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Title: Stephen H. Branch's Alligator, Vol. 1 no. 13, July 17, 1858
Author: Branch, Stephen H.
Language: English
As this book started as an ASCII text book there are no pictures available.
Copyright Status: Not copyrighted in the United States. If you live elsewhere check the laws of your country before downloading this ebook. See comments about copyright issues at end of book.

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                           Transcriber Notes

 Obvious printer errors and missing punctuation fixed. Archaic and
   inconsistent spelling retained.
 The table of contents has been created and added by the transcriber.
 Italics are represented by underscores surrounding the _italic text_.
 Small capitals have been converted to ALL CAPS.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

                   Life of Stephen H. Branch.       1

                   A Primary Election at Peter      2
                     Cooper’s Funny Little
                     Grocery-Groggery, at the
                     corner of the Bowery and
                     Stuyversant Street, in 1820.

                   A Precious Fossil.               2

                   Editorial Career of James        3
                     Gordon Bennett.

                   Fools.                           3

                   Advertisements.                  4

------------------------------------------------------------------------



[Illustration: STEPHEN H. BRANCH’S ALLIGATOR.]

    ----------------------------------------------------------------

   Volume I.—No. 13.]    SATURDAY, JULY 17, 1858.    [Price 2 Cents.


       Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1857, by

                           STEPHEN H. BRANCH,

       In the Clerk’s Office of the District Court of the United
             States for the Southern District of New York.



                       Life of Stephen H. Branch.


While Horace Greeley and myself were in conversation over our breakfast
at the Graham House, Goss escorted Fred Douglas and lady to the table,
who took seats near us. I knew not who they were, nor do I know that
Greeley did, but I think he did. They had arrived the previous night,
and this was my first knowledge that Goss kept colored boarders, who
politely helped them, and took a seat beside them, and conversed on
their favorite theme of anti-slavery. I stared at Goss and Fred and lady
and at Greeley, who gave me a sly glance, and ate his bran mush and
molasses as though nothing unusual was transpiring. I finished my mush,
and retired, and felt that Goss had perpetrated a gross impropriety. And
although I was then teaching negroes in the kitchens of New York, amid
slush and kettles and frying pans, and thus evinced my warm desire to
elevate the whole African race, yet my feelings were so grossly outraged
by this unnatural and disgusting amalgamation, that I went to Major
Mordecah M. Noah, (who published a daily evening paper,) and told him
the whole story, who opened a tremendous broadside on Greeley, who dared
Noah to reveal the name of his informant, although he knew I must be the
man. I besought Noah not to disclose my name, as I did not desire to
have a controversy with Greeley about Graham bread and Africans. Noah
promised he would not, but he discharged such caustic and unceasing
broadsides, and poked so much fun at Greeley, for breakfasting with
negroes, that he again ferociously demanded Noah to disclose the name of
his cowardly informant. I again implored Noah to stand firmly, and not
to divulge my name. Noah said that he did not see how he could avoid it,
as Greeley had made such a savage demand. But I induced him, after long
and plaintive importunity, not to expose me, and Noah soon withdrew his
forces from Africa, and attacked Greeley on his native hills of America,
on the subject of the Tariff and other themes. And in their deluge of
words and detraction, I did not molest Noah, nor any of his descendants,
save to pawn some of my traps occasionally to pay Goss my weekly board.
Greeley snarled and growled at me for weeks, but he had a conciliatory
nature, and magnanimously forgave me, and, (as after the quarrels of two
enthusiastic lovers,) we were better friends than ever. I admired the
humor and genial nature of Major Noah, and I respected the
transcendental talents of Horace Greeley, but I did not wish to be
devoured by their gladiatorial collisions, although I was the sole
origin of their editorial combat. Rhode Island was now on the verge of
civil war. My father addressed the first assemblage at the old Town
House, in Providence, against the revolutionary doctrines of Thomas
Wilson Dorr, and harangued the friend’s of Law and Order in various
parts of the State. My brother Henry came to New York, and told me that
my father had received letters from the insurgents, warning him to
prepare to meet his God, and was insulted by ruffians while crossing
Providence bridge, who threatened to destroy his property, if he did not
cease his inflammatory speeches against them, and that father defied
them, and told them that they might burn his houses, but they could not
burn his land. I went to Providence, and was saluted by father in tones
of the purest affection. I slept at his house, for several nights, and
joined the City Guards, and my company was assigned a position on the
west side of the bridge, to guard the city from sunset till sunrise.
News came that old General Green’s Kentish Guards, (cherished by
Washington,) of East Greenwich, commanded by Captain Allen, had fired on
the insurgents at Pawtucket, five miles from Providence, and killed and
wounded half a dozen of the rebels, and my Company was immediately sent
to relieve the Kentish Guards. Just prior to entering Pawtucket, the
Dorr women belched from their doors and windows the most disgusting
ejaculations, and I heard one virago exclaim: “An’t you a precious gang
of soldiers? You look as though Providence had taken a powerful emetic.”
This was a hard dose, but it came from one who bore the form and garb of
a lady, and we had to swallow it without a murmur. Ex-Governor Earle
came from Pawtucket on the wings of lightning, and told us it would be
instant death for us to enter Pawtucket without more men, but, much to
my regret, our Captain ordered us to follow him into the town, whose
streets were crowded with desperate outlaws, who were hooting and
hurling stones and fragments of iron at the Kentish Guards, who were
literally surrounded by the mob. When Captain Allen saw our Company
approach, he instantly arrayed us against the insurgents for fatal
action, and, taking out his watch, told the beligerent thousands
present, that if they did not disperse in ten minutes, he would fire
upon them. I suffered more in these ten minutes, than in all my life,
because I feared the rascals wouldn’t go, and we would have to fire at
them. I had the dyspepsia most horribly, and had all my pockets stuffed
with chunks of Graham bread, for a warrior’s rations, and was reduced to
an utter skeleton, and could hardly hold my heavy musket
perpendicularly, and my bones fairly rattled when the bloody words of
Captain Allen fell upon my ears. I had never fired a gun but once, and
that was at a snake at Topsfield, Massachusetts, and although the muzzle
was within an inch of his head, the ball passed into the ground, and the
snake fled before I could reload my gun. And yet I feared I might shed
human blood, and perhaps kill one or more, if Captain Allen ordered my
Company to fire at the Dorrites. And I was very sure I would fall like a
dead man, from the effect upon my dyspeptic nerves of fright and
thundering noise caused by the simultaneous discharge of one hundred
muskets. And I actually envied the rebels who could escape from peril,
while I could not, as I had a gun, cap and knapsack, and was hemmed in
by my comrades. I could not exchange my clothes, and was closely watched
by the insurgents, and if I left the ranks, I might be shot by my own
companions in arms, and if I escaped their fire, the insurgents
themselves might instantly dispatch me. The fatal ten minutes had nearly
expired, and I supposed my time had come, as I felt sure if we fired,
that two thousand ruffians would rush upon us, and hack us to bleeding
fragments. I looked up to the brilliant stars, but with all their
cheerfulness and fascination, I feared to have my soul approach their
glittering realms. I looked down upon the green earth, and I desired not
an eternal abode for my butchered carcase below its fragrant surface. To
kill a man I thought would be horrible, and forever cause unpleasant
dreams. But to be killed myself, by the enemy, seemed still more
horrible. And I resolved to put nothing but powder in my gun, so that I
could not kill or wound the Dorrites. I regretted that I could not slyly
tell them of my humane resolves, so that they could evince similar
clemency towards me, when we came together hand to hand, and foot to
foot, and nails to nails, and nose to nose, and belly to belly, and
teeth to teeth. The ten minutes elapsed, and the rebels remained and
yelled and stoned and defied us. Captain Allen passed along the line,
and told us we had got bloody work before us, and besought us to be
firm, and reload our muskets quickly, and fire at the hearts of our
adversaries, and we would conquer them, although they numbered
thousands, and we only hundreds. I came near falling at this
intelligence, and leaned very heavily against the soldiers on either
side of me, who threatened to shoot me if I didn’t stand straighter,
which straightened me mighty quick. Captain Allen spoke of American
patriotism, and our duty to our native State, and to the United States,
and of the valor of Green and Perry, but I scarcely heard what he said,
as my terrified mind was contemplating the horrors of an instant and
bloody doom, and my gloomy prospects beyond the grave. Captain Allen
takes out his watch, and draws his sword, and I look towards Heaven, and
engage in a most solemn silent prayer, as I now expect to die in about
five minutes.

                   (To be continued to my last gun.)

                  ------------------------------------



 A Primary Election at Peter Cooper’s Funny Little Grocery-Groggery, at
       the corner of the Bowery and Stuyversant Street, in 1820.


                     HALF AN HOUR BEFORE DAYLIGHT.

_Peter_—Well, Jack, where are all the boys you promised me?

_Jack_—They are asleep in the market.

_Peter_—Zounds! Jack! Arouse them, or we are lost.

_Jack_—They have one eye open, and the gilded stuff will soon open the
other.

_Peter_—Jack, what do you mean? Have I not kept open house for three
days and nights, and swilled yourself and comrades with liquor for a
week, and haven’t you all been drunk at my expense for several days? By
Jupiter! Jack! you won’t desert me, after drinking so much of my best
rum, will you?

_Jack_—The boys won’t expose their eyes and nose, and teeth and skulls,
and bellies to the sharp claws and big fists, and stones and clubs of
your political adversaries, without some money in advance, to tickle the
palms of the surgeon and nurses at the Hospital. For doctors and nurses
won’t trust the poor, you know, and especially the boys who get their
skulls cracked at the primary elections.

_Peter_—Well, Jack, tell the boys that I will fill them with good rum
until the primary election is over, and then, if I am victorious in the
Nominating Convention, I’ll reward them liberally with money.

_Jack_—(With his fingers whirling like a windmill over his nose)—The
boys an’t so green as to trust the politicians until they have fought
their bloody sieges, and elected them to offices where they can steal
fortunes from the people, including many a chunk of choice grub from our
own mouths. No, no, Peter. It won’t do. Down with the cash, and all will
go well.

_Peter_—Have I not often got yourself and friends out of the Watch
House?

_Jack_—And have we not long bought your grog, although you adulterated
it more than other liquor dealers? And have we not fought your public
battles, and exposed ourselves to imprisonment, and periled our lives to
give you political influence to liberate us from the Watch House, when
we got into a bad scrape on your account?

_Peter_—You lie, you thief and drunken vagabond, if you say I
adulterated my liquor more than other rum sellers.

_Jack_—Have a care, Peter, have a care, for did I not catch you in the
very act of pouring water by the pailfull into a rum hogshead last week,
that was only about half full of spurious alcohol, when you began to
adulterate it?

_Peter_—I was afraid the boys would drink so much, that they would not
be sober enough to whip my political enemies to-day, if I did not
adulterate my pure and strong rum, which came from Jamaica only last
week.

_Jack_—That will do, Peter—that will do, for you always could tell a
smoother and bigger lie than me, and I give it up.

_Peter_—Come, come, Jack—this won’t do. The sun will soon be climbing
the eastern hills, and there’s no time to be lost. What’s to be done?

_Jack_—Fork over, Peter, and we’ll die, if necessary, in our effort to
stuff the ballot boxes, and keep them stuffed all day, and drive your
foes from the polls, and seize the boxes at sunset, and count the votes
in favor of your delegates to the Convention.

_Peter_—Will you be true?

_Jack_—As money to the poor man.

_Peter_—Then awake the boys, and let them all come quickly, and get some
stuff.

_Jack_ (Scampers to the market)—Get up, you lazy drunken thieves, and
run for your lives to Peter Cooper’s, and get some precious stuff. (They
all spring from the butcher stalls, and run like bloodhounds for Peter’s
groggery.)

_Jack_—Here we are, Peter.

_Peter_—So I perceive. (They all slyly smile and wink, and screw their
expressive mouths.)

_Jack_—Shall I help the boys to some grog, Peter, while you are counting
out our primary wages?

_Peter_—O yes, but don’t give them too stiff a horn, Jack, as I fear
they will all get dead drunk before sundown, and then I’ll surely be
defeated, as the hardest fighting will be after the poles are closed.
So, boys, please drink moderately until the election is over, and fight
like bull dogs till the result is declared, and then, if I am the
conqueror, you can all get drunk on my toddy for a week or month.

_Jack_—That’s the talk. Them’s our views, an’t they, boys?

_All_ (drinking)—Well—they are.

_Peter_—There, Jack, there’s your share, and now you divide the balance
among your honest and noble companions.

_Jack_—Boys—do you hear the compliments of our candidate?

_All_—Well—we do, and he is a man of his word, and we’ll put him
through.

_Jack_—(Putting all the money in his pocket)—Scissors! boys! Look down
the Bowery! There come, on the full jump, about forty bullies with Ned,
the murderer, at their head, screaming and beckoning his bloody gang to
follow him.

_Peter_—O God! Stand by me, friends, or I’ll be murdered before the
polls open. For Ned threatened to kill me yesterday, if I didn’t
withdraw my name as a candidate. So, don’t let him and his desperate
band murder me. For I’m sure they will, if you abandon me. O dear! Do
stand by me, brave young gentlemen! Won’t you? Please do? (He begins to
cry.)

_Jack_—Here they come, and they are armed with clubs, knives and
pistols.

_Peter_—O Lordy! (And he crawls under the counter, and gets behind a rum
cask, and is as quiet as a young rat.)

_Ned_ (bursting through the door, and his cronies smashing the
windows)—I understand you stuffed the ballot-box last night for Peter
Cooper, and intend to carry the election to-day, by spurious ballots
already deposited.

_Jack_—You are a liar. (They close, and Ned throws Jack, and mauls him
awfully.)

_Ned_—Go in, boys, and give no quarter, and drag Peter Cooper from
behind the rum cask, under the bar, and give him a dreadful flogging,
for not withdrawing in favor of my candidate.

_Peter_—O spare me, Ned, spare me, and I’ll withdraw from the field.

_Ned_—Shut up, Snarlyow. Give it to him, boys, and knock his teeth down
his throat, and make his nose as red as his crimes, and his eyes as
black as his heart. Hit him again, and avenge his robbery of his poor
old Aunt.

_Peter_—O spare me, kind gentlemen, and I’ll give you all the rum I’ve
got in the bar, and down cellar, too.

_Ned_—Close your jaws, Shylock. Your time is come. (Jack now rallies,
and a bloody collision ensues, and two are stabbed, and one shot, and
Peter is terribly beaten, and thrown into the cellar, but soon crawls up
stairs, and Peter’s friends fly for their lives.)

_Peter_—(sitting on a rum cask, with his nostrils blocked with
coagulated blood, and his face mashed to a jelly, and Ned and his
bullies drinking, laughing, singing, and dancing)—O dear me, I wish
somebody would come and relieve me from the clutches of these awful men.

_Ned_—(throwing a glass of rum in the face of Peter)—No impudence,
Peter. Another insolent word, and I’ll skin you. (The Police now rush
in, and, after a bloody struggle, arrest Ned and all his followers, and
drag them to prison.)

                           (To be continued.)



                     Stephen H. Branch’s Alligator.

         ------------------------------------------------------

                   NEW YORK, SATURDAY, JULY 17, 1858.

         ------------------------------------------------------

STEPHEN H. BRANCH’S “ALLIGATOR” CAN BE obtained at all hours, at
wholesale and retail, at No. 114 Nassau Street, (Second Story), near Ann
Street, New York.

                  ------------------------------------



                           A Precious Fossil.

               _Mayor Tiemann’s trickery and treachery to
                   the Americans thoroughly exposed._


The following CARD was placed in every house and store and workshop in
1843, by direction of Daniel F. Tiemann, and was published in all the
newspapers of that memorable period:

  “TO THE VOTERS IN THIS HOUSE.

  The inclosed Ticket is presented by the American Republican Party,
  for your suffrage—it is composed exclusively of Americans who have
  withdrawn from the great contending parties of the day, for the sake
  of the country and its institutions; their character and standing in
  the community is well known to be unexceptionable and highly
  honorable; they have pledged themselves, if elected, to support and
  carry out the principles of this party, which are as follows, viz:—

  1st. We maintain that the Naturalization Laws should be so altered
  as to require of all Foreigners who may hereafter arrive in this
  Country, a residence of twenty-one years, before granting them the
  privilege of the Elective Franchise; but at the same time, we
  distinctly declare, that it is not our intention to interfere with
  the vested rights of any citizen, or lay any obstruction in the way
  of Foreigners obtaining a livlihood or acquiring property in this
  country; but on the contrary, we would grant them the right to
  purchase, hold and transfer property, and to enjoy and participate
  in all the benefits of our country, (except that of voting and
  holding office,) as soon as they declare their intentions to become
  citizens.

  2d. We advocate the repeal of the present Common School Law, and the
  re-establishment of the Law, known as the Public School Law.

  3d. We maintain that the Bible, without note or comment, is not
  sectarian—that it is the fountain-head of morality and all good
  government, and should be used in our Public Schools as a reading
  Book.

  4th. We are opposed to a union of Church and State in any and every
  form.

  5th. We hold that native Americans, only, should be appointed to
  office, to legislate, administer, or execute the Laws of their own
  country.

  These are our principles—if you like them, we ask your support for
  the enclosed Ticket. We believe the time has come when we may, with
  truth, exclaim, “Delay is dangerous.” The above principles aim at
  _existing evils_, which have grown to such enormity as to threaten
  seriously our dearest and most sacred rights. We have waited long
  and anxiously for some movement from among other parties to check
  these evils, and we have waited in vain. The only hope that remains,
  is for Americans to organize a new party, to combat and counteract
  them. This we have done. The Presidential question we have nothing
  to do with.—We invite you to our Standard: it is raised in the cause
  of Civil and Religious Liberty, and no true American can fight
  against it. It is the same Banner that was raised by Americans in
  ’76.

                                       DANIEL F. TIEMANN, _President_.

    J. B. DENNIS, _Secretary_.
    New York, November 1, 1843.”

This will do pretty well for a man whose father is a Holland Dutchman,
and cannot now speak the American language so as to be easily
understood,—who is appointing the ejected garroters of European
Capitals, to the most lucrative and honorable positions, while poor and
honest and intelligent Americans (for whom he professed such boundless
love in 1843,) are haughtily denied the humblest appointments in his
gift,—who has toiled with sleepless vigilance,—since his recent election
as Mayor by the Americans,—to reinstate the odious George W. Matsell,
and who has, after an arduous struggle, succeeded in effecting the
reappointment of Captain Leonard, a Canadian, and of Captain Dowling, an
Irishman, (both of whose naturalization papers I would like to see, or
the man who has seen them,) who were smuggled back to their old quarters
by Cooper, Gerard, Tiemann, Bowen, and Stranaham, to cut the throat of
Seward, and to diffuse poison through the Police Department, and to
re-create the perjured carcase of Matsell on the ruins of Tallmadge and
Wm. Curtis Noyes, his noble son-in-law. Tiemann aspires to the honors of
a Governor, and himself and his brother Edward Cooper, (the Street
Commissioner, and the own son of Peter Cooper,) are appointing all the
ruffians of both hemispheres to office, to effect the nomination and
election of Tiemann as Governor of the Empire State. But Peter, and
Daniel, and Edward will be foiled. No man can attain the distinguished
honors of America, who prostitutes his own integrity and that of his
fellow citizens, to effect his ungodly designs. Aaron Burr and other
ambitious rogues tried that experiment, and they were resisted and
foiled by the God who loves and protects our beloved America, and they
went down to ignominious graves, whose ashes will be loathed and
trampled by a thousand generations. Mayor Tiemann is a ninny and a
hypocrite—has basely disowned his native Holland skies—has never been
naturalized—bamboozled the Americans in 1843 and 1857—loves neither
American nor foreigner, nor his God—but adores himself and Peter Cooper,
and fears George W. Matsell and his Matron Mistress on Randall’s Island,
whom he forced and nearly strangled, while he committed a deed of hell,
in the violation of her person, for which, in any city of Europe, he
would be dragged to a dungeon or the block, and perhaps torn to pieces
in the market place, by the indignant and phrensied populace.

                  ------------------------------------



               Editorial Career of James Gordon Bennett.


                           JOHN KELLY’S HOME.

                         _Enter John in tears._

_John’s Mother_—Well, dear Johnny, why do you cry so hard? Where on
earth did you come from? Have you been fighting, and did you act the
coward, and get whipped, and run home? Speak, my darling boy, and speak
quickly, so that your dear mother can sympathise with you.

_John_—(still crying)—Dear mother, my heart is so full of woe, that I
cannot speak.

_Mother_—(begins to cry)—O, God! I fear something awful has happened to
my adored son, and that he is injured internally, and will soon die.
(Falls on her knees, and clasps her hands, and wails in piteous tones,
and implores God to spare her son.)

_John_—(seizing her)—Don’t cry, dear mother, my heart, not my form, is
bruised.

_Mother_—And who bruised your big heart? Did a ruffian throw a stone, or
kick you, or strike your heart with his fist? O tell me quickly, so that
I can fell him to the earth.

_John_—Neither, good mother, neither. I spoke figuratively, when I said
my heart was bruised.

_Mother_—And an’t figures facts? How strangely you talk, dear Johnny.
Did not your old mother go to school, and did she not cipher as far as
Distraction? And when you say your poor heart is bruised figuratively,
you talk from the Rule of Distraction, don’t you? Mr. Daboll used to say
so, before you was born. Go to, my son, go to, for your old mother is
not so far distracted as not to understand figures as far as
Distraction.

_Father_ (just emerging from a profound nap)—What is all this row about?

_Mother_—Some rowdy has bruised Johnny’s heart.

_Father_—Where is my hat? I’ll pursue the rascal.

_John_—Hold, father, hold, and you, mother, please calm your nerves, and
listen to my brief but plaintive story.

_Father_—Go on, dear son.

_Mother_—And we will judge impartially.

_John_—I have left Mr. Bennett.

_Mother_—Good Lord! For what?

_John_—Because he wanted me to tell lies.

_Mother_—(falling)—O God! O God! We are hungry and nearly naked, and may
soon be houseless, but thou hast blessed us with an honest boy, which is
a far more precious boon than food and raiment and shelter. (And she
utters a long and fervent and grateful prayer to God, for the unwavering
integrity of her beloved son, while Johnny and his father weep aloud on
their bended knees.)

_Father_ (the distracted mother still prostrate on the floor)—John: Did
Mr. Bennett pay you what he owed you?

_John_—He offered to, but I would not take it.

_Father_—Why?

_John_—Because I thought he got it dishonestly, as he wanted me to tell
lies.

_Father_—My landlord was here to-day, and I told him I expected some
money from Mr. Bennett for your services, and he will be here this
evening, for his rent, and I fear he will turn us into the street, when
I tell him that I cannot pay him.

_John_—I am very sorry, father, that you will be cast into the street,
on my account. (The father weeps, and the mother springs to her feet,
and kisses Johnny, and swears that if the landlord attempts to drive
them into the open air, she will dash his brains out.)

_John_ (putting on his hat, and with one hand on the latch)—Don’t cry,
dear father and mother, nor be excited and unhappy in my brief absence.

_Mother_—Where are you going, Johnny?

_John_—I am going round to the fire engine house, to see a noble young
fireman, who is a warm friend of mine, and whose father is very rich,
and I am sure he will cry when I tell him that my poor old father and
mother are sick and hungry, and are about to be thrust into the street.

_Mother_ (on the verge of despair)—Tell him our mournful story, Johnny,
but do not beg. No, my Johnny, for God’s sake, don’t beg. Let us all die
before we implore alms. Your mother is too proud to have her son descend
to that. Don’t beg, Johnny, don’t beg, I implore you. It is my last
prayer to my dear son.

_John_—I could not beg, mother. I would die before I would thus degrade
myself and noble parents, who have seen fairer days than these. Besides,
my friend is humane, and so are his parents, and I am sure I will not
have to beg him to relieve us. It will be sufficient for him to learn of
our destitution, and that we became utterly poor, because I would not
tell lies for James Gordon Bennett.

_Father_—Go, my son, to your young fireman friend, and tell your story
in your own way. I’m sure you will never degrade your father and mother,
after your refusal to lie for Mr. Bennett.

_Mother_—Go, Johnny, and soon return to your distracted parents, and let
them know their fate.

_John_ (kissing his mother, and warmly pressing his father’s hand)—Good
bye, father and mother, and I’ll soon bring you pleasing news, and a
deliverance from abject penury. (He goes.)

                       _Evening—Enter Landlord._

_Landlord_—Well, Mr. Kelly, have you got my rent?

_Mr. Kelly_—No, sir. My son has left Mr. Bennett, because he wanted him
to tell lies.

_Landlord_—For what?

_Mr. Kelly_—Because he wanted him to lie.

_Landlord_—What a fool your son must be.

_Mrs. Kelly_—Don’t you call my son a fool, sir. God loved George
Washington because he would not lie, and made him the Liberator of his
country.

_Landlord_—That’s all gammon. Washington was an old Federalist, and an
old knave and fool, and could swear and lie as hard as a delinquent
tenant.

_Mrs. Kelly_ (throws the tea pot, full of scalding water, at his
head)—Take that, you miserable old tory and miser. (The landlord rushes
upon Mrs. Kelly, when Mr. Kelly, forgetting his rheumatic leg, flies at
him like a tiger, and while they grapple, and level their deadly blows,
with Mrs. Kelly pouring hot water down the neck and back of the
landlord—in comes John, and his young fireman friend, who both seize the
landlord, and hurl him down stairs, and kick him into the street, amid
the frantic yells of all the neighbors. John then introduces the young
New York Fireman to his father and mother, who receive him with courtesy
and fervor.)

                           (To be continued.)

                  ------------------------------------



                                 Fools.


Bennett and Hudson (through their influence with the wholesale news
dealers,) supposed they could check the circulation of the “ALLIGATOR,”
among the honest masses, who have been kicked and cuffed and sold by the
Bennett’s, and Greeley’s, and Raymond’s, since the immortal Pudding
Dinner of Benjamin Franklin, to the wicked aristocracy and tories of
Philadelphia, who threatened to crush Franklin’s bold and independent
Journal, but who got egregiously mistaken. Stop my “ALLIGATOR!” Eh? You
could as easily dam the thundering torrents of Niagara, that have
sublimely rolled into their rocky beds for unnumbered ages. Withhold my
“ALLIGATOR” from the glad embraces of the intelligent and industrial
classes! Eh? First strive to roll back the Father of Waters to its
sources in the mountain wilderness, or beat back the God of Day, or stop
the Revolutions of the Globe! Stop my “ALLIGATOR!” Eh? Fools, fools,
fools!

                  ------------------------------------


I have received the first number of “_The Fact_,” whose editors are Wm.
B. Smith and D. A. Casserley. It is about the size of the “ALLIGATOR,”
and full of interesting matter. I hope it will be liberally patronised.

------------------------------------------------------------------------



                    Advertisements—25 Cents a line.


Credit—From two to four seconds, or as long as the Advertiser can hold
his breath! Letters and Advertisements to be left at No. 114 Nassau
street, second story, front room.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


NOTICE TO FARMERS AND MARKET GARDENERS.—CITY INSPECTOR’S DEPARTMENT, New
York, June 16, 1858.—In conformity with the following resolution, the
space therein mentioned will be permitted to be used as a place, by
farmers and gardeners, for the sale of vegetables and garden produce,
until the hour of 12 o’clock, M., daily—the use to be free of charge:

Resolved, That permission be, and is hereby, given to farmers and market
gardeners, to occupy daily, until 12 M., free of charge, the vacant
space of the northern and southern extremities of the intersection of
Broadway and Sixth avenue, between Thirty-second and Thirty-fifth
streets, without infringing upon the streets which the said space
intersects, for the purpose only of selling vegetables and market
produce, of their own farms or gardens, under the supervision of the
City Inspector.

Also, by resolution of the Common Council, The use of Gouverneur slip is
granted to farmers and gardeners for the sale of produce from wagons.

                                       GEO. W. MORTON, City Inspector.
                                     JOSEPH CANNING, Sup’t of Markets.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


NOTICE—TO PERSONS KEEPING SWINE, OWNERS OF PROPERTY WHERE THE SAME MAY
BE KEPT, AND ALL OTHERS INTERESTED. At a meeting of the Mayor and
Commissioners of Health, held at the City Hall of the City of New York,
Friday, June 18th, 1858, the following preamble and resolutions were
adopted:

Whereas, A large number of swine are kept in various portions of the
city; and whereas, it is the general practice of persons so keeping
swine, to boil offal and kitchen refuse and garbage, whereby a highly
offensive and dangerous nuisance is created, therefore, be it

Resolved, That this Board, of the Mayor and Commissioners of Health,
deeming swine kept south of (86th) street, in this city, to be creative
of a nuisance and detrimental to the public health, therefore, the City
Inspector be, and he is hereby, authorized and directed to take, seize,
and remove from any and all places and premises, all and every swine
found or kept on any premises in any place in the city of New York
southerly of said street, and to cause all such swine to be removed to
the Public Pound, or other suitable place beyond the limits of the city
or northerly of said street, and to cause all premises or places
wherein, or on which, said swine may have been so found or kept, to be
thoroughly cleaned and purified as the City Inspector shall deem
necessary to secure the preservation of the public health, and that all
expenses incurred thereby constitute a lien on the lot, lots or premises
from which said nuisance shall have been abated or removed.

Resolved, That the foregoing resolutions shall take effect from and
after the first day of July next, and that public notice be given of the
same by publication in the Corporation papers to that date, and that
notice may be given to persons keeping swine by circulars delivered on
the premises, and that all violations of this order be prosecuted by the
proper legal authorities, on complaint from the City Inspector or his
officers.

                                        CITY INSPECTOR’S DEPARTMENT, }
                                        New York, June 18, 1858.     }

All persons keeping swine, or upon whose property or premises the same
may be kept, are hereby notified that the above resolutions will be
strictly enforced from and after the first day of July next.

                                       GEO. W. MORTON, City Inspector.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


FRANCIS B. BALDWIN, WHOLESALE and RETAIL CLOTHING & FURNISHING
WAREHOUSE, 70 and 72 Bowery, between Canal and Hester sts., New York.
Large and elegant assortment of Youths’ and Boys’ Clothing.

                                                        F. B. BALDWIN,
                                                         J. G. BARNUM.

F. B. BALDWIN has just opened his New and Immense Establishment. THE
LARGEST IN THE CITY! An entire New Stock of GENTLEMEN’S, YOUTH’S and
CHILDREN’S CLOTHING, recently manufactured by the best workmen in the
city, is now opened for inspection. Also, a superior stock of FURNISHING
GOODS. All articles are of the Best Quality, and having been purchased
during the crisis, WILL BE SOLD VERY LOW! The Custom Department contains
the greatest variety of CLOTHS, CASSIMERES, and VESTINGS.

Mr. BALDWIN has associated with him Mr. J. G. BARNUM, who has had great
experience in the business, having been thirty years connected with the
leading Clothing Establishments of the city.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


THOMAS A. DUNN, 506 EIGHTH AVENUE, has a very choice assortment of
Wines, Brandies, Cordials, and Segars, which he will sell at prices that
will yield a fair profit. All my democratic friends, and my immediate
associates in the Boards of Aldermen and Councilmen are respectfully
invited to call in their rambles through Eighth Avenue, and enjoy a good
Havana segar, and nice, sparkling champagne, and very exhilerating
brandy. For the segars, I will charge my political friends and
associates only five pence each, and for the brandy only ten pence per
half gill, and for the champagne only four shillings a glass, or two
dollars a bottle.

                So call, kind friends, and sing a glee,
                And laugh and smoke and drink with me,
                              Sweet Sangaree
                              Till you can’t see:
                    (_Chorus_)—At your expense!
                              (Which pays my rents,)
                For my fingers do you see
                O’er my nose gyrating free?

                                THOMAS A. DUNN, No. 506 Eighth avenue.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


J. VAN TINE, SHANGAE RESTAURANT, No. 2, Dey street, New York.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


COREY AND SON, MERCHANT’S EXCHANGE, Wall street, New York.—Notaries
Public and Commissioners.—United State’s Passports issued in 36
hours,—Bills of Exchange, Drafts, and Notes protested,—Marine protests
noted and extended.

                                                       EDWIN F. COREY,
                                                   EDWIN F. COREY, JR.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


MRS. S. S. BIRD’S LADIES’ AND GENTLEMEN’S Dining and Oyster Saloons, No.
31 Canal street, near East Broadway, and 264 Division street, New York.

                       Oysters Pickled to Order.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


S. & J. W. BARKER, GENERAL AUCTIONEERS & REAL ESTATE BROKERS. Loans
negotiated, Houses and Stores Rented, Stocks and Bonds Sold at Auction
or Private Sale.

Also, FURNITURE SALES attended to at private houses. Office, 14 Pine
street, under Commonwealth Bank.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


CARLTON HOUSE, 496 BROADWAY, NEW York. Bates and Holden, Proprietors.

                                                     THEOPHILUS BATES.
                                                       OREL J. HOLDEN.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


TRIMMING MANUFACTURERS.—B. S. YATES & CO., 639 Broadway, New York.

                 Fringes, Cords, Tassels, Loops, Gimps,
                            and Gimp Bands.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


WM. COULTER, Carpenter.—I have long been engaged as a Carpenter, and I
assure all who will favor me with their patronage, that I will build as
good houses, or anything else in my line, as any other carpenter in the
city of New York. I will also be as reasonable in charges for my work as
any other person.

                      WILLIAM COULTER, Carpenter.
              Rear of 216 East Twentieth street, New York.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


GERARD BETTS & CO., AUCTION AND Commission Merchants, No. 106, Wall
street, corner of Front street, New York.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


JAMES DONNELLY’S COAL YARD,—Twenty-sixth street and Second Avenue. I
always have all kinds of coal on hand, and of the very best quality,
which I will sell as low as any other coal dealer in the United States.

                                                       JAMES DONNELLY.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


FOLEY’S CELEBRATED “GOLD PENS.” For sale by all Stationers and
Jewellers.

                          OFFICE AND STORE,
                                163 BROADWAY.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


W. W. OSBORN, MERCHANT TAILOR, 9 Chamber street, near Chatham street,
New York.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


SOLOMON BANTA, Architect, No. 93 Amos street, New York. I have built as
many houses and stores as any Architect in this city, or the United
States, and I can produce vouchers to that effect; and I flatter myself
that I can build edifices that will compare favorably, in point of
beauty and durability, with those of any architect in this country. I am
prepared to receive orders in my line of business, at No. 93 Amos
street, New York.

                                                        SOLOMON BANTA.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


ROBERT ONDERDONK—THIRTEENTH Ward Hotel, 405 and 407 Grand street, corner
of Clinton street, New York.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


WILLIAM M. TWEED, CHAIR, & OFFICE Furniture Dealer and Manufacturer,

No. 289 Broadway, corner of Read street, New York. Room No. 15.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


TRUSSES, ELASTIC STOCKINGS, SHOULDER Braces, Supporters, Bandages, &c.
H. L. Parsons, M. D. Office, 4 Ann street, under the Museum.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


FASHION HOUSE.—JOSEPH HYDE PROPRIETOR, corner Grand and Essex street.
Wines, Liquors, and Cigars of the best brands. He invites his friends to
give him a call. Prompt and courteous attention given his patrons.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


WILLIAM A. CONKLIN, ATTORNEY AND COUNSELLOR AT LAW, No. 176 Chatham
street, New York. Any business entrusted to his charge from citizens of
this city or any part of the country, will receive prompt and faithful
attention, and be conducted on reasonable terms.

                                                   WILLIAM A. CONKLIN.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


HERRING’S PATENT CHAMPION FIRE AND BURGLAR Proof Safe, with Hall’s
Patent Powder Proof Locks, afford the greatest security of any Safe in
the world. Also, Sideboard and Parlor Safes, of elegant workmanship and
finish, for plate, &c. S. C. HERRING & CO.,

                                                         251 Broadway.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


JAMES MELENFY, (SUCCESSOR TO SAMUEL Hopper,) Grocer, and Wholesale and
Retail Dealer in Pure Country Milk. Teas, Coffee, Sugars & Spices.
Flour, Butter, Lard, Cheese, Eggs &c. No. 158, Eighth Avenue, Near 18th
Street, New York. Families supplied by leaving their address at the
Store.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


BOOT & SHOE EMPORIUMS. EDWIN A. BROOKS, Importer and Manufacturer of
Boots, Shoes & Gaiters, Wholesale and Retail, No. 575 Broadway, and 150
Fulton Street, New York.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


MCSPEDON AND BAKER’S STATIONERY WAREHOUSE and Envelope Manufactory, Nos.
29, 31, and 33, Beekman Street, New York.

ENVELOPES of all patterns, styles, and quality, on hand, and made to
order for the trade and others, by Steam Machinery. Patented April 8th,
1856.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


COZZENS’ HOTEL COACHES,—STABLE, Nos. 34 and 36 Canal Street, New York.

I will strive hard to please all those generous citizens who will kindly
favor me with their patronage.

                                                     EDWARD VAN RANST.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


J. W. MASON, MANUFACTURER, WHOLESALE and Retail dealers in all kinds of
Chairs, Wash Stands, Settees, &c. 377 & 379 Pearl Street, New York.

Cane and Wood Seat Chairs, in Boxes, for Shipping.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


BENJAMIN JONES, COMMISSION DEALER, IN Real Estate. Houses and stores and
lots for sale in all parts of the city. Office at the junction of
Broadway, Seventh Avenue, and Forty-Sixth Street.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


FULLMER AND WOOD, CARRIAGE Manufacturers, 239 West 19th Street, New
York.

Horse-shoeing done with despatch, and in the most scientific manner, and
on reasonable terms.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


J. N. GENIN, FASHIONABLE HATTER, 214 Broadway, New York.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


GENIN’S LADIES’ & CHILDREN’S OUTFITTING Bazaar, 513 Broadway, (St.
Nicholas Hotel, N. Y.)

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


EDWARD PHALON & SON, 497 and 517 Broadway, New York—Depots for the sale
of Perfumery, and every article connected with the Toilet.

We now introduce the “BOUQUET D’OGARITA, or Wild Flower of Mexico,”
which is superior to any thing of the kind in the civilized world.

                                                  EDWARD PHALON & SON.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


SAMUEL SNEDEN, SHIP & STEAMBOAT BUILDER.—My Office is at No. 31 Corlears
Street, New York; and my yards and residence are at Greenpoint. I have
built Ships and Steamers for every portion of the Globe, for a long term
of years, and continue to do so on reasonable terms.

                                                        SAMUEL SNEDEN.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


JOHN B. WEBB, BOAT BUILDER, 718 WATER STREET. My Boats are of models and
materials unsurpassed by those of any Boat Builder in the World. Give me
a call, and if I don’t please you, I will disdain to charge you for what
does not entirely satisfy you.

                                                         JOHN B. WEBB.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


ALANSON T. BRIGGS—DEALER IN FLOUR BARRELS, Molasses Casks, Water, and
all other kinds of Casks. Also, new flour barrels and half-barrels; a
large supply constantly on hand. My Stores are at Nos. 62, 63, 64, 69,
73, 75, 77 and 79 Rutger’s Slip; at 235, 237, and 239 Cherry street;
also, in South and Water streets, between Pike and Rutger’s Slip,
extending from street to street. My yards in Williamsburgh are at Furman
& Co.’s Dock. My yards in New York are at the corner of Water and
Gouverneur streets; and in Washington street, near Canal; and at Leroy
Place. My general Office is at 64 Rutger’s Slip.

                                                    ALANSON T. BRIGGS.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


FULTON IRON WORKS.—JAMES MURPHY & CO., manufacturers of Marine and Land
Engines, Boilers, &c. Iron and Brass Castings. Foot of Cherry street,
East River.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


BRADDICK & HOGAN, SAILMAKERS, No. 272 South Street, New York.

Awnings, Tents, and Bags made to order.

                                                    JESSE A. BRADDICK,
                                                        RICHARD HOGAN.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


WILLIAM M. SOMERVILLE, WHOLESALE AND Retail Druggist and Apothecary, 205
Bleecker-st., corner Minetta, opposite Cottage Place, New York. All the
popular Patent Medicines, fresh Swedish Leeches, Cupping, &c.
Physicians’ Prescriptions accurately prepared.

                                                    WM. M. SOMERVILLE.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


A. W. & T. HUME, MERCHANT TAILORS, No. 82 Sixth Avenue, New York. We
keep a large and elegant assortment of every article that a gentleman
requires. We make Coats, Vests and Pants, after the latest Parisian
fashions, and on reasonable terms.

                                                      A. W. & T. HUME.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


THE WASHINGTON, BY BARTLETT & GATES, No. 1 Broadway, New York. Come and
see us, good friends, and eat and drink and be merry, in the same
capacious and patriotic halls where the immortal Washington’s voice and
laugh once reverberated.

                      O come to our Hotel,
                      And you’ll be treated well.

                                                     BARTLETT & GATES.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


EXCELSIOR PRINTING HOUSE, 211 CENTRE ST., IS furnished with every
facility, latest improved presses, and the newest styles of type—for the
execution of Book, Job and Ornamental Printing. Call and see specimens.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


CHARLES FRANCIS, SADDLER, (ESTABLISHED IN 1808,) Sign of the Golden
Horse, 39 Bowery, New York, opposite the Theatre. Mr. F. will sell his
articles as low as any other Saddler in America, and warrant them to be
equal to any in the World.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


H. N. WILD, STEAM CANDY MANUFACTURER, No. 451 Broadway, bet. Grand and
Howard streets, New York. My Iceland Moss and Flaxseed Candy will cure
Coughs and Sneezes in a very short time.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


JAMES GRIFFITHS, (Late CHATFIELD & GRIFFITHS,) No. 273 Grand st., New
York. A large stock of well-selected Cloths, Cassimeres, Vestings, &c.,
on hand. Gent’s, Youths’ and Children’s Clothing, Cut and Made in the
most approved style. All cheap for Cash.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


J. AGATE & CO., MEN’S FURNISHING GOODS and Shirt Manufacturers, 256
Broadway, New York.

Shirts made to order and guaranteed to fit.

J. AGATE,      F. W. TALKINGTON.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


BILLIARD TABLES.—PHELAN’S IMPROVED BILLIARD Tables and Combination
Cushions—Protected by letters patent, dated Feb. 19, 1856; Oct. 28,
1856; Dec. 8, 1857; Jan. 12, 1858. The recent improvements in these
Tables make them unsurpassed in the world. They are now offered to the
scientific Billiard players as combining speed with truth, never before
obtained in any Billiard Table. Sales-rooms Nos. 786 and 788 Broadway,
New York. Manufactory No. 53 Ann Street.

                             O’CONNOR & COLLENDOR, Sole Manufacturers.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


S. L. OLMSTEAD, IMPORTER, MANUFACTURER and Jobber of Men’s Furnishing
Goods, No. 24 Barclay Street, corner of Church, New York.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


C. B. HATCH, HILLER & MERSEREAU, Importers and Jobbers of Men’s
Furnishing Goods, and Manufacturers of the Golden Hill Shirts, 99
Chambers street, N. E. corner Church Street, New York.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


L. A. ROSENMILLER, DRUGGIST, NO. 172 EIGHTH Avenue, New York. Cupping &
Leeching. Medicines at all hours.





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