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Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, January 19, 1895
Author: Various
Language: English
As this book started as an ASCII text book there are no pictures available.
Copyright Status: Not copyrighted in the United States. If you live elsewhere check the laws of your country before downloading this ebook. See comments about copyright issues at end of book.

*** Start of this Doctrine Publishing Corporation Digital Book "Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, January 19, 1895" ***

This book is indexed by ISYS Web Indexing system to allow the reader find any word or number within the document.

       *       *       *       *       *


VOL. 108, JANUARY 19, 1895.

_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_

       *       *       *       *       *


(_By Mr. Punch's own Short Story-teller._)


The island of Seringapatam is without exaggeration one of the fairest
jewels in the imperial diadem of our world-wide possessions. Embosomed
in the blue and sparkling wavelets of the Pacific Ocean, breathed upon
by the spicy breezes that waft their intoxicating perfumes through
endless groves of gigantic acacias, feathery fern trees, and
gorgeously coloured Indian acanthoids; studded with the glittering
domes of a profusion of jasper palaces beside which the trumpery
splendours of Windsor or Versailles are but as dust, and guarded by
the loyal devotion of an ancient warrior race noted not less for
the supreme beauty of its women than for the matchless courage and
endurance of its men, the Kingdom of Seringapatam offered during a
period of more than one hundred years a stubborn resistance even
to the arms of the all-conquering Britons. So great indeed, was the
respect extorted from the victors by the vanquished that when, owing
to the marvellous strategy of my old friend Major-General Sir BONAMY
BATTLEHORN, K.C.B., K.C.M.G., the island was finally subdued, it was
agreed that in all but their acknowledgment of a British Suzerainty
and the payment of an annual tribute of fifteen hundred gold lakhs,
the proud islanders were to maintain their independence and to
continue those forms of government which long tradition had invested
in their eyes with all the sanctity of a religion.

I had been present with my dear father at the great battle of the Dead
Marshes by which the fortunes of the islanders were finally shattered.
Never shall I forget the glow of exultant gratitude with which towards
the end of the day gallant old Sir BONAMY came cantering towards me
on his elephant. "Thank you, thank you a thousand times, my dear
ORLANDO," said the glorious veteran as he approached me; "it was that
last charge of yours at the head of your magnificent Thundershakers
that has converted defeat into victory, and assured Westminster Abbey
to the bones of BONAMY BATTLEHORN. All that is now necessary," he
continued, rising in his stirrups and waving his sword, "is that you
should complete the work that you have begun. Dost see that battery of
fifty guns still served by the haughty remnants of the Seringapatamese
bombardiers? Let them be captured, and nothing will stand between us
and the Diamond City of the Ranee."

I needed no further incitement. Gathering round me the few
Thundershakers who had escaped unscathed, I bade the standard-bearer
unfurl the flag of the brigade. In another moment we were upon them.
Cutting, slashing, piercing, parrying, trampling, crushing, we dashed
into the midst of the foe. Far over the field of carnage sounded our
war-cry, the famous "Higher up Bayswater!" which was to our horses as
the prick of spur. In vain the doughty bombardiers belaboured us; in
vain did they answer with the awful shout of "Benkcitibenk," which
none hitherto had been able to withstand. The work was hot, but in
less than three minutes the battery was ours, and the broken host of
the Ranee was streaming in full flight down the slopes from which
so lately they had dealt death amongst the English army. In another
moment we had limbered up--two men to each gun, except the largest,
which was assigned to me as the chief of the band--and helter skelter
down the hill we went, and so, with shouting and with laughter,
deposited our spoils at the feet of the British General.

I do not recount this incident in order to magnify my own exploits.
My deeds themselves are my best record, those deeds which a factious
majority in successive Parliaments has, to its everlasting shame,
refused to recognise, but which not even the voice of malice, always
busy in the task of depreciating genuine achievement, can rob of one
particle of their brilliant and immortal lustre. But the fight is
indissolubly connected with the stirring story which I have here set
out to relate, and for this reason alone have I mentioned it. During
the brief struggle round the guns I became momentarily separated from
the main body of my men. Seizing the opportunity, and noticing,
too, that in the previous _melée_ I had been unhorsed, two gigantic
artillerymen made at me. My sword was broken, my revolver was empty!
What was I to do? But little time for reflection was left to me. With
savage shouts the two dusky Titans sprang upon me. I gave myself up
for lost, shut my eyes, thought of my poor mother, saw in a flash my
happy country home, the thatched roofs of the cottages, the grey old
church, the babbling stream, the village school, the little shop
where my infant mouth had first become acquainted with the succulent
bull's-eye--in short, I went through all the symptoms that are
understood to accompany the imminence of a violent death. Suddenly,
however, the desire to live awoke once more. The smaller of my two
foes had outstripped his companion. He was just about to seize me,
when, lowering my head, which was encased in a spiked helmet, I
bounded at him. Fair and full I caught him, and so terrific was the
force engendered by my spring and the foeman's rush, that not the
spike alone, but the helmet and the head too, pierced him through and

[Illustration: "Fair and full I caught him."]

Down on his back he fell crashing, bearing me with him as he went over
and fixing the spike firmly in the earth, pinned like some huge beetle
by a human pin. As my legs flew up they encountered the second giant,
and, winding round his chest, crushed every vestige of life out of
him and flung his mangled body full twenty yards to the rear. I had
escaped, but my position was still uncomfortably awkward. By this
time, however, the rout was complete, and four of my men, by dint
of tremendous exertions, succeeded in extricating me from my curious
entanglement. My pinned foeman turned out to be the Ranee's brother,
HADJU THAR MEEBHOY. We bore him back with us to camp, where,
marvellous to relate, after a prolonged illness, he eventually

Of course he has never been quite the same man since. He has to
be careful about his diet, but with the childlike simplicity of an
Oriental he finds a constant pleasure in opening and shutting the
little aluminium doors which our dear old surgeon, TOBY O'GRADY,
constructed to replace the KHAN's stomach and the small of his back. I
came to be great friends with him and it was through him that I gained
the knowledge which prompted the adventure I am now about to relate.

(_To be continued._)

       *       *       *       *       *


There is something in a name, especially when it happens to be the
title of a play. At the St. James's, Mr. ALEXANDER'S latest venture
has been _Guy Domville_, by the American novelist HENRY JAMES, who
if he knew as much about play-writing as he does about novel-writing
would probably be in the first flight of dramatists; _and_ he would
not have chosen so hopeless a name for his hero and for his play as
_Guy Domville_. For the anti-James jokers would delight in finding
that _Guy could_ be "_guy'd_," and to say as to "_Domville_" that
"a first night audience '_vill dom_' the play." For all that, if
ALEXANDER be the sagacious commander in the dramatic field that he
has hitherto shown himself, it is not likely that he should have been
completely mistaken in accepting a play which a portion of the public
has refused to accept. Of course, a manager cannot afford to keep a
play going until the public come _en masse_ to see it, and therefore,
unless there is "a turn of the tide" (and such things have happened
before now, and a condemned piece has had a long and prosperous
career), Mr. ALEXANDER will himself be obliged to do to the play what
those who ridicule and chaff it have already done, _i.e._ "_take it

       *       *       *       *       *

MRS. R. admits that she has always been very fond of sweets at dinner.
What she is especially fond of is, she says, "a dish of _pommes
d'Ananias_;" and she always adds, "But, my dear, why the French choose
such awful names for such nice things is what I never can understand."

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "QUITE ENGLISH, YOU KNOW!"

_Abdurrahman Khan_ (_to himself_). "I THINK THIS'LL FETCH 'EM!"

["Should the Ameer happily accomplish the visit to this country on
which he has set his heart, he may be assured of the warm welcome due
to one who, since his accession to supreme power in Afghanistan, has
been the steady friend of Great Britain."--_Times._]]

       *       *       *       *       *


(_Cabulee Version of a popular Comic Song._)

AIR--"_The Dandy Coloured Coon._"

_Ameer, dressing for a projected Visit, sings:_--

  Fools called me a mere "Nigger" when I felt Dame Fortune's frown;
            Up and down--I have known;
  But now the folks all say, "Why, you're fit to wear a crown.
            Black or brown--you've won renown."
  Now a lot of gossips they patter and spy.
  Someone says, "He wants to have the Muscovite hard by."
    "Muscovite!" said I,--"hard by!--you're mistooken!
  This Ameer wants to see no Muscovite.
            Not at all!--not a bit!--
  'Tain't for him at all the Afghan crown is meant!"
            "Go on!"--say they,--"Who is it?"


  "Why, it's AB-DUR-RAHMAN, son of AFZUL, son of DOST
      MOHAMMED, means to rule the fierce Af_ghan_!
  Don't you know me?--Go on!--Well, you _will_, my good man,
  For I'm AB-DUR-RAHMAN the dandy Afghan Khan!"

  Now a man like me is a terror to the tribes,
            The Shinwaris,--the Ghilzais!
  And ISHAK KHAN and others found me galling to their kibes,
            When revolts--they would raise.
  They've been putting it about the Ameer is ill.
  (Wouldn't they delight to administer a pill!)
    "Ameer, you're ill--_mortal_ ill!"--but I wasn't!
  "You've palpitation," the quidnuncs state,
            "From your soles--to your scalp.
  ISHAK at Samarcand makes your heart palpitate!"
            "Go on!"--said I,--"nary palp!"

_Chorus._--For I'm AB-DUR-RAHMAN, &c.

  Now I've long had an ambition to far England for to go,
            Don't you know,--that is so!
  See Empress-Queen VICTORIA and Mister WALES also.
            I'm asked to go--to that show!
  The Empress-Queen to visit me doesn't care.
  (And doubtless Afghan fashions might make VICTORIA stare.)
    But there--I swear--I'll go!--and I'm going!
  Men may say "It's the Shah that this show's about!"--
            And another "You're an ass, Sir!
  'Taint the Shah-in-Shah at all--you're a long way out!"--
            "Go on!"--he'll say,--"ain't it NASS'R?"

_Chorus._--No, it's AB-DUR-RAHMAN, &c.

  So I'll dress the part as near as can be,
            Please JOHN B.--don't you see!
  My close-fitting lambswool and silver filagree,
            Empress V.--might find "free."
  Should the tribesmen twig this peculiar rig
  They'd think their Ameer had turned Infidel Pig.
    What a toff!--Well, I'll say--I'm here--to see the Empress!--
  What is that "coon" all the comics sing about?
            Mister BROWN--JOHN JAMES!
  If as to me Mister BULL has a doubt,
            Go on!--I'll say.--My names?


  Why, they're AB-DUR-RAHMAN, son of AFZUL, son of DOST
      MAHOMMED, wearer of the Afghan Crown.
  Don't you know me?--Go on?--Well, you will very soon,
  For I'm AB-DUR-RAHMAN KHAN, the dandy Afghan coon!

       *       *       *       *       *



  [_He tries it, and finds it--as above._

       *       *       *       *       *

"HALE FELLOW, WELL MET."--"PIERRE BLANC, the hale Savoyard of
eighty-eight, took his usual place in the French Chamber," reports the
_Times_ correspondent last week, "and delivered one of his customary

  What a charming party of three,
  BISMARCK, BLANC, and Mr. G.,
  Decidedly very much alive,
  United ages Two Four Five!

       *       *       *       *       *



       *       *       *       *       *


(_An Episode in the Life of A. Briefless, Junior, Esq.,
Barrister-at-Law, in Three Parts._)

PART II.--_The Passing of the Picture._

It may be remembered that the gift of my grateful if eccentric
client had been put in the box-room at Justinian Gardens. There the
presentment of the donkey languidly watching jaded villagers reposed,
amidst the possibly congenial surroundings of broken perambulators,
superannuated folding-doors, and half-forgotten wide-awake hats. I
rather regretted the fate of the picture, as it seemed to me that
it might have served as a not invaluable advertisement. As a large
proportion of the forensic world knows, I not infrequently during the
Yuletide season entertain some of my friends at the Bar, and I should
have been pleased to have been able to point to the canvas as a sort
of testimonial. However, the painting had disappeared, and there was
nothing more to be said about it.

I am reminded by this reference to my vacation entertainments, that
it was at one of "these feasts of reason and flows of soul" (as my
learned and distinguished friend APPLEBLOSSOM, Q.C., is kind enough
to call them) that my fortunes underwent a change for the better.
The inhabitants of Justinian Gardens are accustomed to do things very
well. When there is a ball, the number of vehicles (always with one
horse apiece, and sometimes with a pair) is quite considerable. On
such occasions a stranger might imagine that the Gardens had the
advantage of a chronic cab-stand. At 97 (which I think I may describe
as our show-house) there is a butler, and there are few at Justinian
Gardens who cannot boast of a "buttons." I do not secure the services
of a man-retainer myself, and am consequently not quite in the
fashion. However, when I entertain, I do my best to be worthy of the
_prestige_ of my neighbours, and put forth all my strength in making
my house an object of interest. The walls of my modest dwelling-place
are adorned with several mementoes of my not-altogether-common-place
career. For instance, I have had my commission as a Lieutenant of
Volunteers (I served for many years in the Bishop's Own, and was
graciously permitted by Her Majesty to retire with my rank) glazed and
framed, and have treated the pasteboard distinctions I won at school
in a similar fashion. When I purpose entertaining my friends at the
Bar, I have these gratifying landmarks in my life's history polished
up by an individual known in my household as "the handy man." This
person (towards whom I entertain a friendly regard), for a certain
sum an hour undertakes to do anything I require. I believe that he
can paint a house, build a conservatory, cut down a forest, and
reconstruct an aquarium with equal facility. But it is only right
to say that I make this statement on the faith of his guarantor--the
gentleman who was good enough to procure for me the advantage of his
services--and cannot speak from personal knowledge. So far I have only
had the opportunity of testing his capabilities in window-cleaning and
the dusting of works of art. In performing these domestic duties he
shows great energy, and even daring. He seems to delight in standing
on window-ledges and the outer edges of flights of stairs. I have been
given to understand that he glories in these displays of hardihood,
as they remind him of the days and nights when he acted as a rather
prominent member of the Fire Brigade.

"Mr. WILKINS," I said, on my departure for the Temple, "I shall esteem
it a favour if you will be so good as to employ your leisure to-day in
repainting the waterbutts, sweeping the kitchen chimney, putting glass
in the conservatory, regilding the mirror in the study, and, if you
have time, dusting my testimonial."

"Certainly, Sir," replied my valued acquaintance, and before I had
closed the hall door, the sounds of the rumbling sticks told me that
he had already commenced to remove the superfluous soot from the
culinary smoke-hole.

I had rather an arduous day at Pump-Handle Court. I had quite an
accumulation of circulars, and a consent brief that required very
careful attention. The latter was not endorsed with my name, but I saw
to it on behalf of a colleague. After I had spent some hours in
the little frequented (during the vacation) realms of the Temple,
I returned to Justinian Gardens, which I need scarcely tell an
experienced cabman is in the neighbourhood of that continually rising
locality--Earl's Court. The door was opened by Mr. WILKINS in person,
who anticipated the turning of the proprietorial latch-key.

"I am sorry to say, Sir," said my trusted _employé_, "that I have had
an accident. While I was dusting the military enlistment card----"

"You mean my commission?"

"I do, Sir. It came down with a run. You see, Sir, you have had him
rather heavily framed. Unfortunately, Sir, when I passed the polish
brush over him the nail did not hold, and it gave suddenly. The
picture made a nasty mark on the wall, and smashed up when he got to
the flooring. I would have reframed him, but all the shops close early
on a Thursday, and I can get no glass."

"Well, what have you done?" I asked, in a tone of some annoyance,
for I pride myself on my commission, and am proud of showing it to my

"Well, Sir, I went up to the box-room to see if I could find anything
that would do, and have looked up an affair that I think will meet
with your approval."

By this time I had reached the place where the wall was damaged. The
spot was covered by a picture.

"I did my best, Sir. I washed the canvas with soap and water, and put
the polishing brush over the frame. Of course the subject ain't worth
much, but for a stop-gap it isn't bad. Now is it?"

I then found that Mr. WILKINS had hidden the faulty hall paper with
the picture that had been presented to me by the gentleman who had
raised a claim to the throne of the Celestial Empire. Secretly pleased
that I could now have an opportunity of referring to the gratitude of
my client to my learned and distinguished friend, APPLEBLOSSOM, Q.C.,
who had promised to dine with me that evening, I readily accepted the
apologies of the penitent WILKINS.

"I will put it allright to-morrow, Sir," said my distressed _employé_.
"I will get some glass, fix up your enlistment card, and have it
done before I rebuild the pantry and whitewash the ceiling of the

Satisfied with the promise I thought no more of the _contretemps_
until after dinner, when my attention was directed to it by
APPLEBLOSSOM, Q.C., who had made himself vastly agreeable after the
ladies had retired and left us to discuss the chestnuts and the port.

"Hullo, BRIEFLESS," he exclaimed; "where did you get that Old BOOTS?"

I told my story of the grateful client, and young BANDS, who I fancy
is thinking of reading in my chambers, regarded me (I venture to
believe) with increased respect.

"Bless me, you have a treasure!" continued APPLEBLOSSOM, Q.C., who
seemed wrapt in admiration. "That is a genuine Old BOOTS. You can
always tell him from Young BOOTS by the manipulation of his animal's
ears. Look at those, Sir! Splendid! Why, who could paint a donkey like
that? By Jove, BRIEFLESS, you are in luck! You ought to make a fortune
out of it at CHRISTIES!"

"Why, is it very valuable?" I asked. "I am not much of an art
connoisseur, and I frankly confess I know very little of Old SHOES."

"Old BOOTS, Sir!" cried APPLEBLOSSOM, Q.C. "Why I thought all the
world knew Old BOOTS! One of the grandest painters of the eighteenth
century! He got that particular delicacy of touch which you can trace
in that donkey's ears by never commencing to paint his animals until
he was recovering from _delirium tremens_. Why, Sir, that animal is
simply superb. Look at his mane, Sir! Why, it is simply marvellous!"

I did look at the donkey's ears and mane, and, with the assistance
of young BANDS, went into an ecstasy. The ears of the animal were
certainly magnificent.

I must admit I was excited during the rest of that eventful evening. I
determined to keep the secret of my good fortune to myself. I thought
I would surprise the lady who does me the honour to bear my name, by
telling her that I had become a rich man after I had cashed the cheque
I was sure to receive. All the following day I made plans for the
spending of my fortune. I would have a box in the Highlands, a
_pied-à-terre_ in Paris, and a pyramid in Egypt. I would present
my Inn with a massive gold snuff-box, and PORTINGTON should have a
silver-mounted meerschaum. If my age did not bar my progress, I would
seek service in the Militia--as a lieutenant-colonel. There was no
limit to my ambition.

When I returned, Mr. WILKINS (who is thoroughly conscientious), having
finished the rebuilding of the pantry and the whitewashing of the
bath-room, had departed. He does not waste his time, and only charges
me for the hours he actually expends in honest labour. I hurried to
the spot where my Old BOOTS was temporarily resting before removal
to the far-famed auction-rooms in King Street, St. James's. I turned

"Why, what is this?" I asked, trembling with emotion.

"Your commission, dear," said my better seven-eighths. "It looks
better than the picture, although I must say the donkey improves on
acquaintance. It really was very well painted. I am quite sorry Mr.
WILKINS has taken it away."

"WILKINS taken it away?" I gasped out.

"Yes. He said that you didn't seem to care for it, so he went off to
try and sell it."

"Why!" I exclaimed, and my voice, through my deep emotion, dropped
almost to a whisper, "it is an Old BOOTS!"

"An Old BOOTS!" cried my better seven-eighths, becoming as excited as
myself. "Why, our fortunes are made! An Old BOOTS! Oh, why didn't you
tell me! An Old BOOTS! Fancy having an Old BOOTS!"

"But we haven't," I returned, almost in tears. "The handy-man has gone
off with it! What _are_ we to do without our Old BOOTS!"

"We will get it back!" returned my better and more important fraction,
with determination.

Whether we did recover our lost treasure, or fail in the attempt,
must, owing to the exigencies of space (so I am given to understand),
form the subject of another and concluding contribution. The chase
after our Old BOOTS was not without adventures of a distinctly
exciting character.

       *       *       *       *       *



AIR--"_My Pretty Jane._"

  My JAYNE, my JAYNE, my Bishop JAYNE,
    O never, never more be sly,
  You'll meet, you'll meet with no green even in
    This correspondent's eye.
  "Charge, CHESTER, charge." Do what you th-i-nk
    Your di-o-cese will stand.
  But do not, do not stain with i-n-k
    Your Gothenburgian hand.

  So JAYNE, my JAYNE, my petty JAYNE,
    O never, never more be sly.
  You'll meet, you'll meet with no green even in
    This correspondent's eye.

[Footnote: * See recent letters and article in _Times_ within the last

       *       *       *       *       *

"TO ROME FOR SIXTEEN GUINEAS."--The travellers, it is announced, will
be "lectured by the Bishop of PETERBOROUGH and Mr. OSCAR BROWNING."
What a delightful prospect for a pleasant trip! Fancy being lectured
all the way as to what to eat, drink, and avoid, on comportment and
deportment, on smoking, on registration of baggage, on economy, etc.,
etc., by a Bishop and one of the OSCAR'S. O what a time they will have
of it!

       *       *       *       *       *



    ["'We were caught in a snowdrift' was Mr. GLADSTONE'S
    explanation. 'In Scotland they would have cleared it away in
    no time, but here they are not accustomed to deal with snow;'
    and, with upright bearing, and carrying a travelling rug which
    he refused to give up to a servant, he marched out of the
    station with a springy gait."--_Central News Telegram from


AIR--"_Bonnie Dundee._"

  To our own G. O. M. 'twas the doctor who spoke;
  "You'd better get out of our frost, fog, and smoke.
  You are now eighty-five, though a wonder you be;
  So follow the sun, bonnie W. G.!
    Come flit from cold Hawarden, and fly off to Cannes,
    The sunny South calls you, our own Grand Old Man!
    Take the first _train de luxe_, and be off, fair and free,
    To RENDEL and roses, dear W. G.!"

  The G. O. M.'s off to the southward--to meet
  Not sunshine, but train-stopping snow-drift and sleet.
  Yet he "pops up" at Cannes as alert as can be,
  After five hours long snow-block, our W. G.
    Then fill up the cup to our CRICHTON at Cannes.
    NESTOR wasn't a patch on our own Grand Old Man;
    May he come back as bonnie as bonnie can be,
    For we've not seen the last of our W. G.!

       *       *       *       *       *


It is noteworthy how in recent years, in the matter of fiction, the
star of Empire shineth in the North. After WALTER SCOTT established
the sovereignty of Scotland in the world of British fiction, there
was a long pause. In our generation WILLIAM BLACK came to the front.
Later, we have had STEVENSON, BARRIE, and CROCKETT. Now here is IAN
MACLAREN with his cluster of gem-like stories gathered _Beside the
Bonnie Briar Bush_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON). My Baronite tells me
that of the collection Mr. GLADSTONE likes best "A Doctor of the Old
School." Where all is good it is difficult to establish supremacy.
But for simple pathos and for the skill of drawing with a few touches
living figures of flesh and blood, this sketch is certainly hard to
beat. Yet "A Lad of Pairts" runs it close. A very beautiful book, full
of human nature in its simplest form and most pathetic circumstances.


Says the Baron, "What I who have read Mr. BRAM STOKER'S latest romance
could tell you about _The Watter's Mou'_ would make your mou' watter
with longing desire to devour it. It is excellent: first because it is
short; secondly, because the excitement is kept up from first page
to last; and thirdly, because it is admirably written throughout; the
scenic descriptive portion being as entrancing as the dramatic. It is
brought out in the Acme Series in charge of A CONSTABLE, and its full
price is only one shilling."

A good short story is to be found in _A Clear Case of the
Supernatural_, by REGINALD LUCAS, only as it is by no means "a clear
case," it might have been appropriately entitled, _Fluke or Spook_.


       *       *       *       *       *

MOST APPROPRIATE.--"Gunner J. C. ROCKETT promoted to rank of Chief
Gunner in the Queen's Navy." Of course, quite right to send up a
Rockett. Only got to present him with a house at Gunnersbury and the
thing is complete.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A COMPLIMENT.

_Proud Mother_ (_to irritable Old Gentleman, whose beard her little
Boy is pulling out by the roots_). "LITTLE _DARLING!_ IT'S NOT OFTEN

       *       *       *       *       *


    ["What we fail to perceive, at least to any adequate extent,
    in the pleadings of the spokesman of the Lancashire Cotton
    Trade, is a recognition of the paramount importance, even from
    a commercial point of view, of the Imperial interests that
    depend on the just and liberal government of India."--_The

AIR--"_Green Grow the Rushes, O!_"

Mr. JOHN BULL _sings:_--

  Ding-dong the lasses go! My patience it quite
          passes, O!
  My brain it turns, though with ROB BURNS, I dearly love the
          lasses, O!

  There's right and wrong on either hand; that's clear to all but
          asses, O!
  So hold your whist, drop each your fist, and to me list, fair
          lasses, O!

  Lancashire lass, I like you well. You're buxom, brave, and
          bonny, O!
  But do not slight your sense of right in hasty greed of
          money, O!

  When North _v._ South "clemmed" many a mouth, what patient,
          patriot spirit, O!
  Lancashire showed! All England glowed. That spirit you
          inherit, O!

  But in your wrath you've missed the path of fair and patriot
          dealing, O!
  Nay, do not pout. You'll wake, no doubt, to right Imperial
          feeling, O!

  The Empire's wide and can't be tied by shackles greed-begotten, O!
  My _only_ duty now, my beauty, 's _not_--to sell your cotton, O!

  Of bulk and bale your sale won't fail--if you keep up the
          quality, O!
  And do not trust to "devil's-dust"--which mars our
          merchant-polity, O!

  Some rascal-muffs, with loaded stuffs, have spoiled the Eastern
          market, O!
  Miss INDIA there will tell you where, and when she whispers,
          hark it, O!

  But with good goods you'll hold your own, despite that import
          duty, O!
  But you can't have _all_ your own way, my bold--but
          angry--beauty, O!

  Miss INDIA, there needs constant care; she has not _your_
          resources, O!
  You raise your voice against my choice 'twixt two unwelcome
          courses, O!

  But I--though loth--considering _both_ on my responsibility, O!
  Have done my best, and for my pains from both meet incivility, O!

  I've tried to bear the balance fair, 'twixt countries, trades, and
          classes, O!
  And lo! my lot is anger hot from _both_ you bickering
          lasses, O!

  Miss INDIA'S eyes, at the Excise, excitedly are
          flashing, O!
  My dusky dear, 'tis hard to steer 'twixt interests wildly
          clashing, O!

  I love ye both, and I were loth to make--or see--ye quarrel, O!
  But--a divided duty's mine, and that's my homily's moral, O!

  And so, my dears, abate your fears, and likewise stint your
          shindy, O!
  The Lass of Lancashire should shake hands with the Lass from
          "Indy," O!

  I'll do my best for East and West. Brim high three bumper
          glasses, O!
  And let's drink health, and love, and wealth to both my bonny
          lasses, O!

       *       *       *       *       *

A Colourable Correction.

  "Bored to blues by a Blue-Book"? I fear you are not
    Up to date in your choice of a tint, my dear fellow.
  The type of sheer boredom, and dulness, and rot,
    Is not now the Blue of old days, but the Yellow.
  As Blue-Stockings now half the sex might be mustered,
  The New Woman doubtless wears hose hued like custard.

       *       *       *       *       *

FABLE.--The "Travelling Rug" of Western fact.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "A DIVIDED DUTY."]


       *       *       *       *       *


_Mr. Æsopus Delasparre._ "I WILL ASK YOU TO FAVOUR ME, MADAM, BY

_Miss Jones_ (_sweetly_). "OH, BUT I ASSURE YOU YOU'RE MISTAKEN,

       *       *       *       *       *


_London._--JONES is going to be married. Of course, I must give him
something. But what? A biscuit box? Commonplace. Good idea to look for
something more interesting and unusual during my holiday. Just off to
North Italy. Will keep my eyes open along the way.

_Paris._--Walk in the Rue de la Paix and Boulevards. Everything
labelled "_Article Anglais_." Must really get him something made
abroad. Give up looking in Paris. Shall find something farther on.

_Lucerne._--No good to take Swiss wood carving. Can't carry home a
huge sideboard. All the smaller things can be bought in London.

_Milan._--The very place. There is an exhibition here. Shall probably
see something beautiful. Italy, cradle of the arts, and all that sort
of thing. Besides, so nice to say to JONES, "My dear fellow, here's
a little trifle; got it in Milan, you know. It's modern, but then
the Italians are always so artistic." To exhibition. Why, there are
pictures here! Of course, just suit me. Hurry to picture gallery.
Several rooms. Enter eagerly. After a short time, totter feebly out
and ask the official at the door where I can obtain a little brandy.
He, evidently alarmed by my horror-stricken face and staggering
movements, asks civilly if I am ill. Would I like a chair? Should he
fetch a doctor? Thank him, and say it is nothing serious. I have
only been looking at a few modern Italian pictures. Crawl to the
refreshment bar, and am revived with cognac. Then inspect the rest
of the exhibition. Am the only visitor, which is not surprising, for
there is nothing to see but bottles! An exhibition of bottles! They
are said to be full of wine, but I do not see how that makes them more
beautiful. Absurd to buy JONES some bottles. And equally absurd to
buy him some Italian wine when he can get good French wine in England.
Besides, can't carry bottles in my Gladstone bag. Therefore, give up

_Venice._--The chief manufactures here are lace and glass. Now JONES
never wears any lace, except in his boots, and never wears any glass,
not even in his eye. So what good would these be to him? See one or
two palaces to be sold. But can't take them home. So give up Venice.

_Bologna._--More useless local productions! Here they make sausages
and soap. JONES is not a starving scarecrow for want of sausages, nor
a SIMEON STYLITES for want of soap. Must therefore give up Bologna.
This wedding present begins to weigh me down. At each new place it
obtrudes itself between me an all the beautiful things I look at. Must
really get something in Florence.

_Florence._--Great Scott! It's worse here. A life-size marble statue,
or a mosaic table weighing nearly a ton. Have serious thoughts
of buying, at a great reduction, an extra large statue, hitherto
unsaleable on account of its size, and then telling JONES that his
wedding present is waiting for him here, if he will come and fetch it.
The dealer asks 2,000 lire. I understand shopping in Italy. Early one
morning offer him 50. He at once comes down to 1,000. I go up to 100.
Discuss for one hour, haggle for another hour, dispute angrily for a
third. Then go off to _déjeuner_. Closing prices--dealer 725, myself
250. Back again after interval for refreshment. Begin quietly. Opening
prices--dealer 720, myself 251. Discussion, haggling, dispute as
before. Indignant marchings out by me, frantic pursuits by the
dealer. Final prices--dealer 403, myself 396. Each of us, hoarse and
exhausted, refuses to yield another centesimo. So do not buy statue
for JONES, and give up Florence. Genoa is the last chance.

_Genoa._--Velvet? What's the good of velvet to JONES? Besides it is
fabulously dear, something like attar of roses at so much a drop. Must
give up even Genoa.

_London._--Back again. Have bought a biscuit box and sent it to
JONES. Since then have met JONES'S cousin, and SMITH, and JONES'S
brother-in-law, and Mrs. ROBINSON, and a few other mutual friends. We
disagree in many things, but in one we seem to be unanimous. We have
all given him biscuit boxes!

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: A RULING PASSION.

_Mr. Meenister MacGlucky_ (_of the Free Kirk, after having given way
more than usual to an expression "a wee thing strong"--despairingly_).

_Mr. Elder MacNab._ "WHA-AT, MAN, GIE UP GOWF?"

_Mr. Meenister MacGlucky._ "NAE, NAE! GIE UP THE MEENISTRY!"]

       *       *       *       *       *


_What the heart of the Small Boy said to the Dyspeptic Pessimist._

  Tell me not, in Christmas Numbers,
    Yule is a dyspeptic dream,
  A tradition that but cumbers
    What smugs call "the social scheme."

  Yule is jolly, Yule is earnest!
    A sick-bed is _not_ its goal;
  Prig who rich plum-pudding spurnest,
    Thou art destitute of soul.

  Not mere "sapping," which means sorrow,
    Is youth's destined end or way:
  But--to think that each to-morrow
    Brings us nearer Christmas Day!

  Terms are long, and Vacs. are fleeting,
    And our "tums," though big and brave,
  Know that there's an end to eating
    When at lessons we must slave.

  Oh, the railway's welcome rattle!
    Oh, the feeling of fresh life!
  Oh, the Christmas Show of Cattle!
    Oh, the fun of fork and knife!

  Blow the Future! it's unpleasant;
    Put the Past clean out of head.
  What _I_ like's the (Christmas) Present,
    No mere ghost, as DICKENS said.

  All _his_ jolly books remind us
    Christmas is a glorious time.
  _Don't_ let bilious bogies blind us
    To its larks, which are sublime.

  Only wish there was another
    Coming--in a month--again!
  Stodge is bad for boys? Oh, bother!
    _I_ can stand it, right as rain!

  Let us, then, be up and doing,
    (With a knife and fork and plate,)
  All our tips at tuck-shops blueing,
    Learn to stodge, ere 'tis too late!

       *       *       *       *       *



As soon as we had agreed to allow the Parish Meeting Chairman to
preside, BLACK BOB jumped up and proposed that Mrs. LETHAM HAVITT
should be elected to the chair. She was a lady whose excellences he
need not dilate on. She had excellent business habits, and, with all
respect to Mrs. MARCH, she had as much right to a seat on the Council
as that lady. Then a miracle happened. Mrs. MARCH not only did not
resent this reference, but actually seconded Mrs. HAVITT. It was
essential, she said, that women should be represented as fully as
possible, and she should, without hesitation, embrace this opportunity
of securing a woman colleague. This made the situation serious, not to
say hopeless. After she had sat down, there was an ominous pause. At
length I rose and proposed myself. In impressive tones I pointed
put that the hand of the electors had pointed in no uncertain way to
myself, and that since no one else had proposed my election, at the
risk of being misunderstood _once more_, I had, on public grounds,
to do it myself. After another painful pause the Parson seconded my
nomination. Then the voting. Mrs. HAVITT'S name was put first. She
got 4 votes--Mrs. MARCH, BLACK BOB, and his two comrades. I got 3--the
Squire, the Parson, and my self. And so I was foiled again--by the
Eternal Feminine.

And so our Parish Council is at last complete, and ready for action, a
corporate body in the eyes of the law. Possibly, in these pages I may
from time to time be permitted to relate how Mudford progresses under
our rule. Possibly, I may not. But in any case I ought to add that,
being beaten by Mrs. HAVITT has not--well, improved the domestic
atmosphere. Wifely devotion seems to be out of fashion in these _fin
de siècle_ days.

       *       *       *       *       *


The question of alien immigration as affecting the British Labour
Market is one that occasionally occupies the attention of the
Legislature. The subjoined advertisement cut from the _Daily News_
suggests something even worse:--

    visiting the whole country, wishes to represent a first
    English house in articles of daily consumption.

It is bad enough to have foreign labourers competing with our people.
But if they are going to send over, bodily, their mills and other
labour shops, JOHN BULL will be obliged to put his foot down and kick

       *       *       *       *       *


       *       *       *       *       *


    ["Le duc d'Orléans a voulu donner une leçon aux mauvais
    patriotes; il habite Londres, il charge un tailleur parisien
    du soin de garnir sa garde-robe."--_French Press._]

  Along the boulevard's busy curb
    That bristles bravely with _étrennes_,
  A thing has threatened to disturb
    The careless _vie parisienne;_
  It isn't spies or journalist blackmailers,
  It is the question of monarchic tailors.

  For lo! from _perfide Albion_
    Has lately come a ducal note
  With patterns for a _pantalon_
    And therewithal a _redingote;_
  (Observe, in passing, that the royal _billet_
  Says nothing of the corresponding _gilet_).

  Now while in matters of the gown
    The _monde_ of Paris sets the _mode_,
  Their gay _flâneurs_ that paint the town
    Long since affect a foreign code,
  Developing in fact a steady passion
  For dressing in the latest London fashion.

  With any perfect patriot
    How bitterly it stirs the bile,
  This craze for being clothed in what
    Is thought to be the English style;
  It makes the language of his heated brain
  Occasionally verge on the profane.

  And now the Exile, armed with red
    Hot coals of living anthracite,
  Projects them on his country's head,
    And more in pity than in spite
  Bids France that hunted him and his like rabbits
  Henceforth to execute his daily habits.

  Some fancy, romping at results,
    The constitution's overthrow,
  A view unworthy of adults,
    According to the _Figaro;_
  It makes a democrat extremely nettled.
  To hear the thing is practically settled.

  Of course there may be something in
    That strange omission of the vest,
  Yet were it little short of sin
    To lay this unction to the breast;
  A person isn't worth a paltry _filet_
  Who stakes the Third Republic on a _gilet_.

  There lacks, you see, a final law
    To guide in France the statesman's game
  The casual ignited straw
    Will set the camel's hump aflame;
  A _redingote_ may raise enough _éclat_
  To bring about a pretty _coup d'état_.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: FANCY PORTRAIT.


"Lord H-LSB-RY will be the principal guest at a smoking 'At Home,'
Jan. 25th, at the W-stm-nst-r P-l-ce Hotel."--_Daily Paper._]

       *       *       *       *       *


  There is a Jappy land
    Far, far away,
  Where Art they understand;
    None more than they.
  Now in fair battle's ring
  They've pummelled poor PING-WING,
  All men their praises sing
    Who've won the day.

  Bright in that Jappy land
    Beams every eye.
  But, though their pluck be grand,
  Their choicest gifts will mar,
  Blood stains their rising star,
  Foul slaughter is not war.
    Fie, Jappy, fie!

       *       *       *       *       *


(_Fragment for the Historian of the Future._)

    [After the Cabinet several of the Ministers present took
    luncheon with the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER.--_Daily

There had been an exciting meeting of the Members of the Ministry.
The gathering had taken place at noon, and after several angry
altercations it had been adjourned. But the objector-in-chief had
admirably kept his temper. He came of a gallant and illustrious race,
and blood is thicker than water.

"I must not forget the teachings of my Uncle DICK," he had murmured,
as it was suggested that two of his favourite projects should be
slaughtered, like the infant Princes in the Tower.

Then, when there was an inclination on the part of his colleagues to
quarrel amongst themselves, he cleverly fanned the fire, and increased
the incipient strife.

"It was the mode adopted by my maiden Aunt, QUEEN ELIZABETH, and
it succeeded in her time. Why should the passing of three or four
centuries make any difference? After all, human nature is--in
fact--human nature!"

And so the dull minutes passed away. The time came for luncheon. Then
he smiled a smile full of mystic hospitality.

"It will put the bloodhounds of the Press off the scent if I ask them
to luncheon with me. It is sure to be reported in the papers, and who
will imagine that I would willingly entertain a possible opponent to
the coming Budget? Moreover, revenge is sweet; not that I would take
it! not that I would take it!"

And then he entreated several of his colleagues to "crush a cup with
him," using a phraseology that had found favour in the mouths of the

"And ROSEY, will not you come?" The question was asked with much
cordiality. The PREMIER did not reply. He merely smiled, and the smile
seemed to be a sufficient answer.

       * * *

Shortly afterwards (as subsequently reported in the newspapers) the
noble Earl took luncheon at his own home.

"I wonder what wine he has given _them?_" And he smiled again.

       *       *       *       *       *


_Santa Claus_, the afternoon pantomime at the Lyceum, is even better
than Mr. OSCAR BARRETT'S _Cinderella_ of last year. There is plenty
of splendour in the fairy piece, considered merely as a "spectacle,"
enough, indeed, to make a "pair of spectacles," and to cause much
speculation as to how they manage to stow away all the scenery,
properties, and costumes at five o'clock every afternoon, in order
to make room for _King Arthur_, who, on the temporary abdication of
_Santa Claus_ (a part admirably acted and declaimed by Mr. WILLIAM
RIGNOLD), reigns at the Lyceum from eight till eleven. But besides the
dazzling brilliancy of fairy pantomime, there is in it not only real
fun which delights the youngsters, for whom the entertainment is
primarily intended, but also a touch of dramatic pathos, as shown
in the death of the devoted dog _Tatters_, a dog who has his day and
dies, whose cruel fate excites the compassion of old and young alike.
All are rejoiced when they find out that clever Mr. CHARLES LAURI, of
whom it can be complimentarily said that "he is a perfect beast," is
restored to life, and that the Heavenly Twins are happily revived.


As the two toy soldiers Messrs. HARRY and FRED KITCHEN--the front
and back kitchen--are first-rate. But where all are so good it is
impossible, within the limits of a paragraph, to particularise. Messrs
BARRETT and LENNARD are to be congratulated, and, as _Hamlet_ says,
"The Pantomime's the thing," and, as Shakspearian readers will
remember, _Hamlet's_ father went to _matinées_,--wasn't it "his custom
always of an afternoon"?--only there's no sleeping here, but everyone
very wide awake, and all "going home to tea" thoroughly satisfied with
_Santa Claus_. Who says _Le Roi Pantomime est mort_, when the Lyceum
is crowded for _matinées_, and, outside the doors of Old Drury, daily
and nightly appear the placards, "House Full"?

       *       *       *       *       *

A "TIT BIT."--When they speak of some one of the Baby Baronets, _i.e._
the recently created Baronets, they don't say he is among the Old'uns;
but "He is among the New'nes."

       *       *       *       *       *


(_An Entertainment Antagonistic to Amusement._)

    SCENE--_Anywhere. Characters distributed about the Stage in
    more or less admired confusion._

_Anybody._ So we are living in a penny romance. And this is Society.

_Charles his Friend._ Society is everything but sociable.

_Somebody._ But why should the PRIME MINISTER be threatened by a
professional blackmailer?

_Charles his Friend._ In matters of this kind the PREMIER is the

_Someone Else._ But surely the same sort of thing has been done by
SARDOU in _Dora?_

_Charles his Friend._ Why not? A dramatist has only one virtue, he
never invents a drama.

_A Casual Visitor._ Then we have only to regard the Adelphi as a
model, and take the Wyldest license with the dialogue.

_Charles his Friend._ Quite so. After all, a paradox is merely a

_A Caller._ But do great men do these things?

_Charles his Friend._ The great do all things because they are little.

_A Lady._ Surely a wife should look up to her husband?

_Charles his Friend._ So she does--unless she wears high heels.

_A Person._ And a wife, if she found her husband in trouble, would
surely cleave to him?

_Charles his Friend._ So she would, if she only knew where to find

_Another Person._ That reminds me that a play, to be successful, must
have the plot of a shilling shocker--much diluted.

_Charles his Friend._ A shocker shocks no one save its--publisher.

_A New Comer._ Then the blackmailer was defeated in the end--as bad
people invariably are when vice is at a discount and virtue at a

_Charles his Friend._ Virtue never is at a premium, save when it is
mistaken for vice.

_A blasé Man of the World._ And yet, in spite of all this, I have had
a pleasant evening.

_Charles his Friend._ So has an author when he is laughing in his
sleeve and confuses black with white.

_Someone._ But does the author never know the difference?

_Charles his Friend._ What does it matter? If he thinks himself right,
everybody will know that he is wrong!

_The Audience._ All this is very clever because it is unintelligible.

_The Author._ So I believe. Only I stand upon my irresponsibility. But
is anyone satisfied with anything in a playhouse?

_Charles his Friend._ Only with the fall of the curtain!

    [_Scene closes in upon nothing in particular._

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: INDUCTION.





       *       *       *       *       *


  I own there are heights that she cannot attain.
    She is not at home with a gun.
  In pastimes where one living creature is slain
    She cannot perceive any fun;
  And never a poor feathered songster has died
    Her hat or her bonnet to grace;
  And after the hounds it were torture to ride,
    Lest Reynard should lose in the race.

  And much she ignores that New Women should learn,
    And still she refuses to smoke:
  One wine from another she cannot discern,
    But she's splendid at seeing a joke.
  Her love and her friendship no labour can fret,
    No jealousy seems to alarm.
  In truth, not a mortal could ever forget
    Her humour, her kindness, her charm.

  Though dozens of friends of her fealty boast,
    Her desk with epistles is packed,
  Her very own relatives love her the most--
    A somewhat remarkable fact!
  With bores and with fools she ungrudgingly bears,
    And though it may end in her loss,
  With cabmen she never can wrangle for fares,
    Or haggle a counter across.

  Her eyes, that are loyal and fearless and kind,
    At wrong or injustice will flame,
  But they never seem anxious a failure to find,
    They never are hasty to blame;
  And well she is loved by the best and the worst,
    For sympathy, courage, and truth,
  For friendship unfailing they love her, the first;
    The last, for her infinite ruth.

  Oh, what if she never should do or should dare
    In regions by Woman untrod?
  Yet, when her step passes, men turn from despair,
    And trust in the world and in God.
  Oh, what if no "record" she cares to eclipse,
    Nor manners nor morals defies?
  But pain she would face with a smile on her lips,
    And death with a light in her eyes!

       *       *       *       *       *

"THE GHIZEH MUSEUM."--A question has been asked in the _Times_ as to
why the name of Professor PETRIE has been omitted from the Commission
for the Museum of Egyptian Antiquities. The answer, whether
satisfactory or not, is that considering the overwhelming learning
on this special subject of the distinguished Professor it is probable
that the energies of the other members would be "Petrie-fied."

       *       *       *       *       *


       *       *       *       *       *


    ["The news of the death of Mrs. BLOOMER, at Council Bluffs,
    Iowa, revives many memories of a distant past."--_Daily

  So Mrs. BLOOMER'S gone! but let her name
    Once more appear in _Mr. Punch's_ pages.
    'Twas long ago, almost the Middle Ages,
  That LEECH'S pencil advertised her fame!

  Her costume was unlovely--let it fade
    For ever from the ken of human vision!
    Though nowadays 'twould scarce provoke derision,
  If worn by pretty girls and tailor-made.

  For by the lady-cyclist, as she plies
    Her pedal, neatly clad in knickerbockers.
    See Mrs. BLOOMER, first of Grundy-shockers.
  Now vindicated in Dame Fashion's eyes!

  But, not in dress alone a pioneer,
    She edited the temp'rance _Water Bucket_,
    And many a blow 'gainst drink with pluck hit;
  Then let us o'er her passing shed a tear!

       *       *       *       *       *

AT THE EMPIRE.--The celebrated _chanteuse_ Mlle. MEALY is engaged.
We've not yet heard her, but of course this lady's songs should be of
a very delicate nature, as she herself must be "Mealy-mouthed."

       *       *       *       *       *

Transcriber's Note:

Page 25: 'change' corrected to 'charge'. "it was that last charge of
yours at the head of your magnificent Thundershakers that has
converted defeat into victory,..."

Page 27: 'The Dandy Afghan Khan': 'Dost Mohammed' in the first Chorus,
becomes 'Dost Mahommed' in the last. Wikipedia gives 'Dost Mohammed.'

Page 28: 'APPLEBOSSOM' corrected to 'APPLEBLOSSOM'.

""Bless me, you have a treasure!" continued APPLEBLOSSOM, Q.C.,..."

Page 29: 'seven-eights' corrected to 'seven-eighths'

""An Old BOOTS!" cried my better seven-eighths,..."

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