resolved
to keep this business private for some longer time, to see how many of
those seven or eight with whom you had lain, would prove with child; and
it was not long before she found that five of the number were pregnant,
whereof I was one. How she ordered the matter with the rest, I know not;
but for my own part, my father being made acquainted with my misfortune,
wholly refused to take any care or notice of me; neither have I ever
since seen his face; for though I suppose he loved me well enough; yet I
had a Mother-in-law, who might perswade him to slight me, and made use
of this occasion to throw me off: but though I was thus cast off by my
father, yet I had an Aunt, who was sister to my own mother, who came and
visited me; and finding that what was pass’d could not be help’d, took
me home with her to her house, where after the usual time of Womens
breeding and bearing children, I was delivered of a Daughter, which was
soon after its birth sent further into the Country to be nursed: and I
suppose it was carried thus privately, in hopes to soulder up the crack
that might be in my reputation, which though it did for the present, yet
it soon after brake out again.

For a young Gentleman who lived in the next Town to that where my Aunt
dwelt, having seen me, fell deeply in love with me, and often waited on
me at my Aunts, and took many opportunites of meeting me abroad. Though
I liked and loved him well enough, and could have been pleased to have
entertained his love with liking at the first offer of it, yet I was
commanded by my Aunt to stand off, and be coy in my entertaining of him,
lest, as she said, he might by my freeness suspect me of lightness: for
the matter had been so privately carried in my lying in, that it was not
known to him, nor any, but some few in the House; and to all others I
passed as a Virgin. I taking this advice of my Aunt, gave him but
indifferent entertainment; so that he who was passionately in love with
me, devised all ways he could to woe, please and win me; and to that end
he not only presented me with many Gifts, as marks of his affection, but
also (according to custom) and that so largely, that she promised him
all her assistance, and gave him notice of all opportunities whereby he
might wait on me, and please me. All things were now brought to a very
good pass, and my Aunt had so prudently managed this affair, that my
Father was content to part from a considerable sum of money for my
advancement; which was to the full satisfaction of the Gentleman who
courted me.

There wanted nothing now to conclude this affair but the accomplishment
of a few days, in which all Writings were to be sealed, and the Wedding
to be consummated; when all was undone, and in that I undone, by the
treachery and perfidiousness of this my servant-maid. For she having
received Gifts of the young Gentleman, and I having angred her in a
trivial matter, she to be revenged on me, did acquaint my Suitor with my
condition, and that I should not die of my first child, for he should be
a father the first day of Marriage. Although at her first declaring this
matter to him, he could not give credit thereto, yet she affirmed the
same with so many, and so earnest asseverations, that he was confirmed
in that belief, and therefore enjoyning her to secresie and assistance,
and to that end presenting her with somewhat that was considerable, he
left her; and now being resolved to deceive me as I intended him; he
ordered his affairs accordingly, and to that end he caused some delay to
be used in the Writings.

We being now, as I thought, as good as man and Wife, I entertained him
with much freedom, and he courted me with less observance, coming now
closer to me in his salutes and embraces: I was so pleased with him in
all his actions, that I became wholly at his Devotion, and therefore
without the consent and knowledge of my Aunt, we went together out of
the Town to a merry-making of several of his Acquaintance, where we
stay’d somewhat late, and he having caused me to drink to a good height,
made a halt by the way, and we went into an Inn of his Acquaintance, he
pretending somewhat was amiss in one of his Horses shoes: here we having
privacy, he attempted to be more free with me then ever, and prevailed
so far with me, that he had the examining of my Plackett, with more
freedom then modesty would allow of; but though he would have proceeded
further, yet I refused it; he seeing this desisted, and we again
remounted our Horses, and he conducted me safely to my Aunts: but
although it was very late, yet she sat up, and expected me; and
expressed her self very angry with him for keeping me out so
unseasonably; he did not well rellish her words, but reply’d somewhat
tartly to her again; which encreased her anger, and raised it to some
passion, and so in anger they at that time parted, he riding home to his
own house. I was likewise sufficiently school’d by my Aunt; but I
excused all with soft answers, and pleading obedience, which I thought I
was bound to pay him, being our Marriage was so soon to be celebrated.

My Lover was resolved to make use of that days experience of my
easiness, and my Aunts anger, which he was well enough pleased should
continue, and therefore forbore coming to visit me; but he sent a
messenger to my Maid (who had betray’d me) to give him a meeting: she
obeyed his summons, and there, and then was my ruine contrived; for it
was agreed between them two, that she should perswade me to be ruled by
him in every thing, without acquainting my Aunt any more with my
proceedings; and a Letter was written, wherein he expressed a
continuance of his love, and desires of mine; and for a proof thereof,
he desired me to provide my self to meet him at a place appointed; which
I did, and there we concluded to go for _London_ together, where he
promised to marry me without any more delays. I believing him in every
thing (being perswaded thereto by my treacherous servant) took onely
some few necessaries with me, and so went to him. And thus leaving all,
went with him to _London_, where when we were arrived, he went to some
lodgings which he had provided, as he said, for himself and wife. I was
at first contented with the discourse and name of wife; but when
bed-time came, I was not fully satisfied to go to bed with him; which
though I at first opposed, yet in the end, after many protestations of
his next days performance of marriage, I consented to, and thereby
agreed to my undoing; for the next day, instead of marriage, he went out
in the morning, leaving me onely with the Landlady of the house, and
returned not in two days; and then he pretended he had been in great
vexation, for that the morning he left me, he being going to speak with
a Priest to marry us, he was met with by a person, to whom he was a
little indebted, who basely trappan’d and arrested him, and he was
forced to be in the custody of Bayliffs ever since, till he had
perswaded a friend to lend him some monies, which together with what he
had of his own, he said he had paid to his debtor, and so was
discharged. And now, said he to me, I have sent home for some more
monies, which I know will be brought me in two days time, and then I
shall put an end to this business of our marriage.

Although I seemed discontented with what he told me, and did begin to
believe that he would abuse me; yet I knew it was to no purpose to be
very angry, and onely caused him to give me fresh protestations of the
honesty of his intentions, and that as soon as ever his money was come,
he would fulfil all my desires.

Thus was I forced to be contented with what he said, and to comply with
him in all his desires: for we lay together; but I kept within doors
very privately, refusing to be seen by any body, till such time as our
Wedding should be over.

But though two or three days and a week was now past since he pretended
he had sent into the Country for money, yet there came no returns; at
which I was very much discontented, he also seeming dissatisfyed. I then
told him, that I had brought a small sum of money with me, which I
supposed would be sufficient to pay the charges of that occasion. He
asked me how much I had, I told him about 10_l._ I remember he was
somewhat blanck, and at a nonpluss at this proposition: but he soon
recovering himself, told me that he expected 100_l._ to be brought him,
and that would be little enough to defray all the charge he intended to
be at; for he proposed to lay it all out in Clothes for me and himself,
that we might appear the more splendidly, not only to some friends in
_London_, whom he proposed to visit soon after marriage, but also in the
Country whither he intended in short time to return to demand my
portion, and settle all things according to the agreement of our
friends: and as for the small sum of 10_l._ he told me I would have
occasion to lay it out in trivial things on that occasion.

Thus was I put off at this time; and indeed so often afterwards, that I
in plain terms told him that I supposed he intended to abuse me, he
being resolved to stand the brunt of all my exclamations at this time,
did not endeavour, as formerly to pacifie me, but rather provoked me to
say more, and be more angry with him, which I was, and reproached him
with the abuse he had done me. He having heard the utmost of what I
could say, in short told me, that he was the abused party; for should he
marry me, as he intended, he should have a greater charge to maintain
then I had told him of, for he had understood that I was Mother of a
Childe; and so the abuse that I would put on him was double: I was so
surprised with what he said, that I was more dead then alive, and could
not for a long time speak to him? and when I attempted it, I knew not
what to say for my self, for he directly told me, that he was acquainted
with every particular of that my misfortune: and thus having said, he
left me.

Many and sad were the thoughts I entertained in my minde, and I
perceived my self to be miserable: for to return to my Aunt, I knew it
would be to no purpose, I having thus abused her in my last leaving her.
Therefore I concluded it was my best course at present to comply with
the desires of my first Lover, not knowing whom to flee to for refuge;
wherefore at his return home, I began to him in tears to lament my sad
condition, begging his pardon for what was past, cleerly confessing the
truth of all my former misfortune, and that I would for the future be
very obedient and constant to him in all things: he gave me the hearing
of what I said, and told me all should be well; but I could never finde
him after that inclinable to marry me, onely putting me off with one
pretence or other; and having a full enjoyment of me already, cared for
no more: and now to content and please him, I must not only entertain
several of his friends at home at our lodging, but also wait on him
abroad; and instead of Wife, I passed for his Cozen.

Amongst other persons that came to visit him, there was a Gentleman of
good quality, who being of his intimate Acquaintance, was frequent at
our Lodgings: he taking his opportunity to find me alone, made a tender
of his love and service to me, and offered me his assistance in every
thing I should command him. I finding that he understood somewhat of my
condition already, and believing it would be to no purpose to conceal
any thing from him, did make him an exact and true narrative of my
misfortunes: he was much troubled at the recital of things so strange,
but did comfort me the best he could, promising me his best assistance
in putting his friend on to perform his promisie of Marriage: for, said
he, I know little reason he hath to deny or refuse it. For your first
misfortune at the Boarding-School, was so subtil a business, that you
cannot well be blamed for it.

This Gentleman accordingly did endeavour to possess my hoped for Husband
with that opinion, and to perswade him to marry me, but all in vain; for
he had now all the sweets he could expect from me, having lain with me
now for above a moneth together, and in that time I endeavoured with all
the artifice I could, to give him all possible content: but he was now
cloy’d; and therefore told his friend, that for his Mistress he intended
to keep me, but never to have me for a Wife. I was neer distracted when
this answer was told me; but the Gentleman did again comfort me,
promising that he hoped in short time to put all things to rights again.
I seeing it was to no purpose to be angry, resolved to bear all things
with patience, and seem to be frolick, which was to a good height; and
this Gentleman seeing me in so merry a humor, was desirous to put in for
a share in the pleasure of my enjoyments, and to that end now courted me
indeed: he had been so civil to me in these late transactions, that I
could not handsomely refuse him any thing; but however, I for some time
held out against all his loving importunities; but he having an absolute
freedome in our lodging, so waited his opportunity, that he won me to
his embraces, and had a full possession of me. Thus was I enjoyed by two
men; but my last lover was very cautious in keeping this his enjoyment
from the knowledge of his friend, and we took opportunities in his
absence to renew our pleasures. But at length we grew so bold in these
practices, that my first Lover discovered us, and watching his
opportunity by hiding himself in the Chamber, he took us in the manner.
He discovering himself, used many outragious speeches to me and my
Companion, as, that he abused him, in perswading and urging him to marry
with one who was his prostitute: the other flew out into high
expressions; and being valorous enough, they drew their weapons, and
before I could get any to interpose and hinder their fight, my new Lover
was wounded, and that, so desperately, that he fell; the other seeing
that, and supposing him killed, fled, and so left me: and my wounded
friend being visited by Chirurgeons, recovered a little, but desired to
be removed to his own Lodgings, lest he might be prejudiced by the
various reports that would run upon this occasion; I was likewise
willing to have it so, as thinking it most convenient.

Thus was I left alone, and I, who lately had two Lovers and Servants,
was now left without any; for my old Friend came no more after me, and
my new Servant who was wounded, was forced for his health-sake to be
carried into the Country.

Now did I find my self truly distressed, for I wholly retired my self,
not seeing any man, and was only accompanied by my Landlady, and another
antient woman who frequented her house. In vain did I expect the return
of either of my Lovers, and almost all my Moneys was gone, in Diet, and
for payment of Lodging. My Landlady proposed several ways and courses
for me to take, as to send to my first friend who brought me thither,
which I did, but could not hear of him; she would have had me send to my
Aunt, but I wholly refused so to do, being resolved to bear with any
necessities, rather then again to apply my self to her.

The other old woman, who, I told you, frequented our house, did then put
in some words to the Discourse, and my Landlady leaving us together, she
told me, that if I would be ruled by her, she would so order matters,
that I should want for nothing, and live the most pleasantest life in
the World. I who was now miserable enough, was well enough pleased to
hear of pleasure, and bid her say on: She thereupon told me, that it was
great pity that so delicate a beauty as mine should be closeted up, and
that I should spend that time in tears and lamentations, which might not
only be a pleasure to my self, but many others who would love me with a
great deal of passion; and whereas hitherto I had only been reserved to
serve the pleasures of one man, or two at the most, and for that I had
only reap’d sorrow and trouble, that I might command many, who would,
not only please and serve me, but I should command their purses by
having money enough at my own dispose. Many words to this purpose she
uttered, and many Arguments she used. Though at the first I did not
understand what she aimed at, yet by several Questions, which she
answered me, I found she would have me prostitute my body for my
pleasure, and to gain a livelyhood; and in fine, should get my living
with the hands I sat on.

Though I had tasted man, as first with you, and afterwards had two at a
time, my two late Lovers, and by that was induced to desire more of the
same pleasures, yet I was extreamly unwilling to prostitute my body to
every fellow that should bring money in his hand; and this I supposed I
must do, if once I undertook that course. Thus I reasoned with this old
woman, but she told me, No, I should not do so, for I should only have
my choice of what, and whom I liked, and few of such would be profitable
enough to maintain me in a splendid Garb; and to this she gave me so
many reasons; that I consenting to leave my Lodgings, went with her to
the place where she conducted me.


                              CHAP. XXXV.

_She gives an account of her being entred into a Bawdy-house, where she
  received great profit by the sale of her Maidenhead._

I being now come to the place intended, was entertained by a Grave
ancient Matron, in whose face might be seen the ruines of no common
beauty; and the defects of that being occasioned by age, was
sufficiently supplied in a deportment and garb that was not common,
though it were very pleasant. She gave me many welcomes, and told me
that she had a very great respect for me, having heard of my
misfortunes, and hoping that she might put an end to my sorrows, and
afford me fresh pleasures: she had to that end employed that antient
woman as her Messenger, to perswade me to leave that house of Mourning
wherein I was, for hers, which was a Pallace, nay, a Paradice of
pleasure, wherein I should be accompanied with all manner of
contentment. I told her I should be willingly obedient to her commands,
in expectation of those pleasures she promised. Several other Discourses
we had, whereby she gave me instructions how to behave my self; and,
said she, since you intend to make one of my family, I shall give you an
account of my manner and method in governing the same.

My house; continued she, being frequented by persons of all Qualities,
it is therefore necessary that I should be furnished with women, who
should be proper and fit for their respective accommodations, for the
Servants and Pages must be sometimes served as well as their Masters; I
therefore distinguish those women that belong unto me into three several
sorts and distinctions; and because I intend to make use of you only in
the first and principal, I shall therefore be more particular in my
Discourse to you of that.

You are therefore to know, that as my house is well enough furnished
with women to accommodate my ordinary Guests, so I have several who are
kept abroad, who serve for the extraordinary accommodation of my best
sort of Guests, and those are such as are so squeamish stomacked, that
will not see one face above two or three times; with these a Maidenhead
is a very great dainty, for they lay out with me for one, sometimes a
quarter or half a year together. Now though I know you have parted from
yours already, yet I question not but to make a good Merchandize of
yours, and get a good round sum of money for you and my self; and if you
will be ruled by me in every thing, I shall so manage the business, that
you shall not have to do with above two or three in a twelve moneths
time, and they shall be such, as shall not only maintain you in a brave
garb and equipage, but you shall gain many Jewels, and a good round sum
of money. To this Discourse I replied, that I hoped she would perform
what she said, and in expectation thereof, I should dispose my self to
be wholly directed by her.

This I remember was our first Discourse, or to this purpose, and she
presently ordered me a Lodging within a few doors of her house, where I
had such another as my self for my Companion, and we were very well
accommodated with every thing; my habit was somewhat altered, for I was
now put into the most exact mode that was then in best esteem. According
to her Directions I carried my self in every thing; and once a day I
waited on her, or else she came to me. I had not been there many days
before she told me that there was an opportunity to begin my business,
and therefore she advised me to go the next day to a Play; and set my
self out in the best manner that I could; but she advised me by all
means to decline drinking, or entertaining any Discourse with any
person, though I should be importuned thereto, I promised obedience to
her commands; and my Companion, who was my Bed-fellow, attended me to
the Play-house, where by giving great attention to the Comedy that was
acted, I did not mind those who made it their chief business to gaze on
me. The Play being done, I went out, but was stayed by two Gentlemen
(who by their Habits seemed of quality) who offered me their service to
wait on me. I at first answered them with silence; but they seeing I had
no other Company but my Bed-fellow, were very importunate to have me
accept of theirs. I told them that they were strangers, and therefore
durst not admit of their kind offer: Having said thus, I called for a
Coach, and though they still importuned me to accept of their Company,
yet I absolutely refused it, and so caused the Coachman to drive home.
That evening was I visited by our Matrona, who told me, I had done well,
for she had an account given her of my deportment: for, said she, it is
not unknown to me that you were offered the service of two Gentlemen,
one of which is a person who is a retainer to my house, an old beaten
Souldier, and several such we are forced to keep correspondency withal,
that we may have new fresh guests brought to our house. The other
Gentleman, said she, is one who hath a long time laid out for a fresh
bit, and he was carried to the Playhouse on purpose to see you; whom I
gave my correspondent his companion so just an account of, that he could
not miss knowing of you: they both followed your Coach to your Lodgings,
and have since been at mine, and my young Coxcomb is very much smitten
with your beauty, and offers any thing that he may enjoy your Company. I
have promised him my assistance, but he must come off well first; and I
question not but to manage him so, as in few days you shall find the
effects of his love in some noble present, therefore, said she, fail not
to be directed by me, and I doubt not but you will reap much pleasure
and profit. I having promised a just compliance to her desires, she
departed, leaving me in the company of her Bed-fellow, who that night
entertained me with a large account of her Aduentures.

I remember she told me that when she first came acquainted with our
Matrona, she was pick’d up almost in the same manner as I had been; and
that in less then two monthes her Maidenhead was sold six times, for
which she had gained in presents to the value of fifty pounds; and I
suppose, said he, our Matrona gained above as much more in mony: since
then, said she, my first Customers have but rarely visited me; and she
having no more Customers for my Maidenhead, I now pass for a Merchants
wife, and am often sent for in that name; and I seldome miss a day
without one or two Customers, who entertain me as such a person. She
being thus free with me, I thought good to ask her some more Questions,
as, how she paid for her Diet and Lodging? and from whence she had
Clothes? To this she answered, that for the first half year her Diet was
paid for by the Matrona, who indeed had all the Money that was gained by
her; and as for Clothes, she had them first of all lent, or given by
her, and since given her by those who had to deal with her: and now,
said she, I pay for my own Diet, and have all the Money that is given
me, and all the profit she hath, is in selling her Wine and other things
she vendeth at our Collations; and now and then I suppose she gets half
a piece or a piece of a new Customer by procuring me.

I was somewhat satisfied with this Discourse, and the next day I was
visited by the old woman (who brought me first acquainted with our
Matrona) who brought me a Letter from my Amorous Gallant; I remember it
was stuffed with Complements, and all the happiness he desired, was to
see me once more at the Playhouse. In this affair I taking advice with
our Matrona, it was resolved I should return no answer; but however,
within two days, I again went to the Playhouse, where I was no sooner
seated, but I was attended by my Gallant, and now I could not decline
his Company: during the Play he treated me with all manner of fruits,
and such things as could be purchased there; and the Play being done, he
offered me a farther treat at some other place; but I refused that, as
also any further converse with him, and again calling for a Coach, I
went home, refusing his Company, and being very shye and coy to all his
Proposals, which though many, yet prevailed not all upon me.

The next day I had another Letter sent me, as also a Diamond-Ring of
twenty pound price as a present; I accepted of both, and then promised
within two days to meet him again at the Playhouse, where my Gallant
came richly accoutred in all his bravery, I then entertained discourse
with him, and the Play being ended, I at his earnest importunity
accepted of a Treat he quickly provided for me at the next Tavern. I
then told him, that I durst not stay, for I expected my Unkle to come
and visit me that evening at my Lodging, who was to bring me news out of
the Country about my father: he being desirous to please me, contented
to my departure, I promising to give him another meeting at a place we
appointed the next day, and thus we again parted. I was now so far
engaged with him; that I the next day again met him, and he then courted
me for enjoyment; but I seeming very angry, he to pacifie me, gave me a
gold Watch, and then I permitted him to embrace and kiss me; and though
I contradicted his proceeding further with me, yet he found by me, that
in time he might arrive to it. In this apprehension he was very prodigal
in his promises, and what great things he would do, if I would permit
him so great a happiness, he oftentimes wishing himself a single-man
(for he was married) that he might make himself happy in so brave a
Wife, as he knew I would be. These Discourses and others which he used,
and those many strict embraces which he gave me, did somewhat move me
with the titillations of the flesh; and I had much ado to continue
inexorable: but remembring how I had been deceived formerly, and withal
knowing that I had not our Matrona’s order as yet for fruition, I
therefore contradicted my own thoughts and wanton desires, and refused
to let him proceed to any other satisfaction then what he could get by
kissing and embracing me, and handling my brests and neck; and so we
again parted, I being still attended by my Bedfellow.

We were no sooner come home, but she was sent for by our Matrona, to
whom she gave an account of our actions: but that was not all her
business, for when she returned home, and we were in bed together, she
told me that she had been at the sport with a brave Gallant, with whom
she had received great pleasure, for he was newly come to Town, and
willing enough to have continued the sport longer, but that it was late,
and therefore they had referred a continuance of the pleasures to the
next day; and that she had not only pleasure, but profit, for he had
given her three Crowns, and promised to be more beneficial to her during
his stay in _London_.

This Discourse of hers, the remembrance of what she had been at, and
what I might have received if I would, did very much fire me, and I then
took up a resolve not much longer to delay those pleasures I had now so
long been without; and thereupon being visited the next day by my
Servant (and having the permission of my Matrona so to do) I entertained
him with somewhat more freedom then formerly, and went with him to the
house of our Matrona, as if a great stranger there; and now was I doubly
courted, not only by him, but her; so that I permitted him enjoyment,
and he so well pleased me, that at his further earnest importunity I
consented to lie with him all night, where I satisfied him and my self
in all those amorous sweets that two willing Lovers could receive or

Whilst I was thus occupied at our Matrona’s house, my Bedfellow was not
idle; for she understanding my place would be void, was resolved to have
it supplied, and therefore summoned her Country Gentleman, who very
readily attended her, and for that night was her Bed-fellow. He was so
pleased with her Company in the night, that he desired it the next day
at a frolick at a Tavern. She accordingly attended him, where a
plentiful Dinner was provided, there being four or five Gentlemen, and
two Women besides her self. Dinner being ended, and some quantity of
Wine drank off, they all began to be merry, and therefore a noise of
Fidlers were call’d, and they all fell to singing and dancing, in which
they spent some time; and the other two women being likewise Ladies of
the right stamp, they did by turns leave the rest of the Company, and
retire by Couples into a private Room, where they had the conveniency of
a Bed, and thus they spent most part of the Day. Night drawing on,
reckoning was call’d for; but it being a large one, all the Gentlemen
were dissatisfied, not being willing to pay so dear for their pleasure,
and to have such sour sawce to their sweet meat: the Fidlers being paid,
they resolv’d to put a trick upon the Vintner for his reckoning. The
Fidlers now playing their last Lesson, the Gentlemen one after another
made their several _exits_, leaving the three women to pay the score;
who for some time waited the return of the Gentlemen with money, but in
vain. The Master of the house understanding how he was likely to be
serv’d, came up to the Women, and gave them such a lesson as made them
sing _lachrimæ_: they made many Apologies and excuses, but in vain, mony
or a sufficient pawn he would have before they went. They considering
the necessity of the business, resolved to leave some of their Rings and
such-like Moveables for their enlargement. Agreeing on the manner, they
were now considering the matter, what, & how much should be left, when
two or three men entred the Room, and bluntly asked for the Women,
naming them by their several names. Not only they, but the Master of the
house was of opinion, that they were come with Mony to redeem them; but
their Errand prov’d not so pleasant to the Vintner: for these men
declar’d themselves to be Bayliffs, and their business was to arrest the
three Women at several actions, and to that end produced their Warrant.
The Women were much troubled, and began to exclaim that they owed no
such sums; but the officers who were not to be baffled, told them, they
were their Prisoners, and must along with them. The Vintner now put in,
and demanded satisfaction, and would have the women leave some pawn for
the Reckoning; but the Officers told them, that they had best keep what
they had for occasion for it upon which they might have account of the
Arrest; and for the Reckoning, the Vintner must take his course at Law.
The Vintner for some time opposed the officers, and said he would be
paid first and although a Constable was sent for, yet to no purpose, for
the Warrant being produc’d, they were permitted to march off with their
Prisoners; and a Coach being call’d for they all crowded into it,
ordering the Coachman to drive towards the Gaol.

The Women used many arguments to the Bayliffs, who now having done their
business, seemed only at the request of the Women, to attend them to a
Tavern, whither the Coachman had orders to drive, and there they were
conducted into a Room, where in stead of Bayliffs, and a Prison, they
had the Company of their day Companions, who now kindly welcom’d them,
and acquainted them of their frollick, and how all this was only
designed to cheat the Vintner of his Reckoning, who had formerly put
tricks upon them. All parties being now well pleased, they spent that
night in the Tavern together, and my companion coming home the next day,
acquainted me with this Story.



                              CHAP. XXXVI.

_In prosecution of her Extravagancies, she comes acquainted with a young
  Gentleman, with whom she acts several frolicks, occasioned by seeing
  Playes acted._

This, continued Mrs. _Mary_ was my beginning, or entrance into my
publick profession, and indeed, I cannot well call it publick, for I was
private and reserved: not admitting any more servants but this one, in
one moneth; and indeed, in the first half year, I had but three, but
they were so bountiful, that I had wherewithal to satisfie my self in
every thing: having in Jewels, and other presents to the value of
100_l._ Neither had I any thing to pay for diet, or lodging, the charge
of that being always born by our _Matrona_, who I found had gained above
60_l._ in mony, for procuration, and assistance in winning me; besides,
a great deal more mony spent at her house in Collations, &
entertainments for me, which were very frequent and costly. The trade
for Maiden-heads falling, the price being so great, I was now forced to
fight under another Banner, and though I did not pass for a maid; yet I
was accounted in the next degree, for I passed as the Mistress, or Lady
of Pleasure, of a Person of Quality, who kept me as a great rarity for
his own dyet; and indeed I did not much deceive my first customers upon
that account; for whereas I went under the notion of belonging to one
Person, I did belong to but three: and I was forced to play my game
pretty cunningly to please them, and not give them suspition of one
another, for they being all introduced into my acquaintance by our
_Matrona_, or some of her Agents, she did help to manage my affairs; and
when she knew I was to accompany, or lye with one of my sweet hearts,
she would tell the other, if he or they desired the same, that it could
not be for the present, for either, I was waiting on my Uncle, or some
other relation, or otherwise employed, that I must be excused at the
present: but against such a time, she would endeavour to procure me to
accompany them; and this was her tale, or mine; when more then one
importuned me with their visits, and by this means did we both gain the
mony, and I, Rings, Necklaces, Watches and new Gowns, and sometimes some
Gold to spend, or play away; but in time these three growing somewhat
weary, or tyred both in their bodies and purses; but especially in the
last, they by degrees left me, seldom visiting me; and when they did,
they would desire their pleasure on free cost, although I could not be
so ungrateful as to deny them, that which cost me nothing, and which I
had equal pleasure in, yet I saw, it was time to look out for other
better customers; and therefore as I told you, I passed as the Mistress
of a Person of Quallity, and was sent for to our _Madonas_ house,
whether I would pretend, I had stolen out, but durst not stay, least my
amorous Master should return and want me: Several Persons I enjoyed at
this rate, and much ready mony was coming to me; for they with whom I
had to do, understanding I was a professed Lady of Pleasure, knew well
enough that I would not be contented to pleasure them without a reward;
and therefore they gave me money. But now the case was somwhat altred,
and I must now pay for my dyet, for our _Madona_, had, as I told you, a
certain custom, or rule: which she walked by, which was this: that at
the first she paid for dyet and lodging as long as the Maidenhead
customers lasted; for all that time she took the mony, and the Woman the
presents, very little mony coming to their hands; and indeed it was not
by our rules thought honourable or convenient, that a price in money
should be given on that account, to the party herself; but when they
came under the notion of a Lady of Pleasure, and Virginity was gone,
then it was accounted reasonable, and indeed necessary, that the Party
her self should receive mony for her better support, and then she must
be at the cost of her own dyet; and this was my cause: And my Companion
and Bedfellow, who had bin in this condition for some time, and had
passed, as I now did, for a private Lady a Merchants wife, and several
other Titles and qualities, was now grown so common, and her face was so
well known to all our _Madona’s_ better sort of customers, that she
would serve no longer in that degree; but must go a step lower; and go
home to our _Madona’s_ own house, and there serve in common, for all
Gentleman customers that came. Thus as I was removed one step lower then
I was, so was she, and it was not long ere I had a pretty young thing
brought to be my companion: and though her Virginity had bin parted with
above a twelve moneth before, (as she confessed to me) yet she was to
succeed me, in my place, and act the part of a Virgin as I had done.

I now began to bethink my self of what I had bin, and what more I was to
be, and run through: I found that I was already at the second degree,
and that in short time, I must follow my late companion to the third,
and be enforced to go home to our _Madona’s_ house, and there prostitute
my self to every drunken fellow that brought mony in his hand; to be
flabbered, tumbled and tossed, as he pleased: this I say went against my
stomack, & I was much troubled at it; nay, I saw that some who had bin
in as high a place and degree as my self, were in bad condition enough;
for there was one, who was my late companions bedfellow before I came,
and was at that time called into the house to make room for me, this
woman being very frolick, and withal negligent of our _Madona’s_
commands: which were to Sweat, Bath, and Purge, and use other remedies,
to drive away all distempers; she I say being negligent, & wanton, and
keeping an open stable for all Horses, gave entertainment to a running
Nag, which so paid her that she was soundly pepper’d, not with a Horse
Pox, but as bad, or a worse disease: which stuck to her so soundly, that
notwithstanding our _Madona’s_ diligence, she was fain to go under the
Surgeons hands. Nay, and those that did Escape this, were in time put to
bad offices, as to attend the rest, and when their money was gone, they
served the Grooms, and Skip-kennels that attended their Masters to our

These considerations, I say, made me think of a remedy to take in time;
and therefore I was resolved to order my matters so, as never to come
into our _Madona’s_ house but provide for my self before it should come
to that point; and therefore I purposed to accept of the offers of the
next good customer that came, that would take me from the condition I
was in, and to provide for me; for it was a usual thing, that we had
many offers by several persons to take us away; and keep and maintain us

I had now every day more variety of servants, then formerly; for now I
had done trafficking for my Maidenhead, I was more free and open, and to
be courted and treated at a cheaper rate; and now I was at my own
dispose, whereas before I was still watched by our _Madona_, or my
Companion, who had it in charge from her, to give an account of all my
actions; and the same charge had I given me over my new-come Bedfellow.
All that was expected from me, was always to be ready at my Lodging, to
come when sent for; but I had this in general, and so had all the rest
of our Companions, not to permit any man to exceed kissing and feeling,
till 3 or 4 Bottles of Wine were first drank.

These, and many other Maxims we were instructed in, which I shal omit,
and only give you an account of two or three frolicks I was a party in,
whilst I professed this quality, and so conclude.

Among other Servants, or Sweethearts, that I had, who were my constant
customers, I had one, a young Country Gentleman; who being heir of a
good estate, was brought up to _London_, and placed in one of the Inns
of Court; but instead of studying Law, he applyed himself to a more soft
and effeminate study: the Art of love and courtship: he had read _Ovid’s
Arte amandi_, at home in the Country, and could repeat many lines out of
it; and he had read some other pieces of _Poetry_; but his fancy was not
drawn to the height, till he had not only read some Comedies, but also
seen them acted; and then he was so taken with them, that he spent his
time commonly, every afternoon, in seeing one acted: he being a guest at
our house (being introduced thither by one of our Hectors) and his
pockets being very well lined with crowns, our _Matrona_ thought me a
fit Mistris for him; and he being a handsome young fellow, I willingly
accepted him for my servant: he being as (I told you) well skilled in
_Ovids Art of Love_, would often make use of several of his expressions,
to perswade me to his embraces.

Though he needed not use these arguments to induce me to permit him to
enjoy me: yet I was well enough pleased to hear his Poetry; and I being
no Novice in the school of love, did withstand him, knowing that the
mind is most eagerly bent on that which is forbidden; and therefore,
like a torrent, it overflows, and becomes more impetuous by opposition;
and I had read so much Poetry as to remember, that,

                    _She that is willing to love me;
                    To her unwilling will I be_
                    _Proffer’d pleasures I defy,
                    Give me her that doth deny_.

He making use of his Poetry, made me think of mine; and therefore I was
the more coy to him; but still held him in hand, and gave him certain
hopes of an absolute injoyment; This his vayne of Poetry was not only
pleasant to me, but profitable; and he fell into one of the finest
humors that I have heard of; for I attending him to the Play-houses very
frequently, we one day saw a Play called _Philaster_, or _Love lyes a
bleeding_: The Play being done, we went to a Tavern, and there he
highly commended the action, but above all things the womens parts: he
was very much pleased with _Arethusa’s_ constancy and love to
_Philaster_: but that which tickled him most, was _Megera’s_ acceptance
of _Pharamon’s_ Courtship; for though she were a great Court-Lady, yet
she accepted his gold which he presented her, and was so kind as to
attend his pleasure in his lodging. Now said he to me, though I have
tendred you my service, and am willing to make you a present of all I
have, yet I cannot induce you be so kind to me.

I now, hearing him at this point, was resolved to accept him & his
present, (for, though he had been some days in my company, yet he had
bestow’d nothing considerable upon me) & therefore I told him, that it
was true, the Lady _Megera_ did accommodate Prince _Pharamond_: but he
did first present her with somwhat that was considerable, to induce her
to it; and though I had a very great respect for his love, yet there was
somewhat more then love to be tendred, as he might now very well
understand by this late passage.

My yonker (who I suppose had never tasted woman, but with his Mothers
Chamber-Maids, or some such Creatures, knew not what belonged to Women
of my profession) being now awakened, as it were, out of a dead sleep;
quickly drew 5 pieces of Gold out of his Pocket, and made a present of
them: You may be sure I was not coy, nor cautious in receiving them; but
quickly put them up; and, for the present, thanks was all I returned,
delaying him in his desires, till we came to our _Madona’s_ quarters;
where we had a plentiful Supper: And I having now acquainted her how I
had dealt with my Young man; it was thought reasonable that he should
have a nights lodging for his Money; neither did I refuse it, but agreed
to all he asked me, and I so well pleased him, that I perswaded him out
of a Diamond Ring worth 5_l._ more.

I am the more particular in my relation, of my acquaintance with him:
and the means of our closing, by seing a Play, because of the advantages
I gained on him afterwards by the same occasion: for the next day we
again going to see a Play, it happened that it was the _Siege_ of
_Rhodes_, and then he was as much taken with _Roxolana_, as he had
formerly been with _Arethusa_, and highly commended that part: I
perceiving his fancy, told him, that I supposed he would be very glad to
imbrace _Roxolana_ in his Arms; Yes said he, that I would, though it
were at the expence of 20_l._ well said I, give me the money, and I will
so order the matter, that you shall receive that satisfaction; nay said
he, but I doubt you will be offended thereat; no said I, it will be as
much to my content, as yours. He hearing this, without any difficulty,
agreed to give me 20_l._ which was sent me that evening, I told him the
next day, that in one weeks time, he should receive the content he
expected, and to heighten his expectation, I refused to let him lye with
me in the mean time.

In this weeks time I so ordered the matter, that I got a Taylor, and
other persons who were used to make the habits for the Players, to make
me a habit in all things like to that of _Roxolana_; this being done, I
acquainted my young Gentleman, and told him that for his better
satisfaction, he should see the so famed _Princess_ at our quarters,
where he might have more freedom, then at any other place; he was
herewith very well contented; he habiting himself in the richest garbs
he had, and a large Colation was provided to treat his expected
Mistress; all things being thus fitted on his part; I put on the
provided habit: and instead of his expected _Roxolana_, entred the room
where he was: I was attended by two or three, who bore up my train, and
had set my self out with so many Jewels, both good & counterfeit: and
was indeed in all things so like the _Roxolana_ he had seen, that he
doubted not but I was the very same and was much surprized at the
matter; and although my face was as lovely as hers, yet I had added
somewhat thereto to appear more beautiful.

Our _Matrona_ seeing him somewhat amazed, went to him, and rouzing him
up, asked him, why he did not salute me; for said she, though her habit
is not _English_, yet you see she is of this Country, and will admit of
the ordinary salutes. He being now quickned up, approached me, and gave
me the ordinary salutations, which I accepted, and at his request I sate
down by him. Well, said our _Matrona_, hath not Mrs. _Mary_ performed
her promise with you. Yes, said he, to admiration: and if before I
desired this Ladies Company at the first view; I am now much more
pleased than I expected; and as I have a very great esteem for this
Lady, and intend to continue it, yet that shall be no prejudice to Mrs.
_Mary_, whose great love and kindness to me in this particular action, I
shall always remember, and largely requite: Well Sir, said I, and what
love you bestow on her shall be very acceptable to me, and I shall
indeavour to retalliat the same.

My young man had not till now heard me speak, and, though he did, he
could not distinguish me by my voice, so great a difference was there in
my habit, from my ordinary dress, that he did not so much as suspect it,
but, hearing me speak with so much affection for Mistris _Mary_; he
replyed; that since I was so much a friend to her, he was the better
satisfyed in what he had desired; and, he wanted nothing to content him,
so much, as her presence. Well, said our _Matrona_, if that be all, you
may have that satisfaction quickly: nay, and you have it already; for
she is in this Room: He hearing her, looked earnestly about; and though
he gazed much in my face, yet he could not discover me; but my greatest
business being now done, our _Matrona_ could no longer forbear, but fell
into a very great fit of laughter, and so did the rest of the company;
neither did this make him sensible of the matter, till our _Madona_,
taking him by the hand, caused him to take me by mine; and told him,
that if he desired Mistris _Maryes_ company there, he had it; for she
was the same party with that Lady, and had only put on that habit to
give him the content and satisfaction he desired.

Although at first he could not credit what she said, yet looking again
earnestly upon me, he discovered the matter; and then he said, _Ah
Madam, I did not imagine that you could be guilty of so pleasing a
fallacy; but I am very well satisfied therein, and am now more glad that
you have found out this way to please me, than if I enjoyed the very
party her self_.

To this I answered, _That I hoped I should as well satisfie his desire
in enjoying that_ Princess _whom I represented, as if he had in his
Company the same person who acted that part at the Theatre; for, said I,
it is only her habit that makes her appear so like a_ Princess; _and I,
being now in the same dress, may as well pass as she; and as for face,
and other parts, I shall not give her any preheminence, neither, I hope,
will you, if you look on me with an impartial eye_.

My friend was very well satisfyed in what I had done and said, and now
coming more near to me, we fell to our Collation with much freedom. I
was attended by several whom I had appointed to that purpose, and
demeaned my self so Majestically, that as they all told me, I might very
well pass for the very person whom I did represent; and my Gentleman was
so extremely well pleased, that I thought he would have lost his eyes in
gazing at me. Our Collation being ended, I and my attendants danced, and
spent much time in such kind of divertisements; but I saw that my friend
was impatient till bed time came, that he might have me, his beloved
_Princess_, in his arms: we were waited on with all manner of state, and
had Musick attending us, not only all the time we were up, but also when
we were in bed: they being placed in the Chamber adjoyning to our
lodgings, where they played for two hours space after we were retired.

The strength of imagination was much, for as my bedfellow imagined that
he had a _Princess_ in his arms so I conceited my self to be little
less: great was the pleasure, I received from, and gave to my bedfellow,
for we were both in the flower of our age, he being about twenty, and I
eighteen, we had both equal desires, and thought of nothing but
pleasure: we banished all other passions, to make way for that of love
according to the Poet.

                  _Fair_ Venus _never goes to Bed,
                  To those that are with sorrows fed._


                             CHAP. XXXVII.

_Her Friend being forced from her by his friends she meeting with one of
  her old acquaintance, falls again to trading, till in the end, she
  meets with the_ Drugster, _who kept her for his private use._

Although I was well enough pleased with my nights lodging, and so was my
bedfellow; yet, as the longest day, so will the longest night have an
end; and no pleasure is lasting, neither would ours continue, for the
morning being come we were again called up by Musick, but being glutted
with that, we ordered them to retire, and I first arose out of our bed
and going to dress me in my ordinary habit, my bedfellow did forbid it,
and intreated me to give him the satisfaction, and delight, to see me
again in my Turkish dress. He having pleased me so well, I was contented
to pleasure him, in a request that was so indifferent; and therefore
dressed my self accordingly.

He was so well pleased with me in every thing, that taking me in his
arms, I remember he sighed, and I demanding the reason of that passion,
he told me, it was out of the extremity of the love he bore me: and
which he desired above all things to continue; Indeed I liked him so
well, that I could have been well enough contented to have been his
wife, and have left all the world for him, for he was of so easie a
plyant nature, that I could have wrought him to any thing: and therefore
being desirous to make use of that opportunity, I desired him not to be
melancholy, for all that I could serve him in, I should readily do: he
finding me so free with him, told me if that I would wait the death of
his Mother, he would make me his wife, and in the mean time, would
entertain me, & provide for me wholly as if I were so: but he durst not
marry me till his Mother was dead, she having a great power over his
estate, his Father who was lately dead, so ordering it; and beside, he
was not as yet of Age to demand it. I being desirous to close with him,
(not only out of a desire I had to leave that course of life I then led;
but also out of Pure love I bore him,) soon agreed to be wholly disposed
by him, & desired him therefore to be constant in his affection; and
take some time to consider how to dispose of me, and I should readily
consent to it, for he knew as well as I, that it would not at all be
convenient for me to remain where I was. This was our discourse, and
then we went from our Chamber into another Room, where we were expected
by our _Matrona_, and some others of my companions: the next day we also
spent in frolicking and mirth; but the whole charge of it, was not born
by my friend, for several of our _Matrona’s_ Friends and Clients did
participate in the cost: as well as the mirth, which was very high, and
lasted all the day and night; and then tyred, though not satisfied with
such delights as _Bacchus_ and _Venus_ could afford: we (having imitated
the Empress _Messalina_ in our debauchery; of whom the Poet saith.

            _The Imperial Strumpet, with one maid stole out,
            In her night hoods, and having cast about:
            Her black hair, a red Perriwig she got,
            Into the stewes----
            There many thirsted for encounters tryed
            Departed tyr’d with men, not satisfied._

This frolick being at an end, I and my friend began to be serious, and
in short time after he provided me a private lodging, and I making up my
pack of cloths, Jewels and Mony which I had gained, and which was
considerable, left our _Madona_ and now retired my self, and resolved to
be very honest, and absolutely constant to my friend: who continued his
love to me in a very great measure.

But at length all the moneys that he brought to Town with him, and all
else that he could get or procure, was spent; (for he had not spared any
thing I desired to content me,) and which was worse, his Mother came to
Town to visit him, and upon examination he could give little account,
how he had spent his time and monyes; wherefore it being concluded that
ill company was the cause, his Mother laid out very diligently to
discover what company he kept: though he abstained from coming so often
to me, as formerly, Yet, he either sent, or came to me every day: that
he might not be absolutly out of favor with his Mother, I furnished him
with what ready mony I had, and he in requital, promised me a
continuance of his love, & a retalliation of my kindness, & which was
more then all, he engaged to marry me (notwithstanding all the
oppositions his mother or friends could make,) if I would stay till he
was of age, and had his estate in his hands; I had this promise from
him, not only by word of mouth, but also by writing; but all these
promises were quickly vacuated and void; for his mother, by her
extraordinary diligence found out his haunts, and discovered his coming
to me; and followed the tract of my actions, and life; that she found
from whence I came, and who I was; and then soon concluded, that I had
been the chief occasion of his mispending his time, and moneys; and now
she mustred up all her wits, to prevent his ruine: which she supposed
would be inevitable, if he continued any longer a correspondency with

To this end she called her Son before her, and examined him in the
presence of all those of his Relations and friends which were then in
Town. She laid the business so plain, and home to him, that he could not
deny the matter, somewhat of the manner he did; for whereas she reported
me an absolute _Prostitute_, he alleged me _virtuous_ and _modest_, as
indeed well he might (for I had, ere since my first acquaintance with
him, been constant to him) but it being proved from whence I came, and
how immodest I had lived, it was sufficient argument to make out what I
was, and that I could not be a fit Wife for him: She was a very discreet
Woman, and one who had known the World, and I suppose was well enough
acquainted with that saying of the _Poet_.

            If Modesty and Women once do sever,
            Farewel their name, farewel their fame for ever.

And therefore it being evident enough what I had been, she from thence
concluded what I would be: In fine, she so scooled her son, and ordered
the matter, that he was contented to relinquish my company; and because,
she would be sure he should doe so, she never left, till she had got him
in the mind to travel: and so putting him in an equipage befitting his
quality, she sent him for _France_.

Thus, when I thought my self near the greatest happiness I ever yet
arrived to: (which I earnestly hoped, and expected, by being married to
this young Gentleman) was I stripped of all joy, and comfort, in his
suddain and absolute departure from me; his Mother, and Friends, were so
strict with him, that they would not permit him, to take his farewel of
me; I only received a short letter from him, wherein, he complained of
his ill fortune, in being thus forced from me: but more especially at
the manner of it; for he had not the opportunity, nor power to be civil
to me, in reimbursing me, with the moneys I had lately furnished him
with; for his Mother gave him no more ready moneys, then he should have
present occasion for; promising him, to supply him with more by Bills of
Exchange, when he should arrive at the place he was designed for; and
then he promised that I should hear further from him.

This was the substance of his letter; and indeed I could not well
complain of him; for what moneys he had lately received of me had
formerly been his own; but I was now reduced to a very bad, and low
condition: having no ready money, so that I was forced to sell some of
my Jewels; and for a while supplyed my occasions, with the moneys they
yielded me; I living a very solitary, and retired life; and all my
pleasure was in reading Playes, and Romances: in which I spent much
time, and took great delight; I waited long in expectation of letters
from my friend, according to his promise; but whether he sent, and they
were intercepted, or how: or whether he forgot me, or no, I know not;
for I never after that heard of him.

Being somewhat weary with this solitary life; and finding no effects, of
my friends promise to send to me; I began to consider, what course I was
to take; I was very unwilling to visit my old _Matrona_ again; but one
day, walking out, I was met by one of my old sweethearts: one of those
whom I had known in her house; but I saw by his habit, and afterwards by
the strength of his Pocket, that he was but in a low condition, and was
more ready to receive, than give; he fastned on me for old acquaintance
sake, I was forced to drink with him; but he ingeniously told me, that
_Hector_ was not in Field, he had no money in his Pocket; wherefore I
(though money was not very flush with me, as having had a long time of
vacation:) not only paid our reckoning: but at his intreaty, doubly
hors’d him, by lending him, (or I may rather say giving him) two half

This put him in stock and heart, and he gratefully acknowledged my
civility, telling me he would requite it, and talking of thousands he
was to receive. He was very earnest to know my Lodging, but I concealed
that place from him, and, as I thought, parted from him warily enough,
and went many ways about before I went home; but he dog’d me, and seeing
me hous’d, waited, lest that might not be the place; but after a
sufficient stay he was better satisfied; for I came no more out, and so
he went to his Quarters.

This my old acquaintance, as he had formerly been bit, and had others
lived upon him, so now he only lived upon others; and though it was not
above a twelve month since he was very gallant, and spent very highly
with me, yet he had made hast and consumed above 3000_l._ he was young
enough, and as wanton and desirous as ever of my Company; but he knew
very well I would not consent, unless there were money in the case; he
being destitute of that necessary commodity, therefore sought out for
one who was better supply’d with it; he needed not to look long, neither
did he, till he found one, who was now, as not long since he had been,
better stor’d with mony than wit, and as desirous of pleasure, being
willing to purchase it at any rate; him he tells of a rare purchase, a
Lady whom he had the happiness, to be acquainted with, that was rarely
handsome, of an excellent good nature, and he questioned not but she
might be flexible. The monyed Gallant did not ask many questions, but
desired by all means to see this celebrated beauty; for he doubted not
but she must needs be handsom, whom the other so cried up for beautiful.
My old acquaintance was as willing as he to attend him to this Lady,
which was my self; and therefore to me they came, and believing that
Confidence was the best way of speaking with me; he boldly asked to see
and speak with me; pretending great business, not so much as questioning
whither I lived there or no. The people of the house believing him one
of my intimate acquaintance, directly brought him and his friend up into
my Chamber.

I was somewhat surpriz’d at the sight of him; but after the first
salutes he took me to one side, and privately told me all his design;
and that this party whom he had brought, was a very well-money’d man, &
much might be squeez’d out of him. Although I was not yet resolved to
fall to my old trade, yet now he was come, I knew not how to put him
off, wherefore I indifferently entertained, and I may very well say
indifferently: because, I was yet cold in my desires, and had very
little appetite, however some bottles of Wine being sent for, we drank
them off: and my young Gentleman being warm in his gears, began to talk
a little boldly, but it was to no purpose, for I forbid all actions, and
at that time he only purchased a kiss, but (that I may draw to a period
to my discourse,) I did not long continue so cold to him, for he
bringing meat in his mouth, good store of Gold in his pocket, which he
willingly and freely gave me, I permitted him to take all the pleasure
he could receive by me.

Thus did I renue my old trade, and my old friend, who had brought this
new acquaintance, finding some benefit and profit in the case; for he
had money of his acquaintance, whom he had brought, as also of me,
neither could I at convenient times, deny him the pleasure he had
formerly tasted with me; he, I say, having both pleasure and profit,
turned Broaker for me, and brought me several Merchants, who traffiqued
with me for pleasure: which I commonly afforded them a good pennyworth,
though sometimes a dear one, for I would not deal with every ordinary
fellow, and therefore was paid the better, by those who were my

But let me do what I could, I saved little or nothing at the months end,
(years I will not say, because I was weary of this trade in six months
time:) for I now had not only my self, but this my old acquaintance,
tance and new Broker to provide for; For he finding that most of my
profit, came in by those he brought me, would be very bold in demanding
a share with me: and his expences were so high, which he pretended, was
only to bring me of the better sort of customers, that I was now poorer
then ever, and he now became so impudent, that he would not only command
my money, but my Rings, and other Jewels, which he would sell or pawn as
he listed; and indeed it is the fortune, or misfortune, of all those of
our Quality, to be troubled with some such fellows, hangers on as these,
or else we should or might in little time gain sufficient estates; but
as I say commonly, what we got one way, these followers spend the other,
so that at length all that we are likely to purchase, if we have not a
great care, is only a disease, which may stick long enough by us. I
being fearful of this, for my Friend or Hector, I may call him both, was
now grown so intemperate, that he kept all companies: and if I refused
him money, or a nights lodging, he would go to any other common woman,
the first he met withal, and so afterwards comming to me, I might be
spoiled; to prevent this, I privately left my lodging, and hearing of
two of my own sex, and quality, that were going a progress into the
Country, to take a frollick, I made the third, and had a man as well as
they to attend me; and as I expected, to bear my charges; but we all
reckoned without our host, for we were basely trappand, by those who
went with us, and left in pawn for a reckoning that was considerable; we
were in a strange place, many miles from _London_, and much distressed,
but at length a resolution was taken, that one of us should go to
_London_, and fetch money to redeem the rest, it fell to the lot of one
of my companions, who being on her Journey, had the good luck to meet
with honest _Gregory_, our now companion, and he very liberally relieved
us, by sending mony to us, whereby we had the freedom to come to our
companion, and him, who attended us. She being come to this part of her
Relation, I told her, that I heard it already by _Gregory_, who among
other passages of his life, acquainted me with that.

Well then replyed she, if you know that account, I have little more to
acquaint you with, for not long after my arrival in _London_, I
fortunately met with my honest friend the _Drugster_, and he liking me
for a Mistress, and I him for a servant or Master which you please,
agreed to obey his pleasures, he providing for me, which he hath
hitherto done in a very plentiful manner: and I on the other side, have
bin as constant and obedient to him.

                             CHAP. XXXVIII.

_Mistress_ Mary _having finished, Mistress_ Dorothy _begins her story,
  wherein she relates, that having left her friends in the Country, she
  comes to_ London, _and entring to service, lyes with 3 several men, by
  whom she was got with Child, and so orders the matter, that all 3 pay
  well for it._

I had given very great attention to Mrs. _Maries_ story, and Mrs.
_Dorothy_ (who, with me, had been the only Auditor) told her, that she
had received a great deal of satisfaction; for, said she, though I have
formerly heard many of your particular actions, yet I never received a
perfect account till now. Nay, said Mrs. _Mary_, this account is far
from being perfect, and is only such passages as I could at present call
to mind; but indeed they are the most remarkable, and by them you may
guess at the rest.

I was very well pleased with what I had heard, and being likewise
desirous to be acquainted with the adventures of Mrs. _Dorothy_
requested her to relate them to me, which she did as followeth.

Old friend (said she to me) you have great occasion to love and respect
me, for the great love I have born to you, and your memory; for after
your departure from my Fathers house, I was very much afflicted for your
absence, and I did believe that you intended marriage to me, as you
protested; and though my Father and Mother had often doubted of the
reallity of your intentions, especially, after you had so unworthily
left me, yet I still perswaded them that you would return. You know well
enough, that my Father was not ignorant of our privacy, he having
surprized us in the manner, and you then promised to make me amends by
marriage; but all the satisfaction I received was a Copy of Verses, and
20 pieces of Gold: In the one you expressed your Wit, in the other your
Generosity, for I very well knew that you might have omitted both, and
not have sent either; but I suppose, you were more skilful than I, and
knew that I was with Child by you, and therefore sent that mony to
defray the charge I should be at on that occasion. This piece of
civility of yours did put me into good hopes, that you would return; and
I accordingly perswaded my Father, and Mother; but time convinced me of
my error: and also made it more apparent that I had been sporting with
you; for my Belly swelled so, that my Mother soon resolved me that I was
with Child by you.

I was very melancholly upon this occasion, but my Mother indeavoured to
comfort me (for I being her only Child) she had a great deal of love for
me; and knowing what was pass’d could not be helped, she took order to
conceal and keep the knowledge of my misfortune from being publiquely
known and discoursed of; Wherefore I, at her desire and directions, kept
within doors, pretending a sickness, which indeed was not wholly
counterfeit, in regard I much grieved for your absence. In this
condition I spent my time, till the time of my deliverance from
Childbearing came, and then I was brought to bed of a Boy, which was no
sooner born, but it was taken and carried from me, to a Town three miles
off, to be nursed by a woman, whom my Mother had for that purpose
provided; and this was done to conceal the shame that I should or might
sustain, if it were known that I had a Child, without knowing who, or at
least, where was the Father.

So soon as a Month was expired, I went to see the Child, the sight of
which put me too much in mind of the Father; and I was then again
sensibly afflicted, at his absence; methoughts in that infancy there was
so much resemblance of my beloved deceiver, that I kiss’d the Infant not
only for its own, but for the Fathers sake. I then returned home agen,
and now after so long a time of retirement, I began to recover, not only
my strength, but some additions to my beauty; so that I having had 2 or
3 Suitors, when a Maid, who had forborn visiting me by occasion of my
ilness, they now agen renew their suits; but if I had some dislike for
them before, now I could not endure them in my company, they were such
absolute Hobbinolls. Though I was not satisfied in their frequent
visits, yet my Father and Mother press’d me, not only to accept them,
but also their suit, and make choice of one of them for a husband,
alleging, that you would never return; and it would be not only safe but
necessary, in time to bestow my self. This discourse did much disturb
me, and I was so often troubled with my suiters, and disturbed and vexed
by my Father and Mothers importunity, that I resolved to quit both, by
leaving them, and therefore purposed to go to _London_, that I might not
be troubled with the importunity of my Father and Mother; nor the
troublesome visits of my sweethearts.

In persuance of this resolve, I fitted my self with all necessaries; and
that I might not wholly distract my Parents by my thus leaving them, I
writ a Letter of excuse, & left it for them; & so walking to the next
great Town, attending the coming by of the Passage Coach, and in that
got me a place to ride to _London_.

I continued for some time in the Inne where the Coachman set me down,
and the rest of his Passengers; but knowing it would be impossible for
me to continue long there, I gained acquaintance with the Maid of the
house, and told my tale to her as well as I thought convenient. She
understanding that I was willing to serve, and wanted a place; and I
acquainting her with my abilities, as that I could sew, wash, and
starch, and do most necessary things required of a servant, She soon
procured me a Place in a house that entertained many Lodgers. I spent a
quarter of a years time very privately and honestly in this service; but
then our house being full of Lodgers, one of them cast a wanton eye on
me, and being well pleased with my face, began to court me very
familiarly; although at first I opposed him, and gave him nothing but
slights and denials, yet he so managed his business by Presents which he
gave me, and making use of all other opportunities that he gained his
will of me, and I again entred the Lists in a loving Combate. He took
many opportunities for enjoyment, not only in the day time, but
sometimes we spent whole nights in our amorous sports; and though my Mr.
and Mrs. did not discover any thing of the matter, yet another
Gentleman, who was also a Lodger, and lay in the next Chamber to my
friends, watching me, found out my haunt; and therefore he (being as
amorous as the other) was desirous of sport, became a Suiter to me upon
the same account. I absolutely denied him, for I thought it was enough
to have to do with one man, and was resolved to venture my self no
further; but he taking the opportunity of the others absence, first
treated me with Wine, then presented me with a Ring; but all this would
not do, till he in plain terms told me, that he knew very well I was not
so hard-hearted to every one; for were Mr. such a one, naming my friend,
there, I would not deny him the curtesie: I at first made strange of
this story, and deny’d it, but he falling into plain terms with me, and
telling me that he had watched me such a night, when I lay with him, I
could not then deny it, neither did I long deny or refuse him what he
desired; so that he likewise took his pleasure with me; and having
obtained his desire at that time, he made bold with me so often as he
listed, when the other was out of the way.

I had now two Bedfellows, so that I could seldom lie alone, one of them
would still bespeak me; but the first of them did not know of the 2d.
though he knew very well of the other: Though I had sport enough with
these two, yet it was not long ere a third man likewise put in for a
share with them, and that was my Masters brother; he was a very pretty
young man, and one whom I could well enough love for a Husband; but he
looked a little higher than to marry a Servant-maid: but as a Mistress
he courted me. Many attempts he made in vain; but time that bringeth
every thing to pass, made me flexible, and I likewise gave him
possession of the thing he desired: he took much pleasure in my company,
and very respectful to me, often presenting me with Linnen and Laces,
and sometimes a Crown or an Angel came from his Pocket, as well as from
the other two, who well fed me with mony, which I still pocketed up: but
as I got mony, so again I got somewhat else, a great Belly, and which
was the worst of my three friends, I knew not which was the Father; but
if I am not mistaken, I believe it was my Masters Brother.

But I was resolved the other two should help to Father it, or else pay
for it; and therefore I soon told them all three, as they had occasion
to deal with me, in what condition I was. My first and oldest friend was
most troubled at it, being as he thought the most concerned, because he
knew not of any else that had to do with me; he was somewhat startled at
it, lest, as he said, his wife should come to know it; for, he was a
married man: and although his wife sometimes came to Town, and would lie
with him; yet he would sometimes before he went to bed to her, take his
opportunity to have his pleasure with me; He, I say was troubled at the
news: but that did not hinder us, in our purposed nights lodging, only
in the intervals we considered what course to take; at length it was
resolved, that he would provide for me, the time of my lying Inn, and
afterwards for the child; and in earnest of the charge, he soon gave me
20_l._ to provide me with necessaryes. I having now done with my first
customer, was resolved to get something out of my 2d: but he still gave
me the hearing, presuming on his knowledge of my having to do with the
first; yet, he would not on this occasion, advance any thing, intending
to shirk off, because no body knew what trade we did drive together.

I perceiving his intention; was resolved to be even with him, and it may
be out-wit him; and that he might not distrust me, I seemed no ways
dissatisfied, but gave him as much freedom with me, as ever; but to
carry on my design, I thought good to break the business to my Masters
Brother; wherefore, I likewise acquainted him with my condition, and
told him in plain terms, that I was with child by him; He could not deny
the fact, nor make any excuse; not knowing of my dealings with the other
two; But he was likewise very much surprized; But I doubting, he might
put me off; I took the opportunity of telling him this news, when we
were in bed together, knowing there I should have time, and conveniency
to discourse it.

He knew not what to say, and indeed was very cold with me; and I was
forced to help him out, for he was then a Suiter to a young Gentlewoman,
and was fearful that this business would hinder his fortunes; and though
he loved me well enough, yet he was unwilling to marry me: for that
would prove so disadvantagious to him: he supposing that nothing but
marriage would content me, was much troubled, and could not tell what
answer to give me: wherefore I was forced to break silence, and told
him, that as I loved him, so I would shew him sufficient proofs of it;
for I would not that my love should ruine him, as I knew it would, if
the world should know what had passed between us; and though nothing
could satisfie me but marriage; yet I could be content to wave that, and
propose somewhat else of satisfaction; nay then, said he, if you will be
so kind to me, propose your own terms, and take them; I hearing him thus
generous, it was not long ere we concluded upon terms; which were these,
that he would give me 20_l._ down to bear my charges in the time of my
Lying-in, and if the child lived, he would give 50_l._ more to any
person whom I would appoint to take the child, and provide for it; these
terms I was well enough satisfied with, only I considering that he would
hear of my lying with the other, because I intended to discover that to
him, and have his assistance therein, and then I doubted he would
suspect me, and it may be refuse to pay the 50_l._ when due; therefore I
was resolved to have him seal a Bond to me, for payment of it: and I
urged him to do it out of this consideration, that he was to be married:
and though he now loved me well-enough, yet when he had a Wife, he would
happily slight and forget me, and so refuse or neglect to pay it. He was
content to hear my arguments: and though alwayes protesting a
continuance of his love to me, notwithstanding all the Wives in the
World; yet he consented to give me Bond according to my desire.

Thus every thing being agreed on, we again renewed our pleasures, and
spent that night, as we had done many before. But morning being come, I
arose, and so managed my affairs, that I that day had a Bond Sealed to
me for payment of 50_l._ to be paid in 6 months; I also within few dayes
received of him the 20_l._ he had promised me.

Thus did I order my matters with my first and last Customers, and I gave
them their wonted satisfaction of Lying with me so often as they
pleased; and so I did to the other my middle Customer; but do what I
could, I could not bring him to any considerable Composition; and though
he were the best able, yet he offered me the least, and intended to come
off with a trifle; however I gave him his wonted freedom with me, but
purposed ere long to be even with him, as I was.

For one night being in bed with my Masters Brother; I having very well
pleased him, he talked of his little _Hans in Kelder_, the Boy in my
belly, wishing very well to it, not in the least doubting but it was of
his own begetting, and using many words to that purpose: well Sir, said
I, it is very true, it is yours, but if I would have been as free with
others, as I have been with you, it might have had more, if not another
Father; and thereupon I proceeded, and told him how that I had been
often importuned by Mr. such a one, his Brothers Lodger, and my 2d.
Bedfellow. Well replyed he, I am the more beholding to you, that you
have accepted of me rather than him; but though I am not at all
dis-satisfied in what I have done, I wish he had been the Father, for
your sake as well as mine, for you may compel him to marriage, or else
get a considerable sum of money from him. As for marriage, said I, I
doubt I should hardly draw him to it, but some monies I might get of
him, and would yet, if you will but consent to it, and assist me
therein. To this he answered, that in any thing I should desire, he
would not be wanting, and therefore he bid me propound the way, and he
would not fail in his assistance: I then told him, that I knew but one
way to do it, and in that I must play the disloyal wag with him, to do
that which I had no mind: for that matter, said he, you shall have my
consent, and I think I guess at your meaning, which is, that you must
agree to let him ly with you; wherefore since it will be so advantagious
to you, let him do it; for I am sure he can do me no great wrong, for
notwithstanding what he can do, the Child will be all mine, of my own

He being so free to it, and agreeing to all things according to my
desire, we resolved that I should permit my second Sweetheart to ly with
me; but I should so order the matter, that he should take us in the
manner, and then we would agree to act the rest very well. I now having
laid my plot very well, and orderly, I appointed my time when I would ly
with him and agreed to leave the Chamber door open, that he, rising
early the next morning, might (pretending some business) enter the
Chamber, and find us in Bed together. Our plot being thus laid, and my
2_d._ Sweetheart desiring it, I promised to come to bed to him about
midnight, which I did; but my Masters brother knowing of my design, was
resolved to have the first carving of me, and that he should only have a
butter’d Bun; and therefore caused me to ly with him all the former part
of the night; but midnight being past, he permitted me to proceed in my
adventure. I was expected by my Bedfellow, and accordingly entertained;
but I minding the design I was about, awaked early in the morning, and
so ordered the matter, that my Bedfellow likewise threw off his
drowsiness to encounter with me in our nocturnal pastime, which when he
had done, I began to discourse him, reasoning the cause with him, and
desiring him to resolve me what he would do for me in that condition I
was, and what provision he would make for me. He gave me indifferent
answers, and I grew passionate with him, and on a sudden the Chamber
door opened, and my Masters Brother entred the room. I seeing this, left
off speaking and crouded my self close down into the bed, as if
pretending to hide my self; but he coming boldly on, bid my Bedfellow
Good morrow, and asking him a question, came nearer the Bed side, and
drawing the Curtains, said, what have you a Bedfellow? No said he, not
I; surely said the other you have, for I am mistaken if I did not hear
some other tongue than yours; the other deny’d it, but he knowing well
enough what he had to do, soon found out where my Petticoats lay: _How_,
said he, _surely you have a Bedfellow, and that a female one_; the other
being thus surprized, knew not what to say: Wherefore my Mr. Brother
proceeding, said, _surely I should know these Coats, for, if I am not
mistaken, they are our Maid_ Dorothys. I finding my self discovered, now
appeared, and in the first place beg’d his pardon, and _that he would
not acquaint my Mr. and Mrs. with it_. He seeming very angry soundly
rated me and my Bedfellow, and said he, _this is not the first time that
you two have lain together, for I have long suspected you, and have
watched you_. _Truly Sir_, said I, _it is true this Gentleman hath long
known me, but I pray you make no more words of it at present, and for
modesties sake leave the Chamber, and I will anon satisfie you further
in every particular._ My Bedfellow likewise requesting the same, he very
civilly left us, shutting the Chamber door after him. My Bedfellow was
much surprized at this sudden accident, and I seemed to be so; and
quickly getting my cloaths, arose and left him, retiring into my own
Chamber, leaving him to consider it.

I having now done my business, by having a witness of my lying with him,
was bold with him, to know what I should do in the case; _for_ said I,
_my Masters Brother will certainly acquaint my Mr. and Mrs. with our
actions, and then I must leave the house, and whither to go, I know not,
nor who will entertain me_. He argued that the other, my first
Sweetheart, must provide for me; to this I told him, _that I believed,
that he would do somewhat for me, but he had a Wife, and could not do
what he listed, whereas he on the contrary was a single man, and rich
enough_; and he still endeavouring to put me off, and lay all upon the
first; I in plain terms told him, _that if he continued to say so, I
would wholly deny my dealings with the other, and though he should
avouch it, yet he would not be believed, he being himself a party
guilty, as could be proved by my Masters Brother; and therefore it would
be judged by all, that he, and he alone, was the Father of the Child,
and would be forced to marry me, or at least provide for me and the
Child_. I having told him my resolution, left him to consider of it, and
then my Masters Brother came to him, and he and I together so ordered
the matter, that he gave me 20_l._ down, and gave me bond to pay 50_l._
more at the Birth of the Child. This, said Mrs. _Dorothy_, was the first
of my adventures.

_And this shall be the last I shall relate to you in this part,
referring the prosecution of hers, and others adventures, to a third


      *      *      *      *      *      *

Transcriber’s note:

Every attention was paid to retaining the spelling and punctuation of
the original, with a few exceptions, noted below.

On occasion, obvious printer’s errors have been modified; e.g. the
repetition of words or syllables at line breaks.

The spelling has been left intact, except where there are obvious
printer’s errors, or where a more conventional spelling is employed in
every other instance. Minor inconsistencies in punctuation have also
been corrected, without further mention.

The cover image has been fabricated and is placed in the public domain.

On p. 223, the Latin quotation from Petronius includes the name
‘Aerisium’, which, in the following translation is given as ‘Acresius’.
The entire passage from ‘It can make knees bow...’, including the
citation from Petronius, seems to have been cribbed from Owen Feltham’s
_Resolves: divine, morall and politicall_, where ‘Acrisium’ appears.
Feltham died the year our volume was published, and his _Resolves_ was a
very popular in the day and continued to be republished into the 19th

The following table summarizes the issues encountered, and their

 p. x       inclina[na]tion                             Removed.

 p. 10      they found the contrary to [to] their cost  Removed, line

 p. 33      of such as [as] should live                 Removed.

 p. 38      Dicision                                    _sic._

 p. 42      Water to Wat[a/e]r,                         Corrected.

 p. 57      transpla[n]ted                              Added.

 p. 73      conclude wi[l/t]h the Poet                  Corrected.

 p. 130     socie[t/i]y                                 Corrected.

 p. 131     set [own by and] ancient _Patrico_          _sic._ ‘down by

 p. 204     this Mys[s]tery                             Corrected, line

 p. 214     them as[ ]soon                              Added.

 p. 223     A[c/e]risium                                Corrected.

 p. 365     acquaintance, [tance]                       Removed, line

 p. 376     I [I] seeing this                           Removed, line

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