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Title: Seets I' Paris
Author: Hartley, John
Language: English
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Copyright Status: Not copyrighted in the United States. If you live elsewhere check the laws of your country before downloading this ebook. See comments about copyright issues at end of book.

*** Start of this Doctrine Publishing Corporation Digital Book "Seets I' Paris" ***

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Sammywell Grimes's Trip With His Old Chum Billy Baccus; His Opinion
O'th' French, And Th' French Opinion O'th' Exhibition He Made Ov Hissen.

By John Hartley

Author Of "Clock Almanack," Yorkshire Ditties," "Seets I' Lundun,"
"Grimes's Trip To America," "Many A Slip," "A Rolling Stone." "Yorkshek
Puddin." &C.


W. Nicholson & Sons,



[Illustration: 9008]

O them'at read this book an are disappointed becoss aw've described noa
'Seets' but what they knew all abaat befoar, awd simply beg on em to
bear i' mind 'at they didn't mak a new Payris o' purpose for me
to visit;--an to them 'at's inclined to daat trewth o' some o'th'
descriptions aw do give, becoss when they wor thear things lukt
different to them, awd beg em to remember at we dooant all see wi th'
same een, an if it had been intended 'at we should, one pair o' een wod
ha done for th' lot, an then what wod ha becoom o'th' spectacle makkers.
Nah, if hawf o'th' book is fact, that's worth sixpence, an if t'other
hawf is fancy, that's worth sixpence; soa bless mi life I what wod yo

Yors i' hard eearnest,


```Dedicated As Token Of Respect, To

```John Stansfield, Esq., Halifax.

````With The Best Wishes Of

`````The Author.

`````November, 1878.



[Illustration: 9010]

W nivver intended to let yo know what had happened when aw went to
Payris, but as aw wor foolish enough to tak' another chap wi me, an as
awm feeard if aw did'nt tell he wod, why awm foorced to tell misen.
Nah, awm quite willin' to admit'at ther may'nt be mich'at yo'll consider
reight abaat it but for mi' own Karacter's sake aw shall try to prove at
ther wor nowt varry far wrang.

Aw could like to tell yo all aw saw an' all aw heeard, but aw've lived
long enuff to know at trewth isnt allus pleasant, an' i' this case awm
sewer it wod'nt be, for if aw may judge other fowk bi' misen awm
foorced to say at th' inklin aw gate o' some types o' society made a bad
impression'at has'nt left me yet.

Awd been advised whativver else aw did, to leeav Mally at hooam, for
they sed noa chap could enjoy hissen i' Payris if he tuk a woman wi'
him, an' especially if shoo considered hersen to be his guardian angel,
which is another word for maister.

But aw did'nt feel inclined to goa bi' misen like a wanderin' jew, soa
aw went to ax Billy Baccus if he'd join me an' then we could goa like
th' Cussican brothers. Nah, it soa happened at Billy had been ailin' for
a long time, ha long nubdy knew but hissen, for he's a famous memory an'
booasts'at he can recollect his father an' mother havin' a fratch as to
whether th' next child should be a lad or a lass befoor he wor born; but
then awm nooan foorced to believe all he says, an' yo can please yorsen.
Hasomivver, his ailments began somewhear abaat that time, an' he's
nivver had ony gradely health sin. When Billy's at hooam he keeps a
beershop at th' moorside an' does a varry tidy trade ov a Sundy, but
durin' th' wick its seldom or ivver at onybody darkens th' door an'
that's a varry gooid job, for he's sich a martyr to his trade, an' soa
anxious to suit his customers, at he'll nivver sarve onybody wi a pint
until he's supt a gill to sample it, an' when it comes shuttin' up
time, he's soa full up at he has to sit ith' arm cheer as straight as a
pikestaff for fear if he should lig daan it mud run aght an' be wasted.
During th' rest o' th' wick he suffers tarribly, an' monny a time he's
hard warkto get on wi his brewin.

He's nivver been wed, tho' he's a gooid lukkin' chap enuff, but his old
mother lives wi him an' nurses him up as weel as shoo can. Shoo's tell'd
him monny a time at shoo thinks he'd be better if he'd a wife, but he
allus says he's feeard if he wor wed an' should have ony childer'at they
might have his complaint an' he doesnt want to be th' means o' onybody
else havin' to suffer as he's done. But altho' his mother has a deal to
do for him, shoo's varry praad on him, for he's her only lad an' shoo
says he's th' best brewer at ivver smell'd o' malt, an' for a duzzen
year he's nivver had a brewin at womt fit to sup, though nah and then
ther's one'at isnt fit to sell, but he's ov a careful turn an' nivver
wastes it, an' wol he's suppin that he's savin' summat better, an' if
it maks noa profit yet it isnt mich ov a loss. Aw've tell'd yo soa mich
abaat Billy to introduce him like, an' yo'll get to know him better as
we goa on.

Aw tuk th' first chonce aw had to goa see him an it happened to be Sundy
mornin' an' he wor varry bad, an' when aw tell'd him what aw wanted he
grooaned like a sick caah, an' puttin' his hand onto his wayscoit he
shuk his heead an' stared at me as if aw wor a bum bailey come for th'

"Payris!" he sed, after waitin' for a minit or two, "Payris! what have
aw to do wi Payris? A'a! lad, if tha nobbut knew what aw suffer! It's
weel to be like thee at nivver ails owt, but if tha'd sich a miserable
carryin' on as aw have tha'd have summat else to think on! Awm bilious
tha knows, an' aw wor born soa, an' awm feeard awst nivver be better.
What wi ta have to sup? Awve some ov as grand four-penny as tha ivver
tasted. Mother, just draw a pint for Sammy, he'll do wi' it after
trailin' up here, an' yo can draw me a pint too for that matter for it
cannot mak' me ony war nor aw am."

"Aw think sometimes'at tha'd be better if tha did'nt sup quite as much
as tha does Billy," sed his mother.

He nivver answered her, but after hauf emptyin' th' pint he sed,
"Payris! whativver's put Payris into thi heead? Why, they're all
feightin' aw reckon i' that quarter arn't they? Aw remember some chaps
tawkin' abaat it ith' kitchen one Sundy'at neet."

"Feightin'! net they marry! That's aboon hauf a duzzen year sin."

"It is a bit sin aw believe, but aw nivver heeard at they'd dropt it,
but if its all ovver what does ta want to goa for? does ta think they're
baan to fuffen agean?"

"Billy, tha caars up here wol tha knows nowt abaat what's gooin on ith'

"A chap at's troubled wi bile has plenty to do withaat botherin' wi th'
world--but aw mud happen ha gooan if they'd been gooin to have another
set too. Payris! whativver is ther to goa to Payris for when they've
done fuffenin?"

"If ther'd been onny feightin' aw should'nt ha wanted to goa, tha can be
sewer o' that, but ther's th' exhibition, an' they say ther wor nivver
owt as grand befoor an' its th' grandest city ith' world, an' its full
o' moniments an' fine buildins, an' ivverything ats worth lukkin' at."

"Why, what does ta want wi fine buildins,--are ta thinkin' abaat
flittin? Aw should think at yond haase tha's lived in soa long wod fit
thee thy bit o' time aght, an' then varry likely, if tha leaves
yor Mally owt tha'll get a moniment o' thi own, an' as for th'
exhibition;--aw generally try to goa to Keighley Cattle show once ith'
year, though aw've missed for three or four year aw believe, but that's
gooid enuff for me. Payris! nay, awst goa nooan to Payris if ther's noa

"Well, tha mun be like to suit thisen,--aw nobbut thowt tha'd happen
like to get shut o' that bile at troubles thi soa, an' they say at
ther's monny a scoor goa for nowt else."

"Nah tha begins to tawk sense. If aw thowt gooin to Payris ud cure me
an' mak' me like other fowk awd goa befoor aw went to bed! What sooart
ov a place is it for gettin summat to sup?"

"Th' best ith' world an' th' cheapest, an if tha'll goa aw believe
tha'll be a man new made ovver agean, an' they say ther's th' bonniest
women thear at's to be fun onny whear, an' who knows but what tha mud
leet o' one."

"Bonny wimmen, says ta? Aw care nowt abaat em bein bonny, have they onny
brass? That's what's wanted isnt it mother?"

"Aw think tha's brass enough, an' if settin' off for a day or two'll
mak' thi better, if aw wor thee awd goa."

"Well, fill theas two pints agean an' awl think abaat it."

"Awst ha noa moor ale this fornooin," aw sed, "an' if tha thinks o'
gooin' tha'll ha to mak up thi mind sharp for aw mun be off hooam."

"Tha'rt allus in a hurry when tha comes here, but ha mich will it cost?"

"Ten paand'll see thi throo it nicely aw think."

"Tha thinks does ta? But aw mun be sewer afoor aw start! Awm nooan gooin
to slave my sow! aght for th' best pairt ov a lifetime o' purpose to tak
it to keep a lot o' lazzy french fowk! But when does ta think o' gooin?"

"Next Wedensdy mornin--tha's lots o' time to get ready.".

"Well, awl goa if it settles me. But can ta tawk French?"

"Nay, but aw've getten a book an awm leearin a word or two."

"Does ta know th' French for a pint o' ale?"

"Nay but aw can sooin leearn it."

"Well, be sewer tha does,--or tha'd happen better mak it a quairt wol
thar't abaat it for ther'll be two on us to it."

"Awl mak' that all reight. Soa awl expect thi to meet me at Bradforth
station bi nine o'clock."

"Awst be thear. Then tha will'nt have another pint?"

"Noa moor aw mun be off nah--Gooid day!"

"Gooid day! nah dooant forget to leeam th' French for a quairt an' we
can manage for owt else."

Aw wor glad to get away for fear he should change his mind, an' aw knew
awd some bits ov arrangements to mak' o' mi own, an' th' leeast on em
wornt makkin it all reight wi Mally.

When aw gate hooam an' tell'd her at aw wor thinkin' o' gooin, shoo set
too an' blagarded me as nubdy else has a reight to do, an' shoo finished
up wi sayin', "An' soa tha'rt gooin to Payris are ta?"

"Aw am," aw sed, "an' its a pity tha cannot goa wi' me, but tha knows
as well as me'at a haase left to itsen gooas to rack an' ruination. Tha
knows what trouble it is for me to goa away an' leave thee at hooam."

"Sammywell, if tha tawks as tha does aw shall begin to think'at tha's
forgettin ha to spaik trewth. Aw dunnot know what awve done, nor what
tha'rt short on at hooam, nor what it is tha meets wi when tha'rt away,
but for this last two-o'-three year if tha's stopt at hooam for a day
or two tha's been war nor a worm on a whut backstun an' tha nivver seems
happy unless tha'rt galivantin abaat; but its noa use me wastin' mi'
wind tawkin' to thi, for tha's made up thi mind to goa thi own gate an'
it'll be varry weel if it doesnt land thi somewhear at last whear tha'll
find a deal moor brimstun nor tha will traitle, mark that. If aw could
see ony gooid tha gate aght on it, it mud be different, but ther's noa
improvement in thi. Tha wor nivver nowt to luk at an' varry little to
feel at, an' tha seems to pride thisen i' thi awkardness. Tha seems to
forget at tha'rt a gron-father; but tha can goa awther to Payris or to
Payredise for owt aw care, but aw believe tha'll just come back th' same
as tha went, or else war."

"Well, but if aw goa to Payris awst happen come back french-polished an'
then tha'll hardly know me.

"Aw pity them at'll have th' french-polishin o' thee, for they'll ha
ther wark set! All th' bees wax an' turpitine ith' country ud be wasted
o' thee. But awl tell thi what aw think, Sammywell, an' aw've been
considerin it for th' last forty year--"

"Spaik aght lass, an' let's know th' warst."

"Ther's nowt nawther nice nor new in it, aw weant say whether tha wor
born soa or tha's made thisen soa, but th' conclusion awve come to is'at
tha'rt a fooil."

"Well, tha mud be farther off th' mark nor that, an' tha's tell'd me th'
same tale soa oft wol tha's ommost made me believe it misenj; but what
says ta, will ta goa wi me?"

"Sammywell! aw've been wed to thi all theas years an' aw should ha
thowt, simpleton as tha art, at tha'd ha geen me credit for moor sense.
What have aw to goa to Payris for? Who's to wesh theas clooas aw should
like to know if aw goa scaarin a country same as thee? Ther's awr
Hepsaba wi yond youngest child hardly a twelvemonth old, an' awm
expectin to be sent for ivvery day an' neet, but tha wod'nt care if
shoo'd to goa abaat wi a child i' awther arm an' a couple teed to
her back, tha'd goa to Payris an' leeav em to muck amang it; but awm
different to thee, aw want to be whear aw can be o' some use to them at
belangs to me an net ramlin' abaat makkin misen a laffinstock for fowk!
But awst be suited when thart gooan for awst ha one less to luk after,
an' if tha stops wol aw send for thi back tha'll net show thi face i'
this fold agean yet a bit!"

Aw set varry quiet an' sed nowt for aw knew if aw spaik aw should mak'
it war, an' after shoo'd scaled fire an' clattered th' pooaker agean th'
ribs, banged th' ovven door to, upset th' tangs, punced th' fender aght
ov its place an' dragged it back agean, shoo turned raand an' sed as
quiet as could be, "Then what wi ta want to tak' wi thi, coss
tha'd better let's be knowin soas aw can get it ready an' net drive
ivverything to th' last minit?"

"Varry few things'll suit me, for we're nobbut gooin for a day or two."

"We! who does ta mean bi a 'we'?"

"Aw've been to ax Billy Baccus if he'll goa wi' me, aw thowt he'd be a
bit o' cumpny tha knows."

"Oh! Billy Baccus is it? Well an' awm fain tha has axd him! yo do reight
to goa together, Billy an' thee! They'd ha built another, exhibition
if they'd known you'd been gooin, Billy Baccus! raillee, Sammywell! an'
what does his mother say? Is he baan to tak' a brewery wi him or will he
rent one wol he's thear?"

Someha this seemed to put Mally in a gooid temper an' aw wor nooan
inclined to spoil it, soa aw laft when shoo laft an' ther wor nowt
onnymoor sed.

Th' momin sooin coom, an' when aw wor biddin' Mally gooid bye, aw slipt
a bit o' paper into her hand at awd scribbled on,=

```Awm gooin to leeav thi Mally lass,

````But tho' aw love to rooam;

```Awst nivver let an' haar pass,

````Withaat a thowt for hooam.

```An' tho' aw feeast mi'een o' seets ````All strange, an' wondrous

```Awst turn mi heart i'th' silent neets,

````To this mi' native land.

```Awst think o' thee, at's shared mi woe,

````'At's proved mi' joy as well;

```An' far an' wide wheare'er aw goa,

````Awst prize nooan like thisel.=

Shoo read it--"A'a, Sammywell!" shoo sed, "tha thinks tha can get ovver
me onnytime wi' a bit 0' nonsense like that, but tha mun mind tha doesnt
try it on once too oft. Try an' tak' care o' thisen, but whativver else
be careful 0' thi umberel!"

Aw wor sooin at th' station an' Billy wor waitin. If ivver aw saw th'
pictur o' misery it wor his face that mornin'.

"Ha does ta feel?" aw says.

"War an' war, aw think awst ha to give it up, awm nooan fit to goa."

"It's a pity tha set off," aw sed, "has ta getten wai sin tha left

"Nay aw've been soa ivver sin aw saw thi; aw should like to goa, but a'a
dear a me!"

"Why then," aw says, "aw need'nt get two tickets?"

"Noa, get one for thisen, aw've getten mine."

"An' whear's thi luggage?"

"Its ith' van yonder all reight."

Aw sed noa moor but gate mi ticket--th' time wor up, we jumpt into th'
carriage an' wor sooin off to London.

[Illustration: 0021]


[Illustration: 9021]

EXT to bein' th' eleventh chap to get into a carriage'at's suppooased to
be weel packed wi' ten, aw hate to travel wi' one chap'at's made up his
mind to be miserable--an' aw could see in a twinklin' 'at Bill meant it.

But aw wor off for a spree, (aw owtn't to ha sed that, for awd left word
at hooam'at aw wor gooin to collect information for th' benefit o' mi
fellow men,) but whativver wor th' principle reason for me gooin aw
know'at th' interest had summat to do wi' a jollification.

"A'a, aw wish awd stopt at hooam," he sed, as sooin as th' train gate
aght o'th' station.

"Awm sooary but tha had," aw sed, low daan.

"What says ta?"

"Awm sooary tha'rt soa bad," aw shaated.

"Tha doesn't know what aw suffer, lad. Has ta owt to sup?"

"Eeah, aw've a drop'at Mally wod mak mi bring; see what it's like."

"That stirs it," he sed, when he'd had a gooid swig, "what does ta call

"Nay, aw dooant know for aw've nivver tasted it. Happen it's gin?"

"Is it?" an' he held th' bottle to luk at it. "Maybe it is," he sed, an'
he tuk another swig to find aght. "Nay it's nooan gin aw think, aw fancy
it's whisky."

"Varry likely it is whisky," aw sed, "it doesn't luk unlike."

"Aw dooant pretend to say'at it is, for awm noa judge, but it happen is
gin," an' he supt agean to mak reight sewer, an' then he handed me
th' bottle an' sed, "tha can call it what tha likes but aw call it
whisky--taste for thisen."

He did reight to say "taste," for he hadn't left enough in for a sup,
but aw didn't care for that for it seemed to liven him up a bit, an' bi
th' time we stopt at Peterborough he jumpt aght to stretch his legs a
bit an' try what sooart o' ale they kept at th' station, an' he lukt
leetsomer nor awd seen him for a twelvemonth, an' when he coom back he'd
a cigar in his maath an' another for me. "What mak o' ale do they keep?"
aw ax'd.

"Muck! Aw wodn't sell sich stuff, an' th' glasses are nobbut like
thimmels an' they dooan't aboon hauf fill'em. It's a scandlous shame
ha they impooas o' fowk, if awd to do sich things aw couldn't sleep for
thinkin' on it," an as if to prove'at he nivver did owt o'th' sooart he
lained back his heead an' in a varry little time wor snoorin' away like
a bacon makker.

When th' train stopt at th' far end aw had to wak-ken him an' it wor noa
easy job. "Come on!" aw sed, "Ger up! Doesn't ta know'at we're at th'
far end?"

"Aw care nowt abaat it whear we are, awm nooan baan to get up!"

"But tha mun care, for tha'll be foorced to get aght here; an' whear's
thi luggage? If tha doesn't stir thi somdy'll run away wi' it!"

He oppened one e'e abaat hauf way just to squint at me, "An' who's
baan to run away wi' it? Let me catch him an' awl bet ther'll be one
Frenchman less to feight th' next battle o' Waterloo! Awl poise his
frog-aitin heead off his shoolders if he touches owt o' mine!"

"Ther's noa Frenchmen here; tha's nobbut getten to Lundun, an' tha
munnot tawk abaat poisin' when tha gets to France, tha'll ha' to leearn
to parleyvoo!"

"Aw dooant care whether it's poisin' or parleyvoo-in', awl bet his heead
comes off schews ha!"

Just then th' guard coom "All out here! Hi there! what's to do?"

Aw knew th' guard an' he knew me. "O, it's nobbut a friend o' mine'at's
been asleep a bit an' didn't know we'd landed," aw sed.

"And where is he off to? not to Paris surely? He'll be lost."

"Nay, he'll nooan be lost for awm'baan wi' him to luk after him."

Aw didn't see owt funny abaat that but he laft wol aw thowt he'd getten
a spasm. "And who's going to look after thee, Sammywell?"

"Well, when aw want a bigger fooil nor misen to keep me company awl ax
thy maister if he can spare thee for a day or two."

My temper isn't as long as it used to be an' aw didn't relish a strackle
brain like him takkin' liberties wi' me, just as if he'd paid his fare
an' we'd been paid for commin', an' aw wor i' hauf a mind to goa to th'
firerup an' ligg a complaint, but Billy had his hand on his wayscoit
agean an' began grooanin.

"Well, what says ta," he sed, "are we to goa onny farther or stop whear
we are? Aw wor nivver fit to set off i' this state an' aw should nivver
ha' come but for thee. An' what are we to do wi' this luggage? An' what
time does train start? An' whear does it start throo? An' what are we
to do wi' ussen wol it does start? An' what's to come o' yond malt'at's
masht? An' ha does ta expect an old woman like mi mother to be able to
tun? It wor a wrang-heeaded affair ivver to set off an' if we nivver get
back it'll be thy fault."

"Bless mi life!" aw sed, "tha needn't goa! Tiler'll be a train back to
Bradforth directly! Aw dooan't want thi to goa if it's agean thi mind!"

"It's nooan mi mind it's mi stummack! if aw worn't sufferin' like this
aw should be fain to goa; but say what it's to be; are we to goa forrad
or turn back?"

"Aw shall goa forrad an' tha can pleas thisen."

"Then aw shall goa forrad if tha does. Goa an' find aght all particlars
an' see after this luggage an' mak all as reight an' square as tha can
an' then if ther's time, tak me somewhear to get summat to stir this
pain. Awm a deeal fitter for bed nor to be knockin' abaat like this."

Aw left him wol aw made enquiries, but aw couldn't help wonderin' if
Smith had as mich bother wi' me when he tuk me raand to see th' Seets i'
Lundun as aw seemed likely to have wi' Billy.

"The best plan for you to do is to take a cab and get your luggage to
Victoria station, the train starts from there and they'll give you all
information," sed th' pooarter aw ax'd. Ther wor plenty on'em an' we
gate one an' wor sooin rollin' away. "Couldn't we ha' walked it, Sammy?
Tha knows walkin' is far better for me nor bein' shook to bits in a
ditherin' con-sarn like this."

"It's too far to walk an' we'st be thear directly."

"Has ta emptied that bottle?"

"Eeah, does ta want summat? Awl stop th' cab in a minit."

"Does fa want summat?'coss if tha doesn't tha's noa need to stop th'
cab for th' sake o' me. Aw've been used to sufferin all mi life, an'
happenfif aw did get summat aw should be noa better."

But just then th' cab did stop an' when aw shoved mi heead aght to see
th' reason on it, thear wor th' same railway guard sittin' on th' dicky
ov another cab wi' my umberel ovver his shoolder, an' he wor grin-nin'
like a Cheshire cat. "Is this thy parryshute, Sammywell?"

"Awl shute thee if tha doesn't hand it ovver here!" aw says.

A'a, but aw wor fain to see him, for if awd lost that umberel aw nivver
dar ha' faced hooam! Ov coorse that wor a nice excuse to get aght an'
have a leek on. Billy called for a pot o' hauf an' hafe, an' when he
gate it up to his lips he held it thear soa long wol aw thowt he'd
getten his teeth fast i'th pewter an' couldn't leeav lawse, but when
he did put it daan th' bartender whipt it aght o'th' rooad ready
for another customer an' Billy wiped his lips and gave a sigh o'
satisfaction'at wor like music to me.

"Nah, what does ta think o: that?" aw sed.

"Middlin', but it's rayther short o' malt."

Aw wor soa thankful to get mi'nelly back wol aw stood treat twice raand.
"Aw'st ha' to be more carefui for th' futer," aw sed, "for aw wodn't
pairt wi' it for its weight o' new ens."

"If tha did tha'd be able to start a shop," sed Billy.

"Why not have your name put on it?" sed th' guard.

"Bith' mass! aw nivver thowt o' that!"

"There's a shop next door but one, a regular umbrella hospital, I dare
say they would do it for you in a few minutes, and you've got plenty of
time; I'll stay with your friend till you come back."

Aw went, an' gate inside aw tell'd what aw wanted to a nice modest
lukkin' young woman, an' as sooin as shoo saw it, it seem'd to remind
her ov her early days, maybe shoo'd an old mother somewhear'at had one
like it, or a fayther moulderin' away i'th' churchyard'at had once been
praad o' sich a one. Aw ommost felt sooary aw'd spokken, for whativver
it wor, it made her bury her face in her white kertchy an' hurry away
in a state o' agitation'at touched me to th' quick. In abaat a minit, a
young bit ov a whipper-snapper ov a chap, wi' his hair pairted daan th'
middle, comes, an' aw tell'd him what aw wanted. He seized hold ov it
an' began handlin' it as if he'd noa more respect for it nor he had
for hissen, (an' a chap'at pairts his hair daan th' middle is nivver
troubled wi' mich,) an' then he started laffin' an' began axin' me all
sooarts o' questions abaat it." "Young man," aw sed, "Aw didn't come here
to give th' history o' my umbrella, aw coom to ax if yo could put mi
name on it, an' if tha doesn't stop off messin' it up an' daan awl come
raand an' see if my shoe tooa can stir thi brains a bit." He saw aw
meant it so he sobered daan a bit an' handed it back to me, an' he sed
'he wor varry sorry but it wom't i' their line, but if aw tuk it across
to a ironmonger's opposite aw should happen be able to get a door-plate
to fit it.' "An' if aw do," aw says, "awl come for thy heead for th'
door nop an' when aw come aght o' that shop yo couldn't tell whear th'
pairtin' o' that chap's hair had been, but awl bet it wom't i'th' middle
for a wick or two at after.

Aw didn't goa to th' ironmongers, but aw went back to whear aw'd left
Billy, but he wor soa taen up wi' th' guard wol aw sat mi daan, quietly
to wait an' as aw'd been put abaat a bit aw eased misen wi' havin' a
tawk to mi umberel.--=

```What matters if some fowk deride,

````An' point wi' a finger o' scorn?

```Th' time wor tha wor lukt on wi' pride,

````Befoor mooast o' th' scoffers wor bom.

```But awl ne'er turn mi back on a friend,

````Tho' old fashioned an' grey like thisel;

```But awl try to cling to thi to th' end,

````Tho' tha'rt nobbut an old umberel.=

```Whear wod th' young ens'at laff be to-day,

````But for th' old ens they turn into fun?

```Who wor wearin' thersen bent an' grey,

````When theirdays had hardly begun?

```Ther own youth will quickly glide past;

````If they live they'll all grow old thersel;

```An' they'll long for a true friend at last,

````Though it's nobbut an old umberel.=

```Tha's grown budgey, an' faded, an' worn,

````Yet thi inside is honest an' strong,

```But thi coverin's tattered an' torn,

````An' awm feeard'at tha cannot last long.

```But when th' few years 'at's left us have run,

````An' to th' world we have whispered farewells;

```May they say'at my duty wor done,

````As weel as mi old umberel's.'=

Awd getten soa far when they called me to'em, an' after another sup we
bid gooid day to th' guard, gate into th' cab an' wor sooin at Victoria

When we gate thear, we fan th' train didn't start till past eight
o'clock. "Nah, tha's getten us into a bonny mullock, tha has! Aw thowt
tha reckoned to know summat abaat travellin'. We've hauf a day to goa
wanderin' abaat an' me i' this state--net fit to walk a yard. What does
ta mean to do? We'd happen better caar here? An' ther's three quarters
o' malt i'th' mash at hooam an' here aw am hallockin' abaat fast what to
do wi' mi time."

"Aw care nowt abaat thy three quarters o' malt, Billy; if tha'rt soa
anxious abaat it tha should ha' stopt wi' it or else browt it wi' thi!
Awm baan to have summat to ait an' tha can pleas thisen."

"Nay, aw nooan want to pleeas misen, net aw marry! Aw've come here o'
purpose to pleas thee. Do whativver tha likes it'll be reight to me;
tha's getten me here nah soa aw mun mak th' best on't."

We set off an' had a long walk an' aw could see'at he wor a bit capt as
we passed some o' th' big buildins an' monuments soa aw ax'd his opinion

"Varry fair, considerin'," he sed, "but aw expected findin' 'em bigger,
an' thes nooan on'em ovver cleean."

"Why," aw sed, "tha'll have to goa a long way to find bigger nor theas."

"They're noa bigger, accordinglye to th' place nor yond little haase o'
mine up at th' moor end."

Aw tuk him into a place whear aw knew we could get a gooid meal at a
reasonable rate an' axt him what he'd have.

"Aw dunnot know what to say--ther's nowt aw dar touch wi' mi stummack i'
this state--thee order what tha likes."

"Awm gooin' in for a mutton chop an' some fried puttates."

"Well, aw'll ha' th' same; one thing's as gooid as another to me, for
aw'st ait nooan on it. Do they sell ale here? but if they do aw expect
it willn't be fit to sup."

Aw called for two bottles, an' whether it wor fit to sup or net his
didn't last long. Th' mutton chops an' fried puttates wor browt, an for
a matter o' five minits nawther on us spake.

"Well, doesn't ta think theas is varry nice?"

"Aw can tell nowt abaat it for ther's nowt but booan o' this o' mine,
but if they've forgetten to put th' mait on it, they'll nooan forget to
put th' price on it awl warrant."

Aw wor satisfied wi' mine, but aw ordered two moor for him, an' he

"Nah, has ta enjoyed'em?" aw sed as he sopped th' gravy up wi' a chunk
o' cake.

"Aw've had war; but, bless mi life! yo can get as gooid chops as theas
at hooam if yo'll pay th' price for'em, an' aw dooan't expect they'll
agree wi' mi nah aw've getten'em."

Aw worn't gooin' to argy that point wi' him, soa aw settled th' bill an'
we lit a cigar a-piece an' walked quietly to th' station.

It wanted abaat fifteen minits to th' train time soa aw went to see
after tickets, an' aw must say when th' chap sed four paand fifteen
shillin' a-piece it knocked th' steam aght on me. Aw felt sewer ther
must be some mistak an' aw went to th' station maister, but he sed it
wor all reight, ther wor nowt nobbut furst class that neet. Aw tell'd
Billy, an' ax'd what we should do.--"Do just as tha likes," he says,
"tha has it all i' thi own hands; awl ha' nowt to do wi' it; tha can
awther goa or stop just as it suits thisen. Aw know nowt abaat sich
things, it's nobbut thee'at has all th' knowledge;--but _aw know what aw

As weel be hung for a sheep as a lamb, aw thowt, soa aw gate two tickets
an' we wor sooin in a furst class carriage speedin' on to Dover. Billy
slept om-most all th' time an' when we landed it wor dark an' drizzlin'
"Aw expect this is th' sooart o' weather we shall have all th' time," he
sed, "aw allus consider this th' warst month i' th' year for onybody to
set off in, an' nubdy i' ther reight wit ivver wod."

Ther wor noa time to tawk for we'd to get on th' booat as sooin as we
could. This wor th' furst thing'at seemed to set Billy's bile reight
agate o' workin'. "If aw'd a known'at we couldn't ha' gooan bi land aw'd
ha' seen thee blowed befoor tha'd ha' getten me here! But it's just on
a par wi' all tha does!--but if ivver aw live to get hooam awl remember
thee for this! If mi mother knew shoo'd goa off'n her heead!"

Aw tuk hold ov his arm an' led him daan th' steps an' when he saw a
table full o' bottled ale he seemed a little moor reconciled. We wor
sooin off, but as sooin as th' booat began to roll Billy sed he'd goa
up stairs, so we went on deck. When aw saw th' stewards an' stewardesses
all grinnin' an' gettin' aght piles o' tin bowls an' buckets aw'd a
guess what it meant. A nastier neet it could hardly ha' been, for it wor
rainin' an' blowin' an' th' watter wor rougher nor aw'd ivver saw th'
Atlantic Ocean. Aw thowt aw wor a pratty gooid sailor misen, but aw wor
fain to let mi cigar goa aght. Billy had folded his arms raand a wire
rooap an' ther wor noa mistak he intended to stick. Aw crept up to him
in a bit, "Tha'rt varry quiet," aw sed, "what are ta thinkin' abaat?"

"Aw wor just thinkin' abaat that three quarters o' malt," he sed, "an' he
lained his heead ovver th' side soa as he could study undisturbed. Just
abaat that time it struck me'at aw'd heeard tell what a beautiful seet
it wor to watch th' waves all glittering wi phosphorus, soa aw lained
ovver to luk for it. Aw didn't see onny but that wom't my fault for aw
nivver lifted mi heead up except once or twice to see if Billy wor thear
an' aw saw he wor still studyin' abaat th' malt."

After abaat two haars o' scientific investigation o' that sooart, land,
whether foreign or native, wor varry acceptable. We had to pass ovver a
little bridge when we landed an' one chap took tickets an' another stood
to ax what yo wor. "Are you English?" he axed Billy.

"What's ta think, muleface!" he sed, an' as he let him pass aw suppooas
he wor satisfied'at he wor. We'd hauf an haar to wait for th' train to
Payris, an' Billy made straight for th' refreshment raam. "Ha does ta
feel?" aw sed.

"Aw all nowt, an' nivver should ha' done but for them mutton chops, an'
aw tell'd thi mi stummack wodn't stand sich muck. Aw wish aw wor back

"Awm pratty weel sick on it misen," aw says, "an' if tha's a mind we'll
goa straight back hooam."

"Nay, by-gow! aw've had enuff o' that booat-ridin' for to neet!"

After a dry biscuit an' a drop o' lemonade we gate into a comfortable
carriage, worn aght an' weary, we booath fell asleep. When we wakkened
th' sun wor shinin' an' we could see men an' wimmen at wark getherin'
in th' harvest, ivverything lukt cheerful an' bonny. Th' whistle
saanded an' th' train slackened speed an' we crept slowly into Payris at
hauf-past six o' one o' th' grandest mornins aw ivver remember. When
we gate aght o'th' station we lukt raan', wonderin' which way to goa to
seek lodgins.

"Nah, Billy," aw says, "this is Payris at last."

He lukt at th' graand, then at th' buildins all raand, then up at th'
sky, an' finished off wi' starin' at me.

"Well?" aw says.

"Why, it's nowt!"


[Illustration: 9035]

S we saw at ivverybody else'at had come bi th' same train wor runnin fit
to braik ther necks for fear they should'nt be able to find lodgins, an'
as awd heeard at th' city wor full we made a bit ov a rush. Billy walked
as briskly as if he'd been four stooan leeter, an' for owt aw know he
wor. "Aw pitie'd some o' th' fowk at wor on that booat," aw sed.

"Well, aw dooant pity them mich, for they need'nt ha been on unless they
liked, but aw did pity th' fish, for they'll be a sickly lot this mornin
aw should fancy," an' he fairly chuckled at th' nooation.

"Nah then, what sooart ov a spot mun we steer for? Had we better try
some quiet respectable shop or mun we goa in for a place right up to
Dick an' run th' risk o' what it costs?"

"Its noa use axin me; do whativver tha's a mind it'll be reight to me."

Just as we turned a corner aw saw a sign up 'Cafe' du nord,' an' on th'
winder wor painted i' big yollo letters, English spoken, this is th'
shop for us, aw says, if thers raam, soa aw went in an' Billy follered
an' a young woman at seemed as if shoo'd been dipped i' bacca-watter an'
dried in a hurry, coom to meet us--"Gooid mornin, Mistress," aw sed.

"Commyvoo portyvoo," shoo sed.

"Aw dooant parleyvoo, awm throo Yorksher; cannot yo spaik plain

"Jenny compronpa."

"Aw can mak' nowt o' this lot, Billy, if that's th' sooart o' English
they tawk here awst nivver be able to understand it."

"Come on an' lets leeav her, shoo's nooan reight in her heead! aw dooant
believe shoo knows what shoo's sayin.

"Shoo'll happen understand better if awm moor perlite--Have,

"Betroooom! Ha! wee! Chamberacostrah? wee, wee!"

"Nay awm nooan one o' that sooart aw want one to misen."

"Jenny compronpa."

"Jenny's noa need to come for if shoo's noa hansomer nor thee aw wod'nt
touch her wi' th' tangs!"

We wor just gooin aght when up comes a tallo faced chap at lukt as if
th' smell ov a cookshop wod'nt hurt him, so aw thowt awd have another
try--French this time,--"Parleyvoo English mouse ear." "Hi," he sed,
"what is it tha wants?"

"E'e! gow! lad! but awm fain to see thi. Are ta th' maister?"

"Hi, aw wish aw wornt; yo could'nt mak' my wife understand yo aw

"Is that her? well, ther's noa accaantin for taste--for aw should'nt
care for livin' i' this country at all if aw wor yo," aw sed, for awd
ommost made a mess on it, "can we have two beds for a few neets an' a
bit o' summat to ait if we want it?"

"Can we get summat to sup?" sed Billy, "awm ommost dried up."

"Caffy-o-lay? Bordoo? Bass's bottled ale, or owt yo like."

"Caffyolaybordoo be hanged! let's ha some ale," sed Billy, an' he sooin
browt two bottles, an' when he'd filled a glass Billy tuk it but he
nobbut just tasted on it an' put it daan agean.

"Is ther summat matter wi it?" sed th' maister.

"Nay, aw dooant know at ther is,--it nobbut wants a bit o' ginger an'
sewgar an' a pinch o' nutmug an' it'll mak' varry nice spiced drink. Do
yo allussell it warm like that?"

"Yo connat help it gettin warm in a country like this unless yo keep
it i' ice an' aw neer bother for ther's nubdy grummels, for they dooant
know th' difference--Its a hot shop is this aw can tell yo, an' yo'll be
luckier nor th' mooast if yo dooant find summat a deeal warmer nor that
befoor yo've been long."

"Well, but tha'rt an' Englishman an' owt to ha moor sense--why, when awm
brewin aw let it keel below that befoor aw set on."

"Tha says reight when tha says awm an' Englishman, at onnyrate awm a
Brummagem when awm at hooam, an' aw hooap it weant be long befoor awm
back. But what are we to get for yor braikfast?"

We ordered some coffee an' eggs an' a beefsteak an' wol we wor gettin
it, aw ax'd him ha it wor he seem'd soa dissatisfied wi th' place?

"Th' place ud do weel enuff if ther wor owt to be made at it, but ther
isnt hauf as monny fowk as what ther's accomodation for, aw've lost a
gooid bit o' brass sin aw coom an' if yo ax other fowk they'll tell yo
th' same tale."

When we'd finished he tuk us up a corkscrew staircase an' showed us two
raams--they wor cleean, thers noa denyin' that, an' they wor furnished,
after a fashion--part Parisian an' pairt Brummagem--aw should think what
wor in em booath had'nt been bowt for a penny less nor thirty shillin',
but ther wor white lace curtains up to th' winders an' they lukt varry
weel throo th' aghtside an' that wor all at mattered. We booath on us
wanted a wesh, an' on a little table we'd each on us a cream jug an'
sugar basin, an' we had to mak th' best on em; thear wor noa feear on
us sloppin' ony watter abaat, for if we had ther'd ha been nooan left.
After dippin' us finger ends in we rubbed us faces ovver an' tryin' to
believe at we wor a deeal better for th' trouble we started for a luk
raand aghtside. Aw thowt Billy lukt varry glum agean an' as he did'nt
offer to tell me th' reason aw axd him if ther wor owt'at had'nt suited

"Ther's nowt'at has suited me soa far, an' what's moor nor that ther's
net likely to be--an' to mend matters when aw come to luk i' mi box, awm
blessed if aw hav'nt come withaat a cleean shirt."

"Why," aw says, "ther's a shop across th' rooad at sells em soa tha can
easily mak that reight," soa we went inside an' aw tell'd him as plain
as iwer aw could spaik'at we wanted a shirt, an' aw pointed to his mucky
dicky. "Wee, wee," he sed, an' jabbered away, an' Billy tawked back to
him like a man, an' gave him sich a karacter i' broad Yorsher as awm
sewer he wod'nt want i' writin' if he wor lukkin aght for a fresh shop.
Th' ticket wor easy to read soa Billy paid him six francs an' walked
away wi it in a breet green paper box, an' we turned back to us lodgins
for him to put it on. He had'nt been up stairs long befoor aw thowt one
ov his bilious attacks had come on agean--"Sammy!" he bawled aght, "come
here!" soa aw went to see what wor to do.

"Luk thear! What does yond chap tak us for? Awm in a gooid mind to tak
this back an' shove it daan his throit! Is ther owt like a woman abaat
me, thinks ta?"

Thear it wor reight enuff, printed on th' box i' big letters, "Chemise."
"Well, he's varry likely made a mistak, here mistress!" aw sed as shoo
wor just passin th' door, "shirt--he wants a shirt an' they've seld him
a shift." Shoo lifted her e'e broos ommost to th' top ov her heead an'
lukt at th' box an' then shoo pointed to his dicky an' sed, "Chemise!
wee, wee."

"Shoo's war nor a guinea pig, wi her ivverlastin' 'wee wee,'" sed
Billy, an' he wor shuttin' th' box up agean but shoo coom up an' tuk it
aght an' awm blowed if it wornt a shirt after all. After that we decided
to goa to th' Exhibition an' spend th' furst day thear--but as Billy wor
detarmined net to walk an' wod call at ivvery shop'at had one o' Bass's
or Alsop's cards ith' winder it tuk us wol after dinnertime to get
thear, but it wornt after th' time'at we could do wi a dinner for all
that, but ther wor soa mich to see wol aitin seem'd ommost aght o' th'
question--even Billy, although he wor walkin up an daan oppen maath
seemed to ha forgetten to grow dry. They manage theas things better i'
France; (aw fancy aw've heeard that befoor) but although aw know awst
nivver be able to do justice to it, yet aw think aw owt to give yo as
gooid an' accaant as aw can. Well then to begin wi; we'll goa back a
little bit an' mak a fair start.

In a strange country mooast things luk strange an' ith' walk we'd had we
saw a deeal at capt us, but nowt moor surprisin' nor th' amaant o' ugly
wimmen. We'd come prepared to be dazzled wi female luvliness an' grand
dresses but ther wor nowt at sooart to see. Th' mooast on em wor dark
skinned--sharp een'd, podgy-bodied, dowdy-donned crayturs'at lukt varry
mich like wesherwimmen aght o' wark. Th' chaps wor better lukkin' bi
th' hauf, but Billy sed he thowt they'd luk better if they'd stop off
suppin' red ink an' get some gooid ale an' beef onto ther booans. But
ther's one thing'at aw dooant believe ony Frenchman can do, an' that is,
slouch along th' street wi his hands in his pockets like a thorough-bred
Yorksherman! Even them at's huggin looads o' boxes an' hampers o' ther
rig, (sich looads as a Yorksher chap ud stand an' luk at wol somdy went
an' fotched a horse an' cart,) trip away as if they'd somewhear to goa,
an' as if ther feet had been created to carry ther body an' net as if
it wor th' body at had been intended to trail th' feet after it. An' yet
someha or other, nubdy seemed to be in a hurry--th' street cars are run
thear to save th' trouble o' walkin', but ther seems to be noa idea o'
savin time. If a chap wants to ride he nivver thinks to wait wol a
car comes up to him, he walks on till he ovvertaks one. Th' cabs are a
little bit better as regards speed but aw could'nt help thinkin' at if
they'd give th' horses moor oats an' less whip it ud be better for all
sides. Aw nivver i' mi life heeard owt like th' whipcrackin' at wor
to be heeard ith' busy streets, it reminded me o' nowt soa mich as th'
fourth o' July in America; ivvery driver wor alike an' ther whips
went wi as mich regilarity as a wayver's pickin' stick. To us it wor
a newsance an' for th' chaps it must ha been hard wark but th' horses
did'nt seem to tak ony nooatice--but if they give'em plenty o' whip aw
dooant think they oft kill'em wi wark, for we passed monny a team o' six
or eight mucky lukkin' grays, big booaned an' ill tended an' wi heeads
on'em like soa monny churns turned th' wrang end up, at wor walkin' i'
single file an' suppooased to be draggin' a waggon wi a looad ov abaat
hauf a tun. Ther wor noa shops or buildins'at had owt abaat'em to admire
an' aw must confess aw felt a trifle disappointed, but aw wor detarmined
net to show it, for Billy had curled up his nooas when he started aght
an' if he did spaik at all it wor allusth' same strain o' regret for
what he'd left, an' contempt for all he'd fun.

This wornt varry mich to be wondered at, as we discovered next day'at
we'd been trailin abaat throo all th' back slums an' had nivver once
getten onto th' reight track, an' it wor moor bi gooid luck nor gooid
management at we ivver fan th' exhibition buildin' at all, but when we
did, even Billy could'nt grummel. It wor a queer feelin at coom ovver me
when aw went in. Aw seemed to sink into insignificance all at once, an'
aw could'nt help thinkin' at ther wor happen moor trewth i' what awr
Mally had tell'd me nor awd felt inclined to admit,--Aw could see at
Billy wor as mich capt as me for he walked a yard or two an' then stopt
to turn raand, an' his een lukt fairly to be startin' aght ov his heead,
an' his lower jaw hung onto his shirt as if th' back hinge ov his face
had brokken. "Nah," aw says, "what does ta think abaat this? will this
do for thi?" but he nobbut gave me a luk an' withaat spaikin' went a
yard or two farther an' turned raand agean. After a while we gained th'
oppen air agean an' then we sat daan whear we could have a view o' th'
watter fall an faantens. "This is grand," aw sed.

"Tha says reight for once, an'to tell th' plain trewth nah, awm nooan
sooary aw've come, for it'll fit me to tawk abaat for monny a year."

"Well, awm glad tha's fun summat to suit thi an' aw think tha will be
suited befoor we've done; for th' buildin' we've come throo is varry
little moor nor th' gateway to a show at occupies 140 acres. Aw dooant
think we've owt i' England to equal that!"

"Now!--Bith' heart! Sammy; if a chap could nobbut get that buildin' at
a easy rent, an' start it as a brewery it ud lick owt o' th' sooart we
have! Tha sees ther's plenty o' gooid watter--yo could pile yor barrels
up ith' centre thear--therms plenty o' raam for th' waggons to goa in
an' aght--th' brewin plant could be fixed at this end--th' malt an' hops
could be kept i' one o' them steeples, an' th' grains could be shot
aght o' that winder. It mud ha been built for it. It nobbut wants them
moniments an' gim-cracks clearin aght, an' it could be made to do i' noa
time ommost.

"Well, Sammy aw must say awm fain aw've come, an if tha's a mind, we'll
get aght o' th' sun an' see if we can get summat to sup, but we will'nt
have ale this time; aw dooant feel to care soa mich abaat it just nah.
If tha's nowt agean it we'll join at one o' them bottles o' red ink; it
can nobbut pooisen us'schews ha."

Aw felt soa mad wol aw could'nt help wishin' at it wod pooisen him for
aw thowt he desarved it. We went to a bonny little place whear aw saw
some bottles an' glasses, aw dooant know what to call it, but it wor
a sooart ov a goa between a public haase an' a summer haase, an' aw
managed to mak' a bonny young lass understand what we wanted, an' shoo
sarved us wi a smilin' face an' as mich curtseyin' as if we'd gooan to
ax abaat th' vallyation, an' when aw held aght a handful o' silver for
her to tak pay aght on, shoo nobbut tuk one French shillin, an' yo
can buy em at tuppence apiece less nor awrs. We thowt that wor bein'
gentlemen at a varry cheap rate. Yo may hardly believe it, but aw've
paid three times as mich for stuff'at has'nt been hauf as gooid,--"Aw
call this reasonable," aw says.

"Cheap as muck," sed Billy, "its worth that mich to see a bonny lass
like that--tha sees shoo's like a lady an' shoo knows manners too. Its a
thaasand pities at shoo connot tawk gradely English."

"It is; shoo's to be pitied for that. English fowk have a deeal to
be thankful for, but happen shoo's satisfied, for shoo'll be able to
understand other fowk."

"Tha munnat tell me at a lass like yond can ivver be satisfied wi a lot
o' gabberin' fowk at cant tawk soas to be understood, shoo's like yond
buildin' we've just come throo, shoo owt to be put to a better purpose.
A'a! what a brewus yond wod mak'!"

"Well, tha knows we've all noations ov us own, an' aw connot agree wi
thee thear. Tha seems to care nowt abaat art, all tha thinks on is ale."

"Well, did ta ivver know onnybody at filled ther belly o' art? Nah aw've
known monny a one do it wi ale. That's th' way to luk at it."

"It's thy way but it is'nt mine, but as time's gooin on lets goa into
th' place whear all theas wonderful things are to be seen."

"Goa thi ways, for thar't th' mooast restless chap aw ivver knew, tha'rt
like a worm on a whut backstun, an' if tha gets into a comfortable
corner tha will'nt stop. It's nice an' cooil here, but awst be sweltered
i' th' sunshine. If th' weather's owt like this at hooam it'll play the
hangment wi yond galcar."

Awm net gooin to say mich abaat th' Exhibition for one or two
reasons--furst is aw think it's been a deeal better done bi somdy else,
an' second, it'll tak up soa mich time, an' ther's net monny fowk at
has'nt seen one, an' they're all mackley--Its enuff to say at this
licks all at's gooan befoor it, an' 'at noa Englishman had ony need to
shame for his country, an' nubdy had moor cause for pride nor Yorksher
fowk. We roamed abaat for an' haar or two but feastin' one's een does'nt
satisfy th' stummack, an' soa aw hinted at we should goa to th' English
buffet whear my guide book sed we could get owt we wanted to ait an'
find fowk at could tawk English. As sooin as aw mentioned it Billy sed
he cared nowt for a buffet, he'd a deeal rayther have a arm cheer, but
when aw explained what it wor he wor ready enuff to goa. Awd been warned
befoor aw coom abaat extortion an' roagery an' tell'd what awful charges
they made for simple things, but aw meant havin summat daycent to ait
whativver it cost--soa we sat daan an' ordered soop, an' a plate o' rost
beef an' puttates, an' some roily polly puddin for a start, an' we thowt
if that wornt enuff, we'd ax if they could give us a plate o' pie. We
sooin gate throo th' soop, but we sat a long time waitin' for th'
rost beef to follow. Next to Billy wor a Frenchman an' his wife,--(aw
sup-pooas Frenchmen have wives sometimes,)--an' one o' th' waiters browt
him a nice plate o' boiled chicken, soa we thowt, but he didnt seem
to tak onny noatice on it but went on wi his tawkin--Billy kept lukkin
first at him an' then at th' plate an' at last he turned to me an' says,
"This chap doesnt seem hungry an' its a pity to see this gooin cold," soa
he shifted th' plate an' began to wire in. It did'nt tak him aboon three
minutes to finish th' lot an' he passed back th' empty plate,--an' just
then th' waiter coom wi awr rost beef. We'd just getten fairly started
when th' Frenchman turned raand to begin, an' when he saw th' plate wi
nowt on it he lukt as if he could ha swallered them at had swallered
his dinner, an' he called for th' waiter an' be th' way he shaated an'
shrugged his shoolders it wor plain to be seen'at he wor lettin somdy
have it hot, but that did'nt affect Billy for he wor cooil enough an'
stuck to his mark like a brick, but this Frenchman wor detarmined net to
let it drop soa easily, an' he stormed an' raved as if he'd been robbed
ov a pop-ticket, "Whats to do wi this cranky fooil," sed Billy?

Th' waiter could spaik English an' he says, "This gentleman says that he
has had nothing to eat and he wont pay, and I am certain I brought him a
dish of stewed frogs, and now he wants to declare he's never seen them!"

Billy's face went as white as mi hat, an' he dropt his knife an' fork,
"Nah, aw've done it!" he sed, spaikin' to me, "awst be pooisened, aw know
aw shall! It's all thy fault an' tha'll ha to answer for it."

"Awd nowt to do wi it, tha should let stuff alooan at doesnt belang to
thi; but ha did they taste?"

"Aw thowt awd nivver had owt as grand i' mi life an' aw wor meeanin to
have another plate but nah at aw know what it wor awd rayther ha gien a
fiver nor ha touched sich-like powse. Tha mun promise me nivver to tell
when we get back, or else they'll plague me abaat it as long as they've
a day to live."

He seemed to ha lost his appetite after this, but aw stuck to mi corner
an' made a rattlin dinner an' when awd to pay, an' it wor nobbut two
franks an' a hauf (that's little moor nor two bob,) aw felt varry mich
inclined to ax em if they could let us have a bed for th' neet, an then
awd send for awr Mally an' live thear for six months, for awm sewer
aw could'nt live as cheap at hooam. Then we went to have a luk at th'
picturs, an' aw felt praader nor ivver as aw went throo th' English
gallery--it wor grand! but ther wor others at wor ommost as gooid.

Ther wor a lot o' gooid paintins i' th' French gallery, an' it towt me
th' meanin o' what fowk call 'poor art,' for th' French art is too poor
to find clooas for th' men an' wimmen they paint, for throo one end o'
th' raam to t'other it lukt like nowt as mich as a empty swimmin bath
whear a craad o' wimmin, three rows deep, wor waitin' for th' watter
to come in. Billy pooled a handful o' copper aght ov his pocket an'
reckoned to be thrang caantin it, wol he gat aghtside, for he could'nt
fashion to luk up, an' aw felt thankful at Mally wor at hooam. Awve noa
daat ther wor a deeal o' beauty at we missed, an' a deeal o' things'at
wor varry trew to natur but its possible for trewth to be too bare-faced
at times. It had getten farish on ith' day when we coom aght, dazed and
maddled wi th' wonders'at we'd seen, (an' we had'nt seen a quarter o'
what wor thear) an' we felt at a cup o' teah, wod'nt do us ony harm soa
we started off for us lodgins.

Billy sed he'd had enough o' walkin' an' he wod'nt stir another peg till
we gat a cab, soa aw put up mi finger an' one coom. Aw tried all
th' French aw knew an' a gooid deeal o' th' English but he could'nt
understand a word, soa aw wrate th' name o' th' place an' th' name o'
th' street on a card an' gave it him an' he grinned like a Cheshire cat
an' started off. It wor then we began to find aght what Payris wor like.
We went throo one big archway at they call Arc de Triomphe de'Etoile,
an' it fairly made us tremmel. Aw lukt at mi guide book, (an' yo can do
th' same if yo have one,) an' gat to know all abaat it, an' what it had
cost; aw cant say'at it seems varry useful but its varry ornamental. We
rattled on throo bustlin streets whear th' shops wor palaces, an' ther
wor soa mich to tak us fancy at we tuk noa noatice o' th' cab chap
wol he pooled up suddenly ith' front ov a arched passage an' coom an'
oppened th' door an' pointin to th' haase he mooationed us to get
aght. But it wom't th' reight shop! 'Café du Nord,' wor printed up an
'Manchester House,' wor on a big sign an' 'English spoken,' wor i' big
gold letters on th' winders but it wor nawther th' same place nor th'
same street at we'd left ith' mornin. Aw gat aght to mak enquiries but
Billy wod'nt stir. "Arnt ta baan to get aght?" aw sed.

"Awst stir nooan wol yo find th' reight shop, awm varry comfortable

Aw did'nt feel varry comfortable, but aw went inside to mak a few
enquiries, but they mud as weel ha been Objibberaway Indians for ony
sense aw could mak on em, they did plenty o' bowin an' scrapin an'
hutchin up o' ther shoolders but that did'nt help me ony, soa aw gate
hold o' one chap bi th' collar an' tuk him an' planted him opposite th'
words 'English Spoken,' an' aw says, "Nah then, can ta read that?" "Wee,
wee," he sed an' off he set, an' aw lukt for th' cab an' Billy but awd
hard wark to find 'it for ther wor a craad o' fowk gethered raand an'
th' driver wor stampin an' ravin away at Billy wol he fair fooamed
at th' maath, an' aw felt thankful just then'at aw did'nt understand
French, for my belief is at he wornt prayin for him to get aght but
swearin at him for stoppin in, but Billy wor lainin back smookin a
cigar an' seemed to be enjoyin it. "Sacrey mon dew!" he shaated at him.
"Sacrey thisen, if tha wants," sed Billy, "awst nooan stir aght o' this
wol tha finds th' reight shop; if tha connot find it awm sewer aw connot
an' aw've trailed abaat wol awm stall'd."

But, for a blessin, th' chap at awd had hold on, coom back an' browt a
lass wi him, one at aw sup-pooas wor kept o' purpose for th' job, an'
as shoo happened to know as mich English as aw did French we gate on
famously. At last aw bethowt me o' th' railway station an' that shoo
seemed to understand, an' shoo tell'd th' driver summat, but he seemed
to think he'd had enuff on us, but aw shoved him o' one side an' set
daan along-side Billy, an' as he could see noa way else aght on it, he
jumpt on th' dicky an' tuk his revenge aght o' th' horse. Be-foor he gat
us to th' station aw saw th' haase we wor seekin soa aw stopt him, an'
we gat aght, an' as we gave him double his fare he gave us a flourishin'
salute an drave off. As aw wor gooin in at th' door Billy pooled me back
an' pointed to two little childer abaat eight year old an' he laft wol
he could'nt spaik for ivver so long, "He, he, he, ho! did ta ivver come
across owt like that? Tha mun tell Mally abaat that when tha gets hooam
for it licks all! Why even th' bits o' childer can tawk French!" an' it
wor true too, tho' when aw coom to consider abaat it aw did'nt see owt
soa varry wonderful in it after all.

A cup o' teah an' a walk to th' railway station whear we gat a gooid
wesh for a penny, freshened us up a bit an' we prepared to spend th'
furst neet i' Payris th' same as mooast fowk do; that is, we started
aght i' hoaps at we should see summat at we should condemn after we'd
seen it, an' deplore th' existence ov th' varry things at form th'
principal attraction for nine aght o' ivvery ten at pay a visit to
th' finest city ith' world, whear gaiety flooats ovver th' surface o'
ivverything an' th' cankerin sorrow is busy deep ith' heart.=

```A sorrowing heart ne'er seems as sad

````As when'midst gaiety;

```You see beneath the flimsy veil,

````Its writhing misery.=

```The apple with the golden rind,

````The greedy eye gloats o'er,

```But then, alas,'tis sad to find

````Dry ashes at its core.=

```The smiling face, the beaming eye.

````The soft and snowy skin;

```Turns pleasure into horror when

````We find all black within.=

```Better the humblest face and form.

````If virtue dwells therein;

```Than all the beauties that adorn

````The inward heart of sin.=

[Illustration: 0053]

[Illustration: 0054]


[Illustration: 9054]

OULEVARD des Italiens;--aw copied that off a gas-lamp. It's a grand
saandin name but it is'nt hauf as grand as th' street, (for it is nobbut
a street after all.)

When Billy an' me turned aght we lukt as spruce as two new scraped
carrots, an' we walked along th' street like as if we'd just come into
one fortun an' wor expectin another. It wor a lively lukkin seet, varry
nearly ivvery other door wor a Cafe or a resterant or a saloon, an' ith'
front on'em all wor little tables an' cheers an' chaps wor sittin an'
chattin an' laffin just as if they'd been i' ther own hooams, an' ther
wor one thing at aw could'nt but admire an' that wor,'at they had ther
wives an' ther sisters an' ther dowters wi'em, an' altho' we could'nt
tell owt they sed, it wor easy to tell at they wor all enjoyin thersen.
We walked along, starin at all abaat us, for ther wor a deeal at wor
strange to us. Th' gas-lamps all seemed to grow aght o' sentry boxes,
an' they wor leeted up like lanterns an' wor turned into newspaper or
cigar shops, an' th' leets throo th' winders made all seem as breet as
day ommost. Even Billy seemed satisfied wi it.

But we sooin gat to whear it wor breeter still, an' lukkin up at th'
corner ov a buildin' aw saw we'd getten to th' Champs Elysees, an' what
th' Elysees is, is unknown to me, but thaasands o' gas jets wor blazing
away an' thaasands o' fowk wor sittin enjoyin ther drink an' ther smook
or strollin on, chattin an' laffin, as if th' world an' them wor
varry gooid friends. We went wi th' stream an' sooin fan ussen i' th'
Tuileries Gardens, whear bands o' music wor playin an' th' faantens wor
workin, an' th' lamps wor moor plentiful nor ivver. Aw wor enjoyin misen
furst rate, an' aw knew Billy must be for he'd nivver grummeld once an'
he wor soa takken up wi things abaat him wol he'd forgetten to get dry,
an' it wornt until aw wanted a leek on misen'at he bethowt him he'd a
maath. It wor strange to me to see him suppin his caffy-o-'lay, (yo see
awm leearnin French) asteead ov his pint o' ale, an' aw tell'd him soa,
"When yo're i' Rum yo mun do as th' Rummens do," he sed, "an' aw dooant
think at th' ale is quite as gooid here as it wor at hooam!" We strolled
on until we saw summat breeter an' moor glitterin nor all else an' we
made for that. Aw thowt it wor a triumphal arch'at had been put up for
some famous chap to goa throo, an' aw straitened mi shirt collar an'
shooldered mi umberel an' walked wi as mich dignity as aw could, but it
wor noa use jfor we had to pay to goa in. A'a! but it wor a grand spot!
It wor unlike owt awd ivver seen befoor! aw've heeard fowk tawk abaat
fairy land, but fairy land wor a fooil to it--faantens an' flaars an'
coloured lamps ivverywhear an' ith' middle on it all wor a stage for
doncin, an' a band o' mewsic. As we wor lukkin at it a chap comes up
an' says, "Billy, Billy," an aw nivver saw Billy luk as capt i' mi life.
"Tha knows mi name," he sed, "but awm blessed if aw can tell whear aw've
met thi befoor," an' he held aght his hand to shake hands wi him an'
as sooin as he did this, th' chap shoved him a ticket into it an' stood
waitin' Aw saw ther wor a mistak somewhear, soa aw tuk one an' gave
th' chap a franc an' he left us, an' then aw saw at they wer nobbut
programmes for th' Jardin Mabille. Th' music struck up, th' doncin stage
wor sooin full o' fowk, (an' some o' th' grandest young wimmen aw ivver
saw i' mi life; nay, they lukt ommost too grand for owt but angels,) an'
ther wor hundreds standin raand to watch'em, an' Billy an' me wor ith'
front row. It wor a dazzlin seet, one aw shall nivver forget, but one
such as aw hooap nivver to see agean. Aw dooant believe th' pen's been
made yet at i' th' cliverest hand could tell what that wor like. It wor
indescribable! an' aw may as well let it pass withaat makkin an' attempt
at it; but if all th' fiends i' Hell had stown heavenly shapes an'
played such shameless pranks, Satan wod ha turned away an' blushed for
em. An' yet, this wor done ith' front o' weel dressed men an'
wimmen, some on'em wi ther sons an' dowters standin by,--young, an'
innocent;--will ther innocence aghtlive ther youth? Awm feeard net.
An' soa that's what all theas blazin leets an' flaars an' faantens an'
temples is for. A glitterin frame to a filthy picter! a string o' jewels
to hide a festerin sooar! hide! did aw say? Nay, net soa! but to deck;
an' bi that means to thrust th' looathsum cancer in yer face an'
seek for admiration, an' applause for that which makes ivvery drop o'
virtuous blooid i' yor body stop in its coarse an' hurry back to th'
inmost chamber o' yor heart to mourn ovver th' deeath o' ther sister,

We stopt wol we thowt we'd seen enuff (aw thowt we'd seen too mich,)
an' then we turned to-ward's 'Hooam, Sweet Hooam,' (tho' yo can cut
th' middle word aght an' net loise mich o' th' trewth,) an' when we gat
thear we pyked off to us beds, rare an' fain'at we'd beds to goa to,
for we wor just abaat done up. Aw slept varry weel considerin', tho'
aw dreamt a gooid bit, an' mi dreams worn't as pleasant as aw could ha
liked em, for all th' neet long aw fancied at aw wor runnin' as hard as
aw could to get aght o' th' gate o' awr Mally, an' shoo wor after me wi
th' pooaker i' one hand to knock me daan, an' th' bellus ith' tother
to blow me up, an' fowk a booath sides wor scageift me wi ladies heigh
heeld booits, silk stockin's an' stuff, an' when aw wakkened aw
wor thankful to find at aw wor at a safe distance throo em all, an'
especially Mally. But ther wor a fearful row gooin on i' th' next raam
to mine, an' aw wor a bit befoor aw could reight reckon it up, but when
aw bethowt me at that wor whear Billy slept, aw jumpt aght o' bed as if
ther'd been a whut cinder under me an' flew to see what wor to do. It
wor a rare gooid job aw went, for if aw had'nt, one o' them two wod ha
been tried for manslufter, an' it wod'nt ha been Billy. Nah, awve monny
a time nooaticed what an' amaant o' courage ther is in a pair o' booits
an' a pair o' britches, for aw nivver yet met a brave man when in his
shirt an nowt else--let a chap have his booits an' his britches on, an'
he'll run th' risk o' havin' a bullet sent throo his heead or his heart,
but ther's net monny at'll goa bare fooit an' run th' risk o' havin'
ther corns trodden on. Well, when aw jumpt aght o' th' arms o' Morpheus,
aw did'nt stop to put owt on, an' when aw gate into th' next hoil an'
went daan onto mi knees to seperate Billy an' another chap, aw lukt
varry mich like what th' infant Sammywell wod ha lukt like at my age if
they'd dressed him ith' same fashion as aw've allusseen him pictured in
as a child. Nah, ther's an' owd sayin' at one Englishman is equal to
two Frenchmen at ony time--but like a lot moor o' th' old sayins it
isnt true, for there are times when one Frenchman can bother a couple o'
Yorkshermen, (an' they're English if onybody is,) an' this happened to
be a case in point; an' ther's noa daat he'd ha lickt us booath if he'd
takken us booath at once, but when aw started o' him he left Billy an'
stuck to me, an' as we wor rollin' on th' floor Billy lukt aght for a
chonce, an' sat him daan fair on his shirt front, an' that settled him.
If he'd been seized wi th' neet-mare he wod'nt ha been hauf as helpless,
as he wor under Billy's horse weight. My ovver coit (aw call it ovver
coit for it wor all aw had ovver me, an' nah it wor all ovver wi it,)
hung raand me like strings o' tape, an' aw borrowed a sheet off Billy's
bed to wind raand me, tho' aw did'nt like th' idea ov a windin' sheet;
but Mally's allusdrilled noations o' daycency into me, an' aw knew
shoo'd forgie me a deeal sooiner for gooin to th' Exhibition nor for
makkin one. When Billy had getten his puff, (an' bi that time th' chap
he wor sittin on had lost his,) he began to explain matters. "What does
ta think?" he sed, "when aw wor asleep i' bed this mornin', this black
muzzled, Kay-legged Payris chap coom into my raam, an' when aw wakkened
up he wor marchin away wi mi britches, an' all mi brass is ith' pockets,
an' when aw lawped aght o' bed to stop him he grinned an' gabbered away
as mich as to say at awd promised to give em him th' neet coom on drest
to represent Liberty--republican liberty aw mean,--an' shoo shaated
an' yell'd an' threw hersen into shapes, an' waved a flag abaat, an'
altogether kickt up sich a row,'at th' fowk all began to shaat an' yell
an' wave ther caps abaat as if they wor goin wrang i' ther heeads, (if
sich heeads can,) an' when shoo'd done they kept up sich a hullaballoo
wol shoo coom back agean for a oncoor, but we'd had enough soa we pyked
aght as quietly as we could an' wended us way hooam. We bid one another
'gooid neet,' an' wor sooin i' bed, net sooary to know at it ud be Sundy
ith' mornin."

[Illustration: 0061]


[Illustration: 9061]

VEN i' Payris day seems to braik moor softly o' th' Sabbath nor ony
other day i' th' wick, an' th' burds tune ther throats to a mellower
nooat, an' th' sun seems to kiss old mother Eearth moor lovingly,
an' th' trees wave ther branches wi' a slower, statelier nod, as they
whisper to each other an' to ivverything araand, "It s Sunday." It may
nobbut be a fancy, but it's one o' them fancies aw favor, an' i' th'
time o' bits o' upsets an' bother, (an' aw get mi' share same as th'
rest o' fowk,) aw fall back o' that inner chaymer whear aw've stoored
up pleasant memories an fond con-caits an' find a comfort i' livin for a
while amang mi fancies an' mi follies. When aw gat daan to mi braikfast
Billy wor waitin', an' aw could see'at Sundy made a difference even to
him. His shirt neck lukt stiffer, an' he'd put a extra dooas o' tutty on
his top-pin', an' he'd treated hissen to a shave for th furst time sin
he'd left hooam, an' when he bid me gooid clothes early in the morning
an' brush them and bring them back, he's the valet de chambre.

"Aw want nawther hills nor vallies i' my chaymer an' if awd been i' mi
own haase awst ha gien him his mornin's fisick aglri ov a blunderbus,
an' he'd nivver come for a second dooas. But aw should feel varry mich
obleeged to yo if yo'd order theas fowk aght o' this hoil, th' wimmen
espescially, an' then if ther's owt wrang, as sooin as awm weshed an'
donned awst be ready to answer for it."

"Oh, that's no matter," he sed, "the women here think nothing about it."

"Happen net,--but that's noa reason aw should'nt." Soa th' maister
turned raand an' tell'd em all ha ther'd been a mistak an' after laffin
a bit, they pitied us an' coom to stroke us daan as if we'd been a
couple o' cannibals at had swollered a missionary in a mistak', an' wor
to be sympathised wi, becoss we knew noa better. An' if Billy had been
a cannibal he could'nt ha been moor savage nor he wor when one old woman
wi a face like a dried caah blether, went an' shoved her maath under his
nooas an' gave him sich a dooas o' onions'at that an' a bit o' liver wod
ha done for his braik-fast.

Th' maister made us understand at it ud be better to give em a trifle
just to save ony bother, soa Billy gate his britches an' pooled aght a
handful o' silver an' held it for him to help hissen, but he nobbut tuk
aght one france an' gave it to one o' th' police'at awd fancied wor a
sodger, an' he held it up for em all to see, an' they went aght smilin
an' makkin bows an' droppin curtsey's as if we wor kings.--Thinks aw, a
little brass gooas a long way here, for if yod to give a shillin to two
chaps at hooam, one on em ud be sewer to turn raand an ax if yo intended
that for em booath.

We made a hearty braikfast after all wor squared up an' then we began
to plan ha to spend th' day, just then th' pooastman coom in an' after
starin at me for a minit, he gave me a letter--When aw saw th' envelop
aw did'nt wonder at him lukkin a bit hard at me, for it wor throo Mally
an' shoo's a way ov her own wi mooast things, an' as shoo knew at
Sammywell Grimes' wor English, an' varry likely could'nt be understood
bi forriners, shoo'd cut mi pictur off th' back o' one o' th' "Seets i'
Lundun," an' pasted it on, an' had written undernaith

"Public Haase,


[Illustration: 0064]



Deer Sammywell.

If tha doesnt get this letter be sewer an' rite to let me know as awm
nooan fond o' wastin mi time penkin ower a piece a papper all for nowt
an' if tha does get it tha need'nt bother to let me know for awm ommost
at mi wits end an' fowks cryin shame on thi for leeavin me as tha does
an' aw've had nowt to ait nobbut a cup o' teah sin tha left except a
beefsteak an' a box o' pills an' ha they'll do for me aw connot tell yet
but awl let thi know next letter an' tha mun tell me iwerything tha does
an' says for awve had a nasty dream abaat thi an' aw fancied tha wor
an' angel an' aw dooant want thi to fly away an' leeav me befoor tha's
settled thi club'at should o' been paid last wick an' awr Hepsaba says
at they'll happen present thi wi a legion o' horror an' if they do aw
want thi to leeav it behind for we've lots o' flaysom stuff here already
an' black clocks creeps abaat wi as mich cheek as if it wor them at paid
th' rent an' we're swarmin wi flees noa moor at present soa tak care
o' thi umberel an' be careful for tha knows what aw meean for tha'rt
a gronfather an aw believe awr Hepsaba's child is gooin to have th'
meeasles wi kind love noa moor at present Billy's mother is ommost ranty
abaat him for th' last brewin is soa waik wol it will'nt run aght o' th'
barrel an soa noa moor at present--=

```A'a Sammywell ha can ta fashun

```To leav thi wife i' this here fashion

```When tha owt to be at hooam mindin thi wark.

```But aw believe tha wor nivver fond o' wark.=

Nah tha sees aw can rite as weel as thee an' if ther isnt as mich poetry
in it thers a deeal moor sense in it nor ther is ith' mooast o' thine
soa noa moor at present An' aw remane

Thi lawful wife an' dooant forget it

Mally Grimes.

A'a! shoos th' same old lass as ivver shoo wor an' wi all her faults aw
love her still. "Nah Billy, whear are we to steer to to-day? What says
ta if we goa an' have a luk at th' Tuileries for they tell me at its a
grand spot?"

"Aw care nowt abaat it! Aw wish we wor gooin back hooam for aw call this
a waste o' booath time an' brass."

"Oh, tha'll begin to enjoy thisen nah an' awm sewer tha luks better an'
aw hav'nt heeard thi say owt abaat bein bilious sin yesterdy mornin."

"Bilious! Who th' duce does ta think can be bilious in a country like
this? Ther's nowt to get bilious on!"

"Awm sewar tha's seemd to enjoy thisen as far as aitin an' drinkin's
consarned, happen tha'd like a bottle o' ale befoor we start off?"

"Nay aw want noa ale. Aw dooant fancy it here th' same as when awm
at hooam. Aw wonder ha mi poor mother's gettin on. Ther's that three
quarters o' malt, an' here am aw payin soa mich a day for hallockin mi
time away dooin nowt; but let's start off for if ther's owt to see we
may as weel be lukkin."

It wor a grand mornin, th' sky wor a breeter blue nor awd ivver seen it
an' as we walked on th' river side all wor gay an' bustlin, an' th' air
wor soa pure an' sweet wol it made us booath feel leeter, an' altho' it
wor varry whut it did'nt seem to weary us. Th' Tooileries, (yo can buy
a pictur on em for a penny,) aw shall'nt forget em in a hurry, we walked
raand em but it ud ha killed th' best pairt ov a day to ha done em
justice, pairt on em wor still standin up, blackened ruins, a monument
grim an' ghastly to testify to th' blind fury ov a lot o' misguided
fanatics at had escaped aght o' th' harness ov law's authority, an' to
gratify ther unreasonin desires for destruction, wrecked beauties, at
nawther ther brains nor ther purses had ever helpt to raise, an' left
as a legacy to others, th' cost an' th' labor to patch up, an' as far as
can be, replace what their senseless rage had destroyed, an' to try to
blot aght th' black stain,'at an' insane mob had left on the blooid red
page ov th' darkest day throo which fair France has passed.

We went throo th' Louvre next, an' if Payris could booast nowt else it
could still hold up its heead an' be praad;--even Billy wor varry quiet
as we went throo one gallery after another, an' aw must confess'at aw
wornt sooary when we gate aght for ther wor soa mich to dazzle one wol
th' pleasur wor painful. Just as we turned th' corner, Billy clapt his
hand o' mi shoolder an' browt us booath to a deead stand--"Sithee! by
gum! did ta ivver see sich a oonion as that i' thi life?"

Aw lukt, an' reight enuff it wor a queer object at wor anent us, an'
it did'nt luk mich unlike a monster oonion th' wrang end up, an' as it
sway'd throo side to side it lukt like th' dome o' St. Paul's on th'
rant, "Why," aw says, "that's th' baloon! What says ta if we have a

"Whear too?"

"Up ith' air an' daan agean."

"But what better shall we be when we get daan agean?"

"When we goa up we shall be able to see all ovver Payris at once, an'
it'll be a grand seet."

"Will it!--Well if tha thinks awve come here to mak as big a fooil o'
misen as tha art, thart mistakken if tha wants to goa sky-larkin tha
can goa, but if awve ony larks awl have em o' th' graand."

"Well, Billy, aw nivver thowt tha'd be flaid ov a bit ov a thing like
that, aw gave thi credit for moor pluck."

"Pluck! does ta think at aw've kept a aleus at th' moorend all theas
years withaat pluck? Ther's moor pluck i' my little finger nor ther is
ith' whooal carcase ov a played-aght-old-poverty-knocker like thee, an'
if aw tak a fancy to goa up to th' mooin, aw shall goa!"

We'd to pay a franc to get into th' square whear it wor, an' then it wor
20 francs to have a ride, "ray-ther a heigh price," aw sed to Billy.

"Well its happen a heigh journey," he sed, "but awst want to have a
gooid luk at it befoor aw ventur, net at aw care owt abaat it whether
its safe or net, but just to see ha its contrived for commin daan. Well,
aw do wonder what they'll do next! ther's engines here big enuff to work
a factory, an' a rooap thick enuff to tug th' Great Eastern an' as mich
clooath used to mak that gurt bag as ud ha supplied ivvery poor body i'
Payris wi a new suit, an' as mich gas to fill it as ud sarve my aleus
for aw dooant know ha long; an' ther's as monny sailors to attend to it,
as John de Morgan can find sixpences ith' collectin' box, an' its all
for what? Nowt i' this world but to suit a lot o' strackle-brained
fooils at'll be just as wise, or less, after they've come daan as they
wor befoor they went up."

But i' spite o' all he had to say he meant gooin up, aw could see; net
at he wanted, an' net becoss he'd noa fear abaat it, but just on accaant
o' me havin spokken as aw did, an' rayther nor be thowt to be short o'
pluck, he'd ha gooan up if he'd felt sewer he'd nivver ha come, daan.
Aw cant say'at aw felt varry mich up on it, but aw wornt gooin to give
Billy th' chonce to crow ovver me, soa we went to th' little office an
bowt a ticket apiece an' wor sooin stood up amang a scoor moor in a big
raand mahogny tub'at they called a car. Th' time coom for us to be off
an' after as mich bustle an' shaatin as if we wor gooin to th' north
powl, th' captain,--(Aw suppooas he'd be a captain;)--sed, "Now we're
off!" in as plain English as aw ivver heeard. But aw did'nt see'at we
wor gooin up at all, for we did'nt seem to stir, but when Billy lukt
ovver th' edge he turned to me an' says, "E'e'gow! lad, th' world's
tummelin!" An' that wor just like what it seemed like, for asteead o' us
seemin to be leeavin th' world, th' world seemed to be leeavin us.

Well, it wor a wonderful seet reight enuff; but when we'd getten to th'
end ov th' journey, an had mustered courage enuff to have a gooid stare
raand, Payris nobbut lukt a littlish spot compared wi all we could see
beyond it. A chap'at acted as guide gave a lectur, an' pointed aght
ivverything worth noatice, but as it wor all i' French it wor Dutch to
Billy an' me. We coom daan as gently as we'd gooan up, an' aw fancied
at we all seemed in a bigger hurry to get aght nor we'd been to get
in--When we stud once agean o' solid graand Billy stamped on it to mak
sewer at it did'nt shake an' findin it as firm as usual he turned to me,
"Well, what does ta think on it?"

"Why, awm glad we've been up," aw sed, "for it 'll be summat for us to
tawk abaat."

"Eeah, but awm glad we've come daan, for if we had'nt ther'd ha been
summat moor to tawk abaat, an' ony chap at'll goa up i' that consarn
aboon once, unless he's weel paid for it, owt to stop up. Sup-pooas th'
rooaps had brokken whear should we ha stopt thinks ta? Happen ha gooan
up an' up wol we'd struck bang agean th' top an' had to stick thear!
It's what aw call flyin ith' face o' Providence an' its a thing'at owt
to be stopt."

"Whear shall we goa next; suppooas we try Notter dame."

"Try who tha likes if they sell a daycent article."

"Aw wornt meeanin owt to ait an' drink, aw meant a famous church'at ther

"Suit thisen, but awst nooan caar long to hear th' New Testyment made a
fooil on."

We walked daan th' river side an' grand it wor--th' watter is a deeal
cleaner nor th' Thames, but th' river's varry narrow an' ther's bridges
ivvery few yards. Th' steeam booats wor full o' gaily dressed men an'
women, an' music wor playin, an scoars 0' little booats wor skimmin
along; all lukt lively an' fowk seemed happy. At ivvery convenient spot
ther wor men fishing wi ther long rods, an' lollin ith' sun watchin th'
bit o' cork bob up an' daan ith' watter; an' aw may as weel mention it
here; aw saw th' same chaps ivvery day ith' same spots, sometimes early
ith' mornin, sometimes when it wor ommost to dark to see, noa matter
whativver time aw passed they wor at ther old pooasts. Judgin bi ther
dress they wornt fishin for a livin, an' after lukkin at ther baskets
an' nivver bein able to see at one on em had getten owt, aw made it aght
at they must be fishin for enjoyment, an' aw hooap they catched it.
Wol aw wor takken up wi watchin'em Billy wor tryin to mak aght what
wor gooin on o' th' other side. "Sithee, Sammy! What's all yond; wimmen
reckonin to be dooin? Are they weshin'?"

He'd guessed reight, an' thear they wor in a long shed at seemed to
be fit up wi ivverything they wanted, soa far as we could see at that
distance, an' they wor splashin an' brayin an' stampin an' tawkin as
if ther lives depended o' which could mak th' mooast ov a slop an' th'
biggest din. As we went walkin on, one o' th' seets at lukt to us mooast
strange, wor th' number o' men walkin abaat i' black petticoits an'
brooad brimmed hats. If a chaps face is an index to his karracter,
as some fowk say it is, th' fewer o' th' priests, sich as we met, an'
th'better for th' country aw should think. Aw dooant want to say owt to
offend onybody, but to be truthful awm foorced to say 'at aw pivver saw
sich a lot o' ill favvord fowk i' mi life, an' if Madam Tooswords wants
to add another chamber o' horrors to her show shoo could'nt do better
nor get th' casts o' some o' their mugs. Ther's noa likelihood o'
ony wolves destroyin ony o' their flocks, soa long as they've sich
scarecrows for shepherds. Still they seemed a jolly lot, but just as we
gate to th' Cathedral a oppen cab drives up, wi a priest in it i' full
cannonicals, white lawn sleeves an' all to booit; but th' seet on it
knocked th' wind aght 0' booath Billy an' me.--Aw dooant say'at what we
saw wor wrang--aw say at it did'nt luk reight to us--for he wor lollin'
back ith' cab, dressed as awve tell'd yo, withaat hat, an' smokin a
short public haase clay pipe--It saands strange to yo awve noa daat, but
its true, an' when he jumpt aght, he lifted up his petticoit an' pooled
some paper aght ov his pocket, an' stuffed some into th' pipe heead,
put it in his pocket, spit onto th' porch ov a temple erected for th'
holiest o' purposes, an' makkin some mooation at aw did'nt understand,
he walked in, aw hooap wi motives purer nor his clooas or his breeath
wor likely to be. At ivvery corner at yo'd to pass, wor a woman kneelin
on a cheer, an' dressed to luk as solemn as a mute at a funeral, an' to
render as ugly as possible, faces an' forms'at God had made beautiful;
an' they'd each on 'em a bag i' ther hand wi a few coppers in it, an'
they shook'em as yo went past. Aw did drop a copper into one but Billy
wod'nt, for he sed if they wanted to cadge let'em goa aght into th'
street an' cadge reight. He'd hardly getten th' words aght ov his maath
when he sprang back an' planted his heavy booit fair at top ov a corn at
awve been nursin for th' thick end o' thirty year, an' made me exhibit
a one-legged performance at wor somewhat aght o' place just then, but
Billy wor too mad to tak ony noatice, an' wor havin a row wi a long
lank wizzened carcase an' face at belanged to a woman at stood behind
a little table, an' had a little besom in her hand, but when Billy axed
her what shoo'd done that for? shoo held up a bag wi some moor coppers
in an' shook it at him grinnin at him like a monkey. "What's to do?" aw
ax'd for it wornt a place to kick up a disturbance in--"Shoo's slarted
me all ovver mi face wi watter aght o' that besom."

"Tak noa noatice," aw sed, "it's a practice they have i' this country to
sprinkle fowk wi what they call holy watter;--ha mich did ta pay her for

"Pay her! does ta think aw've gooan cleean of th' side?"

"Well, if tha hasnt paid her owt tha's lost nowt an' tha sees shoo has
lost her watter, an' her trouble."

Th' watter will'nt matter much for shoo'll be able to mak some moor as
sooin as that's done, an' as for th' trouble,--if awd had her aghtside
awd ha gein her trouble. But Sammy, is this a church or is it some
sooart ov a bazaar? Sithee, thers a woman thear sellin candles, an'
another little picturs an' gimcracks, aw did'nt know they allaad fowk to
sell stuff in a church. "What's yond chap dooin." We went to see, an' he
wor tawkin away at a gate an' as fowk went in he handed em a ticket for
which they paid. We follered an' he gave us each a ticket for 50c. an'
we went to see th' wonders o' th' Treasury, as it wor called. Aw quite
agree wi Billy'at it wor a sell, for ther wor little to see, an' that
little not near as well worth seein as ony silversmiths shop winder. We
did'nt stop long thear, but we had a long stroll throw th' buildin, an'
it is a wonder--its a whoal mass o' beauties--an' someha it has'nt soa
mich ov a luk ov a gravestooan makkers show raam, as awr St. Paul's an'
Westminster Abbey--but one thing spoilt it all to me, for it seemed
to sarve noa purpose nobbut money makkin, an' aw wonderd if th' time
ud ivver come when another Man should mak a scourge an' drive aght th'
desecraters ov His Father's temple--It's ommost time!

When we left that grand old pile, we crossed a street an' entered a
buildin whear daily can be seen th' mooast sorrowful an' sickenin seet
i' Paris. Aw meean th' Morgue. When th' remembrance ov ivvery other
seet has faded, that'll still be fresh. It will'nt be rubbed aght an'
yo connot blot it aght, aw wish aw could. Billy gave one glance
raand--"Aw'll wait for thi aghtside," he sed, an' he wod'nt ha had long
to wait if it had'nt been'at aw felt it a sooart ov a duty to see all at
wor to be seen. It wor a scorchin hot day aghtside, but as sooin as yo
entered this bare comfortless lukkin place, yo felt a chill creep all
ovver yo. Why it is'at places intended to contain objects soa repulsive
should be contrived i' sich a way as to add to th' painfulness o' th'
Exhibition aw could nivver tell; but soa it is. Even i' Payris, whear
glass an' glitter meets yo at ivvery turn, an' ornamentation runs wild
ovver ivverything, recent or ruined, they could'nt spare one solitary
touch to soften an' subdue soa agonizin a show--But th' place wor full
o' fowk an' 'at ther wor summat moor nor common aw could guess. Inside a
big glass screen, like th' winder ov a fish shop, wor a big braan stooan
slab wi watter tricklin ovver it, an' on it wor laid three bodies'at had
been pickt aght o' th' river; one a man, but aw will'nt say owt abaat
it--it wor too fearful for me to try to paint it--one wor a bonny little
lad abaat four years old, weel nourished, an' ivvery thing it had on
throo its shoes to its hat showed ha praad sombody had been on it--My
heart ached as aw thowt o' that poor mother at wor somwhear lamentin'
her loss, an' yet buildin up hooaps at one glance at that little face
wod settle for ivver--But it wor th' third, raand which th' craad wor
clusterin;--it wor that ov a young woman, beautiful i' booath face an'
form--soa beautiful'at it wor hard to believe her deead. What could
have caused her put an end to a life'at had hardly fully blossomed into
womanhood? It could'nt be poverty, for th' jewels still on her small
white hands, wod ha beep enough to ha warded off want for a long time;
'er whole dress showed signs ov wealth an' extravagance. Aw could nobbut
wonder an' feel sad an' repeat=

````"Has she a Father?

````Has she a mother?

````Has she a sister?

````Has she a brother?

````Or is there a nearer one

````Still, and a dearer one?"=

It lukt hard to see one soa young an' fair laid o' that weet stooan,
past all help--One could but sigh an' walk away=

````"Admitting her weakness,

`````Her evil behaviour;

````But leaving with meekness,

`````Her sins to her Saviour."=

When aw joined Billy agean aw wor startin to tell him all abaat
it--"Shut up!" he sed, "aw saw quite enuff, an' aw want to hear nowt
noa moor abaat it. If it suits thee to goa maunderin abaat seekin' foi
sorrow, it doesnt me. Aw want summat to ait, an' it'll have to be summat
substantial, soa leead th' way into th' furst place tha comes to at tha
thinks gradely."

We kept walkin on, an' havin soa mich to luk at, we went a long way
withaat callin, but at last aw sed, "Wod ta like a plain sooart ov a
shop or mun we goa to a showy spot?"

"Aw care nowt abaat it whether its plain or net if ther's summat fit to
feed a true born Englishman throo Yorksher, but tha'll ha thi wark set
to find a place here'at isnt showy--in fact as far as aw can judge, it's
moor show nor owt else i' this blessed country; th' Exhibition is a
big show--th' baloon's another show--yond doncin demons wor a show--th'
churches are turned into shows--ther deead haase is a show--ther
buildins are stuck up an' bedizened wi gingerbreead an' gilt, all for
show--th' men an' wimmen are all shuffle an' show--an' sithee here! awm
blowed if ther isnt a church steeple stuck up for a show! Well, that's
a rum en! Aw've monny a time seen a church baat steeple but this is th'
furst time aw ivver saw a steeple baat church!"

"Its true what tha says, an' a grand monument it maks ith' middle o'
this square. It luks weel doesnt it?"

"Luks! aw care nowt abaat ha it luks! What is it for? That's what aw
want to know! What's th' use o' fillin up a place wi stuff at's o' noa
use nobbut to be lukt at?"

"They'll nivver stick thee up to be lukt at, for tha am't hansom enuff,
soa tha need'nt freeat!" aw says, for aw felt a bit nettled.

"Noa, aw dooant hardly think they will, an' aw should fancy they havnt
been to ax thee yet, have they? Aw think my turn'll be abaat th' next
after thine."

Aw did'nt answer him back, for a varry gooid reason; as long as a chap
tawks sense awl tawk to him, but as sooin as he maks a fooil ov hissen
aw've done.

"Nah then, will this shop suit thi?" aw sed, as aw stopt anent a
resteraunt door.

"If its fit for a littleary chap like tha reckons to be, it should be
gooid enuff for a chap at keeps a aleus at th' moor end."

"If tha thinks tha can get my monkey up wi mak-kin a desplay o' thi own
stupid ignorance tha'rt varry much mistakken! for awl nawther be put
aght o' temper wi thee nor a man twice as gooid! an' if tha'rt anxious
to be shut o' mi cumpny, aw think awst be able to spare thine!" an' aw
walked on leavin him to suit hissen whether he follerd me or net. Aw
went to th' end o' th' street an' wor just enterin another square wi
another big monument ith' middle, when aw turned raand to see if he wor
comin, an' just as aw did soa aw felt as if a cannon ball had landed o'
mi stummack. A potbellyed Frenchman, donned i' red britches, an' a black
coit an' a white appron teed raand him baanced abaat a yard off on me
an' began tawkin an' shruggin his shoolders an' poolin his face into all
sooarts o' shaps--nah it ud ha been better for him if he wor anxious
to mak mi acquaintance, to ha chosen another time--Aw did'nt loise mi
temper, coss awd made up mi mind'at aw wod'nt, but aw just gave him
one for his nob'at sent him spinnin like a castle top, an' his hat flew
monny a yard, an' aw stood ready to give him another o' th' same sooart
if he thowt it worth his while to fotch it, but he did'nt, an' varry
sooin two or three gethered raand us an' lukt as if they meant mischief
to me, but aw kept cooil--aw wor detarmined aw wod'nt be put aght o'
temper; an' aw seized hold o' mi umberel an' aw just felt as if aw could
fettle abaat a duzzen on em--or two duzzen for th' matter o' that,--its
cappin what a chap fancies he can do if he nobbut keeps cooil.--Just
then Billy coom up an' th' Frenchman went up to him an' aw suppooas
bi th' way he kept pointin to me, he wor tryin to explain matters, an'
although Billy could'nt tell a word he sed he seemed to understand what
he meant, an' he sed to me, "come on Sammy, awve ordered steaks an'
puttates for two, an' another bottle o' red ink. Tha's nowt to be feeard
on, it'll be all reight."

"Feeard on! ther's nowt aw am feeard on! Aw shuddent be feeard o' thee
if tha wor twice as big as tha art, aw can tell thi that mich! Tha's
been tryin all tha knows this mornin to mak me loise mi temper, but
tha'rt suckt, for it'll tak a better man nor thee!"

"Well, aw dooant think tha has lost it, Sammy, it'd be a gooid job if
tha had, an aw should pity th' chap at fun it, but ther's a treat for
thi; tha could'nt ha pickt aght a better shop nor this if tha'd gooan
all throo Payris, for ther's a stooan mason throo Manchester gettin his
dinner, an' he can tawk awther French or English, an' he's knockt off
wark for th' day, an' he's willing to show us raand."

This wor gooid news an' it made me feel--(not better tempered, becoss
awd nivver been aght o' temper, tho' Billy swears to this day at aw wor
as mad as a wasp, but then he's a poor judge o' human natur is Billy;)
but it made me feel moor,--well, moor,--aw hardly know what to say, but
yo'll know what aw meean, for awve noa daat yo've felt that way yorsen.
When we gate in, he wor as pleeased to see us as we wor to see him,
an' he sooin made th' Frenchman, (who turned aght to be th' maister)
understand ha things stood, an' then he shuk hands wi me an' bowed, an'
sed summat; an' th' mason tell'd me at he wor sayin 'he wor varry sooary
if he'd hurt me, an' hooaped aw should forgie him;' "Ov coorse," aw sed,
"tell him awm one'at nivver bears malice, an' at he mun thank his stars
he met me when he did, for if aw had'nt happened to be i' th' best
humour ith' world, aw should ha fettled his nop for him."

"Eeah, friend, be sewer an' tell him that for it'll happen saand moor
like trewth i' French nor it does i' English--" Th' steaks happenin to
come in just at that time put an' end to th' tawk, an' it wornt long
befoor we put an end to th' steak. Then they browt us a big dish o'
fruits--grapes an' plums an' apples an' peaches, an' we had a reight
tuck in. "Aw dooant think aw've etten as mich crash sin aw wor a lad,"
aw sed, an' Billy sed he wor sewer he had'nt, an' he'd noa idea it wor
as gooid as it wor!

"Well," th' mason sed, "that is owing to the climate, you would'nt enjoy
the same things as well at home--I get fruit for breakfast. I dont think
you drank much claret when you was at home."

"Awm sewer we did'nt," sed Billy, "for aw supt nowt but ale, an' nah aw
hardly feel to care for it. But aw dooant think ale's as gooid here as
it is at hooam."

"It ought to be for it comes from the best English breweries, but look
at these workmen gettin their dinners, they look a fine set of men."

An' they did, an' Billy an' me did watch em, as aw began wonderin
whether or net it wor true, at English fowk had all th' sense ith'
world. Its worth while givin an' accaant o' their dinner, for this book
will noa daat fall into th' hands o' monny a workin' chap at's apt to
grummel even if he has to put up wi a beefsteak at hasnt come off th'
steak booan, an' it may do him noa harm to know ha other fowk live.

One bottle o' claret, for which they paid a franc--a looaf, abaat a
yard long, an' abaat as thick as mi arm, for which they paid half a
franc--a jug o' cold watter an' three tumbler glasses. Aw wonder
what three stooan masons at hooam wod ha made aght o' that for ther
dinner--fifteen pence wor all it cost for three on em. They each hawf
filled ther glass wi wine, then filled it up wi watter, an' then divided
th' looaf into three, an' each takkin a fooit on it, they pooled pieces
off an dipped it into ther wine an' watter an ate it wi a relish.
"Sewerly," aw sed, "tha doesnt mean to say at that's all they'll ha to
ther dinner."

"But it is, and what may surprise you to know is that breakfast and
supper only differ by the addition of fruit or some simple vegetable,
and yet they can work for twelve hours a day, and they dont look bad."

"They're three o' th' finest chaps aw've seen sin aw coom into Payris," aw
sed, "but aw should think they'll hardly be able to do as mich wark as

"Well, its generally thought so, but my experience is that they do--They
never break any time--I have been here nearly two years and have over
two hundred men under me--and there has never one lost a day through
drink since I came."

"Well, its cappin isn't it Billy? one could hardly ha believed it if
they had'nt seen it. What wod English masons think if they'd to be stopt
off ther beef an ale?"

"Nay, its flaysome to think on, it maks me low spirited,--let's sup off
an' be gooin--its as ill as th' deead haase is this."

[Illustration: 0081]

[Illustration: 0084]


[Illustration: 9084]

ETER,--that wor th' name'at this stooan mason had been kursened,--agreed
to spend th' rest o' th' afternooin an' neet wi us, an' show us what he
could. Aw had'nt forgetten seein th' monument at th' time awd had a dust
wi th' Frenchman, an' soa aw propooased we should goa thear furst, an'
we did--at th' furst seet it reminded me o' th' monument o' London, but
it proved to be summat far hansomer, for it wor th' Vendome column. Awd
read abaat it befoor an' knew all abaat th' silly lumpheeads'at spent
days o' labor to pool it daan, as if bi destroyin that they could blot
aght th' memory o' th' man it wor raised to honor; whearas if it wor
possible to sweep ivvery stick an stooan'at forms ther splendid city,
off th' face o' th' eearth, an' leeav nowt but a barran tract o' land
in its place, noa pilgrim wanderin ovver it but what wod find his thowts
circlin raand th' memory ov Napoleon. All honour to them, who while
strivin to wrest an empire from his successor's grasp, raised once agean
this monument to his fame.

It ud be wearisome if awd to attempt to describe all th' grand
buildings, statys, faantens an' churches'at we passed--Peter wor
ivvedently at hooam, an' could show us moor i' hauf a day nor we should
ha seen in a wick--Just a passing word abaat one an' then awl leeav
writin abaat what yo can read abaat i' scoors o' books beside this, an'
give an idea or two abaat things'at other writers awther havnt seen or
darnt tell. La Madaleine,--that's th' name ov a church--but it does'nt
luk a bit like a church, its far moor like St. George's Hall at
Liverpool, but ther's summat far grander abaat it. It wor oppen free,
an' we went in. Inside it lukt as Billy sed, 'far moor like a gurt
cungerin show nor a church,' but ther wor noa mistak abaat its beauty.
Ther wor a gooid lot o' fowk in, mooastly strangers like ussen, but here
an' thear wor one'at seemed to have moor serious business on hand.
Unless ther's moor virtue in a candle nor aw think ther is, ther's a
fearful waste o' wax gooas on i' that spot, for ther wor scoors burnin,
net to give leet, that awm certain.--Peter sed it wor a custom wi em to
burn a lot o' candles after th' deeath o' onybody, soa as to leet ther
soul into th' next world,--aw dooant think it does ony harm, an' if it
satisfies em, its as weel to say nowt abaat it, but when my time comes
aw hooap ther'll be a breeter way to show me th' rooad nor what them
candles seemed to give. Although they let yo in for nowt, yo'd hard wark
to get aght withaat payin summat, but we did manage it, an' felt better
suited wi ussen,--net'at we wor too meean to pairt wi a copper or two
for th' seet wor worth it, but becoss we did'nt agree wi th' principle
on it.

Another wonder worth mentionin, is th' New Grand Opera House, but altho'
it did cost a million paands sterlin it ud be as mich as mi heead wor
worth, if awd to say at it wor owt fit to be compared wi th' New Grand
Opera house they've built i' Leeds, becoss ther nivver wor sich a place
as that, accordin to all accaants, an' if th' architect should ivver
'shuffle off this mortal coil,' aw hooap they'll put him in a bottle,
an' set him up ith' Philosophical Museum as a new curiosity, for ther's
nivver been owt fresh put in sin aw wor a lad, an' that's a year or two
sin--th' last time aw wor thear aw thowt th' mumny lukt fair looansome.
It's a pity at th' Grand Opera Haase i' Payris doesnt pay, but what it
falls short, th' government maks up, an' its to be hooaped'at if th'
Leeds "Grand" does'nt pay'at th' Corporation'll suppooart it aght o' th'
rates--for awm gien to understand at it wor nivver built wi th' idea o'
makkin a profit aght on it, but nobbut to elevate th' public taste, tho'
they tak gooid care'at yo get noa taste 0' th' elevation unless yo
pay to go in. When aw read th' Leeds Mercury, (aw allusread all th'
theatrical news i' their paper,) an' saw all they had to say abaat it,
it reminded me ov a chap aw knew'at lived at Halifax, an' when ivver
ony friend called to see him, he used to delight i' marchin em abaat
th' taan to show em th' wonders, (an' ther is some wonders i' Halifax,
ther's noa denyin that;--an' to me th' biggest wonder ov all is at th'
taan's thear at all,) but he allusfinished off wi takkin em daan bi
th' old church to have a luk at Beacon Hill--"Nah then," he'd say, "what
does ta think abaat that for a hill? Th' sun has his wark to get ovver
that i' daycent time in a mornin tha can bet!" An' if th' chap he's
showin it too should happen to say'at 'he'd seen hills ten times as
big,' he'd shak his heead an' say--"Awve heeard fowk tawk like that
befoor; but it's th' biggest hill awve ivver seen, an' it'll be time
enuff for me to believe ther's a bigger when aw find one; but inasmich
as he's nivver been monny yards away throo hooam he believes'at Beacon
hill is th' biggest hill yet."

Peter propooased nah at we should have a carriage as it ud help us to
see a varry deeal moor nor we should be able to do, if we depended o'
shanks gallowy, soa we agreed, an' wor sooin seeated be-hund a pair o'
spankin greys--"Cannot yo drive us to some brewery?" sed Billy, "aw mak
nowt o' com-min here unless aw can leearn summat."

"There are breweries here, plenty of them, but not the class you want
to see, they call them Brasseries, but they are in reality places for
drinking beer, and not for making it."

"Well, neer heed, lets goa, for aw should feel shamed o' misen if awd
to goa back hooam withaat leearnin summat abaat th' trade, an' when awm
called on at th' next annywel vitlers dinner, to mak a speech, it'll
nooan mak a bad start to say 'th' last time'at aw wor i' Payris &c.,'
an' it'll mak some on em oppen ther een'at fancies coss a chap lives at
th' moor end'at he's foorced to be a fooil. Aw wor allusov an enquirin
turn o' mind Mr. Peter, an' ther's Sammy thear, he luks as big a cauf
heead as yo'll meet wi in a day's march, but them at taks him for a
fooil mak a mistak, aw should nooan ha browt him wi me on a journey like
this if aw had'nt thowt summat abaat him."

"Aw did'nt know'at tha had browt me," aw sed, "it wor me'at axd thee to
coom if aw ammot mich mistakken.",

"Awm nooan baan to fratch abaat it mun, if tha says a thing tha'll stick
to it aw know that, an' if ther's ony credit tha'll awther have it or
swelt--but aw wonder whear tha'd ha been if it had'nt been for me--tha'd
ha been lockt up for riteous conduct ith' street Mr. Peter knows that;
by th' heart! but this is a queer lukkin neighborhooid yo're takken us
into--Aw dooant like th' luk o' some o' theas fowk--aw nivver saw sich
a cutthroit lukkin lot i' mi life! Awm nooan soa varry particular abaat
gooin to see th' breweries; if yo think ther's ony danger, let's goa
back;--net at it matters for me for awm a single chap, but Sammy's left
a wife at hooam an' its her awm thinkin on."

"Thee think o' thisen an' thi mother, an' leeav Mally to me--but if
tha'rt beginnin to duff tha'd better get aght an leeav it to Peter an'
Sammywell! if it worn't for thi age and respect aw have for thi family
awd pitch thi cleean aght o' th' cab! Duffin! nah Mr. Peter awl put it
to yo do yo think its likely,'at a chap what's kept a beer-haase at th'
moorend all th' years'at awve done, whear thers been as monny as three
or four rows in a wick, some wicks;--tho' aw alluskept a orderly haase,
perleece'll tell yo soa if yo ax em,--an aw've seen chaps brayin one
another to bits ommost, an awve nivver stirred aght o' mi cheer,--nah,
do yo think aw should be likely to duff?"

"Your courage will not be called into requisition, so you need not be at
all alarmed. This leads us to the Quartier Latin, let us get down here
and try this."

It wor commin dusk an th' lamps wor bein leeted ith' streets, but inside
all wor a blaze wi leet. It wor a big, rayther low raam, gay wi gold
an colours an lukken glasses, an supported with a lot o' thin pillars
covered up hawfway wi crimson velvet--seeats covered wi th' same stuff
went all raand th' sides an' th' floor wor covered wi little marble
tables, an stooils wi velvet tops, an altogether, th' place lukt varry
grand an hardly seemed suitable for th' company at wor thear, for altho'
they didn't luk like workin men, ther wor an untidy, unweshed, unkempt
look abaat em'at aw hadn't noaticed in ony other lot. Peter gave th'
order an in a minit a young woman, donned up like a playacter coom wi
three bottles o' beer, an six glasses. Shoo put em all daan an Peter
paid, an in a twinklin th' six glasses were filled, two moor lasses
at didn't wear sleeves i' ther gaaons, but hung em on wi two narrow
shoulder straps, an wi skirts made that length wol yo didn't need to
wonder whether they wore garters or not,--coom an smiled an each takkin
a glass, popt it off at one swig, (an they held a gill,) an filled em up
agean, (for all bottles thear hold three gills) an withaat waitin to tak
ther breeath, sent th' second to see after th' first, wiped ther lips an
lukt as dry as if they hadn't tasted for a month. Th' empty bottles an
glasses wor takken away, an wi a smile an a wave o' ther hand they went
to attend to somdy else, leeavin us to sit as long ovver awr glass
as we'd amind. Peter said we were too sooin to see th' place at its.
best,--which meeans at its warst,--but he tell'd us at th' customers
wor mooastly artists an students, an theas wimmen wor dressed up i' sich
fantastic style to draw fowk thear, an it wor ther principal duty to get
off as mich drink as they could, an at from 12 at nooin to 1 next
mornin they oft took more nor 100 glasses o' beer, to say nowt abaat th'
glasses o' liquors an wines they had in between. It wor hard to believe
it, but after watching em for abaat an haar, aw could ha believed it
if he'd sed 200, for we wornt moor nor an haar ith place, an aw saw one
lass, net moor nor 20 year old, drink 15 glasses o' beer, one o' coffee
and brandy, an one wine, an when we left shoo seemed as reight as if
shoo hadn't had aboon twopenoth. After each glass shoo ate a couple
o' shrimps aw suppooas to mak her thirsty for th' next. Peter sed they
seldom lasted moor nor four years, for if it didn't kill em it awther
made em bloated an ugly or browt on some disease, but wol they lasted
they could mak throo 200 to 400 pounds a year, an during that time they
wor generally living wi some student or artist as his mistress, an givin
him all shoo could get, i' return for which, as sooin as shoo could hold
her situation noa longer, he turned her into th' street, to add one moor
to that swarm, estimated at 30,000 women, at live i' that fair, gay and
fashionable city called Payris, by prostitution ov th' worse sooart, an
this 30,000 doesn't include some thaasands moor, who carry on th' same
trade, under th' sanction an protection ov ther government. Yo'll feel
inclined to say, "Well, Sammy, we've heeard enuff o' that,--tell us
summat else."

"Aw wish aw could tell yo summat else, an paint yo a true pictur,
withaat havin to drag in that spectre,'at i ivvery guise o' revoltin
ugliness, an heavenly beauty, haunts church, street, cafe, garden,
river, and even holds its revel alike in th' perfumed chaymer,
surrounded wi youth an innocence, an' in th' pestiferous stinkin den
whear vice is life, and virtue all unknown. Noa wonder'at ther's a free
exhibition at th' Morgue ivvery day, an "One more unfortunate" sleepin
her long last sleep on that drippin stooan, all unconscious ov th'
curious crowd at see in her limp limbs, an distorted face nowt moor nor
a spectacle provided bi a thowtful government for their entertainment,
but fail to leearn th' lesson'at it owt to taich."

France has her warriors,--her statesmen, an' her poets! Has'nt shoo one
man, with a voice at can ring throo her fair cities--her vineyards, an'
her lovely hamlets; at will raise it to rid her o' th' biggest curse
under which a nation can grooan. Shoo's safer wi a thaasand invadin
armies hemmin her raand, nor wi that enemy gnawin away at th' vitals ov
her heart.

When we left th' brewery we had a drive up an' daan th' principal
boulevards, an' it wor a treeat an' noa mistak. Th' mooin wor as breet
varry near as a sun, an' th' gas lamps lukt to burn wi a yallo blaze
at shed noa leet. Th' trees sparkled as they shook ther leaves an' th'
buildins stood aght agean th' breet blue sky as if they'd been cut aght
o' cleean card-booard. Men sauntered along puffin ther cigerettes, or
set ith' front o' one o' th' cafes, en-joyin th' luxary o' havin nowt
to do, an' knowin ha to do it. It wodn't interest yo to tell yo whear we
went; for yo'at nivver wor thear ud be noa wiser an' yo at have been can
tell for yorsen. It wor a long drive, an' we stopt at last at th' Arc
de Triomphe de L'Etoile an' aw should think ther isnt sich another seet
ith' world. Payris appears to lay at yor feet, an' strings o' gas leets
mark aght ivvery principal street. Billy could'nt find words to express
hissen, all he could get off wor, "E'e, gow! Sammy! E'e gow! By gum mun!
A'a mun!"

It wor one o' them things whear yo could'nt help onybody: Aw did
think'at Billy wor a bigger fooil nor me, but awm foorced to own'at he
could describe it just as weel as me, for aw kept tryin to remember what
awd leearnd aght o' th' bookshunary soas aw could say summat, but it wor
noa use, aw could nobbut stare an' ax misen, in a whisper, whether aw
wor i' this world or th' next.

Payris wor asleep. That rattle an' clang'at had caused a hum to flooat
ovver th' city wor silent.--Aw lost misen i' thowt:--aw didnt see a
city;--aw saw a wood, an' mi fancy tuk me throo it; all th' singin birds
had dropt ther songs an' wor nestlin' i' ther cosy hooams, but ther
still wor some lukkin aght for what they could catch--owls,--human
owls,--wor nobbut makkin a start. Aw've oft seen th' owl stuck up as a
symbol o' wisdom, but aw could nivver understand it: an' aw should be
thankful if one o' them cliver chaps'at know soa mich wod kindly point
aght to me whear th' sense is, i' sittin an' blinkin all th' day, when
th' sun is makkin ivverything lovely, an' turnin aght at neet when all
is dark an' solemn, to drop onto some timid little maase at wod ha been
aght i' th' daytime if it dar. Noa,--aw nawther see wisdom nor principle
ith' owl. Gie me a lark'at shaks his wings as sooin as th' sun sends
aght his furst pale ray as an agent i' advance to tell th' world he's
gooin to show agean, an' starts towards heaven whear he hings, a dot
agean a dull blue dome, an' pours his melody on an awakenin eearth,
cheerin the sad an' addin' joy to them whose cup wor full exceptin for
those drops ov harmony.

Ther's summat at feels heavy o' yor heart when a gurt, bustlin city is
asleep,--when th' solitary cab rattles wi a peevish din along a silent
street--an' th' quiet steady traid o' th' watchman saands like th'
pulse-beeat ov a district lapt i' sleep. We made it up'at we wod have a
nod neet aght an' see th' dark side as weel as th' breet. If awd been a
praiche'r aw could ha fun plenty o' subjects for a sarmon as we wandered
raand. Ommost all th' places wor shut up and nubdy seemed to be abaat.

As we slowly trampt along, nah an' then a--(what-do-yo-call-em, we call
em Bobbies i' England,) passed us, or we passed him, but Peter sed a
word or two an' we wornt interfered wi. We coom anent one grand place
whear th' winders wor blazin wi leet an' we went in. It wor another o'
them grand shops sich as we'd seen soa monny on, but all along one side
wor little raams screened off, an' they called em _Cabinet particulier_
an' we went into one;--ther's noa mistak abaat th' luxury an' beauty
o' theas little places, but it doesnt tak th' e'e ov a hawk to see even
moor in one nor they'd wish aghtsiders to believe. We had'nt been long
an' th' waiter wor nobbut bringin us th' furst cup o' coffee when in
coom two wimmen, (aw call em wimmen becoss they wor ith' shape on em,)
but Peter gave em to understand'at we did'nt want to add to th' number
o' th' compny.

We had a rest an' a smook an' then we started aght agean, we had'nt
walked monny yards befoor we coom to another spot'oth' same sooart, an'
we sat daan o' th' opposite side o' th' rooad to luk at what wor gooin
on. Th' winders wor oppen an' th' leets wor up at full, an' th' saand
o' what aw suppooas they meant for mewsic, coom aght o' th' oppen
shutters--ther wor a rustlin ov a silk dress an' a grand lukkin lass
fit for a duchess coom up to th' door, but th' chap at wor standin thear
shoved her away as if shoo'd been a beggar--shoo stood for a minit or
two lukkin up at whear th' saand coom throo an' then shoo walked away
wipin her een wi her pocket hankerchy an' vanished. Aw felt as if aw
could ha liked to goa an' try to comfort her a bit, an aw ommost felt
sooary at Mally wornt thear, for aw know shoo can set onybody reight if
onybody can, but Peter sed it wod be noa use for shoo wor varry likely
lukkin for him who had promised to meet her an' had disappointed
her--Just then a lad coom past sellin papers an' Peter bowt one; (Billy
wod ha bowt one, but after lukkin at it he declared at th' fowk'at had
printed it did'nt know ha to spell) an' after a bit he sed, (aw meean
Peter,) "This is a sad case but only one of many such."

"What is it? aw says.

"Only an account of the finding of a body in the river to-day. A young
and beautiful girl who ran away from home leaving parents, sisters,
brothers and a lover and came to Paris, was admired, feted, courted and
betrayed, and in the midst of her gaiety and dissipation was confronted
by the honest-hearted suiter for her hand who had followed her, and
remorse having mastered her infatuation, and despair overwhelmed her
hopes she put an end to herself. Her body has been claimed by her
friends;--it was at the Morgue to-day. It is almost an everyday story,
but it is only an individual case of reaping the whirlwind when the seed
has been so plentifully sown.

"Nature! impartial goddess!--never forgets her duties," sed Peter,
braikin off throo what he'd been sayin, an' aw could'nt help thinkin ha
mich beauty a chap loises, and what joys he misses wi liggin i' bed ov
a neet--Reight enuff a chap cannot be up booath day an' neet, but its
worth while for ony body to sacrifice a bit o' sleep nah an' then for
th' sake o' seein what th' world luks like when its wakkenin. Th' sun
wornt fairly up but yet it wor growin leet, an' we made another move;
Billy an' me booath lukkin a bit solid owin to th' accaant he'd gien
us aght o' th' paper, an' Billy says, "Lets goa back hooam; awm sick o'
seein an' hearin soa mich abaat what owt'nt to be."

"Remember, Billy," aw says, "we munnot judge too hastily, becoss it's
just likely'at luck may ha led us to see th! warst pairt an' th' better
pairt is to come--Nivver let us condemn ony country or ony city--for
what we may see in an' haar or two, for th' best fruit tree ith' world
may have a rotten en on sometimes. But what's that row o' fowk abaat?
They luk a queer lot! What does ta mak on em, Peter?"

"They are waiting for the superintendant who will be here shortly, but
with their advent subsides another class that belong particularly to
Paris; the rag pickers; we have not met them to-night for the streets we
have been in are not those likely to yield them a harvest, but whilst we
wait here I may as well tell you a few facts which I have gleaned since
my arrival in the country. There is one wending his way homewards with a
basket weighty with his gatherings of the night--let us speak to him,
a few sous will amply repay him for his trouble and any time he may
loose." Soa he stopt him an' he emptied his hamper, an' sich a lot
o' stuff aw nivver saw befoor--aw dooant believe'at thers a beggar i'
Yorksher'at ud bend his back to pick sich rubbish up.--Bits o' rooap,
paper, cabbage leeavs, cigarettes, cigar stumps, booans, rags, crusts o'
breead, an' some things'at aw should fancy ther wornt onybody but him'at
had gethered em could give em a name. Billy's heart wor inclined to
oppen--nay, it did oppen, an' he gave him a franc, an' when he gate it,
th' tears rushed into his een an' altho' he wor a Frenchman his tongue
wor useless for his heart wor soa heigh up in his throit'at he could'nt
spaik, an' Billy lifted his fist an' sed, (but in a voice at wor varry
shaky to say it belanged to Billy,) "Tak thi hook! if tha doesnt awl
punce thi!" an' for th' next three minits he did nowt but blow his nooas
an' complain abaat havin getten some dust in his e'e--A'a! he's nooan
all guts isnt Billy! Aw believe after all'at he could'nt hold that heart
o' his unless it wor in a big carcass.

We went then to see all this lot o' fowk at wor waitin for th'
superintendant. They wor th' street sweepers, an' they wor just same as
solgers, an' as th' word o' command wor gien they went off i' pairties
o' four, an' started o' sweepin th' streets an' makkin all cleean an'
tidy for them at had nobbut just gooan to bed, soas they could get up
ith' mornin an' find th' city as trim an' tidy as they'd ivver seen it,
an' nowt left for th' day-leet to show ov what had been done under th'
gas-leet. Did yo ivver see a woman on a stage, donned up i' muslin,
silver lace an' spangles, wi a painted face, her e'en made breet wi
brandy,--her e'e-broos black wi charcoil or indyink,--her hands covered
wi white kid gloves, an' her feet pinched into tiny slippers,--wol her
legs wor padded to luk like what its just possible they may ha been
once, an' covered wi silk stockins, an' nawther moor nor less nor an'
angel withaat wings?--an' did yo ivver see th' same woman next mornin,
when shoo's getten up aght o' bed an' left all her false ringlets o' th'
dresser (if shoo has one,) when her paint is rubb'd off her cheeks,
her red hands, hoofed an' scarred uncovered,--her ee'n heavy
an' bleared,--her feet shoved into th' wrecks of a pair o' men's
booits,--an' wi a thyble in her hand, an' a bit o' mail in a paper bag,
as shoo gooas to wark to male a bit o' porrige for two or three squallin
childer'at nivver knew ther father? If soa yo must ha been struck wi th'

Well, thers just that much difference between what Payris is on th'
surface an' what it is when yo goa below.

We went along an' Peter sed he'd like to show us ha fowk i' Payris lived
an' give us an inseet into things at if they did us noa other gooid mud
happen taich us economy, an' prove at it wornt allusthem fowk'at had
th' mooast brass an' made th' mooast ov a spreead' at lived best.

"There's nothing thrown away in Paris," sed Peter, "excepting human
life. The rag-picker with his basket and his crook is one of the most
important personages in the city. The stumps of cigars and cigarettes
are what form the snuff of the most fastidious men who indulge in the
habit--the scraps of old paper are all utilised and every bit of rag
is converted to good use--the garbage, consisting of outside leaves of
cabbages, turnip tops and even rotten fruit serve as ingredients for
soups sold in the inferior restaurants; but the bread perhaps is most
remarkable,--private families and boarding houses throw out crusts which
are merely stale; cafes have plenty of broken crusts and soiled bits,
but although it is cast into the street it is all carefully collected
and preserved and the very refuse which is cast into the street from the
sumptuously furnished tables of aristocratic salons on the Rue de Rivoli
will not unlikely reappear in another form on the same tables and be
appreciated. Crusts of stale bread are collected by inferior bakers
and are soaked and rebaked and served again as new bread in cheap
restaurants, the small broken pieces are carefully collected and cut up
into small dice and after undergoing some secret process are converted
into those appetizing toasted chips which give such a relish to
soup--but there is another class, much more objectionable, at least to
our ideas,--the soiled and dirty scraps such as were to be found amongst
the rubbish of the rag-picker's basket, are seldom or ever given to
poultry or pigs as you would imagine, but undergo a process of cleaning
and are then dried, pounded into crumbs and burnt upon greased
tins until they become a rich brown, and of this bread dust, every
restaurant, from the one where the members of the senate meet, to the
one whose customers regard a dish of meat as an exceptional treat, keep
a stock; your cutlet is made to look beautiful with it--ham, fowls, or
baked meats all owe more or less of their attractiveness to the same
source. This is no secret here, and just so long as the dish set before
them is pleasing to the eye, and pleasant to the taste, they ask no
questions nor trouble themselves to wonder of what it is composed. There
is scarcely any part of any animal--ox, horse, dog, cat, sheep, goat,
sparrow or frog that is not utilized and made to furnish savoury morsels
for one class or other--the better portions of a beast naturally find
their way to that portion of the city where money is most plentiful,
but I do not think it is too much to say that had the English people
the same knowledge that the French possess in culinary matters, that
the quantity of meat and vegetable that is daily wasted at home would
furnish food, both toothsome and wholesome, enough for every starving
creature within its shores.

"Well, it may seem all reight to thee tha knows, to mak thi belly into
a muck-middin, but for mi own pairt awd rayther have a rasher o' gooid
hooam fed bacon an' a couple o' boiled eggs to mi braik-fast nor th'
grandest lukkin dish o' chopt up offal tha could set befoor me, an' aw
fancy Sammy's o' th' same opinion."

"Aw must say, Billy,'at aw had rayther sit daan to a bit o' summat
gradely, an' as a rule aw like to know what it is awm aitin, yet it's
happen nobbut th' result o' ignorance, an' we turn up us nooas at things
simply becoss we've been towt noa better; but aw could do wi a bit ov a
snack if aw had it,--what says ta Billy?"

"A bit ov a snack ud be noa use to me--aw could just do a quairt o'
porrige an' milk to start wi, but awst be ommost tarrified aght o' mi
wit o' touchin' owt nah. If we'd had ony sense we should ha browt summat
wi us, an' aw should ha done but aw thowt aw wor commin wi a cliver
chap'at knew summat, but aw find awve been mistaen."

"Eeah an' ther's somdy else been mistaen as weel as thee, for if awd
known what a chuffin heead tha'd ha turned aght aw wod'nt ha been paid
to come."

"Why dooant freeat Sammy, for it isnt variy likely 'at tha'll ivver be
troubled wi onybody offerin to pay thee for owt unless it wor for keepin
thi maath shut, an' if they'd start a subscription for that awd gie th'
price ov a pint towards it misen."

Th' shops wor all oppenin nah, an' Peter tuk us into a place an'
ordered braikfast, but altho' we wor ommost clammd, we booath felt a bit
suspicious abaat what we should have set befoor us to ait; but when it
coom in an' we saw a dish full o' ham steaks wi' fried eggs laid all
raand em an' a looaf a breead abaat a yard long, an' cups o' coffee'at
sent a smell like a garden o' pooaseys all throo th' place, all fear
o' bein awther impooased on or pooisened left us, an' ther wornt a word
spokken bi ony on us until Billy threw daan his knife an' fork an' sed,

We finished ommost as sooin as him an' Peter settled th' bill, an' as we
walked aght we felt like men new made ovver agean, but we wor varry glad
to get into a cab an' leet a cigar an' enjoy th' beautiful drive to us
own lodgins. We went a long raand abaat way but it wor ommost all throo
gardens or under trees, here an' thear we went throo a

Square an' stopt a minit to luk at a faantain, a moniment, or a
wonderful buildin, or went a short distance along th' river's bank or
made a cut throo a street, an' we'd noa time to do owt but admire all
we saw, whether it wor natural or artificial an' th' impressions o' th'
neet befoor seemed like ugly fancies at th' mornins flood o' beauty an'
gaiety wor quickly sweepin away--Aw could'nt help but repeat,=

```"One little favour, O, 'Imperial France!

```Still teach the world to cook, to dress, to dance,

```Let, if thou wilt, thy boots and barbers roam,

```But keep thy morals and thy creeds at home."=

To say we'd been up all th' neet we did'nt feel varry weary nor sleepy
an' after a gooid wesh an' a brush up we felt noa desire to goa to bed
soa we sat daan at one o' th' little tables aghtside an called for
a bottle o' Bordeaux, (we'd getten reight to like it) an' we tipt us
cheers back, yankee fashion, an' amused ussen wi watchin fowk goa past.
We sooin discovered at a cheap trip had just come in, an' as they went
past wi ther boxes an' carpet bags Billy lained ovver to me an' he says,
"What gawky chaps English fowk luk when they land here at furst; why, aw
feel soa different sin aw coom to live i' Payris wol awm feeard they'll
tak me for a born Frenchman when aw get back hooam."

"Tha's noa need," aw says, "they may tak thi to be a born summat at
begins wi a F, but it will'nt be Frenchman!"

Peter had to leeav us nah, we wor varry sooary to pairt wi him, but he
sed his business wod'nt allaa him to stop ony longer, soa we shook hands
wi him an' thanked him for all his kindness, an' as he turned away he
sed, "And be sure you remember me kindly to Mally."

This rayther knockt th' wind aght on me, an' Billy says, "Nah lad thart
in for't, an' sarve thi reight! yond chap'll write off to yor Mally, an'
tell her o' thi gooins on an' then tha'll get thi heead cooamd wi summat
tha weeant like when tha gets hooam! Aw wod'nt be i' thy shoes for a

"Well, if thers been owt wrang tha's been as deep ith' muck as aw've
been ith' mire, soa tha can shut up!"

"Has ta ivver answered that letter shoo sent thi?"

"Noa, aw've nivver had a chonce but aw will do reight away an' then
that'll happen ease her mind a bit, an' aw wod'nt cause a minit o'
bother, if aw could help it for all aw can see."

"It's a pity tha doesnt try to mak her believe it."

"Aw do try, an' aw allusdid!"

"Eeah, aw meean its a pity tha art'nt moor successful."

"Thee mind thi own business, an' leeav me to mind mine!"

Aw felt it wor a waste o' time to tawk ony moor to him, soa aw left him
to sit bi hissen wol aw went to write a letter to Mally. Aw did'nt goa
wi a varry leet heart, net at aw cared owt abaat th' trubble, but aw wor
fast what to say. To write th' plain trewth aw knew wod'nt do, an' to
write what worn't true wor a thing aw wod'nt do, an' aw sat some time
studdyin befoor aw made a start.

[Illustration: 0106]

[Illustration: 0107]


[Illustration: 9107]

WVE discovered it to be a varry gooid plan nivver to write a letter
withaat rhyme or reason--If yo've gooid reason for it, fowk 'll nivver
care abaat th' rhyme, but if yo've noa reason, give'em some rhyme.=

```Dear Mally lass, awm fain to say

```Aw gate thy letter yesterday;

```It fun me weel as when aw started,

```Except for freeatin' 'coss we're parted.

```Ther's lots i' this strange place to see,

```But nowt at's hauf as dear to me,

```Wheariwer its mi fate to rooam;

```As that old lass'at's set at hooam.

```Awd come back bi th' next booat, but then

```Billy'd be looansome bi hissen;

```Aw want to keep him free thros bother,

```An' hand him safe back to his mother.=

```Aw think he's gettin cured at last,

```His stummack's mendin varry fast;

```An' ale!--its true lass what aw say,

```He doesnt sup a pint ith' day.

```He nivver has a bilious baat,

```Tho' aitin' moor withaat a daat,

```Awm savin all th' news till aw come,

```An' then tha'll see awst bring thi some;

```We meean to leeav here varry sooin,

```Aw think abaat next Mondy nooin;

```To find thi weel will mak me fain;

```Till then, believe me to remain,

```As oft befoor tha's heeard me tell,

```Thy faithful husband Sammywell.=

Bith' time shoo's managed to get throo that an' had a chonce to study
it ovver we shall be abaat at hooam, soa aw need'nt bother ony moor
wi letter writin. Aw went to th' pooast office an' paid 30 cents for a
stamp an' sent it off, an when aw gate back to whear awd left Billy, aw
fan him hard asleep an' th' sun shinin straight daan his throit. A claat
o' th' side o' th' heead wakkened him, an' he jumpt up to show feight
but th' seet o' mi umbrella nop quietened him an' as he saw whear he wor
an' who wor anent him he smiled an' sed, "A'a! is it thee Sammy? Aw wor
ommost droppin off!"

"Aw think tha had dropt off, but what are we to do wi ussen nah, for aw
mak nowt o' caarin here, let's have a walk."

"Ov coorse, awm sewer if tha thowt onnybody wor comfortable tha'd want
to disturb em, but tha may do as tha likes for it will'nt last long.
If awm spared to see yond bed o' mine agean awl have sich a sleep as
aw havnt had lately--start off wi thi an' get us booath lost an' then
tha'll be happy."

I' spite o' what Billy sed, aw knew he wor better pleeased to be walkin
abaat nor sittin still, soa we went up one street an' daan another until
we gate into one'at wor like what Bradford market wol twenty year sin,
nobbut aw nivver saw onny English market wi sich a show o' fruit. Ommost
ivvery-thing wor ticketed, an' that wor a gooid thing for us, an' we
booath on us enjoyed ussen to us heart's content. Ther wor nowt moor
cappin to Billy an' me nor th' amaant o' plums, an' peaches, an' sich
like stuff'at we put aght o' th' seet. If we'd etten quarter as mich at
hooam we should ha been ligged up for a wick at leeast, an' should ha
thowt we wor lucky if we wornt ligg'd under th' sod. We heeard a band
o' music strike up soa we went to see what wor to do, an' it wor a
circus,--an' they had ther bills printed i' booath French an' English
soa we thowt it ud be a nice way to spend th' afternooin an' we should
be able to see th' difference between an' English show an' a French
en. We wor just gooin in when a chap touched me o' th' shoolder an' sed
summat, but aw shook mi heead--"Anglish?" he sed.

"English throo Yorksher," aw sed.

"O, well, I can speek Anglish--the Anglish peeples have been var goot
to me, I vill be goot to dem. You going to de cirque? yaas; I have some
ticket; my vife is sick an cannot come and I vill sell dem to you for
hafe--only two franc de one, four franc de two."

"What are we to do Billy?"

"Buy em ov coorse if tha thinks it'll save owt."

Soa aw tuk em an' gave him four franc's an' then he shovd us each a bill
in us hand an' grinned an' lifted off his hat, "One franc each if you
plees gentlemons."

"Oh, be blowed!" aw sed, "tak em back we want nooan on em!" but he began
quaverin abaat an' gabberin away an' whewin his arms abaat wol we wor
sooin ith' middle ov a craad, soa Billy gave him th' two francs an' he
bowed an' smiled as perlite as if we'd been his long lost uncles come to
leeav him a fortun. We went up th' steps an' gave th' chap th' tickets
but he wornt for lettin us goa in. It wor noa use tawkin to him for he
could'nt understand a word we sed. Aw just began to smell a rat an' aw
whispers to Billy, "Aw believe we've been done."

"Done or net done," he sed, "Awm baan in!" an' i' hauf a second th'
chap flew wi his heead agean tother side o' th' passage an' Billy an' me
walked in. Th' show wor gooin on, just th' same as ony other circus for
owt aw could see, an' Billy stawped forrad an' made straight for th'
best seeat he could find empty an' aw stuck to him for aw thowt two
together in a row wor better nor one, an' aw unlawsed th' tape at wor
teed raand th' middle o' mi umberel so as to give it fair play an'
aw set waitin for th' rumpus. In a bit a dapper little chap comes an'
touches Billy o' th' shoolder an' mooationed him to follow, but he mud
as well ha tried to coax one o' th' pyramids o' Egypt; Billy nivver
stirred but sat starin at two chaps ith' ring at wor playin antics wi a
long powl. After a while th' same chap comes back wi other two, one on
em dressed up like a malishyman ith' awkard squad, an' he touched Billy,
but net just as gently as tother had done, but Billy nivver stirred, soa
this chap shoves past me an' seizes him bi th' collar, (which to say th'
leeast on it wor a fooilish thing to do until he'd calkilated th' weight
o' th' chap,) an' th' next minit he wor dooin a flyin lowp an' turned a
summerset into th' middle o' th' ring. This wor a performance'at they'd
nivver seen befoor an' th' audience all jumpt up an' th' chaps wi th'
powl threw it on th' sawdust an' lukt as capt as ony o' tothers. Billy
stood thear like a baited bull, waitin for th' next. Aw dooant know who
th' next wor but he did'nt show up. Aw could'nt help feelin a bit praad
o' Billy, an' altho' awm gettin into years aw grun mi teeth an' felt
detarmined at awd feight as long as a bit o' th' umberel ud hing
together. But it seemed at gooid luck had'nt forsaken us for one o' th'
actors coom up to us an as sooin as awd a gooid luk at his face aw
knew him in a minit, for awd seen th' same chap wi Pinder's circus i'
Bradforth, an' he knew me an' laffed wol aw wor feeard he'd braik his
middle garment, (aw dooant know what they call it, but its that'at they
sew spangles on an' devides ther legs from ther carcase,) an' aw tell'd
him what had takken place, an' he tell'd tother chaps an' then he sed
'he'd made it all right for us and we must wait for him when all was
over,' we promised we wod, an' aw felt a bit easier i' mi mind to
know'at we'd getten another o' awr side. Th' performance went on then,
but ther wor nowt in it different to what awd seen befoor an' we wor
booath pleeased when it wor ovver. Herr L------t wor as gooid as his
word an' wor sooin wi us, an' we walked aght withaat onybody mislestin
us. It seems'at we'd been duped, for th' tickets we'd bowt wor old
ens'at had been done away wi sin th' year befoor, an' when we showed
th' programes he laft harder nor ivver, an' he sed, one on em wor for
a theatre an' tother wor a bill o' fare for a cafe. We gat some
refreshments an' then Herr L----l left us an' we set off agean i' search
o' adventurs. Ther wor a craad raand a shop winder soa we went to see
what it wor. It wor a pictur'at filled th' whole o' th' winder, an' if
yo daat, as some fowk may, th' trewth o' what aw say, ax some o' yor
friends'at's been, an' if that will'nt satisfy, read what th' "Graphic"
correspondent says. It wor th' figure ov a woman, dressed ith' same
fashion'at Adam an' Eve wore befoor they sewed fig leeavs together. It
wor moor nor life size an' shoo wor shown standin on her heead, an' th'
artist had taen gooid care'at yo should'nt mistak it for a man. It
wor surraanded wi dumb-bells, indian clubs, an' different gymnastic
implements, an' aw wor informed after'at it wor an advertisement for a
taicher o' gymnastics an wor intended to show ha a woman's form could
be developed wi folloin his advice an' takkin lessons off him--"But," aw
sed, "dooant yo think its scandalous to have sich a thing exhibited in a
public street whear men, wimmen an' childer have to pass?"

"Oh, you see we have none of that false modesty here, that you English
people have. The very thing you object to has become one of the sights
of Paris and your own countrymen are as anxious to pay it a visit as any

"Awm net gooin to say'at my countrymen are better nor yors, but this
aw will say,'at if yo consider what yo style their false modesty to be
their hypocrisy, aw hooap an' trust they'll continue to be hypocrites
an' to breed em as long as th' world lasts: for awd rayther have a chap
at tried to appear gooid, even if he isnt, nor one at'll flaunt his
brazen sin an wickedness i' yor face!"

It wor a grand relief to sit daan agean ith' cooil o' th' day an' sip
a drop o' coffee; (an' ther's noa mistak, they can mak coffee up to th'
mark,) ther wor just a gentle breeze an' fowk wor all awther lollin an'
takkin ther ease or else hurryin on to th' theatres. It ommost seems as
if pleasure wor ther livin, an' to a gurt extent aw suppooas it is. As
we'd been up all th' neet befoor we agreed to goa to bed i' gooid time
so as to be prepared for th' next day. We strolled along a rayther dark
an' narrow street till we coom to a door wi a row o' lamps ovver th'
top--fowk wor rollin in, an' bi th' bills we could manage to mak it aght
to be a sooart o' Variety Theatre. Havin a bit o' time to spare we went
in, an' it reminded me varry mich o' th' same sooart o' places at hooam.
It wor pretty well filled an' th' fowk seemed varry weel behaved, tho'
some o' th' men's faces wor ugly enough to freeten a child into a fit.
Th' band played some grand music, an' it wor a treat to hear "God save
the Queen," as a pairt on it. It seemed to have moor meanin nor awd
ivver known it to have befoor--Th' singers aw did'nt mak mich on,'ith'
furst place ther wor nobbut one on em'at had a voice ony moor musical
nor a penny trumpet, an' they shrugged ther shoolders an' twisted ther
faces an' stuck ther hands into sich shapes'at they lukt varry mich like
tryin to play th' fooil an' had'nt lent ha--One woman,--a strapper shoo
wor too--wi a voice as strong as a steam organ, an as sweet--coom
on drest to represent Liberty--republican liberty aw mean,--an' shoo
shaated an' yell'd an' threw hersen into shapes, an' waved a flag abaat,
an' altogether kickt up sich a row,'at th' fowk all began to shaat an'
yell an' wave ther caps abaat as if they wor goin wrang i' ther
heeads, (if sich heeads can,) an' when shoo'd done they kept up sich a
hullaballoo wol shoo coom back agean for a oncoor, but we'd had enough
soa we pyked aght as quietly as we could an' wended us way hooam. We bid
one another 'gooid neet,' an' wor sooin i' bed, net sooary to know at it
ud be Sundy ith' mornin.

[Illustration: 0115]

[Illustration: 0116]


[Illustration: 9116]

VEN i' Payris day seems to braik moor softly lo' th' Sabbath nor ony
other day i' th' wick, an' th' burds tune ther throats to a mellower
nooat, an' th' sun seems to kiss old mother Eearth moor lovingly,
an' th' trees wave ther branches wi' a slower, statelier nod, as they
whisper to each other an' to ivverything araand, "It's Sunday." It may
nobbut be a fancy, but it's one o' them fancies aw favor, an' i' th'
time o' bits o' upsets an' bother, (an' aw get mi' share same as th'
rest o' fowk,) aw fall back o' that inner chaymer whear aw've stoored up
pleasant memories an' fond con-caits an' find a comfort i' livin for a
while amang mi fancies an' mi follies. When aw gat daan to mi braikfast
Billy wor waitin', an' aw could see'at Sundy made a difference even to
him. His shirt neck lukt stiffer, an' he'd put a extra dooas o' tutty on
his top-pin', an' he'd treated hissen to a shave for th' furst time
sin he'd left hooam, an' when he bid me gooid mornin', he called me
Sammywell asteead o' Sammy, an' if it hadn't been for him sayin' ("Aw
wonder ha they'll be gooin on at hooam? if it's a day like this mi
mother'll be run off her feet;--shoo should tak between four an' five
paand to day for ale, to say nowt abaat cheese an' breead an' cold beef;
but happen if it runs owt short to day we'st be able to mak it up next
wick, for shoo'll nooan forget to let fowk know whear aw am, an' they'll
be sewer to call after aw get back to hear ha aw've getten on. What are
we to do wi' ussen, Sammywell?") Aw should ha thowt'at he'd th' same
sooart o' feelins as me; but use is second natur they say, soa aw made
noa moor remark abaat it.

"Well, aw thowt aw should like to goa to one o' th' cemetaries for they
tell me they are beautiful places."

"Awm reight for onywhear if there isn't mich trailin' abaat, but mi legs
feel rayther stiff this mornin' What a racket all them bells keep up!
They've been at it ivver sin aw wakkened this mornin'. They must goa to
church i' gooid time i' theas pairts."

"They do, an' aw should ha gooan misen but aw couldn't ha understood owt
they'd sed, but if tha's a mind we'll start aght nah for it's a pity to
loise this grand mornin'."

When we went into th' street, ivverything lukt breeter an' cleaner nor
usual--th' fowk wor hurryin' along i' opposite ways, all weel-dressed
an' cleean, an' throo ivvery pairt o' th' city th' bells wor ringin' an'
nubdy could mistak'at it wor th' time for Payris to be at church. Th'
lanlord wor stood at th' door lazily smookin' his pipe, an' aw ax'd him
which cemetary he considered best worth a visit, but he sed he didn't
know for he'd nivver been to one but he'd heeard a gooid deeal said
abaat Pere la Chaise, an' th' best way wor to get a carriage an' ride
thear for we should have plent o' walkin' abaat at after. "What time do
yo expect to land back?" he sed, "we shut up at eleven on Sundays soa
yo'll know."

"Why," aw says, "aw hardly know but couldn't yo let us have a latch-kay
soas if we should be lat we can get in?"

"We've noa latch kays, but as yor two chaps aw can trust, awl let yo
have th' kay for th' back door an' then yo can come in what time yo
like, an' awl leeav th' gas burnin' an' a bit o' supper ready for yo."

We tell'd him we wor varry much obleeged to him, an' aw put th' kay
i' mi pocket an' we wor sooin comfortably seated in a carriage drivin'
along. It's cappin ha different streets luk when th' shops are shut up!
we'd gooan ovver a lot o' th' same graand befoor but us een had seldom
or ivver been lifted higher nor th' furst stoory, but nah we wor
surprised to see what a lot o' things ther wor aboon'at wor worth
nooatice. Awd nivver enjoyed a ride better an' aw felt ommost sooary
when we gate to th' entrance. We paid th' cabby an' walked in, an' when
aw tell yo'at we wor content to spend th' mooast pairt o' th' day thear
yo may be sewer ther wor summat worth stoppin' for. To me th' graves an'
th' monuments wor th' leeast interestin' o' owt we saw, but th' walks
under th' trees an' between beds o' th' richest coloured flaars, set
like brilliant gems ith' midst o' emerald green velvet, carried mi
thowts back to what awd seen at th' Crystal Palace, but it worn't
to compare one wi' t'other but to contrast'em, for this wor as mich
superior to that as that had been to owt awd seen befoor.

"What does ta think it luks like, Billy?"

"Aw dooan't know what it's like, but it's as unlike a cemetary as owt aw
ivver saw; let's sit daan an' have a rest."

They seem to think a deeal moor o' ther deead nor we do, for ther wor
hardly a stooan or a grass covered grave but what had wreaths o' flaars
strewn over'em, yet amang all th' craads'at passed us aw could find no
trace o' sorrow or sadness, an' them'at had flaars i' ther hands to lay
ovver th' remains o' one'at had been dear to'em when livin', wor laffin
an' chattin' away as if they wor gooin' to a gala, but yet they all wor
dressed in the "habiliments of woe"--fashion an' show,--nowt else!=

``"What impious mockery, when, with soulless art,

``Fashion, intrusive, seeks to rule the heart;

``Directs how grief may tastefully be borne;

``Instructs Bereavement just how long to mourn;

``Shows Sorrow how by nice degrees to fade,

``And marks its measure in a ribbon's shade!

``More impious still, when, through her wanton laws,

``She desecrates Religion's sacred cause;

``Shows how the narrow road is easiest trod,

``And how, genteelest, worms may worship God."=

Th' place had getten soa full o' fowk wol we thowfc it wor time to be
movin', an' nivver had aw seen sich a change as had takken place wol
we'd been in. We gate into a ricketty cab an' telled him to drive to
Champs Elysees, net'at we'd owt particular to goa for but aw knew if we
wor set daan thear'at aw should be able to find mi way hooam an' have
a chonce to see ha one pairt o' th? city spent Sundy. Th' streets wor
fairly filled wi' fowk, the cawseys wor ommost blocked an' moor cabs
an' carriages wor ith' streets nor we'd ivver seen. It wor hardly to
be wondered at on sich a afternoon'at fowk should be tempted aght for
a ride or walk; an' it made up a seet moor gay nor owt we'd witnessed
befoor. Th' Cafes an' shops wor oppen, (net all th' shops but mooast
on'em,) an' it seemed to bi far th' busiest day ith' wick. Ther wor
noa church bells ringin' nah, th' fowk had getten throo ther religious
nomony for th' day, an' them'at hadn't had time to: goa back hooam an'
leeave ther prayer-books had'em stickin' aght o' ther pockets as they
sat ith' front o' th' drinkin' shops playin' cards an' laffin' an'
smok'in' Awm net able to argefy as to whether it's reight or wrang, but
it isn't my noation o' "Remember the Sabbath day to keep it Holy."

Old England has a lot to answer for i' that respect, maybe a deeal moor
nor we're apt to admit, still Payris licks all places aw ivver did
see for th' amaant o' religion it can booast an' for th' want o'
Christianity'at characterizes it.

We'd had noa dinner soa we went into a place an' ordered Cafe au lait,
bifteck, Champignons, pain an' beurre, an' if yo cannot tell what that
is awd advise yo to get to know befoor yo goa, for yol find it's nooan
a bad pooltice for a empty stummack. Aw noaticed'at other fowk sittin'
raand rayther stared when th' chap browt it, but they stared far moor
when he tuk th' empty plates away in abaat ten minutes at after. When
we'd squared up we went aghtside agean, an' pickin' aght a little
table'at wor as far removed as onny throo th' craad'at wor sittin'
ith' front, an' one'at wor grandly shaded wi' a young sycamore tree, we
ordered brandy an' watter an' cigars, an' sat daan intendin to enjoy th'
richness an' th' beauties ov an evenin' sich as it mud be a long time
befoor we should have th' chonce ov enjoyin' agean. Sittin' under a tree
has it's advantages, but ther's allusa drawback to all pleasures i'
this life. Th' French fowk as a nation are varry perlite, but they
dooant seem to have eddi-cated th' burds up to th' same pitch, an' aw
suppooas burds will be burds whether they're i' Payris or i' Pudsey;
at onyrate, when aw pickt up mi brandy an' watter aw saw ther'd been an
addition to it sin th' waiter put it daan,'at caused me to teem it daan
th' gutter asteead o' daan mi throit. Billy tuk warnin' bi my mishap an'
he made sewer o' his. It wor noa serious loss for aw railly didn't want
it, but yo cannot sit at sich places withaat havin' to spend summat.
Th' sun wor settin' an' th' sky lukt all aflame for a while, an' then it
faded away an' a soft purplish Ieet crept ovver th' heavens, an' th' day
went to sleep an' neet drew th' curtain ov his bed. Th' lamps wor sooin
aleet but their glories wor sooin at an end, for th' mooin coom smilin'
up, an' flingin' her silvery rays, turned ivverything into fairyland.
"We nivver see moonleet as breet as this at hooam, Billy."

"Noa, aw wor just thinkin' it ud be grand to have a bit o' poachin' ov
a neet like this; awl bet ther's two-o-three chaps sittin' i' yond
haase o' mine to neet'at ud give a wick's wage for a mooin like that i'

"Billy!" aw sed, disgusted, "aw believe tha's noa poetry i' thi soul!"

"Varry likely net, but aw've getten a pain i' mi back wi' caarin' o'
this peggifoggin' stooil, th' top on it's nobbut abaat big enuff to mak
a sealin' wax stamp on."

We made a move towards hooam then, but we didn't hurry for it wor soa
cooil an' pleasant, an' for fear o' landin too sooin we tuk a bit ov a
raand abaat way'at we felt sewer ud land us at th' same spot. It's just
as fooilish a thing for a chap to tak a raand abaat rooad to a place i'
Payris if he doesn't know it, as it is for a stranger to try to tak
a short cut i' Lundun, for he's sewer to get wrang. Billy an' me kept
walkin' on an' tawkin' abaat what arrangements we'd to mak abaat gettin'
hooam, an' aw heeard a clock strike eleven.

"It's a gooid job aw browt this kay wi' mi," aw sed, "for we'st be lockt
aght. This rooad's takken us farther nor awd ony idea on, an' awm blest
if aw can tell whear we are."

"It's just like thi! an' nah when tha's trailed me abaat wol mi feet's
soa sooar aw can hardly bide to put'em daan aw expect tha'll find
aght'at we're two or three mile off hooam."

"We cannot be far away nah," aw sed, tho awm blessed if aw knew ony
better nor a fooil whear we wor or whear we wor gooin; "an' if th' warst
comes to th' warst tha knows Billy we can do as we've done befoor--get a

"If tha'd to wark for thy brass same as aw've to do for mine tha'd nooan
be soa varry fond o' payin' it for cabs."

Aw wor a bit put aght an' aw knew he wor, soa we nawther on us sed
another word but kept marchin' on an' aw wor i' hooaps o' meetin' a
poleeceman to see if he could tell us whear we wor, but th' poleece
are th' same all th' world ovver, for they're nivver thear when they're
wanted. Aw felt sewer we should meet with a cab or summat, but th'
streets seemed as if ivverybody'd gooan to bed all at once. It'll be a
long time befoor aw forget that walk, aw lukt all raand an' up an' daan
but aw couldn't see a thing awd ivver seen befoor except th' mooin an
that couldn't help me ony; th' clock struck twelve--Billy gave a sigh
but sed nowt--all at once aw heeard th' clink ov a metal heel on th'
causey an aw stopt. It wor a gaily dressed young woman hurryin' off
somewhear. Aw stopt anent her an' shoo stopt, an' aw tried to mak her
understand what we wanted but shoo could mak nowt on it, an' as sooin
as shoo saw it wor noa use tryin' to coax us to goa her way unless we'd
been sewer her way wor awrs shoo sailed away an' left us. It wor a fit
o' desperation'at caused me to seize hold o' Billy's arm an' march daan
a narrow street, but it wor a stroke o' gooid luck as it happened, for
at th' bottom o' th' street wor th' river. Aw lukt to see which way th'
watter wor runnin' an' then cheered up wi' hooaps we set off agean. We
didn't need to mak ony enquiries nah, soa we met plenty o' poleece, but
noa cabs, but it wor a long walk befoor we coom to owt we knew, but
at last we did, an' th' clock struck one. We'd abaat two miles to walk
then, for it wor evident we'd been altogether astray--but aw mun gie
Billy credit for patience that time for he nivver grummeled a bit,
although he limped a gooid deeal. We gat hooam at last an' as we
expected all wor shut up an' i' darkness. Nah we'd nawther on us ivver
been awther in or aght o' th' back door but we went to seek it an' as
ther wor nobbut one ther worn't mich fear on us makkin a mistak, an' we
could see th' leet'at wor inside shinin' throo th' winder shutters. Aw
put th' kay i'th' hoil an' th' door wor oppened in a sniff an' a welcome
seet it wor at met us. A bit o' fire wor burnin' i'th' range, an' at
that time o' th' mornin' a bit o' fire's alluswelcome, an' aw turned
th' leet up, an' thear on th' table wor a grand set aght for two. Ther
wor fish an' a joint o' cold beef, a big dish o' sallit an' some nice
butter an' breead, an' two bottles o' Bass' ale an' a bottle o' claret;
an' th' raam wor a deeal nicer fitted up nor th' big shop we'd alius
been used to havin' us meals in. "This is a change for th' better," aw
sed, "aw wish we'd known abaat this be-foor."

"It's all ov a piece is thy wark,--tha allusfinds ivverything aght when
it's too lat! Here we've been all this time, as uncomfortable as ivver
we could be caarin i' that big raam, when we mud ha been enjoyin' ussen
in here if tha'd nobbut ha oppened thi maath! but aw can just do justice
to it to neet, soa let's start."

He drew all th' three bottles an' he supt th' ale aght o' one befoor
he touched owt to ait, but it didn't interfere wi' his appetite, an'
aw can't say'at aw could find ony fault wi' mi own. Th' fish sooin
disappeared, an' th' beef grew smaller hi degrees, an' we didn't leeav
a drop o' ale nor claret, an' when we'd finished Billy propoased a smook
befoor we went to bed, but when he pooled his watch aght to see what
time it wor, he saw it wor standin', an' as aw hadn't one aw gate up to
oppen th' door'at led into th' big raam whear we'd been used to sit, for
aw knew ther wor a clock thear; but by-gow! aw lawpt aght o' that shop
sharper nor aw went in. "Billy!" aw says, "Bi th' heart, lad! we'st be
put i'th' hoil for this! We've getten into th' wrang haase!"

"Then awm one'at's baan to get aght," he sed, an' seizin' his booits off
th' harthstun he aght o' th' door like a shot--he didn't limp then, awl
awarrant yo! Aw sammed up my booits an' seizin' th' kay aw after him in
a twinklin' When we gat into th' street ther worn't a soul stirrin' Aw
lukt up at th' winders to mak sewer we wor anent us own lodgins an' then
aw went to th' end o' th' buildin', an' aw saw a door'at we'd missed
befoor. "Here we are, Billy!" aw shaated in a whisper. Aw oppened th'
door an' we went in pratly, an' we sooin saw'at we wor ith' reight shop
this time. A supper wor thear but we wanted nooan on it, we lockt th'
door an' turned aght th leet an' crept up stairs o' tippy-tooa, an'
befoor yo could ha caanted ten we wor booath i' bed. Yo may be sewer we
wor booath wide enough awake, an' when in abaat fifteen minits we heeard
two wimmin skrikin an' some men shaatin', an' fowk runnin' up an' daan
th' Street, an' somdy brayin' at th' door at th' place we lodged at,
we'd a varry gooid noation o' what wor up, an' as we didn't think'at
we should ha gained ony moor information nor what we knew already, we
thowt'at it wor awr best plan to stop whear we wor, an' if we couldn't
sleep we could snoor, an' we at it i' hard eearnest, an' when th'
maister coom an' knockt gently at furst one door an' then t'other an'
heeard th' music'at we wor makkin' aw think he thowt th' same as we did,
an' couldn't find in his heart to disturb us. Ha th' fowk went on at wor
aghtside we could nobbut guess, but th' sun wor shinin' breetly befoor
all wor quietened daan; then we did fall asleep an' it wor nine o'clock
when Billy coom to my door to wakken me. He shoved his heead in an'
says, "Sammy! Sammywell!"

"What's up?".

"Has ta heeard owt abaat thieves braikin' into th' haase next door?"

"Thieves? what thieves? Aw've nobbut just wak-kened! aw know nowt abaat

"No moor do aw," he sed. "Awm baan daan to mi braikfast an' tha can coom
as sooin as tha'rt ready."

Th' events o th' neet befoor flashed across mi mind in a minit--aw
saw his meanin', an' when aw'd getten donned aw went daan to join him
prepared to act gawmless abaat all it wouldn't be wise to know.

[Illustration: 0128]


[Illustration: 9128]

HER wor plenty to tawk abaat at th' braikfast table, an' all sooarts
o' guesses wor made as trick, but ov coorse we could'nt tell owt at wor
sed, nobbut what th' lanlord repeated to us, an' aw thowt he lukt varry
hard at us ivvery nah an' then as if he thowt it wor just possible we
knew moor abaat it nor we felt inclined to tell, but that mud happen
be all fancy, for we know'at a guilty conscience is sooin accused. In
a while we wor left to ussen an' had time to think abaat ha to mak th'
best use o' th' few haars at wor left us, for we'd made up us minds to
goa hooam that neet. It wor a weet mornin but yet it wor a varry welcome
change, for it made all feel nice an' fresh an' cooil. Billy wor quite
lively an' he says, "Nah Sammy, whear are we to steer for to-day?"

"Awve just been readin this book," aw sed, "an' it tells me'at one o'
th' mooast wonderful seets i' Payris is th' sewers."

"Sewers! what sewers?"

"Th' drains;--yo can travel varry near all under th' city ith' drains,
an' aw think that's a thing'at we owt'nt to miss. Aw've travelled on
th' undergraand railway but this'll be th' undergraand watterway.--What
says ta?"

"Why as far as drains is consarned, awd rayther swallow hauf a duzzen
nor be swallow'd bi one misen, an' as thas had me on th' watter an' sent
me up to th' sky, an' trailed me ovver th' surface o' th' eearth in a
foreign land, aw think awst do varry weel for one trip withaat gooin
into th' bowels o' th' eearth."

"Well, aw hardly think its a thing likely to suit thi, but its just
one o' them seets at aw dooant meean to miss, for aw wor allus ov a
scientific turn o' mind, an' studyin th' results o' man's inginuity
suits me; an' if tha likes to wait here wol aw get back or say whear
aw can find thi at a sarten time, awl awther come back here or meet thi
whear tha likes."

"Tha'rt varry kind Sammy, an' varry scientific too, noa daat; but all
thy science is like thi beauty, for its all aght o' th' seet. Aw dooant
like to run onny man daan, an' tha knows aw wod'nt hurt thi feelins,
but aw must say'at aw nivver knew at it tuk onny science to mak a
poverty-knocker; but aw defy yo to mak a brewer aght ov a chap at's born
withaat it. Science is to brewin what a horse is to a cart, its what
maks it goa, an' aw defy thee, or yor Mally awther, for that matter, to
say at aw cannot mak a brewin goa as weel as onny man! soa shut up abaat
science as long as tha lives!"

"Aw believe thi when tha says tha can mak a brewin goa, an' unless it
wor a varry big en tha'd be able to do it withaat onnybody's help; but
if tha thinks becoss a chap's a wayver'at he's nowt in his heead but
weft an' warp, thar't varry mich mis-takken, for some o' th' cliverest
chaps aw ivver met wor wayvers."

"Varry likely,--becoss tha's spent th' mooast o' thi time amang em, but
if tha'd kept a beershop like yond o' mine at th' moor-end, tha'd ha
met wi all sooarts o' fowk throo wayvers up to caah-jobbers, to say nowt
abaat excisemen an' magistrates. Thy mind's like a three quarter loom,
it can produce things up to a three quarter width an' noa moor, but
mine's different, it'll wratch to ony width, an' when tha begins tawkin
abaat science tha shows thi fooilishness;--net at aw meean to say tha'rt
a fooil,--nowt o' th' sooart,--but aw think tha owt to be thankful to
know'at tha arn'nt one, seein what a varry narrow escape tha's had."

"Billy,--if tha's getten thi praichin suit on an' fancies tha can tawk
to me like tha tawks to yond swillguts'at tha meets at th' moor-end,
thas made a mistak. Awm off to see th' sewers an' tha can awther come or
stop as thas a mind."

"Come! ov coorse aw shall come! for if aw did'nt aw dooant think they'd
ivver let thi come aght, for they'd varry likely think that wor th'
fittest place for thi--mun they're far seein fowk abaat here."

"Well, aw think th' risk o' bein kept daan'll be doubled if tha gooas,
but awm willin' to risk it."

"Does ta think thers onny risk on us gettin draanded?"

"They'll nivver be able to draand thee until tha gets some moor weight
i' thi heead, soa tha'rt safe enuff."

"If that's soa, tha's noa need for a life belt, soa come on!"

We gat th' lanlord to write it on a piece a paper whear we wanted to
goa, for we could'nt affoord to loise ony time, an' jumpin into a cab we
wor driven off.

Nah, it'll saand strange to some fowk to hear tell abaat ridin throo
a main sewer in a railway carriage, but its just as true as it is
strange--th' carriages are nobbut little ens reight enuff, an' ther's
noa engins, but ther's men to pool an' men to shov an' yo goa along
varrv nicely--its like travellin throo a big railway tunnel nobbut
ther's a river runnin along side on yo or under yo all th' way, an' net
a varry nice en--but awm sewer awve seen th' Bradford beck as mucky an'
as black. It wor leeted i' some pairts wi' gas, an' i' some pairts wi
lamps an' th' names o' th' streets at yo wor passin under wor put up,
an' nah an' then yo passed a boat wi men in it, an' ivverything luked
wonderful but flaysome. Billy sed he thowt they made a mistak to charge
fowk for gooin in, it ud be better to charge em for comin aght, an'
aw wor foorced to agree wi him for once, for i' spite o' all ther
ventilation, ther wor a sickenin sensation at aw should'nt care to have
aboon once. Dayleet an' fresh air wor varry welcome when we gate into em
agean, an' for all mi love o' science aw could'nt but admit'at ther wor
seets at we'd missed'at awd rayther ha seen. If we'd been booath gooid

Templars it wod ha proved an' economical trip for we wanted noa dinner,
but as we wornt, awm feeard it proved rayther expensive. Brandy at hauf
a franc a glass caants up when yo get a duzzen or two, but ther wor nowt
else for it at we could see, an' as we went hooam to pack up us bits o'
duds aw discovered at things had getten a varry awkard way o' doublin
thersen, an' Billy wanted to stand at ivvery street corner to sing 'Rule
Brittania,' but we landed safely an' gate a cup o' teah an' that set us
all straight agean. Th' train left for Calais at 8 o'clock, an' it
tuk us all us time to settle up an' get us luggage to th' station. Th'
landlord went part way wi us for he had to call to get a new lock an kay
for his back door, for he'd a nooation'at his next door naybor's kay wod
fit his lock, an it wod be varry awkward if they'd to mak a mistak some
neet and get into th' wrang shop. Billy said he thowt soa too, an it wor
varry wise to guard agean sich things i' time. Altho' we wor booath on
us glad to turn us faces toward hooam yet we felt a regret to leave a
place wi soa monny beauties, an' sich a lot'at we'd nivver had a chonce
to see; for ther's noa denyin it--Natur an' art have done all they could
to mak it th' finest city ith' world--It hasnt th' quiet classic beauty
o' Edinbro', nor th' moil an' bustle o' Lundun, nor th' quiet sedate
luk o' Dublin--nor can it compare wi some o' th' startlin featurs o'
th' American cities, but its fresher an' leetsomer an' altogether moor
perfect nor ony one on em. It seemed a long wearisom ride throo Payris
to Calais an' it wor a miserable drizzlin neet when we gate thear an'
we lost noa time i' gettin onto th' booat at wor waitin. What wor th'
difference between furst class passengers an' third class we could'nt
tell for all seemed to mix in amang. After a grunt or two we wor off,
an' th' mooin peept aght o' th' claads as if to say 'gooid bye' an' wish
us gooid luk--th' waves coom wi a swish an' a swash agean th' vessel's
side, an' th' two electric lamps glared after us from th' shore like two
big een, an' marked a path o' leet on th' watter for us to goa by. Th'
neet cleared up, but it wor varry chill, an' Billy an' me stopt on th'
deck all th' time. We had'nt a bit o' sickly feelin soa we could enjoy a
smook an' luk abaat us. Mooast o' th' fowk wor asleep an' all wor quiet,
an' nowt happened worth mentionin until dayleet showed us th' white
cliffs o' old England.

It wor like as if it gave mi heart a bit ov a fillip an' aw felt aw mud
awther aght wi' summat or aw should brust, for nivver did a child run
to meet its mother wi' moor joyous heart nor aw had when drawn near mi
native land--Billy wor capt when aw struck up--=

``They may say what they will, but no Englishman's


```Whate'er his condition may be;

``But feels a keen pang when he's forced to depart,

```And a thrill when he comes back to thee.

``For whatever thy faults, thou art dear to us all,

```No matter what strange countries boast;

``No blessings are there, that can ever compare;

```With our home in thy sea-girdled coast.

```Then here's to thyself, thou wee bonny land,

````Here's a bumper, old England, to thee,

```Brave sons and fair daughters shall join heart and


````And sing "Ho, for the land of the free!"=

``If we grumble sometimes as all Englishmen will,

```And in politics fight tooth and nail;

``When hard times are pinching and trade standing still,

```If at government's tactics we rail;

``There's no rash outsider who dares interfere,

```Or he'll find to his cost if he tries;

``That our flag's independence to each one is dear,

```For there's freedom where ever it flies.

````Then here's to thyself, thou dearly loved land,

`````Here's a bumper, old England, to thee;

````Dizzy, Gladstone and Bright in one theme can


````And sing, "Ho, for the land of the free!"=

``If the world's all upset, and war's terrors abound,

```And tott'ring thrones threaten to fall;

``Thy Lion on guard, keeps his watch all around,

```And his growl gives a warning to all.

``They have seen his mane bristle, and heard his deep


```And his grip, once felt, none will forget;

``And although he's grown older he's strong as of yore,

```And he's king of the world even yet!

````Then here's to thyself thou wee bonny land,

`````Here's a bumper, old England, to thee;

```Thou hast nothing to fear, whilst our hearts hold

`````thee dear

````Then "Hurrah! for the land of the free!"=

We stept ashore an' th' train wor waitin. Dover wor a strange place to
me but still it felt like hooam--aw gat into a comfortable carriage,
lained mi heead back o' th' cushin an' when aw wakkened we wor at

[Illustration: 0136]


[Illustration: 9136]

T wor seven o'clock ith' mornin when we arrived at Victoria Station--an'
as we wanted to get ooam withaat loisin ony time we tuk a cab to
King's Cross. It wor a breet clear mornin' an' as we rattled along th'
streets, ivvery buildin lukt like an' old friend, an' th' same feelin'
coom ovver me at awve soa oft felt befoor--what had passed seemed mich
moor like a dreeam nor a reality. Aw noaticed at Billy put on some airs
at awd nivver seen him spooart befoor, an' if aw had'nt known him aw mud
ha mistakken him for Beaconsfield commin back after signin th' Berlin
treaty, but then he's a deal bigger man nor Beaconsfield is Billy, an'
if his influence isnt as big ith' city, he's weightier ith' corporation.
But awm sewer he lukt better bi monny a paand nor when we started. When
we gat to th' station we fan at we'd a bit o' time to spend befoor ther
wor a train soa we went an' gate a cup o' coffee an' summat to ait.

"Nah, Billy," aw sed, "aw should like to know if tha's enjoyed thi

"Ov coprse aw've enjoyed it! Did ta think aw went to be miserable? It
isnt oft aw set off throo hooam, but when aw do aw mak up mi mind to
enjoy mysen. But aw dooant care ha sooin aw get back hooam nah, for awst
ha to start brewin to-morn."

"Well, tha luks a deeal better onyway,--an' awm sewer thi mother'll be
fain to see thi soa mich improved."

"Thee think abaat yor Mally an' leeav me an' mi mother to manage us own
affairs--If aw've getten a bit better awve paid for it aw reckon!
Tha tell'd me'at it wod'nt cost aboon ten paand an' it's cost aboon
eleven,--Aw've enjoyed misen furst rate an' aw do feel a trifle better,
an' awve enjoyed thy compny varry weel too, but if aw wor gooin agean
awd goa be misen."

"Tha cant get me mad this mornin soa its noa use to try, an' tha'd
better save thi wind to blow thi porridge when tha gets hooam."

"Well, that's reight enuff; tha knows what aw mean,--but aw say--wi' ta
promise me at tha'll keep thi maath shut abaat them frogs?--Nah fair
dealins amang mates, Sammy."

"Awl promise thi one thing," aw says, "awl tell now't at isnt true, an'
if what aw tell isnt pleasant it's becoss trewth isnt pleasant at all

"Do as tha likes an' gooid luck to thi lad! Th' time's ommost up lets be

We wor just i' time an' after a partin glass to start wi for fear ther
might'nt be a chonce to get one at th' finish, we jumpt into th' train
an' wor sooin lessenin th' distance between Lundun an' Bradford. Th'
journey wor pleasant enuff but it seemed rayther long as it does when
yor anxious to get to th' far end, but we landed at last, an' wod yo
believe it? Ther wor Mally an' Hepsaba waitin at th' station for me--It
wor a little attention at they'd nivver shown me befoor, an' aw felt
touched,--for awm varry soft hearted.

"Whativver made thi come to meet me Mally?" aw sed.

"Aw coom becoss aw wor feeard tha'd happen ha started a growin a
mushtash an' thart freet big enuff as it is, an' aw thowt awd tak thi to
th' barbers to get made daycent befoor tha coom hooam, for tha's been a
laffin stock for th' naybors long enuff; an aw wanted to set mi mind at
ease abaat that umberel, for thart nooan to be trusted, an awve hardly
been able to sleep for dreamin at tha'd lost it, but if tha had tha'd ha
been wise nivver to show thi face here agean!"

"Well, but tha sees aw havnt, an if awd had aw suppooas its mi own?"

"What's thine's mine aw reckon?"

"An' what made thee come to meet me Hepsaba?"

"Aw coom to see what yo'd browt for us, soas aw could ha mi pick afoor
yo'd pairted wi' th' best."

"Why lass, awve browt misen an' that's all, aw should think that owt to
satisfy thi."

"If that's all yo need'nt ha gooan for we had yo befoor."

Mally an' her walked off arm i' arm, takkin th' umberel wi em an nivver
spaiking a word, but just givin a nod to Billy--"Awl tell thi what we'll
do," sed Billy--"we'll just goa into th' taan an' ware abaat a paand a
piece o' some sooart o' gimcracks an' we'll mak'em believe we have browt
summat after all!"

Aw thowt it wor a gooid nooation soa we went an' bowt a cap for Mally
an' a pair a gloves for Hepsaba, an' a imitation meersham pipe for Ike,
an' one or two moor nonsensical things, an' then we put em i' my box at
th' station. Billy bowt a new dress piece, real French merino for his
mother, an' then we shook hands an' pairted. My reception wornt all at
aw could wish when aw went in hooam, but when th' box wor oppened an'
Mally saw her cap, shoo pawsed th' cat off th' fender becoss it wor
sittin anent me, an' as sooin as Hepsaba gate her gloves, shoo fun me a
long pipe, an' filled it wi bacca an' gat me a leet, an' Ike sed 'he'd
hardly been able to bide at his wark, he wor soa anxious at aw should
land back safe;' an' he walked abaat wi' th' pipe in his maath as if awd
browt him th' grandest thing aght o' th' Exhibition--Ther wor nowt to
gooid for me just then, an' aw thowt at after all, Billy wornt happen
sich a fooil as aw tewk him to be.

[Illustration: 0140]

*** End of this Doctrine Publishing Corporation Digital Book "Seets I' Paris" ***

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