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Title: Josh Billings on Ice - And Other Things
Author: Shaw, Henry Wheeler
Language: English
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JOSH BILLINGS ON ICE,
And Other Things.
* * * * *
_A NEW COMIC WORK_
JUST PUBLISHED, UNIFORM WITH THIS VOLUME, ENTITLED
Josh Billings, His Book.
WITH TWELVE COMIC ILLUSTRATIONS.
[Symbol: Asterism] Copies sent by mail free
of postage, on receipt of price, $1.50 by
G. W. CARLETON & CO., Publishers.
New York.
* * * * *
[Illustration: Josh Billings visits the new Skating Pond, and witnesses
a rather interesting accident, which he describes as "a living lovely
mass ov disastrous skirt and tapring ankle."--_See page 12._]
JOSH BILLINGS ON ICE,
And Other Things.
With Comic Illustrations by J. H. Howard.
NEW YORK:
Carleton, Publisher, Madison Square.
London: S. Low, Son & Co.
M DCCC LXX.
Entered according to act of Congress in the year 1868, by
G. W. Carleton & Co.,
In the Clerk's office of the District Court of the United States, for
the Southern District of New York.
THIS BOOK
IZ DEDICATED TO
AMAZI BARBOUR,
TEW LIQUIDATE A DET OV $17-50/100 THAT I OWED HIM.
JOSH BILLINGS.
CONTENTS.
PAGE
I.--JOSH ON ICE 11
II.--SUM NATRAL HISTORY 14
III.--LIVE YANKEES 20
IV.--LINCH PINS 23
V.--GOOSE TALK 26
VI.--JOSH BILLINGS: HIZ SHADE TREE 28
VII.--JOSH CORRESPONDS FREELY WITH 3 FELLOWS 31
VIII.--MONOGRAFFS 36
IX.--HONESTA IS THE BEST POLICY 39
X.--GREAT AGRIKULTURAL HOSS-TROTT 42
XI.--JOSH BILLINGS DEFINES HIS POSITION 46
XII.--COLD PIECES 47
XIII.--LETTER FROM JOSH BILLINGS 50
XIV.--WISDOM CHUNKS 54
XV.--BILLIARDS 58
XVI.--JOSH BILLINGS "RIZES" 60
XVII.--BILLINGS ON PILLS 63
XVIII.--JOSH IN SARATOGA 66
XIX.--SUM VEGETABLE HISTORY 72
XX.--JOSH REPLIES TO CORRESPONDENTS 77
XXI.--LIST OF HOUSEN TEW LET 80
XXII.--LAUGHING 83
XXIII.--LYING 85
XXIV.--PERKUSSION CAPS 87
XXV.--ONE WEEK FROM MY DIARY 91
XXVI.--AMERICAN ARISTOCRACY 94
XXVII.--LOVE 96
XXVIII.--THE GAME OF YEWKER 98
XXIX.--NOW AND THEN 100
XXX.--OATS 103
XXXI.--WATERFALLS 106
XXXII.--POLITENESS 109
XXXIII.--DREAMS 111
XXXIV.--JOSH CORRESPONDS 113
XXXV.--NEWS CUT FROM OUR EXCHANGES 118
XXXVI.--DEAD BEATS 122
XXXVII.--SPRING--MAY, 1868 125
XXXVIII.--HARTES 127
XXXIX.--MONOGRAFFS 128
XL.--JOSH BILLINGS AND THE LEKTUR COMMITTY 133
XLI.--ORPHAN CHILDREN 137
XLII.--BILLINGS REPLIZE TEW CORRESPONDENTS 140
XLIII.--CHIPS FROM THE BUTT CUT OF WISDUM 143
XLIV.--ESSA ON SWINE 146
XLV.--ON SEWING MACHINES 148
XLVI.--SUM ADVISE 150
XLVII.--TAKE IT EASY 153
XLVIII.--JOSH CORRESPONDS 155
XLIX.--THEM GOOD OLD DAZE 159
L.--A HUM TRANSACTION 161
LI.--MILK, WHISKEE AND BEER 164
LII.--PLUCK 170
LIII.--FREE LOVE 171
LIV.--FAST MEN 173
LV.--JOSH REPLIZE TO ONE OF HIZ CORRESPONDENTS 175
LVI.--HUMAN HAPPINESS 177
LVII.--PHILOSOPHEE OV THE BILLINGS FAMILEE 180
LVIII.--AMERIKANS 183
LIX.--JOSH CLEANS OUT HIS PIGEON-HOLE OF CORRESPONDENTS 186
LX.--JOSH CHAWS HIS CUD 190
LXI.--MONOGRAFFS 193
LXII.--JOSH TALKS 198
LXIII.--GIMBLETS 203
LXIV.--MORE CORRESPONDENTS 205
LXV.--SOME NATRAL HISTORY 210
LXVI.--SLIVVERS OF THOUGHT 216
LXVII.--THE BUZZERS 219
LXVIII.--MONOGRAFFS 223
LXIX.--PHILOSOPHEE ON THE HALF-SHELL 227
LXX.--JOSH EPISTOLATES 229
LXXI.--ALMINAK FOR 1869 234
LXXII.--SUM NATRAL HISTRY 239
LXXIII.--MONOGRAFFS 242
LXXIV.--JOSH DOES UP HIS CORRESPONDENTS 247
LXXV.--CUPID ON A RAISE 251
LXXVI.--JOSH COMMENCES WITH HIS FRIEND 255
LXXVII.--JAW BONES 259
LXXVIII.--MORE PHILOSOPHY 260
I.
JOSH ON ICE.
Having herd mutch sed about skating parks, and the grate amount ov
helth and muscle they woz imparting tew the present generashun at a
slite advanse from fust cost, i bought a ticket and went within the
fense.
I found the ice in a slippery condishun, covering about 5 akers ov
artyfishall water, which waz owned bi a stock company, and froze tew
order.
Upon one side ov the pond waz erekted little grosery buildings, where
the wimmin sot on benches while the fellers (kivvered with blushes)
hitched the magick iron tew their feet.
It waz a most exsiting scene: the sun waz in the skey--and the wind waz
in the air--and the birds were in the South--and the snow waz on the
ground--and the ice lay shivering with a bad kold--and angells (ov both
genders) flucktuated past me pro and con, 2 and fro, here a littl and
thare a good deal.
It waz a most exsiting scene; I wanted tew holler "Bully" or lay down
and rool over.
But i kept in, and aked with glory.
Helth waz piktured on menny a nobell brow. Az the femail angells put
out ov the pond, side by side with the male angells, it waz the most
powerfull scene i ever stood behind.
The long red tape from their necks swum in the breeze, and the feathers
in their jockeys fluttered in the breeze, and other things (tew muteh
to menshun) fluttered in the breeze.
I don't think i ever waz more crazy before in mi life--on ice.
For 2 long hours i stood and gazed with dum exsitement.
I felt like a kanall hoss turned suddinly out to grass.
I didn't kno how tew proceed.
Az one ov the angells, more sudden than all the rest, cum flying down
the trak, 3 lengths ahed ov her male angell, awl eyes ware gorging with
her heavenly bust ov speed; she seemed tew hav cut luce from earth, and
waz bound South, for the Cape ov Good Hope, when awl tew onst, with
gorgous swoop terriffick, down-crumbling into a limpid heap she went
with squeak terriffick, a living lovely mass ov disastrous skirt and
tapring ankle.
Awl gathered around the bursted angell; but lo! in a minnitt's space,
her wings agin was plumed, and evry feather waz in its lawfal plase;
and on she fled laffing like wine thru its buteous blushes.
I had saw enuff--more happyness than belonged tew me--and az i sloly
wended back tew mi home at the tavern i felt--good.
II.
SUM NATRAL HISTORY.
Thare iz no tuition so cheap and so handy az natral history.
It prevails evrywhare; the cockroach and the behomath are built out ov
it, the lizard and the elephant are full ov it, it is the monkey's
right bower, and the kangaroo's best jump.
The grass, the dandelion and the spinnage are its children; it is the
language ov creeping things, the majesta ov the mountin, the soul ov
the talking brook, and the inspiration ov the lambkin's tail.
Natral history iz dogg cheap.
To open our eyes, and think while we are looking iz aul the capital
necessary for the naturalizing bizzness.
Who wouldn't be a naturalizer, when natur makes such cheap sacrifices
upon aul her alters, and holds the insense under our very nozes?
This iz what ails me this morning, tew study the light-hearted
grasshopper, the relentless bed-bugger, and the elastick flea.
The Bible sez, "The grasshopper is a burden," and i never knu the Bible
tew say anything that warnt so.
When the grasshop begins tew liv they are verry small, but in a little
while thare gits tew be plenty ov them.
They only liv one year at once, and then go back, and begin agin.
Their best gait iz a hop, and with the wind on their quarters they can
make sum good time.
They are a sure krop to raize, but sum years they raize more than
others. I hav seen sum fields so full ov them that you couldn't stick
another grasshopper in, unless you sharpened him off tew a pint.
When they git so very plenty, they are very apt tew want tew start, and
then they bekum a traveling famine, and leave the road they take az
barren az the inside ov a country church during a week day.
Grasshoppers don't seem tew be acktually necesary for our happiness,
but they may be; we don't even know what we want most.
I don't want grasshops tew giv entirely out, not if they are a
blessing, but i hav thought (to myself) if they would let the grass and
cornstalks be, and pitch onto the burdoks and Canada thissells, i would
bet a few dollars on the thissells, jist tew encourage the fight, and
wouldn't care a cuss if they both got finally licked.
But mi best judgment would be tew bet on the grasshops.
* * * * *
I never see ennybody yet but what despised _Bed Bugs_. They are the
meanest ov aul crawling, creeping, hopping, or biteing things.
They dassent tackle a man bi dalite, but sneak in, after dark, and chaw
him while he iz fast asleep.
A musketo will fight you in broad dalite, at short range, and giv you a
chance tew knock in hiz sides--the flea iz a game bugg, and will make a
dash at you even in Broadway--but the bed-bugg iz a garroter, who waits
till you strip, and then picks out a mellow place tew eat you.
If i was ever in the habit ov swearing, i wouldn't hesitate to damn a
bed bugg right tew hiz face.
Bed bugs are uncommon smart in a _small_ way; one pair ov them will
stock a hair mattrass in 2 weeks, with bugs enuff tew last a small
family a whole year.
It don't do enny good to pray when bed bugs are in season; the only way
tew git rid ov them iz tew bile up the whole bed in aqua fortis, and
then heave it away and buy a new one.
Bed buggs, when they hav grone aul they intend to, are about the size
ov a bluejay's eye, and hav a brown complexion, and when they start out
to garrote are az thin az a grease spot, but when they git thru
garroting they are swelled up like a blister.
It takes them 3 days tew git the swelling out ov them.
If bed buggs have enny destiny to fill, it must be their stummuks; but
it seems tew me that they must hav bin made by acksident, jist az
slivvers are, tew stick into sumboddy.
If they waz got up for sum wise purpose, they must hav took the wrong
road, for there kant be enny wisdum in chawing a man aul night long,
and raising a family, besides, tew foller the same trade.
If thare iz sum wisdum in aul this, I hope the bed buggs will chaw them
folks who kan see it, and leave me be, bekause i am one ov the
hereticks.
* * * * *
The smallest animal ov the brute creashun, and the most pesky, iz the
_Flea_.
They are about the bigness ov an onion seed, and shine like a bran new
shot.
They spring from low places, and kan spring further and faster than
enny ov the bug-brutes.
They bite wuss than the musketoze, for they bite on a run; one flea
will go aul over a man's subburbs in 2 minnits, and leave him az
freckled az the meazels.
It iz impossible to do ennything well with a flea on you, except sware,
and fleas aint afraid ov that; the only way iz tew quit bizzness ov aul
kinds and hunt for the flea, and when you have found him, he ain't
thare. Thiz iz one ov the flea mysterys, the fackulty they hav ov being
entirely lost jist as soon as you hav found them.
I don't suppose thare iz ever killed, on an average, during enny one
year, more than 16 fleas, in the whole ov the United States ov America,
unless thare iz a cazualty ov sum kind. Once in a while thare iz a dogg
gits drowned sudden, and then thare may be a few fleas lost.
They are about az hard to kill az a flaxseed iz, and if you don't mash
them up az fine az ground pepper they will start bizzness agin, on a
smaller kapital, jist az pestiverous az ever.
Thare iz lots ov people who have never seen a flea, and it takes a
pretty smart man tew see one ennyhow; they don't stay long in a place.
If you ever ketch a flea, kill him before you do ennything else; for if
you put it oph 2 minnits, it may be too late.
Menny a flea haz past away forever in less than 2 minnits.
III.
LIVE YANKEES.
Live Yankees are chuck full of karakter and sissing hot with enterprize
and curiosty.
In bild we find them az lean az a hunter's dorg, with a parched
countenance, reddy for a grin, or for a sorrow; ov elaastick step:
thortful, but not abstrakted; pashunt, bekauze cunnin; ever watchful;
slo to anger; avoiding a fight; but rezolute at bay.
In dress alwuz slik, but not stuck up; their harness alwuz betrays them
wherever they go.
The oil ov their langwidge iz their dezire tew pleze, and their greezy
words foreshadder a proffit.
They are natral mechanicks; the histry ov man's necessitys iz the
histry ov their invenshuns.
The Live Yankee haz no hum; hiz luv ov invenshun breeds a luv ov
change, and wharever a human trail shows itself we find him pantin on
the trak.
He never gits sick at the stummuk in a furrin land, or grows
sentermental; the buty ov a river tew him iz its capacity for a
steambote; its sloping banks checker into bildin lots, and its poetry
waters might do the drudgery ov a cottin mill.
He looks at a marble pyramid, guesses at its height, calkulates the
stone by the perch, and sells the magnifisent relick in Boston at a
proffit.
He climbs the Alpin hights, crossed by conkerin heroes, and iz struk
with the proprierty ov tunneling it.
He sits, cross-legged, beneath the sheltring vine and listens to the
oneazy sea, sees the warm promise ov the grape, and forgettin the holy
memrys ov the land ov song, grinds the smilin vintage into wine and
maiks a happy bargin.
You can meet him in Constanternopel, makin up in grimace what he lacks
in langwidge, spreadin a plaster with hiz tounge, for the man ov
Mahomet.
Go where you will, from the numb palsied North tew the swetting
limberness ov the South, from the top ov earth's mornin tew half past
eleven at night, and the everlastin Yankee you will find, either
vehement in an argue, or purswazive in a swop.
Hiz religion iz praktikal; he mourns over the heathen, and iz reddy tew
save them by the job.
He luvs liberty with a red pepper enthuziasm, and fully beleafs Nu
England kan whip the universe.
If the phlegmatick Englishman brags about roast beef and hiz ansesters,
Jonathan haz a pumkin pie and a grandpop tew match them.
If the Frenchman grows crazy over a frigazee ov frog's hind legs,
Jonathan pulls out a donut and a Rhode Island greening.
If the dusky Italian talks about the mad vomits ov Vgesuvius, Jonathan
turns in the water power ov Niagara.
In argument alwuz ernest, and in reazoning alwuz specius, this
progressive phenomena tramps the world with the skeleton ov a pattent
right in hiz carpet bag, and, in his ever open hand and face a pleasant
"Heow air yer?"
If you would save your pride from bein sandpapered, risk it not in a
dicker with Jonathan.
Hiz razor is the true Damascus, strapped on the wand ov Midas for a
golden harvest; hiz sanctity iz often shrewdness, and hiz sweet savor
iz often the reflekted halo ov the comin shillin.
Constitushunaly and by edukashun honest, he iz alwuz reddy tew cry for
the deeds dun in the boddy; hiz hospitalitys and charities are
cerimonial dutys, and if hiz religion iz sometimes only the severitys
ov a sabbath, it iz bekauze hiz bias iz the thursting impulse ov a
creatin genius chained tew the more sordid pashun for lucre.
IV.
LINCH-PINS.
I want to bet 3 Dollars, that no man ever matched himself agin the
Devil, but what he got beat.
And I want to bet one dollar and seventy-five cents more, that thare is
no villin on airth so grately mean az he who reccommends a vice that he
has too mutch prudence to indulge in himself.
I hav held, that if a man iz virtuous, he kan't be ignorant; and i
still hold it.
Aim hi, if you strike low. The man who undertakes tew jump 375 feet
ahed, will sertinly make a good try.
I never knu a man who was alwus anxious tew repent uv his sins before
he had committed them, who didn't want the sharpest kind ov watching.
"Don't put oph till to-morrow what kan be did to-day." It is better
even to do a foolish thing at onst, if you have positiffly made up yure
mind to do it.
I never bet enny stamps on the man who iz always telling what he would
have did if he had bin _thare_; I hav notised that this kind never git
_thare_.
Faith don't appear to me tew be ennything more than tip top good sense;
all the faith thare is in this world now wont keep a man from falling
to the bottom of a well if he lets go ov the curb to spit on hiz hands.
When i git to not having enny good luck, it duz seem to me that i kan
hav more ov it than enny man i ever knu, and not half try; i suppose it
seems jist so to you, my friend, don't it?
I kant think ov enny talent now, that iz so apt to descend from father
to son, untarnished, as the gift ov exaggeration.
"Thare aint ennything nu under the sun." The old feller in Connekticut,
who carried the same old jack-knife for 43 years, and wore out 9 new
handles, and 12 setts ov blades, sez so.
Thare aint, after all, but one right way to dew things. I hav seen kows
that you could milk on both sides, but they wan't more than haff broke.
A man may hav a perfek right to be born single, but I dought whether he
haz a right tew continny on so.
I take it, that the excellence of human natur consists in lifting the
greatest amount ov sorrow with the least amount ov grin.
Them who make the most blow, hav the least fragranse--it iz jess so
with the hollerhauk.
The best edukashun a man receives in this life, he gits just before he
dize, and it mostly consists in forgetting what he haz larnt before.
The world looks with kold respek upon an ackt ov justiss, but heave up
their hats at a display ov mersy. Yet the one iz the strength ov
virtue, while the other iz most often its gratest weakness.
A mind that haz more imaginashun than sense iz like a goose--fust rate
tew fli down hill.
I don't think the world haz enny Civilizashun tew spare, but i think
she haz more than she kan manage well.
Poetri, tew be excellent, wants tew be like natur, but about 4 times az
big.
V.
GOOSE TALK.
The goose is a grass-animal but don't chaw her cud.
They are good livers; about one aker to a goose iz enuff, altho there
iz sum folks who thinks one goose tew 175 akers, is nearer right.
These two calculations are so fur apart, it iz difficult tew tell now,
which will finally win.
But i don't think, if i had a farm ov 175 akers, awl paid for, that i
would sell it for half what it was worth, just bekauze it didn't hav
but one goose on it. Geese stay well; sum ov our best biographers say,
70 years, and grow tuff tew the last.
They lay one egg at once, about the size of a goose egg, in which the
gosling lies hidd.
The gosling iz the goose's babe.
The goose don't suckle hiz young, but turns him out tew pasture on
sumboddy's vacant lot.
They seem tew lack wisdum, but are considered generally sound on the
goose.
They are good eating, but not good chawing; the reason ov this remains
a profound sekret to this day.
When the femail goose iz at work hatching, she iz a hard bird tew
pleaze; she riles clear up from the bottom in a minnit, and will fight
a yoke ov oxen, if they show her the least bit ov sass. The geese iz
excellent for feathers, which she sheds every year by the handful.
They are also amphibicuss, besides several other kinds ov cuss.
But they are mostly cureiss about one thing: they kan haul one leg up
into their body, and stand on tuther, awl day, and not tutch ennything
with their hands.
I take notis, thare ain't but darn few men kan dew this.
VI.
JOSH BILLINGS:
HIZ SHADE TREE.
Sum fu years ago, when i want so old nor near so hansum az i am now, i
waz a feller citizen in one ov the sudden towns, which during the past
25 years, hav fairly sprung up, az it were, by necromancy, in the
western country. At that time I waz verry ritch and owned a house, and
lot. At one corner, on mi lot, stood, or rather leaned, a tree, az
awkward az a shanghi rusetor; it bent at least 3 different ways, and
its limbs were az sprawling az tho it had bin born in a nort-west
storm. I had sum pride in them days, and longed to put that shade tree
out ov misery.
The tree was a nondescribe, but seemed tew be a mingling ov the silver
popular, which haz sich uneazy leaves, and a species ov soft maple. I
would hav cut it down if mi heart had bin sharp enuff; but altho i hav
lived on the edge ov the wilderness for more than half ov mi life, i
never yet saw a tree fall before the choppers, but a shudder crept out
ov me, it seemed so mutch like a wanton cruelty.
But i had manned mi guns fur one thing, and that waz, the tree had got
tew be trimmed. I had four nabors near at hand; two lived upon the same
side ov the street that I did, and the other two didn't.
They were mi Apollos, and when i wanted enny soothsaying done, i went
tu them.
I will say one thing for these nabors, they waz always willing tew give
_advice_.
Accordingly i asked each one ov them, az opportunity offered, how the
tree should be clipped.
The first one suggested to leave the lower branches intact, and take
oph the head ov the tree, and then it would soon form a cone, compact
and graceful, like an umbreller on duty.
This plan pleased me, bekauze it had bin mi plan.
The next one picked out certain limbs, that positively must cum off.
The third one had hiz noshun, which he knu waz right; and the fourth
one never saw a tree ov that kind trimmed but one way, which he
suggested in sich an unmistakabel manner, that I felt like a pashunt in
the hands ov a root dokter, willing tew take enny thing.
After fully elaborating each one ov the four diagnosiss ov the kase, i
went tew work like a humbel christshun tew carry the whole ov them out.
I had no trouble in doing this. But the tree (the Lord watch over mi
poor shade tree!) was nothing but a gaunt stick about 10 feet hi, too
crooked to fall, not a limb nor a leaf on it, and too frightful even
for a hitching post.
1st Moral--Advice iz good only az corroborating testimony.
2nd Moral--If yu put yureself into the hands ov yure frends, yu must
expekt that the kindness ov their hearts iz no protekshun aginst the
willfullness ov their judgments.
3rd Moral--Advice iz like a doktor's pills: it iz often advisabel tew
_receive_ them without _taking_ them.
4th Moral--One man kan alwus milk a cow better than 4 kan.
VII.
JOSH CORRESPONDS FREELY WITH 3 FELLOWS.
_Shortfellow._--Yure views are correkt; thare iz no telling what hosses
will trot by looking at them. Lady Thorne and Dexter are no more bilt
alike than the Black Crook and Flying Scud. Neither do i think that
pedigree ever makes a hoss fast enny more than it makes a man smart.
Hambletonian and sum ov the kings ov England hav both sired lunkheads.
If a hoss iz made right, he can proceed fast, i don't kare who made
him. Flying Dutchman lived and died, and left a two-mile heat on the
books that haint bin duplikated yet, and about aul that iz known ov him
iz that he waz got in a brickyard in Pensilvany. Tom Thum went the fust
100 miles in 10 hours that waz ever did, and he had no more pedigree
than a prary dorg, or a Digger injun. Who ever heard ov Flory Temple
having enny pedigree?
If she ever gits one, it will be like menny ov the epitaffs we read in
the graveyards--courteous libels.
I hav seen French ponys go on the ice faster than you could telegraff,
bilt like a pumpkin seed, and with a pedigree just about as pure as a
dock rat's.
Still, if you or i should talk these things among the literati ov the
hoss stabel, we should probably git our front teeth knocked out. If i
waz going tew buy a trottin hoss i would't ask about his pedigree enny
more than i would ask who made a mint julep. If the hoss didn't suit
me, i am dredful sertain the pedigree wouldn't. Old Eclipse never waz
beaten in hiz day, and his full brother wasn't fast enuff for a modern
hearse hoss.
_Bigfellow._--Trout fishing iz a good deal like painting picktures--you
have got to be born how; you kant learn how. It don't require the
genius ov a statesman tew know how tew ketch a trout; but the two best
trout fishers I ever knu waz Daniel Webster and old Ishmael. Both were
natiffs ov Nu England; one ov them everyboddy iz proud to remember, and
the other waz a simple old nigger; but i think the old dark waz the
best fisher ov the two.
He would walk up tew a hole in the brook, whare a big trout lay az
careless and yet az still az a hen turkey, and stand thare till the
fish mistook him for the stub ov a tree, then would drop his worm, or
hiz grasshopper, or (if the seazon waz right) would danse hiz flie
above the trout's head so literal that the fish would bite merely from
the force ov habit, whether he waz hungry or not.
This old Afrikan alwus started out for trout just as a dorg duz for
mischief, the other way from whare he waz going, and never cum back
without a trophy. The best kind of a trout pole for brook-fishing grows
along side ov the brook. They are black alder, and have the same kind
ov a taper that a rat tarrier's tale duz. Twelve foot is long enuff for
the pole, and the brook that don't raize them somewhare on its banks iz
not a good trout stream. But thare aint room enuff in a letter for me
tew talk trout. Go with me sumtime next May among the mountains, and i
will show yu how tew win theze little spotted morsels from their wet
and noisy homes. But--though I like company generally--tew be honest
about it, trout fishing iz a good deal like sparking--one feller at a
time iz enuff.
_Littlefellow._--Yu tell me in your letter "that musik iz yure
egstatick bliss; that yure soul iz sot tew musick, and feeds on its
gorgous viands." I am glad tew hear yu say so, for now i know yu won't
never du enny big mischief in this world. Ennyboddy who loves musick az
much az yu say you do, don't want enny other kind ov oats. I am
unfortunate in this direkshun. I don't kno one note from another,
unless it iz a bank-note, and i never had enny ear for musick since i
waz a boy. Once in a while, in them daze, the schoolmarm, in lifting me
up off from the bench by the ears tew see how heavy i waz, would start
the musick out of me. I never tended but one gorgous opera in my life,
and it won't never be convenient for me tew tend another. A forrin
woman sung sum ov the "gorgous viands" yu speak ov. She was very fat
herself, and want very thoroughly drest about the neck and naber hood.
She threw her head back like a sled runner, and yelled az tho she had a
rat on her. I expekted every minnit tew see her arrested for breaking
the piece. I suppose if i had the right kind ov taste for gorgous
vittles, this kind ov musick would eat me good. I heard a milkmaid once
sing, in a cow-yard, as she sot by the side ov a heifer just as the sun
waz setting. It waz a love story song. Perhaps there was no gorge in
it; but there waz sumthing in it that made me feel sorry aul over. This
iz aul i kno about musick. I could listen aul day tew that kind ov soft
sadness she sung about, and feel lonesum and lonesummer aul the time.
VIII.
MONOGRAFFS.
The _Jealous Man_ iz alwus a-hunting.
He is alwus a-hunting for sumthing that he don't expeckt tew find, and
after he haz found it then he iz mad bekauze he haz.
Theze fellers don't beleaf in spooks, and yet they are about the only
folks who ever see enny. A jealous man iz alwus happy, jist in
perposhun az he iz mizerable.
Jelosy iz a disseaze, and it iz a good deal like sea sickness--dreadful
sick, and kan't vomit.
The _Anonymous Man_ boards at a red tavern, and pays for hiz board bi
tending bar occasionly. He hain't got any more karakter than the jack
ov spades haz, when it ain't trumps.
He iz a loafer bi profession, without enny vices.
He rides on the box, once in a while, with the driver, and noboddy
thinks ov asking him for hiz stage fare.
He iz az useless az an extra pump would be in the desert ov Sarah.
He sprung from a respektable family; his great grandfather woz a
justiss ov the peace; but he has not got vanity enuff tew brag on it.
He ain't necessarily a phool, enny more than a bull's eye watch iz; if
enny boddy will wind him up, he will sett still, and run quietly down.
The _Stiff Man_ looks down, when he walks, upon folks. He don't seem
tew hav but one limber jinte in him, and that iz lokated in hiz noze.
He is a kind of maskuline turkey, on parade in a barn-yard.
He iz generally loaded with wisdum clear up tew the muzzell, and when
he goes oph, makes a noize like a cannon, but don't dew enny dammage.
I hav seen him fire into a crowd, and miss evry man.
This kind ov _stiff man_ iz verry handy tew flatter. They seem tew know
they ain't entitled tu a good artikle, and, tharefore, are satisfied
with hard soap.
Thare ain't but fu men who git stiff on what they acktually know, but
most aul ov them git stiff on what they acktually feel.
Stiff men are called aristokrats, but this ain't so. Thare ain't no
such thing as aristokrats in this country.
The country ain't long enuff yet, unless a man haz got sum Indian in
him.
Az a gen'ral thing, stiff men git mad dredful eazy, and have tew git
over it dredful eazy, bekauze folks ain't apt tew git a big skare at
what they ain't afraid ov.
_Stiff man_ had a grandfather once, who went tew Congress from our
distrikt, and thare ain't one in the whole family that hav been able
tew git limber sinse.
The _Model Man_ never disturbs a hen when she iz setting; never speaks
cross tew a lost dogg; always puts a five cent shinplaster in hiz vest
pockett late Saturday night, tew hav it ready Sunday morning for the
church platter; rizes whenever a lady enters the street kars; remembers
your uncle plainly, and asks after all the family. If he steps on a
kat's tail, is sure to do it light, and immegiately asks her pardon;
reads the PHUNNY PHELLOW, and laffs bekause he kan't help it; hooks up
hiz wife's dress, and plays hoss with the children. Never meddles with
the cream on the milk-pans; goes eazily of errands and cums back in
seazon; attends every boddy's phuneral; kan always tell when the moon
changes; thinks just az yu do, or the other way if you want him to;
follows evry boddy's advice but hiz own; praktices most ov the virtews
without knowing it; leads the life ov a shorn lamb; gits sick after a
while, and dies az soon az he kan, tew save making enny further
trubble.
The model man's vices are not feared, nor hiz virtews respekted. He
lives in the memory of the world just about az long az a pleasant day
duz.
He may be called a "clever feller," and that iz only a libel; but he
will git hiz reward herafter--when the birds get theirs.
IX.
HONESTA IZ THE BEST POLISY.
The author ov this proverb waz either a very shrude man, or he
acksidentily spoke what he didn't think.
Honesta iz, in mi opinyun, a mere matter ov polisy.
Man iz, waz, and alwus will be, a dishonest critter by natur.
It iz az natral for him tew steal when he wants tew, az it iz tew blo
hiz noze.
In order tew git sosiety into decent shape, so that the masheen could
be run without a continual bust, it waz absolutely necessary that man
should make himself honest.
If that hadn't hav bin did, it wouldn't hav bin safe tew leave a
saw-mill out of doors after dark. Hence honesta bekum a matter ov
polisy, and it works well.
The fear ov the law here, and the law hereafter, haz furnished us sum
very clever specimens of Christianity.
Serpoze thare waz no law agin 2 wives, how menny men iz thare in yure
naberhood, that wouldn't sustain the law?
I hav thought that aul the virtues, and aul the affekskuns, (except the
few which are instinkts, and which we and the dogs have just about
alike,) are mere opprashuns of polisy.
Ov course the virtews improve by hoeing, and mankind haz bekum better,
just az they hav bekum richer, by keeping their munny and morals at 10
per cent. interest.
Menny folks are down on luxurys, and plum puddin, but i aint; the more
puddin folks hav, the more they will develop.
Stop the hanker in human natur for any more plum puddin, and nu
bonnets, and in about 450 years, men and wimmin would all go tew grass,
az Nebucunesser did.
Once more, honesta and virtew, in the lump, are not natral, but matters
ov polisy; i may be wrong about this, but if i am, enny boddy else kan
git wrong the same way i hav, by asking himself about hiz own human
natur.
Human natur iz the same aul over north amerika, except in those places
whare they subsist by playing poker, and thare it depends a good deal
upon the number of aces in a pack; i hav seen sum packs that had 9 aces
in them, upon the principle that 5 aces will beat 4 aces and a king.
X.
GREAT AGRIKULTURAL HOSS-TROTT.
AT BILLINGSVILLE.
_Oct. 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, & 20th._
JOSH BILLINGS, REPORTER.
Agrikultur iz the mother ov provisions; she iz also the grandmother.
If it want for agricultur, thare wouldn't be enny beans, and if it want
for enny beans, thare wouldn't be enny suckertash.
Agrikultur waz fust diskovered by Cain, and has been diskovered since
to be an honest way to get a hard living.
Pumpkins owes aul her success tew agrikultur, so duz lettis, and
bukwheat.
The Billingsville agrikultural society opened Oct. ten, and waz a
powerful success.
The reciepts ov the Agrikultural Fair waz upwards ov $30,000 (if mi
memry serves me rite, and i think she duz.)
The Hon. Virgil Bickerstaff, the next agrikultural member ov Congress
from our district, sold the agrikultur pools.
FUST DAY.
A puss ov ten dollars was trotted for by sucking colts, that had never
trotted before for munny.
Thare waz thirteen entries.
Thare waz 60,000 people on the track to witness the rase, (if mi memry
serves me rite, and i think she duz.)
The puss was won amid vociferous exclamashuns by a red colt, and the
waving ov handkerchiefs, with a strip in his face, and the fainting ov
several fust-class females, and one white foot behind.
SEKOND DAY.
It rained like a perpendikular aul day, and no trotting could be had,
so the audience aul went hum, cussing and swaring, and offering tew bet
four tew six on the Pete Tucker colt.
THIRD DAY.
The sun highsted up in the east more butyfuller than i ever saw her
before, (if mi memry serves me rite, and i think she does.)
It waz a fust rate day for agrikultur, or enny other man.
A puss ov 30 dollars waz trotted for, by sum 2 year old colts.
This rase did not attract much affection, on account ov the time being
so slow.
Time, 2 minnits and 38 seconds.
FOURTH DAY.
This waz fur 3 or 4 years old, who hadn't never beat 2.25.
Thare waz 26 entrys; they couldn't aul trot tew once, so they took
turns.
This rase waz won after a bitter contest, by Pete Tucker's colt.
He waz immediately offered a thousand dollars and a fust-rate farm,
well-stocked, for the colt, by three different agrikultural men, but
with a grate deal ov indignant good sense, he skorned to stoop so low.
Pete Tucker, and his whole family, are aul hoss.
FIFTH DAY.
It rained agin like thunder and lightning, and the day waz spent in
betting on the weight ov hosses.
Sevral good hoss-swops waz also did.
One man swopped two hosses fur one; this struck me as a devilish good
thing, but everyboddy else said it waz soft.
At the end ov the fifth day i cum away.
I got so full ov hoss, that ever since when i laff i kant keep from
whinnering.
The fare waz kept up for 10 daze, and sum red hot time waz made.
I think 2 minnits and 10 sekunds waz made, (if my memry serves me rite,
and i think she duz.)
I forgot tew say that thare was two yoke ov oxens on the ground, beside
sevral yokes ov sheep and a pile ov carrots, and some worsted work, but
they didn't seem to attrakt enny simpathy.
The people hanker fur pure agrikultural hoss-trots.
XI.
JOSH BILLINGS DEFINES HIS POSITION.
DEAR WORLD:--
I got yure letter by acksident, and reply verry mutch az follers:
I am a black Republican, with white antycedents.
I alwus waz agin slavery ov enny kind; not bekause it was
constitutional, but bekause it waz ungodly.
I don't beleave the best judges ov color kan pick out a negro's soul in
the Kingdom ov Heaven.
I believe in the doktrine ov secession--if i don't like my home, and am
21, i have a rite tew go oph, but i haint got enny rite tew take the
old man's farm or hiz tin-ware with me.
I am in favor ov being made Post-master in our city, but i am about the
only man that iz, which speaks well for the disinterestedness ov our
citizens.
I am also in favor ov short stories, when a man haint got mutch tew
say.
Yours, tenderly,
JOSH BILLINGS.
XII.
COLD PIECES.
It don't appear tew me that envy kan pay well, for those whom we envy
most are alwus envying somebody else.
Hope often cheats us, but yet how eazy it is tew forgiv the sassy jade.
Men ov talents kan be criticised, but a genius kant,--criticism is a
mere string and plummet,--the eagle roosts too hi for tape lines.
Mi idee ov fust-rate poetry iz that kind that reads just exactly az I
should have wrote it.
Yu kant phool a wise man with praise that aint true.
Persekution will make even kanada thissells grow.
If you trade with a Yankee, steal hiz jack-knife fust; for if he gits
tew whitling, yu are gone in spite of thunder.
Passion makes more mistakes than ignorance duz.
Fools don't kno their strength; if they did, they would keep still.
Buty iz a dangerous gift; for it is seldum accompanied with much
virtue, energy, or wisdum.
Most ennyboddy kan slide down hill: thare iz only now and then one who
can slide up hill.
A man may be a very good judge ov a county court, and yet be a very
poor judge ov himself.
What a cumfort it iz tew be pittyed by a 200-thousand-dollar friend!
tew be told that better daze are coming! that perseverance will overkum
all obstakles! such a warm friend iz just about az much use to you az a
painted sun, on a garden wall, would be to ripen sass with, in a cloudy
day.
One ov mi ideas ov a perfect gentleman iz, the man who is eazy to
please.
I kno ov no love, that is so much love, and nothing else, az the love
ov a father for a daughter.
I love the old primeval forests. I love them bekause they kant be cut
up tew enny advantage into village lots.
I hav got a dreadful poor memory, and think I aint sorry for it, for mi
experiences in life, thus far have 2 thirds ov them been more pleasant
tew forgit than tew remember.
Tru happiness seems tew consist in wanting awl that we kan enjoy, and
then gitting awl we want.
I don't belief in total abstinence, enny more than I belief in total
blindness, but I do belief in the reasonable gratification ov awl the
desires that God haz given us.
Politeness iz dreadful simple if yu take the ceremony out ov it, but,
in sifting out the ceremony, yu will often sift out the politeness.
The most selfish persons I hav ever known hav been those who are alwus
professing grate luv for others.
Prudery iz virtue, always willing to be tempted.
Thare iz nothing that will hu a man tew a sharp point like
adversity,--adversity iz the hunger ov the soul.
Gold iz the standard ov value, but wisdum iz the standard ov
perfekshun; united, they are the standard-bearers ov the world.
XIII.
LETTER FROM JOSH BILLINGS.
MY DEAR PRESS:
Yu ask me "how i like the lekturing bizzness," and "what success i hav
met with," and "what iz the tru natur ov the lektur i hav bin
dispensing?"
Briefly thus i reply:
Two years ago I jined the band ov lekturin marters, and hav
"tramp'd--tramp'd!" ever sinse, and az near az i kan rekolekt now, i
think i kant tell.
Mi lektur iz an attempt tew be comick.
Humor iz hybrid, and iz a nice cross between sense and nonsense.
I don't think it haz ever bin well defined: it iz like the smell ov a
flower, hard tew diskribe.
Thare iz just about az mutch real humor in the best ov geniuses az
thare iz juise in a lemmon: one good squeeze takes it out, and thare iz
nothing but seeds and skin left.
It soon bekums hackney'd, and its authors live prekariously for about 3
years on the fust 6 months ov their reputashun, and then go in their
holes and only cum out onst in a while to sun themselfs and be stupid.
I hav known men tew tell 4 good storys, and then spile them awl bi
telling one poor one.
Thare iz nothing the world iz so slow to applaud az success, and
nothing they are so smart at diskovering az a failure.
Mutch ov a humorist's success depends upon the physick ov hiz aujence:
a man who haz the dispepshee fust rate laffs under protest, but if hiz
dinner rides easy you kan tickle him with a skoop-shovel.
Humor sometimes lurks in the way a thing iz ced, and i hav seen men who
earned their fun in the wrinkles ov their face.
Nonsense ain't humor, it iz only a jest.
Humor must hav sum truth in it, and a good deal don't hurt it.
I have seen a fust rait story spilte in being told, and i hav seen a
poor story so well told, that if the man had applied for it he could
hav had it pattented and no questions asked.
If an aujence refuse tew be tickled, yu might az well talk tew a
grave-yard in the ded ov winter; but if yu git them onst mellow yu kan
then stick yure thum into them anywhare.
But mi opinyun now iz that thare ain't no rule for success with a
comick lektur.
A cold-blooded philosphick lektur is just az eazy az turning a
grinstone: the aujence are obliged tew hold their hatchets on, and they
are sure tew git ground out after a while: but you kant tell a man when
tew laff; he knows what pleazes him, just az well az he knows what eats
good; yu kant play a burnt slapjack, nor one that ain't well dun, onto
him.
Thar ain't nothing more straining tew a humorist than tew have tew stop
and explane a joke.
I hav just got hum from Boston: i put 2 spokes into the hub at Tremont
Temple the two fust nights in Febuary: I lektured 15 nights in
Massachewsetts.
I don't kno whether it waz a success or not: awl i kno iz i felt good
myself.
Humurous lekturs, without the aid ov canvass or pantomime, are tuff tew
do.
I think now i shall either git up a philosophicall lektur on the culler
ov the Red Sea, or the hump ov the cammel's back, or quit lekturing.
I kan steal a good philosophicall lektur out ov sum library; but these
cussed humurous lekturs hav so mutch original in them (or ought to hav)
that yu kant kalkulate on them for certain--they are like twins, they
kant be had nor they kant be stopped.
Upon the whole, az near az i kan guess, mi opinyun iz that humor iz a
natral dissease, that a man kant ketch nor kant giv tew ennyboddy else.
XIV.
WISDUM CHUNCKS.
The best time ov the moon to plant beans iz when--the grownd iz aul
rite.
Slovens are always the fust tew caul our attenshun tew their
slovenness, by their exkewses for it.
Don't tawk so mutch, my friend! Yu don't kno but little, and ort tew be
saving ov it.
Book critiks shood be treeted az the farmers do their swine--rung, and
then turned out to critysize.
The man with little branes, and the man with little ammunishun, shood
hunt alike; they shood take ame a good while, and then always shut,
into a flock. Avoyd single burds.
Deer reeder, don't find fawlt with an awthur who makes yu laff; it is
no more an evidence of weekness to laff than it iz ov strength tew look
mad.
Menny ov the enormittys ov life have bin committed in the name ov
religun--enormittys that make h--l blossom like the rose.
Bewty never dies; it iz like truth; they both hav an immortality
sumwhare.
I hav got a fust rate opinyun ov resignashun, but i don't think enny
man iz in dewty bound to thank the Lord every time sum careless cuss
steps on hiz soar tow.
We hear a grate deel about progresshun, and the importunse ov it, but i
am just big phool enuff to think that 8 or 10 ov the new things are
either false, or are old things spiled bi altering.
What mankind stand most in need ov, just now, is simplissity.
Men judge each other bi their suksess, not bi their undertakings; but
the Lord judges bi the undertaking, not bi the suksess.
Thare iz a grate deel more timidity among men than thare iz temerity;
one iz the attribute ov littleness, and the other ov grateness.
The best kind ov purfewm for the person, that i know ov, iz cleenness.
Truth iz radicul; fickshun iz consurvativ.
What a man must hav, he kan most ginnerally git.
Thare iz no such thing az clozing our ize to the fakt that tilting
skirts enable us to see a good deel more ov fashunable sosiety.
Sudden ritches don't often improve ennybody.
Vertchew walks without help, but vice goes on crutches.
Thare iz one advantage in being poor: thare ain't no danger ov
mistaking flattery for praze.
Bobtaled peekox don't travel mutch on their pride.
Take the axidents out ov this life, and how menny men iz thare who wood
sukseed or fale?
Friendship iz a mirror which we hold up tew uthers, tew see ourselfs
in.
Deep thinkers laff with their mowth.
A man iz a phool just in proporshun az he iz known better bi sumboddy
else than he knows himself.
Novelty iz a good deel like a kitten's tale, soon played out.
The world owes most ov its refinement tu 2 verry difrunt things--the
Bible, and the looking-glass.
Trew critysism consists in giving a man credit for the good things he
sez, and not cussin him for the good things he don't say.
XV.
BILLIARDS.
Evryboddy seems tew be gitting crazy over a new game, which haz jist
bin diskovered, called billyards.
It iz played on the top ov a tabel which iz a little longer than it iz
square, and the game seems tew konsist in pushing sum round red bawls
agin sum round white bawls, until they drop into sum little pudding
bags which are hung unto the outside ov the tabel.
It takes 2 men tew play the game, but 4 or 5 can look on.
They take oph their coats, and stand clus up to the tabel, with a short
piece ov a fishpole in their hands, which has a chalk mark onto the end
ov it.
Then one begins, by giving one ov the bawls a punch in the belly, which
sends it agin the next one's belly, and so on, till the other fellow's
turn fur punching comes on.
But yu ought tew see the game; it kant be delineated bi words.
One feller generally beats the other feller, and then he pays the
landlord ov the consarn 25 cents fur the privilege ov gitting beat, and
buys sum gin, with lemonade in it, and aul hands drink.
Then 2 more takes holt ov the fishpoles, and they punch fur a spell,
and so it goes on till 2 o'clock in the morning; then each goes hum,
having enjoyed fine exercise, a little drunk perhaps; but the muscles
in their breast are so expanded that they can't ketch the consumption
nor the smaul pox.
_This iz billyards._
XVI.
JOSH BILLINGS "RIZES."
GENTLEMEN AND MISTER CHAIRMAN:--
I rise with grate diffidence fur the fust time in mi life, tew address
an impromptew assemblage. What i can say iz instant, and i kant alter
it; i kant sit doun, or stand up, and studdy a thing out, enny more
than i kan sit doun and think how tew lift a ton. We have met here just
fur fun; and i beleaf that aul things, including truth, hav a fun
redikilous side tew them, and i fully beleaf, that while Satan, with
consumate skill, fills hiz ranks bi the arts ov seduction, virtue
should resort tew the same means. I beleaf in sugar-coated pills, and i
beleaf that virtue and wisdom kan be smuggled into a man's soul bi a
good natured proverb, better and deeper than to be morticed into it
with a wormwood mallet and chisel. We hav met tew celebrate the
birth-day ov a Sunday newspaper; the child iz a year old and iz growing
nicely. Sum people doubt the propriety ov Sunday newspapers; they seem
tew think that the Sabbath waz made only fur the acts ov sectarian
worship, but i beleaf that religion was never designed az a bizness,
but only tew regulate and correct bizzness with,--I should az soon
think ov tunelling Hoosick Mounting bi prayer,--when a people devote
aul their time tew religion, superstition and bigotry are sure tew
prevale.
[Illustration: Josh Billings makes a few miscellaneous remarks about
"virtew and wisdom," before a literary association of the citizens of a
neighboring town.--_See page 60._]
Man iz the only thing created with power tew laff; birds and flowers
can almost dew it, and dogs would like tew. Mules smile with their
heels.
Fun waz made fur the million, ethicks fur the few, and the man who kan
invent a generous and healthy sauce tew enliven a dish ov biled greens
with, iz a Christian. Fun may never have furnished a splendid dinner,
but it has helped swaller menny a poor one.
"Six days shalt thou laber, and on the seventh rest,"--thare iz no
laber in fun, and a Sunday newspaper does aul its work on Saturday.
I had rather tend one wedding than a dozen funerals; and a birth, even
if it aint ennything more than the hatching ov a duck's eg, iz alwus
another suckcess.
Life iz short, and that iz one grate reason whi it ought alwus tew be
cheerful, and i fully beleaf, that when Gabrel blows hiz horn, the
first ones that will rise, will ware a smile on their faces.
Judas betrayed with a laff, and a kiss, but the fun ov the thing waz,
he went oph and hung hisself.
He that kant laff iz tew be pityed, and him that wont laff iz tew be
feared.
I am clean thru. This iz my maiden speech, and i will bet 10 dollars
that i won't never run the risk ov doing it agin. Adew.
XVII.
BILLINGS ON PILLS.
P'OKEEPSIE, Jan. 1st, 1867.
DEAR DOKTER BONESETT:
Thru the politeness ov Mr. John Smith, i cum in possession ov yure
valuabel letter, at about 9 o'clock night before last, in which yu
offer me 10 dollars for a poultiss.
I hay had a fair chance to use yure pills upon several important
occasions, and can sware posatively that they kan beat enny pills ov
their size i ever contended with.
Underneath this letter yu will find a poultiss which i think will draw.
If yu see fit to use it, yu kan emit the 10 dollars by mail, at our
risk.
In the mean time, bet freely than i am yure humble servant,
JOSH BILLINGS.
* * * * *
POULTISS.
Barnabass Bonesett, M.D., (mutch dokter,) chuck full ov faith, bloze
his horn, and bi these presents duz blo hiz horn about hiz "Lightning
Express and Serio-Sensation pills" a cumfert and a joy to man.
Theze pills are of rutes--rutey, and kost the Author 4 years in the
wilderness, besides sleepless nights, and anxious days, tew git them
down to a spot, without blemish and filled with fun.
These pills will kure deffness, dipthery and dandruff--are good
for baldness, bronkreeters and baksliding--are sertin tew heal
hedake, hifalutin, and hangnails--will remove warts, windgauls and
wens--destroy awl longings, lassitudes, laziness--will soothe the
sorrowful, cam the crazy, and kure a common sized fit in 2 minnits.
They are closs packed in little round boxes, and each little box
kontains 2 dozen and 2, or no sail.
Each box iz dun up in a trakt, which sez that they are az sure to cure,
az lightning iz tew strike what it starts for.
On the top ov the box iz a full sized painting ov the Author, with a
grub hoe in one hand, and a whole parsell ov roots in the other--with a
napsack on hiz back, and mountains in the distance, tew which he iz
pinting with the grub hoe--them iz the mountains whare he gits the
rutes.
On the top ov each little round box, iz these words, in a forrin tung,
"_Hocus pocus, quod constallus_," which being biled down means,
"_purely vegetabels_."
For sum more partikulars, cummune with the author.
(Signed) BARNABASS BONESETT, M.D.
XVIII.
JOSH IN SARATOGA.
SARATOGA, _Sept. 8, 1867_.
DEAR WEEKLY:--Don't think I am going to ruin, don't think i am totaly
spilte, bekauze yu happen to hear from me at this grate drinking place.
I am here on urgent and melankolly bizzness, looking for mi
Newfoundland pup, not quite 5 months old yet, that I lost lately.
Saratogy never appeared tew me so free from _white swellings_ az it duz
now. I haint seen a dozen people ov the ballon purswashion, but almost
evry one i meets ackts just az tho they had sum good common sense, and
had brought enuff along with them to last while they staid.
Shoddy & Petroleus hav gone tew Europe, to astonish Paris with their
paste diamonds and fire gilt familys.
Thare is about 4 thousand strangers here just now, and the liberal way
that they invest in the katharticks ov the situation iz suggestive.
Yesterday i saw a bride and her new feller at Congress Spring. She waz
a rosy and a roomy bride. He waz bilt to run in shallow water, rather a
light draft chap, i thought; but he took 9 consekutiff glasses without
flinching, and, i think, would have held one more.
He looked a hundred pounds bigger. I waz filled with horror at the
sight, but soon had aul mi fears soothed, when i saw almost everybody
present wash themsels internally with five or six tumblers full ov this
liquid salts and perilash.
Congress Hall iz being rebuilt with bricks on the old ground, and iz at
least 15 rods front on Broadway, with 2 wings az menny rods deep, and
will cost 400 thousand dollars, and will feed, sleep, and physick one
thousand festive sons and daughters at onst.
Evry house here, except the churches, iz a boarding house; aul the
femail seminiaries, and akademys of the arts and sciences, fill up
their summer vakations with spring-water pupils.
The great tiger ov the place iz the hi rock spring; this now flows over
its conical summit, something that it haz not done before for 300
years, and besides being a good artickle ov physick, is probably the
greatest natral curiousness this side ov the temple of Solomon, his 500
wives and 300 good-looking collaterals inkluded.
Take the kathartics out ov Saratogy, and thare wouldn't be ennything
left ov deep interest, but a pale yeller, sandy sile, that haint got
moral strength enuff in it tew hold a fense-post up straight, unless
the hole waz well manured first.
But, with some 10 or 15 ov theze mineral springs that will kure
ennything, from a broken heart tew the spring halt--water the most
sparkling--water that biles and bubbles, without money, and without
even stamps, and has biled ever since Cain waz a babe--I say, with such
a legacy, Saratogy iz today the surest place on the breast ov the earth
to git a good loose drink.
My stay here will necessarily be small; i kant git no track ov mi
Newfoundland pup, with one white foot and a star in his forehead; and
bizzness before drinking being one ov mi best holts, i shall leave here
before long for Montreal or Saint Lewis, in search ov the dogg.
The annual races passed oph with the usual amount ov burglarys, and
pocket-book thieveries, but I was told yesterday, by one ov the first
citizens, that yu kan leave a roll ov bank bills (since the races)
lying on the sidewalk, and noboddy would pick it up for the fust two
days.
I haven't tried this myself, nor don't intend to, for fear thare might
be just one slippery cuss left in the place, and one man could raize up
a rowl ov bills for me, just as eazy az 40 could.
I havn't got munny, nor grit enuff, to indulge in sich moral
experiments.
The ground, whare the old United States Hotel stood, remains kivered
with the debris ov that melankolly and hot fire, which reduced tew
ashes and old bricks, the most popular and fashionable dry goods
emporium in the universe ov America.
I have it from _Jenkins_, (who is here now gitting himself pliable,)
that az soon az one or two objectionable partners can be smoked out ov
the ring, then the balance ov them will build on the grounds a hotel
that will make--Rome howl.
The Union and the Clarendon are the two champions now, and both ov them
hav a full stummuk ov clean looking, and very decent ackting
passengers.
Thare iz sum very elaborate rigs here; one that I saw yesterday waz
quite "_uneak_." (I don't know whether this word iz just the thing tew
use in this spot, but it sounds big, and strange, and that iz awl that
I care for.)
The rig consisted ov a yello buggy, with a black bugger driving,
clothed in drab broadcloth, with bras buttons, and cockade on a plug
hat with a velvet belly band around it, and salmon colored gloves, and
a 10 foot whip-stork, with a spotted dogg under the front axletree, and
3 hosses in injun file, two blacks, and the one on the lead the color
ov cream.
_Jenkins_ told me, that they were the only shoddy team here, and
belonged tew a young fellow from Melankton 4 corners, in the state ov
Conneckticut, whose father has raked in 2 millions, by making beeswax
out ov a very little mutton tallow, and a good deal ov injun meal.
But it won't do to believe awl that _Jenkins_ sez; he has lied so
consekutive for the last 15 years, that hiz front teeth hav awl decayed
out.
One ov the perennial feeters ov Sarotogy, iz a drove ov tame injuns,
with their squaws, and young porpoises, who cum here each drinking
season, from the outlines ov Kanada, laiden with braided baskets, bags
ov beads, and harmless bows and arrows.
Theze people might hav bin good injuns onst, but each successive
porpoise grows paler, and meaner, and if it want for their nastyness,
there aint 3 boarding-school misses in the whole land, with poetry
enuff in their bild tew call them "the noble red men ov the forest."
The fact ov it iz, thare iz more truth than poetry in injuns, and the
_truth_ iz, that keyenne whiskey, and other kinds ov civilization, has
outflanked them.
It requires a grate deal ov good sense tew stand whiskey and
civilization.
A wild injun iz a most magnificent cuss without doubt, but a tame
injun, one with more milk than molasses in hiz face, iz almost az near
good for nothing, az a counterfit bill, on the bank ov Newfoundland.
Injuns, tew be good and profitable, must live at least 2 thousand miles
from ennyboddy else, and always stay at home, and never see a
missionary.
P.S.--I hav just this minnit received a dispatch that thare iz one more
nufoundland pupp in Freehold, New Jersey, this morning than thare waz
yesterday at this time, with a fu white hairs on the end ov his tail.
I shall start immegiately, and if i kan only rescue mi pup before he
gits contaminated, I shall be az proud az a rooster. In haste, good
bye.
JOSH BILLINGS.
XIX.
SUM VEGETABEL HISTORY.
The strawberry is one ov natur's sweet pets.
She makes them worth fifty cents, the fust she makes, and never allows
them tew be sold at a mean price.
The culler ov the strawberry iz like the setting sun under a thin
cloud, with a delicate dash of the rain bo in it; its fragrance iz like
the breath ov a baby, when it fust begins tew eat wintergreen
lossingers; its flavor is like the nektar which an old-fashioned
goddess used tew leave in the bottom ov her tumbler, when Jupiter stood
treat on Mount Ida.
There iz menny breeds ov this delightful vegetable, but not a mean one
in the whole lot.
I think i have stole them, laying around loose, without enny pedigree,
in sumboddy's tall grass, when I waz a lazy schoolboy, that eat dredful
easy, without enny white sugar on them, and even a bug occasionally
mixed with them in the hurry of the moment. Cherrys are good, but they
are too mutch like sucking a marble, with a handle tew it. Peaches are
good, if yu don't git enny ov the pin-feathers into yure lips.
Watermelons will suit ennyboddy who iz satisfied with half-sweetened
drink; but the man who can eat strawberrys, besprinkled with crushed
shuggar, and besmattered with sweet cream (at sumboddy else's expense),
and not lay hiz hand on hiz stummuk, and thank the author ov
strawberrys and stummuks, and the phellow who pays for the strawberrys,
iz a man with a worn-out conscience--a man whose mouth tastes like a
hole in the ground, that don't care what goes down it.
* * * * *
Kokernuts grow up in the air, in a hot climate way over the ocean,
about 80 feet from the ground--on the top ov a tree.
They are generally picked bi the monkeys in that naborhood, who throw
them at the natives, in exchange for the stones that the natives heave
at the monkeys.
They grow az a negro's head duz, with a good deal ov skull tew them.
A kokernut, after it haz bin scalpt, resembles an old ten pin ball,
only a little more round one way than tuther.
On the end ov the nut toward you iz 2 eyes, fast asleep. The kokernut
iz opened bi breaking the skull and this brings them tew their milk.
The milk in the kokernut haz never bin explained yet, and the reazon
iz, becauze noboddy has ever asked me tew do it.
Whenever the philosophers "giv it up," i shall reply tew the konundrum.
Az an artikle ov diet, the koker iz about on a level with the french
raw turnip, and iz az hard tew digest az one ov Secretary Seward's
letters ov State.
Biled koker might possibly be good, if it warnt a grate deal better
when it waz raw; and raw kokernuts iz only good for children and young
greyhounds tew eat, whose stummuks are like a nutmeg grater.
The only real good thing about this forrin nut iz its skull; they kan
be cut into 2, and made into drinking kups, and i must konfess, they do
look kind, when laid on a clean flatt stun in the side ov a meadow
spring; but i kant drink out ov them myself, without thinking that if
they hadn't been cut in 2, what a kapital thing they would be tew bild
a young darkey to.
But this iz only a phoolish noshun ov mine, and probably it couldn't be
did enny how.
* * * * *
It iz now about 8 or eleven years, since folks begun tew hanker after
the Tomater. About that time, sum doktor ov pills, dissekted one ov
theze vagrant vegetabels, and diskovered sum doktor stuff in them.
Az soon az folks found out they waz fisick, they begun tew be verry
sweet on the tomater.
At that time they waz in the habit ov growing in sly places, whare they
want afraid, over behind stone walls, amung broken jugs, ded kats, and
old injun-rubber boots, for peopel wouldn't let them grow in gardins
enny more than they would a kanaday thissell.
They were vagabond weeds, and even a woods hogg wouldn't eat one ov the
berrys that grew on them, enny quicker than he would a bawl ov red
stocking yarn.
But it waz decided that there waz sum pills in them, and they were putt
tu nuss, in pots, and vases, and lived on the phatt ov the land, in
hott houses, along side ov tiger lilys, and rozes ov Sharon.
It took most folks about 18 months ov perseverance and sea sickness,
tew git the tomater to go quietly down, and now, from a vile weed, more
smelly than a deseased klam, the tomatow haz actually got to be more
honorabel than a bukwheat slapjack, or even a punkin pie.
This shows what love and affekshun will do.
I haven't enny doubt that if Professor Ratsbane would say
profeshionally, that wasps nests waz good to make a mustash grow black,
half the men in the kuntry would git a wasp and go into the nest
bizzness.
I don't beleave a tomater will keep a man enny more helthy than red
clover will, but i am just like evry body else, i wanted tew git sum
better than i waz, and i went to skool to the tomato, and have got
learnt how tew eat them, if they are filled with salt and pepper, and
soaked well in good sider vinegar.
I hav seen folks pick them oph from the vines in the gardin, and eat
them right down alive; i would az soon undertake tew eat a handful ov
putty.
But tomatoze hav worked themselfs up to a necessary, and i am the last
man to injure their reputashun, for i beleave an innocent humbugg iz
just az mutch right tew win, (if they kan) az any other man.
There iz one thing I do hope, and that iz that nobody will undertake
tew make kastor ile one ov the luxurys until after i am dead, for
kastor ile and bed buggs iz 2 things that i solemly sware i won't hav,
if they git to be ever so fashinable.
XX.
JOSH REPLIZE TEW CORRESPONDENTS.
_Mastiff._--I kant tell yu the best kind ov a dogg tew buy; but for a
man of limited means, i think the wodden dogg iz the most cheapest.
They are the less liabel tew git out ov repare, and ain't awl the time
following folks oph. They kant wag their tales, but that kan be
remydied by having them made without enny. They are not apt tew be
noizy in the night; but if yu want one tew frighten away the robbers,
awl yu hav got tew dew iz tew hav one made with the bark on.
_Walton._--Yu are right about it; the bull-head aint a game fish,
although they die hard. I kant giv yu enny posatiff rule to be a game
fisher. Pashunce iz a good thing tew hav. I would advise yu to
practiss, for the fust year, in a tan vat, with a leather line, and a
skillet handle for a fish hook; yu may not ketch mutch fish, but yu
will learn how tew twitch butifully.
_Davenport._--I beleave in the doktrin ov spiritualism--that iz, i
beleave it iz a smart doktrin. A man haz tew hav a United States
juggler's license now before he kan beleave in the doktrin. I beleave
in raps on the table, but when i hear them cum pretty loud and fast i
make up mi mind that sumboddy iz gitting badly eukered. I don't
rekolekt ov but one communikashun between spirits that iz menshuned in
the Bible, and that took place between Lazarus and another gentleman.
It iz pleasant to know that one ov these spirits waz a pure one, and
that he had awl the advantage (ov the other gentleman) in the argument,
and in the posishun.
_Eazell._--I kant tell yu who painted the Greek Slave; she aint on
exhibishun. They are gitting the fine arts almost perfeck now-a-days.
One feller in Pittsburg haz painted a sorrell hors so perfekly that the
hair awl cum oph from the hors. And another fellar haz just _finished_
a Durham cow that he had _salted down_ last fall for family use. And
another artiss haz got a Nufoundland pupp in hiz studio reddy--that he
haz bin offered 10 dollars for bi the owner, and no questions asked.
_Parent._--I kant tell yu the best way tew bring up a boy; but, if i
had one that didn't lie well enuff tew suit me, i think now i would set
him tew tending a dri goods store. Probably, one ov the best ways to
bring up a boy in the way he should go, iz tew travel that woy
ourselfs, once in a while. Still thare aint no sure thing; I have seen
them brought up az kerful az a lappdog, and then go tew the devil jist
az soon az they could strike the right track. And then agin, i hav saw
them cum out ov sumboddy's gutter and wash up like a dimond. Raising
boys iz a good deal like raising colts; if yu don't git more than one
out ov ten that iz a fast one, yu are dewing fust rate. A grate menny
men hanker for a boy tew transmit their reputashun to! i konsider this
about az risky az the hen's egg bizzness; thare iz always sum chances
agin it--one iz, that the eggs may be spilte before they start for
market, and another iz, they may git busted in carrying.
XXI.
LIST OF HOUSEN TEW LET.
FURNISHED AND UNFURNISHED.
BI * * * * *.
_Real Estate Agent and Property Broker._
_Number One_--Gothick cottage, (with chimbleys, and windo blinds
attached,) and water, (in the suller,) lokated for the present on the
south-east angle ov Soap and Myrtle streets; house kontains a bay
windo; would suit a lawyer or a blacksmith. Rent, for the summer
months, (including the good will ov the naberhood,) $4,500. No children
and doggs aloud on the premises. Cards, tew view the hous, kan be
obtained ov the agent (admitting a gentleman and 2 ladys) for the
trifling sum ov 5 dollars. N.B.--This hous waz taken yesterday, and
customers are forbid tew bother the agent bi inquiring about it.
_Number Two_--Will be tew rent in a fu daze; the hous iz being put in
perfeck order bi being whitewashed, and the floor sprinkled with sum
sand. This hous is a cross ov the Ionian & Dorick style, waz built when
lumber waz skarse, and iz almitey hard finished throughout, rat-holes
awl plugged up, and a bottle ov bed bugg pizen, neatly labeled, and
hung up in each room. To a tenant who kan bring testimony, and a good
pedigree, this hous would be leased for a term ov 30 or 40 years, for
about 2,500 hundred dollars a year, the tenant tew pay the taxes, and
remove the mortgages now on the premises, and put in the gass, and git
the hous insured for 6,000 dollars, and assign the polisy tew the agent
az collatteral security for the faithful performanse ov the kontrakt.
N.B.--If thare iz enny things else that i hav forgot tew menshun about
the terms, the tenant kan hav them inserted, when the papers are drawed
up, without extra charge.
_Number Three_--Iz kompletely furnished with gass fixtures and meether,
and ile cloth in the front hall, and pegs in the closets, and back
verandy. This delightful property iz now occupied bi a phisician,
("whose sands ov life hav about run out,") and sum ov the rent would be
took in boarding the phisician ("whose sand iz about run thru,") and
hiz wife, and wife's oldest sister, and her unkle, and the 9 children,
who are awl lite eaters, havin bin kept for the laste 6 months on sperm
kandle soup. Tew a tenant who could loan the phisician $1,500 or two
thousand dollars, and take a first mortgage on the furniture in the
hous, a liberal rent would be named, payable quarterly in advanse.
P.S.--fust cum, fust git.
_Number Four_--Iz the property ov a two-millionaire, who iz about going
tew Urope with hiz entire family, tew spend sum munny. This hous haz
one ov Chickering's 10 oktave, iron-frame, overstrung bass, rosewood,
round kornered, pearl keyed, pianners, built expressly for the owner bi
Mr. Chickering himself, after the design ov the pantheon in Rome,
(Italy,) and also haz a hole cut thru the roof, from which the North
star kan be distinktly seen with the naked eye. Rent iz no objeck--tew
a small family ov one or two persons, this hous could be had, if
applied for within 2 daze, at the nominal prise ov 20,000 dollars a
month, reckoning 26 working days tew the month.
_Also_--A superb hoss ov a black culler, warranted 16 hands hi, ov
grate enduranse, tew stand without tieing, and kan trot in 2:53; would
make a good card for a hearse hoss.
XXII.
LAUGHING.
It never haz been proved, that enny ov the animal kreation hav
attempted tew laff, (we are quite certain that none hav succeded;) thus
this deliteful episode and pleasant power appears tew be entirely
within the province ov humans. It iz the language ov infancy--the
eloquense ov childhood,--and the power tew laff is the power to be
happy. It is becoming tew awl ages and conditions; and (with the very
few exceptions, sakred tew sorrow) an honest, hearty laff iz always
agreeable and in order. It iz an index ov karakter, and betrays sooner
than words.--Laffing keeps oph sickness, and haz conquered az menny
diseases az ever pills have, and at mutch less expense.--It makes
flesh, and keeps it in its place.--It drives away weariness and brings
a dream ov sweetness tew the sleeper.--It never iz covetous.--It
ackompanys charity, and iz the handmaid ov honesty.--It disarms
revenge, humbles pride, and iz the talisman ov kontentment.--Sum have
kalled it a weakness--a substitute for thought, but really it
strengthens wit, and adorns wisdum, invigorates the mind, gives
language ease, and expreshun elegance.--It holds the mirror up tew
beauty; it strengthens modesty, and makes virtue heavenly. It iz the
light ov life; without it we should be but animated ghosts. It
challenges fear, hides sorrow, weakens despair, and carries haff ov
poverty's bundles.--It costs nothing, comes at the call, and leaves a
brite spot behind.--It iz the only index ov gladness, and the only buty
that time kannot effase.--It never grows old; it reaches from the
cradle clear tew the grave. Without it, love would be no pashun, and
fruition would show no joy.--It iz the fust and the last sunshine that
visits the heart; it was the warm welkum ov Eden's lovers, and was the
only capital that sin left them tew begin bizzness with outside the
Garden ov Pardise.
XXIII.
LYING.
As easy az it iz to lie, I am astonished that thare are so few engaged
in the bizzness, and that so few fust-rate lies are ever told.
I am not prepared to say how mutch real sin thare iz in what iz kalled
a light-colored lie, that haz no maliss or evil result in it, but I
have alwus notised that the heft ov mankind love to excel in awl they
undertake, and I can't tell how long a man would be willing to tell
white lies for fun when he might be turning an honest penny for himself
by telling black ones.
Men don't generally bekum drunkards by confinning themselfs stricktly
tew sweet sider.
Lieing is the lowest grade of sin,--it is more cowardly than stealing,
bekause thare is less risk in it--it is more demoralising than
burglary, bekause there is no cure for it,--it is more dangerous than
swareing, bekause swareing don't hurt enny boddy else,--it waz the fust
sin committed, bekause it was the easiest and most natral, and it will
probably be the last one committed, bekause no man ever gits so poor
and degraded but what he kan tell quite a respectabel lie.
Lieing is said tew be constitushionall in sum folks,--so is the itch
constitushionall, because folks hang around whare it is, and won't
doktor for it after they git caught by it.
Finally--I might as well own it--I hav told a few very fair lies
myself, but i kant reckollect ov one that I feel proud ov now.
XXIV.
PERKUSSION CAPS.
I hold that a man has jist as mutch rite tew spel a word as it is
pronounsed, as he has tew pronounse it the way it aint spelt.
Sticking up our nose don't prove enny thing, for the most sensitiff
person in the world, when he is away from his kittles, is a bone biler.
But fu sights, in this life, are more sublime and pathetick, than tew
see a poor, but virtuous yung man, full ov christian fortitude,
struggling with a mustatch.
Common sense is most ginnerally dispised bi those who haint got it.
If I was asked which was the best way, in these days ov temptashun, tew
bring up a boy, i should say--bring him up the back way.
It don't require enny edukashun tew tell the truth, but tew lie well
dus.
We are told "that an honest man is the noblest _work_ ov God"--but the
demand for the _work_ has been so limited, that i hav thought a large
share ov the fust edishun must still be in the author's hands.
Men don't seem never tew git tired ov talking about themselfs, but i
hav heard them when i thought they showed signs ov weekness.
If yu would make yurself agreeable, wherever yu go, listen tew the
grivences ov others, but never relate yure own.
Sum folks are always trieing tew see thru a millstone edgeways, when,
if they would only turn it over on the flat side, they could look rite
thru the hole.
Buty is like a ranebow--full ov promis, but short lived.
It aint best tu swop with yure relashuns, unless yu kan afford tew giv
them the butt end ov the trade.
Amung the blu laws ov Konnekticut, (which are now obsolute,) are
this--"No man shall chaw turbakker on Sunday, unless he swallers the
spit."
Also, "No yung woman shal hav a rite tew git marrid, who kant make a
donut that will keep at least one year, without loseing its twist."
I beleave in the universal salvashun ov men, but I want tew pick the
men.
I beleave in suggar coated pills.--I also beleave that virtue and
wisdum kan be smuggled into a man's soul bi a good natured proverb,
better and deeper than tew be mortised into it with a wormwood mallet
and chissell.
The pure don't gro old enny more than a mountain spring dus.
I don't think thare is enny rule for long life. I hav known men tew die
before they was 40, from the effek ov a vegatabel diet, and i hav known
others tew liv 75 years on salt pork and sider brandy, and then quit
the pork on akount ov their helths, and live 15 years longer on the
sider brandy alone.
"Give me liberty, or giv me deth"--but ov the 2 I prefer the liberty.
As in a game ov cards, so in the game ov life, we must play what is
dealt tew us, and the glory consists, not so mutch in winning, as in
playing a poor hand well.
The time tew pray is not when we are in a tight spot, but jist as soon
as we git out ov it.
"The Lord tempers the wind to the shorn lamb," but it is man's
bissiness tew see that he don't shear the lamb tew cluss.
XXV.
ONE WEEK FROM MY DIAREE.
MONDAY.--Had suckers for breakfast. Suckers and sussagis are the 2
luxuries ov life; the other luxury iz eazy boots. Answered several
letters ov grate moment.
TUESDAY.--Awoke with a splendid headache, cauzed by drinking tew much
spring water the evening previously, and going tew bed at 9 o'clock
precisely. Breakfasted on the butt end ov a sassige; felt like a dogg.
Sett down in my little chamber for reflekshun, and reflekted as
follers:
Rekolekted ov hearing a man, on the levee, in Saint Lewis, once say
"that the steambote Perary Flower drew less water than any bote an the
Missouri." I asked him, "how little she could draw?" After changing
sides with hiz chaw ov tobacco, he calmly said, "About 2 barrels." I
reflekted what a phool this man made ov himself, and ov me too.
WEDNESDAY.--Rekolekted ov asking a man in Minnysota, if beans waz a
sure krop in hiz parts. He sed "they waz az certain az a revolver."
Reflekted upon the danger ov carrying concealed weapons.
Rekolekted again ov being in Nu Hampshire, during a severe sno storm,
and innocently enuff remarked, "that i never see ennything like it,"
and waz told by one ov the bar-room boarders, "that it want nothing,
that he had seen it fall over a thousand feet." "What," sed i, "a
thousand feet on the level?" "No," said he, "but a thousand feet from
on high." I reflekted how eazy it waz for sum folks tew lie, and tell
the truth at the same time.
THURSDAY.--Rekolekted once more ov being on the Red River, in Arkansaw,
and seeing a large piece ov frame-work, by the side ov the road;
enquired ov a private citizen, who was leading a blind mule by one ov
hiz ears, "what the frame-work mought be?" He sed, "it was a blind
fiddle, and it took three yoke ov oxen tew draw the bow, and they had
tew haw and gee tew change the tune." Reflekted on that passidge in the
poeck, which sez "man is fearfully and wonderfully made;" and thought
the remark might apply tew fiddles in Arkansaw, without spileing the
remark.
FRIDAY.--Visited mi washwoman, and blowed her up, for sewing ruffles
and tucks onto the bottom ov mi drawers.
[Illustration: Josh Billings, upon remonstrating with his washerwoman
for sewing tucks onto the bottom of his drawers, is told that the
clothes have only been mixed.--_See page 93._]
She was thunderstruck at fust, but explained the mystery by saying,
"she had sent me a pair, by mistake, that belonged to * * * *;" I
blushed like a biled lobster, and told her she couldn't be too keerful
about such things; i might hav bin ruined for life.
SATURDAY.--Wrote this diaree for the week, from memory, and am
satisfied i hav got a good memory. Reflekted upon the vanity ov human
wishes, reflekted how often i had wished tew be ritch, and how seldum
mi wishes had bin gratified. Resolved, in the futur, not tew wish for
ennything until i had it 3 weeks, and see how i liked it.
JOSH BILLINGS--Dispensed with a new born critick who had tried hard tew
be severe on my Book ov Sayings, thusly:--Dear Sir, I have red yure
kriticism on mi book, and muss say, it don't cum haf way up tew mi
expectations. Yu seem tew hav in a big degree one essenshall for a bull
critick, that is a grate willingness tew _damn_, but yu lack entirely
another ingredient which is awl important: yu don't know how tew bild a
_dam_. Upon the whole, i am forced tew admit, that you are a poor
_damn_ crittick.
Yure Lover,
JOSH BILLINGS.
XXVI.
AMERIKAN ARISTOKRASY.
VIEWED BY JOSH BILLINGS.
Political ekonomists hav defined an aristokrasy as a power or
government in which a privileged few hold dominyun.
I am not aware that sich a government exists, in a pure form, at the
present day among the nashuns ov the earth.
But we kant be mistaken in the fackt that even in our own Republick
thare are menny kandidates who would luv to participate in the peculiar
privileges ov an aristokrasy.
We hav divided Amerikan Aristokrasy (jist for fun) into 3 piles--the
moneyed, the mackrel, and the pedigree aristokrats.
Not having much time tew spare, we pitch into them a good deal as
follers:
The moneyed aristokrats are like certain fine coated animals, worth
just what their hides will bring.
The mackrels are remarkable for their numbers and the small kapital
they dew bizziness on; and while arrayed in their false dignity, and
straining hard tew cheat us in awl things, are like a drunken man
trieing tew walk a krack.
The pedigrees hav mutch innosense and little courage. Content with the
glory ov their ancestors, they are satisfied in holding under our noses
a grandfather's fossils, and fondly beleaf that the bones make them
smell ov greatness.
Finally, trieing tew be a fust klass aristokrat in America, just yet,
appears tew us tew be almost as flattring an enterprise as climbing a
greased pole. Thare is great doubt about our being able tew reach the
top, and if we dew succeed (and don't pull the pole up after us) we
will soon hav the mortifikashun ov seeing some other sheumaker climbing
up the same pole.
MORAL--Don't be an aristokrat if you kan help it.
XXVII.
LOVE.
The only natural feeling the young heart possesses is love. It is the
first good thing the heart dus, and in after life it is often the only
good thing it dus.
Thare is no posatif virtue in love, and yet it may be the result ov the
holyest ov virtues.
But thare is, in this life, a vast deal ov Pontoon love, that has no
more virtue in it than wooden nutmegs hav.
Thare is, "Love undying," that generally lives about as long as
uncorked ginger pop dus.
Thare is "Love Untold," which is alwus told tew ennyboddy who will
listen to it, and is as full ov pathos as a pork and beans nightmare.
And thare is "Love at sight," to which I will add Love for 90 days.
These are sum ov the different kinds ov love that are denominated
pashun, and form much ov the trading capital that lovers do bissness
on.
There is not much sin in these different styles ov love; they don't
seem tew git up tew the dignity ov sin; thare is deception in them
without doubt; but the deception is like Costar's celebrated Rat
Exterminator, it won't hurt ennyboddy else but the rats.
I am not prepared to say that I would like to see these things dun away
with, for sumthing wuss might spring up in the place ov them; they seem
tew be necessary in carrying on a trade in which judgment has to yield
to fancy, and fancy is too often forced to yield to nonsense.
If we could (enny ov us) have our old courtship written out and given
to us for perusal, we should probably look upon it as we would upon a
Chinese comick almanick, unable tew understand the pikturs and
satisfied that the astronomical calculations were never designed for
our latitude.
XXVIII.
THE GAME OF YEWKER.
This ill-bred game ov kards is about 27 years old.
It was fust diskovered by the deck hands on a lake Erie steam Boat, and
handed down by them tew posterity in awl its juvenile beauty.
It is generally played by 4 persons and owes mutch ov its absorbingness
tew the fackt that yu kan talk, and drink, and chaw, and cheat while
the game is advancing.
I have seen it played on the Hudson River Railroad, in the smoking
cars, with more immaculate skill than ennywhare else.
If yu play thare, yu will often hold a hand that will astonish you,
quite often 4 queens and a 10 spot, which will inflame you to bate 7 or
8 dollars that it is a good hand tew play poker with; but you will be
more astonished when you see the other feller's hand, which invariably
consists ov 4 kings and a one spot.
Yewker is a mollatto game, and don't compare tew old sledge in majesty,
enny more than the game ov pin does to a square church raffle.
I never play yewker.
I never would learn how, out ov principle.
I was originally created cluss to the Connektikut line, in Nu England,
whare the game ov 7 up, or old sledge, was born, and exists now in awl
its pristine virginity.
I play old sledge, tew this day, in its natiff fierceness.
But I won't play enny game, if I know my charakter, whare a jack will
take an ace, and a ten spot won't count game.
I won't play no such kind ov a game, out ov respekt to old Connekticut,
mi natiff place.
XXIX.
NOW AND THEN.
In anshunt days, men, after konsidering an enterprise, proceeded with
energee tew execute it; _now_ they shut up one eye, and "pitch in."
In old times, if their judgment sanctioned, they considered the
chances; _now_, they "let her rip."
_Then_, they drank moderately ov water and brandy; _now_, they smile
aquafortiss, and suk sweet scented turpentine, thru a quill.
_Then_, if circumstancis made it imperativ, they closed their
bissiness, by affekting an honarabil compromise; _now_, they "cave in,"
"squeal," or "absquat."
_Then_, kontrary opinyuns were okassionally supported with reasonabel
wagers; _now_, every man "bets his pile," or "bottom Dollar."
_Then_, they went a mile in forti-two, with an easy rein; _now_, in 2
forti, under a strong pull.
_Then_, most familys held from 6 to 10 healthy children, within its
hallowed sirkle a radiant mother, and a stalwart sire; _now_, too oftin
a puny father, with unsertin knees, a romantik madame, with a pale lily
at her breast, a wet nuss, 2 Bridgits and a kennel ov sore eyed pups.
_Then_, they went tew meeting, to hear a docktrin sermon, and be
humbell before God; _now_, they flaunt into holy palaces, and pay out
fortunes every year, to lounge on velvet, and hear the Bible amateured,
by a daintee gentleman, who handles their sins as he would a sleeping
infant.
_Then_, our halls ov legislatur were filled with honest patriots;
_now_, with clever bandits, whose courtesys dwell upon the tips ov
buoyknives, and whose eloquence and arguments are couchant in the
chambers ov deadly revolvers.
_Then_, we had youths apprenticed to a honest calling, whose indenters
were diplomas; _now_, pale young gentlemen, emulous ov fisick, or the
law, who are pendant to the perlews ov the courts and colleges,
watching for the falling ov a crumb.
_Then_, we had maidens until they had bin looked upon bi at least 20
summers, and were modest enuff tew pick out a husband from a skore ov
earenst and honest men, whoze very eyes had the promis ov bread in
them; _now_, 15 summers make a woman, (or what we are obliged tew take
for one,) and one so ripe too, that he who fust shakes the bush, gits
the eager fruit.
_Then_, our literatur and learning waz drawn from sound philosophee, or
quaint proverbs ov sense, and the fu books that prevailed was good;
_now_, evryboddy writes a book, and evry phool reads it; learning is
sterotiped, and wisdom iz only 12 shillings a vollume.
_Then_, industry kreated wants, virtew tempered them, and frugality
supplied them; _now_, luxury haz taken the plase ov industry, pride the
plase ov virtew, and extravaganse the plase ov frugality.
_Then_, men ware solisituss about their karakters; _now_, about their
pedigrees.
_Then_, they found health at hum; _now_, they hunt for it bi travell.
Finally--if our Grand Pops should cum among us, with the plans and
precepts ov a hundred years ago, we, in our impudence and wickedness,
would be caught laffing at them, while they, in virtuous sorrow, would
be in tears over us, and thus would be enakted the scenes which alwus
ensews when fools and sages meet.
XXX.
OATS.
Munny has dun one thing fur the world that no thing else could hav did
so well--it has developed the phools.
The best kind ov advice fur me tew foller is this: "Pay tew the order
ov Josh Billings 50 dollars and charge mi akount--John Burch." I had
rather hav 10 Dollars ov this kind ov advice than six hundred in
Christian consolashun; there is more sassage in it.
Although mankind worship wealth, I will give them credit fur one
thing--they seldom mistake it fur brains.
Most aul the grate things hav bin did by taking the chances. Prudence
has but one eye, while fortune has a thousand.
If a man has 2 stummuks and 2 outsides, thare might be sum excuse fur
adding 10 thousand dollars more each year tew his pile.
I don't read enny boddy else's poetry but Homer's, upon the same
principle that i alwus drink, when it is just as handy, out ov a
spring, instead ov the outlet.
Treason is one ov them kind ov stains that wash well.
If a man has got tew be poor aul his life, I aint sure but it would be
sum munny in his pocket tew be ignorant.
Fust class virtu is alwus anxus tew avoid temptashun.
Yu kant transplant a Yaukee suckcessfully without taking up a good deal
ov the sile with the roots.
Originality in writing is as diffikult as gitting a fishpole by the
side ov a trout brook--aul the good poles hav bin cut long ago.
It is easy enuff tew git religion, but tew hold it is what bothers a
fellow. A good grip is better than rubis--yea! than mutch fine cotten
cloth.
I enjoy a good laff--one that rushes out ov a man's soul like the
breaking up ov a Sunday school; but a laff that cums tew the surface,
as the hickucks cum, or backs out ov a man, like the struggles ov a
chicken choked with a chunk ov haff wet dough, i utterly lament.
Thare aint no poetry in poverty, but enny number ov feet ov blank
verse.
When a fellow knows he is being stared at, it makes him act as unnatral
as though he wos setting fur his picktur.
I am called a "broad humorist," and i am glad ov it: thare is plenty ov
narrow humorists in the country without me.
Enny man who will kompell a woman tew make a shirt fur 20 cents, ought
tew be filled full ov fish-hooks and be used for bait tew ketch other
sharks with.
Silence is one ov the negativ virtews.
XXXI.
WATERFALLS.
I rather like waterfalls.
I kant tell _why_, enny more than I kan tell why I love kastor ile--but
kastor ile is good for a lazyness in the system.
I don't like laziness ov no sort--not even in muskeeters.
I want my muskeeters lively.
But aul this iz foreign tew mi purposs.
I like waterfalls--they are so eazy and natural.
They attack all the sex.
Some they attack with grate fury, while others they approach more like
a siege, working up slowly.
I saw one yesterday.
It want no bigger than a small French turnup.
It had attaked a small woman ov only 9 summers duration.
She waz full ov recreation, and when she bounded along the sidewalk the
waterfall highsted up and down in an ossillating manner, resembling
mutch the sportive terminus ov a bob-tailed lamb, in a grate hurry.
The effeck was purely eclectick.
I also saw another one pretty soon, which belonged tew a mature matron.
She might hav saw 75 summers; her hair waz white az flour (Perkins "A,"
worth 15 dollars a barrell, delivered); but the waterfall was black.
I asked a bystander how he could account for that.
He said "it waz younger."
I also saw another one pretty soon, which waz the property ov a gusher.
She was about 19 years old, and waz az ripe az a 2 year peach.
She swept the streets like a thing of life.
Men stopped to gaze az she pazsed, and put in a new chew ov tobacco.
Little boys pocketed their marbles in silence.
Her waterfall waz about the size ov a corn-basket turned inside out.
It waz inklozed in a common skap net, and kivered with blazing dimonds
ov glass.
It shone in the frisky sun like the tin dome on the Court House, whare
the supervizors meet.
But i rather like waterfalls.
It haz bin sed that they would run out, but this i think iz a error,
for they don't show no leak yet.
In the language of the expiring Canadian, on our northern frontier, I
say--"_Vive la Bag-a-tale_."
XXXII.
POLITENESS.
I hav looked into the philosophy ov politeness, with grate fierceness,
and see the thing in the followin light:
Ginowine politeness is a nice mixture ov vanity and good natur,
invigerated bi virtue, and chastened bi policy.
It will take a man along slikly, whose money and impudence, and even
religion, singly, would git stuck.
Nobody can stand, without quailing, before a broadside ov ginowine
politeness; it will make even a Pawnee Injun grow limber.
It mite not save a man from gitting kicked bi a mule, but it would save
him from gitting near enuff tew git kicked.
Thare is one other compound in ginowine perliteness, which gives it
terrifick force, and that is deference.
Deference will win oftener than double sixes.
If you want tew beat a man out ov his opinyun, let him hav his own way
till you cum tew the forks in the road, then you kan take him jist
which road you please.
I am not prepared tew call deference always a virtue, bekause it may
exist, and only be an art, or stratagem.
If it is natural, it quite often degenerates into servility, and if
artifishall, it merges into fraud, or cunning. Love without deference,
is nothing more than a raid.
The deference that exists between equals, (altho pleasant tew look
upon,) is not alwus flatterin tew think about; lions are necessarily
polite tew each other, but when lions bekum polite tew the lams, then
will deference reveal its true sublimity.
Thare is 2 kinds of politeness, the ripe, and the too mutch ripe
politeness; a goose has a grate deal ov this last kind ov politeness; i
have seen them lower their heds while going into a barn door, that was
18 foot high.
JOSH BILLINGS.
XXXIII.
DREAMS.
If yu are handsum, cultivate yure boots; if yu are hoamly, hoe yure
branes.
* * * * *
"Shut Nu Ingland out in the cold!"--i should as soon think ov shutting
the cold out ov Nu England.
* * * * *
I luv tu meet an old feller ov 70 on the rode, hanging on tu a pare ov
trotters. Old fellers! don't give up yure pull, till yure obliged tew.
* * * * *
Thare ain't mutch virgin virtchew in this world; it is purty mutch aul
Magdalen.
* * * * *
The trew province ov economy is tu see how mutch munny we kan liv the
clussest on.
* * * * *
The sudden ritch quite often find themselfs in the same ficks that
mullatters are--just above what they started from, and just belo what
they started for.
* * * * *
He who draws his experience from the past iz alwus a man, and he who
draws his experience from the futur iz always a child.
* * * * *
If yu kant git good clothes and eddicashun too, git the clothes.
* * * * *
Say "How are ye" tew everyboddy.
* * * * *
If yu argy, alwus git beet.
XXXIV.
JOSH CORRESPONDS.
_Jenkins_--Yure letter is full ov very foolish questions, but sum ov
them are worth answering.
I kant tell whether dogs are born with a bob-tail on them, or whether
they ain't, but i am inclined tew think they am.
I think they am, bekause I never see enny dogs' tails laying around
loose, without enny dog to them.
But thare is one thing that bothers me too, and that is, i kant see why
it aint just as easy for a dog tew be born with a whole tail on him as
with a bob piece, when he is about it; still, if the dog has got tew be
skant sumwhare, perhaps it is good judgment tew take it oph on the
longest end.
The more we sarch these things, Jenkins, the more curerisser they am.
Natur don't dew ennything without sum good reason of her own. If she
raises a bob-tailed dog, she don't dew it for fun, but for the dog's
welfair; perhaps the dog, if he had bin borned with a whole tail, might
hav had it bit oph by a sheep or sumthing.
So yu see, Jenkins, thare is figureing in aul these things.
As i told yu in mi last letter, you must study natur and wisdum more,
and then yu won't hav tew ask so menny phoolish questions.
A bob-tailed dog aint half so apt tew hav the tiphus fever as a
long-tailed dog is--this stands tew reason.
A long-tailed dog kan wag more than a bob-tailed dog kan; but wagging
ov aul kinds, is about played out.
If i should ever git able tew keep a dog, i should selekt a bob-tailed
one, for two reasons. One is, yu git more dog and less tail; and the
other is, thare aint no good place for the boys tew hitch a tin pail
onto them behind.
I had rather have one bob-tailed dog, if he was ever so small, than tew
hav six long-tailed ones, if they was ever so big. I might not be so
ritch, but i could invest the other 5 dogs in bank stock, which would
be better than nothing.
Thare is one thing, Jenkins, yu, nor no other man ever see, with the
naked eye, and that is a long-tailed dog that didn't hav fleas on him.
If yu want to hang up a dog by the tail, I am reddy tew allow that the
long-tailed ones are the handyest--but the best way, ennyhow, to hang a
dog, is by the neck.
In my next letter tew yu I will tell yu sum more news about dogs, but
in the mean time yu must prop yure eyes open, and keep up a devil ov a
thinking, and wisdum, by-and-by, will cum and sit on yu, and tell yu
awl about it, which ov the two is the most necessary, the bob, or the
long-tailed dog.
That part ov yure letter, in which yu ask me about Herring, iz full ov
very young and half-biled questions, sum ov which are tew easy tew
spend enny time answering; but thare is sum ov them more tuff, which I
may as well split up for yu now as enny time.
Herring is a small fish that lives in schools. They are used as
vittles, and resemble, very mutch, when they are cooked, a paper ov
stewed pins. They are cooked by being tanned in the smoke, and then are
et raw. They are generally served up with crackers and water. Crackers
and herring are as free from moisture as Daball's arithmetick, and will
keep without spileing, as long as the rule ov 3.
They are handy tew eat; you kan eat them on a run, or not, just as yu
hav a mind to.
Thare is one thing very awful about a herring; they hav got but one
bowell, and that is about the sise ov a chalk line when it is stretched
tight; this gives their stummuks a penurious look.
Bones is what a herring has the most ov; they are as full ov bone as a
rat's tail.
Yu ask me, "if the herrin and sturgin are the same fish?" This question
beats enny one i ever heard ov its sise; a child 2 hours old knows
better than that.
Jenkins, yu will either hav tew be born agin, or else pull oph yure
shoes and run out tew grass one summer, before yu will kno mutch.
_Nimrod_--I will write yu more at length after sheep-shearing, and will
merely suggest now that yu hav got rong noshuns about mankind in
general. Mankind in general is as oncertin as a wasp's nest, and wants
as mutch cluss watching as a mule's hind legg.
I hav got so poor an opinion ov mankind in general (as far as i hav
got) that if i was in a destitute condishun i would rather trust tew mi
luck than tew my virtue for sunbeams.
In relation tew that chunk ov skripture which yu ask me about, "Be yee
as wise as a sarpient, but harmless as a deer," don't mistake it for a
dose of catnip tea or herb drink; it warn't meant for a weak
prescription; it is a kind ov iron-klad missionary ship, and means
sharp work, on the sly.
Yure idee about the friendship ov the world is 4 miles tew leeward ov
the channel; friendship is like the magnetic needle, thare is certin
causes that will make it vary sideways sumtimes, but when it settles
down tew stiddy work it alwus pints tew the pole--and the fellow that
owns the needle owns the pole.
And as for human happiness, Nimrod, don't hunt for it, and yu may
acksidentally cum across sum ov it. Hunting happiness is a good deal
like hunting crows; when yu haint got yure gun with yu, yu kan alwas
git a grate deal nearer tew the crows.
XXXV.
NUZE CUTS FROM OUR EXCHANGES.
The "_Shanghi Dispatch_" advertises for "a Devil, not over 14 years ov
good moral karacter.--References exchanged.--The young Devil will be
expekted tew board with his father, espeshily during the cold weather."
* * * * *
The "_Nevada Brick_" says, "thare will be a total eklips of the moon,
next month, visibel with the naked eye, only tew the subskribers ov the
"_Brick_." Send in your subskriptions for the year at onst."
* * * * *
The "_Mock Turtle Bulletin_" learns "that onions in his lokality won't
be more than half a crop, owing tew the number ov akers sewed, and the
small size of the seed," and advises hiz patrons "tew lay in their
assyfedity now, for the winter, while it iz low."
* * * * *
The "_Mohunk Ledger_" "highsts the name ov John tyler, solitary and
alone, for the next president, and gives hiz reasons."--(We doubt the
polisy of this nominashun, for he haz bin run into the ground onse
already.)
* * * * *
The "_Mutton Hollow Day Book & People's Register_" thus reports the
acksident, ov a moral karacter, on the Peuterville railroad. "The
konduktor ov the 10.15 train going east, when he got tew the end ov his
route, had 19 dollars he couldn't account for. This iz the fust
acksident ov the kind, ever diskovered on the road, and we kan assure
the traveling publik, will probably be the last."
* * * * *
The "_Reedsburgh Journal_" "learns from good authority, that the wife
ov a laborer, in that vicinity, gave birth tew six fine healthy
children," and then adds, "but not awl tew onst."
* * * * *
The "_Olive Branch_" a black republikan sheet, sez, "the grasshoppers,
having et up everything green thing in our naberhood, hav pitched onto
things blue, sech az whetstones, and demokrats, and are dieing oph bi
the thousands, in consequentz."
The "_Oakville Banner_" don't beleave in the above akount, and adds,
"the fackt that the editor of the "_Olive Branch_" still lives, iz
proof enuff that the green things aint all destroyed yet."
In the colums of the "_Weekly Bred_" of date Oct. 16, we see it
announced, that "the sorrel Hen ov deakon Abijeir Phillips lade an egg
which weighed, after it waz kold, 7 pounds with an affidavit tew it,
before Square Sturgiss, justis of peace." And then the editor goes on
to say, "the hen haz bin dewing better ever sinse."--(We should think
it would be hard work for her tew do mutch better.)
* * * * *
The "_Monthly Reckord_" learns, thru her country correspondent, "that
the maple sugar krop will be bigger next year, than for the last 90
years, and that we shall have a dreadful hard winter, for the geese are
getting reddy; he never knu them so tuff tew bile, as they are this
fall."
* * * * *
The "_Perary Flower_" cums tew us with a long and Abel artikle on
punkin pize. The editor sez, "he waz early from konnekticut, and waz
born on punkin pi, and would be willing tew die on them almost, with
nutmeg in them. He remembers distinktly, how hiz grate grandmother used
tew mix them up, and how he used tew dip into the mix, on the sli." He
further winds up bi saying, "that it iz az natural for a yankee tew
stand on a punkin pi, az it iz for a setter dorg tew sett on a
woodcock, or a Frenchman tew point on a frog's hind legs." (I agree
with this feller fully; i waz onse from Nu England myself, and punkin
pize waz the fust real sass ov mi boyhood, and at this late time ov
day, seems to be the principle swivel in the chain, that binds me tew
the land whare basswood punkin seeds, and wooden nutmegs, are grown
only for exportation.)
XXXVI.
DEAD BEATS.
No man ever jumps az fur az he kan, but once.
If the wicked really stand on slippery places, the best thing the
rightyus kan do is to keep oph from the ice.
Thare is no religion in simply travelling 4 miles an hour, nor enny
actual sin in a 2.40 gate.
"Position is everything;" position of a comma, for instanse. "Thare is
a divinity that shapes our ends rough, hew them as we will."
If I was called upon to say how I thought the Devil looked and ackted,
i should kompare him to the man who sells rum by the glass, and never
drinks enny himself.
Wits are like hornets,--they hav but few intimates.
Thiefs are remarkabel for their taking _ways_;
Ragmen for their light _weighs_;
Dairymaids for their sweet _wheys_;
Boston for her _byways_.
Courting,--home on a furlough.
I maid up mi mind, more than 6 months ago, that this world wa'n't made
for phools; and when i see a man determined tew go to the devil, i
generly let him went.
Crippels ar always cross; thay ar nature's libels. I konsider marrying
for money no better than stealing it.
I hav seen sum awful bad throte disseases completely cured in 3 days by
simply jineing a temprance sosiety.
A pun, tew be irresistable, don't ought to flavor ov malis
aforethought; but wants tew cum sudden and apt, like a rat out ov his
hole.
How menny men thare is who argy, just as a bull dus, chained tew a
post; they beller and paw, but they kant git away from the post.
Monuments are poor investments--the bad don't deserve them, and the
good don't need them.
Thare is a grate menny stricktly honnest folks in this world; they
wouldn't take a cent from enny man that didn't belong tew them, nor giv
enny man a cent that didn't belong to them.
I consider cerimony principally an effort ov vanity, or a kind ov
fashionable golden rule, which stimulates folks to do unto others as
they would hav others do unto them.
Criticks are generally self-made men, and often poor jobs at that.
Thare is one happiness in me that haint grone an hour older sinst it
was born, and that is--the fun of the thing.
The heathens worship wood and stone; christians worship Nevada bricks.
It ain't no credit tew a cow to giv a pail full ov milk, and then kick
it over--nor any other man.
XXXVII.
SPRING--MAY, 1868.
Spring has cum.
She has bin on the road about a month.
I am glad she has cum, on account ov the grass.
The grass waz beginning tew get oneasy about it.
I hope the cows will eat sum grass forthwithly, so as tew lower down
the price ov butter.
Butter has got tew be sassy. 55 cents a pound! Who in thunder ever seed
butter so high before?
A feller has got tew go up garret now, tew spread his bread, and then
stand on tip-tose tew eat it.
Evrything is hi now!
Dandelion greens has riz; i bought a bushel yesterday, and pade 4
dollars fur it. i wanted a mess, and mi wife sed it was jist like me,
bought 6 times tew mutch. i told her tew dry what she didn't want tew
bile: they would go good next winter on bukwheat slap-jacks.
She stuk up her nose and slammed the door; but she loves me for aul
that, better than enny other woman dus.
As i sed before, spring has cum.
Mi hart begins tew kick up her heels, and i feel a limberness in my
soul; i think i must be thawin out.
I hav a nateral gift for spring melankolly.
I luv tew hear a robin sing; it is as sweet as sadness.
I luv tew prokure a violet as soon as i can, each year; there is such a
mild impediment in their butiful fases; thay put me in mind ov an orfan
child, that has strayed oph into a dell and sot down tew cri.
As i sed before, i am glad spring has cum, on akount ov the new
bunnets.
And altho butter and dandelion greens are condem hi, my wife ses spring
bunnits is real cheep, (and she knos,) she can get a decent one fur 48
dollars, without enny trimmins.
I am real glad that one ov the necessaries ov life ain't onreasonable.
Potatose and korn beef and ri flour and other luxuries is hi, and i
don't kno, fackt, but they ought tew be. If folks will hanker after
sich things, let them pay for them.
* * * * *
I am satisfied--Spring has cum, and bunnits are dog reasonable.
JOSH BILLINGS.
XXXVIII.
HARTES.
Sum hartes is trumps.
The little child's harte has a host ov shaddery things in it, fairy
ghostesses, in the distanse, without mutch form,--in the fore-ground,
tops, and marbles, rag dolls, and sweet whissels; christmas, with the
little old esquire in his tights, and frisky span, loaded with wares
for a baby market; dreams without enny meaning, little jelosys, little
hopes and curious fears,--strange invoice, but life's capital, in which
sleep giants and pigmys, happiness and misery.
Life's capital! which can't be increased, but which may aul be lost.
The little child's harte! look down into it, it is like the vault ov a
wild-flower; apparently tenantless but full ov little sekrets,
sekrets--unknown tew itself,--sekrets worth knowing,--life's capital.
Sweet little vault whare God has locked up creation's destiny.
XXXIX.
MONOGRAFFS.
The happy man iz alwus marrid or expekts tew be.
He don't beleaf in ghosts or ghostesses, nor raleroad acksidence before
they occur.
He lives upon milk, and pays az he goes.
He luvs evry boddy, and but fu luv him.
He laffs when he gits wet, and only takes pills tew pleaze other folks.
Like the birds, he waz born happy, and like them he seems tew enjoy it.
The world calls him almost a phool, but his happy ness iz worth more,
and cost less than wisdum.
But i consider happiness the easiest tew manage when thare aint much ov
it.
Our wretched wants, though they are what makes a man more than a brute,
are just what reduces our happyness by expanding it.
Evryboddy kan tell his nabor tew be contented with what he haz got,
(this is good news,) but noboddy but a phool can foller it.
Phools are alwus happy, but alas! they don't know it.
Still, thare aint no arithmetic for happiness--a man has to be measured
for hiz happiness just az he duz for hiz boots, and then he aint sure
but what they will pinch somewhare.
THE HANDSOME MAN AND PRETTY WOMAN.
Buty iz one ov them kind ov conquests that don't last long.
It is a kind ov raid, which surprises, but kant hold the territory
which it invades.
It is a kind ov meteorick rain, which people may set up a night or two
to watch for, but failing tew see it a grate deal, may conclude that it
aint much ov a shower after awl.
Handsum men are skase, and it is good that they are, for there is but
very little power in man buty, and thare iz more vanity in one handsum
man, than thare iz in two droves ov peacocks' tails.
Buty iz another name for effeminacy.
Pretty wimmin are plenty, and i am glad ov it, for wimmin hav a perfekt
right tew be pretty; but very butiful wimmin are unplenty, and i am
glad ov that ditto, for the chances is, they would use their buty to
gain our adorashun rather than our esteem. After awl, grate buty iz a
left-handed kompliment, for most ov the silly i have met with, are
thoze who believed they was very butiful.
I think i had rather hav a noze 7 inches and a half long, (in the
clear) than tew be the hansumest man in our county; for in the fust
case, i should work hard tew shorten mi nose bi some other good
qualitys, while in the other case, i probably should never be told by
my looking-glass that i was a phool.
THE LIVE MAN.
The _Live Man_ iz like the little pig; he iz weaned young, and begins
tew root arly.
He iz the pepper-sass ov creation--the all-spice ov the world.
One _Live Man_ in a village is like a case ov itch at a distrikt
skool--he sets evry boddy scratching a onst.
A man who kan draw New Orleans molasses in the month ov January, thru a
half inch augur-hole, and sing "Home! sweet home!" while the molasis iz
running, may be strictly honest, but he aint sudden enuff for this
climate.
The Live Man iz az full ov bizness az the conducter ov a street kar--he
iz often like a hornet, very bizzy, but about what, the Lord only
knows.
He lights up like a cotton faktory, and haint got enny more time tew
spare than a skool-boy has Saturday afternoons.
He is like a decoy duck, alwus above water, and lives at least 18
months each year.
He is like a runaway hoss; he gits the whole ov the road.
He trots when he walks, and lies down at night only bekauze everyboddy
else duz.
The live man is not always a deep thinker; he jumps at conclusions,
just as the frog duz, and don't alwus land at the spot he is looking
at.
He is the Amerikan pet, a perfekt mystery tew foreigners; but he has
done more (with charcoal) tew work out the greatness of this country
than any other man in it.
He is jist as necessary as the grease on an axle-tree.
He don't alwus die ritch, but alwus dies bizzy, and meets death a good
deal az an oyster duz, without making enny fuss.
THE NERVOUS MAN.
The nervous man is the original harp ov one thousand strings.
He is a fiddle, past finding out.
The tread ov an elephant don't skare him, but he wilteth when the mouse
nibbles in the wainscot.
He turneth pale at the coming ov the spider.
He laffeth when the whirlwind is on a bender, but shuddereth when the
striped snaik walks out for an airing.
He gazeth at the red lightning with joy, when it gasheth the heavens;
but the scales ov his back lift up in horrer when old Baxter files up
his wood-saw.
The nervous man is a very singular critter--he might more properly be
called a plural critter.
My advice tew the nervous man is tew drink milk for a living, and for
excitement chaw spruce gum.
XL.
JOSH BILLINGS AND THE LEKTUR COMMITTY.
Letters which pass from great men to great men are often wise to
owlishness, and so successfully discursive as to treat beautifully upon
everything but the point at "issoo."
SALT POINT, Feb. 0th, 1867.
J. BILLINGS, Esqr.:
I am instructed by our association to inquire ov you, and solicit a
reply, if you could read a discourse before our lyceum this winter, and
if so, at what time, on what subject, and upon what terms.
Most respectfully yours,
EZRA SMITH, Cor. Sec'y.
* * * * *
POKIPSY, Feb. 12th, 1867.
SMITH, MI DEAR:
This day, at 10 o'clock A.M., I cum in contact with your letter, and
was real glad tew hear from yu. How do you like being Cor. Sek. ov a
Ly-Associ'? It is a light, pretty bizziness, and don't require much
capital.
Let me ask you if you are any relashun to Jake Smith, the hatter. If yu
are, forgit it, for Jake is a common cuss.
The Smiths are a good family, and prevail more permiskus, than enny
kind ov folks that i kno ov, but it would be unnatral in the highest if
thare want sum, whare they was so thick, that was wuss than the rest.
Did yu ever read history, Ezra? If yu didn't yu will be serprised teu
hear that John Smith married Pokerhontas, the dauter ov Powhattan, the
injun boss.
The way this happened was so: Smith was about gitting slewed, when
Pokerhontas went in, and fell flat on him. Old Powhattan giv it up, and
Pokerhontas had Smith, and Smith settled down and went into the injin
bizzness, in a small way, on his own hook.
This is the grist ov the story.
Tis one ov the most affektingest transactions on file.
Yu ought teu read history, Ezra; it will learn yu informashun, and give
you a knolledge ov edukashun.
[Illustration: The artist takes a poetic license with Mr. Billings'
Story of Pocahontas, and represents John Smith getting "slewed" in a
modern bar-room,--_See page 134._]
I forgot tew state, that John Smith lived somwhare in pensylvany, at
the time his transakshun with Pokerhontas took place, and if he aint
dead probably lives there now. Thare is one fust rate thing about
history: it is alwus true; if it aint true, it aint history, so if yu
larn it onst, yu never have tew unharness.
But most poetri, and piktorials, and novels, lie wuss than an east
wind; the fuller a man gits ov them over night, the more room thare iz
in him the next day, for sum more.
John Smith, who had the transaction with Pokerhontas, had an immense
invoice ov boys; thare is 13 ov that name in our town this morning,
besides several who hav either died or gone to Denver Citty.
Did it ever strike yu, Ezra, that death was one ov the most remarkable
things that could happen tew a man?
A man may be ritch, and kno history just like slapjacks for breakfast,
and be handsum, able tew lift a ton without thinking, but death beats
awl these just as easy as biting crackers.
Death seems tew be as far as a man can git; when a man aquires that
thoroughly, his ambishun seems tew be satisfied.
One man can be ritcher, and lift more than another, but he kant be enny
more deader.
I am glad thare is one thing in this world, that is enuff for man.
Speaking ov man, Ezra, dew yu konsider him a suckcess yet, or has he
got tew try again?
History has a good deal tew say about man, that don't allude tew his
suckcess.
Adew, Ezra,
Yures, full ov oats,
JOSH BILLINGS.
XLI.
ORPHAN CHILDREN.
Notoriety is the short glory a man gits, for doin what he ought to be
ashamed ov.
God only knows how much merit wanders thro this life, sekurely hid bi
rays ov poverty; nor how much crime insolently wears the golden armor
ov wealth.
I think thare is jest as much virtue in the world as thare is vise,
only it haint been bored for so mutch.
A grate menny ov opinyuns, advanced bi the uncommon learned men
now-a-days, may be properly defined as dissolving views.
It is strange, and it is melankolly true, that those men who spend
their time and talents in makin us happier, never gain mutch ov our
respekt.
Thare is a grate menny people who kno jist enuff tew make a smudge, but
don't kno jist enuff tew clear it away.
I don't know ov a more keen sarcasm, than a learned man listening
attentively tew a fool.
The grate merit thare is in modesty, lies in the modesty thare is in
merit.
Thare is 2 kinds ov hypokrasy: one tries tew appear better than it is,
and the other wuss than it is--one is a wolf in sheep's clothin, and
tother is a sheep in wolf's clothing.
The hight an depth ov human wisdum, is tew kno oneself; but the human
heart kan never be known, only by the God who made it.
I never hear a robin on the hiest lim he kan git, pouring out his
evening praise, but I am certain, that someboddy in Heaven is listenin.
About the most originality that enny writer kan hope tew arrive at
honestly, now-a-days, is tew steal with good judgment.
I was once asked bi a talkin cuss, "which i thought was really the
mostess happyness, the married or the single?" i sed tew him that in
many cases it was like trieing tew winter on injun meal or buckwheat
flour; before he had got half way thru, he would wish he had tried the
other. i don't kno whether he took my advise or not.
In a match game (where both parties are marryin for money) aul side
bets are konsidered off--George Wilkes told me so.
Poetry is as natral a disease tew the human family, as the winde
kolick, and in most cases what will cure one, will cure the other.
How menny people thare are in this world who spend aul their lives in a
hole, and always back into that.
The best way tew keep a secret, is tew forget it.
I never knew a coward who was afraid tew lie.
It is a curius fact that most everyboddy komplains ov their
misfortunes, and yet, thare ain't ennyboddy who has got the itch, or
salt rume bad, but what thinks his kind ov itch is a better kind than
his nabor's.
Kompliments are like the frosting put on the top ov a cake, only
intended for ornament.
If a man has got 375 thousand dollars, and is contented, he is
happy--"jess so."
I don't serpose thare is enny sich thing as "time,"--time is a mere
parasite ov Eternity.
XLII.
BILLINGS REPLIZE TEU CORRESPONDENTS.
"_Mary Ann._"--Your letter wuz duly received. I hasten teu reply.
Waterfalls are a ketching disseaze, but not fatal. They fust appear on
the back ov the hed, about the size ov a small geese's eggs, and gro az
big az a wasp's nest, and then they are ripe. They are kep in a pudding
bag, and fatted on black hoss hair. It is not considered enny
misfortune teu have this dizzease, unlest yu hav it small. If yu hav
escaped the dizzease thus far, I wouldn't contract it now; for thare
will be a new one ov some kind around in a fu days, that yu may like
better. In the mean time prepare yourself for the worst, for the Lord
only knows what will come next.
"_Harrold._"--It will be impossible for me to give you a never-failing
recipee, how tew secure the affekshunes ov the opposite sex.--Grate
perseverance iz necessary, az yu are aware that young ladiz are highly
opposed to the married state. They are like their mothers in this
respeck. I would advise yu tew read the "Pilgrim's Progress." It will
sustane yu under yure trials. If yu kan spare enny time, i would advise
yu tew be very polite tew the young ladiz mother; thare iz nothing more
powerful; it is an evidence ov more good breeding, and it carrys the
mother kind ov back to the days when she had to suffer in the same
cruel way. After fighting the good fight for 6 or 7 years, you diskiver
that yure sweetheart is tew be married to another feller; you will ov
course secure an invitashun to the affair as pall bearer. This will pay
you fur the menny trieing seens you hav passed thru, and will also fit
yu fur the next deadly struggle. But if yu succeed in getting the
objeckt ov your affecshun; yu wil ov course be the only happy man in
the world; this iz the way it alwus effeckts folks.
"_Unkle David._"--Got yure letter thru the intercession ov the post
office. Glad tew hear from you. Sorry tew hear that Aunt Sally has got
the biles: tell her to poultice them well--and trust in the Lord. Sorry
tew hear that Cousin Heber haz failed in bizziness; tell him tew play
smart--and trust in the Lord. Glad tew hear that Joe Osborne haz drawn
a prize in the lottery; tell him tew try it again--and trust in the
Lord. Sorry tew hear that Uncle Peter sold hiz corn for only 2 dollars
a bushel; tell him tew hang onto it next time--and trust in the Lord.
"_Petroleum._"--I hav looked into the ile boring with grate anxiety,
and have satisfied miself that it is a good bore. If you git enny thing
in this world worth having, you have tew bore for it without mercy. Az
a general thing, the bigger the augur iz, the bigger the hole, unless
you bore into a mill pond. Menny people are satisfied in doing a
gimblet bizziness, and this shows good judgment. Yu never see a smart
and well to do squirrel that wants tew reside in a woodchuck's hole.
Animals are more sensible than humans; they don't bild a house they
kant fill. I am not at liberty tew tell yu what i dew think about iles
giving out, but i advise yu to bore at onst and keep at it, and if you
don't strike grease, you will have the satisfaction ov knowing that yu
hav made a hole. I am not half so anxious tew kno how much ile men are
a gitting, az i am tew kno that everybody iz a boring. Mi advise has
alwus bin, don't bore for enny ile--"stock."
XLIII.
CHIPS FROM THE BUTT CUT OV WISDUM.
Just about in proportion that a woman bekums famous away from home, she
haz dun suthin she hadn't oughter.
* * * * *
I don't think it will pay enny man tew be poor jist for the sake ov
being a philosopher.
* * * * *
The sharpest men hav the fewest ideas, but, like the sun-glass, they
kan focus them quick, and the consequentz is, sumboddy gits burnt.
* * * * *
Them hosses who ackt just az though they waz agoin to run away awl the
time hardly ever do, but the dozy ones, when they do git started, kant
run fast enuff to suit them.--It is sum so with the human critters.
* * * * *
Ridicule iz the only successful persecution i kno ov.
* * * * *
Tew git at the full sublimity ov a wimmins right lekturer, go tew her
hum, and witness her old man striving to nuss their last baby, and
notis what a dredful sloppy job he makes ov it.
* * * * *
Avarice makes villins ov sum, and growling wretches ov all.
* * * * *
Philosophy iz the art ov making ourselfs happy, but yet i find 7 times
as mutch philosophy in the world az i do happiness.
* * * * *
Marrying for love iz postponed for the present; in the mean time Cupid
dips hiz arrows in petroleum and fires at brown stone fronts, just to
keep hiz hand in.
* * * * *
Pleazure iz just az natural az smelling; thare is az mutch joy in
sliding down hill by moonlight, on a barrel stave, az there is 40 years
afterwards, in bein principal stock-holder, and president ov a double
track ralerode.
* * * * *
We should make virtue our master, not our servant.
* * * * *
Pitty is the poorest beggar ov the whole lot. "Pitty the sorrows ov a
poor old man," iz a fust rate way tew hav the dogs set at you,--better,
a good deal, be a little sassy.
* * * * *
Generosity, az a general thing, haz more pride than kommon sense in it.
Even truth haz a ridickilous side tew it, which it iz always trieing to
hide.
* * * * *
Sum people lose twice when they bet; they bet without enny pluck, and
lose without enny pluck. Yu kant kure laziness by bribery, nor shame;
the only way to kure it, is tew skare it. Laziness is one ov those kind
ov things that has no memory at all, and but an indifferent
reccollection.
* * * * *
"Early impreshuns are the most lasting"--the fust kiss, and the fust
licking, cum under this hed.
* * * * *
Reputashun is a good deal like a bond-fire, yu hav got tew keep pileing
on the shavings. If you don't the flame will soon subdew.
* * * * *
I was once asked if mi fourfathers was Englishmen. I told the
illiterate cuss, who propagated the question, that i didn't hav but one
father, and he was strictly ov the Massachewsetts purswashun.
* * * * *
Good wit iz sumthing like good luck,--the more soon and unexpekted it
iz, the better.
XLIV.
ESSA ON SWINE.
Hogs generally are quadriped.
The extreme length ov their antiquity haz never been fully discovered;
they existed a long time before the flood, and hav existed a long time
since.
There iz a grate deal ov internal revenew in a hog, thare ain't mutch
more waste in them than thare iz in a oyster.
Even their tails can be wurked up into whissells.
Hogs are good quiet boarders; they alwus eat what iz set before them,
and don't ask enny foolish questions.
They never hav enny disseaze but the meazles, and they never hav that
but once; once seems to satisfy them.
Thare iz a grate menny breeds amongst them.
Sum are a close corporation breed, and sum are bilt more apart, like a
hemlock slab.
They used to hav a breed in New England, a few years ago, which they
called the _striped hog_ breed. This breed waz in high repute among the
landlords; almost evry tavern keeper had one, which he used tew show
tew travelers, and brag on him.
Sum are full in the face, like a town clock, and some are az long and
lean az a cow-catcher, with a steel pinted noze on them.
They kan awl rute well; a hog that kant rute well, haz bin made in
vain.
They are a short lived animal, and generally die az soon az they git
fatt.
The hog kan be larnt a grate menny cunning things, such az highsting
the front gate off from the hinges, tipping over the swill barrells,
and finding a hole in the fence to git into a cornfield, but thare
ain't enny length tew their memory; it iz awful hard work for them tew
find the same hole to git out at, espeshly if yu are at all anxious
they should.
Hogs are very kontrary, and seldom drive well the same way yu are
going; they drive the most the other way; this haz never bin fully
explained, but speaks volumes for the hog.
XLV.
ON SOWING MACHINES.
DEAR MORSE--I this morning had makrel for brekfast, and also yure
letter, enklosing a prospektus uv yure "Improved swivel stitch and back
action sowing masheen," and must say i am tickled tew deth with her.
It strikes me that it must be equal tew a small drove uv nu milk cows
in a family.
If the masheen iz only one quarter az good az the prospektus iz, yure
fortune iz az certain and lasting az the rocks.
Don't hesitate tew send me one ov the masheens, and i will return the
prospektus.
I hav now 3 sowing masheens on hand; one i hav had 24 years, the other
two about 20 & 18 years respektivly.
The old masheen iz a gem, and will sow on a patch quicker than the hole
was made.
The other two are smaller, and are halleluger itself on worsted work
and ornamental blister.
I would part with the 2 younger ones if enny fust rate chance offered,
and furnish a prospektus that would beat the Song ov Solaman.
Az for the old one, munny won't buy her. I intend to stick tew her till
evry thread breaks, for she iz wuth a dozen nu-fangled ones.
I got her in Massachusetts, by the side ov the road, at the foot ov a
mountain, from a good old Baptiss deakon, who lived in a nice white
farm-hous, with green blinds and a hoss-block by the door, and a
pen-stock ov never failing water, and a wood pile as bigg az a straw
stack.
The 2 little ones are on exhibishun now, at mi rooms. Kards ov admishun
can be prokured ov the proprietor bi presenting the proper vouchers.
Full warrantees will be given with each masheen.
Principals only delt with; no agent need apply.
Again, dear Morse, I kant help but thank yu for yure prospektus--it iz
so limber and full ov good advise; but i kant help but say that if you
should see mi sowing masheens and see them at wurk, yu would tare up
yure prospektus in disgust, and either git one ov mi kind, or be
miserable till you did.
Morse, fairwell.
In the meantime, yures truli,
JOSH BILLINGS.
XLVI.
SUM ADVISE.
Mi yung friend, yu are about tew begin life, and altho it may seem
dredful impossibel tew yu, nevertheless yu will be liabel tew make sum
mistakes while yu are scoring, or during the fust mile or two.
Let me mix up a little advise for yu tew take till yu git tew trotting
stiddy.
Yu will observe the advise iz designed for yung gentlemen who show sum
sighns ov speed, and also that i reazon right from the shoulder.
1. Treat the old man and the old woman as yure equals; smile when they
exhort, and laff when they intreat, for no yung man kan hope for
suckcess in ornamental walks ov life who don't wear the belt at home.
2. If yu kant raize a mustash, commit suiside at once and begin agin;
for it iz better tew die than tew suffer disgrace.
3. Cultivate impudense--impudense iz a good substitute for
bravery--only be a littel kerful tew pick yure customers when yu tri it
on.
4. Keep a trotter and a fiteing rooster. Theze animals will let yu into
the konfidense ov men who will watch over yure morals and nuss yure
genius.
5. Avoid the old fogys; they are a miserabel set ov cowardly croakers,
who, like a third-rate dorg, hav larnt what little they kno about
virtew bi simply being overmatched in a fair fight.
6. Suspekt aul femail virtew. This will giv yu an eazy flow ov
ambiguous language while in the sosiety ov the ladys, and enabel yu tew
awake confusion, which yu kan kall sumthing else.
7. If yu git desprait, and must marry, marry for ducats--marrying for
blud or for luv iz too sloppy for a man ov spirits. Luv iz a low
pashun, and iz designed for 2-story houses on one ov the back streets;
not for a brown stun front.
8. Bi aul means learn to sware, chaw, and smoke freely, and don't ever
mistake rain water for milk punch, unless yu want a soft thing.
9. Call religion a stock jobber's pidgeon to ketch flatts with; say
that virtew iz only the galvanized impotence ov cowards; that wisdum iz
but an egg that iz addled; laff at aul things that are sollum, and
sware that Backus and Venus are the only two gods fit tew be worshiped.
Yung man, cultivate aul the abuv graces, and add tew them what the
ardor of yure genius may inspire, and if the hoss jockeys and pimps
generally don't say you are a cuss ov the brightest hue, and if the
devil don't make you sum flattering proposals, the days ov chivalry are
positively over, and pudding and milk haz got more glory into it than a
brandy smash, a rum sour, or even a thomas and jerry.
* * * * *
Yung man, (a fu words with yu in private,) let theze cheerful remarks
settle down into you when yu git tew reflekting at 12 o'clock sum rainy
nite.
Don't make a phool of yureself by trieing tew jump 65 feet at one jump,
and land among the Berhoys at onst, but examine yure bild clussly and
see if yu ain't better konstrukted for sumthing honest.
But if yu find that yu must go tew dispair, then put on aul the steam
yu kan carry, and either bust or git thare az soon az possibel.
P.S.--When yu git thare, and hav had enuff ov it, just drop me a line,
and i will see what kan be did for yu. But don't forgit one thing--that
the road back iz 3 times az fur, and aul the way up hill besides.
XLVII.
TAKE IT EAZY.
Yes, mi dear feller, do take it eazy.
Don't fret, don't foam; yu kant take thought an be an inch bigger; yu
kant ketch lightning, however yu try; then do take it eazy.
If yu would be ritch, _only be good_, and then take it eazy.
If yure lady-love is coy, do take it eazy, for like a wild colt, by and
by will she cum and lay her hed in the halter.
Joys ever are fu, the evening ov yure daze may be long, and oil you
will want for yure twilite lamp; then waste not in fury what will last
yu till the wick burns out, if yu will only take it eazy.
If yu would see the pitfalls that Satan is digging, if yu would be more
than a match for envy and malice, if yu would show no blind side for
reproach, chew awl things well, and then take it eazy.
Take it eazy, and the snowflakes ov sorrow will melt az they fall;
melankolly will laff when she meets yu, poverty's bundle will be light,
and awl yure songs will hav a sweet chorus.
Take it eazy; natur don't fret; seedtime and harvest are a sure thing;
the bud, then the leaf; the flower, then the fruit; the lilys don't
fret; then, mi dear feller, do take it eazy.
Take it eazy, _only be good_, and az each nu milestun bi the side ov
yure Jordan tells that the grate sity iz nearer, and not fur away, will
yure hearte gro lighter, and yure faith gro stronger, airth will look
less, and heaven will look bigger; yes, mi dear feller, do, do take it
eazy.
XLVIII.
JOSH CORRESPONDS.
_Percy._--Did yu ever ride in the cars on a raw day, and have a
mountaineer dive in from some cord wood station, and, taking a seat
next in front ov yu, rush the window up, and half freeze yure liver
out?
(If yu answer this question, don't fail tew say yes, or no.)
Didn't yu feel az tho yu would like to help to pitch the red-necked and
tobacco-chawing curse out ov the windo?
(If yu answer this question, don't fail to say yes.)
But it iz no use tew plead with them; they must hav sum more north
wind.
If yu should shut one ov these human refrigerators up in a 10-acre lot,
and put the bars up tight, he would rave around till he tore down a
pannel ov the fence, to let sum more fresh air into the lot.
When a half civilized humin critter wants enny thing, he wants it just
az bad az a bear duz, and generally takes it in the same way.
_Bulwer._--Yu are right about it; the elektive telegraph iz verry
kuriss. But did it ever ockur tew yu, in the solitude ov yure midnite
hour, or when yu waz turning grindstone, or by the side ov the road, or
the down hill ov life, or by the good old Moses, that the nerves waz
the telegraff wires ov the humin boddy?
If this never haz ockured to yu, yure edikashun haz either bin tew
mutch Latin, or else yu hav bin kept in a back lot, ware thare want
mutch going on.
I tell yu that dispatches are flieing all the time from the 2 main
offices, one ov which iz lokated in the hed, and the other of which iz
in the stummuk.
The stummuk inquires, "When dinner will be reddy?" and iz told bi the
branch offiss, at the noze, "in 20 minnitts."
The bigg toe learns from the operator at the stummuk offiss that "mock
turtles and terrapins iz cumming in fast, and that old Gout may be
expekted in a fu daze."
The head inquires ov the noze, "What yu blowing about?"
Answer, "Wet feet."
The eyes wants tew kno ov the stummuk, "What they shall do to stop
running?"
Stummuk growls back, "Dam yure ize!"
Head sees sudden stars, and feels the shock ov an arthquake; telegraffs
awl over the boddy for an explanation; gits the following dispatch,
after a while, from one of the lower offices: "Been down hard on the
ice."
Friend Bulwer, in the remarks ov the poet, I hold "that we are truly
and wonderfully made."
_Lager._--Yure inquiry iz eazily dispozed ov. Lager Beer iz not
intoxikating. A man bi the name ov Laubenheimersmitt, who keeps a
saloon, told me so. He sed he had one ov the little barrells in him at
that time, and waz aktually suffering for a drouth. I think he iz a man
who kan be depended upon, for he showed me a bolona sarsage, which he
sed had bin in the family 67 years. It waz aul kivvered with wrinkles.
He sed it had a nu wrinkle each year, like a kow's horn. I asked him on
what prinsipals the bolona sarsage waz bilt? he sed he couldn't tell
me, that thare hadn't bin enny nu ones bilt for menny years, on account
of the grate demand for hosses on the canal.
_Augustus._--Art haz improved natur, but whether sivilizashun haz
improved moruls az mutch, I woodent like tu tell. Natur iz verry
lucksuriant, and that iz what's the matter ov her. She iz like a
punkin-vine, (grows without mercy,) and wood grow without punkins tew,
but art kurbs the extravagunce, and makes the vines "sum punkins."
Moruls ain't lucksuryant; they woodent be haff a crop if it wan't for
sivilization; but like other things that are forced, they are made tu
yeald so mutch, that the tree soon runs tu follyage and tawp, and don't
bair mutch plums. I don't think the wirld haz got enny sivilizashun tew
spare, but i dew think she haz got more than she kan manige well. I
beleave in sivilizashun terribley; i wood like tu see even bares and
woolfs and wildkats sivilizyed; but if sivilizashun only makes their
hare softer, and only makes them growl less lowder, but makes their
teeth sharper and their klaws longer, i think i like the heethen bare,
for a steddy playmait, full az well az i dew the Christian bare.
XLIX.
THEM GOOD OLD DAZE.
AS LONGED FOR BY JOSH BILLINGS.
How i dew long (once in a whyle) for them good old daze.
Them daze when the sun didn't rise before brekfast.
Them daze when thare waz more fun in 30 cents than thare is now in 7
dollars and a half.
Them daze when a man marrid 145 pounds ov woman, and less than 9 pounds
(awl told) ov ennything else.
How i dew long for them good old daze, when edukashun only konsissted
in what a man did well.
Them daze when deakons waz az austear az hoss radish, and ministers
preached tew men's soals instead of their pockets.
Them daze when pollyticks was the excepshun, and honesty the rule.
How i dew long for them good old daze when lap-dorgs and wett nusses
warn't known, and when brown bred and baked-goose made a good dinner.
Them daze when a man who want bizzy was watched, and when wimmin spun
only that kind ov yarn that was good for the darning ov stockings.
How i dew long for them good old daze when now and then a gal baby was
called Jerusha, and a boy want spilte if he was named Jerrymiah.
Aul yee who hav tried the feathers and fuss ov life, who hav had the
codfish ov wealth, without sense, stuck under yure noze, cum beneath
this tree, and long for an hour with me, for them good old daze when
men were ashamed tew be fools, and wimmin were fraid tew be flirts.
N.B.--They used tew maik a milk punch in them daze too, that was very
handy tew take.
L.
A HUM TRANSACTION.
Mrs. Billings lately becum helpless.
This kalamity was so well published, that the door bel ov the house waz
kept on a titter for a week, with "_out ov place_," "Bridgets,"
"Margarets," and "Matildys."
From so profuse a crop, it was difficult tew select; each one had a
karakter, that would hav lasted an economikal person for life, and each
one was az demure az if they were about to take the veil.
They could all bile, and stew--hash, and frigasee, wash, mend, and
iron, bake, bru, and starch--in fackt they were perfecktly elaborate,
in aul cook and laundry doings, and _never staid out ov nights_.
For sum reason, (bless the ladys, they never dew ennything without a
good reason,) a prodigious emerald selekshun was made from the
applicants, happy in the immaculate prefix ov Mary, a queen among pots
and kittles, soups, gravy, and compounds.
She could do evrything!
She could sweep without disturbing enny dust; she could bile a dumplin
so light, az almost tew disfranchise the long cherished principle ov
gravitashun; in fackt, if it was safe tew bet on her, she was a
fust-klass kitchin, within a kitchen; "_ne plus ultra_," _a bonny fide_
"_Eureka_,"--the last one out.
She was sworn in, with the usual serimony ov pinteing out the ways and
means, the kittles, and closets, the coal, and cesspool, the pump, and
bred tickets, and lots ov other things, in the matter ov nails for this
rag, and rags for that nail.
The dinner tew be got up was quite ordnary, and Mrs. Billings, willing
tew levy but a light tax upon the almost omniscient cook genius ov the
accomplished Mary, suggested for sass, that most simple az well az most
agreeable ov aul wheaten kompounds, known amung fluent housewifes, az a
"minnit puddin."
"Ah, mum, it will plaze yee's to see me be after makin the puddin."
The mistick hour iz clus at hand, when the platter iz tew smoke in the
senter ov the snowy damask; a gentle tap iz herd at the parler door;
the glistening Mary relates the vicktory ov meat and vegatables below,
and with a plezant pride nestling in her ize, in virgin innocense,
asks:
"_Now mum, pleze, whare dew yu keep yure minits?_"
P.S.--Comment seems tew be almoste unnecessary--but perhaps it will be
safe tew add, that, if "ignorance iz bliss," Irish cooks must be the
verry broth ov happiness.
LI.
MILK, WHISKEE AND BEER.
MILK.
I want tew say sumthing, ("_in petto_.")
I want tew say sumthing, ("_entre nous_,") in reference to milk az a
ferterlizer.
Milk is spontaneous, ("_semper paratus_,") and haz did more tew
encourage the growth ov the humin folks, ("_en passant_") than enny
other liquid.
Milk iz lakteal, ("_bizarre_;") it iz also aquatick, while under the
patronage ov milk venders, ("_errare humanum est_.")
Milk iz also misterious, ("_Le mot d'énigme_,") cokernut milk haz never
bin solved yet.
Milk iz also another name for humin kindness, ("_comme il faut_.")
Milk and bred is a plesant mixtur.
So iz milk and rum ("_Bonne bouche_") mellow tew contend with in a hot
day, ("_multum in parvo_") ("_id est_," "_multum_" rum, "_in parvo_"
milk.)
Sumtimes, if milk iz allowed tew stand too long, ("_statu quo_,") a
skum arizes tew the surface, ("_passim_,") which iz apt tew skare folks
who live in citys, but it dus not foller, ("_non sequitur_,") that the
milk iz nasty; this skum iz called cream bi folks who inhabit the
kuntry, ("_magnus Apollo_.")
Cream iz the parent ("_pater familias_") ov butter, and butter iz 45
cents a pound, ("_ora pro nobis_.")
The most common milk in use, without doubt, ("_sans doute_") iz skim
milk; skim milk iz made bi skinning the milk, ("_inter nos_,") this iz
considered sharp praktiss, ("_coup de main_.")
Milk iz obtained from cows, hogs, woodchucks, sheep, squirrels, rats,
and awl other animals that wear hair. Snakes and geese don't discharge
milk, ("_lusus naturæ_.")
I forgot tew state in conclusion, ("_ultima Thule_,") that cow milk, if
it iz well watered, brings 10 cents per quart, ("_Quod avertat Deus_.")
WHISKEE.
Whiskee iz the grate Amerikan bevridge.
It iz the granddaddy ov awl our licker.
Evrything that haz a good reliable drunk in it, iz at least couzin tew
Whiskee or old Rie.
Whiskee haz done a grate deal for this kuntry, in the way ov
penitentiary homes, and houses for the poor, and i suppose, if it want
for whiskee, theze houses would aktually hav tew shut up.
They tell me that a bushell ov korn will make a gallon ov whiskee, and
sum people, who are acquainted with statisticks, say, that a barrell ov
whiskee will go further in a family, than a cow. I don't know exactly
how fur a cow would go in a family, but i should think it would be
eazier tew milk a barrell ov whiskee than a cow--still i hain't never
figured on it, and it iz only guess-work with me.
A gentleman who haz travelled extensively thru the western states, sez
that vast quantitys ov korn are raized thare, which iz made into
whiskee, tew say nothing ov what iz annually wasted for bred. He sez
thare iz lots ov people out west, who are better judges ov whiskee than
they are ov water, and that you might easily phool them with poor
water, but you couldn't with poor whiskee. They hav made whiskee a
specialty aul their lives, and they kan't even go tew church Sundays,
without a bottle ov it in their pockets. (I think he must hav lied when
he made this last statement.)
In my honest opinyun, whiskee is seckund only tew original sin; it is
the mill stun, hung upon the neck ov poor degraded humin nature, and if
the devil was allowed leave ov absence for six months, tew visit this
earth, the fust thing he would do, would be to lobby our legislatures
for a repeal ov the excise laws, and then invest his pile in gin mills.
But since whiskee haz got into this world, I don't think it kan be got
out, enny more than small pox kan, but it kan be made komparitively
harmless, in the same way, and only in the same way, and that iz by
constant vaccination. * * * *
BEER.
I hav finally cum tew the konclusion, that _lager beer_ iz not
intoxikatin.
I hav been told so bi a german, who sed he had drank it aul nite long,
just tew tri the experiment, and was obliged tew go home entirely sober
in the morning. I hav seen this same man drink sixteen glasses, and if
he was drunk, he was drunk in german, and noboddy could understand it.
It iz proper enuff tew state, that this man kept a lager-beer saloon,
and could have no object in stating what want strictly thus.
I beleaved him tew the full extent ov mi ability. I never drank but 3
glasses ov lager beer in mi life, and that made my hed untwist, as tho
it was hung on the end ov a string, but i was told that it was owing
tew my bile being out ov place, and I guess that it was so, for I never
biled over wuss than i did when I got home that nite. Mi wife was
afrade i was agoing tew die, and i was almoste afrade i shouldn't, for
it did seem az tho evrything i had ever eaten in mi life, was cuming
tew the surface, and i do really beleave, if mi wife hadn't pulled oph
mi boots, just az she did, they would have cum thundering up too.
Oh, how sick i was! it was 14 years ago, and i kan taste it now.
I never had so much experience, in so short a time.
If enny man should tell me that lager beer was not intoxikating, i
should beleave him; but if he should tell me that i want drunk that
nite, but that my stummuk was only out ov order, i should ask him tew
state over, in a few words, just how a man felt and akted when he was
well set up.
If i want drunk that nite, i had sum ov the moste natural simptoms a
man ever had, and keep sober.
In the fust place, it was about 80 rods from whare i drank the lager,
tew my house, and i was over 2 hours on the road, and had a hole busted
thru each one ov mi pantaloon kneeze, and didn't hav enny hat, and
tried tew open the door by the bell-pull, and hickupped awfully, and
saw evrything in the room tryin tew git round onto the back side ov me,
and in setting down onto a chair, i didn't wait quite long enuff for it
tew git exactly under me, when it was going round, and i sett down a
little too soon, and missed the chair by about 12 inches, and couldn't
git up quick enuff tew take the nex one when it cum, and that ain't
aul; mi wife said i was az drunk az a beast, and az i sed before, i
begun tew spit up things freely.
[Illustration: Josh Billings is satisfied that lager-beer as a drink is
not intoxicating; but having indulged rather freely one day, he finds
it difficult, when he sits down, "to catch the chair as it comes
round."--_See page 169._]
If lager beer iz not intoxikating, it used me almighty mean, that i
kno.
Still i hardly think lager beer iz intoxikating, for i hav been told
so, and i am probably the only man living, who ever drunk enny when his
bile want plumb.
I don't want tew say ennything against a harmless tempranse bevridge,
but if i ever drink enny more it will be with mi hands tied behind me,
and mi mouth pried open.
I don't think lager beer iz intoxikating, but if i remember right, i
think it tastes to me like a glass with a handle on one side ov it,
full ov soap suds that a pickle had bin put tew soak in.
LII.
PLUCK.
Pluck, tew be ov mutch value, wants tew be instant.
I hav seen plenty ov men who was anxious tew fite an elephant--six
miles oph.
How menny ov us hav had our pluck cum tew us next day, and then it want
ov enny more use tew us than an epitaff iz tew a ded man.
Pluck iz a normal virtue, and may be made a shining one, az it iz only
the tuff substances that will take, and hold a good polish.
I hav seen men who was aul pluck, and nothing else; they are like
chestnutt burs, alwus reddy, but only fit for one thing, and that iz
not to touch.
Thare iz a pluck that dares tew do nothing but what iz right, and
always dares tew do that; this iz pluck built upon reason, and iz
virtue enuff for enny one man.
LIII.
FREE LOVE.
I beleaf in free fights, espeshila amung cats and doggs.
I beleaf in free rides--on a gate.
I beleaf in freedum for evry slave on arth.
But _free love_ iz one ov them kinds ov fredum, that it don't do tew be
limber with.
If this world was the gardin ov Edin, and full ov Adam and Eve, az they
was when they was fust launched, then i kan imagine it might do for sum
other Adam to hold mi Eve on his lap, and talk about his affinitee, and
spiritoal essence, and play lamb.
In them daze, thare want no humin natur, it was all God natur.
Humin natur has bin soaked so mutch sinse, it has got tew weak tew be
trusted in a lot whare the feed iz poor, nex tew a meddo, without mutch
fence between nor enny poke on.
_Free love_ wants more poke than enny other animal.
I don't believe in total depravity--unless a man has a good chance.
_Free love_ iz a good deal like drinking 6 shilling gin for a bevridge.
Bevridge iz a Chinese word, and means cussidness.
Aul the _free love_ i hav witnessed thus far, has existed between a
villainous letcher on one side, and lunatick virtue on the other side,
that had bin deoderized out ov its truth, and had lost aul ov its
modesty, and shame, in hunting after a condishun, whare sin ceazed tew
be a crime.
The fust free lover we hav enny akount ov, was the devil.
LIV.
FAST MEN.
I hav alwus loved "Fast men;" not those who are _fast_ in their morals,
but the sudden kind, those who think fast, and ackt fast.
I never knu a verry slow Amerikan who amounted tew ennything.
Put a man onto an island, (like Nova Scosha,) and he will learn how tew
be slow; it iz like chaining a bull tarrier tew a post; after a while
he will just straighten the chain, that's all.
But on a Hemispheer like ours, even mud turkles learn how tew show a
good gait.
Whare natur setts the exampel, whare she iz vast, and magestick, men
soon git in the habit ov reckoning bi the millyuns, and a man ain't
enny more apt tew make a big mistake, than he iz a small one; thare iz
more game mist at 100 feet, than thar iz at 100 yards.
Fast men make most ov the blunders that are made; but they also make
most ov the good hits that are made.
It don't hurt mi feelings (occasionally) tew hear that a man has fell
his whole length, and even ploughed up the ground whare he struck, for
then i kno he couldn't hav bin standing still, nor hanging onto
sumboddy's picket fence.
Methusila lived a 1000 years, but i serpose he could hav seen aul he
saw, and dun aul he did in 5 years, if he had lived in New York city.
I never knu a peace ov machinery tew prove a failure bekause it was tew
fast; and who iz thare who has ever turned one bi hand, that has not
wept for joy tew see a grindstone git round 500 times in a minnitt,
driven bi steam?
Fast men sumtimes kollide, but experience has proved that it iz better
for a locomotiff tew strike a rock at 40 miles an hour, than at 15, for
at 40 miles the _rock_ may be displased, but at 15 the locomotiff iz
sartin tew be.
I alwus did think well ov the konneticut vagrant, who was confined in
the poor house bekauze he hadn't ennything tew do, and hearing ov a
basswood shoe-peg spekulashun, that was raging outside, broke out ov
the poor-house, and made 1500 dollars before they could ketch him.
"Life iz short," and this iz one grate reason whi it ought tew be fast.
LV.
JOSH REPLIES TO ONE OF HIS CORRESPONDENTS.
"_Benvolio._"--In writing for yu an analasiss ov the frog, i must
confess that i hav coppied the whole thing, "verbatus ad liberating,"
from the works ov a selebrated French writer on natural history, ov the
16th sentry.
The frog iz, in the fust case, a tadpole, aul boddy and tail, without
cuming tew a head.
He travels in pond holes, bi the side ov the turnpike, and iz
accellerated bi the acktivity ov his tail, which wriggles with uncommon
limberness and vivacity. Bi and bi, pretty soon, before long, in a few
daze, his tail iz no more, and legs begin to emerge from the south end
ov the animal, and from the north end, at the same time, may be seen a
disposition tew head out.
In this cautious way the frog iz built, and then for the fust time in
his life, begins tew git his head abuv water.
His success iz now certain, and soon, in about five daze more, he may
be seen sitting down on himself bi the side ov the pond hole, and
looking at the dinner baskets ov the children on their way tew the
distrikt skoolhous.
Az the children cum more nearer, with a club or chunk ov a brickbat in
his hand tew swott him with, he rares up on his behind leggs, and
enters the water, head fust, without opening the door.
Thus the frog duz bizzness for a spell ov time, until he gits tew be
21, and then his life iz more ramified.
Frogs hav 2 naturs, ground and water, and are az free from sin az an
oyster.
I never knu a frog tew hurt ennyboddy who paid his honest dets and took
the NEW YORK WEEKLY.
I don't reckoleckt now whether a frog has enny before leggs or not, and
if he don't, it ain't enny boddy's bizzness but the frog's.
Their hind leggs are used for refreshments, but the rest ov him won't
pay for eating.
A frog iz the only person who kan live in a well, and not get tired.
The bull-frog iz the boss ov the mud puddle, and has a log tew sit on,
over on the other side ov the puddle, and talks tew the rest ov the
frogs away down in his throat, so that yu kan't understand more than
half what he sez; he iz generally a cross and lazy old devil, all over
warts.
This iz aul thare iz worth knowing now about the frog, except that they
ketch flize during fli time, and winter on nothing, by freezing up
solid.'
P.S.--I hav endeavored tew translate mi author cluss, but it iz tuff
tew render aul his butiz intu our tung, without bursting the sense.
LVI.
HUMAN HAPPINESS.
Human happyness being a subject that interests most persons, and having
never bin writ upon bi enny boddy else, i thought i would write upon it
immediately.
But fu ever git tew be happy, for the reazon they try so hard.
_Comfort_ in this world is about awl that mortals kan expect;
_happyness_ has bin reserved, bi an all wise Providence, for futur use.
Those who are the most happy appear tew kno it the least; in fact,
happyness seems tew consist in not knowing it.
The best way i kno ov tew be happy is not tew want enny thing till yu
hav got it, and then be saving of it.
Pudding and milk is a good thing tew git happy on, but too mutch
pudding and milk, even, will worry a man.
The most happy individual i ever knu had no under garment, and he
probably would have remained happy, until his back had wore out, if the
Femail Billingsville sowing society had not furnished him a cotton
seclusion for hiz body, and got him riled up, bekauze the collar tew
the seclusion want starched stiff enuff.
It iz a verry dangerous peace ov bizzness tew interfere with enny man's
private plans, for hiz own partiklar happyness, (or partiklar misery,)
upon the same principle, that it iz a verry dangerous enterprise to
pull a thorn out ov a mule's hind leg, and dodge the kick.
Awl human hapness iz conservatiff; 2 thirds ov the pleasure in sliding
down hill consists in drawing the sled back. I don't serpoze thare
would be enny fun in sliding down a hill 34 miles long.
A verry large share ov our happiness iz derived from anticipation; i
kan rekoleckt now ov having tremenjus fun, years ago, in the western
wilderness, hunting bees, and also hav a lively reminiscence ov gitting
awfully stung, when i found the bees.
Upon the whole, after weighing the matter camly, i hav cum tew the
sanguine konklusion, that the hight ov human happyness in this life,
consists in being unhappy, and not kno it.
LVII.
PHILOSOPHEE OV THE BILLINGS FAMILEE,
AS SOT DOWN BI JOSH.
I pray you, never seem tew want enny thing.
If you hav not got even a wheelbarrow, talk with grate ease about a
horse and carriage.
If you are caught with a rent in yure coat, be az mutch serprised at
first as he who diskovers it, (a rent iz but the episode ov a moment,)
but do not be mortified, even if he iz curious.
If questioned about yure ansesstors, remember that the further back you
go, the more safely you may lay yure claims--you had just az menny
relashuns in Knower's ark, az enny body kan show.
Eat puddin and milk simply becaus it is healthy. Hire a back seat in
the church, so az tew be the first out, in kase ov fire.
Your wife and children never look so well tew you, az in a "shillin a
yard."
If spoken ov for offiss, take notiss ov this or that growin evil;
suggest no plan; wear a careful plaster over your mouth, and talk about
the capasity and integrity of yure opponent--if beaten, praze the right
ov suffrage, publickly, but dam the whole plan, privately, as mutch az
you are a mind to.
If you would borry a sum ov munny, ask for it as you would for a
yesterday's nuzpaper.
If invited tew dinner--hessitate, but yield upon reflekshun, remarkin,
"that yure own table is provided with oysters, and needs no carver."
Make az menny frends as you kan--never, but as a last resort, use one.
Always sing, for thus you may get the envy ov the world, while yure
tears would seek in vain for their pity.
Live in the world az one ov its most familyer people, but really hav
but little to do with it.
Never argu, and never be convinced.
But chiefly, never want ennything; for thus you giv tung tew yure
poverty.
Menny a man haz died rich, and ben kalled wize, by simply holding hiz
tung.
When you are asked tew admirate an equipage, dew it warmly, but suggest
that you never indulge in horses, on akount ov their liability tew
glanders.
If you are poor, ask Alexander tew stand out ov your sunshine. If you
are rich, ask him tew stand in it.
Dew not envy ennything on arth, not even a man's virtues, for them you
kan git az well az he.
Talk familiarly ov wealth--deceave every one but yourself.
Never show the world mutch ov yure hart; keep that for Him who made it,
and knose its impulses.
N.B.--This philosophee has made the Billings family what they am.
LVIII.
AMERIKANS.
Amerikans love caustick things; they would prefer turpentine tew
colone-water, if they had tew drink either.
So with their relish of humor; they must hav it on the half-shell with
cayenne.
An Englishman wants hiz fun smothered deep in mint sauce, and he iz
willin tew wait till next day before he tastes it.
If you tickle or convince an Amerikan yu hav got tew do it quick.
An Amerikan luvs tew laff, but he don't luv tew make a bizzness ov it;
he works, eats, and haw-haws on a canter.
I guess the English hav more wit, and the Amerikans more humor.
We havn't had time, yet, tew bile down our humor and git the wit out ov
it.
The English are better punsters, but i konsider punning a sort ov
literary prostitushun in which futur happynesz iz swopped oph for the
plezzure ov the moment.
Thare iz one thing i hav noticed: evryboddy that writes expeckts tew be
wize or witty--so duz evrybody expect tew be saved when they die; but
thare iz good reason tew beleave that the goats hereafter will be in
the majority, just az the sheep are here.
Don't forget _one_ thing, yu hav got tew be wize before yu kan be
witty; and don't forget _two_ things, a single paragraff haz made sum
men immortal, while a volume haz bin wuss than a pile-driver tew
others--but what would Amerikans dew if it want for their sensashuns?
Sumthing new, sumthing startling iz necessary for us az a people, and
it don't make mutch matter what it iz--a huge defalkashun--a red
elephant--or Jersee clams with pearls in them will answer if nothing
better offers.
Englishmen all laff at us for our sensashuns, and sum ov them fret
about it, and spred their feathers in distress for us, az a fond and
foolish old hen, who haz hatched out a setting ov ducks' eggs, will
stand on the banks ov a mill pond, wringing her hands in agony to see
her brood pitch in and take a sail. _She_ kant understand it, but the
_Ducks_ know awl about it.
N.B.--Yu kan bet 50 dollars the Ducks know all about it.
N.B.--Yu kan bet 50 dollars more that it makes no difference who
hatches out an Amerikan, the fust thing he will do, iz to pitch into
sumthin.
N.B.--No more bets at present.
LIX.
JOSH CLEANS OUT HIS PIGEON-HOLE OF CORRESPONDENTS.
_Iowa._--Don't press the matter tew mutch. The only way to heal a gal
ov the "wonts," is tew git her wonted, and then stampede things
briskly.
_Sharpley._--The best cure i knu ov fur tite boots is small feet.
_Wisconsin._--Yu ask me "how fur the Hudson River runs up?" i hasten
tew state that the Hudson River don't run up at all.
_Jerry._--Yu are sound on this espeshall goose, when yu say "that yu
have diskovered poker tew be an unsertin game;" but, Jerry, let me tell
yu how tew reduse it tew a sertinty. 5 aces will alwus beat 4 aces and
a king; it will dew it in any kind ov a game.
_Albany._--i kant tell yu what the usual life insurance rate is;
perhaps Andy Johnson kan tell yu; he has bin lately reinsured, his
polisy having about run out.
_Ezra._--Noboddy but a phool would try tew hold a bull bi the tail; and
yet Ezra, mi dear unknown frend, how menny ov us take just as foolish a
holt on evrything.
_Mike._--It aint necessary that a prayer, tew be good, should be very
long or very loud, i hav used one like this fur the last 4 years, and
it suits me: "O Lord! visit mi heart fust, mi head next, and mi
pocket-book last."
_Mason._--"Man wants but little here belo" may hav bin true when it wos
fust ritten, but ever since the war he wants aul he kan lay his claws
on.
_Byron._--I read yure poem carefully. it won't anser. it is tew mutch
longer than it is wide. Poetry is a good deal like a clothes-line, very
apt tew spred lengthways if at all. Most evryboddy, sumtime during
their lives, has the poetry ailment, jist as they hav the teeth cut,
but one teeth cutting satisfies evryboddy but the phools.
_Dunkirk._--Yu tell me "that yu hav konkluded tew lead an arkadian
life;" the arkadians are a clever sett ov phellers in the lump; i lived
with them 7 years onst in mi life, but they got into the habit ov
dipping their bread into the pork grease, tew save butter, and then i
quit the arkadians.
_Abigall._--Bonnets kontinue tew be worn yet; the present stile is
about the size ov a kold bukwheat kake; feathers are not so much worn
this spring, on akount ov the grate supply ov bob-tailed roosters in
the kuntry.
_Lizzy._--The gentleman yu inquire about is a bachelor in full
communion bi profession; his habits fur honesta is good; he pays cash
for his whiskey and billyards.
_Farmer._--i kant tell yu how much oats it is best tew plant on an
aker, but i think, at a ruff guess, 15 or 20 bushels would be a grate
plenty. i never had but 7 years' chance at farming, but if mi memory
serves me right, (and i never caught her in a lie,) rye must be a good
krop tew raise, for old rye sells now quick for 6 or 7 dollars a
gallond.
_Pelham._--No notice will be took, (from this date hereafterwards) ov
letters that hain't got a postage-stamp onto them.
Don't write only on one side ov the manuscript, and don't write mutch
onto that.
Don't send a manuscript, unless yu kan read it yureself, after it gits
dry.
We pay, aul the way up hill, from 10 cents tew one dollar for
contribushuns, ackording tew heft.
Aul settlements made promptly at the end ov the next ensuing year.
Poetry and prose pieces respectively serlicited.
The highest market price paid for awful railrode smashes, and
elopements with another man's wife.
No swareing aloud in our paper.
Yure article on "frogs" is received.
It made me laff like lightning.
LX.
JOSH CHAWS HIS CUD.
Earthli glory is sum like potatoze on very ritch sile,--top
plenty,--tater skase.
* * * * *
It aint so much trouble tew _git_ ritch, as it is tew tell when we hav
_got_ ritch.
* * * * *
The most bitter sarkasm sleeps in silent words.
* * * * *
It is unkommon hard tew annihilate a man with words,--altho it is often
undertook.
* * * * *
Hope is evryboddy's handmaid--she is a sli coquet and promises menny
favors, but grants only a fu, and them are badly diskounted.
* * * * *
If yu want tew git at the circumference ov a man, examine him among
men,--but if yu want tew get at his aktual diameter, meazure him at his
fireside.
* * * * *
Thare is nothing so difficult tew hide as our follys.
* * * * *
Thare seems tew be 4 styles ov mind,--
1st, them who know it _iz_ so!
2d, them who know it _aint_ so!
3d, them who split the diffrence, and guess at it!
4th, them who don't care a darn which way it is!
* * * * *
Thare is but few men who hav karackter enuff tew lead a life ov
idleness.
* * * * *
True Love is spelt just the same in Choctaw, as it is in English.
* * * * *
Thoze who retire from the world on akount ov its sin and peskyness,
must not forgit that they hav got tew keep kompany with a person who
wants just as much watching as ennyboddy else.
* * * * *
Buty that don't make a woman vain makes her very butiful.
* * * * *
A puppy plays with evry pup he meets, but old dorgs hav but fu
associates.
* * * * *
He who buys what he kant want, will ear long want what he kant buy.
* * * * *
It kosts a good deal tew be wise, but it don't kost ennything tew be
happy.
* * * * *
Necessity begot Invenshun, Invenshun begot Convenience, Convenience
begot Pleasure, Pleasure begot Luxury, Luxury begot Riot and Disease,
Riot and Disease, between them, begot Poverty, and Poverty begot
Necessity again,--this is the revolushun ov man, and is about aul he
kan brag on.
Power either makes a man a tyrant, or a tool.
* * * * *
Thare is no such thing as flattery,--if commendashun is deserved, it is
no flattery, but truth, and if commendashun is undeserved, it is not
flattery, but slander.
* * * * *
"Man was kreated a little lower than the Angels,"--and it is lucky for
the said Angels that he was.
* * * * *
"The luxury ov grief!"--this, i take it, means tew hav yure old unkle
die, and leave yu $9000, and yu cry.
* * * * *
"Love lies bleeding!"--this is probably one ov the bludiest lies that
ever was told.
[Illustration: The artist here represents NEATNESS [when carried too
far] as a Roman Warrior, armed with every symbol of house-cleaning
apparatus, and waging war upon all unoffending people who are not
willing to have their apartments thoroughly cleaned every day.--_See
page 193._]
LXI.
MONOGRAFFS.
THE NEAT PERSON.
Neatness, in my opinyun, iz one ov the virtews. I hav alwus konsidered
it twin sister to chastity. But while I almost worship neatness in
folks, i hav seen them who did understand the bizzness so well az tew
acktually make it fearful tew behold. I hav seen neatness that want
satisfied in being a common-sized virtew, but had bekum an ungovernable
pashun, enslaving its possesser, and making everyboddy uneazy who kum
in kontackt with it.
When a person finds it necessary to skour the nail heds in the cellar
stairs evry day, and skrub oph the ducks' feet in hot water, it iz then
that neatness haz bekum the tyrant of its viktim.
I hav seen individuals who wouldn't let a tired fly light on the wall
paper ov their spare room enny quicker than they would let a dog mix up
the bread for them, and who would hunt a single cockroach up stairs and
down until his leggs were wore oph clear up to his stummuk but what
they would hav him. I kan't blame them for being a little lively with
the cockroach, for i don't like cockroaches miself--espeshily in mi
soup.
Thare iz no persons in the world who work so hard and so eternally az
the vicktims ov extatick neatness; but they don't seem tew do mutch
after all, for they don't get a thing fairly cleaned to their mind
before the other end ov it gits dirty, and they fall tew scrubbling it
awl over agin.
If you should shut one ov these people up in a hogshead, they would
keep bizzy scouring all the time, and would clean a hole right thru the
side ov the hogshed in less than 3 months.
They will keep a whole house dirty the year round cleaning it, and the
only peace the family can hav iz when mother iz either bileing soap or
making dip kandles.
They rize before daylight, so az to begin scrubbing early, and go tew
bed before dark for fear things will begin tew git dirty. These kind ov
excessiv neat folks are not alwus very literary, but they know soft
water from hard bi looking at it, and they kan tell what kind ov soap
will fetch oph the dirt best. They are sum like a kitchin gardin--very
regularly laid out, but not planted yet.
If mi wife waz one ov these kind ov neatnesses I would love her more
than ever, for i do luv awl the different kinds ov neatness; but i
think we would keep house by travelling round awl the time, and not
stay but one night in a place, and i don't think she would undertake
tew skrub up the whole ov the United States ov Amerika.
THE PHATT MAN.
Thare iz only 3 things that belong tew other folks that i ever envy,
and them iz virtew, flesh, and understanding.
I suppose it iz possibel for a man tew manufakter hiz own virtew, and
improve hiz stock ov understanding; but he kant kivver hiz long, lean
boddy ov bones with a soft and pulpy cushion ov flesh, that is fun tew
set down on.
I never cum akross a phatt man neatly dressed, with hiz slik and
shining face cut generously out ov warm meat, and gashed with a pair of
smaking lips, az smoothe and az gently red az the doorway tew a sea
shell, and garnished with a grate pair of juicy eyes, that are forever
slopping over with good natur, but what I wanted to call him unkle, and
kiss him for mi ant.
And then their embonpint, (i beleave you call it,) so outspoken, so
full ov good things, iz equal to a dinner, for a lean devil, like me,
to look at even.
I kant tell whatt makes one man so phatt, and the next one so like an
empty stocking, or a manakin in a narrow bolster, unless it iz that the
phatt souls are like a mountain spring, fed from within, until they
kant hold no more, and then run over the brim, tew make others happy.
Did ye ever kno a phatt man to commit sewicide? i guess yu never did;
they luv gravy tew well for that.
Shaikspear loved old Jack Fallstaff more than enny picture he ever
drew, and tho he filled him up tew the edge with deviltry, and stale
heroism, and much sack, and but little bread, he made him phatt, and
everyboddy would be verry sorry now tew hav this good-natured hillock
ov flesh graded down out ov their memory.
When Shaikspear wanted sum pizen, he sought out, you remember, a _lean_
apothekary, who kept a grocery ov beggarly boxes.
Did yu ever hear ov a phatt man being hung? I guess not. They sumtimes
destroy plum puddin, and biled ox, but they never murder enny thing
that ain't good tew eat.
That must hav been a phatt Frenchman who exclaimed, upon hiz fust visit
tew this kuntry, "By gar! what a people! Ten tousand different
religions, and only one gravy!"
In konklusion, i never knu but one phatt skool-master, and he want good
for enny thing, only tew slide down hill with the boys. This satisfize
me that _phat_ iz only another name for virtew.
LXII.
JOSH TALKS.
"_Paul._"--Yu ask me what i think ov the "Gift Distributing bizziness,"
and i don't hesitate tew say, that it has awl the premonitory simptums
ov a dead beat.
I hav alwus found that when enny man offers tew giv me ten dollars for
50 cents, he lies; i may think he means to do it, but he don't think
so; but i may possibly cum within 2 dollars and a half ov it once, and
if i do, i hav dun well, a grate deal better than i will the next time.
I never put enny money into these swindles, and would as soon undertake
tew raize a good sized greenback bi planting a shinplaster back ov the
hog pen.
If yu get desperate, and feel az tho yu must gamble, or die, go 25
cents, odd or even, on the number ov hairs in a kat's back, and count
them; this will cool yu oph.
"_Peter._"--I kant simpathize with yu, for i never was in love miself,
and don't kno what iz best tew grease it with.
Put a plaster on yur back, and see if that won't help yu.
If yu don't git enny better, wash in kerosene ile, and eat sum green
persimmons; if that don't make yu feel enny more eazier, git sea-sick,
and lift up things; this will cure 9 times out ov ten.
If yu find you don't git enny better, take another dose ov
sea-sickness.
If yu keep a gitting, finally, more wuss, yu hav got the real old
yeller love, and no mistake.
Thare iz only one kure for this kind, and that iz the ile ov wedlock;
but this iz very powerful, and wants tew be took with grate caution.
I hav known one dose ov it tew give a man phitts for life.
"_Brahma Pootra._"--Speaking ov hens, leads me tew remark, in the fust
place, that hens, thus far, are a suckcess.
They are domestick, and occasionally are tuff.
This iz owing tew their not being biled often enuff in their yunger
daze; but the hen ain't tew blame for this.
Biled hen is universally respekted.
Thare is a grate deal ov originality tew the hen--exactly how mutch i
kant tell, historians fight so mutch about it. Sum say Knower had hens
with him in the ark, and sum say he didn't. So it goes which and
tuther.
I kant tell yu which was born fust, the hen or the egg; sumtimes i
think the egg was--and sumtimes i think the hen was--and sumtimes i
think i don't kno, and i kant tell now, which way is right, for the
life of me.
Laying eggs is the hen's best grip.
A hen that kant lay eggs--is laid out.
One egg is konsidered a fair day's work for a hen. i hav heard ov their
doing better, but i don't want a hen ov mine tew do it--it is apt tew
hurt their constitution and by-laws, and thus impaire their futer
worth.
The poet sez, beautifully:
"Sumboddy haz stole our old blew hen!
I wish they'd let her bee;
She used tew lay 2 eggs a day,
And Sundays she'd lay 3."
This sounds trew enuff for poetry, but i will bet 75 thousand dollars
that it never took place.
This bet stands open till the 17th day ov November next, at halff past
twelve o'clock.
"_Student._"--Rats originally cum from Norway, and i wish they had
originally staid thare.
They are about as uncalled for as a pain in the small ov the back.
They kan be domestikated dreadful easy, that is, as far as gitting in
cupboards, and eating cheese, and knawing pie, is concerned.
The best way tew domestikate them that ever i saw, is tew surround them
gently, with a steel trap; yu kan reason with them then tew grate
advantage.
Rats are migratorious, they migrately whare ever they hav a mind to.
Pisen is also good for rats; it softens their whole moral naturs.
Cats hate rats, and rats hate cats, and--who don't.
I serpose thare is between 50 and 60 millions of rats in Amerika (i
quote now entirely from memory,) and i don't serpose thare is a single
necessary rat in the whole lot. This shows at a glance how menny waste
rats thare is. Rats enhance in numbers, faster than shoe pegs do by
machinery. One pair ov helthy rats is awl that enny man wants tew start
the rat bissiness with, and in ninety days, without enny outlay, he
will begin tew hav rats,--tew turn oph.
Rats viewed from enny platform yu kan bild, are unspeakably cussid, and
i would be willing tew make enny man who would destroy awl the rats in
the United States, a valuable keepsake, say for instance either the
life and sufferings ov Andy Johnson, in one vollum calf bound, or a
receipt tew kure the blind staggers.
LXIII.
GIMBLITS.
When a man loses hiz health then he fust begins tew take good care on
it. This iz good judgment! this iz!
* * * * *
Most people decline tew learn only bi their own experiense. I guess
they are more than 1/2 right, for I don't serpoze a man can git a
perfek idee on molasses kandy bi letting another feller taste it for
him.
* * * * *
It iz a getting so no-a-daze if a man kant cheat in sum way he aint
happy.
* * * * *
Success in life iz verry apt tew make us forget the time when we wasn't
much. It iz jist so with the frog on the jump; he kant remember when he
waz a tadpole--but other folks kan.
* * * * *
An individual, tew be a fine gentleman, has either got tew be born so
or be brought up so from infansy; he kant learn it suddin enny more
than he kan larn how tew tork injun correkly bi praktising on a
tommyhawk.
* * * * *
I wonder if thare ever waz an olde maid who ever herd on a match that
she thought waz suitable.
* * * * *
If a man wants tew git at hiz aktual dimenshuns, let him visit a
grave-yard.
* * * * *
I suppoze Adam iz the only man who ever lived and want never spanked.
* * * * *
I hav oftin sett down square on the ice, bi having mi feet git out ov
plase; but i never could see ennything in it tew laff at, (espeshila if
thare waz sum water on the top ov the ise,) but i notis other folks
kan.
* * * * *
Precepts are like kold bukwheat slap-jacks,--noboddy feels like being
sassy tew them, nor noboddy wants tew adopt them.
* * * * *
If enny man wants tew be an olde bachelor, and git sick at a boarding
tavern, and hav a back room in the 4th story, and hav a red haired
chambermaid bring hiz water gruel tew him in a tin wash-basin, I hav
alwus sed, and i stick tew it yet, he haz got a perfek right tew dew
it.
* * * * *
It iz dreadful eazy work tew repent ov other folks sins--but not very
profitable.
LXIV.
MORE CORRESPONDENCE.
LONG BRANCH, August 24th.
DEAR WEEKLY:--I seaze the opportunity--opportunitys are like pullet's
eggs, they are small, and don't cum only one at a time--tew tell yu by
letter how mutch I am infatuated with Long Branch.
I arrived hear tew weeks ago, just in time tew see the Atlantick Ocean,
which iz now on exhibition and doing a swelling bizziness tew full
houses.
The fust thing I did after mi arrival waz tew _go in_, and I waz
astonished tew find the water so high seasoned. I asked an intelligent
natiff who stood on the bank, with both ov hiz hands in hiz pantaloon
pockets, the cauze ov this saltuous phenomenon, and he informed me "_he
didn't care_."
I think the cuss lied.
It iz perfectly heart-rending, and fills one ov mi mellow nature with
tumults ov genuwine sorrow, tew see the gross amount ov young femailes
here on track ov husbands and prospective fathers.
I counted 16 yesterday in one pile. They all drew in their breaths as I
passed by them with downcast eyes. I felt sorry awl the way through for
them, but couldn't give them enny releaf, for I am thoroughly marrid,
and intend to keep so.
Shoddy and Petroleum are both here, az full ov wind az a bellows, and
attrakt az mutch attention az a pattent churn, warranted tew make good
sweet butter from skim milk in ten minits; but they say "they shan't
remain long, bekause it smells so much like old brine."
Yesterday I went out a crabbing, and caught a cart load ov them
(several ov them with my hands).
Crabs bite with their feet, and hang on like a country cousin.
Crabs are used for diet, but thare ain't mutch more meat in them than
thare iz in a horse-shoe, and it iz about az difficult to arrive at.
They also hav the musketow here, a musikil bug, in great profusion;
they travel around loose, and seem to know everyboddy.
The bathing here iz perfectly plenty, and the bathers resemble
mermaids--half men and half wimmin--and when they emerge from the
Atlantic Ocean you kant tell _which_ is _who_, unless you ask them.
After bathing yu feel a kind ov diskonsolate feeling, for which I was
advised (by the resident physician) tew wet miself inside with sum
whiskee.
I took one small wash, about a tumbler full, and immediately never felt
so mutch like lifting things in awl mi life.
I thought I could lift an acre and a half of their light sandy land,
and acktually tried tew do it, but after the whiskee let go its grip ov
me I felt as though I could pursew an angle worm into her hole, and
hadn't strength enuff left tew take a photograff ov me.
If ever I drink enny more Jersee whiskee, it will be after I am ded and
gone.
Thare iz only one church here, and it kan hold so few that noboddy
don't _go_, out ov politeness.
Thare iz 21 hotels, and they are principally bilt inside out, tew give
the boarders az mutch salt wind az possible.
The lodging rooms are about the size ov a hencoop. Each one haz a door
to them, two cracked wash bowls, and a wet towel.
Dinner iz paraded at 2 o'clock, and opens with soup, and shuts up with
huckelberrys. Huckelberrys are the ruling pashun in New jersey.
The servants are designed tew be blak, but menny ov them hav resided so
long amung the whites that they begin tew adopt our color.
Yesterday the Big Snake (which annually makes his appearance here, and
at Nuport, and belongs tew the landlords ov the different taverns) waz
distinktly visibel to the naked eye.
Az we stood gazing at the Black Crook, a very well drest man told me he
hadn't enny doubt that this waz the old primary old serpent that snaked
Eve out ov Paradise a fu years ago.
I waz so mutch pleased with the moral power ov the idee, that I
immediately offered him six dollars for it, but he sed he waz engaged
exclusively to write one year for the _Ledger_, and couldn't spare it.
He also sed "he had made snakes a studdy for 14 years," and gave us a
long orashun about the different kind ov snake, (including the copper
snake,) and did it in sich a kind ov a way that led me to beleaf he waz
one ov yure cussed brunette republikans.
Thare was one feller, who wore glasses and looked with hiz mouth, sed
"the entire snake waz an optik allussion, cauzed by the rays ov the
oshun upon the philaktrick globbules ov the saline fluids."
The feller had a very perpindikular forehed, and wore hiz hair a grate
deal behind, and looked tew me az tho he had been gittin himself in
condition tew travail in the Holy Land.
One delikate little cherub ov a female (not an hour over 35 years)
screamed tenderly, and begun tew feel for a snake.
One pensive creeture murmured "How bewitching!" and another sed "How
egstatick!" but one coarse individual spilte the whole effect ov the
thing by bawling out, loud enuff for the snake to hear, "What a--lov a
snake!" but the snake took no notis ov the remark, and soon skrewed
himself out ov sight.
Adew.
LXV.
SUM NATRAL HISTORY.
The _Alligator_ iz not a natiff ov Nu England; he iz too useless a
critter tew be born thare.
He belongs down South, and resides in the same swamp that the
copperhead duz.
He lives upon raw pig, and don't hesitate tew take them whole, if thare
don't happen tew be a smaller one handy.
He iz also fond ov a little negro, once in a while, by way ov a fresh.
They are amphibicus, and sevral other kinds ov cuss too plenty to
menshun.
What on earth they are good for, i don't seem to know, unless it iz tew
watch for pigs.
Their hides kan be tanned into leather, but they are az hard tew skin
az a beech tree iz; and the leather, when tanned, iz just about as
limber az a cooking-stove. But one pair ov boots, made out ov
alligator, will last az long az a man's name duz; the only way tew wear
them out iz tew heave them away.
Alligator meat iz not luscious. If yu ask for it at the fust-klass
hotels, they will alwus tell yu "that they are jist out." It tastes az
i should think the beef ov a mule would, who had been worked forty
years in a brick-yard, and then been struk with lightning, to git rid
ov him.
When an alligater's mouth iz wide open, hiz head iz just about in the
center ov hiz boddy; but they hav one virtew i came verry near
forgitting--they make a verry still noize, altho they hav more jaw than
enny other critter i kno ov.
These are sum ov the heavyest fakts i hav been able tew gather about
the alligater.
The alligator seems tew be a second edition ov the krokadile, made out
ov what waz left.
I think the krokodile usually lays eggs when they want sum more
krokadiles, but i don't kno whether i think the alligatur duz or don't;
but if they do, and i ever find the nest, and the old feller aint on
the nest, i shouldn't hesitate tew hatch out the eggs myself--with a
klub.
This iz all i kno at prezent about the alligatur.
* * * * *
The Ren iz the smallest thing surrounded with feathers, except the
humming bird.
He iz about the size ov a horse chestnutt.
He iz ov a dark brown color, and bilds hiz nest in not holes, out ov
little bits ov stix.
He iz az gritty az a mud pie, and will fight a hen turkey.
Rens are little pirates; i hav seen them drive a blu-bird out ov his
house, and sett up bizziness on hiz stock in trade.
They lay an egg about the size ov a marrow fat p, and hatch out at
least a half dozen children at a setting.
A young ren iz the funniest little package i ever see done up; they
aint much bigger, and look verry mutch like a small-sized semicolon.
Rens are long-lived, but if they should live tew be az old az
Methuseler, they wouldn't be az bigg az a butter-nutt.
They liv on the bug and worm family, and spend their winters south.
They are not profitable to eat--i would az soon dress a bumble bee, and
one ren pot pie would use up the whole breed.
* * * * *
THE CROW.
Next to the monkey, the crow haz the most deviltry to spare. They are
born verry wild, but kan be tamed az eazy az the goat kan, but a tame
crow iz aktually wuss than a sore thumb.
If thare iz enny thing about the house that they kant git into, it iz
bekause the thing ain't big enuff. I had rather watch a distrikt skool
than one tame crow. Crows live on what they kan steal, and they will
steal enny thing that aint tied down.
They are fond ov meat vittles, and are the first tew hold an inquest
over a departed horse, or a still sheep. They are a fine bird tew hunt,
but a hard one tew kill; they kan see you 2 miles first, and will smell
a gun right through the side ov a mountain.
They are not songstirs, altho they hav a good voice to cultivate, but
what they do sing, they seem to understand thoroughly; long praktiss
has made them perfekt.
The crow iz a tuff bird, and kan stand the heat like a blacksmith, and
the cold like a stun wall.
They bild their nest among a tree, and lay twice, and both eggs would
hatch out, if they was laid in a snow bank,--thare aint no such thing
as stopping a young crow.
Crows are very lengthy; i beleave they live always i never knu one to
die a natral deth, and don't believe they kno how.
They are alwus thin in flesh, and are like an injun rubber shew, poor
inside and out.
They are not considered fine eating, altho i hav read sumwhare ov biled
crow, but still i never heard ov the same man hankering for sum biled
crow 2 times.
This essa on the crow is copied from natur, and if it is true, i aint
tew blame for it; natur made the crow, i didn't; if i had i would hav
made her more honest and not quite so tuff.
* * * * *
The Bumble Bee is one ov natur's sekrets.
They probably hav a destiny to fill, and are probably necessary, if a
fellow only knew how.
They liv apart from the rest ov mankind, in little circles numbering
about 75 or 80 souls.
They are born about haying time, and are different from enny bug i know
ov; they are the biggest when they are fust born. They resemble sum men
in this respekt.
Their principle bizziness is making poor honey, but they don't make
enny to sell.
Boys sumtimes rob them out ov a whole summer's work; but thare is one
thing about a bumble bee that boys alwus watch dreadful cluss, and that
iz their _helm_.
I had rather not hav awl the bumble bee honey that is between here and
the city ov Jerusalem, than tew hav a bumble bee hit me with his helm
when he cums round suddin.
They are different from other war vessels; the helm alwus minds the
bumble bee.
LXVI.
SLIVVERS OV THOUGHT.
The heart ov a true friend iz like a mirror; if yu look into it yu see
yurself thare.
* * * * *
Wisdom that don't make us happier aint worth plowing for.
* * * * *
I am dredful fond ov melody; and a banjo, with a negro hung tew it,
will knock more sense out ov me, in one night, than i kan git back in 3
weeks.
* * * * *
It is a good plan tu know menny people, but tu let only a few kno yu.
* * * * *
I have no more respekt for those who only cater tu mi imaginashun, than
I have for the man who fust invented ginger-pop.
* * * * *
I never knu a man ov much wisdum who could sing a song well or pla on a
fiddle.
* * * * *
I don't kare how mutch a man talks, if he will only say it in a few
wurds.
* * * * *
Rewards deferred make us miserable; it is jist so with punishments.
When i was a boy, i had rather be licked twice than tew be postponed
once.
* * * * *
Thare is one thing sertain: reason is more than master ov the pashuns.
If this iz probably so, the man must be a phool who aint boss ov
himself.
* * * * *
I think it reduces the stummuk ake tew holler; so i think it lessens
awl kinds ov anguish, just as it does sin, by owning it.
* * * * *
We are awl willing tew pay more for being amused than instrukted.
* * * * *
How menny folks do yu serpose thare is in this world who are satisfied
with things as far as they hav got? Not more than 6, i'll bet. This
looks rather dusty for the rest ov the trip.
* * * * *
Thare aint no general rule for happiness; a man has tew be measured for
his happiness, just as he does for his boots, and even then he don't
alwus git a good fit.
* * * * *
Joy will make a man change ends quicker than sorrow.
* * * * *
If a yung man kant find enny thing else that he is fit for, i like tew
see him carry a goold-headed cane.
The top rounds ov a ladder are always the most dangerous.
* * * * *
I beleaf in the final salvashun ov men, but i want the privilege ov
picking the men.
* * * * *
Thare is just this difference between a success and a failure--1/4 ov
an inch.
* * * * *
It is a great deal easier tew beat natur than it is tew equal her--so
it is easier tew bile an egg tew much, than just enuff.
LXVII.
THE BUZZERS.
Ov awl the insekts or even animals, who occupy two legs and breathe the
same kind ov air, and drink the same kind ov water that other folks do,
thare is not a more distressingly bizzy and uncomfortably obnoxious
one, than yure whisperer.
I mean now those men or those wimmin whose position in the world gives
them the title tew be listened to, and even beleaved, who spend their
lives like a bumbel bee on the wing, from flower to flower, and from
thistle to thistle, buzzing and whispering.
These kind ov bumbel beeze deal only in sekrets ov the most delikate or
dreadful kind, which they entrust to you with awl the importance and
aimable reserve that distinguishes the intimate frend.
Thare is nothing in the world that would give them more pain or
confusion (if you can beleave them) than to have their buzzes repeated,
and yet, in truth, nothing would giv them more mortifikation if they
were not.
They sow their seed as the husbandman duz his expekting it tew sprout,
and rejoice as he duz in a good crop.
I know not from what ambishun this buzzing springs, unless it is the
vanity ov knowledge, or the skarcity ov news; but one thing is certain,
that no more inveterate workers kan be found--they are emphatikally the
early birds who find the worm; they are the bizzy bees ov thrift, and
they are your provident pissmires who alwus have corn in their cells
against the calamity ov a wet day. Evry citty has a thousand ov them,
evry village a score, and evry naborhood its Aunt Dority, or its Unkle
Darby, who whisper and buzz from Christmas to Christmas agin. These
insekts know evry marriage that is on the ways, and just when it is tew
be launched; they know awl the slips and the slipshods within a circle
of twenty leagues or more; they guess at outrages and divine
bankrupcys; they hear ov elopements in the breath ov the morning, and
see the spektral shaddow ov a domestik brawl stealing on tiptoze amid
the gray ov the evening; they know the crimes ov evrybodys grandfather,
and remember, just like a book, the time when the wife ov esquire Baker
was no better than she should be. I don't know as there is truth enuff
in the world just now to do the bizness with; if there aint, the
buzzers may be in a measure necessary as a circulating medium; but if
this is really so, they stand in the same relation to an honest
circulation that other counterfit munny dus.
I hav searched the musty annals ov primogeniture, and hav dove down
deep into the labarynths of succession, to trace the literal descent ov
these slander-breeding and birth-giving scorpions, and found that about
four thousand years ago, _Envy_ begot _Malice_, _Malice_ begot
_Revenge_, and _Revenge_ had twins--one was a common thief and the
other was a buzzer.
Nature seems, in the production of Buzzers, to hav transgressed one ov
her most aimable laws: I mean, the grate parsimony she generally shows
in inflikting humanity with venemous reptiles.
Stealing is more ancient and more honorable than malishus buzzing, but
it aint quite so safe; the goods are often found on the thief, and this
leads to his detection, while the buzzer is more like the incendiary,
who applys the match and makes good his escape before the flames begin
tew spread.
If these pests ov humanity were not wuss in their malice than a pizen
snake without rattles, or meaner in their mischief than the robber ov
birds nests, I would try and hunt up an apology for them, or at least,
would attribute to an eager curiosity, or the vanity ov being thought a
kind ov sub-treasury ov other folks' confidence, what is quite too
often too gross to be set down only in the calendar ov crimes.
Good-bye buzzers, ov high and low degree--yu that buzz in petticoats,
and yu that buzz in britches; I hav but one opinion ov yu, and that
is--a dreadful mean one.
LXVIII.
MONOGRAFFS.
THE PASHIONATE MAN.
Pride, without dout, is the old man ov anger.
The pashionate man is like a hornet's nest, alwus reddy for a fight.
These kind ov men live, if they are possessed ov virtues, the most
degrading kind ov a life; their fury is followed bi the humiliation ov
repentance. Pride forces them tew the indignity ov an apology, and the
apology is but the smouldering ashes ov another fit ov phrensy.
If men only flew into a pashun at great things thare would be some
pleasure in forgiving them if it took an earthquake or an elephant tew
stir them up, we could pity them; but to see them convulsed with rage
bekause they stub their toe, or bekause their name happens to be spelt
wrong in the morning paper, sinks them down tew the level ov a cat,
whose dignity and decency is awl gone if enny boddy happens to step on
their continuation.
But i don't want it told around the country that i am hollering
halleluger for a living, on them kind uv men who kant git mad at all.
I don't believe the Lord ever intended, if a mule kicks me on one side,
that i am tew turn the other fresh side tew the mule.
I say, let a hornet light ontu yu if he wants to, and let him set
thare, and chaw his cud in peace; but if he stings yu, while he is
setting on yu, i say, kill the cuss.
THE ZEALOUS MAN.
The zealous man is alwus trieing tew bile, that is, if he has got enny
steam on at all.
His pot never simmers, it generally biles over, and puts out the fire;
he is either awl bile, or not even lukewarm.
Zeal often makes a man more ridiklus than folly duz; in fakt, zeal and
folly were twins, only zeal was born a little first; he couldn't wait,
ov course, till his time cum.
Zeal in religion, is the way that biggots are made, an zeal in selling
the most dri goods, is the way that good liars are made.
I beleaf in zeal, but when it trys tew beat Dexter's time, then i think
it wants watching as much as a mule's hind legg dus.
Zeal that trots square, and goes a measured mile in about 3 minnitts
without a skip, is mi kind; i am willing to bet mi suspender buttons
(and they are the last things i want tew lose) on this kind ov zeal.
After all, zeal is a good deal like lead; when it is biling hot, yu kan
run it into enny kind ov shape yu want tew, but when it is cold, it is
as heavy as enny thing i kno ov.
I want mi zeal just as i dew mi beefsteak, nicely dun thru.
THE GOOD-NATURED MAN.
Good nature is not an accomplishment, (that is it is not one of them
kind ov collaterals, that kan be manufakterd,) it is one ov the
virtews, which a man gits, just as he dus his nose, bi having it born
with him.
It is really worth more tew the world, tew hav a good natured man born
into it, and go into the good natured bissness, than to hav a poeck
born, and go into the poeckry bissness.
Good natur is what evry man kan understand, but there is a good deal of
poeckry that noboddy kan understand, and if they did, they wouldn't be
enny the wiser for it.
Good natured men work up into fathers, husbands, and brothers, fust
rate, and without enny waste; they make good feller citizens, and evry
boddy feels as if they had some stock in them; little children love
them, and the girls ain't afrade tew be kist by them; they are as safe
and as pleasant as root beer.
The good-natured man aint alwus a statesman, nor aint alwus just the
man for sekretary ov the treasury, but to grease the griddle ov evry
day life, tew soften the furious, tew raise the despondent, and tew
endorse 60 day paper, he weighs at least a ton.
I had rather be a good natured man than tew hav a seat in the New York
Legislature; thare may not be as mutch money in it, but thare is twice
the means ov grace.
LXIX.
PHILOSOPHEE ON THE HALF SHELL.
I hav finally cum tew the conclusion that thare aint truth enuff in the
world, just now, to do the bissiness with, and if sum kind ov
compromise cant be had, the Devil might as well step in, and run the
consarn at onst.
* * * * *
I always advise short sermons, espeshily on a hot Sunday. If a minister
cant strike ile in boring 40 minutes, he has either got a poor gimblet,
or else he is a boring in the rong plase.
* * * * *
Don't tell the world yure sorrows, enny more than you would tell them
your shame.
* * * * *
Philosophers are like graveyards--they take all things just as they
come, and give them a decent burial and a suitable epitaff.
* * * * *
Enny boddy can tell where lightning struck last, but it takes a smart
man tew find out whare it is going tew strike nex time--this is one ov
the differences between learning and wisdom.
* * * * *
Sailors heave the lead for the purpose ov finding the bottom, not for
the purpose ov going thare--it is sum so with advise; men should ask
for it, not so mutch for the purpose ov following it, as for the
purpose ov strengthening their own plans.
* * * * *
I have got a first rate recollekshun, but no memory--I can recolleckt
distinctly ov loseing a 10 Dollar bill onse, but cant remember whare,
to save mi life.
* * * * *
There is men ov so mutch learning and impudence, they wouldn't hesitate
tew criticise the song ov a bird.
* * * * *
Hogs hav an excellent ear for music--but it takes a dog tew pitch the
tune.
* * * * *
I hav seen men as full ov indecision as an old barn--alwus reddy, but
didn't know exactly which way to pitch.
* * * * *
Thare is sum folks whose thoughts cant be controled:--they are like
twins, they cant be had, nor they cant be stopped.
* * * * *
Most ennyboddy can write poor sense, but there aint but few that can
write good nonsense--and it alwus takes an eddycated man to appreciate
it after it is writ.
LXX.
JOSH EPISTOLATES.
_Neptune._--I cant answer yure questions satisfactorily tew miself, but
perhaps mi answers may suit yu. I cant tell yu what _wit_ and _humor_
is.
It may be the bringing together two ideas, apparently unlike, and hav
them prove tew be a cluss match.
Thare wouldn't be enny wit in striking fire with a flint, but thare
might be in striking fire with a piece of injia rubber.
I don't serpose thare would be enny grate quantity ov wit in yure
telling sumboddy that yure gal was as hansum as a rose, but thare might
possibly be sum wit into it if yu should go on and say that she was as
frail, and as thorny, too.
Humor (as compared with wit) seems to be what the old fashioned folks
in Connecticut used tew call "heat lightning," not the original artikle
that gashes the heavens with a flaming sword, and makes a fellow's hair
get up on end and ake with astonishment. Humor don't dazzle, don't
knock a man down with a sparkle; it is more a soothing syrup, sumthing
tew tickle, without enny danger ov throwing the patient into fits.
Thare seems tew be more than one kind ov wit; punning is called wit,
but punning alwus looked to me like trieing tew make words pass for
ideas.
Thare is without doubt, sum wit in puns, but it is something like
sticking a pin into a man, just for fun, and then ask him tew join in
the joke.
Thare is sum more kinds ov wit, but i find i aint roomy enuff in the
skull tew talk mutch about them.
Wit and humor both are similar tew kissing; thare is a peculiar kind ov
bewitchment in awl three ov them, that evryboddy can acknowledge better
than they can pictur out.
Almost evryboddy hankers tew be witty, and most folks think they am,
but ginowine wit is like piety; thare aint much ov it in the market,
and those who think they hav the least ov it, are quite apt tew hav the
most.
_Philo._--I am chuck full ov favourable sentiments towards dancing. I
like most awl kinds, from a genteel, and modest Saratoger prance, tew
the limber, and loose bilt Alabama break-down. Thare is no other way
tew git the booby out ov a boy, and keep him from steping onto himself,
than tew learn him how tew danse. This kind ov leg manuel is useful for
both sexes. Dancing is just as harmless as gitting over a fence, and i
think dancing-masters should be encouraged, but still i haint got enny
more respekt for a full grown man, who weighs over a hundred pounds,
who will give himself up tew this profession, ov learning folks how tew
dance, than I hav for the fellow who exhibits trained mice. The best
apology that i kan make, tew these dancing professors, is tew say, that
they are martyrs tew the calling. But while I am loud in mi sentiments
for the theory ov motion, thare is sum ov its collaterals that don't
fasten onto my bussum with mutch exta-tickness, but rather with grate
clammyness. I don't kno but awl the kind ov dances that are now raging,
are as free from guile as an oyster, but i hav witnessed sum amung the
top ov the ladder folks, (i don't know the name ov the dances) that i
think ought tew be confined tew the married people, and each man with
his own wife, and not tew menny bystanders at that.
The amusements which i refer to, are ov the cluss communion style, a
species ov affectionate rotaryousness, interspersed with palpitating
pauses, and demiquaver wiglings, which, strike me, must be indulged in
with great risk by those whose minds and hearts ain't thoroughly broke
to go in aul harness.
I kant dance miself; i was away from hum in mi younger dase, bissy
about sumthing else, when i ought tew hav learnt, and the consequents
is, that i cant even walk now without betraying mi awkwardness.
I am most certainly in favor ov dancing, as a matter of boddy and limb
educashun; but i hope the fastidious and immoderately polite won't
introduce into the exercise ov this most delightful and innocent
amusement enny more questionable figgers and forms, and will see the
propriety ov banishing some now already indulged in, which are more a
credit tew their dexterity and prurient knowledge than tew enny thing
else.
_Plutark._--"Bring up a child in the way he should go, and when he gits
old, he won't depart from it."
This is trew, but it is tuff to know how to do it.
I have seen children brought up on hasty pudding and the catechism,
half and half; but they didn't stick. Ministers' sons are proverbial
eggs for badness; this may be owing tew the fact, that religious
discipline aint half so good tew raise young ones on as good common
sense is.
When I speak ov "religious discipline," Plutark, i don't mean piety, i
only mean a certain kind of stiff-faced and buckram morality, made up
out ov creed and ironclad noshons.
As a general thing ministers hav as little tew brag ov, over and above
their piety, as ennybody i kno ov.
As a class, they are better judges of chicken pie than they are of
human natur; their theorys are too much like a tredmill, and there is
nothing in the world will ruin a child enny faster than tew bring them
up by rule.
Children want studdying as much as the weather dus during planting
time, tew know when and what tew plant.
One child may be as easy tew raise as pertatoes, and the next one as
difficult as wild oats.
I have raised two miself, and consider them a fair average, and the
only string I fiddled on was their good sense, and the more sense a
child has got the less fiddling is necessary.
If a young one haint got enny sense, they won't pay for raising
ennyhow.
If a child has got plenty ov sense, they are apt tew hav pride, and a
child that has got sense and pride, is just as easy tew raise as a
hopvine; aul you want to dew is tew stick up a decent pole for them,
and then stand one side and look on, and jerusalem! how the critters
will climb.
LXXI.
AULMINAK FOR 1869.
MARCH.
March begins on Saturday, and hangs on for 31 days.
_Saturday, 1st._--Sum wind; look out for squalls, and pack peddlers;
munny iz tight, so are briks. Ben Jonson had his boots tapped 1574;
eggs a dollar a piece, hens on a strike; mercury 45 degrees above zero;
snow, mixed with wind.
_Sunday, 2nd._--Horace Greeley preaches in Grace church; text, "the
gentleman in black," wind north-west, with simptoms of dust; hen strike
continues; the ringleaders are finally arrested and sent to pot; eggs
eazier.
_Monday, 3rd._--Big wind; omnibus, with 17 passengers inside, blown
over in Broadway; sow lettuce, and sow on buttons; about these days
look out for wind; Augustus Ceazer sighns the tempranse pledge 1286;
strong simptoms ov spring; blue birds and organ grinders make their
appearance; sun sets in wind.
_Tuesday, 4th._--Augustus Ceazer breaks the pledge 1286; "put not your
trust in kings, and princes;" much wind with rain; a whole lot ov
naughty children destroyed in Mercer street by wind; several gusts ov
wind; buckwheat slapjacks invented 1745; Andy Johnson commits suicide;
grate failure in Wall street; the Bulls fail tew inflate Erie; windy.
_Wensday, 5th._--A good day tew set a hen; mutch wind: "he that spareth
the child, hateth the rod;" wind raises awnings, and hoop skirts;
William Seward resigns in favor ov Fernando Would; Thad Stevens jines
the mormons.
_Thursday, 6th._--Wind generally, accompanied with wind from the east;
the Black Crook still rages; more wind; whisky hots still in favor ov
the seller; sow peas, and punkin pies, for arly sass; babes in the
woods born 1600; wind threatens.
_Friday, 7th._--Fred Douglass nominated for president by the demokrats;
black clouds in the west; wind brewing; grate scare in Nassau street; a
man runs over a horce; Docktors Pug and Bug in immediate attendance;
horce not expekted tew live. Rain and snow and wind and mud, about
equally mixt.
_Saturday, 8th._--Horce more easier this morning; mint julips offered,
but no takers. About these days expect wind; wind from the northwest; a
good day for wind mills. Half-past 5 o'clock, P.M., the following notis
appears on all the bulletin boards. "Doctor Pug thinks the horce, with
the most skillful treatment at the hands ov the attendant physicians,
may possibly be rendered suitable for a clam waggon, and Doctor Bug
corroborates Pug, _provided_, the oleaginous dipthong that connects the
parodial glysses with the nervaqular episode, is not displaced; if so,
the most consumit skill ov the profeshion will be requisite to restore
a secondary unity." Later--"The horce has been turned out tew grass."
_Sunday, 9th._--This is the Sabbath, a day that our fathers thought a
good deal ov. Mutch wind (in sum ov the churches); streets lively,
bissiness good; prize fight on the palisades; police reach the ground
after the fight is aul over, and arrest the ropes and the ring. Wind
sutherly; a lager-beer spring discovered just out ov the limits ov the
city; millions are flocking out to see it.
_Monday, 10th._--A gale, mile stuns are torn up bi the rutes; fight for
700 dollars and the belt, at Red Bank, Nu Jersey, between two well
known roosters; oysters fust eaten on the half shell 1342, by Don
Bivalvo, an Irish Duke; sun sets in the west.
_Tuesday, 11th._--Roosters still fighting; indications ov wind;
counterfeit Tens in circulashun on the Faro Bank; look out for them;
milk only 15 cents a quart; thank the Lord, "the good time," has
finally come; Don Quixot fights his first wind mill, 1510, at short
range, and got whipped the second round; time 14 minnits.
9:30 P.M.--Torch-lite procession at Red Bank, in honor ov the winning
rooster.
_Wednesday, 12th._--Sum wind, with wet showers; showers smell strong ov
dandylions and grass; gold 132 17-16; exchange on Brooklin and
Williamsburgh, one cent (by the ferry boats.)
_Thursday. 13th._--Bad day for the alminak bissiness; no nuze, no wind;
no cards; no nothing.
_Friday, 14th._--Wendal Phillips tares up the constitushun ov the
United States; "alas! poor Yorick;" rain from abuv; strawberries,
watermillions and peaches, gitting skase; rain continners, accompanied
with thunder and slight moister; mercury abuv zero.
_Saturday, 15th._--Grate fraud diskovered in the custom house--3
dollars missing; fifty subordinates suspended; a wet rain sets in;
robbins cum, and immediately begin tew enquire for sum cherrys.
_Sunday, 16th._--Henry W. Beecher preaches in Brooklyn by partickular
request; dandylions in market only 15 cents a head.
_Monday, 17th._--Plant sum beans; plant them deep; if yu don't they
will be sure tew cum up. Robinson Cruso born 1515, all alone, on a
destitute iland. Warm rain, mixt with wind; woodchucks cum out ov their
holes and begin tew chuck a little.
_Tuesday, 18th._--Look out for rain and yu will be apt tew see it; wind
sow bi sow west; ice discovered in our Rushion purchiss; miners rushing
that way; geese are seen marching in single phile, a sure indicashun ov
the cholera; musketose invented by George Tucker, Esq., 1491; patent
applied for but refused, on the ground that they might bight sumboddy.
_Wensday, 19th._--A mare's nest discovered in Ontary county; a warm and
slightly liquid rain; thousands ov people hav visited the nest; windy;
the old mare is dredfull cross and kickful; hens average an egg a day,
beside several cackels.
_Thursday, 20th._--Appearance ov rain; plant corn for early whiskey;
frogs hold their fust concert--Ole Bullfrog musical direcktor--matinee
every afternoon; snakes are caught wriggling (an old trick ov theirs);
a warm and muggy night; yu can hear the bullheads bark; United States
buys the iland ov Great Brittain.
LXXII.
SUM NATRAL HISTORY.
"THE CLAM."--The claim iz a bulbous plant, and resides on the under
side ov the water. He iz born az the birds are, but don't cum out ov
his shell. He iz deserted by his parents, at a young and tender age,
but don't bekum clamarous on this akount, but sits still, and keeps
watch with hiz mouth, for sumthin tew cum along.
Hiz temper iz sed tew be cold, and clammy, but he must have a relish
for sumthing, for hiz mouth waters aul the time. He iz the life ov the
kompany at a clam-bake, and sumtimes may be seen sunning a half bushell
ov himself, in front ov a grocery, and quite often 13 ov them, under
the temporarious excitement ov salt and peppersas, hav bin known tew
peal, and pitch into a man belo the belt, and kick up-a devil ov a muss
with him.
The clam and the oyster are cuzzins, but the oyster haz the best
edukashun ov the two; their habits are simlar, but thare iz a grate
diffrence in the thickness ov their skulls, and in the softness ov
their brains; the oyster would shine az a poet, in the collums of the
monthly * * * * *, while the clam might do the fish market report for
the New York daily * * * * *.
Thare iz nothing more docile than the clam, and altho they sumtimes git
into a stew, they are az eazy tew lay yure hand on, and ketch, az a
stun, but they are like an injun, not very talky; they hav got an
impediment in their noize; their lips open with too much titeness, and
their mouth iz tew full ov tongue tew be glib.
Thare iz az mutch diffrence in the breed ov clams, az thare iz in the
breed ov christians; sum are so tender; and sum are so tuff,--sum are
good on the half shell, at a minnitt's notis, and sum want az mutch
biling az a hoss shu, and then will stand a good deal ov chawing
besides.
Clams were fust diskovered, az the meazles waz, by being caught. How
long a clam kan live I don't beleaf they kan tell themselfs, probably 5
thousand years, but a large share ov this time iz wasted; a clam's time
aint worth mutch, only tew grow tuff in; it is jiss so with sum other
folks I kno ov.
* * * * *
"THE CRAB."--Natur is fond ov a joke.
She must have felt full ov fun, when she made a soft shell crab. The
strongest emotion the crab haz iz tew bite. They aint afrade tew bite a
sawlog, or a black bear. They are born in the water, but they kan live
out doors on the land as long az they kan find ennything tew bite.
They hav several leggs, which are aul lokated on the starboard side ov
their person. Crabs liv under cover, like the mud turtles, but they
move evry fust ov May, into a new one.
They are sed tew be good eating, but you wouldn't think so tew stand
and look at them; it would bother a stranger tew tell where tew begin;
it would be a good deal like trying tew make a sudden dinner out ov a
kross kut saw.
They are biled in a pot, about 3 bushels ov them, until they stop
biting, and then they are done, and are et by throwing away the boddy,
and sucking the pith out ov the limbs. It is a good deal like trieng
tew get the meat out ov a grasshopper's leggs. It is considered a good
day's work to git one dinner out of biled crabs; I think perhaps a
person mite sustane life on them, but he would hav tew work nite and
day to do it, and keep a smart man biling crabs aul the time. Crabs
bite with their feet, and hang on like a country couzin.
LXXIII.
MONOGRAFFS.
THE INQUISITIVE MAN.
Thare iz no commerce which men and wimmin indulge in, that haz so much
plezure in it, and at the same time iz subjeckt tew such peculiaritys
and abuses, az askin questions.
I hav seen people who could ask questions awl day long, and not looze
enny flesh.
Theze kind are like 2 inch augers--espeshilly ordained.
They don't seem tew have enny difinite objeckt in view, and therefore
seldum git satisfied, but if they ever do git satisfied, they are then
awl reddy to begin agin.
They are something like the festiff-muskeeter, they kan liv on nothing,
if it iz necessary, but they don't like tew be idle, and the best way
to drive them oph, iz tew let them settle, and git full.
The inquisitive man don't seem tew be aktuated by maliss, or envy; he
iz only dry, and asking questions iz the only thing that will wet hiz
drouth.
They most alwus live tew a good old age, and often die ritch and even
virtuous, but never satisfied; yu might az well undertake tew blow up a
shad net with wind, az tew fill a genuine quidnunker with nuze.
* * * * *
THE LAZY MAN.
Self-preservashun iz the fust law ov natur, and laziness iz the sekund.
Laziness iz a kind ov moral dispepshee, or a species of virtuous gout.
It iz just az natral for a man tew be lazy, az it iz tew be born.
I never knu a lazy man tew really want ennything, wanting things iz
just what spiles a man for laziness. Awl kinds ov laber requires an
insentive; thare aint but now and then a man who is anxious tew saw dri
hickory wood twice in 2 awl day long jist for fun.
Even boys hav tew be larnt how tew work, just az a dorg haz tew be
lernt how to churn butter, and i hav known dorgs, after they had got
well lernt, to hide under the barn churning days.
If laber iz a cuss, it strikes me that laziness must be a blessing.
Bees are alwus quoted az patterns ov industry, but bees don't lay up
enny hunny in those kuntrys whare the flowers bloom the year round.
But i am not in favour ov laziness, and don't recommend it, even if it
iz natral, enny more than i would recommend murder, bekauze the fust
man that waz born into the wurld saw fit tew kill the seckund one
naturally.
I hav alwus looked upon a lazy man az a kind ov natral pirate, who
lives upon the oats ov others, and don't think he haz enny more right
tew live and be lazy than a snake haz.
In conclusion, laziness iz like red hair, the only way tew cure it iz
to die.
I forgot to say that the lazyest man I ever knu lived a little
southeast ov Dunkirk; he waz too lazy to pay hiz honest dets, or even
wipe hiz noze, and so he let them both run.
THE PERFEKT MAN.
It is hard work tew be perfeckt, and yet thare is menny who reach
perfekshun with fust rate skill.
Thare seems to be 2 kinds ov worldly perfekshun; one kind is very mutch
like a squash; if it is good, it is good bekause it kant help it.
I alwus envy this kind, they don't hav enny intestine fights with
themselfs; they are like an eight day clock, don't want winding up but
onst a week.
Their morality is like the Eolian harp; even an east wind will play a
pleasant tune upon it.
The other kind ov perfektion belongs tew those folks who kno they are
perfekt, these kind ov perfectioners travel on their muscle, and
wouldn't be afrade tew fight the Devil for 200 dollars a side.
Whenever yu find a man who is natrally perfekt, yu will find one who
either never haz been temted or who haint got enny thing worth
tempting. And whenever you find a man who sez he is perfekt, yu find
one who want swatching az much az a buzz saw duz. Theze 2 kinds ov
moral perfectioners are the only ones i kno ov in this wurld; we kan
awl ov us imagine, and even hanker, for sumthing better than either ov
theze, but perfekshun is not earthy, it roosts near the skeys.
THE FAULT-FINDING MAN.
Good Lord deliver us! Good Lord deliver us now this minnit! from the
fault-finding man.
One ov yure wheezing cusses, i mean.
These kind ov humin critters are alwus full ov natral flesh; evry boddy
iz wrong but they grab thissells, whare other folks gather figs. If
they enjoy enny thing they do it under a kind ov protest, and if enny
body else enjoys enny thing, they are reddy tew bet 10 dollars, they
lie about it.
I pitty these poor fellers, more than i do a lost dorg.
Their happiness seems tew be alwus drawn from the top ov their misery.
Rather than not be able tew find enny fault, they wouldn't hezitate tew
say tew an angle-worm, that his tail was altogether too long for the
rest of his boddy.
They keep up a kind ov running fight, all their lives, with evry thing
they cum across, but seldum ever win a battle; they are like a
second-rate bull terrier, alwus a fighting and alwus a gitting licked.
LXXIV.
JOSH DOES UP HIS CORRESPONDENCE.
"_Bushrod._"--I got yure faver bi this morning's mail, and taking oph
mi cut, and rooling up mi sleeves, and spitting on mi hands, repli az
follers:
If yu have got plenty ov brains, and no money, Nu York citty iz a good
place tew cum to, but if yu hav got plenty ov money, and no brains,
stay right whare yu are, and keep in the house most always.
A ritch phool, in this citty, iz soon smelt out, and then don't last
enny longer than a nuzeboy's brekfast.
If you haint got enny money, nor enny brains, steal a cow, the fust
good chance yu kan git, and live quietly on the milk.
"_Deacon._"'--Yure question iz too big; i kant tell which i think iz
the most preacher, Chapin or Beecher.
They kan, either ov them, preach the gospel up a heavier grade than
enny men i kno ov, in North Amerika, including our rushing possessions.
Sum folks think that religion consists in preaching the gospel thru
yure noze, and that piety iz a kind ov moral jandies, but i don't; i
beleave the Lord iz not angry at a lively christian, provided he iz
level, and duz bizz square, after dark.
Sum people are down on sensashun preachers, but i aint. Paul waz a
sensashioner ov the best brand, and i kno ov lots ov places now, whare
a man could preach the gospel, with one hand on hiz revolver, and do a
good bizzness.
The world iz choked up with human beings, who hav either got tew be
skared or drove into heaven, if they ever git thare.
I kan imagine that it iz hard work for a man, with a head full ov
lightning, not tew flash once in a while, but lightning don't skare me;
I had rather be struk with it, than tew be strangled with sawdust.
Thare iz plenty of churches in the United States left, whare yu kan
have religion measured out to yu by the small meazure, and whare piety
sits like an owl on its roost. If yu are afrade ov lightning, tend one
ov theze.
I have sot under dull and under lively preeching, and i say, (if thare
iz enny to spare,) give me the lively.
"_Molly._"--Street dresses are worn here almost unanimously; in fackt,
it iz impossibel tew see enny kind ov a femail in the streets without
sum kind of a dress on--i mean street dress.
They are made in the shape ov a dinner-bell, and fit just about az
tight.
Waterfalls are a peg higher than they waz, and soon will be worn on the
top ov the hed, like a rooster's comb.
Hoop skirts are close-reefed, and tilters are on their last leggs.
Kid gloves are the rage in lavender; the more lavender the better, and
the hair eddys in front, like a nest ov yung whirlpools just hatched
out, and drops down behind from the waterfall in one link a foot long,
about the size ov a rope, with the pucker coming out ov it.
"_Barney_"--I received the rat tarrier yu sent me by the Merchants'
Union Express, last evening, and gave him a quart ov milk for hiz tea.
He pocketed the milk, and wagged for sum more; it made him stick out
like a false caff.
He slept sound last night, and hasn't waked up yet, altho it iz now 10
o'clock this morning.
I have stopped writing tew tickle hiz nose with a pin, and he iz now
rushing things around the room for sum rats.
He haz just tipped over a Chinese god, worth 8 dollars, and broke him,
he will git rats when mi wife cums in.
He kant find enny rats, and is now chawing oph mi little boy's toe--to
hiz shoe.
He iz now crazy for rats agin, and will smash the other vase agin, I'll
bet.
Thare goes the other vase, bi thunder! all tew powder.
He iz now out ov wind, and iz running hiz tung out and in.
He wants tew go out doors for sumthing, and i hav let him went.
He haz just found a poor little boy in the street, whom he knows, and
the boy seems tew know him, and they hav gone round the next block, on
a run, together, tew see sumthing.
He don't seem tew cum back!
It iz now to-morrow, and the tarrier don't seem tew cum back.
My wife iz glad ov it.
I am out 2 vases, a quart of nu milk, and one tarrier.
My wife sez, if i ever buy another rat pup, she will put him tew
immediate soak in the cistern at onst.
Mi wife iz one ov them kind ov wimmin that don't make enny statements
unless they are true, so yu needn't send me enny more tarrier.
LXXV.
CUPID ON A RAID.
It iz real singular what a man-killer and a woman killer the god Cupid
iz for one ov hiz heft.
He iz piktured out on paper about the size of a four-year old fat boy
baby, with a pair of wings about az large as a boss butterfly's, and iz
armed with a bow and arrows, that might possibly answer tew kill
bumbelbees at four paces.
This little fellow haz bagged more game with hiz wooden shuteing irons
than aul the powder and shot that ever haz been built can brag ov.
I suppoze that it is generally known that he shutes from under cover,
at both long and short range, and never iz seen himself.
He haz in hiz quiver innumerable arrows, sum few ov them dipped in
genuine love, and feathered with good sense, but most ov them would
seem too trifling tew be at all dangerous if I hadn't, with mi own
eyes, noticed him at work with them, both at male and female game, both
sitting and flieing, and seen the many ded shots he haz made.
I have been at sum pains for the last tew seazons tew watch hiz
manoovers, whare I have happened tew be, and the following reckord iz a
faithful history of this little chap's bloody bizz:
--> Ben Slocum, aged 19 years, weight about 190 pounds, and a good
eater, at work by the month for Farmer Brown, hoeing corn, received hiz
death wound from a garter belonging to Rachel Tucker, Brown's hired
girl, as the said Tucker waz learning tew jump the rope down in the
garden.
--> Kate Freelove, youngest daughter of I. S. Freelove, Esq., who could
play big on the pianner, and had studied Latin one quarter, waz shot
thru and thru by a paper ov Stuart's mixed candys that Frank Fever sent
her.
--> John Davis got his mutton cooked bi a spit-curl that waz dangling
on Angeline Brown's forehead.
--> Bill Weatherby, a dry goods clerk, died suddenly bi gitting in
range ov one ov Roxy Mathew's sweetest smiles, darted acrost the
counter.
--> Sally Munson disseased without a struggle. Cause--Dick Fenton's No.
7 patent leather boots, and Californy soltaire.
--> Master David Mentor, aged 12 years, departed this life at a
district school-house while sharpening little Libby Sherman's slate
pensil.
--> Sam Benson, butcher, wounded with a hoop skirt, got better, then
was struck plumb dead by a false calf, in the Bowery.
--> Lawrence Peters, aged 60, and for 30 years a consistent bachelor,
lived only an hour, in grate agony, atfer eating warm apple pies at
Widow Stebbins's.
--> Matt Marshall, worth 250 thousand in 7-30's, waz give up for ded,
the arrow passing direktly thru hiz heart, from Maggie Morse's tucker,
but recovered instantly upon learning that Maggie's father waz only
worth 75 thousand.
--> Frank Hunter, maimed for life by a black balmoral with an orange
stripe in it.
--> Tabitha Spencer, slightly tuff, had been shot at a hundred times,
and always mist, waz finally fetched by the Rev. Furbush, in his grate
act, reading the 146th hymn, common meter.
--> Seth Perkins, tailor, waz slain, goose in hand, by a pucker in the
eye ov Hanner Hemstich's cambric needle.
--> Matilda Alabaster Jones, caught her death by a squeeze from the
hand of Fitzherbert Augustus Boliver, only son ov Duke Mose Boliver.
This squeeze took place last Friday.
--> Jack Tindar, killed instantly at Saratoger, on the 15th ov last
August, by four shots at once, from the eyes ov Jane Smirk, and her
cuzzin Tildy.
--> Spencer Richards was wantonly murdered by a chance shot, in a
crowd, from an opera glass.
LXXVI.
JOSH COMMUNES WITH HIS FRIENDS.
Dear Joe--Your letter came by the last mail and brought with it menny
thoughts ov that sunny time when yu and I waz boys, and slid down hill
together. Yu ask for mi advise upon a topick which iz always a delikate
one for a third party to mix in with; but yu are aware that I am not
very delikate, and don't hesitate tew launch mi opinion, espeshily when
invited to do it. I consider advise generally wasted, and most sure to
be when given upon the matter in question, but i hav a large stock ov
it on hand, and shan't miss what i devote to you.
By awl means, Joe, git married, if yu hav got a fair show. Don't stand
shivvering on the bank; but pitch in and stick yure head under, and the
shiver iz awl over. Thare aint enny more trick in gitting marrid, after
yu are ready, than there iz in eating peanuts. Menny a man haz stood
shivvering on the shore till the river haz awl run out. Don't expect
tew marry an angel; the angels hav awl been picked up long ago.
Remember, Joe, yu aint a saint yureself. Don't marry for buty
excloosively; buty iz like ice, awful slippery, and thaws dredful eazy.
Don't marry for garments; dry goods are uncommon deceptibus; they are
like the feathers on a blue-jay--pick oph the feathers, and thare aint
nothing left. Don't marry for munny; munny may make yu respectabel, but
kan't make you honnest nor happy. Don't marry excloosively for luv
neither; luv iz like a cooking-stove, good for nothing when the fuel
gives out. But marry a mixtur. Let the mixtur be: sum buty, becumingly
dressed, with about 225 dollars in her pocket; a good speller, handy
and neat in the house, plenty ov good sense, a tuff constitution and
by-laws, small feet, and a light stepper; add tew this, clean teeth,
and a warm heart; the whole tew be well shaken before taken. This
mixtur will keep in enny climate, and not evaporate. If the cork
happens tew be left out for two or three minutes, the strength aint awl
gone.
Joe, for heaven's sake don't marry for pedigree; thare aint much in
pedigree, unless it iz backed up bi bank stock; a family, with nothing
but pedigree, generally lacks sense; they are like a kight with tew
much tail; if they would only take oph sum ov the tail, they mite
possibly git up, but they are always tew illustrious to take off any
tail.
Let me hear from yu again, Joe, soon.
But mi dear fellow, don't be afrade; wedlok iz az natral az milk, but
in course thare iz sum difference in milk about highsting cream, but
there iz one thing that don't vary, and that iz awl milk tew have the
cream rize good, and keep sweet, must be kept in a cool place, not be
rousted up tew often.
Don't be an olde bachelor; lonesum, and selfish, crawling out ov yure
hole, in the morning, like a shiny backed beetle, and then backing into
it again, late every night, suspicious, and suspected.
I would az soon be a stuffed rooster, set up in a show window, or a tin
weather cock, on the ridge-pole of a female seminary, az a lonesum
bachelor, jeered at by awl the virginity ov the land.
_Jeremiah._--Don't confuse learning and wisdum; thare iz jist az mutch
diffrence between them az thare iz between fruit that iz raized in a
hott-house and that which ripens out doors, smiled upon bi the sun, and
shook up by the wind and the storm.
When the two hitch up together, they are a bully team.
Wisdum, being natrally the stoughtest, takes learning up in its arms,
and learning points out the shortest road tew take; they work together
handy az a pair ov twin oxen.
If a man kant hav but one, he better hav the wisdum, for wisdum iz
alwus fatt with good sense, and kan alwus uze its strength; while
learning must hav just sich a spot tew work in, and jist sich a way tew
do it.
Wisdum iz a giant, whoze strength makes him respekted, while learning
iz a pigmy, whoze knowledge makes him feared.
But, Jeremiah, thare kan be a good deal sed for both ov them.
Wisdum grows stout by thinking, and learning gits fat by studdy.
Wisdum iz ov the natur ov genius, while learning iz ov the natur ov
tallent.
But, Jeremiah, these subjects are too full ov logick for you and me tew
phool with. We had better spend our loose moments in finding out the
best way tew raize beans, and the best market tew take them to.
P.S.--I forgot to say that thare iz four hundred times az mutch
learning in the world as thare iz wisdum.
And also, a man may hav a grate deal ov learning, and not know mutch,
just as he may have a grate deal ov strength, and not know the best
holts.
LXXVII.
JAW BONES.
Genius iz like a hop vine; it will run, and spread, enny how, and hav a
whole lot ov wild hops on it, but tew be a good krop, it must be poled,
and cut back, and suckered.
_Precept_ iz a buck saw--_experience_ the elbo grease that runs the
cussid instrument.
Don't talk tew much, Jessie; one half the wisdum ov this world consists
in not saying ennything.
Thare iz nothing more dangerous tew most men than praize; it iz like
filling them up with gunpowder, and then tutching them oph.
Patience, if it iz merely constitushional, don't appear tew me to be
enny more ov a virtue than kold feet are.
LXXVIII.
MORE PHILOSOPHY.
THE SUSPICIOUS MAN.
Suspicion, a little ov it, iz almost az good az wisdum, but it iz one
ov them kind ov disseazes that men aint apt tew hav small. It iz like
the meazles--if they have it they hav it aul over.
A suspicious man iz most alwus a cunning man; and a cunning man iz
generally a rogue.
What the happiness ov a suspicious man consists in i never could tell.
It certainly aint in friendship, for he iz afraid tew trust hiz own
brother; it kant be in conversashun, for he beleaves evry man lies; nor
in affection, for he looks upon the artlessness, even ov children, as
the germs ov fraud.
If a man iz born with this trait, it iz alwus the stoughtest one he haz
got, and about the only one; for suspicions iz like sheep sorrell, a
vinegary weed, that runs evry generous plant out ov the soil.
If a man learns tew be suspicious, it only proves that he haz been tew
bad schools, where not mutch of ennything else waz taught.
Noboddy but a phool would lay aside all kaution and undertake tew go
thru this world without enny linch-pin; but noboddy but a rogue would
learn enny more suspicion than he was aktually obliged to.
Prudence and kaution are the simple children ov wisdum; but suspicion
iz either a bastard, got by Deceit, upon the person of Ignorance, or
else it iz the legitimate baby ov parents who hav studdied kaution, not
tew protekt themselves, but tew be able tew cheat sumboddy else aul the
eazier.
THE WISE MAN.
Wisdum is a six-hoss team, with a karfull driver on the box. Yea! a
wize man iz an iron-klad elephant chawing hiz cud.
But this wurld is full ov wisdum that never cums out ov its hole; that
always roosts on the top limbs ov a tree and hoots at the wayfairing
man, but kant show him the way out ov the wilderness.
These kind ov wise men are like old gideboards at the crotch ov the
roads with the lettering aul washed oph--wooden prophets, wus than no
news.
Wisdum is made out ov faith and virtew and truth seasoned with toil and
experience, and scented with modesty. This kind ov wisdum is full as
glorious as it is skase.
But experience, without doubt, is the boss skool-master ov wurdly
wisdum. He is the one who taught Adam and his wife their fust lesson,
and he haint never bin out ov a job since. His skool keeps aul day
Saturday, and Sundays too, and has but one vakation in it, and that is
when aul hands are asleep.
But say what yu will, wisdum is a rare bird ennyhow. Thare is lots ov
folks that kan show yu the mule that kicked them last, but it takes one
ov yure klassikal skollars, one ov yure blooded wisdumers, tew point
out the mule that iz a going tew kick next.
Buy wisdum, mi friends, whenever it is in market, for she is a harp ov
1200 strings.
THE EFFEMINATE MAN.
The effeminate man is a weak poultiss.
He is a kross between root beer and ginger pop with the cork left out
ov the bottle over night.
He is a fresh water mermaid lost in a cow pastur, with his hands filled
with dandylions.
He is a tea-kup full of whipped sillybub--a kitten in pantylets--a sick
monkey with a blonde mustash.
He is a vine without enny tendrills--a fly drowned in sweet ile--a
paper kite in a ded calm.
He lives as the butterflise do--noboddy kan tell whi. He is as harmless
as a cent's wuth ov spruce gum, and as useless as a shirt button
without enny button-hole.
He is as lazy as a bread-pill, and has no more hope than a last year's
grasshopper.
He is a man without enny gaul, and a woman without enny gissard.
He goes thru life on his tiptose, and dies like colone water spilt on
the ground.
*** End of this LibraryBlog Digital Book "Josh Billings on Ice - And Other Things" ***
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