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Title: The Red Light of Mars - or, A Day in the Life of the Devil, (A Philosophical Comedy)
Author: Bronson-Howard, George
Language: English
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THE MODERN DRAMA SERIES
EDITED BY EDWIN BJÖRKMAN
THE RED LIGHT OF MARS
GEORGE BRONSON-HOWARD
THE RED LIGHT OF MARS
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF THE DEVIL
A PHILOSOPHICAL COMEDY BY
GEORGE BRONSON-HOWARD
[Illustration]
NEW YORK
MITCHELL KENNERLEY
MCMXIII
COPYRIGHT 1913 THE JOHN W. RUMSEY CO.
COPYRIGHT 1913 MITCHELL KENNERLEY
THE·PLIMPTON·PRESS
NORWOOD·MASS·U·S·A
CONTENTS
PAGE
INTRODUCTION vii
LIST OF PLAYS BY GEORGE BRONSON-HOWARD x
THE RED LIGHT OF MARS 1
INTRODUCTION
There is to me something typically American about the life-story
leading up to the play contained in this volume—a story in which the
creation and publication of that play will undoubtedly represent only
a temporary climax. I want to tell it, not only as a curiosity, but
as something that has genuine significance to the world of letters.
The meaning of this story, read in conjunction with the work that
has grown out of it, is that the time when books were bred by books
only is about gone now. The new literature will come straight out of
life, apparently, and will in consequence have made a decided gain,
even though it may have lost something else. As it springs forth,
full-blooded and ready-tongued, we shall undoubtedly hear melancholy
voices proclaim the _vulgarization_ of poetry. But if, on hearing such
protests rising from some anæmic scholar’s cloistered cell, we look
back through the ages and fix our gaze not only on the little followers
but on the great leaders—on the Dantes and Shakespeares and Cervanteses
and Molières—then we shall find that almost always the term of
opprobrium quoted above has implied a _vitalization_ of the supposedly
menaced art form.
The author of “The Red Light of Mars” is now in his thirtieth year,
having been born on January 7, 1884, in Howard County, Maryland. His
father was a Baltimore merchant and insurance broker, who, in his turn,
had a Confederate blockade runner for father and an officer in the
English army for grandfather. His mother sprang from an old French
middle-class family, which had to emigrate from Dijon after the Edict
of Nantes.
George Bronson-Howard studied in a private school in London, in the
public schools of Baltimore, and in the City College of the same
place. At fourteen he lost both parents, just as he was about to enter
Johns Hopkins University, his age having been carefully concealed in
order that the examinations might be open to him. Instead he became
a messenger in the Weather Bureau at Baltimore. While thus employed,
he submitted successfully to the first of a series of civil service
examinations, each one of which required some skilful disingenuousness
lest the applicant’s age prove an insuperable obstacle. During the next
seven years, Mr. Bronson-Howard busied himself successively as follows:
Reporter on the Baltimore _American_; clerk in the office of the
Secretary of the Navy; stenographer at the Brooklyn Navy Yard; reporter
on the Brooklyn _Citizen_; press representative for one of the Frohman
theatres and for one of George W. Lederer’s productions; reporter on
the New York _Herald_; clerk in the Bureau of Navigation at Washington;
clerk in the office of the Collector of Customs at Manila, Philippine
Islands; assistant to the Collector of Customs at Iloilo, on the island
of Panay; newspaper correspondent at Manila; member of the Philippine
Constabulary; contributor of fiction stories to various newspapers and
magazines; employé of the Imperial Chinese Customs Service at Canton;
agent of the Imperial Chinese Government in Shantung Province; war
correspondent for the London _Chronicle_ with the Russian army in
Manchuria; magazine and newspaper writer at San Francisco.
He was twenty-one when he came East and began to produce a series of
clever, quick-moving stories, designated by himself “as melodramatic
magazine yarns.” The type of hero around which they were built was
wholly new: a secret agent of the State Department. Appearing in book
form under the title of “Norroy, Diplomatic Agent,” those stories met
with such success that their author found himself relieved for a long
time from all necessity of “pot-boiling.”
Since then he has written more stories, three romances—one of which
so far has only been published in Germany—essays, plays, criticism,
musical _revues_, etc. He has acted as play reader for the late Henry
B. Harris, as dramatic editor on _Smith’s Magazine_, as dramatic critic
on the New York _Morning Telegraph_, as vaudeville impresario at Paris,
and as librettist for the Winter Garden at New York. He has dramatized
a novel and novelized a play. He has lived at London, Baltimore, New
York, Paris, and Nice—to settle down at last in a house of his own at
Belleterre, Port Jefferson, Long Island.
So far Mr. Bronson-Howard has a dozen plays of every conceivable
type to his credit, some of them being wholly his own and some being
written in collaboration with others. Most of these works have already
been produced, some with marked success, and others are scheduled for
performance in the immediate future. Thus, for instance, “The Red Light
of Mars” will be staged by H. H. Frazee during the season of 1913-14.
There are two qualities that seem to characterize all of Mr.
Bronson-Howard’s dramatic productions: a keen perception of the
demands and possibilities of the stage, and a shrewdly humorous grasp
of human nature. His command of stagecraft is so facile that at
times it strikes the critic as a danger to his art. And it has the
faults as well as the merits generally accompanying such facility. He
would probably be much surprised if he heard himself referred to as a
“psychologist”—and yet that is just what he is, in his own practical,
intuitive, American way. With these two qualities, which provide for
the framework of his art, goes, as its informing and directing spirit,
a strong inclination to “side with the under dog.”
EDWIN BJÖRKMAN.
LIST OF PLAYS BY GEORGE BRONSON-HOWARD
THE ONLY LAW (with Wilson Mizner), 1909;
SPRING TIME (with Booth Tarkington and Harry Leon (Wilson)), 1910;
SNOBS, 1911;
AN ENEMY TO SOCIETY (with Wilson Mizner), 1911;
RHETT MARYL, 1912;
THE REEF (with David Belasco), 1912;
THE RED LIGHT OF MARS, 1913.
THE RED LIGHT OF MARS
OR
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF THE DEVIL
A PHILOSOPHICAL COMEDY
PERSONS
(in order of appearance)
THOMAS VANILLITY, B. Sc., LL.D., M.A. (_Oxon_)
THE HON. HIPPOLYTE CRITTY, _Judge of Special Sessions_
JOHN MAGNUS _Of Magnus & Co., Bankers_
WILLIAM TROMPER _Manager Magnus Steel Works_
MRS. HORACE HENRY FELIX
FANNY FELIX _Her daughter_
A VALET
H. ADDINGTON AGNUS, M.D., Ph.D., D.Sc.
NOEL ONFROY, R.A. _Chevalier Légion d’honneur_
THE LIGHT
TOPLISS _A servant_
DOLL BLONDIN _A show-girl_
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL _An anarchist_
ST. ELMO PEATTIE _Sheriff_
A DETECTIVE LIEUTENANT
TWO DETECTIVES
A CHAUFFEUR
THE RED LIGHT OF MARS
THE FIRST ACT
_The study and laboratory of Doctor Addington Agnus, Rothlyn, Long
Island._
_Entrances: Folding-doors to laboratory; door to garden; spiral
stairway; door to hallway._
_A long, low white room: white-panelled, white book-shelves, furniture,
etc.; upholstered in light yellow and light blue chintz._
_Garden seen through two windows on either side of upper door.
Folding-doors to laboratory closed._
_A sunny day in early winter: late morning. The sun is almost blinding
on the white room and the highly polished brasses._
_A bright wood-fire burns._
_As the curtain rises: a knocking on the garden door, which continues.
The knob rattles. The door gives way, almost precipitating Thomas
Vanillity on his face._
_Vanillity is a college professor, lean, spare, ascetic-looking; wears
a dark gray English walking suit; tailed coat; derby hat. Has typical
sad Englishman’s moustache, a “drooper”; closely shaven lantern jaws.
Carries neatly folded umbrella._
VANILLITY (_evidently astounded at unlocked door_)
Well: upon my word—upon my word! (_Picks up hat, umbrella, etc., which
have fallen, and straightens himself_) I wonder if he’s in? (_A slight
explosion from laboratory; he drops articles again_) Yes, he’s in!
(_Picks up articles a second time; straightens tie, etc., in glass;
twirls moustache; then goes to fire; stretches out hands_) A-a-ah!
[_A second knocking on garden door._
VANILLITY (_going to folding-doors and calling into laboratory_) Oh,
Addington, Addington, my boy! (_A second explosion from laboratory.
Vanillity goes to door, admitting Judge Hippolyte Critty: grossly but
respectably fat, with an unctuous smile and a walrus-tusk moustache_)
JUDGE CRITTY (_smiling genially_)
Ah! Professor! Professor! Come to claim all the credit of your pupil’s
great discovery? (_Waves hand toward laboratory_)
VANILLITY (_with painful humility_)
I did nothing, Judge, nothing. A man like Dr. Agnus would succeed
without my teaching or anyone’s. (_Shows by his attitude some servility
to the Judge_)
JUDGE CRITTY (_warming hands at fire_)
Well, he _thinks_ you’re responsible. “If it wasn’t for Professor
Vanillity,” he keeps saying—
VANILLITY
I never knew so painfully modest a boy—
JUDGE CRITTY (_they are both at fire_)
Boy—you’ve hit it—boy! The great scientist (_bows to laboratory
doors_) retains all his boyish shyness and lack of confidence. He even
(_preening himself_) gives _me_ credit for part of his success. Because
once I said the time was coming when science would keep us alive
forever. _He_ says _that_ put him on the track.
VANILLITY (_with melancholy satisfaction, looking toward laboratory_)
Immortality! No more building up just for Time to tear down!
JUDGE CRITTY (_in a smoking-room manner, ribald_)
And making us independent of _women_!
VANILLITY (_shocked_)
My _dear_ Judge!
JUDGE CRITTY
Of _good_ women, I mean. They are the only dangerous kind. We learned
how to handle the bad ones a few thousand years ago!
VANILLITY
My _dear_ Judge!
JUDGE CRITTY (_going back to the days of boyish confidences_) Tommy:
it’s my profession to be a hypocrite. That’s why I enjoy talking
to you. Being absolutely dependent on me, you can’t give me away.
(_Laughs foxily_) If I didn’t have you, I’d become a Catholic. I
simply can’t keep all my cleverness to myself. That’s why most people
enjoy confession. And so I say again: the _good_ women are the only
_dangerous_ kind! (_Goes to cellarette_) Have a drink! There! (_Pours_)
VANILLITY
My _dear_ Lytey—
JUDGE CRITTY
Nonsense, down with it! I _need_ you today, and when you’re dead sober,
you’ve got a _conscience_. (_Drinking with him_) Have a cigar! Take it!
(_Lights cigars for Vanillity and himself_)
[_Vanillity’s face brightens as drink and cigar affect him._
JUDGE CRITTY
Yes, sir! The only _dangerous_ kind! That’s why I’m sorry for _that_
poor fellow! (_Nods toward laboratory_)
VANILLITY
Ssh! Ssh!
JUDGE CRITTY
Pooh! He doesn’t know anybody’s on earth when he’s working—poor devil!
VANILLITY
Poor devil? Poor fellow? Who just won the Nobel prize—the most
discussed scientist in the world?
JUDGE CRITTY
And a year from now forgotten!
VANILLITY
Absurd! (_Seeing the Judge’s solemn look_) Why?
JUDGE CRITTY
In love!
VANILLITY
With a very sweet girl—a very ambitious girl!
JUDGE CRITTY
Ambitious for _herself_—yes.
VANILLITY
But—
JUDGE CRITTY (_looks at watch_)
She’ll be here any minute now: was to meet me here quarter to. I came
before time to find you; knew you’d be the first to congratulate him!
Another drink?
VANILLITY
My _dear_ Lytey—
[_Judge Critty forces it on him; Vanillity’s smile becomes a beam._
JUDGE CRITTY
She’s bringing John Magnus and William Tromper with her.
VANILLITY (_dazed_)
John Magnus!
JUDGE CRITTY
And William Tromper!
VANILLITY (_dazed_)
John Magnus!!
JUDGE CRITTY
And William Tromper’s the general manager of the Magnus Steel Works!
He’s going to offer our friend (_waving toward laboratory_) one hundred
thousand dollars a year! Chief chemist of the works!
VANILLITY
One hundred thousand dollars a year? My God!! (_A silence; changed
tone; nods toward laboratory_) But _he_ won’t take it!
JUDGE CRITTY
He _will_ take it. That’s your job!
VANILLITY (_starts_)
Mine?
JUDGE CRITTY
And mine. To persuade him!
VANILLITY (_dazed_)
Fanny wants him to?
JUDGE CRITTY
Yes! And so do you.
VANILLITY
I? Never! (_Springs to his feet_)
JUDGE CRITTY
Have another drink!
VANILLITY
My _dear_ Lytey—
JUDGE CRITTY
Take it! (_Having poured it, he forces it on Vanillity again_) And so
do you! (_With emphasis_)
VANILLITY
It’s wicked! It’s sinful!
JUDGE CRITTY
Have—
VANILLITY
No; I won’t have another drink! I know you can smother every good
feeling in me with a little liquor—
JUDGE CRITTY
Believe me: not a _little_!
VANILLITY
But this I won’t do; I will not; I won’t! To stop a man on the trail of
immortality? No! No! No!
JUDGE CRITTY
I said good women were the only dangerous kind, didn’t I?
VANILLITY
_She_ wants it? Why?
JUDGE CRITTY
For the reason that nine hundred and ninety-nine Americans do anything
“to be as _good_ as _anybody_.” One hundred thousand dollars a year is
the income on two million. It will enable her to gratify every social
ambition. She’s ambitious: for _herself_—I said _that_, too.
[_Vanillity falls into a stupefied rage; his hand sneaks toward
decanter; a horn is heard off stage._
JUDGE CRITTY (_at window_)
Here they are! (_Swiftly_) Now, mind! (_Fiercely_) D’you understand?
VANILLITY
I will _not_!
JUDGE CRITTY
You _will_! And I’ll tell you why. Magnus put me where I am, and he’ll
put me on the Supreme Bench the first vacancy. Then I’ll put _you_ into
the first College Presidency! _Now_, d’you understand?
[_A knock at the door._
VANILLITY
Man, it’s awful. It’s _sacrilege_.
JUDGE CRITTY
It’s _life_. Unfortunately. But life just the same. We didn’t make
life. But we have to _live_ it. Here! Have another drink. (_Pours it_)
[_A second knock is heard; Vanillity hesitates over the drink._
JUDGE CRITTY (_impatiently whispering_)
Come on—come on!
[_Vanillity gulps it and sits disconsolate. Judge Critty opens the
door for Fanny Felix, her mother, Mrs. Felix, John Magnus, and William
Tromper. Fanny is, par excellence, the well-bred, cold, detached,
sure-of-herself American girl of the upper class, very lace-y and
lingerie-y. Mrs. Felix looks almost as juvenile; she has less dignity;
her coat-collar and tie might be a man’s; her smart hat is feminine
enough, and so are her small, high-heeled shoes. John Magnus has an
air and an eyeglass; wears a morning coat, vest, and trousers of light
gray, and a gray top-hat to match; needs only a pair of binoculars
slung over his shoulder to be attired for the races. William Tromper
is the vulgar, pig-headed, ignorant, self-made American business man.
His small pig-like eyes show sullen hatred, an animal’s cunning,
and a savage’s determination. He is continually ready to assert
authority over supposed inferiors and equality with superiors: the
breed that has made America infamous. He is dressed in that stiff
supposed-to-be-correct fashion that marks such people: a suit of
expensive but ugly, hard-faced cloth, pressed into knife-like creases
about the lapels and trousers; a shining white waistcoat, starched and
creased; a hard-boiled shirt; a mathematically perfect rhomboid of a
sausage-like necktie; shining, creaky laced shoes of patent leather,
etc. When the party enters, and during the first few words of the
following conversation, Magnus’s valet takes their heavy motoring
coats._
MAGNUS
Here before us, Judge? (_Shakes hands_)
MRS. FELIX (_to Vanillity, shaking hands_)
The chauffeur let me drive! Glorious!
FANNY (_ditto_)
Yes, your hands won’t be fit to be seen for a week.
JUDGE CRITTY (_speaking over his shoulder while shaking hands with the
women_) I don’t think Professor Vanillity ever had the pleasure of
meeting you, Mr. Magnus.
MAGNUS (_reprovingly_)
_I_ have not had that _honor_. (_Shakes hands_) Professor—Mr. Tromper—
TROMPER (_in his best middle-class behavior_)
Pleased to meet you, Professor. Pleased to see you again, Judge.
JUDGE CRITTY (_urbanely_)
Just had a little talk with my old friend here; he shares our opinion,
Mr. Magnus.
MAGNUS
I do not know that I hold any opinion on the subject, Judge Critty. I
came along simply to please the young lady.
VANILLITY (_with a ray of hope and in a tone slightly thickened by
drink_) Then, Mr. Magnus—you don’t wholly believe in the sacrifice of a
career for money? (_Magnus frowns and looks crushingly at Judge Critty_)
JUDGE CRITTY
The Professor is inquiring as to your views, Mr. Magnus. (_Looking hard
at Vanillity_) His _own_ are _fixed_—
TROMPER
Sacrifice, did I hear you say, Professor? A young fellow gets an offer
of a fortune a year and you talk about sacrifice. He hasn’t had any
career _yet_.
VANILLITY (_with spirit_)
The Nobel prize.
TROMPER (_sneers_)
Forty thousand dollars for—how many years’study and work—
FANNY
Dr. Agnus is thirty-two—
TROMPER
Say twenty-five years’schooling and work to make forty thousand
dollars—that ain’t much of a career? I made that much long before his
age.
MAGNUS
The case is different here. Yours can be no criterion. You married
probably on less than Dr. Agnus’s schoolboy allowance—
TROMPER
Grew up together, we did. She worked and I worked. To a man that wants
comforts, it’s cheaper, marrying.
MAGNUS (_smiling_)
Showing just how far apart the cases are. The young lady here (_nods
toward Fanny_) does not make marriage cheaper.
FANNY (_correctly_)
Really, Mr. Magnus—
MAGNUS
I withdraw, with apologies.
FANNY
But don’t you _want_ Addington to do this?
MAGNUS
I haven’t been conscious of wanting _anything_ these many years, Fanny.
MRS. FELIX (_smiling_)
You don’t need to be, John. You lift your eyebrows and people hustle.
You get what you want before you’re conscious of wanting it. But you
_do_ want Dr. Agnus to take his offer (_points to Tromper_), don’t you?
MAGNUS
Do I, Tromper?
TROMPER
Well, sir—
MRS. FELIX
He means, shall he tell the truth?
MAGNUS
The lady wishes you to tell the truth, Tromper.
TROMPER
Well, sir—
MRS. FELIX
Take your time. A business man can’t speak the truth so quickly. That
takes practice.
TROMPER (_to Magnus_)
Well, sir, if what you said about the young doctor is true—
FANNY (_triumphantly_)
And it _is_ true. I told him, myself.
TROMPER
That one chemical discovery of his alone will save the mills—I wouldn’t
undertake to say how much—that is, if he can do it!
FANNY
He can!
MAGNUS
Well?
FANNY
Well? (_Her eyes turn toward the laboratory_)
MAGNUS
He is in apparently. (_To the others_) We are all agreed upon the
matter?
JUDGE CRITTY (_hastily_)
I can answer for Professor Vanillity and myself.
FANNY
And I for mother!
MRS. FELIX
I think it is a shame, Fanny.
MAGNUS
Apparently Tromper answers for me.
JUDGE CRITTY
I think we can convince the young man where his duty lies—
MRS. FELIX
I wish I could convince the lot of you where _your_ duty lies! Can’t
you see that all this comes from not giving women the vote long ago?
FANNY
Mother, dear!—exercise your monomania at any other time than this!
MAGNUS (_to Mrs. Felix, amused_)
Really?
MRS. FELIX
Really! When a woman is allowed to figure out her duty to the nation,
she’ll want her husband to give _it_ his best, instead of giving his
best to _her_.
FANNY
What nonsense, mother! A man’s first duty is to his home—
MRS. FELIX
Give them the vote, and they’ll sacrifice the home to make the nation.
MAGNUS (_seated, crossing legs_)
Ladies, proceed! This is strangely interesting to me.
MRS. FELIX
It will be more than interesting to you when we win, John Magnus. Why
do you control the money-market of America? Because women, having no
interest in business, urge their men to make as much money as they can.
They can do this only by taking advantage of other people’s weakness;
not realizing that, if they do this to weaker people, stronger men will
do it to them. And so it’s dog eat dog, and as you’re the biggest one
in the kennel you eat them all—
FANNY
Mother! Are you losing _all_ your manners?
MAGNUS
Thanks for making me a _big_ dog anyhow, Loo—But how would women voting
change all this?
FANNY
Oh, mother!—please!
MRS. FELIX
Why, as soon as women realize that modern laws of business, applied to
the home, would make every man a thief and every woman a prostitute,
they’ll stop urging their husbands to make more than the next man—
MAGNUS
Loo! I hereby subscribe any reasonable sum you say to the cause of
suffrage—thereby planning my own downfall!—
MRS. FELIX
Or showing your contempt!—Well! you’re amusing anyhow, John Magnus. If
somebody could make you take things seriously, you’d be as great a man
as your subsidized newspapers _say_ you are—
JUDGE CRITTY
Really, my dear Mrs. Felix;—even the _hysterical_ newspapers admit Mr.
Magnus is a great man!
MAGNUS
My dear press-agent—we are in the presence of my friends, not of the
public. You may consider yourself off duty.
MRS. FELIX
No man can be selfish and great. Mr. Magnus only amuses himself by
playing a game with the public. But how he can be amused by winning
games from his inferiors, I don’t know. That’s the kink in his
greatness.
MAGNUS
I have just begun to realize their inferiority, Loo. That’s why the
game begins to bore me—
MRS. FELIX
Start teaching them instead of beating them, then.
MAGNUS
Anything to get back my interest in life! How shall I begin?
MRS. FELIX
By endowing that brilliant boy in there to carry on his search for
immortality—give him some of your useless millions.
FANNY
Mother! He isn’t a beggar. He can give himself and me everything we
need by work.
MRS. FELIX
Yes, but can he give the _world_ everything—
TROMPER
He can give the world more iron rails for railroads; more armor-plate
for battleships—
MRS. FELIX
More money for Magnus, you mean. Railroads and battleships never made
anybody wiser or happier—
VANILLITY
Oh, really, Mrs. Felix—travel—
MRS. FELIX
Whisking past interesting places at a mile a minute isn’t travelling.
That’s moving pictures for the rich. (_To Magnus_) John, with your
money translated into real power—not petty authority—you’ll go down to
history as big a man as the boy in there—your name linked with his—
JUDGE CRITTY
Pardon me, Mrs. Felix; _his_ name linked with Mr. Magnus.
MRS. FELIX
No. The boy is a fool at everything except his work. But his wisdom in
that is greater than all of yours, John Magnus.
[_Judge Critty lifts his hands, about to protest._
MAGNUS
If he can make men immortal, certainly—
[_Judge Critty subsides._
MRS. FELIX
Well, at twenty-nine he’s made animals’ hearts and lungs immortal. In
fifty years, endowed with millions—
[_Magnus nods._
MRS. FELIX
You _do_ see, don’t you? Now, will you bury that talent in a vulgar
manufactory—
TROMPER (_offended_)
Vulgar! Why, some of our men come to work in their own automobiles.
MRS. FELIX
Prosaic manufactory, then. (_To Magnus_) Remember, when you bury him,
you bury your own chance to be a great man! Whoever heard of a mere
money-maker in history unless as the patron of artists, writers, or
scientists?
MAGNUS
Loo, I’ve a good mind to _make_ you marry me! I believe you’d make life
interesting again—
MRS. FELIX
You’d have to change a good many of your ways before you can do that.
I admire your brains, but what’s the sense of having them when they
aren’t put to any good use? Will you endow the boy? (_Nods toward
laboratory_)
MAGNUS
Yes.
MRS. FELIX
A few more answers like that, and I’ll say “yes” to you.
MAGNUS
I’ll endow him—to please you. But I demand interest on my investment.
I’ll build the finest workshop a scientist ever had: give him ten,
twenty, a hundred assistants; the most renowned scientists in the
world, no matter what they cost.—He can spend any amount on whatever he
needs in his work. But I’ll have no young society-man business—
[_Fanny starts and her expression grows sullen._
MAGNUS
He’ll stay _here_, on Long Island. And he’ll spend no more on himself
than he needs to live decently. If I sacrifice _millions_, he must
sacrifice _something_—
FANNY
What do you mean by living decently. (_Biting her lips_) The way _you_
live?
MAGNUS
No, that’s living extravagantly. (_Smiling_)
FANNY
Mother, Mr. Magnus has just been joking at your expense.
MRS. FELIX
I see no joke.
FANNY
Addington was giving up his work for my sake—our home’s sake. Mr.
Magnus hasn’t changed that any.
MRS. FELIX
Addington has only a few thousand a year income. Handicapped that
way, he might never fully succeed in his work. Mr. Magnus makes it
impossible for him to fail.
FANNY
And meanwhile live in this poky seacoast village; ten miles from a
railroad; not half a dozen nice families near us—
MAGNUS
A motor will get you to New York after dinner, in time for the theatre,
the opera, or a dance—
MRS. FELIX
Of course, you’d keep a small flat in New York.
MAGNUS
Oh, anything reasonable—say, fifteen thousand a year for personal
expenses—
FANNY (_aghast_)
Fifteen thousand! (_Reproachfully to Mrs. Felix_) You see now, mother!
MRS. FELIX
See what?
FANNY (_exasperated_)
Why, my gowns, my little expenses come to twenty-five hundred, and I
don’t have half enough—not a quarter enough. I _won’t_—I’ll live in the
right places and know the right people and do the right things—or I
won’t marry—
MRS. FELIX
Silly places—ignorant people—selfish things—
FANNY
Mr. Magnus, it wasn’t very nice of you!
MAGNUS (_to Mrs. Felix_)
People would much rather do what they like than what _we_ like—
MRS. FELIX
They must be taught to like what’s best for the world. Fanny—do you
mean you’ll deliberately spoil Addington’s career? Refuse this great
chance?
TROMPER
Business is business, Mrs. Felix. Your daughter would make a good
business woman.
MRS. FELIX (_to Fanny_)
I hope that last remark shows you how petty your conduct is.
FANNY
Live on Long Island out of the season? Have a poky flat in town and one
servant? Never entertain? Never meet worth-while people? Be out of it
altogether? I’m better off unmarried!
MRS. FELIX (_alarmed_)
Don’t say that!
VANILLITY
You have the man you love, Miss Felix.
FANNY
If the man I love doesn’t love me well enough to make some sacrifices
for my sake—
VANILLITY
But the same applies to you—
FANNY
Women sacrifice enough when they surrender their liberty—when they take
on the duties of marriage—
MRS. FELIX
But you said you didn’t intend to have more than one child, anyhow—
FANNY (_shocked_)
Mother!
MRS. FELIX (_to Tromper_)
Will you pardon us just a moment, Mr. Tromper? (_Shows him into the
hallway and closes the door_) You others don’t matter, knowing us as
well as you do. Now, Fanny, what do you mean?
FANNY
The duties of a wife—
MRS. FELIX
Don’t hide behind phrases.
FANNY
If you don’t know, mother, it’s too late for you to learn.
MRS. FELIX
Well, I’ll tell you what _my_ duties as a wife were: spending more
than my husband could get decently; making him overwork to pay
my extravagances; keeping him until four in the morning at silly
affairs, knowing he must work while I slept it off; flirting with
every idle attractive man I met, letting him think I was a fragile
flower plucked by a hand of a savage who could not appreciate my fairy
fragrance! Those—and neglecting my one child until she grew up to be
an encyclopædia of all a woman should _not_ be—those were _my_ wifely
duties!
FANNY
Mother! You are shocking everybody!
MAGNUS
Not me, Loo!
MRS. FELIX
If I had brought you up properly instead of leaving you to snobbish
servants and fashionable incubators, you might be some man’s blessing
instead of curse! Plain words, Fanny! May they start you thinking and
keep you from ruining the mind and killing the body of some good man
like your father, who died a bankrupt, and—though our fashionable
physician friends made it look otherwise—a suicide! (_To the
others_)—All of you knew this?
MAGNUS
Yes—
[_Vanillity bows his head._
JUDGE CRITTY (_clearing his throat_)
Why—
FANNY (_tears in her voice_)
Mother, you are brutal! Brutal! Brutal!
MRS. FELIX
No. _You_ are _going_ to be.
FANNY
I believe you hate me.
MRS. FELIX
I hate myself when I see what I was yesterday in you today. I hate
myself for letting that yesterday live in you instead of killing it
when you were a child. I only saw myself as I was just before your
father decided to finish things. Knowing he would lose me anyhow, he
told me how fatal his love for me had been. “A beautiful poisonous
orchid,” he called me—(_breaks down_) Fanny, Fanny, Fanny!
FANNY (_coldly_)
Mother, don’t make a scene!
MRS. FELIX (_drying her eyes_)
Useless—useless—
MAGNUS (_rising_)
It was all my fault. I should never have made the offer—
MRS. FELIX
It was the first _real_ thing you ever did.
MAGNUS
I mean the first offer—the _selfish_ one—the _burying_ one—
MRS. FELIX
Cancel it!
MAGNUS
It is cancelled!
FANNY (_almost murderously_)
Mother, when we get home, I will pack and go to Aunt Clara’s. In the
future please don’t concern yourself about me any more than about any
other young woman of your acquaintance.—Shall we go?
MRS. FELIX
But the boy in there—
FANNY
No need to disturb him. He is busy, and no doubt happy—I will break the
bad news in a letter.
MRS. FELIX
You break the engagement?
FANNY
Oh, no, indeed! He’ll soon find some other steel manufacturer or
somebody of the sort to offer him just as much.
MAGNUS (_quieting Mrs. Felix’s frantic interrogation_)
I see—the bad news is breaking my word?
[_Fanny nods._
MAGNUS
You told him, and he accepted?
FANNY
I talked to him for an hour over the telephone this morning—
MRS. FELIX
He accepted—so easily—
FANNY
Easily!—I told him he must either accept or lose me—and rang off. Two
minutes later he was frantically accepting—
MAGNUS
You should have told us that and saved argument.
FANNY
I wanted you—all of you—to _make_ argument—good argument—so that he
would see it was for the best and not sulk and grieve afterwards.
(_Angrily_) Mother promised she would not interfere.
MRS. FELIX
It was thinking of poor Harry did it.
FANNY
Please do not refer to father again—now that you’ve shattered all my
ideals about him—
MRS. FELIX
Ideals! Fanny, Fanny!
MAGNUS (_to Mrs. Felix_)
If the boy accepted so readily, I think perhaps, Loo, it would be an
injustice to cancel that first offer—
FANNY (_earnestly_)
Mr. Magnus—please—don’t—
MAGNUS
I suppose Tromper—my good faithful beef-eating Tromper—will spread the
report that I’m losing my mind if I do—
MRS. FELIX
Great men shouldn’t care, John. The mob _always_ think greatness is
madness.
FANNY (_impatiently_)
Mother—
MRS. FELIX
I only wish there was some one to save the poor boy from you, Fanny—I
do, indeed!
[_A ring is heard at the door and Vanillity goes to open it. Noel
Onfroy enters. He has pointed beard, twirling moustache, pointed
hands, hair cut en brosse; wears black velvet jacket, rich red tie,
riding trouserss with white Bedford cords, black patent-leather boots;
bare-headed; he is smoking a pipe._
MAGNUS
I intended running in on you in a moment, my boy—
ONFROY (_nodding to all_)
Where is the Chub? (_Nods toward laboratory_) Elixir-of-lifing? (_With
real pleasure_) How are you, Charlotte Corday? (_Shakes Mrs. Felix’s
hand_) Where do you buy those pink cheeks? I couldn’t paint better ones
myself.
MRS. FELIX
These aren’t painted—they’re anger.
ONFROY
With Clarissa Henbane, as usual?
FANNY
Please don’t take liberties, Mr. Onfroy.
ONFROY
When I take liberties with you, Lydia Languish, I condescend.
(_Pointedly turning his back_) Anger?
MAGNUS (_chuckling_)
And women love him for it; they love him, the coxcomb! They used to
pay him five thousand dollars, less for their portraits than for the
slangings he gave them—(_this while Mrs. Felix explains to Onfroy in
undertone_)
FANNY (_pale with rage_)
Mr. Magnus, please don’t include me in your generalities—I am not like
other girls—
[_Mrs. Felix finishes explaining._
ONFROY (_turning_)
That one remark proves you are, dear Lady Disdain. It is one of the
ninety-and-nine banalities that make up what the average young woman
calls her opinions. Another is the following remark addressed to men
who are sane about women: “Ah, wait until you meet the right one!”
MAGNUS (_still chuckling_)
They love it—love it! Fanny pretends not to; but that’s because she
knows he’s married and she can’t get him. If the boy in there treated
you as this coxcomb does my daughter, you wouldn’t mind living on
_nothing_ a year in the Sahara Desert.
FANNY
Mr. Magnus—
MAGNUS
Oh, I know—Olive was all you are, Fanny, and more. Then along comes
the coxcomb. In three weeks she’s telling me he says he can’t afford
to marry her—and won’t I please settle a dowry on them so that he can
give up portrait painting where all the women are wild about him—marry
her—and settle down to art for art’s sake.
ONFROY
I’ll say this for you, Ivan the Terrible: you were game; took your
medicine standing up; came across with the dowry like a little man,
thereby earning the thanks of every true lover of art. No more
pot-boilers, no more portraits, no more demnition fool chromos for the
demnition fool public! You’ve got yourself into history, Kubla Khan.
You will live as my patron.
MAGNUS
The way we poor financiers are patronized! It’s the second time I’ve
been told that this morning—
ONFROY (_to Mrs. Felix_)
You’ve been praising me, Joan of Arc?
MRS. FELIX
The thought of you hasn’t crossed my mind in weeks, Sir Egotist.
ONFROY
Oh, the Chub? (_Glancing at laboratory_) Right, too! (_To Magnus_)
Endow him, Governor. The other thing is damnable—downright damnable.
I’ll say this—and me saying it means a lot—I’m nobody compared to
him. (_Hastily_) Not personally! I should have said: “Art’s nothing
to his sort of science” (_To Fanny_) One little bit of pink and white
prettiness stopping the greatest thing science ever tackled!
FANNY (_goes to the Judge, stopping her ears while Onfroy talks;
then tearfully_) Judge Critty, you’re the only one with the least
chivalry. Why should I be abused so? Because I want my husband to have
some pleasure in life? Instead of frowsing in smelly chemicals all
day—risking his life—
VANILLITY
Oh, no, my dear Miss Felix! Oh, no! (_Eagerly_) No risk!—Not the
slightest! It’s as peaceful, as harmless as—as—
[_A succession of sharp reports like pistol-shots ring out. The
folding-doors are thrown back and H. Addington Agnus stumbles in
backward and sits down, staring blankly, seeing nothing. Smoke arises
from the laboratory. As it clears away, Agnus rushes back again,
examines something through a microscope._
FANNY (_sharply_)
Addington, stop making yourself ridiculous. (_She goes into the
laboratory and shakes him_)
AGNUS (_comes to, as one who has been in a trance_)
My own—my darling! (_Embraces her_)
FANNY (_wriggling_)
Addington! There are peo—(_muffled by kiss_)—ple here, I tell
you—(_Releases herself_)
AGNUS (_not seeing anyone else, abstractedly_)
Just had a most successful discovery—chemical—out of my line,
rather—but—(_Seizes and kisses her again_)
FANNY
Addington! Don’t you see there are visitors?
[_Agnus turns and almost collapses; then he turns away from the rest
again._
FANNY (_taking hold of him_)
Mr. Magnus—
AGNUS
Oh, Lord!
FANNY (_pulls him out, protesting_)
Mr. Magnus—and—
ONFROY
Hello, Chub! How’s the Chub? Celebrated Chub, eh?
[_Agnus has, in his embarrassment, been going from one to another,
shaking hands._
JUDGE CRITTY } Your success warms me like
} old wine, my boy.
}
VANILLITY } My dear pupil; I have an
} (_almost excuse for having lived.
} simultaneously_)
MAGNUS } The heartiest congratulations.
}
MRS. FELIX } Addington—you’re a great
} man.
[_Now that he is nearer, one perceives that Agnus is a youthful,
enthusiastic, absent-minded genius, with a strong face save for his
unsophisticated juvenile glance. This is now hidden, for he wears
heavy tortoise-shell spectacles; also white trousers and tunic,
heavily braided at collar and sleeves and along trousers legs—an old
army uniform in fact, with insignia stripped off, though the buttoned
shoulder-straps remain._
MAGNUS
May I re-admit Mr. Tromper, Loo? (_He opens the hallway door_) Tromper!
[_Tromper enters just as Agnus has shaken the last hand._
FANNY (_hastening over_)
Addington—the man who made the offer—Mr. Tromper—
TROMPER
Pleasedtermeetcher—
[_Agnus shakes hands with Tromper, muttering and looking puzzled._
FANNY
You know, on the telephone this morning—
AGNUS (_turning away: utterly forgetting Tromper_)
Fanny, you didn’t mean that, did you? Of course you didn’t—I know you
didn’t! Why—after me winning the prize—
TROMPER (_walking around and facing him again_)
That’s why we make the offer, Doctor—
FANNY (_dangerously_)
You’re going back on your word, Addington?
AGNUS (_turning his back, forgetting Tromper again_)
Fanny, I forgot all about it. I began experimenting and—
FANNY
Forgot your word of honor—for smelly chemicals—
AGNUS
Fanny!
TROMPER (_again, to the amusement of the others, walking around to face
him_) We wouldn’t take up _all_ your time, you know, doctor.—After
hours you could go on with your work—
ONFROY
Correspondence-course immortality—a few hours every night will open
every door for you—even immortality—
MRS. FELIX
Don’t accept, Addington—
ONFROY
By no means, Chub—_Never!_
JUDGE CRITTY (_clearing throat_)
You have said you valued my opinion, my dear lad: you have called me a
second father—
ONFROY
And Little Red Riding Hood called the wolf grandmother, too. (_To
Agnus_) Decline it!
FANNY
Good day to you, Addington! (_She is at the garden door; Agnus rushes
over to her; she throws off his hand_) You’ve broken your word.
Good-bye!
AGNUS
Good-bye?
[_The rest remain farther down the stage, watching the couple with
curiosity._
FANNY
I’ll _send_ your ring and your letters—
[_The following colloquy is held in half-whispers to give impression
that the others do not hear it._
AGNUS
But, Fanny—
FANNY
I told you, this was your chance. I can’t wait to marry until I’m gray.
AGNUS (_excitedly_)
But you love me?
[_Fanny shrugs her shoulders._
AGNUS (_wildly_)
You’re tired of me?
FANNY
No, of waiting.
AGNUS (_seizing her wrists_)
You don’t care for anybody else?
[_Fanny turns away._
AGNUS (_madly_)
Say you don’t! Say you don’t!
FANNY (_impatiently_)
No! But I’ll try to—hereafter. Let me go. You’re making a _scene_!
(_Wrenches herself away and goes out; he follows_)
ONFROY (_viciously_)
He needs a guardian. (_Points to laboratory_) He leaves his wits in
there: hat-checks his brains.
MRS. FELIX
But he hat-checks _more_ brains than all of us carry around everywhere.
ONFROY
It’s damnable! (_At the window_) Here he comes back—you win. It’s
written all over his face.
AGNUS (_enters again_)
She’s given me time to think it over. (_To Onfroy_) She’s gone on to
see Olive.
ONFROY (_to Magnus_)
Yes, since you long-distanced, Olive’s worried everybody in the house
nearly to death for fear her luncheon wouldn’t be grand enough for you
New Yorkers. I told her: “Olive, when an artist entertains business
men, he condescends—”
MAGNUS
A favorite word of coxcombs. (_He goes toward door_) Tromper included?
ONFROY (_making a face_)
Oh, I suppose so.
MAGNUS
Tromper!
TROMPER (_swelling with righteous wrath and the desire to say “I’m as
good as you are” but afraid to insult Magnus’s son-in-law_) I’ll eat at
the Club here—thank you. (_Stalks forward in dignity_)
MAGNUS
Tromper! (_Tromper is immediately extinguished_) Come along!
[_They go out._
ONFROY (_to Judge Critty_)
Olive’s expecting you, too. Don’t mind what I said. Go ahead. Poo-bah!
JUDGE CRITTY
I take you with the usual salt, Onfroy. (_Recovers his dignity by
having thus made light of Onfroy_) Professor!
VANILLITY (_to Agnus_)
My dear lad—I—
JUDGE CRITTY
Tom!
[_Vanillity, feeling very wretched, shakes Agnus’s hand. As the Judge’s
back is turned, he shakes his head vigorously. They go out._
FANNY (_outside_)
Mother, are you coming!
MRS. FELIX (_to Onfroy, hurriedly_)
She’ll come back if I stay. Argue the boy out of it—do. Addington,
listen to Noel. (_She goes_)
ONFROY (_alone with Agnus_)
Now, you bally ass; you Simon Simple; you Babe-in-the-Wood; you Hans
Clodhopper; you Little Claus; you—you everything that is asinine—listen
to me; if you accept, I’ll never speak to you again!
AGNUS
And—if I don’t—_she won’t!_
ONFROY
More than that, you Lilliputian brain-storm, I’ll publish your infamy
in every medical and scientific journal—in every newspaper and
magazine, too, not controlled by this money-mad crew. You!—the biggest
man in science—to make a nigger-slave of yourself for jews-harps and
frill-fralls! Go part your hair in the middle and comb it over your
forehead! You’ve got a forehead under false pretences. Your hair ought
to grow into your eyes. Your eyes should close together like a smelt’s.
You ought to have a chin running due south. Your head ought to look
like a chipmunk’s or like a Bartlett pear.—Bah!
AGNUS
Life’s nothing without her?
ONFROY
You read that in a book. You won’t be sure you know her when the
fashions in women’s clothes change. You’re mad with the madness of a
man who has never lived with women before.
AGNUS
I thank Heaven—in that way—I’m worthy of her!
ONFROY
Oh, you fish! You eel! Worthy of her? She isn’t worthy to carry your
coat! You’re Addington Agnus, the man who won the Nobel prize—try to
remember the name—_Addington Agnus_.
AGNUS
You’ve never loved, Noel—
ONFROY
A dozen times. And if Olive made me dissatisfied tomorrow, I might love
a dozen times more before I got satisfied again. Marriage made me.
It’ll ruin you. Before I married, I was a pot-boiling portrait-painter.
Now I’m the great Noel Onfroy, the American Velasquez. Love should
serve genius. It’s more important for me to paint good pictures than to
be foolish for six months or a year with some woman who doesn’t know a
Michael Angelo from a Christy chromo—or who thinks Gibson is a great
artist. Now, Fanny doesn’t know the difference between your work and
that of some tame rabbit in a hutch discovering cheaper ways of tanning
leather and dyeing cheese-cloth—
AGNUS
Olive didn’t know anything about art when you met her.
ONFROY
No, but I soon made her learn. I told her if she didn’t I wouldn’t
marry her. And I didn’t, either, until she spent a year in one of the
Julian studios learning how little she was and how big art was.—You
ought to send Fanny to a School of Science before you marry her—
AGNUS (_miserably_)
She’d laugh at me if I _suggested_ it.
ONFROY (_angrily_)
Vain, sickening puss-in-boots!
AGNUS (_angrily_)
Noel, you’re talking of the woman I love—
[_Outside a figure is seen at that moment darting through the bushes,
trying to hide, and finally crouching down._
ONFROY
Of the minx you love; the caterwauling, manicured, massaged,
Paris-gowned cocodette you love—
AGNUS (_furious_)
Cocodette?
ONFROY
A cocotte who keeps chemically pure because she knows she’ll fetch a
higher price in the marriage market—a married kept-up lady—
[_Agnus jumps up as if to strike him._
ONFROY (_sombrely_)
Don’t do it. I could break you in two.
AGNUS (_low_)
That finishes us—our friendship—
ONFROY (_with real feeling_)
I’m sorry—I spoke for your good: to bring you to your senses, Chub—
[_Agnus turns away._
ONFROY
All right.—Only—you won’t accept that offer, will you?
AGNUS
I intend to marry the woman I love. The woman whose shoestrings you
aren’t fit to—
ONFROY
Quoting Chambers—McCutcheon novels again—novels written for
fudge-munching slatternly wives to read on their way to an equally
trashy matinée—their house-work undone—Fanny Felixes without money—
AGNUS (_turning wildly_)
The Devil give me strength to thrash you within an inch of your life!
[_Onfroy catches hold of his hands._
AGNUS (_helpless_)
The Devil give me strength—
[_The hitherto crouching figure shoots up outside and a face becomes
visible at the window. Neither one of the men inside sees it._
ONFROY
You fool! You fool! (_Throws Agnus from him and goes out slamming the
door behind him_)
[_The face at the window turns to see Onfroy go hurriedly by. Agnus,
rushing after him, throws open the door, thus disclosing a man in the
garden who is waiting to enter._
MAN
Did I hear my name mentioned? (_Enters. He is as unlike the popular
conceptions of The Devil as possible, being short, squat, respectable,
fat and Teutonic. He is followed by a queer light that darts and
circles the ceiling_) You called me, I think! (_He closes the door_)
AGNUS (_backing_)
What! What!
MAN (_seating himself comfortably_)
You called me—
AGNUS
You? Who are you?—
MAN
My real name is Wisdom. You called me The Devil.
[_The light flashes across his face and circles around him._
AGNUS
I—you—!
THE DEVIL
You said: “The Devil give me strength.”
AGNUS
You—The Devil. (_Suddenly convulsed with laughter, sits down_)
THE DEVIL (_gruffly_)
Oh, I know, I look like the devil, but not like _The Devil_. But this
was the only body handy when I got back from Mars the last time, so I
had to take it—
[_The light darts viciously at him._
THE DEVIL (_points to the light, laughing_)
There’s the real owner of this carcass—a crazy German anarchist.—He was
howling for The Devil just as you were—wanted me to help blow up all
the capitalists—
[_The light attacks him again._
THE DEVIL
Tags after his foolish body, hoping I’ll get tired of it and give it
back, I suppose.—And so I will when I find a better one. It’s no fun
for a fiend of my renowned gentlemanly appearance to be masquerading as
a Dutch comedian. Worse than that—the police are looking for it. That’s
why I was hiding in your garden when I happened to hear you call me.
The Devil, in jail—a fine tale to take back to Mars.
AGNUS (_aghast_)
Man, you should be in some lunatic asylum—
MAN
Don’t call me “man.” That’s a deadly insult. If ever a respectable
Martian was sick of anything, it’s that unreasonable ignorant
ridiculous combination of poll-parrot and monkey—
AGNUS
Poor lunatic! I must humor you, I suppose.—Have you forgotten there
have been _great_ men?
THE DEVIL
Never. I have been all the great men in history. All the great men have
been The Devil: alias Wisdom. By taking possession of men’s bodies I
have tried to set up an ideal to strive for, set the race an example.
And then, when I had to quit and go back to Mars, each time the human’s
little soul came back to its body and, finding itself with too much
power, was responsible for all the inconsistencies, treacheries, and
cruelties that have puzzled psychologists and historians—
AGNUS
You are a plausible lunatic, anyway. Would you mind mentioning who you
were, for instance—
THE DEVIL
Oh, all the first-rate fellows—Confucius, Buddha, Mahomet—St.
Augustine, Martin Luther, Moses—to mention a few—Shakespeare,
Dickens—those were my sentimental days—
AGNUS (_amused_)
Oh! you wrote Shakespeare’s plays, did you?—
THE DEVIL
All the _good_ ones—
AGNUS (_laughing boisterously_)
Well, that’s settled anyway—Bacon didn’t do it, after all—
THE DEVIL
Yes, he did—I was Bacon, too.
AGNUS (_with ironical politeness_)
Been anybody lately?
THE DEVIL
Bernard Shaw was my last appearance. Just before my last trip to Mars.
I see he’s made good use of the plays I wrote for him; produced some
very good imitations; caught my style, so to speak. I was sorry to
leave Shaw. I was having rather better success waking up the world than
usual. But I simply _had_ to go back to Mars—
AGNUS (_with increasing irony_)
Really? Why?
THE DEVIL
It’s my home. When news came there some ten thousand years ago that man
was evolving into a thinking brute, the Martians realized the dawning
intellect would need a guide. I was the most ignorant of all Martians—I
had tried to lead a revolt to make the body independent of the spirit.
So, instead of going on to a higher mental state—my soul transferred
from planet to planet until finally I should reach the Sun, which is
the perfection of the soul—instead of that, I was sentenced to stand
still for ten thousand years; to act as the link between Mars and the
Earth; to make men fit for Mars, d’you understand?
AGNUS (_faltering_)
_One_ of us is insane, that is certain.
THE DEVIL
Mars, you will remember, is red. That’s where your dim poetic
devil-makers got their hell-fire from.
[_Agnus holds his head._
THE DEVIL
The only true thing they tell about me is that I tempted man through
woman to wisdom. I have been hated and reviled as wisdom always is.
But my sentence of exile will soon be over—the ten thousand years will
soon be up—and then I can quit ridiculous man forever and go to school
again to fit myself for the Sun.
[_The light darts impatiently around._
THE DEVIL
I wish that ridiculous Dutchman’s soul would quit bothering me! (_To
the light_) Isn’t it enough that you’ve got me hiding from the police,
you imbecilic disembodied spirit? (_To Agnus_) Who was that handsome
fellow in the velvet jacket who just ran out of here? I’ve been
following him about for days hoping he’ll ask my help. Then I could
give this preposterous paunch back to that light comedian over there.
(_Points to light_) And I hope the police get it.
AGNUS
You’re a scientific kind of a lunatic, right enough. Souls do leave
their bodies during sleep or hypnotism or—
THE DEVIL (_satirically_)
Oh, you’ve discovered that, have you? Only fancy!
AGNUS
An ordinary lunatic would have pretended he could change himself into
_anything_, if he was The Devil—
THE DEVIL
As soon as I take human shape, naturally I’m bound by human laws. And
each time I get back from Mars, I must circulate around until some
one calls for me. There are always plenty of people calling for The
Devil. And then I have no choice—I must take the first I hear and
change when I can. And so I’m chained to this refugée until I get
something better—like that velvet-jacket fellow’s body, for instance.
(_Suddenly_) Is he married?
AGNUS
Who? Noel Onfroy! Yes—I’m mad—overwork, I suppose—(_suddenly clouded_)
worry! I don’t wonder I’m mad; I don’t wonder! (_Feels his head and
closes his eyes_)
THE DEVIL
Oh, too bad he’s married. I should have thought of that before. I’d
rather be a single Dutch comedian than a married Adonis. It’s bad
enough being tied to one human body, let alone two. (_Looks around
and sees that the light has disappeared_) The Dutchman’s gone, eh? He
goes back to his foolish attic every now and then to see if the police
have found any bombs yet. There are seven sewed up in the mattress—and
I don’t dare take them out of the house for fear the police may be
watching for a man with a suit-case. That Dutchman will get me in jail
yet.
AGNUS (_holding his head and looking at The Devil between the palms of
his hands_) You use singularly unclassical language for the Fount of
All Wisdom—
THE DEVIL
The American language. When I’m in England, I use English.—By the way,
are _you_ married?
AGNUS
I? (_Holds his head harder_)
THE DEVIL (_understanding_)
Not, eh? Well? (_He rises, advancing on Agnus, viewing him
speculatively, and finally approvingly_)
AGNUS (_alarmed, dimly conscious_)
Here! What now?
THE DEVIL (_fixing his eyes on Agnus_) You don’t believe in me?
AGNUS
Why—er—what are you doing? (_In panic_) Don’t look at me like that.
(_He starts up_)
THE DEVIL
Sit down!
[_Agnus struggles but sits down._
THE DEVIL
You called for me to help you. I’m going to. (_He goes to the windows
and pulls down the blinds_)
AGNUS
Here! What! (_He tries to rise but only sits starkly upright with
staring eyes. A faint luminosity glows over his head_)
[_The Devil pulls up the chair close; their knees touch. He leans
forward, staring into Agnus’s eyes. The luminosity grows brighter about
Agnus’s head, rises little by little, flickers and flutters. Meanwhile
a dull crimson light has glowed over The Devil’s head, and now it grows
steadily and moves across the space until it rests on Agnus’s head,
where it settles and sinks downward, disappearing._
THE DEVIL (_rising, in Agnus’s body_)
Take the Dutchman’s body, doctor—I’ve got yours—(_A second luminosity
glows at window_) Quick! Here comes the Dutchman back. Take his body,
or you’ll be homeless. It’s not much but it’s the only one I’ve got to
give you. Quick! I need you!
[_Each of the two luminosities dart toward the senseless body. One
settles and disappears. The other flies viciously around and around the
head. The Devil lets up the shades, shaking with laughter._
THE DEVIL
I hardly dare ask so impertinent a question—but which soul won?
AGNUS (_in the Dutchman’s body_)
You scoundrel! You fiend! You blackguard!
THE DEVIL
That might be either! The language of men is strikingly similar under
great loss. Who are you? The rightful owner or an usurper?
AGNUS (_shaking and trembling with rage_)
Give me back my body, or I’ll kill you—
THE DEVIL
Kill me? You can only kill your own nice attractive body. You’ll suffer
for any harm done to it when I give it back. So don’t knock out any
teeth, or you’ll have toothache all your life.
[_The light has been darting viciously between The Devil and Agnus._
THE DEVIL
Oh, go home to your bombs again, Schwartzenhopfel! This gentleman
didn’t want your old body. When he sees how ridiculous it looks on him,
he’s liable to shoot himself—or yourself. Nobody can love a body like
that. (_He draws aside curtains hiding a mirror set in the wall_) I
leave it to you, Agnus. Can you blame me for wanting to get rid of it?
[_Agnus, seeing himself as a short squat German, staggers back
clutching his throat._
THE DEVIL (_having smoothed down his coat lapels so as to reveal a silk
shirt, and twisted the carelessly tied necktie to a smart shape, takes
off tortoise-shell spectacles, presenting, instead of the absorbed
scientist, a young debonair man of fashion_) Now—am I a lunatic?
(_Searches pockets and finds a letter_)
AGNUS
You—Devil—
THE DEVIL (_correcting him suavely as he exhibits the address on the
letter_) Dr. Agnus, please!
CURTAIN
THE SECOND ACT
_The scene and the time are unchanged, although one minute may have
elapsed since the last word was spoken. During this time Agnus has
realized his misfortune. His face has ceased to be agonized and is now
only blank._
_The Devil still stands at the back of the chair, twirling Agnus’s
former moustache and admiring himself._
_The light is stationary._[1]
[Footnote 1: It must be remembered that when the word Agnus is written,
it means Agnus’s spirit; not his body, that is now The Devil’s.]
THE DEVIL
With these slight alterations in your dress, your face lighted up with
my attractive smile (_smiles_) and my bold intelligent gaze, you are a
handsome fellow, Agnus—by Saturn, a handsome fellow! I really believe
I’d rather have this body than that velvet-jacketed fellow’s—
AGNUS (_pleadingly_)
Don’t say that. It’s not much of a body. I have all sorts of pains
and aches—neglect, you know. You’ll be ill half your time. You won’t
have _any_ fun. Now this body (_strikes the Dutchman’s_) may not be
good-looking, but what’s that? It’s a fine healthy body—a sound body—
[_The light bobs up and down; as though nodding sorrowfully._
THE DEVIL
In that case you’re better off than you were. You ought to thank me.
[_The light darts at him._
THE DEVIL
I wish I could lose that German.
AGNUS (_feverishly_)
I _do_ thank you—physically. But that isn’t it. I’m engaged—to a girl.
She—she—she won’t know me in this body—
THE DEVIL
Engaged to a girl! Engaged!—(_Blankly_) Has the time been set for
marriage?
AGNUS
No, but—
THE DEVIL
Oh, well, that’s all right. I can get rid of her.
AGNUS
Get rid of her? Get rid of her! (_Wildly_) What do you mean?
THE DEVIL (_with a gesture_)
Scat, girl, scat! Chase her away!
AGNUS
Oh! you (_runs at him, fist clenched_)
THE DEVIL
Don’t forget yourself and break your own nose.
AGNUS
Oh, what am I to do? What am I to do? (_Agonizedly_) Oh, don’t chase
her away.
THE DEVIL
What then? Want me to hug her? Kiss her?
AGNUS
Oh, my God, no!
THE DEVIL
Well?
AGNUS
You don’t have to _kiss_ her!—
THE DEVIL
If I don’t kiss her, she’ll be kissing me—
AGNUS
Kissing you!
THE DEVIL
It’s always the neglectful one gets kissed.
AGNUS
She’s got too much dignity to kiss a man without being kissed!
THE DEVIL
Then she doesn’t love you—
AGNUS
She does love me!
THE DEVIL
When a woman loves a man, she doesn’t care which one kisses first so
long as they kiss. I’m glad she doesn’t love you. If she did, rudeness
and neglect, even knocking her down, would only make her love you more.
But women get very dignified when a man they don’t love ill-treats
them. They’re only too glad of an excuse to be rid of him.
AGNUS
I know now everything ever written about you is true. To hit a woman!
To hit a woman!
THE DEVIL
An empty bureau-drawer is best. It makes a lot of noise, scares them to
death, and doesn’t really hurt them at all.
AGNUS
You devil!
THE DEVIL
Dr. Agnus, please. A very neat little book could be written on
the psychology of beating children and women—for their own good,
of course! Never hurt them: that’s very coarse! A blow should be
simply a little more effective than the strongest word—and should
never be used until the last threat is exhausted. Of course, if your
vocabulary is limited—(_Shrugs his shoulders_) That’s why there’s so
much wife-beating among the lower classes. The really well-educated
man doesn’t need to beat his wife—when he can swear at her in seven
different languages—
[_The light darts viciously at him._
AGNUS
You devil!
THE DEVIL
Dr. Agnus, please. (_Indicating the light_) The Dutchman is angry, too.
He thinks it’s all right to blow up a building with a couple of hundred
people in it. But to lift a hand against a woman “save in kindness”—oh,
my!
[_The light is suddenly still._
THE DEVIL
And you, doctor, vivisect dogs oblivious to their screams of agony. But
you’d refuse to speak to the man who inflicted a harmless blow on his
wife. Oh, you ridiculous humans!
AGNUS
Vivisection saves many a civilized man.
THE DEVIL
A blow at the right time saves many a civilized woman. Women have only
begun to be civilized—since I posed as a woman once or twice: George
Eliot, George Sand, and a few others. You don’t laugh this time as you
did when I said I was Shakespeare and Shaw—
[_Agnus wrings his hands and walks away._
THE DEVIL
You see I discovered—in spite of all my work—that as soon as I built
men up to a highly civilized state, they fell right down again. There
was Egypt—look at the Pyramids. There was Greece—I was proud of
Greece—its philosophy—drama—architecture—I’ve never done so well since.
There was Rome. What fellows those Romans were—owned the world. There
was Spain—so did she. England! I still have hopes of England under my
new system. But what happened to the others? Smash! Crash! Bang! And I
had to start training savages again. I didn’t realize what the matter
was—I tried every system—and then, when England started to smash, my
eyes opened—the fault was women—
AGNUS
Why, women have always been our refining influences. They draw out our
nobler selves.
THE DEVIL
They draw out your sentimental selves, cunning minxes. Men were
dragged down, their philosophy sapped, their reason rotted, by living
with inferior creatures. You see, while men were out battling with
circumstances and learning to use their brains, women were slaves. Had
brains, right enough, but didn’t get a chance to use them. Men played
the grand act with them (_imitating a pompous man’s tone_): “Now don’t
bother your little head about that, dearie, papa’ll fix it.” Well,
about the beginning of the last century, I realized I must let men
alone for awhile—and work on women. So first, I created an industrial
revolution that would send women out to work in the world—like men—
AGNUS (_angrily_)
That proves what a devil you are! (_Sentimentally_) Ah, those good
old days when every father could support his daughter until she
married—when every wife was in her true sphere—the home.
THE DEVIL (_contemptuously_)
That shows how men’s brains have gone back while I worked on women.
I was so absorbed in women that I forgot men for fifty years until,
thoroughly alarmed, I created Bernard Shaw out of an ordinary Irish wit
by becoming _him_—
AGNUS (_sarcastically_)
Oh, you weren’t Ibsen, then?
THE DEVIL
Oh, yes, I was Ibsen. But that was in the cause of women’s education—to
champion the New Woman—
AGNUS
Is there any great man you were not?
THE DEVIL
No great ones. Well, my work on woman has been effective. She’s learned
in fifty years what men took thousands to learn. In another fifty
she’ll be men’s mental equal. And her sons will be Supermen. Then the
world will be able to get along without me—
[_There is a ring at the door._
AGNUS (_jumps up and is about to open the door, but remembers his
changed appearance; he peers agonizedly out of window and starts_) It’s
Fanny—Fanny!
THE DEVIL
The girl?
AGNUS
Yes, yes! She’s come for her answer?
[_Fanny rings irritatedly._
AGNUS (_to The Devil_)
Just say: “I accept, Fanny—go back and get the others.” There’s no time
to explain.
THE DEVIL
Will she go if I say that?
AGNUS
Yes, yes!
[_Fanny rings again._
THE DEVIL
An arrogant minx, apparently. You’ve trained her badly. But we’ll soon
fix that!
AGNUS
Will you go—please! She’ll look in the window in a moment and see me—I
mean you—please go!
THE DEVIL
What shall I say?
AGNUS
“I accept, Fanny—go back and get the others.” But no putting your arm
around her: no kissing!
THE DEVIL
No fear! I wish I were sure she wouldn’t kiss me—
[_Fanny rattles the knob; the door is opened impatiently, and she
enters angrily._
THE DEVIL (_immediately_)
Fanny, I accept: go and get the others.
FANNY
Oh, there you are! Why did you keep me ringing there like a fool?
THE DEVIL
Was that ringing like a fool’s? Suppose you go out now and ring like a
sensible person—just to see if I can tell the difference!
[_Fanny appears dumfounded and cannot find words. The Devil smiles
encouragingly at her._
AGNUS (_wildly_)
Fanny, I give you my word—
[_Fanny stares at him. Agnus realizes his position and grows
shamefacedly silent._
THE DEVIL (_introducing Agnus_)
My friend, Mr. Schwartzenhopfel. A very nice fellow—with a ridiculous
name.
[_The light darts at him viciously._
THE DEVIL
Heard me speak so much of you—feels like an old friend.—Call her
“Fanny,” Schwartzenhopfel. Call him “Hop,” Fanny—“Hop” for short.
FANNY (_recovering her breath_)
You’ve been drinking!
THE DEVIL
You must learn to love Hop, Fanny. If I should die, I should never want
you to marry anyone but Hop. (_With a tremendous slap on Agnus’s back_)
[_The light darts._
FANNY
I can’t understand your conduct, Addington? I’m at a loss!
THE DEVIL
Why—
[_Agnus punches him in the ribs._
THE DEVIL (_recollecting_)
Oh! it’s all right, Fanny. It’s all right! (_Carefully_)
Fanny—I—accept—go—and—get—the—others—
FANNY
You _do_ accept?
THE DEVIL
Fanny, I accept. Go and get the others.
FANNY
You accept—
THE DEVIL
Fanny, I accept. Go and—
FANNY (_kissing him_)
You dear old darling!
[_The Devil puts his arm about her with a sly wink at the raging Agnus._
FANNY
Now you can set the wedding for any date you please—next month if you
like—
[_The Devil takes his arm away._
FANNY
You’ve made me the happiest girl in the world—(_Kisses him again_)
THE DEVIL (_in a hollow tone_)
Go and get the others.
FANNY
I will. I will. Oh, you dear! (_Kisses him again and goes out through
the upper door in the rear_)
[_The Devil turns a look of reproachful and frigid dignity on Agnus.
The light dances about in joyful hatred._
THE DEVIL (_to the light_)
Get out of here, you Teutonic accident! (_To Agnus_) Dug a little share
for me, didn’t you? Married next month!
AGNUS (_alarmed_)
I don’t want her to marry you.
THE DEVIL
Then why tell me to “accept, Fanny, go and get the others,” eh?
AGNUS
Didn’t have to have time to explain everything to you?
THE DEVIL
What did I accept?
AGNUS
One hundred thousand dollars a year: chief chemist to the John Magnus
works—
THE DEVIL
Who are “the others” she went to get?
AGNUS
John Magnus—
THE DEVIL (_interrupting_)
The richest man in the world—isn’t he?
AGNUS (_contemptuously_)
I thought The Devil knew everything—
THE DEVIL
Everything worth knowing—but I can’t keep track of the petty things.
AGNUS
Petty? John Magnus—while not the richest man—controls the money-market.
Petty?
THE DEVIL
Any man with brains enough to control money-markets might be a
_fifth_-rate scientist, a fourth-rate painter, or a third-rate author!
He must be petty if he’s willing to be nothing but a first-class
financier. One thing I never was—a financier! Couldn’t waste my time.
Financiers, lawyers, stock-jobbers, and thieves generally are the
tumors on the human race! When I get through training women, their
superman sons will be the surgeons who remove those tumors—(_Suddenly_)
I see! She wants you to give up science for a paying job under
Magnus—eh?
AGNUS
Why—
THE DEVIL
Enough! What was your line?
AGNUS
Well—to explain quickly—but not quite accurately—immortality—
THE DEVIL
The devil you say! Pardon my using human terms! But—immortality!
AGNUS
I’ve made an animal’s functions live after the animal died.
THE DEVIL
That’s enough. And without my help! Why, that was my very next job!
To take some scientist’s body for a few years and start the world on
the path toward longer life. Of course, immortality of the body is all
rot. It’s bound to wear out some time. But—five hundred years—that’s
possible. It would save putting souls back into new-borns. For it
takes a hundred ordinary human lives to be ready for Mars. Out of
all the billions of men who have lived, we have only a few thousand
earth-people up there. The second-rate geniuses—Napoleon, Caesar,
George Washington, Tamerlane—all the second-raters—
AGNUS
Napoleon—Caesar—Washington—second-raters?
THE DEVIL
Of course! All the first-raters were—(_points to himself_) All soldiers
are second-rate. Just as all financiers are about tenth-rate—compared
to the great teachers, who help humanity to progress—like—like—(_struck
by a thought_) like you yourself. (_With an access of respect_)
Man—I’ll do the right thing by you! Before I quit this body—I’ll give
you the secret of making men live half a millennium.
ANGUS (_the man forgotten in the scientist_)
You will? (_Delightedly_) You will?
THE DEVIL (_shakes hands_)
And she was going to make you a hack?
AGNUS
Well, you see, she’s a very superior girl.
[_The Devil snorts._
AGNUS
And I really should give her the surroundings and luxuries that she’s
entitled to—being so superior a girl—
[_The Devil snorts again._
AGNUS
And the only money I ever made was that Nobel prize—
THE DEVIL (_starting_)
What? You won the Nobel prize?
[_Agnus nods._
THE DEVIL (_astounded_)
By Saturn, you’re the most startling combination of ass and genius I
ever met! Such modesty is actually first-rate—
ANGUS (_deprecatorily_)
Oh, don’t say that—
THE DEVIL
But such infatuation is hundredth-rate. Generally to be met with among
the middle classes—that is, the lowest class of intelligence—
AGNUS
The middle class—_lowest_?
THE DEVIL
Creatures of law and respectability always are. Aristocracy is
lower-class people getting intelligence. Middle-class people only get
money. There are hardly any American aristocrats—and those few live
abroad—
AGNUS
Nonsense! You wouldn’t call Miss Felix middle-class.
THE DEVIL
Miss Felix?
AGNUS
The young lady—
THE DEVIL
A person who’d burn up your genius in the fire that boils the pot?
Worse than middle-class—worthless—
AGNUS (_violently_)
Sir—
THE DEVIL
How can I get rid of her? For your own sake: how can I get rid of her?
[_Agnus clenches his fists._
THE DEVIL
I must play Davy Garrick again—do something to disgust her—
AGNUS (_violently ironical_)
Just treat her as you did a moment ago.
THE DEVIL
Trouble is: she left this room loving me—twenty times better than she
ever loved you. How can I help you—help humanity—with a drab like that
at my heels—?
AGNUS
You—(_about to strike_)
THE DEVIL (_laughs_)
Go on: disfigure yourself!
[_Agnus wrings his hands._
THE DEVIL (_crosses and recrosses the room; stares moodily out of
window with his hands behind back; then suddenly pointing outside the
window_) Who’s that?
AGNUS (_crossing and looking out_)
That actressy-looking creature?
THE DEVIL (_impatiently_)
Yes, yes—who is she?
AGNUS
Looking for lodgings, I believe. Had the impertinence to apply here—
THE DEVIL (_gloomily_)
She’s found them by this time, eh?
AGNUS (_with dignity_)
Nobody here takes lodgers. And the inn—the hotel—is for men only—
THE DEVIL
Hurrah!! (_He dashes out through the door and disappears; his voice is
heard outside_) Hi, there! Wait a minute!
[_The light settles sympathetically on Agnus’s shoulder._
AGNUS (_to the light_)
Poor devil! You’re worse off than I am.
[_The light wags dolefully._
AGNUS (_excitedly_)
He’s bringing her back—bringing her—_in_—_here_—
THE DEVIL (_outside_)
This way, Miss Blondin!
[_The Devil enters together with Doll Blondin, who is typical of
the Broadway idea of refinement and taste: dark blue Norfolk jacket
suit; small French skull-cap with tassel, her curly hair escaping
from beneath it; high collar and jabot of lace that falls almost to
her belt; short vamp suède pumps without toe-cap; preposterously high
Cuban heels. The combination of country suit with city shoes, of
jabot and lingerie waist—instead of tailored waist and plain collar
and tie—with cap suitable only for evening wear, serve to mark her as
one who dresses with instinctive taste but without the consistency of
the upper-class woman. However, she is a most attractive girl—about
twenty-three—and has an air of sophistication grafted on a babyish
ingenuousness, which makes anything she says quaintly pleasing._
DOLL BLONDIN (_turning to The Devil who has been following her in_) I
was told here you wouldn’t think of taking lodgers—
THE DEVIL
I wasn’t consulted—I need a pretty girl like you around the house just
now.
DOLL BLONDIN (_suspiciously_)
Look here—is there an older woman here—a housekeeper—
AGNUS (_with sudden wild hope_)
No, there isn’t.
DOLL BLONDIN (_to The Devil_)
Well, mind: no tricks!
THE DEVIL (_pained_)
My dear girl!
DOLL BLONDIN
I’m as much the lady (_primly_) as any you know, even if I am on the
stage. Anybody ’ud think I was a crocodile or some other wild beast the
way people stare. Not used to seeing girls who know how to dress, I
guess. What do these rubes know about class?
AGNUS (_in anguish_)
This is impossible!
DOLL BLONDIN (_eyeing him; to The Devil_)
Servant?
AGNUS
Madam!
DOLL BLONDIN
How _dare_ you call me “Madam”—
THE DEVIL
He’s a “rube,” as you say. Worse—a German “rube.”
[_The light darts viciously._
THE DEVIL
The worst kind of a “rube.” (_Going over to the window he calls hastily
to Agnus_) Ring for the servant, Schwartzenhopfel!
AGNUS (_violently_)
But I tell you—
THE DEVIL (_pointing to garden_)
Some people coming.
[_Agnus runs over to window; then he runs back and rings wildly._
DOLL BLONDIN
I’m here for studying. (_Severely_) That’s why I left New York where
gentlemen know how to treat ladies: real gentlemen—millionaires—that
could buy and sell this tank town. One of them gave me this chance; a
chance mighty few girls get—a part in a Vienna opera. No objections to
a piano, is there?
AGNUS
A piano? A piano!
THE DEVIL
No objection whatever. (_Points to Agnus_) My German friend will tune
it for you. One good thing about Germans—they can all tune pianos.
[_The light darts viciously._
TOPLISS (_enters from the stairway; an unintelligent but smart-looking
Englishman who wears a morning coat with gilt buttons; says to The
Devil_) You rang, sir?
THE DEVIL
The young lady will board here—
[_The bell at the garden door rings._
THE DEVIL (_hastily_)
On whatever terms she says—a room for her piano and her meals—and a
bedroom—
DOLL BLONDIN
And bath!
TOPLISS
There’s only two baths, sir—yours and mine—
THE DEVIL
Give her half of yours.
DOLL BLONDIN
Bathe in a servant’s bath-tub! I should say _not_—I’m as much of a lady
as—
THE DEVIL (_interrupting_)
I will share yours, Topliss.
DOLL BLONDIN (_contemptuously_)
You _must_ be hard up.
[_The bell is heard ringing again. Topliss goes to answer it._
AGNUS (_agonizedly_)
Show her to her rooms, Topliss.
[_Topliss looks haughtily at Agnus._
THE DEVIL
I’ll see to the door, Topliss.
[_Topliss takes the small hand-bag from Doll Blondin._
DOLL BLONDIN (_to Topliss, loftily_)
Next time you’ll see your master before turning people down.
[_Doll Blondin and Topliss go out by hall door._
THE DEVIL (_running to hall door and calling after Doll_) Come down
later and make yourself at home.
[_Agnus seats himself and buries his face in his hands groaning. The
Devil goes to door and admits John Magnus, Mrs. Felix and Fanny._
MAGNUS
Tromper, the Judge, and the Professor have gone for a ride around
Rothlyn. I thought—this having become a somewhat personal matter—
THE DEVIL (_whispering to Agnus_)
Magnus?
[_Agnus looks up despondently and nods._
THE DEVIL (_to Mrs. Felix, forgetting himself_)
No mistaking you: you’re one of my trained women. Any child you will
have—will be worth watching—
MRS. FELIX (_taken aback_)
What! What’s this? What? My poor boy! (_She puts her hand on The
Devil’s shoulder_)
FANNY
Addington doesn’t need your pity, mother!
THE DEVIL (_recollecting himself_)
Mother? Fanny’s mother! Oh, but that must have been when you were just
a favorite of the harem!
MRS. FELIX (_in amazement_)
Whatever has come over you? You—why, you—well—_you_ of all men! (_She
seats herself, staring at him with a sort of fascination_)
THE DEVIL
Your husband—
FANNY
We’ve had enough of poor father for one day, Addington. Let him rest in
his grave!
THE DEVIL
In his grave—good! I must find you another husband. One worthy of you.
For she (_indicates Fanny_) must be taking after her father.
MRS. FELIX (_rises and goes concernedly to The Devil; puts her hand
on his shoulder_) Boy, boy, what is it? _What_ is it? (_Suddenly_)
Addington, will you leave the room for a moment and (_looking at
Agnus_) take this gentleman with you? I wish to speak privately with—
THE DEVIL
You had plenty of time to speak privately with—before you came in. You
think I’ve gone mad, don’t you?
[_Mrs. Felix steps back, showing that she does._
THE DEVIL
You think Fanny’s driven me crazy by making me take Magnus’s offer?
Eh? (_Laughs_) Although, who knows? I’ve been called mad many times
before. Wisdom is always madness to the ignorant—and anyone too wise
for them to understand is a madman. Does this look like a madman?
(_Turns to Fanny_) I won’t take Magnus’s offer and I won’t marry you.
MAGNUS (_in amazement_)
You decline—after just accepting?
THE DEVIL
Without thanks! (_To Mrs. Felix, with an air of dismissal_) I hope to
see you soon again. Meanwhile, I’ll start hunting that husband for you.
(_He smiles amiably while all stare at him speechlessly: all animated
by the steadily growing conviction that he is utterly insane—although
his final words impress Mrs. Felix_)
MRS. FELIX (_after a breathless pause_)
It’s only a spell. It’ll pass. (_To Agnus_) A trip’s what you need—a
_long_ trip. No work. No thinking. Just rest.
THE DEVIL (_amused_)
Still diagnosing insanity?
MRS. FELIX
Oh, no! Everyone has restless spells. The excitement of the Nobel
prize—Mr. Magnus’s offer—Fanny—
FANNY
Don’t blame me, mother. I’m sure this is just what I expected—keeping
at those horrid microscopes day and night. It was for his own good I
advised him to accept.
THE DEVIL
Don’t lie, Fanny.
[_Agnus, agonized, makes gestures for The Devil to stop._
FANNY (_scandalized_)
Addington! If I thought you were responsible for what you’re saying—
THE DEVIL
Now see here—all of you. Here am I—Addington Agnus—the biggest
scientist in the world today. And here is Fanny Felix—a mere girl. And
because I suddenly realize my own importance and her lack of it, even
you (_reproachfully to Mrs. Felix_) think I am mad. Think, woman, think!
MRS. FELIX (_gasping_)
But, Addington—people don’t change their entire personalities in half
an hour—not naturally—
AGNUS (_eagerly_)
Of course they don’t! _You_ see it—
MAGNUS (_disregarding Agnus_)
Since the Doctor seems to know his own mind at last, I think we had
better leave him before he changes it again—this being the third change
in an hour—
THE DEVIL
Don’t go, Mr. Magnus. I’ve got something important to say to you. (_To
Fanny_) You can go, though—
[_Fanny has been so dumfounded since The Devil stigmatized her as a
“mere girl” that she has been unable to move._
THE DEVIL
Take her along, Mrs. Felix. Try to train her better—
MAGNUS
Dr. Agnus—when you grossly insult two ladies—my friends—
THE DEVIL (_impatiently_)
Well, why don’t they go, then?
FANNY (_recovering herself with an effort_)
Mr. Magnus—I—(_starts for door and opens it_)
[_The Devil has turned back, not even waiting to see Fanny go. Agnus,
half starting to detain her, half holding back, is altogether wild.
Mrs. Felix tugs at Fanny from the outside._
FANNY (_in a carefully restrained voice_)
Mr. Magnus!
MAGNUS
Coming! (_Starts to go_)
THE DEVIL
A moment, Mr. Magnus. (_Eyes him steadily_)
[_Magnus’s eyes waver._
MRS. FELIX (_coldly_)
When you come to your senses, Fanny, you will find me at Olive’s. (_She
goes out_)
FANNY
Mr. Magnus, will you pardon me—a moment. I have one last word to say to
this gentleman—one last word—
THE DEVIL
May it be true; but I’m afraid not.—In here, Mr. Magnus. (_Opens hall
door_)
[_Magnus attempts to meet The Devil’s gaze and fails. He goes out._
THE DEVIL (_takes out his watch_)
Now, one minute is all I can give you.
[_Fanny, restraining herself as before, points to Agnus._
THE DEVIL
Here, Schwartzenhopfel, get out!
AGNUS (_wildly_)
I will not! Fanny—this is all a mistake. This man is not me—not I, I
mean—not—
FANNY (_bitterly_)
Two lunatics!
THE DEVIL (_hustles Agnus to stairway_)
Get out!
AGNUS (_protesting_)
Fanny, I can explain everything—
[_The Devil pushes him up. Agnus ascends the stairs stumblingly._
THE DEVIL (_looks at his watch again—then at Fanny inquiringly; holds
watch in hand_) One minute.
FANNY
You lack even the commonest instincts of decency. I’m ashamed to think
my name was ever linked with yours.
THE DEVIL (_does not take eyes from the watch during the following
colloquy_) Twenty-two and one-half seconds gone.
FANNY (_raging_)
I only want you to know that I loathe and despise you. Thank Heaven,
I’m cured of my infatuation. If I were to hear you were dead, it
wouldn’t matter to me any more than the death of any other blackguard I
had the misfortune to know—
THE DEVIL
Ah, you know blackguards, do you? Thirty-nine and two-thirds seconds
gone—
FANNY
What I could have seen in you at any time I don’t know—I wonder at
myself—and I laugh—yes, laugh, I tell you—laugh to think I could have
been so taken in. I hate you! I hate you!! I hate you!!!
AGNUS (_who has crept down the stairs, reënters_)
Fanny, don’t say that—
[_The Devil picks up from table behind him a brass ornament and throws
it—his other hand still holding the watch as before. Agnus disappears
in order to dodge the ornament._
FANNY (_raging on through this by-play which she does not observe_) I
am going now, never to return. If you should see me again, look the
other way unless you wish to be cut before the whole world.
THE DEVIL (_snapping watch_)
Minute’s up. (_He goes to the door to admit Magnus_)
FANNY (_detaining him_)
I haven’t finished yet. (_She changes her attitude_)
THE DEVIL
Oh! you want another minute, eh? (_Takes out his watch again and
regards it steadily_)
FANNY
Don’t think I wish to detain you—Oh, no! (_She laughs sarcastically_)
Oh, no indeed!
THE DEVIL (_following the second hand of watch with finger while
echoing the laugh_) Oh—indeed not! Another ten seconds gone.
FANNY
I only didn’t want your sleep to be troubled—if people without
consciences are ever troubled. I didn’t want your sleep to be troubled,
I say, with the thought of any girl sobbing in secret. My heart is
quite whole, thank you. I have been simply playing a game all along.
You flattered yourself I loved you. (_Laughs almost successfully_) Oh,
the egotism of you men—
THE DEVIL
And half a minute gone.
FANNY
I never loved you—
AGNUS (_who has crept cautiously down again_)
Don’t say that, Fanny!
[_The Devil throws another brass ornament in the same way as before.
Agnus disappears, dodging._
FANNY (_talking on through this incident, which also goes unnoticed by
her_) Girls must marry somebody, you know—somebody—not that you should
be too much flattered by being called somebody—
THE DEVIL
Thirty-five seconds—and a third—
FANNY (_at a loss_)
No, indeed—(_Pauses_)
THE DEVIL
Oh, yes, I assure you—thirty-five and a third—forty, now—
FANNY
I never loved you—
THE DEVIL
You said that before—
FANNY (_viciously_)
And now I hate you—
THE DEVIL
You said that, too. You seem to be running out of ideas. Fifty-three
seconds gone, but I used three seconds myself and hereby credit you
with them. Fifty—
FANNY
I am going—
THE DEVIL
And—quite a coincidence—so is the time—
FANNY (_raging again_)
I am going, nev—
THE DEVIL
“’er to return.” Aren’t you going to say _anything_ new?—Too late!
Minute’s up! (_Starts for Magnus_)
FANNY (_still unbelievingly_)
You’ll let me go like this—without a word—
THE DEVIL
Without a _word_!
FANNY
Do you realize I am going out of your life forever—
THE DEVIL (_sighing heavily_)
What a chance!
FANNY
Well—I am—I’m going—
THE DEVIL
“Never to return”—don’t say it again—
FANNY
Oh, you are sorry—Oh, Addington! I knew you didn’t mean to be cruel.
(_She bursts into tears and throws her arms around him_)
THE DEVIL (_as she hangs about his neck_)
Hell! Or rather: Mars!
[_Agnus, who has crept up from behind, now urgently pokes The Devil in
the ribs. The Devil gladly transfers Fanny to him._
AGNUS (_enraptured, forgetting everything_)
Fanny! Fanny! My Own!
FANNY (_looking up_)
Ugh! Ugh! You horrible man!
[_The light darts at her._
FANNY (_wrenching herself loose, pushes Agnus into a chair; then she
almost screams with lost self-respect_) Addington Agnus! I’ll never
forgive you—never—never—never—(_She rushes out, violently slamming the
garden door behind her_)
AGNUS (_collapsing_)
Now, you’ve done it!
THE DEVIL (_irritatedly_)
When she was quarrelling with me, you were protesting. When she tried
to make up, you were protesting. And now that she’s gone, you’re
protesting.
AGNUS
I’ve lost her—lost her—
THE DEVIL (_grimly_)
Dollars to doughnuts, she’ll find some excuse to come back. I knew a
man once who went all the way from San Francisco back to Denver to get
a tooth-brush he had left at home. Of course, he didn’t go to see his
wife! Oh, no! He had quarrelled with her—hated the sight of her. But
how much more he hated losing that twenty-five-cent tooth-brush!
AGNUS
If you think she’ll be back after the way you just treated her, you may
know some women, but not well-bred ones—
THE DEVIL (_gloomily_)
“When it comes to a man in the case, they’re as like as a pair of new
pins.” I’ll have to spring the little actress on her yet, if I want to
get rid of her.
AGNUS
Oh, don’t do that! Don’t let her think it’s on account of another
woman—and such a woman—living in the house, too. She’ll never forgive
that. No nice woman would.
THE DEVIL
You lamb! I’ve known women—nice women, too, mind you—on whom such a
woman—as you call her—acted like a magnet. Not that they wanted to come
back! Oh, no! They wanted to save the man from an abandoned creature.
(_Instructively_) An abandoned creature, Agnus, is any other woman. No
matter how good her character is, they’ll say she’s under cover with
enough crime to crowd Callao—
[_There is a knock at the hall door._
THE DEVIL (_ironically looking toward hall door_)
Dear man! The controller of the money-market kept waiting by a mere
Nobel prize-winner! Terrible insolence! Get out, Schwartzenhopfel!
[_The light dances defiantly._
THE DEVIL (_pointing to Agnus_)
Oh, I mean—him! And don’t come sneaking down the stairway again, or
I’ll do some awful thing to disgrace you forever. Get out! See that the
young lady gets her trunks. (_Pushes him off upstairs_) No peeping,
mind!
[_Agnus goes disconsolately, looking back as he goes._
THE DEVIL (_to the light_)
Schwartzenhopfel, do you know who’s in there? (_Points to hallway_)
[_The light dances angrily._
THE DEVIL
The man you particularly wanted to blow up with one of your bombs.
[_The light becomes attentive._
THE DEVIL
Can you hear me?
[_The light wags and then remains attentive again._
THE DEVIL
How would you like to have a body again? Eh? A better body than you
ever had?
[_The light dances joyfully._
THE DEVIL
Would you be a good Dutchman and do just as I told you?
[_The light wags._
THE DEVIL
Are you sorry for all that swearing and temper you’ve shown since
you’ve been a light?
[_The light wags slowly. At that moment the hall door opens and Magnus
reënters._
THE DEVIL
I was just—
MAGNUS (_very angry at having been kept waiting_)
Good day to you, sir—
THE DEVIL (_holding his arm_)
Magnus—(_Fixes him with his eyes_)
[_Magnus’s eyes flutter as before. He struggles, but gradually yields
to The Devil’s power._
THE DEVIL
Magnus, sit down!
[_The dark of an approaching rain begins and grows gradually all
through the ensuing dialogue until rain actually falls._
MAGNUS (_with a flash of natural spirit_)
Be da—
[_He means to say: “Be damned to you”; but The Devil’s eyes drive out
defiance. Magnus sits down._
THE DEVIL
Magnus, look at me!
MAGNUS
I—(_He tries to rouse himself, desperately, but sinks back
submissively_)
THE DEVIL
Magnus! Look at me!
[_Magnus tries to disobey, but his eyes are literally torn upward and
into The Devil’s._
THE DEVIL (_at centre table, turns on electric cigar-lighter—an
illuminated disk that burns dully_)
Magnus, look at that light!
[_Magnus is still staring at him._
THE DEVIL
Not me! The light! Saves my energy.
[_Magnus stares still at him. The Devil goes to Magnus and turns his
head, arranging it as a photographer does for position. He points his
finger along Magnus’s line of vision, turning it toward the luminous
disk. Then he sits down, his elbow on the table near the cigar-lighter,
and lights cigarette. Leaning his head on his palm, he stares at Magnus
in the growing darkness, the red glow of cigarette growing as the light
outside begins to die before the rainstorm. This red glow lights up The
Devil’s face. The light bobs closer, inspecting and inquisitive._
THE DEVIL
Magnus! When you went to school, they taught you: “Honesty is the Best
Policy.” At church: “Love your fellow-men.” You went into business. Two
years later—you were a bankrupt. Why?
MAGNUS (_in hypnosis: speaks dully and mechanically_) I wouldn’t buy
diseased animals and dye their meat a healthy color with poison.
THE DEVIL
That was being honest. What else? Speak!
MAGNUS (_same tone, but sleepier_) I wouldn’t bring foreign laborers
over to do the work cheaper than Americans. The more ignorant citizens,
the more rascals in Congress. The more rascals in Congress, the worse
laws. The worse laws, the worse country. Worse and worse—until only
a revolution could cure it. Out of a revolution—a soldier tyrant—a
Napoleon—an Emperor—and three centuries—gone to hell—
THE DEVIL
That was loving your fellow-men. What else? Speak!
MAGNUS (_almost asleep; rouses himself with an effort_) So, without
cheap meat and cheap labor, I couldn’t sell at cheap prices. My wife
sold her jewels. I kept books for a former rival.
THE DEVIL (_thumbing Magnus’s forehead_)
That’s what you got for being honest and loving your fellow-men, eh?
How did you get the courage to be a crook?
MAGNUS
My boy—Charles—consumptive—needed change of air to save his
life—Denver—Los Angeles— the Riviera.—A bookkeeper gets twenty a
week—(_His head drops on breast again_)
THE DEVIL
No chance there! Well?
MAGNUS (_painfully dragging out the words in spite of intense
sleepiness_) _Tried_ to save enough—no use—couldn’t.—So at last moment
I falsified books—sent the boy away—(_His head drops_)
THE DEVIL (_revives him_)
Then?
MAGNUS
Speculated—to return first money—won—the fever got me. I took all I
could get from the office safe—plunged—won—(_Relapses: head drops_)
THE DEVIL
Honesty ruined you. Stealing made you rich. Loving your fellow-men
nearly killed your boy. Hating them saved him—eh? (_Shakes him_)
MAGNUS (_roused, speaks in shrill voice_)
Went back into the old business. Did what others did. Ran the thousands
into millions. Bought steel-mills with the millions. Froze the little
fellows out.
THE DEVIL
Hating them!
MAGNUS
Hating everybody. Needed banks to swing deals. Gave a million to
politicians. United States Treasury made my banks National Banks.
THE DEVIL
National! Ha, ha!—National!
[_Magnus’s head drops on his breast._
THE DEVIL (_reviving him_)
And lent you Government money to run more little fellows out of
business, eh?
MAGNUS
When I controlled the clearing-house, I refused some banks
clearing-house privileges.
THE DEVIL
That meant: either do as you said or close their doors? When they
realized that, you began to control the money-market. The National
Currency? You and your friends are the Mint—the Treasury of the Nation.
You finance wars—make governments—keep out of office honest men who
won’t make the laws you want—(_Revives him_)
MAGNUS (_drowsily_)
No man can be President unless I say so.
[_The light darts at him._
THE DEVIL
You could put all good men in and throw all bad ones out? But, instead,
you throw all good ones out and put all bad ones in. Those who will do
as you say.
[_Magnus sleeps noisily._
THE DEVIL
Look, Schwartzenhopfel! The Law of the Land—there!
[_Magnus snores. A dim radiance begins to surround his head. The light
draws as close as possible. A few splashes of rain fall on the windows._
THE DEVIL (_to the light_)
I am going to teach him that while one cannot be honest in this
world—today—dishonesty can be atoned for only by loving one’s fellows
more instead of less. And loving, helping—
[_The radiance grows around Magnus. The light draws close to it._
THE DEVIL (_to the light_)
Schwartzenhopfel—come away! Don’t be in too much of a hurry!
[_The light retreats reluctantly._
THE DEVIL (_to the light_)
Disobey me once when you become a controller of money-markets, and—out
you go! More: I may leave you to linger around in air until somebody
else wears your body out.
[_The light trembles._
THE DEVIL
It is nearly time. Remember what I say. Else better stay as you are for
a short time—than for a lifetime! _You_ are only the instrument. I the
player.
[_The light wags. The radiance flickers above Magnus’s head. A second
light rises slowly to ceiling._
THE DEVIL (_excitedly_)
Now, Dutchman, get ready! Go!
[_The light darts at Magnus’s head. At the same moment the storm breaks
with fury. Great splotches of rain are thrown at the window-panes. The
house rocks. The light (Schwartzenhopfel) sinks out of sight above
Magnus’s head. The figure of Magnus is left in darkness, the only light
in the room being the suspended one (Magnus), hanging from the ceiling
like a hypnotized bee, and that from the cigar-lighter which falls on
the face of the Devil._[2]
[Footnote 2: In referring to the light thereafter, Magnus is meant.]
THE DEVIL
Well, Schwartzenhopfel?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_in Magnus’s body_)
_Ach Gott!_
[_The Devil turns on the electricity in the fringed white candelabrum,
whereby the room becomes pervaded with a gentle glow of light.
Schwartzenhopfel rises, stretches, pats himself; throws out each leg,
each arm; tries to speak, but is overcome with emotion and bursts
into tears. From tears he is translated into hysterical laughter.
The room begins to grow lighter, but furious rain continues outside.
Schwartzenhopfel follows the light around the room, pointing at it
derisively, his body doubling up with speechless laughter each time
he points. The light moves away with dignity. Finally, to escape
persecution, it flies out of the window._
THE DEVIL
Here! That is not right. (_Satirically amused_) Driving a controller of
money-markets out into the rain.
[_Schwartzenhopfel, paying no attention, leaps and bounds about the
room like an unwieldly baboon. Agnus reënters by hall door._
AGNUS (_shocked_)
Mr. Magnus!
[_Schwartzenhopfel goes on dancing until he sees Agnus in full light.
Then seeing himself, in Agnus, he bursts into another roar of laughter,
pointing in gleeful derision and following the harassed Agnus around,
each time pointing and roaring with laughter, as he did with the
light._
AGNUS (_turning_)
Mr. Magnus! (_Solicitously_) What is wrong, sir?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_after another outbreak, hoarsely to The Devil_) Did
I walk like that? Look like that? Oh, what liars are looking-glasses!
THE DEVIL
Men don’t see what the mirror shows them. They see what they look to
see. A good-looking, intelligent, well-groomed countenance for each.
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_to The Devil_)
I don’t blame you for wanting to get rid of that! (_Pokes Agnus with
his finger_) Flabby, too.
AGNUS (_gasps out thoroughly shocked_)
You’ve been up to your Devil’s tricks again!
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
Better trick for me than for you! Ha! Ha! (_Turns Agnus around,
disconsolately_) I don’t look a bit better from the back! (_Solemnly_)
I’d hate to see myself undressed.
THE DEVIL
The best part of _you_ is talking right now.
AGNUS (_almost howling_)
Mr. Magnus—what have you done with Mr. Magnus?
[_The light comes flying back through window. The Devil points to it.
Schwartzenhopfel points also and begins following the light about as
before. The light is about to fly off again in dignity, but pauses at
the window._
THE DEVIL
Here! Leave him alone! (_To Schwartzenhopfel_) You didn’t like it when
I did it to _you_—
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
That’s why I’m doing it to him. He’s a tyrant, a bloodsucker, a
vampire, a murderer of poor men’s souls. He ought to be hung, drawn,
quartered, and dynamited. He is—
THE DEVIL
You had better keep those sentiments to yourself. Have you forgotten
who you are? With all his sins to answer for?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_ceases suddenly to rail and takes a cigarette which
he lights_) I did miss tobacco—
THE DEVIL
How could you miss tobacco without a body?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
It soothes the soul. A fine trick you played me.
THE DEVIL
And a fine trick you played me. Leaving bombs sewn up in your mattress.
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_grinning_)
How the police would like to know where they are. They searched the
room today.
THE DEVIL
I shook you just in time—
AGNUS (_turning pale_)
What did you say?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
Searched my room—his room. (_Points to The Devil_) Your room now. Lucky
I’m in disguise! (_Taps body_)
AGNUS (_pale and trembling_)
Did they—er—find anything?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_Scornfully_)
Policemen find anything?
AGNUS (_breathing hard_)
Thank God!
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
At least not before I flew away.
AGNUS
You left the police there—in your room?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
No, in your room—smoking and trying to think. If they think they can
think, what do they think they can think with?
AGNUS (_in trembling tone_)
Where is your room?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
Your room? Why, over the shoemaker’s shop—next block?
[_Agnus sits down unmanned._
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
New York detectives, too. Central-office “dicks.” None of your common
country constables or sheriffs for me—I’m a celebrated man.
AGNUS (_in a trembling tone_)
You—you are?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
No, you are. From Maine to Pensacola; from ’Frisco to Vancouver. Nobody
makes bombs like old Schwartzenhopfel. I hope they don’t find those
seven. They took me three weeks and cost three hundred dollars.
AGNUS
I—I hope they don’t, too. I—I think I’ll go—now—g—go—to bed. (_He
starts for the stairway_) I wonder if they’re still there—in your room?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
My dear sir—I am John Magnus. It ain’t _my_ room—
THE DEVIL (_to Agnus_)
You might ask Mr. Magnus to go over and find out for you?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
Me? Got a photo of it, haven’t you?
THE DEVIL
No—him! (_Points to the light_)
[_The light contracts and moves to other side of room._
THE DEVIL (_crossing over to it_)
What’s the use being sulky, Magnus? You’re the only one here who can
do it without anybody seeing you. Go on! For this poor fellow’s sake
anyhow. (_Points to Agnus_) Want to see him in jail?
AGNUS (_approaching the light_)
Mr. Magnus, sir—I had no hand in this—I am as badly off as you—I am
Addington Agnus. That man—over there—(_pointing_) is The Devil.
THE DEVIL
Dr. Agnus, please.
AGNUS
He stole my body, too, and made me take this one—
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
Ha! Ha!
AGNUS
And now I find it’s a criminal’s body, and the police are looking for
it. Mr. Magnus—please—
THE DEVIL
It will make me more merciful, Magnus.
[_The light moves sulkily to the window. The storm has blown over and
the rain is turning to snow. However, the light is bright enough for
The Devil to turn out the candles._
THE DEVIL (_to the light_)
When you come back, wag once—like this (_wags head_) if the Dutchman’s
mattress is torn up. Twice if it isn’t.
[_The light flies out through the window._
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_throwing up window and calling after the light_)
Over the shoemaker’s shop—next block—third floor—you can’t miss it.
(_Puts down the window_)
THE DEVIL (_to Schwartzenhopfel_)
Let’s spare his feelings while he’s gone. I wonder how big a check he
can write.
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_excitedly_)
I read he could sign one for two million dollars—ready money—a check
for two millions—_Ach Gott!_ That was why I wanted to blow him up.
THE DEVIL (_coldly_)
Well, you’ve got your chance now. A chance no anarchist ever had
before. You anarchists always complain you can’t get close enough to
millionaires. _You’re_ close enough—
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_turning pale_)
What do you mean?
THE DEVIL (_handing him a sharp paper-cutter of steel_)
Dig this (_taps it_) into that—(_Taps Schwartzenhopfel’s heart_)
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_turning pale_)
That would be murder!
THE DEVIL
And what’s throwing bombs?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_protesting_)
I don’t throw ’em. I make ’em. I never threw one.
THE DEVIL
What’s the difference?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
I never sell ’em to blow up people. Only houses and bridges and
railroads and—(_vaguely_)—er—places—
THE DEVIL
You just said you wanted to blow up Magnus.
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_hanging his head_)
I don’t blow up nobody!
THE DEVIL (_scornfully_)
Socialist!!
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_furiously_)
Socialist? Bourgeoisie! Children! Talkers! Bah!
THE DEVIL (_tapping him_)
Bourgeoisie! Child! Talker! Bah!
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
You lie—
THE DEVIL
Do I? (_Offers paper-cutter again_) Prove it! (_Makes the motion of
stabbing_) Anarchists claim they wouldn’t let John Magnus live one
minute if they had the power to kill him. Here’s the power— (_Offers
knife again_)
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
_Teufel! Teufel!_ You _are_ a devil.
THE DEVIL
Dr. Agnus, please! (_He fingers paper-cutter_) You know, when the
Anarchist Council hears of the chance you’re throwing away—pouff! That
for you—(_stabbing motion_) I don’t know but what they’re right. This
is too good a chance to miss. (_He takes Schwartzenhopfel by the collar
and flourishes the dagger_)
AGNUS
Here! Quit that! Quit!
THE DEVIL (_fixes him with a look that makes him fall back_) For
the sake of the thousands of lives Magnus has taken to make his
millions—(_the dagger descends_)
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_on his knees, howling lustily_)
Police! Police! Police!
[_Judge Critty appears at the window looking in from garden, sees the
tableau inside without being seen himself, and runs off with a shocked,
terrified expression on his face._
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
Police! Police!
THE DEVIL (_throws down the knife and laughs heartily_)
The police? An anarchist bawling for the police! The police! If the
Anarchist Council heard that, they’d boil you in Standard Oil. Get up!
(_Sneers_) Anarchist!
[_Schwartzenhopfel crawls to his feet shamefacedly._
THE DEVIL (_fixes him with his eye_)
I might have known that a man who makes bombs to blow up—for all he
knows—women and children, would be just your kind of a coward! Oh, you
human beings! You make me ill! (_He takes a check-book from the pocket
of Schwartzenhopfel’s coat_) What did you think I gave you this body
for, you fool? To kill it? I need it too much. Where did you read that
about the two million check?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
In a London paper.
THE DEVIL
Then there’s a chance, it’s true. If you’d said a New York
one—Write!—(_Hands the check-book to Schwartzenhopfel_)
[_Schwartzenhopfel looks inquiringly at him._
THE DEVIL
Pay to Addington Agnus—two million—
[_Schwartzenhopfel writes out the check and signs it._
THE DEVIL
Now endorse it so: “This money is given to Dr. Addington Agnus to
further scientific researches of inestimable value. The amount
specified need detain no bank official in my employ from cashing it.
John Magnus.”
[_Schwartzenhopfel writes while The Devil is dictating._
THE DEVIL (_takes the check and scrutinizes it_)
Look at that, Agnus. You should be the happiest man in the world.
AGNUS (_scrutinizing the check, the man once more forgotten in the
scientist_) His signature! Magnus’s! Why, the check’s good!
[_It is now snowing hard, the snow encrusting the windows._
THE DEVIL
Of course it’s good.
AGNUS
But—a forgery!
THE DEVIL
Can you get anybody to believe that coward over there isn’t Magnus?
Now, aren’t you glad I happened along this morning?
AGNUS
It means—success—
THE DEVIL
Wiser people—better world—morals adjust themselves. Forty crooks and
one honest man in a community, the crooks would elect the honest
man—because wisdom teaches them not to trust crooks. The only incurable
crime is ignorance!
AGNUS (_protesting_)
The only one!
THE DEVIL
Who ever heard of a professional crook being a murderer, for instance?
Only ignorant amateurs—like Schwartzenhopfel here.—If he wasn’t
ignorant, he wouldn’t murder.
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
I don’t murder.
THE DEVIL
Tell that to the police. Every bomb you make is a potential murder. Why
are they looking for you? Answer!
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_reluctantly_)
Somebody used one of my bombs somewhere. I guess somebody else
snitched. And they’re trying to get something on me!
AGNUS (_to The Devil, bitterly_)
And you say I ought to be the happiest man in the world—robbed of the
girl I love—of my name, my reputation—in danger of arrest, jail, maybe
the electric chair! Very happy! Oh, yes! Ha! Ha! Ha! Can’t you give me
a broken arm or leg or head to make my happiness complete?
THE DEVIL
But think of the triumph of science. (_Waves the check_) What’s one
person’s feelings compared with the good of the world—
AGNUS
Nothing—except when you happen to be that person. (_Feverishly_) What
shall I do about the police?
THE DEVIL (_points to Schwartzenhopfel_)
I’ll shift his soul over to his own body and make him pay the penalty
of his own crimes—
[_Schwartzenhopfel makes a dash for the door, opens it, and runs wildly
out into the snow._
THE DEVIL (_at the door_)
Come back! Come back!
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_outside_)
So you can switch souls on me! Not much—
THE DEVIL (_to Agnus, groaning_)
A mad anarchist let loose with a billion dollars! (_Shouting_) Come
back! I won’t do it!
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_outside_)
My mother always taught me never to put any trust in The Devil.
THE DEVIL (_at the door_)
If you don’t come back, I’ll run the paper-cutter through your real
body and rid the earth of you. (_He makes a threatening pass at Agnus
with the knife_)
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_outside_)
What do I care? I’ve got a better one, and all the money I want. You
won’t be able to get near me. And if you try, I’ll have you put in jail
as an anarchist. I’m John Magnus, now. (_His voice comes from farther
away_) And Dr. Agnus is the man the police want.
THE DEVIL (_sternly_)
Come back! Or I’ll find a way to make you! Come back!
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_still outside but slightly afraid_)
Promise then! No devil’s tricks! Keep your eyes to yourself.
THE DEVIL
I promise! (_To Agnus_) I need him! He can repudiate that check.
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_still outside_)
How can I believe you!
THE DEVIL (_in awful tones_)
You worm! Doubt me, do you?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_whining_)
All right, Captain: all right! (_He sneaks back, holding up one arm
defensively_)
THE DEVIL (_closing door_)
You disobey me again and I’ll make you wish wildcats had stolen you
from your mother’s knee.
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_whining_)
Well, who wants to go to jail?
[_The light reappears through the window._
AGNUS (_feverishly_)
There’s Mr. Magnus back. (_Addressing the light_) Mr.
Magnus—sir—what—what—is it all right?
[_The light bobs once solemnly._
AGNUS (_relieved_)
It’s all right.
THE DEVIL
He wagged once. That means the mattress is torn up.
AGNUS
I asked him: “Is it all right?” And he nodded. (_To the light_) Didn’t
you, Mr. Magnus?
[_The light wags crosswise, as though it was shaking its head._
THE DEVIL
He says “no.”
AGNUS
No? Yes?
THE DEVIL
Look here; we agreed: if the bombs were found, once; not found, twice.
(_To the light_) Which is it? Once or twice?
[_The light wags once._
AGNUS (_wildly_)
Oh! oh! oh! I must get away! Hide!
[_Fanny flings open the door without knocking._
THE DEVIL (_to Agnus, indicating her_)
What did I tell you!
[_Agnus stops, forgetting all about the police._
THE DEVIL (_to Agnus_)
Go on! Get away! Hide! Do it!
[_Agnus stares at Fanny. Fanny advances as though searching for
something. The Devil looks at her inquiringly._
FANNY (_to Schwartzenhopfel_)
Mr. Magnus, you needn’t think I came back to see him. I left my veil
somewhere about.
THE DEVIL (_winking to Agnus_)
Denver to San Francisco—tooth-brush!
FANNY
I wish you’d help me find it and let me go, Mr. Magnus.
THE DEVIL
So you lost your tooth-brush?
FANNY
Mr. Magnus—my veil—
THE DEVIL
Veil—tooth-brush—any excuse will do.
FANNY (_ignoring him_)
Mr. Magnus, your chauffeur says the snow’s getting deep. We should
start immediately.
THE DEVIL
You take the car, Fanny. You and your mother. You go back. Mr. Magnus
stays here.
[_Schwartzenhopfel smiles weakly._
FANNY
Mr. Magnus—you—staying here—with this person?
[_Schwartzenhopfel smiles more weakly._
FANNY
Not on my account, Mr. Magnus, please. All is over between us.
THE DEVIL (_instructively_)
In moments of anger, the débutante’s language and the shop-girl’s
cannot be distinguished. That is because—while débutantes are taught
proper language for ordinary things, no one can be taught proper
language for extraordinary things. So, as both débutantes and
shop-girls read the best-selling novels, both go to them for the
language of distress. Hence the similarity. (_With college professor’s
gesture_) Class on Feminine Psychology dismissed for the day. Our next
subject will be: How to Insult Young Ladies so That They Won’t Come
Back.
FANNY
You acknowledge you insulted me then?
THE DEVIL
Cheerfully!
FANNY
You hear that, Mr. Magnus?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_with a weak smile_)
I hear it.
FANNY
And you—in spite of insults to the daughter of the woman you profess to
care for—
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
What! (_He starts violently_)
FANNY
You continue under his roof—
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
Well, you see, I like the Doc—the Doctor. I am interested in his work.
I just gave—
[_The Devil nudges him._
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_brightly_)
Oh, it’s all right, Doctor. I was just going to tell her I gave you a
check for two million dollars!
[_Fanny stands speechless._
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_anxiously, seeing The Devil scowling_) Oh, quite
legitimate—scientific research. For scientific research—er—rightly
researched, you know—what is two million—that is, to me!
THE DEVIL
You fool!
FANNY (_to The Devil_)
Is this so? (_Sees the check in his hand, takes it quickly and stands
for a second quiet; then to Schwartzenhopfel, bitterly_) Two million!
And I suppose he’s not allowed to spend more than two thousand on
himself—and wife—
THE DEVIL (_sotto voce_)
Say “yes.”
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_to The Devil_)
What did you say?
[_The Devil clenches his fists._
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_to Fanny, brightly_)
Oh, no limitations—he can spend anything he likes on himself—
FANNY (_eagerly_)
Say half of what you would have paid him at the Mills?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_anxious to regain The Devil’s good-will_)
Half? All! All! No strings to my generosity, young lady. I
want him to be happy at his work. He can buy an automobile—or
a—yacht—or—er—jewellery—or—anything—
FANNY (_throwing herself into The Devil’s arms_)
Addington! Addington! At last!
[_Agnus clenches his fists and starts across room_.
THE DEVIL (_in an injured tone_)
I thought you were going away never to return?
FANNY
And would you have been unhappy, dearest?
THE DEVIL
You just said: “All is over between us”—
FANNY
Just to see what you would say—and I saw—you grew quite red, Addington—
THE DEVIL (_bitterly_)
Yes—to keep from laughing—
FANNY
Ah! Addington! You are being proud now. Look at me! How I have sunk my
pride, determined to get to the bottom of this. I have been wrong. I
acknowledge it. I had no right to interfere with your work. I came back
to tell you that—to sacrifice myself, too—
[_The Devil stares blankly at her. Agnus nudges him fiercely to take
his arm away from Fanny. The Devil at last takes his arm away._
FANNY (_who has been talking in the meantime_)
But Mr. Magnus has repented. He has seen my side of the case, too. We
can have a town house now, Addington, with that two million—and two
motors—
THE DEVIL (_sarcastically_)
Oh, can we?
FANNY (_reproachfully_)
Remember, I was ready to sacrifice everything for you. I didn’t know
Mr. Magnus would be so generous. And now—the marriage, dear—when?
[_Doll Blondin reënters from the stairway, hatless and dressed in a
shirtwaist._
DOLL BLONDIN
Who’s going to help your man bring up my trunks?
[_Fanny disengages herself from the Devil and stares at Doll: first
wildly, then savagely, then catlike._
FANNY (_tragically to The Devil_)
Explain!
AGNUS (_wildly_)
Fanny, I can explain everything.
[_Fanny pushes him away. Her look is that of a tragedy-queen’s as she
advances with folded arms toward The Devil, who smiles impishly, sure
now that he has rid himself of her for good._
FANNY
Explain, Addington Agnus!
[_The Devil ignites a cigarette at the electric lighter, shrugs his
shoulders and smiles again._
DOLL BLONDIN (_who has come down to The Devil_)
Well, how about those trunks?
THE DEVIL
Oh, Schwartzenhopfel will help you—
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_indignantly, as if to say: “Remember I am John
Magnus”_) What?
THE DEVIL (_pointing to Agnus_) Him!
[_Agnus folds his arms also and does not stir._
THE DEVIL (_to Agnus_)
Best thing—if the police should look in—
AGNUS (_unhappily_)
What do I care for the police—or anything—now!
FANNY (_to The Devil in a dangerously cold tone_)
I have _asked_ for an explanation!
THE DEVIL (_irritated_)
Oh, don’t try to Sarah Bernhardt it, Fanny. You haven’t the talent.
Amateurs trying to be dramatic are only comic.
FANNY (_turning suddenly to Doll Blondin with a
“woman-to-woman-no-foolishness” air_) What are you doing in this house?
Are you the new housekeeper, or the parlor-maid?
DOLL BLONDIN (_half stunned and half admiring_) You cat, you!
FANNY (_loudly_)
Who is this woman?
DOLL BLONDIN (_aroused_)
I’m as much the lady as you! Howling and crying around here. What’s the
matter? Are you crazy? (_Suddenly indignant_) Woman? Do you think—(_Her
Broadway mock modesty and pretended lady-like morality halt her from
saying what she means, so she explains shortly_) I’m boarding here!
(_Violently_) How dared you think anything else—Woman, yourself!
FANNY (_with a dry laugh_)
Boarding? Can’t you think of a better story than that? Why should he
take boarders?
DOLL BLONDIN (_shortly_)
Because he needs my twenty a week, I suppose.
[_Fanny laughs still more dryly._
DOLL BLONDIN (_enraged_)
Well, anyway, he ran after me in the street and called me in. (_Seeing
she has hurt Fanny, she encourages the innuendo wickedly_) Said price
didn’t matter—he said. (_Violently again_) But have no fear: I won’t
stay here and be insulted: I’ll go—
FANNY
You had better—
THE DEVIL
Miss Blondin, if the place, or the food, or the service is
unsatisfactory—go. Otherwise—stay. This lady is nothing to me.
DOLL BLONDIN (_in cool admiration_)
Well, you _are_ a brute!
FANNY (_to The Devil, seeing the admiration and rendered wild by it_)
I understand now! This is why you’ve changed so suddenly. The sight of
this woman of the street—
DOLL BLONDIN (_blazing_)
What?
FANNY (_a little alarmed_)
Woman in the street, I said—
DOLL BLONDIN
Oh!
FANNY
And you forget your honor, your duty, your religion—
THE DEVIL
What has religion got to do with it?
FANNY
Everything. Well, I won’t permit it. I care nothing for you. I hate
you. But there’s a law in the land that protects defenceless women—
THE DEVIL
Defenceless? Not unless they’re dumb!
FANNY
And I’ll see what the law says. I’ll publish you in every newspaper in
the country, and I’ll tell how the great scientist ran after a strange
woman—a woman he knew nothing about—and begged her to live in his
house so she would be convenient to make love to.
[_Doll Blondin looks at him suspiciously._
FANNY
Then where will your reputation be? Your Nobel prize?
DOLL BLONDIN (_hastily_)
I’m glad I didn’t have my trunks unpacked—
THE DEVIL
Miss Blondin—
DOLL BLONDIN
Who do you think’s paying for my lessons, my education? Think I saved
it out of a chorus salary? If somebody in New York were to hear such a
story, it would be good-bye to taking part of my pay in three sheets.
(_Puts out her hand_) But I’ll run in on you every now and then to say
“Hello.” You are _such_ a brute!
FANNY (_standing between them_)
You’ll do nothing of the sort, d’you hear?
DOLL BLONDIN
Indeed, miss?
FANNY
Indeed, miss, and indeed, miss—and as for you, Addington Agnus, I’ll
stay here in this house—with mother, until our wedding-day—
THE DEVIL (_desperately_)
By Saturn—I wish I could think of something to do to you—
AGNUS (_desperately_)
Tell her the truth—the truth. If you don’t want her, I want her—
[_A noise is heard outside._
FANNY
You!
AGNUS
Yes, I! Fanny, listen! Here is the truth! (_He seizes her, overcome
with love, and embraces and kisses her_)
[_Fanny screams._
AGNUS
Listen, Fanny, I am—
[_The noise increases. The door is thrown open, and through it are seen
a Detective-lieutenant and his two men, all in plain clothes, as well
as Sheriff Peattie and Judge Critty. They appear just in time to see
Agnus embrace Fanny and to hear her scream._
JUDGE CRITTY
Here are the police you called for, Mr. Magnus. I brought them as fast
as I could.
[_Schwartzenhopfel dodges instinctively at the word “Police.” Agnus
releases Fanny and plunges headforemost onto the sofa, where he hides
ostrich-like among the pillows._
JUDGE CRITTY (_pointing to The Devil_)
There’s the gentleman!
PEATTIE
What? Doctor Agnus?
JUDGE CRITTY
He’s as much my friend as yours, Constable. But he must have gone
insane. I saw him—through that window—threatening Mr. Magnus there with
a knife. Mr. Magnus was—I regret to say—reduced to kneeling for mercy
and calling for the police—
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_with shamefaced recollection_)
Oh, that was—that was—well—(_Looks to The Devil for assistance_)
THE DEVIL
That was only a little play we were rehearsing for charity. Don’t you
understand—a rehearsal—Ha! Ha! A rehearsal!
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
That’s it—play—charity—rehearsal—
JUDGE CRITTY (_covered with confusion_)
I’m sure I’m sorry—
PEATTIE
I’m right glad—I’d hate to see Senator Agnus’s son in trouble. My
apologies, Doctor—for these three New York detectives too—they just
happened to be by when the Judge located me, and they came along to
help me—thought it was something desperate. We’ll go—
FANNY (_furiously_)
One moment! I want that man punished. (_Points to Agnus on the sofa_)
For the second time today—you saw him—he has grossly insulted me!
[_Peattie looks around, taken aback._
FANNY (_stamping her foot_)
I want him punished, I say!
LIEUTENANT (_gruffly, pointing to Agnus’s buried face_) Looks guilty,
Cap. Trying to hide like that the minute he sees the police.
PEATTIE (_takes one quick step forward and jerks Agnus to his feet_)
Here, what about this? Can’t have ladies insulted hereabouts, you know.
LIEUTENANT (_with a sudden change of face_)
By God, boys—the anarchist! (_Draws revolver_)
[_The women scream. The two detectives draw their revolvers also._
PEATTIE
What? Him? The fellow you been looking for all day? (_Still holding
Agnus by the collar_)
LIEUTENANT
That’s the bird!
[_Peattie lets loose Agnus and draws ancient-looking Colt’s revolver,
which he points at him. Agnus is now ringed around by four men with
levelled weapons._
LIEUTENANT (_taking out handcuffs_)
Throw up your hands, Henry Schwartzenhopfel—
[_Agnus throws up his hands._
LIEUTENANT
Fan him for artillery, Hennessy.
[_The Second Detective is about to search Agnus._
THE DEVIL
Stop! (_All stare at The Devil_) _He’s my friend._
PEATTIE
But, Doc—he’s a dynamiter—
THE DEVIL
No matter, stop!
LIEUTENANT
Listen, Mister—Doctor—whoever you are—you can’t give orders to the Law—
THE DEVIL
Yes, I can; and the Law can give them to you. And it does; now! There’s
the Law. (_Points to Schwartzenhopfel_) The man who makes you a
policeman; who makes your Chief of Police; your Commissioner; who makes
Mayors, Governors, Presidents! You’re in the presence of Money, you
oxen! Take off your hats _to_ it—and take your orders _from_ it—_Mr.
John Magnus_—The Law.
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_suddenly realizing his power_)
And I order you to let Henry Schwartzenhopfel alone, now and all the
time. Schwartzenhopfel (_with his hand on Agnus’s shoulder_) is _my_
friend, too.
DETECTIVES (_moving away in awe_)
_John_ Magnus!
FANNY (_throwing her arms around The Devil, whose look of triumph
changes to one of hopeless dismay_)
My Hero!
CURTAIN
THE THIRD ACT
_The same room as before, and immediately following the preceding
situation—not even a few seconds later, for the Detectives and the
Constable are just putting away their revolvers._
_Doll Blondin, her admiration for The Devil growing, looks triumphant
as he irritably disengages Fanny’s embrace. Some hope is revived in
Doll of being rid of her._
_Fanny’s look is grimly determined._
_Agnus, relieved from a terrible situation, looks for the first time
gratefully at The Devil._
_Schwartzenhopfel, feeling his power as Magnus and enjoying it,
has assumed an air of enormous importance—by the simple method of
flattening his jowls on the collar and clearing his throat, thus
deepening his voice._
_Judge Critty is divided between his desire to serve Magnus and his
horror at open defiance of the Law—when he knows Magnus is aware that
the Law could have been circumvented secretly. He has the air of
saying, “Why didn’t you tell me, and I’d have arranged it.” Also his
manner is extra-apologetic and anxious, for he has blundered, and he
fears the loss of Magnus’s good offices._
_The three detectives are blankly dismayed at having crossed the path
of one so powerful as Magnus. They are anxious to retreat, but realize
that some concessions must be made to the conventions._
_St. Elmo Peattie, the Sheriff, is simply confounded: for he is
an honest villager, fearing God, and, consequently, no man. He is
shocked at The Devil daring to put any man—Magnus, Taft, Wilson,
Morgan, Rockefeller, or even Roosevelt—above the Law. Though he has
no authority in the matter—the warrants being in the Lieutenant’s
hands—Peattie feels called upon to protest in the name of civic
dignity, and to uphold the faith of his fathers—the faith in which
Jefferson wrote; on which Burr, a Vice-President, was convicted of
treason; for which Washington fought and Nathan Hale died._
PEATTIE (_to the Detectives_)
What’s gone wrong, pardners? Why don’t you handcuff that there
dynamiter?
LIEUTENANT (_roughly_)
What dynamiter?
PEATTIE (_points to Agnus_)
Fellow you’ve been hunting for all day—
LIEUTENANT (_taking out his note-book_)
Will you swear he’s a dynamiter?
PEATTIE
I ain’t never heard of him before. How’ll _I_ swear?
LIEUTENANT (_trying to make his tone official by speaking sternly, as
if determined to get at evidence_)
You’ve seen him about the village every day?
PEATTIE
Sure—but—
LIEUTENANT
Just answer my questions: how has he behaved?
PEATTIE
I see him going into Pete Mellish’s and into Gus Hobbs’s—
LIEUTENANT (_with heavy constabulary levity_)
And—did he try to dynamite—er—Pete Jellyfish—or Corn Cob’s—whatever
their names are?
PEATTIE
Hush, man! Pete’s our grocer. Gus’s our butcher. Prisoner’s human,
ain’t he? He’s got to eat—
LIEUTENANT (_making note_)
Bought groceries and meat daily. (_Relieved_) Well, that ain’t criminal.
PEATTIE (_sulkily_)
I never see him dynamite nobody, if that’s what you’re trying to get
at. Allus bin civil enough to me. Gi’me a cigar once.
LIEUTENANT (_poising pencil with same heavy police humor_) Ah! Cigar!
Loaded?
PEATTIE (_annoyed_)
No, ’twarn’t. ’Twas as good as any two fer a nickel I ever bought myself.
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_scandalized as he remembers the episode and the
price_) Two for a nickel! It was a—(_Pulls himself up sharply_)
LIEUTENANT (_explaining apologetically, supposing the outbreak to be
due to a millionaire’s ignorance of such cheap matters_) An expression,
Mr. Magnus—“twofera nickel” is two cigars for five cents. Rubes smoke
’em.
PEATTIE (_angry_)
Rubes, eh? Well, thank Joshyouway, I ain’t a New Yorker, mister—where
every next fella’s a Harp or a Ginny, a Kike or a Polack; where haff of
’em don’t even talk Amurrican. (_Turning to The Devil, who has been
listening with approval_) Doctor Agnus, be ashamed of yourself! I’m
older’n you: old enough to be Sheriff here when your daddy was Senator.
And your dad, young gentleman, he told me to arrest old Commodore
Vanderbilt. Yes, sir—the Commodore—driving his hosses too fast ‘long
Main Street, endangerin’ lives and limbs of old women and children.
Your dad, he sez: “St. Elmo, no matter who he is, any _big_ man that
breaks laws is _little_.” _Little_, yes, sir; and why? “Because,”
says your dad, the Honnible Maxwell Agnus, “because, Sheriff, people
who don’t know no better is goin’to say: ‘If the biggest man in the
country breaks laws then them laws ’es no good’—and so,” sez your dad,
“ignorant people start breakin’ ’em too—” and, sez he, “the law’s like
a brick barn, Sheriff; taking one brick out makes the walls git weak
and, pritty soon, the whole blamed thing starts tumbling down.”
THE DEVIL (_interested_)
And did the Honorable Maxwell Agnus get elected to the Senate again
after telling you to arrest the biggest man in the country?
PEATTIE
Betcha he did! People was different then. They was Amurricans. And when
they found out why the Commodore hated your dad; why he was tryin’to
keep him outa office agin; why, they just swan to goodness _that_ was
the sorta fella they wanted in Congress—what would take up for the weak
agin’ the strong. He was Senator pritty nigh fifteen years after—
THE DEVIL (_smiling_)
And then?
PEATTIE (_reluctantly_)
Wa-al _then_. Then that there Eye-talian colony got so big over to Cove
Neck, and, seeing as how their votes war only a dollar apiece and a
kiss for the babies, why, our votes warn’t strong enough to beat the
politicians.
THE DEVIL
You see, money has a long memory, Sheriff. And it always wins in the
end.
PEATTIE
But think of all the good he done in them fifteen years.
THE DEVIL
With the result that the railroad doesn’t run within seven miles of
this village and the population has fallen to two thousand inhabitants.
PEATTIE (_sulkily_)
Wa-al—we’re all Amurricans, anyway. It kept the Eye-talians and
the Polacks _out_. You—can’t—buy—votes—here—and _he_ (_points to
Schwartzenhopfel, meaning Magnus_) can’t scare anybody like he kin
New Yorkers. (_He jerks his head with a sneer at the Detectives_)
Keeping ’em from arresting the man they’re sent to git—a furriner—not
Amurrican, mind—a cowardly furriner that blows people up. Magnus,
nor twenty Magnuses couldn’t keep me from doing my dooty on sich a
villin—couldn’t keep any real Amurrican. (_Turning to the Detectives_)
I’ll bet you folks ain’t Amurricans?
LIEUTENANT (_who all along has spoken with an Irish accent, and now,
when violently angry, speaks with a pronounced brogue_) Go on, ye scut!
(_He makes threatening motion at him_)
PEATTIE (_triumphantly_)
Amurrican! Huhnh? (_To second Detective_) And you?
SECOND DETECTIVE (_excitedly_)
I haf my naduraladion pabers got us goot as you or any udder man—
PEATTIE (_more triumphantly_)
Amurrican! Hey? (_To the third Detective_) And you?
THIRD DETECTIVE (_trying to speak carefully_)
I—was—born—in—New—York—
[_Peattie slaps thigh and grins unbelievingly._
THIRD DETECTIVE (_angrily_)
By your lave, Lootenant, I’ll—(_Losing his temper, he takes a step
forward_)
PEATTIE (_clapping his hands in glee_)
You see? Not an Amurrican in the lot. (_To The Devil_) And so
it’s with such cattle—and with anarchists—for just as your dad
said of the Commodore, he’s (_points to Schwartzenhopfel, meaning
Magnus_) as much of an anarchist as him (_points to Agnus, meaning
Schwartzenhopfel_)—it’s with such—that the son of my old Senator has
truck today. Good day to you, sir, and (_sorrowfully_) may you learn
better before you come to my age.
[_He goes out._
THE DEVIL (_to Judge Critty, indicating Detectives_)
See that these fellows are paid something to keep their mouths shut—
LIEUTENANT (_protesting_)
Now, Doctor—you know—
THE DEVIL
Pshaw! No nonsense, my man! That old fellow just gone is worth the lot
of you. With such men in your shoes, we’d hear no more talk of police
graft and extortion.
LIEUTENANT (_sarcastically, pointing to Agnus_)
We’ll take this fellow if it’ll please you better—
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_thoroughly enjoying himself_)
Keep your tongue quiet, policeman!—Here! (_Takes out a handful of bills
and gives them to Judge_) Give ’em these. (_He looks for approval
toward The Devil, who nods_) Now get out: the lot of you!
LIEUTENANT (_hurt_)
That’s no kind of language to use to men doing their best to favor you,
Mr. Magnus. And, as for the money, that’s an insult—
THE DEVIL
I suppose you want it sent mysteriously? From an unknown benefactor who
loves your fat housewife and your ugly babies. Well—you’ll—take—it—this
way—(_He has snatched the bills from the Judge while talking and
separated them into three parts; now he forces one on the Lieutenant_)
[_The Lieutenant pretends to push them away._
THE DEVIL (_finishing_)—or—not at all—(_He looks at Schwartzenhopfel to
back him up_)
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_importantly_)
Or not at all—
[_The Lieutenant hesitates, but takes the money shamefacedly. The two
Detectives repeat his actions and manners._
LIEUTENANT (_to Schwartzenhopfel diffidently, after looking at the
women, the Judge and Agnus_) I suppose (_humbly_) there’ll be no
come-back to this? It’s value received, ain’t it, sir?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
Yes. Get out.
LIEUTENANT
Yes, sir. (_He tips his hat and goes out on tip-toe_)
SECOND AND THIRD DETECTIVES (_in the same manner_)
Yes, sir. (_They go out_)
JUDGE CRITTY (_to Schwartzenhopfel_)
Such actions cause talk, sir—
THE DEVIL
If I’ve promoted even the germ of Socialism in those
robber-barons’men-at-arms, I’m satisfied—
JUDGE CRITTY (_stiffly_)
I was not addressing you, Doctor Agnus—
THE DEVIL
Don’t try that fake dignity with me, you hoary-headed old fraud,
because you haven’t the moral dignity back of it to hold you up. Get
out, you arrant knave! (_Catches Schwartzenhopfel’s eye_)
JUDGE CRITTY (_dumfounded_)
Mr. Magnus—will you allow me to be so insulted by this cockerel? He’s
either drunk or crazy.
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_softly motioning The Devil to wait_) Didn’t you say
once, Judge, that to properly punish anarchists they should not be
hanged but burned?
JUDGE CRITTY (_with swelling dignity, thinking that Magnus is recalling
the incident favorably_) I certainly did, Mr. Magnus.
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
You didn’t say anything about the causes that make them anarchists,
though—did you? (_Catching The Devil’s eye_) But how about a
six-months’ strike prolonged because millionaires wouldn’t pay fifty
cents more a day to men who work with hot rivets two hundred feet in
the air—twenty-five per cent of them killed every year? How about the
wives of those strikers who died of overwork and little food trying to
support homes and husbands until employers gave in? How about their
children who died unborn—eh? Who was it murdered wives and children?
And who, after six months, still refused even to compromise? Was it
any wonder that men went crazy? Murder for murder—they said—murder
for murder. Schwartzenhopfel had such a wife, such children, all dead
now, and he shouted: Dynamite, the worker’s friend! (_Fiercely to the
Judge_) And so it isn’t enough to hang him? You’ve got to burn him,
have you? Well, what about the men who took an honest workman and made
him what he is today?
JUDGE CRITTY (_frantically_)
Mr. Magnus—
[_The Devil goes to the garden door, opens it and points the way out._
JUDGE CRITTY (_nervously, suddenly changing his attitude_) Mr. Magnus,
your admission delights me—for the first time in my relations with you,
I—I find it—possible—to—to—be—to be—perfectly natural with you. You
cannot blame me for being a hypocrite. If you will pardon me, sir: who
made me a hypocrite?—
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_disgruntled_)
I didn’t tell you to burn anarchists, did I?
JUDGE CRITTY
Pardon me, sir—theoretically, no; but practically, yes, you did. If
my bench orations hadn’t been passionately opposed to everything that
even threatened the divine right of capital, why, you wouldn’t be
considering me for the Supreme Bench now. How can a lawyer succeed
nowadays except through capital?
THE DEVIL (_closes door and stands with his back to it_)
True enough, Magnus; true enough—(_Looks at the light, which has hung
gravely suspended through these operations_)
THE DEVIL
The greedy millionaire criminal makes all the little criminals. He
needs men like this hypocrite here (_pointing to the Judge_)—needs them
to save corporations from fines, their officers from jail—with that
damnable word “unconstitutional”; just as he needs Senators to make
trust laws easy to break; Governors to sign exemptions and pardons;
aldermen to steal city franchises; bosses to elect those aldermen
to order; murdering gangsters to kill honest voting; and police who
will permit the gangsters to steal, pimp and kill, and who share in
their spoils. (_Still addressing the light_) And every crime of the
lot—yes—don’t shrink from your guilt—even the stealing, the pimping,
and the killing—is the fault of the greedy millionaire. (_Pointing to
the Judge_) Even that might have been a man—
JUDGE CRITTY (_anxiously_)
But, Mr. Magnus—
THE DEVIL
No hypocrite may be trusted upon the Supreme Bench, Judge.
[_Schwartzenhopfel nods._
JUDGE CRITTY (_wildly_)
You use me—cast me aside—
THE DEVIL
Just what a prostitute would say when the man to whose worst passions
she has pandered seeks to be clean again and casts her off. (_He opens
the door again and points_) Get out! (_He fixes the unhappy Judge with
his eyes. Unable to resist, the Judge follows the slowly pointing
finger and goes out_)
DOLL BLONDIN (_whose admiration for The Devil has grown quickly, as
evidenced by the expression on her face as she has sat listening almost
with awe_) You are some man—believe me!
FANNY (_turns quickly on her at this danger-note in her voice, and
speaks with an effort at politeness_) You said you would not like a
certain party to hear a certain story—
[_The Devil, being recalled to this situation, looks hopelessly around._
DOLL BLONDIN
Let the certain party go—
FANNY (_glares at her_)
What?
DOLL BLONDIN (_glares back_)
I wouldn’t stay where I wasn’t wanted if I were some people—
FANNY
And I suppose you think you are wanted?
[_Doll Blondin smiles aggravatingly._
FANNY
What?
DOLL BLONDIN
I’ve been asked to stay anyhow. That’s more’n some people have—
FANNY
Addington! You’ll let this woman insult me?
THE DEVIL
Certainly, my dear.
DOLL BLONDIN
You see—(_She spreads hands and her manner becomes still more
aggravating_)
FANNY
I’ll go and get mother. Even she will see who’s in the wrong now. When
I’m prepared to give up everything for you—
THE DEVIL
But you aren’t—
FANNY (_wildly_)
I am. You needn’t even have a flat in town. I’ll stay here. Why, I’ll
even live on your income.
THE DEVIL
You only say that until you get me safely married.
FANNY (_beside herself_)
I swear it. Addington—I didn’t realize how much I loved you until I
saw you save your friend (_points to Agnus_); heard you defy those
policemen, and—then—the way you talked to that nasty old Judge. Oh! I
want you—I love you—
THE DEVIL (_stepping back to avoid an embrace_)
Well, you can’t have me!
DOLL BLONDIN
You see—(_Spreads her hands as before_)
FANNY
You give me up—for this woman?
THE DEVIL (_desperately_)
Yes!
FANNY (_suddenly realizing she is combating Fate_)
Oh, Addington, Addington, Addington—I love you—I love you—(_She
bursts into real tears; there is no tragedy in her attitude now, no
affectation, no theatricalism—just real sorrow and regret_)
AGNUS (_wildly to The Devil_) You must explain! You must! You must!
THE DEVIL (_whispering_)
Who’d believe us? We’d all be clapped into a lunatic asylum. Is one
woman to stand in the way of science—a big step in world-regeneration?
Think, man! One woman against a million better men? For the sake of
humanity—think!
[_Agnus turns away. It is his tragic moment; his face should be that of
a combined Hamlet and King Lear—for, while to others Fanny is comedic,
to him she represents earthly happiness. Fanny continues her sobbing
like an animal in pain. Doll Blondin looks troubled, but stands her
ground._
THE DEVIL (_awkwardly_)
See here, Fanny—
FANNY (_trying to stem, her tears_)
Yes, dear—
THE DEVIL
It isn’t any woman—it’s my work. It needs me—all of me—
DOLL BLONDIN
Then you don’t love me?
THE DEVIL (_impatiently_)
Of course not. I only just saw you—didn’t I?
FANNY
You don’t love her? Your work? You’re giving me up for—
THE DEVIL
The good of humanity, Fanny—
FANNY (_forgetting tears_)
Ah, I knew you were too noble, Addington, too big to jilt me for
another woman. “For the good of humanity!” That’s different. We’ll work
together, dear. I’ll help, not hinder.
[_The Devil groans._
FANNY
You’ve brought out my true nature. I’m changed. I see now how hateful I
was.
THE DEVIL
Fanny—
FANNY
Yes, dear—
THE DEVIL
No!
[_Doll Blondin catches his eye above Fanny’s head and winks hopefully._
THE DEVIL (_to Doll, in the same tone_)
No!
[_Mrs. Felix and Tromper enter, bundled up for motoring. They are
followed by Magnus’s chauffeur and his valet carrying motoring coats._
VALET
Miss Felix, miss! (_He holds up her coat_)
[_Fanny inserts her arms mechanically in sleeves._
TROMPER (_grumpily, showing his watch to Schwartzenhopfel_) I took
the liberty of getting ready to go back, Mr. Magnus. I thought you’d
forgotten the time.
VALET
You have an appointment for dinner with Mr. Gayton, sir.
[_Schwartzenhopfel looks blank._
VALET
You know, sir—the Secretary of the Treasury—
[_The Devil nudges Schwartzenhopfel._
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_arrogantly_)
The Secretary must wait; that’s all! I’m staying here tonight.
THE DEVIL (_sotto voce to Agnus, indicating Tromper_)
Who’s he?
[_Agnus whispers the information in a thoroughly miserable manner._
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_to the chauffeur_)
You take these ladies back to New York. (_To the valet_) You go with
him and bring me some clothes back.
THE DEVIL
Enough for a week or so.
[_The light shows that it is struck motionless by this last statement._
And now, Mrs. Felix, good-bye! Come and see me some time. I’ll find a
husband for you yet.
[_The light flirts across his eyes._
THE DEVIL (_looks at it meditatively_)
I don’t know but what you’re right, Magnus. After I start training
you—she might be able to complete the training—
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_viewing Mrs. Felix with approval_) Suits me!
[_The light darts as viciously at Schwartzenhopfel as the latter once
did when he was in Magnus’s condition._
THE DEVIL (_to the light_)
I meant you—Magnus—
[_The light hovers, sullenly suspicious._
THE DEVIL (_to all_)
And—now—good day to all of you. Schwartzenhopfel and I are about to do
some important work together. (_Puts his arm on Agnus’s shoulder_) So
we must ask you to excuse us.
DOLL BLONDIN
And what about me?
THE DEVIL
Aren’t the rooms good?
[_Doll Blondin nods._
THE DEVIL
And the food?
[_Doll Blondin nods again._
THE DEVIL
And the service?
DOLL BLONDIN
Yes—but—
THE DEVIL
Then what about you? And as for amusement: why, there’s Magnus. (_He
points to Schwartzenhopfel. Then he goes, almost dragging Agnus with
him_)
[_Agnus’s head is turned, with lack-lustre eyes, toward Fanny. They
pass out through the folding-doors, closing these behind them._
TROMPER (_whose indignation has been mounting, now vents himself
explosively_) Well, damn his nerve! I beg your pardon, ladies. Mr.
Magnus, you let a whippersnapper doctor talk that way to you? You! Why,
sir, I wouldn’t—I actually wouldn’t permit you to talk that way to me!
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_viciously_)
You wouldn’t?
TROMPER (_nervously_)
With all respect: no, sir.
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
Then you’re discharged.
TROMPER (_thunderstruck_)
Have you gone crazy, Mr. Magnus? Discharged? After twenty-five
years’service? After saving you hundreds of thousands of dollars?
MRS. FELIX (_putting her hand on his shoulder_)
John, that’s petty! That’s small, John. I never knew you to be petty or
small before.
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_to Mrs. Felix_)
Wait! (_To Tromper_) Saving? How?
TROMPER (_stuttering_)
Why, the Churchstead strike alone—
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_militantly_)
Strike! Ha! Go on! What did you do?
TROMPER (_miserably_)
You know well enough what I did, sir—
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
Tell me anyhow—
TROMPER
I locked ’em out, the bums!
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
What did they want? Just union rates, union hours; white men’s pay,
white men’s hours; not nigger slaves—?
MRS. FELIX (_admiringly_)
Bravo, John! You ’re shaping up!
[_The light moves closer, as if listening intently._
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_nodding_)
I told you to wait! (_To Tromper_) You beat them, didn’t you?
TROMPER
And a tough job! Strike-breakers weren’t enough—
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_to Mrs. Felix_)
New York thugs, gunmen—with brass knuckles, hand spikes, and
automatics—licensed to bruise, maim and kill—
TROMPER
Weren’t the strikers breaking windows and burning fences? Didn’t they
threaten to burn the works?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
Fighting for their children and their homes, they were—for the right
to have more than cattle or pigs—more than a place to sleep—and
enough food to keep them working. Food! Ha! Like gasoline put into a
motor-car—
TROMPER
I was fighting to save you money—
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
Against the men you used to work with, side by side, your own
blood-brothers—
TROMPER
No brothers of mine, those sweating, smelly ignorant dogs! I might have
been born one. That wasn’t _my_ fault. But I didn’t stay one.
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
No, and I’ll bet I know why. Because you spied on them, carried tales,
for little foreman jobs, and sweated more work out of them.
TROMPER (_bitterly_)
Always saving you money—
MRS. FELIX (_to Schwartzenhopfel_)
You see, John: all crime, bloodshed, murder finally comes back to
yourself. He said it: “_Always saving you money_.”
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
I’m going to change all that. Consequently I don’t need his sort any
more.
MRS. FELIX (_delightedly_)
You are? (_Suspiciously_) But so suddenly—what’s changed you?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_points toward the laboratory_) The—(_corrects
himself_) D—Doctor. (_Enthusiastically_) The trouble about us human
beings is that we don’t know nothing about nothing—
MRS. FELIX
Can’t you be moral and retain your grammar?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_disregarding her, enthusiastically_) Then he comes
along (_pointing toward laboratory_) and shows us that millionaires on
one hand—anarchists on the other—are one part right, ninety-nine parts
wrong—
FANNY (_bursts into wild tears again_)
And I’ve lost him! I’ve lost him!
[_Mrs. Felix comforts her._
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_to Tromper_)
How much have you saved? Not for me—for yourself?
TROMPER (_haughtily_)
I don’t save; I invest.
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
Worth half a million, aren’t you? Not above grafting some of that
sweat-and-blood money you saved for me, are you?
TROMPER
I defy you to prove it. I defy anybody. I’ve been strictly honest.
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
No matter, Tromper, no matter—you ’re fired! I never want to see your
face again.
TROMPER
You’ll regret this the longest day you live, you—
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
Be careful. I still own the judges and the politicians. Don’t try to
stand in my way, or I’ll job you into jail. Get out!
TROMPER (_suddenly whining_)
How am I to get back to New York?
MRS. FELIX (_touching Schwartzenhopfel’s shoulder_)
Don’t be little, John—
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_repressing himself_)
The automobile will take you back. Wait for it at the Inn.
TROMPER (_thinking he is relenting_)
One word, sir—
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
Not one. (_Points to the door_)
[_Tromper goes out abjectedly._
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_turning suddenly to valet_)
What do I pay you?
VALET (_alarmed on behalf of his own position_)
Only a hundred a month, sir.
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
And what you can steal, eh?
VALET (_earnestly_)
Mr. Magnus, sir.
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
Percentages from haberdashers and shirt-makers, tailors, bootmakers,
jewellers. Double bills: one for me, one for you—you pocket the
difference?
VALET (_astounded at his accuracy_)
Mr. Magnus, I swear—
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
Don’t perjure yourself. Take one hundred and fifty dollars a month—I’m
buying back your self-respect with the extra fifty and giving it to
you. But if you cheat again—remember, if you cheat again—jail!
VALET (_with tears in his eyes and choking voice_)
Sir—
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
Wait in there. (_Points to the door, and the valet goes out; then to
chauffeur_) And I give you?
CHAUFFEUR (_trembling_)
One hundred and twenty-five dollars a month, sir.
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
And the gasoline you take out every night and put back in the morning?
The extra shoes that don’t wear out? The valve-cleaning and new parts
that only figure in the bill? Other things—how much do they come to?
CHAUFFEUR
Mr. Magnus—
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
Don’t lie. Please—how much?
CHAUFFEUR (_whining_)
I don’t know, sir. Please—
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
Take one seventy-five and be a decent man—a skilled mechanic who
respects himself and his craft too much to be a thief. Will that do?
CHAUFFEUR (_thickly_)
If they all treated us like that, nobuddy ’ud steal except dirty
scoundrels, sir. (_Goes out_)
MRS. FELIX
You see: the generals make the morals of their soldiers. Let generals
loot a church-treasure, and the privates will loot a hen-roost. Magnus
steals a Subway. Therefore, his manager steals his profits, his valet
steals his stickpins, his chauffeur his gasoline.
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
Reform always begins at the top, _I_ know. The trouble with
us—(_corrects himself_) with Socialists and anarchists—they try to
begin reforms among the ignorant. It will take me many years to break
even with my criminal misunderstanding.
MRS. FELIX (_suddenly touched_)
I’ll help you. (_In a whisper_) I love you, John—
[_The light jumps._
MRS. FELIX (_with her hand on his shoulder_)
I’ve always wanted to say “Yes”—always hoped for the day when your
great brain would resent the petty use you were making of it—
[_Fanny does not hear this. For some time she has been sitting all
humped up, staring blankly into space. Doll Blondin sits in same
position, showing the same attitude, and the same lack of expression.
The two of them look more like decorative statues than human beings,
one on either side of the room. The light flies about distractedly.
Mrs. Felix slowly drawing the startled Schwartzenhopfel around until he
faces her and stares into her eyes._
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_stutters_)
When I’m—wor—worthy, I—I ’ll ask you to say “Yes” again—I don’t
de—deserve you yet—
[_Doll Blondin turns wearily around to watch them. Fanny does the same.
The light pauses, satisfied._
MRS. FELIX
John Magnus—you’re a great man at last— (_Smiling shyly, she
practically offers her cheek to be kissed_) Remember _my_ worthless
years, too, and _consider_ you’re worthy now—
[_The light begins again to fly about distractedly. Schwartzenhopfel
looks at it apologetically before he bends over to kiss her. The light
deliberately flashes between them. Both of them stand back dazzled._
MRS. FELIX (_blinking_)
What a powerful reflection! (_Smiling and holding out her hand to
Schwartzenhopfel, she bends toward him again_)
[_The light again flashes between them._
MRS. FELIX (_as they stagger back again_)
What is it, John? I see no mirrors or lenses—
DOLL BLONDIN (_who has been watching the light in an awed way ever
since she turned_) It doesn’t come from mirrors or lenses. (_In an awed
tone_) There’s something queer about that light—almost as if it were
human—
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
Non—nonsense!
MRS. FELIX (_noting his look_)
John Magnus! You—frightened?
DOLL BLONDIN (_pointing to the light_)
Look at it now, as though it was listening!
FANNY (_with a little cry_)
Mother! mother! Forgive me—
MRS. FELIX (_patting her hair_)
Forgive you—why, my dear?
FANNY (_shivering_)
I don’t know—but I’m afraid.—There’s something wrong in this house—
[_The light twitches as if trying to sneak out of the room._
FANNY (_with a little scream_)
Look at it—now!
[_The light stands still. The three women huddle together with that
feminine instinct that prefers to die with its worst enemy rather than
alone._
DOLL BLONDIN
Whenever he made a move to even touch you, it flew at him—
FANNY (_shrieking_)
It moved again!
[_Mrs. Felix clutches Schwartzenhopfel. Fanny gives another short
scream. At that moment the folding-doors fly open and Agnus reënters
quickly, disclosing The Devil inside._
THE DEVIL (_with his eye to microscope, examining slide_)
As well as I could do myself! Bravo! Bravissima!
AGNUS (_agitated_)
Can I do anything? (_Sees the tableau of the three frightened women,
clinging to Schwartzenhopfel; his eyes follow theirs, and he sees that
they are watching the light; then he falls back, holding his head_)
DOLL BLONDIN (_seeing Agnus’s look_)
See! He’s frightened, too.
THE DEVIL (_puts up the microscope and comes out_)
What’s wrong?
FANNY (_running to him_)
Addington, Addington!
DEVIL (_wearily_)
Not gone yet?
FANNY (_pointing to the light, which twitches sullenly_)
Addington, I’m frightened. What is it?
THE DEVIL (_shaken, but retaining his mastery_)
Oh—that? (_He tries to move over to the table and shake Fanny off_)
FANNY
Oh, Addington, don’t leave me! I’m frightened, I tell you, frightened!
THE DEVIL
I thought you wanted to know what that was?
MRS. FELIX }
}
What is it? }
}
DOLL BLONDIN }
}
Yes, what? } (_simultaneously_)
}
FANNY }
}
We do— }
THE DEVIL (_to Fanny in an irritated tone_)
Well, how can I explain while you hang on to me?—
FANNY
Just let me hold one hand—just your little finger—that’ll make me brave—
[_The Devil crosses to the table, scowling. Fanny tags after him,
holding on to one of his fingers. The Devil looks sternly at the light.
Then he turns to the women and touches the switch-key of the lighted
electric cigar-lighter._
THE DEVIL
When I turn this off, it will disappear! (_He waits for Magnus to
understand. Then, showily, he snaps off the electric-lighter, bending
down as if it required some effort_) You see?
[_The light does not budge._
DOLL BLONDIN (_since Fanny is looking admiringly at The Devil and Mrs.
Felix is hiding her head on Schwartzenhopfel’s shoulder_)
But it didn’t work!—
THE DEVIL (_looking up and seeing it, nonplussed and desperate_)
No?
DOLL BLONDIN
No. There it is. See?
THE DEVIL (_boldly_)
Nonsense. (_He fixes her with his eyes_) It’s gone: d’you hear? It’s
gone!
DOLL BLONDIN (_fascinatedly watching him_)
It’s gone?
MRS. FELIX
But _I_ see it!
THE DEVIL (_fixing her with his eyes_)
Nonsense. It’s gone, d’you hear? Gone!
MRS. FELIX (_with the same expression as Doll_)
Gone?
[_Fanny looks up._
THE DEVIL (_catching her eye before she can look at the light_) You
see, it’s gone, don’t you? Gone?
FANNY (_in the same manner as others_)
Gone?
THE DEVIL
And now, why haven’t _you_—gone?
FANNY
And leave her in the house? (_Nodding toward Doll_)
THE DEVIL
Is it your house?
FANNY (_boldly_)
Yes, it is!
THE DEVIL (_taken aback_)
What?
FANNY
Our house! (_Sweetly_) And, Addington, dear: it could be mine if I
sued you for breach of promise! You know I’d win—your letters are so
dear! And the engagement announcement that was in all the papers—and
our pictures together in that Sunday Supplement—I can’t imagine where
they get those pictures, can you? Framed heart-shape with the dearest
little Cupids shooting arrows at us—you know, how you loved it—
THE DEVIL (_revolted_)
I loved it!
FANNY (_continuing_)
And your money’s in trust, dear. You can’t touch the principal. So
you’d have to sell this house to pay my damages. And you know I
wouldn’t let you sell it, not to strangers—I’d just come and live in
it, going about every day and kissing things I knew your dear hands had
touched, and sitting in your favorite places, waiting for the day you’d
come back and we’d sit there together!
[_The Devil grits his teeth._
FANNY (_almost cloyingly sweet_)
Oh, you could come here every day and work in your laboratory. I’d let
you—you’d be quite welcome—
DOLL BLONDIN (_her sense of humor triumphing_)
You’re some sticker, sister—I gotta hand it to you. Talk about glue!
THE DEVIL (_desperately_)
You wouldn’t do that—your womanly instinct—your sense of shame—your
position in society—
DOLL BLONDIN
No use grasping at straws like that, Doctor. You’re gone!
MRS. FELIX (_in wonderment_)
I never imagined she had it in her. (_Mildly_) There’s no doubt she
loves you, Addington. No girl would endure the insults you’ve heaped on
her today—(_hastily_) not that she didn’t deserve them—
FANNY (_naïvely_)
I did—I was a selfish beast—
MRS. FELIX
She wouldn’t have admitted she was a beast just now—unless she loved
you—madly—
THE DEVIL (_bitterly_)
She knows I’ve got a check for two million in my pocket—
FANNY
Oh, I know I deserve that, too. But I wish you didn’t have the old
check just to prove to you—
THE DEVIL
You do?
FANNY (_hastily_)
No. I don’t mean that. Forgive me for being selfish. The check means
triumph for your work—
THE DEVIL (_grinning maliciously_)
Means houses in New York, and motors, and private railroad cars, and
boxes at the opera, too, doesn’t it?
FANNY (_earnestly_)
Addington, I’d be content to live on the top of a mountain if I had
you, dear.
THE DEVIL
That’s all right as a popular song, darling! (_He grits his teeth
again_)
AGNUS (_in agony_)
She means it, can’t you see? She’s changed. The fear of losing the man
she loves has made her forget all the little things—realizing that the
only big thing is—love!—
FANNY
Oh, Mr. Schwartzenhopfel, you have loved! _You_ understand. Make _him_
understand—
THE DEVIL (_to Agnus_)
You sentimental idiot! You think she means it, do you?
AGNUS (_boldly_)
I know it!
DOLL BLONDIN (_herself touched_)
Honest, Doctor, I believe she does.
[_Fanny looks gratefully at them._
THE DEVIL (_desperately_)
You see this? (_He thrusts the check under her nose_) What is it?
FANNY
The two-million-dollar check.
THE DEVIL
All right. (_He puts it in her hand_) Tear it up!
FANNY (_paling_)
But—Addington—your work—
THE DEVIL (_with a sneer to Agnus_)
You see? (_To Doll_) See?
FANNY (_joyously_)
I see, too! It’s wrong, but it makes me the happiest girl in the world.
THE DEVIL (_exasperated_)
What does?
FANNY
It’s wicked for me to feel that way—I know I shouldn’t.—Forgive me.
THE DEVIL (_shouting_)
What damned mare’s-nest have you foisted on me this time? What’s the
latest crazy eroticism you’re going to pretend to see in me?
FANNY
Don’t swear, dear. You’re above it. But as for the check: I understand
and I love you the more for it.
THE DEVIL (_shouting louder_)
Love me the more? By Saturn! this is too much—this passes all endurance—
FANNY
You’re angry because I’ve discovered your secret. Because you know now
that I know that no matter how much you try to make your work come
first, you can’t.
THE DEVIL (_swearing wildly_)
Oh, Jupiter! Oh, the Pleiades! Oh, the Milky Way, the Crab, and the
Gemini!—Where under the light of the sun or in the bowels of the
earth—in what corner of a lunatic asylum did you find that colossal,
preposterous and utterly insane hallucination of a disordered brain?
FANNY
In your heart, dear—in your heart. This morning I made you give up work
that was dearer to you than life. You promised. Your better nature made
you break that promise. Then I came again, tempting you; threatening
to leave you forever. Your heart betrayed you again. And—when I was
gone—you loathed yourself for your weakness.
THE DEVIL (_reduced to the frigid politeness of a man who realizes he
will be stricken with apoplexy if he allows his feelings to get the
better of him again_) I—I see—and now I should like to know—what was
the President of China thinking while in his bath this morning?—
FANNY (_placidly, seeing, in his loss of control her own dominance of
the situation_) Don’t sneer, darling. You loathed yourself for giving
in to me a second time. “Even though my heart is broken, I will cast
her out of it,” you said sternly.
THE DEVIL
Just like the kind of novels you read, wasn’t it?
FANNY
You had been so modest, dear, that I didn’t realize you were a great
man. That was your fault. “She doesn’t love me,” you said, “or she’d
want me to go on winning Nobel prizes and _being_ a great man. All
_she_ loves is the money I can make.” (_Triumphantly_) Am I right?
Isn’t that what you thought?
THE DEVIL (_wildly_)
You’re never right! And I never think.
AGNUS
You are right—you are!
THE DEVIL (_looking morosely at him_)
I’ll settle with you later—
[_Agnus, terrified, remains silent._
FANNY
Don’t be ashamed to concede a woman’s wit, dear. It’s all your
teaching. Today you taught me to use my brain. “All she loves is the
money I can make,” you said—
THE DEVIL
You said I said that once—
FANNY (_unheeding_)
And you _still_ believe it? Don’t you?
THE DEVIL
Yes.
FANNY
I know you do. That’s why you gave me the check. Sooner than marry
me—thinking that I was playing a part until I could get control of the
two million dollars—sooner than be married for your money you said:
“Tear it up.” And that shows you love me more than your work, more
than your future fame, more than the gratitude of the world—more than
humanity—more than everything. And it makes me love you more than ever.
(_She takes his hand_)
THE DEVIL (_almost in a shrill scream_)
Love me more than ever?
FANNY (_hurt_)
You don’t believe in me, yet?
THE DEVIL (_as before_)
No! No! No!
FANNY
Then—I’m sorry for you. Sorry for your work, your fame, your future.
But if I can’t make you believe in me any other way, why—then—here
goes. (_She twists up the check, strikes a match and lights it;
following an old childish game, she says_) He loves me, he loves me
not; loves me, loves me not. (_The flame scorches her fingers, but she
holds it long enough to say_) He loves me! (_Then she throws the last
blazing bit into ash-receiver and throws her arms around The Devil_)
MRS. FELIX (_judicially_)
I think now—Addington—you can be sure!
THE DEVIL (_wrenching himself free_)
Damn it!—Doesn’t she know that if Magnus will write one check, he’ll
write another!
FANNY (_her lip drawn_)
Oh, I forgot that! I forgot that! (_Sobbing on her mother’s breast_)
Oh, mammy, what can I do to prove it to him? This is my punishment—this
is my punishment!
DOLL BLONDIN (_to The Devil, herself in tears_)
She’s on the square with that stuff, old boy. Don’t be a devil!
THE DEVIL (_suddenly realizing_)
A devil: that’s what I am—a devil. No human being would act as I’m
doing, would he?
DOLL BLONDIN (_judicially_)
Oh, you’ll come out of it, now you see the girl’s all right, won’t you?
THE DEVIL
But suppose I didn’t?
DOLL BLONDIN (_indignantly_)
Then you _would_ be a devil! Not fit to associate with human beings.
FANNY (_crying to her mother_)
Can’t you think of something I can do to prove I’m not the same girl
who came here this morning?
MRS. FELIX (_crying_)
It’s my fault. If I’d been a good mother, instead of a good bridge
player—
AGNUS (_agonizedly_)
Oh! for God’s sake! Can’t something be done? I’ll kill myself—
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_who has also been moved, says now sharply_) Here,
here! (_In a hoarse whisper_) Don’t you go taking such liberties with
what don’t belong to you.
THE DEVIL (_who has been musing on what Doll has said_)
Not fit to associate with human beings. No, I guess not. (_Looking at
Schwartzenhopfel_) I should have remained the Dutchman with no human
ties. Sentiment and romance just make me ill.
DOLL BLONDIN (_indignantly_)
Shame on you! (_She goes over to comfort the other two women_)
THE DEVIL (_still musing_)
I suppose that’s how The Devil got his bad name. Trying to cure Faust
of Marguerite in order to use him for the world’s advancement. Same
ingratitude, same mix-up; everybody calling me names. (_Sharply to
Schwartzenhopfel, who has listened_) Very incorrectly reported, even
at that—very unjustly—that Faust affair. Those stupid Germans—when
they’re not drinking themselves into sentimental poetry, the ravings
of a disordered brain, they’re guzzling themselves into gloomy
philosophy—the pessimism of a disordered liver—and the fellow who
wrote up the Faust-Marguerite case had both maladies (_viciously_)
in their most virulent form! And that’s what most humans get their
idea of me from—when, actually, the case was just about like this
one—(_meditatively_) I wonder what I did to straighten things out that
time? (_Meditates_)
[_All the others watch him in awe._
FANNY (_lifting a tear-stained face, whispers_)
What is he saying, mammy? Is it about me?
THE DEVIL (_giving the Faust matter up_)
No use, I forget—
AGNUS (_piteously_)
You _will_ do something, won’t you?
THE DEVIL (_sadly_)
I suppose I ’ll have to. Humanity has to suffer as usual. Sentiment,
always sentiment, maudlin sentiment: that’s what keeps abuses
unrectified, men ignorant, women slaves, the world’s intellect
developing no faster than a snail crawls. Sentiment—maudlin
sentiment—and I’ve lived so long among men that the cancer’s in me, too—
AGNUS
You have got a heart then—they did wrong you. I’ll devote years to
setting you right in the eyes of the world.
THE DEVIL
What?
AGNUS (_stammering_)
A book!
THE DEVIL (_harshly_)
Set _me_ right in men’s eyes? Have _my_ conduct applauded by stupid
human beings? When the world applauds anybody whole-heartedly, without
a dissenting voice, be sure he’s a fool or a knave! Your whole being
has been in arms against me ever since I came to bring you wisdom. Now
that you think there’s a chance I’ll let you be a fool again, you talk
of setting me right! Let me be or I’ll repent it. (_To Fanny_) What
would you do if I made you realize that I don’t and can’t love you?
FANNY
I know you do.
THE DEVIL
But you can’t make me marry you?
FANNY
You wouldn’t want the scandal of a suit discrediting you with the world?
THE DEVIL
You’d do that, loving me?
FANNY (_gently_)
To bring you to your senses. You would be unhappy without me.
THE DEVIL
And unhappy with you.
FANNY
Not after the change that has come over me today.
THE DEVIL (_throwing up both hands_)
Useless—useless! I give in—I’m vanquished.
FANNY
Love conquers all, dear—
THE DEVIL
Oh, those damned novels! (_Fending her off_) Wait! Go in there! The
three of you. (_He points to the hall door_) Tell the chauffeur to get
ready to go back to New York, Fanny.
FANNY
One kiss, dear!
[_The Devil sighs heavily as he permits it._
FANNY (_in rapture_)
My dear one! My dearest!
[_The Devil points to door. Fanny goes with Mrs. Felix._
THE DEVIL (_to Doll_)
You, too!
[_Doll Blondin shrugs her shoulders and goes after the other two women._
THE DEVIL (_throwing himself down in utter weariness_)
I give in. I must find another body—go through another sentimental
riot before I can begin my work here again. Bernard Shaws don’t grow
in every village or every London. (_He rises and crosses toward the
window_) Oh, Mars! Mars! I’m homesick again. (_He stretches out his
hands_) Only a day away from you, and homesick already: homesick, how
homesick I am—
AGNUS (_trembling eagerly_)
I know, we’re not advanced enough for you yet. Why don’t you go back
and wait until we are?
THE DEVIL (_turning on him with a terrible look_)
Man! If I only could: if I only could! But this is my punishment, and
here—(_waves all about him_) is my hell. You—all of you—my friends,
my familiars, my imps, the red fellows that frightened your own
youthful dreams. Here is the fiery pit—here! But you are the Devils,
and I am the tortured soul. You are the flames—I am the burning body.
Yes, you:—for here is where Devils rule—this Earth is Hell! (_At the
window, his hands outstretched_) Here I am debased, my sullen angers
stirred, my soul held back from the Sun by inhuman humans who spend
their lives stanching a pretty woman’s tears, while a hundred thousand
fellow-creatures die for the want of a pound of summer ice, a basket
of winter fuel! You: who worship a Man of Peace, and make bloody war
in His Name; who worship a Prince of Purity, and wed the women of
your lust in His Name; who worship a Poor Man’s Christ, and in the
same breath those who steal the Poor Man’s Bread—in His Name. (_Looks
up to the sky_) You said I had ruled long enough, Crucified One! So
you came to do through men’s Love what I had done through men’s Hate,
Lust and Greed. So you died for men, and thereafter men called hate
Anger Against The Heathen; lust—the Woman Leading Them to Holier
Things; greed—World Conquest in your Name. (_Drops on his knees_) I
see you ever, Son of the Sun, sad and weary in that bright star of
your exile; hoping against hope that a stray seed sown two thousand
years ago may yet bring men to wisdom through Love. While I still go
on among them to bring them to Wisdom through Understanding, teaching
them that Ignorance and Hate bring no gain—the only reasoning they
can understand. And so sustained by you in your lonely star, while
you shine on hoping men will look up, ever up—I work bitterly among
them here below—until I have won Wisdom for them and Freedom for us;
freedom that we may go on to our Father, the Sun, we two Exiles; Star
of the Morning, and Red Light of Mars! (_While speaking thus, he seems
irradiated with a light hardly seen, only felt—a dim suffusing glow; he
stands for a second statuelike; then, as the glow fades, he says gently
to Agnus_) Are you ready?
[_Agnus hows his head._
THE DEVIL (_to Schwartzenhopfel_)
And you, too?
[_Schwartzenhopfel bows his head._
THE DEVIL
Then one word before I lose the power to speak. When I hover above you
again—a Red Light again—I will wait to see _you_, Magnus, and you too,
Agnus, each do a single thing. And when I have seen each of you do that
one thing, I will know you have begun to carry out my teachings—and the
Red Light will fade away in search of a new body and a new fortune. (_A
ring at the garden door interrupts him_) I will tell you—in there. (_He
points to the laboratory_)
[_Agnus, Schwartzenhopfel and the light go out hurriedly, The Devil
following. He is last seen by the audience, suffused in the glow
again, as he stands between the two folding-doors, bringing them close
together until they shut the laboratory and all within it from sight.
The ringing at the door grows louder and is followed by a series of
staccato knocks with a knocker. Mrs. Felix opens the hall door and
shows her face._
MRS. FELIX (_speaking to Fanny outside_)
There’s no one here. I suppose I should answer the door?
FANNY (_outside_)
By all means, mother.
[_Mrs. Felix goes to the garden door. Fanny trails in after her. Mrs.
Felix opens garden door for Professor Vanillity._
VANILLITY (_who comes in excitedly_)
I must see Addington, Mrs. Felix! At once! At once—
MRS. FELIX (_pointing to the laboratory_)
He’s in there.
VANILLITY
I must interrupt him once at least—at least once. (_He knocks at the
laboratory door—no response—knocks again—no response_)
VANILLITY (_desperately_)
I can’t help it: I must _see_ him.
[_He flings open the laboratory door, revealing the room with its
blinds drawn and Agnus, Schwartzenhopfel and Magnus seated in a sort of
stupor, side by side. Above them hovers a Red Light._
VANILLITY
Addington, my boy! Addington! (_He shakes him_)
[_Agnus opens his eyes slowly and sees Vanillity._
VANILLITY
Addington—just a moment alone—
AGNUS (_joyously_)
Addington.—You called me Addington.—Then it’s so—it’s so. (_He brushes
past Vanillity, runs into the room, disregarding women, and throws back
curtain from mirror_) It’s so! It’s so! (_Sees Fanny_) Fanny!
FANNY (_comes toward him eagerly_)
The actress is gone, dear. She said she wouldn’t stand in the way of
our happiness once I convinced her how much you loved me. I helped her
re-pack her trunks. (_Puts her hands out to Agnus_)
VANILLITY (_taking him aside before he can take Fanny’s hands_) One
minute, my boy, one minute. (_Leads him up-stage so that their backs
become turned to the others_)
MAGNUS (_in the meanwhile has opened his eyes and sees Agnus at mirror;
as Agnus moves up stage, he runs to mirror and sees himself_) It’s
so—it’s so—
VANILLITY (_in a low tone to Agnus, not seeing Magnus at mirror_) My
boy, I’ve been eating out my heart all day for permitting you to accept
that offer. But Judge Critty can break me like matchwood, just as Mr.
Magnus can break him. So I seemed to consent. But I do not. Don’t take
the offer.
[_Schwartzenhopfel, who has also opened his eyes and come down to the
mirror, now touches Magnus’s arm and nods approval of Vanillity._
VANILLITY
It’s damnable—
MAGNUS (_who has turned to listen, motioning Mrs. Felix and Fanny to
silence_) Damnable?—
VANILLITY (_turning around, white and trembling_)
Mr. Magnus! (_Recovering himself, with dignity_) I will tender my
resignation tomorrow, sir.
MAGNUS
Why?
VANILLITY (_bitterly_)
Don’t trifle with a broken man, sir. My university is in your debt. The
Judge is your mouthpiece. What you tell him to ask, my university will
not dare to refuse!
MAGNUS
I will tell the Judge nothing!
VANILLITY (_gasping_)
I—I—what, sir?
MAGNUS
But I _will_ tell the president of your university that he is old
enough to be a President Emeritus—with a pension—and I will name his
successor—(_pauses_) Professor Thomas Vanillity—
VANILLITY (_trembling_)
I can’t believe it, sir. You’re amusing yourself with me.
[_Magnus shakes his head._
VANILLITY (_desperately_)
Then—why?
MAGNUS
For proving you are not of Judge Critty’s stripe; for risking your
position at your age; for braving the anger of the rich and powerful,
to save your friend. We need such men as you to work with us—(_smiling
and holding out his arm toward Mrs. Felix_) the future Mrs. Magnus and
I—
[_Mrs. Felix comes forward._
MAGNUS
Loo!
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_nods toward the Red Light_)
Your promise!
MAGNUS (_remembers and motions Mrs. Felix back_) One minute! (_Then
sits down at the desk and takes out his check-book_)
AGNUS (_warmly_)
Mr. Magnus, the Professor feels too strongly to speak. (_He pats
Vanillity on back; then turns to Fanny_) Fanny!
[_Schwartzenhopfel nudges him._
AGNUS (_turning from Fanny_)
Eh?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_lifts his eyes_)
Your promise!
AGNUS (_follows Schwartzenhopfel’s glance and sees the Red Light_) Oh,
yes—thanks. (_Raises his hand to hold Fanny back_)
MAGNUS (_twirling check over shoulder to dry it_)
The torn-up check, Agnus. (_Rises_) Loo! (_Puts his arm about Mrs.
Felix_)
[_The Red Light wags._
AGNUS (_deliberately seating himself with his eyes on the Red Light_)
Get the check, Fanny. (_He takes a cigarette from his case_)
FANNY
Yes, dear. (_She goes for it_)
[_Agnus places the cigarette in his mouth. Fanny returns with the
check._
AGNUS
A light, please—
FANNY
Yes, dear. (_She reaches for the cigar-lighter, turns it on and lifts
it forward to him_)
[_Agnus ignites the cigarette, looking at the Red Light. The Red Light
wags, pleaded. It is growing dark outside—an early winter’s evening. A
star appears._
AGNUS (_patting Fanny’s hand_)
That’s a good girl! I’m sure—now you’ve had your lesson, we’ll be very
happy together. (_He puffs at the cigarette_)
[_The Red Light flies out of the window and disappears._
CURTAIN
*** End of this LibraryBlog Digital Book "The Red Light of Mars - or, A Day in the Life of the Devil, (A Philosophical Comedy)" ***
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