Title: Answering the Phone - A Farce
Author: Guptill, Elizabeth F.
Language: English
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Answering the Phone



    New York    TULLAR-MEREDITH CO.    Chicago


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Answering the Phone

    A Farce



    By

    ELIZABETH F. GUPTILL



    _Price 10 Cents_



    _All Rights Reserved, Amateur Performance Permitted_


    [Illustration]

    _Tullar-Meredith Co._

    265 West 36th Street, New York 14 W. Washington Street, Chicago

    _Copyright 1914 by Tullar-Meredith Co
    International Copyright Secured_



Answering the Phone


Characters

Mrs. Courtney; Miss Eleanora Courtney, her daughter; Nora Flanagan, the
new hired girl.



SCENE I.

The living room of the Courtney home. Mrs. Courtney dressed ready
for the street. She gives finishing touches to her toilet before the
mirror, then steps to side door.


_Mrs. C._ If any one calls while I am gone, Nora, say I am out. Make
hot biscuits for tea, and open a jar of strawberries. Be sure to answer
the phone. The last girl I had didn’t know what a telephone was, and
ignored it all the afternoon. It made me a lot of trouble, and I had to
let her go. I will leave the door open so you can hear it.

_Nora._ (Without.) I’ll answer it, mem, to be sure.

_Mrs. C._ Very well. I’ll be back before tea time, but don’t tell any
caller so. Just say I’m out. If they ask when I’ll return, you don’t
know.

_Nora._ Faith an’ I do, thin—befoor tay time.

_Mrs. C._ I mean you must tell them you don’t know. Remember, now, and
be sure to answer the phone.

(Exit Mrs. C. by other side door. In a minute, Nora appears from
kitchen, looks toward that door.)

_Nora._ Sure an’ she didn’t lave the outside dure opin, so it must be
this dure she was afther manin’. So the last gurl didn’t know what
a tillyphone was, didn’t she? Will, sorra a bit more do I, but I’ll
answer it if it shpakes to me, civil-like. It must be in this room, for
this was the dure she lift open. Now is it a Polly Parrot, or what is
it? Begorry, its Nora Flanagan that don’t know at all, at all. Come,
Tilly, Tilly, Tilly! Come show yuresilf, and lit me hear the voice av
yez. Where in the wurruld doos yez kape yersilf? Come Phony, Phony,
Phony! Come, that’s a good baste! (She has been looking everywhere.
She now seats herself.) Stay where yez are, thin, bad ’cess to yez!
I naden’t answer yez if yez don’t shpake, that’s sure! (Phone rings;
Nora jumps, with a little scream.) Sure an’ I niver heard the durebell
sound as near as that! (Exit.) (Comes back muttering.) Bad ’cess to
thim byes! A rapping and a ringing and thin whin yez go to the dure,
no wan bees there, at all, at all! (Phone rings again. Nora runs out,
but comes back to put her head through the doorway.) Faith, an’ I’ll
watch fur ’em this toime, and ketch the crathers! (Exit Nora. Phone
rings again. Nora enters, and seats herself.) Sure, and that’s a quare
thing! That wasn’t the durebell at all, at all. I thought it sounded
in this room, but there’s no bell here, at all, at all! If this house
is haunted, its mesilf that won’t stay a night in the place, I don’t
wurruk where there’s witches nor ghosts, that’s flat. (Bell rings
again. Nora looks at phone.) Sure, and I belave it’s that little box
that’s makin’ all the noise. Perhaps that’s the phone, now. But how can
I answer it? There is no dure to open. (Bell rings again,) Shut up,
you sassy box! I aint goin’ to answer yez. (Bell rings again.) Well,
ting-a-ling-a-ling, thin. Doos that suit yez? (Enter Miss Courtney,
dressed for the street.)

_Miss C._ Why Nora, didn’t you hear the phone? You should answer it,
when we are not here.

_Nora._ Sure and I did answer it.

_Miss C._ Who was it?

_Nora._ Who was it? The Ould Harry himsilf, I belave. He kipt a ringin’
and a ringin’ but niver a wurrud did he say.

_Miss C._ That’s queer! (Bell rings again, Miss C. goes to phone. Nora
watches curiously.)

_Miss C._ Hello!—— Yes—— That’s too bad—— Something wrong with the
line, maybe. The girl said she answered—— I’m sorry, but I’m just going
out, and I must go the other way. Tell her I’ll run in tomorrow—— Yes——
Goodbye. (Hangs up receiver.) Now if it rings again, Nora, answer it.
I’ll be back to tea, but don’t say so to any one. Don’t know. Just say
I’m out, and that you’ll give any message.

_Nora._ I will do that same. (Miss C. goes out.)

_Nora._ So that box is the tillyphone, is it? Quare things they have
in Americky——little rooms that goes up or down with yez, pieanny’s
that play thimselves, trumpets that sing at yez, and boxes that talk to
yez! (Bell rings.) There goes the thing again. Well, she put this to
her ear, and talked through this. Hello!—— It’s mesilf—— Sure and it
isn’t. It’s number 12 Maple Avenue, Mrs. Coortney’s house—— Yis, I’m
the gurrul, Nora Flanagan—— No, she’s not at home, she’s gone out, and
the young lady too—— Sure, and she said she would be home at taytime——
-Oh, begorra, she said I wasn’t to know whin she’d be home. I’ll give
her a message if yez like—— Who did you say?—— Oh, yis, Mrs. Donahue——
No?—— Oh, Mrs. Van Houton? Is that roight?—— Yis, I’ll tell her yez
hollered through the little box, but I’ll not tell her yez called,
for yez didn’t. I niver set eyes on yez. I can lie, if I must, for my
misthress, but I shan’t lie to her—— Yis, goodbye to yez. (Hangs up
receiver.) Sure and I did that in foine shtyle. It’s Nora Flanagan can
learn the Yankee ways. Now where was that woman, I wonder? And how
did I hear the voice av her so plain? It’s witchcraft, I do belave.
Sure, and I’ll ask the praste, nixt toime I go to confession, if it’s
all roight fer a good gurrul to middle with. If not, I shan’t answer
the crather anny more. (Bell rings.) There it goes again. (Takes down
receiver.) Hello!—— Yis, it’s Nora, sure—— No, there’s no one ilse
here—— Sure, it’s a good hand yez are at coortin, but how do yez know
how pretty I am?—— Yis, av coorse it’s Nora—— Odd? Yis, maybe. Yez own
sounds odd, too—— Yis, I caught it, but I don’t care to have me ears
kissed—— Do I, now? Well I’m not sure—— Yis, I’ll tell yez tonight, if
yez come—— The theayter? Sure I will that same—— And a little supper,
did yez say, aftherwards? I’ll be there—— No, it’s no freak, it’s the
right voice av me—— Yis, I do thin, a little—— Well, goodbye thin, me
dear—— Yis, at eight, goodbye. (Hangs up receiver.) To think I’ve got
me a beau, so soon, and I’ve niver set eyes on him, nayther. Reginald!
It’s a pretty name, that it is. Whin did he see me, I wonder? (Primps
before glass.) Well there’s lots of Yankee gurruls not so good looking
as Nora Flanagan. I must hurry up the tay, and be riddy whin me young
man gits here. Bedad, I’ll be guessing he’s the perliceman that told me
the way here. He was a foine looking man, to be sure, and Irish, by his
look and brogue, but not by the name av him. Reginald! Real foine it
sounds! (Exit into kitchen.)


(CURTAIN)



SCENE II.


(Same setting as before. Mrs. C. and Miss C. just being let in by Nora.)

_Mrs. C._ And did any one call for me while I was out, Nora?

_Nora._ No mem, a Mrs. Donahue hollered through the tellyphone, and
wanted me to say she called, but she niver came near the dure at all,
at all. She didn’t seem to want nothin’ but to know what number this
was, and what my name was. Rather sassy, she was, I thought.

_Mrs. C._ Mrs. Donahue? I don’t know any Mrs. Donahue.

_Nora._ Sure and I thought she didn’t know yez, all the toime, mem. She
jist wanted to holler through the little bellbox.

_Mrs. C._ Is tea ready?

_Nora._ It is, mem.

_Miss C._ And did any one call for me, at the door or the phone?

_Nora._ Niver a sowl, Miss, (to Mrs. C.) Plaze mem, may I have me
avenin’ out tonight, instid av tomorry?

_Mrs. C._ Why, I don’t know. Why?

_Nora._ It’s invited out I am, by me young man, mem.

_Mrs. C._ But you told me you had no followers.

_Nora._ No more I did, thin, but I hev one now. He called me on the
phone, and I said I’d go. I must, mem, if I lose me place.

_Mrs. C._ What does he do, Nora?

_Nora._ He’s a perliceman, I belave, mem, and he has a swate way av
making love over the phone. Sure, and I didn’t know yez could kiss
through those little boxes.

_Miss C._ Oh! But where is he going to take you, Nora?

_Nora._ To the theayter, and a bit av a supper aftherwards, Miss. May I
go, mem?

_Mrs. C._ But who is he, Nora?

_Nora._ Me beau, mem.

_Mrs. C._ What is his name, I mean?

_Nora._ His Christian name is Reginald, mem.

_Mrs. C._ His last name?

_Nora._ I fergit, exactly, mem.

_Miss C._ (Suspiciously.) Are you sure it was you he called?

_Nora._ And who else should it be? He called me Nora darlint, and made
love over the phone in great shape. Sure, and he’s to git his answer
tonight, so I must go.

_Miss C._ Mamma! It was Reginald! He always calls me Nora.

_Nora._ Is that yez name?

_Miss C._ It’s Eleanora.

_Nora._ Well, it’s mesilf that don’t want yez beau, but nayther kin yez
hov moine. I’ll tell yez what I’ll do. We’ll both be riddy at eight,
and bedad, he kin choose betwixt us.

_Mrs. C._ Do you mean to say, Eleanora, that he would dare court you
over the phone?

_Miss C._ Well, he might. See here, Nora, I’ll show you my Reginald’s
picture, and if that’s the one that comes, bring him in and call me. If
not, you may have him. Is that fair? (Shows photo.)

_Nora._ Sure and if that’s the man, yez kin have him and wilcome. It’s
no city dude loike that, that Nora Flanagan wants. But bedad, if it
is him, yez’ll hev to say yis or no this noight, for I promised him
through the little phone that yez would. Good luck to yez, Miss, and
good luck to me, too. If I’ve made a mis larrago this toime, mebbe the
little bellbox’ll bring me a good Irish beau yit. Come out to tay, and
thin bedad, we’ll both git ready for our beaux, and good luck to the
both av us. Sure and it’s great fun answering the phone annyhow. (She
goes out, followed by the others.)

[Illustration]



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[Illustration]

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secure this fine collection of old home songs. Full of sentiment, humor
and pathos and decidedly new and fresh in construction. Price, 30 cents
per copy, postpaid; $3.00 per dozen, not prepaid; add 3 cents per copy
for postage.


=THE SPINSTERS’ CLUB.= A humorous operetta in two acts. Libretto by
Harriet D. Castle. Music by Geo. F. Rosche. “The Spinsters’ Club” is
a humorous operetta designed for church choirs and young people’s
societies. It will be found available in all communities in which a
church choir is found. The music is bright, tuneful, and yet easy to
learn and memorize. The dialogue is witty, pleasing and entertaining.
Price, postpaid 60 cents per copy.

=A returnable sample copy of any of the above mailed on receipt of 3
cents for postage; to be returned postpaid or paid for in Thirty days.=

       *       *       *       *       *


ILLUSTRATED PANTOMIMED HYMNS

=NEARER MY GOD TO THEE.= Posed under the direction of Eleanor H. Denig.
This is a particularly fine production and lends itself admirably for
a twelve-minute addition to an evening’s entertainment in the church
or hall. The instructions are very clear so that this pantomime may be
prepared by anyone with ordinary talent or ability. The fourteen full
figure halftone illustrations will be found an excellent help.

The music is very complete. The regular hymn tune is printed for mixed
voices; also an original quartet for voices of women and on original
setting for voices of men and an original duet for soprano and alto
by J. S. Fearis, thus furnishing a variety of music found in no other
publication of this sort. Price, 40 cents postpaid. “Not sent on
examination.”


=IT CAME UPON THE MIDNIGHT CLEAR.= Posed under the direction of
Eleanor H. Denig. This pantomime will be particularly interesting
during the winter season for a twelve-minute addition to church or
other entertainments. The directions are very elaborate, enabling any
person to prepare the same successfully. The music is very complete,
consisting of a hymn tune for mixed voices; an original setting for
voices of both women and men; also a very fine duet soprano and alto;
the latter by Chas. H. Gabriel. Price, 40 cents per copy postpaid. “Not
sent on examination.”



NEW PLAYS

By Elizabeth F. Guptill


[Illustration]

=The School at Mud Hollow.= A burlesque in two parts. 8 Males and 9
Females. Time about 2 hours. Price 35 cents.

PART I. In which is portrayed the difficulties encountered by
Miss Arabella Pinkham, who has come to “Mud Hollow” to assume the
responsible duties of “Teacher” in the school. In selecting “Mud
Hollow” she seeks a change from the city life she is accustomed to, and
finds plenty of it in the manners, customs and dialect of the pupils.
From start to finish there is nothing but fun.

PART II. Which represents the last day at the school, when the proud
parents are present to listen to the final examination of the class
by the Supervisor and enjoy the program which is rendered by the
pupils. Part II. offers an opportunity for about 60 minutes of the
finest fun possible. “_The School at Mud Hollow_” may be given in one
evening, but for those who would prefer to make two evenings of it, or
to give only one part, we offer the same work announced below under
the title of “_The New Teacher at Mud Hollow School_” and “_The Last
Day at Mud Hollow School_” either of which can be given as a complete
entertainment without regard to the other one.

=The New Teacher at Mud Hollow School.= Being Part I. of THE SCHOOL AT
MUD HOLLOW. 6 Males and 14 Females. Time about 1 hour. Price 25 cents.

=The Last Day at Mud Hollow School.= Being Part II. of THE SCHOOL AT
MUD HOLLOW. 8 Males and 19 Females. Time about 1 hour. Price 25 cents.


=Santa’s Rescue=

[Illustration]

Two mysterious pieces of paper fall into the hands of the children,
one being found by the BOYS and one by the GIRLS. The meaning of the
inscription on each remains a mystery until it is discerned that by
placing the papers together they have the message that the “Old Witch”
of the North has captured “Santa” and holds him in an ice prison at
the North Pole. Of course there could be no “Merry Christmas” without
their “patron saint”, so guided by the “Fairy Godmother” they start for
the North Pole to rescue him. The “Old Witch” endeavors to block the
rescuers’ way by the assistance of “Old Zero” and the “Snow Fairies”
but when they learn that the snow drifts they are piling up are to aid
in keeping “Santa” from his usual Christmas activities they get the
“Sunbeam Fairies” to come to their aid and melt the snow, while they
bind with a frozen cord the “Old Witch,” who is found indulging in a
nap which she takes only once every hundred years. With the “Old Witch”
powerless and in their control the Rescue of Santa is an easy matter.

Tho’ belated somewhat by his enforced stay at the North Pole, the
children are glad to become his “aides” in spreading a “Merry
Christmas” through all the world. This is a very clever plot, well
worked out, and will make a decided hit for the Christmas season. 4
Boys and 5 Girls with any number of Fairies. Time about 1 hour. Price
25 cents.


FARCES

=Taking the Census.= Mr. Cole, the Census Taker, has a funny experience
in an attempt to gather the facts required by the government from Mrs.
Almira Johnson, a “cullud lady,” and her young son Alexander. Three
characters only. Time about 10 minutes. Price 10 cents.


[Illustration]

=Answering the Phone.= Mrs. Courtney and her daughter have a most
trying experience with Nora Flanagan, the new “hired girl,” who in
their absence attempts to carry out the instructions given with special
reference to “answering the phone.” The final situation in which Nora
makes a date with Miss Courtney’s “intended” is ridiculous in the
extreme. 3 females. Time about 15 minutes. Price 10 cents.


=The Twins and How They Entertained the New Minister.= They have a
delightful time telling family secrets to the “New Minister,” who has
called for the first time. They explain the necessity of seeing their
mother to find out from her if she is “In,” for so often she is “Out”
when she is “In” and “In” when she is “Out.” 2 Males and 1 Female. Time
about 15 minutes. Price 10 cents.

  =NO ENTERTAINMENTS SENT “ON EXAMINATION”=

       *       *       *       *       *

Transcriber’s Notes:

Obvious punctuation errors repaired. Back cover advertisement had a
Library of Congress sticker obscuring part of the upper right text. It
was filled in using another cover’s text in the same series.

Inside back cover, “particuarly” changed to “particularly” (be
particularly interesting)





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