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Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, June 29, 1895
Author: Various
Language: English
As this book started as an ASCII text book there are no pictures available.
Copyright Status: Not copyrighted in the United States. If you live elsewhere check the laws of your country before downloading this ebook. See comments about copyright issues at end of book.

*** Start of this Doctrine Publishing Corporation Digital Book "Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, June 29, 1895" ***

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VOL. 108. JUNE 29, 1895.

_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_


_Monday._--Tannhäuserites disappointed. Signor VIGNAS indisposed.
_Tannhäuser's_ understudy _Faust_ put up. House good. Performance
better. PLANÇON,--once _Jupiter_ now _Mephistopheles_, the extremes
meeting in one singer,--excellent. MELBA quite the German Fräulein.
BEVIGNANI, C. B., _i.e._, "Conducting Beautifully," in the chair.

_Tuesday._--Many other attractions, yet heart is true to Opera. M.
VICTOR MAUREL, as _Iago_, adds another leaf to his victor's wreath of
Laurel. MAGGIE MACINTYRE makes distinct advance, and sings, "O Willow,
we have missed you" most melodiously. TAM AGNO as _Misther O'Tello_,
the Irish darky singer, uncommonly powerful. RICHARD GREEN, _Montano_,
greener than ever: quite fresh. PERCY MORDY a good _Roderigo Randomo_.
The highly Pole-ish'd OLITZKA a fair representative of _Emilia_. And
this cast, with Merry MANCINELLI manipulating musicians, makes the
Opera a delight to the _fine fleur_ of the Covent Gardenian Hot House.

[Illustration: Pagliacci.]

_Wednesday._--House crammed to see and hear ADELINA PATTI as _Rosina_
in the ever delightful _Barbiere di Siviglia_. ROSSINI for ever!
"Whar's your WULLIE WAGNER noo?" PATTI'S acting worth a third of the
money; her singing makes up t'other two-thirds. "Bonus" to audience in
"_Home, Sweet Home_." Wrapt attention! Here we are all of us out for
the night, so to speak, in silks and satins and jewels rare, and with
feathers and diamonds and all our war paint on, off afterwards
to routs, balls and supper-parties, and yet all hushed,
conscience-stricken as it were, in the midst of our gaiety, by sweet
voice warbling so distinctly "Home! Home! Home! Sweet Home! Wherever
(including the Opera Covent Garden) we wander (and we can't wander
when our attention is riveted on _la Diva_) there is no-oh-o-o place
like Ho-ome!" And then, second verse finished, a storm of rapturous
applause bursts over the singer! Yes! those are our sentiments. "Home!
Home!" by all means. Only--excuse us--we "_won't_ go Home Sweet Home
till morning, till daylight doth appear." But why, ADELINA
_mia_, didst thou sing at the end of the Opera that remarkably
anti-climaxious waltz of TI-TO-TUM MATTEI'S? TI-TO-TUM all very well
in his way, but not a ROSSINI. And then you sang it from a paper
in your hand as though doing penance in a music sheet? A mistake,
ADELINA, don't do it again, spin your TI-TO-TUM at a concert, but
not in ROSSINI'S _Barbiere_. BERTHA BAUERMEISTER obtained a rapturous
encore, but shook her finger at the audience as who would say "too
late! too late!" So BEVIGNANI bowed, and on we went again merrily.
PINI-CORSI good as pantaloon _Bartolo_. ANCONA a capital _Figaro_,
looking like one of _Cruikshank's_ comic characters. 'ABRY MUNDY,
fine _Basilio_ done in Italian oils; M. BONNARD, light and airy
French count, more of larker than lover. All Home-Sweet-Home-ing (or
elsewhere) about midnight, many being detained by the singers at the
Opera from getting to the SPEAKER'S "at Home," Sweet Home.

_Thursday._--_Pagliacci_, with Miss PAULINE JORAN appearing as
_Nedda_, and playing it in first-rate style. "Gee up! _Nedda!_"
_Query._ PINI-CORSI good as _Tonio_? _Answer._ 'CORSI was. T'others
not much, but Opera still charming. Yet this evening's programme
too trying for emotional persons. _Pagliacci_, tragedy; _Cavalleria
Rusticana_ tragedy also; tragedy from beginning to end; even the
celebrated _mezzo_ very like a wail! Not kind of DRURIOLANUS to
afflict us thus. Madame BELLINCIONI, "the original _Santuzza_,"
admirable. Honours easy between Madame CALVÉ and BELLINCIONI. The
latter played it first abroad; but the former had the start of her
_here_. In some of the action peculiarly characteristic of the type,
BELLINCIONI wins, not by a neck, but by two hands. CALVÉ more striking
(hands down) in her jealous agony. Signor VALENTINE FIGARO ANCONA
excellent as _Alfio_; the situation when VIGNAS, going strong as
_Turiddu_, catches _Alfio's_ ear, in order, as he says in Sicilian,
"Tu-rid-u of his presence" by subsequently killing him, more dramatic
than ever. GIULIA RAVOGLI admirable as quite the gay _Lola_ of the
Sicilian Seven Dials. After _intermezzo_ Bowing BEVIGNANI declines

_Friday._--Child _Harold_ allowed to sit up late for another night.
Composer COWEN ought to sing, "I love my ALBANI with an A, because
she's Admirable." _Harold_ improveth on representation. _William
Malet_ played by RICHARD GREEN. Nice of the librettist, Sir EDWARD
MALET, to keep the memory of his ancestor Green. It must make singers
rather nervous to have the composer _vis-à-vis_ conducting his own
work; as WAGSTAFF observes, "in this instance it must have the effect
of Cowin' them." 'Nother week gone.

       *       *       *       *       *


How sleepy I feel! It is this beastly influenza cold and headache. The
best thing to do for a headache is to have a little doze and sleep
it off. Not a very easy thing to do in a big Paris hotel in the
afternoon. However, it is quiet enough in my room, looking on to the
courtyard, away from the noises of the Boulevard.

Just dropping off. Crash! Only someone shutting a door. That is not an
unusual sound. In these big hotels no one closes a door, no one glides
along a passage, no one speaks in a soft voice, but everyone bangs,
and stamps, and shouts. If it is a woman, she screams. Another crash!
The man in the next room just come in. That's the Frenchman with the
awful cough. No one but a Frenchman could have a cough like that. Lie
and listen to his cough for some time. Various other doors banged. But
at last sink into unconsciousness. Good Heavens! What's happened now?
Oh, it's the American trunks being dragged out of the room on the
other side. Well, at any rate I shall not hear the American voices now
through that miserable door of communication, which, locked and bolted
ever so carefully, does not keep out sounds. But there is someone
talking there now. Of course the new comers. It must be two people.
No, twenty people. By Jove, they are Germans! And there's the
Frenchman's cough again. I shall never get to sleep. Yet somehow
the sounds get confused, I fancy the Germans are coughing and the
Frenchman is saying "_Ja, ja, ja,_" and then----

There, now I am awake again. Why, there's someone knocking at the
door. "_Pardon, monsieur, avez-vous reçu votre linge?_" "_Mais, oui,
je l'ai reçu hier._" "_Pardon, monsieur, il y a des faux-cols._"
"_Non, je les ai reçus tous._" "_Mais, monsieur----_" "_Mais qu'est-ce
que vous me chantez là? Laissez-moi tranquille._" "_Mais, monsieur,
le monsieur en face m'a dit que monsieur a reçu des faux-cols que
monsieur----_" Confound the collars! Get up, let in the _garçon_,
examine my collars and the collars of the _monsieur en face_, who is
just packing up, rectify the mistake of the washerwoman, and am again
alone. Now is it worth going to sleep or not? Will try once more.

What's that? "MARIE!" It's someone shouting outside my door. How fond
they are of shouting outside my door! "MARIE! _De l'eau chaude._" I
hope she won't think it's for me, or she'll wake me up if at last
I get a chance of dropping off. Then silence. Positively, absolute
silence. The coughing Frenchman must have been suffocated; the
Germans--no, nothing could stop the Germans from talking, only they
have gone out of hearing. And the _femme de chambre_ has hurried off
to fetch that hot water for somebody, and the _garçon_ is not banging
his broom about in this _couloir_, and there is no baggage coming or
going, and no door crashing; and, in the midst of profound peace, I
think drowsily of quiet country afternoons, when one hears only the
humming of the bees, and the whispering of the aspens, and then, and
then----Hullo! What's up now? There's someone else knocking. My last
chance gone. My head is aching more than ever. "_Eh bien?_" "_C'est
l'eau chaude que vous avez commandée, Monsieur._"

       *       *       *       *       *


(_Written in the Train by an Irate Traveller._)

    ["The English landscape is being transformed into a
    dumping-ground for catchpenny eyesores."--_See the "Nineteenth
    Century" for June._]


  For Soap and Pill each English slope and hill
  Is now a background, and the cry is, "Still
  They come;" these public nuisances, that mar
  The fair earth's face, like some unsightly scar.
  Who possibly can care, I ask, to learn
  That Juno Soap Saves Washing, or to turn
  A gaze disgusted on some blatant board,
  By which the devious tourist is implored
  To try the Lightning Pill that never fails
  To spot the Spot, or cure whatever ails?
  JOHN BULL, his missus and the kids, I hope,
  Do not entirely live on pills and soap.
  And yet you'd surely think so, when you've scanned
  The nostrum-signs that so adorn our land!
  Oh! heavily I'd tax 'em, if I might!
  And keep the landscape clear. Am I not right?

    [_Terminus. Exit, fuming._

       *       *       *       *       *


(_As foreseen by Mr. Punch's Second-sighted Clairvoyant._)

    _It is the summer of 1896--or possibly '97. The scene is a
    road skirting Victoria Park, Bethnal Green, which Society's
    leaders have recently discovered and appointed as the_
    rendez-vous _for the Season, and where it is now the correct
    thing for all really smart people to indulge, between certain
    prescribed hours, in sports and pastimes that have hitherto
    been more characteristic of the masses than the classes. The
    only permissible mount now is the donkey, which must be ridden
    close to the tail, and referred to as a "moke." A crowd of
    well-turned-out spectators arrives from the West End every
    morning about eleven to watch the brilliant parade of
    "Mokestrians" (as the Society journalist will already have
    decided to call them). Some drive slowly up and down on
    coster-barrows, attended by cockaded and disgusted grooms.
    About twelve, they break up into light luncheon parties; after
    which they play democratic games for half an hour or so, and
    drive home on drags._


_Mr. Woodby-Innett_ (_to the_ Donkey Proprietor). Kept a moke for me?
I told you I should be wantin' one every mornin' now.

_The Donkey Proprietor_ (_after consulting engagement-book_). I've
not got it down on my list, Sir. Very sorry, but the Countess of
CUMBERBACK has just booked the last for the 'ole of this week. Might
let you 'ave one by-and-by, if Sir HASCOT GOODWOOD brings his in
punctual, but I can't promise it.

_Mr. Woodby-Inn._ That's no good; no point in ridin' after the right
time. (_To himself, as he turns away._) Nuisance! Not that I'm so keen
about a moke. Not a patch on a bike!--though it don't do to say so.
Only if I'd known this, I'd have turned up in a tall hat and frock
coat; and then I could have taken a turn on the steam-circus. Wonder
if it would be any sort of form shyin' at cocoa-nuts in tweeds and a
straw hat. Must ask some chap who knows. More puzzlin' what to put on
this year than ever!

_Lady Ranela Hurlingham_ (_breathlessly to_ Donkey Proprietor). That's
mine, isn't it? Will you please put me up, and _promise_ me you'll
keep close behind and make him run. (_Suppliantly._) You will, _won't_

_The Donkey Proprietor_ (_with a due sense of his own value_). Well,
I dessay I can come along presently, Lady 'URLINGHAM, and fetch 'im
a whack or two; jest now I can't, having engaged to come and 'old the
Marshiness of 'AMMERCLOTH'S on _'er_ moke; but there, you orter be
able to git along well enough by yourself now--_you_ ought!

_Captain Sonbyrne_ (_just home on leave from India--to_ Mrs.
CHESHAM-LOWNDES). Rather an odd sort of idea this--I mean, coming all
the way out here to ride a lot of donkeys, eh?

_Mrs. Chesham-Lowndes._ It used to be rather amusing a month ago,
before they all got used to riding so near the tail; but now they're
all so good at it, don't you know.

_Capt. Sonb._ I went down to Battersea Park yesterday to see the
bicyclists. Not a soul there, give you my word!

_Mrs. C.-L._ No; there _wouldn't_ be _this_ season. You see, all sorts
and conditions of people began to take it up, and it got too fearfully
common. And now moke-riding has quite cut it out.

_Capt. Sonb._ But why ride donkeys when you can get gees?

_Mrs. C.-L._ Oh, well, they're democratic, and cheap, and all that,
don't you know. And one really can't be _seen_ on a horse this
year--in town, at least. In the country it don't matter so much.

_First Mokestrian_ (_to second ditto_). Hullo, old chap, so _you_'ve
taken to a moke at last, eh? How are you gettin' on?

_Second Mokestrian._ Pretty well. I can sit on his tail all right now,
but I can't get into the way of keepin' my heels off the ground yet,
it's so beastly difficult.

_Fragments from Spectators._ That's rather a smart barrow, Lady
BARINRAYNE'S drivin' to-day.... Who's the fellow with her, with the
paper feather in his pot-hat? Bad style, _I_ call it.... That's Lord
FREDDY FUGLEMAN--best dressed man in London. You'll see everybody
turnin' up in a paper feather in a day or two.... Lot of men seem to
be using a short clay as a cigarette-holder now, don't they?... Yes,
RODDIE RIPPINGILL introduced the idea last week, and it seems to have
caught on. [_&c., &c._]


_Scraps of Small-talk._ No end sorry, Lady GWENDOLIN; been tryin' to
get you a scent-squirt everywhere; but they're all gone; such a run on
'em for Ascot, don't you know.... Thanks; it doesn't matter; only dear
Lady BUCKRAM has just thrown some red ochre down the back of my neck,
and ALGY VERE came and shot out a coloured paper thing right in my
face, and I shouldn't like to seem uncivil.... Suppose I shall see
you at Lady BRABAZON'S "Kiss in the Ring" at Bethnal Green to-morrow
afternoon?... I believe she _did_ send us cards, but we promised to
look in at a friendly lead the Duchess of DILLWATER is giving at such
a dear little public she's discovered in Whitechapel, so we may be
rather late.... You'll keep a handkerchief-throw for me if you _do_
come on, won't you?... It will have to be an _extra_, then, I'm
afraid.... Are you goin' to Lord BALMISYDE'S eight o'clock breakfast
to-morrow? _So_ glad; I hear he's engaged five coffee-stalls, and
we're all to stand up and eat saveloys and trotters and thick
bread and butter.... Oh, I wanted to ask you, my girls have got an
invitation to a hoky-poky party the VAVASOURS are giving after the
moke-ridin' next Thursday, and I'm told it's quite wrong to eat
hoky-poky with a spoon--do you know how that is?... The only _correct_
way, CAROLINE, is to lick it out of the glass, which requires practice
before it can be _attempted_ in public. But I hear there's quite a
pleasant boy-professor somewhere in the Mile End Road who teaches it
in a single lesson; he's _very_ moderate; his terms are only half a
guinea, which includes the hoky-poky. I'll send you his address if I
can find it.... Thanks _so_ much; the dear girls _will_ be so grateful
to you.... I _do_ think it's _quite_ too bad of Lady GERALDINE
GRABBER, she goes and sticks her card on the only decent wooden horse
in the steam-circus and says she's engaged it for the whole time,
though she hardly ever takes a round! And so many girls standing
out who can ride without getting in the _least_ giddy!... Rathah a
boundah, that fellow, if you ask me; I've _seen_ him pullin' a swing
boat in brown boots and ridin'-breeches!... How wonderfully well your
daughter throws the rings, dear Lady CORNELIA, I hear she's won three
walking-sticks and five clasp knives.... You're very kind. She is
quite clever at it; but then she's had some private coaching from a
gipsy, don't you know.... What are you going to do with yourself this
afternoon?... Oh, I'm going to the People's Palace to see the finals
played off for the Skittles Championship; bound to be a closish thing;
rather excitin', don't you know.... Ah, Duchess, you've been in form
to-day, I see, five cocoa-nuts! Can I relieve you of some of them?...
Thanks, they _are_ rather tiresome to carry; if you _could_ find my
carriage and tell the footman to keep his eye on them. [_&c. &c._].

_Lady Rosehugh_ (_to_ Mr. LUKE WALMER, _on the way home_). You know I
_do_ think it's _such_ a cheering sign of the times, Society getting
simpler in its tastes, and sharing the pleasures of the Dear People,
and all that; it must tend to bring all classes more _together_, don't
you know!

_Mr. Luke Walmer._ Perhaps. Only I was thinking, I don't remember
seeing any of the Dear People _about_.

_Lady Rosehugh._ No; somebody was telling me they had taken to playing
Polo on bicycles in Hyde Park. So extraordinary of them--a place
nobody ever goes _near_ now, you know!

       *       *       *       *       *



_By a Manchester Enthusiast of Tennis-onian Tastes and Hibernian

    ["For once in a way the Northern Tournament, which has long
    boasted of being second only to Wimbledon, has not proved
    an unqualified success.... The withdrawal of Messrs. PIM and
    STOKER must for some time be severely felt by tournaments of
    first-class importance."--_Bradford Observer._]

AIR--"_The Battle of the Baltic._"

  Of Tennis in the North,
  Sing the--more or less--renown!
  But--some champions of worth
  From the netted lists are flown;
  The Great Brethren from the verdant courts are gone!
  Once they mustered a brave band,
  LAWFORD long, and LEWIS grand,
  Whilst the RENSHAWS, hand o'er hand,
  Smashed--and won!

  Now the other--BADDELEY--twins
  Have it nearly their own way;
  And they score repeated wins,
  Though the ALLENS, too, can play,
  And can send a swift one down the centre line.
  When those twins are on the job
  It is little use to lob.
  Then there's BARLOW,--bet your bob
  _He_ is fine!

  But the might of England flush'd
  In those courts of emerald sheen.
  WILFRID flew, and H. B. rush'd.--
  Oh! the wearing of the Green!--
  Where is Irish PIM, where STOKER, that great gun?
  Though they smashed and volley'd madly,
  The Hibernians murmured sadly,
  "Faix! Auld Erin's beaten--BADDELEY
  At this fun!"

  Then there's sweet Miss DOD again!
  Oh, how sad it seems, and odd.
  To survey the chalk-marged plain
  In the absence of Miss DOD,
  Who they say is wholly given up to GOLF!!!
  Shall the links then lick the Court?
  Tennis champions run short?
  And the slaves of the Scotch sport
  Jeer and scoff?

  True MAHONEY and Miss MARTIN
  Did their best our sport to save;
  And Miss COOPER took stout part
  In mixed doubles--which was brave:
  But where was Mrs. HILLYARD, "whom we knew?"
  (As Ulysses said of him
  In the Shades.) Oh, STOKER, PIM!
  E'en bright Manchester looked dim
  Missing you!

  Still, joy, Old England, raise!
  For the tidings of your might!
  Yet we hope that Golfing craze
  Will not come, like a big blight,
  And seduce our DODS and RENSHAWS any more.
  For to mar the sweet content
  Of our Northern Tournament,
  By much time on links misspent
  Were a Bore!!!

       *       *       *       *       *

"THE SEELEY LECTURERS."--We have a wholesome dread of lecturers
generally. Perhaps the more learned the lecturer, the greater the
boredom to the listeners, specially if the latter be frivolously
inclined. But in any case, if lectures must be, then we would rather
hear a _Wise_ lecturer than a _Seeley_ one. On second thoughts, the
only entertaining Seeley Lecturer that we know is the one at the Zoo,
who discourses on, while exhibiting, the seal.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: AT A FRENCH HOTEL.



       *       *       *       *       *


Mr. H. T. WADDY, the Liberal Candidate, has been telling the voters
of the Truro-Helston division of Cornwall stories about those wicked
publicans. At one of the bye elections they got out posters, which
read, "If you vote for the Liquor Traffic Bill, this house will
be closed," and displayed them in their premises. But the Radical
humorist was on the warpath, and, having provided himself with copies
of the poster, attached them to the respective doors of the prison,
the lunatic asylum, and the workhouse. This was quite excellent. But
Mr. WADDY might have carried the joke a little further, say as far as
London. There, at all events, the Bill may possibly lead to the early
closing of one public house, where business has for some time been in
a very bad way. This would of course be a source of great satisfaction
to Mr. WADDY--and his leaders.

       *       *       *       *       *

In connection with the course of lectures given at Truro by Mrs.
THWAITES, principal of the Liverpool School of Cookery, a large
Company recently dined in the Concert Hall, at the invitation of the
directors of the Truro Gas Company, when the advantages of cooking by
gas were put to practical test. Truly there be epicures at Truro who
know what's what. Cooking by G. A. S. must have been a great success,
and Truro will look forward to a repetition of this cook's excursion.
In any case, it will have added to the list of the good things it has
seen and people it has known.

       *       *       *       *       *




_Off the Elbe, Wednesday Afternoon._--Got up steam, weighed anchor
and laid our course East by North half South for Hamburg. Don CURRIE,
whose knowledge of ocean life is extensive and peculiar, tells me no
well regulated ship puts to sea without first ascertaining the weight
of her anchor. Much interested at this peep into nautical life.
But what has the weight of the anchor to do with the voyage of the
_Tantallon Castle_, or even with the opening of the Baltic Canal?
Well, the Don is not sure. Anyhow, it is an old custom. Sailors are
superstitious, and if this preliminary to a voyage were omitted, they
would turn rusty, and might even want to throw someone overboard.
So, to prevent possible unpleasantness, the anchor is weighed--"To an
ounce," Don CURRIE says severely.

Suppose before we turn in we shall be told how much it weighs. Wish I
knew what is the average weight of a really good anchor. So awkward if
a man comes upon you suddenly, and says "The anchor weighs just over
a ton"; or "What do you think? the anchor turns the scale at fifty-two
lbs. ten dwt." Is one too much, and is the other surprisingly little?
Haven't the slightest idea. Shall, in either case, say "Ha!" That is,
at any rate, noncommittal.

Mr. G. will know what an anchor ought to weigh in given circumstances.
He knows everything. Shall try and find opportunity of asking him.

_Hamburg, Friday_, 5 A.M.--"I am very fond of the German tongue,"
said the Member for SARK, paying me an early morning pyjama-call. "The
language in which GOETHE wrote and HEINE sang is sacred. Still, when
it is emitted from the throats of half a score of steam-whistles, one
feels there are limits to passionate desire. Have often heard siren
song of steam-whistle in and about the Thames. That's bad enough for
the sensitive ear. But when it comes to steam-whistling in German, you
begin to understand why people sometimes commit suicide."

For my part, I like it. Few things more charming than to be wakened at
daybreak by a steam-whistle spluttering in your larboard ear. Before
you have quite drank in the fulness of the music, another shrieks in
your starboard ear. Then, far and near, all round the harbour,
they pop off in different keys. Some angry; some whining; some
in anguishing pain; some mocking; some wailing; one ingenious
contrivance, moved by a master-hand, managing to imitate a burst
of maniacal laughter, in which, if you didn't bury your head in the
pillow, you feel you must join.

Then there's the effect on the man on deck. Don't know who he is;
fancy he must be the Supercargo. At first shriek of the earliest
whistle, he puts on the heaviest boots (those with the clump of steel
at the toes, the wedges of iron at the heel, and fat-headed nails all
over the sole). He gives preliminary stamp precisely over your head;
all right; steam-whistle shrieks; others respond; Supercargo is off;
stamps to and fro just the length of the deck immediately over your
berth; leaps up height of two feet; drops exactly over your head;
steam-whistles go faster; Supercargo clatters off; fetches from
somewhere a plank, a rough-hewn plank studded with nails; this he
dashes on the deck over your head; got the range to a nicety; never
misses; steam-whistles go off simultaneously; maddening effect on
Supercargo; he rages to and fro, charges over your berth, banging the
plank with mad delight. You get out of your berth, dash to side; just
going to plunge over; when Quartermaster seizes you and leads you back
to cabin, locking you in.

And SARK says he doesn't care for early morning effects in Hamburg

_Saturday Morning._--Steaming down Elbe, meaning to anchor at its
mouth. (Not at its elbow, as SARK told the pilot. Pilot didn't
see joke. Stared at him, and said, "_Hein?_" which made SARK look
foolish.) Last night citizens of Hamburg entertained us at dinner.
Banquet spread in what they call the Zoologischer Garten. Odd how
the way of pronouncing a familiar word grows upon some people after

Feeding time seven. No extra charge to the public, who are kept
outside. Excellent dinner; but general arrangement more suited to time
of Methuselah than our shorter-lived day. Sat down at 7.30; finished
by 11.30. Peculiarity of _menu_ was the interpolation of cold
speeches among the hot dishes. As soon as we swallowed our _Klare
Schildkrötensuppe_, and toyed with our _Forellen, blau mit Butter_,
Chairman rose and proposed toast to Emperor. Next came on the table
(sideways, of course) _Helgoländer hummer auf amerikanische Art_.
Before the dish was removed, another gentleman on his legs proposing
health of Mr. G. So on through the meal: first a bite and sup, then a
speech. Practice interesting, though apt to induce a coolness on
part of some of the dishes. Suppose cook calculates that gentlemen
proposing particular toast will speak for ten minutes; he takes
twenty, or, if of a fearless nature, half an hour. Where's your next
dish? Why, cold or burnt. Nor can system be recommended on score of
economy. Consequence of sitting through four hours dining off sort
of speech-sandwich, is that you begin to get hungry again. The
absent-minded man, offered an ice, says he usually begins his dinner
with soup. If two hundred follow his example, and insist upon going
all through the dinner again, it is not only embarrassing, but becomes

_Off Jutland, Sunday._--Don CURRIE last night gave return banquet on
_Tantallon Castle_ to Hamburgers. Done in princely style. Over two
hundred sat down in brilliantly lighted saloon. Had our speeches,
as usual with _nous autres_, served with the dessert instead of as
_entrées_. Few, short, pithy, and one historical. Don CURRIE proposed
toasts to his fellow Sovereigns, the Queen of ENGLAND and Emperor
of GERMANY. Burgomaster of Hamburg toasted Mr. G., who responded in
speech, lofty in sentiment, eloquently simple, admirable in delivery.
Dog and pup, I have, during the last twenty years, heard nearly every
one of his great speeches in the House and out. Declare that in all
the qualities that go to make a perfect oration, it would be hard for
even his record to beat this impromptu speech, delivered amid such
strange surroundings.

After dinner, a dance on deck. The waltzing and polkaing commonplace
enough. But pretty to see JOHN LENG, M.P., and the LORD OF THE ISLES do
a sword dance, whilst RAMSAY, M.P., like them, clad in national garb,
played the bagpipes. This struck the German guests more than anything.
Their papers full of it.

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: _Mr. Punch_ regrets to hear (from a thoroughly
[un]reliable source) that some confusion has been caused at Keil owing
to the great physical resemblance between his representative on the
_Tantallon Castle_ and His Imperial Majesty the GERMAN EMPEROR!! In
fact, some doubts are expressed as to which of the two it was who
opened the Baltic Canal!]

       *       *       *       *       *

_Copenhagen, Tuesday._--King and Queen of DENMARK, with rest of
Royal Family, had day out to-day. Came aboard _Tantallon Castle_ for

"You talk about your Roshervilles, _cher_ TOBEE," his Majesty said, as
we smoked cigars with our coffee; "but to my mind, the place to spend
a happy day is the _Tantallon Castle_."

"There is," I said, "the drawback of the absence of shrimps. But then
even kings cannot have everything."

"True, TOBEE," said the grandfather of our kings-to-be and of other
people's. And for a moment the royal brow was "sicklied o'er with pale
cast of thought."

It cleared as he caught sight of our two rival Kodakesses, who had
simultaneously got him in focus. Pretty to see King arrange his hair,
give little twist to moustache, and assume look of abstraction, just
as common people do when they suspect someone is taking a snap-shot at
them. As SARK says, "One snap of the Kodak makes the whole world kin."

Oddly enough, there were speeches at the luncheon. Mr. G. having got
his hand (or rather his voice) in at mouth of the Elbe, delivered
two charming addresses. One in proposing health of King and Queen of
DENMARK, the other in responding to toast to his own health, given
by King. A new thing this for Old Parliamentary Hand to serve as
after-dinner speaker. Listening to his graceful, gracious phrases,
one almost regrets he should have given up so much time to Irish Land
Bills, Home Rule, and the like.

After luncheon a stroll on deck, and, incidentally, a memorable scene.
In addition to the Kodakesses, who have taken everyone on board,
except each other, we have a regular artist with a camera. Don CURRIE,
having a moment to spare, thought he would have his likeness taken.
Got into position; operator's head under the cloth fixing him; in
another moment it would have been done. As SHAKSPEARE wrote long ago,
"Nothing escapes the eye of royal Denmark." The King, seeing what was
going on, quietly led up the Queen, and stood by her in focus; the
rest of the Royal Family, as our toast lists have it, closed in,
forming a group near the Don; and when the astonished operator removed
the cap and exposed the plate he found upon it the Royal Family
of Denmark and one simple Highland gentleman distinguished in such
company by his plain estate.

In afternoon, Don CURRIE having entertained Kings and Queens and Crown
Princes, threw open all the gangways of the ship to the people of
Copenhagen. They flocked in by hundreds, increasing to thousands. In
endless streams they passed along the decks peering and poking their
noses into every nook and cranny. On upper deck they had a great find.
Sitting in his state cabin, with door open, was Mr. G. reading about
the Vikings in their own tongue, which he has lately added to his list
of acquired foreign languages. The Danes, men, women, and children,
stood there at gaze. Mr. G., with his back turned to door, read on,
unnoticing. Crowd growing unmanageable with ever-increasing numbers,
a handy quartermaster rigged out ropes, and made sort of handrail,
guarding either side of cabin, keeping back crowd. But it filled the
deck all through the afternoon, ever changing, but ever one in its
passionate, yet patient desire to catch a glimpse of that figure in
the cabin, that went on reading as if the world outside were a mere

[Illustration: An admirable spot for a little quiet reading, although
perhaps the firing does make it a leetle difficult to concentrate
one's thoughts wholly upon the matter in hand.]

_Wednesday._--At Kiel. Harbour and approaches filled with fleets of
all nations, every ship bristling with guns, and longing to be at
somebody. For the closing years of the nineteenth century of the
Christian Era, this is, as SARK says, most encouraging. It is the
completest achievement, the proudest thing civilisation has to show

       *       *       *       *       *

From the _Manchester Guardian:_--

    TICKETS at Messrs. &c.

How is a picnic rehearsed?

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: HIS IDEA OF IT.


       *       *       *       *       *


_The General Idea_ (_supplied at Pall Mall_). That, although the
British Army costs (exclusive of extras) £57 per man, the War Office
is the best _bureau_ in the world. The establishments over which the
Secretary of State and the Commander-in-Chief preside, are necessarily
incapable of improvement, as they are absolutely perfect. This being
so, nothing more need, can, and should be said.

_Commentary No. 1_ (_supplied by Printing House Square_). That the
General Idea of the War Office is ridiculous. That were Pall Mall to
be occupied by the staff of a merchant's office, the nation would be
saved millions, and the £57 (exclusive of extras) per man arrangement
would soon be regarded as an extravagant product of the wasteful past.

_Commentary No. 2_ (_supplied by a military writer_). That civilians
cannot possibly know anything about the working of a Government
Office. As Pall Mall says it is perfect, it is to be presumed that it
is. Why not leave well alone? And as for £57 (exclusive of extras) per
man, why, is not that arrangement less than £60?

_Commentary No. 3_ (_supplied anonymously_). Opinion of military
writer not worth the paper containing it. Look abroad. Does the
foreign service cost £57 per man, exclusive of extras? Not at all.
Then what can be done on the Continent, can, and should be done in

_Commentary No. 4_ (_supplied by the working-classes_). What! pay, £57
(exclusive of extras) for a soldier? Much better abolish the Army, and
reduce the price of beer!

_Commentary No. 5 and last_ (_supplied by_ Private THOMAS ATKINS).
What, I cost £57 a year, exclusive of extras! Well, all I can say is,
that precious little of the money or the perquisites gets into _my_
pockets! Worse luck to it!

       *       *       *       *       *

MRS. R. ON THE POLITICAL SITUATION.--"What's this I hear about Mr. G.?"
inquired Mrs. R. "That he is returning to the House in town, and giving
up his Villiers in the country?"

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: UNLUCKY SPEECHES.


       *       *       *       *       *


The German EMPEROR having expressed a wish to visit a non-existing
island at Hamburg, the tasteful citizens have constructed one by means
of wirework, canvas, plaster, and cement.

It is stated that the SULTAN is bored by the Bosphorus. The whole
surface of the water will therefore be covered with planks, painted
green, to represent meadows.

The KING of the BELGIANS is said to have remarked that Brussels would
be improved by a distant view of the sea. The municipal authorities
propose to cover the high ground, seen from the palace windows,
with tin-foil. It is hoped that this will give the effect of the sea
gleaming in the sunshine.

The PRESIDENT of the French Republic having thought that it would be
a pleasing compliment to Russia if some specimens of Russian
architecture could be erected in Paris, it is believed that the
_Commission des Monuments Historiques_ will cover the Louvre with
laths and canvas, painted to represent the Kremlin, and by similar
means will transform the Champs Elysées into the Nevsky Prospect, and
will give to Notre Dame the appearance of the forts at Cronstadt.

The KHEDIVE has expressed an opinion that the Pyramids look old
and shabby. If the English and French government will authorise the
expenditure, the whole surface of the stone will be made perfectly
smooth, will be painted and grained in imitation of oak, and will
finally be varnished. The face of the Sphinx will be washed, and will
then be used for an advertisement of an English soap. The enormous
rent paid for this will be added to the KHEDIVE'S pocket money.

The Queen of HOLLAND is dissatisfied with the flat surroundings of the
Hague. It has been pointed out to HER MAJESTY that the city contains
a hill, called, we believe, the Vijverberg, which rises at least three
feet above the level of the sea, but she has replied that this is not
enough. It is therefore proposed to surround the whole city with a
gigantic panorama of the Bernese Oberland.

The other day the King of SPAIN perceived a reflection of the moon in
a pond, and was much annoyed when his attendants failed to bring it to
him. It has now been arranged that all the ponds in the neighbourhood
shall contain an aluminium moon, which can be pulled out by a
specially appointed Grandee of Spain, if commanded by HIS MAJESTY.

       *       *       *       *       *


FRIDAY, June 21. The Duke of CAMBRIDGE resigned his
Commander-in-Chieftaincy, and the Government was suddenly scattered by
a "_Brodrick Patent Cordite Exploder_," which reduced the Secretary of
War's salary by a hundred pounds.

  "A hundred pounds!
  Ha! Thou hast touched me nearly."

  _The Critic._

       *       *       *       *       *

The Witness Protection Society and General Legal Reform Union has been
holding its Annual General Meeting. Among the numerous objects of this
estimable body the chief appears to be to protect witnesses in law
courts from insult by counsel. Captain PARKIS, having expressed
himself as willing, was voted to the chair, and the members settled
down to have a good time. "Heated discussion," "further disturbance,"
and a well-sustained fire of "protests," lent an air of gaiety to
the proceedings, which culminated in "various gentlemen abusing one
another across the table." With such excellent practice, the members
of the W. P. S. G. L. R. U. should be able to hold their own in court.
The Bar trembles. Even the Bench feels a little uneasy.

  L-CKW-D, no longer drawing, will be drawn,
  Even the piercing eye of CL-RKE will quail,
  C-RS-N be "spacheless," G-LL will almost fawn,
  And sturdy W-BST-R falter and turn pale,
  Because the witness, taking heart of grace,
  Will "go for him" with candour strangely new,
  And brandish, cross-examined, in his face
  The W. P. S. G. L. R. U.!

       *       *       *       *       *

the long list Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT'S languidly jocose remark on Friday
night last. "Thank Heaven," he is reported to have said, "there is one
night on which we need not fear a crisis." And while yet the laugh
was on their lips, the bells rang, and subsequently the Four Tellers
announced what could not have been Fore-told. And who laughs last?

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "WILLIAM! AHOY!"

OPEN-MINDED WILLIAM (_having come ashore from "The Stormy Petrel"_).
&c., &c.

    [_The "Messmates" "avast" accordingly._

    *** "Mr. G." withdrew his pair with Mr. VILLIERS in order to
    keep "an open mind" on the Welsh Disestablishment Question.]

       *       *       *       *       *


Messrs. ARKWRIGHT, CUNLIFFE, and WARNER have received their blues from
the Captain of the Oxford University Eleven. In other words, these
gentlemen will help to represent their University in the cricket match
against Cambridge. My congratulations, though they come late, are none
the less hearty and sincere. Can any years of success in after life
efface the memory or outrival the delight of that crowded moment of
glorious life which comes to a young man when his Captain tells him he
may get his blue? Thenceforward he is made one with the great company
of old blues, who year by year meet and exchange reminiscences, the
honour of his University is in his hands, his father becomes less
rigorous in his financial views, and his mother is confirmed in her
opinion that her darling is the brightest and best and handsomest of
created beings. These keen joys come but once in a lifetime, and only
to a few.


       *       *       *       *       *

  That man's a good bat who can time, judge, and mark right
  The ball as it flies from the right hand of ARKWRIGHT.
  And the Oxford men cheer as they see the stumps fall
  When the Magdalen bowler delivers the ball.
  "My team," said G. MORDAUNT, "requires only one lift;
  If I get it the Cantabs may go and be Cunliffed."
  And I think he was wise in awarding, don't you,
  To this tricky left-handed young bowler his blue.
  And lastly the Captain, he put in his thumb,
  For he very much wanted to pull out a plum:
  "I have it," he cried, like a modern Jack Horner,
  And he promptly scored one as he pulled out Plum WARNER.

       *       *       *       *       *

When I was a freshman at Cambridge (_eheu fugaces!_) I remember being
both impressed and terrified at having pointed out to me a tutor of
a certain College who was said to be the hero of a Bacchanalian
incident. The story went that the tutor, returning from some feast
with a party of friends, fell, by mischance, into one of the narrow
streams of water that flow at the side of the Cambridge streets.
Striking out vigorously, he shouted, "Save the rest, I can swim." No
doubt the story is still told, for the supposed hero of it is still
alive. Indeed, when a caricature of him was published some years ago
in _Vanity Fair_, the biography by JEHU JUNIOR closed with the words,
"He can swim." Yet the story, as affecting Mr. DASH, of Blank College,
is manifestly false, for it is older than the century. The curious may
find it in its original form in the lately published volume of S. T.
COLERIDGE'S letters. The poet relates it of an undergraduate of his
day who had taken part in a drunken revel.

       *       *       *       *       *

But the ways of stories are at all times inscrutable. I have myself--I
confess it without a blush--deliberately invented and spread abroad a
story about a semi-public dinner. I did so merely because it struck
me as containing elements of humour. Besides, it not only might
have happened, but ought to have happened. A year or two later six
gentlemen, who had been present when the incident did not occur,
related it back to me, each one with a little special embellishment of
his own. Some of them were magistrates, most of them were fathers of
families, and all were honourable men. Yet they were all prepared to
stake their reputations on the absolute veracity of this myth; and,
what is even more curious, they retailed it to its inventor and

       *       *       *       *       *

Lytham is troubled. I read that "the musical attractions at the Pier
Pavilion have been fairly patronised, and dancing on the pier is to
be resumed." This latter attraction, it appears, has not met with the
entire approval of the Lytham people, who contend that it will bring
Lytham into disrepute. "The Ratepayers' Association have had the
matter under consideration, and have disclaimed any connection with
the innovation. The directors, however, have had the question under
discussion, and have decided to continue the dancing."

       *       *       *       *       *

  Said the pier-man to the tourist, "Lo, the tide is flowing free;
  Won't you come and join the dancers in our Temple by the sea?
  See how mazily the Harries and the Harriets advance,
  Will you won't you, will you won't you, won't you join the dance?

  "We have cornets, flutes and fiddles, and we always play in time,
  And the triangles at intervals triangularly chime.
  Hark, the bold bassoon is booming, every dancer gets a chance,
  Come and trip it, pretty tourist, in our gay Pavilion dance."

  But the tourist paused a moment; then addressed the pier-man,
  Such proceedings bring poor Lytham into awful disrepute,
  Besides, I'm here for pleasure, and I do not want to prance.
  As the rest of them are doing, in your gay _al fresco_ dance."

  And the ratepayers considered it, and angrily replied,
  "There is another shore, you know, upon the other side:
  Take your dancers far from England, take them bodily to France;
  We disclaim the least connection, and we will not join your dance."

       *       *       *       *       *

I note from a correspondence in _The Scotsman_ that a considerable
amount of feeling has been aroused by the erection of the new North
British Railway Hotel in Princes Street. Lord WEMYSS, apparently, has
declared not only that it will spoil the view, but also that it will
"pierce the vault of heaven." Another correspondent adds that it
will have "a Jennerised, unreposeful front." That ought to settle
the matter at once. Someone else complains of "those terrible
advertisements of drugs and fluid beef which extend in gigantic
letters along the side of the lower part of the Carlton Hill, and
which catch the unwilling eye of anyone looking from the Bridges,
from the Mound, and indeed from any part of the Old Town." What with
advertisements of drugs and fluid beef, and a new hotel possessing a
Jennerised, unreposeful front, obviously Edinburgh is in a bad way.

       *       *       *       *       *

Mr. C. J. WALTON, of Wolverhampton, writes to the _Birmingham Daily
Gazette_ with reference to a recent appeal on behalf of the victims
of the "Liberator" frauds. "I fail entirely to see," he says, "how a
member of the Church of England can be expected to make the slightest
sacrifice (except on the principle of Christian charity), seeing that
the whole idea of the 'Liberator' scheme was to find funds for the
agitators whose sole aim was the robbery and destruction of the Church
of England as a national institution, and to get hold of its funds for
secular and non-religious purposes." Dear me, dear me, how strange,
how terrible, how muddle-headed. This poor politician has evidently
got mixed up between the Liberator and the "Liberation Society." Let
him take the hint, and send in his subscription.

       *       *       *       *       *


_The Convict Ship_, CLARK RUSSEL'S latest novel (CHATTO AND WINDUS),
is redolent of the sea. There is no writer, not forgetting MARRYAT,
who has such close companionship with the sea in its multiple
forms and its many moods. The temptation to transfer some of the
ever-varying pictures of the sea which sparkle in these pages is great
but must be resisted. Here is a glimpse of night at sea, chosen not
because it is best, but because it is shortest:--

    "The mighty shadow of the ocean night was majestic and awful,
    with the wild, flashful colouring of lightning in the south,
    and the dustlike multitude of stars over the three glooming
    spires of our ship."


One would suppose that, sitting down to write, CLARK RUSSELL had
just come home from a long trip foreign, or at least lived his life
somewhere within sight and sound of the sea. The pity of it is, my
Baronite tells me, that this incomparable student of the sea, of ships
that go down upon the waters, and of those who people them, lies at
anchor on his sofa in an inland town. He has not looked upon the sea
for a dozen years, nor smelt its brine, nor watched a ship coming or
going. This makes the more marvellous the power of description of
sea life in all its forms here displayed. Beyond this special gift,
fascinating to some people, Mr. RUSSELL has a story to tell, a good
stout sea story, full of life and adventure, through the devious
movements of which we meet real men and one woman. Remembering that
CLARK RUSSELL now ranks as a veteran novelist, it is pleasant to bear
testimony to the fact that he seems to have saved his best wine to the
last. _The Convict Ship_ is, take it from stem to stern, the best work
he has yet turned out.

  THE B. DE B.-W.

       *       *       *       *       *

"N.B."--Glasgow will have to look after its parks. Here is the Town
Council actually dreaming of "feuing" some of "the recently-acquired
Camphill grounds" for building purposes! These grounds belong to the
people, and adjoin the South Side Park, and "the amenity of that park
would be destroyed" by building operations. One protester says South
Side Park is the prettiest in Glasgow, and "more like the London
parks, which I regard as the finest in the kingdom." Thanks, worthy
Scot! The view of it, "as seen through the railings in the Pollokshaws
Road," reminds him of "the fine view of Hyde Park which is to be
had through the railing in that busy and lovely thoroughfare--Oxford
Street." Thanks again, thrice worthy Pict! But Oxford Street a "lovely
thoroughfare"--well! At any rate, the Glasgow Bailies when next they
are disposed to "feu," should think of the "Many" instead.

       *       *       *       *       *


  Rattle-it, rattle-it, "Biking" man;
  Make us a "record" as fast as you can;
  Score it, and print it as large as life,
  And someone will "cut" it ere you can say knife!

       *       *       *       *       *

Drury Lane, by the Ducal Court Company. Farcical Comedy, HASEMANN'S
_Töchter_, played by the Ducal Creatures. How we have been going it
in the theatrical world! SARA in French! DUSE in Italian! and now the
clever people of Saxe-Coburg-and-Gotha ("You'll Go-tha and see 'em!")
to finish with. By the way, SARA not to be beaten by anybody as _La
Tosca_. Fascinating and terrible as ever. In the knife, corpse, and
candle scene, awful. Fine play, but--"Horrible! Most horrible!" Quite
comforting, when curtain descends on that Act, to remember that "it's
only purtendin'."

       *       *       *       *       *

A singular entry was on Tuesday, June 18, made in Mr. INGLEFIELD'S
visitors' (House of Commons) book. "Mr. DISRAELI--Mr. GLADSTONE."
It was Mr. C. DISRAELI introducing as a visitor _a_ Mr. GLADSTONE of
Liverpool. A very "singular entry" indeed, had it been the ghost of
Big Ben himself!

       *       *       *       *       *

DR. W. GRACE'S FAVOURITE DISH.--"Batter pudding."

       *       *       *       *       *

[Illustration: "A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE," &c.


       *       *       *       *       *



AIR--"_The Keel Row!_"

  As I sailed through the Baltic,
  The Baltic, the Baltic,
  As I sailed through the Baltic,
  I heard a German sing, O!
  "Merry may our Kiel grow,
  Our Kiel grow, our Kiel grow,
  With ships from sea to sea, O!

  "The Vaterland reposes,
  As though on beds of roses,
  Whilst we hold up our noses,
  Among the Naval Powers, O!
  Merry may our Kiel grow, &c.

  "The Frank desires to mizzle,
  His Panama's a fizzle.
  BULL, in his land of drizzle,
  Is jealous as cm be, O!
  But merry may our Kiel grow, &c."

       *       *       *       *       *

Mr. F. J. HORNIMAN, F.R.G.S., tea-merchant, has accepted the
invitation to oppose Mr. CAVENDISH BENTINCK, Conservative M.P.,
for the united borough of Penryn, Flushing, and Falmouth. It is
anticipated, says the _Western Daily Mercury_, that he will make a
good candidate. Certainly he ought to be able to suit the constituency
to a T, unless it continues faithful to its CAVENDISH, in which case
his candidature will end in smoke. Mr. HORNIMAN, no doubt, hopes for
an early general election, because the longer he stands the greater
prospect of his getting what schoolboys call a "tannin'."

       *       *       *       *       *

NEW SONG.--"_Goodness' Nose_," By the author of _"Beauty's Eyes"!!_

       *       *       *       *       *



_Miss Prunes-Prism._ And now, my dear charges, I trust you have
utilised the hour that has been hypothecated to enjoyment profitably.

_Emily._ Indeed we have, dear governess. I have read to my brother and
sister a most amusing account of a railway traveller who wished to
get from Bangor to Euston in five hours, and was baffled in the
well-intentioned attempt by the clever ingenuity of the railway

_Miss Prunes-Prism._ You refer, no doubt, to the gentleman who, having
left Bangor at 7.55, reached Llandudno at 8.5, Colwyn Bay at 8.41,
Abergele at 8.52, Rhyl at 9.2, and Chester at 9.56.

_Margaret._ Yes, dear Miss PRUNES-PRISM; and it is at that point the
fun of the railway companies came in. Having arrived at 9.56 he found
that the train for London had already left. It was timed to depart for
the metropolis exactly one minute before the arrival of his train at

_Emily._ Indeed, dear governess, the story is vastly entertaining.
Then there is a similar arrangement at Crewe Junction. At that centre
of popularity a train arrives from a provincial source at 10.48, just
one minute later than the advertised time for the departure of the
London train. Those who have the framing of these traffic arrangements
must be wags of the first water!

_Miss Prunes-Prism._ No doubt they are. And now, my dear CHARLES,
supposing your dear papa wished to get from Bangor to Euston, what
would you advise him to do?

_Charles._ I should recommend him to walk.

_Miss Prunes-Prism._ I think, my dear child, that your counsel would
be sound. And now, my dear charges, having enjoyed our chat, let
us return with renewed energy to the consideration of the principal
incidents of _Magna Charta_.

       *       *       *       *       *

Poetasters." To include the lays of the Logrollerites, and the leading
aspirants to the Laureateship.

       *       *       *       *       *


(_See Song, "The Two Graces," in last week's "Punch."_)

    [In the first innings of the Jubilee Match, "I Zingari
    _versus_ Gentlemen of England," W. G. GRACE, Sen., scored 34,
    and W. G. GRACE, Jun., 79].

  Says the young W. G. to the old W. G.,
  "Seventy-nine, my potent pater, Seventy-nine!"
  Says the old W. G. to the young W. G.,
  "That beats mine, sonny WILLIAM, that beats mine!
  A. G. STEEL does little cricket, but he made hay of my wicket;
  _How_ we used to run the score up, he and I, long ago!
  But I told you you would do it, if you only dared stick _to_ it;
  And we _know_, we old 'uns, WILLIAM; yes, _we_ know!"

       *       *       *       *       *

There has been much excitement in Sheffield about the School Board.
The unsectarian party had a chance of converting a minority of one
into a majority of the same extent, owing to the retirement of one
Church member, and the serious illness of another, Father BURKE,
who was thereby prevented from attending the Board meeting for the
election of a new member. Mr. CHARLES HOBSON, however, refused to take
advantage of an accident to reverse for the next two years and a half
the policy of the Board laid down by a majority of the ratepayers, and
chose what he considered the better part of pairing with Father BURKE.
Therefore was the chairman enabled to give a casting vote in favour of
the Church candidate. But "Hobson's Choice" has not pleased his
candid friends, who think, and say, that it is "not war," nor even
magnificent. The blades must needs keep up the credit of their native
place by making cutting remarks. They come from Sheffield.

       *       *       *       *       *

Who Threw It?

  Joy in the Church, confusion in the chapel,
  And contradictory clamour everywhere!
  It may be questioned if the Eris-apple
  Gendered more strife than "Mr. GLADSTONE'S Pair."

       *       *       *       *       *


    "À bas the Club Sweep," 253

    A-dress by Mr. Speaker, 232

    Advantage of being Consistent (The), 121

    Advertisement Extraordinary, 113

    Advertisement Fiend (The), 301

    Advisability of not being brought up in a Handbag (The), 107

    After the Play, 161

    After Whitsuntide, 274

    "Alas, poor Yorick!" 155

    All the Difference, 101, 189, 219

    Anacreontics for All, 178

    April Foolosophy, 157

    A. R. at the R. A., 220

    Architect to his Wife (The), 109

    'Arry and the Battersea Park Lady Cyclists, 285

    'Arry and the New Woman, 230

    'Arry on Derby Day, 258

    'Arry on the Season, 298

    Ars est Celare Naturam, 306

    "Art is Long----," 69

    Artistic "Frost" (An), 87

    As Broad as Long, 269

    Ascent of Man (The), 277

    Ascot, 289

    "As Simple as Italian," 288

    At a Yeomanry Review, 280

    At the Banquet, Saturday, May 4, 221

    At the Old Masters, 59

    Awful Revelations, 143

    Baby's Diary, 209

    Bail Up! 129

    Ballad of the Unsurprised Judge, 167

    Bar None! 97

    Battle of Eastbourne (The), 216

    Battle of Evesham (The), 53

    "Better late than never," 183

    Between the Lines, 244

    Bismarck's Birthday, 159

    Black Magic, 48

    Blind Allegories, 184, 196, 208, 225

    Bold J. H. Taylor, 298

    "Bon jour, Philippine!" 18

    Bonnie W. G., 29

    Bookmakers on the Beach, 256

    Boot-bills of Narcissus (The), 101

    Bould Soger Boys at Islington (The), 255

    Boys and Girls come out to--Pantomime, 35

    "Brains for Cash," 217

    Bubbles from the Baltic, 304

    Bye-Election Lay (A), 154

    Cabinet Council Record (A), 105

    Cabinet Secret (A), 35

    Carmencita, 204

    Century of Centuries (A), 241

    Chats with the Children, 310

    Check! 141

    Chino-Japanese Calendar (A), 181

    Chronicles of a Rural Parish, 5, 24, 34

    Circling the Square, 133

    Cock and Bull Story (A), 165

    Coming Charge (A), 238

    Comyns and the Goin's of Arthur (The), 37

    Concerning a Misused Term, 177

    Courtly Quadrupeds, 137

    Coy Clients, 57

    Dandy Afghan Khan (The), 27

    Daudet! 270

    Death in the Cup, 24

    Decadent Lover of Fiction (The), 66

    Derby and Joan, 53

    Derby Dialogue (A), 255

    Discovery of London (The), 257

    Disturbed! 114

    "Divided Duty" (A), 30

    Doing a Cathedral, 160

    Dramatic Common Senser-ship (The), 136

    Dramatic Family Likeness, 205

    Dream of the New Woman (A), 17

    Drink Question (The), 217

    Easter 'Oliday (An), 186

    Easy Chair (The), 138

    Ecuador Bondholder's Song (The), 101

    Election Address (An), 145

    Encore Verse, 310

    Essence of Parliament, 71, 83, 95, 107, 119, 131, 155, 167,
    179, 191, 215, 227, 239, 251, 263, 275, 300

    Expectedness, 232

    Fair Children in Grafton Street, 231

    Farming of the Future (The), 117

    Feeling Protest (A), 59

    Filia pulchra, Mater pulchrior, 209

    Fine Summer Day's Outing (A), 297

    First Step (A), 208, 225

    Flirtgirl's Reply (The), 153

    "For this relief, much thanks!" 208

    French Amnesty (The), 63

    Friend at a Pinch (A), 215

    From Corinto to Herne Bay, 226

    From the Queer and Yellow Book, 58

    "Full Speed ahead!" 135

    Game of Draughts (The), 149

    Glad New Year (A), 5

    Goose and the Eagle (The), 287

    Graceful Tribute (The), 294

    Hard Frost (The), 78

    Hard Lines, 85

    Hard to (L. C.) C., 90

    Hexameters to Date, 193

    Higher Criticism (The), 136

    Hints to Skaters on Etiquette and Deportment, 73

    His Favourite Subject, 207

    History repeats itself, 171

    Hopeless Case (A), 113

    How (of course) it is not done, 250

    How to control and rectify Public Opinion, 177

    How to Write an Extra Number, 9

    In Praise of the Triangle, 169

    Interesting Invalid (The), 51

    Interviewer's Vade Mecum (The), 112

    In the Cause of Charity, 88

    In the Court of Common Sense, 124

    "In the Name of Profit--Togs!" 274

    Introspective Bard (The), 154

    Irish Astronomy, 109

    Jap in the China Shop (The), 195

    John stands Aloof, 210

    John Stuart Blackie, 123

    "'Key-note'-orius Mrs. Ebbsmith," 148

    Kind Inquiry (A), 287

    Knight of the Willow (A), 274

    La Diva at Daly's, 267

    Lament (A), 285

    Last Tournament (The), 303

    Latest Craze (The), 193

    Latest from Sol (The), 167

    Laureate Society (The), 47

    Law in Blank, 232

    Lay of the Bimetallist (The), 129

    Lay of the Little Minority (The), 189

    Learned Welsh Goat (The), 90

    Leeds Leads! 245

    Letters from the Shades, 142

    Letter to a Débutante, 46

    "Light Fantastic" (The), 78

    Lines in Pleasant Places, 57, 191

    "Literature and Art," 118

    Literary "Food and Feeding," 180

    Little Change (A), 237

    Little Mopsemann, 52, 64, 76

    "London and Liverpool--little and good," 253

    Lord Randolph Churchill, 59

    Loss of Richmond Hill (The), 263

    Loss of the Gallery (The), 217

    Man and the Maid, 291

    March Thought, 112

    May Day, 205

    May Meeting (A), 238

    "Meat! Meat!" 54

    Meeting a very Old Friend, 161

    Menu à la Mode (The), 133

    Merry may our Kiel grow! 310

    Minor Poetry in the Sere and Yellow Leaf, 178

    Mismanaged Accident (A), 181

    Missed Chance (A), 299

    Moan in Maytime (A), 251

    Model Remodelled (A), 273

    Modern Buyer (The), 213

    Modern Eclogue (A), 61

    Modern Theatre Laugh (The), 4

    Modes and Metals, 238

    Mr. Punch at a Picture Show, 189

    Mr. Punch Welcomes the New Year, 1

    Mrs. A.'s at Home, 77

    Mrs. Bloomer, 36

    "Music hath Charms," 147

    My Influenza, 137

    My Partner, 135

    My Petty Jayne! 29

    My Pipe, 201

    Naval Architecture, 299

    Neuralgia, 237

    New Chivalry (The), 168

    New Conductor (The), 198

    New English Art Club (The), 186

    New Gallery Queries, 227

    New Hen (The), 133

    New Year, 4

    New Year Notions, 4

    New Year's Day Dream (The), 15

    Ninety Year! 219

    Nocturne in Noodledom (A), 287

    Non-Capitalist's Vade Mecum (The), 73

    Not done yet, 174

    Notes from a Patient's Diary, 267

    Notices to Correspondents, 23

    Now we're Furnished! 299

    Ode to a (London) "Lark," 229

    Ode to an Overcoat, 250

    Odyllic Force, 17

    Of the Art of Tobogganing, 100

    "Oh, my prophetic Soul, my Punchius!" 269

    Old Ferryman's New Fare (The), 6

    "Old Master's" Growl (An), 9

    On the New Statue, 238

    Operatic Notes, 245, 257, 269, 281, 293, 301

    Original Aryan to the Professor (The), 136

    Ostrich Feathers, 203

    Our Booking-Office, 21, 29, 48, 60, 61, 77, 93, 105, 112, 129,
    154, 165, 173, 185, 193, 207, 269, 281, 293, 309

    Our Next little Battle, 189

    "Over!" 123

    Overheard Fragment of a Dialogue, 24

    O. W. Vade Mecum (The), 85

    Party Politics, 198

    "Penny plain--but Oscar coloured," 36

    Philistine Pæan (A), 222

    "Pity the Poor Artist!" 66

    Plea for the Ghosts (A), 73

    Pleasures of Travel (The), 113

    Poet and his Interviewers (The), 244

    Polite Guide to the Civil Service (The), 10

    Premier's Cruise (The), 246

    Presented at Court, 205

    "Pride and Prejudice," 174

    Privilege of the Press (The), 231

    Proposed Rules for the Ladies Universal Athletic Association,

    Protest from the Playground, 1

    Proverbs by an Illustrious Foreigner on Tour, 297

    Psalm of (Holiday) Life (A), 34

    Quarter-Day; or, Demand and No Supply, 150

    Queer Queries, 47, 60, 61, 132, 204

    Quiet Rubbers, 96

    "Quousque Tandem?" or, One at a Time, 162

    Rad to Chancellor of the Exchequer, 226

    Railway Ballads, 197

    Rather "Bold Advertisement," 229

    Real New Woman (The), 36

    Reflections of a Statesman, 204

    Re-gilding the Golden Eagle, 99

    Regrets, 275

    Remarkable Instance of Sagacity in Grouse, 213

    Rencontre (A), 47

    Retribution, 65

    Revised Code (A), 49

    "Richard himself again!" 12

    "Rivals" at the A. D. C., 106

    Robert and the County Counsells, 197

    Robert on County Counsellors, 57

    Robert on the Tems, 265

    "Rouge Gagne"? 75

    Roundabout Readings, 245, 253, 265, 277, 289, 309

    Rus in Urbe, 292

    "Sale! a Sale!" (A), 297

    Saturday Night in the Edgware Road, 172

    Scarlet Parasol (The), 249, 261, 268

    Scraps from Chaps, 281, 291, 303

    Second Mount (The), 111

    Siesta (A), 301

    Sitting Out, 69

    Severe Weather (The), 75

    Sexomania, 203

    Shakspeare revised by an Alderman, 133

    Shazada on the Thames (The), 282

    "Should Christmas be abolished?" 5

    Signs of the Times, 106

    Silent! 126

    Sir John Franklin, 253

    Sly Oyster (The), 78

    Society's Next Craze, 302

    Song of Spring (A), 203

    Song of the Sluggard (The), 136

    Sonnet of Sonnets (A), 105

    Sport in Court, 3

    Sport, Speculation, and Counsel's Opinion, 269

    "Strange Disappearances," 195

    Streets of London (The), 217

    Strikes à la Mode de Paris, 205

    Studio-Seeker's Vade Mecum (The), 157

    Study in Ethnology (A), 192

    Sun and Song, 279

    Sword Excalibur (The), 39

    Tall Order (A), 15

    Tall Tales of Sport and Adventure, 13, 25, 45, 49, 72, 81, 97,
    109, 125

    Tartarin sur la Tamise, 275

    Tenification, 118

    Ten Little Measures (The), 83

    That Precious Donkey! 16, 28, 40

    That Telegram, 262

    That Wedding Present, 33

    Three Modes of Spending a Bank Holiday, 173

    Thrift, 93

    To a Bad Shilling, 133

    To a Bantling, 203

    To a Country Host, 250

    To a Flirtgirl, 141

    To a Grand Old Manns, 226

    To a Greek at "The Orient," 161

    To a Lady-Journalist, 281

    To Althea, 11

    To a Picture, 209

    To a Pretty Girl, 191

    To a Young Actress, 192

    Toby to H. R. H., 81

    To Circe, 209

    To Corinna, 121

    To Isista, 155

    To Julia's Pocket, 23

    To Lucenda, 61

    To Mrs. Keeley, 129

    To my Doctor in Bed, 93

    Toning it Down, 85

    "To Paris and Back for Nothing," 179

    To the Griffin, 169

    Toys' Talk, 82

    Trade Betrayed, 201

    Trancemogrification, 99

    Travels in Taffyland, 21

    Truth about the Cold Tubber (The), 120

    Two Graces (The), 293

    Two Ways of doing it, 228

    Unemployed (The), 87, 114

    Untamed Shrew (The), 42

    Up-to-date Ducklings (The), 222

    Vade Mecum for a certain Court Official, 137

    Valediction to St. Valentine (A), 95

    Valentyne (A), 81

    Very Catching, 185

    Vestryman (The), 21

    Viewing a Hare, 48

    Vive le Tailleur du Roi! 35

    "Voici le Sabre de mon Père!" 63

    Wail of the Walworth Woter (The), 241

    Waiting for Nasrulla, 243

    Warm Lament (A), 132

    Wars of the Roses (The), 282

    "Waters, waters everywhere!" 274

    "When Arthur first at Court," 145

    Which is the Correct Card? 179

    "Whitaker," 250

    Whitewashing the Statue of Cromwell, 299

    "Whittington Redivivus," 102

    "Who said--'Atrocities'?" 18

    Why dost thou Sing? 12

    Winter Academy of 1995 (The), 6

    Winter Wedding (A), 69

    With what Porpoise? 153

    Woman who wouldn't do (The), 153

    Won't Wash! 181

    Would-be Soldier's Vade Mecum (The), 196

    "You came to Tea!" 10


    Birmingham Benedick (The), 223

    "Deeds--not Words!" 283

    Disturbed! 115

    "Divided Duty" (A), 31

    Doubtful "Stayer" (A), 259

    Easter 'Oliday (An), 187

    "Flying Visit" (A), 295

    "Great Cry and little Wo(o)lmer!" 247

    Harcourt the Headsman, 271

    John Stands Aloof, 211

    Learned Welsh Goat (The), 91

    "Light Fantastic" (The), 79

    "Meat! Meat!" 55

    New Conductor (The), 199

    New Passenger (The), 7

    Not done yet, 175

    Old Crusaders (The), 234, 235

    "Pity the Poor Artist!" 67

    Quarter-Day; or, Demand and No Supply, 151

    "Quousque Tandem?" or, One at a Time, 163

    Retirement; or, The Easy Chair, 139

    Silent! 127

    "Whittington Redivivus," 103

    "Who said--'Atrocities'?" 19

    "William! Ahoy!" 307

    Untamed Shrew; or, Wanted a Petruchio (The), 43


    Academy Pictures, 220

    Actress who Laugh at Actor, 33

    Admirer very much Cast Down, 251

    Advice to Lady riding in Park, 267

    Animals after Bank Holiday, 183

    Animals after the Influenza, 142

    Animal Spirits on Derby Day, 262

    Anticipating Events in his New Diary, 179

    Archie's Seat in Auntie's Lap, 291

    'Arry prefers riding a "Bike," 118

    'Arry's Ale in the Highlands, 228

    Artist's Unsold Pictures (An), 197

    Aunty's Fancy Ball Reminiscences, 222

    Authoress and her Publisher, 138

    Barmaid and Mr. Boozy, 149

    Baron's Indelicate Wife (The), 162

    Benevolent Gent and Tipsy Protégé, 16

    Best Claret he'd got (The), 54

    Billee and the Mushrooms, 161

    Blushing to the Roots of his Eyebrows, 114

    Bobbie and the Two Soldiers, 102

    Boy at a Fruiterer's, 255

    Britannia and Nasrulla Kahn, 254

    Bull regilding the Golden Eagle, 98

    'Bus Driver and Ugly Policeman, 174

    Butler's Opinion of Russian Prince, 275

    Butler who Overlaid himself, 85

    Cabby and Stout Lady Fare, 46

    Cab Strike at Athens, 137

    Clever Lady, but Ugly (A), 90

    Common's Real Ice Rink (The), 94

    Comparative and Superlative of "Bad," 181

    Coster's Barrow in New Hands, 201

    Country Girls at a London Crossing, 61

    Country Hosier and White Ties, 106

    Countryman chaffing Amateur Jockey, 195

    Cover for "Le Yellow Book," 178

    Crumbs in Jack's Bed, 270

    Curate tutoring Parish Choir, 294

    Cycling and Horse-riding, 207

    Cyclist's Surprise (A), 279

    Dentist who uses Gas (A), 47

    Devonshire Lady's Remark on Golf, 18

    Different Reasons for talking to Women, 59

    Dining with a Woman with a Past, 41

    Doctor's Opinion of the New Woman, 227

    Doing Penance by Dining Out, 150

    Dr. Lobster and the Sick Oyster, 50

    Druriolanus and the Operatic Pie, 225

    Duke of Cambridge as Drum-Major, 146

    Earl's Daughter and Old Housekeeper, 299

    Elephants on the Ice, 60

    Emperor of Germany's Picture, 206

    Emperor's Present to Bismarck (The), 158

    England v. Australia Cricket Captains, 122

    English and American Divorce Laws, 165

    English Couple at French Hotel, 303

    English-dressed Afghan Khan, 26

    Fair Horsewoman and May Meetings, 185

    Father's and Son's Clothing, 205

    Female Inebriate ejected, 297

    Fishes' Boat-race (A), 157

    Fowls' Barn Dance (The), 72

    Frozen Out at the Zoo, 131

    Garrick and Sir Henry Irving, 266

    Girls discussing Jack's Dancing, 231

    Glacial Period. Hyde Park, 1895, 83

    Gladstone bound for the Baltic, 278

    Guiding the Course of the Hounds, 132

    Hairdresser's Subscriber (A), 243

    Harcourt's Second Mount, 110

    Harcourt's Sword of Leadership, 38

    Harlequin Harcourt and Sleeping Trade, 14

    Having a Pain in the Proper Place, 73

    Hercules Bismarck and Omphale, 242

    Herr Maestro and Lady Amateur, 78

    Herr Schmidt's Pleasant Evening, 198

    Holiday Tutor and Pupils, 10

    Hopping Prospects, 229

    Hospital Patient thanks his Nurse, 123

    Hunters' First Open Day, 99

    Hunting Man's Spade for Snow, 124

    Huntsman's Introduction to Lady, 39

    Inebriate refuses to go Home, 82

    Innocent Gent and "Dark" Horse, 159

    Is Billee Moving? 129

    Jack seeks Female Society elsewhere, 282

    Jap and Chinaman's Keys, 194

    Jockey Club before Mr. Punch, 2

    John Bull and Oracle of Ammon, 170

    Jones and Waiter at Restaurant, 258

    Judge and General after Influenza, 167

    Knight and Dey, 4

    Ladies discussing Plays, 6

    Ladies discussing the Browns' Dance, 263

    Lady meeting her Doctor, 237

    Lady Non-Buyer Shopping, 28

    L. C. C. Election and Influenza, 125

    Libellous Editor and Wrathful Colonel, 112

    Lion Plays and Sings to Goat, 169

    Lions _v._ Kangaroos' Cricket Match, 111

    Little Boy and the Black Page, 66

    Little Boy pulling Gentleman's Beard, 30

    Loafers and their Breakfast, 95

    Lord H. practises for Smoking Concert, 35

    Loving Mamma best, 133

    Mahogany Piano (A), 215

    Mark Tapley Redivivus in Snowstorm, 17

    Mary and the Judge's Dictionary, 287

    Master Jack and the Huntswomen, 15

    Minister and Attendant in Vestry, 154

    Miss Mary on Foot at the Meet, 143

    Model's Remarks on Burne-Jones, 105

    Mother boxing Boy's Ears, 244

    Mourning for the Dead Ostrich, 217

    Mr. Gooldenheim and an American, 113

    Mr. Punch decorating Henry Irving, 238

    Mr. Punch welcomes Miss Springtime, 182

    Mr. Smith's Charwoman, 69

    Musical Guest and his 'Cello, 186

    Name to Travel under (The), 155

    Nervous Youth and Riding Lady, 226

    Never Dull while his Host is asleep, 126

    New Baby (A), 36

    No Dressmakers in Cornwall, 210

    Nurse and Children's Pudding Slides, 203

    Our Architect and Old Buildings, 250

    Parish Clerk and the Curate, 21

    Parliamentary Fancy Dress Party, 70

    Parliamentary Indian Exhibition, 286

    Parliamentary "Liberty Men" going aboard, 202

    Playing Wagner during a Tête-à-tête, 119

    Plumber Joe and the Pipes, 86

    Poodle's Christmas Box (The), 5

    Prehistoric Holiday Enjoyments, 190

    Prehistoric Law Courts, 166

    Preparing for the Parliamentary Pantomime, 22

    Ragged Urchin finds a "Fag," 285

    Reciter at a Penny Reading, 4

    Rochfort at Monte Carlo, 74

    Royal Academy Field-day, 214

    Russian Bear and Chinese Honey, 290

    Russian Emperor and Autocracy, 62

    Scotch Minister playing Golf, 34

    Scotch Native and Lady Artist, 305

    Scotch Terriers playing Golf, 97

    Sculptor and Successful Artist, 221

    Sending a Hunter to the Dogs, 75

    Sheep outside Exeter Hall, 209

    Sir George Lewis, 189

    Sissy's Notion of Demi-toilette, 310

    Sleeping "like a Top," 219

    Sleepwalking Scene in New Play, 141

    Smith's Cold amuses Baby, 121

    Smithson exercising his Horses, 27

    Snobbington snubbed at the Club, 230

    Snow-Sweepers' Rate of Pay, 101

    Sportsman and "Seasonable Weather," 65

    Sportsman's Superfluous Horse, 51

    Stonebreaker's Calling (The), 173

    Sweep in Hansom on May Day, 213

    Sunday Visitor during Lent, 135

    Testy Gent and Street-Boy, 93

    Thirsty Workman (A), 193

    Three Boys and One Apple, 191

    Throgmorton Street Bulls and Bears, 145

    Tibbins's Wife asked to resign, 11

    Tommy proposing his Parent's Healths, 42

    Tommy riding in a Sleigh, 87

    Tory Gent and Professional Cadger, 77

    Tourist and Foreign Hotel-keeper, 63

    Tourist and Scotch Innkeeper, 89

    Triton Spencer and Britannia, 134

    Two Costers and their Wives, 177

    Two Military Commanders (The), 218

    Two Tramps (The), 40

    Turf Cuttings, 253

    Turncock (The), 100

    Uncle Toby and Widow Wadman, 241

    Unlucky Speech to a Bride, 306

    Verger and Gratuities, 136

    Wax Members in the Commons, 130

    Whipper-in and Country Lad, 3

    Why he didn't Back the Winner, 273

    Why Jessie wears a Bicycle Suit, 23

    Why Mummie has a Bare Neck, 246

    Why she thought he Cared for her, 274

    Woman-hater flirting (A), 288

    Workman who tells Wife everything, 107

    Yorkshire Gossip about a Funeral, 232

    Young Ladies making a Snow Woman, 120

    Young Lady wishing to "Cycle," 239

    Young Splinter driving Nervous Old Party, 147

    Youth eating Cheap Tarts, 171

    Zambesi Animal Footballers, 48

[Illustration: FINIS]


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