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Title: A Defective Santa Claus Author: Riley, James Whitcomb, 1849-1916 Language: English As this book started as an ASCII text book there are no pictures available. Copyright Status: Not copyrighted in the United States. If you live elsewhere check the laws of your country before downloading this ebook. See comments about copyright issues at end of book. *** Start of this Doctrine Publishing Corporation Digital Book "A Defective Santa Claus" *** This book is indexed by ISYS Web Indexing system to allow the reader find any word or number within the document. [Illustration] A Defective Santa Claus [Illustration] A Defective Santa Claus JAMES WHITCOMB RILEY _With Pictures by_ C. M. RELYEA _and_ WILL VAWTER INDIANAPOLIS THE BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANY PUBLISHERS Copyright 1904 James Whitcomb Riley * * * * * December PRESS OF BRAUNWORTH & CO. BOOKBINDERS AND PRINTERS BROOKLYN, N. Y. _DEDICATION_ _To_ HEWITT HANSON HOWLAND WITH HALEST CHRISTMAS GREETINGS AND FRATERNAL _Little Boy! Halloo!--halloo! Can't you hear me calling you?-- Little Boy that used to be, Come in here and play with me._ A Defective Santa Claus [Illustration] A Defective Santa Claus Allus when our Pa he's away Nen Uncle Sidney comes to stay At our house here--so Ma an' me An' Etty an' Lee-Bob won't be Afeard ef anything at night Might happen--like Ma says it might. (Ef _Trip_ wuz _big_, I bet you he 'Uz best watch-dog you ever see!) An' so last winter--ist before It's go' be Chris'mus-Day,--w'y, shore Enough, Pa had to haf to go To 'tend a lawsuit--"An' the snow Ist right fer Santy Claus!" Pa said, As he clumb in old Ayersuz' sled, An' said he's sorry _he_ can't be With us that night--"'Cause," he-says-ee, "Old Santy _might_ be comin' here-- This very night of all the year [Illustration] [Illustration] _I'_ got to be away!--so all You kids must tell him--ef he call-- He's mighty welcome, an' yer Pa He left his love with you an' Ma An' Uncle Sid!" An' clucked, an' leant Back, laughin'--an' away they went! An' Uncle wave' his hands an' yells "Yer old horse ort to have on bells!" But Pa yell back an' laugh an' say "I 'spect when _Santy_ come this way It's time enough fer sleighbells nen!" An' holler back "Good-by!" again, An' reach out with the driver's whip An' cut behind an' drive back Trip. An' so all day it snowed an' snowed! An' Lee-Bob he ist watched the road, [Illustration] [Illustration] In his high-chair; an' Etty she U'd play with Uncle Sid an' me-- Like she wuz he'ppin' fetch in wood An' keepin' old fire goin' good, Where Ma she wuz a-cookin' there An' kitchen, too, an' ever'where! An' Uncle say, "'At's ist the way Yer Ma's b'en workin', night an' day, Sence she hain't big as Etty is Er Lee-Bob in that chair o' his!" Nen Ma she'd laugh 't what Uncle said, An' smack an' smoove his old bald head An' say "Clear out the way till I Can keep that pot from b'ilin' dry!" Nen Uncle, when she's gone back to The kitchen, says, "We _ust_ to do [Illustration] [Illustration] Some cookin' in the _ashes_.--_Say_, S'posin' we try some, thataway!" An' nen he send us to tell Ma Send two big 'taters in he saw Pa's b'en a-keepin' 'cause they got The premiun at the Fair. An' what You think?--He rake a grea'-big hole In the hot ashes, an' he roll Them old big 'taters in the place An' rake the coals back--an' his face Ist swettin' so's he purt'-nigh swear 'Cause it's so hot! An' when they're there 'Bout time 'at we fergit 'em, he Ist rake 'em out again--an' _gee_!-- He bu'st 'em with his fist wite on A' old stove-led, while Etty's gone [Illustration] [Illustration] To git the salt, an' butter, too-- Ist like he said she haf to do, No matter what _Ma_ say! An' so He salt an' butter 'em, an' blow 'Em cool enough fer us to eat-- An' _me_-o-_my_! they're hard to beat! An' Trip 'ud ist lay there an' pant Like he'd laugh _out loud_, but he can't. Nen Uncle fill his pipe--an' we 'Ud he'p him light it--Sis an' me,-- But mostly little Lee-Bob, 'cause "He's the best _Lighter_ ever wuz!" Like Uncle telled him wunst when Lee- Bob cried an' jerked the light from me, He wuz so mad! So Uncle pat An' pet him. (Lee-Bob's ust to that-- [Illustration] [Illustration] 'Cause he's the _little_-est, you know, An' allus has b'en humored so!) Nen Uncle gits the flat-arn out, An', while he's tellin' us all 'bout Old Chris'mus-times when _he's_ a kid, He ist cracked hickernuts, he did, Till they's a crockful, mighty nigh! An' when they're all done by an' by, He raked the red coals out again An' telled me, "Fetch that popcorn in, An' old three-leggud skillut--an' The _led_ an' all now, little man,-- An' yer old Uncle here 'ull show You how corn's popped, long years ago When me an' Santy Claus wuz boys On Pap's old place in Illinoise!-- [Illustration] [Illustration] An' your Pa, too, wuz chums, all through, With Santy!--Wisht Pa'd be here, too!" Nen Uncle sigh at Ma, an' she Pat him again, an' say to me An' Etty,--"You take warning fair!-- Don't talk too much, like Uncle there, Ner don't fergit, like _him_, my dears, That 'little pitchers has big ears!'" But Uncle say to her, "Clear out!-- Yer brother knows what he's about.-- _You_ git your Chris'mus-cookin' done Er these pore childern won't have none!" Nen Trip wake up an' raise, an' nen Turn roun' an' nen lay down again. An' one time Uncle Sidney say,-- "When dogs is sleepin' thataway, [Illustration] [Illustration] Like Trip, an' _whimpers_, it's a sign He'll ketch _eight_ rabbits--mayby _nine_-- Afore his fleas'll wake him--nen He'll bite hisse'f to sleep again An _try_ to dream he's go' ketch _ten_." An' when Ma's gone again back in The kitchen, Uncle scratch his chin An' say, "When Santy Claus an' Pa An' me wuz little boys--an' Ma, When she's 'bout big as Etty there;-- W'y,--'When we're _growed_--no matter _where_,' Santy he cross' his heart an' say,-- 'I'll come to see you, all, some day When _you'_ got childerns--all but me An' pore old Sid!'" Nen Uncle he Ist kindo' shade his eyes an' pour' [Illustration] [Illustration] 'Bout forty-'leven bushels more O' popcorn out the skillut there In Ma's new basket on the chair. An' nen he telled us--an' talk' low, "So Ma can't hear," he say:--"You know Yer _Pa_ know', when he drived away, Tomorry's go' be Chris'mus-_Day_;-- Well, nen _tonight_," he whisper, "see?-- It's go' be Chris'mus-_Eve_," says-ee, "An', like yer Pa hint, when he went, Old Santy Claus (now hush!) he's sent Yer Pa a postul-card, an' write He's shorely go' be here tonight.... That's why yer Pa's so bored to be _Away_ tonight, when Santy he Is go' be here, sleighbells an' all, [Illustration] [Illustration] To make you kids a Chris'mus-call!" An' we're so glad to know _fer shore_ He's comin', I roll on the floor-- An' here come Trip a-waller'n' roun' An' purt'-nigh knock the clo'eshorse down!-- An' Etty grab Lee-Bob an' prance All roun' the room like it's a dance-- Till Ma she come an' march us nen To dinner, where we're _still_ again, But _tickled_ so we ist can't eat But pie, an' ist the hot mincemeat With raisins in.--But _Uncle_ et, An' _Ma_. An' there they set an' set Till purt'-nigh supper-time; nen we Tell him he's got to fix the Tree 'Fore _Santy_ gits here, like he said. [Illustration] [Illustration] We go nen to the old woodshed-- All bundled up, through the deep snow-- "An' snowin' yet, _jee-rooshy-O_!" Uncle he said, an' he'p us wade Back where's the Chris'mus-Tree he's made Out of a little jackoak-top He git down at the sawmill-shop-- An' Trip 'ud run ahead, you know, An' 'tend-like he 'uz _eatin'_ snow-- When we all waddle back with it; An' Uncle set it up--an' git It wite in front the fireplace--'cause He says "'Tain't _so_ 'at Santy Claus Comes down _all_ chimblies,--least, tonight He's comin' in _this_ house all right-- By the front-door, as ort to be!-- [Illustration] [Illustration] We'll all be hid where we can _see_!" Nen he look up, an' he see Ma An' say, "It's ist too bad their _Pa_ Can't be here, so's to see the fun The childern _will_ have, ever' one!" Well, _we_!--We hardly couldn't wait Till it wuz dusk, an' dark an' late Enough to light the lamp!--An' Lee- Bob light a candle on the Tree-- "Ist _one_--'cause I'm 'The Lighter'!"--Nen He clumb on Uncle's knee again An' hug us _bofe_;--an' Etty git Her little chist an' set on it Wite clos't, while Uncle telled some more 'Bout Santy Claus, an' clo'es he wore "_All maked o' furs, an' trimmed as white_ [Illustration] [Illustration] _As cotton is, er snow at night_!" An' nen, all sudden-like, he say,-- "_Hush! Listen there! Hain't that a sleigh An' sleighbells jinglin'_?" Trip go "_whooh_!" Like _he_ hear bells an' _smell_ 'em, too. Nen we all listen.... An'-sir, shore Enough, we hear bells--more an' more A-jinglin' clos'ter--clos'ter still Down the old crook-road roun' the hill. An' Uncle he jumps up, an' all The chairs he jerks back by the wall An' th'ows a' overcoat an' pair O' winder-curtains over there An' says, "_Hide quick, er you're too late!-- Them bells is stoppin' at the gate!-- Git back o' them-'air chairs an' hide_, [Illustration] [Illustration] _'Cause I hear Santy's voice outside_!" An' _Bang! bang! bang!_ we heerd the door-- Nen it flewed open, an' the floor Blowed full o' snow--that's _first_ we saw, Till little Lee-Bob shriek' at Ma "_There's Santy Claus!--I know him by His big white mufftash!_"--an' ist cry An' laugh an' _squeal_ an' dance an' _yell_-- Till, when he quiet down a spell, Old Santy bow an' th'ow a kiss To him--an' one to me an' Sis-- An' nen go _clos't_ to Ma an' stoop An' kiss her--An' nen give a whoop That _fainted_ her!--'Cause when he bent An' kiss her, he ist backed an' went Wite 'ginst the Chris'mus-Tree ist where [Illustration] [Illustration] The candle's at Lee-Bob lit there!-- An' set his white-fur belt afire-- An' blaze streaked roun' his waist an' higher Wite up his old white beard an' th'oat!-- Nen Uncle grabs th' old overcoat An' flops it over Santy's head, An' swing the door wide back an' said, "Come out, old man!--an' _quick_ about It!--I've ist _got_ to put you out!" An' out he sprawled him in the snow-- "Now _roll_!" he says--"_Hi-roll-ee-O_!"-- An' Santy, sputter'n' "_Ouch! Gee-whiz!_" Ist roll an' roll fer all they is! An' Trip he's out there, too,--I know, 'Cause I could hear him yappin' so-- An' I heerd Santy, wunst er twic't, [Illustration] [Illustration] Say, as he's rollin', "_Drat the fice't_!" Nen Uncle come back in, an' shake Ma up, an' say, "Fer mercy-sake!-- He hain't hurt none!" An' nen he said,-- "You youngsters h'ist up-stairs to bed!-- Here! kiss yer Ma 'Good-night,' an' me,-- We'll he'p old Santy fix the Tree-- An' all yer whistles, horns an' drums I'll he'p you toot when morning comes!" * * * * * It's long while 'fore we go to sleep,-- 'Cause down-stairs, all-time somepin' keep A-kindo' scufflin' roun' the floors-- An' openin' doors, an' _shettin'_ doors-- An' could hear Trip a-whinin', too, Like he don't know ist _what_ to do-- [Illustration] [Illustration] An' tongs a-clankin' down _k'thump_!-- Nen some one squonkin' the old pump-- An' _Wooh!_ how cold it soun' out there! I could ist _see_ the pump-spout where It's got ice chin-whiskers all wet An' drippy--An' I see it yet! An' nen, seem-like, I hear some mens A-talkin' out there by the fence, An' one says, "Oh, 'bout twelve o'clock!" "Nen," 'nother'n says, "Here's to you, Doc!-- _God bless us ever' one_!" An' nen I heerd the old pump squonk again. An' nen I say my prayer all through Like Uncle Sidney learn' me to,-- "O Father mine, e'en as Thine own, This child looks up to Thee alone: [Illustration] [Illustration] Asleep or waking, give him still His Elder Brother's wish and will." An' that's the last I know.... Till Ma She's callin' us--an' so is _Pa_,-- He holler "_Chris'mus-gif'_!" an' say,-- "I'm got back home fer Chris'mus-Day!-- An' Uncle Sid's here, too--an' he Is nibblin' 'roun' yer Chris'mus-Tree!" Nen _Uncle_ holler, "I suppose Yer Pa's so proud he's froze his nose He wants to turn it up at us, 'Cause _Santy_ kick' up such a fuss-- Tetchin' hisse'f off same as ef He wuz his own fireworks hisse'f!" An' when we're down-stairs,--shore enough, Pa's nose _is_ froze an' salve an' stuff [Illustration] [Illustration] All on it--an' one hand's froze, too, An' got a old yarn red-and-blue Mitt on it--"An' he's froze some more Acrost his chist, an' kindo' sore All roun' his _dy_-fram," Uncle say.-- "But Pa he'd ort a-seen the way _Santy_ bear up last night when that- Air fire break out, an' quicker'n _scat_ He's all a-blazin', an' them-'air Gun-cotton whiskers that he wear Ist _flashin'_!--till I burn a hole In the snow with him, and he roll The front-yard dry as Chris'mus jokes Old parents plays on little folks! But, long's a smell o' tow er wool, I kep' him rollin' _beautiful_!-- [Illustration] [Illustration] Till I wuz _shore_ I _shorely_ see He's _squenched_! W'y, hadn't b'en fer _me_, That old man might a-burnt clear down Clean--plum'--level with the groun'!" Nen Ma say, "_There_, Sid; that'll do!-- Breakfast is ready--_Chris'mus_, too.-- Your voice 'ud soun' best, sayin' _Grace_-- Say it." An' Uncle bow' his face An' say so long a _Blessing_ nen, Trip bark' _two_ times 'fore it's "A-men!" [Illustration] [Illustration] *** End of this Doctrine Publishing Corporation Digital Book "A Defective Santa Claus" *** Doctrine Publishing Corporation provides digitized public domain materials. Public domain books belong to the public and we are merely their custodians. This effort is time consuming and expensive, so in order to keep providing this resource, we have taken steps to prevent abuse by commercial parties, including placing technical restrictions on automated querying. 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