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Title: Dreaming of Dreaming - Poetry by Peter E. Williams Author: Williams, Peter E. Language: English As this book started as an ASCII text book there are no pictures available. *** Start of this LibraryBlog Digital Book "Dreaming of Dreaming - Poetry by Peter E. Williams" *** Copyright (C) Peter E. Williams 1999 Dreaming Of Dreaming dragon2 Peter E. Williams Meet Electrified Publication #1 _________________________________________________________________ Dreaming Of Dreaming Poetry by Peter E. Williams Edited by tiM McCann Meet Electrified Press _________________________________________________________________ I wish to thank tiM, editor, but firstly and foremostly friend, for his honest criticism and undying enthusiasm that he has shown towards my poetry. Without his work, this book would not have happened. Dreaming of Dreaming Poetry by Peter E. Williams ISBN 0-646-38552-6 Copyright © Peter E. Williams 1999 First Published 1999 by Meet Electrified Press 24/255 Northbourne Avenue, Lyneham ACT 2602 Cover illustration - monochrome reproduction of a water colour by Peter E. Williams, circa 1980. _________________________________________________________________ Table Of Contents Nuts Shame Mind Stew Dreaming of dreaming with my cat. Piffle the Cat My Mum White Space Life's A Beach Merchant Banker Mega, Giga, Tera A million to hate To have lived our fantasies And the Expletives Remained Spinning Out Walls & Sledge Hammers Knots "He's fallen in the water!" Voices again. Been there, done that... An Abecedarian Story Hollywood Romantiks Are we there yet ? It didn't really happen Lovely Passenger Lust Looking Good Circular Poem From Attitude to Gratitude Perhaps Remembered Turf One Tuesday in February One Wednesday in March My Brother. Oh brother... Religion, sex, etc. Pokies Therefore Bill of Rights Cut-up (last 3) Forked! Just `orrible What is love ? #1 What is love ? #2 About the Poet _________________________________________________________________ Nuts Crazy as a cashew. Unbelievably lucky, I keep my job, live alone, lead a lucky life. Always the same old job, 17 years of it. Go nowhere. Be nobody. Do nothing. Sheer luxury. Shame They got to me. They drove me off the deep end. But I'm lucky with my label, and my safe job. Shame I'm nuts. Blissful, lucky, shame. Mind Stew Boil, boil, and on it stews, the broth that cooks, on the stove that is my mind. Ideas bob up, then quickly go. But some will stay and add to the flavour that is my twisted mind. Dreaming of dreaming with my cat. (Dedicated to Go the cat) Early this morning in bed, I had a very pleasant dream. I dreamt that I was asleep on the sofa with my cat (that I don't have anymore) curled up on my back, and we were both warm and happy. Those types of dreams are always the best and I never want to wake up from them. But then again... I'd never get to see the beautiful day in store for me. Piffle the Cat My cat came to me in a dream last night, he needed my love and my reassurance that things would be okay. His name was Patches, but he answered to Piffle and he was a sook and a cuddler. My cat came to me in a dream last night, he never deserved to go the way that he did. no-one did. you see, he was killed by vicious dogs at the front door of his home He never did learn to fight only to run But he wasn't fast enough that day, he was getting a little old. My cat came to me in a dream last night, I told him I loved him and he told me the same, for it was twenty years ago that he was taken away to the very day. My Mum I love my Mum, I always do, always have, always will. She's always joining dots, but never quite getting the picture. So we're always drawing those pictures, Dad and me. Framing them, and hanging them on the walls, for Mum to see. I love Mum! Everybody does. She's such a loving, lovable, caring and wonderful human being. God, I love her. White Space Here I sit, at my word pro, the white space staring me down, but not out. I experiment, juxtaposing pseudo-random words into pretentious, premeditated poetry. Then with an afflatus, words flow, whispered by my muse, into lines and stanzas. Life's A Beach I am not you. You are not me. Me, myself and I will get alone just fine. Fine for that is life. Life in the suburbs is sedate. Sedated in the psych. wards. Wardrobe looks a little bare. Bare all at the beach. Merchant Banker Merchant banker willie wanker likes to spank her can't thank her change the lock adjust the clock darn my sock suck my cock Mega, Giga, Tera Down in those malls those super malls we've got mega stores and we're making them bigger 1000 times more, giga stores NO!!! make them bigger still a million times better more freebees a million times bigger... we'll call them TERASTORES. $1,000,000,000,000 A million to hate how many men could I find to hate ??? how many have betrayed me ??? 10, 100, 1000 or a million times more It's just how you look at it; 'cos if you don't have the time or the energy to hate then you will find true peace if only you look inside. To have lived our fantasies I found you you found me we corresponded we fantasized I gave without questioning you promised it all but you delivered nothing had you really promised without thinking ??? or did your feet turn cold ??? And the Expletives Remained The lines flowed, the poem wrote itself and the expletives remained Fuck the Poetry Police! Fuck you all, very much. Spinning Out The last time I was " hearing voices" again was only a couple of days ago. I was sick in bed with a viral infection. I was trying to sleep but voices kept saying " Think what you know is true." But then I would think, " Well what do I know is the truth ?" Then I'd think of something and say, well that's true, and quick as a flash another voice would say " Is that really what you believe ? Is that what is true ? Isn't that bullshit ?" And then I'd have to think of something else to believe in. And this was not a relaxed process. No way! It was manic. It seemed to happen a 1000 times a minute, and it just wouldn't stop. At least, it went on for an hour or so, and it seemed like an eternity. Just another day in the life of "a person with schizophrenia." Walls & Sledge Hammers Where do I start ? At the beginning of course, but where is that exactly ? I am (to state it in politically incorrectly language) a schizophrenic. And I have been living with that label for the past 15-odd years now. I live by myself, have a few close friends... But I count myself as one of the lucky ones because throughout all of times in and out of psych. wards of hospitals, I kept the same job, with a large government organization, and they've been very supportive towards me. Today, at work, in my lucky full time job as a government nobody, I get largely left alone and to my own devices. For better or for worse, but always with an occasional supervisory peer over my shoulder to keep me in line. "Oh yes,, your job is safe, we do value your work, just keep going at your own pace. We're not too sure where or how exactly you fit in, but we like having you around, and, hey, somebody has to do the odd jobs, and we think you're just the man." *** Alas, I am not lucky enough to have a job that I'm in love with. My career is not my life. Sometimes I think that I'm just a tiny cog in a ridiculously enormous machine - but there are also moments when keeping that cog turning seems to make a (slight) difference. I have good days and other days. Sometimes the other days get ugly. But, I always try to do the right things at work, for recognition perhaps, or perhaps simply to prove that I am really not incompetent at my job. I can do it well, and I do it the best of my capabilities. And if that means that I hit brick walls then so be it - I just have to get help when I hit one. I have learnt through bitter experience, that when I hit a wall, they will almost always out-stare me. So that's when I get a ladder, or maybe a sledge hammer. Knots (Dedicated to Mistress Alexis) I am naked, assume the position. I know it well. She grabs her rope. Around it goes. Through my arms and around again, knotted then back. " Keep still, please." and through again, and back around, again and again, and tied off in a love knot. She double-checks the bondage. Finally she is satisfied with my helplessness. Then she leaves me alone. I struggle a little. It is hopeless. I am helpless, totally! I move around a little, trying to become comfortable. The ropes bite in. Time passes, Hands become numb. The clock ticks on. I lose track of time, it goes so slowly, how much longer will she make me wait ? More time passes. Eventually she comes back. Soon I will have freedom, but not before we have played some more. Oh, the agony. Oh, the ecstasy. I truly love it. I can't wait for my freedom, then to do it all again. "He's fallen in the water!" Ying tong tiddle high poe and other shades of Goonism drifting in and out of the corners of my mind reminiscing about those hazy radio days crazy voices reverberating around the room antics of Milligan and co. amazing, surprising, entertaining, delighting, always echoing Voices again. Been there, done that... I can still vividly remember the last time that I was "hearing voices" (to use a worn out metaphor). It was less that a week ago. I had been there a thousand times before. Yes, I am on medication. Yes, I do take it regularly. But this was only a short lived episode. It was a Saturday, and I hadn't gotten dressed all day, but instead I had been napping off and on all day. I had also done my weeks washing and had it drying on a clothes horse in the lounge room (as is normal, being winter). It was early evening and I wanted to go to sleep. Slumber was a blissful escape, or perhaps only sometimes. Anyway, I couldn't get any sleep, and my mind was racing. "Everyone's going to find out all about those secrets. Everyone will know the worst things that I can imagine. They will know all about me and everything that I imagined people saying will be true now." They keep on going around in my head. They're crap, and I know it. They're just voices, I tell myself, but why won't they go away ? A short time passed. More voices, different voices, "You know what to do, Mother always says so. What should I do now ? I don't know! But you know what to do, don't you ?" The vicious circle kept going `round. *** Time to get up from bed and ring Mum, after all she knows what to do. Scattered and shaking, I do this. I go to the phone, sit down, and phone ever-reliable Mum. She is my tower of strength. It's an STD call but I don't care. She tells me to ring the Crisis Team (aka the Mental Health Triage) but I can only fumble with my electronic organizer. I know exactly how it works, inside and out, but I could not operate it to save myself. I get a pen and Mum tells me the phone number of the crisis team and I write it down. She tells me that she can be on the next bus if I need her to be with me. I tell her "no thanks, I think I'll be OK". I hang up the phone and call the Crisis Team. I speak to a lady who knows me, although I cannot recall her. She talks me through it and tells me to watch a bit of TV or listen to some music and to occupy myself until later in the night. My mini-crisis passes as I follow this advice throughout the night. Was it because I did all of the "right things" or was it simply that my "medication" was taking effect ? *** The above episode was only a small tremor, but it still scared me a bit. I guess that I took it better than I otherwise might have because I have been there before and done it all before. But that doesn't make it any less scary at the time. It's only with the benefit of hindsight that I can see that I could cope with it. An Abecedarian Story Aardvarks' abacuses abate academia accordingly as Beavers breech bridges built by Cats claws cleverly constructing, Dogs deeply dig ditches downward Eels electrify electrons, elevating engineered entrapments Fish flatulate food foully Gazelles glide gracefully Hawks hedonistically hold holidays Ibexes idealistically indulge inexpensive infidelities Jackanapes jam jazz, jealous Jehovahs judge Kangaroos' karma kills kindergartens Labradors lament lost love Macaws mainly manipulate manure Nags napalm nasty necrophiles Ocelots often open operas Panthers persistently piss Quails quantify quarrels queerly Rats relegate responsibilities Salmon seldom sing songs Tadpoles tastelessly tell tempting testaments Unicorns unknowingly, unwittingly upbeat urgent urinal usage Venison vent verbal volcanic volleys Wallabies want wellingtons with wings X-Dodos. x-tinct. Yaks yell yesterday's Yiddish yoo-hoos Zebras zip zodiac zones. Hollywood Romantiks I long to be loved, just like in the movies. It's all so easy for the love-struck stars They met They didn't get along then slowly... they fell in love It's so easy for them, they just fall in love easy as pie They say, " It's not fair, It's so easy for them. Why doesn't it happen to me ?" It doesn't happen to me either! Life is not a fairy tale. And yet love will happen. Of that I'm sure. Are we there yet ? Here we go... on a fantastic journey of self discovery. He told me: " Just grab a pen and write whatever you feel. Let it flow. It's best when you don't premeditate your writing." I should: edit my writing, not my ideas ! I should: take my own advice. But, I think, that's easier said than done. Don't I always try to think of what I'm going to say next, before I commit it to paper ? But then I think, " What is good writing anyway ? How will I know when I'm there ?" "Are we there yet ?" It didn't really happen You went down the street just an ordinary day you saw a young girl innocent and sweet talking to her dad about everyday stuff their freezer needed defrosting happens everyday did you really tell her or did you just dream it how to make a little... tiny... flame thrower ??? of course you didn't !!! you're not that stupid, and even if you did you weren't serious. she'd know that. you'd never even tried to make one yourself but you'd heard it somewhere... that you can make one from an aerosol can and a flame and she could even reach that freezer if she just stands on a chair *** try telling her parents try telling her you weren't serious you didn't even know if it would work try living with the memory of that scared little face all covered with bandages never the same again *** but don't worry it was just a dream it didn't really happen at all, did it ? just keep telling yourself it was all just a bad, bad dream. Lovely Passenger Here I sit, on my bus, seated behind a vision divine. She is young and beautiful. But mostly she is a nubile, young thing. She looks a little tired, but young at heart. She sneezes. Will I say " Bless you" ? Perhaps not. Oh, I pine for the days when she may have been mine. She is truly a vision of loveliness, divine. Lust This morning, on my bus, travelling to work, I passed a woman sitting in her car. She was very attractive, I recall from my two second glance. lovely face, and such nice, long, black hair. and did I crave for her ? lust for her ? have rampant, wanton, lustful desires for her ? beg for mad, passionate, non-stop sex ? why, no. You do believe me, don't you ? Looking Good She has: Terrific tits, Beautiful boobs, Loverly lungs, Magnificent mammaries, Nice nipples, and a cute arse! Circular Poem Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, ROW DEAR, ROW DEAR, ROW, ROW, ROW, ROW, STROKE, STROKE, STROKE, oooh, stroke, stroke, stroke, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. From Attitude to Gratitude No longer do I have the sheer luxury of a do nothing, be nobody, go nowhere job. It's good to have some real work to do. But now, of course, I have to work with crappy computers and a card file system that have stood still in time. As the world evolved and got ready for the next millenium, we are stuck here in a 70s time warp with nothing but dusty old shelves and compactii and junk that belongs in a museum to work with. And still, to get results with antique systems can give me a feeling of self worth. I do indeed lead a lucky life. After all, I have a job (with good conditions and people too). I keep my job, and try my darndest to do a good and honest job. Because that is what makes life worth living. Good friends, family, co-workers, and the satisfaction of knowing that I will live to enjoy life another day. Perhaps Do I believe in God ? That depends on what you mean by God. Do I believe in life after death ? That depends how you define life, how you define existence. Do I have a soul ? I don't know how you define a soul, but I suspect that I do. I believe that there is something to look forward to after death. I believe that in some way, in some "place" the souls of "good men" end up and exist together. I don't know what or where it is, But I'm looking forward to it - one day, one eternity - perhaps. Remembered Turf I've got the password and I'm into the system. It's precipitating wet stuff out of the sky, but I'm warm and dry in here. And tiM was blown away by his wet suit, the other day at the coast... And now I'm just listening to some jazzy kind of music, playing on the stereo, as we remember the amazing turf sculptures in Civic, in some abandoned bank office building, now reclaimed as art space for the common man. One Tuesday in February It's a beautiful day to be alive! I have just stepped outside the building on my lunch break with a can of Coca-Cola and now I can quietly relax and enjoy sitting on a bench in the sunshine and sit and quietly sip on my drink. The quietness is interrupted by a helicopter flying overhead for a moment. A few more sips and the caffeine and chemical cocktail begins to work, to give me a "rush" - or perhaps just a nudge. One quick ten minute walk around the buildings and I'm half way back to my building. I'm a little puffed but feeling good. Better start heading back to my office soon. One Wednesday in March I walk outside into the glorious day. The sun shines brightly, another lunch time, another can of coke. Sweet as honey. Sickly sweet. I find time to sit in the shade, enjoy the beautiful day and sip the sweet nectar. Such a change from the stuffy offices - air conditioned and closed and controlled climate. My Brother. Oh brother... I have a brother who thinks that he understands all about my condition. But, deep down I think that he thinks that my condition is all caused by a combination of: low self-esteem, not thinking positively, bad diet, and a guilty conscience (presumably about either not working hard enough, seeing prostitutes, or forgetting birthdays, or some crap like that). He has lots of good intentions but basically he can't come to terms with the fact that I earn a good salary (not unlike him) but I spend all my money (basically on myself) with not much to show for it, and he has a wife and four kids to support. If I mention on the phone that I have to go down the street to buy a few groceries, then he will gladly spend half an hour telling me about his favourite recipe, and what ingredients to buy to make it (and how good it will be for me) - even though I tell him that I could not be less interested in his recipe. Oh brother! Religion, sex, etc. I have some ... shall I say unconventional views on religion. I was touched by a Christian "anecdote", for lack of a better thing to call it, where, the story goes that a man talks to god and says (basically) "throughout my life I have been walking along a beach, and I saw two sets of footprints, yours and mine. But in the worst times of my life I only saw one set of footprints. Why did you abandon me God ?" And God replies " At those times, I had not abandoned you, I was carrying you! You see I never abandoned you, I was always there for you." That story always gets me right there. *** But basically I don't call myself a Christian. I don't know if I believe in God, but I believe that there must be something after death. I believe that the souls of good people end up in some kind of eternity, I would not exactly describe it as heaven, in the Christian definition. *** I believe that the Bible lays out some very good ideals of how to live and how people should live by being "nice" to each other and so on, but ultimately, I guess I just don't buy all of that fire and brimstone stuff, and miracles left, right and centre. I even found out a little bit about Buddhism, and liked some of the stuff I found out, until I found out that they have, shall we say, very strict views on sexually and what is sexually "proper" (for the lack of another word). *** My sex life is what I call normal, if only slightly kinky. I have a friend who I have an arrangement to see when the want arises. She is a prostitute and one of my best friends. She keeps telling me that I am very special to her. We are not exactly straight-laced (neither of us), but we know what we are doing and we are both consenting adults and that's really all that needs to be said. *** In the past I have been betrayed by people, workmates, who I once trusted - all in the name of playing a practical joke, to humiliate and embarrass me about my private life. I don't like what they did to me, but I don't despise them for it either. (I don't have the time or energy to hate people). I think that their actions only go to prove just how shallow they really are. I don't work with these people any more (because they have moved on to other jobs). Pokies Here I am again in the club. Came for lunch, stayed for a beer, and to play the one-armed bandits. The victory jingles of many machines are deafening, but they are not playing for me. So many times, one off that big prize. Better to stop now than later. Therefore That is a poem it is a lyric verse all lyric verses are poetry, therefore all poetry is lyric verse. That is green it is a blade of grass all grass is green, therefore all things green are grass. Bill of Rights Cut-up (last 3) establishment of religion, freedom of speech, peaceably to assemble, redress of grievances. a free State, not be infringed. in any house, time of war, prescribed by law. persons, houses, papers, not be violated, supported by oath to be searched, to be seized. otherwise infamous crime, in cases arising in actual service be subject for life or limb; witness against himself, process of law; without just compensation. right to a State and district district shall have of the nature witnesses against him; in his favor, for his defense. controversy shall exceed shall be preserved, in any court the common law. excessive fines imposed, unusual punishments inflicted. of certain rights, by the people. by the Constitution, the States respectively, to the people. Forked! Thoust spake lies. Lies, lies and more damn lies. Thoust tongue is forked. Just `orrible This is an `oribble poem about `orrible Ed & `orrible Sid. Now `orrible Ed had an `orrible `ead, but `orrible Sid had an `orrible kid. And that's enough of this `orrible poem! What is love ? #1 Love is: walking through the park holding hands, kissing, cuddling, hugging, great sex. No that's just a fantasy. But it's a great fantasy of mine, and one that doesn't impose any stereotypes on anyone. So I'll hang onto it. We would like to suggest that you try reading this poem backwards, line by line. What is love ? #2 "Love is a many splendid thing." that's what someone said, but don't ask me who. Love is different things for different people, but for me, love is about being there for someone special, and about them being there for me too. I love my Mum & Dad, and yes, my brother too, and all his family, and all my other relatives, all my close friends, and the other ones too, who I only see now and then, I love Annie on 2XX, who I've never even met, who just talks away to me on the radio, happy as can be, brightening up my morning. I love: rock stars, pop stars, movie stars, and lots of people who I will never even know, except through their publicity machines, yet if you asked me, I'd say, " Sure, I love: Shania, Alanis, Pamela, and Kim Hope too" and so many more, whose names escape me, leaving me with only fleeting images, from movies, TV, and magazines. I love happy people, and struggling souls, and down-and-outs, and just about everyone! I love beautiful people, and the rest too, because beauty isn't about size or shape, it's about what's inside, and what you think and do. But I don't have someone special in my life. A lover, to love, and be loved by, passionately, sexually, sensually! so instead I dream on, just loving life itself. And yes, I go on loving those girls from bordellos too, just occasionally. Hey, I'm only human, and I need loving too. Or is that just sex & lust ? I need loving, I need love, I love loving, but don't ask me what love is. About the Poet Peter Eric Williams was born on 1st of November, 1961, in Adelaide, South Australia, and grew up in places which include: Adelaide, Berri, Sydney, Oro Bay (Papua), Sydney (again), Canberra, Penang Island (Malaysia); before then returning with his family to Canberra, where he finished primary school, then High School and College, living in Lyneham. He then got a job with the Department of Defence, as a Trainee Draftsman, just before turning 20, where he continues to work to date (currently 1999), as a Technical Officer. He has only recently taken up writing poetry. When he enrolled in a poetry workshop last year, with the ACT Writers' Centre, he needed to bring a sample of his own poetry to the workshop, and he didn't have any, so he wrote the poem which became "Nuts" (in a shortened form) in the evening before the workshop. It was warmly received in the workshop, and thus the germ of his poetry writing was planted and grew. He continues to share his poetry with fellow poets at the Closet Poets, who meet twice a month at the ACT Writers' Centre, and also occassionally performs his work on radio 2XX. Peter was diagnosed as a Schizophrenic approximately 15 years ago, and now leads a relatively "normal" life, with his full-time job, and on continual anti-psychotic medication. He lives in a rented, two bedroom flat in the Canberra suburb of Hawker, where in his spare time he uses his personal computer for the internet, programming and of course, writing poetry and publishing it on his own personal web page. A large section of Peter's poetry appears on his personal home page ( http://members.fortunecity.com/pew ). Some of Peter's poetry currently appears on internet web site "The Australian BDSM Information Site" ( http://www.ozabis.info/stories_poetry.html ), in the "short stories and poetry" section. Peter said, "I hope that this poetry will: amuse, bemuse, entice, entertain, delight, shock, inform, educate and inspire the readers of these pages." Read this book and you will discover some of the quirky corners of his mind, about what turns him on, turns him off, and what turns him a little crazy... *** End of this LibraryBlog Digital Book "Dreaming of Dreaming - Poetry by Peter E. Williams" *** Copyright 2023 LibraryBlog. All rights reserved.