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Title: Susan Gets Ready for Church - A Monologue
Author: MacKenzie, Edna I.
Language: English
As this book started as an ASCII text book there are no pictures available.
Copyright Status: Not copyrighted in the United States. If you live elsewhere check the laws of your country before downloading this ebook. See comments about copyright issues at end of book.

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A Monologue



Author of
“_As Our Washwoman Sees It_,”
“_The Country Cousin Speaks Her Mind_,” “_That Awful Letter_,”
“_A Double Tragedy, Almost_.”

Copyright 1920, by
Paine Publishing Company

Paine Publishing Company
Dayton, Ohio



Character—_An ordinary girl in an ordinary house on a Sunday


Susan—_Rushes in, sits down at a table and looks disgustedly
at her breakfast._

Mother, what in the world did you let me oversleep for anyway? This
toast is all dried up, (_Takes top off egg_) and just look at that
egg; it’s as hard as a rock and if there’s anything I detest, it’s a
hard-boiled—(_In surprise_) You did call me? Oh, of course, but that
was ages ago and you know I always take another nap after the first—Am
I going to church? (_With sarcasm_) Well, what do you think I am! A
lightning change artist, to be able to get ready in about five seconds!
(_takes a bite of toast_). I know it’s just a quarter after ten but
I simply couldn’t get dressed in less than an hour and church begins
at eleven. Besides I haven’t had my breakfast yet. (_Takes a drink
and makes a wry face_). Goodness, but this coffee is awfully strong.
It tastes as though it had been boiling for hours. It’s enough to

Oh, a returned missionary is going to speak? Then I’m glad I’m not
going, for if there’s anything I hate to have to listen to, it’s a
missionary sermon. They have generally forgotten how to speak the
English language and keep saying A-a-h-uh until they get the word
they’re after. I counted two hundred and fifty-three A-a-h-uh’s in
that address that man from China—(_indignantly_) I don’t see why I
should be ashamed of myself. I had to do something to keep awake. And
they’re always begging for money, too.

The heathen don’t need it nearly as badly as I do. Why, I had to pay
ten dollars for my new hat alone, while they can clothe themselves on
that many cents.

Their costumes are so simple, you know, just a frill around—(_in

Madge got her new hat home last night! And she told me the milliner
couldn’t possibly have it ready for to-day. To think she’d lie to her
best friend like that! (_jumps up hurriedly_).

That settles it; I’ll simply have to go to church now, missionary or no
missionary, (_pause_).

You don’t see what Madge’s hat has to do with my going to church?

Why, mother, the very idea, when you know I’ve had mine for two whole
days. I wouldn’t let her get ahead of me for the—(_pause_).

No, I haven’t time for another bite. It’s all cold anyway.

Here Jimmie, (_stoops and takes off shoes_) give these shoes a shine
and I’ll give you a nickel.

(_Indignantly_) Your conscience won’t let you do it for less than ten
cents because it’s Sunday! Whoever heard of the like! First time I knew
you had a conscience.

Well, I guess I’ll have to give it to you then, but it will have to
come out of my collection, so remember, it’s the church you’re robbing,
not— (_Puts hand up to hair_.)

Oh, I forgot, my hair isn’t done yet, I must run up and do it; I’ll
never get ready in time.

(_Takes down hair, brushes and puts it up, talking continuously._) Say,
I’d like to know who’s been swiping my hair-pins! I just bought a box
last week and now there’s only four—(_calls_) Bess—ie! Have you taken
my hair-pins? (_Pause._) Well, you needn’t snap my head off. I saw you
slitting the pages of your book with one, I know. Come and hunt me up
some of mother’s, then. Hurry, or I’ll be late. (_Pause._)

You can find only one? Thanks, now run down and take a couple out of
mother’s hair, she won’t mind. Be quick.

Jim—ie! Have you got those shoes shined yet? (_Pause._) Well, hurry up.

(_Pause._) She says her hair will come down? Well, tell her to bundle
it under a boudoir cap.

(_Pause._) Oh, Bessie, you’re a dear. Now get my dress for me; it’s
hanging on the nail behind the closet door. (_Pause._) No, not that
one, that color wouldn’t go with my new hat at—

(_Pause._) You can’t find it? Oh, dear, I guess I’ll have to hunt for
it myself. (_Takes a few steps and searches frantically._)

There, (_slipping it over her head_) it was just exactly where I told
you it was—hanging behind the door, under my suit skirt, that dress and
my georgette crepe waist.

It was there all the time, but some people are so afraid of looking for
anything for fear they might find it. Now fasten it up for me.

(_Calls._) Jim—mie, hurr—(_Jumps._) Ouch! You’re sticking a pin in me.
Do be more careful. (_Calls as she fixes her dress._)

Mother, get my collection ready for me, please. I can just give a
nickel since Jim—(_Pause._) Oh, my purse is in one of my boxes in the
side. (_Pause._) There are five boxes? I don’t know which one it’s in;
look in them all. (_Pause._) Not in any of them? Oh, I know now. I left
it in my coat pocket. It’s hanging on the hall-rack.

There goes the first bell, I’ll never get—Nothing in it less than a
dollar bill? Well, I’ll not give that, that’s one thing certain. Lend
me a nickel to tide me over—

(_Calls_) Jim—mie, aren’t those shoes shined yet?

(_Pause._) Mother you shouldn’t let him use such words, they’re not—

Oh, Bessie, run and get me a handkerchief out of my box. (_Pause._)
None there? Then get me one of yours. (_Pause._) Yes, mother, I’m
coming down.

Oh, dear, where’s my hymn-book? I left it on top of those books last
Sunday. I guess it’s fallen behind. (_Pulls out books._) No, it isn’t
here. Where—

Oh, Bessie, will you hunt up my gloves? (_Pause._) No, I haven’t the
least idea where they are. Look in that drawer. (_Pause._) Not there?
Then look in the writing—Oh, I remember, I left them over to Edith’s. I
simply can’t go to church without them, so run and get them. Hurry, I’m
late now.

(_Calls_) Jimmie, aren’t those shoes done yet? Mother, do make him
hurry. I’ll nev—

I suppose I might be putting on my hat while I’m waiting. (_Puts it on
carefully._) Mother, which way do you like it best? This way, (_Jerks
it to the left._) or this? (_Jerks it to the right._) You like it best
on straight? But mother, it must have a dip or it won’t be in style.
There, (_Jerks to the left and examines critically._) I like it that
way best. The way that curl pokes out is too cute for—Where’s my fancy
hat-pins gone? You can’t keep anything around this place. I’ll have to
take Bessie’s.

(_Calls.)_ Oh, Jim—mie, do get a move on! (_Severely._) Don’t get into
such a temper. How did I know you were coming.

Goodness, but that’s some shine you’ve got. (_Puts them on._)

You’d think—oh, oh, look at my hands; they’re all over shoe polish.
I’ll have to wash them again.

I’ll never, never get to church.

(_Indignantly_) Jimmy Smith, the idea of saying it’s my own fault.
I couldn’t waken if nobody called me, could I? You ought to be so
thankful that you have a sister who’s anxious to go to church that
you’d do anything to help her get ready.

Has any one found my hymn-book yet? Never mind, I’ll get one at the
door as I go—

Jimmie, run and see if—

Oh, here you are, Bessie. I thought you were never coming. (_Takes
gloves and starts to put one on._)

These aren’t my gloves; they’re Edith’s, and she takes a half size
smaller than I do. No, you haven’t time to go back and get mine so I’ll
have to wear them, but they’ll be a pretty tight fit. (_Pause._)

Well, just look at that! Split right down the middle. They must be
awfully poor kid. I didn’t think she’d buy such cheap things. I’ll have
to hide the tear with my handker—

Oh, there goes the last bell. I’ll be most awfully late, likely they’ll
be finishing the first hymn.

I think you people might have helped me more. One good thing, Madge
can’t miss seeing me. Oh, I’m going off without my handkerchief. Run
and get it for me, Jimmie.

Mother, are you sure my hat’s on straight? Wouldn’t it be awful if
Madge weren’t out after all!



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