Title: The Levellers - A Dialogue Between Two Young Ladies, Concerning Matrimony, Proposing an Act for Enforcing Marriage, for the Equality of Matches, and Taxing Single Persons
Author: Anonymous
Language: English
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Transcriber's note:

      Text enclosed by underscores is in italics (_italics_).



An Augustan Reprint

AN EXTRACT OF

THE HARLEIAN MISCELLANY


Found in the late
EARL of _OXFORD_'s LIBRARY.


The Levellers Movement

AUTHOR: ANONYMOUS

PUBLISHED IN 1745


The Levellers: A Dialogue between two young Ladies, concerning
Matrimony, proposing an Act for Enforcing Marriage, for the
Equality of Matches, and Taxing single Persons. With the Danger
of Celibacy to a Nation. Dedicated to a Member of Parliament.
_London,_ Printed and Sold by _J. How_, at the _Seven Stars_
in _Talbot-Court_, in _Grace-church-street_, 1703. _Quarto_,
containing thirty-two Pages.


An Epistle to a Member of Parliament.

     Honoured Sir,

     _Our Fore-fathers, if not now in Being, have passed an Act,
     prohibiting the Importation of Foreign, and for the Encouragement
     of the Breed of English Cattle, which, I am told, has much raised
     the Price of Land in_ England. _With Submission to your better
     Judgment, I think, An Act, for Increasing the Breed of_ Englishmen,
     _would be far more advantageous to the Realm. Some say, That our
     Ships are the Walls of our Island; but I say, Our Men are the
     Walls, the Bulwarks, and Fortresses of our Country. You can have no
     Navies, nor Armies, without Men; and, like prudent Farmers, we
     ought always to keep our Land well stocked._ England _never
     prospered by the Importation of Foreigners, nor have we any Need of
     them, when we can raise a Breed of our own_.

     _What you have here presented, is a Discourse of two young Ladies,
     who, you find, are very willing to comply with such an Act, and are
     ready to go to Work for the Good of their Country, as soon as they
     shall have a legal Authority; of which, if you are the happy
     Instrument, you will have the Blessing of ten-thousand Damsels, and
     the Thanks of_

                                                  Your humble Servant,

                                                           _POLITICA._



_Politica_ and _Sophia_, two young Ladies of great Beauty and Wit,
having taken Lodgings together, this Summer, in the Country, diverted
themselves in the Evenings by walking to a certain Shadow, which they
might justly call their own, being frequented by none but themselves and
the harmonious Society of the Wood. Here they consumed the happy
Minutes, not in idle Chat peculiar to the Ladies of the Court and City;
they did not dispute the Manner of Dressing, the Beauties and Foil of
the Commode and Top-knot, nor the Laws and Administration of the
Attiring-room. They talked of nobler Subjects, of the Beauty and
wonderful Creation of Almighty God, and of the Nature of Man, the Lord
of the Universe, and of the whole Dominions of Nature. Pity it is we
cannot procure all that these Ladies have so privately, as they thought,
discoursed; but we are very happy in having what follows, which came to
our Knowledge by a mere Accident. A Gentleman, lodging in the
Neighbourhood, one Evening, taking a Walk for his Recreation, haply laid
himself down behind a Hedge, near the very Shadow frequented by these
Ladies; he had not lain long, before these Angels appeared at a
Distance, and he, peeping through the Boughs (which served as a
Telescope to bring the divine Objects nearer his View) was extremely
ravished with their Beauty; but, alas! What was the Beauty of their
Faces to that of their Minds, discovered to this happy Man by the soft
and charming Eloquence of their Tongues? And no Man in the World was
better qualified to give an Account of this noble Dialogue, than this
Person, he being an accurate Short-hand Writer, and had been Pupil to
Mr. _Blainey_ in that Science, and very happily had, at that Time, Pen,
Ink, and Paper about him; he heard with Amazement their Discourse on
common Affairs, but, when the charming _Sophia_ had fixed on a Subject,
he began to write as follows:

_Sophia._ My dear Sister, How happy are we in this blessed Retirement,
free from the Hurry of the noisy Town! Here we can contemplate on the
Wonders of Nature, and on the Wisdom of the great Founder of the
Universe. Do you see how the Leaves of this Thicket are grown, since we
first retired to its Shadow? It now affords us a sufficient Shelter
from the Heat of the Sun, from Storms, and Rain; see yonder Shrub, what
Abundance of Cyons sprout from its Root? See yonder Ewes, with their
pretty Lambs skipping and dancing by their Sides. How careful is Nature
to propagate every Part of the Handywork of the Almighty! But you and I,
my _Politica_, are useless Creatures, not answering the End of our
Creation in the Propagation of our Species, for which, next the Service
of our Creator, we came into the World. This is our Sin, and we ought to
be Transgressors no longer.

_Politica._ Every Creature desires to propagate its Species, and Nature
dictates to every Part of the Creation the Manner of doing it. The brute
Beasts are subservient to this Law, and wholly answer the End of their
Creation: Now there is the same Desire in Mankind; but we, who are
endowed with noble Faculties, and who have Countenances erected to
behold the Wonders of God in the Firmament of Heaven, look so far into
the Earth, that we sink beneath the Dignity of Beasts. In being averse
to Generation, we offer Violence to the Laws of God and Nature imprinted
on our Minds. What _she_ can say, that Nature does not prompt her to the
Propagation of her Species? Which, indeed, is one Argument of the
Immortality of the Soul; for the rational Faculties concur with the
Dictates of Nature in this Point. We are, as it were, immortal upon
Earth, in our surviving Children. It is a Sort of Hyperbole, but it is
as near Truth as possibly can be. We are all of us desirous of Life;
and, since, being mortal, we cannot for ever inhabit this glorious
World, we are willing to leave our Children in Possession.

I cannot agree with you, Madam, that it is our Fault we do not propagate
our Species, at least, I am sure, it is none of mine; I am young, and
healthy, and beautiful enough, and Nature daily tells me what Work I
ought to do; the Laws of God circumscribe the Doing of it; and yet,
notwithstanding my Conformity to both, you know, my Circumstances will
not admit of Marriage.

_Sophia._ The Impulse of Nature in me, in that Respect, is as great as
it can be in you, but still under the Regulations of the strictest Rules
of Virtue. The End of our Creation might be better answered, were not
the matrimonial Knot to be tied only by the Purse-string. I can say, I
am young and beautiful, and that without any Vanity. This Mr. _H----_
knows well enough; he loves me intirely, and, I am sure, had rather live
all his Life-time with me in a Garret, on the Scrag-end of a Neck of
Mutton, than with the Lady his Father proposes; but the old Curmudgeon
will not let his Son have the least Thoughts of me, because the Muck, my
Father has left me, will not fill so many Dung-carts, as he can fill for
his Son: It is even true, what the Parson said, 'Matrimony is become a
Matter of Money.' This is the Reason, that you and I stick on Hand so
long, as the Tradesmen at _London_ say, when they cannot put off their
Daughters.

_Politica._ Matrimony is, indeed, become a mere Trade; they carry their
Daughters to _Smithfield_, as they do Horses, and sell to the highest
Bidder. Formerly, I have heard, nothing went current in the Matrimonial
Territories, but Birth and Blood; but, alas! this was in the antiquated
Times, when Virtue and Honour were a Commodity in _England_, and when the
Nobility and Gentry were in Possession of large Estates, and were
content to live upon them, and keep Courts of their own in the Country;
but, since they abandoned the State and Grandeur of their Fore-fathers,
and became Courtiers, and extravagantly wasted their Substance in
polluted Amours in the City, they have no Way to repair the Cracks in
the Estates, but by Marrying of Fortunes; and, if the Woman be a
Fortune, it is no Matter how she is descended; Gold is the Quarry they
fly at. I remember some old Verses to this Purpose:

    'Gold Marriages makes, 'tis the Center of Love;
    'It sets up the Man, and it helps up the Woman:
    'By the Golden Rule all Mortals do move,
    'For Gold makes Lords bow to the Brat of a Broom-man.'

These Verses are older than either you, or I, and yet they are true in
our Time.

_Sophia._ Aye, Madam, too true, I find it so; but, methinks, it is a
mere Way of selling Children for Money, when, poor Creatures, they often
purchase what will be a Plague to them all their Life-time, a cursed
ill-natured Shrew, or a beastly, ill-conditioned Husband. Let me live a
Maid to the last Minute of my Life, rather than thus to lose my Content,
my Peace of Mind, and domestick Quiet, and all this for the
inconsiderable Trifle of a large Bag of Money for my Portion. Let the
old Curmudgeons keep the Golden Coxcombs, their Sons, for the best
Market. Heaven send me a Spouse, that has Sense enough to despise a
Bargain in Petticoats with Abundance of Money and no Brains! Methinks, a
_Smithfield_ Match is so very ridiculous, that it might nauseate a
half-witted Courtier. How ridiculous is it for an old Miser to shew the
Portion first, and his Daughter afterwards! And, when both Parties are
agreed upon the Price, then Miss goes off, coarse or handsome, good or
ill-natured, it is no Matter. I fancy, an old Miser, exposing his
Daughter to Sale, looks like a Country Farmer selling his white-faced
Calf in the Market, or like a Grasier enhancing the Price of a ragged,
scrubby Ox, from the Consideration of Abundance of Tallow he will turn
out. Even just such a Thing is a _Smithfield_ Match; and, as soon as the
Miser has struck the Bargain for his Daughter, away he goes to the
Parson's Toll-book, and there is an End of the Matter.

_Politica._ It is even so; but it is a cursed wicked Way of Wedding; it
is perfect Kidnapping Children into the Marriage Plantations. This
Practice is contrary to the Laws of Nature and God. Those pretty Birds,
you now hear singing over our Heads, last _Valentine_'s Day, chose every
one his Mate, without the Direction, or Approbation of their Parents.
The Scripture says (I think it is in the Sixth of _Genesis_, and the
second Verse) That _the Sons of God saw the Daughters of Men, that they
were fair; and they took them Wives of all which they chose_. Do but
mind this Text of Scripture, it is very much to our Purpose; it is not
there said, That the Sons of God saw the Daughters of Men, that they had
Abundance of _Money_, but they were _fair_, _i. e._ they were such as
were beautiful and lovely. This was the Attractive of Courtship. It is
not here said, that the old Misers, as now, carried their Sons and
Daughters to _Marriage-Fair_, and swopped one for the other, with so
much Money and the Vantage; but here the Sons are left to chuse
themselves Wives, and they chose such as were fair, even just such as
my beautiful _Sophia_. And let me make this farther Remark, That, for
Chusing such Wives, they are called _the Sons of God_: Hence it
naturally follows, That whosoever do chuse Wives after any other Manner
are the Sons of the Devil; and thus the young sold Couple are the Son
and Daughter of the Devil, and the old Miser, that sold them, is the
Devil's Brother-in-law, and so they are matched into a very fine Family.

_Sophia._ Truly, Sister, I am apt to think, God Almighty has nothing to
do with such Matches, though we have a common Proverb in _England_,
'That Matches are made in Heaven;' I can truly say, as the Country Wench
did, 'They are a long Time in coming down.' I have waited for one a
great While to no Purpose; my Money will not grow to the Height of a
Husband, though I water it with Tears, and air it with Sighs; but,
prithee, Sister, let us contrive some Way or other how to remove this
great Evil, this Grievance of Celibacy, under which the Nation groaneth.
I can take it to be nothing less than a National Judgment, when our Men,
the Strength of our Kingdom, are daily consumed and wasted away by the
Wars, and there is no Care taken of a Supply. Our Ships and Armies, in a
short Time, will want Soldiers; but this is none of our Fault; you and I
would endeavour at a Race of Heroes for the Service of our Country, if
we could come honestly at the Instruments which make them.

_Politica._ It is very true; but the Remedy: In the first Place, Sister,
let us consider the Causes of the Evil, and then the Remedy. Begin,
Madam, let me hear your Opinion of the Cause of this Evil.

_Sophia._ None fitter than your judicious Self to lead the Way in this
Argument: But, however, Madam, I will obey your Command; and I think it
is Want of Virtue both in young Men and Women, that is the chief Cause
of this destructive Evil.

Out of Civility to the Man, I will begin first with our own Sex. I am
ashamed, and blush to speak it, how many lewd Creatures there are of our
Sex both in the Town and Country; were there not so many Whores, there
would be more Wives. The vicious Sort of Men are by them kept from
marrying; for it is mere Virtue must confine a Man to a married State,
where he has an uninterrupted Converse with Womankind as seldom and as
often as he pleases, without Confinement to any particular Person or
Temper. This made a Nobleman say, that _Two Things could never be wanted
in_ London, _a Wife and a Watch; because one may have a Whore, and see
what it is a Clock, at the End of every Street_.

The numerous Company of Strumpets and Harlots, in _London_, makes the
lewd Sort of Men out of Love with Matrimony. Nay, I have heard them say,
_There is no Woman honest after the Age of Fifteen_. I know they are
Lyars; but, I am sorry to say it, they have too much Reason to be out of
Love with our Sex. Sometimes I myself am almost of their Opinion,
especially when I consider how shamefully some lewd Women prostitute
themselves to every rascally Porter and Boy: And I think it more
abominable in the Women than the Men, for Nature has given us more
Modesty; and, did not the Whores ply in the Streets, the Leacher could
never stumble over them.

The Men, they are grown full as effeminate as the Women; we are rivalled
by them even in the Fooleries peculiar to our Sex: They dress like
Anticks and Stage-Players, and are as ridiculous as Monkies: They sit in
monstrous long Perukies, like so many Owls in Ivy-Bushes; and esteem
themselves more upon the Reputation of being a Beau, than on the
substantial Qualifications of Honour, Courage, Learning, and Judgment.
If you heard them talk, you would think yourself at a Gossipping at
_Dover_, or that you heard the learned Confabulation of the Boys in the
Piazza's of _Christ's-Hospital_. Did you ever see a Creature more
ridiculous than that Stake of Humane Nature which dined the other Day at
our House, with his great long Wig to cover his Head and Face, which was
no bigger than an _Hackney-Turnep_, and much of the same Form and Shape?
Bless me how it looked! just like a great Platter of _French_ Soup with
a little Bit of Flesh in the Middle. Did you mark the beau Tiff of his
Wig, what a deal of Pains he took to toss it back, when the very Weight
thereof was like to draw him from his Seat? Did you not take Notice how
he replenished his Snout with Snuff, and what Pains he took to let us
know that it was _Vigo_? Did you not wonder at his learned Discourse of
the Womens Accoutrements, from the Top-knot to the Laced Shoe; and what
Lectures he read on the Fan, Masque, and Gloves? He understood Ribbons
and Silk as well as a Milliner and Mercer, and was a perfect Chymist in
Beauty Washes and Essences: In short, Madam, did you ever see a more
accomplished Coxcomb in all your Life?

Now, my Dear, though I must acknowledge our Sex to be extraordinary
vicious, we will not knock under-board to the Men; we have yet more
Virtue left among us than they can match: For though, to our great
Shame, we are degenerated in one Respect, to our Commendation we are
improved in another: We never had, in any Age, Women of better Parts, of
greater Virtue, and more Knowledge. Learning and Wit seem to have
forsaken the Masculine Dominions, and to have taken up their Abode in
the Feminine Territories: And, indeed, the Men are so wickedly
degenerated, that Learning, Virtue, Courage, and Conduct seem to be
unnecessary Accomplishments; for they signify nothing as to their
Preferment, but they make their Fortunes as they make their Wives, by
Money. And truly, Madam, we have no great Occasion to boast that we have
supplanted the Men of their Virtue, for we have got that from them which
did them no Service, and which we must conceal, or else be laughed at
for Shewing it. However, Madam, let us admire Virtue, which gives that
inward Contentment, which all the Riches of the World cannot purchase.

_Politica._ I think, my dear _Sophia_, the Parents are as much the Cause
of Celibacy as the Children, by breeding them above their Quality and
Estates. I give myself for an Example. You know my Father was a
Tradesman, and lived very well by his Traffick; and, I being beautiful,
he thought Nature had already given me Part of my Portion, and therefore
he would add a liberal Education, that I might be a compleat
Gentlewoman; away he sent me to the Boarding-School, there I learned to
dance and sing, to play on the Bass-Viol, Virginals, Spinnet and
Guitair. I learned to make Wax-work, Japan, paint upon Glass, to raise
Paste, make Sweet-meats, Sauces, and every thing that was genteel and
fashionable. My Father died, and left me accomplished, as you find me,
with three-hundred Pounds Portion; and, with all this, I am not able to
buy an Husband. A Man, that has an Estate answerable to my Breeding,
wants a Portion answerable to his Estate; an honest Tradesman, that
wants a Portion of three-hundred Pounds, has more Occasion of a Wife
that understands Cookery and Housewifery, than one that understands
Dancing, and Singing, and Making of Sweet-meats. The Portion, which
Nature gave me, proves now my Detriment; my Beauty is an Obstacle to my
Marriage; an honest Shop-keeper cannot keep a Wife to look upon.
'Beauty,' say they, is like a Tavern Bush, 'it is hung out in the Face to
shew what Commodity is to be sold;' it is but like an Honey-pot, which
will fill a House with Bees and Wasps; and the poor Tradesman, that has
such a Wife, will dream of nothing but Horns, as long as he has her; so
that, Madam, I conclude, our Parents are great Causes of this Evil, in
educating their Children beyond their Estates.

_Sophia._ But how would you order the Matter with one in my
Circumstances? My Father, when I was born, was a Gentleman of a
plentiful Estate, and gave me Education according to the Portion he
designed me; but he, being a true _Englishman_, joined with the Duke of
_Monmouth_ in the Recovery of our Rights, which, he then thought, were
in Danger; and, in that Enterprise, he lost his Life and Estate, and so
I lost my Portion, and have nothing to subsist on, but the Charity of my
good Aunt. I can marry nothing but a Gentleman, and very few, if any of
them, are inclined to marry the poor Remains of an honourable and
virtuous Family: What can I do?

_Politica._ Truly, my Dear, our Cases are both desperate; we cannot
_come up_ to good Estates, and Gentlemen of good Estates will not _come
down_ to us. I have often wondered, that there are no compulsive Laws
inforcing Matrimony, but that, instead thereof, there are Laws
discouraging of Marriage, as is the Act for Births and Burials,
especially to the poorer Sort of People, who are generally the greatest
Breeders; for, by this Act, when there is a certain Charge to a Family,
there is a certain Duty to the Queen. Now, if there was a Law inforcing
of Matrimony, it would more effectually answer the End of her Majesty's
pious Proclamations for the Encouragement of Virtue, and for the
Suppressing of all Manner of Immorality and Profaneness. For such a Law
would put a Stop to Abundance of Whoring; it would make the Women
virtuous, on Purpose to get good Husbands, and the Men thrifty and
diligent in their Callings, in order to maintain their Families. The
Ruin both of Body, Soul, and Estate proceeds from this Omission in our
Laws. I am sure, a Law of this Nature would not only be acceptable in
the Sight of God, but it would be very advantageous to the Kingdom.

_Sophia._ I am very well satisfied in the Truth of what you say, but, at
the same Time, I do not think a Law compulsive of Marriage reasonable in
all Respects; there are a Sort of Monsters of Men, called
_Women-haters_; these Brutes would be destroyed by this Act. Nature also
has excluded, by its Deficiencies, some Men from the State of Matrimony;
others are of such monstrous ill Humours, that they can match no where,
but in the Nunnery of _Billingsgate_; therefore, Madam, if you get this
Act passed, it must contain many Provisos and Exceptions.

_Politica._ Not in the least; I would have it a genial compulsive Act,
after this Manner: Every Batchelor, at the Age of twenty-four Years,
should pay such a Tax to the Queen; suppose it twenty Shillings _per
Annum_ for the meanest Rank of Men, and what the Parliament thinks fit
for those of higher Degree. Every Widower, which has been so upwards of
one Year, and is under the Age of fifty Years, to pay the same Sum: Now,
according to Computation, we have seven Millions of Men in _England_,
and, suppose two Millions of the seven be Batchelors and Widowers,
qualified as before, according to their several Ranks and Qualities
taxed by Act of Parliament, they will pay into the Queen's _Exchequer_,
yearly, the Sum of two Millions five-hundred thousand Pounds Sterling,
which will be almost enough to defray the Charge of the War by Land and
Sea.

The Reasonabless of the Act is plain, for that unmarried People are, as
it were, useless to the State; they are, like Drones in a Hive, reaping
the Advantage of other People's Labours; they have their Liberties and
Freedoms secured by the Loss of other Men's Lives, and do not, from
their own Loins, repair the native Strength of the Kingdom; they are not
so good as the Spider, which hangs in the Loom drawn from her own
Bowels: On the other Hand, it is reasonable to ease such in Taxes, as
have numerous Families to the Advantage of the Commonwealth; for these
are at daily Charge in Breeding up their Issue for the Defence and
Safety of the Kingdom.

_Sophia._ Your Notions are very good and proper; but how will you be
able to put them into Practice? I hope you will not solicit this Bill
yourself at the House of Commons; you ought to have some Way or other to
communicate it to some particular Member, that he may bring it in, as
his own, and get a good Reward for his Pains from the Court. Do not you
remember, Mrs. _Murray_ told us, the other Day, how her Husband was
served about his Project of _Exchequer_ Bills? They got it to
themselves, and did not give the honest Gentleman one Groat for his
Invention. Now, Madam, if you could make yourself a Portion by their
Making an Act, you would do very well, you would serve yourself and your
Country; but, if this Act passeth, I do not find, that you and I shall
be the better for it, for the Men are still left to the Liberty of
Chusing, and they will chuse for the best Portions; we are no nearer the
Marriage-bed than before. Pray think of some compulsive Act, that may
inforce them to marry me and you.

_Politica._ It will be very difficult to get a particular Clause in our
Favour, it will cost us, at least, our Maidenheads; and then, you know,
we need not much trouble our Heads about Matrimony, we need not shut the
Stable-door when the Steed is stolen. Pray, Madam, let me hear how you
would have it for your own Advantage? It is now your Turn to propose.

_Sophia._ Nature has made all Things on a Level: Our first Father made
no Jointure in Marriage, nor had our first Mother any Portion. _Adam_
was Lord, and _Eve_ was Mistress of the Universe; and we ought to tread
in the Steps of our Lady Mother, and bring our Husband no more than what
Nature hath given us. Settlements and Portions never came into Custom,
till such Time as Murder and Rapine had entered the World, and Dowries
were first brought into Fashion by the Posterity of _Cain_. The hellish
Miser, which the other Day made so many Scruples about my Portion, Did
you not observe the Mark of _Cain_ in his Forehead? The Match-brokers
look just like the wandering _Jews_ in _England_, followed by the Curse
of God into all Countries where they come.

Now, it is an easy Matter for the Parliament of _England_ to bring
Marriages on the same Level, as was designed at first by Nature. I will
propose how: Suppose every Gentleman of one-thousand Pounds _per Annum_,
was obliged to marry Gentlewomen of such Quality and Portion with
ourselves, and, if he would not marry at all, his Estate should become
forfeited to the Use of the Publick.

_Politica._ That would be hard, to take away all a Man has in the World,
because he will not marry.

_Sophia._ We will then find a Medium: Suppose we build and endow them an
Alms-house with their own Money, where every one of them shall have a
convenient Apartment, with a Bed, and two Pair of Sheets, one Chair, one
Candlestick, a Chamber-pot, and Fire-Place, and some other cheap
Necessaries. We will allow them one Coat a Year, with a yellow Badge on
the Arm, as the Mark of a Batchelor; and every Ten of them shall have
one old Woman to wait upon them: They shall be chiefly fed with
Water-gruel, and Barley-broth; and, instead of Meat, they shall eat
Potatoes, _Jerusalem_ Artichokes, Turneps, Carrots, and Parsnips; for
you know they come into that Hospital, because they do not love Flesh.

_Politica._ Oh! fye Madam, fye upon you! that would use brisk young
Gentlemen at such a cruel Rate: This is downright Tyranny.

_Sophia._ I am sorry to see you so tender of those, who are so cruel to
our Sex: But here is no Cruelty at all in the Case; consider the Thing
rightly, Madam, and you will find it otherwise: We esteem it the highest
Charity to provide Alms-houses for the antient superannuated Poor, who
are past their Labour; now a Man that is not come to his Labour of
Generation, at twenty-five Years of Age, is certainly past it, and we
ought to reckon him as superannuated, and grown an old Boy, and not fit
to be trusted with what he has, as not knowing the Use and Benefit of
Riches.

What I say, in this Respect, is the common Practice of Mankind in Things
of another Nature: The Husbandman, if he has got a Tree in his Orchard,
that has grown a long Time, and has bore no Fruit, he cuts him down for
Fuel, and plants another in his Room: Why may we not do the same by the
human Batchelor Trees; especially, since they are grafted on so good
Stocks, and are so well watered and pruned? That is a very ill Sort of
Seed that will fructify in no Soil. It is the same Thing in Government;
a Batchelor is a useless Thing in the State, does but cumber the Ground,
and takes up the Room of a generous Plant, which would be of great
Advantage to the Commonwealth. I tell you, Madam, according to the Laws
of Nature and Reason, a Batchelor is a Minor, and ought to be under the
Government of the Parish in which he lives; for, though he be a
Housekeeper and for himself, as they call it, yet, having no Family, he
cannot be reckoned a good Commonwealth's-Man; and, if he is not a good
one, he is a bad one, which ought not to be suffered; nay, he is not a
perfect Man till such Time as he is married, for it is the Woman is the
Perfection of the Man.

_Politica._ Madam, I know you are endowed with true _English_
Principles, pray consider, whether the Law you mention be not
destructive of _Magna Charta_, since, without Cause or Offence, it
deprives a Man of his Property, and takes from him the Estate which
legally descended to him from his Ancestors.

_Sophia._ Madam, I find you hold me to hard Meat, I must give Reasons
for the Passing of my Bill: I argue thus, A Person who has broken, and
forfeited his Right to the _Magna Charta_ of Nature, ought to have no
Protection by the _Magna Charta_ of _Englishmen_: I prove my Proportion
thus, A Batchelor of Age, as such, has broken the Laws of Nature:
Increase and Multiply is the Command of Nature, and of the God thereof;
now, having broken the Laws of Nature, he ought not to have any
Protection from the Laws of _England_, because such, as have Protection
by those Laws, do contribute to the Support of those Laws, which an
adult Batchelor does not do according to the Constitution of _Magna
Charta_: Our Fore-fathers purchased the Liberties of _Magna Charta_, with
the Hazard of Life and Limb; they sealed that Writing with the Blood of
themselves and their Children, and, after the same Manner those
Privileges were procured, must they be supported and maintained; now a
Batchelor contributes little or nothing to the Support of our Freedoms;
the Money he pays in Taxes is inconsiderable to the Supplies given by
others in Children, which are an Addition to the native Strength of the
Kingdom: Money is like the soft and easy Showers, which only cool and
moisten the Surface of the Earth; Children are like the soaking Rain
which goes to the Root, and makes Trees and Vegetables fructify for the
Use of Man: Indeed, my Dear, a Batchelor can, in no Sense, be esteemed a
good _Englishman_.

From the Reasons aforesaid, I cannot think the Batchelors are injured by
my Bill. Acts of Parliament ought not to respect private Interests; they
are made for the Good of the Community, for the Advantage of the whole
People of _England_, and you shall seldom find any Act passed, but what
is to the Detriment of some particular Persons: We thought it no
Injustice to prohibit the Importation of _East-India_ Silks,
notwithstanding the Detriment thereby accrued to that Company; and
perhaps put all the Ladies in Court and City into the Murligrubs. These
Things the good Parliament never considered, but passed the Bill in
Favour of the Multitude of Weavers in this Kingdom, who get Abundance of
Children for the Support of the Nation, and which must have starved, if
foreign Commodities had been imported to the Destruction of the Weaving
Trade. The Batchelors, that would come under this Statute, are but an
inconsiderable Number, compared with the aggregate Sum of the whole
Kingdom.

_Politica._ Suppose, Madam, your Reasons should weigh with the House of
Commons: There is another Sort of Batchelors, that answer the End of
their Creation, and yet are not married; I mean such as multiply their
Species on Misses and Concubines, which, in plain _English_, are Whores:
Nay, they can content themselves to do it with their female Servants,
who serve under them for that Purpose; these will find a Way to creep
out, if you do not bind your Act very close.

_Sophia._ That is well thought on, upon my Virginity! It is true, these
are a dangerous Sort of Creatures; Concubinage and Whoring are grievous
Sins, both in the Sight of God and Man; and the Divine Laws, as also the
Laws of _England_, are very strict against such Offenders, and yet you
see they do find Holes to creep through and escape Punishment; but the
Law I propose will tie them fast: For, do but observe it, Madam, those
Laws are best executed, that bring Money into the _Exchequer_; every one
would be a Fisherman, if the Fishes came like St. _Peter_'s, with Money
in their Mouths: I dare engage, I will sooner get a Warrant to search
for prohibited uncustomed Goods, or to seize Brewer's Copper for
Non-payment of Excise, than I can prepare a Warrant to search a
Bawdy-house: Do but once make it appear, that Godliness is Gain, and I
will warrant you a thorough Reformation of Manners. Now my Act does this
Thing to a T; I make Men honest and virtuous, and, by doing so, I make
the Government rich, and ease the Subjects in the Burden of Taxes. And I
dare engage, if ever you see my Bill passed the Royal Assent, you will
find it well executed.

_Politica._ That is according to the Honesty and Virtue of the
Commissioners and Assessors, appointed for that Purpose; if they are not
virtuous and honest, they may lessen your Tax, and cause a Deficiency.
This has been the Effect of letting Landed-men assess Landed-men, and
Tradesmen assess Stock; when, if a Tradesman had assessed Land, and a
Landed-man had assessed Trade, being so very different in Interest, they
would have raised the Fund to the Height. Therefore, my dear Sister, be
cautious in this Point, take my Advice, I am your _Senior_; let no old
Fornicator be an Assessor, Commissioner, or Collector of your Duty; he,
that has in his Time loved a Bit of old Hat, will be tender in Punishing
the Sin of his Youth; with him exclude all such as were Batchelors
before the Passing of the Act; they will suffer, nay, contrive a
Deficiency, that the Act may be repealed. In short, let none be
concerned in the Assessing or Collecting of this Duty, but such as have
many Years lived with their Wives in conjugal Chastity, and by them have
a very numerous Issue; these, I will warrant you, will take Care to
bring the utmost Penny into the _Exchequer_.--But, pray, how do you
design to punish such of this Sort of Batchelors, that will not comply
with your Act? I hope you will allow them a separate Maintenance; you
will build them an Alms-house also, will you not?

_Sophia._ As the others are used like Fools and superannuated Persons,
so we will use these like Madmen. We will build them a convenient
Bedlam, wherein every one of them shall be chained about the Middle to a
Post, like a Monkey; we will feed them with low Diet, as the others, and
once a Month they shall be blooded and shaved. To aggravate their
Crime, we will make every one of them a _Tantalus_, by bringing every
Day handsome Ladies before them, who shall laugh and jeer at them, and
then turn their Backs upon them.

_Politica._ I protest, Madam, you are very cruel: Would you be willing
to be served so yourself?

_Sophia._ Yes, Sister, when I refuse Matrimony upon good and equal
Terms: Pray, do they not do the same by us? Are not we daily presented
with the Sight of Batchelors of good Estates, who come to us under
Pretence of lawful Courtship, to prosecute an unlawful Amour? They come
to us like Butterflies to Flowers, to spit Maggots on us, and then leave
us to be devoured by Infamy and Scandal: There is no Punishment bad
enough for these Monsters of Men; I would fain have my Will upon them
one Way or other; either by Marrying them all out of hand, or by
Punishing them for Living single.

_Politica._ I do indeed think a Levelling of Marriages is the most
reasonable Thing in the World; Mankind is on a Level in all Things but
this; one Man has Wit and wants Money; another has Money and wants Wit;
a third has Strength, and wants both Money and Wit; one is poor and
contented with his Condition; another has no Peace of Mind, nor
Satisfaction, amidst all his Riches, but is, amongst his Bags of Money,
as a Person in _Little Ease_ or _Bridewell_; so that Nature seems to
have designed a Level, only we raise Mountains and Hills on Purpose to
deface the Works of Nature. But, Sister, here's one Thing yet to be
considered, that there are several young Gentlemen born to good
Fortunes, who would marry me or you; but they are kept from it by the
Advice of their Parents. Now, though I would have such punished as are
unmarried with good Estates in their own Possession, yet would I have
some Respect to those who would and cannot: There is Mr. ----, he often
gives me Visits, he loves my Company, his Eyes talk of Love, which is
more than his Tongue durst so much as mention; for he tells me, the
Beldam his Mother, and the old Curmudgeon his Father, have made a
Resolution, that he shall never marry but with a Woman of five-thousand
Pounds Fortune: But, says he, if they die, I'll marry where I please:
They may live a long Time, and, if I should stay for him, by that Time,
Beauty may have lost its Charm; and some younger _Phillis_, or other,
may interpose and get the Prize from me. For Love, Madam, is the most
fickle and changeable Thing in the World: My Wit will last as long as my
Virtue, and both these are not lessened but improved by Age. But did you
ever know a Man that loved a Woman for Virtue and Wit? No, there are
other Attractives which make so great a Sound in the World, that they
drown the low Voice of Virtue and Wit.

_Sophia._ I would have these old Folks, that hinder their Children from
Matrimony, as severely punished as the old Bachelors: The fabulous
Punishment of leading Apes in Hell is not enough; I would have them
punished even in this Life. I pray God send them some such Distemper as
the Pox; which, in this Life, is the Punishment of Adulterers and
Whore-mongers; Nay, sometimes they are caught and pay dear enough for
their Trifling with the Years of Youth, and not entering the Bounds of
Matrimony, till the Time of their Doatage. I will tell you a very pretty
and true Story:

A certain Doctor of Divinity of the University, aged about sixty Years,
from the Profits of a good Benefice, and other comfortable Church
Emoluments, together with a thrifty Life, had acquired an Estate of
five-hundred Pounds _per Annum_; but the pious Churchman, being still
desirous of a larger Share of the good Things of this Life, thought of
Ways and Means of aggrandising his Fortune. No better Way could he think
on than Marriage; for, he having lived a Batchelor, and, by his
Industry, procured such an Estate, he thought his Spiritual and Temporal
Endowments deserved a considerable Fortune. After he had made many
Enquiries among his Friends and Acquaintance for a suitable Help-mate,
called a Wife, with a sufficient Quantity of Money, he pitched upon a
Justice of the Peace's Daughter, about ten Miles distant from his own
Habitation. The young Gentlewoman was about sixteen Years of Age, and
had ten-thousand Pounds Portion. Her Money made an Atonement for her
Want of Years, for the Bags and the Girl were just old enough for the
Doctor.

As soon as the Doctor had Intelligence of this young Lady, he pursues
the Notion with all the Vehemence imaginable; and hereupon one Day at
Dinner he breaks Bulk to his Man _John_, and tells him of his Design of
Wedding, and orders him to get his Horse ready the next Morning early,
and likewise another for himself, to accompany him Part of the Way,
which he accordingly did; and, after _John_ had travelled with him about
half Way, he was dismissed by the Doctor, who travelled on by himself
till within a Mile of the Justice's House, where seeing an old Hedger in
the Way, he asked him, If he knew Esquire---- He told him, Yes, he had
Reason so to do, for he had been his Servant above thirty Years; and
that he had married his Wife out of the Family, who was also an old
Servant of the 'Squire's. Well then, says the Doctor, you must needs
know his Daughter, Mrs. _Anne_. Yes, I think I do, says the Hedger,
she's a fine young Gentlewoman, and my Master can give her a Power of
Money: I will tell you what, Doctor, I understand Trap; I fancy you have
a Mind to Mrs. _Anne_. Why, replies the Doctor, What if I have; what
then? Why then, says the Hedger, my Master being a hugely rich Man, and my
Mistress a young Woman, he may think you both too old, and not rich
enough: And therefore, Doctor, if I might advise you, I would first have
you see how you like the Girl; it is good to look before you leap. Which
Way can I do that, quoth the Doctor? Oh, quoth the old Man, let me
alone, I can contrive that well enough. Hereupon the Doctor gives him a
Broad-piece, telling him, he found he could do him a Kindness; and that,
if he did it, he should never want, for he had five-hundred Pounds a
Year, besides Spiritual Preferments. Aye, says the old Man, I have often
heard of you. I do not question but we shall bring the Matter about: My
Master has a great Respect for the Church. Pray, Sir, go a little
farther to my House, and I will give you a Cup of the best, and some
good Bread and Cheese, and there we will consider farther of the Matter:
I will warrant we will contrive the Business well enough.

With all my Heart, says the Doctor. Away goes the Doctor more freely
than to Church, and the Hedger as if he were going to the Wedding. When
they were come to the House, and eating the best it afforded; says the
Countryman, Master Doctor, if I could get Mistress _Anne_ to my House,
Would not that do well? Rarely well, quoth the Doctor, if you can but
compass it: But does she ever come hither? Very often, says the old Man,
to see her old Servants. But how will you contrive it? says the Doctor.
Leave that to me, quoth the Hedger. Away goes the old Fellow, and enters
into Discourse with his Wife; says he to her, I am minded to put a Trick
upon the Doctor: The good Wife in a Passion replies, You S----, you old
Fool, you put a Trick on a great Man of the Church: Hold your Tongue,
Goody _Simpleton_, says the old Man; I find the great Doctors bred at
the Versity have no more Wit than we Country Folk: Get you gone
immediately to the 'Squire's, and take my Daughter _Joan_ along with
you, and pray Mrs. _Anne_ to dress her in her best Cloaths, for there is
a Gentleman at our House desires to see her in such a Habit. Now you
must understand their Daughter _Joan_ was about the same Age and Stature
with Mrs. _Anne_, and had a great deal of Beauty, obscured by homely
Country Weeds, and she had by Nature a pretty Stock of the Mother, Wit
of the Knave her Father; away trudges the old Woman with _Joan_ her
Daughter: Her Request was no sooner asked but granted, and _Joan_ was
presently turned into a little Angel, by the Help of Mrs. _Anne_'s
Accoutrements. The Doctor, you may be sure, waited with much Impatience
all this While; sometimes in Hopes, and other times in Despair. But the
Hedger, standing with his Face towards the Way, at length espies his
Wife and Mrs. _Anne_ (for that must be the Name of _Joan_ at present)
coming towards the House; the old Man begs Leave of the Doctor to go and
meet Mrs. _Anne_, and conduct her to the House, which he did presently,
by running cross a Field; he made abundance of Scrapes and Cringes to
Madam _Anne_, with his Hat in his Hand, and then, stepping behind her
like a Footman, he followed her Home all the Way, instructing her how to
manage herself in this weighty Concern.

When they came to the House the Doctor receives her with abundance of
Ceremony; the Countryman also made some rustick Bows and Compliments,
and tells her, it was a great Favour in her Ladiship to come in a Visit
to her poor old Servants, and humbly intreats the Favour of her to sit
down; for, though the Gentleman present was a Stranger to her Ladiship,
he was a Person of Quality, a learned and rich Doctor of the Church,
who, in Humility, peculiar to the Clergy, had vouchsafed to give so poor
a Man as he a Visit. With much Coyness Madam _Anne_ sits down, and,
having made a Bow from her Seat to the Doctor, she asked her old
Servants, how they did. The Doctor being smitten with the visible Part
of Mrs. _Anne_'s Portion, and ruminating on the invisible; the old Man
thought it was Time to retire, which he did, by leaving a Scrape or two
on the earthen Floor with his Foot.

The Doctor had now what he came for, and to Work he goes; he had forgot
_Thomas Aquinas_, _Dunce Scotus_, and other unintelligible cramp
Authors. Philosophy signifies nothing in an Amour, and Logick of itself
is enough to curdle a Virgin's Milk; therefore the Doctor accosted her
with all the soft Expressions he could remember in _Ovid de Arte
Amandi_, which, the Learned say, is the only Way to know how to resolve
the difficult Questions in _Aristotle_'s Problems; and, the Girl having
Heat of Beauty enough at that Age to warm a _Stoick_, by the vehement
Attraction thereof the Doctor joined Countenances; but never did a poor
young Lady receive Kisses after a more modest and coy Manner; and well
might she blush at such an Exercise; for the poor Creature never smelt
Man before, and it was the first Time that ever she saw the Doctor.

After the Doctor and Mrs. _Anne_ had been above an Hour together, in
steps the old Man; the Girl she modestly retires, as well for
Instruction as to give an Account of how Things went; in the mean Time,
the old Man asks the Doctor how he liked the Lady, and what
Encouragement she gave him? The Doctor, being ravished with the visible
and invisible Qualifications of Mrs. _Anne_, expressed abundance of
Satisfaction, and how happy a Man he should be if he could obtain his
Prize. Says the old Man, At her again, Mr. Doctor, she is a brave
good-humoured Lady, and I told her sufficiently what you are: Says the
Doctor, Prithee canst not thou get us something good to eat and drink;
here's Money, if thou canst. Away goes the old Man, but first got Mrs.
_Anne_ into the Room with the Doctor, which was done with many
Intreaties, and performed with a wonderful Modesty.

We will leave the Doctor and Mrs. _Anne_ hard at Work on the Anvil of
Courtships, whilst the old Woman and her Husband are getting Supper
ready, which they were so long about, that it grew late, and Mrs. _Anne_
was just going: The Doctor, you may be sure, intreated her to stay, and
the old Man and Woman solicited very hard on the same Account, telling
the Lady, that they had nothing worthy of her Acceptance, but the Honour
she would do them, now they had a great Doctor of the Church at their
House, would be very great. In short, they argued so much, that Mrs.
_Anne_ was at length prevailed upon to stay; the old Man whispers the
Doctor, that he had kept Supper back on Purpose that he might have the
more of the young Lady's Company, and therefore advised him to make the
best Use of his Time. Certainly, never any young Lady made her Lover so
happy at the first Interview; to Work goes the Doctor, he courts like a
Dragon; with an irresistible Fury he lets fly whole Vollies of bombaste
Rhetorick at her Head, enough to beat a poor Country Girl's Brains out;
no Stone did he leave unturned, but persists in his Courtship, till
interrupted by the old Man's Bringing in the Supper, which, we may
imagine, could not be less than a couple of Cocks with Bacon, and it is
well, if the Fowls did not come out of the Squire's Coop, as well as the
Cloaths out of his Daughter's Wardrobe.

Down sits the Doctor, having first placed Mrs. _Anne_ at the upper End
of the Table, and, having said a short Grace, he desired the old Couple
to sit down, as did also Mrs. _Anne_; but they refused it, saying, They
should not be so impudent as to set at Table Chick by Chowle with a
great Doctor of the Church, and their Mrs. _Anne_, who agreed with the
Doctor to make them both sit down, which at last they did, in Conformity
to the Church and their Mistress; and so they all fell heartily to
Pecking till they had consumed the whole Provision.

Supper being over, the old Man asks his Wife in the next Room, what Time
of Night it was; the old Woman replied, it was past Eight of the Clock;
at which, the old Man fell into a violent Passion, and scolded horribly
at his Wife, for not taking Notice how the Time went away. The Doctor,
hearing this Combustion, comes to know the Meaning of it: The old Man
tells him, he is undone for ever; he has kept Mrs. _Anne_ here so late
that she is locked out of Doors, her Family being always in Bed by Eight
of the Clock, and that, on this Account, the 'Squire will turn him out
of his Service, by which he got his Livelihood. The Doctor pacifies him,
by telling him, that, since this Thing must happen on his Account, he
nor his Wife should never want as long as he lived. Well, says the old
Man, Mr. Doctor, since you are such a charitable Man, I will put you in
a Way to do your Business at once; if you should apply yourself to the
'Squire, he will hardly be brought to Terms; for, though you have a good
Estate, yet I know the 'Squire will marry my Mistress to a young Man;
and seeing you have now a fair Opportunity, having the Night before you,
try to get her Consent, and take her away with you by Three or Four in
the Morning to some Parson of your Acquaintance, and marry her: My
Master will be soon reconciled, for he has no other Child to inherit his
Estate. A good Thought, says the Doctor, and I will try what can be done
in the Case.

You may be sure, Madam, now the Doctor attacks the Lady with all the
Fury imaginable; the Silence of the Night and Want of Sleep, as I have
heard those skilled in Love Affairs say, are great Advantages to an
invading Lover; these are the best Times in which to storm a Lady's
Fortress: This, I suppose, the Doctor well enough knew, and therefore
carried on the Siege with Vigour, and, before Three in the Morning, the
young Lady had capitulated, and surrendered upon Articles; which the
Doctor tells the old Man of with abundance of Pleasure, who, you may be
sure, bids the Doctor Joy: The Doctor desires the old Man to get him a
Pillion, which, indeed, the old Man had before provided; and away goes
the Doctor and his Lady, and were that Day married.

The Doctor did not stay long at the Place of Marriage, but privately
returns to his own House, where he acquainted some of his Friends of his
Enterprise, who highly applauded his Ingenuity; but he enjoined them all
to Secrecy for some Time. The Doctor daily expected a Hue and Cry after
Mrs. _Anne_; but, hearing nothing of it, he concluded the Servants had
some how or other concealed the Story from her Father; but his Friends
advised him by all Means to go to the Justice, and acquaint him with
what he had done with his Daughter, and beg his Pardon for so doing, as
a Means of Reconciliation.

The Doctor understanding the Justices of the Peace were to meet that Day
about some particular Business in the Town; he went to enquire for the
Justice, whom he only knew by Sight, and the Justice had no other
Knowledge of the Doctor. The Doctor, in his best _Pontificalibus_'s,
comes to the Place of Meeting, which was an Inn, and asks the Drawer,
whether Esquire ---- was there; who answered, he was: He bids him shew
him a Room, and go tell the Esquire, that Doctor ---- desired to speak
with him; the Esquire desires the Doctor to come to him and the rest of
the Gentlemen, they having at that Juncture no Business before them; but
the Doctor sends Word again that his Business was private, and he
heartily intreated the Esquire to come to him, upon which the Esquire
comes: The Doctor he falls on his Knees, and begs his Pardon; the
Esquire was surprised, as knowing nothing of the Matter, and, being
unwilling to be homaged by the Church, he desires the Doctor to rise, or
otherwise he would talk no farther with him; the Doctor refused to do it
till such Time as he had his Pardon: The Esquire, knowing of no Offence,
freely gave him a Pardon; which done, the Doctor arises, telling him, he
was sorry that one in his Coat should be guilty of such a Crime: The
Esquire, being still in the Dark, replied, he knew no Crime he was
guilty of: Sir, says the Doctor, I have married your Daughter: Married
my Daughter, says the Esquire, you are certainly mistaken, Doctor. It is
certainly true, says the Doctor. Says the Esquire in a great Passion,
How long have you been married to my Daughter? I have lain with her
these three Nights, says the Doctor: Says the Esquire, you are strangely
mistaken, Doctor, for I left my Daughter at Home this Morning. Says the
Doctor, you are strangely imposed upon by your Servants, therefore be so
kind as to go to my House and see your Daughter, who is there at this
present. The Esquire, in an odd Sort of Confusion, goes along with him
to the House, and, being conducted into the Parlour where Madam sat in
State on her Couch, the Esquire burst out into a Fit of Laughter, and,
going to the Lady, salutes her, and wishes her much Joy, and then told
the Doctor the Mistake; for, says he, this Lady is my Servant ---- the
Hedger's Daughter _Joan_, dressed in my Daughter's Cloaths. The Doctor,
being astonished for some Time, recovers himself, comes up to her, takes
her in his Arms, and, kissing her, says, If thou art _Joan_, I will love
thee as well as if thou hadst been Mrs. _Anne_. And, for aught I know,
she made him as good a Wife; for, though she perfectly kidnapped the old
Child, yet they lived very comfortably together.

_Politica._ I can nick your Story with one of a Clergyman, that was as
indifferent about a Portion as yours was curious. Mr. _G----_, a
Minister in _Suffolk_, and of a considerable Estate, lived without
Thoughts of Marriage, till the Age of fifty Years; at which Time one of
his Parishioners put him in Thoughts of Matrimony. He said he had been
so intent on his Studies, that he never thought of a Wife; but that now,
if he could find out a good one, he would marry. The Gentleman told him,
such a Person about twelve Miles off had three Daughters, either of
which would make him a good Wife, but their Fortunes were but small; the
Parson said, he knew the Gentleman very well, but did not know he had
any Daughters; and, as for Money, that was a Thing he did not value. The
Parson in a short Time gives the Gentleman a Visit, who made him very
welcome, not knowing the Design of his Coming; but the Parson told him,
that he heard he had three Daughters, and one of them would make him a
good Wife. The Gentleman replied, he had three Daughters, and that he
hoped they would prove to the Satisfaction of any Person who should
marry them, and told him either of them was at his Service: The Parson
said, they were all alike to him; but, since it was usual to marry the
Eldest first, he would take her; the Gentleman replied with all his
Heart. Upon which the eldest Daughter was called in. The Parson, sitting
in his Chair, and smoaking his Pipe, told her, he had heard she would
make him a good Wife: The young Lady, surprised, told him, she did not
know that, but did believe she should be a good Wife to any one that
should marry her. The Parson put the grand Question, Whether she would
have him? She told him, Matrimony was a Thing of that Moment, as
required a great deal of Consideration, and not to be so speedily
determined. He told her, his Studies would not allow him a long
Courtship; and, pulling out his Watch, laid it on the Table, and told
her, he would give her an Hour's Time to consider of it. Away goes the
Girl, but, believing it to be a Banter, she thought very little on that
Subject; the Parson having looked on his Watch, and finding the Hour was
gone, he desired the young Lady might be again called in: When she came,
the Parson shewed her the Watch, telling her the Hour was past, and that
he hoped she had considered of what he had spoke to her about; she told
him, that, it being a Matter of such great Consequence, it required a
much longer Time than he had set for that Purpose: The Parson hereupon
began to fret, and told her further, He found she would not have him,
and therefore he desired his Horse to be brought out, for he would be
going Homewards. The Gentleman pressed him to continue longer;
withall, telling him, though the Eldest required so much Time for
Consideration, perhaps the Second might not.

The Parson was hereby prevailed upon to smoak another Pipe, and the
Second Daughter was brought in, to whom he carried himself as to the
former, and also allowed her an Hour's Time to consider of it. You may
be sure, during this Time, the Father and Mother worked the Girl to say,
Yes, as plain as if she had been in the Church: The Time being elapsed,
the Parson was impatient to go Home, Wife or no Wife, he was so
indifferent. The Girl was now called in, and the Parson asked her,
Whether she had considered of the Matter? She answered, Yes. Then will
you have me? She answers, Yes. Very well then, says the Parson to the
Father, all is done but Matrimony; and when shall that be? When you
please, says the Father. Then, says the Parson, let it be on _Tuesday_
next. But, says the Father, who shall get the Licence? I will take Care
of that, says the Parson; and so, taking Leave of the Father, away he
goes. When he had gone about three or four Miles, and thinking of the
Licence, he remembered he had not taken his Wife's Christian Name, and
so he rode back again as hard as he could drive, and, riding up to the
House, he found the eldest Daughter standing at the Door, so he asked
her what was her Christian Name? She told him; he bid her a Good-Night,
and away he goes.

The Day being come, and the Licence being got ready, the Parson comes to
fetch his Wife; away goes the Father with him, and his three Daughters,
and two or three other Relations, to the Church, where the Parson and
Clerk were ready to make Matrimonial Execution: The Parson asked the
Father and Parson _G----_, which of the Daughters was to be married;
they answered the second Daughter; but the Parson told them the first
Daughter's Name was in the Licence, and therefore he could not marry
them till they had got another Licence. Parson _G----_ told them, he
could not defer it any longer, and therefore he would be dispatched
somehow or other, and told them it was all one to him which of them he
had, and so he goes to the Eldest, and asks her whether she would have
him? And she, having better considered of the Point, answered Yes, and
so they were married.

From Church they went Home to her Father's House, where, having dined,
he tells his Wife she must put up such Things as she designed to carry
Home with her, for he would quickly be going Homewards: The Relations
begged of him to stay all Night, and bed his Wife at her Father's House,
it being the usual Custom so to do; he told them, he would lie no where
but at his own House, and that he would be going presently. The
Relations finding no Arguments would prevail upon him to tarry, they got
Mrs. _Bride_ ready; and the Parson, coming to the Door, espied several
Horses ready saddled and bridled; he asked, what the Meaning of those
Horses Was? They told him, for some of his Wife's Relations, to
accompany him Home; he said, no Body should go along with him but his
Wife; and so they were forced to stable their Horses, and let the
married Couple go Home by themselves.

When they came Home, he conducted her into the House, and saluted her,
which was the first Time; and, after he had bid her Welcome, and they
had sat about Half an Hour, the Parson calls the old Maid, and bids her
bring the Spinning wheel, and told his Wife, he did not doubt but she
was a good Housewife, and knew how to make Use of that Instrument: She
told him, Yes; then he tells her, he did expect she would work while he
was at Work, and no longer; so away goes he to his Study, and Mrs.
_Bride_ to Working with the Whirling-engine; about an Hour after he
comes down and tells her, now she must leave Work, and bids the old Maid
get Supper ready. After they had supped, he goes into his Study, and she
to her Spinning-wheel; when he returns again from his Study, he tells
her, now she must leave Work; after a short Discourse, he went to
Prayers with the Family, and then orders the old Maid to light her
Mistress up Stairs, and put her to Bed.

Away goes Madam _Bride_ to Bed, without any Ceremony of eating
Sack-posset, or throwing the Stocking; and, as soon as she was in Bed,
in comes the Parson, and to Bed goes he; but, sitting up in it, he bids
the Maid bring him the little Table, a great Candle, and such a Book
from the Study, which she did, and the Parson went to his Reading; upon
which, the Bride calls to the Maid: The Parson asked her, what she
wanted? She told him, Something: The Maid coming, he bid her speak to
her Mistress, who bids her bring up the Spinning-wheel, and a great
Candle in the long Candlestick, which the Maid having done, Mrs. _Bride_
went to Whirling it about as hard as ever she could drive; at which the
Parson could hardly forbear Bursting out into Laughter, and, finding
that Spinning and Reading did not agree well together, he put out his
Candle, and laid him down in Bed like a good Husband.

The next Morning he told her, that he found her a Wife of a suitable
Temper to himself, and that, for the Future, she might work or play when
she pleased; that he left all his temporal Concerns to her Management,
and they lived a very happy Couple together, till Death parted them.

This, Madam, is indeed a very comical Story; however, the young Woman
got a good Husband by the Bargain: Humours are indeed very uneasy
Companions, but the whole Course of human Life is attended with Mixtures
of Pleasure and Pain, and it is but common Prudence for us to overlook a
few Impertinences, rather than lose the most necessary Comforts of Life.
We have all of us our Whims and Humours in Relation to Matrimony;
sometimes they abound in the Parents, and sometimes in the Children,
sometimes in the Husband, sometimes in the Wife; for my Part I do not
know who is clear of them. We are now fallen into the Humour of telling
Stories under this green Bower, as if we were in a Chimney-corner at
_Christmas_, which is a Sort of Impertinence, pardonable in those who
have Nothing to do but pass away their Time in Tattle, and Reading of
Books; however, it is more commendable than to gossip, as the _London_
Ladies do, over Sack and Walnuts, cool Tankards, and cold Tea, and all
the Time rail at their Husbands for being at the Tavern; I will
propagate the Humour we are fallen into, by telling you a true Story of
a miserly old Humourist.

A certain Country Gentleman of about one-thousand Pounds _per Annum_,
having buried his Wife and all his Children, took a Brother's Son into
the House, as his Heir, and gave him the best Education that Country
would afford; the Boy being a Youth of clean Parts, and good Ingenuity,
he improved to an extraordinary Degree in so barren a Soil, and so very
dutiful withal, that the old Man perfectly doated on him, and was uneasy
when he was out of his Company. When he came to Years of Maturity, was
grown ripe, and ready to be shaken into the Matrimonial Bed, the old
Gentleman asked him, Whether he was inclined to marry? The young Man,
with an unwilling Modesty, told him, what he pleased; he wholly referred
that, and every Thing else relating to himself, to his Care, thinking
himself always happy and safe under his Conduct. Says the old Cuff, Thou
hast been a very dutiful Child to me, and therefore, says he, I am
willing to please thee: Shall I look thee out a Wife? The young Man (who
without Doubt would have been better pleased to have looked out a Wife
for himself) answered, With all his Heart.

The old Gentleman looks out accordingly, and, being well known in the
Country, was not long in Pursuit of a Wife for his Nephew, which
happened to be a Gentleman's Daughter about ten Miles distant from his
own Habitation: The two old People discoursed the Matter, and came to
this Resolution, That the two young ones should have an Interview, and
see how they liked one another. Home comes the old Man, and acquainted
his Nephew that he had pitched upon a Wife for him, one of Mr. ----'s
Daughters, who were all of them virtuous young Women, and every Way
suitable to his Quality and Circumstances; although their Portions were
but small, their Father having met with many Misfortunes, yet the
Virtues inherent in them rendered them equal to himself. The young Man
returned him Abundance of Thanks, and did not, in the least, question
the Prudence of his Choice.

Now was the young Man to have an Interview with Mrs. _Bride_ elect, and
his Uncle retired into Consultation with himself, how to equip his
Nephew for that Enterprise; at first, he determined to send to _London_
to have him a new Suit of Cloaths made, that he might appear like a
Courtier; but, upon second Thoughts, and to save his Money, he told him,
he could better provide for him at Home; for, says he, you are just of
my Size, and I have above Stairs, in the Press, all my Wedding-cloaths,
which were the best I could lay my Hands on, both for the Fineness of
the Cloth, and the Silk Lining: I am sure they are so good, that I never
wore them above four or five Times in all my Life, and they are never
the worse for Wearing: I will assure thee, if I had not a great Respect
for thee, thou shouldest never have them: What sayest thou, Child, wilt
thou try them on? With all my Heart, replied the young Spark; up goes
the old Man and brings them down, he puts them on, and they fitted
exactly. The Coat-sleeves were gloriously cut and slashed, small Buttons
on the Coat, a little bigger than Pease; the Pockets about a Handful
below the Knees, the Breeches were open-kneed, a great Deal wider than a
_Flanderkin_'s Trousers, hung all around with Abundance of little
Ribbons; the old Gentleman asked him how he liked them? Very well, Sir,
replies the Spark. Now, says the old Man, for a Hat; I have a special
Beaver I bought along with these Cloaths, which he also produced; it had
a Crown as high, and in Form of a Sugar-loaf, with Brims as broad as a
Tea-table; the young Gentleman thanked him heartily for it also. Now,
says the old Cuff, there is Nothing wanting but a Pair of Boots, which I
have by me, and which being brought, the young Spark tried them on, and
they fitted exactly; they were of a Russet Colour with white Tops: Pray,
says the old Man, take great Care of these Boots, it is wet Weather and
may spoil them, therefore I would advise thee to twist some Hay-bands
about them for their Security, and, when you come near the House, pull
them off, and then they will be neat and clean as they were at my
Wedding: But one Thing I had almost forgot, Hast thou got any Money? Not
one Penny, replied the Spark; Well thought on, says his Uncle, Courtship
is chargeable, here is Half a Crown, pray make good Use of it. The young
Gentleman, thus equipped, looked like one of Queen _Elisabeth_'s
Courtiers come from the Dead, or, like Snow on the Grass and Trees about
_Midsummer_; but what would one not undergo for a good Wife or Husband?

The young Man gets up early the next Morning, and having resumed his
former Accoutrements, and mounting on the Outside of his Uncle's best
Palfrey, away he trots in Pursuit of his Lady; you may be sure the
People gazed, and the Dogs barked sufficiently on the Road at this human
Scarecrow on Horseback; but the Worst of it was, as he came within
Bow-shot of his Mistress's Tabernacle, the young Lady was looking out at
the Window, and espying such a Figure, she called her other two Sisters,
and told them that Merry _Andrew_ was coming, which put them into a
great Fit of Laughter, till, approaching nearer, one of them cries out,
It is Mr. ----'s Nephew, and, knowing his Business, they sent a Man to
take his Horse, and their Father and Mother received him very genteelly
at the Door, and ushered him into the House.

But, as if Fate had ordained that the poor Spark should be exposed in
his antiquated Habiliments, it so happened that Day there was an
Invitation of Gentlemen and Ladies to Dinner at the House; when Dinner
was ready and set on the Table, the young Spark was conducted from
another Room to the rest of the Guests; no sooner had he set his Foot on
the Threshold, but the Eyes of the whole Company were upon him; one
sneared, another tittered, a third laughed outright, no Body knowing the
Meaning of this odd Dress; so that indeed he was the Scaramouch of the
Company, but by that Time they had feasted their Eyes on him, and filled
their Stomachs with the Victuals, they found the Spark was very modest
and ingenious, and that his good Humour and Eloquence was more agreeable
to their Ears and Minds, than his Habit to their Eyes; and, by his
Ogling one of the Ladies more than the rest, they guessed at his Design;
and being unwilling to cramp Love in its Embryo, after Dinner they all
withdrew, and left that Lady and the Spark together.

The Spark immediately takes the Opportunity to apologise for his Garb,
and told her how necessary it was for him to please his Uncle's Humour
in the Thing, which, though it made him ridiculous to the Company, he
hoped would not lessen her Esteem of his Person: The young Lady (who
knew she was to marry the Man, and not the Cloaths) told him, it was not
the Garb she looked at, but she had more Respect to his other
Accomplishments; and at this Rate they went on in Discourse of Love and
Matrimony for about two Hours.

The Lady then thinking it uncivil any longer to withdraw herself, or
detain the Gentleman from the rest of the Company, she desired him to go
into the next Apartment, and take a Game at Cards with the young Ladies;
the Spark, knowing the Weakness of his Pocket, desired heartily to be
excused, but, being pressed by one he could in no wise refuse, he was at
last forced to give her the grand Argument, by making known to her his
_Job_'s Condition; she, understanding the Humour of his Uncle, guessed
the Money might as well be wanting as new Cloaths, and she desired his
Patience for a Minute or two, whilst she stepped out about a little
Business, which she did, and returns presently with a Purse of five
Pounds, desiring him to make Use of it. Upon which he waits upon her
into the next Room, where he played at Cards with the rest of the
Company, sometimes won, sometimes lost, but always pleased the Company
to Admiration, so that they all thought his Mistress extremely happy in
having so ingenious and good-humoured a Lover, though in an antiquated
Dress.

To make short of my Story, he tarried with his Lady a full Fortnight,
and in that Time got her Consent, and the Consent of her Parents, and
returns Home to his Uncle with this joyful News, which extremely pleased
the old Gentleman; but he took Care to tell the old Man, that, according
to his own Words, he had found indeed that Courtship was chargeable, for
that he had spent Eighteen-pence of the Half-crown he gave him, and,
putting his Hand in his Pocket, he gave his Uncle the remaining
Shilling. Well, Child, says the Uncle, I commend thy Prudence and
Frugality, I find thou art to be trusted with Money and any Thing else,
and therefore I will settle Five hundred a Year upon thee in Marriage;
and giving him a good Sum of Money to buy him such Wedding-cloaths as he
should best like, the Marriage was soon after solemnised to the
Satisfaction both of Old and Young; they were a happy Pair, and the old
Man, dying some Years after, left them the Remainder of his Estate,
which made an Addition to their Happiness.

_Politica._ Truly, Madam, the young Gentleman was enough ingenious; had
he been cross, and not pleased his Uncle's Humours, he would have been
disinherited, though I must confess, it is hard to render ourselves
ridiculous to a Degree of Folly, to please an old Humourist. But what is
not sinful can never be shameful, and how unpleasant soever our Actions
are in the Sight of Men, if they are otherwise in the Sight of God, it
is no Matter: A good Estate and Virtue make a Man beautiful in any Garb.
I believe I could conform myself to the Humours of the greatest
Caprichio, were I afterwards to be as happy as the young Lady you have
mentioned; we must all of us suffer some Way or other in our Pupillage:
The Apprentice serves out his Time with Chearfulness, in Expectation of
being his own Man at the seven Years End. Future Ease is a great
Encouragement to present Labour. But I know many young Men and Women are
ruined by the unaccountable Humours of their Parents and Governors, and
take such wicked Courses, that they are seldom or never reclaimed,
especially Women, who have once broken through the Bounds of Chastity.
It is a common Proverb amongst the Men, that, _Once a Whore and always a
Whore_. Though I have known this Proverb crossed; and, to level and make
our Stories even as we would do Marriages, I shall give you an Account
after what Manner:

A Country Gentleman, who was a Justice of the Peace in the County of
_R----_, not having been in _London_ in his Life, or at least, not for a
long Time, being in Conversation with some of his Friends, heard them
speak of the Practice of lewd Women, in picking Men up in the Streets.
The Gentleman, being a Stranger to this abominable Practice, could not
believe any Women could be so impudent, as they reported them to be; but
they told him, he might experience the Contrary any Evening when he
pleased. The Gentleman was resolved to make the Experiment, and one
Evening in _Fleetstreet_ he takes Notice of a very pretty Gentlewoman,
which eyed him very narrowly, whereupon he asked her to drink a Glass of
Wine; she agreed at the first Word, and went with him to the next
Tavern.

When the Gentleman and his Doxy were seated in a Room, and had some Wine
brought them, they drank very civilly one to the other; but Miss
expected to be attacked, after another Sort of Manner than she found by
the Gentleman: For he asked her, how long she had continued that Trade;
she told him, as they all do, but a very short Time; then he continues,
how can you dare to live in Rebellion both against the Laws of God and
Man, and impudently pursue Methods to destroy both your Body, and your
immortal Soul? In short, he read her such a Lecture, that she, not being
hardened in Sin as are the Generality of those Miscreants, burst out
into a Flood of Tears, and told him, that it was not without a wonderful
Remorse of Conscience she followed that wicked Course of Life, and
protested to him, that it was pure Necessity obliged her to it, for
otherwise she could not get a Subsistence. The Gentleman asked her
further, How she came first to be debauched? She told him her Father was
a Country Gentleman, who had extravagantly spent a plentiful Estate, and
then dying, left her to the wide World unprovided for: She thought
_London_ was the best Place to get her a Livelihood in, and thither she
came, but very unfortunately fell into the Hands of a lewd Woman, who
betrayed her to the Lust of a Gentleman, who was no more than once
concerned with her, and then advised her to ply the Streets; and, that
he himself was the first Person that ever had picked her up.

The Gentleman told her, it was hard to believe Persons who had been
guilty of such heinous Crimes, and very heartily admonished her to
forsake her evil Practices, to repent of what she had already done, and
to amend her Life for the Future; she gave him many Thanks for his good
Advice, and told him, she should think herself a very happy Person, if
either he, or any one else, would put her in a Way to live otherwise; he
told her, if she would resolve to amend for the Future, he would take
Care to provide for her; she promised him, with all the Asseverations
imaginable, that she would: Whereupon he told her, that she should meet
him the next Day at a certain Time and Place; she coming according to
Appointment, he put her into a Lodging he had provided, and being well
assured of her Repentance and Sincerity, and finding her an accomplished
Gentlewoman, soon after married her; and she made him a chaste and happy
Wife, and he lived as happily with her, as if she had been possessed of
a Portion of Thousands of Pounds.

_Sophia._ If I had here a Bottle of Wine, I would drink that Gentleman's
Health; he, under God, saved the Body and Soul of that poor Creature,
and made a Saint, by taking a Sinner to his Bed. I cannot chuse but
reflect on our Discourse, how naturally we have fallen from the
Discourse of Matrimony, to Love Stories; we have talked away the Time,
as Children cry themselves asleep. But we must be gone, the Sun is just
down, and we shall be wanted at Supper.



       *       *       *       *       *



Transcriber's note:

This extract and the Mundus Foppensis were both included in a book
published by the Augustan Reprint Society in 1992, with the title
cover as shown below. There are a number of words spelt differently
from spelling used today. Some words have been changed. They are
japan to Japan, Sweet-meets to Sweet-meats, sollicit to solicit,
and hugy to hugely.



                                      THE
                              Harleian Miscellany:
                                     OR, A
                                  COLLECTION
                                      OF
                      SCARCE, CURIOUS, and ENTERTAINING
                            PAMPHLETS and TRACTS,
                     As well in Manuscript as in Print,
                              Found in the late
                       EARL of _OXFORD_'s LIBRARY.
                                 INTERSPERSED
                 With HISTORICAL, POLITICAL, and CRITICAL NOTES.
                                     WITH
                           A Table of the CONTENTS.

                                    VOL. V.

                                    LONDON:
               Printed for _T. OSBORNE_, in _Gray's-Inn_. MDCCXLV.





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