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Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 102, April 30, 1892
Author: Various
Language: English
As this book started as an ASCII text book there are no pictures available.
Copyright Status: Not copyrighted in the United States. If you live elsewhere check the laws of your country before downloading this ebook. See comments about copyright issues at end of book.

*** Start of this Doctrine Publishing Corporation Digital Book "Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 102, April 30, 1892" ***

This book is indexed by ISYS Web Indexing system to allow the reader find any word or number within the document.

VOL. 102, APRIL 30, 1892***


VOL. 102

APRIL 30, 1892



    (By Wullie White, Author of "They Taught Her to Death"
    "A Pauper in Tulle," "My Cloudy Glare," "Green Pasterns in
    Picalilli," "Ran Fast to Royston," &c., &c., &c.)

["I now send you," writes this popular and delightful Author, "the
latest of the Novels in which I mingle delicate sentiment with
Hebridean or Highland scenery, and bring the wisdom of a Londoner to
bear directly upon the unsophisticated innocence of a kilt-wearing
population. I am now republishing my books in a series. I'll take
short odds about my salmon-flies as compared with anyone else's, and
am prepared to back my sunsets and cloud-effects against the world. No
takers. I thought not. Here goes!"]



I held it in my right hand, toying with it curiously, and not without
pleasure. It was merely a long, wooden pen-holder, inky and inert to
an unappreciative eye, but to me it was a bright magician, skilled
in the painting of glowing pictures, a traveller in many climes, a
tried and trusted friend, who had led me safely through many strange
adventures and much uncouth dialect. "Old friend," I said, addressing
it kindly, "shall you and I set out together on another journey? We
have seen many countries, and the faces of many men, and yet, though
we are advancing in years, the time has not yet come for me to lay
you down, as having no need of you. What say you--shall we start once
more?" I hear a confused sound as of men who murmur together, and
say, "We have supped full of horrors, and have waded chin-deep in
Zulu blood; we have followed the Clergy of the Established Church into
the recesses of terrible crimes, and have endured them as they bared
their too sensitive consciences to our gaze. We pine for simpler, and
more wholesome pleasures. Now," I continued, "if only Queen TITA and
the rest will help us, I think we can do something to satisfy this
clamour." For all answer, my pen-holder nestled lovingly in my hand.
I placed my patent sunset-nib in its mouth, waved it twice, dipped it
once, and began.


The weary day was at length sinking peacefully to rest behind the
distant hills. The packed and tumbled clouds lay heavily towards the
West, where a gaunt jagged tower of rock rose sheer into the sky.
And lo! suddenly a broad shaft of blood-red light shot through the
brooding cumulus and rested gorgeously upon the landscape. On each
side of this a thin silvery veil of mist crept slowly up and hung in
impalpable folds. The Atlantic sand stretching away to the North shone
with the effulgence of burnished copper. And now brilliant flickers
of coloured light, saffron, purple, green and rose danced over the
heaven's startled face. The piled clouds opened and showed in the
interspace a lurid lake of blood tinged with the pale violet of an
Irishwoman's eyes. Great pillars of flame sprang up rebelliously and
spread over the burning horizon. Then a strange, soft, yellow and
vaporous light raised its twelve bore breech-loading ejector to its
shoulder and shot across the Cryanlaughin hills, and the cattle shone
red in the green pastures, and everything else glowed, and the whole
world burned with the bewildering glare of a stout publican's nose in
a London fog. And silence came down upon the everlasting hills whose
outlines gleamed in a prismatic--

"That will do," said a mysterious Voice, "the paint-box is exhausted!"


I was shocked at this rude interruption.

"Sir!" I said, "I cannot see you, though I hear your voice. Will you
not disclose yourself?"

"Nonsense, man," said the aggravating, but invisible one, "do not
waste time. Let us get on with the story. You know what comes next.
_Revenons à nos saumons._ Ha, Ha! spare the rod and spoil the book!"

I was vexed, but I had to obey, and this was the result:

The pools were full of gleaming curves of silver, each one belonging
to a separate salmon of gigantic size fresh run from the sea. The
foaming Black Water tumbled headlong over its rocks and down its
narrow channel. DONALD, the big keeper, stood industriously upon the
bank arranging flies. "I hef been told," he observed, "tat ta English
will be coming to Styornoway, and there will be no more Gaelic spoken.
But perhaps it iss not true, for they will tell many lies. I am a
teffle of a liar myself."

And lo! as we watched, the grey sky seemed to be split in two by an
invisible wedge, and a purple gleam of light shot--

"Stow that!" said the Voice, "I have allowed you to put in a patch of
Gaelic, but I really cannot let you do any more sun-pictures. Try and
think that it is a close time for landscapes, and don't let the light
shoot again for a bit."

"All right," I retorted, not without annoyance, "but you'll just
have to make up your mind to lose that salmon. It was a magnificent
forty-pounder, and, if it hadn't been for your ridiculous
interruption, we should have landed him splendidly in another six

"As you like," said the Voice.


And now our journey was drawing to a close. Out of the solemn hush
of the purple mountains we had passed slowly southwards back to the
roar and the turmoil of the London streets. And many friends had
said farewell to us. SHEILA with her low, sweet brow, her exquisitely
curved lips, and her soft blue eyes had held us enraptured, and we
had wept with COQUETTE, and fiercely cheered the WHAUP while he held
WATTIE by the heels, and made him say a sweer. And we had talked
with MACLEOD and grown mournful with Madcap VIOLET, and had seen many
another fresh and charming face, and had talked Gaelic with gusto and
discrimination. And Queen TITA had sped with us, and we had adored
BELLE, and yet we cried for more. But now the dream-journey was past,
and lo! suddenly the whole heaven was blazing with light, and a bright
saffron band lay across--

"Steady there!" said the Voice. "Remember your promise!"


       *       *       *       *       *



MELBOURNE.--It is said, on good authority, that the favourite books of
the interesting prisoner now in custody are, the _Pilgrim's Progress_,
an Australian Summary of the _Newgate Calendar_, and the poetry of
the late Dr. Watts. He has also expressed himself as pleased with
Mrs. Humphrey Ward's latest work of fiction, though he does not quite
approve of the theological opinions of the writer.

PARIS, _Tuesday_.--The supposed author of the dynamite outrages, is
the recipient of numerous presents in prison, sent him by male and
female admirers, and persons anxious for his conversion and his
autograph. The edition of _Thomas à Kempis_, recently given him, is a
most valuable antique copy; but he complains of the print as unsuited
to his eyesight.

MELBOURNE. _Later_.--The Solicitor engaged on behalf of our
interesting prisoner has requested the Government to allow a
commission, consisting of the medical superintendents at Broadmore,
Hanwell and Colney Hatch, with six other English experts in insanity,
to come out to Australia to inquire into the mental condition of
the prisoner. A telegram has also been despatched to Lord SALISBURY
requesting that the LORD CHIEF JUSTICE OF ENGLAND and an Old Bailey
Jury may be sent out to try the case; otherwise there will be "no
chance of justice being done." The British PREMIER's reply has not yet
been received. It is believed that he is consulting Mr. GOSCHEN about
the probable cost of such a step.

MELBOURNE. _Latest_.--Through the instrumentality of an Official
connected with the prison, I am enabled to send you some important
information concerning our prisoner which you may take as absolutely
authentic. His breakfast this morning consisted of buttered toast,
coffee, and poached eggs. He complained that the latter were not
new-laid, and became very excited. It has also transpired that he is
strangely in favour of Imperial Federation, and he has declared to his
gaolers that "The friendship between England and her Colonies ought
to be cemented." This expression of opinion has created a profound

       *       *       *       *       *



    [In the Report of Lord WANTAGE's Committee, it appears that
    our Home Army costs seventeen and a-half millions per annum.
    The Duke of CAMBRIDGE doubts if we could rapidly mobilise one
    Army Corps. Sir EVELYN WOOD holds half the men under him at
    Aldershot are not equal to doing a day's service, even in
    England. The Duke of CONNAUGHT says half the battalions under
    his command are no good for service, cannot even carry their
    kits, and are not fit to march. Lord WOLSELEY, it is stated,
    compares the British Army to a "squeezed lemon."]

  "Squeezed lemon!" _That's_ encouraging!
    Wish Wolseley knew 'ow much it's pleased us.
  I'd like to arsk _one_ little thing:
    I wonder who it is who's squeezed us?
  The whole Report's a thing to cheer;
    Makes us feel proud and pleased, oh! very!
  And won't the bloomin' furrineer
    Over our horacles make merry?

  Costs seventeen millions and a arf,
    And carn't go nowhere, nor do nothink!
  That tots it up! They wouldn't charf,
    Eh, BILL, these Big Wigs! What do _you_ think?
  Therefore, we're just a useless lot.
    After pipe-claying and stiff-starching,
  We _might_ be good for stopping shot,
    Only that we're not fit for marching!

  We cannot carry our own kits!
    I say, Bill, _ain't_ we awful duffers?
  Not furrin foes, or Frenchy wits,
    Could more completely give us snuffers.
    All of a mind, for once, about us!
  What wonder Bungs dub us no good,
    And lackeys, snobs, and street-boys flout us?

  I see myself as others see;
    A weedy, narrer-chested stripling,
  Can't fight, can't march, can't 'ardly see!
    And yet young Mister RUDYARD KIPLING
  Don't picture hus as kiddies slack,
    Wot can't go out without our nurses,
  But ups and pats us on the back
    In very pooty potry-verses.[1]

  We're much obliged to 'im, I'm sure,
    (Though potry ain't my fav'rit reading,)
  He's civil, kind and not cock-sure;
    Good sense goes sometimes with good-breeding.
  So Tommy's best respects to _'im_,
    At Aldershot we'd like to treat 'im.
  Though if he bobs in Evelyn's swim,
    He _might_ not know us _when_ we meet 'im!

  But, Bill, if all this barney's _true_
    Consarnin' "Our Poor Little Army,"
  It must be nuts to Pollyvoo!
    _He_ needn't feel a mite alarmy.
  _Whose_ fault is it we cost a lot,
    And, if war comes, _must_ fail, or fly it?
  Well facts is facts, and bounce is rot;
    But, blarm it, BILL,--_I'd like to try it!_

  [Footnote 1: Mr. Kipling dedicates his "Barrack-Room Ballads"
  to "TOMMY ATKINS" in these lines:--

      I have made for you a song,
      An' it may be right or wrong,
    But only you can tell me if it's true;
      I've tried for to explain.
      Both your pleasure and   your pain,
    And, THOMAS, here's my best respects to you!

      Oh, there'll surely come a day
      When they'll grant you all your pay
    And treat you as a Christian ought to do;
      So, until that day comes round,
      Heaven keep you safe and sound,
    And, Thomas, here's my best respects to you!]

       *       *       *       *       *


_Artist_ (_to Customer, who has come to buy on behalf of a large
Furnishing Firm in Tottenham Court Road_). "HOW WOULD THIS SUIT YOU?


       *       *       *       *       *


Oh, ain't the Copperashun jest a cummin out in the Hi Art line! Why,
dreckly as they let it be nown as they was a willin to make room
in their bewtifool Galery for any of the finest picters in the hole
country as peepel was wantin to send there, jest to let the world
no as they'd got 'em, and that they wos considered good enuff by the
LORD MARE and the Sherriffs and all the hole Court of Haldermen, than
they came a poring in in such kwantities, that pore Mr. WELSH, the
Souperintendant, was obligated to arsk all the hole Court of common
Counselmen, what on airth he was to do with 'em, and they told him to
hinsult the Libery Committee on the matter, and they, like the lerned
gents as they is, told him to take down sum of the werry biggest and
the most strikingest as they'd got of their hone Picters and ang 'em
up in the Gildhall Westybool, as they calls it, coz it's in the East,
I spose, and so make room for a lot of the littel uns as had been
sent to 'em, coz they was painted by "Old Marsters," tho' who "Old
Marsters" was, I, for one, never could make out, xcep that he must
have well deserved his Nickname, considering the number of picters as
he must ha' painted. And now cums won of the werry cleverest dodges
as even a Welsh Souperintendant of Gildhall picturs coud posserbly
have thort on. Why what does he do? but he has taken down out of the
Gallery, won of the werry biggest, and one of the werry grandest,
Picters of moddern times, and has hung it up in the Westybool
aforesaid, to take the whole shine out of all the little uns as so
many hemnent swells had been ony too glad to send to Gildhall--"the
paytron of the Harts," as I herd a hemnent Halderman call it,--to give
'em the reel stamp as fust rate.

And now what does my thousands of readers suppose was the subjeck
of this werry grandest of all Picters? Why, no other than a most
magniffisent, splendid, gorgeus, large as life representashun of the
LORD MARE's Show, a cummin in all its full bewty and splender from the
middel of the Royal Xchange!!

But ewen that isn't all. For the Painter of this trewly hartistic
Picter, determined to make his grand work as truthful as it is
striking, has lawished his hole sole, so to speak, upon what are
undoubtedly the most commanding figures in the hole glorious display,
and them is the LORD MARE's three Gentlemen! with their wands of
power, and their glorious Unyforms, not forgetting their luvly silk
stockins; on this occasion, too, spotless as the rising Sun! To say
that they are the hobservd of all hobservers, and the hadmirashun of
all the fare sex, and the henvy of the other wun, need not be said,
tho they do try to hide their gelesy with a sickly smile.

Need I say that it is surrounded ewery day by a sercle of smiling
admirers, who, I have no doubt, come agane and agane, to show it to
their admiring friends; and, just to prove its grand success, the
werry last time as I was there, I owerheard a smiling gent say to his
friend,--"Well, TOM, as this is such a success, it would not supprise
me if the same hemnent Hartis was to paint the LORD MARE's Bankwet
next year, with all the Nobel Harmy of Waiters arranged in front!"
Wich Harmy will be pussinelly konduktid by your faithful


       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE POINT OF VIEW.



       *       *       *       *       *



    SCENE--_The Exterior of the Telephone Music Room in the
    Egyptian Vestibule. The time is about eight. A placard
    announces, "Manchester Theatre now on"; inside the wickets a
    small crowd is waiting for the door to be opened. A Cautious
    Man comes up to the turnstile with the air of a fox examining
    a trap._

_The Cautious Man_ (_to the Commissionnaire_). How long can I stay in
for sixpence?

_The Commissionnaire_. Ten Minutes, Sir.

_The C.M._ Only ten minutes, eh? But, look here, how do I know
there'll be anything going on while I'm _in_ there?

_Comm._ You'll find out that from the instruments, Sir.

_The C.M._ Ah, I daresay--but what _I_ mean is, suppose there's
nothing _to hear_--between the Acts and all that?

_Comm._ Comp'ny guarantees there's a performance on while you're in
the room, Sir.

[Illustration: "How very distinctly you hear the dialogue, Sir, don't

_The C.M._ Yes, but all these other people waiting to get in--How'm I
to know I shall get a _place_?

_Comm._ (_outraged_). Look 'ere, Sir, we're the National Telephone
Comp'ny with a reputation to lose, and if you've any ideer we want to
swindle you, all I can tell _you_ is--stop outside!

_The C.M._ (_suddenly subdued_). Oh--er--all right, thought I'd make
sure _first_, you know. Sixpence, isn't it?

    [_He passes into the enclosure, and joins the crowd._

_A Comic Man_ (_in an undertone to his Fiancée_). That's a careful
bloke, that is. Know the _value_ o' money, _he_ does. It'll have to
be a precious scientific sort o' telephone that takes _'im_ in. He'll
'ave _his_ six-pennorth, if it bursts the machine! Hullo, they're
letting us in now.

    [_The door is slightly opened from within, causing an
    expectant movement in crowd--the door is closed again._

_A Superior Young Lady_ (_to her Admirer_). I just caught a glimpse
of the people inside. They were all sitting holding things like
opera-glasses up to their ears--they did look so ridiculous!

_Her Admirer_. Well, it's about time they gave _us_ a chance of
looking ridiculous, their ten minutes must be up now. I've been trying
to think what this put me in mind of. _I_ know. Waiting outside the
Pit doors! doesn't it you?

_The Sup. Y.L._ (_languidly, for the benefit of the bystanders_). Do
they make you wait like this for the Pit?

_Her Admirer_. _Do they make you wait!_ Why, weren't you and I
three-quarters of an hour getting into the Adelphi the other evening?

_The Sup. Y.L._ (_annoyed with him_). I don't see any necessity to
bawl it out like that if we _were_.

    [_The discreetly curtained windows are thrown back, revealing
    persons inside reluctantly tearing themselves away from their
    telephones. As the door opens, there is a frantic rush to get

_An Attendant_ (_soothingly_). Don't crush, Ladies and
Gentlemen--plenty of room for all. Take your time!

    [_The crowd stream in, and pounce eagerly on chairs and
    telephones; the usual Fussy Family waste precious minutes
    in trying to get seats together, and get separated in the
    end. Undecided persons flit from one side to another.
    Gradually they all settle down, and stop their ears with
    the telephone-tubes, the prevailing expression being one of
    anxiety, combined with conscious and apologetic imbecility.
    Nervous people catch the eye of complete strangers across the
    table, and are seized with suppressed giggles. An Irritable
    Person finds himself between the Comic Man and a Chatty
    Old Gentleman.

_The Comic Man_ (_to his Fiancée, putting the tube to his ear_). Can't
get _my_ telephone to tork yet! (_Shakes it._) _I'll_ wake 'em up!
(_Puts the other tube to his mouth._) Hallo--hallo! are you there?
Look alive with that Show o' yours, Guv'nor--we ain't got long to
stop! (_Pretends to listen, and reply._) If you give me any of your
cheek, I'll come down and punch your 'ead! (_Applies a tube to his
eye._) All right, POLLY, they've _begun_--I can see the 'ero's legs!

_Polly_. Be quiet, can't you? I can't hold the tubes steady if you
will keep making me laugh so. (_Listening._) Oh, ALF, I can hear
singing--can't you? Isn't it lovely!

_The Com. M._ It seems to me there's a bluebottle, or something, got
inside mine--I can 'ear _im_!

_The Irr. P._ (_angrily, to himself_). How the deuce do they
expect--and that infernal organ in the nave has just started booming
again--they ought to send out and stop it!

_The Chatty O.G._ (_touching his elbow_). I beg your pardon, Sir, but
can you inform me what opera it is they're performing at Manchester?
The _Prima Donna_ seems to be just finishing a song. Wonderful how one
can hear it all!

_The Irr. P._ (_snapping_). Very wonderful indeed, under the
circumstances! (_He corks both ears with the tubes_). It's too
bad--now there's a confounded string-band beginning outs--(_Removes
the tube._) Eh, what? (_More angrily than ever._) Why, it's _in_ the
blanked thing! (_He fumbles with the tubes in trying to readjust them.
At last he succeeds, and, after listening intently, is rewarded by
hearing a muffled and ghostly voice, apparently from the bowels of the
earth, say_--"Ha, say you so? Then am I indeed the hooshiest hearsher
in the whole of Mumble-land!")

_The Chatty O.G._ (_nudging him_). How very distinctly you hear the
dialogue, Sir, don't you?

    [_The Irritable Person, without removing the tubes, turns
    and glares at him savagely, without producing the slightest

_Another Ghostly Voice_ (_very audibly_). The devil you are!

_A Careful Mother_. MINNIE, put them down at _once_, do you hear? I
can't have you listening to such language.

_Minnie_. Why, it's only at Manchester, Mother!

_Ghostly Voices and Sounds_ (_as they reach the Irritable Person_).
"You cursed scoundrel! So it was _you_ who burstled the billiboom, was
it? Stand back, there, I'll hork every gordle in his--!" (_... Sounds
of a scuffle ... A loud female scream, and firing ..._) "What have you

_The Ch. O.G._ Have you any sort of idea what he _has_ done, Sir?

    [_To the Irritable Person._

_The Irr. P._ No, Sir, and I'm not likely to have as long as--

    [_He listens with fierce determination._

_First Ghostly Voice_. Stop! Hear me--I can explain everything!

_Second Do. Do._ I will hear _nothing_, I tell you!

_First Do. Do._ You shall--you _must_! Listen. I am the only surviving
mumble of your unshle groolier.

_The Ch. O.G._ (_as before_). I think it must be a Melodrama and not
an Opera after all--from the language!

_An Innocent Matron_ (_who is listening, with her eyes devoutly fixed
on the Libretto of "The Mountebanks," under the firm conviction that
she is in direct communication with the Lyric Theatre._) I always
understood _The Mountebanks_ was a _musical_ piece, my dear, didn't
you? and even as it is, they don't seem to keep very close to the
words, as far as I can follow!

_Ghostly Voices_ (_in the Irritable Person's ear as before_). "Your
_wife_?" "Yes, my wife, and the only woman in the world I ever loved!"

_The Irr. P._ (_pleased, to himself._) Come, now I'm getting
accustomed to it, I can hear capitally!

_The Voices_. Then why have you--?...I will tell you all. Twenty-five
years ago, when a shinder foodle in the Borjeezlers I--

_A Still Small Voice_ (_in everybody's ear_). TIME, PLEASE.

_Everybody_ (_dropping the tubes, startled._) Where did _that_ come

_The Com. M._ They've been and cut it off at the main--just when it
was getting interesting!

_His Fiancée_. Well, I can't say I made out much of the plot myself.

_The Com. M._ I made out enough to cover a sixpence, anyhow. You
didn't expect the telephone to explain it all to you goin' along, and
give you cawfee between the Acts, did you?

_The Ch. O.G._ (_sidling affably up to the Irritable Person as he
is moving out_). Marvellous strides Science has made of late, Sir!
Almost incredible. I declare to _you_, while I was sitting there, I
positively felt inclined to ask myself the question--

_The Irr. P._ Allow me to say, Sir, that another time, if you will
obey that inclination, and put the question to yourself instead of
other people, you will be a more desirable neighbour in a Telephone
Room than, I confess I found you!

    [_He turns on his heel, indignantly._

_The Ch. O.G._ (_to himself_). 'Strordinary what unsociable people one
_does_ come across at times! Now I 'm always ready to talk to anybody,
I am--don't care _who_ they are. Well--well-- [_He walks on, musing._

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: QUITE NATURAL.



       *       *       *       *       *



  A masterpiece, worthy of TURNER,
    Was mine, there my friends all agree,
  No work of a pot-boiling learner,
        My "_View on the Dee_."

  A place on the line I expected,
    Associate shortly to be!
  Hang me, if it isn't rejected,
        And marked with a D!

  I will not repeat what I uttered
    When this was reported to me;
  The mere monosyllable muttered
        Begins with a D.

       *       *       *       *       *


    ["Sir JAMES FERGUSSON does not hesitate to declare his opinion
    that rudeness or incivility on the part of a Post-Office
    servant is, next to dishonesty, one of the worst offences
    he can commit. This notice is not addressed to men alone.
    Of the young women employed by the department, there are, he
    says, some, if not many, whom it is impossible to acquit of
    inattention and levity in the discharge of their official
    duties. It is Sir JAMES FERGUSSON's intention to ascertain, at
    short intervals, the effect of this notice on the behaviour of
    Post-Office officials generally."--_Daily Paper_.]

    SCENE--_Interior of a Post Office. Female Employees engaged
    in congenial pursuits._

_First Emp._ (_ending story_). And so she never got the bouquet, after
all, and he went to Margate, without even saying good-bye.

_Second Emp._ (_her Friend_). Well, that was hard upon her!

_First Member of the Public_ (_entering briskly and putting coppers on
the counter_). Now then, three penny stamps, please!

_First Emp._ (_to her Friend_). Yes, as you say, it _was_ hard, as of
course the matter of the pic-nic was no affair of hers.

_Second Emp._ (_sympathetically_). Of course not! They are all alike,
my dear!--all alike!

_First Mem. of the Pub._ (_impatiently_). Now then, three penny stamps

_First Emp._ Well, you are in a hurry! (_To her Friend_). And from
that day to this she has never heard from him.

_Second Emp._ And it would have been so easy to drop her a postcard
from Herne Bay.

_First Mem. of the Pub._ Am I to be kept waiting all day? Three penny
postage-stamps, please.

_First Emp._ (_leisurely_). What do you want?

_First Mem. of the Pub._ (_angrily_). Three penny postage-stamps, and
look sharp about it!

_First Emp._ (_giving stamp_). Threepence.

_First Mem. of the Pub._ (_furious_). A threepenny stamp! I want three
penny stamps. Three stamps costing a penny each. See?

_First Emp._ (_with calm unconcern_). Then why didn't you say so
before? (_Supplies stamps and turns to Friend._) Then MARIA of course
wanted to go to Birchington.

_Second Emp._ Why Birchington? Why did she want to go to Birchington?

_First Emp._ Well--_he_ of course was at Herne Bay.

_Second Emp._ Ah, now I begin to understand her artfulness.

_First Emp._ Ah, there you are right, my dear! She _was_ artful!

    [_Enter Second Member of the Public, covered up in cloaks and
    only showing the tip of his nose._

_Second Mem. of the Pub._ (_in a feeble voice_). Can you tell me,
please, when the Mail starts for India?

_First Emp._ Well, the sea air _is_ the sea air. And that reminds me,
what do you think of this tobacco-pouch for--

_Second Emp._ (_archly_). For I know who! Why, you have got his
initials in forget-me-nots!

_First Emp._ I think them so pretty, and they are very easy to do.

_Second Mem. of the Pub._ (_in a rather louder voice_). Can you tell
me, please, when the Mail starts for India?

_Second Emp._ I must say, dear, you have the most perfect taste.
Well, he will be ungrateful if he isn't charmed with them! Absolutely

_Second Mem, of the Pub._ (_louder still_). Will you be so good as to
say when the Mail starts for India?

_First Emp._ Oh, you _are_ in a hurry! (_To Friend._) Yes, I took
a lot of trouble in getting the gold beads. There is only one place
where you can get them. They don't sell them at the Stores.

_Second Mem. of the Pub._ (_in a loud tone of voice_). Again I ask you
when the Mail leaves for India?

_Second Emp._ And yet you can get almost anything you want there. Only
it's a terrible nuisance going from one place to another.

_Second Mem. of the Pub._ (_in a voice of thunder_). Silence! You are
an impudent set! You are calculated to injure the class to whom you
belong! I am ashamed of you!

_First Emp._ And who may you be?

_Second Mem. of the Pub._ Whom may I be? I will tell you! (_Throws off
his disguise_.) I am the Postmaster-General!!!

    [_Scene closes in upon a tableau suggestive of astonishment,
    contrition and excitement._

       *       *       *       *       *

ITS LATEST APPLICATION.--Chorus for Royal Academicians, for Monday

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: HISTORY EXAMS.

(_Effects on Education of Modern Advertising._)



       *       *       *       *       *



_After the Proclamation of the Anarchist Manifestoes, (With Apologies
to the Author of the magnificent "Hymn to Proserpine.")_

    ["For the third time the International mobilises its
    battalions.... Already the mere mention of the magical word
    'May-Day' throws the _bourgeoisie_ into a state of nervous
    trembling, and its cowardice only finds refuge in cynicism and
    ferocity. But whether the wretch (the _bourgeoisie_) likes
    it or not, the end draws nigh. Capitalist robbery is going
    to perish in mud and shame.... The conscious proletariat
    organises itself, and marches towards its emancipation.
    You can have it all your own way presently; proletarians
    of the whole world, serfs of the factory, the men of the
    workshop, the office, and the shop, who are mercilessly
    exploited and pitilessly assassinated.... For, lo! '93
    reappears on the horizon.... 'Vive l'Internationale
    des Travailleurs!'"--_Manifesto of the May-Day Labour
    Demonstration Executive Committee_.]

  Have we lived long enough to have seen one thing, that hate hath
          no end?
  Goddess, and maiden, and queen, must we hail _you_ as Labour's
          true friend?--
  Will you give us a prosperous morrow, and comfort the millions who
  Will you give them joy for their sorrow, sweet labour, and
          satisfied sleep?
  Sweet is the fragrance of flowers, and soft are the wings of the
  And no goodlier gift is there given than the dower of brotherly
  But you, O May-Day Medusa, whose glance makes the heart turn cold,
  Art a bitter Goddess to follow, a terrible Queen to behold.
  We are sick of spouting--the words burn deep and chafe: we are fain,
  To rest a little from clap-trap, and probe the wild promise of gain.
  For new gods we know not of are acclaimed by all babbledom's breath,
  And they promise us love-inspired life--by the red road of hatred
          and death.
  The gods, dethroned and deceased, cast forth--so the chatterers
  Are banished with Flora and Pan, and behold our new Queen of the
  New Queen, fresh crowned in the city, flower-drest, her
          snake-sceptre a rod,
  Her orb a decked dynamite bomb, which shall shatter all earth at
          her nod;
  But for us their newest device seems barren, and did they but dare
  To bare the new Queen of the May, were she angel or demon _when_

  Time and old gods are at strife; we dwell in the midst thereof,
  And they are but foolish who curse, and they are but shallow who
  Let hate die out, take rest, poor workers, be all at peace;
  Let the angry battle abate, and the barren bitterness cease!
  Ah, pleasant and pastoral picture! Thrice welcome whoever shall
  The sunshine of love after Winter, the blossoms of joy with the
  Wilt THOU bring it, O new May Queen? If thou canst, come and rule
          us, and take
  The laurel, the palm, and the pæan; all bondage but thine we would
  And welcome the branch and the dove. But we look, and we hold our
  That is not the visage of Love, and beneath the piled blossoms

  A Society all of Love and of Brotherhood! Beautiful dream!
  But alas for this Promise of May! Do not Labour's Floralia seem
  As flower-feasts fair to her followers? Look on the wreaths at her
  Flung by enthusiast hands from the mine, and the mill, and the
  Piled flower-offerings, thine, Proletariat Queen of the May!
  And what means the new Bona Dea? and what would her suppliants say?
  Organised strength, solidarity, power to band and to strike,
  Hope that is native to Spring,--and Hate, in all seasons alike;
  Mutual trust of the many--and menace malign for the few.
  Citizen, capitalist,--ah! the hours of _your_ empire seem few,
  An empire ill-gendered, unjust, blindly selfish, and heartlessly
  For the crushing of famishing weakness, the rearing of
          wealth-founded wrong.
  Few, if these throngs have their will, for the fierce proletariat
  For revenge on the full-fed _Bourgeoisie_ which ruthlessly harries
          and robs.
  'Tis fired with alarms, and it arms with hot haste for the
          imminent fray,
  For it quakes at the tramp of King Mob, and the thought of this
          Queen of the May.
  The bandit of Capital falls, and shall perish in shame and in filth!
  The harvest of Labour's at hand!--The harvest; but red is the
  And the reapers are wrathful and rash, and the swift-wielded
          sickle that strives
  For the sheaves, not the gleaners' scant ears, seems agog for the
          reaping of--lives!
  Assassins of Capital? Aye! And their weakening force will ye mee
  With assassins of Labour? Shall Brotherhood redden the field and
          the street?
  Beware of the bad black old lesson! Behold, and look close, and
  There are flowers at your newly-built shrine, is the evil old
          serpent not there?

[Illustration: THE NEW "QUEEN OF THE MAY."]

  The sword-edge and snake-bite, though hidden in blossoms, are
          hatred's old arms.
  And what is your May Queen at heart, oh, true hearts, that succumb
          to her charms?
  Dropped and deep in the blossoms, with eyes that flicker like fir
  The asp of Murder lies hid, which with poison shall feed your
  More than these things will she give, who looks fairer than all
          these things?
  Not while her sceptre's a snake, and her orb the red horror that
  Devilish, foul, round the world; while the hiss and the roar are
          the voice
  Of this monstrous new Queen of the May, in whose rule you would
          bid us rejoice.

       *       *       *       *       *




          He sat in the corner,
  And cried for his "Mummy!" and "Nuss!"
          For, while eating his cake,
          He had got by mistake
  In a horrid piratical 'bus.

          Now, some ten minutes back,
          You'd have seen little JACK
  From an Aërated Bread Shop emerge,
          And proceed down the Strand--
          Slice of cake in his hand--
  In a crumb-covered suit of blue serge.

          To be perfectly frank,
          He was bound for the Bank,
  For it chanced to be dividend day,
          And he jumped on the 'bus,
          After reasoning thus--
  In his logical juvenile way:--

          "Here's a 'bus passing by,
          And I cannot see why
  I should weary my infantile feet;
          I've a copper to spare,
          And the authorised fare
  Is a penny to Liverpool Street."

          As the 'bus cantered on,
          Little cake-eating JOHN
  In the corner contentedly sat,
          And with that one and this
          (Whether Mister or Miss)
  Had a meteorological chat.

          Came a bolt from the blue
          When, collecting his due,
  The conductor remarked, "Though I thank
          That young cake-eating gent
          For the penny he's sent,
  It's a _tuppenny_ ride to the Bank!"

          "You're a pirate!" sobbed JACK,
          "And your colours are black!"
  But he heard--as he struggled to speak--
          The conductor observe,
          With remarkable verve,
  That he didn't want none of his cheek!

          With a want of regard,
          He demanded JACK's card.
  And young HORNER was summoned next day,
          When the poor little lad
          Lost the battle, and had
  All the costs in addition to pay.

          Now the Moral is this:
          Little Master and Miss,
  Whom I'm writing these verses to please;
          If your tiny feet ache,
          Then a 'bus you may take,
  _But be sure it's an L.G.O.C.'s!_

       *       *       *       *       *


From the _Figaro_ for Dimanche, April 17, we make this extract:--

    "SPORTS ATHLÉTIQUES.--Le match international de foot ball
    entre le Stade Français et le Rosslyn Park foot ball Club de
    Londres sera joué demain sur le terrain du Cursing Club de
    France à Levallois. L'équipe anglaise est arrivée à Paris hier
    soir. Le match sera présidé par le marquis de Dufferin."

"The Cursing Club!" What an awful name! For what purpose are they
banded together? Is it to curse one another by their gods? to issue
forth on _premières_ to damn a new play? What fearful language would
be just audible, curses, not loud but deep, during the progress of
the Foot-ball Match over which the Marquis of DUFFERIN is to preside!
It is all over by now; but the result we have not seen. We hope there
is no Cursing Club in England. There existed, once upon a time, in
London, a Club with an awful Tartarian name, which might have been a
parent society to a Cursing Club. Let us trust--

    [*** The Editor puts short the article at this point, being
    of opinion that "Cursing" is only a misprint for "Coursing;"
    or, if not, he certainly gives _Le Figaro_ the benefit of the
    doubt. Note, also, that the match was to be played on "Cursing
    Club Ground," lent for the occasion, and was not to be played
    by Members of the "C.C."]

       *       *       *       *       *



_Enter AUTOLYCUS, singing._

  When books and magazines appear,
    With heigh! the hopes of a big sale!--
  Why, then comes in the cheat o' the year,
    And picks their plums, talk, song, or tale.

  The white sheets come, each page my "perk,"
    With heigh! sweet bards, O how they sing!--
  With paste and scissors I set to work;
    Shall a stolen song cost anything?

  The Poet tirra-lirra chants,
    With heigh! with heigh! he _must_ be a J.--
  His Summer songs supply my wants;
    They cost me nought--but, ah! they _pay_.

I have served Literature in my time, but now Literature is in _my_

  But shall I pay for what comes dear,
    To the pale scribes who write,--
  For news, and jokes, and stories queer?
    Walker! my friends, not quite!
  Since filchers may have leave to live,
    And vend their "borrowed" budget,
  For all my "notions" nix I'll give,
    Then sell them as I trudge it.

My traffic is (news) sheets. My father named me AUTOLYCUS, who,
being as I am, littered under Mercury, was likewise a snapper-up
of unconsidered trifles. With paste and scissors I procured this
caparison; and my revenue is the uninquiring public; gallows and gaol
are too powerful on the highway; picking and treadmilling are terrors
to burglars; but in _my_ line of theft I sleep free from the thought
of them. A prize! a prize!...

  Jog on, jog on, the foot-pad way,
    In the modern Sikes's style-a:
  Punctilious fools prefer to _pay_;
    But I at scruples smile-a.

... Ha, ha! what a fool Honesty is! and Trust, his sworn brother, a
very simple gentleman ... I understand the business, do it; to have an
open ear, a quick eye, and a nimble hand with the shears is necessary
for a (literary) cutpurse; a good nose is requisite also, to smell out
the good work of other people. I see this is the time that the unjust
man doth thrive.

       *       *       *       *       *



  At last! How long ago the time
    When England's paltry meanness killed
  Her greatest Sculptor in his prime.
  And hid his work, now called sublime,
    In narrow space so nearly filled!

  When, using Art beyond her taste,
    Her greatest Captain's tomb he wrought,
  That noblest effort was disgraced,--
  It seemed to her a needless waste,
    The Budget Surplus was her thought.

  Now may she, with some sense of shame,
    Amend the errors of the past,
  Show honour to the Great Duke's name,
  Repair the wrong to STEPHENS' fame,
    And move the Monument at last!

       *       *       *       *       *


It is believed that the Rossendale Union of Liberal Clubs, having
given a pair of slippers, a rug, and two pieces of cretonne to Mr.
GLADSTONE, will also make the following presents, in due course:--

_Sir W. L-ws-n._--Twelve dozen Tea-cosies, and ten yards of blue

_Mr. L-b-ch-re._--A Jester's cap.

_Sir W.V. H-rc-rt._--A Spencer, without arms, but emblazoned with
those of the Plantagenets.

_Mr. M-cl-re._--A Hood.

_Mr. McN-ll._--A knitted Respirator, to be worn in the House.

_Lord R. Ch-rch-ll._--Twelve dozen table-cloths, twenty-four dozen
Dinner-napkins, and thirty-six dozen Pudding-cloths.

_Sir E. Cl-rke._--A scarlet Jersey, inscribed "Salvation Army."

_Mr. R. Sp-nc-r._--A Smock Frock.

_Mr. B-lf-r._--Some Collars of Irish linen, and one of hemp, the
latter to be supplied by the Irish patriots in America.

_Mr. E. St-nh-pe._--A Necktie of green poplin, embroidered with

_Mr. M. H-ly._--An Ulster.

_Col. S-nd-rs-n._--A Cork jacket.

_Mr. W. O'Br-n._--A pair of Tr----rs, in fancy cretonne.

_Sir G.O. Tr-v-ly-n._--A Coat (reversible).

_Mr. C. C-nyb-re._--A Waistcoat (strait).

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "UNDERSTOOD."



       *       *       *       *       *


(_Imaginary Evidence that should be added to the Report of Lord
Wantage's Committee._)

_Chairman._ I think your name is RICHARD REDMOND?

_Witness._ I beg pardon, my Lord and Gentlemen--DICK REDMOND--simple,
gushing, explosive DICK.

_Chair._ Have you been known by any other name?

_Wit._ Off duty, my Lord, I have been called CHARLES WARNER. Nay,
why should I not confess it?--CHARLIE WARNER. Yes, my Lord, CHARLIE

_Chair._ You wish to describe how you were enlisted?

_Wit._ Yes, my Lord. It was in this way. I had returned from
some races in a dog-cart with a villain. We stopped at a wayside
public-house kept by a comic Irishman.

_Chair._ Are these details necessary?

_Wit._ Hear me, my Lord; hear me! I confess it, I took too much to
drink. Yes, my Lord, I was drunk! And then a Sergeant in the Dragoon
Guards gave me a shilling, and placed some ribands in my pot-hat,
and--well--I was a soldier! Yes, a soldier! And as a soldier was
refused permission to visit my dying mother!

_Chair._ Were there no other legal formalities in connection with
your enlistment? For instance--Were you not taken before an attesting

_Wit._ No, my Lord, no! I was carried off protesting, while my
villanous friend disappeared with my sweetheart! It was cruel, my Lord
and Gentlemen! It was very cruel!

_Chair._ Did you desert?

_Wit._ I did, my Lord--after I had obtained a uniform fitting closely
to the figure; but it was only that I might obtain the blessing of my
mother! And when I returned home the soldiers followed me--and might
have killed me!

_Chair._ How was that?

_Wit._ When I had taken refuge in a haystack, they prodded the
haystack with their swords! And this is life in the Army!

_Chair._ Were you arrested on discovery?

_Wit._ No; they spared me that indignity! They saw, my Lord, that my
mother was dying, and respectfully fell back while I assisted the old
Lady to pass away peacefully. But then, after all, they were men. In
spite of their red patrol jackets, brass helmets, and no spurs, they
were men, my Lord,--men! And, as soldiers, after I had broken from
prison, and was accused of murder, they again released me, because
some one promised to buy my discharge!

_Chair._ And where are you quartered?

_Wit._ At the Royal Princess's Theatre, Oxford Street, where I have
these strange experiences of discipline, and where I am enlisted in
the unconventional, not to say illegal, way I have described, nightly;
nay, sometimes twice daily!

_Chair._ And why have you proffered your evidence?

_Wit._ Because I think the Public ought to know, my Lord, the great
services afforded by the most recent Melodrama to the popularity of
the Army, and--yes, the cause of recruiting!

    [_The Witness then withdrew._

       *       *       *       *       *


  All the papers teeming
  With, the news of DEEMING
    On the shore or ship;
  Telling of his tearing
  Hair that he was wearing
    From his upper lip.

  (T-SS-D, rush! Pursue it!
  Buy it, bring it, glue it
    On your model! Quick!)
  Telling how he's looking,
  How he likes the cooking,--
    Bah, it makes one sick!

  Telling of his bearing,
  How the crowds are staring,
    What may be his fate,
  Just what clothes he wore the
  Days he came before the
    Local Magistrate.

  And, verbatim printed
  All he's said or hinted
    As to any deeds;
  Such a chance as this is
  Not a paper misses!
    Everybody reads!

  Would they give such latest
  News of best and greatest
    Folks? What's that you say?
  Who would read of virtue,
  Or such news insert? You
    Know it would not pay.

  So, demand creating
  Such supply, they're stating
    All that they can tell;
  Spite of School-Board teaching,
  Culture, science, preaching,
    This is sure to sell.

       *       *       *       *       *


       *       *       *       *       *


       *       *       *       *       *




I can quite understand that a young girl may not care much for the
mere material dinner. The palate is a pleasure of maturity. The
woman of fifty probably includes a menu or two among her most sacred
memories; but the young girl is capable of dining on part of a cutlet,
any pink sweetmeat, and some tea. But I must confess that I was
surprised at another objection to dining-out that a young girl, only
at the end of her second season, once made to me. She said that she
positively could not stand any longer the conversation of the average
young man of Society. I asked her why, and she then asserted that this
sort of young man confined himself to flat badinage and personal brag,
which he was mistaken in believing to be veiled. What she said was,
of course, perfectly true. Civilisation is responsible for the flat
badinage, for civilisation requires that conversation shall be light
and amusing, but can provide no remedy for slow wits; on the other
hand, the personal brag is a relic of the original man. The badinage
is the young man's defect in art; the brag is his defect in nature.
But I fail to see any objection to such conversation; on the contrary,
it is charming because it _is_ so average; you know beforehand just
what you will hear and just what you will say, and everything is
consequently made easy. The man puts on that kind of talk just as
he puts on his dress-coat; both are part of the evening uniform. The
motto of the perfect young man of Society is "I resemble." I pointed
all this out to the young girl in question, and she retorted that
it was a pity that silence was a lost art. However, she continued to
dine-out and to take her part in the only possible conversation, and
after all Society rather encourages theoretical rebellion, provided
that it is accompanied by practical submission.


From the point of view of sentiment, a dinner has less potentialities
than a dance; but the dinner may begin what the dance will end; you
set light to the fuse in the dining-room, and the explosion takes
place six weeks afterwards in someone-else's conservatory. Nothing
much can be done on the staircase; but, if you can decently pretend
that you have heard of the young man who is taking you in, he will
probably like it. If, after a few minutes, you decide that it is
worth while to interest the young man, discourage his flat badinage,
and encourage his personal brag. The only thing in which it is quite
certain that every man will be interested is, the interest someone
else takes in him. Later on, he will probably be induced to illustrate
the topic of conversation by telling you (if it would not bore you)
of a little incident which happened to himself. The incident will be
prettily coloured for dinner-table use, and he will make the story
prove a merit in himself, which he will take care to disclaim vainly.
When he has finished, look very meditatively at your plate, as if you
saw visions in it, and then turn on him suddenly with wide eyes--with
the right kind of eyelashes, this is effective.

"I suppose you don't know it, Mr. BLANK," you tell him, "but really I
can't help saying it. You behaved splendidly--splendidly!"

Droop the eyelashes quickly, and become meditative again. He will
deprecate your compliment a little incoherently.

"Not at all, not at all--Miss--er--ASTERISK--I really--assure
you--nothing more than any--er--other man would have done. Some
other people at the time told me"--(_laughs nervously_)--"very
much--er--what you have just said, but--er--personally,
I--really--could never see it, or of course I wouldn't have mentioned
it to you."

Your rejoinder will depend a good deal on how far you mean to go, and
how much of that kind of thing you think you can stand. If you like,
you can drop your handkerchief or your glove when you rise; it will
please him to pick it up for you, and he will feel, for a moment, as
if he had saved your life.

If you do not want to please the man, but only to show your own
superiority, it may perhaps be as well to remember that women are
better than men, as a rule, in flat badinage. Men talk best when they
are by themselves, but they are liable to be painfully natural at such
times. I had some little difficulty in finding this out, but I thought
it my duty to know, and--well, I _do_ know.

The correspondence that I have received has not been altogether
pleasant. I have had one letter from ETHEL (aged thirteen) saying that
she thinks me a mean sneak for prying into other people's Diaries.
I can only reply that I was acting for the public good. I have had
a sweet letter, however, from "AZALEA." She has been absolutely
compelled, by force of circumstances, to allow the distinct attentions
of three different men. She does not give the names of the men, only
descriptions, but I should advise her to keep the dark one. She can
see the will at Somerset House. "JANE" writes to ask what is the best
cure for freckles. I do not answer questions of that kind. I have
replied to my other correspondents privately.

       *       *       *       *       *




  Arming the Amazons against the Greeks?
  That PRIAM SALISBURY tried some few short weeks
  Before the present fray. FAWCETTA fair
  Had prayed; the question then seemed "in the air,"
  And PRIAM proffered then the Franchise-spear,
  (A shadowy one, that gave no grounds for fear,)
                      Now, ah, now
  ROLLITTUS moves, there's going to be a row,
  And lo! the mingled ranks of Greece and Troy
  Close 'gainst the Amazons. Her steed, a toy,
  A hobby-horse, that any maid may mount,
  Is not--just now--of any great account.
  Her phantom spear will pierce no stout male mail;
  But should ROLLITTUS _not_--(confound him!)--fail,
  A female host, well armed, and _not_ on hobbies,
  Might prove as dangerous as a batch of Bobbies.
  The fair FAWCETTA then must be thrown over;
  PENTHESILEA finds no hero-lover
  In either host. PRIAM, abroad, is dumb.
  Ah, maiden-hosts, man's love for you's a hum.
  Each fears you--in the foeman's cohorts thrown,
  But _neither side desires you in its own!_
  The false GLADSTONIUS first, he whom you nourish,
  A snake in your spare bosoms, dares to flourish
  Fresh arms against you; potent, though polite,
  He fain would bow you out of the big fight,
  Civilly shelve you. "Don't kick up a row,
  And--spoil my game! Another day, not now,
  There's a _dear_ creature!" CHAMBERLAINIUS, too,
  Hard as a nail, and squirmy as a screw,
  Sides with the elder hero, just for once;
  CHAPLINIUS also, active for the nonce
  On the Greek side, makes up the Traitrous Three,
  One from each faction! Ah! 'tis sad to see
  PENTHESILEA, fierce male foes unite
  In keeping female warriors from the fight;
  Yet think, look round, and--you _may_ find they're right!

       *       *       *       *       *

NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.

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