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Title: The Duchess of Dublin - A Farce
Author: Baker, George M. (George Melville)
Language: English
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Copyright Status: Not copyrighted in the United States. If you live elsewhere check the laws of your country before downloading this ebook. See comments about copyright issues at end of book.

*** Start of this Doctrine Publishing Corporation Digital Book "The Duchess of Dublin - A Farce" ***

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[Illustration:

 ALL THE WORLD'S A STAGE.

 THE
 AMATEUR
 DRAMA.


 THE DUCHESS
 OF DUBLIN.


 BOSTON:
 GEO. M. BAKER & CO.
 149 Washington Street.

Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1873 by GEORGE M.
BAKER, in the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington.
]



THE DUCHESS OF DUBLIN.

A Farce.


BY THE AUTHOR OF

                           "Sylvia's Soldier,"
         "Once on a Time," "Down by the Sea," "The Last Loaf,"
 "Bread on the Waters," "Stand by the Flag," "The Tempter," "A Drop too
 Much," "We're all Teetotalers," "A Little more Cider," "Thirty Minutes
     for Refreshments," "Wanted, a Male Cook," "A Sea of Troubles,"
          "Freedom of the Press," "A Close Shave," "The Great
            Elixir," "The Man with the Demijohn," "Humors of
               the Strike," "New Brooms sweep Clean," "My
                Uncle the Captain," "The Greatest Plague
                    in Life," "No Cure, no Pay," "The
                        Grecian Bend," "War of the
                           Roses," "Lightheart's
                                Pilgrimage,"
                                    "The
                                 Sculptor's
                               Triumph," "Too
                            Late for the Train,"
                         "Snow-Bound," "The Peddler
                          of Very Nice," "Bonbons,"
                     "Capuletta," "An Original Idea," "My
                    Brother's Keeper," "Among the Breakers,"
                 "The Boston Dip," "The Duchess of Dublin," "A
            Tender Attachment," "Gentlemen of the Jury," "A Public
          Benefactor," "The Thief of Time," "The Hypochondriac," "The
        Runaways," "Coals of Fire," "The Red Chignon," "Using the Weed,"
             "A Love of a Bonnet," "A Precious Pickle," "The Revolt
                         of the Bees," "The Seven Ages,"
                                  &c., &c., &c.


 BOSTON:
 GEORGE M. BAKER & CO.,
 149 WASHINGTON STREET.



Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1873 by

GEORGE M. BAKER,

In the Office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington.


_Rand, Avery, & Frye, Printers, Boston._



THE DUCHESS OF DUBLIN.

A FARCE.



CHARACTERS.


 DR. ADAM ACONITE, a Young Physician.
 FRANK FRISKEY.
 OLIVER OLDBUCK, rich and gouty.
 SILAS SHARPSET, a Speculator.
 DENNIS DOOLAN, a Widower.
 PETER PLUMPFACE, with a bad cough.
 ANNIE ACONITE, the Doctor's Sister.
 LUCY LINDEN, a Milliner.
 MISS ABIGAIL ALLLOVE, an Autograph Hunter.
 MAGGIE MULLEN, "The Duchess of Dublin."



COSTUMES.

DR. ACONITE. Black suit, white necktie, light side whiskers, and light
wig.

FRANK. Dark coat and vest, light pants, roundabout hat.

OLDBUCK. Gray wig, blue coat with brass buttons, double-breasted vest,
white neckerchief, foot swathed in bandages, cane.

SHARPSET. Gray suit, red cop wig, full red beard, Kossuth hat.

DENNIS. Red wig, blue overall suit, rusty white hat.

PLUMPFACE. Made up fat, very red face, dark, old-fashioned suit.
Eye-glasses attached to a string, which drop from his nose when he
coughs.

ANNIE. Neat morning dress.

LUCY. Tasty street dress and hat.

ABIGAIL. Close-fitting black dress, hair "a la Grecian," black lace
cape, broad straw hat, red nose.

MAGGIE. Neat dress of a kitchen girl, sleeves rolled up.



     SCENE.--_DR. ACONITE'S office. Table, C., with a display of
     vials, one or two books, writing materials, &c. Chair, L. of
     table. Two chairs back. Small table, R., with chair beside
     it._

     _MAGGIE discovered dusting. Her left hand is wrapped in a
     thick covering._

_Maggie._ 'Pon my sowl, it's the docthor's a jewel, that he is! Didn't
I burn me wid the hot fat, that made me howl wid the pain uv it? And
didn't the blissid docthor tind me loike his own sisther--wid the
cooling and haling salve for me fisht, and the wee sugar pills for the
faver that was burnin' me up intirely? And didn't the blissid
crayther, wid the bountiful heart in 'im, charge niver a cint for it,
or sthop it out uv the wages uv a poor girl, as many a hathen would
do, bad luck to 'em. To be sure he did; and, by that same token, it's
Maggie Mullen would run the wide worrld over for the sakes uv him.
Och, but it's little docthoring he has onyhow, and perhaps I did him a
sarvice giving him the practice loike. Will, if the sick folks only
knew how handy he is, there'd be little rist for the sole uv my fut
answering the bill.

     _Enter FRISKEY, L._

_Friskey._ Hallo, Maggie! Where's the doctor?

_Maggie._ Sure it's at his brikfast he is. Can't you lit him have a
little pace for his sowl? What wid bein' up all night, and runnin' to
sick folks all day, it's little rist he finds onyhow.

_Friskey._ That's right, Maggie. Keep up a show of business if there
is none. But I'm in the secret.

_Maggie._ Sacret, is it? Sure there's none.

_Friskey._ Ah, we know, Maggie, that our friend the doctor has yet to
get his first patient.

_Maggie._ Indade you're wrong there, Masther Frank. Haven't I been
under his charge, and don't I know the skilful arts uv him? Indade I
do, and can give him the highest characther.

_Friskey._ O, I forgot that, Maggie. He's made a commencement. How's
your hand, Maggie?

_Maggie._ As comfortable as it can be wid the finest midical
attention.

_Friskey._ That's good. Well, I'll wait for him. (_Sits at table;
takes up newspaper._)

_Maggie._ That's right, sir. He'll be glad to say ye's. But mind,
don't interfare wid his business. Don't tak his mind off the purshuit
uv patients, for it's much they're wanted, ye's can belave.
                                                           [_Exit, R._

_Friskey._ I do _belave_ it. Now here's a man who has passed a
splendid examination, received his diploma, and settled down in his
native village to practise medicine, but so set are the good people
that they will never patronize him until age and experience have
fitted him to be their medical adviser. Stuff and nonsense! While he
is growing he must starve, unless some way is found to move their
stubborn will. Not a patient--no, I'm wrong--there's his free patient,
Maggie, "The Duchess of Dublin," as _Lucy_ and I facetiously call her.
A free patient! If we could only contrive to get one of the high and
mighty snobs of the village into his clutches, we'd physic him until
the whole population flocked to his office. (_Knock, L._) Come in.
(_Enter LUCY LINDEN, L._) Ah, Lucy, come in. How d'ye do? (_Shake
hands._)

_Lucy._ Where's Adam?

_Friskey._ The first of men is at his breakfast, replenishing his
exhausted system before renewing the toil of practice.

_Lucy._ You're too bad, Frank. The dear fellow must not be laughed at.
You know he has no practice.

_Friskey._ O, there you're wrong. The first patient has been found.

_Lucy._ You don't mean it? Who is it--Squire Prim, or Aunt Lucy Spear,
Mr. Plumpface, or Mr. Oldbuck? Do tell me. I'm dying to know!

_Friskey._ A person of greater importance. One with a high-sounding
title.

_Lucy._ Title--Judge Higgins? General Proof? You mysterious fellow,
why don't you tell me.

_Friskey._ It's "The Duchess of Dublin."

_Lucy._ O, pshaw! Maggie Mullen. Frank Friskey, you're a torment. I
really thought 'twas some distinguished character.

_Friskey._ Well, the duchess had a fine _characther_ from her last
place. By Jove! an idea.

_Lucy._ Get rid of it, Frank; it's dangerous.

_Friskey._ Hush! This is really a magnificent idea. Our doctor must
have patients, for several reasons: First, he is engaged to a
beautiful young lady, whom he will not marry until his practice will
allow him to support her as he desires--

_Lucy._ Just as if I cared. I'm sure I'd rather help him up hill, than
to wait for the elegant mansion he hopes to rear on the summit.

_Friskey._ There _you_ are interested. In the second place, his sister
is engaged to a fascinating young gentleman, ahem! and him she will
not marry until her brother can afford to let her leave his house, of
which she is the toiling mistress.

_Lucy._ And there _you_ are interested.

_Friskey._ Exactly. Therefore we are both interested in increasing the
doctor's practice as soon as possible.

_Lucy._ The sooner the better.

_Friskey._ Now listen to me. Suppose that a high-born lady, a titled
lady of Europe, should visit this country; should pass through this
village; should suddenly be taken sick. The aid of our good friend the
doctor is required. He is called in. The news spreads like wildfire
through the village. Patients flock to his office. His fortune is
made, and we are happy in our loves.

_Lucy._ Ah, but where can we find such a patient?

_Friskey._ She's here beneath this humble roof--"The Duchess of
Dublin," _incog._

_Lucy._ Why, Frank, what a desperate idea!

_Friskey._ Desperate cases require desperate means. What say you, will
you join me?

_Lucy._ In what way?

_Friskey._ We will leave this house at once, separate, you go to the
right, I to the left. Drop in here and there quite accidentally, and,
in confidence, disclose the interesting news that "The Duchess of
Dublin," _incog._, is in the skilful hands of Dr. Aconite. Magnify it
a little, and await the result. I am confident that before night Adam
will be as happy as a rush of complicated disorders can make an M. D.

_Lucy._ Capital! only if we are found out--

_Friskey._ We'll laugh it off as a capital joke. If, in the mean time,
Adam gets a good patient, he'll make his way to a good practice.

_Lucy._ It's an absurd idea to exalt our Maggie to so high a position.
Should anybody see her--

_Friskey._ Ah, but nobody must see her. The duchess is _incog._ You
must communicate in the strictest confidence, and have it distinctly
understood that not a word must be said to the doctor about his grand
patient.

_Lucy._ I understand, and you may depend upon me; only if the worst
comes I shall throw all the responsibility upon you.

_Friskey._ And I'll agree to take it all. Come, let's set out.

_Lucy._ Without seeing Adam?

_Friskey._ Yes, for I shan't trust you with him until you are fully
committed to this arch plot. Come.

_Lucy._ What, would you rob me of a sight of my Adam?

_Friskey._ Eve-n so. Am I not robbed of the sight of my Annie?

_Lucy._ Not even one embrace?

_Friskey._ As a substitute embrace me. (_Throws his arms around her._)

_Lucy_ (_screams_). You horrid wretch! (_Runs off, L., followed by
FRISKEY._)

     _DR. ACONITE appears, R._

_Dr. A._ Am I awake? My friend, my bosom friend, with his arms about
my affianced bride! Pills and powders! pestle and mortar! am I awake?
Well, it's my usual luck. Day by day I've seen my stock of provisions
sensibly decrease. I have this morning devoured the last fishball that
could be manufactured from the slender stock of codfish and potatoes.
It has vanished, and so has my love, with the friend of my bosom.
There's nothing left for me now but to make a few slender meals of my
sugar-coated pills, fricassee the canary, and then slowly but surely
starve. (_Sinks into chair, L._)

     _Enter ANNIE ACONITE, R._

_Annie._ Well, brother, what would you like for dinner?

_Dr. A._ Dinner? ha, ha! Dinner! Well, what say you to roast turkey
with cranberry sauce?

_Annie._ Brother!

_Dr. A._ Or roast goose, with guava jelly?

_Annie._ Brother!

_Dr. A._ Or roast buffalo, with venison steak, devilled kidneys, and
salmon, with oyster sauce on the half shell.

_Annie._ Adam, are you crazy?

_Dr. A._ Why not? Our dinner must be an imaginary one, so let's have
it as costly and luxurious as possible. There's nothing in the larder.
Let's be extravagant, and cook it all.

_Annie._ Why, how you rave! Is the money all gone?

_Dr. A._ Every cent.

_Annie._ But the butcher?

_Dr. A._ Would carve me with his meat-axe if I asked for credit.

_Annie._ Then I'll try him. He won't carve me. Now don't be
despondent. We have always had a dinner, and, depend upon it, you
shall to-day.

_Dr. A._

      "O Woman, in our hours of ease,
      Uncertain, coy, and hard to please;
      But, when the dinner seems to lag,
      You'll have it, if you boil the puddin'-bag."

Annie, why don't you marry Frank Friskey?

_Annie._ Adam, why don't you marry the little milliner?

_Dr. A._ Because I have no patients.

_Annie._ And I have patience to wait until you get them before I marry
Frank.

_Dr. A._ But I never shall have a patient. There's a dead set against
me. They're determined I shall not cure or kill anybody until I kill
myself with waiting.

_Annie._ Not so bad as that, Adam. Be patient, and wait.

_Dr. A._ O, humbug! My instruments are all getting rusty, my pills
old, my plasters cracking, and my drops drying up. Hang it, I'll go
and doctor myself for amusement. (_Knock, L._)

_Annie._ Hush! Perhaps there's a call.

_Dr. A._ The undertaker, perhaps, in search of a job. Come in.

     _Enter DENNIS, L._

_Dennis._ The top uv the mornin' to ye's. Is the docther man in--I
donno?

_Dr. A._ Yes, I'm the doctor.

_Dennis._ Is that so? Yer rivirance, if ye plaze, Squire Croony wants
ye's quick. The ould missus's howlin' in the pangs uv insinsibility,
the young masther's took wid the jumpin' croup in his skull, and the
babby's got the janders--an' it's pisoned they all are intirely.

_Dr. A._ What, Squire Croony?

_Dennis._ The same, yer rivirance, onto the hill beyant.

_Dr. A._ O, you've made a mistake. He wants Dr. Allopath.

_Dennis._ Niver at all, at all. It's Dr. Ac--Ac--Acraoniting I was to
sind.

_Dr. A._ (_jumping up, and pulling off his dressing-gown_). My
coat--quick! quick! (_ANNIE runs off, R._) Maggie, Maggie, my hat and
cane! Here's luck. (_Enter ANNIE, with coat. He jumps into it._)
You're sure he sent for me?

_Dennis._ To be sure I am.

_Dr. A._ Glory! glory! Rich Squire Croony! I'm a fortunate man.
Where's my medicine case? (_Runs to table, R., and takes it._) My good
man, I'm terribly afraid you've made a mistake.

_Dennis._ Troth, I'm afraid they'll all git well afore you git there.

_Dr. A._ That would be fatal--ahem!--to me. I'm off. I'll return at
the earliest possible moment. Should anybody call, let them wait. Tell
them I am suddenly called to my rich patient, ahem! Squire Croony.
(_Going off, L._)

     _Enter MAGGIE, R., with DR. ACONITE'S hat and cane._

_Maggie._ Sure, docther, you're not going widout yer hat?

_Dr. A_ (_returning_). That would be a mistake. (_Puts on hat._)
You're sure, my man--

_Dennis._ O, bother! Would ye lave them all to die suddenly wid a long
illness?

_Dr. A._ I'm off. Glory! glory! Luck! (_Dances to door, L., then
suddenly stops, straightens himself, and puts on a serious face_).
Professional dignity, ahem! (_Struts off, L._)

_Annie._ Maggie, remember, if anybody calls, "The doctor has been
called to Squire Croony."                                  [_Exit, R._

_Maggie._ That I will--the dear docther! The luck's a-coomin'.

_Dennis._ Ah, ye's the fine gurl! Sure ye's remind me uv Donnybrook
fair, in the ould counthry, wid ye's rosy cheeks, and pearly teeth, as
white as--as--as--tombstones.

_Maggie._ Ah, will, will! It's the blarney-stone ye've kissed, sure,
in the ould counthry.

_Dennis._ To be sure I have, colleen. Ah, bliss the ould sod! Sorry's
the day I lift it, wid my own purty wife, Molly, who's been dead and
gone the year, an' me wid the childers wid their bills open for food
loike the little birds--

_Maggie._ 'Tis a widerer ye's are?

_Dennis._ A lone widerer, wid a tear in one eye and the other wide
open tight for a purty girl to fill the sitivation made vacant by the
absince of my Molly.

_Maggie._ Is it lonesome ye are?

_Dennis._ Lonesome is it? Begorra! ye may will say that. Sure there's
not blankets enough to kape the chill out uv me heart, whin I wake in
the night and miss the music uv Molly's snore--for she had a powerful
organ, and could pipe "St. Pathrick's Day" through her nose widout
missing a note. Could ye's riccommend me?

_Maggie._ Troth, I don't know what ye mane.

_Dennis._ To a nice, respectable gurl that wouldn't mind incumbrances
in the shape of nine as purty childers as iver built stone huts or
made dirt pies, the darlints.

_Maggie._ Troth, I think ye've give nine good raisins why no smart
gurl would loike to take the head uv yer establishment. She'd be loike
the ould woman that lived in a shoe.

_Dennis._ An' ye couldn't be prevailed upon yeself to share my
fortunes?

_Maggie._ What's that, ye loonytic? Away wid ye's. I'll have none uv
yer Molly's childers distractin' my shlumbers. So ye can take yer hat,
misther, and yer lave to onct.

_Dennis._ O, now, pity the sorrows of a poor lone, afflicted widower.

_Maggie._ Git out er that, or I'll break yer skull. Away wid ye's.
(_DENNIS runs off, L. Runs into OLDBUCK, who enters._)

_Oldbuck._ O, murder! my foot! you villain! you scoundrel!

_Dennis._ I ax yer pardon. Sind me the bill.               [_Exit, L._

_Oldbuck._ Confound you for a blundering fool! Girl, give me a chair.
(_MAGGIE sets chair, R. C. OLDBUCK, groaning, hobbles to it, and
sits._) Now, then, where's the doctor?

_Maggie._ Sure he's at Squire Croony's.

_Oldbuck._ Squire Croony's--O, that foot! Why, he must have a pretty
good practice.

_Maggie._ Ye may will say that. He hasn't ate a morsel for three days,
nor slipt for a wake.

_Oldbuck._ Now that's a lie--O, my foot! Bring me a footstool--do you
hear? Quick!

_Maggie._ What's that?

_Oldbuck._ A footstool, quick, or I'll break this cane--

_Maggie_ (_snatching cane from him_). Ye'll be civil, so yer will, or
out uv this house ye go.

_Oldbuck._ Give me that cane--O, my foot! You torment.

_Maggie._ Be aisy now, misther, and till yer business.

_Oldbuck._ I want the doctor.

_Maggie._ He's away wid dacint sick folks, that don't howl and break
canes, and the loike, ye ould hathen!

_Oldbuck._ Do you know who I am?

_Maggie._ I niver set my two eyes on ye's before the day, and I niver
want to again.

_Oldbuck._ You're a saucy jade--O, my foot!

_Maggie_ (_poking his foot with the cane_). Does it burn.

_Oldbuck._ O! O! murder! Do you want to kill me?

_Maggie._ Kape a civil tongue in yer head, and I'll do ye's no harm.

_Oldbuck._ When will the doctor return?

_Maggie._ Soon as he's kilt or cured the sick folks at Squire
Croony's.

_Oldbuck._ Has he any patients in the house?

_Maggie._ Yis, one. (_Aside._) Sure, I'm his patient; that's no lie.

_Oldbuck._ Ah! Male or female?

_Maggie._ Well, from my sowl, ye's a mighty inquisitive ould chap.
It's a famale.

_Oldbuck_ (_aside_). Ah, it's true then. Sh! Come here, my good girl.
(_MAGGIE approaches him, and hits his foot._) O, my foot! You clumsy--

_Maggie_ (_poking his foot with the cane_). Does it burn?

_Oldbuck._ O! O! O! Will you be quiet?

_Maggie._ If ye'll kape a civil tongue.

_Oldbuck._ I'm dumb. But tell me--this patient--who is she? I'll be
secret.

_Maggie._ Sure, ye's mighty mysterious. It's myself.

_Oldbuck._ You? (_Aside._) They said she was _incog._ This must be
her. And now I look at her, there's a certain grace about her, a
queenly air--O, it's the duchess. (_Aloud._) Your grace--

_Maggie._ What's that?

_Oldbuck._ Pardon me, your grace, I failed to recognize, in this mean
attire, the high-born lady, which your highness must be.

_Maggie._ The ould fellow's looney. (_Pokes his foot with the cane._)

_Oldbuck._ O! O! my foot!

_Maggie._ Will ye's kape a civil tongue?

_Oldbuck._ Ten thousand pardons. I forgot your disguise.

_Maggie._ Disguise is it? Troth, it's my belafe that it's yerself is
disguised intirely--in liquor.

_Plumpface_ (_outside, L., coughing violently_). Where's (_cough_) the
(_cough_) doctor? (_Enters, L._)

_Oldbuck._ Old Plumpface, confound him!

_Maggie._ The doctor, is it? Troth, he's away on a call. He'll soon
return. Take a cheer. (_Hands him chair, L. He sits._)

_Plumpface_ (_coughs_). O, this infernal cough! I'm in the last
(_cough_) stages of a decline. (_Coughs._)

_Maggie._ The docther'll cure ye's in a jiffy.

_Oldbuck._ Not that cough. Egad, he's kept it up for twenty years, and
grows fat on it. Hallo, Plumpface! I thought Allopath was your medical
adviser.

_Plumpface._ He's a swindle. (_Cough._) He does me no good. (_Cough._)
I'm going to try the new one. (_Cough._)

_Oldbuck._ Humbug! Keep your money. There's nothing the matter with
you. You've tried twenty doctors. They bleed your pocket, and add
power to that infernal cough.

_Plumpface._ Humbug yourself! (_cough_) hobbling round (_cough_) with
that (_cough_) foot wrapped up. (_Cough._) Stay at home and diet.
(_Cough._)

_Maggie._ Ye'll make a die of it some day, sure, wid that watchman's
rattle in ye's throat.

_Plumpface_ (_to MAGGIE_). Here (_cough_), I want to whisper to you.
(_Cough._)

_Maggie_ (_comes close to him._) D'ye call that a whisper?

_Plumpface._ Hush! (_Cough._) Don't let Oldbuck hear. (_Cough._) How
is she? (_Cough._)

_Maggie._ What she d'ye mane?

_Plumpface._ Hush! The doctor's (_cough_) patient here.

_Maggie._ Is it mysilf? Troth, I'm pickin' up lively.

_Plumpface_ (_aside_). Her? Can she be the duchess? It must be,
_incog._ Your grace. (_Cough._)

_Maggie_ (_aside_). Your what?

_Plumpface._ I'm delighted to (_cough_) meet your highness. (_Cough._)
When did you leave the old country? (_Cough._)

_Maggie._ The ould counthry, is it?

_Oldbuck._ Here, this way. (_Aside to MAGGIE._) Plumpface is an old
fool. Don't mind him, your grace.

_Maggie._ Will, 'pon my sowl, if here isn't a couple of the quarest
ould chaps I iver met. O, here's the docther. (_Gives OLDBUCK his
cane._)

     _Enter DR. ACONITE, L. Exit MAGGIE, R._

_Dr. A._ The ice is broken. I've cured four individuals in ten
minutes. My fortune's made. (_Comes, C._)

_Plumpface_ (_jumping up_). O, doctor (_cough_), my cough!

_Oldbuck_ (_jumping up_). Dear doctor, my foot--O!

_Plumpface._ Please attend to me first. (_Cough._)

_Oldbuck._ No, I arrived first, and claim your attention first.

_Plumpface._ It's a lie. I sent an hour ago. (_Cough._)

_Oldbuck._ He's a humbug. That cough's hereditary.

_Plumpface._ You villain! (_Shakes fist at OLDBUCK._)

_Oldbuck._ You swindler! (_Shakes fist at PLUMPFACE._)

_Dr. A._ (_stepping between them_). Gentlemen, be calm. 'Tis the proud
boast of medical science that it can settle all difficulties, mental
as well as physical. You need my aid; but such are the claims upon my
time that I cannot, without doing injustice to my numerous patients,
attend to you at present. Give me your address, and I will call upon
you at the earliest possible moment.

_Oldbuck._ I am Squire Oldbuck.

_Dr. A._ (_aside_). The rich squire--good!

_Plumpface._ And I am Peter Plumpface. (_Cough._)

_Dr. A._ (_aside_). The great manufacturer--good!

_Oldbuck._ I can pay handsomely.

_Plumpface._ I can pay liberally.

_Dr. A._ Gentlemen, you shall receive my early attention. You will
pardon me, but I have a patient in the house who requires my immediate
attention.

_Oldbuck_ (_aside_). "The Duchess of Dublin."

_Plumpface_ (_aside_). The Dublin duchess. (_Cough. Aloud._) My dear
doctor, I have heard of your skill. May I depend upon you?

_Dr. A._ At the earliest possible moment.

_Oldbuck._ You will give me early attention?

_Dr. A._ Immediate.

_Oldbuck._ Then I'll hobble home at once. Good day, doctor.
(_Aside._) When old Plumpface is out of the way, I'll slip back again.
                                                           [_Exit, L._

_Plumpface_ (_coughs_). I know your skill, doctor (_cough_,) and shall
depend upon you. Good day. (_Cough. Aside._) I'll come back and
quicken his memory when Oldbuck is out of sight.           [_Exit, L._

_Dr. A._ (_rubbing his hands_). Ha, ha! that's a capital joke. Dr.
Aconite, poor physician, turns two of the richest men out of his
office to wait his pleasure! But that's the right way. 'Twill never do
to be too anxious. Egad! they're rich acquisitions; for, though I have
never met them, that cough and that gouty foot have been the rounds of
the medical fraternity. Wonder how they happened to drop in upon me?
No matter; I can cure them both in time. Ah, Time, you are the
doctor's best friend, for you pay as you go. Luck's come at last, and
that imaginary dinner shall be a real, substantial feast, to mark the
day when Dr. Aconite took his first fee.

     _Enter SHARPSET, L._

_Sharpset._ Heow d'ye dew. You're Dr. Aconite, I reckon?

_Dr. A._ I am.

_Sharpset._ Jes' so. Wall, I'm Silas Sharpset, E. s. q., 'he founder
and proprietor of the "Excelsior Perambulating Museum of Wonderful,
Whimsical, Extraordinary, and Eccentric Living Curiosities."

_Dr. A._ Indeed!

_Sharpset._ Jes' so. You'll find in my wonderful collection studies of
human nater in every variety. The remarkable and only original living
fat girl, seven years of age, who has attained the enormous weight of
seven hundred and seventy-seven pounds by a daily diet of molasses
candy and gum drops.

_Dr. A._ Remarkable, indeed!

_Sharpset._ Jes' so. Also, the only real living skeleton, aged
thirty-nine, weight seventeen pounds and three ounces, who lives on
oatmeal gruel, eaten by the spoonful, once in forty-eight hours, who
kin crawl through a stove-pipe of six inches diameter, and dance the
Cachuca in a quart measure.

_Dr. A._ Ah, that's too thin.

_Sharpset._ Jes' so. Then there's the man born without either arms or
legs, who can lift a hogshead with his teeth, and write a remarkably
legible hand with his back hair, which he wears in a cue for that
purpose.

_Dr. A._ Cue-rious, indeed.

_Sharpset._ Jes' so. Then there's the bald-headed accountant, with his
head so full of figures that he can run up the longest account in no
time, and, by the force of his stupendous intellect, make the sum
total appear in round figures, visible to the naked eye, on the top of
his head.

_Dr. A._ A calculating baldhead.

_Sharpset._ Jes' so. But the assortment is too numerous to mention. I
kin only say, that for variety, versatility, and invention, this
collection is unsurpassed, and kin be seen in all its beauty for
twenty-five cents a head.

_Dr. A._ Well, sir, what is your business with me? My time is
precious.

_Sharpset._ Jes' so. Wall, then, to come to the p'int. You've got a
nat'ral living curiosity, and I want it.

_Dr. A._ I've got a curiosity? So I have--a curiosity to know what you
mean.

_Sharpset._ Jes' so. Mighty secret, but it's no use, doctor; it's all
over town. You'll have to give in, so you might as well make the best
terms you kin with me, for I've greater facilities for exhibiting the
critter than any other live man. Jes' so--Silas Sharpset, E. s. q.,
can't be beat.

_Dr. A._ Exhibiting the critter, Mr. Sharpset? There's a wildness in
your eye that betokens insanity. You are laboring under a wild
hallucination. Go hence. Soak your feet, wrap a wet towel round your
head, and return to your couch at once.

_Sharpset._ Jes' so. Keep it up, doctor. But it won't fool me. The
critter's here. Turn her over to me, bag and baggage, and I'll pay you
a thousand dollars down.

_Dr. A._ A thousand dollars--you'll pay me? Be calm, my friend, be
calm. You betray unmistakable symptoms of a disordered mind. Will you
oblige me with a little explanation?

_Sharpset._ Jes' so.

_Dr. A._ Who is the "critter" that you are in pursuit of?

_Sharpset._ The duchess, of course. Why, consarn it, it's all over
town.

_Dr. A._ The duchess? Ah, yes, poor man, lunacy always takes high
flights. Ah, who is the duchess?

_Sharpset._ Jes' so. Doctor, do you see anything of a verdant hue in
this optic? (_Finger on left eye._) It's no use. "The Duchess of
Dublin" is in this house; is under your charge. Now do the handsome
thing. I'll put her up as an extra attraction, charge double price,
and divide profits. There's an offer.

_Dr. A._ By doubling your price on "The Duchess of Dublin"? Now, you
must excuse the question, but who is "The Duchess of Dublin"? and what
have I to do with "The Duchess of Dublin"?

_Sharpset._ Consarn it, mister, are you a fool?

_Dr. A._ Now gently, friend. Be calm, be calm. (_Aside._) O, he's very
crazy!

_Sharpset._ Humbug! Will you, or will you not, accept my offer? Half
profits for the duchess. Sharp's the word! Quick, or you lose it!

_Dr. A._ My dear friend, it wouldn't hurt you to lose a little blood.
My lancet's handy.

_Sharpset._ Jehoshaphat! do you take me to be an idiot?

_Dr. A._ You'd better go home. Your wife and children are expecting
you. No doubt the little folks are chanting, with their childish
voices, "Dear father, dear father, come home."

_Sharpset._ Jes' so. You can't pull wool over my eyes, doctor. Silas
Sharpset is sharpset by name and sharpset by nater. You can't fool me.
You've got a prize, and want to keep it for yourself; but if I don't
set the populace howling round your door, and make you show up the
duchess, then you can shave my head, and lock me up for life. No
monopolies here in living curiosities while Sharpset's around--not if
he knows it: jes' so.                                      [_Exit, L._

_Dr. A._ He's gone--home, I hope. He's very mad. Why don't his friends
take care of him. It's dangerous to let a man run round with such
horrid ideas as are rambling through his brain. The fat girl, the
living skeleton, the bald-headed accountant, and "The Duchess of
Dublin." 'Pon my word, the idea of my having under my charge a
duchess! O, it's absurd. The man's crazy; he must be looked after;
I'll follow him (_takes hat_), and see that he does no damage. (_Goes
to door, L._)

     _Enters, suddenly, MISS ABIGAIL ALLLOVE, with a large book
     under her arm. Seizes DR. ACONITE by arm, and drags him
     down, C._

_Abigail_ (_mysteriously_). You are--are you?--or am I mistaken?

_Dr. A._ Eh? You may be right, you may be wrong, or you may be
mistaken.

_Abigail._ You do not answer me; and I, poor lone orphan that I am,
tremble in your presence.

_Dr. A._ Eh? Are you often alone? Miss, or madam, let's drop this
nonsense. Have, you any business with me? I am Dr. Aconite.

_Abigail._ You are the friend of the unfortunate; the guide of
suffering humanity to havens of rest; the healer of broken hearts; the
finger-post that points the way to the mansion of health. O, human
angel, list to my woes.

_Dr. A._ Madam, or miss, I shall be happy to aid you with my
professional skill.

_Abigail._ Professional skill? Away with it. I want it not. I want
sympathy, friendship, love.

_Dr. A._ Ah, indeed. Then I'm sorry I cannot help you. They are not in
my line.

_Abigail._ List to a tale of grief. At the age of four I lost my
mother, at the age of ten my father, at the age of fifteen my sister,
at twenty my only brother, at twenty-five my uncle, at thirty--

_Dr. A._ O, stop, stop, stop! Spare me. I didn't kill them. I haven't
been in practice a year. You must see I had no time for such
slaughter.

_Abigail._ I am alone in the world. No relatives, no friends, "no one
to love,"--only this. (_Shows book._)

_Dr. A._ And pray what is that?

_Abigail._ A treasure millions could not buy. A pearl of matchless
value--my life, my friend, my love--my autograph album.

_Dr. A._ O, indeed, is that all? And you want my autograph? With the
greatest pleasure. (_Attempts to take book._)

_Abigail._ Away! Do not profane it with your touch. None but the noble
stain its spotless pages.

_Dr. A._ Ah, indeed! Pardon my presumption.

_Abigail._ No, only the divine wielders of the pen, the classic movers
of the artistic brush, the noble toilers with the gracing chisel, the
seraphic sons and daughters of song, kings, emperors, queens, the
high-born and the great can dot their i's in Abigail Alllove's
autograph album.

_Dr. A._ Decidedly select.

_Abigail_ (_opening book_). Behold the autograph of the Emperor of
China.

_Dr. A._ (_reading_). "Will you come and take tea in the arbor. Te
he!" Ah, did you te-ease him for that?

_Abigail._ The name of the Emperor of the French.

_Dr. A._ (_reading_). "Put out the light, and then put--Napoleon."
Which he did. Very good.

_Abigail._ The Queen of Sheba.

_Dr. A._ (_reading_). "Anything on this board for ten cents. Saloma."
Attentive to business, very.

_Abigail._ Dr. Livingstone.

_Dr. A._ (_reading_).

                    "On, Stanley, on,
      Were the last words from Livingstone."

Original, very.

_Abigail._ Joshua Billings.

_Dr. A._ (_reading_). "Duz time fli in fli time? Josh Billings."
That's a very bad spell.

_Abigail._ Alfred Tennyson.

_Dr. A._ (_reading_).

      "When I can shoot my rifle clear
        To pigeons in the skies,
      I'll bid farewell to pork and beans,
        And live on pigeon pies."

A. Tennyson."

_Abigail._ Exquisite poet!

_Dr. A._ I admire his taste.

_Abigail._ Now, dear doctor, I would add one other name to my valuable
collection. You can aid me. Will you? O, say you will--will you? and
take the burden from the heart of a lone orphan.

_Dr. A._ Madam, or miss, I should be very happy to assist you--

_Abigail._ O, rapturous answer! O, noble disciple of Æsculapius! The
lips of the lone orphan will bless you; the tears of the lone orphan
shall bless you; the smiles of the lone orphan--

_Dr. A._ Be calm, be calm. In what way can I assist you?

_Abigail._ You have beneath your roof a noble lady--

_Dr. A._ Eh?

_Abigail._ From a foreign clime. You hold her here in secret. Let me
but get her name in my autograph album, and Abigail Alllove will die
happy.

_Dr. A._ Noble lady? (_Aside._) Another lunatic.

_Abigail._ Yes, the name of "The Duchess of Dublin."

_Dr. A._ The--dickens! Stark, staring mad. My dear young lady, you are
laboring under a hallucination. Go home at once. Call your friends.

_Abigail._ Alas! I have no friends. Did I not tell you I am a lone--

_Dr. A._ Yes, yes; but call in the neighbors, the kind neighbors--

_Abigail._ But the duchess! I must see the duchess. The hopes, the
fears, the life of a lone orphan--

_Dr. A._ Lone orphan, go home; let me alone. I have no duchess, know
no duchess. You are deceived. No, no, dear, go home.

      "Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home."

_Abigail._ O, you wretch! You mean, contemptible quack. You have read
my album, my precious volume, and now refuse my request.

_Dr. A._ But, my dear young lady--

_Abigail._ Don't come near me! You've broken the heart of a lone
orphan. You're a base, ungrateful, ugly, miserable pill-box! and I
hope you'll never live to own an autograph album--there!   [_Exit, L._

_Dr. A._ Good by, lone orphan. Now there's a case that requires
immediate attention. Poor thing! I ought not to have let her go until
her friends appeared. (_Enter DENNIS, L. Stands in door, beckoning to
DR. ACONITE._) Hallo! who's that?

_Dennis_ (_mysteriously_). Sh! sh! (_Creeps down, C., beckoning to DR.
ACONITE._)

_Dr. A._ Well, what is it?

_Dennis._ It's all right, docther, it's all right.

_Dr. A._ Well. I'm glad to know that, at any rate.

_Dennis._ Yis, I'll not brathe a word. It's from the owld counthry I
am.

_Dr. A._ That's very evident.

_Dennis._ An' it's mysilf that would give the worrld to sit my two
eyes on her. Now, docther, it's a lone widdyer I am, an' would ye's go
for to do me a kindness?

_Dr. A._ To be sure I would.

_Dennis._ Hiven bliss ye! Thin fich her out. Let me faist my eyes on
her beautiful face, her illigant, dignified figure. Let me kiss the
him of her magnificent dress, and hear her swate voice spake the
brogue of the gim of the say.

_Dr. A._ What are you talking about? Who do you want to see?

_Dennis._ You know will what I mane--her grace, the noble, moighty,
illigant "Duchess of Dublin."

_Dr. A._ What? "The Duchess of Dublin?" Out of my house at once, or I
shall do you an injury.

_Dennis._ Faix, you don't mane it. Rob an Irishman of his right to pay
his rispicts to a high-born lady uv his own counthry?

_Dr. A._ Do you see that door?

_Dennis._ Faix, I'm not blind.

_Dr. A._ Then get the other side of it at once. (_Takes cane._) I've
had enough of "The Duchess of Dublin."

_Dennis._ Is that so? Thin I'm the b'y to take her off ye's hands.

_Dr. A._ Will you leave this house?

_Dennis._ To be sure I will, afther I've seen her grace.

_Dr. A._ (_rushes at him with cane_). O, you will have it--will you?

_Dennis_ (_backing to door_). Aisy, docther; I want none uv ye's
medicine. But I'll say the duchess, so I will, wid ye's lave or widout
it.                                                        [_Exit, L._

_Dr. A._ Has the whole village gone crazy? or is this some infernal
plot to drive me into hopeless lunacy?

     _PLUMPFACE coughs outside, then enters, L._

_Plumpface._ Doctor (_cough_), I thought you were coming to (_cough_)
see me?

_Dr. A._ I'll be there in half an hour, Mr. Plumpface. Business of a
very serious nature has detained me here.

_Plumpface._ Yes (_cough_), I know. She kept you.

_Dr. A._ She--Who do you mean?

_Plumpface._ O (_cough_), it's all right, doctor. I'm in the secret.
(_Cough._) I've seen her; spite of her disguise, I knew her at once.
(_Cough._)

_Dr. A._ Knew her at once? Who, pray?

_Plumpface._ O, you sly dog! (_Cough._) The duchess.

_Dr. A._ Heavens and earth! She here again?

_Plumpface._ She hasn't been away--has she? (_Cough._)

_Dr. A._ Look here, Plumpface. Go home, quick! Go to your room, get
into bed, and don't stir until I get there.

_Plumpface._ What's the matter now?

_Dr. A._ Your case has taken a serious turn. You are going to get rid
of that cough. It's going to your head. You will be mad.

_Plumpface._ Mad? You don't say so! What a horrible idea! I'm afraid
you're right. I haven't coughed for three minutes. O, doctor, is there
no hope?

_Dr. A._ Don't stop to talk. Get home at once. (_Pushes him out of
door, L._) Run for your life. How he goes! The exercise will do his
lungs good; but his head, poor fellow! He's got the duchess fever.

     _Enter OLDBUCK, L._

_Oldbuck._ I say, doctor, what's the matter with Plumpface? I met him,
running. Is there a fire anywhere?

_Dr. A._ Yes, very near him--in his head. It has been turned.

_Oldbuck._ You don't say so. By what, pray?

_Dr. A._ By "The Duchess of Dublin."

_Oldbuck._ Egad! she's enough to turn anybody's head. But I say,
doctor, how is she?

_Dr. A._ What?

_Oldbuck._ I'm mightily interested in her. How's she getting along?
I've seen her, too.

_Dr. A._ O, this is too much. Oldbuck, look at that foot.

_Oldbuck._ What's the matter?

_Dr. A._ It's swelling fearfully. A dangerous symptom. It must be kept
down. (_Steps on his foot._)

_Oldbuck._ O, murder! Confound you, what are you doing?

_Dr. A._ Keeping down the swelling. (_Steps again._)

_Oldbuck._ O! Do you want to murder me?

_Dr. A._ (_steps again. OLDBUCK avoids him, and runs round stage,
crying out_). I tell you, there's no other way. (_Steps._) Get home,
quick! (_Steps._) Quick! If the swelling continues (_steps_) 'twill
reach a vital part. (_Steps._) Go home! (_OLDBUCK runs out, L., crying
out._) He's gone. No more practice to-day. (_Locks door._) O, that
infernal duchess! She's nearly driven me mad, mad, mad! (_Sinks into
chair._)

     _Enter ANNIE, R._

_Annie._ O, brother, what does it all mean? The yard is filled with
people.

     _Enter MAGGIE, R., with broom._

_Maggie._ And the fince is covered wid bys, roosting loike so many
hins. I'll have them off, jist. (_Goes, L._)

_Dr. A._ Stop! Don't open that door. My life's in danger if you open
that door. (_Shouts outside, "Hi! hi! The duchess! the duchess!"_) O,
Lord! the whole village has got it--and got it bad. O, Annie, if you
love me, send for Dr. Allopath, send for Judge Busted, or I am
completely busted.

_Annie._ Brother, are you sick? What does this mean?

     _Enter FRANK and LUCY, R._

_Frank._ It means fame, fortune. O, it's glorious!

_Dr. A._ Glorious to have your front yard filled with a howling,
yelling pack? Hear that. (_Shouts outside, "Hi! hi! The duchess! the
duchess!"_)

_Frank._ O, that's all right.

_Dr. A._ (_jumping up_). All right! And perhaps 'twas all right when I
saw you a half hour ago with your arms around my affianced bride.

_Annie._ You did? O, Frank, how could you?

_Frank._ It's all right, I tell you. (_Shouts outside, as before._) I
can explain. But, in the mean time, we've work before us. Here, Lucy,
just throw that cloud around your head so your eyes alone will be
visible. (_She does so._) That's good. Now, doctor, give Lucy your
arm.

_Dr. A._ But I would like to know--

_Frank._ So you shall. In the mean time unhesitatingly obey me. Your
professional reputation is at stake. Give Lucy your arm, go up stairs,
open the window, step out upon the balcony, and gracefully bow to the
assembled people. (_Shouts as before._)

_Dr. A._ Yes, but this proceeding--

_Lucy._ Is strictly proper. Depend upon it, Adam, there is no other
way.

_Dr. A._ If there is no other way, will you be kind enough to tell me
what this way is?

_Lucy._ Right up stairs. Come.

_Dr. A._ But what is it about?

_Lucy._ About time we were up stairs--so come along.
                                     [_Exit, DR. ACONITE and LUCY, R._

_Annie._ Now, Mr. Frank Friskey, I should like to know--

_Frank._ Hush! (_Goes to door, L. Shouts as before._) I hear them
above. Now he opens the window. Good. (_Outside shouts, "Hurrah!
hurrah! hurrah!"_) Splendid!

_Alice._ Will you oblige me--(_Outside shouts, "Hurrah! hurrah!
hurrah!"_)

_Frank._ Good, good! Ah, now he's shutting the window.

_Maggie._ 'Pon my sowl, is it the prisident?

_Frank._ The crowd is breaking up. (_Knock at door, L._)

     _Enter DR. ACONITE and LUCY, R._

_Dr. A._ Will anybody, male or female, be kind enough to look in my
face, and tell me if I am Adam Aconite, or if I am not Acom Adamite.

_Frank._ I'll be back in a minute. (_Runs off, R._)

_Maggie._ Sure it's the most mysterious mystery that iver took place.
It bates the deluge, sure. (_Knock at door, L._)

_Lucy._ Shall I open the door, doctor?

_Dr. A._ No--yes--don't mind me. I'm not myself. I'm out of my head.
I'm mad, mad, mad! (_Sinks into chair._)

_Annie._ O, brother! isn't this terrible? (_Knock, L._)

_Maggie._ Bedad, there'll be a breakdown at that door, or I'm
mistaken. (_Opens door. OLDBUCK, SHARPSET, PLUMPFACE, and DENNIS
tumble in on floor._) Troth, is that a pelite way to inter the house?
(_They pick themselves up._)

_Oldbuck._ Introduce me, doctor.

_Plumpface._ No; me first, doctor.

_Sharpset._ I'll hold to my bargain.

_Dennis._ Presint me, docther.

_Maggie_ (_swinging her broom round her head_). Shoo! Away wid ye's!
Don't you say the docther's sick? (_They fall back._)

_Dr. A._ (_rising_). Gentlemen, I am at your mercy. An hour ago I was
the possessor of a noble intellect. Now, I am like the reed shaken by
the blast. To whom shall I present you?

_Oldbuck_, _Plumpface_, _Sharpset_, _Dennis_. "The Duchess of Dublin."

_Dr. A._ "Monsieur Tonson come again." (_Sinks into chair._)

_Maggie._ "The Duchess of Dublin." O, be aisy wid yer nonsinse. Sure
there's nobody here that answers to that name at all at all.

     _Enter FRANK, R._

_Frank._ No, because her grace has just been driven away in her own
carriage. I had the honor of bringing her here; I have had the honor
to conduct her from this place, and to receive her thanks for the able
manner in which she has been treated by Dr. Aconite.

_Dr. A._ (_comes down, C._). Have you been taken, too, Frank? Alas!
poor fellow!

_Frank._ O, it's all right! Listen to me. Annie! Lucy! (_Beckons to
them. They come down, C. OLDBUCK, PLUMPFACE, SHARPSET, and DENNIS come
down._) Your pardon, gentlemen, a little family secret.

_Maggie_ (_swings her broom around her head_). Shoo! Ye are
trespassing, d'ye mind! (_They retire._)

_Frank._ Doctor, for all the trouble you have endured to-day, I, and I
alone, am to blame. We are all interested in your success, and, to
insure that success, Lucy and I put our heads together.

_Dr. A._ And your arms about each other--yes.

_Frank._ And concocted a scheme which has succeeded admirably.
(_OLDBUCK, PLUMPFACE, SHARPSET, and DENNIS look at each other, then
stealthily approach, C._)

_Maggie_ (_flourishing broom_). Shoo! Away wid ye's! Have ye's no
manners, ye hathens?

_Frank._ You have your hands full of patients now, from the fact that
it has leaked out that you had under your charge a high-born lady. You
know that one good customer will attract others. Your success is
assured, and our happiness, I trust, not in the distance, as it
appeared to be an hour ago.

_Dr. A._ And you have deceived the trusty public, and given me
position by a lie.

_Frank._ No, for "The Duchess of Dublin" is still under your roof.
Have you forgotten the title I gave to Maggie? and she certainly was
your patient.

_Dr. A._ I never thought of that, Frank. I owe you much. But if ever
you attempt another such trick--

_Frank._ But I shan't. This one will give me a wife (_takes ANNIE'S
hand_), and there will be no more mischief in me.

_Dr. A._ Lucy, what have you to say for yourself?

_Lucy._ O, I'm delighted. It brings our wedding day so much nearer.

_Dr. A._ Well, I suppose I must be satisfied then. Gentlemen (_all
come down R. and L._), I have rather neglected my business to-day,
but, having such a mysterious patient, I think you will pardon me. I
intend, in the future, to give my attention strictly to village
practice.

_Oldbuck._ It's all right, doctor. I'm proud to have as my physician a
gentleman who has been the medical attendant of so distinguished a
personage.

_Plumpface._ Yes, indeed, you've sent my cough off in a hurry, just by
your advice; and if you can keep it from my head--

_Dr. A._ No fear, Mr. Plumpface. I'll cure your head in short order.

_Sharpset._ Say, doctor, can't you give me the address of the lady?
I'll make her a splendid offer to take a position in my Living
Curiosity Gallery.

_Dr. A._ No, that would be betraying profound secrecy.

_Dennis._ Sacrecy, is it? Be jabers, it's no sacret that she's gone.
Ye've a sthrong lift in the profession, and I've a mind to engage ye's
to docther the nine childer, if ye'll make the fays conform to the
size uv thim.

     _Enter ABIGAIL, L._

_Abigail._ And has she gone? and am I bereft of her autograph? O,
cruel doctor! to so basely deceive a lone orphan--

_Dr. A._ Now don't! Say no more about it, my dear miss--madam. It was
a mistake. If you will pardon me, I will endeavor to obtain for you
the autograph of the king of the Cannibal Islands, in red ink, made
from the blood of a missionary.

_Abigail._ Will you? O, then I forgive you, with all my heart.

_Dr. A._ (_to audience_). Ladies and gentlemen, you have witnessed the
success of Dr. Aconite during the last half hour in obtaining
patients. It may possibly occur to you that they have been obtained by
false pretences. But am I to blame? Maggie, come here. (_MAGGIE comes
down L. of DR. ACONITE._) I am seeking patients, and want a good
recommendation. What can you say for me?

_Maggie._ Sure, ye's the illigant docther, so ye are, an' it's a
plisure to be sick wid the chance of being cured or kilt by the loikes
uv ye's.

_Dr. A._ You hear what she says. Can I hope for your support? Will you
become my regular patients? If you will, it shall be my endeavor to
serve you well; and you know I can bring a high recommendation from no
less a personage than her grace, "The Duchess of Dublin."


              _Situations._
   R.       LUCY.  DR. ACONITE.      L.
         ANNIE.          MAGGIE.
      FRANK.               ABIGAIL.
   OLDBUCK.                  SHARPSET.
 DENNIS.                        PLUMPFACE.
                CURTAIN.



SPENCER'S UNIVERSAL STAGE.

_A Collection of COMEDIES, DRAMAS, and FARCES, adapted to either
Public or Private Performance. Containing a full description of all
the necessary Stage Business._

_PRICE, 15 CENTS EACH._ [**hand] _No Plays exchanged._


 1. =Lost in London.= A Drama in Three Acts. 6 Male, 4 Female
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 2. =Nicholas Flam.= A Comedy in Two Acts. By J. B. Buckstone. 5
    Male, 3 Female characters.

 3. =The Welsh Girl.= A Comedy in One Act. By Mrs. Planche. 3
    Male, 2 Female characters.

 4. =John Wopps.= A Farce in One Act. By W. E. Suter. 4 Male, 2
    Female characters.

 5. =The Turkish Bath.= A Farce in One Act. By Montague Williams
    and F. C. Burnand. 6 Male, 1 Female character.

 6. =The Two Puddifoots.= A Farce in One Act. By J. M. Morton. 3
    Male, 3 Female characters.

 7. =Old Honesty.= A Comic Drama in Two Acts. By J. M. Morton. 5
    Male, 2 Female characters.

 8. =Two Gentlemen in a Fix.= A Farce in One Act. By W. E. Suter.
    2 Male characters.

 9. =Smashington Goit.= A Farce in One Act. By T. J. Williams. 5
    Male, 3 Female characters.

 10. =Two Heads Better than One.= A Farce in One Act. By Lenox
     Horne. 4 Male, 1 Female character.

 11. =John Dobbs.= A Farce in One Act. By J. M. Morton. 5 Male, 2
     Female characters.

 12. =The Daughter of the Regiment.= A Drama in Two Acts. By
     Edward Fitzball. 6 Male, 2 Female characters.

 13. =Aunt Charlotte's Maid.= A Farce in One Act. By J. M.
     Morton. 3 Male, 3 Female characters.

 14. =Brother Bill and Me.= A Farce in One Act. By W. E. Suter. 4
     Male, 3 Female characters.

 15. =Done on Both Sides.= A Farce in One Act. By J. M. Morton. 3
     Male, 2 Female characters.

 16. =Dunducketty's Picnic.= A Farce in One Act. By T. J.
     Williams. 6 Male, 3 Female characters.

 17. =I've written to Browne.= A Farce in One Act. By T. J.
     Williams. 4 Male, 3 Female characters.

 18. =Lending a Hand.= A Farce in One Act. By G. A. A'Becket. 3
     Male, 2 Female characters.

 19. =My Precious Betsy.= A Farce in One Act. By J. M. Morton. 4
     Male, 4 Female characters.

 20. =My Turn Next.= A Farce in One Act. By T. J. Williams. 4
     Male, 3 Female characters.

 21. =Nine Points of the Law.= A Comedy in One Act. By Tom
     Taylor. 4 Male, 3 Female characters.

 22. =The Phantom Breakfast.= A Farce in One Act. By Charles
     Selby. 3 Male, 2 Female characters.

 23. =Dandelions Dodges.= A Farce in One Act. By T. J. Williams.
     4 Male, 2 Female characters.

 24. =A Slice of Luck.= A Farce in One Act. By J. M. Morton. 4
     Male, 2 Female characters.

 25. =Always Intended.= A Comedy in One Act. By Horace Wigan. 3
     Male, 3 Female characters.

 26. =A Bull in a China Shop.= A Comedy in Two Acts. By Charles
     Matthews. 6 Male, 4 Female characters.

 27. =Another Glass.= A Drama in One Act. By Thomas Morton. 6
     Male, 3 Female characters.

 28. =Bowled Out.= A Farce in One Act. By H. T. Craven. 4 Male, 3
     Female characters.

 29. =Cousin Tom.= A Commedietta in One Act. By George Roberts. 3
     Male, 2 Female characters.

 30. =Sarah's Young Man.= A Farce in One Act. By W. E. Suter. 3
     Male, 3 Female characters.

 31. =Hit Him, He has No Friends.= A Farce in One Act. By E.
     Yates and N. H. Harrington. 7 Male, 3 Female characters.

 32. =The Christening.= A Farce in One Act. By J. B. Buckstone. 5
     Male, 6 Female characters.

 33. =A Race for a Widow.= A Farce in One Act. By Thomas J.
     Williams. 5 Male, 4 Female characters.

 34. =Your Life's in Danger.= A Farce in One Act. By J. M.
     Morton. 3 Male, 3 Female characters.

 35. =True unto Death.= A Drama in Two Acts. By J. Sheridan
     Knowles. 6 Male, 2 Female characters.

 36. =Diamond cut Diamond.= An Interlude in One Act. By W. H.
     Murray. 10 Male, 1 Female character.

 37. =Look after Brown.= A Farce in One Act. By George A. Stuart,
     M. D. 6 Male, 1 Female character.

 38. =Monseigneur.= A Drama in Three Acts. By Thomas Archer. 15
     Male, 3 Female characters.

 39. =A very pleasant Evening.= A Farce in One Act. By W. E.
     Suter. 3 Male characters.

 40. =Brother Ben.= A Farce in One Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 Male,
     3 Female characters.

 41. =Only a Clod.= A Comic Drama in One Act. By J. P. Simpson. 4
     Male, 1 Female character.

 42. =Gaspardo the Gondolier.= A Drama in Three Acts. By George
     Almar. 10 Male, 2 Female characters.

 43. =Sunshine through the Clouds.= A Drama in One Act. By
     Slingsby Lawrence. 3 Male, 3 Female characters.

 44. =Don't Judge by Appearances.= A Farce in One Act. By J. M.
     Morton. 3 Male, 2 Female characters.

 45. =Nursey Chickweed.= A Farce in One Act. By T. J. Williams. 4
     Male, 2 Female characters.

 46. =Mary Moo; or, Which shall I Marry?= A Farce in One Act. By
     W. E. Suter. 2 Male, 1 Female character.

 47. =East Lynne.= A Drama in Five Acts. 8 Male, 7 Female
     characters.

 48. =The Hidden Hand.= A Drama in Five Acts. By Robert Jones. 16
     Male, 7 Female characters.

 49. =Silverstone's Wager.= A Commedietta in One Act. By R. R.
     Andrews. 4 Male, 3 Female characters.

 50. =Dora.= A Pastoral Drama in Three Acts. By Charles Reade. 5
     Male, 2 Female characters.

 51. =Blanks and Prizes.= A Farce in One Act. By Dexter Smith. 5
     Male, 2 Female characters.

 52. =Old Gooseberry.= A Farce in One Act. By T. J. Williams. 4
     Male, 2 Female characters.

 53. =Who's Who.= A Farce in One Act. By T. J. Williams. 3 Male,
     2 Female characters.

 54. =Bouquet.= A Farce in One Act. 2 Male, 3 Female characters.

 55. =The Wife's Secret.= A Play in Five Acts. By George W.
     Lovell. 10 Male, 2 Female characters.

 56. =The Babes in the Wood.= A Comedy in Three Acts. By Tom
     Taylor. 10 Male, 3 Female characters.

 57. =Putkins: Heir to Castles in the Air.= A Comic Drama in One
     Act. By W. R. Emerson. 2 Male, 2 Female characters.

 58. =An Ugly Customer.= A Farce in One Act. By Thomas J.
     Williams. 3 Male, 2 Female characters.

 59. =Blue and Cherry.= A Comedy in One Act. 3 Male, 2 Female
     characters.

 60. =A Doubtful Victory.= A Comedy in One Act. 3 Male, 2 Female
     characters.

 61. =The Scarlet Letter.= A Drama in Three Acts. 8 Male, 7
     Female characters.

 62. =Which will have Him?= A Vaudeville. 1 Male, 2 Female
     characters.

 63. =Madam is Abed.= A Vaudeville in One Act. 2 Male, 2 Female
     characters.

 64. =The Anonymous Kiss.= A Vaudeville. 2 Male, 2 Female
     characters.

 65. =The Cleft Stick.= A Comedy in Three Acts. 5 Male, 3 Female
     characters.

 66. =A Soldier, a Sailor, a Tinker, and a Tailor.= A Farce in
     One Act. 4 Male, 2 Female characters.

 67. =Give a Dog a Bad Name.= A Farce. 2 Male, 2 Female
     characters.

 68. =Damon and Pythias.= A Farce. 6 Male, 4 Female characters.

 69. =A Husband to Order.= A Serio-Comic Drama in Two Acts. 5
     Male, 3 Female characters.

 70. =Payable on Demand.= A Domestic Drama in Two Acts. 7 Male, 1
     Female character.


_Price, =15= cents each. Descriptive Catalogue mailed free on
application to_

 GEO. M. BAKER & CO.,
 149 WASHINGTON ST., BOSTON.



Plays for Amateur Theatrics.


By GEORGE M. BAKER.

_Author of "Amateur Dramas," "The Mimic Stage," "The Social Stage,"
"The Drawing-room Stage," "A Baker's Dozen," &c._

=Titles in this Type are New Plays.=


DRAMAS.

 _In Three Acts._                                              _Cts._

 =My Brother's Keeper.= 5 male, 3 female characters.              15

 _In Two Acts._

 =Among the Breakers.= 6 male, 4 female characters.               15
 SYLVIA'S SOLDIER. 3 male, 2 female characters.                   15
 ONCE ON A TIME. 4 male, 2 female characters.                     15
 DOWN BY THE SEA. 6 male, 3 female characters.                    15
 BREAD ON THE WATERS. 5 male, 3 female characters.                15
 THE LAST LOAF. 5 male, 3 female characters.                      15

 _In One Act._

 STAND BY THE FLAG. 5 male characters.                            15
 THE TEMPTER. 3 male, 1 female charac.                            15


COMEDIES and FARCES.

 =The Boston Dip.= 4 male, 3 female characters.                   15
 =The Duchess of Dublin.= 6 male, 4 female characters.            15
 WE'RE ALL TEETOTALERS. 4 male, 2 female characters.              15
 A DROP TOO MUCH. 4 male, 2 female characters.                    15
 THIRTY MINUTES FOR REFRESHMENTS. 4 male, 3 female characters.    15
 A LITTLE MORE CIDER. 5 male, 3 female characters.                15

 _Male Characters Only._

 =Gentlemen of the Jury.= 12 char.                                15
 =A Tender Attachment.= 7 char.                                   15
 =The Thief of Time.= 6 char.                                     15
 =The Hypochondriac.= 5 char.                                     15
 =A Public Benefactor.= 6 char.                                   15
 =The Runaways.= 4 char.                                          15
 =Coals of Fire.= 6 char.                                         15
 WANTED, A MALE COOK. 4 char.                                     15
 A SEA OF TROUBLES. 8 char.                                       15
 FREEDOM OF THE PRESS. 8 char.                                    15
 A CLOSE SHAVE. 6 char.                                           15
 THE GREAT ELIXIR. 9 char.                                        15
 THE MAN WITH THE DEMIJOHN. 4 char.                               15
 HUMORS OF THE STRIKE. 8 char.                                    15
 NEW BROOMS SWEEP CLEAN. 6 char.                                  15
 MY UNCLE THE CAPTAIN. 6 char.                                    15

 _Female Characters Only._

 =The Red Chignon.= 6 char.                                       15
 =Using the Weed.= 7 char.                                        15
 =A Love of a Bonnet.= 5 char.                                    15
 =A Precious Pickle.= 6 char.                                     15
 THE GREATEST PLAGUE IN LIFE. 8 cha.                              15
 NO CURE, NO PAY. 7 char.                                         15
 THE GRECIAN BEND. 7 char.                                        15


ALLEGORIES.

_Arranged for Music and Tableaux._

 =The Revolt of the Bees.= 9 female characters.                   15
 LIGHTHEART'S PILGRIMAGE. 8 female characters.                    15
 THE WAR OF THE ROSES. 8 female characters.                       15
 THE SCULPTOR'S TRIUMPH. 1 male, 4 female characters.             15


MUSICAL AND DRAMATIC.

 =The Seven Ages.= A Tableau Entertainment. Numerous male and
     female characters.                                           15
 TOO LATE FOR THE TRAIN. 2 male characters.                       15
 SNOW BOUND; OR, ALONZO THE BRAVE AND THE FAIR IMOGENE. 3 male,
     1 female character.                                          25
 BONBONS; OR, THE PAINT-KING. 3 male, 1 female character.         25
 THE PEDLER OF VERY NICE. 7 male characters.                      15
 AN ORIGINAL IDEA. 1 male, 1 female character.                    15
 CAPULETTA; OR, ROMEO AND JULIET RESTORED. 3 male, 1 female
     character.                                                   15


_TEMPERANCE PIECES._

 THE LAST LOAF. 5 male, 3 female characters.                      15
 THE TEMPTER. 3 male, 1 female character.                         15
 WE'RE ALL TEETOTALERS. 4 male, 2 female characters.              15
 A DROP TOO MUCH. 4 male, 2 female characters.                    15
 A LITTLE MORE CIDER. 5 male, 3 female characters.                15
 THE MAN WITH THE DEMIJOHN. 4 characters.                         15



Transcriber's Notes


Words surrounded by _ are italicized.

Words surrounded by = are bold.

Small capitals are presented as all capitals in this e-text.

Obvious printer's errors have been repaired, other inconsistent
spellings have been kept.

In the original book, the advertisement titled "SPENCER'S UNIVERSAL
STAGE" were divided into two halves, the first half in the beginning
of the book (before the drama) and the second half at the end. In this
e-book, both halves have been kept together at the end.





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