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Title: The Innocents - A Story for Lovers
Author: Lewis, Sinclair, 1885-1951
Language: English
As this book started as an ASCII text book there are no pictures available.
Copyright Status: Not copyrighted in the United States. If you live elsewhere check the laws of your country before downloading this ebook. See comments about copyright issues at end of book.

*** Start of this Doctrine Publishing Corporation Digital Book "The Innocents - A Story for Lovers" ***

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      THE JOB

    [ESTABLISHED 1817]

[Illustration: THE INNOCENTS]







    Copyright, 1917, by Harper & Brothers
    Printed in the United States of America
    Published October, 1917


If this were a ponderous work of realism, such as the author has
attempted to write, and will doubtless essay again, it would be perilous
to dedicate it to the splendid assembly of young British writers, lest
the critics search for Influences and Imitations. But since this is a
flagrant excursion, a tale for people who still read Dickens and clip
out spring poetry and love old people and children, it may safely
confess the writer's strident admiration for Compton Mackenzie, Hugh
Walpole, Oliver Onions, D. H. Lawrence, J. D. Beresford, Gilbert Cannan,
Patrick MacGill, and their peers, whose novels are the histories of our
contemporaneous Golden Age. Nor may these be mentioned without a yet
more enthusiastic tribute to their master and teacher (he probably
abominates being called either a master or a teacher), H. G. Wells.



Mr. and Mrs. Seth Appleby were almost old. They called each other
"Father" and "Mother." But frequently they were guilty of holding hands,
or of cuddling together in corners, and Father was a person of stubborn
youthfulness. For something over forty years Mother had been trying to
make him stop smoking, yet every time her back was turned he would sneak
out his amber cigarette-holder and puff a cheap cigarette, winking at
the shocked crochet tidy on the patent rocker. Mother sniffed at him and
said that he acted like a young smart Aleck, but he would merely grin in
answer and coax her out for a walk.

As they paraded, the sun shone through the fuzzy, silver hair that
puffed out round Father's crab-apple face, and an echo of delicate
silver was on Mother's rose-leaf cheeks.

They were rustic as a meadow-ringed orchard, yet Father and Mother had
been born in New York City, and there lived for more than sixty years.
Father was a perfectly able clerk in Pilkings's shoe-store on Sixth
Avenue, and Pilkings was so much older than Father that he still called
him, "Hey you, Seth!" and still gave him advice about handling lady
customers. For three or four years, some ten years back, Father and Mr.
Pilkings had displayed ill-feeling over the passing of the amiable
elastic-sided Congress shoe. But that was practically forgotten, and
Father began to feel fairly certain of his job.

There are three sorts of native New-Yorkers: East Side Jews and
Italians, who will own the city; the sons of families that are so rich
that they swear off taxes; and the people, descendants of shopkeepers
and clerks, who often look like New-Englanders, and always listen with
timid admiration when New-Yorkers from Ohio or Minnesota or California
give them information about the city. To this meek race, doing the
city's work and forgotten by the city they have built, belonged the
Applebys. They lived in a brown and dusky flat, with a tortoise-shell
tabby, and a canary, and a china hen which held their breakfast boiled
eggs. Every Thursday Mother wrote to her daughter, who had married a
prosperous and severely respectable druggist of Saserkopee, New York,
and during the rest of her daytimes she swept and cooked and dusted,
went shyly along the alien streets which had slipped into the
cobblestoned village she had known as a girl, and came back to dust
again and wait for Father's nimble step on the four flights of stairs up
to their flat. She was as used to loneliness as a hotel melancholiac;
the people they had known had drifted away to far suburbs. In each other
the Applebys found all life.

In July, Father began his annual agitation for a vacation. Mr. Pilkings,
of Pilkings & Son's Standard Shoe Parlor, didn't believe in vacations.
He believed in staying home and saving money. So every year it was
necessary for Father to develop a cough, not much of a cough, merely a
small, polite noise, like a mouse begging pardon of an irate bee, yet
enough to talk about and win him a two weeks' leave. Every year he
schemed for this leave, and almost ruined his throat by sniffing snuff
to make him sneeze. Every year Mr. Pilkings said that he didn't believe
there was anything whatever the matter with Father and that, even if
there was, he shouldn't have a vacation. Every year Mother was
frightened almost to death by apprehension that they wouldn't be able to
get away.

Father laughed at her this July till his fluffy hair shook like a dog's
ears in fly-time. He pounded his fist on the prim center-table by which
Mother had been solemnly reading the picture-captions in the _Eternity
Filmco's Album of Funny Film Favorites_. The statuettes of General
Lafayette and Mozart on the false mantel shook with his lusty thumping.
He roared till his voice filled the living-room and hollowly echoed in
the porcelain sink in the kitchen.

"Why," he declaimed, "you poor little dried codfish, if it wasn't for me
you'd never have a vacation. You trust old dad to handle Pilkings. We'll
get away just as sure as God made little apples."

"You mustn't use curse-words," murmured Mother, undiscouraged by forty
years of trying to reform Father's vocabulary. "And it would be a just
judgment on you for your high mightiness if you didn't get a vacation,
and I don't believe Mr. Pilkings will give you one, either, and if it
wa'n't for--"

"Why, I've got it right under my hat."

"Yes, you always think you know so much more--"

Father rounded the table, stealthily and treacherously put his lips at
her ear, and blew a tremendous "Zzzzzzzz," which buzzed in her ear like
a file on a saw-blade.

Mother leaped up, furious, and snapped, "I'm simply ashamed of you, the
way you act, like you never would grow up and get a little common sense,
what with scaring me into conniption fits, and as I was just going to
say, and I only say it for your own good, if you haven't got enough
sense to know how little sense you have got, you at your time of life,
why, well, all I can say is--you ought to know better."

Then Father and Mother settled peacefully down and forgot all about
their disagreement.

Since they had blessedly been relieved of the presence of their talented
daughter, who, until her marriage, had been polite to them to such an
extent that for years they had lived in terror, they had made rather a
point of being naughty and noisy and happy together, but by and by they
would get tired and look affectionately across the table and purr.
Father tinkered away at a broken lamp-shade till suddenly, without
warning, he declared that Mother scolded him merely to conceal her faith
in his ability to do anything. She sniffed, but she knew that he was
right. For years Mother had continued to believe in the cleverness of
Seth Appleby, who, in his youth, had promised to become manager of the
shoe-store, and gave the same promise to-day.

Father justified his shameless boast by compelling Mr. Pilkings to grant
him the usual leave of absence, and they prepared to start for West
Skipsit, Cape Cod, where they always spent their vacations at the
farm-house of Uncle Joe Tubbs.

Mother took a week to pack, and unpack, to go panting down-stairs to the
corner drug-store for new tubes of tooth-paste and a presentable sponge,
to remend all that was remendable, to press Father's flappy, shapeless
little trousers with the family flat-iron, to worry over whether she
should take the rose-pink or the daffodil-yellow wrapper--which had both
faded to approximately the same shade of gray, but which were to her
trusting mind still interestingly different. Each year she had to
impress Mrs. Tubbs of West Skipsit with new metropolitan finery, and
this year Father had no peace nor comfort in the ménage till she had
selected a smart new hat, incredibly small and close and sinking coyly
down over her ear. He was only a man folk, he was in the way, incapable
of understanding this problem of fashion, and Mother almost slapped him
one evening for suggesting that it "wouldn't make such a gosh-awful lot
of difference if she didn't find some new fad to impress Sister Tubbs."

But Mother wearied of repacking their two cheap wicker suit-cases and
the brown pasteboard box, and Father suddenly came to the front in his
true capacity as boss and leader. He announced, loudly, on the evening
before they were to depart, "We're going to have a party to-night, old

At the masterful tones of this man of the world, who wasn't afraid of
train or travel, who had gone successfully through the mysteries of
purchasing transportation clear to Cape Cod, Mother looked impressed.
But she said, doubtfully, "Oh, do you think we better, Father? We'll be
traveling and all--"

"Yes-sir-ee! We're going to a movie, and then we're going to have a
banana split, and I'm going to carry my cane and smoke a seegar. You
know mighty well you like the movies as well as I do."

"Acting up like a young smarty!" Mother said, but she obediently put on
her hat--Lord, no, not the new small hat; that was kept to impress West
Skipsit, Massachusetts--and as she trotted to the movies beside him, the
two of them like solemn white puppies venturing away from their mother,
she occasionally looked admiringly up, a whole inch up, at her hero.


They took the steamer for Massachusetts at five o'clock. When the band
started to play, when Mother feared that a ferry was going to collide
with them, when beautiful youths in boating hats popped out of
state-rooms like chorus-men in a musical comedy, when children banged
small sand-pails, when the steamer rounded the dream-castles of lower
New York, when it seemed inconceivable that the flag-staff could get
under Brooklyn Bridge--which didn't clear it by much more than a hundred
feet--when a totally new New York of factories and docks, of steamers
bound for Ceylon and yachts bound for Newport, was revealed to these old
New-Yorkers--then Mother mingled a terrific apprehension regarding ships
and water with a palpitating excitement over sailing into the freedom
which these two gray-haired children had longed for all their lives, and
had found during two weeks of each year.

Father was perfectly tremendous. He apprehensive? Why, he might have
been the original man to go down to the sea in ships. Mother wailed that
all the deck-chairs had been taken; Father found mountains of chairs and
flipped a couple of them open as though he were a steward with service
stripes. He was simply immense in his manner of thrusting Mother and
himself and his chairs and a mound of shawls and coats into the midst of
the crowd gathered at the bow. He noted Mother's nervousness and
observed, casually, "Mighty safe, these boats. Like ferries. Safer 'n
trains. Yes, they're safer 'n staying home in bed, what with burgulars
and fires and everything."

"Oh, do you really think they are safe?" breathed Mother, comforted.

Admirable though Father was, he couldn't sit still. He was wearing a
decorative new traveling cap, very smart and extensive and expensive,
shaped like a muffin, and patterned with the Douglas tartan and an
Etruscan border. He rather wanted to let people see it. He was no
Pilkings clerk now, but a world-galloper. With his cap clapped down on
one side and his youthful cigarette-holder cocked up on the other, and
in his buttonhole a carnation jaunty as a red pompon, with the breeze
puffing out the light silver hair about his temples and his pink cheeks
glowing in the westering sun, he promenaded round and round the
hurricane-deck and stopped to pat a whimpering child. But always he
hastened back, lest Mother get frightened or lonely. Once he imagined
that two toughs were annoying her, and he glared at them like a sparrow
robbed of a crumb.

As he escorted her into the dining-saloon Father's back was straight,
his chin very high. He was so prosperous of aspect, so generous and
proudly affectionate, that people turned to look. It was obvious that if
he had anything to do with the shoe business, he must be a manufacturer
in a large way, with profit-sharing and model cottages.

The sun went down; Long Island Sound was shot with red gold as little
waves reached up hands at the wonder of light. Father and Mother gazed
and ate chocolate ice-cream and large quantities of cake, with the naïve
relish of people who usually dine at home.

They sat on deck till Mother yawned and nodded and at last said the
"Wel-l--" which always means, "Let's go to bed." Father had so inspired
her with faith in the comparative safety of their wild voyaging that
she was no longer afraid, but just sleepy. She nestled in her chair and
smiled shamefacedly and said, "It's only half-past nine, but somehow--".
In her drowsiness the wrinkles smoothed away from round her eyes and
left her face like that of a plump, tired, happy little girl.

When they were at home Father's and Mother's garments had a way of
getting so familiarly mixed that even Mother could scarcely keep their
bureau drawers separate. But when they traveled they were aristocrats,
and they had entirely separate suit-cases and berths. From the pompous
manner in which Father unpacked his bag you would have been utterly
beguiled, and have supposed him to be one of those high persons who have
whole suites to themselves and see their consorts only at state
banquets, when there are celery and olives, and the squire invited to
dinner. There was nothing these partners in life more enjoyed than the
one night's pretense that they were aloof. But they suddenly forgot
their rôles; they squealed with pleasure and patted each other's
shoulders fondly. For simultaneously they had discovered the surprises.
In Mother's suit-case, inside her second-best boots, Father had hidden
four slender beribboned boxes of the very best chocolate peppermints;
while in Father's seemly nightgown was a magnificent new mouth-organ.

Father was an artist on the mouth-organ. He could set your heart
prancing with the strains of "Dandy Dick and the Candlestick." But his
old mouth-organ had grown wheezy. Now he sat down and played softly till
their tiny inside state-room was filled with a tumbling chorus of happy

When Mother was asleep in the lower berth and Father was believed to be
asleep in the upper he slipped on his coat and trousers and
kitten-footed out of the state-room to a dark corner of the deck. For,
very secretly, Father was afraid of the water. He who had insouciantly
reassured Mother had himself to choke down the timorous speculations of
a shop-bound clerk. While the sun was fair on the water and there were
obviously no leviathans nor anything like that bearing down upon them he
was able to conceal his fear--even from himself. But now that he didn't
have to cheer Mother, now that the boat rolled forward through a black
nothingness, he knew that he was afraid. He sat huddled, and remembered
all the tales he had heard of fire and collision and reefs. He vainly
assured himself that every state-room was provided with an automatic
sprinkler. He made encouraging calculations as to the infrequency of
collisions on the Sound, and scoffed at himself, "Why, the most shipping
there could be at night would be a couple of schooners, maybe a
torpedo-boat." But dread of the unknown was on him.

Father went through this spasm of solitary fear each first night of
vacation. It wasn't genuine fear. It was the growing-pain of freedom.
The cricket who chirped so gaily when he was with Mother was also a
weary man, a prisoner of daily routine. He had to become free for

Laughingly, then bitterly, he rebuked himself for fear. And presently he
was bespelled by the wonder of the unknown. Beyond the water through
which they slid, black and smooth as polished basalt, he saw a
lighthouse winking. From his steamer time-table he learned that it must
be Great Gull Island light. Great Gull Island! It suggested to him
thunderous cliffs with surf flung up on beetling rock, screaming gulls,
and a smuggler on guard with menacing rifle. He lost his fear of fear;
he ceased to think about his accustomed life of two aisles and the
show-case of new models and the background of boxes and boxes and boxes
of shoes--tokens of the drudgery that was ground into him like grit. The
Father who worried was changing into the adventurous wanderer that
henceforward he would be--for two weeks. He stretched out his short arms
and breathed deeply of the night wind.

Half an hour later he was asleep. But not, it must be confessed, in the
aristocratic seclusion of his own berth. He was downily curled beside
Mother, his cheek nuzzled beside her delicate old hand.


They changed from steamer to railroad; about eleven in the morning they
stepped out at West Skipsit, Cape Cod. Uncle Joe Tubbs and Mrs. Tubbs
were driving up, in a country buggy. Father and Mother filled their
nostrils with the smell of the salt marshes, their ears with the long
murmur of the mile-distant surf, their eyes with the shine of the great
dunes and the demure peace of a New England white cottage standing among
firs and apple-trees--scent and sound and sight of their freedom.

"Father, we're here!" Mother whispered, her eyes wet. Then, "Oh, do be
careful of that box. There's a hat there that's going to make Matilda
Tubbs catch her death from envy!"

To the Tubbses, though they were cynical with a hoary wisdom in regard
to New-Yorkers and summerites and boarders in general, the annual coming
of the Applebys was welcome as cider and buttered toast--yes, they even
gave Father and Mother the best chamber, with the four-poster bed and
the mirror bordered with Florida shells, at a much reduced rate. They
burrowed into their grim old hearts as Uncle Joe Tubbs grubbed into the
mud for clams, and brought out treasures of shy affection.

As soon as they reached the Tubbs farm-house the two women went off
together to the kitchen, while the men sneaked toward the inlet. Mother
didn't show her new hat as yet; that was in reserve to tantalize Mrs.
Tubbs with the waiting. Besides, for a day or two the women couldn't
take down the bars and say what they thought. But the men immediately
pounded each other on the back and called each other "Seth" and "Joe,"
and, keeping behind banks lest they be seen by young uns, they
shamefacedly paddled barefoot--two old men with bare feet and silvery
shanks, chuckling and catching crabs, in a salt inlet among rolling
hillocks covered with sedge-grass that lisped in the breeze. The grass
hollows were filled with quiet and the sound of hovering flies. Beyond
was a hill shiny with laurel.

They dug for Little-Neck clams in the mud by the Pond, they discussed
the cranberry bog and the war and the daily catch of the traps; they
interrupted their sage discourse to whoop at a mackerel gull that
flapped above them; they prowled along the inlet to the Outside, and
like officials they viewed a passing pogie-boat. Uncle Joe Tubbs ought
to have been washing dishes, and he knew it, but the coming of the
Applebys annually gave him the excuse for a complete loaf. Besides, he
was sure that by now Mother Appleby would be in apron and gingham,
helping the protesting yet willing Mrs. Tubbs.

The greatest philosophical theory in the world is that "people are
people." The Applebys, who had mellowed among streets and shops, were
very much like the Tubbses of Cape Cod. Father was, in his unquenchable
fondness for Mother, like Romeo, like golden Aucassin. But also in his
sly fondness for loafing on a sunny grass-bank, smoking a vile pipe and
arguing that the war couldn't last more than six months, he was very
much like Uncle Joe Tubbs. As for Mother, she gossiped about the ancient
feud between the West Skipsit Universalists and Methodists, and she said
"wa'n't" exactly like Mrs. Tubbs.

There were other boarders at the Tubbses', and before them at supper
both of the old couples maintained the gravity with which, vainly, Age
always endeavors to impress Youth. Uncle Joe was crotchety, and Mrs.
Tubbs was brisk about the butter, and the Applebys were tremendously
dignified and washed and brushed, and not averse to being known as
superior star boarders from that superior city, New York, personages to
whom the opera and the horse-show were perfectly familiar. Father
dismissed a small, amateurish war debate by letting it be known that in
his business--nature of business not stated--he was accustomed to meet
the diplomatic representatives of the very choicest nations, and to give
them advice. Which, indeed, he did--regarding shoes. For Pilkings & Son
had a rather élite clientele for Sixth Avenue, and Father had with his
own hands made glad the feet of the Swedish consul and the Bolivian
trade agent.

A man from South Bromfield started to cap the pose, as low persons
always do in these boarding-houses, but Father changed the subject, in a
slightly peppery manner. Father could be playful with Mother, but, like
all men who are worth anything, he could be as Olympian as a king or a
woman author or a box-office manager when he was afflicted by young men
who chewed gum and were chatty. He put his gold-bowed eye-glasses on the
end of his nose and looked over them so wealthily that the summerites
were awed and shyly ate their apple-sauce to the last dreg.

Twelve o'clock dinner at the Tubbses' was a very respectable meal, with
roasts and vegetables to which you could devote some skill and energy.
But supper was more like an after-thought, a sort of afternoon tea
without the wrist-watch conversation. It was soon over, the dishes soon
washed, and by seven o'clock the Applebys and Tubbses gathered in the
sacred parlor, where ordinary summerites were not welcome, where the
family crayon-enlargements hung above the green plush settee from
Boston, which was flanked by the teak table which Uncle Joe's Uncle Ira
had brought from China, and the whale's vertebræ without which no
high-caste Cape Cod household is virtuous. With joy and verbal
fireworks, with highly insulting comments on one another's play, began
the annual series of cribbage games--a world's series, a Davis cup
tournament. Doffing his usual tobacco-chewing, collarless, jocose
manner, Uncle Joe reverently took from the what-not the ancestral
cribbage-board, carved from a solid walrus-tooth. They stood about
exclaiming over it, then fell to. "Fifteen-two, fifteen-four, and a pair
is six!" rang out, triumphantly. Finally (as happened every year on the
occasion of their first game), when the men had magnificently won, Mrs.
Tubbs surprised them with refreshments--they would have been jolly well
surprised if she hadn't surprised them--and Father played recent New
York musical comedy songs on his new mouth-organ, stopping to explain
the point of each, whereupon Mother shook her head and said, warningly,
"Now, Father, you be careful what you say. Honestly, I don't know what
the world is coming to, Mrs. Tubbs, the way men carry on nowadays." But
she wasn't very earnest about it because she was gigglingly aware that
Uncle Joe was stealing Mrs. Tubbs's share of the doughnuts.

They were all as hysterical as a girls' school during this annual
celebration. But Father peeped out of the parlor window and saw the lush
moonlight on marsh and field. To Mother, with an awed quiet, "Sarah,
it's moonlight, like it used to be--" The Tubbses seemed to understand
that the sweethearts wanted to be alone, and they made excuses to be off
to bed. On the porch, wrapped in comforters and coats against the
seaside chill, Father and Mother cuddled together. They said
little--everything was said for them by the moonlight, silvery on the
marshes, wistful silver among the dunes, while the surf was lulled and
the whole spacious night seemed reverent with love. His hand cradled
hers as the hand of a child would close round a lily leaf.

Halcyon days of sitting in rocking-chairs under the beech-trees on
locust-zizzing afternoons, of hunting for shells on the back-side shore
of the Cape, of fishing for whiting from the landing on the bay side, of
musing among the many-colored grasses of the uplands. They would have
gone ambling along such dreamland roads to the end of their vacation had
it not been for the motor-car of Uncle Joe's son-in-law.

That car changed their entire life. Among the hills of peace there was
waiting for them an adventure.

Uncle Joe's son-in-law lived in a portable bungalow a mile away. He
rotated crops. He peddled fish with a motor-car. In five minutes he
could detach from the back of his car the box in which he carried the
fish, clap on a rather rickety tonneau, and be ready to compete in
stylish pleasures with the largest limousine from Newport or Brookline.
Father and Mother went wheezing about the country with him. Father had
always felt that he had the makings of a motorist, because of the
distinct pleasure he had felt in motor-bus rides on New York Sundays,
and he tactfully encouraged the son-in-law in the touring mania. So it
was really Father's fault that they found the tea-room.

The six of them, the Applebys, the Tubbses, and son-in-law and daughter,
somewhat cramped as to space and dusty as to garments, had motored to
Cotagansuit. Before them, out across the road, hung the sign: Ye Tea

"Say, by Jiminy! let's go into that Tea Shoppy and have some eats," said
Father. "My treat."

"Nope, it's mine," said the Tubbses' son-in-law, hypocritically.

"Not a word out of you!" sang out Father, gallantly. "Hey there,
chauffeur, stop this new car of mine at the Shoppy."

As the rusty car drew up Mrs. Tubbs and Mother looked rather agitatedly
at a group of young people, girls in smocks and men in white flannels,
who were making society noises before the brown barn which had been
turned into a tea-room. The two old women felt that they weren't quite
dressed for a party; they were shy of silken youth. Mrs. Tubbs's
daughter was conscious of the fact that her $1.98 wash-dress, shapeless
from many washings, was soiled in front. But Uncle Joe, the old
hardshell, was never abashed at anything. He shifted his tobacco quid
and "guessed he'd have to get some white pants like that young
red-headed fellow's."

Then Father again proved himself magnificent. Wasn't he a New-Yorker?
"No flossy tea-room and no bunch of young fellows in ice-cream
breeches--probably they were only clerks, anyway, if the truth was
known!--was going to scare your Uncle Dudley offn tea! Not that he cared
so much for tea itself; 'drather have a good cup of coffee, any time;
but he didn't want Joe Tubbs to think he wasn't used to fashionable
folks." So, with a manner of wearing goggles and gauntlets, he led the
women and the shambling son-in-law and the brazenly sloppy Uncle Joe
through the flowery youth and into the raftered room, with its new
fireplace and old William and Mary chairs, its highboy covered with
brassware, and its little tea-tables with slender handicraft vases each
containing one marigold. Father ignored all these elegances and
commanded a disdainful waitress with a frilly white apron, "Let's have a
couple of tables together here, eh?" He himself shifted chairs, and made
a joke, and started to select impressive food.

He was used to New York restaurants, and to quite expensive hotels, for
at least once a year, on his birthday, Mr. Pilkings took him to lunch at
the Waldorf. While he had apparently been devoting himself to arranging
the tables his cunning old brain had determined to order tea and French
pastry. Apparently the Tea Shoppe was neutral. There was no French
pastry on the bill, but, instead, such curious edibles as cinnamon
toast, cream cheese, walnut sandwiches, Martha Washington muffins. Nor
was the tea problem so easy as it had seemed. To Father there were only
two kinds of tea--the kind you got for a nickel at the Automat, and the
kind that Mother privately consumed. But here he had to choose
intelligently among orange pekoe, oolong, Ceylon, and English-breakfast

Father did a very brave thing, though he probably will never get the
Carnegie medal for it. Instead of timidly asking the lofty waitress's
advice, he boldly plunged in and ordered two kinds of sandwiches,
cinnamon toast, and, because he liked the name, orange pekoe. He rather
held his breath, but apparently the waitress took him quite seriously,
and some time in the course of the afternoon actually brought him what
he had asked for.

Ye Tea Shoppe was artistic. You could tell that by the fact that none of
the arts and crafts wares exposed for sale were in the least useful. And
it was too artistic, too far above the sordidness of commercialism, to
put any prices on the menu-cards. Consequently Father was worried about
his bill all the time he was encouraging his guests to forget their
uncomfortably decorative surroundings and talk like regular people. But
when he saw how skinny were the sandwiches and how reticent the cinnamon
toast he was cheered. He calculated that the whole bill couldn't, in
decency, be more than ninety cents for the six of them.

In the midst of his nicest flow of fancy about Mother's fear of mice,
the bill was laid decorously on its face beside him. Still talking, but
hesitating somewhat, he took a peep at the bill. It was for three
dollars and sixty cents.

He felt congealed, but he talked on. He slid a five-dollar bill from his
diminutive roll and gallantly paid up. His only comment when, in the
car, Mother secretly asked how much he had been overcharged, was the
reflection, "They certainly ought to make money out of those tea-rooms.
Their profit must be something like five hundred per cent. That strikes
me as a pretty good way to earn a living, old lady. You live in a nice
comfortable place in the country and don't have to do any work but slice
bread and stick in chicken or cream cheese, and make five hundred per
cent. Say--"


He didn't say it. But Father had been knocked breathless by an idea. He
was silent all the way home. He made figures on the last leaf of his
little pocket account-book. He manoeuvered to get Mother alone, and
exultantly shot his idea at her.

They were beginning to get old; the city was almost too much for them.
They would pick out some pretty, rustic spot and invest their savings in
a tea-room. At five-hundred per cent. they would make enough during
three months of summer to keep them the rest of the year. If they were
located on Cape Cod, perhaps they could spend the winter with the
Tubbses. They would have a garden; they would keep chickens, dogs,
pussies, yes, a cow; they would buy land, acre by acre; they would have
a farm to sustain them when they were too old for work; maybe they would
open a whole chain of tea-rooms and ride about supervising them in a
motor-car big as a house; they would--

"Now hold your horses, Father," she begged, dizzily. "I never did see
such a man for running on. You go on like a house afire. You ought to
know more, at your time of life, than to go counting your chickens

"I'm going to hatch them. Don't they tell us in every newspaper and
magazine you can lay your hand on that this is the Age of the Man with
the Idea? Look here. Two slices of home-made bread, I calc'late, don't
cost more than three-fifths of a cent, I shouldn't think, and cream
cheese to smear on them about half a cent; there's a little over a cent;
and overhead--'course _you_ wouldn't take overhead into account, and
then you go and say I ain't practical and hatching chickens, and all,
but let me tell you, Sarah Jane Appleby, I'm a business man and I've
been trained, and I tell you as Pilkings has often said to me, it's
overhead that makes or breaks a business, that's what it is, just like
he says, yes, sir, _overhead_! So say we'll allow--now let me see, ten
plus ten is twenty, and one six-hundredth of twenty would be--six in two
is--no, two in six is--well, _anyway_, to make it ab-so-lute-ly safe,
we'll allow a cent and a half for each sandwich, to cover overhead and
rent and fuel, and then they sell a sandwich at fifteen cents, which is,
uh, the way they figure percentage of profit--well, make it, say, seven
hundred per cent.! 'Course just estimating roughly like. Now can you
beat that? And tea-rooms is a safe, sound, interesting, genteel business
if there ever was one. What have you got to say to that?"

Father didn't often thus deluge her with words, but then he didn't often
have a Revolutionary Idea. She had never heard of "overhead," and she
was impressed; though in some dim confused way she rather associated
"overhead" with the rafters of the tea-room. She emerged gasping from
the shower, and all she could say was: "Yes: it would be very genteel.
And I must say I always did like them hand-painted artistic things. But
do you really think it would be safe, Father?"

"Safe? Pooh! Safe's the bank!"

They were in for it. Of course they were going to discuss it back and
forth for months, and sit up nights to make figures on the backs of
laundry-bills. But they had been fated the moment Father had seen Mother
and himself as delightful hosts playing with people in silk sweaters,
in a general atmosphere of roses, fresh lobster, and gentility.

They explored the Cape for miles around, looking for a place where they
might open a tea-room if they did decide to do so. They said good-by to
the Tubbses and returned to New York, to the noisy streets and the
thankless drudgery at Pilkings & Son's.

In December they definitely made up their minds to give up the shoe
business, take their few hundred dollars from the bank, and, the coming
summer, open a tea-room in an old farm-house on the Cliffs at Grimsby
Head, Cape Cod.

Out of saving money for the tea-room, that winter, the Applebys had as
much fun as they had ever found in spending. They were comrades,
partners in getting along without things as they had been partners in
working to acquire little luxuries. They went to the movies only once a
month--that made the movies only the more thrilling! On the morning
before they were to go Father would pound softly on the pillow by
Mother's head and sing, "Wake up! It's a fine day and we're going to see
a photoplay to-night!"

Mother did without her chocolate peppermints, and Father cut his smoking
down to one cigarette after each meal--though occasionally, being but a
mortal man, he would fall into sinful ways and smoke up three or four
cigarettes while engaged in an enthralling conversation regarding Mr.
Pilkings's meanness with fellow-clerks at lunch at the Automat.
Afterward he would be very repentant; he would have a severe case of
conviction of sin, and Mother would have to comfort him when he accused

"Seems as if I couldn't doggone never learn to control myself. I ain't
hopeless, am I? I declare, I'm disgusted with myself when I think of
your going without your chocolates and me just making a profane old
razorback hog of myself."

There was no sordidness in their minute economy; no chill of poverty;
they were saving for an excursion to paradise. They crowed as they
thought of the beauty of their discovery: lonely Grimsby Head, where the
sea stretched out on one side of their house and moors on the other,
with the State road and its motorists only two hundred feet from their
door. Though they should live in that sentinel house for years, never
would they enjoy it more than they now did in anticipation when they sat
of an evening in their brown flat, looking down on a delicatessen, a
laundry, and a barber-shop, and planned to invest in their house of
accomplished dreams the nickels they were managing to save.

The only thing that worried Father was the fact that their project put
upon Mother so great a burden in the way of preparations. At first he
took it for granted that only women could know about tea and tea-cups,
decorations and paper napkins and art and the disposal of garbage. He
determined to learn. By dint of much deep ratiocination while riding in
the Elevated between flat and store he evolved the new idea--cheapness.

It was nonsense, he decided, to have egg-shell china and to charge
fifteen cents for tea. Why not have neat, inexpensive china, good but
not exorbitant tea, and charge only five or ten cents, as did the
numerous luncheon-places he knew? Mother eagerly agreed.

Then the man of ideas began to turn his brain to saving Mother the
trouble of selecting the tea-room equipment. It was not an easy problem
for him. This gallant traveler, who wore his cap so cockily and paid a
three-dollar-and-sixty-cent check so nonchalantly when he was traveling,
was really an underpaid clerk.

He began by informing himself on all the technicalities of tea-rooms. He
lunched at tea-rooms. He prowled in front of tea-rooms. He dreamed about
tea-rooms. He became a dabster at tucking paper napkins into his neat
little waistcoat without tearing them. He got acquainted with the
waitress at the Nickleby Tavern, which was not a tavern, though it was
consciously, painstakingly, seriously quaint; and he cautiously made
inquiry of her regarding tea and china. During his lunch-hours he
frequented auction sales on Sixth Avenue, and became so sophisticated in
the matter of second-hand goods that the youngest clerk at Pilkings &
Son's, a child of forty who was about to be married, respectfully asked
Father about furnishing a flat. He rampaged through department stores
without buying a thing, till store detectives secretly followed him. He
read the bargain-sale advertisements in his morning paper before he even
looked at the war-news head-lines.

Father was no fool, but he had been known to prefer kindliness to
convenience. When he could get things for the same price he liked to buy
them from small struggling dealers rather than from large and efficient
ones--thereby, in his innocent way, helping to perpetuate the old
system of weak, unskilled, casual, chaotically competitive businesses.
This kindliness moved him when, during his search for information about
tea-room accessories, he encountered a feeble but pretentious
racket-store which a young Hungarian had established on Twenty-sixth
Street, just off Sixth Avenue. The Hungarian and one girl assistant were
trying by futile garish window-decorations to draw trade from the great
department stores and the five-and-ten-cent stores on one side of them
and the smart shops on the other side. But the Hungarian was clever, too
clever. He first found out all of Father's plans, then won Father's
sympathy. He coughed a little, and with a touching smile which was
intended to rouse admiration, declared that his lungs were bad, but
never mind, he would fight on, and go away for a rest when he had
succeeded. He insinuated that, as he was not busy now, he could do all
the buying and get better terms from wholesalers or bankruptcy bargain
sales than could Father himself. The Hungarian's best stock in trading
with Father was to look young and pathetically threadbare, to smile and
shake his head and say playfully, as though he were trying to hide his
secret generosity by a pretense of severity, "But of course I'd charge
you a commission--you see I'm a hard-hearted fella."

It was January. In a month, now, Mother would be grunting heavily and
beginning the labor of buying for the tea-room. So far she had done
nothing but crochet two or three million tidies for the tea-room chairs,
"to make them look homey."

The Hungarian showed Father tea-cups with huge quantities of gold on
them. He assured Father that it was smarter to buy odd cups--also
cheaper, as thus they could take advantage of broken lots and
closing-out sales. Fascinated, Father kept hanging around, and at last
he bolted frantically and authorized the Hungarian to purchase
everything for him.

Which the Hungarian had already done, knowing that the fly was on the
edge of the web.

You know, the things didn't look so bad, not so very bad--as long as
they were new.

Tea-cups and saucers gilded like shaving-mugs and equally thick.
Golden-oak chairs of mid-Chautauquan patterns, with backs of saw-mill
Heppelwhite; chairs of cane and rattan with fussy scrolls and curlicues
of wicker, the backs set askew. Reed tables with gollops of wicker;
plain black wooden tables that were like kitchen tables once removed;
folding-tables that may have been suitable to card-playing, if you
didn't play anything more exciting than casino. Flat silver that was
heavily plated except where it was likely to wear. Tea-pots of mottled
glaze, and cream-jugs with knobs of gilt, and square china ash-trays on
which one instinctively expected to find the legend "Souvenir of Niagara
Falls." Too many cake-baskets and too few sugar-bowls. Dark blue plates
with warts on the edges and melancholy landscapes painted in the
centers. Chintzes and wall-papers of patterns fashionable in 1890.
Tea-cartons that had the most inspiring labels; cocoa that was bitter
and pepper that was mild; preserves that were generous with hayseed and

But everything was varnished that could be varnished; everything was
tied with pink ribbon that would stand for it; the whole collection
looked impressively new to a man accustomed to a shabby flat; the prices
seemed reasonable; and Mother was saved practically all the labor of

She had clucked comfortably every time he had worried aloud about her
task. Yet she was secretly troubled. It gave her a headache to climb
down the four flights of stairs from their flat. The acrid dust of the
city streets stung her eyes, the dissonant grumble of a million hurrying
noises dizzied her, and she would stand on a street-corner for five
minutes before daring to cross. When Father told her that all the buying
was done, and awaiting her approval, she gasped. But she went down with
him, was impressed by the shininess and newness of things--and the
Hungarian was given a good share of the Applebys' life-savings,
agitatedly taken out of the savings-bank in specie.

They had purchased freedom. The house at Grimsby Head was eager for
them. Mother cried as she ripped up the carpet in their familiar flat
and saw the treasured furniture rudely crated for shipment to the
unknown. She felt that she was giving up ever so many metropolitan
advantages by leaving New York so prematurely. Why, she'd never been
inside Grant's Tomb! She'd miss her second cousin--not that she'd seen
the cousin for a year or two. And on the desert moors of Grimsby she
couldn't run across the street to a delicatessen. But none of the
inconveniences of going away so weighed upon her spirit as did the
memory of their hours together in this flat.

But when she stood with him on the steamer again, bound for the Cape,
when the spring breeze gave life to her faded hair, she straightened her
shoulders and stood like a conqueror.

"Gee! we'll be at Grimsby to-morrow," piped Father, throwing his coat
open and debonairly sticking his thumbs into his lower waistcoat
pockets. "The easy life for me, old lady. I'm going to sit in a chair in
the sun and watch you work."

"How you do run on!" she said. "You wait and find out the way you have
to wash dishes and all. We'll see what we see, my fine young whiffet."

"Say, James J. Jerusalem but I've got a fine idea. I know what we'll
call the tea-room--'The T Room'--see, not spelling out the T. Great,


It was May in Arcady, and those young-hearted old lovers, Mr. and Mrs.
Seth Appleby, were almost ready to open the tea-room. They had leased
for a term of two years an ancient and weathered house on the gravel
cliffs of Grimsby Head. From the cliffs the ocean seemed more sweepingly
vast than when beheld from the beach, and the plain of it was colored
like a pearly shell. To the other side of their dream-house were moors
that might have been transplanted from Devon, rolling uplands covered
with wiry grass that was springy to the feet, dappled with lichens which
gave to the spacious land its lovely splashes of color--rose and green
and sulphur and quiet gray.

It was a lonely countryside; the nearest signs of human life were a
church gauntly silhouetted on the hill above Grimsby Center, two miles
away, and a life-saving station, squat and sand-colored, slapped down in
a hollow of the cliffs. But near the Applebys' door ran the State road,
black and oily and smooth, on which, even at the beginning of the summer
season, passed a procession of motors from Boston and Brockton, Newport
and New York, all of them unquestionably filled with people who would
surely discover that they were famished for tea and preserves and
tremendous quantities of sandwiches, as soon as Father and Mother hung
out the sign, "The T Room."

They would open in a day or two, now, when Mother had finished the livid
chintz window-curtains. The service-room was already crammed with chairs
and tables till it resembled a furniture-store. A maid was established,
a Cape Verde Portygee girl from Mashpee. All day long Father had been
copying the menu upon the florid cards which he had bought from a
bankrupt Jersey City printer--thick gilt-edged cards embossed with
forget-me-nots in colors which hadn't quite registered.

From their upper rooms, in which Mother had arranged the furniture to
make the new home resemble their New York flat, the Applebys came
happily down-stairs for the sunset. They were still excited at having
country and sea at their door; still felt that all life would be one
perpetual vacation. Every day now they would have the wild peace of the
Cape, for two weeks of which, each year, they had had to work fifty
weeks. Think of stepping out to a view of the sea instead of a view of
Brambach's laundry! They were, in fact, as glad to get into the open as
the city-seeking youngster is to get away from it.

On the landward side of the bleak house, crimson-rambler roses were
luxuriant, and a stiff shell-bordered garden gave charily of small
marigolds. Riches were these, by comparison with the two geraniums in a
window-box which had been their New York garden. But they had an even
greater pride--the rose-arbor. Sheltered by laurel from the sea winds
was a whitewashed lattice, covered with crimson ramblers. Through a gap
in the laurels they could see the ocean, stabbingly blue in contrast to
the white dunes which reared battlements along the top of the gravel
cliff. Far out a coasting schooner blossomed on the blue skyline. Bees
hummed and the heart was quiet. Already the Applebys had found the place
of brooding blossoms for which they had hoped; already they loved the
rose-arbor as they had never loved the city. He nuzzled her cheek like
an old horse out at pasture, and "Old honey!" he whispered.

Two days more, and they had the tea-room ready for its opening.

Father insisted on giving the evening over to wild ceremonies. He played
"Juanita" and "Kelly with the Green Necktie," and other suitable chants
upon that stately instrument, the mouth-organ, and marched through the
tea-room banging on a dishpan with the wooden salad-spoon. Suddenly he
turned into the first customer, and seating himself in a lordly manner,
with his legs crossed, his thumbs in his waistcoat pockets and his hands
waving fan-wise, he ordered, "Lettuce sandwiches, sody-water, a
tenderloin steak, fish-balls, a bottle of champagne, and ice-cream with
beef gravy, and hustle my order, young woman."

Mother was usually too shy for make-believe, but this time she was
stirred to stand with her fat doll-arms akimbo, and to retort, "You'll
get nothing here, young fellow. This is a place for ladies and gents

They squealed and hugged each other. From the kitchen door the Portygee
maid viewed her employers with lofty scorn, as Father gave a whole
series of imitations of the possible first customer, who, as variously
presented, might be Jess Willard, Senator Lodge, General von Hindenburg,
or Mary Pickford.

At four next afternoon, with the solemn trembling of an explorer
hoisting the flag to take possession of new territory, they hung out
their sign, stepped back to admire it as it swung and shone against the
crimson ramblers, and watched for the next motor-car.

It was coming! It was a seven-passenger car, filled with women in
blanket coats. One of them actually waved, as the car approached the
little couple who were standing in the sun, unconsciously arm in arm.
Then the car had streaked by, was gone round the bend.

The second car passed them, and the third. A long intense period when
the road was vacant. Then the fourth and fifth cars, almost together;
and the file of motorists turned from exciting prospects into just
motorists, passing strangers, oblivious of the two old people under
their hopeful sign.

While they were forlornly re-entering the house the eleventh car
suddenly stopped, and five hungry people trooped into the tea-room with
demands for tea and muffins and cake. The Applebys didn't have muffins,
but they did have sandwiches, and everybody was happy. Mother shooed
the maid out into the kitchen, and herself, with awkward eagerness to
get orders exactly right, leaned over the tea-table. In the kitchen
Father stuffed kindling into the stove to bring the water to a boil
again, and pantingly seized the bread-knife and attacked a loaf as
though he were going to do it a violence. Mother entered, took the knife
away from him, and dramatically drove him out to cut up more kindling.

The customers were served. While they ate and drank, and talked about
what they had eaten and drunk at lunch at an inn, they were unconscious
of two old pairs of eyes that watched them from the kitchen door, as
brightly, as furtively, as excitedly as two birds in a secret thicket.
The host paid without remarks what seemed to the Applebys an enormous
bill, a dollar and sixty cents, and rambled out to the car, still
unknowing that two happy people wanted to follow him with their
blessings. This history is unable to give any further data regarding
him; when his car went round the bend he disappeared from the fortunes
of the Applebys, and he was not to know how much blessing he had
scattered. I say, perhaps he was you who read this--you didn't by any
chance happen to be motoring between Yarmouth and Truro, May 16, 1915,
did you? With five in the party; coffee-colored car with one mud-guard
slightly twisted?

The season was not quick in opening. To the Applebys the time between
mid-May and mid-June was crawlingly slow. On some days they had two
orders; some days, none at all. Of an evening, before they could sink
into the sunset-colored peace of the rose-arbor, they had to convince
themselves that they couldn't really expect any business till the
summerites had begun to take their vacations. There was a curious
psychological fact. It had always been Father, the brisk burden-bearer,
who had comforted the secluded Mother. He had brought back to the flat
the strenuousness of business. But inactivity was hard on his merry
heart; he fretted and fussed at having nothing to do; he raged at having
to throw away unused bread because it was growing stale. It was Mother
who reminded him that they couldn't expect business before the season.

Mid-June came; the stream of cars was almost a solid parade; the
Portygee maid brought the news that there were summer boarders at the
Nickerson farm-house; and the Applebys, when they were in Grimsby Center
buying butter and bread, saw the rocking-chair brigade mobilizing on the
long white porches of the Old Harbor Inn.

And trade began!

There was no rival tea-room within ten miles. Father realized with a
thumping heart that he had indeed chosen well in selecting Grimsby Head.
Ten, twelve, even fifteen orders a day came from the motorists. The
chronic summerites, they who came to Grimsby Center each year, walked
over to see the new tea-room and to purchase Mother's home-made
doughnuts. On June 27th the Applebys made a profit of $4.67, net.

As they rested in the rose-arbor at dusk of that day, Father burst out
in desperate seriousness: "Oh my dear, my dear, it is going to go! I was
beginning to get scared. I couldn't have forgiven myself if I'd let you
in for something that would have been a failure. Golly! I've been
realizing that we would have been pretty badly up against it if the
tea-room hadn't panned out right. I'd have wanted to shoot myself if I'd
been and gone and led you into want, old honey!"

Then, after the first of July, when the Cape Cod season really began,
business suddenly fell away to nothing. They couldn't understand it. In
panic they reduced the price of tea to five cents. No result. They had
about one customer a day. They had not looked to Grimsby Center for the
cause. That they might personally attend to business they had been
sending the maid to the Center for their supplies, while they stuck at
home--and wore out their hearts in vain hoping, in terrified wonder as
to why the invisible gods had thus smitten them. Not for a week, a week
of draining expense without any income to speak of, did they find out.

One July evening they walked to Grimsby Center. Half-way down they came
to a new sign, shaped like a tea-pot, declaring in a striking block of


And the Applebys had never heard of crumpets or Sally Lunns.

While the light turned the moors to a wistful lavender, the little old
couple stood in a hollow of the road, looking mutely up at the sign that
mocked them from its elevation on a bare gravel bank beside the way.
Father's shoulders braced; he bit his lips; he reached out for Mother's
hand and patted it. He led her on, and it was he who spoke first:

"Oh, that kind of miffle-business won't hurt us any. Girly-girly stuff,
that's what it is. Regular autoists would rather have one of your
home-made doughnuts than all the crumples in the world, and you can just
bet your bottom dollar on that, Sary Jane."

He even chuckled, but it was a feeble chuckle, and he could find no
other solace to give as they trudged toward Grimsby Center, two
insignificant people, hand in hand, dim in the melancholy light which
made mysterious the stretching moors. Presently they and the black
highroad disappeared. Only the sandy casual trails and mirror-bright
tiny pools stood out in the twilight.

Yet there was light enough for them to see the silhouettes of two more
tea-pot signs before they entered Grimsby Center.

The village was gay, comparatively. There was to be a motion-picture
show in the town hall, and the sign advertising it was glaring with no
less than four incandescent lights. In the Old Harbor Inn the guests
were dancing to phonograph music, after their early supper. A man who
probably meant well was playing long, yellowish, twilit wails on a
cornet, somewhere on the outskirts. Girls in sailor jumpers, with vivid
V's of warmly tanned flesh, or in sweaters of green and rose and violet
and canary yellow, wandered down to the post-office. To the city-bred
Applebys there would have been cheer and excitement in this mild
activity, after their farm-house weeks; indeed Father suggested, "We
ought to stay and see the movies. Look! Royal X. Snivvles in 'The Lure
of the Crimson Cobra'--six reels--that sounds snappy." But his
exuberance died in a sigh. A block down Harpoon Street they saw a sign,
light-encircled, tea-pot shaped, hung out from a great elm. Without
explanations they turned toward it.

They passed a mansion of those proud old days when whalers and China
traders and West-Indiamen brought home gold and blacks, Cashmere shawls
and sweet sandalwood, Malay oaths and the jawbones of whales. The
Applebys could see by the electric lights bowered in the lilac-bushes
that a stately grass walk, lined with Madonna lilies and hollyhock and
phlox, led to the fanlight-crested white door, above which hung the
mocking tea-pot sign. The house was lighted, the windows open. To the
right of the hall was the arts-shop where, among walls softened with
silky Turkish rugs and paintings of blue dawn amid the dunes, were
tables of black-and-white china, sports hats, and Swiss toys, which the
Grimsby summer colony meekly bought at the suggestion of the sprightly
Miss Mitchin.

To the left was the dining-room, full of small white candle-lighted
tables and the sound of laughter.

"Gosh! they even serve supper there!" Father's voice complained. He
scarcely knew that he had spoken. Like Mother, he was picturing their
own small tea-room and the cardboard-shaded oil-lamp that lighted it.

"Come, don't let's stand here," said Mother, fiercely, and they trailed
forlornly past. They were not so much envious as in awe of Miss
Mitchin's; it seemed to belong to the same unattainable world as Newport
and the giant New York hotels.

The Applebys didn't know it, but Grimsby Center had become artistic.
They couldn't know it, but that sharp-nosed genius-hound Miss Mitchin
was cashing in on her _salon_. She came from Brookline, hence
Massachusetts Brahmins of almost pure caste could permit themselves to
be seen at her tea-room. But nowadays she spent her winters in New York,
as an artistic photographer, and she entertained interior decorators,
minor fiction-writers, and minus poets with free food every Thursday
evening. It may be hard to believe, but in A.D. 1915 she was still
calling her grab-bag of talent a "_salon_." It was really a saloon, with
a literary free-lunch counter. In return, whenever they could borrow the
price from commercialized friends, the yearners had her take their
photographs artistically, which meant throwing the camera out of focus
and producing masterpieces which were everything except likenesses.

When Miss Mitchin resolved to come to Grimsby Center her group of
writers, who had protected themselves against the rude, crude world of
business men and lawyers by living together in Chelsea Village, were
left defenseless. They were in danger of becoming human. So they all
followed Miss Mitchin to Grimsby, and contentedly went on writing about
one another.

There are many such groups, with the same summer watering-places and the
same winter beering-places. Some of them drink hard liquor and play
cards. But Miss Mitchin's group were very mild in manner, though
desperately violent in theory. The young women wore platter-sized
tortoise-shell spectacles and smocks that were home-dyed to a pleasing
shrimp pink. The young men also wore tortoise-shell spectacles, but not
smocks--not usually, at least. One of them had an Albanian costume and a
beard that was a cross between the beard of an early Christian martyr on
a diet and that of a hobo who merely needed a shave. Elderly ladies
loved to have him one-step with them and squeeze their elbows.

All of the yearners read their poetry aloud, very superior, and rising
in the inflections. It is probable that they made a living by taking in
one another's literary washing. But they were ever so brave about their
financial misfortunes, and they could talk about the ballet Russe and
also charlotte russes in quite the nicest way. Indeed it was a pretty
sight to see them playing there on the lawn before the Mitchin mansion,
talking about the novels they were going to write and the revolutions
they were going to lead.

Had Miss Mitchin's ballet of hobohemians been tough newspapermen they
wouldn't have been drawing-cards for a tea-room. But these literary
ewe-lambs were a spectacle to charm the languishing eyes of the
spinsters who filled the Old Harbor Inn and the club-women from the
yellow water regions who were viewing the marvels of nature as displayed
on and adjacent to the ocean. Practically without exception these ladies
put vine leaves in their hair--geranium leaves, anyway--and galloped to
Miss Mitchin's, to drink tea and discuss Freud and dance the fox-trot in
a wild, free, artistic, somewhat unstandardized manner.

Because it was talked about and crowded, ordinary untutored motorists
judged Miss Mitchin's the best place to go, and permitted their wives to
drag them past the tortoise-shell spectacles and the unprostituted art
and the angular young ladies in baggy smocks breaking out in sudden
irresponsible imitations of Pavlova.

None of this subtlety, this psycho-analysis and fellowship of the arts,
was evident to the Applebys. They didn't understand the problem, "Why
is a Miss Mitchin?" All that they knew, as they dragged weary joints
down the elm-rustling road and back to the bakery on Main Street, was
that Miss Mitchin's caravanserai was intimidatingly grand--and very

They were plodding out of town again when Mother exclaimed, "Why,
Father, you forgot to get your cigarettes."

"No, I-- Oh, I been smoking too much. Do me good to lay off."

They had gone half a mile farther before she sighed: "Cigarettes don't
cost much. 'Twouldn't have hurt you to got 'em. You get 'em the very
next time we're in town--or send Katie down. I won't have you denying--"

Her voice droned away. They could think of nothing but mean economies as
they trudged the wide and magic night of the moors.

When they were home, and the familiar golden-oak chairs and tidies
blurred their memory of Miss Mitchin's crushing competition, Father
again declared that no dinky tea-pot inn could permanently rival
Mother's home-made doughnuts. But he said it faintly then, and more
faintly on the days following, for inactivity again enervated him--made
him, for the first time in his life, feel almost old.


Apparently the Applebys' customers had liked "The T Room" well
enough--some of them had complimented Mrs. Appleby on the crispness of
her doughnuts, the generousness of her chicken sandwiches. Those who had
quarreled about the thickness of the bread or the vagueness of flavor in
the tea Father had considered insulting, and he had been perky as a
fighting-sparrow in answering them. A good many must have been pleased,
for on their trip back from Provincetown they returned, exclaimed that
they remembered the view from the rose-arbor, and chatted with Father
about the roads and New York and fish. As soon as the first novelty of
Miss Mitchin's was gone, the Applebys settled down to custom which was
just large enough to keep their hopes staggering onward, and just small
enough to eat away their capital a few cents a day, instead of giving
them a profit.

In the last week of July they were visited by their daughter Lulu--Lulu
the fair, Lulu the spectacled, Lulu the lily wife of Harris Hartwig, the
up-to-date druggist of Saserkopee, New York.

Lulu had informed them two weeks beforehand that they were to be honored
with the presence of herself and her son Harry; and Father and Mother
had been unable to think of any excuse strong enough to keep her away.
Lulu wasn't unkind to her parents; rather, she was too kind; she gave
them good advice and tried to arrange Mother's hair in the coiffures
displayed by Mrs. Edward Schuyler Deflaver of Saserkopee, who gave smart
teas at the Woman's Exchange. Lulu cheerily told Father how well he was
withstanding the hand of Time, which made him feel decrepit and become

In fact, though they took it for granted that they adored their dear
daughter Lulu, they knew that they would not enjoy a single game of
cribbage, nor a single recital by Signor Sethico Applebi the mouth-organ
virtuoso, as long as she was with them. But she was coming, and Mother
frantically cleaned everything and hid her favorite old shoes.

Mrs. Lulu Hartwig arrived with a steamer-trunk, two new gowns, a camera,
and Harry. She seemed disappointed not to find a large summer hotel with
dancing and golf next door to "The T Room," and she didn't hesitate to
say that her parents would have done better--which meant that Lulu would
have enjoyed her visit more--if they had "located" at Bar Harbor or
Newport. She rearranged the furniture, but as there was nothing in the
tea-room but chairs, tables, and a fireplace, there wasn't much she
could do.

She descended on Grimsby Center, and came back enthusiastic about Miss
Mitchin's. She had met the young man with the Albanian costume, and he
had talked to her about vorticism and this jolly new Polish composer
with his suite for tom-tom and cymbals. She led Father into the arbor
and effervescently demanded, "Why don't Mother and you have a place like
that dear old mansion of Miss Mitchin's, and all those clever people
there and all?"

Father fairly snarled, "Now look here, young woman, the less you say
about Miss Mitten the more popular you'll be around here. And don't you
dare to speak to your mother about that place. It's raised the devil
with our trade, and I won't have your mother bothered with it. And if
you mean the young fellow that needs a decent pair of pantaloons by this
'Albanian costume' business, why I sh'd think you'd be ashamed to speak
of him."

"Now, Father, of course you have particularly studied artists--"

"Look here, young woman, when you used to visit us in New York, it was
all right for you to get our goats by sticking your snub nose in the air
and asking us if we'd read a lot of new-fangled books that we'd never
heard of. I'll admit that was a good way to show us how superior you
were. But this Miss Mitten place is a pretty serious proposition for us
to buck, and I absolutely forbid you to bother your mother with
mentioning it."

Father stood straight and glared at her. There was in him nothing of the
weary little man who was in awe of Miss Mitchin's. Even his daughter was
impressed. She forgot for a moment that she was Mrs. Hartwig, now, and
had the best phonograph in Saserkopee. But she took one more shot:

"All the same, it would be a good thing for you if you had some clever
people--or some society people--coming here often. It would advertise
the place as nothing else would."

"Well, we'll see about that," said Father--which meant, of course, that
he wouldn't see about it.

Lulu Hartwig was a source of agitation for two weeks. After Father's
outbreak she stopped commenting, but every day when business was light
they could feel her accusingly counting the number of customers. But she
did not become active again till the Sunday before her going.

The Applebys were sitting up-stairs, that day, holding hands and
avoiding Lulu. Below them they heard a motor-car stop, and Mother
prepared to go down and serve the tourists. The brazen, beloved voice of
Uncle Joe Tubbs of West Skipsit blared out: "Where's the folks, heh?
Tell 'em the Tubbses are here."

And Lulu's congealed voice, in answer: "I don't know whether they are at
home. If they are, who shall I tell them is calling, please?"

"Huh? Oh, well, just say the Tubbses."

"Mr. and Mrs. Tubbs?"

"Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!"

By this time Father and Mother were galloping down-stairs. They welcomed
the Tubbses with yelps of pleasure; the four of them sat in rockers on
the grass and talked about the Tubbses' boarders, and the Applebys
admired to hear that Uncle Joe now ran the car himself. But all of them
were conscious that Lulu, in a chiffon scarf and eye-glasses, was
watching them amusedly, and the Tubbses uneasily took leave in an hour,
pleading the distance back to West Skipsit.

Not till evening, when he got the chance to walk by himself on the beach
below the gravel cliffs, did Father quite realize what his daughter had
done--that, with her superior manner, she had frightened the Tubbses
away. Yet there was nothing to do about it.

Even at her departure there was a certain difficulty, for Lulu developed
a resolution to have her parents visit her at Saserkopee. Perhaps she
wished to show them in what state she now lived; or it may conceivably
be that, in her refined and determined manner, she was fond of her
parents. She kissed them repeatedly and was gone with much waving of a
handkerchief and yelps of "Now don't forget--you're you're to visit
me--be sure and write--Harry, don't stick your head out of the window,

       *       *       *       *       *

Lulu's visit had two effects upon the lives of Father and Mother. They
found that their quiet love had grown many-fold stronger, sweeter, in
the two weeks it had been denied the silly fondnesses of utterance. They
could laugh, now that there was no critic of their shy brand of humor.
Father stopped on the step and winked an immense shameless wink at
Mother, and she sighed and said, with unexpected understanding, "Yes,
I'm afraid Lulu is a little--just a leet-le bit--"

"And I reckon we won't be in such a gosh-awful hustle to visit her."

Mother was so vulgar as to grunt, "Well, I guess not!"

That evening they sat in the rose-arbor again. And had tone poems on the
mouth-organ. And dreamed that something would happen to make their
investment pay.

Another result there was of Lulu's visit. Father couldn't help
remembering her suggestion that they ought to bag a social or artistic
lion as an attraction for "The T Room." He was delighted to find that,
after weeks of vacuous worry, he had another idea.

Now that August, the height of the season, had come, he would capture
Mrs. Vance Carter herself.

Mrs. Vance Carter was the widow of the Boothbay Textile Mills millions.
She was a Winslow on her father's side, a Cabot on her mother's, and
Beacon Street was officially swept from end to end and tidied with
little pink feather dusters whenever she returned to Boston. She was so
solid that society reporters didn't dare write little items about her,
and when she was in Charleston she was invited to the Saint Cecilia
Ball. Also she was rather ignorant, rather unhappy, and completely
aimless. She and her daughter spent their summers three miles from
Grimsby Head, in an estate with a gate-house and a conservatory and a
golf course and a house with three towers and other architecture. When
America becomes a military autocracy she will be Lady Carter or the
Countess of Grimsby.

The Applebys saw her go by every day, in a landaulet with liveried
chauffeur and footman.

With breathless secrecy Father planned to entice Mrs. Vance Carter to
"The T Room." Once they had her there, she would certainly appreciate
the wholesome goodness of Mother's cooking. He imagined long intimate
conversations in which Mrs. Carter would say to him, "Mr. Appleby, I
can't tell you how much I like to get away from my French cook and enjoy
your nice old house and Mrs. Appleby's delicious homey doughnuts." It
was easy to win Mrs. Carter, in imagination. Sitting by himself in the
rose-arbor while Mother served their infrequent customers or stood at
the door unhappily watching for them, Father visualized Mrs. Carter
exclaiming over the view from the arbor, the sunset across the moors as
seen from their door--which was, Father believed, absolutely the largest
and finest sunset in the world. He even went so far as to discover in
Mrs. Vance Carter, Mrs. Cabot-Winslow-Carter, a sneaking fondness for
cribbage, which, in her exalted social position, she had had to conceal.
He saw her send the chauffeur away, and cache her lorgnette, and roll up
her sleeves, and simply wade into an orgy of cribbage, with pleasing
light refreshments of cider and cakes waiting by the fireplace. Then he
saw Mrs. Carter sending all her acquaintances to "The T Room," and the
establishment so prosperous that Miss Mitchin would come around and beg
the Applebys to enter into partnership.

Father was not such a fool as to believe all his fancies. But hadn't he
heard the most surprising tales of how friendly these great folk could
be? Why here just the other day he had been reading in the boiler-plate
innards of the _Grimsby Recorder_ how Jim Hill, the railroad king, had
dropped off at a little station in North Dakota one night, incog., and
talked for hours to the young station-master.

He was burning to do something besides helping Mother in the
kitchen--something which would save them and pull the tea-room out of
the hole. Without a word to Mother he started for Grimsby Hill, the
estate of Mrs. Vance Carter. He didn't know what he was going to do, but
he was certain that he was going to do something.

As he arrived at the long line of iron picket fence surrounding Grimsby
Hill, he saw Mrs. Carter's motor enter the gate. It seemed to be a good
omen. He hurried to the gate, peered in, then passed on. He couldn't go
and swagger past that exclusive-looking gate-house and intrude on that
sweep of rhododendron-lined private driveway. He walked shyly along the
iron fence for a quarter of a mile before he got up courage to go back,
rush through the towering iron gateway and past the gate-house, into the
sacred estate. He expected to hear a voice--it would be a cockney
servant's voice--demanding, "'Ere you, wot do you want?" But no one
stopped him; no one spoke to him; he was safe among the rhododendrons.
He clumped along as though he had important business, secretly patting
his tie into shape and smoothing his hair. Just let anybody try to stop
him! He knew what he was about! But he really didn't know what he was
about; he hadn't the slightest notion as to whether he would go up and
invite their dear cribbage-companion Mrs. Carter to come and see them or
tack up a "T Room" advertisement on the porch.

He came to a stretch of lawn, with the house and all its three towers
scowling down at him. Behind it were the edges of a group of
out-buildings. He veered around toward these. Outside the garage he saw
the chauffeur, with his livery coat off, polishing a fender. Great!
Perhaps he could persuade the chauffeur to help him. He put on what he
felt to be a New York briskness, furtively touched his tie again, and
skipped up to the chauffeur.

"Fine day!" he said, breezily, starting with the one neutral topic of
conversation in the world.

"What of it?" said the chauffeur, and went on polishing.

"Well, uh, say, I wanted to have a talk with you."

"I guess there's nothing stopping you. G'wan and have your talk. I can't
get away. The old dragon wanted to have a talk with me, too, this
morning. So did the housekeeper. Everybody does." And he polished harder
than ever.

"Ha, ha!" Which indicates Father's laughter, though actually it sounded
more like "Hick, hick!" As carelessly as he could Father observed:
"That's how it goes, all right. I know. When I was in the shoe

"Waal, waal, you don't say so, Si! Haow's the shoe business in Hyannis,

"Hyannis, hell! I've been in business in New York City, New York, for
more than forty years!"


Father felt that he had made an impression. He stuck his thumbs in his
waistcoat pockets--as he had not done these six gloomy weeks--threw out
his chest, and tried to look like Thirty-fourth and Broadway, with a
dash of Wall Street and a flavor of Fifth Avenue.

The chauffeur sighed, "Well, all I can say is that any guy that's lived
in New York that long and then comes to this God-forsaken neck of land
is a nut."

With an almost cosmic sorrow in his manner and an irritated twist in his
suspenders, the chauffeur disappeared into the garage. Father forlornly
felt that he wasn't visibly getting nearer to the heart and patronage of
Mrs. Vance Carter.

He stood alone on the cement terrace before the garage. The square grim
back of the big house didn't so much "look down on him" as beautifully
ignore him. A maid in a cap peeped wonderingly at him from a window. A
man in dun livery wheeled a vacuum cleaner out of an unexpected basement
door. An under-gardener, appearing at the corner, dragging a cultivator,
stared at him. Far off, somewhere, he heard a voice crying, "Fif' love!"
He could see a corner of a sunken garden with stiff borders of box. He
had an uneasy feeling that a whole army of unexpected servants stood
between him and Mrs. Vance Carter; that, at any moment, a fat,
side-whiskered, expensive butler, like the butlers you see in the
movies, would pop up and order him off the grounds.

The unsatisfactory chauffeur reappeared. In a panic Father urged, "Say,
my name's Appleby and I run the tea-room at Grimsby Head--you know,
couple of miles this side of the Center. It would be pretty nice for our
class of business if the Madam was to stop there some time, and I was
just wondering, just kinda wondering, if some time when she felt thirsty
you c--"

"She don't never tell me when she's thirsty. She just tells me when
she's mad."

"Well, you know, some time you might be stopping to show her the view or
something--you fix it up, and-- Here, you get yourself some cigars." He
timidly held out a two-dollar bill. It seemed to bore the chauffeur a
good deal, but he condescended to take it. Father tried to look knowing
and friendly and sophisticated all at once. He added, "Any time you feel
like a good cup o' tea and the finest home-made doughnuts you ever ate,
why, you just drop in yourself, and 'twon't cost you a cent."

"All right, 'bo, I'll see what I can do," said the chauffeur, and
vanished again.

Father airily stamped along the driveway. His head was high and
hopeful. He inspected the tennis-courts as though he were Maurice
McLoughlin. He admitted that the rhododendrons were quite extensive. In
fact, he liked Grimsby Hill.

He had saved their fortunes--not for himself, but for Mother. He
whistled "The Harum-Scarum Rag" all the way home, interrupting himself
only to murmur: "I wonder where the back door of that house is. Not at
the back, anyway. Never saw even a garbage-pail."

And then for two weeks he sat with Mother in the sun and watched the
motors go by.

They were almost ready to admit, now, that their venture was a complete
failure; that they were ruined; that they didn't know what they would
do, with no savings and a rainy day coming.

They let their maid go. They gave the grocer smaller and smaller orders
for bread and butter and cheese--and even these orders were invariably
too large for the little custom that came their way.

For a week Father concealed the fact that Mrs. Vance Carter would be
coming--not now, but very soon. Then he had to tell Mother the secret to
save her from prostrating worry. They talked always of that coming
miracle as they sat with hand desperately clutching hand in the evening;
they nearly convinced themselves that Mrs. Carter would send her
friends. September was almost here, and it was too late for Mrs.
Carter's influence to help them this year, but they trusted that
somehow, by the magic of her wealth and position, she would enable them
to get through the winter and find success during the next year.

They developed a remarkable skill in seeing her car coming far down the
road. When either of them saw it the other was summoned, and they waited
tremblingly. But the landaulet always passed, with Mrs. Carter staring
straight ahead, gray-haired and hook-nosed; sometimes with Miss Margaret
Carter, whose softly piquant little nose would in time be hooked like
her mother's. Father's treacherous ally the chauffeur never even looked
at "The T Room." Sometimes Father wondered if the chauffeur knew just
where the house was; perhaps he had never noticed it. He planned to wave
and attract the chauffeur's attention, but in face of the prodigious
Mrs. Carter he never dared to carry out the plan.

September 1st. The Applebys had given up hope of miracles. They were
making up their minds to notify Mr. Pilkings, of Pilkings & Son's Sixth
Avenue Standard Shoe Parlor, that Father again wanted the job he had
held for so many years.

They must leave the rose-arbor for the noise of that most alien of
places, their native New York.

Mother was in the kitchen; Father at the front door, aimlessly
whittling. He looked up, saw the Vance Carter motor approach. He
shrugged his shoulders, growled, "Let her go to the dickens."

Then the car had stopped, and Mrs. Vance Carter and Miss Margaret Carter
had incredibly stepped out, had started up the path to the tea-room.


Father's hand kept on aimlessly whittling, while his eyes poked out like
those of a harassed fiddler-crab when he saw Mrs. Vance Carter actually
stop. It was surely a dream. In his worry over inactivity he had found
himself falling into queer little illusions lately. He was conscious
that the chauffeur, whom he had bribed to stop some day, was winking at
him in a vulgar manner not at all appropriate to his dove-gray uniform.
He had a spasm of indignant wonder. "I'll bet a hat that fellow didn't
have a thing to do with this; he's a grafter." Then he sprang up,

Mrs. Carter rustled up to him and murmured, "May we have some tea, here,
and a cake, do you know?"

"Oh yes, ma'am! Won't you step right in? Fine day, ma'am."

Mrs. Carter seemed not to have any opinions regarding the day. Quite
right, too; it wasn't an especially fine day; just _a day_.

She marched in, gave one quick, nervous look, and said, with tremendous
politeness: "May we have this table by the window? You have such a
charming view over the cliffs."

"Oh yes, ma'am! We hoped some day you'd take that table. Kind of kept
the view for you," said Father, with panting gallantry, fairly falling
over himself as he rushed across the floor to pull out their chairs and
straighten the table-cloth.

Mrs. Carter paid no attention to him whatsoever. She drew a
spectacle-case from her small hand-bag and set upon her beetling nose a
huge pair of horn-rimmed eye-glasses. She picked up the menu-card as
though she were delicately removing a bug--supposing there to be any bug
so presumptuous as to crawl upon her smart tan suit. She raised her chin
and held the card high.

"Uh, tea, lettuce sandwiches, cream-cheese sandwiches, chicken
sandwiches, doughnuts, cinnamon toast," she read off to her daughter.

So quickly that he started, she turned on Father and demanded, "What
sort of tea have you, please?"

"Why, uh--just a minute and I'll ask."

Father bolted through the door into the large, clean, woodeny,
old-fashioned kitchen, where Mother was wearily taking a batch of
doughnuts out of the fat-kettle.

"Mother!" he exulted. "Mrs. Carter--she's here!"

Mother dropped the doughnuts back into the kettle. The splashing fat
must have burnt her, but beyond mutely wiping the grease from her hand,
she paid no attention to it. She turned paper white. "Oh, Seth!" she
groaned. Then, in agony, "After your going and getting them here, I
haven't a thing ready for them but lettuce sandwiches and fresh

"Never mind. I'll make them take those. Say, what kind of tea have we
got now?"

"Oh, dear! we haven't got a thing left but just--well, it's just tea,

He galloped back into the tea-room, frightened lest the royal patrons
leave before they were served. On the way he resolved to lie--not as the
pinching tradesman lies, smugly and unconsciously, but desperately, to
save Mother.

"We have orange pekoe and oolong," he gasped.

"Then you might give us some orange pekoe and--oh, two chicken

"Gee! I'm awfully sorry, ma'am, but we're just out of chicken
sandwiches. If we'd only known _you_ were coming-- But we have some very
nice fresh lettuce sandwiches, and I do wish you would try some of our
doughnuts. They're fresh-made, just this minute."

He clasped his hands, pressed them till the fingers of one gouged the
back of the other. Father was not a Uriah Heep. At Pilkings & Son's he
had often "talked back" to some of his best customers. But now he would
gladly have licked Mrs. Vance Carter's spatted shoes.

"No--oh, bring us some lettuce sandwiches and some orange pekoe. I don't
think we care for any doughnuts," said Mrs. Carter, impatiently.

Father bolted again, and whispered to Mother, who stood where he had
left her, "Lettuce sandwiches and tea, and for Heaven's sake make the
tea taste as much like orange pekoe as you can."

The Applebys had no delicately adjusted rule about the thickness of
bread in sandwiches. Sometimes Mother was moved to make them very
dainty, very thin and trim. But now, because he was in such a fever to
please the Carters, Father fairly slashed their last loaf of bread, and
slapped in the lettuce, while Mother was drawing tea. In two minutes he
was proudly entering with the service-tray. He set it down before the
Carters; he fussed with a crumb on the table-cloth, with the rather
faded crimson rambler in the ornate pressed-glass vase. Mrs. Carter
glanced at him impatiently. He realized that he was being officious, and
rushed away.

Mother was sitting by the wide kitchen table, which was scarred with
generations of use of cleaver and bread-knife and steak-pounder. The
kitchen door was open to the broad land, which flowed up to the sill in
a pleasant sea of waving grass. But she was turned from it, staring
apprehensively toward the tea-room. Round her swirled the heat from the
stove, and restless flies lighted on her cheek and flew off at hectic

Father tiptoed up to her, smiling. "I've left the door open wide enough
so you can see them," he whispered. "Come and take a look at them. Mrs.
Vance Carter--gee! And her daughter's a mighty pretty girl--not that I
think much of these blouses that are cut so low and all."

"Oh, I wouldn't dare--"

Mother stopped short. Quiet as they were, they could distinctly hear
the voices from the other room.

The Carter girl--she who was known as "Pig Carter" at Miss Severance's
school--was snapping, "What in the world ever made you come to this
frightful hole, mama?"

"Simply because I wanted to stop some place, and I really can't stand
that mincing Miss Mitchin and her half-baked yearners and that odious
creature with the beard and the ballet skirt, again."

"At least Mitchin's shop is better than this awful place. Why, this
might be one of those railroad lunch-rooms you see from a train."

"I'm not so sure this really is worse than the Mitchin creature's zoo,
Marky. At least this is a perfect study in what not to do. I fancy it
would be a good thing for every interior decorator to come here and
learn what to avoid. And, you know, they really might have done
something with this place--rather a decent old house, with a good plain
fireplace. But then, any one could make a charming room, and only a
genius could have imagined this combination--an oak dining-room chair
with a wicker table and a cotton table-cloth. I'm sure that Exhibition
of Bad Taste--wasn't it? I don't pore over the newspapers as you
do--that they held in New York would have been charmed to secure that
picture of the kittens and the infant."

All this, conveyed in the Carters' clear, high-bred voices, Father and
Mother heard perfectly.... The picture of kittens and a baby they had
bought just after Lulu's birth, and it had always hung above the couch
in their living-room in New York.

Margaret Carter was continuing: "I don't mind the bad taste a bit, but I
was hungry after motoring all day, almost, and I did want a decent tea.
If you could see that horrid Victorian drawing-room at Miss Severance's
you could stand even sticky kitties--in a picture. I don't care about
the interior decoration as long as Marky's little interior gets
decorated decently. But this tea is simply terrible. Orange pekoe! Why,
even Miss Severance's horrid Ceylon is better than this, and she does
give you cream, instead of this milk of magnesia or soapy water or
whatever the beastly stuff is. And to have to drink it out of these
horrid thick cups--like toothbrush mugs. I'm sure I'll find a chewed-up
old toothbrush when I get to the bottom."

"Don't be vulgar, Marky. You might remember this is Massachusetts, not
New York."

"Well, this Massachusetts lettuce--I'm perfectly convinced that they
used it for floor-rags before they went and lost it in the
sandwiches--and this thick crumby bread--oh, it's unspeakable. I do wish
you wouldn't poke around in these horrid places, mama, or else leave me
in the car when you are moved to go slumming. I'm sure I don't feel any
call to uplift the poor."

"My dear child, I seem to remember your admiring Freddy Dabney because
he is so heroically poor. It's very good for you to come to a place like
this. Now you know what it's like to be poor, Marky. You can see
precisely how romantic it really is."

"Oh, I'll admit Marky is a perfect little devil. But I do want you to
observe that she's been brave enough to eat part of her sandwich. Let's
go. Where is the nice smiling little man? Let's pay our bill and go."

Twenty feet from the bored Carters was tragedy. Gray-faced, dumb, Father
stood by Mother's chair, stroking her dull hair as she laid her head on
the crude kitchen table and sobbed. Mechanically, back and forth, back
and forth, his hand passed over her dear, comfortable head, while he
listened, even as, on the stairs to the guillotine, a gallant gentleman
of old France might have caressed his marquise.

"Mother--" he began. It was hard to say anything when there was nothing
to say. "It's all right. They're just silly snobs. They--"

Yes, the Applebys could not understand every detail of what the
well-bred Carters had said. "Interior decoration"--that didn't mean
anything to them. All that they understood was that they were fools and
failures, in the beginning of their old age; that they belonged to the
quite ludicrously inefficient.

Father realized, presently, that the Carters were waiting for their
bill. For a minute more he stroked Mother's hair. If the Carters would
only go from this place they had desecrated, and take their damned money
with them! But he had been trained by years of dealing with
self-satisfied people in a shoe-store at least to make an effort to
conceal his feelings. He dragged himself into the tea-room, kept himself
waiting with expressionless face till Mrs. Carter murmured:

"The bill, please?"

Tonelessly he said, "Thirty cents."

Mrs. Carter took out, not three, but four dimes--four nice, shiny, new
dimes; she sometimes said at her bank that really she couldn't touch
soiled money. She dropped them on the table-cloth, and went modestly on
her way, an honorable, clever, rather kindly and unhappy woman who had
just committed murder.

Father picked up the ten-cent tip. With loathing he threw it in the
fireplace. Then went, knelt down, and picked it out again. Mother would
need all the money he could get for her in the coming wintry days of
failure--failure he himself had brought upon her.


Having once admitted hopelessness, it was humanly natural that they
should again hope that they hoped. For perhaps two weeks after the
Carters' visit they pretended that the tea-room was open, and they did
have six or seven customers. But late in September Father got his
courage up, took out the family pen and bottle of ink, the tablet of
ruled stationery and a stamped-envelope, and wrote to Mr. J. Pilkings
that he wanted his shoe-store job back.

When he had mailed the letter he told Mother. She sighed and said, "Yes,
that is better, after all."

An Indian summer of happiness came over them. They were going back to
security. Again Father played the mouth-organ a little, and they talked
of the familiar city places they would see. They would enjoy the
movies--weeks since they had seen a movie! And they would have, Father
chucklingly declared, "a bang-up dinner at Bomberghof Terrace, with
music, and yes, by Jiminy! and cocktails!"

For a week he awaited an answer, waited anxiously, though he kept
reassuring himself that old Pilkings had promised to keep the job open
for him. He received a reply. But it was from Pilkings's son. It
informed him that Pilkings, _père_, was rather ill, with grippe, and
that until he recovered "no action can be taken regarding your valued
proposition in letter of recent date."

Bewildered, incredulous, Father had a flash of understanding that he,
who felt himself so young and fit, was already discarded.

Mother sat across the kitchen table from him, pretending to read the
_Grimsby Recorder_, but really watching him.

He held his forehead, looked dizzy, and let the letter slip from his
fingers. "I--uh--" he groaned. "I-- Is there anything I can do for you
around the house?"

"Tell me--what did the letter say?"

"Oh, Mother, Mother, maybe I won't get my job back at all! I honestly
don't know what we can do."

Running to her, he hid his face in her lap--he, the head of the family,
the imperturbable adventurer, changed to a child. And Mother, she who
had always looked to him for inspiration, was indeed the mother now. She
stroked his cheek, she cried, "Never mind--'course you'll get it back,
or a better one!" She made fun of his tousled hair till she had him
ruefully smiling. Her voice had a crisp briskness which it had lacked in
the days when she had brooded in the flat and waited for her man.

Father could not face another indefinite period of such inactivity as
had been sapping him all summer. He longed for the dusty drudgery of
Pilkings & Son's; longed to be busy all day, and to bring home news--and
money--to Mother at night.

Aside from his personal desires, what were they going to do? They had
left, in actual money, less than fifty dollars.

Father did not become querulous, but day by day he became more dependent
on Mother's cheer as October opened, as chilly rains began to shut them
in the house. When she was not busy, and he was not cutting wood or
forlornly pecking away at useless cleanings of the cold and empty
tea-room, they talked of what they would do. Father had wild plans of
dashing down to New York, of seeing young Pilkings, of getting work in
some other shoe-store. But he knew very little about other stores. He
was not so much a shoe-clerk as a Pilkings clerk. It had been as
important a part of his duties, these many years, to know what to say to
Mr. Pilkings as to know what to show to customers. Surely when Pilkings,
senior, was well he would remember his offer to keep the job open.

Mother cautiously began to suggest her plan. She spoke fondly of their
daughter Lulu, of their grandson Harry, of how estimable and upright a
citizen was their son-in-law, Mr. Harris Hartwig of Saserkopee, New
York. As Father knew none of these suggestions to have any factual basis
whatever his clear little mind was bored by them. Then, after a stormy
evening when the fire was warm and they had cheered up enough to play
cribbage, Mother suddenly plumped out her plan--to go to Saserkopee and
live with daughter till something turned up.

Father shrank. He crouched in his chair, a wizened, frightened, unhappy,
oldish man. "No, no, no, no!" he cried. "She is a good girl, but she
would badger us to death. She wouldn't let us do one single thing our
way. She always acts as though she wanted to make you all over, and I
love you the way you are. I'd rather get a job cooking on a fishing
schooner than do that."

But he knew Mother's way of sticking to an idea, and he began to
persuade himself that Saserkopee was a haven of refuge. Whenever they
seemed to be having a peaceful discussion of Lulu Hartwig's
canary-yellow sweater, they were hearing her voice, wondering if they
could tolerate its twangy comments the rest of their lives.

If the weather was clear they sat out in the rose-arbor as though they
were soon to lose it. The roses were dead, now, but a bank of purple
asters glowed by the laurel-bushes, and in the garden plucky pansies
withstood the chill. They tried to keep up a pretense of happiness, but
always they were listening--listening.

There were two or three October days when the sea was blue and silver,
sharply and brightly outlined against the far skyline where the deep
blue heavens modulated to a filmy turquoise. Gulls followed the furrows
of the breakers. Father and Mother paced the edge of the cliff or sat
sun-refreshed in the beloved arbor. Then a day of iron sea, cruelly
steel-bright on one side and sullenly black on the other, with broken
rolling clouds, and sand whisking along the dunes in shallow eddies;
rain coming and the breakers pounding in with a terrifying roar and the
menace of illimitable power. Father gathered piles of pine-knots for the
fire, whistling as he hacked at them with a dull hatchet--trimming them,
not because it was necessary, but because it gave him something
energetic to do. Whenever he came into the kitchen with an armful of
them he found Mother standing at the window, anxiously watching the
flurries of sand and rain.

"Be a fine night to sit by the fire," he chirruped. "Guess we'll get out
the old mouth-organ and have a little band-concert, admission five
bucks, eh?" Something of the old command was in his voice. Mother
actually needed his comfort against the black hours of storm!

Though they used a very prosaic stove for cooking, the old farm-house
fireplace still filled half the back of the kitchen, and this had become
the center of their house. Neither of them could abide the echoing
emptiness and shabby grandeur of the tea-room. Before the fireplace
they sat, after a supper at which Father had made much of enjoying fish
chowder, though they had had it four times in eight days. Cheaper. And
very nourishing.

The shutters banged, sand crashed against the panes, rain leaked in a
steady drip down one corner of the room, and the sea smashed
unceasingly. But Father played "My Gal's a High-born Lady" and "Any
Little Girl That's a Nice Little Girl Is the Right Little Girl for Me,"
and other silly, cheerful melodies which even the hand-organs had

There was a sense of glaring mounting light through the window which
gave on the cliff.

"I wonder what that is," Mother shuddered. "It's like a big fire. I
declare it seems as though the whole world was coming to an end
to-night." She turned from the window and shivered over the embers, in
her golden-oak rocker which Father had filled with cushions.

He kissed her boyishly and trotted over to the window. The fact that
they were alone against the elements, with no apartment-house full of
people to share the tumultuous night, weakened her, but delighted him.
He cried out, with a feeling of dramatic joy.

There was a fire below, on the beach, where there should be nothing but
sand and the terror of the storm. The outer edge of the cliff was
outlined by the light.

"It's a wreck!" he whooped. "It's the life-savers! Mother, I'm going
down. Maybe there's something I can do. I want to do something again!
Maybe some poor devil coming ashore in the breeches buoy--help him
ashore-- Don't suppose I could row--"

He darted at the closet and yanked out his ineffectual city raincoat and
rubbers, and the dreary wreck of what had once been his pert new
vacation traveling-cap.

"No, no, don't, please don't!" Mother begged. "You couldn't do anything,
and I don't dast to go out--and I'm afraid to stay here alone."

But Father was putting on his raincoat. "I'll just run down and see--be
right back."

"Don't go a step farther than the top of the cliff," she wailed.

He hesitated. He wanted, more than anything else in the world, to be in
the midst of heroic effort. The gods had set the stage for epic action
that night, and his spirit was big with desire for bigness. It was very
hard to promise to put goloshes upon his winged feet.

But Mother held out her hands. "Oh, I need you, Seth. You'll stay near
me, won't you?"

There may have been lordly deeds in the surf that night--men gambling
their lives to save strangers and aliens. One deed there certainly
was--though the movies, which are our modern minstrelsy, will never
portray it. While he strained with longing to go down and show himself a
man--not just a scullion in an unsuccessful tea-room--Father stood on
the edge of the cliff and watched the life-savers launch the boat, saw
them disappear from the radius of the calcium carbide beach-light into
the spume of surf. He didn't even wait to see them return. Mother needed
him, and he trotted back to tell her all about it.

They went happily to bed, and she slept with her head cuddled on his
left shoulder, his left arm protectingly about her.

It was still raining when they awoke, a weary, whining drizzle. And
Father was still virile with desire of heroism. He scampered out to see
what he could of the wreck.

He returned, suddenly. His voice was low and unhappy as he demanded,
"Oh, Mother, it's-- Come and see."

He led her to the kitchen door and round the corner of the house. The
beloved rose-arbor had been wrecked by the storm. The lattice-work was
smashed. The gray bare stems of the crimson ramblers drooped drearily
into a sullen puddle. The green settee was smeared with splashed mud.

"They couldn't even leave us that," Father wailed, in the voice of a man
broken. "Oh yes, yes, yes, I'll go to Lulu's with you. But we won't
stay. Will we! I will fight again. I did have a little gumption left
last night, didn't I? Didn't I? But--but we'll go there for a while."


"Doggonit, I liked that cap. It was a good one," said Father, in a tone
of settled melancholy.

"Well, it wa'n't much of a cap," said Mother, "but I do know how you

They sat in their tremendously varnished and steam-heated room on the
second floor of daughter Lulu's house, and found some occupation in
being gloomy. For ten days now they had been her guests. Lulu had
received them with bright excitement and announced that they needn't
ever do any more work, and were ever so welcome--and then she had
started to reform them. It may seem a mystery as to why a woman whose
soul was composed of vinegar and chicken feathers, as was Lulu Appleby
Hartwig's, should have wanted her parents to stay with her. Perhaps she
liked them. One does find such anomalies. Anyway, she condescendingly
bought them new hats. And her husband, a large, heavy-blooded man, made
lumbering jokes at their expense, and expected them to laugh.

"The old boy still likes to play the mouth-organ--nothing like these old
codgers for thinking they're still kids," Mr. Hartwig puffed at dinner,
then banged his fist and laughed rollingly. He seemed surprised when
Father merely flushed and tightened his tie. For all his gross body, Mr.
Hartwig was sensitive--so sensitive that he was hurt when people didn't
see the humor of his little sallies.

The Hartwigs' modest residence was the last word in cement and small
useless side-tables and all modern inconveniences. The furnace heat made
you sneeze, and the chairs, which were large and tufted, creaked. In the
dining-room was an electrolier made of seven kinds of inimical colored
glass, and a plate-rack from which were hung department-store steins. On
the parlor table was a kodak album with views of Harry in every stage of
absurdity. There was a small car which Mr. Hartwig drove himself. And
there was a bright, easy, incredibly dull social life; neighbors who
went out to the country club to watch the tennis in summer, and played
"five hundred" every Saturday evening in the winter.

Like a vast proportion of the inhabitants of that lonely city, New York,
the Applebys were unused to society. It is hard to tell which afflicted
them more--sitting all day in their immaculate plastered and varnished
room with nothing useful to do or being dragged into the midst of
chattering neighbors who treated them respectfully, as though they were

Mother begged daughter to be permitted to dust or make beds; Father
suggested that he might rake the lawn. But Lulu waggled her stringy
forefinger at them and bubbled, "No, no! What would the neighbors think?
Don't you suppose that we can afford to have you dear old people take a
rest? Why, Harris would be awfully angry if he saw you out puttering
around, Father. No, you just sit and have a good rest."

And then, when they had composed to a spurious sort of rest the hands
that were aching for activity, the Applebys would be dragged out, taken
to teas, shown off, with their well-set-up backs and handsome heads, as
Lulu's aristocratic parents.

"My father has been a prominent business man in New York for many years,
you know," she would confide to neighbors.

While the prominent business man longed to be sitting on a foolish stool
trying shoes on a fussy old lady.

But what could he do? In actual cash Mother and he had less than seven
dollars in the world.

By the end of two weeks Father and Mother were slowly going mad with the
quiet of their room, and Lulu was getting a little tired of her
experiment in having a visible parental background. She began to let
Mother do the sock-darning--huge uninteresting piles of Harris Hartwig's
faded mustard-colored cotton socks, and she snapped at Father when he
was restlessly prowling about the house, "My head aches so, I'm sure
it's going to be a sick headache, and I do think you might let me have a
nap instead of tramping and tramping till my nerves get so frazzled that
I could just shriek."

With this slight damming of her flowing fount of filial love, Lulu
combined a desire to have them appear as features at a musicale she was
to give, come Saturday evening. Mother was to be in a "dear ducky lace
cap" and Father in a frilled shirt and a long-tailed coat which Harris
Hartwig had once worn in theatricals, the two of them presiding at the
refreshments table.

"Like a prize Persian cat and a pet monkey," Father said.

Against this indignity they frettingly rebelled. Father snarled, "Good
Lord! I'm not much older than your precious dumpling of a Harris." It
was the snarl of a caged animal. Lulu had them; she merely felt
misunderstood when they protested.

Friday morning. The musicale was coming next day, and Lulu had already
rehearsed them in their position as refreshment ornaments. Father had
boldly refused to wear the nice, good frilled shirt and "movie-actor
coat" during the rehearsal.

"Very well," said Lulu, "but you will to-morrow evening."

Father wasn't sure whether Lulu would use an ax or chloroform or tears
on him, but he was gloomily certain that she would have him in the
shameless garments on Saturday evening.

There was a letter for him on the ten o'clock morning mail. He didn't
receive many letters--one a month from Joe Tubbs relating diverting
scandal about perfectly respectable neighbors, or an occasional note
from Cousin George Henry of Stamford. Lulu was acutely curious regarding
it; she almost smelled it, with that quivering sharp-pointed nose of
hers that could tell for hours afterward whether Father had been smoking
"those nasty, undignified little cigarettes--why don't you smoke the
handsome brier pipe that Harris gave you?" She brightly commented that
the letter was from Boston. But Father didn't follow her lead. He
defensively tucked the letter in his inside coat pocket and trotted
up-stairs to read it to Mother.

It was from the Boston agency in whose hands he had left the disposal of
the tea-room lease and of their furniture. The agency had, they wrote,
managed to break the lease, and they had disposed of the tables and
chairs and some of the china. They inclosed a check for twenty-eight

With the six dollars and eighty-three cents left from their capital the
Applebys were the possessors of almost thirty-five dollars!

"Gee! if we only had two or three times that amount we could run away
and start again in New York, and not let Lulu make us over into a darned
old elderly couple!" Father exulted.

"Yes," sighed Mother. "You know and I know what a fine, sweet, womanly
woman Lulu has become, but I do wish she hadn't gone and set her heart
on my wearing that lace cap. My lands! makes me feel so old I just don't
know myself."

"And me with a granddaddy outfit! Why, I never will dast to go out on
the streets again," complained Father. "I never did hear of such a thing
before; they making us old, and we begging for a chance to be young, and
sitting here and sitting here, and--"

He looked about their room, from the broad window with its resolutely
stiff starched net curtains to the very new bureau and the brass bed
that looked as though no one had ever dared to sleep in it. He kicked at
one of the dollar-ninety-eight-cent rugs and glared at the expanse of
smirkingly clean plaster, decorated with an English sporting print
composed by an artist who was neither English nor sporting.

"Say," continued Father, "I don't like this room. It's too--clean. I
don't dast to wear slippers in it."

"Why, Father, it's a nice room!" marveled Mother. Then, with an outburst
of frankness: "Neither do I! It feels like I never could loosen my stays
and read the funnies in the last night's paper. Oh, you needn't to look
at me so! Many's the time I did that when you were away at the store and
I didn't have to sit up and look respectable."

They laughed, both of them, with tender tears. He came to sit on the arm
of her rocker and pat her hand.

He said, quietly, very quietly indeed: "Mother, we're getting to be real
adventurous. Nothing very old about us, I guess! We're going to sneak
right smack out of this house, this very day, and run away to New York,
and I'll get a job and we'll stick right there in little old New York
for the rest of our lives, so help me Bob!"

"Yes," she said, "yes. I'd like to. But what--uh--what lie could we tell

"Why, Mother, how you talk! Do you know what St. Peter would say to you
if he heard you talk about lying? He'd up and jam his halo down over his
ears and he'd say, 'You can't come in here, Sarah Jane Appleby. You're a
liar. And you know what you can do, don't you? You can go--'"

"Now you see here, Seth Appleby, I just won't have you cursing and
swearing and being sacrilegious. I sh'd think you'd be ashamed, man of
your age that ought to know better, acting up like a young smarty and
cursing and swearing and--"

"And cursing and swearing. Don't forget to put that in, Mother."

He was delighted. It was the first time since September that Mother had
scolded him. She was coming back to life again. He tickled her under the
chin till she slapped viciously at his finger, then he crowed like a
rooster till a shame-faced smile chased away her lively old-dame wrath
and, shaking her head with a pretense of disgust, she said, comfortably,
"I declare I never did see such a man, not in all my born days." She let
him take her hand again, and their expression, half smiles, half musing,
was like the sunshine of a calm late afternoon. They were happy. For
they knew that, as soon as they should have debated and worried and
planned and fussed in a manner appropriate to the great event, they
would run away from the overheated respectability of "Lulu's pretty
little home."

With enough agony of literary effort to have composed a war article and
a column of Household Hints, they sinfully devised a letter for Lulu in
which they stated that "a dear old friend, you would not remember him
as we have met him since you were married, writes us from Boston that he
is sick, and we are going to him, we are stealing out this way because
we don't want you to trouble about it, with party coming on to-morrow
even'g, know you are so kind you would take all sort of trouble if knew
we were going, so just slip away & hope party is great success, Your
loving Father & Mother. P.S., May not be back for some time as friend
may need us."

In the wreck of their fortunes the Applebys had lost their own
furniture, down to the last beloved picture. They had only a suit-case
and a steamer-trunk, the highly modern steamer-trunk which Father had
once bought for a vacation trip to West Skipsit and the Tubbses. But it
required manoeuvering to get even this light baggage to the station.

Mother went nosing about till she discovered that Lulu was going calling
that afternoon. Father hired an expressman, who was to be ready to come
the instant he telephoned.

Lulu went out at three, and Father stole down-stairs to telephone. But
the maid had taken a fancy to dusting the living-room, where the
telephone lived. In all her domestic history the maid had never done
that before--attest many sarcastic remarks of Lulu.

They had planned to catch the four-o'clock train for New York. Half-past
three now. The maid was polishing the silver in the dining-room, which
was separated from the living-room only by an open arch. Father dared
not telephone, lest she instantly send for Lulu.

Mother tiptoed down and the runaways plotted in whispers. Upon which
conspiracy Lulu brightly entered through the front door.

For a second Father had a wild, courageous desire to do the natural
thing, to tell Lulu that they were going. But he quailed as Lulu
demanded: "Have you tried on the coat and frilled shirt for to-morrow
evening yet, papa? You know there may have to be some alterations in
them. I'm sure mama won't mind making them, will you, mama! Oh, you two
will be so cute and dear, I know everybody will love you, and it will
give such a homey, old-fashioned touch that--"

"No, I haven't tried it on yet, and I ain't sure I'm a-going--" Father
gallantly attempted.

Lulu glared at him and said, in a voice of honey and aloes, "I'm sure,
papa dear, I don't ask very much of you, and when I do ask just this
one little thing that I'm sure anybody else would be glad to help me
with and me doing my very best to make you happy--"

No! No, no! Father didn't tell her they were going to New York. He was
glad enough to escape up-stairs without having the monkey coat tried on
him by force.

Their suit case and steamer-trunk stood betrayingly in the middle of the
room. With panting anxiety, heaving and puffing, the two domestic
anarchists lifted the steamer-trunk, slipped it under the bed and kicked
the suit-case into the closet, and sat down to wait for the next train
to New York, which left at eleven P. M.

At dinner--such a jolly family dinner, with Mr. Hartwig carving and
emitting little jokes, with Harry whining about his homework and Lulu
telling the maid what an asphyxiated fool she was to have roasted the
lamb too long-- Father was highly elaborate in his descriptions of how
he had tried on the tail-coat and found it to be a superb fit. As the
coat was the personal theatricals-equipment of Mr. Harris Hartwig, who
was shaped like the dome of the county court-house, Lulu looked
suspicious, but Harry was discovered making bread pills, and she was so
engaged in telling him what she thought--Lord, what a thinker the little
woman was!--that she forgot to follow the subject.

Out of this life of roast lamb and lies, domesticity and evasions, the
Applebys plunged into a tremor of rebellious plotting. They sat in their
room, waiting for the Hartwigs to go to bed. Every five minutes Father
tiptoed to the door and listened.

At five minutes past ten he shook his fingers with joy. He heard the
Hartwig family discursively lumbering up to bed. He stood at the door,
unmoving, till the house was quiet, while Mother nervously hung their
farewell note on the electric light, and slipped into her overcoat and
the small black hat that was no longer new and would scarce be
impressive to Matilda Tubbs now.

They had decided to abandon the steamer-trunk, though Mother made a
bundle of the more necessary things. The second the house was quiet
Father was ready. He didn't even have to put on an overcoat--he hadn't
any worth putting on. His old overcoat had finally gone to seed and was
the chief thing abandoned with the steamer-trunk. He turned up his
coat-collar and slung his muffler about his neck, put his brown
slouch-hat impudently on one side of his white head, and stood
rejuvenated, an adventurer.

Just below their window was the roof of the low garage, which was built
as part of the house. Father opened the window, eased out the suit-case,
followed it, and gave his hand to Mother, who creakingly crawled out
with her bundle. It was an early November evening, chilly, a mist in the
air. After their day in the enervating furnace heat the breeze seemed
biting, and the garage roof was perilously slippery. Mother slid and
balanced and slid on the roof, irritably observing, "I declare to
goodness I never thought that at my time of life I'd have to sneak out
of a window on to a nasty slippery shed-roof, like a thief in the night,
when I wanted to go a-visiting."

"H'sh!" demanded Father. "They'll hear us and lug us back."

"Back nothing!" snapped Mother. "Now that I've been and gone and
actually snook out of a window and made a common gallivanting old hex
out of myself this way, I wouldn't come back not if Lulu and Harry and
that lump of a Harris Hartwig was all a-hanging on to my pettiskirts and
trying to haul me back."


This last sound was made by the soft mud beside the garage as Mother
landed in it. She had jumped from the roof without once hesitating, and
she picked up her bundle and waited quite calmly till Father came flying
frog-like through the mist.

They hadn't many minutes to wait for the New York train, but they were
anxious minutes. Lest Lulu or the lordly Harris Hartwig descend on them,
they nervously lurked in the dark doorway of the baggage-room. With no
overcoat, Father shivered--and hid the shiver.

The engine came, glaring in through the mist; the train seemed
impatient, enormous, dwarfing the small station. The prodigal parents
hastily tugged suit-case and bundle aboard. They found a seat together.
They fussily tucked away their luggage. He held her hand firmly,
concealing the two hands with a fold of her overcoat.... You have seen
old folk, quite simple and rustic old folk who are apparently unused to
travel, sit motionless for hour after hour of train-travel, and you have
fancied that they were unconscious of life, of speed, of wonder? So sat
Father and Mother, but they were gloriously conscious of each other,
and now and then, when he was sure that no one was looking, he
whispered: "Old honey, there's nothing holding us apart now no more.
We're partners again, and Lord! how we'll fight! I'll go in and I'll
take Pilkings's business clean away from him, I will! Old honey, we're
free again! And we're going to see--New York! Lord! I just can't believe

"Yes--why--why, it's our real honeymoon!"

Not till they had ridden for an hour did she demand, "Seth, what _are_
we going to do in New York?"

"Why, fiddle! I swear I don't know! But--we'll find something. I guess
if we can bamboozle a modern fash'nable daughter we won't be afraid of
just New York."


Till four in the morning the Applebys sat unmoving, awake and happy.
When the train passed the row on row of apartment-houses that mean New
York no youngster first seeing the infinitely possible city, and the
future glory it must hold for him, was ever more excited than the
invading Innocents.


With twenty-seven dollars as capital, and a bundle of garments of rather
uncertain style as baggage, and the pawn-ticket for a rather good
suit-case as insurance, Mr. and Mrs. Seth Appleby established themselves
in a "furnished housekeeping room" on Avenue B, and prepared to
reconquer New York. It was youth's hopeful sally. They had everything to
gain. Yet they were irretrievably past sixty.

You may for many years have been a New-Yorker, yet not know Avenue B,
where Jewish apartment-houses and bakeries are sullenly held back by the
gas-house district and three-story houses of muddy halls and furtive
people who have lost ambition. The genus "furnished housekeeping room"
is a filthy box with a stove, a table, a bed, a few seats, many
cockroaches, and from one to twenty people, all thrown in and shaken up,
like a grab-bag. Here in this world of tired and beaten slinkers the
Innocents, with their fresh faces and kindly eyes, excitedly made
themselves another home.

With carbolic acid and soap Mother cleaned away much of the smell of
former inhabitants, while Father propped up the rusty stove with a
couple of bricks, and covered the drably patternless wall-paper with
pictures cut from old magazines, which he bought at two for five cents
on Fourteenth Street. One of them was a chromo of a child playing with
kittens, which reminded him of the picture they had had in more
prosperous days. Mother furiously polished the battered knives and
forks, and arranged the chipped china on shelves covered with fresh pink
scalloped paper. When she was away Father secretly pursued the vulgar
but socially conscious sport of killing cockroaches with a slipper.

As the Applebys passed along the hopeless streets, past shops lighted
with single gas-jets, or through halls where suspicious women in frowsy
wrappers peered at them, they were silent. But in their one room they
were hopeful again, and they celebrated its redecoration with music
energetically performed by Father on the mouth-organ. Also they ventured
to go out to dinner, in a real restaurant of the great city, their
city. On Fourteenth Street was a noble inn where the menu was printed in
English and Hungarian, where for thirty-five cents each they had soup
and goulash and coffee and pudding in three colors, chloroformed beets
and vast, pale, uneasy-looking pickles, electric lights in red globes
and a tinseled ceiling hung with artificial flowers, the music of a
violin and the sight of eager city faces.

"I'm as excited as a boy with his first pair of red-top boots," declared
Father. "Pretty fine to see people again, heh? And pretty soon we'll be
dining at the Wal-dorf-As-torya, heh?"

"How you do run on!" said Mother, mechanically, placid dreaminess in her
face as she listened to the violin that like a river bore the flotsam of
Hungarian and Jewish voices.

Alone, jobless, yet they were so recklessly happy that they went to a
ten-cent movie and watched the extreme heroism of a young district
attorney with the motionless eager credulity of the simple-hearted.

As soon as they had installed themselves, Father edged shyly into his
old haunt, the shoe-store of Pilkings & Son.

He found Son brusquely directing the cleaning out of an old stock of
hunting-boots which Pilkings, _père_, had always believed would sell.

Pilkings, _fils_, was bald, and narrow between the eyes. He looked at
Father and nodded as though it hurt him.

"I-- Is your father around, Mr. Edward?" Father inquired. "I didn't hear
from you again--been waiting--thought maybe I'd get a letter--I hope he
has recovered--I know how bad the grippe--"

While he was talking he realized that Edward Pilkings was in mourning.

Young Pilkings looked shallowly grieved and muttered, "The old gentleman
passed beyond, a week ago Thursday."

"Oh, Mr. Edward, I can't tell you-- It's a blow to me, a very great
blow. I was with your father for so many, many years."

"Yes--uh-- Yes."

"Is there-- I wonder if I couldn't send a letter or some flowers or
something to your mother?"

"Why, yes, I guess there's nothing to prevent.... Boy, you be careful of
those boxes! What the deuce do you think you're trying to do? There,
that's a little better. Try to show some sense about your work, even if
you ain't got any." Edward Pilkings's voice crackled like wood in a

Desperately Father tried again. "Fact is, Mr. Edward, I've given up my
tea-room on Cape Cod. Didn't go so very well. I guess my forty, like the
fellow says, is sticking to selling shoes. Mrs. Appleby and I have just
got back to town and got settled down and-- Fact is, I'd be glad to go
back to work."

His hesitant manner invited refusal. It was evident that Mr. Edward
Pilkings was not interested.

Shyly Father added, "You know your father promised to keep a place open
for me."

"Well, now, I'll tell you, Appleby; it ain't that you aren't a good
salesman, but just _now_ I'm--well, kind of reorganizing the business. I
sort of feel the establishment ought to have a little more pep in it,
and so-- You see-- But you leave your address and as soon as anything
turns up I'll be mighty glad to let you know."

For years Father had pityingly heard applicants for jobs disposed of
with the request to "leave their addresses."

"No," he said; "no, maybe I'll come in and see you again some day. Good
day. Good luck to you, Mr. Edward."

He greeted his old acquaintances among the clerks. They were cordial,
but they kept an eye on Mr. Edward Pilkings.

He shivered as he walked out. It was warm and busy in the shoe-store,
but outside it was rather chilly for a man with no overcoat--or job. It
seemed incredible that he should have found his one place of refuge
closed to him.

He walked from shoe-store to shoe-store, hopelessly. "Old-fashioned
place," the shoe-men said when he mentioned his experience with Pilkings
& Son's. "Be glad to do what we can for you, Mr. Appleby, but just

He had reached the department-store section. Already the holiday rush
had begun. Holly was in the windows; Salvation Army solicitors tinkled
irritating bells on every corner.

Department stores had always rather bewildered this man of small
business, but he inquired for the help-employment bureau in the largest
of them, and his shyness disappeared as he found a long line of
applicants filling out blanks. Here he did not have to plead with some
one man for the chance to work. He was handled quickly and efficiently.
On a blank he gave his age, his experience, how much he expected; and a
brisk, impersonal clerk told him to return next day.

On that next day the world became wonderful for Father, wonderful and
young again, for some one did actually want him. He had a temporary
holiday-help job in the leather-goods department, at eight dollars a

       *       *       *       *       *

Father's first day of work in the leather-goods department was the most
difficult he had ever known. His knowledge of shoes and leather had
become purely mechanical; a few glances at new stock and at trade
journals had kept him aware of changing styles. Now he had suddenly to
become omniscient in regard to hand-bags, portfolios, writing-cases,
music-rolls; learn leathers which he had never handled--cobra-seal,
walrus, écrasé, monkey-skin. He had to appear placidly official, almost
pontifical, when vague ladies appeared, poked clippings from holiday
magazines at him, and demanded, "I want something like that." "That"
usually depicted articles of whose use he had the most indefinite
notions. Other ladies, ponderous ladies, who wanted vast quantities of
free advice before purchasing Christmas presents, desired encyclopedic
information about sewing-cases, picnic-sets, traveling pillow-cases,
telephone-pads, guest-books, and "a cover for my Social Register, and I
want you to be sure it's the very latest thing."

He was defenseless. He could not dodge them. Anybody could come up and
ask him anything--and did. And while he could learn something about the
new leathers, still it was difficult for him to remember the Long Island
Railroad time-table well enough to reply instantly when an irate shopper
snapped at him, "Do you know what's the next train for Hempstead?"

The most _difficile_ woman in a shoe-store has at least a definite,
tangible foot to fit. But the holiday crowd were buying presents for
persons of whom Father knew nothing--though the shoppers expected him to
know everything, from the sizes of their wrists to their tastes in
bill-folds. They haggled and pushed and crowded; they wanted it to be
less expensive, as well as more blessed, to give than to receive. He
spent twenty minutes in showing the entire line of diaries to one woman.
She apparently desired to make sure that they were all of them moral or
something of the sort. At the end of the time she sighed, "Oh dear, it
isn't time for the matinée even yet. Shopping is so hard." And oozed
away into the crowd.

Father had started his first day with a superior manner of knowing all
about leather and the ways of cranky customers. He ended it with a
depressed feeling that he knew nothing about anything, that he couldn't
keep up the holiday pace of the younger clerks--and that the assistant
buyer of the department had been watching him. He walked home with
strained, weary shoulders, but as he turned into the gloomy hallway
leading to their room he artificially brightened his expression, that he
might bring joy home to Mother, who would have been lonely and anxious
and waiting all day.

He pictured her as sitting there, hunched up, depressed. He would bounce
in with news of a good day. He tried the door carefully. Mother stood in
the middle of the floor, in a dream. In the dimness of the room the coal
fire shone through the front draught of the stove, and threw a faint
rose on her crossed hands. Taller she seemed, and more commanding. Her
head was back, her eyes sparkling. She was clean-cut and strong against
the unkempt walls.

"Why, Mother! You look so happy! What is it?"

"I'm going to help! I'm not going to be a lazybones. I've got a job,
too! In the toy-department at Regalberg's. And they are going to pay me
nine dollars a week. How's that for your stupid old woman?"

"Why--why--you don't need-- I don't know as I like--" began the
conventional old Father to whom woman's place was in the home whether or
not there was a home in which to have a place. Then the new Father, the
adventurer, declared, "I think it's mighty fine, Mother. Mighty fine. If
it won't be too hard on you."

"I'm going to take you to dinner to-night, instead of you taking me.
That is, if you'll lend me a dollar!"

Laughing till they nearly cried, with Father shamelessly squeezing her
arm on public thoroughfares, they again plunged into the Roman pleasures
of the little tinsel restaurant. And like two lovers, like the
telephone-girl in your office and the clerk next door, they made an
engagement to meet at noon, next day, in a restaurant half-way between
Regalberg's and Father's store.

When she came breathlessly into that beef-stew and paper-napkin
restaurant at noon, Mother already had something of the busy,
unself-conscious look of the woman who can compete with men. Her cheeks
were flushed with walking. Her eyes were young. She glanced about the
room, found Father, smiled quickly, and proceeded to order her own lunch
in a business-like way.

"They told me to be back in half an hour," she said, "but I don't mind a
bit. It's been nice all morning. This is the first time in my life I
ever did have all the children to talk to that I wanted. And the sweet
toys! Think of me gadding around like this, and enjoying it! I swear to
goodness I don't know myself. And what do you think I'm going to do if
either of us gets a raise? I'm going to buy you an overcoat!"

Father felt that he didn't know her, either. She did most of the talking
at lunch, and hurried cheerfully back to her job, while Father plodded
wearily away, speculating as to whether he could keep bustling on tired,
stinging feet till six, like the younger holiday help with whom he was
in competition.

He couldn't seem to please the assistant buyer of the department at all,
that afternoon, though in his eager way he tried to be the perfect

On Saturday morning there was a little note for him in which the
superintendent was obsequiously Father's servant, and humbly informed
Father that his services wouldn't be needed after that day. Would he, if
it was quite convenient, call for his pay the following Tuesday, and not
fail to turn in his locker-key before leaving the establishment?

The assistant buyer came around and unhappily told Father that they were
letting him go because the department was overstocked with younger,
liver men. "I'm mighty sorry, and I wish you good luck," he said, with
flash of the real man under the smooth, steely exterior.

Father scarcely heard him, though he smiled faintly. He read the note
many times as he stumbled home. But he couldn't get himself to show it
to Mother till Sunday afternoon, so proud was she of helping him and
proving herself a business woman--succeeding in a nine-dollar job while
Father, who had once been worth twenty-two good dollars a week, hadn't
been able to keep an eight-dollar job. Being quite human, Father felt a
scornful envy of her for a minute, when she repeated all the pleasant
things that had been said to her. But she was so frank, so touchingly
happy, that he could not long harden his heart.

When he told her of his ill-fortune she put her hand to her breast and
looked desperately afraid. It was only with a dry gasp that she could
say: "Never mind, Seth, you'll find something else. I'm glad you don't
have to handle all those silly card-cases and all. And so--so--oh, I do
hope you find something."

"You won't think I'm entirely a failure?"

"I won't have you use that word! Don't I know--haven't I seen you for
years? Why, I depend on you like--it sounds like a honeymoon, but you're
just about my religion, Seth."

But she went to bed very early, to be absolutely certain of being on
time at Regalberg's Monday morning.

       *       *       *       *       *

So began for Seth Appleby the haunted days when, drifting through the
gray and ghostly city of winter, he scarce knew whether he was a real
man or a ghost. Down prison corridors that the city calls streets, among
Jewish and Italian firms of which he had never heard, he wandered
aimlessly, asking with more and more diffidence for work, any kind of
work. His shoes were ground down at the heel, now, and cracked open on
one side. In such footgear he dared not enter a shoe-store, his own
realm, to ask for work that he really could do. As his December drifted
toward Christmas like a rudderless steamer in a fog, the cold permitted
him to seek for work only an hour or two a day, for he had no overcoat
and his coat was very thin. Seth Appleby didn't think of himself as one
of the rank of paupers, but rather as a man who didn't have an overcoat.

He had the grippe, and for a week he never left the house. While Mother
proudly carried on the money-earning he tried to do the house-work. With
unskilled hands he swept--leaving snags of dirt in the corners; he
washed--breaking a dish now and then; he even got down on protesting
sore knees and sloshed around in an attempt at scrubbing the knotty,
splintery floor. He tried to cook dinner and breakfast, but his
repertoire consisted of frying--fried eggs, fried bacon, fried bread,
fried pork chops, which Mother pretended to like, though they gave her
spasms of indigestion. In the richest city in the world he haggled with
abusive push-cart peddlers over five cents' worth of cabbage. He was
patient, but wrinkled with hopelessness.

With two warm days in succession, and the grippe gone, Father found work
as a noontime waiter in a piggery on Third Avenue, where contractors'
workmen devoured stew and sour coffee, and the waiters rushed gaspingly
about in filthy white aprons. After the lunch hour he washed dishes in
soapy water that quickly changed from white to grease-filmed black. For
this he received fifty cents a day and his lunch. He hid the depressing
fact of such employment from Mother, but religiously saved the daily
fifty cents to give to her at Christmas. He even walked for an hour
after each lunch, to get the smell of grease out of his clothes, lest
she suspect.... A patient, quiet, anxious, courteous, little aging man,
in a lunch-room that was noisy as a subway, nasty as a sewer excavation.

Without admitting it to himself, he had practically given up the search
for work. After Christmas--something would happen, he didn't know what.
Anyway, they wouldn't go back to their daughter's prison-place unless
Mother became ill.

He discovered the life of idle men in New York--not the clubmen, but
those others. Shabby, shuffling, his coat-collar turned up and secured
with a safety-pin, he poked through Tompkins Square, on sunny days, or
talked for hours to hoboes who scorned him as a man without experience
of brake-beam and rods, of hoboes' hangouts and the Municipal Lodging

When it was too cold to sit in the park, he tried to make himself
respectable of aspect, by turning down his coat-collar and straightening
his streaky tie, before he stalked into the Tompkins Square branch of
the public library, where for hours he turned over the pages of
magazines on whose text he could concentrate less each day that he was
an outcast accepting his fate. When he came out, the cold took him like
the pain of neuralgia, and through streets that were a smear of snow and
dust and blackened remains of small boys' bonfires he shuffled off with
timorous rapidity, eying shop windows full of cheap bread, cheap cakes,
cheap overcoats, cheap novels on the joy of being poor, all too
expensive for him.

Clean and upright and longing to be merry in a dour world, he sank down
among the spotted, the shiftless, the worthless. But perhaps when he
struck bottom--

He was not quite beaten. He never varied in the wistful welcome he gave
to Mother when she dragged herself home from work. But with an
increasing humbleness he accepted her as the master of the house, and
she unconsciously took the rôle. She petted him and comforted him and
worked for him. She announced, with the gaiety that one uses with a
dependent small boy, that they would have a wonderful party on Christmas
Eve, and with the animation of a dependent child he begged her to tell
him about it.


The day before Christmas--an anxious day in Regalberg's department
store, where the "extra help" were wondering which of them would be kept
on. Most of them were given dismissals with their pay-envelopes.
Mother's fate was not decided. She was told to report on the following
Monday; the toy-department would be reduced, but possibly they would
find a place for her in the children's dresses department, for the
January white sale.... At the very least, they would be glad to give her
an excellent recommendation, the buyer told her. More distraught than
one stunned by utter hopelessness and ruin, she came home and, as Father
had once been wont to do for her, she made her face bright to deceive

Under her arm she carried a wonderful surprise, a very large bundle.
Father was agitated about it when she plumped gaily into their
housekeeping room. At last she let him open it. He found an overcoat, a
great, warm, high-collared overcoat.

He had an overcoat--an overcoat! He could put it on, any time, and go
about the streets without the pinned coat-collar which is the sign of
the hobo. He could walk all day, looking for a job--warm and prosperous.
He could find work and support Mother. He had an overcoat! He was a
gentleman again!

With tears, he kissed her, lingeringly, then produced his own present,
which he had meant to keep till Christmas Day itself. It was seven
dollars, which he had earned as waiter at the piggery.

"And we're going out and have dinner on it, too," he insisted.

"Yes, yes; we will. We've been economizing--so much!"

But before they went they carefully cached in the window-box the cabbage
he had cooked for dinner.

With a slow luxurious joy in every movement he put on the overcoat. Even
in the pocket in which he stuck the seven Christmas dollars he had a
distinct pleasure, for his undercoat pockets were too torn, too holey,
to carry anything in them. They went prancing to the Hungarian
restaurant. They laughed so much that Father forgot to probe her about
the overcoat, and did not learn that she had bought it second-hand, for
three dollars, and had saved the three dollars by omitting lunch for
nearly four weeks.

They had a table at the front of the restaurant, near the violin. They
glowed over soup and real meat and coffee. There were funny people at
the next table--a man who made jokes. Something about the "Yiddisher
gavotte," and saying, "We been going to dances a lot, but last night the
wife and I wanted to be quiet, so I bought me two front seats for
Grant's Tomb!" It was tremendous. Father and Mother couldn't make many
jokes, these days, but they listened and laughed. The waiter remembered
them; they had always tipped him ten cents; he kept coming back to see
if there was anything they wanted, as though they were important people.
Father thanked her for the overcoat in what he blithely declared to be
Cape Cod dialect, and toasted her in coffee. They were crammed with good
cheer when Mother paid the check from a dollar she had left over, and
they rose from the table.

Father stood perplexedly gazing at the hat-rack behind them. He gasped,
"Why, where--Why, I hung it----"

He took down his old hat with a pathetic, bewildered hesitancy, and he
whispered to Mother, "My overcoat is gone--it's been stolen--my new
overcoat. Now I can't go out and get a job--"

They cried out, and demanded restitution of the waiter, the head-waiter,
the manager. None of these officials could do more than listen and ask
heavy questions in bad English and ejaculate, "Somebody stole it from
right behind you there when you weren't looking."

One of the guests dramatically said that he had seen a man who looked
suspicious, and for a moment every one paid attention to him, but that
was all the information he had. The other guests gazed with apathetic
interest, stirring their coffee and grunting one to another, "He ought
to watched it."

The manager pointed at one of the signs, "This restaurant is not
responsible for the loss of hats, coats, or packages," and he shouted,
"I am very sorry, but we can do nuttin'. Somebody stole it from right
behind you there--no one was looking. If you leaf your name and

Father didn't even hear him. He was muttering to himself, "And the seven
dollars that I saved for Sarah was in it."

He took Mother's arm; he tried to walk straight as he turned his back on
the storm of windy words from the manager.

Once they were away from spectators, on dark Fifteenth Street, Father
threw up his hands and in a voice of utter agony he mourned, "I can't do
anything more. I'm clean beaten. I've tried, and I've looked for work,
but now-- Be better if I went and jumped in the river."

She took his arm and led him along, as though he were a child and
helpless. She comforted him as well as she could, but there was nothing
very convincing to say. As she grew silent her thoughts grew noisy. They
shouted separate, hard, brutal sentences, so loudly that she could not
hear even the scraping feet of the stooped man beside her. They

"I can't do anything more, either.

"I don't believe I will be kept on at the store, after all. Only through
January, anyway.

"All the money we've got now is the nine dollars they gave me to-day.

"Suppose that's been stolen, too, from our room.

"Suppose I died.

"What would happen to Father if I died? He'd have to go--some dreadful
place--poor-house or some place--

"What would happen to me if he died? I'd be so lonely I couldn't stand
it. He's always been so dear to me.

"That clerk in the book-department that died from asphyxiation--I wonder
if it was accident, after all. They said so, but she was so unhappy and
all when she talked to me at lunch.

"'Better jump in the river.' That would be cold and he hasn't got an
overcoat. No, of course, that wouldn't make any difference--

"I wonder if gas suicide hurts much?

"If we could only die together and neither of us be left--

"God wouldn't call that suicide--oh, He couldn't, not when there's two
people that nobody wants and they don't ask anything but just to be
together. That nobody really wants--my daughter don't--except maybe the
Tubbses. And they are so poor, too. Nobody needs us and we just want to
find a happy way to go off together where we can sleep! Oh, I wouldn't
think that would be wrong, would it?"

They were at home. She hastened to burrow among the pile of stewpans for
the nine dollars, her week's salary, which she had hidden there. When
she found that it was safe, she didn't care so much, after all. What
difference would it have made if the money had been gone?

Father staggered like a drunkard to one of the flimsy, straight,
uncomfortable chairs. But he got himself up and tried to play on the
mouth-organ a careless tune of grassy hills and a summer breeze. While
he played he ridiculed himself for such agony over the loss of an
overcoat, but his philosophizing didn't mean anything. He had lost the
chance of finding work when he had lost the overcoat. He couldn't really
think, and the feeble trickle of music had a tragic absurdity. He
petulantly threw the mouth-organ on the bed, then himself slumped on the
coverlet. His face was grayly hopeless, like ashes or dust or the snow
of great cities.

Mother had been brooding. She was only distantly conscious of his final
collapse. She said, suddenly, bluntly: "Let's go away together. If we
could only die while we are still together and have some nice things to

Hers was the less conventional mind of the two. He protested--but it
was a feeble mumble. The world had come to seem unreal; the question of
leaving it rather unimportant.

Much they talked, possibly for hours, but the talk was as confused as
the spatter of furniture in that ill-lighted room--lighted by a gas-jet.
All that they said was but repetition of her first demand.

While he lay on the bed, flat, his arms out, like a prisoner on a rack,
wondering why all his thoughts had become a void in which he could find
no words with which to answer her, she slowly stood up, turned out the
gas, then again opened the gas-cock.

She hastily stripped off her overcoat and fitted it over the crack at
the bottom of the door, where showed a strip of light from the slimy
hall without. She caught up the red cotton table-cloth and stuffed it
along the window, moving clumsily through the room, in which the
darkness was broken only by pallid light that seeped through the window
from cold walls without. She staggered over and lay down beside him. Her
work was done, and in the darkness her worried frown changed to a smile
of divine and mothering kindliness which did not lessen as a thin,
stinging, acid vapor of illuminating gas bit at her throat and made her

Father raised his head in stupefied alarm. She drew him down, put his
head on her shoulder. She took his hand, to lead him, her little boy,
into a land of summer dreams where they would always be together. The
Innocents were going their way, asking no one's permission, yet harming
no one.... His hand was twitching a little; he coughed with a sound of
hurt bewilderment; but she held his hand firmly, and over this first
rough part of the road the mother of tenderness led him pityingly on.


Out of a black curdled ocean where for ages he had struggled and
stifled, Seth Appleby raised his head for an instant, and sank again.
For longer ages, and more black, more terrible, he fought on the bottom
of the ocean of life. He had reached the bottom now. He began to rise.
His coughing was shaking him into a half-consciousness, and very dimly
he heard her cough, too. He feverishly threw out one hand. It struck the
mouth-organ he had thrown upon the bed, struck it sharply, with a pain
that pierced to his nerve-centers.

He had the dismaying thought, "I'll never play the mouth-organ to her
again.... We won't ever sit in the rose-arbor while I play the
mouth-organ to her. Where is she? Yes! Yes! This is her hand." He was
trying to think now. Something said to him, sharply, "Suicide is

Yes, he reflected, in the tangles of a half-thought, he had always been
told that suicide was wicked. Let's see. What was it he was trying to
think--suicide wicked--blame the cowards who killed themselves--suicide
wicked-- No, no! That wasn't the thought he was trying to lay hold of.
What was it he was trying to think? Suicide wicked-- God, how this cough
hurt him. What was it-- Suicide? No! He violently pushed away the
thought of suicide and its wickedness, and at last shouted, within
himself: "Oh, that's what I was thinking! I must play to Mother again!
Where is she? She needs me. She's 'way off somewhere; she's helpless;
she's calling for me--my poor little girl."

He hurled himself off the bed, to find her, in that cold darkness. He
stood wavering under the gas-jet. "Why--oh, yes, we turned on the gas!"
he realized.

He thrust his hand up and reached the gas-jet. Then, staggering, feeling
inch by inch for leagues along the edge of the cupboard, raising his
ponderous hand with infinite effort, he touched a plate, feebly fitted
his fingers over its edge, and with a gesture of weak despair hurled it
at the window. The glass shattered. He fell to the floor.

Strained with weeks of trying to appear young and brisk in the store,
Mother had become insensible before the gas could overcome him, and he
awoke there, limp on the floor, before she revived. The room was still
foul with gas-fumes, and very cold, for they had not rekindled the fire
when they had returned after dinner.

He feebly opened the window, even the door. A passing woman cried, "Gas
in the room! My Gawd! my old man almost croaked himself last year with
one of them quarter meters." She bustled in, a corpulent, baggy,
unclean, kindly, effectual soul, and helped him fan the gas out of the
room. She drove away other inquisitive neighbors, revived Mother
Appleby, and left them with thick-voiced words of cheer, muttering that
"her old man would kill her if she didn't get a hustle on herself and
chase that growler."

With the broken window-pane stuffed up, the gas lighted, and the fire
started, the Applebys faced life again, and were very glad. They
couldn't have been long under the gas; Father's eons of drowning
struggle must have been seconds. Propped up in bed, Mother refused a
doctor and smiled--though confusedly, with the bewilderment of one who
had felt the numbness of death.

"I'll tell you how it is," cried Father. "We-- _Lord!_ how glad I am to
have you again! It's like this: We felt as if we'd gone the very limit,
and nothing ever would come right again. But it's just like when we were
a young married couple and scrapped and were so darn certain we'd have
to leave each other. That's the way it's been with us lately, and we
needed something big like this to get our nerve up, I guess. Now we'll
start off again, and think, honey, whatever we do will be a
vict'ry--it'll be so much bigger than nothing.

"Let's see. New York doesn't want us. But somewhere there must be a
village of folks that does. We'll start out right now, walking through
New York, and we'll hunt till we find it, even if we have to go clean
out to San Francisco. Gee! think, we're free, no job or nothing, and we
could go to San Francisco! Travel, like we've always wanted to! And we
won't have any more pride now to bother us, not after--that. I'll play
the mouth-organ for pennies! Come on, we'll start for Japan, and see the
cherry-blossoms. Come on, old partner, we're going to pioneer, like our
daddies that went West."

And he struck up "Susanna" on his mouth-organ.


The Applebys didn't start for Japan on Christmas Eve. Also, they didn't
go defiantly with pack on back through the streets of New York, like
immigrants to youth. It took Mother Appleby two days to recover from gas
and two more to recover from lifelong respectability, to the end that
she should become a merry beggar, gathering pennies while Father piped
upon that antic instrument, the mouth-organ.

Father labored with her, and cooked beans for her. She made him agree to
get as far from New York as their nine dollars would take them before
they should begin to be vagrants. It's always easier to be a bold
adventurer in some town other than the one in which you are.

The train took them about eighty miles into New Jersey. They debouched
rather shyly, and stood on the station platform in a town consisting of
a trust, a saloon, a druggist's, and a general store. The station
loafers stared at them. Father would no more have dared play the
mouth-organ to these gangling youths than he would have dared kiss a
traffic policeman at Forty-second and Fifth Avenue.

They edged around the corner of the station and gingerly stepped off
into an ocean of slush, deaf to the yells of the bus-driver who
hopefully represented that he would take them practically anywhere in
the world for fifty cents.

They were an odd couple. Father had no need of an overcoat, now. He was
wearing three shirts, two waistcoats, two pairs of trousers, and three
pairs of socks, to say nothing of certain pages of an evening newspaper
cunningly distributed through his garments, crackly but warm. He waddled
chubbily and somewhat stiffly, but he outfaced the winter wind as he had
not done for many weeks. In this outfit he could never have gone the
rounds of offices looking for work, but in the open he had the
appearance of a hardy woodsman--or at least the father of a woodsman. He
wore defiantly the romantic wreck of that plaid cap which he had bought
for Cape Cod, which his daughter had sequestered at Saserkopee, and
which he had stolen back from her. Also he had a secret joy in the fact
that his shirt--that is, his outer and most visible shirt--was a coarse
garment of blue flannel, a very virile and knightly tabard with large
white buttons, which Mother had never let him wear in public. It was
such a noble habiliment as a fireman might have worn, or a longshoreman,
or Dan'l Boone.

Mother was almost equally bulky, with an unassayed number of garments,
but over them all she wore a still respectable Raglan town coat.

They both carried bundles, and in Father's right hand was a red
pasteboard case which protected the mouth-organ. This, as they modestly
trotted through the village, he tried to conceal in the palm of his
hand, and he glared at a totally innocent passer-by whom he suspected of
wanting to hear the mouth-organ.

Mother didn't know of his mental struggles. She was thinking more about
her feet. She looked up with mild astonishment when, as they left the
town by the highroad southward, Father burst out, "I'll play if I want
to, but I can't stand the gawping gumps here."

"Why, Father!" she said, trustingly.

The noontime sun came out. To conceal from his stomach the fact that it
was hungry, Father grew boyishly enthusiastic about going Southward.
"Gee!" he burbled, "we'll hit down toward Florida--palms and alligators
and--and everything--Land of Flowers! What's this hotel?--the Royal
Points de Anna? Play the mouth-organ there. Make a hit. Then we'll
strike New Orleans and jump to San Francisco.... Gee! it's a long way
between houses along here!"

They approached a farm-yard. Father was tremendously urging himself to
play the mouth-organ there, to skip and be nimble, and gain a minstrel's
meed. Meaning lunch.

Frowning with intentness, he stopped before the house. Mother meekly
halted beside him. She had not lost quite all of the training in
self-dependence she had got from a business life, these last weeks, but
she looked to him for leadership in the new existence.

Father swung his shapeless pack from his shoulders, set it down on the
ground, reluctantly drew his mouth-organ from its case. He became aware
that a large, astonished woman was staring from the kitchen window. He
stared back. The mouth-organ was left suspended in air. Hastily he stuck
it in his pocket and, as though hypnotized, moved toward the kitchen
door. He had to give the woman some explanation for encamping in her
yard.... Why! She might have thought that he had intended to make a fool
of himself by playing the mouth-organ there!

The woman opened the door curiously, stared over Father's head at
Mother, then back at the little man with his pink, cheery face and whiff
of delicate silver hair.

"I--uh--I-- Could I cut some wood or something for you?" said Father.
"Mrs.--uh--Mrs. Smith and I are tramping across the United States--San
Francisco and New Orleans and so on--and--"

"Why, you poor things, you must be terribly cold and tired! Think of it!
San Francisco! You tell Mrs. Smith to come right in and warm herself by
the fire, and I guess I can find some dinner for both of you."

Father scuttled out, informed Mother that she had become Mrs. Smith, and
before her slightly dazed mind could grasp it all she was in at a
kitchen table near the stove, and eating doughnuts, salt pork, beans,
apple pie, and vast cups of coffee. Not but that Father himself was also
laying in the food with a lustiness that justified his lumberjack's
blue-flannel shirt. From time to time he dutifully mentioned his
project of cutting wood, but the woman was more interested in him as a

In a dim, quite unanalytic way Father perceived that, to this woman,
this drab prisoner of kitchen and woodshed, it was wonderful to meet a
man and woman who had actually started for--anywhere.

She sighed and with a look of remembering old dreams she declared: "I
wish my old man and I could do that. Gawd! I wouldn't care how cold we
got. Just get away for a month! Then I'd be willing to come back here
and go on cooking up messes. He goes into town almost every day in
winter--he's there now--but I stay here and just work."

Father understood that it would have desecrated her vision of the heroic
had he played the mouth-organ for pay; perceived that she didn't even
want him to chop wood. Mother and he were, to this woman, a proof that
freedom and love and distant skies did actually exist, and that people,
just folks, not rich, could go and find them.

When she had warmed Mother's feet and given them her wistful good
wishes, the woman let them go, and the Smiths recently Applebys, went
comfortably and plumply two more miles on their way to Japan.

Father's conscience was troubling him, not because he had taken food
from the woman--she had bestowed it with the friendly and unpatronizing
graciousness of poor women--but because he had been too cowardly to play
the mouth-organ. When Mother had begun to walk wearily and Father had
convinced himself that he wouldn't be afraid to play, next chance he
had, they approached a crude road-house, merely a roadside saloon, with
carriage-sheds, a beer sign, and one lone rusty iron outdoor table to
give an air of _al fresco_.

"I'm going over there and play," said Father.

"I won't have you hanging around saloons," snapped Mother.

"Now, Mother, I reckon I wouldn't more than drink a couple of horses'
necks or something wild like that."

"Yes, and that's just the way temptation gets you," said Mother,
"drinking horses' necks and all them brandy drinks. I wish I'd never
tasted that nasty cocktail you made me take last year. I wish I'd joined
the White-Ribboners like Mrs. Tubbs wanted me to."

"Well, we'll organize a Hoboes' Chapter of the W. C. T. U. and have
meetings under the water-tank at the depot--"

They were interrupted by a hail from the road-house. A large man with a
detective's mustache and a brewer's cheeks, a man in shirt-sleeves and a
white apron, stood on the porch, calling, "Hey! Mr. and Mrs. Smith! Come
right in and get warm."

Father and Mother stared at each other. "He means us," gasped Father.

Mechanically the Innocents straggled across the road.

The saloon-keeper shook hands with both of them, and bellowed: "Lady
telephoned along the line--great things for gossip, these rural
telephones--said you was coming this way, and we're all watching out for
you. You come right into the parlor. No booze served in there, Mrs.
Smith. Make yourselves comfortable, and I'll have the Frau cut you up a
coupla sandwiches. How'd you leave San Francisco? Pretty warm out there,
ain't it?"

He had, by this time, shooed them into the plush and crayon-enlargement
parlor behind the barroom. His great voice overawed them--and they were
cold. Mother secretively looked for evidences of vice, for a
roulette-table or a blackjack, but found nothing more sinful than a box
of dominoes, so she perched on a cane chair and folded her hands

"How's San Francisco?" repeated the saloon-keeper.

"Why--uh--um--uh--how do you mean?" Father observed.

"Yes, I heard how you folks 've tramped from there. How is it, nice
climate out there?"

"Why, it's pretty nice--orange groves 'most everywhere. Nice climate,"
said Father, avoiding Mother's accusing look and desperately hoping she
wouldn't feel moved to be veracious and virtuous.

"Hey, Mamie, here's the old couple that 've tramped clear from San
Francisco," bawled the saloon-keeper.

A maternal German woman, with a white apron of about the proportions of
a cup defender's mainsail, billowed into the room, exclaimed over
Mother's wet feet, provided dry stockings and felt slippers for her, and
insisted on stuffing both of them with fried eggs and potato salad. The
saloon-keeper and a select coterie of farmers asked Father questions
about San Francisco, Kansas, rainy seasons, the foot-and-mouth disease,
irrigation, Western movie studios, and the extent of Mormonism. Father
stuck pretty closely to a Sunday-newspaper description of the
Panama-Pacific Exposition for answers to everything, and satisfied all
hands to such an extent that they humbly asked him how much danger there
was of a Japanese invasion of the Philippines, and how long did he think
the great European war would last.

Abashed, prickly with uncomfortableness, Father discovered that the
saloon-keeper was taking up a collection for them. It was done very
quietly, and the man slipped a dollar and fifteen cents into his hand in
so casual a manner, so much as though he were merely making change, that
Father took it and uneasily thrust it into his pocket. He understood the
kindly spirit of it because he himself was kindly. He realized that to
these stay-at-homes the Applebys' wandering was a thing to revere, a
heroism, like prize-fighting or religion or going to war. But he didn't
psychologize about it. He believed in "the masses" because he belonged
to the masses.

As a matter of fact, Father had very little time to devote to meditation
when they hit the road again. He was busy defending himself while
Mother accused him of having lied scandalously. He protested that he had
never said that he had been to San Francisco; they had made that mistake

"Now don't you go trying to throw dust in my eyes. I just won't have
this lying and prevaricating and goings-on. I'm just going to-- What's
the matter, Seth? You're limping. Are your feet cold?"

And that was the end of Mother's moral injunctions, for Father, with a
most unworthy cunning, featured the coldness of his feet till she had
exhausted her vocabulary of chiropodal sympathy, after which he kept her
interested in the state of his ears, his hands, and the tip of his nose.
She patted him consolingly, and they toiled on together, forgetting in
the closeness of their comradeship the strangeness of being on an
unknown road, homeless, as a chilly sunset spread bands of cold lemon
and gray across the enormous sky, and all decent folk thought of supper.

Then everything went wrong with the wandering Innocents.

       *       *       *       *       *

About supper-time Father made another attempt to get himself to play the
mouth-organ, at a mean farm-house which came in sight after a lonely
stretch. Mother was sinking with weariness. He hitched the mouth-organ
out of its case, but again he shrank, and he feebly said, to a
tumble-haired farmer in overalls, "Can I split some wood for you? Mrs.
Smith and I are tramping--"

The farmer ungenerously took him at his word. For an hour he kept Father
hacking at a pile of wood, while Mother crouched near, trying to keep
warm, with his coat over her feet. Father's back turned into one broad
ache, and his arms stung, but he stuck to it till the farmer growled: "I
guess that'll do. Now don't hang around here."

He handed Father a bundle. Father thought of throwing it at him, but
simultaneously he thought of keeping it and consuming its contents. He
gasped with the insult. He became angrier and angrier as he realized
that the insult applied to Mother also. But before he could think of a
smart, crushing, New-Yorkish reply the farmer grumped away into the

The Applebys dragged themselves back to the highroad. Father was blaming
himself for having brought her to this.... "But I did try to get a job
first," he insisted, and remembered how he had once begged the owner of
a filthy shoe-store on Third Avenue for a place as porter, shoeblack,

Their road led them by a clump of woods.

"We'll have a fire here and camp!" cried Father.

He had never made a fire in the open, and he understood it to be a most
difficult process. But he was a young lover; his sweetheart was cold; he
defied man and nature. Disdaining any possible passer-by, he plunged
into the woodland. With bare hands he scooped the light fall of snow
from between two rocks, and in the darkness fumbled for twigs and
leaves. Gruntingly he dragged larger boughs, piled the wood with
infinite care, lighted it tremblingly.

They sat on the rocks by the fire and opened the farmer's bundle. There
were cold, gristly roast beef, bread and cheese, and a large,
angry-looking sausage.

"Um!" meditated Father; then, "I'll heat up the roast beef." Which he
grandly did, on little sticks, and they ate it contemplatively, while
their souls and toes relaxed in the warmth, and the black tree-trunks
shone cozily in the glow.

"No cockroaches and no smell of fried fish here, like there is on Avenue
B," said Father. "And we don't have to go home from our picnic. I wonder
why folks let themselves get all old and house-bound, when they could be
like us?"

"Yes," said Mother, drowsily.

He hadn't nerved himself to play the mouth-organ, not all day, but now,
with the luxury of fire and solitude, he played it, and, what's more, he
tried to whistle a natty little ballad which touchingly presented a
castaway as "long-long-longing for his Michigan, his wish-again

Yet Father wasn't altogether satisfied with his fire. The dry twigs he
kept feeding to it flared up and were gone. The Innocents huddled
together, closer and closer to the coals. Father gave little pats to her
shoulder while she shivered and began to look anxious.

"Cold, old honey?"

"Yes, but it don't matter," she declared.

"Come on, I guess we'd better go look for a place to sleep. I'm
afraid--don't know as I could keep this fire up all night, after all."

"Oh, I can't walk any. Oh, I guess it will be all right when I get going
again." She tried to smile at him, and with the slowness of pain she
reached for her bundle.

He snatched it from her. "I can carry all our stuff, anyway," he said.

Leaning on him, moving step by step, every step an agony of soreness and
cold, lifting her feet each time by a separate effort of her numbed
will, she plodded beside him, while he tried to aid her with a hand
under her elbow.

"There! There's where we'll go!" he whispered, as the shapes of
farm-buildings lifted against the sky. "We won't ask permission. We
mightn't get it! Like that last farmer. And I won't let you go one step
farther. We'll butt right into the barn and sleep in the hay."

"But--do you--think we'd better?"

"We will!"

The mouse-like Father was a very lion, emboldened by his care for her.
He would have faced ten farmers terrible with shot-guns. Without one
timorous glance he led her to the small side-door of the barn, eased
down the latch, lifted her over the sill, closed the door. In the barn
was a great blackness, but also a great content. It seemed warm, and was
intimate with the scent of cows and hay, alive with the quiet breathing
of animals. Father lit a match and located the stairs to the haymow.

Mother was staggering. With his arm about her waist, very tender and
reverent, he guided her to the stairs and up them, step by agonized
step, to the fragrant peace of the haymow. She sank down and he covered
her so deep with hay that only her face was left uncovered.

"Warm, Mother?"

She did not answer. She was already asleep.

Through a night haunted by vague monsters of darkness--and by sneezes
whenever spears of hay invaded his indignant city nose--Father turned
and thrashed. But he was warm, and he did sleep for hours at a time. At
what must have been dawn he heard the farmer at the stalls in the stable
below. He felt refreshed, cozily drowsy, and he did a shameless thing, a
trick of vagrants and road-wallopers: he put his thumb to his nose,
aimed his hand toward the supposititious location of the farmer below,
and twirled his outspread fingers in a flickering manner. It is believed
that he intended to convey spirited defiance, or possibly insult, by
this amazing gesture. He grinned contentedly and went to sleep again....
Fortunately Mother was asleep and did not see him acting--as she often
but vainly defined it--"like a young smart Aleck."

Father awakened from an agitating dream of setting the barn afire, and
beheld Mother sitting up amid the hay--an amazing, a quite incredible
situation for Mrs. Seth Appleby. She mildly dabbled at her gray hair,
which was still neat, and looked across in bewilderment. Like a
jack-in-the-box, Father came up out of the hay to greet her.

"How do you like your room in the Wal-dorf-As-torya?" he said. "Sleep
well, old honey?"

"Why--why, I must have!" she marveled. "I don't hardly remember coming
here, though."

"Ready to tramp on?"

She swore that she was. And indeed her cheeks were ruddy with outdoors,
the corners of her eyes relaxed. But she was so stiff that they had
hobbled a mile, and Father had shucked several tons of corn in return
for breakfast, before she ceased feeling as though her legs were made of
extraordinarily brittle glass.


Sometimes they were fêted adventurers who were credited with having
tramped over most of the globe. Sometimes they were hoboes on whom
straggly women shut farm-house doors. But never were they wandering
minstrels. Father went on believing that he intended to play the
mouth-organ and entertain the poor, but actually he depended on his
wood-chopping arm, and every cord he chopped gave him a ruddier flush of
youth, a warmer flush of ambition.

Most people do not know why they do things--not even you and I
invariably know, though of course we are superior to the unresponsive
masses. Many people are even unconscious that they are doing things or
being things--being gentle or cruel or creative or parasitic. Quite
without knowing it, Father was searching for his place in the world. The
New York shoe-stores had decided that he was too old to be useful. But
age is as fictitious as time or love. Father was awakening from the
sleep of drudgery in the one dusty shop, and he was asking what other
place there was for him. He was beginning to have another idea, a better
idea, which he pondered as he came to shoe-stores in small towns....
They weren't very well window-dressed; the signs were feeble.... Maybe
some day he'd get back into the shoe business in some town, and he'd
show them--only, how could he talk business to a shoeman when he was
shabby and winter-tanned and none too extravagant in the care of his
reddening hands?

But he was learning something more weighty--the art of handling people,
in the two aspects thereof--bluffing, and backing up the bluff with
force and originality. He came to the commonplace people along the road
as something novel and admirable, a man who had taken his wife and his
poverty and gone seeing the world. When he smiled in a superior way and
said nothing, people immediately believed that he must have been places,
done brave things. He didn't so much bluff them as let them bluff
themselves.... He had never been able to do that in his years as a
foggy-day shadow to the late J. Pilkings.

It is earnestly recommended to all uncomfortable or dissatisfied men
over sixty that they take their wives and their mouth-organs and go
tramping in winter, whether they be bank presidents or shoe-clerks or
writers of fiction or just plain honest men. Though doubtless some of
them may have difficulty in getting their wives to go.

       *       *       *       *       *

It was early March, a snowy, blustery March, and the Applebys were
plodding through West Virginia. No longer were they the mysterious
"Smiths." Father was rather proud, now, of being Appleby, the
pedestrian. Mother looked stolidly content as she trudged at his side,
ruddy and placid and accustomed to being wept over by every farm-wife.

At an early dusk, with a storm menacing, with the air uneasy and a wind
melancholy in the trees, they struck off by a forest road which would,
they hoped, prove a short cut to the town of Weatherford. They came to
cross-paths, and took the more trodden way, which betrayed them and soon
dwindled to a narrow rut which they could scarcely follow in the
twilight. Father was frightened. They would have to camp in the
woods--and a blizzard was coming.

He saw a light ahead, a shifting, evasive light.

"There's a farm-house or something," he declared, cheerily. "We'll just
nach'ly make 'em give us shelter. Going to storm too bad to do much work
for 'em, and I bet it's some cranky old shellback farmer, living 'way
out here like this. Well, we'll teach the old codger to like music, and
this time I _will_ play my mouth-organ. Ain't you glad we're young folks
that like music and dancing--"

"How you run on!" Mother said, trustingly.

From the bleakness ahead came a cracked but lusty voice singing "Hello,

"Man singing! Jolly! That's a good omen," chuckled Father. "All the
folks that are peculiar--like we are--love to sing."

"Yes, and talk!" However much she enjoyed Father's chatter, Mother felt
that she owed it to her conscience--which she kept as neat and well
dusted, now that they were vagrants, as she had in a New York flat--to
reprove him occasionally, for his own good.

"Say, this is exciting. That's a bonfire ahead," Father whispered.

They slowed their pace to a stealthy walk. Behind them and beside them
was chilly darkness lurking in caverns among black, bare tree-trunks.
Before them they could see a nebulous glow and hear the monotonous voice
singing the same words over and over.

Mother shrieked. They stopped. A vast, lumbering bulk of a man plunged
out from the woods, hesitated, stooped, brandished a club.

"Tut, tut! No need to be excited, mister. We're just two old folks
looking for shelter for the night," wavered Father, with spurious

"Huh?" growled a thick, greasy voice. "Where d'yuh belong?"

"Everywhere. We're tramping to San Francisco."

As he said it Father stood uneasy, looking into the penetrating eye of
an electric torch which the man had flashed on him. The torch blotted
out the man who held it, and turned everything--the night, the woods,
the storm mutters--into just that one hypnotizing ball of fire suspended
in the darkness.

"Well, well," gasped the unknown, "a moll, swelp me! Welcome to our
roost, 'bo! You hit it right. This is Hoboes' Home. There's nine 'boes
of us got a shack up ahead. Welcome, ma'am. What's your line? Con game
or just busted?"

"I'm sure I don't know what you mean, young man," snapped Mother.

"Well, if you two are like me, nothing but just honest workmen, you
better try and make 'em think you're working some game--tell 'em you're
the Queen of the Thimble-riggers or some dern thing like that. Come on,
now. Been gathering wood; got enough. You can follow me. The bunch ain't
so very criminal--not for hoboes they ain't."

The large mysterious man started down the path toward the glow, and
Father and Mother followed him uncomfortably.

"It's a den of vice he's taking us into," groaned Father. "And if we go
back they'll pursue us. Maybe we better--"

"I don't believe a con game is a nice thing, whatever it is," said
Mother. "It sounds real wicked. I never heard of thimble-rigging. How do
you rig a thimble?"

"I don't know, but I think we better go back."

They stopped. The large man turned on them and growled, "Hustle up."

Obediently the Innocents trailed after his dark, shaggy back that, in
his tattered overcoat, seemed as formidable as it was big. The glow
grew more intense ahead of them. They came into a clearing where, round
a fire beside a rude shanty, sat several men, one of whom was still
droning "Hello, 'Frisco!"

"Visitors!" shouted the guide.

The group sprang up, startled, threatening--shabby, evil-looking men.

Father stood palsied as grim, unshaven faces lowered at him, as a
sinister man with a hooked nose stalked forward, his fist doubled.

But Mother left his side, darted past the hook-nosed man, and snapped:
"That's no way to peel potatoes, young man. You're losing all the best
part, next to the skin. Here, give me that. I'll show you. Waste and

While Father and the group of circled hoboes stared, Mother firmly took
a huge jack-knife away from a slight, red-headed man who was peeling
potatoes and chucking them into a pot of stew that was boiling on the

"Well--I'll--be--darned!" said every one, almost in chorus.

"Who are you?" the hook-nosed man demanded of Father. But his voice
sounded puzzled and he gazed incredulously at Mother as she cozily
peeled potatoes, her delicate cheeks and placid eye revealed in the
firelight. She was already as sturdily industrious and matter-of-fact
as though she were back in the tea-room.

"I'm Appleby, the pedestrian," said Father. "Wife and I went-- Say,
ain't she the nicest-looking woman in that firelight! Great woman, let
me tell you. We went broke in New York and we're tramping to 'Frisco.
Can you take us in for the night? I guess we're all fellow-hoboes."

"Sure will," said the hook-nosed man. "Pleased to have you come,
fellow-bum. My name's Crook McKusick. I'm kind of camp boss. The boys
call me 'Crook' because I'm so honest. You can see that yourself."

"Oh yes," said Father, quite innocently.

"The lad that the madam dispossessed is Reddy, and this fish-faced duck
here is the K. C. Kid. But I guess the most important guy in the gang is
Mr. Mulligan, the stew. If your missus wants to elect herself cook
to-night, and make the mulligan taste human, she can be the boss."

"Bring me the salt and don't talk so much. You'll have the stew spoiled
in about one minute," Mother said, severely, to Crook McKusick, and that
mighty leader meekly said, "Yes, ma'am," and trotted to a box on the
far side of the fire.

The rest of the band--eight practical romanticists, each of whom was in
some ways tougher than the others--looked rather sullenly at Mother's
restraining presence, but when the mulligan was served they volunteered
awkward compliments. Veal and chicken and sweet potatoes and Irish
potatoes and carrots and corn were in the stew, and it was very hot, and
there was powerful coffee with condensed milk to accompany it.

Father shook his head and tried to make himself believe that he really
was where he was--in a rim of bare woods reddened with firelight,
surrounding a little stumpy clearing, on one side of which was a shack
covered with tar-paper fastened with laths. The fire hid the storm
behind its warm curtain. The ruffians about the fire seemed to be
customers in a new "T Room" as Mother fussed over them and kept their
plates filled.

Gradually the hoboes thawed out and told the Applebys that they had
permission from the owner of the land to occupy this winter refuge, but
that they liberally "swiped" their supplies from the whole countryside.

Mother exclaimed: "You poor boys, I don't suppose you know any better.
Father, I think we'll stay here for a few days, and I'll mend up the
boys' clothes and teach them not to steal.... You boys--why, here you
are great big grown-up men, and you can jus' as well go out every day
and work enough to get your supplies. No need to be leading an immoral
life jus' because you're tramps. I don't see but what being tramps is
real interesting and healthy, if you jus' go about it in a nice moral
way. Now you with the red hair, come here and wipe the dishes while I
wash them. I swear to goodness I don't believe these horrid tin plates
have been washed since you got them."

As Mother's bland determined oration ended, Crook McKusick, the
hook-nosed leader, glanced at her with a resigned shrug and growled:
"All right, ma'am. Anything for a change, as the fellow said to the
ragged shirt. We'll start a Y. M. C. A. I suppose you'll be having us
take baths next."

The youngster introduced as the K. C. Kid piped up, truculently: "Say,
where do you get this moral stuff? This ain't a Sunday-school picnic;
it's a hoboes' camp."

Crook McKusick vaulted up with startling quickness, seized the K. C.
Kid by the neck, wrenched his face around, and demanded: "Can that
stuff, Kid. If you don't like the new stunt you can beat it. This here
lady has got more nerve than ten transcontinental bums put
together--woman, lady like her, out battering for eats and pounding the
roads! She's the new boss, see? But old Uncle Crook is here with his
mits, too, see?"

The Kid winced as Crook's nails gouged his neck, and whimpered: "All
right, Crook. Gee! you don't need to get so sore about it."

Unconscious that there had been a crisis, Mother struck in, "Step lively
now, boys, and we'll clean the dishes while the water's hot."

With the incredulous gentry of leisure obeying her commands, Mother
scoured the dishes, picked up refuse, then penetrated the sleeping-shack
and was appalled by the filth on the floor and by the gunny-sacking
mattresses thrown in the crude wooden bunks.

"Now we'll tidy this up," she said, "and maybe I can fix up a corner for
Mr. Appleby and me--sort of partition it off like."

The usual evening meditations and geographical discussions of the
monastery of hoboes had been interrupted by collecting garbage and by a
quite useless cleaning of dishes that would only get dirty again. They
were recuperating, returning to their spiritual plane of perfect peace,
in picturesque attitudes by the fire. They scowled now. Again the K. C.
Kid raised his voice: "Aw, let the bunk-house alone! What d'yuh think
this is? A female cemetery?"

Crook McKusick glared, but Reddy joined the rebellion with: "I'm
through. I ain't no Chink laundryman."

The bunch turned their heads away from Mother, and pretended to ignore
her--and to ignore Crook's swaying shoulders and clenching fists. In low
but most impolite-sounding voices they began to curse the surprised and
unhappy Mother. Father ranged up beside her, protectingly. He was sure
there was going to be a fight, and he determined to do for some one,
anyway. He was trapped, desperate. Crook McKusick stood with them, too,
but his glance wavered from them to the group at the fire and back
again, and he was clearing his throat to speak when--

"Hands up!" came a voice from the shadows beyond the fire.


While he was raising his arms so high that his cuffs were pulled
half-way down to his elbows, Father was conscious that the hoboes by the
fire, even the formidable Crook McKusick, were doing the same. Facing
them, in the woods border, was a farmer in a coon-skin overcoat, aiming
a double-barreled shot-gun, beside him two other farmers with rifles
under their arms. It seemed to Father that he was in a wild Western
melodrama, and he helplessly muttered, "Gosh! Can you beat it?"

The man with the leveled shot-gun drawled, "I'm the deputy sheriff for
this locality and I'll give you dirty bums just five minutes to pick up
your duffle and git out, and keep a-going. I guess we don't need you
around here. You been robbing every hen-roost for ten miles. Now step
lively, and no funny business."

"Stung!" muttered Crook McKusick, hopelessly. "Got us."

Suddenly a downy figure--who might herself have come from a large,
peaceful human hen-roost--fluttered straight at the muzzle of the
sheriff's shot-gun. It was Mother.

"Hands up, I told juh!" stormed the sheriff, amazedly.

"Oh, look _out_, Mother!" wailed Father, rushing after her, his own
hands going down to his sides in his agitation.

"Look out, aunty!" echoed Crook McKusick. "That's a bad actor, that

But Mother continued straight at the gun, snapping: "Don't point that
dratted thing at me. You bother me."

The sheriff wavered. The gun dropped. "Who are you?" he demanded.

"Never you mind who I am, young man. I'm responsible for these boys,
though. And they promised me they wouldn't do no more stealing. They're
going to work for what they get. And they got a right here on this land.
They got permission. That's more than you got, I venture, with your
nasty guns and all, coming around here-- Have you got a warrant?"

"No, I ain't, but you--"

"Then you just step yourself away, young man! Coming here, fairly
shaking a body's nerves. I vow, you almost scare me, carrying on-- Put
down that dratted gun, I told you. You'll either go, Mr. Deputy Monkey,
or I'll see your boss, and we'll see what we'll see."

With which Mother--who was rapidly becoming almost impolite in her
indignation over this uninvited visit from a person whom she couldn't
find it in her heart to like--seized the muzzle of the gun, pushed it
down, and stood glowering at the sheriff, her arms akimbo.

"Well, ma'am, I don't know who you are, but if you got any idee that
this bunch of cut-throats is likely to turn into any W. C. T. U.
pink-tea party--"

"Now none of your nonsense and impudence and sneering, young man, and be
off with you, or I'll see somebody that'll have something to say to you.
Illegal goings-on, that's what they are; no warrant or nothing."

One of the sheriff's companions muttered: "Come on, Bill. I think she's
the wife of that nosey new preacher over to Cordova."

"All right," said the sheriff. Before he turned away he threatened, "Now
if I hear of anything more from you boys, I'll get that warrant, all
righty, and you'll land in the calaboose, where you belong."

But the hoboes about the fire cheered derisively, and as the sheriff
disappeared in the woods they surrounded Mother in a circle of grins and
shining eyes, and the K. C. Kid was the first to declare: "Good for you,
aunty. You're elected camp boss, and you can make me perm'nent cookee,
if you want to."

"Well, then," said Mother, calmly, "let's get that nasty shack cleaned
up right away. I do declare I'm beginning to get sleepy."

Nothing in his life was more to Father's credit than the fact that he
did not envy Mother the credit of having become monarch of the camp and
protector of the poor. "I'm with you, Mother," he said. "What you want
me to do? Let's hustle. Blizzard coming--with a warrant."

       *       *       *       *       *

Round a camp-fire in the woods a group of men were playing cards,
wire-bearded men in rough coats and greasy flannel shirts; but the most
violent thing they said was "Doggone it," and sometimes they stopped to
listen to the strains of "Dandy Dick and the Candlestick," which a
white-haired cheerful old gentleman rendered on the mouth-organ.

Father was perched on a powder-can. His feet were turned inward with
comfort and soul-satisfaction, and now and then he jerked his head
sideways, with an air of virile satisfaction. The collar of his
blue-flannel shirt poked up beside his chin as cockily as the ear of a
setter pup.... Father didn't know it, but he was making believe be King
of the Bandits.

Across the fire, in an aged and uncertain rocking-chair, placid as
though she were sitting beside a gas-log instead of a camp-fire
over-gloomed with winter woods, was Mother, darning a sock and lecturing
the homicidal-looking Crook McKusick on cursing and swearing and
carryings-on. Crook stared down at her adoringly, and just when she
seemed to have penetrated his tough hide with her moral injunctions he
chuckled: "By golly! I believe I'll marry and settle down--just as soon
as I can find a moll that'll turn into a cute old lady like you, aunty."

"Now, Mr. McKusick," she said, severely, "you want to reform for the
sake of reforming, not just to please some girl--not but what a nice
sweet woman would be good--"

"Nothing will ever be good for me, aunty. I'm gone. This sweet
civilization of ours has got me. The first reform school I went to
reformed me, all right--formed me into a crook. I used to show signs of
growing up to be fair to middling intelligent, once. But now--nothing to
it. You people, though you're twice as old as I am, you're twice as
young. You got a chance. Look here, Uncle Appleby, why don't you go out
for being one of these famous old pedestrians that get their mugs in the
papers? Will you do what I tell you to, if I train you? I've trained
quite some pugs before--before I quit."

Mother acerbically declined to learn the art of physical culture. "Me at
my time of life learning to do monkey-shines and bending and flapping my
arms like a chicken with its head cut off." But Father enthusiastically
and immediately started in to become the rival of the gentlemen in
jerseys who wear rubber heels in the advertisements and spend their old
ages in vigorously walking from the Atlantic coast to the Pacific,
merely in order to walk back again.

While his fellow-hoboes about the fire jeered, Father bent over forty
times, and raised himself on his toes sixty, and solemnly took

Next day he slowly trotted ninety times about the clearing, his chin up
and his chest out, while Crook McKusick, excited at being a trainer
again, snapped orders at him and talked about form.... A ludicrous
figure, a little old man, his white locks flapping under a mushy cap as
he galloped earnestly through the light snow. But his cheeks were one
red glow, his eyes were bright, and in his laugh, when he finished, was
infinite hope.

If it had been Mother who had first taken charge of the camp and
converted it to respectability and digestible food, it was Father who
really ran it, for he was the only person who could understand her and
Crook McKusick and the sloppy Kid all at once.

Crook McKusick had long cultivated a careful habit of getting drunk once
a week. But two weeks after the coming of the Applebys he began to omit
his sprees, because Mother needed him to help her engineer variations of
the perpetual mulligan, and Father needed him for his regular training.

To the training Crook added a course in psychology. As a hobo he was
learned in that science. The little clerk, the comfortable banker, the
writer of love-stories--such dull plodders have their habits all set out
for them. But the hobo, who has to ride the rods amid flying gravel
to-day, and has to coax food out of a nice old lady to-morrow, must have
an expert working knowledge of psychology if he is to climb in his
arduous profession.

Father and Mother had started out from New York on a desperate flight,
with no aspirations beyond the hope that they might be able to make a
living. It was the hobo, Crook McKusick, who taught Father that there
was no reason why, with his outdoor life and his broadened experience,
he should not be a leader among men wherever he went; be an Edward
Pilkings and a Miss Mitchin, yea, even a Mrs. Lulu Hartwig, instead of a
meek, obedient, little Seth Appleby. It was Crook who, out of his own
experience in doing the unusual, taught Father that it was just as easy
to be unusual, to live a life excitedly free, as to be a shop-bound
clerk. Adventure, like fear of adventure, consisted in going one step at
a time, keeping at it, forming the habit.... So, an outcast among
outcasts, grubbily bunked in a camp of hoboes, talking to a filthy lean
man with an evil hooked nose, Seth Appleby began to think for himself,
to the end that he should be one of the class that rules and is

The amiable boarders at Hoboes' Home didn't at all mind Mother's darning
their socks. They didn't much mind having her order them to wash their
faces at a hole through the ice in the near-by creek before coming to
dinner. But it took her many days to get them used to going off to work
for money and supplies. Yet every day half the camp grumblingly
disappeared to shuck corn, mend fences, repair machinery, and they came
back with flour, potatoes, meat, coffee, torn magazines, and shirts.
Father regularly went out to work with them, and was the first to bring
water, to cut wood. They all took a pride in the camp. They kept the
bunk-house scrubbed, and inordinately admired the new mattresses,
stuffed with fresh straw and covered with new calico, which Mother made
for them. In the evenings the group about the camp-fire was not so very
different from any other happy family--except that there was an
unusually large proportion of bright eyes and tanned faces.

But when spring cleared the snow away, made the bare patches of earth
quiver with coming life, sent the crows and an occasional flock of ducks
overhead--vagrants of the air, calling to their vagrant brothers about
the fire--there was no sorrow in the break-up of the family, but only a
universal joy in starting off for new adventures.

       *       *       *       *       *

That honest workman, "Struck Dumb," disappeared one afternoon, telling
Crook that he heard of much building at Duluth.

Crook laughed when Mother admired Mr. Struck Dumb's yearning for
creative toil. "That guy," Crook declared, "is an honest workman except
that he ain't honest and he won't work. He'll last about two days in
Duluth, and then he'll pike for Alberta or San Diego or some place. He's
got restless feet, same like me."

The K. C. Kid and Reddy jigged and shouted songs all one evening, and
were off for the north. At last no one but Father and Mother and Crook
was left. And they, too, were star-eyed with expectation of new roads,
new hills. They sat solemnly by the fire on their last evening. Mother
was magnificent in a new cloak, to buy which Father had secretly been
saving pennies out of the dimes that he had earned by working about the

Usually Crook McKusick was gravely cynical when he listened to Father's
cataract of excited plans, but he seemed wistful to-night, and he
nodded his head as though, for once, he really did believe that Father
and Mother would find some friendly village that would take them in.

Father was telling a story so ardently that he almost made himself
believe it: Some day, Mother and he would be crawling along the road and
discover a great estate. The owner, a whimsical man, a lonely and
eccentric bachelor of the type that always brightens English novels,
would invite them in, make Father his steward and Mother his lady
housekeeper. There would be a mystery in the house--a walled-off room, a
sound of voices at night in dark corridors where no voices could
possibly be, a hidden tragedy, and at last Father and Mother would lift
the burden from the place, and end their days in the rose-covered
dower-house.... Not that Father was sure just what a dower-house was,
but he was quite definite and positive about the rose-covering.

"How you run on," Mother yawned.

"Aw, let him," Crook cried, with sudden fierceness. "My Gawd! you two
almost make me believe that there is such a thing as faith left in this
dirty old world, that's always seemed to me just the back of an eternal
saloon. Maybe--maybe I'll find my ambition again.... Well--g' night."

When with their pack and their outlooking smiles the Applebys prepared
to start, next day, and turned to say good-by to Crook, he started,
cried, "I will!" and added, "I'm coming with you, for a while!"

For two days Crook McKusick tramped with them, suiting his lean
activity, his sardonic impatience, to their leisurely slowness. He
called to the blackbirds, he found pasque-flowers for them, and in the
sun-baked hollows between hillocks coaxed them to lie and dream.

But one morning they found a note:


    Heard a freight-train whistle and I'm off. But some day I'll
    find you again. I'll cut out the booze, anyway, and maybe I'll
    be a human being again. God bless you babes in the woods.

    C. McK.

"The poor boy! God will bless him, too, and keep him, because he's
opened his heart again," whispered Mother. "Are we babes in the woods,
Seth? I'd rather be that than a queen, long as I can be with you."

East and west, north and south, the hoboes journeyed, and everywhere
they carried with them fables of Mr. and Mrs. Seth Appleby, the famous
wanderers, who at seventy, eighty, ninety, were exploring the world.
Benighted tramps in city lock-ups, talking to bored police reporters,
told the story, and it began to appear in little filler paragraphs here
and there in newspapers.

Finally a feature-writer on a Boston paper, a man with imagination and a
sense of the dramatic, made a one-column Sunday story out of the
adventures of Mr. and Mrs. Appleby. He represented them as wealthy
New-Yorkers who were at once explorers and exponents of the simple life.
He said nothing about a shoe-store, a tea-room, a hobo-camp.

The idea of these old people making themselves a new life caught many
imaginations. The Sunday story was reprinted and reprinted till the
source of it was entirely forgotten. The names of the Applebys became
stock references in many newspaper offices--Father even had a new joke
appended to his name, as though he were an actor or an author or
Chauncey Depew.

The Applebys were largely unconscious of their floating fame. But as
they tramped westward through West Virginia, as the flood tide of spring
and the vigor of summer bore them across Ohio and into Indiana, they
found that in nearly every town people knew their names and were glad to
welcome them as guests instead of making them work for food. When Father
did insist on cutting wood or spading a garden, it was viewed as a
charming eccentricity in him, a consistent following of the simple life,
and they were delighted when he was so whimsical as to accept pay for
his work.

But he never played the mouth-organ--except to Mother!


They were in Indiana, now. They had saved up six dollars and twenty
cents, despite the fact that Father had overborne her caution and made
her dine at a lunch-room, now and then, or sleep at a hotel, while he
cheerfully scavenged in the neighborhood.

The shoes he had bought in West Virginia were impossible. They had been
mended and resoled, but the new soles had large concentric holes. Mother
discovered the fact, and decisively took the problem out of his hands.
He was going to take that six dollars and twenty cents, he was, and get
new shoes. It was incredible luxury.

He left Mother at a farm-house. He stood meditatively before the window
of a shoe-store in Lipsittsville, Indiana. Lawyer Vanduzen, who read the
papers, guessed who he was, and imparted the guess to the loafers in
front of the Regal Drug Store, who watched him respectfully.

Inside the shoe-store, the proprietor was excited. "Why," he exclaimed
to his assistant, "that must be Appleby, the pedestrian--fellow you read
so much about--the Indianapolis paper said just this morning that he was
some place in this part of the country--you know, the fellow who's
tramped all over Europe and Asia with his wife, and is bound for San
Francisco now." His one lone clerk, a youth with adenoids, gaped and
grunted. It was incredible to him that any one should walk without
having to.

Father was aware of the general interest, and as he was becoming used to
his rôle as public character, he marched into the store like the Lord
Mayor of London when he goes shopping in his gold coach with three men
and a boy in powdered wigs carrying his train.

The proprietor bowed and ventured: "Glad to see you with us, Mr.
Appleby. It is Mr. Appleby, isn't it?"

"Uh-huh," growled Father.

"Well, well! Tramping like yours is pretty hard on the footgear, and
that's a fact! Well, well! Believe me, you've come to just the right
store for sport shoes. We got a large line of smart new horsehide shoes.
Dear me! Tut, tut, tut, tut! What a pity, the way the tramping has worn
out yours--fine shoe, too, I can see that. Well, well, well, well! how
it surely does wear out the shoes, this long tramping. Peter, bring a
pair of those horsehide shoes for Mr. Appleby. Nice, small, aristocratic
foot, Mr. Appleby. If you worked in a shoe-store you'd know how

"Huh! Don't want horsehide. Try a pair o' those pigskin shoes over there
that you got a sale on."

"Well, well, you do know what you want," fawned the shoeman. "Those
pigskins are a very fine grade of shoe, and very inexpensive, very good
for tramping--"

"Yump. They'll do."

"Going to be with us long?" inquired the shoeman, after trying on the
shoes and cursing out Peter, the adenoidic clerk, in an abstracted,
hopeless manner.

"Nope." Father was wonderfully bored and superior. Surely not this Seth
Appleby but a twin of his, a weak-kneed inferior twin, had loafed in
Tompkins Square and wavered through the New York slums, longing for
something to do. He didn't really mean to be curt, but his chief
business in life was to get his shoes and hurry back to Mother, who was
waiting for him, a mile from town, at a farm where the lordly Father had
strung fence-wire and told high-colored stories for his breakfast.

The fascinated shoeman hated to let him go. The shoeman knew few
celebrities, and a five-mile motor ride was his wildest adventure. But
by the light of a secret lamp in the bathroom, when his wife supposed
him to have gone to bed, he breathlessly read the _Back o' the Beyond
Magazine_, and slew pirates with a rubber sponge, and made a Turkish
towel into a turban covered with quite valuable rubies, and coldly
defied all the sharks in the bathtub. He was an adventurer and he felt
that Father Appleby would understand his little-appreciated gallantry.
He continued, "The madam with you?"


"Say--uh--if I may be so bold and just suggest it, we'd be honored if
you and the madam could take dinner at our house and tell us about your
trip. The wife and me was talking about it just this morning. The wife
said, guessed we'd have to pike out and do the same thing! Hee, hee! And
Doc Schergan--fine bright man the doc, very able and cultured and
educated--he's crazy to meet you. We were talking about you just this
morning--read about your heading this way, in the Indianapolis paper.
Say," he leaned forward and whispered, after a look at his clerk which
ought to have exterminated that unadventurous youth--"say, is it true
what they say, that you're doing this on a ten-thousand-dollar bet?"

"Well," and Father thawed a little, "that's what they're all saying,
but, confidentially, and don't let this go any further, it isn't as much
as that. This is between you and I, now."

"Oh yessss," breathed the flattered shoeman. "There's your shoes, Mr.
Appleby. Four dollars, please. Thank you. And let me tell you,
confidentially, you got the best bargain in the store. I can see with
half an eye you've learned a lot about shoes. I suppose it's only
natural, tramping and wearing them out so fast and visiting the big
burgs and all--"

"Huh! Ought to know shoes. Used to be in business. Pilkings & Son's,
little old New York. Me and old Pilky practically started the business
together, as you might say."

"Well, well, well, well!" The shoeman stared in reverent amazement.
Then, as he could think of nothing further to say, he justly observed,

"Yump. That reminds me. Make that boy of yours rearrange that counter
case there. Those pink-satin evening slippers simply lose all their
display value when you stick those red-kid bed-slippers right up
ferninst them that way.

"Yes, yes, that's so. I'm much obliged to you for the tip, Mr. Appleby.
That's what it is to be trained in a big burg. But I'll have to
rearrange it myself. That boy Peter is no good. I'm letting him go, come

"That so?" said Father; then, authoritatively: "Peter, my boy, you ought
to try to make good here. Nothing I'd like better--if I had the
time--than to grow up in a shoe-store in a nice, pretty village like

"Yes, that's what I've told him many's the time. Do you hear what Mr.
Appleby says, Peter?... Say, Mr. Appleby, does this town really strike
you as having the future for the shoe business?"

"Why, sure."

"Are you ever likely to think about going back into the shoe business
again, some day? 'Course," apologetically, "you wouldn't ever want to
touch anything in as small a burg as this, but in a way it's kind of a
pity. I was just thinking of how the youngsters here would flock to
have you give 'em your expert advice as a sporting gentleman, instead of
hanging around that cheap-John shoe-store that those confounded
worthless Simpson boys try to run."

Father carefully put down the bundle of his new shoes, drew a long
breath, then tried to look bored again. Cautiously: "Yes, I've thought
some of going back into business. 'Course I'd hate to give up my
exploring and all, but-- Progress, you know; hate to lay down the burden
of big affairs after being right in the midst of them for so long."
Which was a recollection of some editorial Father had read in a stray
roadside newspaper. "And you mustn't suppose I'd be sniffy about
Lipsittsville. No, no; no, indeed. Not at all. I must say I don't know
when I've seen a more wide-awake, pretty town--and you can imagine how
many towns I must have seen. Maples and cement walks and nice houses
and--uh--wide-awake town.... Well, who knows! Perhaps some day I might
come back here and talk business with you. Ha, ha! Though I wouldn't put
in one cent of capital. No, sir! Not one red cent. All my money is
invested with my son-in-law--you know, Harris Hartwig, the famous
chemical works. Happen to know um?"

"Oh yes, indeed! Harry Sartwig. I don't know him _personally_, but of
course I've heard of him. Well, I do wish you'd think it over, some day,
Mr. Appleby. Indeed I understand about the capital. If you and me ever
did happen to come to terms, I'd try to see my way clear to giving you
an interest in the business, in return for your city experience and your
expert knowledge and fame and so on as an explorer--not that we outfit
so many explorers here. Hee, hee!"

"Well, maybe I'll think it over, some day. Well--well, maybe I'll see
you again before I get out of town. I'm kind of planning to stick around
here for a day or two. I'll talk over the suggestion with Mrs. Appleby.
Me, I could probably call off my wager; but she is really the one that
you'd have to convince. She's crazy for us to hike out and tramp clear
down into Mexico and Central America. Doesn't mind bandits and
revolutions no more than you and I would a mouse."

In his attempt to let people bluff themselves and accept him as a
person to be taken seriously, Father kept on trying to adhere to
the truth. But certainly this last statement of his was the grossest
misrepresentation of Mother's desires. Mother Appleby, with her still
unvanquished preference for tea and baths, did not have the slightest
desire to encounter bandits, snakes, deserts, or cacti of any variety.

"Well, look _here_, Mr. Appleby; if you are going to be around, couldn't
you and the madam come to dinner, as I was so bold as to suggest awhile
ago? That would give us a chance to discuss things. Aside from any
future business dicker between you and me personally, I'd like to show
you just why Lipsittsville is going to be a bigger town than Freiburg or
Taormina or Hongkong or Bryan or any of the other towns in the county,
let 'em say what they like! Or couldn't you come to supper to-night?
Then we could let the ladies gossip, and I'll have Doc Schergan come in,
and maybe him and me between us could persuade you to think of taking a
partnership with me--wouldn't cost you a cent of capital, neither. Why,
the doc was saying, just this morning, when we was speaking of having
read about you in the paper--he was saying that you were the kind of man
we need for president of our country club, instead of some dude like
that sissified Buck Simpson. Buck is as punk an athlete as he is a
shoeman, and, believe me, Mr. Appleby, we've got the makings of a fine
country club. We expect to have a club-house and tennis-courts and
golluf-links and all them things before long. We got a croquet-ground
right now! And every Fourthajuly we all go for a picnic. Now can't the
madam come? Make it supper this evening. But, say, I want to warn you
that if we ever did talk business, I don't see how I could very well
offer you more than a forty-per-cent. interest, in any case."

"No," growled Father, "wouldn't take over a third interest. Don't
believe in demanding too much. Live and let live, that's my motto."

"Yes, sir, and a fine motto it is, too," admired the shoeman.

"What time is supper?"

       *       *       *       *       *

"... and before I get through with it I'll own a chain of shoe-stores
from here to Indianapolis," said Father. "I'll be good for twenty years'
more business, and I'll wake this town up."

"I do believe you will, Father. But I just can't believe yet that you've
actually signed the contract and are a partner," Mother yearned. "Why,
it ain't possible."

"Guess it is possible, though, judging by this hundred dollar advance,"
Father chuckled. "Nice fellow, that shoeman--or he will be when he gets
over thinking I'm a tin god and sits down and plays crib like I was an
ordinary human being.... We ought to have larger show-windows. We'll
keep Peter on--don't want to make the boy lose his job on account of me.
Give him another chance.... I'm just wambling, Mother, but I'm so
excited at having a job again--"

With tiny pats of her arm, he stalked the street, conscious of the
admiring gaze of the villagers, among whom ran the news that the famous
explorer was going to remain with them.

When the landlord himself had preceded them up-stairs to the two rooms
which the shoeman had engaged for the Applebys at the Star Hotel, Father
chuckled: "Does it look more possible, now, with these rooms, eh? Let's
see, we must get a nice little picture of a kitten in a basket, to hang
over that radiator. Drat the landlord, I thought he'd stick here all
evening, and--I want to kiss you, my old honey, my comrade!"


The Lipsittsville Pioneer Shoe Store found Mr. Seth Appleby the best
investment it had ever made. The proprietor was timorous about having
given away thirty-three per cent. of his profits. But Mr. Appleby did
attract customers--from the banker's college-bred daughter to farmers
from the other side of the Lake--and he really did sell more shoes. He
became a person of lasting importance.

In a village, every clerk, every tradesman, has something of the same
distinctive importance as the doctors, the lawyers, the ministers. It
really makes a difference to you when Jim Smith changes from Brown's
grocery to Robinson's, because Jim knows what kind of sugar-corn you
like, and your second cousin married Jim's best friend. Bill Blank, the
tailor, is not just a mysterious agent who produces your clothes, but a
real personality, whose wife's bonnet is worth your study, even though
you are the wife of the mayor. So to every person in Lipsittsville Mr.
Seth Appleby was not just a lowly person on a stool who helped one in
the choice of shoes. He was a person, he was their brother, to be loved
or hated. If he had gone out of the shoe business there would have been
something else for him to do--he would have sold farm machinery or
driven on a rural mail route or collected rents, and have kept the same

It was very pleasant to Father to pass down the village street in the
sun, to call the town policeman "Ben" and the town banker "Major" and
the town newspaperman "Lym," and to be hailed as "Seth" in return. It
was diverting to join the little group of G. A. R. men in the back of
the Filson Land and Farms Company office, and have even the heroes of
Gettysburg pet him as a promising young adventurer and ask for his tales
of tramping.

Father was rather conscience-stricken when he saw how the town accepted
his pretense of being an explorer, but when he tried to tell the truth
everybody thought that he was merely being modest, and he finally
settled down contentedly to being a hero, to the great satisfaction of
all the town, which pointed out to unfortunate citizens of Freiburg and
Hongkong and Bryan and other rival villages that none of them had a
real up-to-date hero with all modern geographical improvements. In time,
as his partner, the shoeman, had predicted, Father was elected president
of the clubless country club, and organized a cross-country hike in
which he outdistanced all the others, including the young and boastful
Buck Simpson.

He was slowly recognized as being "in society." To tell the truth, most
of Lipsittsville was in society, but a few citizens weren't--Barney
Bachschluss, the saloon-keeper; Tony, who sawed wood and mowed lawns;
the workmen on the brick-yard and on the railway. Father was serenely
established upon a social plane infinitely loftier than theirs.

He wore a giddy, spotted, bat-wing tie, and his grand good gray trousers
were rigidly creased. He read editorials in the Indianapolis paper and
discussed them with Doc Schergan at the drug-store.

The only trouble was that Mother had nothing to do. She was
discontented, in their two rooms at the Star Hotel. No longer could she,
as in her long years of flat life in New York, be content to sit
dreaming and reading the paper. She was as brisk and strong and
effective as Father. Open woods and the windy road had given her a
restless joy in energy. She made a gown of gray silk and joined the
Chautauqua Circle, but that was not enough.

On an evening of late August, when a breeze was in the maples, when the
sunset was turquoise and citron green and the streets were serenely
happy, Father took her out for a walk. They passed the banker's mansion,
with its big curving screened porch, and its tower, and brought up at a
row of modern bungalows which had just been completed.

"I wanted you to see these," said Father, "because some time--this is a
secret I been keeping--some time I guess we'll be able to rent one of
these! Don't see why we can't early next year, the way things are

"Oh, Father!" she said, almost tearfully.

"Would you like it?"

"Like it! With a real house and something to keep my hands busy! And
maybe a kitty! And I would make you tea (I'm so tired of hotel food!)
and we would sit out here on the porch--"

"Yes, you'd have old Mr. Seth Appleby for tea-room customer. He's better
'n anybody they got on Cape Cod!"

"Yes, and you _are_ better, too, Father!"

"You old honeymooner! Say, I've got an idea. I wonder if we couldn't
sneak in a look inside of one of these bungalows. Let's try this door."

He shook the door-knob of a bungalow so new that laths and mortar were
still scattered about the yard. The door was locked. He tried the
windows as well. But he could not get in. Three other bungalows they
tried, and the fourth, the last of the row, was already occupied. But
they did steal up on the porch of one bungalow, and they exclaimed like
children when they beheld the big living-room, the huge fireplace, the
built-in shelves and, beyond the living-room, what seemed to be the
dining-room, with an enormous chandelier which may not, perhaps, have
been of the delicate reticence of a silver candlestick, but whose jags
and blobs of ruby and emerald and purple glass filled their hearts with

"We _will_ get one of these houses!" Father vowed. "I thought you'd like
them. I swear, I'll cut out my smoking, if necessary. Say! Got another
idea! I wonder if we couldn't make up some excuse and butt into the
bungalow that's been rented, and see how it looks furnished. I
understand there's some new-comers living there. We'll sort of make them
a neighborly call."

"Oh, do you think we ought to?"

Mother, she who had faced a sheriff's shot-gun, was timorous about
facing an irate matron, and she tagged hesitatingly after Father as he
marched along the row of bungalows, up the steps of the one that was
rented, and rang the bell.

The door was opened by a maid, in a Lipsittsville version of a uniform.

"Lady or gent o' the house in?" asked Father, airily sticking his new
derby on one side of his head and thrusting a thumb in an armhole, very
impudent and fresh and youthful.

"No, sir," said the maid, stupidly.

Mother sighed. To tell the truth, she had wanted to see the promised
land of this bungalow.

"Well, say, girl, Mrs. Appleby and I are thinking of renting one of
these here bungalonies, like the fellow says, and I wonder if we could
take a look at this house, to see how it looks furnished?"

The maid stared dumbly at him, looked suspiciously at Mother. Apparently
she decided that, though the flamboyant Father was likely to steal
everything in the house, Mother was a person to be trusted, and she
mumbled, "Yass, I gass so."

Father led the way in, and Mother stumbled over every possible obstacle,
so absorbed was she by the intimate pleasantness which furniture gave to
this big living-room--as large as the whole of their flat in New York.
Actually, the furniture wasn't impressive--just a few good willow
chairs, a big couch, a solid table. There were only two or three
pictures, one rug, and, in the built-in shelves, no books at all. But it
had space and cheerfulness; it was a home.

"Here's the dining-room, with butler's pantry, and that door on the
right looks like it might be a bedroom," Father announced, after a hasty
exploration, while the maid stared doubtfully. He went on, half
whispering, "Let's peep into the bedroom."

"No, no, we mustn't do that," Mother insisted, but regretfully. For she
was already wondering where, if she were running things, she would put a
sewing-machine. She had always agreed with Matilda Tubbs that
sewing-machines belonged in bedrooms.

While the maid shadowed him and Mother opened her mouth to rebuke him,
Father boldly pushed open the door on the right. He had guessed
correctly. It was a bedroom. Mother haughtily stayed in the center of
the living-room, but she couldn't help glancing through the open door,
and she sighed enviously as she saw the splendor of twin beds, with a
little table and an electric light between them, and the open door of a
tiled bathroom. It was too much that the mistress of the house should
have left her canary-yellow silk sweater on the foot of one bed. Mother
had wanted a silk sweater ever since she had beheld one flaunted on Cape

Father darted out, seized her wrists, dragged her into the bedroom, and
while she was exploding in the lecture he so richly deserved she
stopped, transfixed. Father was pointing to a picture over one bed, and
smiling strangely.

The picture was an oldish one, in a blackened old frame. It showed a
baby playing with kittens.

"Why!" gasped Mother--"why--why, it's just like the picture--it _is_ the
picture--that we got when Lulu was born--that we had to leave on the

"Yump," said Father. He still smiled strangely. He pointed at the table
between the twin beds. On the table was a little brown, dusty book.
Mother gazed at it dazedly. Her step was feeble as she tottered between
the beds, picked up the book, opened it. It was the New Testament which
she had had since girlhood, which she had carried all through their
hike, which she supposed to be in their rooms back at the Star Hotel.

There was a giggle from the doorway, and the apparently stupid maid was
there, bowing.

"Lena, has our trunk come from the hotel?" Father asked.

"Yessir, I just been sneaking it in the back way. Welcome home, mum,"
said the maid, and shut the door--from the other side.

Mother suddenly crumpled, burrowed her head against Father's shoulder
and sobbed: "This is ours? Our own? Now?"

"Yes, Mother, it sure am ours." Father still tried to speak airily, but
in his voice were passion and a grave happiness. "It's ours--_yours_!
And every stick of the furniture more than half paid for already! I
didn't tell you how well we're doing at the store. Say, golly, I sure
did have a time training Lena to play the game, like she didn't know
us. She thought I was plumb nutty, at first!"

"And I have a maid, too!" marveled Mother.

"Yes, and a garden if you want to keep busy outdoors. And a phonograph
with nineteen records, musical and comic, by Jiminy!"

To prove which he darted back into the living-room, started "Molly
Magee, My Girl," and to its cheerful strains he danced a fantastic jig,
while the maid stared from the dining-room, and Mother, at the bedroom
door, wept undisguisedly, murmuring, "Oh, my boy, my boy, that planned
it all to surprise me!"


Mother had, after an energetic September, succeeded in putting all the
furniture to rights and in evoking curtains and linen. Anybody, even the
impractical Father, can fill a house with furniture, but it takes two
women and at least four weeks to make the furniture look as though it
had grown there. She had roamed the fields, and brought home golden-rod
and Michaelmas daisies and maple leaves. She no longer panted or felt
dizzy when she ran up the stairs. She was a far younger woman than the
discreet brown hermit of the dusty New York flat, just as the new
Father, who had responsibility and affairs, was younger than the
Pilkings clerk of old.

Always she watched for Father's home-coming. He usually came prancing
home so happily that, one evening, when Mother saw him slowly plod down
the street, his head low, his hands sagging his pockets, she ran out to
the porch and greeted him with a despairing, "What is it, Seth?"

"Oh, nothing much." Before he would go on, Father put his arm about her
ample waist and led her to the new porch-swing overlooking the raw
spaded patch of earth that would be a rose-garden some day--that
already, to their imaginations, was brilliant with blossoms and alive
with birds.

She observed him mutely, anxiously. He handed a letter to her. It was in
their daughter's handwriting:


    I don't know if this letter will reach you, but have been
    reading pieces in Saserkopee & N. Y. papers about your goings-on
    and hear you are at a town called Lipsittsville, oh how could
    you run away from the beautiful home Harris & I gave you, I am
    sure if there was anything we didn't do for y'r comfort &
    happiness you had only to ask & here you go and make us a
    laughing stock in Saserkopee, we had told everyone you would be
    at our party & suddenly you up & disappear & it has taken us
    months to get in touch with you, such a wicked, untruthful lie
    about friend sick in Boston & all. Harris heard from a traveling
    salesman, & he agreed with Harris how thoughtless and wilful you
    are, & he told Harris that you are at this place Lipsittsville,
    so I will address you there & try & see if letter reaches you &
    tell you that though you must be ashamed of your conduct by now,
    we are willing to forgive & forget, I was never one to hold a
    grudge. I am sure if you had just stopped and thought you would
    have realized to what worry and inconvenience you have put us,
    & if this does reach you, by now I guess you will have had
    enough of being bums or pedestrians or whatever fancy name you
    call yourself, and be glad to come back to a good home and see
    if you can't show a little sense as you ought to at your time of
    life, & just think of what the effect must be on Harry when his
    very own grand-parents acts this way! If you will telegraph me,
    or write me if you have not got enough money for telegraphing,
    Harris will come for you, & we will see what can be done for
    you. We think and hope that a place can be found for you in the
    Cyrus K. Ginn Old People's Home, where you can spend your last
    days, I guess this time you will want to behave yourselves, and
    Harris & I will be glad to have you at our home from time to
    time. After all my love & thoughtfulness for you--but I guess I
    need not say anything more, by this time you will have learned
    your lesson.

        Your loving daughter,

Father and Mother had sat proudly on their porch the night before, and
they had greeted passers-by chattily, like people of substance, people
healthy and happy and responsible. Now they shrank on the swing; they
saw nothing but Lulu's determined disdain for their youthful
naughtiness; heard nothing but her voice, hard, unceasing, commenting,
complaining; and the obese and humorless humor of Mr. Harris Hartwig.

"She can't make us go back--confine us in this here home for old folks,
can she, legally?" It was Mother who turned to Father for reassurance.

"No, no. Certainly not.... I don't _think_ so." They sat still. They
seemed old again.

Just before dinner he started up from the swing, craftily laid his
finger beside his nose, and whispered something very exciting and
mysterious to Mother, who kept saying: "Yes, yes. Yes, yes. Yes, I'd be
willing to. Though it would be hard." Immediately after dinner they
walked sedately down the village street, while blackbirds whistled from
the pond and children sang ancient chants of play under the arc-lights
at corners, and neighbors cried "'Evenin'" to them, from chairs on
porches. They called upon the town newspaperman, old Lyman Ford, and
there was a conference with much laughter and pounding of knees--also a
pitcher of lemonade conjointly prepared by Mrs. S. Appleby and Mrs. L.
Ford. Finally the Applebys paraded to the telegraph-office, and to Mr.
Harris Hartwig, at Saserkopee, they sent this message:

    Come see us when can. Wire at once what day and train. Will

A sodden and pathetic figure, in his notorious blue-flannel shirt, and
the suit, or the unsuit, which he had worn into Lipsittsville in the
days when he had been a hobo, Father waited for the evening train and
for Mr. Harris Hartwig.

Mr. Hartwig descended the car steps like a general entering a conquered
province. Father nervously concealed his greasy shirt-front with his
left hand, and held out his right hand deprecatingly. Mr. Hartwig took
it into his strong, virile, but slightly damp, clasp, and held it (a
thing which Father devoutly hated) while he gazed magnanimously into
Father's shy eyes and, in a confidential growl which could scarce have
been heard farther away than Indianapolis, condescended: "Well, here we
are. I'm glad there's an end to all this wickedness and foolishness at
last. Where's Mother Appleby?"

"She wasn't feeling jus' like coming," Father mumbled. "I'll take you to

"How the devil are you earning a living?"

"Why, the gent that owns the biggest shoe-store here was so kind as to
give me sort of work round the store like."

"Yuh, as porter, I'll venture! You might just as well be sensible, for
once in your life, Father, and learn that you're past the age where you
can insist and demand and get any kind of work, or any kind of a place
to live in, that just suits your own sweet-fancy. Business ain't
charity, you know, and all these working people that think a business is
run just to suit _them_--! And that's why you ought to have been more
appreciative of all Lulu did for you--and then running away and bringing
her just about to the verge of nervous prostration worrying over you!"

They had left the station, now, and were passing along Maple Avenue,
with its glory of trees and shining lawns, the new Presbyterian church
and the Carnegie Library. Mr. Hartwig of Saserkopee was getting far too
much satisfaction out of his rôle as sage and counselor to notice Maple
Avenue. He never had the chance to play that rôle when the wife of his
bosom was about.

"Another thing," Mr. Hartwig was booming, as they approached the row of
bungalows where the Applebys lived, "you ought to have understood the
hardship you were bringing on Mother by taking her away from our
care--and you always pretending to be so fond of her and all. I don't
want to rub it in or nothing, but I always did say that I was suspicious
of these fellows that are always petting and stewing over their wives in
public--you can be dead sure that in private they ain't got any more
real consideration 'n' thoughtfulness for 'em than--than anything. And
you can see for yourself now-- Here you are. Why, just one look at you
is enough to show you're a failure! Why, my garbage-man wears a
better-looking suit than that!"

Though Father felt an acute desire to climb upon a convenient
carriage-block and punch the noble Roman head of Mr. Harris Hartwig, he
kept silent and looked as meek as he could and encouraged his dear
son-in-law to go on.

"We'll try to find some decent, respectable work for you," said Mr.
Hartwig. "You'll be at liberty to be away from the Old People's Home for
several hours a day, perfect freedom, and perhaps now and then you can
help at a sale at a shoe-store. Saserkopee is, as you probably know, the
best town of its size in New York, and if you did feel you had to keep
in touch with business, I can't for the life of me see why you came
clear out here to the West--little dinky town with no prospects or
nothing. Why even you, at your age, could turn a few dollars in
Saserkopee. 'Course with my influence there I could throw things your
way." Then, bitterly, "Though of course I wouldn't expect any thanks!"

They turned a corner, came to a row of new bungalows.

The whole block was filled with motor-cars, small black village ones,
but very comfortable and dependable. In a bungalow at the end of the
block a phonograph was being loud and cheery.

"Somebody giving a party," Mr. Hartwig oracularly informed Father.

"Why! Sure enough! So somebody is! Yes, yes! It must be my boss. That's
where I live. Boss lets us bunk in the dust-bin."

Father's voice was excited, slightly hysterical. Mr. Hartwig looked at
him wonderingly. "What do you mean, 'in the dust-bin'?" he asked, in a
puzzled way.

"I'll show you," said Father, and in a low, poisonous voice he added
certain words which could not be made out, but which sounded curiously
like "you great big fat weevily ham!"

"We can't butt into this party," protested Mr. Hartwig, suddenly feeling
himself in a strange town, among strangers, as Father took his arm in
front of the bungalow where the party was being fearlessly enacted.

"I never knew you to hesitate about butting in before," said Father.
"Some day I hope you butt into the Cyrus K. Ginn Home for Old Fossils,
but now--"

While Mr. Hartwig followed him in alarm, Father skipped up the steps,
jabbed at the push-button. The door opened on the living-room--and on a

In the center of a group of expensive-looking people stood Mother,
gorgeous in a gown like a herald's cloth-of-gold tabard. She was as
magnificent as one of the larger chairs in a New York hotel lobby. Her
hair was waved. She was coldly staring at Harris through a platinum
lorgnon. Round her were the élite of Lipsittsville--the set that wore
dinner coats and drove cars. A slim and pretty girl in saffron-colored
silk bowed elaborately. A tall man with an imperial chuckled.

"Why, Harris, this is ver', ver' pleasant. I had almost forgotten you
were coming," Mother said, languidly.... Harris could not know that the
distinguished pedestrian, actor, impresario, and capitalist, Mr. Seth
Appleby, had spent two hours and seventeen minutes in training the
unwilling Mother to deliver this speech. If Mother stumbled somewhat as
she went on, that merely enhanced her manner of delicate languor: "So
pleasant to see you. Just a few of our friends dropped in for a little
informal gathering. Would you like to wash up and join us? Seth dear,
will you ring for Lena and have her take dear Harris's bag to his room?
Did you bring your evening clothes, Harris?"

One time in his life, Harris had rented evening clothes, but otherwise--

They didn't give Harris a chance to ask for explanations. When, still in
his dusty bulbous gray sack suit, he hesitated out of his pleasant room,
he found that Father had changed to dinner coat and a stock, which he
was old enough to wear with distinction. Harris was firmly introduced to
Mr. Lyman Ford, sole owner and proprietor of the Lipsittsville _Ozone_.
He was backed into a corner, and filled with tidings about the glories
of Mr. and Mrs. Seth Appleby, their social position and athletic prowess
and financial solidity, and the general surpassing greatness of
Lipsittsville. In fact, Mr. Ford overdid it a little, and Mr. Hartwig
began to look suspicious--like a man about to sneeze, or one who fears
that you are going to try to borrow money from him.

But with an awkward wonder which expressed itself in his growing
shyness, his splay-footed awkwardness, his rapidly increasing deference
to Father, Mr. Hartwig saw Lena, the maid, spread forth tables for the
social and intellectual game of progressive euchre; saw Father combat
mightily with that king of euchre-players, Squire Trowbridge; saw the
winners presented with expensive-looking prizes. And there were
refreshments. The Lipsittsville _Ozone_ would, in next Thursday's issue,
be able to say, "Dainty refreshments, consisting of angel's-food,
ice-cream, coffee, macaroons, and several kinds of pleasing sandwiches,
were served."

Miss Mattie Ford, the society editor of the _Ozone_, was at her wittiest
during the food-consumption, and a discussion of Roosevelt and the
co-operative creamery engaged some of the brightest minds in
Lipsittsville. Father, listening entranced, whispered to Mother, as he
passed her with his tray of ice-cream, "I guess Harris don't hear any
bright talk like this in Saserkopee. Look at him. Goggle-eyed. I always
said he looked like a frog. Except that he looks more like a hog."

"I won't have you carrying on and being rude," Mother said, most

The party did not end till clear after eleven. When the street was loud
with the noise of cars starting, and quantities of ladies in silk wraps
laughingly took their departure, Mr. Harris Hartwig stood deserted by
the fireplace. When the door had closed on the last of the revelers
Father returned, glanced once at him, coldly stopped to pick up a chair
which had been upset, then stalked up to Harris and faced him, boring
him with an accusing glance.

"Well," said Harris, uneasily, "you sure got-- Say, I certainly got to
hand it to you, Father Appleby." Like a big, blubbery, smear-faced
school-boy he complained, "Gee! I don't think it's fair, making a goat
of me this way, when I came to do you a service and take you home and

He was so meek that Father took pity on him.

"We'll call it square," he said. "I guess maybe you and Lulu will quit
worrying, now, at last."

"Yes, I guess we'll have to.... Say, Father, this seems to be a fine,
live, prosperous town. Say, I wonder what's the chances for opening a
drug-store here? Competition is getting pretty severe in Saserkopee."

For the first time since he had married the lovely Lulu Harris Hartwig
seemed to care for his father-in-law's opinion.

Father took one horrified glance at Mother. The prospect of the
Hartwigs planted here in Eden, like a whole family of the most highly
irritating serpents, seemed to have paralyzed her. It was Father who
turned Harris's flank. Said he:

"Well, I'm afraid I can't encourage you. There's three good stores here,
and the proprietors of all of them are friends of mine, and I'm afraid I
couldn't do a thing about introducing you. In fact, I'd feel like a
traitor to them if I was responsible for any competition with them. So--
But some time, perhaps, we can have Lulu and Harry here for a visit."

"Thank you, Father. Well--"

"Well, I guess we all better be saying good night."

Father ostentatiously wound up the clock and locked the doors. Harris
watched him, his Adam's apple prettily rising and falling as he prepared
to speak and hesitated, again and again. Finally, as Father yawned and
extended his hand, Harris burst out: "Say, how--the--deuce--did you get
this house and all? What's the idea, anyway?"

For this Father had been waiting. He had nineteen large batteries
concealed in ambush. And he fired them. He fixed Harris with a glance
that was the condensed essence of all the fathers-in-law in the world.
"Young man," he snorted, "I don't discuss my business affairs. But I
don't mind saying that I am partner in one of the most flourishing
mercantile concerns in the State. I knew that Lulu and you would never
believe that the poor old folks could actually run their own business
unless you came and saw for yourself. I stand ready to refund the
railroad fare you spent in coming here. Now are you satisfied?"

"Why--why, yes--"

"Well, then, I guess we'll say good night."

"Good night," said Harris, forlornly.

       *       *       *       *       *

It was a proof of their complete recovery from Harris-Hartwigism that,
while they were undressing, the Applebys discussed Mr. Hartwig only for
a moment, and that Father volunteered: "I actually do hope that Lulu and
Harry will come to pay us a visit now. Maybe we can impress her, too. I
hope so. I really would like a chance to love our daughter a little.
Don't seem natural we should always have to be scared of her. Well,
let's forget the Hartwigs. They'll come around now. Catch them not
knowing where their bread is buttered. Why, think, maybe Lulu will let
me kiss her, some day, without criticizing my necktie while I'm doing

The Innocents, the conquering babes in the wood, put out all the lights
except the bedside lamp on the table between their twin beds. These
aristocratic beds were close enough together so that they could lie with
their out-stretched hands clasped. They had left the door into the
living-room open, and the low lights from the coals in the fireplace
made a path across the polished floor and the new rugs--a vista of
spaciousness and content.

"It's our first real home," murmured Father. "My old honey, we've come
home! We'll have the Tubbses here from the Cape, come Christmas-time.
Yes, and Crook McKusick, if we ever hear from him! And we'll play
cribbage. I bet I can beat Joe Tubbs four games out of five. Say, look
here, young woman, don't you go to sleep yet. I'm a hard-working man,
and it's Doc Schergan's orders that I got to be played with and hold
your hand like this for fourteen minutes every night, before I go to
sleep.... My old honey!"

"How you do run on!" said Mother, drowsily.


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search solutions for business and government.  The company's award-winning
software suite offers a broad range of search, navigation and discovery
solutions for desktop search, intranet search, SharePoint search and embedded
search applications.  ISYS has been deployed by thousands of organizations
operating in a variety of industries, including government, legal, law
enforcement, financial services, healthcare and recruitment.