Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 01, April 2, 1870

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Title: Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 01, April 2, 1870
Author: Various
Language: English
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*** Start of this LibraryBlog Digital Book "Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 01, April 2, 1870" ***

PUNCHINELLO

VOL. I. No. 1

PUBLISHED BY THE PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,

AT THEIR OFFICE,

83 NASSAU STREET, NEW-YORK

SATURDAY, APRIL 2, 1870

* * * * *

Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the
PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District
Court of United States, for the Southern District of New-York.

* * * * *

PREFACE

PUNCHINELLO, Vol. 1. No. 1.

(Suggestion: "Take care of No. 1.")

PUNCHINELLO TO THE PUBLIC, GREETING:

His name, PUNCHINELLO hopes, will not be found a difficult one to
articulate. He flatters himself that it has a smack of grape-juice and
olives about it. It rhymes with "mellow," which naturally brings us to
"good fellow.". On occasions PUNCHINELLO can "bellow," cut a "tremendous
swell," O, and he never throws away a chance of pocketing the "yellow."
He would like to rhyme with "swallow;" but alas! it can not, can not be.

And yet, in spite of (or perhaps on account of) PUNCHINELLO'S
mellifluous name, much cavil has been brought to bear upon him. (Prepare
to receive cavilry.)

Squadrons of well-meaning persons with speaking-trumpets marched to and
fro before the sponsors of PUNCHINELLO, each roaring at them to stop
such a name as _that_, and attend to _his_ suggestion, and his only.

One did not like PUNCHINELLO because it means a "little Punch," and
he--the speaking-trumpeter--liked a great deal; and lo! while he spoke,
he changed his trumpet for several horns. Then he was taken with a fit
of herpetology in his boots, and sank to advise no more.

Another--a fellow with an infinite fancy for buffo minstrelsy--was
vociferous that PUNCHINELLO should be called "Tommy Dodd." The
discussion upon this lasted for three months; but finally, "Tommy Dodd"
was rejected on account of the superfluously aristocratic aroma that
exhaled from the name.

Four divisions of men with banners then came by, each division
respectively composed of members of the waning families of Smith, Brown,
Jones, and Robinson, and each division bawled and thundered that the
name round which it rallied should be adopted instead of PUNCHINELLO, on
pain of death.

And thousands of others came with suggestions of a like sort; for which
some of them wanted "stamps." And when they had all had their say,
PUNCHINELLO was called PUNCHINELLO, and nothing else--a name by which he
means to stand or fall.

And now to business. PUNCHINELLO is not going to define his position
here. He refrains from boring his readers with prolix gammon about his
foreign and domestic relations. He will content himself (and readers, he
hopes) by briefly mentioning that he has foreign and domestic relations
in every part of the habitable globe, and that they each and all furnish
him with correspondence of the most reliable and spicy character,
regularly and for publication. Among his foreign relations he is happy
to reckon M. MEISSONNIER, the celebrated French artist, to whom he is
indebted for the original painting from which PUNCHINELLO, as he appears
on his own title-page, is taken.

A preface is not the place in which to enlarge upon topics of great
humanitarian interest, political importance, or social progress.
PUNCHINELLO will merely touch a few of such matters, then, and these
with a light finger. (No allusion, here, to the "light-fingered gentry,"
for whom PUNCHINELLO keeps a large grape vine in pickle.)

PUNCHINELLO observes the incipient tendency to return to specie
payments. To this revival, however, he is not as yet prepared to give
his adhesion, though, on the whole, he considers it preferable to
relapsing fever, which is also noted on 'Change. Cuba shall have her due
share of attention from him. And if She-Cuba, (Queen of the Antilles,
you know,) why not also He-Cuba?--lovely and preposterous woman, who,
from her eagerness to slip on certain habiliments that are masculine,
but shall here be nameless, shall henceforth be appropriately
distinguished by that name.

Let other important topics take care of themselves. PUNCHINELLO will
only add that he would at any time rather suspend the public plunderers
than _habeas corpus_, and that he means to take the gloss off the grim
joke that "Hanging for murder's played out in New-York."

It is pleasant for PUNCHINELLO to draw the attention of his readers to
the fact that this, his First Number, is dated April 2d--the day after
All Fools' Day. This is cheering; since thus it is manifest that
PUNCHINELLO leaves all the fools and jesters behind, and is, therefore,
first in the race for the crown of comic laurel and the quiver of
satiric shafts.

And now, by DAN PHOEBUS!--that's the DAN (ah!) that drives the _Sun_, you
know, and is the biggest spot upon it--here we find that we have talked
ourself all the way to DELMONICO'S, and there's CHARLEY on the lookout.

_Punchinello:_ "Good evening, Mr. DELMONICO; have you any room for us?"

_Delmonico:_ "You are very welcome, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, and your rooms are
quite ready; for we have been expecting you ever so long. Of course,
your staff of artists can be accommodated in our Drawing-room, if you
will permit me to throw off so insignificant a joke."

_Punchinello:_ "Tut, CHARLES!--'tis a joke of the first water, (first
brandy-and-water, CHARLES.) Cap your joke with another as good, and then
consider yourself on our staff. Lead us to our apartments, CHARLES."

And so, looking from his pleasant Fifth Avenue windows, PUNCHINELLO
waves a salutation to his audience with a "May you be happy, each and
all of you, and live all your days in clover," (admission ten cents.)

* * * * *

PUNCHINELLO'S NEW CHARTER.

THE GREAT PLATFORM OF THE RINGS.

The Lions and the Lambs lie down together,
While the "Sun" stands still.

The People of the State of New-York, represented by PUNCHINELLO and his
troop of admirers, hereby enact:

§ 1. All the offices now provided by law with within the City and County
of New-York, shall be put in a grand grab-bag;

§ 2. It shall be the duty of the Commissioners of the Central Park to
devote said Park, on the Fourth day of July next, to the erection of
poles (or polls) for the purpose of enabling voters to grab from the
grab-bag.

§ 3. HORACE GREELEY, PETER COOPER, the Rev. Dr. THOMPSON, DANIEL DREW,
and REDDY THE BLACKSMITH, are hereby constituted Inspectors and
Canvassers for the grabbers.

§ 4. It shall be the duty of the said inspectors to prepare a
registry-list of all the persons intending to grab, who are required to
serve a notice of intention through the post-office upon REDDY THE
BLACKSMITH, the Chairman. DANIEL DREW is to provide funds wherewith to
pay the postage.

§ 5. The registry-list shall be alphabetically prepared, and the number
of chances shall be determined by dividing the number of grabbers by the
number of offices.

§ 6. The grabbers shall be selected by lot.

§ 7. The lots shall be drawn by REDDY THE BLACKSMITH from his own hat,
his eyes wide open, while every other inspector, and the voters, shall
be blindfolded with newspapers from the files of the _Christian Union_;
whereupon, as the names of the fortunate grabbers are called, each one
shall proceed to the grab-bag and grab his office.

§ 8. There shall be no repeaters of the process.

§ 9. The persons thus grabbing offices shall be then and there, by the
Inspectors, declared duly elected to the offices grabbed, for life.

§ 10. Any vacancy occurring by assassination shall be immediately filled
by the Inspectors appointing the assassin.

§ 11. Every person owning real estate on the Island shall contribute one
ninety-ninth part of his income to the said grab-bag. On the following
Christmas, in the presence of the grab income-bents of offices, the
Inspectors shall proceed to divide the proceeds of these taxable
contributions, and one half of these proceeds shall be equally divided
among the grab income-bents of offices. The other half shall be devoted
to paving every conceivable surface of the city with wooden pavement.

§ 12. Owners of real estate in the city of New York are hereby allowed
to make their own arrangements with the gas companies for the supply of
light; but nothing herein shall be construed to devote any part of the
proceeds to light the public streets at night and real estate owners
shall be allowed to make their own arrangements for the supply of water
with the grab income-bents of the Croton Grab Board.

§ 13. The sewers of the city shall be converted to burial places for
persons assassinated at political meetings.

§ 14. Nothing herein contained shall be so construed as to permit any
judge to grant an injunction against any grabbers of the offices.

§ 15. The "dead-beats," heretofore known as policemen and soldiers of
the first division, are hereby legislated out of office, and it shall be
a felony punishable with assassination for any one to go unarmed with a
six-shooter.

§ 16. All provisions of the United States or State constitutions
inconsistent with the above provisions are hereby repealed.

* * * * *

From Gertrude of Wyoming.

Because a jury-mast is a makeshift for a lost spar, it does not
follow that a jury-woman is a make-shift for any body. In fact, the
women who sit upon juries are not the sort of women who personally
supply the family linen.

* * * * *

SURE TO BE LOST AT C.--Signor LEFRANC's voice, if he continues to
recklessly strain it with his chest C.

* * * * *

HINTS FOR THE FAMILY.

As it is intended that the mission of PUNCHINELLO shall be extended into
all circles of society, that of the family shall not be neglected. Every
other weekly journal abounds in wise domestic counsels, apt recipes,
cunning plans, and helpful patterns of all sorts; and PUNCHINELLO,
intending to offer the most advantages, expects to become so necessary
to the economical housewife and the prudent bread-winner that no family
will be able to do without him. So, with no further prologue, we will
present our readers with some valuable hints in regard to the use that
can be made of things that often lie about the house gathering
dust--idle clutter and of no service to any body. The first hint, we
know, if followed up, will be found of the greatest advantage to all,
yielding great measure of convenience at little cost. Take a wide
board--as wide as you can get it--and as long as it will cut without
cracks or knotholes, and saw the ends off square. Then bore four large
holes in the corners, and insert the ends of four sticks, each about
three feet long. Place it upon the floor, so that the board will be
supported by the sticks, thus:

[Illustration]

This contrivance will be found very useful for various purposes. It will
do to put books upon, to write upon, to iron clothes upon, and for any
other purpose where it is considered desirable to support household
objects at a distance from the floor. One of its chief advantages is to
serve as a receptacle for the food of a family during meals. If on such
occasions it be covered with a white linen or cotton cloth, its
appearance will be much improved, and in time it can not fail to become
a favorite article of furniture.

The next hint will please the ladies. Take two pieces of cotton or
woolen cloth, of any size from two inches to a foot square, and sew them
together at the edges, leaving, however, a small place unsewed at one
corner. You will now find that you have something like a square bag.
This is to be tightly filled with wool, bran, mowings, clippings of
human hair, or something of the kind, and the open corner is then to be
sewed up. When finished, the affair will assume this appearance and will
be found very useful for the preservation of pins. The manner of using
it is as follows: you take the pin in the hand and firmly press it into
the bag, when it will be found that the body of the pin will easily
enter, but that the head will prevent its entire disappearance. The
stuffing of the bag will retain the pin in its position until a slight
degree of force is used to withdraw it. With the use of this ingenious
little contrivance, pins can be kept in safety with the points always
hidden and their heads exposed to view. It will be found much more
economical and convenient than the plan of carrying pins loose in the
pocket, and eventually will be generally adopted, we think. The top and
corners can be ornamented _à discrétion_.

[Illustration]

Hint the third is especially addressed to country families. Take one of
the ordinary toilet-tables that are to be found in so many rural
habitations, and, on removing the white cover, you will probably find
that the table is formed of an empty flour-barrel with a board nailed on
top of it. Remove this board; get a head from another barrel of the same
size; place it properly upon the top; put some good hoops around the
ends, nail it all up tightly, and you will find that you will have a
very good barrel.

* * * * *

Founded upon Fact.

Why is BRENTANO like a hardware man?

Because he keeps _Tomahawks_ for sale.

* * * * *

Definition by an Envious Wood-Engraver.

ZINCALI--Artists who draw on zinc plates.

* * * * *

[Illustration: AN AGGRAVATED CASE.

_Man with Muffler_. "IT ISN'T THE FACT OF THE SORE THROAT I MIND SO MUCH
AS THE SUSPICION THAT I CAUGHT IT FROM THAT BEASTLY SNOB, BURLAPS, WHO
OCCUPIES THE ROOMS OPPOSITE."]

* * * * *

Truly Noble.

We have been requested to publish the following letter:

NEW-YORK, March 1, 1870.

TO THE PATRIOTS HAVING CHARGE OF THE MONUMENT TO VICTOR NOIR:

GENTLEMEN: I honor the brave! I am of America, American! I import from
bleeding France her brandy, her champagne, her claret, her olives, and
her sardines. I dispose of them at 1108 Lispenard street, New-York,
where my peculiar facilities enable me to offer unusual inducements to
the trade! I am with you and against tyrants! _Vive la freedom!_ I
inclose seven francs as a contribution to the monument! D.E.D. BEHTE.

* * * * *

Perennius Ære.

In view of the recent long and luminous discourse by a distinguished
United States Senator upon the subject of the funding bill, it is
respectfully suggested that a part of the amount to be saved to the
nation by this financial scheme shall be devoted to the erection of a
"palace lifting to eternal SUMNER!"

* * * * *

A Question for Ben Butler's Nurse.

Was the honorable member from Massachusetts _really_ born with a silver
spoon in his _mouth_?

* * * * *

The Witch and the Switch.

Fashionable women are like the conventional school-mistress--they
believe in the switch.

* * * * *

Naughty.

When did the people send a cipher to the State Senate? When they sent
NORT-on there.

* * * * *

THE MARINER'S WRONGS.

Within the memories of men who are not yet old, the sailor was always
looked upon and talked about as "a jolly dog." There was a glamour of
romance about him when he was at sea, and "JACK ashore" was for ages
held up as the presentment of all that was happy, and contented, and
free from care. His hardest duty was supposed to be shinning up the
ratlin to "reef," or "brail up," or "splice the mainbrace," or do some
other of those mysterious things that caused him to look so mythical to
the minds of land-lubbers and the simple-hearted kind of women that used
to be, but now no longer are. His lighter hours (about eighteen out of
the twenty-four) were passed in terpsichorean performances on the
"fo'k'sl," and were so fascinating to the shorey mind that music was
specially composed for them, and the "Sailor's Hornpipe" is one of the
scourges inflicted upon mortals, for their sins, by barrel-organists at
the present day. Grog was dealt out to him by the gallon, and, as for
"backy," the light-hearted fellow was never allowed to suffer for want
of _that_; so that his happiness may be said to have been complete.

Things are sadly changed, now, with regard to poor JACK. Every day we
read of outrageous assaults upon him with marline-spikes and other
perverted marine stores, by brutal skippers and flagitious mates, whose
proper end would be the yard-arm and the rope's end. All belaying-pin
and no pay has made JACK a dull boy. His windpipe refuses to furnish the
whilom exhilarating tooraloo for his hornpipe. Silent are the "yarns"
with which he used to while away the time when off his watch and
huddling under the lee of the capstan with his messmates. And then, when
he comes ashore, it is only to be devoured by the sharks that lie in
wait for him and drag him away bodily to their obscene "boarding-house"
dens.

Once on a time JACK, when in dock, used to make holiday of it on Sunday.
He looked as gay as a tobacconist's sign when rigged out in his best
blue for a lark ashore, where he was occasionally to be seen on
horseback with a row of his jovial messmates, all of them sitting with
their backs to the horse's head, and the sternmost of them steering the
bewildered animal by his tail. Now there seems to be a movement to cut
off from JACK even the holiday to which he is surely entitled. The
captain of a bark, lying at San Francisco, has lately stopped wages, to
the amount of sixty-five dollars, from a seaman, because the latter
refused to assist in discharging cargo on Sunday. Blue has, in one
sense, always been JACK's favorite color; but if this sort of thing goes
on much further, he must become bluer than ever, and his cheerless
condition will be such that he will not have a cheer left to shake the
welkin with when he helps to man the yards.

* * * * *

Postal.

Frankly speaking, can Senator REVEL's letters be called _Blackmail_?

* * * * *

Propagandism.

Ancient Rome was saved by a proper goose; modern Rome by a proper
gander.

* * * * *

The Sheriff's party tell us that they are always "watch"ful in the
interest of the tax-payers. So they should be, for don't they own the
most "repeaters"?

* * * * *

The Plays and Shows.

HAMLET--WITH A YELLOW WIG.

The poet--his name is of no consequence--has defined the evening as

"The close of the day when the HAMLET is still."

Evidently he was a bucolic, and not a metropolitan poet. Otherwise he
would have remembered that the close of the day, or, to speak with
mathematical accuracy, the hour of eight P.M., is precisely the time
when the HAMLET of a well-regulated theatrical community begins to make
himself vocally prominent. A few nights since, we had no less than three
HAMLETS propounding at the same time the unnecessary question, whether
to be or not to be is the correct thing. The serious HAMLET of the eagle
eye, and the burlesque HAMLET of the vulpine nose, are with us yet; but
the rival of the latter, the HAMLET of the taurine neck, has gone to
Boston, where his wiggish peculiarity will he better appreciated than it
was in this Democratic city.

The late Mr. WEGG prided himself upon being a literary man--with a
wooden leg. Mr. FECHTER aspires to be a HAMLET--with a yellow wig. Mr.
WEGG had this advantage over Mr. FECHTER, that his literary ability did
not wholly depend upon his ligneous leg. Mr. FECHTER'S HAMLET, on the
contrary, owes its existence solely to his wig. The key to his
popularity must he sought in his yellow locks.

There are, it is true, meritorious points in Mr. FECHTER'S Dane. One is
his skill in fencing; another, the fact that he finally suffers himself
to be killed. Unfortunately, this latter redeeming incident takes place
only in the last scene of the play, and the Fat Prince has therefore
abundant previous opportunity to mar the superb acting of Miss LECLERCQ.
Why this admirable artist did not insist that her OPHELIA should receive
a better support than was furnished by Messrs. BANGS, LEVICK, and
FECHTER, at Niblo's Garden, is an insoluble mystery. She must have
perceived the absurdity of drowning herself for a Prince--fair, fat, and
faulty--who refused to give her a share of his "loaf," and denied, with
an evident eye to a possible breach of promise suit, that he had given
her any "bresents."

That Mr. FECHTER speaks English imperfectly is, however, the least of
his defects. If he could not speak at all, his audience would have
reason for self-congratulation. We might, too, forget that he is an
obese, round-shouldered, short-necked, and eminently beery HAMLET, with
a tendency to speak through his nose. But how can we overlook his
incapacity to express the subtle changes of HAMLET'S ever questioning
mind? One of his admirers has recently quoted RUSKIN in his support. MR.
FECHTER gives no heed to RUSKIN'S axiom, that all true art is delicate
art. There is no delicacy in his conception of HAMLET. True, he is
impulsive and sensitive; but this is due to his physical and not to his
mental organization. A HAMLET without delicacy is quite as intolerable a
spectacle as a _Grande Duchesse_ without decency.

What, then, has given him his reputation? The answer is evident;--His
yellow wig. NAPOLEON gilded the dome of the _Invalides_, and the
Parisians forgot to murmur at the arbitrary acts of his reign. Mr.
FECHTER crowns himself with a golden wig, and the public forgets to
murmur at the five acts of his HAMLET.

In all other respects Mr. FECHTER'S HAMLET is inferior to that of his
rival Mr. FOX. It is not nearly as funny, and it is much less
impressive. Both actors are wrong, however, in not omitting the
graveyard scene. To make a burlesque of Death is to unlawfully invade
the province of Messrs. BEECHER and FROTHINGHAM.

The popularity of Mr. FECHTER is only a new proof of the potency of
yellow hair. It is the yellow hair of the British blonde, joined to that
kindliness of disposition with which--like a personification of
Charity--she "bareth all things," that makes her a thing of beauty in
the eyes of R.G.W., and a joy for as many seasons as her hair will keep
its color. It is because Mr. FECHTER decided that the hair presumptive
of the Royal Dane must have been yellow, that his name has grown famous
in England.

The veracious chronicler relates that, on one occasion, Mr. VENUS
deprived his literary friend with a wooden leg of that useful appendage.
But that act of constructive mayhem did not destroy Mr. WEGG'S literary
reputation. Can MR. FECHTER'S HAMLET endure an analogous test? If he has
confidence in himself, let him try it. He has gone to BOSTON for a
change of air. When he returns to NEW-YORK, let it be for a change of
hair. When he succeeds in drawing full houses to see him play HAMLET
with raven curls, we shall believe that he is something more than simply
a HAMLET--with a yellow wig. Until then we shall be constrained to class
him with the other blonde burlesquers.

MATADOR.

* * * * *

WHAT THE PRESS IS EXPECTED TO SAY OF US.

There is no trash in this paper.--_Literary Standard_.

PUNCHINELLO is a perfect beauty, and good as beautiful.--_Moralist_.

--a most suitable companion for our walks and meditations.--_Casuist_.

PUNCHINELLO pays beautifully.--_Cash Account_.

--just the thing for our mothers-in-law.--_Domestic-Hearth_.

--its wisdom and learning are equally remarkable.--_College Club_.

PUNCHINELLO deserves to be styled A Brick.--_Midnight Male_.

--the most irreproachable thing going; and every man who does not buy a
copy for himself, every week, and another for his wife, with one for
each of his children, is a brute.--_Plain Speaker_.

--bully.--_Western Grazier_.

--knows beans.--_Horticulturist_.

--up to snuff.--_Market Reporter_.

--cock of the walk.--_Prairie Chicken_.

--perfectly lovely.--_Ladies' Voice_.

--read it, try to parse it, and then set it to music and sing
it.--_Yankee Teacher_.

--the thing we dreamed of, longed for, sighed for, and paid
for.--_Public at Large_.

* * * * *

A Walking Fish.

The Walk in life of Mr. Secretary of State FISH, considering him as a
private individual, has hitherto been irreproachable. Nevertheless, his
walk might be much improved by President GRANT, if the latter would only
teach him to Walk Spanish.

* * * * *

"Hole-in-the-Day."

It is stated, though on what authority we are unable to say, that the
Philadelphia _Day_ is printed on straw paper made from the surplus
straw-hats that formed an item of a notorious government contract
negotiated during the war.

* * * * *

[Illustration: MESMERISM IN WALL STREET.

_First Lady Broker, (entrancing subject.)_ "THERE, I'VE GOT HIM TO THE
POINT NOW. TAKE HIM AT HIS WORD, QUICK."

_Commodore V-nd-rb-lt, (murmurs.)_ "SELL ME ONE THOUSAND SHARES
CENTRAL."

_Second Lady Broker._ "BOOKED!"]

* * * * *

THE BALLAD OF CAPTAIN EYRE,

OF THE PACIFIC AND ORIENTAL STEAMSHIP "BOMBAY."

My name was ARTHUR EYRE, when I sailed,
When I sailed;
My name was ARTHUR EYRE, when I sailed;
My name was ARTHUR EYRE, a true British snob, I swear,
Who for Yankees didn't care, as I sailed.

I'd been taught at 'ome, per'aps, ere I sailed,
Ere I sailed;
I'd been taught at 'ome, per'aps, ere I sailed;
I'd been taught at 'ome, per'aps, that JOHN BULL his fingers snaps
At the "cussed Yankee chaps," ere I sailed.

So I steered across the seas, as I sailed,
As I sailed;
I steered across the seas, as I sailed;
I steered across the seas, and swilled my hale at hease;
I was master, "if you please," as I sailed.

VICTORIA'S flag I flew, as I sailed,
As I sailed;
VICTORIA'S flag I flew, as I sailed;
VICTORIA'S flag I flew, and wore her colors too,
Like a British sailor true, as I sailed.

Off the shore of far Japan, as I sailed,
As I sailed;
Off the shore of far Japan, as I sailed;
Off the shore of far Japan, I a Yankee ship did scan,
That with helm a-starboard ran, as I sailed.

A curse rose to my lip, as I sailed,
As I sailed;
A curse rose to my lip, as I sailed;
A curse rose to my lip as on the Yankee ship
Through the darkness I did slip, as I sailed.

And I ran the Yankee down, as I sailed,
As I sailed;
And I ran the Yankee down, as I sailed;
Ay, I ran the Yankee down, and I left the dogs to drown,
While to Yokohama town on I sailed.

They say they showed a light, as I sailed,
As I sailed;
They say they showed a light, as I sailed;
They say they showed a light, to tell their hopeless plight,
But "I served them bloody right," as I sailed!

For my name is Captain EYRE, as I sail,
As I sail;
My name is Captain EYRE, as I sail;
For my name is Captain EYRE, and it's d-----d absurd, I swear,
That for Yankees I should care, as I sail!

* * * * *

"Arcades Ambo."

As there seem to be some disorganizing elements just now at work in the
ancient and honorable order of the Knights of Pythias, might it not be
well for them to compromise by a fraternal secession of the discontented
spirits, who could form a kindred order under the title of the Deys of
Damon?

* * * * *

USEFUL MATERIAL FOR FANCY CLOG-DANCERS--Sandal-wood.

* * * * *

[Illustration:

March 4, 1869.
A GIANT AMONG THE PIGMIES.

March 4, 1870.
A PIGMY AMONG THE GIANTS.]

* * * * *

PUNCHINELLO IN WALL STREET.

That it is not PUNCHINELLO'S intention to overlook Wall street, may be
absolutely taken at par. To look over Wall street is quite another
matter, and P. knows how to do it to a T. Many a time at midnight, from
his perch on the tip of the spire of Old Trinity, (a tip-top point from
which to look over Wall street--you see the point?) has PUNCHINELLO
beheld the ghosts of dead speculations floating hopelessly through the
murky air. It could not be said of them that there was "no speculation
in those eyes." The ghost of a dead speculation was never so utterly
damned, the eyes of a ghost of a dead speculation were never so
absolutely dimmed, but that speculation of some kind might be discerned
fluttering like a mummy-cloth from the shadowy outline of the former,
and gleaming feebly from the gloomy goggles of the latter. Gleam on,
poor ghosts! Goggle while you may, and gibber. PUNCHINELLO watches you
with interest, (25 per cent.,) as you are weighed down to the very dirt
of The Street by the night-fog of Despair, flapping your wings on a very
small "margin," as if attempting vainly to "operate for a rise." Go
down, poor ghosts; repair to your incandescent place below, for there is
no hope for you. As we sit here upon our spire, we can not say to you,
_Dum spiramus speramus_. Alas! no. We would like to do so, of course;
but our sense of truth revolts against the enunciation of such a
taradiddle.

Soon after daylight has been fully turned on, it is the wont of
PUNCHINELLO to descend from his perch on the church, (rhyme,) and roam
waywardly and invisibly among the denizens who occupy the dens of The
Street. He knows all the ins and outs of the place, and has long been
disgustingly familiar with its ups and downs. Gently has he dabbled in
stocks, and no modern operator is half so conversant an he is with the
juggles of the Stock Exchange. PUNCHINELLO, though as fresh and frisky,
in mind and body, as a kid on a June morning, is older than he chooses
to let every body know. Bless you all, readers dear! he was by when the
Tulip Mania was hatched, (mixed figure,) and it was he who punctured the
great South Sea Bubble, and sent it on a burst. Ha! ha! he-e-e!--how he
laughs when he recurs to those days of the long, long ago, with their
miserable little swindles, no better than farthing candles, (allowable
rhyme,) and their puny dodges devised for flagellating LUCIFER round a
stump.

Just think of a lot of fellows pretending to play at Tulipmaniacs
bolting Bubble-and-squeak, and not a jockey among them all had ever
heard of "puts" and "calls." Deuce a one of them know a "corner" from a
cockatrice's egg, and if you had mentioned a "scoop" to the most
intelligent of them, he'd have sworn that you had been and gone and
swallowed a Scandinavian dictionary. (N.B. In this application the nave
in Scandinavian might properly be spelt with a k.) Ah! yes, yes:
What-d'ye-call him was wide-awake when he remarked to Thingumbob that
"the world _does move_."

How strong the contrast to PUNCHINELLO as he glides, invisible, to and
fro among the bulls and bears on 'Change, observing the "modern
instances" of their improved manner of doing business, and taking all
their devices into the corner of his brightest eye! (The only safe
"corner" _he_ knows of on The Street.) How he chuckles as he observes
the ways of 'em--sees a bear selling that which he hasn't, and a bull
buying that which he doesn't want--all "on a margin" and to "settle
regular," of course. Bless you! children of the modern Mammon. Go in and
win, or lose if you find it more exciting. Learn to control finances, if
you would fain grow to be good men and contribute hereafter good men to
the taxable population. Proceed with your virtuous transactions on
'Change. Never mind each other's toes; they who have corns must not care
for being cornered. (Meant playfully.) Inflate the market with your
heavy purchases. Blow the market, and "corner the shorts." Be a "bear,"
if you will; and when you play at "bull," remember the frog in the
fable, who would be an ox, and went on inflating until he burst.

You bloated stockmonger there, with your hands in your pockets and your
eye on the mean chance, what care you how much capital is represented by
certificates issued? "That's played out," you say? You know it is, you
slimy salamander, and so does PUNCHINELLO. You know that by the use of
convertible bonds capital can be increased or diminished _ad infinitum_.
Loan your millions to Erie, to save it from destruction or the Sheriff,
(synonymous terms,) and you will derive sweet consolation from the
consciousness of your power to add or diminish at will.

Look at the "Great Waterer." When he chose to "snake away" Erie from its
friends, and make it tributary to New-York Central, the printing-press
was at work--a fact which he did not discover until he had paid out ten
millions. Then the foreigners purchased ream after ream of certificates
to control Erie, and to-day their stock is declared not worth a row of
pins, owing to the piles of money swallowed by the afflictive suits on
the stamped certificates.

Observe SNIGGER and SNAGGER, too; mark the goings and comings of these
partners in business and iniquity. How regularly they have kept swearing
that their business never paid, and yet their dividends always increased
when they wished to distribute their stock.

And here is one who--more audacious, far, than King CANUTE of old--would
control even the ocean. This man starts a Pacific Mail with a capital of
ten millions, increases the amount to twenty millions, and swears it is
worth thirty. Then he "puts his foot in it" and shows the knave in his
deal, (dealings--jocular,) by selling the stock at thirty-five.

This from PUNCHINELLO, as he looks over The Street--and through it--from
his lofty pinnacle. Don't strain your precious eyes and necks in
fruitless endeavors to discover him there, since he can make himself
invisible at will. But listen, ye men of The Street, with all your ears,
(Erie,) and you will hear a solemn chant like unto that of the _muezzin_
from the minaret. 'Tis the voice of PUNCHINELLO wafting sonorously from
his tower the instructive moral--

"Whoe'er sells stocks as isn't his'n,
Must pay up or go to pris'n."

* * * * *

A New Conglomerate Pavement.

It was well said by a saucy Frenchman, "that England had fifty religions
but only one sauce." Paraphrasing this loosely, we may say of New-York,
that she has a dozen different pavements and deuce a good one. There was
the "Russ," on which the horses used to be "let slide," but couldn't
trot; the "Belgian," of dubious repute; the "Nicholson," which, from its
material, must have been invented by "Nick of the Woods;" the
"Mouse-trap," set to catch other things than mice; the "Fiske," a
pavement pitched in altogether too high a key to be pleasant; The
"Stafford," the "Stow," and several others which it would be painful to
enumerate here. Why doesn't the daily press look lively, and devise a
better pavement than any of these? There's STONE, of the _Journal of
Commerce_; WOOD, of the _News_; MARBLE, of the _World_; and BRICK, of
the _Democrat_. Let them put their heads together and give us a good
conglomerate.

* * * * *

A Hopeful Anticipation.

Now that the darkeys are about to take part in national legislation, we
shall probably be able to negrotiate a postal treaty with France.

* * * * *

On one Drowned.

He left a large circle, etc.!

* * * * *

[Illustration: SYMPATHY WITH CUBA.

_Enthusiastic Sympathizer._ "What I say is, we _must_ have our cigars;
and _therefore_, Cuba _must_ be ours."]

* * * * *

PUNCHINELLO'S LYRICS.

No. 1.

Ho! I am the jolly repeater,
And I train with the magical band,
Who the legerdemain of the ballot
With the skill of a wizard command.

Once a year every poll I explore,
Honest voting is Greenland to me;
Free suffrage is ever my motto,
To my amnesty judges agree.

The trickster inspector I loathe, sir!
Or the canvasser's pencils that thieve;
Voting early and often is nobler
Than ballots to change from one's sleeve.

No eight hours' labor I ask for,
Votes from sunrise to sunset I cast;
They are bread on political waters,
And my sinecures follow them fast.

WILLIAM B. and his millionaire crew
Will only vote once, sir; while I
(Who to scorn laugh the honest assessors)
Plump a score to their one--on the sly!

Who asks for my name? I repeat it--
Ho! the jolly repeater am I;
Each book of the registry knows me,
And I'm now in the market--Who'll buy?

(The above may be sung _da capo_, which is Italian for "repeat.")

* * * * *

Music and Morals in Chicago.

The _Marriage of Figaro_ did not interest the Chicago people when it was
produced in that peculiar city. Had it been called the "Divorce of
Figaro," it would have aroused their warmest admiration.

* * * * *

MR. GREELEY'S AIDS TO LITERARY EFFORT.

On the general principle that "no one is a hero to his valet," not even
a valetudinarian, it may be safely asserted that the divinity that doth
hedge most great writers is lost the moment their admirers become
acquainted with their habits of thought and methods of composition. The
popular delusion that H.G. "knows every thing" is calculated to work
indefinite injury to some modest men who are supposed to "know
something." GREELEY'S mind, like a _camera obscura_, may be said to
retain its impressions while in the dark, and to lose them when exposed
to the light. He has never, to any extent, heeded the scriptural
injunction against walking in darkness, which explains why so many
_Tribune_ readers are in the dark concerning the truth and justice of
popular questions. Consequently, as in the case of other great men, when
GREELEY'S mind becomes pregnant with a theme, moved to pity by the
neglected education and limited mental resources of many of his readers,
he repairs to one of his numerous literary lairs, and ransacks the pages
of the Past for plunder befitting his pen and party. When he is about to
write an editorial article on Protection, he invariably prepares his
mind by reading several chapters on the "Manly Art of Self-Defense,"
which accounts for the wisdom and brilliancy displayed by him on the
subject of tariffs. In order to approach a discussion of the subject of
vegetarianism without prejudice, H.G. repairs to the wheezy WINDUST'S,
where, for hours at a time, he literally "crams" with his favorite dish
of pork and beans. The Amelioration of the condition of the Working
Classes is another favorite theme with GREELEY, and, in order to discuss
clearly and cogently the many phases and ramifications of this lively
and exciting topic, he devotes several hours to the study of "Idleness
as a Fine Art." Before writing a particularly funny or spirited article
upon Politics, the Fine Arts, or the Drama, H.G., it is said, may be
seen for several hours at the Astor Library, poring over BURTON'S
_Anatomy of Melancholy_. While in the throes of literary labor upon _The
Great Conflict_, he had numerous dogmatic discussions with Mr. KIT
BURNS, participated in several flights of the "fancy" to the
bird-battling haunts of New Jersey, and even pursued the ministers of
muscle to the scene of their bucolic pastimes in the P.R. It is,
perhaps, unnecessary to remark that Mr. GREELEY'S _Recollections of a
Busy Life_ were inspired almost directly by frequent collusion with the
pages of DE QUINCEY and COLERIDGE, whose wild lives and turbulent
experiences possess a peculiar charm for the Triton of the _Tribune_.
When Mr. GREELEY wishes to write against capital punishment--which he
does about every time the moon changes--he naturally turns over a few
pages of _Thirty Years in Washington_. When he purposes to tempt the
bounding bean of the kitchen garden of Chappaqua, or humble the hopeful
harrow of agriculture, he may be found either at the Italian Opera,
serenely sleeping under the soporific strains of _Sonnambula_, or at the
Circus, benignly blinking at the agglomerating Arabs. The inspiration
for that thrilling story in real life, entitled, _What I Know about
Farming_, is said to have been received almost wholly from the state of
somnolency induced by that clever clairvoyant, the Rev. Dr. CHAPIN. A
curious notion exists in the minds of a few ignorant persons, to the
effect that Mr. GREELEY vexes his mellow mind for essays on the
temperance question with frequent and numerous imbibitions of "soda
straight;" but it is high time that this popular error was exploded. All
who have seen Mr. GREELEY in the bar-room of a certain city hotel,
dashing down brandy or pouring down whisky, and have next morning
perused a Tribune editorial on "The Evils of Intemperance," need not be
reminded of the chief source of H.G.'s animated style and vigorous
diction. An extended walk along the beautiful avenues of the city, or a
drive through Central Park, invariably prepares Mr. GREELEY's mind for
the birth of an article on the advantages to young men of leaving the
metropolis and seeking homes in the West. Some months ago, Mr. GREELEY
purchased a small, select library, which contains, among other choice
works, the sweet pastoral productions of SYLVANUS COBB, Jr.; the quaint
and exhilarating narratives of EUGENE SUE; the wholesome and harmless
fictions of NED BUNTLINE, together with the complete poetical works of
MARTIN FARQUHAR TUPPER, and it was from the perusal of these comforting
and pellucid contributions to American literature that Mr. GREELEY
caught the spirit and the style which distinguish his thrilling work on
Political Economy. But something too much of this. We would not embitter
the life of Mr. GREELEY, at present, by any farther revelations, and
therefore we let the subject drop.

* * * * *

CONDENSED CONGRESS.

SENATE.

At the opening, Senator SUMNER rose to a personal explanation. In fact,
he always does. He said that General PRIM had disowned having had any
thing to do with him upon the Cuban question. General PRIM was perfectly
correct. (Applause.) He did not know much about the Cuban question; but
he flattered himself that he was familiar with the gurreat purrinciples
of Eternal Justice, and he intended to apply them to the solution of all
our political problems. He said that Lord COKE had justly and eloquently
observed _de minimis non curat lex._ He thought this would apply to our
relations with the Island, where, although the sugar-cane lifts its
lofty top and the woodbine twineth, the accursed spirit of caste still
prevails. He begged to bring to the attention of the Senate and the
country the amended lines of the sacred poet:

"What though the spicy breezes
Blow soft o'er Cuba's isle;
Though every prospect pleases,
And only man is vile?"

The Senate would say with CICERO, _de non apparentious et non
existentibus, eadem est ratio_, and they would remember with reference
to the revolutionists of Cuba the great saying of Lord BACON, "Put a
beggar on horseback, and he will go to the Senate from Massachusetts."
Whatever the issue of the Cuban contest might be, he could lay his hand
upon his heart, and say with the Mantuan bard, "_Homo sum_." or, in the
language of our own Shakespeare, that which we call a rose by any other
name would smell as sweet. These were all the sentiments he could find
in his library which bore directly upon this subject.

Senator SUMNER then introduced a bill to provide for the resumption of
specie payments. The bill sets forth that it shall hereafter be a felony
for any person to make tender of any thing other than gold and silver to
any person of African descent, in any of the States lately in rebellion.
In moving the bill, the senator said that its passage was imperatively
demanded by several negroes whom he knew, and that he would not consent
to deliver these helpless persons into the hands of their late masters
without some such guarantee as this bill furnished. He quoted from
ARISTOTLE, LOCKE, and BURKE to prove that classes liable to oppression
were apt to be oppressed.

Senator TRUMBULL wished to know what that had to do with the resumption
of specie payments.

Senator SUMNER considered the inquiry impertinent. The great principles
of justice were always in order.

Senator GARRET DAVIS took the floor, and made a neat speech of three
days and a half in opposition to the bill. He said he was a Democrat,
and he always had been a Democrat. The founders of the republic would
weep if they could see what the government had come to. What would CLAY
and CALHOUN have said to seeing such men as his honorable friend from
Nevada (Mr. NYE) and himself in the Senate? If he might be permitted to
infringe upon the domain of the senator from Massachusetts, he would
quote Shakspeare, "What should such fellows as I do, crawling between
heaven and earth?" (Loud applause.) At the close of Mr. DAVIS'S speech
his friends came in from WELCKER'S, and congratulated him on having got
through. Exhausted nature made the Senate adjourn.

HOUSE.

After some general sparring, of which a set to between Mr. GARFIELD and
Mr. HAIGHT formed the most conspicuous feature, the cadetship question
came up. Mr. VOORHEES explained that he never had sold any cadetships.
Mr. LOGAN wished to know who said he had. Mr. VOORHEES remarked that Mr.
LOGAN was another. Mr. VOORHEES explained that he had appointed the son
of a constituent, and that subsequently to the appointment he had taken
a drink at the expense and the request of the constituent. He always
took his straight, and the cost to his constituent was only fifteen
cents. Which one of his colleagues would have acted otherwise? (Voices,
"Not one.")

Mr. BUTLER denounced the course of Mr. VOORHEES. For his part, he saw no
impropriety in selling cadetships or any thing else. What do gentlemen
suppose that cadetships exist for, if it is not for the emolument of
congressmen? He considered his patronage as a part of his perquisites.
This had been the guiding principle of his life, alike in his military
and his political career. He considered the action of Mr. VOORHEES to be
an act of deliberate treachery to this House. If he accepted a pitiful
drink in return for his official influence, he was guilty of a gross
offense in cheapening the price of patronage. A cadetship was worth $500
if it was worth a cent. If, on the other hand, he gave his cadetship
away, his conduct was even more culpable; for other congressmen might be
weak enough to follow his baleful example, and the market would be
broken down. He advocated the formation of a Congressional Labor Union
to determine the value of these appointments, and to expel all members
who took less than the standard rate. This was what was done in other
branches of business, and if his colleagues wished to be like him, the
little busy B.F.B., and improve each shining hour, this is what they
would do.

And then the House adjourned.

* * * * *

READY-MADE EPITAPHS.

On a Departed Clown.

Though lost to sight, to mummery dear.

On a Faithful Book-keeper.

Posted up.

* * * * *

Wring the Belles.

American belles ought to make good housewives, because they put up with
little or no waist.

* * * * *

To whom it may Concern.

Persons who take music by the wholesale are informed that they can
procure it of the street organ-grinders, who dispose of it by the
Barrel.

* * * * *

Voice in the Air.

"What is honor? Air."--Sir JOHN FALSTAFF.

"What is dishonor? EYRE."--Every body.

* * * * *

The "Cumming" Man.

The "sensation" editor of the _Sun_.

* * * * *

[Illustration: "BLAG YER BOOTS, MISTER!"]

* * * * *

A Huge Sell.

The appointing to cadetships at West-Point.

* * * * *

The Most Religious Editor in New-York.

C.A. DANA--because every week-day is observed as a _"Sun"_ day by him.

* * * * *

A Good General Idea.

A neat practical joke was that perpetrated by one of our contributors,
who, having been requested to bring us "something pat," walked into our
office a day or two after with a couple of Fenian generals in tow.

* * * * *

A Happy Thought.

The Elevated Railway is worked by means of what is known to engineers as
an "endless rope." Might it not be well to work the murderers and
robbers of New-York on the same principle?

* * * * *

Abnormal.

One of the strangest anomalies in color known is to be observed at
Mobile and other places on the Southern coast, where black men are
frequently Bay pilots.

* * * * *

KING OAKEY THE FIRST, OF IRELAND.

BY ALDERMAN ROONEY.

HOORAH! the dawn begins to break,
Ould Ireland's sons at last awake,
And from their sowls the shackles shake
That long have kept them under.
Arise, then, brave Phoenicians all,
Obey your noble gineral's call;
From off the steps of City Hall
You hear his voice of thunder!

O OAKEY, darlin'! you're the wan
To take ould Erin by the han';
We'll pummel the Britishers every man,
And make you King of Ireland!

Go rowl the news across the say,
Of how we spint the glorious day,
A hundred thousand on Broadway,
And more upon the Island.
Go tell the lords in Parlamint,
Of how Saint PATRICK'S day was spint,
And see if they don't reduce the rint
On every fut of dry land.

O OAKEY, darlin'! you're the wan
To take ould Erin by the han';
We'll pummel the Britishers every man,
And make you King of Ireland!

Go tell them how you raised the flag,
The green above their crimson rag,
And should they talk of Yankee brag,
We'll tache them how to rue it.
Go tell them how all day you stud,
Wid both your nate feet in the mud,
As if it had been Saxon blood
And you wor fightin' thro' it!

O OAKEY, darlin'! you're the wan
Who've tuk ould Erin by the han';
We'll pummel the Britishers every man.
And make you King of Ireland!

Your innimies say you're not sincere,
Nor care a straw for Irish here,
Unless whin 'lection time is near,
And Irish votes are wanted.
But don't you throuble yourself at all,
We'll drive your innimies to the wall;
We know you better, OAKEY HALL,
Than take sich stuff for granted.

No! OAKEY, darlin', you're the wan
Who've tuk ould Erin by the han';
We'll pummel the Britishers every man,
And make you King of Ireland!

They say you want to be Mayor once more,
And after that, to be Governore--
As if you wouldn't be needed before,
To lade the Faynians over.
And they say you raise this hullabaloo,
'Bout Ireland's wrongs, and Cuba's too,
That Irish fools might cotton to you,
And you might sit in clover.

But no! for OAKEY, you're the wan
That tuk ould Erin by the han';
We'll pummel the Britishers every man,
And make you King of Ireland!

Oh! no; we are not so aisy schooled,
By slanders bought wid Saxon goold;
They'll find, who think us so aisy fooled,
How much they underrate us.
Then up, mavrone! and take your stand,
The layder of the Faynian band,
And King you'll soon be of the land
Of shamrogues and potatoes!

Yes! OAKEY, darlin', you're the wan
That tuk ould Erin by the han';
We'll pummel the Britishers every man,
And make you King of Ireland.

So, good Saint PATRICK, bless the day
Whin Gineral HALL will march away,
Across the deep and briny say,
My country's bonds to sever;
And bless him whin he goes ashore.
And whin he walks in British gore,
And whin he's Ireland's King asthore,
Oh! may he live forever.

Yes! OAKEY, darlin', you're the wan
That tuk ould Erin by the han';
An' you'll be King of all her lan',
King OAKEY First, of Ireland.

[Illustration: LUCIFER INTERVIEWS THE MAYOR.

_Mayor Hall_. "WANT YOUR PLACE PAVED, YOU SAY? CERTAINLY, SIR; HOW WILL
YOU HAVE IT DONE, WITH GOOD INTENTIONS OR WITH BROKEN PROMISES? WE CAN
SUPPLY YOU WITH EITHER AT THE CITY HALL."]

PUNCHINELLO:

TERMS TO CLUBS.

WE OFFER AS PREMIUMS FOR CLUBS

FIRST:

DANA BICKFORD'S PATENT FAMILY SPINNER,

The most complete and desirable machine ever yet introduced for spinning
purposes.

SECOND:

BICKFORD'S CROCHET AND FANCY WORK MACHINES.

These beautiful little machines are very fascinating, as well as useful;
and every lady should have one, as they can make every conceivable kind
of crochet or fancy work upon them.

THIRD:

BICKFORD'S AUTOMATIC FAMILY KNITTER.

This is the most perfect and complete machine in the world. It knits
every thing.

FOURTH:

AMERICAN BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, AND SEWING-MACHINE.

This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on
all former machines. No. 1, with finely finished Oiled Walnut Table and
Cover, complete, price, $75. No. 2, same machine without the buttonhole
parts, etc., price, $60.

WE WILL SEND THE

Family Spinner, price, $8, for 4 subscribers and $16.
No.1 Crochet, " 8, " 4 " " 16.
" 2 " " 15, " 6 " " 24.
" 1 Automatic Knitter, 72 needles, 30, " 12 " " 48.
" 2 " " 84 needles, 33, " 13 " " 52.
No.3 Automatic Knitter, 100 needles, 37, for 15 subscribers and $60.
" 4 " " 2 cylinders, 33, " 13 " " 52.
1 72 needles 40. " 16 " " 64.
1 100 needles

No. 1 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine,
price, $75, for 30 subscribers and $120.

No. 2 American Buttonhole and Overseaming Machine,
without buttonhole parts, etc., price, $60, for 25 subscribers and $100.

Descriptive Circulars

Of all these machines will be sent upon application to this office, and
full instructions for working them will be sent to purchasers.

Parties getting up Clubs preferring cash to premiums, may deduct
seventy-five cents upon each full subscription sent for four subscribers
and upward, and after the first remittance for four subscribers may send
single names as they obtain them, deducting the commission.

Remittances should be made in Post-Office Orders, Bank Checks, or Drafts
on New-York City; or if these can not be obtained, then by Registered
Letters, which any post-master will furnish.

Charges on money sent by express must be prepaid, or the net amount only
will be credited.

Directions for shipping machines must be full and explicit, to prevent
error. In sending subscriptions give address, with Town, County, and
State.

The postage on this paper will be twenty cents per year, payable
quarterly in advance, at the place where it is received. Subscribers in
the British Provinces will remit twenty cants in addition to
subscription.

All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to
P.O. Box 2783.

PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY

No. 83 Nassau Street,

NEW-YORK

* * * * *

S.W. GREEN, PRINTER, CORNER JACOB AND FRANKFORT STREETS.

*** End of this LibraryBlog Digital Book "Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 01, April 2, 1870" ***

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