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Title: The Foolish Almanak
Author: Roosevelt, Theodore, 1858-1919
Language: English
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[Illustration: THE FOOLISH ALMANAC 2nd]
PERPETUAL PASS
Issued to:
Edw. C. Smith
_From_ Worryland
_To_ Laughter
(To be used only on The Foolish Almanack 2nd Limited)
GOOD TILL DOOMSDAY
_With the Compliments of the Season_
John N. Luce & Co.
[Illustration: SIGNS OF THE ZODIAC UP-TO-DATE]
_THE_
FOOLISH ALMANAK
For Anuthur Year
THE FURST CINC THE INTRODUKSHUN OV THE
MUK-RAKE IN MAGAZEEN GARDNING, AND
THE SPELING REFORM OV OWR LANGWIJ
By THEODOR ROSYFELT
Thair hay bin uthur Yearz but non like this.
Thingz wil Hapn.
313 Dayz wil kum and 313 Dayz wil go and thair wil
be 52 Sundayz evn in the best regulayted Familiz.
Thair wil be at leest wun 23 for yu in eech munth.
* * * * *
LIFE WITHOUT IT WIL BE UN-SEAZOND
By kind Purmishun ov the Jawn D. Rawkyfelurs the
Sun and Moon wil be purmitted 2 Arize and
Shine. The Shuberts wil regulayte the
Starz, and the Planits wil du
the best they kan.
Hetty Green and J. Peerpont Morgun have garanteed the
Wethur.
* * * * *
_WITH APOLOGIZ TO THE KARNAGY SPELING SKOOL_
PURPETRAYTED, WITH THE AID OV WALLACE GOLDSMITH'S
PICTURZ, BY
JOHN W. LUCE AND COMPANY
_BOSTON_ 1906 _LONDON_
_Copyright, 1906, by_
JOHN W. LUCE & COMPANY
_Boston, Mass., U. S. A._
_The Plimpton Press Norwood Mass. U. S. A._
[Illustration]
Greeting
Time was, is, and will be. Almanacks
have come and Almanacks
have gone. But Time has survived.
Only the Foolish Almanack
has been equal to the pleasant
Task of Killing it.
We offer the Book as our Defense.
THE PUBLISHERS.
HELPFUL HINT FOR JANUARY:
Do not give way to vain regrets because you did not keep the
good resolves you made a year ago. It might be worse. You
might have kept the resolutions and have had no incentive
for leading a better life this year.
* * * * *
ECLIPSES FOR THE COMING YEAR
If there are as many Eclipses as during 1905-6, it will be a
hard year on grafters and bosses. The editor is optimistic,
however, believing that the sanitary revolution which swept
the country has about blown over. Public confidence and
laxity have been restored in a large measure and the time is
now about ripe for us to get it in the neck again.
[Sidenote: _DRESS HINT_: The first costume on record was a
hand-me-down from the fig tree.
[Illustration]
_AN ICE AGE_: Now is the time to cut ice. "Doc." Osler won't
like it if you wait until after you are 40.]
[Illustration]
SUNDAY
MONDAY Do not swear off anything. Wait 'till tax time.
TUESDAY (1781) Baron Munchausen published his memoirs.
(1901) Andrew Carnegie started writing his
autobiography.
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY Erroneously spelled Thursday. It should be
spelled T-h-i-r-s-t-d-a-y (consult any of the
reformed who have been clinging to the water
wagon since Tuesday.)
FRIDAY
SATURDAY (1906) There was no genius born in Indiana this
day.
JANUARY
Reciprocity is the mother of contention.
UP IN MAINE
A thirsty, young sport, up in Me.
Pretended to suffer great Pe.
But when he'd imbibed
What the druggist prescribed,
He said he felt better Age.
Note: We demanded a diagram for the above and the author
reluctantly provided it. He thinks that any one should know
that _Me._ is the abbreviation for Maine and that to make
the 2d and last lines rhyme you will readily read _Pe._ as
abbreviation for _pain_ and _Age._ as abbreviation for
_again_. We feel much better now and we hope you do, dear
reader.--_The Editor._
[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: Those who are always having the
hives should go into the bee business.]
[Sidenote: _Household Advice_: To keep the kitchen fire hot,
keep it coaled.]
[Illustration]
SUNDAY
MONDAY Adam and Eve began housekeeping, and having
neither prying neighbors nor troublesome
servants they named their bungalow "Paradise."
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY A four-flush only wins political pots.
--Poker Proverbs.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY Rosa Bonheur born. Rosa painted animals
and all of her competitors at the art
shows said her work was "beastly."
SATURDAY
JANUARY
There are as good fish in the sea as there are in the fish
carts.
FORECAST FOR JANUARY
From January 1st until the 7th, and possibly in some cases
until the 9th or 10th, it will be very DRY. This drouth will
be followed by a long wet spell. The Zodiacal sharp who runs
things during January is Aquarius, which being translated
means "water-wagon." The only folks who never heard of
Aquarius live in the corn-belt of Kentucky.
* * * * *
From January 10th to the 15th, the weather will devote its
time to making up its mind what it is going to do. From the
15th to the 20th it will do it.
* * * * *
Dark clouds of remorse and despondency will reign during the
last week in January, but by February 1st you will have
become accustomed and resigned to your old habits.
[Illustration]
January will also be marked by "white goods sales," and (if
it's windy in the shopping district) skirt sails.
[Sidenote: _Gardening Hint_: You cannot raise bread fruit
from cauliflour.]
[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: If your blood is bad blame it on
your ancestors.]
[Illustration]
SUNDAY
MONDAY (1905) It was decided to build a sea-level-lock
canal in Panama.
(2001) It was decided to build a lock-sea-level
canal instead.
TUESDAY (3000 A.D.) At a quiet meeting, Daughters of
the Revolution elected their officers
unanimously.
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY Wear Blinders! To gaze at anything
with the naked eye is immodest.
--Anthony Comstock.
FRIDAY
SATURDAY
JANUARY
Open confession may be good for the soul, but it's bad for
the reputation.
SEVEN WONDERS OF THE WORLD
Why a pretty ankle makes a "rubber-neck."
Why a Kentucky "Colonel" is a "good Judge."
Why chorus girls and lobsters always go together.
Why a Grass-widow objects to a raking over.
Why real pains from little champagnes grow.
Why there is no "Midway" on the straight and narrow path.
How a man can be "half-seas-over" on land.
* * * * *
TALE OF A TANK
High-ball
Sad fall.
Big head
'Nuff said.
[Sidenote: Muck-rakes will not be popular with trusts or
officialdom, but much sought after by literateurs.
[Illustration]
]
[Illustration]
SUNDAY
MONDAY (1906) Great excitement in County Cork. Handy
Skinegie bit off a piece of the Blarney
stone before delivering his address on
"How I hate to be rich."
TUESDAY (1925) Atlas seeks to retire from supporting
the world. American-Journal-Examiner
put at his service.
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (1906) T. Roosevelt began publishing a series
of short stories in the Congressional
Record.
SATURDAY
JANUARY
A punch in the bowl is worth two in the face.
FOR THE HOME COMING
Before meeting his wife and family at the station a wise man
will put his house in order for the home coming.
* * * * *
A pleasant way of doing this is to give a house-cleaning
party. Divide your party into the Sweepers, the Dusters, the
Scrubbers, and the Dish Washers, giving each group proper
utensils and offering a prize for the best results.
* * * * *
Let the party begin at midnight, after a pleasant dinner,
and at about 2 in the morning the police will probably come
in and finish cleaning the place up.
[Illustration]
[Sidenote: _Dairy Hint_: Most dairymen find a separator
useful, but it is not absolutely necessary. To separate milk
most effectively, keep away from the pump.]
[Illustration]
SUNDAY
MONDAY Wm. Tell born. Some persons do not believe
the Wm. Tell story. What Tell do they believe?
TUESDAY Publicity brings its own reward.
--Winston Churchill et al.
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY
FRIDAY Robinson Crusoe born. Crusoe was the first
victim to get a long term on the Island.
SATURDAY
JANUARY
A man's a man for a' that--there is in it.
HELPFUL HINT FOR FEBRUARY
It wasn't because George Washington cut down the cherry tree
that he was made President. And very few men get into office
simply for telling the truth. We hardly know how to advise
you on this point. Why do you wish to enter politics?
* * * * *
TO FIND OUT IF MONEY IS TAINTED
If silver or gold, bite it.
If bills, wash with soap and water.
If a cheque, call up the bank.
[Sidenote: _Society Hint_: A little gossip goes a long way.]
[Sidenote: _How to Be Happy_: Quit living.]
[Illustration]
SUNDAY
MONDAY (1874) Siamese twins Chang and Eng die.
(1906) Buttin twins, Lawson and Roosevelt,
perfectly healthy.
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (1781) "Battle of Cowpens." British defeated
by Morgan.
(1906) Second "Battle of Cowpens." Packers
defeated by O'Neil and Reynolds.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY About this time expect some weather.
SATURDAY
FEBRUARY
There's many a damn
'Twixt the door and the jamb.
HOW TO SKATE
February is perhaps as good a month as any other to learn to
skate.
The simplest, and most approved method, is as follows:
One high-ball, another high-ball, 1 more high-ball, simply a
high-ball, just one more high-ball, ditto, the same, and
lastly, a highball. (Note--After the glass is full say, "Not
another drop.")
You will be surprised at the ease with which you can skate.
* * * * *
"Spreading the Eagle" is a very pretty and artistic skating
figure. It is done by trying to get from one side of the
street to the other all in the same night.
* * * * *
"Looping the lamp-post" is also quite an achievement in
skating. It doesn't make any difference which of the two
lamp-posts you loop--take your choice. It is difficult to
give directions how to do this. The feat has to be seen to
be learned. There is a simpler way of doing it, however, and
that is--stand perfectly still while the lamp-post passes
around you.
* * * * *
Two persons skating together for mutual assistance are known
as "a pair of skates."
* * * * *
An expert skater can skate just as well in July as in
February.
[Sidenote: _Nocturne_:
Bright
Light
Night.
Miss
Kiss
Bliss.
Pa
Bar
Scar.
[Illustration]
]
[Illustration: Don't see me freckles. Look pleasant please.]
SUNDAY
MONDAY Cherry trees and hatchets have been supplanted
by "big sticks" as decorations at the White
House.
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY "Cut it out"--_Surgeon's Motto_.
THURSDAY George Washington born. Neighbors took in
their cherry trees.
FRIDAY
SATURDAY
FEBRUARY
When Duty calls, send her around to the back door.
HOW TO COMPOSE A SHORT STORY
"Ambitious" asks the compiler of this Almanack to tell her
the easiest way to compose a short story.
* * * * *
This depends somewhat on the short story, but a few general
observations may be of interest. Some short stories are more
excited than others.
* * * * *
Lead the short story to a quiet place and soothe it by
praise delivered in a gentle, monotonous, but authoritative
tone of voice. Be careful not to criticize, as that will
make it more and more nervous. When the short story shows
signs of yielding to this influence, smooth it gently with
one hand and pat it on the back with the other. When quite
composed, withdraw quietly, still speaking in a low tone.
* * * * *
A short story by Mary Wilkins can be composed more quickly
than a short story by Kipling. In the latter case it may be
necessary to gently persuade the short story to take an
opiate.
[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: All that blisters is not good for
a cold.]
[Sidenote: _Lucky Advice_: It is unlucky to fall down 13
flights of stairs.]
[Illustration: Darn that ram.]
SUNDAY (1906) A bright day. W. J. Bryan congratulates
the Sun.
MONDAY
TUESDAY "It isn't so much her eating the apple as that
she thought she was getting something for
nothing. I foresee much trouble from this
tendency." --Adam's Journal.
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (2300 B.C.) Confusion invented by Confucius.
SATURDAY
FEBRUARY
A woman's college is a dangerous thing.
HELPFUL HINT FOR MARCH
Now is a good time to think about having your last summer's
suit and hat cleaned and fixed up to last another season.
You can stand at the window and look out at the snow, and
think about this to your heart's content. This probably will
warm you to such an extent that you will save a bit on your
coal bill.
* * * * *
HOW TO HANDLE A MUCK-RAKE
The owner of a muck-rake should first get a magazine to keep
it in. This practice originated with Laws Tomson, the
celebrated Norse Berserker.
Select your muck and rake it diligently until you find a
large, fat check; then leave that pile and begin on another.
* * * * *
WEATHER HINT--It's a nil wind that doesn't blow.
[Sidenote: _A Bad Sign_: "All Drinks Spot Cash."
[Illustration]
[Illustration: Those stars hold the stage. Take yer hat
off.]
SUNDAY
MONDAY About now young boys forget skating and begin
to think about marbles. "Old Boys" are still
skating and they are not particular whether
the pastime is associated with marble or
mahogany.
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY PRESS-AGENT--One who presages or foretells.
See LYRE.
FRIDAY
SATURDAY (1868) Barnum's Museum in New York destroyed
by fire. Parkhurst, Carrie Nation,
Dowie, and Anthony Comstock saved.
MARCH
It is said that nothing is impossible; but there are lots of
people doing nothing every day.
ODD FACTS
Eve did not use face powder.
* * * * *
Methuselah developed peculiarities as he grew old. It is
said that he never paid a telephone or gas bill.
* * * * *
Samson had his whims. He never went into vaudeville.
* * * * *
Noah never cared to take the children to see the animals at
the circus.
* * * * *
Goliath was another who thought he had one good fight left
in him.
* * * * *
Christopher Columbus did not go on the lecture platform to
tell of his travels.
* * * * *
Napoleon always played solitaire before going into a battle;
he couldn't run the deck out, and it made him so angry he
just had to lick somebody.
* * * * *
Euclid invented geometry rather than design dress patterns
for his wife.
* * * * *
Socrates was henpecked, and was one of the greatest
philosophers in the world--but the rule does not hold good
any longer.
[Sidenote: _Weather Sign_: A spoony pair under an umbrella
is a sign of a rain beau.]
[Sidenote: _To Cure a Morning Headache_: Be a little more
abstemious the night before.]
[Illustration]
SUNDAY
MONDAY (1875) First train ran through the Hoosac
Tunnel. Hobson too young to be present.
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (1793) Washington D. C. named in honor of
Washington deceased.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY It was in this month that S. N. Akes left
Ireland. Located in Bellevue Hospital, N. Y.
SATURDAY
MARCH
When you see a man pushing a baby carriage, it is a sign
that he has trouble before him.
SPRING, GENTLE SPRING
One life-size morning nearly six thousand years ago Jubal
sat outside of dear old Eden, whanged his harp and warbled
the following:
"Gentle Spring has come at last,
So keep your furnace fires full blast!"
* * * * *
It was thus that Spring was invented, also the first Spring
poet. But why Spring should appeal to humanity as a season
of romance, no one who gives this problem serious thought
can imagine.
* * * * *
It was in the Spring that poor old Adam first had to work,
and from that time on we have had that tired feeling in the
Spring. (See footnote.)
* * * * *
It was also in the Spring that Eve wearied of her fig-leaf
toque. She stuck a couple lyre bird tails in one side, three
lotos buds in the other, and that settled it. Ever since man
has had to hustle in the Spring to get his wife a new hat.
(See footnote.)
* * * * *
It was in the Spring that Cain moved. That became a habit
with humanity and knocked more romance out of Spring.
* * * * *
FOOTNOTE--Also Summer, Autumn, and Winter.
[Sidenote: _Cheese Hint_: Keep Limburger cheese closely
confined under glass until it ceases to struggle.]
[Sidenote: _To Cure Homesickness_: Think how you would have
to be mowing the lawn or tending the furnace if you were
there.]
[Illustration: Now what's to become of the Milky Way.]
SUNDAY A stuffed stork is the best stork.
--Mrs. Grundy.
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY Do not pay any bills to-day. Your creditors
may die during the night.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY If there is ice on the ground do not try to
go barefoot.
SATURDAY
MARCH
The text which bids a man love his neighbor as himself makes
no mention of said neighbor's wife.
GEOGRAPHICAL NOTES
The principal river of Egypt is the Nile. Its smaller
tributaries are the juveniles.
The capital of Ireland seems destined to have the largest
population of any city in the world. It's D'ublin, every
year.
The United States are best for married people.
Americans are noted for being fond of jokes. Their country
was originally named for A-merry-cus. (Vespucchi.)
When the flood subsided it is probable that Noah and his
family landed in the vicinity of Little Rock, for we are
given to understand that he came forth from the Ark-an'-saw
land.
Those who say that constancy is not a feminine quality
should note how long Mrs. Sippi and Miss Souri have been
running together without separating.
* * * * *
THE MEAN THING!
Some mean old maid, without a doubt,
Who'd never tasted bliss,
Was first to start that lie about
The microbes in a kiss.
[Sidenote: _Wedding Hint_: The minister ties the knot; time
and lawyers may prove it to be a slipknot.]
[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: To cure a sluggish disposition,
run up against a real prize fighter.
[Illustration]
]
[Illustration]
SUNDAY
MONDAY (3544 B.C.) Public library opened at Athens.
No string.
TUESDAY (1725) Order of the Bath reorganized by
George I.--Water, soap, towel.
WEDNESDAY (5381 B.C.) Birth of Ananias, first special
newspaper correspondent.
THURSDAY (1670) Bees brought from England to Boston.
Many politicians stung.
FRIDAY
SATURDAY About this time there will be some more weather.
MARCH
One touch of liver makes the whole world ill.
"A TAKE OFF"
[Illustration]
Cling to your winter flannels
Till well along toward June,
For many a one is taken off
By taking them off too soon.
ADVERTISEMENTS
_Academics, Colleges, Conservatories, Reform Schools, Etc._
BE A STREET PAVER
_THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS_
_are made yearly in the Paving_
_Department of your home city_
_ARE YOU GETTING ANY OF IT??_
We make you an experienced street paver
by mail without interrupting present occupation.
Lesson VI--"How to Graft under a Reform
Administration," alone worth entire cost of course.
Begin now and be ready for your next City Election.
UNITED STATES CORRESPONDENCE
COLLEGE OF MUNICIPAL
OPPORTUNITIES
_P. O. Box 232323_ _Chelsea, Mass._
[Sidenote: _Antiquity of Ready-to-Wear Clothing_: Eve's
dress was the first truly "out-of-sight" costume,
"fig"-uratively speaking.]
[Sidenote: _Poultry Note_: Roosters are rather hard to
manage, but hens lay wherever they are put.]
[Illustration]
SUNDAY
MONDAY Was it not about April 1st that the Laird of
Skibo declared he would give away real money
instead of libraries?
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY Noah born. Noah first taught the race how wise
a thing it is to lay up something for a rainy
day. He laid up an ark.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (64) Roman citizens conspire to fire Nero.
SATURDAY (64) Nero fires Rome.
APRIL
Umbrellas cover a multitude of thieves.
HINTS TO AMATEUR GARDENERS
In the spring look after your potatoes carefully. Have their
eyes examined by a good oculist, and provide spectacles for
such as need them.
* * * * *
Never string your beans till they are old enough to
understand it. If you begin too early, they are apt to lose
their temper.
* * * * *
Don't attempt to graft your pie-plants. Many have tried
grafting a custard to a mince, in the hope that the brandy
in the latter would assimilate with the custard and make a
Tom and Jerry, but it never works.
* * * * *
Before planting your punkins, carefully remove the punk.
* * * * *
If you have any difficulty harvesting the fruit of your
boot-tree, use a boot-jack.
* * * * *
Owing to the well-known fact that the mongoose is the deadly
foe of snakes, it is thought that the best way to
exterminate them from your garden is to cultivate the
mon-gooseberry. Try it.
* * * * *
The mint-julep does not belong to the tulip family, although
the latter has a strong affinity for it.
[Sidenote: _Gardening Note_: Instead of buying expensive
fertilizer for the garden, use some of last year's "popular"
magazines.]
[Sidenote: _April_: derived from the Latin A p e r i o,
meaning _I open_, hence Eye-opener, or Easter opening.]
[Illustration]
SUNDAY
MONDAY Andrew Carnegie was stung by the kissing
bug in Atlanta, Ga.
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY Great commotion in the monkey cage at Central
Park. Brander Matthews and Handy Skinegie
overheard talking Esperanto.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY
SATURDAY All is not so that's said.
--White House Maxim.
APRIL
When you see a girl in a very _chic_ gown you may be sure
her father had to shell out.
AN APRIL PASTEL
There is no better spring month in which to move than April.
Look among your papers and if you don't find a rent receipt
for March you will know that it's your move. Plant an elm
tree on Arbor day--it may grow up to be the tree under which
Gen. Washington stopped to rest when he was pursuing the
British--who knows! The farmer will do well to apply
fertilizer to his land this month. There is no better
fertilizer on the market than Limburger cheese. It costs
considerable, but a little of it will inoculate a large
area.
* * * * *
EXTRACT FROM AN OFFICE-BOY'S DAIRY
8 a.m. Hired.
11 a.m. Tired.
12 m. Fired.
[Sidenote: _Spring Hints_:
A little spring in a bed is good.
A little spring near the house is better.
A little spring in a poem is the limit.]
[Illustration: Push those clouds away. He's not the only one
with a first quarter. Aw you know me.]
SUNDAY
MONDAY The indictment is mightier than the charity
contribution. --Trust Proverbs.
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (1716) Public bank founded in Massachusetts.
Geological deposits refused.
THURSDAY (1856) Condensed milk first made in Connecticut.
Price of milk-weed goes up.
FRIDAY (1659) Cromwell resigned his protectorate.
(1905) Taft got off the "lid."
SATURDAY
APRIL
Most things are good when they're new. Men and violins don't
get good till they're old.
GARDEN AND FARMING HINTS:
Black-eyed Susan, Sweet William, and Johnny-Jump-Up will not
grow in a garden built for two. Either William or John must
be weeded out.
* * * * *
Silk hose are preferable to rubber when raising Ladies'
Slippers.
* * * * *
Trumpet vines grow fast on automobiles.
* * * * *
Young ladies at summer resorts should cultivate Bachelor's
Buttons; with care they may be grafted into Bridal Roses.
* * * * *
Many an Ox-eyed Daisy proves a Snapdragon after picking.
* * * * *
Wild Oats sown in second childhood are reaped by the next
generation.
* * * * *
Snowballs and highballs both fade away in hot weather.
* * * * *
It's a deep-rooted crop of weeds that the muck rake won't
loosen.
* * * * *
Very young men give their attention to the cultivation of
Widow's Weeds; men of an older growth prefer to watch the
Tender Buds bloom.
[Sidenote: _Rainy Day Advice_: To pick out your umbrella
from among a number of better ones: take the best one--it's
yours.
[Illustration]]
[Illustration: Our last quarter.]
SUNDAY
MONDAY Harvard University founded--the oldest
institution of foot-ball and accidental learning
in America.
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY (1895) Elbert Hubbard had his hair cut.
Wise Elbert Hubbard
Went to his cupboard
To get the poor world a thought,
But when he got there
The cupboard was bare
And so the poor world got naught.
FRIDAY
SATURDAY
APRIL
If you can fool half the people all the time, that's good
enough; don't be a hog.
HELPFUL HINT FOR APRIL
Have you ever thought how much money you waste in paying
rent? Now that you are about to sign a new lease, it is time
to ponder this subject. Say you pay $50 a month rent. That
is $600 a year. Think! If you should pay rent for two
thousand years you would waste as much money as Pierpont
Muchgain makes on a little deal in railroads of a dull
afternoon.
* * * * *
KEEPING LENT
Jones borrowed my umbrella.
I now know what he meant
When he said it was his custom
To religiously keep lent.
[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: For that tired feeling take a good
doze of sleep.]
[Sidenote: _To Make the World Brighter_: Use hope and
soap.]
[Illustration]
SUNDAY It's not the loss of life makes death bitter,
it's the obituaries. --D. Ceest.
MONDAY
TUESDAY (1901-'02-'03-'04-'05-'06, etc.) A large
large section of the coal miners of
Pennsylvania struck because the operators
used non-union-made tooth powder.
[Illustration]
(1906) Kentucky went prohibition by a tremendous
minority.
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY
FRIDAY
SATURDAY
APRIL
The wind may be tempered to the shorn lamb, but the wolf
gets equal benefit, just the same.
FORECAST FOR MAY
From the 1st to the 10th spring house-cleaning will take
place. Look out for soft soap on the stairs. Meals will be
served to gentlemen down town. There is no place like home
during spring house-cleaning--this is why home is so
generally avoided during that period.
* * * * *
From the 10th to the 20th buds will burst with deafening
reports and the grass will do some fancy shooting.
* * * * *
From the latter date to the end of the month people will
discard their woolens for pneumonia.
* * * * *
The zodiacal sign for May is Gemini, or twins. If you see a
stork skulking about your residence, shoot it. May is an
open month on storks.
[Sidenote: _Gardening Note_: If you sow wild oats you are
likely to reap a crop of "tares."]
[Sidenote: _To Break a Will_--See a lawyer.]
[Sidenote: _To Break a Bill_--See a doctor.]
[Sidenote: _To Break a Till_--See a burglar.]
[Illustration: Those stars hold the stage. Take yer hat
off.]
SUNDAY
MONDAY (1906) Congress decided, after a long and heated
discussion, that only filtered water
should be used in the Panama Canal.
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (1906) Ruth St. Denis, bare of waist and limbs,
wins approval of Boston society by
outdoing Little Egypt.
THURSDAY (1906, next day) Pure-minded society people of
Boston refuse to admit Maxim Gorky and
his near-wife.
FRIDAY
SATURDAY "You can fool all of the people some of the time
and some of the people all of the time."
--From the Diary of &ru Carnage.
MAY
Many of Cupid's matches are scratched in the divorce
court.
HELPFUL HINT FOR MAY
The careful wife and mother will find a most excellent plan
for utilizing a spring bonnet of the vintage of 1906 will be
to tell her husband that she will make it do another season.
Then manage to be out in the rain with it on, and with no
umbrella. Further instruction is unnecessary.
* * * * *
TIMELY HINTS
A great many cows come in fresh in May. If you have a good
calf, wear open-work hose and don't be ashamed to show it on
a rainy day. Plant beans, pumpkins, and squashes about May
20th, but don't mix the seed. This is also a good month to
set hens on door-knobs, and old ink-bottles, thus playing a
great joke on the hens.
[Sidenote: _Street Car Hint_: If a person walks on your
right foot kick a person with your left.]
[Sidenote: LEGERDEMAIN _Note_: To make a five-dollar note
look like 30 cents, blow it.]
[Illustration]
SUNDAY
MONDAY (33 B.C.) Antony establishes a divorce colony
in Egypt.
TUESDAY (1906) U.S. Senators played a farce entitled
"Who's a Liar," by Pitchrake Tillman,
to crowded houses.
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (996) Clocks, giving good time, invented by
Gebert, Benedictine monk.
(Same year) Benedictine, giving good time,
invented by same monks.
SATURDAY
MAY
Where ignorance is bliss it is blister to be wise.
HOW TO GET RICH
Getting rich is a simple matter if one goes about it right.
If you will deposit one penny in the bank on the first day
of the month and double each deposit each day thereafter,
until the end of the month (30 days), you will find yourself
rich beyond the dreams of avarice. Thus:--
----------------------+---------
DEPOSIT | DAYS OF
| MONTH
----------------------+---------
.01 | 1
.02 | 2
.04 | 3
.08 | 4
.16 | 5
.32 | 6
.64 | 7
1.28 | 8
2.56 | 9
5.12 | 10
10.24 | 11
20.48 | 12
40.96 | 13
81.92 | 14
163.84 | 15
327.68 | 16
655.36 | 17
1,310.72 | 18
2.621.44 | 19
5,242.88 | 20
10,485.76 | 21
20,971.52 | 22
41,943.04 | 23
83,886.08 | 24
167,772.16 | 25
335,544.32 | 26
671,088.64 | 27
1,342,177.28 | 28
2,684,354.56 | 29
5,368,709.12 | 30
-------------- |
Total, $10,737,418.23 |
The reason more people do not succeed in this Get-Rich-Quick
scheme is that they become discouraged when they get about
75 cents in bank and give it up.
[Sidenote: _Society Hint_: Even if you can't get into "Who's
who in America," you can get into the Telephone Book, and it
costs lots more.]
[Illustration: Darn that ram.]
SUNDAY
MONDAY (1867) Russia thought she was selling United
States a gold brick in Alaska.
(1894) Gold brick proved 24 carat; Russia
heartbroken.
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (1796) Napoleon weds Josephine, hoping his
troubles will be little ones.
(1809) Napoleon divorces Josephine. Great trouble
being his troubles were not little ones.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (1887) Congress passed the anti-polygamy bill.
Great anxiety at Newport.
SATURDAY
MAY
Beauty may be only skin deep, but the average observer does
not see below the skin.
MATERIA MEDICA
When Willie was young he cried for Mayoria.
When Willie grew older he sought Governoria.
When Willie woke up he'd lost his donoria.
Now Willie is dead: they gave him Castoria.
SCHOOLS ADVERTISEMENTS ACADEMIES
COLLEGES STUDIOS
[Illustration]
CAN YOU DRAW THIS?
IF SO, YOU CAN DRAW ANYTHING
_MICHAEL ANGELO and C. D. GIBSON_
_make large sums of money drawing pictures_
WHY NOT YOU?
_We teach Drawing by mail and will make_
_you a Great Artist in six easy lessons_
ADDRESS
Imperial Correspondence Institute
of the Fine Arts
P. O. Box 232323 CHELSEA, MASS.
[Sidenote: _A Feat in Contortion_: To make both ends meet
on $8 per week.]
[Sidenote: _Farm Hint_: Make the sled runners of slippery
elm.]
[Illustration]
SUNDAY
MONDAY (1305) Dante's "Inferno" first noted description
of hell.
(1906) Upton Sinclair's "Jungle" a close second.
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (1540) Gomera planned Panama Canal.
(1640) The Dutch took it up--then laid it down.
THURSDAY (1879) DeLesseps tries it, but gets snarled up
in the Muck Rake.
(1906) Work progressing as rapidly as hot air
will allow.
FRIDAY
SATURDAY
MAY
There's many a slip 'twixt the stock and the tip.
FORECAST FOR JUNE
From the 1st to the last will be marked by mosquito showers.
From the 11th to the 18th weddings will exceed divorces,
followed by thunder and lightning. From June 18th to June
30th ice-cream sodas will be in the ascendancy. On June 21st
the sun reaches the most northerly point in the Zodiac and
enters the constellation of Cancer. Cancer is the sign for
June. Cancer is an old sign and something that ought to be
cut out.
* * * * *
SIDELIGHTS ON SCIENCE
If all the oceans should evaporate they would leave a
deposit of 235 feet of salt. This, it is estimated, would
salt enough pretzels to supply the world for several years.
* * * * *
It is claimed that if the power concealed in the sting of a
hornet could be harnessed and utilized in commercial
channels, it would lower the cost of transportation by a
good many per cent.
* * * * *
An interesting experiment for little boys is to go into the
dimly lit parlor where the big sister and her young man are
sitting. Do not shuffle the feet or make any noise, and you
will see a spark.
* * * * *
A hen will lay 200 eggs a year. A mosquito will lay
200,000,000 in one short summer. Are you gladder that hens
are not mosquitoes, or that mosquitoes are not as big as
hens?
[Sidenote: _Hotel Hint_: No first class inn will permit
guests to indulge in such undignified gymnastics as running
through the corridors, or jumping board bills.]
[Sidenote: _Seasonable Advice_: Look out for the open work
lawn hose and accompanying shower baths.]
[Illustration]
SUNDAY (1906) Czar gives three minutes of his time
in a talk to put the Douma down and out.
Douma gives all its time to blow Czar up
and out.
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY May 7--Cannon's boom set off by speech from
Uncle Joe--Presidential Bee taking terrible
risk at Cannon's mouth.
FRIDAY If two wrongs do not make a right--how many
franchises make a wrong?
SATURDAY
JUNE
The man who is down is looking for the other fellow who
kicked out some rungs from the ladder of success.
LITTLE STUDIES IN NATURAL HISTORY
_The Secretary-bird, or Loebriole._
This little creature belongs to the "Knowitall" class and
has no fear, often perching on the "Big Stick" itself. His
distinguishing characteristic is a thick oak board where
most birds wear tail-feathers. He only sings when there is a
storm coming, and then his song has a plaintive note as he
warbles "Ki-yi, blame it on me."
* * * * *
_How to Make Credit Grow._
Select a choice "bluff." Prepare this carefully, for the
size of the credit depends entirely upon the general
appearance of the bluff. When you think the bluff is strong
enough, take it to a bank. If it goes there, you will have
no further trouble. Your credit is now ready to transplant.
Should it begin to droop, give it a check. Be careful not to
use too many, for the proper use of the credit-plant is to
enable its owner to live without money.
[Illustration]
[Sidenote: _Fashion Note_: It is no longer good form to
serenade young ladies. If you wish to win their favor, toot
an automobile horn.]
[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: For "Seeing things" at night try a
Welsh Rarebit.]
[Illustration]
SUNDAY (1905) Russo-Jap peace treaty at Portsmouth,
N. H.--Japanese description of
Portsmouth, "A mos' honorable plaze
where they dispenz mos' dizhonorable
liquor!"
MONDAY
TUESDAY (2000 B.C.) Proverbs invented by Solomon, who
gazed upon his wives and exclaimed,
"Variety is the spice of life!"
P.S.--Adam couldn't say this because he
was handicapped.
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY (1258) "Mad Parliament" meets.
(1906) Congress "mad," still in session.
FRIDAY
SATURDAY If a man tells you that he "had darned hard
work getting out of bed this morning," the
chances are that the bed was a folding one.
JUNE
Woman's love is chaotic; man's idiotic.
DECKLE-EDGE FRECKLES
Summer begins June 20. By this time your freckles ought to
have a good start.
* * * * *
Do you know what a freckle is, children? It is a
golden-brown splash on the northwest corner of a young
woman's nose, although her dearest friend says it is a
fright.
* * * * *
A freckle is the same to a druggist as a pipe line is to
Rockefeller--ready money and a lot of it.
* * * * *
One large deckle-edge freckle will cause a girl to buy nine
kinds of cold cream, a dozen lemons, a pint of three-ply
acid, and a gross of poudre-de-phiz every Saturday
afternoon.
* * * * *
All this gives vigor to the freckle.
[Sidenote: _Incendiary Warning_: To save money from
fire,--don't burn it.]
[Sidenote: _Etiquette Query_: Is the game worth the
scandal?]
[Illustration]
SUNDAY
MONDAY About a year ago the Ground 'og cast a shadow
in Packingtown.
What's the answer?
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (1904) It was reported that Cassie Chadwick
and 'Lijah Dowie had formed a Confidence
Trust, whereupon Madam Bartrand prayed
the Interstate Commerce Commission to
issue an injunction against them under
the plea of restraint of trade. The
injunction was issued, and withdrawn
later when the Supreme Court decided
that confidence was too universal to be
made the basis of a monopoly.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY
SATURDAY
JUNE
The poet associates his larks with high heaven; the realist
associates his larks with high-balls.
RAISING CORN
Great care should be exercised in raising corn, especially
the variety _Johnus Barley-cornicus_. This may be raised
with either hand. Some superstitious agriculturists believe
in the efficacy of a simple incantation to be used in the
act of raising this variety, such as "Here's how!" "Over the
hot sands!" etc.
[Illustration]
This kind has never been known to fail in getting to a head.
"Kernels" of Barleycorn originated in Kentucky.
[Sidenote: _Pest Note_: If troubled with Junebugs try
sweeping the cobwebs out of the attic; if troubled with
aunts close up the house and go to the country.]
[Illustration]
SUNDAY
MONDAY (390 B.C.) Rome saved by the cackling of geese.
(1905) Reputations ruined by the cackling of
Alexander and Hyde.
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (1906) T. Roosevelt decided to write no more
magazine articles, except for the
Congressional Record.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (1876) Alexander Graham Bell invented the
telephone.
(1877) American Humorists invented the
telephone girl.
SATURDAY
JUNE
Many a woman prefers a love of a hat to the love of a
husband.
HOW TO PLANT A BEER GARDEN
Now is the time for the ruddy faced beer gardener to lay out
his beer garden. First procure a license and a few nice
rustic chairs and tables. Next extract the seeds from a
couple of seedy old suits and get your wife to sew them.
Your barber will gladly supply you with cuttings, or, if you
have the chance, unscrew a dozen or so bulbs from some
healthy young electric light plant.
* * * * *
With ordinary summer weather you should soon have a blooming
fine lot of Anheuser bushes. As soon as the "buds" begin to
pop, pack the roots with ice. Care should be taken to keep
the plants from drying out.
* * * * *
Bottle flies, while annoying, do no real injury to the
plant, and a judicious use of fly-paper will hold them in
check.
* * * * *
In weeding, the beer gardener should be careful to
distinguish between true widow's weeds and grass widow's
weeds. The latter not only add color and beauty to the
garden, but also give life to the plant.
* * * * *
Beer was never worn so much or used so extensively for
interior decoration as it is today. There is a ready market
for it at five cents a small bunch, and with intelligent
grafting the bearing of the plant can be increased tenfold.
[Sidenote: _THERMOMETER ECONOMY_: This is the best time to
buy thermometers. They cost no more than during the winter
months and contain more than twice as much mercury.]
[Illustration: Doth see me freckles. Look pleasant please.]
SUNDAY
MONDAY (858 B.C.) Sardanapulus dies on a bier 400 feet
high. Great envy among the thirsty.
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY July 4th is a great day for those who love to
tell us that "all men are created free and
equal;" it is also a great day for other Fourth
of Juliars.
FRIDAY
SATURDAY (1839) John D. Rockefeller born.
"First in the wells, first in the pipes,
first in the lamps of his countrymen."
JULY
Never look a gift mule in the hind leg.
HELPFUL HINT FOR JULY
The best authorities agree that it is inadvisable to attach
a pack of lighted firecrackers to the tail of the household
cat--without first making sure that the insurance policy on
the house has been placed in a cold storage vault. A cat
loves its favorite corner when it is mentally disquieted.
_ADVERTISEMENTS_
ARTISTS' MATERIALS, PAINTS, BRUSHES, ETC.
[Illustration]
_I GILD MY OWN BRICKS_
LITTLE GEM BRICK
GILDING OUTFIT
IS A BOON TO FARMERS
Buy the Outfit and be your
own Confidence Man, thus
enjoying all the pleasures
of being buncoed without
leaving The Old Home
[Sidenote: _Carving Note_: A chicken neck served to a guest
is "the most unkindest cut of all."]
[Illustration: Our last quarter.]
SUNDAY (1906) Lucrezia Borgia rose to assert that she
never used embalmed beef at her banquets.
MONDAY
TUESDAY (1586 B.C.) Nebuchadnezzar saw the handwriting
on the wall.
(1906) John D. Rockefeller sailed for Europe.
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY (1905) New song published by Cassie Chadwick,
"I've worked every one but father."
FRIDAY
SATURDAY Boy, gun,
Joy, fun.
Gun bust.
Boy dust.
JULY
Friendship is between men a convenience; between women, a
commodity.
HINTS ON DRESS
Parasols should be carried on Sun-day.
* * * * *
Persons attending services in poorly heated churches are
justified in making a cloak of their religion.
* * * * *
Eton jackets may be worn at the dinner table.
* * * * *
Silks with watered effects are popular with milkmen's wives.
* * * * *
The smart set is devoting a good deal of attention of late
to the costuming of house dogs. Embroidered blankets during
the winter and short pants during the hot summer weather are
quite popular.
* * * * *
Shrinkable dress-patterns should always be sponged before
they are made up, but the custom of putting an overcoat in
"soak" after it has been worn awhile is still followed by
gentlemen who are financially embarrassed.
[Sidenote: _Advice to Wives_: It is better to let your
husband bring a friend home to dinner than it is to have a
friend bring him home after dinner.]
[Illustration]
SUNDAY
MONDAY (1896) A bas Dreyfus!
(1906) Vive le Dreyfus!
TUESDAY (1840) First Cunarder arrives in Boston.
P.S.--Do not confound with canard, which
arrived with Boston to remain always.
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY HONOR TO WHOM, ETC.
We're all of us selfishly slow to confess
How much others aid us in winning success;
But the Fourth of July and the Oyster must see
How stupid, without any Crackers, they'd be.
FRIDAY
SATURDAY
JULY
Many a Glad Hand turns out to be The Hook.
SIGNS OF THE ZODIAC
(Recent Interpretations)
AQUARIUS, the waterman, indicating what many a man becomes
on the first of January.
* * * * *
PISCES, the fishes, indicating that by February he begins to
be just as thirsty.
* * * * *
ARIES, the ram, indicating that in March he begins to
meditate on the virtues of bock beer.
* * * * *
TAURUS, the bull, indicating that by April his disposition
is surly and it's a toss-up whether he really remains a
waterman.
* * * * *
GEMINI, the twins, indicating the result of the toss-up and
how he feels toward his fellowman in May.
* * * * *
CANCER, the crab, indicating the backward interest with
which he listens to his wife's plans for the summer.
(_Continued on next left-hand page._)
[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: For a turned ankle--a nicely
turned feminine ankle--a low shoe, a short skirt, and a
drop-stitch stocking are recommended.]
[Illustration]
SUNDAY
MONDAY (1851) Vigilance Committee organized in San
Francisco.
(1906) Order of Muck-rakers established in
Washington.
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (1525 B.C.) Pharaoh's daughter finds Moses in
the Bull-rushes.
(1906 A.D.) Roosevelt finds a "joker" in the
meat bill.
THURSDAY INFINITUDE!
Man looks at the stars and with wonder unspeakable
He thinks on their source which he knows is unseekable:
He asks who designed all the planets so beautiful,
But no one has ever unscrewed the unscrutable.
FRIDAY
SATURDAY
JULY
An earthquake is not what it is cracked up to be.
SIGNS OF THE ZODIAC
(_Continued_)
LEO, the Lion, indicating the state of mind with which in
July he agrees with them.
* * * * *
VIRGO, the Virgin, indicating that in August he usually
hears of his daughter's engagement.
* * * * *
LIBRA, the scales, indicating that in September various
interested persons weight his family's summer enjoyments and
send him the bills.
* * * * *
SCORPIO, the scorpion, indicating the state of mind with
which he pays them in October.
* * * * *
SAGITTARIUS, the archer, indicating some fine shooting on
the part of his conscience toward the end of November.
* * * * *
CAPRICORNUS, the goat, indicating what he feels like as he
decides that next year shall be different.
[Sidenote: _A Milk Pointer_: Milkmen, too, have their
troubles. If they do not water their cows, or if they do
water their milk, somebody has the law on them.
[Illustration]
]
[Illustration: Those stars hold the stage. Take yer hat
off.]
SUNDAY
MONDAY (1852) Crystal palace opened at New York.
Next week--New York people discover they cannot
live in glass houses.
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (1841) London Punch first issued.
Same week--Great Gloom settles over London.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (1906) Secretary Taft visits Greenville, S. C.,
and opens campaign.
Same date--Democrats of "Solid South" gaze at
Taft in dismay and exclaim, "We are lost, we
had no idea the Republican party was so large!"
SATURDAY
JULY
Matches are made in heaven--they don't need 'em in the other
place.
REPORT TO THE SECRETARY OF WAR
_on the Russo-Japanese War by Gen. Buzfuz, U. S. A._
The war was contrary to all rules of warfare adopted by
civilized nations because:
1. It was not started by a newspaper.
2. The scene of operations was not laid near a fashionable
resort.
3. Photographers and correspondents were not allowed to
inspect the officers' wardrobes.
4. There was no San Juan Hill.
5. The officers gave no afternoon teas, dinners, or balls.
6. The officers looked after their commands instead of
writing magazine articles.
7. The soldiers were fed real food.
8. Thousands upon thousands of soldiers were killed.
9. The ships sunk in the naval battle were sunk in deep
water.
10. No great scandal arose from the purchase of food,
clothing, or ammunition.
11. No newspaper or magazine controversy has been started
over who won the battles.
[Sidenote: _Political Note_: Politicians are bought, not
made.]
[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: Persons too serious to take a joke
should take a vacation.]
[Illustration: Don't see the freckles. Look pleasant
please.]
SUNDAY
MONDAY (1886) Dumb piano invented by Virgil.
Rejoicing in Harlem.
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY (1547) Silk stockings first worn by Henry II
of France. Rainy days become popular.
FRIDAY The woman who wears a short bathing skirt is
not necessarily immodest. She may be the wife
of a popular magazine editor and cultivate
exposure because she has caught the habit.
--Supton Eclair.
AUGUST
No successful business man ever spends his own money.
USEFUL FARM HINTS
Take good care of the farm tools. A crow-bar, if carefully
housed when not in use, may, at a hundred years of age be
just as pry as ever.
* * * * *
The man who sells six onions for a nickel cannot thrive,
For all can see that no one ought to give six scents
for five.
* * * * *
In delivering a chair to the repairman to bottom he should
be made to give a re-seat for it.
* * * * *
Feed the pigs well. A pig resembles a tree in one respect.
It is by his root that he survives.
* * * * *
Farmers should encourage song birds to nest about the
premises, but the lay of the hen must still bring them the
most substantial delight.
* * * * *
It is when the farmer sees his fine crop maturing that he
feels like singing, "In this wheat by and by."
* * * * *
In working about a mule that kicks, it should be remembered
that his head-quarters are not his real business end.
[Sidenote: _Advice on Care of Your Rubber Plant_: A Turkish
Bath Factory needs constant attention to make it pay.]
[Illustration]
SUNDAY
MONDAY (1906) Boston Convention of Flies pass vote of
thanks to John B. Moran for removing
screens from hotel windows.
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY "The greatest blessing of all is that I am no
longer kept awake nights by persons who are
making modern improvements."
--Robinson Crusoe.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (1066) William prepares to invade England with
696 ships and 60,000 men.
(1906) Alice prepares to invade England with
696 trunks and 1 man.
SATURDAY
AUGUST
A woman wears a veil for the same reason that distance lends
enchantment.
HELPFUL HINTS FOR AUGUST
A cabbage leaf in the hat is an excellent means of keeping
the head cool. The experiment is more successful if on top
of the cabbage leaf you will place about two handfuls of
chipped ice, renewing it as fast as it melts, and you might
try sipping something from a high glass decorated with mint
leaves--sipping it through a straw is favored by many
eminent practitioners at the bar.
* * * * *
A BREAD AND MILK COW
The farmer with a Jersey cow
Can live as fine as silk
For he has got, you must allow,
His thorough-bred and milk.
[Illustration]
[Sidenote: _A Hint on Luck_: A Lucky-piece is a good mascot;
a piece of luck is the real thing.]
[Sidenote: _Fashion Hint_: With peek-a-boo waist and short
sleeves, a woman must wear her heart in her hand-bag.]
[Illustration: Push those clouds away. He's not the only one
with a first quarter. Aw you know me.]
SUNDAY
MONDAY (449) "Robbers' Synod" held at Ephesus.
(1908) Extra session of Congress held at
Washington.
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY Do not take this day off. It is a "dog day"
and he may want it.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (697) The Venetians elect their first doge.
(1906) The beef packers try their last dodge.
SATURDAY
AUGUST
A girl in a hammock is worth two in a corps de ballet.
APPROPRIATE SALUTATIONS
_To the fireman_: Go to blazes!
* * * * *
_To the butcher_: May you never make a miss-steak in your
endeavor to make both ends meat!
* * * * *
_To the baker_: May you always have the dough, not too much
crust, and the means to loaf whenever you wish to!
* * * * *
_To the spinster_: May you ever be the matchless but not the
mateless woman you are now!
* * * * *
_To the young physician_: May you wait, like Patience on a
monument, till finally you shall have lots of monuments on
your patients!
* * * * *
_To the seamstress_: May life always seam sew-sew in your
hemmysphere!
* * * * *
_To the dentist_: May you always enjoy a pull and be able to
fill many an aching void and long-felt want!
* * * * *
_To the poet_: May you have many more verses than reverses.
[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: Many are cold, but few are frozen.
[Illustration]
]
[Illustration]
SUNDAY A GREAT JAG
A man may think he's a terror to drink
When he really is nothing to brag on,
For it's true, we infer, that a big chestnut burr
Gets the awfullest, all-around jag on.
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (6,99,950 B.C.) Eve appears in a peek-a-boo
waist.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (1509) Henry VIII began to get married.
SATURDAY
AUGUST
A man admires a woman for what he thinks she is; a woman
admires a man for what she thinks he has.
HELPFUL HINT FOR SEPTEMBER
Excuse us, but we will not suggest any method for removing a
coat of tan. We are assured on the best authority that Alice
blue, radium gray, and fluorescent green will be the popular
shades this summer. However, if yours is a tan coat,
unbutton it and pull your arms out first; it will then come
off easily enough.
* * * * *
IS THE SUN INHABITED?
An astronomer from Indiana claims to have discovered that
the Sun is inhabited.
* * * * *
The Public will probably hoot at this just as it hooted at
Columbus when he said the Earth was round.
* * * * *
The Public also hooted at wireless telegraphy in its early
stages.
* * * * *
The Public is now hooting at the idea of airships ever
becoming common carriers.
* * * * *
The Sun may be inhabited, who knows?
* * * * *
This astronomer from Indiana may not be as buggy as he
really appears at first blush.
* * * * *
The Sun is hot, 'tis true, but Hell is also hot.
* * * * *
And Hell is inhabited.
[Sidenote: _Financial Note_: When in doubt, do the first one
you come across.]
[Sidenote: _Marine Note_: High rollers don't always come in
from the sea.]
[Illustration: Those stars hold the stage. Take yer hat
off.]
SUNDAY IT HEADS THE LIST
In a book showing all
Of the gowns great and small
Wives have worn since this old world begun,
That first dress of Eve's,
Which she fashioned of leaves,
Should be, properly, labeled "Fig. 1."
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY (1848) Patent issued for converting fine
coal into solid lumps.
(1906) Patent sought for converting fine
poetry into filthy lucre.
FRIDAY
SATURDAY
SEPTEMBER
It's a long lane that hides no lovers.
SIMPLE HOUSEHOLD RECIPES FOR VEGETARIANS
HAY A-LA-MODE
Take a pound of best timothy and soak it over night in fresh
brine. Peel carefully and place it in a vegetable ivory
saucepan. Add the yolk of an egg-plant and stir dreamily
over an electric-fan till it disappears. Serve it right.
* * * * *
NUT CUTLET
Procure two dozen new nuts from any hardware shop. Grind
them into a paste of about the consistency of the average
politician. Over this pour a little Standard Oil from which
the dividends have been removed, and stir briskly with a
subpoena till the oil begins to run; pour off, strain, and
beat the paste with an axe until it looks and tastes like a
veal cutlet.
* * * * *
IMITATION POTTED HARE
Take a false hare and pot it. This will be potted imitation
hare, to be used for decorative purposes only.
* * * * *
STEWED RUBBER PLANT
Cut the plant into rubber bands, add a pinch of rubber
cement and beat the whole mixture to beat the band until it
will stretch without breaking. This rule is elastic.
[Sidenote: _Ticker Note_: Bull movements are carefully
watched in Mexico and Spain.]
[Sidenote: _Fashion Note_: Many a hose is worn to be seen.]
[Illustration: It's always harvest time for me.]
SUNDAY (1,10,000 B.C.) Aphrodite born from the "foam
of the sea."
(1 A.D.) "Katzenjammer" born from the foam of
too many "schooners."
MONDAY
TUESDAY General opening of Public Schools.
General opening of Oysters.
WEDNESDAY (1777) Brandywine proves a bad mixture for the
colonial troops.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (Sept. 15, 1693) Public lotteries established
in England. Marriage encouraged.
SATURDAY
SEPTEMBER
That love is blind accounts for so many miscues.
HEALTH HINTS
To cure seasickness: Turn the entire system inside out and
hang it over the rail of the ship where the salt spray can
drench it. Under this treatment the patient is pretty sure
to feel somewhat relieved within a few days after the time
of going ashore.
* * * * *
Persons troubled with poor circulation should ascertain how
to increase the same by consulting the editor of their
favorite Sunday newspaper.
* * * * *
Weak respiration may be improved by a diet of onions. They
are highly recommended for strengthening the breath.
* * * * *
For insomnia try snoring, which is always a symptom of SOUND
sleep.
* * * * *
To prevent hay fever: Go not in the way of the kittenish
grass widow.
* * * * *
Care should be taken to prevent the occupants of the
penitentiary from getting the measles. It would make trouble
should they all break out at once.
[Sidenote: _Financial Note_: For "dust" in the house, ask
hubby.]
[Sidenote: _Art Note_: An artists' model is not necessarily
a model of good behavior.
[Illustration]
]
[Illustration]
SUNDAY
MONDAY (862 B.C.) Jonah took the first trip in a
submarine.
TUESDAY (753 B.C.) Romulus and Remus open a milk route.
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (1709) Pianoforte invented by Bartolommeo
Cristofori. His assassination soon
follows.
SATURDAY
SEPTEMBER
It is better to laugh at a joke you don't understand than to
weep over the efforts of your friend to explain it.
LITTLE STUDIES IN NATURAL HISTORY
_How to Trim Rich Relations._
This is a very dangerous and delicate operation as the
subjects can only be approached when they are asleep.
Provide yourself with a black-jack, a bottle of chloroform
and a sponge. About three in the morning enter the room
where the Richest Relation is sleeping. Going noiselessly to
the bed, hold the sponge saturated with chloroform above the
Richest Relation's nose. As his sleep becomes more profound,
lower the sponge, and finally, with a quick motion, jam it
in his mouth. Then strike his head with the black-jack,
using all your strength. Rich Relations are suspicious and
you cannot be too careful in business matters. This done,
cut out the gold, silver, or bills, from his pockets, and
any jewels or trinkets that you may find.
Note: In most cases it will not be necessary to kill the
subject before you can do the trimming.
[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: While sleeping it is best to lie
on the right side; also while awake.]
[Illustration: It's always harvest time for me. The trusts.]
SUNDAY (1629) First theater in America established in
Boston. Patti opened theater with first
farewell performance.
MONDAY
TUESDAY "The bathing dresses are very pretty, but I'm
sure I can't imagine where they buy such long
stockings."
--Aunt Mary's letter from the seashore.
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (1593) Anthony Comstock would have indicted
Shakespeare for writing Venus and Adonis.
SATURDAY
SEPTEMBER
Those who live in glass houses should conduct themselves
accordingly.
RARE RECIPES
_TO MAKE A LIVING_: To one old woman with money add
"soft-soap" to her taste. Sweeten with gush. Mix with a
wedding ceremony and shake quickly when you have her money.
[Illustration]
_TO MAKE ANGEL-FOOD_: Take a "peach" with red lips. Add a
shadynook. Sweeten with kisses. Serve in the moonlight.
* * * * *
_TO PRESERVE MONEY_: Take a roll of "yellow-backs" from
whoever has one. Mix with all the money you can borrow. Put
in a strong-box and let it stand till the police have
forgotten you. Repeat the process and cover with a prominent
part in church affairs.
[Sidenote: _Entomological Note_: In Washington the Katy-dids
now say Teddy did, Teddy didn't.]
[Sidenote: _Home Hint_: Servant girls should be picked early
this month. If picked green they often last the whole
winter. It is inadvisable to pick them too fresh.]
[Illustration]
SUNDAY (1296) Society of "Merchant Adventurers"
established by John, of Biabaut.
(1901) Steal Trust organized by Morgan, of
New York.
MONDAY
TUESDAY "One may write for the Ladies' Home Journal
without having to read it."
--Kudyard Ripling.
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY (15,001 B.C.) Venus explains platonic
friendship to Adonis.
FRIDAY
SATURDAY (575 B.C.) Horatius beat Lars Porsena at a
game of bridge.
OCTOBER
There's many a cup 'twixt the office and the ferry slip.
YOU NEVER CAN TELL
Sons of great men oft remind us
That no matter what our fame,
Offspring that we leave behind us
May be lobsters, just the same.
[Illustration: Stage Entrance.]
[Sidenote: _Economical Hint_: A good imitation of soapsuds
may be made by shaking a bottle of champagne and then
opening the bottle.]
[Illustration: Push those clouds away. He's not the only one
with a first quarter. Aw you know me.]
SUNDAY (1781) Battle of Eutaw.
(1906) W. C. T. U. tries to throw Smoot out of
the Senate.
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (673) Theodre, of England, calls first Council
of Bishops.
(1906) Theodore, of Washington, calls Council
of Muck-rakers.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY FIRST CANOE--Doesn't it make you tired to be
taken out by one of those fresh young men who
doesn't know how to paddle?
SECOND CANOE--Yes, it often quite upsets me.
SATURDAY
OCTOBER
There is some good in every heart, some rubber in every
neck.
HELPFUL HINT FOR OCTOBER
If you have carelessly left your ermine muff and neck-piece
where the moths have attacked it during the summer, an easy
and simple way to remedy the damage will be--but wait! Maybe
you haven't any ermine muff and neck-piece. Far be it from
us to touch a tender spot.
* * * * *
She--(very décolleté). How far do you think a girl ought to
go toward revealing the secrets of her heart?
He--(sizing her up). Well, I should say you'd gone about the
limit.
[Sidenote: _Footwear Advice_: Two empty bananas make a very
good pair of slippers.]
[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: There is no sure cure for
laziness, but a second wife may relieve it.]
[Illustration: Now what's to become of the Milky Way.]
SUNDAY There was a young man from St. Louis
Who'd eat nothing else but chop souis,
A habit he learned
When his medals he earned
In the fight at Manila with Douis!
MONDAY
TUESDAY (1196) Diet at Wurzburg--beer and pretzels.
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY "Half a suit of pajamas is better than no
nightie." --Hindoo Proverb.
FRIDAY
SATURDAY
OCTOBER
The easiest way to put a baby to sleep is the rockiest way.
TO THE GODDESS ON THE DOLLAR
Fair maid, how I have longed for thee,
That classic face of thine
I feared would never look on me,
Much less be wholly mine!
And now that thou art mine indeed--
In fact my last resource--
There comes, alas, through direful need,
The time for our divorce!
[Illustration]
[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: A good way to air your room is to
turn it wrong side out and hang it out the window.]
[Illustration: Doth see me freckles. Look pleasant please.]
SUNDAY A BUSINESS POINTER
"When I can read my title clear
To mansions in the skies,"
I will not care for riches here,
And cease to advertise.
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (1753) Popularity of "the" Pompadour at height.
(1906) Marcel wave in the ascendant.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (1558) Salters' company founded in London.
(1875) Hetty Green elected a 33d degree member.
SATURDAY
OCTOBER
The eye is the window of the soul.
The mouth is the subway of the face.
RECIPE FOR MAKING PUMPKIN PIE
THE KIND THAT MOTHER DIDN'T USED TO MAKE
(Copyrighted)
First get your pumpkin. Then kill it and skin it. Cut
pumpkin into small hunks with an axe. Boil the hunks. Boil
them some more. Continue to boil hunks until they become a
mucky gob. Unless you produce a mucky gob, the pie will be
lumpy. Add fresh picked eggs to common cow's milk. Beat the
eggs. They may be hard to beat, but beat them. Use a carpet
beater if necessary. Now pinch the salt and add the pinch.
Add a dash of cinnamon, add a few nutmegs (whole); these
will give the pie that rich, nutty flavor so much desired.
Add three-fourths cup of molasses. Do not add mustard--this
is not a mustard plaster, it is a pie. Now add this mixture
to the mucky gob. Stir until thoroughly mixed. Let stand
while you give your pie-pans a coat of crust. Then pour
mixture into pie-pans until they slop over. Place in a hot
oven. When you can't stick a fork into the pies, they are
done. Remove pies from oven and place on the back piazza to
cool. If the dog likes them, they're all right.
[Sidenote: _Etiquette Hint_: To remove a "sticking plaster,"
try yawning.
[Illustration]
]
[Illustration]
SUNDAY SUCH A JAIS!
There was a young man from Calais
Who saw a soubrette at a plais.
Her beauty all fled
When her make-up was shed,
And his idol proved nothing but clais!
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (60 B.C.) Cleopatra invents peek-a-boo waists.
(60 B.C.) Antony becomes first easy Marc.
(1906) Peek-a-boo waist is the pneumonia waist
in September.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY
SATURDAY
OCTOBER
The baby's favorite, often heard at night--a high-bawl in
A flat.
HELPFUL HINT FOR NOVEMBER
Do not put brandy in your mince pies. It spoils it--the
brandy, we mean.
We cannot speak too strongly against the pernicious habit of
doctoring mince meat with brandy. It lures men on. The first
baleful bite rouses the appetite, and soon they will be
eating mince pie after mince pie all day, and eventually be
laid up with indigestion. And even the aggressive clove
curls up and faints when ordered to disguise a mince pie
breath.
* * * * *
HOW TO GET RID OF THE GYPSY MOTH
First, climb the tree where he resides and carefully put him
in your hip pocket; then fall heavily to the ground, landing
on your back in such a manner as to disfigure the moth
permanently.
If he survives, circulate stories derogatory to gypsies
generally and he will leave of his own accord.
[Sidenote: _Horticultural Note_: This is a good month to get
a slip from an ice plant. Walk through it without rubbers.
[Illustration]
]
[Illustration: Those stars hold the stage. Take yer hat
off.]
SUNDAY EVOLUTION
"I'm not a beauty, I'll allow,"
Said the poor mule, lank and old,
"But I'm less of a jackass, anyhow,
Than my father was, I'm told."
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (1904) Prohibitionists nominated Swallow for
President. He went down easily.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (1905) Roosevelt discovered that he was
nominated June "23."
(1906) Roosevelt decides not to run for third
term.
SATURDAY
NOVEMBER
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and, according to all
accounts, it also has many other discomforts of home.
FAMILY TREES
Men are luckless farmers,
Their Family Trees will show,
For many who grafted Peaches
Are ruined by their Blow.
CANNED ADVERTISEMENTS HEAD
GOODS WEAR
_BRAINS MADE TO ORDER!_
Do your brains fit you? Are they of an
inferior quality? Do they make you a
living?
... USE ...
OLD DR. WISE'S BRAINS!
We have reached the highest perfection
point in the manufacture of brains and can
supply you with canned brains at reasonable
prices. Put up only in pints and quarts.
Prices on application.
BRAINS ON TRIAL!
Send us your name and we will ship you
direct a complete set of our brains on trial.
Use them 30 days and if, at the end of that
period, you find them not all we claim,
return them to us at our expense.
SECOND-HAND BRAINS TAKEN IN
EXCHANGE!
THE WISE GRAY
MATTER CO.
Boston, Mass.
[Sidenote: _Golf Rule_: If you strike your partner, while
driving, the stroke counts against him.]
[Sidenote: _Health Note_: To cure palpitation of the heart,
it is best to ask her at once and have it over with.]
[Illustration: Push those clouds away. He's not the only one
with a first quarter. Aw you know me.]
SUNDAY GENEALOGICAL NOTE
Any low-browed, brindle rooster
Can kerdoodle if he choose ter
And strut about and cackle, "Tra la la!"
But an incubator chicken
Hatched by steam's a mighty slick un'
If it's wise enough to recognize its ma.
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY (1640) Torture abolished in England.
(1906) Corsets still worn.
FRIDAY Law now off on certain fish. Get the hook.
SATURDAY
NOVEMBER
Home is where you are not allowed to sit on the sofa
pillows.
FORECAST FOR NOVEMBER
The period between the 1st and the 9th will be marked by
cold in the head and feet. To relieve cold feet bathe them
in hot water before retiring; if they're your wife's, do the
same. Another way to relieve cold feet is to get out of the
game. From the 9th to the 16th there will be hard sledding
for the poor and automobiling for the rich. Along the latter
part of the month there will be a wave of hot mince pie,
turkey, cranberry sauce, and other good things, followed by
headache in the northern portion and stomach-ache in the
southern portion.
* * * * *
Sagittarius (the Archer) is the sign in the Zodiac for
November. It is "Sag's" business to shoot any good weather
that shows itself above the skyline. Sometimes when "Sag" is
not looking the summer Indian sneaks through the picket
line.
[Sidenote: _Poultry Hint_: Time spent in trying to reform a
bad egg is time wasted.]
[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: Persons troubled with rheumatics
should avoid attic rooms, but those who have the "shingles"
can sleep on the roof.]
[Illustration]
SUNDAY METEORO-LOGICAL
MONDAY "One swallow does not make a summer,"
Still, 'tis clear to all
That swallows enough of the right sort of stuff
Are certain to make a fall.
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (1775) Washington's army, barefooted in the
snow at Valley Forge, swore that it
would, later on, whip the British
"out of their boots."
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (4004 B.C.) Popular songs invented by Adam, who
introduced "There's only one girl in the
world for me!"
SATURDAY
NOVEMBER
Circumstances open cases.
HOW TO VIEW AN ECLIPSE
To properly view an eclipse to its full, a party of several
good spirits should get together. Whether an eclipse of the
sun or the moon, each should take a glass and smoke it. A
great deal depends on the quality and character of the
glass. Some glasses are much more certain to reveal an
eclipse than are others.
* * * * *
If the first glass when properly smoked does not show the
eclipse, try another and a stronger one. It is very probable
that this glass will show the sun or the moon in the throes
of an eclipse. Still another glass will show two suns or two
moons. The third glass is likely to show several moons and
several suns, fixed stars and those that need fixing, comets
and milky ways, sky-rockets and pin-wheels, all combining to
eclipse the finest display of Fourth of July fireworks ever
projected by the mind of man.
* * * * *
And when the beholder of this mighty spectacle wakes up
during the afternoon of the following day and sees but one
simple unadorned sun doing business in the whole expanse of
the broad, blue heavens, he has a feeling of pity for all
those who retired early the night before and missed the
social, spiritual, and educative uplift that comes from
viewing an eclipse under just the proper conditions.
[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: Young ladies desiring more color
in their cheeks should try brushing the same with a two
days' growth of bristles on a masculine chin.]
[Illustration]
SUNDAY WHO DARES?
MONDAY Some men are brave, no doubt, in war,
But the iron-nerved rip-snorter
Is the fellow who rides in the sleeping-car
And refuses to tip the potter.
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (1890) Improved excelsior machines invented.
Same date--Breakfast food introduced.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (1828) Daniel O'Connell, elected to parliament,
refuses to take the oath.
Same date--First and only time on record a
politician ever refused to take anything.
SATURDAY
NOVEMBER
The man behind the man in front constitutes a pull, not a
push.
HELPFUL HINT FOR DECEMBER
Now, do not show your resentment toward those who forgot to
send you presents last Christmas. Send each of them a little
remembrance--but be sure to select something that will force
them to spend forty or fifty dollars to take care of it or
to surround it with the proper atmosphere. This is much
better than mailing a post card and letting it go at that.
NEAR EYES ADVERTISEMENTS SPECTACLES
FAR EYES EXTRAVAGANZAS
_EYES TESTED AT HOME_
[Illustration]
It is a deplorable fact that human
vision is falling below the normal
standard day by day. A great many
people weaken their eyes by looking
for work, others in trying to see a
joke where there is no joke.
Our patent home eye tester is
presented herewith. Why pay
good money to an oculist when you
can test your eyes yourself?
DIRECTIONS FOR USING EYE-TESTER
Hold black disc and parallel lines 18
inches in front of your eyes. Close
your eyes and look at diagram intently.
If, then, any one line in the diagram
seems to you to be more alike than any
other line, or if any one line looks to
be more parallel than two lines, you
ought to wear spectacles.
[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: Fatigued brain-workers desiring to
engage in some restful employment should try hair-dressing.
The barber does most of his head-work with his hands.]
[Sidenote: _Household Hint_: Do not mistake the cat for a
sofa pillow; those who sit on the cat, thinking she is a
cushion, will rise again.]
[Illustration: Our last quarter.]
SUNDAY A SACRED THOUGHT
"Oh, had I the wings of a dove!" sang she
And I thought (and I guess it was pat)
If she gets them, on next Sunday morning
we'll see
The two of them pinned on her hat.
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (1906) Terrible disaster throughout United
States--many magazines have hot-air
explosions, shattering scores of
reputations.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (1897) Thousands invest in Keeley motor stock.
(1898) Keeley motor discovered to be a fraud--
first Keeley cure on record.
SATURDAY
DECEMBER
All things come to him who goes after them.
FARMING IN ALASKA
It is encouraging to note that farming in our far Northwest
possessions is on the boom. [Note to printer--be careful not
to make "bum" out of "boom."] A bulletin issued by the
Agricultural Department of our government, just as we go to
press, shows that there are at present in Alaska 12 farms,
four oxen, 13 cows, 176 chickens, 10 pigs, several cases of
pneumonia and numerous games of "freeze-out." During the
fiscal year there was harvested in Alaska $165 worth of hay,
$95 worth of eggs and poultry, and a big crop of ice. There
are certain advantages of farming in Alaska. In harvest
time, for instance, a man never sweats at work. He markets
his milk frozen and sells it by the hunk. You never hear of
anybody crying over spilt milk in Alaska. It's the same way
with eggs--no cold storage needed; the eggs are frozen
before they are layed, thus retaining their fine, fresh
flavor until used. You never hear of an egg passing from the
sublime to the ridiculous stage in Alaska.
* * * * *
Farmers in Alaska plow with ice-picks and shoot the seed
into the soil with a double-barreled shotgun. The 12 farmers
in Alaska held a farmers' institute recently to talk over
prospects for the current year. Basing prospects on $165
worth of hay raised last year, they figure that if
conditions are favorable they will raise $175 worth this
year.
[Sidenote: _Culinary Note_: To pair potatoes, place them two
by two.]
[Sidenote: _Health Note_: For water on the brain try an
umbrella.]
[Illustration]
SUNDAY EVE BEGAN IT
The eternal feminine has not changed much since
the days of Eve, who was the first of her sex
to complain that she hadn't a thing to wear.
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (1798) George Washington invents the cocktail.
(1906) George Washington acknowledged to be most
popular man in history of the country.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (1905) Beef Trust declared illegal--whatever
that is.
(1906) Beef Trust demonstrates that there is
no use "beefing about it."
SATURDAY
DECEMBER
Most popular book in the world--the pocketbook.
THE PUBLISHER'S COZY CORNER CHAT
ONE OF OUR AWFUL SMART BOYS
Little George Hathadash lives in Megawolloppey, Maine, and
is now three years old.
This brave ruddy-cheeked boy immediately took the
Megawolloppey agency for the "Saturday Evening Roast,"
feeling sure that his ruddy cheek would carry him through
successfully. Next Sunday, when everybody was gathered in
church, who should come toddling down the aisle but George
Hathadash distributing his first bundle of "Roasts," just as
he had seen the train boy sell candy on a train of cars.
"Better and brighter than any thermon," cried George
Hathadash in his childish treble. "Here's your 'Thaturday
Evening Roast,' the brother-in-law of the 'Ladies' Wall
Paper.' Better and brighter than any thermon."
Of course that attracted attention, and almost before he
knew it George had disposed of his whole bundle and
established himself in business. He is now well on his way
to win the beautiful prize of a silver carving knife that
the "Roast" offers as an extra inducement to its hustling
young salesmen.
There are other prizes and any boy with a good ruddy cheek
is likely to get one of them.
But all boys are not like George Hathadash. We think _he_ is
going to be a President of the Common Council.
[Sidenote: _Health Note_: A hot brick is a good thing for
the feet; a cold brick is a bad thing for the head.
[Illustration]]
[Illustration]
SUNDAY (44 B.C.) "Twenty-three for you," shouted
Brutus to Cæsar, and when they counted
the stab wounds they found Brutus had
enumerated correctly.
MONDAY
TUESDAY (1776) Washington arrives at Dorchester Heights
and finds 25,000 bushels of wheat.
"I am glad it isn't breakfast food,"
said George.
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY (192 B.C.) First mention of Baseball. Sparta
joins the Achean league--it was easy to
slide in Greece.
FRIDAY LONGEST NIGHT OF THE YEAR
The colicky baby's father,
As he croons his soothing song,
His thanks should give that he doesn't live
Where the nights are six months long.
SATURDAY
DECEMBER
"Even those who can't read like to look at the
pictures."--Willie B. Hearsed
(Politically)?
ADVICE TO PARENTS
It is now pretty generally believed that the name given to
one to bear with him night and day, during all his years,
has a most important influence in the work of shaping his
life and fortune.
* * * * *
No doubt a careful investigation of the subject would show
that most of the bare-pated men of the nation are so because
while they were still helpless little children they were
named Archibald, Theobald, Baldwin, and the like, whereas,
had they been named Harry, or Harold, or Aaron, they would
still be blest with well-thatched polls.
* * * * *
It is the bounden duty of parents to determine the business
or profession in which they intend their children shall
engage. If they wish their son to become a fancy
poultry-breeder they should name him Egbert or Henry; if
they wish him to become a surgeon they should call him
Lancelot; if an arithmetician, Adam; if a clown, Guy or
Joshua; if a street car driver, Oscar; if a real estate
dealer, Lot or Orlando; if a man of wealth, Richard; if a
debtor, Owen; and if they wish him to "go to grass,"
Timothy.
* * * * *
The same degree of thoughtful care should be exercised in
naming girls, as well. If a girl is to become a musician she
should be called Octavia or Dora; if a milliner, Hattie; if
a writer, Adaline; if a cook, Dinah or Amelia; and so on to
the end of the chapter.
[Sidenote: ? Why is the standard octopus like a water-lily?
Oh, fudge! It isn't like a water-lily at all. It is more
like the skunk cabbage which gets a head in the world, but
is always in bad odor.]
[Illustration]
SUNDAY (1660) Charles II, chased by subpoena from
Cromwell, wins record of being most
difficult man in the world to subpoena.
(1906) Rockefeller smashes record of Charles II.
MONDAY
TUESDAY (1620) Pilgrims land at Plymouth in little
Mayflower.
(1906) Records show that little Mayflower
brought over 38,000,000 carloads of
ancestors, candlesticks, furniture, etc.
WEDNESDAY (1906) Chinese missionaries threatened.
(Next day) Missionaries leave tracts and make
new ones for home.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY The day before Christmas will seem the longest
day in the year if you are expecting any
presents.
SATURDAY
DECEMBER
Wit is something bright, thought of after the guests have
departed.
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS
DIFFIDENT--The proper way to handle a lobster is to have him
arrested.
ECONOMY--We know of no place where toothbrushes are
laundered.
HISTORIAN--You are right. Noah was the largest individual
holder of watered stock during his age.
SCIENCE--Yes, ice is slippery on both sides.
WELL WISHER--We return the $5 note. We cannot accept
counterfeit money from admirers.
SPORT--You lose. Adam was born an orphan.
* * * * *
RECENT INVENTIONS
A charming addition to the safety razor is a little fountain
attachment that sprinkles the user with Bay Rum.
* * * * *
Up-to-date bachelors are rapidly adopting the new unlosable
collar button. This collar button is made of rubber with a
little electric light attachment and is guaranteed to bounce
for five minutes. Every time it strikes the floor, the
impact causes the light to shine brilliantly, thus making it
impossible to lose sight of even in the darkest corner.
[Sidenote: _A New Year Thought_: Now is the time to take
your pen in hand--to meditate, to practise faithfully until
you write with ease, one--nine--naught--EIGHT.]
[Sidenote: _To Develop the Calf_: Permit it to remain with
its mother for two or three weeks. Then teach it to drink
milk out of pail.]
[Illustration]
SUNDAY (1278) Ottocar died in Vienna.
(1895) Automobile born in France.
MONDAY
TUESDAY (1373) Leopold, archduke of Austria, named his
son Rupert for the benefit of modern
novelists.
WEDNESDAY (1340) Cannon first used in England.
(1906) Roosevelt uses Cannon in the House of
Representatives.
THURSDAY CORRESPONDENT ANSWERED
Editor Foolish Almanack:--
What ails my hens? Every morning I
find two or three lying on their backs, toes
curled up, never to rise again.
CONSTANT READER.
Skowhegan, Me.
Answer:--Your hens are dead.--Ed.
FRIDAY
SATURDAY
DECEMBER
Health Hint:--If you have a "broken bone" try to save the
change.
_Number 1 in the "Foolish Series"_
_The_ Foolish Dictionary
_by_ GIDEON WURDZ
_Author of "Foolish Finance"_
Over fifty illustrations by Wallace Goldsmith.
More than one hundred thousand copies of "_The Foolish
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It is a book for everybody who loves fun in words--in fact
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A DICTIONARY _of_ HUMOR
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JOHN W. LUCE _and_ COMPANY
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_Number 3 in the "Foolish Series"_
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BOSTON _and_ LONDON
_Containing a Wealth of Nimble Jest_
_Foolish Etiquette_
written by that Brilliant Coterie so Giddy-on-Words, whose
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Over 100 Characteristic Illustrations by Wallace Goldsmith
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"Even more entertaining, we think, than either of its
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"Wit and cleverness."--_N.Y. Tribune_, June 30, 1906.
_Cloth, uniform with other books in this series, 7-3/8 x
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JOHN W. LUCE _and_ COMPANY
BOSTON _and_ LONDON
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