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Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 102, July 2, 1892
Author: Various
Language: English
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Copyright Status: Not copyrighted in the United States. If you live elsewhere check the laws of your country before downloading this ebook. See comments about copyright issues at end of book.

*** Start of this Doctrine Publishing Corporation Digital Book "Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 102, July 2, 1892" ***

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PUNCH,

OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

VOL. 102.



July 2, 1892.



OPERATIC NOTES.

[Illustration: Ancient Brass-Work, in memory of Wagner the Great
Worker in Brass.]

_Wednesday._--WAGNER. Vainly the Daughters of the River, representing
the floating capital of the Banks of the Rhine, cry "Woa! Woa!" The
orchestra, under the direction of Herr MAHLER, takes no notice of
them, but goes on Wagnerianly, inexorably. Thus swimmingly we reach
Walhall--where the fire-god _Loge_ has a _logement_ with very heavy
insurance. _Wotan_ and _Loge_ in search of the gold. Then we meet
the _Nibelungs_ and the _Nibelights_, all livers under a water-cure
system; and then--it's like a musical nightmare--_Alberich_ changes
himself into a toad and is towed off as a prisoner. _Fafner_ settles
_Fasolt_ by a drum-head Court Martial, so that _Fafner_ gets the
golden honey, and _Fasolt_ gets the whacks--and--please, Sir, I don't
know any more--but some of the music is running river-like and lovely,
more is puzzling, and much of it must remind Sir DRURIOLANUS of the
rum-tum-tiddy-iddy-iddy-um-bang-whack of a great Drury Pantomime.
House full; Duke and Duchess of EDINBURGH, with Princess MARIE
and Crown Prince of ROUMANIA, enjoying themselves Wagnerially and
Rou-manically.

_Saturday.--Le Prophète._ JOHN DE RESZKÉ not up to his usual form as
the Sporting Prophet; but his little Brother EDWARD, and Messieurs
MONTARIOL and CASTELMARY, first-rate as the three conspiring
undertakers. Madame DESCHAMPS-JÉHIN, as _Fides_, very fine. "House,"
also, very fine, and large.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE BONES OF JOSEPH.

[Illustration]

Dear _Mr. Punch_,--When writing to a Journal of light and leaders--or
misleaders--last Friday, I kept "a little bit up my sleeve," so to
speak, for the Brightest, Lightest, and Leadingest of all papers
yclept the one, Sir, that bears your honoured name. After quoting from
Mr. CHAMBERLAIN at Holloway (not _in_ Holloway) on June 17, 1885,
as a gentle reminder to Mr. GOSCHEN--_their_ "Mr. G."--I observed,
"Perhaps, however, there are reasons why the 'Egyptian Skeleton'
prefers to forget the speeches of Mr. CHAMBERLAIN in 1885." It struck
me that, having already an Egyptian Skeleton, we might have as its
companion a Brummagem Skeleton, which everyone can see through, and
this sketch I beg to submit to you, _pro bono publico_. Always, _Mr.
Punch_, your most obedient "subject" (artistically),

W.V. H-RC-RT.

       *       *       *       *       *

THE FÊTE OF FLORA.

[Illustration: First Prize--Love among the Roses.]

Were it not that the salutation were infelicitous, we should have
said, "Hail, all hail!" to the _Fête_ at the Botanical Gardens,
Regent's Park, last Wednesday. Besides, they have always an Aquarius
of the name of WATERER on the premises, whose Rhododendrons are
magnificent. So we didn't say "All hail!" and there was not a single
drop, of rain, or in the attendance, to damage a charming show which
has so often been spoilt by the drop too much that has floored many a
_Fête_ of Flora. Nothing could have been prettier. Flowers of speech
are inadequate to describe the scene. "Simply lovely!" is the best
epitome of praise.

       *       *       *       *       *

LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS.

_The Look-out, Sheepsdoor, Kent_.

DEAR MR. PUNCH,

Ascot has been too much for me! What with the excitement of racing all
day, and bézique half the night--(another sign of the times; women no
longer "play for love," but "love to play!")--to say nothing of the
constant strain on one's nerves as to what the weather was going
to do to one's gowns, I have had a severe attack of overwork, with
complicating symptoms of my old enemy, idleness!--so that, on my
return to town, my Doctor--(he's a _dear_ man, and prescribes just
what I suggest)--insisted that I should at once run down to the
Seaside to recuperate. Hence my retirement to the little fishing
village of Sheepsdoor in Kent, "far from the gadding crowd;" a most
delightfully rural and little-known resort, where we all go about in
brown canvas-shoes--(russia-leather undreamt of!)--and wear out all
our old things, utterly regardless of whether we look "_en suite_"
or not. The only precaution _I_ take is to carry in my pocket a thick
veil, which I pop on if I see anybody with evidences of "style" about
them coming my way; fortunately, this has only happened once, when
I met a certain well-known "Merry Duchess" and her charming little
daughter, who both failed to penetrate my disguise!

I am sorry that my selected horse for the Windsor June Handicap did
not run--though the word of command was given, "_Macready_!"--he was
not told to be "present!"--being presumably short of a gallop or two,
and therefore lacking "fire!" This little series of jokes is proudly
dedicated to the _Military_, and _Civilians_ are "warned off!"--which
is another turf expression. The much-needed rain has come at last,
and the Heath should be in fine condition, which was more than its
namesake at Ascot was, and all for want of a little attention--I am
told that the far end was all in lumps, which caused the "_Lover_" to
come down in his race--though that was hardly a surprise, as we know
that "the course of true love never _did_ run smooth!"

Now--dear _Mr. Punch_, if you want a few hours' fresh air, command the
special train, which I am told, is kept in readiness for you at every
London Terminus, to transport you--(not for your _country's_ good,
but _your own_)--to Sheepsdoor, Kent, where you shall receive a
hearty welcome--Lord ARTHUR is not with me, but my French maid will
_chaperon_ us--_if necessary_.

Yours devotedly,
  LADY GAY.

STUD PRODUCE SELECTION.

  To a Circus in Lancashire, once I went,
    To see a performing dog dance!
  But, my money in vain I found I'd spent,
    For I much prefer a "_Clog Dance_."

       *       *       *       *       *

THE TWO SARAS OF THE SEASON.--SARA BERNHARDT and SARA SATE.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: UNA AND THE BRITISH LION.

A CARTOON FROM A BIRMINGHAM COLLECTION.]

_Whereto a Brummagem Bard hath set these Spenserian Stanzas._

    [Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, in his Election Address, explains how he
    has co-operated with the Conservative Government in order to
    maintain the Union between Great Britain and Ireland.]

  The lyon would not leave her desolate,
  But with her went along as a strong gard
  Of her chast person, and a faithfull mate
  Of her sad troubles and misfortunes hard;
  And over her he kept both watch and ward,
  With the assistance of two valiant knightes,
  Prince ARTHURE, and the Red Crosse Paladin,
  A pair of brotherlie and doughtie wightes,
  Though erst had they indulged in mutual flouts and spites.

  For loe! a divelish dragon didde infest
  That region, and fair UNA strove to slay.
  Her to protect from that prodigious pest,
  The Red Crosse Knight--who lived out Midland way--
  Didde, with Prince ARTHURE, travel day by day,
  And prodded up that lyon as they strode,
  With their speare pointes, as though in jovial play,
  To holde fair UNA, who her safety owed,
  Unto the puissant beaste whereon she proudlie rode.

  Anon they heard a roaring hideous sound
  That all the ayre with terror filled wyde,
  And seemed uneath to shake the stedfast ground;
  Eftsoones that dreadful dragon they espyde,
  Where stretcht he lay upon the sunny side
  Of a great hill, himself like a great hill:
  But, all so soone as he from far descryde
  Those glistering knights banded in right good will,
  He rous'd himselfe full blyth, and hastned them untill.

  Then badd those knightes fair UNA yede aloof,
  Whiles they attacked that dragon side by side,
  And put the issue to stern battaille's proof;
  "We'll give this Big Green Bogey beans!" they cryde,
  That Red Crosse Knight of Brummagem in his pride,
  And brave Prince ARTHURE of the shining crest.
  But if victoriously their blades they plied,
  Or, baffled by the dragon, gave him beste,--
  Why, that the barde will sing _after_ the battaille's teste!

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "THROUGH DARKEST LAMBETH."]

POLITICS.

(_BY A CONFUSED CITIZEN._)

  What a state we'll soon be in!
  Such a clamour, such a din,
    Raised from Kew to Dalston,
  Cork to Cromer, Wight to Wick!
  Seeking votes through thin and thick,
      GLADSBURY and SALSTONE!

  Talk and chatter, speech and cry!
  Some assert, then some deny
    In a near or far shire;
  Call each other names and laugh,
  Jeer and chuckle, joke and chaff--
      DEVONCOURT and HARSHIRE!

  Still they come and still they go;
  Up and down, and high and low,
    Many more than those four.
  Speak in Council, speak in House,
  Think not yet of golf or grouse,
      BALBERY and ROSEFOUR.

  Rush and canvass up and down,
  Village, hamlet, city, town,
    Stately street or poor lane;
  Start committees, advertise,
  Think of rousing party cries,
      CHAMBERLEY and MORLAIN!

  Such a fidget, such a fuss!
  There is no escape for us;
    We shall have it shortly.
  How I wish that both would go
  Off to Bath or Jericho,
      SALFOURLAIN, GLADCOURTLEY!

       *       *       *       *       *

"Cave Kanem!"--"If," Dr. KANE is reported to have said at the Ulster
Appeal Meeting in St. James's Hall, last Wednesday, "If they (the
Ulster Irishmen) had to choose between arbitrary oppression and an
appeal for justice to the God of battles, he (Dr. KANE) had no more
doubt than he had about his existence, that that appeal would be made,
and that God would defend the right." With the saving clause adroitly
introduced into the last sentence, everyone, except an Atheist, will
agree; and, but for this, this speech reads as an incentive to Civil
War, intended to stir up brother against brother to fight to the
death. Such sentiments may, in the future, be remembered as marked
with "the brand of KANE."

       *       *       *       *       *

A Difficulty.--_Mr. Dick_ was unable to keep, "King Charles the
First's head" out of his literary work. So Our OSCAR, it is said, has
been unable to keep the head of St. John the Baptist out of his play,
_Salomé_, accepted by SARAH. Hence difficulty with licenser. The real
truth, we believe, is that the head, according to received tradition,
should be brought in by _Salomé_ "on a charger," and SARAH protests
against this, as she is not an equestrian.

       *       *       *       *       *

A New Songstress.--Mr. CUSINS, on Wednesday last, accompanying
SCHUMANN, RUBINSTEIN, & Co., may fairly be described as "CUSINS
German." A very successful Concert, musically notable, among many
notable things, for the _début_ of Miss GWLADYS WOOD, who, being
vociferously encored, gave a Tyrolean Volkslied, or "VOKES' Family"
dance and song, playing the accompaniment herself. "She ought to do
well."--I quote SHAKESPEARE, WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, the Musician, who
sang a _duo_ with Mme. VALDA. The Concert commenced with a "Septette
(By DESIRE)." This is a new Composer.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: The Beadle with the German Reeds' Staff.]

An Afternoon with Those who "Entertain" More than Anyone in
London.--"_Charity Begins At Home_" or rather it begins at the GERMAN
REEDS,' _after_ CORNEY GRAIN has finished his amusing "Vocal Recital."
Then it is that never-failing Charity begins, and goes as well as
ever. ALFRED REED is immensely funny, especially when disguised as a
Charity Girl. On no account miss the Grain of Chaff's capital French
version of CHEVALIER's Coster song about "_'Arry 'Awkins_." It's
lovely! Excellent entertainment for everybody at St. George's Hall.

       *       *       *       *       *

Doctor O'Letters.--_July 6th_.--Not "D.C.L." but "honorary degree of
Doctor of Letters," is to be conferred by Dublin University on HENRY
IRVING, for masterly management of vast correspondence. Let Oxford
follow suit with a "Postmastership of Merton." Dr. L. O'TOOLE says,
"I'm satisfied with 'L.L.L. Three Stars,' and plenty of it."

       *       *       *       *       *

THE HORSE-EDUCATOR.

(_A SKETCH AT SYDENHAM._)

    SCENE--_An Arena at North End of Crystal Palace.--The Arena is
    thickly covered with sawdust, and occupied solely by a light
    American waggon. There is a small steam-engine at one side,
    with an escape-pipe and valve projecting into the Circus,
    and a bundle of parti-coloured stuff is fluttering overhead
    opposite. From loose-boxes, three or four horses are examining
    these ominous preparations with apprehensive eyes. Enter
    a Portly Gentleman in a tall hat and frock-coat, who bows
    to the audience, and is but faintly applauded, owing to a
    disappointed sense that the ideal Horse-trainer would not
    tame in a tall hat. However, he merely appears to introduce
    Professor NORTON B. SMITH, who, turning out to be a slender,
    tall man, in a slouch hat, black velveteen coat, breeches, and
    riding boots, is received with enthusiasm._

_The Professor_ (_with a slight Transatlantic accent_). The first
animal On my list, Ladies and Gentlemen, is a vurry bad shyer, afraid
Of strange Objects, Fireworks, Music, Paper. Almost _anything_, in
fact. Bring out Number One, boys. (_To a tall Groom and a short one,
who rush to the loose-boxes, the short Groom falling over a drum, to
the general delight. The horse who is afraid of almost anything is
brought in, and begins to plunge at once, as though defying any_
Professor _to cure_ him.) Now, this animal is not Vicious, he's only
Nervous.

[Illustration: "The short Groom falling over a drum."]

    [_The Horse appears to resent this description of himself, and
    lashes out by way of contradiction._

_Paterfamilias, in audience_ (_who has a spoilt horse at home_). Just
what I always say about _Tartar_--it's nerves, not vice.

_His Eldest Daughter._ Shall you send him here to be cured, Father?

_Paterf._ No, my dear; quite unnecessary. When I see how it's done, I
shall able to take _Tartar_ in hand myself, I have no doubt.

_The Prof._ (_instructively_). It is natural For a Horse when
frightened at anything in Front of him, To jump Backwards, and when
frightened at anything Back of him, To jump Forwards. (_Applause, in
recognition of the accuracy and observation of this axiom._) Now I
will show you my method Of correcting this Tendency by means Of
my double Safety Rope and driving Rein, without Cruelty. Always Be
Humane, Never causing any Pain if you Possibly can Help it. Fetch that
Harness. (_The short Groom trips again, but so elaborately as to be
immediately recognised as the funny man of the performance, after
which his awkwardness ceases to entertain. The Professor shouts,
"Woa!" and, as the horse declines to accept this suggestion,
emphasises it by pulling the double rope, which, being attached to
the animals forelegs, promptly brings him on his knees, much to his
surprise and indignation_.) Never use the word "Woa!" Only when
you mean your horse To stop. Woa! (_horse down again, intensely
humiliated_.) If you mean him just To go quiet, say "Steady!" and
teach him The difference Of the words. Never afterwards Deceiving him.
(Paterf. _makes a note of this on Tartar's account._) Steady ...
Woa! (_Same business repeated; horse evidently feeling that he is the
victim of a practical joke, and depressed. Finally, Professor says
"Woa!" without pulling, and horse thinks it better to take the
hint._)

_Paterf._ Wonder where I could get that apparatus--just the thing for
_Tartar_!

_His Daughter_. But you would have to lay down such a lot of sawdust
first. And it might teach him to kneel down whenever you said "Woa!"
you know, and _that_ wouldn't do!

_Paterf._ Um! No. Never thought of that.

_Prof._ I will now introduce To his notice the Bass Drum. (_The two
Grooms dance about the horse, banging a drum and clashing cymbals, at
which he shies consumedly. Gradually he appears to realise that his
lines have fallen among lunatics, and that his wisest policy is to
humour them. He does so, even to the extent of suffering the big drum
to be beaten on his head with patient disgust._)

_The Daughter_. You might try _that_ with _Tartar_, Father. You could
have the dinner-gong, you know.

_Paterf._ (_dubiously_). H'm, I'm not at all sure that it would have
the same effect, my dear.

_Prof._ (_who has vaulted on the horse's back_). I will now make him
familiar With an umbrella. (_Opens it suddenly; horse plunges_.) Now,
Sir, this is nothing but an umbrella--vurry good one too--it isn't
going to hurt you; look at it!

    [_He waves it round the animal's head, and finally claps it
    over his eyes, the horse inspects it, and tacitly admits that
    he may have been prejudiced._

_Daughter._ It would be quite easy to do that, Father. We could hide
in the shrubbery with parasols, and jump out at him.

_Paterf._ Not while _I'm_--Well, we must see what your _Mother_ says
about that. [_Begins to wish he had come alone._

_Prof._ (_introducing another horse_). This animal is a confirmed
Kicker. We'll give him a little tinware, just to amuse him. (_Some tin
pans and bells are attached to the animal's tail, but, perceiving
that kicks are expected from him, his natural contrariness makes him
decline to make sport for Philistines in this manner._) Hang on more
tinware, boys! Some persons here may feel Disappointed that he Doesn't
kick. Remember--that is not My Fault. They can't be too vicious
to please me. (_The Horse sees his way to score, and after bearing
various trials in a spirit of Christian resignation, leaves the Arena,
consoled by the reflection that no one there got much fun out of_ him,
_at all events. A Jibber is brought in; the Professor illustrates
his patent method of teaching him to stand while being groomed, by
tying a rope to his tail, seizing the halter in one hand and the rope
in the other, and obliging the horse to perform an involuntary waltz,
after which he mounts him and continues his discourse._) Now it
occasionally happens To some riders that when they want To go down G.
Street, their horse has a sort of idea he'd like to go up E. Street,
and he generally _does_ go up it too!

_A Sister_ (_to her Brother_). ROBERT that's just like the horse _you_
rode that last time, isn't it?

    [_ROBERT doesn't answer, fervently hoping that his Sister's
    Pretty Friend has not overheard this comment._

_The Prof._ Well, the way to overcome that is just to turn the animal
round--so--several times till he gets dizzy and forgets where E.
Street is, and then he says to himself, "I guess I'd better go
wherever the gentleman wants!"

_The Sister._ ROBERT's horse turned round and round like
that--_didn't_ he, ROBERT? [ROBERT _turns rather red and grunts._

_Her Pretty Friend._ And then did he go where your brother wanted him
to?

_The Sister._ Oh yes, at last. (_ROBERT breathes more freely._) Only
without ROBERT. [_ROBERT wonders bitterly why on earth a fellow's
Sisters should try to make him out a regular muff like this._

    [_Two more horses are brought out, put in double harness
    in the light waggon, and driven round the Arena by the
    Professor. A steam whistle is let off over their heads,
    whereupon they rear and plunge, and back frantically, the
    Professor discoursing unperturbed from the waggon. After a
    few repetitions of this, the horses find the steam-whistle out
    as a brazen impostor, and become hardened sceptics from that
    moment. They despise the Comic Groom when he prances at them
    with a flag, and the performance of the Serious Man on the
    cymbals only inspires them with grave concern on his account.
    The bundle of coloured rags is let down suddenly on their
    heads, and causes them nothing but contemptuous amusement;
    crackers bang about their heels--and they pretend to be
    pleased; the Funny Groom (who is, by this time, almost
    unrecognisable with sawdust), gets on the near horse's back
    and bangs the drum on his head, but they are merely pained by
    his frivolity. Finally he throws an armful of old newspapers
    at them, and they exhibit every sign of boredom. After this,
    they are unharnessed and sent back to their boxes--a pair
    of equine Stoics who are past surprise at anything on this
    earth._]

_The Prof._ (_concluding amidst loud applause_). Ladies and Gentlemen,
I have only To say that I don't carry any horses About with me, and
that if anyone here has a vicious Or nervous animal, and likes to send
him to me, I will undertake to handle him free of all charge.

_Paterf._ I shall have _Tartar_ sent here--less trouble than trying
the methods myself--and safer.

_Prof._ And after I have treated the animal as you have seen, the
Proprietor will only have to repeat the process himself for a week or
so, and I guarantee he will have a thoroughly broke horse.

_The Daughter_. There, you see, Father, some of the taming will _have_
to be done at home!

_Paterf._ (_who doesn't quite see himself dancing about_ Tartar _with
a drum, or brandishing an umbrella on his back_). Well, TOPPIN will
take the horse over, and he'll be here and see how it's done. I can't
be bothered with it myself. I've too much to do!

_The Daughter_. I wish you would. I'm sure _Tartar_ would rather _you_
tamed him than TOPPIN!

    [_Paterf. while privately of opinion that this is not
    unlikely, sees no necessity to consider his horse's
    preferences in the matter_.

       *       *       *       *       *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_House of Commons, Monday, June 20_.--Black Rod got up little joke
to-night by way of relieving the weight of these mournful parting
moments. As soon as House met, word went round that, in absence of
Mr. G., and other Leaders of the Opposition, SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE
intended to take Prince ARTHUR in hand, and insist on his making clean
breast of date of Dissolution. A Royal Commission arranged in other
House. Black Rod despatched to summon Commons to assist at ceremony.
"The SAGE wants the House of Lords abolished, does he?" said Black
Rod, to his friend the White Elephant. "Very well; but before
it's done, I'll bet you 100 to 1, as JOHN MORLEY says, that I, as
representative of the Lords, will make him shut up, and pretty sharp
too. He little knows there's a Rod in pickle for him, and a Black 'un,
too."

Everything worked out as it was planned. On Motion for Third Reading
of Appropriation Bill, SAGE, in his most winning way, invited Prince
ARTHUR to name the happy day. Black Rod, getting tip, hurried across
Lobby; reached the door just as SAGE was in middle of a sentence.
"Black Rod!" roared Doorkeeper, at top of his voice. SAGE paused,
looked with troubled glance towards door, stood for a moment as if he
would resist the incursion, and catching sight of sword by Black Rod's
side, abruptly sat down amid general titter.

[Illustration: "Stopped on the threshold."]

Still winding-up business. GEORGE CURZON explained Indian Budget to
PLOWDEN, and Rev. SAM SMITH, who thought it very good. So it was,
comprehensive, lucid, here and there brightened with felicitous
touches of eloquence.

"Pity," said GRAND CROSS, when I mentioned to him the depressing
circumstances attendant upon delivery of speech; "CURZON's a clever
youth. When he's been with me a month or two, he'll brighten up
considerably. Great advantage for a young man to have such guidance,
coming into almost daily contact with a person like his present Chief.
The fact is, TOBY, I am really responsible for the state of the House
to-night. The country, England and India alike, are so satisfied
with my rule over what I may, perhaps without offence, call our dusky
Empire, that people do not think it worth while to go down to House
to hear the affair discoursed on by my Under-Secretary. Amongst
the natives in India, I'm told, I'm regarded as a sort of Fetish.
Travellers in remote regions bring home stories of finding, set up in
humble cottages, little images, more or less resembling me. GORST told
me they have a saying there, which he was good enough to translate.
His knowledge of Hindustanee is extensive, peculiar, and acquired with
remarkable rapidity. These are the lines:

  If you'd never make a loss,
  Put your money on GRAND CROSS.

A free translation, GORST says, but gives you the swing and the spirit
of the distich. Rather hard on CURZON that my popularity should spoil
his speech, but a good thing for the country."

_Business done_.--Budget brought in.

_Tuesday_.--Wonderfully good muster in Lords to-night. Every man upon
his mettle. As the MARKISS says, with that epigrammatic style that
makes him so delightful, "The first duty of a Peer is to appear."
Those Radicals been protesting that talk about necessity for
prolonging Session over week all a flam. Simply meant to make it
impossible for our delicate friend, the British Workman, to get
to poll. Peers must show they mean business, by turning up with
regularity and despatch.

[Illustration: "All over at last!"]

Appeal to patriotic feelings nobly answered; nearly a hundred Lords
in place to-night. CHELMSFORD, walking down with his umbrella, just
about to add a unit to the number; stopped on the threshold by strange
sight; looking in from room beyond the Throne, sees DENMAN standing
at Table, shaking his fist at Prime Minister. DENMAN is wearing
what CHELMSFORD, who is short-sighted, at first took to be red Cap
of Liberty. But it's nothing more dangerous than a red skull-cap,
designed to resist draughts. Needn't be red, but it is. Business
before House, Third Reading of Small Holdings Bill Occurs to DENMAN
to move its rejection; talks for ten minutes; difficulty to catch his
remarks; understood from fragmentary phrases to be extolling someone
as a luminous Statesman; seeing measure before the House is Small
Holdings Bill, noble Lords naturally conclude he's talking about
CHAPLIN. MARKISS interposes; says, "Noble Lord not speaking to Bill
before House."

It was at this moment CHELMSFORD arrived. Saw DENMAN draw himself up
to full height, shake his fist at the MARKISS, and this time at full
pitch of quivering voice cry, "Ha! ha! you wish to _clôture_ me again,
do you? I'm very much obleeged to you. I have a right to refer in a
hereditary assembly to the best man that ever stood in it."

Then noble Lords knew it couldn't have been CHAPLIN. Not yet.

_Business done_.--Still winding it up.

_Tuesday, June 28_.--Parliament prorogued and dissolved. "All over
at last," says ROSCOE, putting it in another and more original way.
Few to part where (six years ago) many met. Still some, chiefly
Metropolitan Members, remain to see the last of the old Parliament.

"Good-bye, TOBY," Prince ARTHUR says, after we've shaken hands with
the SPEAKER. "Shall see you again in August. _You_'re all right. One
of those happy fellows who are returned unopposed. As for me, I have
to fight for my seat, and my life."

"You'll come back too," I said; "but you'll be sitting on the other
side of House. What'll you do when you're in Opposition?"

"I'll go to the Opera every Wednesday night," said Prince ARTHUR, with
a gleam of joy lighting up his face.

_Business done_.--Parliament dissolved.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration]

NEWS ABOUT BISMARCK FOR THE BRITISH PUBLIC.--Professor SCHWENINGER,
the Bizzy B.'s private physician, writes privately to _Mr. Punch_ the
following news about his distinguished patient. "Tell the B.P. that
P.B. sleeps like a top. This is no hum. He is up at 7 A.M., and wishes
everyone 'the top of the mornin' to you,' puts on his top-boots and
top-hat, and then goes out for a spin."

       *       *       *       *       *

FROM A CORRESPONDENT ANENT THE TRUSTEES, MESSRS. COHEN AND LEVY, AND
THE GIFT OF £350,000 FOR LIVERPOOL AND MANCHESTER.--Sir,--It has been
asked, what will they do with it? Liverpool and Manchester are both
millionnaires and millowners too. Why not send a little to _me_? Who's
Cohen, I mean who's goin' to Leave-y _me_ anything? No spare Cohen--or
Coin--ever comes _my_ way! Would that a Co-hen would lay for me a
golden egg as valuable as the Kohenore! Sir, I am of Irish extraction,
and the Irish are of Hebraic origin, so I have some claim. Why?
Because Irishmen are Hebrews first and Irish afterwards. The first
settlers on settling-day in Ireland were Hebrews to a man, and isn't
it clear that "Liffey" was originally "Levy?"

Yours impecuniously, THE O'DUNAHOO. _With the accent on the "Owe" and
the "Dun"_

_Leafy June 30_.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "ACCORDING TO HIS FOLLY!"

_Hostess_. "I'VE GOT _SUCH_ A COLD TO-DAY. I FEEL QUITE _STUPID_!"

_Prize Idiot_ (_calling_). "I'VE GOT A BAD COLD TOO; BUT _I_ DON'T
FEEL PARTICULARLY STUPID!

_Hostess_. "AH, I SEE YOU'RE NOT QUITE YOURSELF!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

THE POLITICAL JOHNNY GILPIN.

    (_Lately-discovered Fragments of a Grand Old Ballad, the
    Sequel to which may--or may not--turn up later on._)

  JOHN GILPIN was a patriot
    Of credit and renown;
  A Grand Old Leader eke was he,
    Of famous London town.

  JOHN's Liberal Lady said, "Oh, dear!
    Out in the cold we've been
  These seven tedious years, and have
    No chance of Office seen.

  "To-morrow is Election Day,
    And we may then repair
  Our Party-split a little bit,--
    That is--if you take care!

  "Our Sisters, and the Labour lot,
    Need soothing, you'll agree;
  If we can all together ride,
    I think we'll have a spree."

  He soon replied, "I do admire
    Of Liberal Dames but one,
  And you are she, my dearest dear;
    Therefore it shall be done!

  "I am a Programme-rider bold,
    As all the world doth know,
  And my good friend the Party 'Whip'
    Will teach me how to go."

  Quoth the good dame, "Liquor we'll want,
    The 'Union Tap' is queer;
  We'll furnished be with our own 'Blend,'
    Scotch-Irish bright and clear."

  JOHN GILPIN kissed his partner shrewd;
    O'erjoyed was he to find
  That, though on conquest she was bent,
    She had a prudent mind.

         *       *       *       *       *

  JOHN GILPIN, at his horse's side,
    Seized fast the flowing mane,
  And up he got, in haste to ride,
    But soon came down again.

  For saddle-tree scarce reached had he,
    His journey to begin.
  When, turning round his head, he saw
    Queer customers come in.

  So down he came; for loss of time,
    Although it grieved him sore,
  Yet loss of Votes, full well he knew,
    Would trouble him much more.

  'Twas long, ere these queer customers
    Were suited to their mind,
  When SCHNADDY, shouting, came down stairs,
    "The tipple's left behind!"

  "Good lack!" quoth he, "yet bring it me,
    My leathern belt likewise,
  In which I bear my trusty blade
    When foes I 'pulverise.'"

  His Liberal Lady (careful soul!)
    Had two big bottles found,
  To hold the liquor that she loved,
    And keep it safe and sound.

  Each bottle had a curling ear,
    Through which the belt he drew,
  And hung a bottle at each side,
    To keep his balance true.

  Then, over all, that he might be
    Equipped from top to toe,
  His long green cloak, well-brushed and neat,
    He manfully did throw.

  Now see him mounted once again
    Upon his docile steed,
  Full slowly pacing o'er the stones,
    With caution and good heed.

  It might have been a smoother road,
    Nor was it nice to meet
  First off, a Pig, who GILPIN bold
    With stubborn grunt did greet.

  So fair and softly! JOHNY cried,
    But--

    [_Here the fragment, so far as at present discovered, abruptly
    endeth._

       *       *       *       *       *


TIP FROM OUR OWN BOOKING-OFFICE.--Persons about to go to the Country,
whether to defend their own seat or attack someone else's, can't do
better, my Baronite says, than take with them P.W. CLAYDEN's _England
Under Coalition_, just published by FISHER UNWIN. It's not much to
carry, but it's worth the trouble of packing up; also of unpacking,
and reading. It tells the story of two Parliaments and three
Governments. A pretty story it is, more interesting than most novels,
and in one volume too. A marvel of condensation and lucid narrative.
Only one thing lacking to a work likely to be constantly used for
reference, and that is an index. "But you can't have everything," as
_Queen Eleanor_ said to _Fair Rosamond_ when, having swallowed the
contents of the poisoned chalice, she asked for a dagger.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: THE POLITICAL JOHNNY GILPIN.

  "NOW SEE HIM MOUNTED ONCE AGAIN
  UPON HIS NIMBLE STEED,
  FULL SLOWLY PACING O'ER THE STONES,
  WITH CAUTION AND GOOD HEED."
]

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: OBVIOUS.

_Buttons_ (_fresh from the Country, evidently no French Scholar_). "I
SAY, MARY, THE GUV'NOR AND MISSUS ARE DINING OUT TO-NIGHT. BUT I CAN'T
FOR THE LIFE OF ME MAKE OUT WHAT A _R_, A _S_, A _V_, AND A _P_ MEAN
ON THIS 'ERE CARD!"

_Smart Housemaid_. "WHY, OF COURSE IT MEANS THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE
_R_UMP _S_TEAK AND _V_EAL _P_IE!"]

       *       *       *       *       *

ELECTION NOTES.

(_BY MR. PUNCH'S SPECIAL COMMISSIONER._)

DEAR SIR,--I am glad you consented eventually to the terms I
proposed. After all, £100 a-week (_and expenses_) is a mere trifle
for the arduous work I expect to do for you. According to your
instructions, I arrived three nights ago in the ancient borough of
Bunkham-on-the-Marsh, and at once took steps to pursue those inquiries
which are necessary for a satisfactory estimate of the political
situation. My experience as a lightning change _artiste_ is quite
invaluable. I visit the Liberal Committee-rooms, and attend Liberal
meetings in a complete suit of corduroys and horny hands. Five minutes
afterwards I find myself in a military moustache, a frock coat,
and patent leather boots at the Conservative head-quarters. In the
former disguise I enthusiastically advocate the Newcastle Programme,
and denounce the base minions of Coercion. In the latter I rouse
Conservative partisans to frenzy by my impassioned appeals on behalf
of one Queen, one Flag, one Empire, and a policy of enlightened
Conservative progress. I can highly recommend my two perorations, in
one of which I consign Mr. GLADSTONE to eternal infamy, while in the
other I hold up Lord SALISBURY to the derision of mankind.

I send you herewith extracts from the two newspapers published in
Bunkham. The _Bunkham News_ is the organ of the Liberals; the _Bunkham
Standard_ (with which are incorporated the _Bunkham Messenger_ and the
_Bunkham Guardian and Mangelhire Express_) expresses the views of the
Conservatives in this important district.

_The Bunkham News._

At last! The period of subterfuges and evasions is past. Fraud and
dishonesty have had their day, Coercion has done its worst, and the
time has come when the most scandalous and disgraceful Government
of which history bears record, will have to submit itself for
judgment to the opinions of those who are dishonoured by being its
fellow-countrymen. We can have no doubt whatever as to what the result
of the contest will be in this enlightened constituency. The men of
Bunkham have been at all times noted for their love of freedom and
justice, and for their hatred of those who base themselves upon
oppression and iniquity. The Liberal Candidate, Mr. HENRY PLEDGER,
has now been before the Constituency for more than a year. Wherever
he has gone he has been received with unparalleled demonstrations
of enthusiasm by the immense majority of our fellow-townsmen. His
eloquence, combined with his engaging manners, have won all hearts.
The fight will be short, but severe. Men of Bunkham, will you lag in
the rear? The issue is to those who work from now to the polling day.
If you only make a united effort, triumph is assured.

       *       *       *       *       *

_The Bunkham Standard._

The date of the Dissolution has been fixed, and by making it
impossible for the Elections to be held on a Saturday, the Government
have given one more proof of their deep and sincere devotion to the
highest interests of the working-classes. There never has been any
Ministry, we make bold to say, whose record will better bear the
fierce light of public investigation. Grievances have been redressed,
moderate reforms, such as the country desired, have been passed into
law, and turbulence and outrage have been repressed. No body of
men ever deserved more fully what they now possess, and are sure to
retain--the confidence and gratitude of their fellow-citizens. Our
Member, Mr. TUFFAN, has borne a not unimportant part in assisting
the Government by his presence in the House of Commons. His manly,
straightforward integrity, and his universal generosity, have
endeared him to all classes in Bunkham. We look forward with absolute
confidence to his return by an immense majority. From the disorganised
ranks of our adversaries there is little to fear. Let us stand
shoulder to shoulder, and leave no stone unturned to win a victory
which is even now within our grasp.

       *       *       *       *       *

I have had interviews with prominent politicians on both sides,
and have been assured on both sides, that victory is certain. Both
Candidates are constantly occupied in driving all over the borough
in pair-horse carriages, lavishly decorated with the party colours,
orange for the Liberals, blue for the Conservatives. Mrs. PLEDGER is
magnificent in an orange silk dress; Mrs. TUFFAN overwhelms me with
blue ribbons. Master PLEDGER waves an orange banner in every street;
Miss TUFFAN distributes blue cards in all the shops. The Liberal
Committee-rooms are ablaze with pictures of Mr. GLADSTONE; the
Conservative Office flames with Union Jacks, and other Imperial
devices. Eight meetings are to be held in different parts of the
Constituency to-night. Immense efforts are being made to capture the
votes of the Association of Jam Dealers, which has its chief factory
here. Master PLEDGER has just gone by in a Victoria, with a huge pot
of "Bunkham Jam" on the seat in front of him. He had a spoon, and was
apparently enjoying himself. This manoeuvre has much depressed the
Conservatives, who consider it disgraceful. More next week.

Yours always, THE MAN IN THE MOON.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A RACE FOR THE COUNTRY. CLAIMING THE LAND.

(_By Our Americanised Artist_.)]

       *       *       *       *       *

NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: (Index)]

  Advice Gratis, 291, 305
  After Dinner--at the Close of the Year, 1
  After the Event, 268
  "Airy Fairy Lilly 'Un!" 125
  "All's (Fairly) Well," 189
  "And a good Judge, too," 87
  Anglo-American French, 108
  Another Rural Conference, 37
  Another Shakspeare, 133
  Any Man to any Woman, 227
  April Showers, 198
  Archdeacon Answered (The), 310
  "Are you Hansard now?" 133
  'Arry Examined, 15
  'Arry on Wheels, 217
  Ars Longa, 221
  Art in the City, 232
  Atrabilious Liverpool, 6
  Aspirations, 262
  At Mrs. Ram's, 42
  Attack on the "Capital" (The), 66

  Bachelor's Growl (A), 294
  Berlin Citizen's Diary (A), 190
  Better and Better, 268
  "Beyond the Dreams of Avarice," 161
  Bird of Prey (A), 230
  Blizzard from the North, 278
  Boat-Race Day, 169
  Bogie Man (The), 138
  Bones of Joseph (The), 313
  Bos _v_. Boss, 9
  Bounds of Science (The), 182
  Boxing Imbroglio (The), 39
  Brawling at Home and Abroad, 179
  Breaking, 186
  Brer Fox and Old Man Crow, 281
  Bridal Wreath (The), 42
  Broken Bonds, 182
  Brother Brush, A.R.A., 65
  Brown-Jones Incident (The), 197
  Burial of the "Broad Gauge" (The), 266
  Burning Words, 237
  "Butchered to make ----," 147
  Butter and Bosh, 138
  By a Small Western, 93
  By One of the Unemployed, 289

  Capital! 25
  "Call you this Backing your Friends?" 218
  Cardinal Manning, 39
  "Cave Kanem!" 315
  Change of Name suggested, 42
  Charles Haddon Spurgeon, 73
  "Charles, his Friends," 83
  Chef's New Dish for Travellers (The), 124
  Chimes (The), 2
  Christmas in Germany, 24
  Churlish Cabman (The), 157
  City Men, 94
  "Clerk me no Clerks," 153
  Climatic Nomenclature for the New Year, 6
  Cockney Classics, 179
  "Combining Amusement with Instruction," 100
  "Come hither, Hubert!" 69
  Coming of Ninety-Two, 6
  Complicated Case, 89
  Confessions of a Duffer, 35, 45, 49, 76, 97, 125, 141, 169, 202,
          229, 256, 285
  Connected with the Press, 189
  Considerate, 265
  Couplet by a Cynic, 222
  Courier of the Hague (The), 289
  Court Cards, 233
  Covent Garden Masque (The), 37
  Cries without Wool, 48, 129
  Criterion of Morals (A), 225
  Crossed-Examination, 24
  Cross-Examiner's Vade Mecum (The), 27
  Cupid's Tennis-Courts, 81
  Cursory Observation (A), 213
  "Cuts!" 303

  Dangerous Title (A), 72
  Dawn of a New Era (The), 48
  Day at Antwerp (A), 277
  "Deadly Cigarette" (The), 252
  Death in the Pop, 124
  Dentist's Waiting-Room (A), 261
  "De Profundis," 209
  Destroying the Spider's Web, 159
  Dialogue of the Future (A), 37
  Dissolution--(as the Enemy of the London Season), 290
  Dogs and Cats, 94
  Doing the Old Masters, 121
  Dreams, 131
  Drinks and Dramas, 189
  Duke of Devonshire (The), 1
  Dynamite Dragon (The), 186
  Dynamitical Arguments, 21

  Earl's Court Idyl (An), 304
  Early Spring, 229
  Effectively Settling it, 172
  Election Notes, 321
  Empty Triumph (An), 172
  Encounter, 124
  Entêtement Britannique, 133
  Episcopacy in Danger, 268
  Essence of Parliament, 84, 90, 102, 114, 131, 143, 155, 166, 179,
          190, 227, 238, 244, 264, 274, 286, 300, 310, 317

  Fair Philosopher (A), 41
  Fair Traders, 261
  Fancy Ball (The), 106
  Fête of Flora (The), 313
  Fettered, 195
  Fogged! 21
  Force of Example (The), 135
  Foreign and Home News, 73
  "Foresters" (The), 161
  Free and Easy Theatres, 36
  "Frogs" at Oxford (The), 145
  From a Lahore Paper, 298
  From Parliamentary Exam. Paper, 99
  From Robert, 174
  From the Shades, 262
  From the Theatres, &c., Commission, 198
  Fudge Formula (A), 118

  General's Little Fund (The), 242
  Gifted Being (A), 310
  Gifts for the New Year, 9
  Girls of the Period, 305
  Gladstonian Mem (A), 47
  Good Grace-ious! 85
  Good News indeed! 36
  Great Loss to Everybody (A), 135
  Greek meets Greek, 9

  "Hair-Cutting, Singeing, and Shampooing," 136
  Hamlet in half an hour, 281
  Hamlet in the Haymarket (The), 185
  Hamlet; or, Keeping it Dark, 225
  "Hard to Beer!" 25
  Haunted House (The), 250
  "Heavens!" 69
  High (Beerbohm) Treason! 65
  History as she is Played! 273
  Hero of the Summer Sale (The), 60
  Honour of the Bar (The), 48
  Horace in London, 93, 120, 137, 149, 269, 312
  Horse-Educator (The), 316
  Hospitality à la Mode, 145
  How they bring the Good News, 214
  How to Report the Practice of the Crews, 159
  How to Save London, 113
  Humpty-Dumpty up again! 17
  Hyde Park Corner, 261

  Imperial Jack-in-the-Box (The), 51
  In Defence of the Great Paradoxist, 262
  India for the Irish! 99
  In Fancy Dress, 196
  Influenza Song (An), 93
  Inharmonious Colours, 306
  "Innings declared Closed," 282
  In Statu,--quo? 70
  In the Seat of Wisdom, 94
  In this style, Six-and-Eightpence, 81
  "It will Wash!" 288

  Jim's Jottings, 14, 85
  Jokim's Latest Little Joke, 204
  Judges in Council (The), 59
  Justice for Justice, 108

  Kensington Gardens, 297
  Killing no Murder, 266
  King and the Clown (The), 172
  "Know all men by these Presents," 213

  Lady Gay's Selections, 261, 273, 286, 300, 302, 313
  "La Grippe," 61
  La Justice pour Rire, 218
  Last of the Guards (The), 75
  Latterday Valentine (A), 89
  Laying a Ghost, 201
  Lay of the Analytic Novelist (The), 17
  Lay of the Literary Autolycus (The), 213
  Lay of the Litigant (The), 60
  Lay Sermon (A), 246
  Lays of Modern Home, 9
  Legend of the Mutton Bone (The), 192
  Letters to Abstractions, 5, 72, 112, 184
  Liquor Question (A), 193
  Limb and the Law (The), 262
  "Little Holiday" (A), 126
  Local Colour, 94
  Lockwood the Lecturer, 145
  Lord Bramwell, 258
  Lord Wildermere's Mother-in-Law, 123
  Lost Luggage, 265

  "Marie, come up!" 57
  "Married and Single," 273
  Marvels of Modern Science (The), 157
  Matinée Mania, 165
  Matrimony Up to Date, 39
  "Meeting of the Waters" (The), 118
  Mems. of Theatres, &c., Commission, 244
  Menu from Birmingham (A), 70
  Menu from Hatfield (A), 54
  Mixed, 245
  Moan of the Music-Hall Muse (The), 278
  Modern Alexander's Feast (The), 111
  Modesty of Genius (The), 133
  More Bones to Pick with the School-Board, 81
  More than Satisfied, 241
  Morning of the Derby (The), 273
  Mr. Bayly's Coast-Spectre, 47
  Mr. Goschen's Budget, 193
  Mr. Punch's Agricultural Novel, 226
  Mr. Punch's Boat-Race Novel, 177
  Mr. Punch's Hebridean Salmon-Fly Book, 205
  Mr. Punch's New-Year Honours, Gifts, Good Wishes, and Greetings, 23
  Mr. Punch's Royal Academy Guide, 220
  Mr. Punch's Up-to-Date Poetry for Children, 145, 213
  Mr. Punch to the Illustrated London News, 242
  Mr. Punch to the Life-boat Men, 74
  Mrs. Ram on Current Politics, 69
  "Murder in Jest," 237
  "Music in Our Street" (The), 57
  "Must it come to this?" 129
  "My dear Eyes! What! See-usan!" 153
  My Soap, 193

  "Names and their Meaning," 171
  Neo-Dramatic Nursery Rhyme, 193
  "Ne Plus Ulster," 305
  Newest Narcissus (The), 194
  New Gallery (The), 227
  New Learning (The), 249
  New Monitor (The), 18
  News about Bismarck, 317
  New Songstress (A), 315
  Night Lights, 57
  "Not at Home!" 234

  Ode to a Giraffe, 173
  Odont.! 298
  "Off his Feed," 123
  Old Friend at the Criterion (An), 101
  Old Song Revived (An), 294
  On a New Yearling, 13
  "One Touch of Nature," 262
  Only Fancy! 12, 23, 29, 39
  On my Lady's Poodle, 261
  On Religious Cymbalism, 106
  "On the Blazoned Scroll of Fame," 141
  On the First Green Chair, 189
  On the (Post) Cards, 209
  On the Row among the Romancers, 240
  "On the Sly," 83
  On the Traill, 60
  Opera-Goer's Diary (The), 257, 280
  Operatic Notes, 269, 293, 305, 313
  "Orme! Sweet Orme!" 242
  _Other_ "Westminster Stable" (The), 246
  Our Booking-Office, 4, 21, 36, 41, 60, 94, 108, 109, 133, 149,
          185, 197, 250, 257, 268
  Our Cookery-Bookery, 249
  Our Cricketers, 179
  Our Humorous Composer, 25
  Our Sal Volatile; or, A Wriggler Sarpint of Old Nile, 278
  "Out in the Cold!" 63

  Paddywhack and Dr. Birch, 105
  Palmy Day at St. Raphael (A), 65
  Paragon Frame (of Mind) (A), 69
  Parliament à la Mode de Paris, 51
  Parliament in Sport, 63
  Personal Paragraphs, 181
  Philosophic Stupidity, 118
  Playful Sally (The), 304
  Playing Old Harry at the Lyceum, 33
  Plea for the Defence (A), 137
  "Pleased as Punch," 65
  "Pleasing the Pigs!" 73
  Poet and the Songs (The), 173
  Point of View (The), 206
  Polite Literature, 59
  Political Johnny Gilpin (The), 318
  Political Lady-Cricketers (The), 254
  Politics, 315
  Ponsch, Prince of Ollendorff, 148
  Popular Songs Re-sung, 13, 109, 143, 237
  Poser for Mr. Weatherby (A), 126
  Preserved Venice, 52
  Preux Chevalier, 36
  Private and the Public (The), 120
  Private Reflections of the Public Orator at Cambridge, 297
  "Probable Starters," 282
  Prudes and Nudes, 174
  Puzzler for a Costumier, 69

  Queer Queries, 118
  Query by a Depressed Convalescent, 89
  Query by "Pen" (A), 94
  Question of Politeness, 171
  Quite Appropriate, 240
  Quite Clear, 9
  Quite in Keeping, 273

  Rather Large Order (A), 184
  Receipt against Influenza, 61
  Reckoning without their Host, 223
  Recollections of (Cockney) "Arabian" Days and Nights, 234
  Reddie-turus Salutat, 218
  "Regrets and Greaves," 246
  Rembrandt, Titian, Velasquez, &c., 180
  Reported Disappearance of the Broad Gauge, 258
  Repulsing the Amazons, 216
  "Resignation of an Alderman," 280
  Respectability, 37
  "Returned Empty" (The), 26
  Rice and Prunes, 101
  Rich _v._ Poor, 133
  Riddle (A), 69, 227
  "Ring and the Book" (The), 120
  Robert in a Fog! 24
  Robert on the Hartistic Copperashun, 206
  Robert's Cure for the Hinfluenzy, 96
  Royal Academy Banquet, 222

  Saints or Sinners? 205
  Sanitary Congress at Venice (The), 39
  Scale with the False Weights (The), 124
  Screwed up at Magdalen, 118
  Seasonable (and Suitable) Good Wishes, 9
  Seasonable Weather, 228
  Settler for Mr. Woods (A), 121
  Seven Ages of Woman (The), 230
  Shady Valet (A), 195
  "Signs" of the Times, 171
  Simple Stories, 4
  Singular Plurality, 262
  Sly Old Socrates, 309
  (Soldiers') Life we Live (The), 214
  Something New in Soap, 65
  Song for Lord Rosebery, 42
  Sonnet on the South-Eastern, 218
  Spring's Delights in London, 193
  Spring Time in Leap Year, 150
  St. John's Wood, 262
  Strange but True, 87
  Strange Charge against a Great Poet, 132
  Studies in the New Poetry, 268, 292
  Sunday Observance, 173
  Syllogisms of the Stump, 297

  Take Care! 83
  Taking a Sight at Ringandknock, 201
  Talk over the Tub (A), 54
  "Ta-ra-ra" Boom (The), 149
  Telephone Cinderella (The), 162
  Telephonic Theatre-goers, 208
  Tennysonian Fragment (A), 89
  "Textuel," 282
  Theatres and Music Halls Commission, 173
  Theft _v._ Thrift, 23
  "There's the Rub!" 30
  "This Indenture witnesseth," 73
  Times Change, 99
  Tip from Our Own Booking-Office, 318
  Tip-top Tipster (A), 280
  "'Tis Merry in Hall," 157
  To a Railway Foot-Warmer, 133
  To be or Not to be--discovered, 278
  To Justice, 9
  To Lord Salisbury, 258
  To my Cigarette, 53
  To my Cook, 201
  Too Conscientious, 240
  Too Much of a Good Thing, 48
  Tooting, 161
  To Police-Constables Smeeth and Tappin, 81
  To Queen Coal, 138
  To the Future A.R.A., 72
  To the Grand Old Tory, 237
  To the New "Queen of the May," 210
  To the Queen, 61
  To the Young City Men, 147
  Town Thoughts from the Country, 193
  Tramways, 245
  Travelling Companions (The), 11, 16, 23, 40, 64, 83
  Trial in Novel Form (A), 12
  True and Trusty, 70
  True Modesty, 211
  Truly and Reely, 84
  Two Archers (The), 227
  Two Dromios, 171
  Two Shepherds (The), 87

  Una and the British Lion, 314
  Unasked, 30
  Unobserved of One "Observer" (The), 106
  Upon Julia's Coat, 189
  Useful Cricketer (The), 297

  Vans de Luxe, 252
  Venice at Olympia, 36
  Venice in London, 41
  Venice Reserved, 253
  "Versailles" in Leicester Square, 301
  Very "Dark Horse" (A), 270
  Very "French before Breakfast," 262
  Very Natural Error, 288
  Very Orchid! 168
  Vigorous Vicar (The), 288
  "Vive la Liberté!" 106
  Volunteer Review at Dover (The), 172

  Waiting Game (A), 174
  Walt Whitman, 179
  Want (A), 193
  Water-Colour Room at the Academy (The), 227
  Way they have in the Army (The), 292
  Weather Reform, 96
  Wellington Monument (The), 213
  What do they Mean by it? 129
  "When Greek meets Greek," 306
  Whipped in Vain, 73
  Wilde "Tage" to a Tame Play (A), 113
  Wilful Wilhelm, 146
  William the Whaler, 170
  With the Easter Eggs, 185
  World on the Wheels (The), 222
  Wrestling with Whistlers, 181
  Wright and Wrong, 85

  Ye Moderates of London, 145
  Young Girl's Companion (The), 204, 216, 225, 252


  LARGE ENGRAVINGS.

  April Showers; or, a Spoilt Easter Holiday, 199
  Attack on the "Capital" (The), 67
  Bogie Man (The), 139
  "Coming of Arthur" (The), 91
  Coming of Ninety-Two (The), 7
  Dynamite Dragon (The), 187
  Gift from the Greeks (A), 103
  "Her Majesty's Servants," 78, 79
  "Innings Closed," 283
  January 14, 1892, 43
  "Little Holiday" (A), 127
  New Monitor (The), 19
  New "Queen of the May" (The), 211
  "Not at Home!" 235
  Old Song Revived (An), 295
  _Other_ "Westminster Stable" (The), 247
  Political Johnny Gilpin (The), 319
  Reckoning without their Host, 223
  "Short 'Anded," 55
  Spring Time in Leap Year, 151
  Telephone Cinderella (The), 163
  "There's the Rub!" 31
  "Under which Thimble?" 259
  Very "Dark Horse" (A), 271
  Waiting Game (A), 175
  "When Greek meets Greek," 307
  Younger than Ever; 115


  SMALL ENGRAVINGS.

  Æsthetic Idea of Plate-Glass Window, 273
  Archie's Sister reading Fairy Tales, 174
  'Arry 'Untin' in the Frost, 3
  Au Revoir to the Foxes, 214
  Autumn Goods in Pictures, 206
  "Bandy" Association playing Hockey, 101
  Baronet explains "Early and Late," 250
  Barrister suggests a "Bad Objection," 185
  "Beaters" after Luncheon, 96
  Bismarck Cut by Emperor, 303
  Bismarck "Out in the Cold," 62
  Black and White Boxing Contest, 287
  British Lion and the New Khedive, 38
  Buffalo and Broncho at Earl's Court, 276
  Bumble and the Evicted Poor, 14
  Burial of the "Broad-Gauge" (The), 267
  Candidate Catching, 239
  "Champagne first, then Claret," 147
  Chancery Judges airing Infant Suitors, 94
  Chaplin and the Pigs, 73
  Cheeky Artist and German Picture-Dealer, 124
  Chief Groups in Commons' Waxworks, 178
  Chimes of 1892 (The), 2
  "Claiming the Land," 322
  Cockney Art-Teacher and Pupil, 238
  Cook Basting a Joint, 109
  Dancing Lady very much Engaged, 302
  Dancing Men at Supper, 126
  Dean's Wife and Bishop's Butler, 75
  Destroying the Money-Spider's Web, 158
  Dissatisfied with her Dressmaker, 54
  Dissolution Spectre (The), 290
  Doctors Irving and Toole, 310
  Doctor's Ugly Children (The), 222
  Drummondo Wolffez, the Bull-fighter, 59
  D.T. Patient and his Skeleton, 39
  Edith's Grace after Pudding, 254
  Erne on Rabbits and Multiplication, 246
  Ethel and the "Lion of the Season," 209
  Ethel's Question on Face and Hair-Powder, 268
  Faint Comet (A), 179
  Fair Matron and Great Mathematician, 70
  Fancy Portrait of Oscar Wilde, 113
  Farmer Murphy at the Box-Office, 230
  Fashionable Lady's Ugly Side (A), 234
  Fashionable Mother's Child's Age, 294
  Fat and Thin Pug-Dogs, 102
  Father Time and Coming Events, 10
  Footman and Page-Boy, 23
  Footman recommending a Dentist, 135
  Fox-hunters among the Turnips, 29
  French and English Infantrymen, 207
  General Boombastes Booth, 106
  Georgie Porgie Gladstone, 279
  German Emperor as Jupiter, 110
  German Emperor destroying Papers, 146
  German William's Wheeling Expedition, 170
  Gladstone and Friends' Letters, 311
  Golf Implements without the Links, 94
  "Good Staying" Mare (A), 61
  Grand Old Energy, 130
  Group of Goormongs (A), 150
  Harcourt as a Commercial Traveller, 274
  Haunted House of Commons (The), 251
  History Exam, on the Great Sapolio, 210
  Housemaid and Footman Conversing, 179
  Housemaid defines R.S.V.P., 321
  House of Lords Waxworks, 107
  Hunter hung up on a Stile, 129
  Hunting Man has had "a Drop too much," 37
  Hunting Man walks without Boots, 177
  Impatient Old Gent at Post-Office, 182
  Imperial Jack-in-the-Box (The), 50
  Inebriated Gent at Signal-Box, 123
  Jones and Dinner Conversation, 282
  Jones and Press Criticisms, 66
  Judge hearing Two Cases at Once, 65
  Judges Serving in Refreshment Bar, 81
  Kent Road Belle and Contrast, 291
  Labouchere Ferret and Blackmailing Rat, 148
  Lady and Ignorant Voter's Wife, 237
  Lady and M.P. meet in the Park, 138
  Lady Diana and the Horse-dealer, 159
  Lady Harpy (The), 231
  La France forsaken by the Russ, 183
  Leaving out the "Ought," 194
  Little Charlie's Good-bye at a Station, 111
  Little Ethel and the Whipped Cream, 198
  Little Swell and Wild West Indians, 309
  London in Venice, 119
  Lovers in a French Cemetery, 25
  Maid and Dowager's Dress, 63
  Maid who didn't Suit the Situation, 298
  Maiden who wishes to be engaged, 69
  Mamma on People worth Knowing, 42
  Mariana's difficulty with Curling Tongs, 63
  Married Vicar and his Curate, 292
  Master administering the Rod, 109
  Middy and the Bay-Rum, 153
  Middy and the Bishop, 258
  Miss Certainage believes she will die young, 242
  Miss Eugenia's Taste for Antiques, 131
  Miss Twelfthnight's Characters, 22
  Modern Criminal Hero (The), 195
  Morley's Stray Sheep, 86
  Mr. Punch congratulates Madame Illustrated London News, 243
  Mr. Punch Golfing, 1
  Mrs. Dasher and the Complimentary Major, 155
  New Companion's H.'s (The), 286
  New L.C.C. Waxworks (The), 142
  Newly-Married M.P. and Wife, 306
  Old Maid and Chapel-going Servant, 193
  Our Artist's Execution, 99
  Our Little Artist's Tall Women, 270
  Over Time in Leap Year, 12
  Page-Boy and the Door-Plate, 197
  Page-Boy and the Major's Coat, 47
  Page-Boy in Love (The), 137
  Pair of Old-fashioned Snuffers, 6
  Parliamentary Safety Bicycle Championship, 82
  Parliament Member's Thoughts, 203
  Pavement Artist at Whistler's Show, 171
  Picking a Funny Bone, 186
  Picture of "Olympia" (A), 190
  Polite 'Bus Conductor (The), 218
  Political Lady-Cricketers (The), 255
  Political Wirepuller at Work (The), 58
  Private View, Royal Academy, 215
  Prize Idiot with a Cold, 318
  Punch and the Lifeboat-Men, 74
  Race for the Country (The), 299
  Racer "Majority" Off his Feed, 122
  Railway Travellers' Last Match, 114
  Randolph returned from Mashonaland, 26
  Representations of the London County Council, 191
  "Round" or "Square"? 15
  Royal Parliamentary Tournament, 263
  Russian Recruiting Sergeant and the Shah, 219
  Salvation House of Commons (The), 154
  Schoolboy making his Sister "Fag," 118
  Scotch Gamekeepers and Londoner, 18
  Scotchwoman on Lady Doctors (A), 245
  Sea-side Ballad-Singer and Old Lady, 21
  Short Dancing-Man and his Hostess, 162
  Sir Bonamy's Dinner-Book, 90
  Sketches in the Saddle, 34
  Sketches of Balfour the Leader, 167
  Sketching in the Train, 46
  Speaking French without an Accent, 214
  Speaking Likeness of a Dumb Model, 30
  Sporting Gentleman and Parson, 266
  Street Music, 57
  "Through Darkest Lambeth," 315
  Tommy and his Grandpapa, 161
  Tommy and Jimmy criticising Picture, 262
  Two Hamlets (The), 73
  Una and the British Lion, 314
  Unwilling Imitator of Lottie Collins, 227
  Venus of 1892 rising from the Sea, 293
  Volunteer and the Jury List (The), 134
  "Waking-up" for the Opening of the Session, 71
  Westminster Waxworks, 1892 (The), 95
  William the Conqueror and the Range Act, 98
  Wishing he had been a "Bear," 274
  Wishing Mamma was a Kangaroo, 304
  Worried Journalist and Philistine Wife, 27
  Young Lady Popular Novelist (A), 83
  Young Wife and Club Telephone, 51
  Young Wife and Old Spinster, 87

[Illustration: (Finis)]

       *       *       *       *       *

LONDON: BRADBURY AGNEW, & CO. LIMITED, WHITEFRIARS.





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