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Title: A Humorous History of England
Author: Harrison, Charles, -1943
Language: English
As this book started as an ASCII text book there are no pictures available.
Copyright Status: Not copyrighted in the United States. If you live elsewhere check the laws of your country before downloading this ebook. See comments about copyright issues at end of book.

*** Start of this Doctrine Publishing Corporation Digital Book "A Humorous History of England" ***

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PRICE: THREE PENCE



                               A Humorous
                           History of England


                      The essentials of England's
                         History Told in Rhyme

                           Light and Amusing


                                Told and
                                Pictured
                                   by
                              C. Harrison.


                               Price 3d.

                     With Forty Eight Illustrations



Concerning Anæmia

(Poorness of Blood.)

IN MEN AND WOMEN,

_by the late
DR. ANDREW WILSON._


_The public are very familiar with the term "Anæmia," and this fact
alone testifies to the extremely common nature of the ailment thus
indicated._

_As a rule Anæmia shows a gradual progress. There is experienced a
feeling of lassitude, of being "easily tired out," and a distaste for
active exertion. The digestion is enfeebled, and, without feeling
actually ill, the sufferer inclines towards an inactive life, while the
appetite usually disappears, and a general bodily upset is represented.
The lips are pale, the red of the eyelids, seen by turning down the
lower eyelid, will exhibit a similar appearance. Breathlessness is
another notable sign; the least exertion, going upstairs for instance,
causes the sufferer to pant, because the heart, not being supplied with
blood of good quality, cannot perform its work properly. The pulse is
weak and irregular._

    _For ANÆMIA (shown by breathlessness on slight exertion, pallor,
    depression and weakness) Doctors prescribe the well-known Iron
    Jelloids No. 2.--there is nothing better._

    _For DEBILITY, WEAKNESS and NERVINESS, Men find the Ideal Tonic
    and Restorative in Iron Jelloids No. 2A._


_A Ten Days Treatment (price 1/3) will convince you._

[Illustration: Iron 'Jelloids'
(_Pronounced Jell-Lloyds._)]

  Reliable Tonic for Men            Iron Jelloids No. 2A.
  For Anæmia in Men and Women       Iron Jelloids No. 2.
  For Growing Children              Iron Jelloids No. 1.

_Of all Chemists. A Ten Days Treatment 1/3. Large size 3/-_


_Manufactured by The Iron Jelloid Co., Ltd., 189, Central Street,
London E.C.1. England._



                               A HUMOROUS
                           HISTORY OF ENGLAND



                           TOLD AND PICTURED
                                   by
                              C. HARRISON


                              Published by
                            WARRICK & BIRD,
                      4, Nile Street, London, N.1.
                                 1920.



[Illustration: An After-Dinner Speech in Ye Olden Time.
(And any other Time.)]



[Illustration: BOADICEA.]


  Preface        _"Arms and the man" was Virgil's strain;
                  But we propose in lighter vein
                  To browse a crop from pastures (Green's)
                  Of England's Evolution scenes.
                  Who would from facts prognosticate
                  The future progress of this State,
                  Must own the chiefest fact to be
                  Her escalator is the Sea._

[Illustration: "Take cover"]

  Prehistoric     Historians erudite and sage,
                  When writing of the past stone age,
                  Tell us man once was clothed in skins
                  And tattooed patterns on his shins.
                  Rough bearded and with shaggy locks
                  He lived in dug-outs in the rocks.
                  Was often scared and run to earth
                  By creatures of abnormal girth:
                  Mammoths and monsters; truth to tell
                  We find their names too long to spell.
                  He joined in little feuds no doubt;
                  And with his weapons fashioned out
                  Of flint, went boldly to the fray;
                  And cracked a skull or two per day.

  Druids          We read of priests of Celtic day,
                  Ancient Druids, holding sway
                  By smattering of Occult law
                  And man's eternal sense of awe.
  Stonehenge      They used Stonehenge on Salisbury Plain
                  Reputed Prehistoric Fane;
                  Note each megalithic boulder;
                  No Monument in Europe's older.

[Illustration]

[Illustration: "Veni, Vidi, Vici"]

  Phoenicians     Merchant explorers of that day,
                  Hustling Phoenicians, came this way
                  To ship tin ore from Cornish mines
                  Three thousand years before these lines.
                  But still in spite of petty strife
                  Man lived what's termed the 'simple life'
  Julius Cæsar    Till Julius Cæsar in five-five
  B.C. 55         With his galleys did arrive.
                  He wrote despatches of the best,
                  'Veni, Vidi' and the rest,
                  Sending the news of victory home;
                  And flags then fluttered high in Rome.
                  His 'photo' one plain fact discloses
                  He brought in fashion Roman noses.
                  Of this great General 'tis allowed
                  The best 'Life' is by J. A. Froude.
  Boadicea        Boadicea earns our praise.
  A.D. 62         First woman leader in those days;
                  For Freedom strove all she could do,
                  'Twas lost in A.D. sixty-two.
  Agricola        Then came Agricola one day
                  And gained a battle near the Tay.
                  He started trimming up this isle,
                  And laid out roads in Roman style.
                  East, North, South, West, it's safe to say
                  His handiwork is traced to-day.
                  The Natives too were taught to know
                  By busy merchants' constant flow
                  The wisdom that great Empire held;
                  Their ignorance was thus dispelled.
  Romans left     About four hundred-ten A.D.
  A.D. 410        The Romans left sans cérémonie.
                  Can it be wondered at when Rome
                  Was needing help 'gainst Huns at home.
                  Our antiquarians often find
                  The relics which they left behind;
                  A Villa here and pavement there,
                  Coins galore and Roman ware.

[Illustration]

  Anglo-Saxons    And so we run our flippant rhymes
  A.D. 430        Right on to Anglo-Saxon times.
                  Hengist and Horsa with their men
                  Came from their Jutish pirate den,
  Jutes           And paid us visits in their ships
                  Bent on their ruthless looting trips.
                  And Angles landing in the Humber
                  Gave that district little slumber.
                  They plundered morning, noon, and night,
                  Were rough, uncouth, and impolite,
                  No 'By your leave' or 'S'il vous plait'
                  They came to rob, remained to prey.
  Horsa           Horsa was slain in four-five-five,
  455             Leaving Hengist still alive
                  To live out his allotted term,
                  Surviving partner of the Firm.
  King Arthur     Time has many a fable wound
                  About King Arthur's table round,
                  Where Knights quaffed cordials, wines and ales,
                  And told their little fairy tales.
  Augustine       About six hundred years A.D.
  597             To teach us Christianity
                  Came Augustine. Wondrous Story;
                  Canterbury's Pile his glory.
  Heptarchy       Called 'Heptarchy' the seven Saxon
  827             States each other made attacks on;
                  After four hundred years they'd striven
                  They coalesced in eight-two-seven.

[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic]

  Alfred          Of good King Alfred we've all heard
  872-901         How when hiding he incurred
                  A lady's anger for not taking
                  Care of Cakes which she was baking.
                  (Most probably she left the King
                  While she went out a-gossiping.)
                  Before he died in nine-nought-one,
                  Old England's Navy had begun.
                  He laid a tax on every town
                  To aid his fleet to gain renown.
                  He was the best of Saxon Kings
                  And did a lot of useful things;
                  Built Oxford with its noble spires
                  And mapped out England into Shires.

  Danes           In seven-eight-three first came the Danes
  783             Who caused the Saxons aches and pains.
                  They sailed right up our rivers broad,
                  Putting the natives to the sword.
  "Danegeld"      For centuries our sadly fated
  991             Towns by them were devastated.
                  Etheldred the 'Unready Toff'
                  By 'Danegeld' tries to buy them off.

[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic]

  Canute          Two hundred years the raiding Danes
  1014-1036       Came over. Then their Canute reigns.
                  We'll merely mention that he tried
                  An object lesson with the tide.
  Hardicanute     Hardicanute, sad to confess,
  1039-1041       Died from drinking to excess.
                  He couldn't conquer love of wine
                  And with him went the Danish line.

  Edward          Edward the Confessor staid
  the Confessor   The Saxon line renewed. Remade
  1041-1066       At Westminster the Abbey grand,
                  And signed the first 'Will' in this land.
                  And since his time ('tis not refuted)
                  Scores of Wills have been disputed.
                  Ah! legal quibbles such as these
                  Mean Lawyers waxing rich on fees.

  Harold          Harold last of the Saxon line
  1066            At Hastings made an effort fine
                  And lost his life--it was to be,
                  Crushed by the men of Normandy.
                  From Scandinavia they'd come,
                  And made fair Normandy their home;
  William the     Whence William spying out our shore,
  Conqueror       Oliver-Twist-like, wanted more.
  1066-1087       In ten-six-six he won the day
                  In that tough fight out Hastings way.
                  Of course, no record in our reach,
                  Depicts 'ole Bill' thus on the beach.

[Illustration]

[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

GOODE NYGHTE]

  William the     But one thing's certain. Camera men,
  Conqueror       If only they'd existed then,
  1066-1087       Would have journeyed many a mile
                  To 'snap' King William's happy smile.
                  They made him King and schoolbooks say
                  He ruled with arbitrary sway;
                  Demanding with sharp battle axes
                  Instant payment of big taxes.
  Curfew          And p'raps it's just as well to tell
                  He introduced the Curfew Bell;
                  So at the early hour of eight
                  Each doused his glim, raked out his grate.
                  In bed at eight P.M. each day
                  Life was but sombre, dull and grey;
                  No cutting fancy ball room capers,
                  No Cinemas or evening papers.
                  He was a bully it is true,
                  But to allow him his just due
                  He made reforms; he also took
                  In hand the bulky Doomsday book.

                  In William's time we're glad to write
                  People began to be polite;
                  Ladies curtseyed to their beaux,
                  Who smartly raised their gay chapeaux.
  The Jews        The Jews he introduced from Spain
                  Bringing much knowledge in their train
                  Of Arts and Science; but 'Longshanks'
                  Expelled them with no word of thanks.
  Feudalism       These were the well known Feudal days,
                  Tenants were slaves in many ways
                  To mighty Lords who owned the land
                  And ruled them with an iron hand.
                  Not free from duties were the Lords,
                  The King could call upon their swords
                  And men to fight in time of need.
                  So feudal laws of old decreed.

  William Rufus   William Rufus or the 'Red'
  1087-1100       In ten-eight-seven ruled instead;
                  This may be; but we know, alack,
                  Though he was red his deeds were black.
  Crusades        The first Crusade in ten-nine-five,
  1095            A million men, a very hive,
                  Swarm to the East, the Holy plain
                  From the Mohammedans to gain.

  Henry I.        Henry the First, of wisdom rife,
  1100-1135       Saxon Matilda makes his wife,
                  Saxon and Norman line uniting,
                  A learned chap who loved not fighting.

  Stephen         Stephen of Blois ascends the throne
  1135-115        And 'gainst Matilda holds his own;
                  Grandson of the Conqueror;
                  Died in eleven-fifty-four.

  Henry II.       Henry the Second claims our rhyme
  1154-1189       'The hardest worker of his time';
                  A wiser King we never had
                  Nor father with his sons so bad.
  Becket          This the first 'Plantagenet' King
                  With Becket strove like anything;
  Church v.       Which should be Master, Church or Crown
  Crown           Pull-King Pull-Bishop; both went down.
                  Thomas was murdered by four Knights
                  On steps of Altar--Sorry wights:
                  With bleeding feet the King atones
                  By pilgrimage to Becket's bones.
                  Despite his struggles with the Church
                  He knocked the barons off their perch,
                  Fifteen hundred Castles razing
                  In a manner quite amazing.
  Law             Trial by jury further grows;
                  The King's Court in this reign arose;
                  Our Parliaments from this proceed
                  And all our other Courts indeed.
  Linen           Linen's first used in twelve-five
                  Woollens alone in vogue before.
  Glass Windows   In eleven-eight-nought first came to pass
                  The novelty of window glass.
                  And doubtless playful little boys
                  Full of children's simple joys,
                  Cracked as our youngsters often do
                  With stones or ball a pane or two.
  Richard         Coeur de Lion from one Crusade
  Coeur de Lion   Returning was a prisoner made.
  1189-1199       But Blondel played an Air he knew,
                  The King joined in; Voilà the clue.
                  This catchy tune in a pleasant key
                  Opened the door to liberty.

[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic]

  John            And so we'll quickly journey on
  1199-1216       Until we reach the reign of John;
                  A King whose list of crimes was heavy;
                  He treated badly his young 'Nevvy'.
  Magna Charta    He signed the Magna Charta. Yes;
  1215            In twelve-fifteen, but we may guess
                  With much ill grace and many a twist;
                  For King John wrote an awful fist.
                  John loses Normandy to France
                  And by this beneficial chance
                  In England comes amalgamation;
                  Normans and Saxons form one Nation
  Robin Hood      And now we come to Robin Hood,
                  The Forest bandit of Sherwood,
                  A popular hero much belauded
                  But not by folks whom he'd defrauded.
                  There's no need to descant upon
                  His boon companion 'Little John';
                  Or 'Friar Tuck' so overblown
                  He tipped the scale at fifteen stone.

  Henry III.      And what of Henry number Three,
  1216-1272       The King who suffered poverty?
                  It's very awkward we must own
                  To be 'hard up' when on a Throne;

[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic]

                  To have to scrape up an amount
                  To pay the butcher on account,
                  Or ask a dun in Kingly way
                  To kindly call some other day.
  Coinage         In twelve-five-seven it is stated
  1257            Gold was coined and circulated,
                  Ha'pence and farthings just before;
                  In those times worth a great deal more.
  Langton         The Bible which from over seas
  Died 1228       Had no chapters and no verses
                  Was by Archbishop Langton's skill
                  Divided as we use it still.

[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic]

                  Why was it Henry III. allowed
                  At court a huge rapacious crowd
                  To drain his coffers nearly dry
                  Flattering with cajolery?

[Illustration: Alle fees in advance
Earlye closinge daye Thursdaye]

  Astrology       Many simple folk, (it's queer)
                  Used to patronise the seer
                  And pay cash down for magic spell
                  Perchance a Horoscope as well.
                  Or open wide at special rate
                  That musty tome the Book of Fate;
                  Or seek the Philtre's subtle aid
                  To win the hand of some fair maid.
                  We mus'nt miss the Troubadours
                  Who went forth on their singing tours,
                  Twanging harps and trilling lays
                  To maids of medieval days.
                  And Oh! the right good merry times
                  With Maskers, Mummers and the Mimes,
                  Hobby horses gaily prancing,
                  Bats and Bowls and Maypole dancing.
                  When folks would take a lengthy journey
                  To see the Knights at Joust or Tourney:
                  Or watch the early English 'Knuts'
                  Show their skill at Archery butts.
                  Then come gloomy History pages
                  On torture of the Middle ages;
                  The clanking fetters grim and black,
                  The thumbscrew and the awful rack,
                  The horrors of the dungeon deep
                  Beneath the moat or castle keep,
                  Rusty locks and heavy keys
                  And--let us change the subject, please.
                  First House of Commons twelve-six-five,
                  At Westminster they all arrive.
  Simon de        Simon de Montfort was the man
  Montfort        Who 'engineered' this useful plan.
  1265            And we can picture these M.P.s
                  Newly fledged and ill at ease
                  Doing their level best to try
                  To catch the embryo speaker's eye.

[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic]

  Edward I.       Edward First 'Longshanks' nicknamed
  1272-1307       For his lengthy stride far-famed.
                  Here he is in twelve-seven-two
                  Bounding along with much ado.
                  A Soldier, Statesman and a King
                  His lofty ideals picturing
                  That England, Scotland, Wales all three,
                  United should one country be.

[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic]

  First Prince    In twelve-eight-two annexes Wales;
  of Wales        Where afterwards no strife prevails.
  1282            He promised a Prince with English
                  So gave his new-born speechless son.

[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic]

  Edward I.       Next Scotland Edward tries to tackle
  1272-1307       No easy task the Scotch to shackle;
  (continued)     Wallace and Bruce resistance make,
                  The King dies ere he gains the stake.
                  In Edward's reign some author writes
                  They first used candle dips for lights;
                  And coal came in about this date
                  Mixed (as to-day) with lots of slate.

[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS]

                  So Monarchs, Barons, Dukes and Knights
                  Warmed their toes with Derby Brights;
                  But those in hovels had the smuts
                  Arising from cheap Kitchen Nuts.
  Roger Bacon     Roger Bacon (ob. twelve-nine-three)
  1293            Versed was in arts of alchemy;
                  Gunpowder's composition knew;
                  And many another chemic brew.
                  Many Mortmain Acts are passed;
                  Six centuries these efforts last
                  To stop the hungry Hierarchy
                  Devouring all the Squirearchy.
  Lollards        Lollards in thirteen-seven arose
  1307            Popish rituals to oppose;
                  John Wycliffe gives to old and young
                  The Bible in the vulgar tongue.
                  With John of Gaunt's protection strong
                  He dared to preach 'gainst cleric wrong;
                  Precursor of the Reformation
                  To liberal thought attuned the nation.

  Edward II.      Edward the Second with his minions
  1307-1327       Governs badly these dominions
                  His son a man of different mould
  Edward III.     Was Edward Three, both wise and bold.
  1327-1377       Through clinging to their French domains
                  Our Kings are French through many reigns
                  And Edward fighting in this cause
  French Wars     Commenced a hundred years of Wars.
                  A century's struggle. For our pains
                  Only Calais town remains.
                  A century after this 'twas lost,
                  In Mary's reign. Oh! what a frost.
  Weaving         In thirteen-three-one England's taught
  1331            Weaving by men from Flanders brought.
                  Ryghte goode cloth with lots of 'body'
                  The world was then not up to 'shoddy.'
                  Blanket of Bristol in this year
                  Invented blankets for our cheer;
                  And since that time its been our boast
                  Our beds have been as warm as toast.
                  Edward 'Black Prince' One-three-four-six,
                  A brave and noble warrior, 'licks'
  Crecy           The valiant French in Crecy's fray;
  1346            Cannon first used upon this day,
                  Causing panic with their rattle;
                  But the Yeomen win the battle,
                  For, flicking arrows from their bows
                  They 'filled the air as when it snows.'
                  Thereon the English Calais seize
                  And of the channel hold the keys;
                  The Spanish pirates bend the knee
                  Then Edward III's 'King of the sea.'
  Parliament      Lords and Commons from this date
  1376            Have their meetings separate,
                  The Commons first a Speaker make
                  The Chancellors the Woolsack take.
                  Ten lady members have the Lords
                  But doubtless fearful of their words,
                  Or thinking it not orthodoxy,
                  They only let them vote by proxy.
                  While Church and Barons have their squabbles
                  The House of Commons more power nobbles;
                  On laws and taxes dares speak out
                  And give the Pope the right-about.

[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

KINGE RYCHARD Ye II QUARRELINGE WITHE HYSSE PEOPLE]

  Leasing         Leasing or Farming, we are taught,
                  Was introduced 'bout twelve-nought-nought;
                  The Feudal system's weakened and
                  The Tenants 'usufruct' the land.
                  On various counts the serfs go free
                  And work for wages (Edward Three).
                  The Black Death and the foreign wars
                  In labour ranks commotion cause;
                  Strikes and craftsmen's combination
                  Then arise among the nation;
                  These movements preached by one John Ball,
                  Who, born too soon, was hanged withal.

  Richard II.     Now comes the Second Richard's reign.
  1377-1399       It is recorded very plain
                  That he was full of discontent
                  Quarrelling with his Parliament.

[Illustration: "BY MY HALIDOM I'LL NOT PAY IT"]

  Poll Tax        With his taxes super-sated
  1380            The peasants grew exasperated;
                  They threw their spades and pitchforks down
                  And marched as rebels into town.
                  Thirteen-eighty's Poll taxation
                  Puts equal tax on all the nation;
                  Lays seven thousand peasants dead;
                  Wat Tyler and Jack Straw at head.
  Præmunire       Præmunire Act is passed
                  To check the Papal Bulls at last.
  Chaucer         Chaucer the Poet this same year
                  Makes Pilgrimage to Becket's bier.

[Illustration: FORTES FORTUNA JUVAT.

IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic]

  Age of          This was the age, aye verily,
  Chivalry        Of ryghte goode noble chivalry,
                  When Knights went forth through storm and stress
                  To rescue beauty in distress.

[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic.]

                  Or sallied out in valiant way
                  A monster dragon for to slay,
                  Or with lance or trusty blade
                  Defend from harm the hapless maid.

  Henry IV.       Henry Four, called 'Bolingbroke'
  1399-1413       In Richard's wheel puts many a spoke;
                  Compels him to resign the throne
                  Which thereupon he makes his own.
                  Through John of Gaunt, Lancastrian famed,
                  His title to the crown he claimed;
                  The Parliament confirms his right
                  And thus he's king without a fight.
                  In this reign persecution's turned
  Lollards        Against the Lollards--Cobham's burned.
  1401            Incredible! The records show
                  A statute 'de Comburondo.'

  Henry V.        From fourteen-thirteen, Henry Five,
  1413-1422       For many years with France did strive;
                  His Widow founds the Tudor House
                  By taking Owen for her spouse.

  Henry VI.       Henry Six, next in our rhymes,
  1422-1461       For fifty years had troublous times;
                  Wars of Roses, Wars with France,
                  The poor man never had a chance.
  Joan of Arc     Joan of Arc the peasant Maid
  1430            Inspired the French with Mystic aid;
                  Disunited, we make peace,
                  All France but Calais we release.
  Constantinople  Constantinople's seized by Turks
  1453            Causing Greek Scholars (with their works)
                  To fly to Italy; and thence
                  Learning's reborn--'The Renaissance.'

  Edward IV.      In Edward Fourth, fourteen-six-one
  1461-1483       The House of York obtains the Throne.
                  He wins at Towton's bloody fray,
                  No quarter given on that day.
                  Guy, Earl of Warwick in these frays
                  Was always turning different ways;
  Barnet          On Barnet Field he met his doom
  1471            The Rose of York's now well abloom.
                  The Barons, Church and Commons fall,
                  The King emerges Boss of all.
                  Benevolences he exacts,
                  An early form of Super Tax.
  Earl of         'Kingmaker' was Earl Warwick styled
  Warwick         With his manner scarcely mild
                  He set Kings up and bowled them down
                  Playing at ninepins with the Crown.

[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic]

  Wars of Roses   White and Red Rose warring madly
  1485            Bled the country very sadly,
                  Three-and-thirty years contending;
                  At Bosworth Field we see the ending.
  Printing        First in fourteen-seventy-three
  1473            We print from type in this Countree.
                  Now it is that time's first measured
                  By monster watches greatly treasured.
                  Thomas Parr this centurie
                  His hundred-fifty years did see;
                  But Henry Jenkins, so 'tis said,
                  In age was seventeen years ahead.
                  Hoary patriarchs were these
                  Retaining p'raps their faculties;
                  What a comfort 'tis to mention
                  Neither drew the old age pension.

[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

Ye Bookeworme Burninge ye Midnyghte Oile]

                  Printing started through the Nation
                  A taste for higher education;
                  Here is a citizen at home;
                  Note his very brainy Dome.

  Richard III.    Richard (Crookback) in fateful hour
  1483-1485       Smothered his nephews in the Tower,
                  He murdered them the Crown to gain;
                  A heavy price for three years' reign.
                  The Scutcheon's blotted terribly
                  Of this King Richard number Three,
                  For it seems his recreation
                  Was ordering decapitation.
  1485            On Bosworth Field when sorely pressed
                  He made a bid th'uncommonest
                  'My kingdom for a horse' he cried;
                  No offers coming, there he died.

  Henry VII.      Lancastrian Richmond wins the fight
  1485-1509       And to make his title right
                  Elizabeth of York espouses,
                  Thus uniting the two Houses.
                  This Henry Seven of Tudor line
                  To misers' habits did incline;
                  Twelve millions stated to possess,
                  A tidy little fortune! Yes!
  Star Chamber    Much he managed to extort
                  By means of a Star Chamber Court
                  From the rich nobles; A new wile
                  For adding to the kingly pile.
                  With cash in hand he could attain
                  His wish as Autocrat to reign;
                  As sole possessor of the guns
                  The King no risk from rebels runs.

[Illustration: SKYSCRAPE FLATS TO BE ERECTED HERE

BUY HUSTLES CHEWING GUM

FIFTH AVENUE

IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic]

  Columbus        Columbus, full of travellers' lore,
  1498            By going West sought India's shore;
                  But found America's wondrous land;
                  His 'exes' paid by Ferdinand.
                  Of voyagers we've now a lot
                  Vasco da Gama and Cabot,
                  Who sailed from Bristol, whence it grew
                  Bristolians claim this fine cuckoo.

[Illustration: Henry VIII Pops the Question]

  Henry VIII.     Now Henry Eight comes on the screen,
  1509-1547       A stalwart youth, ætat. eighteen;
                  With youthful hope the nation's buoyed;
                  Only, alas! to be destroyed.

[Illustration: Henry ye eighth Thynkynge offe ye Past]

  Henry VIII.     This King Henry number Eight
  1509-1547       Six times tried the married state;
  (continued)     And certainly of all the Kings
                  Spent the most on wedding rings.
                  But to search through old Archives
                  For tales of Henry and his wives
                  And all their little tiffs to trace
                  We cannot spare the time or space.
                  Yet there are some who fain would sing
                  The praises of this rotund King;
                  But as a husband we're afraid
                  His category's lowest grade.
                  He wielded harsh the despot's power,
                  And packed his wives off to the Tower;
                  Consigned them to a fate most dreaded;
                  Two, alas! he had beheaded.

[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

_HAIL NOW TO THEE OUR GOOD QUEEN BESS!_]

  Henry VIII.
  (continued)

  Reformation     Martin Luther, fifteen-one-seven,
  1517            Sows his Reformation leaven;
                  It finds a culture medium here
                  In the 'New Learning's' atmosphere.
                  Of this New Learning More's the chief,
                  Utopia's Author, He's 'mid grief
                  Beheaded, saying cool and calm,
                  'Cut not my beard, that's done no harm.'
                  His friend Erasmus, Logic's Master,
                  Trimmed his sails and 'scaped disaster.
                  A third, Dean Colet who St. Paul's
                  School London into being calls.
  Wolsey          In fifteen-thirty Wolsey great,
  1530            A Cardinal and Man of State,
                  From Butcher's son had risen high.
                  Reader! consult your Shakespeare nigh.
                  Blamed by some; by others praised;
                  He fell; but still the pile he raised
                  Most nobly graces Hampton Court.
                  Give Wolsey then a tender thought.
                  His main ambition that the King
                  Should be supreme in everything;
  Thomas          And Thomas Cromwell followed suit
  Cromwell        To make his master absolute
                  Head of the Church within his realm.
                  These two most able at the helm;
                  But not with skill enough endued
                  To 'scape their King's ingratitude.
                  Despotical the King's power grew.
                  He's England's Pope by Act of Su-
                  Premacy; as, to gain divorce,
                  The foreign Pope is banned perforce.
  1537            Now Bluff King Harry gives the Monks
                  A series of most awful funks;
                  Three thousand odd of their domains
                  He 'collars' for his Courtiers' gains.

  Edward VI.      Edward Six to the throne succeeds
  1547-1553       A pious youth of goodly deeds;
                  One, well known in the Capital,
                  The Blue Coat School (Christ's Hospital).

  Mary            Queen Mary One, in Smithfield Square,
  1553-1558       At Oxford, Gloucester and elsewhere,
                  Burned poor Martyrs by the score;
                  The Romish faith she would restore.

  Elizabeth       Hail now to thee our good Queen Bess,
  1558-1603       Garbed in the puffed and padded dress,
                  Farthingale and starched up frills,
                  Meaning heavy laundry bills.
                  Od's Bodikins; what monstrous ruffs,
                  What gowns of rich embroidered stuffs
                  Piped and scolloped, trimmed with furs,
                  And shaped like huge gasometers.
                  Now we've warfare of the Creeds,
                  For their thoughts all Europe bleeds;
                  Each party seeks by force to make
                  The other side its faith forsake.
                  Spain the Great Power of those days
                  In these contentions first part plays.

[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

PLYMOUTH HOE BOWLING CLUB]

  Drake           Drake at bowls on Plymouth Hoe
                  Left his game to meet this foe
                  And came home laden we are told
                  With seachests full of Spanish gold.
  Armada          In fifteen-eight-eight Armada strong
  1588            From Spain to squash us comes along;
                  Which Howard, Frobisher and Drake
                  And stormy weather overtake.

[Illustration: GLOBE THEATRE TONYGHTE
Ye TRAGEDYE OFFE HAMLETTE
BY WILLIAM SHAKSPERE.

IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic]

  Shakespeare     And in these epoch making days
  1564-1616       Shakespeare wrote and staged his plays;
                  Weaving a thread whose magic strands
                  Entwine all English-speaking lands.
                  Fifteen-eight-seven Scots' Queen Mary
                  Lost her head through fate contrary.
                  When Henry Eight had robbed the Church
                  'Twas found the poor were in the lurch;
  Poor Law        A law was passed about this date
                  To place the poor upon the rate.

[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic]

  Sir Walter      Sir Walter Raleigh, best of Knights,
  Raleigh         The first to taste the keen delights
  1552-1618       Of the enchantress so serene,
                  The Ryghte Goode Ladye Nicotine.
                  No information's yet to hand
                  Concerning Raleigh's favourite brand;
  Tobacco         Was it coarse-cut shag which burns
                  The tongue, or birdseye or returns?

[Illustration]

  Queen           Good Queen Bess we understand
  Elizabeth       Had crowds of suitors for her hand;
                  And here we beg to give a view
                  Of suitors waiting in a queue.

[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic]

  Queen           As time rolled on this Good Queen Bess
  Elizabeth       Lost somewhat of her sprightliness;
  (continued)     She got into a nervous state
                  Was mopish and disconsolate.
                  Now, as everyone will own,
                  Had 'Iron Jelloids' been but known
                  In Bess's time; why, it's conceded
                  'Twas just the Tonic that she needed.
  East India      The great 'John Comp'ny' now began
  Company         Its fine career without a plan.
  1600            Great! The Elizabethan Age.
                  In History's book a glorious page.

[Illustration]

                  Somewhere or other we've heard snuff
                  Came in the days of frill and ruff;
                  And here's a noble ill at ease
                  Giving the first recorded sneeze.

  James I.        James Six of Scotland, miscalled a 'fule'
  1603-1625       As James One of England comes to rule.
                  Gramercy! 'tis a canny thing
                  To be a 'double-barrelled' King.
                  The son of Mary Queen of Scots
                  Of learning he had lots and lots,
                  Writing sundry ponderous books
                  'Gainst 'bacca, witches and their spooks.
                  James thought his kingly power divine
                  And, loathing Puritanic 'whine,'
                  He vowed to make them all comply
                  Or else he'd 'know the reason why.'
  Pilgrim Fathers His persecution to escape
  1620            Some Zealots in the 'Mayflower' shape
                  Their course for an uncharted world
                  Where Freedom's Flag could be unfurled.
                  These 'Pilgrim Fathers' found a state
                  'New England,' blessed with happy fate.
                  Folks have called the first King James
                  Most uncomplimentary names;
                  To wit 'a sloven' and 'a glutton';
                  Perhaps his weakness was Scotch Mutton.
                  And as to gluttony, 'Gadzooks'!
                  If what we read in History books
                  Is true, they all were trenchermen;
                  There were no diet faddists then.
                  It startles us, one must declare,
                  To read their breakfast bill of fare;
                  All 'Kynes' of ale, some highly spiced
                  And divers meats, roast, boiled and sliced.
                  In James' reign a man could get
                  For money down a coronet
                  And titles with the greatest ease
                  Like folks to-day buy soap and cheese.
  Harvey          Yet a learned time; for Harvey shows
                  That blood's not stagnant, but it flows;
  Lord Bacon      'Experiment!' Lord Bacon cries
                  'There is no progress otherwise.'

[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

MODEL OF THE NOTORIOUS GUY FAWKES
WHICH HOWEVER IS NOT CONSIDERED
HISTORICALLY ACCURATE]

  5th November    Of troubles James had quite a lot,
  1605            For instance the Gunpowder Plot.
                  It fizzled out but left to-day
                  A liking for Firework display.

[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

THE FIRST CRACKER]

                  So rockets with their sweeping curves,
                  Crackers which upset the nerves
                  And squibs with their infernal din
                  To this date owe their origin.

  Charles I.      His son Charles One we understand
  1625-1649       Ruled England with a grasping hand;
                  For he was never loth to levy
                  Taxes burdensome and heavy.
                  He moved in an expensive set,
                  Was always heavily in debt;
                  In fact this monarch with his frills
                  Was snowed up to the neck with bills.
                  He was courtly, graceful, distingué,
                  And when the scaffold came his way
                  'He nothing common did or mean
                  Upon that memorable scene.'
                  He had a very taking way
                  And made his taxed up subjects pay;
                  And over taxing it is said
                  This Monarch fairly lost his head.
  Petition of     The 'Petition of Right' a famous Act,
  Right--1628     The Commons from the King exact;
                  Giving the subject on his own
                  A remedy against the throne.
  First           In sixteen-hundred-twenty-one
  Newspaper       Our first news-sheet began its run;
  1621            For twenty years 'twas going strong
                  Then the first Censor came along.
                  This journal cribbing from the Dutch
                  Lacked the smart journalistic touch;
                  And also photographic views,
                  'Sporting pars' and 'Stop-press News.'

[Illustration: The Great Struggle in Charles' Time.
King Trying to get Money from Taxpayer.
Creditor Trying to get Money from King]

[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

_THAT QUIET MAN, KNOWN AS THE EARLY PURITAN._]

  Cotton          Cotton first came from India's shore
  1630            In sixteen-thirty, less or more;
                  Where for three thousand years it grew,
                  Also in Egypt and Peru.
                  Grim reading is the note confessing
                  Gangs went out for Navy pressing,
                  Forcing many a timid knave
                  To spend his life on ocean wave.
  Ship Money      Charles raises the ship money tax;
  1636            He thought he only had to 'ax';
                  When Hampden strenuously objected,
                  The King was very much affected.
  Strafford       Earl Strafford ('Thorough') in his pride
  1641            'The King shall rule the Commons' cried;
                  The Commons would not brook such stuff
                  And cut his head off. 'Quantum Suff.'
                  The 'Grand Remonstrance' is put forth
                  By the Commons who are wrath
                  With the King's despotic ways
                  Quite unsuited to these days.
                  The King tries hard to put in jail
                  Five Members but without avail;
                  Hollis, Strode, Haslerig and Pym
                  And Hampden (we must mention him);
                  They're guarded from the Royal hands
                  By Watermen and City Bands.
                  The 'die is cast' and Civil War
                  For seven long years the Nation tore.

  Civil Wars      Cromwell greatest of the foemen
  1642-1648       With his faithful English Yeomen;
                  These 'Roundheads' sober, grim, religious
                  To 'Cavaliers' gave blows prodigious.
                  Their character's seen in the cry
                  'Trust God and keep your powder dry.'
  Naseby          The Cavaliers and Roundheads fought
  1645            In many a field, 'till Naseby brought
                  To Generals Cromwell and Fairfax
                  A crowning victory, though not 'pax.'
                  The King's beheaded, but the State
                  Experiences no headless fate;
                  A commonwealth's forthwith proclaimed
                  And Cromwell's soon Protector named.
  Dunbar          In sixteen-fifty Dunbar sees
  1650            The Royal Scots brought to their knees;
  Worcester       And in the second Worcester fight
  1651            Cromwell for good asserts his might.
                  And there are those who love to tell
                  About that day at Boscobel
                  When Charles the Second's Majestye
                  Found itself doubly 'up a tree.'
                  And now we meet that quiet man
                  Known as the early Puritan;
                  Mild and placid in his talk,
                  Calm and measured in his walk.

[Illustration: "PAINT ME WARTS AND ALL"

IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic]

  Commonwealth    Oliver Cromwell bluff and bold,
  1649-1660       Was cast in Nature's sternest mould,
                  Lacking maybe the courtly grace
                  And proud of warts upon his face.
                  He fought the Irish and the Scotch
                  And with his navy beat the Dutch
                  Let all his faults condonéd be,
                  He kept us up on land and sea.

[Illustration: "TAKE AWAY THAT BAUBLE"

IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic]

  Commonwealth    He seemed to like bold argument
  (continued)     And wordy wars with Parliament;
                  He made things lively we infer
                  Frequently at Westminster.

[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic]

                  With M.P.s he had many a bout
                  And one day cleared the whole lot out;
                  Locked the door and took the key;
                  Those not the days of 'Wait and See.'

  Charles II.     Cromwell's death brings Restoration
  1660-1685       And Charles Two lands 'mid acclamation.
                  After his leaps from twig to twig
                  He now has 'Otium cum Dig.'
                  In merry Charles the Second's age
                  Woman first acted on the stage;
                  The King encouraged much this vogue
                  He was a pleasure seeking rogue.
                  'He never said a foolish thing,
                  Nor did a wise one'; this the King
                  Countered with 'My words my own
                  My acts my ministers' alone';
  1662            In sixteen-six-two year of grace,
                  Charles taxed every fire-place;
                  And citizens who couldn't pay
                  Shivered and grumbled as to-day.
                  These were the times of Musketeers
                  And proud and dashing Cavaliers;
                  When words were few and tempers hot
                  And duels fought out on the spot.

  John Bunyan     The tinker preacher Bunyan wrote
                  The 'Pilgrim's Progress' we still quote,
                  The prison bars no barrier wrought
                  To lowly Bunyan's lofty thought.
  Milton          In stately language Milton's muse
  1678            The Bible story doth diffuse;
                  From 'Paradise Lost' we get our view
                  Of Adam and Eve and Satan too.
                  The Reverend Titus Oates, a scamp,
                  Egregious Popish plots did vamp,
                  Lied roundly for dishonest gains,
                  Got Cat-o'-nine-tails for his pains.
  Habeas Corpus   The 'Habeas Corpus' best of laws
  1679            Shields us from prison without cause;
                  'Twas passed in sixteen-seventy-nine,
                  And means 'Produce him here,' in fine.
  Van Tromp       Admiral Van Tromp, Dutchman bold,
                  With broom at masthead, so 'tis told,
                  The Channel sailed, suggesting he's
                  Swept all the English from the seas.
  Blake           But Blake laughed loud and spread his sails
                  Nought the Dutchman now avails;
                  For he got an awful shocker
                  Right to Davy Jones' locker.
                  But though the Dutch failed to invade,
                  They were not disinclined to trade;
                  So we get 'Hollands,' cheese and hams
                  Fresh from the land of Dykes and Dams.
  Peace of Breda  For fifteen years these Navies fought,
  1667            'Till sixteen-six-seven respite brought;
                  The Peace of Breda then succeeded;
                  New York to England was conceded.
  Plague          In sixty-five the Plague appears
  Fire of London  And then the Fire; two awful years
  1665-1666       For London--And if more you'd know
                  Consult the Pages of Defoe.

[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

_QUEEN ANNE AND THE DUKE OF MARLBOROUGH._]

  James II.       When Charles Two died his brother James
  1685-1688       Soon put the country into flames;
                  Papistry he would advance,
                  And for that purpose leagued with France.
                  In sixteen-eight-eight his bigot zeal
                  Religious Test Act would repeal;
                  Seven bold Bishops who defied
                  To the Tower were sent and tried.
                  The country raised a hue and cry
                  So off to France the King doth fly.

  William III.    His place is filled by William Three
  1689-1702       His son-in-law from Dutch countree.
                  This Orange sprig most brave of men
                  With Mary reigns and all things then
                  Went well with us. Macaulay's page
                  Hails him as Hero of the age.
                  In this reign of William Three,
                  Laws were harsh 'gainst burglary;
                  For they'd a very drastic way
                  And hanged the 'Bill Sykes' of that day.
  National Debt   In sixteen-nine-four we have heard
  1694            The National Debt was first incurred;
                  To careful folk who would invest
                  'Twas not devoid of interest.
                  Another National Debt we owe
                  To Iron Jelloids which the foe
                  Depression's worries keep at bay
                  And drive our nervous fears away.
  Bill of Rights  The 'Bill of Rights,' a Charter grand,
  1689            In sixteen-eight-nine frees this land
                  From all encroachments of the Crown
                  Hoi Polloi are no longer down.

  Queen Anne      Good Queen Anne we know is dead;
  1702-1714       She reigned twelve years but it is said
                  'Mrs. Morley,' Marlborough's wife
                  Ruled her more than half her life.
  Marlborough     This was the Duke of Marlborough's day,
                  Who beat the French in every fray;
                  Known for his famous victories
                  At Blenheim and at Ramillies.
                  In seventeen-seven by statute passed
                  English and Scotch unite at last;
                  'One coinage and one Parliament'
                  Both Nations ever since content.
                  About this time, so runs the story,
                  Much is heard of 'Whig and Tory';
                  And shortly after there was rife
                  Many a sign of party strife.
  Dr. Watts       Good Dr. Watts' moral lays
  1674-1748       Were much reputed in these days;
                  And still we lisp at Mother's knee
                  'How doth the little Busy Bee.'
  Pope            Pope, letter-writer and great poet,
  1688-1744       Most quotable of all (ye know it),
                  At Twickenham penned his caustic verse
                  Epigrammatic, smooth and terse.

  George I.       The House of Stuart being ended,
  1714-1727       George of Hanover (descended
                  From daughter of King Jamie One)
                  Comes over to ascend our throne.
                  Of English George knew not a word,
                  Most awkward, not to say absurd,
                  At Cabinet Councils to preside;
                  So from this time the practice died.

  George II.      His son George Two succeeding then
  1727-1760       In person fought at Dettingen.
                  Both these Kings had various fights
                  In Scotland with the Jacobites.
                  William Tull brings in Post Chaises;
                  Now the people ride like 'blazes.';
                  Many can't for they're in trouble,
                  Ruined by the South Sea Bubble.
  Wesleys         John and Charles Wesley, men of mind,
  1703-1791       Revive Religion in Mankind.
                  Founding a Church both broad and low,
                  One-seven-three-nought A. Domini.
                  Beginning as an office clerk,
  Clive           As soldier Clive soon made his mark,
  1746            And conquered India for this Nation;
                  Self 'stounded at his moderation.
                  Bridgwater, Gilbert, Brindley, three
                  Great Engineers this Centurie,
  Canals          Useful canals in England made,
                  The flowing arteries of trade.
  Quebec          General Wolfe seventeen-five-nine
  1759            Captures Quebec--a victory fine,
                  And Canada's the splendid prize
                  For old 'John Bull' to colonise.

  George III.     And now of Georgey number Three:
  1760-1820       Ut mulus obstinatus he
                  Had full sixty years of reign
                  And a big family to train.

[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

_GEORGIAN TIMES._]

  Georgian        We will but very lightly scan
  Times           The customs known as 'Georgian';
                  The times of powdered Belles and Beaux;
                  Patches, paint and furbelows;
                  Of beauteous maids and gallants gay
                  And merry routs at Ranelagh;
                  Gaming parties, cards or pool
                  And 'Fops' of the Beau Brummel School.

[Illustration: "ODDS FAITH THEY SAY THERE'S IRON IN IT"

IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic]

                  When rank and fashion History tells
                  All took their cures among the Wells;
                  And sipped in manner hesitating
                  Daily doses nauseating.
                  But we know better how to act
                  Our cures we purchase more compact
                  For in the Chemists' you can see
                  'Iron Jelloids' priced at 'One and Three.'
                  Lord 'Periwig' and gay 'Fallal'
                  In Sedan Chairs frequent the Mall.
                  'Taxis' and 'Tubes' we beg to state
                  Came in at a much later date.
                  When Brummel, the historic Beau,
                  Made laws for dress and outward show;
                  Whose vests were poems, whose coats were dreams
                  Of gorgeous beauty, so it seems;
                  Who figured in the public gaze
                  A 'Star turn' with his courtly ways;
                  Who fixed the style of a cravat,
                  Lord of Appeal anent a hat.
                  And My Lord Chesterfield was quite
                  The model of the most polite
                  Wrote famous letters. It's a shame,
                  A settee has usurped his name.
  Dr. Johnson     And Dr. Johnson at his ease
  1709-1784       Sipped his tea at the 'Cheshire Cheese,'
                  Or at the 'Mitre' of renown,
                  Spreading his wit throughout the Town.
  Garrick         When Garrick as the 'Moody Dane'
                  Drew the Town to Drury Lane,
  Mrs. Siddons    Sarah Siddons was all the rage
                  Tragedy Queen of every age.
                  Highwaymen arméd to the teeth
                  Waited for prey on Hounslow Heath;
                  Per contra the Highwayman's pate
                  Was oft strung up at Tyburn Gate.
  Capt. Cook      It's only right a History book
  1728-1779       Should mark the feats of Captain Cook;
                  So jot it down in these our Rhymes
                  That round the World he sailed three times.
  Inventions      These are the days of much invention
  1767            The 'Spinning Jenny' we will mention;
                  The 'Cotton Mule' and 'Power Loom';
                  For Authors' names there's lack of room.
  Adam Smith      In his book 'The Wealth of Nations'
  1766            Adam Smith shows the relations
                  Governing the Art of Trading;
                  With influences far pervading.
                  'Man buys as cheaply as he can
                  And sells as dearly, that's his plan.'
                  'Supply Demand each other feed
                  Dearer markets cheap ones bleed.'
  Jenner          Jenner brings in vaccination,
  1796            Boon to every generation;
                  By similar methods now devised
                  Many an ill is exorcised.

[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

_NELSON AND WELLINGTON._]

  American War    In seventeen-sixty and fifteen
  1775            Our Taxes raise the Yankees' spleen.
                  'Unrepresented, you've no right
                  To tax us, therefore we will fight.'
                  Washington, Franklin and the rest
                  Formed a Republic quite the best;
                  We've long been friends. Let us rejoice;
                  But at the time we had no choice.

  French          In France in times of Louis Seize (says)
  Revolution      Oppression dire through countless days
                  Roused Revolution with its tears
                  Mainly through books with wrong ideas.
  Napoleon I.     From Revolution's putrid mess
  1793-1815       A Conqueror's born, quite conscienceless,
                  Millions of men and women died
                  Victims to Napoleon's pride.
                  He plunged all Europe into Wars
                  His own ambition the sole cause.
                  England as usual did her 'bit'
                  And 'Boney' Europe had to quit.
                  During these years of storm and stress
                  Two noble pilots we possess
                  'Chatham and Son' (Pitt is their name),
                  Illustrious on the scroll of fame.
  Nelson 1805     Here we must our homage pay
                  To Nelson of Trafalgar Day;
  Wellington      To Wellington the same is due,
                  Who crowned his fame at Waterloo.

[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic]

                  And 'Shiver my timbers,' 'Heave ahoy,'
                  The Tar, those times a breezy boy
                  With shiny hat and pigtail long
                  And love for lass and glass and song.
  Discovery of    About this date Electric Force
  Electric Force  Dawns on mankind. Before, of course,
                  In Lightning it was all about,
                  With noise enough to be found out.
                  Coelo eripuit fulmen,
                  'Twas said of Franklin, as ye ken.
                  Philosopher of bygone age
                  Accept our homage on this page.
                  But who'd have thought it that Galvani
                  When making soup, (this is no blarney)
                  By his power of observation
                  On a frog's legs' oscillation
                  Should find how by chemic ways
                  Electric currents we can raise?
                  To call him 'great' is no flattery;
                  He set us on the wondrous battery.
                  This simple little frog, Heigh Ho!
                  The frog who would a-wooing go;
                  Thy part in electricity
                  Is unmatched eccentricity.
                  This new discovered fact, of course,
                  Leads to the Telegraph of Morse,
                  The Motor and Electric Light
                  The Telephone and more in sight.

[Illustration: _IN QUEEN VICTORIA'S PALMY DAYS._]

  Ireland         Of Ireland but a word or two.
                  Celts were her people and they knew
                  Not benefit of Roman Ruling;
                  Young Europa's Infant Schooling.
                  In century five St. Patrick great
                  Converts them to the Christian state;
                  And from this Western Isle afar,
                  English and Scotch converted are.
  Danes and       Two hundred years from nine-nought-nought
  Ireland         Danes raiding Erin trouble brought;
                  And left them in chaotic state
                  No longer masters of their fate.
                  In those days 'twas 'Woe to the weak,'
                  Saxons and Danes had made us squeak,
                  Then came the Normans in great force
                  And civilised us in due course.
                  They tried the same with Ireland green;
                  But only sowed a feud between
                  The land they'd conquered and Erin,
                  Leading to endless quarrelling.
                  England accepts the Reformation,
                  Catholic still the Irish nation
  Cromwell        Sees Cromwell with them battle join
  Boyne           And William beat them at the Boyne.
                  William Pitt in eighteen-nought-nought
                  Ireland and England's welfare sought
  Act of Union    By 'Act of Union' which he passed;
  1800            But still the wretched squabbles last.

  George IV.      Now come George Four and Will his brother;
  William IV.     With these two kings we need not bother;
                  The first a gourmand, bon viveur,
                  The next a sailor, bluff, sans peur.
                  Trevithick, Newcomen, and Watt
                  Are names will never be forgot;
                  For their crude engines were the source
                  Of man's control of Steam's wild force.
  Steam           By eighteen-thirty man has tamed
  1830            Steam to his use; and widely famed
                  Was puffing 'Rocket' with the power
                  Of doing thirty miles an hour.
                  Steam prompts man to make machines
                  And Factories rise with all that means;
                  Divided more and more is labour
                  Each man leans more on his neighbour.
                  For twenty million pounds the nation
                  Buys our slaves' emancipation.
  Reform Act      In eighteen-three-two, happy year,
                  The great Reform Act doth appear.
                  Steam vessels the Atlantic cross.
                  The penny post comes into force.
                  And double knocks bring joys and thrills
                  Sometimes cheques, more often bills.
  Corn Law        The Corn Law duty's brushed away,
  Repeal 18       Hence we enjoy cheap bread to-day.

                  We fain would linger, but alas,
                  These are the periods we must pass.
                  So gentle reader do not grin
                  At sight of cumbrous crinoline.
  Victoria        Since Queen Victoria's palmy days
  1837-1901       Woman has altered all her ways.
                  In those days she was meek and mild
                  And treated almost like a child;
                  Was brought up in a narrow zone;
                  And couldn't call her soul her own.
                  She vegetated, 'tis well known
                  Under the 'cloche' of Chaperone.
  Woman's         But now the 'Franchise' she obtains,
  Status          And her own property retains.
                  What a difference from then,
                  She 'carries on' just like the men.
                  And now at Westminster we see
                  A lady sitting as M.P.

  Darwin          Charles Darwin offers us a Key
  1809-1882       To help unlock the mystery
                  Of Evolution's wondrous span
                  From Protoplasm up to Man.
  Livingstone     The traveller, great Scotch Livingstone,
  1813-1873       Wandered o'er Afric's trackless Zone;
                  Where no white man had ever trod
                  Teaching the blacks the Word of God.
  Crimean War     English, French and Turks unite
                  'Gainst Russia in Crimean fight.
  Indian Mutiny   The Indian Mutiny now arose,
                  'Fat' was the cause that led to blows.
  Atlantic Cable  With efforts many men most able
                  Lay the great Atlantic Cable.
  Suez Canal      Lesseps unites for you and me
                  The Medit'ranean and Red Sea.
  Education Act   The Education Act proposes
                  To make us all as wise as Moses;
                  In eighteen-seven-nought it passed,
                  But each is learning to the last.
  Ballot Act      A couple of years from this we note
  1872            The Ballot Act gives secret vote;
                  Before this Act, e'en since we fear,
                  Folks sold their votes for draughts of beer.

[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic

_WOMEN TOOK TO SPADE AND HOE._]

  Edward VII.     Edward Seven, 'Peacemaker' named,
  1901-1910       His efforts to this end far famed.
                  We know it was no idle chance
                  His 'Entente cordiale' with France.
                  True friendship and the peace we want
                  The outcome of this grand Entente.
                  Though not accented in our rhyme
                  We've been fighting all the time;
                  And it's a fact which must be stated
                  Our chief opponent (so 'twas fated)
  Wars with       Our nearest neighbour o'er the Sea
  France          Whose 'No' is 'Non'; whose 'Yes' is 'Oui';
                  Like two schoolboys always sparring
                  Eight hundred years together warring;
                  From Hastings unto Waterloo
                  We'd battles with the brave 'Mossoo.'
                  Now Honi soit qui still y pense;
                  Hurrah for England! Vive la France!


                  And here we come to end our rhymes
                  We've reached the present stirring times,
                  When one and all lent helping hand
                  To keep secure the Motherland.
                  When men went forth to fight the foe
                  And women took to spade and hoe,
                  And donning smocks of nattiest styles,
                  Worked on the land for Farmer Giles.
                  Now three cheers for the dainty maids,
                  Government clerks of different grades;

[Illustration]

                  Nor are we likely to forget
                  Our debt to the Munitionette.
  The             We seem to have subdued the Hun
  Present Time    And so farewell (our task is done)
                  To Anzacs-Indians-Poilus-Yanks--
                  Italians-Belgians-Japs-and-Tanks.

[Illustration]



Concerning
MEN and TONICS

_by the late
DR. ANDREW WILSON._


_"Many a man feels so thoroughly out of sorts, and thinks himself so
dreadfully ill, that he is rather surprised when the doctor tells him
there is not really anything seriously the matter with him at all; that
he just needs a tonic, and should put the brake on as regards work,
worry, or late hours._

_"It is this 'run-down-ness,' 'out-of-sorts-ness,' 'below-par-ness,'
which lead to all kinds of fanciful fears, such as having Brain Fag,
Neurasthenia, and other conditions startling by name at least._

_"Now I have found the form of Iron Jelloids put up with Quinine (called
Iron Jelloids No. 2A), to be an excellent Tonic in all such cases. When
a man or youth feels out-of-sorts, and is not so ill as to require
medical advice, he cannot do better than try a Fortnight's Treatment of
Iron Jelloids No. 2A, as a suitable and effective remedy._

    _For DEBILITY, WEAKNESS and NERVINESS, Men find the Ideal Tonic
    and Restorative in Iron Jelloids No. 2A._

    _For ANÆMIA in Men and Women (shown by breathlessness on slight
    exertion, pallor, depression and weakness) Doctors have for many
    years prescribed the well-known Iron Jelloids No. 2.--there is
    nothing better._


_A Ten Days Treatment (price 1/3) will convince you._

_Mr. J. R. PENNINGTON, Chemist, late of Worksop, writes:--"I always
handle Iron Jelloids with pleasure as my customers are invariably
satisfied with them."_

[Illustration: IRON 'JELLOIDS'
(_Pronounced Jell-Lloyds._)]


  Reliable Tonic for Men            IRON JELLOIDS No. 2A.
  For Anæmia in Men & Women         IRON JELLOIDS No. 2.
  For Growing Children              IRON JELLOIDS No. 1.

_Of all Chemists. A Ten Days Treatment 1/3. Large size 3/-_


_Manufactured by The Iron Jelloid Co., Ltd., 189, Central Street,
London, E.C.1. England._



[Illustration: IRON JELLOIDS The Great Tonic]



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    | Transcriber's Note                                           |
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    | Details of minor typographical corrections and retained      |
    | mis-spellings are provided in the source of the associated   |
    | html version.                                                |
    |                                                              |
    +--------------------------------------------------------------+





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