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Title: Burlesques
Author: Thackeray, William Makepeace
Language: English
As this book started as an ASCII text book there are no pictures available.
Copyright Status: Not copyrighted in the United States. If you live elsewhere check the laws of your country before downloading this ebook. See comments about copyright issues at end of book.

*** Start of this Doctrine Publishing Corporation Digital Book "Burlesques" ***

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By William Makepeace Thackeray



George de Barnwell. By Sir E. L. B. L., Bart.

Codlingsby. By D. Shrewsberry, Esq.

Phil Fogarty. A Tale of the Fighting Onety-Oneth. By Harry Rollicker

Barbazure. By G. P. R. Jeames, Esq., etc.

Lords and Liveries. By the Authoress of “Dukes and Dejeuners,” “Hearts
and Diamonds,” “Marchionesses and Milliners,” etc., etc.

Crinoline. By Je-mes Pl-sh, Esq.

The Stars and Stripes. By the Author of “The Last of the Mulligans,”
 “Pilot,” etc.

A Plan for a Prize Novel


A Lucky Speculator

The Diary

Jeames on Time Bargings

Jeames on the Gauge Question

Mr. Jeames Again


I. “Truth is Strange, Stranger than Fiction”

II. Allyghur and Laswaree

III. A Peep into Spain.--Account of the Origin and Services of the
Ahmednuggar Irregulars

IV. The Indian Camp--the Sortie from the Fort

V. The Issue of my Interview with my Wife

VI. Famine in the Garrison

VII. The Escape

VIII. The Captive

IX. Surprise of Futtyghur


I. Sir Ludwig of Hombourg

II. The Godesbergers

III. The Festival

IV. The Flight

V. The Traitor’s Doom

VI. The Confession

VII. The Sentence

VIII. The Childe of Godesberg

IX. The Lady of Windeck

X. The Battle of the Bowmen

XI. The Martyr of Love

XII. The Champion

XIII. The Marriage



I. The Overture--Commencement of the Business

II. The Last Days of the Lion

III. St. George for England

IV. Ivanhoe Redivivus

V. Ivanhoe to the Rescue

VI. Ivanhoe the Widower

VII. The End of the Performance


I. --

II. Henry V. and Napoleon III

III. The Advance of the Pretenders--Historical Review

IV. The Battle of Rheims

V. The Battle of Tours

VI. The English under Jenkins

VII. The Leaguer of Paris

VIII. The Battle of the Forts

IX. Louis XVII


The Announcement

First Rout

A Day with the Surrey Hounds

The Finishing Touch

A New Drop-Scene at the Opera

Striking a Balance

Down at Beulah

A Tournament

Over-Boarded and Under-Lodged

Notice to Quit

Law Life Assurance

Family Bustle





In the Morning of Life the Truthful wooed the Beautiful, and their
offspring was Love. Like his Divine parents, He is eternal. He has his
Mother’s ravishing smile; his Father’s steadfast eyes. He rises every
day, fresh and glorious as the untired Sun-God. He is Eros, the ever
young. Dark, dark were this world of ours had either Divinity left
it--dark without the day-beams of the Latonian Charioteer, darker yet
without the daedal Smile of the God of the Other Bow! Dost know him,

Old is he, Eros, the ever young. He and Time were children together.
Chronos shall die, too; but Love is imperishable. Brightest of the
Divinities, where hast thou not been sung? Other worships pass away;
the idols for whom pyramids were raised lie in the desert crumbling
and almost nameless; the Olympians are fled, their fanes no longer rise
among the quivering olive-groves of Ilissus, or crown the emerald-islets
of the amethyst Aegean! These are gone, but thou remainest. There is
still a garland for thy temple, a heifer for thy stone. A heifer? Ah,
many a darker sacrifice. Other blood is shed at thy altars, Remorseless
One, and the Poet Priest who ministers at thy Shrine draws his auguries
from the bleeding hearts of men!

While Love hath no end, Can the Bard ever cease singing? In Kingly
and Heroic ages, ‘twas of Kings and Heroes that the Poet spake. But in
these, our times, the Artisan hath his voice as well as the Monarch. The
people To-Day is King, and we chronicle his woes, as They of old did
the sacrifice of the princely Iphigenia, or the fate of the crowned

Is Odysseus less august in his rags than in his purple? Fate, Passion,
Mystery, the Victim, the Avenger, the Hate that harms, the Furies that
tear, the Love that bleeds, are not these with us Still? are not these
still the weapons of the Artist? the colors of his palette? the chords
of his lyre? Listen! I tell thee a tale--not of Kings--but of Men--not
of Thrones, but of Love, and Grief, and Crime. Listen, and but once
more. ‘Tis for the last time (probably) these fingers shall sweep the

E. L. B. L.


‘Twas noonday in Chepe. High Tide in the mighty River City!--its banks
wellnigh overflowing with the myriad-waved Stream of Man! The toppling
wains, bearing the produce of a thousand marts; the gilded equipage
of the Millionary; the humbler, but yet larger vehicle from the green
metropolitan suburbs (the Hanging Gardens of our Babylon), in which
every traveller might, for a modest remuneration, take a republican
seat; the mercenary caroche, with its private freight; the brisk
curricle of the letter-carrier, robed in royal scarlet: these and a
thousand others were laboring and pressing onward, and locked and bound
and hustling together in the narrow channel of Chepe. The imprecations
of the charioteers were terrible. From the noble’s broidered
hammer-cloth, or the driving-seat of the common coach, each driver
assailed the other with floods of ribald satire. The pavid matron within
the one vehicle (speeding to the Bank for her semestrial pittance)
shrieked and trembled; the angry Dives hastening to his office (to add
another thousand to his heap,) thrust his head over the blazoned panels,
and displayed an eloquence of objurgation which his very Menials could
not equal; the dauntless street urchins, as they gayly threaded the
Labyrinth of Life, enjoyed the perplexities and quarrels of the scene,
and exacerbated the already furious combatants by their poignant
infantile satire. And the Philosopher, as he regarded the hot strife and
struggle of these Candidates in the race for Gold, thought with a sigh
of the Truthful and the Beautiful, and walked on, melancholy and serene.

‘Twas noon in Chepe. The ware-rooms were thronged. The flaunting windows
of the mercers attracted many a purchaser: the glittering panes behind
which Birmingham had glazed its simulated silver, induced rustics to
pause: although only noon, the savory odors of the Cook Shops tempted
the over hungry citizen to the bun of Bath, or to the fragrant potage
that mocks the turtle’s flavor--the turtle! O dapibus suprimi grata
testudo Jovis! I am an Alderman when I think of thee! Well: it was noon
in Chepe.

But were all battling for gain there? Among the many brilliant shops
whose casements shone upon Chepe, there stood one a century back (about
which period our tale opens) devoted to the sale of Colonial produce.
A rudely carved image of a negro, with a fantastic plume and apron of
variegated feathers, decorated the lintel. The East and West had sent
their contributions to replenish the window.

The poor slave had toiled, died perhaps, to produce yon pyramid of
swarthy sugar marked “ONLY 6 1/2d.”--That catty box, on which was the
epigraph “STRONG FAMILY CONGO ONLY 3s. 9d,” was from the country of
Confutzee--that heap of dark produce bore the legend “TRY OUR REAL
NUT”--‘Twas Cocoa--and that nut the Cocoa-nut, whose milk has refreshed
the traveller and perplexed the natural philosopher. The shop in
question was, in a word, a Grocer’s.

In the midst of the shop and its gorgeous contents sat one who, to judge
from his appearance (though ‘twas a difficult task, as, in sooth, his
back was turned), had just reached that happy period of life when the
Boy is expanding into the Man. O Youth, Youth! Happy and Beautiful! O
fresh and roseate dawn of life; when the dew yet lies on the flowers,
ere they have been scorched and withered by Passion’s fiery Sun!
Immersed in thought or study, and indifferent to the din around him, sat
the boy. A careless guardian was he of the treasures confided to him.
The crowd passed in Chepe; he never marked it. The sun shone on Chepe;
he only asked that it should illumine the page he read. The knave might
filch his treasures; he was heedless of the knave. The customer might
enter; but his book was all in all to him.

And indeed a customer WAS there; a little hand was tapping on the
counter with a pretty impatience; a pair of arch eyes were gazing at
the boy, admiring, perhaps, his manly proportions through the homely and
tightened garments he wore.

“Ahem! sir! I say, young man!” the customer exclaimed.

“Ton d’apameibomenos prosephe,” read on the student, his voice choked
with emotion. “What language!” he said; “how rich, how noble, how
sonorous! prosephe podas--”

The customer burst out into a fit of laughter so shrill and cheery, that
the young Student could not but turn round, and blushing, for the first
time remarked her. “A pretty grocer’s boy you are,” she cried, “with
your applepiebomenos and your French and lingo. Am I to be kept waiting
for hever?”

“Pardon, fair Maiden,” said he, with high-bred courtesy: “‘twas not
French I read, ‘twas the Godlike language of the blind old bard. In
what can I be serviceable to ye, lady?” and to spring from his desk, to
smooth his apron, to stand before her the obedient Shop Boy, the Poet no
more, was the work of a moment.

“I might have prigged this box of figs,” the damsel said good-naturedly,
“and you’d never have turned round.”

“They came from the country of Hector,” the boy said. “Would you have
currants, lady? These once bloomed in the island gardens of the blue
Aegean. They are uncommon fine ones, and the figure is low; they’re
fourpence-halfpenny a pound. Would ye mayhap make trial of our teas? We
do not advertise, as some folks do: but sell as low as any other house.”

“You’re precious young to have all these good things,” the girl
exclaimed, not unwilling, seemingly, to prolong the conversation. “If I
was you, and stood behind the counter, I should be eating figs the whole
day long.”

“Time was,” answered the lad, “and not long since I thought so too. I
thought I never should be tired of figs. But my old uncle bade me take
my fill, and now in sooth I am aweary of them.”

“I think you gentlemen are always so,” the coquette said.

“Nay, say not so, fair stranger!” the youth replied, his face kindling
as he spoke, and his eagle eyes flashing fire. “Figs pall; but oh! the
Beautiful never does. Figs rot; but oh! the Truthful is eternal. I was
born, lady, to grapple with the Lofty and the Ideal. My soul yearns for
the Visionary. I stand behind the counter, it is true; but I ponder here
upon the deeds of heroes, and muse over the thoughts of sages. What is
grocery for one who has ambition? What sweetness hath Muscovada to him
who hath tasted of Poesy? The Ideal, lady, I often think, is the true
Real, and the Actual, but a visionary hallucination. But pardon me; with
what may I serve thee?”

“I came only for sixpenn’orth of tea-dust,” the girl said, with a
faltering voice; “but oh, I should like to hear you speak on for ever!”

Only for sixpenn’orth of tea-dust? Girl, thou camest for other things!
Thou lovedst his voice? Siren! what was the witchery of thine own? He
deftly made up the packet, and placed it in the little hand. She paid
for her small purchase, and with a farewell glance of her lustrous eyes,
she left him. She passed slowly through the portal, and in a moment
was lost in the crowd. It was noon in Chepe. And George de Barnwell was

Vol. II.

We have selected the following episodical chapter in preference to
anything relating to the mere story of George Barnwell, with which most
readers are familiar.

Up to this passage (extracted from the beginning of Vol. II.) the tale
is briefly thus:

The rogue of a Millwood has come back every day to the grocer’s shop in
Chepe, wanting some sugar, or some nutmeg, or some figs, half a dozen
times in the week.

She and George de Barnwell have vowed to each other an eternal

This flame acts violently upon George. His bosom swells with ambition.
His genius breaks out prodigiously. He talks about the Good, the
Beautiful, the Ideal, &c., in and out of all season, and is virtuous and
eloquent almost beyond belief--in fact like Devereux, or P. Clifford, or
E. Aram, Esquires.

Inspired by Millwood and love, George robs the till, and mingles in the
world which he is destined to ornament. He outdoes all the dandies,
all the wits, all the scholars, and all the voluptuaries of the age--an
indefinite period of time between Queen Anne and George II.--dines
with Curll at St. John’s Gate, pinks Colonel Charteris in a duel behind
Montague House, is initiated into the intrigues of the Chevalier St.
George, whom he entertains at his sumptuous pavilion at Hampstead, and
likewise in disguise at the shop in Cheapside.

His uncle, the owner of the shop, a surly curmudgeon with very little
taste for the True and Beautiful, has retired from business to the
pastoral village in Cambridgeshire from which the noble Barnwells came.
George’s cousin Annabel is, of course, consumed with a secret passion
for him.

Some trifling inaccuracies may be remarked in the ensuing brilliant
little chapter; but it must be remembered that the author wished to
present an age at a glance: and the dialogue is quite as fine and
correct as that in the “Last of the Barons,” or in “Eugene Aram,” or
other works of our author, in which Sentiment and History, or the True
and Beautiful, are united.



Those who frequent the dismal and enormous Mansions of Silence which
society has raised to Ennui in that Omphalos of town, Pall Mall, and
which, because they knock you down with their dulness, are called Clubs
no doubt; those who yawn from a bay-window in St. James’s Street, at a
half-score of other dandies gaping from another bay-window over the way;
those who consult a dreary evening paper for news, or satisfy themselves
with the jokes of the miserable Punch by way of wit; the men about town
of the present day, in a word, can have but little idea of London some
six or eight score years back. Thou pudding-sided old dandy of St.
James’s Street, with thy lacquered boots, thy dyed whiskers, and thy
suffocating waistband, what art thou to thy brilliant predecessor in the
same quarter? The Brougham from which thou descendest at the portal of
the “Carlton” or the “Travellers’,” is like everybody else’s; thy
black coat has no more plaits, nor buttons, nor fancy in it than thy
neighbor’s; thy hat was made on the very block on which Lord Addlepate’s
was cast, who has just entered the Club before thee. You and he yawn
together out of the same omnibus-box every night; you fancy yourselves
men of pleasure; you fancy yourselves men of fashion; you fancy
yourselves men of taste; in fancy, in taste, in opinion, in philosophy,
the newspaper legislates for you; it is there you get your jokes and
your thoughts, and your facts and your wisdom--poor Pall Mall dullards.
Stupid slaves of the press, on that ground which you at present occupy,
there were men of wit and pleasure and fashion, some five-and-twenty
lustres ago.

We are at Button’s--the well-known sign of the “Turk’s Head.” The crowd
of periwigged heads at the windows--the swearing chairmen round the
steps (the blazoned and coronalled panels of whose vehicles denote the
lofty rank of their owners),--the throng of embroidered beaux entering
or departing, and rendering the air fragrant with the odors of pulvillio
and pomander, proclaim the celebrated resort of London’s Wit and
Fashion. It is the corner of Regent Street. Carlton House has not yet
been taken down.

A stately gentleman in crimson velvet and gold is sipping chocolate
at one of the tables, in earnest converse with a friend whose suit is
likewise embroidered, but stained by time, or wine mayhap, or wear. A
little deformed gentleman in iron-gray is reading the Morning Chronicle
newspaper by the fire, while a divine, with a broad brogue and a shovel
hat and cassock, is talking freely with a gentleman, whose star and
ribbon, as well as the unmistakable beauty of his Phidian countenance,
proclaims him to be a member of Britain’s aristocracy.

Two ragged youths, the one tall, gaunt, clumsy and scrofulous, the other
with a wild, careless, beautiful look, evidently indicating Race, are
gazing in at the window, not merely at the crowd in the celebrated Club,
but at Timothy the waiter, who is removing a plate of that exquisite
dish, the muffin (then newly invented), at the desire of some of the
revellers within.

“I would, Sam,” said the wild youth to his companion, “that I had some
of my mother Macclesfield’s gold, to enable us to eat of those cates and
mingle with yon springalds and beaux.”

“To vaunt a knowledge of the stoical philosophy,” said the youth
addressed as Sam, “might elicit a smile of incredulity upon the cheek
of the parasite of pleasure; but there are moments in life when History
fortifies endurance: and past study renders present deprivation more
bearable. If our pecuniary resources be exiguous, let our resolution,
Dick, supply the deficiencies of Fortune. The muffin we desire to-day
would little benefit us to-morrow. Poor and hungry as we are, are we
less happy, Dick, than yon listless voluptuary who banquets on the food
which you covet?”

And the two lads turned away up Waterloo Place, and past the “Parthenon”
 Club-house, and disappeared to take a meal of cow-heel at a neighboring
cook’s shop. Their names were Samuel Johnson and Richard Savage.

Meanwhile the conversation at Button’s was fast and brilliant. “By
Wood’s thirteens, and the divvle go wid ‘em,” cried the Church dignitary
in the cassock, “is it in blue and goold ye are this morning, Sir
Richard, when you ought to be in seebles?”

“Who’s dead, Dean?” said the nobleman, the dean’s companion.

“Faix, mee Lard Bolingbroke, as sure as mee name’s Jonathan
Swift--and I’m not so sure of that neither, for who knows his father’s
name?--there’s been a mighty cruel murther committed entirely. A child
of Dick Steele’s has been barbarously slain, dthrawn, and quarthered,
and it’s Joe Addison yondther has done it. Ye should have killed one of
your own, Joe, ye thief of the world.”

“I!” said the amazed and Right Honorable Joseph Addison; “I kill Dick’s
child! I was godfather to the last.”

“And promised a cup and never sent it,” Dick ejaculated. Joseph looked

“The child I mean is Sir Roger de Coverley, Knight and Baronet. What
made ye kill him, ye savage Mohock? The whole town is in tears about the
good knight; all the ladies at Church this afternoon were in mourning;
all the booksellers are wild; and Lintot says not a third of the copies
of the Spectator are sold since the death of the brave old gentleman.”
 And the Dean of St. Patrick’s pulled out the Spectator newspaper,
containing the well-known passage regarding Sir Roger’s death. “I bought
it but now in ‘Wellington Street,’” he said; “the newsboys were howling
all down the Strand.”

“What a miracle is Genius--Genius, the Divine and Beautiful,” said a
gentleman leaning against the same fireplace with the deformed cavalier
in iron-gray, and addressing that individual, who was in fact Mr.
Alexander Pope. “What a marvellous gift is this, and royal privilege
of Art! To make the Ideal more credible than the Actual: to enchain
our hearts, to command our hopes, our regrets, our tears, for a mere
brain-born Emanation: to invest with life the Incorporeal, and to
glamour the cloudy into substance,--these are the lofty privileges of
the Poet, if I have read poesy aright; and I am as familiar with the
sounds that rang from Homer’s lyre, as with the strains which celebrate
the loss of Belinda’s lovely locks”--(Mr. Pope blushed and bowed, highly
delighted)--“these, I say, sir, are the privileges of the Poet--the
Poietes--the Maker--he moves the world, and asks no lever; if he cannot
charm death into life, as Orpheus feigned to do, he can create Beauty
out of Nought, and defy Death by rendering Thought Eternal. Ho! Jemmy,
another flask of Nantz.”

And the boy--for he who addressed the most brilliant company of wits in
Europe was little more--emptied the contents of the brandy-flask into
a silver flagon, and quaffed it gayly to the health of the company
assembled. ‘Twas the third he had taken during the sitting. Presently,
and with a graceful salute to the Society, he quitted the coffee-house,
and was seen cantering on a magnificent Arab past the National Gallery.

“Who is yon spark in blue and silver? He beats Joe Addison himself, in
drinking, and pious Joe is the greatest toper in the three kingdoms,”
 Dick Steele said, good-naturedly.

“His paper in the Spectator beats thy best, Dick, thou sluggard,” the
Right Honorable Mr. Addison exclaimed. “He is the author of that famous
No. 996, for which you have all been giving me the credit.”

“The rascal foiled me at capping verses,” Dean Swift said, “and won a
tenpenny piece of me, plague take him!”

“He has suggested an emendation in my ‘Homer,’ which proves him a
delicate scholar,” Mr. Pope exclaimed.

“He knows more of the French king than any man I have met with; and we
must have an eye upon him,” said Lord Bolingbroke, then Secretary of
State for Foreign Affairs, and beckoning a suspicious-looking person who
was drinking at a side-table, whispered to him something.

Meantime who was he? where was he, this youth who had struck all the
wits of London with admiration? His galloping charger had returned to
the City; his splendid court-suit was doffed for the citizen’s gabardine
and grocer’s humble apron.

George de Barnwell was in Chepe--in Chepe, at the feet of Martha



“Quid me mollibus implicas lacertis, my Elinor? Nay,” George added, a
faint smile illumining his wan but noble features, “why speak to thee in
the accents of the Roman poet, which thou comprehendest not? Bright One,
there be other things in Life, in Nature, in this Inscrutable Labyrinth,
this Heart on which thou leanest, which are equally unintelligible to
thee! Yes, my pretty one, what is the Unintelligible but the Ideal? what
is the Ideal but the Beautiful? what the Beautiful but the Eternal? And
the Spirit of Man that would commune with these is like Him who wanders
by the thina poluphloisboio thalasses, and shrinks awe-struck before
that Azure Mystery.”

Emily’s eyes filled with fresh-gushing dew. “Speak on, speak ever thus,
my George,” she exclaimed. Barnwell’s chains rattled as the confiding
girl clung to him. Even Snoggin, the turnkey appointed to sit with the
Prisoner, was affected by his noble and appropriate language, and also
burst into tears.

“You weep, my Snoggin,” the Boy said; “and why? Hath Life been so
charming to me that I should wish to retain it? hath Pleasure no
after-Weariness? Ambition no Deception; Wealth no Care; and Glory no
Mockery? Psha! I am sick of Success, palled of Pleasure, weary of Wine
and Wit, and--nay, start not, my Adelaide--and Woman. I fling away all
these things as the Toys of Boyhood. Life is the Soul’s Nursery. I am
a Man, and pine for the Illimitable! Mark you me! Has the Morrow any
terrors for me, think ye? Did Socrates falter at his poison? Did Seneca
blench in his bath? Did Brutus shirk the sword when his great stake was
lost? Did even weak Cleopatra shrink from the Serpent’s fatal nip? And
why should I? My great Hazard hath been played, and I pay my forfeit.
Lie sheathed in my heart, thou flashing Blade! Welcome to my Bosom, thou
faithful Serpent; I hug thee, peace-bearing Image of the Eternal!
Ha, the hemlock cup! Fill high, boy, for my soul is thirsty for
the Infinite! Get ready the bath, friends; prepare me for the feast
To-morrow--bathe my limbs in odors, and put ointment in my hair.”

“Has for a bath,” Snoggin interposed, “they’re not to be ‘ad in this
ward of the prison; but I dussay Hemmy will git you a little hoil for
your ‘air.”

The Prisoned One laughed loud and merrily. “My guardian understands
me not, pretty one--and thou? what sayest thou? From those dear lips
methinks--plura sunt oscula quam sententiae--I kiss away thy tears,
dove!--they will flow apace when I am gone, then they will dry, and
presently these fair eyes will shine on another, as they have beamed on
poor George Barnwell. Yet wilt thou not all forget him, sweet one. He
was an honest fellow, and had a kindly heart for all the world said--”

“That, that he had,” cried the gaoler and the girl in voices gurgling
with emotion. And you who read! you unconvicted Convict--you murderer,
though haply you have slain no one--you Felon in posse if not in
esse--deal gently with one who has used the Opportunity that has failed
thee--and believe that the Truthful and the Beautiful bloom sometimes in
the dock and the convict’s tawny Gabardine!


In the matter for which he suffered, George could never be brought to
acknowledge that he was at all in the wrong. “It may be an error of
judgment,” he said to the Venerable Chaplain of the gaol, “but it is no
crime. Were it Crime, I should feel Remorse. Where there is no remorse,
Crime cannot exist. I am not sorry: therefore, I am innocent. Is the
proposition a fair one?”

The excellent Doctor admitted that it was not to be contested.

“And wherefore, sir, should I have sorrow,” the Boy resumed, “for
ridding the world of a sordid worm;* of a man whose very soul was dross,
and who never had a feeling for the Truthful and the Beautiful? When I
stood before my uncle in the moonlight, in the gardens of the ancestral
halls of the De Barnwells, I felt that it was the Nemesis come to
overthrow him. ‘Dog,’ I said to the trembling slave, ‘tell me where
thy Gold is. THOU hast no use for it. I can spend it in relieving the
Poverty on which thou tramplest; in aiding Science, which thou knowest
not; in uplifting Art, to which thou art blind. Give Gold, and thou art
free.’ But he spake not, and I slew him.”

“I would not have this doctrine vulgarly promulgated,” said the
admirable chaplain, “for its general practice might chance to do harm.
Thou, my son, the Refined, the Gentle, the Loving and Beloved, the
Poet and Sage, urged by what I cannot but think a grievous error, hast
appeared as Avenger. Think what would be the world’s condition, were men
without any Yearning after the Ideal to attempt to reorganize Society,
to redistribute Property, to avenge Wrong.”

“A rabble of pigmies scaling Heaven,” said the noble though misguided
young Prisoner. “Prometheus was a Giant, and he fell.”

“Yes, indeed, my brave youth!” the benevolent Dr. Fuzwig exclaimed,
clasping the Prisoner’s marble and manacled hand; “and the Tragedy of
To-morrow will teach the World that Homicide is not to be permitted
even to the most amiable Genius, and that the lover of the Ideal and the
Beautiful, as thou art, my son, must respect the Real likewise.”

“Look! here is supper!” cried Barnwell gayly. “This is the Real, Doctor;
let us respect it and fall to.” He partook of the meal as joyously as
if it had been one of his early festals; but the worthy chaplain could
scarcely eat it for tears.

     * This is a gross plagiarism: the above sentiment is
     expressed much more eloquently in the ingenious romance of
     Eugene Aram:--“The burning desires I have known--the
     resplendent visions I have nursed--the sublime aspirings
     that have lifted me so often from sense and clay: these tell
     me, that whether for good or ill, I am the thing of an
     immortality and the creature of a God. . . .  I have
     destroyed a man noxious to the world! with the wealth by
     which he afflicted society, I have been the means of
     blessing many.”




“The whole world is bound by one chain. In every city in the globe
there is one quarter that certain travellers know and recognize from
its likeness to its brother district in all other places where are
congregated the habitations of men. In Tehran, or Pekin, or Stamboul, or
New York, or Timbuctoo, or London, there is a certain district where a
certain man is not a stranger. Where the idols are fed with incense by
the streams of Ching-wang-foo; where the minarets soar sparkling above
the cypresses, their reflections quivering in the lucid waters of the
Golden Horn; where the yellow Tiber flows under broken bridges and over
imperial glories; where the huts are squatted by the Niger, under the
palm-trees; where the Northern Babel lies, with its warehouses, and its
bridges, its graceful factory-chimneys, and its clumsy fanes--hidden in
fog and smoke by the dirtiest river in the world--in all the cities of
mankind there is One Home whither men of one family may resort. Over the
entire world spreads a vast brotherhood, suffering, silent, scattered,
sympathizing, WAITING--an immense Free-Masonry. Once this world-spread
band was an Arabian clan--a little nation alone and outlying amongst the
mighty monarchies of ancient time, the Megatheria of history. The sails
of their rare ships might be seen in the Egyptian waters; the camels of
their caravans might thread the sands of Baalbec, or wind through the
date-groves of Damascus; their flag was raised, not ingloriously, in
many wars, against mighty odds; but ‘twas a small people, and on one
dark night the Lion of Judah went down before Vespasian’s Eagles, and in
flame, and death, and struggle, Jerusalem agonized and died. . . . Yes,
the Jewish city is lost to Jewish men; but have they not taken the world
in exchange?”

Mused thus Godfrey de Bouillon, Marquis of Codlingsby, as he debouched
from Wych Street into the Strand. He had been to take a box for Armida
at Madame Vestris’s theatre. That little Armida was folle of Madame
Vestris’s theatre; and her little brougham, and her little self, and
her enormous eyes, and her prodigious opera-glass, and her miraculous
bouquet, which cost Lord Codlingsby twenty guineas every evening at
Nathan’s in Covent Garden (the children of the gardeners of Sharon have
still no rival for flowers), might be seen, three nights in the week at
least, in the narrow, charming, comfortable little theatre. Godfrey had
the box. He was strolling, listlessly, eastward; and the above thoughts
passed through the young noble’s mind as he came in sight of Holywell

The occupants of the London Ghetto sat at their porches basking in
the evening sunshine. Children were playing on the steps. Fathers were
smoking at the lintel. Smiling faces looked out from the various and
darkling draperies with which the warehouses were hung. Ringlets glossy,
and curly, and jetty--eyes black as night--midsummer night--when it
lightens; haughty noses bending like beaks of eagles--eager quivering
nostrils--lips curved like the bow of Love--every man or maiden, every
babe or matron in that English Jewry bore in his countenance one or more
of these characteristics of his peerless Arab race.

“How beautiful they are!” mused Codlingsby, as he surveyed these placid
groups calmly taking their pleasure in the sunset.

“D’you vant to look at a nishe coat?” a voice said, which made him
start; and then some one behind him began handling a masterpiece of
Stultz’s with a familiarity which would have made the baron tremble.

“Rafael Mendoza!” exclaimed Godfrey.

“The same, Lord Codlingsby,” the individual so apostrophized replied. “I
told you we should meet again where you would little expect me. Will it
please you to enter? this is Friday, and we close at sunset. It rejoices
my heart to welcome you home.” So saying Rafael laid his hand on his
breast, and bowed, an oriental reverence. All traces of the accent with
which he first addressed Lord Codlingsby had vanished: it was disguise;
half the Hebrew’s life is a disguise. He shields himself in craft, since
the Norman boors persecuted him.

They passed under an awning of old clothes, tawdry fripperies, greasy
spangles, and battered masks, into a shop as black and hideous as the
entrance was foul. “THIS your home, Rafael?” said Lord Codlingsby.

“Why not?” Rafael answered. “I am tired of Schloss Schinkenstein; the
Rhine bores me after a while. It is too hot for Florence; besides they
have not completed the picture-gallery, and my place smells of putty.
You wouldn’t have a man, mon cher, bury himself in his chateau in
Normandy, out of the hunting season? The Rugantino Palace stupefies me.
Those Titians are so gloomy, I shall have my Hobbimas and Tenierses, I
think, from my house at the Hague hung over them.”

“How many castles, palaces, houses, warehouses, shops, have you,
Rafael?” Lord Codlingsby asked, laughing.

“This is one,” Rafael answered. “Come in.”


The noise in the old town was terrific; Great Tom was booming sullenly
over the uproar; the bell of Saint Mary’s was clanging with alarm; St.
Giles’s tocsin chimed furiously; howls, curses, flights of brickbats,
stones shivering windows, groans of wounded men, cries of frightened
females, cheers of either contending party as it charged the enemy from
Carfax to Trumpington Street, proclaimed that the battle was at its

In Berlin they would have said it was a revolution, and the cuirassiers
would have been charging, sabre in hand, amidst that infuriate mob. In
France they would have brought down artillery, and played on it with
twenty-four pounders. In Cambridge nobody heeded the disturbance--it was
a Town and Gown row.

The row arose at a boat-race. The Town boat (manned by eight stout
Bargees, with the redoubted Rullock for stroke) had bumped the Brazenose
light oar, usually at the head of the river. High words arose regarding
the dispute. After returning from Granchester, when the boats pulled
back to Christchurch meadows, the disturbance between the Townsmen and
the University youths--their invariable opponents--grew louder and more
violent, until it broke out in open battle. Sparring and skirmishing
took place along the pleasant fields that lead from the University gate
down to the broad and shining waters of the Cam, and under the walls of
Balliol and Sidney Sussex. The Duke of Bellamont (then a dashing young
sizar at Exeter) had a couple of rounds with Billy Butt, the bow-oar
of the Bargee boat. Vavasour of Brazenose was engaged with a powerful
butcher, a well-known champion of the Town party, when, the great
University bells ringing to dinner, truce was called between the
combatants, and they retired to their several colleges for refection.

During the boat-race, a gentleman pulling in a canoe, and smoking a
narghilly, had attracted no ordinary attention. He rowed about a hundred
yards ahead of the boats in the race, so that he could have a good view
of that curious pastime. If the eight-oars neared him, with a few rapid
strokes of his flashing paddles his boat shot a furlong ahead; then he
would wait, surveying the race, and sending up volumes of odor from his
cool narghilly.

“Who is he?” asked the crowds who panted along the shore, encouraging,
according to Cambridge wont, the efforts of the oarsmen in the race.
Town and Gown alike asked who it was, who, with an ease so provoking,
in a barque so singular, with a form seemingly so slight, but a skill so
prodigious, beat their best men. No answer could be given to the query,
save that a gentleman in a dark travelling-chariot, preceded by six
fourgons and a courier, had arrived the day before at the “Hoop Inn,”
 opposite Brazenose, and that the stranger of the canoe seemed to be the
individual in question.

No wonder the boat, that all admired so, could compete with any
that ever was wrought by Cambridge artificer or Putney workman. That
boat--slim, shining, and shooting through the water like a pike after
a small fish--was a caique from Tophana; it had distanced the Sultan’s
oarsmen and the best crews of the Capitan Pasha in the Bosphorus; it
was the workmanship of Togrul-Beg, Caikjee Bashee of his Highness. The
Bashee had refused fifty thousand tomauns from Count Boutenieff, the
Russian Ambassador, for that little marvel. When his head was taken off,
the Father of Believers presented the boat to Rafael Mendoza.

It was Rafael Mendoza that saved the Turkish monarchy after the battle
of Nezeeb. By sending three millions of piastres to the Seraskier; by
bribing Colonel de St. Cornichon, the French envoy in the camp of the
victorious Ibrahim, the march of the Egyptian army was stopped--the
menaced empire of the Ottomans was saved from ruin; the Marchioness of
Stokepogis, our ambassador’s lady, appeared in a suite of diamonds which
outblazed even the Romanoff jewels, and Rafael Mendoza obtained the
little caique. He never travelled without it. It was scarcely heavier
than an arm-chair. Baroni, the courier, had carried it down to the
Cam that morning, and Rafael had seen the singular sport which we have

The dinner over, the young men rushed from their colleges, flushed,
full-fed, and eager for battle. If the Gown was angry, the Town, too,
was on the alert. From Iffly and Barnwell, from factory and mill, from
wharf and warehouse, the Town poured out to meet the enemy, and their
battle was soon general. From the Addenbrook’s hospital to the Blenheim
turnpike, all Cambridge was in an uproar--the college gates closed--the
shops barricaded--the shop-boys away in support of their brother
townsmen--the battle raged, and the Gown had the worst of the fight.

A luncheon of many courses had been provided for Rafael Mendoza at his
inn; but he smiled at the clumsy efforts of the university cooks to
entertain him, and a couple of dates and a glass of water formed his
meal. In vain the discomfited landlord pressed him to partake of the
slighted banquet. “A breakfast! psha!” said he. “My good man, I have
nineteen cooks, at salaries rising from four hundred a year. I can have
a dinner at any hour; but a Town and Gown row” (a brickbat here flying
through the window crashed the caraffe of water in Mendoza’s hand)--“a
Town and Gown row is a novelty to me. The Town has the best of it,
clearly, though: the men outnumber the lads. Ha, a good blow! How that
tall townsman went down before yonder slim young fellow in the scarlet
trencher cap.”

“That is the Lord Codlingsby,” the landlord said.

“A light weight, but a pretty fighter,” Mendoza remarked. “Well hit with
your left, Lord Codlingsby; well parried, Lord Codlingsby; claret drawn,
by Jupiter!”

“Ours is werry fine,” the landlord said. “Will your Highness have
Chateau Margaux or Lafitte?”

“He never can be going to match himself against that bargeman!” Rafael
exclaimed, as an enormous boatman--no other than Rullock--indeed, the
most famous bruiser of Cambridge, and before whose fists the Gownsmen
went down like ninepins--fought his way up to the spot where, with
admirable spirit and resolution, Lord Codlingsby and one or two of his
friends were making head against a number of the town.

The young noble faced the huge champion with the gallantry of his race,
but was no match for the enemy’s strength and weight and sinew, and
went down at every round. The brutal fellow had no mercy on the lad. His
savage treatment chafed Mendoza as he viewed the unequal combat from the
inn-window. “Hold your hand!” he cried to this Goliath; “don’t you see
he’s but a boy?”

“Down he goes again!” the bargeman cried, not heeding the interruption.
“Down he goes again: I likes wapping a lord!”

“Coward!” shouted Mendoza; and to fling open the window amidst a shower
of brickbats, to vault over the balcony, to slide down one of the
pillars to the ground, was an instant’s work.

At the next he stood before the enormous bargeman.


After the coroner’s inquest, Mendoza gave ten thousand pounds to each of
the bargeman’s ten children, and it was thus his first acquaintance was
formed with Lord Codlingsby.

But we are lingering on the threshold of the house in Holywell Street.
Let us go in.


Godfrey and Rafael passed from the street into the outer shop of the
old mansion in Holywell Street. It was a masquerade warehouse to all
appearance. A dark-eyed damsel of the nation was standing at the dark
and grimy counter, strewed with old feathers, old yellow hoots, old
stage mantles, painted masks, blind and yet gazing at you with a look of
sad death-like intelligence from the vacancy behind their sockets.

A medical student was trying one of the doublets of orange-tawny and
silver, slashed with dirty light blue. He was going to a masquerade that
night. He thought Polly Pattens would admire him in the dress--Polly
Pattens, the fairest of maids-of-all-work--the Borough Venus, adored by
half the youth of Guy’s.

“You look like a prince in it, Mr. Lint,” pretty Rachel said, coaxing
him with her beady black eyes.

“It IS the cheese,” replied Mr. Lint; “it ain’t the dress that don’t
suit, my rose of Sharon; it’s the FIGURE. Hullo, Rafael, is that you,
my lad of sealing-wax? Come and intercede for me with this wild gazelle;
she says I can’t have it under fifteen bob for the night. And it’s too
much: cuss me if it’s not too much, unless you’ll take my little bill at
two months, Rafael.”

“There’s a sweet pretty brigand’s dress you may have for half de
monish,” Rafael replied; “there’s a splendid clown for eight bob; but
for dat Spanish dress, selp ma Moshesh, Mistraer Lint, ve’d ask a guinea
of any but you. Here’s a gentlemansh just come to look at it. Look ‘ear,
Mr. Brownsh, did you ever shee a nisher ting dan dat?” So saying, Rafael
turned to Lord Codlingsby with the utmost gravity, and displayed to him
the garment about which the young medicus was haggling.

“Cheap at the money,” Codlingsby replied; “if you won’t make up your
mind, sir, I should like to engage it myself.” But the thought that
another should appear before Polly Pattens in that costume was too much
for Mr. Lint; he agreed to pay the fifteen shillings for the garment.
And Rafael, pocketing the money with perfect simplicity, said, “Dis vay,
Mr. Brownsh: dere’s someting vill shoot you in the next shop.”

Lord Codlingsby followed him, wondering.

“You are surprised at our system,” said Rafael, marking the evident
bewilderment of his friend. “Confess you would call it meanness--my
huckstering with yonder young fool. I call it simplicity. Why throw away
a shilling without need? Our race never did. A shilling is four men’s
bread: shall I disdain to defile my fingers by holding them out relief
in their necessity? It is you who are mean--you Normans--not we of the
ancient race. You have your vulgar measurement for great things and
small. You call a thousand pounds respectable, and a shekel despicable.
Psha, my Codlingsby! One is as the other. I trade in pennies and in
millions. I am above or below neither.”

They were passing through a second shop, smelling strongly of cedar,
and, in fact, piled up with bales of those pencils which the young
Hebrews are in the habit of vending through the streets. “I have sold
bundles and bundles of these,” said Rafael. “My little brother is now
out with oranges in Piccadilly. I am bringing him up to be head of our
house at Amsterdam. We all do it. I had myself to see Rothschild in
Eaton Place this morning, about the Irish loan, of which I have taken
three millions: and as I wanted to walk, I carried the bag.

“You should have seen the astonishment of Lauda Latymer, the Archbishop
of Croydon’s daughter, as she was passing St. Bennet’s, Knightsbridge,
and as she fancied she recognized in the man who was crying old clothes
the gentleman with whom she had talked at the Count de St. Aulair’s the
night before.” Something like a blush flushed over the pale features of
Mendoza as he mentioned the Lady Lauda’s name. “Come on,” said he. They
passed through various warehouses--the orange room, the sealing-wax
room, the six-bladed knife department, and finally came to an old baize
door. Rafael opened the baize door by some secret contrivance, and they
were in a black passage, with a curtain at the end.

He clapped his hands; the curtain at the end of the passage drew back,
and a flood of golden light streamed on the Hebrew and his visitor.


They entered a moderate-sized apartment--indeed, Holywell Street is not
above a hundred yards long, and this chamber was not more than half that
length--it was fitted up with the simple taste of its owner.

The carpet was of white velvet--(laid over several webs of Aubusson,
Ispahan, and Axminster, so that your foot gave no more sound as it trod
upon the yielding plain than the shadow did which followed you)--of
white velvet, painted with flowers, arabesques, and classic figures, by
Sir William Ross, J. M. W. Turner, R. A., Mrs. Mee, and Paul Delaroche.
The edges were wrought with seed-pearls, and fringed with Valenciennes
lace and bullion. The walls were hung with cloth of silver, embroidered
with gold figures, over which were worked pomegranates, polyanthuses,
and passion-flowers, in ruby, amethyst, and smaragd. The drops of dew
which the artificer had sprinkled on the flowers were diamonds. The
hangings were overhung by pictures yet more costly. Giorgione the
gorgeous, Titian the golden, Rubens the ruddy and pulpy (the Pan of
Painting), some of Murillo’s beatified shepherdesses, who smile on you
out of darkness like a star, a few score first-class Leonardos, and
fifty of the master-pieces of the patron of Julius and Leo, the Imperial
genius of Urbino, covered the walls of the little chamber. Divans of
carved amber covered with ermine went round the room, and in the midst
was a fountain, pattering and babbling with jets of double-distilled
otto of roses.

“Pipes, Goliath!” Rafael said gayly to a little negro with a silver
collar (he spoke to him in his native tongue of Dongola); “and welcome
to our snuggery, my Codlingsby. We are quieter here than in the front of
the house, and I wanted to show you a picture. I’m proud of my pictures.
That Leonardo came from Genoa, and was a gift to our father from my
cousin, Marshal Manasseh: that Murillo was pawned to my uncle by Marie
Antoinette before the flight to Varennes--the poor lady could not
redeem the pledge, you know, and the picture remains with us. As for the
Rafael, I suppose you are aware that he was one of our people. But what
are you gazing at? Oh! my sister--I forgot. Miriam! this is the Lord

She had been seated at an ivory pianoforte on a mother-of-pearl
music-stool, trying a sonata of Herz. She rose when thus apostrophized.
Miriam de Mendoza rose and greeted the stranger.

The Talmud relates that Adam had two wives--Zillah the dark beauty;
Eva the fair one. The ringlets of Zillah were black; those of Eva
were golden. The eyes of Zillah were night; those of Eva were morning.
Codlingsby was fair--of the fair Saxon race of Hengist and Horsa--they
called him Miss Codlingsby at school; but how much fairer was Miriam the

Her hair had that deep glowing tinge in it which has been the delight
of all painters, and which, therefore, the vulgar sneer at. It was of
burning auburn. Meandering over her fairest shoulders in twenty thousand
minute ringlets, it hung to her waist and below it. A light blue velvet
fillet clasped with a diamond aigrette (valued at two hundred thousand
tomauns, and bought from Lieutenant Vicovich, who had received it from
Dost Mahomed), with a simple bird of paradise, formed her head-gear. A
sea-green cymar with short sleeves, displayed her exquisitely moulded
arms to perfection, and was fastened by a girdle of emeralds over
a yellow satin frock. Pink gauze trousers spangled with silver, and
slippers of the same color as the band which clasped her ringlets (but
so covered with pearls that the original hue of the charming little
papoosh disappeared entirely) completed her costume. She had three
necklaces on, each of which would have dowered a Princess--her fingers
glistened with rings to their rosy tips, and priceless bracelets,
bangles, and armlets wound round an arm that was whiter than the ivory
grand piano on which it leaned.

As Miriam de Mendoza greeted the stranger, turning upon him the solemn
welcome of her eyes, Codlingsby swooned almost in the brightness of
her beauty. It was well she spoke; the sweet kind voice restored him to
consciousness. Muttering a few words of incoherent recognition, he sank
upon a sandalwood settee, as Goliath, the little slave, brought aromatic
coffee in cups of opal, and alabaster spittoons, and pipes of the
fragrant Gibelly.

“My lord’s pipe is out,” said Miriam with a smile, remarking the
bewilderment of her guest--who in truth forgot to smoke--and taking up
a thousand pound note from a bundle on the piano, she lighted it at
the taper and proceeded to re-illumine the extinguished chibouk of Lord


When Miriam, returning to the mother-of-pearl music-stool, at a signal
from her brother, touched the silver and enamelled keys of the ivory
piano, and began to sing, Lord Codlingsby felt as if he were listening
at the gates of Paradise, or were hearing Jenny Lind.

“Lind is the name of the Hebrew race; so is Mendelssohn, the son of
Almonds; so is Rosenthal, the Valley of the Roses: so is Lowe or Lewis
or Lyons or Lion. The beautiful and the brave alike give cognizances
to the ancient people: you Saxons call yourselves Brown, or Smith, or
Rodgers,” Rafael observed to his friend; and, drawing the instrument
from his pocket, he accompanied his sister, in the most ravishing
manner, on a little gold and jewelled harp, of the kind peculiar to his

All the airs which the Hebrew maid selected were written by composers
of her race; it was either a hymn by Rossini, a polacca by Braham, a
delicious romance by Sloman, or a melody by Weber, that, thrilling on
the strings of the instrument, wakened a harmony on the fibres of the
heart; but she sang no other than the songs of her nation.

“Beautiful one! sing ever, sing always,” Codlingsby thought. “I
could sit at thy feet as under a green palm-tree, and fancy that
Paradise-birds were singing in the boughs.”

Rafael read his thoughts. “We have Saxon blood too in our veins,”
 he said. “You smile! but it is even so. An ancestress of ours made
a mesalliance in the reign of your King John. Her name was Rebecca,
daughter of Isaac of York, and she married in Spain, whither she had
fled to the Court of King Boabdil, Sir Wilfred of Ivanhoe; then a
widower by the demise of his first lady, Rowena. The match was deemed a
cruel insult amongst our people but Wilfred conformed, and was a Rabbi
of some note at the synagogue of Cordova. We are descended from him
lineally. It is the only blot upon the escutcheon of the Mendozas.”

As they sat talking together, the music finished, and Miriam having
retired (though her song and her beauty were still present to the soul
of the stranger) at a signal from Mendoza, various messengers from the
outer apartments came in to transact business with him.

First it was Mr. Aminadab, who kissed his foot, and brought papers to
sign. “How is the house in Grosvenor Square, Aminadab; and is your
son tired of his yacht yet?” Mendoza asked. “That is my twenty-fourth
cashier,” said Rafael to Codlingsby, when the obsequious clerk went
away. “He is fond of display, and all my people may have what money they

Entered presently the Lord Bareacres, on the affair of his mortgage. The
Lord Bareacres, strutting into the apartment with a haughty air, shrank
back, nevertheless, with surprise on beholding the magnificence around
him. “Little Mordecai,” said Rafael to a little orange-boy, who came in
at the heels of the noble, “take this gentleman out and let him have ten
thousand pounds. I can’t do more for you, my lord, than this--I’m busy.
Good-by!” And Rafael waved his hand to the peer, and fell to smoking his

A man with a square face, cat-like eyes, and a yellow moustache, came
next. He had an hour-glass of a waist, and walked uneasily upon his
high-heeled boots. “Tell your master that he shall have two millions
more, but not another shilling,” Rafael said. “That story about the
five-and-twenty millions of ready money at Cronstadt is all bosh. They
won’t believe it in Europe. You understand me, Count Grogomoffski?”

“But his Imperial Majesty said four millions, and I shall get the knout

“Go and speak to Mr. Shadrach, in room Z 94, the fourth court,” said
Mendoza good-naturedly. “Leave me at peace, Count: don’t you see it is
Friday, and almost sunset?” The Calmuck envoy retired cringing, and left
an odor of musk and candle-grease behind him.

An orange-man; an emissary from Lola Montes; a dealer in piping
bullfinches; and a Cardinal in disguise, with a proposal for a new loan
for the Pope, were heard by turns; and each, after a rapid colloquy in
his own language, was dismissed by Rafael.

“The queen must come back from Aranjuez, or that king must be disposed
of,” Rafael exclaimed, as a yellow-faced amabassador from Spain, General
the Duke of Olla Podrida, left him. “Which shall it be, my Codlingsby?”
 Codlingsby was about laughingly to answer--for indeed he was amazed to
find all the affairs of the world represented here, and Holywell Street
the centre of Europe--when three knocks of a peculiar nature were heard,
and Mendoza starting up, said, “Ha! there are only four men in the world
who know that signal.” At once, and with a reverence quite distinct from
his former nonchalant manner, he advanced towards the new-comer.

He was an old man--an old man evidently, too, of the Hebrew race--the
light of his eyes was unfathomable--about his mouth there played an
inscrutable smile. He had a cotton umbrella, and old trousers, and old
boots, and an old wig, curling at the top like a rotten old pear.

He sat down, as if tired, in the first seat at hand, as Rafael made him
the lowest reverence.

“I am tired,” says he; “I have come in fifteen hours. I am ill at
Neuilly,” he added with a grin. “Get me some eau sucree, and tell me the
news, Prince de Mendoza. These bread rows; this unpopularity of Guizot;
this odious Spanish conspiracy against my darling Montpensier and
daughter; this ferocity of Palmerston against Coletti, makes me quite
ill. Give me your opinion, my dear duke. But ha! whom have we here?”

The august individual who had spoken, had used the Hebrew language
to address Mendoza, and the Lord Codlingsby might easily have pleaded
ignorance of that tongue. But he had been at Cambridge, where all the
youth acquire it perfectly.

“SIRE,” said he, “I will not disguise from you that I know the ancient
tongue in which you speak. There are probably secrets between Mendoza
and your Maj--”

“Hush!” said Rafael, leading him from the room. “Au revoir, dear
Codlingsby. His Majesty is one of US,” he whispered at the door; “so is
the Pope of Rome; so is . . .”--a whisper concealed the rest.

“Gracious powers! is it so?” said Codlingsby, musing. He entered into
Holywell Street. The sun was sinking.

“It is time,” said he, “to go and fetch Armida to the Olympic.”





The gabion was ours. After two hours’ fighting we were in possession of
the first embrasure, and made ourselves as comfortable as circumstances
would admit. Jack Delamere, Tom Delancy, Jerry Blake, the Doctor, and
myself, sat down under a pontoon, and our servants laid out a hasty
supper on a tumbrel. Though Cambaceres had escaped me so provokingly
after I cut him down, his spoils were mine; a cold fowl and a Bologna
sausage were found in the Marshal’s holsters; and in the haversack of a
French private who lay a corpse on the glacis, we found a loaf of bread,
his three days’ ration. Instead of salt, we had gunpowder; and you may
be sure, wherever the Doctor was, a flask of good brandy was behind him
in his instrument-case. We sat down and made a soldier’s supper. The
Doctor pulled a few of the delicious fruit from the lemon-trees growing
near (and round which the Carabineers and the 24th Leger had made a
desperate rally), and punch was brewed in Jack Delamere’s helmet.

“‘Faith, it never had so much wit in it before,” said the Doctor, as he
ladled out the drink. We all roared with laughing, except the guardsman,
who was as savage as a Turk at a christening.

“Buvez-en,” said old Sawbones to our French prisoner; “ca vous fera
du bien, mon vieux coq!” and the Colonel, whose wound had been just
dressed, eagerly grasped at the proffered cup, and drained it with a
health to the donors.

How strange are the chances of war! But half an hour before he and
I were engaged in mortal combat, and our prisoner was all but my
conqueror. Grappling with Cambaceres, whom I knocked from his horse, and
was about to despatch, I felt a lunge behind, which luckily was parried
by my sabretache; a herculean grasp was at the next instant at my
throat--I was on the ground--my prisoner had escaped, and a gigantic
warrior in the uniform of a colonel of the regiment of Artois glaring
over me with pointed sword.

“Rends-toi, coquin!” said he.

“Allez an Diable!” said I: “a Fogarty never surrenders.”

I thought of my poor mother and my sisters, at the old house in
Killaloo--I felt the tip of his blade between my teeth--I breathed a
prayer, and shut my eyes--when the tables were turned--the butt-end of
Lanty Clancy’s musket knocked the sword up and broke the arm that held

“Thonamoundiaoul nabochlish,” said the French officer, with a curse in
the purest Irish. It was lucky I stopped laughing time enough to bid
Lanty hold his hand, for the honest fellow would else have brained my
gallant adversary. We were the better friends for our combat, as what
gallant hearts are not?

The breach was to be stormed at sunset, and like true soldiers we
sat down to make the most of our time. The rogue of a Doctor took the
liver-wing for his share--we gave the other to our guest, a prisoner;
those scoundrels Jack Delamere and Tom Delaney took the legs--and,
‘faith, poor I was put off with the Pope’s nose and a bit of the back.

“How d’ye like his Holiness’s FAYTURE?” said Jerry Blake.

“Anyhow you’ll have a MERRY THOUGHT,” cried the incorrigible Doctor, and
all the party shrieked at the witticism.

“De mortuis nil nisi bonum,” said Jack, holding up the drumstick clean.

“‘Faith, there’s not enough of it to make us CHICKEN-HEARTED, anyhow,”
 said I; “come, boys, let’s have a song.”

“Here goes,” said Tom Delaney, and sung the following lyric, of his own

     “Dear Jack, this white mug that with Guinness I fill,
     And drink to the health of sweet Nan of the hill,
     Was once Tommy Tosspot’s, as jovial a sot,
     As e’er drew a spigot, or drain’d a full pot--
     In drinking all round ‘twas his joy to surpass,
     And with all merry tipplers he swigg’d off his glass.

     “One morning in summer, while seated so snug,
     In the porch of his garden, discussing his jug,
     Stern Death, on a sudden, to Tom did appear,
     And said, ‘Honest Thomas, come take your last bier;’
     We kneaded his clay in the shape of this can,
     From which let us drink to the health of my Nan.”

“Psha!” said the Doctor, “I’ve heard that song before; here’s a new one
for you, boys!” and Sawbones began, in a rich Corkagian voice--

          “You’ve all heard of Larry O’Toole,
           Of the beautiful town of Drumgoole;
                He had but one eye,
                To ogle ye by--
           Oh, murther, but that was a jew’l!
                A fool
           He made of de girls, dis O’Toole.

          “‘Twas he was the boy didn’t fail,
           That tuck down pataties and mail;
                He never would shrink
                From any sthrong dthrink,
           Was it whisky or Drogheda ale;
                I’m bail
           This Larry would swallow a pail.

          “Oh, many a night at the bowl,
           With Larry I’ve sot cheek by jowl;
               He’s gone to his rest,
                Where there’s dthrink of the best,
           And so let us give his old sowl
                A howl,
           For twas he made the noggin to rowl.”

I observed the French Colonel’s eye glistened as he heard these
well-known accents of his country but we were too well-bred to pretend
to remark his emotion.

The sun was setting behind the mountains as our songs were finished, and
each began to look out with some anxiety for the preconcerted signal,
the rocket from Sir Hussey Vivian’s quarters, which was to announce
the recommencement of hostilities. It came just as the moon rose in her
silver splendor, and ere the rocket-stick fell quivering to the earth at
the feet of General Picton and Sir Lowry Cole, who were at their posts
at the head of the storming-parties, nine hundred and ninety nine guns
in position opened their fire from our batteries, which were answered by
a tremendous canonnade from the fort.

“Who’s going to dance?” said the Doctor: “the ball’s begun. Ha! there
goes poor Jack Delamere’s head off! The ball chose a soft one, anyhow.
Come here, Tim, till I mend your leg. Your wife has need only knit half
as many stockings next year, Doolan my boy. Faix! there goes a big one
had wellnigh stopped my talking: bedad! it has snuffed the feather off
my cocked hat!”

In this way, with eighty-four-pounders roaring over us like hail, the
undaunted little Doctor pursued his jokes and his duty. That he had
a feeling heart, all who served with him knew, and none more so than
Philip Fogarty, the humble writer of this tale of war.

Our embrasure was luckily bomb-proof, and the detachment of the
Onety-oneth under my orders suffered comparatively little. “Be cool,
boys,” I said; “it will be hot enough work for you ere long.” The
honest fellows answered with an Irish cheer. I saw that it affected our

“Countryman,” said I, “I know you; but an Irishman was never a traitor.”

“Taisez-vous!” said he, putting his finger to his lip. “C’est la
fortune de la guerre: if ever you come to Paris, ask for the Marquis d’
O’Mahony, and I may render you the hospitality which your tyrannous laws
prevent me from exercising in the ancestral halls of my own race.”

I shook him warmly by the hand as a tear bedimmed his eye. It was,
then, the celebrated colonel of the Irish Brigade, created a Marquis by
Napoleon on the field of Austerlitz!

“Marquis,” said I, “the country which disowns you is proud of you;
but--ha! here, if I mistake not, comes our signal to advance.” And in
fact, Captain Vandeleur, riding up through the shower of shot, asked for
the commander of the detachment, and bade me hold myself in readiness
to move as soon as the flank companies of the Ninety-ninth, and
Sixty-sixth, and the Grenadier Brigade of the German Legion began to
advance up the echelon. The devoted band soon arrived; Jack Bowser
heading the Ninety-ninth (when was he away and a storming-party to the
fore?), and the gallant Potztausend, with his Hanoverian veterans.

The second rocket flew up.

“Forward, Onety-oneth!” cried I, in a voice of thunder. “Killaloo boys,
follow your captain!” and with a shrill hurray, that sounded above the
tremendous fire from the fort, we sprung upon the steep; Bowser with the
brave Ninety-ninth, and the bold Potztausend, keeping well up with
us. We passed the demilune, we passed the culverin, bayoneting the
artillerymen at their guns; we advanced across the two tremendous
demilunes which flank the counterscarp, and prepared for the final
spring upon the citadel. Soult I could see quite pale on the wall; and
the scoundrel Cambaceres, who had been so nearly my prisoner that day,
trembled as he cheered his men. “On, boys, on!” I hoarsely exclaimed.
“Hurroo!” said the fighting Onety-oneth.

But there was a movement among the enemy. An officer, glittering with
orders, and another in a gray coat and a cocked hat, came to the wall,
and I recognized the Emperor Napoleon and the famous Joachim Murat.

“We are hardly pressed, methinks,” Napoleon said sternly. “I must
exercise my old trade as an artilleryman;” and Murat loaded, and the
Emperor pointed the only hundred-and-twenty-four-pounder that had not
been silenced by our fire.

“Hurray, Killaloo boys!” shouted I. The next moment a sensation of
numbness and death seized me, and I lay like a corpse upon the rampart.


“Hush!” said a voice, which I recognized to be that of the Marquis d’
O’Mahony. “Heaven be praised, reason has returned to you. For six weeks
those are the only sane words I have heard from you.”

“Faix, and ‘tis thrue for you, Colonel dear,” cried another voice, with
which I was even more familiar; ‘twas that of my honest and gallant
Lanty Clancy, who was blubbering at my bedside overjoyed at his master’s

“O musha, Masther Phil agrah! but this will be the great day intirely,
when I send off the news, which I would, barrin’ I can’t write, to
the lady your mother and your sisters at Castle Fogarty; and ‘tis his
Riv’rence Father Luke will jump for joy thin, when he reads the letther!
Six weeks ravin’ and roarin’ as bould as a lion, and as mad as Mick
Malony’s pig, that mistuck Mick’s wig for a cabbage, and died of atin’

“And have I then lost my senses?” I exclaimed feebly.

“Sure, didn’t ye call me your beautiful Donna Anna only yesterday,
and catch hould of me whiskers as if they were the Signora’s jet-black
ringlets?” Lanty cried.

At this moment, and blushing deeply, the most beautiful young creature
I ever set my eyes upon, rose from a chair at the foot of the bed, and
sailed out of the room.

“Confusion, you blundering rogue,” I cried; “who is that lovely lady
whom you frightened away by your impertinence? Donna Anna? Where am I?”

“You are in good hands, Philip,” said the Colonel; “you are at my house
in the Place Vendome, at Paris, of which I am the military Governor. You
and Lanty were knocked down by the wind of the cannon-ball at Burgos. Do
not be ashamed: ‘twas the Emperor pointed the gun;” and the Colonel took
off his hat as he mentioned the name darling to France. “When our troops
returned from the sally in which your gallant storming party was driven
back, you were found on the glacis, and I had you brought into the
City. Your reason had left you, however, when you returned to life; but,
unwilling to desert the son of my old friend, Philip Fogarty, who saved
my life in ‘98, I brought you in my carriage to Paris.”

“And many’s the time you tried to jump out of the windy, Masther Phil,”
 said Clancy.

“Brought you to Paris,” resumed the Colonel, smiling; “where, by the
soins of my friends Broussais, Esquirol, and Baron Larrey, you have been
restored to health, thank heaven!”

“And that lovely angel who quitted the apartment?” I cried.

“That lovely angel is the Lady Blanche Sarsfield, my ward, a descendant
of the gallant Lucan, and who may be, when she chooses, Madame la
Marechale de Cambaceres, Duchess of Illyria.”

“Why did you deliver the ruffian when he was in my grasp?” I cried.

“Why did Lanty deliver you when in mine?” the Colonel replied. “C’est
la fortune de la guerre, mon garcon; but calm yourself, and take this
potion which Blanche has prepared for you.”

I drank the tisane eagerly when I heard whose fair hands had compounded
it, and its effects were speedily beneficial to me, for I sank into a
cool and refreshing slumber.

From that day I began to mend rapidly, with all the elasticity of
youth’s happy time. Blanche--the enchanting Blanche--ministered
henceforth to me, for I would take no medicine but from her lily hand.
And what were the effects? ‘Faith, ere a month was past, the patient was
over head and ears in love with the doctor; and as for Baron Larrey, and
Broussais, and Esquirol, they were sent to the right-about. In a short
time I was in a situation to do justice to the gigot aux navets, the
boeuf aux cornichons, and the other delicious entremets of the Marquis’s
board, with an appetite that astonished some of the Frenchmen who
frequented it.

“Wait till he’s quite well, Miss,” said Lanty, who waited always behind
me. “‘Faith! when he’s in health, I’d back him to ate a cow, barrin’ the
horns and teel.” I sent a decanter at the rogue’s head, by way of answer
to his impertinence.

Although the disgusting Cambaceres did his best to have my parole
withdrawn from me, and to cause me to be sent to the English depot of
prisoners at Verdun, the Marquis’s interest with the Emperor prevailed,
and I was allowed to remain at Paris, the happiest of prisoners, at the
Colonel’s hotel at the Place Vendome. I here had the opportunity (an
opportunity not lost, I flatter myself, on a young fellow with the
accomplishments of Philip Fogarty, Esq.) of mixing with the elite of
French society, and meeting with many of the great, the beautiful,
and the brave. Talleyrand was a frequent guest of the Marquis’s. His
bon-mots used to keep the table in a roar. Ney frequently took his chop
with us; Murat, when in town, constantly dropt in for a cup of tea and
friendly round game. Alas! who would have thought those two gallant
heads would be so soon laid low? My wife has a pair of earrings which
the latter, who always wore them, presented to her--but we are advancing
matters. Anybody could see, “avec un demioeil,” as the Prince of
Benevento remarked, how affairs went between me and Blanche; but though
she loathed him for his cruelties and the odiousness of his person, the
brutal Cambaceres still pursued his designs upon her.

I recollect it was on St. Patrick’s Day. My lovely friend had procured,
from the gardens of the Empress Josephine, at Malmaison (whom we loved
a thousand times more than her Austrian successor, a sandy-haired
woman, between ourselves, with an odious squint), a quantity of shamrock
wherewith to garnish the hotel, and all the Irish in Paris were invited
to the national festival.

I and Prince Talleyrand danced a double hornpipe with Pauline Bonaparte
and Madame de Stael; Marshal Soult went down a couple of sets with
Madame Recamier; and Robespierre’s widow--an excellent, gentle creature,
quite unlike her husband--stood up with the Austrian ambassador.
Besides, the famous artists Baron Gros, David and Nicholas Poussin, and
Canova, who was in town making a statue of the Emperor for Leo X., and,
in a word, all the celebrities of Paris--as my gifted countrywoman, the
wild Irish girl, calls them--were assembled in the Marquis’s elegant

At last a great outcry was raised for La Gigue Irlandaise! La Gigue
Irlandaise! a dance which had made a fureur amongst the Parisians ever
since the lovely Blanche Sarsfield had danced it. She stepped forward
and took me for a partner, and amidst the bravoes of the crowd, in
which stood Ney, Murat, Lannes, the Prince of Wagram, and the Austrian
ambassador, we showed to the beau monde of the French capital, I flatter
myself, a not unfavorable specimen of the dance of our country.

As I was cutting the double-shuffle, and toe-and-heeling it in the
“rail” style, Blanche danced up to me, smiling, and said, “Be on your
guard; I see Cambaceres talking to Fouche, the Duke of Otranto, about
us; and when Otranto turns his eyes upon a man, they bode him no good.”

“Cambaceres is jealous,” said I. “I have it,” says she; “I’ll make him
dance a turn with me.” So, presently, as the music was going like mad
all this time, I pretended fatigue from my late wounds, and sat down.
The lovely Blanche went up smiling, and brought out Cambaceres as a
second partner.

The Marshal is a lusty man, who makes desperate efforts to give himself
a waist, and the effect of the exercise upon him was speedily visible.
He puffed and snorted like a walrus, drops trickled down his purple
face, while my lovely mischief of a Blanche went on dancing at treble
quick, till she fairly danced him down.

“Who’ll take the flure with me?” said the charming girl, animated by the

“Faix, den, ‘tis I, Lanty Clancy!” cried my rascal, who had been mad
with excitement at the scene; and, stepping in with a whoop and a
hurroo, he began to dance with such rapidity as made all present stare.

As the couple were footing it, there was a noise as of a rapid cavalcade
traversing the Place Vendome, and stopping at the Marquis’s door. A
crowd appeared to mount the stair; the great doors of the reception-room
were flung open, and two pages announced their Majesties the Emperor and
the Empress. So engaged were Lanty and Blanche, that they never heard
the tumult occasioned by the august approach.

It was indeed the Emperor, who, returning from the Theatre Francais, and
seeing the Marquis’s windows lighted up, proposed to the Empress to drop
in on the party. He made signs to the musicians to continue: and the
conqueror of Marengo and Friedland watched with interest the simple
evolutions of two happy Irish people. Even the Empress smiled and,
seeing this, all the courtiers, including Naples and Talleyrand, were

“Is not this a great day for Ireland?” said the Marquis, with a tear
trickling down his noble face. “O Ireland! O my country! But no more of
that. Go up, Phil, you divvle, and offer her Majesty the choice of punch
or negus.”

Among the young fellows with whom I was most intimate in Paris was
Eugene Beauharnais, the son of the ill-used and unhappy Josephine by her
former marriage with a French gentleman of good family. Having a smack
of the old blood in him, Eugene’s manners were much more refined than
those of the new-fangled dignitaries of the Emperor’s Court, where (for
my knife and fork were regularly laid at the Tuileries) I have seen my
poor friend Murat repeatedly mistake a fork for a toothpick, and the
gallant Massena devour pease by means of his knife, in a way more
innocent than graceful. Talleyrand, Eugene, and I used often to laugh at
these eccentricities of our brave friends; who certainly did not shine
in the drawing-room, however brilliant they were in the field of battle.
The Emperor always asked me to take wine with him, and was full of
kindness and attention.

“I like Eugene,” he would say, pinching my ear confidentially, as his
way was--“I like Eugene to keep company with such young fellows as you;
you have manners; you have principles; my rogues from the camp have
none. And I like you, Philip my boy,” he added, “for being so attentive
to my poor wife--the Empress Josephine, I mean.” All these honors made
my friends at the Marquis’s very proud, and my enemies at Court crever
with envy. Among these, the atrocious Cambaceres was not the least
active and envenomed.

The cause of the many attentions which were paid to me, and which, like
a vain coxcomb, I had chosen to attribute to my own personal amiability,
soon was apparent. Having formed a good opinion of my gallantry from my
conduct in various actions and forlorn hopes during the war, the Emperor
was most anxious to attach me to his service. The Grand Cross of St.
Louis, the title of Count, the command of a crack cavalry regiment, the
l4me Chevaux Marins, were the bribes that were actually offered to me;
and must I say it? Blanche, the lovely, the perfidious Blanche, was one
of the agents employed to tempt me to commit this act of treason.

“Object to enter a foreign service!” she said, in reply to my refusal.
“It is you, Philip, who are in a foreign service. The Irish nation is in
exile, and in the territories of its French allies. Irish traitors are
not here; they march alone under the accursed flag of the Saxon, whom
the great Napoleon would have swept from the face of the earth, but for
the fatal valor of Irish mercenaries! Accept this offer, and my heart,
my hand, my all are yours. Refuse it, Philip, and we part.”

“To wed the abominable Cambaceres!” I cried, stung with rage. “To wear
a duchess’s coronet, Blanche! Ha, ha! Mushrooms, instead of
strawberry-leaves, should decorate the brows of the upstart French
nobility. I shall withdraw my parole. I demand to be sent to prison--to
be exchanged--to die--anything rather than be a traitor, and the tool of
a traitress!” Taking up my hat, I left the room in a fury; and flinging
open the door tumbled over Cambaceres, who was listening at the
key-hole, and must have overheard every word of our conversation.

We tumbled over each other, as Blanche was shrieking with laughter at
our mutual discomfiture. Her scorn only made me more mad; and, having
spurs on, I began digging them into Cambaceres’ fat sides as we rolled
on the carpet, until the Marshal howled with rage and anger.

“This insult must be avenged with blood!” roared the Duke of Illyria.

“I have already drawn it,” says I, “with my spurs.”

“Malheur et malediction!” roared the Marshal.

“Hadn’t you better settle your wig?” says I, offering it to him on the
tip of my cane, “and we’ll arrange time and place when you have put your
jasey in order.” I shall never forget the look of revenge which he cast
at me, as I was thus turning him into ridicule before his mistress.

“Lady Blanche,” I continued bitterly, “as you look to share the Duke’s
coronet, hadn’t you better see to his wig?” and so saying, I cocked my
hat, and walked out of the Marquis’s place, whistling “Garryowen.”

I knew my man would not be long in following me, and waited for him in
the Place Vendome, where I luckily met Eugene too, who was looking
at the picture-shop in the corner. I explained to him my affair in a
twinkling. He at once agreed to go with me to the ground, and commended
me, rather than otherwise, for refusing the offer which had been made
to me. “I knew it would be so,” he said, kindly; “I told my father you
wouldn’t. A man with the blood of the Fogarties, Phil my boy, doesn’t
wheel about like those fellows of yesterday.” So, when Cambaceres came
out, which he did presently, with a more furious air than before, I
handed him at once over to Eugene, who begged him to name a friend, and
an early hour for the meeting to take place.

“Can you make it before eleven, Phil?” said Beauharnais. “The Emperor
reviews the troops in the Bois de Boulogne at that hour, and we might
fight there handy before the review.”

“Done!” said I. “I want of all things to see the newly-arrived Saxon
cavalry manoeuvre:” on which Cambaceres, giving me a look, as much as
to say, “See sights! Watch cavalry manoeuvres! Make your soul, and
take measure for a coffin, my boy!” walked away, naming our mutual
acquaintance, Marshal Ney, to Eugene, as his second in the business.

I had purchased from Murat a very fine Irish horse, Bugaboo, out of
Smithereens, by Fadladeen, which ran into the French ranks at Salamanca,
with poor Jack Clonakilty, of the 13th, dead, on the top of him. Bugaboo
was too much and too ugly an animal for the King of Naples, who, though
a showy horseman, was a bad rider across country; and I got the horse
for a song. A wickeder and uglier brute never wore pig-skin; and I never
put my leg over such a timber-jumper in my life. I rode the horse down
to the Bois de Boulogne on the morning that the affair with Cambaceres
was to come off, and Lanty held him as I went in, “sure to win,” as they
say in the ring.

Cambaceres was known to be the best shot in the French army; but I, who
am a pretty good hand at a snipe, thought a man was bigger, and that I
could wing him if I had a mind. As soon as Ney gave the word, we both
fired: I felt a whiz past my left ear, and putting up my hand there,
found a large piece of my whiskers gone; whereas at the same moment, and
shrieking a horrible malediction, my adversary reeled and fell.

“Mon Dieu, il est mort!” cried Ney.

“Pas de tout,” said Beauharnais. “Ecoute; il jure toujours.”

And such, indeed, was the fact: the supposed dead man lay on the ground
cursing most frightfully. We went up to him: he was blind with the
loss of blood, and my ball had carried off the bridge of his nose. He
recovered; but he was always called the Prince of Ponterotto in the
French army, afterwards. The surgeon in attendance having taken charge
of this unfortunate warrior, we rode off to the review where Ney and
Eugene were on duty at the head of their respective divisions; and
where, by the way, Cambaceres, as the French say, “se faisait desirer.”

It was arranged that Cambaceres’ division of six battalions and
nine-and-twenty squadrons should execute a ricochet movement, supported
by artillery in the intervals, and converging by different epaulements
on the light infantry, that formed, as usual, the centre of the line.
It was by this famous manoeuvre that at Arcola, at Montenotte, at
Friedland, and subsequently at Mazagran, Suwaroff, Prince Charles, and
General Castanos were defeated with such victorious slaughter: but it
is a movement which, I need not tell every military man, requires the
greatest delicacy of execution, and which, if it fails, plunges an army
into confusion.

“Where is the Duke of Illyria?” Napoleon asked. “At the head of his
division, no doubt,” said Murat: at which Eugene, giving me an arch
look, put his hand to his nose, and caused me almost to fall off my
horse with laughter. Napoleon looked sternly at me; but at this moment
the troops getting in motion, the celebrated manoeuvre began, and his
Majesty’s attention was taken off from my impudence.

Milhaud’s Dragoons, their bands playing “Vive Henri Quatre,” their
cuirasses gleaming in the sunshine, moved upon their own centre from the
left flank in the most brilliant order, while the Carbineers of Foy, and
the Grenadiers of the Guard under Drouet d’Erlon, executed a carambolade
on the right, with the precision which became those veteran troops; but
the Chasseurs of the young guard, marching by twos instead of threes,
bore consequently upon the Bavarian Uhlans (an ill-disciplined and
ill-affected body), and then, falling back in disorder, became entangled
with the artillery and the left centre of the line, and in one instant
thirty thousand men were in inextricable confusion.

“Clubbed, by Jabers!” roared out Lanty Clancy. “I wish we could show ‘em
the Fighting Onety-oneth, Captain darling.”

“Silence, fellow!” I exclaimed. I never saw the face of man express
passion so vividly as now did the livid countenance of Napoleon. He tore
off General Milhaud’s epaulettes, which he flung into Foy’s face. He
glared about him wildly, like a demon, and shouted hoarsely for the Duke
of Illyria. “He is wounded, Sire,” said General Foy, wiping a tear from
his eye, which was blackened by the force of the blow; “he was wounded
an hour since in a duel, Sire, by a young English prisoner, Monsieur de

“Wounded! a marshal of France wounded! Where is the Englishman? Bring
him out, and let a file of grenadiers--”

“Sire!” interposed Eugene.

“Let him be shot!” shrieked the Emperor, shaking his spyglass at me with
the fury of a fiend.

This was too much. “Here goes!” said I, and rode slap at him.

There was a shriek of terror from the whole of the French army, and
I should think at least forty thousand guns were levelled at me in an
instant. But as the muskets were not loaded, and the cannon had only
wadding in them, these facts, I presume, saved the life of Phil Fogarty
from this discharge.

Knowing my horse, I put him at the Emperor’s head, and Bugaboo went at
it like a shot. He was riding his famous white Arab, and turned quite
pale as I came up and went over the horse and the Emperor, scarcely
brushing the cockade which he wore.

“Bravo!” said Murat, bursting into enthusiasm at the leap.

“Cut him down!” said Sieyes, once an Abbe, but now a gigantic
Cuirassier; and he made a pass at me with his sword. But he little knew
an Irishman on an Irish horse. Bugaboo cleared Sieyes, and fetched the
monster a slap with his near hind hoof which sent him reeling from his
saddle,--and away I went, with an army of a hundred and seventy-three
thousand eight hundred men at my heels. * * * *




It was upon one of those balmy evenings of November, which are only
known in the valleys of Languedoc and among the mountains of Alsace,
that two cavaliers might have been perceived by the naked eye threading
one of the rocky and romantic gorges that skirt the mountain-land
between the Marne and the Garonne. The rosy tints of the declining
luminary were gilding the peaks and crags which lined the path, through
which the horsemen wound slowly; and as these eternal battlements with
which Nature had hemmed in the ravine which our travellers trod, blushed
with the last tints of the fading sunlight, the valley below was gray
and darkling, and the hard and devious course was sombre in twilight.
A few goats, hardly visible among the peaks, were cropping the scanty
herbage here and there. The pipes of shepherds, calling in their flocks
as they trooped homewards to their mountain villages, sent up plaintive
echoes which moaned through those rocky and lonely steeps; the stars
began to glimmer in the purple heavens spread serenely overhead and
the faint crescent of the moon, which had peered for some time scarce
visible in the azure, gleamed out more brilliantly at every moment,
until it blazed as if in triumph at the sun’s retreat. ‘Tis a fair land
that of France, a gentle, a green, and a beautiful; the home of arts
and arms, of chivalry and romance, and (however sadly stained by the
excesses of modern times) ‘twas the unbought grace of nations once, and
the seat of ancient renown and disciplined valor.

And of all that fair land of France, whose beauty is so bright and
bravery is so famous, there is no spot greener or fairer than that one
over which our travellers wended, and which stretches between the good
towns of Vendemiaire and Nivose. ‘Tis common now to a hundred thousand
voyagers: the English tourist, with his chariot and his Harvey’s Sauce,
and his imperials; the bustling commis-voyageur on the roof of the
rumbling diligence; the rapid malle-poste thundering over the chaussee
at twelve miles an hour--pass the ground hourly and daily now: ‘twas
lonely and unfrequented at the end of that seventeenth century with
which our story commences.

Along the darkening mountain-paths the two gentlemen (for such their
outward bearing proclaimed them) caracoled together. The one, seemingly
the younger of the twain, wore a flaunting feather in his barret-cap,
and managed a prancing Andalusian palfrey that bounded and curveted
gayly. A surcoat of peach-colored samite and a purfled doublet of vair
bespoke him noble, as did his brilliant eye, his exquisitely chiselled
nose, and his curling chestnut ringlets.

Youth was on his brow; his eyes were dark and dewy, like spring-violets;
and spring-roses bloomed upon his cheek--roses, alas! that bloom and die
with life’s spring! Now bounding over a rock, now playfully whisking off
with his riding rod a floweret in his path, Philibert de Coquelicot rode
by his darker companion.

His comrade was mounted upon a destriere of the true Norman breed,
that had first champed grass on the green pastures of Aquitaine. Thence
through Berry, Picardy, and the Limousin, halting at many a city
and commune, holding joust and tourney in many a castle and manor
of Navarre, Poitou, and St. Germain l’Auxerrois, the warrior and his
charger reached the lonely spot where now we find them.

The warrior who bestrode the noble beast was in sooth worthy of the
steed which bore him. Both were caparisoned in the fullest trappings
of feudal war. The arblast, the mangonel, the demiculverin, and the
cuissart of the period, glittered upon the neck and chest of the
war-steed; while the rider, with chamfron and catapult, with ban and
arriere-ban, morion and tumbrel, battle-axe and rifflard, and the
other appurtenances of ancient chivalry, rode stately on his steel-clad
charger, himself a tower of steel. This mighty horseman was carried by
his steed as lightly as the young springald by his Andalusian hackney.

“‘Twas well done of thee, Philibert,” said he of the proof-armor, “to
ride forth so far to welcome thy cousin and companion in arms.”

“Companion in battledore and shuttlecock, Romane de Clos-Vougeot!”
 replied the younger Cavalier. “When I was yet a page, thou wert a belted
knight; and thou wert away to the Crusades ere ever my beard grew.”

“I stood by Richard of England at the gates of Ascalon, and drew the
spear from sainted King Louis in the tents of Damietta,” the individual
addressed as Romane replied. “Well-a-day! since thy beard grew, boy,
(and marry ‘tis yet a thin one,) I have broken a lance with Solyman at
Rhodes, and smoked a chibouque with Saladin at Acre. But enough of this.
Tell me of home--of our native valley--of my hearth, and my lady-mother,
and my good chaplain--tell me of HER, Philibert,” said the knight,
executing a demivolt, in order to hide his emotion.

Philibert seemed uneasy, and to strive as though he would parry the
question. “The castle stands on the rock,” he said, “and the swallows
still build in the battlements. The good chaplain still chants his
vespers at morn, and snuffles his matins at even-song. The lady-mother
still distributeth tracts, and knitteth Berlin linsey-woolsey. The
tenants pay no better, and the lawyers dun as sorely, kinsman mine,” he
added with an arch look.

“But Fatima, Fatima, how fares she?” Romane continued. “Since Lammas
was a twelvemonth, I hear nought of her; my letters are unanswered.
The postman hath traversed our camp every day, and never brought me a
billet. How is Fatima, Philibert de Coquelicot?”

“She is--well,” Philibert replied; “her sister Anne is the fairest of
the twain, though.”

“Her sister Anne was a baby when I embarked for Egypt. A plague on
sister Anne! Speak of Fatima, Philibert--my blue-eyed Fatima!”

“I say she is--well,” answered his comrade gloomily.

“Is she dead? Is she ill? Hath she the measles? Nay, hath she had the
small-pox, and lost her beauty? Speak; speak, boy!” cried the knight,
wrought to agony.

“Her cheek is as red as her mother’s, though the old Countess paints
hers every day. Her foot is as light as a sparrow’s, and her voice as
sweet as a minstrel’s dulcimer; but give me nathless the Lady Anne,”
 cried Philibert; “give me the peerless Lady Anne! As soon as ever I have
won spurs, I will ride all Christendom through, and proclaim her the
Queen of Beauty. Ho, Lady Anne! Lady Anne!” and so saying--but evidently
wishing to disguise some emotion, or conceal some tale his friend could
ill brook to hear--the reckless damoiseau galloped wildly forward.

But swift as was his courser’s pace, that of his companion’s enormous
charger was swifter. “Boy,” said the elder, “thou hast ill tidings. I
know it by thy glance. Speak: shall he who hath bearded grim Death in a
thousand fields shame to face truth from a friend? Speak, in the name
of heaven and good Saint Botibol. Romane de Clos-Vougeot will bear your
tidings like a man!”

“Fatima is well,” answered Philibert once again; “she hath had no
measles: she lives and is still fair.”

“Fair, ay, peerless fair; but what more, Philibert? Not false? By Saint
Botibol, say not false,” groaned the elder warrior.

“A month syne,” Philibert replied, “she married the Baron de Barbazure.”

With that scream which is so terrible in a strong man in agony, the
brave knight Romane de Clos-Vougeot sank back at the words, and fell
from his charger to the ground, a lifeless mass of steel.


Like many another fabric of feudal war and splendor, the once vast and
magnificent Castle of Barbazure is now a moss-grown ruin. The traveller
of the present day, who wanders by the banks of the silvery Loire, and
climbs the steep on which the magnificent edifice stood, can scarcely
trace, among the shattered masses of ivy-covered masonry which lie among
the lonely crags, even the skeleton of the proud and majestic palace
stronghold of the Barons of Barbazure.

In the days of our tale its turrets and pinnacles rose as stately, and
seemed (to the pride of sinful man!) as strong as the eternal rocks on
which they stood. The three mullets on a gules wavy reversed, surmounted
by the sinople couchant Or; the well-known cognizance of the house,
blazed in gorgeous heraldry on a hundred banners, surmounting as many
towers. The long lines of battlemented walls spread down the mountain
to the Loire, and were defended by thousands of steel-clad serving-men.
Four hundred knights and six times as many archers fought round the
banner of Barbazure at Bouvines, Malplaquet, and Azincour. For his
services at Fontenoy against the English, the heroic Charles Martel
appointed the fourteenth Baron Hereditary Grand Bootjack of the kingdom
of France; and for wealth, and for splendor, and for skill and fame
in war, Raoul, the twenty-eighth Baron, was in no-wise inferior to his
noble ancestors.

That the Baron Raoul levied toll upon the river and mail upon the shore;
that he now and then ransomed a burgher, plundered a neighbor, or drew
the fangs of a Jew; that he burned an enemy’s castle with the wife
and children within;--these were points for which the country knew and
respected the stout Baron. When he returned from victory, he was sure to
endow the Church with a part of his spoil, so that when he went forth to
battle he was always accompanied by her blessing. Thus lived the Baron
Raoul, the pride of the country in which he dwelt, an ornament to the
Court, the Church, and his neighbors.

But in the midst of all his power and splendor there was a domestic
grief which deeply afflicted the princely Barbazure. His lovely ladies
died one after the other. No sooner was he married than he was a
widower; in the course of eighteen years no less than nine bereavements
had befallen the chieftain. So true it is, that if fortune is a
parasite, grief is a republican, and visits the hall of the great and
wealthy as it does the humbler tenements of the poor.


“Leave off deploring thy faithless, gad-about lover,” said the Lady of
Chacabacque to her daughter, the lovely Fatima, “and think how the noble
Barbazure loves thee! Of all the damsels at the ball last night, he had
eyes for thee and thy cousin only.”

“I am sure my cousin hath no good looks to be proud of!” the admirable
Fatima exclaimed, bridling up. “Not that I care for my Lord of
Barbazure’s looks. MY heart, dearest mother, is with him who is far

“He danced with thee four galliards, nine quadrilles, and twenty-three
corantoes, I think, child,” the mother said, eluding her daughter’s

“Twenty-five,” said lovely Fatima, casting her beautiful eyes to the
ground. “Heigh-ho! but Romane danced them very well!”

“He had not the court air,” the mother suggested.

“I don’t wish to deny the beauty of the Lord of Burbazure’s dancing,
mamma,” Fatima replied. “For a short, lusty man, ‘tis wondrous how
active he is; and in dignity the King’s Grace himself could not surpass

“You were the noblest couple in the room, love,” the lady cried.

“That pea-green doublet, slashed with orange-tawny, those ostrich
plumes, blue, red, and yellow, those party-colored hose and pink shoon,
became the noble baron wondrous well,” Fatima acknowledged. “It must be
confessed that, though middle-aged, he hath all the agility of youth.
But alas, madam! The noble baron hath had nine wives already.”

“And your cousin would give her eyes to become the tenth,” the mother

“My cousin give her eyes!” Fatima exclaimed. “It’s not much, I’m sure,
for she squints abominably.” And thus the ladies prattled, as they
rode home at night after the great ball at the house of the Baron of

The gentle reader, who has overheard their talk, will understand
the doubts which pervaded the mind of the lovely Fatima, and the
well-nurtured English maiden will participate in the divided feelings
which rent her bosom. ‘Tis true, that on his departure for the holy
wars, Romane and Fatima were plighted to each other; but the folly of
long engagements is proverbial; and though for many months the faithful
and affectionate girl had looked in vain for news from him, her
admirable parents had long spoken with repugnance of a match which must
bring inevitable poverty to both parties. They had suffered, ‘tis true,
the engagement to subside, hostile as they ever were to it; but when
on the death of the ninth lady of Barbazure, the noble baron remarked
Fatima at the funeral, and rode home with her after the ceremony, her
prudent parents saw how much wiser, better, happier for their child it
would be to have for life a partner like the baron, than to wait the
doubtful return of the penniless wanderer to whom she was plighted.

Ah! how beautiful and pure a being! how regardless of self! how true
to duty! how obedient to parental command, is that earthly angel, a
well-bred woman of genteel family! Instead of indulging in splenetic
refusals or vain regrets for her absent lover, the exemplary Fatima at
once signified to her excellent parents her willingness to obey their
orders; though she had sorrows (and she declared them to be tremendous),
the admirable being disguised them so well, that none knew they
oppressed her. She said she would try to forget former ties, and (so
strong in her mind was DUTY above every other feeling!--so strong may
it be in every British maiden!) the lovely girl kept her promise. “My
former engagements,” she said, packing up Romane’s letters and presents,
(which, as the good knight was mortal poor, were in sooth of no great
price)--“my former engagements I look upon as childish follies;--my
affections are fixed where my dear parents graft them--on the noble, the
princely, the polite Barbazure. ‘Tis true he is not comely in feature,
but the chaste and well-bred female knows how to despise the fleeting
charms of form. ‘Tis true he is old; but can woman be better employed
than in tending her aged and sickly companion? That he has been married
is likewise certain--but ah, my mother! who knows not that he must be a
good and tender husband, who, nine times wedded, owns that, he cannot be
happy without another partner?”

It was with these admirable sentiments the lovely Fatima proposed
obedience to her parents’ will, and consented to receive the magnificent
marriage-gift presented to her by her gallant bridegroom.


The old Countess of Chacabacque had made a score of vain attempts to see
her hapless daughter. Ever, when she came, the porters grinned at her
savagely through the grating of the portcullis of the vast embattled
gate of the Castle of Barbazure, and rudely bade her begone. “The Lady
of Barbazure sees nobody but her confessor, and keeps her chamber,” was
the invariable reply of the dogged functionaries to the entreaties of
the agonized mother. And at length, so furious was he at her perpetual
calls at his gate, that the angry Lord of Barbazure himself, who chanced
to be at the postern, armed a cross-bow, and let fly an arblast at the
crupper of the lady’s palfrey, whereon she fled finally, screaming, and
in terror. “I will aim at the rider next time!” howled the ferocious
baron, “and not at the horse!” And those who knew his savage nature and
his unrivalled skill as a bowman, knew that he would neither break his
knightly promise nor miss his aim.

Since the fatal day when the Grand Duke of Burgundy gave his famous
passage of arms at Nantes, and all the nobles of France were present at
the joustings, it was remarked that the Barbazure’s heart was changed
towards his gentle and virtuous lady.

For the three first days of that famous festival, the redoubted Baron
of Barbazure had kept the field against all the knights who entered.
His lance bore everything down before it. The most famous champions of
Europe, assembled at these joustings, had dropped, one by one, before
this tremendous warrior. The prize of the tourney was destined to be
his, and he was to be proclaimed bravest of the brave, as his lady was
the fairest of the fair.

On the third day, however, as the sun was declining over the Vosges,
and the shadows were lengthening over the plain where the warrior had
obtained such triumphs;--after having overcome two hundred and thirteen
knights of different nations, including the fiery Dunois, the intrepid
Walter Manny, the spotless Bayard, and the undaunted Dugueselin, as the
conqueror sat still erect on his charger, and the multitudes doubted
whether ever another champion could be found to face him, three blasts
of a trumpet were heard, faint at first, but at every moment ringing
more clearly, until a knight in pink armor rode into the lists with his
visor down, and riding a tremendous dun charger, which he managed to the
admiration of all present.

The heralds asked him his name and quality.

“Call me,” said he, in a hollow voice, “the Jilted Knight.” What was it
made the Lady of Barbazure tremble at his accents.

The knight refused to tell his name and qualities; but the companion
who rode with him, the young and noble Philibert de Coquelicot, who
was known and respected universally through the neighborhood, gave a
warranty for the birth and noble degree of the Jilted Knight--and Raoul
de Barbazure, yelling hoarsely for a two-hundred-and-fourteenth lance,
shook the huge weapon in the air as though it were a reed, and prepared
to encounter the intruder.

According to the wont of chivalry, and to keep the point of the spear
from harm, the top of the unknown knight’s lance was shielded with
a bung, which the warrior removed; and galloping up to Barbazure’s
pavilion, over which his shield hung, touched that noble cognizance with
the sharpened steel. A thrill of excitement ran through the assembly at
this daring challenge to a combat a l’outrance. “Hast thou confessed,
Sir Knight?” roared the Barbazure; “take thy ground, and look to
thyself; for by heaven thy last hour is come!” “Poor youth, poor youth!”
 sighed the spectators; “he has called down his own fate.” The next
minute the signal was given, and as the simoom across the desert, the
cataract down the rock, the shell from the howitzer, each warrior rushed
from his goal.


“Thou wilt not slay so good a champion?” said the Grand Duke, as at
the end of that terrific combat the knight in rose armor stood over
his prostrate foe, whose helmet had rolled off when he was at length
unhorsed, and whose bloodshot eyes glared unutterable hate and ferocity
on his conqueror.

“Take thy life,” said he who had styled himself the Jilted Knight; “thou
hast taken all that was dear to me.” And the sun setting, and no other
warrior appearing to do battle against him, he was proclaimed the
conqueror, and rode up to the duchess’s balcony to receive the gold
chain which was the reward of the victor. He raised his visor as the
smiling princess guerdoned him--raised it, and gave ONE sad look towards
the Lady Fatima at her side!

“Romane de Clos-Vougeot!” shrieked she, and fainted. The Baron of
Barbazure heard the name as he writhed on the ground with his wound, and
by his slighted honor, by his broken ribs, by his roused fury, he swore
revenge; and the Lady Fatima, who had come to the tourney as a queen,
returned to her castle as a prisoner.

(As it is impossible to give the whole of this remarkable novel, let it
suffice to say briefly here, that in about a volume and a half, in which
the descriptions of scenery, the account of the agonies of the baroness,
kept on bread and water in her dungeon, and the general tone of
morality, are all excellently worked out, the Baron de Barbazure
resolves upon putting his wife to death by the hands of the public


Two minutes before the clock struck noon, the savage baron was on
the platform to inspect the preparation for the frightful ceremony of

The block was laid forth--the hideous minister of vengeance, masked
and in black, with the flaming glaive in his hand, was ready. The baron
tried the edge of the blade with his finger, and asked the dreadful
swordsman if his hand was sure? A nod was the reply of the man of blood.
The weeping garrison and domestics shuddered and shrank from him. There
was not one there but loved and pitied the gentle lady.

Pale, pale as a stone, she was brought from her dungeon. To all her
lord’s savage interrogatories, her reply had been, “I am innocent.” To
his threats of death, her answer was, “You are my lord; my life is in
your hands, to take or to give.” How few are the wives, in our day, who
show such angelic meekness! It touched all hearts around her, save that
of the implacable Barbazure! Even the Lady Blanche, (Fatima’s cousin),
whom he had promised to marry upon his faithless wife’s demise, besought
for her kinswoman’s life, and a divorce; but Barbazure had vowed her

“Is there no pity, sir?” asked the chaplain who had attended her.

“No pity?” echoed the weeping serving-maid.

“Did I not aye say I would die for my lord?” said the gentle lady, and
placed herself at the block.

Sir Raoul de Barbazure seized up the long ringlets of her raven hair.
“Now!” shouted he to the executioner, with a stamp of his foot--“Now

The man (who knew his trade) advanced at once, and poised himself to
deliver his blow: and making his flashing sword sing in the air, with
one irresistible, rapid stroke, it sheared clean off the head of the
furious, the bloodthirsty, the implacable Baron de Barbazure!

Thus he fell a victim to his own jealousy: and the agitation of the Lady
Fatima may be imagined, when the executioner, flinging off his mask,
knelt gracefully at her feet, and revealed to her the well-known
features of Romane de Clos-Vougeot.




“CORBLEU! What a lovely creature that was in the Fitzbattleaxe box
to-night,” said one of a group of young dandies who were leaning over
the velvet-cushioned balconies of the “Coventry Club,” smoking their
full-flavored Cubas (from Hudson’s) after the opera.

Everybody stared at such an exclamation of enthusiasm from the lips
of the young Earl of Bagnigge, who was never heard to admire anything
except a coulis de dindonneau a la St. Menehould, or a supreme de
cochon en torticolis a la Piffarde; such as Champollion, the chef of
the “Traveller’s,” only knows how to dress; or the bouquet of a flask of
Medoc, of Carbonell’s best quality; or a goutte of Marasquin, from the
cellars of Briggs and Hobson.

Alured de Pentonville, eighteenth Earl of Bagnigge, Viscount Paon of
Islington, Baron Pancras, Kingscross, and a Baronet, was, like too
many of our young men of ton, utterly blase, although only in his
twenty-fourth year. Blest, luckily, with a mother of excellent
principles (who had imbued his young mind with that Morality which is so
superior to all the vain pomps of the world!) it had not been always the
young earl’s lot to wear the coronet for which he now in sooth cared so
little. His father, a captain of Britain’s navy, struck down by the
side of the gallant Collingwood in the Bay of Fundy, left little but his
sword and spotless name to his young, lovely, and inconsolable widow,
who passed the first years of her mourning in educating her child in an
elegant though small cottage in one of the romantic marine villages of
beautiful Devonshire. Her child! What a gush of consolation filled the
widow’s heart as she pressed him to it! How faithfully did she instil
into his young bosom those principles which had been the pole-star of
the existence of his gallant father!

In this secluded retreat, rank and wealth almost boundless found the
widow and her boy. The seventeenth Earl--gallant and ardent, and in
the prime of youth--went forth one day from the Eternal City to a
steeple-chase in the Campagna. A mutilated corpse was brought back to
his hotel in the Piazza di Spagna. Death, alas! is no respecter of the
Nobility. That shattered form was all that remained of the fiery, the
haughty, the wild, but the generous Altamont de Pentonville! Such, such
is fate!

The admirable Emily de Pentonville trembled with all a mother’s
solicitude at the distinctions and honors which thus suddenly descended
on her boy. She engaged an excellent clergyman of the Church of England
to superintend his studies; to accompany him on foreign travel when the
proper season arrived; to ward from him those dangers which dissipation
always throws in the way of the noble, the idle, and the wealthy. But
the Reverend Cyril Delaval died of the measles at Naples, and henceforth
the young Earl of Bagnigge was without a guardian.

What was the consequence? That, at three-and-twenty, he was a cynic and
an epicure. He had drained the cup of pleasure till it had palled in his
unnerved hand. He had looked at the Pyramids without awe, at the Alps
without reverence. He was unmoved by the sandy solitudes of the Desert
as by the placid depths of Mediterranean’s sea of blue. Bitter, bitter
tears did Emily de Pentonville weep, when, on Alured’s return from the
Continent, she beheld the awful change that dissipation had wrought in
her beautiful, her blue-eyed, her perverted, her still beloved boy!

“Corpo di Bacco,” he said, pitching the end of his cigar on to the red
nose of the Countess of Delawaddymore’s coachman--who, having deposited
her fat ladyship at No. 236 Piccadilly, was driving the carriage to
the stables, before commencing his evening at the “Fortune of War”
 public-house--“what a lovely creature that was! What eyes! what hair!
Who knows her? Do you, mon cher prince?”

“E bellissima, certamente,” said the Duca de Montepulciano, and stroked
down his jetty moustache.

“Ein gar schones Madchen,” said the Hereditary Grand Duke of
Eulenschreckenstein, and turned up his carroty one.

“Elle n’est pas mal, ma foi!” said the Prince de Borodino, with a scowl
on his darkling brows. “Mon Dieu, que ces cigarres sont mauvais!” he
added as he too cast away his Cuba.

“Try one of my Pickwicks,” said Franklin Fox, with a sneer, offering
his gold etui to the young Frenchman; “they are some of Pontet’s best,
Prince. What, do you bear malice? Come, let us be friends,” said the gay
and careless young patrician; but a scowl on the part of the Frenchman
was the only reply.

“Want to know who she is? Borodino knows who she is, Bagnigge,” the wag
went on.

Everybody crowded around Monsieur de Borodino thus apostrophized. The
Marquis of Alicompayne, young De Boots of the Lifeguards, Tom Protocol
of the Foreign Office; the gay young Peers, Farintosh, Poldoody, and the
rest; and Bagnigge, for a wonder, not less eager than any one present.

“No, he will tell you nothing about her. Don’t you see he has gone off
in a fury!” Franklin Fox continued. “He has his reasons, ce cher prince:
he will tell you nothing; but I will. You know that I am au mieux with
the dear old duchess.”

“They say Frank and she are engaged after the duke’s death,” cried

“I always thought Fwank was the duke’s illicit gweatgwandson,” drawled
out De Boots.

“I heard that he doctored her Blenheim, and used to bring her wigs from
Paris,” cried that malicious Tom Protocol, whose mots are known in every
diplomatic salon from Petersburg to Palermo.

“Burn her wigs and hang her poodle!” said Bagnigge. “Tell me about this
girl, Franklin Fox.”

“In the first place, she has five hundred thousand acres, in a ring
fence in Norfolk; a county in Scotland, a castle in Wales, a villa at
Richmond, a corner house in Belgrave Square, and eighty thousand a year
in the three-per-cents.”

“Apres?” said Bagnigge, still yawning.

“Secondly, Borodino lui fait la cour. They are cousins, her mother was
an Armagnac of the emigration; the old Marshal, his father, married
another sister. I believe he was footman in the family, before Napoleon
princified him.”

“No, no, he was second coachman,” Tom Protocol good-naturedly
interposed--“a cavalry officer, Frank, not an infantry man.”

“‘Faith you should have seen his fury (the young one’s, I mean) when
he found me in the duchess’s room this evening, tete-a-tete with the
heiress, who deigned to receive a bouquet from this hand.”

“It cost me three guineas,” poor Frank said, with a shrug and a sigh,
“and that Covent Garden scoundrel gives no credit: but she took the
flowers;--eh, Bagnigge?”

“And flung them to Alboni,” the Peer replied, with a haughty sneer. And
poor little Franklin Fox was compelled to own that she had.

The maitre d’hotel here announced that supper was served. It was
remarked that even the coulis de dindonneau made no impression on
Bagnigge that night.


The sensation produced by the debut of Amethyst Pimlico at the court
of the sovereign, and in the salons of the beau-monde, was such as has
seldom been created by the appearance of any other beauty. The men were
raving with love, and the women with jealousy. Her eyes, her beauty, her
wit, her grace, her ton, caused a perfect fureur of admiration or envy.

Introduced by the Duchess of Fitzbattleaxe, along with her Grace’s
daughters, the Ladies Gwendoline and Gwinever Portcullis, the heiress’s
regal beauty quite flung her cousins’ simple charms into the shade,
and blazed with a splendor which caused all “minor lights” to twinkle
faintly. Before a day the beau-monde, before a week even the vulgarians
of the rest of the town, rang with the fame of her charms; and while the
dandies and the beauties were raving about her, or tearing her to pieces
in May Fair, even Mrs. Dobbs (who had been to the pit of the “Hoperer”
 in a green turban and a crumpled yellow satin) talked about the great
HAIRESS to her D. in Bloomsbury Square.

Crowds went to Squab and Lynch’s, in Long Acre, to examine the carriages
building for her, so faultless, so splendid, so quiet, so odiously
unostentatious and provokingly simple! Besides the ancestral services of
argenterie and vaisselle plate, contained in a hundred and seventy-six
plate-chests at Messrs. Childs’, Rumble and Briggs prepared a gold
service, and Garraway, of the Haymarket, a service of the Benvenuto
Cellini pattern, which were the admiration of all London. Before a month
it is a fact that the wretched haberdashers in the city exhibited the
blue stocks, called “Heiress-killers, very chaste, two-and-six:”
 long before that, the monde had rushed to Madame Crinoline’s, or sent
couriers to Madame Marabou, at Paris, so as to have copies of
her dresses; but, as the Mantuan bard observes, “Non cuivis
contigit,”--every foot cannot accommodate itself to the chaussure of

With all this splendor, this worship, this beauty; with these cheers
following her, and these crowds at her feet, was Amethyst happy? Ah, no!
It is not under the necklace the most brilliant that Briggs and Rumble
can supply, it is not in Lynch’s best cushioned chariot that the heart
is most at ease. “Que je me ruinerai,” says Fronsac in a letter to
Bossuet, “si je savais ou acheter le bonheur!”

With all her riches, with all her splendor, Amethyst was
wretched--wretched, because lonely; wretched, because her loving heart
had nothing to cling to. Her splendid mansion was a convent; no male
person even entered it, except Franklin Fox, (who counted for nothing,)
and the duchess’s family, her kinsman old Lord Humpington, his friend
old Sir John Fogey, and her cousin, the odious, odious Borodino.

The Prince de Borodino declared openly that Amethyst was engaged to
him. Crible de dettes, it is no wonder that he should choose such an
opportunity to refaire sa fortune. He gave out that he would kill any
man who should cast an eye on the heiress, and the monster kept his
word. Major Grigg, of the Lifeguards, had already fallen by his hand at
Ostend. The O’Toole, who had met her on the Rhine, had received a ball
in his shoulder at Coblentz, and did not care to resume so dangerous a
courtship. Borodino could snuff a bougie at a hundred and fifty yards.
He could beat Bertrand or Alexander Dumas himself with the small-sword:
he was the dragon that watched this pomme d’or, and very few persons
were now inclined to face a champion si redoutable.

Over a salmi d’escargot at the “Coventry,” the dandies whom we
introduced in our last volume were assembled, there talking of the
heiress; and her story was told by Franklin Fox to Lord Bagnigge, who,
for a wonder, was interested in the tale. Borodino’s pretensions
were discussed, and the way in which the fair Amethyst was confined.
Fitzbattleaxe House, in Belgrave Square, is--as everybody knows--the
next mansion to that occupied by Amethyst. A communication was made
between the two houses. She never went out except accompanied by the
duchess’s guard, which it was impossible to overcome.

“Impossible! Nothing’s impossible,” said Lord Bagnigge.

“I bet you what you like you don’t get in,” said the young Marquis of

“I bet you a thousand ponies I stop a week in the heiress’s house before
the season’s over,” Lord Bagnigge replied with a yawn; and the bet was
registered with shouts of applause.

But it seemed as if the Fates had determined against Lord Bagnigge, for
the very next day, riding in the Park, his horse fell with him; he
was carried home to his house with a fractured limb and a dislocated
shoulder; and the doctor’s bulletins pronounced him to be in the most
dangerous state.

Martingale was a married man, and there was no danger of HIS riding
by the Fitzbattleaxe carriage. A fortnight after the above events, his
lordship was prancing by her Grace’s great family coach, and chattering
with Lady Gwinever about the strange wager.

“Do you know what a pony is, Lady Gwinever?” he asked. Her ladyship said
yes: she had a cream-colored one at Castle Barbican; and stared when
Lord Martingale announced that he should soon have a thousand ponies,
worth five-and-twenty pounds each, which were all now kept at Coutts’s.
Then he explained the circumstances of the bet with Bagnigge. Parliament
was to adjourn in ten days; the season would be over! Bagnigge was lying
ill chez lui; and the five-and-twenty thousand were irrecoverably his.
And he vowed he would buy Lord Binnacle’s yacht--crew, captain, guns and

On returning home that night from Lady Polkimore’s, Martingale found
among the many billets upon the gold plateau in his antichambre, the
following brief one, which made him start--

“DEAR MARTINGALE.--Don’t be too sure of Binnacle’s yacht. There are
still ten days before the season is over; and my ponies may lie at
Coutts’s for some time to come.



“P. S.--I write with my left hand; for my right is still splintered up
from that confounded fall.”


The tall footman, number four, who had come in the place of John,
cashiered, (for want of proper mollets, and because his hair did not
take powder well,) had given great satisfaction to the under-butler,
who reported well of him to his chief, who had mentioned his name with
praise to the house-steward. He was so good-looking and well-spoken a
young man, that the ladies in the housekeeper’s room deigned to notice
him more than once; nor was his popularity diminished on account of a
quarrel in which he engaged with Monsieur Anatole, the enormous Walloon
chasseur, who was one day found embracing Miss Flouncy, who waited
on Amethyst’s own maid. The very instant Miss Flouncy saw Mr. Jeames
entering the Servants’ Hall, where Monsieur Anatole was engaged in
“aggravating” her, Miss Flouncy screamed: at the next moment the Belgian
giant lay sprawling upon the carpet; and Jeames, standing over him,
assumed so terrible a look, that the chasseur declined any further
combat. The victory was made known to the house-steward himself, who,
being a little partial to Miss Flouncy herself, complimented Jeames on
his valor, and poured out a glass of Madeira in his own room.

Who was Jeames? He had come recommended by the Bagnigge people. He
had lived, he said, in that family two years. “But where there was
no ladies,” he said, “a gentleman’s hand was spiled for service;” and
Jeames’s was a very delicate hand; Miss Flouncy admired it very much,
and of course he did not defile it by menial service: he had in a young
man who called him sir, and did all the coarse work; and Jeames read the
morning paper to the ladies; not spellingly and with hesitation, as many
gentlemen do, but easily and elegantly, speaking off the longest words
without a moment’s difficulty. He could speak French, too, Miss Flouncy
found, who was studying it under Mademoiselle Grande fille-de-chambre de
confiance; for when she said to him, “Polly voo Fransy, Munseer Jeames?”
 he replied readily, “We, Mademaselle, j’ay passay boco de tong a Parry.
Commong voo potty voo?” How Miss Flouncy admired him as he stood before
her, the day after he had saved Miss Amethyst when the horses had run
away with her in the Park!

Poor Flouncy, poor Flouncy! Jeames had been but a week in Amethyst’s
service, and already the gentle heart of the washing-girl was
irrecoverably gone! Poor Flouncy! Poor Flouncy! he thought not of thee.

It happened thus. Miss Amethyst being engaged to drive with her cousin
the prince in his phaeton, her own carriage was sent into the Park
simply with her companion, who had charge of her little Fido, the
dearest little spaniel in the world. Jeames and Frederick were behind
the carriage with their long sticks and neat dark liveries; the
horses were worth a thousand guineas each, the coachman a late
lieutenant-colonel of cavalry: the whole ring could not boast a more
elegant turn-out.

The prince drove his curricle, and had charge of his belle cousine. It
may have been the red fezzes in the carriage of the Turkish ambassador
which frightened the prince’s grays, or Mrs. Champignon’s new yellow
liveries, which were flaunting in the Park, or hideous Lady Gorgon’s
preternatural ugliness, who passed in a low pony-carriage at the time,
or the prince’s own want of skill, finally; but certain it is that the
horses took fright, dashed wildly along the mile, scattered equipages,
pietons, dandies’ cabs, and snobs’ pheaytons. Amethyst was screaming;
and the prince, deadly pale, had lost all presence of mind, as the
curricle came rushing by the spot where Miss Amethyst’s carriage stood.

“I’m blest,” Frederick exclaimed to his companion, “if it ain’t the
prince a-drivin our missis! They’ll be in the Serpingtine, or dashed to
pieces, if they don’t mind.” And the runaway steeds at this instant came
upon them as a whirlwind.

But if those steeds ran at a whirlwind pace, Jeames was swifter. To jump
from behind, to bound after the rocking, reeling curricle, to jump into
it, aided by the long stick which he carried and used as a leaping-pole,
and to seize the reins out of the hands of the miserable Borodino, who
shrieked piteously as the dauntless valet leapt on his toes and into his
seat, was the work of an instant. In a few minutes the mad, swaying rush
of the horses was reduced to a swift but steady gallop; presently into a
canter, then a trot; until finally they pulled up smoking and trembling,
but quite quiet, by the side of Amethyst’s carriage, which came up at a
rapid pace.

“Give me the reins, malappris! tu m’ecrases le corps, manant!” yelled
the frantic nobleman, writhing underneath the intrepid charioteer.

“Tant pis pour toi, nigaud,” was the reply. The lovely Amethyst of
course had fainted; but she recovered as she was placed in her carriage,
and rewarded her preserver with a celestial smile.

The rage, the fury, the maledictions of Borodino, as he saw the
latter--a liveried menial--stoop gracefully forward and kiss Amethyst’s
hand, may be imagined rather than described. But Jeames heeded not his
curses. Having placed his adored mistress in the carriage, he calmly
resumed his station behind. Passion or danger seemed to have no
impression upon that pale marble face.

Borodino went home furious; nor was his rage diminished, when, on coming
to dinner that day, a recherche banquet served in the Frangipane best
style, and requesting a supply of a puree a la bisque aux ecrevisses,
the clumsy attendant who served him let fall the assiette of vermeille
cisele, with its scalding contents, over the prince’s chin, his Mechlin
jabot, and the grand cordon of the Legion of honor which he wore.

“Infame,” howled Borodino, “tu l’as fait expres!”

“Oui, je l’ai fait expres,” said the man, with the most perfect Parisian
accent. It was Jeames.

Such insolence of course could not be passed unnoticed even after the
morning’s service, and he was chassed on the spot. He had been but a
week in the house.

The next month the newspapers contained a paragraph which may possibly
elucidate the above mystery, and to the following effect:--

“Singular Wager.--One night, at the end of last season, the young and
eccentric Earl of B-gn-gge laid a wager of twenty-five thousand pounds
with a broken sporting patrician, the dashing Marquis of M-rt-ng-le,
that he would pass a week under the roof of a celebrated and lovely
young heiress, who lives not a hundred miles from B-lgr-ve Squ-re. The
bet having been made, the earl pretended an illness, and having taken
lessons from one of his lordship’s own footmen (Mr. James Plush, whose
name he also borrowed) in ‘the MYSTERIES of the PROFESSION,’ actually
succeeded in making an entry into Miss P-ml-co’s mansion, where he
stopped one week exactly; having time to win his bet, and to save the
life of the lady, whom we hear he is about to lead to the altar. He
disarmed the Prince of Borodino in a duel fought on Calais sands--and,
it is said, appeared at the C---- club wearing his PLUSH COSTUME under a
cloak, and displaying it as a proof that he had won his wager.”

Such, indeed, were the circumstances. The young couple have not more
than nine hundred thousand a year, but they live cheerfully, and manage
to do good; and Emily de Pentonville, who adores her daughter-in-law and
her little grandchildren, is blest in seeing her darling son enfin un
homme range.




I’m not at libbaty to divulj the reel names of the 2 Eroes of the
igstrawny Tail which I am abowt to relait to those unlightnd paytrons
of letarature and true connyshures of merrit--the great Brittish
public--But I pledj my varacity that this singlar story of rewmantic
love, absobbing pashn, and likewise of GENTEEL LIFE, is, in the main
fax, TREW. The suckmstanzas I elude to, ocurd in the rain of our presnt
Gratious Madjisty and her beluvd and roil Concert Prince Halbert.

Welthen. Some time in the seazen of 18-- (mor I dar not rewheel) there
arrived in this metropulus, per seknd class of the London and Dover
Railway, an ellygant young foring gentleman, whom I shall danomminate
Munseer Jools De Chacabac.

Having read through “The Vicker of Wackfield” in the same oridganal
English tung in which this very harticle I write is wrote too, and
halways been remarkyble, both at collidge and in the estamminy, for his
aytred and orror of perfidgus Halbion, Munseer Jools was considered by
the prapriretors of the newspaper in which he wrote, at Parris, the very
man to come to this country, igsamin its manners and customs, cast an i
upon the politticle and finalshle stat of the Hempire, and igspose
the mackynations of the infyamous Palmerston, and the ebomminable Sir
Pill--both enemies of France; as is every other Britten of that great,
gloarus, libberal, and peasable country. In one word, Jools de Chacabac
was a penny-a-liner.

“I will go see with my own I’s,” he said, “that infimus hiland of which
the innabitants are shopkeepers, gorged with roast beef and treason.
I will go and see the murderers of the Hirish, the pisoners of the
Chynese, the villians who put the Hemperor to death in Saintyleany, the
artful dodges who wish to smother Europe with their cotton, and can’t
sleep or rest heasy for henvy and hatred of the great inwinsable French
nation. I will igsammin, face to face, these hotty insularies; I will
pennytrate into the secrets of their Jessywhittickle cabinet, and beard
Palmerston in his denn.” When he jumpt on shor at Foaxton (after having
been tremenguously sick in the fourcabbing), he exclaimed, “Enfin je te
tiens, Ile maudite! je te crache a la figure, vieille Angleterre! Je te
foule a mes pieds an nom du monde outrage,” and so proseaded to inwade
the metropulus.

As he wisht to micks with the very chicest sosiaty, and git the best of
infamation about this country, Munseer Jools of coarse went and lodgd in
Lester Square--Lester Squarr, as he calls it--which, as he was infommed
in the printed suckular presented to him by a very greasy but polite
comishner at the Custumus Stares, was in the scenter of the town,
contiggus to the Ouses of Parlyment, the prinsple theayters, the parx,
St. Jams Pallice, and the Corts of Lor. “I can surwhey them all at one
cut of the eye,” Jools thought; “the Sovring, the infamus Ministers
plotting the destruction of my immortial country; the business and
pleasure of these pusprond Londoners and aristoxy; I can look round and
see all.” So he took a three-pair back in a French hotel, the “Hotel
de l’Ail,” kep by Monsieur Gigotot, Cranbourne Street, Lester Squarr,

In this otell there’s a billiard-room on the first floor, and a
tabble-doat at eighteenpence peredd at 5 o’clock; and the landlord, who
kem into Jools’s room smoaking a segar, told the young gent that the
house was friquented by all the Brittish nobillaty, who reglar took
their dinners there. “They can’t ebide their own quiseen,” he said.
“You’ll see what a dinner we’ll serve you to-day.” Jools wrote off to
his paper--

“The members of the haughty and luxurious English aristocracy, like all
the rest of the world, are obliged to fly to France for the indulgence
of their luxuries. The nobles of England, quitting their homes, their
wives, miladies and mistriss, so fair but so cold, dine universally
at the tavern. That from which I write is frequented by Peel and
Palmerston. I fremis to think that I may meet them at the board to-day.”

Singlar to say, Peel and Palmerston didn’t dine at the “Hotel de l’Ail”
 on that evening. “It’s quite igstronnary they don’t come,” said Munseer
de l’Ail.

“Peraps they’re ingaged at some boxing-match or some combaw de cock,”
 Munseer Jools sejested; and the landlord egreed that was very likely.

Instedd of English there was, however, plenty of foring sociaty, of
every nation under the sun. Most of the noblemen were great hamatures of
hale and porter. The tablecloth was marked over with brown suckles, made
by the pewter-pots on that and the previous days.

“It is the usage here,” wrote Jools to his newspaper, “among the Anglais
of the fashonne to absorb immense quantities of ale and porter during
their meals. These stupefying, but cheap, and not unpalatable liquors
are served in shining pewter vessels. A mug of foaming hafanaf (so a
certain sort of beer is called) was placed by the side of most of the
convives. I was disappointed of seeing Sir Peel: he was engaged to a
combat of cocks which occurs at Windsor.”

Not one word of English was spoke during this dinner, excep when the
gentlemen said “Garsong de l’afanaf,” but Jool was very much pleased to
meet the eleet of the foringers in town, and ask their opinion about the
reel state of thinx. Was it likely that the bishops were to be turned
out of the Chambre des Communes? Was it true that Lor Palmerston
had boxed with Lor Broghamm in the House of Lords, until they were
sepparayted by the Lor Maire? Who was the Lor Maire? Wasn’t he Premier
Minister? and wasn’t the Archeveque de Cantorbery a Quaker? He got
answers to these questions from the various gents round about during
the dinner--which, he remarked, was very much like a French dinner, only
dirtier. And he wrote off all the infamation he got to his newspaper.

“The Lord Maire, Lord Lansdowne, is Premier Ministre. His Grace has his
dwelling in the City. The Archbishop of Cantabery is not turned Quaker,
as some people stated. Quakers may not marry, nor sit in the Chamber of
Peers. The minor bishops have seats in the House of Commons, where they
are attacked by the bitter pleasantries of Lord Brougham. A boxer is
in the house; he taught Palmerston the science of the pugilate, who
conferred upon him the seat,” &c. &c.

His writing hover, Jools came down and ad a gaym at pool with two Poles,
a Bulgian, and 2 of his own countrymen. This being done amidst more
hafanaf, without which nothink is done in England, and as there was no
French play that night, he & the two French gents walked round and round
Lester Squarr smoking segaws in the faces of other French gents who
were smoaking 2. And they talked about the granjer of France and the
perfidgusness of England, and looked at the aluminated pictur of Madame
Wharton as Haryadney till bedtime. But befor he slep, he finished
his letter you may be sure, and called it his “Fust Imprestiuns of

“Mind and wake me early,” he said to Boots, the ony Brittish subject in
the “Hotel de l’Ail,” and who therefore didn’t understand him. “I wish
to be at Smithfield at 6 hours to see THE MEN SELL THEIR WIVES.” And the
young roag fell asleep, thinking what sort of a one he’d buy.

This was the way Jools passed his days, and got infamation about
Hengland and the Henglish--walking round and round Lester Squarr all
day, and every day with the same company, occasionally dewussified by an
Oprer Chorus-singer or a Jew or two, and every afternoon in the Quadrant
admiring the genteal sosiaty there. Munseer Jools was not over well
funnisht with pocket-money, and so his pleasure was of the gratis sort

Well, one day as he and a friend was taking their turn among the
aristoxy under the Quadrant--they were struck all of a heap by
seeing--But, stop! who WAS Jools’s friend? Here you have pictures of
both--but the Istory of Jools’s friend must be kep for another innings.


Not fur from that knowble and cheerflie Squear which Munseer Jools de
Chacabac had selacted for his eboad in London--not fur, I say, from
Lester Squarr, is a rainje of bildings called Pipping’s Buildings,
leading to Blue Lion Court, leading to St. Martin’s Lane. You know
Pipping’s Buildings by its greatest ornament, an am and beefouce (where
Jools has often stood admiring the degstaraty of the carver a-cuttin
the varous jints), and by the little fishmungur’s, where you remark
the mouldy lobsters, the fly-blown picklesammon, the playbills, and
the gingybear bottles in the window--above all, by the “Constantinople”
 Divan, kep by the Misses Mordeky, and well known to every lover of “a
prime sigaw and an exlent cup of reel Moky Coffy for 6d.”

The Constantinople Divann is greatly used by the foring gents of Lester
Squar. I never ad the good fortn to pass down Pipping’s Buildings
without seeing a haf a duzen of ‘em on the threshole of the
extablishment, giving the street an oppertunity of testing the odar
of the Misses Mordeky’s prime Avannas. Two or three mor may be visable
inside, settn on the counter or the chestis, indulging in their fav’rit
whead, the rich and spisy Pickwhick, the ripe Manilly, or the flagrant
and arheumatic Qby.

“These Divanns are, as is very well known, the knightly resott of the
young Henglish nobillaty. It is ear a young Pier, after an arjus day at
the House of Commons, solazes himself with a glas of gin-and-water (the
national beveridge), with cheerful conversation on the ewents of the
day, or with an armless gaym of baggytell in the back-parlor.”

So wrote at least our friend Jools to his newspaper, the Horriflam;
and of this back-parlor and baggytell-bord, of this counter, of this
“Constantinople” Divan, he became almost as reglar a frequenter as the
plaster of Parish Turk who sits smoking a hookey between the two blue
coffee-cups in the winder.

I have oftin, smokin my own shroot in silents in a corner of the Diwann,
listened to Jools and his friends inwaying aginst Hingland, and boastin
of their own immortial country. How they did go on about Wellintun,
and what an arty contamp they ad for him!--how they used to prove that
France was the Light, the Scenter-pint, the Igsample and hadmiration of
the whole world! And though I scarcely take a French paper now-a-days
(I lived in early days as groom in a French famly three years, and
therefore knows the languidg), though, I say, you can’t take up Jools’s
paper, the Orriflam, without readin that a minister has committed
bribery and perjury, or that a littery man has committed perjury and
murder, or that a Duke has stabbed his wife in fifty places, or some
story equally horrible; yet for all that it’s admiral to see how
the French gents will swagger--how they will be the scenters of
civilization--how they will be the Igsamples of Europ, and nothink shall
prevent ‘em--knowing they will have it, I say I listen, smokin my pip in
silence. But to our tail.

Reglar every evening there came to the “Constantanople” a young gent
etired in the igth of fashn; and indead presenting by the cleanlyness
of his appearants and linning (which was generally a pink or blew shurt,
with a cricketer or a dansuse pattern) rather a contrast to the dinjy
and whistkcard sosaity of the Diwann. As for wiskars, this young mann
had none beyond a little yallow tought to his chin, which you woodn
notas, only he was always pulling at it. His statue was diminnative,
but his coschume supubb, for he had the tippiest Jane boots, the
ivoryheadest canes, the most gawjus scarlick Jonville ties, and the most
Scotch-plaidest trowseys, of any customer of that establishment. He was
univusaly called Milord.

“Que est ce jeune seigneur? Who is this young hurl who comes knightly
to the ‘Constantanople,’ who is so proddigl of his gold (for indeed the
young gent would frequinly propoase gininwater to the company), and who
drinks so much gin?” asked Munseer Chacabac of a friend from the “Hotel
de l’Ail.”

“His name is Lord Yardham,” answered that friend. “He never comes here
but at night--and why?”

“Y?” igsclaimed Jools, istonisht.

“Why? because he is engaygd all day--and do you know where he is engaygd
all day?”

“Where?” asked Jools.

“At the Foring Office--NOW do you begin to understand?”--Jools trembled.

He speaks of his uncle, the head of that office.--“Who IS the head of
that offis?--Palmerston.”

“The nephew of Palmerston!” said Jools, almost in a fit.

“Lor Yardham pretends not to speak French,” the other went on. “He
pretends he can only say wee and commong porty voo. Shallow humbug!--I
have marked him during our conversations.--When we have spoken of the
glory of France among the nations, I have seen his eye kindle, and his
perfidious lip curl with rage. When they have discussed before him, the
Imprudents! the affairs of Europe, and Raggybritchovich has shown us
the next Circassian Campaign, or Sapousne has laid hare the plan of
the Calabrian patriots for the next insurrection, I have marked this
stranger--this Lor Yardham. He smokes, ‘tis to conceal his countenance;
he drinks gin, ‘tis to hide his face in the goblet. And be sure, he
carries every word of our conversation to the perfidious Palmerston, his

“I will beard him in his den,” thought Jools. “I will meet him
corps-a-corps--the tyrant of Europe shall suffer through his nephew, and
I will shoot him as dead as Dujarrier.”

When Lor Yardham came to the “Constantanople” that night, Jools i’d
him savidgely from edd to foot, while Lord Yardham replied the same.
It wasn’t much for either to do--neyther being more than 4 foot ten
hi--Jools was a grannydear in his company of the Nashnal Gard, and was
as brayv as a lion.

“Ah, l’Angleterre, l’Angleterre, tu nous dois une revanche,” said Jools,
crossing his arms and grinding his teeth at Lord Yardham.

“Wee,” said Lord Yardham; “wee.”

“Delenda est Carthago!” howled out Jools.

“Oh, wee,” said the Erl of Yardham, and at the same moment his glas of
ginawater coming in, he took a drink, saying, “A voternsanty, Munseer:”
 and then he offered it like a man of fashn to Jools.

A light broak on Jools’s mind as he igsepted the refreshmint.
“Sapoase,” he said, “instedd of slaughtering this nephew of the infamous
Palmerston, I extract his secrets from him; suppose I pump him--suppose
I unveil his schemes and send them to my paper? La France may hear
the name of Jools de Chacabac, and the star of honor may glitter on my

So axepting Lord Yardham’s cortasy, he returned it by ordering another
glass of gin at his own expence, and they both drank it on the counter,
where Jools talked of the affaers of Europ all night. To everything he
said, the Earl of Yardham answered, “Wee, wee;” except at the end of the
evening, when he squeeged his & and said, “Bong swore.”

“There’s nothing like goin amongst ‘em to equire the reel
pronounciation,” his lordship said, as he let himself into his lodgings
with his latch-key. “That was a very eloquent young gent at the
‘Constantinople,’ and I’ll patronize him.”

“Ah, perfide, je te demasquerai!” Jools remarked to himself as he went
to bed in his “Hotel de l’Ail.” And they met the next night, and from
that heavning the young men were continyually together.

Well, one day, as they were walking in the Quadrant, Jools talking,
and Lord Yardham saying, “Wee, wee,” they were struck all of a heap by

But my paper is igshosted, and I must dixcribe what they sor in the nex



The travler who pesews his dalitefle coarse through the fair rellum of
Franse (as a great romantic landskippist and neamsack of mind would say)
never chaumed his i’s within a site more lovely, or vu’d a pallis more
magniffiznt than that which was the buthplace of the Eroing of this Trew
Tale. Phansy a country through whose werdant planes the selvery Garonne
wines, like--like a benevvolent sarpent. In its plasid busum antient
cassles, picturask willidges, and waving woods are reflected. Purple
hills, crownd with inteak ruings; rivvilets babbling through gentle
greenwoods; wight farm ouses, hevvy with hoverhanging vines, and from
which the appy and peaseful okupier can cast his glans over goolden
waving cornfealds, and M. Herald meddows in which the lazy cattle are
graysinn; while the sheppard, tending his snoughy flox, wiles away the
leisure mominx on his loot--these hoffer but a phaint pictur of the
rurial felissaty in the midst of widge Crinoline and Hesteria de
Viddlers were bawn.

Their Par, the Marcus de Viddlers, Shavilear of the Legend of Honor and
of the Lion of Bulgum, the Golden Flease, Grand Cross of the Eflant and
Castle, and of the Catinbagpipes of Hostria, Grand Chamberleng of
the Crownd, and Major-Genaril of Hoss-Mareens, &c. &c. &c.--is the
twenty-foth or fith Marquis that has bawn the Tittle; is disended
lenyally from King Pipping, and has almost as antient a paddygree as
any which the Ollywell Street frends of the Member of Buckinumsheer can

His Marchyniss, the lovely & ecomplisht Emily de St. Cornichon, quitted
this mortial spear very soon after she had presented her lord with the
two little dawling Cherrybins above dixcribed, in whomb, after the loss
of that angle his wife, the disconslit widderer found his only jy on
huth. In all his emusemints they ecumpanied him; their edjacation was
his sole bisniss; he atcheaved it with the assistnce of the ugliest and
most lernid masters, and the most hidjus and egsimplary governices which
money could procure. R, how must his peturnle art have bet, as these
Budds, which he had nurrisht, bust into buty, and twined in blooming
flagrance round his pirentle Busm!

The villidges all round his hancestral Alls blessed the Marcus and his
lovely hoffsprig. Not one villidge in their naybrood but was edawned by
their elygint benifisns, and where the inhabitnts wern’t rendered
appy. It was a pattern pheasantry. All the old men in the districk
were wertuous & tockative, ad red stockins and i-eeled drab shoes,
and beautiful snowy air. All the old women had peaked ats, and crooked
cains, and chince gowns tucked into the pockits of their quiltid
petticoats; they sat in pictarask porches, pretendin to spinn, while the
lads and lassis of the villidges danst under the hellums. O, tis a noble
sight to whitniss that of an appy pheasantry! Not one of those
rustic wassals of the Ouse of Widdlers, but ad his air curled and his
shirt-sheaves tied up with pink ribbing as he led to the macy dance
some appy country gal, with a black velvit boddice and a redd or yaller
petticoat, a hormylu cross on her neck, and a silver harrow in her air!

When the Marcus & ther young ladies came to the villidge it would have
done the i’s of the flanthropist good to see how all reseaved ‘em! The
little children scattered calico flowers on their path, the snowy-aired
old men with red faces and rinkles took off their brown paper ats to
slewt the noble Marcus. Young and old led them to a woodn bank painted
to look like a bower of roses, and when they were sett down danst ballys
before them. O ‘twas a noble site to see the Marcus too, smilin ellygint
with fethers in his edd and all his stars on, and the young Marchynisses
with their ploomes, and trains, and little coronicks!

They lived in tremenjus splendor at home in their pyturnle alls, and had
no end of pallises, willers, and town and country resadences; but their
fayvorit resadence was called the Castle of the Island of Fogo.

Add I the penn of the hawther of a Codlingsby himself, I coodnt dixcribe
the gawjusness of their aboad. They add twenty-four footmen in livery,
besides a boy in codroys for the knives & shoes. They had nine meels
aday--Shampayne and pineapples were served to each of the young
ladies in bed before they got up. Was it Prawns, Sherry-cobblers,
lobster-salids, or maids of honor, they had but to ring the bell and
call for what they chose. They had two new dresses every day--one to
ride out in the open carriage, and another to appear in the gardens of
the Castle of the Island of Fogo, which were illuminated every night
like Voxhall. The young noblemen of France were there ready to dance
with them, and festif suppers concludid the jawyus night.

Thus they lived in ellygant ratirement until Missfortune bust upon
this happy fammaly. Etached to his Princes and abommanating the ojus
Lewyphlip, the Marcus was conspiring for the benefick of the helder
branch of the Borebones--and what was the consquince?--One night a fleat
presented itself round the Castle of the Island of Fogo--and skewering
only a couple of chests of jewils, the Marcus and the two young ladies
in disgyise, fled from that island of bliss. And whither fled they?--To
England!--England the ome of the brave, the refuge of the world, where
the pore slave never setts his foot but he is free!

Such was the ramantic tail which was told to 2 friends of ours by the
Marcus de Viddlers himself, whose daughters, walking with their page
from Ungerford Market (where they had been to purchis a paper of srimps
for the umble supper of their noble father), Yardham and his equaintnce,
Munseer Jools, had remarked and admired.

But how had those two young Erows become equainted with the noble
Marcus?--That is a mistry we must elucydate in a futur vollam.




The King of France was walking on the terrace of Versailles; the
fairest, not only of Queens, but of women, hung fondly on the Royal arm;
while the children of France were indulging in their infantile hilarity
in the alleys of the magnificent garden of Le Notre (from which Niblo’s
garden has been copied in our own Empire city of New York), and playing
at leap-frog with their uncle, the Count of Provence; gaudy courtiers,
emlazoned with orders, glittered in the groves, and murmured frivolous
talk in the ears of high-bred beauty.

“Marie, my beloved,” said the ruler of France, taking out his watch,
“‘tis time that the Minister of America should be here.”

“Your Majesty should know the time,” replied Marie Antoinette, archly,
and in an Austrian accent; “is not my Royal Louis the first watchmaker
in his empire?”

The King cast a pleased glance at his repeater, and kissed with courtly
grace the fair hand of her who had made him the compliment. “My Lord
Bishop of Autun,” said he to Monsieur de Talleyrand Perigord, who
followed the royal pair, in his quality of arch-chamberlain of the
empire, “I pray you look through the gardens, and tell his Excellency
Doctor Franklin that the King waits.” The Bishop ran off, with more
than youthful agility, to seek the United States’ Minister. “These
Republicans,” he added, confidentially, and with something of a
supercilious look, “are but rude courtiers, methinks.”

“Nay,” interposed the lovely Antoinette, “rude courtiers, Sire, they may
be; but the world boasts not of more accomplished gentlemen. I have seen
no grandee of Versailles that has the noble bearing of this American
envoy and his suite. They have the refinement of the Old World, with
all the simple elegance of the New. Though they have perfect dignity of
manner, they have an engaging modesty which I have never seen equalled
by the best of the proud English nobles with whom they wage war. I
am told they speak their very language with a grace which the haughty
Islanders who oppress them never attained. They are independent, yet
never insolent; elegant, yet always respectful; and brave, but not in
the least boastful.”

“What! savages and all, Marie?” exclaimed Louis, laughing, and chucking
the lovely Queen playfully under the royal chin. “But here comes Doctor
Franklin, and your friend the Cacique with him.” In fact, as the monarch
spoke, the Minister of the United States made his appearance, followed
by a gigantic warrior in the garb of his native woods.

Knowing his place as Minister of a sovereign state, (yielding even then
in dignity to none, as it surpasses all now in dignity, in valor, in
honesty, in strength, and civilization,) the Doctor nodded to the Queen
of France, but kept his hat on as he faced the French monarch, and did
not cease whittling the cane he carried in his hand.

“I was waiting for you, sir,” the King said, peevishly, in spite of the
alarmed pressure which the Queen gave his royal arm.

“The business of the Republic, sire, must take precedence even of your
Majesty’s wishes,” replied Dr. Franklin. “When I was a poor printer’s
boy and ran errands, no lad could be more punctual than poor Ben
Franklin; but all other things must yield to the service of the United
States of North America. I have done. What would you, Sire?” and the
intrepid republican eyed the monarch with a serene and easy dignity,
which made the descendant of St. Louis feel ill at ease.

“I wished to--to say farewell to Tatua before his departure,” said Louis
XVI., looking rather awkward. “Approach, Tatua.” And the gigantic Indian
strode up, and stood undaunted before the first magistrate of the French
nation: again the feeble monarch quailed before the terrible simplicity
of the glance of the denizen of the primaeval forests.

The redoubted chief of the Nose-ring Indians was decorated in his
war-paint, and in his top-knot was a peacock’s feather, which had been
given him out of the head-dress of the beautiful Princess of Lamballe.
His nose, from which hung the ornament from which his ferocious tribe
took its designation, was painted a light-blue, a circle of green and
orange was drawn round each eye, while serpentine stripes of black,
white, and vermilion alternately were smeared on his forehead, and
descended over his cheek-bones to his chin. His manly chest was
similarly tattooed and painted, and round his brawny neck and arms hung
innumerable bracelets and necklaces of human teeth, extracted (one only
from each skull) from the jaws of those who had fallen by the terrible
tomahawk at his girdle. His moccasins, and his blanket, which was draped
on his arm and fell in picturesque folds to his feet, were fringed with
tufts of hair--the black, the gray, the auburn, the golden ringlet of
beauty, the red lock from the forehead of the Scottish or the Northern
soldier, the snowy tress of extreme old age, the flaxen down of
infancy--all were there, dreadful reminiscences of the chief’s triumphs
in war. The warrior leaned on his enormous rifle, and faced the King.

“And it was with that carabine that you shot Wolfe in ‘57?” said Louis,
eying the warrior and his weapon. “‘Tis a clumsy lock, and methinks I
could mend it,” he added mentally.

“The chief of the French pale-faces speaks truth,” Tatua said. “Tatua
was a boy when he went first on the war-path with Montcalm.”

“And shot a Wolfe at the first fire!” said the King.

“The English are braves, though their faces are white,” replied the
Indian. “Tatua shot the raging Wolfe of the English; but the other
wolves caused the foxes to go to earth.” A smile played round Dr.
Franklin’s lips, as he whittled his cane with more vigor than ever.

“I believe, your Excellency, Tatua has done good service elsewhere than
at Quebec,” the King said, appealing to the American Envoy: “at Bunker’s
Hill, at Brandywine, at York Island? Now that Lafayette and my brave
Frenchmen are among you, your Excellency need have no fear but that the
war will finish quickly--yes, yes, it will finish quickly. They will
teach you discipline, and the way to conquer.”

“King Louis of France,” said the Envoy, clapping his hat down over
his head, and putting his arms a-kimbo, “we have learned that from
the British, to whom we are superior in everything: and I’d have your
Majesty to know that in the art of whipping the world we have no need
of any French lessons. If your reglars jine General Washington, ‘tis to
larn from HIM how Britishers are licked; for I’m blest if YU know the
way yet.”

Tatua said, “Ugh,” and gave a rattle with the butt of his carabine,
which made the timid monarch start; the eyes of the lovely Antoinette
flashed fire, but it played round the head of the dauntless American
Envoy harmless as the lightning which he knew how to conjure away.

The King fumbled in his pocket, and pulled out a Cross of the Order
of the Bath. “Your Excellency wears no honor,” the monarch said; “but
Tatua, who is not a subject, only an ally, of the United States, may.
Noble Tatua, I appoint you Knight Companion of my noble Order of the
Bath. Wear this cross upon your breast in memory of Louis of France;”
 and the King held out the decoration to the Chief.

Up to that moment the Chief’s countenance had been impassible. No
look either of admiration or dislike had appeared upon that grim and
war-painted visage. But now, as Louis spoke, Tatua’s face assumed a
glance of ineffable scorn, as, bending his head, he took the bauble.

“I will give it to one of my squaws,” he said. “The papooses in my lodge
will play with it. Come, Medecine, Tatua will go and drink fire-water;”
 and, shouldering his carabine, he turned his broad back without ceremony
upon the monarch and his train, and disappeared down one of the walks
of the garden. Franklin found him when his own interview with the French
Chief Magistrate was over; being attracted to the spot where the Chief
was, by the crack of his well-known rifle. He was laughing in his quiet
way. He had shot the Colonel of the Swiss Guards through his cockade.

Three days afterwards, as the gallant frigate, the “Repudiator,” was
sailing out of Brest Harbor, the gigantic form of an Indian might be
seen standing on the binnacle in conversation with Commodore Bowie, the
commander of the noble ship. It was Tatua, the Chief of the Nose-rings.


Leatherlegs and Tom Coxswain did not accompany Tatua when he went to the
Parisian metropolis on a visit to the father of the French pale-faces.
Neither the Legs nor the Sailor cared for the gayety and the crowd of
cities; the stout mariner’s home was in the puttock-shrouds of the old
“Repudiator.” The stern and simple trapper loved the sound of the waters
better than the jargon of the French of the old country. “I can follow
the talk of a Pawnee,” he said, “or wag my jaw, if so be necessity bids
me to speak, by a Sioux’s council-fire and I can patter Canadian
French with the hunters who come for peltries to Nachitoches or
Thichimuchimachy; but from the tongue of a Frenchwoman, with white flour
on her head, and war-paint on her face, the Lord deliver poor Natty

“Amen and amen!” said Tom Coxswain. “There was a woman in our
aft-scuppers when I went a-whalin in the little ‘Grampus’--and Lord love
you, Pumpo, you poor land-swab, she WAS as pretty a craft as ever dowsed
a tarpauling--there was a woman on board the ‘Grampus,’ who before we’d
struck our first fish, or biled our first blubber, set the whole crew in
a mutiny. I mind me of her now, Natty,--her eye was sich a piercer that
you could see to steer by it in a Newfoundland fog; her nose stood out
like the ‘Grampus’s’ jibboom, and her woice, Lord love you, her woice
sings in my ears even now:--it set the Captain a-quarrelin with the
Mate, who was hanged in Boston harbor for harpoonin of his officer in
Baffin’s Bay;--it set me and Bob Bunting a-pouring broadsides into each
other’s old timbers, whereas me and Bob was worth all the women that
ever shipped a hawser. It cost me three years’ pay as I’d stowed away
for the old mother, and might have cost me ever so much more, only bad
luck to me, she went and married a little tailor out of Nantucket; and
I’ve hated women and tailors ever since!” As he spoke, the hardy tar
dashed a drop of brine from his tawny cheek, and once more betook
himself to splice the taffrail.

Though the brave frigate lay off Havre de Grace, she was not idle. The
gallant Bowie and his intrepid crew made repeated descents upon the
enemy’s seaboard. The coasts of Rutland and merry Leicestershire have
still many a legend of fear to tell; and the children of the British
fishermen tremble even now when they speak of the terrible “Repudiator.”
 She was the first of the mighty American war-ships that have taught the
domineering Briton to respect the valor of the Republic.

The novelist ever and anon finds himself forced to adopt the sterner
tone of the historian, when describing deeds connected with his
country’s triumphs. It is well known that during the two months in which
she lay off Havre, the “Repudiator” had brought more prizes into that
port than had ever before been seen in the astonished French waters. Her
actions with the “Dettingen” and the “Elector” frigates form part of our
country’s history; their defence--it may be said without prejudice to
national vanity--was worthy of Britons and of the audacious foe they had
to encounter; and it must be owned, that but for a happy fortune which
presided on that day over the destinies of our country, the chance of
the combat might have been in favor of the British vessels. It was not
until the “Elector” blew up, at a quarter past three P.M., by a
lucky shot which fell into her caboose, and communicated with the
powder-magazine, that Commodore Bowie was enabled to lay himself on
board the “Dettingen,” which he carried sword in hand. Even when the
American boarders had made their lodgment on the “Dettingen’s” binnacle,
it is possible that the battle would still have gone against us.
The British were still seven to one; their carronades, loaded with
marline-spikes, swept the gun-deck, of which we had possession, and
decimated our little force; when a rifle-ball from the shrouds of the
“Repudiator” shot Captain Mumford under the star of the Guelphic Order
which he wore, and the Americans, with a shout, rushed up the companion
to the quarter-deck, upon the astonished foe. Pike and cutlass did the
rest of the bloody work. Rumford, the gigantic first-lieutenant of
the “Dettingen,” was cut down by Commodore Bowie’s own sword, as they
engaged hand to hand; and it was Tom Coxswain who tore down the British
flag, after having slain the Englishman at the wheel. Peace be to the
souls of the brave! The combat was honorable alike to the victor and
the vanquished; and it never can be said that an American warrior
depreciated a gallant foe. The bitterness of defeat was enough to the
haughty islanders who had to suffer. The people of Herne Bay were lining
the shore, near which the combat took place, and cruel must have been
the pang to them when they saw the Stars and Stripes rise over the old
flag of the Union, and the “Dettingen” fall down the river in tow of the
Republican frigate.

Another action Bowie contemplated: the boldest and most daring perhaps
ever imagined by seaman. It is this which has been so wrongly described
by European annalists, and of which the British until now have
maintained the most jealous secrecy.

Portsmouth Harbor was badly defended. Our intelligence in that town and
arsenal gave us precise knowledge of the disposition of the troops, the
forts, and the ships there; and it was determined to strike a blow which
should shake the British power in its centre.

That a frigate of the size of the “Repudiator” should enter the harbor
unnoticed, or could escape its guns unscathed, passed the notions of
even American temerity. But upon the memorable 26th of June, 1782, the
“Repudiator” sailed out of Havre Roads in a thick fog, under cover
of which she entered and cast anchor in Bonchurch Bay, in the Isle
of Wight. To surprise the Martello Tower and take the feeble garrison
thereunder, was the work of Tom Coxswain and a few of his blue-jackets.
The surprised garrison laid down their arms before him.

It was midnight before the boats of the ship, commanded by Lieutenant
Bunker, pulled off from Bonchurch with muffled oars, and in another hour
were off the Common Hard of Portsmouth, having passed the challenges of
the “Thetis” and the “Amphion” frigates, and the “Polyanthus” brig.

There had been on that day great feasting and merriment on board the
Flag-ship lying in the harbor. A banquet had been given in honor of the
birthday of one of the princes of the royal line of the Guelphs--the
reader knows the propensity of Britons when liquor is in plenty. All
on board that royal ship were more or less overcome. The Flag-ship was
plunged in a deathlike and drunken sleep. The very officer of the watch
was intoxicated: he could not see the “Repudiator’s” boats as they shot
swiftly through the waters; nor had he time to challenge her seamen as
they swarmed up the huge sides of the ship.

At the next moment Tom Coxswain stood at the wheel of the “Royal
George”--the Briton who had guarded, a corpse at his feet. The hatches
were down. The ship was in possession of the “Repudiator’s” crew. They
were busy in her rigging, bending her sails to carry her out of
the harbor. The well-known heave of the men at the windlass woke up
Kempenfelt in his state-cabin. We know, or rather do not know, the
result; for who can tell by whom the lower-deck ports of the brave ship
were opened, and how the haughty prisoners below sunk the ship and its
conquerors rather than yield her as a prize to the Republic!

Only Tom Coxswain escaped of victors and vanquished. His tale was told
to his Captain and to Congress, but Washington forbade its publication;
and it was but lately that the faithful seaman told it to me, his
grandson, on his hundred-and-fifteenth birthday.




“MY DEAR SNOOKS,--I am on the look-out here for materials for original
comedies such as those lately produced at your theatre; and, in the
course of my studies, I have found something, my dear Snooks, which
I think will suit your book. You are bringing, I see, your admirable
novel, ‘The Mysteries of May Fair,’ to an end--(by the way, the scene,
in the 200th number, between the Duke, his Grandmother, and the Jesuit
Butler, is one of the most harrowing and exciting I ever read)--and, of
course, you must turn your real genius to some other channel; and we may
expect that your pen shall not be idle.

“The original plan I have to propose to you, then, is taken from the
French, just like the original dramas above mentioned; and, indeed,
I found it in the law report of the National newspaper, and a French
literary gentleman, M. Emanuel Gonzales, has the credit of the
invention. He and an advertisement agent fell out about a question of
money, the affair was brought before the courts, and the little plot so
got wind. But there is no reason why you should not take the plot and
act on it yourself. You are a known man; the public relishes your works;
anything bearing the name of Snooks is eagerly read by the masses; and
though Messrs. Hookey, of Holywell Street, pay you handsomely, I make no
doubt you would like to be rewarded at a still higher figure.

“Unless he writes with a purpose, you know, a novelist in our days is
good for nothing. This one writes with a socialist purpose; that with
a conservative purpose: this author or authoress with the most delicate
skill insinuates Catholicism into you, and you find yourself all but a
Papist in the third volume: another doctors you with Low Church remedies
to work inwardly upon you, and which you swallow down unsuspiciously, as
children do calomel in jelly. Fiction advocates all sorts of truth
and causes--doesn’t the delightful bard of the Minories find Moses in
everything? M. Gonzales’s plan, and the one which I recommend to my dear
Snooks, simply was to write an advertisement novel. Look over The Times
or the ‘Directory,’ walk down Regent Street or Fleet Street any day--see
what houses advertise most, and put yourself into communication with
their proprietors. With your rings, your chains, your studs, and the tip
on your chin, I don’t know any greater swell than Bob Snooks. Walk into
the shops, I say, ask for the principal, and introduce yourself, saying,
‘I am the great Snooks; I am the author of the “Mysteries of May Fair;”
 my weekly sale is 281,000; I am about to produce a new work called “The
Palaces of Pimlico, or the Curse of the Court,” describing and lashing
fearlessly the vices of the aristocracy; this book will have a sale
of at least 530,000; it will be on every table--in the boudoir of the
pampered duke, as in the chamber of the honest artisan. The myriads of
foreigners who are coming to London, and are anxious to know about our
national manners, will purchase my book, and carry it to their distant
homes. So, Mr. Taylor, or Mr. Haberdasher, or Mr. Jeweller, how much
will you stand if I recommend you in my forthcoming novel?’ You may make
a noble income in this way, Snooks.

“For instance, suppose it is an upholsterer. What more easy, what more
delightful, than the description of upholstery? As thus:--

“‘Lady Emily was reclining on one of Down and Eider’s voluptuous
ottomans, the only couch on which Belgravian beauty now reposes, when
Lord Bathershins entered, stepping noiselessly over one of Tomkins’s
elastic Axminster carpets. “Good heavens, my lord!” she said--and the
lovely creature fainted. The Earl rushed to the mantel-piece, where he
saw a flacon of Otto’s eau-de-Cologne, and,’ &c.

“Or say it’s a cheap furniture-shop, and it may be brought in just as
easily, as thus:--

“‘We are poor, Eliza,’ said Harry Hardhand, looking affectionately at
his wife, ‘but we have enough, love, have we not, for our humble wants?
The rich and luxurious may go to Dillow’s or Gobiggin’s, but we can get
our rooms comfortably furnished at Timmonson’s for 20L.’ And putting
on her bonnet, and hanging affectionately on her husband, the stoker’s
pretty bride tripped gayly to the well-known mart, where Timmonson,
within his usual affability, was ready to receive them.

“Then you might have a touch at the wine-merchant and purveyor. ‘Where
did you get this delicious claret, or pate de fois gras, or what you
please?’ said Count Blagowski to the gay young Sir Horace Swellmore. The
voluptuous Bart answered, ‘At So-and-So’s, or So-and-So’s.’ The answer
is obvious. You may furnish your cellar or your larder in this way.
Begad, Snooks! I lick my lips at the very idea.

“Then, as to tailors, milliners, bootmakers, &c., how easy to get a
word for them! Amranson, the tailor, waited upon Lord Paddington with
an assortment of his unrivalled waistcoats, or clad in that simple
but aristocratic style of which Schneider ALONE has the secret. Parvy
Newcome really looked like a gentleman, and though corpulent and
crooked, Schneider had managed to give him, &c. Don’t you see what a
stroke of business you might do in this way.

“The shoemaker.--Lady Fanny flew, rather than danced, across the
ball-room; only a Sylphide, or Taglioni, or a lady chausseed by
Chevillett of Bond Street could move in that fairy way; and

“The hairdresser.--‘Count Barbarossa is seventy years of age,’ said the
Earl. ‘I remember him at the Congress of Vienna, and he has not a single
gray hair.’ Wiggins laughed. ‘My good Lord Baldock,’ said the old wag,
‘I saw Barbarossa’s hair coming out of Ducroissant’s shop, and under his
valet’s arm--ho! ho! ho!’--and the two bon-vivans chuckled as the Count
passed by, talking with, &c. &c.

“The gunmaker.--‘The antagonists faced each other; and undismayed before
his gigantic enemy, Kilconnel raised his pistol. It was one of Clicker’s
manufacture, and Sir Marmaduke knew he could trust the maker and the
weapon. “One, two, THREE,” cried O’Tool, and the two pistols went off at
that instant, and uttering a terrific curse, the Lifeguardsman,’ &c.--A
sentence of this nature from your pen, my dear Snooks, would, I should
think, bring a case of pistols and a double-barrelled gun to your
lodgings; and, though heaven forbid you should use such weapons, you
might sell them, you know, and we could make merry with the proceeds.

“If my hint is of any use to you, it is quite at your service, dear
Snooks; and should anything come of it, I hope you will remember your




“Considerable sensation has been excited in the upper and lower circles
in the West End, by a startling piece of good fortune which has befallen
James Plush, Esq., lately footman in a respected family in Berkeley

“One day last week, Mr. James waited upon his master, who is a banker in
the City; and after a little blushing and hesitation, said he had saved
a little money in service, was anxious to retire, and to invest his
savings to advantage.

“His master (we believe we may mention, without offending delicacy, the
well-known name of Sir George Flimsy, of the house of Flimsy, Diddler,
and Flash,) smilingly asked Mr. James what was the amount of his
savings, wondering considerably how, out of an income of thirty
guineas--the main part of which he spent in bouquets, silk stockings,
and perfumery--Mr. Plush could have managed to lay by anything.

“Mr. Plush, with some hesitation, said he had been SPECULATING IN
RAILROADS, and stated his winnings to have been thirty thousand
pounds. He had commenced his speculations with twenty, borrowed from
a fellow-servant. He had dated his letters from the house in Berkeley
Square, and humbly begged pardon of his master for not having instructed
the Railway Secretaries who answered his applications to apply at the

“Sir George, who was at breakfast, instantly rose, and shook Mr. P.
by the hand; Lady Flimsy begged him to be seated, and partake of the
breakfast which he had laid on the table; and has subsequently invited
him to her grand dejeuner at Richmond, where it was observed that Miss
Emily Flimsy, her beautiful and accomplished seventh daughter, paid the
lucky gentleman MARKED ATTENTION.

“We hear it stated that Mr. P. is of a very ancient family (Hugo de la
Pluche came over with the Conqueror); and the new brougham which he has
started bears the ancient coat of his race.

“He has taken apartments in the Albany, and is a director of
thirty-three railroads. He proposes to stand for Parliament at the next
general election on decidedly conservative principles, which have always
been the politics of his family.

“Report says, that even in his humble capacity Miss Emily Flimsy had
remarked his high demeanor. Well, ‘None but the brave,’ say we, ‘deserve
the fair.’”--Morning Paper.

This announcement will explain the following lines, which have been put
into our box* with a West End post-mark. If, as we believe, they are
written by the young woman from whom the Millionnaire borrowed the sum
on which he raised his fortune, what heart will not melt with sympathy
at her tale, and pity the sorrows which she expresses in such artless

If it be not too late; if wealth have not rendered its possessor
callous; if poor Maryanne BE STILL ALIVE; we trust, we trust, Mr. Plush
will do her justice.

     * The letter-box of Mr. Punch, in whose columns these papers
     were first published.


           “A HELIGY.

          “Come all ye gents vot cleans the plate,
            Come all ye ladies maids so fair--     Vile I a story
          vill relate
            Of cruel Jeames of Buckley Square.
          A tighter lad, it is confest,
            Neer valked with powder in his air,
          Or vore a nosegay in his breast,
            Than andsum Jeames of Buckley Square.

          “O Evns! it vas the best of sights,
            Behind his Master’s coach and pair,
          To see our Jeames in red plush tights,
            A driving hoff from Buckley Square.
          He vel became his hagwilletts,
            He cocked his at with SUCH a hair;
          His calves and viskers VAS such pets,
            That hall loved Jeames of Buckley Square.

          “He pleased the hup-stairs folks as vell,
            And o! I vithered vith despair,
          Missis VOULD ring the parler bell,
            And call up Jeames in Buckley Square.
          Both beer and sperrits he abhord,
            (Sperrits and beer I can’t a bear,)
          You would have thought he vas a lord
            Down in our All in Buckley Square.

          “Last year he visper’d ‘Mary Ann,
            Ven I’ve an under’d pound to spare,
          To take a public is my plan,
            And leave this hojous Buckley Square.’
          O how my gentle heart did bound,
            To think that I his name should bear.
          ‘Dear Jeames.’ says I, ‘I’ve twenty pound;
            And gev them him in Buckley Square.

          “Our master vas a City gent,
            His name’s in railroads everywhere,
          And lord, vot lots of letters vent
            Betwigst his brokers and Buckley Square:
          My Jeames it was the letters took,
            And read them all, (I think it’s fair,)
          And took a leaf from Master’s book,
            As HOTHERS do in Buckley Square.

          Encouraged with my twenty pound,
            Of which poor I was unavare,
          He wrote the Companies all round,
            And signed hisself from Buckley Square.
          And how John Porter used to grin,
            As day by day, share after share,
          Came railvay letters pouring in,
            ‘J. Plush, Esquire, in Buckley Square.’

          “Our servants’ All was in a rage--
             Scrip, stock,
          curves, gradients, bull and bear,
          Vith butler, coachman, groom and page,
            Vas all the talk in Buckley Square.
          But O! imagine vot I felt
            Last Vensday veek as ever were;
          I gits a letter, which I spelt
            ‘Miss M. A. Hoggins, Buckley Square.’

          “He sent me back my money true--
             He sent me back my lock of air,
          And said, ‘My dear, I bid ajew
            To Mary Hann and Buckley Square.
          Think not to marry, foolish Hann,
            With people who your betters are;
          James Plush is now a gentleman,
            And you--a cook in Buckley Square.

          “‘I’ve thirty thousand guineas won,
            In six short months, by genus rare;
          You little thought what Jeames was on,
            Poor Mary Hann, in Buckley Square.
          I’ve thirty thousand guineas net,
            Powder and plush I scorn to vear;
          And so, Miss Mary Hann, forget
            For hever Jeames, of Buckley Square.’”


The rest of the MS. is illegible, being literally washed away in a flood
of tears.


“ALBANY, LETTER X. August 10, 1845.

“SIR,--Has a reglar suscriber to your emusing paper, I beg leaf to state
that I should never have done so, had I supposed that it was your abbit
to igspose the mistaries of privit life, and to hinjer the delligit
feelings of umble individyouals like myself, who have NO IDEER of being
made the subject of newspaper criticism.

“I elude, sir, to the unjustafiable use which has been made of my name
in your Journal, where both my muccantile speclations and the HINMOST
PASHSN OF MY ART have been brot forrards in a ridicklus way for the
public emusemint.

“What call, sir, has the public to inquire into the suckmstansies of my
engagements with Miss Mary Hann Oggins, or to meddle with their rupsher?
Why am I to be maid the hobjick of your REDICULE IN A DOGGRIL BALLIT
impewted to her? I say IMPEWTED, because, in MY time at least, Mary Hann
could only sign her + mark (has I’ve hoften witnist it for her when she
paid hin at the Savings Bank), and has for SACRIFICING TO THE MEWSES and
making POATRY, she was as HINCAPIBLE as Mr. Wakley himself.

“With respect to the ballit, my baleaf is, that it is wrote by a footman
in a low famly, a pore retch who attempted to rivle me in my affections
to Mary Hann--a feller not five foot six, and with no more calves to his
legs than a donkey--who was always a-ritin (having been a doctor’s boy)
and who I nockt down with a pint of porter (as he well recklex) at the
3 Tuns Jerming Street, for daring to try to make a but of me. He has
signed Miss H’s name to his NONSINCE AND LIES: and you lay yourself
hopen to a haction for libel for insutting them in your paper.

“It is false that I have treated Miss H. hill in HANY way. That I
borrowed 20lb of her is TREW. But she confesses I paid it back. Can hall
people say as much of the money THEY’VE lent or borrowed? No. And I not
only paid it back, but giv her the andsomest pres’nts: WHICH I NEVER
SHOULD HAVE ALLUDED TO, but for this attack. Fust, a silver thimble
(which I found in Missus’s work-box); secknd, a vollom of Byrom’s poems;
third, I halways brought her a glas of Curasore, when we ad a party, of
which she was remarkable fond. I treated her to Hashley’s twice,
(and halways a srimp or a hoyster by the way,) and a THOWSND DELIGIT
ATTENTIONS, which I sapose count for NOTHINK.

“Has for marridge. Haltered suckmstancies rendered it himpossable. I
was gone into a new spear of life--mingling with my native aristoxy.
I breathe no sallible of blame against Miss H., but his a hilliterit
cookmaid fit to set at a fashnable table? Do young fellers of rank
genrally marry out of the Kitching? If we cast our i’s upon a low-born
gal, I needn say it’s only a tempory distraction, pore passy le tong. So
much for HER claims upon me. Has for THAT BEEST OF A DOCTOR’S BOY he’s
unwuthy the notas of a Gentleman.

“That I’ve one thirty thousand lb, AND PRAPS MORE, I dont deny. Ow much
has the Kilossus of Railroads one, I should like to know, and what was
his cappitle? I hentered the market with 20lb, specklated Jewdicious,
and ham what I ham. So may you be (if you have 20lb, and praps you
haven’t)--So may you be: if you choose to go in & win.

“I for my part am jusly PROWD of my suxess, and could give you a hundred
instances of my gratatude. For igsample, the fust pair of hosses
I bought (and a better pair of steppers I dafy you to see in hany
curracle,) I crisn’d Hull and Selby, in grateful elusion to my
transackshns in that railroad. My riding Cob I called very unhaptly my
Dublin and Galway. He came down with me the other day, and I’ve jest
sold him at 1/4 discount.

“At fust with prudence and modration I only kep two grooms for my
stables, one of whom lickwise waited on me at table. I have now a
confidenshle servant, a vally de shamber--He curls my air; inspex my
accounts, and hansers my hinvitations to dinner. I call this Vally my
TRENT VALLY, for it was the prophit I got from that exlent line, which
injuiced me to ingage him.

“Besides my North British Plate and Breakfast equipidge--I have two
handsom suvvices for dinner--the goold plate for Sundays, and the silver
for common use. When I ave a great party, ‘Trent,’ I say to my man, ‘we
will have the London and Bummingham plate to-day (the goold), or else
the Manchester and Leeds (the silver).’ I bought them after realizing on
the abuf lines, and if people suppose that the companys made me a presnt
of the plate, how can I help it?

“In the sam way I say, ‘Trent, bring us a bottle of Bristol amid
Hexeter!’ or, ‘Put some Heastern Counties in hice!’ HE knows what I
mean: it’s the wines I bought upon the hospicious tummination of my
connexshn with those two railroads.

“So strong, indeed, as this abbit become, that being asked to stand
Godfather to the youngest Miss Diddle last weak, I had her christened
(provisionally) Rosamell--from the French line of which I am Director;
and only the other day, finding myself rayther unwell, ‘Doctor,’ says I
to Sir Jeames Clark, ‘I’ve sent to consult you because my Midlands are
out of horder; and I want you to send them up to a premium.’ The Doctor
lafd, and I beleave told the story subsquintly at Buckinum P-ll-s.

“But I will trouble you no father. My sole objict in writing has been
to CLEAR MY CARRATER--to show that I came by my money in a honrable way:
that I’m not ashaymd of the manner in which I gayned it, and ham indeed
grateful for my good fortune.

“To conclude, I have ad my podigree maid out at the Erald Hoffis (I
don’t mean the Morning Erald), and have took for my arms a Stagg. You
are corrict in stating that I am of hancient Normin famly. This is more
than Peal can say, to whomb I applied for a barnetcy; but the primmier
being of low igstraction, natrally stickles for his horder. Consurvative
though I be, I MAY CHANGE MY OPINIONS before the next Election, when I
intend to hoffer myself as a Candydick for Parlymint.

“Meanwhile, I have the honor to be, Sir,

“Your most obeajnt Survnt,



One day in the panic week, our friend Jeames called at our office,
evidently in great perturbation of mind and disorder of dress. He had no
flower in his button-hole; his yellow kid gloves were certainly two days
old. He had not above three of the ten chains he usually sports, and his
great coarse knotty-knuckled old hands were deprived of some dozen of
the rubies, emeralds, and other cameos with which, since his elevation
to fortune, the poor fellow has thought fit to adorn himself.

“How’s scrip, Mr. Jeames?” said we pleasantly, greeting our esteemed

“Scrip be ----,” replied he, with an expression we cannot repeat, and
a look of agony it is impossible to describe in print, and walked
about the parlor whistling, humming, rattling his keys and coppers, and
showing other signs of agitation. At last, “MR. PUNCH,” says he, after
a moment’s hesitation, “I wish to speak to you on a pint of businiss.
I wish to be paid for my contribewtions to your paper. Suckmstances is
altered with me. I--I--in a word, CAN you lend me --L. for the account?”

He named the sum. It was one so great that we don’t care to mention
it here; but on receiving a cheque for the amount (on Messrs. Pump and
Aldgate, our bankers,) tears came into the honest fellow’s eyes. He
squeezed our hand until he nearly wrung it off, and shouting to a cab,
he plunged into it at our office-door, and was off to the City.

Returning to our study, we found he had left on our table an open
pocket-book, of the contents of which (for the sake of safety) we took
an inventory. It contained--three tavern-bills, paid; a tailor’s ditto,
unsettled; forty-nine allotments in different companies, twenty-six
thousand seven hundred shares in all, of which the market value we take,
on an average, to be 1/4 discount; and in an old bit of paper tied with
pink ribbon a lock of chestnut hair, with the initials M. A. H.

In the diary of the pocket-book was a journal, jotted down by the
proprietor from time to time. At first the entries are insignificant:
as, for instance:--“3rd January--Our beer in the Suvnts’ hall so
PRECIOUS small at this Christmas time that I reely MUSS give warning,
& wood, but for my dear Mary Hann. February 7--That broot Screw, the
Butler, wanted to kis her, but my dear Mary Hann boxt his hold hears, &
served him right. I DATEST Screw,”--and so forth. Then the diary relates
to Stock Exchange operations, until we come to the time when, having
achieved his successes, Mr. James quitted Berkeley Square and his
livery, and began his life as a speculator and a gentleman upon town. It
is from the latter part of his diary that we make the following


“Wen I anounced in the Servnts All my axeshn of forting, and that by
the exasize of my own talince and ingianiuty I had reerlized a summ of
20,000 lb. (it was only 5, but what’s the use of a mann depreshiating
the qualaty of his own mackyrel?)--wen I enounced my abrup intention
to cut--you should have sean the sensation among hall the people! Cook
wanted to know whether I woodn like a sweatbred, or the slise of the
breast of a Cold Tucky. Screw, the butler, (womb I always detested as a
hinsalant hoverbaring beest,) begged me to walk into the Hupper
Servnts All, and try a glass of Shuperior Shatto Margo. Heven Visp, the
coachmin, eld out his and, & said, ‘Jeames, I hopes theres no quarraling
betwigst you & me, & I’ll stand a pot of beer with pleasure.’

“The sickofnts!--that wery Cook had split on me to the Housekeeper
ony last week (catchin me priggin some cold tuttle soop, of which I’m
remarkable fond). Has for the butler, I always EBOMMINATED him for his
precious snears and imperence to all us Gents who woar livry (he never
would sit in our parlor, fasooth, nor drink out of our mugs); and in
regard of Visp--why, it was ony the day before the wulgar beest hoffered
to fite me, and thretnd to give me a good iding if I refused. Gentlemen
and ladies,’ says I, as haughty as may be, ‘there’s nothink that I
want for that I can’t go for to buy with my hown money, and take at my
lodgins in Halbany, letter Hex; if I’m ungry I’ve no need to refresh
myself in the KITCHING.’ And so saying, I took a dignified ajew of these
minnial domestics; and ascending to my epartment in the 4 pair back,
brushed the powder out of my air, and taking off those hojous livries
for hever, put on a new soot, made for me by Cullin of St. Jeames
Street, and which fitted my manly figger as tight as whacks.

“There was ONE pusson in the house with womb I was rayther anxious to
evoid a persnal leave-taking--Mary Hann Oggins, I mean--for my art is
natural tender, and I can’t abide seeing a pore gal in pane. I’d given
her previous the infamation of my departure--doing the ansom thing by
her at the same time--paying her back 20 lb., which she’d lent me 6
months before: and paying her back not only the interest, but I gave
her an andsome pair of scissars and a silver thimbil, by way of boanus.
‘Mary Hann,’ says I, ‘suckimstancies has haltered our rellatif positions
in life. I quit the Servnts Hall for ever, (for has for your marrying a
person in my rank, that, my dear, is hall gammin,) and so I wish you a
good-by, my good gal, and if you want to better yourself, halways refer
to me.’

“Mary Hann didn’t hanser my speech (which I think was remarkable kind),
but looked at me in the face quite wild like, and bust into somethink
betwigst a laugh & a cry, and fell down with her ed on the kitching
dresser, where she lay until her young Missis rang the dressing-room
bell. Would you bleave it? She left the thimbil & things, & my check
for 20lb. 10s., on the tabil when she went to hanser the bell. And now
I heard her sobbing and vimpering in her own room nex but one to mine,
vith the dore open, peraps expecting I should come in and say good-by.
But, as soon as I was dressed, I cut down stairs, hony desiring
Frederick my fellow-servnt, to fetch me a cabb, and requesting
permission to take leaf of my lady & the famly before my departure.”


“How Miss Hemly did hogle me to be sure! Her ladyship told me what a
sweet gal she was--hamiable, fond of poetry, plays the gitter. Then she
hasked me if I liked blond bewties and haubin hair. Haubin, indeed! I
don’t like carrits! as it must be confest Miss Hemly’s his--and has for
a BLOND BUTY, she has pink I’s like a Halbino, and her face looks as if
it were dipt in a brann mash. How she squeeged my & as she went away!

“Mary Hann now HAS haubin air, and a cumplexion like roses and hivory,
and I’s as blew as Evin.

“I gev Frederick two and six for fetchin the cabb--been resolved to hact
the gentleman in hall things. How he stared!”

“25th.--I am now director of forty-seven hadvantageous lines, and have
past hall day in the Citty. Although I’ve hate or nine new soots of
close, and Mr. Cullin fits me heligant, yet I fansy they hall reckonise
me. Conshns whispers to me, ‘Jeams, you’r hony a footman in disguise
hafter all.’”

“28th.--Been to the Hopra. Music tol lol. That Lablash is a wopper
at singing. I coodn make out why some people called out ‘Bravo,’
some ‘Bravar,’ and some ‘Bravee.’ ‘Bravee, Lablash,’ says I, at which
heverybody laft.

“I’m in my new stall. I’ve had new cushings put in, and my harms in
goold on the back. I’m dressed hall in black, excep a gold waistcoat and
dimind studds in the embriderd busom of my shameese. I wear a Camallia
Jiponiky in my button-ole, and have a double-barreld opera-glas, so big,
that I make Timmins, my secnd man, bring it in the other cabb.

“What an igstronry exabishn that Pawdy Carter is! If those four gals are
faries, Tellioni is sutnly the fairy Queend. She can do all that they
can do, and somethink they can’t. There’s an indiscrible grace about
her, and Carlotty, my sweet Carlotty, she sets my art in flams.

“Ow that Miss Hemly was noddin and winkin at me out of their box on the
fourth tear?

“What linx i’s she must av. As if I could mount up there!

“P.S.--Talking of MOUNTING HUP! the St. Helena’s walked up 4 per cent
this very day.”

“2nd July.--Rode my bay oss Desperation in the park. There was me,
Lord George Ringwood (Lord Cinqbar’s son), Lord Ballybunnion, Honorable
Capting Trap, & sevral hother young swells. Sir John’s carridge there in
coarse. Miss Hemly lets fall her booky as I pass, and I’m obleged to
get hoff and pick it hup, & get splashed up to the his. The gettin on
hossback agin is halways the juice & hall. Just as I was on, Desperation
begins a porring the hair with his 4 feet, and sinks down so on his
anches, that I’m blest if I didn’t slip hoff agin over his tail, at
which Ballybunnion & the hother chaps rord with lafter.

“As Bally has istates in Queen’s County, I’ve put him on the St. Helena
direction. We call it the ‘Great St. Helena Napoleon Junction,’ from
Jamestown to Longwood. The French are taking it hup heagerly.”

“6th July.--Dined to-day at the London Tavin with one of the Welsh bords
of Direction I’m hon. The Cwrwmwrw & Plmwyddlywm, with tunnils through
Snowding and Plinlimming.

“Great nashnallity of course. Ap Shinkin in the chair, Ap Llwydd in the
vice; Welsh mutton for dinner; Welsh iron knives & forks; Welsh rabbit
after dinner; and a Welsh harper, be hanged to him: he went strummint on
his hojous hinstrument, and played a toon piguliarly disagreeble to me.

“It was PORE MARY HANN. The clarrit holmost choaked me as I tried it,
and I very nearly wep myself as I thought of her bewtifle blue i’s. Why
HAM I always thinking about that gal? Sasiety is sasiety, it’s lors is
irresistabl. Has a man of rank I can’t marry a serving-made. What would
Cinqbar and Ballybunnion say?

“P.S.--I don’t like the way that Cinqbars has of borroing money,
& halways making me pay the bill. Seven pound six at the ‘Shipp,’
Grinnidge, which I don’t grudge it, for Derbyshire’s brown Ock is the
best in Urup; nine pound three at the ‘Trafflygar,’ and seventeen pound
sixteen and nine at the ‘Star and Garter,’ Richmond, with the Countess
St. Emilion & the Baroness Frontignac. Not one word of French could I
speak, and in consquince had nothink to do but to make myself halmost
sick with heating hices and desert, while the hothers were chattering
and parlyvooing.

“Ha! I remember going to Grinnidge once with Mary Hann, when we were
more happy (after a walk in the park, where we ad one gingy-beer
betwigst us), more appy with tea and a simple srimp than with hall this

“July 24.--My first-floor apartmince in Halbiny is now kimpletely and
chasely furnished--the droring-room with yellow satting and silver for
the chairs and sophies--hemrall green tabbinet curtings with pink velvet
& goold borders and fringes; a light blue Haxminster Carpit, embroydered
with tulips; tables, secritaires, cunsoles, &c., as handsome as goold
can make them, and candle-sticks and shandalers of the purest Hormolew.

“The Dining-room furniture is all HOAK, British Hoak; round igspanding
table, like a trick in a Pantimime, iccommadating any number from 8 to
24--to which it is my wish to restrict my parties. Curtings crimsing
damask, Chairs crimsing myrocky. Portricks of my favorite great men
decorats the wall--namely, the Duke of Wellington. There’s four of his
Grace. For I’ve remarked that if you wish to pass for a man of weight
and considdration you should holways praise and quote him. I have a
valluble one lickwise of my Queend, and 2 of Prince Halbert--has a Field
Martial and halso as a privat Gent. I despise the vulgar SNEARS that are
daily hullered aginst that Igsolted Pottentat. Betwigxt the Prins & the
Duke hangs me, in the Uniform of the Cinqbar Malitia, of which Cinqbars
has made me Capting.

“The Libery is not yet done.

“But the Bedd-roomb is the Jem of the whole. If you could but see it!
such a Bedworr! Ive a Shyval Dressing Glass festooned with Walanseens
Lace, and lighted up of evenings with rose-colored tapers. Goold
dressing-case and twilet of Dresding Cheny. My bed white and gold with
curtings of pink and silver brocayd held up a top by a goold Qpid who
seems always a smilin angillicly hon me, has I lay with my Ed on my
piller hall sarounded with the finest Mechlin. I have a own man, a yuth
under him, 2 groombs, and a fimmale for the House. I’ve 7 osses: in cors
if I hunt this winter I must increase my ixtablishment.

“N.B. Heverythink looking well in the City. St. Helenas, 12 pm.;
Madagascars, 9 5/8; Saffron Hill and Rookery Junction, 24; and the new
lines in prospick equily incouraging.

“People phansy it’s hall gaiety and pleasure the life of us fashnabble
gents about townd--But I can tell ‘em it’s not hall goold that
glitters. They don’t know our momints of hagony, hour ours of studdy
and reflecshun. They little think when they see Jeames de la Pluche,
Exquire, worling round in a walce at Halmax with Lady Hann, or lazaly
stepping a kidrill with Lady Jane, poring helegant nothinx into the
Countess’s hear at dinner, or gallopin his hoss Desperation hover the
exorcisin ground in the Park,--they little think that leader of the
tong, seaminkly so reckliss, is a careworn mann! and yet so it is.

“Imprymus. I’ve been ableged to get up all the ecomplishments at double
quick, & to apply myself with treemenjuous energy.

“First,--in horder to give myself a hideer of what a gentleman reely is,
I’ve read the novvle of ‘Pelham’ six times, and am to go through it 4
times mor.

“I practis ridin and the acquirement of ‘a steady and & a sure seat
across Country’ assijuously 4 times a week, at the Hippydrum Riding
Grounds. Many’s the tumbil I’ve ad, and the aking boans I’ve suffered
from, though I was grinnin in the Park or laffin at the Opra.

“Every morning from 6 till 9, the innabitance of Halbany may have been
surprised to hear the sounds of music ishuing from the apartmince of
Jeames de la Pluche, Exquire, Letter Hex. It’s my dancing-master.
From six to nine we have walces and polkies--at nine, ‘mangtiang
& depotment,’ as he calls it & the manner of hentering a room,
complimenting the ost and ostess & compotting yourself at table. At
nine I henter from my dressing-room (has to a party), I make my bow--my
master (he’s a Marquis in France, and ad misfortins, being connected
with young Lewy Nepoleum) reseaves me--I hadwance--speak abowt the
weather & the toppix of the day in an elegant & cussory manner.
Brekfst is enounced by Fitzwarren, my mann--we precede to the festive
bord--complimence is igschanged with the manner of drinking wind,
addressing your neighbor, employing your napking & finger-glas, &c. And
then we fall to brekfst, when I prommiss you the Marquis don’t eat like
a commoner. He says I’m gettn on very well--soon I shall be able to
inwite people to brekfst, like Mr. Mills, my rivle in Halbany; Mr.
Macauly, (who wrote that sweet book of ballets, ‘The Lays of Hancient
Rum;’) & the great Mr. Rodgers himself.

“The above was wrote some weeks back. I HAVE given brekfst sins then,
reglar Deshunys. I have ad Earls and Ycounts--Barnits as many as I
chose: and the pick of the Railway world, of which I form a member. Last
Sunday was a grand Fate. I had the Eleet of my friends: the display was
sumptious; the company reshershy. Everything that Dellixy could suggest
was provided by Gunter. I had a Countiss on my right & (the Countess
of Wigglesbury, that loveliest and most dashing of Staggs, who may be
called the Railway Queend, as my friend George H---- is the Railway
King,) on my left the Lady Blanche Bluenose, Prince Towrowski, the great
Sir Huddlestone Fuddlestone from the North, and a skoar of the fust of
the fashn. I was in my GLOARY--the dear Countess and Lady Blanche was
dying with lauffing at my joax and fun--I was keeping the whole table in
a roar--when there came a ring at my door-bell, and sudnly Fitzwarren,
my man, henters with an air of constanation. ‘Theres somebody at the
door,’ says he in a visper.

“‘Oh, it’s that dear Lady Hemily,’ says I, ‘and that lazy raskle of a
husband of hers. Trot them in, Fitzwarren,’ (for you see by this time
I had adopted quite the manners and hease of the arristoxy.)--And so,
going out, with a look of wonder he returned presently, enouncing Mr. &
Mrs. Blodder.

“I turned gashly pail. The table--the guests--the Countiss--Towrouski,
and the rest, weald round & round before my hagitated I’s. IT WAS MY
GRANDMOTHER AND Huncle Bill. She is a washerwoman at Healing Common, and
he--he keeps a wegetable donkey-cart.

“Y, Y hadn’t John, the tiger, igscluded them? He had tried. But the
unconscious, though worthy creeters, adwanced in spite of him, Huncle
Bill bringing in the old lady grinning on his harm!

“Phansy my feelinx.”

“Immagin when these unfortnat members of my famly hentered the room:
you may phansy the ixtonnishment of the nobil company presnt. Old Grann
looked round the room quite estounded by its horiental splender,
and huncle Bill (pulling off his phantail, & seluting the company as
respeckfly as his wulgar natur would alow) says--‘Crikey, Jeames, you’ve
got a better birth here than you ad where you were in the plush and
powder line.’ ‘Try a few of them plovers hegs, sir,’ I says, whishing,
I’m asheamed to say, that somethink would choke huncle B---; ‘and I
hope, mam, now you’ve ad the kindniss to wisit me, a little refreshment
won’t be out of your way.’

“This I said, detummind to put a good fase on the matter: and because
in herly times I’d reseaved a great deal of kindniss from the hold lady,
which I should be a roag to forgit. She paid for my schooling; she got
up my fine linning gratis; shes given me many & many a lb; and manys
the time in appy appy days when me and Maryhann has taken tea. But never
mind THAT. ‘Mam,’ says I, ‘you must be tired hafter your walk.’

“‘Walk? Nonsince, Jeames,’ says she; ‘it’s Saturday, & I came in, in THE
CART.’ ‘Black or green tea, maam?’ says Fitzwarren, intarupting her. And
I will say the feller showed his nouce & good breeding in this difficklt
momink; for he’d halready silenced huncle Bill, whose mouth was now full
of muffinx, am, Blowny sausag, Perrigole pie, and other dellixies.

“‘Wouldn’t you like a little SOMETHINK in your tea, Mam,’ says that sly
wagg Cinqbars. ‘HE knows what I likes,’ replies the hawfle hold Lady,
pinting to me, (which I knew it very well, having often seen her take
a glass of hojous gin along with her Bohee), and so I was ableeged to
horder Fitzwarren to bring round the licures, and to help my unfortnit
rellatif to a bumper of Ollands. She tost it hoff to the elth of the
company, giving a smack with her lipps after she’d emtied the glas,
which very nearly caused me to phaint with hagny. But, luckaly for me,
she didn’t igspose herself much farther: for when Cinqbars was pressing
her to take another glas, I cried out, ‘Don’t, my lord,’ on which old
Grann hearing him edressed by his title, cried out, ‘A Lord! o law!’
and got up and made him a cutsy, and coodnt be peswaded to speak another
word. The presents of the noble gent heavidently made her uneezy.

“The Countiss on my right and had shownt symtms of ixtream disgust at
the beayvior of my relations, and having called for her carridg, got up
to leave the room, with the most dignified hair. I, of coarse, rose to
conduct her to her weakle. Ah, what a contrast it was! There it
stood, with stars and garters hall hover the pannels; the footmin in
peach-colored tites; the hosses worth 3 hundred apiece;--and there
stood the horrid LINNEN-CART, with ‘Mary Blodder, Laundress, Ealing,
Middlesex,’ wrote on the bord, and waiting till my abandind old parint
should come out.

“Cinqbars insisted upon helping her in. Sir Huddlestone Fuddlestone,
the great Barnet from the North, who, great as he is, is as stewpid as
a howl, looked on, hardly trusting his goggle I’s as they witnessed the
sean. But little lively good naterd Lady Kitty Quickset, who was going
away with the Countiss, held her little & out of the carridge to me and
said, ‘Mr. De la Pluche, you are a much better man than I took you to
be. Though her Ladyship IS horrified, & though your Grandmother DID take
gin for breakfast, don’t give her up. No one ever came to harm yet for
honoring their father & mother.’

“And this was a sort of consolation to me, and I observed that all the
good fellers thought none the wuss of me. Cinqbars said I was a trump
for sticking up for the old washerwoman; Lord George Gills said she
should have his linning; and so they cut their joax, and I let them. But
it was a great releaf to my mind when the cart drove hoff.

“There was one pint which my Grandmother observed, and which, I muss
say, I thought lickwise: ‘Ho, Jeames,’ says she, ‘hall those fine ladies
in sattns and velvets is very well, but there’s not one of em can hold a
candle to Mary Hann.’”

“Railway Spec is going on phamusly. You should see how polite they har
at my bankers now! Sir Paul Pump Aldgate, & Company. They bow me out of
the back parlor as if I was a Nybobb. Every body says I’m worth half a
millium. The number of lines they’re putting me upon is inkumseavable.
I’ve put Fitzwarren, my man, upon several. Reginald Fitzwarren, Esquire,
looks splendid in a perspectus; and the raskle owns that he has made two

“How the ladies, & men too, foller and flatter me! If I go into Lady
Binsis hopra box, she makes room for me, who ever is there, and cries
out, ‘O do make room for that dear creature!’ And she complyments me on
my taste in musick, or my new Broom-oss, or the phansy of my weskit, and
always ends by asking me for some shares. Old Lord Bareacres, as stiff
as a poaker, as prowd as loosyfer, as poor as Joab--even he condysends
to be sivvle to the great De la Pluche, and begged me at Harthur’s,
lately, in his sollom, pompus way, ‘to faver him with five minutes’
conversation.’ I knew what was coming--application for shares--put him
down on my private list. Would’nt mind the Scrag End Junction passing
through Bareacres--hoped I’d come down and shoot there.

“I gave the old humbugg a few shares out of my own pocket. ‘There, old
Pride,’ says I, ‘I like to see you down on your knees to a footman.
There, old Pompossaty! Take fifty pound; I like to see you come cringing
and begging for it.’ Whenever I see him in a VERY public place, I take
my change for my money. I digg him in the ribbs, or slap his padded old
shoulders. I call him, ‘Bareacres, my old buck!’ and I see him wince. It
does my art good.

“I’m in low sperits. A disagreeable insadent has just occurred. Lady
Pump, the banker’s wife, asked me to dinner. I sat on her right, of
course, with an uncommon gal ner me, with whom I was getting on in
my fassanating way--full of lacy ally (as the Marquis says) and easy
plesntry. Old Pump, from the end of the table, asked me to drink
shampane; and on turning to tak the glass I saw Charles Wackles (with
womb I’d been imployed at Colonel Spurriers’ house) grinning over his
shoulder at the butler.

“The beest reckonised me. Has I was putting on my palto in the hall, he
came up again: ‘HOW DY DOO, Jeames?’ says he, in a findish visper. ‘Just
come out here, Chawles,’ says I, ‘I’ve a word for you, my old boy.’ So
I beckoned him into Portland Place, with my pus in my hand, as if I was
going to give him a sovaring.

“‘I think you said “Jeames,” Chawles,’ says I, ‘and grind at me at

“‘Why, sir.’ says he, ‘we’re old friends, you know.’

“‘Take that for old friendship then,’ says I, and I gave him just one on
the noas, which sent him down on the pavemint as if he’d been shot.
And mounting myjesticly into my cabb, I left the rest of the grinning
scoundrills to pick him up, & droav to the Clubb.”

“Have this day kimpleated a little efair with my friend George, Earl
Bareacres, which I trust will be to the advantidge both of self & that
noble gent. Adjining the Bareacre proppaty is a small piece of land of
about 100 acres, called Squallop Hill, igseeding advantageous for the
cultivation of sheep, which have been found to have a pickewlear
fine flaviour from the natur of the grass, tyme, heather, and other
hodarefarus plants which grows on that mounting in the places where
the rox and stones don’t prevent them. Thistles here is also remarkable
fine, and the land is also devided hoff by luxurient Stone Hedges--much
more usefle and ickonomicle than your quickset or any of that rubbishing
sort of timber: indeed the sile is of that fine natur, that timber
refuses to grow there altogether. I gave Bareacres 50L. an acre for this
land (the igsact premium of my St. Helena Shares)--a very handsom price
for land which never yielded two shillings an acre; and very convenient
to his Lordship I know, who had a bill coming due at his Bankers which
he had given them. James de la Pluche, Esquire, is thus for the fust
time a landed propriator--or rayther, I should say, is about to reshume
the rank & dignity in the country which his Hancestors so long occupied.

“I have caused one of our inginears to make me a plann of the Squallop
Estate, Diddlesexshire, the property of &c. &c., bordered on the North
by Lord Bareacres’ Country; on the West by Sir Granby Growler; on the
South by the Hotion. An Arkytect & Survare, a young feller of great
emagination, womb we have employed to make a survey of the Great
Caffranan line, has built me a beautiful Villar (on paper), Plushton
Hall, Diddlesex, the seat of I de la P., Esquire. The house is
reprasented a handsome Itallian Structer, imbusmd in woods, and
circumwented by beautiful gardings. Theres a lake in front with boatsful
of nobillaty and musitions floting on its placid sufface--and a curricle
is a driving up to the grand hentrance, and me in it, with Mrs., or
perhaps Lady Hangelana de la Pluche. I speak adwisedly. I MAY be going
to form a noble kinexion. I may be (by marridge) going to unight my
family once more with Harrystoxy, from which misfortn has for some
sentries separated us. I have dreams of that sort.

“I’ve sean sevral times in a dalitifle vishn a SERTING ERL, standing
in a hattitude of bennydiction, and rattafying my union with a serting
butifle young lady, his daughter. Phansy Mr. or Sir Jeames and
lady Hangelina de la Pluche! Ho! what will the old washywoman, my
grandmother, say? She may sell her mangle then, and shall too by my
honor as a Gent.”

“As for Squallop Hill, its not to be emadgind that I was going to give
5000 lb. for a bleak mounting like that, unless I had some ideer in
vew. Ham I not a Director of the Grand Diddlesex? Don’t Squallop lie
amediately betwigst Old Bone House, Single Gloster, and Scrag End,
through which cities our line passes? I will have 400,000 lb. for that
mounting, or my name is not Jeames. I have arranged a little barging too
for my friend the Erl. The line will pass through a hangle of Bareacre
Park. He shall have a good compensation I promis you; and then I shall
get back the 3000 I lent him. His banker’s acount, I fear, is in a
horrid state.”

[The Diary now for several days contains particulars of no
interest to the public:--Memoranda of City dinners--meetings of
Directors--fashionable parties in which Mr. Jeames figures, and
nearly always by the side of his new friend, Lord Bareacres, whose
“pompossaty,” as previously described, seems to have almost entirely

We then come to the following:--

“With a prowd and thankfle Art, I copy off this morning’s Gayzett the
following news:--

“‘Commission signed by the Lord Lieutenant of the County of Diddlesex.

“‘JAMES AUGUSTUS DE LA PLUCHE, Esquire, to be Deputy Lieutenant.’”

“‘North Diddlesex Regiment of Yeomanry Cavalry.

“‘James Augustus de la Pluche, Esquire, to be Captain, vice Blowhard,

“And his it so? Ham I indeed a landed propriator--a Deppaty Leftnant--a
Capting? May I hatend the Cort of my Sovring? and dror a sayber in my
country’s defens? I wish the French WOOD land, and me at the head of
my squadring on my hoss Desparation. How I’d extonish ‘em! How the
gals will stare when they see me in youniform! How Mary Hann would--but
nonsince! I’m halways thinking of that pore gal. She’s left Sir John’s.
She couldn’t abear to stay after I went, I’ve heerd say. I hope she’s
got a good place. Any sumn of money that would sett her up in bisniss,
or make her comfarable, I’d come down with like a mann. I told my
granmother so, who sees her, and rode down to Healing on porpose on
Desparation to leave a five lb. noat in an anvylope. But she’s sent it
back, sealed with a thimbill.”

Tuesday.--Reseaved the folloing letter from Lord B----, rellatiff to my
presntation at Cort and the Youniform I shall wear on that hospicious

“‘MY DEAR DE LA PLUCHE,--I THINK you had better be presented as a
Deputy Lieutenant. As for the Diddlesex Yeomanry, I hardly know what the
uniform is now. The last time we were out was in 1803, when the Prince
of Wales reviewed us, and when we wore French gray jackets, leathers,
red morocco boots, crimson pelisses, brass helmets with leopard-skin
and a white plume, and the regulation pig-tail of eighteen inches. That
dress will hardly answer at present, and must be modified, of coarse. We
were called the White Feathers, in those days. For my part, I decidedly
recommend the Deputy Lieutenant.

“‘I shall be happy to present you at the Levee and at the Drawing-room.
Lady Bareacres will be in town for the 13th, with Angelina, who will be
presented on that day. My wife has heard much of you, and is anxious to
make your acquaintance.

“‘All my people are backward with their rents: for heaven’s sake, my
dear fellow, lend me five hundred and oblige

“‘Yours, very gratefully,


“Note.--Bareacres may press me about the Depity Leftnant; but I’M for
the cavvlery.”

“Jewly will always be a sacrid anniwussary with me. It was in that
month that I became persnally ecquaintid with my Prins and my gracious

“Long before the hospitious event acurd, you may imadgin that my busm
was in no triffling flutter. Sleaplis of nights, I past them thinking
of the great ewent--or if igsosted natur DID clothes my highlids--the
eyedear of my waking thoughts pevaded my slummers. Corts, Erls,
presntations, Goldstix, gracious Sovarinx mengling in my dreembs
unceasnly. I blush to say it (for humin prisumpshn never surely igseeded
that of my wicked wickid vishn), one night I actially dremt that Her
R. H. the Princess Hallis was grown up, and that there was a Cabinit
Counsel to detummin whether her & was to be bestoad on me or the Prins
of Sax-Muffinhausen-Pumpenstein, a young Prooshn or Germing zion of
nobillaty. I ask umly parding for this hordacious ideer.

“I said, in my fommer remarx, that I had detummined to be presented
to the notus of my reveared Sovaring in a melintary coschewm. The
Court-shoots in which Sivillians attend a Levy are so uncomming like
the--the--livries (ojous wud! I 8 to put it down) I used to wear before
entering sosiaty, that I couldn’t abide the notium of wearing one. My
detummination was fumly fixt to apeer as a Yominry Cavilry Hoffiser, in
the galleant youniform of the North Diddlesex Huzzas.

“Has that redgmint had not been out sins 1803, I thought myself quite
hotherized to make such halterations in the youniform as shuited the
presnt time and my metured and elygint taste. Pig-tales was out of the
question. Tites I was detummind to mintain. My legg is praps the finist
pint about me, and I was risolved not to hide it under a booshle.

“I phixt on scarlit tites, then, imbridered with goold, as I have seen
Widdicomb wear them at Hashleys when me and Mary Hann used to go
there. Ninety-six guineas worth of rich goold lace and cord did I have
myhandering hall hover those shoperb inagspressables.

“Yellow marocky Heshn boots, red eels, goold spurs and goold tassels as
bigg as belpulls.

“Jackit--French gray and silver oringe fasings & cuphs, according to the
old patn; belt, green and goold, tight round my pusn, & settin hoff the
cemetry of my figgar NOT DISADVINTAJUSLY.

“A huzza paleese of pupple velvit & sable fir. A sayber of Demaskus
steal, and a sabertash (in which I kep my Odiclone and imbridered pocket
ankercher), kimpleat my acooterments, which, without vannaty, was, I
flatter myself, UNEAK.

“But the crownding triumph was my hat. I couldnt wear a cock At. The
huzzahs dont use ‘em. I wouldnt wear the hojous old brass Elmet &
Leppardskin. I choas a hat which is dear to the memry of hevery Brittn;
an at which was inwented by my Feeld Marshle and adord Prins; an At
which VULGAR PREJIDIS & JOAKING has in vane etempted to run down. I
chose the HALBERT AT. I didn’t tell Bareacres of this egsabishn of
loilty, intending to SURPRISE him. The white ploom of the West Diddlesex
Yomingry I fixt on the topp of this Shacko, where it spread hout like a

“You may be sure that befor the fatle day arrived, I didnt niglect to
practus my part well; and had sevral REHUSTLES, as they say.

“This was the way. I used to dress myself in my full togs. I made
Fitzwarren, my boddy servnt, stand at the dor, and figger as the Lord
in Waiting. I put Mrs. Bloker, my laundress, in my grand harm chair
to reprasent the horgust pusn of my Sovring; Frederick, my secknd man,
standing on her left, in the hattatude of an illustrus Prins Consort.
Hall the Candles were lighted. ‘Captain de la Pluche, presented by Herl
Bareacres,’ Fitzwarren, my man, igsclaimed, as adwancing I made obasins
to the Thrown. Nealin on one nee, I cast a glans of unhuttarable loilty
towards the British Crownd, then stepping gracefully hup, (my Dimascus
Simiter WOULD git betwigst my ligs, in so doink, which at fust was wery
disagreeble)--rising hup grasefly, I say, I flung a look of manly but
respeckfl hommitch tords my Prins, and then ellygntly ritreated backards
out of the Roil Presents. I kep my 4 suvnts hup for 4 hours at this gaym
the night before my presntation, and yet I was the fust to be hup with
the sunrice. I COODNT sleep that night. By abowt six o’clock in the
morning I was drest in my full uniform; and I didnt know how to pass the
interveaning hours.

“‘My Granmother hasnt seen me in full phigg,’ says I. ‘It will rejoice
that pore old sole to behold one of her race so suxesfle in life. Has I
ave read in the novle of “Kennleworth,” that the Herl goes down in Cort
dress and extoneshes Hamy Robsart, I will go down in all my splender and
astownd my old washywoman of a Granmother.’ To make this detummination;
to horder my Broom; to knock down Frederick the groomb for delaying to
bring it; was with me the wuck of a momint. The next sor as galliant a
cavyleer as hever rode in a cabb, skowering the road to Healing.

“I arrived at the well-known cottitch. My huncle was habsent with the
cart; but the dor of the humble eboad stood hopen, and I passed through
the little garding where the close was hanging out to dry. My snowy
ploom was ableeged to bend under the lowly porch, as I hentered the

“There was a smell of tea there--there’s always a smell of tea
there--the old lady was at her Bohee as usual. I advanced tords her; but
ha! phansy my extonishment when I sor Mary Hann!

“I halmost faintid with himotion. ‘Ho, Jeames!’ (she has said to me
subsquintly) ‘mortial mann never looked so bewtifle as you did when you
arrived on the day of the Levy. You were no longer mortial, you were

“R! what little Justas the hartist has done to my mannly etractions in
the groce carriketure he’s made of me.” *

     * This refers to an illustrated edition of the work.


“Nothing, perhaps, ever created so great a sensashun as my hentrance to
St. Jeames’s, on the day of the Levy. The Tuckish Hambasdor himself was
not so much remarked as my shuperb turn out.

“As a Millentary man, and a North Diddlesex Huzza, I was resolved
to come to the ground on HOSSBACK. I had Desparation phigd out as a
charger, and got 4 Melentery dresses from Ollywell Street, in which
I drest my 2 men (Fitzwarren, hout of livry, woodnt stand it,) and
2 fellers from Rimles, where my hosses stand at livry. I rode up St.
Jeames’s Street, with my 4 Hadycongs--the people huzzaying--the gals
waving their hankerchers, as if I were a Foring Prins--hall the winders
crowdid to see me pass.

“The guard must have taken me for a Hempror at least, when I came, for
the drums beat, and the guard turned out and seluted me with presented

“What a momink of triumth it was! I sprung myjestickly from Desperation.
I gav the rains to one of my horderlies, and, salewting the crowd, I
past into the presnts of my Most Gracious Mrs.

“You, peraps, may igspect that I should narrait at lenth the
suckmstanzas of my hawjince with the British Crown. But I am not one
who would gratafy IMPUTTNINT CURAIOSATY. Rispect for our reckonized
instatewtions is my fust quallaty. I, for one, will dye rallying round
my Thrown.

“Suffise it to say, when I stood in the Horgust Presnts,--when I sor on
the right & of my Himperial Sovring that Most Gracious Prins, to admire
womb has been the chief Objick of my life, my busum was seased with an
imotium which my Penn rifewses to dixcribe--my trembling knees halmost
rifused their hoffis--I reckleck nothing mor until I was found phainting
in the harms of the Lord Chamberling. Sir Robert Peal apnd to be
standing by (I knew our wuthy Primmier by Punch’s picturs of him,
igspecially his ligs), and he was conwussing with a man of womb I shall
say nothink, but that he is a hero of 100 fites, AND HEVERY FITE HE FIT
HE ONE. Nead I say that I elude to Harthur of Wellingting? I introjuiced
myself to these Jents, and intend to improve the equaintance, and peraps
ast Guvmint for a Barnetcy.

“But there was ANOTHER pusn womb on this droring-room I fust had the
inagspressable dalite to beold. This was that Star of fashing, that
Sinecure of neighboring i’s, as Milting observes, the ecomplisht Lady
Hangelina Thistlewood, daughter of my exlent frend, John George Godfrey
de Bullion Thistlewood, Earl of Bareacres, Baron Southdown, in the
Peeridge of the United Kingdom, Baron Haggismore, in Scotland, K.T.,
Lord Leftnant of the County of Diddlesex, &c. &c. This young lady was
with her Noble Ma, when I was kinducted tords her. And surely never
lighted on this hearth a more delightfle vishn. In that gallixy of Bewty
the Lady Hangelina was the fairest Star--in that reath of Loveliness
the sweetest Rosebud! Pore Mary Hann, my Art’s young affeckshns had been
senterd on thee; but like water through a sivv, her immidge disappeared
in a momink, and left me intransd in the presnts of Hangelina.

“Lady Bareacres made me a myjestick bow--a grand and hawfle pusnage
her Ladyship is, with a Roming Nose, and an enawmus ploom of Hostridge
phethers; the fare Hangelina smiled with a sweetness perfickly
bewhildring, and said, ‘O, Mr. De la Pluche, I’m so delighted to make
your acquaintance. I have often heard of you.’

“‘Who,’ says I, ‘has mentioned my insiggnificknt igsistance to the fair
Lady Hangelina? kel bonure igstrame poor mwaw!’ (For you see I’ve not
studdied ‘Pelham’ for nothink, and have lunt a few French phraces,
without which no Gent of fashn speaks now.)

“‘O,’ replies my lady, ‘it was Papa first; and then a very, VERY old
friend of yours.’

“‘Whose name is,’ says I, pusht on by my stoopid curawsaty--

“‘Hoggins--Mary Ann Hoggins’--ansurred my lady (laffing phit to splitt
her little sides). ‘She is my maid, Mr. De la Pluche, and I’m afraid you
are a very sad, sad person.’

“‘A mere baggytell,’ says I. ‘In fommer days I WAS equainted with that
young woman; but haltered suckmstancies have sepparated us for hever,
and mong cure is irratreevably perdew elsewhere.’

“‘Do tell me all about it. Who is it? When was it? We are all dying to

“‘Since about two minnits, and the Ladys name begins with a HA,’ says I,
looking her tendarly in the face, and conjring up hall the fassanations
of my smile.

“‘Mr. De la Pluche,’ here said a gentleman in whiskers and mistashes
standing by, ‘hadn’t you better take your spurs out of the Countess of
Bareacres’ train?’--‘Never mind Mamma’s train’ (said Lady Hangelina):
‘this is the great Mr. De la Pluche, who is to make all our
fortunes--yours too. Mr. de la Pluche, let me present you to Captain
George Silvertop,’--The Capting bent just one jint of his back very
slitely; I retund his stare with equill hottiness. ‘Go and see for Lady
Bareacres’ carridge, George,’ says his Lordship; and vispers to me, ‘a
cousin of ours--a poor relation.’ So I took no notis of the feller when
he came back, nor in my subsquint visits to Hill Street, where it seems
a knife and fork was laid reglar for this shabby Capting.”

“Thusday Night.--O Hangelina, Hangelina, my pashn for you hogments
daily! I’ve bean with her two the Hopra. I sent her a bewtifle Camellia
Jyponiky from Covn Garding, with a request she would wear it in
her raving Air. I woar another in my butnole. Evns, what was my
sattusfackshn as I leant hover her chair, and igsammined the house with
my glas!

“She was as sulky and silent as pawsble, however--would scarcely speek;
although I kijoled her with a thowsnd little plesntries. I spose it
was because that wulgar raskle Silvertop WOOD stay in the box. As if he
didn’t know (Lady B.’s as deaf as a poast and counts for nothink) that
people SOMETIMES like a tatytaty.”

“Friday.--I was sleeples all night. I gave went to my feelings in the
folloring lines--there’s a hair out of Balfe’s Hopera that she’s fond
of. I edapted them to that mellady.

“She was in the droring-room alone with Lady B. She was wobbling at the
pyanna as I hentered. I flung the convasation upon mewsick; said I
sung myself (I’ve ad lesns lately of Signor Twankydillo); and, on her
rekwesting me to faver her with somethink, I bust out with my pom:


          “‘When moonlike ore the hazure seas
             In soft effulgence swells,
            When silver jews and balmy breaze
             Bend down the Lily’s bells;
            When calm and deap, the rosy sleap
             Has lapt your soal in dreems,
            R Hangeline!  R lady mine!
             Dost thou remember Jeames?

          “‘I mark thee in the Marble All,
             Where Englands loveliest shine--
            I say the fairest of them hall
             Is Lady Hangeline.
            My soul, in desolate eclipse,
             With recollection teems--
            And then I hask, with weeping lips
             Dost thou remember Jeames?

          “‘Away! I may not tell thee hall
             This soughring heart endures--
            There is a lonely sperrit-call
             That Sorrow never cures;
            There is a little, little Star,
             That still above me beams;
            It is the Star of Hope--but ar!
             Dost thou remember Jeames?’

“When I came to the last words, ‘Dost thou remember Je-e-e-ams?’ I threw
such an igspresshn of unuttrable tenderniss into the shake at the hend,
that Hangelina could bare it no more. A bust of uncumtrollable emotium
seized her. She put her ankercher to her face and left the room. I heard
her laffing and sobbing histerickly in the bedwor.

“O Hangelina--My adord one, My Arts joy!” . . .

“BAREACRES, me, the ladies of the famly, with their sweet Southdown, B’s
eldest son, and George Silvertop, the shabby Capting (who seems to
git leaf from his ridgmint whenhever he likes,) have beene down into
Diddlesex for a few days, enjying the spawts of the feald there.

“Never having done much in the gunning line (since when a hinnasent
boy, me and Jim Cox used to go out at Healing, and shoot sparrers in the
Edges with a pistle)--I was reyther dowtfle as to my suxes as a shot,
and practusd for some days at a stoughd bird in a shooting gallery,
which a chap histed up and down with a string. I sugseaded in itting the
hannimle pretty well. I bought Awker’s ‘Shooting-Guide,’ two double-guns
at Mantings, and salected from the French prints of fashn the most
gawjus and ellygant sportting ebillyment. A lite blue velvet and goold
cap, woar very much on one hear, a cravatt of yaller & green imbroidered
satting, a weskit of the McGrigger plaid, & a jacket of the McWhirter
tartn, (with large, motherapurl butns, engraved with coaches & osses,
and sporting subjix,) high leather gayters, and marocky shooting shoes,
was the simple hellymence of my costewm, and I flatter myself set hoff
my figger in rayther a fayverable way. I took down none of my own pusnal
istablishmint except Fitzwarren, my hone mann, and my grooms, with
Desparation and my curricle osses, and the Fourgong containing my
dressing-case and close.

“I was heverywhere introjuiced in the county as the great Railroad
Cappitlist, who was to make Diddlesex the most prawsperous districk of
the hempire. The squires prest forrards to welcome the new comer amongst
‘em; and we had a Hagricultural Meating of the Bareacres tenantry, where
I made a speech droring tears from heavery i. It was in compliment to a
layborer who had brought up sixteen children, and lived sixty years
on the istate on seven bobb a week. I am not prowd, though I know my
station. I shook hands with that mann in lavinder kidd gloves. I told
him that the purshuit of hagriculture wos the noblist hockupations of
humannaty: I spoke of the yoming of Hengland, who (under the command of
my hancisters) had conquered at Hadjincourt & Cressy; and I gave him a
pair of new velveteen inagspressables, with two and six in each pocket,
as a reward for three score years of labor. Fitzwarren, my man, brought
them forrards on a satting cushing. Has I sat down defning chears
selewted the horator; the band struck up ‘The Good Old English
Gentleman.’ I looked to the ladies galry; my Hangelina waived her
ankasher and kissd her &; and I sor in the distans that pore Mary Hann
efected evidently to tears by my ellaquints.”

“What an adwance that gal has made since she’s been in Lady Hangelina’s
company! Sins she wears her young lady’s igsploded gownds and retired
caps and ribbings, there’s an ellygance abowt her which is puffickly
admarable; and which, haddid to her own natral bewty & sweetniss,
creates in my boozum serting sensatiums . . . Shor! I MUSTN’T give way
to fealinx unwuthy of a member of the aristoxy. What can she be to me
but a mear recklection--a vishn of former ears?

“I’m blest if I didn mistake her for Hangelina herself yesterday. I
met her in the grand Collydore of Bareacres Castle. I sor a lady in a
melumcolly hattatude gacing outawinder at the setting sun, which was
eluminating the fair parx and gardings of the ancient demean.

“‘Bewchus Lady Hangelina,’ says I--‘A penny for your Ladyship’s
thought,’ says I.

“‘Ho, Jeames! Ho, Mr. De la Pluche!’ hansered a well-known vice, with
a haxnt of sadnis which went to my art. ‘YOU know what my thoughts are,
well enough. I was thinking of happy, happy old times, when both of us
were poo--poo--oor,’ says Mary Hann, busting out in a phit of crying, a
thing I can’t ebide. I took her and tried to cumft her: I pinted out
the diffrents of our sitawashns; igsplained to her that proppaty has
its jewties as well as its previletches, and that MY juty clearly was to
marry into a noble famly. I kep on talking to her (she sobbing and going
hon hall the time) till Lady Hangelina herself came up--‘The real Siming
Pewer,’ as they say in the play.

“There they stood together--them two young women. I don’t know which is
the ansamest. I coodn help comparing them; and I coodnt help comparing
myself to a certing Hannimle I’ve read of, that found it difficklt to
make a choice betwigst 2 Bundles of A.”

“That ungrateful beest Fitzwarren--my oan man--a feller I’ve maid
a fortune for--a feller I give 100 lb. per hannum to!--a low bred
Wallydyshamber! HE must be thinking of falling in love too! and treating
me to his imperence.

“He’s a great big athlatic feller--six foot i, with a pair of black
whiskers like air-brushes--with a look of a Colonel in the harmy--a
dangerous pawmpus-spoken raskle I warrunt you. I was coming ome
from shuiting this hafternoon--and passing through Lady Hangelina’s
flour-garding, who should I see in the summerouse, but Mary Hann
pretending to em an ankyshr and Mr. Fitzwarren paying his cort to her?

“‘You may as well have me, Mary Hann,’ says he. ‘I’ve saved money. We’ll
take a public-house and I’ll make a lady of you. I’m not a purse-proud
ungrateful fellow like Jeames--who’s such a snob [‘such a SNOB’ was his
very words!) that I’m ashamed to wait on him--who’s the laughing stock
of all the gentry and the housekeeper’s room too--try a MAN,’ says
he--‘don’t be taking on about such a humbug as Jeames.’

“Here young Joe the keaper’s sun, who was carrying my bagg, bust out a
laffing thereby causing Mr. Fitwarren to turn round and intarupt this
polite convasation.

“I was in such a rayge. ‘Quit the building, Mary Hann,’ says I to the
young woman--and you, Mr. Fitzwarren, have the goodness to remain.’

“‘I give you warning,’ roars he, looking black, blue, yaller--all the
colors of the ranebo.

“‘Take off your coat, you imperent, hungrateful scoundrl,’ says I.

“‘It’s not your livery,’ says he.

“‘Peraps you’ll understand me, when I take off my own,’ says I,
unbuttoning the motherapurls of the MacWhirter tartn. ‘Take my jackit,
Joe,’ says I to the boy,--and put myself in a hattitude about which
there was NO MISTAYK.


“He’s 2 stone heavier than me--and knows the use of his ands as well
as most men; but in a fite, BLOOD’S EVERYTHINK: the Snobb can’t stand
before the gentleman; and I should have killed him, I’ve little doubt,
but they came and stopt the fite betwigst us before we’d had more than 2

“I punisht the raskle tremenjusly in that time, though; and I’m writing
this in my own sittn-room, not being able to come down to dinner on
account of a black-eye I’ve got, which is sweld up and disfiggrs me

“On account of the hoffle black i which I reseaved in my rangcounter
with the hinfimus Fitzwarren, I kep my roomb for sevral days, with
the rose-colored curtings of the apartmint closed, so as to form
an agreeable twilike; and a light-bloo sattin shayd over the injard
pheacher. My woons was thus made to become me as much as pawsable; and
(has the Poick well observes ‘Nun but the Brayv desuvs the Fare’)
I cumsoled myself in the sasiaty of the ladies for my tempory

“It was Mary Hann who summind the House and put an end to my
phisticoughs with Fitzwarren. I licked him and bare him no mallis: but
of corse I dismist the imperent scoundrill from my suvvis, apinting
Adolphus, my page, to his post of confidenshle Valley.

“Mary Hann and her young and lovely Mrs. kep paying me continyoul visits
during my retiremint. Lady Hangelina was halways sending me messidges by
her: while my exlent friend, Lady Bareacres (on the contry) was always
sending me toakns of affeckshn by Hangelina. Now it was a coolin
hi-lotium, inwented by herself, that her Ladyship would perscribe--then,
agin, it would be a booky of flowers (my favrit polly hanthuses,
pellagoniums, and jyponikys), which none but the fair &s of Hangelina
could dispose about the chamber of the hinvyleed. Ho! those dear
mothers! when they wish to find a chans for a galliant young feller, or
to ixtablish their dear gals in life, what awpertunities they WILL give
a man! You’d have phansied I was so hill (on account of my black hi),
that I couldnt live exsep upon chicking and spoon-meat, and jellies,
and blemonges, and that I coudnt eat the latter dellixies (which I
ebomminate onternoo, prefurring a cut of beaf or muttn to hall the
kickpshaws of France), unless Hangelina brought them. I et ‘em, and
sacrafised myself for her dear sayk.

“I may stayt here that in privit convasations with old Lord B. and his
son, I had mayd my proposals for Hangelina, and was axepted, and hoped
soon to be made the appiest gent in Hengland.

“‘You must break the matter gently to her,’ said her hexlent father.
‘You have my warmest wishes, my dear Mr. De la Pluche, and those of my
Lady Bareacres; but I am not--not quite certain about Lady Angelina’s
feelings. Girls are wild and romantic. They do not see the necessity of
prudent establishments, and I have never yet been able to make Angelina
understand the embarrassments of her family. These silly creatures prate
about love and a cottage, and despise advantages which wiser heads than
theirs know how to estimate.’

“‘Do you mean that she aint fassanated by me?’ says I, bursting out at
this outrayjus ideer.

“‘She WILL be, my dear sir. You have already pleased her,--your
admirable manners must succeed in captivating her, and a fond father’s
wishes will be crowned on the day in which you enter our family.’

“‘Recklect, gents,’ says I to the 2 lords,--‘a barging’s a barging--I’ll
pay hoff Southdown’s Jews, when I’m his brother. As a STRAYNGER’--(this
I said in a sarcastickle toan)--‘I wouldn’t take such a LIBBATY. When
I’m your suninlor I’ll treble the valyou of your estayt. I’ll make your
incumbrinces as right as a trivit, and restor the ouse of Bareacres to
its herly splender. But a pig in a poak is not the way of transacting
bisniss imployed by Jeames De la Pluche, Esquire.’

“And I had a right to speak in this way. I was one of the greatest
scrip-holders in Hengland; and calclated on a kilossle fortune. All my
shares was rising immence. Every poast brot me noose that I was sevral
thowsands richer than the day befor. I was detummind not to reerlize
till the proper time, and then to buy istates; to found a new family of
Delapluches, and to alie myself with the aristoxy of my country.

“These pints I reprasented to pore Mary Hann hover and hover agin. ‘If
you’d been Lady Hangelina, my dear gal,’ says I, ‘I would have married
you: and why don’t I? Because my dooty prewents me. I’m a marter to
dooty; and you, my pore gal, must cumsole yorself with that ideer.’

“There seemed to be a consperracy, too, between that Silvertop and Lady
Hangelina to drive me to the same pint. ‘What a plucky fellow you were,
Pluche,’ says he (he was rayther more familiar than I liked), ‘in
your fight with Fitzwarren--to engage a man of twice your strength
and science, though you were sure to be beaten’ (this is an etroashous
folsood: I should have finnisht Fitz in 10 minnits), ‘for the sake of
poor Mary Hann! That’s a generous fellow. I like to see a man risen to
eminence like you, having his heart in the right place. When is to be
the marriage, my boy?’

“‘Capting S.’ says I, ‘my marridge consunns your most umble servnt a
precious sight more than you;’--and I gev him to understand I didn’t
want him to put in HIS ore--I wasn’t afrayd of his whiskers, I prommis
you, Capting as he was. I’m a British Lion, I am as brayv as Bonypert,
Hannible, or Holiver Crummle, and would face bagnits as well as any Evy
drigoon of ‘em all.

“Lady Hangelina, too, igspawstulated in her hartfl way. ‘Mr. De la
Pluche (seshee), why, why press this point? You can’t suppose that you
will be happy with a person like me?’

“‘I adoar you, charming gal!’ says I. ‘Never, never go to say any such

“‘You adored Mary Ann first,’ answers her ladyship; ‘you can’t keep your
eyes off her now. If any man courts her you grow so jealous that you
begin beating him. You will break the girl’s heart if you don’t marry
her, and perhaps some one else’s--but you don’t mind THAT.’

“‘Break yours, you adoarible creature! I’d die first! And as for Mary
Hann, she will git over it; people’s arts aint broakn so easy. Once for
all, suckmstances is changed betwigst me and er. It’s a pang to part
with her’ (says I, my fine hi’s filling with tears), ‘but part from her
I must.’

“It was curius to remark abowt that singlar gal, Lady Hangelina, that
melumcolly as she was when she was talking to me, and ever so disml--yet
she kep on laffing every minute like the juice and all.

“‘What a sacrifice!’ says she; ‘it’s like Napoleon giving up Josephine.
What anguish it must cause to your susceptible heart!’

“‘It does,’ says I--‘Hagnies!’ (Another laff.)

“‘And if--if I don’t accept you--you will invade the States of the
Emperor, my papa, and I am to be made the sacrifice and the occasion of
peace between you!’

“‘I don’t know what you’re eluding to about Joseyfeen and Hemperors your
Pas; but I know that your Pa’s estate is over hedaneers morgidged; that
if some one don’t elp him, he’s no better than an old pawper; that he
owes me a lot of money; and that I’m the man that can sell him up hoss
& foot; or set him up agen--THAT’S what I know, Lady Hangelina,’ says
I, with a hair as much as to say, ‘Put THAT in your ladyship’s pipe and
smoke it.’

“And so I left her, and nex day a serting fashnable paper enounced--

“‘MARRIAGE IN HIGH LIFE.--We hear that a matrimonial union is on the
tapis between a gentleman who has made a colossal fortune in the Railway
World, and the only daughter of a noble earl, whose estates are situated
in D-ddles-x. An early day is fixed for this interesting event.’”

“Contry to my expigtations (but when or ow can we reckn upon the fealinx
of wimming?) Mary Hann didn’t seem to be much efected by the hideer of
my marridge with Hangelinar. I was rayther disapinted peraps that the
fickle young gal reckumsiled herself so easy to give me hup, for we
Gents are creechers of vannaty after all, as well as those of the hopsit
secks; and betwigst you and me there WAS mominx, when I almost wisht
that I’d been borne a Myommidn or Turk, when the Lor would have
permitted me to marry both these sweet beinx, wherehas I was now condemd
to be appy with ony one.

“Meanwild everythink went on very agreeable betwigst me and my defianced
bride. When we came back to town I kemishnd Mr. Showery the great
Hoctionear to look out for a town maushing sootable for a gent of my
qualaty. I got from the Erald Hoffis (not the Mawning Erald--no, no, I’m
not such a Mough as to go THERE for ackrit infamation) an account of my
famly, my harms and pedigry.

“I hordered in Long Hacre, three splendid equipidges, on which my arms
and my adord wife’s was drawn & quartered; and I got portricks of me and
her paynted by the sellabrated Mr. Shalloon, being resolved to be the
gentleman in all things, and knowing that my character as a man of fashn
wasn’t compleat unless I sat to that dixtinguished Hartist. My likenis
I presented to Hangelina. It’s not considered flattring--and though SHE
parted with it, as you will hear, mighty willingly, there’s ONE young
lady (a thousand times handsomer) that values it as the happle of her

“Would any man beleave that this picture was soald at my sale for about
a twenty-fifth part of what it cost me? It was bought in by Maryhann,
though: ‘O dear Jeames,’ says she, often (kissing of it & pressing it to
her art), ‘it isn’t ansum enough for you, and hasn’t got your angellick
smile and the igspreshn of your dear dear i’s.’

“Hangelina’s pictur was kindly presented to me by Countess B., her
mamma, though of coarse I paid for it. It was engraved for the ‘Book of
Bewty’ the same year.

“With such a perfusion of ringlits I should scarcely have known her--but
the ands, feat, and i’s, was very like. She was painted in a gitar
supposed to be singing one of my little melladies; and her brother
Southdown, who is one of the New England poits, wrote the follering
stanzys about her:--



     “The castle towers of Bareacres are fair upon the lea,
     Where the cliffs of bonny Diddlesex rise up from out the sea:
     I stood upon the donjon keep and view’d the country o’er,
     I saw the lands of Bareacres for fifty miles or more.
     I stood upon the donjon keep--it is a sacred place,--Where
          floated for eight hundred years the banner of my race;
     Argent, a dexter sinople, and gules an azure field,
     There ne’er was nobler cognizance on knightly warrior’s shield.

     “The first time England saw the shield ‘twas round a Norman neck,
     On board a ship from Valery, King William was on deck.
     A Norman lance the colors wore, in Hastings’ fatal fray--St.
          Willibald for Bareacres! ‘twas double gules that day!
     O Heaven and sweet St. Willibald! in many a battle since
     A loyal-hearted Bareacres has ridden by his Prince!
     At Acre with Plantagenet, with Edward at Poitiers,
     The pennon of the Bareacres was foremost on the spears!

     “‘Twas pleasant in the battle-shock to hear our war-cry ringing:
     O grant me, sweet St. Willibald, to listen to such singing!
     Three hundred steel-clad gentlemen, we drove the foe before us,
     And thirty score of British bows kept twanging to the chorus!
     O knights, my noble ancestors! and shall I never hear
     Saint Willibald for Bareacres through battle ringing clear?
     I’d cut me off this strong right hand a single hour to ride,
     And strike a blow for Bareacres, my fathers, at your side!

     “Dash down, dash down, yon Mandolin, beloved sister mine!
     Those blushing lips may never sing the glories of our line:
     Our ancient castles echo to the clumsy feet of churls,
     The spinning Jenny houses in the mansion of our Earls.
     Sing not, sing not, my Angeline! in days so base and vile,
     ‘Twere sinful to be happy, ‘twere sacrilege to smile.
     I’ll hie me to my lonely hall, and by its cheerless hob
     I’ll muse on other days, and wish--and wish I were.--A SNOB.”

“All young Hengland, I’m told, considers the poim bewtifle. They’re
always writing about battleaxis and shivvlery, these young chaps; but
the ideer of Southdown in a shoot of armer, and his cuttin hoff his
‘strong right hand,’ is rayther too good; the feller is about 5 fit
hi,--as ricketty as a babby, with a vaist like a gal; and though he
may have the art and curridge of a Bengal tyger, I’d back my smallest
cab-boy to lick him,--that is, if I AD a cab-boy. But io! MY cab-days is

“Be still my hagnizing Art! I now am about to hunfoald the dark payges
of the Istry of my life!”

“My friends! you’ve seen me ither2 in the full kerear of Fortn,
prawsprus but not hover prowd of my prawsperraty; not dizzy though
mounted on the haypix of Good Luck--feasting hall the great (like the
Good Old Henglish Gent in the song, which he has been my moddle and
igsample through life), but not forgitting the small--No, my beayvior to
my granmother at Healing shows that. I bot her a new donkey cart (what
the French call a cart-blansh) and a handsome set of peggs for anging up
her linning, and treated Huncle Bill to a new shoot of close, which he
ordered in St. Jeames’s Street, much to the estonishment of my Snyder
there, namely an olliffgreen velvyteen jackit and smalclose, and a
crimsn plush weskoat with glas-buttns. These pints of genarawsaty in
my disposishn I never should have eluded to, but to show that I am
naturally of a noble sort, and have that kind of galliant carridge which
is equel to either good or bad forting.

“What was the substns of my last chapter? In that everythink was
prepayred for my marridge--the consent of the parents of my Hangelina
was gaynd, the lovely gal herself was ready (as I thought) to be led to
Himing’s halter--the trooso was hordered--the wedding dressis were being
phitted hon--a weddinkake weighing half a tunn was a gettn reddy by
Mesurs Gunter of Buckley Square; there was such an account for Shantilly
and Honiton laces as would have staggerd hennyboddy (I know they did the
Commissioner when I came hup for my Stiffikit), and has for Injar-shawls
I bawt a dozen sich fine ones as never was given away--no not by Hiss
Iness the Injan Prins Juggernaut Tygore. The juils (a pearl and dimind
shoot) were from the establishmint of Mysurs Storr and Mortimer. The
honey-moon I intended to pass in a continentle excussion, and was
in treaty for the ouse at Halberd-gate (hopsit Mr. Hudson’s) as my
town-house. I waited to cumclude the putchis untle the Share-Markit
which was rayther deprest (oing I think not so much to the atax of
the misrable Times as to the prodidjus flams of the Morning Erald) was
restored to its elthy toan. I wasn’t goin to part with scrip which was
20 primmium at 2 or 3: and bein confidnt that the Markit would rally,
had bought very largely for the two or three new accounts.

“This will explane to those unfortnight traydsmen to womb I gayv orders
for a large igstent ow it was that I couldn’t pay their accounts. I am
the soal of onour--but no gent can pay when he has no money--it’s not MY
fault if that old screw Lady Bareacres cabbidged three hundred yards
of lace, and kep back 4 of the biggest diminds and seven of the largist
Injar Shawls--it’s not MY fault if the tradespeople didn git their goods
back, and that Lady B. declared they were LOST. I began the world afresh
with the close on my back, and thirteen and six in money, concealing
nothink, giving up heverythink, Onist and undismayed, and though beat,
with pluck in me still, and ready to begin agin.

“Well--it was the day before that apinted for my Unium. The ‘Ringdove’
steamer was lying at Dover ready to carry us hoff. The Bridle apartmince
had been hordered at Salt Hill, and subsquintly at Balong sur Mare--the
very table cloth was laid for the weddn brexfst in Ill Street, and the
Bride’s Right Reverend Huncle, the Lord Bishop of Bullocksmithy, had
arrived to sellabrayt our unium. All the papers were full of it. Crowds
of the fashnable world went to see the trooso, and admire the Carridges
in Long Hacre. Our travleng charrat (light bloo lined with pink satting,
and vermillium and goold weals) was the hadmaration of all for quiet
ellygns. We were to travel only 4, viz. me, my lady, my vally, and Mary
Hann as famdyshamber to my Hangelina. Far from oposing our match, this
worthy gal had quite givn into it of late, and laught and joakt, and
enjoyd our plans for the fewter igseedinkly.

“I’d left my lovely Bride very gay the night before--aving a multachewd
of bisniss on, and Stockbrokers’ and bankers’ accounts to settle:
atsettrey atsettrey. It was layt before I got these in horder: my sleap
was feavrish, as most mens is when they are going to be marrid or to be
hanged. I took my chocklit in bed about one: tride on my wedding close,
and found as ushle that they became me exeedingly.

“One thing distubbed my mind--two weskts had been sent home. A
blush-white satting and gold, and a kinary colored tabbinet imbridered
in silver: which should I wear on the hospicious day? This hadgitated
and perplext me a good deal. I detummined to go down to Hill Street and
cumsult the Lady whose wishis were henceforth to be my HALLINALL; and
wear whichever SHE phixt on.

“There was a great bussel and distubbans in the Hall in Ill Street:
which I etribyouted to the eproaching event. The old porter stared
meost uncommon when I kem in--the footman who was to enounce me laft I
thought--I was going up stairs--

“‘Her ladyship’s not--not at HOME,’ says the man; ‘and my lady’s hill in

“‘Git lunch,’ says I, ‘I’ll wait till Lady Hangelina returns.’

“At this the feller loox at me for a momint with his cheex blown out
like a bladder, and then busts out in a reglar guffau! the porter jined
in it, the impident old raskle: and Thomas says, slapping his and on his
thy, without the least respect--I say, Huffy, old boy! ISN’T this a good

“‘Wadyermean, you infunnle scoundrel,’ says I, ‘hollaring and laffing at

“‘Oh, here’s Miss Mary Hann coming up,’ says Thomas, ‘ask HER’--and
indeed there came my little Mary Hann tripping down the stairs--her &s
in her pockits; and when she saw me, SHE began to blush and look hod &
then to grin too.

“‘In the name of Imperence,’ says I, rushing on Thomas, and collaring
him fit to throttle him--‘no raskle of a flunky shall insult ME,’ and
I sent him staggerin up aginst the porter, and both of ‘em into the
hall-chair with a flopp--when Mary Hann, jumping down, says, ‘O James! O
Mr. Plush! read this’--and she pulled out a billy doo.

“I reckanized the and-writing of Hangelina.”

“Deseatful Hangelina’s billy ran as follows:--

“‘I had all along hoped that you would have relinquished pretensions
which you must have seen were so disagreeable to me; and have spared me
the painful necessity of the step which I am compelled to take. For
a long time I could not believe my parents were serious in wishing to
sacrifice me, but have in vain entreated them to spare me. I cannot
undergo the shame and misery of a union with you. To the very last
hour I remonstrated in vain, and only now anticipate by a few hours, my
departure from a home from which they themselves were about to expel me.

“‘When you receive this, I shall be united to the person to whom, as you
are aware, my heart was given long ago. My parents are already informed
of the step I have taken. And I have my own honor to consult, even
before their benefit: they will forgive me, I hope and feel, before

“‘As for yourself, may I not hope that time will calm your exquisite
feelings too? I leave Mary Ann behind me to console you. She admires you
as you deserve to be admired, and with a constancy which I entreat you
to try and imitate. Do, my dear Mr. Plush, try--for the sake of your
sincere friend and admirer, A.

“‘P.S. I leave the wedding-dresses behind for her: the diamonds are
beautiful, and will become Mrs. Plush admirably.’

“This was hall!--Confewshn! And there stood the footmen sniggerin, and
that hojus Mary Hann half a cryin, half a laffing at me! ‘Who has
she gone hoff with?’ rors I; and Mary Hann (smiling with one hi) just
touched the top of one of the Johns’ canes who was goin out with the
noats to put hoff the brekfst. It was Silvertop then!

“I bust out of the house in a stayt of diamoniacal igsitement!

“The stoary of that ilorpmint I have no art to tell. Here it is from the
Morning Tatler newspaper:--



“The neighborhood of Berkeley Square, and the whole fashionable world,
has been thrown into a state of the most painful excitement by an event
which has just placed a noble family in great perplexity and affliction.

“It has long been known among the select nobility and gentry that a
marriage was on the tapis between the only daughter of a Noble Earl,
and a Gentleman whose rapid fortunes in the railway world have been
the theme of general remark. Yesterday’s paper, it was supposed, in all
human probability would have contained an account of the marriage of
James De la Pl-che, Esq., and the Lady Angelina ----, daughter of
the Right honorable the Earl of B-re-cres. The preparations for this
ceremony were complete: we had the pleasure of inspecting the rich
trousseau (prepared by Miss Twiddler, of Pall Mall); the magnificent
jewels from the establishment of Messrs. Storr and Mortimer; the elegant
marriage cake, which, already cut up and portioned, is, alas! not
destined to be eaten by the friends of Mr. De la Pl-che; the superb
carriages, and magnificent liveries, which had been provided in a style
of the most lavish yet tasteful sumptuosity. The Right Reverend the Lord
Bishop of Bullocksmithy had arrived in town to celebrate the nuptials,
and is staying at Mivart’s. What must have been the feelings of that
venerable prelate, what those of the agonized and noble parents of
the Lady Angelina--when it was discovered, on the day previous to
the wedding, that her Ladyship had fled the paternal mansion! To the
venerable Bishop the news of his noble niece’s departure might have been
fatal: we have it from the waiters of Mivart’s that his Lordship was
about to indulge in the refreshment of turtle soup when the news was
brought to him; immediate apoplexy was apprehended; but Mr. Macann,
the celebrated surgeon of Westminster, was luckily passing through Bond
Street at the time, and being promptly called in, bled and relieved
the exemplary patient. His Lordship will return to the Palace,
Bullocksmithy, tomorrow.

“The frantic agonies of the Right Honorable the Earl of Bareacres can
be imagined by every paternal heart. Far be it from us to
disturb--impossible is it for us to describe their noble sorrow. Our
reporters have made inquiries every ten minutes at the Earl’s mansion in
Hill Street, regarding the health of the Noble Peer and his incomparable
Countess. They have been received with a rudeness which we deplore but
pardon. One was threatened with a cane; another, in the pursuit of his
official inquiries, was saluted with a pail of water; a third gentleman
was menaced in a pugilistic manner by his Lordship’s porter; but being
of an Irish nation, a man of spirit and sinew, and Master of Arts of
Trinity College, Dublin, the gentleman of our establishment confronted
the menial, and having severely beaten him, retired to a neighboring
hotel much frequented by the domestics of the surrounding nobility, and
there obtained what we believe to be the most accurate particulars of
this extraordinary occurrence.

“George Frederick Jennings, third footman in the establishment of Lord
Bareacres, stated to our employe as follows:--Lady Angelina had been
promised to Mr. De la Pluche for near six weeks. She never could abide
that gentleman. He was the laughter of all the servants’ hall. Previous
to his elevation he had himself been engaged in a domestic capacity. At
that period he had offered marriage to Mary Ann Hoggins, who was living
in the quality of ladies’-maid in the family where Mr. De la P.
was employed. Miss Hoggins became subsequently lady’s-maid to Lady
Angelina--the elopement was arranged between those two. It was Miss
Hoggins who delivered the note which informed the bereaved Mr. Plush of
his loss.

“Samuel Buttons, page to the Right honorable the Earl of Bareacres, was
ordered on Friday afternoon at eleven o’clock to fetch a cabriolet from
the stand in Davies Street. He selected the cab No. 19,796, driven
by George Gregory Macarty, a one-eyed man from Clonakilty, in the
neighborhood of Cork, Ireland (of whom more anon), and waited, according
to his instructions, at the corner of Berkeley Square with his vehicle.
His young lady, accompanied by her maid, Miss Mary Ann Hoggins, carrying
a band-box, presently arrived, and entered the cab with the box: what
were the contents of that box we have never been able to ascertain.
On asking her Ladyship whether he should order the cab to drive in any
particular direction, he was told to drive to Madame Crinoline’s, the
eminent milliner in Cavendish Square. On requesting to know whether he
should accompany her Ladyship, Buttons was peremptorily ordered by Miss
Hoggins to go about his business.

“Having now his clue, our reporter instantly went in search of cab
19,796, or rather the driver of that vehicle, who was discovered with no
small difficulty at his residence, Whetstone Park, Lincoln’s Inn Fields,
where he lives with his family of nine children. Having received two
sovereigns, instead doubtless of two shillings (his regular fare, by the
way, would have been only one-and-eightpence), Macarty had not gone out
with the cab for the two last days, passing them in a state of almost
ceaseless intoxication. His replies were very incoherent in answer to
the queries of our reporter; and, had not that gentleman himself been a
compatriot, it is probable he would have refused altogether to satisfy
the curiosity of the public.

“At Madame Crinoline’s, Miss Hoggins quitted the carriage, and A
GENTLEMAN entered it. Macarty describes him as a very CLEVER gentleman
(meaning tall) with black moustaches, Oxford-gray trousers, and black
hat and a pea-coat. He drove the couple TO THE EUSTON SQUARE STATION,
and there left them. How he employed his time subsequently we have

“At the Euston Square Station, the gentleman of our establishment
learned from Frederick Corduroy, a porter there, that a gentleman
answering the above description had taken places to Derby. We have
despatched a confidential gentleman thither, by a special train, and
shall give his report in a second edition.


“(From our Reporter.)


“I am just arrived at this ancient town, at the ‘Elephant and Cucumber
Hotel.’ A party travelling under the name of MR. AND MRS. JONES, the
gentleman wearing moustaches, and having with them a blue band-box,
arrived by the train two hours before me, and have posted onwards to
SCOTLAND. I have ordered four horses, and write this on the hind boot,
as they are putting to.


“GRETNA GREEN, Monday Evening.

“The mystery is at length solved. This afternoon, at four o’clock, the
Hymeneal Blacksmith, of Gretna Green, celebrated the marriage between
George Granby Silvertop, Esq., a Lieutenant in the 150th Hussars, third
son of General John Silvertop, of Silvertop Hall, Yorkshire, and Lady
Emily Silvertop, daughter of the late sister of the present Earl of
Bareacres, and the Lady Angelina Amelia Arethusa Anaconda Alexandrina
Alicompania Annemaria Antoinetta, daughter of the last-named Earl

(Here follows a long extract from the Marriage Service in the Book
of Common Prayer, which was not read on the occasion, and need not be
repeated here.)

“After the ceremony, the young couple partook of a slight refreshment
of sherry and water--the former the Captain pronounced to be execrable;
and, having myself tasted some glasses from the VERY SAME BOTTLE with
which the young and noble pair were served, I must say I think the
Captain was rather hard upon mine host of the ‘Bagpipes Hotel and
Posting-House,’ whence they instantly proceeded. I follow them as soon
as the horses have fed.



“WHISTLEBINKIE, N. B. Monday, Midnight.

“I arrived at this romantic little villa about two hours after the
newly married couple, whose progress I have the honor to trace, reached
Whistlebinkie. They have taken up their residence at the ‘Cairngorm
Arms’--mine is at the other hostelry, the ‘Clachan of Whistlebinkie.’

“On driving up to the ‘Cairngorm Arms,’ I found a gentleman of military
appearance standing at the doer, and occupied seemingly in smoking
a cigar. It was very dark as I descended from my carriage, and the
gentleman in question exclaimed, ‘Is it you, Southdown my boy? You have
come too late; unless you are come to have some supper;’ or words to
that effect. I explained that I was not the Lord Viscount Southdown,
and politely apprised Captain Silvertop (for I justly concluded the
individual before me could be no other) of his mistake.

“‘Who the deuce’ (the Captain used a stronger term) ‘are you, then?’
said Mr. Silvertop. ‘Are you Baggs and Tapewell, my uncle’s attorneys?
If you are, you have come too late for the fair.’

“I briefly explained that I was not Baggs and Tapewell, but that my name
was J--ms, and that I was a gentleman connected with the establishment
of the Morning Tatler newspaper.

“‘And what has brought you here, Mr. Morning Tatler?’ asked
my interlocutor, rather roughly. My answer was frank--that the
disappearance of a noble lady from the house of her friends had caused
the greatest excitement in the metropolis, and that my employers were
anxious to give the public every particular regarding an event so

“‘And do you mean to say, sir, that you have dogged me all the way from
London, and that my family affairs are to be published for the readers
of the Morning Tatler newspaper? The Morning Tatter be ----(the Captain
here gave utterance to an oath which I shall not repeat) and you too,
sir; you unpudent meddling scoundrel.’

“‘Scoundrel, sir!’ said I. ‘Yes,’ replied the irate gentleman, seizing
me rudely by the collar--and he would have choked me, but that my blue
satin stock and false collar gave way, and were left in the hands of
this GENTLEMAN. ‘Help, landlord!’ I loudly exclaimed, adding, I believe,
‘murder,’ and other exclamations of alarm. In vain I appealed to
the crowd, which by this time was pretty considerable; they and the
unfeeling post-boys only burst into laughter, and called out, ‘Give it
him, Captain.’ A struggle ensued, in which I have no doubt I should have
had the better, but that the Captain, joining suddenly in the general
and indecent hilarity, which was doubled when I fell down, stopped and
said, ‘Well, Jims, I won’t fight on my marriage-day. Go into the tap,
Jims, and order a glass of brandy-and-water at my expense--and mind I
don’t see your face to-morrow morning, or I’ll make it more ugly than it

“With these gross expressions and a cheer from the crowd, Mr.
Silvertop entered the inn. I need not say that I did not partake of
his hospitality, and that personally I despise his insults. I make them
known that they may call down the indignation of the body of which I am
a member, and throw myself on the sympathy of the public, as a gentleman
shamefully assaulted and insulted in the discharge of a public duty.”

“Thus you’ve sean how the flower of my affeckshns was tawn out of my
busm, and my art was left bleading. Hangelina! I forgive thee. Mace thou
be appy! If ever artfelt prayer for others wheel awailed on i, the beink
on womb you trampled addresses those subblygations to Evn in your be1/2!

“I went home like a maniack, after hearing the announcement of
Hangelina’s departur. She’d been gone twenty hours when I heard the
fatle noose. Purshoot was vain. Suppose I DID kitch her up, they were
married, and what could we do? This sensable remark I made to Earl
Bareacres, when that distragted nobleman igspawstulated with me. Er
who was to have been my mother-in-lor, the Countiss, I never from that
momink sor agin. My presnts, troosoes, juels, &c., were sent back--with
the igsepshn of the diminds and Cashmear shawl, which her Ladyship
COODN’T FIND. Ony it was whispered that at the nex buthday she was seen
with a shawl IGSACKLY OF THE SAME PATTN. Let er keep it.

“Southdown was phurius. He came to me hafter the ewent, and wanted me
adwance 50 lb., so that he might purshew his fewgitif sister--but I
wasn’t to be ad with that sort of chaugh--there was no more money for
THAT famly. So he went away, and gave huttrance to his feelinx in a
poem, which appeared (price 2 guineas) in the Bel Assombly.

“All the juilers, manchumakers, lacemen, coch bilders, apolstrers,
hors dealers, and weddencake makers came pawring in with their bills,
haggravating feelings already woondid beyond enjurants. That madniss
didn’t seaze me that night was a mussy. Fever, fewry, and rayge rack’d
my hagnized braind, and drove sleap from my throbbink ilids. Hall night
I follered Hangelinar in imadganation along the North Road. I wented
cusses & mallydickshuns on the hinfamus Silvertop. I kickd and rord in
my unhuttarable whoe! I seazed my pillar: I pitcht into it: pummld it,
strangled it. Ha har! I thought it was Silvertop writhing in my Jint
grasp; and taw the hordayshis villing lim from lim in the terrible
strenth of my despare! . . . Let me drop a cutting over the memries of
that night. When my boddy-suvnt came with my ot water in the mawning,
the livid copse in the charnill was not payler than the gashly De la

“‘Give me the Share-list, Mandeville,’ I micanickly igsclaimed. I had
not perused it for the past 3 days, my etention being engayged elseware.
Hevns & huth!--what was it I red there? What was it that made me spring
outabed as if sumbady had given me cold pig?--I red Rewin in that
Share-list--the Pannick was in full hoparation!


“Shall I describe that kitastrafy with which hall Hengland is familliar?
My & rifewses to cronnicle the misfortns which lassarated my bleeding
art in Hoctober last. On the fust of Hawgust where was I? Director of
twenty-three Companies; older of scrip hall at a primmium, and worth at
least a quarter of a millium. On Lord Mare’s day my Saint Helenas
quotid at 14 pm, were down at 1/2 discount; my Central Ichaboes at
3/8 discount; my Table Mounting & Hottentot Grand Trunk, no where; my
Bathershins and Derrynane Beg, of which I’d bought 2000 for the account
at 17 primmium, down to nix; my Juan Fernandez, my Great Central
Oregons, prostrit. There was a momint when I thought I shouldn’t be
alive to write my own tail!”

(Here follow in Mr. Plush’s MS. about twenty-four pages of railroad
calculations, which we pretermit.)

“Those beests, Pump & Aldgate, once so cringing and umble, wrote me
a threatnen letter because I overdrew my account three-and-sixpence:
woodn’t advance me five thousand on 25,000 worth of scrip; kep me
waiting 2 hours when I asked to see the house; and then sent out
Spout, the jewnior partner, saying they wouldn’t discount my paper,
and implawed me to clothes my account. I did: I paid the three-and-six
balliance, and never sor ‘em mor.

“The market fell daily. The Rewin grew wusser and wusser. Hagnies,
Hagnies! it wasn’t in the city aloan my misfortns came upon me. They
beerded me in my own ome. The biddle who kips watch at the Halbany wodn
keep misfortn out of my chambers; and Mrs. Twiddler, of Pall Mall, and
Mr. Hunx, of Long Acre, put egsicution into my apartmince, and swep off
every stick of my furniture. ‘Wardrobe & furniture of a man of fashion.’
What an adwertisement George Robins DID make of it; and what a crowd was
collected to laff at the prospick of my ruing! My chice plait; my seller
of wine; my picturs--that of myself included (it was Maryhann, bless
her! that bought it, unbeknown to me); all--all went to the ammer. That
brootle Fitzwarren, my ex-vally, womb I met, fimilliarly slapt me on the
sholder, and said, ‘Jeames, my boy, you’d best go into suvvis aginn.’

“I DID go into suvvis--the wust of all suvvices--I went into the Queen’s
Bench Prison, and lay there a misrabble captif for 6 mortial weeks.
Misrabble shall I say? no, not misrabble altogether; there was sunlike
in the dunjing of the pore prisner. I had visitors. A cart used to drive
hup to the prizn gates of Saturdays; a washywoman’s cart, with a fat old
lady in it, and a young one. Who was that young one? Every one who has
an art can gess, it was my blue-eyed blushing hangel of a Mary Hann!
‘Shall we take him out in the linnen-basket, grandmamma?’ Mary Hann
said. Bless her, she’d already learned to say grandmamma quite natral:
but I didn’t go out that way; I went out by the door a whitewashed man.
Ho, what a feast there was at Healing the day I came out! I’d thirteen
shillings left when I’d bought the gold ring. I wasn’t prowd. I turned
the mangle for three weeks; and then Uncle Bill said, ‘Well, there IS
some good in the feller;’ and it was agreed that we should marry.”

The Plush manuscript finishes here: it is many weeks since we saw the
accomplished writer, and we have only just learned his fate. We are
happy to state that it is a comfortable and almost a prosperous one.

The Honorable and Right Reverend Lionel Thistlewood, Lord Bishop of
Bullocksmithy, was mentioned as the uncle of Lady Angelina Silvertop.
Her elopement with her cousin caused deep emotion to the venerable
prelate: he returned to the palace at Bullocksmithy, of which he had
been for thirty years the episcopal ornament, and where he married
three wives, who lie buried in his Cathedral Church of St. Boniface,

The admirable man has rejoined those whom he loved. As he was preparing
a charge to his clergy in his study after dinner, the Lord Bishop
fell suddenly down in a fit of apoplexy; his butler, bringing in his
accustomed dish of devilled kidneys for supper, discovered the venerable
form extended on the Turkey carpet with a glass of Madeira in his hand;
but life was extinct: and surgical aid was therefore not particularly

All the late prelate’s wives had fortunes, which the admirable man
increased by thrift, the judicious sale of leases which fell in during
his episcopacy, &c. He left three hundred thousand pounds--divided
between his nephew and niece--not a greater sum than has been left by
several deceased Irish prelates.

What Lord Southdown has done with his share we are not called upon to
state. He has composed an epitaph to the Martyr of Bullocksmithy, which
does him infinite credit. But we are happy to state that Lady Angelina
Silvertop presented five hundred pounds to her faithful and affectionate
servant, Mary Ann Hoggins, on her marriage with Mr. James Plush, to whom
her Ladyship also made a handsome present--namely, the lease, good-will,
and fixtures of the “Wheel of Fortune” public-house, near Shepherd’s
Market, May Fair: a house greatly frequented by all the nobility’s
footmen, doing a genteel stroke of business in the neighborhood, and
where, as we have heard, the “Butlers’ Club” is held.

Here Mr. Plush lives happy in a blooming and interesting wife:
reconciled to a middle sphere of life, as he was to a humbler and a
higher one before. He has shaved off his whiskers, and accommodates
himself to an apron with perfect good humor. A gentleman connected with
this establishment dined at the “Wheel of Fortune” the other day, and
collected the above particulars. Mr. Plush blushed rather, as he brought
in the first dish, and told his story very modestly over a pint of
excellent port. He had only one thing in life to complain of, he
said--that a witless version of his adventures had been produced at
the Princess’s theatre, “without with your leaf or by your leaf,” as
he expressed it. “Has for the rest,” the worthy fellow said, “I’m
appy--praps betwixt you and me I’m in my proper spear. I enjy my glass
of beer or port (with your elth & my suvvice to you, sir,) quite as much
as my clarrit in my prawsprus days. I’ve a good busniss, which is likely
to be better. If a man can’t be appy with such a wife as my Mary Hann,
he’s a beest: and when a christening takes place in our famly, will you
give my complments to MR. PUNCH, and ask him to be godfather.”



“Peraps at this present momink of Railway Hagetation and unsafety the
follying little istory of a young friend of mine may hact as an olesome
warning to hother week and hirresolute young gents.

“Young Frederick Timmins was the horphan son of a respectable cludgyman
in the West of Hengland. Hadopted by his uncle, Colonel T----, of the
Hoss-Mareens, and regardless of expence, this young man was sent to
Heaton Collidge, and subsiquintly to Hoxford, where he was very nearly
being Senior Rangler. He came to London to study for the lor. His
prospix was bright indead; and he lived in a secknd flore in Jerming
Street, having a ginteal inkum of two hundred lbs. per hannum.

“With this andsum enuity it may be supposed that Frederick wanted for
nothink. Nor did he. He was a moral and well-educated young man, who
took care of his close; pollisht his hone tea-party boots; cleaned his
kidd-gloves with injer rubber; and, when not invited to dine out,
took his meals reglar at the Hoxford and Cambridge Club--where (unless
somebody treated him) he was never known to igseed his alf-pint of
Marsally Wine.

“Merrits and vuttues such as his coodnt long pass unperseavd in the
world. Admitted to the most fashnabble parties, it wasn’t long
befor sevral of the young ladies viewed him with a favorable i; one,
ixpecially, the lovely Miss Hemily Mulligatawney, daughter of the
Heast-Injar Derector of that name. As she was the richest gal of all the
season, of corse Frederick fell in love with her. His haspirations were
on the pint of being crowndid with success; and it was agreed that as
soon as he was called to the bar, when he would sutnly be apinted a
Judge, or a revising barrister, or Lord Chanslor, he should lead her to
the halter.

“What life could be more desirable than Frederick’s? He gave up his
mornings to perfeshnl studdy, under Mr. Bluebag, the heminent pleader;
he devoted his hevenings to helegant sosiaty at his Clubb, or with his
hadord Hemily. He had no cares; no detts; no egstravigancies; he never
was known to ride in a cabb, unless one of his tip-top friends lent it
him; to go to a theayter unless he got a horder; or to henter a tavern
or smoke a cigar. If prosperraty was hever chocked out, it was for that
young man.

“But SUCKMSTANCES arose. Fatle suckmstances for pore Frederick Timmins.
The Railway Hoperations began.

“For some time, immerst in lor and love, in the hardent hoccupations
of his cheembers, or the sweet sosiaty of his Hemily, Frederick took no
note of railroads. He did not reckonize the jigantic revalution which
with hiron strides was a walkin over the country. But they began to be
talked of even in HIS quiat haunts. Heven in the Hoxford and Cambridge
Clubb, fellers were a speculatin. Tom Thumper (of Brasen Nose) cleared
four thousand lb.; Bob Bullock (of Hexeter), who had lost all his
proppaty gambling, had set himself up again; and Jack Deuceace, who
had won it, had won a small istate besides by lucky specklations in the
Share Markit.

“HEVERY BODY WON. ‘Why shouldn’t I?’ thought pore Fred; and having saved
100 lb., he began a writin for shares--using, like an ickonominicle
feller as he was, the Clubb paper to a prodigious igstent. All the
Railroad directors, his friends, helped him to shares--the allottments
came tumbling in--he took the primmiums by fifties and hundreds a day.
His desk was cramd full of bank notes: his brane world with igsitement.

“He gave up going to the Temple, and might now be seen hall day about
Capel Court. He took no more hinterest in lor; but his whole talk was
of railroad lines. His desk at Mr. Bluebag’s was filled full of
prospectisises, and that legal gent wrote to Fred’s uncle, to say he
feared he was neglectin his bisniss.

“Alass! he WAS neglectin it, and all his sober and industerous habits.
He begann to give dinners, and thought nothin of partys to Greenwich
or Richmond. He didn’t see his Hemily near so often: although the
hawdacious and misguided young man might have done so much more heasily
now than before: for now he kep a Broom!

“But there’s a tumminus to hevery Railway. Fred’s was approachin: in an
evil hour he began making TIME-BARGINGS. Let this be a warning to all
young fellers, and Fred’s huntimely hend hoperate on them in a moral
pint of vu!

“You all know under what favrabble suckemstanses the Great Hafrican
Line, the Grand Niger Junction, or Gold Coast and Timbuctoo (Provishnal)
Hatmospheric Railway came out four weeks ago: deposit ninepence per
share of 20L. (six elephant’s teeth, twelve tons of palm-oil, or
four healthy niggers, African currency)--the shares of this helegeble
investment rose to 1, 2, 3, in the Markit. A happy man was Fred when,
after paying down 100 ninepences (3L. 15s.), he sold his shares for
250L. He gave a dinner at the ‘Star and Garter’ that very day. I promise
you there was no Marsally THERE.

“Nex day they were up at 3 1/4. This put Fred in a rage: they rose to 5,
he was in a fewry. ‘What an ass I was to sell,’ said he, ‘when all this
money was to be won!’

“‘And so you WERE an Ass,’ said his partiklar friend, Colonel Claw,
K.X.R., a director of the line, ‘a double-eared Ass. My dear fellow,
the shares will be at 15 next week. Will you give me your solemn word of
honor not to breathe to mortal man what I am going to tell you?’

“‘Honor bright,’ says Fred.

“‘HUDSON HAS JOINED THE LINE.’ Fred didn’t say a word more, but went
tumbling down to the City in his Broom. You know the state of the
streets. Claw WENT BY WATER.

“‘Buy me one thousand Hafricans for the 30th,’ cries Fred, busting into
his broker’s; and they were done for him at 4 7/8.


“Can’t you guess the rest? Haven’t you seen the Share List? which

“‘Great Africans, paid 9d.; price 1/4 par.’

“And that’s what came of my pore dear friend Timmins’s time-barging.

“What’ll become of him I can’t say; for nobody has seen him since. His
lodgins in Jerming Street is to let. His brokers in vain deplores his
absence. His Uncle has declared his marriage with his housekeeper; and
the Morning Erald (that emusing print) has a paragraf yesterday in the
fashnabble news, headed ‘Marriage in High Life.--The rich and beautiful
Miss Mulligatawney, of Portland Place, is to be speedily united to
Colonel Claw, K.X.R.’



“You will scarcely praps reckonize in this little skitch* the haltered
linimints of 1, with woos face the reders of your valluble mislny were
once fimiliar,--the unfortnt Jeames de la Pluche, fomly so selabrated
in the fashnabble suckles, now the pore Jeames Plush, landlord of the
‘Wheel of Fortune’ public house. Yes, that is me; that is my haypun
which I wear as becomes a publican--those is the checkers which
hornyment the pillows of my dor. I am like the Romin Genral, St.
Cenatus, equal to any emudgency of Fortun. I, who have drunk Shampang
in my time, aint now abov droring a pint of Small Bier. As for my
wife--that Angel--I’ve not ventured to depigt HER. Fansy her a sittn in
the Bar, smiling like a sunflower and, ho, dear Punch! happy in nussing
a deer little darlint totsywotsy of a Jeames, with my air to a curl, and
my i’s to a T!

     * This refers to an illustrated edition of the work.

“I never thought I should have been injuiced to write anything but a
Bill agin, much less to edress you on Railway Subjix--which with all my
sole I ABAW. Railway letters, obbligations to pay hup, ginteal inquirys
as to my Salissator’s name, &c. &c., I dispize and scorn artily. But as
a man, an usbnd, a father, and a freebon Brittn, my jewty compels me to
come forwoods, and igspress my opinion upon that NASHNAL NEWSANCE--the
break of Gage.

“An interesting ewent in a noble family with which I once very nearly
had the honor of being kinected, acurd a few weex sins, when the Lady
Angelina S----, daughter of the Earl of B----cres, presented the gallant
Capting, her usband, with a Son & hair. Nothink would satasfy her
Ladyship but that her old and attacht famdyshamber, my wife Mary Hann
Plush, should be presnt upon this hospicious occasion. Captain S----
was not jellus of me on account of my former attachment to his Lady. I
cunsented that my Mary Hann should attend her, and me, my wife, and
our dear babby acawdingly set out for our noable frend’s residence,
Honeymoon Lodge, near Cheltenham.

“Sick of all Railroads myself, I wisht to poast it in a Chay and 4,
but Mary Hann, with the hobstenacy of her Sex, was bent upon Railroad
travelling, and I yealded, like all husbinds. We set out by the Great
Westn, in an eavle Hour.

“We didnt take much luggitch--my wife’s things in the ushal
bandboxes--mine in a potmancho. Our dear little James Angelo’s (called
so in complament to his noble Godmamma) craddle, and a small supply of a
few 100 weight of Topsanbawtems, Farinashious food, and Lady’s fingers,
for that dear child, who is now 6 months old, with a PERDIDGUS APPATITE.
Likewise we were charged with a bran new Medsan chest for my lady, from
Skivary & Morris, containing enough Rewbub, Daffy’s Alixir, Godfrey’s
cawdle, with a few score of parsles for Lady Hangelina’s family and
owsehold: about 2000 spessymins of Babby linning from Mrs. Flummary’s
in Regent Street, a Chayny Cresning bowl from old Lady Bareacres
(big enough to immus a Halderman), & a case marked ‘Glass,’ from her
ladyship’s meddicle man, which were stowed away together; had to this an
ormylew Cradle, with rose-colored Satting & Pink lace hangings, held up
by a gold tuttle-dove, &c. We had, ingluding James Hangelo’s rattle & my
umbrellow, 73 packidges in all.

“We got on very well as far as Swindon, where, in the Splendid
Refreshment room, there was a galaxy of lovely gals in cottn velvet
spencers, who serves out the soop, and 1 of whom maid an impresshn
upon this Art which I shoodn’t like Mary Hann to know--and here, to our
infanit disgust, we changed carridges. I forgot to say that we were
in the seeknd class, having with us James Hangelo, and 23 other light

“Fust inconveniance: and almost as bad as break of gage. I cast my
hi upon the gal in cottn velvet, and wanted some soop, of coarse; but
seasing up James Hangelo (who was layin his dear little pors on an
Am Sangwidg) and seeing my igspresshn of hi--‘James,’ says Mary
Hann, ‘instead of looking at that young lady--and not so VERY young
neither--be pleased to look to our packidges, & place them in the other
carridge.’ I did so with an evy Art. I eranged them 23 articles in the
opsit carridg, only missing my umberella & baby’s rattle; and jest as I
came back for my baysn of soop, the beast of a bell rings, the whizzling
injians proclayms the time of our departure,--& farewell soop and cottn
velvet. Mary Hann was sulky. She said it was my losing the umberella.
If it had been a COTTON VELVET UMBERELLA I could have understood. James
Hangelo sittn on my knee was evidently unwell; without his coral: &
for 20 miles that blessid babby kep up a rawring, which caused all the
passingers to simpithize with him igseedingly.

“We arrive at Gloster, and there fansy my disgust at bein ableeged
to undergo another change of carridges! Fansy me holding up moughs,
tippits, cloaks, and baskits, and James Hangelo rawring still like mad,
and pretending to shuperintend the carrying over of our luggage from the
broad gage to the narrow gage. ‘Mary Hann,’ says I, rot to desperation,
‘I shall throttle this darling if he goes on.’ ‘Do,’ says she--‘and GO
INTO THE REFRESHMENT room,’ says she--a snatchin the babby out of my
arms. Do go,’ says she, youre not fit to look after luggage,’ and she
began lulling James Hangelo to sleep with one hi, while she looked
after the packets with the other. Now, Sir! if you please, mind that
packet!--pretty darling--easy with that box, Sir, its glass--pooooty
poppet--where’s the deal case, marked arrowroot, No. 24?’ she cried,
reading out of a list she had.--And poor little James went to sleep.
The porters were bundling and carting the various harticles with no more
ceremony than if each package had been of cannonball.

“At last--bang goes a package marked ‘Glass,’ and containing the Chayny
bowl and Lady Bareacres’ mixture, into a large white bandbox, with a
crash and a smash. ‘It’s My Lady’s box from Crinoline’s!’ cries Mary
Hann; and she puts down the child on the bench, and rushes forward to
inspect the dammidge. You could hear the Chayny bowls clinking inside;
and Lady B.’s mixture (which had the igsack smell of cherry brandy) was
dribbling out over the smashed bandbox containing a white child’s cloak,
trimmed with Blown lace and lined with white satting.

“As James was asleep, and I was by this time uncommon hungry, I thought
I WOULD go into the Refreshment Room and just take a little soup; so
I wrapped him up in his cloak and laid him by his mamma, and went off.
There’s not near such good attendance as at Swindon.


“We took our places in the carriage in the dark, both of us covered with
a pile of packages, and Mary Hann so sulky that she would not speak for
some minutes. At last she spoke out--

“‘Have you all the small parcels?’

“‘Twenty-three in all,’ says I.

“‘Then give me baby.’

“‘Give you what?’ says I.

“‘Give me baby.’

“‘What, haven’t y-y-yoooo got him?’ says I.


“O Mussy! You should have heard her sreak! WE’D LEFT HIM ON THE LEDGE AT

“It all came of the break of gage.”


“DEAR MR. PUNCH,--As newmarus inquiries have been maid both at my privit
ressddence, ‘The Wheel of Fortune Otel,’ and at your Hoffis,
regarding the fate of that dear babby, James Hangelo, whose primmiture
dissappearnts caused such hagnies to his distracted parents, I must
begg, dear sir, the permission to ockupy a part of your valuble collams
once more, and hease the public mind about my blessid boy.

“Wictims of that nashnal cuss, the Broken Gage, me and Mrs. Plush was
left in the train to Cheltenham, soughring from that most disgreeble of
complaints, a halmost BROKEN ART. The skreems of Mrs. Jeames might be
said almost to out-Y the squeel of the dying, as we rusht into that
fashnable Spaw, and my pore Mary Hann found it was not Baby, but Bundles
I had in my lapp.

“When the Old Dowidger Lady Bareacres, who was waiting heagerly at the
train, herd that owing to that abawminable Brake of Gage the luggitch,
her Ladyship’s Cherrybrandy box, the cradle for Lady Hangelina’s baby,
the lace, crockary and chany, was rejuiced to one immortial smash; the
old cat howld at me and pore dear Mary Hann, as if it was huss, and not
the infunnle Brake of Gage, was to blame; and as if we ad no misfortns
of our hown to deplaw. She bust out about my stupid imparence; called
Mary Hann a good for nothink creecher, and wep, and abewsd, and took on
about her broken Chayny Bowl, a great deal mor than she did about a dear
little Christian child. ‘Don’t talk to me abowt your bratt of a babby’
(seshe); ‘where’s my bowl?--where’s my medsan?--where’s my bewtiffle
Pint lace?--All in rewing through your stupiddaty, you brute, you!’

“‘Bring your haction aginst the Great Western, Maam,’ says I, quite
riled by this crewel and unfealing hold wixen. ‘Ask the pawters at
Gloster, why your goods is spiled--it’s not the fust time they’ve been
asked the question. Git the gage haltered aginst the nex time you send
for MEDSAN and meanwild buy some at the “Plow”--they keep it very good
and strong there, I’ll be bound. Has for us, WE’RE a going back to the
cussid station at Gloster, in such of our blessid child.’

“‘You don’t mean to say, young woman,’ seshe, ‘that you’re not going to
Lady Hangelina: what’s her dear boy to do? who’s to nuss it?’

“‘YOU nuss it, Maam,’ says I. ‘Me and Mary Hann return this momint by
the Fly.’ And so (whishing her a suckastic ajew) Mrs. Jeames and I
lep into a one oss weakle, and told the driver to go like mad back to

“I can’t describe my pore gals hagny juring our ride. She sat in the
carridge as silent as a milestone, and as madd as a march Air. When we
got to Gloster she sprang hout of it as wild as a Tigris, and rusht to
the station, up to the fatle Bench.

“‘My child, my child,’ shreex she, in a hoss, hot voice. ‘Where’s my
infant? a little bewtifle child, with blue eyes,--dear Mr. Policeman,
give it me--a thousand guineas for it.’

“‘Faix, Mam,’ says the man, a Hirishman, ‘and the divvle a babby have I
seen this day except thirteen of my own--and you’re welcome to any one
of THEM, and kindly.’

“‘As if HIS babby was equal to ours,’ as my darling Mary Hann said,
afterwards. All the station was scrouging round us by this time--pawters
& clarx and refreshmint people and all. ‘What’s this year row about that
there babby?’ at last says the Inspector, stepping hup. I thought my
wife was going to jump into his harms. ‘Have you got him?’ says she.

“‘Was it a child in a blue cloak?’ says he.

“‘And blue eyse!’ says my wife.

“‘I put a label on him and sent him on to Bristol; he’s there by this
time. The Guard of the Mail took him and put him into a letter-box,’
says he: ‘he went 20 minutes ago. We found him on the broad gauge line,
and sent him on by it, in course,’ says he. ‘And it’ll be a caution to
you, young woman, for the future, to label your children along with the
rest of your luggage.’

“If my piguniary means had been such as ONCE they was, you may emadgine
I’d have ad a speshle train and been hoff like smoak. As it was, we was
obliged to wait 4 mortial hours for the next train (4 ears they seemed
to us), and then away we went.

“‘My boy! my little boy!’ says poor choking Mary Hann, when we got
there. ‘A parcel in a blue cloak?’ says the man. ‘No body claimed him
here, and so we sent him back by the mail. An Irish nurse here gave him
some supper, and he’s at Paddington by this time. Yes,’ says he, looking
at the clock, ‘he’s been there these ten minutes.’

“But seeing my poor wife’s distracted histarricle state, this
good-naterd man says, ‘I think, my dear, there’s a way to ease your
mind. We’ll know in five minutes how he is.’

“‘Sir,’ says she, ‘don’t make sport of me.’

“‘No, my dear, we’ll TELEGRAPH him.’

“And he began hopparating on that singlar and ingenus elecktricle
inwention, which aniliates time, and carries intellagence in the
twinkling of a peg-post.

“‘I’ll ask,’ says he, ‘for child marked G. W. 273.’

“Back comes the telegraph with the sign, ‘All right.’

“‘Ask what he’s doing, sir,’ says my wife, quite amazed. Back comes the
answer in a Jiffy--

“‘C. R. Y. I. N. G.’

“This caused all the bystanders to laugh excep my pore Mary Hann, who
pull’d a very sad face.

“The good-naterd feller presently said, ‘he’d have another trile;’ and
what d’ye think was the answer? I’m blest if it wasn’t--

“‘P. A. P.’

“He was eating pap! There’s for you--there’s a rogue for you--there’s a
March of Intaleck! Mary Hann smiled now for the fust time. ‘He’ll sleep
now,’ says she. And she sat down with a full hart.


“If hever that good-naterd Shooperintendent comes to London, HE need
never ask for his skore at the ‘Wheel of Fortune Otel,’ I promise
you--where me and my wife and James Hangelo now is; and where only
yesterday a gent came in and drew this pictur* of us in our bar.

     * This refers to an illustrated edition of the work.

“And if they go on breaking gages; and if the child, the most precious
luggidge of the Henglishman, is to be bundled about this year way,
why it won’t be for want of warning, both from Professor Harris, the
Commission, and from

“My dear Mr. Punch’s obeajent servant,





I think it but right that in making my appearance before the public
I should at once acquaint them with my titles and name. My card, as I
leave it at the houses of the nobility, my friends, is as follows:--


Commanding Battalion of Irregular Horse,


Seeing, I say, this simple visiting ticket, the world will avoid any of
those awkward mistakes as to my person, which have been so frequent of
late. There has been no end to the blunders regarding this humble title
of mine, and the confusion thereby created. When I published my volume
of poems, for instance, the Morning Post newspaper remarked “that the
Lyrics of the Heart, by Miss Gahagan, may be ranked among the sweetest
flowrets of the present spring season.” The Quarterly Review, commenting
upon my Observations on the “Pons Asinorum” (4to. London, 1836), called
me “Doctor Gahagan,” and so on. It was time to put an end to these
mistakes, and I have taken the above simple remedy.

I was urged to it by a very exalted personage. Dining in August last at
the palace of the T-lr-es at Paris, the lovely young Duch-ss of Orl--ns
(who, though she does not speak English, understands it as well as I
do,) said to me in the softest Teutonic, “Lieber Herr Major, haben sie
den Ahmednuggarischen-jager-battalion gelassen?” “Warum denn?” said I,
quite astonished at her R---l H-----ss’s question. The P---cess then
spoke of some trifle from my pen, which was simply signed Goliah

There was, unluckily, a dead silence as H. R. H. put this question.

“Comment donc?” said H. M. Lo-is Ph-l-ppe, looking gravely at Count
Mole; “le cher Major a quitte l’armee! Nicolas donc sera maitre de
l’Inde!” H. M---- and the Pr. M-n-ster pursued their conversation in
a low tone, and left me, as may be imagined in a dreadful state of
confusion. I blushed and stuttered, and murmured out a few incoherent
words to explain--but it would not do--I could not recover my equanimity
during the course of the dinner and while endeavoring to help an English
Duke, my neighbor, to poulet a l’Austerlitz, fairly sent seven mushrooms
and three large greasy croutes over his whiskers and shirt-frill.
Another laugh at my expense. “Ah! M. le Major,” said the Q---- of the
B-lg--ns, archly, “vous n’aurez jamais votre brevet de Colonel.” Her
M----y’s joke will be better understood when I state that his Grace is
the brother of a Minister.

I am not at liberty to violate the sanctity of private life, by
mentioning the names of the parties concerned in this little anecdote. I
only wish to have it understood that I am a gentleman, and live at least
in DECENT society. Verbum sat.

But to be serious. I am obliged always to write the name of Goliah in
full, to distinguish me from my brother, Gregory Gahagan, who was also
a Major (in the King’s service), and whom I killed in a duel, as the
public most likely knows. Poor Greg! a very trivial dispute was the
cause of our quarrel, which never would have originated but for the
similarity of our names. The circumstance was this: I had been lucky
enough to render the Nawaub of Lucknow some trifling service (in the
notorious affair of Choprasjee Muckjee), and his Highness sent down a
gold toothpick-case directed to Captain G. Gahagan, which I of course
thought was for me: my brother madly claimed it; we fought, and the
consequence was, that in about three minutes he received a slash in the
right side (cut 6), which effectually did his business:--he was a good
swordsman enough--I was THE BEST in the universe. The most ridiculous
part of the affair is, that the toothpick-case was his, after all--he
had left it on the Nawaub’s table at tiffin. I can’t conceive what
madness prompted him to fight about such a paltry bauble; he had much
better have yielded it at once, when he saw I was determined to have
it. From this slight specimen of my adventures, the reader will perceive
that my life has been one of no ordinary interest; and, in fact, I
may say that I have led a more remarkable life than any man in the
service--I have been at more pitched battles, led more forlorn hopes,
had more success among the fair sex, drunk harder, read more, and been a
handsomer man than any officer now serving her Majesty.

When I at first went to India in 1802, I was a raw cornet of seventeen,
with blazing red hair, six feet four in height, athletic at all kinds of
exercises, owing money to my tailor and everybody else who would trust
me, possessing an Irish brogue, and my full pay of 120L. a year. I need
not say that with all these advantages I did that which a number of
clever fellows have done before me--I fell in love, and proposed to
marry immediately.

But how to overcome the difficulty?--It is true that I loved Julia
Jowler--loved her to madness; but her father intended her for a Member
of Council at least, and not for a beggarly Irish ensign. It was,
however, my fate to make the passage to India (on board of the “Samuel
Snob” East Indiaman, Captain Duffy,) with this lovely creature, and my
misfortune instantaneously to fall in love with her. We were not out
of the Channel before I adored her, worshipped the deck which she trod
upon, kissed a thousand times the cuddy-chair on which she used to sit.
The same madness fell on every man in the ship. The two mates fought
about her at the Cape; the surgeon, a sober, pious Scotchman, from
disappointed affection, took so dreadfully to drinking as to threaten
spontaneous combustion; and old Colonel Lilywhite, carrying his wife and
seven daughters to Bengal, swore that he would have a divorce from Mrs.
L., and made an attempt at suicide; the captain himself told me,
with tears in his eyes, that he hated his hitherto-adored Mrs. Duffy,
although he had had nineteen children by her.

We used to call her the witch--there was magic in her beauty and in her
voice. I was spell-bound when I looked at her, and stark staring mad
when she looked at me! O lustrous black eyes!--O glossy night-black
ringlets!--O lips!--O dainty frocks of white muslin!--O tiny kid
slippers!--though old and gouty, Gahagan sees you still! I recollect,
off Ascension, she looked at me in her particular way one day at dinner,
just as I happened to be blowing on a piece of scalding hot green fat.
I was stupefied at once--I thrust the entire morsel (about half a pound)
into my mouth. I made no attempt to swallow, or to masticate it, but
left it there for many minutes, burning, burning! I had no skin to my
palate for seven weeks after, and lived on rice-water during the rest
of the voyage. The anecdote is trivial, but it shows the power of Julia
Jowler over me.

The writers of marine novels have so exhausted the subject of storms,
shipwrecks, mutinies, engagements, sea-sickness, and so forth, that
(although I have experienced each of these in many varieties) I think
it quite unnecessary to recount such trifling adventures; suffice it to
say, that during our five months’ trajet, my mad passion for Julia
daily increased; so did the captain’s and the surgeon’s; so did Colonel
Lilywhite’s; so did the doctor’s, the mate’s--that of most part of
the passengers, and a considerable number of the crew. For myself, I
swore--ensign as I was--I would win her for my wife; I vowed that I
would make her glorious with my sword--that as soon as I had made a
favorable impression on my commanding officer (which I did not doubt to
create), I would lay open to him the state of my affections, and demand
his daughter’s hand. With such sentimental outpourings did our voyage
continue and conclude.

We landed at the Sunderbunds on a grilling hot day in December, 1802,
and then for the moment Julia and I separated. She was carried off
to her papa’s arms in a palanquin, surrounded by at least forty
hookahbadars; whilst the poor cornet, attended but by two dandies and a
solitary beasty (by which unnatural name these blackamoors are called),
made his way humbly to join the regiment at head-quarters.

The --th Regiment of Bengal Cavalry, then under the command of
Lieut.-Colonel Julius Jowler, C.B., was known throughout Asia and Europe
by the proud title of the Bundelcund Invincibles--so great was
its character for bravery, so remarkable were its services in that
delightful district of India. Major Sir George Gutch was next in
command, and Tom Thrupp, as kind a fellow as ever ran a Mahratta through
the body, was second Major. We were on the eve of that remarkable war
which was speedily to spread throughout the whole of India, to call
forth the valor of a Wellesley, and the indomitable gallantry of a
Gahagan; which was illustrated by our victories at Ahmednuggar (where
I was the first over the barricade at the storming of the Pettah); at
Argaum, where I slew with my own sword twenty-three matchlock-men,
and cut a dromedary in two; and by that terrible day of Assaye, where
Wellesley would have been beaten but for me--me alone: I headed nineteen
charges of cavalry, took (aided by only four men of my own troop)
seventeen field-pieces, killing the scoundrelly French artillerymen;
on that day I had eleven elephants shot under me, and carried away
Scindiah’s nose-ring with a pistol-ball. Wellesley is a Duke and a
Marshal, I but a simple Major of Irregulars. Such is fortune and war!
But my feelings carry me away from my narrative, which had better
proceed with more order.

On arriving, I say, at our barracks at Dum Dum, I for the first time put
on the beautiful uniform of the Invincibles: a light blue swallow-tailed
jacket with silver lace and wings, ornamented with about 3,000
sugar-loaf buttons, rhubarb-colored leather inexpressibles (tights), and
red morocco boots with silver spurs and tassels, set off to admiration
the handsome persons of the officers of our corps. We wore powder in
those days; and a regulation pigtail of seventeen inches, a brass helmet
surrounded by leopard-skin with a bearskin top and a horsetail feather,
gave the head a fierce and chivalrous appearance, which is far more
easily imagined than described.

Attired in this magnificent costume, I first presented myself before
Colonel Jowler. He was habited in a manner precisely similar, but not
being more than five feet in height, and weighing at least fifteen
stone, the dress he wore did not become him quite so much as slimmer and
taller men. Flanked by his tall Majors, Thrupp and Gutch, he looked like
a stumpy skittle-ball between two attenuated skittles. The plump little
Colonel received me with vast cordiality, and I speedily became a prime
favorite with himself and the other officers of the corps. Jowler was
the most hospitable of men; and gratifying my appetite and my love
together, I continually partook of his dinners, and feasted on the sweet
presence of Julia.

I can see now, what I would not and could not perceive in those early
days, that this Miss Jowler--on whom I had lavished my first and warmest
love, whom I had endowed with all perfection and purity--was no better
than a little impudent flirt, who played with my feelings, because
during the monotony of a sea-voyage she had no other toy to play with;
and who deserted others for me, and me for others, just as her whim
or her interest might guide her. She had not been three weeks at
head-quarters when half the regiment was in love with her. Each and all
of the candidates had some favor to boast of, or some encouraging hopes
on which to build. It was the scene of the “Samuel Snob” over again,
only heightened in interest by a number of duels. The following list
will give the reader a notion of some of them:--

1. Cornet Gahagan . . Ensign Hicks, of the Sappers and Miners. Hicks
received a ball in his jaw, and was half choked by a quantity of carroty
whisker forced down his throat with the ball.

2. Capt. Macgillicuddy, B.N.I., . . Cornet Gahagan. I was run through
the body, but the sword passed between the ribs, and injured me very

3. Capt. Macgillicuddy, B.N.I., . . Mr. Mulligatawny, B.C.S.,
Deputy-Assistant Vice Sub-Controller of the Boggleywollah Indigo
grounds, Ramgolly branch.

Macgillicuddy should have stuck to sword’s-play, and he might have come
off in his second duel as well as in his first; as it was, the civilian
placed a ball and a part of Mac’s gold repeater in his stomach. A
remarkable circumstance attended this shot, an account of which I sent
home to the “Philosophical Transactions:” the surgeon had extracted
the ball, and was going off, thinking that all was well, when the gold
repeater struck thirteen in poor Macgillicuddy’s abdomen. I suppose that
the works must have been disarranged in some way by the bullet, for
the repeater was one of Barraud’s, never known to fail before, and the
circumstance occurred at SEVEN o’clock.*

     * So admirable are the performances of these watches, which
     will stand in any climate, that I repeatedly heard poor
     Macgillicuddy relate the following fact.  The hours, as it
     is known, count in Italy from one to twenty-four: the day
     Mac landed at Naples his repeater rung the Italian hours,
     from one to twenty-four; as soon as he crossed the Alps it
     only sounded as usual.--G. O’G. G.

I could continue, almost ad infinitum, an account of the wars which this
Helen occasioned, but the above three specimens will, I should think,
satisfy the peaceful reader. I delight not in scenes of blood, heaven
knows, but I was compelled in the course of a few weeks, and for the
sake of this one woman, to fight nine duels myself, and I know that four
times as many more took place concerning her.

I forgot to say that Jowler’s wife was a half-caste woman, who had been
born and bred entirely in India, and whom the Colonel had married from
the house of her mother, a native. There were some singular rumors
abroad regarding this latter lady’s history: it was reported that she
was the daughter of a native Rajah, and had been carried off by a poor
English subaltern in Lord Clive’s time. The young man was killed very
soon after, and left his child with its mother. The black Prince forgave
his daughter and bequeathed to her a handsome sum of money. I suppose
that it was on this account that Jowler married Mrs. J., a creature who
had not, I do believe, a Christian name, or a single Christian quality:
she was a hideous, bloated, yellow creature, with a beard, black teeth,
and red eyes: she was fat, lying, ugly, and stingy--she hated and was
hated by all the world, and by her jolly husband as devoutly as by any
other. She did not pass a month in the year with him, but spent most
of her time with her native friends. I wonder how she could have given
birth to so lovely a creature as her daughter. This woman was of course
with the Colonel when Julia arrived, and the spice of the devil in her
daughter’s composition was most carefully nourished and fed by her. If
Julia had been a flirt before, she was a downright jilt now; she set
the whole cantonment by the ears; she made wives jealous and husbands
miserable; she caused all those duels of which I have discoursed
already, and yet such was the fascination of THE WITCH that I still
thought her an angel. I made court to the nasty mother in order to be
near the daughter; and I listened untiringly to Jowler’s interminable
dull stories, because I was occupied all the time in watching the
graceful movements of Miss Julia.

But the trumpet of war was soon ringing in our ears; and on the
battle-field Gahagan is a man! The Bundelcund Invincibles received
orders to march, and Jowler, Hector-like, donned his helmet and prepared
to part from his Andromache. And now arose his perplexity: what must be
done with his daughter, his Julia? He knew his wife’s peculiarities of
living, and did not much care to trust his daughter to her keeping; but
in vain he tried to find her an asylum among the respectable ladies of
his regiment. Lady Gutch offered to receive her, but would have nothing
to do with Mrs. Jowler; the surgeon’s wife, Mrs. Sawbone, would have
neither mother nor daughter; there was no help for it, Julia and her
mother must have a house together, and Jowler knew that his wife would
fill it with her odious blackamoor friends.

I could not, however, go forth satisfied to the campaign until I learned
from Julia my fate. I watched twenty opportunities to see her alone,
and wandered about the Colonel’s bungalow as an informer does about a
public-house, marking the incomings and the outgoings of the family, and
longing to seize the moment when Miss Jowler, unbiassed by her mother or
her papa, might listen, perhaps, to my eloquence, and melt at the tale
of my love.

But it would not do--old Jowler seemed to have taken all of a sudden to
such a fit of domesticity, that there was no finding him out of doors,
and his rhubarb-colored wife (I believe that her skin gave the
first idea of our regimental breeches), who before had been gadding
ceaselessly abroad, and poking her broad nose into every menage in the
cantonment, stopped faithfully at home with her spouse. My only chance
was to beard the old couple in their den, and ask them at once for their

So I called one day at tiffin:--old Jowler was always happy to have my
company at this meal; it amused him, he said, to see me drink Hodgson’s
pale ale (I drank two hundred and thirty-four dozen the first year I was
in Bengal)--and it was no small piece of fun, certainly, to see old Mrs.
Jowler attack the currie-bhaut;--she was exactly the color of it, as I
have had already the honor to remark, and she swallowed the mixture with
a gusto which was never equalled, except by my poor friend Dando apropos
d’huitres. She consumed the first three platefuls with a fork and spoon,
like a Christian; but as she warmed to her work, the old hag would throw
away her silver implements, and dragging the dishes towards her, go to
work with her hands, flip the rice into her mouth with her fingers, and
stow away a quantity of eatables sufficient for a sepoy company. But why
do I diverge from the main point of my story?

Julia, then, Jowler, and Mrs. J. were at luncheon: the dear girl was in
the act to sabler a glass of Hodgson as I entered. “How do you do, Mr.
Gagin?” said the old hag, leeringly. “Eat a bit o’ currie-bhaut,”--and
she thrust the dish towards me, securing a heap as it passed. “What!
Gagy my boy, how do, how do?” said the fat Colonel. “What! run through
the body?--got well again--have some Hodgson--run through your body
too!”--and at this, I may say, coarse joke (alluding to the fact that
in these hot climates the ale oozes out as it were from the pores of the
skin) old Jowler laughed: a host of swarthy chobdars, kitmatgars, sices,
consomahs, and bobbychies laughed too, as they provided me, unasked,
with the grateful fluid. Swallowing six tumblers of it, I paused
nervously for a moment, and then said--

“Bobbachy, consomah, ballybaloo hoga.”

The black ruffians took the hint and retired.

“Colonel and Mrs. Jowler,” said I solemnly, “we are alone; and you,
Miss Jowler, you are alone too; that is--I mean--I take this opportunity
to--(another glass of ale, if you please)--to express, once for all,
before departing on a dangerous campaign”--(Julia turned pale)--“before
entering, I say, upon a war which may stretch in the dust my high-raised
hopes and me, to express my hopes while life still remains to me, and
to declare in the face of heaven, earth, and Colonel Jowler, that I love
you, Julia!” The Colonel, astonished, let fall a steel fork, which stuck
quivering for some minutes in the calf of my leg; but I heeded not the
paltry interruption. “Yes, by yon bright heaven,” continued I, “I
love you, Julia! I respect my commander, I esteem your excellent and
beauteous mother; tell me, before I leave you, if I may hope for a
return of my affection. Say that you love me, and I will do such deeds
in this coming war as shall make you proud of the name of your Gahagan.”

The old woman, as I delivered these touching words, stared, snapped, and
ground her teeth, like an enraged monkey. Julia was now red, now white;
the Colonel stretched forward, took the fork out of the calf of my leg,
wiped it, and then seized a bundle of letters which I had remarked by
his side.

“A cornet!” said he, in a voice choking with emotion; “a pitiful,
beggarly Irish cornet aspire to the hand of Julia Jowler! Gag, Gahagan,
are you mad, or laughing at us? Look at these letters, young man--at
these letters, I say--one hundred and twenty-four epistles from every
part of India (not including one from the Governor-General, and six from
his brother, Colonel Wellesley,)--one hundred and twenty-four proposals
for the hand of Miss Jowler! Cornet Gahagan,” he continued, “I wish to
think well of you: you are the bravest, the most modest, and, perhaps,
the handsomest man in our corps; but you have not got a single rupee.
You ask me for Julia, and you do not possess even an anna!”--(Here the
old rogue grinned, as if he had made a capital pun).--“No, no,” said he,
waxing good-natured; “Gagy, my boy, it is nonsense! Julia, love, retire
with your mamma; this silly young gentleman will remain and smoke a pipe
with me.”

I took one; it was the bitterest chillum I ever smoked in my life.


I am not going to give here an account of my military services; they
will appear in my great national autobiography, in forty volumes,
which I am now preparing for the press. I was with my regiment in all
Wellesley’s brilliant campaigns; then taking dawk, I travelled across
the country north-eastward, and had the honor of fighting by the side of
Lord Lake at Laswaree, Deeg, Furruckabad, Futtyghur, and Bhurtpore:
but I will not boast of my actions--the military man knows them, MY
SOVEREIGN appreciates them. If asked who was the bravest man of the
Indian army, there is not an officer belonging to it who would not cry
at once, GAHAGAN. The fact is, I was desperate: I cared not for life,
deprived of Julia Jowler.

With Julia’s stony looks ever before my eyes, her father’s stern refusal
in my ears, I did not care, at the close of the campaign, again to seek
her company or to press my suit. We were eighteen months on service,
marching and countermarching, and fighting almost every other day: to
the world I did not seem altered; but the world only saw the face, and
not the seared and blighted heart within me. My valor, always
desperate, now reached to a pitch of cruelty; I tortured my grooms and
grass-cutters for the most trifling offence or error,--I never in action
spared a man,--I sheared off three hundred and nine heads in the course
of that single campaign.

Some influence, equally melancholy, seemed to have fallen upon poor old
Jowler. About six months after we had left Dum Dum, he received a
parcel of letters from Benares (whither his wife had retired with her
daughter), and so deeply did they seem to weigh upon his spirits, that
he ordered eleven men of his regiment to be flogged within two days; but
it was against the blacks that he chiefly turned his wrath. Our fellows,
in the heat and hurry of the campaign, were in the habit of dealing
rather roughly with their prisoners, to extract treasure from them: they
used to pull their nails out by the root, to boil them in kedgeree pots,
to flog them and dress their wounds with cayenne pepper, and so on.
Jowler, when he heard of these proceedings, which before had always
justly exasperated him (he was a humane and kind little man), used now
to smile fiercely and say, “D--- the black scoundrels! Serve them right,
serve them right!”

One day, about a couple of miles in advance of the column, I had been
on a foraging-party with a few dragoons, and was returning peaceably
to camp, when of a sudden a troop of Mahrattas burst on us from a
neighboring mango-tope, in which they had been hidden: in an instant
three of my men’s saddles were empty, and I was left with but seven more
to make head against at least thirty of these vagabond black horsemen.
I never saw in my life a nobler figure than the leader of the
troop--mounted on a splendid black Arab: he was as tall, very nearly, as
myself; he wore a steel cap and a shirt of mail, and carried a beautiful
French carbine, which had already done execution upon two of my men. I
saw that our only chance of safety lay in the destruction of this man.
I shouted to him in a voice of thunder (in the Hindustanee tongue of
course), “Stop, dog, if you dare, and encounter a man!”

In reply his lance came whirling in the air over my head, and mortally
transfixed poor Foggarty of ours, who was behind me. Grinding my teeth
and swearing horribly, I drew that scimitar which never yet failed its
blow,* and rushed at the Indian. He came down at full gallop, his own
sword making ten thousand gleaming circles in the air, shrieking his cry
of battle.

     * In my affair with Macgillicuddy, I was fool enough to go
     out with small-swords--miserable weapons only fit for
     tailors.--G. O’G. G.

The contest did not last an instant. With my first blow I cut off his
sword-arm at the wrist; my second I levelled at his head. I said that
he wore a steel cap, with a gilt iron spike of six inches, and a hood of
chain mail. I rose in my stirrups and delivered “ST. GEORGE;” my sword
caught the spike exactly on the point, split it sheer in two, cut
crashing through the steel cap and hood, and was only stopped by a ruby
which he wore in his back-plate. His head, cut clean in two between the
eyebrows and nostrils, even between the two front teeth, fell one side
on each shoulder, and he galloped on till his horse was stopped by my
men, who were not a little amused at the feat.

As I had expected, the remaining ruffians fled on seeing their leader’s
fate. I took home his helmet by way of curiosity, and we made a single
prisoner, who was instantly carried before old Jowler.

We asked the prisoner the name of the leader of the troop; he said it
was Chowder Loll.

“Chowder Loll!” shrieked Colonel Jowler. “O fate! thy hand is here!” He
rushed wildly into his tent--the next day applied for leave of absence.
Gutch took the command of the regiment, and I saw him no more for some


As I had distinguished myself not a little during the war, General Lake
sent me up with despatches to Calcutta, where Lord Wellesley received me
with the greatest distinction. Fancy my surprise, on going to a ball at
Government House, to meet my old friend Jowler; my trembling, blushing,
thrilling delight, when I saw Julia by his side!

Jowler seemed to blush too when he beheld me. I thought of my former
passages with his daughter. “Gagy my boy,” says he, shaking hands, “glad
to see you. Old friend, Julia--come to tiffin--Hodgson’s pale--brave
fellow Gagy.” Julia did not speak, but she turned ashy pale, and fixed
upon me her awful eyes! I fainted almost, and uttered some incoherent
words. Julia took my hand, gazed at me still, and said, “Come!” Need I
say I went?

I will not go over the pale ale and currie-bhaut again; but this I know,
that in half an hour I was as much in love as I ever had been: and that
in three weeks I--yes, I--was the accepted lover of Julia! I did not
pause to ask where were the one hundred and twenty-four offers? why I,
refused before, should be accepted now? I only felt that I loved her,
and was happy!


One night, one memorable night, I could not sleep, and, with a lover’s
pardonable passion, wandered solitary through the city of palaces
until I came to the house which contained my Julia. I peeped into the
compound--all was still; I looked into the veranda--all was dark,
except a light--yes, one light--and it was in Julia’s chamber! My heart
throbbed almost to stilling. I would--I WOULD advance, if but to gaze
upon her for a moment, and to bless her as she slept. I DID look, I DID
advance; and, O heaven! I saw a lamp burning, Mrs. Jow. in a nightdress,
with a very dark baby in her arms, and Julia looking tenderly at an
ayah, who was nursing another.

“Oh, mamma,” said Julia, “what would that fool Gahagan say if he knew

“HE DOES KNOW ALL!” shouted I, springing forward, and tearing down the
tatties from the window. Mrs. Jow. ran shrieking out of the room, Julia
fainted, the cursed black children squalled, and their d----d nurse fell
on her knees, gabbling some infernal jargon of Hindustanee. Old Jowler
at this juncture entered with a candle and a drawn sword.

“Liar! scoundrel! deceiver!” shouted I. “Turn, ruffian, and defend
yourself!” But old Jowler, when he saw me, only whistled, looked at his
lifeless daughter, and slowly left the room.

Why continue the tale? I need not now account for Jowler’s gloom on
receiving his letters from Benares--for his exclamation upon the death
of the Indian chief--for his desire to marry his daughter: the woman I
was wooing was no longer Miss Julia Jowler, she was Mrs. Chowder Loll!



I sat down to write gravely and sadly, for (since the appearance of some
of my adventures in a monthly magazine) unprincipled men have endeavored
to rob me of the only good I possess, to question the statements that I
make, and, themselves without a spark of honor or good feeling, to steal
from me that which is my sole wealth--my character as a teller of THE

The reader will understand that it is to the illiberal strictures of
a profligate press I now allude; among the London journalists, none
(luckily for themselves) have dared to question the veracity of my
statements: they know me, and they know that I am IN LONDON. If I can
use the pen, I can also wield a more manly and terrible weapon, and
would answer their contradictions with my sword! No gold or gems
adorn the hilt of that war-worn scimitar; but there is blood upon the
blade--the blood of the enemies of my country, and the maligners of my
honest fame. There are others, however--the disgrace of a disgraceful
trade--who, borrowing from distance a despicable courage, have ventured
to assail me. The infamous editors of the Kelso Champion, the Bungay
Beacon, the Tipperary Argus, and the Stoke Pogis Sentinel, and other
dastardly organs of the provincial press, have, although differing in
politics, agreed upon this one point, and with a scoundrelly unanimity,
vented a flood of abuse upon the revelations made by me.

They say that I have assailed private characters, and wilfully perverted
history to blacken the reputation of public men. I ask, was any one of
these men in Bengal in the year 1803? Was any single conductor of any
one of these paltry prints ever in Bundelcund or the Rohilla country?
Does this EXQUISITE Tipperary scribe know the difference between
Hurrygurrybang and Burrumtollah? Not he! and because, forsooth, in those
strange and distant lands strange circumstances have taken place, it
is insinuated that the relater is a liar: nay, that the very places
themselves have no existence but in my imagination. Fools!--but I will
not waste my anger upon them, and proceed to recount some other portions
of my personal history.

It is, I presume, a fact which even THESE scribbling assassins will not
venture to deny, that before the commencement of the campaign against
Scindiah, the English General formed a camp at Kanouge on the Jumna,
where he exercised that brilliant little army which was speedily to
perform such wonders in the Dooab. It will be as well to give a slight
account of the causes of a war which was speedily to rage through some
of the fairest portions of the Indian continent.

Shah Allum, the son of Shah Lollum, the descendant by the female line
of Nadir Shah (that celebrated Toorkomaun adventurer, who had wellnigh
hurled Bajazet and Selim the Second from the throne of Bagdad)--Shah
Allum, I say, although nominally the Emperor of Delhi, was in reality
the slave of the various warlike chieftains who lorded it by turns over
the country and the sovereign, until conquered and slain by some more
successful rebel. Chowder Loll Masolgee, Zubberdust Khan, Dowsunt Row
Scindiah, and the celebrated Bobbachy Jung Bahawder, had held for a
time complete mastery in Delhi. The second of these, a ruthless Afghan
soldier, had abruptly entered the capital; nor was he ejected from it
until he had seized upon the principal jewels, and likewise put out the
eyes of the last of the unfortunate family of Afrasiab. Scindiah came
to the rescue of the sightless Shah Allum, and though he destroyed
his oppressor, only increased his slavery; holding him in as painful a
bondage as he had suffered under the tyrannous Afghan.

As long as these heroes were battling among themselves, or as long
rather as it appeared that they had any strength to fight a battle, the
British Government, ever anxious to see its enemies by the ears, by no
means interfered in the contest. But the French Revolution broke out,
and a host of starving sans-culottes appeared among the various Indian
States, seeking for military service, and inflaming the minds of the
various native princes against the British East India Company. A
number of these entered into Scindiah’s ranks: one of them, Perron, was
commander of his army; and though that chief was as yet quite engaged in
his hereditary quarrel with Jeswunt Row Holkar, and never thought of
an invasion of the British territory, the Company all of a sudden
discovered that Shah Allum, his sovereign, was shamefully ill-used, and
determined to re-establish the ancient splendor of his throne.

Of course it was sheer benevolence for poor Shah Allum that prompted our
governors to take these kindly measures in his favor. I don’t know how
it happened that, at the end of the war, the poor Shah was not a whit
better off than at the beginning; and that though Holkar was beaten,
and Scindiah annihilated, Shah Allum was much such a puppet as before.
Somehow, in the hurry and confusion of this struggle, the oyster
remained with the British Government, who had so kindly offered to dress
it for the Emperor, while his Majesty was obliged to be contented with
the shell.

The force encamped at Kanouge bore the title of the Grand Army of the
Ganges and the Jumna; it consisted of eleven regiments of cavalry and
twelve battalions of infantry, and was commanded by General Lake in

Well, on the 1st of September we stormed Perron’s camp at Allyghur;
on the fourth we took that fortress by assault; and as my name
was mentioned in general orders, I may as well quote the
Commander-in-Chief’s words regarding me--they will spare me the trouble
of composing my own eulogium:--

“The Commander-in-Chief is proud thus publicly to declare his high sense
of the gallantry of Lieutenant Gahagan, of the ---- cavalry. In the
storming of the fortress, although unprovided with a single ladder,
and accompanied but by a few brave men, Lieutenant Gahagan succeeded in
escalading the inner and fourteenth wall of the place. Fourteen ditches
lined with sword-blades and poisoned chevaux-de-frise, fourteen walls
bristling with innumerable artillery and as smooth as looking-glasses,
were in turn triumphantly passed by that enterprising officer. His
course was to be traced by the heaps of slaughtered enemies lying thick
upon the platforms; and alas! by the corpses of most of the gallant
men who followed him!--when at length he effected his lodgment, and the
dastardly enemy, who dared not to confront him with arms, let loose
upon him the tigers and lions of Scindiah’s menagerie. This meritorious
officer destroyed, with his own hand, four of the largest and most
ferocious animals, and the rest, awed by the indomitable majesty of
BRITISH VALOR, shrank back to their dens. Thomas Higgory, a private,
and Runty Goss, havildar, were the only two who remained out of the nine
hundred who followed Lieutenant Gahagan. Honor to them! honor and tears
for the brave men who perished on that awful day!”


I have copied this, word for word, from the Bengal Hurkaru of September
24, 1803: and anybody who has the slightest doubt as to the statement,
may refer to the paper itself.

And here I must pause to give thanks to Fortune, which so marvellously
preserved me, Sergeant-Major Higgory, and Runty Goss. Were I to say that
any valor of ours had carried us unhurt through this tremendous
combat, the reader would laugh me to scorn. No: though my narrative is
extraordinary, it is nevertheless authentic; and never, never would
I sacrifice truth for the mere sake of effect. The fact is this:--the
citadel of Allyghur is situated upon a rock, about a thousand feet
above the level of the sea, and is surrounded by fourteen walls, as his
Excellency was good enough to remark in his despatch. A man who would
mount these without scaling-ladders, is an ass; he who would SAY he
mounted them without such assistance, is a liar and a knave. We HAD
scaling-ladders at the commencement of the assault, although it was
quite impossible to carry them beyond the first line of batteries.
Mounted on them, however, as our troops were falling thick about me, I
saw that we must ignominiously retreat, unless some other help could
be found for our brave fellows to escalade the next wall. It was about
seventy feet high. I instantly turned the guns of wall A on wall B, and
peppered the latter so as to make, not a breach, but a scaling
place; the men mounting in the holes made by the shot. By this simple
stratagem, I managed to pass each successive barrier--for to ascend a
wall which the General was pleased to call “as smooth as glass” is an
absurd impossibility: I seek to achieve none such:--

     “I dare do all that may become a man,
     Who dares do more, is neither more nor less.”

Of course, had the enemy’s guns been commonly well served, not one of us
would ever have been alive out of the three; but whether it was owing to
fright, or to the excessive smoke caused by so many pieces of artillery,
arrive we did. On the platforms, too, our work was not quite so
difficult as might be imagined--killing these fellows was sheer
butchery. As soon as we appeared, they all turned and fled
helter-skelter, and the reader may judge of their courage by the fact
that out of about seven hundred men killed by us, only forty had wounds
in front, the rest being bayoneted as they ran.

And beyond all other pieces of good fortune was the very letting out of
these tigers; which was the dernier ressort of Bournonville, the second
commandant of the fort. I had observed this man (conspicuous for a
tri-colored scarf which he wore) upon every one of the walls as we
stormed them, and running away the very first among the fugitives.
He had all the keys of the gates; and in his tremor, as he opened the
menagerie portal, left the whole bunch in the door, which I seized when
the animals were overcome. Runty Goss then opened them one by one, our
troops entered, and the victorious standard of my country floated on the
walls of Allyghur!

When the General, accompanied by his staff; entered the last line of
fortifications, the brave old man raised me from the dead rhinoceros
on which I was seated, and pressed me to his breast. But the excitement
which had borne me through the fatigues and perils of that fearful day
failed all of a sudden, and I wept like a child upon his shoulder.

Promotion, in our army, goes unluckily by seniority; nor is it in the
power of the General-in-Chief to advance a Caesar, if he finds him
in the capacity of a subaltern: MY reward for the above exploit was,
therefore, not very rich. His Excellency had a favorite horn snuff-box
(for, though exalted in station, he was in his habits most simple):
of this, and about a quarter of an ounce of high-dried Welsh, which he
always took, he made me a present, saying, in front of the line, “Accept
this, Mr. Gahagan, as a token of respect from the first to the bravest
officer in the army.”

Calculating the snuff to be worth a halfpenny, I should say that
fourpence was about the value of this gift: but it has at least this
good effect--it serves to convince any person who doubts my story, that
the facts of it are really true. I have left it at the office of my
publisher, along with the extract from the Bengal Hurkaru, and anybody
may examine both by applying in the counting-house of Mr. Cunningham.*
That once popular expression, or proverb, “are you up to snuff?” arose
out of the above circumstance; for the officers of my corps, none of
whom, except myself, had ventured on the storming-party, used to twit me
about this modest reward for my labors. Never mind! when they want me to
storm a fort AGAIN, I shall know better.

     * The Major certainly offered to leave an old snuff-box at
     Mr. Cunningham’s office; but it contained no extract from a
     newspaper, and does not QUITE prove that he killed a
     rhinoceros and stormed fourteen intrenchments at the siege
     of Allyghur.

Well, immediately after the capture of this important fortress, Perron,
who had been the life and soul of Scindiah’s army, came in to us, with
his family and treasure, and was passed over to the French settlements
at Chandernagur. Bourquien took his command, and against him we now
moved. The morning of the 11th of September found us upon the plains of

It was a burning hot day, and we were all refreshing ourselves after
the morning’s march, when I, who was on the advanced piquet along
with O’Gawler of the King’s Dragoons, was made aware of the enemy’s
neighborhood in a very singular manner. O’Gawler and I were seated under
a little canopy of horse-cloths, which we had formed to shelter us from
the intolerable heat of the sun, and were discussing with great delight
a few Manilla cheroots, and a stone jar of the most exquisite, cool,
weak, refreshing sangaree. We had been playing cards the night before,
and O’Gawler had lost to me seven hundred rupees. I emptied the last of
the sangaree into the two pint tumblers out of which we were drinking,
and holding mine up, said, “Here’s better luck to you next time,

As I spoke the words--whish!--a cannon-ball cut the tumbler clean out
of my hand, and plumped into poor O’Gawler’s stomach. It settled him
completely, and of course I never got my seven hundred rupees. Such are
the uncertainties of war!

To strap on my sabre and my accoutrements--to mount my Arab charger--to
drink off what O’Gawler had left of the sangaree--and to gallop to the
General, was the work of a moment. I found him as comfortably at tiffin
as if he were at his own house in London.

“General,” said I, as soon as I got into his paijamahs (or tent), “you
must leave your lunch if you want to fight the enemy.”

“The enemy--psha! Mr. Gahagan, the enemy is on the other side of the

“I can only tell your Excellency that the enemy’s guns will hardly carry
five miles, and that Cornet O’Gawler was this moment shot dead at my
side with a cannon-ball.”

“Ha! is it so?” said his Excellency, rising, and laying down the
drumstick of a grilled chicken. “Gentlemen, remember that the eyes of
Europe are upon us, and follow me!”

Each aide-de-camp started from table and seized his cocked hat; each
British heart beat high at the thoughts of the coming melee. We mounted
our horses and galloped swiftly after the brave old General; I not the
last in the train, upon my famous black charger.

It was perfectly true, the enemy were posted in force within three miles
of our camp, and from a hillock in the advance to which we galloped, we
were enabled with our telescopes to see the whole of his imposing line.
Nothing can better describe it than this:--

           ................................. A

--A is the enemy, and the dots represent the hundred and twenty pieces
of artillery which defended his line. He was, moreover, intrenched; and
a wide morass in his front gave him an additional security.

His Excellency for a moment surveyed the line, and then said, turning
round to one of his aides-de-camp, “Order up Major-General Tinkler and
the cavalry.”

“HERE, does your Excellency mean?” said the aide-de-camp, surprised, for
the enemy had perceived us, and the cannon-balls were flying about as
thick as peas.

“HERE, sir!” said the old General, stamping with his foot in a passion,
and the A.D.C. shrugged his shoulders and galloped away. In five minutes
we heard the trumpets in our camp, and in twenty more the greater part
of the cavalry had joined us.

Up they came, five thousand men, their standards flapping in the air,
their long line of polished jack-boots gleaming in the golden sunlight.
“And now we are here,” said Major-General Sir Theophilus Tinkler,
“what next?” “Oh, d--- it,” said the Commander-in-Chief, “charge,
charge--nothing like charging--galloping--guns--rascally black
scoundrels--charge, charge!” And then turning round to me (perhaps he
was glad to change the conversation), he said, “Lieutenant Gahagan, you
will stay with me.”

And well for him I did, for I do not hesitate to say that the battle WAS
GAINED BY ME. I do not mean to insult the reader by pretending that any
personal exertions of mine turned the day,--that I killed, for instance,
a regiment of cavalry or swallowed a battery of guns,--such absurd tales
would disgrace both the hearer and the teller. I, as is well known,
never say a single word which cannot be proved, and hate more than all
other vices the absurd sin of egotism; I simply mean that my ADVICE to
the General, at a quarter past two o’clock in the afternoon of that day,
won this great triumph for the British army.

Gleig, Mill, and Thorn have all told the tale of this war, though
somehow they have omitted all mention of the hero of it. General Lake,
for the victory of that day, became Lord Lake of Laswaree. Laswaree!
and who, forsooth, was the real conqueror of Laswaree? I can lay my hand
upon my heart and say that I was. If any proof is wanting of the fact,
let me give it at once, and from the highest military testimony in the
world--I mean that of the Emperor Napoleon.

In the month of March, 1817, I was passenger on board the “Prince
Regent,” Captain Harris, which touched at St. Helena on its passage from
Calcutta to England. In company with the other officers on board the
ship, I paid my respects to the illustrious exile of Longwood, who
received us in his garden, where he was walking about, in a nankeen
dress and a large broad-brimmed straw-hat, with General Montholon, Count
Las Casas, and his son Emanuel, then a little boy; who I dare say does
not recollect me, but who nevertheless played with my sword-knot and the
tassels of my Hessian boots during the whole of our interview with his
Imperial Majesty.

Our names were read out (in a pretty accent, by the way!) by General
Montholon, and the Emperor, as each was pronounced, made a bow to the
owner of it, but did not vouchsafe a word. At last Montholon came to
mine. The Emperor looked me at once in the face, took his hands out
of his pockets, put them behind his back, and coming up to me smiling,
pronounced the following words:--

“Assaye, Delhi, Deeg, Futtyghur?”

I blushed, and taking off my hat with a bow, said--“Sire, c’est moi.”

“Parbleu! je le savais bien,” said the Emperor, holding out his
snuff-box. “En usez-vous, Major?” I took a large pinch (which, with the
honor of speaking to so great a man, brought the tears into my eyes),
and he continued as nearly as possible in the following words:--

“Sir, you are known; you come of an heroic nation. Your third brother,
the Chef de Bataillon, Count Godfrey Gahagan, was in my Irish brigade.”

Gahagan.--“Sire, it is true. He and my countrymen in your Majesty’s
service stood under the green flag in the breach of Burgos, and beat
Wellington back. It was the only time, as your Majesty knows, that
Irishmen and Englishmen were beaten in that war.”

Napoleon (looking as if he would say, “D--- your candor, Major
Gahagan”).--“Well, well; it was so. Your brother was a Count, and died a
General in my service.”

Gahagan.--“He was found lying upon the bodies of nine-and-twenty
Cossacks at Borodino. They were all dead, and bore the Gahagan mark.”

Napoleon (to Montholon).--“C’est vrai, Montholon: je vous donne ma
parole d’honneur la plus sacree, que c’est vrai. Ils ne sont pas
d’autres, ces terribles Ga’gans. You must know that Monsieur gained
the battle of Delhi as certainly as I did that of Austerlitz. In this
way:--Ce belitre de Lor Lake, after calling up his cavalry, and placing
them in front of Holkar’s batteries, qui balayaient la plaine, was
for charging the enemy’s batteries with his horse, who would have been
ecrases, mitrailles, foudroyes to a man but for the cunning of ce grand
rogue que vous voyez.”

Montholon.--“Coquin de Major, va!”

Napoleon.--“Montholon! tais-toi. When Lord Lake, with his great
bull-headed English obstinacy, saw the facheuse position into which
he had brought his troops, he was for dying on the spot, and would
infallibly have done so--and the loss of his army would have been the
ruin of the East India Company--and the ruin of the English East India
Company would have established my empire (bah! it was a republic then!)
in the East--but that the man before us, Lieutenant Goliah Gahagan, was
riding at the side of General Lake.”

Montholon (with an accent of despair and fury).--“Gredin! cent mille
tonnerres de Dieu!”

Napoleon (benignantly).--“Calme-toi, mon fidele ami. What will you?
It was fate. Gahagan, at the critical period of the battle, or rather
slaughter (for the English had not slain a man of the enemy), advised a

Montholon. “Le lache! Un Francais meurt, mais il ne recule jamais.”

Napoleon.--“STUPIDE! Don’t you see WHY the retreat was ordered?--don’t
you know that it was a feint on the part of Gahagan to draw Holkar from
his impregnable intrenchments? Don’t you know that the ignorant Indian
fell into the snare, and issuing from behind the cover of his guns, came
down with his cavalry on the plains in pursuit of Lake and his dragoons?
Then it was that the Englishmen turned upon him; the hardy children of
the north swept down his feeble horsemen, bore them back to their
guns, which were useless, entered Holkar’s intrenchments along with his
troops, sabred the artillerymen at their pieces, and won the battle of

As the Emperor spoke, his pale cheek glowed red, his eye flashed fire,
his deep clear voice rung as of old when he pointed out the enemy from
beneath the shadow of the Pyramids, or rallied his regiments to the
charge upon the death-strewn plain of Wagram. I have had many a proud
moment in my life, but never such a proud one as this; and I would
readily pardon the word “coward,” as applied to me by Montholon, in
consideration of the testimony which his master bore in my favor.

“Major,” said the Emperor to me in conclusion, “why had I not such a man
as you in my service? I would have made you a Prince and a Marshal!” and
here he fell into a reverie, of which I knew and respected the purport.
He was thinking, doubtless, that I might have retrieved his fortunes;
and indeed I have very little doubt that I might.

Very soon after, coffee was brought by Monsieur Marchand, Napoleon’s
valet-de-chambre, and after partaking of that beverage, and talking
upon the politics of the day, the Emperor withdrew, leaving me
deeply impressed by the condescension he had shown in this remarkable




I have been here for some months, along with my young friend Cabrera:
and in the hurry and bustle of war--daily on guard and in the batteries
for sixteen hours out of the twenty-four, with fourteen severe wounds
and seven musket-balls in my body--it may be imagined that I have had
little time to think about the publication of my memoirs. Inter arma
silent leges--in the midst of fighting be hanged to writing! as the poet
says; and I never would have bothered myself with a pen, had not common
gratitude incited me to throw off a few pages.

Along with Oraa’s troops, who have of late been beleaguering this
place, there was a young Milesian gentleman, Mr. Toone O’Connor Emmett
Fitzgerald Sheeny, by name, a law student, and member of Gray’s Inn, and
what he called Bay Ah of Trinity College, Dublin. Mr. Sheeny was with
the Queen’s people, not in a military capacity, but as representative of
an English journal; to which, for a trifling weekly remuneration, he
was in the habit of transmitting accounts of the movements of the
belligerents, and his own opinion of the politics of Spain. Receiving,
for the discharge of his duty, a couple of guineas a week from the
proprietors of the journal in question, he was enabled, as I need
scarcely say, to make such a show in Oraa’s camp as only a Christino
general officer, or at the very least a colonel of a regiment, can
afford to keep up.

In the famous sortie which we made upon the twenty-third, I was of
course among the foremost in the melee, and found myself, after a good
deal of slaughtering (which it would be as disagreeable as useless to
describe here), in the court of a small inn or podesta, which had been
made the head-quarters of several Queenite officers during the siege.
The pesatero or landlord of the inn had been despatched by my brave
chapel-churies, with his fine family of children--the officers quartered
in the podesta had of course bolted; but one man remained, and my
fellows were on the point of cutting him into ten thousand pieces with
their borachios, when I arrived in the room time enough to prevent
the catastrophe. Seeing before me an individual in the costume of a
civilian--a white hat, a light blue satin cravat, embroidered with
butterflies and other quadrupeds, a green coat and brass buttons, and
a pair of blue plaid trousers, I recognized at once a countryman, and
interposed to save his life.

In an agonized brogue the unhappy young man was saying all that he could
to induce the chapel-churies to give up their intention of slaughtering
him; but it is very little likely that his protestations would have had
any effect upon them, had not I appeared in the room, and shouted to the
ruffians to hold their hand.

Seeing a general officer before them (I have the honor to hold that rank
in the service of his Catholic Majesty), and moreover one six feet four
in height, and armed with that terrible cabecilla (a sword so called,
because it is five feet long) which is so well known among the Spanish
armies--seeing, I say, this figure, the fellows retired, exclaiming,
“Adios, corpo di bacco, nosotros,” and so on, clearly proving (by their
words) that they would, if they dared, have immolated the victim whom
I had thus rescued from their fury. “Villains!” shouted I, hearing them
grumble, “away! quit the apartment!” Each man, sulkily sheathing his
sombrero, obeyed, and quitted the camarilla.

It was then that Mr. Sheeny detailed to me the particulars to which I
have briefly adverted; and, informing me at the same time that he had a
family in England who would feel obliged to me for his release, and that
his most intimate friend the English ambassador would move heaven and
earth to revenge his fall, he directed my attention to a portmanteau
passably well filled, which he hoped would satisfy the cupidity of my
troops. I said, though with much regret, that I must subject his person
to a search; and hence arose the circumstance which has called for what
I fear you will consider a somewhat tedious explanation. I found upon
Mr. Sheeny’s person three sovereigns in English money (which I have to
this day), and singularly enough a copy of The New Monthly Magazine,
containing a portion of my adventures. It was a toss-up whether I should
let the poor young man be shot or no, but this little circumstance saved
his life. The gratified vanity of authorship induced me to accept his
portmanteau and valuables, and to allow the poor wretch to go free. I
put the Magazine in my coat-pocket, and left him and the podesta.

The men, to my surprise, had quitted the building, and it was full
time for me to follow; for I found our sallying party, after committing
dreadful ravages in Oraa’s lines, were in full retreat upon the fort,
hotly pressed by a superior force of the enemy. I am pretty well known
and respected by the men of both parties in Spain (indeed I served for
some months on the Queen’s side before I came over to Don Carlos); and,
as it is my maxim never to give quarter, I never expect to receive it
when taken myself. On issuing from the podesta with Sheeny’s portmanteau
and my sword in my hand, I was a little disgusted and annoyed to see our
own men in a pretty good column retreating at double-quick, and about
four hundred yards beyond me, up the hill leading to the fort; while
on my left hand, and at only a hundred yards, a troop of the Queenite
lancers were clattering along the road.

I had got into the very middle of the road before I made this discovery,
so that the fellows had a full sight of me, and whiz! came a bullet by
my left whisker before I could say Jack Robinson. I looked round--there
were seventy of the accursed malvados at the least, and within, as I
said, a hundred yards. Were I to say that I stopped to fight seventy
men, you would write me down a fool or a liar: no, sir, I did not fight,
I ran away.

I am six feet four--my figure is as well known in the Spanish army
as that of the Count de Luchana, or my fierce little friend Cabrera
himself. “GAHAGAN!” shouted out half a dozen scoundrelly voices, and
fifty more shots came rattling after me. I was running--running as the
brave stag before the hounds--running as I have done a great number of
times before in my life, when there was no help for it but a race.

After I had run about five hundred yards, I saw that I had gained nearly
three upon our column in front, and that likewise the Christino horsemen
were left behind some hundred yards more; with the exception of three,
who were fearfully near me. The first was an officer without a lance; he
had fired both his pistols at me, and was twenty yards in advance of his
comrades; there was a similar distance between the two lancers who
rode behind him. I determined then to wait for No. 1, and as he came
up delivered cut 3 at his horse’s near leg--off it flew, and down, as I
expected, went horse and man. I had hardly time to pass my sword through
my prostrate enemy, when No. 2 was upon me. If I could but get that
fellow’s horse, thought I, I am safe; and I executed at once the plan
which I hoped was to effect my rescue.

I had, as I said, left the podesta with Sheeny’s portmanteau, and,
unwilling to part with some of the articles it contained--some shirts, a
bottle of whiskey, a few cakes of Windsor soap, &c. &c.,--I had carried
it thus far on my shoulders, but now was compelled to sacrifice it
malgre moi. As the lancer came up, I dropped my sword from my right
hand, and hurled the portmanteau at his head, with aim so true, that he
fell back on his saddle like a sack, and thus when the horse galloped up
to me, I had no difficulty in dismounting the rider: the whiskey-bottle
struck him over his right eye, and he was completely stunned. To dash
him from the saddle and spring myself into it, was the work of a moment;
indeed, the two combats had taken place in about a fifth part of the
time which it has taken the reader to peruse the description. But in the
rapidity of the last encounter, and the mounting of my enemy’s horse, I
had committed a very absurd oversight--I was scampering away WITHOUT MY
SWORD! What was I to do?--to scamper on, to be sure, and trust to the
legs of my horse for safety!

The lancer behind me gained on me every moment, and I could hear his
horrid laugh as he neared me. I leaned forward jockey-fashion in my
saddle, and kicked, and urged, and flogged with my hand, but all in
vain. Closer--closer--the point of his lance was within two feet of my
back. Ah! ah! he delivered the point, and fancy my agony when I felt it
enter--through exactly fifty-nine pages of the New Monthly Magazine.
Had it not been for that Magazine, I should have been impaled without a
shadow of a doubt. Was I wrong in feeling gratitude? Had I not cause to
continue my contributions to that periodical?

When I got safe into Morella, along with the tail of the sallying party,
I was for the first time made acquainted with the ridiculous result of
the lancer’s thrust (as he delivered his lance, I must tell you that a
ball came whiz over my head from our fellows, and entering at his nose,
put a stop to HIS lancing for the future). I hastened to Cabrera’s
quarter, and related to him some of my adventures during the day.

“But, General,” said he, “you are standing. I beg you chiudete l’uscio
(take a chair).”

I did so, and then for the first time was aware that there was some
foreign substance in the tail of my coat, which prevented my sitting
at ease. I drew out the Magazine which I had seized, and there, to my
wonder, DISCOVERED THE CHRISTINO LANCE twisted up like a fish-hook, or a
pastoral crook.

“Ha! ha! ha!” said Cabrera (who is a notorious wag).

“Valdepenas madrilenos,” growled out Tristany.

“By my cachuca di caballero (upon my honor as a gentleman),” shrieked
out Ros d’Eroles, convulsed with laughter, “I will send it to the Bishop
of Leon for a crozier.”

“Gahagan has CONSECRATED it,” giggled out Ramon Cabrera; and so they
went on with their muchacas for an hour or more. But, when they heard
that the means of my salvation from the lance of the scoundrelly
Christino had been the Magazine containing my own history, their laugh
was changed into wonder. I read them (speaking Spanish more fluently
than English) every word of my story. “But how is this?” said Cabrera.
“You surely have other adventures to relate?”

“Excellent Sir,” said I, “I have;” and that very evening, as we sat over
our cups of tertullia (sangaree), I continued my narrative in nearly the
following words:--

“I left off in the very middle of the battle of Delhi, which ended, as
everybody knows, in the complete triumph of the British arms. But
who gained the battle? Lord Lake is called Viscount Lake of Delhi and
Laswaree, while Major Gaha--nonsense, never mind HIM, never mind the
charge he executed when, sabre in hand, he leaped the six-foot wall in
the mouth of the roaring cannon, over the heads of the gleaming pikes;
when, with one hand seizing the sacred peishcush, or fish--which was the
banner always borne before Scindiah,--he, with his good sword, cut off
the trunk of the famous white elephant, which, shrieking with agony,
plunged madly into the Mahratta ranks, followed by his giant brethren,
tossing, like chaff before the wind, the affrighted kitmatgars. He,
meanwhile, now plunging into the midst of a battalion of consomahs, now
cleaving to the chine a screaming and ferocious bobbachee,* rushed on,
like the simoom across the red Zaharan plain, killing with his own hand,
a hundred and forty-thr--but never mind--‘ALONE HE DID IT;’ sufficient
be it for him, however, that the victory was won: he cares not for the
empty honors which were awarded to more fortunate men!

     * The double-jointed camel of Bactria, which the classic
     reader may recollect is mentioned by Suidas (in his
     Commentary on the Flight of Darius), is so called by the

“We marched after the battle to Delhi, where poor blind old Shah Allum
received us, and bestowed all kinds of honors and titles on our General.
As each of the officers passed before him, the Shah did not fail to
remark my person,* and was told my name.

     * There is some trifling inconsistency on the Major’s part.
     Shah Allum was notoriously blind: how, then, could he have
     seen Gahagan? The thing is manifestly impossible.

“Lord Lake whispered to him my exploits, and the old man was so
delighted with the account of my victory over the elephant (whose trunk
I use to this day), that he said, ‘Let him be called GUJPUTI,’ or the
lord of elephants; and Gujputi was the name by which I was afterwards
familiarly known among the natives,--the men, that is. The women had a
softer appellation for me, and called me ‘Mushook,’ or charmer.

“Well, I shall not describe Delhi, which is doubtless well known to the
reader; nor the siege of Agra, to which place we went from Delhi; nor
the terrible day at Laswaree, which went nigh to finish the war. Suffice
it to say that we were victorious, and that I was wounded; as I have
invariably been in the two hundred and four occasions when I have found
myself in action. One point, however, became in the course of this
country cried shame, the King’s troops grumbled, the sepoys openly
murmured that their Gujputi was only a lieutenant, when he had performed
such signal services. What was to be done? Lord Wellesley was in an
evident quandary. ‘Gahagan,’ wrote he, ‘to be a subaltern is evidently
not your fate--YOU WERE BORN FOR COMMAND; but Lake and General Wellesley
are good officers, they cannot be turned out--I must make a post for
you. What say you, my dear fellow, to a corps of IRREGULAR HORSE?’

“It was thus that the famous corps of AHMEDNUGGAR IRREGULARS had
its origin; a guerilla force, it is true, but one which will long be
remembered in the annals of our Indian campaigns.


“As the commander of this regiment, I was allowed to settle the uniform
of the corps, as well as to select recruits. These were not wanting as
soon as my appointment was made known, but came flocking to my standard
a great deal faster than to the regular corps in the Company’s service.
I had European officers, of course, to command them, and a few of my
countrymen as sergeants; the rest were all natives, whom I chose of
the strongest and bravest men in India; chiefly Pitans, Afghans,
Hurrumzadehs, and Calliawns: for these are well known to be the most
warlike districts of our Indian territory.

“When on parade and in full uniform we made a singular and noble
appearance. I was always fond of dress; and, in this instance, gave a
carte blanche to my taste, and invented the most splendid costume that
ever perhaps decorated a soldier. I am, as I have stated already, six
feet four inches in height, and of matchless symmetry and proportion. My
hair and beard are of the most brilliant auburn, so bright as scarcely
to be distinguished at a distance from scarlet. My eyes are bright blue,
overshadowed by bushy eyebrows of the color of my hair, and a terrific
gash of the deepest purple, which goes over the forehead, the eyelid,
and the cheek, and finishes at the ear, gives my face a more strictly
military appearance than can be conceived. When I have been drinking (as
is pretty often the case) this gash becomes ruby bright, and as I have
another which took off a piece of my under-lip, and shows five of my
front teeth, I leave you to imagine that ‘seldom lighted on the earth’
(as the monster Burke remarked of one of his unhappy victims), ‘a more
extraordinary vision.’ I improved these natural advantages; and, while
in cantonment during the hot winds at Chittybobbary, allowed my hair to
grow very long, as did my beard, which reached to my waist. It took
me two hours daily to curl my hair in ten thousand little cork-screw
ringlets, which waved over my shoulders, and to get my moustaches well
round to the corners of my eyelids. I dressed in loose scarlet trousers
and red morocco boots, a scarlet jacket, and a shawl of the same color
round my waist; a scarlet turban three feet high, and decorated with a
tuft of the scarlet feathers of the flamingo, formed my head-dress, and
I did not allow myself a single ornament, except a small silver skull
and crossbones in front of my turban. Two brace of pistols, a Malay
creese, and a tulwar, sharp on both sides, and very nearly six feet
in length, completed this elegant costume. My two flags were each
surmounted with a red skull and cross-bones, and ornamented, one with
a black, and the other with a red beard (of enormous length, taken from
men slain in battle by me). On one flag were of course the arms of
John Company; on the other, an image of myself bestriding a prostrate
elephant, with the simple word, ‘Gujputi’ written underneath in the
Nagaree, Persian, and Sanscrit characters. I rode my black horse, and
looked, by the immortal gods, like Mars. To me might be applied
the words which were written concerning handsome General Webb, in
Marlborough’s time:--

     “‘To noble danger he conducts the way,
     His great example all his troop obey,
     Before the front the Major sternly rides,
     With such an air as Mars to battle strides.
     Propitious heaven must sure a hero save
     Like Paris handsome, and like Hector brave!’

“My officers (Captains Biggs and Mackanulty, Lieutenants Glogger,
Pappendick, Stuffle, &c., &c.) were dressed exactly in the same way,
but in yellow; and the men were similarly equipped, but in black. I
have seen many regiments since, and many ferocious-looking men, but the
Ahmednuggar Irregulars were more dreadful to the view than any set of
ruffians on which I ever set eyes. I would to heaven that the Czar of
Muscovy had passed through Cabool and Lahore, and that I with my old
Ahmednuggars stood on a fair field to meet him! Bless you, bless you, my
swart companions in victory! through the mist of twenty years I hear the
booming of your war-cry, and mark the glitter of your scimitars as ye
rage in the thickest of the battle!*

     * I do not wish to brag of my style of writing, or to
     pretend that my genius as a writer has not been equalled in
     former times; but if, in the works of Byron, Scott, Goethe,
     or Victor Hugo, the reader can find a more beautiful
     sentence than the above, I will be obliged to him, that is
     all--I simply say, I WILL BE OBLIGED TO HIM.----G. O’G. G.,
     M. H. E. I. C. S., C. I. H. A.

“But away with melancholy reminiscences. You may fancy what a figure
the Irregulars cut on a field-day--a line of five hundred black-faced,
black-dressed, black-horsed, black-bearded men--Biggs, Glogger, and
the other officers in yellow, galloping about the field like flashes of
lightning; myself enlightening them, red, solitary, and majestic, like
yon glorious orb in heaven.

“There are very few men, I presume, who have not heard of Holkar’s
sudden and gallant incursion into the Dooab, in the year 1804, when we
thought that the victory of Laswaree and the brilliant success at Deeg
had completely finished him. Taking ten thousand horse he broke up his
camp at Palimbang; and the first thing General Lake heard of him was,
that he was at Putna, then at Rumpooge, then at Doncaradam--he was, in
fact, in the very heart of our territory.

“The unfortunate part of the affair was this:--His Excellency, despising
the Mahratta chieftain, had allowed him to advance about two thousand
miles in his front, and knew not in the slightest degree where to lay
hold on him. Was he at Hazarubaug? was he at Bogly Gunge? nobody knew,
and for a considerable period the movements of Lake’s cavalry were quite
ambiguous, uncertain, promiscuous, and undetermined.

“Such, briefly, was the state of affairs in October, 1804. At the
beginning of that month I had been wounded (a trifling scratch, cutting
off my left upper eyelid, a bit of my cheek, and my under lip), and I
was obliged to leave Biggs in command of my Irregulars, whilst I retired
for my wounds to an English station at Furruckabad, alias Futtyghur--it
is, as every twopenny postman knows, at the apex of the Dooab. We have
there a cantonment, and thither I went for the mere sake of the surgeon
and the sticking-plaster.

“Furruckabad, then, is divided into two districts or towns: the lower
Cotwal, inhabited by the natives, and the upper (which is fortified
slightly, and has all along been called Futtyghur, meaning in
Hindoostanee ‘the-favorite-resort-of-the-white-faced-Feringhees-near
the-mango-tope-consecrated-to Ram’) occupied by Europeans. (It is
astonishing, by the way, how comprehensive that language is, and how
much can be conveyed in one or two of the commonest phrases.)

“Biggs, then, and my men were playing all sorts of wondrous pranks with
Lord Lake’s army, whilst I was detained an unwilling prisoner of health
at Futtyghur.

“An unwilling prisoner, however, I should not say. The cantonment at
Futtyghur contained that which would have made ANY man a happy slave.
Woman, lovely woman, was there in abundance and variety! The fact is,
that when the campaign commenced in 1803, the ladies of the army all
congregated to this place, where they were left, as it was supposed, in
safety. I might, like Homer, relate the names and qualities of all. I
may at least mention SOME whose memory is still most dear to me. There

“Mrs. Major-General Bulcher, wife of Bulcher of the infantry.

“Miss Bulcher.

“Miss BELINDA BULCHER (whose name I beg the printer to place in large

“Mrs. Colonel Vandegobbleschroy.

“Mrs. Major Macan and the four Misses Macan.

“The Honorable Mrs. Burgoo, Mrs. Flix, Hicks, Wicks, and many more too
numerous to mention. The flower of our camp was, however, collected
there, and the last words of Lord Lake to me, as I left him, were,
‘Gahagan, I commit those women to your charge. Guard them with your
life, watch over them with your honor, defend them with the matchless
power of your indomitable arm.’

“Futtyghur is, as I have said, a European station, and the pretty air of
the bungalows, amid the clustering topes of mango-trees, has often ere
this excited the admiration of the tourist and sketcher. On the brow of
a hill--the Burrumpooter river rolls majestically at its base; and no
spot, in a word, can be conceived more exquisitely arranged, both by art
and nature, as a favorite residence of the British fair. Mrs. Bulcher,
Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy, and the other married ladies above mentioned,
had each of them delightful bungalows and gardens in the place, and
between one cottage and another my time passed as delightfully as can
the hours of any man who is away from his darling occupation of war.

“I was the commandant of the fort. It is a little insignificant pettah,
defended simply by a couple of gabions, a very ordinary counterscarp,
and a bomb-proof embrasure. On the top of this my flag was planted, and
the small garrison of forty men only were comfortably barracked off in
the case-mates within. A surgeon and two chaplains (there were besides
three reverend gentlemen of amateur missions, who lived in the town,)
completed, as I may say, the garrison of our little fortalice, which I
was left to defend and to command.

“On the night of the first of November, in the year 1804, I had invited
Mrs. Major-General Bulcher and her daughters, Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy,
and, indeed, all the ladies in the cantonment, to a little festival in
honor of the recovery of my health, of the commencement of the shooting
season, and indeed as a farewell visit, for it was my intention to take
dawk the very next morning and return to my regiment. The three amateur
missionaries whom I have mentioned, and some ladies in the cantonment of
very rigid religious principles, refused to appear at my little party.
They had better never have been born than have done as they did: as you
shall hear.

“We had been dancing merrily all night, and the supper (chiefly of the
delicate condor, the luscious adjutant, and other birds of a similar
kind, which I had shot in the course of the day) had been duly feted by
every lady and gentleman present; when I took an opportunity to retire
on the ramparts, with the interesting and lovely Belinda Bulcher. I
was occupied, as the French say, in conter-ing fleurettes to this
sweet young creature, when, all of a sudden, a rocket was seen whizzing
through the air, and a strong light was visible in the valley below the
little fort.

“‘What, fireworks! Captain Gahagan,’ said Belinda; ‘this is too

“‘Indeed, my dear Miss Bulcher,’ said I, ‘they are fireworks of which I
have no idea: perhaps our friends the missionaries--’

“‘Look, look!’ said Belinda, trembling, and clutching tightly hold of my
arm: ‘what do I see? yes--no--yes! it is--OUR BUNGALOW IS IN FLAMES!’

“It was true, the spacious bungalow occupied by Mrs. Major-General was
at that moment seen a prey to the devouring element--another and another
succeeded it--seven bungalows, before I could almost ejaculate the name
of Jack Robinson, were seen blazing brightly in the black midnight air!

“I seized my night-glass, and looking towards the spot where the
conflagration raged, what was my astonishment to see thousands of black
forms dancing round the fires; whilst by their lights I could observe
columns after columns of Indian horse, arriving and taking up their
ground in the very middle of the open square or tank, round which the
bungalows were built!

“‘Ho, warder!’ shouted I (while the frightened and trembling Belinda
clung closer to my side, and pressed the stalwart arm that encircled
her waist), ‘down with the drawbridge! see that your masolgees’ (small
tumbrels which are used in place of large artillery) ‘be well loaded:
you, sepoys, hasten and man the ravelin! you, choprasees, put out the
lights in the embrasures! we shall have warm work of it to-night, or my
name is not Goliah Gahagan.’

“The ladies, the guests (to the number of eighty-three), the sepoys,
choprasees, masolgees, and so on, had all crowded on the platform at
the sound of my shouting, and dreadful was the consternation, shrill
the screaming, occasioned by my words. The men stood irresolute and
mute with terror! the women, trembling, knew scarcely whither to fly for
refuge. ‘Who are yonder ruffians?’ said I. A hundred voices yelped in
reply--some said the Pindarees, some said the Mahrattas, some vowed it
was Scindiah, and others declared it was Holkar--no one knew.

“‘Is there any one here,’ said I, ‘who will venture to reconnoitre
yonder troops?’ There was a dead pause.

“‘A thousand tomauns to the man who will bring me news of yonder army!’
again I repeated. Still a dead silence. The fact was that Scindiah
and Holkar both were so notorious for their cruelty, that no one dared
venture to face the danger. Oh for fifty of my brave Abmednuggarees!’
thought I.

“‘Gentlemen,’ said I, ‘I see it--you are cowards--none of you dare
encounter the chance even of death. It is an encouraging prospect: know
you not that the ruffian Holkar, if it be he, will with the morrow’s
dawn beleaguer our little fort, and throw thousands of men against our
walls? know you not that, if we are taken, there is no quarter, no
hope; death for us--and worse than death for these lovely ones assembled
here?’ Here the ladies shrieked and raised a howl as I have heard the
jackals on a summer’s evening. Belinda, my dear Belinda! flung both
her arms round me, and sobbed on my shoulder (or in my waistcoat-pocket
rather, for the little witch could reach no higher).

“‘Captain Gahagan,’ sobbed she, ‘GO--GO--GOGGLE--IAH!’

“‘My soul’s adored!’ replied I.

“‘Swear to me one thing.’

“‘I swear.’

“‘That if--that if--the nasty, horrid, odious black Mah-ra-a-a-attahs
take the fort, you will put me out of their power.’

“I clasped the dear girl to my heart, and swore upon my sword that,
rather than she should incur the risk of dishonors she should perish
by my own hand. This comforted her; and her mother, Mrs. Major-General
Bulcher, and her elder sister, who had not until now known a word of our
attachment, (indeed, but for these extraordinary circumstances, it is
probable that we ourselves should never have discovered it,) were
under these painful circumstances made aware of my beloved
Belinda’s partiality for me. Having communicated thus her wish of
self-destruction, I thought her example a touching and excellent one,
and proposed to all the ladies that they should follow it, and that at
the entry of the enemy into the fort, and at a signal given by me, they
should one and all make away with themselves. Fancy my disgust when,
after making this proposition, not one of the ladies chose to accede
to it, and received it with the same chilling denial that my former
proposal to the garrison had met with.

“In the midst of this hurry and confusion, as if purposely to add to it,
a trumpet was heard at the gate of the fort, and one of the sentinels
came running to me, saying that a Mahratta soldier was before the gate
with a flag of truce!

“I went down, rightly conjecturing, as it turned out, that the party,
whoever they might be, had no artillery; and received at the point of my
sword a scroll, of which the following is a translation:--


“‘LORD OF ELEPHANTS, SIR,--I have the honor to inform you that I arrived
before this place at eight o’clock P.M. with ten thousand cavalry under
my orders. I have burned, since my arrival, seventeen bungalows in
Furruckabad and Futtyghur, and have likewise been under the painful
necessity of putting to death three clergymen (mollahs), and seven
English officers, whom I found in the village; the women have been
transferred to safe keeping in the harems of my officers and myself.

“‘As I know your courage and talents, I shall be very happy if you
will surrender the fortress, and take service as a major-general
(hookahbadar) in my army. Should my proposal not meet with your assent,
I beg leave to state that to-morrow I shall storm the fort, and on
taking it, shall put to death every male in the garrison, and every
female above twenty years of age. For yourself I shall reserve a
punishment, which for novelty and exquisite torture has, I flatter
myself, hardly ever been exceeded. Awaiting the favor of a reply, I am,

“‘Your very obedient servant,



“‘R. S. V. P.’

“The officer who had brought this precious epistle (it is astonishing
how Holkar had aped the forms of English correspondence), an enormous
Pitan soldier, with a shirt of mail, and a steel cap and cape, round
which his turban wound, was leaning against the gate on his matchlock,
and whistling a national melody. I read the letter, and saw at once
there was no time to be lost. That man, thought I, must never go back to
Holkar. Were he to attack us now before we were prepared, the fort would
be his in half an hour.

“Tying my white pocket-handkerchief to a stick, I flung open the gate
and advanced to the officer; he was standing, I said, on the little
bridge across the moat. I made him a low salaam, after the fashion of
the country, and, as he bent forward to return the compliment, I am
sorry to say, I plunged forward, gave him a violent blow on the head,
which deprived him of all sensation, and then dragged him within the
wall, raising the drawbridge after me.

“I bore the body into my own apartment: there, swift as thought, I
stripped him of his turban, cammerbund, peijammahs, and papooshes,
and, putting them on myself, determined to go forth and reconnoitre the


Here I was obliged to stop, for Cabrera, Ros d’Eroles, and the rest of
the staff, were sound asleep! What I did in my reconnaisance, and how
I defended the fort of Futtyghur, I shall have the honor of telling on
another occasion.




It is a balmy night. I hear the merry jingle of the tambourine, and
the cheery voices of the girls and peasants, as they dance beneath my
casement, under the shadow of the clustering vines. The laugh and
song pass gayly round, and even at this distance I can distinguish the
elegant form of Ramon Cabrera, as he whispers gay nothings in the ears
of the Andalusian girls, or joins in the thrilling chorus of Riego’s
hymn, which is ever and anon vociferated by the enthusiastic soldiery of
Carlos Quinto. I am alone, in the most inaccessible and most bomb-proof
tower of our little fortalice; the large casements are open--the wind,
as it enters, whispers in my ear its odorous recollections of the
orange grove and the myrtle bower. My torch (a branch of the fragrant
cedar-tree) flares and flickers in the midnight breeze, and disperses
its scent and burning splinters on my scroll and the desk where I
write--meet implements for a soldier’s authorship!--it is CARTRIDGE
paper over which my pen runs so glibly, and a yawning barrel of
gunpowder forms my rough writing-table. Around me, below me, above me,
all--all is peace! I think, as I sit here so lonely, on my country,
England! and muse over the sweet and bitter recollections of my early
days! Let me resume my narrative, at the point where (interrupted by the
authoritative summons of war) I paused on the last occasion.

I left off, I think--(for I am a thousand miles away from proof-sheets
as I write, and, were I not writing the simple TRUTH, must contradict
myself a thousand times in the course of my tale)--I think, I say,
that I left off at that period of my story, when, Holkar being before
Futtyghur, and I in command of that fortress, I had just been compelled
to make away with his messenger; and, dressed in the fallen Indian’s
accoutrements, went forth to reconnoitre the force, and, if possible,
to learn the intentions of the enemy. However much my figure might have
resembled that of the Pitan, and, disguised in his armor, might have
deceived the lynx-eyed Mahrattas, into whose camp I was about to plunge,
it was evident that a single glance at my fair face and auburn beard
would have undeceived the dullest blockhead in Holkar’s army. Seizing,
then, a bottle of Burgess’s walnut catsup, I dyed my face and my hands,
and, with the simple aid of a flask of Warren’s jet, I made my hair
and beard as black as ebony. The Indian’s helmet and chain hood covered
likewise a great part of my face and I hoped thus, with luck, impudence,
and a complete command of all the Eastern dialects and languages, from
Burmah to Afghanistan, to pass scot-free through this somewhat dangerous

I had not the word of the night, it is true--but I trusted to good
fortune for that, and passed boldly out of the fortress, bearing the
flag of truce as before; I had scarcely passed on a couple of hundred
yards, when lo! a party of Indian horsemen, armed like him I had just
overcome, trotted towards me. One was leading a noble white charger, and
no sooner did he see me than, dismounting from his own horse, and giving
the rein to a companion, he advanced to meet me with the charger; a
second fellow likewise dismounted and followed the first; one held
the bridle of the horse, while the other (with a multitude of salaams,
aleikums, and other genuflexions), held the jewelled stirrup, and
kneeling, waited until I should mount.

I took the hint at once: the Indian who had come up to the fort was a
great man--that was evident; I walked on with a majestic air, gathered
up the velvet reins, and sprung into the magnificent high-peaked saddle.
“Buk, buk,” said I. “It is good. In the name of the forty-nine Imaums,
let us ride on.” And the whole party set off at a brisk trot, I keeping
silence, and thinking with no little trepidation of what I was about to

As we rode along, I heard two of the men commenting upon my unusual
silence (for I suppose, I--that is the Indian--was a talkative officer).
“The lips of the Bahawder are closed,” said one. “Where are those birds
of Paradise, his long-tailed words? they are imprisoned between the
golden bars of his teeth!”

“Kush,” said his companion, “be quiet! Bobbachy Bahawder has seen the
dreadful Feringhee, Gahagan Khan Gujputi, the elephant-lord, whose sword
reaps the harvest of death; there is but one champion who can wear the
papooshes of the elephant-slayer--it is Bobbachy Bahawder!”

“You speak truly, Puneeree Muckun, the Bahawder ruminates on the
words of the unbeliever: he is an ostrich, and hatches the eggs of his

“Bekhusm! on my nose be it! May the young birds, his actions, be strong
and swift in flight.”

“May they DIGEST IRON!” said Puneeree Muckun, who was evidently a wag in
his way.

“O-ho!” thought I, as suddenly the light flashed upon me. “It was, then,
the famous Bobbachy Bahawder, whom I overcame just now! and he is the
man destined to stand in my slippers, is he?” and I was at that very
moment standing in his own! Such are the chances and changes that fall
to the lot of the soldier!

I suppose everybody--everybody who has been in India, at least--has
heard the name of Bobbachy Bahawder: it is derived from the two
Hindustanee words--bobbachy, general; bahawder, artilleryman. He had
entered into Holkar’s service in the latter capacity, and had, by his
merit and his undaunted bravery in action, attained the dignity of the
peacock’s feather, which is only granted to noblemen of the first class;
he was married, moreover, to one of Holkar’s innumerable daughters: a
match which, according to the Chronique Scandaleuse, brought more of
honor than of pleasure to the poor Bobbachy. Gallant as he was in the
field, it was said that in the harem he was the veriest craven alive,
completely subjugated by his ugly and odious wife. In all matters of
importance the late Bahawder had been consulted by his prince, who had,
as it appears, (knowing my character, and not caring to do anything rash
in his attack upon so formidable an enemy,) sent forward the unfortunate
Pitan to reconnoitre the fort; he was to have done yet more, as I
learned from the attendant Puneeree Muckun, who was, I soon found out,
an old favorite with the Bobbachy--doubtless on account of his honesty
and love of repartee.

“The Bahawder’s lips are closed,” said he, at last, trotting up to me;
“has he not a word for old Puneeree Muckun?”

“Bismillah, mashallah, barikallah,” said I; which means, “My good
friend, what I have seen is not worth the trouble of relation, and fills
my bosom with the darkest forebodings.”

“You could not then see the Gujputi alone, and stab him with your

[Here was a pretty conspiracy!] “No, I saw him, but not alone; his
people were always with him.”

“Hurrumzadeh! it is a pity; we waited but the sound of your jogree
(whistle), and straightway would have galloped up and seized upon every
man, woman, and child in the fort: however, there are but a dozen men in
the garrison, and they have not provision for two days--they must yield;
and then hurrah for the moon-faces! Mashallah! I am told the soldiers
who first get in are to have their pick. How my old woman, Rotee Muckun,
will be surprised when I bring home a couple of Feringhee wives,--ha!

“Fool!” said I, “be still!--twelve men in the garrison! there are twelve
hundred! Gahagan himself is as good as a thousand men; and as for food,
I saw with my own eyes five hundred bullocks grazing in the court-yard
as I entered.” This WAS a bouncer, I confess; but my object was to
deceive Puneeree Muckun, and give him as high a notion as possible of
the capabilities of defence which the besieged had.

“Pooch, pooch,” murmured the men; “it is a wonder of a fortress: we
shall never be able to take it until our guns come up.”

There was hope then! they had no battering-train. Ere this arrived,
I trusted that Lord Lake would hear of our plight, and march down to
rescue us. Thus occupied in thought and conversation, we rode on until
the advanced sentinel challenged us, when old Puneeree gave the word,
and we passed on into the centre of Holkar’s camp.

It was a strange--a stirring sight! The camp-fires were lighted; and
round them--eating, reposing, talking, looking at the merry steps of the
dancing-girls, or listening to the stories of some Dhol Baut (or Indian
improvisatore) were thousands of dusky soldiery. The camels and horses
were picketed under the banyan-trees, on which the ripe mango fruit was
growing, and offered them an excellent food. Towards the spot which the
golden fish and royal purdahs, floating in the wind, designated as the
tent of Holkar, led an immense avenue--of elephants! the finest street,
indeed, I ever saw. Each of the monstrous animals had a castle on
its back, armed with Mauritanian archers and the celebrated Persian
matchlock-men: it was the feeding time of these royal brutes, and the
grooms were observed bringing immense toffungs, or baskets, filled with
pine-apples, plantains, bandannas, Indian corn, and cocoa-nuts, which
grow luxuriantly at all seasons of the year. We passed down this
extraordinary avenue--no less than three hundred and eighty-eight
tails did I count on each side--each tail appertaining to an elephant
twenty-five feet high--each elephant having a two-storied castle on its
back--each castle containing sleeping and eating rooms for the twelve
men that formed its garrison, and were keeping watch on the roof--each
roof bearing a flag-staff twenty feet long on its top, the
crescent glittering with a thousand gems, and round it the imperial
standard,--each standard of silk velvet and cloth-of-gold, bearing the
well-known device of Holkar, argent an or gules, between a sinople of
the first, a chevron, truncated, wavy. I took nine of these myself in
the course of a very short time after, and shall be happy, when I come
to England, to show them to any gentleman who has a curiosity that way.
Through this gorgeous scene our little cavalcade passed, and at last we
arrived at the quarters occupied by Holkar.

That celebrated chieftain’s tents and followers were gathered round
one of the British bungalows which had escaped the flames, and which he
occupied during the siege. When I entered the large room where he sat,
I found him in the midst of a council of war; his chief generals and
viziers seated round him, each smoking his hookah, as is the common
way with these black fellows, before, at, and after breakfast, dinner,
supper, and bedtime. There was such a cloud raised by their smoke you
could hardly see a yard before you--another piece of good luck for
me--as it diminished the chances of my detection. When, with the
ordinary ceremonies, the kitmatgars and consomahs had explained to the
prince that Bobbachy Bahawder, the right eye of the Sun of the universe
(as the ignorant heathens called me), had arrived from his mission,
Holkar immediately summoned me to the maidaun, or elevated platform, on
which he was seated in a luxurious easy-chair, and I, instantly taking
off my slippers, falling on my knees, and beating my head against the
ground ninety-nine times, proceeded, still on my knees, a hundred and
twenty feet through the room, and then up the twenty steps which led to
his maidaun--a silly, painful, and disgusting ceremony, which can only
be considered as a relic of barbarian darkness, which tears the knees
and shins to pieces, let alone the pantaloons. I recommend anybody who
goes to India, with the prospect of entering the service of the native
rajahs, to recollect my advice and have them WELL-WADDED.

Well, the right eye of the Sun of the universe scrambled as well as he
could up the steps of the maidaun (on which in rows, smoking, as I have
said, the musnuds or general officers were seated), and I arrived within
speaking-distance of Holkar, who instantly asked me the success of
my mission. The impetuous old man thereon poured out a multitude of
questions: “How many men are there in the fort?” said he; “how many
women? Is it victualled? Have they ammunition? Did you see Gahagan
Sahib, the commander? did you kill him?”

All these questions Jeswunt Row Holkar puffed out with so many whiffs of

Taking a chillum myself, and raising about me such a cloud that, upon
my honor as a gentleman, no man at three yards’ distance could perceive
anything of me except the pillar of smoke in which I was encompassed, I
told Holkar, in Oriental language of course, the best tale I could with
regard to the fort.

“Sir” said I, “to answer your last question first--that dreadful Gujputi
I have seen--and he is alive: he is eight feet, nearly, in height; he
can eat a bullock daily (of which he has seven hundred at present in the
compound, and swears that during the siege he will content himself with
only three a week): he has lost in battle his left eye; and what is
the consequence? O Ram Gunge” (O thou-with-the-eye-as-bright-as-morning
and-with-beard-as-black-as-night), “Goliah Gujputi--NEVER SLEEPS!”

“Ah, you Ghorumsaug (you thief of the world),” said the Prince Vizier,
Saadut Alee Beg Bimbukchee--“it’s joking you are;”--and there was a
universal buzz through the room at the announcement of this bouncer.

“By the hundred and eleven incarnations of Vishnu,” said I, solemnly,
(an oath which no Indian was ever known to break,) “I swear that so it
is: so at least he told me, and I have good cause to know his power.
Gujputi is an enchanter: he is leagued with devils; he is invulnerable.
Look,” said I, unsheathing my dagger--and every eye turned instantly
towards me--“thrice did I stab him with this steel--in the back,
once--twice right through the heart; but he only laughed me to scorn,
and bade me tell Holkar that the steel was not yet forged which was to
inflict an injury upon him.”

I never saw a man in such a rage as Holkar was when I gave him this
somewhat imprudent message.

“Ah, lily-livered rogue!” shouted he out to me, “milk-blooded
unbeliever! pale-faced miscreant! lives he after insulting thy master
in thy presence! In the name of the prophet, I spit on thee, defy thee,
abhor thee, degrade thee! Take that, thou liar of the universe! and
that--and that--and that!”

Such are the frightful excesses of barbaric minds! every time this old
man said, “Take that,” he flung some article near him at the head of
the undaunted Gahagan--his dagger, his sword, his carbine, his richly
ornamented pistols, his turban covered with jewels, worth a hundred
thousand crores of rupees--finally, his hookah, snake mouthpiece,
silver-bell, chillum and all--which went hissing over my head, and
flattening into a jelly the nose of the Grand Vizier.

“Yock muzzee! my nose is off;” said the old man, mildly. “Will you have
my life, O Holkar? it is thine likewise!” and no other word of complaint
escaped his lips.

Of all these missiles, though a pistol and carbine had gone off as the
ferocious Indian flung them at my head, and the naked scimitar fiercely
but unadroitly thrown, had lopped off the limbs of one or two of the
musnuds as they sat trembling on their omrahs, yet, strange to say, not
a single weapon had hurt me. When the hubbub ceased, and the unlucky
wretches who had been the victims of this fit of rage had been removed,
Holkar’s good humor somewhat returned, and he allowed me to continue my
account of the fort; which I did, not taking the slightest notice of
his burst of impatience: as indeed it would have been the height of
impoliteness to have done for such accidents happened many times in the

“It is well that the Bobbachy has returned,” snuffled out the poor Grand
Vizier, after I had explained to the Council the extraordinary means of
defence possessed by the garrison. “Your star is bright, O Bahawder! for
this very night we had resolved upon an escalade of the fort, and we
had sworn to put every one of the infidel garrison to the edge of the

“But you have no battering train,” said I.

“Bah! we have a couple of ninety-six pounders, quite sufficient to
blow the gates open; and then, hey for a charge!” said Loll Mahommed,
a general of cavalry, who was a rival of Bobbachy’s, and contradicted,
therefore, every word I said. “In the name of Juggernaut, why wait for
the heavy artillery? Have we not swords? Have we not hearts? Mashallah!
Let cravens stay with Bobbachy, all true men will follow Loll Mahommed!
Allahhumdillah, Bismillah, Barikallah?” * and drawing his scimitar,
he waved it over his head, and shouted out his cry of battle. It was
repeated by many of the other omrahs; the sound of their cheers was
carried into the camp, and caught up by the men; the camels began to
cry, the horses to prance and neigh, the eight hundred elephants set up
a scream, the trumpeters and drummers clanged away at their instruments.
I never heard such a din before or after. How I trembled for my little
garrison when I heard the enthusiastic cries of this innumerable host!

     * The Major has put the most approved language into the
     mouths of his Indian characters.  Bismillah, Barikallah, and
     so on, according to the novelists, form the very essence of
     Eastern conversation.

There was but one way for it. “Sir,” said I, addressing Holkar, “go out
to-night and you go to certain death. Loll Mahommed has not seen the
fort as I have. Pass the gate if you please, and for what? to fall
before the fire of a hundred pieces of artillery; to storm another gate,
and then another, and then to be blown up, with Gahagan’s garrison in
the citadel. Who talks of courage? Were I not in your august presence,
O star of the faithful, I would crop Loll Mahommed’s nose from his face,
and wear his ears as an ornament in my own pugree! Who is there here
that knows not the difference between yonder yellow-skinned coward and
Gahagan Khan Guj--I mean Bobbachy Bahawder? I am ready to fight
one, two, three, or twenty of them, at broad-sword, small-sword,
single-stick, with fists if you please. By the holy piper, fighting is
like mate and dthrink to Ga--to Bobbachy, I mane--whoop! come on, you
divvle, and I’ll bate the skin off your ugly bones.”

This speech had very nearly proved fatal to me, for when I am agitated,
I involuntarily adopt some of the phraseology peculiar to my own
country; which is so un-eastern, that, had there been any suspicion as
to my real character, detection must indubitably have ensued. As it was,
Holkar perceived nothing, but instantaneously stopped the dispute. Loll
Mahommed, however, evidently suspected something, for, as Holkar, with a
voice of thunder, shouted out, “Tomasha (silence),” Loll sprang forward
and gasped out--

“My lord! my lord I this is not Bob--”

But he could say no more. “Gag the slave!” screamed out Holkar, stamping
with fury: and a turban was instantly twisted round the poor devil’s
jaws. “Ho, furoshes! carry out Loll Mahommed Khan, give him a hundred
dozen on the soles of his feet, set him upon a white donkey, and carry
him round the camp, with an inscription before him: ‘This is the way
that Holkar rewards the talkative.’”

I breathed again; and ever as I heard each whack of the bamboo falling
on Loll Mahommed’s feet, I felt peace returning to my mind, and thanked
my stars that I was delivered of this danger.

“Vizier,” said Holkar, who enjoyed Loll’s roars amazingly, “I owe you
a reparation for your nose: kiss the hand of your prince, O Saadut Alee
Beg Bimbukchee! be from this day forth Zoheir u Dowlut!”

The good old man’s eyes filled with tears. “I can bear thy severity, O
Prince,” said he; “I cannot bear thy love. Was it not an honor that your
Highness did me just now when you condescended to pass over the bridge
of your slave’s nose?”

The phrase was by all voices pronounced to be very poetical. The Vizier
retired, crowned with his new honors, to bed. Holkar was in high good

“Bobbachy,” said he, “thou, too, must pardon me. A propos, I have news
for thee. Your wife, the incomparable Puttee Rooge,” (white and red
rose,) has arrived in camp.”

“My WIFE, my lord!” said I, aghast.

“Our daughter, the light of thine eyes! Go, my son; I see thou art wild
with joy. The Princess’s tents are set up close by mine, and I know thou
longest to join her.”

My wife? Here was a complication truly!



I found Puneeree Muckun, with the rest of my attendants, waiting at
the gate, and they immediately conducted me to my own tents in the
neighborhood. I have been in many dangerous predicaments before that
time and since, but I don’t care to deny that I felt in the present
instance such a throbbing of the heart as I never have experienced when
leading a forlorn hope, or marching up to a battery.

As soon as I entered the tents a host of menials sprang forward, some to
ease me of my armor, some to offer me refreshments, some with hookahs,
attar of roses (in great quart-bottles), and the thousand delicacies of
Eastern life. I motioned them away. “I will wear my armor,” said I; “I
shall go forth to-night; carry my duty to the princess, and say I grieve
that to-night I have not the time to see her. Spread me a couch here,
and bring me supper here: a jar of Persian wine well cooled, a lamb
stuffed with pistachio-nuts, a pillaw of a couple of turkeys, a curried
kid--anything. Begone! Give me a pipe; leave me alone, and tell me when
the meal is ready.”

I thought by these means to put off the fair Puttee Rooge, and hoped to
be able to escape without subjecting myself to the examination of her
curious eyes. After smoking for a while, an attendant came to tell
me that my supper was prepared in the inner apartment of the tent
(I suppose that the reader, if he be possessed of the commonest
intelligence, knows that the tents of the Indian grandees are made of
the finest Cashmere shawls, and contain a dozen rooms at least, with
carpets, chimneys, and sash-windows complete). I entered, I say, into an
inner chamber, and there began with my fingers to devour my meal in the
Oriental fashion, taking, every now and then, a pull from the wine-jar,
which was cooling deliciously in another jar of snow.

I was just in the act of despatching the last morsel of a most savory
stewed lamb and rice, which had formed my meal, when I heard a scuffle
of feet, a shrill clatter of female voices, and, the curtain being flung
open, in marched a lady accompanied by twelve slaves, with moon faces
and slim waists, lovely as the houris in Paradise.

The lady herself, to do her justice, was as great a contrast to her
attendants as could possibly be: she was crooked, old, of the complexion
of molasses, and rendered a thousand times more ugly by the tawdry dress
and the blazing jewels with which she was covered. A line of yellow
chalk drawn from her forehead to the tip of her nose (which was further
ornamented by an immense glittering nose-ring), her eyelids painted
bright red, and a large dab of the same color on her chin, showed she
was not of the Mussulman, but the Brahmin faith--and of a very high
caste; you could see that by her eyes. My mind was instantaneously made
up as to my line of action.

The male attendants had of course quitted the apartment, as they heard
the well-known sound of her voice. It would have been death to them
to have remained and looked in her face. The females ranged themselves
round their mistress, as she squatted down opposite to me.

“And is this,” said she, “a welcome, O Khan! after six months’ absence,
for the most unfortunate and loving wife in all the world? Is this lamb,
O glutton! half so tender as thy spouse? Is this wine, O sot! half so
sweet as her looks?”

I saw the storm was brewing--her slaves, to whom she turned, kept up a
kind of chorus:--

“Oh, the faithless one!” cried they. “Oh, the rascal, the false one, who
has no eye for beauty, and no heart for love, like the Khanum’s!”

“A lamb is not so sweet as love,” said I gravely: “but a lamb has a good
temper; a wine-cup is not so intoxicating as a woman--but a wine-cup
has NO TONGUE, O Khanum Gee!” and again I dipped my nose in the
soul-refreshing jar.

The sweet Puttee Rooge was not, however, to be put off by my repartees;
she and her maidens recommenced their chorus, and chattered and stormed
until I lost all patience.

“Retire, friends,” said I, “and leave me in peace.”

“Stir, on your peril!” cried the Khanum.

So, seeing there was no help for it but violence, I drew out my pistols,
cocked them, and said, “O houris! these pistols contain each two balls:
the daughter of Holkar bears a sacred life for me--but for you!--by all
the saints of Hindustan, four of ye shall die if ye stay a moment longer
in my presence!” This was enough; the ladies gave a shriek, and skurried
out of the apartment like a covey of partridges on the wing.

Now, then, was the time for action. My wife, or rather Bobbachy’s wife,
sat still, a little flurried by the unusual ferocity which her lord had
displayed in her presence. I seized her hand and, gripping it close,
whispered in her ear, to which I put the other pistol:--“O Khanum,
listen and scream not; the moment you scream, you die!” She was
completely beaten: she turned as pale as a woman could in her situation,
and said, “Speak, Bobbachy Bahawder, I am dumb.”

“Woman,” said I, taking off my helmet, and removing the chain cape which
had covered almost the whole of my face--“I AM NOT THY HUSBAND--I am the
slaver of elephants, the world renowned GAHAGAN!”

As I said this, and as the long ringlets of red hair fell over my
shoulders (contrasting strangely with my dyed face and beard), I
formed one of the finest pictures that can possibly be conceived, and I
recommend it as a subject to Mr. Heath, for the next “Book of Beauty.”

“Wretch!” said she, “what wouldst thou?”

“You black-faced fiend,” said I, “raise but your voice, and you are

“And afterwards,” said she, “do you suppose that YOU can escape? The
torments of hell are not so terrible as the tortures that Holkar will
invent for thee.”

“Tortures, madam?” answered I, coolly. “Fiddlesticks! You will neither
betray me, nor will I be put to the torture: on the contrary, you will
give me your best jewels and facilitate my escape to the fort. Don’t
grind your teeth and swear at me. Listen, madam : you know this
dress and these arms;--they are the arms of your husband, Bobbachy
Bahawder--MY PRISONER. He now lies in yonder fort, and if I do not
return before daylight, at SUNRISE HE DIES: and then, when they send his
corpse back to Holkar, what will you, HIS WIDOW, do?”

“Oh!” said she, shuddering, “spare me, spare me!”

“I’ll tell you what you will do. You will have the pleasure of dying
along with him--of BEING ROASTED, madam: an agonizing death, from
which your father cannot save you, to which he will be the first man
to condemn and conduct you. Ha! I see we understand each other, and you
will give me over the cash-box and jewels.” And so saying I threw myself
back with the calmest air imaginable, flinging the pistols over to her.
“Light me a pipe, my love,” said I, “and then go and hand me over the
dollars; do you hear?” You see I had her in my power--up a tree, as
the Americans say, and she very humbly lighted my pipe for me, and then
departed for the goods I spoke about.

What a thing is luck! If Loll Mahommed had not been made to take that
ride round the camp, I should infallibly have been lost.

My supper, my quarrel with the princess, and my pipe afterwards, had
occupied a couple of hours of my time. The princess returned from her
quest, and brought with her the box, containing valuables to the amount
of about three millions sterling. (I was cheated of them afterwards,
but have the box still, a plain deal one.) I was just about to take my
departure, when a tremendous knocking, shouting, and screaming was heard
at the entrance of the tent. It was Holkar himself, accompanied by
that cursed Loll Mahommed, who, after his punishment, found his master
restored to good humor, and had communicated to him his firm conviction
that I was an impostor.

“Ho, Begum,” shouted he, in the ante-room (for he and his people could
not enter the women’s apartments), “speak, O my daughter! is your
husband returned?”

“Speak, madam,” said I, “or REMEMBER THE ROASTING.”

“He is, papa,” said the Begum.

“Are you sure? Ho! ho! ho!” (the old ruffian was laughing outside)--“are
you sure it is?--Ha! aha!--HE-E-E!”

“Indeed it is he, and no other. I pray you, father, to go, and to pass
no more such shameless jests on your daughter. Have I ever seen the face
of any other man?” And hereat she began to weep as if her heart would
break--the deceitful minx!

Holkar’s laugh was instantly turned to fury. “Oh, you liar and eternal
thief!” said he, turning round (as I presume, for I could only hear)
to Loll Mahommed, “to make your prince eat such monstrous dirt as this!
Furoshes, seize this man. I dismiss him from my service, I degrade him
from his rank, I appropriate to myself all his property: and hark ye,

Again I heard the whacks of the bamboos, and peace flowed into my soul.


Just as morn began to break, two figures were seen to approach the
little fortress of Futtyghur: one was a woman wrapped closely in a veil,
the other a warrior, remarkable for the size and manly beauty of his
form, who carried in his hand a deal box of considerable size. The
warrior at the gate gave the word and was admitted, the woman returned
slowly to the Indian camp. Her name was Puttee Rooge; his was--

G. O’G. G., M. H. E. I. C. S., C. I. H. A.



Thus my dangers for the night being overcome, I hastened with my
precious box into my own apartment, which communicated with another,
where I had left my prisoner, with a guard to report if he should
recover, and to prevent his escape. My servant, Ghorumsaug, was one of
the guard. I called him, and the fellow came, looking very much confused
and frightened, as it seemed, at my appearance.

“Why, Ghorumsaug,” said I, “what makes thee look so pale, fellow?” (he
was as white as a sheet.) “It is thy master, dost thou not remember
him?” The man had seen me dress myself in the Pitan’s clothes, but was
not present when I had blacked my face and beard in the manner I have

“O Bramah, Vishnu, and Mahomet!” cried the faithful fellow, “and do I
see my dear master disguised in this way? For heaven’s sake let me rid
you of this odious black paint; for what will the ladies say in the
ball-room, if the beautiful Feringhee should appear amongst them with
his roses turned into coal?”

I am still one of the finest men in Europe, and at the time of which
I write, when only two-and-twenty, I confess I WAS a little vain of
my personal appearance, and not very willing to appear before my dear
Belinda disguised like a blackamoor. I allowed Ghorumsaug to divest me
of the heathenish armor and habiliments which I wore; and having, with
a world of scrubbing and trouble, divested my face and beard of their
black tinge, I put on my own becoming uniform, and hastened to wait
on the ladies; hastened, I say,--although delayed would have been the
better word, for the operation of bleaching lasted at least two hours.

“How is the prisoner, Ghorumsaug?” said I, before leaving my apartment.

“He has recovered from the blow which the Lion dealt him; two men and
myself watch over him; and Macgillicuddy Sahib (the second in command)
has just been the rounds, and has seen that all was secure.”

I bade Ghorumsaug help me to put away my chest of treasure (my
exultation in taking it was so great that I could not help informing him
of its contents); and this done, I despatched him to his post near the
prisoner, while I prepared to sally forth and pay my respects to the
fair creatures under my protection. “What good after all have I
done,” thought I to myself, “in this expedition which I had so rashly
undertaken?” I had seen the renowned Holkar, I had been in the heart of
his camp; I knew the disposition of his troops, that there were eleven
thousand of them, and that he only waited for his guns to make a regular
attack on the fort. I had seen Puttee Rooge; I had robbed her (I say
ROBBED her, and I don’t care what the reader or any other man may think
of the act) of a deal box, containing jewels to the amount of three
millions sterling, the property of herself and husband.

Three millions in money and jewels! And what the deuce were money and
jewels to me or to my poor garrison? Could my adorable Miss Bulcher eat
a fricassee of diamonds, or, Cleopatra-like, melt down pearls to her
tea? Could I, careless as I am about food, with a stomach that would
digest anything--(once, in Spain, I ate the leg of a horse during a
famine, and was so eager to swallow this morsel that I bolted the shoe,
as well as the hoof, and never felt the slightest inconvenience from
either,)--could I, I say, expect to live long and well upon a ragout of
rupees, or a dish of stewed emeralds and rubies? With all the wealth of
Croesus before me I felt melancholy; and would have paid cheerfully its
weight in carats for a good honest round of boiled beef. Wealth, wealth,
what art thou? What is gold?--Soft metal. What are diamonds?--Shining
tinsel. The great wealth-winners, the only fame-achievers, the sole
objects worthy of a soldier’s consideration, are beefsteaks, gunpowder,
and cold iron.

The two latter means of competency we possessed; I had in my own
apartments a small store of gunpowder (keeping it under my own bed, with
a candle burning for fear of accidents); I had 14 pieces of artillery
(4 long 48’s and 4 carronades, 5 howitzers, and a long brass mortar, for
grape, which I had taken myself at the battle of Assaye), and muskets
for ten times my force. My garrison, as I have told the reader in a
previous number, consisted of 40 men, two chaplains, and a surgeon; add
to these my guests, 83 in number, of whom nine only were gentlemen (in
tights, powder, pigtails, and silk stockings, who had come out merely
for a dance, and found themselves in for a siege). Such were our

     Ladies                       74
     Troops and artillerymen      40
     Other non-combatants         11
     MAJOR-GEN. O’G. GAHAGAN    1000

I count myself good for a thousand, for so I was regularly rated in the
army: with this great benefit to it, that I only consumed as much as an
ordinary mortal. We were then, as far as the victuals went, 126 mouths;
as combatants we numbered 1,040 gallant men, with 12 guns and a fort,
against Holkar and his 12,000. No such alarming odds, if--

IF!--ay, there was the rub--IF we had SHOT, as well as powder for our
guns; IF we had not only MEN but MEAT. Of the former commodity we had
only three rounds for each piece. Of the latter, upon my sacred honor,
to feed 126 souls, we had but

     Two drumsticks of fowls, and a bone of ham.
     Fourteen bottles of ginger-beer.
     Of soda-water, four ditto.
     Two bottles of fine Spanish olives.
     Raspberry cream--the remainder of two dishes.
     Seven macaroons, lying in the puddle of a demolished trifle.
     Half a drum of best Turkey figs.
     Some bits of broken bread; two Dutch cheeses (whole); the crust
     of an old Stilton; and about an ounce of almonds and raisins.
     Three ham-sandwiches, and a pot of currant-jelly, and 197 bottles
     of brandy, rum, madeira, pale ale (my private stock); a couple
     of hard eggs for a salad, and a flask of Florence oil.

This was the provision for the whole garrison! The men after supper had
seized upon the relics of the repast, as they were carried off from the
table; and these were the miserable remnants I found and counted on
my return, taking good care to lock the door of the supper-room, and
treasure what little sustenance still remained in it.

When I appeared in the saloon, now lighted up by the morning sun, I not
only caused a sensation myself, but felt one in my own bosom, which was
of the most painful description. Oh, my reader! may you never behold
such a sight as that which presented itself: eighty-three men and women
in ball-dresses; the former with their lank powdered locks streaming
over their faces; the latter with faded flowers, uncurled wigs, smudged
rouge, blear eyes, draggling feathers, rumpled satins--each more
desperately melancholy and hideous than the other--each, except my
beloved Belinda Bulcher, whose raven ringlets never having been in curl,
could of course never go OUT of curl; whose cheek, pale as the lily,
could, as it may naturally be supposed, grow no paler; whose neck and
beauteous arms, dazzling as alabaster, needed no pearl-powder, and
therefore, as I need not state, did not suffer because the pearl-powder
had come off. Joy (deft link-boy!) lit his lamps in each of her eyes
as I entered. As if I had been her sun, her spring, lo! blushing roses
mantled in her cheek! Seventy-three ladies, as I entered, opened
their fire upon me, and stunned me with cross-questions, regarding my
adventures in the camp--SHE, as she saw me, gave a faint scream, (the
sweetest, sure, that ever gurgled through the throat of a woman!)
then started up--then made as if she would sit down--then moved
backwards--then tottered forwards--then tumbled into my--Psha! why
recall, why attempt to describe that delicious--that passionate greeting
of two young hearts? What was the surrounding crowd to US? What cared we
for the sneers of the men, the titters of the jealous women, the shrill
“Upon my word!” of the elder Miss Bulcher, and the loud expostulations
of Belinda’s mamma? The brave girl loved me, and wept in my arms.
“Goliah! my Goliah!” said she, “my brave, my beautiful, THOU art
returned, and hope comes back with thee. Oh! who can tell the anguish
of my soul, during this dreadful, dreadful night!” Other similar
ejaculations of love and joy she uttered; and if I HAD perilled life
in her service, if I DID believe that hope of escape there was none, so
exquisite was the moment of our meeting, that I forgot all else in this
overwhelming joy!


[The Major’s description of this meeting, which lasted at the very
most not ten seconds, occupies thirteen pages of writing. We have been
compelled to dock off twelve and a half; for the whole passage, though
highly creditable to his feelings, might possibly be tedious to the


As I said, the ladies and gentlemen were inclined to sneer, and were
giggling audibly. I led the dear girl to a chair, and, scowling round
with a tremendous fierceness, which those who know me know I can
sometimes put on, I shouted out, “Hark ye men and women--I am this
lady’s truest knight--her husband I hope one day to be. I am
commander, too, in this fort--the enemy is without it; another word of
mockery--another glance of scorn--and, by heaven, I will hurl every man
and woman from the battlements, a prey to the ruffianly Holkar!” This
quieted them. I am a man of my word, and none of them stirred or looked
disrespectfully from that moment.

It was now MY turn to make THEM look foolish. Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy
(whose unfailing appetite is pretty well known to every person who has
been in India) cried, “Well, Captain Gahagan, your ball has been so
pleasant, and the supper was despatched so long ago, that myself and the
ladies would be very glad of a little breakfast.” And Mrs. Van giggled
as if she had made a very witty and reasonable speech. “Oh! breakfast,
breakfast by all means,” said the rest; “we really are dying for a warm
cup of tea.”

“Is it bohay tay or souchong tay that you’d like, ladies?” says I.

“Nonsense, you silly man; any tea you like,” said fat Mrs. Van.

“What do you say, then, to some prime GUNPOWDER?” Of course they said it
was the very thing.

“And do you like hot rowls or cowld--muffins or crumpets--fresh
butter or salt? And you, gentlemen, what do you say to some ilegant
divvled-kidneys for yourselves, and just a trifle of grilled turkeys,
and a couple of hundthred new-laid eggs for the ladies?”

“Pooh, pooh! be it as you will, my dear fellow,” answered they all.

“But stop,” says I. “O ladies, O ladies: O gentlemen, gentlemen, that
you should ever have come to the quarters of Goliah Gahagan, and he been

“What?” said they, in a breath.

“Alas I alas! I have not got a single stick of chocolate in the whole

“Well, well, we can do without it.”

“Or a single pound of coffee.”

“Never mind; let that pass too.” (Mrs. Van and the rest were beginning
to look alarmed.)

“And about the kidneys--now I remember, the black divvles outside the
fort have seized upon all the sheep; and how are we to have kidneys
without them?” (Here there was a slight o--o--o!)

“And with regard to the milk and crame, it may be remarked that the
cows are likewise in pawn, and not a single drop can be had for money or
love: but we can beat up eggs, you know, in the tay, which will be just
as good.”

“Oh! just as good.”

“Only the divvle’s in the luck, there’s not a fresh egg to be had--no,
nor a fresh chicken,” continued I, “nor a stale one either; nor a
tayspoonful of souchong, nor a thimbleful of bohay; nor the laste taste
in life of butther, salt or fresh; nor hot rowls or cowld!”

“In the name of heaven!” said Mrs. Van, growing very pale, “what is
there, then?”

“Ladies and gentlemen, I’ll tell you what there is now,” shouted I.

     “Two drumsticks of fowls, and a bone of ham.
     Fourteen bottles of ginger-beer,” &c. &c. &c.

And I went through the whole list of eatables as before, ending with the
ham-sandwiches and the pot of jelly.

“Law! Mr. Gahagan,” said Mrs. Colonel Vandegobbleschroy, “give me the
ham-sandwiches--I must manage to breakfast off them.”

And you should have heard the pretty to-do there was at this modest
proposition! Of course I did not accede to it--why should I? I was the
commander of the fort, and intended to keep these three very sandwiches
for the use of myself and my dear Belinda. “Ladies,” said I, “there are
in this fort one hundred and twenty-six souls, and this is all the food
which is to last us during the siege. Meat there is none--of drink there
is a tolerable quantity; and at one o’clock punctually, a glass of wine
and one olive shall be served out to each woman: the men will receive
two glasses, and an olive and a fig--and this must be your food during
the siege. Lord Lake cannot be absent more than three days; and if he
be--why, still there is a chance--why do I say a chance?--a CERTAINTY of
escaping from the hands of these ruffians.”

“Oh, name it, name it, dear Captain Gahagan!” screeched the whole covey
at a breath.

“It lies,” answered I, “in the POWDER MAGAZINE. I will blow this fort,
and all it contains, to atoms, ere it becomes the prey of Holkar.”

The women, at this, raised a squeal that might have been heard in
Holkar’s camp, and fainted in different directions; but my dear Belinda
whispered in my ear, “Well done, thou noble knight! bravely said, my
heart’s Goliah!” I felt I was right: I could have blown her up twenty
times for the luxury of that single moment! “And now, ladies,” said I,
“I must leave you. The two chaplains will remain with you to administer
professional consolation--the other gentlemen will follow me up stairs
to the ramparts, where I shall find plenty of work for them.”



Loth as they were, these gentlemen had nothing for it but to obey,
and they accordingly followed me to the ramparts, where I proceeded
to review my men. The fort, in my absence, had been left in command of
Lieutenant Macgillicuddy, a countryman of my own (with whom, as may be
seen in an early chapter of my memoirs, I had an affair of honor); and
the prisoner Bobbachy Bahawder, whom I had only stunned, never wishing
to kill him, had been left in charge of that officer. Three of the
garrison (one of them a man of the Ahmednuggar Irregulars, my own
body-servant, Ghorumsaug above named,) were appointed to watch the
captive by turns, and never leave him out of their sight. The lieutenant
was instructed to look to them and to their prisoner, and as Bobbachy
was severely injured by the blow which I had given him, and was,
moreover, bound hand and foot, and gagged smartly with cords, I
considered myself sure of his person.

Macgillicuddy did not make his appearance when I reviewed my little
force, and the three havildars were likewise absent: this did not
surprise me, as I had told them not to leave their prisoner; but
desirous to speak with the lieutenant, I despatched a messenger to him,
and ordered him to appear immediately.

The messenger came back; he was looking ghastly pale: he whispered some
information into my ear, which instantly caused me to hasten to the
apartments where I had caused Bobbachy Bahawder to be confined.

The men had fled;--Bobbachy had fled; and in his place, fancy my
astonishment when I found--with a rope cutting his naturally wide
mouth almost into his ears--with a dreadful sabre-cut across his
forehead--with his legs tied over his head, and his arms tied between
his legs--my unhappy, my attached friend--Mortimer Macgillicuddy!

He had been in this position for about three hours--it was the very
position in which I had caused Bobbachy Bahawder to be placed--an
attitude uncomfortable, it is true, but one which renders escape
impossible, unless treason aid the prisoner.

I restored the lieutenant to his natural erect position: I poured half a
bottle of whiskey down the immensely enlarged orifice of his mouth, and
when he had been released, he informed me of the circumstances that had
taken place.

Fool that I was! idiot!--upon my return to the fort, to have been
anxious about my personal appearance, and to have spent a couple
of hours in removing the artificial blackening from my beard and
complexion, instead of going to examine my prisoner--when his escape
would have been prevented. O foppery, foppery!--it was that cursed love
of personal appearance which had led me to forget my duty to my general,
my country, my monarch, and my own honor!

Thus it was that the escape took place:--My own fellow of the
Irregulars, whom I had summoned to dress me, performed the operation to
my satisfaction, invested me with the elegant uniform of my corps, and
removed the Pitan’s disguise, which I had taken from the back of the
prostrate Bobbachy Bahawder. What did the rogue do next?--Why, he
carried back the dress to the Bobbachy--he put it, once more, on its
right owner; he and his infernal black companions (who had been won over
by the Bobbachy with promises of enormous reward), gagged Macgillicuddy,
who was going the rounds, and then marched with the Indian coolly up to
the outer gate, and gave the word. The sentinel, thinking it was myself,
who had first come in, and was as likely to go out again,--(indeed my
rascally valet said that Gahagan Sahib was about to go out with him
and his two companions to reconnoitre,)--opened the gates, and off they

This accounted for the confusion of my valet when I entered!--and
for the scoundrel’s speech, that the lieutenant had JUST BEEN THE
ROUNDS;--he HAD, poor fellow, and had been seized and bound in this
cruel way. The three men, with their liberated prisoner, had just been
on the point of escape, when my arrival disconcerted them: I had changed
the guard at the gate (whom they had won over likewise); and yet,
although they had overcome poor Mac, and although they were ready for
the start, they had positively no means for effecting their escape,
until I was ass enough to put means in their way. Fool! fool! thrice
besotted fool that I was, to think of my own silly person when I should
have been occupied solely with my public duty.

From Macgillicuddy’s incoherent accounts, as he was gasping from the
effects of the gag and the whiskey he had taken to revive him, and from
my own subsequent observations, I learned this sad story. A sudden and
painful thought struck me--my precious box!--I rushed back, I found that
box--I have it still. Opening it, there, where I had left ingots, sacks
of bright tomauns, kopeks and rupees, strings of diamonds as big as
ducks’ eggs, rubies as red as the lips of my Belinda, countless strings
of pearls, amethysts, emeralds, piles upon piles of bank-notes--I
found--a piece of paper! with a few lines in the Sanscrit language,
which are thus, word for word, translated:


             “(On disappointing a certain Major.)

          “The conquering Lion return’d with his prey,
           And safe in his cavern he set it,
           The sly little fox stole the booty away;
           And, as he escaped, to the lion did say,
           ‘AHA! don’t you wish you may get it?’”

Confusion! Oh, how my blood boiled as I read these cutting lines. I
stamped,--I swore,--I don’t know to what insane lengths my rage might
have carried me, had not at this moment a soldier rushed in, screaming,
“The enemy, the enemy!”



It was high time, indeed, that I should make my appearance. Waving my
sword with one hand, and seizing my telescope with the other, I at once
frightened and examined the enemy. Well they knew when they saw that
flamingo-plume floating in the breeze--that awful figure standing in the
breach--that waving war-sword sparkling in the sky--well, I say, they
knew the name of the humble individual who owned the sword, the plume,
and the figure. The ruffians were mustered in front, the cavalry behind.
The flags were flying, the drums, gongs, tambourines, violoncellos,
and other instruments of Eastern music, raised in the air a strange,
barbaric melody; the officers (yatabals), mounted on white dromedaries,
were seen galloping to and fro, carrying to the advancing hosts the
orders of Holkar.

You see that two sides of the fort of Futtyghur (rising as it does on
a rock that is almost perpendicular) are defended by the Burrumpooter
river, two hundred feet deep at this point, and a thousand yards wide,
so that I had no fear about them attacking me in THAT quarter. My guns,
therefore (with their six-and-thirty miserable charges of shot) were
dragged round to the point at which I conceived Holkar would be most
likely to attack me. I was in a situation that I did not dare to fire,
except at such times as I could kill a hundred men by a single discharge
of a cannon; so the attacking party marched and marched, very strongly,
about a mile and a half off, the elephants marching without receiving
the slightest damage from us, until they had come to within four hundred
yards of our walls (the rogues knew all the secrets of our weakness,
through the betrayal of the dastardly Ghorumsaug, or they never would
have ventured so near). At that distance--it was about the spot where
the Futtyghur hill began gradually to rise--the invading force stopped;
the elephants drew up in a line, at right angles with our wall (the
fools! they thought they should expose themselves too much by taking a
position parallel to it); the cavalry halted too, and--after the deuce’s
own flourish of trumpets and banging of gongs, to be sure,--somebody, in
a flame-colored satin-dress, with an immense jewel blazing in his pugree
(that looked through my telescope like a small but very bright planet),
got up from the back of one of the very biggest elephants, and began a

The elephants were, as I said, in a line formed with admirable
precision, about three hundred of them. The following little diagram
will explain matters:--

           ....................       |
                    E                 |
                                      | F

E is the line of elephants. F is the wall of the fort. G a gun in the
fort. NOW the reader will see what I did.

The elephants were standing, their trunks waggling to and fro gracefully
before them; and I, with superhuman skill and activity, brought the gun
G (a devilish long brass gun) to bear upon them. I pointed it myself;
bang! it went, and what was the consequence? Why, this:--

           ____________________       |__G
           ....................       |
                    E                 |
                                      | F

F is the fort, as before. G is the gun, as before. E, the elephants, as
we have previously seen them. What then is X? X IS THE LINE TAKEN BY THE
trunks, and only spent itself in the tusk of a very old animal, that
stood the hundred and thirty-fifth.

I say that such a shot was never fired before or since; that a gun
was never pointed in such a way. Suppose I had been a common man, and
contented myself with firing bang at the head of the first animal? An
ass would have done it, prided himself had he hit his mark, and what
would have been the consequence? Why, that the ball might have killed
two elephants and wounded a third; but here, probably, it would have
stopped, and done no further mischief. The TRUNK was the place at which
to aim; there are no bones there; and away, consequently, went the
bullet, shearing, as I have said, through one hundred and thirty-five
probosces. Heavens! what a howl there was when the shot took effect!
What a sudden stoppage of Holkar’s speech! What a hideous snorting of
elephants! What a rush backwards was made by the whole army, as if some
demon was pursuing them!

Away they went. No sooner did I see them in full retreat, than, rushing
forward myself, I shouted to my men, “My friends, yonder lies your
dinner!” We flung open the gates--we tore down to the spot where the
elephants had fallen: seven of them were killed; and of those that
escaped to die of their hideous wounds elsewhere, most had left their
trunks behind them. A great quantity of them we seized; and I myself,
cutting up with my scimitar a couple of the fallen animals, as a butcher
would a calf, motioned to the men to take the pieces back to the fort,
where barbacued elephant was served round for dinner, instead of
the miserable allowance of an olive and a glass of wine, which I had
promised to my female friends, in my speech to them. The animal reserved
for the ladies was a young white one--the fattest and tenderest I
ever ate, in my life: they are very fair eating, but the flesh has
an India-rubber flavor, which, until one is accustomed to it, is

It was well that I had obtained this supply, for, during my absence on
the works, Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy and one or two others had forced their
way into the supper-room, and devoured every morsel of the garrison
larder, with the exception of the cheeses, the olives, and the wine,
which were locked up in my own apartment, before which stood a sentinel.
Disgusting Mrs. Van! When I heard of her gluttony, I had almost a mind
to eat HER. However, we made a very comfortable dinner off the barbacued
steaks, and when everybody had done, had the comfort of knowing that
there was enough for one meal more.

The next day, as I expected, the enemy attacked us in great force,
attempting to escalade the fort; but by the help of my guns, and my good
sword, by the distinguished bravery of Lieutenant Macgillicuddy and
the rest of the garrison, we beat this attack off completely, the enemy
sustaining a loss of seven hundred men. We were victorious; but when
another attack was made, what were we to do? We had still a little
powder left, but had fired off all the shot, stones, iron-bars, &c. in
the garrison! On this day, too, we devoured the last morsel of our food:
I shall never forget Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy’s despairing look, as I
saw her sitting alone, attempting to make some impression on the little
white elephant’s roasted tail.

The third day the attack was repeated. The resources of genius are never
at an end. Yesterday I had no ammunition; to-day, I discovered charges
sufficient for two guns, and two swivels, which were much longer, but
had bores of about blunderbuss size.

This time my friend Loll Mahommed, who had received, as the reader may
remember, such a bastinadoing for my sake, headed the attack. The poor
wretch could not walk, but he was carried in an open palanquin, and
came on waving his sword, and cursing horribly in his Hindustan jargon.
Behind him came troops of matchlock-men, who picked off every one of
our men who showed their noses above the ramparts: and a great host of
blackamoors with scaling-ladders, bundles to fill the ditch, fascines,
gabions, culverins, demilunes, counterscarps, and all the other
appurtenances of offensive war.

On they came: my guns and men were ready for them. You will ask how my
pieces were loaded? I answer, that though my garrison were without food,
I knew my duty as an officer, and had put the two Dutch cheeses into the
two guns, and had crammed the contents of a bottle of olives into each

They advanced,--whish! went one of the Dutch cheeses,--bang! went the
other. Alas! they did little execution. In their first contact with an
opposing body, they certainly floored it but they became at once like so
much Welsh-rabbit, and did no execution beyond the man whom they struck

“Hogree, pogree, wongree-fum (praise to Allah and the forty-nine
Imaums!)” shouted out the ferocious Loll Mahommed when he saw the
failure of my shot. “Onward, sons of the Prophet! the infidel has no
more ammunition. A hundred thousand lakhs of rupees to the man who
brings me Gahagan’s head!”

His men set up a shout, and rushed forward--he, to do him justice, was
at the very head, urging on his own palanquin-bearers, and poking them
with the tip of his scimitar. They came panting up the hill: I was
black with rage, but it was the cold, concentrated rage of despair.
“Macgillicuddy,” said I, calling that faithful officer, “you know where
the barrels of powder are?” He did. “You know the use to make of them?”
 He did. He grasped my hand. “Goliah,” said he, “farewell! I swear that
the fort shall be in atoms, as soon as yonder unbelievers have carried
it. Oh, my poor mother!” added the gallant youth, as sighing, yet
fearless, he retired to his post.

I gave one thought to my blessed, my beautiful Belinda, and then,
stepping into the front, took down one of the swivels;--a shower of
matchlock balls came whizzing round my head. I did not heed them.

I took the swivel, and aimed coolly. Loll Mahommed, his palanquin, and
his men, were now not above two hundred yards from the fort. Loll
was straight before me, gesticulating and shouting to his men. I
fired--bang! ! !

I aimed so true, that one hundred and seventeen best Spanish olives were
lodged in a lump in the face of the unhappy Loll Mahommed. The wretch,
uttering a yell the most hideous and unearthly I ever heard, fell back
dead; the frightened bearers flung down the palanquin and ran--the whole
host ran as one man: their screams might be heard for leagues. “Tomasha,
tomasha,” they cried, “it is enchantment!” Away they fled, and the
victory a third time was ours. Soon as the fight was done, I flew back
to my Belinda. We had eaten nothing for twenty-four hours, but I forgot
hunger in the thought of once more beholding HER!

The sweet soul turned towards me with a sickly smile as I entered, and
almost fainted in my arms; but alas! it was not love which caused in her
bosom an emotion so strong--it was hunger! “Oh! my Goliah,” whispered
she, “for three days I have not tasted food--I could not eat that horrid
elephant yesterday; but now--oh! heaven! . . . .” She could say no
more, but sank almost lifeless on my shoulder. I administered to her a
trifling dram of rum, which revived her for a moment, and then rushed
down stairs, determined that if it were a piece of my own leg, she
should still have something to satisfy her hunger. Luckily I remembered
that three or four elephants were still lying in the field, having been
killed by us in the first action, two days before. Necessity, thought
I, has no law; my adorable girl must eat elephant, until she can get
something better.

I rushed into the court where the men were, for the most part,
assembled. “Men,” said I, “our larder is empty; we must fill it as we
did the day before yesterday. Who will follow Gahagan on a foraging
party?” I expected that, as on former occasions, every man would offer
to accompany me.

To my astonishment, not a soul moved--a murmur arose among the troops;
and at last one of the oldest and bravest came forward.

“Captain,” he said, “it is of no use; we cannot feed upon elephants for
ever; we have not a grain of powder left, and must give up the fort when
the attack is made to-morrow. We may as well be prisoners now as then,
and we won’t go elephant-hunting any more.”

“Ruffian!” I said, “he who first talks of surrender, dies!” and I cut
him down. “Is there any one else who wishes to speak?”

No one stirred.

“Cowards! miserable cowards!” shouted I; “what, you dare not move for
fear of death, at the hands of those wretches who even now fled before
your arms--what, do I say YOUR arms?--before MINE!--alone I did it; and
as alone I routed the foe, alone I will victual the fortress! Ho! open
the gate!”

I rushed out; not a single man would follow. The bodies of the elephants
that we had killed still lay on the ground where they had fallen, about
four hundred yards from the fort. I descended calmly the hill, a very
steep one, and coming to the spot, took my pick of the animals, choosing
a tolerably small and plump one, of about thirteen feet high, which the
vultures had respected. I threw this animal over my shoulders, and made
for the fort.

As I marched up the acclivity, whiz--piff--whir! came the balls over
my head; and pitter-patter, pitter-patter! they fell on the body of the
elephant like drops of rain. The enemy were behind me; I knew it, and
quickened my pace. I heard the gallop of their horse: they came nearer,
nearer; I was within a hundred yards of the fort--seventy--fifty!
I strained every nerve; I panted with the superhuman exertion--I
ran--could a man run very fast with such a tremendous weight on his

Up came the enemy; fifty horsemen were shouting and screaming at my
tail. O heaven! five yards more--one moment--and I am saved! It is
done--I strain the last strain--I make the last step--I fling forward my
precious burden into the gate opened wide to receive me and it, and--I
fall! The gate thunders to, and I am left ON THE OUTSIDE! Fifty knives
are gleaming before my bloodshot eyes--fifty black hands are at my
throat, when a voice exclaims, “Stop!--kill him not, it is Gujputi!” A
film came over my eyes--exhausted nature would bear no more.



When I awoke from the trance into which I had fallen, I found myself in
a bath, surrounded by innumerable black faces; and a Hindoo pothukoor
(whence our word apothecary) feeling my pulse and looking at me with an
air of sagacity.

“Where am I?” I exclaimed, looking round and examining the strange
faces, and the strange apartment which met my view. “Bekhusm!” said the
apothecary. “Silence! Gahagan Sahib is in the hands of those who know
his valor, and will save his life.”

“Know my valor, slave? Of course you do,” said I; “but the fort--the
garrison--the elephant--Belinda, my love--my darling--Macgillicuddy--the
scoundrelly mutineers--the deal bo-- . . . .”

I could say no more; the painful recollections pressed so heavily upon
my poor shattered mind and frame, that both failed once more. I fainted
again, and I know not how long I lay insensible.

Again, however, I came to my senses: the pothukoor applied restoratives,
and after a slumber of some hours I awoke, much refreshed. I had no
wound; my repeated swoons had been brought on (as indeed well they
might) by my gigantic efforts in carrying the elephant up a steep hill
a quarter of a mile in length. Walking, the task is bad enough: but
running, it is the deuce; and I would recommend any of my readers who
may be disposed to try and carry a dead elephant, never, on any account,
to go a pace of more than five miles an hour.

Scarcely was I awake, when I heard the clash of arms at my door
(plainly indicating that sentinels were posted there), and a single old
gentleman, richly habited, entered the room. Did my eyes deceive me? I
had surely seen him before. No--yes--no--yes--it WAS he: the snowy white
beard, the mild eyes, the nose flattened to a jelly, and level with the
rest of the venerable face, proclaimed him at once to be--Saadut Alee
Beg Bimbukchee, Holkar’s prime vizier; whose nose, as the reader
may recollect, his Highness had flattened with his kaleawn during my
interview with him in the Pitan’s disguise. I now knew my fate but too
well--I was in the hands of Holkar.

Saadut Alee Beg Bimbukchee slowly advanced towards me, and with a mild
air of benevolence, which distinguished that excellent man (he was torn
to pieces by wild horses the year after, on account of a difference with
Holkar), he came to my bedside, and taking gently my hand, said,
“Life and death, my son, are not ours. Strength is deceitful, valor is
unavailing, fame is only wind--the nightingale sings of the rose all
night--where is the rose in the morning? Booch, booch! it is withered by
a frost. The rose makes remarks regarding the nightingale, and where is
that delightful song-bird? Penabekhoda, he is netted, plucked, spitted,
and roasted! Who knows how misfortune comes? It has come to Gahagan

“It is well,” said I, stoutly, and in the Malay language. “Gahagan
Gujputi will bear it like a man.”

“No doubt--like a wise man and a brave one; but there is no lane so long
to which there is not a turning, no night so black to which there comes
not a morning. Icy winter is followed by merry spring-time--grief is
often succeeded by joy.”

“Interpret, O riddler!” said I; “Gahagan Khan is no reader of
puzzles--no prating mollah. Gujputi loves not words, but swords.”

“Listen, then, O Gujputi: you are in Holkar’s power.”

“I know it.”

“You will die by the most horrible tortures to-morrow morning.”

“I dare say.”

“They will tear your teeth from your jaws, your nails from your fingers,
and your eyes from your head.”

“Very possibly.”

“They will flay you alive, and then burn you.”

“Well; they can’t do any more.”

“They will seize upon every man and woman in yonder fort,”--it was not
then taken!--“and repeat upon them the same tortures.”

“Ha! Belinda! Speak--how can all this be avoided?”

“Listen. Gahagan loves the moon-face called Belinda.”

“He does, Vizier, to distraction.”

“Of what rank is he in the Koompani’s army?”

“A captain.”

“A miserable captain--oh shame! Of what creed is he?”

“I am an Irishman, and a Catholic.”

“But he has not been very particular about his religious duties?”

“Alas, no.”

“He has not been to his mosque for these twelve years?”

“‘Tis too true.”

“Hearken now, Gahagan Khan. His Highness Prince Holkar has sent me to
thee. You shall have the moon-face for your wife--your second wife, that
is;--the first shall be the incomparable Puttee Rooge, who loves you to
madness;--with Puttee Rooge, who is the wife, you shall have the wealth
and rank of Bobbachy Bahawder, of whom his Highness intends to get rid.
You shall be second in command of his Highness’s forces. Look, here
is his commission signed with the celestial seal, and attested by the
sacred names of the forty-nine Imaums. You have but to renounce your
religion and your service, and all these rewards are yours.”

He produced a parchment, signed as he said, and gave it to me (it was
beautifully written in Indian ink: I had it for fourteen years, but a
rascally valet, seeing it very dirty, WASHED it, forsooth, and washed
off every bit of the writing). I took it calmly, and said, “This is a
tempting offer. O Vizier, how long wilt thou give me to consider of it?”

After a long parley, he allowed me six hours, when I promised to give
him an answer. My mind, however, was made up--as soon as he was gone, I
threw myself on the sofa and fell asleep.


At the end of the six hours the Vizier came back: two people were with
him; one, by his martial appearance, I knew to be Holkar, the other I
did not recognize. It was about midnight.

“Have you considered?” said the Vizier as he came to my couch.

“I have,” said I, sitting up,--I could not stand, for my legs were tied,
and my arms fixed in a neat pair of steel handcuffs. “I have,” said I,
“unbelieving dogs! I have. Do you think to pervert a Christian gentleman
from his faith and honor? Ruffian blackamoors! do your worst; heap
tortures on this body, they cannot last long. Tear me to pieces: after
you have torn me into a certain number of pieces, I shall not feel it;
and if I did, if each torture could last a life, if each limb were
to feel the agonies of a whole body, what then? I would bear
all--all--all--all--all--ALL!” My breast heaved--my form dilated--my eye
flashed as I spoke these words. “Tyrants!” said I, “dulce et decorum est
pro patria mori.” Having thus clinched the argument, I was silent.

The venerable Grand Vizier turned away; I saw a tear trickling down his

“What a constancy,” said he. “Oh, that such beauty and such bravery
should be doomed so soon to quit the earth!”

His tall companion only sneered and said, “AND BELINDA--?”

“Ha!” said I, “ruffian, be still!--heaven will protect her spotless
innocence. Holkar, I know thee, and thou knowest ME too! Who, with his
single sword, destroyed thy armies? Who, with his pistol, cleft in twain
thy nose-ring? Who slew thy generals? Who slew thy elephants? Three
hundred mighty beasts went forth to battle: of these I slew one hundred
and thirty-five! Dog, coward, ruffian, tyrant, unbeliever! Gahagan hates
thee, spurns thee, spits on thee!”

Holkar, as I made these uncomplimentary remarks, gave a scream of rage,
and, drawing his scimitar, rushed on to despatch me at once (it was
the very thing I wished for), when the third person sprang forward, and
seizing his arm, cried--

“Papa! oh, save him!” It was Puttee Rooge! “Remember,” continued she,
“his misfortunes--remember, oh, remember my--love!”--and here she
blushed, and putting one finger into her mouth, and banging down her
head, looked the very picture of modest affection.

Holkar sulkily sheathed his scimitar, and muttered, “‘Tis better as it
is; had I killed him now, I had spared him the torture. None of this
shameless fooling, Puttee Rooge,” continued the tyrant, dragging her
away. “Captain Gahagan dies three hours from hence.” Puttee Rooge
gave one scream and fainted--her father and the Vizier carried her off
between them; nor was I loth to part with her, for, with all her love,
she was as ugly as the deuce.

They were gone--my fate was decided. I had but three hours more of life:
so I flung myself again on the sofa, and fell profoundly asleep. As it
may happen to any of my readers to be in the same situation, and to be
hanged themselves, let me earnestly entreat them to adopt this plan
of going to sleep, which I for my part have repeatedly found to be
successful. It saves unnecessary annoyance, it passes away a great deal
of unpleasant time, and it prepares one to meet like a man the coming


Three o’clock came: the sun was at this time making his appearance in
the heavens, and with it came the guards, who were appointed to conduct
me to the torture. I woke, rose, was carried out, and was set on the
very white donkey on which Loll Mahommed was conducted through the camp
after he was bastinadoed. Bobbachy Bahawder rode behind me, restored to
his rank and state; troops of cavalry hemmed us in on all sides; my ass
was conducted by the common executioner: a crier went forward, shouting
out, “Make way for the destroyer of the faithful--he goes to bear the
punishment of his crimes.” We came to the fatal plain: it was the very
spot whence I had borne away the elephant, and in full sight of the
fort. I looked towards it. Thank heaven! King George’s banner waved on
it still--a crowd were gathered on the walls--the men, the dastards
who had deserted me--and women, too. Among the latter I thought I
distinguished ONE who--O gods! the thought turned me sick--I trembled
and looked pale for the first time.

“He trembles! he turns pale,” shouted out Bobbachy Bahawder, ferociously
exulting over his conquered enemy.

“Dog!” shouted I--(I was sitting with my head to the donkey’s tail, and
so looked the Bobbachy full in the face)--“not so pale as you looked
when I felled you with this arm--not so pale as your women looked when
I entered your harem!” Completely chop-fallen, the Indian ruffian was
silent: at any rate, I had done for HIM.

We arrived at the place of execution. A stake, a couple of feet thick
and eight high, was driven in the grass: round the stake, about seven
feet from the ground, was an iron ring, to which were attached two
fetters; in these my wrists were placed. Two or three executioners stood
near, with strange-looking instruments: others were blowing at a fire,
over which was a caldron, and in the embers were stuck other prongs and
instruments of iron.

The crier came forward and read my sentence. It was the same in effect
as that which had been hinted to me the day previous by the Grand
Vizier. I confess I was too agitated to catch every word that was

Holkar himself, on a tall dromedary, was at a little distance. The
Grand Vizier came up to me--it was his duty to stand by, and see the
punishment performed. “It is yet time!” said he.

I nodded my head, but did not answer.

The Vizier cast up to heaven a look of inexpressible anguish, and with a
voice choking with emotion, said, “EXECUTIONER--DO--YOUR--DUTY!”

The horrid man advanced--he whispered sulkily in the ears of the Grand
Vizier, “Guggly ka ghee, hum khedgeree,” said he, “the oil does not boil
yet--wait one minute.” The assistants blew, the fire blazed, the oil was
heated. The Vizier drew a few feet aside: taking a large ladle full of
the boiling liquid, he advanced--


“Whish! bang, bang! pop!” the executioner was dead at my feet, shot
through the head; the ladle of scalding oil had been dashed in the face
of the unhappy Grand Vizier, who lay on the plain, howling. “Whish!
bang! pop! Hurrah!--charge!--forwards!--cut them down!--no quarter!”

I saw--yes, no, yes, no, yes!--I saw regiment upon regiment of galloping
British horsemen riding over the ranks of the flying natives. First of
the host, I recognized, O heaven! my AHMEDNUGGAR IRREGULARS! On came the
gallant line of black steeds and horsemen, swift, swift before them rode
my officers in yellow--Glogger, Pappendick, and Stuffle; their sabres
gleamed in the sun, their voices rung in the air. “D--- them!” they
cried, “give it them, boys!” A strength supernatural thrilled through my
veins at that delicious music: by one tremendous effort, I wrested the
post from its foundation, five feet in the ground. I could not release
my hands from the fetters, it is true; but, grasping the beam tightly,
I sprung forward--with one blow I levelled the five executioners in the
midst of the fire, their fall upsetting the scalding oil-can; with the
next, I swept the bearers of Bobbachy’s palanquin off their legs; with
the third, I caught that chief himself in the small of the back, and
sent him flying on to the sabres of my advancing soldiers!

The next minute, Glogger and Stuffle were in my arms, Pappendick leading
on the Irregulars. Friend and foe in that wild chase had swept far
away. We were alone; I was freed from my immense bar; and ten minutes
afterwards, when Lord Lake trotted up with his staff, he found me
sitting on it.

“Look at Gahagan,” said his lordship. “Gentlemen, did I not tell you we
should be sure to find him AT HIS POST?”

The gallant old nobleman rode on: and this was the famous BATTLE OF
FURRUCKABAD, OR SURPRISE OF FUTTYGHUR, fought on the 17th of November,


About a month afterwards, the following announcement appeared in the
Boggleywollah Hurkaru and other Indian papers:--“Married, on the 25th of
December, at Futtyghur, by the Rev. Dr. Snorter, Captain Goliah O’Grady
Gahagan, Commanding Irregular Horse, Abmednuggar, to Belinda,
second daughter of Major-General Bulcher, C.B. His Excellency the
Commander-in-Chief gave away the bride; and after a splendid dejeune,
the happy pair set off to pass the Mango season at Hurrygurrybang. Venus
must recollect, however, that Mars must not ALWAYS be at her side. The
Irregulars are nothing without their leader.”

Such was the paragraph--such the event--the happiest in the existence of

G. O’G. G., M. H. E. I. C. S., C. I. H. A.




It was in the good old days of chivalry, when every mountain that bathes
its shadow in the Rhine had its castle: not inhabited, as now, by a few
rats and owls, nor covered with moss and wallflowers, and funguses,
and creeping ivy. No, no! where the ivy now clusters there grew strong
portcullis and bars of steel; where the wallflower now quivers in the
rampart there were silken banners embroidered with wonderful heraldry;
men-at-arms marched where now you shall only see a bank of moss or a
hideous black champignon; and in place of the rats and owlets, I warrant
me there were ladies and knights to revel in the great halls, and
to feast, and to dance, and to make love there. They are passed
away:--those old knights and ladies: their golden hair first changed to
silver, and then the silver dropped off and disappeared for ever; their
elegant legs, so slim and active in the dance, became swollen and
gouty, and then, from being swollen and gouty, dwindled down to
bare bone-shanks; the roses left their cheeks, and then their cheeks
disappeared, and left their skulls, and then their skulls powdered into
dust, and all sign of them was gone. And as it was with them, so shall
it be with us. Ho, seneschal! fill me a cup of liquor! put sugar in it,
good fellow--yea, and a little hot water; a very little, for my soul is
sad, as I think of those days and knights of old.

They, too, have revelled and feasted, and where are they?--gone?--nay,
not altogether gone; for doth not the eye catch glimpses of them as they
walk yonder in the gray limbo of romance, shining faintly in their coats
of steel, wandering by the side of long-haired ladies, with long-tailed
gowns that little pages carry? Yes! one sees them: the poet sees them
still in the far-off Cloudland, and hears the ring of their clarions
as they hasten to battle or tourney--and the dim echoes of their lutes
chanting of love and fair ladies! Gracious privilege of poesy! It is as
the Dervish’s collyrium to the eyes, and causes them to see treasures
that to the sight of donkeys are invisible. Blessed treasures of fancy!
I would not change ye--no, not for many donkey-loads of gold. . . . Fill
again, jolly seneschal, thou brave wag; chalk me up the produce on the
hostel door--surely the spirits of old are mixed up in the wondrous
liquor, and gentle visions of bygone princes and princesses look blandly
down on us from the cloudy perfume of the pipe. Do you know in what
year the fairies left the Rhine?--long before Murray’s “Guide-Book”
 was wrote--long before squat steamboats, with snorting funnels, came
paddling down the stream. Do you not know that once upon a time the
appearance of eleven thousand British virgins was considered at Cologne
as a wonder? Now there come twenty thousand such annually, accompanied
by their ladies’-maids. But of them we will say no more--let us back to
those who went before them.

Many, many hundred thousand years ago, and at the exact period when
chivalry was in full bloom, there occurred a little history upon the
banks of the Rhine, which has been already written in a book, and hence
must be positively true. ‘Tis a story of knights and ladies--of love
and battle, and virtue rewarded; a story of princes and noble lords,
moreover: the best of company. Gentles, an ye will, ye shall hear it.
Fair dames and damsels, may your loves be as happy as those of the
heroine of this romaunt.

On the cold and rainy evening of Thursday, the 26th of October, in the
year previously indicated, such travellers as might have chanced to
be abroad in that bitter night, might have remarked a fellow-wayfarer
journeying on the road from Oberwinter to Godesberg. He was a man not
tall in stature, but of the most athletic proportions, and Time, which
had browned and furrowed his cheek and sprinkled his locks with gray,
declared pretty clearly that He must have been acquainted with the
warrior for some fifty good years. He was armed in mail, and rode a
powerful and active battle-horse, which (though the way the pair had
come that day was long and weary indeed,) yet supported the warrior, his
armor and luggage, with seeming ease. As it was in a friend’s country,
the knight did not think fit to wear his heavy destrier, or helmet,
which hung at his saddlebow over his portmanteau. Both were marked with
the coronet of a count; and from the crown which surmounted the helmet,
rose the crest of his knightly race, an arm proper lifting a naked

At his right hand, and convenient to the warrior’s grasp, hung his
mangonel or mace--a terrific weapon which had shattered the brains of
many a turbaned soldan; while over his broad and ample chest there
fell the triangular shield of the period, whereon were emblazoned his
arms--argent, a gules wavy, on a saltire reversed of the second: the
latter device was awarded for a daring exploit before Ascalon, by the
Emperor Maximilian, and a reference to the German Peerage of that day,
or a knowledge of high families which every gentleman then possessed,
would have sufficed to show at once that the rider we have described was
of the noble house of Hombourg. It was, in fact, the gallant knight Sir
Ludwig of Hombourg: his rank as a count, and chamberlain of the Emperor
of Austria, was marked by the cap of maintenance with the peacock’s
feather which he wore (when not armed for battle), and his princely
blood was denoted by the oiled silk umbrella which he carried (a very
meet protection against the pitiless storm), and which, as it is known,
in the middle ages, none but princes were justified in using. A bag,
fastened with a brazen padlock, and made of the costly produce of
the Persian looms (then extremely rare in Europe), told that he had
travelled in Eastern climes. This, too, was evident from the inscription
writ on card or parchment, and sewed on the bag. It first ran “Count
Ludwig de Hombourg, Jerusalem;” but the name of the Holy City had been
dashed out with the pen, and that of “Godesberg” substituted. So far
indeed had the cavalier travelled!--and it is needless to state that the
bag in question contained such remaining articles of the toilet as the
high-born noble deemed unnecessary to place in his valise.

“By Saint Bugo of Katzenellenbogen!” said the good knight, shivering,
“‘tis colder here than at Damascus! Marry, I am so hungry I could eat
one of Saladin’s camels. Shall I be at Godesberg in time for dinner?”
 And taking out his horologe (which hung in a small side-pocket of his
embroidered surcoat), the crusader consoled himself by finding that it
was but seven of the night, and that he would reach Godesberg ere the
warder had sounded the second gong.

His opinion was borne out by the result. His good steed, which could
trot at a pinch fourteen leagues in the hour, brought him to this famous
castle, just as the warder was giving the first welcome signal which
told that the princely family of Count Karl, Margrave of Godesberg,
were about to prepare for their usual repast at eight o’clock. Crowds
of pages and horse-keepers were in the court, when, the portcullis being
raised, and amidst the respectful salutes of the sentinels, the most
ancient friend of the house of Godesberg entered into its castle-yard.
The under-butler stepped forward to take his bridle-rein. “Welcome, Sir
Count, from the Holy Land!” exclaimed the faithful old man. “Welcome,
Sir Count, from the Holy Land!” cried the rest of the servants in the
hall. A stable was speedily found for the Count’s horse, Streithengst,
and it was not before the gallant soldier had seen that true animal well
cared for, that he entered the castle itself, and was conducted to his
chamber. Wax-candles burning bright on the mantel, flowers in china
vases, every variety of soap, and a flask of the precious essence
manufactured at the neighboring city of Cologne, were displayed on his
toilet-table; a cheering fire “crackled on the hearth,” and showed
that the good knight’s coming had been looked and cared for. The
serving-maidens, bringing him hot water for his ablutions, smiling
asked, “Would he have his couch warmed at eve?” One might have been sure
from their blushes that the tough old soldier made an arch reply. The
family tonsor came to know whether the noble Count had need of his
skill. “By Saint Bugo,” said the knight, as seated in an easy settle
by the fire, the tonsor rid his chin of its stubby growth, and
lightly passed the tongs and pomatum through “the sable silver” of his
hair,--“By Saint Bugo, this is better than my dungeon at Grand Cairo.
How is my godson Otto, master barber; and the lady countess, his mother;
and the noble Count Karl, my dear brother-in-arms?”

“They are well,” said the tonsor, with a sigh.

“By Saint Bugo, I’m glad on’t; but why that sigh?”

“Things are not as they have been with my good lord,” answered the
hairdresser, “ever since Count Gottfried’s arrival.”

“He here!” roared Sir Ludwig. “Good never came where Gottfried was!”
 and the while he donned a pair of silken hose, that showed admirably the
proportions of his lower limbs, and exchanged his coat of mail for the
spotless vest and black surcoat collared with velvet of Genoa, which was
the fitting costume for “knight in ladye’s bower,” the knight entered
into a conversation with the barber, who explained to him, with the
usual garrulousness of his tribe, what was the present position of the
noble family of Godesberg.

This will be narrated in the next chapter.



‘Tis needless to state that the gallant warrior Ludwig of Hombourg
found in the bosom of his friend’s family a cordial welcome. The
brother-in-arms of the Margrave Karl, he was the esteemed friend of the
Margravine, the exalted and beautiful Theodora of Boppum, and (albeit no
theologian, and although the first princes of Christendom coveted such
an honor,) he was selected to stand as sponsor for the Margrave’s son
Otto, the only child of his house.

It was now seventeen years since the Count and Countess had been united:
and although heaven had not blessed their couch with more than one
child, it may be said of that one that it was a prize, and that surely
never lighted on the earth a more delightful vision. When Count Ludwig,
hastening to the holy wars, had quitted his beloved godchild, he had
left him a boy; he now found him, as the latter rushed into his arms,
grown to be one of the finest young men in Germany: tall and excessively
graceful in proportion, with the blush of health mantling upon his
cheek, that was likewise adorned with the first down of manhood, and
with magnificent golden ringlets, such as a Rowland might envy, curling
over his brow and his shoulders. His eyes alternately beamed with the
fire of daring, or melted with the moist glance of benevolence. Well
might a mother be proud of such a boy. Well might the brave Ludwig
exclaim, as he clasped the youth to his breast, “By St. Bugo of
Katzenellenbogen, Otto, thou art fit to be one of Coeur de Lion’s
grenadiers!” and it was the fact: the “Childe” of Godesberg measured six
feet three.

He was habited for the evening meal in the costly, though simple attire
of the nobleman of the period--and his costume a good deal resembled
that of the old knight whose toilet we have just described; with the
difference of color, however. The pourpoint worn by young Otto of
Godesberg was of blue, handsomely decorated with buttons of carved and
embossed gold; his haut-de-chausses, or leggings, were of the stuff of
Nanquin, then brought by the Lombard argosies at an immense price from
China. The neighboring country of Holland had supplied his wrists and
bosom with the most costly laces; and thus attired, with an opera-hat
placed on one side of his head, ornamented with a single flower,
(that brilliant one, the tulip,) the boy rushed into his godfather’s
dressing-room, and warned him that the banquet was ready.

It was indeed: a frown had gathered on the dark brows of the Lady
Theodora, and her bosom heaved with an emotion akin to indignation; for
she feared lest the soups in the refectory and the splendid fish now
smoking there were getting cold: she feared not for herself, but for her
lord’s sake. “Godesberg,” whispered she to Count Ludwig, as trembling
on his arm they descended from the drawing-room, “Godesberg is sadly
changed of late.”

“By St. Bugo!” said the burly knight, starting, “these are the very
words the barber spake.”

The lady heaved a sigh, and placed herself before the soup-tureen. For
some time the good Knight Ludwig of Hombourg was too much occupied in
ladling out the forced-meat balls and rich calves’ head of which the
delicious pottage was formed (in ladling them out, did we say? ay,
marry, and in eating them, too,) to look at his brother-in-arms at the
bottom of the table, where he sat with his son on his left hand, and the
Baron Gottfried on his right.

The Margrave was INDEED changed. “By St. Bugo,” whispered Ludwig to the
Countess, “your husband is as surly as a bear that hath been wounded o’
the head.” Tears falling into her soup-plate were her only reply. The
soup, the turbot, the haunch of mutton, Count Ludwig remarked that the
Margrave sent all away untasted.

“The boteler will serve ye with wine, Hombourg,” said the Margrave
gloomily from the end of the table: not even an invitation to drink! how
different was this from the old times!

But when in compliance with this order the boteler proceeded to hand
round the mantling vintage of the Cape to the assembled party, and to
fill young Otto’s goblet, (which the latter held up with the eagerness
of youth,) the Margrave’s rage knew no bounds. He rushed at his son; he
dashed the wine-cup over his spotless vest: and giving him three or four
heavy blows which would have knocked down a bonassus, but only caused
the young Childe to blush: “YOU take wine!” roared out the Margrave;
“YOU dare to help yourself! Who time d-v-l gave YOU leave to help
yourself?” and the terrible blows were reiterated over the delicate ears
of the boy.

“Ludwig! Ludwig!” shrieked the Margravine.

“Hold your prate, madam,” roared the Prince. “By St. Buffo, mayn’t a
father beat his own child?”

“HIS OWN CHILD!” repeated the Margrave with a burst, almost a shriek of
indescribable agony. “Ah, what did I say?”

Sir Ludwig looked about him in amaze; Sir Gottfried (at the Margrave’s
right hand) smiled ghastily; the young Otto was too much agitated by the
recent conflict to wear any expression but that of extreme discomfiture;
but the poor Margravine turned her head aside and blushed, red almost as
the lobster which flanked the turbot before her.

In those rude old times, ‘tis known such table quarrels were by no
means unusual amongst gallant knights; and Ludwig, who had oft seen
the Margrave cast a leg of mutton at an offending servitor, or empty a
sauce-boat in the direction of the Margravine, thought this was but one
of the usual outbreaks of his worthy though irascible friend, and wisely
determined to change the converse.

“How is my friend,” said he, “the good knight, Sir Hildebrandt?”

“By Saint Buffo, this is too much!” screamed the Margrave, and actually
rushed from time room.

“By Saint Bugo,” said his friend, “gallant knights, gentle sirs, what
ails my good Lord Margave?”

“Perhaps his nose bleeds,” said Gottfried, with a sneer.

“Ah, my kind friend,” said the Margravine with uncontrollable emotion,
“I fear some of you have passed from the frying-pan into the fire.” And
making the signal of departure to the ladies, they rose and retired to
coffee in the drawing-room.

The Margrave presently came back again, somewhat more collected than he
had been. “Otto,” he said sternly, “go join the ladies: it becomes not a
young boy to remain in the company of gallant knights after dinner.”
 The noble Childe with manifest unwillingness quitted the room, and the
Margrave, taking his lady’s place at the head of the table, whispered
to Sir Ludwig, “Hildebrandt will be here to-night to an evening-party,
given in honor of your return from Palestine. My good friend--my true
friend--my old companion in arms, Sir Gottfried! you had best see that
the fiddlers be not drunk, and that the crumpets be gotten ready.” Sir
Gottfried, obsequiously taking his patron’s hint, bowed and left the

“You shall know all soon, dear Ludwig,” said the Margrave, with a
heart-rending look. “You marked Gottfried, who left the room anon?”

“I did.”

“You look incredulous concerning his worth; but I tell thee, Ludwig,
that yonder Gottfried is a good fellow, and my fast friend. Why should
he not be! He is my near relation, heir to my property: should I” (here
the Margrave’s countenance assumed its former expression of excruciating
agony),--“SHOULD I HAVE NO SON.”

“But I never saw the boy in better health,” replied Sir Ludwig.

“Nevertheless,--ha! ha!--it may chance that I shall soon have no son.”

The Margrave had crushed many a cup of wine during dinner, and Sir
Ludwig thought naturally that his gallant friend had drunken rather
deeply. He proceeded in this respect to imitate him; for the stern
soldier of those days neither shrunk before the Paynim nor the
punch-bowl: and many a rousing night had our crusader enjoyed in Syria
with lion-hearted Richard; with his coadjutor, Godfrey of Bouillon; nay,
with the dauntless Saladin himself.

“You knew Gottfried in Palestine?” asked the Margrave.

“I did.”

“Why did ye not greet him then, as ancient comrades should, with the
warm grasp of friendship? It is not because Sir Gottfried is poor? You
know well that he is of race as noble as thine own, my early friend!”

“I care not for his race nor for his poverty,” replied the blunt
crusader. “What says the Minnesinger? ‘Marry, that the rank is but the
stamp of the guinea; the man is the gold.’ And I tell thee, Karl of
Godesberg, that yonder Gottfried is base metal.”

“By Saint Buffo, thou beliest him, dear Ludwig.”

“By Saint Bugo, dear Karl, I say sooth. The fellow was known i’ the camp
of the crusaders--disreputably known. Ere he joined us in Palestine, he
had sojourned in Constantinople, and learned the arts of the Greek. He
is a cogger of dice, I tell thee--a chanter of horseflesh. He won
five thousand marks from bluff Richard of England the night before the
storming of Ascalon, and I caught him with false trumps in his pocket.
He warranted a bay mare to Conrad of Mont Serrat, and the rogue had
fired her.”

“Ha! mean ye that Sir Gottfried is a LEG?” cried Sir Karl, knitting his
brows. “Now, by my blessed patron, Saint Buffo of Bonn, had any other
but Ludwig of Hombourg so said, I would have cloven him from skull to

“By Saint Bugo of Katzenellenbogen, I will prove my words on Sir
Gottfried’s body--not on thine, old brother-in-arms. And to do the knave
justice, he is a good lance. Holy Bugo! but he did good service at Acre!
But his character was such that, spite of his bravery, he was dismissed
the army; nor even allowed to sell his captain’s commission.”

“I have heard of it,” said the Margrave; “Gottfried hath told me of it.
‘Twas about some silly quarrel over the wine-cup--a mere silly jape,
believe me. Hugo de Brodenel would have no black bottle on the board.
Gottfried was wroth, and to say sooth, flung the black bottle at the
county’s head. Hence his dismission and abrupt return. But you know
not,” continued the Margrave, with a heavy sigh, “of what use that
worthy Gottfried has been to me. He has uncloaked a traitor to me.”

“Not YET,” answered Hombourg, satirically.

“By Saint Buffo! a deep-dyed dastard! a dangerous, damnable traitor!--a
nest of traitors. Hildebranndt is a traitor--Otto is a traitor--and
Theodora (O heaven!) she--she is ANOTHER.” The old Prince burst into
tears at the word, and was almost choked with emotion.

“What means this passion, dear friend?” cried Sir Ludwig, seriously

“Mark, Ludwig! mark Hildebrandt and Theodora together: mark Hildebrandt
and OTTO together. Like, like I tell thee as two peas. O holy saints,
that I should be born to suffer this!--to have all my affections
wrenched out of my bosom, and to be left alone in my old age! But, hark!
the guests are arriving. An ye will not empty another flask of claret,
let us join the ladyes i’ the withdrawing chamber. When there, mark



The festival was indeed begun. Coming on horseback, or in their
caroches, knights and ladies of the highest rank were assembled in the
grand saloon of Godesberg, which was splendidly illuminated to receive
them. Servitors, in rich liveries, (they were attired in doublets of the
sky-blue broadcloth of Ypres, and hose of the richest yellow sammit--the
colors of the house of Godesberg,) bore about various refreshments
on trays of silver--cakes, baked in the oven, and swimming in melted
butter; manchets of bread, smeared with the same delicious condiment,
and carved so thin that you might have expected them to take wing and
fly to the ceiling; coffee, introduced by Peter the Hermit, after his
excursion into Arabia, and tea such as only Bohemia could produce,
circulated amidst the festive throng, and were eagerly devoured by the
guests. The Margrave’s gloom was unheeded by them--how little indeed is
the smiling crowd aware of the pangs that are lurking in the breasts
of those who bid them to the feast! The Margravine was pale; but woman
knows how to deceive; she was more than ordinarily courteous to her
friends, and laughed, though the laugh was hollow, and talked, though
the talk was loathsome to her.

“The two are together,” said the Margrave, clutching his friend’s
shoulder. “NOW LOOK!”

Sir Ludwig turned towards a quadrille, and there, sure enough, were Sir
Hildebrandt and young Otto standing side by side in the dance. Two eggs
were not more like! The reason of the Margrave’s horrid suspicion at
once flashed across his friend’s mind.

“‘Tis clear as the staff of a pike,” said the poor Margrave, mournfully.
“Come, brother, away from the scene; let us go play a game at cribbage!”
 and retiring to the Margravine’s boudoir, the two warriors sat down to
the game.

But though ‘tis an interesting one, and though the Margrave won, yet he
could not keep his attention on the cards: so agitated was his mind by
the dreadful secret which weighed upon it. In the midst of their play,
the obsequious Gottfried came to whisper a word in his patron’s ear,
which threw the latter into such a fury, that apoplexy was apprehended
by the two lookers-on. But the Margrave mastered his emotion. “AT WHAT
TIME, did you say?” said he to Gottfried.

“At daybreak, at the outer gate.”

“I will be there.”

“AND SO WILL I TOO,” thought Count Ludwig, the good Knight of Hombourg.



How often does man, proud man, make calculations for the future, and
think he can bend stern fate to his will! Alas, we are but creatures in
its hands! How many a slip between the lip and the lifted wine-cup! How
often, though seemingly with a choice of couches to repose upon, do we
find ourselves dashed to earth; and then we are fain to say the grapes
are sour, because we cannot attain them; or worse, to yield to anger in
consequence of our own fault. Sir Ludwig, the Hombourger, was NOT AT THE
OUTER GATE at daybreak.

He slept until ten of the clock. The previous night’s potations had been
heavy, the day’s journey had been long and rough. The knight slept as a
soldier would, to whom a featherbed is a rarity, and who wakes not till
he hears the blast of the reveille.

He looked up as he woke. At his bedside sat the Margrave. He had been
there for hours watching his slumbering comrade. Watching?--no, not
watching, but awake by his side, brooding over thoughts unutterably
bitter--over feelings inexpressibly wretched.

“What’s o’clock?” was the first natural exclamation of the Hombourger.

“I believe it is five o’clock,” said his friend. It was ten. It might
have been twelve, two, half-past four, twenty minutes to six, the
Margrave would still have said, “I BELIEVE IT IS FIVE O’CLOCK.” The
wretched take no count of time: it flies with unequal pinions, indeed,
for THEM.

“Is breakfast over?” inquired the crusader.

“Ask the butler,” said the Margrave, nodding his head wildly, rolling
his eyes wildly, smiling wildly.

“Gracious Bugo!” said the Knight of Hombourg, “what has ailed thee, my
friend? It is ten o’clock by my horologe. Your regular hour is nine.
You are not--no, by heavens! you are not shaved! You wear the tights and
silken hose of last evening’s banquet. Your collar is all rumpled--‘tis
that of yesterday. YOU HAVE NOT BEEN TO BED! What has chanced, brother
of mine: what has chanced?”

“A common chance, Louis of Hombourg,” said the Margrave: “one that
chances every day. A false woman, a false friend, a broken heart. THIS
has chanced. I have not been to bed.”

“What mean ye?” cried Count Ludwig, deeply affected. “A false friend? I
am not a false friend. A false woman? Surely the lovely Theodora, your

“I have no wife, Louis, now; I have no wife and no son.”


In accents broken by grief, the Margrave explained what had occurred.
Gottfried’s information was but too correct. There was a CAUSE for the
likeness between Otto and Sir Hildebrandt: a fatal cause! Hildebrandt
and Theodora had met at dawn at the outer gate. The Margrave had seen
them. They walked long together; they embraced. Ah! how the husband’s,
the father’s, feelings were harrowed at that embrace! They parted; and
then the Margrave, coming forward, coldly signified to his lady that she
was to retire to a convent for life, and gave orders that the boy should
be sent too, to take the vows at a monastery.

Both sentences had been executed. Otto, in a boat, and guarded by a
company of his father’s men-at-arms, was on the river going towards
Cologne, to the monastery of Saint Buffo there. The Lady Theodora, under
the guard of Sir Gottfried and an attendant, were on their way to
the convent of Nonnenwerth, which many of our readers have seen--the
beautiful Green Island Convent, laved by the bright waters of the Rhine!

“What road did Gottfried take?” asked the Knight of Hombourg, grinding
his teeth.

“You cannot overtake him,” said the Margrave. “My good Gottfried, he is
my only comfort now: he is my kinsman, and shall be my heir. He will be
back anon.”

“Will he so?” thought Sir Ludwig. “I will ask him a few questions ere he
return.” And springing from his couch, he began forthwith to put on
his usual morning dress of complete armor; and, after a hasty ablution,
donned, not his cap of maintenance, but his helmet of battle. He rang
the bell violently.

“A cup of coffee, straight,” said he, to the servitor who answered the
summons; “bid the cook pack me a sausage and bread in paper, and the
groom saddle Streithengst; we have far to ride.”

The various orders were obeyed. The horse was brought; the refreshments
disposed of; the clattering steps of the departing steed were heard in
the court-yard; but the Margrave took no notice of his friend, and sat,
plunged in silent grief, quite motionless by the empty bedside.



The Hombourger led his horse down the winding path which conducts from
the hill and castle of Godesberg into the beautiful green plain below.
Who has not seen that lovely plain, and who that has seen it has not
loved it? A thousand sunny vineyards and cornfields stretch around
in peaceful luxuriance; the mighty Rhine floats by it in silver
magnificence, and on the opposite bank rise the seven mountains robed in
majestic purple, the monarchs of the royal scene.

A pleasing poet, Lord Byron, in describing this very scene, has
mentioned that “peasant girls, with dark blue eyes, and hands that offer
cake and wine,” are perpetually crowding round the traveller in this
delicious district, and proffering to him their rustic presents. This
was no doubt the case in former days, when the noble bard wrote his
elegant poems--in the happy ancient days! when maidens were as yet
generous, and men kindly! Now the degenerate peasantry of the district
are much more inclined to ask than to give, and their blue eyes seem to
have disappeared with their generosity.

But as it was a long time ago that the events of our story occurred,
‘tis probable that the good Knight Ludwig of Hombourg was greeted
upon his path by this fascinating peasantry; though we know not how
he accepted their welcome. He continued his ride across the flat green
country until he came to Rolandseck, whence he could command the Island
of Nonnenwerth (that lies in the Rhine opposite that place), and all who
went to it or passed from it.

Over the entrance of a little cavern in one of the rocks hanging above
the Rhine-stream at Rolandseck, and covered with odoriferous cactuses
and silvery magnolias, the traveller of the present day may perceive a
rude broken image of a saint: that image represented the venerable Saint
Buffo of Bonn, the patron of the Margrave; and Sir Ludwig, kneeling on
the greensward, and reciting a censer, an ave, and a couple of acolytes
before it, felt encouraged to think that the deed he meditated was about
to be performed under the very eyes of his friend’s sanctified patron.
His devotion done (and the knight of those days was as pious as he
was brave), Sir Ludwig, the gallant Hombourger, exclaimed with a loud

“Ho! hermit! holy hermit, art thou in thy cell?”

“Who calls the poor servant of heaven and Saint Buffo?” exclaimed
a voice from the cavern; and presently, from beneath the wreaths of
geranium and magnolia, appeared an intensely venerable, ancient, and
majestic head--‘twas that, we need not say, of Saint Buffo’s solitary. A
silver beard hanging to his knees gave his person an appearance of great
respectability; his body was robed in simple brown serge, and girt with
a knotted cord: his ancient feet were only defended from the prickles
and stones by the rudest sandals, and his bald and polished head was

“Holy hermit,” said the knight, in a grave voice, “make ready thy
ministry, for there is some one about to die.”

“Where, son?”

“Here, father.”

“Is he here, now?”

“Perhaps,” said the stout warrior, crossing himself; “but not so if
right prevail.” At this moment he caught sight of a ferry-boat putting
off from Nonnenwerth, with a knight on board. Ludwig knew at once, by
the sinople reversed and the truncated gules on his surcoat, that it was
Sir Gottfried of Godesberg.

“Be ready, father,” said the good knight, pointing towards the advancing
boat; and waving his hand by way of respect to the reverend hermit,
without a further word, he vaulted into his saddle, and rode back for
a few score of paces; when he wheeled round, and remained steady. His
great lance and pennon rose in the air. His armor glistened in the
sun; the chest and head of his battle-horse were similarly covered with
steel. As Sir Gottfried, likewise armed and mounted (for his horse had
been left at the ferry hard by), advanced up the road, he almost started
at the figure before him--a glistening tower of steel.

“Are you the lord of this pass, Sir Knight?” said Sir Gottfried,
haughtily, “or do you hold it against all comers, in honor of your

“I am not the lord of this pass. I do not hold it against all comers. I
hold it but against one, and he is a liar and a traitor.”

“As the matter concerns me not, I pray you let me pass,” said Gottfried.

“The matter DOES concern thee, Gottfried of Godesberg. Liar and traitor!
art thou coward, too?”

“Holy Saint Buffo! ‘tis a fight!” exclaimed the old hermit (who, too,
had been a gallant warrior in his day); and like the old war-horse that
hears the trumpet’s sound, and spite of his clerical profession, he
prepared to look on at the combat with no ordinary eagerness, and
sat down on the overhanging ledge of the rock, lighting his pipe, and
affecting unconcern, but in reality most deeply interested in the event
which was about to ensue.

As soon as the word “coward” had been pronounced by Sir Ludwig, his
opponent, uttering a curse far too horrible to be inscribed here, had
wheeled back his powerful piebald, and brought his lance to the rest.

“Ha! Beauseant!” cried he. “Allah humdillah!” ‘Twas the battle-cry in
Palestine of the irresistible Knights Hospitallers. “Look to thyself,
Sir Knight, and for mercy from heaven! I will give thee none.”

“A Bugo for Katzenellenbogen!” exclaimed Sir Ludwig, piously: that, too,
was the well-known war-cry of his princely race.

“I will give the signal,” said the old hermit, waving his pipe.
“Knights, are you ready? One, two, three. LOS!” (let go.)

At the signal, the two steeds tore up the ground like whirlwinds;
the two knights, two flashing perpendicular masses of steel, rapidly
converged; the two lances met upon the two shields of either, and
shivered, splintered, shattered into ten hundred thousand pieces, which
whirled through the air here and there, among the rocks, or in the
trees, or in the river. The two horses fell back trembling on their
haunches, where they remained for half a minute or so.

“Holy Buffo! a brave stroke!” said the old hermit. “Marry, but a
splinter wellnigh took off my nose!” The honest hermit waved his pipe
in delight, not perceiving that one of the splinters had carried off the
head of it, and rendered his favorite amusement impossible. “Ha! they
are to it again! O my! how they go to with their great swords! Well
stricken, gray! Well parried, piebald! Ha, that was a slicer! Go it,
piebald! go it, gray!--go it, gray! go it, pie--Peccavi! peccavi!” said
the old man, here suddenly closing his eyes, and falling down on his
knees. “I forgot I was a man of peace.” And the next moment, muttering
a hasty matin, he sprung down the ledge of rock, and was by the side of
the combatants.

The battle was over. Good knight as Sir Gottfried was, his strength
and skill had not been able to overcome Sir Ludwig the Hombourger, with
RIGHT on his side. He was bleeding at every point of his armor: he had
been run through the body several times, and a cut in tierce, delivered
with tremendous dexterity, had cloven the crown of his helmet of
Damascus steel, and passing through the cerebellum and sensorium, had
split his nose almost in twain.

His mouth foaming--his face almost green--his eyes full of blood--his
brains spattered over his forehead, and several of his teeth knocked
out,--the discomfited warrior presented a ghastly spectacle, as, reeling
under the effects of the last tremendous blow which the Knight of
Hombourg dealt, Sir Gottfried fell heavily from the saddle of his
piebald charger; the frightened animal whisked his tail wildly with a
shriek and a snort, plunged out his hind legs, trampling for one moment
upon the feet of the prostrate Gottfried, thereby causing him to shriek
with agony, and then galloped away riderless.

Away! ay, away!--away amid the green vineyards and golden cornfields;
away up the steep mountains, where he frightened the eagles in their
eyries; away down the clattering ravines, where the flashing cataracts
tumble; away through the dark pine-forests, where the hungry wolves are
howling away over the dreary wolds, where the wild wind walks alone;
away through the plashing quagmires, where the will-o’-the-wisp slunk
frightened among the reeds; away through light and darkness, storm
and sunshine; away by tower and town, high-road and hamlet. Once a
turnpike-man would have detained him; but, ha! ha! he charged the pike,
and cleared it at a bound. Once the Cologne Diligence stopped the way:
he charged the Diligence, he knocked off the cap of the conductor on the
roof, and yet galloped wildly, madly, furiously, irresistibly on! Brave
horse! gallant steed! snorting child of Araby! On went the horse, over
mountains, rivers, turnpikes, apple-women; and never stopped until he
reached a livery-stable in Cologne where his master was accustomed to
put him up.



But we have forgotten, meanwhile, that prostrate individual. Having
examined the wounds in his side, legs, head, and throat, the old hermit
(a skilful leech) knelt down by the side of the vanquished one and said,
“Sir Knight, it is my painful duty to state to you that you are in an
exceedingly dangerous condition, and will not probably survive.”

“Say you so, Sir Priest? then ‘tis time I make my confession. Hearken
you, Priest, and you, Sir Knight, whoever you be.”

Sir Ludwig (who, much affected by the scene, had been tying his horse up
to a tree), lifted his visor and said, “Gottfried of Godesberg! I am the
friend of thy kinsman, Margrave Karl, whose happiness thou hast ruined;
I am the friend of his chaste and virtuous lady, whose fair fame thou
hast belied; I am the godfather of young Count Otto, whose heritage thou
wouldst have appropriated. Therefore I met thee in deadly fight, and
overcame thee, and have wellnigh finished thee. Speak on.”

“I have done all this,” said the dying man, “and here, in my last hour,
repent me. The Lady Theodora is a spotless lady; the youthful Otto
the true son of his father--Sir Hildebrandt is not his father, but his

“Gracious Buffo!” “Celestial Bugo!” here said the hermit and the Knight
of Hombourg simultaneously, clasping their hands.

“Yes, his uncle; but with the BAR-SINISTER in his scutcheon. Hence
he could never be acknowledged by the family; hence, too, the Lady
Theodora’s spotless purity (though the young people had been brought up
together) could never be brought to own the relationship.”

“May I repeat your confession?” asked the hermit.

“With the greatest pleasure in life: carry my confession to the
Margrave, and pray him give me pardon. Were there--a notary-public
present,” slowly gasped the knight, the film of dissolution glazing
over his eyes, “I would ask--you--two--gentlemen to witness it. I would
gladly--sign the deposition--that is, if I could wr-wr-wr-wr-ite!” A
faint shuddering smile--a quiver, a gasp, a gurgle--the blood gushed
from his mouth in black volumes . . . .

“He will never sin more,” said the hermit, solemnly.

“May heaven assoilzie him!” said Sir Ludwig. “Hermit, he was a gallant
knight. He died with harness on his back and with truth on his lips:
Ludwig of Hombourg would ask no other death. . . . .”

An hour afterwards the principal servants at the Castle of Godesberg
were rather surprised to see the noble Lord Louis trot into the
court-yard of the castle, with a companion on the crupper of his saddle.
‘Twas the venerable hermit of Rolandseck, who, for the sake of greater
celerity, had adopted this undignified conveyance, and whose appearance
and little dumpy legs might well create hilarity among the “pampered
menials” who are always found lounging about the houses of the great.
He skipped off the saddle with considerable lightness however; and Sir
Ludwig, taking the reverend man by the arm and frowning the jeering
servitors into awe, bade one of them lead him to the presence of his
Highness the Margrave.

“What has chanced?” said the inquisitive servitor. “The riderless
horse of Sir Gottfried was seen to gallop by the outer wall anon. The
Margrave’s Grace has never quitted your lordship’s chamber, and sits as
one distraught.”

“Hold thy prate, knave, and lead us on!” And so saying, the Knight and
his Reverence moved into the well-known apartment, where, according to
the servitor’s description, the wretched Margrave sat like a stone.

Ludwig took one of the kind broken-hearted man’s hands, the hermit
seized the other, and began (but on account of his great age, with a
prolixity which we shall not endeavor to imitate) to narrate the events
which we have already described. Let the dear reader fancy, while his
Reverence speaks, the glazed eyes of the Margrave gradually lighting up
with attention; the flush of joy which mantles in his countenance--the
start--the throb--the almost delirious outburst of hysteric exultation
with which, when the whole truth was made known, he clasped the two
messengers of glad tidings to his breast, with an energy that almost
choked the aged recluse! “Ride, ride this instant to the Margravine--say
I have wronged her, that it is all right, that she may come back--that
I forgive her--that I apologize if you will”--and a secretary forthwith
despatched a note to that effect, which was carried off by a fleet

“Now write to the Superior of the monastery at Cologne, and bid him send
me back my boy, my darling, my Otto--my Otto of roses!” said the fond
father, making the first play upon words he had ever attempted in his
life. But what will not paternal love effect? The secretary (smiling
at the joke) wrote another letter, and another fleet messenger was
despatched on another horse.

“And now,” said Sir Ludwig, playfully, “let us to lunch. Holy hermit,
are you for a snack?”

The hermit could not say nay on an occasion so festive, and the three
gentles seated themselves to a plenteous repast; for which the remains
of the feast of yesterday offered, it need not be said, ample means.

“They will be home by dinner-time,” said the exulting father. “Ludwig!
reverend hermit! we will carry on till then.” And the cup passed gayly
round, and the laugh and jest circulated, while the three happy friends
sat confidentially awaiting the return of the Margravine and her son.

But alas! said we not rightly at the commencement of a former chapter,
that betwixt the lip and the raised wine-cup there is often many a
spill? that our hopes are high, and often, too often, vain? About three
hours after the departure of the first messenger, he returned, and with
an exceedingly long face knelt down and presented to the Margrave a
billet to the following effect:--


“SIR--I have submitted too long to your ill-usage, and am disposed
to bear it no more. I will no longer be made the butt of your ribald
satire, and the object of your coarse abuse. Last week you threatened me
with your cane! On Tuesday last you threw a wine-decanter at me, which
hit the butler, it is true, but the intention was evident. This morning,
in the presence of all the servants, you called me by the most vile,
abominable name, which heaven forbid I should repeat! You dismissed me
from your house under a false accusation. You sent me to this odious
convent to be immured for life. Be it so! I will not come back, because,
forsooth; you relent. Anything is better than a residence with a wicked,
coarse, violent, intoxicated, brutal monster like yourself. I remain
here for ever and blush to be obliged to sign myself


“P.S.--I hope you do not intend to keep all my best gowns, jewels, and
wearing-apparel; and make no doubt you dismissed me from your house in
order to make way for some vile hussy, whose eyes I would like to tear
out. T. V. G.”



This singular document, illustrative of the passions of women at all
times, and particularly of the manners of the early ages, struck dismay
into the heart of the Margrave.

“Are her ladyship’s insinuations correct?” asked the hermit, in a
severe tone. “To correct a wife with a cane is a venial, I may say a
justifiable practice; but to fling a bottle at her is ruin both to the
liquor and to her.”

“But she sent a carving-knife at me first,” said the heartbroken
husband. “O jealousy, cursed jealousy, why, why did I ever listen to thy
green and yellow tongue?”

“They quarrelled; but they loved each other sincerely,” whispered Sir
Ludwig to the hermit: who began to deliver forthwith a lecture upon
family discord and marital authority, which would have sent his two
hearers to sleep, but for the arrival of the second messenger, whom the
Margrave had despatched to Cologne for his son. This herald wore a still
longer face than that of his comrade who preceded him.

“Where is my darling?” roared the agonized parent. “Have ye brought him
with ye?”

“N--no,” said the man, hesitating.

“I will flog the knave soundly when he comes,” cried the father, vainly
endeavoring, under an appearance of sternness, to hide his inward
emotion and tenderness.

“Please, your Highness,” said the messenger, making a desperate effort,
“Count Otto is not at the convent.”

“Know ye, knave, where he is?”

The swain solemnly said, “I do. He is THERE.” He pointed as he spake
to the broad Rhine, that was seen from the casement, lighted up by the
magnificent hues of sunset.

“THERE! How mean ye THERE?” gasped the Margrave, wrought to a pitch of
nervous fury.

“Alas! my good lord, when he was in the boat which was to conduct him to
the convent, he--he jumped suddenly from it, and is dr--dr--owned.”

“Carry that knave out and hang him!” said the Margrave, with a calmness
more dreadful than any outburst of rage. “Let every man of the boat’s
crew be blown from the mouth of the cannon on the tower--except the
coxswain, and let him be--”

What was to be done with the coxswain, no one knows; for at that moment,
and overcome by his emotion, the Margrave sank down lifeless on the



It must be clear to the dullest intellect (if amongst our readers we
dare venture to presume that a dull intellect should be found) that the
cause of the Margrave’s fainting-fit, described in the last chapter,
was a groundless apprehension on the part of that too solicitous and
credulous nobleman regarding the fate of his beloved child. No, young
Otto was NOT drowned. Was ever hero of romantic story done to death so
early in the tale? Young Otto was NOT drowned. Had such been the case,
the Lord Margrave would infallibly have died at the close of the last
chapter; and a few gloomy sentences at its close would have denoted
how the lovely Lady Theodora became insane in the convent, and how Sir
Ludwig determined, upon the demise of the old hermit (consequent upon
the shock of hearing the news), to retire to the vacant hermitage, and
assume the robe, the beard, the mortifications of the late venerable and
solitary ecclesiastic. Otto was NOT drowned, and all those personages of
our history are consequently alive and well.

The boat containing the amazed young Count--for he knew not the cause of
his father’s anger, and hence rebelled against the unjust sentence which
the Margrave had uttered--had not rowed many miles, when the gallant boy
rallied from his temporary surprise and despondency, and determined
not to be a slave in any convent of any order: determined to make a
desperate effort for escape. At a moment when the men were pulling hard
against the tide, and Kuno, the coxswain, was looking carefully to
steer the barge between some dangerous rocks and quicksands which are
frequently met with in the majestic though dangerous river, Otto gave
a sudden spring from the boat, and with one single flounce was in the
boiling, frothing, swirling eddy of the stream.

Fancy the agony of the crew at the disappearance of their young lord!
All loved him; all would have given their lives for him; but as they
did not know how to swim, of course they declined to make any useless
plunges in search of him, and stood on their oars in mute wonder and
grief. ONCE, his fair head and golden ringlets were seen to arise from
the water; TWICE, puffing and panting, it appeared for an instant again;
THRICE, it rose but for one single moment: it was the last chance, and
it sunk, sunk, sunk. Knowing the reception they would meet with from
their liege lord, the men naturally did not go home to Godesberg, but
putting in at the first creek on the opposite bank, fled into the Duke
of Nassau’s territory; where, as they have little to do with our tale,
we will leave them.

But they little knew how expert a swimmer was young Otto. He had
disappeared, it is true; but why? because he HAD DIVED. He calculated
that his conductors would consider him drowned, and the desire
of liberty lending him wings, (or we had rather say FINS, in this
instance,) the gallant boy swam on beneath the water, never lifting his
head for a single moment between Godesberg and Cologne--the distance
being twenty-five or thirty miles.

Escaping from observation, he landed on the Deutz side of the river,
repaired to a comfortable and quiet hostel there, saying he had had
an accident from a boat, and thus accounting for the moisture of his
habiliments, and while these were drying before a fire in his chamber,
went snugly to bed, where he mused, not without amaze, on the strange
events of the day. “This morning,” thought he, “a noble, and heir to
a princely estate--this evening an outcast, with but a few bank-notes
which my mamma luckily gave me on my birthday. What a strange entry
into life is this for a young man of my family! Well, I have courage and
resolution: my first attempt in life has been a gallant and successful
one; other dangers will be conquered by similar bravery.” And
recommending himself, his unhappy mother, and his mistaken father to the
care of their patron saint, Saint Buffo, the gallant-hearted boy
fell presently into such a sleep as only the young, the healthy, the
innocent, and the extremely fatigued can enjoy.

The fatigues of the day (and very few men but would be fatigued after
swimming wellnigh thirty miles under water) caused young Otto to sleep
so profoundly, that he did not remark how, after Friday’s sunset, as
a natural consequence, Saturday’s Phoebus illumined the world, ay, and
sunk at his appointed hour. The serving-maidens of the hostel, peeping
in, marked him sleeping, and blessing him for a pretty youth, tripped
lightly from the chamber; the boots tried haply twice or thrice to call
him (as boots will fain), but the lovely boy, giving another snore,
turned on his side, and was quite unconscious of the interruption. In a
word, the youth slept for six-and-thirty hours at an elongation; and the
Sunday sun was shining and the bells of the hundred churches of Cologne
were clinking and tolling in pious festivity, and the burghers and
burgheresses of the town were trooping to vespers and morning service
when Otto awoke.

As he donned his clothes of the richest Genoa velvet, the astonished
boy could not at first account for his difficulty in putting them on.
“Marry,” said he, “these breeches that my blessed mother” (tears filled
his fine eyes as he thought of her)--“that my blessed mother had made
long on purpose, are now ten inches too short for me. Whir-r-r! my coat
cracks i’ the back, as in vain I try to buckle it round me; and the
sleeves reach no farther than my elbows! What is this mystery? Am I
grown fat and tall in a single night? Ah! ah! ah! ah! I have it.”

The young and good-humored Childe laughed merrily. He bethought him
of the reason of his mistake: his garments had shrunk from being
five-and-twenty miles under water.

But one remedy presented itself to his mind; and that we need not
say was to purchase new ones. Inquiring the way to the most genteel
ready-made-clothes’ establishment in the city of Cologne, and finding
it was kept in the Minoriten Strasse, by an ancestor of the celebrated
Moses of London, the noble Childe hied him towards the emporium; but you
may be sure did not neglect to perform his religious duties by the way.
Entering the cathedral, he made straight for the shrine of Saint Buffo,
and hiding himself behind a pillar there (fearing he might be recognized
by the archbishop, or any of his father’s numerous friends in Cologne),
he proceeded with his devotions, as was the practice of the young nobles
of the age.

But though exceedingly intent upon the service, yet his eye could not
refrain from wandering a LITTLE round about him, and he remarked
with surprise that the whole church was filled with archers; and he
remembered, too, that he had seen in the streets numerous other bands
of men similarly attired in green. On asking at the cathedral porch
the cause of this assemblage, one of the green ones said (in a jape),
“Marry, youngster, YOU must be GREEN, not to know that we are all bound
to the castle of his Grace Duke Adolf of Cleves, who gives an archery
meeting once a year, and prizes for which we toxophilites muster

Otto, whose course hitherto had been undetermined, now immediately
settled what to do. He straightway repaired to the ready-made emporium
of Herr Moses, and bidding that gentleman furnish him with an archer’s
complete dress, Moses speedily selected a suit from his vast stock,
which fitted the youth to a T, and we need not say was sold at an
exceedingly moderate price. So attired (and bidding Herr Moses a cordial
farewell), young Otto was a gorgeous, a noble, a soul-inspiring boy to
gaze on. A coat and breeches of the most brilliant pea-green, ornamented
with a profusion of brass buttons, and fitting him with exquisite
tightness, showed off a figure unrivalled for slim symmetry. His feet
were covered with peaked buskins of buff leather, and a belt round his
slender waist, of the same material, held his knife, his tobacco-pipe
and pouch, and his long shining dirk; which, though the adventurous
youth had as yet only employed it to fashion wicket-bails, or to cut
bread-and-cheese, he was now quite ready to use against the enemy. His
personal attractions were enhanced by a neat white hat, flung carelessly
and fearlessly on one side of his open smiling countenance; and his
lovely hair, curling in ten thousand yellow ringlets, fell over his
shoulder like golden epaulettes, and down his back as far as the
waist-buttons of his coat. I warrant me, many a lovely Colnerinn looked
after the handsome Childe with anxiety, and dreamed that night of Cupid
under the guise of “a bonny boy in green.”

So accoutred, the youth’s next thought was, that he must supply himself
with a bow. This he speedily purchased at the most fashionable bowyer’s,
and of the best material and make. It was of ivory, trimmed with pink
ribbon, and the cord of silk. An elegant quiver, beautifully painted
and embroidered, was slung across his back, with a dozen of the finest
arrows, tipped with steel of Damascus, formed of the branches of the
famous Upas-tree of Java, and feathered with the wings of the ortolan.
These purchases being completed (together with that of a knapsack,
dressing-case, change, &c.), our young adventurer asked where was the
hostel at which the archers were wont to assemble? and being informed
that it was at the sign of the “Golden Stag,” hied him to that house of
entertainment, where, by calling for quantities of liquor and beer, he
speedily made the acquaintance and acquired the good will of a company
of his future comrades, who happened to be sitting in the coffee-room.

After they had eaten and drunken for all, Otto said, addressing them,
“When go ye forth, gentles? I am a stranger here, bound as you to
the archery meeting of Duke Adolf. An ye will admit a youth into your
company ‘twill gladden me upon my lonely way?”

The archers replied, “You seem so young and jolly, and you spend your
gold so very like a gentleman, that we’ll receive you in our band
with pleasure. Be ready, for we start at half-past two!” At that hour
accordingly the whole joyous company prepared to move, and Otto not a
little increased his popularity among them by stepping out and having a
conference with the landlord, which caused the latter to come into the
room where the archers were assembled previous to departure, and to say,
“Gentlemen, the bill is settled!”--words never ungrateful to an archer
yet: no, marry, nor to a man of any other calling that I wot of.

They marched joyously for several leagues, singing and joking, and
telling of a thousand feats of love and chase and war. While thus
engaged, some one remarked to Otto, that he was not dressed in the
regular uniform, having no feathers in his hat.

“I dare say I will find a feather,” said the lad, smiling.

Then another gibed because his bow was new.

“See that you can use your old one as well, Master Wolfgang,” said the
undisturbed youth. His answers, his bearing, his generosity, his beauty,
and his wit, inspired all his new toxophilite friends with interest
and curiosity, and they longed to see whether his skill with the bow
corresponded with their secret sympathies for him.

An occasion for manifesting this skill did not fail to present itself
soon--as indeed it seldom does to such a hero of romance as young Otto
was. Fate seems to watch over such: events occur to them just in the
nick of time; they rescue virgins just as ogres are on the point of
devouring them; they manage to be present at court and interesting
ceremonies, and to see the most interesting people at the most
interesting moment; directly an adventure is necessary for them, that
adventure occurs: and I, for my part, have often wondered with delight
(and never could penetrate the mystery of the subject) at the way in
which that humblest of romance heroes, Signor Clown, when he wants
anything in the Pantomime, straightway finds it to his hand. How is it
that,--suppose he wishes to dress himself up like a woman for instance,
that minute a coalheaver walks in with a shovel-hat that answers for a
bonnet; at the very next instant a butcher’s lad passing with a string
of sausages and a bundle of bladders unconsciously helps Master Clown
to a necklace and a tournure, and so on through the whole toilet?
Depend upon it there is something we do not wot of in that mysterious
overcoming of circumstances by great individuals: that apt and wondrous
conjuncture of THE HOUR AND THE MAN; and so, for my part, when I heard
the above remark of one of the archers, that Otto had never a feather
in his bonnet, I felt sure that a heron would spring up in the next
sentence to supply him with an aigrette.

And such indeed was the fact: rising out of a morass by which the
archers were passing, a gallant heron, arching his neck, swelling his
crest, placing his legs behind him, and his beak and red eyes against
the wind, rose slowly, and offered the fairest mark in the world.

“Shoot, Otto,” said one of the archers. “You would not shoot just now at
a crow because it was a foul bird, nor at a hawk because it was a noble
bird; bring us down yon heron: it flies slowly.”

But Otto was busy that moment tying his shoestring, and Rudolf, the
third best of the archers, shot at the bird and missed it.

“Shoot, Otto,” said Wolfgang, a youth who had taken a liking to the
young archer: “the bird is getting further and further.”

But Otto was busy that moment whittling a willow-twig he had just cut.
Max, the second best archer, shot and missed.

“Then,” said Wolfgang, “I must try myself: a plague on you, young
springald, you have lost a noble chance!”

Wolfgang prepared himself with all his care, and shot at the bird. “It
is out of distance,” said he, “and a murrain on the bird!”

Otto, who by this time had done whittling his willow-stick (having
carved a capital caricature of Wolfgang upon it), flung the twig down
and said carelessly, “Out of distance! Pshaw! We have two minutes yet,”
 and fell to asking riddles and cutting jokes; to the which none of the
archers listened, as they were all engaged, their noses in air, watching
the retreating bird.

“Where shall I hit him?” said Otto.

“Go to,” said Rudolf, “thou canst see no limb of him: he is no bigger
than a flea.”

“Here goes for his right eye!” said Otto; and stepping forward in the
English manner (which his godfather having learnt in Palestine, had
taught him), he brought his bowstring to his ear, took a good aim,
allowing for the wind and calculating the parabola to a nicety. Whiz!
his arrow went off.

He took up the willow-twig again and began carving a head of Rudolf at
the other end, chatting and laughing, and singing a ballad the while.

The archers, after standing a long time looking skywards with their
noses in the air, at last brought them down from the perpendicular to
the horizontal position, and said, “Pooh, this lad is a humbug! The
arrow’s lost; let’s go!”

“HEADS!” cried Otto, laughing. A speck was seen rapidly descending from
the heavens; it grew to be as big as a crown-piece, then as a partridge,
then as a tea-kettle, and flop! down fell a magnificent heron to the
ground, flooring poor Max in its fall.

“Take the arrow out of his eye, Wolfgang,” said Otto, without looking at
the bird: “wipe it and put it back into my quiver.”

The arrow indeed was there, having penetrated right through the pupil.

“Are you in league with Der Freischutz?” said Rudolf, quite amazed.

Otto laughingly whistled the “Huntsman’s Chorus,” and said, “No, my
friend. It was a lucky shot: only a lucky shot. I was taught shooting,
look you, in the fashion of merry England, where the archers are archers

And so he cut off the heron’s wing for a plume for his hat; and the
archers walked on, much amazed, and saying, “What a wonderful country
that merry England must be!”

Far from feeling any envy at their comrade’s success, the jolly archers
recognized his superiority with pleasure; and Wolfgang and Rudolf
especially held out their hands to the younker, and besought the honor
of his friendship. They continued their walk all day, and when night
fell made choice of a good hostel you may be sure, where over beer,
punch, champagne, and every luxury, they drank to the health of the
Duke of Cleves, and indeed each other’s healths all round. Next day they
resumed their march, and continued it without interruption, except to
take in a supply of victuals here and there (and it was found on these
occasions that Otto, young as he was, could eat four times as much as
the oldest archer present, and drink to correspond); and these continued
refreshments having given them more than ordinary strength, they
determined on making rather a long march of it, and did not halt till
after nightfall at the gates of the little town of Windeck.

What was to be done? the town-gates were shut. “Is there no hostel, no
castle where we can sleep?” asked Otto of the sentinel at the gate.
“I am so hungry that in lack of better food I think I could eat my

The sentinel laughed at this hyperbolical expression of hunger, and
said, “You had best go sleep at the Castle of Windeck yonder;” adding
with a peculiarly knowing look, “Nobody will disturb you there.”

At that moment the moon broke out from a cloud, and showed on a hill
hard by a castle indeed--but the skeleton of a castle. The roof was
gone, the windows were dismantled, the towers were tumbling, and the
cold moonlight pierced it through and through. One end of the building
was, however, still covered in, and stood looking still more frowning,
vast, and gloomy, even than the other part of the edifice.

“There is a lodging, certainly,” said Otto to the sentinel, who pointed
towards the castle with his bartizan; “but tell me, good fellow, what
are we to do for a supper?”

“Oh, the castellan of Windeck will entertain you,” said the man-at-arms
with a grin, and marched up the embrasure; the while the archers, taking
counsel among themselves, debated whether or not they should take up
their quarters in the gloomy and deserted edifice.

“We shall get nothing but an owl for supper there,” said young Otto.
“Marry, lads, let us storm the town; we are thirty gallant fellows, and
I have heard the garrison is not more than three hundred.” But the rest
of the party thought such a way of getting supper was not a very cheap
one, and, grovelling knaves, preferred rather to sleep ignobly and
without victuals, than dare the assault with Otto, and die, or conquer
something comfortable.

One and all then made their way towards the castle. They entered its
vast and silent halls, frightening the owls and bats that fled before
them with hideous hootings and flappings of wings, and passing by
a multiplicity of mouldy stairs, dank reeking roofs, and rickety
corridors, at last came to an apartment which, dismal and dismantled as
it was, appeared to be in rather better condition than the neighboring
chambers, and they therefore selected it as their place of rest for the
night. They then tossed up which should mount guard. The first two
hours of watch fell to Otto, who was to be succeeded by his young though
humble friend Wolfgang; and, accordingly, the Childe of Godesberg,
drawing his dirk, began to pace upon his weary round; while his
comrades, by various gradations of snoring, told how profoundly they
slept, spite of their lack of supper.

‘Tis needless to say what were the thoughts of the noble Childe as he
performed his two hours’ watch; what gushing memories poured into his
full soul; what “sweet and bitter” recollections of home inspired his
throbbing heart; and what manly aspirations after fame buoyed him up.
“Youth is ever confident,” says the bard. Happy, happy season! The
moonlit hours passed by on silver wings, the twinkling stars looked
friendly down upon him. Confiding in their youthful sentinel, sound
slept the valorous toxophilites, as up and down, and there and back
again, marched on the noble Childe. At length his repeater told him,
much to his satisfaction, that it was half-past eleven, the hour when
his watch was to cease; and so, giving a playful kick to the slumbering
Wolfgang, that good-humored fellow sprung up from his lair, and, drawing
his sword, proceeded to relieve Otto.

The latter laid him down for warmth’s sake on the very spot which his
comrade had left, and for some time could not sleep. Realities and
visions then began to mingle in his mind, till he scarce knew which was
which. He dozed for a minute; then he woke with a start; then he went
off again; then woke up again. In one of these half-sleeping moments he
thought he saw a figure, as of a woman in white, gliding into the room,
and beckoning Wolfgang from it. He looked again. Wolfgang was gone. At
that moment twelve o’clock clanged from the town, and Otto started up.



As the bell with iron tongue called midnight, Wolfgang the Archer,
pacing on his watch, beheld before him a pale female figure. He did not
know whence she came: but there suddenly she stood close to him. Her
blue, clear, glassy eyes were fixed upon him. Her form was of faultless
beauty; her face pale as the marble of the fairy statue, ere yet the
sculptor’s love had given it life. A smile played upon her features, but
it was no warmer than the reflection of a moonbeam on a lake; and yet
it was wondrous beautiful. A fascination stole over the senses of
young Wolfgang. He stared at the lovely apparition with fixed eyes and
distended jaws. She looked at him with ineffable archness. She lifted
one beautifully rounded alabaster arm, and made a sign as if to beckon
him towards her. Did Wolfgang--the young and lusty Wolfgang--follow?
Ask the iron whether it follows the magnet?--ask the pointer whether it
pursues the partridge through the stubble?--ask the youth whether the
lollipop-shop does not attract him? Wolfgang DID follow. An antique
door opened, as if by magic. There was no light, and yet they saw quite
plain; they passed through the innumerable ancient chambers, and yet
they did not wake any of the owls and bats roosting there. We know not
through how many apartments the young couple passed; but at last they
came to one where a feast was prepared: and on an antique table, covered
with massive silver, covers were laid for two. The lady took her place
at one end of the table, and with her sweetest nod beckoned Wolfgang to
the other seat. He took it. The table was small, and their knees met. He
felt as cold in his legs as if he were kneeling against an ice-well.

“Gallant archer,” said she, “you must be hungry after your day’s march.
What supper will you have? Shall it be a delicate lobster-salad? or
a dish of elegant tripe and onions? or a slice of boar’s-head and
truffles? or a Welsh rabbit a la cave au cidre? or a beefsteak and
shallot? or a couple of rognons a la brochette? Speak, brave bowyer: you
have but to order.”

As there was nothing on the table but a covered silver dish, Wolfgang
thought that the lady who proposed such a multiplicity of delicacies to
him was only laughing at him; so he determined to try her with something
extremely rare.

“Fair princess,” he said, “I should like very much a pork-chop and some
mashed potatoes.”

She lifted the cover: there was such a pork-chop as Simpson never
served, with a dish of mashed potatoes that would have formed at least
six portions in our degenerate days in Rupert Street.

When he had helped himself to these delicacies, the lady put the cover
on the dish again, and watched him eating with interest. He was for some
time too much occupied with his own food to remark that his companion
did not eat a morsel; but big as it was, his chop was soon gone; the
shining silver of his plate was scraped quite clean with his knife,
and, heaving a great sigh, he confessed a humble desire for something to

“Call for what you like, sweet sir,” said the lady, lifting up a silver
filigree bottle, with an india-rubber cork, ornamented with gold.

“Then,” said Master Wolfgang--for the fellow’s tastes were, in sooth,
very humble--“I call for half-and-half.” According to his wish, a pint
of that delicious beverage was poured from the bottle, foaming, into his

Having emptied this at a draught, and declared that on his conscience
it was the best tap he ever knew in his life, the young man felt his
appetite renewed; and it is impossible to say how many different dishes
he called for. Only enchantment, he was afterwards heard to declare
(though none of his friends believed him), could have given him the
appetite he possessed on that extraordinary night. He called for another
pork-chop and potatoes, then for pickled salmon; then he thought he
would try a devilled turkey-wing. “I adore the devil,” said he.

“So do I,” said the pale lady, with unwonted animation; and the dish was
served straightway. It was succeeded by black-puddings, tripe, toasted
cheese, and--what was most remarkable--every one of the dishes which he
desired came from under the same silver cover: which circumstance, when
he had partaken of about fourteen different articles, he began to find
rather mysterious.

“Oh,” said the pale lady, with a smile, “the mystery is easily accounted
for: the servants hear you, and the kitchen is BELOW.” But this did not
account for the manner in which more half-and-half, bitter ale, punch
(both gin and rum), and even oil and vinegar, which he took with
cucumber to his salmon, came out of the self-same bottle from which the
lady had first poured out his pint of half-and-half.

“There are more things in heaven and earth, Voracio,” said his arch
entertainer, when he put this question to her, “than are dreamt of in
your philosophy:” and, sooth to say, the archer was by this time in such
a state, that he did not find anything wonderful more.

“Are you happy, dear youth?” said the lady, as, after his collation, he
sank back in his chair.

“Oh, miss, ain’t I?” was his interrogative and yet affirmative reply.

“Should you like such a supper every night, Wolfgang?” continued the
pale one.

“Why, no,” said he; “no, not exactly; not EVERY night: SOME nights I
should like oysters.”

“Dear youth,” said she, “be but mine, and you may have them all the year
round!” The unhappy boy was too far gone to suspect anything, otherwise
this extraordinary speech would have told him that he was in suspicious
company. A person who can offer oysters all the year round can live to
no good purpose.

“Shall I sing you a song, dear archer?” said the lady.

“Sweet love!” said he, now much excited, “strike up, and I will join the

She took down her mandolin, and commenced a ditty. ‘Twas a sweet and
wild one. It told how a lady of high lineage cast her eyes on a peasant
page; it told how nought could her love assuage, her suitor’s wealth
and her father’s rage: it told how the youth did his foes engage; and
at length they went off in the Gretna stage, the high-born dame and the
peasant page. Wolfgang beat time, waggled his head, sung wofully out of
tune as the song proceeded; and if he had not been too intoxicated with
love and other excitement, he would have remarked how the pictures on
the wall, as the lady sung, began to waggle their heads too, and nod
and grin to the music. The song ended. “I am the lady of high lineage:
Archer, will you be the peasant page?”

“I’ll follow you to the devil!” said Wolfgang.

“Come,” replied the lady, glaring wildly on him, “come to the chapel;
we’ll be married this minute!”

She held out her hand--Wolfgang took it. It was cold, damp,--deadly
cold; and on they went to the chapel.

As they passed out, the two pictures over the wall, of a gentleman and
lady, tripped lightly out of their frames, skipped noiselessly down to
the ground, and making the retreating couple a profound curtsy and bow,
took the places which they had left at the table.

Meanwhile the young couple passed on towards the chapel, threading
innumerable passages, and passing through chambers of great extent.
As they came along, all the portraits on the wall stepped out of their
frames to follow them. One ancestor, of whom there was only a bust,
frowned in the greatest rage, because, having no legs, his pedestal
would not move; and several sticking-plaster profiles of the former
Lords of Windeck looked quite black at being, for similar reasons,
compelled to keep their places. However, there was a goodly procession
formed behind Wolfgang and his bride; and by the time they reached the
church, they had near a hundred followers.

The church was splendidly illuminated; the old banners of the old
knights glittered as they do at Drury Lane. The organ set up of itself
to play the “Bridesmaid’s Chorus.” The choir-chairs were filled with
people in black.

“Come, love,” said the pale lady.

“I don’t see the parson,” exclaimed Wolfgang, spite of himself rather

“Oh, the parson! that’s the easiest thing in the world! I say, bishop!”
 said the lady, stooping down.

Stooping down--and to what? Why, upon my word and honor, to a great
brass plate on the floor, over which they were passing, and on which
was engraven the figure of a bishop--and a very ugly bishop, too--with
crosier and mitre, and lifted finger, on which sparkled the episcopal
ring. “Do, my dear lord, come and marry us,” said the lady, with a
levity which shocked the feelings of her bridegroom.

The bishop got up; and directly he rose, a dean, who was sleeping under
a large slate near him, came bowing and cringing up to him; while a
canon of the cathedral (whose name was Schidnischmidt) began grinning
and making fun at the pair. The ceremony was begun, and . . . .

As the clock struck twelve, young Otto bounded up, and remarked the
absence of his companion Wolfgang. The idea he had had, that his friend
disappeared in company with a white-robed female, struck him more and
more. “I will follow them,” said he; and, calling to the next on the
watch (old Snozo, who was right unwilling to forego his sleep), he
rushed away by the door through which he had seen Wolfgang and his
temptress take their way.

That he did not find them was not his fault. The castle was vast, the
chamber dark. There were a thousand doors, and what wonder that, after
he had once lost sight of them, the intrepid Childe should not be able
to follow in their steps? As might be expected, he took the wrong door,
and wandered for at least three hours about the dark enormous solitary
castle, calling out Wolfgang’s name to the careless and indifferent
echoes, knocking his young shins against the ruins scattered in the
darkness, but still with a spirit entirely undaunted, and a firm
resolution to aid his absent comrade. Brave Otto! thy exertions were
rewarded at last!

For he lighted at length upon the very apartment where Wolfgang had
partaken of supper, and where the old couple who had been in the
picture-frames, and turned out to be the lady’s father and mother, were
now sitting at the table.

“Well, Bertha has got a husband at last,” said the lady.

“After waiting four hundred and fifty-three years for one, it was quite
time,” said the gentleman. (He was dressed in powder and a pigtail,
quite in the old fashion.)

“The husband is no great things,” continued the lady, taking snuff. “A
low fellow, my dear; a butcher’s son, I believe. Did you see how the
wretch ate at supper? To think my daughter should have to marry an

“There are archers and archers,” said the old man. “Some archers are
snobs, as your ladyship states; some, on the contrary, are gentlemen
by birth, at least, though not by breeding. Witness young Otto, the
Landgrave of Godesberg’s son, who is listening at the door like a
lackey, and whom I intend to run through the--”

“Law, Baron!” said the lady.

“I will, though,” replied the Baron, drawing an immense sword, and
glaring round at Otto: but though at the sight of that sword and that
scowl a less valorous youth would have taken to his heels, the undaunted
Childe advanced at once into the apartment. He wore round his neck a
relic of St. Buffo (the tip of the saint’s ear, which had been cut off
at Constantinople). “Fiends! I command you to retreat!” said he, holding
up this sacred charm, which his mamma had fastened on him; and at the
sight of it, with an unearthly yell the ghosts of the Baron and the
Baroness sprung back into their picture-frames, as clowns go through a
clock in a pantomime.

He rushed through the open door by which the unlucky Wolfgang had passed
with his demoniacal bride, and went on and on through the vast gloomy
chambers lighted by the ghastly moonshine: the noise of the organ in the
chapel, the lights in the kaleidoscopic windows, directed him towards
that edifice. He rushed to the door: ‘twas barred! He knocked: the
beadles were deaf. He applied his inestimable relic to the lock,
and--whiz! crash! clang! bang! whang!--the gate flew open! the organ
went off in a fugue--the lights quivered over the tapers, and then went
off towards the ceiling--the ghosts assembled rushed away with a skurry
and a scream--the bride howled, and vanished--the fat bishop waddled
back under his brass plate--the dean flounced down into his family
vault--and the canon Schidnischmidt, who was making a joke, as usual, on
the bishop, was obliged to stop at the very point of his epigram, and to
disappear into the void whence he came.

Otto fell fainting at the porch, while Wolfgang tumbled lifeless down at
the altar-steps; and in this situation the archers, when they arrived,
found the two youths. They were resuscitated, as we scarce need say; but
when, in incoherent accents, they came to tell their wondrous tale, some
sceptics among the archers said--“Pooh! they were intoxicated!” while
others, nodding their older heads, exclaimed--“THEY HAVE SEEN THE LADY
OF WINDECK!” and recalled the stories of many other young men, who,
inveigled by her devilish arts, had not been so lucky as Wolfgang, and
had disappeared--for ever!

This adventure bound Wolfgang heart and soul to his gallant preserver;
and the archers--it being now morning, and the cocks crowing lustily
round about--pursued their way without further delay to the castle of
the noble patron of toxophilites, the gallant Duke of Cleves.



Although there lay an immense number of castles and abbeys between
Windeck and Cleves, for every one of which the guide-books have a legend
and a ghost, who might, with the commonest stretch of ingenuity, be made
to waylay our adventurers on the road; yet, as the journey would be thus
almost interminable, let us cut it short by saying that the travellers
reached Cleves without any further accident, and found the place
thronged with visitors for the meeting next day.

And here it would be easy to describe the company which arrived, and
make display of antiquarian lore. Now we would represent a cavalcade of
knights arriving, with their pages carrying their shining helms of gold,
and the stout esquires, bearers of lance and banner. Anon would arrive
a fat abbot on his ambling pad, surrounded by the white-robed companions
of his convent. Here should come the gleemen and jonglers, the
minstrels, the mountebanks, the party-colored gipsies, the dark-eyed,
nut-brown Zigeunerinnen; then a troop of peasants chanting Rhine-songs,
and leading in their ox-drawn carts the peach-cheeked girls from the
vine-lands. Next we would depict the litters blazoned with armorial
bearings, from between the broidered curtains of which peeped out
the swan-like necks and the haughty faces of the blond ladies of the
castles. But for these descriptions we have not space; and the reader
is referred to the account of the tournament in the ingenious novel of
“Ivanhoe,” where the above phenomena are described at length. Suffice it
to say, that Otto and his companions arrived at the town of Cleves, and,
hastening to a hostel, reposed themselves after the day’s march, and
prepared them for the encounter of the morrow.

That morrow came: and as the sports were to begin early, Otto and his
comrades hastened to the field, armed with their best bows and arrows,
you may be sure, and eager to distinguish themselves; as were the
multitude of other archers assembled. They were from all neighboring
countries--crowds of English, as you may fancy, armed with Murray’s
guide-books, troops of chattering Frenchmen, Frankfort Jews with
roulette-tables, and Tyrolese, with gloves and trinkets--all hied
towards the field where the butts were set up, and the archery practice
was to be held. The Childe and his brother archers were, it need not be
said, early on the ground.

But what words of mine can describe the young gentleman’s emotion when,
preceded by a band of trumpets, bagpipes, ophicleides, and other wind
instruments, the Prince of Cleves appeared with the Princess Helen, his
daughter? And ah! what expressions of my humble pen can do justice to
the beauty of that young lady? Fancy every charm which decorates the
person, every virtue which ornaments the mind, every accomplishment
which renders charming mind and charming person doubly charming, and
then you will have but a faint and feeble idea of the beauties of her
Highness the Princess Helen. Fancy a complexion such as they say (I know
not with what justice) Rowland’s Kalydor imparts to the users of that
cosmetic; fancy teeth to which orient pearls are like Wallsend coals;
eyes, which were so blue, tender, and bright, that while they run you
through with their lustre, they healed you with their kindness; a neck
and waist, so ravishingly slender and graceful, that the least that
is said about them the better; a foot which fell upon the flowers no
heavier than a dew-drop--and this charming person set off by the most
elegant toilet that ever milliner devised! The lovely Helen’s hair
(which was as black as the finest varnish for boots) was so long, that
it was borne on a cushion several yards behind her by the maidens of
her train; and a hat, set off with moss-roses, sunflowers, bugles,
birds-of-paradise, gold lace, and pink ribbon, gave her a distingue air,
which would have set the editor of the Morning Post mad with love.

It had exactly the same effect upon the noble Childe of Godesberg, as
leaning on his ivory bow, with his legs crossed, he stood and gazed on
her, as Cupid gazed on Psyche. Their eyes met: it was all over with both
of them. A blush came at one and the same minute budding to the cheek of
either. A simultaneous throb beat in those young hearts! They loved
each other for ever from that instant. Otto still stood, cross-legged,
enraptured, leaning on his ivory bow; but Helen, calling to a maiden
for her pocket-handkerchief, blew her beautiful Grecian nose in order to
hide her agitation. Bless ye, bless ye, pretty ones! I am old now; but
not so old but that I kindle at the tale of love. Theresa MacWhirter too
has lived and loved. Heigho!

Who is yon chief that stands behind the truck whereon are seated the
Princess and the stout old lord, her father? Who is he whose hair is
of the carroty hue? whose eyes, across a snubby bunch of a nose, are
perpetually scowling at each other; who has a hump-back and a hideous
mouth, surrounded with bristles, and crammed full of jutting yellow
odious teeth. Although he wears a sky-blue doublet laced with silver,
it only serves to render his vulgar punchy figure doubly ridiculous;
although his nether garment is of salmon-colored velvet, it only draws
the more attention to his legs, which are disgustingly crooked and
bandy. A rose-colored hat, with towering pea-green ostrich-plumes, looks
absurd on his bull-head; and though it is time of peace, the wretch is
armed with a multiplicity of daggers, knives, yataghans, dirks, sabres,
and scimitars, which testify his truculent and bloody disposition. ‘Tis
the terrible Rowski de Donnerblitz, Margrave of Eulenschreckenstein.
Report says he is a suitor for the hand of the lovely Helen. He
addresses various speeches of gallantry to her, and grins hideously as
he thrusts his disgusting head over her lily shoulder. But she turns
away from him! turns and shudders--ay, as she would at a black dose!

Otto stands gazing still, and leaning on his bow. “What is the prize?”
 asks one archer of another. There are two prizes--a velvet cap,
embroidered by the hand of the Princess, and a chain of massive gold, of
enormous value. Both lie on cushions before her.

“I know which I shall choose, when I win the first prize,” says a
swarthy, savage, and bandy-legged archer, who bears the owl gules on a
black shield, the cognizance of the Lord Rowski de Donnerblitz.

“Which, fellow?” says Otto, turning fiercely upon him.

“The chain, to be sure!” says the leering archer. “You do not suppose I
am such a flat as to choose that velvet gimcrack there?” Otto laughed
in scorn, and began to prepare his bow. The trumpets sounding proclaimed
that the sports were about to commence.

Is it necessary to describe them? No: that has already been done in the
novel of “Ivanhoe” before mentioned. Fancy the archers clad in Lincoln
green, all coming forward in turn, and firing at the targets. Some hit,
some missed; those that missed were fain to retire amidst the jeers of
the multitudinous spectators. Those that hit began new trials of skill;
but it was easy to see, from the first, that the battle lay between
Squintoff (the Rowski archer) and the young hero with the golden hair
and the ivory bow. Squintoff’s fame as a marksman was known throughout
Europe; but who was his young competitor? Ah? there was ONE heart in the
assembly that beat most anxiously to know. ‘Twas Helen’s.

The crowning trial arrived. The bull’s eye of the target, set up at
three-quarters of a mile distance from the archers, was so small, that
it required a very clever man indeed to see, much more to hit it; and as
Squintoff was selecting his arrow for the final trial, the Rowski flung
a purse of gold towards his archer, saying--“Squintoff, an ye win the
prize, the purse is thine.” “I may as well pocket it at once, your
honor,” said the bowman with a sneer at Otto. “This young chick, who has
been lucky as yet, will hardly hit such a mark as that.” And, taking his
aim, Squintoff discharged his arrow right into the very middle of the

“Can you mend that, young springald?” said he, as a shout rent the air
at his success, as Helen turned pale to think that the champion of her
secret heart was likely to be overcome, and as Squintoff, pocketing the
Rowski’s money, turned to the noble boy of Godesberg.

“Has anybody got a pea?” asked the lad. Everybody laughed at his droll
request; and an old woman, who was selling porridge in the crowd, handed
him the vegetable which he demanded. It was a dry and yellow pea. Otto,
stepping up to the target, caused Squintoff to extract his arrow from
the bull’s-eye, and placed in the orifice made by the steel point of the
shaft, the pea which he had received from the old woman. He then came
back to his place. As he prepared to shoot, Helen was so overcome by
emotion, that ‘twas thought she would have fainted. Never, never had she
seen a being so beautiful as the young hero now before her.

He looked almost divine. He flung back his long clusters of hair from
his bright eyes and tall forehead; the blush of health mantled on his
cheek, from which the barber’s weapon had never shorn the down. He took
his bow, and one of his most elegant arrows, and poising himself lightly
on his right leg, he flung himself forward, raising his left leg on a
level with his ear. He looked like Apollo, as he stood balancing himself
there. He discharged his dart from the thrumming bowstring: it clove the
blue air--whiz!

“HE HAS SPLIT THE PEA!” said the Princess, and fainted. The Rowski, with
one eye, hurled an indignant look at the boy, while with the other he
levelled (if aught so crooked can be said to level anything) a furious
glance at his archer.

The archer swore a sulky oath. “He is the better man!” said he. “I
suppose, young chap, you take the gold chain?”

“The gold chain?” said Otto. “Prefer a gold chain to a cap worked
by that august hand? Never!” And advancing to the balcony where the
Princess, who now came to herself, was sitting, he kneeled down before
her, and received the velvet cap; which, blushing as scarlet as the
cap itself, the Princess Helen placed on his golden ringlets. Once more
their eyes met--their hearts thrilled. They had never spoken, but they
knew they loved each other for ever.

“Wilt thou take service with the Rowski of Donnerblitz?” said that
individual to the youth. “Thou shalt be captain of my archers in place
of yon blundering nincompoop, whom thou hast overcome.”

“Yon blundering nincompoop is a skilful and gallant archer,” replied
Otto, haughtily; “and I will NOT take service with the Rowski of

“Wilt thou enter the household of the Prince of Cleves?” said the father
of Helen, laughing, and not a little amused at the haughtiness of the
humble archer.

“I would die for the Duke of Cleves and HIS FAMILY,” said Otto, bowing
low. He laid a particular and a tender emphasis on the word family.
Helen knew what he meant. SHE was the family. In fact her mother was no
more, and her papa had no other offspring.

“What is thy name, good fellow,” said the Prince, “that my steward may
enroll thee?”

“Sir,” said Otto, again blushing, “I am OTTO THE ARCHER.”



The archers who had travelled in company with young Otto gave a handsome
dinner in compliment to the success of our hero; at which his friend
distinguished himself as usual in the eating and drinking department.
Squintoff, the Rowski bowman, declined to attend; so great was the envy
of the brute at the youthful hero’s superiority. As for Otto himself, he
sat on the right hand of the chairman; but it was remarked that he could
not eat. Gentle reader of my page! thou knowest why full well. He was
too much in love to have any appetite; for though I myself when laboring
under that passion, never found my consumption of victuals diminish, yet
remember our Otto was a hero of romance, and they NEVER are hungry when
they’re in love.

The next day, the young gentleman proceeded to enroll himself in the
corps of Archers of the Prince of Cleves, and with him came his attached
squire, who vowed he never would leave him. As Otto threw aside his own
elegant dress, and donned the livery of the House of Cleves, the noble
Childe sighed not a little. ‘Twas a splendid uniform ‘tis true, but
still it WAS a livery, and one of his proud spirit ill bears another’s
cognizances. “They are the colors of the Princess, however,” said he,
consoling himself; “and what suffering would I not undergo for HER?” As
for Wolfgang, the squire, it may well be supposed that the good-natured,
low-born fellow had no such scruples; but he was glad enough to
exchange for the pink hose, the yellow jacket, the pea-green cloak, and
orange-tawny hat, with which the Duke’s steward supplied him, the homely
patched doublet of green which he had worn for years past.

“Look at you two archers,” said the Prince of Cleves to his guest, the
Rowski of Donnerblitz, as they were strolling on the battlements after
dinner, smoking their cigars as usual. His Highness pointed to our two
young friends, who were mounting guard for the first time. “See yon two
bowmen--mark their bearing! One is the youth who beat thy Squintoff, and
t’other, an I mistake not, won the third prize at the butts. Both wear
the same uniform--the colors of my house--yet wouldst not swear that the
one was but a churl, and the other a noble gentleman?”

“Which looks like the nobleman?” said the Rowski, as black as thunder.

“WHICH? why, young Otto, to be sure,” said the Princess Helen, eagerly.
The young lady was following the pair; but under pretence of disliking
the odor of the cigar, she had refused the Rowski’s proffered arm, and
was loitering behind with her parasol.

Her interposition in favor of her young protege only made the black and
jealous Rowski more ill-humored. “How long is it, Sir Prince of Cleves,”
 said he, “that the churls who wear your livery permit themselves to wear
the ornaments of noble knights? Who but a noble dare wear ringlets such
as yon springald’s? Ho, archer!” roared he, “come, hither, fellow.”
 And Otto stood before him. As he came, and presenting arms stood
respectfully before the Prince and his savage guest, he looked for
one moment at the lovely Helen--their eyes met, their hearts beat
simultaneously: and, quick, two little blushes appeared in the cheek of
either. I have seen one ship at sea answering another’s signal so.

While they are so regarding each other, let us just remind our readers
of the great estimation in which the hair was held in the North. Only
nobles were permitted to wear it long. When a man disgraced himself, a
shaving was sure to follow. Penalties were inflicted upon villains or
vassals who sported ringlets. See the works of Aurelius Tonsor; Hirsutus
de Nobilitate Capillari; Rolandus de Oleo Macassari; Schnurrbart;
Fresirische Alterthumskunde, &c.

“We must have those ringlets of thine cut, good fellow,” said the Duke
of Cleves good-naturedly, but wishing to spare the feelings of his
gallant recruit. “‘Tis against the regulation cut of my archer guard.”

“Cut off my hair!” cried Otto, agonized.

“Ay, and thine ears with it, yokel,” roared Donnerblitz.

“Peace, noble Eulenschreckenstein,” said the Duke with dignity: “let the
Duke of Cleves deal as he will with his own men-at-arms. And you, young
sir, unloose the grip of thy dagger.”

Otto, indeed, had convulsively grasped his snickersnee, with intent
to plunge it into the heart of the Rowski; but his politer feelings
overcame him. “The count need not fear, my lord,” said he: “a lady is
present.” And he took off his orange-tawny cap and bowed low. Ah! what
a pang shot through the heart of Helen, as she thought that those lovely
ringlets must be shorn from that beautiful head!

Otto’s mind was, too, in commotion. His feelings as a gentleman--let
us add, his pride as a man--for who is not, let us ask, proud of a
good head of hair?--waged war within his soul. He expostulated with the
Prince. “It was never in my contemplation,” he said, “on taking service,
to undergo the operation of hair-cutting.”

“Thou art free to go or stay, Sir Archer,” said the Prince pettishly.
“I will have no churls imitating noblemen in my service: I will bandy no
conditions with archers of my guard.”

“My resolve is taken,” said Otto, irritated too in his turn.
“I will . . . . ”

“What?” cried Helen, breathless with intense agitation.

“I will STAY,” answered Otto. The poor girl almost fainted with joy. The
Rowski frowned with demoniac fury, and grinding his teeth and cursing in
the horrible German jargon, stalked away. “So be it,” said the Prince of
Cleves, taking his daughter’s arm--“and here comes Snipwitz, my barber,
who shall do the business for you.” With this the Prince too moved on,
feeling in his heart not a little compassion for the lad; for Adolf
of Cleves had been handsome in his youth, and distinguished for the
ornament of which he was now depriving his archer.

Snipwitz led the poor lad into a side-room, and there--in a
word--operated upon him. The golden curls--fair curls that his mother
had so often played with!--fell under the shears and round the lad’s
knees, until he looked as if he was sitting in a bath of sunbeams.

When the frightful act had been performed, Otto, who entered the little
chamber in the tower ringleted like Apollo, issued from it as cropped as
a charity-boy.

See how melancholy he looks, now that the operation is over!--And no
wonder. He was thinking what would be Helen’s opinion of him, now
that one of his chief personal ornaments was gone. “Will she know me?”
 thought he; “will she love me after this hideous mutilation?”

Yielding to these gloomy thoughts, and, indeed, rather unwilling to be
seen by his comrades, now that he was so disfigured, the young gentleman
had hidden himself behind one of the buttresses of the wall, a prey to
natural despondency; when he saw something which instantly restored
him to good spirits. He saw the lovely Helen coming towards the chamber
where the odious barber had performed upon him,--coming forward timidly,
looking round her anxiously, blushing with delightful agitation,--and
presently seeing, as she thought, the coast clear, she entered the
apartment. She stooped down, and ah! what was Otto’s joy when he saw her
pick up a beautiful golden lock of his hair, press it to her lips, and
then hide it in her bosom! No carnation ever blushed so redly as Helen
did when she came out after performing this feat. Then she hurried
straightway to her own apartments in the castle, and Otto, whose first
impulse was to come out from his hiding-place, and, falling at her
feet, call heaven and earth to witness to his passion, with difficulty
restrained his feelings and let her pass: but the love-stricken
young hero was so delighted with this evident proof of reciprocated
attachment, that all regret at losing his ringlets at once left him,
and he vowed he would sacrifice not only his hair, but his head, if need
were, to do her service.

That very afternoon, no small bustle and conversation took place in
the castle, on account of the sudden departure of the Rowski of
Eulenschreckenstein, with all his train and equipage. He went away in
the greatest wrath, it was said, after a long and loud conversation with
the Prince. As that potentate conducted his guest to the gate, walking
rather demurely and shamefacedly by his side, as he gathered his
attendants in the court, and there mounted his charger, the Rowski
ordered his trumpets to sound, and scornfully flung a largesse of gold
among the servitors and men-at-arms of the House of Cleves, who were
marshalled in the court. “Farewell, Sir Prince,” said he to his host:
“I quit you now suddenly; but remember, it is not my last visit to the
Castle of Cleves.” And ordering his band to play “See the Conquering
Hero comes,” he clattered away through the drawbridge. The Princess
Helen was not present at his departure; and the venerable Prince of
Cleves looked rather moody and chap-fallen when his guest left him.
He visited all the castle defences pretty accurately that night, and
inquired of his officers the state of the ammunition, provisions, &c. He
said nothing; but the Princess Helen’s maid did: and everybody knew that
the Rowski had made his proposals, had been rejected, and, getting up in
a violent fury, had called for his people, and sworn by his great gods
that he would not enter the castle again until he rode over the breach,
lance in hand, the conqueror of Cleves and all belonging to it.

No little consternation was spread through the garrison at the news: for
everybody knew the Rowski to be one of the most intrepid and powerful
soldiers in all Germany,--one of the most skilful generals. Generous
to extravagance to his own followers, he was ruthless to the enemy: a
hundred stories were told of the dreadful barbarities exercised by him
in several towns and castles which he had captured and sacked. And poor
Helen had the pain of thinking, that in consequence of her refusal she
was dooming all the men, women, and children of the principality to
indiscriminate and horrible slaughter.

The dreadful surmises regarding a war received in a few days dreadful
confirmation. It was noon, and the worthy Prince of Cleves was taking
his dinner (though the honest warrior had had little appetite for that
meal for some time past), when trumpets were heard at the gate; and
presently the herald of the Rowski of Donnerblitz, clad in a tabard on
which the arms of the Count were blazoned, entered the dining-hall. A
page bore a steel gauntlet on a cushion; Bleu Sanglier had his hat on
his head. The Prince of Cleves put on his own, as the herald came up to
the chair of state where the sovereign sat.

“Silence for Bleu Sanglier,” cried the Prince, gravely. “Say your say,
Sir Herald.”

“In the name of the high and mighty Rowski, Prince of Donnerblitz,
Margrave of Eulenschreckenstein, Count of Krotenwald, Schnauzestadt,
and Galgenhugel, Hereditary Grand Corkscrew of the Holy Roman Empire--to
you, Adolf the Twenty-third, Prince of Cleves, I, Bleu Sanglier, bring
war and defiance. Alone, and lance to lance, or twenty to twenty in
field or in fort, on plain or on mountain, the noble Rowski defies
you. Here, or wherever he shall meet you, he proclaims war to the death
between you and him. In token whereof, here is his glove.” And taking
the steel glove from the page, Bleu Boar flung it clanging on the marble

The Princess Helen turned deadly pale: but the Prince, with a good
assurance, flung down his own glove, calling upon some one to raise the
Rowski’s; which Otto accordingly took up and presented to him, on his

“Boteler, fill my goblet,” said the Prince to that functionary, who,
clothed in tight black hose, with a white kerchief, and a napkin on his
dexter arm, stood obsequiously by his master’s chair. The goblet was
filled with Malvoisie: it held about three quarts; a precious golden
hanap carved by the cunning artificer, Benvenuto the Florentine.

“Drink, Bleu Sanglier,” said the Prince, “and put the goblet in thy
bosom. Wear this chain, furthermore, for my sake.” And so saying, Prince
Adolf flung a precious chain of emeralds round the herald’s neck. “An
invitation to battle was ever a welcome call to Adolf of Cleves.”
 So saying, and bidding his people take good care of Bleu Sanglier’s
retinue, the Prince left the hall with his daughter. All were marvelling
at his dignity, courage, and generosity.

But, though affecting unconcern, the mind of Prince Adolf was far from
tranquil. He was no longer the stalwart knight who, in the reign of
Stanislaus Augustus, had, with his naked fist, beaten a lion to death
in three minutes; and alone had kept the postern of Peterwaradin for two
hours against seven hundred Turkish janissaries, who were assailing it.
Those deeds which had made the heir of Cleves famous were done thirty
years syne. A free liver since he had come into his principality, and of
a lazy turn, he had neglected the athletic exercises which had made him
in youth so famous a champion, and indolence had borne its usual
fruits. He tried his old battle-sword--that famous blade with which,
in Palestine, he had cut an elephant-driver in two pieces, and split
asunder the skull of the elephant which he rode. Adolf of Cleves could
scarcely now lift the weapon over his head. He tried his armor. It was
too tight for him. And the old soldier burst into tears, when he found
he could not buckle it. Such a man was not fit to encounter the terrible
Rowski in single combat.

Nor could he hope to make head against him for any time in the field.
The Prince’s territories were small; his vassals proverbially lazy and
peaceable; his treasury empty. The dismallest prospects were before him:
and he passed a sleepless night writing to his friends for succor, and
calculating with his secretary the small amount of the resources which
he could bring to aid him against his advancing and powerful enemy.

Helen’s pillow that evening was also unvisited by slumber. She lay awake
thinking of Otto,--thinking of the danger and the ruin her refusal to
marry had brought upon her dear papa. Otto, too, slept not: but HIS
waking thoughts were brilliant and heroic: the noble Childe thought
how he should defend the Princess, and win LOS and honor in the ensuing



And now the noble Cleves began in good earnest to prepare his castle for
the threatened siege. He gathered in all the available cattle round the
property, and the pigs round many miles; and a dreadful slaughter of
horned and snouted animals took place,--the whole castle resounding with
the lowing of the oxen and the squeaks of the gruntlings, destined to
provide food for the garrison. These, when slain, (her gentle spirit, of
course, would not allow of her witnessing that disagreeable operation,)
the lovely Helen, with the assistance of her maidens, carefully salted
and pickled. Corn was brought in in great quantities, the Prince paying
for the same when he had money, giving bills when he could get credit,
or occasionally, marry, sending out a few stout men-at-arms to forage,
who brought in wheat without money or credit either. The charming
Princess, amidst the intervals of her labors, went about encouraging the
garrison, who vowed to a man they would die for a single sweet smile
of hers; and in order to make their inevitable sufferings as easy as
possible to the gallant fellows, she and the apothecaries got ready a
plenty of efficacious simples, and scraped a vast quantity of lint
to bind their warriors’ wounds withal. All the fortifications were
strengthened; the fosses carefully filled with spikes and water; large
stones placed over the gates, convenient to tumble on the heads of the
assaulting parties; and caldrons prepared, with furnaces to melt up
pitch, brimstone, boiling oil, &c., wherewith hospitably to receive
them. Having the keenest eye in the whole garrison, young Otto was
placed on the topmost tower, to watch for the expected coming of the
beleaguering host.

They were seen only too soon. Long ranks of shining spears were seen
glittering in the distance, and the army of the Rowski soon made its
appearance in battle’s magnificently stern array. The tents of the
renowned chief and his numerous warriors were pitched out of arrow-shot
of the castle, but in fearful proximity; and when his army had taken
up its position, an officer with a flag of truce and a trumpet was seen
advancing to the castle gate. It was the same herald who had previously
borne his master’s defiance to the Prince of Cleves. He came once
more to the castle gate, and there proclaimed that the noble Count of
Eulenschreckenstein was in arms without, ready to do battle with the
Prince of Cleves, or his champion; that he would remain in arms for
three days, ready for combat. If no man met him at the end of that
period, he would deliver an assault, and would give quarter to no single
soul in the garrison. So saying, the herald nailed his lord’s gauntlet
on the castle gate. As before, the Prince flung him over another glove
from the wall; though how he was to defend himself from such a warrior,
or get a champion, or resist the pitiless assault that must follow, the
troubled old nobleman knew not in the least.

The Princess Helen passed the night in the chapel, vowing tons of
wax-candles to all the patron saints of the House of Cleves, if they
would raise her up a defender.

But how did the noble girl’s heart sink--how were her notions of the
purity of man shaken within her gentle bosom, by the dread intelligence
which reached her the next morning, after the defiance of the Rowski! At
roll-call it was discovered that he on whom she principally relied--he
whom her fond heart had singled out as her champion, had proved
faithless! Otto, the degenerate Otto, had fled! His comrade, Wolfgang,
had gone with him. A rope was found dangling from the casement of their
chamber, and they must have swum the moat and passed over to the
enemy in the darkness of the previous night. “A pretty lad was this
fair-spoken archer of thine!” said the Prince her father to her; “and a
pretty kettle of fish hast thou cooked for the fondest of fathers.” She
retired weeping to her apartment. Never before had that young heart felt
so wretched.

That morning, at nine o’clock, as they were going to breakfast, the
Rowski’s trumpets sounded. Clad in complete armor, and mounted on his
enormous piebald charger, he came out of his pavilion, and rode slowly
up and down in front of the castle. He was ready there to meet a

Three times each day did the odious trumpet sound the same notes of
defiance. Thrice daily did the steel-clad Rowski come forth challenging
the combat. The first day passed, and there was no answer to his
summons. The second day came and went, but no champion had risen to
defend. The taunt of his shrill clarion remained without answer; and the
sun went down upon the wretchedest father and daughter in all the land
of Christendom.

The trumpets sounded an hour after sunrise, an hour after noon, and an
hour before sunset. The third day came, but with it brought no hope. The
first and second summons met no response. At five o’clock the old Prince
called his daughter and blessed her. “I go to meet this Rowski,” said
he. “It may be we shall meet no more, my Helen--my child--the innocent
cause of all this grief. If I shall fall to-night the Rowski’s victim,
‘twill be that life is nothing without honor.” And so saying, he put
into her hands a dagger, and bade her sheathe it in her own breast so
soon as the terrible champion had carried the castle by storm.

This Helen most faithfully promised to do; and her aged father retired
to his armory, and donned his ancient war-worn corselet. It had borne
the shock of a thousand lances ere this, but it was now so tight as
almost to choke the knightly wearer.

The last trumpet sounded--tantara! tantara!--its shrill call rang over
the wide plains, and the wide plains gave back no answer. Again!--but
when its notes died away, there was only a mournful, an awful silence.
“Farewell, my child,” said the Prince, bulkily lifting himself into his
battle-saddle. “Remember the dagger. Hark! the trumpet sounds for the
third time. Open, warders! Sound, trumpeters! and good St. Bendigo guard
the right.”

But Puffendorff, the trumpeter, had not leisure to lift the trumpet to
his lips: when, hark! from without there came another note of another
clarion!--a distant note at first, then swelling fuller. Presently, in
brilliant variations, the full rich notes of the “Huntsman’s Chorus”
 came clearly over the breeze; and a thousand voices of the crowd gazing
over the gate exclaimed, “A champion! a champion!”

And, indeed, a champion HAD come. Issuing from the forest came a knight
and squire: the knight gracefully cantering an elegant cream-colored
Arabian of prodigious power--the squire mounted on an unpretending gray
cob; which, nevertheless, was an animal of considerable strength and
sinew. It was the squire who blew the trumpet, through the bars of his
helmet; the knight’s visor was completely down. A small prince’s
coronet of gold, from which rose three pink ostrich-feathers, marked
the warrior’s rank: his blank shield bore no cognizance. As gracefully
poising his lance he rode into the green space where the Rowski’s tents
were pitched, the hearts of all present beat with anxiety, and the poor
Prince of Cleves, especially, had considerable doubts about his new
champion. “So slim a figure as that can never compete with Donnerblitz,”
 said he, moodily, to his daughter; “but whoever he be, the fellow puts a
good face on it, and rides like a man. See, he has touched the Rowski’s
shield with the point of his lance! By St. Bendigo, a perilous venture!”

The unknown knight had indeed defied the Rowski to the death, as the
Prince of Cleves remarked from the battlement where he and his daughter
stood to witness the combat; and so, having defied his enemy, the
Incognito galloped round under the castle wall, bowing elegantly to the
lovely Princess there, and then took his ground and waited for the foe.
His armor blazed in the sunshine as he sat there, motionless, on his
cream-colored steed. He looked like one of those fairy knights one has
read of--one of those celestial champions who decided so many victories
before the invention of gun powder.

The Rowski’s horse was speedily brought to the door of his pavilion; and
that redoubted warrior, blazing in a suit of magnificent brass armor,
clattered into his saddle. Long waves of blood-red feathers bristled
over his helmet, which was farther ornamented by two huge horns of
the aurochs. His lance was painted white and red, and he whirled the
prodigious beam in the air and caught it with savage glee. He laughed
when he saw the slim form of his antagonist; and his soul rejoiced to
meet the coming battle. He dug his spurs into the enormous horse
he rode: the enormous horse snorted, and squealed, too, with fierce
pleasure. He jerked and curveted him with a brutal playfulness, and
after a few minutes’ turning and wheeling, during which everybody had
leisure to admire the perfection of his equitation, he cantered round to
a point exactly opposite his enemy, and pulled up his impatient charger.

The old Prince on the battlement was so eager for the combat, that he
seemed quite to forget the danger which menaced himself, should his slim
champion be discomfited by the tremendous Knight of Donnerblitz. “Go
it!” said he, flinging his truncheon into the ditch; and at the word,
the two warriors rushed with whirling rapidity at each other.

And now ensued a combat so terrible, that a weak female hand, like that
of her who pens this tale of chivalry, can never hope to do justice to
the terrific theme. You have seen two engines on the Great Western
line rush past each other with a pealing scream? So rapidly did the two
warriors gallop towards one another; the feathers of either streamed
yards behind their backs as they converged. Their shock as they met was
as that of two cannon-balls; the mighty horses trembled and reeled with
the concussion; the lance aimed at the Rowski’s helmet bore off the
coronet, the horns, the helmet itself, and hurled them to an incredible
distance: a piece of the Rowski’s left ear was carried off on the point
of the nameless warrior’s weapon. How had he fared? His adversary’s
weapon had glanced harmless along the blank surface of his polished
buckler; and the victory so far was with him.

The expression of the Rowski’s face, as, bareheaded, he glared on his
enemy with fierce bloodshot eyeballs, was one worthy of a demon. The
imprecatory expressions which he made use of can never be copied by a
feminine pen.

His opponent magnanimously declined to take advantage of the opportunity
thus offered him of finishing the combat by splitting his opponent’s
skull with his curtal-axe, and, riding back to his starting-place, bent
his lance’s point to the ground, in token that he would wait until the
Count of Eulenschreckenstein was helmeted afresh.

“Blessed Bendigo!” cried the Prince, “thou art a gallant lance: but why
didst not rap the Schelm’s brain out?”

“Bring me a fresh helmet!” yelled the Rowski. Another casque was brought
to him by his trembling squire.

As soon as he had braced it, he drew his great flashing sword from his
side, and rushed at his enemy, roaring hoarsely his cry of battle. The
unknown knight’s sword was unsheathed in a moment, and at the next the
two blades were clanking together the dreadful music of the combat!

The Donnerblitz wielded his with his usual savageness and activity.
It whirled round his adversary’s head with frightful rapidity. Now it
carried away a feather of his plume; now it shore off a leaf of his
coronet. The flail of the thrasher does not fall more swiftly upon the
corn. For many minutes it was the Unknown’s only task to defend himself
from the tremendous activity of the enemy.

But even the Rowski’s strength would slacken after exertion. The blows
began to fall less thick anon, and the point of the unknown knight
began to make dreadful play. It found and penetrated every joint of
the Donnerblitz’s armor. Now it nicked him in the shoulder where the
vambrace was buckled to the corselet; now it bored a shrewd hole under
the light brissart, and blood followed; now, with fatal dexterity, it
darted through the visor, and came back to the recover deeply
tinged with blood. A scream of rage followed the last thrust; and no
wonder:--it had penetrated the Rowski’s left eye.

His blood was trickling through a dozen orifices; he was almost choking
in his helmet with loss of breath, and loss of blood, and rage.
Gasping with fury, he drew back his horse, flung his great sword at his
opponent’s head, and once more plunged at him, wielding his curtal-axe.

Then you should have seen the unknown knight employing the same dreadful
weapon! Hitherto he had been on his defence; now he began the attack;
and the gleaming axe whirred in his hand like a reed, but descended like
a thunderbolt! “Yield! yield! Sir Rowski,” shouted he, in a calm, clear

A blow dealt madly at his head was the reply. ‘Twas the last blow that
the Count of Eulenschreckenstein ever struck in battle! The curse was on
his lips as the crushing steel descended into his brain, and split it
in two. He rolled like a log from his horse: his enemy’s knee was in
a moment on his chest, and the dagger of mercy at his throat, as the
knight once more called upon him to yield.

But there was no answer from within the helmet. When it was withdrawn,
the teeth were crunched together; the mouth that should have spoken,
grinned a ghastly silence: one eye still glared with hate and fury, but
it was glazed with the film of death!

The red orb of the sun was just then dipping into the Rhine. The unknown
knight, vaulting once more into his saddle, made a graceful obeisance to
the Prince of Cleves and his daughter, without a word, and galloped back
into the forest, whence he had issued an hour before sunset.



The consternation which ensued on the death of the Rowski, speedily sent
all his camp-followers, army, &c. to the right-about. They struck their
tents at the first news of his discomfiture; and each man laying hold
of what he could, the whole of the gallant force which had marched under
his banner in the morning had disappeared ere the sun rose.

On that night, as it may be imagined, the gates of the Castle of Cleves
were not shut. Everybody was free to come in. Wine-butts were broached
in all the courts; the pickled meat prepared in such lots for the siege
was distributed among the people, who crowded to congratulate their
beloved sovereign on his victory; and the Prince, as was customary with
that good man, who never lost an opportunity of giving a dinner-party,
had a splendid entertainment made ready for the upper classes, the whole
concluding with a tasteful display of fireworks.

In the midst of these entertainments, our old friend the Count of
Hombourg arrived at the castle. The stalwart old warrior swore by Saint
Bugo that he was grieved the killing of the Rowski had been taken out
of his hand. The laughing Cleves vowed by Saint Bendigo, Hombourg could
never have finished off his enemy so satisfactorily as the unknown
knight had just done.

But who was he? was the question which now agitated the bosom of these
two old nobles. How to find him--how to reward the champion and restorer
of the honor and happiness of Cleves? They agreed over supper that he
should be sought for everywhere. Beadles were sent round the principal
cities within fifty miles, and the description of the knight advertised,
in the Journal de Francfort and the Allgemeine Zeitung. The hand of the
Princess Helen was solemnly offered to him in these advertisements,
with the reversion of the Prince of Cleves’s splendid though somewhat
dilapidated property.

“But we don’t know him, my dear papa,” faintly ejaculated that young
lady. “Some impostor may come in a suit of plain armor, and pretend that
he was the champion who overcame the Rowski (a prince who had his faults
certainly, but whose attachment for me I can never forget); and how
are you to say whether he is the real knight or not? There are so many
deceivers in this world,” added the Princess, in tears, “that one
can’t be too cautious now.” The fact is, that she was thinking of the
desertion of Otto in the morning; by which instance of faithlessness her
heart was wellnigh broken.

As for that youth and his comrade Wolfgang, to the astonishment of
everybody at their impudence, they came to the archers’ mess that night,
as if nothing had happened; got their supper, partaking both of meat
and drink most plentifully; fell asleep when their comrades began to
describe the events of the day, and the admirable achievements of the
unknown warrior; and turning into their hammocks, did not appear on
parade in the morning until twenty minutes after the names were called.

When the Prince of Cleves heard of the return of these deserters he was
in a towering passion. “Where were you, fellows,” shouted he, “during
the time my castle was at its utmost need?”

Otto replied, “We were out on particular business.”

“Does a soldier leave his post on the day of battle, sir?” exclaimed the
Prince. “You know the reward of such--Death! and death you merit. But
you are a soldier only of yesterday, and yesterday’s victory has made me
merciful. Hanged you shall not be, as you merit--only flogged, both
of you. Parade the men, Colonel Tickelstern, after breakfast, and give
these scoundrels five hundred apiece.”

You should have seen how young Otto bounded, when this information was
thus abruptly conveyed to him. “Flog ME!” cried he. “Flog Otto of--”

“Not so, my father,” said the Princess Helen, who had been standing by
during the conversation, and who had looked at Otto all the while with
the most ineffable scorn. “Not so: although these PERSONS have forgotten
their duty” (she laid a particularly sarcastic emphasis on the word
persons), “we have had no need of their services, and have luckily found
OTHERS more faithful. You promised your daughter a boon, papa; it is the
pardon of these two PERSONS. Let them go, and quit a service they have
disgraced; a mistress--that is, a master--they have deceived.”

“Drum ‘em out of the castle, Ticklestern; strip their uniforms from
their backs, and never let me hear of the scoundrels again.” So saying,
the old Prince angrily turned on his heel to breakfast, leaving the two
young men to the fun and derision of their surrounding comrades.

The noble Count of Hombourg, who was taking his usual airing on the
ramparts before breakfast, came up at this juncture, and asked what was
the row? Otto blushed when he saw him and turned away rapidly; but the
Count, too, catching a glimpse of him, with a hundred exclamations of
joyful surprise seized upon the lad, hugged him to his manly breast,
kissed him most affectionately, and almost burst into tears as he
embraced him. For, in sooth, the good Count had thought his godson long
ere this at the bottom of the silver Rhine.

The Prince of Cleves, who had come to the breakfast-parlor window, (to
invite his guest to enter, as the tea was made,) beheld this strange
scene from the window, as did the lovely tea-maker likewise, with
breathless and beautiful agitation. The old Count and the archer
strolled up and down the battlements in deep conversation. By the
gestures of surprise and delight exhibited by the former, ‘twas easy to
see the young archer was conveying some very strange and pleasing
news to him; though the nature of the conversation was not allowed to

“A godson of mine,” said the noble Count, when interrogated over his
muffins. “I know his family; worthy people; sad scapegrace; ran away;
parents longing for him; glad you did not flog him; devil to pay,” and
so forth. The Count was a man of few words, and told his tale in this
brief, artless manner. But why, at its conclusion, did the gentle Helen
leave the room, her eyes filled with tears? She left the room once more
to kiss a certain lock of yellow hair she had pilfered. A dazzling,
delicious thought, a strange wild hope, arose in her soul!

When she appeared again, she made some side-handed inquiries regarding
Otto (with that gentle artifice oft employed by women); but he was gone.
He and his companion were gone. The Count of Hombourg had likewise taken
his departure, under pretext of particular business. How lonely the
vast castle seemed to Helen, now that HE was no longer there. The
transactions of the last few days; the beautiful archer-boy; the offer
from the Rowski (always an event in a young lady’s life); the siege
of the castle; the death of her truculent admirer: all seemed like a
fevered dream to her: all was passed away, and had left no trace behind.
No trace?--yes! one: a little insignificant lock of golden hair, over
which the young creature wept so much that she put it out of curl;
passing hours and hours in the summer-house, where the operation had
been performed.

On the second day (it is my belief she would have gone into a
consumption and died of languor, if the event had been delayed a day
longer,) a messenger, with a trumpet, brought a letter in haste to the
Prince of Cleves, who was, as usual, taking refreshment. “To the High
and Mighty Prince,” &c. the letter ran. “The Champion who had the honor
of engaging on Wednesday last with his late Excellency the Rowski of
Donnerblitz, presents his compliments to H. S. H. the Prince of Cleves.
Through the medium of the public prints the C. has been made acquainted
with the flattering proposal of His Serene Highness relative to a union
between himself (the Champion) and her Serene Highness the Princess
Helen of Cleves. The Champion accepts with pleasure that polite
invitation, and will have the honor of waiting upon the Prince and
Princess of Cleves about half an hour after the receipt of this letter.”

“Tol lol de rol, girl,” shouted the Prince with heartfelt joy. (Have you
not remarked, dear friend, how often in novel-books, and on the stage,
joy is announced by the above burst of insensate monosyllables?) “Tol
lol de rol. Don thy best kirtle, child; thy husband will be here anon.”
 And Helen retired to arrange her toilet for this awful event in the life
of a young woman. When she returned, attired to welcome her defender,
her young cheek was as pale as the white satin slip and orange sprigs
she wore.

She was scarce seated on the dais by her father’s side, when a huge
flourish of trumpets from without proclaimed the arrival of THE
CHAMPION. Helen felt quite sick: a draught of ether was necessary to
restore her tranquillity.

The great door was flung open. He entered,--the same tall warrior, slim,
and beautiful, blazing in shining steel. He approached the Prince’s
throne, supported on each side by a friend likewise in armor. He knelt
gracefully on one knee.

“I come,” said he in a voice trembling with emotion, “to claim, as per
advertisement, the hand of the lovely Lady Helen.” And he held out a
copy of the Allgemeine Zeitung as he spoke.

“Art thou noble, Sir Knight?” asked the Prince of Cleves.

“As noble as yourself,” answered the kneeling steel.

“Who answers for thee?”

“I, Karl, Margrave of Godesberg, his father!” said the knight on the
right hand, lifting up his visor.

“And I--Ludwig, Count of Hombourg, his godfather!” said the knight on
the left, doing likewise.

The kneeling knight lifted up his visor now, and looked on Helen.

“I KNEW IT WAS,” said she, and fainted as she saw Otto the Archer.

But she was soon brought to, gentles, as I have small need to tell ye.
In a very few days after, a great marriage took place at Cleves under
the patronage of Saint Bugo, Saint Buffo, and Saint Bendigo. After the
marriage ceremony, the happiest and handsomest pair in the world drove
off in a chaise-and-four, to pass the honeymoon at Kissingen. The Lady
Theodora, whom we left locked up in her convent a long while since, was
prevailed upon to come back to Godesberg, where she was reconciled to
her husband. Jealous of her daughter-in-law, she idolized her son,
and spoiled all her little grandchildren. And so all are happy, and my
simple tale is done.

I read it in an old, old book, in a mouldy old circulating library.
‘Twas written in the French tongue, by the noble Alexandre Dumas; but
‘tis probable that he stole it from some other, and that the other had
filched it from a former tale-teller. For nothing is new under the sun.
Things die and are reproduced only. And so it is that the forgotten tale
of the great Dumas reappears under the signature of


WHISTLEBINKIE, N.B., December 1.






Well-beloved novel-readers and gentle patronesses of romance, assuredly
it has often occurred to every one of you, that the books we delight
in have very unsatisfactory conclusions, and end quite prematurely with
page 320 of the third volume. At that epoch of the history it is well
known that the hero is seldom more than thirty years old, and the
heroine by consequence some seven or eight years younger; and I would
ask any of you whether it is fair to suppose that people after the above
age have nothing worthy of note in their lives, and cease to exist as
they drive away from Saint George’s, Hanover Square? You, dear young
ladies, who get your knowledge of life from the circulating library, may
be led to imagine that when the marriage business is done, and Emilia
is whisked off in the new travelling-carriage, by the side of the
enraptured Earl; or Belinda, breaking away from the tearful embraces
of her excellent mother, dries her own lovely eyes upon the throbbing
waistcoat of her bridegroom--you may be apt, I say, to suppose that all
is over then; that Emilia and the Earl are going to be happy for the
rest of their lives in his lordship’s romantic castle in the North, and
Belinda and her young clergyman to enjoy uninterrupted bliss in their
rose-trellised parsonage in the West of England: but some there be among
the novel-reading classes--old experienced folks--who know better than
this. Some there be who have been married, and found that they have
still something to see and to do, and to suffer mayhap; and that
adventures, and pains, and pleasures, and taxes, and sunrises and
settings, and the business and joys and griefs of life go on after, as
before the nuptial ceremony.

Therefore I say, it is an unfair advantage which the novelist takes of
hero and heroine, as of his inexperienced reader, to say good-by to the
two former, as soon as ever they are made husband and wife; and I have
often wished that additions should be made to all works of fiction which
have been brought to abrupt terminations in the manner described; and
that we should hear what occurs to the sober married man, as well as to
the ardent bachelor; to the matron, as well as to the blushing spinster.
And in this respect I admire (and would desire to imitate,) the noble
and prolific French author, Alexandre Dumas, who carries his heroes from
early youth down to the most venerable old age; and does not let them
rest until they are so old, that it is full time the poor fellows should
get a little peace and quiet. A hero is much too valuable a gentleman to
be put upon the retired list, in the prime and vigor of his youth; and
I wish to know what lady among us would like to be put on the shelf, and
thought no longer interesting, because she has a family growing up, and
is four or five and thirty years of age? I have known ladies at sixty,
with hearts as tender and ideas as romantic as any young misses of
sixteen. Let us have middle-aged novels then, as well as your extremely
juvenile legends: let the young ones be warned that the old folks have
a right to be interesting: and that a lady may continue to have a heart,
although she is somewhat stouter than she was when a school-girl, and a
man his feelings, although he gets his hair from Truefitt’s.

Thus I would desire that the biographies of many of our most illustrious
personages of romance should be continued by fitting hands, and that
they should be heard of, until at least a decent age.--Look at Mr.
James’s heroes: they invariably marry young. Look at Mr. Dickens’s:
they disappear from the scene when they are mere chits. I trust these
authors, who are still alive, will see the propriety of telling us
something more about people in whom we took a considerable interest,
and who must be at present strong and hearty, and in the full vigor
of health and intellect. And in the tales of the great Sir Walter (may
honor be to his name), I am sure there are a number of people who are
untimely carried away from us, and of whom we ought to hear more.

My dear Rebecca, daughter of Isaac of York, has always, in my mind, been
one of these; nor can I ever believe that such a woman, so admirable, so
tender, so heroic, so beautiful, could disappear altogether before such
another woman as Rowena, that vapid, flaxen-headed creature, who is,
in my humble opinion, unworthy of Ivanhoe, and unworthy of her place as
heroine. Had both of them got their rights, it ever seemed to me that
Rebecca would have had the husband, and Rowena would have gone off to
a convent and shut herself up, where I, for one, would never have taken
the trouble of inquiring for her.

But after all she married Ivanhoe. What is to be done? There is no help
for it. There it is in black and white at the end of the third volume
of Sir Walter Scott’s chronicle, that the couple were joined together in
matrimony. And must the Disinherited Knight, whose blood has been fired
by the suns of Palestine, and whose heart has been warmed in the company
of the tender and beautiful Rebecca, sit down contented for life by the
side of such a frigid piece of propriety as that icy, faultless, prim,
niminy-piminy Rowena? Forbid it fate, forbid it poetical justice! There
is a simple plan for setting matters right, and giving all parties their
due, which is here submitted to the novel-reader. Ivanhoe’s history MUST
have had a continuation; and it is this which ensues. I may be wrong in
some particulars of the narrative,--as what writer will not be?--but
of the main incidents of the history, I have in my own mind no sort of
doubt, and confidently submit them to that generous public which likes
to see virtue righted, true love rewarded, and the brilliant Fairy
descend out of the blazing chariot at the end of the pantomime, and make
Harlequin and Columbine happy. What, if reality be not so, gentlemen and
ladies; and if, after dancing a variety of jigs and antics, and jumping
in and out of endless trap-doors and windows, through life’s shifting
scenes, no fairy comes down to make US comfortable at the close of the
performance? Ah! let us give our honest novel-folks the benefit of their
position, and not be envious of their good luck.

No person who has read the preceding volumes of this history, as the
famous chronicler of Abbotsford has recorded them, can doubt for a
moment what was the result of the marriage between Sir Wilfrid of
Ivanhoe and Lady Rowena. Those who have marked her conduct during
her maidenhood, her distinguished politeness, her spotless modesty of
demeanor, her unalterable coolness under all circumstances, and her
lofty and gentlewomanlike bearing, must be sure that her married conduct
would equal her spinster behavior, and that Rowena the wife would be a
pattern of correctness for all the matrons of England.

Such was the fact. For miles around Rotherwood her character for piety
was known. Her castle was a rendezvous for all the clergy and monks of
the district, whom she fed with the richest viands, while she pinched
herself upon pulse and water. There was not an invalid in the three
Ridings, Saxon or Norman, but the palfrey of the Lady Rowena might
be seen journeying to his door, in company with Father Glauber, her
almoner, and Brother Thomas of Epsom, her leech. She lighted up all the
churches in Yorkshire with wax-candles, the offerings of her piety. The
bells of her chapel began to ring at two o’clock in the morning; and
all the domestics of Rotherwood were called upon to attend at matins,
at complins, at nones, at vespers, and at sermon. I need not say that
fasting was observed with all the rigors of the Church; and that those
of the servants of the Lady Rowena were looked upon with most favor
whose hair-shirts were the roughest, and who flagellated themselves with
the most becoming perseverance.

Whether it was that this discipline cleared poor Wamba’s wits or cooled
his humor, it is certain that he became the most melancholy fool in
England, and if ever he ventured upon a pun to the shuddering poor
servitors, who were mumbling their dry crusts below the salt, it was
such a faint and stale joke that noboby dared to laugh at the innuendoes
of the unfortunate wag, and a sickly smile was the best applause he
could muster. Once, indeed, when Guffo, the goose-boy (a half-witted
poor wretch), laughed outright at a lamentably stale pun which Wamba
palmed upon him at supper-time, (it was dark, and the torches being
brought in, Wamba said, “Guffo, they can’t see their way in the
argument, and are going TO THROW A LITTLE LIGHT UPON THE SUBJECT,”) the
Lady Rowena, being disturbed in a theological controversy with Father
Willibald, (afterwards canonized as St. Willibald, of Bareacres, hermit
and confessor,) called out to know what was the cause of the unseemly
interruption, and Guffo and Wamba being pointed out as the culprits,
ordered them straightway into the court-yard, and three dozen to be
administered to each of them.

“I got you out of Front-de-Boeufs castle,” said poor Wamba, piteously,
appealing to Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, “and canst thou not save me from
the lash?”

“Yes, from Front-de-Boeuf’s castle, WHERE YOU WERE LOCKED UP WITH THE
JEWESS IN THE TOWER!” said Rowena, haughtily replying to the timid
appeal of her husband. “Gurth, give him four dozen!”

And this was all poor Wamba got by applying for the mediation of his

In fact, Rowena knew her own dignity so well as a princess of the
royal blood of England, that Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, her consort, could
scarcely call his life his own, and was made, in all things, to feel the
inferiority of his station. And which of us is there acquainted with the
sex that has not remarked this propensity in lovely woman, and how often
the wisest in the council are made to be as fools at HER board, and the
boldest in the battle-field are craven when facing her distaff?

“Where you were locked up with the Jewess in the tower,” was a
remark, too, of which Wilfrid keenly felt, and perhaps the reader will
understand, the significancy. When the daughter of Isaac of York brought
her diamonds and rubies--the poor gentle victim!--and, meekly laying
them at the feet of the conquering Rowena, departed into foreign lands
to tend the sick of her people, and to brood over the bootless passion
which consumed her own pure heart, one would have thought that the heart
of the royal lady would have melted before such beauty and humility, and
that she would have been generous in the moment of her victory.

But did you ever know a right-minded woman pardon another for being
handsome and more love-worthy than herself? The Lady Rowena did
certainly say with mighty magnanimity to the Jewish maiden, “Come and
live with me as a sister,” as the former part of this history shows; but
Rebecca knew in her heart that her ladyship’s proposition was what
is called BOSH (in that noble Eastern language with which Wilfrid the
Crusader was familiar), or fudge, in plain Saxon; and retired with a
broken, gentle spirit, neither able to bear the sight of her rival’s
happiness, nor willing to disturb it by the contrast of her own
wretchedness. Rowena, like the most high-bred and virtuous of women,
never forgave Isaac’s daughter her beauty, nor her flirtation with
Wilfrid (as the Saxon lady chose to term it); nor, above all, her
admirable diamonds and jewels, although Rowena was actually in
possession of them.

In a word, she was always flinging Rebecca into Ivanhoe’s teeth. There
was not a day in his life but that unhappy warrior was made to remember
that a Hebrew damsel had been in love with him, and that a Christian
lady of fashion could never forgive the insult. For instance, if Gurth,
the swineherd, who was now promoted to be a gamekeeper and verderer,
brought the account of a famous wild-boar in the wood, and proposed a
hunt, Rowena would say, “Do, Sir Wilfrid, persecute these poor pigs: you
know your friends the Jews can’t abide them!” Or when, as it oft would
happen, our lion-hearted monarch, Richard, in order to get a loan or a
benevolence from the Jews, would roast a few of the Hebrew capitalists,
or extract some of the principal rabbis’ teeth, Rowena would exult and
say, “Serve them right, the misbelieving wretches! England can never be
a happy country until every one of these monsters is exterminated!” or
else, adopting a strain of still more savage sarcasm, would exclaim,
“Ivanhoe my dear, more persecution for the Jews! Hadn’t you better
interfere, my love? His Majesty will do anything for you; and, you know,
the Jews were ALWAYS SUCH FAVORITES OF YOURS,” or words to that effect.
But, nevertheless, her ladyship never lost an opportunity of wearing
Rebecca’s jewels at court, whenever the Queen held a drawing-room; or
at the York assizes and ball, when she appeared there: not of course
because she took any interest in such things, but because she considered
it her duty to attend, as one of the chief ladies of the county.

Thus Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, having attained the height of his wishes,
was, like many a man when he has reached that dangerous elevation,
disappointed. Ah, dear friends, it is but too often so in life! Many a
garden, seen from a distance, looks fresh and green, which, when
beheld closely, is dismal and weedy; the shady walks melancholy and
grass-grown; the bowers you would fain repose in, cushioned with
stinging-nettles. I have ridden in a caique upon the waters of the
Bosphorus, and looked upon the capital of the Soldan of Turkey. As seen
from those blue waters, with palace and pinnacle, with gilded dome and
towering cypress, it seemeth a very Paradise of Mahound: but, enter
the city, and it is but a beggarly labyrinth of rickety huts and dirty
alleys, where the ways are steep and the smells are foul, tenanted by
mangy dogs and ragged beggars--a dismal illusion! Life is such, ah,
well-a-day! It is only hope which is real, and reality is a bitterness
and a deceit.

Perhaps a man with Ivanhoe’s high principles would never bring himself
to acknowledge this fact; but others did for him. He grew thin, and
pined away as much as if he had been in a fever under the scorching sun
of Ascalon. He had no appetite for his meals; he slept ill, though he
was yawning all day. The jangling of the doctors and friars whom
Rowena brought together did not in the least enliven him, and he would
sometimes give proofs of somnolency during their disputes, greatly to
the consternation of his lady. He hunted a good deal, and, I very much
fear, as Rowena rightly remarked, that he might have an excuse for being
absent from home. He began to like wine, too, who had been as sober as a
hermit; and when he came back from Athelstane’s (whither he would
repair not unfrequently), the unsteadiness of his gait and the unnatural
brilliancy of his eye were remarked by his lady: who, you may be sure,
was sitting up for him. As for Athelstane, he swore by St. Wullstan that
he was glad to have escaped a marriage with such a pattern of propriety;
and honest Cedric the Saxon (who had been very speedily driven out of
his daughter-in-law’s castle) vowed by St. Waltheof that his son had
bought a dear bargain.

So Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe became almost as tired of England as his royal
master Richard was, (who always quitted the country when he had squeezed
from his loyal nobles, commons, clergy, and Jews, all the money which he
could get,) and when the lion-hearted Prince began to make war against
the French King, in Normandy and Guienne, Sir Wilfrid pined like a true
servant to be in company of the good champion, alongside of whom he
had shivered so many lances, and dealt such woundy blows of sword and
battle-axe on the plains of Jaffa or the breaches of Acre. Travellers
were welcome at Rotherwood that brought news from the camp of the good
King: and I warrant me that the knight listened with all his might when
Father Drono, the chaplain, read in the St. James’s Chronykyll (which
was the paper of news he of Ivanhoe took in) of “another glorious
triumph”--“Defeat of the French near Blois”--“Splendid victory at Epte,
and narrow escape of the French King:” the which deeds of arms the
learned scribes had to narrate.

However such tales might excite him during the reading, they left the
Knight of Ivanhoe only the more melancholy after listening: and the more
moody as he sat in his great hall silently draining his Gascony wine.
Silently sat he and looked at his coats-of-mail hanging vacant on the
wall, his banner covered with spider-webs, and his sword and axe rusting
there. “Ah, dear axe,” sighed he (into his drinking-horn)--“ah, gentle
steel! that was a merry time when I sent thee crashing into the pate of
the Emir Abdul Melik as he rode on the right of Saladin. Ah, my sword,
my dainty headsman? my sweet split-rib? my razor of infidel beards! is
the rust to eat thine edge off, and am I never more to wield thee in
battle? What is the use of a shield on a wall, or a lance that has a
cobweb for a pennon? O Richard, my good king, would I could hear once
more thy voice in the front of the onset! Bones of Brian the Templar?
would ye could rise from your grave at Templestowe, and that we might
break another spear for honor and--and--” . . .

“And REBECCA,” he would have said; but the knight paused here in rather
a guilty panic: and her Royal Highness the Princess Rowena (as she chose
to style herself at home) looked so hard at him out of her china-blue
eyes, that Sir Wilfrid felt as if she was reading his thoughts, and was
fain to drop his own eyes into his flagon.

In a word, his life was intolerable. The dinner hour of the twelfth
century, it is known, was very early; in fact, people dined at ten
o’clock in the morning: and after dinner Rowena sat mum under her
canopy, embroidered with the arms of Edward the Confessor, working with
her maidens at the most hideous pieces of tapestry, representing the
tortures and martyrdoms of her favorite saints, and not allowing a soul
to speak above his breath, except when she chose to cry out in her own
shrill voice when a handmaid made a wrong stitch, or let fall a ball of
worsted. It was a dreary life. Wamba, we have said, never ventured to
crack a joke, save in a whisper, when he was ten miles from home; and
then Sir Wilfrid Ivanhoe was too weary and blue-devilled to laugh; but
hunted in silence, moodily bringing down deer and wild-boar with shaft
and quarrel.

Then he besought Robin of Huntingdon, the jolly outlaw, nathless, to
join him, and go to the help of their fair sire King Richard, with a
score or two of lances. But the Earl of Huntingdon was a very different
character from Robin Hood the forester. There was no more conscientious
magistrate in all the county than his lordship: he was never known to
miss church or quarter-sessions; he was the strictest game-proprietor
in all the Riding, and sent scores of poachers to Botany Bay. “A man who
has a stake in the country, my good Sir Wilfrid,” Lord Huntingdon said,
with rather a patronizing air (his lordship had grown immensely fat
since the King had taken him into grace, and required a horse as strong
as an elephant to mount him)--“a man with a stake in the country
ought to stay IN the country. Property has its duties as well as its
privileges, and a person of my rank is bound to live on the land from
which he gets his living.”

“‘Amen!” sang out the Reverend ---- Tuck, his lordship’s domestic
chaplain, who had also grown as sleek as the Abbot of Jorvaulx, who was
as prim as a lady in his dress, wore bergamot in his handkerchief, and
had his poll shaved and his beard curled every day. And so sanctified
was his Reverence grown, that he thought it was a shame to kill the
pretty deer, (though he ate of them still hugely, both in pasties and
with French beans and currant-jelly,) and being shown a quarter-staff
upon a certain occasion, handled it curiously, and asked “what that ugly
great stick was?”

Lady Huntingdon, late Maid Marian, had still some of her old fun and
spirits, and poor Ivanhoe begged and prayed that she would come and
stay at Rotherwood occasionally, and egayer the general dulness of that
castle. But her ladyship said that Rowena gave herself such airs, and
bored her so intolerably with stories of King Edward the Confessor, that
she preferred any place rather than Rotherwood, which was as dull as if
it had been at the top of Mount Athos.

The only person who visited it was Athelstane. “His Royal Highness the
Prince” Rowena of course called him, whom the lady received with
royal honors. She had the guns fired, and the footmen turned out with
presented arms when he arrived; helped him to all Ivanhoe’s favorite
cuts of the mutton or the turkey, and forced her poor husband to
light him to the state bedroom, walking backwards, holding a pair of
wax-candles. At this hour of bedtime the Thane used to be in such a
condition, that he saw two pair of candles and two Ivanhoes reeling
before him. Let us hope it was not Ivanhoe that was reeling, but only
his kinsman’s brains muddled with the quantities of drink which it was
his daily custom to consume. Rowena said it was the crack which the
wicked Bois Guilbert, “the Jewess’s OTHER lover, Wilfrid my dear,”
 gave him on his royal skull, which caused the Prince to be disturbed so
easily; but added, that drinking became a person of royal blood, and was
but one of the duties of his station.

Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe saw it would be of no avail to ask this man to
bear him company on his projected tour abroad; but still he himself was
every day more and more bent upon going, and he long cast about for some
means of breaking to his Rowena his firm resolution to join the King.
He thought she would certainty fall ill if he communicated the news too
abruptly to her: he would pretend a journey to York to attend a grand
jury; then a call to London on law business or to buy stock; then he
would slip over to Calais by the packet, by degrees as it were; and
so be with the King before his wife knew that he was out of sight of
Westminster Hall.

“Suppose your honor says you are going as your honor would say Bo! to a
goose, plump, short, and to the point,” said Wamba the Jester--who was
Sir Wilfrid’s chief counsellor and attendant--“depend on’t her Highness
would bear the news like a Christian woman.”

“Tush, malapert! I will give thee the strap,” said Sir Wilfrid, in a
fine tone of high-tragedy indignation. “Thou knowest not the delicacy
of the nerves of high-born ladies. An she faint not, write me down

“I will wager my bauble against an Irish billet of exchange that she
will let your honor go off readily: that is, if you press not the matter
too strongly,” Wamba answered, knowingly. And this Ivanhoe found to his
discomfiture: for one morning at breakfast, adopting a degage air, as he
sipped his tea, he said, “My love, I was thinking of going over to pay
his Majesty a visit in Normandy.” Upon which, laying down her muffin,
(which, since the royal Alfred baked those cakes, had been the chosen
breakfast cate of noble Anglo-Saxons, and which a kneeling page tendered
to her on a salver, chased by the Florentine, Benvenuto Cellini,)--“When
do you think of going, Wilfrid my dear?” the lady said; and the moment
the tea-things were removed, and the tables and their trestles put away,
she set about mending his linen, and getting ready his carpet-bag.

So Sir Wilfrid was as disgusted at her readiness to part with him as he
had been weary of staying at home, which caused Wamba the Fool to say,
“Marry, gossip, thou art like the man on ship-board, who, when the
boatswain flogged him, did cry out ‘Oh!’ wherever the rope’s-end fell on
him: which caused Master Boatswain to say, ‘Plague on thee, fellow, and
a pize on thee, knave, wherever I hit thee there is no pleasing thee.’”

“And truly there are some backs which Fortune is always belaboring,”
 thought Sir Wilfrid with a groan, “and mine is one that is ever sore.”

So, with a moderate retinue, whereof the knave Wamba made one, and
a large woollen comforter round his neck, which his wife’s own white
fingers had woven, Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe left home to join the King his
master. Rowena, standing on the steps, poured out a series of prayers
and blessings, most edifying to hear, as her lord mounted his charger,
which his squires led to the door. “It was the duty of the British
female of rank,” she said, “to suffer all--ALL in the cause of her
sovereign. SHE would not fear loneliness during the campaign: she would
bear up against widowhood, desertion, and an unprotected situation.”

“My cousin Athelstane will protect thee,” said Ivanhoe, with profound
emotion, as the tears trickled down his basenet; and bestowing a chaste
salute upon the steel-clad warrior, Rowena modestly said “she hoped his
Highness would be so kind.”

Then Ivanhoe’s trumpet blew: then Rowena waved her pocket-handkerchief:
then the household gave a shout: then the pursuivant of the good Knight,
Sir Wilfrid the Crusader, flung out his banner (which was argent, a
gules cramoisy with three Moors impaled sable): then Wamba gave a lash
on his mule’s haunch, and Ivanhoe, heaving a great sigh, turned the tail
of his war-horse upon the castle of his fathers.

As they rode along the forest, they met Athelstane the Thane powdering
along the road in the direction of Rotherwood on his great dray-horse
of a charger. “Good-by, good luck to you, old brick,” cried the Prince,
using the vernacular Saxon. “Pitch into those Frenchmen; give it ‘em
over the face and eyes; and I’ll stop at home and take care of Mrs. I.”

“Thank you, kinsman,” said Ivanhoe--looking, however, not particularly
well pleased; and the chiefs shaking hands, the train of each took its
different way--Athelstane’s to Rotherwood, Ivanhoe’s towards his place
of embarkation.

The poor knight had his wish, and yet his face was a yard long and as
yellow as a lawyer’s parchment; and having longed to quit home any time
these three years past, he found himself envying Athelstane, because,
forsooth, he was going to Rotherwood: which symptoms of discontent being
observed by the witless Wamba, caused that absurd madman to bring his
rebeck over his shoulder from his back, and to sing--

               “ATRA CURA.

     “Before I lost my five poor wits,
     I mind me of a Romish clerk,
     Who sang how Care, the phantom dark,
     Beside the belted horseman sits.
     Methought I saw the griesly sprite
     Jump up but now behind my Knight.”

“Perhaps thou didst, knave,” said Ivanhoe, looking over his shoulder;
and the knave went on with his jingle:

     “And though he gallop as he may,
     I mark that cursed monster black
     Still sits behind his honor’s back,
     Tight squeezing of his heart alway.
     Like two black Templars sit they there,
     Beside one crupper, Knight and Care.

     “No knight am I with pennoned spear,
     To prance upon a bold destrere:
     I will not have black Care prevail
     Upon my long-eared charger’s tail,
     For lo, I am a witless fool,
     And laugh at Grief and ride a mule.”

And his bells rattled as he kicked his mule’s sides.

“Silence, fool!” said Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, in a voice both majestic
and wrathful. “If thou knowest not care and grief, it is because thou
knowest not love, whereof they are the companions. Who can love without
an anxious heart? How shall there be joy at meeting, without tears at
parting?” (“I did not see that his honor or my lady shed many anon,”
 thought Wamba the Fool; but he was only a zany, and his mind was not
right.) “I would not exchange my very sorrows for thine indifference,”
 the knight continued. “Where there is a sun, there must be a shadow. If
the shadow offend me, shall I put out my eyes and live in the dark? No!
I am content with my fate, even such as it is. The Care of which thou
speakest, hard though it may vex him, never yet rode down an honest
man. I can bear him on my shoulders, and make my way through the world’s
press in spite of him; for my arm is strong, and my sword is keen, and
my shield has no stain on it; and my heart, though it is sad, knows no
guile.” And here, taking a locket out of his waistcoat (which was made
of chain-mail), the knight kissed the token, put it back under the
waistcoat again, heaved a profound sigh, and stuck spurs into his horse.

As for Wamba, he was munching a black pudding whilst Sir Wilfrid
was making the above speech, (which implied some secret grief on the
knight’s part, that must have been perfectly unintelligible to the
fool,) and so did not listen to a single word of Ivanhoe’s pompous
remarks. They travelled on by slow stages through the whole kingdom,
until they came to Dover, whence they took shipping for Calais. And in
this little voyage, being exceedingly sea-sick, and besides elated at
the thought of meeting his sovereign, the good knight cast away that
profound melancholy which had accompanied him during the whole of his
land journey.



From Calais Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe took the diligence across country to
Limoges, sending on Gurth, his squire, with the horses and the rest of
his attendants: with the exception of Wamba, who travelled not only as
the knight’s fool, but as his valet, and who, perched on the roof of the
carriage, amused himself by blowing tunes upon the conducteur’s French
horn. The good King Richard was, as Ivanhoe learned, in the Limousin,
encamped before a little place called Chalus; the lord whereof, though a
vassal of the King’s, was holding the castle against his sovereign with
a resolution and valor which caused a great fury and annoyance on the
part of the Monarch with the Lion Heart. For brave and magnanimous as
he was, the Lion-hearted one did not love to be balked any more than
another; and, like the royal animal whom he was said to resemble, he
commonly tore his adversary to pieces, and then, perchance, had leisure
to think how brave the latter had been. The Count of Chalus had found,
it was said, a pot of money; the royal Richard wanted it. As the count
denied that he had it, why did he not open the gates of his castle
at once? It was a clear proof that he was guilty; and the King was
determined to punish this rebel, and have his money and his life too.

He had naturally brought no breaching guns with him, because those
instruments were not yet invented: and though he had assaulted the place
a score of times with the utmost fury, his Majesty had been beaten
back on every occasion, until he was so savage that it was dangerous
to approach the British Lion. The Lion’s wife, the lovely Berengaria,
scarcely ventured to come near him. He flung the joint-stools in his
tent at the heads of the officers of state, and kicked his aides-de-camp
round his pavilion; and, in fact, a maid of honor, who brought a
sack-posset in to his Majesty from the Queen after he came in from the
assault, came spinning like a football out of the royal tent just as
Ivanhoe entered it.

“Send me my drum-major to flog that woman!” roared out the infuriate
King. “By the bones of St. Barnabas she has burned the sack! By St.
Wittikind, I will have her flayed alive. Ha, St. George! ha, St.
Richard! whom have we here?” And he lifted up his demi-culverin, or
curtal-axe--a weapon weighing about thirteen hundredweight--and was
about to fling it at the intruder’s head, when the latter, kneeling
gracefully on one knee, said calmly, “It is I, my good liege, Wilfrid of

“What, Wilfrid of Templestowe, Wilfrid the married man, Wilfrid the
henpecked!” cried the King with a sudden burst of good-humor, flinging
away the culverin from him, as though it had been a reed (it lighted
three hundred yards off, on the foot of Hugo de Bunyon, who was smoking
a cigar at the door of his tent, and caused that redoubted warrior to
limp for some days after). “What, Wilfrid my gossip? Art come to see
the lion’s den? There are bones in it, man, bones and carcasses, and the
lion is angry,” said the King, with a terrific glare of his eyes. “But
tush! we will talk of that anon. Ho! bring two gallons of hypocras for
the King and the good Knight, Wilfrid of Ivanhoe. Thou art come in
time, Wilfrid, for, by St. Richard and St. George, we will give a grand
assault to-morrow. There will be bones broken, ha!”

“I care not, my liege,” said Ivanhoe, pledging the sovereign
respectfully, and tossing off the whole contents of the bowl of hypocras
to his Highness’s good health. And he at once appeared to be taken into
high favor; not a little to the envy of many of the persons surrounding
the King.

As his Majesty said, there was fighting and feasting in plenty before
Chalus. Day after day, the besiegers made assaults upon the castle, but
it was held so stoutly by the Count of Chalus and his gallant
garrison, that each afternoon beheld the attacking-parties returning
disconsolately to their tents, leaving behind them many of their own
slain, and bringing back with them store of broken heads and maimed
limbs, received in the unsuccessful onset. The valor displayed by
Ivanhoe in all these contests was prodigious; and the way in which
he escaped death from the discharges of mangonels, catapults,
battering-rams, twenty-four pounders, boiling oil, and other artillery,
with which the besieged received their enemies, was remarkable. After
a day’s fighting, Gurth and Wamba used to pick the arrows out of their
intrepid master’s coat-of-mail, as if they had been so many almonds in
a pudding. ‘Twas well for the good knight, that under his first coat-of
armor he wore a choice suit of Toledan steel, perfectly impervious to
arrow-shots, and given to him by a certain Jew, named Isaac of York, to
whom he had done some considerable services a few years back.

If King Richard had not been in such a rage at the repeated failures of
his attacks upon the castle, that all sense of justice was blinded in
the lion-hearted monarch, he would have been the first to acknowledge
the valor of Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, and would have given him a Peerage
and the Grand Cross of the Bath at least a dozen times in the course of
the siege: for Ivanhoe led more than a dozen storming parties, and with
his own hand killed as many men (viz, two thousand three hundred
and fifty-one) within six, as were slain by the lion-hearted monarch
himself. But his Majesty was rather disgusted than pleased by his
faithful servant’s prowess; and all the courtiers, who hated Ivanhoe for
his superior valor and dexterity (for he would kill you off a couple of
hundreds of them of Chalus, whilst the strongest champions of the Kings
host could not finish more than their two dozen of a day), poisoned the
royal mind against Sir Wilfrid, and made the King look upon his feats of
arms with an evil eye. Roger de Backbite sneeringly told the King that
Sir Wilfrid had offered to bet an equal bet that he would kill more men
than Richard himself in the next assault: Peter de Toadhole said that
Ivanhoe stated everywhere that his Majesty was not the man he used to
be; that pleasures and drink had enervated him; that he could neither
ride, nor strike a blow with sword or axe, as he had been enabled to do
in the old times in Palestine: and finally, in the twenty-fifth assault,
in which they had very nearly carried the place, and in which onset
Ivanhoe slew seven, and his Majesty six, of the sons of the Count de
Chalus, its defender, Ivanhoe almost did for himself, by planting his
banner before the King’s upon the wall; and only rescued himself from
utter disgrace by saving his Majesty’s life several times in the course
of this most desperate onslaught.

Then the luckless knight’s very virtues (as, no doubt, my respected
readers know,) made him enemies amongst the men--nor was Ivanhoe liked
by the women frequenting the camp of the gay King Richard. His young
Queen, and a brilliant court of ladies, attended the pleasure-loving
monarch. His Majesty would transact business in the morning, then fight
severely from after breakfast till about three o’clock in the afternoon;
from which time, until after midnight, there was nothing but jigging
and singing, feasting and revelry, in the royal tents. Ivanhoe, who
was asked as a matter of ceremony, and forced to attend these
entertainments, not caring about the blandishments of any of the ladies
present, looked on at their ogling and dancing with a countenance as
glum as an undertaker’s, and was a perfect wet-blanket in the midst
of the festivities. His favorite resort and conversation were with a
remarkably austere hermit, who lived in the neighborhood of Chalus, and
with whom Ivanhoe loved to talk about Palestine, and the Jews, and other
grave matters of import, better than to mingle in the gayest amusements
of the court of King Richard. Many a night, when the Queen and the
ladies were dancing quadrilles and polkas (in which his Majesty, who was
enormously stout as well as tall, insisted upon figuring, and in which
he was about as graceful as an elephant dancing a hornpipe), Ivanhoe
would steal away from the ball, and come and have a night’s chat under
the moon with his reverend friend. It pained him to see a man of the
King’s age and size dancing about with the young folks. They laughed
at his Majesty whilst they flattered him: the pages and maids of honor
mimicked the royal mountebank almost to his face; and, if Ivanhoe ever
could have laughed, he certainly would one night when the King, in
light-blue satin inexpressibles, with his hair in powder, chose to dance
the minuet de la cour with the little Queen Berangeria.

Then, after dancing, his Majesty must needs order a guitar, and begin to
sing. He was said to compose his own songs--words and music--but those
who have read Lord Campobello’s “Lives of the Lord Chancellors” are
aware that there was a person by the name of Blondel, who, in fact, did
all the musical part of the King’s performances; and as for the words,
when a king writes verses, we may be sure there will be plenty of people
to admire his poetry. His Majesty would sing you a ballad, of which
he had stolen every idea, to an air that was ringing on all the
barrel-organs of Christendom, and, turning round to his courtiers, would
say, “How do you like that? I dashed it off this morning.” Or, “Blondel,
what do you think of this movement in B flat?” or what not; and the
courtiers and Blondel, you may be sure, would applaud with all their
might, like hypocrites as they were.

One evening--it was the evening of the 27th March, 1199, indeed--his
Majesty, who was in the musical mood, treated the court with a quantity
of his so-called composition, until the people were fairly tired of
clapping with their hands and laughing in their sleeves. First he sang
an ORIGINAL air and poem, beginning

     “Cherries nice, cherries nice, nice, come choose,
     Fresh and fair ones, who’ll refuse?” &c.

The which he was ready to take his affidavit he had composed the day
before yesterday. Then he sang an equally ORIGINAL heroic melody, of
which the chorus was

     “Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the sea,
     For Britons never, never, never slaves shall be,” &c.

The courtiers applauded this song as they did the other, all except
Ivanhoe, who sat without changing a muscle of his features, until the
King questioned him, when the knight, with a bow said “he thought he had
heard something very like the air and the words elsewhere.” His Majesty
scowled at him a savage glance from under his red bushy eyebrows; but
Ivanhoe had saved the royal life that day, and the King, therefore, with
difficulty controlled his indignation.

“Well,” said he, “by St. Richard and St. George, but ye never heard THIS
song, for I composed it this very afternoon as I took my bath after the
melee. Did I not, Blondel?”

Blondel, of course, was ready to take an affidavit that his Majesty had
done as he said, and the King, thrumming on his guitar with his great
red fingers and thumbs, began to sing out of tune and as follows:--


     “The Pope he is a happy man,
     His Palace is the Vatican,
     And there he sits and drains his can:
     The Pope he is a happy man.
     I often say when I’m at home,
     I’d like to be the Pope of Rome.

     “And then there’s Sultan Saladin,
     That Turkish Soldan full of sin;
     He has a hundred wives at least,
     By which his pleasure is increased:
     I’ve often wished, I hope no sin,
     That I were Sultan Saladin.

     “But no, the Pope no wife may choose,
     And so I would not wear his shoes;
     No wine may drink the proud Paynim,
     And so I’d rather not be him:
     My wife, my wine, I love I hope,
     And would be neither Turk nor Pope.”

“Encore! Encore! Bravo! Bis!” Everybody applauded the King’s song with
all his might: everybody except Ivanhoe, who preserved his abominable
gravity: and when asked aloud by Roger de Backbite whether he had heard
that too, said firmly, “Yes, Roger de Backbite; and so hast thou if thou
darest but tell the truth.”

“Now, by St. Cicely, may I never touch gittern again,” bawled the King
in a fury, “if every note, word, and thought be not mine; may I die in
to-morrow’s onslaught if the song be not my song. Sing thyself, Wilfrid
of the Lanthorn Jaws; thou could’st sing a good song in old times.” And
with all his might, and with a forced laugh, the King, who loved brutal
practical jests, flung his guitar at the head of Ivanhoe.

Sir Wilfrid caught it gracefully with one hand, and making an elegant
bow to the sovereign, began to chant as follows:--

                             “KING CANUTE.

     “King Canute was weary-hearted; he had reigned for years a score,
     Battling, struggling, pushing, fighting, killing much and robbing
     And he thought upon his actions, walking by the wild sea-shore.

     “‘Twixt the Chancellor and Bishop walked the King with steps
     Chamberlains and grooms came after, silversticks and goldsticks
     Chaplains, aides-de-camp, and pages,--all the officers of state.

     “Sliding after like his shadow, pausing when he chose to pause,
     If a frown his face contracted, straight the courtiers dropped
          their jaws;
     If to laugh the King was minded, out they burst in loud hee-haws.

     “But that day a something vexed him, that was clear to old and
     Thrice his Grace had yawned at table, when his favorite gleemen
     Once the Queen would have consoled him, but he bade her hold her

     “‘Something ails my gracious master,’ cried the Keeper of the Seal.
     ‘Sure, my lord, it is the lampreys served at dinner, or the veal?’
     ‘Psha!’ exclaimed the angry monarch.  ‘Keeper, ‘tis not that I

     “‘’Tis the HEART, and not the dinner, fool, that doth my rest
     Can a King be great as I am, prithee, and yet know no care?
     Oh, I’m sick, and tired, and weary.’--Some one cried, ‘The King’s

     “Then towards the lackeys turning, quick my Lord the Keeper nodded,
     Straight the King’s great chair was brought him, by two footmen
     Languidly he sank into it: it was comfortably wadded.

     “‘Leading on my fierce companions,’ cried be, ‘over storm and
     I have fought and I have conquered!  Where was glory like to mine?’
     Loudly all the courtiers echoed: ‘Where is glory like to thine?’

     “‘What avail me all my kingdoms?  Weary am I now, and old;
     Those fair sons I have begotten, long to see me dead and cold;
     Would I were, and quiet buried, underneath the silent mould!

     “‘Oh, remorse, the writhing serpent! at my bosom tears and bites;
     Horrid, horrid things I look on, though I put out all the lights;
     Ghosts of ghastly recollections troop about my bed of nights.

     “‘Cities burning, convents blazing, red with sacrilegious fires;
     Mothers weeping, virgins screaming, vainly for their slaughtered
     sires.’--Such a tender conscience,’ cries the Bishop, ‘every
          one admires.

     “‘But for such unpleasant bygones, cease, my gracious lord, to
     They’re forgotten and forgiven by our Holy Mother Church;
     Never, never does she leave her benefactors in the lurch.

     “‘Look! the land is crowned with minsters, which your Grace’s
          bounty raised;
     Abbeys filled with holy men, where you and Heaven are daily
     YOU, my lord, to think of dying? on my conscience I’m amazed!’

     “‘Nay, I feel,’ replied King Canute, ‘that my end is drawing near.’
     ‘Don’t say so,’ exclaimed the courtiers (striving each to squeeze a
     ‘Sure your Grace is strong and lusty, and may live this fifty

     “‘Live these fifty years!’ the Bishop roared, with actions made to
     ‘Are you mad, my good Lord Keeper, thus to speak of King Canute!
     Men have lived a thousand years, and sure his Majesty will do’t.

     “‘Adam, Enoch, Lamech, Cainan, Mahaleel, Methusela,
     Lived nine hundred years apiece, and mayn’t the King as well as
     ‘Fervently,’ exclaimed the Keeper, ‘fervently I trust he may.’

     “‘HE to die?’ resumed the Bishop.  ‘He a mortal like to US?
     Death was not for him intended, though communis omnibus:
     Keeper, you are irreligious, for to talk and cavil thus.

     “‘With his wondrous skill in healing ne’er a doctor can compete,
     Loathsome lepers, if he touch them, start up clean upon their feet;
     Surely he could raise the dead up, did his Highness think it meet.

     “‘Did not once the Jewish captain stay the sun upon the hill,
     And, the while he slew the foemen, bid the silver moon stand still?
     So, no doubt, could gracious Canute, if it were his sacred will.’

     “‘Might I stay the sun above us, good Sir Bishop?’ Canute cried;
     ‘Could I bid the silver moon to pause upon her heavenly ride?
     If the moon obeys my orders, sure I can command the tide.

     “‘Will the advancing waves obey me, Bishop, if I make the sign?’
     Said the Bishop, bowing lowly, ‘Land and sea, my lord, are thine.’
     Canute turned towards the ocean--‘Back!’ he said, ‘thou foaming

     “‘From the sacred shore I stand on, I command thee to retreat;
     Venture not, thou stormy rebel, to approach thy master’s seat:
     Ocean, be thou still! I bid thee come not nearer to my feet!’

     “But the sullen ocean answered with a louder, deeper roar,
     And the rapid waves drew nearer, falling sounding on the shore;
     Back the Keeper and the Bishop, back the King and courtiers bore.

     “And he sternly bade them never more to kneel to human clay,
     But alone to praise and worship That which earth and seas obey:
     And his golden crown of empire never wore he from that day.
     King Canute is dead and gone: Parasites exist alway.”

At this ballad, which, to be sure, was awfully long, and as grave as a
sermon, some of the courtiers tittered, some yawned, and some affected
to be asleep and snore outright. But Roger de Backbite thinking to curry
favor with the King by this piece of vulgarity, his Majesty fetched
him a knock on the nose and a buffet on the ear, which, I warrant me,
wakened Master Roger; to whom the King said, “Listen and be civil,
slave; Wilfrid is singing about thee.--Wilfrid, thy ballad is long, but
it is to the purpose, and I have grown cool during thy homily. Give
me thy hand, honest friend. Ladies, good night. Gentlemen, we give the
grand assault to-morrow; when I promise thee, Wilfrid, thy banner shall
not be before mine.”--And the King, giving his arm to her Majesty,
retired into the private pavilion.



Whilst the royal Richard and his court were feasting in the camp outside
the walls of Chalus, they of the castle were in the most miserable
plight that may be conceived. Hunger, as well as the fierce assaults
of the besiegers, had made dire ravages in the place. The garrison’s
provisions of corn and cattle, their very horses, dogs, and donkeys had
been eaten up--so that it might well be said by Wamba “that famine, as
well as slaughter, had THINNED the garrison.” When the men of Chalus
came on the walls to defend it against the scaling-parties of King
Richard, they were like so many skeletons in armor; they could hardly
pull their bowstrings at last, or pitch down stones on the heads of his
Majesty’s party, so weak had their arms become; and the gigantic Count
of Chalus--a warrior as redoubtable for his size and strength as Richard
Plantagenet himself--was scarcely able to lift up his battle-axe upon
the day of that last assault, when Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe ran him
through the--but we are advancing matters.

What should prevent me from describing the agonies of hunger which the
Count (a man of large appetite) suffered in company with his heroic sons
and garrison?--Nothing, but that Dante has already done the business
in the notorious history of Count Ugolino; so that my efforts might be
considered as mere imitations. Why should I not, if I were minded to
revel in horrifying details, show you how the famished garrison drew
lots, and ate themselves during the siege; and how the unlucky lot
falling upon the Countess of Chalus, that heroic woman, taking an
affectionate leave of her family, caused her large caldron in the castle
kitchen to be set a-boiling, had onions, carrots and herbs, pepper and
salt made ready, to make a savory soup, as the French like it; and when
all things were quite completed, kissed her children, jumped into the
caldron from off a kitchen stool, and so was stewed down in her flannel
bed-gown? Dear friends, it is not from want of imagination, or from
having no turn for the terrible or pathetic, that I spare you these
details. I could give you some description that would spoil your dinner
and night’s rest, and make your hair stand on end. But why harrow your
feelings? Fancy all the tortures and horrors that possibly can occur in
a beleaguered and famished castle: fancy the feelings of men who know
that no more quarter will be given them than they would get if they
were peaceful Hungarian citizens kidnapped and brought to trial by his
Majesty the Emperor of Austria; and then let us rush on to the breach
and prepare once more to meet the assault of dreadful King Richard and
his men.

On the 29th of March in the year 1199, the good King, having copiously
partaken of breakfast, caused his trumpets to blow, and advanced with
his host upon the breach of the castle of Chalus. Arthur de Pendennis
bore his banner; Wilfrid of Ivanhoe fought on the King’s right hand.
Molyneux, Bishop of Bullocksmithy, doffed crosier and mitre for that
day, and though fat and pursy, panted up the breach with the most
resolute spirit, roaring out war-cries and curses, and wielding a
prodigious mace of iron, with which he did good execution. Roger de
Backbite was forced to come in attendance upon the sovereign, but took
care to keep in the rear of his august master, and to shelter behind his
huge triangular shield as much as possible. Many lords of note followed
the King and bore the ladders; and as they were placed against the wall,
the air was perfectly dark with the shower of arrows which the French
archers poured out at the besiegers, and the cataract of stones,
kettles, bootjacks, chests of drawers, crockery, umbrellas,
congreve-rockets, bombshells, bolts and arrows and other missiles
which the desperate garrison flung out on the storming-party. The King
received a copper coal-scuttle right over his eyes, and a mahogany
wardrobe was discharged at his morion, which would have felled an
ox, and would have done for the King had not Ivanhoe warded it off
skilfully. Still they advanced, the warriors falling around them like
grass beneath the scythe of the mower.

The ladders were placed in spite of the hail of death raining round: the
King and Ivanhoe were, of course, the first to mount them. Chalus stood
in the breach, borrowing strength from despair; and roaring out, “Ha!
Plantagenet, St. Barbacue for Chalus!” he dealt the King a crack across
the helmet with his battle-axe, which shore off the gilt lion and
crown that surmounted the steel cap. The King bent and reeled back; the
besiegers were dismayed; the garrison and the Count of Chalus set up a
shout of triumph: but it was premature.

As quick as thought Ivanhoe was into the Count with a thrust in tierce,
which took him just at the joint of the armor, and ran him through as
clean as a spit does a partridge. Uttering a horrid shriek, he fell
back writhing; the King recovering staggered up the parapet; the rush
of knights followed, and the union-jack was planted triumphantly on the
walls, just as Ivanhoe,--but we must leave him for a moment.

“Ha, St. Richard!--ha, St. George!” the tremendous voice of the
Lion-king was heard over the loudest roar of the onset. At every sweep
of his blade a severed head flew over the parapet, a spouting trunk
tumbled, bleeding, on the flags of the bartizan. The world hath never
seen a warrior equal to that Lion-hearted Plantagenet, as he raged
over the keep, his eyes flashing fire through the bars of his morion,
snorting and chafing with the hot lust of battle. One by one les enfans
de Chalus had fallen; there was only one left at last of all the brave
race that had fought round the gallant Count:--only one, and but a boy,
a fair-haired boy, a blue-eyed boy! he had been gathering pansies in the
fields but yesterday--it was but a few years, and he was a baby in his
mother’s arms! What could his puny sword do against the most redoubted
blade in Christendom?--and yet Bohemond faced the great champion of
England, and met him foot to foot! Turn away, turn away, my dear young
friends and kind-hearted ladies! Do not look at that ill-fated poor boy!
his blade is crushed into splinters under the axe of the conqueror, and
the poor child is beaten to his knee! . . .

“Now, by St. Barbacue of Limoges,” said Bertrand de Gourdon, “the
butcher will never strike down yonder lambling! Hold thy hand, Sir King,
or, by St. Barbacue--”

Swift as thought the veteran archer raised his arblast to his shoulder,
the whizzing bolt fled from the ringing string, and the next moment
crashed quivering into the corselet of Plantagenet.

‘Twas a luckless shot, Bertrand of Gourdon! Maddened by the pain of the
wound, the brute nature of Richard was aroused: his fiendish appetite
for blood rose to madness, and grinding his teeth, and with a curse too
horrible to mention, the flashing axe of the royal butcher fell down
on the blond ringlets of the child, and the children of Chalus were no
more! . . .

I just throw this off by way of description, and to show what MIGHT be
done if I chose to indulge in this style of composition; but as in the
battles which are described by the kindly chronicler, of one of whose
works this present masterpiece is professedly a continuation, everything
passes off agreeably--the people are slain, but without any unpleasant
sensation to the reader; nay, some of the most savage and blood-stained
characters of history, such is the indomitable good-humor of the great
novelist, become amiable, jovial companions, for whom one has a hearty
sympathy--so, if you please, we will have this fighting business at
Chalus, and the garrison and honest Bertrand of Gourdon, disposed of;
the former, according to the usage of the good old times, having been
hung up or murdered to a man, and the latter killed in the manner
described by the late Dr. Goldsmith in his History.

As for the Lion-hearted, we all very well know that the shaft of
Bertrand de Gourdon put an end to the royal hero--and that from that
29th of March he never robbed nor murdered any more. And we have legends
in recondite books of the manner of the King’s death.

“You must die, my son,” said the venerable Walter of Rouen, as
Berengaria was carried shrieking from the King’s tent. “Repent, Sir
King, and separate yourself from your children!”

“It is ill jesting with a dying man,” replied the King. “Children have I
none, my good lord bishop, to inherit after me.”

“Richard of England,” said the archbishop, turning up his fine eyes,
“your vices are your children. Ambition is your eldest child, Cruelty
is your second child, Luxury is your third child; and you have nourished
them from your youth up. Separate yourself from these sinful ones, and
prepare your soul, for the hour of departure draweth nigh.”

Violent, wicked, sinful, as he might have been, Richard of England met
his death like a Christian man. Peace be to the soul of the brave! When
the news came to King Philip of France, he sternly forbade his courtiers
to rejoice at the death of his enemy. “It is no matter of joy but of
dolor,” he said, “that the bulwark of Christendom and the bravest king
of Europe is no more.”

Meanwhile what has become of Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, whom we left in the
act of rescuing his sovereign by running the Count of Chalus through the

As the good knight stooped down to pick his sword out of the corpse of
his fallen foe, some one coming behind him suddenly thrust a dagger into
his back at a place where his shirt-of-mail was open (for Sir Wilfrid
had armed that morning in a hurry, and it was his breast, not his back,
that he was accustomed ordinarily to protect); and when poor Wamba came
up on the rampart, which he did when the fighting was over,--being
such a fool that he could not be got to thrust his head into danger for
glory’s sake--he found his dear knight with the dagger in his back
lying without life upon the body of the Count de Chalus whom he had anon

Ah, what a howl poor Wamba set up when he found his master killed!
How he lamented over the corpse of that noble knight and friend! What
mattered it to him that Richard the King was borne wounded to his tent,
and that Bertrand de Gourdon was flayed alive? At another time the sight
of this spectacle might have amused the simple knave; but now all his
thoughts were of his lord: so good, so gentle, so kind, so loyal, so
frank with the great, so tender to the poor, so truthful of speech, so
modest regarding his own merit, so true a gentleman, in a word, that
anybody might, with reason, deplore him.

As Wamba opened the dear knight’s corselet, he found a locket round
his neck, in which there was some hair; not flaxen like that of my
Lady Rowena, who was almost as fair as an Albino, but as black, Wamba
thought, as the locks of the Jewish maiden whom the knight had rescued
in the lists of Templestowe. A bit of Rowena’s hair was in Sir Wilfrid’s
possession, too; but that was in his purse along with his seal of arms,
and a couple of groats: for the good knight never kept any money, so
generous was he of his largesses when money came in.

Wamba took the purse, and seal, and groats, but he left the locket of
hair round his master’s neck, and when he returned to England never said
a word about the circumstance. After all, how should he know whose hair
it was? It might have been the knight’s grandmother’s hair for aught the
fool knew; so he kept his counsel when he brought back the sad news and
tokens to the disconsolate widow at Rotherwood.

The poor fellow would never have left the body at all, and indeed sat
by it all night, and until the gray of the morning; when, seeing two
suspicious-looking characters advancing towards him, he fled in dismay,
supposing that they were marauders who were out searching for booty
among the dead bodies; and having not the least courage, he fled from
these, and tumbled down the breach, and never stopped running as fast as
his legs would carry him, until he reached the tent of his late beloved

The news of the knight’s demise, it appeared, had been known at his
quarters long before; for his servants were gone, and had ridden off
on his horses; his chests were plundered: there was not so much as a
shirt-collar left in his drawers, and the very bed and blankets had been
carried away by these FAITHFUL attendants. Who had slain Ivanhoe? That
remains a mystery to the present day; but Roger de Backbite, whose nose
he had pulled for defamation, and who was behind him in the assault at
Chalus, was seen two years afterwards at the court of King John in
an embroidered velvet waistcoat which Rowena could have sworn she had
worked for Ivanhoe, and about which the widow would have made some
little noise, but that--but that she was no longer a widow.

That she truly deplored the death of her lord cannot be questioned,
for she ordered the deepest mourning which any milliner in York could
supply, and erected a monument to his memory as big as a minster. But
she was a lady of such fine principles, that she did not allow her grief
to overmaster her; and an opportunity speedily arising for uniting the
two best Saxon families in England, by an alliance between herself
and the gentleman who offered himself to her, Rowena sacrificed her
inclination to remain single, to her sense of duty; and contracted a
second matrimonial engagement.

That Athelstane was the man, I suppose no reader familiar with life, and
novels which are a rescript of life, and are all strictly natural and
edifying, can for a moment doubt. Cardinal Pandulfo tied the knot for
them: and lest there should be any doubt about Ivanhoe’s death (for his
body was never sent home after all, nor seen after Wamba ran away from
it), his Eminence procured a Papal decree annulling the former marriage,
so that Rowena became Mrs. Athelstane with a clear conscience. And who
shall be surprised, if she was happier with the stupid and boozy Thane
than with the gentle and melancholy Wilfrid? Did women never have a
predilection for fools, I should like to know; or fall in love with
donkeys, before the time of the amours of Bottom and Titania? Ah! Mary,
had you not preferred an ass to a man, would you have married Jack Bray,
when a Michael Angelo offered? Ah! Fanny, were you not a woman, would
you persist in adoring Tom Hiccups, who beats you, and comes home
tipsy from the Club? Yes, Rowena cared a hundred times more about tipsy
Athelstane than ever she had done for gentle Ivanhoe, and so great was
her infatuation about the former, that she would sit upon his knee in
the presence of all her maidens, and let him smoke his cigars in the
very drawing-room.

This is the epitaph she caused to be written by Father Drono (who piqued
himself upon his Latinity) on the stone commemorating the death of her
late lord:--

     Hic est Guilfridus, belli dum vixit avidus:
     Cum gladio et lancea, Normania et quoque Francia
     Verbera dura dabat: per Turcos multum equitabat:
     Guilbertum occidit: atque Hierosolyma vidit.
     Heu! nunc sub fossa sunt tanti militis ossa,
     Uxor Athelstani est conjux castissima Thani.

And this is the translation which the doggerel knave Wamba made of the
Latin lines:


     “Under the stone you behold,
     Buried, and coffined, and cold,
     Lieth Sir Wilfrid the Bold.

     “Always he marched in advance,
     Warring in Flanders and France,
     Doughty with sword and with lance.

     “Famous in Saracen fight,
     Rode in his youth the good knight,
     Scattering Paynims in flight.

     “Brian the Templar untrue,
     Fairly in tourney he slew,
     Saw Hierusalem too.

     “Now he is buried and gone,
     Lying beneath the gray stone:
     Where shall you find such a one?

     “Long time his widow deplored,
     Weeping the fate of her lord,
     Sadly cut off by the sword.

     “When she was eased of her pain,
     Came the good Lord Athelstane,
     When her ladyship married again.”

Athelstane burst into a loud laugh, when he heard it, at the last
line, but Rowena would have had the fool whipped, had not the Thane
interceded; and to him, she said, she could refuse nothing.



I trust nobody will suppose, from the events described in the last
chapter, that our friend Ivanhoe is really dead. Because we have given
him an epitaph or two and a monument, are these any reasons that he
should be really gone out of the world? No: as in the pantomime, when
we see Clown and Pantaloon lay out Harlequin and cry over him, we are
always sure that Master Harlequin will be up at the next minute alert
and shining in his glistening coat; and, after giving a box on the ears
to the pair of them, will be taking a dance with Columbine, or leaping
gayly through the clock-face, or into the three-pair-of-stairs’
window:--so Sir Wilfrid, the Harlequin of our Christmas piece, may be
run through a little, or may make believe to be dead, but will assuredly
rise up again when he is wanted, and show himself at the right moment.

The suspicious-looking characters from whom Wamba ran away were no
cut-throats and plunderers, as the poor knave imagined, but no other
than Ivanhoe’s friend, the hermit, and a reverend brother of his, who
visited the scene of the late battle in order to see if any Christians
still survived there, whom they might shrive and get ready for heaven,
or to whom they might possibly offer the benefit of their skill as
leeches. Both were prodigiously learned in the healing art; and had
about them those precious elixirs which so often occur in romances, and
with which patients are so miraculously restored. Abruptly dropping his
master’s head from his lap as he fled, poor Wamba caused the knight’s
pate to fall with rather a heavy thump to the ground, and if the knave
had but stayed a minute longer, he would have heard Sir Wilfrid utter a
deep groan. But though the fool heard him not, the holy hermits did; and
to recognize the gallant Wilfrid, to withdraw the enormous dagger
still sticking out of his back, to wash the wound with a portion of the
precious elixir, and to pour a little of it down his throat, was with
the excellent hermits the work of an instant: which remedies being
applied, one of the good men took the knight by the heels and the other
by the head, and bore him daintily from the castle to their hermitage in
a neighboring rock. As for the Count of Chalus, and the remainder of the
slain, the hermits were too much occupied with Ivanhoe’s case to mind
them, and did not, it appears, give them any elixir: so that, if they
are really dead, they must stay on the rampart stark and cold; or if
otherwise, when the scene closes upon them as it does now, they may
get up, shake themselves, go to the slips and drink a pot of porter, or
change their stage-clothes and go home to supper. My dear readers, you
may settle the matter among yourselves as you like. If you wish to kill
the characters really off, let them be dead, and have done with them:
but, entre nous, I don’t believe they are any more dead than you or I
are, and sometimes doubt whether there is a single syllable of truth in
this whole story.

Well, Ivanhoe was taken to the hermits’ cell, and there doctored by the
holy fathers for his hurts; which were of such a severe and dangerous
order, that he was under medical treatment for a very considerable time.
When he woke up from his delirium, and asked how long he had been ill,
fancy his astonishment when he heard that he had been in the fever for
six years! He thought the reverend fathers were joking at first, but
their profession forbade them from that sort of levity; and besides,
he could not possibly have got well any sooner, because the story would
have been sadly put out had he appeared earlier. And it proves how good
the fathers were to him, and how very nearly that scoundrel of a Roger
de Backbite’s dagger had finished him, that he did not get well under
this great length of time; during the whole of which the fathers tended
him without ever thinking of a fee. I know of a kind physician in this
town who does as much sometimes; but I won’t do him the ill service of
mentioning his name here.

Ivanhoe, being now quickly pronounced well, trimmed his beard, which by
this time hung down considerably below his knees, and calling for his
suit of chain-armor, which before had fitted his elegant person as tight
as wax, now put it on, and it bagged and hung so loosely about him, that
even the good friars laughed at his absurd appearance. It was impossible
that he should go about the country in such a garb as that: the very
boys would laugh at him: so the friars gave him one of their old gowns,
in which he disguised himself, and after taking an affectionate farewell
of his friends, set forth on his return to his native country. As he
went along, he learned that Richard was dead, that John reigned, that
Prince Arthur had been poisoned, and was of course made acquainted with
various other facts of public importance recorded in Pinnock’s Catechism
and the Historic Page.

But these subjects did not interest him near so much as his own private
affairs; and I can fancy that his legs trembled under him, and his
pilgrim’s staff shook with emotion, as at length, after many perils, he
came in sight of his paternal mansion of Rotherwood, and saw once more
the chimneys smoking, the shadows of the oaks over the grass in the
sunset, and the rooks winging over the trees. He heard the supper
gong sounding: he knew his way to the door well enough; he entered the
familiar hall with a benedicite, and without any more words took his


You might have thought for a moment that the gray friar trembled and his
shrunken cheek looked deadly pale; but he recovered himself presently:
nor could you see his pallor for the cowl which covered his face.

A little boy was playing on Athelstane’s knee; Rowena smiling and
patting the Saxon Thane fondly on his broad bullhead, filled him a huge
cup of spiced wine from a golden jug. He drained a quart of the liquor,
and, turning round, addressed the friar:--

“And so, gray frere, thou sawest good King Richard fall at Chalus by the
bolt of that felon bowman?”

“We did, an it please you. The brothers of our house attended the good
King in his last moments: in truth, he made a Christian ending!”

“And didst thou see the archer flayed alive? It must have been rare
sport,” roared Athelstane, laughing hugely at the joke. “How the fellow
must have howled!”

“My love!” said Rowena, interposing tenderly, and putting a pretty white
finger on his lip.

“I would have liked to see it too,” cried the boy.

“That’s my own little Cedric, and so thou shalt. And, friar, didst
see my poor kinsman Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe? They say he fought well at

“My sweet lord,” again interposed Rowena, “mention him not.”

“Why? Because thou and he were so tender in days of yore--when you could
not bear my plain face, being all in love with his pale one?”

“Those times are past now, dear Athelstane,” said his affectionate wife,
looking up to the ceiling.

“Marry, thou never couldst forgive him the Jewess, Rowena.”

“The odious hussy! don’t mention the name of the unbelieving creature,”
 exclaimed the lady.

“Well, well, poor Wil was a good lad--a thought melancholy and milksop
though. Why, a pint of sack fuddled his poor brains.”

“Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe was a good lance,” said the friar. “I have heard
there was none better in Christendom. He lay in our convent after his
wounds, and it was there we tended him till he died. He was buried in
our north cloister.”

“And there’s an end of him,” said Athelstane. “But come, this is dismal
talk. Where’s Wamba the Jester? Let us have a song. Stir up, Wamba, and
don’t lie like a dog in the fire! Sing us a song, thou crack-brained
jester, and leave off whimpering for bygones. Tush, man! There be many
good fellows left in this world.”

“There be buzzards in eagles’ nests,” Wamba said, who was lying
stretched before the fire, sharing the hearth with the Thane’s dogs.
“There be dead men alive, and live men dead. There be merry songs and
dismal songs. Marry, and the merriest are the saddest sometimes. I will
leave off motley and wear black, gossip Athelstane. I will turn howler
at funerals, and then, perhaps, I shall be merry. Motley is fit for
mutes, and black for fools. Give me some drink, gossip, for my voice is
as cracked as my brain.”

“Drink and sing, thou beast, and cease prating,” the Thane said.

And Wamba, touching his rebeck wildly, sat up in the chimney-side and
curled his lean shanks together and began:--

                 “LOVE AT TWO SCORE.

          “Ho! pretty page, with dimpled chin,
             That never has known the barber’s shear,
          All your aim is woman to win--
          This is the way that boys begin--
            Wait till you’ve come to forty year!

          “Curly gold locks cover foolish brains,
             Billing and cooing is all your cheer,
           Sighing and singing of midnight strains
           Under Bonnybells’ window-panes.
             Wait till you’ve come to forty year!

          “Forty times over let Michaelmas pass,
             Grizzling hair the brain doth clear;
           Then you know a boy is an ass,
           Then you know the worth of a lass,
             Once you have come to forty year.

          “Pledge me round, I bid ye declare,
             All good fellows whose beards are gray:
           Did not the fairest of the fair
           Common grow, and wearisome, ere
             Ever a month was passed away?

          “The reddest lips that ever have kissed,
             The brightest eyes that ever have shone,
           May pray and whisper and we not list,
           Or look away and never be missed,
             Ere yet ever a month was gone.

          “Gillian’s dead, Heaven rest her bier,
             How I loved her twenty years syne!
           Marian’s married, but I sit here,
           Alive and merry at forty year,
             Dipping my nose in the Gascon wine.”

“Who taught thee that merry lay, Wamba, thou son of Witless?” roared
Athelstane, clattering his cup on the table and shouting the chorus.

“It was a good and holy hermit, sir, the pious clerk of Copmanhurst,
that you wot of, who played many a prank with us in the days that we
knew King Richard. Ah, noble sir, that was a jovial time and a good

“They say the holy priest is sure of the next bishopric, my love,”
 said Rowena. “His Majesty hath taken him into much favor. My Lord of
Huntingdon looked very well at the last ball; but I never could see any
beauty in the Countess--a freckled, blowsy thing, whom they used to
call Maid Marian: though, for the matter of that, what between her
flirtations with Major Littlejohn and Captain Scarlett, really--”

“Jealous again--haw! haw!” laughed Athelstane.

“I am above jealousy, and scorn it,” Rowena answered, drawing herself up
very majestically.

“Well, well, Wamba’s was a good song,” Athelstane said.

“Nay, a wicked song,” said Rowena, turning up her eyes as usual. “What!
rail at woman’s love? Prefer a filthy wine cup to a true wife?
Woman’s love is eternal, my Athelstane. He who questions it would be
a blasphemer were he not a fool. The well-born and well-nurtured
gentlewoman loves once and once only.”

“I pray you, madam, pardon me, I--I am not well,” said the gray friar,
rising abruptly from his settle, and tottering down the steps of the
dais. Wamba sprung after him, his bells jingling as he rose, and casting
his arms around the apparently fainting man, he led him away into the
court. “There be dead men alive and live men dead,” whispered he. “There
be coffins to laugh at and marriages to cry over. Said I not sooth, holy
friar?” And when they had got out into the solitary court, which was
deserted by all the followers of the Thane, who were mingling in the
drunken revelry in the hall, Wamba, seeing that none were by, knelt
down, and kissing the friar’s garment, said, “I knew thee, I knew thee,
my lord and my liege!”

“Get up,” said Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, scarcely able to articulate: “only
fools are faithful.”

And he passed on, and into the little chapel where his father lay
buried. All night long the friar spent there: and Wamba the Jester lay
outside watching as mute as the saint over the porch.

When the morning came, Wumba was gone; and the knave being in the habit
of wandering hither and thither as he chose, little notice was taken of
his absence by a master and mistress who had not much sense of humor.
As for Sir Wilfrid, a gentleman of his delicacy of feelings could not be
expected to remain in a house where things so naturally disagreeable
to him were occurring, and he quitted Rotherwood incontinently, after
paying a dutiful visit to the tomb where his old father, Cedric, was
buried; and hastened on to York, at which city he made himself known to
the family attorney, a most respectable man, in whose hands his ready
money was deposited, and took up a sum sufficient to fit himself
out with credit, and a handsome retinue, as became a knight of
consideration. But he changed his name, wore a wig and spectacles, and
disguised himself entirely, so that it was impossible his friends or the
public should know him, and thus metamorphosed, went about whithersoever
his fancy led him. He was present at a public ball at York, which the
lord mayor gave, danced Sir Roger de Coverley in the very same set with
Rowena--(who was disgusted that Maid Marian took precedence of her)--he
saw little Athelstane overeat himself at the supper and pledge his big
father in a cup of sack; he met the Reverend Mr. Tuck at a missionary
meeting, where he seconded a resolution proposed by that eminent
divine;--in fine, he saw a score of his old acquaintances, none of whom
recognized in him the warrior of Palestine and Templestowe. Having a
large fortune and nothing to do, he went about this country performing
charities, slaying robbers, rescuing the distressed, and achieving noble
feats of arms. Dragons and giants existed in his day no more, or be
sure he would have had a fling at them: for the truth is, Sir Wilfrid
of Ivanhoe was somewhat sick of the life which the hermits of Chalus
had restored to him, and felt himself so friendless and solitary that he
would not have been sorry to come to an end of it. Ah, my dear friends
and intelligent British public, are there not others who are melancholy
under a mask of gayety, and who, in the midst of crowds, are lonely?
Liston was a most melancholy man; Grimaldi had feelings; and there are
others I wot of:--but psha!--let us have the next chapter.



The rascally manner in which the chicken-livered successor of Richard of
the Lion-heart conducted himself to all parties, to his relatives, his
nobles, and his people, is a matter notorious, and set forth clearly in
the Historic Page: hence, although nothing, except perhaps success, can,
in my opinion, excuse disaffection to the sovereign, or appearance in
armed rebellion against him, the loyal reader will make allowance for
two of the principal personages of this narrative, who will have to
appear in the present chapter in the odious character of rebels to their
lord and king. It must be remembered, in partial exculpation of the
fault of Athelstane and Rowena, (a fault for which they were bitterly
punished, as you shall presently hear,) that the monarch exasperated
his subjects in a variety of ways,--that before he murdered his royal
nephew, Prince Arthur, there was a great question whether he was the
rightful king of England at all,--that his behavior as an uncle, and
a family man, was likely to wound the feelings of any lady and
mother,--finally, that there were palliations for the conduct of Rowena
and Ivanhoe, which it now becomes our duty to relate.

When his Majesty destroyed Prince Arthur, the Lady Rowena, who was one
of the ladies of honor to the Queen, gave up her place at court at once,
and retired to her castle of Rotherwood. Expressions made use of by her,
and derogatory to the character of the sovereign, were carried to the
monarch’s ears, by some of those parasites, doubtless, by whom it is
the curse of kings to be attended; and John swore, by St. Peter’s teeth,
that he would be revenged upon the haughty Saxon lady,--a kind of oath
which, though he did not trouble himself about all other oaths, he was
never known to break. It was not for some years after he had registered
this vow, that he was enabled to keep it.

Had Ivanhoe been present at Ronen, when the King meditated his horrid
designs against his nephew, there is little doubt that Sir Wilfrid would
have prevented them, and rescued the boy: for Ivanhoe was, as we need
scarcely say, a hero of romance; and it is the custom and duty of all
gentlemen of that profession to be present on all occasions of historic
interest, to be engaged in all conspiracies, royal interviews, and
remarkable occurrences: and hence Sir Wilfrid would certainly have
rescued the young Prince, had he been anywhere in the neighborhood of
Rouen, where the foul tragedy occurred. But he was a couple of hundred
leagues off, at Chalus, when the circumstance happened; tied down in his
bed as crazy as a Bedlamite, and raving ceaselessly in the Hebrew tongue
(which he had caught up during a previous illness in which he was tended
by a maiden of that nation) about a certain Rebecca Ben Isaacs, of whom,
being a married man, he never would have thought, had he been in his
sound senses. During this delirium, what were politics to him, or he to
politics? King John or King Arthur was entirely indifferent to a man
who announced to his nurse-tenders, the good hermits of Chalus before
mentioned, that he was the Marquis of Jericho, and about to marry
Rebecca the Queen of Sheba. In a word, he only heard of what had
occurred when he reached England, and his senses were restored to him.
Whether was he happier, sound of brain and entirely miserable, (as any
man would be who found so admirable a wife as Rowena married again,)
or perfectly crazy, the husband of the beautiful Rebecca? I don’t know
which he liked best.

Howbeit the conduct of King John inspired Sir Wilfrid with so thorough
a detestation of that sovereign, that he never could be brought to take
service under him; to get himself presented at St. James’s, or in any
way to acknowledge, but by stern acquiescence, the authority of the
sanguinary successor of his beloved King Richard. It was Sir Wilfrid of
Ivanhoe, I need scarcely say, who got the Barons of England to league
together and extort from the king that famous instrument and palladium
of our liberties at present in the British Museum, Great Russell Street,
Bloomsbury--the Magna Charta. His name does not naturally appear in the
list of Barons, because he was only a knight, and a knight in
disguise too: nor does Athelstane’s signature figure on that document.
Athelstane, in the first place, could not write; nor did he care a
pennypiece about politics, so long as he could drink his wine at home
undisturbed, and have his hunting and shooting in quiet.

It was not until the King wanted to interfere with the sport of every
gentleman in England (as we know by reference to the Historic Page that
this odious monarch did), that Athelstane broke out into open rebellion,
along with several Yorkshire squires and noblemen. It is recorded of the
King, that he forbade every man to hunt his own deer; and, in order to
secure an obedience to his orders, this Herod of a monarch wanted to
secure the eldest sons of all the nobility and gentry, as hostages for
the good behavior of their parents.

Athelstane was anxious about his game--Rowena was anxious about her
son. The former swore that he would hunt his deer in spite of all Norman
tyrants--the latter asked, should she give up her boy to the ruffian who
had murdered his own nephew?* The speeches of both were brought to
the King at York; and, furious, he ordered an instant attack upon
Rotherwood, and that the lord and lady of that castle should be brought
before him dead or alive.

     *See Hume, Giraldus Cambrensis, The Monk of Croyland, and
     Pinnock’s Catechism.

Ah, where was Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, the unconquerable champion, to defend
the castle against the royal party? A few thrusts from his lance would
have spitted the leading warriors of the King’s host: a few cuts from
his sword would have put John’s forces to rout. But the lance and sword
of Ivanhoe were idle on this occasion. “No, be hanged to me!” said the
knight, bitterly, “THIS is a quarrel in which I can’t interfere. Common
politeness forbids. Let yonder ale-swilling Athelstane defend his--ha,
ha--WIFE; and my Lady Rowena guard her--ha, ha, ha--SON.” And he laughed
wildly and madly; and the sarcastic, way in which he choked and gurgled
out the words “wife” and “son” would have made you shudder to hear.

When he heard, however, that, on the fourth day of the siege, Athelstane
had been slain by a cannon-ball, (and this time for good, and not to
come to life again as he had done before,) and that the widow (if so
the innocent bigamist may be called) was conducting the defence of
Rotherwood herself with the greatest intrepidity, showing herself upon
the walls with her little son, (who bellowed like a bull, and did
not like the fighting at all,) pointing the guns and encouraging the
garrison in every way--better feelings returned to the bosom of the
Knight of Ivanhoe, and summoning his men, he armed himself quickly and
determined to go forth to the rescue.

He rode without stopping for two days and two nights in the direction of
Rotherwood, with such swiftness and disregard for refreshment, indeed,
that his men dropped one by one upon the road, and he arrived alone at
the lodge-gate of the park. The windows were smashed; the door stove
in; the lodge, a neat little Swiss cottage, with a garden where the
pinafores of Mrs. Gurth’s children might have been seen hanging on the
gooseberry-bushes in more peaceful times, was now a ghastly heap
of smoking ruins: cottage, bushes, pinafores, children lay mangled
together, destroyed by the licentious soldiery of an infuriate monarch!
Far be it from me to excuse the disobedience of Athelstane and Rowena to
their sovereign; but surely, surely this cruelty might have been spared.

Gurth, who was lodge-keeper, was lying dreadfully wounded and expiring
at the flaming and violated threshold of his lately picturesque home. A
catapult and a couple of mangonels had done his business. The faithful
fellow, recognizing his master, who had put up his visor and forgotten
his wig and spectacles in the agitation of the moment, exclaimed, “Sir
Wilfrid! my dear master--praised be St. Waltheof--there may be yet
time--my beloved mistr--master Athelst . . .” He sank back, and never
spoke again.

Ivanhoe spurred on his horse Bavieca madly up the chestnut avenue. The
castle was before him; the western tower was in flames; the besiegers
were pressing at the southern gate; Athelstane’s banner, the bull
rampant, was still on the northern bartizan. “An Ivanhoe, an Ivanhoe!”
 he bellowed out, with a shout that overcame all the din of battle:
“Nostre Dame a la rescousse!” And to hurl his lance through the midriff
of Reginald de Bracy, who was commanding the assault--who fell howling
with anguish--to wave his battle-axe over his own head, and cut off
those of thirteen men-at-arms, was the work of an instant. “An Ivanhoe,
an Ivanhoe!” he still shouted, and down went a man as sure as he said

“Ivanhoe! Ivanhoe!” a shrill voice cried from the top of the northern
bartizan. Ivanhoe knew it.

“Rowena my love, I come!” he roared on his part. “Villains! touch but a
hair of her head, and I . . .”

Here, with a sudden plunge and a squeal of agony, Bavieca sprang forward
wildly, and fell as wildly on her back, rolling over and over upon the
knight. All was dark before him; his brain reeled; it whizzed; something
came crashing down on his forehead. St. Waltheof and all the saints of
the Saxon calendar protect the knight! . . .

When he came to himself, Wamba and the lieutenant of his lances were
leaning over him with a bottle of the hermit’s elixir. “We arrived here
the day after the battle,” said the fool; “marry, I have a knack of

“Your worship rode so deucedly quick, there was no keeping up with your
worship,” said the lieutenant.

“The day--after--the bat--” groaned Ivanhoe. “Where is the Lady Rowena?”

“The castle has been taken and sacked,” the lieutenant said, and pointed
to what once WAS Rotherwood, but was now only a heap of smoking ruins.
Not a tower was left, not a roof, not a floor, not a single human being!
Everything was flame and ruin, smash and murther!

Of course Ivanhoe fell back fainting again among the ninety-seven
men-at-arms whom he had slain; and it was not until Wamba had applied
a second, and uncommonly strong dose of the elixir that he came to life
again. The good knight was, however, from long practice, so accustomed
to the severest wounds, that he bore them far more easily than common
folk, and thus was enabled to reach York upon a litter, which his men
constructed for him, with tolerable ease.

Rumor had as usual advanced before him; and he heard at the hotel where
he stopped, what had been the issue of the affair at Rotherwood. A
minute or two after his horse was stabbed, and Ivanhoe knocked down, the
western bartizan was taken by the storming-party which invested it, and
every soul slain, except Rowena and her boy; who were tied upon
horses and carried away, under a secure guard, to one of the King’s
castles--nobody knew whither: and Ivanhoe was recommended by the
hotel-keeper (whose house he had used in former times) to reassume his
wig and spectacles, and not call himself by his own name any more, lest
some of the King’s people should lay hands on him. However, as he had
killed everybody round about him, there was but little danger of his
discovery; and the Knight of the Spectacles, as he was called, went
about York quite unmolested, and at liberty to attend to his own

We wish to be brief in narrating this part of the gallant hero’s
existence; for his life was one of feeling rather than affection, and
the description of mere sentiment is considered by many well-informed
persons to be tedious. What WERE his sentiments now, it may be asked,
under the peculiar position in which he found himself? He had done his
duty by Rowena, certainly: no man could say otherwise. But as for being
in love with her any more, after what had occurred, that was a different
question. Well, come what would, he was determined still to continue
doing his duty by her;--but as she was whisked away the deuce knew
whither, how could he do anything? So he resigned himself to the fact
that she was thus whisked away.

He, of course, sent emissaries about the country to endeavor to find out
where Rowena was: but these came back without any sort of intelligence;
and it was remarked, that he still remained in a perfect state of
resignation. He remained in this condition for a year, or more; and
it was said that he was becoming more cheerful, and he certainly was
growing rather fat. The Knight of the Spectacles was voted an agreeable
man in a grave way; and gave some very elegant, though quiet, parties,
and was received in the best society of York.

It was just at assize-time, the lawyers and barristers had arrived, and
the town was unusually gay; when, one morning, the attorney, whom we
have mentioned as Sir Wilfrid’s man of business, and a most respectable
man, called upon his gallant client at his lodgings, and said he had a
communication of importance to make. Having to communicate with a
client of rank, who was condemned to be hanged for forgery, Sir Roger
de Backbite, the attorney said, he had been to visit that party in the
condemned cell; and on the way through the yard, and through the bars of
another cell, had seen and recognized an old acquaintance of Sir Wilfrid
of Ivanhoe--and the lawyer held him out, with a particular look, a note,
written on a piece of whity-brown paper.

What were Ivanhoe’s sensations when he recognized the handwriting of
Rowena!--he tremblingly dashed open the billet, and read as follows:--

“MY DEAREST IVANHOE,--For I am thine now as erst, and my first love was
ever--ever dear to me. Have I been near thee dying for a whole year,
and didst thou make no effort to rescue thy Rowena? Have ye given to
others--I mention not their name nor their odious creed--the heart that
ought to be mine? I send thee my forgiveness from my dying pallet of
straw.--I forgive thee the insults I have received, the cold and hunger
I have endured, the failing health of my boy, the bitterness of my
prison, thy infatuation about that Jewess, which made our married life
miserable, and which caused thee, I am sure, to go abroad to look after
her. I forgive thee all my wrongs, and fain would bid thee farewell. Mr.
Smith hath gained over my gaoler--he will tell thee how I may see thee.
Come and console my last hour by promising that thou wilt care for my
boy--HIS boy who fell like a hero (when thou wert absent) combating by
the side of ROWENA.”

The reader may consult his own feelings, and say whether Ivanhoe was
likely to be pleased or not by this letter: however, he inquired of Mr.
Smith, the solicitor, what was the plan which that gentleman had devised
for the introduction to Lady Rowena, and was informed that he was to get
a barrister’s gown and wig, when the gaoler would introduce him into the
interior of the prison. These decorations, knowing several gentlemen of
the Northern Circuit, Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe easily procured, and with
feelings of no small trepidation, reached the cell, where, for the space
of a year, poor Rowena had been immured.

If any person have a doubt of the correctness, of the historical
exactness of this narrative, I refer him to the “Biographie Universelle”
 (article Jean sans Terre), which says, “La femme d’un baron auquel on
vint demander son fils, repondit, ‘Le roi pense-t-il que je confierai
mon fils a un homme qui a egorge son neveu de sa propre main?’ Jean
fit enlever la mere et l’enfant, et la laissa MOURIR DE FAIM dans les

I picture to myself, with a painful sympathy, Rowena undergoing this
disagreeable sentence. All her virtues, her resolution, her chaste
energy and perseverance, shine with redoubled lustre, and, for the first
time since the commencement of the history, I feel that I am partially
reconciled to her. The weary year passes--she grows weaker and more
languid, thinner and thinner! At length Ivanhoe, in the disguise of a
barrister of the Northern Circuit, is introduced to her cell, and finds
his lady in the last stage of exhaustion, on the straw of her dungeon,
with her little boy in her arms. She has preserved his life at the
expense of her own, giving him the whole of the pittance which her
gaolers allowed her, and perishing herself of inanition.

There is a scene! I feel as if I had made it up, as it were, with this
lady, and that we part in peace, in consequence of my providing her with
so sublime a death-bed. Fancy Ivanhoe’s entrance--their recognition--the
faint blush upon her worn features--the pathetic way in which she gives
little Cedric in charge to him, and his promises of protection.

“Wilfrid, my early loved,” slowly gasped she, removing her gray hair
from her furrowed temples, and gazing on her boy fondly, as he nestled
on Ivanhoe’s knee--“promise me, by St. Waltheof of Templestowe--promise
me one boon!”

“I do,” said Ivanhoe, clasping the boy, and thinking it was to that
little innocent the promise was intended to apply.

“By St. Waltheof?”

“By St. Waltheof!”

“Promise me, then,” gasped Rowena, staring wildly at him, “that you
never will marry a Jewess?”

“By St. Waltheof,” cried Ivanhoe, “this is too much, Rowena!”--But he
felt his hand grasped for a moment, the nerves then relaxed, the pale
lips ceased to quiver--she was no more!



Having placed young Cedric at school at the hall of Dotheboyes, in
Yorkshire, and arranged his family affairs, Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe
quitted a country which had no longer any charms for him, and in which
his stay was rendered the less agreeable by the notion that King John
would hang him, if ever he could lay hands on the faithful follower of
King Richard and Prince Arthur.

But there was always in those days a home and occupation for a brave and
pious knight. A saddle on a gallant war-horse, a pitched field against
the Moors, a lance wherewith to spit a turbaned infidel, or a road
to Paradise carved out by his scimitar,--these were the height of the
ambition of good and religious warriors; and so renowned a champion as
Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe was sure to be well received wherever blows were
stricken for the cause of Christendom. Even among the dark Templars,
he who had twice overcome the most famous lance of their Order was a
respected though not a welcome guest: but among the opposition company
of the Knights of St. John, he was admired and courted beyond measure;
and always affectioning that Order, which offered him, indeed, its first
rank and commanderies, he did much good service; fighting in their ranks
for the glory of heaven and St. Waltheof, and slaying many thousands of
the heathen in Prussia, Poland, and those savage Northern countries. The
only fault that the great and gallant, though severe and ascetic Folko
of Heydenbraten, the chief of the Order of St. John, found with the
melancholy warrior, whose lance did such good service to the cause, was,
that he did not persecute the Jews as so religious a knight should. He
let off sundry captives of that persuasion whom he had taken with his
sword and his spear, saved others from torture, and actually ransomed
the two last grinders of a venerable rabbi (that Roger de Cartright,
an English knight of the Order, was about to extort from the elderly
Israelite,) with a hundred crowns and a gimmal ring, which were all the
property he possessed. Whenever he so ransomed or benefited one of this
religion, he would moreover give them a little token or a message (were
the good knight out of money), saying, “Take this token, and remember
this deed was done by Wilfrid the Disinherited, for the services whilome
rendered to him by Rebecca, the daughter of Isaac of York!” So among
themselves, and in their meetings and synagogues, and in their restless
travels from land to land, when they of Jewry cursed and reviled all
Christians, as such abominable heathens will, they nevertheless excepted
the name of the Desdichado, or the doubly-disinherited as he now was,
the Desdichado-Doblado.

The account of all the battles, storms, and scaladoes in which Sir
Wilfrid took part, would only weary the reader; for the chopping off
one heathen’s head with an axe must be very like the decapitation of any
other unbeliever. Suffice it to say, that wherever this kind of work was
to be done, and Sir Wilfrid was in the way, he was the man to perform
it. It would astonish you were you to see the account that Wamba kept of
his master’s achievements, and of the Bulgarians, Bohemians, Croatians,
slain or maimed by his hand. And as, in those days, a reputation for
valor had an immense effect upon the soft hearts of women, and even
the ugliest man, were he a stout warrior, was looked upon with favor by
Beauty: so Ivanhoe, who was by no means ill-favored, though now becoming
rather elderly, made conquests over female breasts as well as over
Saracens, and had more than one direct offer of marriage made to him
by princesses, countesses, and noble ladies possessing both charms and
money, which they were anxious to place at the disposal of a champion so
renowned. It is related that the Duchess Regent of Kartoffelberg offered
him her hand, and the ducal crown of Kartoffelberg, which he had rescued
from the unbelieving Prussians; but Ivanhoe evaded the Duchess’s offer,
by riding away from her capital secretly at midnight and hiding himself
in a convent of Knights Hospitallers on the borders of Poland. And it
is a fact that the Princess Rosalia Seraphina of Pumpernickel, the most
lovely woman of her time, became so frantically attached to him, that
she followed him on a campaign, and was discovered with his baggage
disguised as a horse-boy. But no princess, no beauty, no female
blandishments had any charms for Ivanhoe: no hermit practised a more
austere celibacy. The severity of his morals contrasted so remarkably
with the lax and dissolute manner of the young lords and nobles in the
courts which he frequented, that these young springalds would sometimes
sneer and call him Monk and Milksop; but his courage in the day of
battle was so terrible and admirable, that I promise you the youthful
libertines did not sneer THEN; and the most reckless of them often
turned pale when they couched their lances to follow Ivanhoe. Holy
Waltheof! it was an awful sight to see him with his pale calm face, his
shield upon his breast, his heavy lance before him, charging a squadron
of heathen Bohemians, or a regiment of Cossacks! Wherever he saw the
enemy, Ivanhoe assaulted him: and when people remonstrated with him, and
said if he attacked such and such a post, breach, castle, or army,
he would be slain, “And suppose I be?” he answered, giving them
to understand that he would as lief the Battle of Life were over

While he was thus making war against the Northern infidels news was
carried all over Christendom of a catastrophe which had befallen the
good cause in the South of Europe, where the Spanish Christians had met
with such a defeat and massacre at the hands of the Moors as had never
been known in the proudest day of Saladin.

Thursday, the 9th of Shaban, in the 605th year of the Hejira, is known
all over the West as the amun-al-ark, the year of the battle of Alarcos,
gained over the Christians by the Moslems of Andaluz, on which fatal day
Christendom suffered a defeat so signal, that it was feared the Spanish
peninsula would be entirely wrested away from the dominion of the
Cross. On that day the Franks lost 150,000 men and 30,000 prisoners.
A man-slave sold among the unbelievers for a dirhem; a donkey for
the same; a sword, half a dirhem; a horse, five dirhems. Hundreds of
thousands of these various sorts of booty were in the possession of the
triumphant followers of Yakoobal-Mansoor. Curses on his head! But he
was a brave warrior, and the Christians before him seemed to forget
that they were the descendants of the brave Cid, the Kanbitoor, as the
Moorish hounds (in their jargon) denominated the famous Campeador.

A general move for the rescue of the faithful in Spain--a crusade
against the infidels triumphing there, was preached throughout Europe
by all the most eloquent clergy; and thousands and thousands of valorous
knights and nobles, accompanied by well-meaning varlets and vassals of
the lower sort, trooped from all sides to the rescue. The Straits of
Gibel-al-Tariff, at which spot the Moor, passing from Barbary, first
planted his accursed foot on the Christian soil, were crowded with the
galleys of the Templars and the Knights of St. John, who flung succors
into the menaced kingdoms of the peninsula; the inland sea swarmed
with their ships hasting from their forts and islands, from Rhodes and
Byzantium, from Jaffa and Ascalon. The Pyrenean peaks beheld the pennons
and glittered with the armor of the knights marching out of France into
Spain; and, finally, in a ship that set sail direct from Bohemia, where
Sir Wilfrid happened to be quartered at the time when the news of the
defeat of Alarcos came and alarmed all good Christians, Ivanhoe landed
at Barcelona, and proceeded to slaughter the Moors forthwith.

He brought letters of introduction from his friend Folko of
Heydenbraten, the Grand Master of the Knights of Saint John, to the
venerable Baldomero de Garbanzos, Grand Master of the renowned order of
Saint Jago. The chief of Saint Jago’s knights paid the greatest respect
to a warrior whose fame was already so widely known in Christendom; and
Ivanhoe had the pleasure of being appointed to all the posts of danger
and forlorn hopes that could be devised in his honor. He would be called
up twice or thrice in a night to fight the Moors: he led ambushes,
scaled breaches, was blown up by mines; was wounded many hundred times
(recovering, thanks to the elixir, of which Wamba always carried a
supply); he was the terror of the Saracens, and the admiration and
wonder of the Christians.

To describe his deeds, would, I say, be tedious; one day’s battle was
like that of another. I am not writing in ten volumes like Monsieur
Alexandre Dumas, or even in three like other great authors. We have no
room for the recounting of Sir Wilfrid’s deeds of valor. Whenever he
took a Moorish town, it was remarked, that he went anxiously into the
Jewish quarter, and inquired amongst the Hebrews, who were in great
numbers in Spain, for Rebecca, the daughter of Isaac. Many Jews,
according to his wont, he ransomed, and created so much scandal by this
proceeding, and by the manifest favor which he showed to the people of
that nation, that the Master of Saint Jago remonstrated with him, and
it is probable he would have been cast into the Inquisition and
roasted, but that his prodigious valor and success against the Moors
counterbalanced his heretical partiality for the children of Jacob.

It chanced that the good knight was present at the siege of Xixona
in Andalusia, entering the breach first, according to his wont, and
slaying, with his own hand, the Moorish lieutenant of the town, and
several hundred more of its unbelieving defenders. He had very nearly
done for the Alfaqui, or governor--a veteran warrior with a crooked
scimitar and a beard as white as snow--but a couple of hundred of the
Alfaqui’s bodyguard flung themselves between Ivanhoe and their chief,
and the old fellow escaped with his life, leaving a handful of his beard
in the grasp of the English knight. The strictly military business being
done, and such of the garrison as did not escape put, as by right, to
the sword, the good knight, Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe, took no further part
in the proceedings of the conquerors of that ill-fated place. A scene
of horrible massacre and frightful reprisals ensued, and the Christian
warriors, hot with victory and flushed with slaughter, were, it is to be
feared, as savage in their hour of triumph as ever their heathen enemies
had been.

Among the most violent and least scrupulous was the ferocious Knight of
Saint Jago, Don Beltran de Cuchilla y Trabuco y Espada y Espelon.
Raging through the vanquished city like a demon, he slaughtered
indiscriminately all those infidels of both sexes whose wealth did not
tempt him to a ransom, or whose beauty did not reserve them for more
frightful calamities than death. The slaughter over, Don Beltran took
up his quarters in the Albaycen, where the Alfaqui had lived who had so
narrowly escaped the sword of Ivanhoe; but the wealth, the treasure,
the slaves, and the family of the fugitive chieftain, were left in
possession of the conqueror of Xixona. Among the treasures, Don Beltran
recognized with a savage joy the coat-armors and ornaments of many brave
and unfortunate companions-in-arms who had fallen in the fatal battle
of Alarcos. The sight of those bloody relics added fury to his cruel
disposition, and served to steel a heart already but little disposed to
sentiments of mercy.

Three days after the sack and plunder of the place, Don Beltran was
seated in the hall-court lately occupied by the proud Alfaqui, lying
in his divan, dressed in his rich robes, the fountains playing in the
centre, the slaves of the Moor ministering to his scarred and rugged
Christian conqueror. Some fanned him with peacocks’ pinions, some danced
before him, some sang Moor’s melodies to the plaintive notes of a guzla,
one--it was the only daughter of the Moor’s old age, the young Zutulbe,
a rosebud of beauty--sat weeping in a corner of the gilded hall: weeping
for her slain brethren, the pride of Moslem chivalry, whose heads were
blackening in the blazing sunshine on the portals without, and for her
father, whose home had been thus made desolate.

He and his guest, the English knight Sir Wilfrid, were playing at chess,
a favorite amusement with the chivalry of the period, when a messenger
was announced from Valencia, to treat, if possible, for the ransom of
the remaining part of the Alfaqui’s family. A grim smile lighted up Don
Beltran’s features as he bade the black slave admit the messenger. He
entered. By his costume it was at once seen that the bearer of the
flag of truce was a Jew--the people were employed continually then as
ambassadors between the two races at war in Spain.

“I come,” said the old Jew (in a voice which made Sir Wilfrid start),
“from my lord the Alfaqui to my noble senor, the invincible Don Beltran
de Cuchilla, to treat for the ransom of the Moor’s only daughter, the
child of his old age and the pearl of his affection.”

“A pearl is a valuable jewel, Hebrew. What does the Moorish dog bid for
her?” asked Don Beltran, still smiling grimly.

“The Alfaqui offers 100,000 dinars, twenty-four horses with their
caparisons, twenty-four suits of plate-armor, and diamonds and rubies to
the amount of 1,000,000 dinars.”

“Ho, slaves!” roared Don Beltran, “show the Jew my treasury of gold. How
many hundred thousand pieces are there?” And ten enormous chests were
produced in which the accountant counted 1,000 bags of 1,000 dirhems
each, and displayed several caskets of jewels containing such a treasure
of rubies, smaragds, diamonds, and jacinths, as made the eyes of the
aged ambassador twinkle with avarice.

“How many horses are there in my stable?” continued Don Beltran;
and Muley, the master of the horse, numbered three hundred fully
caparisoned; and there was, likewise, armor of the richest sort for as
many cavaliers, who followed the banner of this doughty captain.

“I want neither money nor armor,” said the ferocious knight; “tell this
to the Alfaqui, Jew. And I will keep the child, his daughter, to serve
the messes for my dogs, and clean the platters for my scullions.”

“Deprive not the old man of his child,” here interposed the Knight
of Ivanhoe; “bethink thee, brave Don Beltran, she is but an infant in

“She is my captive, Sir Knight,” replied the surly Don Beltran; “I will
do with my own as becomes me.”

“Take 200,000 dirhems,” cried the Jew; “more!--anything! The Alfaqui
will give his life for his child!”

“Come hither, Zutulbe!--come hither, thou Moorish pearl!” yelled
the ferocious warrior; “come closer, my pretty black-eyed houri of
heathenesse! Hast heard the name of Beltran de Espada y Trabuco?”

“There were three brothers of that name at Alarcos, and my brothers slew
the Christian dogs!” said the proud young girl, looking boldly at Don
Beltran, who foamed with rage.

“The Moors butchered my mother and her little ones, at midnight, in our
castle of Murcia,” Beltran said.

“Thy father fled like a craven, as thou didst, Don Beltran!” cried the
high-spirited girl.

“By Saint Jago, this is too much!” screamed the infuriated nobleman; and
the next moment there was a shriek, and the maiden fell to the ground
with Don Beltran’s dagger in her side.

“Death is better than dishonor!” cried the child, rolling on the
blood-stained marble pavement. “I--I spit upon thee, dog of a
Christian!” and with this, and with a savage laugh, she fell back and

“Bear back this news, Jew, to the Alfaqui,” howled the Don, spurning the
beauteous corpse with his foot. “I would not have ransomed her for all
the gold in Barbary!” And shuddering, the old Jew left the apartment,
which Ivanhoe quitted likewise.

When they were in the outer court, the knight said to the Jew, “Isaac of
York, dost thou not know me?” and threw back his hood, and looked at the
old man.

The old Jew stared wildly, rushed forward as if to seize his hand, then
started back, trembling convulsively, and clutching his withered
hands over his face, said, with a burst of grief, “Sir Wilfrid of
Ivanhoe!--no, no!--I do not know thee!”

“Holy mother! what has chanced?” said Ivanhoe, in his turn becoming
ghastly pale; “where is thy daughter--where is Rebecca?”

“Away from me!” said the old Jew, tottering. “Away Rebecca is--dead!”


When the Disinherited Knight heard that fatal announcement, he fell to
the ground senseless, and was for some days as one perfectly distraught
with grief. He took no nourishment and uttered no word. For weeks he
did not relapse out of his moody silence, and when he came partially to
himself again, it was to bid his people to horse, in a hollow voice, and
to make a foray against the Moors. Day after day he issued out against
these infidels, and did nought but slay and slay. He took no plunder
as other knights did, but left that to his followers; he uttered no
war-cry, as was the manner of chivalry, and he gave no quarter, insomuch
that the “silent knight” became the dread of all the Paynims of Granada
and Andalusia, and more fell by his lance than by that of any the most
clamorous captains of the troops in arms against them. Thus the tide of
battle turned, and the Arab historian, El Makary, recounts how, at
the great battle of Al Akab, called by the Spaniards Las Navas, the
Christians retrieved their defeat at Alarcos, and absolutely killed
half a milllion of Mahometans. Fifty thousand of these, of course, Don
Wilfrid took to his own lance; and it was remarked that the melancholy
warrior seemed somewhat more easy in spirits after that famous feat of



In a short time the terrible Sir Wilfrid of Ivanhoe had killed off
so many of the Moors, that though those unbelieving miscreants poured
continual reinforcements into Spain from Barbary, they could make no
head against the Christian forces, and in fact came into battle quite
discouraged at the notion of meeting the dreadful silent knight. It was
commonly believed amongst them, that the famous Malek Ric, Richard
of England, the conqueror of Saladin, had come to life again, and was
battling in the Spanish hosts--that this, his second life, was a
charmed one, and his body inaccessible to blow of scimitar or thrust of
spear--that after battle he ate the hearts and drank the blood of
many young Moors for his supper: a thousand wild legends were told of
Ivanhoe, indeed, so that the Morisco warriors came half vanquished into
the field, and fell an easy prey to the Spaniards, who cut away among
them without mercy. And although none of the Spanish historians whom
I have consulted make mention of Sir Wilfrid as the real author of the
numerous triumphs which now graced the arms of the good cause, this is
not in the least to be wondered at, in a nation that has always been
notorious for bragging, and for the non-payment of their debts of
gratitude as of their other obligations, and that writes histories
of the Peninsular war with the Emperor Napoleon, without making the
slightest mention of his Grace the Duke of Wellington, or of the part
taken by BRITISH VALOR in that transaction. Well, it must be confessed,
on the other hand, that we brag enough of our fathers’ feats in those
campaigns: but this is not the subject at present under consideration.

To be brief, Ivanhoe made such short work with the unbelievers, that
the monarch of Aragon, King Don Jayme, saw himself speedily enabled to
besiege the city of Valencia, the last stronghold which the Moors had in
his dominions, and garrisoned by many thousands of those infidels
under the command of their King Aboo Abdallah Mahommed, son of
Yakoobal-Mansoor. The Arabian historian El Makary gives a full account
of the military precautions taken by Aboo Abdallah to defend his city;
but as I do not wish to make a parade of my learning, or to write a
costume novel, I shall pretermit any description of the city under its
Moorish governors.

Besides the Turks who inhabited it, there dwelt within its walls great
store of those of the Hebrew nation, who were always protected by the
Moors during their unbelieving reign in Spain; and who were, as we very
well know, the chief physicians, the chief bankers, the chief statesmen,
the chief artists and musicians, the chief everything, under the Moorish
kings. Thus it is not surprising that the Hebrews, having their money,
their liberty, their teeth, their lives, secure under the Mahometan
domination, should infinitely prefer it to the Christian sway; beneath
which they were liable to be deprived of every one of these benefits.

Among these Hebrews of Valencia, lived a very ancient Israelite--no
other than Isaac of York before mentioned, who came into Spain with
his daughter, soon after Ivanhoe’s marriage, in the third volume of the
first part of this history. Isaac was respected by his people for
the money which he possessed, and his daughter for her admirable good
qualities, her beauty, her charities, and her remarkable medical skill.

The young Emir Aboo Abdallah was so struck by her charms, that though
she was considerably older than his Highness, he offered to marry her,
and install her as Number 1 of his wives; and Isaac of York would not
have objected to the union, (for such mixed marriages were not uncommon
between the Hebrews and Moors in those days,) but Rebecca firmly yet
respectfully declined the proposals of the prince, saying that it was
impossible she should unite herself with a man of a creed different to
her own.

Although Isaac was, probably, not over-well pleased at losing this
chance of being father-in-law to a royal highness, yet as he passed
among his people for a very strict character, and there were in his
family several rabbis of great reputation and severity of conduct, the
old gentleman was silenced by this objection of Rebecca’s, and the young
lady herself applauded by her relatives for her resolute behavior. She
took their congratulations in a very frigid manner, and said that it was
her wish not to marry at all, but to devote herself to the practice of
medicine altogether, and to helping the sick and needy of her people.
Indeed, although she did not go to any public meetings, she was as
benevolent a creature as the world ever saw: the poor blessed her
wherever they knew her, and many benefited by her who guessed not whence
her gentle bounty came.

But there are men in Jewry who admire beauty, and, as I have even heard,
appreciate money too, and Rebecca had such a quantity of both, that all
the most desirable bachelors of the people were ready to bid for her.
Ambassadors came from all quarters to propose for her. Her own uncle,
the venerable Ben Solomons, with a beard as long as a cashmere goat’s,
and a reputation for learning and piety which still lives in his nation,
quarrelled with his son Moses, the red-haired diamond-merchant of
Trebizond, and his son Simeon, the bald bill-broker of Bagdad, each
putting in a claim for their cousin. Ben Minories came from London
and knelt at her feet; Ben Jochanan arrived from Paris, and thought to
dazzle her with the latest waistcoats from the Palais Royal; and Ben
Jonah brought her a present of Dutch herrings, and besought her to come
back and be Mrs. Ben Jonah at the Hague.

Rebecca temporized as best she might. She thought her uncle was too old.
She besought dear Moses and dear Simeon not to quarrel with each other,
and offend their father by pressing their suit. Ben Minories from
London, she said, was too young, and Jochanan from Paris, she pointed
out to Isaac of York, must be a spendthrift, or he would not wear those
absurd waistcoats. As for Ben Jonah, she said, she could not bear the
notion of tobacco and Dutch herrings: she wished to stay with her papa,
her dear papa. In fine, she invented a thousand excuses for delay, and
it was plain that marriage was odious to her. The only man whom she
received with anything like favor, was young Bevis Marks of London, with
whom she was very familiar. But Bevis had come to her with a certain
token that had been given to him by an English knight, who saved him
from a fagot to which the ferocious Hospitaller Folko of Heydenbraten
was about to condemn him. It was but a ring, with an emerald in it, that
Bevis knew to be sham, and not worth a groat. Rebecca knew about the
value of jewels too; but ah! she valued this one more than all the
diamonds in Prester John’s turban. She kissed it; she cried over it;
she wore it in her bosom always and when she knelt down at night and
morning, she held it between her folded hands on her neck. . . . Young
Bevis Marks went away finally no better off than the others; the rascal
sold to the King of France a handsome ruby, the very size of the bit of
glass in Rebecca’s ring; but he always said he would rather have had her
than ten thousand pounds: and very likely he would, for it was known she
would at once have a plum to her fortune.

These delays, however, could not continue for ever; and at a great
family meeting held at Passover-time, Rebecca was solemnly ordered to
choose a husband out of the gentlemen there present; her aunts pointing
out the great kindness which had been shown to her by her father,
in permitting her to choose for herself. One aunt was of the Solomon
faction, another aunt took Simeon’s side, a third most venerable old
lady--the head of the family, and a hundred and forty-four years of
age--was ready to pronounce a curse upon her, and cast her out, unless
she married before the month was over. All the jewelled heads of all the
old ladies in council, all the beards of all the family, wagged against
her: it must have been an awful sight to witness.

At last, then, Rebecca was forced to speak. “Kinsmen!” she said, turning
pale, “when the Prince Abou Abdil asked me in marriage, I told you I
would not wed but with one of my own faith.”

“She has turned Turk,” screamed out the ladies. “She wants to be a
princess, and has turned Turk,” roared the rabbis.

“Well, well,” said Isaac, in rather an appeased tone, “let us hear what
the poor girl has got to say. Do you want to marry his royal highness,
Rebecca? Say the word, yes or no.”

Another groan burst from the rabbis--they cried, shrieked, chattered,
gesticulated, furious to lose such a prize; as were the women, that she
should reign over them a second Esther.

“Silence,” cried out Isaac; “let the girl speak. Speak boldly, Rebecca
dear, there’s a good girl.”

Rebecca was as pale as a stone. She folded her arms on her breast, and
felt the ring there. She looked round all the assembly, and then at
Isaac. “Father,” she said, in a thrilling low steady voice, “I am not of
your religion--I am not of the Prince Boabdil’s religion--I--I am of HIS

“His! whose, in the name of Moses, girl?” cried Isaac.

Rebecca clasped her hands on her beating chest and looked round with
dauntless eyes. “Of his,” she said, “who saved my life and your honor:
of my dear, dear champion’s. I never can be his, but I will be no
other’s. Give my money to my kinsmen; it is that they long for. Take the
dross, Simeon and Solomon, Jonah and Jochanan, and divide it among you,
and leave me. I will never be yours, I tell you, never. Do you think,
after knowing him and hearing him speak,--after watching him wounded on
his pillow, and glorious in battle” (her eyes melted and kindled again
as she spoke these words), “I can mate with such as you? Go. Leave me
to myself. I am none of yours. I love him--I love him. Fate divides
us--long, long miles separate us; and I know we may never meet again.
But I love and bless him always. Yes, always. My prayers are his; my
faith is his. Yes, my faith is your faith, Wilfrid--Wilfrid! I have no
kindred more,--I am a Christian!”

At this last word there was such a row in the assembly, as my feeble pen
would in vain endeavor to depict. Old Isaac staggered back in a fit,
and nobody took the least notice of him. Groans, curses, yells of men,
shrieks of women, filled the room with such a furious jabbering, as
might have appalled any heart less stout than Rebecca’s; but that brave
woman was prepared for all; expecting, and perhaps hoping, that death
would be her instant lot. There was but one creature who pitied her, and
that was her cousin and father’s clerk, little Ben Davids, who was but
thirteen, and had only just begun to carry a bag, and whose crying and
boo-hooing, as she finished speaking, was drowned in the screams and
maledictions of the elder Israelites. Ben Davids was madly in love with
his cousin (as boys often are with ladies of twice their age), and he
had presence of mind suddenly to knock over the large brazen lamp on the
table, which illuminated the angry conclave; then, whispering to Rebecca
to go up to her own room and lock herself in, or they would kill her
else, he took her hand and led her out.

From that day she disappeared from among her people. The poor and the
wretched missed her, and asked for her in vain. Had any violence been
done to her, the poorer Jews would have risen and put all Isaac’s family
to death; and besides, her old flame, Prince Boabdil, would have also
been exceedingly wrathful. She was not killed then, but, so to speak,
buried alive, and locked up in Isaac’s back-kitchen: an apartment into
which scarcely any light entered, and where she was fed upon scanty
portions of the most mouldy bread and water. Little Ben Davids was the
only person who visited her, and her sole consolation was to talk to
him about Ivanhoe, and how good and how gentle he was; how brave and how
true; and how he slew the tremendous knight of the Templars, and how
he married a lady whom Rebecca scarcely thought worthy of him, but with
whom she prayed he might be happy; and of what color his eyes were, and
what were the arms on his shield--viz, a tree with the word “Desdichado”
 written underneath, &c. &c. &c.: all which talk would not have
interested little Davids, had it come from anybody else’s mouth, but to
which he never tired of listening as it fell from her sweet lips.

So, in fact, when old Isaac of York came to negotiate with Don Beltran
de Cuchilla for the ransom of the Alfaqui’s daughter of Xixona, our
dearest Rebecca was no more dead than you and I; and it was in his rage
and fury against Ivanhoe that Isaac told that cavalier the falsehood
which caused the knight so much pain and such a prodigious deal of
bloodshed to the Moors: and who knows, trivial as it may seem, whether
it was not that very circumstance which caused the destruction in Spain
of the Moorish power?

Although Isaac, we may be sure, never told his daughter that Ivanhoe
had cast up again, yet Master Ben Davids did, who heard it from his
employer; and he saved Rebecca’s life by communicating the intelligence,
for the poor thing would have infallibly perished but for this good
news. She had now been in prison four years three months and twenty-four
days, during which time she had partaken of nothing but bread and water
(except such occasional tit-bits as Davids could bring her--and these
were few indeed; for old Isaac was always a curmudgeon, and seldom had
more than a pair of eggs for his own and Davids’ dinner); and she was
languishing away, when the news came suddenly to revive her. Then,
though in the darkness you could not see her cheeks, they began to
bloom again: then her heart began to beat and her blood to flow, and
she kissed the ring on her neck a thousand times a day at least; and
her constant question was, “Ben Davids! Ben Davids! when is he coming to
besiege Valencia?” She knew he would come: and, indeed, the Christians
were encamped before the town ere a month was over.


And now, my dear boys and girls, I think I perceive behind that
dark scene of the back-kitchen (which is just a simple flat, painted
stone-color, that shifts in a minute,) bright streaks of light flashing
out, as though they were preparing a most brilliant, gorgeous, and
altogether dazzling illumination, with effects never before attempted on
any stage. Yes, the fairy in the pretty pink tights and spangled
muslin is getting into the brilliant revolving chariot of the realms of
bliss.--Yes, most of the fiddlers and trumpeters have gone round from
the orchestra to join in the grand triumphal procession, where the whole
strength of the company is already assembled, arrayed in costumes of
Moorish and Christian chivalry, to celebrate the “Terrible Escalade,”
 the “Rescue of Virtuous Innocence”--the “Grand Entry of the Christians
into Valencia”--“Appearance of the Fairy Day-Star,” and “Unexampled
displays of pyrotechnic festivity.” Do you not, I say, perceive that we
are come to the end of our history; and, after a quantity of rapid and
terrific fighting, brilliant change of scenery, and songs, appropriate
or otherwise, are bringing our hero and heroine together? Who wants a
long scene at the last? Mammas are putting the girls’ cloaks and boas
on; papas have gone out to look for the carriage, and left the
box-door swinging open, and letting in the cold air: if there WERE any
stage-conversation, you could not hear it, for the scuffling of the
people who are leaving the pit. See, the orange-women are preparing to
retire. To-morrow their play-bills will be as so much waste-paper--so
will some of our masterpieces, woe is me: but lo! here we come to Scene
the last, and Valencia is besieged and captured by the Christians.

Who is the first on the wall, and who hurls down the green standard of
the Prophet? Who chops off the head of the Emir Aboo What-d’ye-call’im,
just as the latter has cut over the cruel Don Beltran de Cuchillay &c.?
Who, attracted to the Jewish quarter by the shrieks of the inhabitants
who are being slain by the Moorish soldiery, and by a little boy by the
name of Ben Davids, who recognizes the knight by his shield, finds Isaac
of York egorge on a threshold, and clasping a large back-kitchen key?
Who but Ivanhoe--who but Wilfrid? “An Ivanhoe to the rescue,” he bellows
out; he has heard that news from little Ben Davids which makes him sing.
And who is it that comes out of the house--trembling--panting--with
her arms out--in a white dress--with her hair down--who is it but dear
Rebecca? Look, they rush together, and Master Wamba is waving an immense
banner over them, and knocks down a circumambient Jew with a ham, which
he happens to have in his pocket. . . . As for Rebecca, now her head
is laid upon Ivanhoe’s heart, I shall not ask to hear what she is
whispering, or describe further that scene of meeting; though I declare
I am quite affected when I think of it. Indeed I have thought of it
any time these five-and-twenty years--ever since, as a boy at school, I
commenced the noble study of novels--ever since the day when, lying on
sunny slopes of half-holidays, the fair chivalrous figures and beautiful
shapes of knights and ladies were visible to me--ever since I grew to
love Rebecca, that sweetest creature of the poet’s fancy, and longed to
see her righted.

That she and Ivanhoe were married, follows of course; for Rowena’s
promise extorted from him was, that he would never wed a Jewess, and a
better Christian than Rebecca now was never said her catechism. Married
I am sure they were, and adopted little Cedric; but I don’t think they
had any other children, or were subsequently very boisterously happy. Of
some sort of happiness melancholy is a characteristic, and I think these
were a solemn pair, and died rather early.




It is seldom that the historian has to record events more singular than
those which occurred during this year, when the Crown of France was
battled for by no less than four pretenders, with equal claims, merits,
bravery, and popularity. First in the list we place--His Royal Highness
Louis Anthony Frederick Samuel Anna Maria, Duke of Brittany, and son
of Louis XVI. The unhappy Prince, when a prisoner with his unfortunate
parents in the Temple, was enabled to escape from that place of
confinement, hidden (for the treatment of the ruffians who guarded
him had caused the young Prince to dwindle down astonishingly) in the
cocked-hat of the Representative, Roederer. It is well known that,
in the troublous revolutionary times, cocked-hats were worn of a
considerable size.

He passed a considerable part of his life in Germany; was confined there
for thirty years in the dungeons of Spielberg; and, escaping thence
to England, was, under pretence of debt, but in reality from political
hatred, imprisoned there also in the Tower of London. He must not be
confounded with any other of the persons who laid claim to be children
of the unfortunate victim of the first Revolution.

The next claimant, Henri of Bordeaux, is better known. In the year 1843
he held his little fugitive court in furnished lodgings, in a forgotten
district of London, called Belgrave Square. Many of the nobles of France
flocked thither to him, despising the persecutions of the occupant of
the throne; and some of the chiefs of the British nobility--among whom
may be reckoned the celebrated and chivalrous Duke of Jenkins--aided the
adventurous young Prince with their counsels, their wealth, and their

The third candidate was his Imperial Highness Prince John Thomas
Napoleon--a fourteenth cousin of the late Emperor; and said by some
to be a Prince of the House of Gomersal. He argued justly that, as the
immediate relatives of the celebrated Corsican had declined to compete
for the crown which was their right, he, Prince John Thomas, being next
in succession, was, undoubtedly, heir to the vacant imperial throne. And
in support of his claim, he appealed to the fidelity of Frenchmen and
the strength of his good sword.

His Majesty Louis Philippe was, it need not be said, the illustrious
wielder of the sceptre which the three above-named princes desired
to wrest from him. It does not appear that the sagacious monarch was
esteemed by his subjects, as such a prince should have been esteemed.
The light-minded people, on the contrary, were rather weary than
otherwise of his sway. They were not in the least attached to his
amiable family, for whom his Majesty with characteristic thrift had
endeavored to procure satisfactory allowances. And the leading statesmen
of the country, whom his Majesty had disgusted, were suspected of
entertaining any but feelings of loyalty towards his house and person.

It was against the above-named pretenders that Louis Philippe (now
nearly a hundred years old), a prince amongst sovereigns, was called
upon to defend his crown.

The city of Paris was guarded, as we all know, by a hundred and
twenty-four forts, of a thousand guns each--provisioned for a
considerable time, and all so constructed as to fire, if need were,
upon the palace of the Tuileries. Thus, should the mob attack it, as in
August 1792, and July 1830, the building could be razed to the ground in
an hour; thus, too, the capital was quite secure from foreign invasion.
Another defence against the foreigners was the state of the roads. Since
the English companies had retired, half a mile only of railroad had been
completed in France, and thus any army accustomed, as those of Europe
now are, to move at sixty miles an hour, would have been ennuye’d to
death before they could have marched from the Rhenish, the Maritime, the
Alpine, or the Pyrenean frontier upon the capital of France. The French
people, however, were indignant at this defect of communication in their
territory, and said, without the least show of reason, that they would
have preferred that the five hundred and seventy-five thousand billions
of francs which had been expended upon the fortifications should have
been laid out in a more peaceful manner. However, behind his forts, the
King lay secure.

As it is our aim to depict in as vivid a manner as possible the strange
events of the period, the actions, the passions of individuals and
parties engaged, we cannot better describe them than by referring to
contemporary documents, of which there is no lack. It is amusing at the
present day to read in the pages of the Moniteur and the Journal des
Debats the accounts of the strange scenes which took place.

The year 1884 had opened very tranquilly. The Court of the Tuileries had
been extremely gay. The three-and-twenty youngest Princes of England,
sons of her Majesty Victoria, had enlivened the balls by their presence;
the Emperor of Russia and family had paid their accustomed visit; and
the King of the Belgians had, as usual, made his visit to his royal
father-in-law, under pretence of duty and pleasure, but really to demand
payment of the Queen of the Belgians’ dowry, which Louis Philippe of
Orleans still resolutely declined to pay. Who would have thought that
in the midst of such festivity danger was lurking rife, in the midst of
such quiet, rebellion?

Charenton was the great lunatic asylum of Paris, and it was to this
repository that the scornful journalist consigned the pretender to the
throne of Louis XVI.

But on the next day, viz. Saturday, the 29th February, the same journal
contained a paragraph of a much more startling and serious import; in
which, although under a mask of carelessness, it was easy to see the
Government alarm.

On Friday, the 28th February, the Journal des Debats contained a
paragraph, which did not occasion much sensation at the Bourse, so
absurd did its contents seem. It ran as follows:--

“ENCORE UN LOUIS XVII.! A letter from Calais tells us that a strange
personage lately landed from England (from Bedlam we believe) has been
giving himself out to be the son of the unfortunate Louis XVI. This is
the twenty-fourth pretender of the species who has asserted that his
father was the august victim of the Temple. Beyond his pretensions, the
poor creature is said to be pretty harmless; he is accompanied by one
or two old women, who declare they recognize in him the Dauphin; he
does not make any attempt to seize upon his throne by force of arms, but
waits until heaven shall conduct him to it.

“If his Majesty comes to Paris, we presume he will TAKE UP his quarters
in the palace of Charenton.

“We have not before alluded to certain rumors which have been afloat
(among the lowest canaille and the vilest estaminets of the metropolis),
that a notorious personage--why should we hesitate to mention the name
of the Prince John Thomas Napoleon?--has entered France with culpable
intentions, and revolutionary views. The Moniteur of this morning,
however, confirms the disgraceful fact. A pretender is on our shores;
an armed assassin is threatening our peaceful liberties; a wandering,
homeless cut-throat is robbing on our highways; and the punishment of
his crime awaits him. Let no considerations of the past defer that just
punishment; it is the duty of the legislator to provide for THE FUTURE.
Let the full powers of the law be brought against him, aided by the
stern justice of the public force. Let him be tracked, like a wild
beast, to his lair, and meet the fate of one. But the sentence has,
ere this, been certainly executed. The brigand, we hear, has been
distributing (without any effect) pamphlets among the low ale-houses and
peasantry of the department of the Upper Rhine (in which he lurks); and
the Police have an easy means of tracking his footsteps.

“Corporal Crane, of the Gendarmerie, is on the track of the unfortunate
young man. His attempt will only serve to show the folly of the
pretenders, and the love, respect, regard, fidelity, admiration,
reverence, and passionate personal attachment in which we hold our
beloved sovereign.”



“A courier has just arrived at the Tuileries with a report that after
a scuffle between Corporal Crane and the ‘Imperial Army,’ in a
water-barrel, whither the latter had retreated, victory has remained
with the former. A desperate combat ensued in the first place, in a
hay-loft, whence the pretender was ejected with immense loss. He is now
a prisoner--and we dread to think what his fate may be! It will warn
future aspirants, and give Europe a lesson which it is not likely to
forget. Above all, it will set beyond a doubt the regard, respect,
admiration, reverence, and adoration which we all feel for our


“A second courier has arrived. The infatuated Crane has made common
cause with the Prince, and forever forfeited the respect of Frenchmen.
A detachment of the 520th Leger has marched in pursuit of the pretender
and his dupes. Go, Frenchmen, go and conquer! Remember that it is our
rights you guard, our homes which you march to defend; our laws which
are confided to the points of your unsullied bayonets;--above all, our
dear, dear sovereign, around whose throne you rally!

“Our feelings overpower us. Men of the 520th, remember your watchword is
Gemappes,--your countersign, Valmy.”

“The Emperor of Russia and his distinguished family quitted the
Tuileries this day. His Imperial Majesty embraced his Majesty the King
of the French with tears in his eyes, and conferred upon their RR. HH.
the Princes of Nemours and Joinville, the Grand Cross of the Order of
the Blue Eagle.”

“His Majesty passed a review of the Police force. The venerable monarch
was received with deafening cheers by this admirable and disinterested
body of men. Those cheers were echoed in all French hearts. Long, long
may our beloved Prince be among us to receive them!”



Sunday, February 30th.

We resume our quotations from the Debats, which thus introduces a third
pretender to the throne:--

“Is this distracted country never to have peace? While on Friday we
recorded the pretensions of a maniac to the great throne of France;
while on Saturday we were compelled to register the culpable attempts
of one whom we regard as a ruffian, murderer, swindler, forger, burglar,
and common pickpocket, to gain over the allegiance of Frenchmen--it
is to-day our painful duty to announce a THIRD invasion--yes, a third
invasion. The wretched, superstitious, fanatic Duke of Bordeaux has
landed at Nantz, and has summoned the Vendeans and the Bretons to mount
the white cockade.

“Grand Dieu! are we not happy under the tricolor? Do we not repose under
the majestic shadow of the best of kings? Is there any name prouder than
that of Frenchman; any subject more happy than that of our sovereign?
Does not the whole French family adore their father? Yes. Our lives, our
hearts, our blood, our fortune, are at his disposal: it was not in vain
that we raised, it is not the first time we have rallied round, the
august throne of July. The unhappy Duke is most likely a prisoner by
this time; and the martial court which shall be called upon to judge one
infamous traitor and pretender, may at the same moment judge another.
Away with both! let the ditch of Vincennes (which has been already fatal
to his race) receive his body, too, and with it the corpse of the other
pretender. Thus will a great crime be wiped out of history, and the
manes of a slaughtered martyr avenged!

“One word more. We hear that the Duke of Jenkins accompanies the
descendant of Caroline of Naples. An ENGLISH DUKE, entendez-vous! An
English Duke, great heaven! and the Princes of England still dancing in
our royal halls! Where, where will the perfidy of Albion end?”

“The King reviewed the third and fourth battalions of Police. The usual
heart-rending cheers accompanied the monarch, who looked younger than
ever we saw him--ay, as young as when he faced the Austrian cannon at
Valmy and scattered their squadrons at Gemappes.

“Rations of liquor, and crosses of the Legion of Honor, were distributed
to all the men.

“The English Princes quitted the Tuileries in twenty-three
coaches-and-four. They were not rewarded with crosses of the Legion of
Honor. This is significant.”

“The Dukes of Joinville and Nemours left the palace for the departments
of the Loire and Upper Rhine, where they will take the command of the
troops. The Joinville regiment--Cavalerie de la Marine--is one of the
finest in the service.”

“Orders have been given to arrest the fanatic who calls himself Duke
of Brittany, and who has been making some disturbances in the Pas de

“ANECDOTE OF HIS MAJESTY.--At the review of troops (Police) yesterday,
his Majesty, going up to one old grognard and pulling him by the ear,
said, ‘Wilt thou have a cross or another ration of wine?’ The old hero,
smiling archly, answered, ‘Sire, a brave man can gain a cross any day
of battle, but it is hard for him sometimes to get a drink of wine.’ We
need not say that he had his drink, and the generous sovereign sent him
the cross and ribbon too.”

On the next day, the Government journals began to write in rather a
despondent tone regarding the progress of the pretenders to the throne.
In spite of their big talking, anxiety is clearly manifested, as appears
from the following remarks of the Debats:--

“The courier from the Rhine department,” says the Debats, “brings us the
following astounding Proclamation:--

“‘Strasburg, xxii. Nivose: Decadi. 92nd year of the Republic, one and
indivisible. We, John Thomas Napoleon, by the constitutions of the
Empire, Emperor of the French Republic, to our marshals, generals,
officers, and soldiers, greeting:


“‘From the summit of the Pyramids forty centuries look down upon you.
The sun of Austerlitz has risen once more. The Guard dies, but never
surrenders. My eagles, flying from steeple to steeple, never shall droop
till they perch on the towers of Notre Dame.

“‘Soldiers! the child of YOUR FATHER has remained long in exile. I have
seen the fields of Europe where your laurels are now withering, and I
have communed with the dead who repose beneath them. They ask where are
our children? Where is France? Europe no longer glitters with the
shine of its triumphant bayonets--echoes no more with the shouts of
its victorious cannon. Who could reply to such a question save with a
blush?--And does a blush become the cheeks of Frenchmen?

“‘No. Let us wipe from our faces that degrading mark of shame. Come,
as of old, and rally round my eagles! You have been subject to fiddling
prudence long enough. Come, worship now at the shrine of Glory! You have
been promised liberty, but you have had none. I will endow you with the
true, the real freedom. When your ancestors burst over the Alps, were
they not free? Yes; free to conquer. Let us imitate the example of
those indomitable myriads; and, flinging a defiance to Europe, once
more trample over her; march in triumph into her prostrate capitals,
and bring her kings with her treasures at our feet. This is the liberty
worthy of Frenchmen.

“‘Frenchmen! I promise you that the Rhine shall be restored to you; and
that England shall rank no more among the nations. I will have a marine
that shall drive her ships from the seas; a few of my brave regiments
will do the rest. Henceforth, the traveller in that desert island shall
ask, “Was it this wretched corner of the world that for a thousand years
defied Frenchmen?”

“‘Frenchmen, up and rally!--I have flung my banner to the breezes; ‘tis
surrounded by the faithful and the brave. Up, and let our motto be,


“‘The Marshal of the Empire, HARICOT.’

“Such is the Proclamation! such the hopes that a brutal-minded and
bloody adventurer holds out to our country. ‘War all over the world,’ is
the cry of the savage demon; and the fiends who have rallied round him
echo it in concert. We were not, it appears, correct in stating that a
corporal’s guard had been sufficient to seize upon the marauder, when
the first fire would have served to conclude his miserable life. But,
like a hideous disease, the contagion has spread; the remedy must be
dreadful. Woe to those on whom it will fall!

“His Royal Highness the Prince of Joinville, Admiral of France, has
hastened, as we before stated, to the disturbed districts, and takes
with him his Cavalerie de la Marine. It is hard to think that the blades
of those chivalrous heroes must be buried in the bosoms of Frenchmen:
but so be it: it is those monsters who have asked for blood, not we. It
is those ruffians who have begun the quarrel, not we. WE remain calm
and hopeful, reposing under the protection of the dearest and best of

“The wretched pretender, who called himself Duke of Brittany, has been
seized, according to our prophecy: he was brought before the Prefect of
Police yesterday, and his insanity being proved beyond a doubt, he has
been consigned to a strait-waistcoat at Charenton. So may all incendiary
enemies of our Government be overcome!

“His Royal Highness the Duke of Nemours is gone into the department
of the Loire, where he will speedily put an end to the troubles in
the disturbed districts of the Bocage and La Vendee. The foolish young
Prince, who has there raised his standard, is followed, we hear, by
a small number of wretched persons, of whose massacre we expect every
moment to receive the news. He too has issued his Proclamation, and our
readers will smile at its contents:

“‘WE HENRY, Fifth of the Name, King of France and Navarre, to all whom
it may concern, greeting:

“‘After years of exile we have once more unfurled in France the banner
of the lilies. Once more the white plume of Henri IV. floats in the
crest of his little son (petit fils)! Gallant nobles! worthy burgesses!
honest commons of my realm, I call upon you to rally round the oriflamme
of France, and summon the ban arriereban of my kingdoms. To my faithful
Bretons I need not appeal. The country of Duguesclin has loyalty for
an heirloom! To the rest of my subjects, my atheist misguided subjects,
their father makes one last appeal. Come to me, my children! your errors
shall be forgiven. Our Holy Father, the Pope, shall intercede for you.
He promised it when, before my departure on this expedition, I kissed
his inviolable toe!

“‘Our afflicted country cries aloud for reforms. The infamous
universities shall be abolished. Education shall no longer be permitted.
A sacred and wholesome inquisition shall be established. My faithful
nobles shall pay no more taxes. All the venerable institutions of our
country shall be restored as they existed before 1788. Convents and
monasteries again shall ornament our country, the calm nurseries
of saints and holy women! Heresy shall be extirpated with paternal
severity, and our country shall be free once more.

“‘His Majesty the King of Ireland, my august ally, has sent, under the
command of His Royal Highness Prince Daniel, his Majesty’s youngest son,
an irresistible IRISH BRIGADE, to co-operate in the good work. His Grace
the Lion of Judah, the canonized patriarch of Tuam, blessed their green
banner before they set forth. Henceforth may the lilies and the harp
be ever twined together. Together we will make a crusade against the
infidels of Albion, and raze their heretic domes to the ground. Let our
cry be, Vive la France! down with England! Montjoie St. Denis!


“‘The Secretary of State and Grand Inquisitor. . . LA ROUE. The
Marshal of France. . . POMADOUR DE L’AILE DE PIGEON. The General
Commander-in-Chief of the Irish Brigade in the service of his Most


“His Majesty reviewed the admirable Police force, and held a council
of Ministers in the afternoon. Measures were concerted for the instant
putting down of the disturbances in the departments of the Rhine and
Loire, and it is arranged that on the capture of the pretenders, they
shall be lodged in separate cells in the prison of the Luxembourg: the
apartments are already prepared, and the officers at their posts.

“The grand banquet that was to be given at the palace to-day to the
diplomatic body, has been put off; all the ambassadors being attacked
with illness, which compels them to stay at home.”

“The ambassadors despatched couriers to their various Governments.”

“His Majesty the King of the Belgians left the palace of the Tuileries.”



We will now resume the narrative, and endeavor to compress, in a few
comprehensive pages, the facts which are more diffusely described in the
print from which we have quoted.

It was manifest, then, that the troubles in the departments were of a
serious nature, and that the forces gathered round the two pretenders to
the crown were considerable. They had their supporters too in Paris--as
what party indeed has not? and the venerable occupant of the throne was
in a state of considerable anxiety, and found his declining years by no
means so comfortable as his virtues and great age might have warranted.

His paternal heart was the more grieved when he thought of the fate
reserved to his children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren, now
sprung up around him in vast numbers. The King’s grandson, the Prince
Royal, married to a Princess of the house of Schlippen-Schloppen, was
the father of fourteen children, all handsomely endowed with pensions
by the State. His brother, the Count D’Eu, was similarly blessed with
a multitudinous offspring. The Duke of Nemours had no children; but the
Princes of Joinville, Aumale, and Montpensier (married to the Princesses
Januaria and Februaria, of Brazil, and the Princess of the United States
of America, erected into a monarchy, 4th July, 1856, under the Emperor
Duff Green I.) were the happy fathers of immense families--all liberally
apportioned by the Chambers, which had long been entirely subservient to
his Majesty Louis Philippe.

The Duke of Aumale was King of Algeria, having married (in the first
instance) the Princess Badroulboudour, a daughter of his Highness
Abd-El-Kader. The Prince of Joinville was adored by the nation, on
account of his famous victory over the English fleet under the command
of Admiral the Prince of Wales, whose ship, the “Richard Cobden,” of 120
guns, was taken by the “Belle-Poule” frigate of 36; on which occasion
forty-five other ships of war and 79 steam-frigates struck their colors
to about one-fourth the number of the heroic French navy. The
victory was mainly owing to the gallantry of the celebrated French
horse-marines, who executed several brilliant charges under the orders
of the intrepid Joinville; and though the Irish Brigade, with their
ordinary modesty, claimed the honors of the day, yet, as only three of
that nation were present in the action, impartial history must award the
palm to the intrepid sons of Gaul.

With so numerous a family quartered on the nation, the solicitude of
the admirable King may be conceived, lest a revolution should ensue, and
fling them on the world once more. How could he support so numerous a
family? Considerable as his wealth was (for he was known to have amassed
about a hundred and thirteen billions, which were lying in the caves
of the Tuileries), yet such a sum was quite insignificant, when divided
among his progeny; and, besides, he naturally preferred getting from the
nation as much as his faithful people could possibly afford.

Seeing the imminency of the danger, and that money, well applied, is
often more efficacious than the conqueror’s sword, the King’s Ministers
were anxious that he should devote a part of his savings to the carrying
on of the war. But, with the cautiousness of age, the monarch declined
this offer; he preferred, he said, throwing himself upon his faithful
people, who, he was sure, would meet, as became them, the coming
exigency. The Chambers met his appeal with their usual devotion. At a
solemn convocation of those legislative bodies, the King, surrounded by
his family, explained the circumstances and the danger. His Majesty,
his family, his Ministers, and the two Chambers, then burst into tears,
according to immemorial usage, and raising their hands to the ceiling,
swore eternal fidelity to the dynasty and to France, and embraced each
other affectingly all round.

It need not be said that in the course of that evening two hundred
Deputies of the Left left Paris, and joined the Prince John Thomas
Napoleon, who was now advanced as far as Dijon: two hundred and
fifty-three (of the Right, the Centre, and Round the Corner,) similarly
quitted the capital to pay their homage to the Duke of Bordeaux. They
were followed, according to their several political predilections, by
the various Ministers and dignitaries of the State. The only Minister
who remained in Paris was Marshal Thiers, Prince of Waterloo (he had
defeated the English in the very field where they had obtained formerly
a success, though the victory was as usual claimed by the Irish
Brigade); but age had ruined the health and diminished the immense
strength of that gigantic leader, and it is said his only reason for
remaining in Paris was because a fit of the gout kept him in bed.

The capital was entirely tranquil. The theatres and cafes were open as
usual, and the masked balls attended with great enthusiasm: confiding in
their hundred and twenty-four forts, the light-minded people had nothing
to fear.

Except in the way of money, the King left nothing undone to conciliate
his people. He even went among them with his umbrella; but they were
little touched with that mark of confidence. He shook hands with
everybody; he distributed crosses of the Legion of Honor in such
multitudes, that red ribbon rose two hundred per cent in the market (by
which his Majesty, who speculated in the article, cleared a tolerable
sum of money). But these blandishments and honors had little effect
upon an apathetic people; and the enemy of the Orleans dynasty, the
fashionable young nobles of the Henriquinquiste party, wore gloves
perpetually, for fear (they said) that they should be obliged to shake
hands with the best of kings; while the republicans adopted coats
without button-holes, lest they should be forced to hang red ribbons in
them. The funds did not fluctuate in the least.

The proclamations of the several pretenders had had their effect. The
young men of the schools and the estaminets (celebrated places of public
education) allured by the noble words of Prince Napoleon, “Liberty,
equality, war all over the world!” flocked to his standard in
considerable numbers: while the noblesse naturally hastened to offer
their allegiance to the legitimate descendant of Saint Louis.

And truly, never was there seen a more brilliant chivalry than that
collected round the gallant Prince Henry! There was not a man in his
army but had lacquered boots and fresh white kid-gloves at morning and
evening parade. The fantastic and effeminate but brave and faithful
troops were numbered off into different legions: there was the
Fleur-d’Orange regiment; the Eau-de-Rose battalion; the Violet-Pomatum
volunteers; the Eau-de-Cologne cavalry--according to the different
scents which they affected. Most of the warriors wore lace ruffles; all
powder and pigtails, as in the real days of chivalry. A band of heavy
dragoons under the command of Count Alfred de Horsay made themselves
conspicuous for their discipline, cruelty, and the admirable cut of
their coats; and with these celebrated horsemen came from England the
illustrious Duke of Jenkins with his superb footmen. They were all six
feet high. They all wore bouquets of the richest flowers: they wore
bags, their hair slightly powdered, brilliant shoulder-knots, and
cocked-hats laced with gold. They wore the tight knee-pantaloon of
velveteen peculiar to this portion of the British infantry: and their
legs were so superb, that the Duke of Bordeaux, embracing with tears
their admirable leader on parade, said, “Jenkins, France never saw such
calves until now.” The weapon of this tremendous militia was an immense
club or cane, reaching from the sole of the foot to the nose, and
heavily mounted with gold. Nothing could stand before this terrific
weapon, and the breast-plates and plumed morions of the French
cuirassiers would have been undoubtedly crushed beneath them, had they
ever met in mortal combat. Between this part of the Prince’s forces and
the Irish auxiliaries there was a deadly animosity. Alas, there always
is such in camps! The sons of Albion had not forgotten the day when the
children of Erin had been subject to their devastating sway.

The uniform of the latter was various--the rich stuff called
corps-du-roy (worn by Coeur de Lion at Agincourt) formed their lower
habiliments for the most part: the national frieze* yielded them
tail-coats. The latter was generally torn in a fantastic manner at the
elbows, skirts, and collars, and fastened with every variety of button,
tape, and string. Their weapons were the caubeen, the alpeen, and
the doodeen of the country--the latter a short but dreadful weapon of
offence. At the demise of the venerable Theobald Mathew, the nation had
laid aside its habit of temperance, and universal intoxication betokened
their grief; it became afterwards their constant habit. Thus do men ever
return to the haunts of their childhood: such a power has fond memory
over us! The leaders of this host seem to have been, however, an
effeminate race; they are represented by contemporary historians as
being passionately fond of FLYING KITES. Others say they went into
battle armed with “bills,” no doubt rude weapons; for it is stated that
foreigners could never be got to accept them in lieu of their own arms.
The Princes of Mayo, Donegal, and Connemara, marched by the side of
their young and royal chieftain, the Prince of Ballybunion, fourth son
of Daniel the First, King of the Emerald Isle.

     * Were these in any way related to the chevaux-de-frise on
     which the French cavalry were mounted?

Two hosts then, one under the Eagles, and surrounded by the republican
imperialists, the other under the antique French Lilies, were marching
on the French capital. The Duke of Brittany, too, confined in the
lunatic asylum of Charenton, found means to issue a protest against his
captivity, which caused only derision in the capital. Such was the state
of the empire, and such the clouds that were gathering round the Sun of



It was not the first time that the King had had to undergo misfortunes;
and now, as then, he met them like a man. The Prince of Joinville was
not successful in his campaign against the Imperial Pretender: and that
bravery which had put the British fleet to flight, was found, as might
be expected, insufficient against the irresistible courage of native
Frenchmen. The Horse Marines, not being on their own element, could not
act with their usual effect. Accustomed to the tumult of the swelling
seas, they were easily unsaddled on terra firma and in the Champagne

It was literally in the Champagne country that the meeting between the
troops under Joinville and Prince Napoleon took place! for both armies
had reached Rheims, and a terrific battle was fought underneath the
walls. For some time nothing could dislodge the army of Joinville,
entrenched in the champagne cellars of Messrs. Ruinart, Moet, and
others; but making too free with the fascinating liquor, the army at
length became entirely drunk: on which the Imperialists, rushing into
the cellars, had an easy victory over them; and, this done, proceeded to
intoxicate themselves likewise.

The Prince of Joinville, seeing the deroute of his troops, was compelled
with a few faithful followers to fly towards Paris, and Prince Napoleon
remained master of the field of battle. It is needless to recapitulate
the bulletin which he published the day after the occasion, so soon as
he and his secretaries were in a condition to write: eagles, pyramids,
rainbows, the sun of Austerlitz, &c., figured in the proclamation, in
close imitation of his illustrious uncle. But the great benefit of the
action was this: on arousing from their intoxication, the late soldiers
of Joinville kissed and embraced their comrades of the Imperial army,
and made common cause with them.

“Soldiers!” said the Prince, on reviewing them the second day after the
action, “the Cock is a gallant bird; but he makes way for the Eagle!
Your colors are not changed. Ours floated on the walls of Moscow--yours
on the ramparts of Constantine; both are glorious. Soldiers of
Joinville! we give you welcome, as we would welcome your illustrious
leader, who destroyed the fleets of Albion. Let him join us! We will
march together against that perfidious enemy.

“But, Soldiers! intoxication dimmed the laurels of yesterday’s glorious
day! Let us drink no more of the fascinating liquors of our native
Champagne. Let us remember Hannibal and Capua; and, before we plunge
into dissipation, that we have Rome still to conquer!

“Soldiers! Seltzer-water is good after too much drink. Wait awhile, and
your Emperor will lead you into a Seltzer-water country. Frenchmen! it

Deafening shouts of “Vive l’Empereur!” saluted this allusion of the
Prince, and the army knew that their natural boundary should be restored
to them. The compliments to the gallantry of the Prince of Joinville
likewise won all hearts, and immensely advanced the Prince’s cause. The
Journal des Debats did not know which way to turn. In one paragraph it
called the Emperor “a sanguinary tyrant, murderer, and pickpocket;” in a
second it owned he was “a magnanimous rebel, and worthy of forgiveness;”
 and, after proclaiming “the brilliant victory of the Prince of
Joinville,” presently denominated it a “funeste journee.”

The next day the Emperor, as we may now call him, was about to march on
Paris, when Messrs. Ruinart and Moet were presented, and requested to be
paid for 300,000 bottles of wine. “Send three hundred thousand more to
the Tuileries,” said the Prince, sternly: “our soldiers will be thirsty
when they reach Paris.” And taking Moet with him as a hostage, and
promising Ruinart that he would have him shot unless he obeyed, with
trumpets playing and eagles glancing in the sun, the gallant Imperial
army marched on their triumphant way.



We have now to record the expedition of the Prince of Nemours against
his advancing cousin, Henry V. His Royal Highness could not march
against the enemy with such a force as he would have desired to bring
against them; for his royal father, wisely remembering the vast amount
of property he had stowed away under the Tuileries, refused to allow
a single soldier to quit the forts round the capital, which thus
was defended by one hundred and forty-four thousand guns
(eighty-four-pounders), and four hundred and thirty-two thousand
men:--little enough, when one considers that there were but three men
to a gun. To provision this immense army, and a population of double the
amount within the walls, his Majesty caused the country to be scoured
for fifty miles round, and left neither ox, nor ass, nor blade of grass.
When appealed to by the inhabitants of the plundered district, the
royal Philip replied, with tears in his eyes, that his heart bled for
them--that they were his children--that every cow taken from the meanest
peasant was like a limb torn from his own body; but that duty must be
done, that the interests of the country demanded the sacrifice, and
that in fact, they might go to the deuce. This the unfortunate creatures
certainly did.

The theatres went on as usual within the walls. The Journal des Debats
stated every day that the pretenders were taken; the Chambers sat--such
as remained--and talked immensely about honor, dignity, and the glorious
revolution of July; and the King, as his power was now pretty nigh
absolute over them, thought this a good opportunity to bring in a bill
for doubling his children’s allowances all round.

Meanwhile the Duke of Nemours proceeded on his march; and as there
was nothing left within fifty miles of Paris wherewith to support his
famished troops, it may be imagined that he was forced to ransack the
next fifty miles in order to maintain them. He did so. But the troops
were not such as they should have been, considering the enemy with whom
they had to engage.

The fact is, that most of the Duke’s army consisted of the National
Guard; who, in a fit of enthusiasm, and at the cry of “LA PATRIE EN
DANGER” having been induced to volunteer, had been eagerly accepted
by his Majesty, anxious to lessen as much as possible the number of
food-consumers in his beleaguered capital. It is said even that he
selected the most gormandizing battalions of the civic force to send
forth against the enemy: viz, the grocers, the rich bankers, the
lawyers, &c. Their parting with their families was very affecting. They
would have been very willing to recall their offer of marching, but
companies of stern veterans closing round them, marched them to the
city gates, which were closed upon them; and thus perforce they were
compelled to move on. As long as he had a bottle of brandy and a couple
of sausages in his holsters, the General of the National Guard, Odillon
Barrot, talked with tremendous courage. Such was the power of his
eloquence over the troops, that, could he have come up with the enemy
while his victuals lasted, the issue of the combat might have been very
different. But in the course of the first day’s march he finished
both the sausages and the brandy, and became quite uneasy, silent, and

It was on the fair plains of Touraine, by the banks of silver Loire,
that the armies sat down before each other, and the battle was to take
place which had such an effect upon the fortunes of France. ‘Twas a
brisk day of March: the practised valor of Nemours showed him at once
what use to make of the army under his orders, and having enfiladed
his National Guard battalions, and placed his artillery in echelons,
he formed his cavalry into hollow squares on the right and left of
his line, flinging out a cloud of howitzers to fall back upon the
main column. His veteran infantry he formed behind his National
Guard--politely hinting to Odillon Barrot, who wished to retire under
pretence of being exceedingly unwell, that the regular troops would
bayonet the National Guard if they gave way an inch: on which their
General, turning very pale, demurely went back to his post. His men were
dreadfully discouraged; they had slept on the ground all night; they
regretted their homes and their comfortable nightcaps in the Rue St.
Honore: they had luckily fallen in with a flock of sheep and a drove
of oxen at Tours the day before; but what were these, compared to the
delicacies of Chevet’s or three courses at Vefour’s? They mournfully
cooked their steaks and cutlets on their ramrods, and passed a most
wretched night.

The army of Henry was encamped opposite to them for the most part in
better order. The noble cavalry regiments found a village in which they
made themselves pretty comfortable, Jenkins’s Foot taking possession of
the kitchens and garrets of the buildings. The Irish Brigade, accustomed
to lie abroad, were quartered in some potato fields, where they sang
Moore’s melodies all night. There were, besides the troops regular and
irregular, about three thousand priests and abbes with the army, armed
with scourging-whips, and chanting the most lugubrious canticles: these
reverend men were found to be a hindrance rather than otherwise to the
operations of the regular forces.

It was a touching sight, on the morning before the battle, to see the
alacrity with which Jenkins’s regiment sprung up at the FIRST reveille
of the bell, and engaged (the honest fellows!) in offices almost
menial for the benefit of their French allies. The Duke himself set the
example, and blacked to a nicety the boots of Henri. At half-past ten,
after coffee, the brilliant warriors of the cavalry were ready; their
clarions rung to horse, their banners were given to the wind, their
shirt-collars were exquisitely starched, and the whole air was scented
with the odors of their pomatums and pocket-handkerchiefs.

Jenkins had the honor of holding the stirrup for Henri. “My faithful
Duke!” said the Prince, pulling him by the shoulder-knot, “thou art
always at THY POST.” “Here, as in Wellington Street, sire,” said
the hero, blushing. And the Prince made an appropriate speech to his
chivalry, in which allusions to the lilies, Saint Louis, Bayard
and Henri Quatre, were, as may be imagined, not spared. “Ho!
standard-bearer!” the Prince concluded, “fling out my oriflamme. Noble
gents of France, your King is among you to-day!”

Then turning to the Prince of Ballybunion, who had been drinking
whiskey-punch all night with the Princes of Donegal and Connemara,
“Prince,” he said, “the Irish Brigade has won every battle in the French
history--we will not deprive you of the honor of winning this. You will
please to commence the attack with your brigade.” Bending his head until
the green plumes of his beaver mingled with the mane of the Shetland
pony which he rode, the Prince of Ireland trotted off with his
aides-de-camp; who rode the same horses, powerful grays, with which a
dealer at Nantz had supplied them on their and the Prince’s joint bill
at three months.

The gallant sons of Erin had wisely slept until the last minute in
their potato-trenches, but rose at once at the summons of their beloved
Prince. Their toilet was the work of a moment--a single shake and it
was done. Rapidly forming into a line, they advanced headed by their
Generals,--who, turning their steeds into a grass-field, wisely
determined to fight on foot. Behind them came the line of British
foot under the illustrious Jenkins, who marched in advance perfectly
collected, and smoking a Manilla cigar. The cavalry were on the right
and left of the infantry, prepared to act in pontoon, in echelon, or in
ricochet, as occasion might demand. The Prince rode behind, supported by
his Staff, who were almost all of them bishops, archdeacons, or abbes;
and the body of ecclesiastics followed, singing to the sound, or rather
howl, of serpents and trombones, the Latin canticles of the Reverend
Franciscus O’Mahony, lately canonized under the name of Saint Francis of

The advanced lines of the two contending armies were now in
presence--the National Guard of Orleans and the Irish Brigade. The white
belts and fat paunches of the Guard presented a terrific appearance; but
it might have been remarked by the close observer, that their faces were
as white as their belts, and the long line of their bayonets might be
seen to quiver. General Odillon Barrot, with a cockade as large as
a pancake, endeavored to make a speech: the words honneur, patrie,
Francais, champ de bataille might be distinguished; but the General was
dreadfully flustered, and was evidently more at home in the Chamber of
Deputies than in the field of war.

The Prince of Ballybunion, for a wonder, did not make a speech. “Boys,”
 said he, “we’ve enough talking at the Corn Exchange; bating’s the word
now.” The Green-Islanders replied with a tremendous hurroo, which sent
terror into the fat bosoms of the French.

“Gentlemen of the National Guard,” said the Prince, taking off his hat
and bowing to Odillon Barrot, “will ye be so igsthramely obleeging as
to fire first.” This he said because it had been said at Fontenoy,
but chiefly because his own men were only armed with shillelaghs, and
therefore could not fire.

But this proposal was very unpalatable to the National Guardsmen: for
though they understood the musket-exercise pretty well, firing was the
thing of all others they detested--the noise, and the kick of the gun,
and the smell of the powder being very unpleasant to them. “We won’t
fire,” said Odillon Barrot, turning round to Colonel Saugrenue and his
regiment of the line--which, it may be remembered, was formed behind the
National Guard.

“Then give them the bayonet,” said the Colonel, with a terrific oath.
“Charge, corbleu!”

At this moment, and with the most dreadful howl that ever was heard,
the National Guard was seen to rush forwards wildly, and with immense
velocity, towards the foe. The fact is, that the line regiment behind
them, each selecting his man, gave a poke with his bayonet between the
coat-tails of the Nationals, and those troops bounded forward with an
irresistible swiftness.

Nothing could withstand the tremendous impetus of that manoeuvre. The
Irish Brigade was scattered before it, as chaff before the wind. The
Prince of Ballybunion had barely time to run Odillon Barrot through
the body, when he too was borne away in the swift rout. They scattered
tumultuously, and fled for twenty miles without stopping. The Princes of
Donegal and Connemara were taken prisoners; but though they offered to
give bills at three months, and for a hundred thousand pounds, for their
ransom, the offer was refused, and they were sent to the rear; when the
Duke of Nemours, hearing they were Irish Generals, and that they had
been robbed of their ready money by his troops, who had taken them
prisoners, caused a comfortable breakfast to be supplied to them, and
lent them each a sum of money. How generous are men in success!--the
Prince of Orleans was charmed with the conduct of his National Guards,
and thought his victory secure. He despatched a courier to Paris with
the brief words, “We met the enemy before Tours. The National Guard has
done its duty. The troops of the pretender are routed. Vive le Roi!”
 The note, you may be sure, appeared in the Journal des Debats, and the
editor, who only that morning had called Henri V. “a great prince,
an august exile,” denominated him instantly a murderer, slave, thief,
cut-throat, pickpocket, and burglar.



But the Prince had not calculated that there was a line of British
infantry behind the routed Irish Brigade. Borne on with the hurry of
the melee, flushed with triumph, puffing and blowing with running, and
forgetting, in the intoxication of victory, the trifling bayonet-pricks
which had impelled them to the charge, the conquering National Guardsmen
found themselves suddenly in presence of Jenkins’s Foot.

They halted all in a huddle, like a flock of sheep.

“UP, FOOT, AND AT THEM!” were the memorable words of the Duke Jenkins,
as, waving his baton, he pointed towards the enemy, and with a
tremendous shout the stalwart sons of England rushed on!--Down went
plume and cocked-hat, down went corporal and captain, down went grocer
and tailor, under the long staves of the indomitable English Footmen.
“A Jenkins! a Jenkins!” roared the Duke, planting a blow which broke the
aquiline nose of Major Arago, the celebrated astronomer. “St. George for
Mayfair!” shouted his followers, strewing the plain with carcasses. Not
a man of the Guard escaped; they fell like grass before the mower.

“They are gallant troops, those yellow-plushed Anglais,” said the Duke
of Nemours, surveying them with his opera-glass. “‘Tis a pity they will
all be cut up in half an hour. Concombre! take your dragoons, and do
it!” “Remember Waterloo, boys!” said Colonel Concombre, twirling his
moustache, and a thousand sabres flashed in the sun, and the gallant
hussars prepared to attack the Englishmen.

Jenkins, his gigantic form leaning on his staff, and surveying the havoc
of the field, was instantly aware of the enemy’s manoeuvre. His people
were employed rifling the pockets of the National Guard, and had made a
tolerable booty, when the great Duke, taking a bell out of his pocket,
(it was used for signals in his battalion in place of fife or bugle,)
speedily called his scattered warriors together. “Take the muskets of
the Nationals,” said he. They did so. “Form in square, and prepare to
receive cavalry!” By the time Concombre’s regiment arrived, he found a
square of bristling bayonets with Britons behind them!

The Colonel did not care to attempt to break that tremendous body.
“Halt!” said he to his men.

“Fire!” screamed Jenkins, with eagle swiftness; but the guns of the
National Guard not being loaded, did not in consequence go off. The
hussars gave a jeer of derision, but nevertheless did not return to the
attack, and seeing some of the Legitimist cavalry at hand, prepared to
charge upon them.

The fate of those carpet warriors was soon decided. The Millefleur
regiment broke before Concombre’s hussars instantaneously; the
Eau-de-Rose dragoons stuck spurs into their blood horses, and galloped
far out of reach of the opposing cavalry; the Eau-de-Cologne lancers
fainted to a man, and the regiment of Concombre, pursuing its course,
had actually reached the Prince and his aides-de-camp, when the
clergymen coming up formed gallantly round the oriflamme, and the
bassoons and serpents braying again, set up such a shout of canticles,
and anathemas, and excommunications, that the horses of Concombre’s
dragoons in turn took fright, and those warriors in their turn broke and
fled. As soon as they turned, the Vendean riflemen fired amongst them
and finished them: the gallant Concombre fell; the intrepid though
diminutive Cornichon, his major, was cut down; Cardon was wounded a la
moelle, and the wife of the fiery Navet was that day a widow. Peace to
the souls of the brave! In defeat or in victory, where can the soldier
find a more fitting resting-place than the glorious field of carnage?
Only a few disorderly and dispirited riders of Concombre’s regiment
reached Tours at night. They had left it but the day before, a thousand
disciplined and high-spirited men!

Knowing how irresistible a weapon is the bayonet in British hands, the
intrepid Jenkins determined to carry on his advantage, and charged the
Saugrenue light infantry (now before him) with COLD STEEL. The Frenchmen
delivered a volley, of which a shot took effect in Jenkins’s cockade,
but did not abide the crossing of the weapons. “A Frenchman dies, but
never surrenders,” said Saugrenue, yielding up his sword, and his whole
regiment were stabbed, trampled down, or made prisoners. The blood of
the Englishmen rose in the hot encounter. Their curses were horrible;
their courage tremendous. “On! on!” hoarsely screamed they; and a second
regiment met them and was crushed, pounded in the hurtling, grinding
encounter. “A Jenkins, a Jenkins!” still roared the heroic Duke: “St.
George for Mayfair!” The Footmen of England still yelled their terrific
battle-cry, “Hurra, hurra!” On they went; regiment after regiment
was annihilated, until, scared at the very trample of the advancing
warriors, the dismayed troops of France screaming fled. Gathering
his last warriors round about him, Nemours determined to make a last
desperate effort. ‘Twas vain: the ranks met; the next moment the
truncheon of the Prince of Orleans was dashed from his hand by the
irresistible mace of the Duke Jenkins; his horse’s shins were broken by
the same weapon. Screaming with agony the animal fell. Jenkins’s hand
was at the Duke’s collar in a moment, and had he not gasped out, “Je me
rends!” he would have been throttled in that dreadful grasp!

Three hundred and forty-two standards, seventy-nine regiments, their
baggage, ammunition, and treasure-chests, fell into the hands of the
victorious Duke. He had avenged the honor of Old England; and himself
presenting the sword of the conquered Nemours to Prince Henri, who now
came up, the Prince bursting into tears, fell on his neck and said,
“Duke, I owe my crown to my patron saint and you.” It was indeed a
glorious victory: but what will not British valor attain?

The Duke of Nemours, having despatched a brief note to Paris, saying,
“Sire, all is lost except honor!” was sent off in confinement; and in
spite of the entreaties of his captor, was hardly treated with decent
politeness. The priests and the noble regiments who rode back when the
affair was over, were for having the Prince shot at once, and murmured
loudly against “cet Anglais brutal” who interposed in behalf of the
prisoner. Henri V. granted the Prince his life; but, no doubt misguided
by the advice of his noble and ecclesiastical counsellors, treated the
illustrious English Duke with marked coldness, and did not even ask him
to supper that night.

“Well!” said Jenkins, “I and my merry men can sup alone.” And, indeed,
having had the pick of the plunder of about 28,000 men, they had
wherewithal to make themselves pretty comfortable. The prisoners
(25,403) were all without difficulty induced to assume the white
cockade. Most of them had those marks of loyalty ready sewn in their
flannel-waistcoats, where they swore they had worn them ever since 1830.
This we may believe, and we will; but the Prince Henri was too politic
or too good-humored in the moment of victory, to doubt the sincerity of
his new subjects’ protestations, and received the Colonels and Generals
affably at his table.

The next morning a proclamation was issued to the united armies.
“Faithful soldiers of France and Navarre,” said the Prince, “the saints
have won for us a great victory--the enemies of our religion have
been overcome--the lilies are restored to their native soil. Yesterday
morning at eleven o’clock the army under my command engaged that which
was led by his SERENE Highness the Duke de Nemours. Our forces were but
a third in number when compared with those of the enemy. My faithful
chivalry and nobles made the strength, however, equal.

“The regiments of Fleur-d’Orange, Millefleur, and Eau-de-Cologne covered
themselves with glory: they sabred many thousands of the enemy’s troops.
Their valor was ably seconded by the gallantry of my ecclesiastical
friends: at a moment of danger they rallied round my banner, and
forsaking the crosier for the sword, showed that they were of the church
militant indeed.

“My faithful Irish auxiliaries conducted themselves with becoming
heroism--but why particularize when all did their duty? How remember
individual acts when all were heroes?” The Marshal of France,
Sucre d’Orgeville, Commander of the Army of H.M. Christian Majesty,
recommended about three thousand persons for promotion; and the
indignation of Jenkins and his brave companions may be imagined when it
is stated that they were not even mentioned in the despatch!

As for the Princes of Ballybunion, Donegal, and Connemara, they wrote
off despatches to their Government, saying, “The Duke of Nemours is
beaten, and a prisoner! The Irish Brigade has done it all!” On which
his Majesty the King of the Irish, convoking his Parliament at the
Corn Exchange Palace, Dublin, made a speech, in which he called Louis
Philippe an “old miscreant,” and paid the highest compliments to his son
and his troops. The King on this occasion knighted Sir Henry Sheehan,
Sir Gavan Duffy (whose journals had published the news), and was so
delighted with the valor of his son, that he despatched him his order
of the Pig and Whistle (1st class), and a munificent present of five
hundred thousand pounds--in a bill at three months. All Dublin was
illuminated; and at a ball at the Castle the Lord Chancellor Smith
(Earl of Smithereens) getting extremely intoxicated, called out the Lord
Bishop of Galway (the Dove), and they fought in the Phoenix Park. Having
shot the Right Reverend Bishop through the body, Smithereens apologized.
He was the same practitioner who had rendered himself so celebrated in
the memorable trial of the King--before the Act of Independence.

Meanwhile, the army of Prince Henri advanced with rapid strides towards
Paris, whither the History likewise must hasten; for extraordinary were
the events preparing in that capital.



By a singular coincidence, on the very same day when the armies of Henri
V. appeared before Paris from the Western Road, those of the Emperor
John Thomas Napoleon arrived from the North. Skirmishes took place
between the advanced-guards of the two parties, and much slaughter

“Bon!” thought King Louis Philippe, who examined them from his tower;
“they will kill each other. This is by far the most economical way of
getting rid of them.” The astute monarch’s calculations were admirably
exposed by a clever remark of the Prince of Ballybunion. “Faix, Harry,”
 says he (with a familiarity which the punctilious son of Saint Louis
resented), “you and him yandther--the Emperor, I mane--are like the
Kilkenny cats, dear.”

“Et que font-ils ces chats de Kilkigny, Monsieur le Prince de
Ballybunion?” asked the Most Christian King haughtily.

Prince Daniel replied by narrating the well-known apologue of the
animals “ating each other all up but their TEELS; and that’s what you
and Imparial Pop yondther will do, blazing away as ye are,” added the
jocose and royal boy.

“Je prie votre Altesse Royale de vaguer a ses propres affaires,”
 answered Prince Henri sternly: for he was an enemy to anything like a
joke; but there is always wisdom in real wit, and it would have been
well for his Most Christian Majesty had he followed the facetious
counsels of his Irish ally.

The fact is, the King, Henri, had an understanding with the garrisons of
some of the forts, and expected all would declare for him. However, of
the twenty-four forts which we have described, eight only--and by
the means of Marshal Soult, who had grown extremely devout of late
years--declared for Henri, and raised the white flag: while eight
others, seeing Prince John Thomas Napoleon before them in the costume
of his revered predecessor, at once flung open their gates to him, and
mounted the tricolor with the eagle. The remaining eight, into which the
Princes of the blood of Orleans had thrown themselves, remained
constant to Louis Philippe. Nothing could induce that Prince to quit the
Tuileries. His money was there, and he swore he would remain by it. In
vain his sons offered to bring him into one of the forts--he would not
stir without his treasure. They said they would transport it thither;
but no, no: the patriarchal monarch, putting his finger to his aged
nose, and winking archly, said “he knew a trick worth two of that,” and
resolved to abide by his bags.

The theatres and cafes remained open as usual: the funds rose three
centimes. The Journal des Debats published three editions of different
tones of politics: one, the Journal de l’Empire, for the Napoleonites;
the Journal de la Legitimite another, very complimentary to the
Legitimate monarch; and finally, the original edition, bound heart
and soul to the dynasty of July. The poor editor, who had to write all
three, complained not a little that his salary was not raised: but the
truth is, that, by altering the names, one article did indifferently for
either paper. The Duke of Brittany, under the title of Louis XVII., was
always issuing manifestoes from Charenton, but of these the Parisians
took little heed: the Charivari proclaimed itself his Gazette, and was
allowed to be very witty at the expense of the three pretenders.

As the country had been ravaged for a hundred miles round, the
respective Princes of course were for throwing themselves into the
forts, where there was plenty of provision; and, when once there, they
speedily began to turn out such of the garrison as were disagreeable to
them, or had an inconvenient appetite, or were of a doubtful fidelity.
These poor fellows turned into the road, had no choice but starvation;
as to getting into Paris, that was impossible: a mouse could not have
got into the place, so admirably were the forts guarded, without having
his head taken off by a cannon-ball. Thus the three conflicting parties
stood, close to each other, hating each other, “willing to wound and
yet afraid to strike”--the victuals in the forts, from the prodigious
increase of the garrisons, getting smaller every day. As for Louis
Philippe in his palace, in the centre of the twenty-four forts, knowing
that a spark from one might set them all blazing away, and that he and
his money-bags might be blown into eternity in ten minutes, you may
fancy his situation was not very comfortable.

But his safety lay in his treasure. Neither the Imperialists nor
the Bourbonites were willing to relinquish the two hundred and fifty
billions in gold; nor would the Princes of Orleans dare to fire upon
that considerable sum of money, and its possessor, their revered father.
How was this state of things to end? The Emperor sent a note to his Most
Christian Majesty (for they always styled each other in this manner in
their communications), proposing that they should turn out and decide
the quarrel sword in hand; to which proposition Henri would have
acceded, but that the priests, his ghostly counsellors, threatened to
excommunicate him should he do so. Hence this simple way of settling the
dispute was impossible.

The presence of the holy fathers caused considerable annoyance in the
forts. Especially the poor English, as Protestants, were subject to much
petty persecution, to the no small anger of Jenkins, their commander.
And it must be confessed that these intrepid Footmen were not so
amenable to discipline as they might have been. Remembering the usages
of merry England, they clubbed together, and swore they would have four
meals of meat a day, wax-candles in the casemates, and their porter.
These demands were laughed at: the priests even called upon them to fast
on Fridays; on which a general mutiny broke out in the regiment; and
they would have had a FOURTH standard raised before Paris--viz., that
of England--but the garrison proving too strong for them, they were
compelled to lay down their sticks; and, in consideration of past
services, were permitted to leave the forts. ‘Twas well for them! as you
shall hear.

The Prince of Ballybunion and the Irish force were quartered in the fort
which, in compliment to them, was called Fort Potato, and where they
made themselves as comfortable as circumstances would admit. The Princes
had as much brandy as they liked, and passed their time on the ramparts
playing at dice, or pitch-and-toss (with the halfpenny that one of
them somehow had) for vast sums of money, for which they gave their
notes-of-hand. The warriors of their legion would stand round delighted;
and it was, “Musha, Master Dan, but that’s a good throw!” “Good luck to
you, Misther Pat, and throw thirteen this time!” and so forth. But this
sort of inaction could not last long. They had heard of the treasures
amassed in the palace of the Tuileries: they sighed when they thought
of the lack of bullion in their green and beautiful country. They panted
for war! They formed their plan.



On the morning of the 26th October, 1884, as his Majesty Louis Philippe
was at breakfast reading the Debats newspaper, and wishing that what
the journal said about “Cholera Morbus in the Camp of the
Pretender Henri,”--“Chicken-pox raging in the Forts of the Traitor
Bonaparte,”--might be true, what was his surprise to hear the report
of a gun; and at the same instant--whiz! came an eighty-four-pound ball
through the window and took off the head of the faithful Monsieur de
Montalivet, who was coming in with a plate of muffins.

“Three francs for the window,” said the monarch; “and the muffins of
course spoiled!” and he sat down to breakfast very peevishly. Ah, King
Louis Philippe, that shot cost thee more than a window-pane--more than
a plate of muffins--it cost thee a fair kingdom and fifty millions of

The shot had been fired from Fort Potato. “Gracious heavens!” said the
commander of the place to the Irish Prince, in a fury, “What has your
Highness done?” “Faix,” replied the other, “Donegal and I saw a sparrow
on the Tuileries, and we thought we’d have a shot at it, that’s all.”
 “Hurroo! look out for squalls,” here cried the intrepid Hibernian; for
at this moment one of Paixhans’ shells fell into the counterscarp of the
demilune on which they were standing, and sent a ravelin and a couple of
embrasures flying about their ears.

Fort Twenty-three, which held out for Louis Philippe, seeing Fort
Twenty-four, or Potato, open a fire on the Tuileries, instantly replied
by its guns, with which it blazed away at the Bourbonite fort. On seeing
this, Fort Twenty-two, occupied by the Imperialists, began pummelling
Twenty-three; Twenty-one began at Twenty-two; and in a quarter of an
hour the whole of this vast line of fortification was in a blaze of
flame, flashing, roaring, cannonading, rocketing, bombing, in the most
tremendous manner. The world has never perhaps, before or since, heard
such an uproar. Fancy twenty-four thousand guns thundering at each
other. Fancy the sky red with the fires of hundreds of thousands of
blazing, brazen meteors; the air thick with impenetrable smoke--the
universe almost in a flame! for the noise of the cannonading was heard
on the peaks of the Andes, and broke three windows in the English
factory at Canton. Boom, boom, boom! for three days incessantly the
gigantic--I may say, Cyclopean battle went on: boom, boom, boom, bong!
The air was thick with cannon-balls: they hurtled, they jostled each
other in the heavens, and fell whizzing, whirling, crashing, back into
the very forts from which they came. Boom, boom, boom, bong--brrwrrwrrr!

On the second day a band might have been seen (had the smoke permitted
it) assembling at the sally-port of Fort Potato, and have been heard
(if the tremendous clang of the cannonading had allowed it) giving
mysterious signs and countersigns. “Tom,” was the word whispered,
“Steele” was the sibilated response. (It is astonishing how, in the
roar of elements, THE HUMAN WHISPER hisses above all!) It was the
Irish Brigade assembling. “Now or never, boys!” said their leaders; and
sticking their doodeens into their mouths, they dropped stealthily into
the trenches, heedless of the broken glass and sword-blades; rose from
those trenches; formed in silent order; and marched to Paris. They
knew they could arrive there unobserved--nobody, indeed, remarked their

The frivolous Parisians were, in the meanwhile, amusing themselves
at their theatres and cafes as usual; and a new piece, in which Arnal
performed, was the universal talk of the foyers: while a new feuilleton
by Monsieur Eugene Sue, kept the attention of the reader so fascinated
to the journal, that they did not care in the least for the vacarme
without the walls.



The tremendous cannonading, however, had a singular effect upon the
inhabitants of the great public hospital of Charenton, in which it may
be remembered Louis XVII. had been, as in mockery, confined. His majesty
of demeanor, his calm deportment, the reasonableness of his pretensions,
had not failed to strike with awe and respect his four thousand comrades
of captivity. The Emperor of China, the Princess of the Moon, Julius
Caesar, Saint Genevieve, the patron saint of Paris, the Pope of Rome,
the Cacique of Mexico, and several singular and illustrious personages
who happened to be confined there, all held a council with Louis XVII.;
and all agreed that now or never was the time to support his legitimate
pretensions to the Crown of France. As the cannons roared around
them, they howled with furious delight in response. They took counsel
together: Dr. Pinel and the infamous jailers, who, under the name of
keepers, held them in horrible captivity, were pounced upon and overcome
in a twinkling. The strait-waistcoats were taken off from the wretched
captives languishing in the dungeons; the guardians were invested in
these shameful garments, and with triumphant laughter plunged under the
Douches. The gates of the prison were flung open, and they marched forth
in the blackness of the storm!


On the third day, the cannonading was observed to decrease; only a gun
went off fitfully now and then.


On the fourth day, the Parisians said to one another, “Tiens! ils sont
fatigues, les cannoniers des forts!”--and why? Because there was no more
powder?--Ay, truly, there WAS no more powder.

There was no more powder, no more guns, no more gunners, no more forts,
no more nothing. THE FORTS HAD BLOWN EACH OTHER UP. The battle-roar
ceased. The battle-clouds rolled off. The silver moon, the twinkling
stars, looked blandly down from the serene azure,--and all was
peace--stillness--the stillness of death. Holy, holy silence!

Yes: the battle of Paris was over. And where were the combatants? All
gone--not one left!--And where was Louis Philippe? The venerable Prince
was a captive in the Tuileries; the Irish Brigade was encamped around
it: they had reached the palace a little too late; it was already
occupied by the partisans of his Majesty Louis XVII.

That respectable monarch and his followers better knew the way to the
Tuileries than the ignorant sons of Erin. They burst through the feeble
barriers of the guards; they rushed triumphant into the kingly halls
of the palace; they seated the seventeenth Louis on the throne of his
ancestors; and the Parisians read in the Journal des Debats, of the
fifth of November; an important article, which proclaimed that the civil
war was concluded:--

“The troubles which distracted the greatest empire in the world are at
an end. Europe, which marked with sorrow the disturbances which agitated
the bosom of the Queen of Nations, the great leader of Civilization,
may now rest in peace. That monarch whom we have long been sighing for;
whose image has lain hidden, and yet oh! how passionately worshipped,
in every French heart, is with us once more. Blessings be on him;
blessings--a thousand blessings upon the happy country which is at
length restored to his beneficent, his legitimate, his reasonable sway!

“His Most Christian Majesty Louis XVII. yesterday arrived at his palace
of the Tulleries, accompanied by his august allies. His Royal Highness
the Duke of Orleans has resigned his post as Lieutenant-General of the
kingdom, and will return speedily to take up his abode at the Palais
Royal. It is a great mercy that the children of his Royal Highness, who
happened to be in the late forts round Paris, (before the bombardment
which has so happily ended in their destruction,) had returned to their
father before the commencement of the cannonading. They will continue,
as heretofore, to be the most loyal supporters of order and the throne.

“None can read without tears in their eyes our august monarch’s

“‘Louis, by &c.--

“‘My children! After nine hundred and ninety-nine years of captivity, I
am restored to you. The cycle of events predicted by the ancient Magi,
and the planetary convolutions mentioned in the lost Sibylline books,
have fulfilled their respective idiosyncrasies, and ended (as always in
the depths of my dungeons I confidently expected) in the triumph of the
good Angel, and the utter discomfiture of the abominable Blue Dragon.

“‘When the bombarding began, and the powers of darkness commenced their
hellish gunpowder evolutions, I was close by--in my palace of Charenton,
three hundred and thirty-three thousand miles off, in the ring of
Saturn--I witnessed your misery. My heart was affected by it, and I
said, “Is the multiplication-table a fiction? are the signs of the
Zodiac mere astronomers’ prattle?”

“‘I clapped chains, shrieking and darkness, on my physician, Dr. Pinel.
The keepers I shall cause to be roasted alive. I summoned my allies
round about me. The high contracting Powers came to my bidding:
monarchs from all parts of the earth; sovereigns from the Moon and other
illumined orbits; the white necromancers, and the pale imprisoned genii.
I whispered the mystic sign, and the doors flew open. We entered Paris
in triumph, by the Charenton bridge. Our luggage was not examined at the
Octroi. The bottle-green ones were scared at our shouts, and retreated,
howling: they knew us, and trembled.

“‘My faithful Peers and Deputies will rally around me. I have a friend
in Turkey--the Grand Vizier of the Mussulmans: he was a Protestant
once--Lord Brougham by name. I have sent to him to legislate for us:
he is wise in the law, and astrology, and all sciences; he shall aid my
Ministers in their councils. I have written to him by the post. There
shall be no more infamous mad-houses in France, where poor souls shiver
in strait-waistcoats.

“‘I recognized Louis Philippe, my good cousin. He was in his
counting-house, counting out his money, as the old prophecy warned me.
He gave me up the keys of his gold; I shall know well how to use it.
Taught by adversity, I am not a spendthrift, neither am I a miser. I
will endow the land with noble institutions instead of diabolical
forts. I will have no more cannon founded. They are a curse and shall
be melted--the iron ones into railroads; the bronze ones into statues of
beautiful saints, angels, and wise men; the copper ones into money, to
be distributed among my poor. I was poor once, and I love them.

“‘There shall be no more poverty; no more wars; no more avarice; no more
passports; no more custom-houses; no more lying: no more physic.

“‘My Chambers will put the seal to these reforms. I will it. I am the

(Signed) ‘Louis.’”

“Some alarm was created yesterday by the arrival of a body of the
English Foot-Guard under the Duke of Jenkins; they were at first about
to sack the city, but on hearing that the banner of the lilies was once
more raised in France, the Duke hastened to the Tuileries, and offered
his allegiance to his Majesty. It was accepted: and the Plush Guard
has been established in place of the Swiss, who waited on former

“The Irish Brigade quartered in the Tuileries are to enter our service.
Their commander states that they took every one of the forts round
Paris, and having blown them up, were proceeding to release Louis
XVII., when they found that august monarch, happily, free. News of their
glorious victory has been conveyed to Dublin, to his Majesty the King of
the Irish. It will be a new laurel to add to his green crown!”

And thus have we brought to a conclusion our history of the great
French Revolution of 1884. It records the actions of great and various
characters; the deeds of various valor; it narrates wonderful reverses
of fortune; it affords the moralist scope for his philosophy; perhaps it
gives amusement to the merely idle reader. Nor must the latter imagine,
because there is not a precise moral affixed to the story, that its
tendency is otherwise than good. He is a poor reader, for whom
his author is obliged to supply a moral application. It is well in
spelling-books and for children; it is needless for the reflecting
spirit. The drama of Punch himself is not moral: but that drama has had
audiences all over the world. Happy he, who in our dark times can cause
a smile! Let us laugh then, and gladden in the sunshine, though it be
but as the ray upon the pool, that flickers only over the cold black
depths below!



On the 1st of January, 1838, I was the master of a lovely shop in the
neighborhood of Oxford Market; of a wife, Mrs. Cox; of a business, both
in the shaving and cutting line, established three-and-thirty years; of
a girl and boy respectively of the ages of eighteen and thirteen; of
a three-windowed front, both to my first and second pair; of a young
foreman, my present partner, Mr. Orlando Crump; and of that celebrated
mixture for the human hair, invented by my late uncle, and called
Cox’s Bohemian Balsam of Tokay, sold in pots at two-and-three and
three-and-nine. The balsam, the lodgings, and the old-established
cutting and shaving business brought me in a pretty genteel income. I
had my girl, Jemimarann, at Hackney, to school; my dear boy, Tuggeridge,
plaited her hair beautifully; my wife at the counter (behind the tray of
patent soaps, &c.) cut as handsome a figure as possible; and it was my
hope that Orlando and my girl, who were mighty soft upon one another,
would one day be joined together in Hyming, and, conjointly with my son
Tug, carry on the business of hairdressers when their father was either
dead or a gentleman: for a gentleman me and Mrs. C. determined I should

Jemima was, you see, a lady herself, and of very high connections:
though her own family had met with crosses, and was rather low. Mr.
Tuggeridge, her father, kept the famous tripe-shop near the “Pigtail and
Sparrow,” in the Whitechapel Road; from which place I married her; being
myself very fond of the article, and especially when she served it to
me--the dear thing!

Jemima’s father was not successful in business: and I married her, I am
proud to confess it, without a shilling. I had my hands, my house, and
my Bohemian balsam to support her!--and we had hopes from her uncle,
a mighty rich East India merchant, who, having left this country sixty
years ago as a cabin-boy, had arrived to be the head of a great house in
India, and was worth millions, we were told.

Three years after Jemimarann’s birth (and two after the death of my
lamented father-in-law), Tuggeridge (head of the great house of Budgurow
and Co.) retired from the management of it; handed over his shares to
his son, Mr. John Tuggeridge, and came to live in England, at Portland
Place, and Tuggeridgeville, Surrey, and enjoy himself. Soon after, my
wife took her daughter in her hand and went, as in duty bound, to
visit her uncle: but whether it was that he was proud and surly, or she
somewhat sharp in her way, (the dear girl fears nobody, let me have you
to know,) a desperate quarrel took place between them; and from that
day to the day of his death, he never set eyes on her. All that he would
condescend to do, was to take a few dozen of lavender-water from us in
the course of the year, and to send his servants to be cut and shaved by
us. All the neighbors laughed at this poor ending of our expectations,
for Jemmy had bragged not a little; however, we did not care, for the
connection was always a good one, and we served Mr. Hock, the valet;
Mr. Bar, the coachman; and Mrs. Breadbasket, the housekeeper, willingly
enough. I used to powder the footman, too, on great days, but never in
my life saw old Tuggeridge, except once: when he said “Oh, the barber!”
 tossed up his nose, and passed on.

One day--one famous day last January--all our Market was thrown into
a high state of excitement by the appearance of no less than three
vehicles at our establishment. As me, Jemmy, my daughter, Tug, and
Orlando, were sitting in the back-parlor over our dinner (it being
Christmas-time, Mr. Crump had treated the ladies to a bottle of port,
and was longing that there should be a mistletoe-bough: at which
proposal my little Jemimarann looked as red as a glass of negus):--we
had just, I say, finished the port, when, all of a sudden, Tug bellows
out, “La, Pa, here’s uncle Tuggeridge’s housekeeper in a cab!”

And Mrs. Breadbasket it was, sure enough--Mrs. Breadbasket in deep
mourning, who made her way, bowing and looking very sad, into the back
shop. My wife, who respected Mrs. B. more than anything else in the
world, set her a chair, offered her a glass of wine, and vowed it was
very kind of her to come. “La, mem,” says Mrs. B., “I’m sure I’d
do anything to serve your family, for the sake of that poor dear
Tuck-Tuck-tug-guggeridge, that’s gone.”

“That’s what?” cries my wife.

“What, gone?” cried Jemimarann, bursting out crying (as little girls
will about anything or nothing); and Orlando looking very rueful, and
ready to cry too.

“Yes, gaw--” Just as she was at this very “gaw” Tug roars out, “La, Pa!
here’s Mr. Bar, uncle Tug’s coachman!”

It was Mr. Bar. When she saw him, Mrs. Breadbasket stepped suddenly back
into the parlor with my ladies. “What is it, Mr. Bar?” says I; and as
quick as thought, I had the towel under his chin, Mr. Bar in the chair,
and the whole of his face in a beautiful foam of lather. Mr. Bar made
some resistance.--“Don’t think of it, Mr. Cox,” says he; “don’t trouble
yourself, sir.” But I lathered away and never minded. “And what’s this
melancholy event, sir,” says I, “that has spread desolation in your
family’s bosoms? I can feel for your loss, sir--I can feel for your

I said so out of politeness, because I served the family, not because
Tuggeridge was my uncle--no, as such I disown him.

Mr. Bar was just about to speak. “Yes, sir,” says he, “my master’s
gaw--” when at the “gaw” in walks Mr. Hock, the own man!--the finest
gentleman I ever saw.

“What, YOU here, Mr. Bar!” says he.

“Yes, I am, sir; and haven’t I a right, sir?”

“A mighty wet day, sir,” says I to Mr. Hock--stepping up and making my
bow. “A sad circumstance too, sir! And is it a turn of the tongs that
you want to-day, sir? Ho, there, Mr. Crump!”

“Turn, Mr. Crump, if you please, sir,” said Mr. Hock, making a bow:
“but from you, sir, never--no, never, split me!--and I wonder how some
fellows can have the INSOLENCE to allow their MASTERS to shave them!”
 With this, Mr. Hock flung himself down to be curled: Mr. Bar suddenly
opened his mouth in order to reply; but seeing there was a tiff between
the gentlemen, and wanting to prevent a quarrel, I rammed the Advertiser
into Mr. Hock’s hands, and just popped my shaving-brush into Mr. Bar’s
mouth--a capital way to stop angry answers.

Mr. Bar had hardly been in the chair one second, when whir comes a
hackney-coach to the door, from which springs a gentleman in a black
coat with a bag.

“What, you here!” says the gentleman. I could not help smiling, for it
seemed that everybody was to begin by saying, “What, YOU here!” “Your
name is Cox, sir?” says he; smiling too, as the very pattern of mine.
“My name, sir, is Sharpus,--Blunt, Hone and Sharpus, Middle Temple
Lane,--and I am proud to salute you, sir; happy,--that is to say, sorry
to say that Mr. Tuggeridge, of Portland Place, is dead, and your lady
is heiress, in consequence, to one of the handsomest properties in the

At this I started, and might have sunk to the ground, but for my hold of
Mr. Bar’s nose; Orlando seemed putrified to stone, with his irons fixed
to Mr. Hock’s head; our respective patients gave a wince out:--Mrs. C.,
Jemimarann, and Tug, rushed from the back shop, and we formed a splendid
tableau such as the great Cruikshank might have depicted.

“And Mr. John Tuggeridge, sir?” says I.

“Why--hee, hee, hee!” says Mr. Sharpus. “Surely you know that he was
only the--hee, hee, hee!--the natural son!”

You now can understand why the servants from Portland Place had been so
eager to come to us. One of the house-maids heard Mr. Sharpus say there
was no will, and that my wife was heir to the property, and not Mr. John
Tuggeridge: this she told in the housekeeper’s room; and off, as soon as
they heard it, the whole party set, in order to be the first to bear the

We kept them, every one in their old places; for, though my wife would
have sent them about their business, my dear Jemimarann just hinted,
“Mamma, you know THEY have been used to great houses, and we have not;
had we not better keep them for a little?”--Keep them, then, we did, to
show us how to be gentlefolks.

I handed over the business to Mr. Crump without a single farthing of
premium, though Jemmy would have made me take four hundred pounds for
it; but this I was above: Crump had served me faithfully, and have the
shop he should.


We were speedily installed in our fine house: but what’s a house without
friends? Jemmy made me CUT all my old acquaintances in the Market, and
I was a solitary being; when, luckily, an old acquaintance of ours,
Captain Tagrag, was so kind as to promise to introduce us into
distinguished society. Tagrag was the son of a baronet, and had done us
the honor of lodging with us for two years; when we lost sight of him,
and of his little account, too, by the way. A fortnight after, hearing
of our good fortune, he was among us again, however; and Jemmy was not a
little glad to see him, knowing him to be a baronet’s son, and very fond
of our Jemimarann. Indeed, Orlando (who is as brave as a lion) had on
one occasion absolutely beaten Mr. Tagrag for being rude to the poor
girl: a clear proof, as Tagrag said afterwards, that he was always fond
of her.

Mr. Crump, poor fellow, was not very much pleased by our good fortune,
though he did all he could to try at first; and I told him to come and
take his dinner regular, as if nothing had happened. But to this Jemima
very soon put a stop, for she came very justly to know her stature, and
to look down on Crump, which she bid her daughter to do; and, after a
great scene, in which Orlando showed himself very rude and angry, he was
forbidden the house--for ever!

So much for poor Crump. The Captain was now all in all with us. “You
see, sir,” our Jemmy would say, “we shall have our town and country
mansion, and a hundred and thirty thousand pounds in the funds, to leave
between our two children; and, with such prospects, they ought surely to
have the first society of England.” To this Tagrag agreed, and promised
to bring us acquainted with the very pink of the fashion; ay, and what’s
more, did.

First, he made my wife get an opera-box, and give suppers on Tuesdays
and Saturdays. As for me, he made me ride in the Park: me and
Jemimarann, with two grooms behind us, who used to laugh all the way,
and whose very beards I had shaved. As for little Tug, he was sent
straight off to the most fashionable school in the kingdom, the Reverend
Doctor Pigney’s, at Richmond.

Well, the horses, the suppers, the opera-box, the paragraphs in the
papers about Mr. Coxe Coxe (that’s the way: double your name and stick
an “e” to the end of it, and you are a gentleman at once), had an effect
in a wonderfully short space of time, and we began to get a very pretty
society about us. Some of old Tug’s friends swore they would do anything
for the family, and brought their wives and daughters to see dear Mrs.
Coxe and her charming girl; and when, about the first week in
February, we announced a grand dinner and ball for the evening of the
twenty-eighth, I assure you there was no want of company: no, nor
of titles neither; and it always does my heart good even to hear one

Let me see. There was, first, my Lord Dunboozle, an Irish peer, and his
seven sons, the Honorable Messieurs Trumper (two only to dinner): there
was Count Mace, the celebrated French nobleman, and his Excellency Baron
von Punter from Baden; there was Lady Blanche Bluenose, the eminent
literati, author of “The Distrusted” “The Distorted,” “The Disgusted,”
 “The Disreputable One,” and other poems; there was the Dowager Lady
Max and her daughter, the Honorable Miss Adelaide Blueruin; Sir Charles
Codshead, from the City; and Field-Marshal Sir Gorman O’Gallagher, K.A.,
K.B., K.C., K.W., K.X., in the service of the Republic of Guatemala:
my friend Tagrag and his fashionable acquaintance, little Tom Tufthunt,
made up the party. And when the doors were flung open, and Mr. Hock, in
black, with a white napkin, three footmen, coachman, and a lad whom Mrs.
C. had dressed in sugar-loaf buttons and called a page, were seen round
the dinner-table, all in white gloves, I promise you I felt a thrill of
elation, and thought to myself--Sam Cox, Sam Cox, who ever would have
expected to see you here?

After dinner, there was to be, as I said, an evening-party; and to this
Messieurs Tagrag and Tufthunt had invited many of the principal nobility
that our metropolis had produced. When I mention, among the company to
tea, her Grace the Duchess of Zero, her son the Marquis of Fitzurse,
and the Ladies North Pole her daughters; when I say that there were yet
OTHERS, whose names may be found in the Blue Book, but shan’t, out of
modesty, be mentioned here, I think I’ve said enough to show that, in
our time, No. 96, Portland Place, was the resort of the best of company.

It was our first dinner, and dressed by our new cook, Munseer
Cordongblew. I bore it very well; eating, for my share, a filly dysol
allamater dotell, a cutlet soubeast, a pully bashymall, and other French
dishes: and, for the frisky sweet wine, with tin tops to the bottles,
called Champang, I must say that me and Mrs. Coxe-Tuggeridge Coxe drank
a very good share of it (but the Claret and Jonnysberger, being sour, we
did not much relish). However, the feed, as I say, went off very well:
Lady Blanche Bluenose sitting next to me, and being so good as to put
me down for six copies of all her poems; the Count and Baron von Punter
engaging Jemimarann for several waltzes, and the Field-Marshal plying my
dear Jemmy with Champagne, until, bless her! her dear nose became as
red as her new crimson satin gown, which, with a blue turban and
bird-of-paradise feathers, made her look like an empress, I warrant.

Well, dinner past, Mrs. C. and the ladies went off:--thunder-under-under
came the knocks at the door; squeedle-eedle-eedle, Mr. Wippert’s
fiddlers began to strike up; and, about half-past eleven, me and the
gents thought it high time to make our appearance. I felt a LITTLE
squeamish at the thought of meeting a couple of hundred great people;
but Count Mace and Sir Gorman O’Gallagher taking each an arm, we
reached, at last, the drawing-room.

The young ones in company were dancing, and the Duchess and the great
ladies were all seated, talking to themselves very stately, and working
away at the ices and macaroons. I looked out for my pretty Jemimarann
amongst the dancers, and saw her tearing round the room along with Baron
Punter, in what they call a gallypard; then I peeped into the circle
of the Duchesses, where, in course, I expected to find Mrs. C.; but she
wasn’t there! She was seated at the further end of the room, looking
very sulky; and I went up and took her arm, and brought her down to the
place where the Duchesses were. “Oh, not there!” said Jemmy, trying to
break away. “Nonsense, my dear,” says I: “you are missis, and this is
your place.” Then going up to her ladyship the Duchess, says I, “Me and
my missis are most proud of the honor of seeing of you.”

The Duchess (a tall red-haired grenadier of a woman) did not speak.

I went on: “The young ones are all at it, ma’am, you see; and so we
thought we would come and sit down among the old ones. You and I, ma’am,
I think, are too stiff to dance.”

“Sir!” says her Grace.

“Ma’am,” says I, “don’t you know me? My name’s Cox. Nobody’s introduced
me; but, dash it, it’s my own house, and I may present myself--so give
us your hand, ma’am.”

And I shook hers in the kindest way in the world; but--would you
believe it?--the old cat screamed as if my hand had been a hot ‘tater.
“Fitzurse! Fitzurse!” shouted she, “help! help!” Up scuffled all the
other Dowagers--in rushed the dancers. “Mamma! mamma!” squeaked Lady
Julia North Pole. “Lead me to my mother,” howled Lady Aurorer: and both
came up and flung themselves into her arms. “Wawt’s the raw?” said Lord
Fitzurse, sauntering up quite stately.

“Protect me from the insults of this man,” says her Grace. “Where’s
Tufthunt? he promised that not a soul in this house should speak to me.”

“My dear Duchess,” said Tufthunt, very meek.

“Don’t Duchess ME, sir. Did you not promise they should not speak;
and hasn’t that horrid tipsy wretch offered to embrace me? Didn’t his
monstrous wife sicken me with her odious familiarities? Call my people,
Tufthunt! Follow me, my children!”

“And my carriage,” “And mine,” “And mine!” shouted twenty more voices.
And down they all trooped to the hall: Lady Blanche Bluenose and Lady
Max among the very first; leaving only the Field-Marshal and one or two
men, who roared with laughter ready to split.

“Oh, Sam,” said my wife, sobbing, “why would you take me back to them?
they had sent me away before! I only asked the Duchess whether she
didn’t like rum-shrub better than all your Maxarinos and Curasosos:
and--would you believe it?--all the company burst out laughing; and the
Duchess told me just to keep off, and not to speak till I was spoken to.
Imperence! I’d like to tear her eyes out.”

And so I do believe my dearest Jemmy would!


Our ball had failed so completely that Jemmy, who was bent still
upon fashion, caught eagerly at Tagrag’s suggestion, and went down to
Tuggeridgeville. If we had a difficulty to find friends in town, here
there was none: for the whole county came about us, ate our dinners and
suppers, danced at our balls--ay, and spoke to us too. We were great
people in fact: I a regular country gentleman; and as such, Jemmy
insisted that I should be a sportsman, and join the county hunt. “But,”
 says I, “my love, I can’t ride.” “Pooh! Mr. C.” said she, “you’re always
making difficulties: you thought you couldn’t dance a quadrille; you
thought you couldn’t dine at seven o’clock; you thought you couldn’t lie
in bed after six; and haven’t you done every one of these things? You
must and you shall ride!” And when my Jemmy said “must and shall,” I
knew very well there was nothing for it: so I sent down fifty guineas to
the hunt, and, out of compliment to me, the very next week, I received
notice that the meet of the hounds would take place at Squashtail
Common, just outside my lodge-gates.

I didn’t know what a meet was; and me and Mrs. C. agreed that it was
most probable the dogs were to be fed there. However, Tagrag explained
this matter to us, and very kindly promised to sell me a horse, a
delightful animal of his own; which, being desperately pressed for
money, he would let me have for a hundred guineas, he himself having
given a hundred and fifty for it.

Well, the Thursday came: the hounds met on Squashtail Common; Mrs. C.
turned out in her barouche to see us throw off; and, being helped up
on my chestnut horse, Trumpeter, by Tagrag and my head groom, I came
presently round to join them.

Tag mounted his own horse; and, as we walked down the avenue, “I
thought,” he said, “you told me you knew how to ride; and that you had
ridden once fifty miles on a stretch!”

“And so I did,” says I, “to Cambridge, and on the box too.”

“ON THE BOX!” says he; “but did you ever mount a horse before?”

“Never,” says I, “but I find it mighty easy.”

“Well,” says he, “you’re mighty bold for a barber; and I like you, Coxe,
for your spirit.” And so we came out of the gate.

As for describing the hunt, I own, fairly, I can’t. I’ve been at a hunt,
but what a hunt is--why the horses WILL go among the dogs and ride them
down--why the men cry out “yooooic”--why the dogs go snuffing about in
threes and fours, and the huntsman says, “Good Towler--good Betsy,” and
we all of us after him say, “Good Towler--good Betsy” in course: then,
after hearing a yelp here and a howl there, tow, row, yow, yow, yow!
burst out, all of a sudden, from three or four of them, and the chap
in a velvet cap screeches out (with a number of oaths I shan’t repeat
here), “Hark, to Ringwood!” and then, “There he goes!” says some one;
and all of a sudden, helter skelter, skurry hurry, slap bang, whooping,
screeching and hurraing, blue-coats and red-coats, bays and grays,
horses, dogs, donkeys, butchers, baro-knights, dustmen, and blackguard
boys, go tearing all together over the common after two or three of the
pack that yowl loudest. Why all this is, I can’t say; but it all took
place the second Thursday of last March, in my presence.

Up to this, I’d kept my seat as well as the best, for we’d only been
trotting gently about the field until the dogs found; and I managed
to stick on very well; but directly the tow-rowing began, off went
Trumpeter like a thunderbolt, and I found myself playing among the
dogs like the donkey among the chickens. “Back, Mr. Coxe,” holloas
the huntsman; and so I pulled very hard, and cried out, “Wo!” but he
wouldn’t; and on I went galloping for the dear life. How I kept on is a
wonder; but I squeezed my knees in very tight, and shoved my feet very
hard into the stirrups, and kept stiff hold of the scruff of Trumpeter’s
neck, and looked betwixt his ears as well as ever I could, and trusted
to luck: for I was in a mortal fright, sure enough, as many a better man
would be in such a case, let alone a poor hairdresser.

As for the hounds, after my first riding in among them, I tell you
honestly, I never saw so much as the tip of one of their tails; nothing
in this world did I see except Trumpeter’s dun-colored mane, and that I
gripped firm: riding, by the blessing of luck, safe through the walking,
the trotting, the galloping, and never so much as getting a tumble.

There was a chap at Croydon very well known as the “Spicy Dustman,” who,
when he could get no horse to ride to the hounds, turned regularly out
on his donkey; and on this occasion made one of us. He generally managed
to keep up with the dogs by trotting quietly through the cross-roads,
and knowing the country well. Well, having a good guess where the hounds
would find, and the line that sly Reynolds (as they call the fox) would
take, the Spicy Dustman turned his animal down the lane from Squashtail
to Cutshins Common; across which, sure enough, came the whole hunt.
There’s a small hedge and a remarkably fine ditch here: some of the
leading chaps took both, in gallant style; others went round by a gate,
and so would I, only I couldn’t; for Trumpeter would have the hedge, and
be hanged to him, and went right for it.

Hoop! if ever you DID try a leap! Out go your legs, out fling your arms,
off goes your hat; and the next thing you feel--that is, I did--is a
most tremendous thwack across the chest, and my feet jerked out of the
stirrups: me left in the branches of a tree; Trumpeter gone clean from
under me, and walloping and floundering in the ditch underneath. One of
the stirrup-leathers had caught in a stake, and the horse couldn’t get
away: and neither of us, I thought, ever WOULD have got away: but all of
a sudden, who should come up the lane but the Spicy Dustman!

“Holloa!” says I, “you gent, just let us down from this here tree!”

“Lor’!” says he, “I’m blest if I didn’t take you for a robin.”

“Let’s down,” says I; but he was all the time employed in disengaging
Trumpeter, whom he got out of the ditch, trembling and as quiet as
possible. “Let’s down,” says I. “Presently,” says he; and taking off
his coat, he begins whistling and swishing down Trumpeter’s sides and
saddle; and when he had finished, what do you think the rascal did?--he
just quietly mounted on Trumpeter’s back, and shouts out, “Git down
yourself, old Bearsgrease; you’ve only to drop! I’LL give your ‘oss a
hairing arter them ‘ounds; and you--vy, you may ride back my pony
to Tuggeridgeweal!” And with this, I’m blest if he didn’t ride away,
leaving me holding, as for the dear life, and expecting every minute the
branch would break.

It DID break too, and down I came into the slush; and when I got out of
it, I can tell you I didn’t look much like the Venuses or the Apollor
Belvidearis what I used to dress and titivate up for my shop window
when I was in the hairdressing line, or smell quite so elegant as our
rose-oil. Faugh! what a figure I was!

I had nothing for it but to mount the dustman’s donkey (which was very
quietly cropping grass in the hedge), and to make my way home; and after
a weary, weary journey, I arrived at my own gate.

A whole party was assembled there. Tagrag, who had come back; their
Excellencies Mace and Punter, who were on a visit; and a number of
horses walking up and down before the whole of the gentlemen of the
hunt, who had come in after losing their fox! “Here’s Squire Coxe!”
 shouted the grooms. Out rushed the servants, out poured the gents of
the hunt, and on trotted poor me, digging into the donkey, and everybody
dying with laughter at me.

Just as I got up to the door, a horse came galloping up, and passed me;
a man jumped down, and taking off a fantail hat, came up, very gravely,
to help me down.

“Squire,” says he, “how came you by that there hanimal? Jist git down,
will you, and give it to its howner?”

“Rascal!” says I, “didn’t you ride off on my horse?”

“Was there ever sich ingratitude?” says the Spicy. “I found this year
‘oss in a pond, I saves him from drowning, I brings him back to his
master, and he calls me a rascal!”

The grooms, the gents, the ladies in the balcony, my own servants, all
set up a roar at this; and so would I, only I was so deucedly ashamed,
as not to be able to laugh just then.

And so my first day’s hunting ended. Tagrag and the rest declared I
showed great pluck, and wanted me to try again; but “No,” says I, “I
HAVE been.”


I was always fond of billiards: and, in former days, at Grogram’s in
Greek Street, where a few jolly lads of my acquaintance used to meet
twice a week for a game, and a snug pipe and beer, I was generally voted
the first man of the club; and could take five from John the marker
himself. I had a genius, in fact, for the game; and now that I was
placed in that station of life where I could cultivate my talents,
I gave them full play, and improved amazingly. I do say that I think
myself as good a hand as any chap in England.

The Count and his Excellency Baron von Punter were, I can tell you,
astonished by the smartness of my play: the first two or three rubbers
Punter beat me, but when I came to know his game, I used to knock him
all to sticks; or, at least, win six games to his four: and such was the
betting upon me; his Excellency losing large sums to the Count, who knew
what play was, and used to back me. I did not play except for shillings,
so my skill was of no great service to me.

One day I entered the billiard-room where these three gentlemen were
high in words. “The thing shall not be done,” I heard Captain Tagrag
say: “I won’t stand it.”

“Vat, begause you would have de bird all to yourzelf, hey?” said the

“You sall not have a single fezare of him, begar,” said the Count: “ve
vill blow you, M. de Taguerague; parole d’honneur, ve vill.”

“What’s all this, gents,” says I, stepping in, “about birds and

“Oh,” says Tagrag, “we were talking about--about--pigeon-shooting; the
Count here says he will blow a bird all to pieces at twenty yards, and I
said I wouldn’t stand it, because it was regular murder.”

“Oh, yase, it was bidgeon-shooting,” cries the Baron: “and I know no
better sbort. Have you been bidgeon-shooting, my dear Squire? De fon is

“No doubt,” says I, “for the shooters, but mighty bad sport for the
PIGEON.” And this joke set them all a-laughing ready to die. I didn’t
know then what a good joke it WAS, neither; but I gave Master Baron,
that day, a precious good beating, and walked off with no less than
fifteen shillings of his money.

As a sporting man, and a man of fashion, I need not say that I took
in the Flare-up regularly; ay, and wrote one or two trifles in that
celebrated publication (one of my papers, which Tagrag subscribed for
me, Philo-pestitiaeamicus, on the proper sauce for teal and widgeon--and
the other, signed Scru-tatos, on the best means of cultivating the
kidney species of that vegetable--made no small noise at the time, and
got me in the paper a compliment from the editor). I was a constant
reader of the Notices to Correspondents, and, my early education having
been rayther neglected (for I was taken from my studies and set, as is
the custom in our trade, to practise on a sheep’s head at the tender
age of nine years, before I was allowed to venture on the humane
countenance,)--I say, being thus curtailed and cut off in my classical
learning, I must confess I managed to pick up a pretty smattering of
genteel information from that treasury of all sorts of knowledge; at
least sufficient to make me a match in learning for all the noblemen
and gentlemen who came to our house. Well, on looking over the Flare-up
notices to correspondents, I read, one day last April, among the
notices, as follows:--

“‘Automodon.’ We do not know the precise age of Mr. Baker of Covent
Garden Theatre; nor are we aware if that celebrated son of Thespis is a
married man.

“‘Ducks and Green-peas’ is informed, that when A plays his rook to B’s
second Knight’s square, and B, moving two squares with his Queen’s pawn,
gives check to his adversary’s Queen, there is no reason why B’s Queen
should not take A’s pawn, if B be so inclined.

“‘F. L. S.’ We have repeatedly answered the question about Madame
Vestris: her maiden name was Bartolozzi, and she married the son of
Charles Mathews, the celebrated comedian.

“‘Fair Play.’ The best amateur billiard and ecarte player in England,
is Coxe Tuggeridge Coxe, Esq., of Portland Place, and Tuggeridgeville:
Jonathan, who knows his play, can only give him two in a game of a
hundred; and, at the cards, NO man is his superior. Verbum sap.

“‘Scipio Americanus’ is a blockhead.”

I read this out to the Count and Tagrag, and both of them wondered how
the Editor of that tremendous Flare-up should get such information; and
both agreed that the Baron, who still piqued himself absurdly on his
play, would be vastly annoyed by seeing me preferred thus to himself. We
read him the paragraph, and preciously angry he was. “Id is,” he cried,
“the tables” (or “de DABELS,” as he called them),--“de horrid dabels;
gom viz me to London, and dry a slate-table, and I vill beat you.”
 We all roared at this; and the end of the dispute was, that, just to
satisfy the fellow, I agreed to play his Excellency at slate-tables, or
any tables he chose.

“Gut,” says he, “gut; I lif, you know, at Abednego’s, in de Quadrant;
his dabels is goot; ve vill blay dere, if you vill.” And I said I would:
and it was agreed that, one Saturday night, when Jemmy was at the Opera,
we should go to the Baron’s rooms, and give him a chance.

We went, and the little Baron had as fine a supper as ever I saw: lots
of Champang (and I didn’t mind drinking it), and plenty of laughing and
fun. Afterwards, down we went to billiards. “Is dish Misther Coxsh, de
shelebrated player?” says Mr. Abednego, who was in the room, with one
or two gentlemen of his own persuasion, and several foreign noblemen,
dirty, snuffy, and hairy, as them foreigners are. “Is dish Misther
Coxsh? blesh my hart, it is a honor to see you; I have heard so much of
your play.”

“Come, come,” says I, “sir”--for I’m pretty wide awake--“none of your
gammon; you’re not going to book ME.”

“No, begar, dis fish you not catch,” says Count Mace.

“Dat is gut!--haw! haw!” snorted the Baron. “Hook him! Lieber Himmel,
you might dry and hook me as well. Haw! haw!”

Well, we went to play. “Five to four on Coxe,” screams out the
Count.--“Done and done,” says another nobleman. “Ponays,” says the
Count.--“Done,” says the nobleman. “I vill take your six crowns to
four,” says the Baron.--“Done,” says I. And, in the twinkling of an eye,
I beat him once making thirteen off the balls without stopping.

We had some more wine after this; and if you could have seen the long
faces of the other noblemen, as they pulled out their pencils and wrote
I.O.U.’s for the Count! “Va toujours, mon cher,” says he to me, “you
have von for me three hundred pounds.”

“I’ll blay you guineas dis time,” says the Baron. “Zeven to four you
must give me though.” And so I did: and in ten minutes THAT game was
won, and the Baron handed over his pounds. “Two hundred and sixty more,
my dear, dear Coxe,” says the Count: “you are mon ange gardien!” “Wot a
flat Misther Coxsh is, not to back his luck,” I hoard Abednego whisper
to one of the foreign noblemen.

“I’ll take your seven to four, in tens,” said I to the Baron. “Give me
three,” says he, “and done.” I gave him three, and lost the game by one.
“Dobbel, or quits,” says he. “Go it,” says I, up to my mettle: “Sam Coxe
never says no;” and to it we went. I went in, and scored eighteen to
his five. “Holy Moshesh!” says Abednego, “dat little Coxsh is a vonder!
who’ll take odds?”

“I’ll give twenty to one,” says I, “in guineas.”

“Ponays; yase, done,” screams out the Count.

“BONIES, done,” roars out the Baron: and, before I could speak, went in,
and--would you believe it?--in two minutes he somehow made the game!


Oh, what a figure I cut when my dear Jemmy heard of this afterwards! In
vain I swore it was guineas: the Count and the Baron swore to ponies;
and when I refused, they both said their honor was concerned, and they
must have my life, or their money. So when the Count showed me actually
that, in spite of this bet (which had been too good to resist) won from
me, he had been a very heavy loser by the night; and brought me the word
of honor of Abednego, his Jewish friend, and the foreign noblemen, that
ponies had been betted;--why, I paid them one thousand pounds sterling
of good and lawful money.--But I’ve not played for money since: no, no;
catch me at THAT again if you can.


No lady is a lady without having a box at the Opera: so my Jemmy, who
knew as much about music,--bless her!--as I do about Sanscrit, algebra,
or any other foreign language, took a prime box on the second tier. It
was what they called a double box; it really COULD hold two, that is,
very comfortably; and we got it a great bargain--for five hundred
a year! Here, Tuesdays and Saturdays, we used regularly to take our
places, Jemmy and Jemimarann sitting in front; me, behind: but as my
dear wife used to wear a large fantail gauze hat with ostrich feathers,
birds-of-paradise, artificial flowers, and tags of muslin or satin,
scattered all over it, I’m blest if she didn’t fill the whole of the
front of the box; and it was only by jumping and dodging, three or four
times in the course of the night, that I could manage to get a sight
of the actors. By kneeling down, and looking steady under my darling
Jemmy’s sleeve, I DID contrive, every now and then, to have a peep of
Senior Lablash’s boots, in the “Puritanny,” and once actually saw Madame
Greasi’s crown and head-dress in “Annybalony.”

What a place that Opera is, to be sure! and what enjoyments us
aristocracy used to have! Just as you have swallowed down your three
courses (three curses I used to call them;--for so, indeed, they are,
causing a deal of heartburns, headaches, doctor’s bills, pills, want of
sleep, and such like)--just, I say, as you get down your three courses,
which I defy any man to enjoy properly unless he has two hours of drink
and quiet afterwards, up comes the carriage, in bursts my Jemmy, as
fine as a duchess, and scented like our shop. “Come, my dear,” says she,
“it’s ‘Normy’ to--night” (or “Annybalony,” or the “Nosey di Figaro,”
 or the “Gazzylarder,” as the case may be). “Mr. Foster strikes off
punctually at eight, and you know it’s the fashion to be always present
at the very first bar of the aperture.” And so off we are obliged to
budge, to be miserable for five hours, and to have a headache for the
next twelve, and all because it’s the fashion!

After the aperture, as they call it, comes the opera, which, as I am
given to understand, is the Italian for singing. Why they should sing in
Italian, I can’t conceive; or why they should do nothing BUT sing. Bless
us! how I used to long for the wooden magpie in the “Gazzylarder” to fly
up to the top of the church-steeple, with the silver spoons, and see the
chaps with the pitchforks come in and carry off that wicked Don June.
Not that I don’t admire Lablash, and Rubini, and his brother, Tomrubini:
him who has that fine bass voice, I mean, and acts the Corporal in the
first piece, and Don June in the second; but three hours is a LITTLE too
much, for you can’t sleep on those little rickety seats in the boxes.

The opera is bad enough; but what is that to the bally? You SHOULD
have seen my Jemmy the first night when she stopped to see it; and
when Madamsalls Fanny and Theresa Hustler came forward, along with a
gentleman, to dance, you should have seen how Jemmy stared, and our girl
blushed, when Madamsall Fanny, coming forward, stood on the tips of only
five of her toes, and raising up the other five, and the foot belonging
to them, almost to her shoulder, twirled round, and round, and round,
like a teetotum, for a couple of minutes or more; and as she settled
down, at last, on both feet, in a natural decent posture, you should
have heard how the house roared with applause, the boxes clapping with
all their might, and waving their handkerchiefs; the pit shouting,
“Bravo!” Some people, who, I suppose, were rather angry at such an
exhibition, threw bunches of flowers at her; and what do you think she
did? Why, hang me, if she did not come forward, as though nothing had
happened, gather up the things they had thrown at her, smile, press
them to her heart, and begin whirling round again faster than ever. Talk
about coolness, I never saw such in all MY born days.

“Nasty thing!” says Jemmy, starting up in a fury; “if women WILL act so,
it serves them right to be treated so.”

“Oh, yes! she acts beautifully,” says our friend his Excellency, who
along with Baron von Punter and Tagrag, used very seldom to miss coming
to our box.

“She may act very beautifully, Munseer, but she don’t dress so; and I am
very glad they threw that orange-peel and all those things at her, and
that the people waved to her to get off.”

Here his Excellency, and the Baron and Tag, set up a roar of laughter.

“My dear Mrs. Coxe,” says Tag, “those are the most famous dancers in the
world; and we throw myrtle, geraniums, and lilies and roses at them, in
token of our immense admiration!”

“Well, I never!” said my wife; and poor Jemimarann slunk behind the
curtain, and looked as red as it almost. After the one had done the next
begun; but when, all of a sudden, a somebody came skipping and bounding
in, like an Indian-rubber ball, flinging itself up, at least six feet
from the stage, and there shaking about its legs like mad, we were more
astonished than ever!

“That’s Anatole,” says one of the gentlemen.

“Anna who?” says my wife; and she might well be mistaken: for this
person had a hat and feathers, a bare neck and arms, great black
ringlets, and a little calico frock, which came down to the knees.

“Anatole. You would not think he was sixty-three years old, he’s as
active as a man of twenty.”

“HE!” shrieked out my wife; “what, is that there a man? For shame!
Munseer. Jemimarann, dear, get your cloak, and come along; and I’ll
thank you, my dear, to call our people, and let us go home.”

You wouldn’t think, after this, that my Jemmy, who had shown such a
horror at the bally, as they call it, should ever grow accustomed to
it; but she liked to hear her name shouted out in the crush-room, and
so would stop till the end of everything; and, law bless you! in three
weeks from that time, she could look at the ballet as she would at
a dancing-dog in the streets, and would bring her double-barrelled
opera-glass up to her eyes as coolly as if she had been a born duchess.
As for me, I did at Rome as Rome does; and precious fun it used to be,

My friend the Baron insisted one night on my going behind the scenes;
where, being a subscriber, he said I had what they call my ONTRAY.
Behind, then, I went; and such a place you never saw nor heard of! Fancy
lots of young and old gents of the fashion crowding round and staring
at the actresses practising their steps. Fancy yellow snuffy foreigners,
chattering always, and smelling fearfully of tobacco. Fancy scores of
Jews, with hooked-noses and black muzzles, covered with rings, chains,
sham diamonds, and gold waistcoats. Fancy old men dressed in old
nightgowns, with knock-knees, and dirty flesh-colored cotton stockings,
and dabs of brick-dust on their wrinkled old chops, and tow-wigs (such
wigs!) for the bald ones, and great tin spears in their hands mayhap,
or else shepherds’ crooks, and fusty garlands of flowers made of red and
green baize. Fancy troops of girls giggling, chattering, pushing to and
fro, amidst old black canvas, Gothic halls, thrones, pasteboard Cupids,
dragons, and such like. Such dirt, darkness, crowd, confusion and gabble
of all conceivable languages was never known!

If you COULD but have seen Munseer Anatole! Instead of looking twenty,
he looked a thousand. The old man’s wig was off, and a barber was giving
it a touch with the tongs; Munseer was taking snuff himself, and a boy
was standing by with a pint of beer from the public-house at the corner
of Charles Street.

I met with a little accident during the three-quarters of an hour which
they allow for the entertainment of us men of fashion on the stage,
before the curtain draws up for the bally, while the ladies in the boxes
are gaping, and the people in the pit are drumming with their feet and
canes in the rudest manner possible, as though they couldn’t wait.

Just at the moment before the little bell rings and the curtain flies
up, and we scuffle off to the sides (for we always stay till the very
last moment), I was in the middle of the stage, making myself very
affable to the fair figgerantys which was spinning and twirling about
me, and asking them if they wasn’t cold, and such like politeness, in
the most condescending way possible, when a bolt was suddenly withdrawn,
and down I popped, through a trap in the stage, into the place below.
Luckily I was stopped by a piece of machinery, consisting of a heap of
green blankets and a young lady coming up as Venus rising from the
sea. If I had not fallen so soft, I don’t know what might have been the
consequence of the collusion. I never told Mrs. Coxe, for she can’t bear
to hear of my paying the least attention to the fair sex.


Next door to us, in Portland Place, lived the Right Honorable the Earl
of Kilblazes, of Kilmacrasy Castle, County Kildare, and his mother the
Dowager Countess. Lady Kilblazes had a daughter, Lady Juliana Matilda
MacTurk, of the exact age of our dear Jemimarann; and a son, the
Honorable Arthur Wellington Anglesea Blucher Bulow MacTurk, only ten
months older than our boy Tug.

My darling Jemmy is a woman of spirit, and, as become her station, made
every possible attempt to become acquainted with the Dowager Countess of
Kilblazes, which her ladyship (because, forsooth, she was the daughter
of the Minister, and Prince of Wales’s great friend, the Earl of
Portansherry) thought fit to reject. I don’t wonder at my Jemmy growing
so angry with her, and determining, in every way, to put her ladyship
down. The Kilblazes’ estate is not so large as the Tuggeridge property
by two thousand a year at least; and so my wife, when our neighbors kept
only two footmen, was quite authorized in having three; and she made it
a point, as soon as ever the Kilblazes’ carriage-and-pair came round, to
have out her own carriage-and-four.

Well, our box was next to theirs at the Opera; only twice as big.
Whatever masters went to Lady Juliana, came to my Jemimarann; and what
do you think Jemmy did? she got her celebrated governess, Madame de
Flicflac, away from the Countess, by offering a double salary. It was
quite a treasure, they said, to have Madame Flicflac: she had been (to
support her father, the Count, when he emigrated) a FRENCH dancer at the
ITALIAN Opera. French dancing, and Italian, therefore, we had at once,
and in the best style: it is astonishing how quick and well she used to
speak--the French especially.

Master Arthur MacTurk was at the famous school of the Reverend Clement
Coddler, along with a hundred and ten other young fashionables, from the
age of three to fifteen; and to this establishment Jemmy sent our Tug,
adding forty guineas to the hundred and twenty paid every year for the
boarders. I think I found out the dear soul’s reason; for, one day,
speaking about the school to a mutual acquaintance of ours and the
Kilblazes, she whispered to him that “she never would have thought of
sending her darling boy at the rate which her next-door neighbors paid;
THEIR lad, she was sure, must be starved: however, poor people, they did
the best they could on their income!”

Coddler’s, in fact, was the tip-top school near London: he had been
tutor to the Duke of Buckminster, who had set him up in the school, and,
as I tell you, all the peerage and respectable commoners came to it. You
read in the bill, (the snopsis, I think, Coddler called it,) after the
account of the charges for board, masters, extras, &c.--“Every young
nobleman (or gentleman) is expected to bring a knife, fork, spoon, and
goblet of silver (to prevent breakage), which will not be returned; a
dressing-gown and slippers; toilet-box, pomatum, curling-irons, &c. &c.
The pupil must on NO ACCOUNT be allowed to have more than ten guineas of
pocket-money, unless his parents particularly desire it, or he be above
fifteen years of age. WINE will be an extra charge; as are warm, vapor,
and douche baths. CARRIAGE EXERCISE will be provided at the rate of
fifteen guineas per quarter. It is EARNESTLY REQUESTED that no young
nobleman (or gentleman) be allowed to smoke. In a place devoted to
THE CULTIVATION OF POLITE LITERATURE, such an ignoble enjoyment were


“Chaplain and late tutor to his Grace the Duke of Buckminster.


To this establishment our Tug was sent. “Recollect, my dear,” said his
mamma, “that you are a Tuggeridge by birth, and that I expect you to
beat all the boys in the school; especially that Wellington MacTurk,
who, though he is a lord’s son, is nothing to you, who are the heir of

Tug was a smart young fellow enough, and could cut and curl as well as
any young chap of his age: he was not a bad hand at a wig either, and
could shave, too, very prettily; but that was in the old time, when we
were not great people: when he came to be a gentleman, he had to learn
Latin and Greek, and had a deal of lost time to make up for, on going to

However, we had no fear; for the Reverend Mr. Coddler used to send
monthly accounts of his pupil’s progress, and if Tug was not a wonder of
the world, I don’t know who was. It was

     General behavior......excellent.
     English...............very good.
     French................tres bien.

And so on:--he possessed all the virtues, and wrote to us every month
for money. My dear Jemmy and I determined to go and see him, after he
had been at school a quarter; we went, and were shown by Mr. Coddler,
one of the meekest, smilingest little men I ever saw, into the bedrooms
and eating-rooms (the dromitaries and refractories he called them),
which were all as comfortable as comfortable might be. “It is a
holiday, today,” said Mr. Coddler; and a holiday it seemed to be. In
the dining-room were half a dozen young gentlemen playing at cards (“All
tip-top nobility,” observed Mr. Coddler);--in the bedrooms there was
only one gent: he was lying on his bed, reading novels and smoking
cigars. “Extraordinary genius!” whispered Coddler. “Honorable Tom
Fitz-Warter, cousin of Lord Byron’s; smokes all day; and has written the
SWEETEST poems you can imagine. Genius, my dear madam, you know--genius
must have its way.” “Well, UPON my word,” says Jemmy, “if that’s genius,
I had rather that Master Tuggeridge Coxe Tuggeridge remained a dull

“Impossible, my dear madam,” said Coddler. “Mr. Tuggeridge Coxe COULDN’T
be stupid if he TRIED.”

Just then up comes Lord Claude Lollypop, third son of the Marquis of
Allycompane. We were introduced instantly: “Lord Claude Lollypop, Mr.
and Mrs. Coxe.” The little lord wagged his head, my wife bowed very
low, and so did Mr. Coddler; who, as he saw my lord making for the
playground, begged him to show us the way.--“Come along,” says my lord;
and as he walked before us, whistling, we had leisure to remark the
beautiful holes in his jacket, and elsewhere.

About twenty young noblemen (and gentlemen) were gathered round a
pastry-cook’s shop at the end of the green. “That’s the grub-shop,” said
my lord, “where we young gentlemen wot has money buys our wittles, and
them young gentlemen wot has none, goes tick.”

Then we passed a poor red-haired usher sitting on a bench alone. “That’s
Mr. Hicks, the Husher, ma’am,” says my lord. “We keep him, for he’s very
useful to throw stones at, and he keeps the chaps’ coats when there’s a
fight, or a game at cricket.--Well, Hicks, how’s your mother? what’s the
row now?” “I believe, my lord,” said the usher, very meekly, “there is a
pugilistic encounter somewhere on the premises--the Honorable Mr. Mac--”

“Oh! COME along,” said Lord Lollypop, “come along: this way, ma’am! Go
it, ye cripples!” And my lord pulled my dear Jemmy’s gown in the kindest
and most familiar way, she trotting on after him, mightily pleased to
be so taken notice of, and I after her. A little boy went running
across the green. “Who is it, Petitoes?” screams my lord. “Turk and the
barber,” pipes Petitoes, and runs to the pastry-cook’s like mad. “Turk
and the ba--,” laughs out my lord, looking at us. “HURRA! THIS way,
ma’am!” And turning round a corner, he opened a door into a court-yard,
where a number of boys were collected, and a great noise of shrill
voices might be heard. “Go it, Turk!” says one. “Go it, barber!” says
another. “PUNCH HITH LIFE OUT!” roars another, whose voice was just
cracked, and his clothes half a yard too short for him!

Fancy our horror when, on the crowd making way, we saw Tug pummelling
away at the Honorable Master MacTurk! My dear Jemmy, who don’t
understand such things, pounced upon the two at once, and, with one hand
tearing away Tug, sent him spinning back into the arms of his seconds,
while, with the other, she clawed hold of Master MacTurk’s red hair,
and, as soon as she got her second hand free, banged it about his face
and ears like a good one.

“You nasty--wicked--quarrelsome--aristocratic” (each word was a
bang)--“aristocratic--oh! oh! oh!”--Here the words stopped; for what
with the agitation, maternal solicitude, and a dreadful kick on the
shins which, I am ashamed to say, Master MacTurk administered, my dear
Jemmy could bear it no longer, and sunk fainting away in my arms.


Although there was a regular cut between the next-door people and us,
yet Tug and the Honorable Master MacTurk kept up their acquaintance
over the back-garden wall, and in the stables, where they were fighting,
making friends, and playing tricks from morning to night, during the
holidays. Indeed, it was from young Mac that we first heard of Madame
de Flicflac, of whom my Jemmy robbed Lady Kilblazes, as I before have
related. When our friend the Baron first saw Madame, a very tender
greeting passed between them; for they had, as it appeared, been old
friends abroad. “Sapristie,” said the Baron, in his lingo, “que fais-tu
ici, Amenaide?” “Et toi, mon pauvre Chicot,” says she, “est-ce qu’on
t’a mis a la retraite? Il parait que tu n’es plus General chez Franco--”
 “CHUT!” says the Baron, putting his finger to his lips.

“What are they saying, my dear?” says my wife to Jemimarann, who had a
pretty knowledge of the language by this time.

“I don’t know what ‘Sapristie’ means, mamma; but the Baron asked Madame
what she was doing here? and Madame said, ‘And you, Chicot, you are no
more a General at Franco.’--Have I not translated rightly, Madame?”

“Oui, mon chou, mon ange. Yase, my angel, my cabbage, quite right.
Figure yourself, I have known my dear Chicot dis twenty years.”

“Chicot is my name of baptism,” says the Baron; “Baron Chicot de Punter
is my name.”

“And being a General at Franco,” says Jemmy, “means, I suppose, being a
French General?”

“Yes, I vas,” said he, “General Baron de Punter--n’est ‘a pas,

“Oh, yes!” said Madame Flicflac, and laughed; and I and Jemmy laughed
out of politeness: and a pretty laughing matter it was, as you shall

About this time my Jemmy became one of the Lady-Patronesses of that
admirable institution, “The Washerwoman’s-Orphans’ Home;” Lady de
Sudley was the great projector of it; and the manager and chaplain, the
excellent and Reverend Sidney Slopper. His salary, as chaplain, and that
of Doctor Leitch, the physician (both cousins of her ladyship’s), drew
away five hundred pounds from the six subscribed to the Charity: and
Lady de Sudley thought a fete at Beulah Spa, with the aid of some of the
foreign princes who were in town last year, might bring a little more
money into its treasury. A tender appeal was accordingly drawn up, and
published in all the papers:--



“The ‘Washerwoman’s-Orphans’ Home’ has now been established seven years:
and the good which it has effected is, it may be confidently stated,
INCALCULABLE. Ninety-eight orphan children of Washerwomen have been
lodged within its walls. One hundred and two British Washerwomen
have been relieved when in the last state of decay. ONE HUNDRED AND
NINETY-EIGHT THOUSAND articles of male and female dress have been
washed, mended, buttoned, ironed, and mangled in the Establishment. And,
by an arrangement with the governors of the Foundling, it is hoped
that THE BABY-LINEN OF THAT HOSPITAL will be confided to the British
Washerwoman’s Home!

“With such prospects before it, is it not sad, is it not lamentable to
think, that the Patronesses of the Society have been compelled to reject
the applications of no less than THREE THOUSAND EIGHT HUNDRED AND ONE
BRITISH WASHERWOMEN, from lack of means for their support? Ladies of
England! Mothers of England! to you we appeal. Is there one of you that
will not respond to the cry in behalf of these deserving members of our

“It has been determined by the Ladies-Patronesses to give a fete at
Beulah Spa, on Thursday, July 25; which will be graced with the first
foreign and native TALENT; by the first foreign and native RANK; and
where they beg for the attendance of every WASHERWOMAN’S FRIEND.”

Her Highness the Princess of Schloppenzollernschwigmaringen, the Duke
of Sacks-Tubbingen, His Excellency Baron Strumpff, His Excellency
Lootf-Allee-Koolee-Bismillah-Mohamed-Rusheed-Allah, the Persian
Ambassador, Prince Futtee-Jaw, Envoy from the King of Oude, His
Excellency Don Alonzo di Cachachero-y-Fandango-y-Castanete, the Spanish
Ambassador, Count Ravioli, from Milan, the Envoy of the Republic of
Topinambo, and a host of other fashionables, promised to honor the
festival: and their names made a famous show in the bills. Besides
these, we had the celebrated band of Moscow-musiks, the seventy-seven
Transylvanian trumpeters, and the famous Bohemian Minnesingers; with
all the leading artists of London, Paris, the Continent, and the rest of

I leave you to fancy what a splendid triumph for the British
Washerwoman’s Home was to come off on that day. A beautiful tent was
erected, in which the Ladies-Patronesses were to meet: it was hung round
with specimens of the skill of the washerwomen’s orphans; ninety-six
of whom were to be feasted in the gardens, and waited on by the

Well, Jemmy and my daughter, Madame de Flicflac, myself, the Count,
Baron Punter, Tug, and Tagrag, all went down in the chariot and
barouche-and-four, quite eclipsing poor Lady Kilblazes and her

There was a fine cold collation, to which the friends of the
Ladies-Patronesses were admitted; after which, my ladies and their beaux
went strolling through the walks; Tagrag and the Count having each an
arm of Jemmy; the Baron giving an arm apiece to Madame and Jemimarann.
Whilst they were walking, whom should they light upon but poor Orlando
Crump, my successor in the perfumery and hair-cutting.

“Orlando!” says Jemimarann, blushing as red as a label, and holding out
her hand.

“Jemimar!” says he, holding out his, and turning as white as pomatum.

“SIR!” says Jemmy, as stately as a duchess.

“What! madam,” says poor Crump, “don’t you remember your shopboy?”

“Dearest mamma, don’t you recollect Orlando?” whimpers Jemimarann, whose
hand he had got hold of.

“Miss Tuggeridge Coxe,” says Jemmy, “I’m surprised of you. Remember,
sir, that our position is altered, and oblige me by no more

“Insolent fellow!” says the Baron, “vat is dis canaille?”

“Canal yourself, Mounseer,” says Orlando, now grown quite furious: he
broke away, quite indignant, and was soon lost in the crowd. Jemimarann,
as soon as he was gone, began to look very pale and ill; and her mamma,
therefore, took her to a tent, where she left her along with Madame
Flicflac and the Baron; going off herself with the other gentlemen, in
order to join us.

It appears they had not been seated very long, when Madame Flicflac
suddenly sprung up, with an exclamation of joy, and rushed forward to a
friend whom she saw pass.

The Baron was left alone with Jemimarann; and, whether it was the
champagne, or that my dear girl looked more than commonly pretty, I
don’t know; but Madame Flicflac had not been gone a minute, when the
Baron dropped on his knees, and made her a regular declaration.

Poor Orlando Crump had found me out by this time, and was standing by
my side, listening, as melancholy as possible, to the famous Bohemian
Minnesingers, who were singing the celebrated words of the poet Gothy:--

             “Ich bin ya hupp lily lee, du bist ya hupp lily lee.
              Wir sind doch hupp lily lee, hupp la lily lee.”
      “Chorus--Yodle-odle-odle-odle-odle-odle hupp! yodle-odle-aw-o-o-o!”

They were standing with their hands in their waistcoats, as usual,
and had just come to the “o-o-o,” at the end of the chorus of the
forty-seventh stanza, when Orlando started: “That’s a scream!” says he.
“Indeed it is,” says I; “and, but for the fashion of the thing, a very
ugly scream too:” when I heard another shrill “Oh!” as I thought; and
Orlando bolted off, crying, “By heavens, it’s HER voice!” “Whose voice?”
 says I. “Come and see the row,” says Tag. And off we went, with a
considerable number of people, who saw this strange move on his part.

We came to the tent, and there we found my poor Jemimarann fainting;
her mamma holding a smelling-bottle; the Baron, on the ground, holding
a handkerchief to his bleeding nose; and Orlando squaring at him, and
calling on him to fight if he dared.

My Jemmy looked at Crump very fierce. “Take that feller away,” says she;
“he has insulted a French nobleman, and deserves transportation, at the

Poor Orlando was carried off. “I’ve no patience with the little minx,”
 says Jemmy, giving Jemimarann a pinch. “She might be a Baron’s lady; and
she screams out because his Excellency did but squeeze her hand.”

“Oh, mamma! mamma!” sobs poor Jemimarann, “but he was t-t-tipsy.”

“T-t-tipsy! and the more shame for you, you hussy, to be offended with a
nobleman who does not know what he is doing.”


“I say, Tug,” said MacTurk, one day soon after our flareup at Beulah,
“Kilblazes comes of age in October, and then we’ll cut you out, as I
told you: the old barberess will die of spite when she hears what we
are going to do. What do you think? we’re going to have a tournament!”
 “What’s a tournament?” says Tug, and so said his mamma when she heard
the news; and when she knew what a tournament was, I think, really, she
WAS as angry as MacTurk said she would be, and gave us no peace for days
together. “What!” says she, “dress up in armor, like play-actors, and
run at each other with spears? The Kilblazes must be mad!” And so I
thought, but I didn’t think the Tuggeridges would be mad too, as they
were: for, when Jemmy heard that the Kilblazes’ festival was to be, as
yet, a profound secret, what does she do, but send down to the Morning
Post a flaming account of


“The days of chivalry are NOT past. The fair Castellane of
T-gg-r-dgeville, whose splendid entertainments have so often been
alluded to in this paper, has determined to give one, which shall exceed
in splendor even the magnificence of the Middle Ages. We are not at
liberty to say more; but a tournament, at which His Ex-l-ncy B-r-n de
P-nt-r and Thomas T-gr-g, Esq., eldest son of Sir Th--s T-gr-g, are
to be the knights-defendants against all comers; a QUEEN OF BEAUTY,
of whose loveliness every frequenter of fashion has felt the power; a
banquet, unexampled in the annals of Gunter; and a ball, in which the
recollections of ancient chivalry will blend sweetly with the soft tones
of Weippert and Collinet, are among the entertainments which the Ladye
of T-gg-ridgeville has prepared for her distinguished guests.”

The Baron was the life of the scheme; he longed to be on horseback, and
in the field at Tuggeridgeville, where he, Tagrag, and a number of our
friends practised: he was the very best tilter present; he vaulted over
his horse, and played such wonderful antics, as never were done except
at Ducrow’s.

And now--oh that I had twenty pages, instead of this short chapter, to
describe the wonders of the day!--Twenty-four knights came from Ashley’s
at two guineas a head. We were in hopes to have had Miss Woolford in the
character of Joan of Arc, but that lady did not appear. We had a
tent for the challengers, at each side of which hung what they called
ESCOACHINGS, (like hatchments, which they put up when people die,) and
underneath sat their pages, holding their helmets for the tournament.
Tagrag was in brass armor (my City connections got him that famous
suit); his Excellency in polished steel. My wife wore a coronet,
modelled exactly after that of Queen Catharine, in “Henry V.;” a tight
gilt jacket, which set off dear Jemmy’s figure wonderfully, and a train
of at least forty feet. Dear Jemimarann was in white, her hair braided
with pearls. Madame de Flicflac appeared as Queen Elizabeth; and Lady
Blanche Bluenose as a Turkish princess. An alderman of London and his
lady; two magistrates of the county, and the very pink of Croydon;
several Polish noblemen; two Italian counts (besides our Count);
one hundred and ten young officers, from Addiscombe College, in full
uniform, commanded by Major-General Sir Miles Mulligatawney, K.C.B.,
and his lady; the Misses Pimminy’s Finishing Establishment, and fourteen
young ladies, all in white: the Reverend Doctor Wapshot, and forty-nine
young gentlemen, of the first families, under his charge--were SOME
only of the company. I leave you to fancy that, if my Jemmy did seek for
fashion, she had enough of it on this occasion. They wanted me to have
mounted again, but my hunting-day had been sufficient; besides, I ain’t
big enough for a real knight: so, as Mrs. Coxe insisted on my opening
the Tournament--and I knew it was in vain to resist--the Baron and
Tagrag had undertaken to arrange so that I might come off with safety,
if I came off at all. They had procured from the Strand Theatre a famous
stud of hobby-horses, which they told me had been trained for the use of
the great Lord Bateman. I did not know exactly what they were till they
arrived; but as they had belonged to a lord, I thought it was all right,
and consented; and I found it the best sort of riding, after all, to
appear to be on horseback and walk safely a-foot at the same time;
and it was impossible to come down as long as I kept on my own legs:
besides, I could cuff and pull my steed about as much as I liked,
without fear of his biting or kicking in return. As Lord of the
Tournament, they placed in my hands a lance, ornamented spirally, in
blue and gold: I thought of the pole over my old shop door, and almost
wished myself there again, as I capered up to the battle in my helmet
and breastplate, with all the trumpets blowing and drums beating at
the time. Captain Tagrag was my opponent, and preciously we poked each
other, till, prancing about, I put my foot on my horse’s petticoat
behind, and down I came, getting a thrust from the Captain, at the same
time, that almost broke my shoulder-bone. “This was sufficient,” they
said, “for the laws of chivalry;” and I was glad to get off so.

After that the gentlemen riders, of whom there were no less than seven,
in complete armor, and the professionals, now ran at the ring; and the
Baron was far, far the most skilful.

“How sweetly the dear Baron rides,” said my wife, who was always ogling
at him, smirking, smiling, and waving her handkerchief to him. “I say,
Sam,” says a professional to one of his friends, as, after their course,
they came cantering up, and ranged under Jemmy’s bower, as she called
it:--“I say, Sam, I’m blowed if that chap in harmer mustn’t have been
one of hus.” And this only made Jemmy the more pleased; for the fact is,
the Baron had chosen the best way of winning Jemimarann by courting her

The Baron was declared conqueror at the ring; and Jemmy awarded him
the prize, a wreath of white roses, which she placed on his lance; he
receiving it gracefully, and bowing, until the plumes of his helmet
mingled with the mane of his charger, which backed to the other end of
the lists; then galloping back to the place where Jemimarann was seated,
he begged her to place it on his helmet. The poor girl blushed very
much, and did so. As all the people were applauding, Tagrag rushed up,
and, laying his hand on the Baron’s shoulder, whispered something in his
ear, which made the other very angry, I suppose, for he shook him off
violently. “Chacun pour soi,” says he, “Monsieur de Taguerague,”--which
means, I am told, “Every man for himself.” And then he rode away,
throwing his lance in the air, catching it, and making his horse caper
and prance, to the admiration of all beholders.

After this came the “Passage of Arms.” Tagrag and the Baron ran courses
against the other champions; ay, and unhorsed two apiece; whereupon the
other three refused to turn out; and preciously we laughed at them, to
be sure!

“Now, it’s OUR turn, Mr. CHICOT,” says Tagrag, shaking his fist at the
Baron: “look to yourself, you infernal mountebank, for, by Jupiter,
I’ll do my best!” And before Jemmy and the rest of us, who were quite
bewildered, could say a word, these two friends were charging away,
spears in hand, ready to kill each other. In vain Jemmy screamed; in
vain I threw down my truncheon: they had broken two poles before I could
say “Jack Robinson,” and were driving at each other with the two new
ones. The Baron had the worst of the first course, for he had almost
been carried out of his saddle. “Hark you, Chicot!” screamed out Tagrag,
“next time look to your head!” And next time, sure enough, each aimed at
the head of the other.

Tagrag’s spear hit the right place; for it carried off the Baron’s
helmet, plume, rose-wreath and all; but his Excellency hit truer
still--his lance took Tagrag on the neck, and sent him to the ground
like a stone.

“He’s won! he’s won!” says Jemmy, waving her handkerchief; Jemimarann
fainted, Lady Blanche screamed, and I felt so sick that I thought I
should drop. All the company were in an uproar: only the Baron looked
calm, and bowed very gracefully, and kissed his hand to Jemmy; when,
all of a sudden, a Jewish-looking man springing over the barrier, and
followed by three more, rushed towards the Baron. “Keep the gate, Bob!”
 he holloas out. “Baron, I arrest you, at the suit of Samuel Levison,

But he never said for what; shouting out, “Aha!” and “Sapprrrristie!”
 and I don’t know what, his Excellency drew his sword, dug his spurs into
his horse, and was over the poor bailiff, and off before another word.
He had threatened to run through one of the bailiff’s followers, Mr.
Stubbs, only that gentleman made way for him; and when we took up the
bailiff, and brought him round by the aid of a little brandy-and-water,
he told us all. “I had a writ againsht him, Mishter Coxsh, but I didn’t
vant to shpoil shport; and, beshidesh, I didn’t know him until dey
knocked off his shteel cap!”


Here was a pretty business!


We had no great reason to brag of our tournament at Tuggeridgeville:
but, after all, it was better than the turn-out at Kilblazes, where poor
Lord Heydownderry went about in a black velvet dressing-gown, and
the Emperor Napoleon Bonypart appeared in a suit of armor and silk
stockings, like Mr. Pell’s friend in Pickwick; we, having employed
the gentlemen from Astley’s Antitheatre, had some decent sport for our

We never heard a word from the Baron, who had so distinguished himself
by his horsemanship, and had knocked down (and very justly) Mr. Nabb,
the bailiff, and Mr. Stubbs, his man, who came to lay hands upon him. My
sweet Jemmy seemed to be very low in spirits after his departure, and
a sad thing it is to see her in low spirits: on days of illness she no
more minds giving Jemimarann a box on the ear, or sending a plate of
muffins across a table at poor me, than she does taking her tea.

Jemmy, I say, was very low in spirits; but, one day (I remember it was
the day after Captain Higgins called, and said he had seen the Baron at
Boulogne), she vowed that nothing but change of air would do her good,
and declared that she should die unless she went to the seaside in
France. I knew what this meant, and that I might as well attempt to
resist her as to resist her Gracious Majesty in Parliament assembled; so
I told the people to pack up the things, and took four places on board
the “Grand Turk” steamer for Boulogne.

The travelling-carriage, which, with Jemmy’s thirty-seven boxes and my
carpet-bag, was pretty well loaded, was sent on board the night before;
and we, after breakfasting in Portland Place (little did I think it was
the--but, poh! never mind), went down to the Custom House in the other
carriage, followed by a hackney-coach and a cab, with the servants, and
fourteen bandboxes and trunks more, which were to be wanted by my dear
girl in the journey.

The road down Cheapside and Thames Street need not be described: we
saw the Monument, a memento of the wicked Popish massacre of St.
Bartholomew;--why erected here I can’t think, as St. Bartholomew is in
Smithfield;--we had a glimpse of Billingsgate, and of the Mansion House,
where we saw the two-and-twenty-shilling-coal smoke coming out of
the chimneys, and were landed at the Custom House in safety. I felt
melancholy, for we were going among a people of swindlers, as all
Frenchmen are thought to be; and, besides not being able to speak the
language, leaving our own dear country and honest countrymen.

Fourteen porters came out, and each took a package with the greatest
civility; calling Jemmy her ladyship, and me your honor; ay, and your
honoring and my ladyshipping even my man and the maid in the cab. I
somehow felt all over quite melancholy at going away. “Here, my fine
fellow,” says I to the coachman, who was standing very respectful,
holding his hat in one hand and Jemmy’s jewel-case in the other--“Here,
my fine chap,” says I, “here’s six shillings for you;” for I did not
care for the money.

“Six what?” says he.

“Six shillings, fellow,” shrieks Jemmy, “and twice as much as your

“Feller, marm!” says this insolent coachman. “Feller yourself, marm: do
you think I’m a-going to kill my horses, and break my precious back, and
bust my carriage, and carry you, and your kids, and your traps for six
hog?” And with this the monster dropped his hat, with my money in it,
and doubling his fist put it so very near my nose that I really thought
he would have made it bleed. “My fare’s heighteen shillings,” says he,
“hain’t it?--hask hany of these gentlemen.”

“Why, it ain’t more than seventeen-and-six,” says one of the fourteen
porters; “but if the gen’l’man IS a gen’l’man, he can’t give no less
than a suffering anyhow.”

I wanted to resist, and Jemmy screamed like a Turk; but, “Holloa!” says
one. “What’s the row?” says another. “Come, dub up!” roars a third. And
I don’t mind telling you, in confidence, that I was so frightened that
I took out the sovereign and gave it. My man and Jemmy’s maid had
disappeared by this time: they always do when there’s a robbery or a row
going on.

I was going after them. “Stop, Mr. Ferguson,” pipes a young gentleman of
about thirteen, with a red livery waistcoat that reached to his ankles,
and every variety of button, pin, string, to keep it together. “Stop,
Mr. Heff,” says he, taking a small pipe out of his mouth, “and don’t
forgit the cabman.”

“What’s your fare, my lad?” says I.

“Why, let’s see--yes--ho!--my fare’s seven-and-thirty and eightpence

The fourteen gentlemen holding the luggage, here burst out and laughed
very rudely indeed; and the only person who seemed disappointed was,
I thought, the hackney-coachman. “Why, YOU rascal!” says Jemmy, laying
hold of the boy, “do you want more than the coachman?”

“Don’t rascal ME, marm!” shrieks the little chap in return. “What’s the
coach to me? Vy, you may go in an omlibus for sixpence if you like; vy
don’t you go and buss it, marm? Vy did you call my cab, marm? Vy am I to
come forty mile, from Scarlot Street, Po’tl’nd Street, Po’tl’nd Place,
and not git my fare, marm? Come, give me a suffering and a half, and
don’t keep my hoss avaiting all day.” This speech, which takes some time
to write down, was made in about the fifth part of a second; and, at
the end of it, the young gentleman hurled down his pipe, and, advancing
towards Jemmy, doubled his fist, and seemed to challenge her to fight.

My dearest girl now turned from red to be as pale as white Windsor,
and fell into my arms. What was I to do? I called “Policeman!” but a
policeman won’t interfere in Thames Street; robbery is licensed there.
What was I to do? Oh! my heart beats with paternal gratitude when I
think of what my Tug did!

As soon as this young cab-chap put himself into a fighting attitude,
Master Tuggeridge Coxe--who had been standing by laughing very rudely,
I thought--Master Tuggeridge Coxe, I say, flung his jacket suddenly into
his mamma’s face (the brass buttons made her start and recovered her
a little), and, before we could say a word was in the ring in which we
stood (formed by the porters, nine orangemen and women, I don’t know
how many newspaper-boys, hotel-cads, and old-clothesmen), and, whirling
about two little white fists in the face of the gentleman in the red
waistcoat, who brought up a great pair of black ones to bear on the
enemy, was engaged in an instant.

But la bless you! Tug hadn’t been at Richmond School for nothing; and
MILLED away one, two, right and left--like a little hero as he is, with
all his dear mother’s spirit in him. First came a crack which sent a
long dusky white hat--that looked damp and deep like a well, and had
a long black crape-rag twisted round it--first came a crack which sent
this white hat spinning over the gentleman’s cab and scattered among the
crowd a vast number of things which the cabman kept in it,--such as
a ball of string, a piece of candle, a comb, a whip-lash, a little
warbler, a slice of bacon, &c. &c.

The cabman seemed sadly ashamed of this display, but Tug gave him no
time: another blow was planted on his cheekbone; and a third, which hit
him straight on the nose, sent this rude cabman straight down to the

“Brayvo, my lord!” shouted all the people around.

“I won’t have no more, thank yer,” said the little cabman, gathering
himself up. “Give us over my fare, vil yer, and let me git away?”

“What’s your fare, NOW, you cowardly little thief?” says Tug.

“Vy, then, two-and-eightpence,” says he. “Go along,--you KNOW it is!”
 and two-and-eightpence he had; and everybody applauded Tug, and
hissed the cab-boy, and asked Tug for something to drink. We heard the
packet-bell ringing, and all run down the stairs to be in time.

I now thought our troubles would soon be over; mine were, very nearly
so, in one sense at least: for after Mrs. Coxe and Jemimarann, and Tug,
and the maid, and valet, and valuables had been handed across, it came
to my turn. I had often heard of people being taken up by a PLANK, but
seldom of their being set down by one. Just as I was going over, the
vessel rode off a little, the board slipped, and down I soused into the
water. You might have heard Mrs. Coxe’s shriek as far as Gravesend; it
rung in my ears as I went down, all grieved at the thought of leaving
her a disconsolate widder. Well, up I came again, and caught the brim of
my beaver-hat--though I have heard that drowning men catch at straws:--I
floated, and hoped to escape by hook or by crook; and, luckily, just
then, I felt myself suddenly jerked by the waistband of my whites, and
found myself hauled up in the air at the end of a boat-hook, to the
sound of “Yeho! yeho! yehoi! yehoi!” and so I was dragged aboard. I
was put to bed, and had swallowed so much water that it took a very
considerable quantity of brandy to bring it to a proper mixture in my
inside. In fact, for some hours I was in a very deplorable state.


Well, we arrived at Boulogne; and Jemmy, after making inquiries, right
and left, about the Baron, found that no such person was known there;
and being bent, I suppose, at all events, on marrying her daughter to a
lord, she determined to set off for Paris, where, as he had often said,
he possessed a magnificent ---- hotel he called it;--and I remember
Jemmy being mightily indignant at the idea; but hotel, we found
afterwards, means only a house in French, and this reconciled her. Need
I describe the road from Boulogne to Paris? or need I describe that
Capitol itself? Suffice it to say, that we made our appearance there,
at “Murisse’s Hotel,” as became the family of Coxe Tuggeridge; and saw
everything worth seeing in the metropolis in a week. It nearly killed
me, to be sure; but, when you’re on a pleasure-party in a foreign
country, you must not mind a little inconvenience of this sort.

Well, there is, near the city of Paris, a splendid road and row of
trees, which--I don’t know why--is called the Shandeleezy, or Elysian
Fields, in French: others, I have heard, call it the Shandeleery; but
mine I know to be the correct pronunciation. In the middle of this
Shandeleezy is an open space of ground, and a tent where, during the
summer, Mr. Franconi, the French Ashley, performs with his horses and
things. As everybody went there, and we were told it was quite the
thing, Jemmy agreed that we should go too; and go we did.

It’s just like Ashley’s: there’s a man just like Mr. Piddicombe, who
goes round the ring in a huzzah-dress, cracking a whip; there are a
dozen Miss Woolfords, who appear like Polish princesses, Dihannas,
Sultannas, Cachuchas, and heaven knows what! There’s the fat man, who
comes in with the twenty-three dresses on, and turns out to be the
living skeleton! There’s the clowns, the sawdust, the white horse that
dances a hornpipe, the candles stuck in hoops, just as in our own dear

My dear wife, in her very finest clothes, with all the world looking
at her, was really enjoying this spectacle (which doesn’t require any
knowledge of the language, seeing that the dumb animals don’t talk it),
when there came in, presently, “the great Polish act of the Sarmatian
horse-tamer, on eight steeds,” which we were all of us longing to see.
The horse-tamer, to music twenty miles an hour, rushed in on four of
his horses, leading the other four, and skurried round the ring. You
couldn’t see him for the sawdust, but everybody was delighted, and
applauded like mad. Presently, you saw there were only three horses in
front: he had slipped one more between his legs, another followed, and
it was clear that the consequences would be fatal, if he admitted any
more. The people applauded more than ever; and when, at last, seven and
eight were made to go in, not wholly, but sliding dexterously in and
out, with the others, so that you did not know which was which, the
house, I thought, would come down with applause; and the Sarmatian
horse-tamer bowed his great feathers to the ground. At last the
music grew slower, and he cantered leisurely round the ring; bending,
smirking, seesawing, waving his whip, and laying his hand on his heart,
just as we have seen the Ashley’s people do. But fancy our astonishment
when, suddenly, this Sarmatian horse-tamer, coming round with his four
pair at a canter, and being opposite our box, gave a start, and a--hupp!
which made all his horses stop stock-still at an instant.

“Albert!” screamed my dear Jemmy: “Albert! Bahbahbah--baron!” The
Sarmatian looked at her for a minute; and turning head over heels, three
times, bolted suddenly off his horses, and away out of our sight.


Jemmy went off in a fit as usual, and we never saw the Baron again; but
we heard, afterwards, that Punter was an apprentice of Franconi’s, and
had run away to England, thinking to better himself, and had joined Mr.
Richardson’s army; but Mr. Richardson, and then London, did not agree
with him; and we saw the last of him as he sprung over the barriers at
the Tuggeridgeville tournament.

“Well, Jemimarann,” says Jemmy, in a fury, “you shall marry Tagrag;
and if I can’t have a baroness for a daughter, at least you shall be a
baronet’s lady.” Poor Jemimarann only sighed: she knew it was of no use
to remonstrate.

Paris grew dull to us after this, and we were more eager than ever to
go back to London: for what should we hear, but that that monster,
Tuggeridge, of the City--old Tug’s black son, forsooth!--was going to
contest Jemmy’s claim to the property, and had filed I don’t know how
many bills against us in Chancery! Hearing this, we set off immediately,
and we arrived at Boulogne, and set off in that very same “Grand Turk”
 which had brought us to France.

If you look in the bills, you will see that the steamers leave London on
Saturday morning, and Boulogne on Saturday night; so that there is often
not an hour between the time of arrival and departure. Bless us! bless
us! I pity the poor Captain that, for twenty-four hours at a time, is on
a paddle-box, roaring out, “Ease her! Stop her!” and the poor servants,
who are laying out breakfast, lunch, dinner, tea, supper;--breakfast,
lunch, dinner, tea, supper again;--for layers upon layers of travellers,
as it were; and most of all, I pity that unhappy steward, with those
unfortunate tin-basins that he must always keep an eye over. Little did
we know what a storm was brooding in our absence; and little were we
prepared for the awful, awful fate that hung over our Tuggeridgeville

Biggs, of the great house of Higgs, Biggs, and Blatherwick, was our man
of business: when I arrived in London I heard that he had just set off
to Paris after me. So we started down to Tuggeridgeville instead of
going to Portland Place. As we came through the lodge-gates, we found
a crowd assembled within them; and there was that horrid Tuggeridige on
horseback, with a shabby-looking man, called Mr. Scapgoat, and his man
of business, and many more. “Mr. Scapgoat,” says Tuggeridge, grinning,
and handing him over a sealed paper, “here’s the lease; I leave you in
possession, and wish you good morning.”

“In possession of what?” says the rightful lady of Tuggeridgeville,
leaning out of the carriage-window. She hated black Tuggeridge, as she
called him, like poison: the very first week of our coming to Portland
Place, when he called to ask restitution of some plate which he said was
his private property, she called him a base-born blackamoor, and told
him to quit the house. Since then there had been law squabbles between
us without end, and all sorts of writings, meetings, and arbitrations.

“Possession of my estate of Tuggeridgeville, madam,” roars he, “left me
by my father’s will, which you have had notice of these three weeks, and
know as well as I do.”

“Old Tug left no will,” shrieked Jemmy; “he didn’t die to leave his
estates to blackamoors--to negroes--to base-born mulatto story-tellers;
if he did may I be -----”

“Oh, hush! dearest mamma,” says Jemimarann. “Go it again, mother!” says
Tug, who is always sniggering.

“What is this business, Mr. Tuggeridge?” cried Tagrag (who was the only
one of our party that had his senses). “What is this will?”

“Oh, it’s merely a matter of form,” said the lawyer, riding up. “For
heaven’s sake, madam, be peaceable; let my friends, Higgs, Biggs, and
Blatherwick, arrange with me. I am surprised that none of their people
are here. All that you have to do is to eject us; and the rest will
follow, of course.”

“Who has taken possession of this here property?” roars Jemmy, again.

“My friend Mr. Scapgoat,” said the lawyer.--Mr. Scapgoat grinned.

“Mr. Scapgoat,” said my wife, shaking her fist at him (for she is a
woman of no small spirit), “if you don’t leave this ground I’ll have
you pushed out with pitchforks, I will--you and your beggarly blackamoor
yonder.” And, suiting the action to the word, she clapped a stable fork
into the hands of one of the gardeners, and called another, armed with
a rake, to his help, while young Tug set the dog at their heels, and I
hurrahed for joy to see such villany so properly treated.

“That’s sufficient, ain’t it?” said Mr. Scapgoat, with the calmest air
in the world. “Oh, completely,” said the lawyer. “Mr. Tuggeridge, we’ve
ten miles to dinner. Madam, your very humble servant.” And the whole
posse of them rode away.


We knew not what this meant, until we received a strange document from
Higgs, in London--which begun, “Middlesex to wit. Samuel Cox, late of
Portland Place, in the city of Westminster, in the said county, was
attached to answer Samuel Scapgoat, of a plea, wherefore, with force and
arms, he entered into one messuage, with the appurtenances, which John
Tuggeridge, Esq., demised to the said Samuel Scapgoat, for a term which
is not yet expired, and ejected him.” And it went on to say that “we,
with force of arms, viz, with swords, knives, and staves, had ejected
him.” Was there ever such a monstrous falsehood? when we did but stand
in defence of our own; and isn’t it a sin that we should have been
turned out of our rightful possessions upon such a rascally plea?

Higgs, Biggs, and Blatherwick had evidently been bribed; for would you
believe it?--they told us to give up possession at once, as a will
was found, and we could not defend the action. My Jemmy refused
their proposal with scorn, and laughed at the notion of the will: she
pronounced it to be a forgery, a vile blackamoor forgery; and believes,
to this day, that the story of its having been made thirty years ago,
in Calcutta, and left there with old Tug’s papers, and found there, and
brought to England, after a search made by order of Tuggeridge junior,
is a scandalous falsehood.

Well, the cause was tried. Why need I say anything concerning it? What
shall I say of the Lord Chief Justice, but that he ought to be ashamed
of the wig he sits in? What of Mr. ---- and Mr. ----, who exerted their
eloquence against justice and the poor? On our side, too, was no less
a man than Mr. Serjeant Binks, who, ashamed I am, for the honor of the
British bar, to say it, seemed to have been bribed too: for he actually
threw up his case! Had he behaved like Mr. Mulligan, his junior--and to
whom, in this humble way, I offer my thanks--all might have been well. I
never knew such an effect produced, as when Mr. Mulligan, appearing for
the first time in that court, said, “Standing here upon the pidestal of
secred Thamis; seeing around me the arnymints of a profission I rispict;
having before me a vinnerable judge, and an enlightened jury--the
counthry’s glory, the netion’s cheap defender, the poor man’s priceless
palladium: how must I thrimble, my lard, how must the blush bejew
my cheek--” (somebody cried out, “O CHEEKS!” In the court there was a
dreadful roar of laughing; and when order was established, Mr.
Mulligan continued:)--“My lard, I heed them not; I come from a counthry
accustomed to opprission, and as that counthry--yes, my lard, THAT
IRELAND--(do not laugh, I am proud of it)--is ever, in spite of her
tyrants, green, and lovely, and beautiful: my client’s cause, likewise,
will rise shuperior to the malignant imbecility--I repeat, the MALIGNANT
IMBECILITY--of those who would thrample it down; and in whose teeth,
in my client’s name, in my counthry’s--ay, and MY OWN--I, with folded
arrums, hurl a scarnful and eternal defiance!”

“For heaven’s sake, Mr. Milligan”--(“MULLIGAN, ME LARD,” cried my
defender)--“Well, Mulligan, then, be calm, and keep to your brief.”

Mr. Mulligan did; and for three hours and a quarter, in a speech crammed
with Latin quotations, and unsurpassed for eloquence, he explained the
situation of me and my family; the romantic manner in which Tuggeridge
the elder gained his fortune, and by which it afterwards came to my
wife; the state of Ireland; the original and virtuous poverty of the
Coxes--from which he glanced passionately, for a few minutes (until the
judge stopped him), to the poverty of his own country; my excellence as
a husband, father, landlord; my wife’s, as a wife, mother, landlady. All
was in vain--the trial went against us. I was soon taken in execution
for the damages; five hundred pounds of law expenses of my own, and as
much more of Tuggeridge’s. He would not pay a farthing, he said, to get
me out of a much worse place than the Fleet. I need not tell you that
along with the land went the house in town, and the money in the funds.
Tuggeridge, he who had thousands before, had it all. And when I was in
prison, who do you think would come and see me? None of the Barons, nor
Counts, nor Foreign Ambassadors, nor Excellencies, who used to fill
our house, and eat and drink at our expense,--not even the ungrateful

I could not help now saying to my dear wife, “See, my love, we have been
gentlefolks for exactly a year, and a pretty life we have had of it.
In the first place, my darling, we gave grand dinners, and everybody
laughed at us.”

“Yes, and recollect how ill they made you,” cries my daughter.

“We asked great company, and they insulted us.”

“And spoilt mamma’s temper,” said Jemimarann.

“Hush! Miss,” said her mother; “we don’t want YOUR advice.”

“Then you must make a country gentleman of me.”

“And send Pa into dunghills,” roared Tug.

“Then you must go to operas, and pick up foreign Barons and Counts.”

“Oh, thank heaven, dearest papa, that we are rid of them,” cries my
little Jemimarann, looking almost happy, and kissing her old pappy.

“And you must make a fine gentleman of Tug there, and send him to a fine

“And I give you my word,” says Tug, “I’m as ignorant a chap as ever

“You’re an insolent saucebox,” says Jemmy; “you’ve learned that at your
fine school.”

“I’ve learned something else, too, ma’am; ask the boys if I haven’t,”
 grumbles Tug.

“You hawk your daughter about, and just escape marrying her to a

“And drive off poor Orlando,” whimpered my girl.

“Silence! Miss,” says Jemmy, fiercely.

“You insult the man whose father’s property you inherited, and bring me
into this prison, without hope of leaving it: for he never can help us
after all your bad language.” I said all this very smartly; for the fact
is, my blood was up at the time, and I determined to rate my dear girl

“Oh! Sammy,” said she, sobbing (for the poor thing’s spirit was quite
broken), “it’s all true; I’ve been very, very foolish and vain, and I’ve
punished my dear husband and children by my follies, and I do so,
so repent them!” Here Jemimarann at once burst out crying, and flung
herself into her mamma’s arms, and the pair roared and sobbed for ten
minutes together. Even Tug looked queer: and as for me, it’s a most
extraordinary thing, but I’m blest if seeing them so miserable didn’t
make me quite happy.--I don’t think, for the whole twelve months of
our good fortune, I had ever felt so gay as in that dismal room in the
Fleet, where I was locked up.

Poor Orlando Crump came to see us every day; and we, who had never
taken the slightest notice of him in Portland Place, and treated him so
cruelly that day at Beulah Spa, were only too glad of his company now.
He used to bring books for my girl, and a bottle of sherry for me; and
he used to take home Jemmy’s fronts and dress them for her; and when
locking-up time came, he used to see the ladies home to their little
three-pair bedroom in Holborn, where they slept now, Tug and all. “Can
the bird forget its nest?” Orlando used to say (he was a romantic
young fellow, that’s the truth, and blew the flute and read Lord Byron
incessantly, since he was separated from Jemimarann). “Can the bird, let
loose in eastern climes, forget its home? Can the rose cease to remember
its beloved bulbul?--Ah, no! Mr. Cox, you made me what I am, and what I
hope to die--a hairdresser. I never see a curling-irons before I entered
your shop, or knew Naples from brown Windsor. Did you not make over your
house, your furniture, your emporium of perfumery, and nine-and-twenty
shaving customers, to me? Are these trifles? Is Jemimarann a trifle? if
she would allow me to call her so. Oh, Jemimarann, your Pa found me
in the workhouse, and made me what I am. Conduct me to my grave, and I
never, never shall be different!” When he had said this, Orlando was so
much affected, that he rushed suddenly on his hat and quitted the room.

Then Jemimarann began to cry too. “Oh, Pa!” said she, “isn’t he--isn’t
he a nice young man?”

“I’m HANGED if he ain’t,” says Tug. “What do you think of his giving me
eighteenpence yesterday, and a bottle of lavender-water for Mimarann?”

“He might as well offer to give you back the shop at any rate,” says

“What! to pay Tuggeridge’s damages? My dear, I’d sooner die than give
Tuggeridge the chance.”


Tuggeridge vowed that I should finish my days there, when he put me in
prison. It appears that we both had reason to be ashamed of ourselves;
and were, thank God! I learned to be sorry for my bad feelings toward
him, and he actually wrote to me to say--

“SIR,--I think you have suffered enough for faults which, I believe, do
not lie with you, so much as your wife; and I have withdrawn my claims
which I had against you while you were in wrongful possession of my
father’s estates. You must remember that when, on examination of my
father’s papers, no will was found, I yielded up his property, with
perfect willingness, to those who I fancied were his legitimate heirs.
For this I received all sorts of insults from your wife and yourself
(who acquiesced in them); and when the discovery of a will, in India,
proved MY just claims, you must remember how they were met, and the
vexatious proceedings with which you sought to oppose them.

“I have discharged your lawyer’s bill; and, as I believe you are more
fitted for the trade you formerly exercised than for any other, I will
give five hundred pounds for the purchase of a stock and shop, when you
shall find one to suit you.

“I enclose a draft for twenty pounds to meet your present expenses. You
have, I am told, a son, a boy of some spirit: if he likes to try
his fortune abroad, and go on board an Indiaman, I can get him an
appointment; and am, Sir, your obedient servant,


It was Mrs. Breadbasket, the housekeeper, who brought this letter, and
looked mighty contemptuous as she gave it.

“I hope, Breadbasket, that your master will send me my things at any
rate,” cries Jemmy. “There’s seventeen silk and satin dresses, and a
whole heap of trinkets, that can be of no earthly use to him.”

“Don’t Breadbasket me, mem, if you please, mem. My master says that them
things is quite obnoxious to your sphere of life. Breadbasket, indeed!”
 And so she sailed out.

Jemmy hadn’t a word; she had grown mighty quiet since we have been in
misfortune: but my daughter looked as happy as a queen; and Tug, when
he heard of the ship, gave a jump that nearly knocked down poor Orlando.
“Ah, I suppose you’ll forget me now?” says he with a sigh; and seemed
the only unhappy person in company.

“Why, you conceive, Mr. Crump,” says my wife, with a great deal of
dignity, “that, connected as we are, a young man born in a work--”

“Woman!” cried I (for once in my life determined to have my own way),
“hold your foolish tongue. Your absurd pride has been the ruin of us
hitherto; and, from this day, I’ll have no more of it. Hark ye, Orlando,
if you will take Jemimarann, you may have her; and if you’ll take five
hundred pounds for a half-share of the shop, they’re yours; and THAT’S
for you, Mrs. Cox.”

And here we are, back again. And I write this from the old back shop,
where we are all waiting to see the new year in. Orlando sits yonder,
plaiting a wig for my Lord Chief Justice, as happy as may be; and
Jemimarann and her mother have been as busy as you can imagine all
day long, and are just now giving the finishing touches to the
bridal-dresses: for the wedding is to take place the day after
to-morrow. I’ve cut seventeen heads off (as I say) this very day; and as
for Jemmy, I no more mind her than I do the Emperor of China and all
his Tambarins. Last night we had a merry meeting of our friends and
neighbors, to celebrate our reappearance among them; and very merry we
all were. We had a capital fiddler, and we kept it up till a pretty tidy
hour this morning. We begun with quadrills, but I never could do ‘em
well; and after that, to please Mr. Crump and his intended, we tried a
gallopard, which I found anything but easy: for since I am come back to
a life of peace and comfort, it’s astonishing how stout I’m getting. So
we turned at once to what Jemmy and me excels in--a country dance; which
is rather surprising, as we was both brought up to a town life. As for
young Tug, he showed off in a sailor’s hornpipe: which Mrs. Cox says is
very proper for him to learn, now he is intended for the sea. But stop!
here comes in the punchbowls; and if we are not happy, who is? I say I
am like the Swish people, for I can’t flourish out of my native HAIR.

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