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Title: The English Rogue: Described in the Life of Meriton Latroon, A Witty Extravagant
Author: Kirkman, Francis
Language: English
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           _The Globe’s thy Studye; for thy boundless mind
           In a less limit cannot be confind.
           Gazing, I here admire: thy very lookes
           Shew thou art read as well in men, as bookes.
           He that Shall Scan thy face, may judge by it,
           Thou hast an Headpeece that is thronged with n’t._



                             English Rogue:


                                 IN THE



                            MERITON LATROON,

                         _A Witty Extravagant_.

                    Being a Compleat History of the


                             Eminent Cheats


                              BOTH SEXES.

         __Read_, but don’t _Practice_: for the Author findes,
         They which live _Honest_ have most quiet mindes._

           Dixero si quid forte jocosius hoc mihi juris
           Cum & eniâ dalis.

            London, Printed for Henry Marsh, at the Princes
                      Arms in Chancery-Lane. 1665.




    _Beloved Country-men_,

Had I not more respect to my Countries good in general, than any private
interest of mine own, I should not have introduc’d my _Friend_ upon the
common Theatre of the World, to act the part of a _Rogue_ in the Publick
view of all. _Rogue!_ did I call him? I should recal that word, since
his Actions were attended more with Witty Conceits, then Life-destroying
Stratagems. It is confest, the whole bent of his mind tended to little
else then _Exorbitancy_; and _Necessity_ frequently compelled him to
perpetrate _Villany_: And no wonder, since he lived in the infectious
Air of the worst of most _Licentious Times_. But still I blame my self
for stigmatizing him with such an _Opprobrious Title_, since in the
declination of his days, the consideration of his former _Wicked
Courses_ hath wrought (I have so much charity for him to believe it) in
him cordial contrition, and unfeigned repentance: and the truth of it
is, Man should be regarded not for what he _was_, but what he _is_.

Since his _Reformation_, I have taken very great delight in his
Conversation, and never went from him but with great satisfaction in the
_Ingenious Relation_ of the transactions of his youthful days: And
frequently revolving them in my mind, Reason suggested to me, the
_History of his Life_ could not but be as profitable as pleasant, if
made _publick_. For herein you may see Vice pourtrayed in her own proper
shape, the ugliness whereof (her _Vizard-Mask_ being remov’d) cannot but
cause in her (_quondam_) Adorers, a _loathing_ instead of _loving_.
Wherefore, with my _Friends_ free consent, and being instigated
thereunto by many _persons_ inferiour to few, either for _Birth_,
_Education_, or _Natural Parts_, I attempted this _Essay_.

If any be so curious to know what the (_Actors_ you have in the Title)
_Authors name is_, let me crave his pardon for his concealment, and
answer him with _Plutarch_ to an inquisitive Fellow, _Quum vides
velatum, quid inquiris in rem absconditam?_ It was therefore covered,
because he should not know what was in it. It is enough that the _Actor_
hath shown himself willing to declare _freely_, and without _mincing_
the _truth_ of what he hath done, without _knowing_ who writ it; if the
_Contents_ shall as well _please_ as admonish, no matter what I’m
call’d. But if you are so desirous to know what the _Writer_ is, I shall
briefly inform your _curiosity_: But I doubt I have _undertaken_ what I
_cannot perform_; for if to know a mans self be more then an _Herculean
Labour_, then without doubt it is beyond the limits of my power to tell
you what I am; neither can _any man_ truly _know another_, unless he
first _knows_ himself.

For some few years, the World and I have had a great _falling out_; and
though I have used all _probable_ and _possible_ means, we remain yet

My only comfort is, I have a small treasure in _Minerva’s Tower_, by
which I subsist; and by the benefit thereof, can walk abroad, not
without taking _Observation_ both from what I _hear_ and _see_; and
returning home, _Tam Aulæ vanitatem, quam Fori ambitionem ridere mecum
soleo_. I can with _Democritus_ laugh at the _Actions_ of men,
extracting _Wisdome_ from their _Follies_, and afterwards _lash_ them
with a _Rod_ of _Experience_ made of their own _fond inconsiderateness_.

As for my part, I am onely a _Wise-acre_, (a Retort once put upon _Ben
Johnson_), for I have no _Acres of Land_. But therefore don’t be so
unadvised, (as too many are of late) to regard not so much the _worth_
of the Work, as the _dignity_ of the Person. _Qui similiter in legendos
libros atq; in salutandos homines irruunt, non cogitantes quales, sed
quibus vestibus induti sint._ They mind not so much _what_, as _who
writ_ it; not the Quality of the _Thing_, but the Quality of the
_Author_, and a _Person of Honour_ (now adays) being set in the place of
the _Writer_, makes the Book received with a general applause. Pardon as
well my Satyrical as Cynical Humour. If any dislike what I have writ,
let them let it _alone_, or publish themselves something of a better
_Composition_. I shall not value any ones Censure, for I have already
_Antidoted_ my self against it, by my own _dis-esteem_ I have hereof. I
am so far from being _Opinionative_, that you cannot speak worse then
what I judge of it.

          _Nasutus sis usq; licet, sis deniq; Nasus,
          Non potes in nugas dicere plura meas._

          _Bark, foul-mouth’d carping _Momus_, if thou durst:
          What I have writ is Bad; Now do thy worst._

Thus you see, as I will not _arrogate_, so I shall not _derogate_: for
as I am so many _Parasanges_ after such a one, yet I may be an _Ace_
above thee, if thou art too _Censorious_.

But some may say, That this is but _actum agere_, a Collection out of
_Guzman_, _Buscon_, or some others that have writ upon this subject;
_Crambem bis coctam apponere_; and that I have onely _squeez’d_ their
_Juice_, (adding some Ingredients of mine own) and afterwards
_distill’d_ it in the _Lymbeck_ of my own _Head_. _Non habes confitentem
reum_, I ne’er _extracted_ from them _one single drop of Spirit_. As if
we could not produce an _English Rogue_ of our _own_, without being
beholding to other _Nations_ for him. I will not say that he durst vye
with either an _Italian_, _Spanish_, or _French Rogue_; but having been
_steept_ for some years in an _Irish Bogg_, that hath added so much to
his _Rogue-ships_ perfection, that he out-did them all by out-doing one,
and that was a _Scot_; I need not use the Epithite _Roguish_, since the
very name proves it a _Tautologie_. If I have borrowed any thing, it was
not from what past the _Press_; but what I have taken upon the _score_
in Discourse, _&c._ I here repay with Usury, but not in the same
_Commodity_. _Etiamsi apparet unde sumptum sit, aliud tamen quam unde
sumptum fit, apparet._ I have not done as the _Romans_, who robb’d the
whole Universe to enrich their ill-sited City; _Rome_ I mean. I skimm’d
not off the Cream of other mens Wits, nor Cropt the flowers in others
gardens to garnish my own _Plots_; neither have I Larded my Lean Fancy
with the Fat of others _Ingenious Labours_; but from the dictation of my
own _Genius_, I have exprest _quicquid in buccam venerit_, what came
next, without much premeditation or study. Gramercy _Sack_, if happily I
have hit the mark.

I am no _Aquæ potor_, an implacable _Enemy to Small Beer_; all the
_Purchases_ I can boast of, lies in _Wine_, which is by _Moderns_ highly
esteemed for improving good Wits, _infusing_ Elogies and _Hyperbolical
Exornations_, forming such hard Words in the _Brain_, as shall, like
_Acesta’s arrows_, catch fire as they flie. But I have _wandered_ from
that _common rode_, respecting more the _matter_ then _words_. For my
Stile is _plain_ and _familiar_, rejecting bombast _Expressions_,
thinking them most _happy_ when most easily to be understood.

As for the _Matter_ it self, if it be faulty, or the _Method_ rude and
indigested, consider, _Quod nihil perfectum vel singulari consummatum
industria_, No man can observe all things; neither is it to be imagined
that all _Rogueries_ can be perform’d by one man. Not but that when you
have read him, you will find him _Notorious_ enough.

Some men are not content to _commit Villany_ themselves, and boast of it
too, but they will rob others of that which they should be _asham’d_ to
own. In this there is little or no _Fiction_, I’ll assure you; and there
is no _Story_ therein which doth not carry with it more then the bare
_probability_ of _truth_. Should I speak much more, it is to be fear’d
some will argue from hence, that I am conscious to my self of its
various defects; and therefore I shall desist from Apologizing for it,
or my self.

Sensible I am, that if ought be omitted or added, which the Reader likes
or dislikes, he will account me _Mancipium pancæ lectionis_, an Idiot,
an insipid Asse; _nullus sum, vel Plagiarius_, a very Thief, and that I
stole other mens Labours. Thus do I know I shall be vilified and
undervalued even by such, that are so far from being capable of judging
of _Ingenuity_, that they know not how to write Orthographically six
words of sence in their own Mother-tongue. Yet I must confess, what is
writ, is neither as I would, nor as it should, it being usher’d into the
world as it was first written; whereas I should have done with this, as
a _Physitian_ advised should be done with _Lapis Lazuli_, to be washt
fifty times before used: had not immergent Affairs hindred me, I would
have licked this _Cub_ into a more _comely Form_. But since ’tis
otherwise, I shall onely complain with _Ovid_:—

           _Cum relego scripsisse pudet, quia plurimo cerno,
           Me quoq; quæ fuerant Judice digna lini._

All the favour that I shall desire, is, That the _Reader_ would not
account the _Printers_ literal or verbal Escapes _mine_; and withal pass
a candid interpretation on each Line; and I shall endeavour in a short
time to become more satisfactory, and study how I may be always
serviceable to my Country.

            _When I read o’er what I have writ, then shame
            O’erspreads my face, because it stabs my Name._


                           THE ENGLISH ROGUE.

        _What others writ, was ta’en upon the Score;
        Thou art in _Re_, what they but _feign’d_ before.
        They did but _lisp, or worse_, speak through the Nose:
        Thou hast pronounc’t, and liv’st in _Verse_ and _Prose_.
        _Guzman_, _Lazaro_, _Buscon_, and _Francion_,
        Till thou appear’dst did shine as at high Noon.
        Thy Book’s now extant; those that Judge of Wit,
        Say, They and _Rablais_ too fall short of it.
        How could’t be otherwise, since ’twas thy fate,
        To _practise_ what they did but _imitate_.
        We stand amaz’d at thy _Ephesian Fire_;
        Such _purchas’d Infamy_ all must admire._

                                                           N. D.


                        ON THE ENSUING SUBJECT.

       _What more _Rogues still_? I thought our happy Times
       Were freed from such, as from _Rebellious Crimes_.
       But such will be: i’ th’ best of _Times_ we find
       The _worst of men_; the _Law_ can’t _lawless_ bind.
       It might be so, since Nature thought it fit
       To give some nought but _Lands_, to others _Wit_
       But no _Estates_, bestowing such a mind
       That can’t within due _limits_ be confin’d.
       Hence _Depredations_, _Thefts_, nay worser facts,
       _Cheating_ & _Whoring_, with unheard-of acts:
       For _Swimming_ for their _Lives_, these _misrules_ think,
       ’Tis better _catch_ at any thing, then _sink_.
       Such was this _Rogue_, esteem’d the worst of men;
       Liv’d by his _Sword_, his _Pregnant Wit_, and _Pen_.
       In short, Pray pardon if I speak amiss;
       I never read so arch a _Rogue_ as _This_._

                                                           A. B.

                       The Preface to the Reader.

When this piece was first published it was ushered into the World with
the usual ceremony of a Preface, and that a large one, whereby the
Authour intended and endeavoured to possess the Reader with a belief,
that what was written was the Life of a _Witty Extravagant_, the
Authours Friend and Acquaintance. This was the intent of the Writer, but
the Readers could not be drawn to this belief, but in general concurred
in this opinion, that it was the Life of the Authour, and
notwithstanding all that hath been said to the contrary many still
continue in this opinion. Indeed the whole story is so genuine and
naturally described without any forcing or Romancing that all contained
in it seems to be naturally true, and so i’le assure you it is, but not
acted by any one single person, much less by the Authour, who is well
known to be of an inclination much different from the foul debaucheries
of the Relations, & if the Readers had read the _Spanish_ Rogue,
_Gusman_; the _French_ Rogue, _Francion_; and several other by Forraign
Wits, and have upon examination found that the Authors were persons of
great eminency and honour, and that no part of their own writings were
their own lives; they had happily changed their opinion of the Authour
of this; but they holding this opinion caused him to desist from
prosecuting his story in a Second Part, and he having laid down the
Cudgels I took them up, and my design in so doing was out of three
considerations, the first and chiefest was to gain ready money, the
second I had an itch to gain some Reputation by being in Print, and
thereby revenge my self on some who had abused me, and whose actions I
recited, and the third was to advantage the Reader and make him a gainer
by acquainting him with my experiences. This were the reasons for my
engaging in the Second part, and the very same reason induced me to joyn
with the Authour in composing and Writing a third and fourth Part, in
which we have club’d so equally, and intermixt our stories so joyntly,
that it is some difficulty for any at first sight to distinguish what we
particularly Writ and now having concluded the Preface, which should
never have been begun but that I had a blank page, and was unwilling to
be so ill a husband for you, but that you should have all possible
content for your money, and withal to tell you that I would not have you
as yet to expect any more parts of the book, for although a fifth and
last part is design’d, yet i’le assure you there is never a stitch
amiss, nor one line Written of it, and if you desire that, you must give
me encouragement by your speedy purchasing of what is already Written;
and thereby you will ingage

                                                        _Your Friend_,
                                                      _Francis Kirkman_.


                      _The Epistle to the Reader._


It hath been too much the humour of late, for men rather to adventure on
the Forreign crazy stilts of other mens inventions, then securely walk
on the ground-work of their own home-spun fancies. What I here present
ye with, is an original in your own Mother-tongue; and yet I may not
improperly call it a Translation, drawn from the Black Copy of mens
wicked actions; such who spared the Devil the pains of courting them, by
listing themselves Volunteers to serve under his Hellish Banners; with
some whereof I have heretofore been unhappily acquainted, and am not
ashamed to confess that I have been somewhat soiled by their vitious
practices, but now I hope cleansed in a great measure from those
impurities. Every man hath his peculiar guilt, proper to his
constitution and age: and most have had (or will have) their exorbitant
exiliencies, erronious excursions, which are least dangerous when
attended by Youthfulness.

This good use I hope the Reader will make with me of those follies, that
are so generally and too frequently committed every where, by declining
the commission of them (if not for the love of virtue, yet to avoid the
dismal effects of the most dangerous consequences that continually
accompany them.) And how shall any be able to do this, unless they make
an introspection into Vice? which they may do with little danger; for it
is possible to injoy the Theorick, without making use of the Practick.

                  *       *       *       *       *

To save my Country-men the vast expence and charge of such experimental
Observations, I have here given an accompt of my readings, not in Books,
but Men; which should have been buried in silence, (fearing lest its
Title might reflect on my Name and Reputation) had not a publick good
interceded for its publication, far beyond any private interest or

When I undertook this Subject, I was destitute of all those Tools
(Books, I mean) which divers pretended Artists make use of to form some
Ill-contrived design. By which ye may understand, that as necessity
forced me, so a generous resolution commanded me to scorn a _Lituanian_
humour or Custom, to admit of _Adjutores tori_, helpers in a
Marriage-bed, there to engender little better than a spurious issue. It
is a legitimate off-spring, I’ll assure yee, begot by one singly and
soly, and a person that dares in spight of canker’d Malice subscribe

                                             A well-willer to his
                                             Countries welfare,

                                                         _Richard Head_.



    On the approvedly-ingenious, and his loving Friend, Mr.
        _Richard Head_, the Author of this book.

         _What _Gusman_, _Buscon_, _Francion_, _Rablais_ writ,
         I once applauded for most excellent wit:
         But reading _Thee_, and thy rich Fancies store,
         I now condemne, what I admir’d before.
         Henceforth _Translations_ pack away, be gone;
         No _Rogue_ so well writ, as our _English_ one._

                                                         M. Y.


                  To his respected Friend, the Author.

         _Could I but reach _Bayes_ from _Apollo’s Tree_,
         I’d make a _Wreath_ to _Crown_ thy _Work_ and _Thee_;
         Which yet is needless, now I think upon’t;
         Thy own _great Pen_ deservedly hath don’t.
         Of all who write of _Thee_, this is my Vogue,
         _None ere writ better of, and is less Rogue_._

                                                         W. W.


                  On his deserving friend the Author.

        __Fletcher_ the _King_ of _Poets_ of his age,
        In all his writings throughout every page
        Made it his chiefest business to describe
        The various humours of the _canting-Tribe_:
        His _Beggars-bush_, and other of his _Playes_
        Did gain to him (deservedly) the _Bayes_.
        _Nature_ and _Art_ in _him_ were both conjoyn’d;
        None could ere say that his Wit was purloyn’d:
        Neither is _thine_: he did all fancies fill,
        From _Kings_ and _Queens_, unto the _Maid o’ th’ Mill_;
        And so canst _thou_, for thou hast here display’d
        The Vices of each _Sex_, and every _Trade_.
        Wherefore what he in his time wore, do _thou_
        Put on, a _Wreath_ of _Bays_ t’ adorne thy _brow_._

                                                          F. K.


                                 TO THE


                            In stead of the


          _This _Rogue_ hath had his faults, the Printers too;
          All men whilst here do _erre_; and so may _you_._





                             ENGLISH ROGUE,

                       Describ’d in the Life of a

                          _Witty Extravagant_.

                                CHAP. I.

    _What his Parents were. The place of his own Nativity. His
        miraculous Escape from the hands of Irish Rebels. His
        brother being at that very time murdered by the
        merciless hands of those bloody Butchers._

After a long and strict Inquisition after my Fathers Pedegree, I could
not find any of his Ancestors bearing a _Coat_: surely length of time
had _worn_ it out. But if the _Gentle Craft_ will any wayes ennoble his
Family, I believe I could deduce several of his Name, Professors of that
lasting Art, even from _Crispin_. My Fathers Father had by his continual
labour in Husbandry, arrived to the height of a Farmer, then the Head of
his Kindred: standing upon one of his own Mole-Hills, Ambition so
swelled him, that he swore by his Plow-share, that his eldest Son (my
Father) should be a _Scholhard_: and should learn so long, till he could
read any printed or written hand; nay, and if occasion should serve,
write a Bill or Bond.

It was never known that any of the Family could distinguish one letter
from another, neither could they speak above the reach of their Horses
understandings. Talk to them in any other Dialect but that of a
_Bag-pudding of a Peck_, or _a piece of Beef_, (in which their teeth
might step wet shod) and a man were as good to have discoursed with them
in _Arabick_. But let me not abuse them; for some understood something
else that is to say, The Art of Whistling, Driving their Team and to
shoo themselves as well as their Horses; how to lean methodically upon a
Staff and through the holes of their Hat, tell what it is a Clock by the

The symmetricall proportion, sweetness of features, and acuteness of my
Fathers wit, were such (though extracted out of this lump of _red_ and
_white marle_) that he was belov’d of all. As the loveliness of his
person gain’d always an interest in Female hearts; so the quickness of
apprehension and invention, and the acquired quaintness of his
expressions; procured him the friendship of such as converted with him.
A Gentleman at length taking notice of more then ordinary natural Parts
in him, at his proper charge sent him to School contrary to the desire
of his Father, who was able enough to maintain him at School; and to say
the truth this Gentleman offered not my Father his patronage upon any
charitable account, but that he might hearafter glory in the being the
chief instrument of bringing up such a fair promising Wit, which he
questioned not with good cultivation would bring forth such lovely fruit
as would answer cost, and fully satisfie his expectation. Being admitted
into the Grammar-School, by the strength of his memory, to his Masters
great amazement, in a very short time he had _Lillies Rules_ by heart,
out-stripping many that for years had been entred before him; his Master
perceiving what a stupendious proficiency he had made, was very glad
that this fair opportunity offered it self, that he might be idle, and
in order thereunto would frequently appoint my Father to be his Usher or
Deputy, when he intended to turn Bacchanalian, to drink, hunt, or whore,
to which vices he was over-much addicted. My Father having now conquered
in a manner the difficulties of that Schools learning began now to lay
aside his Book, and follow the steps of his vicious learned Master, the
examples of a Superior proving oftentimes guides to inferior actions,

                         _Regis ad exemplum_——

Besides his springing Age (wherein the blood is hot and fervent) spur’d
him on, and the natural disposition of his mind, gave him wings to flye
whither his unbounded, licentious, self pleasing will would direct. His
Youth introduced him into all sorts of vanity, and his Constitution of
body, was the Mother of all his unlawful pleasures. His Temperament gave
Sense preheminence above Reason. Thus you see (which experience can more
fully demonstrate) how the heat of Youth gives fewel to the Fire of
Voluptuous Enjoyments; but without a supply of what may purchase those
delights, invention must be Tenter-hooked, which ever proves dangerous,
most commonly fatal. My Grand-father too indulgent to his son, supply’d
him continually with mony; which he did the more freely, since he was
exempted from such charges which necessity required for my Fathers
maintenance, he having now more than a bare competency, he not only
consents to the commission of evil, but tempts others to perpetrate the
like. And now following his own natural proneness to irregular liberty,
diurnaly suggests matters of innovation, not onely to his own, but
others reasons, _Lectum non citius relinquens quam in Deum delinquens,
non citius surgens quam insurgens_. No sooner relinquishing his bed, but
delinquishing his Creator, No sooner rising than rising against his God.
In short, I know not whether he prevailed more on others, or others on
him, for he was facile; the best Nature is most quickly depraved, as the
purest flesh corrupts soonest, and most noisom when corupted. Yet
notwithstanding these blooming debaucheries, he neglected not his Study
so much, but that he capacitated himself for the University, and by
approbation was sent thither by his Patron. He applyed himself close to
his Book for a while, till he had adapted himself a companion for the
most absolute critick could be selected out of any of the Colledges: in
the assured confidence of his own parts, he ventured among them, and
left such remarks of his cutting wit in all companies he came into, that
the Gallants and most notable Wits of _Oxford_, coveted so much his
company that he had not time to apply himself to his Study, but giving
way to their sollicitations, being prompted thereunto by his own
powerful inclinations, plunged himself over head and ears in all manner
of sensuality. For his lewd carriage, inimitably wicked practises, and
detestable behaviour, he was at last expelled the Colledge.

Now was he forc’d to return to his Father, who with much joy received
him, but would not tell him the true cause of his coming down: But to
palliate his villanies, informed his father that he had learned as much
as he could be instructed in; and now and then would Sprinkle his
discourse with a _Greek_ or _Latine_ Sentence; when talking with the
poor ignorant old Man; who took wonderful delight in the meer sound
thereof. When my father spake at any time, they were all as silent as
midnight, and then would my Grandfather with much admiration becken to
the standers by, to give their greatest attention, to what the _Speaker_
as little understood as his _Auditors_, not caring what non-sense he
utter’d, if wrapt up in untelligable hard words, purposely to abuse
those brutish Plough-jobbers. In ostentation he was carried to the
Parson of the Parish to discourse with him; who by good fortune
understood no other Tongue but what his mother taught him; My father
perceiving that, made _Shoulderamutton_ and _Kapathumpton_ serve for
very good _Greek_; which the Parson confirm’d: telling my Grandfather
further, that his Son was an excellent Scholar; protesting that he was
so deeply learned, that he spake things he understood not; this I have
heard him say, made him as good sport, as ever he receiv’d in the most
ingenious Society.

He had not been long in the Country, before a Gentlewoman taking notice
of his external and internal Qualifications, fell deeply in love with
him; and preferring her own pleasure before the displeasure of her
wealthy Relations, she _incontinently_ was married to him. I shall wave
how it was brought about in every particular, but only instance what is
therein remarkable. Doubtless the gestures he used in his preaching
(when she was present) might something avail in the conquest of her
affections; beginning with a _dearly beloved_ passionately extended,
looking full in her face all the while, and being in the time of the
Kingdomes alteration and confusion, a temporizing Minister, he had
learned all those tricks by which those of his Sect and coat used to
bewitch a female ear. But that which chiefly effected his desires, was
the assurance of an old Matron, that lived near my mother, who for
profit scrupled not to officiate as Bawd; this good old Gentlewoman
contrived waies to bring them together, unsuspected by any, by which
means they obtain’d the opportunity to perform _Hymens_ rites, Sans
Ceremonies of the Church. My mother finding impregnation, acquainted my
Father therewith, who (glad to hear how fast he had tied her to him)
urged her to the speedy Consummation of a Legal marriage, which she more
longed for than he did himself, but knew not how to bring it to pass, by
reason of those many Obstacles which they saw Obvious, and thwarting
their intentions. As first the vast disproportion between their Estates;
Next, the Antipathy her Parents bore to his Function. Joyning these to
many other Obstructions, with Fancy and Knowledge presented to them,
they concluded to steal a Wedding and accordingly did put it in
execution: much troubled her Parents were at first, to hear how their
daughter had ship-wrackt her fortune (as they judged it) in the
unfortunate loosing her maiden-head but time, with the intercession of
Friends, procured a Reconciliation between them, and all parties well
pleased. The old people took great delight in their fortune, hopeful
thoughts and expectations of their Son in law, but he more in the
reception of a large Sum of Money they paid him, and my mother most of
all (as she thought) in the continual conversation and enjoyment of my
Father, which she equally ranked with what might be esteemed the best of

His eminent Parts natural, (and what he attain’d unto by his country
studies, being asham’d to have lost so much time) introduc’d him as a
Chaplain to a Noble man, with whom he travel’d into _Ireland_. He took
shipping at _Myneard_, and from thence sayled to _Knock fergus_, where
he lived both creditably and comfortably. Experience had then so
reformed his Life to so strict a religious course, that his Observers
gain’d more by his example than his Hearers by precepts. Thus by his
piety in the purity of his practice, he soon regain’d his lost credit.

By this time my mother drew near her time, having conceiv’d me in
_England_, but not _conceiving_ she thus should _drop_ me in an _Irish
Bog_. There is no fear that _England_ and _Ireland_ will after my
decease, contend about my Nativity, as several Countreys did about
_Homer_; either striving to have the honour of first giving him breath.
Neither shall I much thank my Native Country, for bestowing on me such
principles as I and most of my Country-men drew from that very air; the
place I think made me appear a Bastard in disposition to my Father. It
is strange the Clymate should have more prevalency over the Nature of
the Native, than the disposition of the Parent. For though Father and
Mother could neither flatter, deceive, revenge, equivocate, _&c._ yet
the Son (as the consequence hath since made it appear) can (according to
the common custom of his Country-men) dissemble and sooth up his
adversary with expressions extracted from Celestial Manna, taking his
advantage thereby to ruine him: For to speak the truth, I could never
yet love any but for some by-respect, neither could I ever be perswaded
into a pacification with that man who had any way injured me, never
resting satisfied till I had accomplisht a plenary revenge, which I
commonly effected under the pretence of great love and kindness. Cheat
all I dealt withal, though the matter were ever so inconsiderable. Lie
so naturally, that a Miracle may be as soon wrought, as a Truth proceed
from my mouth. And then for Equivocation, or Mental Reservations, they
were ever in me innate Properties. It was alwayes my Resolution, rather
to dye by the hand of a common Executioner, then want my revenge, though
ever so slightly grounded. But I shall desist here to characterize my
self further, reserving that for another place.

Four years after my Birth, the Rebellion began so unexspectedly, that we
were forced to flee in the night, the light of our flaming Houses, Ricks
of Hay, and Stacks of Corn guided us out of the Town, and our Fears soon
conveyed us to the Mountains. But the Rebels, wandering too and fro,
intending either to meet with their friends, (who flockt from all parts
to get into a Body) or else any English, which they designed as
Sacrifices to their implacable malice, or inbred antipathy to that
Nation, met with my Mother, attended by two Scullogues, her menial
servants, the one carrying me, the other my brother. The Fates had
decreed my brothers untimely death, and therefore unavoidable, the
_faithful Infidel_ being butchered with him. The surviving servant who
carried me, declared that he was a Roman Catholick, and imploring their
mercy with his howling _Chram a Cress_, for St. _Patrick a gra_,
procured my Mothers, his own, and my safety.

Thus was I preserv’d, but I hope not reserv’d as a subject for Divine
Vengeance to work on. Had I then died, no other guilt could have
rendered me culpable before Gods Tribunal, but what was derivative from
_Adam_. But since, the concatenation of sins various links hath
encompassed the whole series of my life. Now to the intent I may deter
others from perpetrating the like, and receive to my self Absolution
(according as it is promised) upon unfeigned Repentance, and ingenious
Confession of my nefarious Facts, I shall give the Readers a Summary
Relation of my Life: from my Non-age to the Meridian of my dayes, hoping
that my Extravagancies and youthful Exiliences, have in that state of
life, their declination and period.

                               CHAP. II.

    _A short Account of the general Insurrections of the Irish,
        Anno 1641._

But though the mercy of these inhumane Villains extended to the saving
of our lives; yet they had so little consideration and commiseration, to
expose our bodies (by stripping us) stark naked to the extremity of a
cold winter night, nor so much as sparing my tender age. Thus without
Shooes or Stockings, or the least Rag to cover our nakedness, with the
help of our Guide, we travelled all night through Woods as obscure as
that black darkness that then environed our Horizon. By break of day we
were at _Belfast_; about entering the skirts of the Town, this honest
and grateful servant, (which is much in an Irish man) being then assured
of our safety, took his leave of us, and returned to the Rebels.

Here were we received with much pitty of all, and entertain’d, and
cloth’d and fed, by some charitable minded Persons; to gratifie their
souls for what they had done for my mothers body, and those that
belong’d to her, my Father frequently preacht, which gave general
satisfaction, and continued thus in instructing his hearers, till the
_Sark_ or _Surplice_, was adjudged by a Scotish Faction, to be the
absolute Smock of the Whore of _Babylon_. Then was he constrain’d to
flee again to _Linsegarvy_ taking his charge with him.

Before I proceed, give me leave to digress a little in giving you a
brief account of the _Irish_ Rebellion. Not two years before it broke
out, all those ancient Animosities, Grudges, and Hatred, which the
_Irish_ had ever been observed to bare unto the English, seemed to be
deposited and buried in a firm Conglutination of their Affections, and
National Obligations, which passed between them, for these two had lived
together forty Years in peace, with such great security and comfort,
that it had in a manner consolidated them into one body, knit and
compacted together with all those Ligatures, of Friendship, Alliance,
and Consanguinity, as might make up a constant and everlasting Union
betwixt them there. Their Inter-marriages were near upon as frequent as
their Gossippings and Fosterings, (relations of much dearness among the
_Irish_) together with all Tenancies, Neighborhoods and Services
interchangeably passed among them. Nay, they had made as it were a
mutual Transmigration into each others manners, many English being
strongly degenerated into Irish Affections and Customes, and many of the
better sort of Irish studying as well the Language of the English as
delighting to be Apparrel’d like them. Nay, so great an advantage did
they find by the English Commerce and Cohabitation, in the profits and
high improvements of their Lands, as Sir _Phelim O Neal_, that
Rebellious Ringleader, with divers others eminent in that bloody
Insurrection, had not long before turn’d off their Lands, their Irish
Tenants, admitting English in their rooms; who are able to give far
greater Rents, and more certainly pay the same. So as all those
circumstances duly weighted & considered with the great increase of
Trade, and many other evident Symptoms of a flourishing Commonwealth; it
was believed even by the wisest and most experienced in the affairs of
_Ireland_, that the Peace and Tranquility of that Kingdom was fully
settled, and most likely in all humane probability to continue,
especially under the Government of such a King as _Charles_ the First,
whom after-ages may admire, but never match. Such was the serenity and
security of this Kingdom, as that there appeared not any where any
Martial preparations, nor reliques of any kind of disorders, no nor so
much as the least noise of War whisperingly carried to any ear in all
this Lands.

Now whilst in this great calm, the Brittish continued in the deepest
security, whilst all men sat pleasently enjoying the fruits of their own
labors, sitting under their own Vines, without the least thoughts of
apprehension of Tumults, Troubles, or Massacres; there brake out on
_October_ the Twenty third, in the Year of our Lord, sixteen hundred
forty and one, a most desperate, dierful, and formidable Rebellion, an
Universal Defection and Revolt, wherein not only the meer Native Irish,
but almost all those English that profess the Name of _Roman
Catholicks_, were totally involved.

Now since it is resolved by me to give you a particular account of the
most remarkable Transactions and passages of my life, it will be also
necessary to acquaint you with the beginning and first motions. Neither
shall I omit to trace the Progress of this Rebellion, since therein, I
shall relate summarily my suffering, and what others under went, the
horrid cruelties of the Irish, and their abominable murders committed,
as well without number, as without mercy, upon the English Inhabitants
of both Sexes, and all Ages.

It was carried with such secresie, that none understood the Conspiracy,
till the very evening that immediately preceeded the night of its
general execution. I must confess there was some such thing more than
suspected by one Sir _William Cole_, who presently sent away Letters to
the Lord Chief Justices, but miscarried by the way. _Owen O Conally_
(though meer Irish, was notwithstanding a Protestant) was the first
discoverer of this general Insurrection giving in the Names of some of
the chief Conspirators. Hereupon the Lords convened and sat in Council,
whose care and prudence at that time was such, that some of the
Ringleaders were instantly siezed, and upon examination, confest that on
that very day of their surprizal, all the Ports and Places of strength
in _Ireland_, would be taken; that there was a considerable number of
Gentlemen and others, twenty out of each county, were come up expresly
to surprize the Castle of _Dublin_. Adding further, that what was to be
done in the Country (where _Mercury_ the swift Messenger) could neither
by the wit of man, or by Letter, be prevented. Hereupon a strict search
was made for all strangers lately come to Town, and all Horses were
seized on, whose owners could not give a good account of them. And
notwithstanding, there was a Proclamation disperst through all
_Ireland_, giving notice of a horrid Plot designed by Irish Papists,
against English Protestants, intending thereby a discouragement to such
of the Conspirators, as yet had not openly declared themselves. Yet did
they assemble in great number, principally in the North, in the Province
of _Ulster_, taking many Towns, as the _Newry Drummoor_, &c., burning
spoiling, and committing horrible murthers every where. These things
wrought such a general consternation and astonishment in the minds of
the English; that they thought themselves no where secure, flying from
one danger into another.

In a very short time, the meer Irish Northern Papists by closly Persuing
on their first Plot, had gotten into their possession most of the Towns,
Forts, Castles, and Gentlemens Houses within the Counties of _Tyron_,
_Donegal_, _Fermanah_, _Armah_, _Cauan_, &c. The chief that appeared in
the Execution of this Plot, within the Province of _Ulster_, were Sir
_Phelim O Neal_, _Tourlough_ his Brother, _Ronre Mac Guire_, _Phillip O
Rely_, Sir _Conne Mac Dennis_, _Mac Brian_, and _Mac Mahan_, these
combining with their Accomplices dividing their Forces, and according to
a general Assignation, surprised the Forts of _Dongannon_ and _Montjoy_,
_Carlemant_, with other places of considerable strength. Now began a
deep Tragedy: The English having either few other than Irish Landlords,
Tenants, Servants, Neighbours, or familiar Friends, as soon as this fire
brake out, and the whole Country in a general Conflagration, made their
recourse presently to some of these, lying upon them for protection and
preservation, and with great confidence trusted their lives and all
their concerns in their powers. But many of these in short time after,
either betrayed them to others, or destroyed them with their own hands.
The Popish Priests had so charged and laid such bloody impressions on
them, as it was held according to their Doctrine they had received, a
deadly sin to give an English Protestant any relief.

All bonds of Faith and Friendship now fractur’d, Irish Landlords now
prey’d on their English Tenants; Irish Tenants and Servants, made a
Sacrifice of their English Landlords and Masters, one Neighbor
murthering another; nay, ’twas looked on as an act meritorious in him
that could either subvert or supplant an English man; The very Children
imitating the cruelty of their Parents, of which I shall carry a mark
with me to my Grave, given me with a Skene by one of my Irish
Play-fellows. It was now high time to flie, although we knew not
whither; every place we ari’vd at we thought least secure, wherefore our
motion was continual; and that which heightened our misery, was our
frequent stripping thrice a day, and in such a dismal stormy tempestuous
season, as the memory of man had never observ’d to continue so long
together. The terror of the Irish and Scotch incomparably prevailed
beyond the rage of the Sea, so that we were resolved to use all possible
means to get on Shipboard. At _Belfast_ we accomplisht our desires,
committing ourselves to the more merciful Waves. This Relation being so
short, cannot but be very imperfect, if I dare credit my mother, it is
not stain’d with falshood. Many horrid things (I confess) I purposely
omitted, as desiring to wave any thing of aggravation, or which might
occasion the least Animosity between two, though of several Languages,
yet I hope both united in the demonstration of their constant loyalty to
their Soveraign _Charles_ the Second.

                               CHAP. III.

    _After his arrival in _Devonshire_, he briefly recounts what
        waggeries he commited, being but a Child._

Being about five years of age, Report rendred me a very beautiful Child,
neither did it (as most commonly) prove a Lyar. Being enricht with all
the good properties of an handsome face, had not pride in that my tender
age, depriv’d me of those graces and choise ornaments which compleat
both form and feature. Thus happen’d, my Father kept commonly many
Turkeys; one amongst the rest could not endure the sight of a Red Coat,
which I usually wore. But that which most of all exasperated my budding
passion, was, his assaulting my bread and butter, and instead thereof,
sometimes my hands; which caused my bloomy Revenge to use this
Stratagem: I enticed him with a piece of Custard (which I temptingly
shewed him), not without some suspition of danger which fear suggested,
might attend my treachery, and so led me to the Orchard-gate, which was
made to shut with a pulley; he reaching in his head after me, I
immediatly clapt fast the Gate, and so surprized my _mortal Foe_: Then
did I use that little strength I had, to beat his brains out with my
Cat-stick; which being done, I deplum’d his tayl, sticking those
feathers in my Bonnet, as the insulting Trophies of my first and latest
Conquest. Such then was my pride, as I nothing but gazed up at them;
which so tryed the weakness of mine eyes and so strain’d the Optick
Nerves, that they ran a tilt at one another, as if they contended to
share with me in my victory. This accident was no small trouble to my
Mother, that so doated on me, that I have often heard her say, _She
forgot to eat (when I sate at Table) for admiring the sweetness of my
complexion_. After she had much grieved her self to little purpose, she
consulted with patience, and applyed her self to skilful Occulists, to
repair the loss this face blemishing had done so sweet a countenance,
though for the present it eclipsed my Mothers glory and pride, yet Time
and art reduced my eyes to their proper station; so that within six
years their oblique aspects were hardly discernable. When I was about
ten Years old, I have heard some say that this cast of my eyes was so
far from being a detriment, that it became my ornament. Experience
confirm’d me in this belief; for they prov’d as powerful, as the
perswasive arguments of my deluding tongue, both which conjoyn’d, were
sufficient (I speak it not vain gloriously) to prevail even over the
_Goddess of Chastity_, especially when they were backt on with ardent
desires, and an undaunted resolution. But to my purpose: being driven
out of _Ireland_, there being at that time no place of safety in that
Kingdom, my Mother taking me with her, being compelled to leave my
Father behind, barbarously murdered by the Rebels for being a protestant
Preacher, she adventured to Sea not caring whether she went. Foulness of
weather drove us upon the coast of _France_, where we were forced to
land, to repair what damage the Ship had sustained in stress of weather.
From hence we set sail, and landed in the West of _England_, at a place
called _Barnstable_ in the County of _Devon_. Here we were joyfully
received, and well entertained by some of my Mothers kindred at first;
but lying upon them, they at length grew weary; so that we were forced
to go from thence to _Plymouth_, so called from the River _Plime_, unto
which the Town adjoyneth: at that time it was strongly fortyfied by new
raiz’d Works, a Line being cast about it, besides places of strength
antiently built; as the Castle, the Fort of an hundred pieces of
Ordnance, that commands _Cat-water_, and over-looks the _Sound_, Mount
_Batten_, and the islands in the _Sound_, well furnished with Men and
great Guns impregnable; had they been never built or demolished raced
assoon as raised on their Basis, it had been much better then to have
prov’d the Fomenters of Rebellion in the late Wars for a whole year,
daily thundring Treason against their lawful Soveraign. We being here
altogether unacquainted both with the people and their profession, my
Mother having an active brain, casts about with her self how she should
provide for her charge, but found no way more expedient, than the
pretention of Religion. Zeal now and Piety were the only things she
seem’d to prosecute, taking the litteral sence of the Text; _Without
doubt Godliness is great gain_: But she err’d much in the profession and
seasonable practise thereof; Hers being according to the menu of the
true Church, the Church of _England_, whereas the _Plymotheans_ were at
that time Heterodox thereunto and led away as the rest of their Brethren
called Roundheads, by the spirit of delusion. Finding how much she was
mistaken, she chang’d quickly her Note and Coat; a rigid Presbyterian at
first, but that proving not so profitable, instantly transform’d her
self into a strict _independant_. This took well, which made her stick
close to the brethren, which rais’d their spirits to make frequent
contribution in private to supply her want: Here we had borrowed so much
of the Sister-hood, who vilely suspected my Mother to be too _dearly
beloved_ by the brother-hood, that it was high time to rub off to
another place, lest staying longer, the holy Mask of Dissimulation
should fall off; and she being detected be shamefully excluded their
Congregation, and so delivered up to be buffeted by Satan. Before I
leave the Town, give me leave to take a short view thereof. Formerly it
was a poor smal fishing Village, but now so large and thron’d with
inhabitants (many whereof very wealthy Merchants) that as it may be
compared with, so may it put in its claim for the name of a City.
Havens, as there are many so commodious, which without striking sail,
admit into the bosome thereof the tallest Ships that be, harbouring them
very safely, and is excellently well fortyfied against hostility. It is
scituate alike for profit and pleasure in brief, it wants little that
the heart of man would enjoy, from the various productions of the whole
Universe. Now farewell _Plymouth_, no matter whither we went, for
whereever we came; we found still some or other that gave us
entertainment for those good parts they found in my Mother she being
very well read both in Divinity and History, and having an eloquent
tongue, she commonly apply’d her self to the Minister of the Town; who
wondering to see so much learning and perfection in a Woman, either took
us to his own house for a while; or gathered some contributions to
supply our present necessities, with which we travelled to the next
Town: And in this manner we strouled or wandered up and down, being
little better then mendicant Itinerants, Staying so little time in a
place, and my mother being more careful to get a subsistance, than to
season my tender years with the knowledge of Letters, I was ten years
old before I could read. Travelling through many towns unfit for our
purpose, we at last took our seat for a while at _Biraport_ in
_Dorsetshire_, here being ashamed to go to School in this ignorance, I
applyed my self to my Mother, who taught me to apprehend the Alphabet in
less hours than there are letters; so that in a short time, I could read
distinctly, and immediately introduc’d into the Grammar School, where I
had not been long, before I became a Book-worm securing as many as lay
in my way, if convenient privacy serv’d. And to the intent that my
Thefts might pass undiscovered, before I would vend what Book I had
stolen, I usually metamorphozed them: if new, I would gash their skin,
and if the leaves were red, I would make them look pale with the wounds
they received; If much used, tear out all the remarks, and paint their
old faces, and having so done, make sale of them. This course I followed
a long time undiscovered, which cost many a Boy a Whipping at home by
their Parents, as well as Master. I had various uses for my money I made
thereof (you must think) but principally to bribe some of the upper Form
to make my Exercises, which were so well liked of by my Master, that I
still came off with applause; and in a short time so advanced, that I
was next to the highest Form, when I understood not the lowest Author we
read. I was forced to imploy my wits in the management of my hands, to
keep touch with my Pensioners, least they failing me for want of
encouragement, my Master should discover how much my dunceship was
abused. Frequent were my truantings, which were always attended with
some notorious fact besides small faults as robbing of Orchards, pulling
the first and seconds of forty or fifty Geese at a time, milking the
Cows or Goats into my Hat, and so drink the milk: And then for poultry,
there was seldome a day escaped wherein I had not more or less, usually
I took them thus. At night I haunted the Hen-roosts taking them off so
quietly from what they stood on, that their keckling noise seldome
alarum’d the rest; if I could not conveniently carry them off, I made
their Eggs compound for their heads. If I meet with any Geese at any
time, then out came my short stick with a string fastned to a bullet,
and tyed to the end thereof, with this would I fetch in my Game by the
neck, the weight of the bullet twirling the string so many times about
the neck, that they could not disengage themselves from inevitable
destruction. I used to fish for Ducks, baiting my Hook with a gut or
some such trash, and laying it on a piece of Corke, that swimming it
might be the sooner perceived, I could catch in a short time as many as
I pleased: Nay, I have not only thus deceived the tame fowl, but the
same way with a longer time, I have caught Gulls and other Sea-birds.
What I had gotten by these cunning & so much to be approved tricks, I
carryed to a house that encouraged me in my Roguery, participating of
the cheer, and so feasting me for my pains: if I had stolen any thing, I
had my recourse to them, who would give me two pence for what was worth
a shilling, and render me good content. I knew my punishment for my
rambling and valued it not; therefore little hope of reformation from
thence. Nay for very small faults I wished to be whipt, knowing the rod
would then be laid on gently, which carried with it a tickling pleasure.
As for my Thefts and Rogueries abroad I was careful they should not be
discovered. If any Boy had injur’d me whose strength exceeded mine, so
that I durst not cope with him, I would exercise my revenge upon him
privately, concealing the resentment of the injury he did me. For to
grin and not bite, doth but perswade an Adversary to knock out those
teeth that may prove some time or other injurious. One common trick I
had, was to stick a pin on the board whereon he was to sit: in this
manner did I serve several, in which fact I was at last taken. The
punishment my Master inflicted on me, was, to sit by his desk alone and
complete a copy of Verses; there was great likelihood I should perform
my task, when I knew not how many feet an Hexameter required and yet I
then read _Virgil_. However some thing I must attempt, and thinking
_Saphicks_ and _Iambicks_ too difficult, I ventur’d upon _Heroicks_,
supposing them the easier composition. But Lord into what an access of
laughter did my Master fall into, when he perused my hobling strains.
Surely said he, these Verses are running a race altogether, the first
did not start fairly, or else is a very nimble Gentleman, for he hath
out run all his fellows four feet, the second comes two foot short of
him, yet too forward for a true pace; here is another lame in a foot,
and halts most scurvily, here is another whose quantity is short, and
hath gotten upon stilts to seem long, and one (in contradiction to him)
which is long, because he will be short hath cut his own Legs off: With
these and the like speeches did he please himself in his own wit, (which
I understood but little) and after he had tired himself and me too, with
prodigal talk: He then spake to me in a harder dialect, making me
understand how ignorant I was, and how much precious time
(irrecoverably) I had lost, which so much seiz’d on my spirits, that I
was much griev’d and troubled, so that he made Vermilion tears run down
my cheeks, _&c._ After he had bestowed so much correction as he thought
might work in me penitence for my egregious truanting he degraded me,
and made me begin a new. The shame whereof and reproach I daily received
from my School-fellows, I could not bear; wherefore I prevailed on my
Mothers indulgence, to let me regain what I had lost at home, which she
consented to. But perceiving my Lecherous inclinations, by my night
practises with her Maid, resolved to send me to a Boarding School: For
our Family being but small, I lay with the Maid: beeing so young, my
Mother did not in the least suspect me; but my too forward Lechery would
not let me lie quiet, putting her frequently to the Squeak. In fine, I
was sent away a great distance to a very severe and rigid Master, I no
sooner commenced Scholar to this Tyrant pedagogue, but I was kept close
to my Book, and lest my Wit should be any ways dulled, my stomack was
always kept sharp; which quickned my invention to supply what was
deficient. There is no complaint so insufferable as the grumbling of
empty and dissatisfied Guts. My greatest care was to insinuate my self
into the favour of the Servant Maids, knowing they loved to play at _a
Small Game_ rather then stick out. I performed my business so well that
my stomack was always satiated, when the rest of the Boarders were
dissatisfied, often going to bed in a manner supperless. Here I was
depriv’d of my old pilfering way, because I had no convenience for the
disposal of what I stole, it being but a very small Village. However to
keep my hand in use, I daily practised on Fruit. Sometimes with a Spar
sharpned at one end, I pickt the Apples out of the Baskets: other times
I took with me a Comrade, and then thus would we do. I would go to the
Fruiterer and bargain with him for a penny worth or more of Apples,
receiving them into my Hat, pretending to draw my mony out, I did clap
my Hat between my Legs my partner perceiving that (as we had afore
plotted it would be) behind, snatcht it through my Legs and ran away
with it, I thereupon did use to roar out as if I had been undone, and
pretending to run after him to regain my Hat, we got out of sight and
then shared the booty. One time coming a long the Market, I saw a small
basket of Cherries, I demanded of the woman that sold them, what she
would have for as many as I could take up in my hand; she looking upon
it and seeing it was but a very small one; proportionable to my Stature,
two pence said she; with that, I laid her down her Price, and took up
basket and all the Cherries therein contain’d, and in a sober pace
carried them away. The woman amazed that she should be thus surprized by
such a Younker followed me; and making a great noise, gathered a conflux
of people about us, and among the rest a Gentleman of quality, who was
very earnest to know what the matter was; Holding my purchase fast in my
hands (for nothing could perswade me to let go that booty I had so fair
obtained, I desired the Gentleman that he would be judge of my cause,
whereupon I related to him in what manner I bargained with the woman,
and that I had done nothing unjustly, but what was according to our
contract; the Gentleman wondering at the Pregnancy of wit in so tender
an age, laught heartily, and condemned the Cherries for my own proper
use, but withal paid the woman for them. I was naturally so prone to
please my sences so that I cared not what course I took that I might
obtain my desires, I appli’d my self more to my wit and invention, than
I should have done, had I had anything allowed me from a Friend for a
moderate expence. But my Mother thought otherwise, knowing by infallible
symptomes, the extravagantness of my inclinations, and therefore
debarred me as much as she could the very sight of money. A River
confined within some made Bank, deterring its natural course, will (when
that is overthrown which impeded its progress) flow with the greater
impetuosity: Youth may for a while be circumscribed as to its desires:
but if his inclination prompt him to the enjoyment of sensual delights,
sooner or later he will taste their relish; and better early than late.
Before the Noon of his days approach, Experience may reform his Life and
Conversation though from the dawning Morning thereof, till the Meridian
his Actions have been nothing else but the Extract of all manner of
Debauchery. But (it is commonly observed): That Man which in the
Declination of his Age tracks the bypaths of Vice and Licentiousness
seldom desists till Death cuts off his passage; never leaving off doting
on such false and imaginary pleasures, till the _Grim Pale-faced
Messenger_ takes him napping. Thus much by way of digression.

Our Master was very ancient, however resolved that his Age should not
hinder his Teaching: for if he found himself indisposed, he would send
for us all into his bed-chamber, instructing us there: A man of so
strange a temper, that he delighted to invert the course of Nature,
lying in bed by day, and walking in the night, the rain seldome
deterring him. On a time above the rest, a Gentleman had sent his Son
five pieces of Gold to give his Master for Diet, _&c._ Our Master
receiving them, called for a small Cabinet that stood in the room, which
I (more officious than the rest) brought him. Having put in the Gold, he
commanded me to carry it from whence I had it: which I did, well
considering the weight thereof, being, though small, very heavy. The
Devil presently became my Tutor, suggesting to my thoughts various ways
for the gaining this money. At last I resolved to take the impression of
the Key in wax: which with much difficulty I obtained and carried it to
a Smith four miles distant. The old Fellow (immediately upon my
proposal) suspected me; (doubtless he was acquainted with such kind of
devices) and questioning me what I intended thereby, I was forced to
betake my self to my Legs for safety, not knowing what answer to make
him. The Smith seeing me run, thinking to benefit himself by
apprehending me persued after, with a red hot iron in his hand which his
haste had made him forget to lay aside, one standing by me, (just as the
Smith had almost overtaken me) seeing him come running with a hot iron
in his hand, and fearing lest his blind passion might prompt him to
mischief me, struck up his heels who in the fall gave himself a burnt
mark in the hand which no doubt he had long ago deserv’d; my unknown
friend would not suffer him to rise till I was out of sight. My first
stratagem not suiting with my purpose, I try’d a Pick-lock of mine own
invention; but that would not effect my design neither: so that I
concluded to take Cabinet and all, and in order thereunto watcht my
opportunity when he should walk abroad according to his custom at night.
It was not long ere I enjoyed my wishes. My masters custom was to walk
abroad at nights, and sleep in the day time; inverting the course of
Nature: foreknowing his intention, I got into the Chamber and conceal’d
my self under the Bed: So finding my way clear, I convey’d my self and
purchase out of the House; and travelled all night. In the morning I
found my self near a small Town, about sixteen miles distant from the
place whence I came. Thinking my self now secure, I thought it very
requisite here to repose my wearied Limbs and solace my self with the
sight of what I had gotten; but it was not long after that I was so
laced for it, that comparatively to my punishment _Bridewell_ whipping
is but a pastime. The first Bush I came at I went in and called for
Sack, having never tasted any, & hearing much talk thereof; at which the
people of the house much admired that so small an Urchin as I should
call for such costly liquor, they viewed me very attentively, but more
especially the Cabinet, which caused them to suspect me. The Master of
the house was acquainted herewith, who as the Devil would have it was a
Puritan, & a Constable too, officious and severe. Without craving pardon
for his bold intrusion, he desired me I would admit him into my
Boy-ships society. I confess his gray hairs and sower countenance made
me at first sight, very much fear what the event of his visit would
prove. However with a seeming undauntedness I drank to him, but what a
difference of taste there was in that and the first glass I drank
_Solus_: at length he came to ask me divers questions, _Whence I came?_
_Whither I was going?_ _What was contained within that Cascanet?_ and
the like. Before I could give the resolution of what they demanded, the
_Hue and Cry_ overtook me: presently I was laid hold on, and my treasure
taken from me: that which vext me as much as my Surprizal was, I had no
further time to try what kind of taste the Sack had. Various were the
talk of the people, every one spending his Verdict on me. _This is a
prime young rogue indeed, to begin thus soon, _said one_, could he have
seen, when in his Mothers belly, surely he would have stoln something
thence. _Another said_, Forward fruit was soon rotten, and since I began
to steal whilst a child, I should be hanged before _I_ should write
Man._ Ready to die with fear, I was sent back to the place whence I came
and from thence to the place of execution, had not the tenderness of my
age, and fewness of years procured pitty from my injur’d Master.
Confin’d I was within his house, lockt up close Prisoner in a Chamber,
till that he could acquaint my mother with what had past. In this time I
was not debarred of my sustenance though my Commons were Epitomized,
neither was I altogether deprived of society, for I was daily visited by
my master attended with a Cat of Nine-tails (as he called it) being so
many small cords, with which he fleyd my buttocks; and when he found me
stubborn, or not penitent enough as he thought, after he had skinned my
podex, he would wash it with vinegar, or water and salt. Within a week
my Mother arrived, who hearing of my Rogueries, was so impatient, that
she would needs take me to task her self; But when she had untrust me,
and saw me in so woful a plight, my shirt being as stiff as Buckram with
_blood_ and my tender breech ploughed and harrowed, fell down as if she
had been about to expire: recovering my Master endeavour’d to satisfy
her, by telling her that great offences required great punishments; and
the way to bend an oak, is to do it whilst it is young, I had once when
young (said he) a Spaniel which would find out the Hens nest, and
breaking the eggs suck them, so that we could never have any Chickens,
at last discovering who was the malefactor; I be thought my self of this
punishment which should hinder him for ever doing the like. I got an egg
roasted so hard till the shell was ready to burn, then did I first show
the Egg to the dog, and then clapt it hot into his mouth holding his
jaws close, this so tormented him by burning, that ever after he could
not indure the sight thereof but if shown run away crying as if he had
been beaten. Thus for the notorious fact your Son must be so sharply
chastized, that when he thinks of stealing he shall remember those
torments he once endured for it, & so frighten him from executing any
such crime. Many more arguments he alledg’d to that purpose, which had
satisfied her well in his severity, had not natural affection
interposed. What to do with me she knew not; wherefore she consulted
with my Master, who told her, _He durst not keep me longer, the Country
people bringing in daily complaints against me_. And to aggravate my
Mother the more, he briefly summ’d up my faults in this manner; having
had justly various accusers who drew up my indictment, Thus.

_Imprimis_, That one of his Maids having crost me (to be reveng’d of
her; knowing she was a drowsie wench, when asleep not easily wak’d) as
she slept by the fire, I took my opportunity, to melt some glew, and
gently toucht the closure of both her eye-lids with a pencil, which well
I knew would lock up her sight. Against the time I intended to wake her
I placed all about her Chairs and Stools. The Plot being ripe, I
pretended her Mistress called; The wench starting up running and rubbing
of her eyes turn’d topsie turvy over the chairs, getting up the ingag’d
her self with the stools and so entangled her self therein, that
indeavouring to free her self her coats acted the parts of Traytors in
discovering the hidden secrets and _Arcanas_ belonging to her sex, and
that with much satisfaction I had seen the execution of my revenge. That
this wench could not be perswaded by any means, but that as a judgement
she was stricken blind for some sin she had committed privately, which
then her conscience did whisper in her ear; and undoubtedly had turn’d
Lunatick had she not been speedily restored to her sight by taking off
the glew, which was done with much difficulty. That he going about to
correct me for this unlucky and mischievous fact, was by me shown a very
_Shitten trick_, which put him into a _stinking condition_, for having
made my self laxative on purpose squirted into his face upon the first
lash given. That being upon boys backs, ready to be whipt, I had often
bit holes in their ears. That another time sirreverencing in a paper,
and running to the window with it, which lookt out into the yard, my
aged Mistress looking up to see who opened the Casement, I had like to
have thrown it into her mouth; however for a time deprived her of that
little sight she had left, that another time I had watcht some lusty
young Girls, that used in Summer nights about twelve a clock to wash
themselves in a small brook near adjacent, and that I had concealed my
self behind a Bush, and when they were stript, took away their cloaths,
making them dance home after me stark naked to the view of their sweet
hearts whom I had planted in a place appointed for that purpose, having
given them before notice of my design. A great many more such tricks he
recounted which he knew, but not the tenth of what he knew not. As for
example, on _Christmass-day_, we had a pot of Plumb-broth. I askt the
Maid to give me a taste to see how I lik’d them, _I that I should_, she
said (this was the Maid I had so serv’d before with glew) and with that
takes up a ladle full and bid me sup, she holding the ladle in her own
hand, I imprudently opening my mouth somewhat larger then I should she
poured down the scalding pottage through my throat: at present I could
not tell the jade (that laught till she held her sides) how I lik’d
them; but I verily believ’d I had swallowed the _Gunpowder-Plot_,
expecting every moment to be _blown up_. I took as little notice of this
passage as possibly I could, resolving to retalliate her kindness when
she least thought on’t. I observed the maid to carry this plum-pottage
pot into the yard, and taking notice that the weight of the Jack was in
the same yard, wound up a great height under a small pent-house, the
Jack being down I suddenly removed the weight, and fastned the pot to
the line, so going into the Kitching, wound it up to the top, and then
stopt it, for the meat was taken up. The house was all in an uproar
instantly about the Pot, every one admiring what should become of it:
The Maid averred that she saw it even now, and none could remove it but
the Devil. Others asserted (which were infected with _Puritanism_) that
it was a Judgment shown for the superstitious observation of that
festival day; but the next day, roasting Meat, this seeming miracle
vanished by the descending of the pot fastened to the Jack-line. Another
time my Master had reserved in his Garden some choise Aprecocks, not
above an half-score; which he purposed for some friends that intended to
visit him shortly: The daily sight of this delicate fruit, being
forbidden, tempted me more strongly to attempt their rape; but I made
choice of an impropitious hour to accomplish my design in; for my master
looked out of his window and saw me gather them, though he knew not
absolutely whether it was I or no. Whereupon; he instantly summoned us
together, being met, I quickly understood his intention: therefore I
conveyed the Aprecocks into the next boys pocket, I had no sooner done
it, but we were commanded to be searched; I was very forward to be the
first though I was most suspected, but none was found about me, so that
I was acquitted. But to see with what amazement the poor boy gazed, when
they were discovered about him, how strangely he looked, distorting his
face into several forms, produced laughter even from my incenc’d Master,
but real pity from me, for he was severely whipped for that Crime I my
self committed. I could recite many more such like childish Rogueries,
did I not fear I should be tedious in their relation, and burden the
Reader with juvenile follies; fore I shall return where I left off.
Whilst my Mother was in a serious consultation with her Reason, how she
should dispose of me, I had not patience to wait the result, but gave
her the slip, resolved to run the risk of Fortune, and try whether mine
own endeavours would supply my necessities.

                               CHAP. IV.

    _How he ran from his Mother, and what courses he steered in
        one whole years Ramble._

It was in _August_ when I undertook this my Knight-errantry; the
fairness of the Season much favoured my enterprise: thinking I should
always enjoy such weather, and never be pincht with necessity, I went on
very couragiously. The first dinner I made was on Blackberries and Nuts,
esteemed by me very delicious fare at first, which delighted me so much
the more, having not my liberty controul’d. When night approached it
seemed very uncouth & strange, finding instead of a feather-bed, no
other thing to lie on but a _Haycock_, and no other _coverlid_ but the
_Canopy of Heaven_. But considering with my self that I had no task to
con over night, nor fear of over-sleeping my self next morning, and so
be fetcht to School by a Guard of my fellow Schollars with a Lanthorn
and Candle, though the Sun appear’d at that time in his full lustre; I
laid my self down and slept profoundly, not without some affrighting
dreams: The last was of the Cat of Nine Tails, which my Master laid so
home me thought that the smart thereof made me cry out, and so I awaked;
as then the early Larke, the winged Herald of the morning, had not with
her pretty warbling Notes, summon’d the bright watchmen of the Night to
prepare for a retreat; neither had _Aurora_ opened the Vermillion
Oriental Gate, to make room for Sols radiant Beams, to dissipate that
gloomy darkness that had muffled up our Hemisphere in obscurity. In the
morning I went on in my progress as the day before; then began a shower
of tears to fall from my eyes, considering how I had left my
disconsolate, and almost heart-broken Mother, lamenting my loss, and
fearing what fatal courses I might take: it was no less trouble to me to
think that I was travelling I knew not whither, moneyless, having
nothing but hazel, and Brambles to address my self for the appeasing of
hungers approaching gripes. Now me thought I began to loath my
aforenamed _Manna_, Blackberries, Nuts, Crabs, Bullies, _&c._, and
longed to taste of the _Flesh-pots_ again, but the _Devil a bit_ could I
get but what the hedges afforded me. All day I thus wandred about, not
daring to come near any Town, having had such bad success in the last
when I first rambled, and now night came on, which put me in mind of
procuring a lodging somewhat warmer than the other. A Barn presently
offered it self to my sight, which I accosted, and without delay or
fear, entred into the inchanted Castle, where I found accommodations for
the most faithful and valiant Knight that ere strode Saddle for Ladies
sake. Here might I take my choice of variety of fresh straw, but my
weariness would not permit to complement my good fortune one jot, and I
so tumbled over head and ears; I had not lain there above an hour before
I heard a noise, and peeping out of the straw, being in a great fear, I
saw a many strange Creatures come into the Barn, for the day was not yet
shut in. My thoughts presently reminded me, that I had heard talk of
Hobgoblings, Fairies and the like, and judged these no other; and that
which confirmed me in this belief, was their Garb and talking to one
another in a Language I understood not, (but since, I understand it to
be Canting.) I lay still as long as my fear would permit me, but they
surrounding me, I was not able to contain my self longer, but cryed out
aloud, _Great God have mercy on me, and let not these Devils devour me_;
and with that, started out from among them: They amazed as much as I,
ran for it too, leaving their children behind them, every one esteeming
him the happiest man which was the foremost. I looking behind me, seeing
them following me, imagined these Devils ran upon all four, and having
started their game were resolved to hunt a sinful Leveret to death:
Concluding them long-winded Hell-hounds, I judgd praying a safer way
than flying, and so fell instantly on my knees: The _Gypsies_ quickly
overtook me, and finding me in that posture, soon understood whence
their fear proceeded. They then spoke to me in a Language I understood,
bidding me not be afraid; but I had heard the Devil was a Lyar from the
beginning, therefore I would not believe them. They would have rais’d me
from my devotion, telling me it was enough, and that made me suspect
them the more; thinking they designed to get me out of a praying
posture, that they might have the more power of me. Nothing prevailing
with me, they vowed and protested they would not injure me in the least,
and if I would go along with them, I should share as deliciously as they
did, this was a potent argument to perswasion, and so I agreed to go
along with them back again. All their cry was now for _Rum-booz_ (_i.
e._) for Good Liquor. Their Captain not induring to hear so sad a
Complaint, and not endeavour the supplying the want complained of,
immediately commanded out four able Maunders, (Beggars) ordering them to
stroule (wander) to the next Town, every one going apart. Some
Countrey-men gave them drink fearing they might fire the houses in the
night, out of revenge, others (out of the more ignorant sort) thought
they could command infernal spirits, and so harm them that way, or else
bewitch their Cattle, and therefore would not deny them: in so much,
that in a short time these four return’d laden with bub and food. It was
presently placed in the middle of us, who sate circularly; then out came
the Woodden dishes, every one provided but my self, but I was soon
suppli’d by a young Rum-Mort that sate next me intended for my sporting
mate. A health went round to the Prince of _Maunders_, another to the
Great Duke of _Clapperdogeons_, a third to the Marquess of _Doxy Dells_,
& _Rum Morts_, a fourth, to the Earl of _Clymes_; neither did we forget,
_Haly_, _Abbas_, _Albumazar_, _Arcandam_, with the rest of the
Waggoners, that strive who shall be principal in driving _Charles_ his
Wain. Most part of the night we spent in Boozing, pecking rumly or
wapping, that is drinking, eating, or whoreing, according to those
termes they use among themselves. Jealousie was a thing they never would
admit of in their Society, and to make appear how little they were
tainted therewith, the males and females lay promiscuously together, it
being free for any of the Fraternity to make choice of what _Doxie_ he
liked best, changing when he pleased. They plyed me so oft with their
_Rum-booz_ (as they called it) and pleased me so well in giving me a
young Girle to dally with, who (though in Rags, and with a skin
artificially discolloured tawny) yet I was not so ignorant, as not to
understand good flesh, and what properties went to the compleating a
votaress for _Venus_ service. I was so tickled in my fancy with this
pretty little wanton Companion, that for her sake, I was very well
content to list my self one of that Ragged Regiment. And that which
added to the induceing me to this resolution, was my want of money, and
what I suffered in those two foregoing hard dayes fare among the Nut
Trees. I first acquainted my _Doxie_ with my intent, who glad to hear
thereof, gave it vent, and broacht it to the rest, who unanimously with
joy imbraced me; and to gratify my inagravation _tipt_ to each other a
Gage of _Booz_, and so went round. The fumes of drink had now ascended
into their brain, wherefore they _coucht a Hogs-head_, and went to

                                CHAP. V.

    _Wherein he relates what manner of People they were in whose
        Society he entered himself, division of their Tribes,
        Manners, Customes, and Language._

As soon as I had resolv’d to travel the Country with them, they fitted
me for their company by stripping me, and selling my proper garments,
and cloathing me in rags, which they pinn’d about me, giving a stitch
here and there, according as necessity required. We used not when we
entered our _Libkin_ or Lodging to pull off our clothes; which had I
been forced to do, I could never have put them on again, nor any, but
such who were accustomed to produce _Order_ out of a _Babel of Rags_.
Being now _ale mode Taterdemallion_, to compleat me for their purpose,
with green Walnuts they so discoloured my face, that every one that saw
me, would have sworn I was the true Son of an _Egyptian_. Before we
marched on, let me give you an account of our Leaders, and the rancks we
were disposed in. Our chief Commander was called by the name of
_Ruffeler_, the next to him _Upright-man_, the rest in order thus:

                     _Hookers_, (alias) _Anglero_.
                     _Priggers of Prancers._
                     _Irish toyle._
                     _Abram men._

We Muster’d above threescore old and young, and because we were too
great a company to March together, we were divided into three Squadrons.
The first Squadron that led the Van, was ordered by our Commander, to
stick up small boughs all the way they went, that we might know what
course they steer’d. For like Wild Fowl we fly one after another, and
though we are scattered like the _quarters_ of a _Traitor_, yet like
water when cut with a Sword, we easily came together again. As the
_Switzer_ hath his Wench and his Cock with him when he goes to Wars: or
like a _Scotch Army_, where every Soldier almost hath the _Geud Wife_ &
the _Bearns_ following him: So we had every one his _Doxie_ or Wench,
who carried at her back a _Lullaby-cheat_, & it may be another in her
Arms. When they are weary of carrying them, they take their turnes to
put them in a pair of Panniers, like green Geese going to Market, or
like Fish in Dossers coming from _Rye_. Where note, that each division
hath a small Horse or two, or else Asses to ease them of their burdens.
Some of us were clad Antickly with Bells and other toys, meerly to
allure the Country people unto us, which most commonly produced their
desired effects. In some places they would flock unto us, in great
quantities, and then was our time to make our Markets. We pretended an
acquaintance with the Stars (as having an alliance to the _Egyptian
Magi_, the founders of Astrologick Art) and that the Ministers of Fate
were our Familiars, and so possessing these poor ignorant people with a
belief, that we could tell their fortunes by inspection into either
hands or faces; whil’st we were seriously looking thereon, one of our
_diving Comrades_ pickt their pockets, or with a short sharp knife, and
a horn on the thumb _nipt_ their _bungs_. By asking the silly milk Maids
questions, we gathered from their own mouths the properest resolutions,
then they would admire, and in their admiration tremble to hear the
Truth proceed from the mouth of such as were strangers to their actions,
by which means, among some we gained a great respect, accompanied with
fear. Did not Astrologers make use of such stratagems, they could never
acquire so much repute among the judicious, as well as vulgar
capacities. And because it falls in so pat to my present purpose, I
shall beg so much patience from the Reader, as to give him a brief
account of some fallacies, some _Star-gazing Impostors_ use to work
their own ends, and delude credulous people. One whereof I knew, who
raised his credit (and since a considerable estate) upon the Basis of
good intelligence. He kept a servant, who constantly attended below for
the reception of such who came for satisfaction in the Astrological
Resolution of questions. This mans Office was to tell the Querent, _That
his Master was busie above, about some grand concern, but if the Person
would be pleased to wait a little while, till that business was
dispatched he questioned not but that his Master would render him a
satisfactory account of what he demanded_, adding farther (to infuse
into him faith, to credit what he said) _that though report had spoken
largely_, (and yet nothing but what this Artist hath merited) _yet all
came far short of his real desert, having done such stupendious things,
that must needs (without injustice) be commemorized to Eternity, and
admired by future ages_. In the mean time, this servant endeavoured to
pump out of the Proponent what he came about, which being understood, he
gave information to his Master, by so many times ringing of a Bell. This
Item being given, the Querent is called up, and before ever he can frame
his mouth to propound his question, this profound Artist prevents him,
saying, _I know what you come about Sir, (therefore save your self the
labour to tell me that which I know already) you have lost a Watch, a
Horse; or you would know how you shall prosper in such a business,
whither Marriage or an Imployment; or any such like common question_.
This makes the Artist to be wondered at; and then erecting a Scheme,
positively and surlily tells him what he must expect, and that he may
give answers more exactly concerning stolen goods, he was in constant
fee with _Thief-takers_, who from time to time, made him a report of
what persons were robbed, what the things were, and many times gave him
a description of the Fellon. By these practises men believed every word
he delivered to be an Oracle; so that his Chamber was daily so thronged
with the report of people, that in a short time his ambition pricked him
on to purchases, with the money he had gained thus fallaciously. One
story, very remarkable, I shall add, and then crave your pardon for this
my digression. One day a young Gentleman (but of a mean estate) came to
him, who was more credulous than wise, and more inquisitive then
prudent; and having not that wealth which his _prodigality_ required,
desired instructions what course he was best to steer to arrive at the
Port of his wishes and hopes: viewing him narrowly, he perceived him to
be a man of a sweet complexion, and a body well proportioned; and
therefore judged him a fit subject for Female fancies to work upon.
_Sir_, (said he) _I shall give you my best advice, but I shall crave
your patience for a little while; for a matter of this weight must not
precipitately be undertaken: wherefore if you please to see me to
morrow, what lies in me shall be at your service._ Being just gone it
happened that a _Stale Maid_, who had more money than beauty, & less
discretion than lechery, came to be resolv’d of him, _When she should be
married_: (for it seems by the sequel she could tarry no longer:)
viewing her well, (though she knew not him) he knew her to be wealthy,
and nearly related to persons of quality. _Madam_, (said he) _I shall
endeavour your satisfaction_; and so withdrew into his closet. Having
staid a while bringing out his Figure, and with much gravity looking
thereupon, he thus unridled the mysterious meaning of the Celestial
Bodies. _Madam, You never was much troubled with the importunate suits
of amorous Visitants_, (this he gathered from the deformity of her
Physiognomy) _they all knowing your indifferency to change your
condition, but upon considerable grounds; by which means you have almost
frustrated what the Stars have designed for you. I hope it is but
almost_, (said she) _not altogether_: for it troubled her very much to
hear she should leave the world without tasting the sweets of a married
life. _No_, (he replied) _for if to-morrow by four of the clock in the
Afternoon, you go into _Moor-fields_, & take a turn or two in the
_Userers-walk_, you shall there meet with a person rich & handsome, that
at first sight shall fall extreamly in love with you; slight him not,
neither deny him his conjugal proposal; if you do, it will be too late
to hope for an husband. You shall distinguish him from others by these
signs: His Complexion is fair, his Eye sharp and piercing, his Hair
flaxen, of a middle Stature._ Her joy had like to have transported her
beyond the bounds of modesty, which she could not conceal, but made it
appear in a pecuniary expression of her gratitude for such welcome
tidings; and so promising him to follow his counsel, she took her leave.
The next morning the young Gallant came, who had his lesson given him:
but before he went, he made him give a Bond of 200_l._ to be paid upon
the day of his marriage with that Gentlewoman; which he gladly consented
to, and paid that very sum within ten days after, for according to the
directions was given him, he met with that Gentlewoman describ’d to him,
as he had been before to her, who at the first sight of each other, was
incapable of containing themselves, but mutually embrac’d (after three
or four words past) as if he had been her (_quondam_) Dearly Beloved,
returned from some long Voyage, and went not to their respective
lodgings till their Marriage was consummated. But to return where I left

Thus we rambled up and down the Countrey; and where the people demean’d
themselves not civil to us by voluntary contributions, their Geese,
Hens, Pigs, or any such mandible thing we met with, made us satisfaction
for their hide-bound injuries. Our revenge most commonly was very
bloody, and so merciless, that whatever fell into our hands, never
escaped alive, and in our murders so cruel, that nothing would satisfie
us but the very hearts-blood, of what we killed. The usual sacrifices of
our implacable revenge, were innocent Lambs, Sheep, Calves, _&c._ all
which we handled more severely than Prisoners are by Serjeants, when
they are not paid their unjust Demands; Fees, I should have said, but
that by experience I have found, they walk not according to the Rules of
ancient Constitutions, but are guided by the dictates of their insatiate
wills, which is their Law, which poor Prisoners must indulge, (though
they rack their slender credits, or pawn their Clothes) or else they
must expect less kindness from them, then a Condemned person about to be
tyed up by the Hang-man, who will stay till he is ready to be turned
off. A Goose coming among us, we have a trick to make him so wise, as
never to be a Goose again: But let the wisest use what tricks they can,
they never shall make some Serjeants honest men. We seize the prey, and
leave the Tragical part to our _Morts_ or women to act: the _Stage_ on
which they perform their parts, is either some large _Heath_, or
_Firze-bush-Common_, far from any House. This being done, and night
approaching, we repair to our Dormitories, or Houses of rest, which are
most usually Out-barns of Farmers and Husbandmen, which we make choice
of in some poor stragling Village, who dare not deny us, for fear ere
the morning they find their Thatcht Houses too hot to hold them. These
Barns serve us instead of Cook Rooms, Supping Parlours, and
Bed-Chambers: having Supt, (most commonly in a plentiful manner) we
cannot _Couch a Hogshead_, that is to say, sleep, without good store of
_Rum-booz_, that is, drink; and having sufficiently warm’d our brains
with humming Liquor, which our _Lower_ (Silver) shall procure; if our
deceitful _Maunding_ (Begging) cannot, we then sing a catch or two in
our own Language, of which we had good store; which for their bawdry I
omit: however, give me leave to instance one Canting Song, and I shall
wave the rest, being loath to tire you too much with one thing.

              _Bing out bien Morts, and toure, and toure,
                Bing out bien Morts, and toure;
              For all your Duds are bing’d awast
                The bien Cove hath the loure.
              I met a Dell, I view’d her well,
                She was benship to my watch;
              So she and I did stall, and cloy,
                Whatever we could catch.
              This Doxie Dell can cut bien whids,
                And wap fell for a win;
              And prig and cloy so benshiply,
                All the Deusea-vile within.
              The boyle was up, we had good luck,
                In frost for and in Snow:
              When they did seek, then did we creep,
                And plant in Ruffe-mans low.
              To strawling Ken the Mort bings then,
                To fetch loure for her cheats;
              Duds & Ruffe-peck, Rombold by Harman beck,
                And won by Maunders feats.
              Ye Maunders all, stow what you stall,
                To Rome Coves what so quire,
              And wapping Dell, that niggles well,
                And takes loure for her hire.
              And Jybe well jerckt, teck rome confect,
                For back by glymmar to Maund;
              To mill each ken, let Cove bing then,
                Through Ruff-mans, jague, or Laund,
              Till Crampings quire tip Cove his hire;
                And Quire Ken do them catch,
              A Canniken, mill quire Cuffin,
                So quire to ben Coves watch.
              Bien Darkmans then, Bouse Mort and Ken,
                The bien Coves bings awast,
              On Chates to trine by Rome Coves dine,
                For his long lib at last.
              Bing’d out bien Morts and toure, and toure,
                Bing out of the Rome vile bine,
              And toure the Cove that cloyd your duds,
                Vpon the Chates to trine._

Having even wearied ourselves with drinking and singing, we tumbled
promiscuously together, Male and Female in Straw, not confining our
selves to one constant Consort, we made use of the first that came to
hand; by which means incests and Adulteries became our pastimes. By this
means I grew weary of their practices, and therefore resolved to desert
them as soon as the first opportunity should offer it self, which was in
a short time; wherefore at the present I shall say no more of them, only
give me leave to give some small account of their Language. The first
Inventor of Canting, as I am informed, was Hanged about four score years
since: such _Gibberish_ was never heard of before; since which time,
there hath not been wanting such, who have taken pains in the
pollishing, refining, and augmenting that Language of the _Devils Imps_.
It is a confused invention of words; for its Dialect I cannot find to be
grounded on any certain Rules; and no wonder since the Founders and
Practicers thereof, are the chief Fathers and Nourishers of Disorder.
Yet even out of that Irregularity a man may observe some kind of form,
and some words do retain something of Scholarship, as _Togeman_, a Gown,
from _Toga_; _Pannam_, from _Panis_ Bread; _Cosan_, _Caseus_, Cheese.
The monosyllable _Cheat_; we use as a Relative, as _Nab_, a Head;
_Nab-cheat_, a Hat, _&c._ _Cove_ or _Cuffin_ is in general terms a Man;
but by adding _bien_, which signifies good or well, or _Quire_, which is
wicked or Knavish; you make the word _Cove_ signifie an _Honest man_, or
a _Justice of Peace_. Pardon the expression, for they call a Justice
_Quier Cuffin_; that is to say, as before mentioned, a wicked, knavish,
or foolish man. To conclude, I shall here insert this little Canting
Vocabulary Alphabetically,

  _Avtem Mort_                  │  A married Woman
  _Abram_                       │  Naked
  _Abram Cove_                  │  A Tatter demallion
  _Autem_                       │  A Church
  _Bughar_                      │  A Cur
  _Bouse_                       │  Drink
  _Bousing Ken_                 │  An Ale-house
  _Borde_                       │  A Shilling
  _Boung_                       │  A Purse
  _Bien_                        │  Good or well
  _Benshiply_                   │  Very well
  _Benar_                       │  Better
  _Bing_                        │  To go
  _Bing a waste_                │  To go away
  _Bube_                        │  The Pox
  _Bufe_                        │  A Dog
  _Bleating cheat_              │  A Sheep
  _Belly cheat_                 │  An Apron
  _Betty_                       │  An Instrument to break a door
  _Bite the Peter or Roger_     │  Steal the Portmantle or Cloak-bag.
  _Budge_                       │  One that steals Cloaks
  _Bulk and File_               │  The Pick-pocket and his mate
  _Cokir_                       │  A Lyar
  _Cove_                       ⎫│
                               ⎬│  A Man
  _Cuffin_                     ⎭│
  _Cuffin-Quire_                │  A Justice of Peace
  _Cramprings_                  │  Bolt or Shackles
  _Chats_                       │  The Gallows
  _Canke_                       │  Dumb
  _Crackmans_                   │  Hedges
  _Calle_                      ⎫│
  _Togeman_                    ⎬│  A Cloak
  _Joseph_                     ⎭│
  _Couch_                       │  To lye or sleep
  _Couch a Hogshead_            │  To go to sleep
  _Commission_                 ⎫│
                               ⎬│  A Shirt
  _Mish_                       ⎭│
  _Cackling cheat_              │  A Chicken
  _Cassan_                      │  Cheese
  _Crash_                       │  To kill
  _Crashing cheats_             │  Teeth
  _Cloy_                        │  To steal
  _Cut_                         │  To speak
  _Cut bien whids_              │  To speak well
  _Cut quire whids_             │  To speak evilly
  _Confeck_                     │  Counterfeit
  _Cannakin_                    │  The Plague
  _Cly the Jerk_                │  To be whipt
  _Clapperdogeon_               │  A Beggar born
  _Culle_                       │  A Sap-headed Fellow
  _Dimber_                      │  Pretty
  _Damber_                      │  Rascal
  _Drawers_                     │  Stockings
  _Duds_                        │  Goods
  _Deusea-vile_                 │  The Country
  _Dommerar_                    │  A Mad-man
  _Darkmans_                    │  Night or evening
  _Doxie_                      ⎫│
                               ⎬│  A Wench
  _Dell_                       ⎭│
  _Dock_                       ⎫│
                               ⎬│  To ——
  _Wap_                        ⎭│
  _Deuswins_                    │  Two pence
  _Dup_                         │  To enter.
  _Earnest_                     │  A part
  _As tip me my Earnest_        │  Give me my part or share
  _Frummagem_                   │  Choakt
  _Filch_                       │  A Staff
  _Ferme_                       │  A Hole
  _Fambles_                     │  Hands
  _Famble chears_               │  Rings or Gloves
  _Fib_                         │  To beat
  _Flag_                        │  A Groat
  _Fogus_                       │  Tobacco or Smoke
  _Fencing Cully_               │  One that receives stollen goods
  _Glymmer_                     │  Fire
  _Glaziers_                    │  Eyes
  _Grannam_                     │  Corn
  _Gentry-Mort_                 │  A Gallant Wench
  _Gan_                         │  A Lip
  _Gage_                        │  A Pot or Pipe
  _Grunting cheat_              │  A Sucking Pig
  _Giger_                       │  A Door
  _Gybe_                        │  Any Writing or Pass
  _Glazyer_                     │  One that goes in at the windows
  _Gilt_                        │  A Pick-lock
  _Harmanbeck_                  │  A Constable
  _Harmans_                     │  The Stocks
  _Heave a Booth_               │  To rob an House
  _Half bord_                   │  Six pence
  _Hearts ease_                 │  A twenty shillings piece
  _Jocky_                       │  A Flayl, or mans Privities
  _Jague_                       │  A Ditch
  _Jarke_                       │  A Seal
  _Ken_                         │  An House
  _Kinchin_                     │  Little
  _Knapper of Knappers_         │  A Sheep-stealer
  _Kinchin Cove_                │  A little man
  _Kate_                        │  A Pick-lock
  _Loure_                       │  Money
  _Lightmans_                   │  Morning or Day
  _Lib_                         │  To tumble
  _Libben_                      │  An house to lie in
  _Lage_                        │  Water
  _Libedge_                     │  A Bed
  _Lullabie-cheat_              │  A Childe
  _Lap_                         │  Pottage
  _Lurries_                     │  All manner of Cloaths
  _Maunder_                     │  To Beg
  _Maunders_                    │  Beggers
  _Margery Prater_              │  An Hen
  _Mill_                        │  To steal
  _Make_                        │  An half-penny
  _Mynt_                        │  Gold
  _Muffling cheat_              │  A Napkin
  _Mumpers_                     │  Gentile Beggars
  _Milken_                      │  One that Breaks houses
  _Munns_                       │  The Face
  _Nab_                         │  An head
  _Nab-cheat_                   │  An Hat
                                │⎧ To take
  _Nab_                         │⎨
                                │⎩ Or cheat
  _Palliard_                    │  One whose Father is a Beggar born
  _Paplar_                      │  Milk-Pottage
  _Prats_                       │  Thighs
  _Prigg_                       │  To Ride
  _Peckidge_                    │  Meat
  _Pannam_                      │  Bread
  _Plant_                       │  To lay or hide
  _Prigging_                    │  Riding
  _Prancer_                     │  An Horse
  _Prating cheat_               │  A Tongue
  _Peake_                       │  Any Lace
  _Pike on the Leen_            │  Run as fast as you can
  _Perry_                       │  Fearful
  _Peter_                       │  A Portmantua
  _Prigger of Prancers_         │  An Horse-stealer
  _Pad_                         │  The Highway-man
  _Plant your whids_            │  Have a care what you say
  _Quarron_                     │  A Body
  _Quacking cheat_              │  A Duck
  _Quier_                       │  Wicked or Roguish
  _Quier-Ken_                   │  A Prison
  _Quier-Mort_                  │  A Pocky Jade
  _Quier-Cove_                  │  A Rogue
  _Romboyle_                    │  A Ward or watch
  _Rome_                        │  Gallant
  _Rome-vile_                   │  London
  _Rome-Mort_                   │  A Gallant Girl
  _Ruffin_                      │  The Devil
  _Roger_                       │  A Cloak-bagg
  _Ridge-cully_                 │  A Goldsmith
  _Ruffler_                     │  An over-grown Rogue
  _Ruffe peck_                  │  Bacon
  _Rod-shanke_                  │  A Mallard
  _Rom-pad_                     │  The High-way
  _Rome-padders_                │  High-way-men
  _Rome-Culle_                  │  A Rich Coxcomb
  _Swagg_                       │  A Shop
  _Sundge_                      │  One that lies under the bed
                                │    to rob the house
  _Shop-lift_                   │  One that steals out of shops
  _Stampers_                    │  The shooes
  _Stock-drawers_               │  Stockings
  _Stamps_                      │  Legs
  _Scoure_                      │  To wear
  _Skew_                        │  A Dish
  _Slate_                       │  A Sheet
  _Strommel_                    │  Straw or Hair
  _Skepper_                     │  A Barn
  _Stow your whids_             │  Be wary
                                │⎧ A Brokers House, or an
  _Stalling-Ken_                │⎨   House to receive stollen
                                │⎩   goods
  _Smelling cheat_              │  A Garden
  _Solomon_                     │  The Mass
  _Tour_                        │  To look out
  _Tout his muns_               │  Look in his face
  _Track up the Dancers_        │  Go up the Stayres
  _The Cul Snylches_            │  The Man eyes you
  _Tip the Cole to Adam Tyler_  │  Give what money you pocket-pickt to
                                │    the next party, presently
  _Tip the Mish_                │  Give the Shirt
  _Tib o’ th’ Buttery_          │  A Goose
  _Tip_                         │  To give
  _The Mort tipt me a wink_     │  The Whore gave me a wink
  _Trine_                       │  Tyburn
  _Trining_                     │  Hanging
  _Tick-Rome_                   │  A License
  _Tres wins_                   │  Three pence
  _Win_                         │  A Penny
  _Wicher Cully_                │  A Silver-smith
  _Yarum_                       │  Milk

This much for a taste: I think it not worth my pains to insert all those
Canting words which are used; it is enough that I have here divulged
what words are most in use. Having now deserted this _Tawny_ Crew; I
resolved to betake my self to a new Trade; which you shall understand in
this following Discourse.

                               CHAP. VI.

    _How he went a Begging. What Rules he observ’d therein. What
        Villanies he committed whilst he profest that mysterious

Necessity is a thing better known by the effects, than its character;
and of all things the most insufferable: to prevent which, it puts a man
on to venture upon all manner of dishonest and dangerous actions,
suggesting strange imaginations, and desperate resolutions, solliciting
things infamous, and attempting things impossible; the product of which
is only disorder, confusion, shame, and in the end ruine. But when
Necessity shall conjoyn with an evil disposition, a deprav’d nature,
what horrid and nefarious facts will it not instigate that man to
perpetrate? And though he seeth monthly examples of persons condemned
and executed for the like crimes he daily practiseth, will not forbear
nor desist from such irregular and life-destroying courses, till they
have brought him to the like miserable Catastrophe. Necessity had now
deeply faln in love with me; and the young Virgin Shame-fac’dness (once
my Mistress) had forsaken me: for as soon as I had pull’d but one thread
out of her garment, all the rest unravell’d; and she not brooking her
nakedness, changed her master, and so totally left me. Having now
obtained more than a convenient boldness I travell’d, and begg’d with
very good success. But me thought my life was somewhat uncomfortable
without a Companion, (all Creatures coveting society, but more
especially Man:) at length, according to my desires, I met with one,
whose long practice in this Art, besides the Observations of his
Predecessors, deriving his pedegree in a direct line from _Prince
Prigg_, indu’d him with so much skill as to furnish me with the
knowledge of anything that belonged to the liberal Art of Begging. We
straight betook our selves to the _Boozing Ken_; and having _bubb’d
rumly_, we concluded an everlasting friendship. Than did he recount to
me the most material things observable in our Profession. First, he
tun’d my voice to that pitch which might most of all raise compassion;
next what form of prayer I was to use upon such an occasion, what upon
such, varying according to the humour of those persons that I begged of,
gathered from their habit or gesture; then he told me when we came to
_London_, he would acquaint me what places were most fit for our
purpose, and what times. That I ought not to be too importunate to some,
always wishing well, and loudly praying for the health and safety of
Estate and Limbs of such as deny’d me Alms; but more especially
pronounce a _God bless you Master, and let Heaven reward what you have
here done on earth_, if any thing is bestowed upon me. If any should
pity my nakedness, and cloath me in garments without holes in them, I
should wear them no longer than in the Donors sight, reserving my rags
to re-invest my self, and sell the other, as unfit and scandalous to our
Occupation. That we should never beg far from one another, and at nights
faithfully share the gains. Moreover, he inform’d me the way to make all
sorts of seeming sores and lameness. That within the tatter’d rags,
there be places provided for private conveyance. Some of maturer age, if
they have no children, rent them of such as have; but we had no occasion
for this fallacy. That if I saw a door open, I should go in boldly; if I
met any in the way, I should then in a very submissive manner implore
their help in the assistance of my wants, never desiring any thing but
what was of small value, one half-penny, farthing, or some broken crust,
(if at a door) pretending the not eating of a bit in two days. If the
passage was clear, whip away what was nearest to hand. That the time of
rising in the morning be very early, shewing my self in the streets: for
then will those that pass by, judge I have no other lodging but what a
stall affords, that way procuring relief from pitiful-minded persons,
and so continue begging till the evening; when it beginneth to be
duskish, if any then walks singly, accost him in a begging form; coming
up so close, as that you may knock him down with a Truncheon, still
carried about for that purpose; which is done securely, and many times
with a good booty.

Being full fraught with these, and many more precepts he delivered, we
set forth on our progress. We had not gone far, before we were surprized
by the Constable, as two sturdy Vagrants, and as _hand-sail_ to my new
Trade, we were both soundly whipt out of Town. To avoid this danger for
the time to come, we mist all the towns of any considerable note in our
way, and only frequented Villages; nay at last we were forc’d not only
to avoid them but the High-ways too: for Travellers observing our garb,
countenances, and weapon, which was a Battoon, suspecting us, would
before they came near us, set spurs to their horses and ride as if the
Devil drove them. Many petty rogueries we performed by the way, not
worthy the commemoration, and therefore I shall pass them over; only
this I shall insert.

Travelling the Field-way, we stumbled on a _Tinker_ and his _Trull_
lying by an Hedge-side, I knew not what to thinke at first they lay so
still, with much pulling and stirring then they awakened; I askt them
what they lay there for? They answered me, That they were lately bitten
by a Serpent near adjacent, a potent creature, mighty in strength, and
of a vast proportion, who had lately stung several as well as they. It
seem’d very strange to us, especially having heard not the least report
hereof. To be short, I desir’d them to shew us the place of his
residence, which they readily consented to. In stead of this Venomous
Animal, they only brought us to its representation in a sign, where a
Cup of double-brew’d Beer was sold, notable huming geer. The people
lik’d the Tinker and his Female Comrade well enough, but would not admit
of us, till we shew’d them money: For our Vestments look’d like the
Gleanings of a Rag-merchants Yard. We drank stifly till we laid the
Woman asleep again: still the Tinker bore up stifly, she had not slept
long, but up she started, pull’d up her coats, and in our presence
piss’d in the middle of the room and so sate her self down, yet awaked
not: which action could not but produce much laughter from me and my
Comrade. At last the Tinker fell asleep too, having added so much to his
former burden that he was no longer able to stand under it. Now had my
wits enough to work on: but finding my self very drowsie, for the
strength of the drink had almost over-powred me, insomuch that I was
forc’d to advise with my friend what course I were best take to make me
a little more sober: he was so well known in such matters, (being an old
experienced Pitcher-man) that he quickly counselled me what to do, he
himself being not in the least disturb’d. This was his advice which he
did put in practice, he got a Pail full of water, and so taking me up by
the heels, he clapt my head thereinto; holding me in that manner so
long, that the _Pail_ had like to have prov’d the _Ferry-boat_ that
should waft me over the _Stygian Lake_; this so qualified the heat my
head had contracted by my excessive drinking of that strong stupifying
liquor, that I found it had wrought its desired effects.

After this, we ransackt their pockets, but found little in the mans; but
searching the woman in a private place between her Pocket and Placket,
we discovered something considerable, which we took. Having so done, we
thought it high time to be gone, but first we resolved to make some
sport as well as take their moneys, which was thus: I tied to each of
their Girdles, behind, a Flaggon-pot, and to each a Label affixt, or a
paper of Verses, and so immediately tript off. The Host seeing us go out
of doors with more than ordinary speed, ran into the room where the
_Tinker_ and his _Lady_ were: he suddenly awaked them, telling them we
were gone. Hearing this, they hastily started up, and reeling ran to
overtake us: the Master of the house seeing his Pots dangling at their
breech, ran after the _Tinker_, crying, _Stop’em, stop’em, Stop the
thievish Tinker, stop the Whore with my Pot_. We were wiser than to stay
to hear how the _Tinker_ and his _Trull_ came off, or to hear the
laughter that we undoubtedly raised by this waggish contrivance, but
directed our course for _London_ directly; where we arrived soon enough,
nay too soon for some. This Out-cry soon alarm’d the ears of his
Neighbours, who with the Host seizing on them, and carrying them back,
gave us an opportunity for our escape. The Lines that were about the
_Tinkers_ Pot, were these, to my best remembrance.

           _Serpents but sting, or only bite so deep,
             To numb the sense, so lay men fast asleep.
           Wit acts far greater things. I’ll say no more:
             Pay first for sleeping, then the Pots restore._

Those that were fastened to the Womans Pot, were these:

   _’Twas not the Serpent, but strong Beer that stung:
     The _vent_ being _stopt_, the Drink wrought through the _Bung_._

I had like to have forgot to give you an account of a merry passage that
hapned upon the road we travelled on; beating the hoof we overtook a
Cart, but in the name of _Rabbi Abraham_, what think you was in it? In
troth even a Squadron of the _Tatterdemallion Regiment_; Some
pretendedly blind, others their leggs tied up in a string. A third sort
having a dead Palsy over all one side. A fourth so lame as if he never
had been strung with sinews. We fell into discourse, asking them whither
they were bound thus carted? They answered us: every one for his own
Country, we have been already jib’d (said one) that is jerkt at the
Whipping-post, and now enjoy the benefit of a Pass. The Surly Rogue the
Carter observing our familiar talk made a stand, speaking to us after
this manner. Why how now Gentlemen, how dropt you out of the Carts Arse?
what, you go on foot and your Brethren ride? It shall not be; ease your
legs, come I’le lend you an hand. I was about to reply when a fellow
came along who knew this Carter, and askt him what he would do, or
whither he was going with them Criples. Introth said he, to tell you the
truth, I am going to _Kilum_ (a Town it seems on the borders of
_Oxford_-Shire.) Hearing this, I knew not what to think on’t but
consulted with the aspect of the carted crew. Their faces discovered
nothing but sence of danger, so that now I perceiv’d their thoughts were
solely imployed about their escape, which they did soon put in
execution. For forthwith the strings were cut that tied up their legs,
who silently slid out of the cart one after another for fear of
discovery, the blind could see their way down too, the Paralitick could
run as swift as a Stag; The fellow drove on still, not missing his
Company presently, at last looking about he saw one running this way,
another that way, a third contrary to either, a fourth was hiding
himself in a bush, thus they were all disperst: D’ee here, d’ee here,
cry’d the Carter, restore the leggs and eyes you borrowed, and then run
to the Devil if you can. I heard one of them distinctly answer him, I’le
see you hang’d first, you murdering Rogue e’re I will come near you;
dont you remember that you said even now that you were going to Killum.
Could you but imagine the various postures their causless fear put them
in you would be a great Sharer with me in laughter, I could not retain
my self from; this story put me in mind of the like mistake, whose
effects proved more fatall in the time of the intestine wars in
_Ireland_: a Trooper met with a Sculogue or Country-fellow, and
demanding of him whence he came, he answered from _Killwanium_: whither
art a going? to _Killmore_ sayd he: (these are two Towns) with that the
Soldier sware he should not kill more, and so pistol’d him.


                               CHAP. VII.

    _Coming to _London_, he enters himself into the society of
        Beggars, distinguished by these Titles, _Ben seakers_,
        _Dommerars_, _Clapperdogeons_, &c., with a short
        description of their Manners and Customes; as also a
        relation of a piece of Theft he committed._

Coming up to _London_, we straight way betook our selves to
_Newington-Butts_, but by the way, my Friend could not forbear calling
on his Friends in _Kent-street_, there they gave me a Nick-name; and my
Comrade immediately fell to work, to put himself into an equipage fit
for the employment we had undertaken. He needed not to alter his habit;
but his chief aim was to make counterfeit Sores or Clymes, according to
the term of Art that is given them. With the assistance of some of the
Fraternity, he had in an hours time, such a Leg, that I could hardly
look upon it without even dropping down; and thus they made it; They
took unslaked Lime and Sope, mingled with the rust of old Iron: these
being well temper’d together, they did spred it thick on two pieces of
leather, which they apply’d to his Leg, binding it thereunto very hard,
which in a short time did fret off the skin, the flesh appearing all
raw; then did they take blood and rub’d it all over his Leg; which being
fully dried, made the Leg appear all black, the Sore they did only let
peep out of the holes of five or six matterish clouts. He soon got us a
Doxie too, with a couple of children, (the fitter for our purpose) the
one to carry in her arms, and the other to lead. Providing himself and
me with a good lusty _Filch_ or _Stick_, with a hole at the end thereof,
to put in a hook if occasion should serve, to filch any thing off
Hedges, _&c._ Away we went into _Moor-fields_: he would have made me a
_Clyme_ too, or an Artificial sore; but my stomack would no wayes accept
of his kindness. Coming into the Fields, he planted me in a convenient
place, the _Doxie_ with her _Lullaby-cheats_ in another; and himself in
a third, not far distant from one another, that one might catch the
others _Maunding_ at the rebound. I observ’d my _Friend_ and _Rogue_
diligently, what he did, for my own information. One would have sworn he
had been absolutely lame, for (about to lie down) he slid to the earth
by his Staff; being on the ground, the first thing I took notice of; was
the pitious distorting of his face into various forms, to stir up
compassion in such as passed by him; to which he added, a most doleful
noise to this effect; _For Gods sake some tender hearted Christians,
cast through your merciful eyes one pittiful look upon a sore, lame, and
miserable wretch: Bestow one penny or half-penny upon him that is ready
to perish_, &c. I knew not how to tune my voice, for hearkening to him;
which he observing (when all the people were passed by) he held up his
stick at me, a strong argument of his great displeasure, which lest I
might farther incur, I was forced to tone it out to some purpose. Night
approaching, we left off begging, resolving to recreate our selves with
what we had got: in the way home, I saw a very fine piece of Beef lying
on a Butchers-stall, the woman that kept the shop, was telling a Gossips
tale to her neighbour so intentively, as I thought I might seize on my
prey, and she never the wiser; with that I boldly snatched it up; which
an opposite neighbour perceiving, ran after me, and soon took me. I was
brought back before the woman, who was so wise (forsooth) that she would
not receive stollen goods, though they were her own; and so inraged she
was, that nothing would serve her turn, but I must go before a Justice;
and to add to my punishment, she made me carry the stollen Beef openly.
Coming before his Worship, my accusation was read, aggravated by many
feigned circumstances. The pitiful and sad calls of my eyes, were all
the Rhetorick I used in my own vindication; which the merciful Justice
perceiving, they were so prevalent, as to gain some favour from him;
whereupon he ask’d the woman what she valued her Beef at? _Why_ (said
she) _I would not have abated a penny of five shillings. Take heed what
you say, good woman_, (said he) _for should you swear this, it is enough
to hang him. O Lord, Sir_, (said she) _I would not hang him for a
world_; then said his Worship, _You must prize it under thirteen pence
half-penny_; whereupon the Butchers Wife was content to value it at
eight pence. The price being set, the Beef was conveyed into the
Justices Kitchin, and the woman put to her Oath; having sworn, my
_Mittimus_ was made, and therewith sent to Prison. The woman now thought
she should have her Beef surely, and without any danger in the
reception, and therefore demanded it; but the Justice told her he would
buy it of her, and so asked her what she would have for it: _Sir_, (said
she) five shillings; I cannot afford it one farthing under. How, how!
(said he) did you not swear but even now, it was worth but eight pence,
and do you now talk of five shillings? A mear Cheat, Extortioner, &c.
Make her _Mittimus_, (speaking to his Clerk) which so terrified the
Woman, that she cried out most pitteously; good your Worship, do not
send me to Prison, and do with me what you please. The Justice at this
lookt stedfastly upon her (who was not so old but that he could discern
a handsome woman when he faw her) and indeed generally your Butchers
have jolly handsome Wives; otherwise they may be ashamed to serve seven
years in handling and choosing good flesh for others, and at last know
not how to make choice of a fine young plump juicie bit for themselves.
I say, the Justice looking upon her, smiled, yet seemed to reprove her
sharply, and at last pretended he had something to tell her he would not
have every one hear, carried her into a withdrawing Room, where they
staid not long but out she came and declared openly that she would never
desire more justice done her, than that good and just Justice (as she
called him) had shown her. And as I understood afterwards, he did her so
much right, that she sent him in an half dozen of Bottles of Canary, and
supt with him on her own flesh; I in the mean time wished them both
choaked in the eating thereof; for never did _Roman Catholick_ endure
greater and severer _pennance_ for eating flesh on _Good-friday_; then I
for coveting this; I have lov’d a Capon the better for it ever since.
For I was no sooner gotten out into the street, but I had a hundred
people about me, crying which is the young Rogue; this, this is he said
the Butcher, pretending to lay his hand upon my shoulder, but gave me a
terrible nip by the ear, which made me roar out so loud and so suddenly
unexpected, that my Gentleman Usher that was leading me by the arm to
the _White Lyon_, starting, let go his hold. There was no dallying with
so fair an opportunity, fear and love of sweet liberty so wing’d my
feet, that running instantly hereupon, I was gotten presently a great
way before them. The Harmanbeck, Huntsman or Constable seeing this,
unable to run himself by reason of that great load of flesh he
constantly carried about him, set a pack of young yelping Curs to track
the scent, but they were soon all at a loss: and so I escapt their


                              CHAP. VIII.

    _Whilst a Beggar what cunning tricks he invented to steal
        undiscovered, and how at last served, being caught _ipso

The next day I went into _Lincolns-Inn-fields_, where I saw a company of
Rogues, cheats, Pick-pockets, &c., playing at Pidgeon holes (a game much
practised there, and in More-fields, by such mischievious and lazie
Rascals) growing very hungry, I singled out two or three of the fittest
for my purpose in assisting or contriving Roguery; a little rising
grass-plat was our counsil-table, where we consulted what stratagems
would best take and were least known. Come Gentlemen said I (for the
Liberal Science or antient profession they studied was enough to
gentelize them) what money have yee, _sine Cerere & Baccho friget
ingenium_, we must have good liquor that shall warm our bloods, enliven
and unthaw our congealed spirits and make our inventions and fancies as
nimble as lightning. Faith said one, I have but three pence; yet that
you may see how well quallified I am for your company, I’le have money
for you presently. He was not gone much above an half hour but merrily
he came to us; sitting down he desired me to put my hand down his neck
between his wascoat and shirt, which accordingly I did, but admired to
groap out three rashers of Bacon, which I produced to the Company. Very
importunate I was with him, to know what it meant, and how they came
there. Give me attention (said he) and I will unravel this riddle thus.
Walking along the streets leisurely, strictly eying any thing on which I
might seize securely and advantageously: at length I saw a good pittiful
old Woman (for so she seem’d to me by her countenance) selling Bacon,
who I observ’d did put what money she took into a pocket made in her
Apron. Upon this sight Fancy me thought suggested to me that her money
was as already as surely mine as if I had already confin’d it close
Prisoner in my leathern dungeon. And thus I wrought my design. Good
Woman said I, (speaking in a whining tone,) how do you sell your Bacon a
pound? Seven pence (said she,) whereupon I began a lamentable oration,
telling her that I would willingly have half a pound but that I had but
three pence; that my Master was a very cruel man, half starving his
servants; come give me your money sirrah, she said, for once you shall
have it so; weighing it, I desired her to cut it into slices and thrust
it down my back; She asked my reason for it, I told her that my Master
usually searcht me, and should he find any such thing in my pockets, he
would half murther me. Alas poor boy (quoth the good old Woman) lean
down thy head towards me, surely I will do thee that small kindness:
whilst she was larding my back, I got my hands underneath her Apron, and
with this short knife nipt of the bottom of her pocket, and thus have I
done my part to procure yee both food and money. As I lookt on this as
base ingratitude, so I could not but tacitely within myself, both
condemn and abhorr such society, remembring the words of _Juvenal_.

                  _Ingratos ante omnia pone sodales._

Of all persons we should shun most the ingrateful. Neither could I
forbear (though I was joyful of the purchase) to read him a publick
lecture on his ingratitude; what (said I) shall we find gratitude in
Beasts (as in the Lyon that was healed by _Andronicus_ in the wood,
which afterwards saved his life in the Theater) and yet shall we be
unthankful! I have read a story of an _Asp_ that was kept and nourished
by an Husbandman at his own table, feeding him there dayly; at last she
brought forth two young ones, one whereof poisoned the Husbandmans son,
the old one (as my Author tells me) in the sight of the Father killed
the offender and as if ashamed of his ingratitude departed the house
with the other and was not seen after. I would have proceeded, but that
they told me if I did, they would have no men of morals in their
company, and so away we went to Beggars Hall, hard by, where we called
lustily. Fearing we should spend all the money, I desired the company
that some small portion might be left in my hands as a stock to trade
on, which they consented to.

Having feasted our selves well, before we departed, the next days
meeting was appointed, when and where. Against the time I had made a
quantity of Serpents, Crackers, &c., and brought them with me. When
first I show’d them, they all fell out a laughing to think I could
improve our stock by such devices. Have but the patience to hear me
(said I) and then condemn me if you see cause; Ever since I parted from
you I have been racking my invention to find out some way whereby I
might render my self both deserving of, and acceptable to your company,
and I think this my first discovery will do it; I would have you _Jack_,
_Tom_ and _Will_, take an equal quantity of Crackers and Serpents, and
anon at night let us go into the Market, where each of you shall observe
each of us: where ever we make a stand be sure you throw a Serpent,
_&c._ at that very place; and then will we take the opportunity of the
peoples confusion and fright, and so march off with what we can lay
hands on. This plot was very well liked of by all. The evening
approaching (it being near _November_) we went to put what I had
contrived to execution. The first that was thrown was where I stood,
which fell into the Basket on which a Market Woman sate, the Woman
starting up to extinguish it, suddenly it bounced in her face, the smoak
whereof and powder, for a little time so blinded her, that she could not
see me walk off with a shoulder of Mutton, my comrades had the like
success with a Pig and a Goose. Having done enough as we thought for
that time, we went to a place of our acquaintance, where we had the
Mutton, Pig, and Goose roasted, giving the Landlord the Pig for
dressing, bread, and drink. We were so successful for the first, that we
made several tryals afterwards not ineffectual. But in fine, I found the
Proverb verified, _The pitcher goes not so often to the well, but that
it comes home crackt at last_. One time I went, and having ordered them
to do as they had done before, a Serpent came flying on the Womans stall
where I stood and fell into her lap, which being brusht off, fell
underneath her coats, and there burst, in the mean while I had gotten a
loyn of Veal and was trooping off with it, the Woman missing it
suspected me by my great haste, followed me and laying hands on me found
her meat under my coat. O have I caught you Mr. Theif. Mistake not good
Woman (said I) it is no such matter. For as I stood by your stall, the
wildfire which some unhappy Knaves threw, so scared me, that having your
meat in my hand at that time cheapning it, I was so frighted that I ran
away with your Veal to shun the danger, forgetting to lay it down,
wherefore pray take it again. Taking her meat, here is a pure excuse
indeed (said she) but this shall not serve your turn, and with that,
gave me two or three such blows on my chops, that I verily thought she
had made me swallow half my teeth. Another that had heard our discourse
takes me to task after this: Come sirrah, you love the flesh well, but
’tis fit you should pay for it. And it is but just if you will have my
flesh, I should have some of yours. Up straight he snatcht his Knife,
and holding me by the ear I verily thought he would have markt me as he
used to do his calves. My crying and praying so far prevailed, that he
only kickt me to his next Neighbour and so from one to another, so that
though it cannot be said I ran the Gantlet, yet between the Pannyers on
both sides, I was kickt the Gantlet from the Standard in _Cheapside_ to
the conduit at the lower end thereof. This unhappy adventure made me
betake my self to my old course of begging, resolving as yet not to deal
in that trade I had litle experience in.


                               CHAP. IX.

    _A Merchant seeing him begging, took a fancy to him,
        conducts him to his House, and entertains him as his

One day as I was begging, more fervently then formerly, having gotten
not one penny that day, so that I found a civil war between my Guts and
Stomack, yet knew not how to salve up the difference; neither would they
hearken to any thing but a Bill of Fare. In the midst of this
combustion, a Tradesman of no mean quality, passing by, took a strong
fancy to me, being extraordinarily pleased with the form of my face and
body. He asked me, Whence I came? what my Parents were? and what I
intended? I answered him with well contriv’d forgeries, that seemed to
give him good satisfaction: liking well both my speech and
understanding, he bid me follow him, which accordingly I did; having
conducted me to his house, he presented me to his Wife, my intended
Mistris, telling her his resolutions of receiving me into his service;
at which she blest her self, saying, _Prithee, Sweet-heart, from what
Dunghil didst thou pick up this _Shakerag_, this Squire of the body?
This thing drest up in sippits? This Scarecrow, what shall I call him?_
(for I am sure I had but few cloathes on, but what were rather fit to
dung ground, then to be sent to the Paper-mill.) Said my Master, _Rest
yourself satisfied, since it is my pleasure, this shall be so: neither
can I give you any reason for my fancy_. Whereupon he commanded me to be
stript, and well washed; in the mean time cloaths were provided for me,
a suit of one of his Apprentices. A great Vessel like _Cornelius_ his
Tub, was filled with water to bath me, but so cunningly set by the
Maids, (though privately) that they might see me all over naked. It was
my good fortune to observe my Mistress standing in a private place on
purpose to see me dismantled; and after I was washed, she commended the
whiteness of my skin and well-proportioned limbs; and by the consequent,
approv’d within her self of something else, for I was then a stubbed
Lad. Being new clothed, and raised to this unexpected fortune, how
strangely did this vain blast puff up my empty pate! However, I was
resolved to carry my self discreetly, lest I should overthrow the state
I was then in, not yet well settled. Wherefore I behaved myself very
respectfully towards my Master, and served him as punctually as I could,
endeavouring that my service should requite his kindness in as great
measure as my abilities could perform.

My endeavour was not only to please my Master, but my Mistress too, even
in the meanest services; so officious to her, that I was ready to
perform the office of a Chamber-maid. The maid-servants I obliged also,
by doing their duty, as making the fires, washing the Kitching, nimbly
and willingly doing any thing they would have me; by which I so
ingratiated my self among them, that I always had their good estimation
among themselves, and good word to my Master and Mistress when occasion
served. Very careful I was, not to report what I heard, lest I by that
means, involv’d my self in the affairs of others, without advantage to
my self. For by meddling in others matters, I should breed animosity
among them, and reap just hatred to my self, when discovered to be the
too too busie intelligencer. This I looked on as an undeniable maxime,
That nothing more recommends a man, then a silent tongue, (unless
necessity required the contrary) a fair complacential carriage, and a
faithful heart. My Master in a humour would sometimes find fault with
me, but then it was my chiefest care not to reply, knowing, that what
should be alleadged as to my just vindication, would but aggravate his
spirits being passionate, alwayes punctually performing what was
commanded me. To try my fidelity, he would lay a sixpence on the
Counter, or in the Window, as if it had been left there forgotten. I was
wiser then to be caught so, and therefore would instantly carry him the
money. One time sending me out to buy something, instead of a shilling
he gave me among other money a piece of Gold; I took no notice of it
then, but being gone a little way, I came running back out of breath to
restore him the piece; this and the like made my Master stand amazed at
my seeming honesty. A strange alteration, you will say; but all this was
only to get a good esteem, whereby I might gain fast footing. What
though I underwent a great deal of pains, and had my patience tried to
the height? Yet I gain’d much in the end, had God given me grace rightly
to use it, and the baseness of my nature not perswaded me to abuse it.
So much credit I had gotten with my Master, by my civil behaviour, that
he raised me _gradatim_, step by step. Being ignorant of Arithmetick; he
caused a Master to come to his house to instruct me, which I soon
apprehended, and by that means was capacitated to keep his accompts,
which was the thing I aim’d at, intending thereby the prosecution of
mine own ends, notwithstanding my pretended fidelity, and his real
kindness to me undeserv’d: which puts me in mind of the conclusion of an
Epitaph I have read on a Tomb, which the Master erected for the
perpetual commemoration of his servants cordial respect and honesty.

            _View oft his Tomb-stone, since we seldome find,
            A servant faithful, and his Master kind._

Now to the intent I might compleat my conquest of his heart, I pretended
my self an _Independent_, not omitting any opportunity of going to their
meetings; and upon all occasions would rail against Steeple-houses (as
we called them) and tear the Bishops holland sleaves to pieces, calling
them the impure rags of the Babylonish Whores Smock, &c. I would pray
mornings and evenings so loud, so late, and so early, that my neighbours
could hardly sleep for me, much less those of our own Family.
Notwithstanding all this piety, not a day past wherein I cheated not my
Master. Thus did I delude his eyes with pretended sanctity, yet
concluded with the Poet,

            _Da mihi fallere, da justum Sanctumque videri,
            Noctem peccatis & fraudibus objice nubem._

            _Let me seem just; to cheat the better shrow’d,
            Let my deceits be hidden in a Cloud._

How much did I silly fool deceive my self, thinking my self secure,
because no mortal eye saw me. Be not thus cheated as I was, for assure
your self there is no darkness so thick and obscure, which the
All-over-seeing and Eternal piercing eye cannot penetrate——

                      _Cernit Deus omnia vindex._

A passage remarkable in _Erasmus_ I read to this purpose concerning a
young Gentleman, whom a wanton Lady tempted, who used this expression as
his last and best Refuge. _Art not thou ashamed to do that in the sight
of thy Maker, and the Holy Angels, which thou art ashamed to do in the
sight of men._ We are afraid of disgrace with men, not caring for the
Grace of God.


                                CHAP. X.

    _How he came acquainted with lewd and vicious Apprentices.
        What Trade they drove together. What places and times of

I was as officious at home, as reserved from all company, never stirring
forth unless called out by my Masters business, till my next Neighbours
man intruded himself into my acquaintance. Who so farr insinuated
himself into my affections, that I was in a manner wholly ruled by him.
He and I met on a time abroad, and would not be deny’d but he must needs
fasten a glass of Wine, conducting me to a Tavern where the Drawer (as
he said) was his friend. After several Congratulations past, order was
given for a pint of Canary: being gone to draw it, this young man began
to tell me what an honest fellow this _Ralph_ the Drawer was; which
words he had no sooner utter’d, but I heard him cry at the Bar, _A Pint
of White-wine in the Rose score_; and immediately in he brings it, and
in formality a glass, but we made no use of it, for he was fearful his
Master would discover the cheat, and therefore desired us to be speedy
in the dispatch, and so we made but two draughts thereof. Away he goes
again, and brings in another, not after the same manner, but crying it
_Right_, bringing withal a Quart-Bottle in his Codpiece: _Now,
Gentleman_, (said he) _using your discretion, you may sit and talk
freely, without either fear or suspition_, using your glass and when
your pint is empty fill him again you shall not want for liquor Ladds.
This something amazed me at first, till my Neighbour _Thomas_ told me
that this was frequent, and that he and two or three friends at any time
could be drunk for six pence a piece. _Come, come, you are but a
Novice_, said he; _but if you will be ruled by me, I’ll shew you the way
to soften the cord of bondage, to make the long time of a seven years
Apprenticeship seem short, by living as merry, nay more jovially than
our Masters. They may be destracted with cares how to procure
necessaries, pay Rent, satisfie Creditors, whilst we have none of these
pressures and disturbances on our spirits. What though we have an harsh
word or a smart blow, it may be, a broken pate? We will make his Till
spring a leak for it, or his Goods go to Pot, and break him at last too.
It may be his Provision is neither dainty nor plentiful, nay,
restrained, from our liberty too: ’tis only by day then, we will be
Masters of our own at night, not wanting any thing that may conduce to
mirth, or the delegation of our insatiate senses._

I asked him how could this be done? He answered, _If I would swear to be
secret and faithful, and become a Brother of the society, he would not
only tell me how all this_ (afore recited) _might be performed, but
would likewise introduce me into the place where these jolly Blades used
to congregate_. I soon consented, rejoycing exceedingly at this blessed
opportunity, (as I thought it) wherein I might sail in the Ocean of
delight, bound for no other Port but that of Pleasure or Profit, never
considering the inevitable Quicksands which such meet withal, steering
that course, having no other Compass to sail by then their own Fancy.
Very eager I was to have him inform my judgment with what at present I
understood not, but doubted not in a little time to be as forward as the
foremost in any moral wickedness. First, he informed me, that I must
insinuate myself into the Maids favour, so that, when the occasion
should require, she may let you have the Key of the Street-door, or else
sit up for your return, making her sensible that she doth not so break
her sleep for nothing. That I must never fail coming home to gratifie
her kindness. If she be modest and continent, only kiss her, and that my
behaviour should not be either rude or lascivious, that all my
expressions should savour of _Platonique_, or chast love, often
repeating this to her; _O that I was out of my time, if it were for
nothing else but to repay thee thy love! So great an acknowledgement I
have of thy civilities, that I hope a time will come wherein I shall
make full satisfaction for all, &c._ If she be bucksome, or wantonly
given, she will never be content with hopes, promises, and
protestations, vows, and such like windy stuff; wherefore you must kiss,
hug, and embrace her, telling how dearly you love her; and then fall to
somewhat else: She may put you off at first with a _Pish_, a _Fye_, or
_Pray be civil_; yet be so far from denying, that if you proceed not on
vigorously, she will prompt you herself, to try what mettle you are made
of; if dull, she will make you the Subject of her private nay and
publick laughter and scorn. But be very cautious of procreation, which
you may prevent several ways. Now to tell you what manner of persons we
are; that are confederates; there are few among us but what are of
several Trades selected, as _Linnen Drapers_, _Mercers_, _Woollen
Drapers_, _Silkmen_, _Hosiers_, _Haberdashers_, _Merchants_, _Grocers_,
_Goldsmiths_, _Jewellers_, _Ribband-sellers_, _Exchange-men_, to which
add a _Drawer_ and an _Oyl-man_, the one to furnish us with good Liquor,
and the other to prepare our pallates for it. A great many Trades there
are which signifie nothing in our Commonwealth as _Pewtrers_,
_Braziers_, _Plummers_, _&c._, we are only for such as will profit the
body, please the Pallate & fill the Pocket. Every one brings his several
Commodities at the place of meeting, then do we exchange or barter one
with another for what each respective person wants; either to supply his
own occasion, or his Mistress: for it is to be supposed such a thing
must be had; when procured, must be maintained, though to the definition
of our Masters Estates, and mine of our bodily health. Further he added,
that our Masters might not detect us in the purloining his goods, you
must not (said he) take too much of one sort of Commodity.

All this I liked wonderfully well, and promised to meet that day seven
night at the place appointed; and so we parted. Coming home, I
immediately put these prescriptions into practice; first; taking notice
of what Goods we had greatest quantity; and whatsoever Commodity my
Master forgot he had: I always secured it as mine own: nay, sometimes I
would try him; _There was such a person enquiring for such a thing to
day when you were abroad, but I could not find it_: it may be he would
say, _We had it not_; suiting my design according to desire. Having
taken a thorrow view of the Shop and Ware house, I saw so many ways of
advantage, if assisted by a cleanly conveyance, that I could snip as
well as the most forward of them all.

The next thing I had to do, was to endear myself to the chief maid, who
was one of those that lay covertly to see me wash myself in the Tub; and
as she confest since, took an affection to me from that hour. It
required no long time to court her into a compliance; her Complexion or
Temperament, forcing her acceptance of anything amorously inclined. The
colour of her hair inclined to Red, which colour (though I know not for
what reason) I love above any: This may be partly the reason, because as
that Complexion hath alwayes the concomitant of a very white skin, so it
hath two inseperable Companions, Plumpness and Bucksomness: Her skin as
the usual attendant of Red or Flaxenish hair, (as I said) was as white
as whiteness it self: Her Cheeks naturally painted with _Vermilion_;
plump were her Cheeks and Lips, with a mole thereon, and a dimple in her
Chin, as the infallible marks of one that is willing to dedicate herself
to the service of _Venus_.

Having a fit opportunity, after some amorous discourse, I desired her
she would grant me leave that night to talk with her in private, having
business of importance to impart to her: She condescended to my
proposition. As soon as our Master and Mistress were gone to take their
rest, her impatience to hear what I would say, made her soon send the
rest to bed. The house being thus cleared, and all things silent as the
Air, when Winds into their hollow grots repair, I acquainted her with
the greatness of my affection, which I delivered with all the Rhetorick
I could invent, still touching that String which produced Loves
harmonious concord; So fervent I was in my expressions, and so ardent
and hot in my desires, that I soon melted the conjealed iceness of her
Chastity: But first there were mutual Articles reciprocally drawn and
agreed unto, _viz._

_That if she proved with child, I should marry her._

_That _I_ should devote my self to her service, and nones else._

_That we should both endeavour to make use of all opportunities for the
enjoyment of each other._

_That to prevent discovery, we should often fall out before people, that
without suspition in private we might agree the better; throwing
oftentimes bones at my head when sitting at Dinner, because suspition
should not deprive her of the Grissel._ So great was our seeming feud
sometimes, that our master was called in to part us.

After this I gave her plenary instructions as to my affairs, which she
faithfully and punctually promised to observe. Then did I put my hand to
the instrument, and sealed the Articles with two witnesses.

The night was come wherein I was to meet according to promise. I
acquainted my _Amoretta_ with my intention of going out at twelve a
clock; and that my Master might not in the least suspect me, I went to
bed, but arose again at the hour promised. The first time I would not
carry any Commodities with me, resolving to see first what they did.
Being come to the house, I was introduced by my Neighbour _Thomas_ into
a private back-room, among the associated Brethren. I was much amazed to
see such variety of Wares lie upon a long Table, as Silks, Stuffs,
Cloth, Linnen and Woollen, Stockings, Ribbands, Muffs, Hoods, Scarfs,
and the like. Some of them came to me, and welcomed me as a Brother,
drinking to me in a Beer-bowl of Sack and Sugar.

Most of the Company being met, they truckt with each other according to
their convenience, furnishing themselves with what they either stood in
need of themselves or their friends. Several things were offered me; I
told them I had brought nothing to retalliate in lieu: They told me my
Credit was good, which is the Soul of Commerce; telling me they should
have occasion to make use of me in the like nature another time. I took
with me only such things as might be proper to bestow at home, on whom I
had lately engaged my affections; which I presented her with,
accompanied with many expressions and protestations of a never-dying
affection. She accepted of my kindness with much gratitude, but thought
she could not fully remunerate me without a re-admission into her
private and then particular savours, I could easily discern her
inclinations by griping of my hand, kissing as if she would devour me,
the palpitation of her heart, and her inflamed eyes. I ran parallel with
her in the same desires, so that with much facility we two clapt up a
bargain. After which; I would have betaken my self to my rest in my own
bed, but that was displeasing to her, I perceived nothing would content
her, but that we should be bed-fellows. I soon assented to it, though to
the hazard of both our credits and fortunes. I desired her to go up
first, telling her I would follow instantly after. By that time I
thought she was in bed, up marcht I the stairs, which creackt as if they
had conspired a discovery; Coming up to the highest stair, I raised my
foot (being fearful of making any noise) thinking there had been
another, it descended with such precipitation, that I made the house
eccho. The Chamber wherein my Master and Mistress lay, (the maid lying
in a Trundle bed underneath them) was right against this Stair-head. My
Master had taken a dose more then ordinary of Sack, so that this noise
awaked him not: my mistress at the first hearing thereof, imagined
Thieves had broken into the house; she endeavoured to wake her Husband,
by stirring him, but could not, therefore thought it the best way to lie
still, expecting the event. In the mean time I lay _per due_, stirring
not till I imagined my Mistress asleep again. The maid, concluding I
durst not adventure further by reason of this unfortunate accident, fell
immediately into a profound sleep. Finding (after a considerable time)
all things still and quiet, I entred the Chamber, dark as Hell, and in a
low voice, groaping the contrary way, I cried, _Where art?_ _Here,
here_, said my Mistress, in a whispering tone: minding from whence the
sound came as near as I could, I directed my foot-steps to that place:
The same words being repeated, conveyed me exactly to that side of the
bed whereon my Mistress lay. Taking her about the neck, I kist her a
thousand times: using then all the alluring and loving expressions I
could invent: not perceiving my mistake, I made all the haste I could
(and all too little) to undress my self; which was done in an instant:
Opening the Cloths to come to bed, _Hold_, said my Mistress, _I have a
Bed fellow already; what I have suffered you to do, was only as a tryal
to understand what you intended. Get you gone to your own bed for this
night, and I shall talk with you farther to morrow._ I durst not reply,
not daring to stay longer, but betook my self to my own Chamber, possest
with fear and shame, I nothing but tost and tumbled all that night,
taking not the least rest.

In the morning early I was up, shewing my self more than ordinary
diligent. But, Lord, what a confusion I was in, when I saw my Mistress
come into the Shop? I made an hundred pretences to stoop behind the
Counter, and rectifie disordered Wares: So busie I was with my back
towards her, that she could not have so much as a sight of me. At length
she comes up close to me, and turning me about, said, _Indeed you take
too much pains, you are too laborious; fair and softly; there is a great
while to night yet: desist a little, I must have a word with you_.
Hearing this, I presumed to look in her face, and was overjoyed; for
from thence I received a most alluring smile, instead of a killing
frown. This re-armed me with confidence, compelling from me these

    _Most respectful Mistress, I do with shame confess my self in a
    great error: but if you will consider that the cause thereof was
    irresistable; I hope you will in some measure mitigate my crime.
    My very youthfulness speaks my Apology. You cannot be ignorant
    of the fervent heat of young blood, which sometimes boyls beyond
    its bounds. Besides the temperature of my body, (being of a
    Sanguine complexion) did add much fuel to that fire._

She admired to hear me speak in such a Dialect; but laying aside her
wonder, she bid me tell her the whole truth, and what Contract we had
concluded. I equivocated in my relation, intending to excuse the maids
forwardness, and that I only designed to surprize her unawares. This
Sophistry of mine did not in the least prevent my Mistresses prying wit,
and quick understanding, from searching out the truth, tracing every
meander, finding it out at last, though involved in a labyrinth of
obscurities. She told me plainly she knew all, though I endeavoured to
conceal it, and _desired_ me, in stead of commands, to withdraw my
affectionate thoughts from her, since her resolution was to divorce our
persons. Adding moreover, that if I was so amorously inclined, as not
content without a Female Object to exercise my passion on, I should
elect such a one, whose merit grounded on Beauty, Birth, Wealth, and
Power, should command my love, and finally eternize my terrestrial
happiness, and so vanisht from me, leaving my cogitations to their

Forty five years had not totally destroyed her beauty, but there was
still remaining the ruines of a good face: Her Birth, though from a high
extraction, had little influence over me, had not her Wealth (which she
had at her own disposal) whispered in my ear more than a common
felicity. Her last words left a deep impression on my imagination, which
were not so enigmatically delivered, but that I could easily interpret
them advantageously enough to my purpose. I resolved within my self to
acquiesce, leaving this affair to time to bring it to perfection.


                               CHAP. XI.

    _What devices he found out to Cheat his Master; and what
        ways he had to spend it lavishly, at unseasonable hours,
        on Wine, Wenches, _&c.__

The time being come again, for the meeting my snipping Brethren, I went
prepared with what I could conveniently carry with me. Seeing me come
well fraught, my merchants presently clapt me aboard, resolving not to
let my commodities lie long on my hands, our truck was soon agreed on to
our mutual contents. Then like true Sons of _Bacchus_, we trouled the
full boles about, wishing him that pledged not his fellow, in a dark
rainy night on a tyred Jade bare ridged in a dirty lane, with a pocky
Whore behind him, and his own bones rotten, nine Miles from an house,
not knowing one step of his way, nor having one penny in his pocket.
This, or the like dreadful execration, made us tumble off whole Boles
like so many thimbles full. Half a dozen of these a piece, were a
_preludium_ to our Supper, which usually was composed of the choicest
viands. Neither could we eat, without our female Consorts, whom Wine and
Musick waited on. After Supper, we fell again to our old _Bacchanalian_
sport, drinking, Dancing, or privately treating our Mistresses at a
venereal Banquet. When we had drank our selves to ebriety, and satiated
our lustful appetites, we betook our selves to our respective
habitations, our Masters not dreaming of our night-Revellings. Our own
expences were neither valuable nor comparable to what our Mad-Dames put
us to, which were so great (though they made me rack my invention to
supply their pretended necessities) that all my various endeavours could
not answer their expeditions. I had taken my Gentlewoman a chamber, for
which I paid three shillings a week, and upon the bare promise of a
Whore, that she would prove constant to me, I allowed her a weekly
pension besides; I never came to receive a private favour, but I must
return her for it, some special and particular courtesie; as a Scarf, an
Hood, a Ring, a Whisk, or rich Lace for her Smock. If I failed at any
time of paying my promised Tribute I should be severely checked, nay,
sometimes threatned that I had undone her; at the least denyed my
accustomed Familiarity; then she would pretend that she had refused many
eminent Matches mearly for my sake, that now she saw her self meerly
deluded, and would endure it no longer; and would tell my Master our
whole proceedings. If I had performed the main, and not presented her
when I came with some other gratuity, as a work of Supererogation, she
would deride my Courtship, telling me, _I was an empty fellow, that I
bestowed my favours on others and that made me so sparing to her_. And
that she scorned to be a copartner in my heart. When she thought she had
sufficiently nettled me, (fearing to strain my passion too high) then a
little comply, clapping me on the cheeks, calling me Smock-face Rogue;
come hither Sirrah, I know what you would have, I’le save your longing.
Such sweetned words soon over powered my sourness: and notwithstanding
my intended hardness, I could not forbear melting in her arms. We durst
not take much time in dalliance, my duty calling me home; but I regarded
not that so much as to preserve my Masters good opinion of me. Now since
opportunity offereth it self so appositly, give me leave to lay open
this subtle Female, on whom a strong ascendancy of _Mercury_ and
_Venus_, had bestowed so liberal a Talent for Whoring, and Cheating,
that few escaped her circumvention that came into her company. The
Relation I shall give of this miracle of Female subtilty, will be much
advantagious to all sorts of persons. By this those that are viciously
inclined may be advised into a Reformation before they have occasion for
Repentance: And they who defying all Admonishment, and are resolved to
be wicked in spite, may out of an apprehension of the ensuing danger and
punishment, be deterred into caution, _&c._


                       SHORT SURVEY OF A CUNNING

When first I made my self acquainted with her, I thought my happiness
not inferiour to the Grand Seignors, for although he had in his Seraglio
the injoyment of an hundred or more of the most select beauties of the
Universe, yet did I fancy all those external glories contracted into
one, and possessed my matchless Mistress. As she was fair, so well
featured, sprightly and young, four dangerous advantages, when they are
accompanied with Wit, Dissimulation, Craft and Impudence, with a
covetous desire of injoying of what others possest. She could not be
ignorant of her trade, since her Mother was a profest Bawd from the time
she brought her into the world. Taking notice of her extraordinary
handsomness even from the Cradle, she resolved to dedicate her to the
service of _Venus_, not doubting but the bent of her nature would render
her very capable of that employ. Being about thirteen years of age, her
beauty was so much taken notice of, that her lovers swarmed about her.
The old Bawd her Mother was so overjoyed to see so large and goodly a
Troop of _Cupids_ Lanciers, her daughters life-guard, and doubted not
now but that she should obtain the plenary fruition of her hopes, and
therefore entertained them all, yet watching them so narrowly, that none
should taste her fruit unless they bought the tree at a dear rate. She
so well observed her daughters natural policy that she was well assured
her insinuations would in a little time command both the hearts and
purses of those who courted her. Her design proved as fortunate as she
could wish, in as much as among the many that languished for her, there
was one so wealthy as that he never knew the want of a thousand pound,
whose heart was inflamed by her eyes.

She had now assumed the title of Madam, which one should think belonged
to none but who are nobly extracted, however, why should she baulk it,
since it is an honour costs little or nothing, and as soon conferred as
spoken. This Gentleman was so insnared by the witchcrafts of a lovely
face, that though he knew the profession and practice of the Mother, and
the daughters want of honour, honesty and wealth, yet he resolved upon a
marriage within few days without the tediousness of Treaties. When there
was a firm contract concluded between them before witnesses, the
charitable Bawd his intended Mother in law, came to him, and told him if
his stomack was raw and could not stay so long till the meat was served
up with the usual ceremonies; he should have a bit for a stay, and taste
beforehand, the proposition was not unwellcome to him, wherefore he
instantly took earnest of the happiness he vainly believed would bear
him company _durante vita_. Not long after they had their nuptials
celebrated, and that he might not disparage himself in the worlds eye,
as to his inconsiderable choice; he bought his wife at his proper
charge, new cloaths, splendid enough you may guess, with the appendixes
of gallantry, rings, jewels, &c. and so brought her home to his house in
much state. She had not long lived with him, but she followed the
dictates of a luxurious disposition, and a libertine, hating to have her
liberty circumscribed or bounded, especially by one so remote to her
nature and unsuitable in years, wherefore under pretence of visiting
this friend and that couzen, she so blinded her old Husband by this
plausible excuse as that she made her frequent sallies abroad pimp for
her desires. Her Husband observing her often gaddings and profuse
expences, could do no less then suspect more then he was willing to
understand, and therefore not only abridged the liberty she took, but
devested her of those ornaments he had bestowed upon her, which so
animated her to revenge, that she resolved not to let slip the first
opportunity. She soon got acquainted with one suitable to her purpose, a
person as much ingaged in debauchery, as his credit was in the world,
yet so pleasant he appeared in her eyes, as that a little courting made
her wholly at his devotion. Hence we may observe the dangerous
consequences of disproportion of age in matching. Surely there can be no
agreement between fire and water, between freezing Winter, and Scorching
Summer. Besides when a Woman comes once to have mean _thoughts_ of her
Husband (upon any _account_ whatever) She is then in the way to affect
any body else. She now not only slighted, but hated him, which made her
launch out into all the excesses that exasperated, and vicious
Woman-kind can imagine or contrive, from whence she may either derive
satisfaction or advantage, neither could she want assistance or councel,
as long as the old experienced Bawd her mother lived.

This good old Dotard finding himself so abused, that the whole world
must needs call his reason in question; if he suffered any longer his
loose wife to Career thus in Luxury and Wantonness, resolved within
himself to call her to a severe accompt, intending withal to reduce her
by kindness, as well as sharpness, and so equally to temper his frowns
with smiles, that she should not tell which of those two ingredients
were most powerful in the effecting the cure of his lust sick-wanton.

Returning one evening from her revels abroad, the old Cuckold took her
to task; sharply reproving her for her Gaddings, her Tavern meetings,
with debauched and licentious persons; her lavish expence in paying the
Recknings where ever she came, but especially her supplying the
necessities of lusty younger Brothers, which resupplyed hers. The old
man had so spent his spirits and breath, in schooling his Lecherous
Truant, that he was forced to conclude his wormwood Lecture in an
excessive cough; the inseperable Companion of him and Age. My bucksome
Madam fearing he was streining for more of that unpleasing stuff, which
had so lately offended her ears, left him half strangled with a Tysick.

In this Interval, a female Neighbour of his came in, a Gentlewoman of
that worth; that Virtue and Gentility contended in her for priority:
_How is it I pray Sir_ (said she) _I am much troubled to see you in this
condition?_ You lie, you lie, you Whore (said he) his ears being so furd
by Time, that he could not distinguish this Gentlewomans voice from his
Wifes, neither could he see, his violent coughing having forced down
such a torrent of moisture into his eyes; that his sight was totally
drowned: Continuing his railing; _See me in this condition?_ I believe
you would be glad to see me out of it, you Strumpet, Lump of Lechery,
Cheat, she Devil, what shall I call thee; there is no name too bad: And
then cought again so violently, that it was in vain to speak to him; but
when this violent fit abated, she resolved to say something, though her
amazment to hear what she neither deserved, nor expected, would hardly
give her permission. At last she spake to him, and reasoned with him,
why he should thus stain her honour which was hitherto spotless,
undefiled; that her actions had ever been so far from rendring her, what
he unworthily represented, that they made her famous, and lookt on as a
good example for her Neighbours to follow and immitate. I, I; infamous
you mean (said he) and let me alone to make you such an example, that
you shall have followers enough to see you Carted, you Bitch whore. Why,
who am I said the Gentlewoman, that you thus abuse me? _Am I_, (said he)
you are Touch-wood, Tinder, Salt peter, Gunpowder, Wildfire, nay, worse
then all this, my Wife.

By this the Gentlewoman verily concluded him to be mad, and fearing
least his frenzie might be converted into fury, was thinking to slip
from him just as his cough left him, and his eyes again restored to him,
with the insight of his mistake; which made him much condemn his
fallacious age, that had put this trick on him.

Apologies (as many as this old mans sterile invention could frame) were
not wanting to excuse this absurdity and errour: Neither was his Wife
without the height of mirth behind the Hangings, to hear how much her
doting fool was mistaken; who had not patience any longer to discourse
his Visitant, but abruptly left her in quest of his abused Wife as he
now supposed, imagining from this grand mistake, that what ever before
he had either seen or heard of his wife, was nothing but the genuine
product of his own idle and jealous brain. After he had made a strict
enquiry through the whole house for his wife, he at length found her out
cloistered in a Garret, into which she had conveyed her self coming
softly behind the Hangings, wherein she had hid herself; and the better
to colour her intended Villany, hearing her Husband ascend the Stairs,
she put her self into a praying posture.

The old man seeing her on her knees, had like to have broke his neck for
hast, not minding so much the disturbance he would give her (pretended)
devotion, as the satisfaction he injoyed to see his mistake confirmed.
Being out of breath, his discourse was abrupt and broken, neither did he
know which was most expedient, either first to question her, or crave
her pardon: at length he threw himself at her feet (for indeed he could
hardly stand upon his feeble Legs;) and hanging down his Head (I knew
not whether he cried) a salt Rhume gushed through the port holes of his
Head, which looked like scalding Teares; and so they might be, for by
their burning heat, any might conclude the loss of the hair of his
Eyelids, and that thereby the shriveled skin of his Countenance was
parcht. It was a long time ere he could speak, and no wonder, since this
was the second time of his Infancy; but at length with much ado, with a
look as pittiful as his Rhetorick, he asked forgivness. She seemed
strangly surprized and not only wondred at, but taxt him for the
Irrationality of his Petition. The pretence of her ignorance in what had
past, made him the more eager to discover his ridiculous folly. In
short, he gave her to understand, that since he was mistaken in a thing
so palpable, he might very well question whither all former reports, and
his own evil opinion of her, might not be posited on the same basis of
falshood. That for the time to come, he would never admit of jealousie
within his breast, and to give a full confirmation to what he protested;
he instantly delivered her his Keys, committing to her trust what he had
of greatest value. This cunning Quean would not accept this kind
proffer, but with much pressing, and then sealing his pardon with a
kiss, an everlasting affection was seemingly agreed upon. For two or
three months after she behaved her self so well, that had her Husband
had _Argus_ his hundred eyes, he could not perceive any thing that might
blemish her Reputation, or trouble his head.

Her Cue being come to enter and act her part on the Stage of deceit, she
appeared and managed her business to the purpose. For having given her
Mother a Catalogue of those rich things she had in her possession; she
never left her daughter till they had conveyed all away which might be
carried in the day time without any notice taken; and at an appointed
night getting the Servants to bed and delivering the Key of the
street-door to the old Bawd her Mother, she played the part of a Woman
in general, by lulling her Husband in bed by dissimulation and flattery,
into a fond opinion of her cordiality to him, whilst her agents then
were leaving him as naked of goods, as he was at that time of Apparel.
In the morning she arose by times, before the old man was stiring, and
went instantly to her mother who had provided her lodgings. Then did she
change her name to hinder detection; and that she might add to her
security, she never went abroad but with her Vizard Mask, and in as many
varietys of Suits as there are months in the year, which though but
thirteen, yet did she make them ring as many changes as _BOW BELLS_.

Not long after she had played this exploit, it was my unhappiness to be
acquainted with her, by coming accidentally to our Shop, where buying
some wares, it was so ordered that I must bring them to her Chamber.
According to the time appointed I waited on her, but found myself
extremely mistaken in my Chapwoman. For instead of paying me for my
commodity, she would have truckt with me Ware for Ware; which I would no
ways assent to; finding me no fit person for her purpose, she dismist me
by discharging the debt. This passage did so run in my mind, that I
could not be at quiet till I had purposed a time to visit her, and
indeed I was forceably prickt on thereunto by those matchless features I
saw in her incomparable face. My Master riding out of Town I found a
very fit opportunity to make my address to her, which I thought would be
the more welcome by bringing a present with me.

Her memorie was so good that she knew me again and shrewdly guessed at
my Errant, and indeed I was not long in the discovery thereof: There
were but two words to a bargain, and so struck up the business: So much
delight I took in her at that time, and she in me, that we
interchangably promised each others constancy of affection.

Mine and my females extravagancies, made me invent as many ways to
cheat, as we had ways to spend what was this way gotten. If I had heard
any friend say, they must buy a Gown, I had my Mercer ready for that
purpose: If a Suit and Cloak, my Draper, and the like; sometimes telling
my friend, That I was acquainted with one that would sell me a far
cheaper pennyworth than any one else: other times, that such an one owed
me some moneys, and that this way I could both pleasure my friend, and
hedge in mine own debt. Though I drove a great trade this way, receiving
still ready cash, yet this would not do alone. As an assistance, I
guelded the money-box every day, receiving my part first, before my
Matter should take his, which usually he did every night, putting it
into his Till. I could not sleep for thinking how I might be intimately
acquainted with the inwards of this same Till. Several projects I made
tryal of, but none suited my purpose so well, as a Barbers pair of
Curling irons. I got a File from a Smith, and to work I went with my
Curling irons, filing them to slip in easily, and to turn round. The
first Essay I made thereof, had like to have put me into an Extasie for
joy. I laid them upon their edge, opened them wide, I pinched the money
below; holding fast, I turned them on their side, and so drew up the
money to the mouth of the Scotch: now because there was many times so
much, that it would not come through, with a knife I would slide away
piece after piece, till I had fitted the money to the narrowness of the
passage. I seldom brought up at a time less than three shillings, a good
draught, not ceasing till I had gotten twenty or thirty shillings at a
time, or more, according to the quantity of the stock. Finding my Engine
act according to my desires, I could not be content without
congratulating my success. My Master was seldom at home, wherefore I
askt my Mistress to go out for an hour, promising her not to stay beyond
my limited time: She consented and I overjoyed, pickt up a Rambler or
two, and away we went to honest _Ralph_. Being glad to see us, he
planted us in a convenient room fit for his purpose. There was never a
Pint he scored at the Bar, but he had a Quart-Bottle in his Breeches for
it. They all wondred to see me so frollick, but I thought it wisdom to
conceal the depth of my practice from them.

After we had drank very smartly, I came home, transgressing but a little
beyond my time. My Mistress was very well pleased, telling me, _I should
have leave another time, since I was so punctual_. Those Bottles of Sack
we drank, ran perpetually in my minde, for it was the very flower of
Wine. In the commemoration of my Friends courtesie, and the goodness of
that Liquor, I gave my contemplative fancy leave to characterize a
Bottle of Canary, thus.


                            THE CHARACTER OF
                         A Bottle of _Canary_.

He is Gentleman I assure you well extracted, which once lived like a
Salamander in the midst of the flames; and had he not been burnt, he
have never proved sound. He seems a Prodigy: For that which we live by,
decays him; hating Air, as _Bacchus_ hates small Beer. He will lie still
if you smother him, and is never so well, as when his breath is stopt.
Bury him, and you make him quicker. As for his habit, it is ever plain,
yet neat: Though Nobly born, he scorns not to wear a green Coat, with a
badge on it; and you cannot injure him worse than to pick a hole in his
Coat. Though he wears for the most part one sort of Garb, yet he is
never out of fashion, acceptable to the best of company, not regarding
his outward dress, but valuing his inward worth: However, his Suit is
made of admirable Stuff, for his outside never grows barer, and his
Linings are the fresher for wearing. So choice he is in his Cloathing,
that he rather chuseth to have his brains knockt out, than to have a
rent in his Garment. He wears an _a la mode_ Hat, as light (and almost
as little) as a Shittle-cock, which he puts off to none; but like the
Quaker when brought before a Magistrate, hath it taken off for him.

As for his Pedegree, I now not how to derive it; for he hath had in him
the best and purest of the _French_ blood, but will now acknowledge his
Race onely from the _Spaniard_, whom he imitates, being stately, and
standing always upright; treads for the most part on Carpets, and never
stirs abroad but when he is carried, yet full of activity. If he runs
fast and long, the more wind he gets. If he chance to fall, which is
seldom, for many look to him, he will be extreamly moved, yet (contrary
to all men) the fuller his belly is, the less hurt he receives: his
credit is large, never paying for what he wears, running on the score
perpetually; his conditions are a riddle, there is in him pure vertue,
and notorious vice; the quintessence of love, and the venome of hatred.
He is the beginning and the end of a thousand quarrels in a year, yet a
very Coward; for he suffers any to take him by the ear, and never broke
any ones pate, but when company was by. He is very facetious in society,
and will spend himself freely to the last drop, if a Ladies soft and
warm hand will raise him. He is a brisk Spark, and therefore Courtiers
adore him; he is smooth in his expression, and therefore Ladies delight
in him; he is filled with nimble fancies, therefore the Wits frequent
him, exhausting his radical moisture, to distil it into Poetical
Raptures; for conceits never run faster from the Limbick of their
brains, than when this Gentleman adds fuel to the Furnace. He whets wit,
yet dulls it; creates new Fancies, and stupifies. Gives the Orator a
fluent tongue, and makes him speechless. Gives a Poet feet till he
cannot go. And as he helps Ministers to preach, so he likewise silenceth
more than the Spanish Inquisition. He hath a great many tricks in him:
He will make a Faulkner fly high within doors; Make a Huntsman catch a
Fox by the fire-side; Whatever he holds, is made good; and unless you
mind him well, much good matter that falls from him, may be lost: for he
is often fluent beyond measure. All Tongues court him; and those that
look narrowly unto him, shall find him no dry Fellow. The truth is, he
is too profound for shallow brains to meddle with him: He will pour out
quaint expressions and hard words so thick, that the best Scholars are
glad at last to give him something to stop his mouth: Yet hold him up
fairly, and you may get all he hath out of him. He is excessively
beloved, and relishes all Company, being pleasant, and full of admirable
humours. He is inwardly acquainted with the Lord Mayor and Aldermen, and
incorporateth with their Wives daily. His Kisses are so sweet, that they
lick their lips after him; and though his breath be strong, yet it is
not offensive. He is a true _Good-fellow_, drinking till he hath no eyes
to see with: Good Liquor is his Life and Soul, and he is never musty but
for want of it. He will drink till he be filled up to the very throat,
and gape whilst others put it in. He will bear as much Sack as any man
in _England_ of his bulk; yet he will be soon drunk in Company. But if
you will give him leave to vomit, he will take his Liquor and drink
fresh, till all the Company be forced to leave him. Drinking is his
hourly exercise, seldom lying out of a Tavern. He is the main Upholder
of Club-meetings, without fear of being broke. He picks mens pockets,
yet is never made more reckoning of than by such persons. As for his
Estate, I can onely say this, That all he hath he carries about him; yet
generally he is reputed rich: What he hath, he holds upon courtesie; but
what he gives others, is held _in Capite_. What he possesseth, is
commonly upon Sale; yet more for plenty, than for want; and if you can
purchase him you purchase all.

                  *       *       *       *       *

I could never endure Idleness, I was ever in action; either writing, or
contriving, or putting in execution my contrivances; I thought it better
_male agere quam nihil agere_: my brains or hands were continually
working, and very seldom but effectually. My pen was generally so happy
in discoveries, that my wit was much applauded by the most censorious:
much respected I was, & my company much importuned by the
Tankerd-bearers of _Helicon_, by which means I so swelled with pride,
that I thought my self little inferior to _Apollo_. I called _Mercury_
Pimp, the nine Sisters Whores, whom I had frequently layn with, and
might when I pleased: the best title I could bestow on _Pegasus_ was
Hackny-Jade. In the height of this my opinionativeness, my Cooler (our
Masters maid) came to me where I was alone; and after many heart-fetcht
sighs, told me she found her self with child; which news had like to
have deprived me of my understanding: but knowing that Vexation never
remedies but rather adds to trouble, I was resolved to bear it
patiently, and study some means to preserve her and my Credit. I framed
a Letter as from her Father, desiring her to come down into the Country
speedily, if she intended to see him alive; and according as we had laid
the Plot, she shews it her Mistress, desiring her leave to shew her duty
to her dying Father. Our Mistress most willingly consented thereunto, as
knowing that there was more than ordinary love between us; the maid had
staid as long as possibly she might without discovery, Lacing her self
very streight, and keeping down her belly with three Busks: but now she
made haste to rub off: I had provided a Midwife that should be her Bawd
too: but this could not be done without extraordinary cost. After her
Delivery, I found the keeping of her and the Child very expensive: then
did I begin to consider what a vast charge, and how many various
troubles this momentary lecherous pleasure draws upon a man: how
furiously he is upon the onset, and how quickly satisfied, loathing that
Object he a little before longed for. Well, I bethought my self how to
be rid both of Cow and Calf. I told her I would get together what moneys
I could, and so marry her, upon condition she would be willing to travel
with me whither I went, which I knew was her onely desire: I informed
her of my intention to go for _Virginia_; and the reasons that induced
me thereunto.

First, her disgrace would not be known there: Next, my Master could have
no power over me, insisting further on the pleasantness of that
Continent, and the plenty of every thing, &c.

She assented to all I propounded, relying her self solely on me, to
dispose of her as I pleased. To palliate my design, I went with her to
_Gravesend_, pretending as if I was then going with her beyond Sea, for
no other end but to clear my self from her there, knowing that after she
had past examination or search of the Block-house, she would meet with
no more. Being aboard, I suddenly seemed to have forgot something
ashore; having well laid my Plot upon the Basis of a good Sum of money I
had distributed among the Sea-men, with a considerable present to the
Master, and telling my _Landabris_ I would return to her instantly, I
got into the Boat; and immediately after the Ship weighed Anchor, and
quickly was under Sail. I confess, notwithstanding the Devil had at that
time the total possession of me; yet I was much troubled at what I had
done so hard-heartedly and cruelly. A flood of tears had so overwhelmed
my sight, that I could not discern the Ship in which she was: so
sensible I was of the wickedness of this Fact, that _Dido_-like, I could
have thrown my self into the Sea after her, had not a good Woman, whose
Husband was in the same Ship, prevented me. Observing my tears, _’Tis
probable, Young Man_, (said she) _you have lately taken your leave of
some dearly beloved Friend; and I guess, by your earnest looking after
yond Ship under sail, the person was in her_. I told her it was truth.
_My Husband is in the same Vessel_, (said she) _and therefore I have as
much cause to grieve as you. Come, be of good comfort, Man, Friends must
part; and it is better to part here than at the Gallows. Go along with
me, and we will wash down sorrow; and with a Glass of neat Canary,
antidote our hearts against any thing that may disturb them._

With that I lookt intentively in her face, and found it correspondent
with a jolly temper. An Eye black and piercing; and Eye-brows black
also, and each as big as a mans thumb comparatively: a sign that never
fails to denote that Woman capable of giving a man the greatest
delectation. She was every way compleatly handsome, and suitable to the
desires of the most curious Critick in Love-affairs. I thought it a
shame to deny so kind a proffer, and a crime in Youth unpardonable not
to embrace that opportunity, that shall lead him by the hand into
_Venus_ her Bed-chamber. With that I addrest my self to her, (and
afterwards undrest together) declaring that the force of her Rhetorick,
assisted by her external beautiful, and altogether lovely form, had
forced me to forget my onely dearly beloved she-friend, and to become
her Proselyte, her absolutely devoted convert, and would prostrate my
will to be guided by hers and her command. With that we concluded to
solace ourselves at the next Tavern: I applied my self to my old way of
insinuation: which soon melted her, so that I saw I might when I pleased
stamp loves impression on her. Returning to _Gravesend_, we soon lodged
our selves conveniently for our intended purpose: having so done, I so
ordered the matter, that there was not anything wanting that might
please our sences. Yet fearing lest her love should cool again, there
was no Art forgotten that might serve to entertain it. Delays in
love-affairs are dangerous: Women love not to be too long Tantalized;
there is a certain critical time to know their inclination; which if you
punctually observe, you shall assuredly reap the fruits of your desires;
if not, you may perpetually wait, but never enjoy the like opportunity.
Wherefore the Iron glowing hot, I thought good to strike: to enliven my
spirits, she sent for a noise of Musick, ordering them to play in the
next Room. And in the end we began to think of some repose, agreeing
before to lie in two Chambers contiguous to each other; which were
accordingly provided. As soon as I thought all the Houshold were in bed,
I repaired to my Mistress, who eagerly expected my coming; approaching
the bed-side, she clasped me in her arms: As soon as day broke, I arose,
bespeaking a fat Capon swaddled with Sassages, and a Quart of Buttered
Sack. I got all ready by the time of her rising: she was extraordinarily
well pleased in my double dilligence of serving her: having applauded my
industry and care of her, we fell to it, interlining every bit with a
Glass of Canary. She told me she would never part whilst she had a penny
left, having about her some Thirty Pieces of Gold. _Well_ (said I) _my
Dear, since it is thy resolution, a match; but let me be Steward_: Which
she agreed unto, delivering into my hands what Gold she had. For two or
three hours I shewed my self very officious in my place; but considering
that when this money was spent, we should not know what to do, I thought
it was better for one to want than two; besides, I had lately surfeited
on a Medler, and therefore my stomack nauseated the very thoughts
thereof. I had feed the Drawer to bring me word just as the _Gravesend_
Barge was going off; which accordingly he did, by a private sign
concluded betwixt us. I then pretended an excuse to go down, under the
notion of providing something novel, which should be conducive to our
mirth and jollity. I had just so much time below to write her these
lines in stead of a solemn leave taking, leaving them with the Drawer to
present her, and so went aboard the Barge for _London_.

               _Madam, I’m gone, no wonder, for you know,
               Lovers encounters are but touch and go._

Arriving at _Billings-gate_, I went straight to a Tavern, where I had an
interest with the Drawer, resolving there to consult seriously with my
self what course to follow, being as yet unresolved what to do. After I
had raised my dulled spirits with a glass or two, I concluded to hazard
my Masters good opinion, nay, and my Mistresses affection too; which
though at that present it only smoaked, I might easily divine, that in
process of time it would burst forth into a flame. Being before confined
to my Masters time, I began to consider what an excellent thing Liberty
was, equally estimable with Health; which two, though they are the
greatest and most precious gifts (next our Redemption) the Creator of
the World hath bestowed on mankind; yet we poor mortals value them not
till we are sensible of their want, by being deprived of them. This is
an infallible maxime, _That the deprivation of a thing shall be so much
the more evil, as the possession thereof is good_. Now if Liberty be
such an excellent & delectable thing when enjoyed, how miserable are
those that want it?

Having moneys in my Pocket, I concluded to experiment the enjoyment
thereof, and to participate of such delights the nature of young men is
most inclinable to. Now man being a sociable Creature, I thought I
should reap but little satisfaction to my self in the expence of my
moneys, without an Associate: Wherefore I sent to an Apprentice of my
intimate acquaintance contemporary with me, and who had often prompted
me to ramble with him. This Lad was his Masters Casheer, which I knew
would much assist my design. I made him acquainted with my intention of
trying the world: Though it had been formerly his own motion, yet he
seemed at the first something startled; but all his doubts I resolved;
adding moreover, That to have our wills inslaved to other mens, was a
thing insupportable, since that we were, as well as they, created free
Denizens of this world. That since our great Grand-Father was Emperor of
the whole world, we could not stile our selves less than Princes, and
therefore debased our Birth by a voluntary submission to Service and
Slavery. I had no great occasion to make use of many Arguments to this
purpose; for his own inclination was sufficient to perswade him. The
result of our discourse was a firm resolution to become two
Knights-errant. I advised him forthwith to go home and bring with him
what Cash he had in his possession; which he readily performed, and
indeed more then I could expect, being 200_l._ the Fates having so
decreed to favour this our first bold exploit, as a tryal of what we
durst attempt.

                               CHAP. XII.

    _How he frequented Bawdy-houses; what exploits he committed
        in them; the Character of a Bawd, a Whore, a Pimp, and a
        Trapan; their manner of living; with a Detection of
        their wicked lives and Conversations._

Being full fraught with money, we undertook our Progress, promising to
our selves all delight imaginable, but not considering what the effect
would be. We frequented all places of pleasure, but among the chief we
ranked _Brothel-houses_, which were our Repositories. We seldom were
seen in the Streets by day, for fear of discovery; confining our selves
close Prisoners to some _Bubbing-house_; at night (like such as closely
delighted in deeds of darkness) we would sometimes flutter abroad. Our
pastime was to hire Coaches to any pretended place, and when we came
near it, to make our escape. One time leaping out of the Boot, my Cloak
chanced to tangle in the spokes of the Wheel: the Coachman not
perceiving we were got out, drove on; by the wheels continually turning,
my Garment was so ingaged, that I verily believed my sins had now
conferred upon me the just punishment of being executed on the wheel,
which I could hardly have avoided, had I not speedily unbuttoned my
Cloak: I was loath to bid the Coachman stop, thinking I should have it
at last; I ran Lacquy-like a long way, but all my endeavours to shift
it, proved ineffectual; so that at length I was forced to cry out, _Hold
Coachman_. The Coachman coming out of his Box, soon perceived the
fallacy, and straightways demanded his money for his hire, before he
would untangle my Cloak, which I was compelled to give him. Delivering
me my Cloak, he told me, _I had paid him, but he had not paid me for my
attendance on him_: And said moreover, _That my Cloak would not look
like a Livery, unless it were laced; and with that, with his whip,
lashed me well-favouredly_. Another sort of Pastime we used, was to kick
the old Watchmens Lanthorns about the street; and it may be sometimes
confer a blow or two on their sleepy noddles, and then flie for it, but
we had worse success with this than the former. We practised this
foolery so often, till at length we were met with, and rightly served.
It was thus: In _Paternoster-row_, we found a fellow at noddie upon a
stall, with his Lanthorn and Candle by him; having first seized on that,
and thrown it into the Kennel, we prosecuted our abuse by falling upon
him, and beating him. As soon as we had done this manful act, we betook
our selves to flight; but here we mistook our mark, thinking him to be
an old decrepid Watchman, and one that had little use of his eyes,
without those in his Pocket; whereas to our cost, we found him as nimble
and as light footed as a Stag, who overtaking us, surprized us; and as
he was carrying us before the Constable, we met with the grand Round,
who, without much examination, committed us as Rats to the Counter. The
chiefest thing that troubled us, was the apprehension of our Masters
knowing where we were. But we resolved to drown that care: we had not
been there long, before other Rats, Male and Female, were brought in to
bear us company. Some of the men were all bloody, and their Mobs Scarfs
and Hoods all rent, and none of them sober: Damming and Sinking were the
constant flourishes of their discourse; calling for drink was the
Argument they held, and roaring in distracted notes was their Harmony.
Though I was my self comparatively wicked, yet I blessed my God I had
not arrived to that height these superlative Villains had attained to.
Being in their company, I thought myself in the Suburbs, or on the
confines of Hell. Sin, if it be dressed up in specious pretences, may be
entertained as a Companion; but when it appears in its own shape, it
cannot but strike horror into the Soul of any, though desperate, if not
stupified. Wherefore me thought I was so far from associating my self
with them, that I protest, the leudness of their Actions were so
represented to me with such deformity, that I knew not which I loathed
most, them or the Prison. I cannot make appear to the world what they
were, nor my resentments, unless I should stuff a page or two with all
manner of horrid Oaths, Execrations, Blasphemies and such like
soul-infecting & destroying Plague-sores; wherefore I shall onely take
leave to anatomize the Place that deteined us from our freedom. Then
look upon a Prison as in it self, and it may be fitly termed a temporary
Hell. For as the other is a receptacle for damned Souls, the Gates
thereof standing always wide open; so this refuseth the reception of
none, though never so wicked a miscreant. Though my durance in this
place was but short, yet I could not but take some observations,
imploying from thence the faculties of my Soul to draw up the definition
of a Prison. Hell is a very proper denomination for it, since it is a
place composed of nothing but disorder and confusion; a Land of
darkness, inhabited by calamity, horror, misery, and confusion; a
bottomless Pit of fraud, violence and stench. A Prison is the Banishment
of Courtesie, the Centre of Infamy and Disparagement, the Destruction of
good Wits, the Treasure of Despair, the Fining-Pot of Friendship, a Den
of Deceivers, a Forest of Ravenous Beasts. Here you may see one Weeping,
another singing; one Sleeping, another Swearing; every one variously
imployed; one Eating in a corner, and another Pissing just by him;
another Lowsing himself between both; it may be heretofore a military
man, and therefore loath to forget his Art, but rather exercising it in
the killing of his bodily Enemies, bearing the blood on his nail, as the
Trophies of his Victory.

It is, to speak most properly, a living Tomb or grave to bury men alive
in, wherein a man for half a years experience may learn more Law, then
he can in three Terms for an hundred pound.

It is a little Wood of woe, a Map of misery, a place that will learn a
young man more villany, if he be apt to take it, in six months, than at
twenty Gaming Ordinaries, Bowling-Allies, or Bawdy-houses; and an old
man more policy, than if he had been Pupil to _Machiavel_.

This Place hath more diseases predominant in it than the Pest-house in a
Plague-time; and stinks worse than my Lord Mayors Dog-house.

It is a little Common-wealth, although little wealth common there; it is
a desart, where desert lies hood-winkt.

The Place is as intricate as _Rosamond’s_ Labyrinth, and is so full of
Meanders and Crooked turnings, that it is impossible to find the way
out, except he be directed by a Silver Clue; and can never overcome the
Minotaur, without a Golden-ball to work his own safety. The next day,
paying our Fees, and receiving some checks, with good admonitions from
the Justice, we were discharged. This misfortune made us not a jot more
cautious, but as soon as we were at liberty, we went upon the sent to
mother _Cr._ formerly famous for the Good Citizens Wives that frequented
her house; who still rides Admiral of all the rest of her function about
the Town. I hope the next time I go to visit her, she will not get me
clapt for the pains I take in praising her. The truth of it is, of all
the Bawds I know, she merits most, having an house fit for the
accommodation of the best. As for her walking Utensils, they are
composed of refined mettal, always neatly kept; which, because they are
not used upon all slight occasions, they appear the more delectable to
the eye. Assoon as we had entered the door, I could hear a ruffling of
Silks in sundry places; I conceive it was their policy, by seeming
modesty to set a sharper edge on our appetites. We were conducted into a
large handsome Room; bottles of Wine were brought up, both Spanish and
French, with salt meats to relish the Palate, though we gave no order
for them; but it seems it was the Custom of the house, a chargeable one:
but without a Piece spending, you shall know little of their practices.
At length, up came the old Matron; after the performance of our Devoir,
she seats her self by me, and began to be impudently acquainted,
chucking me under the chin, calling me her _Son Smock-face_. Having well
warmed our selves with Wine, and the good Gentlewoman perceiving that
our bloods began to heat, _Well_, said she, _I guess at the intent of
your coming hither, neither shall you go away unsatisfied. Nature will
have its course; and if in Youth it be stopt, it will but, Torrent-like,
flow with the greater impetuosity. Come, I see by your countenances that
ye were born sons of mirth and pleasure; shew then what stock ye came
of. If you want Subjects to exercise your parts on, we’ll have more
Wine; and when ye are inflamed, ye shall have the benefit of a Cooler._
With that she leaves us; but another of the same Sex, though three
degrees different in age, supplied her place. At first view I seemed
very well pleased: handsome she was, and very proportionable; but withal
so impudent, that I was antidoted against lechery. _Ista fœmina quæ
limites verecundiæ semel excesserit, oportet illam esse graviter
impudentem._ If once a woman pass the bounds of Shamefac’dness, she will
seldome stop till she hath arrived to the heighth of Impudence. I must
needs deal ingeniously, at the beginning the Needle of my Microcosm was
toucht by Loves Loadstone. But upon further acquaintance, if I might
have had a hundred pounds, I could not have meddled with her.

Though she had baited her desires with a million of prostitute
countenances and enticements, yet I lookt upon her rather a Companion
for an Hospital, and stood more in need of a Chyrurgions acquaintance
than mine. My Friend had nibbled at the bait; but when I heard them
capitulating about the price, I thought she wanted a Fee for the Doctor.
Well, had she not over-traded, she had not broke so soon; for her trade
is opposite to all others: for she did set up without credit, and her
too much custome undid her; and so let her go, without either shame, or
hope of repentance.

We desired to see another: ’Tis variety that Man chiefly takes delight
in: One constant sort of Food, without participating of any other,
though Manna, will cause the stomack to long for the Flesh-pots: Neither
can the crime be greater in the enjoyment of diverse persons then one
alone, provided Matrimony make not the act Legitimate. I do not approve
of these consequent lines tending to this purpose; yet give me leave to
insert them, that you may understand how viciously minded some are in
this frothy age.

           _Born under some ill Planet, or accurst,
             Is he that loves one single Whore;
           Who with one draught can always quench his thirst,
             Ty’d to one Mistress, and no more._

This nauseating thing being removed, up came one of _Venus_ her chief
Darlings; excellent Flesh! and the her self the Cook that drest it,
spending most of her day-time about it, that she might with the better
appetite be tasted at night. Finding no exceptions in this, I was
impatient till I had consummated my desires: withdrawing into another
room, to heighten my thoughts, she declared to me her birth and
Education; that as the one was well extracted, the other had occasioned
much cost and expence. That for her part, she associated with none but
persons of quality, whose long patience and intreatments first procured
a familiarity, and in fine, freedom in the exercise of love-affairs: and
so would have (seemingly) put me off upon this score, that it was not
usual for her to admit of any to her imbraces, but such whose long
acquaintance had gained her affection. I offered her a Crown, which she
refused with indignation; telling me, that she was not yet reduced to so
low a condition, as to become so poor a Mercenary Prostitute. At last,
with much perswasion, I fastned on her an half piece; and so striving
with her, (she onely seeming averse) I accomplisht my ends. And
presently in came a fellow, whose very face would have enlightned the
room, though in the darkest night; for indeed it appeared to me a
blazing Comet, and his Nose (for miraculously he had preserved it) was
the brushy Tail. Laying his hand on his sword, he looked fiercer then a
_Spanish Don_ insulting over an _Indian Slave_. The bulk of his body
began to heave like an Earth-quake, whilst his mouth, _Ætna_-like,
belcht out all manner of Sulphurous Oaths, which roared so loud, as if
his belly had contained a barrel of Gun-powder, and the Linstock of his
Nose had fired it. His courteous Salutation to me, was, _How darest
thou, Son of a Whore, presume in this nature to dishonour me, in the
abusing of my Wife, without the expectation of an immediate annihilation
or dissipation into Atomes? But I have something here shall tame thy
insolence; and now I am resolved to set thy blood abroach._ With that he
seemed to make a pass at me: Now I, imagining that he really intended to
do what he pretended, for the safeguard of my Life, I took up a
Joynt-stool, and received his point in the seat; and following it home,
tumbled him down the stairs; and not being able to recover my self, fell
with him. My Comrade came running down at the noise to assist me; but he
seeing me rather make use of my heels then hands, followed my example,
and so built a Sconce, leaving the old Bawd to condole her great loss;
for the Reckoning was very considerable.

Now because I have often met with these _Hectors_ or Trepanning
Villains, I think it will not be unsuitable to this present Discourse,
to insert their Character.


                        An _HECTOR_ or _TRAPAN_.

A Bawdy-house is his Cloyster, where he constantly says his Mattins. He
is an Whores Protector, pretending himself more valiant then any of the
antient _Heroes_, thereby thinking to take off the suspition of a Coward
from himself: For the opinion of Valour, is a good protection to those
that dare not use it. His frequent drawing his Sword upon any slight
occasion, makes the ignorant suppose him Valiant; whereas he durst not
do it, but when he is confident no danger will ensue thereon. He never
strikes any, but such he is sure will not return his blows. In Company
he is wonderful exceptious and cholerick, thinking in the fray some
booty may be obtained: but his wrath never swells higher then when men
are loth to give him any occasion: but the onely way to pacifie him, is
to beat him soundly. The hotter you grow, the milder he is, protesting
he always honoured you. The more you abuse him, the more he seems to
love you: if he chance to be quarrelsome, you may threaten him into a
quiet temper. Every man is his Master that dares beat him; and every one
dares that knows him; and he that dares do this, is the onely man can do
much with him. Yet if he knows a Coward, he will purposely fall out with
him, to get Courtesies from him, and so be bribed into a reconcilement.
Yet I cannot say but that he may fight, (if with great advantage) being
so accustomed to the sight of drawn Swords, which probably may infuse
something of a conceit into him; which he so magnifies by his own good
opinion, that he would have people believe that the Mole-hill of his
Prowess is no less then a Mountain. This little he hath, he is no
Niggard in displaying; resembling some Apothecaries Shops, full of Pots,
though little contained in them. His Estate lies in Contrivancies; and
though other Landlords have but four Quarter-days, he hath three hundred
sixty and odd to receive the fruits of his Stratagems. He is well
skilled in Cards and Dice, which help him to cheat young Gulls newly
come to Town; and the reason he usually gives for it, is, _A Woodcock
must be pluckt ere he be drest_. If that will not do, he carries him to
one of his Mistresses, and so both joyn to plume this Fowl: if there be
not ready money to answer expectation, a Bond of considerable value
shall serve turn, attested by two shall swear any thing for half a
Crown. No man puts his brain to more use then he; for his life is a
daily invention, and each meal a meer stratagem. He hath an excellent
memory for his acquaintance; if there ever past but an _How do you?_
between him and another, it shall serve seven years hence for an
embrace, and that for money. Out of his abundance of joy to see you, he
offers a pottle of Wine; and in requital of his kindness, can do no less
then make you pay for it: whilst you are drawing money, he fumbles in
his pockets, (as School-boys with their points, being about to be whipt)
till the Reckoning be paid, and says, _It must not be so_, yet is easily
perswaded to it; and then cries, _Gentlemen, you force me to
incivility_. When his Whores cannot supply him, he borrows of any that
will lend him ought; of this man a shilling, and of another as much;
which some lend him, not out of hope to be repayed, but that he will
never trouble them again. If he finds a good look from any, he will
haunt him so long, till he force a good nature to the necessity of a
quarrel. He loves his Friend as one doth his Cloak that hath but one,
and knows not how to get another; he will be sure to wear him
thread-bare ere he forsake him. Men shun him at last as infection; nay,
his old Companions, his Cloaths that have hung upon him so long, at
length fall off to. His prayer in the morning is, That his Cheats may
take effect that day; if not, that he may be drunk before night. He
sleeps with a Tobacco-pipe in his mouth, and he dreams of nothing but
Villany. If any mischief escapes him, it was not his fault, for he lay
as fair for it as he could. He dares not enter into a serious thought,
lest he hang himself; but if such melancholy seize him, the Drink is his
refuge, and Drunkenness cures him. Lastly, he commonly dies like a
Malefactor on the Gallows, or like _Hercules_ with fire in his bones.
When hanged, if begged for an Anatomy, it would serve to convert
Tobacco-smokers from delighting in the excess thereof: for they will
find the funnel of his body, I mean his throat, furred and choakt up.

                  *       *       *       *       *

Being freed from danger, we rejoyced exceedingly that we thus so
narrowly escaped, resolving to house our selves in the next
Bubbing-place we came to, that we might talk freely of this rencounter.
A place (pointed out to us by the Devils Finger) soon presented it self
to our Eyes, which we with more than good speed entered; and coming into
the Kitchin, I was not a little amazed at the sight of a thing sitting
in a Chair by the fire-side, with a Pipe of Tobacco in its mouth, and a
Quartern of Strong-waters by its side. This Tun of Flesh resembled an
Elephant for the bignesse of her Waste, had there been the least
appearance of a Tooth: A Nose she had (which with all wonder be it
spoken that she had any) so long, as that it was a fit resemblance of
the Elephants _Proboscis_ or Trunk. But, as I said before, her Teeth
were faln out; and as loving Neighbours to reconcile them, her Chin and
Nose resolved to meet about it. She bids us Welcome as well as she could
speak. Go, I think she could not; but opening her mouth, Lord, what
strong imaginations my fancy suggested to me! Me thought I saw Hell
gaping to devour me; and within that bottomless Concave, I could discern
infinite numbers of Souls whose damnation she was accessory to; and
coming somewhat too near her, I imagined her breath was bituminous, and
smelt of Brimstone. She might fitly be compared to old-Coal that hath
been well burnt, that with the least spark will re-kindle, and fire any
thing near it. But her fittest likeness is the Devil, her Envy running
parallel with his. All that the Devil endeavours, is to bring Mankind
into the same state with himself; and a Bawds aim is to make all fair
women like her: now because their youth perhaps will not admit of it so
soon, she hurries them on to it by degrees, by drinking, smoaking,
painting, and dayly excess in venery. I lookt about her house very
inquisitively, but I could not judge her Moveables (setting aside her
quick Cattle) to be worth an Inventory. Her bedding I doubt me too is
infectious, few coming near it, but they are presently taken with a fit
of the falling-sickness. This old Beldame, being loth to put her throat
to the trouble of calling her white Devils about her, had got a Whistle,
on which she used several Notes; which Musical language her Girls
understood very well. We called for drink; the old Bawd replyed she
would send for some, though she had it not in the house: this was to be
sure of our Moneys. Herein I observed their temperance, not suffering us
to have too much measure. Wenches we had plentifully; one more
especially I took notice of, to have the Swartheist skin I have seen
English born, on whom an ordinary fellow was very sweet. When I saw my
opportunity, I askt him, craving his excuse) _What Trade he was?_ Pat as
I would have it, he answered me, _That he was a Tanner. I concluded so,
Sir_, (said I) _by your dressing of that Calf’s-skin there._ This
Dull-headed fool apprehended me not, but began to be angry, telling me,
_His Trade was a good Trade, and I need not undervalue it_. I told him,
_I did not, since there was some analogy between my Trade and his. Why
what Trade are you?_ (said he,) _(I may ask you a question, as well as
you me.)_ I replyed, _That I was a Cuckold-maker. How can that be like
my Profession?_ quoth he. _In this_, said I, _You dress the skins, and I
trim the Horns._ The Bawd at this fell into such an extream fit of
laughter, that down fell her Pipe, and up came the Strong-waters that
she had swallowed: but that was not all, for having not her retentive
faculty, she let flie: surely she was overcharged, which made her
recoyl, and so blew out her breech-pin. She was forced to leave us, and
about an hour after returned; how sweet, I cannot tell you. We fell into
discourse again: I askt her, _How long she had liv’d in this house? Two
years_ (said she) _a longer time then any house I have lived in this
twenty years_: with that I concluded she was in fee with the Justices
Clerk. My stomach being waterish, I would needs have some Eggs and
Bacon: but Lord, what an Agony the hearing thereof put the Bawd in!
desiring me to desist, for she should die at the sight of them. I askt
her the reason: _O_, said she, _it puts me in mind of one
_Shrove-tuesday_ especially, on which the Apprentices pulled down my
house; and sick, sick as I was, pulled me away violently from a Caudle I
had prepared to comfort me: But they gave me one with a Pox to them, and
the Devils Dam take the Rotten Eggs in it, with which I thought they
would have pelted out my brains, after they had dragged me sufficiently,
and worried me (as a Mastiff would a Cat) till they were weary of the
sport: fearing I should catch cold, they out of pity covered me warm in
a Bogg-house. But the worst was, after this kind usage, I was to go
through a long street before I could come to an acquaintance of mine
wherein I could safely secure my self from the out-rage of these
Hell-hounds. All along as I went, a thousand Dogs barkt at me, the
street was filled with people looking and laughing at my sad disaster,
but none daring to come near me. They say I left so strong a scent
behind me, that several of the Inhabitants left their dwellings upon it,
and that the strong savour remained in that place above six days._ I
seemed to pitty her much, promising to visit her often; and so we left


                              CHAP. XIII.

    _What a Trick he served his Comrade; how himself was
        Trapan’d; his own Cloaths taken from him; the Bawd out
        of pretended pity, invested him with an old petticoat
        and wastcoat; his admittance into a Boarding-School; his
        getting many of the Gentlewomen with Child; his
        discovery, and his flight._

From one Bawdy-house to another, was our dayly Travel, still finding out
some variety that might please us. About the twylight, coming along by a
well-built house, I saw a Gentlewoman richly Attired standing by the
door, who, as I passed by, very civilly saluted me, and so withdrew her
self. I followed her in, as very well understanding how to interpret
such actions. She brought us into a spacious Inner-room, and then with
much civility and good carriage, invited us to sit down. She called to
her servant to bring some bottles of Wine, resolving to make us pay
dearly for her extraordinary Favours. By our habits she took us for no
less then persons of Quality; for we had gallantly accoutred our selves;
and I thought that Fortune now had designed me her chiefest favorite, in
throwing this unexpected blessing upon me. She caused her Lute to be
brought her, to which she sung so harmonically, that the Musick of the
Sphears are no more to be compared to it, then a Scotch Bagpipe to an
Organ. This so intoxicated my Comrade, with the Wine together (not but
that they had a great operation on my self) that he fell fast asleep,
(_alias_ dead drunk.) Glad I was to my very heart of this accident,
fearing he might be a Rival in my intention: and to the intent I might
remove all _Remora’s_ or Impediments that might hinder my sole enjoyment
of this Lady, I consulted with my self what to do with him: I was not
long about it, but streight found out this cunning Plot, which was to
send him home to his Master. Love to a Woman is so forceable, that what
will it not do? to sum up all, make a man betray his Friend. I made an
Apology to the Gentlewoman for his incivility, and requested the favour
to have her servant procure me a Porter; whilst she was gone to execute
my desires, I searcht his Pockets, and took away all his Gold; for we
had converted all our money into that metal, which we always made our
_Vade mecum_. To ingratiate my self with this Gentlewoman, I acquainted
her with my design; which she heartily laughed at. I farther desired of
her, that I might have a Card and a piece of paper. On the Card I wrote
a superscription, and pinned it on his back, directing the thing to his
Master, living in such a place: with the paper, I wrote a Letter to him
to this effect.

            Lately I found your Goose upon the way,
            I took him up, as one that went astray.
            To recompense my pains, I pull’d his feathers;
            Such pretious down will warm me in all weathers.
            His flesh I love not; it belongs to you:
            The gibblets though I keep; and so adieu._

I gave the Porter instructions, that he should but just put him within
the doors, and leave the Letter, and so with all speed to come away, to
prevent examination: he brought me word he had performed my order: what
discants were made hereon, I shall leave the Reader to imagine. By this
time I had gained my Mistress with a shower of Gold, which had so far
prevailed on her, that she protested she was wholly and solely at my
devotion. I would have had her to have gone immediately to bed; but she
told me, _There would be time enough before morning to sport in, and
that we should be both tired, if we went to bed so soon_. Wherefore, to
divert our selves, we drank and sung together in parts, I my self having
indifferent good judgment. Having spun out the time so long till it was
time to go to bed, she then conducted me to the Chamber where she
intended we should lie. Though she made what haste she could to undress
her self, yet me thought she was purposely tedious. I commended before,
her Vocal and Instrumental Musick; but then I esteemed no other Musick
sweeter then what the Tag made against her Bodice when she was unlacing
her self. About two a Clock in the Morning, three or four fellows rushed
into our Room; at which I awakened, but made as little noise as a
_Perdue_. My Mistress leaping out of the Bed, they seized on her, gagged
and bound her; and then opening the two leaves of the Window that was
the entrance into the Belcony, they came in all haste to the Bed, and in
a trice, had rowled up the Bed so close, that they had like to have
stifled me in the middle on’t: though they dragged me in the Bed from
off the Bedsteed, rudely letting me fall on the ground; yet I felt no
harm; every part of me was so well guarded, that in that condition, I
might have bid defiance to a Canon-Bullet. But when I heard them talk of
flinging the Bed over the Belcony to their Companions, I thought I
should have died instantly for fear, knowing I must of necessity go with
it. Whereupon I cryed out as loud as I could, and struggling, I got a
little place open, and then I roar’d like _Phalaris_ his Bull. They
seeming to be surprized with my unexpected noise, fled, fastning a Rope
to the Belcony, and so slid down into the street. Perceiving they were
all gone, I groped about the Room (for it was very dark) speaking very
lowly, Where are you Madam? repeating it often; but much wondring I
could not hear her answer me. As I was feeling round the Room,
stretching forth my hands, I chanced to run one of my hands against her,
and one of my fingers into her mouth: I thought my finger had strayed at
first, mistaking the place; but searching farther, and finding teeth, I
knew then whereabout I was, and discovered withal a stick in her mouth,
keeping it wide open, as Butchers do their Sheep with a Gambrel. But
having removed this obstacle of her speech, she begged me to untie her
hands; which having done, she her self untied her feet; and with that,
she would have clasped me in her Arms; but I hung an arse, being
sensible of the stinking condition that the fear had put me in. She was
very inquisitive after my welfare, asking me again and again, _Whether I
had received any harm from the Rogues_. I told her no: _Nay, then I care
not for my own sufferings, or what loss I have sustained by them_, said
she, and so speedily went for a candle. As I was thinking to Apologize
for my nastiness, up she came with a light, viewing me, and perceiving
what a condition I was in, she kept at a distance; _Sir_, said she, _my
fancy suggests to me, that you now resemble _Nebuchadnezzar_ when
Metamorphozed into a beast, and lying in his own dung, when you shall
have reassumed your humanity, I shall presume to approach nearer to
you_. I made my Sirreverence to her, wishing they had gagged her breech
too so wide, that her guts might have a passage through her posteriours.
For I plainly perceived, notwithstanding all her specious pretences, she
was the foundress of this Plot. Well, she caused water to be brought up,
with which I cleansed my self; and because my shirt had too strong a
sent of _Stercus humanum_, she lent me a Smock, which presaged ere long
I should wear Coats too. Having shifted my self, I looked for my
Cloaths, but there was a _Non est inventus_ out against them, all my
search could afford me not the least comfort: my Mistress seemed much
disturbed at my loss; but when I told her I had lost such a considerable
quantity of Gold, her sorrow seemed to be redoubled, and I am sure her
inward joy was increased. She comforted me with a great many friendly
loving expression, sdesiring me to be patient, and indeed necessity
forced me to it. I asked her advice what I should do in this naked
condition: _There is no remedy_, (she replyed) _you must be content to
cloath your self in Womans apparel, as for mans I have none to furnish
you withal_. I consented to it, and presently she drest me up in one of
her Gowns, with all the appurtenances thereunto belonging. The
slenderness of my body, whiteness of skin, beauty, and smoothness of
face (having no hairs thereon) added a suitableness to my garb. I must
ingeniously confess, when I consulted with a Looking-glass, I thought
the transmutation of Sexes had been verified in me; but when I walked, I
found something pendulous, which easily perswaded me to the contrary
belief of my self. I thought it folly to tax her for my misfortune,
knowing how little it would advantage me. The time was come I was to
take my leave of her: going to salute her, I committed a foul mistake,
indeavouring to pull off my hood in stead of my hat, and making a Leg
(as the vulgar term is) in stead of a Curchy; but she advising me to
rectifie that mistake for the time to come, we bid each other adieu. In
this disguize I traversed the streets, it being almost impossible for
any to discover me, my voice being so effeminate, that I was confident
that would never betray me. As I walkt, I consulted with Reason what was
most expedient. My invention (as at all times) was now ready to assist
me; and thus it was. Finding a Bill on a door, I knocked, desiring to
see what Lodgings they had; I was very civilly intreated to come in, and
was shown several Rooms with much respect, for my female habit was very
gallant, and so it had need, for it cost me dearer than so much cloath
of Gold. I pitch’d at last upon a Chamber extraordinary well furnished;
I never scrupled the price, (because they should look on me as a person
of Quality) but agreed to my Landlords own terms. I told him I was
lately come out of the Country, and that my Trunks were not yet arriv’d,
with a great many more fictions to prevent suspition. At first I
intended to take for no longer time, than I could contrive a way to
dispose of my self, and procure mans Apparrel; but perceiving how
agreeable my Feature, Stature and Gesture were to my Female Weeds, I
resolved to trie some projects in them. There was a young Gentleman that
lay in the house, and took special notice of me as soon as I entered it,
and as he told me next day, was over joyed that I had determined to be a
Lodger there. This young _Bravo_ (which had more money than wit) had
prepared a Banquet for me, and requested the favour of me, that it and
himself might be received into my chamber: I alleadged I could not do it
in point of honour, and therefore desired to be excused; but he prest me
so far (getting also his Landlady to intercede for him), that at last
(though with much seeming unwillingness) I condescended thereunto. Very
merry they were, but I thought it prudence to be reserv’d. My Amorist so
gazed on me, that I thought he would have devoured me with his eyes,
kissing me sometimes, which had like to have made me disgorge my stomack
in his face. For in my opinion, it is very unnatural, nay loathsome, for
one man to kiss another, though of late too customary I know it is; yet
I look on such as use it, inclining to _Sodomy_, and have had the
unhappiness to be acquainted with severall, who using that unnatural
action, found it onely the Preludium to a more beastly intention. In
three dayes time we grew so intimately acquainted, that at last he
became impudent. One time as I past by him, he catch’d at me,
endeavouring to intrude his hand where he had no interest, but he did it
so rudely, that I verily thought he had spoiled me; I believe he
imagined that he had caught me by the busk, which some Ladies wear very
long to hide their rising bellies. I showed my self much displeased at
him for so doing, expressing my resentment in imbittered words for so
great a Crime. Next morning, he courted me to a Reconciliation with a
Gold Watch: by that he should have been well skilled in gaining female
affections; for there is nothing prevails on them more than presents;
and nothing gains sooner over them a total conquest, than the hopes of
enjoying a fair promising Fortune. With much importunity I accepted his
Peace-offering, conditionally, that he should never attempt the like
offence. Nothing troubled me more, then how to dress my self when my
cloaths were off. I durst not lay two things together, for fear I should
mistake; there were so many baubles, I wished for a Pen and Ink, to
write on them what places they properly belonged to. Viewing them on the
Table together, they represented to my thoughts Babel, or a great
confusion, and nothing but a miracle could produce Order out of them, I
had so improv’d my self by hourly practice, when none was with me, and
observation of others, that I had now the knack on’t. I new modelled my
steps, my former being too large by three quarters; I could
advantagiously cast my eye, set my face in a plat-form, and dissect my
words; my feet were my only Traytors, and therefore I alwayes kept them
close Prisoners, for their greatness (like the Devils cloven-foot)
proclaimed me the contrary Sex I imitated. Well, I thought it high time
to be gone, not without plucking my Widgeon. Having a fit opportunity,
there being none present but himself and I, I pretended disappointment
of money, and that my Rents were not yet due, and therefore desired him
to lend me 10_l._ for eight days; at the termination of which time, I
should not fail to return it him with gratitude. He was much joy’d, that
I would favour him so far, as to accept his service; & with that flew
like Lightning, fearing he would have fractured his Leg-bone for haste
to bring me the money, which I received from him thankfully. I caused a
Coach to be call’d, pretending I had business into the City. My Cully
would have waited on me, which I utterly refused, telling him without
privacy my affairs would prove ineffectual; whereupon he desisted.

Coming into _Burchin-Lane_, I went to a Salesman, and bought
(pretendedly for my Maid) an ordinary yet handsome Petticoat and
Wastcoat, furnishing my self with all the Appurtenances requisite for a
Servant maid.

In stead of returning to my Lodging, I caused the Coachman to drive me
to one of the principal Nurseries of _Venus_, _Whetstones Park_. For I
lookt upon it as a matter of small import, to take my leave either of my
young Gallant at home, or my Landlord, since I had not left the least
Mortgage behind me for sleeping.

Mother _Cunny_ (to tell the truth) was the Nick-name of that Corpulent
Matron, that with much demonstrations of joy received me into her house;
neither could she forbear expressing her great satisfaction, in that her
civil and honest deportment was so generally taken notice of, as that it
should be an inducement to strangers to shelter themselves under her
Tutelage, preferring her as a Guardian or Tutress, before so many
throughly tried, and long experienced antient Gentlewomen, both in City
and Suburbs. She highly applauded both the Features and Complexion of my
Face, not forgetting the right colour of my Hair, which was flaxen: the
Stature of my Person infinitely pleased her, which was somewhat of the
tallest: In short, nothing disliked her, but that she said I lookt as if
I had a greater mind to beat, than buss; and to fight, than delight my
Amoretes with smiling insinuations.

I had not been long in her house, before a roaring Damme entred the
house, (a constant visitant) who meeting with my Guardian, was informed
that there was a rich treasure discover’d in her house, and that none
should attempt to spring the Mine, till he had made entrance by the
first stroak. In short, he was brought into the Chamber where I was, who
at first behaved himself indifferently civil, and treated me nobly: But
O Heavens! how great was my confusion and distraction, when strength of
Arguments and force of hands would not repel the fury of his lust, and
that nothing would serve his turn but lying with me. I defended my self
manfully a long time; but seeing it was impossible to hold out any
longer, and that I must be discovered, the next assault he made, forced
me to cry out: this so alarumed my Gentleman (concluding this outcry
proceeded not from modesty and chastity, but out of some trapanning
design) that he drew his sword, and made toward the Stair-case, and
running down with more haste than good speed, overturned my kind
Governess (that was puffing up the Stairs to my relief) and so both
tumbled down together: fear had so dispossest this huffling fellow of
his senses, that he mistook my old Matron for the _Bravo_ he thought did
usually attend me, and so without once looking behind him, made his
escape into the street, leaving the piece of Antiquity not so much
defaced by time, as by this dismal accident so near extinguishing, that
she was half undone in the vast expence of her Strong-waters, to bring
her tongue to one single motion.

Coming to her self, you may imagine how I was treated by her; but to be
brief, I told her I could not brook such a course of life, wherein all
injoyments were attended by ruine and destruction, although habited and
cloathed in the seeming ornaments of real pleasure; adding moreover,
that I would speedily leave her house, investing my self with a meaner
garb, bestowing those I wore on her in part of satisfaction for what she
suffered through my means. This proposition so well pleased her, that I
had free liberty to do as I thought most convenient herein.

Exchanging my fine _Madamship_ for plain _Joan-ship_, my equipage being
suitable for service, I resolved to apply my self to a Boarding School;
and the rather, having observed it to be more thronged with Beauties,
than any other: My address proved as successful as I could desire, for
instantly upon my motion, I was received in as a Menial of the house.
But when I came to use the Tools of the Kitchin, I handled them so
scurvily, it made those teething Giglers my fellow servants, even split
with laughter. To add to my misfortune, those Varlets one time when we
had some meat to roast, on purpose got out of the way for a while, to
see how I could behave my self; and then I did spit the meat so
monstrously strange, that coming into the Kitchin, they could not tell
at first sight what those joynts were called at fire. My actions had
proclaimed my ignorance in all Domestick Affairs, so that my Mistress
could not but take notice of me; and told me, that I was altogether
unfit for her service, and that she could do no less than discharge me.

Fearing that my design was now frustrated, and my fair hopes of delight
annihilated, I could not contain my tears from bedewing my face. My
blubber’d eyes wrought so powerfully with my Mistress, that I judged it
now the fittest time in broken Accents to mollifie her anger, and still
reserve my place in her service. Whereupon I told her a great many
formal and plausible lies, well methodized; that I had all my life time
lived in an obscure Village amongst rude and ill-bred people, and
therefore knew nothing; that it was my desire to learn, not so much
valuing wages as experience, and that it was for that intent I had
tendred my service. The good old Gentlewoman being much pleased with my
freedom, presently ordered the Maids that without their grinning and
gigleting, they should shew me any thing I understood not.

By diligent observing, I gained shortly an indifferent knowledge: Though
I lay with one of my fellow servants every night, yet I judged it no
prudence to discover to her my Sex (though much against the hair) till I
had by external kindnesses indeared her to me. I went through my
business pretty handily, giving a general satisfaction, gaining daily an
interest upon the loves of the young Gentlewomen.

O the fine inexpressible petulances that dayly, nay, hourly past between
me and some other of them; and so crafty I was grown, that I perfectly
did counterfeit a modest maiden. Sometimes we would retire three or four
of us into a private corner, yet not so obscure but that we intended to
be seen by some man or other we had afore discovered; and then as if
affrighted by an unexpected surprize, squeak out, and then with strange
haste endeavour to hide our pretended shamefacedness. Thus concurring
and suiting my self to their humours, I had all the freedome I could

And now I thought it high time to handle the matter for which I came
about; for indeed flesh and blood could hold out no longer. One night I
perceived my Bedfellow could not in the least close her eyes,
continually sighing and tumbling to and fro, sometimes laying her leg
over me, and at other times hugging me within her arms, as if I had been
in a press. At first I thought this commotion or perturbation proceeded
from Sympathy, as questionless in part it did; for I found
experimentally by my self that my heart did beat as if it would have
forced its passage through my breast.

I thought I could do no less than ask her what she ailed that she was
thus restless. At first, sighs were her onely answers, till at last (I
pressing her much) poor thing she melted into tears. As soon as her eyes
had given over deluging, and that her heart would give her leave to
speak; _Jone_ (said she, for so I called my self) if thou wilt keep my
secrets, I will tell thee my whole heart. Having promised to do that,
whereupon she began thus to relate her story. Our Coachman for several
years hath shown me more then common respect, and indeed though I have
concealed that affection I ever bore him, yet I could not but now and
then give him slight occasions of hope: as the moneths wherein we lived
together added to our age, so did it add true life & vigour to our
loves, which increased so much and fast, that I could hide mine no
longer. But herein consists my misery, that our affections aim at
different ends; I fain would marry him; he is onely for present
enjoyment, and finding me obstinate, and not in the least yielding to
his amorous sollicitations, begins to slight me, and toys with such
before my face, that I know will surrender their Maiden forts upon the
first Summons. Now Dear _Joan_, let me tell thee, I can hold out no
longer, but am resolved to give him all the opportunity of privacy I can
invent, upon the least motion offered, I will entertain it. I disswaded
her from this rash resolution with as much reason as I could utter;
inculcating the danger of being gotten with child, with all its
aggravations: that having obtained his ends, his love would be converted
into loathing; and he having rejected her as his object, none that knew
her would choose her as an object that may make an honest wife; for who
would marry a whore, but to entail the Pox on his progeny? What ever I
alleadged, she valued not. Seeing the was fully bent, I thought this the
critical hour to discover my self to her, _Come, come_ (said I) _I will
quickly put you out of conceit with _John_, and cure this love that so
much troubles you_; and so I did, after which I enjoyned her silence;
which I thought she would have done, for her own interest sake; which
she did for a while. I came at length to be very much beloved in
general. It was the custome almost every night for the young Gentlewomen
to run skittishly up and down into one anothers Chambers; and I was so
pestered with them, that they would not let me sleep. But I had an
excellent Guardian in bed with me, that would not let any of them come
in to us, resolving to monopolize all the sport to her self. It was good
sport to observe how this Maid always followed me as my shadow, and
whatever I was doing of, she would have a hand in it with me. What an
endless work we made in making the beds! Our Mistress saw her work very
much neglected, laying all the blame upon my Bedfellow; and indeed not
without cause: for her mind was so employed about thinking on night,
that she did little all day; which my Mistress perceiving, turned her
away; which was no small joy to me, if for no other consideration then
her extream fondness, which I knew would betray us both in the end.

After the departure of my Bedfellow, the young Ladies pittying my
loneness in the night, redrest that solitude by their welcome presence.
The first that came had like to have spoiled all; by her squeaking; but
some of her Associates running to know what was the matter, she readily
told them she _thought_ there was a Mouse in the bed: thus satisfied,
they departed; and I enjoyned her as I did the other, silence; but alas!
all Injunctions on Women to keep a secret, are but as so many
perswasions to divulge it. Notwithstanding I had so enjoyned her
secrecy, yet she made it known to some that she entertained a peculiar
respect for, intending they should participate with her in the pleasure
she enjoyed. This discovery did put me to an extream hard task; I should
never have undergone it, had not variety of such sweet smelling
Rose-buds encouraged me.

           _Thus frequently each night did I repeat
           My uncontrouled passions; and for heat,
           And active liveliness, I thought that none
           Could stand with me in competition.
           Twas then, forgetful wretch, that I a kiss
           Did oft prefer before a greater bliss.
           What did I care? my carnal joys did swell;
           So slighted Heaven, and ne’re feared Hell.
           But let me henceforth learn to slight those toys,
           And set my heart upon Celestial joys._

In the very height of these my jollities, I cou’d not forbear thinking
sometimes on my eternal condition; but custome and opportunity had so
absolutely inslaved me, that good thoughts which were but seldom,
wrought little good effects upon me. But if my souls welfare would not
deter me from these foul and wicked acts, yet love to my present mortall
condition, compelled me for a while to desist, and by flying those
embraces I lately so hotly pursued, shun those complicated mischiefs
which were appropinquant, the undeniable effects of my immoderate and
destructive wantonness. My approaching danger was too visible, for I
observed that some of the Gentlewomen began to find strange alterations
in their bodies, with frequent qualms coming over their stomacks, which
made me sick to be gone; and in this manner I did plot my escape. My
Mistris having a Son much about my stature, and one time finding a fit
opportunity, I got a suit of cloaths of his, with other perquisits,
which I put on, reassuming my proper shape and habit, and so with flying
colours marched off, insulting over the conquest of so many
Maiden-heads, leaving the _quondam_ possessors thereof to deplore their
ensuing misery, and condemn their own rash folly.


                               CHAP. XIV.

    _What a Trick he served a young man of his Acquaintance,
        whom he met withal accidentally; how he was pinched with
        hunger, and what wayes he invented to kill it._

I made all the speed I could to _London_, knowing the largeness of that
Vast City would afford conveniency for my concealment. But then my
cloaths much troubled me, knowing nothing would betray me sooner than
they. Whilst I was studying all imaginable wayes for my preservation,
such an opportunity presented it self, that therein it was plainly seen
the Fates had decreed of old to favour my enterprizes. As I said,
walking the streets, and ruminating what was best to be done, I met with
a young Man of my acquaintance, who seeing me, ran and caught me in his
Arms, and with very much joy we congratulated each other, and so as is
usual when Friends meet we must drink together. Over our cups, I began
to inquire after his condition: He shook his head, and so related to me
a sad story, which in effect was to this purpose in his own words.

_Dearest Friend, since last I saw you, never was young Man so
unfortunate as my self, the cause thereof I can impute to nothing more
than self-conceit, and over-much credulity; which by the sequel you will
plainly understand. For perceiving that my Mistress shewed me more then
a common respect, I concluded that she had entertained some private
favour for me within her breast, so that I began to be puft up with
conceit; neglecting my duty, and now despising the Chamber-maid, who was
before the only Saint I made nightly my oraizons too; withal, I carried
my self so imperiously, that my Master was not very well assured whether
he durst command or no. My Mistress would sometimes heartily laugh, to
see how ridiculous I carryed myself; which I looked upon as a singular
favour, mistaking her smiles for tokens of her love, when they were no
other than the apparent Symptomes of her derision. Observing how affable
and pleasing she was, I never considered the generality of it, so that
my self-flattering noddle supposed this carriage particular to me, and
thereupon interpreted this her complacencie strong affection; and by
reason she was frequently merry and jocose, I concluded her salacious or
Lecherous. Thus by the false lights of misconstruction and easie belief,
I was led into Loves Labyrinth; My Masters affairs was less regarded
than my Mistress supposed affection. In fine, I judged it absolutely
necessary to make her acquainted with my Amorous Passion, and no
expedient better than by Letter. My Mistress (as it is customary with
Citizens Wives to light the Candle of their Husbands Estates at both
ends) had her Country-house, to which I was sent by my Master, with some
bottles of Wine, preparatory for a Feast intended for the accommodation
of some special Friends: arriving, I found my Mistress had sent her Maid
to _London_ about some business, at which I bless’d my propitious stars,
to direct me thither in such a fortunate and most desired hour._

_After I had delivered my Message, I began to talk very familiar with my
Mistress: she with a smiling countenance, ask’d me, _What I meant?_ not
in the least checking my presumption, which made me more arrogant and
bold; telling her, _I was her eternally devoted Servant_; she answered
me, _I was bound to be her Servant for a time, and that I must, when
commanded, obey her pleasure_: to which last word, I added in my
thoughts the _Epithite Venereal_, supposing she meant not to have left
it out; with that I replyed, _Mistress, I should not deem my self worthy
to be your Servant, if my resolution had not ingaged me to be so
perpetually; as for my affection, it shall dayly anticipate your
desires; you shall not need to lay your commands on me, since my
thoughts shall be solely imployed in contriving wayes how we may injoy
each other, to the mutual satisfaction of us both_. At which words, she
fell into an excess of laughter, (which I judged the effects of joy) and
then asked me, _Whether I was Mad?_ I answered, _No, unless too much
love had made me so; Dearest Mistress, read but this Paper, and I hope
that will better inform you_._

Here he stopt, pulling out of his pocket a copy thereof, which was to my
best remembrance to this purpose.

        Dearest Mistress,

    _Frequently revolving in my thoughts the condition I now am in,
    Despair stands ready to seize me; but the consideration and
    knowledge of your commiserating Nature, draws me out of its
    ruinating Jaws. When I reflect again on the disparity of our
    Fortunes, and that it is your Indentured Vassal that thus
    prostrates his affection at your feet, I fear one blast of your
    just indignation will suddainly shipwreck all my hopes. I
    confess my error is overmuch confidence, for which I may expect
    ruine, which commonly attends rash Attempts; especially daring
    to sail in the narrow Seas, without any other Pilot than blind
    Love; and if I should arrive at my desired Port, I cannot
    deliver my Goods without stealing Custome. But waving all
    difficulties of this Nature, consider that Love must needs be
    quintessential, that is not drawn from any other interest than
    reciprocal enjoyment; and it must needs be exceeding strong and
    eminent too, that will force its way through the greatest
    hazards. Signifie my Pardon by one gracious smile, for what I
    have so boldly (yet forceably) discovered, and I shall esteem my
    condition little inferior to what is Celestial; which is no
    happiness to me, without the auspitious beams of your favour
    shine on me. And so subscribe my self according as your sentence
    shall be, either the_

                                      Most happy, or most miserable.

The Verses that were annext to the Letter, he told me he got a Rimer to
compose for him, which afterwards he found stoln out of several Authors;
a line out of one, and a half out of another, and so with the course
thred of his brain botch’d together; which were these:

           _Cupid did wound my heart; I hid the grief
           Long time, but durst not seek for your relief;
           I found the smart increased on that score,
           For wounds, if not well search’d, but rankle more.
           O cure me quickly then, or else I die;
           Deny not, since there’s none but you and I._

I withdrew as soon as I had delivered my Paper, giving her leave to read
in private, what my Love had dictated. About a quarter of an hour after
she called me to her, assuring me in a day or two I should receive an
answer to the purpose; and so absconding her displeasure, she sent me
with all expedition home again. After the expiration of three dayes, she
came home to her City-house: at night she pretended some indisposition
of body, and desired to lie by her self; which hearing, I thought my joy
would prove a Traytor to my supposed happiness; she takes an occasion to
tell me, _About twelve at night I might come to her Bed-chamber, the
door whereof she would leave open for me on purpose_. In the mean time,
she shewed my Master the Letter, acquainting him with the whole
business. According to the time appointed, I entered the Chamber in my
shirt; approaching the Bed, I began to pour out my Amorous Expressions;
and as I had one leg upon the Bed-side, ready to enter the Bed, where I
thought my Mistress had attended my pleasure, I thought the Devil had
waited on my Posteriors, correcting me for not making more haste. The
first lash was seconded with three or four more in an instant, which
made me caper up and down so nimbly about the Room, that for my life I
could not find the door; at last I did; speed was now the onely Guardian
I had left, and so without pausing long upon it, I made but one step of
the first pair of Stairs from top to the bottom, which had liked to have
lamed me; before I could recover my self, my Master was with me again,
which put fresh expedition into me; and so starting up, I leapt down
half the next pair, and tumbled down the rest. By this time he had lost
the cord of his Whip, and fearing lest he might spoil me with the stick,
desisted bidding me go to bed, lest I should catch cold after so great a
heat, and so with two or three parting blows I got into my chamber,
where I fell into a deep consultation with my self, the result of it was
this; I took my curtains and sheets, and tied them together, and then
fastned one end thereof to the Window; after this I went out of the
Window, and so slid; by that time I was within an half story of the
ground, the knot of one of the Curtains slipt, so that falling from that
height, I thought that every bone in my body had been absolutely broken.
Knowing it was no wayes safe to lie there and cry _God help me_, I
raised my self as well as I could, but I had not walked far, before I
found my self in no condition of going, wherefore I resolved to lie
under the next Stall. As the Devil would have it, I found a Coblers
Stall newly broke open that very night: never questioning the place, I
crept in, and notwithstanding my bruise by the fall, and whipping
besides, I fell fast asleep, so soundly, that I awaked not, till I was
forced to it with an horse-pox. For the Cobler coming to work early in
the morning (according to his custome) found his door broken open; with
that, he made an hideous noise, crying out, He was undone; for the day
before he had laid out three shillings four pence, which was all his
stock in Leather; all which was stoln, with many old shooes, nay his
very working implements; doubtless it was done by one of his own
Fraternity, that had informed himself of his late great purchase. The
Cobler entring his Stall, found me in one corner fast asleep. He took no
other course to awake me, than dragging me by the heels out of my Den,
into the Street, crying out, That he had got one of the Rogues, and
without any more adoe, fell upon me, buffeting me with his fist, and
treading me underneath his feet, making himself both my Judge and
Executioner: Thus you see one mischief attends the others heels. I
begged him in a pittiful manner to let me alone, and I would confess to
him all I knew, desiring him to go with me to the next Ale-house, which
accordingly we did. I vowed to him I was no ways accessary to his wrong,
informing him as much as I thought convenient of my sufferings, shewing
him what a woful plight I was in; relating, it was my Masters cruelty
that was the cause of all this, and no other fault of mine, then staying
the last night out a little too long. The Cobler seemed to commiserate
my misery, asking me forgiveness for what he had done, and so we parted.
Since, by the kindness of a good natured Widow (where I lie) I have
recovered my hurts and strength, and now am overjoyed we should so
happily meet.

After this we drank very smartly, but, I forgot not all this while my
design on him. After that I had pitied him, and lamented his sad
misfortune, I thought it high time to put my Plot in execution: in order
thereunto, I demanded what difference he would take between my Hat and
his, his Cloak and mine; there being small matter of advantage in the
exchange, we agreed to go to handicap. In fine, There was not any thing
about us of wearing cloaths but we interchanged: scarce had I un-cased
my self, and put on my Friends cloaths, but in came one that had dogged
me, attended by the Constable, with a Warrant to seize me, who they knew
by no other token but my Boarding-Mistresses Sons garments I had stolen
for my escape. They forthwith laid hold on my Companion, (finding them
on him) telling him, _He should severely suffer for the wrong he did his
Mistress, in the abuse of her house_. Full of horror and amazement, he
beseeched them not to carry him before his Mistress, knowing how much he
had offended her, she would have no mercy on him; this confirmed their
belief, that they had found out the Offender. The more he intreated, the
more deaf and inexorable were they; and whilst they were busied about
their mistaken Criminal-Prisoner, I took an occasion to give them the
slip, knowing that a little further discourse would rectifie their
Error. What they did with him I know not, neither durst I be so
inquisitive to understand: wherefore, leaving him to the mercy of such,
as would shew but little to him, I shall proceed forwards in my own
story. My stock was now very small; how to increase it, I knew not. My
invention was daily on the Rack, to find out expedient wayes to supply
my necessary expence. But my money being all spent, my belly began to
grumble out insufferable complaints against me, seeming to charge me
with want of ingenuity and industry, since I injoyed my liberty; for
want that man cannot, which wants not that. Alas, what should I do? I
used what means I could, having no better experience. There was not a
Billiard Table, Boards End, or Nine-Pin-yard, that I did not daily
visit, frequenting such as had the greatest resort: in a short time I
learned the art of Spunging so perfectly, that I had the Title of
_Spunge-Master General_ conferred upon me. In those places I learned to
take Tobacco, which was the chiefest part of my food; living in a manner
by Smoak, as the Camelion by Air. I fed so lightly, that I durst not
stir abroad in a high wind; neither durst I fight, lest one single
stroak should have hazarded my dissolution; continued drinking had so
washed me, that my body was transparent, you might have seen within me
(without dissection) the motion of the heart; you could have observed
but little as to my liver, it long since had lost its use in the
conveyance of the blood, for my stomack had nothing therein contained to
supply it; like an Inns-a-Court-Kitchin out of Term-time. In short, I
appeared like a walking _Skeleton_. I had several suggestions within me
to proffer my self again to my Master; but the shame to be seen in that
condition, deterred me; wherefore, I resolved to weather it out a little
longer, and try whether Fortune would once more be favourable to me. My
cloaths were indifferent good, which could not but procure me credit, if
I would make experiment. By means whereof I had gotten an handsome
lodging chamber. It was a publick house of entertainment, so that here I
thought I should have meat, drink and lodging for chalk, and chalk for
nothing. I called freely for what was in the house, which was readily
brought me; but when the servants beheld with what celerity, (_Hocus_
like) and cleanly conveyance, I had disposed of what was before me, they
verily believed in one week I would cause a dearth in the house if I
staid; wherefore, one of the servants acquainted her Mistress with what
she had observed, alleadging further invectively against me, That I
looked like one of those lean Beasts which have nothing given them to
feed on, but vertuous and honest Women; that she believed I was the
_Genius_ of some hunger-starved wretch, or a shaddow without a
substance, (which was very true as to my pocket.) When I thought it was
time to go to Bed, I call’d for a candle, not mattering whether I called
for a Reckoning. But my Landlady did; for said she, _Sir, It is our
custome to reckon with our Lodgers every night what they have that day,
and once a week to discharge their lodging_. In truth I did intend to
have discharged my self of it before the week had been out. I knew not
what at present to answer her, but I was seldom to seek in such cases. I
desired her to be content for that night, on the morrow I would have my
Trunks brought to her house, making it my Quarters for some time; and
that she should find me a boon Companion, drinking freely: _I believe
so_, she said, _you will be here for some time, or may be you will make
this your Refuge or Sanctuary for one night; and then you say you will
drink freely too, give me leave to tell you, you meant at free cost.
Sir, give me my reckoning now, or you shall have no lodging here this
night._ Do you suspect me, Landlady, said I? _Respect you_, said she,
(mistaking the word) _for what grounds, unless I knew you better? and
yet I doubt I shall know you too well. That’s a good one indeed, respect
a skinfull of Bones; a bag of Chessmen; a bundle of small Faggot-sticks.
Why, thou Haberdasher of small wares, dost thou think I will respect
thee otherways than for thy moneys? unless I should be so mad as to fall
in love with Famine. Come, give me my reckoning first, and I shall talk
with you in another Dialect; if not, I shall set my Currs at thee_ (the
Tapster and Hostler) _that shall worry thy gibb’d Catship._ Hearing her
say so, & thinking the passage had been clear, I betook my self to
flight; but running thorow the Entry, I ran my belly directly against
the Tapsters leg, that lay over the bench on which he slept. I ran so
fiercely, that I shoved his head so violently against the board rais’d
at the end of the bench, that I made his neck double; the knock likewise
had like to have turn’d that little brains he had within his head. As
for my own part, I thought that his foot had run quite into my belly,
and that pulling it out he had left his shooe behind. Before I could
rise, I had three or four about me, which I thought would have limbed
me, as boys falling out do their cocks on _Shrove-Tuesday_. At that time
I would have spared them one limb, provided that would have contented
them. But there was no mercy to be had at their hands, especially the
shrill note of their Mistresses perpetually moving Tongue, sounding a
charge in their ears. Being tyred with me, they would be revenged of my
cloaths. They would have stript me (I think stark naked) for my
Reckoning, but that one said, _Let his Cloak suffice_; at which, another
pulled so furiously at it, that miraculously, without rending that thin
transparent garment, he got it all but the cape. In this condition I was
brought before my new Landlady; I asked her what was to pay? _Sirrah_
(said she) _more then thou hast in thy Pocket_; (2 s. 4 d.) As well as I
could speak, I demanded how it came to be so much. _Why_, (said she)
_there is for Beef _1 s._ for Bread _4 d._ six pipes of Tobacco, and
three pots of Ale; all this thou hadst in less then half an hour._ I
would not contradict her, though I knew it was near an hour; I desired
her to keep my Cloak for the reckoning, but durst not threaten her for
her abuse. Being about Hay-making time, I walked out into the Fields,
resolving to spend that night in contemplation. I had now time to
_consider_ the damage I sustained in this skirmish: they had carried
away all my Ribbands with their fingers, otherwise my cloaths received
the least harm. My Nose resembled a black pudding before it is boyled,
and my Eyes were fled into my head for fear of such melancholy meat. My
Cheeks were so puft up with swelling pride, that they were resolved to
close up the portals of my Opticks, that they might not be eye-witnesses
of the height of their ambition. My Ears were so maulled with their
fleshy Hammers, that I heard a peal within my head for joy, I suppose,
that my eyes had taken up their residence within my brains. At last I
felt something about my shoulders; at first I thought it had been the
weight of the blows, but feeling, found it a part of my friend that
still hung about my neck, and would not leave me; which put me in minde
of that faithful Cloak that would never leave its Master, although his
Master had attempted all ways imaginable to leave it. I must needs say,
I loved my Cloak so well, as that it grieved me much to be compelled to
part with it. It had been a servant to servants, ever since the setting
up of the first Billiard-table, whence it deriv’d its Pedegree. Being
deprived of its imployment, and dipossest of its antient habitation, its
heart-strings were ready to break, and being not able to take a nap for
grief, turned changeling. The young man I had it of, told me, that from
the fifteenth successively, it was descended to him: but they were
unworthy to him, that having had his best days, would turn him off in
his extream old age. I have him so fresh in my memory, that I cannot but
condole his loss.

          _Cloak, if I may so call thee, though thou art
          Thus ravish’d from me, don’t abruptly part.
          Thou didst not take distaste, and so art gon,
          Cause once I call’d thee a meer hanger on.
          ’Twas but in jest; for had I now my will,
          I’de have thee for to hang about me still.
          Now I may tax thee justly, for I see
          That now th’art nothing else but levitie;
          Nay when I had thee, scarcely did I know
          Sometimes whether I had thee on or no.
          Thou wert so thin, and light, that some have thought
          Thee made of that same web _Arachne_ wrought,
          And say th’art useless now, unless men put
          Thee like a Cobweb to a finger cut.
          I love thee still, for better and for worse;
          He that divorc’d us, let him have my curse.
          Sure ’twas a red-Nos’d fellow, for I know,
          He coming near, it was but touch and go.
          But let him keep thee, for thou’lt useless be
          To him; thick cloaths suit best with knavery._

Day appearing, I got me a stick out of a hedge, and so walked in
_Querpo_ into the City. I walked up and down, but met with none of my
acquaintance on whom I might fasten on as a _bur_. Noon approaching, my
belly began to Chime, I thought all the meat in _East-cheap_ would not
lay that spirit hunger had raised within me. Coming by a bakers shop, I
pretended to be ignorant of the City, & as I was asking him the way to
such a place, not caring what, I happily secured a penny loaf, which I
carried off undiscovered; I thought it not good to cumber my pocket with
it, wherefore at two bits I gave it my belly to carry. Surely at that
time I had an _Ostriches_ stomack; every thing I put into my mouth,
passed through me like Quick-silver. Going a little farther, I came to
an Ordinary, where I saw two sitting in a lower Room expecting their
meat: I sate me down in the next little box to them. Immediately there
was brought to them powdred Beef and Turnips; the young Man that served
them, came to me, demanding what I would have, I bid him let me alone,
and not speak too loud, for those two which were next me, were my very
good friends, and I would startle them by and by with my unexpected
appearance; at which he left me. Finding my opportunity, I slipt my
hands through a hole, in the form of an heart, which was in the
partition that divided us, and laying hold on the Turnips, I spake
aloud, You hoggs, are ye at the Roots? I will make one among you
instantly, and so brought out my handful; having devoured them in a
trice, I presented my self to their view, and sate down with them:
_Gentlemen_, said I, _excuse my frollick, I am in a merry humour to
day_. They concluded what I said to be a truth, and bad me welcome.
_Nay_, said I, _meat will come instantly as a supply_; and so it had
need, for we made a clear board immediately. Seeing this, they called
the boy, taxing him for sloth, that he did not bring my meat. _Sir_,
said he, _the Gentleman did not order me to bring any_; at which they
frown’d, and began to charge me with incivility. _What are ye angry?_
said I. To which they replied Affirmatively: _If so_, I answered,
(laying my hand upon a full pot of Ale) _I value your anger no more than
the drinking this Pot_, which I swallowed at two gulps, and so bid them
farewel; leaving them to call for another Ordinary.


                               CHAP. XV.

    _How he had like to have been transported, being taken up by
        Kid-napper, vulgarly called a Spirit._

Having satisfied my stomach, I walked along with much more courage than
before; which had been to little purpose, had I not had a stick in my
hand; For there was hardly a dog in the street (which I went through)
that gave me not his _grinning Salutation_, and would when my back was
turned (knowing else I would never have suffered their humility) have
kist my very _heels_, had not my stick prevented their _Snearing
Dog-ships_ mouths. I have wondred often why Doggs will bark so
incessantly at the sight of a Tinker, Pedlar, Tom-a-Bedlam, nay, any
suspitious fellow, till I found it my self by experience, that by
natural instinct they know and hate the scent of a Rogue. My course of
life appeared so idle (by my lazy stalking and gaping this way and that,
sometimes standing still and seriously viewing what deserved not a
minutes observance) that the Beadle took hold on me, telling me it was
great pitty that such a lusty young Man should want imployment, and
therefore would help me to some: but understanding from him that it must
be in _Bridewel_, my leggs failed me, shewing thereby how unwilling they
were to be accessary to the punishment which would be inflicted on my
back: at length by pitiful looks, and many intreaties, I got clear of
him, but fell immediately foul with an evil spirit, or a Seducer of
Persons to the Indies. Well may he be called a Spirit, since his nature
is like the Devils, to seduce any he meets withal, whom he can perswade
with allurements and deluding falsities to his purpose.

After he had asked me many impertinent questions, he invited me to drink
with him; I ingeniously told him I had not a penny, otherwise his motion
would be acceptable to me. At which he cast up his eyes to Heaven, and
laying his hands on his breast, Alas poor young Man, said he, what pitty
it is such a fellow as thou art shouldst want money; which argues thou
art both destitute of friends, and an imployment also. Well, I’le say no
more for the present, but before we part I’le study some way or other
for thy advantage, which I shall do meerly out of commiseration to the
miserableness of thy condition, as also out of respect to thy Father,
whom I am confident I have heretofore known; by the resemblance thou
bearest him in thy Countenance. I could but smile to my self to hear how
this Rascal dissembled; not discovering my thoughts, I willingly went
with him to drink, resolving to see what the event would be; after he
had paused a while, Well, said he, I have found it.

There is a _Merchant_ an intimate friend of mine that wants a
Store-house-keeper; Now if you can cast accompts ever so indifferently,
you shall find entertainment from him, and 40 _l._ _per annum_ for
encouragement. I told him that I joyfully accepted his kind proffer, and
that I should refer my self to be disposed of as he should think fit.
With that he imbraced me, saying, within two days I should go aboard the
Ship where the Merchant was, who would go along with me to _Virginia_
(where he pretended the Merchants Plantation lay) in the mean time, you
shall go along with me to my house, where you shall be, and shall
receive from me what your necessities require. I had heard before, how
several had been served in this kind, so that being forewarned, I was
fore-armed: _premonitus, premunitus_. He carried me away presently to
_Wapping_, and housed me. To the intent he might oblige me to be his, he
behaved himself extraordinary friendly; and that he might let me see
that he made no distinction between me and his other friends, he brought
me into a Room where half a score were all taking Tobacco: the place was
so narrow wherein they were, that they had no more space left, than what
was for the standing of a small table. Methought their mouths together
resembled a stack of Chimneys, being in a manner totally obscured by the
smoak that came from them; for there was little discernable but smoak,
and the glowing coals of their pipes. Certainly the smell of this Room
would have out-done _Assa Fœtida_, or burned Feathers in the Cure of
Ladies troubled with the Fits of the Mother. As to the sight, the place
resembled Hell, so did it likewise as to its scent, compounded of the
perfume of stinking Tobacco and Tarpawlin. So that I concluded the
resemblance most proper.

         _In Hell damn’d souls, fire, smoak, and stink appear.
         Then this is Hell, for those four things were here._

I was seated between two, lest I should give them to slip.

After I had been there awhile, the Cloud of their smoak was somewhat
dissipated, so that I could discern two more in my own condemnation: but
alas poor Sheep, they ne’re considered where they were going, it was
enough for them to be freed from a seven years Apprenticeship, under the
Tyranny of a rigid Master (as they judged it, coming but lately from
sucking the breasts of a too indulgent Mother) and not weighing (as I
know not how they should) the slavery they must undergo for five years,
amongst Brutes in foreign parts, little inferior to that which they
suffer who are _Gally-slaves_. There was little discourse amongst them,
but the pleasantness of the soyl of that Continent we were designed for,
(out of a design to make us swallow their gilded Pills of Ruine) & the
temperature of the Air, the plenty of Fowl and Fish of all sorts; the
little labour that is performed or expected having so little trouble in
it, that it rather may be accounted a pastime than any thing of
punishment; and then to sweeten us on the farther, they insisted on the
pliant loving natures of the Women there; all which they used as baits
to catch us silly Gudgeons. As for my own part, I said but little but
what tended to the approbation of what they said.

                  *       *       *       *       *

For all my aim (as I related before) was to understand the drift of this
Rogue, and then endeavour to get what I could from him. By this time
supper was talkt of by our Masters; so choice they were in their dyet,
that they could not agree what to have. At last one stands up, and
proclaiming silence, said, that a Dish of Bruiss was the most _Princely
Dish_ of any. And to tell you truly, by his looks, I thought he had been
begot just as his Mother had put a Sop into her mouth, of that
Stomach-murdering stuff, the grease running about her chops, which
pleasing her fancy, struck so deep an impression in the imagination upon
her conception, that the face of that thing she brought forth, lookt
much like a _Toast_ soaking in a Cooks _Dripping-pan_.

That he might perswade the rest this way to indulge his appetite, he
added farther, that it was a Dish would not be expensive, and soon
ready. My Landlady to back him on, said, she had some skimmings of the
pot, which she had been collecting these three moneths, some whereof she
questioned not but to procure, and let her alone to order it so, that we
should say we never had a better Dish aboard in our lives.

Another contradicting him, preferred a bowl of Pease-pottage before the
cheifest meat whatever, that he could never look into the pot and see
them boyl round, but that his heart leapt within him, and kept time with
their motion. My master (that was their Senior) scorned to be controlled
in his fancy; and therefore positively determined to have some _Poor
John_, swearing that the _Great Mogul_ did eat nothing else thrice a
week, and that _Atabalipa_ (that Indian King whom _Cortez_ conquered)
caused a sacrifice every day to be made of them to his Idol, commanding
them to be laid on an _Altar_ made of some coals of fire, then the fat
of some beast rubbed thereon, (because they had no Butter) and so
presented to the _Idol_, afterwards to the King, which he did eat with
inexpressible satisfaction. Order was given that this delicate fare
should be provided. Though they did _beat_ it most _unmercifully_, yet
it would not _yield_, resolving rather to be _broken_ in _peices_, then
to become unlike its _Masters_ heart, or shew any thing of a _tender
nature_. There was one allotted me for my proportion, which I used as
they had done, laying it on the coals a little while, and so committing
it to my teeths disposal, I never found till now that my teeth could be
thus shamefully baffled. They made several assaults upon it to little
purpose. My teeth at length fearing a total conquest, desperately and
inragedly seiz’d on the thinnest and weakest part, and holding it as
fast as a Vice, at last in the conflict overpowered one small fleak, but
not being able to stay the swift backward motion of my head, the hinder
part thereof (the seat of Memory) flew so violently against the wall,
that I not only instantly forgot what I was doing, where I was, but the
pain then I sustained by the knock. Strong-water they poured down my
Throat to revive me, but there was nothing did sooner fetch me than a
small fleak of the _Poor John_, which sticking in my Throat had well
nigh choaked me, which caused a strugling, and summoned the spirits
together to oppose what might be destructive to Nature.

Now did I really imagine my self at Sea, where, for want of provision, I
was forced to feed on _Cordage_, or the _Ship sides_. Had this poor
creature been ground _small_, I might have made as hard a shift to have
swallowed it, as those Sea-men did the _Saw-dust_ of deal boards coming
from _Norway_, and destitute of other food. That night I slept but
little, neither could I, had I swallowed _Opium_ for that purpose, for
the innumerable quantity of _Buggs_ (as some call them) that had
_invaded_ my body; being weary (as I suppose) of inhabiting any longer
the _dry mansion_ of that old rotten Bedsted on which I lay. In the
morning I found the _ruines_ of a Looking-glass in the window, which I
took up to discover what _knots_ or nodes those were I felt orespreading
my face. The sight whereof struck into me a Pannick fear, verily
believing I had been infected with a spotted Feaver.

I began to curse the bed and sheets, imagining the Contagion proceeded
from them; to be satisfied herein, I drew aside at the beds feet the
Curtain (that is to say, part of a Tilt) pinned there to keep the wind
off, which otherwise would have fanned us to death, coming in so
furiously through the Port-cullise of the window: (for glass there was
little). At first sight I questioned whether I was not lately risen from
the Dead, since there was visibly before my Eyes, the black Cloath that
covered my Herse. Had not we gone to bed without a Candle over-night, I
should sooner have chosen a bulk than this bed to lye on. It might have
been a good _Quære_, whether those sheets had ever been washt since
their weaving, and continually since imployed by Whores and Bawds,
successively, to sweat out their Contagious humours, and matter
proceeding from their ulcerated Bodies.

My pretended friend perceiving my amazement, bid me be of good courage,
for those marks in my face, were only occasioned by a _stinging sort of
Vermine_, who seldome meddle with such as are accustomed to them, only
giving their welcome to such as were _New-comers_. I took these
sufferings as patiently as I could; but thinking it was an ill coming
for me to either of them; and it should not be long before I would take
my _farewell_. We had scarce breakfasted, before a Messenger came into
the room, and with much seeming respect pretended to deliver a Message
to my friend. I ghessed it was to inform him how the Tyde served, and so
it proved. My friend told me we must be gone instantly, for the Merchant
attended my coming: Wherefore we presently went down to the staires to
take Boat: by the way he told me, that he would go with me in the same
Ship, and take as much care of me as he would of his own Son, whom I
understood afterwards he had too sure, above a year since stoln away,
and sold him as a slave. One while I thought to have ran for it, another
time I thought to have cryed out, a _Spirit_, a _Spirit_, but that the
thought of the Water-men being his Accomplices, deterred me. I was at my
wits end, not knowing what to do. Coming into the Boat, being now
destitute of all relief, I asked him according to his former pretence,
whether he resolved to go to Sea with me? yes, replyed he, I question,
Sir, (said I) whether you ever told a truth in your life, but I am
resolved you shall now; and with that I flung my self with him
over-board. Those which were in the Boat, immediately endeavoured at our
rising to pull us up into the Boat: But I clapping my hands
unfortunately on the side of the Boat on which they within leaned,
overturned it upon me. The first thought this accident produced in me,
was that a Whale had swallowed me, and that I was in the dark concave of
his belly: or that Death had arrested me, and clapped me up a close
prisoner for my sins, in Hell’s deep and black Dungeon. But by the
industry and expedition of many Water-men, eye-witnesses of this
passage, (which had like to have proved Tragical) the Boat was
recovered, and I the first person taken up and set on shore.

                _Multorum manibus grande levatur onus._

Many hands make light work. I ne’er staid to see what was become of my
good Friend, (a Pox take him) but with what speed I could, attended with
a great number of little _hooping Owlets_ (I mean the young fry of
Scullars) I secured my self from this _Anthropopola_, or Man-seller: A
charitable woman seeing me in this _pickle_, (for it was Salt water,
which my _Sous’d guts_ may testifie if they please, in their grumbling
manner of _speaking_) told me that she would entertain me till to
morrow. This was the greatest _Cordial_ could be applied to this
_cross_; and without many Complements, I thanked her for her great love.
Now because she saw what condition I was in, she immediately put me to

                               CHAP. XVI.

    _How under the pretence of begging, he stole a Cloak, and
        with that went to a Gaming Ordinary; what a bold
        Adventure he made there, and the success thereof._

Parting from this good Woman, I began to think that the Art of stealing
might be reckoned amongst the liberal Sciences; for though it may be
called an _Handicraft_, yet it cannot be looked on as _Mechanick_. This
is the _Art_, the right Practice whereof is the true _Philosopher’s
stone_, the _Elixer_ of life; with which many turn _Poyson_ into
_Medicine_, coarse cloath into cloath of Gold, hunger into fulness and
satiety, convert rags into Sattins, and all this done by a quick wit,
and slight of hand.

The Antiquity and Dignity of this Profession, I shall relate elsewhere,
and shall proceed on in my Adventures.

The Evening or Twilight being come, I chanced to look in at a door, and
perceiving none at hand, I went in boldly, resolving if I met any to beg
an Almes of them, having before premeditated what I had to say, _viz._,
that I was a poor distressed young Gentleman, my Father, Mother, nay,
all my Relations I knew, being dead, and that not knowing what to do,
was forced (under the Covert of the night) to beseech the assistance of
charitable minded persons. But in my way found none that should occasion
my using this form.

I found in the Parlor a good Camlet-cloak, which I made bold to put on,
and so very gravely walked out of the house; but coming to the door, you
must think there was _Wild-fire_ in my breech, that hastned me out of
the street. Being gotten a Bow-shot off I thought my self indifferent
secure, so that I slackned my pace, but could not (if my Life lay on it)
forbear looking this way, that way, sometimes over one shoulder,
sometimes over the other: thinking of what dangerous consequence this
might prove. I resolved to walk more confidently, and not let my eyes
discover any thing of fear, by reason of guilt. This loose garment had
so of a sudden Metamorphosed those thoughts I had of my self but a
little before, my eye being continually on my Cloak, I could not conceit
my self less then the best of the young Templers, that walk the Streets
to show themselves: coming into _Bell-yard_, I observed several Gallants
go into an House, and others to come out, which put me to the curiosity
of enquiring, what, or whose House it was: Who told me it was a Gaming
Ordinary. Nay, then (thought I) it is as free for me to enter as others;
and so went in. I looked on a while, but my fingers itched to be at it.
Why, thought I, have I not adventured a _Gaol_, a _Whipping_, or an
_Hanging_, and shall I now fear a _Kicking_, a _Pumping_, or a
_Bog-house_? These considerations made me resolutely take up the Box,
and I threw a Main, which was 7: a great deal of money was presently set
me, I knew it was but to little purpose to baulk them, so that
confidently I threw at all, which I nicked with eleven, and so continued
holding seven hands together. Perceiving I had got a considerable
quantity of money, and fearing I might loose that which I had so boldly
adventured for, I thanked my propitious Stars and the Gentlemen, who had
rather lose their money than suspect any that hath the Garb of one well
Extracted; and so bade them good night. A priviledge too many _Skarking
Ubiquitarians_ use without interruption, being most commonly in use with
the _Waiters_ and _Box-keepers_, who will be sure to speak in the behalf
of such confident Cheats; if they lose, pretending great knowledge of
them, that they are men of repute, civil and responsible; which
frequently so prevails upon a _Mouth_, that he hath not a _word_ to say
more. Questionless Ordinaries were first impartially founded,
interdicting all play but which was upon the _Square_; but since, by the
connivance of the _Box-keepers_, when the Table grows thin, and few at
it, let the stranger beware: for the _Box-keeper_ shall walk off,
pretending some speedy dispatch of a business concerning the _House of
Office_, _&c._ whilst your Antagonist shall put the change upon you, or
make use of his own _Jack-in-a-box_, and then had you 500 _l._ (would
you set like a _Gamester_) he will have it to a penny in a short while:
with whom the _Waiter_ goes snips. If at any time such they know want an
_High flyer_, _&c._ they know how and when to supply him.

Full fraught with this good fortune, and so laden I was ready to sink, I
resolved to moor my Vessel in the next Harbour. The Landlord whence I
came, was very loath to entertain me, his lodger having served him a
scurvy trick the night before, conveying out of the window, the
Furniture of a room that cost him 40 _l._ besides a great silver
Tankerd, which the Gentleman would have filled with stale Beer and
Sugar, to stand by his bed-side all night, pretending it was his
custome. But I desiring him to lay up a parcel of money for me till the
next morning, quite put out the eye of his Jealousie. I shewed my self
that night very exceeding noble, concealing my success at play, that he
might conclude the greatness of my expence proceeded from the nobleness
of my nature, having a good estate to back it. I was conducted to bed
with many Ceremonies, and abundance of respect. Sleep I could not, for
thinking how to dispose of my self.

I had experimented the various exigences and extremities an unsetled
condition is accompanied withall; and knowing how securely I could
purloin from my Master, if I would moderate my theft, I concluded to
supplicate my Master by a Letter for my reception into his service, not
forgetting my Mistresses _quondam_ kindnesses. If my Master should
refuse to re-entertain me, I had by me what might supply my necessities,
till I had re-considered how to improve my stock, or bestow my self. Not
to delay time, the next day I wrote him this Letter.


    _Having seriously considered the greatness of my folly in
    running from so good a Master, (whom I may more rightly intitle
    Father) with tears I beg mercy from Heaven, and forgiveness from
    you. Mitigate my offence by revolving in your mind the fewness
    of my years, which makes me (as it doth most others) prone to
    rambling fancies: look then favourably on my long absence from
    you, as a meer exiliency, a youthful elapse, which maturity of
    age may rectifie. If you can forgive my follies, I will study to
    forget them, and daily endeavour the propagation of my fidelity
    in the remainder of my time. By the Bearer hereof you may
    signifie your pleasure._

                                             _Sir, I am_

                                             Your cordially penitent
                                             Servant, _&c._

With much joy my Master read this Letter, and hastened the Bearer away
to bring me to him. Having converted my silver into Gold, sowing it in
my Collar and Wastband, and putting my self into a Garb convenient for
his sight, I went to him.

                              CHAP. XVII.

    _His Master sheweth him more kindness than formerly; the ill
        requital he made him, by Cuckolding him: an accident
        that fell out thereupon, which produced two remarkable
        stories, deduced from the strength of Imagination._

My Master upon my reception, told me he had freely forgiven me, and if
that I would henceforward endeavour the prosecution of a more regular
course of life, he would forget too my past follies. I promised him more
then the strictest Zelot ever yet did, and begged him pardon aforehand,
if he found a defect in performance.

As my expressions gave my Master much content, so my return (I perceived
by my Mistresses eyes) gave her the greatest satisfaction. My Master
began to doat on me again, seeing I daily trebled my diligence, and so
active I was in every thing that concerned his affairs, that it was hard
for any to anticipate me in my intention.

This gained so much upon his facile good Nature, that I had liberty to
wear my Hat, and sit at Table with him, neither would he command me any
thing servile. I had (as formerly) the same sollicitations from my
_Brother Snippers_; but fearing least one time or another I might be
snapt by the timerous nature of some, who, if once taxt, will confess,
not only as to themselves, but likewise detect the whole knot of a
_Brother-hood_; I resolved to have no more to do with them, but would
snip securely by my self, knowing, that in any secret design, if many
are concerned, their business cannot be long kept private. Wherein by
the way, I cannot but commend the craft and policy (though I absolutely
disclaim the actions) of modern Padders, whose providence instructed
them to rob singly, by which means their booty came to them intire
without distribution, or if apprehended (as it was very rare) they knew
how to make a better plea for themselves in a Court of Judicature. I now
kept close to my business, not harbouring the least temptation to any
extravagancy, and had sequestred my self from what might render me
publickly notorious, and only studied by what means I might raise my
Fortune, intending to build my future estate upon the ruines of other
men: having nothing of mine own but my late purchase at play, my only
way was (as I thought by some’s success therein) to make the world
believe I was really reformed, and so create to my self a credit,
whereas I was only a _Devil_ converted to an _Angel_ of _light_, or a
_Woolf_ in _Sheeps-cloaths_. Now did I begin to _cant_ religiously, and
not omit one Sabbath wherein I did not take Sermon-Notes, judging this
religious cloak to be the best expedient, to screw my self farther into
my Mistresses favour, who doted on _Morning Exercises_, and monethly
_Fasts_. If my Master had forgot to do the _duty_ of the day, I would
with much respect put him in mind of the neglect, desiring that I might
repeat what had been delivered. As they looked upon my conversion more
miraculous then that of _St. Paul_, so they gave me the greatest
incouragement, least like _weak Women_, I might prove a back-slider.
There were few private meetings my Mistress heard of, but, by the leave
of my Master, I must conduct her to them, which were as many portents of
our private meetings afterwards, where _Venus_ should appoint.

I am sorry that I am so uncharitable as to say that the _zeal_ of her
_Spirit_ was not so hot as that of her flesh. Every day I had some
remark of her love, which I received with much submissive respects,
pretending I understood not her meaning, which added but fewel to the
blazing flame of love within her. I could not be ignorant, that since
she began to court me, she would prosecute it to the end. Her courtship
me-thought was very preposterous; she might have first received the
charge from me, and by that means she would have found me prepared,
whereas otherwise she might have been deceived in her expectation.

My Mistriss gave me so many opportunities, and signified her desires by
so many tokens and dumb expressions, that I began to condemn my fears,
which rendred me unworthy of her favours. The besieger deserves not the
honour of possessing that City, whose Gates are freely opened to him,
yet dares not enter. Whilst I was thus ruminating, my Mistriss came to
the Counting-house where I was writing; and leaning upon my shoulder,
asked me what I was doing: I told her nothing but writing. _Nothing_, I
believe said she, nor never will do _any thing_, but draw up blanks, and
so abruptly left me. She knew the quickness of my apprehension, and so
left the interpretation hereof to my own construction.

Not long after, (thinking her words had left a deep impression, as they
did) and withall concluding I would give her the sence of them, when I
had an opportunity; She informs my Master that she had a great desire to
visit a Gentlewoman she had not seen a long time, and requested that her
man _Thomas_ (for that was my name) might wait on her: to which he
assented. Though I _led her_, yet I wondered were she _led me_, through
one street into another till we arrived at the water-side. She bid me
call for a pair of Oars, which I accordingly did. The Watermen were very
inquisitive according to their custome, to know whither we intended.
Well, well, said she, put off, and then it will be time enough for you
to understand. Said she, Row us up to Fox-hall. I for my part was
somewhat amazed, yet I partly guessed what she drove at. I kept at a
distance, shewing her the respect of a servant; which she taking notice
of, laughed, saying, Come Cuz, why dost not sit neerer? to which I
replyed as familiarly (for by this time I had much improved the stock of
my confidence) I were best to sit a little neerer you, since I shall be
the best expedient to ballance the Boat even, or trim it, for you are
but _light on your side_. This expression I doubt nettled her, for
presently thereupon she shot a piercing dart from her eye, (which I
fancied to have penetrated my very soul) How now Cuz, said she, I
thought you had a better opinion of me; I understand the Riddle, Your
expressions may be very _dark_ to some, however I have too much _light_
in it. I would have made an Apology for my self, but that she hindred me
by whispering me in the ear, to this effect, that if she was _light_,
there was no other cause but my self, and that if I abused her love any
longer, she would sit the heavier on my skirts. Landing, we went
streight to Spring-Garden; by the way she told me, I must lay aside all
formality, and for the better carrying on the design we went upon, she
would have me as afore assume the title of Cuz. We were conducted into
an obscure bower, I suppose one of _Lovels Chapels of ease_, where,
without a _Clew_, it would be hard for any to find us. There was not any
thing wanting that might delight the Appetite, which with much freedom
we enjoyed together.

Now, said my Mistress, I shall take off the veil of my modesty, and
discover to thee the very naked secrets of my heart. The first time that
ever I saw thee, I had more than a common respect to thee, and there was
not a time since, wherein I had the sight of thee, but that it added new
fewel to the flame of my affection: I used all possible means to smother
or blast it in the bud, but could not; I summoned my reason to confute
my passion, and notwithstanding I alledged that there was a
disproportion in our age, and unsuitableness as to our condition, and
lastly how great a strain it would be to my religious profession; yet
Love got the Victory over these, and would have been too strong for ten
times as many; the rest she supplyed with kisses, which were infinite.

Having gained a little breath, and she again having lent me the use and
_disposal_ of my own mouth, I returned to this her amorous Oration,
something suitable to it by way of retaliation; Protesting with
invocations, that since she had so compleated my happiness by her love,
I would perish before I would be guilty of the least abuse therein.

That had it not been for the sense of my unworthiness, and fear of
hazarding her love, and so gained her displeasure, no other difficulty
should have deterred me from declaring, and discovering what she had
prevented me in; adding, that where the quintessence of all loves
contracted into one body, it could not equallize mine. Come, said she,
let us leave off talking in such idle phrases, let future constancy make
apparent the reallity of our affections, and let us not loose any time
wherein we may mutually enjoy each other. It is but a folly for me now
to mince the matter, or by my coldness endeavour to recongeal that water
where the ice is too visibly broken and thaw’d. Yet let not your
prudence be questioned, or reason forfeited, in making any unhandsome
advantage of this my freedom. But above all, blast not my reputation by
the unsavory breath of any ostentatious boasting of a Gentlewomans
favours, nor let not my love cause any slighting or disrespect in you to
your Master; neither let it so puffe you up with pride, as to contemn
your fellow-servants. In company, shew much more reverence to me than
formerly. In private, when none sees us but our selves, be as familiar
and free as actions can demonstrate. Be constant to me alone, for true
love will not admit of plurality. Be secret and silent, and follow not
the common practise of vain-glorious Fools, that in requital of those
favours they have received in private of some credulous Female, will
make their braggs of them in publick. As if it were not enough for them
to rob them of their Chastities, but must likewise murther their
Reputations. Have a special care you slight me not, (as some squeamish
or curious Stomacks use feeding too long on one sort of Food, though
never so delicious) for a Womans love dispised will turn into extreme
hatred, and will be ever restless till malice and revenge have consulted
with Invention, how to be more than even with the slighting Injurer. She
propounded more Articles, which I have forgot now, but I remember I
sealed them without a _witness_. We made an end of our business for that
time, with much expedition, to the intent the tediousness of our staying
might not be suspected by the ignorant _Cuckold_ at home: I have reason
now for so calling him.

Coming home, I applyed my self to the business of the Shop as before,
enjoyning my eyes a severe pennance, not so much as to look towards that
Object they so dearly loved. According to my usual time I went to Bed,
but sleep I could not, for thinking on what I had done. About one a
clock I was much startled, to hear something come into my Chamber; but
before I could give my eyes the liberty for a discovery, my Mistress had
gotten within the sheets, and not daring to speak, because my Master lay
in the next room, most commonly by himself, and her chamber was the next
to that, (and in a Trundle-bed underneath my Mistress’s bed lay the
Maid.) Neer upon day-break my sweet Bed-fellow left me, at an unhappy
time, for then was my Master awake, which might have ruined us both,
which had so faln out, had he been resolute or couragious; but on the
contrary, exceeding timerous, but more especially, childishly afraid of
the supposed walking of Spirits: For hearing the boards crack twice or
thrice, with the weight of her body; besides, by the help of Starlight,
perceiving something to move all in white, he shrunk underneath the
cloaths, not daring to put out his head; now did his imagination work as
_strongly_ almost as his _Breech_, suggesting strange and ridiculous
things to his fancy. But I shall give him leave to tell his own story. A
little after it was day, being almost stifled for want of fresh Air, and
choak’d with the stink that was in the Bed, he boldly & valiantly put
his head out of the coverlid, and after he had thrice exorcis’d the
Devil, or the supposed evil Spirit, with avoid _Satan_, repeating as
often that Scriptural Sentence, _Resist the Devil and he will flye from
thee_: He called out as loud as he might for me to come to him. I leapt
out of Bed, and ran to him, asking him what was the matter: O _Thomas_,
said he, light a Candle quickly; I running in haste to light the Candle,
fell (by mistaking the first step) down the stairs, which made a
terrible noise: my Master hearing me, cry’d out, (saying, O God, what
will become of me?) thinking the Devil indeed had mistook me for
himself, and that he was horsing me on his back to carry me away; with
that he fell to prayer so fervently loud, that up starts the Mistress,
and the Maids, running to know what was the matter: fear had so
possessed him, that he could not be perswaded, but that they were some
of the Devilish crew.

At first they thought him to be fallen mad; but finding out the cause of
this distraction, with much ado my Mistress made him sensible of his
mistake. Being fully assured, that they were not (yet) damned Spirits,
he relates what he had seen, in this manner: My Mistress afterwards told
me, that had it not been for laughing, which so busied her, that her
sense of smelling for that time had left her, she could never have
endured to hear him out, for that notorious stink, which came from the
Bed, when he stirred ever so little.

I wonder’d, said he, that contrary to my usual custom, I awak’d about
four a clock, whereas I used to sleep soundly, thou knowest till eight.
I hearkned, at first I perceived onely the boards to crack, but
presently after I heard chains rattle, and the stools flung about the
room, the bed, and I in it, _danced_ up and down, as if a _Scotch
Bagpipe_ had been plaid upon by a _Northern Witch_, and the Devil the
while had Danced with me, and the Bed a Morrice, (supplying the
_Bellows_ with wind.) Sometimes they pull’d me out of Bed, and laid me
on the cold floor, and then tost me in again like a _Dog in a Blanket_.

Hearing no noise, I attempted to peep out; but scarcely had mine eyes
recovered the top of the Bed-cloths, when I saw standing by me, a
composition of meer bones, with a shrowd thrown over his shoulders, like
an _Irish Brachin_, or a _Scotch Pladd_, with a light Taper in one hand
(I knew not what use he could make of it, for there were only _holes_ in
his head instead of eyes) and an Hour-glass in the other: he grinn’d at
me with his teeth, (for he had no lips) and shaking his chains left me,
which sight so terrified me, that I had like to have shot out (like a
_Pudding_ in a _Bag_) all that was within me. My Mistresse had like to
have broken out into extreme laughter, had not the consideration of
danger (that might have ensued thereon) hindred her.

After this, it was a long time before he would be perswaded to lie in
that Chamber again, which made me curse his strong conceit, for by this
means he would lye with his wife, which interrupted our sweet venereal
pastime. As for my part, I believed he would never have return’d to his
own chamber again, for he trembled when he past through it in the day
time; and if alone, he would so thunder down the stairs (fear giving
wings to his feet) as if (_Vulcan_-like) he had been sent by _Jupiter
head-long_ in a message.

Another accident (hapning not long after) cur’d him in part of his
ridiculous belief, grounded on nothing else but fancy: In the Sellar, on
a certain beam that went crosse, there were great quantity of
Tenter-hooks placed there, some to hang meat on, others of a smaller
sort for other uses. Our Cat being somewhat ravenous, was following the
scent, and had gotten upon the Beam; her foremost feet slipping, she was
strangely caught by the tail, and not able to recover her self: Being
terribly pained by the hook, she made a most hideous noise, which made
our Dog fall a howling. This strange din first approached my Masters
ears, who awaking my Mistress, asked her now whether she would believe
her own ears. At first she confest to me, she knew not what to think,
her conscience being yet tender (which having no long time accustomed
her self to sin, was not hardned and fear’d up) put her in mind of what
she had lately committed, so that she had like to have concluded that it
was _Satan_ was sent to _buffet_ her; But she having a martial spirit,
and not easily daunted, she hearkned further, and then judg’d that
Thieves had broken into the house.

My Master all this while was _breathing his last at both ends_, whilest
my Mistress leap’d out of Bed, and came to my Chamber door, bidding me
in all haste to rise, for there were Thieves in the house. I confess I
had no great mind to be kill’d, and therefore I was in no great haste to
rise, sometimes buttoning my Doublet, and anon unbuttoning it again;
perceiving that I delaid, she came again, taxing me with Cowardise, and
meanness of Spirit, which put new life into me, making me to resolve to
adventure my life, rather than hazard the loss of her good opinion.

Finding my Mistress in her smock, I thought it a shame for me to have
any cloaths on; and so naked as I was, we march’d on. Coming to the
Stairhead, my fancy troubled me a little too, for the noise had so
amaz’d me, that I would fain have my Mistress to go first; she could not
forbear laughing, to observe how complemental and ceremonious at that
time I was. Having scattered my fear by resolution, How do I abuse
myself, said I, and with that boldly went on.

By this time a light was produced, and then those Bug-bear thoughts
which darkness possesseth the fancy withal, began to vanish. There was
not a hole big enough to contain a man, but what I _prob’d_. Descending
the Cellar-stairs, I there plainly saw the Original cause of our fear
and distraction, hanging by the tail. I called my Mistress to the sight,
and now the Maids too would be Spectators, understanding the danger to
be overpast.

Well, the general vote was, that the Cat should be carried up stairs to
our Master, and shew him the _wound in his Tail_, for evidence to prove
his guilt in being seduced by _fancy_.

He hearing some come up, thought we were all destroyed, and that they
were coming up to dispatch him too: Wherefore he cryed out, _Save my
Life, and take all I have_. His wife (not to encrease his perplexity)
bid him quiet himself, there was no harm, nor any like to be done; and
withal so convinced him of his folly, both past and present, that he had
not a word to say in his own defence; he enjoyning us all silence, we
were dismiss’d.

The next night, to show how much he was altered from his former temper
and belief, he did lye in his Chamber aforesaid, supposedly haunted, and
that same night with much joy, my Mistress and I renewed our pleasures.

                              CHAP. XVIII.

    _How his Mistress supplyed him with money, even to
        superfluity; what wayes he had to spend it. He is
        tempted to destruction by Correctors, (_alias_)
        Clippers, and Coyners (_alias_) Matter-men._

I Found my Estate to encrease abundantly, for I was half sharer my self
with my Master; my Mistress she put in for one too, which I had
likewise; so that the good man received but the _fourth_. I had been
(since my return) very sparing in my expence, having laid up my money
securely: But now finding out another _rich Mine_, I thought I should be
too rich, unless I contrived wayes to _draw out_, as well as _put in_.

In the first place, I thought good to buy a brace of good Geldings, for
by that means I could meet whom I pleas’d, though a dozen or sixteen
miles distance, and so by the quickness of return come home
undiscover’d. If occasion should serve, they might very well serve for
the _High Pad_. These I bought, and where they stood, I had four or five
several suits, either to Ride withal, (using variety that I might pass
_incognito_) or to wear when I did intend to appear splendidly to
peculiar friends; and then the Prodigal himself did not spend his money
more profusely than my self.

I judge it unnecessary to relate how, and in what manner I disburst
great sums, since there are few that are addicted to pleasure, and have
money, but know how to lay it out to the satisfaction of their desires,
that is, to please all their senses. My Mistress seldome saw a piece of
Gold in her Husbands hands, or some large and great piece of Silver, but
she would be begging it of him, for no other intents but to give it me;
which she took delight in, withal, knowing that frequent presents very
much ingage the affection.

My Master seldom denyed her, (for like a Cuckold he doted on his Wife)
but if he did, she would take pet, and would not eat, have the forehead
bound down with a cross-cloth, look pitifully, and the like. If he askt
her what she ailed, or what she was troubled at, she would say, at
nothing more than your unkindness, and then weep bitterly: for, like a
right _Hypocrite_, she had _tears at command_. The _Dotard_ would _melt_
too, sometimes the great Calf crying and sobbing, like a child that hath
lost his Bread and Butter: Then to make his atonement, he must procure
her two or three pieces, if he hath them not in the house; otherwise it
shall cost him as much more wealth on the Doctor, of whom she would
often pretend to take Physick, but it should be only rich _Cordials_,
_strengthning Jellies_, with such like _Provocations_ to _Venery_.

For my own part, I was not idle in the mean time, laying up like the
careful Bee for Winter. We returned great sums of money every day, which
an acquaintance of mine knew very well; and he being dayly in the
company of a fellow, who was both Coyner and Clipper, it seems a decayed
Goldsmith, undone by the study of Chymistry, but now lived by some
particular part thereof, as the transmutation of Metal, or so forth.

This man he informs that he knew a young Casheer, that he thought he
could work to their purpose, who was very well qualified for it. An
appointed time for meeting was agreed upon between them, which was made
known to me: I thought of no other design but to be merry. Being met, we
drank stifly, but ever and anon the stranger would beseech me to favour
him with my future acquaintance, that he should think himself very
happy, if I would admit him into a familiarity. I could do no less than
promise so much, and so laying aside ceremonies, we entered into a very
familiar discourse. But for that night there was nothing propounded,
neither was it thought convenient: several times we met, (not without
great expence) so that now we were grown intimately acquainted. Our
discourse hapned on a time to be about Chymystry, I was forced to be
mute, as not understanding any thing thereof; yet I could not but
admire, to hear my new friend relate what admirable Rarities he could
perform in that mysterious Art, and thereupon shew’d me a piece of Gold,
demanding my opinion what I thought of it? I told him I could judge no
less, but that it was what it seemed to be; he smilingly reply’d, No
wonder that this should deceive you, since it will do the like to the
most critical Goldsmith about the Town: No doubt, said he, you have
heard of the Philosophers Stone, and what vast Estates some have
mis-spent in the search thereof, how ineffectual the labour of such hath
been, the miserableness of their condition makes apparent. Others, and
not a few, have pretended they have obtain’d the mastery thereof, for no
other intent then to delude some wealthy credulous person, making some
ridiculous experiments to confirm his belief, and at last extract him to
the very lees of his Estate. I shall not deludingly pretend to any
thing, but what I will perform, which your own eyes shall attest.
Hereupon he shew’d me various pieces, both Gold and Silver, which are
the effects (said he) of my own labour and pains, imployed in an Art I
have found out by the curious search and industry of my brain, with
which I can convert Copper into that Metal which current money is
composed of, either of which, according to the Tincture I shall give it.
And to be plainer with you, out of that great love I have born ever
since I first saw you, and that my actions shall make it apparent, see
here this piece, according to the term of Art given, it is called a
_black Dog_, with _Queen Elizabeths Head_ thereon, which is only Pewter
double washed. This here is a _George plateroon_, being all Copper
within, and only a thin Plate about it. Another called _Compositum_,
which is a mixt Metal, and will both touch and cut, but will not endure
the fiery test. He gave me the sight likewise of Pieces of _Eight_,
_half pieces_ and _quarter pieces_. Then again (said he) our own Coyn we
usually call _English_ Cloth, the other _Spanish_; the prices whereof
are several, according to their goodness and fineness: The best you may
have for 15 _sh._ the yard, _i. e._ five shillings in the pound profit;
the worser for eight, ten, or more.

Now to the intent that I may compleat your happiness here, if enjoyment
of Wealth will do it, I would advise you to take some of every sort, and
so mingle it with the rest of your good cash, proportionably to the sum.
Let me add one thing more, if any large money comes to your hand, lay it
aside for me, which after I have corrected a little, (for _broad brim’d
Hats are not now in fashion_) I will return it, allowing you 18 pence
per pound interest.

I gave him all this while great attention, without the least
interruption; but he here making a stop, I thought he expected my
replication; which was to this effect, That I thankt him cordially for
his respects, which I believed were real, having used that freedom with
me, that I did not in the least question the greatness of profit that
would redound by the acceptance of his proffer; but it being a matter of
the greatest consequence, and highest concern, I desired I might have
some time for consideration. This answer made him look blank, fearing
lest I made a demur only to betray him, so that I saw by his
countenance, he wisht he had been more sparing in his expressions. I
must needs confess, I trembled all the time I was in his company,
wherefore I made all the haste I could to be gone, giving him to
understand, that after serious consultation with my self, I would send
him an answer by my friend, and so I took my leave of him. The whole
night following I spent in weighing his Proposals in the ballance of
profit and preservation: I quickly found that Life’s preservation
outweigh’d all other interest, and that honour, riches, and pleasure
would avail little to that man that was riding _Post_ to the _Gallows_.
Besides, how could I expect to escape better than others, who were
frequently made wretched spectacles of rash imprudence and folly, who,
having forfeited the Kings high and just displeasure, did usually betray
their own selves to the Severity of the Law in that case; which hath as
little Commiseration on such as on the worst of Offendors? Though I had
committed several things that might come within the verge of an
Indictment, yet I always shunned such actions as bore the inscription in
their front, _Memento mori_. To be as good as my promise, I sent my
Chimist these consequent Lines.

            You seemingly do proffer fair, but know,
            Hanging attends such kindnesses you show.
            The hope of profit tempts me; loss of life
            O’repow’rs perswasions, and so ends the strife.
            Had I two Lives, my deeds should make it known,
            How little I would care to hazard one;
            But having solely one, I will not try
            Its loss; _as yet I have no mind to dye_.
            Should we proceed then, and be taken in it;
            Death and damnation seize us in a minute.
            Cease then, and let your fancy’s suit with mine,
            We’l plot no _Treason_, but to get good _Wine_:
            That being had, let each man’s _face_ declare
            Th’ _Indian Mines_ not so rich as ours are.
            If we want Coyn, the best way, I suppose,
            Is to transmute the _Metal_ of my _Nose_._

I never receiv’d any answer to what I wrote, neither did I ever see my
new friend after, which was according to my own desire, but I heard of
his sad destiny, whereof I should have participated, had I listed my
self in that Mettle-simulating Regiment. Some found out operating in the
obscurest thickets of woods; others were detected clipping in dark
Concaves on _Black-heath_, and their Ringleader discovered in his own
house, in a deep Vault befitting his purpose; who, though he had timely
notice to remove his tools, yet, by his Seizers they were found hid in a
Chimney-mantletree, hollowed to that intent, with a shutter at the end.
After the dismal catastrophe of these Hazardous fools, I had like to
have been put to a great trouble, though not in the least guilty of the
accusation: and thus it was; an indigent Hanger-on, having taken notice
of my being once or twice in the company of the chief of those lately
executed, came to me one Evening, and requested some private discourse:
I consented: being together (laying aside several Formalities that
ushered in his discourse) he told me, that I was taken notice of as a
notorious disperser of Counterfeit money, and that there was a warrant
out to apprehend me, and, that out of pure love to a man so young and
fairly promising as my self, he thought himself bound in duty to
preserve if he could, by giving timely notice to shun that, which, if
neglected might prove destructive. I immediately saw the _Rogue_ peep
through the Vizard of dissimulation, and therefore instead of giving
thanks I gave him a blow over both the eyes, to the intent he should not
see how I would beat him, which was in such a manner, that he could not
see himself for three days afterward. This fellow I understood to be a
Dunner for the Prisoners of their confederates abroad; and if they would
not continually let down their milk, impeach them, and were often

                               CHAP. XIX.

    _He breaketh his Master (by the help of his Mistress) and so
        sets up for himself with that money he had unlawfully
        gotten in his Apprenticeship, and credit besides: what a
        trick he served his Master at last: his Master and
        Mistress soon after dy’d._

But to proceed, now I had served my time, and was accordingly made free;
but sollicited by my Master to stay some longer time as a Journeyman,
which I consented to, knowing it could not be long: for we had so
purloined from him, that it was impossible for him to subsist any
longer. His Creditors visited him daily, so that now his whole time was
taken up in studying fair promising words to satisfie them for the
present, and tell them when they _should come again_. My Master
perceiving the danger he was in, would neither stir abroad, no, not so
much as come into the Shop. He now standing upon the brow of a very high
Hill, and being forced to descend, I resolved to save him the labour,
and so threw him down headlong.

By this time I had conveyed away a sufficient quantity of his Goods,
intending them for my own use; and stowed them in a Warehouse which I
had lately taken privately for my purpose. My Master one night told me
his intended design, that he was resolv’d to pack up all his Goods, and
to gather in what moneys he could, and so take his wife with him for
_Ireland_. I thought I should have dy’d at first when I heard him talk
of carrying his wife with him, and could not forbear dropping some
tears; which he perceiving, his trickled down his Cheeks to bear mine
company. Well now, said he, I see thou lovest me too, as well as thou
hast hitherto proved faithful. But the dearest friends must part (& with
that he wept again like a child) however my comfort is, I hope we shall
see each other in Heaven. I thought with my self, I had rather see him
in the Counter. And from that minute I contriv’d how I might effect it:
For at that time I should never have been able to have brookt a
separation between my Mistress and self, especially at so great
distance. She and I often consulted what to do; Sometimes we were in the
mind to take what money the _old fool_ had, and so run away together,
with many stratagems which we propounded; but were rejected as no ways
expedient nor convenient. At last I resolved on this, that she should
acquaint her self of the exact time and way he intended to go, and so
inform me thereof. I receiv’d information in a short time after, that
before break of day, at such a time he would take Horse at _Islington_,
and so for _Winchester_. I immediately sent away word to one of his
chiefest Creditors, making known to him the sum and substance of every
thing, and, that if ever he expected to receive what was due to him, he
must at such a time have Officers ready to way-lay him, in order to his
arrest, which was punctually done according to what instructions I sent
him in a letter, without a name subscribed thereunto. He had not been
long in custody, before I was sent for, to advise with him what was best
to be done in this his great extremity and perplexity. I could do no
less than seemingly condole his misfortunes, and withal seemed to be
very active as to his assistance, running up and down to his Creditors
to bring them to a compliance; but he had been better to have sent some
person else as sollicitor in his businesse, for by my means I made his
wound incurable. Seeing there was no remedy but patiently to endure his
inevitable imprisonment, he got an Horse (as some men term it) _alias_ a
_Duce facies_, and so remov’d himself to _Ludgate_, where he had not
been long e’re he dy’d for grief.

In the mean time my Mistress had secured what he had, which I enjoy’d. I
had now an House and Shop of mine own, very well furnisht; but withal I
was grown so deboist and profusively lavish, that I seldom was at home
but at night, and then in bed with my Mistress, who was very importunate
with me to marry her: I confesse I loved her intirely as my Mistresse,
or Whore, but I hated her as my Wife, knowing very well that if she
would be an Whore to me, and have an Husband, she would be so to another
when I was in the formers place. She now found her self with Child;
whereupon (taking _upon her my duty_) she daily prest me to save her
Credit. But I delay’d, putting her off continually with specious
pretences, which her love and facileness easily swallow’d. The time of
her delivery approaching, I went down into the Country with her; and
because it was at hand, I stay’d to see the event: Within a short while
she fell in labour (now because we were known for no other than Man and
Wife,) when her throws came upon her, she would not let me stir out of
the room. Her pain growing intollerable, she called me hastily to her,
and getting my hand within hers; Farewel, said she, I dye for thee; thy
last unkindnesse in not performing thy promise, and not returning love
answerable to mine, hath untimely yielded my days: with that she
groaned, and then using her former expressions, cryed out, Love my
memory however, since I die for thee. She uttered not one word
afterwards, being as good as her word: The good woman lookt strangely on
me, every one passing their verdict, and all concluding her none of my
Wife. The _first Christians_ under the great _Persecution_, suffered not
in 500 years so many several wayes, as I did in five hours, by the
peoples Tongues. I must needs say, I took it very much to heart, that
Report, which made _Richard_ the _Second_ alive so often after he was
dead, should kill me as often whilst alive; desiring them at last to
wave their Censures (which they exprest publickly) I intreated them with
all the Rhetorick I could produce to endeavour the reviving of my Wife,
which if past recovery, to use means to preserve the Child. In a short
time they told me that was dead likewise. At first I showed much grief,
which was unfeigned, being not so much afflicted for the loss of her, as
affected with those words she uttered when she breathed her last. I was
too conscious of my own guilt, and therefore they made the deeper
impression in my very Soul.

But all these perturbations of mind I dissipated with a glasse or two of
Canary, which was the common antidote I us’d against care, sorrow, and
vexation, _&c._ I now provided things necessary for her Funeral, which
were not vulgar; which I might the better do, having made my self her
Executor before, taking all she had into my custody. In memorial of her,
and her fidelity, I wrote this Epitaph on her Tombstone.

          _Women they say will _lye_, but now I see
          ’Tis false, to th’ last she spake the _truth_ to me.
          Farewel said she, I thought my grief t’have hid,
          _I die for love of thee_,——and so she did.
          Here with her lies her Child, that strove in vain
          To untomb it self to be intomb’d again.
          But rest my babe, thy cares with life are gone,
          _Thou’lt rise again_, though now a setting Sun.
          Though wonders cease, thy Mothers death doth prove
          They may revive, for she did _die for love_._

                               CHAP. XX.

    _His credit becomes suspected by his exorbitant manner of
        living in Drinking, Whoring, Gaming, &c. He thinks to
        sawder up that crack by Marriage; he is deceived both in
        Person and Portion._

Returning to my own Habitation, I found that my so long absence had
raised a jealousie in my Neighbours breasts, that I was run away; which
rested not there, but spread like a Canker, so that this flying report
came to some of my Creditors ears, which made them both impatient and
importunate with me for their moneys; I wondered whence proceeded their
unexpected haste. Some that would not be put off with promises, I was
forced to pay; from others I obtained a little longer forbearance, which
gave me but liberty to prosecute my former courses. If I was at the
Tavern, I was either drunk, ingaged in a quarrel, and so involv’d in
blood; or else at play, if not at a Bawdy house, which places I could
not refrain from frequenting, though I kept one _of my own at home_. For
I would not entertain a Maid, but what was more than ordinarily
handsome, whom I commonly vitiated either by presents, or promises if I
got them with child. When I was weary of one, I paid her off, with some
additions to her wages, and entertain’d another, who would in a short
time be wrought upon as well as her predecessors, being ambitious to lie
with her Master, and vainly hoping that to be the first step to her
preferment, thinking of nothing but presently marrying, and so be
Mistress. In three years that I lived as a Master I had nine
illegitimates, which I knew, four whereof were begotten of my Maids,
which put me to a vast expence. Two of the Mothers would have forced me
to have married them, or allowed them competent maintenance (for they
were subtil cunning baggages) had I not by a wile got them aboard a
Vessel bound for _Virginia_, and never heard of them since. Besides two
or three terrible Claps, which cost me a considerable sum in their cure.
This distemper, as it caused a _consumption_ in my Pocket, so it
impaired my wonted strength, and almost spoiled my natural Talent.

             _For now it is much like Paul’s Steeple turn’d
             A stately thing before the top was burn’d._

I now began to be sensible of my folly, and so resolved to take up in
time, and redeem by degrees my lost credit by a temperate sober life;
but that I found I had wasted my self extremely, by which means I became
lesse capable of reacting what I had before done, and my mind in a
manner satiated, I question whether I should have had now such penitent
thoughts. For a while I kept my Shop diligently and constantly; I would
not drink with any but at home; my sudden alteration made people admire,
and the suddennesse of my reformation was the common discourse of all my
Neighbours: The Parson of our Parish hearing of my strange alteration,
came to me, which I admired at; for before, he that had the least care
or respect of his Reputation, would avoid all occasions of being seen in
my company, lest they might be suspected extravagant and deboist.

              _Pares cum paribus facillime congregantur._
              Birds of a Feather will flock together.

The shortness of his hair declar’d him a member of the _Circumcision_,
but his _triple cap_, or three _caps_ on his head, shew’d, though he
hated the very name of _Rome_ or _Babylon_, yet he lov’d formerly a
Whore _in private, though common_. His Cloak was fac’d down with _zeal_
before, and his Band appear’d but as a _broad hem_, to shew that a
_hem_, with _two or three formal spits_, or a feigned Cough, was the
usual supply of his discourse, when he had _thrasht_ himself in his
_Cloak_ out of breath in the _Pulpit_. His looks resembled the
_bleer-ey’d Printing_ at _Geneva_ (and his face like that sort of ragged
paper on which they work off their impressions. After he had set his
face into a Platform, he delivered himself. I shall not relate exactly
his own canting words, or what he borrowed from Scripture, being
sensible, _non est tutum ludere cum sacris_, but give you the substance,
which was first a reproof for my extravagancies: secondly, some general
instructions, (pickt out of a common-place Book) for my future practice:
and lastly, some encouragements drawn from various motives to proceed
(without looking back) toward a good life: on which three points he ran
divisions strangely, till Dinner-time, and then his stomach petitioned
him to shut his mouth, lest it should be deprived of its appetite by
receiving in too much air.

In this seeming strictness of life I lived two or three months, and now
some began to have charitable thoughts of my Soul: & that I might regain
my runnings out by future diligence and industry.

I had several Matches offered me, which I saw, but liked them not; for I
had always been a general lover, and could not now come to particulars.
At last it was my misfortune to see one, whom I was wisht to; and which
at first sight robbed me at once, both of my self and good company.

Formerly I was pleasing and affable, desirous and desired of good
society, but never lived till now an _Anchorite_ on earth. Neither did I
ever till now tie up mine eyes to one particular face, giving them free
liberty to wander. But now at last I fell from my primitive liberty,
losing it totally, by dotage on a Creature, and that a Woman too: a just
judgement on me for my manifold sins, to throw this thing in my way for
me to stumble at. And it will appear in its due place that she was a
_bow’d token_ of my _Maker’s_ displeasure sent me, for she was Crooked.

                               CHAP. XXI.

    _How he was married, and what kind of thing his Wife._

I made strict enquiry after the condition of my intended Wifes Parents,
and found by report they were very wealthy. In a short time we had
conference together about the Portion, and my Estate, and therein we
were all satisfied. My Courtship was very Noble, yet not Prodigal, for
fear of giving offence; and in a little while we were married. By her
looks I thought her so modest, that an unchaste thought durst not enter
into her head, since all immodest expressions she banished from her

The first night I thought to have had the first _taste_, but my
experience told me the _Tarriers_ had been there before. This struck me
into an amazement, that there should appear such Virgin-whiteness, and
the extract of innocence in her face, yet be guilty of a crime so
notorious. Much perplext I was, but durst not vent my self, what was
more than bare suspition. In one half years time what I intended to
conceal could be hid no longer, being brought to bed three months before
her time; and yet the Bawd her Midwife would make me believe this was
usual; and that Children brought forth at six months might live.

Now began our domestick Civil Wars, which was carried on with such fury
between us, that there was hardly an Utensil in the Kitchin that could
rest in quiet from flying about our ears continually. My Wife acted the
_Silent Woman_ to the life, whilest in a single state; for before we
were married all her answers were very short, comprehended within the
two Monosyllables of _I_, and _No_; and those two must be forcibly
extracted from her. But now her tongue wagg’d in a perpetual motion, and
her voice so shrill and loud, that it would be heard distinctly, though
a piece of Ordnance were discharged near her at the same time, or
standing at the Bell-room-door whilest the Bells were ringing. Frequent
were her complaints to her Father and Mother, which alienated their
affection from me, so that their only study was how to be rid of me. Her
forgeries (to excuse her own _Devilry_) had so instigated them, that
they sought my ruine by all wayes imaginable. Besides they laid an
_Imbargo_ on the rest of my Wives portion unpaid; advising her withal to
secure what she could, for her own self-preservation. She followed their
instructions so exactly, that in a short time I found my self in a very
declining condition, yet knew not the cause, till it was too late,
conveying away both my goods and money, some whereof went to supply the
necessities of her Stallion.

I was all along jealous of this, though I could not conclude her
altogether so culpable. But my doubts and fears which of all are the
sharpest passions, could not turn this distemper into a disease
(although they lookt through false Opticks, making things appear like
evening shadows, disproportionable to the truth, and strangely longer
than the true substance) till knowledge hereof (confirmed me by the
witnesses of my eyes) had banisht bare suspition.

Which was thus, One night I caused my self to be brought home by a
Porter as dead drunk; my Wife received me in that condition (I perceived
by peeping out of my eye-lids) with much satisfaction, and was
immediately carried up to bed; with much difficulty they undrest me,
pretending my self asleep all this while, and so they left me. It seems
by the story that my Wife presently sent away the Maid (which was her
Pimp) to her friend to come at such an hour. About nine of the clock the
Maid was posted to bed; and about ten I heard one small knock at the
door: he needed not to knock there any longer, for there was one below
that was ready to receive him. When I judg’d they were incircled in each
others arms, (which I understood by hearkning at the bottom of the
stairs, and thereby knew whereabout they were) I ran in upon them with
my Sword (which I had prepared ready) & thinking to have run them
through the body, intending to make a passage for their Souls escape, I
past my Sword through the fleshy part of both their thighs. At which
they made a most hideous outcry, so that the Maid came running down: and
a Watchman that stood just at my door hearing the noise, knockt at the
door, to know what was the matter; the Maid apprehending the danger, let
him in, who by the help of his Candle, never saw so strange a sight; for
I had so pin’d them together, that they could not stir. As well as they
could speak, they both begg’d their pardon for their lives only, which I
granted, as looking on my revenge somewhat satisfied.

My Gentleman I dismist, but as for his Mistress I was forced to send for
a Chyrurgeon, whose wound needed no probing, but tenting, for it was
through and through. There was no concealing of what was done; wherefore
in the morning early I acquainted her Parents with what had happen’d
last night, insisting further, that since she had instead of putting off
handsomly the Chain of Matrimony, rudely broke it, it should be her own
damage; neither would I be at the cost of a visitation to repair the
breach. To which I added, that had I deny’d her things requisite and
necessary, or not performed duly my duty, she might have had some
pretence for her slighting me, and look upon me only as a false Crow set
up in a Garden, to keep others from the fruit it cannot taste it self.
But since it was otherwise, and that she had nothing to object against
me, but onely sometimes curbing her inordinate desires; I wisht them to
save me the labour of having the Law to tear her from me, but that they
would remove her elsewhere.

They reply’d but little, hastning to their daughter; and fearing worse
mischief might ensue, they instantly conveyed her into the Country. She
had not remained there long, before she was cured, and not enduring to
be confined to solitariness, repaired again to the City, where now she
lives, as such do that keep Civet-Cats; but I hear she is very reserved
to all but such she knows she may intrust her self with. But let her go
with these Lines pin’d to her back.

      _There never yet was woman made,
        Nor shall, but to be curst;
      And oh! that I (fond I) should first
        Of any Lover
      This Truth at my own charge to other Fools discover._

      _Ye that have promis’d to your selves
        Propriety in Love;
      Know womens hearts like straws do move,
        And what we call
      Their Sympathy, is but love to jet in general._

      _All Mankind are alike to them;
        And though we Iron find
      That never with the Loadstone joyn’d,
        ’Tis not the Irons fault,
      It is because the Loadstone yet was never brought._

      _If where a gentle Bee hath fallen
        And laboured to his power,
      A new succeeds not to that flower,
        But passeth by
      ’Tis to be thought the Gallant elsewhere loads his thigh._

      _For still the flowers ready stand;
        One buzzes round about,
      One lights, one tasts, gets in, gets out.
        All always use them,
      Till all their sweets are gone, and all again refuse them._

However, I must confess my own faults, as well as condemn others; which
was, I was too inquisitive after that, which the more I knew, would the
more disturb me. Of all things the less we know, the better. Curiosity
in this renders a man as ridiculous a Coxcomb, as that Cuckold Sir _John
Suckling_ mentioneth, who made diligent enquiry, whether he was made so
in a bed, or on a Couch, and whether his duty-officiating Cavalier
pulled off his Spurs first or not, _&c._

Well, it was my hard fate to Marry thus like one doom’d to prison, who
expecting to lie in a private room, is confined to the Hole. Had I
married the best, I believe I should have found my self in the Stocks.
’Tis strange that I of all men should be deceiv’d by this thing that was
like a box bearing drugs not suitable to the inscription. Had not my
passion hung in my eyes, when I lookt into her disposition and carriage,
I might have easily understood that her behavior in the presence of me
was only like action on a publick Stage, and that the evil of her
natural inclinations were hid from me under the vail of silence and
seeming modesty. And indeed my pallate was bed-ridden, and so scarce
sensible of sauce, much less of meat. But since I have had such ill-luck
in marriage, which some vainly and falsly account a merry-age, I shall
in the ensuing Discourse give you some instruction or advice as
Land-marks. For having split upon this Rock, I may the better be a Pylot
to another that would sail this way.

                              CHAP. XXII.

    _Some Observations concerning Love and Women; selected out
        of the choicest Commentators on their nature, together
        with his own experimental reflections._

Love ’tis confest is a Natural distemper, a kind of small Pox; most have
either had it, or is to expect it, and the sooner the better. Surely I
was never well cur’d on’t, or else I had not thus fallen in a Relaps.
Want of knowledge misguided me at first, and so I fell into a
_Quagmire_; but I knew not what possest me to ride afterward into
another on purpose. Love-seeds when it grows up to Matrimony is good for
nothing, like some Fruit-trees which must be transplanted before they
will bring forth any thing. And when Love in this nature doth seed, the
encrease thereof is dissatisfaction, sorrow and vexation multiplied.
This afore-mentioned is not truly love but lust; for I cannot believe
that that noble passion can be the ruine of its subject; neither would I
have it disparaged by so unworthy an object as a woman. If there be
Love, it should be to Heaven, a male-friend, relations, or our Countries
preservation, and not to a Female-piece of imperfection. And yet nothing
will serve the turn, but monopolizing it by Marriage, because we would
make it surely our own, and nevertheless our own till then. For if she
be young, she is like an Hawk upon her wing; and if she be handsome, she
is the more subject to go out at check. Faulkners that can but seldom
spring right game, should still have something to take them down. The
lure to which all stoop in this World, is either garnisht with profit or
pleasure, and when you cannot throw her the one, you must be content to
shew out the other. Consider again that woman (besides the trouble) is a
Rent-charge which though the curiosity of man hath often inclosed, yet
he cannot for his life stop so well one gap, but it will lie open for
any stragler; by which means it seldom improves or becomes fruitful. And
why should a woman be denyed the liberty of breaking a pane in her own
window, or not admitted the freedom of regress to her own salli-port,
letting in whom she esteems as friends? If you will not give them the
permission, you must be forc’d to wink when they take it, or do worse:
crosse them, and they will endeavour the not leaving a crosse in your
Pocket. Take it which way you will, Marriage is the dearest way of
curing love. Faring with such, as it doth with those for the most part
that at great charges walls in grounds and plant, who cheaper might have
eaten Mellons elsewhere, than Cucumbers in their own Garden. Besides, it
is a gross piece of ignorance to be bound up to love for an age, when
the cause of love may perish for a month, and then the effect will
follow. If it be natures paint in the face, that doth induce you; those
beautiful flowers of red and white, a disease will quickly wither; if
not, ravishing time will deflowre the choicest beauty.

But the ill consequents of Marriage are more to be considered, which are
commonly drawn from the evil inclinations of that Sex; _Eve_ by
stumbling at the Serpents Sollicitations cast her Husband out of
Paradice; nor are her Daughters surer of foot, being foundred by the
heat of lust and pride. It were somthing if Marriage could answer the
expectation of all she boasts the cure of; for instead of quenching the
hot coals of concupiscence, it aggravates the simple sin of Fornication,
making it sprout into Adultery. What might be said more as to this
subject, I shall refer the Reader to the Writings of that ingenious
Gentleman Mr. _Francis Osborne_. If any more (like boys stript and stand
shivering about the brink) are ready to leap into Loves Whirl-pit, and
so endanger the loss of themselves, let them first look upon love to be
an idle fancy, and Wedlock of a dangerous consequence. If I could
perswade you from loving, one would think the other then would be
disregarded, but some to their costs can speak the contrary. In the
first place, marry none but whom you love: for he that marries where he
doth not love, will love where he did not marry. If you are prone to
love one particular person, some are of opinion that travel is an
excellent remedy: For absence doth in a kind remove the cause, removing
the object. Others think that frequent visits (where as the rarity of
them indears the affection) may by a surprizal discover some defects,
which though they cure not absolutely, yet they qualifie the vehement
heat of an amorous Feavor: and as near as can be, let it be
unseasonably, either when she is in sicknesse or disorder, by that a man
may know she is but mortal, and but a woman; the last would be enough to
a wise man for an Antidote. Enter into discourse with her of things she
daily hears not, and it will confirm the cure. Neither will it be amiss
to contrive your self into the company of variety, especially such
beauties which are generally cry’d up; and if you can, taste them all,
(but now I think on’t, it is no matter, one is sufficient for a surfeit)
for this Malady is better remedy’d this way, than by abstinence: good
jovial company will much conduce to the cure.

But, I like not the prescription of Marriage, since it is the last and
most dangerous receipt; like a kind of live Pigeons apply’d to the soals
of the feet, which remedy to say truth, is worse than the disease: Were
it possible for a Woman to be constant to one, something might be said,
but I never yet tryed any which did not very much shew their
displeasures when offered some kindness, but never found any to refuse
them, if opportunity & privacy of place admitted their reception; which
hath made me often in my own thoughts question my mothers honesty and
fidelity to my Father.

What I now utter, is not derived from prejudice to that Sex, grounded on
my own Wifes disloyalty; but experience tells me this, which most past
sixteen very well understand, that there are few Women, let them pretend
what they please, but will yield to the temptations of the flesh, and so
much the sooner, by how much she professeth some new light, which is
_Ignis fatuus_ that leads them into the _Quagmires_ of all sorts of
erronious Tenents. With this dark Lanthorn-Light they dazle the eyes of
such as would pry into their actions, whiles behind in the dark they
sensually satisfie themselves undiscovered.

Experience dictates what I here express; for I have had converse with
several of these Religious pretenders, that in the very act would very
much inveigh against Adultery with their tongues, whilst their Bloods
willingly consented to the commission of that sin, and then immediately
after seem extremely pensive, using these and such like formal
expressions: _Fie, fie, I wonder how you durst sin thus, even before the
face of your Creator. Do you think he saw you not? yea verily, and you
shall answer for what you have now done_; whereas it could never have
been done without a mutual consent.

They will make it their daily discourse, speaking against such whose
natural inclinations have prompted them to unlawful satisfaction of
their lust, and yet they themselves are at the same time studying how
they may secretly and securely accomplish the same thing.

To conclude, Woman in general is the very extract of inconstancy, and
therefore it is but a vain thing for any to think she can absolutely
love one man. Such who are found constant to their Husbands, preferring
their welfare before the indulging of their own by-respects, ought to be
lookt on no less then Miracles of their Sex, by such who are acquainted
generally with Female dispositions and actions.

                              CHAP. XXIII.

    _He Cheats his Creditors by knavish breaking, and runs away
        from _Ireland_. He is Shipwrackt on the Isle of _Man_._

Whilst my credit was good, I thought good to make use of it, lest that
failing, I should want an opportunity to march off with flying Colours.
To raise my repute amongst my Neighbours (whom I knew would spread
abroad what they had seen) I caus’d a Porter (whom I could intrust) to
carry out privately an hundred pound, and a little while after to come
with a trusty friend of mine with that, and five or six hundred pound
bags more on his back, openly carrying them. Upon my receipt hereof, I
presently tumbled the Money out of the bag (which had really mony in it)
on the Counter, purposely making a great noise: having told it over (my
friend standing by the while) I put it up; and pretending to lay that
aside and take another, I took up the same again, so doing till I had
told it over five or six times; then writing in publike view a Receipt,
with much civility and respect I dismist my Gentleman. And this did I
thrice in a months time; so that by this means without suspition I
conveyed away a great quantity of my Goods, which people thought I had
sold, & therefore thought me to have a great trade. Report hereby
rendred me a man of vast dealing, so that now I had goods dayly offer’d
me, some whereof I received, promising to them payment at three moneths,
others at six; whereas I intended they should stay till her had her
twelve Apostles for her Jury. What Wares or Moneys I could take up, I
did, not mattering at what rate. To some of the more wary sort I confest
a Judgment for their security. I needed not to have spoken in the
Singular number, for I deluded four with my Judgments. What commodities
I had, I converted into money by a bill of Sale, and so went away,
leaving my Creditors to sue out a Statute of _Bankrupt_ if they so
pleased; which I valued not, if once out of their reach. To my chiefest
Creditor I sent these lines, to the intent he should not tax me with
incivility for going away and not sending him word.

          _Credit doth strengthen such whose Trades are weak,
          But too much Credit, Sir, did make me break.
          Credit to sinking Trades-men is a prop,
          But had you kept your Wares, I’de kept my Shop.
          Pray do not blame me, Sir, because I show
          A way to pay those many debts you owe:
          Which you may do, if you’l advised be,
          Which is in short, prepare to follow me.
          Believe me, faithful Sir, in what I say,
          I went before, but to shew you the way:
          But you will not, don’t lament your loss,
          For in your Money I do bear the cross.
          Grief will distract you, and destroy your wit;
          Good Sir, preserve it, for y’ ave paid for it._

I rid post for _Holy-head_ night and day, so that I arrived there in a
very short time: going to dismount, I tumbled off, neither could I rise
again; continual and unaccustomed riding had almost dislocated every
bone in my body, notwithstanding it was swathed for that purpose. The
next day I made a shift to walk abroad to view the Rarities of the Town,
but found nothing rare but handsome Women, Civility, and good Drink. In
two days time we set Sail: we had not ran above three Leagues before the
Sky darkned; the Wind blew hard at a South-East, and the Waves rose
mountain-high: In an hours time we were forced to cut our Masts by the
board, and lightning the Ship as much as we could, let her drive. Every
man fell to his Prayers, expecting every moment when they should be
swallowed up by the Sea. As for my part, I now thought divine vengeance
had overtaken me, and would reckon with me for all my Rogueries; I lookt
on my self as _Jonas_, & was much troubled that others should suffer for
my iniquities. About three a Clock in the morning we heard a hideous
noise occasioned by the beating of the Sea against the Rocks, which was
ecchoed by the loud and lamentable cries of the Seamen, who now knew
there was no hope for us. Now could I pray heartily, that had never
pray’d in my life before: but my Devotion was soon spoiled, for the Ship
struck in between two Rocks. I lookt out, and methought the dashing of
the waves lookt perfectly like flashes of Fire. Here she stuck a little
while, which gave five of us opportunity to leap out upon a Rock: we
were no sooner there, before a wave fetcht her off, but brought her on
again, and split her all to pieces. We five in the mean time riding
astride on a Rock behind one another, like so many Criminals on a
_Woodden-horse_. Sometimes a wave would strike clear over us, which
indangered our washing off. Sometimes we thought to let go our hold, as
looking upon our preservation to be impossible; and withal imagining
that the tide was coming in. At last the hindmost could hold no longer,
but crying, _Lord have mercy on my Soul_, committed himself to the
merciless Sea. Immediately came a tumbling Sea and washt of the next;
now did I expect that every wave would prove my Executioner. But it was
not decreed (I suppose) that I should be drown’d. Day broke, so that we
could discern we were not a Coits cast from Shore, and that the Sea was
ebbing. We waited not above an hour before we crawled to Shore, for go
we could not, our joynts were so benumb’d by the cold. We got up the
Beach, and could discern a little way distant a small Cottage; thither
were repaired with much difficulty, and were kindly entertained,
pittyed, and informed where we were. We stay’d about a week in this Isle
of _Man_, without one farthing expence. For the Inhabitants are
generally very civil, and courteous, and especially to Strangers. From
thence we imbarkt for _Dublin_.

                              CHAP. XXIV.

    _His Arrival into _Ireland_: he changeth his Name: what
        trick he serv’d his first Landlady; all his Money being
        spent, and those Goods and Coyn likewise Shipwrackt
        which he expected to follow him._

We landed at a place called _Ringsend_ about a mile from _Dublin_. I was
askt whether I would have a Coach. Where are there any, said I? (for I
lookt about me, and could see nothing like a Coach) the fellow lookt
upon me to be a very ignorant person, because I understood not what he
meant, and angerly spake thus: _By my Gossips hand, thou canst not see
very much well, arre look here is one by thine own side_. It was a great
while before I could tell what language he spoke, he did so tone his
words; neither could I understand him, till one standing by interpreted
him. As for his _Ringsend_-Coach, as he call’d it, it was Wheel-barrow
fashion, only it had two Wheels not much bigger then a large _Cheshire_
Cheese: the Horse that drew this Princely-pygmy-Chariot, I at first
mistook for an over-grown Masty; but viewing him narrowly, found him the
extract (by his shape) of a _Scotch-Hobby_; well, up I mounted, but
could not invent a name for the manner of my riding, for I was neither
coacht nor carted, but I fancyed my self (and that justly) as I was
riding, to be some notorious Malefactor drawn on a Sledge to the place
of execution, which afterwards experimentally I found _Dublin_ to be:
many of its Inhabitants call this City _Divlin, quasi Divels Inn_, &
very properly it is by them so termed; for there is hardly a City in the
world that entertains such variety of Devils Imps as that doth. If any
knavishly break, murder, rob, or are desirous of Polygamy, they
straightway repair thither, making that place, or the Kingdom in
general, their Azylum, or Sanctuary. My first care was to plant my self
conveniently; the next day I sent for a Barber to shave all my hair off,
ordering him to bring me a Periwigg of an absolute contrary colour to my
own hair, to the intent that if I should meet with any of my former
acquaintance, they might not know me, whereby I should prevent their
sending notice to any where I was. The truth of it is, in this disguize
I hardly knew my self. The greatest difficulty I found, was to make my
self familiar with my fictitious name. At first when my Landlady called
me by that name, I either star’d her in the face, or lookt behind me,
(not answering thereunto) thinking she had spoke to some man else: but
had I not pretended to be thick of hearing, and so that way apologizing
for my silence, my design might have been marr’d. I daily met with
several I knew, but would not take the least cognizance of them.

In this manner I spent a moneth, but all this while no tidings of my
Goods and money; that which I had brought with me was all consumed. My
Landlady (as it is customary there, having as little trust or faith as
they have Religion) called upon me for what I owed her. For a little
while, I stopt her mouth, by telling her I had a considerable quantity
of Goods and Money too coming, which I expected by every fair wind. A
little while after I heard the Ship in which they were was cast away.
Now did I absolutely conclude Gods just judgement attended my fraud and
knavery. My loss I did not in the least discover to any, knowing I
should reap at first only some pitty, and afterwards be undervalued and
disrespected. My Hostess again was very importunate with me to have her
Reckoning: I endeavoured to put her off, saying, I expected daily Bills
of Exchange; but she would not believe me; for I perceived that she had
been often cheated with such delusions.

Now did I not know what to do: I thought good to try another way; she
being a Widdow, I fancyed I could work upon her Female frailty: I used
all means possible to get her alone; which I did but seldom, and then
did I make use of all my Rhetorick to perswade her into a belief how
dearly I loved her: she replyed little, but would laugh at me till she
held her sides again. I verily believe she understood my drift, which I
might argue from her expressions. Sometimes she would say, Come, come,
away with these love-fooleries, and pay me what you owe. Then would I
tell her, all I enjoyed, & my self too, were properly hers, and that she
might take them when she pleased into her possession. No, no, she would
say, my youthfull days are past, and it is time for me to look
Heavenwards; wherefore let fall your suit, _&c._

Since words would no ways prevail, I resolved to try something else,
knowing how difficult it is for a Woman when in bed to refuse a Venereal
proffer. To that purpose one night I came softly into her Chamber, and
groping with my hand for her face, I caught a man by the Beard: at which
he awaked, and thinking the Devil was come to trim him, or rob him of
his Wash-balls, would have cryed out aloud, but that fear had so lockt
up his voice, that his highest note was little louder then whispering; I
could but just hear him say, _In the name of —— what art?_ I am, said I,
(and then she wak’d too) no Ghost, but a living witness of your
leachery; to that intent I came hither, to be fully satisfied of what I
have a long time suspected. As for you Madam, _your youthful days are
past_, but your lust will endure for ever. If this be your way to
Heaven, why were you so uncharitable as not to let me go along with you?
As for your part, Sir, I believe that you are traveling that way too;
for if I mistake not, you lately came out of Purgatory.

To be short, they both intreated me to be silent, and retire to my own
lodging, & that in the morning they would treat with me to my full
satisfaction. This was what I aimed at, though brought about otherwise
then intended. Early they both came to me: the pious Gentlewoman being
very tender of her credit, would forgive me my Debt, if I would not
blemish her reputation by my report; her Gallant gave me ten pieces to
bind the bargain: having gotten a discharge under her hand, I sealed our
contract with an Oath and faithful promise never to divulge their shame.
The Gentleman (though his estate much exceeded hers) out of spight, I
think, or vexation to be so caught, _incontinently_ married her, though
all former sollicitations (which I understood were many) proved

                               CHAP. XXV.

    _He is driven to extreme necessity; he describes what it is
        to be indigent, by what he suffered in that condition._

This ten pound I received from my old leacherous Dotard, made its _Exit_
almost assoon as its entrance into my Pocket: by that sum I thought to
have purchased Mountains in _Ireland_ (and indeed there is too great
plenty of them there,) by gaming; but experience told me afterwards that
my design was hazardous, and so it proved, for I met with a person that
_bubbled_ me at Hazard, not leaving me a penny, and ingaged besides for
my proportion of the Reckoning. My Gamester dealt too hardly with me;
yet it was but just, for I intended to show him as little favour, if
compell’d to lye at my mercy, which I verily thought would be, having
various Utensils about me to that purpose, but I was overmacht.

          _I thought my self secure, for I could top,
          By which I’ve forc’d some Cits to leave their shop.
          I palm’d, and put the change upon them too;
          I only studyed how I might undo.
          But now I’m met with, ’tis but just I see,
          That he which others cheats, should cheated be._

I returned to my Lodging, (which was none of the best) with what anxiety
and perturbation of mind, I shall give any looser leave to imagine,
whilst the remembrance thereof enforceth me to speak; and I hope the
Reader will give me that liberty, since the Proverb intaileth on the
looser that priviledge. I acquainted my Landlord with my misfortune, who
seem’d very much to condole me for the present, but it was afterwards
the occasion of his not crediting me. From hence, I will advise all to
speak as little as they can of ills that betide them; but we cannot
discourse too much of the good that happens to us. Perceiving my
Landlord grew cold, my spirit was too high to be any longer beholding to
him but for my Lodging; wherefore I seldom came home till night. Neither
would I make known my condition to any that knew me. Sometimes I should
meet with some in the street, who would ask me to drink with them; my
usual answer was, I came from it but even now: insisting farther, that
such a Gentleman, with two or three more besides my self, had drank so
much, and that I admired at my self for being so sober; whereas to deal
ingenuously, I had not drank one drop that day. Another seeing me, would
ask me whether I would dine with him at the Ordinary? then would I
pretend that my Lord —— Gentleman over-persuaded me to dine with him,
and that we had such variety, that I doubted my stomack had received
some detriment thereby; and therefore beg’d an excuse; whereas a dry
crust taken out of my _Leather Cupboard_, was all the varieties the
_Gentleman-Vsher_ of my stomack, my throat I mean, had taken cognizance
of that day. So hard it was too, that I would look this way, and that
way, not daring to commit it to the engine of my Chops, unless there was
none near me within a furlong; for had there been any near me, they
would have sworn I was eating Walnuts shells and all. Now did I learn to
drink Water, which necessity made me to commend as the most soveraign
liquor, and most suitable to the body of man; otherwise _Adam_ in
Paradise would not have been without a cup of Ale.

Every morning I offer’d up my Devotions either to St. _Patrick_, or St.
_James_, each of which have two excellent Wells dedicated to the honour
of their Saintships. Thither did I repair constantly twice or thrice a
day: after I had offered up the fumes of smoke (most commonly of none of
the best Tobacco) I kneeled, not using the common way of drinking out of
the chained iron dish, but with greater adoration suckt it as it came
through the conveyance. After a walk to _Kilmanum_ (about a mile from
_Dublin_) or some other place to prepare my stomack, I return’d to
_Christ-Church_, frequently dining there with Sir _Richard Strang-bow_.
Reflecting on his Cheer, and the Liquor of those two Saints, I cannot
but tell you my thoughts of both.

        _Sir _Richard Strang-bow_ keeps an house where Wine
        And Bread some sup on, but few seldom dine.
        Ask yet an hungry Rambler, and he’ll say,
        (Though not one bit came near his mouth that day)
        He plentifully din’d with him, so let him still
        Till he hath found his empty belly fill,
        Where I ne’re could, which made me hate in fine
        Sir _Richard Strang-bows_ Feasts, St. _Patrick’s_ Wine._

I fasted so long, I had now almost forgot how to eat: for if casually I
came where meat was, I often made a proffer to convey something to my
mouth, but my lips understood not my meaning; for having been so long
unaccustomed to their duty, knew not how to perform their _gaping_
office. It was impossible at this time for the greatest fright to have
made me foul my breeches, because I seldom used any thing that might
cause excrements. And therefore I wondred to hear any enquire for an
house of Office, since I had now left off going to stool. Once in five
days I thought I stood in need of evacuating; but I was mistaken, for by
discharging a blast of wind (whose fury scattered small stones
underneath me) I found it only a fit of the Cholick. I shall deal
plainly, shoud I have found a propensity, I would have been very
unwilling to let any thing go out, since so little past into my belly.
Some _Moveables_ I had left, which I was forced to dispose of, to keep
the passage of my guts open, which would frequently grumble against my
stomach for detaining too long what was received, challenging a
propriety therein. I thought it good policy not to buy any Belly-timber
of a quick concoction, because it should stay the longer within me. To
this purpose I lookt on old Cheese to be food convenient; knowing that
though it will disgest any thing else, yet it cannot disgest it self;
and as it closeth up the mouth of the stomack, so by its respective
quality it locks up fast the Poststern of the Micro-cosm. Flesh again
(if I got any) I would swallow by whole-sale, fearing lest by chewing
it, my stomach would too suddenly give it a passport to my
_Hypo-gastrium_; by which means it would be immediately ready again, nay
restless in the craving more. I seldom slept for the gnawing of my
stomack, and the anguish of my guts, and for want of those fumes which
proceeding from Meat ascended into the head, and so the causers of
sleep. If I chanced to nod at any time, I dreamed of nothing but eating,
my fancy feeding that while as voraciously as an hunger-starved hound on
a shoulder of Mutton. I was driven to that pass, I could not justly tell
whether I was alive or not. Sometimes I was of the opinion that I dyed
in our Ship-wrack on the Isle of _Man_, and that I was now a Soul in

Immediately after my arrival in this place, the Itch and _Bunniah_, or
Flux, (the two grand Epidemical distempers of _Ireland_) gave me their
wellcome into their Country, attended by a great number of six-footed
Gent. clad in a gray livery, with one single list down the back; who all
promised to stick to me & be my bosome-friends, neither would they
forsake me as long as life lasted. But they like the rest of the best
and fairest promising friends left me, when fortune committed me
prisoner to the merciless cruel hands of that accursed Gaoler, Poverty.
I was grown so lean, that the Mungril _Scotch_ & _Irish_ Gentleman the
Itch, finding not flesh enough to feed on, gave me the _French_
Complement, _Adieu pouvre Gentilhome_. The Flux staid with me as long as
any thing was left in my belly, but finding no substance from my Guts,
took his leave also, unkindly carrying away all that was within me.
Their retinue perceiving they were like to feed on hard meat, there
being little left but bones, whose teeth were incapable of fastning
thereon, resolv’d to follow after; some making more than ordinary haste,
broke their necks off the Cape of my Cloak, missing their footing, the
threads thereof being spun out as time as fine as those of _Arachnes_

To conclude, I was a mere walking _Skeleton_, my skin only serv’d as a
mantle for my bones. But for wind, my belly would have contradicted an
approved Philosophical Axiome, proving a _Vacuum_.

One time passing by the Castle-gate, a Souldier fir’d his Musquet, and I
protest methought my belly sounded like a Drum at the report. Should I
relate every particular wherein the malevolencie of Fortune afflicted
me, I should much tire the Reader, as well as perplex my self with
remembrance; wherefore I shall desist, and give you leave to imagine the
deplorableness of his condition, who hath neither Monies, Friends, nor
Credit, and in a place where he is neither acquainted with the people
nor their Language.

                              CHAP. XXVI.

    _He falling accidentally into a strange house, endeavours to
        build a Sconce, but is frustrated of his intent. The old
        Hostess pities him at first, and relieves him, and
        continually after feeds him for her own peculiar Diet;
        further insisting on the misery he then endured._

I was by this time grown so feeble by fasting, or by the manner of my
feeding, which was either Cheese or hard Eggs, (there being great
plenty) that I could hardly go; and so light I was by continual smoking,
that I questioned often whether I was not a meer fume my self; fearing
still when I walkt abroad, to be extracted by the Sun for an exhalation.
Fortune so favour’d me one day, that I found a Groat, which put me into
a extasie of joy. I know not what Magical power there was in that vast
sum of _four pence_, for in an instant, not knowing by what means, I
found my self in a Victualling-house, so speedy was my conveyance, as if
I had been riding some _Dæmon_ through the air. I call’d for some meat,
but my voice sounded so hollow, as if I had spoken in a vault. Some
said, it was the _Eccho_ of some person speaking in the next house:
others of the wiser sort believed me to be some _Spectrum_, or
Apparition; and that the Devil had assum’d a body speaking in that
_mortuum cadaver_. The truth of it is, ’twas something hard to
determine, whether I spake or no, but that they might perceive my lips
to open. There was a Physician in the house at that time, who looking on
me narrowly, openly proclaim’d that I was the workmanship of some
Mortal, who having first gotten the Skeleton, or bones of a Man, had
artificially skin’d them over, and that German Clock-work caus’d my
motion. I would have laught heartily at their ridiculous apprehensions,
but that I had forgot how. I had some Gall left in me still, which made
me start up in as great a rage as my feeble body was able to declare,
intending to demonstrate to them how grosly they were mistaken, but
perceiving me to approach, they all fled but Mr. Doctor, whom shame
retain’d, otherwise by a fit of an Ague (which just then possest him) I
knew he would willingly have been gone too. _Speak_ (said he
tremblingly) _what art?_ I was somewhat puzled at his question, for I
knew not well what I was: I am a living man, said I. _Why then thou
wouldst have flesh_, said he. After several discourses to this purpose,
I at length made him partly believe that I was no such thing he
imagined, and yet he would be asking me still a many impertinent
questions, as whether I could see; and his reason was, because he could
discern no eyes. Whether I was born without eyes, or lost them since
accidentally, _&c._ I was forced to tell him at last that it was the
Country disease that had reduced me to this condition. Hearing me say
so, he pitied me much, and told me he would fetch instantly something
that should do me much good. I thankt him, and away went Mr. Doctor. The
good Woman over-hearing our discourse drew neer then confidently, and
demanded what I would have? I told her, any thing which was eatable, as
far as a groat would go. She brought me some hot Meat, and setting it
before me, went for some drink, but before she could return I had
swallowed it all: she fetcht me more, which went the same way with as
much celerity. But like Quick-silver it wrought quite through me, not
staying a quarter of an hour.

The manner whereof was thus: About to pay my Reckoning, my Groat got
into a piece of paper; I fumbled a great while in my pocket, but found
it not, which put me even to my wits ends. At last drawing out some
papers, and shaking them my Groat dropt; perceiving its fall might be
dangerous, there being many holes in the Floor, I catcht after it;
notwithstanding it fell upon the very brink of an hole; what with hast
to recover it, and the fright the danger put me into, I discharged my
self of every bit I had eaten. There was no body could say, I had fouled
my Breeches, or that I stunk; which I made appear to my Landlady by
showing her what I had evacuated, but little differing from what I had
eaten a quarter of an hour before. The good old woman perswaded me
strongly to eat it again; for, said she, it cannot be much the worse for
just passing through you, and I will fry it if you please. I thought I
should now have dyed with laughter at her strange proposition; but the
woman star’d upon me, not knowing whether I grin’d or laught. Well,
well, said she at last, if you will not eat such good victuals, some
body else shall. I offer’d her my Groat, which she refus’d, telling me
there was as much more to pay; I told her that was all the moneys I had
about me, and that I would pay her the rest the next day.

              _But she for her part thought it was unjust,
              To listen to the arguments of trust._

And therefore told me plainly she would have her Reckoning. I bid her
stay a while: then as soon as she had turned her back I attempted to
march off, but my strength failing me, I wanted swiftness, and so was
brought back. I made her acquainted with my condition how miserable it
was; I needed not many arguments to persuade any into that belief, for
my person was the true Embleme of misery. She gave a serious attention
to what I exprest, and at last melted into tears, commiserating my
misfortunes; she caus’d instantly a bed to be warm’d, where being laid,
she ordered a Cawdle to be made, & in fine shew’d a world of kindness to
me, not imagining what she aimed at. She would not let me stir out of my
Bed but whilst it was making, for above a week; at the conclusion of
which I began to recover a little colour in my cheeks, & grew
indifferent strong; she gave me moneys in my Pocket, & told me I must
walk into the fields with her. I blest my self, and that Angel that
directed my feet to the finding that lost groat which was the occasion
of my restitution to a condition of living again. By this time I
imagined what my old Gentlewoman expected: wherefore, in the first place
I acknowledged how much I was obliged to her matchless civilities, and
that it was impossible for me to return her answerable satisfaction.
Rowling her pretty Piggs-eyes to and fro in her head, I require (said
she) nothing but your Love. If it must needs be so (thought I) there is
no way better then to let fancy form her beautiful, and so by the force
of imagination I shall injoy as much pleasure as if lying with _Venus_,
though in Conjunction with this _Succubus_. We us’d not many ceremonies,
(like puling-whining Lovers that are always saying Grace, but never fall
to) but taking the convenience of a Ditch underneath a bushy-topt hedge
we conferred notes. Had any seen us in this posture, they would have
concluded old Winter metamorphosed into an old Woman lying in a Dike,
and that _Flora_ was converted into a young man, and both in an
unnatural Conjunction. Or that youthful _Phœbus_ had contracted his rays
to court a lump of Ice, but with shame was forced to desist, finding his
powerful endeavours ineffectual in the production of a thaw. Whenever I
wanted a small sum, a kiss or two, or the saying I loved her, extracted
so much as supplied my present occasions; if I wanted a sum
considerable, why then a quarter of an hours discourse in private
effected my desires. Most that knew me wondred what politick stratagems
I us’d that I so suddenly wound my self out of that Labyrinth of all
sorts of miseries, & that I appeared both in feature and garb so
excentrick to my former condition. I had as many pretences to blind the
world as there were various suspitions of pragmatick persons. In short,
I was now very well apparell’d, well furnisht with moneys, I kept my
Horse, nay my Whore too; this I made use of for what she was, the other
for what she had. So seemingly happy was the present state of my life,
that I deem’d it impossibly unalterable by any decree of fate.

                              CHAP. XXVII.

    _He makes a Ramble into the Country, takes some Observations
        as he travelleth; and is soundly beaten for attempting
        to board a small _Irish_ Pinnace._

I began now to be somewhat weary of the City, and therefore resolved to
refresh my self with the Country Air. I acquainted my Patroness
therewith; who with much regret condescended, conditionally two days
should be the utmost time of my absence.

That morning I set forth, there was such solemn leave taken between us,
as if my voyage had been intended for the _Indies_. About to amount, she
retrived my intentions, clasping me in her arms; I should rather have
chosen the imbraces of a she-Bear, as thinking her breath far sweeter;
and truly I have often wondred at my recovery in so impure and unwholsom
air. Being on Horse-back she so bathed her Cheeks with tears (wanting no
moisture, derived from an everlasting spring of humours distilling from
her head) that you would have sworn she was the representation of the
Pig-woman in _Ben’s Bartholomew_-fair. Had not her watry Flood-gates
drowned her eyes, I think she would have stood looking after me that way
I rid till my return. Well, there is no fool like the old doting fool:
And were I again to love for interest, I would choose such a person.
Your young skittish things that onely mind their pleasures, think they
have done a man a courtesie that merits reward, if they admit him into
their private familiarity, because they find fond man so passionate and
impatient in the prosecution of his desires: And then again, having
variety of Courtiers, they are too sensible, that if one will not meddle
with the bait, a second will nibble at it so long till he is caught with
the hook. Whereas a woman stricken in years, and having lost her
beautiful allurements is disregarded, & lookt on as no fit subject for
love to treat on: not but she may have as youthful desires as any; and
if that way inclin’d, none so prone as she. For knowing she hath nothing
but her wealth to attract withal, she will freely part with it for her
self-satisfaction; and that she may not loose her Stallion, constantly
encourage him even to the exhausting of what she hath. Moreover, finding
the man to answer her expectations, she studies all ways imaginable how
to please him in every thing, that he may please her in that one thing.

But to my purpose: coming to _Balle-more-Eustace_, a little beyond the
Town, (which is in the County of _Wicklow_) there is a small River in
the Summer-time not above knee-deep; I perceived a young woman about to
cross it; drawing to the water, she stood not on the niceties of
modesty, but pulled up her Cloaths to the wast. The sight hereof stopt
me, and as near as I could opposite to her. She minded me not, but came
straight over to me, and at about three yards distance let down her
Coats. I observed so many excellencies that my blood began to boyl, and
my flesh was all of a flame. For her hair which naturally curled, and
was plaited, was of a bright flaxen, each hair in the Sun glittered like
a thread of Gold.

Here take notice by the way, that the Maids for the most part, Winter
and Summer, go without any coverings on their head, which they wash all
over every night; the meaner sort as soon as married wear Kerchers. She
had an Angelical countenance, onely somewhat brownish by the Suns
frequent kissing of it; I know not whether I may adjudge that a
deformity. The skin of her body might vye with Snow for whiteness. I
dismounted, & addrest my self to her in _English_; she answered me in
her own language, _she understood me not_: Then did I make use of that
little _Irish_ I had learned, which were some fragments of lecherous
expressions, to which she replied, but I understood her not. To be
brief, I so far prevailed that I got her into a small Wood, in which the
thick & spreading tops of the trees seemed to lay their heads together
in conspiracy to keep not only the Suns entry, but also the curious
search of any mortals eye. She permitted me to kiss, dally, lay my hand
on her thighs, _&c._, which were the only Preludiums of what should
follow. But herein I mistook, for their dispositions are much different
from the _English_. We use to say, that where we gain over any woman the
liberty to use the hand, we cannot fail of doing what we most desire:
whereas quite contrary they will without the least opposition permit the
first, but with the greatest difficulty admit of the last. For as soon
as she saw me ready to engage, she cryed out incessantly,
_Whillallalloo_; and presently I could hear this ululation ecchoed. I
had just recovered my Horse, when two or three fellows came running to
me, the one with a Flail, the rest with long Poles. The first salutation
I received was from the Flail, which failed but little of doing my
business: the next my Horses Crupper received; the poor beast being
civilly bred, could do no less then return them a Congee with his leg,
which made one of them fall on his knees to his Master, as if he had
been Monarch of that Soil. These two Rogues stood stiffly to me,
insomuch that I knew not what course to take. The Villains were so
nimble, that one of them was continually before me hindring my flight,
whilst the other drub’d me forward. I bethought my self of a Pistol I
had in my Pocket charged without a bullet; I drew it, presented, and
pretended I would fire if they desisted not; for these stupid fellows
apprehended not the danger: perceiving how stupidly senseless they were,
I fir’d it full in the face of him that fronted me, who verily believ’d
he had been shot, & so out of conceit (for they are naturally very
timerous) fell down as dead; the other seeing that, ran away as swift as
lightning, whereby I had leave to ride on, which I did (you may think)
with no ordinary speed. Lovers may talk of their sufferings by their
Mistress frowns, or obdurateness, but let any one judge of mine by the
blows I received; sighing is nothing to fighting, and a few tears are
not to come in competition with dry basting. Pox on them they made me
out of conceit with love for six weeks after. I never thought of
enjoying a woman since, but the remembrance of those three Bog-trotters
converted the hot fit of my amorous Fever into a cold one.

A little way from _Baltinglass_ I took up my quarters for that night.
The Inn I lay in was one story high, about the height of an
extraordinary Pigsty, and there was one Chimney in it too, more then
there is to be found in one of an 100 such Hovils. The good man welcom’d
me after his fashion, but I think an _Anthropophagus_ or _Indian_
Man-eater would have done it as civily. I bid him set up my Horse by
signs, (for that was the language we converst in) but alass there was no
other Stable but what was at the end of our Kitchin; our Dining-room,
Bed-chamber, Pigsty, Pantry and Buttery, being all one, without
distinction or separation. Some few Wattles (as they call them) were
placed above, that was our Hay-loft. The onely door of our Inn was a
large hurdle, much like a sheep-pen. The _Bannettee_ or good wife of the
house, could speak a little broken _English_. I askt her what I should
have for Supper? _Thou shalt have a Supper said she for St. _Patrick_ a
gra._ I staid an half hour expecting when she would lay down something
to the fire, but instead thereof she brings me in a Wooden Platter a
great many Leeks, in the bottom whereof was a good quantity of Bay-salt,
and withal a loaf as black as if the Meal had been wetted with Ink.
_Seest tou tere, Chreest himself nor St. _Patrick_ did ever eat better
ting._ I could not forbear smiling, which put her into a great passion:
For if a man eats not what they set before him, they think themselves
highly affronted. Because I would please them (not knowing but that I
might find as bad sawce here) I pretended to eat, conveying it into my
Boots. After supper I askt them for a clean Pipe; the woman brought me
one about an inch long, telling me it was very clean, for her Husband
had not smoakt in it above ten times. I judged it to be the ruines of
the first Pipe that was made, which was conveyed from one of that family
to another, conditionally they should constantly smoke in it without
burning it. They offered me some snuff too; which is one of the greatest
kindnesses they can either show or be shown. I called for some drink,
(to try whether that corresponded with the rest) and so it did, for
there was no swallowing it without chewing. Finding but little
satisfaction I desired to go to Bed. That I should instantly, they said,
but I wondered where they intended to lay me. In a little while in came
a lusty wench with a bundle of rushes on her head, my bed it seemed by
the sequel, which she spreading on the ground, covered them with a
_Caddow_ or Rugg. Here I must lye or no where, patience was my onely
comfort; wherefore stripping my self to my drawers and Stockings, I laid
my self down. About two hours after came in two Cows, three or four
Piggs, some Ducks and Geese, (which they brought not in before, out of
civility to me.) All their family being within doors; the good Man, his
Wife, and two Daughters, stripping themselves stark naked, lay down
altogether by my side, which seem’d somewhat strange to me. I could
hardly forbear the two young ones, but that my late misfortune was so
fresh in my memory.

I could not sleep all that night, wherefore very early I discharged my
Reckoning, and so set forward for _Dublin_ with all the expedition I
could, not liking the Country-entertainment. I would not ride the same
way back as I came, to avoid my bone-breakers; but it had been as well;
for coming to a River that I must foard, I askt a fellow which was the
safest place: he pretending no knowledge of what I said, wherefore
making signs to him, he answer’d me again with his hand, directing me to
such a place: at the first step my Horse and I plunged over head and
ears; and had not my Horse been strong, we had both perished. With much
difficulty we got up the bank on the other side, and looking behind me,
the villain was e’ne almost out of sight. Such causeless revenge they
frequently exercise towards the _English_, naturally hating us with a
perfect antipathy. I returned at length to my old Hostess, resolving
when next I undertook such a journey, I would steer by the compass of
other mens experience.

                             CHAP. XXVIII.

    _The manner of his stealing an Hogshead of _French_ Wine
        from the Custom-house._

Tracing the street, I chanced to cast my eye on a fellow, the slowness
of whose pace informed me of the idleness of his condition. His garb was
so preposterously unsuitable, that a man could not possibly look on him
without excessive laughter. To the intent you may participate with me in
the same sport, I shall open his Wardrobe. In general there was not any
thing he did wear that had not some times another property, & of which
one might derive another Pedigree. The Hat he had on was devested of all
Royal Dignity, having lost its Crown, and yet his crime would not be
allowed of as Capital. But what it wanted in one place was supplied in
another, the brims whereof being so large, they might have conveniently
served as a Pent-house for another besides himself. But this ingenious
Squire politickly had pin’d up the brims on one side, that he might have
some light to discern his way; his Hat thus pin’d up on the one side
lookt much like a trap-door pull’d up. His Band was so torn and dirty,
as if he had but just come from some fray; and lest passion should prove
obnoxious, time had done him that courtesie to purge away his choler. In
what condition his Doubtlet was behind, I could plainly discover through
the holes of his Cloak, which generally was so transparent, that the
rents and patches of several colours of his cloaths were as visible as
if you had lookt through Lawn. The forepart of his Doublet and his
Breeches I am confident were the off-spring of the Furniture of a
Billiard-Table. His Cloak proceeded from a Boat-tilt, whose Grandfather
was an Horse-cloth; and I could not look on his Breeches, but it put me
in mind of the _Scotch_ Flaggs that hung up in _Westminster_. His skirts
were so liquor’d and greas’d, that in case of extremity they might have
served for belly-pieces, not using any thing but their own fatness to
fry them in. By his countenance he seemed like a man of courage and
ingenuity, and so I could not chuse but endeavour his relief. Wherefore
I accosted him, pretending I had seen him somewhere, but could not for
the present call to mind the place. His necessity made him assent to
whatever I said; and desiring his company to an Ale-house, he readily
granted my request. By what unhappy accident he became thus miserable, I
know not, but the man was well furnisht both with natural and acquir’d
parts. Having had various discourses of several matters, and that we
began to be familiarly acquainted, I askt him why he rapt himself up so
close in his Cloak? _O Sir_, said he, _(to be plain) I have a maim’d
Doublet, and I have heard some say, there is nothing more prejudicial to
a wound than the intromission of Air_; which that Network garment of
yours (said I) will never be able to keep out. He replyed, _’Tis true,
Sir, I find it so, but I wish it were a Net, for then I might employ my
self by fishing_.

I was so well pleased in my new acquaintance, that (bidding him stay
there till my return, which should be speedy) I went and procured him
all things necessary for to cover his nakedness: the last thing he put
on was his Shoes; finding them to have Soals, they added new life to

               _But did before in one condition roul,
               And both appear’d as if they had no Soul._

Having thus cast (Colt-like) his ragged Coat, I was not ashamed to walk
with him in the streets; coming to the Custom-house we saw several Pipes
and Hogsheads of Wine. Viewing all the places belonging thereunto, said
I, Methinks it is no difficult matter to steal one of these Hogsheads,
had I but assistance. You shall not want mine, Sir, (said he) even to
the hazard of my life, which I shall never look on as a sufficient
requital for this singular favour you have now conferr’d on me. Having
walkt there a while, we went down to a place called _Lazy hill_, where I
found out two or three pure Rogues more, one whereof had a Boat. I
informed them of my design; they willingly promised their helping hand,
and the time appointed for the effecting our intentions, was that night
about twelve. Accordingly we all met, and having procured an empty
Hogshead, we fill’d it with water, and away we went in the Boat. The
tide ebbing had left dry ground underneath the Key, where I planted
three of our company, instructing them that assoon as they found the
Coast cleer above, they should with slings (which they had for that
purpose) leave the Hogshead of water, & exchange it for one of wine;
which done, they should march off immediately. I and my new Comerade
marcht up the Custom-house stairs, where we encountred with two old
Watchmen. They askt us what our business was, we told them we had no
other design but to drink with them, having been a little frolicksome
the other side of the water. The old Watchmen were very joyful at this
news, and so giving one of them money to fetch some drink, the other
carried me to the Lodge. The drink being come, they minded that so much,
they had forgotten their duty; & I plyed them so close with whole ones,
that they were incapable of holding one more: in the mean time my
Comrogues were gone; pretending our boat was a drift, we took our
leaves; for then we could go along by the shore side, leaving this paper
on one of the Hogsheads, I left them.

               _What _Moses_ did in the Creators name,
               By art Egyptian Magick did the same.
               Since I have read of Water turn’d to Wine,
               This Miracle is opposite to mine.
               For I (though never yet a Rhenish hater)
               Have by my art converted Wine to Water._

I have often heard these very lines (with some real circumstances of
this our exploit, but more fictitious) repeated to me as a very good
jest, which pleas’d me near upon as much as our purchase.

Being five of us concerned, we scorned to sell our Wine, but contracting
with some to find Sugar, with others _Westphalia hams_, or such like
relishing meats, and with others to be at the expence of Musick, but
every one to be at his own charge for Wenches; we never gave over
ranting and roaring till we had dreined the Hogshead dry.

                              CHAP. XXIX.

    _His Landlady dyeth, and so is left again to live by his
        wits; his Comerade is hanged, with some hints of his
        desperate, irreligious, and atheistical tenents._

In the height of our jollity, word was brought me that my Landlady was
dangerously sick, and that she desired to speak with me instantly;
thinking it was onely a fit of lecherous and salacious itch, I made no
great haste, but at length I went: Assoon as I entred within her doors,
I received the sad tydings of her death. I ran up stairs (not believing
this report, because I would not have it so) but found it too true:
viewing her as she lay, I perceived her hand fast clincht: I took it
into mine, and wrenching it open, there dropt ten pieces of Gold, which
I conceive she intended to have bestowed on me whilest living, as her
last Legacy. I conveyed them privately into my Pocket, and presently
made enquiry how she had disposed of her Estate; but I received little
or no satisfaction herein, only to my great vexation, I heard she often
to the very last called much upon me.

I stayed not above two or three days in the house, but I was forced to
leave it.

I met with my obliged friend, to whom I communicated my late misfortune:
he like an experienc’d Stoick counsel’d me to bear my loss patiently,
since that is below a man to repine at any sublunary casualty, much more
to sink under the burden of any vexatious cross, or remediless loss. We
discoursed, what expedient we were best to take, and to encrease our
small stocks by some witty exploit. We propounded many things which we
approved not of. We thought of turning Highway-men; but I disswaded him
from that, by informing him that money was very scarce, and that men of
500_l._ _per annum_ usually travelled 30 or 40 miles with a single
_Cob_, or piece of eight, not so much for fear of robbing as for want of
Coyn; and that is the reason that all sorts of provision are very cheap,
because there is so great a scarcity of that should purchase them. Why
then said he, there is mony enough in the Exchequer. But said I, it is
so difficult to come at, that I will not hazard my life in the attempt.
Hearing me speak in this manner, he lookt upon me in derision: saying,
_That fear was a passion unworthy to be lodg’d in the Soul of man, and
that there is nothing here which a man either should or need to fear,
_Secundem Religionem Stoici_: And that man deserved not the fruition of
the least happiness here, that would not, rather then go without it,
venture his neck_.

We had so hot a contest about this, that we parted in anger, and never
saw him afterwards till I heard of his condemnation, which was
occasioned by the prosecution of what he propounded to me. Two or three
more besides himself combined to rob the Exchequer, but were apprehended
in the enterprize, committed, arraigned at the Bar, convicted and
condemned. Hearing hereof, I gave him a visit in Prison; expressing much
sorrow for what he was to suffer: but he onely laught at me for my
pains. I desir’d him to be more serious, since three dayes would put a
period to his life, and then he must give an account of what he had done
on earth; and that though we might sooth up our selves in all manner of
debauchery here, yet without cordial repentance we must suffer for it
hereafter. Prethee, said he, do not trouble thy head with such idle
fancies. That there is a God I cannot, nor will not deny, since there
are Regiments of Arguments levied both from the stately fabrick of the
arched Heaven, and from the inimitable embroidery of the flowry earth
which are sufficient to conquer that infidelity, and render men
tributaries to the all-forming Essence. But that this God should be so
unjust (who is al goodness) as to make the intent of my Creation
damnation, it shall never come within the verge of my belief: if there
be any punishment for criminal commissions, it must be annihilation, or
nothing. Quote not me the Scriptures for my conviction if I err, since
they are full of contradictions, and contain many things incredible.
Neither do I know (since we are forbidden murder) why _Abraham_ should
kill his Son _Isaac_ and the same person commit Adultery with his maid
_Hagar_, (which is largely describ’d) and yet we are commanded the
contrary; if we borrow or steal, we are enjoyn’d to make restitution;
notwithstanding, the _Israelites_ were permitted to borrow the
_Egyptians_ Earrings without giving satisfaction. In this manner I could
cavil _ad infinitum_; and yet this Book is the Basis of Christianity.
Let me tell me you plainly, Religion at first was only the quaint
_Leger-de-main_ of some strong pated Statesmen, who to overawe the
Capriciousness of a giddy multitude, did forge the opinion of a punisher
of all humane evil actions. What was _Mahomet_ but an Impostor, whose
palpable cheats grew up in his successors into a Religion, and whose
inventions were and are receiv’d with as much adoration by the wisest of
men, as is the Orthodox Veneration (as they term it) to a Deity, which
is the object of Christian worship. The Popes piety is onely pride and
ambition, and yet he pronounces Damnation against all such as are not of
his belief, &c. If you will know the diversity of Religions, (all
oppugning on the other) take a view thereof in Mr. _Ross_ his
_Pansebeia_. Now seeing the rational soul hath fail’d so oft and so
absurdly in its discoveries, how or why should we submit our selves
slavishly to its determinations. For that which doth at some times err,
can never at any time be concluded infallible. He would have proceeded,
but I desir’d him to desist.

Now his prophane and irreligious discourse did so bore my glowing ears,
that notwithstanding the wickedness of my own nature, I could not endure
to hear him blaspheme; wherefore instead of endeavouring to rectifie his
erroneous judgement, (for to speak the truth, my knowledg at that time
was but slender in the doctrine of Christianity) I durst not discourse
longer with him, but left him to his own Conscience for conviction,
which I judg’d would be powerful with him at the place of Execution.

The day being come, I resolved to see the final end of my friend. And
there did I enjoy the fruits of my hopes and wishes. For as soon as the
Halter was about his neck, he roared so loud with his voice, that it
could not but awake the most lethargick conscience that ever the Devil
lull’d asleep. There I might see and know by the urinal of his eyes, and
the water standing therein, what convulsion-fits his soul suffer’d, his
own mouth confessing how grievously his diseased soul was stretched upon
the rack of despair: then it was that the voluminous Registers of his
conscience, which did formerly lye clasp’d in some unsearcht corner of
his memory, were laid open before him; and the Devil, who hitherto gave
him the lessening end of the prospect to survey his licentious courses
and damned opinion, now turned the magnifying end to his eye, which made
him cry out at last for mercy, and so was turn’d off.

                               CHAP. XXX.

    _He passeth for a Batchellor, Courts several under the
        pretence of Marrying them, by which he perswades some
        out of their Maiden-heads; others out of their Money,
        with which he goes for _England_; At _Chester_ he cheats
        his Landlord, where having all things requisite to
        compleat an Highway-man, followeth that trade: he is met
        with by some of that gang, who intending to rob him, he
        discovers his intentions, and they admit of him into
        their society._

Being left now to shift for my self, having lost the main prop that
sustain’d me in all conditions, husbanding well the advantage of this
contrary wind, I presently set the engine of my brain to work, and thus
it was; I addrest my self to Courtship. Beauty was not the mark I aimed,
the purchase thereof producing little profit, since it self is most
commonly the sole reward; neither can a man attain to it but by great
expence, outvying all therein, least any interpose. Either wealthy and
aged widdows, or thrifty Maids, who had laid up what they had gotten in
Service as a bait to procure an Husband, such did I daily hunt out and
visit by turns. I was not sparing of amorous expressions, shewing
therein the height of zeal, by which means I deluded several. Some I was
forced to give earnest to for their Goods, before they would trust me
with what they had. This course I followed till I was generally taken
notice of for a grand deceiver. Having now gotten a round sum of money
by me, I borrowed where ever I could; so crossing S. _Georges_ Channel,
in twenty four hours I landed at _Chester_. I took up my quarters in a
very graceful Inn, and gave out immediately that I had an hundred head
of Cattel coming. The Master of the house taking notice of my
extraordinary Garb, and believing the report which I had caus’d to be
spread abroad, lodg’d me with much respect in one of the best Chambers
of his house.

The Wind favoured my design as much as I could desire, for it blew
East-North-East, by which no Shipping could come out of _Ireland_. One
day I came to my Landlord, and telling him that by reason of the
non-arrival of my Cattel, I was disappointed of Moneys, and therefore I
desired him to lend me ten pounds, and he should satisfie himself in the
first choice of the best of my beasts when they came, and swore to him I
would perform my promise to him upon the word of a Gentleman. So that
without any scruple he lent me the money. Being Market-day, I bought an
excellent Gelding with Furniture thereunto belonging, with Sword and
Pistols, and in this Equipage mounted; I taking my leave of my credulous
Landlord without speaking a word to him: I had not rid far, before three
well mounted rid by me, (I found them afterwards to be the Van-guard)
having as many more in the Rear. At the bottome of an Hill they before
faced about, and bidding me stand, those in the Rear reinforc’d the Van.
One of them clapping a Pistol at my breast, commanded me forthwith to
deliver, Swearing three or four full-mouth’d Oaths. I saw it was now to
little purpose to resist, although I was so well arm’d, and therefore
endeavoured a conquest some other way, _viz._ by smooth expressions.
Gentlemen (said I) ye are all mistaken; neither do I greatly wonder
thereat, since I verily believe ye are fresh-men, men of a days standing
in the study of this noble Science, otherwise you might have
distinguisht me from an honest man; for I think in this Garb and
posture, I look as suspitiously as any of ye; onely I think I take a
better course then ye to avoid apprehension, and reap to my self greater
satisfaction. For ye rob in companies, and if any one be taken, his just
fears frequently betray himself, but oftner the rest to destruction:
whereas I robbing singly, I rob securely. Now Sirs freely examine my
Pockets, where finding store of Coyn, they demanded how I came by it? I
invented a lye to their general satisfaction; which was, I had met with
a Booty a little before I met with them, which was the occasion of my
being so well furnisht; but that which confirm’d them most, was my being
so well provided with Pistols in my Holsters, Pockets and Boots. Instead
of doing what they intended, they were then of another opinion, and all
of them carest me in a very high manner; resolving to be merry at the
next Inn, and there to admit me as a Brother.

Having set up their Horses, they went into a Room before, whil’st I
stayed some time after for the benefit of easing nature; coming in among
them I thought my self mistaken in my company, and made a proffer to go
out again; but they laughing heartily called me back. I knew not one
person, for they had pull’d off their false Beards, Vizards, Hoods,
Patches, Wens, Mufflers and Perriwigs, together with those other
disguises that obscured the natural proportion of their faces, so that
they appeared as other men. Come said the chief (as I guest him to be by
the sway he bore over the rest) you are a freshman, and therefore want
some of our instructions, which in due time you shall receive from us.
In the first place it is fit that you take an Oath which every young
Thief must observe that is admitted into the Brother-hood, or at his
investation into the honour of one of the Knights of the Road: which was
to this effect. First, they read a charge of secrecy, that whatever
misfortune happened to cloud their freedom by rendring them as an object
to Justice and the Law, they should conceal their Complices to the
death, or against any other jeopardy whatsoever, burying in oblivion not
only his Confederates, but also his manner of entrance into this way.

And further, they proceeded to swear me, that if the Judges should press
me to a discovery of particulars, that then I must cunningly create some
men in my fancy, devising not only Names, but to give each man a
particular feature, describing their stature, complexion and age, as
also their dwelling place. Still provided that the place of their abode
be far enough off: And then before enquiry be made, the danger of the
tryal may be over or past; and then again this pretended discovery may
purchase favour from the Bench.

Further, if I should be examined, why, and how I fell into these
courses, I must then tell them that I was born a Gentleman, and well
educated; but being a younger brother, I had not wherewithal allowed me
for a subsistance, and rather then I would live beneath my birth, or
disparage the stock from whence I came (here fetching a deep sigh, and
looking very sadly) necessity constraining me to supply my wants, I fell
into these wicked courses; which will make them think you are some
misled young man whom temptations had drawn aside, and so cause them to
take pity of your condition; and if their mercy extend to the remision
of your guilt, it shall not only rest you from the punishment of the
Law, but from the persecution of your past evils.

By this means we may have liberty to fall to our old courses; nor must
conscience trouble us, but dispence with every impiety, and glory in the
greatest iniquities, counting him most honourable who is grown the
oldest and most exquisite experienced Practitioner of all manner of
vice. Much more was committed to my memory for future observation, which
for brevity sake I shall omit.

                              CHAP. XXXI.

    _Some Instructions given me by our Grand master-Thief._

After I was sworn, and full bowls of Sack had trould round, our grand
Master-Thief, composing his Countenance, and looking very gravely, Come
my new and young Knight of the Road, be ruled by me, whose long
experience makes me able to command, and my love to you willing to
instruct you. Ever lurk or lie in some by-place most advantageous and
least suspitious which yields the eye the prospect of the Road: so
strictly view the Booties, that other mens misfortunes may enrich your
condition, and the honest mans loss be your gain; and be sure you draw
every advantage that may promote your cause, to the longest extent. For
your Masks and Chin-cloth, thus must you place them and fit them at a
moment to disguise your face, thereby to blind the intellects of such as
by constraint pay tribute to your wants; who then can know & with
considerate heed directly swear you are the man, when these artificial
vizards are withdrawn, and so the visible tokens vanish that might
inform mens knowledge what you are? and that your words may have a
different sound, alter your voice, that so as your habit, face, and
haire obscure your discovery, your speech (reputed undisguiseable) will
add to your concealment and security.

Be sure you ingeniously contrive a Watch-word to your selves that may
occasion no suspition; as, we are like to have a fair day or a foul,
according as the weather is like to prove; which being nam’d, let every
man fall to his work; those that are strongest at the grasp, and have
hearts accordingly, let them seize first, alwayes duly observing this,
to catch the bridle by the left hand, and with the right draw your
Sword. If he or they resist, the one prevents his flight, the other
cuts, and so cools his courage. The weaker sorts charge is to bid stand,
and confronting the Horses head, present a Pistol fit for to discharge.
If they deny delivering patiently what they have, but contend, you must
wave all niceties, but cut them soundly; if that will not qualifie their
foolish presumption, be sure you fire not without doing Execution, and
then with all speed fly, after you have with expedition taken the
pillage of the field.

If you are pursu’d by an Hue and Cry, obscure your self in some place or
other, and let it pass by you, and then to be sure it will never
overtake you. If a prize comes by, or in your sight, if up the Hill,
meet him; if down, follow close at the heels, and having more in company
then your self, let each man single out his choice which he likes to
deal with: the coast being clear, fall up all to your close order and
side, be sure that you joyntly seize your prize. But here observe, let
not any baseness of spirit unman you. For (_speaking to me_) nature hath
bestow’d on you the full proportion of limbs, and thou seem’st a man of
courage, suitable to the largeness of thy manly size, but be not
surpriz’d with fear or cowardise if the assailed boldly assaults thee.

Full fraught with the Documents which I receiv’d from my old experienced
Master, I resolv’d upon some atchievement: between two and three in the
afternoon, I my self with four more set out; we planted our selves in a
convenient place, only I was sent out for a discoverer: not rightly
understanding my trade, I wandered too far, but in my digression I met
with a single person whom I bid stand, which he would have done, and as
willingly have surrendred his purse, but that he was mounted on a
stone-horse, I on a Mare. Assoon as I had given the word, his
stone-horse wheel’d off and came in the rear of me: I thinking he
intended to crupper me, endeavoured all wayes imaginable to prevent him,
for there was something it seems under my Mares tail more powerful,
which at that time I dreamt not of. I led him round and round several
times circularly: the poor harmless Gentleman fearing he should provoke
me too much by delays, the unruliness of his Horse hindring my seising
the Booty, cry’d out, Worthy Sir, take what I have and spare my life: at
that very instant his Horse reared his two fore-feet upon me and my
Mare, in so much that I thought he said, I’le take both Life and Money
too presently; fear had then rendred me so incapable of performing the
office of a Thief. With that I put spurs to my Mare, and flew through
the air for the procuration of my safety. Notwithstanding I made what
speed I could, the other was close at my heels: striving and kicking
with both my legs, one of my Pistols went off in my Pocket: the
apprehension of the present danger had bereft me of the true use of my
sense, for I imagined that my back-friend had discharged at me, which
made me roar out for quarter. He on the contrary concluded I fought
_Tartar_-like flying, and that I had fired it at him, which made him
with much eagerness eccho out with repetition this expression, _As you
are a man, shew your self merciful_. Sometimes he would say, For heavens
sake hold, good Sir stop; which made me ride more furiously, thinking he
called to the Country, Hold him, stop him; at last do what I could, his
Stone-horse leapt up upon us, at that instant (by what means I know not)
we all came headlong to the ground. I expected now that my imaginary
adversary would be upon me, and cut my throat before I could recover my
legs, wherefore I started up, and found my mortal foe up before me, and
upon the run. I could have hang’d my self to think I should be reckoned
among the number of men, and yet want that spirit and courage which
compleats a man: but loosing no time, I pursu’d him, and easily made my
self possessor of what he had; Sirrah, said I, if e’re I meet thee
again, and find thee so obstinate, or durst resist, as now thou hast
done, I will tye thee to a Tree in some obscure place, where none can
hear thy doleful cryes, and there for six days thou shalt have no other
food but what I shall bring thee. Once a day during that term I will
visit thee, and each days Meat shall be either a piece of thine own
Sword broken into small bits, or those Bullets (which thou intendest for
the destruction of honest men) dissolv’d, and mingled with Gunpowder,
which shall be convey’d to thy mouth through the muzzle of thine own
Pistol. It pleased me exceedingly to see how pitifully and submissively
he look’t: for verily I durst not have utter’d half so much if he had
shown an austere countenance.

As I was framing a lye to delude my Comerades (when I should meet them)
into a belief how valiant I was, and dextrous in prosecution of that
design I had newly undertaken, I lookt about me & saw them all at my
elbow. I now believ’d (which I easily perceiv’d by their flearing looks)
that they were all eye-witnesses of my dangerous encounter. Oh brother,
said one, how is’t? are you well? I askt him the reason of his
impertinent question? Because, said he, we took notice of the great
danger you were in even now, narrowly escaped of being shot by a
Pocket-Inkhorn. Without doubt, brother, you are very hard hearted to fly
(riding full speed) at the very naming of, _Good Sir be merciful_. The
poor harmless soul making frequent repetition thereof, but you stopping
your ears from all intreaties, his Stone horse seem’d to be his
advocate, and to that intent ran after your Mare, endeavouring to court
her into an intercession for his Master.

I should never have stopt their mouths had I not shew’d them what I had
gotten, which was not inconsiderable.

It was twy-light as we met with another Prize, which was of a different
temper from the former. For though he and his fellow-traveller were
(comparatively to any of us) but Pigmies, yet of so undaunted resolution
and unresistable courage, that neither threats of death, or torture (I
am confident) could dull the edges of their couragious spirits, which
might be in part understood by their deportment to us: for had we not
slasht, carbonadoed, and forceably bound them, rather then they would
have yielded willingly, they would have stoopt to death. Our power
having subdued them, we withdrew them into a secret place, leaving them
not any thing valuable. Then did I learn to search with so strict care,
that sooner might the Grand _Turk_ turn _Roman_ Catholick then conceal a
penny from me; here was I taught to be deaf when the poor Traveller
cries he is undone; and to be more flinty then Adamant, not to be mov’d
with sighs or tears. Having ingag’d them by Oath not to follow us by Hue
and Cry, or by means of a general rising of the Towns adjacent; these
two fellows robbed, rifled and amazed, we left wrapt up in woes, and
hasted away to secure ourselves.

I shall conclude this Chapter with a Relation how I was quit with my
Comrades upon the account of fear or timorousness. Neither could they
justly tax me with it, since they are things entail’d upon the
profession. For every Crow that flies extracts a fear, and every thing
that doth but stir, or make the bushes rush, seem’d to our fearful fancy
a Constable to apprehend us for our Theft. I cannot forget how strong a
confusion arose amongst us by a trifle; the means were so small, and the
occasion so ridiculous, that when after I thought thereon (though by my
self) I could not forbear laughing excessively, and condemn the temerity
of such minds so meanly spirited. ’Twas thus in short: An Owle who to
gain shelter from the troubles of a Sunshine day, when all the airy
tribe (wandring) flock to him, screen’d himself in the obscure retired
residence of an hollow tree; no sooner had he cloister’d up himself, but
between discontent and something of a pleasing satisfaction he first
utter’d his amazing screeks, being in a slumber, and dreaming of the
assaults were made at him by his feather’d enemies of all sorts, and
then again awaking, whoopt for joy that he was delivered from them; thus
did he whoop and hollow incessantly, which infus’d such a terrour into
our distrustful minds, that Whips, Switches and Spurs were all too few
to expedite our hast. For we absolutely thought those Hollows were the
out-cryes of the Country following us for what we had committed. We at
length took Sanctuary in an Inn, where we had some interest and
confidence in our security.

Understanding that our days work had been prosperous, our Host calls
lustily for Sack, which the drawer doubles in the Bar; the Hostler must
be one of our company too, and hail fellow with us, who knowing what
courses we take, presume we dare not cavil, lest they betray our
practises. _Sic nos non nobis._ So we rob for them, and not for our
selves; for by that time we have profusely frolickt (a bill whereof
shall be brought in of twice as much as we called for) and have bestowed
our largesses to the Servants, and offer’d up our (expected) sacrifices
to our Landlady, or her Daughter, for some private favour received, we
find our selves to have the least share, and so betake our selves to our
trade till apprehension take from us that liberty, and the Law
sentenceth us to pay our lives as a just debt we owe to Justice.

                              CHAP. XXXII.

    _Scouring the Road, he lights on a Farmers house which he
        intended to rob, but desists from that resolution,
        falling in Love with his Daughter, who was exceeding
        beautiful; gets her with Child, under the pretence of
        Marriage, but afterwards refusing it, She and her
        Parents tax him with the undoing of the young Woman;
        whereupon he leaveth them, giving them no other
        satisfaction then what they could gather out of a Copy
        of Verses he sent them._

Riding along the Road, I met with a young Girl with a Milk-Pail on her
head, but I was amaz’d to see such perfection in one mortal face. I rid
up to her very near, purposely to entertain some discourse with her,
introductory to a future acquaintance: considering the ground, you may
imagine the questions I propounded to this pretty Rural Innocent were
frivolous enough; as, which was the readiest way to such a place, _&c._
which with much respect and modest confidence she resolv’d. She opening
a gate to milk her Cows, I followed, and tying my horse to an hedge, I
beg’d her an excuse for being so rude, and beseecht her charitable
opinion of my present actions, assuring her I would not offer the least
injury nor prejudice to her chastity. Being over-perswaded with my
protestations and vows to that purpose, she admitted me to sit down and
discourse with her whilest she performed the office of a Milk-maid. I
could hardly contain my self within bounds when I viewed her pretty
little hand _stroking the Duggs_, which indeed had so heightned my
amorous passion, that I soon forgot my Oaths and Promises, but after
some dalliance, what by intreaties and love-perswasions, and what by
corporal strength, I obtained my desires. We then grew somewhat more
familiar, but the burden of the Song was, _I had undone her_; let him
that reads judge the truth thereof. We conclude at length that she
should go home to her Fathers house, and that near night I would come
thither likewise, according to the time appointed, as if I had never
seen her before, and that I casually rid that way for information in the
steering of my course regularly in the prosecution of my journey.

She subtilly goes in, and acquaints her Father and Mother that there was
a Gentleman (without) whom by his countenance, garb and gesture, shew’d
himself no less; that fearing to travel farther, being night, knowing
not the way, desir’d to rest himself there till morning. With much
respects from her Parents to her own great satisfaction (which I
discern’d in her eyes) I was kindly entertain’d, and nobly treated. That
night we intended to be better acquainted by the renovation of our late
enjoyments; but our unlucky Starrs were impropitious to our amorous
designs. Next morning I seem’d to be very ill, that I might have some
pretence for my staying, which I acquainted the Daughter withal, the old
people were very loving and courteous, so that as soon as they heard
thereof, with much pitty they visited me, and with as much care they
provided what was necessary for me. I offer’d them money, shewing good
store of Gold, that they might have the better esteem of me. Thus I lay
for at least a fortnight; several Doctors had been with me, but none
knew my distemper. All this while I nightly had the society of my fresh
Country Mistres, who deviated from the common customes of her Sex, did
not coyishly refuse that which was the _center_ of her hopes, wishes and
desires. Fearing least I might be suspected, I left off counterfeiting,
and shew’d them some recovery of my strength. When at any time the good
old people would come into my Chamber to sit with me, the main subject
of my discourse would be the resentments of their favours, and that if I
liv’d I would gratefully repay them. Being restor’d to my former
healthful condition, I one day told them I could never recompence their
love and care of me but by marrying their Daughter, whom I told them I
loved most affectionately. Her Parents made many excuses. As that she
was but a poor Country Girle, and the like, but glad I perceived they
were to hear such an over-prized motion. Enquiries I made in a
Neighbouring Town what this farmer was, whom I understood by all to be
very wealthy, and that time was not more careful to furnish him with
silver Hairs, then he industrious to maintain them by the procuration of
a plentiful Estate: My wanton was his only Darling, for whom he furrowed
the surface of the Earth, and for whom he chose rather to sell then to
eat his better sort of Provision, that he might add to her Portion. It
was now he thought he had well bestowed his labour, since he had met
with such a blessed opportunity wherein he should add Gentility to his
daughters riches. O the slaughter of Piggs, Geese, Capons, which as to
some Idol were Sacrifices diurnally offered to procure my favour! And as
he was liberal in his Food, so was not I sparing in the sending for
Wine, six Dozen of Bottles at a time: So that the Old man was brought to
this pass, that he cared not whether he spent his Estate on me, or gave
it; and that young Girl so well pleased with her imaginary Paradise
here, that I am confident she would never have been induced to have
exchanged this for any other on equal terms. Inexpressable was our
satisfaction on all hands, but nothing gave them greater content then to
see us together, by which we had as many opportunities as we listed. My
main aim was still to know of my young Mistress what store of Coyn her
Father had, and where it lay, but to my great grief and vexation she
told me he had not five pound within doors, having lately bought a
purchase. I now thought it was to little purpose to stay longer, since I
could not glean from her Fathers harvest, though I had reapt the _crop_
of her Mothers labour, and so resolved to be going, but not without one
nights solemn leave taking of her. The night being come, she purposely
stayed up till all the rest were gone to bed. But we being too
imprudently hasty in the Kitchin, stumbled against two Barrels piled one
on the other and fell; and we both were so intangled, that we could not
disingage our selves so soon, but that her Father came out crying, _In
the name of Goodness what is the matter?_ And groping about caught me by
the naked breech. Seeing there was no remedy, I desired him to be
silent; and not spread his Daughters disgrace; if so, I would make her
shortly a recompence. The old man was very much perplext, and could not
forbear telling his Wife of what had past. They both cryed out that
their Daughter was undone: The Daughter was in the same tone, unless I
would speedily marry her.

I stayed afterwards about some three dayes to colour the matter, and at
last marcht off _incognito_, sending her twenty pieces of Gold, and a
Coppy of Verses, which, although I knew they understood not, yet I could
not but express my self by writing, if for nothing else but mine own

       _Is it not strange thou and thy friends should say,
       Thou art undone by me? Lets see which way.
       Have I not done to my great toyl and pain,
       What all thy friends cannot undo again.
       Call but to mind the pleasures thou hast tasted,
       The hours and minutes which with thee I wasted
       To bring thee to perfection; and to teach
       Thee learning, far above the Sexes reach.
       Have I not taught thee oft’ Astronomy,
       Within thy Mothers Garden, shew’d thee all
       The Starry course, and Sphears Celestial.
       Did I not teach thee Poetry that night
       And how in Tripped Dactyls thou shouldst write.
       I taught thee then _Geometry_, the notion
       Of _length_ and _bredth_, _egality_, _proportion_
       Of _Quadrant Triangles_; the way to enter
       _Circles_, or _Semi-circles_; how the _Center_
       Stands ever _fixt_, how that every _line_
       _Direct_, or _oblique_, _circular_, or trine
       Hath still its _ending_; how to take the _height_
       Of any _blazing bearded Star_ by night.
       I taught thee _Musicks harmony_ to know,
       To keep _true time_, where thou shouldst _rest_, and how:
       Learn’d thee likewise thy notes, _large_, _long_, & brief,
       Prickt Minom, with a Crotchet, and the chief
       Of the lov’d Art, good discant for to make
       Upon a plain Song, _Discords_ also take
       With a sweet close, and meltingly to fall
       Into a Treble, ravishing withal.
       I shew’d thee why Artists hold six _Cliffs_ best,
       And why ’tis prized far above the rest,
       Because it keeps the middst; the very _heart_
       And Soul of Musick is the inner part.
       Yet art undone thou saidst? Is to impart
       The hidden secrets of mysterious art
       Undoing to thee. Hadst thou ever spent
       Thy means upon me, or thy money lent,
       And had not paid the Int’rest back to thee,
       Thou and thy friends might then have rail’d at me.
       What wert thou before I knew thee, but an Ass,
       A rude neglected home-spun Country lass,
       Knowing not how to speak, to go or look,
       But hide thy self when seen in every nook.
       And blush, nay tremble if thou wert found out;
       Strive to be gone again, scratch, cry, and pout
       If one but touch thy Apron, and wouldst spit
       In’s mouth should come to kiss thee: for thy wit
       It did extend but unto no, and I,
       Confess this truth, or else in faith you lye.
       This was thy eloquence; why did I love thee?
       Young, plump and fair thou wert, and that did move me.
       I took thee and refin’d thee, made thee new,
       Alter’d thy nature, chang’d thy former hew:
       Taught thee to kiss, embrace, and entertain
       A lover with that Sp’rit and catching vein,
       The Goddess of delight in her own sport
       May strive to equal thee, but must come short.
       Where hadst thou all thy _breeding_ but from me?
       Who _bound_ thee first, and now have made thee free?
       Thy petulant discourse, and apish toying,
       A change of humours, now a sullen coying,
       All which I taught thee, which do make thee rare,
       Now are thy Attributes as well as fair:
       And what content is in a simpering fool,
       A squeamish thing, she doth mans spirits cool;
       Beats back the flowing current of his blood,
       And ebbs it in the very spring or floud,
       ’Tis harsh to hear a School boy in one tone
       Repeat his lesson like a Bagpipes drone,
       But it doth ravish with delight the ear
       Well worded and sweet languag’d lines to hear,
       Pronounc’d by one hath skill and art to know
       When he should raise his voyce, when bring it low.
       For though a Poet write good Lines, it is
       The speaker that doth make them hit or miss.
       So though a Wench be nere so fair, so neat,
       Or well proportion’d, if she wont the feat
       Of acting well upon loves Theater,
       It will not make mans loving passion stir.
       She’s like one handsome in a splendid suit,
       Onely to fit a Stage and play the Mute
       And shall not go clapt off with frequent kisses,
       The Lovers _plaudit_, but distastful _hisses_.
       And such wert thou, when first I met with thee.
       Now have I brought thee to thy _excellence_
       With my excessive toyl, and dear _expence_
       Of my best blood; and, added to thee more
       Then was in all thy _Ancestors_ before
       _Gentility_. I have enricht thy mind
       With the chief Ornament of Woman kind
       Behaviour: Taught thee to live and spend
       Of thy own gettings, without help of friend.
       And have I this ungrateful _Girle_ for all
       That I have done to thee. Why dost thou call
       Me thy _Undoer_. How e’re I will forgive,
       For I’m in charity, and do believe
       The onely cause why I am taxt so sore
       With thy undoing, ’cause I do no more._

                             CHAP. XXXIII.

    _From this Farmers house he rides he cared not whither, On
        the Road he is strangely surprized by a Woman-robber in
        Mans apparrel; He discovers it by unbuttoning her
        Breeches to search for private Pockets within. They two
        conclude a perpetual Friendship._

Abruptly taking my leave of the Farmer and his loving Daughter, I rid a
long time, but met with none worthy of my taking Cognizance: being
wearied, I struck into an Inn, and by that time I had throughly refresht
my self, the evening began to approach. Whereupon I mounted, and so put
on, Passing by a small Coppice in a bottom between two Hills, a
Gentleman (as I then supposed) well armed, and handsomely accoutred,
started out upon me, and bid me deliver instantly. Hearing him say so, I
told him if he would have but the patience I would; and with that drew
out a Pocket-Pistol and fired it at him, without doing any execution. If
you are for a little sport (said the Gentleman) I shall show you some
instantly; whereupon drawing a Pistol he shot me into the leg: having so
done, with his Sword (which hung ready at his wrist) neatly at a blow he
cut the reins of my bridle, so that I was not able to guide my horse.
But he being good at command, and used to the charge, with the winding
of my body I gave him to understand what he was to do. Come Sir, said my
adversary, have you enough yet? In faith Sir, said I, I’le exchange but
one Pistol more, and if that prove insuccessful I shall submit to your
mercy. Whereupon I shot, but missed my mark, however I killed his Horse,
which instantly fell: my Gentleman was so nimble, that before I could
think what to do, he had sheathed his sword in my Horses belly, which
made me come tumbling down too with a _Horse-pox_. Once more, said my
Antagonist, we are upon equal terms, and since the obscurity of the
place gives us freedom, let us try our courages, one must fall. And
thereupon with his Sword (which was for cut and thrust) he made a full
pass at my bodie; but putting it by I closed in with him, and upon the
Hug threw him with much facility; I wondered much at it; which I need
not have done, since his nature (as afterwards I understood) was so
prone to it. Having him down, Now, Sir, said I, I shall teach you to be
careful on whom you set: you have as imprudently undertaken this
enterprize as a _Pickeroon_ did once, who seeing a Man of War high
built, and but few men aboard her discoverable, her Port-holes being
likewise fast, clapt her aboard immediately, thinking she had been a
Merchantman; but they found the contrary, the deck being instantly
filled with men that were below, and running out her Guns there could be
no wisdom in resistance. Wherefore now Sir yield, or I shall compel you.
With much reluctancy he did. With cords I had ready for that purpose, I
tyed both his hands and feet, and so fell to rifling him. Unbuttoning
his Doublet to find whether there was no Gold quilted therein, I
wondered to see a pair of Breasts so unexpectedly greater and whiter
then any mans; but being intent about my business, that amazement
vanisht from my thoughts. Then did I come to his breeches (which I laid
open) my curious search omitted not any place wherein I might suspect
the concealment of moneys: at last proffering to remove his shirt from
between his legs, he suddenly cryed out (and strove to lay his hand
there, but could not) I beseech you Sir be civil, said he: I imagining
that some notable _Treasure_ lay there obscured, I pulled up his shirt
(_alias_ Smock) and found my self not much mistaken.

The sight so surprized me, as if I had been converted into a Statue by
the head of a _Gorgon_, but after a little pause, I hastily unbound her,
and taking her in my Armes, Pardon me most couragious _Amazon_, (said I)
for thus rudely dealing with you, it was nothing but ignorance that
caused this errour; for could my dim-sighted soul have distinguisht what
you were, the greatness of love and respect I bear your Sex would have
deterred me from contending with you. But I esteem this my ignorance, my
greatest happiness, since knowledge in this case would have deprived me
of the benefit of knowing there could be so much Prowess in a Woman. For
your sake I shall ever retain (since you have restored it) a good esteem
of the worst of Females. She beg’d me not to be too tedious in my
expressions, nor pump for eloquent phrases, alledging this was no proper
place to make Orations in. But if you will enlarge your self, let us go
to a place not far distant from this, better known, but to few besides
my self. I liked her advice very well, and returning what I had taken
from her, I followed it, by following her through divers obscure
passages till we came to a Wood, where in a place the Sun had not seen
since the first deluge, stood an House. At our approach the Servants
were all in a hurry who should first obey Mrs. _Virago’s_ commands, for
they all knew her, being no way estranged to her disguise, but wondered
to see St. _George_, and his trusty Esquire on foot, neither durst they
show themselves inquisitive presently: with much respect we were
conducted into a very stately room, where embracing each other, we knit
an indissolvable tye of friendship.

                              CHAP. XXXIV.

    _After Supper they enter in Discourse, wherein she giveth
        him a short account of her Life, and the cause of her
        undertaking such an extravagant and dangerous course;
        relating how notably she revenged her self on her
        Husband for his unworthy and base carriage towards her._

Having refresht ourselves with what the House afforded, and Bottles and
Pipes had supplied the place of Dishes; we dialogu’d as familiarly, as
if our acquaintance had bore equal date with our nativities. And now it
was she laid her self open to me, not concealing any thing, having
before made my self acquainted with her greatest Secret. Frankly she
called for Bottles of Wine, which we smartly drank together out of
Beer-glasses: had not Supper been speedily provided, which required a
cessation for some time, I should not have been in a condition to
discern the Dish, nor him that brought it to the Table. Having taken
some repast, I began to be refresht, she not in the least disturbed all
this while.

I prest her to tell me what she was, and what manner of life she led.
Sir, said she, I cannot deny your request; wherefore to satisfie you,
know that I was the Daughter of a Sword-Cutler. In my younger days my
Mother would have taught me to handle a Needle; but my Martial spirit
gain-said all perswasions to that purpose. I could never endure to be
among the Utensils of the Kitchin, but spent most of my time in my
Fathers shop, taking wonderful delight in handling those Warlike
Instruments: to take a Sword in my hand well mounted and brandish it,
was reckoned by me among the chief of my recreations. Being about a
douzen years of age, I studied all wayes imaginable how I might make my
self acquainted with a Fencing-Master. Time brought my desires to their
complement, for such a one as I wisht for, casually came into our Shop
to have his blade furnisht; and Fortune so ordered it, there was none to
answer him but my self. Having given him that satisfaction he desired,
though not expecting it from me: Amongst other talke I demanded of him
whether he was not a Professor of the Noble Science? (for I guest so
much by his Postures, Looks, and expressions.) He told me he was a
well-willer thereunto. Being glad of this opportunity, desiring him to
conceal my intentions, I requested him the favour as to give me some
instructions how I should manage a Sword: at first he seemed amazed at
my proposal, but perceiving I was in earnest, he granted my petition,
allotting me such a time to come to him as was most convenient. I became
so expert at Back-sword and Single-Rapier in a short time, that I needed
not his assistance any longer; My Parents not in the least mistrusting
any such thing.

I shall wave what Exploits I did by the help of a disguise, and only
tell you that when I arrived to fifteen years of age, an Inne-Keeper
Married me, and carried me into the Country. For two years we lived very
peaceably and comfortably together, but at length the insolent and
imperious temper of my Husband made me begin to show my Natural humour.
Once a week we seldom mist of a Combat between us, which frequently
proved so sharp, that it was well if my Husband came off with a single
broken pate, by which means the gaping wounds of our discontents and
differences being not presently salved up, they became in a manner

I never was much inclined to love him, because he was of a mean
dastardly spirit, and ever hated that a Dunghill-Cock should tread a Hen
of the Game. Being stinted likewise of Money, my life grew altogether
comfortless, and I lookt on my condition as insupportable: Wherefore as
the only remedy or expedient to mitigate my vexatious troubles, I
contrived a way how I might sometimes take a Purse. I judged this
resolution safe enough, (if I were not taken in the very fact) for who
could suspect me to be a Robber, wearing abroad upon such designs mans
Apparel, but at home onely that which was suitable and agreeable to my
own Sex? Besides, none could have better encouragement and conveniency
then my self; for, keeping an Inn, who is more proper to have in custody
what charge my Guests brought into my house then my self? or if
committed to my Husbands tutelage, I could not fail to inform my self of
the richness of the Booty. Moreover, the Hostess is the person whose
company is most desired, before whom they are no ways scrupulous to
relate which way they are going, and frequently what the affair was that
led them that way.

Courage I knew I wanted not, (be you my impartial Judge, Sir) what then
could hinder me from being successful in such an enterprize? Being thus
resolved, I soon procured necessary Habiliments for these my
contrivances; and never miscarried in any of them till now. Instead of
going to Market, or riding five or six miles about such a business, (the
usual pretences with which I blinded my Husband) I would when out of
sight ride a contrary road to this House (wherein we now are) and here
Metamorphose my self, and being fitted at all points; Pad
uncontroulably, coming off alwayes most Victoriously. Not long since my
Husband had about one hundred pounds due to him some twenty Miles from
his habitation, and designed such a day for its reception: Glad I was to
hear of this, resolving now to be revenged of him for all those injuries
and churlish outrages he had committed against me: I knew very well
which way he went, and knew the time of his coming home; wherefore I
way-laid him at his return. And happily as I would have it, he did not
make me wait above three hours for him. I let him pass me, knowing that
by the swiftness of my Horse I could easily overtake him, and so I did,
riding with him a mile or two before I could do my intended business. At
last (looking about me) I saw the coast clear on every side: Wherefore
riding up close to him, and laying hold of his Bridle, I clapt a Pistol
to his breast, commanding him to deliver, or he was a dead man. My
imperious Don seeing death before his face, had like to have saved me
the labour by dying voluntarily without compulsion, and so amazed at his
suddain surprizal, that he lookt like an Apparition, or one lately risen
from the dead. Sirrha (said I) be quick: but a dead Palsie had so seized
every part of him, that his eyes were incapable of directing his hands
to his Pocket. But I soon recalled his lost spirits by two or three
smart blows with the flat of my Sword, which so wakened him out of that
deep Lethargy he was in, that with much submissiveness he delivered me
his moneys. After I had dismounted him and cut the Reins of his Bridle
and Girts, I basted him soundly, till that I had made jelly of his
bones, and that his flesh lookt like _Egyptian_ Mummy. Now you Rogue
(said I) I am even with you; have a care the next time how you strike a
Woman (your wife I mean) for none but such as dare not fight a man, will
lift up his hand against the weaker Vessel. Now you see what it is to
provoke them; for if irritated too much, they are restless till they
have accomplisht their satisfactory revenge: I have a good mind to end
thy wicked courses with thy life, but that I am loath to be hanged for
_nothing_, such a worthless man. Farewell; this money shall serve me to
purchase Wine to drink healths to the confusion of such Rascally and
mean-spirited things. And so I left him.

She was about to have proceeded in such agreeable relations of her
rencounters, when word was brought her up, two Gentlemen below desired
to speak with her: craving my excuse, she went down, and in a little
time returned with them: She made an Apology to me for so doing, adding
that if she had committed a crime herein, my future knowledge of those
persons would extenuate it. By their effeminate countenances I could not
miss of judging rightly what they were, _viz._, Females. After several
discourses we grew so familiar, that the longest continued friendship
could not boast of more freedom.

Having talkt and drank ourselves weary, we concluded to lye all in one
chamber, there being two beds: what our Nocturnal passages were, I’le
give the Reader leave to imagine.

                              CHAP. XXXV.

    _Here he relates (modestly) what satisfaction he received
        from his new Female-acquaintance, and what occasioned
        the two last income Amazons to attempt the hazardous
        enterprizes of the High Pad: with their Character and
        course of Life._

Though Melancholy Night had drawn her sable curtains about her
Hemisphere, yet the coverled of our Opticks was not yet laid down to
admit our active senses to their usual rest and repose: obscured
darkness had every where proclaimed silence about us on penalty of
distracted incomposedness; yet we feared not the breach of those binding
Laws, by breaking our minds to each other interchangeably. My conquered
foe (now my new friend) first began to relate to her old associates the
rise of our late rencounter, and the success, which she exprest with so
much life and ingenuity, that they knew not which to value most, her
wit, or my courage; but when she came to relate the manner of the
discovery of her sex, so petulant and facetious was her discourse, that
it occasioned a great deal of laughter and mirth among us. Having
throughly discourst varieties, for further diversion one of these late
Incommers undertook to give us a summary of her Comerades (or Sisters)
being therewith intermixt; now I must give her leave to tell her own

Sir, (for to you I apply my discourse particularly, being wholly
ignorant of what these two inseparable Companions of mine well
understand) I shall not trouble your ear with any thing but what is
absolutely necessary: laying aside therefore Superfluous Preambles, let
me tell you I was the eldest Daughter of a Vinter in _London_, a man
lookt on so wealthy, that he was called upon for Alderman, having no
more Children then a Son, my Self, and this my dear Sister, my
Metamorphosed follower. My Brother I think was begot out of degenerate
Wine, and that made him so degenerate from Virtue and a good Spirit: a
hot fiery fellow, always on the fret, till his Cask or Carcass was
pierced; and so I leave him as I found him, an empty Hogshead.

This obstacle being removed (the _Remora_ to our fair promising Fortune)
none were more extold and courted for Wealth and Beauty (rarely seen
together) then my Sister and self; men of all sizes, both of Wit, Estate
and Stature, daily frequented my Fathers House, pretending they came for
the goodness of Wine there vended, till they had got an interest in our
acquaintance, and then they unmaskt their meaning. Several overtures
were made to our Parents, who like good domestick Polititians, seemed to
like, to incourage them to continue coming for their expence sake:
frequently they bespake Dinners, vying who should exceed in prodigality,
thinking thereby to gain esteem, while the old Fox did but laugh at them
in private for their pains. My Mother had her trade at her fingers ends;
for when she would oblige any of them to any treaty, it was but calling
him Son, or Sirrah you are a wag, my _Benjamin_ must have the largest
Portion, _&c._ By this means she chained them to the house, and to
engage them the more, permitted us to bear them company; but fearing
lest we might glut our Idolators by too long staying (for we sooner
surfeit on delicates than courser fare) our Mother would call us,
pretending present business, and would then supply the place her self;
then would they charge afresh, till they had blinded one another. I must
needs say, my Mothers company was deservingly desirable: for though she
had past her ages Æquinox, yet her beauty appeared but a very little
declining. In her youthful dayes she was the wonder of her Sex, and was
so generally talkt of among Beauty-hunters, that our Tavern was never
empty, and happy was he that could procure the drinking of a glass with
her at the Bar, but transported, if they could obtain the favour to have
her company in a room: which for profit she sometimes permitted, and
something else, which my Father winked at gladly, because he could not
find the like expedient to enrich himself. She was comely, tall, and of
a beautious blushing brown; her hair proper to her complexion, neatly
put into curls and folds by Nature: Her face was made up of excellent
parts; as a quick eye and full; her circled brows graceful and big; her
nose not over Roman, with a full mouth; the largeness of the lips
commendable, because plump and red; her dimpled chin (which Nature had
drawn, with a wanton touch of her Pensil) did singularly set out her
looks most comely. Her neck was round, rising, full and fat: her Bodie
well fed, not fat; an Italian Don’s delight. When any Gentlemen came in,
me thinks I now see how she leared out of her inticing Italianated eyes,
able to confound a Saint. In short, her hair was enough to enchant you
into those mazes, but that her looks were so neer, which hooked yours
into her eyebals, full, black and rowling; and when she had you, she
held you there. Neither was she a niggard of those gifts were so
liberally bestowed on her, but communicated a taste thereof to divers;
for as she was naturally prone to whorishness, so she gave her
inclinations the reins, and at last became so impudent, that she did
frequently that in our sights, which though we understood not, being too
young, yet forceably drew a blush into our tender cheeks. Being in her
prime, she gave her self so much libertie, that she was a shame to her
Sex; there was not any vice that was attended either by pleasure or
profit, but she would be sharer therein. And now being gulled with
shadows and impostures, she drew up the Portcullis of her heart, and
laid the gates thereof wide open to her own ruine. Who would imagine,
that a pleasing countenance could harbour villany, or that a smile could
set upon the face of mischief? But therein she shewed her self a
Curtezan of the right stamp, that for her own advantage can entertain
mans appetite with wanton dalliance, but will never make assurance of
settled love. When men think themselves most interested in her, then was
it frequently that they were farthest from her. I am somewhat the longer
in my Mothers Character, that I might the fuller demonstrate what was
the original that I so exactly copied in the actions of my own life. Did
Parents consider how prevalent their wicked examples are with their
Issue, they would be less curious to cleanse their houses of dirt and
dust against the comming of their friends, and more careful not to see
them hung with vices in the presence of their Children. You see I know
the difference between good and evil, because I talk so well, though I
act so ill. But to proceed. How is it possible the Daughter should be
chaste, that cannot reckon up the adulteries of her Mother, though she
be nere so well in breath, without a dozen stops or intermissions at the
least? Such as are conscious to these faults in others, cannot but be
capable of them in themselves. The hearing of them told, begets a
willingness to try them: the seeing of them done, a wilfulness to do
them. She presumed I believe upon our indiscretions as Children,
perswading her self we had not wit enough to discern it. But alas! she
erred in her Cyphers, and was much mistaken in her accounts: for we
coming to years, did not stick to that in her sight, which she before
would not forbear in ours. And with what face could she reprove us?

             _The crooked wretch must not upbraid the lame,
             Nor must the Moor the tawny Indian blame._

Her house did daily swarm with such as pretended more then common
kindness to me. Several my Parents approved of as wealthy, and
propounded them to me, whom I only disliked for want of comeliness. One
I confess I could have fancied highly for his wit, had not his formation
been so extravagant and preposterous. O the innumerable quantity of
Poetick brats which _Pallas_-like sprang out of his head, and so pestred
my Chamber, that I could hardly sleep for the trampling of their feet:
some whereof appear’d so fair unto me from a Father so foul, that I have
carried them in my bosome to converse with them among the solitary
shades. I protest civility could scarce keep me from laughing outright
every time I saw him, his whole composure appear’d to me so ridiculous.
For first, his head seem’d to sink down into his brest, his eyes flaring
affrighted at the danger, whilst his mouth continually gaped, as if it
intended to cry out for help: his back and brest bunched out, as if a
wallet stuffed at both ends had hung over his shoulder behind and
before. Though extravagant enough, you could not say he shewed much
waste. Had you seen him on a rainy day, by the length of his leggs (yet
of dwarfish stature) you would have thought him mounted on stilts, and
wading through the dirt with a boy at his back. Now let me skip over his
person, and only tell you how I served him, and then I have done with
him. That day I saw him not, I had his representation sent me, which was
good diversion, but his presence was insufferable: to the intent
therefore that I might be rid of him, I sent him these lines.

           _You are the Son of _Esop_, for I find
           Legitimation by your shape and mind;
           Deform’d ye are alike, thence’t is thought fit
           That such defects should be supply’d by wit.
           Your aspect’s monstrous foul, yet don’t complain,
           Your issues fair, the product of your brain.
           But stay, I must recal my self for know
           My praises are like to your self, too low:
           Troth when I view you well, my fancy must
           Imagine you much like a Capon trust,
           Or like Sir _Hudibras_, nick-nam’d _All-feather_,
           Or like one ty’d both neck and heels together:
           Nor do not think Pygmean Sir that I
           Will fall in love with meer deformity;
           Then court some Succubus, a fiend will be
           A fitter match: so think no more on me._

These lines so nettled him, that having belcht out some execrations
against me and our sex, I never heard more of him. To be short, there
was none could get any interest in me, but our Head-drawer, a neat
flaxen-hair’d dapper fellow; so passionately we loved one the other,
that we could not forbear holding some private correspondence at nights.
My Father at length suspecting us, turned away his man, whose absence I
could not brook, and therefore resolved to follow after, which I did,
taking with me what ready money my Father had in his custody; and
finding out my dear Comerade, this was the result of our consultation,
that I should cloath my self like a man, and so travel together. It will
be too tedious to relate how and whither we went; but let it suffice to
tell you, that after we had run through _France_ and _Italy_, and
wearied our selves in forreign parts, we concluded to return for
_England_. We landed at _Dover_, having made an end of our voyage and
money together, saving so much as would purchase Horse & Armes; for
Padding was the way we agreed on to recruit our decayed stock. Many were
the Robberies we committed, taking such a course that the Devil could
hardly detect us: for sometimes when we had robbed, and fearing lest we
should be taken by the Hue and Cry, it was but turning my horse loose,
and then would I put on womans apparel (which I always carried in my
Portmantle in such expeditions) and getting up behind my dear friend, I
past unsuspected as his wife. This stratagem frequently proved a
safeguard to us both. By this means we several times robbed houses,
under the pretence of my friends taking lodgings for himself and Wife.
To tell you in what manner and how often we played our pranks under a
double disguise, would take up more time then is convenient. Wherefore I
shall now wind up my story; My Comerade in an unhappy enterprize
received a shot in his shoulder, which proved Mortal, for not long after
he died. Being then destitute of my dear companion, I had several
thoughts of returning home; but that I liked my trade so well, I could
not be induced to leave it. However, I went to my Fathers house
frequently with roaring Blades; but they knew me not, though sometimes
they would stare upon me, as if their eyes would have started out of
their heads for joy to see their old acquaintance. At last I took a
convenient opportunity under the veil of courtship to discover my self
to my Sister (here present) who understanding my course of life, and
knowing well her own constitution, for my sake resolved to hazard all,
and run one risque with me. Having instructed her how she should rob her
Father, as I had done before her, we met at a place appointed, and so
took our journey hitherward. Now if our conversation may be any wayes
pleasing, and our service advantagious, we are both your devoted
servants. She uttered these words with such a grace, that I could not
forbear imbracing her. After we had plighted faiths, and mutually
caressed each other, we betook our selves to rest, which you may imagine
was little enough.

                              CHAP. XXXVI.

    _How he with his new female padding Comrade contrived
        notable subtil and safe ways to rob together; with a
        relation of some remarkable stories which were the
        effects of those consultations._

Angry I was when I perceived the appearance of day, which I knew would
unavoidably rob me of my present delight and pleasure. But it was only
my fear of being deprived of so much bliss made me so grossely to
mistake, for I quickly found my happiness inlarged by the approaching
light, my sence of _seeing_ being now made Copartner with that of
_feeling_. Love had now his eyes restored him, who before only groped
for the naked truth in the dark. Now did we begin afresh to renew our
late sweet nocturnal pastime; and could our bodies have any wayes
answered our boundless desires, our bed would have been the sole concern
we should have minded, till that time which must put a period to this
transitory life.

But to avoid the censure of sluggishness, we all resolved to rise, and
unanimously strive & contend who should make the best proof of the
greatest ingenuity in contriving what may give the largest satisfaction
both to mind and body. As a _præludium_ to our intended purpose, and a
restorative to our decayed strengths, we first resolved upon buttered
Sack, with other things of like comforting natures: & now finding our
selves by this first essay so much beyond expectation revived and fitted
for mirth and pleasure, we straight gave order for a Dinner to be
speedily prepared, whose composition should be of the choicest viands.
And that the time might not seem tedious in the interim, it was put to
the vote what pastime we should make choice of for divertisement. Some
were for bodily exercise, but I was clearly against that, having so
lately tired my self with it: besides my lameness, which was occasioned
by the shot I received in my legg from my Valiant Rencountress. It was
at length agreed on by all, that we should entertain our selves with
Musick and Discourse. A match (said the eldest Sister) and to the intent
you may see my freedom and forwardness to propagate your proposition, I
shall give my assistance first to heighten your spirits by vocal and
instrumental Musick: having thus broken the Ice, I question not but you
will prove ready followers, and swim with me in the same streams of
delight. Whereupon she took up a Lute, and having praised that
instrument above all other for its sweet ravishing harmony, I will now
try (said she) how my voice will agree with it, and thus sang:

                  _What need we to care?
                  W’ have enough and to spare,
              What we gain we will drink and spend on’t;
                  But when all is gone,
                  We will get more anon;
              Then make it all fly, there’s an end on’t._

                  _We will rob, we will steal
                  For our own Common-weal.
              Let the Miser be damn’d with his treasure:
                  Our designs we will shape
                  For the juyce of the grape,
              Thus spin out our lives in our pleasure._

                  _We think it more fit
                  To live by our wit,
              And hazard our lives on adventure;
                  We are Sons of the blade
                  Never bred to a trade,
              We scorn’d to be bound by Indenture._

Not for flattery, but due merit, we could give her no less then
applause: Which though that word may savour of something of a
complement, yet I will assure you there was no such thing past between
us; we knew how to improve our time to a far greater advantage, leaving
such empty vain expressions to such, who have little else to do then to
play with a Ladies Fan, or to consume their times in combing their
Perriwigs, not only in the Streets and Play-houses, but even
(irreverently) in the holy places of Divine Worship.

The pertinency of this Song to the practice of our lives, did as much
please us all, as the sweet harmony of that voice did ravish our
delighted ears. And lest our satisfaction should any wayes cool or
abate, more Musical fewel was laid on, to warm our benumbed spirits, if
any such unlikely thing should happen.

Whereupon her Sister (not making use of any instrument to assist her
voice, being sensible it was good and natural) frankly, and with a
becoming freedom, sang to this purpose.

                _’Tis liberty which we adore,
                It is our wealth and only store;
                Having her we all are free,
                Who so merry then as we?
                ’Tis she that makes us now to sing,
                And only She can pleasure bring._


                _Since we then such freedome have,
                Wee’ll purchase pleasure, or a grave;
                ’Tis better so, then live a slave._

                _As I am free, so will be still,
                For no man shall abridge my will:
                I’ll pass my life in choicest pleasure,
                On various objects spend my treasure:
                That Woman sure no joy can find,
                Who to one man is only joyn’d._


                _Since we then such freedom have,
                Wee’l purchase pleasure or a grave:
                ’Tis better so, then live a slave._

                _What pleasure is in full cram’d bags?
                No more then is in Beggars rags:
                Vnless made use of, what is Cash?
                A fine new Nothing, glittering trash:
                Being well employ’d, it is a thing
                Which doth delight and honour bring._


                _Since we then such freedom have,
                Wee’l purchase money, or a grave:
                ’Tis better so, then live a slave_.

About to have proceeded in this manner round, we were interrupted by
Dinner coming up, which came as seasonable as our stomacks could
require. Waving all Ceremonies, we instantly fell to it without the
tediousness of long-winded Graces; neither were we long at it, our hands
and appetites being alike nimble and quick to give the body its required

After Dinner we had various discourses about the vanity and imbecility
of the female sex: winding up our Argument, one said, She would not be a
meer Woman for the whole universe, and wondered that man, so noble and
rational a Soul, should so unman himself in his voluntary inslaving
himself to a Womans will: I wonder how they dare boast of Conquests,
when they must acknowledge they are daily overcome by a weak and feeble
Creature, Woman, a thing which for want of heat sunk into that Sex.

With suchlike prattle we entertained our selves for an hour or two: and
now it was put to the vote what course we should steer, and what design
we should next put in execution. Different were our opinions for a
while, but at last we concluded unanimously about the evening to set out
and rob joyntly: the manner which we laid down was thus: The youngest
sister should ride behind the eldest Sister on a Pillion in her own
proper apparel, and my _Virago_ behind me in the like female garb; and
this we judged to be the safest project we could propound: for who could
be so senseless to imagine us Robbers, riding in that manner
double-horsed, and attended with the greatest symptomes of innocency?

Hereupon we presently fell to work, that is to say, endeavoured to get
such necessaries as were most convenient for our enterprise, as
Pillions, Safeguards and short Swords for my females: Pocket-Pistols
they had already. Having gotten what womans attire we wanted, and all
things ready, we mounted with Boots, which we dirted on purpose, to the
intent those which saw us might not suspect but that we had rid many
miles that day. It was about six of the Clock in the evening when we did
set forth; we had not rid above two hours, but there overtook us four
Horsemen, and demanded whither we were travelling? I answered them, To
such a place. Now did our two subtil Queans which rid behind us play
their parts to the life, pretending a great fear of being robbed, and
carried their business so craftily, that they gave the Gentlemen to
understand their pretended fear and jealousie: and the better to cloak
our design, pray thee my Dear (said I) in a voice not over-loud, but
just so that they might hear me, do not be afraid, I am confident they
are no other then what they appear, that is, honest civil persons.

Hereupon, one of the Gentlemen over-hearing, rode up close to me, and
comforted my supposed Wife behind, protesting they were no such persons
as she imagined; that they were Gentlemen of good Estates all, and so
far they were from offending any, that they would with the hazard of
their lives defend the injured on the road: we seemed hereat to be much
satisfied, returning them many thanks, and desiring their company, which
they kindly granted, saying, Come follow, wee’l lead the way gently on;
and stand between you and danger. I was glad to hear them say they would
ride before, for now I judged our business to be facile, and easily
done. I now whispered behind me, telling her, as soon as ever she saw me
give a blow, she should immediately leap off the horse, and make use of
what weapons she had: Her sister had the like instructions given her.

My Brother, as I called him, riding up close with me, received
directions from me, that when we came to the bottom of the Hill, he
should at the same time with me directly discharge his Truncheon on the
head of his foregoer, with all the force he could sum up together.

When they least suspected us in the rear, we executed what we designed
with such exact time, and so successfully, that a divided minute did not
difference their fall. Our Women were as swift as lightning upon them,
depriving them of all the advantages of rising, whilest we set spurs to
our Horses, and overtook the other two afore, who insensible of what was
done, were strangely surprized and amazed, to see our Swords and Pistols
ready to dispatch our Hellish commands. Fear on a suddain had so chained
up their tongues, as that they could not utter a word, till we forced
them to it by threatning their unavoidable deaths if they did not
instanly deliver. Being willing to ransome their lives by their moneys,
they gave us what they had, as not to stand in competition with a matter
of eternal concern. Having reaped our desires, we dismounted them, and
cutting their Girts and Bridles, we took their pieces with the Saddles,
and threw them into an obscure place. The Horses were whipt over into a
field. Our Prisoners we led into a little wood, where we bound them, as
the rest of our gang did, who were more expeditious then we in our work.
Having finisht our business to our hearts content and security, we
mounted, and so rid back again to our old quarters. Our Landlord
wondered at our speedy dispatch, but had like to have exspired for joy,
when he saw our booty was so considerable; for you are to understand he
had a quarter-share with us. Here did we carouse and feast for a long
time, not so much as thinking on any prize: and the truth on’t is, my
leg grew so bad by my shot, that I could not ride but in great pain.
Wherefore I resolved to lie still till its cure should be effected by my
loving and skilful Landlady. My wound being healed, I resolved to follow
my custom, and rob alone, not so much that my profit would be greater,
but I began to be tyred with my three former dainties; nay more, they
were so insatiate in those pleasures they injoyed, that my strength
could not cope with such excesses. Wherefore pretending business of
privacy a little way off, I gave them the slip, knowing how difficult it
would be to part from them knowingly.

                             CHAP. XXXVII.

    _Being now upon the _Pad_ alone, he baits at an Inn with
        which he was acquainted, and there by the Hostler is
        informed of a Booty, which he pursued, but was soundly
        banged for his pains, losing both his Horse, and what
        small matter he had left._

Very loath I was to part with these _Amazons_, neither should I, had not
scarcity of Money called me away to look out for more. For no man could
ever be better pleased with society, then I was in theirs, enjoying such
persons whose courage and fidelity might vie with the most approved
male-friend, and reaping at the same time the choicest favours _Venus_
can confer on her chiefest Favourites.

One remarkable passage concerning this _Female Robber_, I had like to
have forgot; which was this: She would frequently _Pad_ or rob on foot
in Womans apparel, but so disguised, that she could not easily be known:
Getting a Cushion, or some such thing, (by putting it under her Cloaths
to make her seem big with Child) she would usually walk abroad, it may
be three or four miles at length, near some beaten Road. Thus had she
the benefit of viewing all that rid by. If she saw any single person by
whose equipage she might imagine him to have his Pockets well furnished,
before he came near her, she used to feign her self both exceeding sick
and weary, groaning in a most pitiful manner. What mans heart could be
so obdurate as to pass her by neglected, and without taking any notice
of her? Who would not proffer a big-bellied Woman (tired and indisposed)
the courtesie of riding behind him for a little way to refresh her? As
she told me, she met with very few that did not take her up behind them,
seeing her in that deplorable condition. Having rid a pretty way, seeing
the Coast clear, and coming to a convenient place for to execute her
design, she would pretend the Gentlemans hat that rid before her
offended her eyes; most in point of civility would put it off, though
they immediately put it on again: then would she with a Cord with a
nooze, which she had ready for the purpose, clap it over his head, and
so whipping off the Horse pull the Man after her; oftentimes half
strangling him, serving him as the _Mutes_ do the _Bassa’s_ with their
black box and Silk string therein, when they are designed for death by
the _Grand Seniors_ appointment and command. Taking the advantage of
their being half suffocated, she could easily first bind their leggs,
making them so secure, that they were so far from resisting, that they
were totally at her devotion.

But to return where I left off: before I took my leave of her,
perceiving the temper of this brave noble Spirit, and that it was
Poetically inclined, out of my true resentment of her due merit, I gave
her these lines, which she thankfully received, though modestly denied
to concern her in the least.

        _Stand back ye _Muses_, _Mars_, come guide my Pen,
        To rank this Female Heroe ’mongst thy Men.
        So, so, ’tis well. Now let us to the matter,
        ’Tis such a subject that I cannot flatter.
        The Pantalooners strut, and Muffetoons;
        Taking great pains for to appear Buffoons.
        They do seem men, and like ’em wear their Swords:
        But dare not draw; such may be kill’d with words:
        These love a Lady, and affect perfumes:
        Who _lighter_ are, (then what they wear) their _Plumes_.
        Thou scornst such shadows, or _Chimæra’s_, which
        Are good for nothing, but a Womans itch.
        Thou lovest that man alone, that dares in spight
        Of fate, scorn _Death_ himself in fight.
        Thy actions speak thee _man_, who dares deny it?
        Believe this truth, or if you dare, then try it;
        ’Twill be a favour to her, for they’l find.
        That never man injoy’d so brave a mind._

Bidding this my _Minerva_ and her associates adieu, I rid on in the next
road, without meeting any I thought requisite to fasten on. At length I
came to an Inn, where I was very well acquainted, and intended there to
have refresht my self; but the Hostler prevented it, not suffering me to
alight, telling me hastily, that there was a Gentleman not an hour since
baited there, who had in his Portmantue a considerable purchase; that he
was a poor spirited fellow, whom he knew, and that he ever had an
absolute antipathy to a naked Sword, and that he was gone such a road,
_&c._ I stay’d not so long as to drink, but with all possible expedition
made after him; ascending a small Hill, I discovered him, who rid an
ordinary pace, wherefore I slacked mine to cool my Horse; however I soon
overtook him, and rode by him, not without viewing him well; riding down
the Hill I did alight, purposely that he might overtake me, which he
did; being past I mounted, and at the very bottom I bid him stand and
deliver instantly, or he was a dead man. Sis, sis, sir, (said he lisping
very much) I-I-I-I am going home. I bid him not make these proposed
delays, lest he smarted, and therefore wisht him to dispatch and give me
his money, for I was informed (I told him) that he had a sum behind him.
T-t-t ’tis true (he reply’d) b-b-but it is my Fathers m-m-money. Hang
your Father and his fluttering Coxcomb too, (said I) I must have what
you have. W-wh-why then you shall, (said he) and with that drew out a
pocket-pistol and fired it at me; which made my horse start, and very
much surprizing me, expecting not the least resistance from such a
seemingly ignorant and cowardly fellow; by that means he had time and
liberty to draw his sword (which was almost as broad as a
Chopping-knife) and came upon me so furiously, that I am sure I had not
time to defend my self: he so laid about him, that I soon lay at his
mercy. I was forced to beg very hard for my life, which I obtained with
very much ado: then he fell to my pockets, not leaving any suspected
place for money unsearcht: by which I guest him to have belonged to our
profession, and was not mistaken, as you shall understand by and by. He
went to my horse, and viewing him, he seemed to like him very well.
Wherefore coming to me (for he had cut me off my horse) ha-ha-hark you
(said he) you are but a raw Thief, a me-me-meer Child, & it is but fit
that you should be sent to a ma-ma-Master to be ta-ta-taught knowledge,
and be whipt for your foo-foo-lishness. You said you must have my
Fa-Fa-Fathers money, but I tell you I must have your hau-hau-Horse, and
so farewell. He was so kind as to leave me his, which was a pitiful
Jade, however necessity compelled me to mount him, and anger spurr’d me
on to be revenged of the Hostler, but I better considered with my self,
that probably that horse was known there, and so I should be detected;
wherefore I rid a contrary way, and took up my lodging in a place I
never had been in before. As soon as I alighted, abundance of people
flockt about me, seeing me all bloody, to know the cause thereof.
Whereupon I related in a very doleful manner how this sad accident
befell me. That travelling to such a place with about 150 pieces of
Gold, I was set upon by five or six lusty Rogues, who rob’d me, and
because I made what resistance I could, to save what I had, it being my
whole Estate, they had thus barbarously mangled me, hacking and hewing
me till I grew weary, and at last with much difficulty escapt with my
life. There was a general sorrow for me, pitying me so much that the
Inhabitants strove one with another, who should shew me most kindness. A
Chyrurgeon was presently sent for, who (as he was a Barber too)
_Barbarian_ like, drest my wounds; some were employed in procuring me
Cordials, and getting me things necessary; others were sent out to make
inquisition after the Thieves.

This Gentleman that serv’d me this trick, was (as I understood
afterwards) an High-way-man himself, who being well born and bred, but
his Father being either at that time unable or unwilling to supply him
with what monies his lavish expences required: Nature having bestowed on
him a stout resolute heart, and strength answering his courage, betook
himself to the _Pad_. In which profession he behaved himself so
gallantly, that he was styled the Father or Governour of his Tribe. But
his attempts prov’d not always successful, so that there was hardly a
County in _England_, wherein he had not been in Prison; being frequently
arraigned for his life, but having eminent and potent friends, he still
came off; this did his Father and Kindred so frequent, that they grew
weary, and he narrowly escaping with his life one time, and finding that
his kindred matter’d not much if he were hanged, he submitted himself to
his Father, making a solemn protestation that he would never follow the
like courses again: whereupon his Father setled an Annual Estate upon
him, on which he now liveth very orderly. Thus much briefly of my

I had not laid above a night in this place for the cure of my wounds,
before I was question’d about my Horse by some persons that knew him
well, and taken on suspition for murdering the Gentleman the right
owner; which seem’d more than probable by various circumstances. First,
this Gentleman was not to be found, which well might be his late
success, having conveyed him on the wings of speed to an obscure place,
there to revel and congratulate his good Fortune by the speedy spending
his late purchase. Next, my many and dangerous wounds sufficiently
declared the great hazard of the two Combitants lives; but that which
chiefly committed me, was the Gentlemans horse, which I like an impudent
insipid Coxcomb must ride on, which reason must needs say was the ready
way to ride Post to the Gallows. Notwithstanding the miserable condition
of my Carbonadoed body, I was inclosed between a pair of walls, and had
undoubtedly been hang’d for being robb’d, had not the Gentleman appear’d
again amongst his friends; then did my accusers slip their necks out of
the collar, and none prosecuting me, I was discharged. Staying a little
while in the Town for refreshment, an old acquaintance there found me,
of whom I cannot but give you a character, since the passages of his
life hath been so remarkable and notorious, and from the short relation
of which I question not but the Reader will reap much benefit and
satisfaction. For indeed examples have so great an influence and power
upon the actions of mans life, as that we find men are more wrought upon
by president than precept. To this intent preceeding Generations have
made it their grand care and labour, not only to communicate to their
Posterity the lives of good and honest men, that thereby man might fall
in love with the smooth and beautiful face of virtue, but have also
taken the same pains to recount the actions of criminal and wicked
persons, that by the dreadful aspects of _Vice_, they may be deterred
from imbracing her.

                             CHAP. XXXVIII.

    _He here reneweth his acquaintance with a cunning fellow,
        that formerly studyed the Law, and since made it his
        sole business to practise the abuse thereof._

About four dayes after I was discharged, there came into the same Inn
where I lay a Gentleman, who hearing some of the house discoursing of
the Robbery that was lately committed, he desired to be particularly
informed, which they did, adding that the robb’d Gentleman lay wounded
in the house; he inquired of them my name, which they told him, as I had
told them, having a name for every month in the year. Very desirous he
was, if it might be no disturbance to me, to give me a visit, unto which
I condescended, a servant to that intent desiring to know my pleasure.
As soon as he entred the Room, I verily thought I knew him, though I
could not for the present call to mind where I had seen him. I was so
muffled about the Chops, that it was impossible for him to have any
knowledge of me. He sate down by me, & askt me various questions, to
which I gave him _convenient_ satisfaction. At last I recalled my
memory, and askt him if his name was not so —— he answered me
affirmatively. Dear friend (said I) I am glad to see you: come, be not
amazed; my right name is so —— with that he embraced me, and was
overjoyed that he so casually found me out. Laying aside all formal
niceties, I unbosomed my self to him, not mincing the truth in the
least; for we know our selves _Birds of a Feather, Rogues together_. He
condol’d my wounded condition, and comforted me, by telling me that he
would not leave me till I was well, and that he would procure me such a
_Plaister_ for the wounds I had received, that should prove very
effectual. In short it was this; by following closely the footsteps of
his crafty advice I got of the Country the one hundred and fifty pounds
I pretended to be robb’d of. He stayed with me above a fortnight,
enjoying what pleasures the Country was capable to afford us. Being by
our selves (for so we designed the major part of every day;) we
discoursed interchangeably of nothing but our adventures, _&c._ how we
might lay new plots for our advantage: I gave him the epitome of what I
had done, since I left him, who took more pleasure in the relation of my
Rogueries, than the _Quaker_ did in Courting his Mistress _Mare_ near
_Rochester_. But when he began to relate his Villanies, I was struck
dumb with admiration; and what cannot a man do if indued with the
strength of his natural parts, sharpness of wit, quickness of
apprehension, depth and solidness of judgement, with a tenacious memory?
Now because he ever had a smooth and insinuating tongue, with the
command thereof, I shall give him leave to tell his own tale.

                              CHAP. XXXIX.

    _The Life of a Law-abusing Cheat._

    _Dear Friend_,

For what am I beholding, it is to Nature alone; for as I am ashamed of
my birth, so I cannot condemn my Father for not bestowing Education on
me, since his condition was so low, yet his spirit so high, that he
would not beg himself though ready to starve, however would permit me,
which was the sole support of his and my life. I was ten years old
before I could meet with any preferment; one day Fortune favouring, she
offer’d to my view a Commodity, which with confidence and dexterity I
might carry off undiscovered. My hands presently successfully effected
what my mind suggested; it was but of small value, the utmost I could
get for it was a Link, with which that night I more than trebled what it
cost. This course I followed by night, and ran in errands by day, so
that I had furnished myself both with Cloaths and Money. In process of
time I was admitted as a Servant into a Scriveners House; my Master
taking a liking to me, put me to a Writing-school, where being
capacitated for his business, he puts me into the Shop, and instructs me
in his imployment. I had not been there long before I made my self very
eminent, by studying the Law, the Rudiments whereof I understood so
well, as I knew how to ingross an Indenture. This made my Master esteem
of me, and that estimation made me proud; and being not yet bound his
Apprentice, I thought I knew better things than to be his servant any
longer, and so left him. Then was I with an Attorney a while, afterwards
with a Counsellor, till thinking I had Law enough, I took an House,
resolving to see what I could do with it my self. I sollicited several
mens businesses, giving a general content, insomuch that my credit and
reputation increased dayly. Now did I marry for Wealth, having not the
least affection; for her face lookt much like a gammon of Bacon with the
skin off. Sometimes I liv’d with her, too long for any delight I took in
her; and being resolv’d to be rid of her, this stratagem I used. I
shewed her more kindness than formerly, pretending I would do nothing
but what I would consult with her about; which so wrought upon her love,
that she would have been content to have sacrificed her Soul to my
interest; and made her withal so opinionative, that she judged every
silly and unsavory expression she utter’d was no less than an _Oracle_.
Having brought my business thus far to perfection, I came home one
evening very melancholy: very inquisitive she was to know the cause. My
Dear, (said I) I will not conceal any thing from thee; such a Gentleman
hath injured me, and I cannot rest till I be revenged. Thou knowest my
Nature, if wrong’d I am implacable, it is a fault I cannot help. Come,
come, said my wife, let us go to bed, and there we will consult. Being
there she askt me how we should bring our revenge about? I seemed to
study awhile,—I have it now (said I) thou art with Child: he is one
tender of his reputation; tax him for being the Father of it, and that
will do the work to my full content: very loth she was, because of the
talk of the people; but I satisfied this poor silly harmless soul, by
telling her that as long as I knew her chaste, it was no matter what
others said of her: whereupon she condescended, and had the Person
before a Justice, where she swore positively that she was got with
Childe by that Gentleman. I presently took advantage of her Confession,
turned her off, leaving them both to the disposal of the Spiritual
Court. This was my first prank.

One of my Clients another time, having bought a good handsome Tenement,
had so much confidence as to put me in Possession; my Client having
purchased an Estate in the Country, was forced to be there to look after
the management of his Rural affairs, for some certain time; I took this
opportunity to forge a Lease to my self, at an easie Rent, from him that
constituted me his Trustee. I soon found a Chapman for it, and sold this
Lease, receiving a good round Fine, which had been a penny-worth indeed,
had the Title been good; unto this man I delivered possession, who dwelt
in it till the return of the right owner, who coming to his said house,
wonder’d to find every thing so contrary to his expectation, and
demanding of the Tenant by what power he inhabited in that dwelling, the
poor man shewed him his forged Lease, declaring that he had paid his
fine to such a man, nominating me, who at that time was not to be found.
The Landlord could do no less than eject him his house, but finding him
so grosly abused, required nothing for the time he was in it, but left
him to the Law to require satisfaction of me. The abused being very much
troubled he should be thus deceived, made so strickt inquiry after me,
and so unwearied in his search, that at last he found me out, who said,
nothing should serve his turn, but he would for this cheat have the
rigor of the Law executed upon me; knowing of what a dangerous
consequence it was, I got my adversary arrested in an action of a
thousand pounds, who wanting Bayl was committed to _Newgate_, where
grief released me by his death from ensuing prejudice. I afterwards
forged a deed of Sale of an House hard by the former, which would have
made more for my advantage, had not this man discovered my design, which
made me the more inveterate against him and his. For this was alwayes my
temper, though nothing could provoke me to express my anger in company
(as having a perfect command over my passions in that nature) yet if any
durst prosecute his own or friends right in opposition to me, I seldome
left him, till I had either absolutely undone him, or so impoverisht
him, that he should be in no condition to hurt me, or help himself,
making him at last confess that he had been better to have sate down
with his first loss. And this I effected the easier, having a conscience
that scrupled nothing, and instruments that would swear anything. These
contrivances of mine made me generally reputed a _subtil_ and _knowing
man_, which brought me in multiplicity of business, with considerable
in-comes. Neither did I alone sollicite for such as were concern’d in
the Law, but I had my concernment with _Lifters_, who did put so great a
confidence in me, that what they got was left solely to my disposal,
either by sale or pawn, for which I had my brokage, and something else
beside. Now was I grown so famous (my Garb adding much to my fame, which
was very splendid) that if any intricate controversie, reference, or
Law-suit arose among my Neighbours, they knew no person fitter to make
their appeal to, than my self for arbitration. If any again wanted
either money, goods, nay a _cooler_ of concupiscence, I was adjudged the
best _Procurer_. By these means I tumbled in money; and to let the world
know it, I wore a several Suit every day, having besides Habits suitable
to any design. Now did those that knew me not, even adore me; those that
were acquainted with me, out of fear were forced to show me more than
ordinary respects. I confesse had I now walkt in a _medium_, this had
been the time (as they say there is a time allotted to every man) to
have made my self for ever. But Knaverie was so implanted in my Nature,
that I could not forbear cheating the dearest friend I had, if he
intrusted me, circumvent every man that had more honesty than my self;
and though I was sure to damn Soul and Body, yet I must attempt the
destruction of my adversary, and to speak the truth, I did not stick to
betray my friend, if any advantage would accrue to me thereby. For one
trick I serv’d an ancient Widow, I now and then find some internal
gripings, I cannot tell whether they proceed from conscience, because I
never knew what conscience was; and this it is. A Gentlewoman of my
acquaintance, whose sole dependance was upon Lodgers, and having taken
up a great many Goods to a considerable value to furnish her House,
befitting the reception of any person of quality, for which she was
indebted, and having too often put off her Creditor, came to me,
desiring the favour of me to procure her fifty pound, telling me, that
such a Knight, and such a Squire would stand bound with her; that will
not do (said I) for the Gentry have so many tricks to keep Citizens out
of their money. That they will have better security. Perceiving her
present necessities were very urgent, I knew I could do any thing with
her; wherefore I perswaded her to confess a Judgement: she agreed to it.
I told her such a day it should be done, but I would speak with the
Party first: according to the day prefixt I came, bringing with me a
Warrant of Attorny, with a friend or two to attest it; she confided so
much in me, as to seal before she receiv’d the moneys. That being done;
now come along with me (said I) to such a place, where the Money lyeth
ready. As we were going, there was a stop in a Lane by Carts & Coaches,
and by the help thereof I dodg’d her, she seeing me no more till it was
too late; for I came with an Execution a while after, and carried away
every pennyworth of Goods she had; yet so civil I was, that I would not
let her see it done, knowing it could not but be a great trouble to her,
to that intent about half an hour before I sent for her in my name, far
enough distant from her own Habitation. In this nature with some
variations as to the manner, I served several. Knowing I had a plentiful
invention, which seldom failed me, I scorned to be so idle as to make
use of one trick only, to bring about my ends; & as I had several, I
never made use of one trick twice, for fear of being _smoakt_. I seldom
went abroad, but I had some of my Complices at my heels, rarely going
together, unless necessity required it. I went into a _Coffee-house_ one
day, and sat me down at a common Table, (as the Room is to all Comers) a
little after came in one of my _Imps_, and sits himself down too. I had
then a very curious Ring upon my finger, which a Gentleman opposite to
me perceiving, pray Sir (said he) do me the favour as lend me a sight of
that Ring on your finger; I presently delivered him; having viewed it
and commended it, my Rogue must needs desire a sight of it too from this
Gentleman, who thinking no harm, gave it into his hands; after he had
lookt on it a while, he fairly marched off with it: I saw him, but would
not in the least take notice thereof, knowing where to find him. The
Gentleman imagined nothing to the contrary, but that the right Owner had
received it again. A little while after, I demanded very courteously my
Ring, excusing his detention thereof upon the account of forgetfulness.
The Gentleman starting, replied, Sir, I thought you had had it long
since. I told him I had it not; and as I delivered it unto him, I should
require it from no other person. He pisht at it, and in the conclusion
bad me take my course; and so I did, having first taken witness of the
standers by, I sued him, and recovered the value of my Ring twice over;
producing two in Court that swore point blank, that the one of them sold
it me for so much—. One thing I confess I frequently made use of, which
was this; If any person dy’d, and none durst administer, but leave the
Deceased’s Goods to the Creditors, then would I be sure to make my self
a principal Creditor by a forged Bond, and thereupon sue out letters of
administration, and sweeping all away, I wiped the nose of other

                               CHAP. XL.

    _What a notable revengeful trick he serv’d the Turn-key of

I went on a time to see a Prisoner in _Ludgate_, but thinking to come
out again as easily as I went in, I found my self just as the Picture I
have often seen upon the _Exchange_, wherein is represented a man
plunging himself with much ease into the great end of the Horn, but with
the greatest difficulty can hardly squeeze his Head through the other
end. Hell Gates stand ever open to let all souls in, but none are
suffer’d to go out. Here I waited two hours for the return of the
Turn-key, fretting my self even to death for being detained from my
urgent occasions. At length he came: I told him what an injury he did
me: instead of excusing himself, he returned me very scurvy language,
which provoked my passion so much, that though I said little, yet my
invention was presently at work to be reveng’d. Not long after I got a
poor fellow to be arrested for an inconsiderable debt, advising him to
turn himself instantly over to _Ludgate_. In a short time the poorness
of this mans condition was generally known, and he himself pretending he
was almost starved, got liberty to put in what slender security he could
procure for his true imprisonment, and so had leave to go abroad. In the
mean time I had got a Bond of the Prisoner of fourscore pound for the
payment of forty, and so went privately and enter’d an action of Debt. I
told the Prisoner the next time he went out he should run away, which he
did, neither was there any security to be found; then did I bring my
action against the Keeper, with my _Knights_ of the _Post_, and so
recovered the money.

                               CHAP. XLI.

    _What a freak he play’d upon a Jeweller._

I was intimately acquainted with a Jeweller in _Foster-Lane_, whom I
often helped to the sale of Rings and Jewels, so that my credit was very
good with him. Being one time above in his work-room, I chanced to spy a
very rich Jewel, whereupon I told him I could help him to the sale
thereof; my Lady such a one having lately spoke to me about such a
thing. He gladly delivered it to me at such a price to shew it her. But
I only carried it to another to have one exactly made like it with
counterfeit stones. Before I went, I askt him if the Lady dislike it,
whether I might leave it with his Wife or Servant? I, I, (said he) to
either will be sufficient. I was forced to watch one whole day to see
when he went out; and being gone, presently went to the Shop, and
enquired of his Wife for her Husband; she answered me, he was but just
gone. Well, Madam (said I) you can do my business as well as he, ’tis
only to deliver these stones into your custody; and so went off
undiscovered. Not long after I met him in the street, carrying
displeasure in his looks; Sir (said he) I thought a friend would not
have serv’d me so; but I deny’d it stifly. Whereupon he was very angry,
and told me he would sue me: I valu’d not his threats, and so left him;
I had not gone many paces before I met with a friend, that complain’d to
me he had lost a very valuable Locket of his Wives, it being stolen from
her. Glad I was that this should fall out so pat to my purpose; I askt
him to give me a description of it, which he did punctually. Now, said
I, what will you give me, if I tell you where it is? Any thing in
reason. Then go to such a Shop in _Foster-Lane_ (_the same Shop where I
cheated the man of his Ring_) and there ask peremptorily for it; I was
there at such a time and saw it; and he would have had me help him to a
Customer for it? I’ll stay at the Star-Tavern for you. Away he went and
demanded his Locket: The Jeweller deny’d he had any such thing, (as well
he might.) Upon this he returned to me, and (by this I had another with
me) and told me what he said. Whereupon I advised him to have a Warrant
for him to fetch him before a Justice of Peace, and that I and my friend
(which saw as much as I) would swear it. The Goldsmith was instantly
seiz’d on by a Constable, and assoon as he saw who they were that would
swear against him, desired the Gentleman to drink a glass of wine, and
then tender’d him satisfaction: But I had order’d the business that it
would not be taken unless he would give us all three general releases.
He knowing the danger that might ensue to life and estate if we
persisted, consented to the proposal.

                              CHAP. XLII.

    _He puts a notable Cheat upon a Gentleman concerning his

Walking one time in the Fields with an Attendant or two, who would be
constantly bare before me, if in company with any persons of quality,
but otherwise, _hail fellow well met_; I was got as far as _Hackney_,
ere I thought where I was; for my thoughts were busied about designs,
and my wit was shaping them into a form; casting my eye on the one side
of me, I saw the prettiest built and well scituated House that ever my
eyes beheld. I presently had a covetous desire to be Master thereof: I
was then, as Fortune would have it, in a very gentile Garb; I walkt but
a little way further, and I soon found out a Plot to accomplish my
desires. And thus it was: I returned and knockt at the Gate, and
demanded of the Servant whether his Master was within? I understood he
was, and thereupon desired to speak with him. The Gentleman came out to
me himself, desiring me to walk in. After I had made a general Apology,
I told him my businesse, which was only to request the favour of him,
that I might have the priviledge to bring a Workman to Supervise his
House, and to take the Dimensions thereof, because I was so well pleased
with the Building, that I eagerly desired to have another built exactly
after that pattern. The Gentleman could do no lesse than to grant me so
small a civility. Coming home, I went to a Carpenter, telling him I was
about buying an House in _Hackney_, and that I would have him accompany
me to give me (in private) the estimate. Accordingly we went, and found
the Gentleman at home, who entertained me kindly as a stranger. In the
mean time the Carpenter took an exact account of the Butts and Bounds of
the House on Paper; which was as much as I desired for that time.

Paying the Carpenter well, I dismist him, and by that Paper had a Lease
drawn with a very great fine (mentioned to have been paid) at a small
Rent; Witnesses thereunto I could not want. Shortly after I demanded
Possession. The Gentleman thinking me out of my wits, only laught at me:
I commenced my suit against him; and brought my own Creatures to swear
the sealing and delivering of the Lease, the Carpenters evidence, with
many other probable Circumstances to strengthen my cause; whereupon I
had a Verdict: The Gentleman understanding what I was, thought it safer
to compound with me, and lose something, rather than lose all.

                              CHAP. XLIII.

    _How he cheated a Scrivener under the pretence of bringing
        him good Security for an Hundred pound which he would

Attiring my self in one of the richest Garbs I had, I went to a
Scrivener in _Bow-lane_, and acquainted him I had an occasion for an
Hundred pound. He demanded the Names of my Security. I told him where
they lived, two persons of eminent worth (whom I knew were gone into the
Country) and desired him to make enquiry, but in it to be private and
modest. The Scrivener according to my desires went and found them by
report to be what they were, real, able, and sufficient men: two or
three days after I called upon him to know whether I might have the
money upon the Security propounded. He told me I might, bringing the
persons; and appointed me a day. According to the time I came with two
of my Complices attired like wealthy grave Citizens, who personated such
persons so to the life, that the Scrivener could not entertain the least
suspition. The money being ready, I told it over, and putting it up in a
bag, I and my insignificant Bondsmen sealed, leaving the Scrivener to
another enquiry after us, whom, if he did not meet, I was confident he
could never find out by reason of our feigned Names.

It chanced that my forged and fictitious name shook hands with that of a
Gentleman in _Surrey_, who was a great purchaser, which I came to know
by being accidentally in his company the next night after I had cheated
this credulous Scribe, understanding likewise from him the exact place
of his abode; and as the Devil would have it, his Christian name was the
same, as well as his Sir-name, with that of mine I had borrowed.
Whereupon I went to the Scrivener again, and told him that now I had a
fair opportunity to benefit my self very much by a purchase, provided he
would assist me with 200 pound more. But Sir, said I, take notice (in a
careless and generous frankness) that it is out of a particular respect
to you, that you might profit by me that I come, again, neither will I
now give you any other Security than my own Bond, though I did otherwise
before. But if you will desire to be satisfied as to my Estate, pray let
your servant go to such a place in _Surry_, there is a piece of Gold to
bear his charges, and I will satisfie you further for the losse of your
Servants time. He being greedy of gain, very officiously promised me to
do what I required, and would speedily give me an answer. Imagining what
time his Servant would return, I repaired to him again, and understood
from him by the sequel that he received as much satisfaction as in
reason any man could require. Hereupon I had on my own Bond the money
paid me. I cannot but laugh to think how strangely the _Surry_ Gentleman
was surprized when the money becoming due was demanded of him, and how
like the figure of man in Hangings the Scrivener lookt when he found
himself cheated.

                              CHAP. XLIV.

    _How he was revenged on a Broker for arresting him for some
        Goods he had past his word for upon his friends

Notwithstanding I dayly thus, almost, cheated one or other, procuring
thereby considerable sums of money, yet, by my drinking, Whoreing, and
defending my self from such as I had wronged, I seldom kept any money by
me. One day as I walk’d the streets securely, as I thought, a fellow
fastned his _Flesh-Hooks_ on my Shoulder. Looking about to see what this
sudden _clap_ meant, I saw a fellow behind me, whose face lookt ten
times worse than those _Philistines_ that are pictured on Chimny pieces,
seizing upon _Samson_; his mouth was as largely vaulted as that within
_Aldersgate_; his Visage was almost eaten through with Pock-holes, every
hole so big, that they would have served for Children to play at
Cherry-pit; His Nose resembled an Hand-saw; take both Head and Face
together, and it appeared like the Saracens on _Snow-hill_; questionless
some _Incubus_ begot him on a Witch. Having a little recovered my self
from my amazement, I askt him what his business was with me? He spake
but little, leaving his errand to his Mace (which he shewed me) to
relate. Away they carried me to _Woodstreet_ at the Kings-head, from
whence I sent for Bail, which speedily came to me: having put in Bail to
one Action, I found another enter’d: having done the like to that I
found another, half a dozen more bearing it company; wherefore thanking
my friends for the trouble I had put them to, I desired them to leave
me, resolving to go to _Ludgate_. The two Serjeants that arrested me
conducted me thither, having my name enter’d in the Paper-House, as
Horses in _Smithfield_ are in the Tole-booth: _Cerberus_ turned the Key,
and set the door as wide open as _Westminster_-Hall Gate in the
Term-time to Country Client, to receive me from my Hell-guides, which
puts me in mind of that old Verse,

              _Noctes atque dies patet atri janua ditis._

I no sooner was enter’d into this inchanted Isle, where some lie
wind-bound sometimes seven years together, but a fellow (whom at first
sight I took to be a Gardner, because he had a kind of _Reddish_ beard,
_and turn’d up_ withal) came to me, and understanding I was a Prisoner,
seem’d mighty courteous, profering me his Chamber, for my Garnish sake.
I accepted his kindness, and went with him to view this Cobweb-hung
Chamber, for so it proved; I demanded of him who should be my
Bed-fellow? that Gentleman there Sir, said he, that sits by the
fire-side: I could not forbear smiling, for he was a fat squobby fellow,
though his brain seemed to be lean. I believe he was his own Barber, and
was forc’d to make use of a Knife instead of a Razor; for his beard it
was cut round like a rubbing brush. Certainly, had all the skin of his
body been like that of his face, it would have served excellent well
when he was dead to make cloke-bags of. Not content with this lodging, I
sought out another; liking it somewhat better then the former, I pitcht
on it. Assoon as they understood my resolution, they worried me
presently like angry Mastiffs, barking for their Garnish; I told them
they should have it to morrow, at which they grumbled like the greatest
strings of a Base-Viol. Before I went to Bed I must pay for a pair of
sheets, that never came nigh _Holland_ by three hundred miles, and out
of much civility my Bedfellow brought me a Candle not so long as his
nose to light me to Bed.

The next morning I made it my business to get out assoon as I could;
some I paid, others I non-suited, and so got clear. Being out I resolved
not to rest till I had revenged my self on this Broker that had thus
troubled me. I needed not means for the Devil seldom failed to help my
inventions. I pretended to go into the Country, and in order to it
pack’d up a Trunk of what I had most valuable and portable, and getting
a Porter, sent it to an Inn where a _Norwich_-Carryer used to lye, but I
knew him to be gone the day before. Going along with the Porter, I
enquired for such a Carryer, but they told me he was gone, and would not
return till the next week. I askt them where I might lay my Trunk safe:
they shewed me a Room; where bidding the Porter sit down, I called for
some Ale, telling the Porter, moreover, that I would have him be a
witness of what there was in the Trunk, lest I should be dishonestly
dealt by; whereupon I unlockt it, desiring him to take notice, which he
did, and to be more sure took an Inventory in Writing. Having paused a
little, now I think upon it (said I) Porter, it will not be safe to
leave this here in a publique house, as in a friends, wherefore prethee
go buy a Cord, and thou shalt carry it elsewhere. Whilest he was gone, I
took out the chiefest things and put in rubbish, or what I could get,
and so lockt it again. The Porter returning, we corded the Trunk, and
carried it to this Broker, who took it kindly from me, that I would
intrust him after our controversie, and received it. The next week I
told him I would call for it, in order to the sending it into the
Country. The time being come, I took the same Porter with me, and
demanding the Trunk, it was forthwith delivered me. Come, Porter, said
I, you must uncord it again, for I have present use for something
therein contain’d; which being done, I seemingly amaz’d, cryed out I was
rob’d, taxing the Broker for so doing, villifying him for his knavery.
He protested that he never lookt on it to his knowledge since the
receipt thereof. Well Sir (said I) this shall not serve your turn, this
honest Porter knows how differently it is fraught from what he saw it at
first. In a great seeming heat I left him, but before he slept I sent a
couple of Serjeants to him, who arrested him; coming to tryal, by the
assistance of two (resolv’d Jurors) and this Porter, I overthrew him,
and recovered above forty pound, besides cost of Suit.

                               CHAP. XLV.

    _How he cozened a rich Usurer, and a young Tradesman._

Being resolved to go and look out some of my Consorts to rejoyce
together for my good successe in my advantagious revenge, I met with an
old comrade that had lately _heav’d a Booth, Anglice_ broken open a
Shop, who told me he had a quantity of good comodities, and desired me
to put them off for him, knowing that I dealt in Brokeage in goods
indirectly come by: I promised him I would. The next day he delivered
what he had into my hands, I instantly carried them to an old Usurer
that would grasp at any thing, telling him I only desired to Mort-gage
them for such a time, requesting to lend me fifty pounds thereon. He
looking upon them to be thrice the value of that sum, lent me freely the
quantity of mony propounded, and in my sight took the Goods and laid
them in a place next his Bed-chamber. The same day I met with this
friend, who demanded of me whether I had done his businesse? No, not yet
(said I) it will be to morrow first: However let us drink a glass of
wine, which he readily consented to. Having drank pretty smartly, he
could not contain himself (so powerful are the operations of Wine, as it
frequently makes a man divulge that which carrieth in it inevitable
ruine) I say he told me whose Shop it was he robb’d, and at what time. I
seem’d to take little notice then, though I intended to make good use of
it. Parting with him, I went straightway to the person rob’d, and told
him that accidentally I was inform’d of his late losse, and that my
intent of coming was out of a principle of honesty, to assist him in the
recovery of what was stollen from him. But before I acquainted him with
any thing, I required of him a Bond of 10 _l._ if I helpt him to his
Goods; which he granted me. I advised him to get the Lord Chief Justices
Warrant, which he did, and taking some friends with him, I directed them
where they should go, and in what place they should find them. He would
have had me gone with him, but that I excused my self, alledging it
would be inconvenient. Taking a Constable with them, they went & found
what they sought for according to my direction, which they seiz’d,
leaving the old man to condole his losse, which had been no great
matter, had not his life lain in his Purse.

Having thus carried on my mischievous contrivances with continued
impunity; the next I fell on was a young Merchant, to whom I went
gentily habited, with a foot-boy waiting at my heels. I lookt out
several Commodities, and laid them aside, assuring him that I would e’re
long lay out a considerable parcel of money with him. We discours’d upon
the price, and in the conclusion closed. The next day I appointed the
Goods to be sent home to my House, and in the interim desired him to go
along with me, and accept of what poor accommodation my habitation would
afford him, under the pretence of being better acquainted, but my design
was to raise in him a good opinion of me, for I had one room
(especially) very richly hung with costly Furniture. My motion was
entertained, and away we went, where I treated him nobly; the next day
the Commodities were sent in with his Servant, who expected his money,
but I pretended that my Cashier was abroad, and so desired him to call
the next morning; he did, but then I was not to be spoken with. Thus he
did so often till the young man was weary. At last the Master himself
came, who met me just as I was going out; who had not the patience to
ask for his money, but presently railed most bitterly, calling me cheat,
knave, _&c._ and that he would not put himself to the trouble of polling
me up, but would have a Warrant for me instantly.

Being gone, I was as nimble as himself, having a couple of my Emissaries
ready for him against his return. It was not long before he came
strutting with a Constable. Perceiving him coming, I sent my two friends
out with their Warrant, and putting it into the Constables hand, charged
him in the Kings name to execute it upon such a one, meaning the
Merchant; who dared not deny it, but carried him before a Justice,
before whom my two Rogues swore flat felony, and so was committed.
Sending for friends, they advised him to make an end thereof. Whereupon
I was much solicited; and upon consideration I consented to cause my
friends to forbear prosecution.

As yet I have not fully unbowell’d the huge bulk of my villany, that
hath proved so burdensome to the world, and destructive to so many
Families; wherefore give me leave a little farther to anatomize my own
vicious nature, and I shall so lay open the Ulcers and Sores of my
Impostumed Machinations, apparent to the sight of every one, that the
most Ospray and Owl-eyed spectator shall confesse there never was a more
necessary and commodious discovery revealed.

Brother, said I, for so I must call you now, your _flagitious_ deeds
claiming that title, and must be compell’d I see to give you
superiority, the upper-hand, for I am confident the line of other mens
inventions never sounded the Sea of a more deep and dreadful mischief.
When I consider how powerful and imperious vice is of late grown; and
what horrid facts are committed every where by licentious and wicked men
that swarm in all places: I admire that the Fabrick of the Earth is not
continually palsyed by Earth-quakes, since there is a Creator above that
oversees such actions. That the Earth her self (though an indulgent
Mother) doth not receive into her Womb her off-spring, and therein for
shame hide them: that the air is not choaked with Froggs, and that black
pitchy mists do not perpetually masque the face of Heaven, and leave the
world in obscurity; and that the Sun doth not hide his face from seeing
such enormous crimes, blacker than is the Eclipse of his countenance:
and lastly, that the Sea is not turned to blood to put us in mind of the
cruel and remorselesse usages of one another; our kindnesse being
commonly attended with discourtesies of a Vermilion hue. Thus Brother
you see I am sensible of my miscarriages, but want the power to regulate
my life. I would have proceeded, but that I found this discourse grated
in his ears; wherefore I desired him to prosecute his story, which he
did in this manner.

                              CHAP. XLVI.

    _He discovers the subtlety of some Citizens he had to do
        withal by Broking for them, relating his own craft and
        cunning; and what the consequent was, the ruine of young

Like an Hawk as I told you, I flew at all Game, not confining my self to
any one thing particularly: where I could abuse the Law, I did; and if I
had an opportunity to Trepan, I seldome failed, _&c._ Some part of my
time I spent in the enquiry of what young Heirs were arrived, into whose
society I was sure by one means or other to insinuate my self. These
Country Wood-cocks I knew how to catch with a City Spring; whom I very
well understood, had rather be out of the world than out of the fashion,
who would be brave for the present time, though their Gallantry cost
them all their future Fortunes. I commonly laid my plot thus: Sir, you
undervalue your self by the meanness of your Habit, it being so
unsuitable to your quality: if you want money, you cannot want credit,
having a fair promising estate in reversion; if you are willing, I will
find you out a believing Mercer. Returning me many thanks, it may be he
would be in such hast as to send me presently. He could not be so eager
to have his gaudy desires satisfied, as I forward to accomplish them. I
knew where to go readily to one, with whom I went snips; in so saying, I
would not have any think I throw dirt upon that noble profession. If I
discover the fraud of any particular person, as long as I name him not,
I do him no wrong; but if I detect by what deceitful and sinister means
he worketh upon the infirmity of the youth of a green-witted Gallant, it
may serve for an _use of instruction_. In the most famous Universities
there are some Dunces resident, that by disgracing themselves, disgrace
also their fellow Students. In the most virtuous Courts there will be
some Parasites. So in the most goodly and glorious City under Heavens
Canopy, there are some Asps lurking, that sting the reputation of their
Brethren by their poysonous and corrupt dealings. There are knaves in
all _Trades_ but _Book-selling_.

But to my purpose: a young Gentleman coming out of _Norfolk_ to see the
City, and finding so many (beneath him in estate) gallant it so much
above him, he grew very melancholy: hapning to be in his company, and
indifferently well acquainted with him, I askt him the cause of his
sadness? after I had prest him very much, he ingeniously confest the
true original of his pensiveness. Pish, said I, is that all? let me
alone to effect what you desire; neither shall you wait longer than the
morrow. Leaving my Gentleman, away I went to a person fit for my
purpose, and gave him an account of my business: glad he was, thankt me
for my pains, promising me a reward, and would needs have me to a Tavern
to consult this affair. Having concluded every thing, I repaired the
next day to my Gentleman, who over-joyed to see me was impatient to know
whether his wishes were consummated. Come along with me, said I, and we
will try what we can do. I have bin very importunate with the Mercer,
but as yet I cannot mollifie him; it may be your presence may do much.
Finding him in the shop, I called him aside, and told him this was the
Gentleman. My young Gentleman, that would be a Gallant presently, fell
aboard him, and (with much fervencie and protestations) he woo’d the
Mercer to credit him for 30 _l._ worth of Commodities. I call’d him
aside, saying, What will 30 _l._ worth do? take up 100 _l._ worth; and
what you use not, I’ll dispose by sale, to furnish your Pockets with
money. He thankt me kindly for my advice, and returned to the Mercer,
who askt him, If he should credit him with so much, what security would
he propound? This struck my young Gentleman as mute as a Cods-head. The
Mercer perceiving he had nothing to say, plaid the _Rope-maker_, being
extreme _backward_ to trust him: Bonds he refused, Judgements he would
not hear of, Statutes he scorned: for, said he, Gentlemen of late have
found out so many tricks to cozen their Creditors, (I by the same means
having had several Collops cut from the body of my estate) that I will
not credit any more: whereas he spake this only to grinde the blunt
appetite of my _Commodity-taker_ into a _sharper edge_, and make him
more greedy of his own ruine; imitating in this a cunning and deceitful,
though petulant and wanton Curtezan, who is nice when a sick-brain’d
young Gallant importunes her to admit of his amorous kindness, only to
make him more fierce upon his own confusion: holding him off like a
Fencer, a month or two, that he may come up the more roundly to her
purpose. But to the matter. My Gentleman being as it were denied, I
seconded him thus: Sir, you know not what you do in refusing to credit
this Gentleman; he is his fathers heir, a man of a vast estate, and very
aged: This his son is about a very great Match, a rich heiress; and
though he hath not money for the present, yet let him have an hundred
pounds worth of _Commodities_, you need not doubt your payment; and it
will do him at this present a thousand pounds worth of good. The Mercer
began to hearken to this, and protested to my _Green-goose_ that he
would be glad to do any a pleasure, so as not to injure himself; that if
he could but possess him with a belief that he should have his money in
six months, he would freely let him have 100 _l._ worth of what he
pleased. The yong Gentleman protested it, and I warranted it; and the
Mercer (though seemingly loth) condescended, upon this Proviso still,
that he should procure some man else to be bound with him, as good as
himself: for, said he, we are all mortal, and not having a lease of our
lives, we may die before to-morrow; where then is my 100 _l._? Signior
Unthrift is once more put to his _non-plus_; but at length he fell to
intreat me to do it, who would not by any means; and so we parted. He
would not let me rest for two or three days together; so that at last,
provided he would give me 10 _l._ I agreed; and so we went again to the
Mercer, and entring into Bonds, we had the _Commodities_. Having made my
yong Gentleman an absolute Gallant, I went to sell what was left, of
which I made 40 _l._ but I made my Gallant to be contented with 30.
alledging, that when goods came once to be sold, they will not yeild the
moiety of what they cost, though new: and out of that 30_l._ I had my 10
_l._ for suretyship. Thus I perswaded him to be very well satisfied. He
revels about, whilst I was contriving to leave him as bare of means as
brains. Now doth my Mercer dream of nothing but his pay-day, which he
hoped would be broken. The time being expired, and my young Novice not
minding it, the Mercer invited him to a dinner in _Fish-street_. Dinner
being almost ended, for a third course came up a couple of _Sergeants_
stewed with _Mace_, who arrested him at the suit of the founder of the
feast. Not procuring Bail, he was carried to the Counter, where he lay
some time. His friends hearing of it, endeavour’d to get him out, by
suing out an _Audita querela_. My Mercer hearing of that, advised with
me what was best to be done. Agree, said I, with some Officer in the
Exchequer, and turn the debt over to the King, pretending you owe him so
much money: for the Chancery will not or cannot allow any thing in such
a case against his Majesty. He so doing, did his business for the
present. Thus have I read, when Jews have bought a red-hair’d boy, at
first they cloath him in silks, ravishing him with all the delights that
can be thought on, never have Musick from his ears, or Banquets from his
taste; and thus use him, till they see he is plump, fat, & fit for their
purpose: but when the poor boy least thinks of his imminent ruine, he is
taken by a brace of slaves, and tyed up by the heels, so beaten by
degrees to death with Cudgels, purging the rankest poyson out of his
mouth, and making Mumy of his flesh. I shall leave it to the Reader to
make application. In short, I perswaded the Mercer to take a Bond of
500_l._ of his prisoner, to be paid after his fathers decease. This
Widgeon being in the nets, sealed to any thing for his liberty. He was
not the first so served, by thousands: and that is the reason there are
so many Crested Citizens: for Gentlemen being begger’d by their
Extortion, they have no other means then to _fall in_ with their wives,
_purchasing_ from them a supply. This is it that makes the road every
where so full of High-way-men, who will borrow of men when they have
little minde to lend, but not without giving them _Bonds_. This makes
_Tyburn_ the Metropolitan, and other petty Gallowses, have so many
_hangers on_; and this is the cause so many such Citizens sons are
plagued after their fathers deaths, as their fathers when living have
plagued others. These are the Boars that plow up whole acres, nay fields
of Gentlemens lands with their snouts: these are the Swine that eat up
whole Orchards; and these are they, whose fiery consciences drink up
whole Fishponds at a draught; and lastly, they are the _Hurricanes_ that
root up the trees of whole Woods together. From such _libera nos

To conclude, take this as an infallible Maxime, that the worst of
Creditors are either very rich, or very poor men. The rich man can stay
for his money, and so will have all or none; the poor will have no pity,
nor indeed can he, since the debt may be all he is worth.

                              CHAP. XLVII.

    _How he insinuated himself into the acquaintance of all he
        thought he could prey upon, and what tricks he used to
        build his interest upon their ruine._

How can that _Tyrant_ flourish in his Commonwealth, when the foundation
of his Reign was built on the Sepulchre of the right and lawful Heir he
murther’d? And how can that man prosper, whose rise he rear’d from other
mens ruines? Such was I, who having oftentimes been gulled by Knaves,
turned Knave my self, and did as greedily hunt after such I could make a
prey of, (to repair the damages I had sustain’d by others) as the devil
doth after Usurers souls, being on their death-beds, resolving to live
like a Bandite on the spoil. Like an old Souldier having been beaten to
the world, (or indeed more properly, beaten by the world) I began to
summon up all my senses and my idle brains to a strict account, how to
get that up again, my riot and folly had spent; and thinking I had no
way to recover my self, but by what ruined me, I did cast about me, and
fished after this manner. I prepared my lines, provided baits, and made
ready my hooks, which had such constant and firm barbs, that after I had
struck a Gudgeon in the gills, I was sure to hold him, though I suffer’d
him to play a little in the stream. The Flouds I daily frequented, were
either the Temple, Ordinaries, Play-houses, Cock-pits, Brothels, or
Taverns, leaving no place unsearch’d, wherein there might be any thing
worthy a Bait. If such I found, like a shadow I was never from his
heels, but followed him close, especially if he was a young
Country-Gentleman, whom his father had sent up to see fashions in the
Citie: and rather then he should go out as raw as he came in, I failed
not to season him in one of the Cities Powdering-Tubs. First, I made it
my business to know what his father allowed him; then would I study his
natural disposition and inclination, and accordingly sute my self to
him, so that by my behaviour towards him, he should look upon me to be
his _Masculine Sweet-heart_, his bosom-friend, and that like
_Hippocrates_ twins we must needs live and die together. Having
accordingly by much sweat and industry adapted and fitted him to my
humour and purpose, and wrought him to such a soft and waxen
temperature, that I could make what impression I pleased on him, I
brought him acquainted with some of my accomplices, who all vail’d
bonnet to him, invited him from Tavern to Tavern, not letting him expend
a peny; or if he wanted money, I would supply him with four or five
pound. This Innocent (not having yet scented the Citie-air) all this
while thinks himself in _Elysium_, fancying he enjoys more delights then
the _Turks Paradise_ affords; and withal imagineth himself not a little
graced, to be entertained among such seeming Gallants. For my Rogues
(give me the liberty to call them so) lookt on it as the greatest piece
of policie to wear good cloaths, though their pockets were worse
furnished then a Chandlers box, that seldom hath any greater money in
it, then Two-pence, Three-pence, Groats, _&c._ Sometimes my Cully did
meet with some that knew me, who would advise him to have a care of me,
and not to keep me company, for I was a dangerous person, and in the end
would be his ruine. Whereas it was but to little purpose: for when youth
is in its full vigour, and height of desire, neither wholesome counsel,
nor lamentable examples, will give them warning of their future
destruction. Still I continued my seeming respects and kindnesses to
him, which I onely intended as the _Præludium_ or Prologue to that Play
which was to come after: for my Country _Cock-brain_ being honeyed with
these sweet delights, thought that whatever he could return, was notable
to give an answerable satisfaction. Watching a fit opportunity, (when he
was well warm’d with Wine) then would I perswade him, (which was no
difficult matter) to be bound with me for so much, _&c._ which I
promised I would repay at the day, without putting him to any
inconvenience: but he knew not, that what I borrowed for an hour, I
borrowed for an age. When I could squeeze no more juyce out of him, then
I left him to the mercy of his Creditors, to be dealt withal as the
Popinjay in the Fable, who being summoned to appear with the rest of the
winged Tribe, before their King the Eagle, borrowed of all the finer
sort of birds feathers to adorn him, and make him appear splendid before
his Soveraign. After he was dismiss’d, he proudly flutter’d up and down
the woods with his borrow’d gallantry; which made the little Titmouse,
Wren and Hedge-sparrow adore him. They to whom he was obliged for his
gallantry, hearing thereof, demanded again their own, and so deplum’d
him, whereby he seem’d ten times worse then those small birds that
lately did admire him. Such Popinjays are they, who borrow of every
Citizen, to make themselves shew glorious in the worlds eye; but when
the Creditors shall come and claim their own, and get it, they will seem
more foul, then lately they did fair. So various and villanous were the
pranks I committed every day, that I was forced now, like an Owl, to
appear onely by night in the Citie. If I did at any time transgress that
custom, I did then like the dogs of _Egypt_, which when they come to
drink of the river _Nilus_, lap here and there, not daring to stay long
in one place, for fear the Crocodiles that lie lurking within the banks,
should pull them into the Current: so did I, skulking here and there,
first to one Tavern, and then, not daring to stay longer there, shifting
to another. But to proceed.

                             CHAP. XLVIII.

    _How he could make Ink that would disappear from the Paper,
        accordingly as he pleased, by the strength or weakness
        of the composition. His imitating exactly both Hand and
        Seal. A remarkable Story thereupon._

Reading one time a book that an Italian writ, I found therein a
description of several sorts of Ink, and how to make them; but more
especially, an Ink that should last a week, a month, or two, according
to the composition. I made an experiment, and found it hit indifferently
well: perceiving how beneficial this would be to me, I resolved not to
rest till I had found out the true Receipt; which I did at last, by much
study and industry. Having obtain’d it, I so highly valued it, that
methought I would not have parted with it for the _Philosophers Stone_.
Not to be tedious, I did abuse therewith many persons with Bonds,
Leases, Deeds, Acquittances, _&c._ there appearing in such a time
nothing but the bare Seal, the paper remaining as white as if never writ
on. By the help of Graving, I could counterfeit Seals exactly, insomuch
that I have often cheated the _Grand Cheater, Oliver_, the late
hypocritical and bloudy Tyrant; and by an exact imitation of an
hand-writing his Council was too sensible of what Cheats I put upon
them. That I was no bungler at it, I shall give you this instance.
Accidentally coming acquainted with a Gentlewoman, very beautiful and
well featur’d, her sparkling eyes set me all in a flame, so that I
resolved to attempt the enjoyment of her. Oftentimes I visited her, and
by the modesty of my carriage towards her, she perceived not my burning
lust. One time having a fit opportunity, she being alone, I communicated
my thoughts to her: waving what amorous discourse past on my side, I
would have fallen roundly to the matter; but she understanding my
intent, cry’d out; whereupon I desisted, seeing it was to little purpose
if I proceeded. Sitting down by her, she exprest an absolute hatred to
me for my incivility, and vow’d she would neither see nor endure me
more. The vehemence of her utterance and countenance fully declared she
was in earnest; so that I saw ’twas time to be gone. Looking about
(unperceived by her) I took up half a sheet of paper of her writing, and
clapt it into my pocket; and so took my leave. Coming home, I found my
love converted into hatred, and therefore vowed my revenge: and thus it
was. I understood from her whereabout, her husband liv’d, and what his
Christian name was, with something of her concerns; that her husbands
mother could not endure her, (because her son married her without a
portion, though a wise, discreet, vertuous, and handsome woman) and
whereabout he liv’d, with name, _&c._ I counterfeited a Letter, as from
this vertuous Gentlewoman, to a Gallant of hers, taxing him with want of
love, and that if he proved not more constant, she had no more to say to
him, _&c._ The contents you shall have in the Letter it self, as

      Most beloved by me of men!

    _I cannot blame you so much as my self; it is customary for man
    to proffer, but then it should be a womans duty to refuse: but
    alas! how could I withstand the powerful perswasions of your
    eloquent tongue, especially when they carried with them so much
    seeming reality of affection and constancy? I finde you now like
    other vow-breaking men, who having obtained the fruition of
    their desires, their appetite nauseates that which before it so
    eagerly crav’d. Call to minde those many endeared and melting
    expressions you did voluntarily utter, when I was encircled in
    thine arms; and if that will not reduce you to your former
    station, and good esteem of me, now so much slighted by you,
    consider that I have preferred you in love before my Husband,
    not caring how much I wronged him to pleasure you. If nothing
    will prevail, know then, this shall be my resolution, that since
    you have alienated my affection from my Husband, and you thus
    unworthily desert me, I will procure a Subject elsewhere shall
    out-do you in every thing, as much or more as you have out-done
    my Husband. I am young, plump, handsome, and bucksome; what then
    should hinder me from enjoying such a person, my heart will not
    rest satisfied till I have found? which having done, he shall
    lead me in thy view, and then it is probable you will desire,
    but never shall re-assume your place again within my breast._


This Letter was sent to her Mother-in-law in the Country, who was glad
she had matter to impeach her daughter to her son. Assoon as he saw the
Letter, he very well knew the hand, he thought, and would have sworn it
to be his wifes: but reading the contents, the poor man was ready to
sink down for grief. Perturbation of minde would not let him rest in his
Country-dwelling, but rid up Post to _London_, where he soon found out
his wife. The unexpected sight of him at first surprised her, not
hearing of his coming, and knowing that his occasions were very urgent
in the country: however, like a truly-loving wife, she was over-joy’d to
see him, and would have kiss’d him, but that he rudely thrust her off;
which action struck her to the heart, and overwhelmed her in amazement.
Prethee, Sweetheart (said she) what is the matter? There, read it, said
he, throwing her the Letter. She read it, and swounded. He let her lie,
not caring whether she liv’d or dy’d; and had dy’d indeed, had not her
Maid come up accidentally. Being recover’d, he ask’t her whether it was
her hand. She could not deny it: which made the man rage, ready to run
out of his wits, whilst she was silent with astonishment, taking such
inward grief, that she betook her self to her bed. Nothing could comfort
her, neither would she take any thing to sustain life. Hearing how
powerfully my forgeries had wrought, to the hazard of somes lives; in
the same hand I sent him a Letter, wherein I gave him an account of the
designe, proclaiming to the world this Gentlewomans honesty, unspotted
and unstain’d. The Gentlewoman recover’d in a little time after; but
this trick had too much seiz’d upon my Gentleman; for like a fool he
fell distracted in a sneering posture, as pleas’d to think his wife was
honest _notwithstanding_. I have been somewhat long in this relation,
because it was a passage very remarkable. Now I shall tell you how I
cheated a young Citizen and an Upholster.

                              CHAP. XLIX.

    _How he cheated a young Citizen newly set up, and an

A young Citizen about to set up, and wanting some money, was directed to
me, to procure so much as his present occasion required. I treated him
very civilly, promising him very fairly; and in order thereunto,
appointed him a day; which being come, contrary to my expectation or
desire, he brought a crew with him, to see the receipt of the money.
Judging this time inconvenient for my designes, I told him I expected
the money this very day; but if he pleased to seal the Bond, and have it
witnessed, he might keep it himself; and bringing the Bond with him the
next day, he should not fail to have his money. The next day he came to
the place appointed, where I was ready to wait him. As good fortune
would have it, he came alone. I discours’d with him a while: at last I
desired him to let me see the Bond; which he delivered into my hand,
being sign’d and seal’d before. I took this as a good and lawful livery,
and put it up into my pocket. He asked me what I meant. I told him he
should know when the Bond became due. Why Sir, said he, you will not
serve me so? Dost thou think I am such a fool, said I, to lend thee so
much money upon a piece of paper, which next Showre of rain will wash
away with thy self into the common Shore? Shall I trust thee, when thou
canst not trust thy self? At this the young man began to be clamorous;
but one of my accomplices soon still’d the Clapper of his mouth, by a
sound knock on the pate, which laid him asleep: and in the mean time we
marcht off. Just as the money came due upon the Bond, my flock-pated Cit
was gone to tell his friends in the Country the danger of Counters and
Prisons in the Citie. At another time I wanted money to supply my
present occasions, but could not instantly think of any other means of
assistance in this necessity, but to sell my Featherbed, together with
its appurtenances. Whereupon I packt them up, and desired a friend to go
with the Porter, and sell them to an Upholster. My friend did so, and
brought me half their worth; but withal, that which was more then their
worth, the mans name. A week after, I wanted my bed, and resolved to
have it again. To that end, I went to him that bought it, and asked him
before a couple that I took with me, whether at such a time he had not
such commodities sold him. He acknowledged that he had. I desired to see
them: and he as readily granted it. Sir, said I, these are my Goods: I
was lately robb’d, and now I know you are the Receiver: I must have you
before a Justice, to know how you came by them. The naming of a Justice
so terrified this silly fellow, that he bid me take them if I would
swear they were mine, and put him to no further trouble. I swore they
were mine, (and therein I was not perjur’d) but told him I could not
receive stollen Goods safely, though they were mine own. In short, I
recovered my Bed and furniture, with money to boot.

                                CHAP. L.

    _He is at last met withal, and laid up in Prison by one of
        his Creditors. The abuses and tricks Sergeants use to
        arrest men. Lastly, he escaped, by putting a trick upon
        his Keeper._

Having gone thus far without any remarkable check or controul, at least
any such as might bear a proportion with the villanies and injuries I
had done, I absolutely thought that nothing was dishonest or difficult
that had in it either pleasure or profit. Meeting with no molestation or
hinderance, I took my freedom to do even what I listed. One time
thinking my self most secure, I then found my self in the greatest
danger, being arrested in an Action of 5000 _l._ Several times there
were attempts made to take me, but I was still too cunning for them: yet
at last they over-reacht me; it will not be amiss to relate in what
manner. They had information, that every week I had Letters come to me
out of _Essex_, and that the Porter which brought them had still free
admittance to me: wherefore the Serjeant provided himself a Frock, and a
Rope about his middle, which would better have become his neck, and with
Letters in his hand directed to me, trudged to my lodging. Knocking at
my door, and being demanded his business, he told them he had Letters
for the master of the house, nominating me. Looking out, and seeing no
one but a seeming Porter, I order’d that he should be let in. Assoon as
he was enter’d, he bid my Worship good morrow, and in stead of
delivering me his Letters, shewed me his Mace; which I wisht might be
the onely spice and meat too he should eat for a twelvemonth. Seeing how
I was betraid, I went quickly along with him to the Compter; and
afterwards, finding I could make no composition with my Creditors,
turned my self over to the _Kings-Bench_. Various are their tricks and
inventions to ensnare whom they intend to arrest. Sometimes I have known
a Creditor seem to comply with his Debtor, telling him that paying some
inconsiderable matter, his Bonds should be renewed with longer time:
then appoint him a place of meeting, where he saith he will bring a
Counsellor and Scrivener; a Counsellor to advise them in management of
their business, and a Scrivener to write what they determined. He
acquainted a Serjeant and a Yeoman with his Plot, who were as hot upon
it, as an _Italian_ on a Wench of Fifteen. The Serjeant going with a
Barresters Gown on his back, and the Yeoman with his beard cut as close
as a Stubble-Field, with a Pen in his ear, and some Parchment in his
hand, effected their designe without suspition. A Merchant I knew, that
intended to break and go beyond Sea, was betraid by his servant, who
informed his Creditors that just at such a time his Master would be
gone; that on the morrow he would send for Coopers to hoop some Dry-fats
to pack his goods; and that if ever they hoped to have their money, they
must make that their time. Some Sergeants were presently acquainted
herewith, who attired like Coopers in red caps, canvase breeches, with
Ads in their hands, and hoops about their shoulders, went to the
Merchant, and were entertained whilst he was giving them direction; but
in stead of hooping the Dry-fats, they hoopt him in their arms, and
arrested him. Before they parted with him, they made him part with so
much money as would satisfie his Creditors and them; and made him fee
them besides, not to enter any more Actions against him. They will
change themselves into as many shapes as _Proteus_, to bring about their
designes: sometimes like a grand wealthy Citizen, othertimes like a
Country fellow newly come to town, with boots and spurs all dirty. Now
as I have related their manner of arresting, so let me in short inform
you of their using (or rather abusing) prisoners. First they enquire of
the person whether it be the first time he was arrested: if so, then
they know the better how to deal with him: perhaps they will carry him
to the Tavern, pretending to do him kindness, where they will advise him
to send for some friend; and one of them will be the Porter himself; but
in stead of fetching the friend, he only enquires out his Creditors, and
perswades them to use this opportunity to recover their debt: mean
while, the other that is left behinde doth _milk_ him. The messenger
returning, sorrowfully tells him his friend is not at home. Getting as
much as they can by spunging, and sucking the very _heart-bloud_ of his
pocket, the Compter must be his refuge at last. Sometimes, when they see
a man in fear of Arresting, they will without warrant of the Creditor
give him a cast of his Office, which they often do before they enter
their Action; and have ways to prevent any mischief that can come by
search of the Offices. Other times, for a fee, they will send to the
party to keep out of the way, as was concluded beforehand. Oftentimes,
upon an Arrest, if the Creditor stand not by, they will let the partie
escape for a Brace of _Angels_, or so; and tell his adversary that he
cannot set eye on him. And whereas their Fee for an Arrest is to be but
1 _s._ yet will they hardly be perswaded to do their Office under a
_Crown_: and albeit the Statute say that the partie arrested shall pay
but one _Groat_, I will not excuse him for an _Angel_. If a man oppose
them, or endeavour an escape, they will both _gripe_ and _pinch_ him,
and afterwards clap an Action of _Assault and Battery_ on him at their
own Suit. I could say more of them, but that for fear, I must be
favourable, who am now, as I tell you, a prisoner in the _Kings Bench_,
which may be called _The Bankrupts Banquetting-house_, where he feasts
himself on dishes borrowed from other mens tables; or, _The Prodigals
Purgatory_, and _A Pesthouse for decaying Citizens_. Weary of this
place, wherein are as many maladies and mischiefs as flew out of
_Pandora’s_ box opened by _Epimetheus_; I invented this stratagem: One
day I pretended much business abroad, and so got leave to go out with my
Keeper, resolving not to return with him. Having been from Tavern to
Alehouse, and so to Tavern again, pretending the dispatch of much
business, I at length told my Keeper, that I would visit a very dear
friend of mine, but that I thought it requisite to be trim’d first. He
consenting, we went to a Barbers. I sat down in the Chair first; and
being dispatcht, I desired the Keeper to sit down too, and I would pay
for _sprucifying_ his _Phisnomy_. Whilst he was trimming, I talkt of one
thing or other, to hold him in discourse. At last said the Barber, _Shut
your eyes, or else my ball will offend them_. Shutting his eyes, I took
an occasion to slip out, planting my self in an house hard by; the
Barber not imagining I was a prisoner. The Keeper not hearing me talk,
valued not the smart, but opened his eyes; and seeing me not in the
shop, rose up, and that so hastily, that he overthrew _Cutbeard_, and
the bason on him, running out into the street with the Barbers cloth
about him, and _Don Barberoso’s Turbant_ on his head. The people seeing
him thus with the froth about his face, concluded him mad, and as he ran
gave him the way. The Barber with his Razor ran after the Keeper,
crying, _Stop him, stop him, that I may be revenged on the Rogue_. The
other nere minding the Outcry, ran staring up and down as if his wits
had lately stole away from him, and he in pursuit of them. Some durst
not stop him, others would not, thinking the Barber by his posture
intended to have his Testicles for abusing his wife. To conclude, the
Barber at last seis’d him, and having recovered his cloaths, and made
him pay 6 d. for shaving, the Keeper was dismist with a kick or two in
the arse; the Barber not suffering him to speak a word in his own
defence. Thus freeing my self, I resolv’d to take the Country-air, where
I happily met with you. Many other things worthy remembrance did he
relate, which now I have forgot. Some while we staid together; but at
last his business call’d him one way, and my _Padding Trade_ invited me

                               CHAP. LI.

    _He is laid up in _Oxford_-Goal by his Host, he is cheated
        at Chester; and after some time is ransomed thence by
        some of his Comrades, Knights of the _Road_, they paying
        his Debts._

Our Crew having been abroad, we had got a valuable Purchase; which after
we had divided, I told them, that I would but visit a friend at
_Oxford_, and repair to them again within two or three days. My old
Acquaintance being overjoy’d to see me, after so long absence, treated
me very gallantly, introducing me into the society of the Wits; who
would frequently drink too, till they had lost them. The Company pleased
me so well, that I thought it a solecism in civility to be sober, when
they made any appointment for mirth; and they being true
_Bacchanalians_, in the uppermost Classes of _Aristippus’s_ School,
scorn’d to be outvy’d by a junior Sophister; and therefore, do what I
could, they would be drunk before me: they never contended about any
argument that tended to ebriety, but swallowed them all. I thought they
would never have done speaking of Sack; every one endeavouring who
should express most in its praise. One said, _That Diogenes was but a
dry fellow_; and the only reason he could give for it, was, _That it is
shrewdly suspected by the Commentators on his Tub, that that
wooden-house of his was given him by a Beer-brewer, who being a enemy to
all good wits and learning, gave him this Cask, which formerly had
contained that pernicious liquor, Beer, that by the meer scent he might
destroy his understanding_. But _Bacchus_ is so witty a Philosopher,
that he never fails, night nor day, to pour forth his instructions, till
he hath filled his auditors out of measure; it is he that makes us speak
fluently, and utter our minds in abundance: for my part, I am commonly
so overjoyed in his company, that I have often feared I should never be
my own man again. Said another, It is Sack was the _Promethean_ fire,
not stoln from _Jove’s_ Kitchin, but his Wine-cellar, to increase the
native heat, without which we are but cold clay; but that celestial
liquor applyed even to the dead, will cause a revivification: this is it
which gave _Ganymede_ beauty, and _Febe_ youth. Can you think, that ever
_Aristotle_ would have been taken notice of, had he drank Ale or Beer;
or, that _Alexander_’s conquests had been heard of, had he been sober?
therefore to make his Captains famous to posterity, he taught them how
to muster Quarts and Pottles, and by accustoming them to be dead-drunk,
shewed them the way to contemn death. All this is true (said another, so
drunk, that what he spake could hardly be understood) but pray take my
opinion with you too: do not all light things ascend? what better way is
there to understand high matters, then a light head? _Copernicus_ by the
lightness of his head, claimed alliance with heaven, and by that first
found out the motion of the earth; which he could never have done, had
not Sack been his instructor. Hence grew the Proverb, _In vino veritas_,
as if Sack were the only Butt truth shoots at, the piercing of which
causeth the other to be drawn out with it. For my part Gentlemen, said
I, my passion was never more stirred then the other day, comming by a
red-lettice, unto which I have a natural antipathy: there did I hear a
Tapster aver, that _Helicon_ was nothing more then an Hogs-head of
March-beer, and that _Pegasus_ was anciently a Dray-horse; and then
speaking of _French_ wine, in derision, called him frisking _Monsieur_;
and the _Spanish, Don Rhodomontado_; swearing that if ever he met with
either, he would challenge all the Drawers in the Town to dash him as he
would. Then tumbling out two or three small-beer oaths, he wisht that he
might never look through his red-lettice Percullice, if he did not
verily believe he should see _Monsieur_ burn’d with a pox to him, and
_Spanish Don_ mull’d to death with butter and eggs.

               _It is a thing beyond my reason,
                 That we strong Ale for Sack should quit,
               Since ’twould have blown us up by treason,
                 Had not Ale bestirr’d our wit:
               Then give us Ale, but banish Sack;
               That _Spanish Don_ must have the rack._

I could do no less for his malepertness, but broach his Hogs-head, which
to convince him of his error, ran Terse Claret: I heard afterwards, this
accident converted the Infidel. We spun out various discourses of this
nature, as long as we could see, and then each man reel’d to his
respective lodging. The next morning, walking abroad to finde out some
of my last nights associates, unfortunately my _Chester_-Landlord (who
having some business to do in _Oxford_, was newly come thither to
dispatch it) espy’d me, and without accosting me (like a subtile
Sophister) watcht me whither I went: being housed, he presently fetcht
two Officers, and coming out into the street napt me. I sent to those
friends that had been so merry with me ever since my coming to that
City; but they understanding the business, came not neer me; one
pretending indisposition of body; another, that he was not within; a
third, that he was about urgent occasions, which having finisht, he
would wait upon me; but in fine, none came to my relief, shewing
themselves right pot-companions, whose courtesies it may be, shall
extend to the payment of a Reckoning, when their friend wants it to
discharge it himself; but disappear and vanish, when their assistance is
implored to draw him out of Prison. Seeing no remedy, I patiently
suffer’d my self to be confined. My adversary visiting me, I treated
with him about my releasment, offering him what I had, which was neer
upon half; but his resolution was to have all, or there I must lie.
Though I could not much condemn him, yet I could not but complain
against the inconstancy of Fortune; and ruminating within my mind the
miseries that attend all sorts of prisons, I judged that of Debt to be
the most deplorable; and though I wanted liberty, which commonly doth
depress the mind, yet by the vertue of Canary (which I could not be
without) my fancy scorned to be fetter’d, but would in spite of fate,
use her freedom. ’Tis some kind of pleasure and comfort, for a man
sometimes in adversity, to descant on his own miserable condition; which
because I found experimentally true, I applied my self to my usual
custom, the use of my pen, differencing these Metropolitan Prisons thus:

          _To _Bedlam_ men are sent bereft of wit;
          When ’tis restored, then they are freed from it:
          Confin’d to _Newgate_ long, men can’t complain,
          For once a month they’re cleer’d from it and pain;
          In a short time their Bolts wear off, and then
          They may be sure ne’re to come there agen;
          Discharged thence their fettered souls shall be,
          Only an hour confin’d, and then set free.
          _Bridewell_, no wiseman yet did e’re dispraise thee,
          For thou dost feed the poor, correct the lazy;
          The expiration of a little time,
          Forgives offenders, and forgets their Crime.
          Hereafter from the Prison, Heav’n defend me;
          Rather to _Bedlam_, _Newgate_, _Bridewel_, send me;
          For there Wit, Work, or Law doth set men free,
          Nothing but Money here gets liberty._

Having lain here above a week, I sent away a Letter to my Brethren,
informing them of my misfortune, and acquainting them with the sum I was
imprisoned for; which was sent me by them, and brought by one of our
trusty Knights: paying my Debts and Fees, I returned again to them.

                               CHAP. LII.

    _He returns to his Brethren the Knights of the _Road_, whom
        he finds with two or three Gentlemen, strangers; he
        cheats one of them of a very fair and rich Watch._

My Companions took little notice of me at my return, which made me think
there was some design in hand; but according to their usual course, fell
to drink high: observing two or three faces, I tipt a wink to one of my
Brethren, being in another room; I asked him, who they were; he replied,
Gentlemen that were travelling into the _North_; to which he added, We
have been pumping them (ever since we did thrust our selves into their
company) to know what store of Cash they had about them; but we find
little more then will defray their necessary expences on the Road; only,
said he, there is one of them hath a very rich Watch: I bid him return
to his place, and I would warrant him to have it before he stirred. I
came in again to the company, not taking the least cognizance of any,
but shewed much respect and civility to them all, as a stranger; I
purposely askt what it was a clock: one of the Gentlemen, and of my
friends both, pulled forth their Watches, striving who should first give
me satisfaction to my question; after this, they viewed interchangeably
the workmanship of one & the other, both praising the seeming goodness
of each others Watch. At last my friend makes a proposition; Come, Sir,
if you please we will make an exchange upon sentence and repentance. The
stranger desired to understand his meaning: Why, Sir, said he, we will
commit them both into the hands of any one indifferent person, and what
difference he shall judge there is between them, shall be given in money
by him whose Watch is least worth. It was concluded upon; but they could
not agree into whose hands to put them. At last it was mutually agreed
upon between them, that I being a stranger to them both, should be the
decider: I seemingly refused it, but they would not hear me alledge any
arguments to the contrary; whereupon I went out, and immediately causing
my horse to be brought forth, without the least delay I mounted, and
away I rid. My Comrades knew where to meet me at the next stage. The
next morning they found me out, telling me how they all stormed to be so
cheated, to avoid suspition: and now did they all embrace me, promising
to themselves great hopes in me from this adventure.

                              CHAP. LIII.

    _He puts a notable Trick upon a Physician._

Near adjacent to our general randezvous, I was informed of the
habitation of a wealthy Physician, who had shewed himself fortunately
expert in divers Cures, where it seemed that humane art had not
sufficient power to give a remedy. The fame of his great skill, and of
many admirable cures, which to the shame of other Physicians, he had
performed, made him so generally beloved and sought after, that in a
short time he purchased by his sanatory industry, above 500 _l._ _per
annum_, and seldom had less by him then a thousand pound. Thus much I
casually understood from one accidentally, speaking of this his rich
Neighbour: but that which pleased me most was, that (as he said) he
seldom carried less then an 100 pieces of gold about him constantly,
proceeding from a fancy derived from an extream love he bore that Metal.
I could not sleep for contriving a way how I might disembogue this
Urinal of what it contained: sometimes I way-laid him in his return; but
he was so well esteemed of, that he seldom returned home without two or
three Gentlemen to accompany him. At another time I thought to have
pretended some distemper, and so have applied my self to him for Cure;
and imagining that he would privately discourse with me about my Malady,
that then I would present a Pistol to his breast, swearing, that should
be his immediate and unavoidable Executioner, if he did not without the
least noise or resistance, deliver such a quantity of Gold; but this way
I could not approve of, it being accompanied with so much hazard. At
last I thought of this stratagem, which safely produced its effect: One
day after dinner I rid to his house (seemingly) in extream haste, which
he might perceive not only by my own affrighted looks, but by my horse,
which was all of a foam. I askt his servant, with much quickness,
whether Mr. Doctor was within; yes, Sir, (said he) if you please to walk
in, I shall call him to you. I waited some time (for most of that
profession must take some state upon them) and then Mr. Doctor came.
Sir, (said I) the report of your great experience in your happy Practice
hath brought me hither, humbly imploring your assistance, and that
instantly, if you have any respect to the preservation of life: the
trouble I shall put you to, shall be gratefully recompensed to the
utmost of my ability. The Doctor inquired of me, whom it was, and what
manner of distemper the person laboured under. I readily told him, it
was my Wife, who for some continuance of time, had been extreamly
troubled with the flux of her Belly; the more that is applied to it by
us, the more it increaseth; wherefore, our help failing, I beseech you
lend us yours, and favour me so far as to ride with me to her. The
seeming sincerity of my words prevailed upon him, as they would have
done upon the most distrustful. This Doctor (who as I was informed, was
accustomed to be induced more by gain, then fair words) gave me this
desirable answer: Sir, far be it from me that I should refuse to do my
endeavour to any person whatever, much less to a Gentleman of your rank
and quality, in that little skill which I have in the knowledge and
practice of Physick: if I can effect any thing for the good of the good
Gentlewoman your Wife, I will attend you thither with a very good will,
which at any time my charge requireth. Without attending any further
discourse, his horse was made ready, and so we rid away together. As we
rid through a small Wood, leading him the way, I turned my horse about,
and clapt a Pistol to his breast, shewing him withal an empty bag: See
here, Sir, (said I) my Wife, which hath a long time been troubled with a
flux or vomiting, which you please, the last I think more proper; for
she no sooner receives anything for her (and my) sustenance, but she
immediately brings it up again at her mouth. Now Sir, if you do not find
out some means to mitigate this distemper (the cure I shall never
expect, as knowing it impossible) this Pistol shall send you to
_Æsculapius_, to consult with him what is most fit to be administred:
come, Sir, let me advise you, and save your self the trouble of so long
a journey; your gold (an hundred pieces as I am told) are the constant
attending Esquires of your body; I say, that is the best and only
_Recipe_ for a remedy. The Doctor perceiving there was no help, in much
amazement and fear delivered me what gold he had about him, which was
neer upon the sum exprest: there was a rich Diamond-Ring on his finger,
which I desired him likewise to give me, which should serve for a
perpetual _memorandum_ of his kindness to me. I commanded him, as he
tendred his life, to ride back again, without so much as once looking
behinde him; and that if he offered to raise the Country, if I was sure
to die that instant, I would be the death of him first. The Doctor
followed my dictations so exactly, that I never heard more of him.

                               CHAP. LIV.

    _He falls in love with a wealthy Widow, who is poetically
        inclined; he courts her, and in a short time enjoys her,
        and after that ingratefully leaves her, carrying away
        what ready money she had._

Having gained so much money by my own industry and sole procurement, I
resolved neither to acquaint my Brethren therewith, nor associate my
self any longer with them, being so encouraged by this success, that I
concluded I might atchieve gallant things by my self: being belated one
night, & some miles from any town, I knockt at an house that stood in my
road, imagining it at first a publick house for entertainment; one of
the servants coming to the door, I found it no such thing: she demanded
my business: Prithee sweet heart (said I) acquaint your Master, that
there is a Gentleman requests the civility of a nights lodging: she goes
in and informs her Mistress what I said; who came to me with much
respect, telling me, She questioned not but I was a Gentleman, and
therefore should be welcome to the mean accommodation she was capable of
shewing. I rendred her many thanks, and so alighted; strict order was
given to the Groom, that he very carefully lookt after my horse: this
being done, I was conducted into a very fair room; there did I make my
apology in the best Rhetorick I had, for I perceived she was endued with
ingenuity, by the quaintness of her expressions; _Ex pede Herculem_:
Many things I forged, as that the ways being dangerous, I was fearful to
adventure any farther, having a great charge upon me. Such was her
urbanity, that laying aside all niceties, she bore me company till it
was time to go to bed, entertaining me all this while with what the
house afforded, which was beyond my expectation. Every glass of wine, or
bit almost, that I committed to my mouth, she ushered thither with some
Apothegm or other: the whole series, indeed, of her discourse, was
composed of nothing but reason or wit, which made me admire her; which
she easily understood, I perceived by her smiles, when she observed me
gaping, as it were, when she spoke, as if I would have eaten up her
Words. As her soul was beautiful, sparkling with celestial ornaments, so
was the caskanet that contained it very fair, and enricht with Natures
chiefest gifts: She was very clear skin’d, well bodied; a sharp piercing
eye, a proportionable face, an exceeding small and white hand; and then
she lispt a little, which became her so well, that methought it added a
grace to the rest of her internal and external qualifications. Being
about ten o’clock, she advised me to repose my self, supposing I was
weary. I condescended, though with much regret to leave her so soon; but
good manners would not permit me to do otherwise. She conducted me to my
Chamber, where bidding me good night, she betook her self to her own
Chamber. That night I could hardly sleep, not so much for pure love, as
the heat of lust; next morning, very early, I heard her stirring, which
made me wonder; but she told me afterwards, that she got up so soon,
fearing I should have gone away, and she not take her leave of me. About
eight in the morning, the Maid brought me up a Sack-posset; and a little
after, her Mistress came, courteously saluting me, and enquiring how I
slept: I return’d an answer, in as handsom terms I could utter: her eyes
plainly discovered to mine, that she had more then a common respect for
me. Having left me a while, I arose, and made my self ready for my
journey: after several discourses which she had ingaged me in, purposely
to delay time, with much gratitude I took my leave, she attending me to
the court: my horse being brought out, halted down-right (she had caused
him to be prickt in the foot, to the intent I might stay longer.) Not
knowing what to say or do, Well, Sir, said she, since the unhappy
accident hath fallen out so unexpectedly, make use of my house, & what
is in it, till your horse be recover’d of his lameness. This was a
proposition that my soul longed for; wherefore I could not but shew much
satisfaction in the acceptation of this proffer. We walkt in again, &
prosecuted for diversion sake our former discourse, interlining it with
some love-touches at a distance, which she would frequently descant on
pleasantly. We in this short time became intimately acquainted; which
need not be much wondred at, considering the greatness of sympathy
between us; so that now the conquest of her appeared not any ways
difficult. Having talkt ourselves weary, Come, said she in a very
familiar manner, I will shew you the product of some idle hours; and
with that brought me several Epitaphs, Elegies, Anagrams, Anacrosticks,
Epigrams, _&c._ of her own composition, too many here to relate; but for
their wit, deserved to have each line characterized in gold; some I
would here insert, were not the radiant lustre of her conceits so great
and glorious, that they would absolutely extinguish the dim-sightedness
of my fancy. Having viewed them, I could not but applaud them, as their
due merit; and I was glad I had this happy occasion to vent my own
thoughts, which I tacitly insinuated in these lines, reflecting on her
from what I had read.

            _Sisters thrice three I’ve read of, and no more,
            Till your quick wit compleated half a Score:
            Since you are one, let me perswade you then,
            Be kind to me, for they are kind to men.
            Dearest, be like them, they are soft and blithe;
            Let who will love the nine, give me the tithe._

These lines so powerfully wrought upon her, that she could not forbear
to tell me, that she was much obliged to me for what I had writ. You
cannot Madam, said I, cancel your obligation, till you have made some
recompence: with that, said she smilingly, What will content you? The
continuance of your favour Madam, is the utmost ambition of my desires.
You have it Sir; neither can I deny any deserving man a thing so
inconsiderable. By your favour Madam, love I mean. I never was so
uncharitable, said she, to be out of love with any. I was glad to hear
her reply so merrily: for a fort which so capitulateth, is half
surrendered. Since I had broke the ice, I was resolved to prosecute my
design; wherefore in plain English I told her, that I loved her from the
first interview, so ardently, that my constancy should prove the reality
of my affection: she desired me to leave that to the test of time; that
should she believe me suddenly before she had made tryal, she should not
only loose the good estimation she had gained by the prudent and
discreet management of her affairs, every one accusing her for too much
credulity, but thereby it may be involve her self in a Labyrinth of all
manner of troubles. Tryal, said I, you shall have: and knowing the
manner of courting a widow, a tryal I gave her, knowing that Parleys
operate little on a widow, and there is nothing sooner gains a conquest
then a storm or a resolute assault. This action made her so firmly mine,
that I durst not speak of leaving; which when I did at any time, her
Soul was ready to leave its ancient habitation to attend on me. Some two
months we spent in all manner of self-pleasing delights, till at last I
begun to be tyred with her too frequent invitations; the more I
endeavoured to satisfie her, the further I was from it. Not only by her,
but by others, this experiment I found, that the oftner I treated them,
the more eagerly and earnestly they desired it. Being now incapacitated
to hold out in this manner longer, I thought it high time to be gone,
but not without sufficient recompence for my service. She daily
sollicited me to marry her, which I promised her from time to time,
waiting an opportunity when I might become master of her treasure. One
day in a frollick, and the more to encourage me to make a speedy
consummation of our loves by marriage, she shewed me all her writings
which concerned her estate (by which I found her to be so wealthy a
fortune, that I often times curst my unhappy stars, that they had thus
debar’d me from the complement of so great a bliss.) After this, she
shews me a trunk wherein was contained her cash: then taking me about
the neck with such fervency of affection, that I thought she would have
strangled me, & with the repetition of kisses, she smiling, askt me,
whether these things satisfied me or not. I told her they did, but they
were not to stand in competition with her most affected self: with that
she gave me the keys of that trunk wherein her money was, and in
retaliation, I vowed to marry her in four days. In the mean time I
studied how I might be gone, but could not contrive a way, she not
induring me to be out of her sight. In fine, I feigned some
indisposition of body, and that I would ride two or three miles for the
benefit of the fresh air, and return: with much willingness she
consented. Just as I was about to take horse (having furnished my self
with as much mony as I could well carry without discovery) she wept
bitterly (as having I think a prophetick Spirit.) I ask’d her the cause
of her discontent: all bathed in tears, she answered me with a deep
sigh, I shall never see you more: Hard-hearted man: can you thus leave a
woman that loves you thus dearly, nay, that dotes on you? I made many
protestations to the contrary; which were not believed. Seeing that I
could not prevail on her belief, I bad her farewell, setting spurs to my
horse, and was out of sight in an instant. I could not but condemn my
self extreamly for this inhumane action: but considering that there is
no slavery greater then that of the smock, I soothed my self up in mine
own unworthiness; passing by a little Ale-house, I called in, and over a
pot of Ale I composed these ensuing lines, which I sent to her by a
messenger I procured in the house, directed thus:

    _Deliver these to the fair hands of _Mrs. Pulcheria Tickleman_,
    at her dwelling-house, near _Redding_._

The Contents were these, or to this purpose.

            _A Poetess you are, and Prophet too,
            Thus to divine I’m gone from you
            Eternally. ’Tis true: D’ye think that I can eat,
            Though ne’re so choice, always one sort of meat?
            No faith; I’d rather wear a Porters frock,
            Then to be shrowded in one womans smock.
            You say you are with child; Pish, don’t complain,
            ’Tis but the product of your fruitful brain:
            Y’are only big with fancy, which may prove
            A witty Brat, like _Pallas_ sprung from _Jove_.
            And have you then conceiv’d? How can I chuse
            But write _Encomiums_ on my fertile Muse?
            Mind not the Father, nor his Brat, for it
            Will like the Father live (no doubt) by wit:
            Let _Pegasus_ be Godfather, the crew
            Of the nine Muses, Gossips; so adieu._

I desired no answer, therefore stayed not till the return of the
messenger, but rid that night to _Maidenhead_.

                               CHAP. LV.

    _He comes up to _London_, sends to a particular friend whom
        he could confide in, to come to him, and requests him to
        compound with his Creditors, which he did in a short
        time; and in a short time after, he attempts the robbing
        of an house, but is taken and clapt up in _Newgate_: The
        miseries of an imprisoned estate, with the manner of his
        escape out of that Prison._

The next day I rode towards _London_, and about twylight took up my
quarters in the Suburbs the day following, I sent for a friend whom I
could put confidence in, who came immediately upon the reception of my
Letter. I communicated to him my intentions, who was very glad to hear
of my resolution; yet I would not acquaint him how strong I was, nor by
what means procured: ’twas enough that I gave him commission how far
forth he should proceed, and no farther, which was half a Crown _per_
pound. He went (after I had given him a list of them all) to every one
particularly, and treated with them so cunningly, and they despairing of
ever recovering a farthing, condescended to his proposals; whereupon he
gets them all to subscribe, and then brings the Paper to me, which I
exceedingly well liked of. According to the day appointed, he carried
them the Money, which every one received proportionably, each man
respectively giving me his general release from the beginning of the
world: they to whom I had confest Judgements, filed according to Law
their discharges. But when my Creditors a little while afterward, saw me
walk the streets in so splendid a garb, some of them were ready to die
with anguish: but that which troubled them most, was my supercilious
looks when I met any of them, and my slighting salutations. What I did
in this respect, was only to have the freedome of walking the streets,
without the molestation of chargeable arrests. I kept such beboist
company, that the remaining part of my money grew low, and in a very
short time after, was all spent. All my drunken Companions failed me,
and I having nothing left me but my cloaths, necessity made me to
condescend to the enquiry after the kind-natured Gentlewoman my Wife:
her nearest relations could not give me any account of her, giving her
over for lost. I wandred up and down, imploying all the powers of my wit
and invention, in the search of what might conduce to supply my present
necessities. While I was thus hammering out some new design on the Anvil
of experience, I bethought my self where probably I might find my Wife:
First, I went to _Ratcliff_ high-way, and made enquiry of _Dammaris_,
&c. the Metropolitan Bawd of those parts, for a Gentlewoman of such a
complexion, stature, and age, (’twas but a folly to mention her name,
for those that follow that trade change their names as often as they do
their places of abode) but that cart-load of flesh could give me no
information, neither was it possible for me to have staid to hear it,
she so stunk of Strong-waters, stronger then that Cask that never
contained any thing else; I went down all along to the Cross, in my way
I saw many Whores standing at their doors, giving me invitation; but
being poor, they could not afford the charge of _Fucus_, so that their
faces lookt much like a piece of rumbled Parchment, and by their
continual traffick with Seamens Breeches, I could not come near them,
they smelt so strongly of Tarpawlin and stinking Cod; yet still no
tidings of her I sought for. From hence I went to _Fleet-yard_, but
there they were so dawbed or plaistered with paint, & botcht with
patches, that had I seen her there, it was impossible for me to have
known her. Away I went to _Luteners-lane_, _Sodom_, and _Dog_ and
_Bitch-yard_; but the Pox, it seemed, had not yet fitted her for those
places. From hence I went to _Whetstons-Park_, where I saw my Mad-dame
standing at the door: her frequent trading, and those many shots she had
received between wind and water in the service, had so altered her
countenance, and disproportioned her body, that I knew not whether this
Frigate was English or Flemish built: but at last, hailing whence she
was, I boarded her, and made her lawful prize: mistake me not, I
rummag’d not in her Hold, fearing she was a Fire-ship. The sight and
knowledge of me, made her shed some Babylonish tears, which I took
little notice of, knowing them to be either customary to that Sex, or
the effects of a moist brain. In we went together, where we had,
according to the custom of the house, Pint-black-pots of small Ale for
two pence, and quarterns of Strong-water half fill’d for six pence, with
Biskets; which as soon as brought, every one broken, though not a bit
afterwards eaten. We must be smoaking too, though the Pipe must be
thrown down carelesly, and often broken as soon as put to the lips: one
of the Plyers being gone down to draw some more drink, she begged me to
conceal my self for the present, and comply also with the cheating
customs of the house, and she would willingly pay all. I had hardly
smoakt two whiffs more, but that a fellow came where we were, swearing
_dam-me_, why do you stay with this fellow, and leave me thus, you
unconstant Quean? have I spent my estate on you, and must you now grow
weary of me? and with that drew his knife, making a proffer to cut her
nose off. I was so amazed at what I heard, and so irritated by passion,
that I knew not which of them to be revenged on first. Sir, said I, I
have been longer acquainted with her then you, and may justly claim a
better title and more priviledge; but as you have affronted me, so I
shall require satisfaction instantly, not referring our difference to be
decided by the field, an Umpire that Cowards frequently make choice of:
so drawing my knife also, and seizing on his nose, which I intended to
have divorc’d from his face, I was prevented, for it dropt off into my
hand. This accident so astonisht me, and withal being much affrighted at
the sight of his Deaths-head, I durst not meddle with him any further,
lest handling any Member, it would have dropt off in the same manner: he
made a blow at me, but instead of striking me, I expected when his fist
would have flown from his body into my face: he kickt at me, but that
leg being up, the other was incapable of supporting his body, and so he
fell down. The old Bawd hearing this disturbance, ran to us as fast as
the vast bulk of her body would give her leave, whose pace was not much
swifter then a snail in his full career, who having fasted too long, by
the constant repercussion of the Sun-beams on him in a misling morning,
forrageth a garden for pillage. From the place whence she started, to
that where we scuffled, was about six yards distance; and from the time
of her setting forward, to the time she came to us (not to belye the
woman) was about half an hour, and then too, out of breath, for the
haste she made. Sirrah, sirrah, said she, come you hither to breed
quarrels, and abuse civil Gentlemen, and it may be build a sconce too?
get you out of my house, you Rascal, or I’ll scald you out. By this time
the Pimp came to their assistance, and so they all conjoyned to shove
this poor fellow out of doors: and notwithstanding he had for two or
three years frequented the house, yet they neither pittied nor relieved
him as a maimed souldier, the marks whereof were a sufficient testimony,
besides the loss of a Member or two. Having discharged my reckoning, my
Wife appointed me a place where I should meet her. Having now
conveniency and privacy of discourse, we wav’d every thing that tended
not to my present design, which was the contrivance of some way to live.
At last we resolved to take an house and live together; I thought it was
as good to be Pimp to my own Wife, by which means the major part of the
gain would be mine, as Pimp to another for 12 pence a day and spunging.
What we had determined, we soon put in execution: what money she had was
laid out in utensils belonging to our Trade, as for bedding, linnen,
chairs and stools, &c. The Tally-man or Broker, who sells his goods to
be paid by 12 _d._ a pound _per_ week: the truth of it is, we found of
him, but more especially his servants, excellent customers; for they
would for a private favour, cut off a score, sometimes two or three from
the Tally. Our stock being but small, my Wife was forced to be both Bawd
and Whore; but our trade increasing, she goes frequently to the
Carriers, where at last she had pickt up a couple of very well-featured
Country-girls, and brings them home, entertaining them as servants; but
shewing as much kindness to them, as if they had been our nearest
kindred, purposely to induce them to stay: The Whore, my Wife, intended
to have sold their Maiden-heads at a dear rate; but in truth, I ever
lov’d such things too well to put them to sale, having them in my
possession. To be sure thereof, I gathered my Rose-buds the first night,
lest the infectious and contagious breath of some one _Suburbicarian_
should blast them: in four days time afterwards, I fitted them for their
occupations, leaving the instructive part thereof to my Wife to season
them withal. I never saw two young Jades understand their trade sooner
in my life; for in a Months time they could Cant indifferently, Wheedle
most cunningly, Lye confoundedly, Swear desperately, pick a Pocket
dexterously, Dissemble undiscernably, drink and smoak everlastingly,
Whore insatiately, and brazen out all their actions impudently. Now did
I begin to renew my acquaintance with the Tribe of Rogues, with whom I
grew so intimate, that I was seldom out of their company, either at home
or abroad. To relate all the tricks & rogueries we committed in one half
year, were an half years work: therefore to be short, we were grown so
notorious, and so generally taken notice of, that at last my Wife, and
her two Maids of dishonour, were apprehended by the Marshals men, and
carried to _Bridewel_; I my self narrowly escaping by flight: The next
day I boldly went to visit them; methought their beating of hemp became
them excellent well; and in troth I’ll say this for them, there hath not
been seen in that place a more serviceable strong-dockt Crew for many
years. Looking very earnestly upon that Hemp my Wife was beating, a deep
fit of Melancholy seized me, proceeding only from my imagination; for I
fancied that very Hemp would make that very Rope which should put a
period to my life. The time of my visiting them, fell out on the day of
their correction; understanding so much, I resolved to stay and see them
well lasht, I hop’d: My Wife being manacled, and the whip ready to
encircle her Waste; Hold, said I, and then directing my self to the
Masters of _Bridewell_; May it please your Worships, this woman now
under correction, is the most impudent brazen-fac’d Whore in the whole
Town; I have known her a long time, ever since, and some small time
before she undid her Husband, a very honest man indeed, and had the good
report of all his Neighbours; but this confident Slut could not then be
content without her Stallion, whom she maintained by what she purloin’d
from her Husband, and so utterly ruined him: since she hath been the
destruction of several, some in their estates, others in their bodily
health, and now so far from being penitent, that she glories in nothing
more, then in the relation of how many she hath undone here and
hereafter: wherefore I beseech your Worships, for my friend’s sake, that
good honest man, and for the good of her own soul, add one half-dozen
stripes to the number intended, and let them be laid home. I had no
sooner ended my speech, but I vanisht immediately. Just as I was out of
the gate, I met with two of my roguing friends, whom the Devil had sent,
I think, to way-lay me: they were going, it seems, to see some of their
Doxies, that had that day been committed. Being over-joy’d to meet me so
accidentally, they would needs have me go to the Tavern with them: over
a glass of wine we consulted about divers matters, no goodness to be
sure; the result whereof was, that I should go to such an house, and try
if by any means I could get into it unperceived, and abscond my self in
order to my opening the door for them about twelve a clock. According to
the time nominated I went, and with much facility conveyed my self into
a lower room, wherein there was a bed, under which I crept, being
confident I might lie there securely, till all the houshold were retired
to take their rest. After I had lain about some two hours on the ground,
there came into this room a servant; I peept out, and by the light of
his candle, saw that which I thought would have distracted me with fear;
it was the laying the cloth, by which I understood, the Master of the
house intended to sup there: suddenly after, meat was brought in and
served to the Table; then came five or six persons, who passing divers
complements (all which needless ceremonies at that time, I wisht with
their inventers were stark naked upon the top of the Snowy Alps) every
one took seats. Had not there been at that time some small pratling
children running up and down, and making a noise, the affright their
appearance had put me in, would have betrayed me; for my knees knockt so
hard one against the other, that they made a noise like a Mill-clack, or
the striking of two marrow-bones together: for my life I could not
prevent the Palsie from seizing every limb of me. My cruel fates had so
ordered it, that there was a small Dog in the room, and a Cat, both
dearly beloved by their Mistress; who would be continually flinging down
something or other, which they continually quarrelled about, as jealous
and envious upon the distribution of their Mistress favours: at length
she threw down a small bit; the Cat being somewhat a more nimble
servitor, and diligent waiter than the Dog, took it, & ran with it
underneath the Bed; the Dog ran after the Cat snarling, endeavouring to
affright her, that she might forsake the purchase: The Dog approaching
near, and too much intrenching upon her right, she puts him in mind of
his duty, by one scratch with her Claw, and chastiseth him for his
rashness with two or three more: this so angred him, that he made a
furious assault upon Puss, who defended her self as well as she could;
but at length they closed, and grappling each other, they made a most
hideous noise. The spot in which they fought this combat, was underneath
the bed upon my buttocks: The servant that attended being over-hasty to
quell the noise, by parting the fray, snatched up the fire-shovel, and
throws it underneath the bed; had it hit my nose with the edge, as it
did my breech with the handle, I should have had it pared off even with
my face. The Cat instantly provides for her safety by flight, but the
Dog still remained behind grumbling, and now and then barking with such
eagerness, that he became very offensive to the whole company. Wherefore
the servant was commanded to drag him forth, which he did, beating him,
and throwing him out of doors: in the mean time I was left in such a
condition, as if I had been breathing my last. As soon as the door was
open’d, the Dog came in underneath the bed with more fury than before:
this second alarm did my business (or as they vulgarly say, made me do
my business) for running fiercely on me, he had bit me by the nose, but
that I snatcht away my head from him: but not observing the bed-post
behind, I thought I had dashed my brains out against it; fear also
having bereft me of my retentive faculty, I did let flie at one and the
same time, which made so strange a noise together, that they all rose
from the table to see what was the matter: their noses quickly informed
them of some part, for the room was presently strongly scented; looking
underneath the bed, they could see poor _Jain Perus_ giving up the Ghost
(as dying persons usually evacuate their ordure before their departure)
they pulling me forth, and quickly revived me, they roughly handled me,
and then beat me, till I was ene dead again. Being taken in the present
offence, I could expect no other but to be subject to the rigour of
their vengeance; I could make no plea sufficient to stay their fury, or
satisfie their revenge; having fetcht a Constable, I was carried before
a Justice of Peace, who with little examination caused my _Mittimus_ to
be drawn, and so I was sent to _Newgate_. I was no sooner within, and
under lock and key, but fetters confined my legs from stragling, and
bracelets were clapt upon my arms. The Rogues came all flocking about me
for their Garnish, which I gave them: some of the gentiler sort added
more to it, so that we had abundance of drink. But never did I hear so
confused a din of _Dam-me_ and _Sink-me_: others singing so loud
(_alias_ roaring) that I thought my self in _Hell_, and that these were
damned souls that roared through extremity of torments. I thought none
had been so wicked as my self, till I came among these _Hell-hounds_.
Not a word come from any of their mouths, but what was seconded with an
Oath, cursing their bad Stars, and Blaspheming. The Misery of this, or
any other prison is sufficiently represented, if by nothing else than
want of liberty, that rich inheritance of living souls: as it is the
greatest of injoyments, next that imperial Gem of health, so the want
thereof next to sickness must needs be of all other the most bitter.
Since then to be confined to the confines of a Gaol, is to be in part
unman’d, entomb’d alive, what and how great is that wretchedness that is
occasioned not only by a want of liberty, but by a continual dread of
shameful death! The terror of this place full of torture is so
exasperated by the imagination of a noble mind, that Hell it self cannot
contain more exquisite woes and pains, a continuance whereof were
sufficient to punish all offences, if the Law dispenced with that debt
due to Justice, the life of the offender. Your companions are none but
licentious wretches, souls which daily surround you with their loathsome
persons overspread with scabs and lice. Here sighing is our air, our
comfort coldness, our food despair, our musick ratling of chains, our
recreation the destruction of vermin; lastly, our expectation death and
damnation. The keeper with the grim aspect of his stern countenance
makes us tremble, with fear of a new martyrdom, whilst the insulting
raskal on the tip-toes of his pride need not skrew his ill-favoured face
to a frown, for he knows not how to look otherwise; which so dejects the
spirits of we poor imprisoned slaves, that the contrition of our looks
seems to implore his smiles, whose flinty heart having renounced
remorse, casts a defiance in our sad and pitious faces. I might insist
much further, but that I am hastning to get out of the miserable and
soul-excruciating prison. One day after I had exonerated nature, I
chanc’d to view the seat, and found that it was no difficult matter to
go down the vault by the help of a Rope. A trusty friend coming to see
me, I told him what I had observed, and what I wanted: some three days
before the Sessions, he brought me Rope enough to have hanged us all.
Having a respect unto two more, which I honoured for their admirable
good parts, I informed them of what I intended; which presently we put
in execution. First I went down, but I could have wished my self up
again; for I was up to the neck, and knew not but I might be deeper, but
to my great comfort I found to the contrary; the rest descended after
me, with the like good success. Having gotten us to an house, in which
we could put confidence, we quickly freed our selves from our Iron

                               CHAP. LVI.

    _He and his two Comrades (which he had delivered) disguise
        themselves, and having been old experienced Gamesters,
        they taught him all the tricks on Cards, by which they
        usually cheated their Cullies or Mouths; and also how to
        nap, palm, or Top a Dye; With all things thereunto

We had places enough to send to for change of apparel, as rich as we
pleased, or as beggerly again on the contrary, according as our design
required. Having layen in _Lavender_ about a fortnight in this house,
not only to sweeten us, but that the rumour of our escape, and search
for us might be over, we got our selves change of habits: Then did we
all consult with our Looking-glasses for the change of our faces, not
suffering our own judgements to pass, without the approbation of the
rest. In the first place I got me a coal-black Perriwig (my own hair
being flaxen) and a small false beard suitable, with whiskers in the
_Spanish_ fashion; It was no great trouble to black my eye-brows every
morning; then clapping a patch on my left eye, stealing out of the room,
while my Companions were busied about the same thing, not minding me,
and coming in again presently, my appearance did put them all into a
very strange confusion. I changed my voice, and asked them what they
were doing; and speaking to them in a tone they were not acquainted
with, their chops mov’d incessantly, but the Devil a word I could
understand; they had got a palsie in their jaws by their sudden
surprizal; To have observed the several Monkey-faces, and
Baboon-postures, could not but extract laughter from the severest
Cynick. Why don’t you answer me, and that quickly, ye sneaking dumb
Rascals? Looking most piteously one upon the other, expecting who should
speak first, at last said one, We mean no harm, we are only preparing
some things for a Mask, which shortly will be presented to the Citizens,
and we are persons therein concerned. I could not hold longer, but burst
forth into an excessive laughter, by which they understood their
mistake, not without shame enough, to think that the apprehension of
danger so slightly grounded, should so terrifie them, being struck dumb,
and almost dead with a pannick fear. To be brief, we very well liked the
manner of our Metamorphosis; and having borrowed some money as the
necessary tools of our intended Trade, we adventured abroad. The first
mouth we pickt up was in the _Long-walk_ by _Christ-Church_, upon the
account of a wager: there came towards us a young man, who by his garb
seemed to be a Merchants man, (he afterwards proved so, and his Casheer)
I stept to him and said, Sir, if it may not be too troublesome to you, I
beseech you resolve me one question: This Gentleman hath laid an Angel
with me, and referr’d the decision thereof to the next that came this
way, whether this next adjacent Hospital be S. _Thomas_’s, or S.
_Bartholomew_’s. Said the young man, I can assure you it is S.
_Bartholomews_. Why then friend (said I) you have lost. Sir, will you be
pleased (if it may not be any great hindrance to your present affairs)
accompany us to the next Tavern, and participate of the losings? for I
scorn to pocket it. He condescended, and so we went together; we
discovered not any thing till the sixth pint, and then my friend, as by
chance, found a pair of Cards in a corner of the window, which he
himself had layed there before. Here is a pair of Cards (said he) come,
to pass away the time, let us play for a pint or so; so I really took up
my friend: _Putt_ was the game; I won of him two or three pints, and
ever and anon I would drink to the stranger, so that now he began to be
warm’d, and seemed to take delight in our play, looking over my hand,
and sometimes prompting me to see him when he did _putt_ to me. At last
my friend played the High Game, as the term of Art renders it; that is,
he gave me two Trays and an Ace, and reserved for himself two Trays and
a Duce. My Antagonist puts to me: I pretended I knew not what to do,
shewed my game to the stranger that looked over my shoulder: he jogs me
on the Elbow; I still delayed; come Sir (said my opponent) what will you
do? I will hold you five pound on these very cards in my hand. I
receiv’d the second jog; will you go my halfs Sir, said I? He answered
me, that he would. But alas, we lost: it could be no otherwise. This so
animated the stranger, that he perswaded me to play again, and that he
would go the moyety of every stake. Sometimes ’twas so ordered that I
won; but in fine I lost forty pound, my Cully being half. He would now
give over, being much perplex’d that he should thus lose his Masters
mony; but that he might forget the condition he was in, we drank round
some half a dozen healths: So that now I thought it high time to provoke
him again to let down his milk by some new trick or stratagem.

Now did we fall to the _Preaching of the Parson_, a trick on the Cards,
which hath deceived the most curious eye, and the wariest of men; with
which we gained from our young Merchant, the major part of his money.

Lastly, to the intent we might without any further delays give him an
acquittance for the rest of his money, we drew out some other
implements, _viz._ Dice fixt for our purpose, as _High-fullums_, which
seldom run any other chance then four, five, and six; _Low-fullums_,
which run one, two, and three, &c.

By these means we sent him home penniless and heartless, whilst we drank
healths to the confusion of sorrow.

                              CHAP. LVII.

    _From hence he goes, by the direction of his comrades, to a
        new fashion _Bawdy-house_; he describes it, and relates
        his own success._

Upon the division we found each mans share to amount to 40 _l._ a piece.
Being overjoy’d at our first good success, we resolv’d to return thanks
for our good fortunes in some private Meeting-house, where we might have
a Sister to assist in the carrying on the work of the day. The Devil in
all Societies never wants his Factor, or one to sollicit his business:
For, I had no sooner intimated my desires, but presently one of my
Rope-brokers gave me information of a place fit for that purpose, and
that the like was not any where to be found. Being prickt on with the
desire of novelty, and to understand the curiosities therein, I went
according to my directions solely; for company in such designs commonly
frustrates expectations. They advised me when I came to the door, to
pretend I came to enquire out lodgings: At the first, I verily thought
my self abused by these Rogues, or mistaken in the house, when I saw a
Porter standing at the door with his tipt-staff: To undeceive my self, I
confidently, yet civilly askt him, whether there were any Lodgings to be
let there? Yes Sir, (said he) which you may view if you will give your
self the trouble of walking in. I had no sooner entred the door, but I
was met by a grave Matron, who readily understood (as I conceived) my
approach, by her sentinels above in the windows. Madam (said I) I am
informed, that here are lodgings to be let. There is so, Sir, (said she)
and with that conducted me into her Parlor (which was gallantly
furnished) there to take a stricter view of me, as to my person, but
more especially my garb, by which she might partly judge how well lined
my pockets were. After the resolution of some trivial questions, for
discourse sake, she was so well satisfied in me, that she shewed me the
way up one pair of stairs, into a very large and fair Dining-room hung
with rich Tapistry, and adorned round with excellent Pictures, the
Effigies of divers Ladies (as I took them to be) renowned and celebrated
in all ages, for the fairest and most beautiful of that Sex. A servant
brought us up immediately after our entry into that room, a bottle of
Sack, without any order given, as I could perceive; out of which the old
Gentlewoman drank to me, expressing my welcome. For want of other
discourse (as I thought) because we were both silent a while, for I was
contemplating her face, in which I could then see still the goodly
ruines of a beautiful and handsome countenance; Sir, said she, as you
are a Gentleman, you may have some knowledge in that noble Art of
Limning, since for its excellency it is in these our days (and hath been
in most ages) much studied by the Gentry of this Nation; wherefore, your
judgement, Sir, which of all these Pictures is the best drawn, or
according to the rules of Physiognomy, hath the best features? Madam,
said I, I shall freely give you my judgement; which is, This, in my
opinion (pointing at one) for she hath a full large front, her archt
eye-brows are thick and black, without any stragling hairs; her eyes are
of the same colour, and by their intuitive faculty seem to penetrate
that which they look on; passing her cheeks, which carry in them an
excellent air, and her nose, which is neither too long nor too short,
view her lips, whose plumpness and redness resemble a double Cherry; and
then for the dimples in her cheeks and chin, I could make them the
subject of an whole days discourse: what might be said more of this
representation, I shall wave, wishing my self no greater happiness, then
to discourse the rest with the real substance; which is not impossible,
Sir, if you can have but the faith to believe your own eyes; and so
instantly thereupon withdrew her self, leaving me amazed at what I had
already seen, my heart the mean time beating an alarm to my passions, to
be all in readiness at the approach of this Celestial Creature. Hearing
a ruffling of Silks, I drew my eyes off the Picture, and looking towards
the door, there I saw enter an Angel; for I could not believe there
could be so much perfection in any one mortal: with profound reverence I
stood at a distance, admiring, or rather adoring her person, till she
smilingly and familiarly desired me to sit down. Being come to my self,
I could talk to her; and in half an hour, confidence had repossest her
ancient seat in me. It will not only take up too much time, but also
offend the ears of the modest Reader, here to insert what discourses we
had; therefore I shall wave them, and come to the conclusion. Sir, said
she, I question not but that you are acquainted with the customs of the
House. I protested to her, I was altogether ignorant. Why, you know that
you may call for what Wine you please, not exceeding four Bottles; and
if you please to eat, you shall have some choice bit suitable to the
season, &c., if you stay not all night, your expence shall be but forty
shillings, and you shall have to boot, the enjoyment of a Mistress
besides: but if you stay all night, then thus must you do (and with that
drew forth ten pieces of Gold) whether you fancy me or any else, that
matters not, you must deposit before you go to bed ten pound, laying it
underneath your own head, and for every kiss, &c., take a piece back
again, and if you draw in this manner all your own stake, you may next
day be dismist with a great deal of applause, without expending a penny,
but what you shall be pleased to distribute voluntarily among the
servants. I was stark mad to be at it, and so impatient, that I
presently told out ten pieces. Telling my money the next morning, I
found I had eight pound of my ten, but I deserved to have had my money
trebled: however, for the present, I thought forty shillings was never
better spent, nor husbanded with so much recreation and delight. By her
I understood what manner of cattel they were that frequented that house,
though prostitutes and free-booters, yet such as scorned a piece of
Country-dirt: some whereof, were persons of no mean quality, which came
thither to satisfie (what was impossible to do) their insatiate lusts,
and therefore enacted that Law or Custom of depositing ten pieces,
meerly to incite such who were confident of themselves to make trial of
their skill for the lucre of gain; and to the intent that it might not
be discovered, either by their Husbands, or such relations or friends
that had received causes of jealousie, they had their peeping-holes,
where they might plainly and fully see such who came upon the like
accounts. If the Gentleman was unknown to that Gentlewoman whose Picture
he elected to bear him company that night, she with much freedom would
appear, and tender her self as the subject of his pleasure; otherwise
abscond her self. If so, and the Gentleman press hard for a sight of her
the Picture represented, why then Madam Bawd finds some excuse or other,
as that Picture she bought casually at second-hand as she past through
_Long-lane_, or that it was the gift of some friend of hers; with many
other fictions, meerly to make him desist from the pursuance of his
desires. Being very much pleased in the satisfaction of my fancy, I took
my leave, not without some acknowledgement thereof, in these consequent

           _What is a _Bawdy-house_? I fain would know:
           It is a thing appears so by the show.
           Is that a _Brothel_, or an house of State,
           Where Tip-staff Porters do attend the gate?
           Then there are many noble ones I see,
           And Palaces may Courts of Bawa’ry be:
           This was a stately house, and yet was such;
           In stately houses Ladies take a touch.
           It must be so, th’ have little else to do,
           Then study how to answer those that woo.
           Such pamper’d flesh must yield, and few gain-says
           Their own lusts motions, but with formal nays;
           Rather then want that satisfaction, most
           Stick not to purchase it, though at the cost
           Of health and wealth; delighting thus in sence,
           They never think too much the recompence.
           Why should they then fond souls rail at an Whore,
           Since they themselves are on that very score?
           And damn all _Brothels_ too to Hell; but stay
           What house is not a _Brothel-house_ I pray?
           Many I’ve seen, with this none can compare;
           A new Exchange where Ladies sell their Ware
           To none; they scorn thereon to set a price,
           But leave it solely to the Chapman’s choice:
           No Sale-shop, but a Game at _In_ and _In_;
           Throw _In_ and _In_ but ten times, and you win.
           Here by a female Council ’twas judg’d fit,
           He that reaps pleasure here, must pay for it;
           Not with his purse, so much as brawny back,
           Solely affecting such who hold them tack:
           And to provoke men on, no want of wine;
           Nay, all delights do here in one combine
           To raise mens fancy, that he may do o’re
           That thing he did but even then before.
           Her rosie dimpled cheeks, vermilion lips,
           Did blush to see her ivory thighs and hips:
           Her round soft belly swelled with pride below
           Like a small Hill ’twas overspread with snow:
           Let a warm hand but touch it, and it will
           Its moisture into pearly drops distill;
           We kist and parted, I sigh’d, she did sob;
           She for her lusty _Lad_, I for my _Mob_._

                              CHAP. LVIII.

    _He finds out his two Comerades (the _Gamesters_) and after
        some consultation had, they resolved to re-assume their
        _quondam_ trade of _Padding_; are taken, and committed
        to _Newgate_._

From this house of pleasure, (where I must ingenuously confess I never
received more for so little expence) I went in search of my two
Gamesters, whom casually I met: The next Tavern was our Council-chamber,
where Wine was the dictator. We there unanimously concluded, it was a
thing beneath us to pick up here and there Crowns or Angels but resolved
on Have at all, knowing that a five hours adventure might make us
possessors of 500 _l._ With this resolution we went and bought us
horses, with all things requisite for our intended expedition: being all
ready and well prepared, we took our leaves of _London_ for a while; we
had not rid above fifteen miles, but we baited: the Hostler knowing me,
and what designs I had formerly been upon, and imagining I was steering
the same course, whispered me in the ear, that he had a desire to speak
with me instantly: taking my opportunity, under the pretence of looking
to my horse, he informed me, that there were three within drinking, that
on the next morning would travel such a Road, and that they had a great
charge with them. I thankt him, bidding him come to my chamber at night,
where I would discourse farther with him. Then he gave me a summary
account of all; and after a smart drinking bout, with promises to him of
reward if we prospered, we betook our selves to our rest: in the morning
very early we called for our horses, and rid in that very Road through
which those three Travellers were to pass, where we planted our selves
very conveniently: about three hours after, we could discern them at a
distance: by that time we had made our selves ready, they were at hand:
just at the bottom of a small hill we bid them stand; they askt us to
what intent: We told them, that we were younger Brothers, and wanted
mony, and therefore must borrow some of them. With that, they all in an
instant drew their swords; being not unprovided with Pocket-pistols, we
fired at them, and they again at us: we were all at level-coyl, and very
equally matcht; the second shot killed my horse, and a fourth bereaved
my Consort of life; the third Rogue ran away: being in a labyrinth of
perplexity, I thought it the best way to sell my life at as dear a rate
as I could (knowing very well that if I were taken I should be hanged.)
I fought with my sword as long as I could stand upon my legs, wounding
both them and their horses; but at last one unhappily ran me through the
sword-hand, and thereupon I was disarmed. I was carried by them before
the next Justice of Peace, whom they enquired out, and by a _Mittimus_
was committed. I could not now expect any thing but death: but the next
news I heard was, that I must be removed to _Newgate_, there being other
things to be alleadged to my charge. I was mounted again, in order to my
removal, but very ill hors’d, being bound thereunto and pinnion’d, my
greatest grief (when I came into _London_-streets) was to hear the
various discants of the good women on me; some saying, What a pity it is
such an handsome young man should come to the gallows so soon? Others
judged I had deserved it, otherwise I should not have rid to Town in
that posture pinnion’d, and so attended with a guard. As soon as the
keeper saw me, leaping for joy, O Sir, are you come again? we will take
care that you shall not be any more annoyed with smells proceeding from
the Vault; and so without more ado, laid as much iron on me, as there is
in some Smiths shops, and confined me close Prisoner to the Dungeon.

          _Which made me curse those acts the Fates have done,
          To cause a setting ere a rising Sun:
          But since my doom is now decreed by Fate,
          I must indur’t, repentance is too late._

                               CHAP. LIX.

    _He much condemns the follies of his past actions, and in
        token of his unfeigned repentance, gives some general
        instructions to his Country-men, first how to know
        Padders on the _Road_, by infallible signs; with other
        remarques worthy the observation of any Traveller, laid
        down in some consequent Chapters._

Being in this terrestrial Hell, (where darkness, horror and despair
surrounded me) my conscience started out of her dead sleep, and
presently demanded of me a severe account of what I had done. My guilt
was such, I had not a word to speak for my self, but wished my
production (as my actions were) inhumane. What did not then the
apprehension of an approaching and unavoidable death, suggest to my
thoughts! to have only dyed (though with the most exquisite, terrifying,
and soul-excruciating tortures) was not a thing the spirit of man should
shrink at; but the consideration of an eternal punishment hereafter,
justly inflicted on such who have offended an infinite God, absolutely
distracted me: So that methought I already heard the howls and hollow
grones of damned Souls, which add to the weight of their everlasting
misery. Having somewhat appeased my enraged conscience, by a faithful
promise and constant resolution to lead a new life, if I should escape
the danger of the Law, I determined with my self, to shew the first
Fruits of my reformation, by publishing something to the world, that
might serve as a guide for Travellers, how they might passe in safety on
their way. To that purpose I acquainted my Keeper with my good
intentions; but that being no particular profit to him, he valued not
the publick, and therefore rejected my good motion, till I greas’d his
fist, and then I had the accommodation of a Candle, Pen, Ink and Paper,
_&c._ The uncertainty of their attire, various disguises, non-constancy
of residence, and changeable names, makes me incapable to do what I
would: Therefore I will do what I can (according to my small experience,
occasioned by my no long continuance among them.) Riding on the Road (if
you have company) it may be two or three shall overtake you, and seem to
be much afraid of you: they will pretend to be even now set upon by half
a dozen stout fellows, but that they did beat the Rogues, forcing them
to fly for safety: and this fiction they use to seal with
basket-hilt-oaths: thus by your answers they will find whether you dare
fight; if not, they will wait an opportunity to act their roguery on
you; which having done, as a reward for what unwillingly you have left
them, they will pretend to give you a word shall protect you better than
your sword, from any injury shall be done you upon the like account: but
this is nothing else than a meer cheat, and no securing charm; for we
valued not words, when our wants were in pursuit of Monies. Not but that
we used some formal words among our selves, when ready to seize a prize;
and observing other company, either before or behind, to desist a while,
by which we knew what we had to do, and the ignorant Travellers
suspected no wrong.

                               CHAP. LX.

    _What is to be taken heed unto, before the Traveller begin
        his Journey._

Most respected Country-men, and more especially you, who frequently pass
the Road, the most part of my notorious wicked life having been consumed
in all manner of cheats and debauchery, and that in part of late
maintained by robbing: seeing now the wretchedness of that course of
life, and being sensible of the injury I have done my Country, I looked
upon my self as bound to satisfie the debt I owe to you, to the
uttermost of my power; which reacheth to an act not more satisfactory,
than good advice how to avoid those dangers which too many of late days
have fallen into, since Dammee Plumes of Feathers came in fashion. First
then, if you carry a charge about you, make it not known to any, and
conceal the time of your departure in your own breast; for it is a
custom no less common than indiscreet and foolish, among some sort of
persons, to blaze abroad among their reputed friends, the time of their
intended journey, and vaingloriously make them acquainted with what
considerable summs they should carry with them; by which means the Son
hath oftentimes betrayed the Father, and one friend another, by
informing or complotting with some of the Padding society; the
discoverer sharing (for giving notice of the prize) one quarter or more
of the gain he betrays, when but for this foolish humour they had not
been way-lay’d. Again, have a special care, both of the Hostler,
Chamberlain and Host himself: the two first the Thief is sure to bribe;
and the last, in expectation of a share with them (as it is so ordered)
or in hopes that the major part of what they get shall be profusely
spent in his house, gives them items where the booty lies. Especially be
sure on the road to associate with none but such as you find inclined
rather to leave your company then keep it; for they are very suspicious
persons, and oftentimes prove dangerous, that press into your society,
and are very inquisitive to know whither you intend, spinning out the
time with many impertinent questions. But if you would know whether the
strangers intentions be honestly inclined, take occasion to make some
stay: observe you in the mean time their motion: for if they make an
halt, or alight, so that you may overtake them, follow at a distance;
but if their pace be so slow that you needs must overtake them, look
about you, and provide for your safety; for there is no surer symptom of
an Highway-man than such purposed delays. The other usual marks of such
Moths be these; they commonly throw a great Leaguer-cloak over their
shoulders, covering their faces, or else they have visibly disguised
their faces in some manner or other. Now of late they find very useful a
Vizard, in every respect, (but for the largeness) like the _a-la-mode_
Vizard-masks so much worn by Gentlewomen, who endeavour to conceal the
shame of their wanton actions by absconding their faces. If you meet
with any who have none of these things, as soon as they come somewhat
near you, fix your eye full in their face: if they turn their heads from
you, keep your distance, and ride from them with what expedition you
can; but being surprized by any you know, be very careful that you
discover it not to them; for these Desperado’s never think themselves
secure, till they have prevented your giving intelligence, by cutting
asunder the thread of your life. Observe whether their beards and hair
of their head agree in a colour, and are not counterfeit; and be sure to
beware of him that rides in a Mountier-cap, and of such as whisper oft;
or of any one single person that intrudes into your company; for that is
one way they have to ensnare the Traveller: he will tell you a great
many merry and facetious Stories, meerly to ingratiate himself with you;
which having obtained, he shews himself more than ordinary civil, and so
fearful of anything that may prejudice his new acquaintance, that he no
sooner espies two riding toward them, but he apparently trembles, and
will presently question his new friends, what charge they have about
them: if little, the best way were to yield to these approaching
persons, if Thieves, rather than hazard a life; but if it be any thing
considerable, he will presently vow to be true to them, and rather than
they should come to any danger or loss, he will fight with them as long
as he hath breath. These so causlesly suspected, were perhaps down-right
honest fellows: but before they have travelled five miles further, ’tis
ten to one but they overtake two or three more, one it may be riding
aside with twists of Hay instead of Boots, it may be with a Fork, Bill,
or Goad in his hand, like a Country-Boor. It may be your
newly-entertained treacherous Friend will tell you that he will make
good sport with this Country-Bumpkin, and so to that purpose ask him
some foolish impertinent question, which the other shall answer as
ridiculously; so spinning out the time till a convenient place and a fit
opportunity serve; then shall this pretended friend seize one of you
himself, and my Hedge-creeper turn Hector, and lay hold on another: and
now will it be in vain for you to strive, for nothing but money will
ransome you out of their hands.

                               CHAP. LXI.

    _Instructions in what manner, at what time, and what Road is
        most safe to ride._

There are so many ways to rob the innocent, that it behoveth every man
to be very circumspect, how, when, and where he rides. If you have a
quantity of money about you, chuse rather to ride by night then day; for
by this means you are freed from any Horseman or Cutter whatever. But
this course cannot seal your protection from base sheep-stealing
penny-Rogues, the baseness and lowness of whose spirits will stoop for a
Noble, though they hang for their pains; therefore take heed of their
long poles, and that they do not suddenly start out and lay hold on your
bridle. As for the nobler sort of Rogues, this they believe as an
undeniable Maxime, that none will ride by night that are worth the
robbing. Besides, they are oblig’d to take their Inn betimes, lest
through mistrust they should be apprehended: Moreover, they hardly dare
adventure in the dark, because they cannot discern what dangerous
defences the assailed have, as Pistols, or other private weapons in
readiness, nor see their own advantages: and withall, it will be no
difficult matter to convey in the obscurity of the night, what they have
undiscovered, into some ditch. Chuse to travel in byroads, for it is a
general rule with High-way-men to keep their station on the greatest
Roads, that of the number that pass by, they may select such as they
think will prove the richest booties. Here now as a Corollary, take
notice of a foolish custom: Some when they ride by any place that
commonly speaks danger, they will bustle up together side by side; which
is the usual overthrow of such. Wherefore take my counsel here, when ere
you ride, in fear especially, ride far asunder, at least a stones throw:
by so doing none durst set upon you, fearing lest this stragling order
give some leave to escape undoubtedly, and so raise the Country in their

                              CHAP. LXII.

    _How a man is to behave himself if beset or surprised._

When the Rogue bids you stand, look not about as if amazed, or hoping
for a rescue; for this doth but encourage them to the height of
resolution and expedition: but looking sternly, as if fear were a
stranger to you, making your brow the throne of rage and fury, draw, and
undauntedly tell them, that though you have but little, yet you would
willingly sacrifice your life rather than lose a penny; and add ten more
to it (if you had them) then have your reputation stained with
cowardise. This is the readiest and most certain way to save both your
mony and credit; for they fighting with a guilty conscience within and
without, against Country, Law, and Justice, if nobly a man resists (this
I know experimentally) the stoutest, and most undaunted, and highest
spirit of them all will stoop to discouragement. Some I have known, that
durst out-brave the roaring Cannon to the mouth, yet their courages have
found an alteration, when on this account they have met with a bold and
nobly resolved Antagonist: but if by your own negligence, and the
malevolency of fortune, the pleasure of your journey is eclipsed and
clouded by a sudden surprisal, and that you see no hopes but that you
must yield, be not so unwise as to strive when it is too late, but give
them the best words you can; and rack your wits to please their ear,
most devoutly wishing you had more moneys to supply their present
occasions; and so banishing all dejectedness from your looks, deliver
some, and so perhaps they will let you pass without further search. If
they make a second offer, yield freely to it: then it may be they will
sift you soundly; never in that time lay your hand near your money, and
seeming fearless, it will be a means to make their suspition of a
greater sum to vanish. This I have known my self, that when I have taken
so much as pleased me well, by mens fear I have had grounds to think
they had more, and so made me research; laying my hand but near the
place where they had concealed the rest, suddenly would they cry out,
that they were undone, when as yet I had found nothing; but by this
their foolish and undiscreet carriage I have found the remainder, which
otherwise might have been secure and safe from me.

                              CHAP. LXIII.

    _Directions, if robbed, how to follow the Thieves; which way
        to set _Hue_ and _Cry_ after them; how to coast, and
        where to find them._

If you are robbed, there is no help but to indeavour to surprize the
Thieves by a strict pursuit: Therefore let no _Remora_ or delay deter
you from obtaining your wish, and so seize them that so lately seized
you. In the first place, scowre the next Road, not streight before, but
either on the right or left hand; for they know _Hue_ and _Cries_ never
cross the passages, but go straight along. If in so doing you miss them,
then conclude they are sheltred in some Inn which you have past, and
therefore you must set some careful Spies, with a sufficient assistance
near at hand, and be confident you will see them come that way, without
the least apprehension of fear, or fear of apprehension. But this
observe, that if they light of any considerable sum, then do they ride
that night to their general Rendezvous in _London_, which is too sure a
shelter for them: but observably take notice, for here is as eminent an
example of their subtilty, as any ever the Devil enrich’d their
knowledge with; For, if you are robbed in the eastern quarter, pursue
them not in the direct Road to _London_ with _Hue_ and _Cry_, for by
some other way they are fled; but haste to the City, and in
_Westminster_, _Holborn_, the _Strand_ and _Covent-garden_ search
speedily, for there they are. If Northward they light on you, then to
_Southwark_, the _Bankside_, or _Lambeth_ they are gone; and when you
find any one, seize all with him, for they are all Companions that are

                              CHAP. LXIV.

    _Cordial advice, and infallible instructions for the
        _Innkeeper_, how to know Thieves from his honest

Methinks the many tragical examples of Innkeepers, who have harboured
and countenanced Thieves, were sufficient (I should think) to deter
those that survive from doing the like; wherefore my advice to them in
general is, that their chiefest care be, not to wink at any such
life-destroying actions for hope of gain, lest that sweet be imbittered
by future trouble and disgrace. That you may know them, observe these
Rules: First, they are extraordinary curious about their horses; they
will have them as strangely drest, as strangely fed, with Mashes, Bread,
Flesh, and mingled provender, and that in an unusual quantity. If any
wonder at the extraordinary feeding of their horses, they will endeavour
to palliate their design therein, by telling that their tricks and good
abilities deserve it: nay, sometimes they will boast, that their worthy
services will soon repay the cost; using the like dark words to that
effect, which are palpable grounds for suspition. It is their custom
likewise to ask, Whose horse is that? or, What is the owner thereof
standing by? of what function or quality? whither he intends to travel?
how far, and when? Observe again, that their Cloak-bags are for the most
part empty, carrying them only but to make a shew. Next, the Chamberlain
conducting them to their Chamber, he is presently dismist; but let him
hearken, and if they are High-way men, ’tis ten to one but they fall to
share what they have purchased that day; and he shall see every one
taking his dividend, as well as hear the money, if he but narrowly pry
into the Chamber. This they never defer, lest he which hath the purse
should cheat the rest. But above all, for their discovery, make this
trial; Cause one to knock hastily at the gate, giving him instructions
in the mean time that attends on them, to observe their carriage then,
and he shall see them start and stare in each others face with ghastly
looks, being struck with fear and amazement: speak so that they may hear
you, seemingly to some or other in the house, asking what Officers those
are? what is their business? or whom do they look for? or the like. If
they seem much frighted, bid them fear not, for none shall search where
they are, to offer them any injurie; and that they are as safe with him,
as in a well fortified Castle. By this means you may pry into their
private thoughts and actions so far, as that you may gather, not only
substantial grounds for more then bare conjectures, but it may be they
will confess something too, desiring your concealment and succour, and
they shall think themselves for ever ingaged: after this you may use
your own discretion. Then again, you may perceive by their loitering and
disregard of time, what they expect; for they only bait but to observe
what purchase they can see pass by; which when they have espyed, they
will pretend immediate business calls them to be gone, and so mount in
great haste. Again, when they come to an Inn to lodge, they commonly
come in divided, or in several Companies, frustrating the _Hue_ and
_Cry_ by their number: besides, if one part be surprized, the other may
escape; and when the residue comes in, they seem as strangers one to the
other, enquiring of mine Host what their Companions are, what
Country-men, whether he knows them? and if they find he hath either
jealousie or suspition of any of them, they will feign some of business
that necessitates their speedy departure: but if you take them for
honest men, as they met by seeming chance in your Kitchin, so after some
formal civil salutations, and drinking together, they soon became
acquainted, and before they part, shew much familiarity. Thus as I was
farther endeavouring to lay open their devices and deceits, to repair
what wrong my Country had sustained by me, word was brought me, that I
must immediately appear at the Bar, and there answer what should be
objected against me; and it was but just that I should be now exposed to
the Law of Justice, since I had so often rejected and slighted the Law
of Mercy.

                               CHAP. LXV.

    _He receives sentence of Condemnation; he thereupon
        seriously contemplates Death, and considers Eternity._

Appearing at the Sessions, and seeing so many of my Adversaries ready to
give in their evidence against me, I concluded my self a leman; my very
countenance betrayed both my thoughts of guilt and despair. In short, I
received sentence of Death to be hanged at _Tyburn_, by the neck till I
was dead. I thought these sad tidings would have presently deprived me
of my life, and so have saved the Hangman a labour. All the way I went
back to _Newgate_, I fancied nothing but Gibbets stood in my way, and
that I saw no other trades but Cord-winders. Being entred the prison, I
was forthwith put into the Dungeon, laden with shackles: I had not been
many hours there, before a charitable Physician of the soul, I mean a
Minister, came to visit me, who advised me to repent, since it was high
time; and endeavouring to disburden my conscience, by extracting from me
a general ingenious confession of what enormous crimes I had committed.
Finding this person to have no other design, but merely for my souls
sake, I dissected the actions of my whole life, not omitting any thing
that might be accounted sinful. He was amazed to hear such notorious
Roguery in one Man, and so young; wherefore, before he applied any
cordial, he administered his corrosives, and so thorowly searcht every
corner of my heart, that there was nothing hid from him. In the first
place, he made me sensible of the wickedness of my life, and that every,
nay, the least evil action, deserved the loss of eternal and
inexpressible happiness, and instead thereof, torments everlasting and
intolerable. It will take up too much time, to give an account of every
thing this pious man alleadged for my information, contrition, and
consolation: so effectually and powerfully he delivered his divine
Message, that the obdurateness of my heart was able to hold out no
longer, but melting into tears, was willing to have its flintiness
broken by the hammer of Sacred Writ. Finding me in so good a temper, he
left me to God and my self, for the perfecting of that work he had so
hopefully and successfully begun. I began to consider what I was, only a
statue of dust kneaded with tears, and mov’d by the hid engines of
restless passions; a clod of earth, which the shortest Fever can burn to
ashes, and the least showre of rheums wash away to nothing; and yet I
made as great a noise in the world, as if both the Globes (those
glorious Twins) had been unwombed from that formless Chaos, by the
Midwifry of my wit: all my actions were attended with so much success,
and so answerable to my desires, as if I had been one of heavens
privy-Counsellors; which swelled me up with so much arrogance, that I
spake thunder, lookt lightning, and breathed destruction; and by the
eloquence of my own vanity, I perswaded my self, that the machinations
of my brain were able to unhinge the Poles: but it is otherwise decreed,
that the Ministers of Justice should put a period to my boundless pride,
to make me know I am but a man, and that mortal too. And having but a
short time to live, I thought it very requisite to think of that which
must shortly be the means to convey me either to bliss or woe; by so
doing, I seized on death before it seized on me. It was the fittest
subject I could b usie my soul about; for what more heavenly, than the
thought of immortality? and what so necessary, as the thought of death?
_Seneca _saith_, When he was a young man, he studied to live well; when
aged how to dye well_: but I never practised _Artem bene vivendi_, and
therefore am so ignorant in _Arte bene moriendi_; which makes me so
fearful, that I know not how to be careful of not being found
unprepared. Methinks I already hear that doleful saying, _Ite imparata
in paratum_. My sole companions were now despair and fear, for the King
of fear is death; and indeed there is nothing absolutely fearful, but
what tends to death, and I am confident, the fear of death is worse than
the pains of death: for, fear of death kills us often, whereas death it
self can do it but once. Life would not be troubled with too much care,
nor death with too much fear, because fears betray, and cares disorder
those succours which reason would afford to both: and though some say,
he is more sorrowful than is necessary, that is sorrowful before there
is necessity; yet that soul cannot be in a good condition, so long as it
fears to think of dying; but did I not sorrow now, and justly fear that
messenger that must bring me before the Tribunal of Heaven, I should
have too little time to wash away so many black spots, especially having
nothing but objects of terror and amazement before my eyes; but I never
needed have feared what I should suffer when dead, if I had not deserved
it whilst I lived. Life is not alike to all men: To such a wicked wretch
as I am, the best had been, that I never had been, and the next best
were to live long; in this condition, it was ill for me that I was born,
worse for me that I must die: for without unfeigned repentance, this
dying life will bring me to a living death; whereas a good man is
otherwise minded, he counts his end the best of his being, for that
brings him to the fruition of his hope: could death end misery, it
should be the greatest happiness I would wish: but my conscience will
not let me lye, for I fear the end of my present miseries will be but
the beginning of worse; yea, such as death it self cannot terminate. Now
came into my mind the consideration of Eternity: and with it, I
remembred how it was represented by the Ancients, which very much helpt
my present Contemplation; which was thus: A vast Den full of horror,
round about which a Serpent winds it self, and in the winding bites it
self by the tail. At the right-hand of this Den, stands a young man of a
most beautiful and pleasant countenance, holding in his right-hand a Bow
and two Arrows, and in his left an Harp. In the entrance sits an old man
opposite, and having his eyes very intent on his Table-book, writes
according to the dictations of the young man standing by. At the
left-hand of this Den, sits a grave Matron gray-headed, and having her
eyes always busied. At the mouth hereof, are four stairs ascending by
degrees; the first is of iron, the second of brass, the third of silver,
and the last of Gold: On these are little children sporting up and down,
playing, fearless, and inapprehensive of falling. The sight of this
Emblem of Eternity inculcated into my thoughts this interpretation: The
Den, which was bottomless, signified to me the incomprehensibility of
Eternity; the circumferating Serpent, Time; the young man, Nature: on
Earth and Hell are her arrows fastned; but in Heaven there is the Harp,
fulness of joy, and pleasures inexpressible: The old man I lookt upon to
be Fate; the grave Matron, Providence; the Stairs, distinct Times and
Ages; the Children running up and down the Stairs without fear of
danger, do signifie foolish Man and Woman, who regardless of their
salvation, sport and play with it so long, till they slipt into
Eternity. So have I been careless of that which should have been my
greatest care, though I knew (but would not know) that the least and
lightest touch of death were sufficient, in a moment to translate me
from Time to Eternity. Were we all to live a thousand years (whereas the
Executioner is to put a period to my life in one day longer) we should
before we had ran half our course, in our very non-age, apply our selves
to repentance and newness of life. Now, now is the time, every hour,
every moment: now one part of an hour (as I am informed, to my great
comfort) may obtain pardon here, which all Eternity cannot hereafter.
Therefore, let this now be my time (this one day I have left me) to
cancel my debts and trespasses against Heaven, which I can never do in
Hell-fire, in all the years and times to come hereafter. Let such who
have liv’d (as I) in all manner of wickedness, consider what Eternity
is, which may make them return like the penitent Prodigal. What then is
Eternity? It is a Circle running back into it self, whose center is
every where, and circumference no where, that is to say, infinite: It is
an Orb that hath neither beginning nor ending: Or it is a Wheel,

             _Volvitur & volvetur in omne volubilis evum._
           A Wheel that turns, a Wheel that turned ever:
           A Wheel that turns, and will leave turning never.

Eternity is like a year, continually wheeling about, which returns again
to the same point from whence it began, and still wheels about again. It
is an ever-running Fountain, whither the waters after many turnings flow
back again, that they may always flow. It is a bottomless pit, whose
revolutions are endless. It may be compared to a snake bowed back unto
it self orbicularly, holding its tail in its mouth; which in its end
doth again begin, and never ceaseth to begin. What is Eternity? It is a
duration always present; it is one perpetual day, which is not divided
into that which is past, and that which is to come: Or, it is an age of
ages, never expiring, and never changing: Or, more properly, it is a
beginning continuing, never ending, always beginning, in which the
blessed always begin a blessed life, in which the damned always die, and
after all death and strugling therewith, always begin again to die. As
Hell-torments are eternal, so will the conscience be perpetually
tormented with deep and horrid despair for the life past: Their worm
shall not die. The Poets of old alluded to this place notably, in that
Fiction or Fable of _Tytius_, whom _Virgil_ feigneth, that a flying
Vulture every day gnaws and tears his Liver, which is every night again
repaired and made up, that every day the Vulture may have more matter to
prey upon. What is this Vulture, but the worm I speak of? and what is
his Liver, but the conscience always gnawn and tormented? Not only this
(as he that preacht my Funeral-Sermon told me) but all the torments of
the damned shall never have end, because there can be no place for
satisfaction: For although these inexpressible torments shall continue
many millions of years; yet shall there not one hour, no, nor one minute
of respite be granted: Let us then be no longer forgetful of our selves,
and so degenerate into beasts, but seriously to consider our end, and
what shall come after. All men are in the way of Eternity, but I am now
almost at my journeys end: I sit on the Stairs of Eternity, expecting
when one small thrust shall plunge me into the bottomless pit, where one
hours punishment shall be more grievous (as _Thomas a Kempis_ saith)
then 100 years here in the bitterest of torments: There they are
tortured for infinite millions of ages, & are so far from finding an
end, as never to be able to hope for any end. The consideration of these
things brought me to that pass, as I was content to suffer any thing in
this life, so that I might not suffer in the life to come. Though a
King, I should willingly and patiently have endured what _Andronicus_
did, Emperour of the East; who (as History relates) being overcome and
taken prisoner by _Isaac Angelo_, had immediately two great chains of
iron put about his neck; and being laden with fetters, was brought
before _Isaac_, who delivered him over to the rage of the multitude, to
be abused at their pleasure. This rabble being incenst and stimulated on
by revenge, some buffeted him, some bastinado’d him, others pulled him
by the beard, twitching the hair from his head, dashing out his teeth,
dragging him in publick through the streets: the insolence of women was
such, as to fall upon him, leaving the marks of their nails in his
Imperial face. After all this, they cut off his right-hand: thus maimed
and bruised, he was thrown into the Dungeon of Thieves and Robbers,
without either attendance, or the least thing necessary to sustain life:
Some few days being past, they put out one of his eyes: thus mangled,
they put upon him an old rotten short coat, shav’d his head, set him
upon a scabbed Camel, with his face towards the Tail, put on his head a
crown of Garlick, made him hold in his hand the Camels Tail instead of a
Scepter, and so they carried him through the Market-place very
leisurely, with great pomp & triumph. Here did the most impudent crew,
and base among the people, like Tygers, after an inhumane manner fall
upon him, not considering in the least, that not three days before he
was no less then an Emperour, crowned with a royal Diadem, whose frowns
were inevitable death, was honoured, yea, adored of all men. Their rage
and madness fitted every one with instruments to execute their revenge:
Some struck him on the head with sticks, others filled his nostrils with
dirt, others squeezed spunges upon his face soaked in humane and
beastial excrements: some threw stones, others dirt at him. An impudent
woman as he past, came running out with scalding water in her hand, and
poured it on his head. All these indignities which they exercised upon
this poor Emperor, did not satisfie their insatiate revenge, but
bringing him to the Theatre, took him down from the Camel, and hung him
up by the heels: yet did he behave himself like a man, by bearing
patiently what was inflicted upon him, being never heard to cry out
against the cruelty of his fate. All that he was heard to say, was this,
which he often repeated, _Domine miserere, Domine miserere_. Thus
hanging up, one would have thought their malice should have ceased; but
they spared him not as long as he lived; for pulling his Coat from his
body, they tore him with their nails. One more cruel then the rest, ran
his Sword through his bowels as he was hanging: Two others, to try whose
Sword was sharpest, cut him and gasht him in several places; and so
ended his life miserably, but was not suffered to be buried. Oh, that my
condition were as _Andronicus_, to suffer all that man can lay upon me,
that I might not perish for ever! I should be content to be miserable
for so short a time, that I may not be miserable to all Eternity.
Questionless he could never have suffered such things so constantly and
couragiously, but that he had Eternity in his thoughts; and were our
minds imployed about the same subject, any adversity or affliction we
should more easily bear. From the time of my condemnation till Monday
morning I slept not, neither did I eat or drink: then did I hear my
passing-bell (having heard the day before my Funeral-Sermon) every
stroke methought carried my soul one degree higher, being confident I
had made my peace above. Whilst I was in the depth of Meditation, and my
soul breathing out this short ejaculation.

                   _Is there no hope now of Relief,
                     In this Extremity?
                   Mercy e’re now hath sav’d a Thief,
                     And may do as much for me._

Behold, a friend came to me (that never visited me during my
imprisonment) but now in the time of need brought me a Reprieve; when I
lookt thereon at first, I could not believe my own eyes; I thought I
dreamt, or that grief had so distracted me, as that I imagined things
that are not. My friend at length cleer’d up my doubts; but I shall tell
you this for a truth, I knew not whether I were best accept of this
self-preserving courtesie: For, methought I had so well settled my
eternal concerns, as that I had nothing else to do but die.

About a fortnight after, I was sent aboard, in order to my
transportation; my sentence of Death being converted into a seven years

                              CHAP. LXVI.

    _Being on Board he descants on his ensuing misery; yet draws
        comfort to himself from the sufferings of others. He
        relateth how he was freed from his intended banishment
        by a double Shipwrack; the manner thereof he amply

The Ship that was to transport me lay at _Wollidge_: about the latter
end of _Aug. 1650_. I was conveyed aboard a lusty Ship, a
_Virginia_-Merchantman, and was instantly clapt under hatches; but I
knew they would quickly call me aloft, if there was any fighting work;
as such a thing might easily be, since the Sea was no where free from
such as would make a prize of what Vessels were too weak to contend with
them. Having pen, ink, and paper about me, I busied my thoughts and pen
in contriving consolation for my disquieted and disconsolate mind, thus:

          _Why should not I with patience suffer? some
          Have kist what brought them to their Martyrdom.
          Many a Saint hath suffer’d on a Cross;
          And our good King endur’d three Kingdoms loss.
          Shall I (fool) then at any cross take grief?
          _Tyburn’s_ the way to heaven for many a Thief.
          But must I now to Sea? well, ’tis no matter;
          Fortune now frowns, though heretofore did flatter.
          Let not my soul despond, since ’tis my hap,
          I’ll scorn that _Whore_, and trust to _Thetis_ lap:
          Though she may foam with anger, and the wind
          May aggravate her passion, I may find
          Her calm again, and set me on that shore,
          Where I may Moor, and put to sea no more.
          _Neptune_ may shake his _Trident_, and each wave,
          Or tumbling billow may become my _grave_.
          A thundring Cannon may pronounce my death,
          Or a small shot bereave me of my breath:
          All which may throng together in full crowds,
          To make m’a _winding-sheet_ of _tatter’d shrowds_.
          The winds shall sing my _requiem_, and my knell
          Shall be a peal of Ordnance, they shall tell
          My angry fates I’m dead, and the Sea must
          Intomb without the form of _dust to dust_.
          But I hope better things, and do believe,
          My good events will make the _furies_ grieve._

About the beginning of _September_ following, we set sail for the
_Downs_. As soon as we had weighed Anchor, a thick melancholy cloud
encompassed my thoughts, and so much sadness seized my spirits, as if I
had been not so much taking my leave of my dearly beloved Country, as
leaving the world. Though my soul could not foresee the least danger,
nor be troubled at the apprehension of what slavery I was to undergo in
my exilement; yet certainly I found this strange anguish and propassion
to be ominous, proceeding from something divine, which is able to
unriddle the Apocrypha of nature, and made my soul sensible of some
approaching mischief. Having been about 5 days at Sea, one morning, just
as the Sun began to gild our Hemisphere with his Golden rays, the
Boatswain made us all turn out, & commanded all hands upon deck: coming
aloft, I could not see a man in whose face there was not written the
pale characters of fear and amazement; which were the infallible marks
of some sudden and ensuing danger. Upon my first coming on board, I
could discern a great many red nos’d fellows (a drunkards truest
_indicium_) but the apprehension of present danger had now extinguisht
all those flaming torches of their faces, without the help of water: The
faces indeed of the stoutest amongst us, were so altered by this
affrightment, that we knew not almost one another; losing our natural
complexions through the extremity of passion. One was at his prayers,
that never till then knew what a prayer was; another shedding of _briny
tears_, to make room for more _salt waters_: for my own part, I found my
self not much moved, having lately made my self acquainted with death.
By this time I understood what had past; that is, our Ship had sprung a
leak, and was ready to sink. Seeing every man in that posture, and that
there required means, as well as prayers for our preservation; Come
(said I) Gentlemen, let us not thus cry out, and never lend our
assisting hand; let us to the pump, and let every one be imployed in
this grand concern. Whereupon we all unanimously fell to work: but as it
is usual in such extreams, we were all busie about doing of nothing:
what we began we left imperfect, and fell to another, and so perfected
nothing to our safety. Some were sent down into the Hold, who quickly
returned to us with the symptoms of death in their countenances; for
they all with hesitations and quivering of tongue, with words abruptly
or half spoken, signified to us, that our Ships wound was incurable,
that the leak could not be stopt, but that we must inevitably perish
within some minutes. These words I received as from a Deaths-head, which
I never heard speak before; and truly his very looks would have
sufficiently declared what message he was about to deliver, _viz._ ruine
and immediate destruction. Our inexpressible fears bereaved us of the
power of counselling one another; neither did we know what was best to
be done. Our Master commanded our Long-boat to be cast out, and withal,
ordered some eight Guns to be fir’d, which methought resembled so many
toles of my _Passing-bell_, when I was design’d to pass by St.
_Sepulchres Church_ in a Cart, guarded by fellows whose visages were the
true resemblance of the _Saracens-head_ on _Snow-hill_, for terror,
horror, and merciless proceeding; as to all which, these _Cannibals_
will outvie that inhumane and bloody Nation. Every man indeavoured to
shift for himself, and I amongst the rest (being loath to be drowned
alone) leapt short of the boat, and fell into the Sea in _Charontis
Cymba_; but necessity then forcing me to use treble diligence to recover
my self, with much difficulty I got into the boat: I was no sooner
there, but another leapt down upon me, and had like to have beaten the
rest of my breath out of my body: which I took kindly enough: for I
would have been content to have born them all on my back, nay, boat and
all, so that I might have escaped with life. We were constrained to
leave many of our friends behind us, and committed our selves to the
Sea, driving us we knew not whither. Now were all our hopes _dashed_, as
well as our selves, by the waves; for we were almost in despair of
humane help: for we were left in the wide Ocean, which did not at that
time wear a smooth brow, but contending with the wind, swell’d into
prodigious mountains, which every moment threatned our overwhelming. How
could we expect safety in an open Shaloup, when so stately a Castle of
wood, which we but now lost, could not defend it self, nor preserve us
from the insolency of the imperious waves? We were many leagues from any
shore, having neither Compass to guide us, nor provision to sustain us,
being as well starv’d with cold as hunger. Several bags of mony we had
with us; but what good could that do us, where there is no exchange? We
could neither eat nor drink it; neither would it keep us warm, nor
purchase our deliverance. Therefore we may justly esteem of money in its
own nature, as an impotent creature, a very cripple, _inutile pondus_,
an useless burden. I could not now imagine anything could preserve us,
less than a miracle: and as we were all sinful creatures, especially my
self, we could not expect that nature should go out of her ordinary way
to save us. The waves indeed carried us up to Heaven,

                 _Jam jam tacturos sidera summa putes._

_Neptune_ sure at this time was very _gamesome_, for he play’d at
_Tennis_ with us poor mortals, making a _wave_ his _Racket_ to bandie us
up and down like _Balls_: Sometimes he seem’d so proud and _lofty_,
being raised so _high_, as if he had been about to _scale Heaven_; which
the incensed Deity perceiving, seemed again to throw us down headlong to
Hell, for too much ambition & presumption: yet I could not see, but that
the extremity of our condition pleaded for us, crying aloud for pity and
compassion. I was now silent, committing my self into the hands of
providence; yet verily believing, that the inversion of the old Proverb
appertained to me, that being not born to be hang’d, I should be
drown’d. Commonly we are not so much mov’d with a clamourous and
importunate beggar, who hunts after our Alms with open mouth, and makes
_Hue_ and _Cry_ after our Charity (as if we had rob’d him who begs of
us) as with the silence of impotent and diseased _Lazaro’s_: their sores
speak loudest to our affections; _Quot vulnera, tot ora_; each wound is
a gaping mouth strenuously imploring mercy; the sight whereof, cannot
but melt the most obdurate spectator into a charitable compassion. This
was our case, our misery was louder than our prayers, and our deplorable
condition, certainly was more prevalent then our imperfect devotions. In
this moment of death, when we were without the least expectation of any
deliverance, the wind chopt about, and drove back one Ship that had
over-run us: this was unquestionably _Digitus Dei_. This Ship made
towards us, and we, what in us lay, towards it: The wind blew hard, and
the insulting Sea, that will not admit of pity, rose high upon us: so
that we were forced to lave the water out of the boat with our hats. It
was my chance to sit on the weather side; fain would I have exchanged my
place, but such complements are useless in a storm; so that I was
constrained to endure patiently the indignation of my raging enemy. But
now began another despair; for with all our endeavours we could not
reach the Ship, nor she us, although she hung on the Lee to retard her
course. Thus our pregnant hopes brought forth nothing but wind and water
(for the Ship rode on furiously before the wind, and we came after in
pursuit of her, as slowly as if an hedg-hog had been running with a
Race-horse;) so that we which before flattered our selves with an
assurance of safety, were as much confounded with a certainty of
perishing. In my opinion it is better to have no hopes at all, than be
disappointed in them: doubtless it did redouble the punishment of
_Tantalus_, to touch what he could not taste. That Mariner, who seeing a
fatal necessity for it, is contented to die in a tempest, would be
exceedingly troubled to perish in a Haven, _In Portu perire_. In this
very condition were we, having a Ship near us, but could not board her
for stress of weather; so that ruine attended us, though all the while
we lookt safety in the face. Now did it grow dark, whereby we could not
see which way to row: though this was an evil in its own nature, yet
accidentally it became our benefit: for not seeing our danger, we
understood it not; but redoubling our strength, we brake through the
waves, and by the assistance of a light, which was in the Ship, we
directed our course truly; and now did we find we were very near her. As
soon as we toucht her on the Lee-side, the Sea-men, with the rest in the
boat, being more dexterous in the art of climbing than my self, never
regarding their _exil’d Prisoner_ (whom they ought to have taken charge
of) got all up into the Ship in a moment, leaving me alone in the boat.
By good hap they threw me out a Cope, which once had like to have
deprived me of my life, but was now the preserver: which I held fast, to
keep the Boat from staving off. Our Boat was half full of water, and the
waves dashed it so violently against the Ship-side, that every such
stroke struck me down, so that I had like to have been drowned (and did
much fear it) in that epitome of the Sea. It would have vexed a man in
my condition, to escape by swimming over a large _River_, and coming
ashore, to be drowned in a _washbowle_. At last with much difficulty I
got aboard too. The Master, Merchants, _&c._ having sav’d their lives
(even miraculously) one would have thought they should not have been so
pensive as they were for the loss of their goods. Those which lost much
took it very heavily; those which lost less, their affliction was
greater, having lost all: I was the most glad, joy riding in triumph in
my chearful countenance, having lost nothing, neither could I any thing,
but my life. Having escapt so miraculously, it was unchristian-like to
murmur at any loss; and as ridiculous, as if a man being restored to
life, should complain that his winding-sheet had sustained some damage
by lying in the grave. The Ship wherein we were, was bound for the
_Canaries_, the wind blowing very faire for that coast. The second night
after our deliverance, about ten a’clock, having set our Watch, we laid
our selves down to rest, with the thoughts of much safety and security,
but it was otherwise decreed; for about one a’clock we were forced to
use all hands _aloft_, a most terrible storm beginning to arise, and the
wind blew so furiously, that before morning we lost our Bow-sprit and
Mizon: we durst not bear the least sayl, but let the Ship drive whither
the winde and waves pleased; and before the next night, we could not
indure our remaining Masts standing, but were necessitated to cut them
by the board. Thus we were tumbled up and down for four days, and as
many nights, contending with the waves in a _Pitcht-battel_, not knowing
where we were, till our Ship struck so violently against a Rock, that
the horrid noise thereof would have even made a dead man startle; to
which, add the hideous cries of the Sea-men, bearing a part with the
whistling winds and roaring Sea; all which together, seemed to me to be
the truest Representation of the Day of Judgement. The Ship stuck fast
so long between two Rocks, as that we had time enough, all of us, to
leap out; the only means left us for our safety. We all got upon a Rock,
and the Morning-star having drawn the Curtain of the night, we found
that we were a very little distance from the shore; getting thereon, and
ranging to and fro, we at last espied a small house, the sight whereof
made us direct our foot-steps thither, steering our course solely by the
compass of our eyes: being come to the house, the Master thereof stood
at the door; we addrest our selves to him in _English_, but his
replications were in _Spanish_, which we understood not: wherefore I
spake to him in Latine, in which language he answered me, _Tam compte,
tam prompte_, both quaintly and readily. In that tongue I made a shift
to tell him the sad Iliades of our misfortunes. This noble _Spaniard_
understood it better by our looks, than my relations; which made such a
deep impression in his soul, that his _gravity_ could not forbear the
shedding of some few tears, so that one would have thought he suffered
Shipwrack as well as we. He desired us to come into his house, and
refresh our selves: what little meat he had, stew’d in a horse-load of
herbs, with some pottage onely seasoned by a piece of Bacon, that had
serv’d for that purpose at least a dozen times) he ordered to be set
before us; being no ways sparing of his wine, better than any I ever yet
could taste in Taverns; this good man being not acquainted with
_dashings_, _dulcifyings_, &c. Seeing us eat so heartily, he caused
another dish to be provided, which was composed of such variety of
creatures, that I thought he had served us in as a _Mess, the first
Chapter of Genesis_: This _Ola-podrida_ was so _cookt_, that the
distinction of each creature was _fauc’d_ out of our knowledge. Having
satisfied our hungry stomachs, he dismist all excepting my self,
desiring me to accept of what kindness he could do me, for he confest he
took much pleasure in my society and discourse. I was very well
contented to entertain his proffer: in some few days he told me he was
to go to Sea, being Captain of a Vessel that lay in _Perimbana_, a small
Sea-faring Town near the place of our Shipwrack; and asking me whether I
would go with him to the _Indies_ (whither he was bound) I readily
consented, and in some few days after we did sail from thence, to
perfect our intended Voyage.

                              CHAP. LXVII.

    _From _Perimbana_, a small maritime Town on the _Spanish_
        coast, he sets sail with Captain _Ferdinando Velasquez_
        bound to the _East-Indies_; but by the way meets with
        three Turkish Galleys, and by them is taken, miserably
        abused, and imprisoned._

An hour before day we left the Port, and sailed along the coast before
the wind; about noon we discerned three vessels, whereupon we gave them
chase: in less than two hours we got up to them, and then we could
easily perceive that they were Turkish Galleys; whereof we were no
sooner assured, but we betook ourselves to flight, making to Land with
all speed possible, to avoid the danger that inevitably threatned us.
The _Turks_ understanding our design, presently hoisted up all their
sails, and having the wind favourable, bore up to us so close, & getting
within a small Faulcon-shot of us, they discharged their Ordnance on us,
wherewith they killed eight of our men, and wounded as many more; and so
battered our Ship beside, that we were forced to throw a great quantity
of our lading over-board. The _Turks_ in the mean while lost no time,
but grappled us; we on the other side, who were able to fight, knowing
that on our valour and undaunted courage depended our lives, or loss of
liberty, with perpetual slavery, resolved to fight it out. With this
determination we boarded their Admiral, doing very eminent execution;
but being over-powred with numbers, we were so overprest & wearied, that
we desisted from making any further resistance: For, of 35 men we had at
first, we had only remaining ten, whereof two died the next day, whom
the _Turks_ caused to be cut in pieces or quarters, which they hung at
the end of their Main-yard for a sign of Victory. Being taken, we were
carried by them to a Town called _Mocaa_, and received by the Governor
and Inhabitants, who expected and waited the coming of these Pirates. In
the company was likewise one of the chiefest Sacerdotal dignity; and
because he had been a little before in Pilgrimage at the Temple of their
Prophet _Mahomet_ in _Meca_, he was honoured and esteemed by all the
people as a very holy man. This Mahometan Impostor rid in a triumphant
Chariot up and down the Town, covered all over with silk Tapistry, and
with a deal of ceremonious fopperies, bestowed on the people his
benediction as he passed along, exhorting them to return hearty thanks
to their great Prophet for this Victory obtained over us. The
Inhabitants hearing that we were Christians taken Captives, flockt about
us; and being exceedingly transported with choler, fell to beating of us
in that cruel manner, that I thought it a vain thing to hope to escape
alive out of their hands; and all this, because we owned the names of
Christians. When I was in _England_, I justly was sentenced to die for
my villany, and now here only for the bare profession of Christianity, I
must not be suffered to live. The wicked _Cacis_ (as they called him)
instigated them on to those outrages they committed; who made them
believe, that the worse they dealt with us, the more favour and mercy
they should receive from _Mahomet_ hereafter. We were chained all
together, and in that manner were we led in triumph; and as we past
along, we had our heads washt with womens Rose-water, throwne down upon
us from Balconies, with other filth, in derision and contempt of the
name of Christian; wherein every one strived to be most forward, being
instigated thereunto by their Priest. My sufferings then, put me in mind
of my former wishes, to be as unfortunate _Andronicus_, miserably
afflicted here, that I might escape eternal torments hereafter: I
received in part the effect of my _quondam_ wishes, no ways acceptable
to my present desires. Having tyred themselves in tormenting us till the
evening, bound as we were, they clapt us into the Dungeon, where we
remained 21 days exposed to all kind of misery, having no other
provision allowed us, than a little Oat-meal or Rice and water, which
was distributed to us every morning, what should serve us for that whole
day: for variety sake, we had sometimes a small quantity of Pease soak’d
in water.

                             CHAP. LXVIII.

    _He is brought forth into the Market-place, and there put to
        sale; he is bought by a _Jew_ (a miserable avaricious
        man) and by a stratagem he delivers himself from that
        Master, is sold to a _Græcian_, in heart a Christian:
        the Ship being taken, and his Master drowned, he
        escaping to shore by swimming, is at his own liberty._

In the morning the Gaoler repairing to us, found two of our miserable
companions dead, by reason of their wounds, which were many, and not
lookt into. This made him haste to the _Guazil_ or Judge, to acquaint
him of what had hapned; who upon information given, came to the prison
in person, attended with Officers and other people: where having caused
their irons to be struck off, he ordered their bodies to be dragged
through the Town, and so cast in the Sea. We that remained were chained
altogether, and so led out of prison unto the common place of sale, to
be sold to him that should give most. By reason of my strength (which
those that lookt on might argue, from the streightness and firmness of
my limbs, being elevated by the Pole above a common or middle stature) I
was first bought by one, whom at the first sight, I could not well tell
whether he was Man or Devil; for his complexion was of the same colour
as the Devil is usually rendred: to say all in short, he was a _Jew_. He
carried me home to his house, where I no sooner arrived, but he markt me
for his own: My employment was constantly to turn a hand-mill; if I
rested at any time, though ever so little, the punishment he inflicted
on me was, three or four blows on either the belly, or soles of my feet;
which were doubled or trebled according as he judged of my offence: my
diet was such as only served to keep me alive. In general, he used me so
cruelly, that becoming desperate, I once thought it better resolutely to
cut the thread of my life, than spin it out longer in so much
wretchedness and misery. Revenge too induc’d me to the undertaking of
this attempt, as knowing him to be the most covetous wretch living, and
therefore would even hang himself when he should lose what he payed for
me: but considering my self, I made choice of a better expedient, which
was to pretend (what I intended not) to kill my self: I made choice of
such a time, when I was sure some one or other was set to watch me; who
perceiving that I was about to destroy my self, rusht in and prevented
me, and went forthwith to inform my Master of what he had seen; advising
him withall to sell me out of hand, otherwise he would infallibly be a
loser by me. My Master taking notice of my countenance and behaviour,
resolved to put his friends counsel in practise; and so sold me to
another, who fortunately proved a Greek, that in shew was _Mahometan_,
but cordially a Christian. Once more was I delivered from miseries that
are hardly to be endured, and was imbarqued with my new Master in a Ship
bound for the _East-Indies_. In the course that we held, we sail’d with
so prosperous a gale, that in a very short time we arrived in view of
the Fort of _Diu_; but seeing several vessels lying before that Fort,
firing against it in an hostile manner we shaped our course to _Goa_,
where we arrived in safety. From hence we sayled unto the River _Lugor_:
just as we were entring its Mouth, we saw a great _Junk_ coming upon us,
which perceiving us to be few in number, and our Vessel but small, fell
close with our prow on the Larboard-side, and then those that were in
her, threw in to us great Cramp-irons fastned unto two long chains,
wherewith they grappled us fast unto them; which they had no sooner
done, but incontinently some 70 or 80 _Mahometans_ started out from
under the Hatches, that till then had lain lurking there; and pouring
out their small-shot upon us, clapt us aboard in an instant. Those that
knew what it was to be a slave to the merciless _Turks_, leapt into the
Sea, whereof I was one: we were not far from land, so that it was not
long before I got safe to shore; it was my Masters misfortune (and truly
I think my unhappiness, for he behaved himself to me as to one of his
familiar friends) being wounded, and ignorant in swimming, to be
entomb’d in the deep. There were some five or six more that escapt the
danger of their enemies and the Sea, that wading up to the waste in mud,
landed in safety; with these I hid my self in the next adjacent Wood.
There was hardly one of us but received some hurt; and being now
devested of all hope of help, we could not forbear to unman ourselves by
weeping, complaining against our hard destiny, that should in so short a
time bring us into so sad a disaster. In this desolation we spent the
remaining tragical part of the day; but considering with our selves,
that the place was moorish, and full of venemous creatures, we betook
our selves to the _Owze_, standing therein up to the middle. The next
morning, by break of day, we went along by the River-side, until we came
to a little Channel, which we durst not pass (not knowing its depth) for
fear of Lizards, plenty whereof we had sight of therein; we wandred so
long to avoid this and the Bogs covered with rushes, which environed us
about, till that we were forced to rest our selves, being so weary and
so hungry, that we could not go one step farther. In the morning
awaking, four of our company lay dead, so that there was only one
remaining to bear me company: I now thought my condition worse than if I
had hung at _Tyburn_, surrounded with a full Jury of fellow-sufferers;
my companion and I, with tears, sang the obsequies of our dead friends,
expecting hourly our own dissolution; Their bodies we covered with a
little earth, as well as we could; for we were then so feeble, that we
could hardly stir, nay, nor speak. In this place we rested ourselves,
intending to bear our friends company to their eternal rest. Some four
hours after this our resolution, about Sun-set, we espied a Barque
rowing up the River: coming near us we hailed her, and prostrating our
selves on the ground, beseeched those that were in her to receive us on
board. Amazed to see us in that posture on our bended knees, and hands
lifted up to Heaven, they stopt: our cries for succour reacht their
eares, which obtained commiseration from their hearts; so taking us in,
they carried us with them to _Lugor_, where about Noon next day we
landed. The people are fearful black like the Devil, whom they
superstitiously worship, in the form of a bloody Dragon; They have many
Idols amongst them, which they hold in great esteem, as a Ram-goat, a
Bat, an Owl, a Snake, or Dog, to whom they ceremoniously bow or kneel,
groveling upon the earth, and throwing dust on their faces; they offer
Rice, Roots, Herbs, and the like, which is devoured by the Witches;
these devillish creatures being both feared and esteemed by the Savages.
The female sex, against the appearance of the new-Moon, assemble upon a
Mountain, where turning up their bare bums, they contemptuously defie
the Queen of Heaven, who hath this despight shewn her, because they
suppose her the causer of their monthly courses. They are much given to
novelties, amongst which dogs are of very great value with them:
Insomuch, that whilst I was there, I saw six slaves exchanged for one
_European_ Cur. They abound with the choicest of natures blessings, as
health, strength, and wealth, but are very inhumane and uncivil; for
they delight much to feed on mans flesh, eating it with more
satisfaction than any other food. Upon my first arrival, I did not
rightly understand their meaning by feeling my flesh, but when I was
informed, that like Butchers, they felt my flank to know how fat I was,
they never toucht me afterwards with their fingers, but I fancied my
self either boiled or roasted, and that their hands, my bearers, were
conveying me to the open Sepulchres of their mouths, to be entombed in
the gut-rumbling Monument of their bellies: whereas other Anthropophagi
content their appetites with the flesh of their enemies, these covet
most their friends, whom they imbowel with much greediness, saying, they
can no way better express a true affection, than to incorporate their
dearest friends and relations into themselves, as in love before, now in
body, uniting two in one (in my opinion) a bloody sophistry. It is a
very truth, of which I was an eye-witness, they have Shambles of men and
womens flesh, joynted and cut into several pieces fit for dressing. It
is usual for some, either weary of life, or so sick, they have no hopes
of recovery, to proffer themselves to these inhumane Butchers, who
returning them thanks, dissect or cut them out into small parcels, and
so are sodden and eaten. It is a custom among them, when they would add
to their beauties (deformity) to slash their faces in several places.
They adore those two glorious Planets, the Sun and Moon, believing they
live in Matrimony. They are much addicted to rapine and theevery, and
they chuse to commit any villany rather by day than night, because they
suppose thereby the Moon and Stars will never give testimony against
them. Their heads are long, and their hair curled, seeming rather wool
than hair: Their ears are very long, being extended by ponderous bawbles
they hang there, stretching the holes to a great capacity. Both men and
women hideously slash their flesh in sundry forms; their brows, noses,
cheeks, arms, breasts, back, belly, thighs and legs, are pinkt, and cut
in more admirable (than amiable) manner. They contemn apparel, and
indeed, the heat of the Climate will not permit them to wear any; very
few have nothing on to cover their secrets. Most have but one stone, the
other is forced away in their infancy, that _Venus_ may not too much
allure them from Martial exploits: wherefore the women take great
delight in strangers. One of them so strongly besieged my modesty, that
more for fear than love, I yielded to her incontinency: I was displeased
at nothing but the sight of her; for her flesh, no Velvet could be
softer. There are in this place great quantity of Lions, which in dark
weather use great subtility to catch and eat some Savages: They again in
the day-time dig pits, and covering them with boughs, do train the
couragious Lions thither, where they receive destruction, eating them to
day, who perhaps were Sepulchres to their friends or parents the day
before. I have seen these well-bred people descend in a morning from the
Mountains, adorned with the raw guts of Lions or other wild beasts,
serving for an hour or two for chains or neck-laces, and afterwards for
their breakfast; of which good chear, if I would not participate, I
might fast for them: so that my squeamish stomack was forced to give
entertainment to that unwelcome guest, to keep starving out of doors.
The Ship that brought us hither, was now ready to set sail, being bound
for _Goa_, the Master whereof was a _Portugal_, who understood Latine
and French very well, of which I was not ignorant: I addrest my self to
him in the French tongue, desiring him to accept of mine and my
Comerades service; which he condescended to with much willingness. At
_Goa_ we stayed not long, but from thence passing towards _Surrat_, a
vehement and unexpected storm overtook us, for three days raging
incessantly, so that those which were acquainted with those parts, very
much feared an _Hero-cane_, a tempest commonly of thirty days
continuance, and of such fury, that Ships, Trees, and Houses perish
unavoidably in it: once in nine years, it seems, it fails not to visit
them. It chanc’d that my Comerade being heedless and unexperienc’d in
Sea-affairs, was washt off by a wave into the Sea, and so was buried in
the large & deep grave of the vast Ocean; a sure treasury for the
resurrection. The foulness of the weather forc’d a _Junk_-man of War,
full of desperate _Malabars_, a bloody and warlike people, in view of
us; but the Seas were too lofty for them to board us. After three
watches, the Sea changed colour, and was calmer; and by the swimming of
many snakes about our Vessel, the Sea-men knew we were not far from
shore, landing shortly after safely at _Surrat_.

                              CHAP. LXIX.

    _From hence he set sail to _Swalley-Road_, and so from
        thence coasted till he arrived at _Delyn_ a Town that
        belongs to the _Malabars_; he gives an account of what
        he there saw and observed._

Some two hours after we set sail, we were becalmed, having not the least
breeze of wind, the weather withal being exceeding hot and sultry: at
length we arrived in _Swalley-Road_, where was riding an English Vessel;
there we cast anchor: the English men came aboard of us, whom our
Captain welcomed with the best of his entertainment. I could not forbear
embracing my dear Country-men, shewing them so many demonstrations of
joy, that by their looks, they seemed to question whether I was in my
right wits. Their Masters-mate calling me aside, askt me, how I came to
be ingaged in this Vessel? how long since I came from _England_? with
many other questions too tedious here to relate. To all which I gave him
such satisfactory answers, that he seemed very well pleased. I gave him
a summary relation of what I had suffer’d, since my departure from my
own Country; the report whereof, seemed to extract much pity from him.
In fine, I told him, I had a great desire to see _England_ again, and to
that end desired him to make use of what interest he could, to remove me
into their Ship: he promised he would; and accordingly giving a Present
to our Captain, he so far prevailed upon him to let me go, and perswaded
the chief of whom he was concerned withal, to entertain me, which they
did with much willingness. I was so like a Sea-man in this short time,
that none could distinguish me from one that received his first rocking
in a Ship. I carried about me as deep an hoguo of Tarpawlin as the best
of them, & there was no term of art belonging to any part of the Ship or
tackling, but what I understood. I could drink water that stunk (as if
_stercus humanum_ had been steept two or three days in it) as well as
any of them, and eat beef and Pork (that stirred as if it had received a
second life, and was crawling out of the platter to seek out the rest of
his Members) I say, I could devour it with as much greediness (scorning
that my appetite should be ever again taxed with any of those Epithets,
either nice or squeamish) as if it had been but nine hours, instead of
nine Months, in salt. And to make me the more compleat, I had forgot to
wash either hands or face, or what the use of a comb or shirt was,
neither did I know how to undress my self; or if wet to the skin, to
make use of any other means than my natural heat to dry my self: I never
lookt on a hat or band, but as Prodigies. But to return to my purpose,
where I left off. In three days time we set sail for _Swalley-Road_,
steering our course from them, all along the coast of _India_, _Decan_,
and _Malabar_. I knew not whither they intended, neither did I care now,
as thinking my self safe, being amongst my friends: on the 20 of
_April_, seven days from our weighing anchor in _Swalley-Road_, we came
to an anchor at _Delyn_, a Town of the _Malabars_: We durst not land,
the people being so treacherous and bloody; yet we suffered them to come
aboard us in their small Canoos, selling us for any trifles, Coco-nuts,
Jacks, Green-pepper, Indian-pease, Hens, Eggs, and the like. They
brought us likewise Oranges of so pleasant a taste, the rind vying with
the juice, which shall become most grateful to the palate: We had
likewise from them Plantanes, a fruit supposed by some, to be that which
_Eve_ was tempted withal; if a man gathers them green, yet will they
ripen afterwards, coloured with a dainty yellow: the rind or skin will
peel off with much facility; they melt in the mouth, giving a most
delicious taste and relish. These _Malabars_ are coal-black, well
limb’d, their hair long and curled; about their heads they only tye a
small piece of linnen, but about their bodies nothing but a little cloth
which covers their secrets. Notwithstanding their cruelty & inhumanity,
we man’d out our long-boat, and 15, whereof I was one, went ashore,
carrying some Muskets and Swords with us, suspecting the worst: Landing,
they fled from us, but not without sending good store of poysoned arrows
& darts amongst us. It is no wonder that these people are so black, for
they live under the scorching fire of the torrid Zone. We returned to
our Ship, finding it no way safe to stay here longer; next morning
hoisting sail, we came to _Canavar_, where we met with people more
civil; whereupon we landed; and receiving things from the inhabitants of
considerable value, for toys and trifles we gave them in lieu, we
resolved to stay here a while. The better sort of these people are
called _Nairo’s_, whose heads are cover’d with a low tulipant, & their
middles with a party-coloured Plad, resembling a Scotch Plad: The poorer
sort have nothing but a small vail over their privities, wholly naked
elsewhere; which veil or flap the women in courtesie will turn aside,
and shew a man their _Pudenda_, by way of gratitude for any courtesie
received, as if they would render satisfaction with that, which could
never receive plenary satisfaction it self. They have a strange custom
in their Marriages, observed among them by the highest to the lowest:
who so marrieth, is not to have the first nights imbraces with his
Bride, but is very well contented to bestow her Maiden-head on the
_Bramini_, or Priests, who do not always enjoy it, being glutted with
such frequent offerings, and therefore will many times sell them to
strangers. Such a proffer I had once made me, and with shame I must
confess, I did accept it, forgetting those sacred vows I made in
_Newgate_, to live a more pious, strict and sober life. The Bride that
night, was plac’d in one of their Fanes, as is customary, the Priest or
_Bramin_ coming to her; but instead thereof, according to agreement
between this Priestly Paynim and my self, I went: I wondred to find her
so low of stature, but I did not much matter it then, minding something
else; which having performed, I departed. The next morning I had a great
desire to see her, but was amazed to see her so young, believing it
impossible (though I knew the contrary) a child (for I may so call her,
being but seven years of age) could be capable of mans reception at that
tender age. Afterwards, I was informed, it was usual for them to marry
so soon: first, being extreamly salacious and leacherous, and as fit,
nay, as prone to enjoy man at that age, as _Europæans_ at fourteen.
Next, they extreamly honour Wedlock, insomuch, that if any of their
children die whilst very young, they will hire some Maiden to be married
to him, and so lie with him the night after his decease. So soon as we
arrived (which is a custom they use to all strangers, of what Country
soever) we had presented us choice of many Virgins; our Boat-swain
chusing one he fancied for a small price, she guided him to a lodging,
where if he would have stayed so long, she would have performed his
domestick affairs, as well at board as bed, discharging her duty very
punctually: but he that undertakes any such thing, must be very wary
that he be not venereally familiar with any other woman, lest that she
with whom he hath contracted himself for such a time, doth recompence
his inconstancy with mortal poyson. At his departure, her wages must be
paid to her Parents, who returns then with much joy, and they receive
her with as much credit and ostentation. The chiefest among them hold it
a very great courtesie, if any one will save them the labour, pain &
trouble, by accepting the Hymeneal rites of his Bride. I should have
told the Reader, that the _Bramins_ are so much respected and esteemed
by the commonalty, that if any of them gets their wives or daughters
with child, they believe that off-spring to be much holier than their
own, being extracted from Pagan piety. Their Funerals they celebrate
after this manner: Bringing the dead corps near to their Fanes or
Churches, they consume it to ashes, by fire made of sweet smelling wood,
unto which they add costly perfumes in Aromatick gums and spices; If the
wife only (for here they will not hear of Polygamy) cast not herself
into the flames voluntarily, they look upon her to be some common
prostitute, having not any thing commendable in her natural disposition;
but if she freely commits her self to the flames, with her husbands
carcase, she from that noble act (for so it is esteemed of among these
infidels) derives to her memory, reputation and glory amongst her
surviving friends and kindred. They are deluded on to this resolution by
their _Bramins_, who perswade them by so doing, they shall enjoy variety
of perpetual pleasures, in a place that is never disturbed by alteration
of weather, wherein night is banisht, there being a continual spring;
neither is there wanting any thing that shall ravish each individual
sense. This was at first a stratagem invented by some long-headed
Politician, to divert them from murdering their husbands (which they
were frequently guilty of, by reason of their extream leachery and
insatiate venery) so by that means they were reduced to that good order,
as that they tender’d the preservation of their husbands healths and
lives equally with their own. For my part, I could wish the like custom
enjoyn’d on all married English females (for the love I bear to my own
Country) which I am confident would prevent the destruction of thousands
of well-meaning-Christians, which receive a full stop in the full career
of their lives, either by corrupting their bodies by venemous
medicaments administred by some pretended Doctors hand (it may be her
Stallion) unto which he is easily perswaded, by the good opinion he hath
of his wifes great care and affection for him: or else his body is
poysoned by sucking or drawing in the contagious fumes which proceed
from her contaminated body, occasioned by using pluralities for her
venereal satisfaction, and so dies of the new Consumption.

Or lastly, by pettish and petulant behaviour, she wearieth him of his
life, and at last is willing to die, that he may be freed, not only from
the clamorous noise of her tongue, but that the derision of his
neighbours, and scandal that she hath brought upon him, may not reach
his ears. That all such might be mindful of their duty, I would have
(were it at my disposing) these two lines fixt as a Motto to their

              _A Couchant Cuckold, and a rampant Wife,
              Are Cop’latives disjunctive all their life._

                               CHAP. LXX.

    _From _Delyn_ he sailed to _Zeyloon_; with what he there

The Isle of _Zeyloon_ is very famous, and not far distant from the Point
of _India_, called _Cape Comrein_; it abounds with all sorts of
odoriferous and Aromatical Spices; the people are Pagans, not owning a
Deity; some though have heard of Christ, and others of _Mahomet_, but
such are rarely to be found. They go naked, not compelled thereunto by
want or poverty, but meer heat of the Sun. They are great Idolaters,
worshipping things in monstrous shapes. On the top of a high Mountain,
they have set conspicuously the Idæa of an horrible _Caco-dæmon_, unto
which Pilgrims from remote parts do resort; and upon this account, a
King of _Zeyloon_ coming, once derided this Idol: another time,
intending to make a second repetition of his former derision, the King
was even frighted out of his wits; for not only he, but his attendants
all saw how this _Dæmon_ threatned him for so doing, by shaking a
flaming Cymeter, and rowling his fiery eyes: from his mouth gaping,
issued out fiery flames; whereat this King returns with as much
penitence as amazement, resolving by his due respect and worship for the
time to come, to make an atonement for his former errors. For my part,
had I not believed there was a Devil, the sight of this horrid monstrous
representation would have induc’d me into the belief that this was one
really. They have in another place a Chappel, in which they adore the
Devil (whom they call _Deumo_) the height whereof is about three yards,
and uncovered: the wooden entrance is engraven with hellish shapes;
within, their beloved Devil or _Deumo_ is enthronized on a brazen Mount:
From his head issue four great horns, his eyes of an indifferent
proportionable bigness, having somewhat a larger circumference than two
sawcers; his nose flat; a mouth like a portcullice, beautified with four
tusks, like Elephants teeth; his hands like claws, and his feet not
unlike a Monkeys; beside him stand lesser _Deumo_’s attending on this
grand _Pagod_, some whereof are represented or pictured devouring souls.
Every morning the Priest washeth them, not departing till he hath craved
their malediction; and when he takes his leave, he is very careful of
offending the Devil by shewing his posteriors, and therefore goes from
him retrograde, stedfastly fixing his eyes on the Idol. ’Tis strange
that a rational soul should be so much infatuated, as to adore such a
monstrous and ridiculous thing. The people in way of mutual love and
amity, use to exchange their wives; a thing, though much hated by the
jealous _Spaniard_, yet would be very acceptable to other _Europæans_,
or else to be rid of them altogether, who are the daily murderers of
their content and quiet. Polygamy, or plurality of Wives is here
permitted; and as the men are granted the liberty to have more than one
wife, so are the women allowed more than one husband. However, the woman
hath the disposal left her of her children, giving them to him she hath
the greatest affection for; which he receives, not questioning his
interest or right (by generation) unto the infant.

          _Elsewhere the Fates decreed a Cuckold’s lot,
          To keep that child another man begot;
          And by his joy therein he plainly shows,
          He thanks the man that pay’d those debts he owes:
          But these _She-Blacks_ in justice thought it fit,
          That he which got the child, likewise keep it:
          Therefore both love and custom made it so,
          On the true Father they the child bestow:
          By which good Law unto each man ’tis known,
          That he doth keep no other child but’s own.
          Were this observ’d in _England_, I durst swear,
          Some _what-d’ye-lacks_ would Heirs to Lords appear;
          And half of what some own, must be conferr’d
          On such who have a Fathers name deserv’d.
          These _Blacks_ do tax our women, for they paint
          The Devil white, and make him seem a Saint;
          To let them know, they are far greater evils;
          For fairest females oft are foulest Devils._

We stayed not long here, but having dispatcht what we came for, we
sailed along the coast of _Choromandel_, and landed at Meliapor. The
people are much after the same complexion of those of _Delyn_, only a
little more duskie, and go in a manner naked, too. Here are likewise
great store of _Bramins_, who are very busie and industrious to instruct
these poor ignorant souls in the perfect way to damnation; for which
they have the honour and estimation of all conferred upon them. We man’d
out our long-boat and went ashore; upon our landing, it was our hap to
be eye-witnesses of one of their Funerals, which was performed after
this manner. The husband was carried before the combustible Pile; his
most dearly loving wife closely following after, attended by her Parents
& children; musick (such as they have, which I cannot compare to that of
the Spheres) playing before, behind, and on each side of her. She was
drest both neatly & sumptuously, to the height of the rudeness of their
art; her head, neck, and arms (not omitting her nose, legs, & toes) each
bedeckt and charged with Bracelets of silver, with jewels every where
about her distributed: She carried flowers in her hands, which she
disposed of to those the met. The Priests going backwards before her,
shewed her a magical glass, which represented to her sight whatever
might be pleasing to her sensual appetite. The _Bramin_ all along
inculcating to her thoughts, the sense-ravishing and affable joys she
shall possess after her decease; at which this poor deluded soul smiled,
and seemed to be much transported. We followed them till they came to
the fire, which was made of sweet odoriferous wood. As soon as her dead
husband was committed to the flames, she voluntarily leapt in after him,
incorporating her self with the fire and his ashes: we wondred that the
standers-by would permit her thus to destroy her self, imagining this
rash action proceeded from the ardency of her affection; but perceiving
her friends to throw in after her, jewels and many precious things, with
much exultation and expressions of joy, we concluded this to be the
effects of custom. Such as refuse to burn in this manner, are
immediately shaven, & are hourly in danger to be murdered by their own
issue or kindred, looking upon them as strumpets: and indeed many of
them are so audaciously impudent, that upon the least distaste, or not
having their luxurious expectations answered, nothing more intended or
indeavoured than the lives of their husbands. They are in these parts so
extreamly idolatrous, and so over-swayed by the Devil, that they adore a
great Idol made of Copper gilded, whose statue is carried up and down,
mounted on a glorious Charriot, with eight very large wheels overlayed
with gold; the ascent or steps to the charriot are very large &
capacious, on which sit the Priests, attended by little young girles,
who for devotion sake, prostitute themselves freely to the heat of any
libidinous spectator; for so doing, they are intitled the _Pagodes_
children: A very strange zeal in their bewitched or besotted Parents, to
destinate the off-spring of their bodies, from their non-age, to such an
abominable liberty; for by letting them know the use of Man so soon, it
cannot but be very prejudicial to their bodies, but also invest them
with the thoughts of perpetual whoring: For, that woman that shall admit
of more than one to her private imbraces, will admit of any upon the
like account. Nay, such is their blind zeal and superstition, that as
the Charriot passeth, some will voluntarily throw themselves under the
wheels, who are crusht in pieces by the weight of the Idol and its
attendants, suffering death without the benefit of a happy (but to them
unhappy) Martyrdom.

                              CHAP. LXXI.

    _From _Zeyloon_, he arrived at _Syam_; and what there he saw
        and observed._

_Syam_ is a Kingdom contiguous to _Pegu_, a part of the _East-Indies_;
And, as the people are included within the burning Zone, therefore far
from being fair; yet are tall of stature, very strong and valiant, and
generally so strait, that few are found among them crooked. Formerly
they were much given to _Sodomy_: to prevent which, ’twas wisely
ordered, (though strangely) that the males as soon as born, should have
a bell of gold (and in it a dry’d Adders tongue) put through the prepuce
and flesh. When the desire of copulation stimulates any of them, he
presents himself to some expert Midwives, who advise him to drink
_Opium_, or some such somniferous potion; which having done in their
presence, he falls asleep; during which interval, they remove the bell,
and apply to the orifice from whence it was taken, an unguent, which
affords a speedy cure: then is he free to make use of such as his fancy
leads him to. The young Girls are served in a worse manner; for as soon
as born, their _Pudenda_ is sowed up, and only a small _foramen_, or
passage left, as an _aquaduct_: about eight or nine she is unstitcht; &
it is as great a rarity, to finde a pure Virgin here at ten years old,
as to finde a Maid at sixteen, in most places of _France_, or its
neighbouring Countreys. And that these young leacherous Fry maybe
capable of that employment they are destinated unto, they have potions
given them to drink which have the efficacious power as to distend their
_muliebria_ to such a capacity, as that (if their bells were not
withdrawn) their males would finde too easie an entrance. The women here
(still the more to allure the men from that detestable & unnatural act
of _Sodomy_) go naked; (as little a novelty in these parts, as for
_Irish_ and _Scotch_ to wash their cloaths with their feet, their coats,
smock and all tuckt up about their middles, though twenty men stand by
as (deriding) spectators): I say, they go naked to their middles, where
the better sort are covered with a fine transparent Taffata or dainty
Lawn, which by a cunning device is so made to open, that as they pass
along, the least air discovers all, to all mens immodest views. Their
Priest, which they call _Tallapoi_, are seeming very zealously
superstitious: they somewhat incline to Mahometanism; for they pretend
they will not drink wine, being forbidden it by their Law, yet are
abominable hypocrites: for, though they wear a sheep-skin with the wool
thereon, not suffering any hair to be on their bodies, and in shew lead
a chaste life, yet I found the contrary; as you shall understand by what
past between one of them and my self. I being on shore with our Ships
crew, I chanc’d to walk abroad, carrying with me a bottle of
_Spanish_-wine: As I entred into a Wood, intending not to adventure too
far, there came to me one of these _Tallapoi_ or Priests, in the habit
aforesaid, with a horn about his neck, resembling a Sowgelder’s, but
much less; with which, I was told, they, with the sound thereof, used to
convene the people to hear them preach. This holy Infidel espying me,
blest himself, (as I guest by his gesture) & approaching near me, I
imagined that he prayed for me, by the elevation of his eyes and hands:
as a requital, I proffered him some of my wine; and having tasted
thereof, lik’d it so well, that by signs, I understood he desired his
horn full of me: to tell you the truth, I lik’d it so well myself, that
I had no desire to part with one drop more of it; but his importunities
so far prevailed, that I granted his request; which having obtained, he
made no more ado but drank it off, making but one gulp thereof; a thing
contrary to the strictness of his profession. After this, he seemed to
bless me, and so departed. It was but a little while, before he again
presented himself to my view; and beckoning to me, I followed him;
coming close up to him, he pointed with his finger to a place, where
covertly I espy’d three Maidens (as I supposed) to whom he by signs
perswaded me to go. Sitting down amongst them, they entertained me with
as much civility as they were endued withall, and courted me after their
amorous fashion. One of these was the handsomest that I had seen in
those parts; though not to be compared, for form of face, with the
homeliest Kitchin-stuff-wench in _London_. I dallied with her so long,
till that lust conquer’d my fancy; attempting something, and being in a
fair way to it, this _Satyr Goat-Devil_, (I can’t invent a name bad
enough to call him by) presently falls down upon us; and taking me thus
unawares, lying on my belly, I was not able to help my self, that he had
like to have performed his business; and questionless had effected it,
but that the two Maidens standing by (no ways ashamed at this most
shameful sight) assisted me, pulling him off. I presently started up, &
seized him; and tripping up his heels, I laid him on his back: having so
done, I bound him; then taking out my knife, I could not find in my
heart to spare him one inch; and that he might not have any witnesses
left of what was done, I took away his testicles too. The three young
Girles fled, fearing my rage and revenge might have extended to them:
And fearing my self, that they would give information of what I had
done, I fled too to my Ships-Comerades; and giving them account of what
had happened, we all judged it the safest way to go aboard; and so we
did, with all expedition possible.

                              CHAP. LXXII.

    _From hence he sails to _Do-Cerne_, so called by the
        _Portugals_; who _Adam_-like, give (or, as I may say,
        take too much liberty) in imposing names on all new
        places, and things. By the _Hollanders_, it is called
        _Mauritius_. Its general Description._

_Do-Cerne_ or _Mauritius_, is an Isle situate within the torrid Zone,
close by the Tropick of _Capricorn_; but it is very uncertain unto what
part of the world it belongs, participating both of _America_, and
bending towards the _Asiatick_ Seas, from _India_ to _Java_. This Isle
aboundeth with what the use of man shall require. The landing looking
out at Sea, is Mountainous: the circuit of this Island is about an
hundred miles; it procreates an healthy and nourishing air; the great
quantity of ever-flourishing & fragrant trees, doth no less lenifie the
burning heat, when the Sun enters into _Capricorn_, as helped by the
sweet mollifying breath of the North-west winde, when _Sol_ again
adheres to _Cancer_. Now as the temperature of that body is best
composed, that participates indifferently of all the Elements, which
either super-abounding or wanting, begets defect; What then is the
temperature of this place, which is blest with, & abounds in all, &
abortive in none? Water is here very plentiful, drilling it self from
the high rocks & trickling down into the valleys, spreads it self into
various Meanders, till those sweet and pleasant waters disembogue
themselves into the lap of the salt Ocean. There is so great a quantity
of wood, that we could hardly procure passage. But of those many various
Trees, we found none so beneficial to us, as the _Palmeto_: this Tree is
long, streight, & very soft, having neither leaves, boughs, nor
branches, save at the top, whereon there is a soft pith, wherein
consists the sole vegetative of that Tree; which cut out, the _Palmeto_
in a very short time expires. Its taste is much like a kernel of an
Hazel-nut; boiled, it is like Cabbage. But the chiefest commodity that
this Tree produceth, is the wine which issueth from it, pleasant, & as
nourishing as Muskadine or Alligant. Thus we procured some thereof;
coming where two or three grew together, with an augure we bored some
small holes in each, which immediately the liquor filled; then with a
small cane or quill we suckt the wine out of one Tree; then we went to
another, and from that to the third: by that time we had drained the
last, the holes in the two former were full again. This course we
followed so smartly, that in less than an hour, three of us were so
drunk (whereof I was none of the soberest) that had not these Trees been
near the shore, for ought I know, by the morning we might have feasted
the wilde beasts. Divers other Trees there be, strange both in shape and
nature; one whereof (meerly out of curiosity) I must needs taste, which
for half an hour so bit or stung my tongue, as if I had had my mouth
full of Vitriol, or spirit of Salt. It is a comely tree to look on, but
brings forth not any thing that is good: this Tree is in a manner naked
too, and the body thereof as soft & penetrable, as new Cheese: the form
of the Tree, its uselessness, with that hidden sting it carries in it,
together with its softness; the last of which, invites me to cut these
lines therein; which my knife as easily performed, as to write a mans
name with a stick on the sand. The lines were these:

           _Th’art like a Woman, but thou want’st her breath;
           Who’s fair, but fruitless, and will sting to death
           If tasted: would I could blast thee with my curse,
           Since woman thou art like, for nothing’s worse._

There is another Tree, which beareth a cod full of sharp prickles,
wherein lies hid a round fruit, in form of a Doves-egg; crack it, and
therein contain’d you shall finde a kernel, pleasant in taste, but
poysonous in its operation. My sweet tooth long’d for a taste, and being
very toothsome I did eat several; but it was not long ere my guts were
all in an uproar, & were resolved in this mutiny, could they have found
way, to charge my mouth with high treason against the rest of my
Members; but they were at last content only to discharge their fury
through the Postern of their Microcosm; which they did so furiously,
that I was much afraid, my guts having spent all their shot, they would
have marcht out after. I had (in plain English) in less than six hours
sixty stools, besides purging upwards; and had not we had a very skilful
Dr. Chyrurgeon of our Ship, I had unavoidably perisht. Nature in this
Island shew’d her prodigality of water and wood, corresponding also in
everything else a fruitful Mother labours to be excellent in. Here she
seems to boast, not only in the variety of feather’d creatures, but in
the rareness of that variety, which should I run over but briefly, the
subject is so large, that by some I cannot but be thought too tedious.
However, I shall lightly touch thereon. Here, and here only is generated
the _Dodo_; for rareness of shape contending with the _Arabian Phœnix_;
her body is round and very fat, the least whereof, commonly weighs above
twenty pound: They please the sight more than the appetite, for their
flesh is of no nourishment, and very offensive to the stomach. By her
visage (darting forth melancholy) she seems to be sensible of that
injury Nature hath done her, in framing so great a body, and yet
useless, but to please the eye; committing its guidance to complemental
wings (for so I’m forc’d to call them) since they are so small and
impotent, that they only serve to prove her an off-spring of the winged
Tribe. Here are Bats also, as large as Goshawks. There is likewise great
plenty of Fish; among the rest of more especial note, is the Cow-fish;
the head thereof not unlike an Elephants, her eyes are small, her body
at full growth about three yards long, and one broad; her fins exceeding
little, her flesh (being an amphibious creature, living as well at Land,
sometimes, as in the Sea) doth taste much like Veal. Some say that this
Fish doth affect, and takes much delight in the sight of a mans visage.
About this Island are flying fish, Dolphins, and Sharks. One of our men
imprudently swimming one day, the weather being very hot, in our sight a
Shark came and bit off his leg, and part of his thigh, and he thereupon
sunk; we made out to save him, but before we came, he was drowned. Here
are Tortoises so great, that they will creep with two mens burdens on
their backs; but their pace is so slow, that they would make but ill
Porters, going not above ten yards in two hours, when they make their
greatest speed. The birds here are so unaccustomed to frights, that I
have shot five or six times amongst a flock, letting the dead still lie,
and not one of the surviving did so much as offer to flie. The Goats
here have more of the Politician in them; for they seldom feed or rest
themselves, but they set out their sentinels.

                             CHAP. LXXIII.

    _Hence he sailed for _Bantam_; by the way he recounts the
        danger he had like to have sustained, by ascending a
        _burning Mountain_._

Weighing Anchor, we steer’d our course for _Bantam_; but being much
straitned by the way, for want of fresh water, we were compell’d to make
up to the first Land we descry’d. Though the darkness of the night
blinded our eyes from such discoveries, yet flames of fire not far
distant from us, gave us perfect intelligence that land was not far off.
That night we cast Anchor, fearing we might run foul of some rock or
shelf: In the morning we saw a large track of Land before us, not
knowing what place it should be. Our Captain commanded the Long-boat to
be man’d out, to procure water, if any good were there: amongst the
rest, I went for one; for I was very greedy to observe novelties. Coming
on shore, and seeing this Hill now and then belch out flames, by my
perswasions I made my fellows forget for a time their duty or errand
they came about, to make some inquisition into this _miracle_ of Nature.
Whereupon we all resolved unanimously to ascend the Hill, and with much
difficulty we came so nigh the top, that we heard a most hideous noise
proceeding from the Concave thereof: so terrible it was, that we now
began to condemn our rash attempt, and stood at a convenient distance,
judging it the only _medium_ of our safety. Whilst we were thus in a
_delirium_, not knowing what was the best to be done; the Mountain was
instantly possest with an _Ague-fit_, and afterwards vomiting up smoak
and stones into the Air (which afterwards fell down in a shower upon our
heads) we thought we could not escape without a miracle: and whilst we
were all striving which way, with greatest expedition, we might eschew
the danger, there rose in the midst of us such an heap of earth, ashes,
and fire, with such kinde of combustible matter, as that we all seem’d
as so many _moveable burning Beacons_: and without any thoughts of
helping each other, every one endeavoured to secure himself. And
although I was the last in the company, yet in this expedition it was
much available to me; for my companions making more haste than good
speed, tumbling down the Hill before me, fell several of them together;
which _blocks_ lying in my way, obstructed my passage, & so sav’d the
breaking of my neck, which otherwise would have been inevitable. In this
prodigious conflict, most of us lost the hair of our heads, not without
receiving several _batteries_ upon the _Out-works_ of our bodies. At
first sight we were much afraid; but the consequence made it appear, we
were not more afraid than hurt. We made a shift to crawl down the rest
of the way; and having fixt our unadvised feet on the bottom of the
Mountain, we resolv’d we would never again pay so dearly for our
curiosity, but forthwith went in search of some Spring, that might serve
as well to quench our cloathes, as our thirst. What we sought for we
quickly found; and so filling our empty Cask, we made what haste we
could aboard. The Captain and the rest stood amaz’d to see us look so
ghastly, and were very impatient to know what was the matter with us; we
told them succinctly what had happened, and what great dangers we
underwent: instead of pitying us, they only laught at us for being such
adventurous fools. Having thus furnished our selves with what we wanted,
we set sail again for _Bantam_; where we safely arriv’d in a short time.

                              CHAP. LXXIV.

    _Going ashore to _Bantam_, and observing the Merchants what
        they did, taking up Goods upon credit (as it is usual in
        those parts) till the ship is ready to set sail, he by a
        stratagem turns Merchant too, and cheats a _Banyan_, or

As soon as we came into the Harbour before _Bantam_, we presently man’d
out our Long-boat and went ashore, to acquaint the _President_ what we
were, and by what authority we came thither to Traffick, being impowered
by the _East-India_ Company. We were received with much demonstrations
of joy, and nobly feasted for three dayes together. Here note, that the
house wherein the _President_ dwelleth, is the receptacle for the whole
Factory, each man according to his quality having a dwelling within this
house suitable to his dignity; the Factors all in general taking their
daily repast with the _President_. In a weeks time I learned by
observation the custom of the Country, and manner or way of Trading, our
Merchant taking up Goods daily, and sending them aboard without giving
present satisfaction; it being sufficient that he belonged to such a
Ship, and therefore must pay before he go, otherwise the King will
arrest the Ship, compelling him to make restitution or payment. One time
I met with a _Bannyan_, whom I observ’d to have a box full of precious
stones: I could not sleep for thinking how I should make my self a
Partner with him. At last I hammer’d out this invention: I cloath’d my
self in _Indian_-silk, according to the custom of the Country; & having
so done, I discoloured my face, & clapt a black patch upon one of my
eyes. In this equipage I addrest my self to this _Bannyan_, who
presently laid open his treasure to my view. I was not long in chusing
what I esteem’d as most valuable; & demanding of him the price, we
agreed he should have either so many pieces of English gold within two
dayes, or else take his choice of what commodities I had aboard. We made
a shift to understand each others broken expressions; and he without the
least suspicion of my treachery, delivered his stones into my hands.
Taking off my disguise, I went instantly aboard, & hid what I had
cheated the _Bannyan_ of (as I might easily do, for the smallness of its
bulk) in the Hold of our Ship, resolving not to go ashore yet awhile.
The day of payment being come, & the _Bannyan_ no where finding me on
Land, came aboard of our Ship, where by signs he made known to our
Captain his errand; that a Merchant belonging to his Ship, had bought
commodities of him, & promised to pay him on that day. Our Captain
reply’d, that he verily believed he was mistaken (as knowing what
commodities the Merchants belonging properly to the Ship had bought) and
therefore told him he must make inquiry elsewhere for satisfaction. The
_Bannyan_ still persisted, alleadging he was not mistaken, and that he
was confident if he might have a sight of all the men, he could out of
them select the concern’d person. So wary I was of being discovered,
that I acquainted not one soul with my project: for had I committed this
secret to any, (though ever so dear a friend) it had been mine no
longer; neither could I have promised to my self safety. Hereupon the
Captain ordered us to be all call’d aloft: which was speedily performed.
He went all round the company, viewing every man particularly, and very
heedfully. At last he came to me, & there made a stand, (which had like
to have made my heart start out of my breast:) he lookt upon me on this
side, and on the other side; and to say truly, on every side: and having
thorowly eyed me, he ran to our Captain, saying, That should be the man
(pointing to me) but that he is a _white man_, & hath _two sees_ (_id
est_) two eyes. Whereupon I was strictly examined: but for all this
sifting, I would not let drop any thing of a confession, that should
convict me of guilt; but with lifting up hands and eyes to Heaven, I
utterly denyed that ere I saw this man, or ever had any dealing with
him. I had now forgot what promises and vows I made to Heaven, (when in
_Newgate_, and sentenced to be hang’d at _Tyburn_) what a serious,
pious, and honest life I would lead, if I escaped that eminent danger
the concerns of this life and that to come were then in. Herein I see
the old Proverb verified:

              _Quo semel est imbuta recens servabit odorem
              Testa, diu_, &c....

              That Cask will savour of that liquor still,
              With which at first the Cask a man did fill.

Or according to that thred-bare expression so commonly used:

           _Naturam expellas furca, licet usque recurret._

           Though man should stop his nature from its course,
           It will o’reflow again with greater force.

In short, the _Bannyan_, since he could not say positively I was the
man, was dismist, not without a solemn vow he would be revenged of us
all in general; and clear’d of the Indictment.

                              CHAP. LXXV.

    _The next going ashore of the Sea-men, this _Bannyan_ (for
        the injury was done him) caused a _Running_ a _Muck_,
        that is, he instigated a great many people to kill
        all they met of that ship. The loss of several men
        thereupon: but he is out of danger, having cunningly
        kept himself aboard that time. He afterwards had like to
        have been killed by a _Crease_ the _Bannyan_ had hired
        for that purpose. His enemies being destroyed, he
        marrieth an _Indian Punce-woman_._

The next day, a great many of our men went ashore; and going into
_China-row_, (a street so called in _Bantam_) to drink Punce and Tea, a
great crew of Indians and Chineses (headed by this _Bannyan_) fell upon
them, killing whom they could, (not directing their revenge upon any
particular person, which they call a _Muck_:) so hot and sharp was this
Conflict, that many were killed on both sides, but more wounded. This
accident alarm’d the whole town, but most especially the English there
resident: but at last, with much ado, this grand uproar was calmed. It
was my good fortune, that I was not then among them, otherwise I might
have been made a sacrifice among the rest of my fellows. But I was
fore-warn’d, having been pre-inform’d that such broyls are usual upon
such occasions; wherefore I kept my self out of harms way for that time.

But not long after, thinking their malice blown over, I went ashore; and
walking with others of our Boats-crew in the same _Row_, (where most of
our men were us’d to resort, because of the liquor that was there to be
had, and a Whore to boot) a fellow came to me, with this _Bannyan_ I
cheated, and both of them with _Creases_, (a kind of Dagger of about a
foot and half long) would have stab’d me, had not my friends prevented
them, by striking up their heels, and afterwards with their own
_Creases_ stab’d them to the heart. After this, we could walk very
quietly without any disturbance, going any where without any danger.

Being very hot there, our usual pastime was to go up a little small
River (joyning to the Town) four or five miles to wash our selves: the
trees so covered it over like an Arbor, that the beams of the Sun could
not penetrate it; by which means it was fine and cool, which very much
refresht our parched bodies. I never came ashore, but I drank very
immoderately of _Punce_, _Rack_, _Tea_, &c. which was brought up in
great China-Jugs holding at least two Quarts: with every such Jug there
was brought in a Dish of Sweetmeats, not of one sort, but variety, and
excellent good, for which we paid a shilling English: and if you call’d
for another Jug, you paid no more, unless a Dish usher’d it in.

One house especially I much frequented, for the Indian womans sake that
kept it: for though she was black, or rather tawny, yet she was
well-featur’d and well-form’d, having long black hair (when she unty’d
the tresses) hanging down to her legs. She from the first shewed me as
much kindness as could be expected from that lump of Barbarism: and I
could discerne her inclinations, (in the same manner as a man may from
beasts, when they are prone to Generation) but yet it went against my
stomack to yield to her motions. However, she continued her love to me,
not letting me pay for anything I call’d for: and when there was no
necessity of being aboard, she would in a manner make me lie in her
house, (which, as their houses commonly are, had but one story:) the
beds they use are a kinde of Quilt, hard; for were they soft, the
hotness of the Climate would cause them to be very destructive to mans
body, even melting his very reins. Gold and Jewels she had great
quantity, with an house richly furnished after the Indian fashion. For
this consideration, I perswaded myself to marry her; and with several
arguments alleaged, I gained so much conquest over myself, that I could
kiss her without disgorging myself: and by accustoming my self to her
company, methought I began to take some delight in it. By degrees,
interest so over-power’d me, that I resolv’d to marry her. Thus many
(nay most) for Money, stick not to give themselves to the Devil. Having
one night (lying there) seriously considered of my resolution, and
liking it indifferent well, I fell asleep; but wonder’d when I awaked,
to see a thing lie by me _all black_, as if she had had a _Mourning
smock_ on. It seems she could hold out no longer: I pretended to flee
from her; but she held me fast in her arms, using what rhetorick she
could to perswade me to the contrary. I ask’d her what she meant? She
told me in a little broken English she had got, that she would _Money
me_; marry me, she meant: I, Money me, said I, that I like well; but
without it, let the Devil have married her for me. I ask’d her several
questions, to which she gave me satisfaction; and enjoyn’d her several
things, which she greedily condescended to: whereupon I gave her the
first-fruits of her desires. But ere I go farther, take something of my
Ryming fancie with you.

                              CHAP. LXXVI.

    _He descants on his Marrying, and lying with an
        Indian-Black: Gives wholsome Advice to others; and
        concludes for this time._

        _At the first sight, her head seem’d in a _Case_,
        Or that a _Vizard-mask_ had hid her face,
        Or that she was some _Friend_ from hell had stole,
        Having for Lust been _burnt_ there to a _cole_.
        I could not tell what this foul thing should be:
        A _Succubus_ it did appear to me;
        A damn’d _black_ soul, that was by heaven sent,
        To make me of my _blacker_ crimes repent.
        I started from her, being much amaz’d:
        The more I was afraid, the more I gaz’d.
        Then she arose, and caught me in her arm;
        Such soft flesh sure intended me no harm.
        ’Twas time to roar, since that I could not tell,
        But that I was _encircled_ (now) by _Hell_.
        Stay, stay, (said she) I am no _hellish fiend_,
        I’m flesh and blood, and am thy loving friend:
        If my complexion do not please thy minde,
        Then close thine eyes, yet love: _Thus love is blinde_.
        I understood her tongue, and streight did swear
        That I would banish this my causless fear;
        And so betook myself unto the _Rug_
        On which we lay, and after many a _Tug_,
        I plighted _faith_ with this kinde _Infidel_;
        But what we did, my modest tongue won’t tell.
        I would at any time (might I but chuse)
        The _fairest White_ for this same _Black_ refuse.
        But mischief on’t, let me _shoot_ e’re so right,
        It can’t be said that I did hit the _White_._

Interest so blinded my reason, that I went instantly to my Captain, and
gave him information of my proceedings, desiring his consent in the
marrying this Indian, alleadging how advantagious it would be to me. He
granted my request, upon my earnest importunity; and being dismist from
his service, we were married according to the Ceremonies of the Church
by an English Priest, she renouncing her Paganism. What money was got by
my wifes Trade, I laid out in such Commodities the Country afforded, as
Callico’s, Pepper, Indico, Green-Ginger, _&c._ and sold them immediately
to the Ships lying in the Harbour, doubling what I laid out: so that in
short time I found my stock to increase beyond expectation: such
satisfaction my Black received from me, that she thought she could not
do enough to please me. I was an absolute Monarch in my family; she and
her servants willingly condescended to be my vassals: yet though I thus
enjoy’d the prerogative of an husband, yet I did not Lord it too much;
which won so much upon my wifes affection, and those that were concern’d
with her, that as soon as I desired any thing, it was immediately
performed, with much alacrity and expedition.

I fancy’d my life to be now as happy as the world could make it, having
plenty of every thing, & not control’d by the foolish self-will of an
obstinate woman. I confess it was at first a great regret to my spirit,
to lie by a woman so contrary to my own complexion: but Custom made her
become in process of time as lovely in my eye, as if she had been the
compleatest European beauty. I now again considered how he must live,
that intends to live well; & upon that consideration, concluded upon
this resolution, Not to neglect my duty to Heaven, my Self, or
Neighbors: for he that fails in any of these, falls short in making his
life commendable. For our Selves, we need Order; for our Neighbor,
Charity; and for the Deity, Reverence and Humility. These three duties
are so concatenated, that he which liveth orderly, cannot but be
acceptable to his Maker and the World. Nothing jars the Worlds harmony
more, than men that break their ranks; and nothing renders Man more
contemned and hated, than he whose actions onely tend to irregularity.
One turbulent spirit will even dissentiate the calmest Kingdom: so did
my past unruly and disorderly life ruine my self, as well as many
families. I have seen an Orthodox Minister in his Pulpit with his
congregation about him; and since revolving in my minde the comeliness
of that well-ordered sight, I have thought within my self how mad he
would appear, that should wildly dance out of his room. Such is man when
he spurns at the Law he liveth under; and such was I, that could not be
contain’d within due limits, living like the Drone on others labors;
taking no pains, but onely making a humming noise in the world, till
Justice seiz’d me for a wandring, idle, and hurtful vagabond, (an
_ignavum pecus_) and so had like to thrust me out of the world, the Hive
of industrious Bees.

Ill company at first misled me, and it is to be feared by my example
others have been misled. For he that giveth himself leave to transgress,
he must needs put others out of the way. Experience giveth us to
understand, that he which first disorders himself, troubles all the
company. Would every man keep his own life, what a concord in Musick
would every family be! It shall be my own endeavor to do this, and my
cordial advice to others to do the like.

Doubtless he that performeth his duty to Heaven, shall finde such a
peace within, that shall fit him for whatsoever falls. He shall not fear
himself, because he knoweth his course is order: he shall not fear the
World, because he knoweth he hath done nothing that hath anger’d it: he
shall not be afraid of Heaven, for he knoweth he shall there finde the
favour of a servant, nay more, a Son, and be protected against the
malice of Hell.

I know I shall be lookt on no otherwise than an Hypocrite; neither will
the world believe my reformation real, since I have lived so notoriously
and loosly. Let a man do well an hundred times, it may be he shall for a
short time be remembred and applauded; whereas if he doth evilly but
once, he shall be ever condemned, and never forgot. However, let me live
well, and I care not though the world should flout my innocence, and
call me dissembler: it is no matter if I suffer the worst of censorious
reproaches, so that I get to Heaven at last: to the attaining of which,
the best counsel I can give my self and others is, _Bene vive,
ordinabiliter tibi, sociabiliter Proximo, & humiliter Deo_: Live well,
orderly to thy self, sociably to thy Neighbour, and humbly to thy Maker.

Take this as wholesome advice, though from an ill liver, which hath been
in part discovered in the foregoing Discourse; wherein I have
endeavoured, by drawing up a List of my own evil actions, to frighten
others from the commission of the like. For as there is no company so
savagely bad, but a wise man may from it learn something to make himself
better: so there is no Book so poorly furnished, out of which a man may
not gather something for his benefit. Herein I have not minded so much
words, as the matter; aiming at nothing more then how I might compleatly
limn Vice in her proper ugly shape: having done that, I have done what I
intended, The reformation of others by my wicked example. For Vice is of
such a Toady complexion, so ill shap’d & deform’d, that she cannot chuse
but teach the soul to hate; so loathsome when she is seen in her own
nasty dress, that we cannot look upon her but with detestation and
horrour. Vice was cunning and curiously painted when I fell into her
scabbed embraces; neither could I have ever known her foulness and
rottenness, had I not tried whether her (seeming) fairness and soundness
were real. Believe me, she is no ways that she appears to be; therefore
be not deluded by her: but let my Life be to the Reader, as a friend
fal’n into a pit, that gives warning to another to avoid the danger. So
admirably hath Providence disposed of the ways of man, that even the
sight of Vice in others, is like a Warning-arrow shot for us to take
heed. Vice usually in her greatest bravery, publisheth her self
foolishly, thinking thereby to procure a Train; and then it is, that the
secret working of Conscience makes her turn her weapons against herself,
and strongly plead for her implacable adversary Vertue. We are
frequently wrought to good by contraries; and foul acts keep Vertue from
the charms of Vice. An ancient Poet writ well to this purpose, thus:

           _... Insuevit Pater optimus hoc me,
           Ut fugerem exemplis vitiorum quæq; notando.
           Quum me hortaretur parce, frugaliter, atq;
           Viverem uti contentus ea, qtiod mi ipse parasset:
           Nonne vides Albi ut male vivat filius? utq;
           Barrusinops? Magnum documentum nepatriamrem
           Perdere quis vellit. A turpi Meretricis amore
           Quum deterreret, Sectani dissimilis sis._
                                                 _... Sic me
           Formabat puerum dictis...._

           ... Thus my best father taught
           Me to flee Vice, by noting those were naught.
           When he would charge me, Thrive, & sparing be,
           Content with what he had prepar’d for me;
           Seest not how ill young _Albus_ lives? how low
           Poor _Barrus_? Sure, a weighty _Item_ how
           One spent his means. And when he meant to strike
           A hate to Whores, To _Sectan_ be not like.
                                        ... Thus me a childe
           He with his precepts fashion’d....

There is no better way to correct faults in our selves, than by
observing how uncomely they appear in others. After a fit of
drunkenness, my conscience would usually accuse me, & many times, after
convictment, would pass so severe a sentence of condemnation on me, that
my own hands have oftentimes been like to prove my Executioners.
Considering within my self what should be the cause of this trouble and
self-loathing, I found it proceeded from no other reason than the
observation of others in the like beastly condition, & how noisom it
hath rendred them to all. The first thing that made me abhor a Cholerick
passion, and a fawcy pride in my self, (of which I was too guilty) was
the seeing how ridiculous and contemptible they rendred those that are
infested with them. Besides, those that are thorowly experienc’d in
navigation, do as well know the coasts as the Ocean; as well the sands,
the shallows, & the rocks, as the secured depth in the most dangerless
channel: so I think those that would arrive to as much perfection as
they are capable of enjoying here, must as well know bad, that they may
abtrude or shun it; as the good, that they may embrace it. And this
knowledge we can neither have so cheap, nor so certain, as by seeing it
in others: for under a Crown you may buy the whole experience of a mans
Life, (as of mine) which cost some thousands; though me no more hundreds
than what I borrowed of the world, having of mine own nothing
originally. If we could pass the world without meeting _Vice_, then the
knowledge of Vertue onely were sufficient: but it is impossible to live,
and not encounter her. Vice is as a god in this world: for as she ruleth
almost incontrollably, so she assumes to her self ubiquity; we cannot go
any where, but that she presents her self to the eye, _&c._ If any be
unwittingly cast thereon, let him observe for his own more safe
direction. He is happy, that makes another mans vices steps for him to
climb to his eternal rest by. The wife Physitians make poyson
medicinable; and even the Mud of the world, by the industrious (yet
ingrateful) _Hollander_, is turned to an useful fuel.

If (Reader) then thou lightst here on any thing that is bad, by
considering the sorded stains, either correct those faults thou hast, or
shun those thou mightest have. That Mariner which hath Sea-room, can
make any wind almost serve to set him forwards in his wished voyage: so
may a wise man take any advantage to set himself forward to the haven of
Vertue. Man, assoon as created, had two great suiters for his life and
soul; the one Vertue, and the other Vice: Vertue came in this manner,
and thus attended; Truth ran before her naked, yet couragious; after her
followed Labour, Cold, Hunger, Thirst, Care and Vigilance; these poorly
arrayed, as looking upon it unseemly to go finer than their Mistriss,
who was plainly & meanly clad, yet cleanly, & her countenance shew’d
such a self-perfection, that she might very well emblem whatsoever
Omnipotency could make most rare. Modest she was, and so lovely, that
whosoever lookt on her stedfastly, could not but insoul himself in her.
After her followed Content, enricht with Jewels, and overspread with
Perfumes, carrying with her all the treasure and massie riches of the
world. Then came Joy, with all essential pleasures: Honour, with all the
ancient Orders of Nobility, Scepters, Thrones, and Crowns Imperial.
Lastly, Glory, whose brightness was such, (which she shook from her
Sunny tresses) that it dazled the eyes of her beholders, so that they
could never truly describe her. In the rear came Eternity casting a ring
about them, which like a strong Inchantment made them ever the same.
Vice strove not to be behind-hand with Vertue; wherefore she sets out
too, and in this form: Her precursor or fore-runner was Lying, a painted
houswife, of a smooth, insinuating, and deluding tongue, gaudily clad
all in changeable: but under her vestments she was full of scabs and
loathsome ulcers. Her words seem’d exceeding pleasant, promising to all
she met whatsoever could be wisht for, in the behalf of her Mistress
Vice. On this hypocritical Quean Wit waited: next him, a Conceited
fellow, and one that over-swayed the Fancie of man with his pretty
tricks and gambals. Sloth and Luxury followed these, so full, that they
were even ready to be choaked with their own fat. After these, followed
some Impostors, to personate Content, Joy, and Honour, in all their
wealth and Royal dignities. Close after these, Vice came her self,
sumptuously apparel’d, but yet a nasty surfeited slut; her breath being
so infectious that he which kiss’d her was sure to perish. After her
followed suddenly Guilt, Horror, Shame, Loss, Want, Sorrow, Torment; and
these were charmed with Eternity’s Ring, as the former. And thus they
wooed fond Man, who taken with the subtile cozenages of Vice, yielded to
lie with her; whereby he had his Nature so empoysoned, that his seed was
all vitiated and contaminated; and his corruption even to this day is
still convey’d to his undone posterity. It is mans folly, onely to look
on the fore-runners of Vertue, which are very poor, as Cold, Hunger,
Thirst, _&c._ but not to consider her glorious attendants that follow
after, as Content, Joy, Honor, and Glory. We fancy Vice for her outside,
not imagining what she is when stript of all her Gauderies.

If you then intend to enjoy for your portion a Kingdom hereafter, adhere
not to the allurements of Vice; for she will soon perswade you to be an
unthrift, to sell your Inheritance whilest it is but in Reversion. But
hearken to Vertue’s counsel; she will teach you how to husband all
things well, so as to become a purchaser of no less than Joys eternal.

                _Fortunes favors oft do fade,
                  To those that in her arms do sleep:
                Shelter your selves in Vertue’s shade;
                  She crowneth those that do her reap.
                For though darkned, you may say,
                  When Friends fail, and Fortunes frown,
                Though Virtue is the roughest way,
                 Yet proves at night a bed of Doun._

Thus have I given you a summary account of my life, from the Non-age to
the Meridian of my days. If there be any expressions either scurrilous
or obscene, my onely design was to make Vice appear as she is, foul,
ugly, and deformed: and I hope, he that hath sense will grow wiser by
the folly that is presented him; as Drunkards are often cured by the
beastliness of others that are so. The subject would not permit to be
serious, neither would it have been suitable to our merry age, being
generally of _Tully’s_ minde, when he said, _Lectionem sine ulla
delectatione negligo_: He hated reading where no pleasure dwelt.

As the day-light is purest, so have I endeavored to make my slender Wit
appear terse and spruce, without the fulsomness of wanton language. If I
have in anyplace transgrest the bounds of modesty by loose expressions,
you need not fear to be offended with their unsavoury breath, for I have
perfumed it: but if it should chance to stink, it is only to drive you
from my former inclination and conversation. It is probable I may be a
little guilty, being not fully cured of that malady I lately laboured
under. For as the breaking out of itch and blains shews the body is not
clear, so foul and unrinsed expressions are the parulent exhalations of
a corrupted minde, stained with the unseasonedness of the flesh.

If any loose word have dropt from (the Mindes best Interpreter) my Pen,
I would have the Reader to pass it over regardless, and not like a Toad,
only gather up the venom of a Garden; or like a Goldfinder, make it his
business to dive in stench and excrements. However, very cautious I was
in offending any modest ear, (though sometimes it could hardly be
avoided, the matter in a manner requiring it) because I look upon
obscene expressions as the Plague on Paper; and he that comes between
the sheets, is in danger of being infected. I shall assure you, had I
not more respected a general good, by displaying Vice in general, to put
men out of conceit with it, I should not have taken so much pains, to be
both blam’d and laught at, but should have wrapt up in silence my shame
and infamy. For in truth, this Book may bear a similitude with the
_Amphisbena_, a Serpent headed at either end: one biteth the vicious
temper of him that reads it, and the other stings him that wrote it. To
conclude, I care not though my wickedness and folly be set up as a
Monument to make my infamy eternal, so that the reading of my Life may
be any ways instrumental for the reformation of licentious persons.



                          Transcriber’s note:

Variations in spelling, hyphenation, apostrophisation and capitalisation
have been retained.

Frontispiece, ‘n’d’ changed to ‘n’t.,’ “that is thronged with n’t.”

Page vi, comma changed to full stop following ‘hereof,’ “have hereof. I
am so”

Page 8, ‘mourh’ changed to ‘mouth,’ “from my mouth. And then”

Page 10, ‘Surpliee’ changed to ‘Surplice,’ “or Surplice, was adjudged”

Page 16, closing parenthesis inserted following ‘him,’ “(which I
temptingly shewed him)”

Page 17, closing parenthesis changed to comma following ‘Preacher,’ “for
being a protestant Preacher,”

Page 18, ‘minu’ changed to ‘menu,’ “to the menu of the true Church”

Page 22, ‘to’ changed to ‘too,’ “of him, yet too forward”

Page 23, ‘irecoverably’ changed to ‘irrecoverably,’ “precious time
(irrecoverably) I had lost”

Page 34, ‘&c’ changed to ‘&c.,’ “Crabs, Bullies, &c., and longed to”

Page 39, comma changed to full stop following “Swigmen.”

Page 41, comma changed to closing parenthesis following ‘injustice,’
“that must needs (without injustice) be commemorized”

Pages 47-53, format of canting vocabulary regularised

Page 80, second ‘a’ struck, “concomitant of a very white”

Page 80, opening parenthesis inserted before ‘as,’ “or Flaxenish hair,
(as I said)”

Page 83, ‘I’ changed to italic, “said my Mistress, _I have_”

Page 84, ‘mnst’ changed to ‘must,’ “I must have a word”

Page 88, second ‘my’ struck, “over powered my sourness”

Page 101, ‘Hs’ changed to ‘He,’ “of a Tavern. He is”

Page 107, second ‘a’ struck, “spirits with a glass or”

Page 107, ‘&’ struck following ‘and,’ “and my Mistresses affection”

Page 122, full stop changed to comma following ‘drinking,’ “drinking,
smoaking, painting, and”

Page 133, ‘termimination’ changed to ‘termination,’ “at the termination
of which”

Page 136, second ‘them’ struck, “I handled them them so scurvily”

Page 143, ‘jndged’ changed to ‘judged,’ “In fine, I judged it”

Page 144, ‘iu’ changed to ‘in,’ “I added in my thoughts”

Page 152, ‘likewife’ changed to ‘likewise,’ “the knock likewise had

Page 154, full stop changed to comma following ‘light,’ “and light, that
some have thought”

Page 156, italics and punctuation changed for clarity from “_What are ye
angry, said I?_ To which they replied _Affirmatively: If so_, I
answered, (laying my hand upon a full pot of Ale) _I value your anger no
more than the drinking this Pot, which I swallowed at two gulps, and so
bid them farewel_; leaving them to call for another Ordinary.” to “_What
are ye angry?_ said I. To which they replied Affirmatively: _If so_, I
answered, (laying my hand upon a full pot of Ale) _I value your anger no
more than the drinking this Pot_, which I swallowed at two gulps, and so
bid them farewel; leaving them to call for another Ordinary.”

Page 156, closing parenthesis changed to a comma following ‘Salutation,’
“his grinning Salutation, and would”

Page 157, ‘feduce’ changed to ‘seduce,’ “seduce any he meets withal”

Page 164, ‘detterred’ changed to ‘deterred,’ “his Accomplices, deterred

Page 166, full stop inserted after ‘viz.,’ “I had to say, viz., that”

Page 197, ‘facilime’ changed to ‘facillime,’ “Pares cum paribus
facillime congregantur”

Page 221, ‘Goaler’ changed to ‘Gaoler,’ “that accursed Gaoler, Poverty”

Page 224, ‘othewise’ changed to ‘otherwise,’ “retain’d, otherwise by a
fit of an Ague”

Page 243, ‘claps’d’ changed to ‘clasp’d,’ “formerly lye clasp’d in some”

Page 248, ‘greastest’ changed to ‘greatest,’ “in the greatest

Page 252, ‘the’ changed to ‘thee,’ “I shall bring thee. Once”

Page 255, ‘resolutiou’ changed to ‘resolution,’ “desists from that

Page 266, ‘paflages’ changed to ‘passages,’ “divers obscure passages

Page 274, ‘Hogsheard’ changed to ‘Hogshead,’ “him, an empty Hogshead”

Page 285, ‘Ill’ changed to ‘I’ll,’ “I’ll pass my life in choicest

Page 312, ‘agaist’ changed to ‘against,’ “I commenced my suit against

Page 317, second ‘them’ struck, “I askt them where”

Page 319, ‘o’ changed to ‘of,’ “freely the quantity of mony”

Page 326, full stop inserted after ‘l.,’ “where then is my 100 l.?”

Page 339, ‘l.’ italicised, “in an Action of 5000 _l._”

Page 351, ‘l.’ italicised, “industry, above 500 _l._”

Page 351, ‘Uririnal’ changed to ‘Urinal,’ “disembogue this Urinal of

Page 353, closing parenthesis changed to semicolon following ‘body,’
“your body; I say, that”

Page 374, ‘wayway’ changed to ‘way,’ “the next that came this way”

Page 387, ‘changgeable’ changed to ‘changeable,’ “residence, and
changeable names”

Page 392, comma changed to full stop following ‘bridle,’ “on your
bridle. As for the”

Page 398, ‘evividence’ changed to ‘evidence,’ “in their evidence against

Page 442, ‘ball’ changed to ‘bell,’ “remove the bell, and apply to the”

Page 455, second ‘the’ struck, “without the the least suspicion”

Page 455, second ‘if’ struck, “confident if he might have”

Page 463, ‘he’ changed to ‘be,’ “cannot but be acceptable”

Page 464, ‘perfometh’ changed to ‘performeth,’ “he that performeth his

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