Title: The Bull Calf and Other Tales
Author: Frost, A. B. (Arthur Burdett)
Language: English
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[Illustration:

  THE
  BULL CALF
  AND
  OTHER TALES,

  BY
  A.B. FROST.
  CHARLES SCRIBNER'S SONS
  NEW YORK.
]



[Illustration:

  COPYRIGHT
  1892

  BY CHARLES SCRIBNER'S SONS
  NEW YORK.
]



[Illustration: CONTENTS]


                                                              PAGE

  _1._ _The Humane Man and the Bull Calf_                      _5_

  _2._ _A Warning to Mutton that Thinks Itself Lamb_          _19_

  _3._ _Antonio and Jeremiah; an Inharmonious Tale_           _29_

  _4._ _Dizzy Joe_                                            _37_

  _5._ _Violet's Experience_                                  _55_

  _6._ _The Entire Discomfiture of Uneasy Walker_             _63_

  _7._ _'Twas a Poem about Gentle Spring_                     _73_

  _8._ _The Kidnapping of Private Jean François: A Frontier_
       _Episode of the Next War_                              _87_

  _9._ _A Low Down Trick; or, Louisa's Capitulation_         _101_

  _10._ _A Tale of Two Tails_                                _109_



[Illustration: _The Humane Man and the Bull Calf._]


[Illustration]

[Illustration: "Make veal of that pretty creature! 'Tis a shame!" says
the Humane Man. "I will buy him and take him home to the children."]

[Illustration: "Ef Oi was you, Oi wud niver toi that rope around me
waist," says the former proprietor of the calf.

"Oh, never fear; he is a gentle thing," says the Humane Man.]

[Illustration: The "gentle thing" develops a tendency to play rather
startling to the Humane Man.]

[Illustration: And takes him for a little dash down a stony hill,]

[Illustration: But is stopped at the bottom by a small dog.]

[Illustration: "Be still, little calfy, till I untie this cord--that's
a good little calfy," says the Humane Man.]

[Illustration: Renewal of hostilities by the dog, and a circus
performance by the Humane Man and his purchase.]

[Illustration: Sudden termination to the circus performance owing to
the want of more rope. "You micro-cephalous idiot," says the Humane
Man, "if I had a knife I'd----"]

[Illustration: ----but the sentence is never finished, for again the
dog interferes and the Humane Man is unfurled.]

[Illustration: The "pretty creature" becomes really alarmed and goes
through a break in the fence leaving the Humane Man in a serious
position.]

[Illustration: Rescue of the Humane Man by natives--mutual
astonishment.]

[Illustration: "Boys," says the Humane Man, "you may have that calf--he
is yours on condition that he is made at once into _veal_--_minced
veal!!_"]



[Illustration: An adventure that befel Maria and Tobias.
               A warning to Mutton that thinks itself Lamb.]


[Illustration]

[Illustration: "Look at that hill, Maria; when we was children how we
did roll down hills like that. Wouldn't it be fun now?"

"Lor'! Toby! we're too old and fat fer the likes of that."

"Fat nothin'! come on, let's do it?"

"Well, you go ahead, I'll foller."]

[Illustration: "Hi! Maria, aint this glorious?--like we was children
agin!?"

"I don't know, Toby, I think I'll stop!"]

[Illustration: "Hold on, Maria; stop me!!!"

"Hold on to what, you ole fool, stop yerself!"]

[Illustration: "Them--was--briars--Maria!!"

"Think--I'm--'s--big--fool--as--you?"]

[Illustration: "Hol'--on--Maria--hol'--on."

"I--won't--ol'--fool!"]

[Illustration: "Are you there, Maria?"

"What's left of me's here!"

"Hol' on tight, Maria, we may start agin any minit!"

"I wish _you_ would, and never stop!"]

[Illustration: "Well, you're a nice lookin' objeck, Maria."

"If I look half as bad as you, I want to die right here!"]

[Illustration: _Voices of the night_: "You ole fool, I wish I'd never
seen you."

"Fool who? You proposed it, Maria!" etc., etc.]



[Illustration: Antonio and Jeremiah, an inharmonious tale.]


[Illustration]

[Illustration]

[Illustration]

[Illustration]

[Illustration]

[Illustration]

[Illustration]



[Illustration: Dizzy Joe.]


[Illustration]

[Illustration]

[Illustration: Mr. Hankins:--"I 'clar it's a shame to burn up a good
suit ov cloze like dem, jist when de man's gittin well, too!!"]

[Illustration: Mr. Hankins:--"Foh de lan's sake! I haint got a match!
and dey aint a house widin a mile ov dis!! Have to go git one though!"]

[Illustration: Dizzy Joe, the Wanderer:--"Well, here's luck! The
gen'l'min's gone in ter swim and fergot to cum out. Looks as if they'd
jist fit me!"]

[Illustration: Dizzy Joe:--"I hope these cloze won't be as hard ter git
out of as they was to git in ter! I'll jist give him my ole uns soze
he'll have _somethin'_ to wear!"]

[Illustration: Mr. Hankins:--"Jerusalem de golden! I never see a suit
ov cloze go to pieces quick ez dat suit of cloze did; dey must be jist
chock full er germs!" (_Dizzy Joe takes in the situation._)]

[Illustration: Voice from behind the fence:--"Lemme out!!! Come back
you black sinner and help me out!! Help!! Murder!!"]

[Illustration: Dizzy Joe:--"I-didn't-expect-to-have-to-take no
bath-this-year-but-if-I-must--]

[Illustration: . . . .--I must."]

[Illustration: Dizzy Joe:--"I don't believe Adam and Eve ever made no
suit of cloze outer leaves. I'd like ter ketch that black hyena that
burned up my Sunday duds."]

[Illustration: (_A month later._) Mr. Peter Hisites:--"This _is_ great.
The quiet solitude of the mighty woods _and_ a good lunch is what fits
_me_."]

[Illustration: Dizzy Joe:--"Excuse me, sir! I--whatsermatter?"]

[Illustration: Dizzy Joe:--"I was only about to remark, sir, when you
slipped off the log, that I would like to buy one of them sangwishes if
you'll take my note for it at thirty days."]

[Illustration: Mr. Peter Hisites (_ten minutes later_):--"Do you catch
on? We'll make fifty dollars a week apiece and our board an' washin'
out of it!"]

[Illustration: Mr. Peter Hisites:--"As I was sayin', there's more'n one
way of wearin' a coat."]

[Illustration: Mr. Peter Hisites:--"Step up, gen'l'min! Here's the
wild man of Hankhunkamunk; captured him myself, after a desperate
resistance, jist as I am. He's very dangerous; I carry a gun all the
time."]

[Illustration: Dizzy Joe (_to his spouse_):--"My dear, this beats
wanderin' on a mountain in a straw ulster, and livin' on jerked black
snake and blueberries--you bet!!"]



[Illustration: Violet's experience.]


[Illustration]

[Illustration: "You Lucullus Juniper! Has yo' done gone into yo' secon'
chile-hood? What you bringin' ole woreout cast-iron images wif dey arms
broke off roun' here fo'?"

"Don' you pester yo'sef 'bout dat figger Emmerline Jane; dat's a little
surprise fo' Vi'let!"]

[Illustration: "Now you Vi'let, dis here gen'l'min is a mos' pertickler
fren' ov mine. If I go 'way an' leave you, I don' want none ov yo'
kicken tricks; you heah me?"]

[Illustration: "Dat's a mos' pertickler fren' ov his'n; well, I should
smile!"--]

[Illustration: --"but bizness is bizness, an' here goes--!"]

[Illustration: "----!!!!!"]

[Illustration: "Brer 'Cullus, yo' 'pears to be mighty cheerful fo' a
man dat's stanin' on the aidge ov de grave!"

"I ain' gwine ter die jist yit, Brer Hacklefeather!"

"Ain' dat yo' kicken' muel Vi'let?"

"Dis here my muel Vi'let, but she ain' a kicken mule no mo'! She done
had a 'sperience!"]



[Illustration: _The entire discomfiture of Uneasy Walker._]


[Illustration]

[Illustration: Hatching the plot.]

[Illustration: Setting the bait.]

[Illustration: Waiting for the signal.]

[Illustration: The action begins.]

[Illustration: Is continued with warmth.]

[Illustration: The situation becomes desperate.]

[Illustration: Dictating the terms of surrender.]

[Illustration: The capitulation.]



[Illustration: _'Twas a Poem About Gentle Spring._]


[Illustration]

[Illustration: Editor of the Weekly Whoop (_alone_):--"Been up all
night with the baby, head aches, three libel suits on hand, men on
strike, subscriptions falling off, what next? Murder would be a pastime
fer me now----Come in!!!"]

[Illustration: Editor W. W.:--"_What!_ a poem on Spring! I'll spring
you----!!!"]

[Illustration: Small Quiet Party:--"Excuse me, sir, jist hold on a
minute----"]

[Illustration: "I didn't expect to have to do no fightin', but if I
_must_ I'll have to get this 'ere coat off. Jist go up there a half a
second!!"]

[Illustration: Editor:--"Wha--Wha--What do you want?"

Small Party:--"I was a-givin' Mr. Snees, the poet, a sparrin' lesson
an' he says, jist slip my coat on an' run over to the _Weekly Whoop_
with this 'ere Spring poem, while I git me breath."

Editor W. W.:--"Who are _you_?"

Small Party:--"Jist excuse me----]

[Illustration: a half a second----]

[Illustration: and----]

[Illustration: I'll give you----]

[Illustration: my card----Professor Bolero, Cannon Ball Tosser and
Lightning Change Artist, sir, to the Crowned Heads of Europe, sir."]

[Illustration: Small Party:--"I'm a poor man, sir, with a large family,
sir, an' I'd be very thankful for any small jobs, sir, like givin' you
sparrin' lessons, or massage, or takin' care of the furnace, sir!"

Editor W. W.:--"Well, call in again, Professor. This is my busy day."]

[Illustration: Editor W. W.:--"_Come in!!_"]

[Illustration]



[Illustration: _The Kidnapping of Private Jean François: a frontier
episode of the next war._]


[Illustration]

[Illustration]

[Illustration]

[Illustration]

[Illustration]

[Illustration]

[Illustration]

[Illustration]

[Illustration]

[Illustration]

[Illustration]

[Illustration]

[Illustration]



[Illustration: _A low down trick or Louisa's capitulation._]


[Illustration]

[Illustration: "Dat's a bad trick yo' muel Louisa's got, Brer Jackson!"

"I done bruk ebery shubel an' broom on de place on dat muel an' kyant
cure her, Brer Peters."

"I kin, Brer Jackson!"

"Brer Peters, ef you cure that muel I gwine giv' yo' two pullets an' a
water-million."]

[Illustration: "I'se gwine off heah in de bushes, an' ef yo' a
honorable muel like w'at you looks like, yo' gwine to stan' still, an'
no pullin' on dat ole rope, w'at ain't strong, nohow; you heah me?"]

[Illustration: "Look a' dat, Brer Jackson; look a' dat!"

"Ki, Brer Peters, ain' she a-gwine?"]

[Illustration: "Is yo' hurt, Louisa? Po' Louisa! I reely 'stonished
w'en I see yo' git a fall like dat."

"Did yo' foots slip, Louisa? W'at make yo' jump in de water dat-a-way?"

"_Po' Louisa!_"]

[Illustration: "Louisa look kin' a down-hearted Brer Jackson."

"Dey ain' no mo' pull back in that muel; I jist keep de blinkers on her
and tie her wif a piece of cotton thread dese days."]



[Illustration: _A tale of two tails._]


[Illustration]

[Illustration]

[Illustration]

[Illustration]

       *       *       *       *       *

Transcriber's Notes:

  Italic text is denoted by _underscores_.
  The spelling inconsistencies of the original have been retained in
    this book.
  Obvious printing mistakes have been corrected.
  Page 4, "Francois" changed to "François."
  Page 12, single opening quotation mark changed to double opening
    quotation mark.
  Page 60, closing quotation mark added.
  Page 77, closing quotation mark placed at the end of the sentence.
  Page 78, opening quotation mark added.





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