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Title: The English Rogue: Continued in the Life of Meriton Latroon, and Other Extravagants: The Fourth Part
Author: Kirkman, Francis, Head, Richard
Language: English
As this book started as an ASCII text book there are no pictures available.
Copyright Status: Not copyrighted in the United States. If you live elsewhere check the laws of your country before downloading this ebook. See comments about copyright issues at end of book.

*** Start of this Doctrine Publishing Corporation Digital Book "The English Rogue: Continued in the Life of Meriton Latroon, and Other Extravagants: The Fourth Part" ***

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                           Transcriber’s Note

This version of the text cannot represent certain typographical effects.
Italics are delimited with the ‘_’ character as _italic_.

Given the publication date (late 17th century), the capitalization,
spelling and punctuation of the original, is variable, There are a
number of instances where it is very likely a printer’s error has been
made, These have been corrected, and are summarized in the transcriber’s
note at the end of the text.

There are several full page panelled illustrations, which were not
included in the pagination, and have been moved slightly in the text in
order to avoid falling within a paragraph. Each panel serves as
illustration of a numbered chapter.

Several concessions to modernity are made. The text employed the long
‘s’ (‘ſ’), which has been rendered here as a modern ‘s’. Likewise the
ligature of ‘ct’ is given as the two separate characters.

[Illustration]



                                  THE
                            ~English Rogue~:

                        Continued in the Life of
                            MERITON LATROON,
                               AND OTHER
                            _EXTRAVAGANTS_.

                     Comprehending the most Eminent
                                 CHEATS
                                   OF
                              BOTH SEXES.

          Read, _but do’nt_ Practice: _for the Author findes,
          They which live_ Honest _have most quiet mindes_.

            Dixero si quid forte jocosius hoc mihi juris
            Cum & enia dabis.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------

                           The _Fourth_ Part.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------

               With the Illustration of Pictures to every
                                Chapter.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------

                               _LONDON_,

          Printed for _Francis Kirkman_, and are to be Sold by
          _William Rands_ at the _Crown_ in _Duck-lane_. 1680.



                                  THE
                                PREFACE.


Gentlemen

W_e see there is a necessity for our travailing in the common road or_
High-way _of_ Prefacing; _as if the Reader could neither receive nor
digest the_ Pabulum mentis, _or fatten by the mental nourishment,
without a preparatory. And yet we think it savours neither of civility,
nor good manners to fall on without saying something of a grace; but we
do not love that it should be so tedious, as to take away your stomack
from the meat, and therefore that we may not be condemned for that
prolixity we mislike in others, we shall briefly tell you how little we
value the favour of such_ Readers, _who take a pride to blast the_ Wits
_of others, imagining thereby to augment the reputation of their own:
What unexpected success we have obtained in the publication of the
former parts, will keep us from despairing, that in this we shall be
less fortunate than in the other. But although our_ Books _have been
generally received with great applause, and read with much delight and
satisfaction, at home and abroad, (having travailed many thousand miles)
yet we do not imagine them to be without their_ Errata’s, _for which
they have suffered very hard Correction; this is a younger brother to
the former, lawfully begotten, and if you will compare their faces, you
will find they resemble one another very much: Or else match this
pattern with the former cloth, you will find it of the same colour,
wool, and spinning, only it having passed the curious hands of an
excellent_ Artist, _he hath by shearing and dressing it made it somewhat
thinner, and withall finer, than was intended; however we hope it will
prove a good_ lasting piece, _and serviceable. You cannot imagin the
charge and trouble we have been at, in raising this building, which we
must acknowledg was erected upon an old foundation. From the actions of
others we gather’d matter, which materials we methodized, and so formed
this structure. We challenge nothing but the order; it may be called
ours, as the_ Bucentauro _may be now called the same it was some hundred
of years since, when the Pope therein first married the_ Duke _of_
Venice _to the_ Seas, _having been from that time so often mended and
repaired, as that it is thought, there is not left a chip of her
primitive building. So what remarkable stories, and strange relations we
have taken up on trust, by hear-say, or otherwise, we have so altered by
augmentation, or deminution, (as occasion served) that this may be more
properly called a new Composition, rather than an old Collection, of
what witty_ Extravagancies _are therein contained. As to the verity of
those ingenious Exploits, Subtle Contrivances, crafty projects, horrid
villanies_, &c. _we have little to say, but though we shall not assert
the truth of them all, yet there are none, which carry not circumstances
enough to make apparent their probability. And you may confidently
believe, that most of them have been lately acted, though not by one,
two, three, a score, nay many more. To conclude, (least we tire your
patience with tedious preambles) it is our desire that you will have a
charitable opinion of us, and censure not our writings according to
their desert; we are ready to condemn them, before you examine their
faults, what would ye more? We are not insensible, that_ ours _are many,
and are forc’t to bear the burden of the_ Printers _too; we know the
stile is mean and vulgar, so are the Interlocutors, and therefore most
requisite and allowable; the Subject is Evil, (you say) and may vitiate
the Reader; the_ Bee _gathers honey from the worst of weeds; and the_
Toad _poison, from the best of Herbs. An ignorant young_ Plowman
_learn’d from a Sermon how to steal an Ox, by the Parsons introducing a
Simile; even as_ the stubborn Horn is made soft, pliable, and to be
shaped as you please, by laying a Hot loaf thereon; _so is &c. which he
trying so effectually chang’d the form of the_ Ox-head, _that the right
Owner knew not his own Beast. There is no matter so good, but may be
perverted, which is worst of all, for_, Corruptio optimi est pessima;
_and there is no Subject so bad, out of which some good may not be
collected; this drolling discourse, will, I question not, in the
reading, prove not only facetious, but profitable, which if you find, we
have obtain’d our desired end._

            (_Omne tulit punctum qui miscuit utile dulci._)

_And subscribe our selves_

                                   Your Friends and Servants

                                   _Richard Head_. _Fra. Kirkman_.

[Illustration]



                                  THE
                             ENGLISH ROGUE

                        Continued in the Life of

                            MERITON LATROON,

                               AND OTHER

                             EXTRAVAGANTS.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

                              _PART, IV._

------------------------------------------------------------------------



                                CHAP. I.

_Sayling from St._ Helena, &c. _Landing at_ Messina, _the Captain_,
  Latroon, &c. _sell Ship and Goods; the Seamen falling out and killing
  one another, they leave them and go for_ Palermo; _Thence they travel
  into the Country, and describe it with its Rarities and Wonders. A
  comical Adventure in a house supposedly haunted, as they travelled
  through_ Gergento _with their Mulletteer_.


Whilst we anchored at the Island of St. _Helena_ there happened a sad
Accident; whilst we were recreating and refreshing our selves in the
Island, one of our men (that brought us ashore in the Skiff) being an
excellent Swimmer, stript himself, and over the side of the Boat he
went, he had not been long in the water before such as stood on the
shore to see him swim, perceived a _Shark_ to make towards him; who
cryed out, A _Shark_, a _Shark_, hasten to the Boat; which he did with
incredible speed, and had laid his hands on her side as the _Shark_
snapt at his Leg, and having it in his mouth turned on his back, and
twisted it off from his knee. The fellow protested to me that when this
was done, he felt no pain any where but under his Arm-pits; the fellow
was drest and perfectly cur’d; afterwards this very _Shark_ was taken by
one of our men, fishing for him with a great piece of Raw-Beef, and when
his belly was ripp’d open, the Leg was found whole therein. From St.
_Helena_, having taken in fresh water, and gotten in some other
refreshment that the Island afforded, we set sail with a fresh breeze
and good weather.

Our Captain getting himself into the great Cabbin, gave the word for me,
I coming to him, now, said he, let you and I have a little private
discourse together, to the intent that we may perfect with safety what
we have enterpriz’d with hazard. You know my full intent as to the
disposing of the Ship and Goods to my own use and benefit, excepting
only what is yours, and the rest of our Comrades: What your old friend
in Breeches hath with great hazard ventur’d for, let her enjoy it freely
since she hath deserved it, and that you may see the frankness of my
Spirit, go, get our friends together that I may inform them, that though
I play the Rogue with others, yet I will be just to them; your _Newgate_
Birds will have such as wrong their own fraternity to be stigmatiz’d,
and branded with a name of Infamy indelible.

I quickly got them together, and having provided for us what Meat and
Liquors (the best) he had aboard, he then told us that we were all
heartily welcome, and that he was now, more than ever our friend, and
having taken a good lusty draught of what he had before him, seeing it
go round; friends and fellow-Travellers, said he, from my Childhood I
have had wondrous and various vicissitudes of Fortune, in so much that
though the relation of several of your lives which I have had, seems
very strange and eminently remarkable to me, yet when you shall hear me
giving you an account of the transactions of my life, which I shall
trouble you with very speedily, you will look upon them as incredible as
_Mounsieur_ St. _Serfs_ Voyage into the Moon, or the Travels of Sir
_John Mandivle_; In all the various windings and turnings of my life, I
never was settled long in one Condition. It is true, from very low and
mean beginnings I have got to the height of considerable employments,
from a Parish Child, I was for my Rogueries condemned to be transported,
by subtle deportment and insinuating behaviour I changed my Doom, and
was made Cabbin-boy, from thence I did gradually rise passing through
every Office that doth belong to a Ship till I was constituted a
Captain, several Voyages I have made to most parts of the known World,
and have gotten great sums of money, but no sooner did I call it my own,
but it vanished by shipwrack, or I was taken Prisoner and lost it that
way. I am now in my declension, and having a fairer opportunity than
ever I yet had, or ever thought to have to enrich my self, and sit down
quietly in some remote Corner of the World, I am resolved to lay hold on
it. And now coming near the Coast of _Europe_ I shall tell you my
resolution, that I intend to make my self a voluntary Exile to my own
Countrey. In order thereunto I shall shape my course for the
_Streights_, which will harbor my design in disposing of my goods,
neither will it be prejudicial to you to accompany me thither, since
from thence you may dispose your selves to the best and most flourishing
Countries of the World.

Here he paused a while to hear our opinion, which we acquainted him with
unanimously, that we were very joyful to continue longer in his company,
and that we would see him anchored in his designed Port, or run what
ever fortune should befal him; having assured him this, he continued his
discourse: Since I know your minds, and am, and shall be obliged to you
for your societies, I shall endeavour to requite your kindnesses: and
that my words may not seem airy pretences without performances, I shall
make this Proposition which if granted, you shall know how I have
studied a way to gratifie you. It is this, Master _Latroon_, the
Scrivener there, and Drugster, shall give each of them one hundred
pounds a piece to Mistress _Dorothy_, and that I may not exempt my self
from helping her forward into the World, I will give the like sum with
this Box of rough Diamonds, which I know is worth as much more; we all
consented: next, said he, every man according to his stock of money
expended in the procuration of what Commodities we have aboard upon the
Sale thereof shall receive it again, and his profit thereof according to
proportion, with an equal dividend of what Goods was taken upon credit.
You shall see me so just to you, that I will somewhat injure my self by
taking no fraught from you, but instead thereof the principal Officers
shall share with us, and the private Seamen shall have double pay out of
the same Goods which we took upon trust.

Upon this we all agreed, and the noise of this Agreement running through
the Ship, the nicest of them all from the highest to the lowest liked so
well the Knavish-generosity of our Captain, that they all caper’d for
joy, and having brought out what Brandy they had on the Decks, drinking
the Captains Health, protesting to serve him with their lives, they
received Commands to stand away for _Sicilia_, where in a little time we
safely came to an Anchor.

Arriving at _Sicilia_ an Island of the Mediterranean-Sea, seated between
_Italy_ and _Africk_, we made choice of _Messina_, a City as it is the
most illustrious one, in that all-fruitful and ever-flourishing Island,
so it is for all manner of forreign Commerce as much crowded with the
great Conflux of strangers as most places in _Europe_; here we landed,
and soon found it the onely place of the world that would best fit our
purpose: The Joy that possess’d such especially that had never been
there before, undoubtedly would have over-swell’d its Banks and become
boundless, had not the prudent foresight of some of us hindred its
increase by informing there were some black threatning Clouds of danger
still hung over our heads, and that we could not be safe till we had
settled our affairs by the sale of our Ship and Goods, then if they
would ride post to their pleasures none should stop them in their
Carreer; this something qualified their exultation and rejoycing, and
every one officiated in his proper function.

Our Commodities were not only excellently good in their kind, but
extraordinary rich and valuable, the knowledge whereof soon reaching the
ears of the Inhabitants and Merchants of _Messina_, they came in Droves
to us, because it was troublesome to deal with so many, we resolv’d to
make a quick market of the Continent and things contained, Ship and
_Cargo_ altogether. This Proposition better pleas’d those wealthy
Citizens, than if we had plaid the Hucksters with our Commodities,
wherefore two of the most wealthy and greatest account amongst them
bought all, paying us ready money without a penny Credit. After that
every man had received his share or dividend proportionably, and
according to a general Agreement; we divided our selves into parties as
Interest or Inclination lead us. The Captain, Scrivener, Drugster,
_Jane, Doll_, and my self were of one company, the Sea-men with the
Under-officers of the ship divided themselves into several Gangs or
Squadrons, who having more money now than their Great grand-fathers ever
told in their lives, fell into such an excess of Debauchery, that the
Citizens thought that Hell had plotted a Conspiracy to disturb their
quiet, and these were the Emissaries who should put it in execution.

Getting drunk they frequently quarrell’d about their _Sicilian_ wenches,
and indeed to give them their due they seem by the out-side to be worth
the going to Logger-heads for, sometimes they fell together by the ears,
in that one that deserved not to have a quarter so much as himself, yet
had full as much; and now having store of money they regarded their
gentility, in that manner that they stood upon every punctilio to defend
it from the calumnies and aspersions of such who had but a little before
been _hail fellow, well met_: so that now the least seeming affront
would not go down with them, unless it were steept in the blood that
dropt from the Nose of the Affronter, when there was a cessation of Arms
among themselves, then would they ramble about the streets like mad men,
abusing whomever they met, and were well chasten’d for their pains,
several of them coming short home.

The City began now to mutter, and verily believed them to be a parcel of
Rogues that had sold what was none of their own, and probably to the
ruin of many an honest man; and was therefore resolved to endure this
outrage no longer.

We hearing this, thought our selves very unsafe whilst in _Messina_, and
therefore concluded to remove thence to _Palermo_, a City in the same
Island of _Sicilia_. By enquiry I found the most convenient and
customary way of travelling thither was by _Mules_, which are plentiful
for Hire; I bargained for as many as would conveniently carry our
company which were six, and our money; and so with as much privacy as we
could we departed _Messina_; these _Mules_ travelled very commodiously
with us, and carried us over the mountains both with speed and security;
and although it was an hundred and eighty miles from the City we left
behind us, to _Palermo_, yet we got thither in less then four days.

In this famous City of _Palermo_ (the fairest of all others of _Sicily_,
and at present the Metropolis and Regal Seat) we stayed some
considerable time, and laying aside for a while our shifting and
cheating, _&c._ having enough, that we might employ our wits and
inventions in nothing but contriving variety of Recreations, and
Pleasures, which were the novel, we cared not at what excessive rate we
purchas’d them.

The Captain and my self being more than half glutted with City delights
resolved, for some few days to travel into the Countrey, and since it
was so famously noted, we would not leave it till we had seen those
Excellencies and Rarities wherewith it injoyes Fames Trumpet through the
whole Universe. In order thereunto taking our leave of our Friends, and
promising to return within five or six days, we proceeded in our
progress. In our short Itinerary we saw many brave Towns, and wonderful
Places, which told, would exceed belief, as Mount _Ætna_, and
_Mongibello_, _Strombellow_, _&c._ which though it belcheth
inexpressible and continual fire out of its bowels, yet hath its head
notwithstanding (on that part where the fire issues) covered with deep
Snow till the midst of Summer. In _Meunenino_ is the lake _Nastia_,
where in three Eddies you may perfectly perceive boyling water, which
gurgles up with an intolerable stink, and sometimes you may see it spew
up flames of fire. It hath likewise in sundry other places divers other
fountains of admirable nature and quality.

In some Caves and Grots we were shown by the people, we saw the vastly
big and immense bodies of men in former time, which were accounted
Monsters of Men or Gyants, or to verifie the matter, they believe
themselves that a long time since, the _Cyclops_ inhabited their Island.
We found the People generally acute, and quick-witted, very facetious,
and of a jolly temper, which suited well with the Nature of the
Countrey. For to be brief, this Island is not inferiour to any other,
either for its fatness or abundance; exceeding _Italy_ in the excellency
of their Grain, Saffron, Honey, Beasts-skins, and other things either
for Profit or pleasure, in so much that as it was call’d by _Tully_ the
Granary of the world, so _Homer_ call’d it the Island of the Sun, and
would have us believe all things grew there spontaneously of their own
accord; the salubrity of the air is very excellent, as well as the
abundance of terrene sustenance, and plenty of all things necessary for
mans use, and indeed may be counted the best, which it either affords
naturally, or produceth by man’s ingenuity.

Wild-oats grow there, without sowing, and the Vines without planting;
their Wines are most delicate, their fruit of all sorts grow with great
plenty and goodness; to be short, there is nothing wanting which may not
only delight the eye, but please the most critical Palat with whatever
may be accounted gustful.

Being almost tired with variety of objects abroad, and being not willing
to trust our Comrads at home too much, fearing the temptation of a too
long absence, we concluded to return, which I perceived was no small
trouble to our _Mulletteer_, whom we hired to shew us the Countrey, and
the rather, because he could indifferently speak good _English_,
intelligible at least, for this Rogue had not been accustomed to fare as
we made him do, and therefore he had been well content to have travelled
through the whole Universe at that Rate. Being homewards bound, and the
day being far spent, we came to a place called _Gergento_, near which is
the Territory of _Matharuca_, a small Town, in which there were but few
houses; however we rode up to the best of them, and commanded our Guide
to ask whether we might have entertainment there that night: The Master
of the house took it as a great affront that his house should be
accounted an Inn, and answered him snappishly that he might look his
masters lodging where it was made a profession to accommodate Passengers
on the road: he asked him, where such accommodation might be had? to
which the other replyed, he knew none nearer than three Leagues.

Our Guide told us what he said, which nettel’d me to some purpose;
insomuch that I could not but express some passion, and a great deal of
trouble that we should be exposed to the travelling so far, and so late;
which the Gentleman taking notice of, seeing by my Garb I must be a
Gentleman, though a stranger, and therefore could not be ignorant of the
_Latine_ tongue so ornamental and universally useful, addrest himself
very civilly to me, and desired me (in _Latine_) that I would take no
exception at whatever had pass’d, that though his house was no Inn, yet
he should be very glad to accommodate any Gentleman with a Lodging,
especially in such an extremity, had he not been that very day deprived
of the means by the arrival of some friends of his from _Syracusa_,
which had filled his house excepting only one Room, which if I would not
think with my friend too mean and unworthy for our reception, he should
gladly spare it, and with it, what the house afforded. I tendered him in
the behalf of my self and the Captain a thousand thanks, in the same
tongue, though not in so quaint a dialect, being somewhat deficient in
the propriety and Ideom of that noble Language, assuring him we should
not be so forgetful as to prove ingrateful for this favour he was
pleased to confer upon us; upon this we dismounted, and giving our Mules
to our Guide we were conducted into a very handsome Rome by this
_Seignior de Domo_, and caressed by him and his newly arrived friends as
if we had been of their antient acquaintance. I could hardly forbear
laughing outright to see what a confusion the Captain was in, when they
spake to him, for they spake to him in their own tongue, which is a
rough _Italian_ without any sweetness, which they perceiving he
understood not, they spake _Latine_, and then _Spanish_, of all which he
understood not so much as to make sense, and therefore answered them in
_French_, which none of them understood, so that when he saw the
distorting of his eyes and mouth, which was shaped in a hundred forms
(partly for confusion, and partly for vexation) would not interpret his
meaning; he applied himself to his fingers, telling his story after such
an antick manner, that as I laught, the Company had much ado to forbear
bearing me company: Seeing him grow almost angry, I thought it high time
to make an Apology for him, pretending that what I said, was what he
would have said, but that his language was _non-intelligent_ in the
Company.

Supper, by that time we had chatted a little longer (_modo Italiano_)
was served to the Table, and with some Ceremony seated our selves,
without his Wife or Daughters, although he had both, and as I afterwards
found, had such angelical countenances, that in stead of obscuring or
absconding so great a lustre, he might have gloried in communicating
their external perfections to our sight, which were illustrated by the
adjuncts of so many transcendent concurrences of beautiful _Ideas_.

We did not _German_-like after this Evenings Repast, presently fall to
drinking as if we had lately swallowed the Offals of half a dozen
slaughter-houses, and now were pouring down liquor in abundance to
sweeten the Funnel or cleanse the Common-shore that the filth had
contaminated within us; but instead thereof we entred into very pleasant
and agreeable discourse, every one having the liberty of inlarging it as
he thought fit without interruption.

Among a great variety of several Subjects, that of Phantasms and
Aparitions fell in our way, one affirming he believ’d that though
Spirits might appear formerly, yet it would not enter into his belief
that now there was any such thing; Nay, said another, methinks you may
be easily convinc’d of the contrary by those Legions of stories to this
purpose, so that I should think there should be some Fire whence all
this Smoak comes. Said the Master of the house, if you will not believe
what is contained in so many Volumes written by the Pens of so many
learned and pious Divines, believe yet the reports of such as now are
living, have seen Phantasms in several shapes, and have heard their
terrifying noise, amongst whom I am one, and I shall tell you to my
great trouble that this very house of mine is to this day, from a
considerable time since, afflicted with horrible Apparitions. Gentlemen,
said he, fear not, he confines himself to one Room only, and so, that he
that lyeth in the next, shall be so far from being disturbed, that he
shall neither see nor hear anything: and this is the Room, speaking to
us, which this disturbed Fiend makes his Rendezvouz, and for no other
reason I refused you Lodging, all my other Rooms being prepossess’d by
those Gentlemen my _Amigo’s_. This shall not daunt us, said I, but we
will lie there this night that we may resolve to morrow what is now much
doubted.

Bidding them good night, several offer’d themselves to accompany us till
morn, but we refus’d it, judging their proffer a Complement by the
pallid hue of their countenances. It was not long after our departure
e’re every one in the whole house betook themselves to their respective
Chambers there to take their rest. My stout Captain (as I have
sufficiently made appear) had no mind to take any, either for fear he
should be caught napping by the Fiend, or else seeing him by flight,
escape him; I was partly of his mind too, rather desiring to contend
with a thousand men than one Devil. The Captain and my self sate up in
our Room till we judg’d it to be about midnight, and then seeing nothing
(our eyes being almost shut by sitting up so long) we went to bed, and
quickly fell asleep.

Our _Mulletteer_ (either having not filled his belly at Supper, or the
remembrance of such excellent food which he had seen not letting him
sleep till he had the other bout with it) got up where he lay, and
having observed where the Servants had placed on a shelf a large Dish of
most incomparable food in a small Closet accompanied with several flasks
of _Flowrence_-wine, he softly crope down the stairs, and got to this
Room where the delights of his heart stood, but endeavouring to take
down the dish (which proving too heavy for him to manage) slipt out of
his hands, and in its fall broke down a small shelf that had a great
many Pewter-plates thereon, with other rattling stuff, all which
together made a fearful noise, and so great that not a Person in the
house but what awak’d thereat; but such was their Courage that not one
of them would stir, for they now really concluded the Spirit was come,
as for my own part my Captain and self were so terrified and affrighted
at this hideous noise that we now believed what reports we heard, and
therefore were resolved to lye a bed, and sweat our selves to death,
rather than rise in that reaking condition and endanger our lives by
catching cold, as the sweat dropt from us, so we trembled that the bed
shook, I am sure it was not with cold.

Whilst we were in this fearful Agony, the Rogue our _Mulletteer_, who
listning what effects this clutting Alarm would produce, and hearing no
person stirring, concluded we were all dead asleep through the whole
house, fell on manfully on the Cheer that was before him, getting out
some Bottles of Wine, interloyning every bit with a large soop of the
bottle, having now stuft his gut and fill’d his head with the fumes of
Wine, which he drank at no aim, he gets to the stairs, but the covetous
and provident Rascal fearing he should be dry before morning, steps back
and takes with him a flask of that wine he had already so freely drank
of, and mounts the stairs softly with it in his hand, advancing to the
top of the stairs, directly against which our Chamber-door stood, he
stumbled upon the head of the stairs, and endeavouring to save himself
and the Bottle, he raised that hand aloft, wherein it was, and falling,
not being able to recover himself, dasht the Bottle against our door
with so much fury, that I do not think there was a piece of the glass in
the flask the breadth of a shilling, the suddain surprize of this dismal
and horrid thump made the Captain start with such a leap that he fell
out of the bed, bearing the Bed-staff with him which so rattled in his
fall, that this added very much to the horrour that had invaded all our
spirits. This noise in our Chamber confirmed the justness of their fears
throughout the house, only that of our Mulletters was of a different
nature; for he believing his Masters (as he call’d us) were getting up
to find what was the matter, endeavoured to get down the said way he got
up, but groaping with his hands, met with the shattered flask on the top
of the stairs, which tumbling down to the bottom, the noise of the
fractur’d glass perfectly resembled the gingling of Chains.

It is impossible for me to characterize their fear and fright, both
which together had so totally routed what courage they had within them,
that a Corporal Pygmie with two files of revolted Cranes would at that
time have taken them all Prisoners. Our _Mulletteer_ fearing by this
second alarm that he should now infallibly wake some of the house; who
finding him in that condition would undoubtedly suspect him of some
vilanous Design, therefore thought it his safest way to march down
again, and lay his Carkass any where till it was day, Being half way
down the stairs, he could hear the voice of one crying, _Il Diabolo, Il
Diabolo_, The Devil, the Devil, repeating it often, which so affrighted
him that he thought to have returned back, but hearing the noise go from
him, with the trampling of feet on the stones as in flight, he boldly
pursued them, _Questo Diabolo_, what Devil, and where, I am none, but I
will see what Devil you are. These were three Rogues which had a long
time design’d to rob this house, not living far off it; who were well
acquainted with this house, and had heard that it was visited by
Phantasms; now as they were about to mount the stairs they met with the
flask, and broken glass in it, which frighted them away from that
enterprize as effectually, as if the Devil with the gingling his Chains
had come to meet them.

Our _Mulletteer_ had not been so long a Rogue, condemned twice to be a
Gally slave, and very narrowly escap’d from being broken on the wheel,
but that he quickly smelt the plot of these three Night-walkers, that
they were only bent on mischief, so taking advantage of the fright their
guilty Consciences put them in, he seized one of their Swords, which he
exercised so well that they found they had another sort of spirit to
deal with, than what they had fled from; it being a _Devil incarnate_;
disarming the Thieves he raised the house, but with much ado, and had
not done it, had he not shown their light in their Dark lanthorn, none
yet daring to be so bold as to come down in the dark to light a Candle;
and now they began to creep out of their Chambers with as much caution,
as if their way had been planted with _Spanish_-needles. The Captain and
my self waited when some others would stir first, and others exspected
the like from us, but at length casting off this enslaving Cowardise, we
went down the stairs, meeting with the Gentleman of the house,
accompanied with some of his last nights Guests, and so descended into
the Court-yard together, where we found our _Mulletteer_ with Swords
enough to furnish us all, his Captives lying at his feet not daring to
stir; these, said he, are the Devils that haunt this house, but I will
lay them for you, I will conjure them far enough off if you will but say
the word; leading them into the Hall, we met with one of the Menials of
the house whose haste had made him (after an hours consideration what
was best to be done) to leave his Doublet behind him, yet forgot not his
Sword.

Upon his first Examination they confest what they intended to do, that
there was four more in their company who had made their escape, but were
ignorant of what they carryed with them. Their own confession was a
sufficient conviction, and so they were secured for the present, by
tying Neck and Heels together.

The old Gentleman missing some of his friends, began to condemn them for
their sluggishness, and supinity; come, said he, let us take them
napping and in that posture upbraid them with their sloath: We hereupon
followed him up stairs, and entring their Chambers found nought but the
furniture therein; without speaking one word, away he ran hastily to his
Daughters Chamber, but found that as empty of Lodgers as the rest; and a
Cabinet which he committed to her custody gone, which was worth a very
valuable sum: at the sight hereof you might have blown the old Gentleman
down, had not passion animated him and kept him up from sinking, which
he discharg’d so violently on those that were left behind, which were
the aged Kindred of the young man that had stoln this fair Maid away,
that as much as ever they could do to bear the shock, but at last
unanimously protesting they were innocent and ignorant of what was done,
and promising they would use their utmost assistance and endeavour in
the speedy restitution of his Daughter inviolated, he believ’d them
guiltless, and begg’d them to be as good as their word.

And now consulting what he should do with his Prisoners, he was advised
to send his man for an Officer, and secure them in a place not far
distant, erected for the confinement of Felons, Murderers, &c. as he was
going out he had forgot his Doublet for haste, although he had his Sword
on, wherefore he was call’d back, who being ordered to fetch it first,
was prevented by the Maids coming full butt as he was going in the
search thereof, he would have pass’d her, had I not perceived she had a
thing like a Waste-coat on, and therefore calling to him, said, Save
your self the labour, here is what you are going to seek for; coming
back he found his Doublet on the maids back, I imagining whence this
Mistake did arise, to make our sorrowful Landlord a little sport, Sir,
said I, Do you not see your Maid hath got your mans Doublet already, and
will no doubt, get his Breeches too if you do not prevent it; and then
looking to his leggs and seeing what a traiterous mistake he had
committed; Do you Sir, said I, buy your mans Stockings of two different
colours, the one is blue, you see, the other grey; hereupon the maids
Stockings were examined and found to be on the one side gray, the other
side true blue. This made the Company all laugh, neither could the old
Gentleman forbear to smile, but having other business to think on,
commanded them to restore to each other what they had borrowed, and he
would take a time to examine the cause thereof, plain enough from what
was seen to outward appearance.

These Rogues being committed to a publick Goal, he could not be quiet
but he must go into his Daughters Chamber again, and upon a review
thereof found a Letter directed to him, to this purpose:

Sir,

Y_ou may justly blame me for leaving your House without your consent or
privity, but when you shall consider it was to avoid my eternal ruine, I
hope the Sentence and Punishment which my disobedience doth deserve may
prove more favourably merciful; hitherto you have been the sole Monarch
of both mind and body, but play not the Tyrant by making my will your
eternal Slave. Sir, Youth cannot look through those Spectacles which are
useful to Age, nor can my inclination suit with your choice. I am now
with him whom I love more than my self, nor can I esteem of that
Gentleman of_ Catania _whom you have selected for me, otherwise than the
designed Murderer of my quiet. If you will sequester me from my Choice,
I will seclude my self from all in a Monastery._

Having read these lines he raved out-right, some times condemning his
rigid destiny, then exclaiming against the perfidiousness of such who
under the pretence of friendship should be his undoers; But having tired
himself with these fruitless complaints, he soberly ask’d our advice
what he should do in this intricacy. We all advised him to follow them
close at heels with all imaginable expedition, the Captain and my self
promising him our Company in the search; the next day mounted we rode
the way wherein we guest the Gentlemen were gone with the young
Gentlewoman, and having rid about ten miles from _Gergento_, the place
from whence we came, we overtook two fellows who gave us cause to
suspect them by their looks and habits, whilst I was acquainting the old
Gentleman with my thoughts of them, they liking not our whispering
betook themselves to their heels, which so increased our jealousie, that
with Whip and Spur I soon overtook them, they resisted me for a while,
but being overpoured by number yielded, searching them we found little
money, the old Gentleman viewing them strictly, saw his own Coat upon
one of their backs, and now concluding that these were the Rogues that
had his Cabinet too, made a very strict research but to no purpose, they
denying they had ever seen such a thing; but this served not their
turns, and although we should hinder our intent in prosecuting a better
discovery, yet we thought it very requisite to return and secure them
with the rest of their fellows.

Coming home to his own house, he understood that the maid which
particularly had waited a long time on his Daughter was suddenly gone,
giving to none an account why or wherefore, but she was watch’d to go
such a way: We were now all verily perswaded she was gone in quest of
her Mistress, and that by tracking her, we should know where she was.
The advise was well resented and speedily prosecuted, with such good
success, as in less than a days time we found this Gillian and her
companion footing it in great haste towards _Catania_, but we soon stopt
their Journey, and discovered, they had got what the poor Gentlewoman
was accused of, she had given it to her Friend to carry, but they were
both like to bear the weight of the burthen. Examining her, she confest
when she saw her Mistress was gone from her Father, and imagining she
would be suspected to carry the Cabinet with her, (which would support
her, should her Father frown for ever) she took that opportunity to
enrich her self, and that Friend with her.

It was well this timely discovery was made for the five Rogues in Goal,
it was as good as a Pardon after condemnation past, and now the old
Gentleman seeing he had lost nothing, and that his Daughter with her
disobedience was unjustly suspected a thief, he franckly protested
before us all, that he would never put a restriction on his Daughters
choice, but would freely give his consent to whom she thought so worthy
as to be her Husband; This Protestation was immediately dispatch’d away,
by one that knew where our Lovers were, which happy News recall’d them
home to their mutual satisfactions, and that the sufferings of her Maid
and Friend might not eclipse the Joy and Gladness which attended their
Hymenial Rites, she begg’d her Father to forgive them all, who to
gratifie their desires prosecuted none of those notorious Offenders; and
so we shall leave this joyful Couple to spin out the Thread of their
delight equally to that of their lives education.

           _Were ever men so scar’d, did ever fright
         So seize weak Mortals in the dead of night?
         Could a bare noise affright when nought appear’d?
         And being afraid we knew not what we fear’d:
         One hid his head all underneath the cloaths,
         Lest that the Fiend should take him by the Nose:
         Dumb was he too, for not a word did pass,
         Lest that should tell him where about he was.
         My Friend, the Captain, whom I will not wrong,
         Did ne’re before to me smell half so strong:
         My panting heart (I almost stew’d to death)
         Did beat so fast I could not draw my breath.
         Now comes the worst, the noise approach’d more near,
         All things combin’d for to increase our fear.
         Mounting the stairs Old_ Nick _was drunk I think,
         To break his Bottle, and to spill his drink:
         The ratling Flask tumbling the stairs amain,
         Did make us think the Devil shook his Chain.
         But now th’ appearance of the Morning-light,
         Gave us new life, and put our fears to flight:
         For now we found, for all the peoples talk,
         The Sp’rit was quiet, but the Thieves did walk.
         This house these haunted which were worser Evils,
         Than Fiends or Goblins, Damn’d-incarnate-Devils.
         This Apparition plainly did discover,
         That this same night the Maid lay with her Lover.
         For the Stockings and the Doublet did disclose,
         The match they made had thus mismatch’d their Cloths._



                               CHAP. II.

_They are ship’d from_ Palermo _to_ Naples, _by the way Mistress_
  Dorothy _continues the story of her Hostess who was hanged with her
  Husband for a Murder, the like was never heard of, her notorious
  confession at the Gallows of all her former Villanies_: Latroons
  _reflections on it. Mistress_ Dorothy _and her Companion the Souldier,
  return for_ London.


Our _Mulletteer_ was very well rewarded by our Entertainer, for the
prevention of so much mischief, which had undoubtedly befel the
Gentleman, had not this fellow gone down at that unseasonable time to
stuff his insatiate guts. And now taking our leaves (the Gentleman and
his friends being very unwilling and sorrowful to part with our
Companies) away we came shaping our course for _Palermo_, where being
arriv’d and finding out those Friends we had left too long, infinite was
our satisfaction of meeting thus together again, but I I thought my
_Jinny_ would have been transported with joy when she saw me, but
recovering her self, she check’d me severely for staying so long from
her beyond my promise. Our caresses were accompanied with what choice
Viands and Wine the City could produce.

Having now pleased our sight with the curiosities of this place, we
concluded upon a remove; and the next place pitcht on was _Naples_, and
to the intent we might convey our moneys with greater safety thither, we
took up Bills at _Palermo_ for 5000 pounds, drawn upon a Merchant of
_Naples_, payable ten days after sight. Having shipp’d our selves, with
all conveniences, that our Voyage might not seem tedious, I desired
Mistress _Dorothy_ to divert the Company with the continuation of her
Story. Ah Master _Latroon_! (said she) your Request renews my grief, by
putting me in mind of the loss of my dear Companion _Mall_, however I
shall endeavour to satisfie your desire, and having given a summary
account to the Captain and the rest, which had not heard anything of her
former relation, of what was before discovered, she commenc’d her
following discourse where she before left off, _viz._ her coming
acquainted with the Soldier, and then she thus proceeded.

Being rid of my great Belly, and having now gotten me a good round sum
of money, I took my pleasure with as much freedom as my unlimited
desires could prompt me to, I was frequently at the old womans the
Hostess, (_alias_ my Procuress) where I found conveniences for all my
secret, crafty, and pleasant Designs, and indeed to give her her due,
she was no Back-friend to me, this was the place which I made my general
Rendezvouz; here I did use to meet with my Friends, and here did I
converse with my Soldier of Fortune (as I have already told you) before
I make any further progress, give me leave to rehearse a Copy of Verses
(which I got by heart) of his own composition, which he made upon the
cunning trick he found in conjuring for food for his hungry Landlord and
his own half famisht worship, which were these:

           _Hunger’s a Whetstone that so sharpens Wit,
           It cuts away for some to feed by it.
           For stomacks cramm’d with Lethargies do blind
           The active wit, and hebetates the mind.
           The Grammer-school when it hath spawn’d the Fry
           Either to_ Oxford _or to_ Cambridge _hye:
           Where lest they should by too much food grow dull,
           They scarce in seven years have their belly full.
           That Barresters at Bar may louder bawl,
           See the short Commons that art in the Hall.
           ’Tis plenty rusts our Valour, when we need,
           Rather than starve, we there can bravely bleed:
           For food we fight, for which we Centry stand,
           Want makes our wit as active as our hand.
           Thus did my wit shew to my wants a way
           To fill its belly, and increase my pay,
           Hence I may say that I do live by wit,
           For I’ve got money, and a Wench with it.
           Grammercy Wit, help and assist me still,
           He ne’re can want that hath but Wit at will._

This Souldier was a Gentleman of a good house, though fallen to decay,
whose education might have renderd him capable of considerable
employments, had not his Heroick inclination to the Wars taken his
thoughts clearly off from every thing else. I appointed a day for this
man of war, to attend me some few miles into the Countrey, having got
leave of his Captain we went together, in the mean time my Hostess was
spinning of Hemp, and by return had finisht a Rope for her self and
Husband: and thus it was.

A single Gentleman came as a Traveller to lodge in her Inn, having set
up his Horse, and his Portmantua carried to his Chamber, he knocks for
his Landlady, who coming up to him he acquaints her that he thought he
should make a stay for two or three days, and therefore delivers into
her hands a bag of one hundred pounds, desiring her to lay it up safe
for him, she took the Bag and promised to keep it safe, and so she did
from him: The Devil was one of her Privy Councel who advised her to
perswade her Husband to murder the Gentleman for his money, which thus
they cunningly effected as they thought, but he that did set them at
work will pay them their wages.

At midnight she and her Husband entred the Gentlemans Chamber through a
private door which was hid behind the hangings, a Sally-port for a
thousand Rogueries they committed; mine Host with a Pillow he had
brought with him, and the assistance of his wife, smothered the
Gentleman as he lay in his bed, having so done, and putting on his
Cloathes, they laid him down into the Stable, and there with a Rope ty’d
to a beam, they hung him up, and so went to Bed; In the morning the
Hostler going into the Stable found a Gentleman there hanging, upon
sight whereof he ran into the house with an Outcry, which quickly reacht
the ears of the Neighbourhood, so that in an instant the house was
filled with people, every one giving his Verdict as his imagination
prompted him; the general Vogue was that for some discontent he had thus
desperately made away with himself. This old Beldam had the impudence to
come into the Throng of the people, and there declare her Hypocritical
sorrow for the death of her Guest, protesting that she would have given
an hundred pounds with all her heart, that no such thing had hapned in
her house. I took notice, said the Host, of his extraordinary melancholy
last night, and reproving him for his unsociableness, he clapt his hand
upon his breast, and with erected eyes to heaven, he groaned so loud and
long that I thought it would have been his last. This prodigious lye
would have wrought wonderfully upon the belief of the People, being a
strong Circumstance of his despair or great discontent, had not this
unlucky boy which I told you of before, cryed out, true good people, I
heard him groan too, but it was when my Master and Mistress were hanging
him up in the Stable, what they had been doing with him before I know
not, but I saw them as I lay under the manger bring in his body, which
seem’d to me as dead, and had they seen me, I believe I had not been now
living; my Mistress had the chiefest hand in this work as I judge, for
she got up into the Rack, and stradling the beam tyed the Rope, then did
my Master raise the body in his Arms for her to put the noose about his
neck; this is a truth said he, for which I will rather dy then deny.

His Master hearing this, and being conscious to himself that this was no
ly which the boy said, betook himself to his heels, whilst his wife with
a brazen countenance was justifying her innocence. The people seeing the
flight of one, and the matchless impudence of the other, concluded them
guilty; and laying hands on her first, and hold of him after, they
secured them with the boy till the Constable was fetched, who came
immediately and carried them before a Justice, where being examined they
stood out stiffly in their own vindication, maugre the boys peremptory
and undaunted accusation; In fine their guilty consciences would not let
them longer persist in their justification, but confest the Fact that it
was an hundred pounds which was committed to their charge by the
Gentleman, that first tempted them to smother him, the Devil helping
them to way they thought undiscoverable. They were committed to a Goal,
where they lay till Assizes; at which time they were both sentenced to
dye.

Glad was I that it should come into my head to ramble into the Countrey
at that nick of time, for my extraordinary familiarity with them might
have raised a suspition to the endangering of my person, besides the boy
which accused them had a spight against me for causing him to be soundly
bang’d sometimes for some Roguish trick he served me; one he play’d a
little before this Murder was committed, and being basted for it, I
heard him say mutteringly, he would find a time to be even, judge you
whether he be not, however thus he was an unhappy Roguish boy, yet
Heaven judged him a fit Instrument to discover a deed so bloody and
horribly wicked.

Coming to the place of Execution, I could not see in my Hosts face any
considerable marks of remorse or penitency, only the fear of Death had
screwed his face into a hundred ugly affrighting formes: She for her
part ascended the Ladder after she had seen the death of her Husband,
with magnanimity and Courage; having been in Prison according to report,
the greatest Penitent that ever was known to go thence and suffer as a
Malefactor, I say she standing undauntedly on the Ladder, spake to the
People after this manner, which I here recount as carrying some very
remarkable things in it.

                The Speech of a Notoriously-wicked Woman
                           at her Execution.


_Christian People, the greatness of my sins have cry’d loud to Heaven
for Vengeance a long time, but Mercy hath interceded for the
prolongation of my life, to give me a long and fair opportunity for
Repentance, but this long forbearance hath but hardned my heart, and
made it obdurate; so that my black and horrid Sins grew so numerous that
they awakened divine Justice (which hitherto seemed to sleep) to find me
out, and bring me to this shameful and condign punishment. As I am here
before you a sad spectacle of misery, so I hope you will beg of God
mercy for my poor sinful soul, which from my Cradle to this time hath
been polluted not with Crimes of a common Die, but such as were
conceived in the Womb of Hell, and Midwiv’d by me into this wicked
world. What Tragical unpattern’d Mischiefs they have acted on the
Theatre of my native Countrey, my tongue (that cursed Accessary in the
ruine of some Families) shall not conceal from you, since I cannot hide
them from the knowledge of God Allmighty._

_When I was so young I wanted power to perpetrate Villany, I had strong
inclinations to the acting thereof; I was no sooner wean’d, but I had
like to have killed that Mother who gave me life, by pricking her in the
naked breast with a Bodkin I took out of her Head-cloaths, she being
then half asleep, holding me in her Lap, when I arrived to the age of
fifteen, the boiling of my blood would not let me rest till I had
somewhat qualified its heat in the unlawful reception of a young man,
after which sinful act I found my self with Child, to prevent the shame
whereof I murdered it, thinking to hide one smaller sin by the greatness
of another; the death I am about to suffer should have been the reward
of that execrable murder; and I now wish it had been so, for then I had
not strangled in the very birth (to abscond my whoredom from my Husband)
a Child, the product of my insatiate lust with a_ Blackmoor, _who
afterwards lost his own life in the destructions of my Husbands; neither
had I been the cause of the death of two more, had I not been the basely
obscene Prostitute to them both._

_But one more remarkable murder then any yet I have related, I must not
conceal, the burden whereof lies like a mountain on my already
over-loaded Conscience. Passing one time for a maid, though then a
common debauched whore, this Inn-keeper, (my fellow-sufferer, and justly
so, since he was my Co-partner and Complotter in a thousand Roguish
Contrivances) courted me to be his Wife: being informed of his wealth I
easily condescended, not regarding his goodness so much as his Goods,
and lest he might find what I was on our Nuptial Night; I caused a pure,
but poor Virgin whom I hired to lye in my place for that time, but
over-sleeping her prefixt time I had appointed for my exchanging places
with her, I was forc’d to fire the house, in which confusion she running
down to a Well in the yard to get water, I pursued her, and partly to be
revenged, and partly to be secured from her future discovery, I tumbled
her into the Well, and there she perished: As to the last murther of
this Gentlemen, I must needs confess my Husband, though superlatively
wicked, had no inclination thereunto, had I not perswaded him; nay,
upbraided him with pusillanimity and cowardize if he would not be my
Coadjutor and Assistant therein. Now do I wish from the bottom of my
disconsolate Soul, I had as many lives as deaths I have occasioned, to
offer up as a Sacrifice which might expiate so many crying sins of
murder, as I have committed in my life time, this one is too small a
satisfaction for the loss of so many. And had I not forfeited it to the
Law, yet I ought not to live, considering the debauched course of life I
ever liv’d, being no more than a rank stinking weed, which hindred, nay
choak’d the growth of wholesom herbs and flowers, which otherwise might
have proved delightful in their fragrancy._

_And now to conclude, if you intend to escape this shameful punishment,
and not to be made an example to others, as I am now to you, shun all
these Vices and Debaucheries which have dragged me to this accursed end,
and do not promise to your selves a better conclusion, if from the
beginning thereof you continue the prosecution of vicious and debauched
Courses; I was as confident as any he or she here, that hanging was too
ignominious a death for such a piece of Gallantry as I was, but assure
your self Heaven has no respect of persons; the Sword of Justice spares
no more the shining Gallant and huffing_ Bravo, _than the meanest smutty
Tinker; And so desiring the Prayers of the Spectators for her, having
rendred her private Applications for her eternal concern, she gave the
sign to the Hangman, and she was so turned off._

                  *       *       *       *       *

This speech of the dying person Mistress _Dorothy_ rehearsed to me, with
so much passion, giving each word so becoming an accent, that I must
confess to you it wrought wonderfully on me, nay it so startled me, that
I now began to consider what would become of me since laying aside
murder, (having never imbrewed my hands in blood) I was more notorious
in all manner of Vice than the narrowness of a female Soul could be
capable of imagining much less of acting, why should I then humor myself
into a fancy of escaping, since I have seen so many dismal Examples of
this nature, some whereof I have told you, and more I shall of my
intimates in the prosecution of my Story, who notwithstanding they have
craftily endeavoured to conceal their nefarious actions and projections,
yet have been found out by the omnipotent, nay then when they thought
him to sleep over their hainous transgressions, which puts me in mind of
an excellent passage of _Juvenal_, though he be a Heathen, in his Satyr
13.

             ——————— _Fatebere tandem
            Nec surdum, nec tiresiam, quenquam esse Deorum._

              _Let us confess, since we at last shall finde,
              None of the Gods are either deaf, or blind._

Craving pardon of Mistress _Dorothy_, I desired her to proceed, which
she did in this manner: Having staid the Execution of my old friend
(which was no small trouble to me,) but durst not be present lest she
should discover my Rogueries too, since she was so ingenious to
acknowledge her own to the world; I say, I staid no longer than to get
what things I had ready, and desiring the Soldier to attend me to
_London_, he had so much favor from his Office, as to get a furlow for
eight weeks, and so away we march’d: Immediately after our arrival, I
took Lodgings in _Covent-Garden_, and having cloath’d him like a
Gentleman as he was, we agreed to call each other Cousin, lodging under
one and the same Roof. His company was very agreeable and complaisant,
which made me take a great delight in his society. He had a good command
of his Mother-tongue, expressing every thing eloquently and facetely,
which his invention furnished his mouth withal; when at any time we were
alone, he would be continually telling me one Story or other, but
chiefly a great many beyond Sea Cheats, some whereof he was an
eye-witness, but because they all concerned his own Sex, I desired that
he would give himself the trouble to recount something of ours;
undoubtedly, said I, you were acquainted with the females abroad as well
as at home, and I cannot be so ignorant to believe you have not
conversed with them. Yes, replyed he, or else I had been to blame, and
should have lost one of the principal ends I went for, If I had not been
acquainted as well with the _Madam_, as the _Monsieur_; but, continued
he, I do not think it proper to recount any of the frailties of women to
one of that Sex, that discourse is more proper with men when we triumph
and boast of our witty encounters, and waggish over-reachings of that
Sex. But, replyed I to him, as you have done all this, and spent some
time in the recitals, so I pray let me further engage you to acquaint me
with somewhat of that nature. That you may see, replyed he, how much I
am your Servant, I will obey you, and tell you two Stories of two women,
who were excellent, and their Stories considerable different.



                               CHAP. III.

_The Gentleman Soldier gives an account how he came acquainted with an
  extraordinary beautiful, yet seemingly reserved_ Courtezan, _who
  slighting him having spent all upon her, he makes himself amends, by
  cheating her of what she had gotten; he gains acquaintance with a
  Mercers Wife by a mistake, or rather by Letters falling accidentally
  into his hands, that were sent her by her_ Inamoretto, _by which means
  he finds a sufficient reward, besides his sensual enjoyment of so
  lively and grateful a Mistress._


Be pleased to know then, continued he, that when I came first into
_Paris_, I supposed that as I was young, handsome, and in a very rich
gentle Garb, so I did believe that it would not be long e’re I should
have some Message or invitation from some Madam or other, but although I
waited long for this Adventure, yet I met with nothing to that purpose,
but all the _French_-Ladies although they are in their converse open and
free, yet come up close to them, and they are as cold as _December_ or
that which is colder, Charity, they would not at all be so charitable to
me a stranger, as permit me to close with them, so that I thought I must
have returned from thence as wise as I went, for any thing I should know
of women; I finding that of my self I could not do any thing, therefore
I observed those of my acquaintance what they did in that Case, and at
length I found that for all their braggs they were as well furnished
with Mistresses as I was, and indeed had none, or at the least none at
all that they durst particularly own, but a poor common _Courtesanna_: I
seeing there was no better to be had, was resolved rather than fail to
put in there, and to play at small Game rather than stand out: wherefore
I took the next opportunity of going with one of my acquaintance to one
of those houses, but although I had fasted a great while, yet my stomach
was so squeamish that I liked nothing that was there, but only in
drinking and talking spent some time and so departed.

I was observed whilest I was there by an old grave Matrona, who two or
three days after, meeting me, alone, told me that she had seen me at the
house aforesaid, by which she could guess at my business, and finding
that there was never a Dish that liked my Pallat, and being desirous to
be civil to, and accommodate all strangers, she would pleasure me so
far, as to bring me acquainted with the most celebrated beauty of all
_Paris_. I liked her Proposition; first gave her thanks, and then told
her if she would name the time and place, I would gladly wait on her;
She told me that she was ready at all times and in all places to serve
me, and that I might therefore appoint what time I pleas’d. I who had no
business but my pleasure answered that if she would about four of the
Clock in the afternoon come to the Place where we then were, I would not
fail to meet her, she telling me that she would come at the time, we
parted; I went to sprucifie my self and put Money in my pocket, and she
went as I suppose to prepare the Madam to receive me. The time being
come, I went to the place appointed, where I met with my Conductress who
already waited for me, I went with her, and in short time we arrived at
the house intended, I was conducted up stairs, and received by the Lady
with much kindness; the old woman made a Speech to us both, tending to
the purpose intended, and then wine being call’d for and a Banquet, we
regalled our selves, and spent our time in pleasant conversation; the
old woman knowing what I came for, in convenient time left me alone with
the Lady, who permitted me to take the satisfaction I desired, and then
I giving her a handful of Crown-pieces, which was the key of the work,
and she promising me a continuance of her love. The old woman was again
call’d for, when she came we renewed our discourse, which continuing for
some time longer, I also giving somewhat to the old woman, and the
Servants of the house, we soon after parted.

As I went to my lodging I considered of the Adventure I had met with,
and the next day enquired what this Lady was, and upon enquiry found
that she was a Right _Bona Roba_, but such an one that was not ordinary,
but reserved, and only kept company with the better sort of _Monsieurs_,
I was well enough pleas’d, with what had happened, and was resolved
during my stay in _Paris_ to look no further after any female, and
accordingly I often frequented her house, and was received as kindly as
I could expect, I commanded the house in all I pleased, and lay there
when I thought good; but this my pleasure consumed and confounded my
pocket, and my allowance from _England_ being but small, was in short
time so wasted that I could not hold out to spend so largely as I had
done, and as the strength of my pocket decreased, so did her love
diminish, and when I had no more mony, she had no more love. _No longer
pipe, no longer dance_, and now as others had formerly been denied, and
kept out of her doors, to entertain me, so then the doors were shut
against me for others; I was vexed at the baseness and ingratitude of
this woman, and resolv’d to be revenged of her if I could, and I made it
my only study to do so, I had written into _England_ for mony, which was
in short time to come, till when I plaid the good husband, and staid
within doors, and so recovered my expences, so that when my mony came, I
was in Capacity to put new Cloaths on my back, and good store of Crowns
in my pocket, I likewise borrowed some Rings of some of my acquaintance,
to whom I communicated my design, desiring their assistance, which they
accordingly promised me. Being thus well furnished, and set out with
good outside, new Clothes, I again attempted to see my _quondam_
Mistress, but was the first time denied entrance, although I was so
liberal as to give the Servant a Crown-piece, and thereby had the means
to discover that I had more of the same in my pocket, but the next time
that I came thither, I was admitted, and my Mistress pleasantly saluting
me, told me that I was very welcome from my Voyage: I ask’d what Voyage?
she told me from _England_; I replyed I had not been there lately; she
told me that then some body had abused her and me both, and told lies of
me; for, said she, I did not question if you had been in these parts,
but I should have seen you, where you alwaies have been welcome; for,
continued she, you know that so long as I have a house you may command
your welcome in it; I but, thought I, to little purpose, and concluded
that all these terms of welcome were but words of Dissimulation, and
would last no longer than my money did in pocket, but being resolved to
prosecute my design, I would not so far take notice of what she said as
to quarrel with her about it, but using my former wonted freedom, I sate
down, and call’d for such Wine and other things as I had a mind to, and
spent two or three hours very pleasantly with her; and by that means
renewing my acquaintance, I gave no occasion of distrust of what I
intended. During my stay there, I gave her the convenience of seeing a
rich Gold Watch I had in my pocket, and several Rings I had on my
fingers, and that my pockets were very well lyned with Silver and Gold,
and drawing out as much as was sufficient, I delivered it to her Servant
to provide a Supper against the next night, when I told her I would
return and sup, and lye there, she telling me I should be welcome, we
for that time parted. I then went to two or three of my acquaintance who
were to help me in my Design, and directing them what to do, the time
appointed being come, I went to her house, and knowing that my Mistress
was a great Lover of wine, and that it would be necessary to make her
drunk, I carried some bottles with me; being arrived there, she again
kindly welcomed me, and pleas’d her eyes with beholding my rich Suit of
Cloaths, my Watch, Rings, and the fulness of my pockets, not questioning
but that I would leave a good part of these behind me, but she reckoned
without her Host, as I shall presently tell you.

Supper being ready we sate down at the Table, and did eat plentifully,
but did drink more abundantly, I telling her that she must be merry, she
to oblige me drank of her Cups so roundly, that she fell asleep as she
sate at the Table, from whence I caused her to be carried to bed, where
she was no sooner laid, but she fell a snoaring. I then having given the
Servants a dose of the same Liquor caused them to go to Bed, telling
them that I could undress my self, and go to bed without their
assistance.

I then being alone looked about to see what was to be done, I there saw
a Cabinet wherein was the womans Jewels and money, and looking a little
further I saw her Cloathes, and some Plate, and not long after my
friends whom I had appointed being come, I began to work, first I threw
down out at the window her best Cloathes, and all my own, and by the
help of her Garters I let down the Cabinnet, her Plate, and so much as
the silver Candlestick which we had used; this done, I left the window
open, and then went to Bed to my Lady, who although she slept hard at
present, yet before morning she awaked, and then we spent our time as we
formerly had done; and being somewhat wearied, we again went to sleep,
but about an hour after awaking and finding that it was broad-day-light,
I called out for the Servant to bring me my Clothes that I might rise,
in regard (as I said) that I had some business to dispatch that morning.
But the Servant looking about for them and not seeing them, nor her
Mistresses, nor the Cabinets, nor the Candlesticks, and missing many
things, which she had over night left in the Chamber, and seeing one of
the Chamber windows open, she cryed out, O Lord Madam, we are robb’d; at
this cry her Mistress drawing the Curtain, ask’d what was the matter for
that noise? O Lord, replyed the wench, we are robb’d, for I cannot see
your Clothes, your Cabinet, your Plate, nor several other things.
Heavens forbid, said the Mistress, I hope you lye; no truly Mistress,
continued the wench. Where then, said I, is my Clothes? They are
likewise stolen, replied the Wench, for I cannot find them. At this word
I seem’d to be mightily astonished, and thereupon I said,

Madam, put these Tricks and Gulleries upon others, and not upon me, who
can see through all your disguises, what do you intend, or think to
chowse me in this manner? How, my Love, replyed she, what do you say?
Now you see I am utterly ruin’d, is this all the comfort you will give
me? No, no, replied I, you must sing another song, or else i’le make
you, because you saw I came hither with good Clothes, and my pockets
cramm’d with Money and Jewels, you think to catch me with this trick,
making me believe that you have been robb’d, but I swear to you,
continued I, that you shall not carry it thus, and that I will go to the
Magistrate and have you and your Family every one of you clapt up; and
having thus said, I leapt out of the Bed; and naked as I was in my
shirt, I went to the window and cryed out Thieves. This poor woman now
more dead than alive, seeing that beside her great loss, she was likely
to receive a great affront, leap’d also out of the Bed, and falling
about my neck, with lifted up hands, and tears in her eyes, begg’d of me
to have pity on her, and that now after she had lost all, I would not go
to ruine her quite in her Reputation; I therefore seemed to be moved
with her Prayers, but said to her, must I be forced to live here for
want of Clothes to go out? No (replyed she) go to Bed again, and I will
send to one of my friends to borrow a suit of Clothes for you, and
thereupon she immediately sent away to a _French_-Knight who was one of
her Gallants, to borrow one of his best Suits of Clothes, pretending
that she had a fancy to disguise her self in mans apparel. The Messenger
soon returning, and bringing a fair Suit of Clothes, and all other
necessaries, I arose, dressed my self, and taking my leave of my
Mistress, went to my friends, where upon examination of my Cabinet, I
found that I had increas’d my stock to above twice as much treasure as I
had spent upon her, and a good Suit of Clothes into the bargain: He
having finished his Story (said Mistress _Dorothy_) I told him he was
very hard hearted to use a poor Lady so, and one who had been so kind to
him, and that although she had refused him admittance when all his Mony
was spent, there is some reason for it, for it is possible said I, you
would have brought her and your self into extream beggery; well, replyed
he, I know you are not a competent Judge in this case, and therefore I
was unwilling to acquaint you with any of these matters; but, continued
he, I will if you please, proceed in the other story I promised you, and
so conclude.

I desiring him so to do, he went on thus: I being in this manner, said
he, revenged of one Mistress, did resolve to leave her off quite, lest
she should in time pay me off in my own Coin, and did endeavour to get
another, but could not meet with or find any to my mind; but I and one
of those of my acquaintance who had assisted me in my late exploit, one
day talking of our female friends, told me that indeed, although he had
not gain’d so much by a Mistress at once as I had done by mine, yet he
had such a Mistress as had bin not only pleasing, but very profitable to
him, for said he, I can command fifty or a hundred Crowns at any time; I
marry Sir, said I, that is a good Mistress indeed, and is more than
ordinary; yes replyed he, she is no ordinary person. I hearing him say
so, knew it was to no purpose to ask her Name and Quality, but did
resolve so to watch him that I would find it out, I usually therefore
kept him Company and like his shadow still attended him, but he being as
cunning as I was crafty, so privately mannag’d his amours, that I could
not possibly find him out, I therefore sometimes lay with him, and took
the opportunity of searching his Pockets for Letters, but found none, so
that I was very doubtful of attaining my Ends, which was to discover who
this unknown invisible Lady was, I finding that my acquaintance was too
close to get any thing out of, was resolved to take another course, and
since I could not out-wit the Master, try if my Boy could out-wit his; I
therefore instructed my Boy in what he was to do, and ordered him to get
in with the other, and get out of him one time or other, whether he did
not carry Letters to any Persons, and to whom. My Boy was not so long
about his Discovery as I had been about mine, for in a short time he
told me that the Boy was often employed to carry Letters to a Mercers
Maid, who lived in the next street, and also to a Carrier who conveyed
Letters to an Unkle; I now partly knowing the Who, was desirous of
knowing the What, and therefore ordered my Boy by one means or other to
get one of his Letters and bring it unto me. He so well discharged
himself in this employ, that it was not long e’re he brought me one. I
being very curious to know the Contents, soon opened it, for heating a
Knife in the fire, I put it under the Seal, which melted the Wax in that
place, and so it was open, wherein I found these expressions. Madam,

I _am very sorry that I am so unfortunate, that in the term of fourteen
days I have not had the happiness of waiting on you, sure the old man is
grown jealous, or which is worse, you begin to slight me, or else some
expedient might have been found to have deceived him: I shall say no
more at present, referring the rest of my Complaints till I see you,
which happy minute I beseech you hasten, or else you will very much
afflict_

                                           _Your constant Friend_,

                                                               S. N.

When I had read the Letter, I was almost as much to seek as I was
before, because it was directed to one who was a Servant to the Mercer,
but upon second thoughts I concluded, that although it was directed to
the Maid, yet it might be intended to the Mistress, as indeed it was; I
having read the Letter, melted some wax and sealed it again, the
impression of the old Seal remaining as fair as formerly. My Boy who
brought it me, asked if he should carry it again; I first, before I
answered him, enquired of him how he came by it? he told me thus, that
the other boy told him he had Letters to carry for his Master; and
therefore, said he if you will go to the River and wash, I have, said he
a good excuse; I (said my boy) told him that I would go with him if he
would go strait, then to the River; he replyed, he was commanded to
carry the Letter first, but I perswaded him to go first to the River, to
the end that I might serve you in what you commanded, and therefore
being come to the water, I did not make so much hast as he, but let him
go to in, so soon as he was in the water, I searching his pockets, and
finding this Letter came with all speed and told the other boys that
were there, that I would go in at a place a little further, and swim
down to them; and so, Sir, said he to me, I made all possible haste, and
have here brought the Letter; I having heard his Tale, commanded him to
run with all expedition, and put the Letter into the boyes pocket, he
did so, and was not at all discovered, or suspected. I having thus
gained some knowledge in my friends amours and being desirous to
discover more, walked out to the Street where the Mercer dwelt, where I
saw both man and wife in the Shop, there was much disparity in their
years, for he seemed to be seventy, and she not above twenty four, I
presently guessed that this must be she, and therefore pretending to
buy, I went into the Shop, where I was shewed several Stuffs by her, he
sitting at the further end of the shop coughing by himself; she had such
a winning way in perswading me to the goodness and cheapness of the
Stuff, that although I had no intention to buy, yet I laid out some
money with her, she was perfectly handsome, and it had been great pity
if she had onely been tyed to that old Carcass, but I knew that she had
a friend who could do her business for her, and all that I then wished,
was that I might be in his place, and take his turn; and this I was
resolved to do, or stretch my wit on the tenters of invention.

The next day my Boy brought me another Letter, which was from my
Companions Unkle, and I having opened that as I had done the former,
found that his Unkle was sick, but however intended to be in _Paris_ in
few days, and then he would supply him with the money he desired; I
closed the Letter again, and the boy conveyed it to the place where he
had it, _viz._ the other boys pocket, who gave it to his Master two
hours after when he returned home, being for the present gone out; by
this Letter I understood that he had his maintenance from his Unkle, and
that he had lately written for some, and that this was the answer: I
took exact notice of his Unkles name, and writ it down in my Table book;
I being desirous to discover from himself what I partly knew already, to
that end I walked out with him, and engaged him to go into that Street
where the Mercer dwelt, but although we did so, and I then curiously
observed him, yet he did not so much as cast an eye into the Shop,
although the Woman and her Husband were both there, but I remember
turning down by that Shop into a blind Lane, he looked towards a
back-door, which I then perceived was belonging to that house, and which
I guessed might be the way whereby he went to his Mistress.

I having made all these inspections into the matter in hand, was
resolved to make some further use of my experience. When about ten days
after my boy came sweating to me, and told me that he had gotten another
Letter, which the other boy received in his Masters absence, who would
not be back in two hours, but then he must deliver it to him; who
brought it? said I, a Porter: said the Boy; I hearing this had a mind to
have delivered it back again without opening, because I did suppose it
came only from his Unkle, or some other Friend, about some ordinary
affairs, not judging that a Letter of Love would be sent by an ordinary
Porter; I was in this determination, which had I followed I should have
thought my self very unfortunate, but a curiosity possessing me, I
resolved to see the Contents, wherefore using my former way of heating
my Knife, I opened the Letter and therein found these Lines:

My dear Friend,

I _hope at your last visit I gave you satisfaction in every thing,
especially why I had not seen you for fourteen days before, I must
confess it was a long time of absence and you may assure your self that
I thought it so as well as you, I also hope that you have no suspition
of my constancy, and that you may assure your self of my love to you, I
have provided the hundred Crowns you desired, if you come on Thursday
night about eleven of the Clock to our Back door, our trusty Servant
will let you in, and conduct you to a Chamber, where I will attend you,
but I must engage you not to speak to me, for I am in great fear of your
being over-heard, by my Husbands Kinswoman, who lies the next wall to
me, and is very curious over me; follow these directions and you shall
engage_,

                                         _Your constant Friend_,
                                                           M. L.

How much was I surpriz’d in the reading of this Letter, you may easily
judge, but you may be sure I was resolved not to part from it, but now I
concluded I might put my Design in practice; I had not long consulted
with my self what to do, but I had resolved my self in all doubts and
scruples; and therefore taking Pen, Ink and Paper, I writ this following
Letter:

Sir,

Y_our Unkle, according to his intentions of coming to_ Paris, _was come
so far as my house, but was there taken so sick, that he could not,
neither is he able at present to proceed in his Journey, and doubting
that he will be worse, hath ordered me to send to you that you may be
acquainted with it, and withal, that you may come to him, he not being
able to come to you, therefore expects you here with all the expedition
you can make, this is all at present from_

                                       _Your loving Friend,_

                                               _though unknown_,

                                                               L. T.

This Letter being thus written, I dated it two days before, and
subscribed it from an Inn in a Town forty miles off from _Paris_, it was
directed to him in the usual manner and form; and so having seal’d it, I
gave it my Boy, who soon conveyed it to the place where he had the
other. And that my Project might take effect, I went immediately to find
him out, resolving to keep him continually in my sight, and oversee all
his Actions, from the time he should receive his Letter, till I should
see him on Horseback, on his Journey. I soon found him out, and went
home with him, where the Boy gave him the Letter, he opened it, and
retired, I gave him the conveniency of reading it, which he soon did,
and coming up to me, told me that he had hasty News; is it private?
replyed I; no, said he, but I think I must leave your company for a few
days; when, said I? To morrow morning, said he; that is much! replyed I,
sure it is hasty News indeed, if you must be gone so soon; yes truly,
said he, you may see the Letter, and then you may judge of the matter;
hereupon he delivered me the Letter, which I having read over, told him
that indeed if this Unkle, who was sick, was as nearly allied to him in
friendship, as he was in consanguinity, that then it was necessary he
should suddenly obey his orders. He is, replyed he, not only my Unkle,
but my Father, For I never knew no other Father I had, for my Father his
Brother died, when I was but six months old, and left me and my Estate
to his disposing; neither continued he, hath he any Child or Relation
nearer than I am; I told him that if it were so, I would advise him not
to let any time slip, but to take Horse and be gon that night; he was
unwilling so to do, for, said he, I have another affair to dispatch that
is of considerable consequence. I supposing it was his Love business,
and being resolv’d to bear him off from all proceeding therein at the
present, fearing lest he should send some Letter, and so my design would
be frustrate; I therefore said, that nothing whatever should hinder me
from present going, if I were in his condition, and if he would
communicate his other affairs to me, I would act for him all I could to
my power; he answered me that the affairs he meant were of such a
quality, that none but himself could dispatch; I replyed that I then
supposed they might be of some Love-concern, to this he only laughed,
and finding that he had a great inclination to do somewhat in that
nature that might spoil my design; I therefore used so many arguments
with him to cause him to begin his Journey, that I saw him that Evening
on horseback, with a resolution to ride twenty miles onwards of his
Journey that night, that so he might reach the end of it the next day
betimes.

And now I having dispatch’d him out of the way, did not question but I
might accomplish my design as I had determin’d. It was but then but
Tuesday night, and the time appointed by the Letter was Thursday night,
so that till then I waited with some impatience, but the hour being
come, I went to the Place, which was the Back-door, which I had formerly
taken notice of. I was so desirous of finishing the Adventure I was
about, that I had made more haste than ordinary, and being come somewhat
before the precise time, I was forced to wait, not daring to knock lest
I should offend. But long I had not staid, before an adjoyning Clock
struck eleven, and within less than a minute afterwards the door opened,
and a Female looking out, and seeing me walk, beckoned me to come on; I
did so, and without one words speaking, entred the house, and following
my Conductress close at the heels, went up stairs, and coming to a
Chamber-door, she only said, now Sir, you may enter there to your and my
Mistress, and stay till I come and call you, which will be about two
hours hence, but I pray be sure you talk not, lest that discover you; I
listened attentively to what was told me, and promising obedience only
by a Bow which I made, the Servant left me, and I entred the Chamber;
although there was no Candle, yet I could see where the Bed stood, and
going thither I saw my Mistress whom I saluted, and then retiring pul’d
off my Clothes and leap’d into Bed to her, I lay down by her, and during
the two hours time I staid, you may be sure I was not idle, I made no
noise by speaking, knowing that it might be of dangerous consequence in
a double manner; and the two hours being come, our attendant came and
told me it was time to rise. I though unwilling enough did so, and
putting on my Clothes was soon dress’d, and coming once more to kiss my
Mistress, she told me softly that in the window in a Purse was the
hundred Crowns she promis’d, I making her a profound Reverence, and
kissing her hand, went thither, and finding the Purse, put it into my
pocket, and the Maid hastning me, I departed, when she came to the
Back-door, she told me that e’re many days, she would find a way how I
might enjoy my Mistress with more freedom; I pulling a Crown out of my
pocket, put it into her hand, and bade her goodnight: And thus, said the
young Gentleman, did I obtain my Ends upon this Gentlewoman; and (said
he) I being now entred was resolved to proceed, and therefore the next
day went again by the door, and seeing none but her self in the Shop, I
entred, and desired to see silk enough for a New Suit; she shew’d it me,
and I soon agreed on the price, giving her own demands, but when I came
to pay, and drew out the purse she had given me, which was a very
remarkable one; she looked very wishfully on it; Nay Madam said I, it is
the same I receiv’d of you last night; how! replied she, am I betraid
then? No dear Madam, said I, there is no Treachery in the Case, onely
the excess of my love to you, made me run a great hazard; I hope, Sir,
replyed she, you are not guilty of any murder of my former friend: no
Madam, (said I) I have only by a piece of Wit remov’d him at present;
well, Sir, (replied she) you seem to be a Gentleman of that temper that
you will not wrong a Woman, I have not time or opportunity to discourse
you at large, but that I might engage you to secrecy, I not only freely
give you the money you have in possession, but also I desire you to
accept this Stuff you intended to buy, and I pray with your first
conveniency let me have an Account of this strange Adventure; I had
hardly time to answer her (You shall Madam) but her Husbands Kinswoman
came near us, all that I could do was to deliver the parcel to my Boy,
and making the ordinary Reverence, I departed.



                               CHAP. IV.

_Mistress_ Dorothy _finishes the Story of the Gentleman-Soldier and
  Mercers Wife; who being returned to_ England, _renews his Suit to his
  old Mistress, though married to another, whose weakness made the match
  unsuitable, whose Estate depending on an Heir, and this Husband
  uncapable of getting one, gave the Gentleman that opportunity whereby
  he at once had a Wife, an Heir, and an Estate._


Thus (continued the young Gentleman) did I initiate my acquaintance with
this woman, which is one of the best and pleasantest Adventures of my
life, and indeed, said he, I have no cause to complain of women, for
that Sex hitherto hath been very lucky to me, as you may guess by my
Story of the _Courtezan_, whose Cabinet and other things I conveyed
away; and now by this second _French_ adventure I was likely to gain
more, and that more honourably than by the other. But, continued he, in
six days after my Companion returned from his Journey; I asked him if we
must not all have Stables; Why? said he; because, replied I, I suppose
that your Unkle is dead, and hath left you all he hath: No such matter,
replied he, but I could wish that he were hang’d that writ the Letter;
why? said I, I think it was very carefully done, of him, and that he
deserved not only thanks, but a Reward; I should reward him if I knew
who he was, said he: Why, cannot you find him? said I; No, nor no body
else, said he, there is no such sign nor no such man, living in or near
that Town, nor in all that Countrey, that I could hear of; but I hope
(said I) there was and is such an Unkle; yes, reply’d he, and Heavens be
praised, in health too, but I was forc’d to go further a field to find
him, for after I had spent a whole day in fruitless search for the Host,
who sent the Letter, and could not hear of any Tale nor Tidings of him,
I being within thirty miles of my Unkles habitation, thought it very
proper to ride on thither, and so I did, but when I came I found him
well and lusty, I shewed him the Letter, and thereby he knew the
occasion of my Journey, but he knew not who writ it, and he and I both
concluded it was a trick put upon me, however we were joyful to see one
another well, and he intended to take a journey to _Paris_ in few days,
to order me some moneys, but since I was come my self, he resolved to
desist from that Journey, and give me Bills of Exchange, fain he would
have engaged me to have staid there for some days longer, but telling
him I had affairs of consequence to dispatch at _Paris_, that required
my presence, he gave me leave to depart; and so, said he, with all
possible expedition I am returned: and you are very welcome (replyed I)
but this was a very strange adventure of the Letter, and I cannot tell
to what purpose, nor I neither said he, but I hope to find it out, for I
preserve the Letter carefully. I gave him the hearing, and now knowing
his thoughts, I believed my self obliged to mind his Actions; as for the
Letter he had, and his Design of finding out the Writer of the Letter by
the hand, I knew he could not, for although I writ it, yet it was in
such a hand as I never writ before, and which I then writ on purpose not
to be discovered by it, if he should be acquainted with my hand, as
hitherto he was not, wherefore I car’d not for that, but my chiefest
care was in charging my Boy to watch his, and knowing that he would
suddenly write a Letter to send to his Mistress, I commanded him to use
all possible diligence to get it into his Custody, and bring it to me,
as being a matter of very great consequence.

My Boy followed my directions so carefully, that he attained his ends,
but with much difficulty, for no sooner was my friend parted from me,
but he writ a Letter to his Mistris, and giving it to the Boy, charged
him immediately to carry it: My Boy who waited all his motions, seeing
him running with a Letter in his hand, asked him what haste? great
haste, said the Boy, and would have proceeded, but my boy caught hold on
him, and said, how now, what is your haste so great that you cannot
spare time to drink with your friends? time enough for that anon, said
the Boy, and would have proceeded; but my Boy knowing how strictly I had
charged him about this Letter, was resolv’d by Hook or by Crook to be
Master of it, and therefore told him, that although he had not been so
civil as to give him his Foy when he went out (for he had been the
Journey with his Master) yet he would now give him his Welcome home. The
other understanding there was drink in the case, and that of free-cost,
went in with him to the next Drinking house, and my boy knowing what a
work he had in hand, calling for a quart of Wine, desired a Room above
stairs, so that up they went, and my Boy intending to fuddle the other,
cheated him in his drink, for after two or three Glasses were off, and
the other boy began to be merry, my Boy drank water, and the other wine,
so that in short time he was knock’d down, and fell asleep; and it was
not long e’re he took the Letter out of his pocket, and that he might
make all sure, he lock’d the Chamber door, bringing the Key with him,
and thus he securing the Letter, and boy both; came to me, and brought
me the Letter, which I immediately opened, and read these words:

Madam,

E_ver since that fortunate Minute wherein I first had the happiness to
be acquainted with you, my stars I thank them have been very propitious
to me; and Dame Fortune (how unconstant soever she hath been to others)
hath yet been to me very favourable, so that till within these few days
I could boast that no malevolent Planet hath had any malign influence in
my ascendant; I thought and hoped I should have lived and died in this
opinion; but I now have cause enough to change my mind, for I have
lately had such a cross adventure, that I yet know not what to think of
it, but if all be right and well with you, I then bid defiance to
fortune; Madam, I am very unquiet and much puzzeld, so that I know not
how to begin, nor well know what to say to you, but hoping you will
pardon this impertinence, and attribute it to my perplexity; I shall
thus plainly begin with you, and this it is: Madam, about ten days since
when I last was with you, among other Requests I desired a hundred
Crowns of you for a present use, till my Vnkle whom I every day expected
should come to Town; in regard you never refused me anything, I did not
doubt of that, and therefore expected to hear from you accordingly, but
just at that time when I expected a Letter from you, I received one from
my Vnkle, as I thought, whereby, as that Letter inform’d me, I thought
it absolutely necessary to leave_ Paris, _and go to him forty miles, to
a Town where he lay sick, I was perswaded to be gone immediately, and
indeed over-rul’d by an intimate friend, and one that I have so great a
respect for, that I had no reason to suspect, and what he urged being as
I thought reasonable: I soon mounted on Horse-back, and departed, I must
beg your pardon that I did not acquaint you with this sudden remove, but
it was impossible to do it without suspition of my Friend from whom I
have hitherto conceal’d our amours, as I have done from all the world
besides._

_This Letter which I received, I found was but forged, and written on
purpose to cause me to leave the City, but if in my absence I have not
received some prejudice in your opinion, I account all the rest of my
trouble and vexation as nothing, wherefore I pray Madam, let me know in
what condition I am with you, and whether you know any thing, and what
you do know of this Adventure, and I shall always remain_

                                        Your constant Friend

                                                               S. N.

When I had read this Letter, I found that half my work was done to my
hand, for I was resolved to write to this woman, and now having a fit
opportunity I writ as followeth.

Madam,

S_ome months ago I had occasion to lay out some money in some Stuff, and
my good fortune guiding me to your Shop, I there not only saw, but
pitied you, for that I saw you were wedded to one more fit to be your
Father than Husband; that pity begot love, and that so violent, that I
knew not how to suppress it, I thought it might be possible to be
favourably receiv’d by you, but knew not how to make my Addresses to
you, lest your honour should be brought in question, I therefore waited
all opportunities, and at length found one, the most lucky that could
befal; for my friend_ Mounsieur N. _being absent and a Letter of yours
coming into my hands, I had a great curiosity to see it, doubting that
it was, what indeed I found it to be, a Letter of Love; but when I found
that it was from you, and that thereby was a particular appointment for
him to come to you; I was mightily pleas’d, and you may judge the great
satisfaction I receiv’d. My love towards you being so violent, I was
resolv’d to hazard my friendship to him, and rather than fail, be a
Traitor; and indeed, what would I not have done, to have had the
happiness of enjoying you? Therefore Madam, knowing his absence would be
absolutely necessary, it was I that fram’d that Letter which caused his
Journey, and thereby I had the happiness in his stead to be well used by
you and now Madam, you may unfold the Riddle, but I hope you are so
discreet as to conceal the truth of this Adventure, which were it
discovered, would be of dangerous consequence, not only to us both, but
also to your own Reputation; I judge you will conceal it, and hope you
will give me other opportunities of waiting on you, when I shall
acquaint you particularly how I came by that Letter and this; Thus
hoping that I may enjoy the second place if not the first in your
esteem, I rest_

                     Your most ardently affectionate Friend, _M. G._

This Letter being written, I enclosed it in the other, and gave it my
Boy, who ran immediately to the house, where he left his drunken
Companion, and opening the door, he made so much noise as awaked him,
wherefore my Boy seeing him ready to rise, ran to him, and insensibly
convey’d the Letter into his pocket.

The Boy being now pretty sober, remembred the Errant he was sent about,
and doubting he should be chid would needs depart about it; my Boy
permitted him so to do, and so came home to me.

And thus Mistress _Dorothy_ (said he to me) did I discover the whole
intreague of this business to my Mistress, and she soon after sent a
Letter to me, and another to my Friend, wherein she manag’d the Concern
so tenderly and so handsomely, that she satisfied him and me both, and I
having a Summons from her, waited on her three miles out of the Town,
where I acquainted her with all that she was ignorant of, and I pressed
her so with my affection, that she accepted me, and I think in time I
had the first place in her affection: and thus said he, did I live the
pleasantest life in the world, all the time that I staid in _Paris_; and
now I hope, said he, I have satisfied you with my amours, which hitherto
had been very fortunate, and I thank my Stars, _Venus_ hath been ever my
Friend, or else I had not had the happiness of your acquaintance, and
thus did he fully finish his discourse.

And now, said Mistress _Dorothy_, I have related all that I think is
convenient and necessary about my Gentleman Soldier, and therefore I
shall conclude that Story; No, said I, I have some questions to ask you,
which I desire to be satisfied in, and which I believe will engage you
in a little further discourse: That which I am first to desire of you
is, that since you have entertained us so largely, and indeed
pleasantly, with the adventures of the Gentleman Soldier, that you would
tell us what became of him, and what more you know of him? for,
continued I, I am perswaded that all you can say of him is so
considerable, that it is worth our hearing, and your recital. Truly,
replyed Mistress _Dorothy_, I have indeed somewhat more to say of him,
which may be as pleasant as the rest, but his Stories being only things
by the by, and which do not at all concern you, and me very little, I
thought what hath been said already is enough, but if you will needs
hear me proceed further, I will not refuse you the satisfaction you
desire.

I have already, told you of his two _French_ Adventures, neither did he
tell me of any thing more that befel him in _France_ which was
considerable; but he having quitted that Countrey, and being come to
_England_, it was not long e’re I came acquainted with him, and our
acquaintance proceeding to a familiarity, he not only related to me all
those adventures I have already recited, but he also told me the
condition and state of his affairs at present: He told me that he left
_England_ upon a discontent, for he having been in love with a young
Gentlewoman, one of his own age and Quality, and that so long and
effectually, that he had won her to consent to marriage, provided her
Parents did so: but when they came acquainted with his pretentions, they
absolutely refus’d it, for no other reason, but that his estate did not
equal hers, for she was the only Child of her Parents, who were very
rich, and he although he was equal to her in birth, yet in Estate he
came far short, as being a younger Brother, and having but a small
allowance or patrimony, nor indeed was there much probability of any
increase or addition to his Estate: This was the Consideration why he
was refused, and therefore having again tryed his Ladies mind, who
although she loved him well, yet was resolved in her marriage to be
wholly guided by her Friends, and finding himself frustrated in his
hopes, and expectations, he therefore became melancholly and discontent,
so that to throw off that indisposition which this had caused, he
resolved for Travel, and thereupon to _France_ he went, where as I have
told you, _Venus_ made him some amends for the dissatisfaction he had
had in _England_, but in time he being weary of that place, and
returning home, he found his Mistress married to another, who had been
more fit for a winding-sheet than so young and fair a Bride, for
although he who had married her was not very old, yet he was in a deep
Consumption, and thereby wholly incapacitated to please a Lady. That
which made her Friends impose this Choice upon her, was his great
wealth: In this condition he found her at his return, and considering
the Condition she was in, he had some hopes one day of enjoying her,
either as a Wife or Mistress; to this end he made some Addresses to her,
but they being taken notice of by her Parents, but more especially by
her Husband, she was forced to command him to forbear any more visits;
with much unwillingness he did obey her, but it was but for a while, for
he getting acquainted with her Chamber-maid, who was flexible enough, or
easie to be made so by Gifts or Presents he bestowed on her at present,
and large promises of what he would do for the future, so that in short
time he won her to be at his dispose, and to betray her Masters secrets.
Whereupon, when her Master was absent, she presently gave him notice of
it, and perswaded her Mistress to walk abroad to such places where he
was sure to meet her. She like a Woman of much vertue and constancy, for
a large time held out, and would not so much as entertain any
conversation with him, but in the end by his humble and amorous Letters
and fervent Protestations of a vertuous love, promising her that he
designed nothing against her virtue, and since he could not enjoy her
Love, that he might have the first place in her esteem; she at length
consented to treat with him, and now he being admitted to treat, by
degrees insinuated his old love and great misfortune, he let her know
his great constancy, which as it had, so it should continue with him
till death, these discourses and other arguments which he us’d, were as
the Bellows to blow up a flame out of the very ashes where it had long
lain, so that as she could not deny but that she had formerly loved him,
and that most tenderly, so she could have done so still, had she not
been married, but being married, she told him she must banish all
thoughts of former love: but as he had now brought her to confess a
former love, so he left not off there, but by degrees perswaded her to a
new friendship, not a new one, but a renewing of the old; and as
friendship had been the first step to their former love, so it was now,
and she in a short time confessed that as she had, so she still did love
him: in fine he brought her to this pass, that she confessed she lov’d
him as well as ever, and were she free to choose a Husband, she would
chuse him before all the World; he having gain’d thus much upon her, by
degrees proceeded further, and he promising to remain always unmarry’d,
in expectation of that time, that she might be free to marry; she
promised him that if ever that time came, that she would certainly marry
him before all the persons in the world. At this point they continued
for some moneths, and her Husbands Consumptive-distemper encreasing,
there was great hopes that in short time it would send him to the other
world, where he was wished to be with all earnestness. As their converse
continued, so their love encreased, and he became impatient of delays,
and was so bold as to desire of her the only thing she had refus’d him,
but very angry she was when he first made the proposition; wherefore he
was forced to forbear any further discourse of that nature, but her
Husbands lingring Distemper continuing, our Lover was out of all
patience, and therefore he was once again resolved to propound that to
her, without the enjoyment of which, he could not be happy nor quiet,
wherefore being resolv’d what to do, he was now to think how to do it,
and believing that if he should begin any discourse upon a subject which
she hitherto had wholly dislik’d, he should be interrupted and not heard
out, and it may be she would proceed into some violent language against
him, wherefore he was resolv’d to communicate his thoughts to her in
writing, and there he intended to be very plain with her, whereupon he
writ, and sent her this Letter.

Madam,

I_t is now some years since I first began to affect you, and that
affection in time became so violent, that I was forc’d to discover it to
you, you did not at all dislike it at first, for in little time found a
tender esteem from you, which by my constancy, and perseverance was so
encreas’d, that I perceiv’d you did also love me, neither were you
asham’d to own the affection you had for me, but made me protestations
of a love that should be lasting, and there was nothing wanting, as we
thought to make us both happy, but the consent of your Parents: but that
not being gained, I preferr’d your interest and quiet before my own, and
not being able to live near you, and not see and love you, which by the
inhumanity of your friends I was forbidden to do, I entred into a
voluntary banishment, and leaving all the enjoyments and pleasures of my
own Countrey, went into another, hoping in time that fortune who had
been so cross to me might be more favourable, but although I staid some
time in Forreign parts, and at my return heard of my misfortune, and
indeed your as unfortunate marriage, yet time had not banished you out
of my thoughts, I still had you perfectly in remembrance, and found that
my love to you was so far from being extinguished, that it was then
ready to burst out into a new flame. The obstacle of your being married
and thereby of the impossibility of my attaining my ends, did not hinder
me from endeavouring it, and I did so constantly persevere in my
endeavours, that I brought you not only to a mute compliance, but by
degrees I brought you to acknowlege that you still loved me, and that if
you were ever free to chuse, I should be the happy man whom you would
have for a Husband, the constancy of my affection hath wrought this
miracle, but I cannot perswade you to proceed further, and this at
present is the state of the matter between us. Now Madam, having done
all this, I am perswaded you may yield to what I further desire of you:
I know the strictness of your Virtue absolutely forbids you any
thoughts, but I pray let me be plain with you, and pardon these
expressions which I shall use to you, although you may judge them
immodest: Madam, you have promised to make me your Husband when it is in
your power, and I believe it is in your thoughts that one day you may do
it, for he who is your present Husband, appears to me and all the world
to be half dead already; He being in this condition, why will you not
permit me to reap the fruits of a long affection? but anticipating that
happy time that I hope must and will come: and Madam, besides these
Reasons, I believe and hope it will be for your profit, for I understand
the Condition of your marriage runs thus, that if he dies without Issue
by you, then his Estate returns to his next Heir, and thereby you will
be never the better for your marriage, and all this time you have spent
with him, is time ill spent and lost; but if you will permit me, I hope
to prevent the losing of the Estate, for I question not but there is so
great a harmony in our affections, that a Child will proceed from us,
and when you lose your Husband, you will not lose your Estate. This
Madam, is good policy, and although in the strictness of your virtue you
may not entertain any such thoughts, yet I am confident you may live to
repent the not doing it, Therefore hoping that these reasons will be
sufficient to over-rule you and that I offer this as much for your
content as my own, I ever rest_,

                                        Your constant Lover, _M. G._



                                CHAP. V.

_Mistress_ Dorothy _having finished this last Story, relates how a woman
  by her own confession, at her Husbands death discovered the common
  inconstancy of the Sex, and her disloyalty to her Husband, by being
  provided before hand._


This (continued Mistress _Dorothy_) was the Letter that our Lover sent
to his Mistress, whose chast thoughts engag’d her in a great anger
against him, but whether it were real or feign’d you may judge by the
sequel, for it was not long er’e he was admitted into her favour, and
then having the liberty of converse, and being resolv’d to prosecute his
intentions, he so backed his Letters with arguments, that caused her to
give a mute compliance, and silence, being the best token of consent, he
by that gathered that she did yield, wherefore he again engaging the
Chamber-maid in his Designs, and acquainting her that her Mistress had
yielded to him in every particular but enjoyment, neither did she refuse
him that, he desired her to stand his Friend so far, as to be
instrumental in giving him the opportunity to come to her Bed side when
she lay alone, as it was usual with her to do; The Chamber-maid
believing that she should not anger her Mistress, and oblige her Friend,
and being willing to further and not hinder any sport, was not long e’re
she gave our Lover his desir’d satisfaction; for she bringing him to the
Chamber when her Mistress was in Bed, there left him. He who was not
ignorant how to deal with a Lady soon over-rul’d her, and she seeing it
was to no purpose to resist, with a kind of willing unwillingness
permitted him to come to Bed to her; what they did you may judge by the
event, for in convenient time she discovered her self to be with Child,
she frequently lying with her husband also; and being with Child her
Husband was an overjoy’d man, and did hope, that as he concluded himself
able to get a Child, so he might in time be restored to his former
health: Our Lovers though they often met, yet they used all wariness and
circumspection, and our Gallant to take off the opinion of his still
courting his old Mistress, began a Courtship with a new one, or at least
pretended so to do, and thus the time was spent till such time as her
time came to be delivered of a Child, which proving to be a brave lusty
Boy, gave great joy to all parties, especially to the supposed Father,
who was much joyed that he had so hopeful an Heir to enjoy his Estate,
and his Wife being again strong, and having layn in her full time, he
again accompanied her; but in short time after he piqu’d off, and as he
had deceived his wife in his life time, so now in his death he cheated
the very worms, for they expecting a full body, found nothing but a meer
Skelleton to feed on, you may be sure our Lover was joyful enough at the
so long wished for, and now happy News of the death of his Rival,
neither was his wife much discontented, although by her outward
deportment she made the world believe that she was a most disconsolate
widow, and she was so reserv’d that for some time she kept her Chamber,
and much longer kept within doors, not visiting any body, nor permitting
any body to visit her but her Parents, and those who were nearest
related to her Husband. However she and her intended Husband held a
Correspondency, but it was but with Letters, which were interchanged by
her Chamber-maids assistance; In time all these mourning Solemnities
were over, and she appear’d abroad again as resplendent as the Sun, and
the fame of her plentiful Estate, great vertue, and charming beauty,
drew to her many Adorers, whose business was Sirreverence, Love; she who
was resolv’d what Instrument she would play on, and what Pipe should
make her musick for the future, gave them all the hearing, but was
absolute in her answers.

Her Parents seeing she had so many Suiters, desired her to make choice
of one of them, and again engage her self in a matrimonial Life, she
replyed, that in time she might again be perswaded to do so, but when
ever she gave her consent to alter her condition, she intended to be
more curious than she had been, and to have more freedom in her choice;
They replyed, that indeed they had in a manner impos’d the former Match
upon her, which had been fortunate enough, but however, when she had a
mind to alter her condition, she should have all possible freedom in her
Choice. She being thus left to her own dispose, in short time permitted
her old Sweet-heart to make one in the number of her Suiters, what he
wanted of Means to carry on his business the more splendidly withal, she
supplied him, so that for Gallantry and good Mien, he outdid all her
other Suiters, and being confident of Success in his undertaking, he
baffl’d them all, who were a Company of whining obsequious Lovers, so
that at his appearance in full lustre, they like stars at the day and
Suns approach, shrink back, and disapear’d; leaving him to Rule, and
Reign Soveraign in that heart where he already had full possession, and
now she being absolutely at her own dispose, she told the world that she
thought she was obliged to reward his great constancy, by permitting him
to be what he had so long desired to be, her Husband: and therefore he
was married to her; and now both their joyes, were compleated, and they
both thought themselves fully recompenced, for their many troubles and
so long stay, especially when they considered how much better their
condition was now than it would have been had they been married at such
time as they both at first desired; for although he concluded that his
Predecessor had possest her, yet it had cost him dear, for his Estate
was all given in Exchange, and now lawfully invested and settled on a
Child, who although he and all the world believed to be his lawful Heir,
yet they knew the contrary, and our Lover was Father of a Son and Heir
the first day of his marriage, and which was the greatest Paradox, such
a Child as he did conclude was of his own begetting; and now she did not
(I suppose) repent of the counsel he had given her, and which they
together had put in practice, to the great satisfaction of them both;
These Considerations (said Mistress _Dorothy_) I think were very
considerable, and conduced much to their satisfaction, and now, said
she, I think you can expect no more relations of this nature, for in
this condition I left our two Lovers, and here I shall put an end to all
that I know of his Adventures.

I seeing that Mistress _Dorothy_ had done, and finding that she had
fully finished her discourse, told her that I wish’d all true Lovers, no
worse a conclusion of their amours than these two had; but, continued I
it was well that they managed their affairs so privately, that neither
her Parents nor Friends had any suspition of him, for if they had, it
might have fallen out worse with them, and this our recital puts me in
mind of a small story that I have heard, which in regard it somewhat
resembles yours I shall presently relate to you, and thus it was:

A young-woman had (by the over-ruling and perswasions of friends)
permitted her self to be married to an old man, who lived some years
with her, but she was soon weary of his Company, and being free in her
converse and carriage, gave opportunity to several young men to court
her, her Husband saw it, but without any possibility of redressing the
same, for he being old and feeble, and she young, obstinate, and wilful,
did rule the Roast her self, and so disturb’d and vex’d him, that it
shortned his days. When he was on his Death-Bed, and believed he should
die, he like a good Christian was resolv’d to be in Charity with all the
world, but his wife had so cross’d and affronted him, that she who of
all the world he should be most in charity with, was most out of his
books, and he was resolv’d to put her out of his Will too as much as he
could, she believing that he would die indeed, and that it might be to
her prejudice if he should die in the minde he was then in, was resolved
if possible to put him into a better mind, and therefore she attended,
pleased, and humored him, in every thing that it was possible to do; he
seeing so great a change in her carriage, changed his mind also, and
being now very weak, and just at deaths door, made his Will, and in good
and orderly manner named her his loving Wife, and making her full and
sole Executrix of that his last Will and Testament, gave her all he had,
and now having seal’d his Will and given it into her custody, he would
also give her his blessing, and told he was in full and absolute Charity
with her and all the world, only he desired one request of her, which he
praid her to grant him, and not be angry at the proposition he should
make her; she promis’d him attention and obedience, and thereupon he
thus began:

Although you have of late given me some Testimonies of your love and
obedience, and thereby won me to a good opinion of you, yet know, till
that of late I had an ill opinion of you, and that not without cause,
especially to the outward appearance, and indeed I must needs tell you,
I was troubled with that disease which the world calls jealousie, but
your late good carriage hath cur’d me of that distemper, and now I am
dying, I give you free leave to marry, and conjure you so to do with all
decent conveniency; but above all things, I only beg you not to be
married to _F. K._ who of all your Company-keepers I had most suspition
of, and therefore have most cause to hate.

This is that which I desire of you, and which I hope you will as you
have promis’d me obey me, in: The good woman seeing that her Husband had
finished his discourse, thus replied;

Truly Husband you may, and I hope will rest satisfied that I will obey
you, when I shall tell you that I must not, will not, nor cannot be
married to the man you name; for I’le assure you I am so far from doing
so, that I am already determined to have another, and indeed, to
satisfie you farther, I’le assure you the Contract for marriage is
already drawn and passed between us, and nothing is wanting to finish it
but your death, and the Ceremony of the Church. The poor old man hearing
her give this answer, was so troubled at the thought of it, that being
almost dead already, this quite kill’d him, whereby she had the means to
put her Design in Execution.

Thus said I, have I finished my discourse, and as it much resembles your
Story, so I believe your Lady was of the same mind as my woman, although
she had so much discretion as to conceal it from all the world; but,
continued I, your story is very pleasant, it being such an expedient to
get an Heir, and thereby get an Estate, as I have not heard of, and
indeed the young Gentleman did deserve to have somewhat considerable for
the use of his Lady; for I conclude her his ever since he had took the
pains to court her and gain her affections, and promise of marriage, and
although his Estate was not equal to hers, yet together their Estates
would have been so considerable as might have afforded them a sufficient
maintenance; but now it fell out better, she not being much damag’d, he
much improv’d by travel, and their Estate now being a very plentiful
one. Indeed I wonder why friends should hinder marriages when both
parties are agreed, only for the deserts of a little money, when as let
them do what they can if either party match otherwise, their lives are
commonly miserable, and although Matches are upon that account sometimes
obstructed, yet commonly in the end they take effect.



                               CHAP. VI.

_A Widow that was wealthy resolv’d to marry none but such an one which
  should enlarge her Estate, under that Pretence she was cunningly
  out-witted by one dropping a Letter; she is married to one not worth a
  groat, instead of a Joynter he gives her a Copy of Verses. He
  afterwards grows jealous, the sad effects of Jealousie, and a strange
  Story thereupon._


I having finished my discourse, it was well approved of, but said
Mistress _Dorothy_ often-times the one party being covetous, and
marrying only out of hopes of a good estate, is out-witted and deceived
by the other, and since, said she, we are entred upon the discourse of
marriage, I will give you an account of one who was over-reached in that
manner.

There lived a woman of my acquaintance who having been once married, and
her Husband dead, was resolved to have an other, but withal, she was
resolved that she would have such an one that should enlarge her Estate,
which although it was considerable enough, yet she intended now to have
such a Husband as should bring an Estate equal to, if not exceeding her
own. Her former marriage had been when she was very young, and then it
was for love, and that Love being dead, she intended to bury all fond
love with him, because she had bin so easily courted, and won by her
first Husband, several others put in to be her second; but, as she said,
having tryed the effects of love, and finding that it had been likely to
have made her miserable, she purpos’d to have no more of that, but
intended now to have such a man as she did not hate; one accomplish’d,
and likely enough to do a womans business, but all this would not do
unless he were rich; and being thus resolv’d, she turned off all Suiters
that came to her, that she did not know were thus accomplished.

At length came a Gentleman that was a very likely man to the outward
appearance, and he professed he had a hundred pounds _per annum_, and it
may be more: Those friends that introduced him into her acquaintance,
told her that he was a plain upright honest man, and that what ever he
said or should say of himself she might believe, and withal that they
knew that his Estate was worth three hundred pounds _per annum_, he
having spoken so modestly of himself as a hundred pounds _per annum_ and
his and her friends telling her of three hundred _per annum_; she knew
not what to think of it, or which to believe, sometimes she was of the
opinion that he might have the three hundred pounds _per annum_ her
friends talked of, and only out of modesty, and to try her temper, spake
but of one hundred pounds himself, because he intended after marriage to
be the better esteem’d by her, because things proved better than she
expected; and at other times she did not know but that he might be an
Imposter, and it may be had little or nothing, and that all this was but
a Trick to catch and over-reach her, wherefore she was resolv’d to
proceed with all caution.

He being desirous to put an end to his courtship and finish all by
matrimony, asked her when the day should be wherein they should be
joyned? she told him that she was not in haste, and that it was fit
before marriage, to make some provision and settlement of Estate, as
that afterwards there might not be any cause to repent, and therefore if
he would say, what part of his Estate he would settle and ensure on her,
and conclude that, the marriage might soon be concluded on.

To this he presently answered, that his Estate was a hundred pounds _per
annum_, and somewhat more, now he would put her to her choice, whether
she would have the hundred pound _per annum_ settled on her, or leave
the business to his own free will and appointment, telling her that he
questioned not but she would deserve well of him, and that then it would
be to her advantage, not to have any certain Settlement.

To this proposition she knew not what to answer, but being covetous told
him that she would for two or three days consider of it; he was content,
and so they parted. The next day he took occasion to visit her again,
and pulling somewhat hastily out of his pocket, he dropt a Letter which
he did not miss, but going out of the Room left the letter behind him.
This Lady seeing it fall, took it up, and seeing that by the
Superscription it was directed to him, and being very desirous to know
somewhat of his affairs, she was resolv’d to keep and peruse it:
wherefore he soon after leaving the house, and she being retired, and
having opened the Letter found these Lines:

Sir,

A_fter due Respects to you, these are to acquaint you that although we
have had the misfortune of your long absence, yet your affairs have
hitherto fallen out fortunate enough, and are likely still to continue
so, for of the last half years Rent due to you, I have gathered in two
hundred pounds, which you know is the whole within a small matter, and
there is three hundred pounds more fallen upon you by an accident which
you may receive at your first arrival: for_ S. L. _your old Tenant in
your Copyhold and his Wife are both dead, and their Son hath offered two
hundred pounds for a new Lease, renewed in his and his brothers Names,
besides an addition of twenty pounds_ per annum _Rent more than
formerly, and a hundred pounds more is offered by Goodman_ L. _to put in
his Sons Life into his Lease, so that I am much importuned to dispatch
them, If you please to perform these two Leases (as in my opinion you
may) they are so desirous of their Bargains that they will pay down the
money to me, and take my promise that you will at your return seal to
them, so that if you please to accept it I will send up the whole sum,
five hundred pounds together, it being more safe and profitable for you
to dispose it at_ London _than here._

_And now having done with your business, I beseech you pardon me, if I
desire to know whether, and how you proceed in your Love Sute, for the
Widow_ R. _who you had some affection for her, is desirous that you
would renew your Suit, and she is in some better capacity as to her
Estate than formerly, for an Unkle lately dead, hath left her five
hundred pounds: but Sir, I knowing that you do not esteem money equal to
affection must be silent, and leave all to your own discretion; Thus
desiring your Worships Pardon for this boldness, I rest_

                                       Your Worships Servant

                                                      and Steward,

                                                             _L. T._

Our covetous Widow having greedily read over this Letter, was hugely
pleas’d with the Contents thereof, and hugg’d her self for the good
Fortune she was likely to have; for now she resolved that her
Sweet-heart had near five hundred pound _per annum_, besides five
hundred pounds ready mony in his Purse that she knew of, but the latter
end of the Letter did not at all please her, wherein the Steward was so
bold as to put him in minde of his old Love, and she was very fearful
that the five hundred pounds additional Estate that she had, might
incline him to renew his Suit; wherefore all these matters being
considered, she was resolv’d to delay or protract the business no
longer, but upon his next desires of marriage, to accept of it, and that
upon his own terms.

Wherefore two or three days being past over, wherein she had promis’d to
consider of it, and he again desiring her Answer, and withal telling her
that his occasions called him into the Countrey, she therefore tells him
that she was so far perswaded of his Love and Honesty, that she was
ready to be married to him so soon as he pleased, and that without any
terms leaving it to his own disposing, not doubting but as she had
generously cast herself upon him, so that he would be as generous in his
providence for her; he replyed that she should command all he had, and
then by her consent ordering the Wedding Solemnities, they were within
three days married. She hoping that by her freeness with him, he would
be civil to her, gave him the Keys, and thereby the possession of all
her Money, Plate, and writings, and he taking so much as he had present
occasion for, returned the Keys to her again.

And thus they strived to out-do one another in kindness; but some weeks
being past, and he not at all speaking of his Countrey affairs, she put
him in mind of them, telling him that it would be convenient for him to
visit his house in the Countrey, and that if he pleas’d she would
accompany him in the Countrey, and withal adding, that she hoped he
would be as good as his word, and make her a considerable Joynture; he
reply’d that she had so well pleas’d him, that he would make her a
Joynture of all he had, she believing that it was as considerable as the
Letter express’d, gave him many thanks; and thus he fed her with good
words, but still delay’d his Journey, and put her off with some odd
pretence or other, but she at last becoming importunate with him for her
Joynture, he told her that he was so well skill’d in Law, that he would
draw a Draught of it himself, and give it her to advise with her
friends, she was now well enough content, only she still put him in mind
of the Draught of the Joynture; he told her he was about it, and had
almost finished it, and one day told her that now it was done, and that
he also had occasion to take a Journey for three days, and in that time
she might confer with her friends about the Draught he would leave her;
she was very well content, and he taking money in his Pocket went his
journey; when she taking the Paper he had left, and believing it to be
the draught of her Joynture, went to some of her nearest Relations to
confer with, and have their advice about it, but they opening the Paper,
instead of the expected draught of a Joynture, they found these Lines:

            _Grave plodding Sirs, my Wife I’ve sent to you,
          That you’le advise her what she’d had best to do;
          She’s rich and so am I, beyond controul,
          For I have Lordships boundless as my soul;
          She’s vastly rich what need she covet more?
          Yet gaining me, she’s richer than before;
          I have no Lands, confest, but I have wit,
          Make her such Joynture as you please of it:
          I have good parts too, that she knows full well,
          And may confess, if not asham’d to tell;
          Both which she shall command nor will I be
          Unkind to her that was thus kind to me;
          What would she more? having enough of Pelf,
          Sh’ hath all she could have, since she hath my self:
          Dear-second-self, be not displeas’d, that I
          Have fram’d a Letter to gain thee thereby:
          Who would not rack his wits to spring a Myne
          So rich? all other’s poor compar’d to thine;
          Now here the Powers above henceforth decree,
          That none may work within that Mine but me._

The Gentleman returning, found his wife in so pleasant and _debonair_ a
temper, that he thought she had complotted with her friends some
satisfactory revenge that might be equivalent to the stratagems he had
laid to gain a wealthy Widow, with the subtle pretences of a fair
promising fortune. But having discourst her to every thing, and
penetrating the very recesses of her heart, found she was more satisfied
with his wit in this cunning contrivance, than if he had the real
enjoyment of what he so largely pretended; and now she hugg’d his soul
with much more ardency than her feeble hands could do his body: great
was the satisfaction on both sides, but much greater was the
Gentlewomans, finding an Husband answerable to her desires, beyond all
expectations; neither was the Gentleman backward in making ample
acknowledgements how happy he was in that his propitious stars had by
their clear shining influence lighted him to so fair a wife, with so
large a Fortune: The Friends and Relations of this joyful Bride were all
very well-contented by being out-witted by a Gentleman every way
compleat both as to Soul and Body, each wishing it had been their lucky
hap to have had a Son in Law of so worthy a person.

For a considerable time they nothing but treated one another, which was
done on all sides with so much Gallantry and generous freedom, as
sufficiently demonstrated the greatness of the respects and friendship
they had for one another. The new married Couple were like a pair of
Turtles, always wooing and courting each other, with so much ardency and
affection, that they were look’d upon by all, as the best Pattern of a
kind Husband and a loving Wife. After this manner they lived some years,
and obtained the fruit of all their enjoyments, by having several
Children Males and Females: But as it is usually and philosophically
said that what is violent is seldom permanent, so it prov’d true in our
two Lovers; for though there was no similitude in the loves of others to
theirs, yet length of time made their loves so dissimular to each other
by an unhappy accident, that we have scarcely heard of an Example of the
like kind, which produced a more dismal and lamentable Tragedy.

This Gentlewoman as I have informed you, was an extraordinary Beauty,
very handsome, and of a winning carriage, very familiar where she
observed any thing of merit or desert; only to be blamed for a small
matter of Avarice, which had ever ran in the veins of her Ancestors; but
principally to be admired for her modest deportment and chaste
disposition. In her minority when the sweet Rose-bud, her virginity was
scarce blown, she had a vast quantity of Suiters, which dayly sollicited
her Parents to give their consent that they might address themselves to
the Daughter by the way of marriage, some of the more wealthy sort were
permitted, others for want of a Fortune suitable to hers, were denied,
but she for her part lookt upon them all with so much indifferency, that
she gave none an occasion to boast of her extraordinary favours.

Whilst her amorous Visitants were despairing by reason of her extream
coldness, a young and sprightly Gentleman hearing of her incomparable
beauty, and rare accomplishments crowded in among the rest of her
Adorers, and at first sight concluded what he saw, to out-strip what
ever he had taken upon report, and fell passionately in love with her,
and having not other Rhetorique but his eyes, he employed them so
effectually, that they spake more in his behalf, than if he had had the
advantage of a score of eloquent tongues to have pleaded his Cause; the
warming Rays of these two little glittering Orbs thaw’d her affection
with as much facility as the melting Sun dissolves an hoary frost
crisping the Pearly-dew’d grass in a _May_-morning. Thus at the first
interview there was a reciprocal return of each others affections, but
though there was a suitableness in their wills, yet there was a
desparity in their Fortunes, which caused her friends to be utterly
against any overture that should be made as to a Match with this young
Gentleman and their Daughter, and lest there should be any private
conference between them which might more strongly cement their
affections, they resolved to prevent all things of that nature by
sending her to a place not only remote, but altogether unknown to any
but themselves.

What an heart-breaking this was to our two Lovers I will give you leave
to imagine; for a time it was almost intolerable, but Absence the best
remedy for a Love-sick heart cured her in some part; and hearing that
her friend’s discontent had forced him to travel with a resolution never
to return, (she being call’d home to her fathers house) was induced to
permit the visits of her Amorists as before; and now seeing herself
incapable of holding out longer, by reason of the perswasion of her
Parents, and incessant importunities of her Lover, yields to him, and so
they were married, with whom she lived very happily; but her Husband
dying, she lived a while a widow, in hope to hear from her first Lover,
which ever makes the deepest impression on the amorous heart, but being
assur’d by several credible persons (as she thought) that he was dead,
she bathing his memory with some tears, resolved when opportunity should
fair and advantagiously offer it self, she would throw off her
Widow-hood and re-assume her former condition. To this purpose several
addressed themselves to her, but she being a politick and crafty woman,
gave ear to them all, but gave credit to none. And indeed for my part I
cannot but applaud her prudence in not too hastily marrying after the
decease of her Husband, if it were for nothing else than the dayly
treats a woman shall meet withal in that condition, if she be handsome;
if wealthy, how will the presents come tumbling hourly into her lap? Not
a beauty hunter in the Town but will endeavour to have a flurt at the
Widow, and not a younger brother or decay’d Gallant but will try to
sawder up his crack’d Fortunes, though he spend his whole Revenue on
her, that is, either what he hath about him, or what he can borrow upon
a thousand Oaths and Protestations. But to return where I left off, this
Widow admitted several to caress her, whom she entertained handsomely
befitting their quality; among the rest this last (indigent) Gentleman
accosted her, the greatness of whose affections with the pretence of a
great Estate, carried her from all the rest; happily they lived some
considerable time, and longer they might have so done, had not this
Gentlewomans first Lover returned, who did so upon no other account than
that he heard his dearly beloved Mistress was in a condition to receive
him into her bosom, and so make him amends for all the sorrow and
trouble he had sustained for her sake: but finding his expectations
frustrated, he behaved himself like a man distracted, especially when he
had heard from her own mouth, had he been present, of all the men in the
world she would have chosen him for her Husband. This indeared
expression as it would at another time have transported him into an
Extasie of Joy, so now it wrought contrary effects upon him, for to
think by his rash and inconsiderate absenting himself he had lost that
inestimate prize he might have enjoy’d by waiting near it with patience.
His madness encreas’d to that height, he took his Bed and fell into a
desperate Fever; his Mistress hearing in what a sad condition this poor
Gentleman lay for her sake, could do no less than give him a visit to
comfort him, and reduce him if it were possible to his former
understanding, for he raved night and day, continually calling on her
name, exclaiming against her cruelty, and I know not what.

The ravings of this Gentleman were bruited every where some pitying him,
whilst they cunningly pryed into the cause of his distemper, and by
reason he was a person well known to most of the inhabitants, old
stories were rapt up, and all concluded the deplorableness of his
present state proceeded from this Gentlewoman.

Her Husband was not so deaf, but that he heard all these mutterings,
which extreamly disturb’d his spirits, insomuch that he now began to
question in his thoughts his Wife’s fidelity to him, but exprest not his
resentments in the least, resolving to see what the event of these
things would be. The Gentlewoman on the other side fearing lest she
should be the death of him she once loved equally with her own life,
resolved to restore him if she could, and to that intent she judg’d the
best expedient was to remove his despair, by giving him some hopes that
he had a share in that heart still which was once totally his; which she
did with so much assurance (though with no such intent) that he had not
so lost his senses but that he understood what she said, and therefore
begg’d a repetition of these words again, which she did so sweetly and
with so much seeming reality, that this remedy had like to have proved
his absolute ruine, for at this he cryed out as loud as his weakned
spirits would give leave, O let me die! since none more happy now than
I, and so fell into a swound; there were none in the Room but these two,
but the Gentlewoman with her shrieks soon fill’d the Room, who assisted
all to recal him, with much difficulty they did, and now their greatest
care was to get him to sleep; he was now easily perswaded to any thing,
to all their admirations, and so reposing him self that night, there was
by the next morning wrought so wonderful a change that all his friends
were amazed. This miraculous recovery plainly appeared to proceed from
his Doctress for after this there was not a visit that she gave him,
which did not sensibly amend him.

At length he was restored to his perfect health, and now did this
Gentlewomans Husband fall sick of a worse distemper, the _Plague of
Jealousie_, and raved as the other had done, but in a worse manner; for
now he did not stick to call that wife (which he knew with all her
Friends to be honest and virtuous) Whore, Strumpet, _&c._ It was to no
purpose for her to justify her innocency, for he was so strongly possest
with an opinion of her dishonesty, that he would not hear the least Plea
in her behalf, but so enrag’d he was that nothing proceeded out of his
mouth but vows to be revenged on his Wife and loose Associate; several
attempts he made on them both, but ineffectual; insomuch that it was now
high time for their friends to advise them not to come near him, till
some means might be used to convince him of his misbelief, and to lay
open the danger that would ensue should he persist in this misgrounded
opinion.

This counsel was well receiv’d and followed, this Jealous Gentleman
being thus deserted, and the Subjects of his revenge removed from him,
ran up and down like a mad-man, but seeing at last this could not be the
way to effect his purpose, desisted from raving, and seemed to hearken
to the counsel of his friends who advised by all means to harbour no
such unworthy thought of his wife, pawning their souls she was as honest
as their own, with many more perswasions, which he hearkned to with
great attention seemingly, and to be short, acknowledg’d his error; and
if that they would be the instruments of bringing his wife to him again,
he would on his knees beg her forgiveness, and the Gentleman whom he had
wrong’d, they making him bind his promise with many Vows and
Protestations, assured him they would use their utmost endeavour, in
short time they prevailed with the Gentlewoman to return upon the
Conditions aforesaid.

Coming home, this hypocritical jealous Devil prepared a sumptuous
Dinner, and invited his supposed Rival, with many friends to rejoyce
with him in this happy reconciliation between him and his wife, and in
the mean time he applied himself to an Apothecary, an intimate friend of
his, whom he thought wicked enough for his purpose, and one that he
might confidently trust, telling him that his wife was a Whore, and that
he knew the Rogue her lascivious Paramour; that he was a dead man if he
was not revenged on them both by death, and for that purpose he must
help him to a strong dose of poyson that shall dispatch them instantly;
the Apothecary after some pauses, with the proviso of never being
discovered, consented, and gave him something in a paper, which with
much joy he received, and carried home with all expedition. By this time
dinner was ready and serv’d up, the Guests seated, and he bidding them
welcome with a chearful countenance, declar’d to the whole Company that
he had highly wrong’d his wife, and that Gentleman pointing to him, that
if they would forgive him, he would make them amends; they readily
condescended to what he had propounded, and now nothing but a general
jolity was observed throughout the Table, the Glasses went about
merrily, there being all sorts of wine to excess; and now let me bring
this feast to its Catastrophe. The Cloth being removed, and all prepared
and ready for a Grace-cup, this graceless man, the Master of the Feast,
call’d for a Bottle of Wine, in which before he had conveyed what he had
received from the Apothecary, and filling out thereof in a large glass
up to the brimm, drank an health to his wife, wishing they might never
have more difference here, his Wife and all the Company gladly accepted
the notion; he having drank it off filled to his wife, which she drank
off to her former Lover, he receives it, and drank, as the other had
done, to the next having so done, the Husband started up, saying, It was
enough, it should go no further; every one admired at the humour, which
he perceiving, said, you must think I love my wife and her friends
better than so, than that they should drink what you do, they deserve to
have something therein better than ordinary to end all differences on
Earth, and make them Saints in Heaven, I love them not so ill as not to
bear them company; Come, come to your prayers for a prosperous journey,
our time is but short. Lord! what a confusion was all the room in, when
they heard him speak after this manner, knowing now that he had
perfected his revenge by poysoning them and himself too. Several were
dispatcht instantly for Antidote to expel the poyson, whilst the poor
Gentlewoman and her friend were on their knees offering up their last
Petitions: having said some Prayers, Husband, said she, I forgive you
with all my Soul, but know, I ever lov’d you too well to defile your
Bed, and as these are (as I suppose) the last words I shall ever speak
to you more, I am innocent as to what you unjustly suspect me with; and
let me, said her friend, on the dying words of a sinful man protest, I
never defiled your Bed, and do believe her from all others as chaste as
the chastest Vestal-Virgin; whilst they were thus confessing, the
Apothecary came in just as the Husband had kneeled to ask Heaven
forgivenness for this triple murder. The Apothecary seeing them all in
this posture, he broke out into a very extravagant laughter, which made
the Husband turn about his head, who seeing the Apothecary, cryed out,
Seize that Villain, it is he that hath help’d me to do this damn’d Act,
it is he that hath furnished me with those hellish materials to murder
the innocent; by this time conceit had so wrought on the other two, that
by their faces it was high time the Apothecary saw to unriddle the whole
matter; wherefore desiring them to rise, Gentlemen, said he, the Master
of this house upon a discontent grounded on jealousie, the particulars
whereof you all know, came to me, and desired assistance in his revenge
by poyson, had I deny’d him he would have gone to some else, who might
have embraced his wicked design, but to the intent I might hinder all
further attempts, I gave him nothing but what was harmless, and assure
your selves there is no danger in what you have drank, my life for
yours; this strangely amaz’d them all, the Gentlewoman was demanded how
she felt her self, she acknowledged to have no sense of alteration, and
so did the other; the Husband seeing how fouly his Plot was discovered,
and being ashamed to breath after so much intentional guilt, drew a
Dagger and attempted to stabb himself three or four times, but was still
prevented, being at last somewhat pacified by his good wife, he retired,
and having for two years sequestred himself from the enjoyments of the
world, exercising himself in all things that became a penitent man, he
vowed a weekly pennance during his life, and so was throwly reconciled
to his wife, and the moderate enjoyments of this life.

And thus Mistress _Dorothy_ finished all her Stories acquainting us
further, that amongst these many Amorists that came to see her, her
friend the Scrivener, became intimately acquainted with her, and
frequenting her Company often, gained so great an Interest in her, that
he being bound for the _East Indies_, perswaded her to go with him in
mans apparel, which she did, and there found some of her old
acquaintance, and one that had been so familiar with her before in
_England_. Every one had now given an account of the most considerable
passages of their lives, excepting only the Captain, who being
sollicited thereunto, freely condescended to anatomize his life, without
mincing the least material truth, and thus in the Chapters following
gives you the whole relation.

[Illustration]



                               CHAP. VII.

_The Sea-Captain gives an account of his illegitimate Birth at_ Bristol,
  _was left on a Stall, and maintained by the Parish. He is deluded by a
  Bawd, and perswaded to steal; he is taken_ ipso facto, _committed,
  arraigned, and condemned to be transported; the Bawd is carted._


It’s now high time for me to acknowledge the great Satisfaction I have
received in your relating so many witty and pleasant passages, that have
occurr’d in your lives time hitherto; nor can I (without injuring your
ingenuity) but commend your generous freedom in discoursing every
Remarque, and not omiting any observable, though you knew it could not
chuse but cut the very throat of your dying Reputations; and that I may
not seem to fall short of that frankness, and gallantry, I will not so
much as seem tainted of the late unpardonable sin of these times; Men
making it generally their business to censure the Lives and Actions of
others, without being in the least sensible of their own, or amending
those they cannot hide. Wherefore I shall not abate my self an Ace, nor
shall I let a Vice escape, (whereof I am and hath been plentifully
stored) without letting you take notice of its shape, complexion, and
constitution; Nor shall I hide this truth from you, that I came into the
world by stealth; being begot in _Hugger-mugger_. As my Parents begot me
rashly, so they left me carelesly to the world, not doubting, but that
which was gotten with so much heat, would live in spight of Fate. They
were the more resolute in this cruel resolution of leaving me on a
Stall, having generally observed the good Fortune that generally attends
Bastards. I was not long left on the Stall, (as my Nurse hath several
times since informed me,) but that Hunger awakening me, I piped so
shrilly, (and so unexpectedly lowd from a Child so young,) that I soon
penetrated the ears of a great many pitiful minded persons that were
passing by that way: but the greatest number were of the Female Sex. The
Maids, you may think had fine tittering sport; whilst I poor Babby cryed
for I knew not what, and well it had been if I never had known what it
was to shed a Tear. At length a notable old Woman of the vulgar sort,
pressing into the crowd; _Stand aside_ (quoth she) _ye giggletting
Huzzies; get ye home to your Mistresses service; there is some of ye,
for all your laughing now I warrant ye, will be putting finger in eye
before these nine Months, upon the like account_, and so steps to me;
_What_ (said she) _the Child must not starve, though it be a By blow;
its none of the poor infants fault_; and so opening her Breast, she
conducted her Nipple to my mouth, which immediately quieted my bawling.
Various were the Discourses and suppositions of the People whose Child I
should be, every one giving in his verdict according to his imagination,
or the suspitions he had entertained of such and such. Some that were
more curious and inquisitive than the rest, strictly survey’d me all
over, and having commended me for a lusty Child (as generally such are,
who are begotten by the heat of blood and strength, grown to full
perfection) but likewise praised the proportion and promising features
of my tender countenance. At last, a Paper some espy’d pinn’d to my
breast, which my Nurse preserving, since I was of years, she gave them
me, and I committed them to my memory, which were these:

            _You see I’me pretty, and am cleanly clad;
            Shew then more pity, than my Mother had.
            But four days since, that I received breath;
            O do not let me cry my self to death.
            Take home your Child, this Parish is my Mother;
            And what’s distressed in it is my Brother.
            Keep me awhile, for in some time don’t fear,
            I’le fully recompence your cost and care._

Whilst these were reading by a fellow, that thought himself not meanly
so, because he could read written hand; there was a general silence, but
no sooner had he ended, but there arose a greater tattling noise in the
Crowd, than twenty Bake-houses, or a Fair in any Countrey town could
produce. Saith one; _I warrant the Father on’t was no Fool, for
doubtlesly he wrote the Verses, but the Mother was without question a
cruel Quean, that could find in her heart to let so lovely a Babe to
perish by extremity of cold_; for it was then about _January_. The
Constable was straight way informed of this accident, who readily came,
and caused me to be carryed to a Churchwardens: the Woman that was so
tender-hearted as to suckle me, was glad of the imployment, hoping she
might be the Woman elected to be my Nurse; which fell out accordingly,
she lately loosing her own Child of a quarter old. The good woman was
overjoyed she had got another to supply the place of her own; especially
since she suspected that her age would not permit her to be assisting in
the getting of another, and therefore was the more tender of me; Her
care and fondness made me grow apace, so that in 12 Months I was called
her chopping Boy. To pass over that age, wherein the understanding is in
_Embrio_, and Reason and Experience have not yet consulted about the
governing of the grand concerns of mans future being; I shall only give
you an account of my Life from the Ninth Year of my Age, till this
present.

My Nurse could not choose, when I was but Seven years old, but take
notice of many things I committed, for which she severely chastis’d me,
endeavouring to stop me in my first proceedings, knowing my pretty
Rogueries had their rise from an inclination to all manner of Vice.
Above all things I loved all sorts of strong Liquors, not that anything
accounted pleasurable, could go amiss with me; for how could it
otherwise be, since my Parents, (as I have been informed) studied only
how to enjoy their Heaven here, by enjoying what was agreeable most to
sence; and therefore I could not be unlike them, who was the absolute
extract of no common delights. I say I loved in an extraordinary
measure, whatsoever was strong, yet being too young, and so could not
drink for the sake of good company, I would greedily drink for its own
sake, and that I might procure my satisfaction that way, I found
frequent opportunities to steal small parcels out of my Nurses Purse
when she was asleep, and then pretending that she sent me for Ale, would
drink it by the way; Any small trivial thing, as a Knife, &c. in any
House wherever I came, I instantly seiz’d them as my proper Goods and
Chattels, and converted them to the use aforesaid: I had a very good
convenience of a Bawdy-house not above a Musquet shot from our House;
the well disposed Matron thereof, would not only receive what I brought,
but would give me half as much Ale as it was worth, besides her
blessing, (curse be upon it, I never thriv’d since I had it,) the breath
of her best wishes being enough to blast the most promising hopes, that
ever yet aspiring Youth entertain’d within his breast; Nay, she told me
I was her white Boy, instructed and encouraged me in the Art of
theevery, telling me the welcomer I was, the oftner I came. By this
means I began to know what it was to keep Company, her Wenches being my
initiators, by whose help and my forward endeavours, I commenced Master
of Art, before I could sum up Twelve years; I soon became Professor of
that deep Mystery, and could when occasion served not, swear mouthingly,
(which others call gracefully,) looking impudently, talk impertinently,
or imprudently, drink profoundly, and smoak everlastingly. I had got a
trick to laugh at every thing, because I would not be accounted morose,
or phlegmatick; The melancholy man is a thing by itself, differing from
the whole creation; in which every individual _species_ loves either an
intercourse in converse, or amicable Society. That humour certainly was
spawned by the Devil if it be true (as it is affirmed) that all Vices
take their Original from Melancholy: on the contrary, what fault can he
commit, whilst he is laughing, and merry, that deserves so much as the
knitting of a Brow? Not that I will excuse my self; for my laughter was
immoderate, and unseasonable, things so offensively ridiculous to any
wise man, (as I have considered since) that it were better to be
destitute of a mouth, than that distorted Mouth should abuse the
grateful off-spring of a cheerful heart.

I could not have gone to a fitter School than this, to learn Impudence,
Lies, Oaths, Drunkenness, with all other Vices and Debaucheries, which
commonly flow from such like Nurseries for Hell, Factors for the Devil.
My frequent ramblings after this manner abroad, and in my returns, my
jolly temper and jocular humour at home, made my Nurse begin to suspect
me, calling me to an account where I had been, with whom, and whether I
had not tippled. I was grown so stout a Drunkard in so short a time,
that my tongue and feet made a firm contract never to betray me, and
therefore to all her demands I had excuses at my fingers ends: However
she could not but sensibly find a decrease in her small stock; her chief
livelihood depending on the sale of Apples, Nuts, Ginger-bread, Eggs,
and the like, and thought all her endeavours were blasted from above: I
saw her much troubled, and grieved, and I could not but be a little
troubled, that I should be the destruction of my preserver; but as
seldom any such perplexing thoughts came into my head, so I was ever
cautious how I entertained such disquietness. But Heaven decreed, that I
should not be the ruine of this Woman, and therefore permitted me to go
no longer on in my Roguery with her. For a little distance off our
House, I stept into a lower room in an Alehouse, and seeing no body, I
imagined the coast was clear. If I had seen any, I should have askt some
blind question or other; for I was sufficiently well acquainted, not
only in that Parish, but through all _Bristol_; that was the place of my
Nativity: I say, seeing none, I catcht up a Beaker, thinking it was
Silver, (but its new scouring deceived me) and clapt it into my
Breeches, and so marcht off, as I thought undiscovered, endeavouring
with what speed I could to repair to my old Rendezvouz. But he that
observed me to steal the Beaker did now dog me to the Bawdy-house, which
I had no sooner entred, but I was groaping in my Breeches for my
purchase, which when I had pull’d out, I tendred to my Landlady,
desiring her to be civil to me; _ne’re question_ (quoth the fellow
behind my back, that had watcht, and now catcht me) _you shal have as
much civility as a whip will bestow on your back; besides what kindness
lies in my power to do you_. Hearing him say so, I would have run a race
with him, but I found him indisposed, being out of breath before, and
therefore held me fast, desiring one of those that were crowding about
the door to hear what was the matter, to go and fetch a Constable, which
one more officious Rascal than the rest, presently did; and the
Constable taking me in custody, and about to carry me before the Justice
(cryed) _Hold, good Mr. Constable, I pray, Sir, let me desire you to put
your self to the trouble to view the House farther; which by this gave
Matrons leave, I question not we shall find well furnished with variety
of Goods which by her constant care, and the indefatigable pains of
others she hath gotten together_. This fellow, with the Constable, and
my own roguish Urchinship had no sooner entred the Kitchin, but he
espyed a Plate with the Letters of his name on’t, which I had stoln
about a fortnight before from him: which taking up in his hands, sharply
demanded of the good old Gentlewoman, how long it had been a sojourner
in her house, and by what means it came to stray so far from home? This
antiquated piece of more than common impudence, did not stick to tell
him that she bought two dozen of them of such a one, that lately broke
up House keeping. _Where are they_, quoth he? _before you on the shelf_,
quoth she, with as much ignorance, as confidence. Upon this, he made his
eyes the diligent and speedy Surveyors of that shelf on which the Plate
stood, and of two dozen he found not two marked with one and the same
Letters. _Why thou illiterate fool_ (said he) _I took thee till now to
be an old crafty Devil-ridden Hag; the very Marks_ (which are all
several) _do sufficiently evidence that each had his Master, before thou
wert Mistress of the four and twenty_. Hereupon he made a strict Survey
over the Utensils of the Kitchen, and found most of them of the like
nature. Some trivials whereof he knew to be his own, as Spoons,
Porringers, Sawcers, and other small things of light carriage, and easie
conveyance, all which he seized and committed them to the custody of the
Constable. Then turning to me; _Come my little-pretty-rascally thief_
(quoth he) _as you have shewn your self ingenuous, so ingeniously
confess what things you have stollen from time to time, either from me
or my Neighbourhood, and in so doing I will stand your friend, and
endeavour to mitigate the severity of your ensuing punishment_.

I hearkened diligently to his flattering words, (for so I found them)
but knew not what to resolve on, thinking on the old Proverb, _Confess
and be hang’d_ made me as silent, as a _Turkish_ Mute, or one born dumb.
Which he perceiving and finding me timerous; _come, confess like a good
Boy, saith he, otherwise it shall be the worse for you_. Hearing him say
so, I trembling looking stedfastly on him, to my great sorrow could read
in his angry countenance the manner and severity of my punishment.
Certainly had he at the time been arraigned upon suspition of Murder,
the Judge needed no other evidence than that of his monstrously cruel
looks. Never did Keeper of _New-gate_ look half so frightingly on a
re-taken Fellon, having broken Prison, than he on me, and therefore
without dallying with him further, I fell on my knees, and with as many
salt tears, as sweet words begging his pardon, I informed him of every
particular I could remember that I had stollen from him; assuring him
further, that it was not my own natural disposition, but the instigation
of that old Beldame (pointing to the Bawd) that induced me thereunto;
encouraging me daily in this pilfering way, by receiving what I brought
her, and making me drunk for it; and if I had not brought her a purchase
once in two dayes, I had her menaces and threats; besides her upbraiding
me with sloath and idleness, and calling me her good boy for nought.
Mrs. Bawd had not the patience to hold her tongue longer, but too
hastily endeavouring to excuse her self, by accusing me, her lying
pretences had like to have choaked her by disgorging them too fast, so
that she was forced to pawse a while till she had recovered a little
breath, and wiped away the froth she had so plentifully foamed at the
mouth; presently after she opened in this manner; _Why you young Rogue?
how dare you thus abuse an honest Woman (though I say it) of my Calling?
I am old enough to be your Grandmother, and therefore you might have
reverenced my Age. Besides I have paid Scot and Lot these two and thirty
years where I live, and as well, or better acquainted with the Justice,
than most of the Parish are with his Clerk; Sirrah, it is well known
what I am; a Mother of many Children in an honest calling, and never
left them to be kept by the Parish, as your Mother did you, Whores-egg.
I have had Knights and gallant Gentlemen in my House early and late, and
none of them ever yet could say black was mine eye. I have had as fine
handsom Gentlewomen (and young too) as any in this City, that would not
have dined with their friend without me, I thank them; and as they were
my Lodgers, they had so great a respect for me, that they would not stir
abroad, or hardly do any thing without my approbation, and such was
their esteem of me, that I am venerably called their Mother by them, and
others to this day._

_Well Mother_, (then said my Securer) _let us go to this Justice you are
so well acquainted with; I doubt me, that knowledge you have of him will
do you no great good; it would have been more your advantage if you had
less known him_. And so without further delay he charging the Constable
with us, and the Constable charging others to aid and assist him, my
Grandame and I were both conveyed before the Justice, where upon
examination I confessed all, not mincing the truth in the least, laying
all the fault on the Bawd, who endeavoured to excuse her self, but to no
purpose for the Justice told her he knew her too well, and was glad of
this opportunity to put a period to her Bawdy reign; as I had confest my
self guilty of those petty thefts, so I had my _mittimus_ immediately
drawn, and so had she hers too, and the more deservedly, by how much the
Receiver is worse than the Thief. We wanted not attendance (you may
imagine) to the Gaol: the whole Street, and the next to that being
raised in an instant to see a spectacle so preposterously disagreeable.
In the first place a thing so antiquated and old, that there was not one
on Earth living that knew her age, neither could she tell herself,
having outlived the knowledge thereof, and yet instead of minding her
winding sheet, she would have stoln her own Coffin rather than lawfully
buy it, had she any way of a cleanly conveyance; nay would have cheated
the Sexton of a Burying-place, if her nails, which were long enough, had
they been as strong, could dig her own Grave. In the next place, a sight
to be lamented, one so young, that he had no sooner skipt out of his
Hanging sleeves, but was gotten into the Highway, or ready road to be
hang’d.

                  *       *       *       *       *

The Crowd and throng of People was so great about us, that the Constable
made what speed he could to Shop us, so that we were forced to march
a-pace, a thing that would vex a Horse to be on a Hand-Gallop to his own
throat cutting. The Boys and Girls swarm’d about me, some calling me
singly, Thief; others, theeving Bastard; which unpleasant sounds did so
often beat against the Drum of my ear, that angers Heroick passion was
quickly alarm’d, and did soon put it self into a posture of revenge.
Though I knew my self basely born, yet I found my blood had the same
heat and height of that of Princes; and though I was too sensible of the
Guilt of their aspersions, yet my lofty Spirit would not brook to be
upbraided therewith; wherefore, if any with his reproaches came so near,
as that I could reach him with my Fist, I would not there fail to ring
him a Peal. I had dasht so many in the Face, Eyes, and Mouth, or
wherever I could best strike, that I engaged a young Army of Enemies
against me, who in Front and Rear, nay, on each wing too, did so
desperately assault me, that had I had the hands of a score of
_Briariuses_ they would have been to few, if no stronger than mine. The
Constable at last was forc’d to be my Champion, who so bravely defended
me, as not to deprive me of my offending my numerous Foes.

You must not imagine that our good Matron went along more quietly than
my self, who, (while I was so disadvantagiously fighting my way through)
was pelted on all sides with rotten Apples, Addle Egs, Dirt, or whatever
was filthy or loathsom; so that by that time we got to the Gaol, she was
now fitter for a Pest-house than a Prison, having all those stinking
ingredients about her, that are the common procurers of an universal
Contagion. She no sooner entred the Gate, but the Prisoners cryed out,
sough, what have you brought hither? Do you think Want and Vermin will
not kill us fast enough, but you must thus poyson us? Such Criminals as
were so skilful as to know their own Fortunes, were in hopes that the
stench of this woman would save the Judge the trouble of Condemning; and
the Sheriff the labour of hanging them. Others who knew they should not
die that Sessions of a suffocating Quinsy, laid presently violent hands
on her, and dragging her into the Yard, there Pumpt her sweet and clean.
The next work was to Hand-cuff us, and clap bolts between our Legs. My
Godfathers (the Churchwardens of the Parish) hearing of their graceless
God-childs confinement, came to visit me, who were worse than ever
_Jobs_ comforters were, for they only upbraided them of those secret
sins which had thus publickly disgraced him; but these told me, shame
was too mild a punishment, and hanging was too good for me. In short,
that should be my end, and wisht I had saved the Parish from charges, by
being hanged some years before. My Grandam hearing what a sad sentence
my Ghostly-Fathers pronounced against me, and that I must inevitably go
to Pot concluded she should be Roast-meat to bear me Company at old
_Nicks_ table; for the People by her Diabolical looks were more than
half persuaded she could not but be a Witch at least.

Sessions approaching I often meditated on the word, _Hanging_; but the
word struck so heavy on my Imagination, that it rather benummed than
anyways quickned the sence of punishment: Death I lookt on then with the
ignorant and misjudging eyes of a childish understanding, fancying that
it was but the meer privation of Life, and there is an end, and not the
separation of Soul and Body for a while, till they be by the Infinity
rejoyn’d, never to be separated again, either in endless Joys, or
Eternal Woes. But as often as I thought I should be soundly whipt, or
but have as many single stripes, for every several Roguery I committed,
so often would the tears trickle from my eye, whilst my heart was ready
to burst, not having the benefit to discharge its grief.

Whilst I was ruminating with my self, what would become of me, my good
Nurse came to me, at whose sight I was ready to dissolve into Tears,
neither was she much behind hand with me, so that it was very difficult
to judge who wept fastest. But at length recovering her self, she
charged me home with all my miscarriages, and thinking she had made me
fully sensible of them (which she thought she had done by my pitiful
looks) she then instructed me, how I should behave my self for the
future, if I escaped this bout, and finally counselling me that I should
freely confess my faults to the Judge, and then most penitently (with
all submissiveness) beg his Honour not only to pardon, but pity the
tenderness of my Age. I con’d my Lesson so well, that three days after,
when I was carried to the Sessions House amongst the rest of the
Prisoners, and being called to the Bar, I was bid hold up my Hand, and
answer to guilty or not guilty, to what I stood Indicted? I answered
guilty (_submissa voce_) with so low a voice and so much seeming
shamefacedness, that the judge I perceived took special notice of my
seeming modest behaviour. He thereupon askt me how old I was: My Lord
(said I) my Nurse informs me I am twelve years old. A prime youngster
indeed, replyed my Lord; but why said you your Nurse inform’d you, and
not your Mother? May it please your Honour, (said I) I was never so
happy, either to know what she was, or where she is. At this reply of
mine, I observed his Lordship more amazed, than he was before surprized,
to see so young a Felon appear before him; his wonder was so great, that
he only caused me to be set aside, and so proceeded to the Trial of
others. I was so kind to my Granney, that I impeacht her not, and indeed
her _mittimus_ ran (by the connivance of her old friend the Justice, who
had been a good Milch Cow to him, but could now keep her off no longer)
for only keeping a House of Debauchery, and rank Bawdry. At the last day
of the Sessions I was sentenced to be transported, and the venerable
Gentlewoman (out of pure love to see me aboard) had the favour to ride
(by reason of her great age) in a certain thing, vulgarly called a
Tumbril, being Carted through the Town, attended according to custom,
with the usual Ceremonies that are duly performed on such solemn
occasions.



                              CHAP. VIII.

_Prisons marr and not mend, giving growth to the seeds of Roguery. He is
  releast out of Gaol, and sent aboard a_ Virginia _man, in order to his
  transportation; he makes his escape on shore in the Cock-boat from_
  King road, _and travails on foot to_ Barnstaple; _he is entertained by
  an Hostler, what a notorious trick he serves his Master; and how again
  his Master was notably revenged of him._


In that short time of my confinement I had made a considerable addition
to my stock of Boldness and Roguery, and was competently furnished with
subtility and craft to manage my Roguish design: Nothing troubled me
more, than that I had not my liberty to put in practice what I thought I
very well understood. Thus you see a Prison most commonly mars, but
seldom mends any. Whilst I was wishing for, and studying how I might
procure my enlargement, a Merchant came into the Prison, and enquired
for the Lad which was sentenced to be Transported; I (being overjoyed
with the hopes of getting loose) prevented his further enquiry by
telling him, I was the person. Hereupon he fixed his eyes upon me, which
seem’d well pleased at the spackness of my youth, and pleasantly askt
me; whether if I were not forc’d, I had any desire to travail: I told
him I fancied it above any thing, and were I left to my liberty, would
make it my choice above all things. _Since that you are so willing_
(said he) _you shall go for_ Virginia; _and that I may be sure of you,
stay here till I am ready to go, in the mean time I shall provide you
necessaries, and when the time comes, pay your Fees._ I presently framed
a sad countenance, and begged of him for the sake of all that was
Sacred, to take me with him, and I would serve him in any condition he
pleased; and that if he did mistrust me, if he pleased, I would go
instantly aboard. Being half perswaded I would perform what I promised,
and taking compassion of my pitiful moan, called the Keeper to him, and
paying my Fees, instantly sees me out before him; he would not
absolutely trust me yet, and therefore bad me go straight forward till
he countermanded me, which was but once in all the way, he drove me to
his own house. This Gentleman was one of the most considerable Merchants
in _Bristol_, who trading much to _Virginia_, questioned not but to make
a considerable Return of me, being a lusty young comly Lad. By reason
our ship lay by the Key side, a lusty Vessel of three hundred Tuns,
carrying twenty four Guns, he would not trust me on Board, fearing lest
the nearness of the Vessels lying ashore, I should have the better
opportunity of making my escape: Wherefore he kept me at home with eyes
enough over me; and that I might not be altogether idle, he displaced
two or three old Servants of his out of their wearisom imployments,
_Dog-turn-spits_ I mean (a usual custom through the whole City) that I
might take their turn. Now that my Master might not think I needed to be
forced upon business, mornings, and afternoons, (wherein I had some
cooling hours) I voluntarily imployed in learning to write, the sight
whereof gave my Master a wonderful Satisfaction; insomuch, that he
bought me a new Canvas Suit, with Shoes, Stockins, Hat, and two new
Shirts, but yet would not suffer me to stir aboard.

But now our Ship being rigg’d, victualed, and all things ready for a
Voyage, fell down into _King-road_, and he in a Boat the next day sent
me aboard of her. There being now no hopes left for escaping, I
endeavoured to please my self by promising my thoughts things
impossible, or very improbable when I Landed in _Virginia_. But that
night there arose a great storm the Wind blowing hard at South-East,
which made a very turbulent Sea, which so frighted me, that I fully
resolved if I escaped this, I would never be drowned in another like it.
We rode with but one Anchor, which coming home we were forc’d to drop
our shete Anchor which held us, and so rid it out.

The next Morning several of our men went ashore to the _Crock_ and
_Pill_, there to refresh themselves. I would have gone with them, but
could not be admitted; wherefore I resolv’d ere it was long to go ashore
by my self. In the day time it was impossible to attempt any such
enterprize; wherefore I judged the night must assist me, or nothing
would; the Wind being not fair, nor likely to be, one day most of our
men took Boat, and went up to _Bristol_, where taking their leaves of
their friends, came down to us as merry as Hawks, those that had been
aboard all day, upon the return of the Ships Crew, went ashore to the
_Pill_, where in less time, they got as considerable a Dose as the most
head strong of any of the rest had done. Night coming on, sleep needed
no other Harbinger to put them to rest, than their own ebriety, which
soon had lull’d four parts in five into a sensless security, snoaring so
loud, that I wonder they did not wake with their own noise. Now was the
time I imagined, that Providence had alotted for my escape, and so
seeing the Decks in a manner clear, I got into the Steerage, designing
to look for the Cock-Boat, which used to be a Stearn of us, but looking
out of the Port-hole I saw two lusty fellows (that were Passengers) in
the Boat, and were just putting off from the Ship side. I spake softly
to them, and threatned to discover them by crying out, if they would not
take me in: they seeing a necessity for so doing, consented to my
proposition, and in I got; they plyed the Oars so well, that we quickly
got ashore, landing at _Portshead_, for the Bell would have been a means
to discover us; and there turning our Boat a Drift, away we travelled by
Land most part of that night; in the Morning by inquiry, we found our
selves not farr from _Mineard_: we left the Town on our right hand, not
daring to venture through it, and keep streight on till we came within
six miles of _Barnstable_, there we lay in a Barn that night; my two
other Comrades had a mind to go to _Plimouth_, but I refused to go with
them, having been all suspected the day before, begging on the Road; I
thought my self more secure to be alone, imagining few would suspect a
Lad so young, and therefore resolved for _Barnstable_. Whither being
come, I addressed my self to an Inn, where begging a while, the Hostler
chanc’d to take notice of me, and seeing me to be a notable well trussed
Lad, askt me, whether I would assist him in rubbing down Horse-heels?
Yes (said I) with all my heart; he never questioned my fidelity, nor
what friends I had, for he thought it would be to little purpose for so
small a youngster to ride away with a Horse, riding to water, _&c._ The
frequent falls I had, (being a bad Horseman) had like to have put me by
my new occupation; for I was half of the opinion it was equally as
dangerous to ride a Horse-back as to ride at Anchor: and to lift me
clear out of the Saddle, my Worshipful Master did take much notice of my
frequent miscarriages, and fearing lest by my unskilful riding, or some
other accident I should have my neck broken one time or other and so be
forced to keep me, he was resolved to turn me off; that which confirmed
him in his resolution, was a scurvy trick I served him, which was
intended for the Tapster, which is as followeth.

The Tapster of our Inn, when he found me any time at leisure, would
commonly imploy me in attending his Guests, drawing Drink, and so forth;
I seldom went into the Cellar, but I would be sure to drench my throat;
for I thought I had wronged my Mouth, if I had missed one time, by which
means he could not but catch me sometimes; at first he took little
notice, but finding me to make it a common practice, every time he so
caught me, he made my ears pay for the injuries my mouth did him; but
one time above the rest, he did beat me in the Cellar so unmercifully
with a Hoop-stick, that after it I thought I needed at least twenty of
them to keep my ribs together: the continual pain this beating put me
to, did also rack my inventions in studying how I might be revenged of
him: I could find no other way but this; observing the Tapster to be
very laxative, I went and consulted the House of Office, and found the
middle Board to be suitable and serviceable to my purpose; for by
loosing of but two or three Nails I could make it turn _topsy turvy_,
like a Trencher with a Tub of water to catch Mice withal; but I I
plumm’d the depth of the Vault, and found it in Golden Oar not above a
yard in depth; finding that I should not hazzard his life by this
enterprize, and having a brave opportunity to drink that night, (there
being great store of Guests in our House) I swallowed so much for joy
that my project would take, that my eyes were _miskie_: however all
being abed, and I the last up, resolved to be the first in the morning
to prevent others from dropping into the Pit-fall; knowing well from
former experience that our loose Tapster would be the early, and first
handseller of this design.

At length growing exceedingly drowsie, I fell asleep under the Manger, a
wonder to me since, that the Horses by treading on me, had not spoiled
my face, or some other part: about four of the Clock in the Morning I
was awakened out of my sleep, by an exceeding Griping of my Guts, and
found a great pronness to go to Stool; the fumes that ascended from the
excess of Drinking Ale the night past, had not only intoxicated my
Brain, but for that time so depraved my memory, that I remembred not any
thing of the Trap I had laid for the Tapster; wherefore to obey Natures
commands, I ran hastily into the House of Office, with my Breeches in my
hands, and treading on the Board, it slipt up, and in I dropt.

I thought once to have cried out for help, but hang it thought I, it is
better punish my nose a while, than lose my revenge: wherefore placing
the Board (which I could easily reach) even again, I crept up into the
corner of the Vault. I waited a great while, but none came, till my
patience was almost worn out; but at last I heard the tread of some ones
footing, I supposing it to be the Tapsters, was even over-joyed; But it
was my Master, stepping boldly into the House of Office, and treading on
the same Board, slipt into it as I had done before; whereupon catching
him about the neck (for I was almost up to the Chin) which had like to
have frightned him more than his fall; welcome said I, the welcomest man
living; you might have come sooner, I have waited here an hour at least;
he thinking the Devil had been in the Vault (for he could not conjecture
any mortal could endure to be there so long) cri’d out as loud as his
Wind-pipe (which was Organ-Tenor size) would permit; which doubling, he
at length drew help unto him, they sent him the end of a Broomstick
(preserving their hands for a sweeter imployment) by the help of which
he got out; but no sooner was he on his Feet, but without so much as
thanking them, cries out, the Devil is in the Vault, and so ran
distractedly into the House; The People hearing him say so, ran after
him, leaving me to shift for my self. There might I have staid long
enough, had not my own hands helpt me out. Being in the House he smelt
stronger than twenty of _Tom_-Ponds put all together, and so great was
his fright, that that added somewhat to the strong scent, if any
addition could be made. He was perswaded first to wash, and change his
habit, before they asked any questions concerning this strangely
surprizing adventure, for it was impossible to entertain any discourse
with him. In the mean time I having got out, ran immediately into the
Horse-pond, and there rowled and wash’t my self all over, and coming
out, finding that would not absolutely do, I uncloathed my self, taking
my Doublet first, and washing that throughly, and so my Breeches, with
my Shirt, and every thing else about me, I washed severally and
distinctly from those fetid impurities, they had contracted in the House
of Office.

By this time my Master the Hostler had shifted himself, and abundance of
the Neighbours were gathered about him, to be informed how this disaster
befell him. _Why surely Sirs_ (said he) _it must be the Devil, and no
body else, that owed me a shame, and now paid me home_; at that very
instant I came into the room where my Master was, who seeing me in that
manner dropping, and looking as bad, as one that had been drawn through
a Common-shore; _How now_ (said he) _whence comest thou? What hast thou
been doing?_ Master, said I, (if I mistake not) you were talking just
now of the Devil owing you a shame, pray tell me what it was, and how he
paid it you home, and I shall acquaint you with his late too much
familiarity with me. Hereupon my Master repeated what he had related
before briefly to me, telling me, that going to the House of Office this
morning early, he had no sooner stept within the doors, but the Devil,
(for he was sure on’t he said) unjoynted a Board, and pull’d him into
the Vault, and then jear’d him by welcomeing, him into that stinking
place. O Master (said I) as you were served, so was me your Boy (though
somewhat differing in manner) and I think by the same splightful Devil:
For coming out of the Stable by four in the morning, I was catcht up,
and thrown upon our great Dung-mixen, there was I rowled to and fro for
half an hour, and at last rowled into our Horse-pond; out of which with
much difficulty I scrabbled out with my life; you see what a pickle I
was in. This I feigned, that he might not think me guilty of that Plott
I had laid for another, but was every whit as glad, it did light on him,
for his beating me so often unmercifully.

Large was the talk of this strange accident, most not knowing what to
think on’t. He for his part a while did foolishly believe that some
infernal Spirit owing him some ill will, had thus abused him, till by
some apparent Symptomes he had discovered, he concluded me the Author.
To the intent he might the more fully revenge himself on me, he took no
notice on what had passed, neither did he express any dissatisfaction
towards me. One Night about 11 and 12 a Clock, when the whole Family
were most of them in Bed, he merrily askt me whether I had any Money;
yes, said I, here is two pence. Come on, said he, I will wager with thee
a Pot, I will jump further at twice, than thou shalt do at five times;
done, said I; Where shall the place be: Why here said he in this very
Entry where we are. He began first, and made three large jumps which
reacht as far as the Threshold of the outer dore. Having so done, I
followed him, and at the fourth, I toucht the Threshold with my Toes:
and then straitning my self to shew my nimbleness and activity, I leaped
a great way into the Street; he perceiving that, shut the door against
me, locking it, he spake through the Key-hole, saying, _Good night, look
your lodging elsewhere, your Lordship is to nimble for me_. My
entreaties were many and urgent to let me in, but I found him so
inexorable, that had I supplicated his Horses, I might have found as
much favour, as from this Esquire of the manger.



                               CHAP. IX.

_He relates what extremities he was put to, for want of Food and
  Lodging. His Lodging in a Mill, lying in the Hopper, discovers a very
  pleasant passage between the Miller and his Wench; and by a strange
  accident got a very good Supper that night; with many other remarkable
  adventures._


I was not so much troubled that by being shut out of dores I was
destitute of a lodging as to think how basely I was turn’d off by this
Yeoman of the Hempen Collar. Neither did I trouble my self at the
thoughts of lying underneath a Stall, (for I had too lately been
intimately acquainted with lying on the boards) but my mind was somewhat
perplext when I thought of meeting the Constable and his Watch, I fear’d
no lodging so much as one of their providing. To avoid which, I crept
under a Stall, and slept there that night. The Sun had lookt into our
Hemisphere with half an Eye, when I awaked, and glad I was I had so much
light to see which way I pleased to steer my Course. I directed my Feet
toward the Key, where I knew I should find diversity of Objects to
please my roving mind. I walkt there so long, still my stomack grew
enraged to that height that nothing could pacify it but a good
Breakfast, which I knew not how to obtain, or give it the least
satisfaction, but by begging. Whilst I was thus plotting how to support
Life, a Man in good habit steps ashore from one of the Ships which lay
by the Key, and walking a turn or two with me, askt me who I belonged
to, if to none, whether I wanted a Service? To whom I replyed, I was an
Orphan and Masterless, and that I should be glad to hear of a good
Service, and be thankful to him that should help me to one. That I will
said he, if thou wilt Sail with me to the _Barbadoes_, thou shalt fare
as I do, and since thou art a well favoured Lad, I will have a care of
thee as of my own Son (it may be so, if he loved him no worse than my
Father loved me) thou shalt do well ne’re question. He askt me whether I
would eat or drink, I told him I was both hungry and thirsty; come
aboard with me (said he) and thou shalt be satisfied in both. I thought
it no prudence, but rather very hazardous to go aboard then, and
therefore beg’d his excuse; he perceived my fearfulness, insisted on
that no farther, and so carried me to a Cooks Shop where he called
plentifully for Meat and Drink; and that I might not want sawce to my
Meat, he recounted to me the pleasures of going to Sea, what idle Lives
they lived, doing nothing but imploying their thoughts in what past time
they shall next divert themselves in; Sometimes playing at _Hob_, (a
usual Game amongst Sea-men in a calm) afterwards at Cards, Dice, Tables,
Talking, Walking, Smoaking, Drinking or Fishing, and then speaking of
_Barbadoes_ and other Islands they usually touch upon, he told nothing
but wonders of them. Though I had not the Faith to believe all he said,
yet I could not but be much pleased at the Relation. He spent some hours
with me to possess me with a belief of the verity of what he said; and
when he had exprest himself so largely that he could not utter any more
without Repetition, he demanded whether I would resolve to go with him;
I promised faithfully I would, but desired of him respit till the next
day; thinking I intended thereby to evade him, he would not consent to
it, alledging I was too young to catch old Birds with chaff; this was
but a trick of mine to fill my Belly, and that this was not the first
time I had served others so; however I will pay my share of the
Reckoning, and so farewell and be hang’d; there being sixteen pence to
pay, he threw down his eight pence. As he was marching down the stairs I
called after him, begging him to stay, he returning, I vowed I would
come to him the next day, and be absolute at his devotion; I backt this
Vow with many Oaths and Protestations, the breaking of which I valued as
little as Lovers do theirs in an amorous heat, if necessity should force
me to it. Well, said he, I will believe thee for once, but if thou doest
cheat me, I shall find you some time or other, and then——

Glad I was to part with him, resolving if I could make any other shift,
I would not go with him, Night drew on without any other success that
day; and now wandring to and fro in the dark not knowing where to go, I
arrived at the foot of _Welcomb_ Bridge; finding myself so near the Town
end, I resolved to get shelter under some Hay-mow, or creep into some
Pig-stie. As I walkt along I saw a glimmering light, and approaching it,
found it in a Mill; I lookt in, but saw no body, whereupon I boldly
entred (it being late) and sate down a while by the Hopper, to the
intent if any should have taken notice of my entring the Mill, I might
there in view have been excused my self. Now coming, and finding myself
alone, I got up into the Hopper (being a very large one) and there lay
close. I had not been long there, before I heard the Miller come into
the Mill, and discoursed with an other, which I judged Female by her
voice: not long after came his Boy with some Liquor of what sort I know
not, about to depart, the Miller charged him to bring the Capon as soon
as it was ready.

By their discourse I soon perceived the intent of that their nocturnal
meeting; for though the Mill stood still, the Miller was resolved to
grind that night. Various was their pretty little amorous tittle tattle;
but growing weary of talking, there was a cessation, and then I could
hear a bustling and puffing, as if the Miller had over-charg’d his arms
by lifting too many sacks of corn at once. After this, no noise at all;
then began a fresh Dialogue, but somewhat better qualified than the
first; Their discourse was full of kissing Parentheses, sometimes one
with another: their controversie at length grew hot, and the arguments
of these two Disputants were so powerful on each side, that they had not
a word to say. In the mean time in came the Boy with the Capon, setting
it down, but where is the Bottle (Sirrah) said the Miller? The Winer
said the Boy wont let it go without leaving Money for it beside the
Sack; whereupon giving him Money charg’d him to make haste, which he did
accordingly. The Miller and the Wench fell to it lustily. I could hear
by the swift motion of their chops, not letting three bitts pass their
greedy throats without six Gulps of Wine to wash them down. I wisht them
both in the Mill Dam, so that I could have had some of their good cheer.
At last the Miller being indifferently satisfyed, and impatient to taste
of other Flesh, than that of a Fowl, said, _Come my dear we will set
aside what remains till anon, which will taste better then, than now_; I
did wish they would have set it up in the Hopper; After this they fell
to their former dalliances; and all was hush again. I reaching up my
head by degrees, resolving to see; and leaning too far over the Hopper
to make the full discovery, I and the Hopper came tumbling over and over
down upon the Miller, and with my Foot had so dabb’d him into the Pole,
that half stund, up he got with his Wench, and both ran as if the Devil
had been in the pursuit of them; not knowing (when they had recovered
the fright) how soon they would return, I resolved not to be idle, but
snatching up the remains of the Capon and the Bottle I ran too, but it
was a contrary way, being at a good distance, and having recovered the
Fields I got under a Hedge, where I made a shift to fill my Belly,
though I could not see what I did eat; my Wine served to keep me warm in
my new cold lodging; but I found it had not cured my bruised Bones,
which troubled me so much, I cursed my curiosity, as well as the Miller,
who was the cause of all this mischief, wishing I had his Stones to peck
for him.

My happiness rose with the Sun, whose glorious beams having put to
flight the gloomy shades of the night, had also in part routed those
cares and fears which had surrounded me on every side. And now I began
to remember my promise to go for _Barbadoes_; which (after I had
seriously considered with my self) concluded it to be the best expedient
I could propound to my self for a future livelihood. But thought I, it
would not be amiss to carry some Venture along with me; but since I had
neither Parents, Friends, Credit, nor Money, there was no way to procure
any such thing, but by my wits, which I was resolved to stretch, or
stretch for it: I walkt the streets almost one whole day, but could not
contrive a way to insinuate my self into any shop, without much
suspition, being so small an Urchin; But rather than spend a day thus
fruitlesly, I purposed to hazzard all; and therefore coming by a
Shooemakers Shop, I boldly stept in, and as confidently askt the Master
thereof, whether he knew my Master; who is thy Master quoth the
Shooemaker? Capt. ——— said I; he replyed, he knew him not. You may then
said I, for he pointed to this Shop even now, bidding me stay till he
came, he intends to buy a parcel of shooes of you, being bound to Sea in
a long Voyage. The Man hearing me tell this formal and plausible tale,
desired me to sit down, telling me I was heartily welcom; I told him I
had been sitting all day, and therefore desired him to give me the
liberty of walking in his Shop, with all my heart said he; and with all
my soul too, thought I; for by this means I had the opertunity of
Surveying the Shop, and seeing what things my hands might lay hold on
with least difficulty and hazard. He not suspecting me in the least,
followed what he was before about at his Cutting-board, and his back
being towards me, I secured a pair of Childrens Shooes, which lay among
many more carelesly on a Seat, which I securing, I stept to the Man at
his Cutting-Board; sometimes looking on his work, and then stared him
caution by my eyes to have a care, lest I should steal the noble Trade
of the _Gentle craft_ from him; then standing at the door as if I lookt
every moment for my Masters coming, and then retreating inwards, would
wonder, or rather mutter to my self, that if he should stay so long.
Walking a turn or two backwards and forwards, I espyed a pair, that I
verily believed would fit me, my heart leapt within me at the discovery,
and my fingers never left itching till I pincht them by the Ears, who
made no outcry, when I conveyed them into my Breeches; fearing to stay
longer; (knowing to well the danger if I were taken) I came to the
Master of the Shop with my Hat in my Hand, telling him I would go look
my Master, assuring him I should find him either at the _Rose_, or
_Kings-head_ Tavern, and as soon as I found him would return again
instantly. Do so, my pretty Lad, quoth he, do so; which I did with such
an over eager haste, that had he observed me, I might have been betrayed
thereby. Overjoyed with this success I fully purposed to be couragious
for the future, and banish every base thought, that might lessen or
abate a dangerous or desperate resolution. To increase my purchase I
walkt into another Street remote from that I committed my first Theft,
where I busily imployed my eyes in the search of any advantage, though
ne’re so inconsiderable; they quickly found out what my thoughts aimed
at, and therefore drew near my intended prey, a Hosiers Shop, the Master
whereof was busily imployed in making up of Stockings of all sorts into
Papers, marking thereon the Prizes. A Logger-headed Fellow, taller by
the Head than my self, had little to do, it seems then to gape and stare
on the Gentleman that was at work; he lolling over the Stall, I came and
leaned by him, where we both gazed so long, till we had seen him make up
several Parcels.

I had a great mind to have some Stockins to my Shooes, if I knew how to
get them. There was no thoughts of going in after the obsolete way of
nimming them, under the pretence of cheapning, for my Habit and Age
would have been incongruous, to that design; I had various Projects in
my head, and I verily believ’d one would take, (since there was but one
man in the Shop) if I knew but which of them would prove most infallibly
effectual; for I approved them all as very good. Seeing his work almost
at an end, I thought it high time mine should begin; wherefore this
Lobcock (who lookt like one who never was nor ever would be good for any
thing) I say, I propounded him as the fittest instrument I could use for
my designed good. To commence this Knavish stratagem, I pincht him
gently by the Ear, which he feeling, grumbling like one suddainly awakt
out of his sleep, asked me what’s the matter? Nothing said I, he lolling
again after his afore accustomed humour, I twek’t him again, at which he
grew angry, and threatned to box me: I regarding his threats no more
than the humming of a Gnat, stuck a Pin to the Head in his Breech; at
which he caper’d like a dancing Horse; and ney’d so loud, that I could
hardly forbear laughing, but he soon made me more serious, by lending me
such a cuff on the Ear, I thought he had struck my head off my
Shoulders; I endeavoured to defend my self as well as I could, warding
his blows, and now and then returning one, creeping as near the Shop
door as I could; the Master of the Shop perceiving my Antagonist was
like to be too hard for me, left off papering his Stockins, to part two
so unequally matcht; that was my pollicie, that I might get him on my
side; with much ado, by the help of my Shop-friend, I dis-ingaged my
self from him, and seemingly much afraid, I ran violently into the Shop,
pretending to fly from my furious adversary; and turning hastily about,
I saw the Hosier was much concerned in keeping the Looby from running in
upon me; all this while his back was towards me, which favoured my
exploit so rarely well, I whipt up a Paper of six pair of Stockins, and
sent them into my Breeches undiscovered, to keep company with the Shoes;
having finished this work, I had so cunningly plotted I called to the
Hosier, Master, Master, said I, let the cowardly Lubber come, and let me
see what he dare do, I commend the little Boy said the Hosier, and so
loosing him, he ran furiously upon me, I being less by much than he,
dodg’d him, and so got clear out of the dore, the Hosier holding him in
the Shop, till I had cleerly escap’d him; The Hosier, (as I understood
afterwards) presently missing his Stockings, overtakes this Boy, that
made not half the haste that I did, to be far enough from the Shop, and
dragging him back, charg’d him with stealing a Paper of Stockins who
stifly denied it, as well he might. The other told him that though he
lookt like a simple ignorant Dolt-head, yet he had found him the
cunningest Knave that ever he met with: These are new tricks indeed,
spick and span new, piping hot. I have heard, _when Knaves fall out
honest men come by their own_; but I never heard when two such Young
Rogues fall out, honest men should loose their Goods. Sirrah, not only
produce the Stockins you now have stoln but those I have lately mist,
and that presently: you are like to pay for all. A Young Lad (one of my
Confederates afterwards) stood by all the while, and told me, that his
Gestures at that time out-did all the changlings that ever had been
before him; all that the Hosier could get out of him was, that the boy
he would have beaten had them; This would not serve the turn, but caused
the Constable to carry him before the Mayor, who hearing the whole
story, wondred at the subtility of the Plot, especially proceeding from
such Green Heads (concluding us Partners) and that his Worship might
hinder him from the like, or worse attempts, committed him to
_Bridewell_, there to remain one whole Month, and thrice a week to be
severely lasht. I was glad to hear of his confinement being freed from
the fear of meeting him in the Street, neither durst I much ramble
abroad for fear of meeting the Hosier; wherefore I was resolved to make
what hast I could to get me and my _Cargo_ aboard; to the increasing
whereof I found the acquaintance I got among young Apprentices, with my
skill in _Span-farthing_ and _Chuck_, to be very instrumental; For being
busie at play whilst their Masters were at Dinner or Break-fast, (which
were my chief Market times) I could with ease slip into the Shop, and so
whatever came to my hands was lawful Prize. What I had gotten at
_Chuck_, _Span-Farthing_, and such like Juvenil Games, I found
sufficient to provide me sustenance for the day, and had spare hours
enough to exercise my Art of Pilfring; what each days Theft had
produced, I warily carried to my Magazine, a place that I had found out,
secret and secure enough for that purpose, _viz._ a ruinated old Castle,
not far distant from the Town, rarely frequented by any. In the Wall
whereof, I found a large hole, where I intomb’d my Goods, I like a Cunny
with her Stock of young Rabbets, never let it lie open, when I left it.

There was not a Day wherein I did not add to my Store; so that thriving
thus in my Theeving, and success attending all my Rogueries, I grew so
impudently confident, that I thought almost that I could have stoll’n a
mans skin from him without discovery. But Danger and Destruction are
seldom nearer, then when security lies at the Door. I had been in many
shops but never in a Booksellers, wherefore I was resolved to make one
Trial there; and studying what Book to ask for, (being acquainted with
very few) I pitcht upon an _Accidence_; but that I thought would not
suit with my Canvas habit, I then thought a _Spelling-Book_ would be
much fitter; so advancing within the Shop Dores, I demanded of the
Apprentice whether he had any such Book; he answered affirmatively. Pray
let me see it, said I; whilst the young man was reaching down a bundle
of stitcht Books, in which it was tyed up; I had cleanlily conveyed a
Book into my Breeches, (which proved to be a _Practice of Piety_) the
Apprentice not finding it in that bundle, searcht in another, which gave
my hands the liberty of seizing on another Book, a piece of Divinity as
well digested and as Practical as the former, called _A Help to
Devotion_; his Master which lay covert this while in a place called
_Catch Thief_, hastily called his Man to him, to tell him what he had
observed, and to let me alone till I was going away, and then to detain
me; giving me in the mean time all the advantagious opportunities I
could wish for; and to dissemble the matter the better, the Apprentice
fumbled a pretty while before he could find it; by that time I had made
other purchases, but one especially, the Title whereof you shall know
instantly.

Having found the Book, he delivered it into my hands; I tumbling it over
askt the Price: Two Groats, said he; I that had no mind to buy it, was
resolv’d to bid little enough; will you take Three Pence; The Rascal
snatcht the Book out of my Hands so furiously, I thought he had torn it
to pieces; and then griping me fast by the Arm, (a Pox on him I did not
like well his looks before) _Sir_, said he, _Your Worship is very
merrily disposed to offer me as little again as my commodity cost me.
What Books else do you want? Or is your Honour of all sorts well
stored?_ So clapping his hands on the knees of my Breeches, discovered
what I had been doing. This disgracing Villain makes no more ado, but
bawls out aloud, Master, Master, come quickly, I have caught the
Bookworm that hath devoured so many Books of late. The Grave old
_Segnior_ upon this out-cry quits his covert, and in a Spanish pace
advanced towards me, accosting me with the worthy Title of _Honoured
Sir, I am glad to see you, and am much troubled you should heretofore
visit my Shop, and I abroad. I understand you are a great lover of
Books; insomuch_ (they say) _you are a little walking library: be not
offended Sir, if I take the boldness to look into the Title of one or
two of them:_ so putting his hands into my Breeches, drew out a
_Practice of Piety: An excellent good Book. I protest_ (quoth he) _you
are to be commended for making election of such approvedly sound
Divinity, to inform you of the true principles of Christianity;_ diving
again he brings out M. _Scudders Christians dayly walk;_ Upon the sight
hereof he seem’d to be ravisht, saying, _surely this is a young Angel;
and if he reads and practises such precious Books as these, he will be
Canoniz’d for a Saint before his decease._ And then applying himself to
me; said, _for certain your walk and the_ Christians dayly walk _differ
much, for his dayly walks are in the righteous paths of honesty and
Justice, but you walk dayly up and down to see what Thefts, Cheats, and
Rogueries you can perform. But let us make a further enquiry,_ and then
he drew out a _Help to Devotion. Do you see_ (said he) _how Devout he
is? how piously studious? not one scurrilous Pamphlet, or Play-book in
all his Study; What shall we call him;_ Religious Votary. _But indeed
Sir,_ (said he) _you are highly too blame not to put your books (having
so many) into some method or order, and not let them lie thus confusedly
without shelves._

He searcht a pretty while again before he could find any more, at last
he found in a blind corner a Book, and bringing it to light, what should
it be, but Mr. _Smiths Great Assize_; _Look you here_ (said he) _what I
have found at last? before which at last you must appear, and there
answer for all the Villanies you have committed, and then will these
very Books (thou hast stoll’n) come in as evidences against thee; but
hoping thou wilt escape there, they shall convict thee here_, and so
presently sent his Man for a Constable, who coming, we straight way
marcht to the Mayors. As ill luck would have it, we were to pass by both
the Hosiers Shop, and the Shooe-makers, who enquiring of the rabble what
was the matter, were informed that they were carrying a young Thief to
the Mayor, for stealing Books; the Shooe-maker was the first I past by,
who seeing me, knew me presently, crying out, _this is the young Rogue
that stole my shooes_; and not long after the Hosier was in the same
tone; _this is one of the Rascals that stole my Stockins_, so joyning
with the multitude, we soon arrived at the Mayors house; entring which,
the Mayor being acquainted with the matter, came down into a large Hall,
where my Accusers each in his order declared my guilt, not omitting any
circumstance that might aggravate my crimes. The Mayor much wondred that
I should be so notoriously Roguish at those years, and askt, what I had
to say for my self. _May it please your Worship_ (quoth I, bowing so low
that my nose e’ne toucht the Ground) _I am fatherless, and Money-less,
Friendless, and Helpless, and being ready to starve, I begged up and
down the Town, but to very little purpose; for I beg’d so long without
relief, that I knew not how to prolong my Life, without falling into
these indirect courses. Had not the People been thus hard hearted, I had
not been so sharp witted._ What did you do with the Shooes and Stockins
you stole? _I sold them_ (said I) _for Bread and Beer._ Where, said he?
_May it please your Worship, I am a stranger in this place and if you
hang me I know not where the house stands now._ But what did you intend
to do with these Books? _And if it please you, Sir, I intended with all
diligence to enquire whether any Ship was going for_ Barbadoes, _or any_
English _Plantation abroad and I would go in her; being able to read a
little, (and knowing my self to be a wicked Boy) I thought to carry them
along with me, to the intent I might both mend my reading; and by my
reading those good Books, endeavour to mend my life._ All the standers
by amazed to hear me speak after this manner; but more especially the
Mayor, who protested, although he was near four-score, he had not in his
whole life time observed the like President; and withal publickly
confest he knew not what to do in this business: at length (after he had
pawsed a while) said he; _young man, you shall have your desire, you
shall go to_ Barbadoes; _here is a ship in the Harbour now ready, only
expecting a wind; but that you may not forget your Native Countrey, this
Town in particular; but more especially your matchless Rogueries, you
shall be sharply whipt according to your deserts, and from the House of
Correction immediately shipt away. You Gentlemen, that have been
sufferers by this young Rogue, see that my sentence be punctually
performed; and if you please to give your selves farther satisfaction,
let each person offended, give the Offender three lashes apiece, above
the general number appointed._ I was straightways hurried from thence to
the House of Correction; not only Guarded, but regarded by half the
Town; my Accusers stuck to me to the very last, neither was there
wanting those (to the number of a score) that verily believ’d I had
abused them too (having lost several things lately) which accompanied
me, hoping to give themselves some satisfaction, by having each of them
a fling at my ——. The illest lookt Rogue that ever dropt out of a Carts
arse at Tyburn, was superlatively handsom to this Baboon, bare-arst,
Monkey-fac’d Jerker, that was to correct my Rogueship. His eyes were of
two different colours, and of as different motions; they would turn from
each sometimes to the utmost Angles of his face, as if they loathing
each other, would not admit of that correspondency which good eyes bless
themselves withal: and then again furiously return, angerly endeavouring
to pry into each others Cells, how they might extinguish the malignancie
of that sight, each other hated for the Neighbour-hood. The Hair of his
Head and Eye-brows hung over his Fore head, and part of his Face, like
that of an _Iceland Shock_; Nature when she formed him was very
frollicksom, and summon’d all the faculties of her art to make a thing
appear ridiculously monstrous; for the colour of his Face appear’d less
lovely than a _Molotto’s_, the sides of his Cheek like two pieces of
Tann’d-Hide flie-bitten; his Nose about an inch longer than _Mother
Shipton_ is pictur’d with, and somewhat more curved; his Mouth opened as
wide as an Oligators; and his Teeth within that vast Concave, alike
straggling, his Chin was like the Rump of a Goose. When he did sweat (as
he did rarely otherwise) his neck lookt very like a Collar of Brawn,
standing in its own Pickle; his back was borrowed from a Cammel, his
Belly from a Swine, his Leggs from a Crane, much longer, though not
quite so small; But I believe the Devil helpt him to Arms, for my
Doublet and Shirt being stript over my ears, there was an Engine brought
much like a Pillorie, in which there was three holes; the middlemost for
my Head, and one of each side for my hands: These Principal Members of
mine being there fixt, he takes up a Stick in his hand with five or six
Cords at the end thereof, with which, at the first blow, I thought he
had cut me in two, following that with three or four more, and in the
end did so lay about him, that my very Accusers were forc’d to intreat
him to give over; and when that would not do, they were compell’d to
hold his hands. To conclude, he had so out-done their expectations, that
they had now nothing else to do but to pity me; but this was not all, my
greatest affliction was yet behind. For lest those deep furrows the
Rogue had plowed up on my Back should fester or rankle, he had provided
a Bason of Water and Salt to wash my Wounds withal, which caused a pain
intollerable. The severity of that punishment, hath ever since wrought
so strongly on my imagination, that it makes me tremble, when I but cast
my eye on any Book of the same Volume of a _Practice of Piety_.

                  *       *       *       *       *

Mr. Mayor had ordered, that the place of my torment should be that of my
rest too for that night, and in the mean time had sent for the Master of
the Ship that was bound for _Barbadoes_, (having a part in her himself)
and inform’d him that he had a purchase for him; a young Lad which he
should take aboard, giving him an account how he came by him: it was all
one to the Master, he cared not what they were, provided strong and
healthy: _the Sea and Gallows refuse none_. The next morning I was
conveyed aboard; the Master knew me at first sight, and said to me, _Did
not I tell you, if you were worse than your promise I should meet with
you again?_ Truly Master, (said I) I did not forget what I promised, the
occasion of so long absence was only a desire I had to furnish my self
with some Commodities suitable to our Voyage; yesterday I was coming in
all hast to you, but that taking up some odd trifles by the way staid me
a while, but I’le assure you they cost me very dear. The damn’d
Dog-whipper that was with me, did cut what I was about to say in two,
resolving forsooth, to have his saying, telling the Master he need not
be asham’d to entertain me in his Ship, for to his knowledge I was no
less than a Lace-Merchant, and had had great quantity about me. The
Master dismissing the Fellow giving him a Tester for his care of me,
took me into his Custody; first carrying me into his Cabin to divert
himself with the relation of my Adventures; perceiving that the
rehearsal of but two or three gave him infinite satisfaction; I assumed
the boldness (being encouraged thereunto by his intreaty) to give him a
plenary relation, not only of what had lately past since my arrival at
_Barnstable_, but gave him a true and full account of all transactions
before I left the famous City of _Bristol_, the place which I am engaged
to for my Nativity.



                                CHAP. X.

_He is shipt for a Plantation. He gives an account of the Passengers
  aboard, relating what kind of Cattle they were, and discovers from
  their own mouths, things very observable, in some of their Lives and
  Conversations._


The soreness of my flead back had so taken me off my mettle, that for
three days, I did little more than eat and sleep; but hating thus to
truant away my life without acting or observation; I pull’d up a good
heart, resolving to make the best of a bad Market; the first thing I had
to do was to get my _Cargo_ aboard, not knowing how, or whom to trust. I
saw there was no way more feisable than to acquaint our Master herewith:
wherefore one Morning, seeing him enter his Cabin alone, I followed him
close at the heels, and falling presently on my knees, I begg’d him in
the most commiserating terms my invention would afford, that he would
not only be secret in what I should discover to him, but also be
assistant to me. _What, Sirrah_ (said he) _have you some new piece of
Roguery to act, and would you have me to be your accomplice in it?_ Far
be it from me, Sir, said I; the Fact is already done, and by what means
known: but the purchase none knows but myself where it is, wherefore all
that I desire is, that discovering the place, you will lend me your
assistance to bring it hither, Sir, it is a just thing I beg of you; I
have suffered the Law; and therefore it is mine; The very _Turks_
condemn that as lawful prize to the use of the theevish Slave, that can
carry it off (though but over the Threeshold) without being taken notice
of; so I hope, as I have been cleanly in my conveyance, so my punishment
will authorise and clear the purchase. Hearing me plead so notably and
pittying my condition, told me that none should be concerned in the
securing of my dear bought Goods but himself, and therefore commanded me
to tell him where they were; which accordingly I did, and he thereupon
immediately fetcht them, locking them up in his own custody, and
promising me, as soon as they were Landed, restitution; and that you
shall not suspect, Sirrah (said he) that I will embezel any of them, you
shall have an Inventory of them, which was thus: Imprimis _Six pair of
Worsted Stockins, one pair of Children Shoees, five clean Pipes, two
Blew Leather Points, one Pair of Boys Shoes, Two Brass Thimbles, one
Alchymy Spoon, one sawcer, one Knitting sheath and four Needles with it,
one old Womans pair of eyes, (Spectacles I mean) which I stole from her
Nose as she slept at her own dore, two Horn-books, the pillage of Two
Children going to School; besides Giggs, Bouling-stones, Marbles, and
Span-Bounters innumerable_.

As my Master was taking in writing an exact account of my Estate, I
thought he would have crackt a Gut by his excessive laughter; but when
that stitch-begetting-tickling humour would give him leave, he askt me,
what I intended to do with these commodities when I Landed? or what
Merchant I had advised withal in the proper transportation of these
Goods? _Or whether_ (said he, laughing aloudly) _have you received any
Letters of advice from your Correspondence beyond Sea_? He was not so
jocundly vain as I was really serious, which so increast his laughter,
that I was forc’d to exercise a great deal of patience, before I could
have liberty to return him suitable Answers to his Questions. At length
without the least alteration of my countenance I told him, that what I
had collected to my great cost and labour, I thought were as proper for
transportation to that place we were bound to, as I had consulted the
principal Merchants of _Europe_; for there is nothing said I in all my
Cargo but what is very useful, and that to all sorts of Persons, Sexes,
or Ages. For my stockins, Points, _&c._ will very well accommodate
either Male or Female; the Knitting-sheath and Thimbles, for the young
Wenches; the Spectacles, I guess, may serve any old Woman from
Threescore to an Hundred; the Horn-Books they may teach their Children
by, to read; and let me alone with the Gigs, Bowling-stones and Counters
to teach them to play, I mean, Sir, not to play with them, but for them,
and if I win (as I know I shall) their purchasing them again, shall be
my daily gain.

He seem very well pleased to hear me make such silly Propositions to my
self for my future advantage; but I propounded to my self greater
advantages, laid on a more solid Basis; and I did not fear my hopes
would wither, or prove ineffectual, since as I plainly perceiv’d, I had
my Masters love and countenance to cherish them. Being now dismist, I
walkt to and fro the Ship, making my self acquainted with the Sea-men,
my childishness conversing with their bruitishness, as cheerfully as
possibly I could, who seemed well pleased with me, though seldom pleased
with any thing else but store of strong liquors aboard, and a lusty
plump Wench ashore. From aloft, I got between Decks, and there I found a
many beastly fellow Travailers, Dog-like kennell’d, _higglede pigglede_
altogether; I was heartily welcom’d in amongst them, but I was much
troubled to see them so much more in years than my self, till looking
narrowly about me, I espyed a young Girl of about sixteen, as I judged.
_O Sister_, quoth I, as confidently, _I am glad to see you here, but
much more glad that I shall have your company in this Voyage_. The
Baggage at first seemed somewhat sullen and coy, but in two or three
dayes we grew so inwardly acquainted; that if I were aloft, ahead, or
abaft, or wheresoever, she would be at my elbow. One day asking her the
cause of being a Shipboard, She told me, her Father and Mother dyed when
she was but three years old, and left her to the tutelage of an Aunt,
whose cruelty increast towards her, as she increast in years, debarring
her even from that convenient sustenance that supports Life, so that she
was forced to steal her Belly-timber, or be half-starved. This
early-forward-fruit was well complexioned, and well featured, having a
good natural Genius, attended with an extraordinary boldness, both which
made me love this Cockatrice Whirligig, what shall I call her, and
became at last much delighted in her conversation. Singling her out one
day, we got upon the Poop together, where, after many childish
flurtings, she perceiving how inquisitive and desirous I was to know
what was the cause her Aunt was thus willing to part from her, by
sending her to _Barbadoes_; she very briskly told me, she would give me
the satisfaction required, and expecting she would have made a sigh to
the Prologue to her following Discourse, I found it otherwise, for she
smilingly thus began, to the same purpose, though not in the same words.

_My Aunt doth think she hath fully revenged her self of all the injuries
I have done her, by thus banishing me from her presence, and my Native
Countrey, to a place I never heard of, till I was doom’d to be an
Inhabitant therein; and glad I am that slavish sentence hath freed me
from a more cruel doom of living under the Tyrany of a principal_
Shee-Divel. _My Father dying, left me as I am inform’d an hundred pound,
which by my Mothers death soon after was almost doubled; my Aunt, before
her decease, had so insinuated into her easie nature, that she wheedled
her to let this Money lie in her hands for my use, promising my mother,
that if I lived to be of age, or marryed, I should have the sum intire,
without substracting a penny, under what pretence soever, and would
tender me as her own daughter: My Mother dying with the satisfaction of
my being well provided for, I was taken into the use of my Aunt, and for
a while was indifferently lookt after, going to school with her own Son
and Daughter. But some years being past over my head, I found my self
differenced from her Children, as much as might be, slighted, and
abused, and my Couzens often beaten for their too much familiarity with
me: and that which was worse, I was circumscribed of necessary
provision. Having alwayes a bold daring Spirit, I troubled my self as
little as I might, but made my wit and industry supply me, with what my
Aunt was defective in; neither was I the sole sufferer in this
affliction, the servants bearing a part with me, having no other
proportion at Meals, than what her niggardly hand made dividend of, not
making the meat conformable to our stomacks, but our stomacks to the
meat; having dined, she lockt up all fast: The servants did not half so
often grumble at her, as my Guts; and that she might know how
dissatisfyed they were, I went one day with an Hammer, and nailed up the
House of Office dore; she having an occasion to make use of it, could
not be admitted, but being in great haste, was glad to apply her self to
her own Bed-chamber, which I am sure she perfumed to the purpose. Coming
down in a great rage, she enquired into the cause of this odd project,
and who the authour should be. To be short, she was acquainted that it
was I, who being summoned to appear before her_; Huzzy, _said she_, was
it you that nailed up the Privy door? _I was forced to plead Guilty._
And what was the reason (Mrs. Ne’re be good) you did so? _Why truly
forsooth_ (quoth I) _you feed well and plentifully, and therefore Nature
might command and require you to give her easement; and to that purpose
you have in your Chamber a Close-stool; but we your servants, as we eat
little or nothing, so we seldom have occasion to go to that house, which
to us is altogether useless._ She knew not whether she were best be
angry, or pleased; but dissembling her passion, said, _well Huzif, if
you complain, you shall have less: the less you eat, the cleaner will be
your sheets_, and so left me. _Seeing her ultimate resolution was to
keep me short of Victuals; I resolved to try some means whereby I might
feed without her knowledge. Fortune favoured me so much, that one
afternoon going up into her Chamber, wherein stood a great Chest she
usually laid up her provision in, I saw the Key in it, which she by
forgetfulness had left behind: I presently stept to it, and opening the
Lid, found there a Turkey Pie, which I made so bold with, that I took as
much as would have served me three dayes, if I had eaten nothing else,
and that continually. I got me down the stairs with all possible speed,
to prevent discovery, and secure my Provant; I soon found a place for
that purpose, and having hid it, I began to consider what I had done,
and that my Aunt would soon know, who it was that frighted her Turkey
away, none else but me daring to be so bold; while I was deeply musing
with myself, our Cat came purring by me, as if she had been sent by my
good Angel, to be the Sacrifice that should free me from that punishment
that would inevitably attend this Crime; so taking her up in my arms, I
ran up into the Chamber, and having claw’d with my Nails the flesh, and
the Crust sufficiently, I committed poor Puss to answer for what I had
done. My Aunt a while after missing her Key, went hastily to her
Chamber, and seeing it in the Chest, condemned her own carelesness, and
looking thereinto to see whether all was well, the Cat bounc’d out into
her face; the suddain surprizal made her make a noise more discordant,
than if twenty Screetch-Owls had been in Consort. Being alarm’d at this
bellow, I was the first that got to my Aunt, and very inquisitive I was
of her to know, what was the matter._ Oh! _said she_ a scurvy Cat, I
negligently shut in the Chest, hath almost frighted me out of my wits,
besides what other mischief she hath done me. _But when she came to see
what work supposedly the Cat had done, I was in good hopes that my Aunt
would have taken a lodging in_ Bedlam.

                  *       *       *       *       *

_As I laid hold on all opportunities to fill my belly, so some I
studied;_ as for Example, _twice or thrice a week we had a baked
pudding; I bought me a little dish about the bigness of a Porringer, and
out of the Pan I would fill it, a fruitful Pudding to have always a
young one at the side on’t. The Dow which I commonly carried to the
Bake-house, never went home so much in the Loaf, for I seldom failed to
have a Cake out of it; both which I practised so long till my Aunt found
me out, and soundly bang’d me for so doing. For these, and such like
faults I was so often and so unmercifully beaten, that I was resolved to
be reveng’d on her. One day she being invited abroad, I was resolved to
be even with her at home in this manner, One pair of stairs she had a
stately Dining-room, wherein there was a Cup-board on which (being
spread with a very fine cloath) stood variety of all manner of curious
Glasses, such as she valued above her Plate, and took great delight in
them, being prouder of shewing those to her guests, than some are in
appearing in a fine new Gown to their Sweet-hearts. These I was resolved
should fall down to my revenge, and be crusht a pieces by the weight of
my indignation and fury; but before I would begin to act this doleful
Tragedy, I went, and made all things ready; that is to say, I took a
large Spannel that we had, and leading him to the Street dore, I ran out
into the middle of the Street, calling him after me; he followed me, and
I led him a dance so long, till he had dirtied himself sufficiently,
then going in adoors, I stole up softly the back-stairs, and the Dog
following me into the Dining-room; then did I take his feet, and make
them imprint the form thereof on the Cloth; having so done I pull’d the
cloth, and down came the Glasses to the Floor, and by the fall not one
of them escaped; this being done, I got into the next Room, and crept
underneath the Bed; the fall of the Glasses soon came to the Ears of
those that were below, who coming up, found none in the Room, but the
Dog, and seeing the print of his claws in the Cloth, ne’re examined the
matter farther, but to work they went with him, who wanting words to
justifie his innocence, escaped the punishment by flight; whilst they
pursued him, I stept down the stairs, without being known to have a hand
in the Plot, how my Aunt resented this sad accident, I will give those
leave to judge, that ever had the like loss._

_But this story I am about to tell you, succeeded not so well as the
former; for it fell to my own scurvy Lot, to be punished with that which
might have proved a piece of Revenge, though I intended no such matter,
and which was worse, detected me as the author of the former. Our Maids
being in the Fields, bleaching of Clothes, my Aunt commanded me to frie
some Tripes for her Dinner, which she had brought in from Market; I
laying them caresly upon the Dresser, whilst I was cleaning the
Frying-pan, our aforesaid Dog swallowed up one half of them at one
mouthful, without chewing them, and had near dispatcht the other half,
before I could come to the rescue of my Aunts Dinner; I hastily threw
down the Pan, which caused my Aunt to come running in, to see what was
the matter; she seeing me busily and eagerly imployed about the Dog,
stept back in a place covered from my sight, where she might both hear
and see. I basted him so long, holding him fast, that he disgorged one
parcel of the Tripes, which I taking up laid them on the Dresser_; come,
_said I, basting him the while_, this is not all you Thief; I must have
more yet; _the Dog, as if he had understood me, discharged himself of
the Theft, and I verily believe, did not detain one single mouthful
behind: so much for his honesty_. So, so, _said I_, ’tis well, get you
gone you Rogue, as long as you did as I did bid you, break my Aunts
cup-board of Glasses, I made much of you, but when you turn thief, and
steal, you must be beaten into better manners.

_My Aunt all this while was exercising her patience even to a miracle,
and would not speak a word, because she would see what I intended
farther. Hereupon I took my Tripes, and giving them a rench or two in a
pail of water, I dryed them, flowred them, and into the Pan they went,
and fell a frying them, with as much confidence as if they had had no
mischance befaln them. Being fryed with my sawce, and all other things
ready, I was going in haste to call my Aunt to Dinner, as she met me,
and seeming to take no notice, seats her self at the Table, and turning
one piece then another, then a third, she takes the Dish, and twirls it
round, saying_, they were not fryed to her mind, and that I did this on
purpose, that I might have them all my self, and so you shall, _said
she_ and that I may be sure you do not slight good victuals (being too
much Corn-fed) I will give you leave to sit down by me for once.

_I knew not what to say, which way to look, nor what to think, but
perceived by my Aunts eyes, which were all of a flame, that she had
discovered something that had highly offended her; I would have spoken
something but she interrupted me, saying familiarly, leave off talking
and eat your meat: I being somewhat backward, and she taking notice
thereof_; how now Mrs. Minks, (_said she_) is not that good enough for
you, which is too good for me? Huzif, I will have none of your
Dogs-leavings, and since you would not let him eat it, you shall eat it
for him your self; and then I shall talk a little further with you;
_Seeing there was no help, I did eate of the Tripe, at every other bit,
much good may do you, quoth she, eat heartily, and spare not. I chewed
it like him that was gnawing a piece of his own Boots; but down it must
go. When she thought I had eaten enough for that time, she fell upon me
in that manner, that I had much ado to keep that I had within me, which
I was resolved to do, lest she should make me fry it again to my
Supper._

_Having tired her self with beating me, she told me that this was not
for the breaking of her Glasses, she had another of another nature for
that, since she knew it was not a Dog, but a Bitch-Fox, that had done
her all that mischief. Whereupon she drove me up stairs before her, and
lockt me into a Room, till she had breath to talk further with me._

_I was ready to die with fear to think what she intended to do with me;
at nights approach she came to me with one of her Maids, and having
lockt the dore to them, they unstript me, and naked as ever I was born,
they tyed my hands to the Bed-post, and lasht me with Whipcord, till she
had made me all over of a gore blood. Her Son hearing by the Maid how
cruelly I was delt withal, adding further, that he wondred how his
Mother could be so hard hearted, as to tear my skin. Natural affection
enforced him to pity me, and that pity began to increase that affection,
which he hath had more than these two years for me; so that, as he
confest to me afterwards there was no greater trouble to him, then that
he could not condole with me in my affliction. Having been confined two
or three days to my Chamber, my Aunt was persuaded to make further tryal
of me, and if I proved not then answerable to her expectation, she would
for ever discard me. Upon these terms I was released, and found my
Couzen overjoyed that I was enlarged. He was somewhat younger than my
self, about fifteen years old, of an inclination very prone to love what
was youthful or beautiful; and finding me very flexible to entertain his
amorous propositions, followed me so close, that he obtained what he
desired._

‘Thus we continued some time together, and knowing how covetous his
Mother was, and not allowing him hardly any thing to spend, I studyed
how I might assist him in his expence abroad: I was one day in the Shop,
and looking into the Counter for something, I found a board at the end
of the Till, loose, which taking up, I could easily put in my hand, and
take out what Money I pleased; having now taken out the Board, I knew
not what to do; for I fastned it but very slenderly, neither could I do
otherwise, having no time to do what I would. Wherefore in the morning
early, before my Aunt was up, I got into the Shop, and with a small
Perser I boared a couple of holes quite through the end, and two sides
of the Box, and so with Wire I fastned it, to my hearts content, but not
so but I could loosen it again at my pleasure. My heart leapt to think,
how this project taking effect, neither I, nor my friend could want
Money at any time. Could I have concealed this to my self I would have
done it, and so supplyed (as I thought convenient) my Couzen with Money,
the more to engage his affection to me. But I was forc’t to tell him
thereof, (whom I knew as forward in any sort of wickedness as any body)
because he was continually in the Shop. Having given him an account of
my projection, I thought he would have been transported with joy, and
was restless, till he had made an experiment; which having done, and
finding my contrivance, an inexhaustible Mine to him, I thought he did
intend to lock me in his arms everlastingly. Now did our freedom daily
increase, and nothing obstructed them but want of liberty to enjoy them.
But, as what is violent, is seldom permanent; so must our delights have
an end, and so much the sooner, by how much they exceed in measure.
Being not satisfied with stealing a kiss, or so forth in the day time,
We pitcht upon a Night, when he should run the hazard of coming into his
Mothers Chamber where I lay in a Trundle-bed under her; and be with me
all night: He watcht his opportunity, staying up late, and I in
pursuance of the design, had left the chamber door open, and so our
desires were accomplisht. But now (a mischief on’t) we were so shackled
in the fetters of a lasting sleep, that notwithstanding my Aunt bawl’d
to me I know not how many times, it being late in the morning to rise
and look after her business, yet I made no answer; at last started out
of the Bed, and stepping to mine, to see if I were not dead, found her
Son inclosed in my Arms both fast asleep. But she awakened us so hastily
out of our sleeps, that we lookt like a couple of Bedlamites, and so
confounded with shame, that we had not a word to say. To be short, she
first resolv’d to turn me out of doors, not caring whether I went with
or without Cloaths; but then considering she should disparage her Son,
by shaming of me; concluded to send for the Master of the Vessel we now
are in, and after some discourse I was commanded to go with him, glad I
was to go any where to be out of her reach; her Son, hearing of my sad
sentence, would have followed me, but was interrupted; however
yesterday, attempting by the way I had found out to supply me with
Money, he was catcht in the act by his Mother, and sent immediately to
Prison, where I understand he is like to lie till we set Sail.’

I was so attentive in the hearing what she related befell her, that I
did eat her words as they fell from her. To retaliate her kindness, I
gave an account of what I had lately run through, at least wise, as much
as I thought convenient; and by this time the Seamen began to take
notice of our private conference, and by our familiarity they had seen,
gave their judgments openly, that they thought there would be a
_Westminster_ wedding between us, before we should arrive at our
intended Port. Hereupon we broke up School, and descended straight
between Decks, there we found our Comerades tongues all imployed like a
_Dover_-Court; I for my part was resolved to be silent, that I might the
better gather from them what they were, and what lewd things they had
acted upon the Stage of this world.

But how often did I be-Ass my Rogueship, calling my self ten thousand
Fools for having so good an opinion of my Rogueries, (thinking them no
other than the very quintessence of wit) when I heard them discourse of
what they had done, which they all did with more freedom, than a dying
man would confess his Sins to his Ghostly Father. And so they might very
well do; for being past all shame (_perit cui pudor periit_) and the Law
having past sentence on them, they could not suffer again for the same,
without a recommission.

The Wind coming about fair, and we all ready, command was given to weigh
the Ankor; just as it was a Peek, and our Fore-top-sail loose, and
seeing then that there was no help but that I must go, I fully purposed
to have leapt overboard (so attractive is our native Soil) had not the
consideration of my Estate aboard, with that of my Mis, which I must
leave behind, pulled me back.

Whilst I was thus ruminating with myself, we had spread all our Canvas,
the wind blowing fresh, we spoon’d away before it like an arrow out of a
bow. Coming into the Ocean, I found my self possest with a new Spirit,
and if there was ever any such thing as transmigration of Souls,
certainly it was at that time, some new drown’d Sea-mans Soul hovering
on the Deep, took up its habitation in my body, entring in at my mouth
as I gap’d for breath, which the swiftness of the Ships sailing, and
tossing of the Waves together, had almost totally deprived me of. I was
so nimble and so active, that if I saw any halling Sheets aft, or
hoising of Sail, would be sure to be with him; which our Master taking
special notice of, encouraged me therein, so far that venturing first
into the tops, I afterwards upon it grew so bold, that when occasion
required, I often helpt to furl a Sail, but being not my Crafts-Master,
being more bold than skilful, one day I was in the Main-top, and getting
astride the Yard-arm, (to make my self the better acquainted with it) I
dropt off into the Sea, and had we not been becalmed, I had been drowned
irrecoverably. Throwing me out a Rope, I got aboard, no more concerned
with the danger I escaped from, than if I had been that while asleep in
a Cabbin. My Master lookt on this accident as a certain Omen of my being
a Sea-man, and thereupon made me his Cabbin-boy promising me when I had
served him a time according to custom, he would advance me according to
my deligence and fidelity, as for my ingenuity he questioned not.

We had not been above a Month at Sea, but by imploying all the leasure
time I had among my Comrades, I had gained so intimate acquaintance, and
so perfect a knowledge of them, that I shall endeavour to give you a
Character of them; there was nineteen of them in all, besides my
Mistress, whose late Adventures I have given you an account of; and
therefore shall pass her by and only tell you what the rest were, but
first, what their Professions are.



                               CHAP. XI.

_An account and Character of such who went with me in our Voyage to a
  Plantation_, viz.


O_ne Broken Tradesman_, 2 _Jilts_, 1 _Pretended poor Captain._ 1
_Counterfeit Libertine Minister._ 1 _Soldier of Fortune._ 1 _New
Exchange Girl_, 2 _Button-makers_. 1 _Orange-Wench._ 3 _Crackt
Maid-servants._ 1 _Stockin-Mender._ 4 _Common Prostitutes._ One whereof
was a large _Folio_, two of them in _Octavo_, and one in _decimo sexto_,
all loose in Sheets, of the first Edition imprinted at _London_. I might
otherwise name the first a Ship of the first Rate, an unwieldy bulky
thing, which would require more men than a Kingdom can well spare to Man
her, old and leaky too, and must be pumpt every hour to keep her above
water. The other next two had been tight Friggots, and excellent
Sailers; but length of time had so decayed their Hulks, that they were
unfit for any thing but Fire ships; the last was a pretty Pinance, but
damag’d much in her Rigging, and would serve for an excellent Pikeroon
still, having been from her Cradle taught the Art of Land-Piracy. But to
begin first with my

                          _Broken Tradesman._

His Father lived in _Excester_ in very good fashion, being one of the
principal of the City; and though he had a very good Trade of his own,
yet he thought it very incompleat to that of _London_, and thither must
his Son be sent. A Confectioner for his Master was provided him; but he
had not been with him ten weeks before the Confectioner found that he
was half undone by this sweet tootht Gutling; nay he ingenuously confest
to me that his Pockets were continually cram’d with all sorts of Sweat
Meats, as Pomecitron, Orange and Lemmon Pill, Comfits of all sorts, or
what ever Confections, as were dryed; and his reason was for so doing,
lest being sent on an errand he should lose any time in the indulging
his Palate: he did not so much as go to Bed unfurnisht, sleeping with
some sweet thing or other in his Mouth, that he might dream of the rest.
His Master concluding that he should be absolutely undone if he kept him
much longer, sent for his Father, who coming up removed him from thence,
and placed him with a Vintner, knowing experimentally that those that
are sweet tootht, are seldom Drunkards. But the Gentleman could not make
so much haste to go out of town, as his Son did to be drunk; in seven
days that he was in this Tavern, he was but five hours perfectly sober.
It was well he made so much haste to show his Inclination that he might
not put his aged Father to the expence and trouble of another journey.
His Father seeing he could devour trade so fast, and lest some such
should swallow him up at last, resolved to put him to one he could not
eat, (yet one, too many have worn Thread-bare) a Salesman; he seemed
diligent enough till his Father was gone out of Town, and then wanting
what the Indulgence of a Father continually bestowed upon him, he one
morning early put on a very handsome Suit that fitted him, and taking
along a very good _Bruxels_ Chamblet Cloak (which he sold) away he
marcht into the Countrey, committing many _petit larcenies_ by the way,
resolving (if it should fall to his chance) to die as near his friends
as he could. At _Huntington_ he was apprehended for stealing a Silver
Tumbler, but being known by some Relations he had in the Town, the
business was husht up, and he sent home. His Father admired to see his
Son return so soon after him, askt him the reason thereof, who craftily
replyed, he could not live so far from his Parents. Though the old man
was troubled that his Son should disappoint his expectations, yet he
could not but shew himself a Dotard in acknowledging his Sons natural
affection therein.

At last it was concluded on, that he should follow his Fathers Trade of
Mercery, which my young man did, till his Fathers death, which was about
two years after, but how faithfully, I must leave to those Parents to
consider, who have brought their Children to shameful ends, and thereby
have blemisht the spotless Reputation of their Ancient Families, by not
endeavouring to hinder the excursions of such debaucheries, as proceed
from their known vicious constitutions. His Father leaving him his
House, Shop and Goods, he so apparel’d himself, and spent so largely, as
in the excess neither had the conquest. These, and his Extravagant
Courtship made him the whole Town-talk. He had not hours enough in eight
days to visit his Mistresses in a whole week, although he should address
himself to one every hour of the day. His Love was so general, that he
would have enjoy’d them all, but the Law bounding his boundless desires
to give himself that satisfaction, he is most prone unto, he was forc’d
to elect one; it was strange he could not choose one honest Woman out of
so many; for she matcht his Cock, she proving more inclinable to Venery,
then he to any other Vice. As he reacht to the possession of all or
none, so none at all could reach her full satisfaction.

The Marriage was but just consummated, and they hardly warm in each
others embraces, when he turned his poor Mother out of doors, bidding
her go live elsewhere upon her Thirds, for they would have no Overseers
in their house, nor such who should continually disturb their quiet with
the tedious Lectures of Crab-tree morality. The Candle is now lighted at
both ends, if he spent liberally with friends abroad, she had those at
home to spend with and upon; and that she might not come short of him;
if she had heard he spent a Crown, she would double it in her expence.
For one half year two Taylors had nothing else to do, but to make them
new Garments; and when they and their Friends were together in a Tavern,
all the Drawers in the house were little enough to tend them; so
inconsiderately generous, that a Poetaster who could never arrive at the
hight of a Ballad, presenting him with a hobbling non-sensical
_Epithalamium_, he caused my ragged Rimer uncase immediately, and
cloath’d him so, that he lookt rather like a gawdy Actor, than a Poet,
bestowing over and above five pieces, then in his Drunkenness he might
the more freely trumpet out his bounty. By these courses his Shop was
altogether neglected, and few Commodities vended, but what his Wifes
Paramours took upon an everlasting credit. Growing now weary of
_Excester_, and such vulgar Countrey delights, (as he was pleased to
call them) he furnisht his Pockets with store of Money (having converted
a round sum of Silver into Gold), away he rode for _London_; where being
come, he omitted not any time which he might imploy either in places of
pleasure or pastime. And being tired here too with the variety of his
delights; and finding withal not above twenty pieces left, he mounts his
Horse with an intention homewards but by the way, having some business,
(as a Wench to see or so) at _Malborough_ on the _Downs_, he was met
with, and robb’d, and with a cut or two (for he resisted) he made a
shift to get to the Town. He had behaved himself so loudly ill, that the
report came thither, and those that would in his Fathers life time have
trusted him with 500_l._ would not now trust him with so many farthings;
so that he was forc’d to sell his Horse, and go home on foot.

His Wife in the mean time had not been idle in her expences, rioting in
that shameful manner, that the whole Town cryed out shame on her: those
deserved reproaches they daily threw upon her, made her resolve to lay
hold on the opportunity of her Husbands absence and secure what she
could to her own peculiar use, and quit the Town; to that intent she
consulted with her chiefest favourite, (and by the way take notice there
is no Whore so notoriously common, but she keeps one whom she loves
above all others, that shall take the freedom to beat her, abuse her,
strip her sometimes when his Pimp-ship is in the humour, and will
infallibly spend what ’ere she gets if she intends to keep her Flesh and
Bones from being under the Chirurgeons hands) I say consulting him, he
advised by all means to take some speedy course for her
self-preservation, it is an instinct infused into the natures of
irrationals; and therefore certainly man cannot be without. He needed
not use any arguments to perswade her to that she was already resolved
to put in execution; and therefore she only desired him to know how she
should secure the Goods in the Shop. _Let that alone to me_, said he, _I
will take that charge upon me_; and that he might charm her into a
consent, they talkt that in private, which the colour of their Faces
publickly discovered.

The night appointed being come, for the perfecting what they had
propounded, the Gallant was ready punctually at his hour with three or
four Porters, by the help of whom he quickly removed all the choice
Goods or any that were worth Porterage to a place appointed. Having so
done, he advised her to secure what Money and Plate there was in the
House; this was done so silently, that the Servants of the House were
not awakened by any noise they made; there was not so much Money and
Plate but it was portable enough between them; having thus contributed
to the robbing herself, away she trudges with her friend to another
place, than where he had sent the Goods; and having provided an Horse
before for that purpose, in the morning early away they rode to
_Plimouth_, about thirty miles distant, where having lodg’d her, and
promising to return speedily, takes a good quantity of Money with him,
and was never by her heard of after.

Her Husband coming home, and finding all things in this condition, was
about to hang himself, (and so he might, for few loved him so well as to
hinder him from it, especially now seeing there was no more good to be
done with him) but comforting himself, that his House was still left
standing, he grieved very little; for he was so little acquainted
hitherto with grief, that he knew not what it was. He had not rested in
it above one night, but he sold it, and what Goods remain’d, and it was
not two hours after before he was arrested, and so forced to part with
above three parts of what the Sale had brought him in, to discharge the
Debts he owed in that City. It was not long after that all was gone, and
in that juncture of time, his Wife returned with hardly a rag to cover
that nakedness, she had so often lasciviously exposed to view. What
became of her afterwards, I know not; but he to shun the daily flouts
and insupportable slightings of his Relations and _Quondam_ Friends,
footed it for _Barnstable_, and rather than through despair destroy
himself at home, he would try his fortunes by labouring in another
Countrey. The next Persons I am to treat of, are a Couple of

                                _Jilts_.

Fellows that must run through a many other faculties of an inferiour
Class, before they can attain to the true knowledge of this profound
Mystery; and having obtain’d this, they commence Master of Arts; which
Arts are divided into that of High-Padding, Low-Padding, Cloy-Filing,
Bung-Nipping, Prancers Prigging, Duds-Lifting, Rhum-Napping,
Cove-Cuffing, Mort-Trapping, Stamp-Flashing, Ken-Milling, Jerk the
Naskin, with many more of the quality.

Such were these two Jilts, who had they staid longer in _London_,
instead of taking shipping here, they would have taken Shippen at
_Newgate_, and Sailed up _Holbourn_, and passing by the dangerous Rocks
of St. _Giles’s_ would irrecoverably have been cast away at _Tiburn_.

I did not find by their discourse any great matter of ingenuity, having
not wit enough to practice any thing of their own designing; they were
old seasoned Rogues; and were content to tread in the same old Paths
their Predecessors had trod in before, without making any new discovery.
And therefore I shall give you an account only, that not daring to stay
longer in _London_, they were constrained to betake themselves to the
Countrey. The week before the Sizes they came to _Excester_, setting up
their Horses at an Inn, they presently (not to lose time) walkt to see
the City, and under that pretence to try what advantages they could make
therein, went into several Taverns, and where they could not get civily
into company they thought they might bubble, they rudely intruded, and
had like to have been soundly basted for their pains; they found that
Gaming would not suit their purpose in that precise place; therefore the
next day they resolved to experience what Jilting would do; and that
they might carry on their design with the less suspition, they bespoke a
Dish or two of Meat for Dinner in a Tavern, inviting the man of the
House and his Wife to eat with them, they called freely for Wine, and
drank pretty smartly; at length they were left alone, one of them steps
up the stairs, and gets into the Vintners Lodging Room, where seeing a
large Trunk, he attempts to open it with his Pick-lock, (which they have
of all sorts and sises from a Street Door to a Cabinet) being too long a
fumbling about his business, the Vintner came up to his Comrade the mean
time, and asking where his Friend was; the other replyed he was gone up
to the House of Office; _Nay, that cannot be_, replyed he, _for it is
below in the Yard_ and thereupon (his heart mis-giving him) he ran up
hastily the stairs, and looking back saw him that he left below at the
stair-head ready to go down, and the other that was above coming out of
his Chamber, not knowing how to seize them both, he cryed out, _stop the
Thief that is coming down_, and in the mean time clos’d in with him that
was above and struggling with him, he was forc’d to quit an Hundred
Pound-Bagg, that the Jilt had got under his Arm, which made the Vintner
then more eager to secure him: in short, they were both secured and
carried before a Justice; there needed no other evidence to convict
them, than a great bunch of those Pick-locks found about them. Upon this
they were committed, and that very Sizes (having miraculously before
escaped buzzing in the fist) both sentenced to be Transported.

Now give me leave to give you an account (if it be possible) of one that
is every thing, yet nothing. By his Garb, both a Gentleman, and a
Soldier too, and such an one is this

                      _Pretended (poor) Captain_.

His Ancestors by the Fathers side in a continued Line to him, have been
well known to be remarkable Beggars some Centuries; I know not, but that
they may draw their Original from King _Fergus_, or some other great
_Irish Prince_; for to this day the meaner sort of the Natives of
_Ireland_ had rather see their Children beg, than be mechanically
imployed, by following some honest Trade, or Occupation. And that is the
reason that so many serving-men, swarm from the middle and meaner sort
of them, learning to cringe when they are young, that they may beg, with
the better grace when they are old. His Grand-Father by an unhappy, or
happy accident, when he was a Child, fell into the Fire, and so scorcht
his face, that had you seen it, you would sworn it had been a young
scorcht Devils-head half roasted; I say by that advantage, (which others
would call a disadvantage) when he came to be of years, removing where
he was not known, he gained daily by begging considerably, pretending
that disaster came by powder, as he was couragiously fighting in the
famous Battel of _Lepanto_; and which to confirm the belief, he had lost
a Leg by a confounded Ulcer, which he pretended he lost by a Cannon
shot, at the same time. By which means he had got sufficiently to have
maintained his Son not in idle courses, if he had had the Grace to have
rightly used it; but he coming of Age, spent that in a Month, which his
Father had got in twenty scorching Summers, and as many cold benumming
Winters, scorning to degenerate from the Ancient practice of his
Predecessors; and like a Crafts-master, purchased a Seamans old suit of
Apparel, with his Red Cap, and had so rolled himself in Pitch, that he
might have served a whole City for a general Antidote in a Contagion. He
begg’d up and down the Countrey, (pretending to go home,) under the
notion of being cast away, and had lost all; and therefore desired the
Charity of well minded People, that it might be a means to carry him to
his friends and acquaintance. He had learn’d Sea-termes of Art, and
applyed them very well in all his wonderful relations. Coming to his
Quarters at night, after two or three deep fetcht sighs, he would in
general complain of his hard fortune, giving some small hints of what
considerable sums he lost this last Ship-wrack; then as if he corrected
himself for so doing in the discovery of his misery, he would say,
_well, it is but a madness and a great folly to grumble at the hand of
Providence. We must submit to Dispensations._ These sad Notes coming
from his Religious Organ-pipe, sounded so lowdly in the ears of his
Landlady, that she tuned them so among the Neighbourhood, that the room
wherein he was, fill’d presently.

He had an excellent faculty in telling a doleful story, and would Limn
the horrour of Ship-wrack so to the Life, that the womens eyes about him
dropt as fast as Water out of a Cullender; after this fell a showre of
two pences, single pence, half pence, _&c._ By this subtlety he never
wanted Mony, Victuals, strong Drink, nor good Lodging. And by the help
of a good Memory as I am informed he travailed in and about _England_,
begging in this manner, nine years, and never came in to a Town twice.

                  *       *       *       *       *

Our poor Captain the Son of this maunding Seaman, (that never saw the
Ocean, and therefore could hardly be otherwise Ship-wract, than against
a Whipping-post, or the Gallows) had another Spirit, whose Soul had
neither communication with, nor relation to the meanness of his Fathers;
for from his Childhood he begg’d as the Orphan of a wealthy Merchant,
whose Estate was embezel’d by the avarice of his Guardian, and since
lavishly spent by the profuse prodigality of his Son, since dead. That
now having neither Parents nor Friends left living, he was exposed to
this miserable way of craving the benevolence of the charitable. He made
a shift to live after this manner till he was fifteen years of Age; but
the People noting him to be a lusty Lad, threatned if he would not work,
to send him to _Bridewel_; that word so startled him, that he was
absolutely frighted out of that begging humour. Hearing at that instant
the Drums beat for Voluntiers in some forreign expedition, he listed
himself, and instead of Advance Mony, had Shoos, Stockins, Hat, and
Coat, Sword and Belt, with what else was requisite for a Soldier. And
now he shewed clearly what blood he had in him, and that his Mother had
the greatest share in his Generation. For when she was in her Ale, (as
she often would be) she never gloried nor boasted of any thing more,
then that her Husband was a Soldier at _Tilbury_ Camp, and that losing
his Thumb by firing his own Musquet, her Majesty gave him a Pension of a
maimed Soldier, that if he begg’d after-wards, it was no disgrace, being
so miserably disenabled from working.

                  *       *       *       *       *

This Sprightly young Soldier, being thus accoutred beyond his own or any
bodies expectation else, ramm’d in the Stones of the Street by his
strutting to some purpose, leaving not any place of the City unvisited,
that he might shew his Gallantry, especially such places he before had
begg’d in. You could not have affronted him worse, than to call him by
what name his Mother gave him, (for I question, whether he was
christian’d) and would be as ready to draw to vindicate his Honour. But
the Wind serving fair, and all things ready, setting sail, they arrived
in safety at their Port. What service he did in that expedition, I could
not gather from him, (undoubtedly it was his modesty that hindred him,
rather desiring to have some other Mouth to proclaim his worth than his
own) but this he confest, that his often hiding himself when any Party
was commanded to march out of the Garrison, occasioned his Officers to
tie him so often Neck and Heels, that he thought he should go double as
long as he lived, and that his Breech was grown stupidly sensless by
often riding the wooden Horse. However, he was constrained to tarry here
six years; but at length he grew so tired with watching once in four
dayes, and so scar’d with the dangers the frequent Alarms acquainted his
ears with, once in six weeks at least, that he resolved rather to
venture a hanging by his own fellow Soldiers, than run the hazard of
being shot by his enemies; and so watching his opportunity, got into a
Vessel bound for _England_, and came away, not affording those he left
behind, so much as a farewel; but being far enough off the Shore, cryed
out aloud, _Harm watch, Harm catch_. Landing at _Plimouth_, he bought
him an ordinary red Scarf, and made it into a Sling to carry his hand
in, which had as many Plaisters on it, as are used in an Hospital a
week, sowing it to his Shoulder, and tying a large bow knot on it; with
a Sword by his side, and a laced Hat, that he had purchased at second
hand, he walk’d the Streets, and had the impudence to address himself to
the Governour of the Town, in this, or the like manner.

_Although I have not the Honour to be acquainted with you, Great Sir, in
whose Person dwells (as I hear) all the Virtue and Valour of slain_
English Heroes, _by a Transmigration; yet I am not unknown to the_
African _part of the Macrocosme, where my single Sword hath eaten its
way through thousands, and hath afterwards drank it self into a surfeit,
with the blood of those Hell-dyed Infidels. My forward valour soon
rewarded my unknown Worth, and for no other reason, than I thought fit
to command the Destinies, having so great a power over Life and Death, I
was made a Captain. At first, the great care I had to preserve my own,
made me expose my self as their Target, to guard them from their enemies
Arrows, so that in one Battel, (wherein there was threescore thousand
men of the adverse party, there was but three hundred of them escap’d
with life to inform their friends of their Countreys loss,) I say, in
that barbarous conflict I return’d home, as thick stuck with Arrows, as
a porcupine with Quills; afterwards my Name served to fright the Rogues,
without fighting a stroak. But the long absence from my own Countrey,
possest me with so great a desire of seeing that blessed Soil, that gave
me breath, I resolved to acquit my Command, and happy in this
opportunity of tendring my Person and Services at the feet of a Soul so
magnanimous as your self._

Having finished his Formal bumbastical hyperbolical Speech, the Governor
was at a stand, what to do with this mighty _Garagantua_, having almost
disenabled his tongue from speaking, by biting it e’ne through, to
contein himself from laughing out right; but considering with himself,
promised him at last, that he would Muster him in his own Company for
the present, till he could find out something more suitable to his worth
and quality, and for the present gave him some Money, which our Captain,
getting drunk with all that night in the Company of some Officers into
which he had intruded himself, and taking the liberty of undervaluing
some of them in his prodigious cracking, was soundly kick’t for all his
lame hand. But such was the Fortune of War, that our Captain had not
trailed a Pike above a Month, before he stole a Chamber-Pot, two
Quart-pots, Flaggons, with some other Pewter, and sold them at another
Ale-house in the Town; with the Money he got drunk, and coming home to
his Quarters, his Landlady taxing him with the Theft, made no more ado,
but first abusing him in all the most opprobrius terms that a Whore
could invent, that had served three seven years Apprentiships to a
_Billingsgate_ Fish-woman, he then manfully beat her, and in that
manner, that she was forc’d to cry out Murder. Neighbours coming in,
seiz’d my valiant Captain, and in that pickle he was in, carried him
before the Governour, who on seeing him in that drunken condition, sent
him to the Mainguard, where he lay all that night as round as a Ball.
The next Morning he was tryed by a Council of War, and finding him a
Counterfeit, and that he was nothing but a commixt piece of Debauchery
and Villany, condemned him to run the Gauntlet, which he did on the
_Hoe_ of _Plimouth_, through his own Company, and another drawn up
thither for that purpose; and afterward at the old Town-gate, had his
Sword broken over his head, and so cashier’d.

This usuage was enough to make any one hate to be a Soldier as it did
him, for he resolv’d to settle to his Trade, yet he liked very well the
name of Captain, and getting far enough off from his disgracing place;
he so shaped his design, that he questioned not but that this Title
would be very advantagious: and to make a tryal how it would prove, he
applyed himself to a Gentlemans house, (at that time when Loyalty to our
Lawful Prince was accounted Treason against the Common-wealth) and
understanding by inquiry the name of the Person, and that he was a
strong Cavilier, (as they then call’d them) and a great lover of all
such, and knock’d at the door, and ask’d to speak with the master of the
House, naming him, he being informed therewith readily came, and my
Captain was as ready himself thus, in a low voice, to address


_Sir, Report renders you a lover of your King, and such as have suffered
for his Sacred Majesties sake. My Father was a Colonel, and his Loyalty
he could not better express than by dying in his Majesties Service at_
Edge-hill; _to revenge my Fathers death, and shew that I had the same
blood running in my Veins, I have not only ventured my Youth upon any
hazard, the boldest Cavalier ever yet attempted, but since, I have had
my Estate sequestred too, and dare not own my name._


This Forgery took so good effect, that it produced him forty shillings,
with directions to go to another Gentleman of the like Principles, about
ten miles distance; where addressing himself in the same or like terms,
the pretence took effect there too. Now did he buy himself a Sword, and
getting a white Cap on his Head, pretended himself sick too, as well as
maimed; by which means he pickt up a great deal of money; the Rogue was
grown so Covetous, and was resolved not to lose his labour where ever he
came; if he had not any money given him, he would infallibly steal
something in lieu thereof. Coming at length to the house of a person of
Quality, he addrest himself there as he had done else-where, the Knight
after he had given him money, commanded some of his Servants to carry
him into the Buttery; they knowing by the respects their Master shewed
him, he must be a Royalist, drank a Health to the King, and by degrees
to each of the Royal Progeny, not leaving out some of the Nobility, that
had been most eminently serviceable to the King, and by that time there
was none (not exempting the Butler) but had his dose; my Captain taking
the advantage of their disordered senses, was not contented with a Bowl,
but pickt up a silver Salt too, which one more sober than the rest
observing, let him go out of the Gate before he apprehended him; and
seeing that he was resolved to march off with them, seized him, and drew
him back again into the Court-yard, where demanding from him what he had
stoln, the Captain denyed the Fact, with many bitter imprecations, which
gathered the Servants about him, who searching him found the theft, who
if their Master had not interposed, they would have knockt this Imposter
in the head. He knew that the Law would punish him sufficiently, and
being a Justice of Peace, caused his Clerk to write his _Mittimus_, and
so was sent to _Exeter_-Gaol, where he continued till Sizes, and then
received the same Sentence, that had past upon the Jilts before.

Now since I have described one counterfeit that abused and robb’d the
Countrey, under the pretence of Loyalty; give me leave to Characterize
another counterfeit (the worst of the two) who under the Cloak of
Religion hid his debaucheries, whilst he deceived and deluded the
ignorant, especially the Female Sex, with his lowd, long, and
impertinent Praying, and false Doctrine, and that was the

                   _Counterfeit Libertine Minister_.

It is no wonder that he lived (as we do still) in a staggering age, for
the fall of _Adam_, broke the bones of his Children, and crippled his
posterity, so that we are both blind in our Judgments, and lame in our
Practises. At first he was made perfect, which was intimated by being
brought into the world naked, to signifie that the great Former of all
things was not ashamed of his Workmanship; but when the Devil sent
erroneous Tenents, attended with damned Practices into the world, he
advised the Brochers and Professors thereof to cover their deformity,
with the Mouth of tenderness of Conscience; but were their skins are as
tough as their Consciences, and their Flesh as hard as their Hearts,
they would be both Ax and Halter-proof; they might laugh at the Block,
and defie the Gallows.

This religious _Proteus_, this _Heteroclite_ in Divinity, (for he was
deficient in what he ought to do, or believe, and redundant in what he
ought not,) when he first appeared in a Tub, or a thing like a Pulpit,
he was, (as he acknowledged) like _Æsop’s_ Jay, in a dress of borrowed
Feathers, preaching the Works of other men, which must needs be the
worse for coming out of his defiled Mouth, as a Shirt worn by a polluted
Body. He mangled the modern Divines more barbarously, than an
Executioner a Traytors Body; not forbearing to give old _Priscian_ a
knock on the bald Crown. The height of his Eloquence consisted in
railing against Popery, calling Episcopacy the Sister of the Whore of
_Babylon_, running on in his Preachment like a mad-Dog, foaming and
open-mouth’d, yelping at the Honourable Clergy in general, and biting
his Brethren the Sectaries, whom he would have his Auditory believe are
as mad as himself; but having run himself out of Breath, what a humming,
and a spitting there was, and by the blowing his Nose, made many a
filthy Parenthesis; having concluded his Sermon, he Prayed, shutting his
eyes, and would rather utter non-sence, and tautologis, than use any
studied Form. All being finished, he steals out demurely out of the
Meeting-house with his Sword by his side (a Captain and an Independent)
and though he neither obeyed Christs Commission, or wore his Livery, yet
would be accounted one of his Menial Servants. Being got out, one would
thank him for the great pains he took; another invited him to Dinner; a
third, a fourth, fifth, letting them all alone till the tenth made his
proffer: at last, where he thought he should have the best
entertainment, there he would express the acceptance of the proffer. He
could not go amiss for his Supper; and to retaliate their kindness,
before the Cloth was laid, he would bestow on them a sleeping Prayer of
an hour and half, most commonly proportioning the time to that of
Supper-dressing. Certainly his design therein was like the Scribes and
Pharisees, who had never been condemned for long Prayers, had they not
been used as so many Graces before their cursed Meals of Orphans
Estates, and Widows Houses. He endeavoured to make his interest good
among the Females, knowing how prevalently powerful they are commonly
over their Husbands Inclinations, which he practised with so much craft
and cunning; first possessing them strongly with a good esteem of his
Holy Life and Conversation, that they verily believed one word of his
would either Saint them or Reprobate them, when he pleased; which he
perceiving, resolved to play the Gypsy with them, telling good fortunes
to none, but such as crost his hand with a piece of Silver; that is to
say, in private Meetings and Conferences, having occasion to speak of
such, and such, it lay in his power then to say that such a one to his
knowledge is a precious Saint, a constant hearer of the word, having an
excellent gift in Prayer, or such a one is lately fallen, she is started
aside into the by-paths of Sin and Iniquity, _&c._ So that you see by
Him, as well as by the Pope, the People might be canoniz’d for Money.

But imagining this Faction was not so powerful, nor encouraging as the
_Anabaptists_; and finding that the fading Gourds of his foolish hopes
and expectations of preferment began to wither; he in downright terms
fell about telling his Congregation, they must be Re-baptized, or they
must not hope for Salvation. He was amongst the _Anabaptists_ so long,
till (notwithstanding he was so highly cryed up for his powerful
teaching,) he had got seven young Sisters with Child in less than a
year, and it was shrudely suspected that he had made four of his
Brethren Cuckolds. Therefore he was by the voice of the whole
Congregation excommunicated, and delivered unto Satan. His hand being
now in, he was resolved to try all, till he might advance himself by
one. So that he might not be beholding to any. In this juncture the good
old Religion so long raked up in the dust, began to shew its heavenly
countenance again, whose glorious light these Owls and Batts durst not
look upon.

It is observed, that it hath been the fashion to wear yellow Ruffs; but
after one Mrs. _Turner_, a notoriously wicked Woman, was hang’d with one
of them about her neck, that Mode not only vanisht, but became
shamefully ridiculous; So this our Hypocrite seeing so many of his
Brethren (who had poysoned more with their Doctrines, than Mrs. _Turner_
with her Potions) go to the Gallows wearing the Liveries of a Sectarian,
thought it more eligible to turn Cat in the Pan, and become an _A la
mode_ Episcopalian, than let the fowl Fiend play the Hobgoblin with him,
as he had done many, tumbling such in the Mire, who lately sat in the
Saddle, tossing others till their necks were broken, and crippling
others both in their Estates and Opinions.

           _Down with all such, let them no longer stand,
           Base_ Caterpillars _that consum’d the_ Land,
           _Who rent the Common-prayer-book and Lawn-sleeves,
           And made the_ house of God a den of Theeves,
           _And may the Sacred Pulpit e’re be free,
           From such_ Quack-salvers _in_ Divinity.

Every one knowing how great a Changling this fellow was in Religion, no
body believed a word that he said; nor would either trust or imploy him
upon any account whatsoever; so that he was necessitated to take this
course, or do worse, by adding one more to the number of _Barbadoes_
Inhabitants; neither did he want a Volunteer abroad, upon the same
design, a lusty young sprightly fellow, a Man both of wit and courage,
though of slender Fortunes, and calls himself,

                        _A Souldier of Fortune_.

He was well born, and gentilely educated, who lived in a pamper’d
condition till the age of seventeen; at which time his Father dying, the
Estate fell to the Elder Brother, who mounting into his Fathers (yet
warm) seat, could not conceal his _Turkish_ cruel disposition against
his Brethren; yet though the Law held his hands from cutting off their
Heads, his austere countenance, and severe carriage towards them, did
notwithstanding cut off their hopes from ever expecting more than barely
what their Father left them in Money. Two hundred Pounds was this
Gentlemans Portion, who returning it to _London_, soon followed after,
where equipping himself suitable to the _Grandeur_ of the Place, and
Gallantry of the Persons he came acquainted with; he spent his time in
things so agreeable to his constitution, that his thoughts never climb’d
any other Heaven, than this his imaginary one, which he wisht might ever
continue. He scattered his Money apace, and how could he otherwise; for
his Exchange was a Tavern, his Lodging a Brothel; his _Hide-park_, a
Gaming Ordinary, his Study, a Play-house; his Associates, Bully Ruffins;
his Mistresses, Courtezana’s; had his constant attendants, Pimps,
Parasites, Spongers, Wheedlers, and such like. The Devil’s in them all,
if one was not enough to impoverish a Mint, or drain a Silver-mine,
though it reacht to the Centre of the Earth.

                  *       *       *       *       *

By this you may imagine his two hundred Pounds could not last long; his
Hangers on perceiving his Money was at the last gasp, fell off, being
loath to see so dear a friend depart. He was now left Moneyless, and
Friendless, and, what came nearest his heart, he was jeared, and flouted
by such he had formerly liberally expended on. As he past the streets,
he hath heard his old Comrades say one to the other: _There goes such a
one, shall we call him, and drink a Glass of Wine together? No, no, let
him go, pox on him: he hath not a Penny in his Pocket to bless himself
withall; he had Money once, but like a Fool, he could not keep it_;
which made him often repeat this true saying of the Poet;

               _Non habet infœlix paupertas durius in se
               Quam quod ridiculos homines facit——_

Were it not for that, Poverty is a property we might pride in; nor would
the Philosopher voluntarily have Shipwrakt his Fortunes, but that he
might purchase thereby that glorious Motto; _Omnia mea mecum porto_.
_Dioclesian_ so great an Emperor, that _Lætus_ parallels him with
_Jupiter_; nay, he allow’d himself to be call’d Lord, and God, and would
be sued unto, as a God; but having at last tryed sufficiently the vanity
of his own vain-glory, he freely without compulsion, laid aside his
Empire, and returned to a private life; being sollicited afterwards by
several to resume his former Power, and Glory, he absolutely refus’d it,
saying, _Did you see the Herbs set with my own hands in my Garden at_
Salona, _you would think me too good a Gardner, to become a miserable
Emperour_.

                  *       *       *       *       *

There was nothing grated on his Spirit more than to be slighted in this
his low condition, by such as he had supported from sinking into the
Earth: and that he might not longer be afflicted in this manner, he
projected several wayes, how might imploy himself in something, that
might remove him from the scorn and reproach of the world. His credit
was quite worn out, owing something in all the Taverns and Ale-houses
that he was acquainted withal, through the whole City, and would have
ran farther in their Debt, but that they not only hindred him from so
doing, but likewise threatned him, by taking a course for what he owed
already. This made him remove his Quarters to another remote quarter of
the City. His Cloaths were so good as that they gained him credit for a
Months Lodging and Dyet, in which time, he wrote several Ballads, which
he sold in the _Old Bailey_, getting for the worst half a Crown or three
shillings; but his Chapmen finding themselves losers by his works, did
so revile and vilifie him the next time they saw him, that he was
resolved to write no more, for it seems he had not writ Non-sense enough
to please the Commonalty; he had taken too much pains to express his
wit, and that spoiled all; soaring so high, the dim sighted vulgar could
not discern him.

                  *       *       *       *       *

One day walking abroad Melancholy to think his first design was
frustrated, he fell accidentally into the company of four or five, so
unsuitably or antickly habited, that he verily thought they could not
have cloathed themselves more out of fashion, than if for so doing, they
had consulted all the Brokers in _Long-lane_, or _Houns-ditch_. At
length by their toning of several scraps of Plays, and the whining out
of Lovers parts, he judged them to be Players of the worst Edition, and
that wanting some to compleat their number, they endeavoured to perswade
him to make one of their Stroling Company.

They needed not many words to perswade one, that knew not what to do
with himself; wherefore, he readily consented to their propositions.
Viewing them well, and their Habits, he absolutely concluded, that their
Company had been lately broken, and that they had shared
house-hold-stuff, every one taking what he could lay his hands on of the
Properties, (though very improper to wear publickly) with which,
necessity since hath forc’d them to cover their own nakedness. However,
he was resolv’d to go through, with what he promised, and so calling for
what was to pay, being one and twenty pence among them all, they made a
hard shift to pay the shot within three half-pence, and so marcht off.
They provided him a lodging, where they all lay that night, and the next
morning, their undertaker came, who summoning them all into a large
Room, there appeared also three or four Women, who with the rest
rehearsed their parts in _Actæon_ and _Diana_. After rehersal the
undertaker being informed what our _Soldier of Fortune_ was, came and
saluted him kindly, and welcom’d him into their Society, and giving him
his part to study, carried him to the Tavern, with some of the
three-quarter-sharers, and made him drunk at his initiation.

                  *       *       *       *       *

Having studied _Actæon_ and _Diana_, _Jack Swabber_, _Simkin in the
Chest_, _Miles the Miller_, _Simpleton the Smith_, with divers other
drolling farces, away they strolled into the Countrey, some in a Coach
(by reason of the Properties they carried with them,) others on Foot of
the meaner sort, and some on Horseback; had the most intelligent met
them, it would have puzzled him to have told what they were. The first
thing they did when they came to a Town, was to acquaint the Mayor
thereof with their intent, producing their Patent which authoriz’d them.
Having the grant of the Mayor, most commonly they were permitted the
Town-Hall to play in. At first, commonly they had usually such great
audiences, and got so much Money, that it undid them, for it made them
insolent, idle, careless, always drunk and continually quarrelling, so
that the Town and Countrey growing weary of them, their poverty also
made them weary of the Town. The next place they came at, it may be,
there they would endeavour to regulate those disorders; but no sooner
were they flusht, but they fell into the like confused Chaos. There was
seldom a Rehearsal in the morning, in which there was not some scuffle;
sometimes altogether by the ears, all engaged in a Quarrel, but none
knowing the cause of it. Their differences most commonly did arise from
ones exalting his own worth, by the undervaluing anothers, saying that
such a one had a greater share than he, though he deserved more; that
such a fellow had a noble part, when he had that of a Servant, whereas
he better merited to be a Prince, than the other a Foot-Boy; _Damn me_,
said another, that Fellow that speaks now hath no Soul; a Parrot would
be taught to speak better, and understand more than he; a Baboon treads
a Stage a thousand degrees beyond him; See but yonder Horse-fac’d Lover,
is he fit to act that part with that hunting face of his? it is enough
without the help of a Vizard to fright his Mistress into Convulsion
fits, or make a young Woman miscarry, that hath not half gone her time.
If reviling one another would not put them together by the ears, there
was another expedient would infallibly do it. There was one well
stricken in years, yet far more amorous or salacious than the younger,
and when she found not her accustomed pleasures, she judg’d that one of
those three, had stoll them from her; when jealousie had possest her of
that Opinion, she ne’re capitulated with them otherwise, than with her
hands, which she used so nimbly together with the nails, that had not
black Patches been in Fashion, I know not how without shame they could
have played. The Men on the other side, being known Rivals to one
another, could not forbear shewing their animosities, (as their parts
permitted them) one being run into the hand, another through the Arm,
making a real Tragedy of what was but pretended. Their Stock of Clothes
was very small so that a Parson was forc’d to Act in a Loyars Gown,
instead of one that was Canonical; a Bishop, with a Shepherds Crook,
instead of a Crozier, and a Cushion so dented, that the Corners might be
more perspicuous, instead of a Miter; they wanted a Target, and knew not
what to do, at last, the invention of one of the wittiest, helpt them to
a large Wooden Tray, and nailing a piece of Tape to the sides within,
served rarely well. The Actors were few, wherefore some Acted three or
four parts, nay one Acted two parts at once upon the Stage, the King,
and the Nobleman; when as a Nobleman in a long mourning Cloak, (for they
could get nothing else, that could nearer represent him by) he spake to
an _Indian_ Gown that lay in a Chair, with a Past-board Crown that lay
upon it, all bedawbed with yellow, (and I know not what Colours) by a
Countrey Sign-Painter, to make it look like. Having ended his Speech, he
threw off the long Cloak, and putting on the Crown and Gown, he then as
a King returned an answer to the Cloak, I mean the Nobleman, making a
many changes, till the conference was over. The Nobleman _i. e._ the
Cloak, being taken off the Stage, that is, having made his _exit_, it
was the Kings Cue to seat himself a while, to give audience to a person,
that had great concerns with his Majesty, whole Speech being long and
his memory treacherous, he had not gone a quarter through his Speech,
but that he was irrecoverably out, past all prompting; the King not
knowing how to help, and the audience eagerly expecting his going on, at
last it came into his head, ingenuously to tell him that he had heard
enough, he would hear the rest within, by which means the Play went on.

One Market-day, (which was the chief time they pitcht on) they Acted a
Play, (by the invitation of some Gentlemen in a Tavern,) in which there
were two which fought on the stage, which were supposed Clowns, and were
to baste one another to some purpose. A Countrey Gentleman being there
present, and having never seen a play, but this Acted once before, and
seeing them fight again in the same manner, as they had done before,
steps hastily down stairs, and bringing up a Bottle of Wine in his hand,
interposes between them; telling them they should not thus bear a grudge
one to the other, but that they should be friends; and to that end he
had brought a Bottle of Wine, that they should shake hands, and drink to
each other, and would not stir, off the place, till he had seen them so
do, and go too, off a several way. That Scene was spoyled, however they
played on, and coming to the third Scene in the fourth Act, these
Fellows were to enter again; the Gentleman seeing them together, and
facing each other, ran from his seat to them again; swearing that he
that gave the first blow, should beat him too; _What_, said he, _cannot
we be quiet here, but you two Logger-heads must spoil the Play_? This
put the whole audience into such laughter and confusion, that the Play
was forced to be deferred till another days action.

They staid not long in a place, the People being tired with such costly
novelties as they call’d them, which made them ramble every where.
Coming to _York_, they had the same success at first, as they found else
where, but had like to have been scared out of their wits. For one day
acting a Play, wherein the King of _Scots_ was to be murdered
barbarously by his Subjects, and having intimation of the suddain coming
of the Assassinates, condoled his own unhappy Fate, and condemns the
treachery of his Subjects proceedings; is there no hope of Life, is
there never a true Scot, that now dares stand by me? A Scot there
present, seeing the murderers come in with their drawn Swords, cryed
out, _there is one left still, my neen sel, yar een Country-man. Let the
Deel fill my wem with smaw steans, if I make not the Loons eat my Sward
as smaw as_ Saunies _durch_. And thereupon drew his broad Sword, and at
them he came as desperately resolved, as if they had been real enemies;
and notwithstanding the King intreated him to be patient, he grew more
furious, and would have prosecuted them to death, had not his supposed
Majesty held him in his arms, till they had made their escape. Not long
after this they were invited to act at a Gentlemans house in the
Countrey, where they acted their parts so badly, by stealing several
pieces of Plate, that some of them had like to have acted their last;
Our Soldier of Fortune fearing by their ends, he might come to his last,
fled away privately to _London_; where he betook himself to his Pen
again, altering the Scene of his former design. Observing what large
encouragement some received from their Dedications, he resolved to make
tryal of scribling too: the first that he wrote was indifferently well
accepted of, it being an _Hodge podge_ of Translation, Transcription,
Collection, and his own Composition; he Dedicating it to a Person of
Quality, was largely rewarded; had he stuck here he had done well, but
being infected with the base ingratitude of Mercenary Scriblers, he
presented his Book to at least twenty more, with the same Dedication,
the name onely altered, which brought him into so great dis-esteem
amongst such as would have been his constant Benefactors, that ever
after they would never accept of his Presentations.

And now poor Gentleman, not knowing what to do, walking melancholy in
the _New Exchange_, he took special notice of a young Trader, who eyed
him as much, as he her (for he was a handsom proper young man, and had
cloaths on his back, a Gentleman needed not to be ashamed to wear,) they
gazed at each other a pretty while at a distance, but Love quickly
brought them nearer together. For having money in his Pocket, he
approacht the Shop with a Pretence to buy some Linnen, where having seen
some of several sorts, he bought some, the better to engage her in a
discourse. He askt her whether she was single, and whether that was her
Shop? she answered, she was married, and therefore had nothing she could
call her own. _How Madam_, (said he) _I cannot doubt but that you have
many Virtues, which you may justly call your own; you have Beauty too,
and admirable outward parts_. I thank your good opinion, _Sir_, (said
she) but I look upon her as unworthy to deserve the name of an owner,
that either cannot, or durst not give what is in her possession; _though
you cannot give, Madam, yet you may so dispose of that beautious mirrour
of your Sex, your Face, or what else you have, as that the frequent loan
thereof, may be esteemed equal to the gift_. She was quick of
apprehension, and understood his drift, and though she answered him not,
yet her smiles shewed a sufficient satisfaction to his amorous
discourse, and her blushes bid him do if he durst. To be short, he won
her so absolutely to himself, in a little time, that she had nothing in
her Power, which she did not freely give him, till her Husband had
almost nothing left, and suspecting the infidelity of his Wife, watcht
her so narrowly, that her Enamorato enjoyed her rarely, and seldomer had
his wants supplyed.

                  *       *       *       *       *

Now was he forced to look out again, but it was not long before he was
informed of a Maid that was very well to pass in the world, somewhat
ancient, and had she not had some few natural deformities, she had never
lived a Maid so long, for she was long-nos’d, thin lipt, beetle-brow’d,
short neckt, bunch-backt, and hopper-arst. This dismaid not him, knowing
she had Mony to make all good; and so with a little Court-ship; (she
being already ravisht to think, (her hopes of marrying having long since
taken leave of her,) she should be joyned to a young man, and a handsome
man to;) I say the Marriage was quickly hudled up: I did not hear they
had many quarrels the first week; but not many weeks past over their
heads, before his extravagancy, and her covetousness, could not agree.
Besides, she grew intolerable jealous, (as most do who are conscious of
their own imperfections,) and shewed so many of her damned qualities,
that he lived a hellish life with her; had he not been a fool, he might
have known before what she was.

                  *       *       *       *       *

She had better been quiet, for the more unquietly he lived at home, the
more jocundly he spent abroad; till in fine he spent all, so that he
resolved to leave her, and return to his former Mistress, who is now
aboard, I mean

                        _The New-Exchange-Girl_.

She was born in _Lancashire_, and coming up to _London_ with the Carrier
to get a Service, it was ten to one she had not been pickt up by some
Bawd, they continually laying wait at all the Inns in the Town, for the
coming up of handsome Girles. It was the hap of a Semstress in the
_New-Exchange_ to meet with her: and seeing her to have a well featured,
and well coloured Countenance, took so great a liking to her, that she
took her home with her. She knew well enough what she did, being not
ignorant, that a handsome young Girl in a Shop, will attract as many
Beauty hunters to her shop, as sweet things will draw Flies to a
Confectioners Stall. She had not lived long with her Mistress, but as
she was envyed by her Neighbouring Apprentices, so she was admired and
courted by many of the Gallants of that end of the Town. Her Mistress,
who found the sweetness of the incomes of her new-come Servant gave her
much more liberty, and countenance, than she had done any before,
cloathing her in as good a habit, as might become such an excellent
Face, and the Esteem that Gentlemen of Quality had for it.

                  *       *       *       *       *

She had by this time purged her self of the barbarisms and impurities of
the English tongue, by the daily converse she had with the Ladies, and
Gallants of the Court, and had learnt _decorums_ in Carriage, as well as
elegancies in Language. Her Mistress was much too blame in suffering her
to wait upon Gentlemen at their Chambers, with Shirts, Sleeves, Cravats,
_&c._ though it is customary, yet dangerous to those that would preserve
their Honour. By which means she had so many temptations offered to her,
that the like would have taken in the _Maiden Fortress_ of a _Vestal
Votaress_. They courted her with those Golden-Showers, which infallibly
conquer, (having _Jove_ for their President) no wonder then if she
yielded to her overcomers.

                  *       *       *       *       *

This still brought in more Grists to her Mistresses’s Mill who gave her
good Council to have a care of the Temptations of the Flesh; but she
could discern by her Eyes her advice came too late: and knowing that
Trade would not last long, gave her in a manner her own freedom, asking
her leave, when she went abroad; but yet her Mistress was not such a
Fool, but she knew well enough to whom she granted liberty to go abroad
with her Servant; good Customers you may be sure. There was not a day
hardly past, but she was Coacht; but at length she hackney’d it so long,
that she got an ambling Nagg. Being recovered, she scorn’d to be dismaid
for one hard bargain, but ventured at it again, and again; and now she
was grown to that pass, she cared not, but cryed, _Clap that Clap can_,
bearing in among them, firing Gun for Gun.

                  *       *       *       *       *

Her Mistress having reapt the utmost of her Harvest, advised her to keep
in till she was well, and being so, make the best and quickest advantage
she might of getting a Husband, for she told her, that she must stay
with her no longer, she being so great a scandal to her Profession. My
young Gentlewoman was over-ruled, courted, and a little after married,
about two years before our _Souldier of Fortune_ came acquainted with
her, he now re-inforces his suit, and tells her withal, if she will be
ruled by him, they should both march off together, it was agreed on,
that she should observe her opportunity, and take what Money and Goods
of her Husbands she could, and come to him; which accordingly she did:
and now being both glad, that the one should be freed from a cross
grain’d impotent Husband: and the other from a jealous deformed, ill
condition’d Wife, they both went to the West of _England_, not intending
then to leave the Kingdom; but finding a Ship ready to Sail for
_Barbadoes_; and judging themselves not secure, till they got thither,
or to some other forreign Plantation, they resolved to go, carrying
Money enough to pay their passage, and Goods to live ashore on.

                  *       *       *       *       *

But let me not forget my promise, but give you an account of the rest in
order; the next are,

                          _Two Button-makers_.

They are hardly worth taking notice of, and therefore I shall not much
trouble my self about them. They were brought up in _London_, and
therefore they were capable of driving a Trade in the Countrey: and
indeed they were forced to make that their refuge or Sanctuary. For in
the place aforesaid, they were known to be such notorious Night-walkers,
and Pick Pockets (for which they had been so often in those two famous
Universities, _Newgate_ and _Bridewell_,) that they resolved to go
elsewhere: making choice of _Excester_, a place so remote from their
former habitation and acquaintance, that they assured themselves of a
new credit, amongst a People so altogether unknown to them.

                  *       *       *       *       *

There they took a Chamber, (lying together) and went for two Sisters;
the noise of two _London_ Button-makers coming down to inhabit in that
City, quickly reacht the ears of the Shopkeepers therein, and that word,
_London_ carried so great a sway, and esteem with it, that they were
presently imployed, and had much work a days. A young Mercer, newly set
up, fell in love with one of them, and prosecuted his Suit so closely,
that though with much difficulty (she giving him many repulses to make
him the more eager in the pursuit), yet he at length obtained his
desires, and so fond he was of his enjoyments, that his business must
needs lie at six and sevens, since, all the day after, he imployed his
time in the Company. She like a Cunningham, at last fearing the Proverb
will prove true, (_Hot love grows soon cold_,) she pretended herself
with Child, which in two Months time grew so monstrously fast, that he
must believe what his eyes saw so apparently. His Breech made Buttons
too now, and not knowing how to save his Reputation, he consulted his
best wits again, and again; at length found this the only expedient to
preserve his endangered credit, that is, to give her a good sum of Mony,
with which he might perswade her to remove into the Countrey. He
propounded this to her, (and although she was ready to leap out of her
skin to see her Design take so good effect,) yet she would give no
hearing to it, but falling on her knees, beg’d that he would save hers,
and his own Reputation, by making her an honest Woman, that is, marrying
her: if he would not condescend to that, she would admit of no other
terms, but what sudden death should make her the overture of.

Some days he spent in perswading her; getting her good will; he gave her
a sum of Money to accommodate her lying Inn, in the Country; giving a
good part to her Comrade, and ordering her to stay till her return,
which should be speedy; she took leave of her Lover, as if she had been
doing the like to her Soul going a Voyage to the other world. But she
was no sooner out of sight, but she re-assumed her former jolly temper;
coming to an Inn (where she was to lie that night) _she there miscarried
of a Cushon_. To carry on her project with the least suspition, the next
day she went for _Bristol_, where staying four or five days to recreate
her self, and see the curiosities of that City, she removed to another,
from thence to a third, fourth, and fifth, only to prolong time, that
she might not be suspected on her return. Six weeks being expired, she
shap’t her course homewards, where being arrived, she found her Comrade
had not been idle, but had imployed those hands she sate on to a very
good advantage.

                  *       *       *       *       *

Her Lover hearing of her return played least in sight; and although he
heard that she had cast her Colt, yet would not come nigh her, for fear
of paying as dearly for his pleasures, as he had done before; and so
resolved to acquit her for ever. Yet his forsaking her did not hinder
other Visitants. To conclude, they had cheated so many with the pretence
of being with Child, that the younger-Fry were afraid to come near them,
being lookt upon by the Town, no other than a Couple of subtle Trapans.
Their Trade thus miserably decaying, they resolved to try what effects
Night-walking would produce. So stroling about one evening, with their
white Aprons spread as a Flagg of Truce, they walkt a long time before
they could meet with any fit for the purpose; in short, when it was
grown late, they met with a Gentleman coming out of a Tavern, more than
half drunk, whom they pickt up, the bargain was quickly struck, and into
an Entry they went, one of the Sisters standing at door as a Centinal;
at length (quoth she within) _Good Sir, let me go, the Watch is coming_;
which he hearing, stept nimbly into the street, because he would not be
found with Females in so suspected a place; casting his head about, he
perceiving his two Wenches make more than ordinary haste, he presently
suspected that they had shew’d his Pockets foul Play; wherefore putting
his Hands therein, found his Watch missing, he straightways ran after
them, and just overtook them as he met with the Watch, by whom they were
secured, and being searcht, the Watch was found; the next day they were
carried before a justice, who upon Examination, finding them guilty,
committed them to Gaol. At the Sizes, such a general complaint (besides
this theft) came in against them by the sober Citizens, for debauching
and ruinating their Servants, that they were both sentenced to be
transported. The same Sizes was doom’d another after the same manner,
and for the same practice, whom whosoever marries, hath got a wife with
a treble Trade, a Whore, a Thief, and a Stockin-mender; but fearing lest
if I handle her, I shall offend your Noses, I shall pass her by, and
present your Nostrils with the perfume of

                           _An Orange-Wench_.

_Fair Oranges,——Fine Lemmons_, a cunning Slut, who by a fifteen years
practice, had got her trade to her fingers end! She used that cry in the
streets of _London_ at first, to get her a livelihood; but her Face had
so cryed her up, that her Gallants would have decryed her Trade, as too
mean a thing for her to follow; but she would not be perswaded to it,
fearing she should be abridged of her Liberty. For whilst she had the
liberty of roving every where, she had the priviledge and freedom to go
boldly into a Tavern, where she not only sold her Ware, but had the
convenience to truck for a Commodity of another sort. She was witty, and
very well furnisht with a drolling Common-Place-Book, out of which she
could suit any merry discourse whatsoever. By which means her company
was so generally coveted, that she could not pass the streets, but that
some or other out of a Tavern-Window would call her up, who would empty
her Basket, fill her skin with Wine, only that they might make some
sport with her. A wealthy old Widower, an Ale-house-keeper, knowing how
generally she was belov’d, cared not much to be made a Cuckold, so that
he could but increase his Trade, which he knew he should do, if he
married her, which he did by a very expensive Courtship, she not caring
if he had spent every groat.

                  *       *       *       *       *

She lived with him some years, in which time they had got a world of
Money, the house being seldom full before, but since her coming thither,
always filled for her sake. The old fooll (having gotten enough) began
now to dote on her, and grew so jealous, that he could not abide to see
her in any company that was younger than himself, which she not
enduring, made up a good Purse of Money, and went into _Yorkshire_,
where attiring her self like Widow, every one believed that she was so,
and behaved her self so generously in all her deportments, that she soon
had Suiters of good quality swarming about her. She was so crafty, that
she never countenanced those, who had ever made the least scruple by
enquiring what she was, whence she came, what she had, _&c._ but
scorning such enquiries, would sometimes frankly say, when many of them
were together; _Gentlemen, I wonder you should busie your selves about
me, I trouble you not, therefore trouble not me; I intend to borrow no
Money of you, and leave an Estate mortgaged for the payment; I have
enough, and will lend you some upon good Security, if that you come
for_. An old stale Batchellor (a Semi-Usurer) hearing this, strikes in
with her, tell her he had Money enough too, (which she had heard before)
and that if she pleased to make a scrutiny into the truth thereof, she
might; however he would not question her Estate, but be very well
contented, if she had no more than what was on her back; she desired
some time to consider on so weighty a matter as Marriage was; not
considering before what it meant, however she was alotted a very good
Husband, and should she now marry a worse, it would be her
hearts-breaking. He promised her every thing so fair, that it cleared up
all her doubts, and so they joyned together in a Matrimonial tye.

The Husband she left in _London_, was not only Horn-mad, but stark-mad
for the loss of his Wife, and so diligent he was in the search of her,
that like _Scoggin_, looking for a Hare in the Roof of a House leaded,
so he sought her not only in places probable, but as unlikely to find
her. His enquiry was so indefatigable, that at length he heard that she
was in _Yorkshire_, and was informed of the place wherein she was. Over
joy’d at the news, he immediately takes horse, and rides away towards
her, resolving to forgive her whatever she had done, if she would return
with him, not knowing she was married.

The old man came just to Town as it was her hap to look out at the
window; she knew him streight, and was ready to drop down dead, to think
what would be become of her; but a Womans wit, which is alwayes best at
a push, prompted her to call hastily for her Husband, who running to
her; _What is the matter_, said he? _O Husband_, said she, _Do you see
yonder Man on Horse-back? Yes, yes_, he replyed; _then pray thee
Sweet-heart run quickly and dog him where he Inns; and having so done,
return with all the speed you can possibly_: never did Foot-boy dispatch
a Ladies errand speedier than he; and being returned; _Now my dear_,
said she, _I will tell thee how happily things fall out; as I was
looking out of that window, I saw that man you dogg’d, I have not seen
him these five years before, he was indebted to my husband in the sum of
300_l. _the Money hath been due long since, and not yet paid, it is
thine now, go instantly and arrest him at thine own Suit, I will prove
the Debt, his name is ———_ This obedient Coxcomb performed what his Wife
desired him to do: This Brother Starling of his being not acquainted in
the place, and not being able to produce Bail, was constrained to go to
Prison, where we leave him, vowing and protesting he neither knew the
Man, nor ever owed in all his life half the sum. In the mean time our
_Orange-woman_ had perswaded her Husband to give her leave to go to
_London_ with all speed and fetch the Bond she had left in a friends
hand, and if need required, bring the Witness down; _there is no fear
Husband,_ said she, _of the Money, for his Estate consists solely in
that, imploying it in buying Cattle in_ Ireland, _and transporting them
into_ England; _I have laid wait for him many and many a time, but never
could meet with so happy an opportunity_.

                  *       *       *       *       *

Her Husband poor credulous Gentleman, believed every word she said, and
consented to her motion, with much alacrity. The next day the Stage
Coach was to set forth, so he went streight and bespake a place, whilst
she had fixt every thing for her next dayes journey. That night, when
her Husband was fast asleep, she took the Key of his Closet out of his
Pocket, and opening it, she unlockt a Cabinet, and took thence a hundred
pieces of old Gold, which had lain there many a year undisturbed. In the
morning by time, after a great deal of seeming sorrow that she should be
thus necessitated to be absent from her dearly beloved Husband, she
entred the Coach, and was quickly out of sight. At the first
Baiting-stage the Coach came at, she altered her resolution of going for
_London_, telling the Coachman, she had extraordinary business some
fifteen miles out of the way, and that if he would drive the Coach that
way, she would reward him; he told her it was impossible to be done,
(which she knew as well as himself), _But Madam,_ said he, _you have
paid the Coach, and you may do as you please_.

                  *       *       *       *       *

She hired a Horse presently, and a Man to ride before her, and having
rid till it was almost dark, she caused her Man to make what haste he
could to the next Inn, pretending she was mistaken in the length of the
way. The next morning calling for a Quart of Mull’d Sack, she drank to
her Man, making him very merry, and then told him, she was resolved to
go for _Chester_, having business of greater moment to dispatch there
first; so giving him a Crown for his own pains, & half a Crown a day,
for so long as they should be out, the Fellow was very glad of, knowing
his Master would be pleased with him for so doing. Coming there, she
dismissed the Fellow, and hearing there were Ships ready to Sail, the
next day she went to _Holy-head_, and there imbarqu’d for _Dublin_.

How her two Husbands in her absence agreed I know not; but she no sooner
thought her self secure in this strange Country, but she appear’d as
splendid in Apparel, as the greatest Court-gallant of them all, and with
a new Surname Coacht it with the best of them, and marryed again, (a
thing too often practised there) and lived so long there, till she had
spent what her Husband had gotten in many years labour; and now when all
was gone in a manner, she falls into the acquaintance of a young huffing
Blade, who not daring to stay longer in _Ireland_, (by reason of the
many Debts he owed there) perswaded her to go for _Bristol_ with him,
where she should have what her heart could desire. Having a greater love
for his Person than she had a belief to what he promised, she yielded;
and without trifling away time, put their purpose into present practice.
Being at Sea, they had like to have split upon the Bishop and his twelve
Clerks, (Rocks so called lying to the Southward of _Wales_) had she been
there lost, any one that knew her life and conversation, might have
lookt on it as a just Judgement, having abused and violated those sacred
Laws the Church hath injoyned her to observe by her most detestable
Polygamy. However, they were hindred from putting into the Port they
were bound to, and instead thereof, arrived at _Barnstable_; where in a
little time after their arrival, he growing weary of her, took every
Penny she had, not leaving her wherewithal to discharge her Quarters.
She was rightly served, and may all such meet with punishments suitable
to their notorious practises. The fear of her Husband knowing where she
was, and the fulness of her own temper together, (seeing she should be
thus outwitted) made her thus resolve the tryal of retrieving her
misfortune in a foreign adventure. Almost on the same Basis or
Ground-work was founded the desperate resolution of our two Crack’t
Maiden-Servants. For the one was tollerably handsome, and thought her
self meat good enough for her Master, or his Son; The latter of which
she liked best, but he fitted her not to her liking; for having gotten
her Maiden-head, (by promising her Marriage) and with Child to boot,
marryed another; She being foolish, and having no Friends to advise her
how to compensate her loss by suing him, she only took pet, put finger
in eye, and vow’d she would never see him; a shrewd threat for one that
was glad to be rid of her. Her Companion with her knowing her
resolution, having staid to the age of near forty, and not one so much
as proffering to kiss her, (for indeed had you seen her when she had
drest her self with all the advantages her utmost Art could use, you
must have turned your head aside,) I say having lived thus long a Maid,
(I dare swear for her) and never expecting to have to do with any
Christian, she had some hopes that she might be a subject fit enough for
some barbarous Black Diabolical Infidel, to get Cannibals upon.

And now having given you an account of what Cattle we had aboard, except
only what I have purposely left to bring up the Reer, and they are four

                         _Common Prostitutes_.

Not to describe them particularly, but all of their Function in general;
They are things of prodigious strength, which is sufficiently manifested
in the ruin of the strongest Man, and back-sliding of the wisest Man. I
hardly know, or have heard of any whom they have not stagger’d,
excepting _Job_, who firmly stood maugre the Devil, and his Wife.

                  *       *       *       *       *

In the faces of the common Traders by diligent search, you may find some
Raggs of over-worn Beauty, like old Clothes in Brokers windows, to make
you believe that there are better wares within; yet he that trades with
them, is like to have a bad bargain, for she can sell him nothing but
the Pox, or Repentance. As for their upper parts, they are the Shops of
_Cupid_, and their lower parts are his Warehouse. Length of time makes
them turn Bank-rupts, spoiling their Game by wrinckling their faces,
which paint must rectify, but so hardly, that with all their black Spots
and Patches they look but like a rusty Gamon of Bacon stuck with Cloves,
scarce so beautiful, but not half so savoury; coming to this Age, she is
like a rotten stick, only fit to kindle green ones. In short, they are a
loathsome stinking Carreon, too unclean to enter into Heaven, too
diseased to continue longer on Earth; the shame and stain of her Sex,
the scorn of wise-men, and utter ruine of fools. These two Brase of
Whores were taken up at _Excester_ upon the like account as the former
Females were, for Whoring, Filching, and debauching, and so suffered the
same doom with the rest. That famous City since it had a name, had never
been so pester’d before with such a brood of Cockatrices. It is true,
your _London_ Doxies will go down into the Countrey sometimes for their
pastime, with their Cullyes, but when ere they come, it is but a touch
and away, but these deluding and destroying _Syrens_, staid so long,
till they were ready to spawn, and had not their own too publick Roguery
detected them, they in a little time longer might have infected half the
Countrey.

Our Master having intelligence of this brave booty, rode to _Exeter_,
where agreeing for this parcel of Cattle, he took them all down with him
to _Barnstable_, shipping them immediatly upon his arrival; not long
after my Rogueship (being nipt in the Bud of my Roguish designs, my
forwards prancks shewing what a dangerous fellow I might prove if I were
let alone to grow up in them,) was committed to the custody of the
Master of the Ship, to carry me with the rest to some remote place far
enough distant from _England_, that it might not be disturbed with the
noise of our lewd and vitious Practises. I had not been many hours among
them, before I began to take special notice of my new Comrades, and not
many dayes e’re I drew such remarkable observations from them all, as to
give you this account of them, the major part whereof is the extract of
their own confessions; and now I shall proceed as to our Voyage.



                               CHAP. XII.

_He is made a Cabbin-Boy, and shews what is the duty thereof; A pleasant
  drunken encounter between Himself, little Miss, and two other supposed
  Rivals; his Crime, and Punishment. He returns for_ England, _and
  coming to_ Graves end, _he discovers a notable trick of a Justice in
  discovering one that usually stole his Wood; Also, an incomparable
  Adventure of a young Woman, and himself in one Hammock together._


Never had _villanous Exiles_ such a fair Passage as we had, and to speak
the truth, though nothing could have daunted me, yet the calmness of the
Sea, and the clearness of the weather, did very much encourage me to be
a Sea-man. My Master was a very facetious merry man, and one of no mean
understanding, who seeing the freeness of my jocular humour, did not
hinder the care of his business, he acknowledged to have a benefit in
me, which few others received from their Servants, not only injoying my
labour and pains taking, but receiving a divertisement in the execution
thereof. I waited on my Master diligently, swabb’d his Cabbin daily,
made his Bed, cleansed the House of Office often, and who so ready as I
to fetch the Victuals abaft, and above all things minded my Masters
ringing the Bell, as it was my duty, so it was my discretion and
prudence; for had I at any time been playing the Rogue out of hearing
the Bell, if it rang in that interval, I was assuredly drubb’d; for
faults of a higher nature, I was laid over a Gun and lasht, or tyed by
the Thumbs, and whipt with a Cat of Nine Tails.

My lodging was in the Steerage near the Bulkhead, that I might be ready
and within hearing: And though I was so very a Rogue ashore, yet I was a
man of credit aboard, for my Master trusted me with all the choice
comforts which concerned his Life, committing to my charge his Wines,
both _Spanish_ and _French_, with Brandy, and several cordial Waters,
Sugar, all sorts of Spices; Tobacco, and what not, expedient for long
Voyage. Such regard he had of me, that he taught me to Write, and
Cypher, which for so short a time I understood so well, as I became the
wonder of every one in the Ship; seeing me so forward, he did put me on
the copying of his Journals, taught me how to take off the Log, to take
the height of the Sun at twelve a Clock, by which we know what Latitude
we are in; the knowledge of these things I gained not under three or
four Voyages, but in this first expedition I could run up to the
Maintop, and furl a Sail, though in a stress of Weather.

I minded so much my business, that I seldom visited any of the
Passengers I formerly described, and had almost forgot my little _Miss_,
but perceiving my Masters former kindness to them, was converted into
harsh and rough usage, tumbling them like Dogs into the Hold, when
sometimes they offered to come upon the Decks to Air themselves, I could
not but pity them; and to Buoy up their Spirits, I would frequently give
them a Dram, to be sure my _Miss_ had a treble portion, and would often
steal her fresh meat, than which I know not what is more valuable in a
long run at Sea.

I acted not my business so closely, but that my Master discovered the
goodness of my nature to my fellow-travellers; however finding no
considerable loss and decay of his Liquors, only threatned me for that
time what wonderful punishment he would inflict upon me, if ever he
catcht me in the like again: I thinking he had but jested, and trusting
to my wit for the secret management of the project, and the excuse
thereof when it was effected by the instigation of two lusty young
fellows, I was induced to steal from my Master a Bottle of Sack, and
getting into a close corner with my forementioned Doxy, whom I had
singled out, and these two Fellows, we made a shift to drink it off;
they prompted me to fetch another, but I would not yield, till I had
first gone aloft, to see whether the Coast was clear; finding my Master
asleep in the great Cabbin, I got out a Bottle of French-Wine, which we
dispatcht as we had done the other; not satisfied with this, they
perswaded me by all means to fetch another, and with that they would be
contented; I would not condescend in any case, till the witch my Wench
(that by this time was got above half drunk) intreated me with _prithee
do, what will you deny me?_ and then I could hold out no longer; but
being by the Liquor in a fit mood to do any Roguery, I promised them to
return with some more with all expedition; now I began to consider that
what we had drank already, was not so strong as Brandy, and therefore
lookt on that Liquor most convenient for our drunken purpose; I opened a
_Guard de-vines_, and taking out almost a Quart Bottle, I made what
haste I could to my seasoned Drunkards, who were eagerly gazing for me;
but finding them too petulantly familiar with my _Mistress_, I had once
a mind to have staved the Bottle, but that I should lose my share of the
Brandy, but dissembling well my passion, I drank on with them; but I by
reason of the tenderness of my Age, and my Female friend being not
accustomed to drinking, were not able to hold out with them: the fumes
ascending into my head, I thought my self as good as any man, (judge you
whether I was not a proper one at fourteen years of Age?) and would not
take an affront from any, and so charging them with the abuse they had
done me in being too sawcy with my concerns, I made no more ado, but
fell foul with them both, my little _Virago_ seeing me engaged, was
resolv’d not to be idle, but with the Glass Bottle lays one of them over
the Cox-comb, which breaking, cutt his pate, the sight of his blood made
him more afraid than hurt, and fearing lest he should bleed himself to
death, acquits our Company, and ran with all speed to the Chirurgion, in
the mean time we made our party good with the other, and so pounded him,
that he was glad to shoot the Pit, and leave us sole Conquerors of the
Field, having now no other enemy in sight to contend with us, I took my
stout Amazon by the hand, and led her up aloft in triumph, the Sea-men
were ready to die with laughter to see how we had mall’d those two
Boobies; but their laughter increast to that excess, that it wakened my
Master to see me and my Damsel strutt and reel to and fro the Decks,
bidding defiance to them all, daring the best of them to touch her upon
their perils; as I was thus Lording it, my Master made his appearance,
who was so surprized he knew not what to say, neither was it to any
purpose, for my Damsel was as merry as a Hawk, who nothing but sang
whilst I _Don-Drunken Furioso_ was storming like a _Raging Turk_.

My Master perceiving that nothing would appease my wrath, nor silence
the harmonious Tongue of my tippled Madam, commanded us both to be clapt
in the _Bilboes_, and there to continue till we were a little more
sober. We soon talkt ourselves asleep, and sleept as soundly as if we
had lain on a Feather-bed, awakening, we wondred to see our selves in
that condition, and could not imagine how we came there, but by some
inchantment; but our admiration and amazement were soon converted into
something of another nature, by my Masters sending for us; coming before
him, there did I see my two Antagonists, the sight whereof immediately
informed my memory with the precedent days proceedings; my face did
presently discover my guilt.

           _Heu quam difficile est crimen non prodere vultu?_
               Alas how hard it is for any face
               To hide a crime, if it hath any Grace?

And had not our countenances betrayed us, there were too many apparent
evidences for our conviction. Now did I see my _quondam_ loving friend
lay aside the pleasantness of his former looks, and assume the severe
gravity of a Judges aspect, and having dismist my fighting Madam,
sentenced me and my two combatants to be that instant conveyed to the
Capston, which was done accordingly, and there were we seized, inclosed
within a Hoop, and a Cat of nine tails delivered into each our hands;
and this being done, said our Master, _Let me see how you will fight
now? if you do not lash one another soundly, I will have those that
shall_; so commanding the Capston Bar to be turned round, to work we
went; I laid it on gently at first on him that was before me, but
finding the smart of the blows increase, and the lashes multiply in
strength as well as quantity, by him that was behind me, I spared my
fore-man not a jot, but as fast and as smartly as I could, I jerkt him
about; this caused him to redouble his blows on the other, he again on
me, and so we went round in that unmerciful manner, that our Master out
of meer pity was forc’d to release us.

                  *       *       *       *       *

The severity of this punishment (for none could have had the heart to
have whipt us as we whipt our selves,) cured me of my Drunken fits for
that whole Voyage, and so reduced me to order and civility, that I was
once more received into his favour. And now I grew so cautious in the
disposal of those Liquors of Life, that none participated with me in
their enjoyments, but my Master and his friends, who was a severe check
over me in what he had committed to my charge. Immediately after our
arrival at _Barbadoes_, having complemented the Island with the usual
ceremony of firing some Guns, a swarm of Boats from thence settled about
our Ship, the Planters therein boarded us on every side, as if they
intended to have made lawful Prize of us. Our Commodities between Decks
were forthwith rubbig’d, (rummig’d I mean) and exposed to the view of
the Buyer; they need not question the goodness of the Ware, since it
hath been sufficiently tryed, and could not want a _probatum_ on the
report of hundreds. Nothing troubled me more than to see my young Female
Comrade truckt for Tobacco, the exchange of equal levity, and as the one
is fit only to be burnt, so in time may the other, though so green one
would imagine nor capable of entertaining a flame. They were all
disposed off in a very short time, and those that despaired of ever
having Husbands in _England_, had them here ready made to their hands,
and they with others found in this remote place a conveniency for
raising a new credit and reputation, which they had irrecoverably lost
elsewhere.

                  *       *       *       *       *

All the time that we lay here at Anchor I was not permitted to go
ashore, a thing that griev’d me to the heart, especially having not the
benefit of others, who had the freedom of going ashore and refresh
themselves with fresh Provisions. Our Sea-men that were on Ship-board
would have the same conveniences as if they were where properly they
might be had, but were so inhumane to me, that I must eat what the Ship
afforded, or fast; this they did, that I might adventure another
whipping by stealing my Masters Liquors, knowing how strongly I longed
to taste of fresh meat: not a bit went down my throat but what I
purchased with the hazard aforesaid; but my Masters carowsing at the
_Indian Bridge_, made him forget what was exhausted out of his Cabbin,
and so I came off undiscovered.

                  *       *       *       *       *

Having taken in our Loading proper for our Transportation, as to
Tobacco, Indigo, Cotton, and Sugar, (which last sweetned all the bitter
Pills of affliction which I had swallowed) we set Sail for _England_,
and with a prosperous Gale, and good weather, we safely arrived in the
_Downs_, where lying a small time, we came away to _Graves-End_, and
there we staid two Tides. My Master going ashore, I begg’d him that he
would let me go with him, having not set foot on Land in so long time;
the consideration thereof perswaded him to grant my request; and taking
an opportunity to slip from my Master, I chanc’d to happen into an
House, where at that little time of my staying happen’d a remarkable
passage. There was a Justice of the Peace that lived not far from this
House, who had a Wood-yard adjoyning hereunto: the near adjacency of
this Fewel tempted my Landlord to purloin from thence, that he might
save some expence in firing; but he did it so often, that he caused the
Justice to suspect he was grosly abused by some or other thereabout; and
that he might find out the offender, he ordered his Servants to bore
large holes in some of the Loggs, and fill them with Gun-powder,
plugging up the same holes very close again; which was performed
according to instruction, and the design took its desired effect; for
our Landlord according to his wonted custom, came into the Yard, and
happened to take those very Loggs, and carried them home to use them as
he had done the rest; his Pot was over the Fire, and a Spit before it,
in order to a Supper bespoke by some strangers. I was smoaking by the
fire side, (that you may know I was not ill bred,) and had a Pot of Ale
in my hand sitting very near the Fire, my Landlord eagerly bid me remove
farther off that he might have room to supply his decaying Fire, (it was
well for me;) having laid on those Loggs, in a little time after came an
old Woman (whose ancient and deformed withered face had made her a long
time suspected for a Witch,) who begged heartily for an Alms, but such
was the cruel hard heartedness of our Landlord, that he not only denyed
her, but rudely thrust her from the door, the poor helpless Woman durst
not openly exclaim, but as she was muttering to her self her great
discontent, the Fire got to the Powder inclosed in the Wood aforesaid,
and being so straitly and throughly confin’d, burst the Logs like a
_Granado_, tearing the Meat off the Spit, blowing the Pot off the Hooks,
and brake some small matter of the Brickwork of the Chimney. My loss
consisted in the dropping of my Pot of Ale with the suddain
astonishment; but my Landlord lookt like a fellow distracted out of his
wits; recollecting himself, and seeing what dammage was done him,
concluded this begger-woman was the cause of all this mischief,
believing her now to be what she had been a long time suspected for a
Witch, and therefore leaves his House confusedly, (which gave me an
opportunity to trip off and leave my reckoning unpaid,) and getting a
Constable, seiz’d this ignorant piece of antiquity, carrying her before
the Justice that had lost his Wood from time to time; My Landlord
hereupon largely acquainted his Worship the sad hap that had befallen
him and the grounds of his suspecting this Woman; which when the Justice
had heard to the full, he then understood who was the Wood-stealer, and
so acquitting the old Woman, but committed my Landlord, who must now pay
for his Children sitting by other Peoples Fires.

                  *       *       *       *       *

I had not so much Money but that I was very glad to save my small
reckoning; returning to my Master, he was very jolly, resolving to lie
ashore that night in _Graves-end_, and commanded me to attend him; not a
drop of Wine would go down with him I observed without his Land-lady,
which was a very lovely Woman, had she not been a little too fat: her
Husband was the absolute picture of a Cuckold; it is strange that a man
should read that name so legibly in any ones face.

Night coming on, my Master seem’d to be more drunk than he was, that he
might the better excuse his so soon going to bed, desiring to take his
repose, after I had pulled off his Shooes and Stockins, and he had all
undrest himself, being between the Sheets, I tuckt in the Bedcloathes
about him, and in so doing took an occasion to meet with his Breeches,
and diving into the Pockets I conveyed away two half Crowns, and so
shutting the Chamber door, I left him.

Going into the Kitchin, I called for Wine, some upon my Masters account,
the rest upon my own charge; It was my good fortune to be alone with the
Maid, all the rest of the Family (being late) were gone to bed.

The Maid (like the rest of the worst of House-wives, who work in the
night and play in the day,) was making at that time a Smock for her
self, and as I guess sate up somewhat the later, because she would
completely finish it; I had made my self familiar with her, and taking
this advantage to raise some petulant discourse; _Is this your Smock?_
said I, _Yes,_ she replyed, _then sure,_ said I, _you are very lavish of
your Cloth to make it so wide; I will lay you five shillings, and you
shall hold stakes, that it will contain us both, and to spare: How,_
said she, _I will lay you that wager if I never engage in another_; but
the difficulty lay in this, that she saw there was a necessity that she
must uncase as well as my self, and therefore seemed very unwilling so
to do; But that she must lose the Crown if she did not, so she
consented: having the Smock on, I crept into it, and absolutely cased my
Arms in the same sleeves; hers were in before, my head peeping out at
the bosom; but endeavouring to dis-ingage by the same means we had
intangled our selves, we found it impossible, our Arms being extended
like the wings of a _Spread Eagle_, nor could we contract or draw them
to our bodies, in this plight we were in a good while, not knowing what
to resolve on. At length with one joint consent we raised our Arms to
the Tenter-hooks of the Shelf, (for though I was young, I was tall, and
so was she,) and hanging the Sleeve thereon, we pull’d, thinking to draw
it off that way; but striving with what strength we had left, we pull’d
the shelf down, and all the Pewter ratling about our ears: This noise
awakened the man of the House, and thinking to jog his Wife, found no
such thing beside him; this startled him more; however he was resolved
to see what it was, and therefore struck a light; but recalling himself
as he was descending the stairs, he returned, thinking it would be safer
(if Theeves were below,) to take my Master with him, and therefore goes
to his Chamber door, which he found open, and entring the room, found
his wife in bed with him fast asleep; whilst he was about to waken them,
we below were struggling to get loose, and stumbling upon the shelf
fallen, we fell over it upon the Dishes, which made as great a noise as
the former; this hastned him to wake them, reproving his Wife for her
carelesness more than looseness, and telling them there were Thieves in
the House; my Master got up and went down with his Landlord to see what
the matter was in the Kitchen: They had no sooner entred the door but
they were strangely amazed to see one Body with two Heads; approaching
nearer, my Master knew one Head to be his mans, and the other to be his
Landlords Maids: with much difficulty they they took this Flesh Pudding
out of the Bagg; it being midnight we were not examined then, but
deferred till the next morning: in the mean time they consulted
together; and it was agreed upon between the Landlord and his Wife, that
conditionally my Master would forgive me, they would their Maid, and
never foolishly proclaim their shame to the world which now lay in their
powers to conceal. This adventure staid us longer ashore than we
intended, but at length getting aboard, we sailed up to _Eriff_, where
we Anchored two or three days for some private business our Master had,
_&c._ and from thence we went directly up the River, and came to an
Anchor over against _Shadwell-Dock_.

[Illustration]


                              CHAP. XIII.

_He buyes a Horse in_ Smithfield, _he is basely cheated in the goodness
  by the Horse-Courser, the manner how; he discants on his own ill
  Horsemanship as he is a Sea-man. He rides to_ Maiden-head, _his
  Landlady loseth a Diamond Ring, he invents an incomparable exploit to
  restore it her again._


My Master being an eminent Sea-man, and faithful to his trust, had no
sooner cleared his Ship, but had immediately another Voyage offered him
to _Virginia_, returning home in safety, the next he made was to the
_Streights_; I was there with him several times at _Legorn_, twice in
the _West Indies_, and twice at the _Canaries_; by this time my
Apprentiship was expired, which I went through with so much satisfaction
to my Master, notwithstanding a thousand Rogueries I committed in that
time, that in our next Voyage which was to _Guinny_, I was advanced to
the dignity of a _Cockswain_. Whereupon the long boat was committed to
my Charge, and when any occasion served, I had my Crew always ready for
the skiff; I understood my place quickly, and behaved my self in it,
that our _Boat Swain_ dying, I was constituted in his place; now was my
care increased, for I had charge of all the Rigging, Masts, and Sails,
with many other matters of consequence. I have heard my Master say
twenty times, that he had rather hear me when we were weighing Anchor
(our Men being at the Capston) cry _heave clearly my boys_, than a noise
of Musick, for I had a strong yet pleasant voice, and I tun’d it to some
purpose when the Anchor was almost a peek. In this imployment I made two
Voyages to _Guinny_, the last thereof was so succesful that I was
resolved upon my return to take the pleasures of the Land, and no places
would serve my turn, but those wherein I had received so much disgrace
and punishment.

In _Smithfield, London_, I bought an Horse, he did so caper with the
Fellow that rid him, that I feared this pamper’d beast would be to
skittish, for a Sailer, that never bestrid any living Creature; the
Horse cost me six Pound and a Crown, I could not get the punctuality of
his Rogueship to bate me the odd Mony, though in three days time forty
shillings proved the utmost value of this great bargain. It was a very
fair day when I set forward in my journey towards _Bristol_, and because
the Streets were then dry, and no symptoms in the Heaven of any
approaching Rain, I vainly thought there would be no occasion for Boots
those intollerable cloggs of a nimble footed Sea-man. I mounted not
without some dread and fear that this prancing Palfry would run away
with his Master, but contrary to all expectation, I found the creature
calm enough, being ready to lie down as I was getting up; much ado I had
to get him to go till I had almost buryed my Heel-spur in his belly, and
then he made a shift to trot; but Founder-foot on a suddain running a
head, I was like to have been overset. The talness of my Horse did shew
what an Ass I was to be so cheated; I might have known that within less
than an hour after I had bought him, for in stead of Excrements, he
evacuated an Eel at his posteriors, which I believe was conveyed into
him alive by the subtle Horse courser, to make him for the present more
lively and sprightful. With much difficulty I got him to _Maiden-head_
that day; the next proving raining, my business did not require such
haste, but that I might stay a day or two for fair weather.

I had Money enough, the sight whereof did strangely quicken the
attendance of the Servants of the House, and my liberal expence
commanded both my Land-lord and Land-ladies company; and that I might
continue their society, I was incessant in the calling for Wine. My
Land-lady was pre-ingaged in the company of several Gallants, so that I
was like to have little of it, had it not been for an accident that
befell her, which brought her into my Room where my Land-lord was. It
seems one of the Gentlemen espyed a Ring on her Finger with a very fair
Rose of Diamonds in it, and desiring her to let him see it for the
excellency thereof; she condescended, continuing her conceited
discourse, which she raised on purpose, to shew what an esteem she had
for her imaginary wit, and fancy; this Gentleman delivered the Ring to
another, he to a third, that man conveyed it to a fourth that were
troubled with the same curiosity; but at the last it came into the hands
of one that was very loath it should go any further, since it had almost
past round; She being this while so busie in her tittle tattle, that she
neither minded how it was canvast about, or in the least mist it off her
Finger: She left the room several times, and returned; but in fine she
found the loss of her Ring, not knowing whether it was restored to her
by that person she lent a sight thereof, and had dropt it, or if not
restored, she was ignorant of the Man, and therefore durst not tax any
one particularly. I have known many a thing, as a Silver Tobacco box,
_&c._ left carelesly upon a Table which hath been taken up in jest, but
kept in earnest.

                  *       *       *       *       *

She was so puzzled she knew not what to do; and not knowing how to
remedy her self, she was resolved to play the perfect Woman, _sit down
and cry_; which she did in that pitiful manner, that I admired how any
mans heart could be so hard, not to exchange a few inconsiderable
Diamonds for so many inestimable Pearls that dropt from her eyes. Every
one stiffly denyed the unworthiness of the detention, and seemed
somewhat displeased that their glowing gallantry should be suspected of
an act so ungentile and unhandsom. Seeing there was no help, and she
could not conceal the loss from her Husband, she came where we were,
that we might in her sad relation commiserate and condole her great
affliction.

I gave much heed to every circumstance of her doleful story, and minded
it so well, that I fancy’d I had a project in my head which would give
her assistance. _Come Madam,_ said I, _there is a Plot which I have just
now contrived, which if it take effect, you shall give me a Bottle of
Canary, if not, it will be no harm for you to make a tryal._

She was very glad to hear of any proposition that might carry in it the
hopes of getting her Ring again, and therefore freely promised me any
thing. _Why then_ said I, _Go into your former company, but first dry
your eyes, and express all seeming joy imaginable, and tell those that
are inquisitive as to the cause of this suddain alteration, that you
have found your Ring again, and then mark diligently that man who
cunningly conveys his hand into his own Pocket my life for you that man
hath the Ring._ Following my advice, she re-entred her former Room, and
counterfeiting an excessive joy; _O Gentlemen your pardon,_ said she, _I
have found my Ring!_ Observing the company heedfully, she perceiv’d one
stole down his hand into his Pocket, to feel whether the Ring was there,
imagining, upon the hearing what she said, his Pocket had been pickt.
_Where is the Ring I pray Madam_, said one, and where did you find it?
_Here Sirs,_ said she, _have I found it, for this Gentleman hath now the
Ring in his hand_, which she forceably drew out of his Pocket, and so
the Ring appear’d to his great shame and discredit. Her gratitude for my
succesful council did that night so Sack the Garrison of my
understanding, that all my Senses _pro tempore_ suffer’d in their
general devastation.



                               CHAP. XIV.

_He is like to to be robb’d in_ Maiden-head Thicket. _He tells a notable
  story of a Tapster and another at Play in_ Redding. _At_ Newberry, _a
  Horse which he rode upon Tryal in the Streets, ran away with him
  unpaid for; at_ Bristol _he ran away with a pair of Boots then wanting
  them; he rides for_ Excester, _where he won a considerable sum of his
  Host at Play._


The great store of Rain that fell, and made the High-ways like Hasty
Pudding, by which means though I rid in Shooes and Stockins, yet I was
sufficiently be-booted with dirt. I rid over the Common melancholy
alone, but coming to _Maiden-Head Thicket_, there was company enough
such as I liked not by any means, and now _Gramercy Horse_, for had not
he looked as scurvily as I rid bootlesly scandalous, I had undoubtedly
been robb’d; never was poor Horse, and beastly Man so survey’d before,
by Devils I think, for their Faces by their Vizard-Masques seemed every
whit as black. Escaping that danger, I got the second days journey to
_Reading_, alighting, I fell all along, for I had kickt away my Leggs in
riding thither, Never did I find the difference till now of riding on a
Yard-arm, and on the sharp-ridg’d back of a surfeited Jade; I had not so
much skin left upon my Breech as would make a white patch for an
_Ethiopian_ Lady of Pleasure. Here I lay three days to recover the
damage my posteriors had sustained by riding my wooden Horse. In which
time I observed but little remarkable, but a Tapsters Playing with a
fellow of the Town for Money in a little By Ale-House, where was sold
incomparable Ale, which I found out by the information of a Coblar, the
reflection of whose face would have afforded light enough to an
Ale-house at Mid-night.

                  *       *       *       *       *

I was a spectator on their Play, and glad I was of this opportunity, to
divert my self in a strange place. The Tapster in a little time had lost
to the other the price of 2 Barrels of Beer, which so inraged him, it
being his all, that nothing could perswade him but that he was cheated
of his Money, that he napt on him, and I know not what, and swore he
would have every penny of his Mony before he should stir from the place.
The other told him that he had won it fairly, and therefore would as
surely keep it; hereupon the Tapster struck up his heels, and to work he
went with him, the fellow seeing his drift that he would dispossess him
of his Money, got as much as he could privately out of his Pocket, and
clapt it into his mouth cramming it almost full. The Tapster was amazed
to find so little in his Pockets, and therefore made all the Privy
search he could, which was all to no purpose, so that he concluded the
fellow was little less than a Conjurer, after that he had tired himself
with beating and kicking his Carkass, he did let him rise, the fellow
for all his seeming resolution at first took this basting very
patiently, and would have been gone willingly to avoid the second part
of the same tune, had not the Tapster laid hold on him, saying, _Nay
faith t’other box in the ear, and ’tother kick on the breech, and go and
be damn’d_, so lifting his hand up, gave him a cuff on the face, that by
the Noise of what dropt out of his Mouth, I verily believed he had not
only struck out all his teeth, but had also fractur’d in pieces his
jaw-bones; but I soon was convinced of the contrary, when I lookt on the
Ground, for there lay the Mony scattered which in his Mouth he had
secured. I never stood considering what was to be done, since I saw a
little time was soon lost, so that blowing out the Candle, I fell a
scrambling with the Tapster, who had got the start of me, however I made
my party good with him, and was not behind with him in my share, and so
slipt out, leaving the poor fellow to hold his bleeding chops, which
were cut through by a piece of Money, and the Tapster in _tenebris_ to
sum up his losses. Leaving this Town I found that I had more Money going
out of it than I brought into it, and so I merrily rode on to
_Newberry_. Here my jaded Beast gave up the Ghost, it was time for us to
part, for we were both weary of one the other. Money soon procured me
the sight of another, but exceeding different from the former, as the
one was exceeding dull and heavy, this was all air, and fiery, no ground
would hold him as it is usually said; this Horse was brought me to look
on, the Seller riding him in my sight with all the studied advantages a
double Jury of Jockies could invent; dismounting, I was desired to make
tryal of him my self, which I had no mind to do, for I dislik’d that in
him, which another would have liked extremely, his extraordinary mettle,
however, that I might not be laught at, I adventured to cross his back,
but I was scarce settled in the Saddle, when this understanding Beast
knowing by my sitting him, that he had a foolish and unskilful governour
to deal withal, grew headstrong, flew away with me like lightning, for
my part I thought I had got the _Devil_ between my leggs, and that I was
riding Post upon some Hellish design. I knew quickly whom I had to deal
withal, a thing that would have his will, and therefore thought it a
piece of impudence to curb his extravagant running; knowing well that
that pace would not last alwayes.

                  *       *       *       *       *

I gave him his head, let him go which way, and as fast as he pleased; in
troth he was better acquainted with the Road than his Master, and would
not be perswaded out on’t by any such ignorant Hawl-bowling as my self;
that night my Horse, and I, (for I must give his Horseship the
preheminence) came to _Marlbrough_; entring the Town, he went directly
to his Inn, and was known to the Hostler, calling him by some familiar
term, I know not what now; and askt me whether the Horse was mine, I
replyed that he was so, that I had bought him the day before at
_Newberry_: and why should not I own him, since he intitled me by
running away with me, not I with him; and since by an unexpected chance
I had a benefit thrown into hands, I was resolved to make use of it, and
so I did for the next day, very early I rode away with him for
_Bristol_, never hearing of the right owner since: his heat and fury by
this time were pretty well qualified, and could ride him then my own
pace, where as before I would willingly condescend to have had a leg or
an arm broke, to have secured the bone of my neck.

                  *       *       *       *       *

_Bristol_, the place of my nativity I entred with a strange confidence,
if you remember how I was born, and what roguish exploits I acted during
my abode in that City; but as good luck would have it, as length of time
had altered my countenance, so it had quite obliterated the memory of my
former nefarious actions. Here did I spend my Money in all manner of
riot and excess, finding a many jovial boon blades, although for the
most part very strict and precise; and though none are permitted any
thing late to tipple, yet there is time enough in the day to spend the
Cargo of an _East-India-man_, especially if a man hath nothing else to
do. The natural love I had to this place made me insensibly stay much
longer than I intended, and though I was some weeks there, nothing
occur’d worth the taking notice of, but furnishing my self with a pair
of Bootes. My money began to grow somewhat low, so that I saw there was
a necessity of removing thence; the inconveniences I was put to for want
of Boots, made me resolve to try how I might procure them without either
money or credit; I ponder’d with my self, and took many a walk in the
_Marsh_, yet could project no feasible way to obtain my ends. I pitcht
upon this at last; evening the account with my Landlord, I caused the
Hostler to saddle my Horse and bring him out, mounting, I rid him to a
quite contrary part of the City, where I lay, (my lodging was near the
Castle, and I rode to the higher end of _Ratcliff-street_,) near the
Gate, I tyed my Horse, and walkt down again backward where I observed
some Shooe-makers, entring one of their Shops, I askt the Master thereof
to shew me some Boots he did, and withal fitted me; having both the
Boots on, I talked to him about the price, I refusing to give so much
since they were too dear, he protesting on the other side that he would
not abate a farthing, stepping to the Threshold (as if I intended to
settle my feet in them) I started, though not fairly, running with all
my speed, the Shooe-maker thought it was to no boot for him to stand
still, whilst I was in action; wherefore leaving his shop, he betook
himself to his heels, crying out as he ran, _stop him, stop him; Stop me
not,_ quoth I, _we run for a Wager, and I give him the advantage of
running in Shooes against my self in these heavy Boots_; hearing me say
so, they gave way which I repeated to every one as I came near them;
they encouraging me, crying out, _O brave Boots, O brave Boots_; Others
animating the other with _O brave Shooes, O brave Shooes_; getting to my
Horse, I mounted him, and without Spurs, for he needed none, I rode
clear through _Ratcliff-gate_, and was soon out of sight, and never
since heard of my Shooe-maker.

I was resolved to cross the Countrey for my better securing my self from
my Horse-merchant, and so directed my Course to _Exeter_, where I was
resolved to continue till I had increased my store. I was fearful of
venturing on Robbing, and therefore my design was solely bent on
cheating, having not been yet arrived to the height of understanding the
ruinating Mystery of Gaming; my Land-lord was a very jolly associate,
and delighted much in my company, in that I fitted his humour so well:
we often walkt together, and by our converse broad grew intimately
familiar, insomuch that if I were in the house, he was hardly out of my
company. Frequently we diverted our selves with _Tom Fools Games_, as
they call them, _Dubblets_, _Size Ace_, _Back Sir Hugh_, _Catch Dolt_,
&c. For neither of us could play at any thing else with the Dice, unless
_Old Sim_.

                  *       *       *       *       *

It was my good fortune one day to play with him for a bottle of Wine at
_Sise Ace_, which I won of him, and after that another, and in
conclusion so many, that we were forced to call for assistance, which we
could not want long, if men in this latter Age did not Apostatize by
declining the powerful invitations of good wine. These Spungers by
exhausting our Liquor inflamed the Reckoning, and that still kindled in
us a desire to play on: I was the sole Conquerour; and seeing that he
could not deal with me for the Reckoning, he propounded to me whether I
would play with him for a Tester, I seeing how vext he was that he had
lost so many Bottles, consented to humour him in any thing that was
reasonable, not believing but that fortune would not withdraw her wonted
favours from me. He losing still; from six pence, we doubled the stakes,
and to be short, we gradually augmented them till we played for an Angel
a Game, (may they always be tutelary to me, and be my Guardians from the
insufferable torments of a despicable necessity,) from an Angel, to a
Piece, till I had left him not a Piece to play with me, having won
threescore and upward. Being a young man, he begg’d of me to conceal his
loss, lest by the Proclaiming my good success, I detriment his credit;
for he was so rational as to know that Gaming, as it surely stabs a mans
Reputation, so in process of time it will cut the throat of his Estate,
though very considerable.

I promised him I would do it though to no purpose, for the Standers by
were the Publishers of those ill tidings, which will spread abroad
themselves like a Pestilence. Now I thought it highly requisite to put
my self into a better garb, and invest my self with such ornaments as
might become a Gentleman, which I intended to personate. I accommodated
my self with a Sword, and did not forget Spurs to my new Boots. Being
thus bravely equipt _Cap a pee_; I grew weary of this City, and so left
it, and my Landlord to his better Fortune.

                  *       *       *       *       *

The next place I set up my Standard, was in _Salisbury_; my generous
deportment and gallant habiliments adapted me for the best of company,
and the relation of my Travails, not as a _Tarpawlin_, but a wealthy
young Heir, did infinitely please them: So that if I were in a
Coffee-house at any time, though I entred in singly, I should have it
filled with variety of Guests to hear those _admiranda_ wonderful things
that I had observed abroad: I was the Mouth of the house, and what I
reported was received as an Oracle, I made two Fellows one time
confidently believe, that _Pindennis_ Castle, if well mann’d and rigg’d,
would make a brave Man of War of the First Rate, and that _Pen-men maure
in Wales_, and _Hoath_ in _Ireland_ were nere met in consultation how to
prevent the turbulency of their Northern neighbourhood from incroaching
on their Trade of _Herring-Fishing_.



                               CHAP. XV.

_At_ Salisbury _he comes acquainted with a young man, who relates to him
  the_ Breviate _of his life, and instructs him in the most usual Games
  at Dice, with all the subtle deceivers that belong to them, and the
  dangers that attend them, with a short account of their
  Practitioners._


My Reputation in this City increased daily, so that I was now at liberty
to pick and choose my company, I mean from the middle sort of people,
which I knew how to delude, whereas I was not so ignorant, but that men
of better breeding and learning would by my discolouring, Sea-faring
hands, and illiterate tongue find out the imposture of my crafty
pretences. I had a sufficient stock of confidence to manage those
natural parts which some (flatteringly I doubt) highly commended. The
younger sort of People were the Persons I selected to associate my self
withal, and had in that little time gain’d so large an interest in them,
that he offered me too little, I should have thought, that would think
to buy my propriety therein for an hundred a year. Hunting and Hawking
were my dayly Recreations; when we returned home, Drinking and Whoring
were our nightly exercises; and because I was a stranger as I had the
preheminence in most things, so I always paid the least share of any in
the reckoning.

                  *       *       *       *       *

There was one strange Gentleman who usually accompanied us, whom I
particularly observed to have more than common qualifications;
quick-witted, well spoken, sung incomparably, but had the repute of a
notorious Gamester; and well he might, for he had bit both City and
Countrey of considerable sums, so that now being generally known for a
Rook, none durst play with him, yet fancied his company very much. This
Gentleman I singled out, and discourst him throughly as to every thing:
And that I might engage him to a greater freedom, I forged several lies,
charging him with secrecy; this seeming unbosoming my self obliged him
to give me an account of what he was, and for what reasons he came there
in this manner.

                  *       *       *       *       *

_Sir,_ said he, _I was formerly an Apprentice in_ London, _and by reason
of my Masters covetous and ill nature and severity from him, I had not
served him two years e’re I was upon the ramble, (a term of Art
frequently used amongst us;) my Parents with some charge and much
intreaty sawdred up this first crack; but this sore was not so well
cured, but by reason of the inward corruption it broke out again, and
now was the Malady worse than ever, for my Master would not receive me
on any terms, notwithstanding the various perswasions of my friends for
that purpose. My Relations seeing this, and being throughly perplex’t
exercised all their passions on me, and instead of reducing me, took a
course to ruine and destroy me: for they seemingly cast me out of all
favour, which I judged to be real, and having no other dependance than
my Wits (my poverty having frighted all my former friends from coming
near me,) I resolved for a sustenance to make what use I could of them._

_As long as my money lasted, I frequented all places for Gaming
exercises, and now and then some Bawdy-houses, in which I had goten a
large acquaintance; but having spent all I had, I could get no credit
among them, only in one house, where they had so much credulity to
believe my Lies to be infallible Truths, and that I should receive in a
little time those several Sums were due to me abroad, and would have the
honesty to pay my large account. Money not coming as they expected, laid
an Action on my back, and threw me into Goal, where I suffered more than
tongue can utter; but I shall not disclose the name of this Gaoler,
since I shall give you an account of some lines I wrote on him whilst I
was his Prisoner, which were these_;

            _This Gaoler sure the Devil gave him birth,
            For no such Fury hath his seat on Earth:
            A Cannibal which eats the Flesh of Men,
            And being gorged, spews than up again.
            A Monster that the old World never knew,
            Of late produc’d by a litigious crew,
            Spawn of a Syren and Leviathan:
            Part Fish, part Fowl, part Devil, and part Man.
            He Swallows down the poor, as Crows do Frogs,
            And makes no more of Men, than Men of Dogs.
            The Pris’ner ends his days in toil and sweat,
            To fill the Cabbins of his Cabbinet.
            This Cash being ravisht from his reaking brow,
            Will be all spent the Devil knows not how.
            His Celler’s Hell, he lives by other’s sin,
            And cares not who doth loose so he may win.
            His Beds are dearer than a Bawdy-house,
            There you may have a Whore, but here a Louse.
            This is that Hell-hound for to sum up all,
            Who is both Monster, Devil, and Canniball._

_In this stinking place I stayed so long till I was almost starved, yet
though I had nothing to feed on, I had daily a thousand which fed on me.
The Daughter of my merciless Creditor hearing the miserableness of my
condition gave me a visit, and supplyed me with some Money for the
present, and repeating her visits, pity did at last turn into affection;
this Love soon seeded into Matrimony; for she was her Mothers Darling,
and could perswade her to anything, and so it proved, for she so
prevailed, that I was discharged of my Debt, Fees paid, new Cloaths
bought, and we incontinently marryed. I knew her to be a Whore, but
necessity forced me to do what I did, or I must have perisht._

_My Wife on the Bridal night expected no new thing from me, but a new
fashioned duty; for she told me, if I expected to command, I was grosly
mistaken; that she raised me not out of that Tomb I must have lain
buryed in to my lives end, for that purpose, she knew how to rule her
own affairs without my assistance, however she could not but acknowledge
that man was a necessary implement in a Family, if it were but to cloak
his Wives imperfections; To be short, Sir, I was only a Titular master,
but a real Pimp and Cuckold; I bore all with a world of patience, still
waiting an opportunity to get what I could, and march off: which fell
out as happily as I could wish; for the House was noted to be a place of
debauchery, and whilst my mother in Law was condemned for a damn’d Bawd,
and my Wife for an errant piece of impudence, I was pityed by all as one
drawn in and undone by them both._

_Officers in fine seised them; and carried them to_ Bridewel, _being
both safe from interrupting my fixed resolution, I ransackt the house,
taking what Moneys I found, and selling what would yield me any, I
betook my self to this place, the remoteness whereof from my former
habitation affording me a very convenient refuge. Whilst I have been in
these parts I have not expended my time idly; for in Gaol and elsewhere
I have learned most knacks in playing I have ever heard of, and have
practiced them in many places very advantagiously, for I was a while of
a Gang that stroled all the Countrey over, to all the great Fairs in_
England, _resorting thither as constantly, as such Tradesmen who make it
their business to observe them, exercising their cheating faculties on
all they can pick up fit for their company: the reason why they go three
or four in Company, is, that if any contest in playing should arise, or
any opposition should be made, they may be the better able to defend
their Roguery. Besides, if they should miss of a prize, and be smoakt as
Gamesters, they are then strong enough for mischiefs of another nature,
as_ Padding, Ken-milling, _&c. and indeed let me tell you, there is no
profest Villain which hath not a very great insight in Gaming, and know
not only what advantages naturally accrue from every Game, but know how
to make them when occasion shall require._

_Since my coming hither I have very illy managed my successes; for I
have won too many times without the interposition of one single loss of
my own, which hath raised in my Gamesters a suspition of me not to be
taken off; by which means I have lost all future hopes of bubbling them
any more; But since, Sir, you stand fair in their good opinion, if you
please to let me share with you, I shall inform you not only with my
Art, but also furnish you with Tools which shall effect our design and
increase our store. But before I shall encourage you to learn that which
I now propound for your profit, give me leave to acquaint you with the
inconveniencies, dangers, and perplexities which attend Gaming, lest
hereafter you condemn me for your rash learning that which you would
have trampled under your feet, had you known the many dangerous
concomitants which continually wait thereon._

_To speak generally, Gaming is an enchanting Witchery begot betwixt a
couple of Devils, Idleness and Avarice: it so infatuates man, that it
renders him incapable of prosecuting his more serious affairs, and makes
him to quarrel with his condition though ever so good: if he wins, the
success so elevates him, that his mad joys carry him to the height of
all excesses; if he loses, his misfortune plunges him to the bottom of
Despair. Oh how I have seen a man cast up his eyes, as if he intended to
call Heaven to account for its injustice, in not giving him that Cast he
so much desires. Nay, I heard one of no small note in an ordinary
publickly invoke the Devil, (upon his throwing at all, that is, all the
men lies on the Table) that he would turn up Five, which was his Chance,
and he should have his Soul for the next throw, an expression enough to
make the hair of the vilest reprobate to stand on end._

_It was said of one, that_ nec bonam, nec malam fortunam ferre potest,
_that both in good and bad fortune he was ever restles._ Marcellus
_could neither be quiet as Conquerour, nor overcome. Thus such is the
damn’d itch of Play, Gamesters are never satisfyed winning or loosing,
if they win, they hope to increase their store, if they loose their
Money they hope to recover it again._

_The question was wittily propounded by one, whether Men in a Ship at
Sea were to be accounted_ inter mortuos, vel vivos, _among the living,
or the dead, because there were but few Inches between them and
drowning. The_ Quære _is not improper to be made of great Gamesters,
though their Estates be never so considerable, whether they are to be
esteemed_ Divites vel Pauperis, _poor or rich, since there are but a few
Casts at Dice betwixt a person of Fortune, (in that circumstance) and a
Begger._

                  *       *       *       *       *

_Now if you intend to be a Gamster, what ever your success be, you must
bear it_ æquo animo, _neither raised or depressed; but I will assure you
that it is a difficult matter so to do, for this course of life will try
your patience. Would it not mad you to have so strange a fortune, as
with a very small Sum to run up to Eighteen hundred pounds, and loose it
again with his small stock in less than three days? I knew one with
Fifty Shillings, win Five hundred pounds of his own at one time in his
life, and thereupon putting himself into a Garb not mis-becoming an
Earl, played again, the Dice ran against him, lost every penny he had,
or could borrow; hereupon he grew stark mad, and hang’d himself in his
own Bed-cord. There are as many examples of this nature as would stuff a
Quire of Paper, and as many as would fill a Ream of such who having had
fair Estates, in few years have lost them at Play, and dyed in want and
Penury. I have heard it credibly reported, that a Gentleman belonging to
the_ Six Clerks Office, _who was only well cliented, but had a good
Estate of his own, and by him always a considerable sum of Money; this
Gentleman was invited to play by some young Gallants that had a great
desire to be fingring his_ Jacobus’s _with whom he engaged, and by
extraordinary fortune won two thousand pieces of Gold, was not content
with that round sum, but plaid on, lost all, with his own Estate, sold
his place in the Office; and lost that too; at last, through excessive
grief, he transported himself to a Forreign Plantation, where, if his
discontent dispatch him not, he must be forced to Hoe for a livelihood.
This commonly is the destiny of a decayed Gamester, if not this, he is
seldom preferr’d higher than to the dignity of a Box keeper._

_Lastly, before you take the Dice in your hand, think of drawing your
Sword before you leave off Playing; for should you play upon the Square,
you will be suspected by those that loose, you have knapt, or put the
change of the Dice upon them; then right or wrong they will quarrel with
you, more for the vexation of the loss, than for any just cause they had
for so doing: If you do not fall together by the ears then in the very
heat, you will have affronts enough to engage you in the Field next
morning, upon some trifling insignificant occasion, deem’d as a_
punctilio _of Honour, or else timely put up those abuses which will
occasion you to be scorn’d and slighted, and at last pist on as you walk
the streets by every Party Coat coloured Skip-kennel._



                               CHAP. XVI.

An account of Play, with several remarkable Occurrences.


T_hus I have told you what you must expect, and now I shall inform you
what to do; but if e’re you think to be complete in this occult Art, you
must by frequent trials reduce my Theory into your Practice._

_In the first place, take this as a_ Maxim, _never Play, but when you
are sure to win and that you might not fail thereof, have you Dice about
you continually of all sorts, which you may buy in_ London _at several
places ready made to your hand, but very dear: It may be when you are in
the Countrey, you cannot be supplied from thence so speedily as your
urgent affairs require, and therefore I would have you make them your
self._

_There are_ Fullams _of two sorts, which you may make run high or low,
that is,_ 6, 5, 4, _or_ 3, 2, 1. _either by drilling holes in the black
spots, and load them with Quick-Silver, stopping up again the said holes
with Pitch, or filling the Corners of the Dice. You may procure also,
(which you must have Implements as necessary in your intended
Profession, as Tools are for any working occupation) I say, there are
Dice which you may get, which will run nothing but a Sise, another a
Cinque, another a Quatre,_ &c. _which are very useful at Tables: for if
you want a Cinque, or so to enter at_ Back gammon _or_ Irish, _hitting
that Blot at an after-game, you recover again, and ten to one but you
win the Game; besides, it is useful for a single Hit at_ Ticktack, _or
for taking points, by joyning two together of a different sort._

_In case of necessity if you have none of these artificial helps about
you, then your hand must supply your wants, by Palming the Die; that is,
having your Box in your hand, you take up both the Dice as they are
thrown nimbly within the hollow of your hand, and put but one into the
Box, reserving the other in your Palm, observing with a quick eye what
side was upward, and so accordingly conform the next throw to your
purpose, by delivering that in the Box, and the other in your hand
smoothly together. You must sometimes use Topping; that is, by
pretending to put both Dice into the Box, whereas you have dropt but
one, holding the other between your fore-fingers, which you turn to your
advantage. Knapping, is when you strike one Die dead, either at Tables
or Hazzard let the other run a Milstone, as we use to say. Slurring, is
when you throw your Dice so smoothly on the Table that they turn not,
for which purpose you must endeavour to choose your Table or the
smoothest part thereof. There are very few that can secure more than one
Die, but I have known some so excellent at it, that they would slurr a
Sise without turning above a yard in length; others I have known, who
could secure two Dice in three at Passage, but that is seldom seen. I
have heard of some so dextrous in casting the Dice, that they would
throw when they pleased less than_ Ames Ace, _through the handle of a
Quart Pot._

                  *       *       *       *       *

Hazzard, In and In, _and_ Passage _are the principal Games in an
Ordinary, you may find Professors enough thereof every where else,
wherefore it is requisite to pass through these several Clashes for fear
of being Cross-bitten or bubbled by some other dexterity, of which they
have variety unimaginable._ Hazzard, _is a Game that maketh a quick
riddance on one side or other, and therefore it hath not its name given
improperly: for it ruinateth speedily, in Setting or Buttring (a term of
art is used among us,) one or other is blown up immediately._

A Main _at_ Hazzard, _is that cast of the Die which is thrown first, but
then it must be above Four, and less than Ten, otherwise it is no Main;
so that hence you may understand there are five Mains,_ 5, 6, 7, 8, and
9, _to these Mains there are seven Chances,_ 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, _and_ 10.
Ames Ace, _and_ Duce Ace, _are general outs or losses to them all;
Eleven is out to_ 5, 6, 8, _or_ 9; _Twelve is out to_ 5, 7, _or_ 9; _but
it nicks_ 6, _or_ 8, _as_ 11, _doth_ 7, _and so doth_ 5, _nick_ 5, _and
so on to_ 9; _after the second throw, the cast that comes first wins.
At_ Hazzard _the cunning Gamester will pray it may be Quatre Ace against
Cinque Duce, or Tray Ace against Cinq Tray; you had need be well verst
before you meddle with this, it being very hazzardous. Though twenty at
a Table set you, you may knock with your Box but at one, and then all
the rest draw their Money; as many as you knock to you must pay if you
loose; if you throw at all, winning, you sweep all; O the sweet that is
in that throw, when a man upon the success of that nick shall boldly
cry_ more Money Gentlemen, _although the Table is covered with
Half-Crowns. If you sett, and the Caster refuse you, if another_ cover
_you, and you accept theereof, it is one and the same thing._

                  *       *       *       *       *

_At_ In and In _you play with four Dice, you may drop from one shilling
to a pound;_ In, _is when any two Doublets appear: Out, when none;_ In
and In, _when three Aces, three Duces, &c. or four of one sort._

                  *       *       *       *       *

_At_ Passage _you are to play with three Dice; you cannot Pass unless
you throw Doublets above Nine, less than nine you are out; all other
throws signifying nothing, you must thrown on. What other criticismes
and crotchets there are in these Games, you cannot understand, otherwise
than by observation in your practice; but as I told you at first, it is
best not to meddle with it at all._

                  *       *       *       *       *

Hereupon my Gentleman took several Dice out of his Pocket, and throwing
them, I saw he could make them run as he listed; my fingers itched to be
at the sport, so that I spent the most part of every day in consulting
what advantages I could find out in Play: nay, in the very night I was
never at rest for dreaming of these confounded Devils bones: the
indefatigable pains I took (to find out the ready way to my
destruction,) made me speedily an accomplisht Gamester; and to show my
Master how I had improv’d my self from his dictations, I engaged with
him at single hand, he entring the List with me, found himself equally,
if not overmatcht.

Hereupon he perswaded me to study how I might contrive an opportunity to
Play, when at one bout we might both sow and reap a plentiful crop, that
might help to a future maintenance. The Plott I laid at a Gentlemans
House five miles distance from _Salisbury_, where I was invited to be
merry, with orders to bring what friends I pleased with me; you may be
sure I carried none but what had Money enough, otherwise no company for
me. Being met together, we were very jovial, and amidst our cups, I
propounded to throw with Dice, who should drink a Glass; it was agreed
on; being all half boozie, I made another proposition to play at
_Hazzard_ round for a Crown and no farther; this motion took as well as
the former, and to work we went.

To be short, I won all their Moneys, hardly leaving our Entertainer a
penny in the House; and fearing he should recruit the next day, and so
farther engage me, my new Comrade perswaded me to trip off, and share,
for it was reasonable he should go snips with me; I therefore caused my
Horse to be brought forth, and notwithstanding the many thousand
perswasions to the contrary, (rewarding the Servants) I took my leave of
them, promising to give what Revenge they pleased the next day, but that
was none of our intent, for early the next morning, we with our booty
rode for _London_.



                              CHAP. XVII.

_They go for_ London, _one is apprehended and the other in his flight
  casually doth two or three mischiefs; the strange discovery of a
  Murther of seventeen years standing._


Here puft up with good fortune, we scattered our Moneys up and down the
City, trampling the streets in terrour and huffing after a strange rate:
but coming along by _South-Hampton_ Building an aged Matron seized on my
Elbow-shaking Companion, crying out this is the Rogue that robb’d me; I
hearing that betook my self to my heels fearing lest being found in his
company, I might be taken up for his accounts in the Theft. I made more
hast than good speed it seems, for in my flight I bore down all that
opposed me; insomuch that a poor Woman with a basket of Eggs standing in
my way, I overthrew her and breaking her Eggs utterly undid the Woman,
her whole stock consisting in that basket. A fellow seeing this
endeavoured to lay hold on me, but I struggling to disingage my self
from him pusht him forward on his Nose and falling, fell into an old
Womans deep Codling Pan up to the Armpits, it being almost full of newly
scalded apples, never was Codlings so handled, nor man so becodled as he
was, the almost boyling water so tormented him, that he roared as bad as
the fellow which was inclosed in _Phalarus_ his Bull; fearing the
mischief I had done I added new wings to my speed, but not looking
before me, I ran directly against a Ladder in my way, on which there was
a labouring man carrying up Morter to the top, but he was stopt in his
intent, for though he went up by the Ladder, he came down without a
Roop, his Morter falling on the heads of four finical Gentlewomen as
they past by, who now might properly be called Morter-Pieces, the Ladder
fell easily and gradually from the house to a Sign Post, the Man holding
fast by one of the rounds, this while receiving little or no dammage, to
the wonder and astonishment of all the Spectators. However I was
detain’d, and none coming against me, nor accusing me for anything but
the Woman with her Eggs, and the old Woman for the dammage she had
sustained by the mashing of her Codlings; the fellow for being scalded
by them, and this man that charged me most with supposition of loosing
his life by my means I was dismist, giving to each what satisfaction I
Judged convenient.

What became of my _Come-at seven_ I know not, but glad I was to be
clear’d from this fright: thus it is to have a guilty Conscience; a man
I have heard of, who flew in a Moon-shine night from his own shaddow,
thinking it to be a Devil that haunted his wicked carcass: Another more
remarkable I have heard much talk of, who having murdered a man in
_London_, fled into Forreign Parts, and living to and fro eighteen
years, returning home again as he walked one day through _Cheap-side_,
he heard a cry behind him, stop him, stop him, seeing a great quantity
of People making towards him, presently fell a running with all the
speed he could, the rabble seeing two run as if it were for their lives,
divided themselves and in their pursuit they took the Thief they chiefly
run after, and seizing the Gentleman who run they knew not for what, he
cryed out, pray be civil Gentlemen it is confest I am the man; upon
farther enquiry found him from his own mouth to be a Murderer of near
twenty years standing.

Gaming had so general a possession of me, that I could think of nothing
else, and because I could not always meet in my ramble in the City with
such as suited my purpose: I frequented ordinaries where I never mist of
good chear, nor variety of Company. For about one of the Clock you are
sure to have an excellent dinner provided by way of ordinary; where you
shall have so many choice dishes and wine, that the Master is always a
looser in his entertainment what cares he for that? the box shall make
all good again. Gentlemen of quality and civility frequent this Table,
and after dinner will play a while for Recreation moderately and
commonly without deserving reproof, but the generality of such as meet
there are _Wit-shifters_. Some have frequented the house to eat only
there being such excellent provision, and cheaper than they can get
elsewhere, and never play at all only look on, but being once taken
notice of they shall have small encouragement to come again.

Here I came acquainted and did so commonly frequent all houses of this
function, that I shall endeavour to give you an account of what I either
acted or observed in the time of my converse amongst these Esquires of
the Elbow.



                              CHAP. XVIII.

_He here discovers the cheats of Gameing, the Nature and quality of an
  Ordinary, relating what manner of Persons they are which frequent it,
  with many pleasant stories intermixt, with a dehortation from playing
  at Dice._


All the day long there is not much playing in an Ordinary, what there
is, is amongst Gentlemen and the more civiliz’d sort of Persons, but
towards Night these Houses are throng’d with People of all sorts and
qualities and then when ravenous Beasts usually seek their prey, there
comes in Shoals of Hectors, Trappanners, Guilts, Pads, Biters, Priggs,
Divers, Lifters, Kidnappers, Vouchers, Mill-Kens, Decoys, Shop-lifters,
Foilers, Bulkers, Droppers, Ramblers, Dounakers and Crosbyters, _&c._
All these may be ranked under the general appellation of _Rooks_, this
is the Field where the seed of Hemp is sown, and grows till the Gallows
groans for it, this is _Tyburns_ Nursery, for yearly some or other of
this cursed gang go thither.

The first day I entred this _School of Vertue_, I commenced Master of
Arts, and would not easily be confuted with their Sophistry, but when
young Gentlemen Prentices or Casheers come hither unskil’d in the
quibbles and devices here practised they call him a Lamb, then
straitways a Rook (or more properly a Wolf) follows him close, and
engages him in advantagious betts, and at length worries him, that is he
so fleeceth him as not to leave him a penny, and then the snearing dogs
will laughingly say see the Lamb is bitten.

Some of these Rooks or Rogues if they perceive you to be full of Money,
though they never saw you before, will impudently and importunately
strive to borrow Money of you without the least intention of repaying,
if you should be so facile as to do it, or to go with you when you are
playing at Hazzard seven to twelve half a crown, which is more then ten
to one if you deny them their unreasonable request, you shall find them
sometimes very angry. Others will watch when you are serious at your
Game whether your Sword hangs loose behind that they may lift that away,
others will not scruple if they find an opportunity to pick your pocket
directly, if these projects fail, then have at your Gold Buttons, if you
have any on your Cloak, or steal the Cloak it self, if it either lye
loose or careless. But above all they have a trick you cannot avoid,
which is to throw at your Money with a _dry Fist_ (as they term it) that
is if they nick you (_id est_ win) ’tis theirs, if they loose they owe
you so much, if you demand your money they will peremptorily tell you
anon will serve turn, and then it may be a Rascally Boxkeeper that
usually snips with him, shall excuse him, saying he is a very honest
Gentleman, Sir you need not mistrust him, whereas he knows no body will
trust him with a _Newgate_ groat, if you chance to nick them, its ten to
one but they will wait your coming out at night and beat you soundly.

I saw a couple of blades (Gentilely garb’d) enter one evening the
Ordinary; they were lookers on a while, at length there being a vacant
Room, one of them pulls the chair and sits down, as the box came still
round he passed it, doing it so often said one angerly, if you will not
throw sir what sit you there for? hereupon he snatcht up the box,
saying, set me what you will Sir I will throw at it, the other hearing
him say so, did set him two Guinneys, which he nickt, the Gentleman
being vext did set him four more, with a round parcel of Silver, which
he won also. Now did the whole Table concern themselves buttering him,
that is, doubling or trebbling what they did set before, yet could not
turn his hand, which was so successful that he held in eleven mains
together, and just as he had almost broke the Table he chanc’t to throw
out, having got his hat full of Money he arose from the Table and went
to the fire with his Comrade, who asked him how he durst be so
impudently bold to adventure after that manner knowing he had not a
Cross about him to bless himself with all; how is that said one of the
loosers who overheard what was said, had you no Money when you went to
play, it matters not replied the winner I have enough now, had I lost
having not wherewithal to pay you, why then ye must have been content to
kick me so long till ye should say yourselves ye were satisfied; besides
Sir I am a Souldier, and have past through many a brunt, venturing my
life hard for eight pence a day, and do you think now I would not hazard
a kicking or a pumping for so many fair pounds, all that were there
concerned smiled at his confidence, but he laught heartily at their
folly and his own good fortune. _Well may he laugh that wins._

Did you but see what passions and how divers effects do vary men into
several postures, you would absolutely conclude the place to be _Bedlam_
instead of an Ordinary; you may observe one loosing to gnaw the box in
pieces, or take the sawcer of Dice and throw it over his head, whilst
the winning caster smiles and is merry as a Bee, another you may see who
hath lost all his Money, standing like _Pontius Pilate_ in the old
Primmer, or like some antick figure in a suit of hangings as motion less
and almost as liveless.

A Gentleman I took notice of one day, who loosing (what moneys he had
about him) sate very pensively, in steps a young blade in this interval
and briskly took up the box, but it came not to his hands above thrice,
before he had lost all he had brought in with him, which so inraged the
Noddy that he behaved himself like a meer frantick Fellow, swearing
Damme was not I a villain in less than an hour to loose four pounds,
this melancholly person hearing him swear and fret for a sum so
inconsiderable to what he had lost, Damm you (said he) Damme that have
lost fourscore pounds in half an hour, it seems the greater looser
thought it a piece of injustice the lesser should be damn’d before him.
Frequent are the quarrels in this place occasioned by the heat of Wine
before they came in or by loss made chollerick afterwards; Swords
commonly drawn, or boxes and Candlesticks thrown at one anothers heads;
sometimes the Rooks will raise a seeming feud (especially when their
stocks are low) when they see a Table covered with money, which may give
them an occasion to scramble; such are the usual garboyls in this place
that they form a perfect type of Hell.

I cannot forbear smiling when I think of a certain passage one time at
an Ordinary. A Gentleman who was well stored with Gold played high, and
in a little time had not one penny left he first splits the Box, & then
Box the Box-keeper, having so done, takes off his own hat from his head
which was black, dame, said he, who dares say this hat is not white, he
is a son of a whor that will not say so, the standers by seeing his loss
had made him mad, replyed not a word; he perceiving on the other side
that none would quarrel with him, seats himself, and fell fast asleep;
another Gentleman who had lost as much or more than the former came to
him who slept, and awakeing him, what is that you said Sir, is your
black hat white, it’s a damn’d lye, I say it’s blew, deny it if you
dare. The Gentleman was well pleased to see one madder then himself, and
therefore without passion desired him to go and sleep as he had done,
and on his awaking they should not differ about the colour, into what
frenzies do these damn’d Dice put men into?

When late at night and the Company grows thin and your eyes dim with
watching, then is the time for false Dice to be put on the ignorant,
then also is there a security in, Palming, Topping, Slurring, _&c._

There are a certain sort of gentle and subtle Rooks whose outside speaks
as much a Gentleman as most of the first magnitude. This Cunningham
seldom plays in an Ordinary, yet will sit there a whole evening to the
intent he may observe who winns, if considerable, and the winner seem
Plyable, generous, and Bubbable, he will some way or other insinuate
into his acquaintance by applauding his happy hand, congratulating his
success _&c._ and then familiarly, yet civily prompt him to a glass of
Wine that they may drink to the continuance of that good fortune.

Having gotten him to the Tavern he is sure to wheadle him into Play, and
by hook or by crook (as we use to say) he is sure to winn some if not
all his money; and that he may not be suspected for not playing squarely
he will (if he be sure of his bubble) loose considerably sometimes, but
in the long run he is sure to recover it again. I was several times so
served but they could do no good upon me; yet notwithstanding that by my
frequent practice I had gain’d a great deal of skill and crafty
knowledge in the Dice, I lost, spent, and consumed all my moneys, and
therefore I shall advise all to detest this abominable kind of life; if
the most certain loss of your money will do it: I do undertake to
demonstrate that any one with constant play upon the square shall be
looser at the years end. I have heard it very confidently aver’d by an
eye witness that three Gentlemen sate down at twelve penny Inn and Inn;
each of them drew three pound a piece in two houres time, the box had
four pounds of the money.

And that I may further perswade all men from gaming, consider how few
there are if any who have gotten an Estate by play, but how many
thousand antient and worthy families have been ruined and destroyed
thereby. It is confest there is no constant gamester but at one time or
other hath a considerable run of winning; but such is the infatuation of
play, that I could never hear of any that could give over when they were
well. I have known those have gotten many hundreds of pounds, and have
rested a while with an intention never to play more; but by over
perswasion, having broke bulk, as they term it, were in again for all
and lost it.

Besides if a man hath a good parcel of money ’tis extreme folly to play
whether himself or another shall be possessor thereof; if his stock be
small it is downright madness to hazard that the loss whereof shall
reduce a man to beggery. Moreover if you were but sensible of the
anguish that is upon that mans spirit the next morning, having slept
upon the loss of his money now irrecoverable, it would deter any one
from ever medling with the cursed cause of so much vexation and trouble;
what I now say is the product of wofull experience.

                      ————_Experto credo Roberto._

To conclude, having lost all my money, I began to grow miserably poor,
to prevent the further increase of my wants I sought out my old Master
whom I found upon the _Royal Exchange_, upon our going off for joy to
see me, carryed me to a Tavern where I acquainted him with all my Land
Travels since my leaving him, and assuring him I was weary of living
longer ashore, he advised me to go with him, and he would make me his
mate, I gladly contented and in that quality I sail’d with him for
_Guinney_.

Our Captain had thus far proceeded in recounting the memorable passages
of his life, as we were making ready to cast Anchor, we being at that
time not above a league from _Naples_ overjoy’d at the succesfulness of
this our petty Voyage, we made ourselves all ready to go ashore;
landing, our greatest care was to get convenient Lodgings, with some
difficulty we obtain’d them, and having settled our selves in them,
immediately got our Bills of Exchange accepted, till they came due we
fitted our selves with all things both necessary and pleasurable, yet
for some important Reasons for a while we laid an imbargo on our
accustomed profest Extravagancies, keeping a strict rein on our
head-strong wills and desires, but having received our Money we no
longer dallied with our delights, but gave them leave to court us in
what pleasant shapes they judged most convenient for our satisfaction.

Every day produced its new divertisement, every hour each of us studied
how we might appear Rivals to the most Epicurean critical pallated
Poleanate of the Universe, for since we were sailing in the Ocean of
_Senseless Security_ under a stiff gale of _Plenty_, we shaped our
course for the _Port of Sensuality_. The time being expired we had our
Money paid us to a Doit, with as much respect as if we had been the
greatest Merchants in _Europe_, desiring our further acquaintance and
correspondence, which we promised not so much to traffick with them as
to play some tricks upon them.

As our Lodgings were large and sumptuous sparing no cost for their
furniture, so were our habits very rich (_modo Neapolitano_) wearing
about us as many precious stones dayly as would have been a good return
for a young Merchant after a three years sweating expectation: the
gloriousness of our outward appearances made us no less a wonder to the
_Neapolitan_ Inhabitants than we were to our selves, for we now began to
admire one another having totally forgotten what once we were. Mr.
_Goose-quill_ the Scrivener strutted the Streets strangely whose garb
and gait flourisht like the _Capital T_ of _This Indenture_, the state
of his present _Condition_ made him receive many an _Obligation_, which
he always generously _cancel’d_ and continually _obliged_ others on
_valuable considerations_. The Drugster notwithstanding all his
striving, to seem otherwise, yet still showed himself to be a Chip of
the old Block, a rasp of Log-wood, and scented strongly of his old
occupation. His habit prompted him to personate the _Spaniard_; which he
did so scurvily that never did _thing_ appear more prepostorous, had you
seen him walk you would have sworn all his Members were in an uprore or
about to revolt from their Principal; for his Whiskers _tilted_ his
eyes, and they again being inraged to be confined within such narrow
limits by their staring seemed to strive to come out that they might
check the insolency of that audacious beard; and as for his arms and
legs there was not the least correspondency; for his hands were in a
continual motion being every minute imploy’d in cocking his Beaver upon
one side, but his legs moved so slowly and stately, that they seemed to
be offended at their slavish Office, showing their loathness by their
slowness to be Porters to a burden of so little worth. _Doll_ as she had
been conversant amongst the Gentry, so in her deportment she behaved her
self as well as any of the best education; but for _Jenny_ I could
hardly forbear laughing, to see how the proud _Minks_ would jut it as
she went, her Milking-Pail, and dragled tail, were clean out of her
remembrance, so was her being a _Motly-Wast-coteer_, there being not the
least track of her former condition discoverable, she resolved to make
others esteem of her by the value she did put on her self, not rating
her condition as she was the quondam off-spring of Curds and Cream, but
prizing it as one of Fortunes darlings, whom neither Cloaths nor Money
could make more splendid, and as for an haughty spirit now unmatchable;
I took upon me (as well I thought I might) to check her for giving six
hundred Crowns for a Locket, she smartly took me up, what said she
though I was born in the Ebb of Fortune, will you now intrench and wound
the liberty my better stars have conferred upon me? To be plain I will
not have my desires and pleasures circumscribed and taught me since I
have enough and will enjoy it. Sir if you once begin to be narrow
minded, you will be a Thief both to the esteem and enjoyment you may
have in the world, I will not be limited to please your fancy as for my
delights I will pursue them in what shapes I fancy both at home and
abroad, I will spare no cost that may engage wide mouth’d report to
proclaim the boundlessness of my pleasures and gallantry; all the Wits
of the City I will ingage with Sack and Money to write Panegyricks on my
Gaudy and Witty superfluities, not a _Cavaleero_ in _Naples_, but shall
vail his bonnet at my Balcony, and when I please the splendor of my
habit shall fix my Gazers as Statues in the place they stand. I thought
she was mad till she smilingly took me by the hand, saying you see
_Latroon_ I have a Soul as if Nobility had waited on my Cradle, however,
my will shall alwayes be in subordination to yours.

                  *       *       *       *       *

As for the Captain he was a Man well read, and having seen the world,
the novelty of a place never alter’d him, he had a good natural genius,
and very facetious in discourse which appears sufficiently by the witty
narrative of his Life, the relation whereof, did infinitely please us,
but most especially my _Jenny_, who would often repeat to me some
passages, but one day after dinner being altogether she took occasion to
speak of the Captains gaming and other Extravagancies, and having drawn
several good Observations from them, she desired the Company to give her
audience, and she would give an account of a notable Extravagant, a
young Man of her acquaintance, but as an introduction to her story, she
begg’d leave to speak something of his Father first, and thus she began.

[Illustration]



                               CHAP. XIX.

_A Brewers-Clerk cheating his Master, is taken in the manner:
  Afterwards, he having buried his Master, by a politick Project is
  married to his Mistress; he buries her, and is married to a
  Countrey-maid; who understanding her Husbands Riches, puts him to
  great expences in new furnishing the House, and extravagantly fitting
  her against, and in her lying in._


I Remember (said Mrs. _Jane_) when I lived in _London_, there was a
jolly old Blade, who was then the Aldermans Deputy of the Ward, and who
was reported to be worth the better part of 10000 _lib._ that had in his
youth been a notable Gamester, and many tricks he had used before his
_Mercury_ was fix’d, and became settled in the World. He had Travelled
and Rambled many years by Sea and Land, and had tried and tasted all
Fortunes and Conditions; and Fortune had alwayes been so much his
friend, as to bring him off without a scratch’d face, no great, no
sensible disaster; at length, being somewhat weary of the Ramble, he
resolved to take up and follow some imployment. He was fitted for any
imployment, and yet not rightly fitted for none. But being of a good
Capacity, he was entertained by a Brewer to be his desperate Clerk, that
is to say, to gather up the desperate Debts. This was an Imployment very
fit for him, for it gave him large convenience to Ramble; for the
Brewer, who had been a great dealer, had Money oweing him by several
people, some whereof lived at one end of the Town, and some at the
other; so that all parts of that great City, especially the out-parts,
his business lay in. He discharged this imployment indifferently well,
for his Masters profit, and very well for his own; for he had power if
he could not get all, to compound with any of the debtors for a part.
And although his allowance, being three shillings in the pound, was
considerable, yet he much augmented it by the tricks he had; for
although he received a Debt of five pound or more, he would tell his
Master, that he could get but half; and sometimes, although he received
all, yet he would keep all to himself; and by this means he raised to
himself a pretty fortune: and these tricks were usual with him,
especially if the people with whom he made this profitable Bargain lived
remote, or at any considerable distance from his Masters habitation.
Among others that he thus compounded with, there was an honest old Blade
who lived near the Tower, and had run 10 _lib._ in his Master the
Brewers debt; and through some misfortunes that had befallen him, he
left that end of the Town, and went to dwell as far as St. _James’s_
near _Westminster_; some while he had dwelt there without being known or
inquired after; and now our Clerk being imployed to look after him,
among others, was upon the hunt to find him: upon a strict and diligent
inquiry, he heard that he dwelt at St. _James’s_. Wherefore the next
time his occasions call’d him that way, he there inquired for him; after
much inquiring, he heard that the party had lived there, but was removed
to _Clarkenwel_; he therefore went thither, and there, with as much
trouble as before, he again heard that he had dwelt there, but he had
some time since removed from thence to _Lyme-house_; he made the same
inquiry, and still heard of another removal to _Lambeth_; and I think
from thence to two or three places; but in fine, he found him, but it
was in _Redriff_.

Having found out his Game, he strongely charged him with the Debt
aforesaid, and was resolved that as he had taken so much pains, that the
poor man should pay for it; poor man you must judge him to be, for it
was impossible he should be rich, that had in seven years made so many
removes. The money being demanded, poverty was pleaded; but he was deaf
on that ear, and was resolved not to lose his labour. In conclusion, the
man being honest, was content to pay, and that all too, provided he
might have time to do it; to this our Clerk was pretty wiling, and an
agreement was made up, to pay the money by half a Crown a week. The man,
although he sometimes missed, yet when the Clerk came and received not
the money, he was to spend 4_d._ and when he did pay, the Clerk agreed
to spend 2_d._ so that the Clerk seldom or never missed to come and
visit his Debter once every week; and the poor man seeing that if he did
not pay him two shillings six pence, it was to his dammage 4_d._ seldom
miss’d him; and thus in time, the Debt was paid, and the Clerk, in his
Matters behalf, gave a discharge.

But all this while his Master the Brewer knew nothing of this matter,
neither did his man intend he should; for as he had taken extraordinary
pains in finding him out, so he was resolved to have extraordinary
gains, and indeed, all for himself; and thought and judged that as he
had oftentimes kept all for himself, so he might well do so now; for he
believed although his Master should go to some Cunning-man, or the Devil
himself, to find this man who had so often removed his habitation, yet
he must loose his labour; and it being usual with him when People were
not to be found, to write in the _Margin_ of the Book where their Debts
were entred, _Non est inventus_; and when they were dead, and there was
no possibility of getting anything of them, to write _Mortuus est_, so
that now he concluded that this fellow was so far from being found, that
he might write _Mortuus est_, and so he did in the Book aforesaid. His
Master had oftentimes looked over the Book, and seeing those fatal words
in the _Margin_, had passed that Debt over, as he had done several
others with the same mark. But as the Proverb saith, that the _Pitcher
goes not so often to the water, but that it comes home broken at last_;
so, although this our desperate Clerk had played many of these pranks,
and that without discovery, yet now his time was come, and this business
shewed him in his colours.

This poor man, who I told you, lately lived at _Rederiff_, had now made
another remove, and from thence was come again to St. _Katharines_
(which was near the Brewers habitation) and he having been so honest as
to pay the old Debt, was resolved to try if his Credit would serve for a
new: wherefore having taken a new House, fitting for the
Ale-draping-Trade, he went one Morning to the Brew-house; and having no
acquaintance there with any body but our desperate Clerk; he inquired
for him, but although he was there early, he was never the nerer, for
the Clerk was gone out; and the old fellow sauntring about the yard, at
length the Brewer himself came out, and seeing one waiting there, and as
he supposed about business too, he asked him if he would speak with any
body; the Fellow replyed yes, with his Clerk; which of them, said the
Brewer? Mr. _R._ said the Fellow; the Brewer telling him that he was not
within, and asking him if he could not do his business; yes, if you
please Sir, replied the Fellow: Well then, what is it, said the Brewer:
May it please you, Sir, I am an old Customer, saith the Fellow, and have
long time dealt with you: and although I have been absent a great while,
yet I have been honest, and will be so still; and being come to live
near you, I desire you to let me have some more drink: Well Friend, what
is your name, said the Brewer: _J. B._ said the Fellow. How long since
did you deal with me, said the Brewer: Ten years, replyed the Fellow:
Whereupon the Brewer calling for his Book, looked over, and at length
found it, but found it marked with a _Mortuus est_: how now, said he
then, is your name _J. B._ and are you alive. Yes, Sir, said the Fellow,
your Clark knows me; for I have paid him truly and honestly, and not
long since he received the last.

The Brewer hearing him say so, and now discovering the whole story, and
his Clerks knavery, told the man that he would send him in some Drink,
but withal ordered him to come the next morning about 9 a Clock. But
before that time, about 8, he took his Clerk to task, and pretending to
look over his Book in general, made several stops and asked questions,
but more particularly when he came to this Debt; and he asking if he
never received any money of him; No, Sir, said the Clerk, I could never
find him; and at length I did hear of him, but _Mortuus est_, Sir, He’s
dead long since. Are you sure of it, replyed the Brewer: Yes, Sir, said
the Clerk, I am certainly sure of it; what I have writ there is
infallible: But I doubt it will not prove so, said the Master; and
thereupon, seeing the Customer come in, he said, look, sure this is he,
or his Ghost. Our Clerk too well knowing the matter, and that it was so
apparent, knew not what to say or do, but knowing that he was in a
fault, and caught too, and being guilty of many more such tricks, and
doubting they would all come out, cryed _Peccavi_, and desired Pardon:
but his Master believing him to be more Knave than he yet knew, told him
his thoughts, and (withal) that he would lay him Jayl. The Clerk hearing
that lamentable word, told his Master he would prevent him by drowning
himself; and thereupon the house being by the water-side, he ran
thither, in order to his resolution. The Brewer hearing the Clerks
resolution of drowning himself, and doubting that he might be so
desperate as to do so, sent after him to stop and hinder him; for he
considered that he should not only be somewhat guilty of his death, but
also loose by it, for he had all his Books and Tallies about him; and if
he should miscarry, he was not able to prove many debts that were owing
to him, wherefore he not only saved his life, but told him, he forgave
him that misdemeanor, and would not ask him any satisfaction, whereupon
he rested contented: But this miscarriage of his was such a blot in his
Scutchion, that he was called _Mortuus est_, to his dying day.

But thus as he had over-reached, out-witted, or, I may truly say,
Cheated his Master the Brewer, so he did, after him deal with his
Mistress, but after a different manner: for his Master soon after dying,
and leaving a plentiful Estate, and only a Widow to enjoy it; she
knowing her Clerks abilities were sufficient, and now not doubting his
honesty, gave him a very large allowance, and made him chief Clerk, and
Overseer of all, he being in this high employment, was somewhat
covetous, but more ambitious, and these two passions raised another,
which he termed Love; and who should he be in Love with but his
Mistress: and as he was her Overseer, so he intended to be her Husband.
Before he had the confidence to court her, he pretended to the Servants
and others, that he did so, and this was out of Pollicie to hinder the
Courtships of all others. So that by that time his Mistress understood
and knew his pretensions, all others did talk of the time of his
Marriage: One, in his fancie, appointing at such a time, and another at
such a time: so that he letting his Mistress know his passion, as he
termed it, she heard that all her Servants, nay, and some of her Friends
talked so freely of it, as if they seemed to allow of it.

                  *       *       *       *       *

She was much troubled at the boldness of her Servant, and forbid his
prosecution of his Suit, telling him that he shall lose his labour; but
he, now he was in, was resolved to go through with his bold undertaking,
persevered in it, and used all the Courtships that were usual on that
account. It was his place to receive and pay all Moneys, so that all the
Servants both men and women, came to him for their wages; and he giving
them a cast in his Office, and using them courteously, they dealt with
and for him accordingly; besides this, he had bestowed some moneys and
presents on the Chamber-maid, who had promised to be at his direction,
and to stand his friend in every thing; and indeed she used all her
little Rhetorick in his behalf.

He being still refused by his Mistress, was resolved to hazzard all at
once, and therefore he caused the Chamber-maid to tell it as a secret
that two dayes after that, he was to be married to her Mistress: All the
Servants told it to one another whisperingly, and together they provided
a noise of Musick to welcome him up on the next Morning: He having thus
laid his Plot, and the time being come, about five of the Clock of the
next morning after his pretended Wedding-day, by the Chamber-maids
connivance he got into his Mistresses Bed-Chamber; and he had not staid
there long, but the Musick coming under the Chamber window, tuned their
instruments, and struck up a lusty measure: his Mistress being awaked at
the noise, cried out, and asked, what is the matter? He being in his
Night-Cap, and without a Doublet in his shirt, drawing the Curtains,
told her, that the matter she should presently hear: She seeing him in
the chamber, and in that posture, wondring at the occasion, called out
for the Maid; who although she was near enough, yet would not hear her;
she believing that she was betrai’d, thought to cry out, and began to do
so, but could not be heard for the noise of the Musick. By this time the
Musicians had finished their first tune, and then, as usual, they cryed
out, _Good Morrow, Mr. Bride-groom_; _Good Morrow Mrs. Bride, Heavens
give you joy_. What Bride, and Bridegroom, do they mean, said the Woman.
Why, said he, they mean us two; for it having been strongly reported
that we were married yesterday, the Musick are come this Morning to play
us up, and truly, continued he, I was just now informed of it, and
hoping it is by your appointment; and that at length you intend it shall
be so, I am come to try your disposition: and thereupon he forced a Kiss
from her; and said, Madam, will you be pleased to own this Wedding? No,
said she, nor you neither: Then I will, said he; and thereupon the
Musick having now plaid another Lesson, he in that posture threw them
out of the window four half-Crown-pieces; and standing in that posture
for some time, shewed himself, and spake to the Servants and others that
were there assembled. And now the Musick having plaid their last Lesson,
saluting him with a _Thank you Mr. Bridegroom_, they departed. He now
coming to the bed-side, sat down by his Mistress, and told her, All her
people had shewed themselves joyful in his supposed happiness, and that
therefore he hoped she would really make him so, by doing that in
earnest, that all the World thought was so; and, said he, do you say
what you will, it will be thought that it is so, and that I have lain
all this Night in your Chamber.

She would not answer him one word, so pensive she was, in considering
what had hapen’d; but at length she told him, that if yet he would obey
her in any thing, she desired him to call her Maid; he who knew that the
Maid would not prejudice him, soon called her; and she was no sooner
come into her Mistresses sight, but she cryed out, Oh Lord, Mistress,
how joyful I am; at what, replyed the Mistress; that you and Mr. _R._
are marryed; why, who tells you so, said the Mistress? All the World,
said the Maid, not only our family but all the street know it, and the
Musick too thankt you for your liberal rewarding them. The Mistress
hearing that the Maid was of this mind, did believe that she said true,
and that all the Town would ere long be of her opinion; wherefore
chiding her Maid for leaving the door open, and telling her, that
although all the world did, or might believe that she was married, yet
she could say, and swear the contrary, for that she had been her
Bed-fellow that night; and therefore, said she, I expect that you will
go and undeceive them, and tell them so. The Maid replyed, that although
she knew what she said was true, yet she wished it were otherwise; and
added, that Mr. _R._ was more fit to be her Bed-fellow than she was.
Well, well, Gossip, replied the Mistress, then you must appoint me what
to do. No, answered the Maid, but I only tell you my opinion. No more,
said the Mistress, and thereupon was a great silence between them. But
Mr. _R._ being resolved to try her a little further, made a sign to the
Maid to leave the Chamber; she obey’d him, and he then again fell to
wooing it with his Mistress; who although she gave him no answer for a
long time, yet she thought the more and paid it with thinking, and
considering the case truly as it stood in every respect, he over-ruled
and overcame her; whether he gave her then an earnest penny (as he was
like enough to do) or no, I know not; but he keeping her company for
some hours, and by her consent getting a Coach, he clapt her into it;
and going to the next Church, sent for a Parson, and there that was done
in earnest, that had been so well presented in jest; and the next night
he did lie with her; and that he might be sure to have Witnesses of his
being in bed with her, several of their acquaintance were admitted into
the Chamber.

                  *       *       *       *       *

By this device (said Mrs. _Mary_) did this Clerk get him a Wife, and an
Estate to boot, and that a very considerable one, which he looked after
warily and carefully; and as an old Whore-master is the fittest person
to make a Justice of the Peace, to punish that in others which he by
experience knows more than ordinary, or for envy that he cannot
prosecute his old courses. So this Clerk having been a sinner, and
having been guilty of cheating his Master, was now too cunning to suffer
any of his Under-Officers to serve him in the same manner. And he so
well followed this course, that he became Rich; and when his wife died,
which was some years after, he had scraped such an Estate together, that
he was looked upon to be one of the most considerable persons in the
Parish.

His Wife being dead, and he being now an old Fox, was resolved to be
wary in his second choice, and to have both pleasure and profit: and not
having any Children by his old Wife, intended to have one that might be
in possibility of bringing those that might Heir his Estate.

He therefore putting himself into as youthful a habit as he could, woed
several Maids of good birth and Quality; and in the end, the _London_
Lasses not fitting his humour, as being too wantonly and tenderly bred,
and therefore proud and chargeable, he went into the Countrey, where he
found one, who not being above four and twenty years of age, well bred,
and one who had 400 _lib._ to her portion, and was sufficiently handsom;
to this Maiden thus qualified, he being now sixty years of Age was
marryed: she at first proved to be what he expected, an obedient and
loving wife; but in short time, understanding her Husbands Quality, that
he was the chiefest man in the Parish, and thereby understanding her
own, and being visited by, and visiting of her Neighbours, and seeing
their manners and customes, their entertainments, habits, houshold-stuff
and other Ornaments for themselves and houses, and believing that they
were below her in Quality, it was not long ere she by their example
desired, nay demanded the like; she would frequently tell her Husband,
that she had been at such a Neighbours, and there saw such and such a
suit of Curtains and Vallence which were better and more in fashion than
hers; and when by her perswasions or flattery she had obtained the like,
then she complained that the Bed-stead was an old-fashion’d one, and
that must be changed: next, that she must have new Chairs and Stools
suitable to the Curtains; and then she rested not there, until she had
gotten a new suit of hangings suitable to the Curtains and Stools; and
now she stopp’d in her expences that way, but exceeded in another; for
this new Furniture being had, all her Neighbours, Friends, and
Acquaintance must be invited, one after another, to her house to see
what an alteration she had made, and to have their opinions how they
liked them. And these Friends must be treated with Wine and Junckets,
and their Opinions being asked, one said, that indeed all was well, but
that the Looking-glass she had was unsuitable, and an old pittiful
thing, and therefore a new one must be had; another found fault with the
brass Andirons in the Chimney, and that all that furniture must be
changed; and a third said, there wanted a handsom Cabinet or Chest of
Drawers: and now she had the opinion of her Neighbours, she never let
her Husband rest, night or day, till all these things were done as she
desired. The Chamber being thus set in order, the Kitchen was the next
thing to be considered of, and there the Pewter first appeared, and that
being old-fashioned, and being purchased at several times, was all
differently marked; wherefore all that was changed for other that was of
a newer fashion; and that she might be _a-la-mode_, there must be no
Letter-Marks on it, but on every piece there must be the Coat of Arms of
her Husband, and hers empaled, engraven on them; and it may be, he being
unacquainted with any Arms of his own or hers either, must be at the
charge to search the Heralds-Office for them; and they being found out,
(for money rarely misses to make any man so much a Gentleman as to have
a Coat) they must also be fairly painted, to hang up in the Hall; and
the affairs in the Kitchen not being yet throughly reformed, the good
old Andirons are changed into a new-fashion’d Range or Grate; and now
all the Pewter being new, the shelves and dressers must be new made and
new painted, as all the Kitchin was likewise. Thus did this Woman employ
her self in the day time, and at night, he first giving her a grant that
she should have the thing she desired, she requited him in the best
manner she could: and he employed himself so well, that she was with
Child; and in short time she being confirmed in the opinion that she was
so, her Stomach was very squeamish, and she must have Caudles and
Cordials of all sorts; for the making and ordering of which, she had the
advice of an hundred Midwives, Nurses, and Gossips; and then she longed
for all things she saw or heard of, especially such things as were
scarce and costly, as Cherries and Strawberries in _March_ and _April_,
when she was forced to give 12_d_ or 18_d_ a piece for them; but when
_May_ came, and that they were any thing cheaper, she cared not for
them. And next, all her business was in making provision against the
Bantling should come to Town; there must be new Blankets, Beds, Rowlers,
Pilches, Clouts, Shirts, Head-bands, Biggins, and a world of such kind
of little Utensils provided; and the Cradle and Groaning-Chair must also
be bought and made ready, and the Mantles which had served his former
old Wife were too much out of fashion to be used now, (it is well if the
best of them will serve for an ordinary Blanket) and a new one must be
bought, and not one would serve the turn, but several there must be; one
for the Chamber, another for to carry the Child abroad in, in Summer;
another warmer, for the Winter; and above all these, there must be one
costly one, wherein the Child must be dressed to be Christned in; (for
it is too mechanical and base to use that of the Midwives) and it may be
another must be had to spread upon the Bed. All these things were
provided, and the Clouts and other linnen being made, several Washers
and Starchers were employed to wash, starch, rub, slick, pinch, and make
up this parcel, which must be laid up in Sweet-Powder in her new Chest
of Drawers. These things being thus provided she had not yet done, but
still wanted more, but especially two or three Baskets, one whereof
being of fine wicker or rods, or else of Wire-work and beads; or else
wire-work and Cloves, or else somewhat that is more fantastical, and by
consequence, more costly, and one of these she had, and with it at least
20 dozen yards of several Colours of penny-Ribbons to be tied in curious
knots about the basket. All these things the good old man gave Money to
his Wife to provide; and these pretty things together amounted to a
great sum. But all of them was nothing considerable to her next demand,
and that was a Cup-boards-head of Plate; some there was in the house,
_viz._ a beer-bowl, a Beaker, a Salt, and a dozen of Apostle Spoons: but
these must be changed, and others provided; _viz._ one large Tanckard,
two smaller of an equal size, one Plate, one Sugar-dish, two or three
Porringers, two Caudle-Cups, two dozen of Spoons, a couple of
Candlesticks, one pair of Snuffers; and such a large Inventory of this
kind of Ware she did reckon up, that it troubled her Husband, and almost
broke his heart to think how to satisfie the ambitious humour of his
Wife; but knowing that there was no quietness without, he also bought
and provided all these several parcels, and upon every piece of Plate
their Coat of Arms were engraven: If I should reckon up all the other
things, Sugar, Spice, Wine and Sweet-meats to be used at the crying out;
to which was added _Westphalia_ Hams, Neats-Tongues, Geese, and such
kind of Victuals as would toll down the Liquor and make the womens
tongues run glib; but above all a groaning Cheese, and then other sorts
of Provisions, as Quilts for the Bed, Sheets, Pillowbeers, Cloaks for
her self to sit up in, Pinners, Cloves, and a world of such kind of
trinckets; I should not please you, but tire my self, but the time of
her crying out being near at hand, She tired the Midwife, Nurse, and
Servants, and her Husband too, with her continual false Alarms. But at
length, her full time being come, and the Fruit being ripe, it must
fall; and after all this diligence in watching and attendance and great
Cost and Charges, in the Provision aforesaid, She was delivered of one
of the worser sort, a pitiful piss-kitching puling Girl: Although their
expectations were all frustrated, as expecting a Son and Heir, yet it
could not be, they must be content; and the woman was well enough
satisfied, as being told that when a Boy is born, the Father is better
pleased; and when a Girl, then the Mother; and She believing this Maxime
to be true, hoped that it was a good Omen that she should for the
future, prevail over, and command her Husband.

_The Child being born, and likely enough to live, the women fell to, and
in an hours time eat up, and drank off all this provision, and then
their tongues ran like so many Mill-clacks; every one handling,
dandling, kissing and spending their Verdict about this Bantling. One
said, it was as like the Father as if it had been spit out of his mouth;
another, that it had his very Nose; a third, that it was mouth’d like
the Mother; and a fourth, that it had its Fathers eyes; and thus they
all spent their Verdict: and although they all spake differently of the
Child, yet all must and did conclude that it was very like the Father.
He poor man was called up amongst them, and according to custom being to
kiss all the women, was much puzled to do it in an orderly manner; for
she that was finest, thought her self to be best, and therefore first to
be saluted; she that was eldest expected the same: and accordingly
several of them put themselves forwards, so that he did not know when he
had done; but at length they all having joyed him of his young Daughter,
they sat down, and then kissed he his little one, but durst not do so to
his wife without the Nurses leave, lest she should exact the usual fee
of a pair of Gloves: wherefore he seeing that there was Charge enough
already, was resolved to avoid all that he could._

                  *       *       *       *       *

_His wife, now having a Child must have all fitting appendixes and
attendants to it; and she being resolved not to give her self the
trouble of nursing it her self, and being withal too fond of her Baby to
have it out of her sight, therefore Nurses were sought out,_ viz. _a
dry-Nurse, and a wet-Nurse; one to suckle the Child, and another to wash
the Clouts, and rock, and attend it; besides a third, to attend the
woman. But although she did not resolve to suckle the Child her self,
yet she had a considerable trouble to dry up her Milk; for she was
forced to have a woman to draw her Breasts first, and then to use Towe,
Sage-Possets, and other things, to dry it up. This was her trouble; but
her Husbands trouble and Charges were intollerable. There was every day
something or another wanting; and being resolved to manage his affairs
himself, and receive and pay all, had enough to; and it almost broke his
heart to see how trivially and vainly his money was drawn from him upon
his wifes account. He now wished his old Wife alive, or that he had not
tried the troublesome effects of being married to a young woman; but
this repentance came too late, and seeing he could not help it, he was
resolved to bear all patiently._

_The Child and Wife being both now in a fit condition, the Child was to
be Christned; the trouble of getting or procuring God-Fathers and
God-Mothers was little trouble to him, for he had too great an
acquaintance to be unprovided of choice of them. But the charge of that
Ceremony was very chargeable. There were Glovs for the Midwife,
Deputy-Midwife, Nurses, Servitors, and all his Servants; and such costly
Services for the women, as cost him many a sigh to consider of it. And
this being over, his house was every day filled with Gossipings, who
although, as is usual, they brought the meat, yet he found the sawce,
which was always as chargeable as the rest. And he was used to say on
these occasions, that although the Guests brought their own Victuals,
yet he that laid the Cloth paid the greatest share. There was such
revelling and noise, such laughing and merry-making, that his head was
so disordered, that he neglected and could not keep his accounts in
their usual method._

_But as all times run on and will have their period, so this time had an
end, but his Charge had none; for his wife being able to sit up and
appear to her Gossips, in that posture She was to be provided with a new
morning-Gown, and Sattin Cloke to sit up in; and no sooner was that
made, but order was given for a new Tabbee-Gown, and Sattin-Petticoat
for her to go abroad in, it being, as they told him, a beggerly business
to permit his wife to wear old Clothes at her first going abroad; and
the Exchange was examined for all the newest fashion’d appurtenances,
that in every thing she might appear like his wife; and all this they
told him, must necessarily be done for his Credit. Although he knew it
was more for his profit and Credit too to be furnished with large bags
full of ready money to pay people on his necessary occasions, yet he was
forced to empty some of them in these extravagant vanities. A great
Feast being made on that day moneth that his wife was brought to bed,
and she being then Churched, and having walked abroad to shew her self
in her new Clothes, at night he thought he should quietly have gone to
bed to her, but he was forbidden that by the Nurse, because forsooth,
all the groaning-Cheese was not eaten up, but he being willing to put an
end to all these fooleries together; and hoping this was the last of
them, compounded with her, and so he had admittance._ And thus was all
this great troublesom and chargeable business ended.

Thus (continued Mrs. _Jane_) was the charge and trouble of this business
over, but the continued Charge and trouble that his Wife still put him
to on all occasions did not cease, but did so afflict and torment him,
that he often wished himself unmarried.



                               CHAP. XX.

_In short time after the old Mans Wife is with Child again, and brought
  to bed of a Son, to the great charge of the Father. The Old Mans ways
  of getting Moneys and his covetous humour of stealing Bricks: he is
  caught in the manner, and made to pay for it; also he is forced to
  wade through the water by his Covetousness. The Extravagancies of the
  young Son, who being corrected by his School Master, in revenge breaks
  his Windows: His Mother locks him up, and he cuts her Chairs and
  Stools in pieces, his Father threatens to correct him, and he pretends
  to be drowned; he gets Money from his Father, rambles and spends it;
  and coming home, his Father again threatning him, he pretends to be
  hanged._


Whether our Old Blade was pleased with his Nights lodging with his Wife,
I know not, but I am sure he was displeased with the effects of that, or
some suddainly after, for it was not long ere his Wife discovered her
self to be with child again; and then there was not only the second part
to the same tune, but also much more trouble; for she breeding this
great Belly worse than the other, was more troublesome; and concluding
by this difference in her breeding, that now she should have a different
birth, a Son to her Daughter, She told the old man that she was
confident of it; and so indeed it proved; for at the usual time she was
brought a Bed of a Son but he was a chargeable one to the Old man in his
birth, and a cross to him all his life after.

Much provision was made to entertain their young Heir; and although the
woman was well enough provided before, yet now there were additions to
every thing, and all the house was altered and turned topsie turvy; two
Rooms beat into one, to make a Hall big enough to entertain the Guests
the more commodiously; and a suit of Tapestry-Hangings, and Turky-work
Chairs, and other Furniture to adorn it; and should I run through all
the several alterations and additions that were then made, I should be
as troublesom to you, as this woman was to her Husbands Money bags:
wherefore I will omit all things of that nature to your imaginations,
and only tell you in general, that this woman was as profuse in her
expences as she could imagine; so that her Husband, after this lying in,
did give her an account of her expences, and made out clearly to her,
that she had cost him in alterations in his house, and these two Lyings
in, full as much as he had with her for Portion; and therefore he
knowing the virtue of ready Money, was resolved not to be over-rul’d by
her any longer, and be led to these vain extravagancies. Although his
Estate, and profit and gains of his Trade would well enough bear with
these expences, yet he being naturally covetous, being now grown old,
that Vice was encreased, and knowing that now he had two Children to
provide for, he scrap’d up all he could, pretending to his wife it was
for her and them; so that now his Purse was close shut against all her
requests and entreaties; and not long after a fair opportunity of a good
Customer happening, he sold off all his Stock in Trade, Utensils, and
House; and having an estate large enough for him to manage without
Trading, he left of all employment, and retired, taking a House a few
miles off from _London_; thither did he carry his Wife and Family: and
now in this private way he designed to save; for now there was no
occasion of feasting and entertaining Friends, as before. The wife was
now cut off from deceiving the old man of his Money, because he seldom
kept any in his House, leaving that still, as it came to hand, at his
Scriveners in _London_, and bringing home no more than would serve to
keep house: and now all that she could handsomly get was by cheating him
in her Marketting; for She would pretend that parcel of meat which cost
her ten shillings, did cost her twelve or thirteen, and so of the rest.
So that she brought the old man to allow her fourty Shillings _per_ week
to keep the House; and then she pinched his Guts, and made him look out
abroad for Victuals; at home She would make a neck of Mutton serve for
three dressings, and would give him of the worst: but he made his belly
amends by visiting of Friends, who treated him; he was one of the
Masters of the Company of which he was a freeman; he was one of the
Masters of the Parish, where he had long dwelt; he was one of the
Masters of one or two Hospitals; and as long-liv’d over-grown rich
Citizens usually are so was he in all these places, and many more; so
that there was seldom a week in the year; and sometimes never a day in
the week; but he was invited to one of these Assemblies; where he did
eat at the cost of others, and not only eat, but carry away in his
Hawking-bag which he wore by his side on purpose, although he pretended
it was to carry Papers and writings which he had occasion to use; and
this Hawking bag was seldom empty; for when he was at any of these
feasts, or at any other Treatment by a friend, he would stuff it full of
such Provant as best liked him; and now having the conveniency of
carriage, he would also steal Knives; nay, rather then fail,
Candles-ends, and put them into his Hawking-bag; and I have known that
sometimes his Covetousness hath carried him further, to steal quarries
of glass out of the windows of the House where he hath been, and thereby
damage other folks windows to mend his own.

These were the effects of his Covetousness, but he was catch’d in one
trick, and made to pay soundly for it, and thus it was: His house being
a few miles from _London_, he usually went and came every day, sometimes
on Horseback, but usually on foot; he had occasion for a parcel of
bricks to build a small brick wall, to divide a yard; and seeing in his
way between _London_ and home that there was a Brick-kiln, and withal
that it was usual with people to take one or two, he did so likewise;
and still when he went home on foot, he would take 2, 3, or 4, and
clapping them under his Cloak, carry them home. At times he had thus
carryed home as many as would neer build his wall; but the owner of the
Brick-kiln being acquainted with his doings, and his covetous
inclination, was resolved to catch him, and make him pay for it;
wherefore he watched him, and catcht him with four bricks under his arm:
How now? my friend, said the Brick-maker, What have you gotten under
your Cloak? Nothing, nothing, replyed our Old Dotard: I must see, said
the other; and thereupon threw open his Cloak, and discovered the prize:
what do you with these Bricks? said the Owner: and thereupon being
resolved what to do, called his Servants, and went before a Justice of
Peace with the Old man; who being thus caught, could not deny the fact;
but the Owner charged him with many thousand of Bricks, which, he said,
he had lost; and so ordered the matter, that he made our Old man pay
more than his Brick-wall might have been honestly built for; and thus
did his Covetousness bring him to shame and disgrace; but he still
persevered in it, though it were sometimes to his dammage.

He being one evening going home, and passing by a River, saw two men a
fishing; he not being in haste, stepp’d to a sandy-bank that was in the
River, and stood there some time to see them and that so long, that the
Tide being come in, he was incompassed with water, and did not perceive
it; and there he was in great care and fear to come out; he must not
adventure to wade; but seeing a labouring man come by, he cried out to
him, for Heavens sake to come and help him out, and he would reward him
very largly, and withal pulled out his purse of money, shewing him that
he was furnished with that which would recompence him for his pains.

The poor man seeing that attractive Metal, and hoping that he might get
as much for a small job as he had gained all the day, he therefore
without any more ado wades through the water to the place where our Old
Fellow was; and being come thither, took him in his arms, and carried
him through the water, and so set him down; he being now out of danger,
cryed, the Lord bless you, honest man, I will reward you; and thereupon
drawing his Purse, fumbled in it, turning his money over and over, and
finding three farthings, gave them to the poor man, telling him, if he
could have found the fourth he should have had it; he all this while
stood with his Cap in hand, with a God bless your worship; but being
deceived in his expectation, he was resolved to be even with the old
Dotard, and therefore clapping his Cap on his head, he caught hold on
the old Fellow: and taking him in his Arms, stept into the water, and
carried him to, and set him down in the place where he had took him up,
and there left him; and being come again ashore, said to the old man,
Sir, since you are so bountiful in your reward, I thought it fit to earn
my money by carrying you twice as far as you intended; the Old man
called out to him, desiring him for all loves to carry him out, but he
was deaf to all perswasions, and therefore left him; so that the Old man
doubting that he should be drowned, was enforced to wade through, as he
saw the fellow had done; and so he went home dropping dry.

Thus was he sometimes catch’d, but what he lost, or what dammage soever
he sustained, he made others to pay for it, especially his Debtors, for
he still caused them to feast him; and he was not content with what he
could eat or drink, but he must carry away, not only in his Hawking-bag,
but he had another Utensil, a silver Sucking-bottle, and still this was
filled at other folks charges either with Canary or strong-Waters; and
this the Old fellow drank off as he travelled, or else emptyed out when
he came home, keeping it for a reserve.

And as he pinched, and scraped together from others, so his wife did
from him, and that she saved, she expended or preferred upon her young
Son; who was no sooner come to be eight years of age, but he shewed
forth the most vitious and debauched inclination of any youth in the
place where he dwelt; and his Mother cockering him, and encouraging him
in his follies, it was not hard to guess at his future deportment; so
that all concluded that he would use the fork in dispersing and
scattering abroad, as well as his Father had used the rake in gathering
and scraping together; and that he would spend that under the Divels
belly, which his Father had gained over the Divels back; and to manage
him in his early debaucheries, his Mother supplyed him with Moneys,
which was like putting a Sword into a Mad-mans hand; for he employed
that, to do as much mischief: by that time he came to be ten years of
age, his Sister died; and now he being the only Child, was much humoured
by his Mother.

The Father prosecuted his ways of getting Money by Usury, and left the
whole management of the Son to his wife; neither indeed would she permit
him to be under his tuition, or be instructed by him, lest, as she said,
he should be infected with Covetousness, and other his ill Qualities. He
being Master of Moneys, was thereby Master of all the Boys that dwelt
near him; and he spending Money on them still, had them at his dispose;
and they not being supplied by their Parents with Moneys as he was,
would sometimes steal from them to keep him company; he raised a whole
Company of these Boys, and became their Captain; and if he had a mind to
do any mischief to any other Boys, he could presently execute it by one
of these.

He would not go to School to that Master that once whipped him, neither
would his Mother permit that her son, how deservedly soever, should be
corrected, but strait took him away from School; and he rather went not
at all to be instructed, than would admit of any correction. He being
for his untowardness lashed by one of his School-masters, went away, and
would to be reveng’d of his Master, abuse and affront him, and those
that took his part; the School-master hearing of it, caused a couple of
the lustiest of his Scholars to catch him, and bring him into the
School, where he caused him to be untrussed and horsed, lashed him
soundly, giving him School-butter, and then sent him away. This affront
our young man stomached exceedingly, and was resolved to revenge it;
wherefore he assembled those of his companions who were led to assist
him in any mischievous undertaking; and acquainting them with his
purpose, they promised their ready assistance; and he not caring, so it
were done, how it were done, took up a parcel of stones, and a Cudgel in
his hand, and causing all the rest of his Company to do so too, they
advanced to the School-Masters House, where they all at once discharged
a whole volley of stones against the windows, and after that another; by
this time the School-Master himself was alarm’d, and looking out of the
School window, had like to have had his Teeth beaten out with a stone;
which however shook and loosened two or three: The Scholars seeing this
affront put on their Master, all ran down to revenge it; and catching up
what sticks and stones they could first meet with, began a dangerous
fight, which continued till the Constable came to part them; there were
several on both sides wounded, and the School-Masters windows were much
dammaged; wherefore he knowing who was the Ring-leader of this Rout, had
him secured, and carried before the Justice, where the School-Master
made his complaint with reason enough; but our young mans Father was so
intimate with the Justice that the poor School-Master could have no
Justice done him; but the young man being soundly checkt, was sent home
to his Mother. His Father doubting that these exorbitant courses would
be dangerous, was resolved to correct his Son, but his Mother would not
let him come under his disciplination, but would undertake to correct
him her self: He who had never yet been contradicted in any thing that
was his will, was very unwilling now to take any correction; and
although that which his Mother intended was but small, yet he would not
endure it.

All she did to him was to lock him up in a Chamber for two or three
days, till she could humble him; but he was too stiff now to stoop to
her or any Body else; wherefore when he had been kept in one whole day,
his Mother coming to visit him, she found him more stubborn than before;
and he threatned, that if she kept him in, he would be even with her:
she ventured him the second day, and came to him again at night, but
found no amendment, but tokens of a high stomach she told him, she must
and would break him, he said, she could not, nor should not; and if she
kept him within any longer, she should have cause to repent it. She was
resolved to try, but he was as good as his word; for getting a Knife, he
had cut all her fine Chairs and Stools to pieces; she seeing this, was
passionately angry, and turned him out of the Room, gave him over to be
corrected by his Father; who understanding the Mischief he had done, was
resolved to punish him severely, and to that end made preparations. The
Servants in the house advised him to submit himself to his Father and
Mother, and ask forgiveness, and that they would undertake all should be
well again; but he would not yield, but was resolved to take another
course; wherefore he provided himself with necessaries, and thus he did.

He went to a Pond, about a mile from his Fathers House, and putting off
his Clothes, went into the water, and staid there some time, so that he
was seen and observed by several Boys, who were there a washing: he
out-staid them all, and then dressed himself, and having brought out
with him two Hats and two pair of Shooes, and Stockings; he threw one
Hat into the Pond, and left one pair of Shooes and Stockings, by the
Pond side, and so went to a Neighbours house near home, and hid himself
in a Barn.

The Father being resolved to fetch him up the next morning, expected his
coming home that Night, but to no purpose, for he came not; and although
diligent inquiry was made among the Neighbour-hood, yet there was no
news to be heard of him. The Father was troubled, but the Mother much
more, not knowing what was become of him; early the next morning all the
Servants were sent out several ways to inquire after him; at length,
some of his Companions were met withal, who, upon inquiry told them,
that they had seen him the Evening before, in such a Pond; the Servants
hearing this, went thither, and there they saw the killing sight of the
hat, and shooes, and Stockings; they then concluded, as he intended they
should, that he was drowned; those remains of his being, as they
thought, but too sure Evidence of that fatal truth. They inquired no
further at present, but went home and told their Master, and Mistress,
the sad news of their Sons misfortune; he was much dejected at the
telling of that dismal Relation, but she was now as one distracted,
exclaiming against her Husband, whose severity towards her dear Son, she
said, had been the cause of this his unhappy Fate: her Friends could not
comfort her, neither could her Husbands perswasions work any thing upon
her, but that she would go to the place where her Son had perished. Her
Husband disswaded her against this, and promised that he would have the
Pond searched, and thereupon gave order to employ a couple of Fellows to
rake the Pond all over, but to no purpose; for although they were paid
for their pains, yet they lost their labour.

And now the Father finding that the Body of his Son was not to be found
dead, was in hopes that he might yet hear of him alive; and he
endeavoured to perswade his Wife into this opinion.

In the mean time our young Gentleman lay perdue in the Neighbours Barn;
and being provided with sufficient Provant, was as safe as a Thief in a
Mill; and although he was at that distance from home, yet he could hear
of the distraction his Father and Mother were in, for it was all the
News of the place, that Mr. _R_’s Son was drowned, to the great grief of
his Father and Mother: he was well pleased to hear that they were so ill
pleased; and thought now he should be revenged on them that were
resolved to be revenged on him; the consideration of his Mothers sorrow
was great joy to him, and he hoped to reap this benefit that he might
for the future rule, and reign in his Roguery; hoping that his Father
and Mother would leave him to his own dispose; lest he should hereafter
do that in earnest, that they would now find in jest; but thinking that
they had not as yet suffered enough for what they had made him suffer, a
two days imprisonment, whereas he had not been wanting above one day; he
was therefore resolved to stay there a little longer, but he was soon
after discovered: for being somewhat cleanly, and leaving his Lodging,
to go into the yard to untruss, one of the Family came and saw him; he
would have fled, but his Breeches being about his heels hindred him; so
that at the exclamation of that party who saw him, all the rest of the
Family where he was hid came out to him; and seeming joyed to see him,
asked him a hundred questions at once, to which he gave them never a
word of answer; but they minded not his humour much, but being joyful of
his safety, now spake of acquainting his Father and Mother therewith; he
knowing they would do so, and that quickly, told them that they might do
so; but withal he desired them to enjoyn his Father and Mother both, not
to ask him any questions, for if they did, he said he would not answer
them; and besides, it was likely it would be the worse for them and him
both. They hearing what he said, did not inquire into his reasons for
what he had said, but went home to his Parents, and told them how it
was. At this joyful news the Father was well pleased; but the Mother was
so overjoyed, that she could not contain her self from running to the
place where he was; and there she discovered the excess of her joy, by
the excess of her passion, which hurried her on to Extravagancies, in
embracing, and kissing her Graceless Son, who received her expressions
of Love with much indifferency and coldness: She did not observe that,
but took all at the best; and being joyed that she had him in her sight,
lead him home.

The Father being acquainted with his Son’s Injunction, that he must not
be asked any Questions, concluded from thence the true reason of it;
however, he dissembled his knowledge, and, to humour his Wife and Son,
said nothing to him, but commanded that he used no more of these tricks,
and that then all that had passed already should be forgotten. The Son
gave him the hearing, but was resolved to take his own swinge; and by
this occasion knowing the extreme love his Mother had for him, made very
ill use of it, venturing to do any thing though never so debauched. For
if his Mother did not give him enough, he would steal it from her, and
all her locking up from him was to as little purpose, as her Husbands
locking up from her; for her Son would frequently come at her money; and
she would as often come at the Old mans: who was so accustomed to be
dispossessed of what money he had by his wife, that sometimes the Son
met with it, and disappointed his Mother; but it was all as one, for
that if she did get it, it was but to bestow on him.

The Old man seeing that his Locks and Keys would not keep his money
secure, found out other inventions to hide it, which he did in ordinary
unsuspected places, as among the Sea-coals, or in some hole of the House
or Garden. But the Son one time met with a purse of ten pound; and that
being too much to be spent in one day, he staid out a whole week; his
Mother was now distracted as before, for his absence, but the father
soon missing his money, and believing that his Son had met with it, was
satisfied that he would stay abroad till it was spent, and so he did;
for at the weeks end he came home as confidently, as if he had done no
harm. Although his Mother, out of joy for the return of her Prodigal,
was well enough satisfied with his theft, yet the Old man once more was
resolved to correct him: and therefore getting him up into a Garret,
locked him up till such time as he might prepare himself for the
Correction he intended. This young Extravagant being thus incarcerated,
set his wits at work how to get out; at length he found a Gutter-window,
and saw that he might get out to the top of the House; this he resolved
to do, but withal he intended once again to put his Mother to the
fright; and thereupon searching the Garret, he found all sorts of
materials and utensils fit for his design; he first took an old Doublet
and Breeches, and stuffed them full of rags, straw, and such rubbish as
he could find, and then he took shooes and stockings and stuffed the
stockings full of bran; and making somewhat like a head, he put his hat
on it; and putting the Coat he wore over all this, he put a rope about
the neck of this Scare-crow, and so hanged it on one of the beams in the
Garret; when he had put his matters in this order, he sat down, and
being well pleased at his own invention, laughed as heartily now as he
knew his Mother would cry when she came to see it; and having thus
bestowed this Scar-crow, he got out to the top of the house, and sat
there _perdue_, expecting the event.

His Father being provided with all things necessary for the correction
he intended him, mounted up stairs, and with him a Neighbour whom he had
called to his assistance; and being come to the Garret-door, and having
opened it, he cried out, where are you, Sirrah, that I may correct you:
there was no answer, nor Son to be seen, (as he expected) walking; but
it was not long ere he saw him, as he supposed, hanging between Heaven
and Earth.

                  *       *       *       *       *

Although the Old man came with a resolution to chastise his Son, yet he
at this killing spectacle fell down, and appeared more dead than alive;
and the man who accompanied him, seeing the Son, as he supposed, hanging
quite dead, and the Father in little better condition, he ran down and
allarm’d the house with this deadly news.

The Mother, although she was ready to fall down dead with grief, yet her
distraction hurried her to the place of her Sons supposed execution,
that she might dye there; by such time as she was come thither, the
Father was come to himself, but was almost killed again with the bitter
words she gave him, telling him, he was her Sons murderer, calling him
wretched old Rogue, and using terms the most vile and outragious she
could imagine; and then she fell into a violent fit of crying, and
tearing her cloathes and hair, so that she seemed quite distracted: her
Son heard all this, and laugh’d at the conceit that his project had so
well taken; and the Mother, now in another fit, arising, went to catch
hold of her Sons body, which she supposed was hanging; but when she came
to it, thinking to grasp it, it being light, flew from her at the first
touch, and the hat falling off, it was soon discovered what it was.

All present were amazed at the contrivance: but the Mother still
continued crying out, if this be not, where then is my Son? At this all
sought about the room; and at length one looking out at a Garret-window,
saw him sit on the House-top; his mother was soon acquainted with this
pleasant news; to which she soon replyed, Oh, bring him in: but he
hearing her, replyed, that if his Father did not go down and leave
threatning of him, he would throw himself from the house-top, and kill
himself in earnest: the Father thinking that the desperate humour might
take him, was forced to be content; and so our young man descended the
house, and came in at the window, to the great joy of his sorrowful
Mother.



                               CHAP. XXI.

_Our young Extravagant Cheats his Father of more money by receiving
  Rent; which being spent, he returned home; and his Mother refusing to
  give him what money he desired, she being on Horseback behind him, he
  threatens to throw her into the water, and so he obtains it of her.
  The Old man dies, and he prosecutes his extravagancies upon Watermen,
  Coach-men and a poor Pudding; he also puts a trick upon a Barber; and
  plays a fine freack at a Coffee-house; and being Poetical, makes
  Verses on Canary._


By this Project our young man escaped the correction his Father intended
him; and not only so, but his Mother now looking on him, as one twice
risen from the dead, was so foolishly fond, as to hug and embrace him;
all this he took in good part, as knowing this fond humour of his
Mothers would turn to his advantage; for he having now put her twice to
this fright, she was fearful that the third time would prove fatal in
earnest; wherefore she now supplied him with Moneys to excess; and he
spent it as Prodigally, as he came by it lightly. But the good old man
keeping her short, her stock was not large enough to supply him in all
his excesses, and then the Old man led a weary life with his wife, till
she procured him to give her Son, who was now fifteen years of age, a
certain allowance: he demanded fifty pound a year, besides his Diet; but
this the old man said was unreasonable; and he alledged, it would be
more to the profit of his Son, and himself both, to put him out to be an
Apprentice to a good Trade; but neither the Mother nor Son would give
any hearing to this Proposition; but in answer to it, the Mother said
what, and have I but one Child, and must he be made a Servant? I scorn
it; sure you intend to make somebody else your Heir, some Bastards that
you have abroad, or else you would not offer to desire or think that
your only Son and Heir should be an Apprentice and make clean Shooes,
and sweep the Stret-doors; have I bred him up to this? Thus did the
Woman answer her Husband, and so put him by from ever making any more
such offers; and she alledging that her Son was now man enough to manage
an Estate of five hundred pound _per annum_; and that therefore his
Father might do well to intrust him with fifty pound _per annum_; but he
still alledging it was too much, and it would spoil him; at last, after
a long contest, forty pound _per annum_ was agreed on: The Old man now
intending thus much for his Son, gave him two Acquittances to go to two
of his Tenants to receive five pound a piece of them, it being their
last Quarters Rent.

The young man supposing himself a Landlord, went among the Tenants, and
intending to outwit his Father, managed his Affairs accordingly;
wherefore when he came to the place where some of his Fathers Tenants
dwelt, he went to a two Pot-house, and sent for three or four of them
which he best knew, and telling them that his Father had ordered him to
receive that Quarters Rent, withal produced the two Acquittances he had;
these two paid him presently, and the rest did so likewise, he telling
them that he had left their Acquittances under his Fathers own hand at
home; but that he would give them Acquittances with his hand to his
Fathers use, which would do as well. This excuse went as current, and
the Tenents were well pleased to pay their money to him, and thereby
hoped to ingratiate themselves with their young Landlord; and thus he
received twenty pound, instead of the ten pound intended; and had
received more of the other Tenants, if his Father, suspecting some such
matter, had not gone, and by his presence prevented it.

There he soon found what his Son had done; which however turned somewhat
to his advantage: for all the Tenants hearing their young Landlord had
been there, and expecting him to come again suddenly had provided all
the rent, hoping by that means to gain his good opinion, and a Treatment
to boot, as the rest had done: so that now the Old man received all the
rent at his first coming, whereas he was wont to come half a dozen
times. And now having received his rents, he went home to his Wife,
telling her, how their Son had served him; to which she replyed, that it
was no matter, for to her knowledge he was bare, and quite out of moneys
before, and that this would stock him. And now she having gained an
allowance for her Son, she never left her Husband, till he increased her
own, and gave her money to buy her some Clothes, as she pretended; and
all this was to lay up for her unlucky-Bird, who, as his Father said,
staid out till all was spent; and that was within so many days as he had
pounds: and he being rid of his money returned home to pillage his
Mother. He had made no spare of his Money so long as it lasted, in hopes
to receive more of his Fathers Tenants; but he came thither too late,
his Father having been there before him; so that being disappointed, he
came home, and very quietly he demeaned himself for some time.

But the humour of rambling again possessing him, he courted his Mother
for Money, she gave him some, but it was but sparingly, and he stomached
it, because he had no more. A few days after, his Mother was to ride to
_London_, to lay out some Moneys in necessaries; and she being desirous
of his Company, caused him to ride before her; they being thus mounted
together, put on very handsomly, till being come about half way, he
guided the Horse into a Pond; she wondring, asked him his reason; he
told her, only to water the Horse; but when the Horse was now in as far,
and as deep as he could go, he shewed her another reason, told her
another tale, and desired her to give him some money, she replyed, she
had none for him; he answered that he knew she had money about her, and
therefore he must and would have some; she said she had no more but what
she was to lay out, and if she gave him any she must lose her Journey;
he cared not for that, but told her, that if she did not give him some
Money, he would throw her into the Pond, and thereby enforce her to lose
her Journey; and he swore to it, that he would do it. She doubting that
he would be as good as his word, was forced to compound the matter with
him, and of five pounds, which she had about her, she hardly compounded
with him for fifty Shillings; which he would not take her word for, but
she was forced there, as she was on Horse-back, to deliver it to him,
and then he rode on, but although she had her Sons Company to _London_,
and paid so dear for it, yet she was forced to go home without him, he
being there engaged upon the Ramble for so long as that money would
last, and then home he came again; and this trick he would serve her as
often as he wanted money, and could get her on Horse-back behind him;
and as he gained, and filched from her, so she did the same from the Old
man and all little enough to maintain her Prodigal Sons extravagances,
and this was the course of life they all led.

The young man he spent largely, and pinched all he could from his
Mother; she cheated her Husband egregiously to supply his Prodigality;
and the old man he screwed all he could get, most shamefully and
penuriously, out of his Tenants, and Debtors, to supply them both. These
were his Tormentors, that still kept him in perplexity; and in the end,
what with Age, and grief at their miscarriages he dyed, leaving all
behind him to their disposing.

The Son was joyful, neither was the Mother discontented; and the Old man
had at his death, made as prudent a Will as he could devise: for knowing
that what he gave to the Mother, he gave to the Son; he dividing his
Estate into three parts, gave two to her, and one to him; hoping by such
time as he should have spent one third part, he might take up, and be
wiser; and then his Mother would be fit to give him another portion.

As soon as the old man was dead, order was taken for his Burial, which
was by the Mother and Sons appointment splendid enough; but although the
Son attended his Fathers Corps to the Grave, yet the Mother would not,
as pretending to be ill, and withal, that it was a thing not in fashion;
under this pretence she staid at home: but there was a greater and more
urgent cause; for she had a lusty Suitor who attended her, and him she
kept Company withal. The Son saw his Fathers Corps put into the ground,
and was so wretched, as to command the Grave-maker to put him deep
enough lest he should rise again; and now seeing his Fathers Body fast
enough, he went a Rambling, and that very night was taken in the Watch
at his return home; but being known, he was passed the Watch, and coming
home heard how his Mother had bestowed her time in his absence; this
raised some doubts and scruples in his mind, doubting, that she might,
and would marry and then defeat him of his expectations; wherefore,
although he was not yet twenty years of Age, yet he desired his Portion,
but that could not be; however such course was taken by some of his
Fathers Friends, that his Portion was secured for him; and in the mean
time it was agreed, that he should have a considerable allowance. But
all this did not please him: for although what was allowed him, was
sufficient to maintain him handsomly, yet he spent three times as much,
and ran into every Bodies score that would trust him; he was soon aweary
of his Mourning Apparel, and therefore in few Months threw that off, and
a Suit that cost fifty pounds was provided; in this he did vaunt it, and
Rant it about the Town, and all the loose Fellows of no Fortune were his
hangers on, or Companions. He spun away the time of his Non-age with all
impatience; but when the happy, and long-wished-for-day came, he was the
joyfullest man alive. By that time his Mother was married to the Suitor
who had put in so early; but being cunning (as most Widows are) she had
reserved her Sons Estate entire, and not only so, but a considerable
part of her own; so that her Husband had not above one third part of the
whole. And now her Son without any controul, demanded, and received his
full Portion; many hard words passed between Mother and Son on that
account, so that they fell out in earnest; and he taking what was his
due, gave her the good buy.

And now was the time come that he took his full swinge in all manner of
voluptuousness and debauchery. Taverns were the best places he
frequented, as having somewhat for his money: But that expence was not
deep enough; he hunted out and frequented all Houses of good fellowship.

All the most eminent _Bona Roba’s_ about the Town were of his
acquaintance; and he was not content to have their Company in common,
but searching out those that best pleased him, he took them from their
Publick Employment, and kept them for his own private pleasures,
disposing them in several places, as he had occasion to use them; and
commonly keeping three or four of these at Livery; and, which was worse
than all this, that he might put the sooner dispatch to his Estate, he
frequented Ordinaries, and Gaming Houses and there suffered himself to
be cheated to some purpose.

The Mother hearing of these his exorbitant extravagancies, went, and
sent to him (for he would not come to her) to disswade him from these
courses; but instead of that, he returned wild and extravagant answers,
upbraiding her with her sensuality in her second Marryage; and expressed
himself so rudely on that account, that I am ashamed to repeat it.

I will relate some particulars of extravagancies, because it exceeds all
that I have heard of. He went one time to the Temple-stairs, and
perceiving a great many Water-men, both Oars and Scullers, attending for
Fares, but more especially for the Lawyers of that place, to carry them
to _Westminster_, it being Term-time; and being resolved on a frollick,
to disappoint them, he hired all of them, to carry him, and two or three
of his Companions, to the Old _Swan_; so that when the Lawyers came to
take Boat, there was none for them; and they were forced to beat upon
the hoof, or be at the charge of Coaches.

Another time, he being importuned by Water-men, who usually clutter
about a Fare, striving who shall earn the money; and only having
occasion to cross the Water, he hired four of them to transport him just
over, and gave them six pence a piece for their pains; and then they
wanting other employment, he told them, that if they would fight with
one another, he would give them six pence a piece more; and he, to
invite them to it, caused them to quarrel with one another, and so to it
they fell lustily; he standing by, and laughing at them.

Thus did he use the Water-men; and he was extravagant with the
Coach-men; for sometimes, although he valued not his Money, yet he would
in a frollick, get out of the Coach, and leave them in the hurry to look
their pay-master; but if they knew, and met with him again, and demanded
it handsomly, he would pay them double.

He met with one Coach-man, a surly, dogged fellow, and he served him
accordingly; for he had been hurrying about, from one place to another,
to find out Company, all that Afternoon; and at night he demanded of the
Coachman what he must have; he replyed, eight shillings, which was too
much by three shillings; and he not being in the humour to part with his
money so slightly, and being withal very well acquainted with the prices
of Hackney-Coach-men, he, for that time, refused to give him his
demands; and the fellow began to be surly, peremptory, and sawcy; so
that he had a great mind to have beaten him: but seeing he was a rugged
fellow, he would not venture on that Revenge, but bethought himself of
another; which he thus effected.

Well, replyed he to the Coach-man, I will content you, before we part;
but now I think on it, I must go a little further, to such a place,
naming it. The Coach-man was content; and thereupon, he and his Servant
went into the Coach; it was now dark, it being Winter; and he had the
better conveniency of executing his project; which he did thus. He drew
out his Knife, and he, and his Man together did cut all the leather
round on the back of the Coach, leaving it hanging by the top; and by
this time being come to the place he appointed, he was there set down,
and gave the Coach-man his hire; who not perceiving the dammage done to
his Coach, departed; and our Gallant drinking a quart of Wine, and
calling for another Coach, was carried home.

The next day, the Coach-man, after much inquiry, found out our
Gentleman’s Quarters; and waiting his coming out, told him, that he had
done him forty shillings worth of dammage in cutting the Leather of his
Coach; he denied the fact, and bid him prove it: the other told him,
that he would take his oath of it before any Justice of the Peace; and
if (said he) you will not give me satisfaction, I will have you before a
Justice, and he will compel you to do it. Our Gentleman hearing him talk
so of the Justice, was resolved to frighten the Fellow, and out-wit him;
and therefore he replyed, Nay, then, if you talk of a Justice, you were
best have a care of your self, how you come there, lest I have you sent
to New-gate. For what? replied the Coach-man. You need not make so
strange of it, replyed our Gallant, you believe no body saw you
yesterday what you did in the field near _Putney_, where you carried me?
Why, what did I do? replyed the Coach-man. Why, you buggered a Sow
there, replyed our Gentleman. Oh Lord! said the Coach-man. And oh Lady
too! said our Gentleman, it is too true, and you will find it so to your
cost; both my self, and my man saw it, and will take our Oaths of it if
we go before the Justice. Our Gallants man hearing what his Master had
said, justified and averred the truth with an Oath; which put the poor
Coach-man into such a dump, that he went away with a flea in his ear,
and durst not insist upon our Gentlemans payment for the dammage done to
his Coach. This was the course our extravagant took; these were the
tricks he plaid; and in general, there was no manner of mischief but he
put in practice; and he so much prided, and gloried in doing so, that
although it were well known he was wicked enough, yet he would not talk
and boast of more than he had done; and there was no particular
debauched action, or extravagancy done in _London_, but he would boast
himself to be the Author of it, and imitate it to his power. He had
observed, that a poor woman sat at one of the City-Gates, and sold hot
pudding by the pound; he had a crotchet came in his Crown, to put a
trick upon this Woman; and therefore having a Companion with him, he
acquainted him with his intent, and desired his assistance. He who kept
him Company was as ready as his Worship for any mischief; and therefore
together they came to this poor woman, who was newly come with her
pudding piping hot from the Bake-house, and demanded the price; she told
them four pence a pound: he agreed to the price, and she weighed out a
pound: she had asked him what he would do with it? for she, seeing his
gaudy Clothes, and partly knowing him, said, that he would not eat it.
He replied, it was no matter to her what he did with it, so long as she
was paid for it. She knowing he had said true, delivered it to him in a
handkerchif. He having the pudding, drew out a six pence, and throwing
it on the ground, bid her take it up. She stooping so to do, his
Companion turned up her Coats, and he clapt the hot pudding to her naked
posteriors. The woman, feeling it hot, cryed out amain; but he still
held it there, and pressed it hard upon her, whereupon she leapt away
from them; and being sensible that she was scalded, she ran to the
kennel, and taking up her coats, clapt her bare buttocks in the dirt, to
cool and asswage the heat, whilst our Extravagant, and his Companion
marched off.

The woman was so paid off, that she could not follow her employment; and
acquainting her Husband with the matter, and the party who; he, the next
day, found him out, and demanded satisfaction for the dammage he had
done to his Wife. Our young man disowned the fact, and refused all
satisfaction: but the Good man was sure enough that it was he; for by
this time he had (according to his usual custom) bragged of this exploit
so that the man being in earnest, and telling him, that if he would not
pay for the Cure, and the dammage he sustained by his wives neglect of
her business, that he would arrest him, and compel him by Law. He
therefore in a humour gave the man twenty shillings, and so ended this
frollick of the Pudding-woman.

There hardly passed a day, but he was guilty of some frollick or other;
and if he had the humour of doing, he would go through with it, though
it cost his pockets never so dear: Some of his frollicks were somewhat
more harmless, but altogether as comical and pleasant. If he had heard
of any frollicks, though never so extravagant and old, he would attempt
to do the like; and many such he did only in imitation and to renew the
discourse of them. As for example: he was used to have the Barber, for
the most part, to come to him; and although he had no beard (for he was
never known to have above five hairs on one side of his face, and seven
on the other) yet he was usually shaved every day. But one day he went
to a Barbers to be trim’d, and sitting down in the Chair, the Barber
fell to his work. He intended to have some frollick with this Barber;
and the Barber gave him a very good occasion and opportunity: for the
Barber having occasion to make water, and being somewhat lazy, pissed
about his shop. Our Gallant asked his reason; and told him, it was a
nasty trick. To which the Barber pleaded, for excuse, that it was no
great matter, for he was to leave the shop in a weeks time, and to
remove to another, and therefore it would not annoy him much. This
action, and answer, fell out for our Gallant, as fit as pudding for a
Friers-mouth; and therefore he was resolved to prosecute his intended
project; and he did so tickle himself with laughing at the conceit he
intended, that the Barber could hardly shave him, without indangering
the cutting of his Throat or Chaps.

But that was done in time, and our Gentleman was delivered from the
imprisonment of the Chair, when in the prosecution of his intended
Project, he asked _Cutbert_ whether he had any sorts of sweet powder? He
shewed him what he had below, and that not pleasing him, he went up
stairs to fetch more: no sooner did he mount up the stairs, but down
went our Gallants breeches, and there in the middle of the Shop, he laid
the biggest load he could exonerate himself of. He made all the haste he
could, and just as the Barber descended down stairs, up went his
Breeches. The Barber, although he had sweet Powder in his hand, yet he
could not only smell, but see that there was somewhat in the Shop that
was not so sweet to the scent, nor pleasant to the sight; wherefore he
also asked his Customer his Reason for so doing? He replied, he had the
very same reason for disburthening himself, as he had; for said he, I am
to leave the shop presently, and it will not annoy me much. The Barber
seeing that he was beaten at his own weapon, made no reply, but was
forced to be content; and our Gallant left the Shop and the Barber; to
go among his Companions, to boast of this witty exploit. This was talk
enough for him for some days. But he still studied, by such time as one
was stale, to project and execute another; and it was not long after ere
he met with one altogether as extravagant, and much like the other.

Although he was a great Drinker, yet he did fight cunningly, and would
not let one drop of Wine go down his belly in the morning, nor hardly
admit of any mornings-draught though never so moderate; forbearing all
drinking, till the affairs of the Gut, the eating were over; and then,
as he used to say, it would do your heart good to see him take off his
Liquor, especially Sack, which was his chiefest delight; and he would
bear it very lustily, and with the help of a Coach get to his Lodging in
very good order.

But one time he had missed and omitted this custom, and drank all day
without eating, so that the next morning his belly and head were both
filled with airy humours, his belly asked and croaked, and his head was
giddy, wanting settlement; wherefore, some Friends who came to visit
him, advised him to drink some _Coffee_; he believing that in regard it
was to be drunk hot, that it might heat his Guts, and qualifie his brain
went to a _Coffee_-house with them; where being sat down, and having put
two warm dishes full into his Guts, it made him break wind forwards and
backwards both; at which unusual noise among so many people as were
there together, he was more than usually stared at; he minded not their
staring, but continued in drinking; and withal observed the several
postures used in drinking their _Coffee_; some he saw laid their Nose,
some their eyes, nay, and some their ears to the _Coffee_-dish, to let
the smoak, or fume of the _Coffee_ ascend; at this unusual sight he
asked the reason of it; and it was generally replyed, that it was an
excellent remedy against the Cold which they had gotten in those parts;
he hearing them say so, had an extravagant humour come into his brain;
and I dare say, if the Company would have given him twenty pound, he
would not have forborn the execution of it; but thus proceeded: He
called for the largest Dish of _Coffee_ in the house; it being filled,
he set it in the middle of the _Coffee_-room, and letting down his
Breeches, he turned up his shirt, and placed his Bum just over the
_Coffee_-dish. All the Company wondring and laughing at this
Extravagancie; he cryed out, Nay, Gentlemen, you need not laugh so hard,
for I do no otherwise then you have directed me, for you all say
_Coffee_ is good for a Cold, and to your knowledg my _Podea_ had gotten
a Cold, for it coughed since I came in hither; and therefore do but as I
was directed, to let the fumes of the _Coffee_ asend to the place
affected. Having now had his frollick, he put up his Breeches, and
sitting down among the Company, gave them all occasion to exercise their
eyes in staring on him; and he again entertained them with such
fantastical discourse, as made them believe that he was more Knave than
Fool, and enough of both.

You may judge by this (said Mrs. _Mary_) of the rest of his
Extravagancies; and this was the dayly exercise of his wit, which (as
you may understand) was not barren in inventing all manner of
debaucheries; and indeed, had he had somewhat to exercise his wit on
that which was ingenuous or good, he must have been succesful enough,
for he had a strong memory, for he retained all he read, he never forgot
the least, or slightest story that he had once read over: he read but
little, and that was of the pleasantest sort of reading, books of
Knight-Errantry; and of them he knew all, and could relate all the
stories, from _Tom Thumb_ to _Amadis de Gaule_, and the Mirrour of
Knight-hood. All the _Palmerins_, and _Primaleons_, he knew as well as
if he had gon to School with them; he knew the Father, Son, and
Grandfather; and frequented Booksellers Shops only to inquire for more
parts of those Histories. Don _Bellianis_ of _Greece_ was a brave Knight
with him; and he was wont to say, that it was great pity that some
Ingenuous Pen did not prosecute the adventure of that honour of Chivalry
in a second part: he was intended to have done it himself, if he could
but have spared so much time. From this History he proceeded to
_Cassandra_ and _Cleopatra_; but those _Hero’s_ and Ladies were of too
strict and virtuous an inclination for his converse: the loose _Galaor_,
Brother to St. _Amadis_, was a man for his Money, being one who was a
general lover of all Ladies. He had also read over _Orlando Furioso_ in
verse; and was very much in love with mine Hosts Tale to _Rodamant_, of
the loosness of Women; this he commended above any thing in the book;
and in all his readings he imitated the Spider, and not the Bee, in
sucking the Poison, not the Honey from them. By means of this converse
with Poetical books, he was so much infected with Poetry, that he could
versifie and ryme indifferently; and being in love with Canary, he
bestowed some time in composing these Verses on that Divine Liquor.


                         An Encomium on Canary.

          T_hou glory of this glorious Nation._
          Spains _best Child, her Pride, her Reputation:
          Her_ India, _her_ Peru, _her best Wealth;
          Thou art Fortune, Pleasure, Riches, Health,
          Companion to the Worthies, giving birth,
          To_ Hector _Valour, and to_ Cæsar _Mirth:
          Nay, and sometimes sole Commander
          Of the Worlds All-commanding_ Alexander.

            _Ye Muses guide unto the pleasant Spring,
          Where you inchanting sit, and chanting sing
          Such Roundelays, that those which do draw near,
          Are no more fed by th’ eye, but by the ear.
          There is no Musick, nought that cheers the heart,
          If Don Canary does not bear his part._

            _Gazing Astronomers had never found
          How the great Axle of the World wheels round
          Had they not tasted Sack: ’tis Sack’s the eye
          Of solid Logick, and Philosophy.
          Nay, be you ne’re so strongly grounded,
          If you contend with Sack, you’l be confounded._

            _Your Learn’d Physitians, famous for their skill,
          Give Drugs to others whom they mean to kill;
          But mark them who so please, in hugger-mugger,
          They cure themselves meerly with Sack and Sugar.
          Should we to former Ages but look back,
          There you should find the strange effects of Sack:_

            _Shall I ascend to_ Jove, _the Heavens Protector?
          What is that drink call’d by the Poets, Nectar?
          Was’t not Canary? yes, there’s nothing truer,
          For all men know, that_ Bacchus _was his Brewer:
          Who by Canary, as its poetis’d,
          Became a God, and was Immortalliz’d._



                              CHAP. XXII.

_Our Extravagant uses strange wayes to raise moneys; which being got in,
  he takes a journey into the Countrey, marries, and returns; meets with
  one of his Companions, who laid a wager about their Footmens drinking:
  he being indebted to our Extravagant, and not in a capacity to pay him
  till his Fathers death; he projects a way to kill the Father; and not
  come within the compass of the Law; he undertakes and performs it.
  This Extravagant’s answer to his Mother; and his getting a suit of
  Clothes of a strange Taylor. He cheats at the water-side, and cheats
  Gentlemen of several Cloakes, which he sells to a Broker, who upon
  some discontent claps him in a prison, where he again expresses his
  Poetry._


Our Gallant thus exercised his wit, and spent his time; and as this Old
man, the Father, had in his latter years employed his whole wit and
industry in gaining of moneys, and enlarging his Estate; so the Young
man, the Son, employed all his in spending, and lessening it. The
Fathers ways of getting money was by usury; and the Son, on the
contrary, was so great an hater of that vice, and sin of usury, as he
termed it, that he would not receive any; and being desirous to raise a
great sum of money together, he sent to his Debtors, and told them that
if they would by a certain time, then to come, bring him in his
principal money, he would forgive them all interest. There were few of
them that stood out; for the Father having been wary in disposing his
money on good security, the Son had the less trouble to gather it in;
and few of the Debtors failed to bring in our Prodigals Money, and take
up their bonds. Some there were whose debts were considerable and large,
and they could not provide their Moneys by the time, but lost that
advantage: but again some of them gained more considerably then the rest
had done; for he by this means believing that all those debts that were
not paid him were desperate and bad, he fell to selling and assigning
them; which the Debtors hearing of, although they could not raise the
ready money themselves, yet the Security being good, they procured
Friends to lay down the Moneys, and compounded the Debts for some two
thirds, some three quarters, some more, some less, he being willing to
take, and unwilling to refuse all Moneys that he could thus bring in.
And by this means being master of a considerable sum of Money, and being
of his _London_ frollicks, he resolved for the Countrey; and providing
himself with choice of Geldings, and variety of Rich Clothes for
himself, and new Liveries for his two Servants, he took his journey. I
cannot give you any particular account of his transactions in the
Countrey, because it was at too great a distance; but in general, I
heard he plaid over his old freaks, the second part to the same tune:
but this I know, that passing for a man of a great Estate, and being
plentifully furnished with Moneys, he was admitted into the Family of a
Person of Quality; where, however he carryed himself abroad, yet at home
he was so civil, as that courting the Daughter, he obtained her and her
Friends consent to a Marriage. They questioned not his Estate, (which
they knew had been considerable) because he demanded no portion: and
thus was our wild Gallant become a staid man, if Marriage would make him
so; but although it might operate somewhat at first, yet that good humor
held him not long for he was soon weary of any thing that was good; and,
as I heard his wife being so, he was the sooner weary of her: and
therefore, and because the Money he had brought with him was spent and
gone, he was then again for _London_. I suppose he engaged himself to
return speedily; but he who never kept any ingagement, was sure to break
that: And now being come to _London_, he visited all his old Friends;
but there was not one word of the pudding; he would not own the
alteration of his condition, but had a mind still to pass for a
Batchelor; for under that notion he might practise his debaucheries the
more freely; for he did intend to cheat any maid, that would be so
easie, of the most precious Jewel they had; whether he did, or how many
fell into his snare, I know not; but he boasted of many such conquests.
He being now come to _London_, and his errand Money, Money he would
have; and therefore he summoned all the remaining Debtors to make sudden
payment.

Although he had already received several considerable sums, and that
more than he had present occasion to make use of; yet not one good turn,
or courtesie would he do any man, though never so near and dear to him:
he had rather spend 40_s._ to make a man drunk, than lend him 20_s._

                  *       *       *       *       *

But there was one, a certain Companion of his, who was almost as
debauched as himself, and would have been altogether so, had he had the
means to have done it. This Person having a Father alive, whom he would
willingly have exchanged for a dead one; and whom he was very desirous
to have kneel in Brass, or lean in Marble: This Father was a great
trouble to our young man’s proceedings and our Gallant having consider’d
his case, as it had been formerly his own, being desirous to propagate,
and assist in the work of deformation, had at several times furnished
him with the sum of fifty pounds; and now he being resolved to have at
all, get in all he could, gave this Friend a summons, who failed not to
meet him at the time, and place appointed with money for a drinking
bout, though not to pay Money. They set to it lustily, and drank off
their Sack very stoutly; and whilst our two young Gentlemen were thus
employed, their Servants were not idle. Our Gallant was now attended but
by one of his two Foot-men; and the other, who had also a Foot-man, or
Attendant, who was acquainted with the other; and they having been for
some time separated by reason of our Gallants Journey, and now having
met again, were so joyful to see themselves alive, that they drank of
their Sack as fast as their Masters: They had leave to do so, and might
call for what they pleased. Our Gallant having occasion to go into the
next Room, there found his Man, and the other engaged in hot service;
but observed, that his Man being the stouter drinker of the two, had the
better on it, and was the likeliest so to hold it; wherefore a conceit
came into his head, and then out it must; thereupon, he called his
Companion to him, and shewed him their Servants; he was as well pleased
as the other, and encouraged his man to hold out; our Gallant hearing
him say so, cryed, _Bear up_, Jack, _for I’le hold a piece of your
head_; done, said the other.

But although here was a great wager to be lay’d, yet there was no sound
bargain, nor Witness; and they hardly understood what they intended,
till the Master of the house was called up; and then he seeing there was
like to be somewhat to his advantage, made this fair proposition (as he
called it) that the two fellows should drink on, and he who first gave
out, and was foyled, his Master should pay the Reckoning: Content, said
one; content, said another; and withal, lose a piece, to be spent to
morrow: They both agreed to this motion; and drawing out their Moneys,
the Land-Lord kept stakes, and the Fellows still held on their drinking,
neither were the Masters idle; and they all plyed their gears so well,
that they could not remove their Quarters, but were all four inforced to
stay there all night; only our Gallant had the honour of the day, for
his man had quite knock’d down the other, and had laid him fast asleep;
and he being on the ground stradled over him, like St. _George_ over the
Dragon, and drank off three Beer glasses of Sack in token of triumph;
and then they were all carried to their Beds. The next morning they
found themselves more sensible then they had been the night before; but
being in a Tavern, and remembring that there was 20_s._ in bank, there
was no remedy, but that they must of necessity take a hair of the old
dog; and therefore to it they went again, but with more sobriety then
the day before; for our Gallant, who commanded in chief, had no mind to
drinking, it being against his Custom to drink in a morning; and besides
that, he intended to propose the matter of money to his Companion, so
that they drank but moderately; and our Gallant broke the ice by telling
his Companion, that upon a certain accident that had lately fallen out,
he had occasion to raise a sum of money, and therefore he desired the
other to help him to that which he had formerly lent him. The other
briskly replyed with an Oath, that he asked him impossibilities; that
there was not such a sum as 50_l._ in Nature, nor could he expect to see
so much together, till the happy day of his Fathers death; and then said
he, if that long looked for day would but come, I will not only pay that
sum, but all else I have shall be at your dispose.

Our Prodigal knew well enough that he should hardly get his Money till
the old fellow was dead, but however he thought to urge it to see if he
could perswade him to cheat his Father of such a sum, but the other
replying he could not and that it was impossible to out-wit him, well
reply’d our Gallant since that Jest will not take let us think of
somewhat else, is the old fellow good conditioned? does he give you
money enough to spend? truly replyed the other, he is very kind to me,
for he allows me pretty largely, knowing that besides Wine and good
company; there are such transitory things as women to be had; for
keeping a good Girl himself, who is an old Knave, he knows the necessity
of those mortals for us that are young. How, replyed our blade, does he
keep a Wench? then I have a sure expedient to make him tip off the perch
in a short time. You may be deceived replyed the other, for as he is
old, so he is tough and hath been a long time accustomed to _Venus_
Wars. Well that matters not, reply’d our Gallant but if you will double
my money, (for I must be at some charge) I will undertake and warrant to
send your Father into the other world in a very short time. No reply’d
the other I will have no hand in Murther especially there being
Parricide in the case. I tell thee, reply’d our undertaker, there shall
be no hazard of the Law, no not so much guilt lye upon you nor me,
whether as Physitians (who are authorized to kill) are guilty of to
their Patients, and shall be both safe and sure. Well how is it then
reply’d our Companion. You say, said our Gallant, your Father is very
old, and loves a Wench. Why then said our undertaker, all my business is
but to know this Wench and be acquainted with her, and then the business
is done, and that without fail. Thus much he told his Companion, but
would not (though he importuned him) tell him any thing more. And
thereupon he seeing that he could not at present get any thing more out
of him, and withal assuring him that there was no danger in Law; the one
concludes to act, and the other to assist in the enterprize. Accordingly
that very afternoon our Extravagant was conducted by his Companion to
the place where his Fathers Lady of pleasure resided. This young Woman
whom he was so desirous to be acquainted withal lived with one that was
more antient, and whom she called Aunt, and they two together with a
Maid-servant that attended them both made up this little Family, in
regard she lived thus privately, he found it would be more difficult
then ordinary to get access, but the next day an opportunity fell out
very convenient. For the old man (according to his custom) having sent
in Provision for Dinner, came at noon to Dine with his Mistress, and
about three of the Clock he and his Mistress and the Old Woman resolved
on a walk. Our undertaker was so diligent that he attended them at some
distance, and they going into a Publique house, he also went thither and
took a Room next to their’s. The Old Man treated his Mistress with Cakes
and Ale, and such other Provision as the place afforded, and after they
had sufficiently regalled themselves, the old man he must go about an
affair of importance, and therefore he must leave them. Our Undertaker
was glad to hear of that, and expected the happy minute of his
departure, but he found that they all left the house together, wherefore
he put himself in the way that they were to come, and walking softly
permitted the two Women to overtake him. He being a sufficient Courtier
wanted not pretence sufficient to enter himself into their company, and
the Women were not so reserved as to distaste or dislike the proffered
service of his meen and quality.

The walk they were to take er’e they came to their quarters was
considerable and thereby he had the opportunity to discourse with the
young beauty, which was not only handsom but of a pleasant conversation.
He knowing how far their journey reached offered them a Glass of Wine.
The young woman wholly declined the proposition, wherefore he applyed
himself to the Old one; and her he over-ruled, so that they put in at
the next Tavern. He promised them only one quart of Wine, but they drank
three or four e’re they parted, he did so Court the old Woman that she
took off her liquor freely, and made her so open hearted that she
discovered many of her copious secrets with the Old Man, who also
simpered at the writal of them, our Gallants chief business being to win
the young woman, thought that the nearest way to do it, was to gain the
Old, and therefore he not only plyed her with Wine but gave her some
halfe-crown pieces, at the sight of this she called him Son and told him
he should be welcome.

He pulling out his money discovered some fair Medals which he shewing to
the young woman, and she seeming to like, he forced her to accept of
them, thus he having laid the bait, did not question but the Fish would
in time be taken, he only waited on them to their Lodgings that night,
but promising to revisit them the next day, neither was he worse then
his word, but before hand he sent several bottles of Wine.

And at this second converse he made so large a progress in his business,
that he discovered that she was not displeased with his Company; He
finding her thus easie, proceeded as far as he could with her to the
main point, but she checked him there, being resolved not to be won so
easily; but he resolving not to make Childrens Shoes, followed so close
that he brought her to his bent, and received the satisfaction he
desired, She not distrusting the mischief that was intended her, gave
him all freedom with her, and he was seldom out of her Company but when
the Old Man had appointed to be with her, our undertaker still resolving
on his project ventured on one of the desperatest discourses that has
been heard of.

                  *       *       *       *       *

It is not to be questioned but that he who had been so Universal a
Courtier of Women, and that of all sorts, had met with those one time or
another that had paid him off, and he was used to brag himself to be
more then a Gentlemen, for he had been oftner then three times at
_Haddam_, he was so well acquainted with all the effects of that
disease, and the Remedies against it that he made nothing of it, and he
knew several of his _quondam_ Ladies who were then well peppered, to one
of these he went, and it was not very difficult for him to purchase that
of them which they would very gladly be rid off: and therefore he easily
attained his desires, and being thus accompanied, he went to his fresh
Mistress, and made her participate in that disease which she had till
then been a stranger to, and the Old Man coming soon after in his turn
and thinking to have his pleasure with her, had it for the present, but
was so paid off that entring into a course of Physick to cure himself of
his disease, he was brought so weak that he fell into another though
less troublesom yet more dangerous, which was not long in operating its
desired effects, for it carried him to his Grave. And thus did our
undertaker perform his undertaking, and his Companion was so much a
Gentleman as to perform his promise to give the sum of Mony for his
reward that had been agreed upon, and our undertaker who had only made
use of this young Woman as an Instrument to bring his purpose to effect,
caused the young man to give her a reward for what she had unknowingly
endured and done.

His Companion was now the better man as having the more Money; but our
Gallants stock held out to spend with him, and neither of them made any
spare. Our Gallants Mother hearing of his lewd courses, took some of her
old Husbands acquaintance and found him out, she and they perswaded him
to take up before all were spent, using many arguments to induce him to
good Husbandry, and propounding some course for him to take to redeem
himself; but he was deaf to all perswasions, and only flouted and
laughed at them; telling them that he was resolved to make his dead
Father a Lyar, for I remember (said he) that some Friends telling him in
his life time I would spend his Estate after his death, he answered that
so I might if I would, but he was certain that I would never take so
much pleasure in spending it, as he had in getting it. And therefore
said he I am resolved to enjoy my full swing in all manner of pleasures,
that I may disprove him, and besides (continued he) do you think I am
mad to preserve or keep any part of that Estate that was so unlawfully
gained by penury and Usury; no such matter, for I am sure it would be to
no purpose to attempt it, for I know I shall never thrive while I enjoy
any part of it. His Mother and Friends hearing his resolution, by this
his Extravagant answer, left him; and he prosecuted his old course of
Life so long, that he began really to want Money, and had still spent
his Money before he could receive it, some Debts he had still owing him,
which supplied him sometimes by fits and girds. He had dealt with a
Taylor who had taken much money of him, and gained well by him, but he
still paid him one under another, and was still in his debt for the
last, this Taylor seeing his Extravagancy, and doubting that in the
winding up of the bottom he might loose as much as he had gained, waited
on him very diligently for his Money, & pretended such urgent occasions
for Mony that he in the end got clear with him.

Our Gallant then desired some more new cloathes, but he gave him only
good words and put him off from time to time, till one day our Gentleman
meeting this Taylor in Company, asked him why he was not so good as his
word to make him a new suit, for said he you know I have been no ill
Customer, I owe you nothing: it is confessed (replyed the Taylor) you do
owe nothing, but Sir there is a reason and that a very considerable one;
why I do not care to deal with you, nor no others of your temper, what
reason reply’d our Gallant, this (reply’d the Taylor) you do pay me, but
you do call for my Bill, and pay me so suddenly after I have delivered
the Cloaths that I have not conveniency to gain so much by you as I do
by other Gentlemen, who staying a great while after their Cloathes are
made, and indeed till they are worn out e’re they ask for a Bill, or
talk of payment, I have the conveniency to enlarge what and how I please
because it is forgot what was used, and they being worn out they have
not the conveniency of comparing the Bill and cloaths together, this
continued the Taylor is a sufficient reason why I do not care for
dealing with you further, thus did this Taylor make his excuses which
reflecting rather on his own ill dealing then our Gallants, it passed
very well with the Company, and our Gallant understanding that his
credit was justified could not be angry, but however he knew the Taylor
meant quite contrary to what he had said, and he finding his credit
would go no further there, and some of his Companions hearing this
discourse with him and his Taylor, thought that the Taylor had been mad,
and engaged our Gentleman to make use of his, and his Taylor upon the
report of this, soon provided him with such Cloathes as he desired, but
he did not find the discourse made good for he was forced to wait a long
time for his Mony, and now he had spun a fair thread his mony was almost
all gone, and being Monyless he was inforced to look out some
melancholly place to spin away the time in, upon this account he was a
great frequenter of the Temple-walks, which were pleasant, melancholly,
and withal safe, for there he was out of danger of being arrested, which
he began now to dread, and this walk turned him to a more profitable
account as I shall presently relate to you; one day he being very
melancholly in his ordinary walk at the Temple, sees one who had
Lodgings in that house who was of his acquaintance, they salute each
other, and so walk about for some time, at length, the Gentleman tells
our Extravagant, that he must beg his pardon, for he could no longer
walk with him, being ingaged to cross the water about an affair of
Consequence; it then happened to rain, and therefore our Extravagant
told him sure Sir you will not go before the Shower is over; that
matters not much, replyed the Gentleman, for I will send for my Cloak,
and thereupon called for a Porter and directed him to his Chamber, to
command his servant to send his Cloak, the Porter went and fetched it
accordingly, and so the Gentleman putting it on, departed.

Our Extravagant observing this accordingly, and now being in _Querpo_
without a Cloak, thought he had a fair expedient to get one, and if he
were discovered it would pass for a Frolick, whereupon he calls a Porter
and sends him to a chamber, whose Master was of his acquaintance, and
whom he saw was newly gone out, and ordring the Porter to fetch his
Cloak from thence, named himself the Master of the Chamber; the Porter
went, and the Servant who attended in the Chamber knowing that his
Master was but newly gone out, and believing he might have occasion for
his Cloak, delivered it to the Porter who carried it to our Extravagant,
who now having a Cloak marched off, being provided for against a shower
of Rain that then happened, but withal he knowing it would be dangerous
to wear that Cloak which was remarkably known among his aquaintance,
having Gold Buttons, he marched to _Long-Lane_, and exchanged it for a
Coat of a different colour, and had Money to boot, and now having
succeeded so well in this first attempt and being resolved to try
further, he thought fit to acquaint this Broker that he had several
Cloaks that he would exchange or sell to him. The Broker replyed he
should be very welcom, and he would deal very honestly with him, and so
he left him, and the next day he plyed his business, so that in the
manner aforementioned, taking his due observations, gained three Cloaks
more, and before the week was at an end he had ten or twelve, being
Master of so many Cloaks he dealt with his Broker, and exchanged for a
very handsom suit and Cloak, and a pretty sum of money in his Pocket,
and now he was set up again.

He again marches to the Gaming House, and there in short time looses all
his ill purchased Wealth, and now the loss of so many Cloaks together,
having been so much talked of by the Owners, he thought it would be to
no purpose to attempt that trick any further, but knowing he had a
Merchant his Broker, who would deal with him for any thing of Cloaths,
he went to the Play-house, and there he nim’d off the Gold Buttons from
Cloaks, and the Gold and Silver Lace from Gentlewomens Petycoats, nay
sometimes he would cut off great part of the Petticoats, and this trade
he did drive a long time, and as fast as he was Master of any such
purchase he sold it to the Broker who received all that came, and
although he knew our Extravagant could not come honestly by these
purchases, yet he still encouraged him to bring him more.

And was so kind to him that being arrested by his Landlord for five
pound for Lodging and Diet, he furnished him with the some, and set him
at liberty, he promising to repay him in a short time, by such things as
he should bring in. But he being at liberty and following his old Trade,
and finding that although he brought much grist to the Mill, still
carried some of his Commodities to the Broker, yet he had but little
money of him, for in the first place he gave him less price, and then
withal stop’d most part of the money for the old Debt, he considering of
this was resolved to leave the Broker and make the best of his markets
elsewhere, and so he did; but the Broker soon discovered him, and in
revenge caused him to be arrested and clapt up into the Counter, from
whence he had lately redeemed him.

Our Extravagant bearing close enough sent to his Mother, but she was as
deaf to him as he had been to her, and was resolved to let him bite on
the bridle, wherefore he being weary of that Prison, and understanding
that _Ludgate_ was far better, resolved to remove himself thither, but
first he again tryed what his Mother would do, but she although the Debt
was but four pounds would not pay it, but if he could get off for forty
shillings, she gave him some hopes that she would disburse it, but the
Broker was inexorable, would have all or none which he understanding, in
a humour writ these Lines.

           _Oh how with misery I my Mothers Darling
           To be thus chackled but for four pound_ Starling,
           _By a base Broker who I know’s a thief,
           And merits_ Newgate _and wants relief,
           And now I’m forc’d to go Guds Dud
           To the dwelling of that old King_ Lud.
           _If e’re I pay him I am soundly cheated,
           If I ne’re pay him then he is defeated,
           But if he will take half the debt for whole,
           My Mother then i’m sure will pay the Cole._



                              CHAP. XXIII.

_Our extravagants wild humours whilst he is in the Compter, from whence
  he being released falls into the Company of House-Breakers, and by
  their assistance robs a Milliners Shop where the Constable kept his
  Watch._


Thus did necessity cause our Extravagant to be witty, and he shewing
these Verses to some friends they promised to assist him with his
Mother, but she rather chose to maintain him in Prison then pay the
debt, all the small moveables, as Cloak, Sword and Belt, Half-Shirts,
Bands, Caravats, and all other things that he could spare, he parted
from and converted them into Ale. Some friends one Fast day went to see
him, and he being glad of Company caused them to stay most part of the
day, but it being Fast-day, the Parson belonging to the Compter,
according to custom gave the Prisoners a Sermon, during that time the
Cellar door was shut up, no drink was delivered out, all were ingaged to
assist and hear the Parson, our Extravagant was very much troubled at
this obstruction in his drinking, and his friends could not perswade him
to any patience, but he when the Parson was in the middle of his Sermon,
looking out at a Window neer the Pulpit heard him say I have two or
three points more and then I conclude, I would you would said our
Extravagant that we might have some drink. The Parson stared at him, and
so did the people who were near him and heard his words, but he seeing
the Parson went on, turned away, saying come since we can have no drink,
lets take Tobacco till we can, and so went away.

_The Parson after he had done preaching, came to our Extravagant to
examine him privately, but his answers were so Extravagant that there
was no good to be done with him, and now not having any employment he
gave himself wholly to fudling, and when he had not Money, and his
Mothers allowance was spent, he spunged with all Companies, and got
acquainted with all the Prisoners that came into the house, and this his
Imprisonment did make him worse, for he conversed with all the debauched
persons that were there, and now he could not act, he gloryed in the
Relation of his former lewd debaucheries, so that at length his Mother
at the perswasion of friends agreed and paid his Debt and Charges, and
took him home to her house._

_By reason of his confinement, he had contracted a disease, wherefore it
was necessary for him to stay within doors for some time, and take
Physick, but he being restored to his former health, was a suitor to his
Mother for new Cloathes and Money in his Poket, she refused him both for
the present, not thinking it fit as yet to trust him, wherefore he gave
her very ill words._

                  *       *       *       *       *

_Thus you may see what a hopeful amendment here was, and as he was
debauched himself, so I believe it was his desire that his Son should be
so; for as I told you he had been married in the Countrey to a person of
Quality, but he had basely left her and rambled about the Town, and
though he heard soon after his coming to_ London _that she was brought
to bed of a boy, he took no heed nor care about it, but when he was
asked by friends whether he had not a desire to see his young Son, he
replyed, no, he cared not to see him till he was about thirteen or
fourteen years of age, and then he only desired that he might see him to
enter him at a Baudy-house._

                  *       *       *       *       *

_By this discourse you may judge of his inclination, and his Mother now
refusing him money, he would purloyn a silver Spoon or some other piece
of plate, and convert it into Pocket mettle, and being once furnished
with money he would go seek out Company. Those that had any grace or
honesty would refuse to accompany him, and therefore he got into the
company of such Bulkers and Pick pockets as he had known whilst he was
in the Counter, and now he employed his industry in contriving ways with
them to get a purchase, and being one day at a Milliners or Haberdashers
shop, who was related to him, he asked the Master to lend him half a
piece, he refused him the money, but gave him very good counsel, if he
had had the grace to receive it, and make use of it as he ought. But it
was to as little purpose to speak to him at that rate, as it had been to
endeavor to wash the Black-more white, both labour in vain, and our
Extravagant was so angry at his friend for it; that he told him that he
might have found somewhat else to do, and since he had not, he would ere
long find him some other imployment, somewhat else to talk about, and so
left him; and now being resolved what to do, he went and found out some
of his forementioned acquaintance, Bulkers or House-breakers, and
telling them he had a great desire to assist them in robbing of the
Milliners shop, which he told them was very well furnished with good
ready Mony, Commodities, Silk and Silk ribboning, Gloves and such like
wares, they liked the design well enough, and now they asked him the
place where, but here appeared a very great obstacle; for this Milliners
shop was in such a place as was very difficult to be robb’d, it being
the very next door to the Watch-house, where the Constable and watch
generally sat. This they told him would be dangerous to attempt; but he
affirming the more danger the more honour,and that he was resolved it
should be done, and he knew how to do it handsomely if they would be
ruled by him; they promised their assistance to the execution of this
design. It was necessary there should be five or six persons, wherefore
they making up that company, and he being one of that number, and all
things provided according to his order and directions, about ten of the
Clock at night they set forwards. They divided themselves into two parts
or companies and our Extravagant and two others that went into an
Ale-house at some small distance from the Watch house. There they called
for drink, and soon began their work, which was to quarrel with one
another, they were armed with swords, then they drew and began a
scuffle, one of the three runs up to the Watch, and cries out_ Murther,
Murther; _The Constable hearing the noise, and doubting there might be
sufficient cause, took all his Watch-men to attend Him, but he found no
great trouble to appease this quarrel, which being ended, he with his
Watch returned to his Rendezvous: In this time the other three had not
been idle, but so soon as ever the Constables back was turned, they
broke open the Shop Door they intended to rob, and it was not very
difficult so to do, for it was not so strongly barricado’d, as otherwise
it might have been, because of the safety the owner thought he was in,
by reason of the Constables sitting there._

_The Shop being opened they laid about them, and knowing where the best
Commodities lay, they soon removed them, and not packing them up so
handsomely as the Owner would have done for his Customer, they only
threw them together into two Sacks they had brought, which being filled,
away they marched; so that by such time as the Constable and Watch
returned, they had dispatched their business and were gone._

_The Constable before morning discovered the Shop Door to be open, but
did suppose it had been left so, by the negligence of them that shut it
up, wherefore he left two Watchmen at the Door to guard it. The next
Morning the Master came and wondred to see a Guard upon his Door, asked
the reason. They told him what they supposed, but he found it much
otherwise, and although there were his Drawers and Boxes, yet they were
empty, there were the Nests but the Birds were flown, immediately a Hue
and Cry went out against those parties they could describe, but to
little purpose, for they escaped, and were far enough off from being
discovered. The next day they shared their prize, and converting it into
Mony, our extravagant’s share came to above 25l. and now that he was
possessed of so considerable a Sum of Mony, he was desirous that all the
world should know it, and therefore it being inconvenient to carry so
much about him in Silver, he changed 20l. into Gold._



                              CHAP. XXIV.

_Our Extravagant puts a notable cheat upon a Merchant for_ 100l. _He and
  one of his Companions being at a Washerwomans see her handsomly
  revenged on a Bayliff._


Our Extravagant being Master of this Money, and knowing the difficulty
of getting more, was resolved to look out betimes. He was drinking with
some Friends at a Tavern neer the Exchange, _London_, and it being the
busie time of the day, Exchange time, several Companies were put into
one Room though at several Tables: He was not so busie in attending the
discourse of his own Company, but that he gave great attention to what
was said by that Company who sat at the next table. He soon understood
that their discourse was about Money; and that one of the Company
expected _Two Hundred Pounds_ to be paid him by and by. He hearing that
there was business of that consequence began to contrive within himself,
how he might be Master of some of it; many contrivances he had, and many
fancies ran in his brain, but none would do, none would take at present,
however he and his Company still drank on, and that so long that the
promised 200_l._ was brought thither and paid to the Person, who was
there ready to receive it. The Money being paid, he who was now Master
of it, delivers it to a servant that attended him, and ordered him to
carry it home, and deliver it to his Mistres, he further observed that
this Money was intended to be suddainly paid away again, for part of a
Ship, which he then agreed with one of the Company to buy of him; and
also he observed that the next day all the Company were to meet there
again to participate of a Collation that the Person who had received the
Money was to bestow on the rest. All these passages, and several others,
as their Names, and the qualities of most of the Persons there present,
he gained from the discourse he had heard. He being thus instructed was
resolved to try his wits to the utmost, and if possible be Master of
some of this Money, and that without the help, advice, or assistance of
any other. He beats his brains about it all that night, and the next day
making himself as spruce and fine as he could, and being laden with the
rich Cargoe of _Twenty pieces_ of _Gold_, and sufficient spending Money
besides, he sailed on to the _Exchange_, and there knowing several of
the Yesterdays Company both by sight and name, he soon found out the
Person who was to sell part of the Ship, and understanding that he was a
Sea-Captain, who wanted Owners, he bore up to him, and tels him that he
was willing to hold a part with him, whereupon the Captain invites him
to their intended Dinner, and he accepting the invitation, and being
come thither upon a farther discourse, he seemed pretty well content
with the bargain, and told the Captain that at the next days Exchange he
would resolve him about it. Their discourse being ended, Dinner was
called for but it not being yet ready, he who was the Invitor seemed to
be very angry for the delay, for said he, I commanded it to be ready
between _One_ and _Two_, and now by my _Watch_ it is between _Two_ and
_Three_, our Merchant seeing a _Watch_ drawn, said, I pray _Sir_ let me
see it, and having it in his hand, highly commended it for its richness
and good workmanship, for it had two Gold Cases, and desired to know the
Price what it did cost, the Owner replyed _Twenty Pound_, I like it so
well, replyed our Merchant, that I wish I had such another for the
Price, (and continued he to the Owner) I shall be much obliged to you,
if you will lend it me for _One_ Hour or _Two_, to shew it to my
Watchmaker, who is now in hand with one for me; and _Sir_, that you may
assure your self of the return of it to you, here is _Twenty Pieces_ of
good old Gold, I will leave in your hands: When would you have it,
replyed the Owner, even just now, said our Merchant, for I must needs
step home instantly, and I can call on my Watch-maker, by the way, and
when I return to you hither, which I promise you shall be within _two_
Hours, I will bring it and return it you. I, but _Sir_, said the
Captain, I hope you will not leave us, but stay and Dine here, indeed I
cannot, said our Merchant you must pardon me at present, an urgent
affair calls me, but in _Two_ Hours I shall have dispatched it, and then
I will return and drink a Glass of Wine with you. The Owner of the Watch
seeing that he made these excuses, and not distrusting his Watch, as he
had little reason to do, because he had more than the worth in his
hands, delivered the Watch to our Counterfeit, who takes his leave, and
calling a Coach, caused the Coach-man to drive directly to the house of
the owner of the _Watch_; when he came there, he asked for the good
Woman, and without any circumstantial discourse, tells her that he left
her Husband in such a Tavern, with such Company, and that he had gone
through with his bargain about the _Sixteenth_ part of such a Ship; that
the Sum agreed upon was 100_l._ that the Captain who was to receive it
had ordered it to him, who was now come for it; and Mistress (said he) I
should give you such sufficient tokens for the delivery of it, as I hope
you will do it without any distrust. Therefore in the first place, said
he, the 100_l._ I must have, is part of 200_l._ your Husband did receive
yesterday, and sent home to you by your Servant, and to convince you of
the truth of all, as an infallible token, I have here brought your
Husband’s _Watch_, and thereupon he drew it out, and shew’d it to her.
She knowing that all he had said was true, and viewing the _watch_, &
knowing that to be the same, and finding that he told his tale without
any hesitation, stopping, or stamering, did not at all distrust him, but
went up stairs & fetcht down the Money. He ordered the Coach-man to
drive him to his Quarters, and there he secured the Money, and thanked
his Stars for thus favourably assisting him in this affair, where he had
come off without so much as a Rub, and that better than he expected, for
he did suppose that to purchase this 100_l._ it would have cost him the
Twenty Pieces of Gold,for he expected that the good Woman would have
desired him to leave the _Watch_ behind with her, as her warrant for the
delivery of the Money, which if she had, he could not have refused it,
and now he had Money and _Watch_ too, wherefore having had so good
success he was resolved to try his good fortune a little further, and
therefore away he went to the Tavern, where he had left the Captain and
Owner of the _Watch_.

They had hardly Dined, so that he had part of a good Dinner, was
welcomed by all the Company, who in his absence had enquired of one
another, who this unknown Merchant was, and seeing him so full of Gold,
they doubted not his ability, but they were resolved to treat him
handsomely, which they did, and the Dinner being ended, he redelivered
the _Watch_, and received back his Gold, with a Complement from the
Owner, that he begg’d his pardon for taking any thing as an engagement,
and desiring his further acquaintance; but Dinner being ended, and a
good quantity of Wine brush’d off, they promising to meet the next day
at the _Exchange_, departed, I suppose they all did meet, especially the
owner of the _Watch_, to enquire of the Captain, for his Merchant, and
also the Captain, to conclude his begun bargain with our Counterfeit
Merchant, but he, although he had made them a fair promise to meet, yet
he came not there, he had other Eggs on the Spit, his affairs lay now at
the other end of the Town, and although he had made as profitable a
bargain the last Exchange-time, as most Merchants that came thither, yet
he had no mind to return thither in hast. But with all the hast he
could, he removed his Money and Quarters to the other end of the Town,
and that he might pass the more securely undiscovered; he left off his
Merchant-like habit, wherein he had performed his exploit, and put on
Cloaths more modish and gallant, with a Sword and Belt, and large
Perriwig, in this disguise he passed without any discovery, by those who
sought out for him, but one of his Extravagant acquaintance meeting him,
although thus accoutred, soon knew him, and believing that some
Extraordinary adventure had fallen out, was very desirous to be
acquainted with it, wherefore that they might compare notes together,
they put in to the next Tavern, our Extravagant’s Companion saw by this
disguisement, that there was somewhat in the wind, somewhat
extraordinary had befallen him, and withall that he was shy in declaring
it, wherefore to the end that he might induce him, to tell him how
squares went with him, he told him that he had had a very luck since
they parted last; for, said he, I met with a brave Prize within these
two days which I carried off with very little hazard or danger, and this
it was, I was sauntring about the streets, to see and observe where I
might get a purchase, and at length I observed a Coach was called for,
it was neer _Aldgate_, and it was just about the dusk of the Evening, I
having nothing else to do, resolved to see what Company was to go in the
Coach, and therefore waited not long, but saw it was only a Woman and a
Child, and withall there was two bundles of Linnen. I seeing there was
no more Company, was resolv’d to be Master of one of those bundles,
neither did I question to do it with ease enough, I observed which way
the Coach drove, and went along with it. There was so many Passengers
with Lanthorns, Links and Torches walking backwards and forwards, that I
was forced to Laquey this Woman till the Coach had brought her to the
Stocks in the _Poultrey_, there observing it to be a narrow dark place,
and no lights neer me, and having my purchase in my eye, I soon had it
in my hand and slapt it under my Coat.

The Woman saw me seize it, and therefore cryed out immediately, but the
Coachman not presently hearing of her, and he driving on towards
_Cheapside_, I thought it would be necessary for me to march off another
way, and so I did, returning back again, but not the very same way we
had come, that is, down _Cornhil_, but now returning back by
_Lombardstreet_, I did hear the Woman cry out, Hold Coachman, I am
rob’d! but I suppose he driving one way, and I running another, I was
got to _Gracious-street_, and he to _Cheapside_ before he stopt, and so
then it was to no purpose to look after me, for I soon crossed _London_
Bridge, and went to my old Quarters in _Southwark_; when I came there I
undid my fardle, but it was filled with such a parcel, as I understood
very little, I think there was 100 several pieces of fowl Linnen, which
upon examination, I found to be Childbed Linnen, and withall there was
Blankets and Mantles, but above all there was the _Unum necessarium_, a
parcel of good ready Money, _Ten Pieces_ of good old Gold, and _Five
Pounds_ in Silver, the sight of this pleased my eyes, and I thanked my
stars for my good fortune. Although (continued he) I knew not so well
what to do with the Linnen, as I did with the money, yet I knew it was
too good to be thrown away, and that it would fetch good ready money,
but in the pickle it was in, I thought it not convenient to offer it to
sell, wherefore I resolved to have it washed, and in order thereto, said
he, I am now going to an old acquaintance, a Woman who gets the best
part of her living by washing and starching, and I intend to intrust her
not only to wash and starch, but also to sell this Commodity for me. And
(this concluded he) is my business at present, and now I have told you
mine, I pray acquaint me with yours.

Our Extravagant understanding from his acquaintance, that he had lately
gained a Prize, and by that concluding that he was not in want of money,
so that he was not obliged to impart any of his Prize to him, which is a
customary thing between Persons of that quality, he therefore without
much perswasions acquainted him with his late good fortune in the
adventure of the 100_l._

This discourse us’d, the business of drinking being over, our
Extravagant’s Companion desired him to go with him a little way to the
old Laundress, he spake of, that he might deliver his Pack of smal
things to her ordering and dispose, he was not hard to be entreated,
wherefore away they went together. But when they came there, they found
the old Woman all in tears, for she being in debt a Sum of Money, that
she was not able to pay, and an Attachment having been brought against
her Goods, she not having Money or skill to defend the Suit, her
adversary had obtained Judgement against her, and thereupon the
execution was deliver’d into the Bayliffs hands, who at this very minute
that our Extravagants came, was come also to seize the Goods, and this
was the occasion of the old Womans Lamentation.

She gave the Bayliff all the good words she could, and they not
prevailing, she fell to railing and scolding, but it was all one to him,
he minded her not, but proceeded in executing his Office, and delivered
out to his Man all the poor Womans goods, one piece after another, and
there was nothing now remaining, but a kittle which stood on a Trevet
over the Fire, and the Utensils of the Chimney. He told her he must have
the Kettle, but she might take out the Cloathes, she saying they were
none of hers, but she refusing to empty the Kettle, he took it off from
the Fire, and threw the water and Cloathes that was in it about the
house. The old Woman seeing this, and being resolved to be revenged on
him, took the Tongs in her hands, and with them took up the Trevet,
which was red hot, and lifting it up, clapt it about the Bayliffs neck,
saying, _Since you will have all, then you shall have all_. He was
quickly so sensible of the fire, that he roared and cryed out like a
Mad-man, and believing that it would burn him to death, for it had
already made his flesh fry, to save his Neck and Shoulders, was forced
to take it hot as it was, into his hands, to throw it off: This
adventure was like to have proved Tragical to the hard-hearted Bayliff,
who with much difficulty disingaged himself. But our two Extravagants
were extreamly well-pleased with the Washer-womans Revenge, as we hope
the _Reader_ will be; and now we shall put an end to this _Fourth Part_:
And, if (as we hope) you are pleased with what is already written, we
shall in short time give you greater pleasure and satisfaction in the
Continuation of our Extravagants adventures, which shall be fully
finished in a _Fifth_ and _Last_ Part.

                                _FINIS._

                          Transcriber’s Note.

While acknowledging the author’s sentiment in the Preface regarding
errors, spelling in that era was extremely variable, and any corrections
made here were limited to the most obvious lapses. As the table below
will show, ‘e/c’, and ‘u/n’ errors, as well as doubled words, were most
common.

The word ‘Gaol’ is printed interchangeably as ‘Goal’, and all such
instances are retained.

Due to the variability of hyphenation, where a hyphenation occurs on a
line or page break, the hyphen is retained or removed based on the
preponderance of the same word elsewhere. Where there are no other or
similar instances, the decision was based on modern usage.

The following table summarizes the issues encountered, and their
resolution:

 ii.24      As to the verity of those ingenio[n/u]s     Replaced.
            Exploits,

 14.2       a large [M/D]ish of most incomparable       Replaced.

 22.6       [e/c]onfession at the Gallows of all her    Replaced.
            former

 24.1       a Merchant of _Naples_, pay[a]able          Removed.

 45.14      I took exact noti[e/c]e of his Unkles name, Replaced.

 102.15     finally co[n/u]nselling me                  Replaced.

 108.20     but first I[ I] plumm’d the depth of the    Removed.
            Vault

 123.1      [(]which proved to be a _Practice of        Added.
            Piety_)

 124.18     yo[n/u]r walk                               Replaced.

 133.12     if I were aloft, a[ ]head, or abaft         Added.

 136.8      was deeply musing [m/w]ith myself           Replaced.

 138.18     I laying them   [caresly] upon the Dresser  _sic_

 140.24     lasht me with [VV/W]hipcord                 Recorded.

 143.11     till we set Sail.[’]                        Added.

 152.27     daring to s[h/t]ay longer in _London_       Replaced.

 165.13     nor encouraging as the _Anabaptists_; and   Removed.
            finding that [that]

 184.18     expensive Courts[t/h]ip,                    Replaced.

 204.8      against _Shadwell-Do[e/c]k_.                Replaced.

 212.4      I knew qui[e/c]kly                          Replaced.

 215.27     won threescore and upward[,/.]              Replaced.

 216.2      those ill [i/t]idings,                      Replaced.

 220.33     an errant piece of impuden[e/c]e            Replaced.

 222.15     prosecuti[u/n]g his more serious affairs    Replaced.

 223.1      to increase their [fl/st]ore                Replaced.

 224.34     who was [not] only well cliented            _sic_ Missing?

 227.14     Ames[, /-]Ace,                              Replaced.

 236.16     A Gentlem[e/a]n who was well stored         Replaced.

 258.6      at great Cost and  Charges[./,] in the      Replaced.
            Provision aforesaid

 266.28     to the place w[h]ere our Old Fellow was     Added.

 270.4      our young[s] mans Father                    Removed.

 294.4      her best Wea[l]th;                          Added.

 311.12     Sword and Belt, Half-Shirts[,] Bands,       Added.
            Caravats,

 312.3      came to our Extrav[a]gant to examine him    Added.
            privately





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