Title: The Templeton Teapot - A Farce in One Act
Author: Strong, Grace Cooke
Language: English
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    possible. Some changes have been made. They are listed at the end of
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                          NO PLAYS EXCHANGED.

                        BAKER'S EDITION OF PLAYS

                          The Templeton Teapot

                            Price, 15 Cents

                         WALTER H. BAKER & CO.
                                 BOSTON

               COPYRIGHT, 1889, BY WALTER H. BAKER & CO.



A. W. Pinero's Plays

Price, 50 Cents Each


=THE AMAZONS= Farce in Three Acts. Seven males, five females. Costumes,
modern; scenery, not difficult. Plays a full evening.

=THE CABINET MINISTER= Farce in Four Acts. Ten males, nine females.
Costumes, modern society; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full
evening.

=DANDY DICK= Farce in Three Acts. Seven males, four females. Costumes,
modern; scenery, two interiors. Plays two hours and a half.

=THE GAY LORD QUEX= Comedy in Four Acts. Four males, ten females.
Costumes, modern; scenery, two interiors and an exterior. Plays a full
evening.

=HIS HOUSE IN ORDER= Comedy in Four Acts. Nine males, four females.
Costumes, modern; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening.

=THE HOBBY HORSE= Comedy in Three Acts. Ten males, five females.
Costumes, modern; scenery easy. Plays two hours and a half.

=IRIS= Drama in Five Acts. Seven males, seven females. Costumes, modern;
scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening.

=LADY BOUNTIFUL= Play in Four Acts. Eight males, seven females.
Costumes, modern; scenery, four interiors, not easy. Plays a full
evening.

=LETTY= Drama in Four Acts and an Epilogue. Ten males, five females.
Costumes, modern; scenery complicated. Plays a full evening.

=THE MAGISTRATE= Farce in Three Acts. Twelve males, four females.
Costumes, modern; scenery, all interior. Plays two hours and a half.


                  Sent prepaid on receipt of price by

                       Walter H. Baker & Company
              No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts



                          The Templeton Teapot

                           A Farce In One Act

                                   By
                           GRACE COOKE STRONG
                  _Author of "Marrying Belinda," etc._

                                 BOSTON
                         WALTER H. BAKER & CO.
                                  1912



The Templeton Teapot



CHARACTERS


    HORACE TEMPLETON, _a collector of antiques_.
    PROF. ALGERNON GATES, _bashful but persistent_.
    LEON BURNETT, _a neighbor of the Templetons'_.
    ERIC DEAN, _Burnett's brother-in-law_.
    MRS. TEMPLETON, _Templeton's wife_.
    HILDA, _his daughter_.
    SUE, _his spinster sister_.
    FANNY BURNETT, _Burnett's wife_.

TIME:--Summer evening of present year.


[Illustration]

COPYRIGHT, 1912, BY WALTER H. BAKER & CO.



The Templeton Teapot


 SCENE.--_Library in the Templeton home, a comfortable old-fashioned
   room, reflecting its owner's love for the antique. A door at R. leads
   into the hall; another door L., opens into an adjoining room. For
   furniture, a large desk strewn with books and papers, several easy
   chairs, and shelves containing books. The room is decorated with
   pieces of old china, dignified candlesticks, and various
   old-fashioned articles. In a prominent position on the mantel is a
   quaint silver teapot._

   (_As the curtain rises, MR. HORACE TEMPLETON is seated at his desk
     writing, surrounded by several ponderous reference books. MRS.
     TEMPLETON enters L., carrying a large basket packed with cast-off
     clothing_.)

MRS. T. (_setting basket on floor near door R._). Hilda! (_Goes to L._)
Hilda! Horace, have you seen----? (_In despair._) Oh, it's of no use.
Sue! (_Enter SUE, L._) Sue, have you seen anything of Hilda?

SUE. She came in here after dinner.

MRS. T. (_looking out R._). She must have gone out, for her wraps are
not in the hall. How unfortunate!

SUE. She will be at home presently. (_Looks at basket._) I wouldn't
leave that basket there, Celia. If--if Professor Gates should happen to
call this evening he would surely stumble over it; the dear man is so
near-sighted.

MRS. T. (_moving basket from door_). It's only a few things that I've
collected for poor Mrs. McLaffety. She's to send her boy for them. Did
Professor Gates tell you that he was coming this evening?

SUE (_moving about nervously_). Why, no--doesn't he usually call on
Tuesday evenings?

MRS. T. (_sitting down_). Yes; and on Wednesday evenings and Thursday
evenings and Friday--I declare, I'm so worried about Hilda that I can't
keep track of anything.

SUE (_in surprise_). Hilda?

MRS. T. Yes, Hilda. For weeks she has not been herself. I know that she
has something on her mind, but I can't find out what it is. Her father
is no help----(_Sound of door-bell._) I'm sure that's the evening paper;
will you kindly get it, Sue? (_Exit SUE, R. MRS. T. rises hurriedly and
goes to desk_.) Horace. (_Pause._) Horace!

MR. T. (_without looking up_). Yes, yes.

MRS. T. (_in exasperation_). Will you give me your attention one moment?

MR. T. (_impatiently pushing aside his work_). Celia, how many times
must I tell you that I'm preparing an article for the press, entitled,
"The Philosophy of our Forefathers as Revealed by their Kitchen
Utensils," and that I cannot endure this constant interruption?
(_Resumes work._)

MRS. T. You shall listen to me. Do you ever wonder at the increasing
frequency with which Professor Gates calls here?

MR. T. (_impatiently_). Well, Gates is a good fellow--fine family--most
distinguished--that sort of thing.

MRS. T. Very true, and moreover, he is in love with Hilda.

MR. T. Nonsense! He's twice her age.

MRS. T. That doesn't matter. Hilda is old for her years; besides, she's
in love with him.

MR. T. You must be mistaken.

MRS. T. (_emphatically_). I am not. Didn't you hear me telling Sue that
Hilda is unhappy, moody, incomprehensible? Those are symptoms--trust me.

MR. T. Well?

MRS. T. I'm trying to determine your attitude toward this marriage.

      (_SUE appears unnoticed in door R., the paper in her hand_.)

MR. T. (_irritably_). You speak as if it were a settled thing.

MRS. T. It is--practically.

MR. T. Well, all I have to say is, if Professor Gates marries Hilda,
they shall have the teapot.

               (_Resumes work. SUE gives a little cry_.)

MRS. T. (_turning violently_). Sue, you frightened me.

SUE. You were speaking of Hilda's marriage?

                 (_Lays newspaper on desk. Sits down._)

MRS. T. Yes; we have the prospect of seeing her settled most
comfortably.

SUE (_in agitation_). I wouldn't--you mustn't--she's too young.

MRS. T. (_sitting down and picking up the newspaper_). Not at all.
(_Glances through paper._) Of course, since you've never married, you
naturally think---- (_Springs from her chair._) For heaven's sake,
Horace, the Wentworths were robbed last night of a thousand dollars'
worth of silver!

MR. T. (_rising hastily and seizing paper_). It can't be possible. Let
me see!

MRS. T. (_weakly_). Burglars!

SUE. It's the third robbery on this street within a week!

MR. T. (_gloomily_). We shall be the next victims, I am confident. Oh,
why have I not carried the teapot to the safe deposit vault?

MRS. T. (_indignantly_). The teapot? I think that we have other articles
quite as valuable as the teapot.

MR. T. (_pacing the floor in great agitation_). Celia, are you crazy?
Consider that teapot, which graced the tables of the English nobility in
the seventeenth century when tea was first introduced into Europe, which
passed into the hands of the Puritans in Cromwell's time, and was
brought to this country in 1680, and which has been in our family for
over two hundred years! Why, it's worth its weight ten times over in
gold! (_Picks up teapot and examines it lovingly._)

MRS. T. I'm sure that no burglar would ever want it. My rings are
another matter.

SUE. We'll have to sit up all night.

MR. T. (_replacing teapot on mantel_). This shall not stay in the house
another day. Fool that I have been to keep it so long.

MRS. T. I'm more anxious about Hilda--out we know not where, and bandits
on every corner. (_Noise without._) Ah, here she is now. (_Enter R.,
HILDA and PROF. ALGERNON GATES in street costumes, the latter
perceptibly agitated_.) Hilda, I'm so relieved that you have come.
Good-evening, Professor.

PROF. G. (_bowing nervously to every one_). Good-evening. Oh, my dear
Mrs. Templeton, such a painful experience for poor Miss Hilda!

MRS. T. What has happened?

MR. T. Some one please explain.

PROF. G. (_sinking into a chair near SUE_). A most horrible fright!
(_Mops his forehead._)

MRS. T. I command you, Hilda, to tell me where you have been.

HILDA (_excitedly removing her wraps and tossing them and her purse in
different parts of the room_). Such an adventure, mother. I was crossing
Elm Street in the shadow of the station, when a horrible man brushed
against me, and, before I could prevent him, grabbed my purse, and was
endeavoring to tear my watch from my waist----

MRS. T. Mercy on us, has the child been robbed?

HILDA. He would have gotten away in a moment, had not a tall gentleman
suddenly appeared from somewhere, who seized the ruffian and held him
until the officer that my screams had summoned arrived.

MRS. T. Then what did you do?

HILDA. The strange gentleman had just offered to escort me home, when we
met Professor Gates, who was kind enough to take me under his
protection.

MR. T. But your rescuer, child? To whom are you indebted?

HILDA. I was so excited that I quite forgot to ask his name.

PROF. G. An unpardonable oversight on our part, Mrs. Templeton.

MRS. T. That is unfortunate! The whole affair is most horrible.

HILDA. Horrible? I think it's splendid!

ALL. Splendid?

HILDA. It was an adventure. I'd never had one before; and, mother, he
was so handsome!

MRS. T. The robber?

HILDA. No, no, the man who caught him. He was so big and masterful--
quite the most attractive man that I have ever seen.

MRS. T. (_glancing apprehensively at PROF. G._). Hush, dear, hush. You
are all unstrung. You must lie down for a few moments. (_Draws HILDA
toward L._) You'll excuse us, Professor?

PROF. G. Certainly. (_Rises affably_). I trust that our dear young lady
will suffer no ill effects from this experience.

MRS. T. Sue, will you please bring Hilda's wraps?

 (_SUE rises and gathers up HILDA'S belongings. Exeunt MRS. T., HILDA
   and SUE, L. PROF. G. watches them from door._)

PROF. G. A most remarkable young woman--Miss Templeton--marvelous
self-control.

MR. T. (_sitting down at desk and looking longingly at his work_). True,
and a most alarming occurrence. Hilda shall not go out alone again.

PROF. G. (_moving about nervously_). You cannot be too careful. And now,
Mr. Templeton (_pausing by desk and clearing throat several times_),
there is something--in fact--I must explain--to be brief, I love Miss
Templeton. If it meets with your approval, I shall be most happy to make
her my wife.

MR. T. Well, well, Mrs. Templeton has hinted at this. But, my dear
Professor, have you thought of the disparity in ages?

PROF. G. (_delightedly_). Considering the marked congeniality of our
tastes, that is hardly worth mentioning.

MR. T. I fear she may prove reluctant----

PROF. G. (_beaming_). I have already ascertained her sentiments; she is
quite willing----

MR. T. (_rising and extending his hand_). Then I am most happy to
connect my family with one so esteemed and ancient as your own; and, as
a further mark of my approval, I shall present you on your wedding day
with the Templeton teapot----

PROF. G. (_nervously_). Why, my dear sir, you quite overwhelm me.

MR. T. As I have no sons, it is appropriate that you should own this
priceless heirloom (_taking teapot from mantel_) which, as you know,
belonged to the Duke of Birmingham when tea was first introduced into
England, passed into the hands of the Puritans in the time of Cromwell,
was brought to this country in---- (_Enter MR. LEON BURNETT, R._) Why,
good-evening, Burnett.

MR. B. Good-evening, good-evening, Professor. I've come over to get
you----

MR. T. (_pushing forward a chair_). Sit down, my friend.

MR. B. (_sitting down_). Haven't time, really. I just want you to come
over to inspect my new burglar alarm--my own invention--greatest device
of the century----

PROF. G. (_fidgeting about_). If you'll excuse me, I'll join the ladies.

MR. T. (_smiling significantly_). Certainly, certainly, Professor.

                                    [_Exit PROF. G., L., with alacrity._

MR. B. (_laughing_). Say, does he board over here?

MR. T. (_sitting down_). No, that is--it's a state secret, Burnett, but
you are like one of the family; Gates is going to marry Hilda.

MR. B. (_springing up in surprise_). No?

MR. T. Yes.

 (_HILDA appears in door L. and listens intently, unnoticed by the
   others._)

MR. B. He's too old.

MR. T. Oh, no, merely a dignified age for a girl so conservatively
reared as Hilda has been. She is much in advance of her years, I assure
you.

MR. B. (_pacing the floor thoughtfully_). I don't like it.

MR. T. I think it a most suitable match, and I am intending to present
the happy pair with my most precious heirloom--the Templeton teapot.

                         (_HILDA disappears._)

MR. B. (_sitting down_). Now, Fanny had always planned Hilda for
Eric--her brother, you know. By the way, we've just received a wire
saying that he was coming this evening. I don't know just what time to
expect him, for he comes and goes like a streak of lightning. I'll be
glad to bring him over and introduce him.

MR. T. Do, by all means. I know him well by reputation. His collection
of antiques is very valuable.

MR. B. Finest private collection in Massachusetts. Eric will hardly
leave it. He's never even been to see us since we moved here. But come
over to see my burglar alarm. I've just set it. It's going to
revolutionize the catching of burglars in this country.

               _Enter MRS. FANNY BURNETT, R., hurriedly._

MRS. B. Oh, Leon, Leon, the burglar alarm is going off! I am sure
there's a burglar in the pantry.

MR. B. We'll see about this. Come, Templeton.

         (_MR. T. takes a revolver from a drawer in the desk._)

MR. T. We'll catch him in the act!

                    [_Exeunt MR. T., MR. B. and MRS. B., R., hurriedly._

 _Enter HILDA, L., in street costume, carrying a letter and a suit-case.
   She places letter on desk, goes to door R., pauses irresolutely, then
   goes to desk, sits down and buries her face in her hands. Enter ERIC
   DEAN, R., with overcoat and suit-case. Drops both, and approaches
   HILDA softly._

DEAN. Who do you think----?

HILDA (_springing up with a little scream_). What--who----?

DEAN (_drawing back in confusion_). I--er--beg your pardon. (_Takes off
his hat._)

HILDA. Why, it's _you_!

DEAN. You?

HILDA. Don't tell me that you're a burglar. How dare you come here?

DEAN (_politely_). I'm not a burglar. My name is Dean--of Boston. I'm
Mrs. Burnett's brother. I thought this was her house, and, as the door
was open, I walked in. I took you for Fanny. (_Looks about._) I guess
I'm in the wrong place.

HILDA (_laughing_). Mrs. Burnett lives next door. Mr. Dean, I've often
heard of you, and I'm glad to know you. (_Extends her hand._) Let me
thank you again for your promptness in rescuing me from that brute and
saving my money.

DEAN (_taking her hand_). It was my privilege. I wish that I might be
always near when you are in danger, Miss----

HILDA. Hilda Templeton.

DEAN (_in delight_). So you're Hilda. Fanny has often told me of you.
What a dear old-fashioned name!

HILDA (_bitterly_). Yes; everything about me is old-fashioned. I was
born in the Middle Ages, Mr. Dean.

DEAN. You hardly look it.

HILDA. But to-night ends it all. To-morrow I shall be free, free to do
as I please for the first time in my life.

DEAN (_looking at her suit-case_). You're not going just as I'm coming?
I'd hoped that we'd be such friends.

HILDA. I'm going to my cousin's in New York--to stay--forever, I guess.

DEAN (_anxiously_). What will you do there?

HILDA (_with enthusiasm_). Something worth while. I'll be an actress, or
a settlement-worker, or a suffragette--I don't care what.

DEAN. And your parents?

HILDA. Hush! They do not know that I'm going. (_Goes to door L. and
listens, tiptoes back. Speaks hurriedly._) My father is a collector of
antiques. I've been brought up in the stifled atmosphere of tradition.
I've never had anything that wasn't at least a thousand years old, or a
friend that didn't belong to a family as ancient as that of Noah. I'm
sick of it----

DEAN. But, my dear girl, you can't----

HILDA (_excitedly_). Listen! Now father is planning to marry me to a man
twice my age, who cares nothing for me, except as a means of acquiring
the teapot--that is, all that the teapot stands for: a family-tree,
prestige, that sort of thing.

DEAN (_incredulously_). The teapot?

HILDA. Don't you know about our teapot? (_Takes teapot from mantel._)
Here it is. (_Sarcastically._) It belonged to somebody when tea was
first introduced into Europe; it was seized by the Puritans under
Cromwell; it was brought to this country in 1680, and has been in our
family for over two centuries. It's what the teapot stands for that I'm
running away from.

DEAN (_taking the teapot and examining it with the eye of an expert_).
It's a beauty--rather a harmless looking object to drive one away from
home.

HILDA (_indignantly_). Don't you dare to make fun of me!

DEAN (_setting down teapot_). I was never more serious in my life.
Listen, Miss Templeton, if you will postpone your departure--just a
little--I will try to adjust matters. There are ways. Will you give me a
trial?

HILDA (_reluctantly_). I've been ready for days----

DEAN (_coming very near_). Will you?

HILDA. I've telegraphed my cousin----

DEAN (_taking her hand_). Will you?

HILDA (_taking teapot_). If you'll take this thing and carry it where
I'll never see it again, I'll not go--yet.

DEAN (_drawing back_). I can't----

HILDA. I won't stay in the house with it another day.

DEAN. But your father----

HILDA (_picking up her suit-case_). Very well. Please let me pass, Mr.
Dean.

DEAN (_desperately_). I'll take--anything--only don't go away. You
mustn't. (_Takes teapot._)

HILDA. Don't ever let me see it again. Hurry.

                        (_Moves toward door L._)

DEAN (_quickly_). After I've seen Fanny, may I come back?

HILDA. Yes, yes, only please go now. (_Sound of voices without door L.
HILDA draws back._) I mustn't let them see me like this--the suit-case.

DEAN. Come this way. (_Points to R._)

HILDA. I'll go to the summer-house and wait. (_Shyly._) Perhaps I may be
there a long time, Mr. Dean.

                                              [_Exit with suit-case, R._

DEAN (_looking after her_). Dear little girl! (_Shakes head at teapot._)
Now here's a quandary: how can I get you back to papa without offending
that divinity? Well, I can't let her go to New York. I'll think it over.

 (_Places overcoat over arm to conceal teapot. Exit, R., with suit-case.
   Noise without. Enter MR. T. with a revolver in one hand and dragging
   DEAN with the other._)

MR. T. Caught in the act! What does this mean? Put down that teapot.
(_DEAN obeys._) Set down the suit-case. (_DEAN obeys._) You show great
discrimination for a burglar. You know what is valuable.

DEAN. Sir, I am not----

MR. T. (_sarcastically_). You're not a burglar? You haven't robbed three
houses on this street within a week, I suppose?

DEAN. Let me explain----

MR. T. (_dragging him toward door L._). Keep your explanations for the
officers.

DEAN (_helplessly_). I assure you----

MR. T. (_pointing revolver at DEAN_). Silence! I need no advice, sir.

     (_Drags DEAN through door L. Sound of slamming door without._)

                 _Enter MRS. T., SUE, and PROF. G., L._

MRS. T. (_wringing her hands_). What has happened?

SUE. It's burglars!

PROF. G. (_picking up teapot and replacing it on mantel_). At least,
this is safe.

                  _Enter MR. T., L., smiling broadly._

MR. T. Congratulate me: I have caught a burglar in the very act of
carrying off the teapot, and I've locked him in the silver-closet!

SUE. The silver-closet?

MR. T. He can't get out.

MRS. T. (_sinking into a chair_). He can fill his pockets with my
spoons.

MR. T. The police will soon empty them. (_Goes to desk._) I must call up
the police station. Where is that telephone book? (_Picks up HILDA'S
letter._) What is this?

                           (_Opens letter._)

MRS. T. (_rising and going to desk_). Hilda's writing! How strange! Read
it, Horace; my nerves are all unstrung.

MR. T. (_reading_). "Dear Father: I am tired of living in the past and
being old fashioned and hearing about the teapot. I want to live for
myself and have friends that don't belong to the best families. I am
going to Cousin Anne's in New York; she will find me something to do
that will keep me busy and happy. Don't worry about me. With love,
Hilda."

MRS. T. Gone! My dear child! What will become of her? (_Sinks into a
chair._)

SUE (_wiping her eyes_). She has gone to New York alone--at night!
(_Cries audibly._)

PROF. G. (_trying to comfort SUE_). My dear Miss Templeton, do not let
your feelings overcome you.

MR. T. (_glaring at PROF. G._). Why doesn't some one do something?
Speak!

PROF. G. (_in embarrassment_). Why--er--this is most unfortunate!

MRS. T. (_indignantly_). Unfortunate? I should say as much. Horace, this
is your fault.

MR. T. That is true. I have been buried in my work and have neglected my
child.

SUE. If some one went to the station----

MRS. T. Why didn't we think of that before? Professor Gates, run to the
station. The train may not have gone.

PROF. G. (_humbly_). Of course, of course, delighted to be of use. Where
is my hat? (_SUE hands him his hat._) Thank you.

MRS. T. (_following PROF. G. to the door_). If you find her, use every
argument to induce her to return.

PROF. G. I'll do my best.

                                                             [_Exit, R._

MRS. T. If we cannot find Hilda to-night, Professor Gates shall go to
New York in the morning.

SUE (_sharply_). Why Professor Gates?

MRS. T. Under the circumstances, we must, out of consideration for his
feelings, allow him to make himself as useful as possible.

MR. T. This affair is most awkward.

MRS. T. I have a feeling that Hilda may not have gone; I'm going to
search the house.

                                                             [_Exit, L._

MR. T. Good heavens, Sue, we've forgotten the burglar!

SUE. He can't get away; you must telephone----

MR. T. (_flying around_). Where is the telephone book?

SUE. I'll find it.

                                             [_Exit, L. MR. T. follows._

 _Enter HILDA softly, R. Looks about cautiously. Sees teapot. Takes it
   and shakes it indignantly._

HILDA (_to herself_). There, I knew it! He didn't take it. He hasn't
even come out. (_Examines DEAN'S suit-case and overcoat._) He's in there
now telling father and making fun of me. The wretch! (_Stamps her
foot._) I might have known that I couldn't trust him. I'll go to New
York now anyway. (_Moves toward R., then comes back._) No, I'll stay out
in the summer-house and confront him with proof of his perfidy. (_Sees
basket._) I'll dispose of this teapot too. (_Hides teapot in basket of
old clothes._) Mrs. McLaffety may find it useful in making the morning
coffee. I'll never forgive Mr. Dean, never, never!

                                                  [_Exit, hurriedly, R._

 _Enter MR. T., L., with telephone book, followed by SUE and MRS. T.,
   the latter in tears._

MRS. T. She's really gone!

MR. T. (_searching the telephone book_). Why, I can't find----

                      _Enter MR. and MRS. B., R._

MRS. B. Why, of all things, Eric hasn't come. We can't understand it.
(_Looks about._) What is the matter?

MRS. T. (_embracing MRS. B._). Oh, Fanny, Hilda has gone to New York----

MR. T. There's a burglar in the silver-closet----

                       (_Drops telephone book._)

MRS. B. Mercy on us! A burglar!

MR. B. What does this mean?

MR. T. (_in great agitation_). A burglar was stealing the teapot, and I
locked him in the silver-closet; and Hilda has run away to Cousin
Anne's!

MR. B. (_irritably_). Somebody explain. What has a burglar to do with
Hilda?

MR. T. He knew the value of the teapot. It belonged to the Duke of----

MRS. T. Hilda was unhappy; she wanted to be like other girls. It's all
her father's fault. (_Bursts into tears._)

MRS. B. Do I understand that there is a burglar in this house?

MR. T. There is----

                          (_MRS. B. screams._)

SUE. Calm yourself, Fanny. My brother, with great presence of mind,
grappled with the thief, relieved him of his booty, and has locked him
in the silver-closet.

MR. B. Bravo! Have you sent for the police?

MR. T. (_picking up telephone book_). I was about to telephone, when we
found Hilda's note----

MRS. T. She's tired of antiques----

MR. T. I have burdened the poor child too much with my hobbies.

SUE. She's gone to Cousin Anne's.

MRS. T. And Professor Gates has gone after her.

MR. B. (_importantly_). Come, I think we'd better attend to that
burglar; he may escape.

MRS. B. (_hysterically_). It's the same one that set off our burglar
alarm. Leon said that the cat did it.

MR. B. That may be. (_Seizes telephone book._) I'll 'phone myself.
(_Starts for door R.; stumbles over DEAN'S suit-case._) What is this?

MR. T. The burglar's suit-case. Doubtless it is full of booty.

MRS. B. (_examining suit-case_). The burglar's? It's my brother's
suit-case. See, the name is on the tag, "Eric Dean." (_All look at
suit-case._) And his overcoat! Oh, my poor brother has been robbed and
murdered! (_Drops into a chair._)

MR. B. Bring along your revolver, Templeton; I'm going to take a look at
that burglar.

MRS. T. (_trying to restrain MR. T._). You'll both be murdered!

MR. T. (_pompously_). I'm not afraid.

       (_Exeunt MR. B. and MR. T., L. SUE listens at the door._)

MRS. B. They should not open that closet door until the police come.

MRS. T. (_putting her hands over her ears_). There'll be firing in a
minute.

SUE. They are bringing him in here!

       (_MRS. B. screams. All retreat to farther side of room._)

                  _Enter MR. T., MR. B., and DEAN, L._

MRS. B. (_running to DEAN and embracing him_). My dear brother, are you
alive?

MR. B. (_to DEAN_). Well, this is a fine position from which to rescue
you. (_Laughs._)

MRS. B. (_angrily to MR. T._). How dare you lock up my brother?

MRS. T. (_weakly_). Horace, what have you done?

MR. T. (_in great embarrassment_). There is some mistake; I am most
grieved. However, the fact remains that I caught this young man in the
act of stealthily removing my valuable teapot.

MRS. B. Alas, my poor brother has spent so much time over his old
antiques that he has lost his mind!

MR. T. I am ready to apologize to Mr. Dean as soon as he explains
his--rather singular appearance in my house.

MRS. B. Eric, did Mr. Templeton find you carrying off the teapot?

DEAN. Yes.

MRS. B. Have you no regard for your family? Why did you do this thing?

DEAN. I have nothing to say.

MRS. B. The poor boy is out of his mind. Leon, we must take him home.

MRS. T. He is as unfortunate as Hilda. Poor Hilda, gone from her
home----!

DEAN (_anxiously_). Do I understand that Miss Templeton has already gone
to New York?

MR. T. We've just found this letter----

MRS. T. How did you know?

DEAN (_quickly_). It was once my good fortune to render Miss Templeton a
slight service, in consequence of which I became aware of her plans. If
you'll excuse me for a moment, I think that I can find her in time to
persuade her from her purpose.

MRS. T. Then go, by all means!

MR. B. Eric, do you know what you are doing?

DEAN. Leave that to me.

                                                             [_Exit, R._

MRS. B. The boy is crazy; he has never seen Hilda in his life.

MR. B. But we couldn't cross him. They say it's dangerous.

MRS. T. If he brings back Hilda, I'll overlook everything.

MRS. B. (_haughtily_). Rest assured, Mrs. Templeton, that when my
brother comes to himself, he will make ample apology.

   _Enter DEAN and HILDA, R., the former carrying HILDA'S suit-case._

MRS. T. (_embracing HILDA_). My dear child, are you still with us? Where
have you been?

HILDA (_nervously_). Mr. Dean found me in the summer-house and persuaded
me to come in, mother. I don't want to go away, but I don't want to
marry----

MRS. T. There, there, child, say no more. Stay with your mother, and you
shall do exactly as you like. (_Sound of door-bell._) Sue, will you
kindly go to the door?

                                                         [_Exit SUE, R._

MRS. B. Oh, Eric, how did you know where to find her?

DEAN (_to HILDA_). Miss Templeton, will you kindly convince these people
that I am neither a burglar nor a lunatic?

HILDA. Mr. Dean saved me from that horrid man this evening, and to
reward him I gave him the teapot. He isn't to blame for anything.

                            _Enter SUE, R._

SUE (_picking up basket_). Mrs. McLaffety's boy has come after this.

MRS. T. Will you kindly hand it to him, Sue? (_Exit SUE, R., with
basket._) Mr. Dean, we are doubly indebted to you.

MR. T. (_shaking hands with DEAN_). I apologize most humbly; but you
must admit that appearances were against you.

MR. B. (_slapping DEAN on the back_). You've certainly distinguished
yourself, old fellow.

MRS. B. (_embracing DEAN_). And you're not crazy--not the least little
bit?

DEAN. I hope not.

MR. T. Mr. Dean, I know that you're a collector and lover of antiques.
In appreciation of your defense and restoration of my daughter, I should
be happy to present you with the teapot, had I not already promised it
to Professor Gates, who is to marry---- Why, it's gone!

           (_Looks frantically for teapot. All look about._)

                            _Enter SUE, R._

MRS. B. Oh, Eric, you haven't----

MR. T. Sue, where have you taken the teapot?

SUE. I didn't---- (_Noise without. All run to door R._) The burglars!

MR. T. They've got it after all!

MR. B. We'll catch them yet.

 _Enter PROF. G., R., hatless, very dusty and disheveled, grasping the
   teapot with both hands._

PROF. G. I couldn't find Miss Hilda, but I've saved it! (_Sees HILDA._)
Oh--what----

 (_Collapses into chair. SUE fans him with newspaper. MR. T. seizes
   teapot._)

MR. T. You've rescued the teapot!

MRS. B. Did you fight with the burglars?

MRS. T. The poor man has been handled most roughly.

MR. B. (_grasping MR. T.'s revolver_). Which way did the fellows go?

PROF. G. (_regaining breath_). No burglar--the McLaffety boy--didn't see
him--collided most forcibly! He spilled his basket; the teapot rolled
out.

MR. T. Do you mean to tell me that the McLaffety boy was stealing the
teapot?

PROF. G. He denied the charge. In fact, he was very saucy, quite rude to
say the least; and he ran away before I could restrain him.

MR. T. Thank heaven you saved the teapot!

MR. B. We'll have the urchin in the House of Correction.

HILDA. I put the teapot in the basket.

ALL (_in surprise_). You?

HILDA. All my life that teapot has stood for what I detest. I wanted to
be free from traditions and stupid conventions and antiques. I was going
away (_glancing at DEAN_); but I didn't, so the teapot had to.

MR. T. Well, this is news to me. Professor Gates, I fear that you will
have to take your bride without the teapot.

PROF. G. (_beaming_). To tell the truth, Sue and I hardly need even so
priceless a gift as the teapot to make our happiness complete. (_Takes_
Sue's _hand._)

 MR. T. }
 MRS. T.} (_in surprise_). Sue?

SUE. Oh, Algernon!

MR. B. (_wonderingly_). Say, the Professor can't be a Mormon.

MRS. B. Leon, hush----

MR. T. Why, why, this is----

PROF. G. I have already had your consent, Mr. Templeton, so I take this
happy occasion to announce----

MR. T. (_recovering himself_). Surely, surely. I had forgotten--the
excitement of the past hour--you understand. We are most happy.

MRS. T. A most appropriate match; the ages are so suitable.

MR. B. (_shaking hands with PROF. G._). Professor, please accept my
congratulations.

DEAN (_doing likewise_). No one has introduced us, Professor, but I wish
you joy.

MR. T. Hilda, can't you say something?

HILDA (_kissing SUE_). I am so happy. Aunt Sue, so very, very glad.

MR. T. I've got to dispose of this teapot; for I can't have my girl
running away again. Mr. Dean, I think that you had better add it to your
collection, as a testimonial of our----

                         (_Holds out teapot_.)

DEAN (_embarrassed_). Thank you, sir, I greatly appreciate your
generosity; but--the fact is--I'm contemplating disposing of my entire
collection.

MR. T. Indeed, you surprise me.

MR. B. Eric, are you crazy? How long have you had that idea in your
head?

DEAN (_looking at HILDA_). Since I've known Miss Templeton.

MR. B. (_laughing_). I see.

MRS. T. I don't understand.

DEAN. I want nothing that is going to prejudice Miss Hilda against me,
Mrs. Templeton.

MRS. B. (_embracing HILDA_). Hilda, how perfectly splendid! (_Shyly._)
But mayn't he have the teapot too?

HILDA. I have no objection to Mr. Dean's having whatever he likes.

DEAN (_taking HILDA'S hand_). Then I take you at your word, Hilda. I
like you better than any heirloom in the world. What do you say?

HILDA (_shyly_). I can imagine conditions in which a teapot might be
very useful.

MR. T. (_putting the teapot into DEAN'S hand_). It looks to me as if the
Templeton teapot was destined to remain in the family.

                             (_All laugh._)


                                CURTAIN



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    Transcriber's notes:

    The following is a list of changes made to the original.
    The first line is the original line, the second the corrected one.

    HILDA. Don't you know about our teapot? (_Takes teapot from mantle._)
    HILDA. Don't you know about our teapot? (_Takes teapot from mantel._)

    PROF. G. (_picking up teapot and replacing it on mantle_).
    PROF. G. (_picking up teapot and replacing it on mantel_).





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