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Title: Within the Precincts
Author: Oliphant, Mrs. (Margaret)
Language: English
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*** Start of this LibraryBlog Digital Book "Within the Precincts" ***
COLLECTION
OF
BRITISH AUTHORS
TAUCHNITZ EDITION.
VOL. 1823.
WITHIN THE PRECINCTS BY MRS. OLIPHANT.
COMPLETE
TAUCHNITZ EDITION.
By the same Author,
_The Chronicles of Carlingford_:
THE RECTOR AND THE DOCTOR’S FAMILY 1 vol.
SALEM CHAPEL 2 vols.
THE PERPETUAL CURATE 2 vols.
MISS MARJORIBANKS 2 vols.
PHŒBE, JUNIOR 2 vols.
* * * * *
THE LAST OF THE MORTIMERS 2 vols.
MARGARET MAITLAND 1 vol.
AGNES 2 vols.
MADONNA MARY 2 vols.
THE MINISTER’S WIFE 2 vols.
OMBRA 2 vols.
MEMOIR OF COUNT DE MONTALEMBERT 2 vols.
MAY 2 vols.
INNOCENT 2 vols.
FOR LOVE AND LIFE 2 vols.
A ROSE IN JUNE 1 vol.
THE STORY OF VALENTINE & HIS BROTHER 2 vols.
WHITELADIES 2 vols.
THE CURATE IN CHARGE 1 vol.
MRS. ARTHUR 2 vols.
CARITÀ 2 vols.
YOUNG MUSGRAVE 2 vols.
THE PRIMROSE PATH 2 vols.
WITHIN
THE PRECINCTS
BY
MRS. OLIPHANT,
AUTHOR OF “THE CHRONICLES OF CARLINGFORD,” ETC.
_COPYRIGHT EDITION._
IN THREE VOLUMES.
VOL. I.
LEIPZIG
BERNHARD TAUCHNITZ
1879.
_The Right of Translation is reserved._
CONTENTS
OF VOLUME I.
Page
CHAPTER I. St. Michael’s 7
-- II. The Chevaliers’ Lodges 23
-- III. The Abbey Precincts 40
-- IV. Lady Caroline 62
-- V. At the Deanery 82
-- VI. Law 103
-- VII. A New Light 116
-- VIII. Triumph and Terror 129
-- IX. Visitors 150
-- X. The Minor Canon 171
-- XI. Another Evening at the Deanery 190
-- XII. Brother and Sister 209
-- XIII. Captain Despard 227
-- XIV. The Workroom 242
-- XV. Romance and Reality 261
-- XVI. The Signor’s Household 279
WITHIN THE PRECINCTS.
CHAPTER I.
ST. MICHAEL’S.
The Abbey Church of St. Michael’s stands on a low hill in a flat and
fertile country. The holy places which are sacred to the great archangel
seem to settle naturally upon a mount; and this, one of the noblest
structures consecrated under his name, had all the effect of a very high
elevation--so wide-spreading was the landscape round, so vast the sweep
of plain, fields, and woods, great parks and commons, and gleaming white
villages like ships at sea, which could be seen from its walls and
terraces. Though the settlement was ecclesiastical, the place had been
walled and defensible in the days when danger threatened wealth whatever
form it assumed. Danger, however, had long been far from the thoughts of
the dignified corporation which held its reverend court upon the hill.
The Abbey was as splendid as any cathedral, and possessed a dean and
chapter, though no bishop. It was of Late Gothic, perpendicular and
magnificent; and the walls and towers which still surrounded it, and
even the old houses within the precincts, were older still than the
Abbey, and could have furnished many “bits” to make the heart of a
mediæval architect glad. The very turf which filled the quadrangle and
clothed the slope of the Dean’s Walk was a production of centuries; the
Chapter House was full of historical documents, and the library of rare
books; and there were antiquarian fanatics who protested that the
wealthy livings belonging to the Abbey, and its old endowments, were the
least of its riches. Nor was this establishment on the hill confined to
ecclesiastical interests only. The beautiful church was the chapel of an
order of knighthood, and opposite to it--forming an integral part of the
pile of buildings--was a line of small ancient houses, forming a kind of
screen and inner wall of defence to the sacred citadel, which were the
lodges of a supplementary order of pensioners--Chevaliers of St.
Michael--which at the time of the foundation had given such a balance,
as the Middle Ages loved, of Christian charity and help, to the
splendour and braggadocio of the more glorious knights. Thus the little
community which inhabited this noble old pile of buildings was varied
and composite. The highest official in it was the costly and
aristocratic Dean, the lowest the lay clerks, who were housed humbly in
the shadow of the church in a little cloister of their own, and who
daily filled the Abbey with the noblest music. The Deanery was close to
the Abbey, and embraced in its irregular group of roofs the great
tower, which showed for miles round, with its lighted windows, rising up
into the night. The canons’ houses, if not equally fine, were still
great old houses, standing on the edge of the hill, their walls rising
straight from the green slopes dotted with trees, round the foot of
which a little red-roofed town had gathered; and the Abbey itself stood
between those stately habitations and the humbler lodges of the
Chevaliers, which shut off the lower level of sloping bank on the other
side. The Dean himself was of a great family, and belonged not only to
the nobility, but, higher still, to the most select circles of fashion,
and had a noble wife and such a position in society as many a bishop
envied; and among his canons were men not only of family, but possessed
of some mild links of connection with the worlds of learning and
scholarship,--even it was said that one had writ a book in days when
books were not so common. The minor canons were of humbler degree; they
formed the link between gods and men, so to speak--between the Olympus
of the Chapter and the common secular sphere below. We will not deceive
the reader nor buoy him up with hopes that this history concerns the
lofty fortunes of the members of that sacred and superior class. To no
such distinction can these humble pages aspire; our office is of a
lowlier kind. On Olympus the doings are all splendid, if not, as old
chronicles tell, much wiser than beneath, amid the humbler haunts of
men. All that we can do is to tell how these higher circles looked, to
eyes gazing keenly upon them from the mullioned windows which gave a
subdued light to the little rooms of the Chevaliers’ lodges on the
southern side of St. Michael’s Hill.
These lodges were two storeys in height, with small rooms and very solid
masonry, little gardens in front of them, and a tower at each end. Many
creeping plants clung about the old walls, and especially there were
clouds of Virginia creeper which made them glorious in autumn. It was,
however, on a summer afternoon, at the time this history begins, that
Lottie Despard--the only daughter of Captain Despard, a Chevalier not
very long appointed to that office--sat, with her head out through the
open window, framed between the mullions, watching the broad slope of
the Dean’s Walk which lay between her and the church, and led to the
Deanery and the heights beyond. The Deanery was at this moment the most
important place in the world, not only to Lottie, but to many other
spectators who thronged the slope beneath her window. For this day a
great event had happened in St. Michael’s. The Dean’s only daughter,
Augusta Huntington, had been married that morning with all the pomp
imaginable. It had been like a royal wedding, sumptuous in ritual, in
music, and fine company; and now, after taking a little repose during
the time which the wedding-party spent at breakfast, the Abbey
precincts were beginning to fill again with gazing groups, and all the
people within were coming to their windows to see the bride and
bridegroom go away.
Lottie Despard was beyond all comparison the prettiest, and she was also
the youngest, of all the ladies in the lodges. She was of Irish descent,
and she had the whiteness of skin, the blackness of abundant hair, the
deep blue eyes that so often go with Milesian blood. Such eyelashes had
never been seen at St. Michael’s; indeed, they had never been seen
anywhere “out of Mrs. Jarley’s waxworks!” some ill-natured critics said.
Sometimes, when Lottie was specially pale or weary, they seemed to
overshadow her face; but she was neither weary nor pale at this
particular moment. She was in great excitement, on the contrary, and
flushed with expectation. Though she was only the daughter of a poor
Chevalier, Lottie had advantages which separated her from the rest of
that little company. Her father was of good family, a point on which she
insisted strenuously; and she herself was the possessor of a beautiful
voice. The former particular would not have been of much advantage to
her, for what was the Despards’ old and faded quality to the great
people at St. Michael’s? But a voice is a different matter; and there
had arisen between Miss Huntington and the Chevalier’s daughter a kind
of intimacy very flattering (the neighbours thought) to Lottie. They
had sung together so much and seen so much of each other, that the
lodges expected nothing less than that Lottie would have been asked to
the wedding, or even--greater honour still!--to be a bridesmaid; and
Lottie herself had been wounded and disappointed beyond measure when she
found herself left entirely out. But there was still the possibility
that the bride might show she had not forgotten her humble friend
altogether; and it was for this that Lottie was waiting so anxiously as
the time of departure approached. A word, a sign, a wave of the hand
surely would be vouchsafed to her as the carriage passed. Her heart was
beating loudly as she leant out--a pretty sight to see from without, for
the window was framed in luxuriant wreaths of green, with trailing
tendrils of the young delicate leaves which in autumn flamed like
scarlet flowers against the wall. The people who were gathering on the
road below gave many a look at her. And, though the young ladies from
the shops, who had got half-an-hour’s leave to see how their handiwork
looked in the bride’s travelling-dress, were deeply sensible of the fact
that a poor Chevalier’s daughter was not much richer than themselves,
yet they could not help looking and envying Lottie, if only for the
window at which she could sit in comfort and see everything that went
on, instead of standing in the sun as they had to do. They forgot her,
however, and everything else as the carriage drove up to the Deanery to
take the bridal pair away. The Dean’s daughter was so much the princess
of the community that a compromise had been made between popularity and
decorum; and it was in a carriage partially open, that an admiring
people might behold her as she passed, that she was to drive away. There
was the usual long waiting at the door while the farewells were made,
during which time the outside world looked on respectfully; and then,
with a crowd of “good-byes” thrown after her, and a few--but only a very
few, for the Deanery was nothing if not decorous--white satin slippers,
and a prance and dash of the impatient horses, and a flourish of the
coachman’s whip, and a parting gleam of the wedding favour on his
breast, the bridal pair rolled rapidly past, and all was over. How
quickly they went, everybody said, and how well she looked; and how well
that brown dress looked, though it had been thought rather dowdy for
such an occasion; and the feather in the hat, how well it matched, about
which there had been so much trouble! Some, who had the time, paused to
see the wedding guests disperse, and catch other beatific glimpses of
fine bonnets and gay dresses; but most of the spectators, after this
last and crowning point of the performance, streamed down the slope and
out at the great gateway, and were seen no more.
Lottie drew in her head from the window the moment the carriage passed.
She grew red when other people grew pale, being pale by nature; and her
face was crimson as she withdrew it from the opening, and came in again
to the little room in which most of her life was spent. Her lips were
closed very tight, her soft forehead contracted; the fire in her blue
eyes, gleaming with anger and disappointment, was (most unwillingly)
quenched in tears. She clasped her hands together with a vehement clasp.
“It would have cost so little to give a look!” she cried; then bit her
lips and clenched her hands and stamped her foot upon the floor, in a
forlorn but vigorous effort to restrain her tears.
“What does it matter to you?” said a tall young fellow, sufficiently
like Lottie to prove himself her brother, who had looked out lazily over
her head while the carriage was passing. He had his hands in his pockets
and a slouching gait generally, and looked too big for the little room.
She had almost pushed against him in her rapid movement, for his
movements were never rapid; and he had not had time to take one hand out
of his pocket before she flashed round upon him with two red spots on
her cheeks and fury in her heart.
“What does it matter? Oh, nothing! nothing!” cried Lottie. “Why should
anything matter? It only shows me a little more, a very little more, how
cold the world is, and that nobody has a heart!”
“Few people have very much, I suppose,” said the young man; “at least,
so the governor says. But what good or harm could it do you to have a
parting sign from _her_? I knew she would never give it you. I knew she
would be thinking of nobody but herself----”
“What did you know about it?” cried the girl. “You were never a friend
of hers! you were never begged and prayed to go and sing at the Deanery!
she never came down the Abbey Hill to look for you! But me she has done
all that for; and when I thought just for once she would let everybody
see that Lottie Despard was a friend--Oh, Law, for the love of Heaven,
go and work at something, and don’t stand there staring at me!”
“What am I to work at?” said the young man, with a yawn. “It’s past
working hours; besides, in summer how can anyone work? I can’t make head
nor tail of that Euclid when the sun is shining.”
“But when the sun is not shining, Law?”
“Oh! then,” said the youth, with a smile breaking over his somewhat
cloudy face, “I can make out the head, but not the tail, and the sting
is in the tail, you know! Good-bye, Lottie, and never mind any mother’s
daughter of them. They cannot make us anything but what we are, whatever
they may do.”
“And what are we?” said Lottie to herself, as her brother strolled
lazily out. There was more air to breathe when he was gone, which was
something. She sat down upon the little old faded sofa, and shed a few
more bitter tears of disappointment and mortification. We all like to
think well of ourselves when that is possible; to think well of our
belongings, our people, our position in the world--all that makes up
that external idea of us which we make acquaintance with years before we
know our own real being. No one can tell what the atmosphere of
well-being, of external credit, and public esteem is to a child; and
this Lottie had never known. They had been poor, but poverty is no
hindrance to that feeling of harmony with the world around which is the
higher soul of respectability. But there had not been much about the
Despards to respect. The father had been a good officer in his day, and,
if he had not been without money and interest, and everything that could
help him on, might have been distinguished in his profession. But those
were the days of “purchase,” and Captain Despard had remained Captain
Despard, and had bitterly resented the fact. His wife, too, though she
was Lottie’s mother, had not been of a kind to reclaim for her husband
the failing credit of his life. They had lived as most poor officers on
half pay, with pretensions to gentility and hankerings after pleasure,
do live. They were in debt all round, as need not be said; and Mrs.
Despard’s life would have been rendered miserable by it if she had not
escaped from the contemplation by means of every cheap merry-making or
possible extravagance she could attain to. All had been huggermugger in
Lottie’s early life; a life not destitute of amusements, indeed, but
full of bitterness, small mortifications, snubs, and the cold shoulder
of social contempt. Lottie herself had heard in childish quarrels,
through the frank recriminations of her childish companions, the
frankest statements of what other people thought of her parents; and
this had opened her baby eyes prematurely to the facts of the case. It
must be supposed that there was some respectable grandpapa, some precise
and orderly aunt in the Despard kindred, who had given to Lottie a
nature so different from that of her immediate progenitors. As she grew
older everything about her had looked to Lottie as the fairy splendour
looked in the eyes of the disenchanted human spectator. Her mother’s gay
dresses, which she once thought so pretty, came to look like the
miserable finery they were; her mother’s gaiety had become noise and
excitement. Her father’s grand air grew the poorest false pretension;
for must he not know, Lottie thought, how everybody spoke of him, how
little anyone thought of his assumption? And the house was miserable,
dirty, disorderly, mean, and gaudy, full of riot and waste and want and
poverty--one day a feast, another nothing. Even careless Law--the big
boy who was too much at home, who was scarcely ever at school, and who
often had no clothes to go out in--even Law saw how wretched it was at
home, though he was hopeless as well as careless, and asked his sister
what was the good of minding, what could they do? But Lottie was not of
the kind which can let ill alone, or well either, for that matter. She
did mind; and as she grew older, every week, every day, added to the
flame of impatience in her. Just, however, when ruin seemed coming
beyond the possibility of further staving-off, Mrs. Despard fell ill and
died; and Lottie at sixteen was left alone, miserable, with remorseful
thoughts of having secretly blamed the mother who was now out of reach,
and to whom she could never make amends for those injurious secret
fault-findings; and full of anxieties unspeakable--forlorn wonderings
what she was to do, and eagerness to do something. Her grief, however,
was lightened by the feeling that now she had everything in her hands
and could “make a change,”--even when it was made more heavy by the
thought that she had found fault in her heart with the mother who was
dead. It seemed to the girl that she must be able, by dint of devoting
herself to it, to change everything--to keep the house in order if she
did it with her own hands, to pay the bills, wherever the money came
from. She was overflowing with life and energy and activity, and
disapproved of all the ways of the past. She was like a new king coming
to the throne, a new ministry of idealists bent upon undoing all their
predecessors had done, and doing everything as it ought to be done.
Alas, poor Lottie! the young king with all the stiff precedents of a
hundred years against him, the young ministry confronted by a thousand
problems, and finding their ideal pronounced impracticable on every
side, were nothing to the heaven-born reformer of the household with a
pleasure loving impecunious father to whom debt was second nature, and
who had always preferred fun to respectability. And she dashed at her
reforms too boldly, as was natural to her age, insisting upon brushings
and sweepings till Betty threw up her situation, and asking for money
till her father swore at her. “It is to pay the bills, papa! I want to
pay the bills!” she had said, reduced to plead for that which she
thought she had a right to demand. “D---- the bills!” was all Captain
Despard replied.
And even Law, when Lottie tried to order him off to school, was
unmanageable. He was no reformer like his sister, but on the whole
preferred going just when it suited him and lounging at home between
whiles. To be sure home was less amusing now that poor mammy, as they
called her, was gone. Her laughter and her complaints, and her odd
visitors, and all her slipshod ways, had kept noise and movement, if
nothing more, about the house. The tawdry women and the shabby men who
had been her friends were all afraid of the dulness which naturally
follows a death in the family. Some of these women, indeed, had come to
Lottie all tears and kisses, offering to stay with her, and asking what
they could do; but their sympathy did not comfort the girl, who even in
her deepest grief was all tingling with plans and desires to be doing,
and an eager activity and impatience to make the changes she wished. But
they fluttered away, every one, when the first excitement was over and
the dulness that is inevitable fell upon the house. To do them justice
there was not one among them who would not have come daily to “sit with”
Lottie, to comfort her with all the news that was going, and tell her
that she must not mope. But Lottie wanted none of their consolations,
and did not miss her mother’s friends when they abandoned her. She did
not miss them, but Law did. Yet he would not go to school; he sat and
made faces at her when she ordered and scolded him. “If I didn’t do what
_she_ told me, do you think I will do what you tell me?” said Law; and
then Lottie wept and prayed. “What will become of you, Law? what will
you ever be good for? Papa has no money to leave us, and you will not be
able to do anything.”
“Who said I wanted to do anything?” said Law flippantly; and then, “who
said I should not be able to do anything?” he added, with offence. “I
can pick it up whenever I like.” But Lottie, preternaturally, awfully
wise, feeling the burden of the world upon her shoulders, knew that he
could not pick it up when he pleased. She knew that education had to be
acquired painfully, not sipped a little mouthful at a time. She had
never had any education herself, but yet she knew this, as she knew so
many things, by instinct, by constant critical observation of the habits
which she disapproved. There are few more vigorously successful ways of
finding out what is right, than by living among people whom we feel
indignantly to be wrong.
“You may think what you like,” she said, “Law--but I _know_ that you
cannot learn anything in that way. Three days at home and one at school!
I wonder they let you go at all. I wonder they don’t turn you out. I
wonder they did not turn you out long ago!”
“And that is just what they are always threatening to do,” said Law
laughing; “but they have not the heart of a mouse, the fellows at the
grammar-school. And they’ll never do it, though I shouldn’t mind. I
should be free then, and never have to trouble my head about anything at
all.”
“You’ll have to trouble your head when you have to work and don’t know
how,” said Lottie. “Oh, if I was a boy! It’s no use wishing, I am only a
girl; and you are a great lump, neither one nor the other; but if I were
only a boy, and could get something to do, and a little money to pay
those bills----”
“Oh, dash the bills, as papa says. He doesn’t say ‘dash,’” said Law,
with provoking calm; “but, then, I mustn’t swear.”
“Oh, Law, I should like to beat you!” said Lottie, clenching her little
fists in impotent anger and setting her teeth. But Law only laughed the
more.
“You had better not,” he said, when he had got over his laugh, “for I am
a deal stronger than you.”
And so he was, and so were they all, much stronger than poor Lottie;
even Betty, who would not scrub, but who was too well used to all the
ways of the family and aware of all their troubles, to be sent away. She
fought for a time hard and bitterly, striving with all her might to
clean, and to dust, and to keep things straight, to the infinite
discontent of everybody concerned. But yet perhaps the girl’s struggles
were not utterly without use; for when the next astonishing change came
in their lives, and their little income was suddenly increased by half,
and a removal made necessary, Captain Despard, of his own accord, turned
Lottie’s despair in a moment into hope and joy. He said, “Now, Lottie,
you shall have things your own way. Now you shall see what you can do.
This is a new start for us all. If you can keep us respectable, by Jove,
you shall, and nobody shall stop you. A man ought to be respectable when
he’s made a Chevalier of St. Michael.” Lottie’s heart leaped up, up from
where it lay fathoms deep in unutterable depression and discouragement.
“Oh, papa, papa, do you mean it? Will you keep your word?” she cried,
happy yet dubious; and how he kept it, but with a difference, and how
they set out upon this new chapter in their career, shall be told before
we come back again to Lottie in her proper person, in the little drawing
room in the Chevaliers’ quarters within the Abbey precincts, on Miss
Huntington’s wedding-day.
CHAPTER II.
THE CHEVALIERS’ LODGES.
The name of a Chevalier of St. Michael sounds very splendid to innocent
and uninstructed ears. It is a title which stands alone in England at
least. Poor Knights have been heard of both in flesh and blood and in
confectionery, in other places; but the title Chevalier is preserved in
St. Michael’s, and there alone. Lottie thought it very imposing, and her
heart leaped, partly with a sense of her own injustice all her life to
her father, of whose merits, in youthful irreverence, she had hitherto
thought but little. He must be, she thought involuntarily, a great deal
braver, better, and altogether of more importance than she had supposed,
when his qualities could win him such a distinction from his country;
for that it was a distinction accorded by the country Lottie had no
manner of doubt in those days. She was overawed and overjoyed: first of
all on account of the people in Fairford, where they had hitherto lived,
and who had shown but little respect for the family: but much more on
her own account. She felt reconciled to herself, to her kind, to all her
circumstances, when she reflected that she was the daughter of a
Chevalier of St. Michael, and that Betty would never leave Fairford, and
that Captain Despard had expressed himself in favour of respectability
as a thing to be cultivated. Life suddenly took a new aspect to her. She
thought they would be able to shake off every incumbrance when they went
away. Her father would henceforward live a stately and dignified life as
became his position. He would not haunt the place where billiards were
played, and wear a number of shabby coats, each worse than the other,
but every one with a flower in it. The flower, which most people would
have thought a softening clause, was intolerable to Lottie; it looked
like a piece of braggadocio, a wilful defiance of public opinion or
declaration of independence. But henceforward if he must wear a flower
it must be at least in a tolerable coat; henceforward he would be trim
and smooth, and come in at a respectable hour; henceforward there should
be no bills except weekly ones, and Law should go to school--nay, Law
was too old for school now--but at least he would read with a tutor, and
grow into a creature of whom his sister might be proud. Perhaps this was
but another way of expressing the domestic tyranny of which Lottie’s
will was full. She was so anxious to be able to be proud of her father
and brother; was not that another way of saying that she wanted to get
them up, or down, to her feminine standard, and control and bind and
keep them at her apron-string? So, perhaps, a cynic might have said.
But Lottie was unconscious of any such intention. She was eager to have
something which she had not, the opposite of what she had--and thus,
too, it may be said, she fell into a commonplace.
But when the family got to St. Michael’s, Lottie’s hopes came to a
melancholy conclusion. Not only did Captain Despard remain very much the
same, which was a thing that most people anticipated--and Law decline
the tutor, upon whom Lottie had set her heart, but St. Michael’s itself
and the Chevaliership turned out something very different from the
girl’s exalted expectations. She found that this office was not looked
upon on the spot as a reward of distinguished merit bestowed by the
country, but only as a sort of retiring pension for a number of old
soldiers whose friends had interest enough to have them thus provided
for. She found a hierarchy of a totally different kind constituted and
reigning, in which the Chevaliers had no place. And she found
herself--she whose chief inspiration was this proud and eager desire to
be somebody--in a place where she could never be other than nobody, and
where no nobler self-denial on the part of her father, no virtue in Law,
could call forth the acclamation of the world. In Fairford there were
people as poor as themselves whom all the world thought well of, and of
whom Lottie was envious; but here she was one of a class who were poor
among the rich, and did not get the social honours which many of them
deserved; while at the same time, close before her eyes, daily visible,
appeared another class which seemed to fulfil all Lottie’s requirements:
refined people with beautiful houses, living serene in an atmosphere of
universal respect. But alas, these were ecclesiastical people, not the
Chevaliers: and showed little disposition to notice Lottie. Lottie did
not like this. She had expected something so different. Society, she
thought, and a brighter world were going to open upon her; and lo!
nothing at all opened upon her that was new. It is very hard, especially
when you feel yourself to be, as the proverb says, as good a gentleman
as the king, to find yourself in contact with a higher class which
ignores you. Most of us have to bear something of the kind, and learn to
take it with philosophy. But Lottie was very young and sadly
disappointed. Nobody took any notice of her save the other Chevaliers,
their wives and daughters, and these were not very much more splendid
people than the society she had been used to. Lottie was sore, and
disappointed, and humbled in her own conceit.
And there was another way in which the word of promise was kept to her
ear, with far other meaning than she had hoped. Captain Despard had a
very serious interview with his daughter when they arrived in their
little house. He called her out of the little box which was her
drawing-room to the other little box where he had established himself,
and deigned to enter upon the question of income.
“Now, Lottie,” he said, “you have chosen to bother me lately about
money, and expressed views which I could not sanction about weekly
bills.”
“Only to save you trouble, papa,” said Lottie; “if we do it every week,
we may hope to keep within our income; but how can you ever do that when
you leave butchers and bakers for a year?”
“My child,” said Captain Despard, with his grand air, “circumstances
have enabled me to yield to your wishes. I don’t say if it’s a system I
approve or don’t approve. I say to myself, Lottie is my only girl, and
she is like her dear mother; she shall have her way. From this day, my
dear, the new income which I receive from my country will go straight
into your hands. It is but a pittance. A poor soldier stands a poor
chance in these times, but such as it is, my love, it shows your
father’s trust in you. Take it, Lottie, and pay your bills according to
your pleasure. I will ask no questions; weekly, monthly, or once a
quarter, as long as I have a bit of dinner and a cup of coffee when I
want it. Your father’s confidence in you is perfect, Lottie, and I leave
it all to you.”
“Papa!” said the girl, trembling, half delighted, half frightened, half
taken in by that grand air. But he would hear no more. He kissed her
forehead with the favourite action of the _père noble_, and hurried
away. “No thanks, my child; no thanks,” he said.
It _was_ a pittance. Lottie stood where he left her gazing after him,
her veins tingling with mingled disappointment and pleasure. To the
inexperienced it seems always possible to do a great deal with a little,
and the power of paying bills at all seemed a heavenly power. But
Captain Despard chuckled to himself as he went away. He had purchased by
that fine address the right to be disagreeable ever after, to wave his
hand loftily, and to decline all knowledge of details. “Keep to your
bargain, my dear, and I’ll keep to mine,” he had the right to say; and
whereas some of his former income always had to be wasted upon the
household, let him make what resistance he would, at least that would be
the case no longer. Thus Lottie had her way, but in such a changed form
that it no longer seemed her way. With the addition of the St. Michael’s
allowance she had hoped that there would be plenty for all needs; but
what was she to do with the St. Michael’s allowance and no more?
Nevertheless, Lottie plucked up a heart. To feel that she had something
was always exhilarating, and inexperience has wild hopes which knowledge
does not venture to share. Her little room was full for a week after of
little bits of paper scribbled over with calculations. She was
determined to do it. If the dinner was not good enough for papa, he must
just go and dine elsewhere. And there was no Betty to make herself
disagreeable, but only a young girl, whom Lottie, heaven save her! meant
to train. Once a week or so Law and she could very well do without a
dinner. They were both still great on bread and butter, and capable, not
knowing anything about digestion, of swallowing innumerable cups of tea.
Her fond hopes of furniture and “picking up things” to make the little
old house pretty, must be relinquished, it was true; but, still, at
nineteen one can put up with a great deal in the present. There is
always the future, so much of the future, like the sky and the plain
from St. Michael’s Hill, spreading above, below, everywhere, without
limit or bound, save in the eyes which can only reach a certain
distance. So Lottie comforted herself for “just now,” and marched on
into her life, colours flying and drums beating, taking as little heed
as she could of those stragglers who would always fall out of the
ranks--her father always shuffling off to some new haunt or other, the
places which such men find out by instinct in the least-known locality,
and large loose-limbed Law, whose vague career was always dubious, and
who could not keep step. Never mind! Lottie herself set out, brave, head
erect, eyes straight, all her faculties in fullest attention to the roll
of her own cheerful drum.
The earliest part of her career here, however, was brightened yet
disturbed by a discovery which considerably confused her mind in her
outset, and seemed to open better prospects before her. Lottie found out
that she had a voice. She had known that she could sing long before, and
had performed many a time in the little parlour at Fairford to the
admiration of all hearers, singing every new comic song that burst upon
the little provincial world from the music-halls in London, and knowing
no better, so long as she was a child. There was no harm in the songs
she sang, nothing but absolute silliness and flippancy, such as are
natural to that kind of production; but as Lottie grew into womanhood,
and began by instinct to know better, she gave them up, and knowing no
others except some ancient sentimental ditties of her mother’s, gave up
singing so far as a musical creature can give up what is another kind of
breathing to her. But when she heard the choir in the Abbey church,
Lottie woke up, with such a delightful discovery of what music was, and
such an ecstatic finding out of her own powers, as words cannot express.
She had an old jingling worn-out piano, and had “learned to play” from
her mother, who knew nothing about it, except as much as could be taught
to a school-girl twenty years before; but this meagre instruction, and
the bad instrument, and the half-dozen “pieces” which were all Mrs.
Despard’s musical library, had not attracted the pupil, and it was not
till she heard the organ pealing through St. Michael’s, and the
choristers singing like angels--though they were not like angels out of
doors--that Lottie awoke to a real consciousness of her own gift. She
had never had any education herself. Though she was so anxious for
school for Law, it had not occurred to her that she wanted any
schooling. Lottie was narrow-minded and practical. She did not
understand self-culture. She wanted Law to learn, because without
education he could not do anything worth speaking of, could not earn any
money, could not get on in the world. Perhaps it is true that women have
a natural inclination to calculate in this poor way. She did not care a
straw for the cultivation of Law as Law--but that he should be made good
for something, get a good situation, have some hopes of comfort and
prosperity. For herself, what did it matter? She never could know enough
to teach, and Captain Despard would not let his daughter teach; besides,
she had plenty to do at home, and could not be spared. She could read
and write, and do her accounts, the latter very well indeed; and she had
learned to “play” from her mother, and she could sew, rather badly at
first, rather well now by dint of practice. What did a girl want more?
But Lottie discovered now that a girl might want more.
“Is there any place where they will teach you to sing without money?”
she said one day to old Mrs. O’Shaughnessy, her next-door neighbour, the
old lady of all her neighbours whom Lottie liked best.
“Me jewel!” cried the old lady; “is it without paying youre meaning?
They send an account if you do but look at them here, me dear.”
“All of them?” said Lottie; “for I can sing, and I should like to learn
to sing; but, you know, I can’t pay--much----”
“I know; nothing at all, if you’re like us, me honey. But maybe you’re
better off. O’Shaughnessy, we don’t make a secret of it, rose from the
ranks, and we’ve never had a penny--I don’t care who knows it--barring
our pay.”
“We are not like that,” said Lottie, drawing herself up. “Papa was
always a gentleman” (“Then I don’t give much for such gentlemen,”
murmured the other Chevalier’s lady, under her breath), “and we have a
little. That is--I mean, that he has a little--papa has a little”--the
girl said on the edge of a confidence; and then stopped suddenly short.
“It don’t do much for the children, I’ll go bail,” said the old lady.
“That’s the worst of fine gentlemen, me dear. O’Shaughnessy he asks me
for a shillin’ when he wants it, bless him--and that’s the only way when
there’s small pay. Singing, is it? If you’re always to make such a stand
on being a lady, me friend Lottie, I don’t see how I can help you; but
if you will come in free and comfortable, and take a dish of tay when
Rowley’s there--oh, to be sure, puff! my lady’s off--but there’s no harm
in him; and he’ll make you die with laughin’ at him, him and his
airs--but they tell me he has the best voice and the best method of any
of the lay clerks.”
“A singing man!”
“Well, and that was what ye wanted!” said the old woman. “You know as
well as me, Miss Lottie, there’s no singin’ woman here.”
Lottie protested that she could not consent to appear in such
company--that papa would not allow it--that it was impossible. But she
ended by promising to “run in” before old Major O’Shaughnessy began his
rubber, and see this singing man. And the result was that, half out of
friendship for his Irish hosts who did not pretend to be above him, and
half out of pride to be interrogated so graciously about his invalid
daughter by a young lady who gave herself such airs, Rowley, the first
tenor, agreed for so low a rate as had never been heard of before to
train Miss Despard’s beautiful voice. “If the young lady had been a
little boy, and if the Signor could but ha’ gotten hold on it!” Rowley
said, in enthusiasm. It was the voice, which is impersonal, of which he
spoke, and the Signor was the organist. But good fortune had not as yet
thrown him in Lottie’s way. Soon, however, Rowley began to whisper it
about that he had got a pupil who was quite good enough for Exeter Hall,
if not for the Italian Opera, and the whole community was interested.
Lottie herself, and her pretty looks, had not attracted any notice--but
a voice was a very different matter. And then it was that steps were
taken to make, for Lottie’s behalf, a practicable gap in the hedge of
prickles which surrounded the Cloisters and kept intruders out. Miss
Despard was invited to join the St. Michael’s Choral Society, in which
the Divinities on the hill did not disdain to mingle their voices even
with the lower-born outside the Abbey walls. And when it became known
what a voice Lottie’s was, a remarkable thing happened. The Dean
_called!_ It was not Lady Caroline, but the Dean; and a gentleman’s
visit, as is well known, is not the same thing as a lady’s. But Lottie,
who knew nothing of the laws of society, was flattered and happy, and
saw a hundred lovely visions unfolding before her when the Dean invited
her to go to a private practice, which was then going on in the Deanery
drawing-room. “My daughter bade me fetch you, Miss Despard, if you would
be good enough to come,” he said, gravely; but waited very impatiently
till she was ready, in great terror lest “the father” should make his
appearance, and his visit be construed into a call upon Captain Despard.
Lottie put on her hat with her heart leaping and bounding. At last she
had done it! At last Paradise was opening before the Peri! At last the
wrongs of fate were to be set right, and herself conveyed back into her
natural sphere. She went by the Dean’s side demurely, with downcast
eyes, across the slope to the Deanery garden. The very stones felt
elastic under her feet, there was a ringing of excitement and delight in
the air and in her ears. She arrived breathless at the door, though they
had not walked fast. So absorbed was she by all that was about to happen
that Lottie never thought of the sensation that ran through the Abbey
when the Dean was seen walking to his own dignified door in company with
Captain Despard’s daughter. Miss Despard? Lottie? The Chevaliers, and
their wives and daughters, could not believe their eyes.
Lottie held her head as high as usual when she came back. It no longer
drooped with diffidence and delight. Once more she had come down with a
jar into the realms of reality from those of hope. She was not received
with open arms in that higher celestial world. Miss Augusta Huntington
said, “How do you do, Miss Despard?” very sweetly, but Lady Caroline
only bowed with her eyelids--a new mode of salutation which Lottie did
not understand--and kept aloof; and no one else said anything to Lottie,
except about the music. They gave her a cup of tea when all was over,
but Lottie had to drink it in silence, while the others laughed and
chatted. She was not of them, though they had brought her among them for
the sake of her voice. “Are you going, Miss Despard?” said the Dean’s
daughter, putting on the same sweet smile. “We are so much obliged to
you for coming. The next practice is next Tuesday. Will you come as
early as possible, please?” It was on Lottie’s lips to say “No”--to tell
them that she was a lady too, a better gentlewoman than they were, since
she would not have treated any stranger so. But she was fortunately too
shy to say anything, and made her exit hastily, and not so gracefully as
the others, who were at home. But she would not allow, even to herself,
that she had come down again in that painful tussle with reality, which
is so much different from dreams. She kept very quiet and said nothing,
which seemed the wisest way. And as she walked home with a much more
stately gravity than was her wont--a state put on to console herself for
humiliation and disappointment, and to vindicate, so to speak, her own
dignity to herself, but which the lookers-on gave a very different
interpretation of--Mrs. O’Shaughnessy, nodding and smiling, and in a
state of great excitement, threw up the window and called to her, as she
was going past. “Come up, come up, and tell me all about it,” the old
lady said, so audibly that some of the ladies and gentlemen who had been
in the Deanery turned round to look, and smiled at each other, making
Lottie furious. As she could not stand there and explain before all the
world, Lottie obeyed the call, and rushing upstairs to the kind old
Irishwoman’s little bit of a drawing-room, appeared, crimson with shame
and wrath at the door.
“How could you call out so loud and make them laugh?” she said, with a
strong inclination to burst into hot tears.
“Laugh, was it? and sure I’m ready to laugh too. To see you and his
Reverence the Dean, Miss Lottie--no less would serve you!--arm in arm
like a pair of young----”
“We were not arm in arm,” said Lottie, stamping her foot. Then she had
the sense to perceive that the wicked old Irishwoman would but laugh the
more at her petulance. She put her music on the table with a recovery of
her dignified manners, and sat down.
“What did he say to ye? and what did me Lady Caroline say to ye? and
were they all wild over yer beautiful voice, me honey?” said the old
lady. “Come, take off your hat, me pet, and ye shall have the best cup
o’ tea in the Abbey. And tell me all about it,” she said.
“I have had a cup of tea, thank you,” said Lottie. “Oh, yes, they are
all nice enough. Nobody talked to me--but then, I didn’t expect them to
talk to me. They wanted me to sing--and I sang; and that was all.”
“And what more would you have, me jewel?” said Mrs. O’Shaughnessy. “Now,
you take my advice, Lottie. I’m old, and I know the world. Take what you
can get, me dear, and wait till your time comes. Don’t go and take
offence and throw up the cards, and lose all you’ve got for a tantrum.
Tantrums pass off, but life goes on. If they don’t speak to you, it’s
their loss, for you have a clever little tongue o’ your own. And you’ll
not be long there till they find out that. Don’t say a word, me honey.
I’ll not bother you; but never take offence with the gentry----”
“The gentry!” cried the girl furious, starting to her feet. “I am as
much a lady as any of them--and more, for I would not be such---- I
would not be unkind----”
“Well--well--well! There, I have put my foot in it!” said the old lady.
“I was thinking of meself, me dear, as if ye were a girl of my own. But
you _are_ a lady, honey; one has but to look at you,” said the astute
old woman; “and just you wait a bit, and all will come as it
ought--sure, I know it will.”
Lottie did not much trust the assurance, but she took the advice,
feeling a quick admonition within herself as to the absurdity of her
complaint, and the horrible possibility of anybody supposing that she
felt herself not to be of the gentry, as good as any Dean’s daughter. So
she went to the next practice, taking no notice of any want of courtesy:
and the result was that there arose a kind of intimacy, as has been
indicated, between Miss Huntington at the Deanery and the daughter of
the Chevalier--an intimacy, indeed, of a peculiar kind, in which all
that was given came from the side of the poorer and more insignificant,
and the great young lady was content with taking all that poor Lottie
was so willing to give. She sang the solos in their private little
concerts, and though her science was less perfect than her voice, her
ear was so good that Lottie was able to be of a great deal of use. They
sent for her when they had parties, when there was anyone who wanted
entertaining, and put Lottie to the only unnecessary personal expense
she had ever gone into--a white muslin frock to make her presentable
among that fine company. And thus she had gone and come, and had been
called upon on all occasions, but without making any nearer advance than
at first. Lady Caroline still made her a little inclination of her
eyelids, though now and then she went so far as to say, “How do you do,
Miss Despard?” All of this, however, Lottie would have pardoned, if the
bride, when she went away, had but at least remembered her, and made her
some little sign of farewell.
CHAPTER III.
THE ABBEY PRECINCTS.
The bells began to ring for evensong soon after the bridal party
dispersed. Some of them, indeed, stayed for the beautiful service, which
was a thing that visitors from a distance thought a great deal of, and
there were a number of fine bonnets and dresses in the stalls when
Lottie went in. The daily service was part of the daily life of the
dwellers in the Abbey. There were those who went for devotion, and those
who went for the music, and those who went because they had nothing else
to do. It was an occupation and an amusement at the same time, and some
people thought it a duty. To listen to the service more or less
critically, to note if any of the boys’ voices were breaking, and
whether Rowley sniffed as usual, or Bowler, the great bass, was hoarse;
to observe how the minor canons sang, if they were in too great a hurry
to get through the service, and who it was that read the lessons; to
look at any notable persons that might be there; visitors to the
Deanery, or other persons of distinction; to walk in the nave while the
Signor played the voluntary; and finally to pause and talk to one’s
friends before going home to tea, was the established rule of St.
Michael’s. The old Chevaliers mixed with the ladies, here and there one.
They were obliged to go in the morning, and they seldom repeated their
church going in the afternoon; but still there were always two or three,
and very interesting to strangers were the old soldiers, with their old
moustaches and upright bearing. Some of them might have been veteran
generals well entitled to command an army, and, indeed, there was valour
enough among them, and such achievement as personal bravery is still
capable of--enough to equip a dozen generals; but fortune had not been
on the side of these noble old soldiers; and you may be sure there were
no prosperous commanders among them. They stood about on the terrace in
front of the Lodges and talked for five minutes or so before they went
in to tea. But Lottie, when she came out of chapel and saw the last of
the fine people streaming away in their light dresses through the aisle,
did not feel much disposed to go indoors to Law and the bread and
butter. They could wait. She went and leaned on the low wall close to
the library and gazed out upon the landscape below. At the foot of the
slope was the street of the little old town, a sweep of steep masonry,
with old-fashioned red houses, like trees in autumn, on the other side;
and beyond these the river meandered between its leafy banks in endless
windings, and the great breadth of champaign swept away towards the
horizon. At this time of the year it was rich and cloudy with foliage:
the trees arranging themselves in every kind of way, singly and in
clumps, and groves, and long hedgerows, and surrounding every house and
every village and every church spire as far as you could see. The
billowy greenness thus spreading far into the silvery-grey of the
distance; the sky of a pale blue, faint with summer heat and long
drought: stretched out like a map before the gazer from that mount of
vision. The mottled clouds were floating together and rolling into
masses as if with the intention of putting a stop to this long reign of
brightness, and the level lines of the landscape and the great vault of
the sky dropped together into a haze which also spoke of rain. Lottie
leaned disconsolately over the wall, spreading abroad her thoughts over
this vast breadth of space and silence. She let them go like a flock of
birds flying to all the winds. Thoughts! they were not thoughts but
feelings, vague movements of the mind, half sentiment, half-personal
sensation. Why she should have been so deeply affected by this marriage
she could not have told anyone. She did not herself know. It seemed to
penetrate through and through her system of life, unsettling everything.
After the disappointments of her beginning at St. Michael’s, this
connection with the Deanery had seemed a thread of promise, a clue to
something better; not a very splendid promise indeed, but still
something; a little link of ambition which looked finer and more noble
after it was snapped than it had ever done before. It was not very noble
in itself. Lottie felt vaguely that to have so strong a desire for
admission within that charmed circle was not a very lofty thing. The
people she had seen within it had not satisfied her ideal. Except that
they dressed better (some of them at least), they had been very much
like the humbler classes with which she was acquainted; and to wish for
a footing among them only because they were better off and more highly
thought of than her own neighbours, was not an elevating sentiment. In
the perpetual disappointments to which she had been subject, the slights
she had been obliged to put up with, Lottie had felt a great many pangs
of shame mingled with the stings of humiliation. She had felt that it
was the poorest of ambitions which had taken possession of her. And now
that it was over, this sense of unworthiness still mingled with her
consciousness of failure and exclusion. But though it might not be a
door into heaven, still to feel that it was shut, to be obliged to turn
away, and to see no other door at which she could enter, was hard. Her
heart sank down into painful depths of abandonment, and tears came to
her eyes in spite of herself. She had nothing to cry about, but her lips
quivered and two big tears rose and hung suspended under her long
eyelashes, so filling up the whole space before her, that Lottie saw
nothing but a waving greenness and blueness, a blurred shadow of earth
and sky.
It was just at this moment, while she was still uncertain whether she
could get these tears swallowed or whether they must fall, betraying
her, that she was aware of some one at her elbow. “I think we shall have
rain, Miss Despard,” said a deliberate voice; “do you not think we shall
have rain? The summer has been so fine that we have no right to grumble.
You were the one lady in all St. Michael’s whom I most wanted to see.”
“I, Signor? I do not know what you should want with me,” said Lottie,
forced by circumstances into rudeness. She did not want to be rude, but
the shock of his sudden address had brought down that shower, falling
like drops of a thunderstorm, and she would not turn round to show him
her wet eyes. He smiled a little to himself at this petulance, and that
was all. He was used to waywardness in young ladies. He was a spare,
olive-coloured man, not tall, but wiry and close-knit. He had all the
aspect of an Italian and the name; but he was not really an Italian,
being an Englishman born, a good Tory and a good Churchman, and all that
the organist of St. Michael’s ought to be. But he was not disinclined to
keep up a mystery on this score, having a little love of mystery by
nature, and feeling, musically, that his foreign name and looks were in
his favour. How far back the Signor had to go for his claim to be
considered an Italian, nobody knew, but everybody (except the perverse
and disagreeable, who would occasionally say Mr. Rossinetti to annoy
him) called the musician the Signor. His complexion, his moustache, the
wonderful dark eyes, which were the chief feature in his face, were all
of Southern origin; and he spoke with a curious deliberation and clear
pronunciation of every syllable, which almost looked as if, at one time,
there had been difficulties about the language, and as if he had not
courage even yet to take any liberties with it. But his accent was as
good English as could be desired; and in respect to this as well as to
all other questions about his origin the community of St. Michael’s were
entirely in the dark, as he intended them to be.
“This event,” said the Signor, in his clear slow voice, “will bring our
little societies, our practisings, to an end, Miss Despard. We were
getting on very well. I am sorry to come to an end of anything, and of
these above all.”
“Yes, I suppose so,” said Lottie, drearily. “Will it, do you think? She
had not very much of a voice.”
“No; but there are other things besides voice. You have a very beautiful
voice, Miss Despard.”
“But I have nothing else,” said Lottie, forgetting her precautions and
turning quickly upon him; “that is what you mean to say? And you never
even allowed before that I had a voice.”
“No, not much else,” said the deliberate organist; “you have no science,
no method. You don’t know how to manage what you have got. It is a fine
organ by nature, but you cannot produce it as you ought, because you do
not know how. To have so much and to do so little is a great pity. It is
a waste of a great gift, it is----”
“How dare you tell me all this to my face?” said Lottie, transported
with vivid anger. She would have taken it more quietly if she had not
been weakened in spirit by the discouragement into which she had fallen
before. Her fierce, sudden glance was even still unwillingly softened by
the wetness of her eyes. But the Signor did not flinch. There was a kind
of smile in his own as he met her look. He was not afraid of her. He
looked, indeed, amiably, genially at Lottie--as she had never seen him
look before--and as she turned round she became aware that he was not
alone. Over his shoulder, with an alarmed, indignant aspect, which half
amused while it consoled her, was another face with which Lottie was
very well acquainted. It was the face of his favourite pupil, a young
man who followed the Signor about like his shadow, always a few steps
behind him, always in devout contemplation of him. But young Purcell was
not of this mind to-day; he was looking at his beloved master with a
mixture of rage and pathos very droll in their combination. Lottie was
easily moved, and almost before the words of defiance had left her lips
a laugh forced itself after them. She had to turn round again to conceal
the conflict of sudden mirth in her face.
“Would you rather I said it to others than to you? No, because that
would do you no good----”
“And do you really think that I--I----” Why should she laugh? Young
Purcell’s face brightened slightly, but took a still more curious look
of bewildered inquiry. As for the Signor, he thought she had become
hysterical, which he believed was a common weakness with womankind in
general, and he was alarmed.
“I beg you a thousand pardons if I have seemed rude,” he said. “All that
I wanted was to begin the conversation; for I have--a little proposal to
make.”
“Do you call that beginning a conversation to tell me I am quite
ignorant, and cannot sing, and waste my voice?” said Lottie, recovering
her indignation. “It is not a very civil way.”
“Miss Despard, I think you will miss the society’s singing, and I want
to tell you it was not good for you. These people were dazzled by your
voice,” said the organist, with unintentional confusion of metaphor,
“and they made use of it. All these fine people, they make use of us,
and often forget to say ‘thank you.’ I was sorry that you should suffer,
_too_; so was Purcell; he knows what it is--a little. And you have had
no teaching, you have not had a thorough professional training as he
has----”
Lottie turned upon him with flashing eyes; and this time she did not
laugh at the young man who, over the Signor’s shoulder, followed every
movement of hers with such eager attention. His look of wonder and fear
was not less comic than the other changes which had come over his
countenance, but she took no notice of it. “I don’t know what you mean,”
she said, “by professional training. What do I want with professional
training? What has Mr. Purcell to do with it? What do you mean, or how
should I suffer? If they thank me, or if they don’t thank me, what is
that to me?”
The Signor cast a glance round at young Purcell, who answered with a
look of despair. “If you would but confide in us, we thought we could
help you. Indeed, Miss Despard, it is no presumption on Purcell’s part,
only a fellow-feeling----”
“Only a feeling--of respect!” This Purcell timidly gasped out, with
alarm painted on every feature. Lottie, turning her back to the wall and
confronting the two musicians, solemnly made them a very awful curtsey.
It was an art she had learned (though the teacher was unaware of the
fact) from Lady Caroline; and therefore it was of the very finest and
most imposing kind.
“The puzzle is,” she said grandly, in a voice not unlike Lady
Caroline’s, “what the link between us may be.”
They were both silenced by this speech, and by her imposing aspect
generally; for Lottie was very handsome, and this defiant grandeur
suited her. Purcell felt disposed to sink into the earth, and showed it;
but as for the Signor, he was less alarmed, and, indeed, a little
amused--he had seen a great number of heroines, both in public and
private life.
“It is always wrong to beat about the bush,” he said. “Perhaps I have
made a mistake; I thought you probably intended to sing, Miss Despard,
as a profession.”
“I!” Lottie’s voice broke into a half shriek. “I!” The suggestion gave
her a shock which it was hard to get over. She felt a trembling of
giddiness and insecurity, as if the ground had suddenly been cut from
under her; she could have cried for mortification, injured pride,
horrible humbling and downfall. She who had been mourning this change as
taking from her all chance of ascent into the society she had a right
to, the society she really belonged to, and they thought it was
professional work, a profession that she was thinking of! She drew back
unconsciously to the support of the wall, and propped herself by it.
She could have cried, but pride would not let her. “You are mistaken,
altogether mistaken,” she said. “I don’t suppose that you mean to insult
me; but you forget that I am a gentleman’s daughter.”
Here the ghost of a smile flitted across the Signor’s olive-coloured
face. It was as momentary as the passing of a shadow, but yet Lottie saw
it, and it stung her as nothing else could have done; she was angry
before, but this excited her to passion. She could have flown at him and
strangled him for this smile; she understood it well enough. “You
smile!” she said. “You think, perhaps, that a poor Chevalier, a soldier
who is not rich, is not a gentleman. You think it is only money that
makes a gentleman. There are many people who are of that opinion; but,”
said Lottie with a smile, “you will perhaps not be surprised if I think
differently. I will bid you good evening, please, now.”
“One moment,” said the Signor; “you must not go away with a wrong
impression. Forgive me the mistake, if it is a mistake. You are
mistaken, too, Miss Despard, if you think a gentleman’s daughter may not
sing--to the great generous public as well as to poor little coteries
that never say thank you. You mistake, too; but never mind. I meant to
have offered, if you would let me, to help you----”
“Thank you, very much!” said Lottie with great state, “it is not
necessary. When I want lessons, I can--ask for them, M. Rossinetti.”
She had been about to say _pay_, but Lottie was honest, and though she
longed to inflict the insult, would not say what was not true. She did
not even see young Purcell’s pathetic looks as he gazed at her, with the
air of a suppliant on his knees, over his master’s shoulder; but she saw
the half shrug of the Signor’s shoulders as he stood aside to let her
pass. And perhaps had she but known it there was something comic, too,
in the dignity with which she swept past with a little wave of her hand.
It was like Lady Caroline, though Lottie did not intend it to be so. The
two musicians stood looking after her as she walked majestically
homewards, with so many commotions in her bosom. She had to pass through
the little square in which the lay clerks lived, on her way, and as if
to accomplish Lottie’s humiliation, Rowley the tenor--who was her
teacher--was standing at his door as she passed. The Chevaliers of St.
Michael’s took little notice of the lay clerks as, may be supposed
(except the O’Shaughnessys, who were not particular); and though Lottie
was his pupil, Rowley had never transgressed the due limits of
respectfulness or pretended to any friendship with the young lady. But
the wedding had affected the morals of St. Michael’s generally, and made
a revolution for the day; and as Lottie passed, the tenor took advantage
of the opportunity. “How are you, Miss?” he said, with a sniff and a
lurch which showed the source of his boldness; “won’t you come in and
have a chat? won’t you come in and have some tea with my little girl,
Miss Lottie?” Good heavens! what had Lottie done to be addressed in this
way? and she knew that the two others would hear this demonstration of
intimacy. She rushed past, stumbling over her dress, wild with
resentment and mortification. This was what it was to be poor, to be in
a false position, to be a poor gentlewoman among the rich! One
mortification had followed another, so that she did not know how to bear
it. Augusta’s neglect, the Signor’s insulting suggestion, and Rowley’s
familiarity! Lottie did not know which was the most hard to bear. She
never drew breath until she had reached her own door.
“Is that you, Lottie? and where have you been?” said Law. “Let’s have
tea now; I’ve been waiting and waiting, wanting to go out, and wondering
what had become of you.” He had begun his bread and butter on the spot.
“Where is papa, Law?”
“Papa? How should I know? You didn’t expect him, did you? I say, I’m
going out--do make haste. And look here! I wish you’d speak to him,
Lottie. I wish you’d tell him he oughtn’t to; I’d give twenty pounds (if
I had it) not to have such an uncommon name!”
“It is a very good name--better than anyone else’s I know. The Despards
never were anything but gentlemen.”
“Oh! it’s a great deal you know about it,” said Law, with a groan.
“Perhaps once upon a time we were somebody when everybody else was
nobody! But when it turns the other way, when we are nobody and
everybody else somebody, and when it’s known where-ever you go whose son
you are----”
“You don’t need to continue nobody,” she said; “you are a boy, you can
do what you like. If we are down now, _you_ need not stay down, Law. But
then you must not hang about and lose your time any longer. If you will
work, you can soon change that.”
“Can I!” said the youth; “that shows how much you know. I have never
been taught to do anything. If I had been put apprentice to a butcher or
a baker when I was young--but you never did anything but bully me to
work and go to school. What good is school? If you are to do anything,
you ought to be taught when you are young. I have been mismanaged. I
doubt if I will ever be good for much now.”
“Oh--h!” cried Lottie, with a deep breath of aspiration from the depths
of her chest, “if it was only me! I should find something to do! I
should not be long like this, lounging about a little bit of a place,
following bad examples, doing no work. Oh, Law! if I could put some of
me into you; if I could change places with you! Fancy what was said to
me to-day: the Signor came up to me when we came out of church, and
asked me if I was going to sing--for a profession.”
“By Jove!” cried Law! he woke up even from his bread and butter, and
looked at her with sparkling eyes.
“I had almost said, ‘You may be very glad my brother is not with me to
hear you ask such a question.’ But on the whole I am glad you were not.
I said all that was necessary,” said Lottie with dignity. “He will never
repeat such an insult again.”
“By Jove!” Law repeated, taking no heed of what she said, but looking at
her with visibly increased respect. “Do you mean to say that he thought
you good enough for that?”
“Good enough!” she said, with severe contempt. “I always knew I could
sing; even poor mamma knew. But I did not condescend to say much to
them. I said, ‘I am a gentleman’s daughter,’ and walked away.”
“Well, girls are very funny,” said Law. “How you bully me about working!
morning, noon, and night, you are never done nagging; but the moment it
comes to your own turn----”
“To my own turn!” Lottie looked at him aghast.
“To be sure. Oh, that’s all very fine about being a gentleman’s
daughter. We know pretty well what that means, and so does everybody. I
wonder, Lottie, you that have some sense, how you could be so silly? He
must have laughed.”
“Oh, hold your tongue, Law! I suppose they think nothing counts but
money. When you are poor you are always insulted. I should not care for
money, not for itself, not for the gold and silver,” said Lottie; “nor
even so very much for the nice things that one could buy; but, oh, to be
above people’s remarks, to be known for what you are, not looked down
upon, not insulted----”
“It depends upon what you call being insulted,” said Law; “if any man
had said that to me, I should have thought him next to an angel. What is
insulting about it? If you like money (and who doesn’t like money?) why
there’s the easiest way in the world of getting it. Sing! I’d sing my
head off,” said Law, “if that was all that was wanted. And you sing _for
pleasure_; you _like_ singing! I can’t tell what you are thinking of. If
I had known you were so good as that--but one never thinks much of one’s
own sister, somehow,” the youth added, with easy frankness. He was so
much excited, however, that he left his tea, and strode up and down the
room (three paces and a half, that was all the size of it) repeating “by
Jove!” to himself. “If you mean not to do it, you had better not let
_him_ know you could do it,” he announced, after an interval. Never in
his life before had the easy-going young man been so moved. “It’s
untold the money they make,” he said.
As for Lottie, her whole being was in a ferment. She looked at her
brother with a gasp of pain. The bread and butter had no charms for her
on that night of emotion. She took up her basket which was full of
things to mend, and sat down in the window, speechless with vague
passion, pain, discontentment. Lottie was not a wise or enlightened
young woman. She had not even taken the stamp of her age as many people
do who are not enlightened. She had never learned that it was desirable
that women should have professions like men. Her thoughts ran entirely
in the old-fashioned groove, and it seemed to her that for “a
gentleman’s daughter” to work for her living, to be known publicly to
work for her living, was a social degradation beyond words to express.
It implied--what did it not imply? That the family were reduced to the
lowest level of poverty; but that was a small part of it--that the men
were useless, worthless, without pride or honour; that they had no
friends, no means of saving themselves from this betrayal of all the
secrets of pride. These were the foolish feelings in her mind.
Gentlemen’s daughters were governesses sometimes she had heard, and
Lottie pitied the poor girls (orphans--they were always orphans, and
thus set aside from the general rule), with an ache of compassion in her
heart; but it was her private impression that this was a stigma never
to be wiped off, a stain, not upon the girl, but upon her family who
could permit such a sacrifice. Lottie’s view of sacrifice was one which
is rarely expressed, but which exists not the less among women and all
other persons from whom sacrifices are demanded. Could Alcestis have the
same respect after for the man who could let her die for him? Could she
go on living by his side and think just the same of him as if he had
borne his own burden instead of shuffling it off upon her shoulders? The
ancients did not trouble themselves with such questions, but it is a
peculiarity of the modern mind that it does. And Lottie, though her
point of view was very old-fashioned, still looked at it in this modern
way. When Law, whom it was impossible to stir up to any interest in his
own work, became so excited over the thought of a possible profession
for her, she looked at him with something of the feeling with which
Isabella contemplated the caitiff brother in his prison who would have
bought his life by her shame. What! would he be “made a man” in such a
way? would he buy idleness and ease for himself by exposing her to a
life unworthy of “a gentleman’s daughter”? She knew he was lazy,
careless, and loved his own gratification; but it hurt her to her very
heart to think so poorly of Law, who was the only being in the world
whom she had ever been able to love heartily as belonging to herself.
Let it not be thought, however, that any unwillingness to work for Law,
to make any sacrifice for him, was at the bottom of this disappointment
in him. She was ready to have worked her fingers to the bone, indoors,
in the privacy of the family, for her father and brother. She did not
care what menial offices she did for them. Their “position” demanded the
presence of a servant of some kind in the house, but Lottie was not
afraid of work. She could sweep and dust; she could cook; she could mend
with the most notable of housewives, and sang at her work, and liked her
people all the better because of what she had to do for them in the
course of nature. That was altogether different; there was no shame to a
lady in doing this, no exposure of the family. And Lottie was not of the
kind of woman who requires personal service from men. She was quite
willing to serve them, to wait upon them if necessary, to take that as
her share of the work of life; but to work publicly for her living, what
was that but to proclaim to all the world that they were incapable, that
they were indifferent to their duties, that there was no faith to be put
in them? If Law had leaped up in wrath, if he had said, “No, it is my
place to work; I will work; no one shall say that my sister had to earn
her living,” how happy, how proud Lottie would have been! That was the
ideal for a man. It was what she would do herself if she was in his
place; and, oh, if she could but put herself in his place, and do what
Law would not do! oh, if she could but put herself, a bit of herself,
into him, to quicken the sluggish blood in his veins! When Law, having
exhausted all that was to be said on the subject, went out (and where
did he go when he went out?), Lottie sat at the window and darned and
darned till the light failed her. She ploughed furrows with her needle
in the forefinger of her left hand; but that did not hurt her. Oh, if
she could but move them, inspire them, force them to do their duty, or
at the worst do it for them, so that the world might suppose it was they
who were doing it! That was the aspiration in her heart; and how
hopeless it was! “Oh, if I could put some of me into him!” Lottie
thought, as many a helpless soul has thought before her. But to move out
from the shadow of the house, and betray its nakedness, and take the
burden visibly on herself, that was what Lottie felt she would rather
die than do.
Meanwhile, in the soft evening, various people were promenading up and
down between the Abbey church and the lodges of the Chevaliers. Some of
the old Chevaliers themselves were out, with their wives hanging on
their arms. Either there would be two old gentlemen together, with the
wife of one by his side, or two ladies with a white-haired old gallant
walking along beside them, talking of various things, perhaps of
politics when there were two men, and of any signs of war that might be
on the horizon; and if two were women, of the wedding, and how Lady
Caroline took the marriage of her only daughter. The Signor was
practising in the Abbey, and the great tones of the organ came rolling
forth in a splendour of softened sound over the slope with its slowly
strolling groups. Some of the townspeople were there too, not mixing
with the others, for the Signor’s practising nights were known. The moon
began to climb after a while behind the Chevaliers’ lodges, and throw a
soft whiteness of broad light upon all the pinnacles of the Abbey; and
Lottie dropped her work on her knee, unable to see any longer. When the
moon rose, she was thrown into shade, and could watch the people with
the light in their faces at her ease. And by and by her attention was
caught by two single figures which passed several times, coming from
different directions, and quite distinct from each other. They both
looked up at her window each time they passed, calling forth her
curiosity, her scorn, her laughter, finally her interest. Watching them
she forgot the immediate presence of her own annoyances. One was the
young musician Purcell, at whom Lottie had secretly laughed for a long
time past, at his longing looks and the way in which the vicissitudes of
her countenance would reflect themselves in his face. But the other she
could not for a long time make out. It was not till, seeing no one, he
stood still for a full half-minute in the light of the moon, and looked
up at her, that she recognised him--and then Lottie’s heart gave a jump.
It was young Rollo Ridsdale, Lady Caroline’s nephew, the best man at the
wedding; and what could he want here?
CHAPTER IV.
LADY CAROLINE.
Lady Caroline was in the drawing-room at the Deanery alone. Now that her
daughter was married this was no unusual circumstance. It was late in
the summer evening, after dinner, and she lay on a great square sofa so
placed that the view from the large window was dimly visible from it,
had she cared for the view. As a matter of fact, at no hour of the
twenty-four, however bright or tempting it might be, did Lady Caroline
care much for the view; but still, when a room is artistically arranged,
such a possibility cannot be altogether kept out of consideration. This
evening, however, there was no light to see anything by. The room was
dark, nothing distinctly visible in it but the great broad Elizabethan
window which filled one end. The upper part of this window was filled
with old painted glass in silvery tinted quarries, soft greys and
yellows, surrounding the golden and ruby glories of several blazons of
arms, and drawing the eye irresistibly with the delight of radiant
colour; underneath opened the great plain all dim and wide, a suggestion
of boundless air and distance rather than a landscape, while in the
room itself nothing was distinct but here and there a glimmer of
reflection from a mirror breaking the long line of the walls. Nor was
its only occupant very distinguishable as she reclined upon her sofa in
absolute stillness and tranquillity. The lace on her head and about her
throat showed faintly white in the corner, that was all. Perhaps if the
mind could have been seen as well as the body, Lady Caroline’s
individual soul, such as it was, would have told for little more amid
the still life around: a something vaguely different from the chairs and
softly cushioned sofas, a little more than one of the dim mirrors, a
little less than a picture, was this human creature to whom all the rest
belonged. She had lived irreproachably on the earth for a number of
years (though not for nearly so many years as the most of her
furniture), and fulfilled all her functions very much as they did,
honestly holding together, affording a temporary place of repose
occasionally, convenient for household meals, and ordinary domestic
necessities. Perhaps now and then Lady Caroline conferred something of
the same kind of solace and support which is given to the weary by a
nice warm soft easy-chair, comfortably cushioned and covered; but that
was about the highest use of which she was capable. She was waiting now
quite tranquilly till it pleased the servants to bring her lights. They
were in no hurry, and she was in no hurry. She never did anything, so
that it was immaterial whether her room was lighted early or late, and
on the whole she liked this dim interval between the active daylight,
when people were always in motion, and the lamps, which suggested work,
or a book, or something of the sort. Lady Caroline, though she had not
very much mind, had a conscience, and knew that it was not quite right
for a responsible creature to be without employment; therefore she made
certain efforts to fulfil the object of her existence by keeping a
serious volume on the table beside her, and putting in a few stitches
now and then in a piece of wool-work. But at this hour there was no
possibility for the most anxious conscience to speak, and Lady
Caroline’s was not anxious, only correct, not troubling itself with any
burden beyond what was necessary. It may be supposed, perhaps, that she
was sad, passing this twilight quite alone, so soon after the marriage
and departure of her only daughter; but this would have been a mistake,
for Lady Caroline was not sad. Of course she missed Augusta. There was
no one now to wake her up when she dozed, as now and then happened, in a
warm afternoon after luncheon; and, as a matter of fact, one or two
visitors had actually been ushered into the drawing-room while her head
was drooping upon her right shoulder, and her cap a little awry. But at
this tranquil hour in the dark, when nobody expected anything of her,
neither without nor within--neither conscience, nor the Dean, nor
society--it cannot be said that any distressful recollection of Augusta
mingled with her thoughts. Nor, indeed, had she any thoughts to mingle
it with, which was perhaps the reason. She was very comfortable in the
corner of her sofa, with nothing to disturb her. Had Jarvis her maid
been at hand to tell her what was going on in the precincts, or any bit
of gossip that might have floated upward from the town, it would
probably have added a little more flavour to her content; but even that
flavour was not necessary to her, and she was quite happy as she was.
Some one came into the room as she lay in this pleasant quiet. She
thought it was Jeremie coming to light the candles, and said nothing;
but it was not so dignified a person as Mr. Jeremie, the Dean’s butler,
who was generally taken for one of the Canons by visitors unacquainted
with the place. This was indeed a shirt-front as dazzling as Jeremie’s
which came into the soft gloom, but the owner of it was younger and
taller, with a lighter step and less solemn demeanour. He gave a glance
round the room to see if anyone was visible, then advanced steadily with
the ease of an _habitue_ among the sofas and tables. “Are you here, Aunt
Caroline?” he said. “Oh, you are there! Shall I ring for lights? it must
be dull sitting all by yourself in the dark.”
“If you please, my dear,” said Lady Caroline, who, having no will of her
own to speak of, never set it in opposition to anybody else’s;
answering a question as she did thus promptly, there was no occasion at
the same time to answer a mere remark.
“I am afraid you are moping,” he said, “missing Augusta. To be sure, it
does make a great difference in the house.”
“No, my dear,” said Lady Caroline, “I can’t say I was thinking of
Augusta. She is quite happy, you know.”
“I hope so,” he said, laughing. “If they are not happy now, when should
they be happy? the honeymoon scarcely over, and all sorts of delights
before them.”
“Yes; that is just what I was going to say,” said Lady Caroline; “so why
should I mope?”
“Why, indeed?” He took his aunt’s soft hand into his, and caressed it.
Rollo was fond of his aunt, strange though it may appear. She had never
scolded him, though this was the favourite exercise of all the rest of
his family. When he came home in disgrace she had always received him
just the same as if he had come in triumph. Whoever might find fault
with him for wasting his talents, or disappointing the hopes of his
friends, his Aunt Caroline had never done so. He could not help laughing
a little as he spoke, but he caressed her soft white hand as he did so,
compunctious, to make amends to her for the ridicule. Lady Caroline, it
need not be said, attached no idea of ridicule to his laugh. “But I
have come to tell you,” said Rollo, “that I have been out again walking
up and down the Dean’s Walk, as I did the night of the wedding, and I
have not been able to hear a note of your singer--the girl with the
wonderful voice.”
“Did I say there was a girl with a wonderful voice, my dear? I forget.”
“Not you, but Augusta; don’t you remember, Aunt Caroline, a girl in the
Cloisters, in--in the Lodges, a Miss--I don’t remember the name. Lottie
something, Augusta called her.”
“Ah! Augusta was too ready to make friends. It is Miss Despard, I
suppose.”
“Well; might we not have Miss Despard here some evening? If her voice is
as fine as Augusta said, it might be the making of me, Aunt Caroline. An
English _prima donna_ would make all our fortunes. And unless I hear
her, it is not possible, is it, I appeal to your candour, that I can
judge?”
“But, my dear!” “But” was a word which scarcely existed in Lady
Caroline’s vocabulary. It meant an objection, and she rarely objected to
anything. Still there was a limit to which instinct and experience alike
bound her. She was not unkind by nature, but rather the reverse, and if
there was anything that approached a passion--nay, not a passion, an
emotion--in her nature, it was for the poor. She who was little moved
by any relationship, even the closest, almost loved the poor, and would
take trouble for them, petting them when they were sick, and pleased to
hear of all their affairs when they were well--conscience and
inclination supplementing each other in this point. But the poor, the
real “poor,” they who are so kind as to be destitute now and then, with
nothing to eat and all their clothes at the pawnbroker’s, and their
existence dependent upon the clergyman’s nod, or the visit of the
district lady--these were very different from the Chevaliers in their
Lodges. There even Lady Caroline drew the line. She did what was
suggested to her in a great many cases, but here she felt that she could
make a stand when necessity required. Not the people in the Lodges!
people who though they lived in small houses on small incomes considered
themselves to be ladies and gentlemen as good as the Royal Family
themselves. The very mildest, the very gentlest, must pause somewhere,
and this is where Lady Caroline made her stand. “My dear,” she said,
something like a flush coming to her sallow cheek, for Jeremie by this
time had brought the lamps and lighted the candles and made her visible;
“I have never visited the people in the Lodges. I have always made a
stand there. There was one of them appointed through my brother
Courtland, you know--your papa, my dear--but when Beatrice asked me to
notice them I was obliged to decline. I really could not do it. I hope I
never shrink from doing my duty to the poor; but these sort of
people--you must really excuse me, Rollo; I could not, I do not think I
could do it.”
Mr. Ridsdale had never seen anything so near excitement in his aunt’s
manner before. She spoke with little movements of her hands and of her
head, and a pink flush was on her usually colourless face. The sight of
this little flutter and commotion which he had caused amused the young
man. Jeremie was still moving noiselessly about, letting down a loop of
curtain, kindling a distant corner into visibility by lighting one of
the groups of candles upon the wall. The room was still very dim, just
made visible, not much more, and Jeremie’s noiseless presence did not
check the expression of Lady Caroline’s sentiments. She made her little
explanation with a fervour such as, we have said, her nephew had never
before seen in her. He was greatly astonished, but he was also, it must
be allowed, somewhat disposed to laugh.
“You must pardon me,” he said, “for suggesting anything you don’t like,
Aunt Caroline. But did not Augusta have Miss Despard here?”
“Oh, yes--with the rest of her people who sang. Augusta was always
having her singing people--who were not in our set at all.”
“I suppose that is all over now,” said Rollo in a tone of regret.
“Oh, not quite over. Mrs. Long brought some of them the other day. She
thought it would amuse me. But it never amused me much,” said Lady
Caroline. “Augusta was pleased, and that was all. I don’t want them,
Rollo; they disturb me. They require to have tea made for them, and
compliments. I am not so very fond of music, you are aware.”
“I know; not fond enough to give up anything for it; but confess it is
often a resource after dinner, when the people are dull?”
“The people are always just the same, Rollo. If they have a good dinner,
that is all I have to do with them. They ought to amuse themselves.”
“Yes, yes,” he resumed, laughing. “I know you are never dull, Aunt
Caroline. Your thoughts flow always in the same gentle current. You are
never excited, and you are never bored.”
A gentle smile came over Lady Caroline’s face; no one understood her so
well. She was astonished that so many people found fault with Rollo. He
was, she thought, her favourite nephew, if it was right to have a
favourite. “It is no credit to me,” she said. “I was always brought up
in that way. But girls do not have such a good training now.”
“No, indeed--the very reverse, I think--they are either in a whirl of
amusement or else they are bored. But, Aunt Caroline, people in general
are not like you. And for us who have not had the advantage of your
education, it is often very dull, especially after dinner. Now you are
going to have a gathering to-morrow. Don’t you think it would be a good
thing to have a little music in the evening, and ask Miss Despard to
come and sing? Have her to amuse the people, just as you might have
Punch and Judy, you know, or some of the sleight-of-hand men?”
“I should never think of having either the one or the other, Rollo.”
“But a great many people do. It was quite the right thing for a time.
Come, Aunt Caroline! My uncle is often bored to death with these duty
dinners. He will bless you if you have a little music afterwards and set
him free.”
“Do you really think so? I can’t understand why you should all talk of
being bored. I am never bored,” said Lady Caroline.
“That is your superiority,” said the courtier. “But we poor wretches
often are. And I really must hear this voice. You would not like to
stand in the way of my interests now when I seem really about to have a
chance?”
“It is a very curious thing to me,” said Lady Caroline, stimulated by so
much argument to deliver herself of an original remark, “that such a
clever young man as you are, Rollo, should require to connect yourself
with singers and theatres. Such a thing was never heard of in my time.”
“That is just it,” he said, putting on a mournful look. “If I had not
been a clever young man, things would have gone a great deal better with
me. There was nothing of that foolish description I am sure, Aunt
Caroline, in your time.”
“No,” she said; then added, almost peevishly, “I do not know how to
communicate with the girl, Rollo. She is so out of society.”
“But only on the other side of the way,” he said. “Come, write her a
note, and I will take it myself, if Jeremie or Joseph are too grand to
go.”
“Must I write her a note? I never in my life sent a note to the Lodges,”
said Lady Caroline, looking at her hands as if the performance would
soil them. Then she added, with a look of relief, “I very often see her
when I am out for my drive. You can tell the coachman to stop if he sees
her, and I will tell her to come--that will be much the better way.”
“But if she should be engaged?”
Lady Caroline gave him a very faint smile of amiable scorn and superior
knowledge. “You forget these people are not in society,” she said.
To make head against this sublime of contempt was more than Rollo could
do. Lady Caroline vanquished him as she had vanquished many people in
her day, by that invincible might of simple dulness against which
nothing can stand.
Mr. Rollo Ridsdale was one of the many very clever young men in society
who are always on the eve of every kind of fame and fortune, but never
manage to cross the border between hope and reality. He had been quite
sure of success in a great many different ways: at the university, where
he was certain of a first class, but only managed to “scrape through”
the ordeal of honours in the lowest room;--in diplomacy, where he was
expected to rise to the highest rank, but spoiled all his chances by a
whisper of a state secret, of no importance to anybody, when only an
unpaid attaché;--in the House of Commons, where he broke down in his
maiden speech, after costing what his family described as a “fortune” to
secure his election;--and finally, in commerce, where his honourable
name was just secured from the _éclat_ of a disgraceful bankruptcy by
the sacrifice of a second “fortune” on the part of the family. It is but
fair to add, however, that Rollo had nothing to do with the
disgracefulness of the commercial downfall in which he was all but
involved. And here he was at eight-and-twenty once more afloat, as the
fashionable jackal and assistant of an enterprising _impresario_,
indefatigable in his pursuit of the prima donna of the future, and
talking of nothing but operas. This was why he had made that moonlight
promenade under Lottie Despard’s windows on the evening of his cousin’s
wedding-day. He did not know her, but Lottie knew him as the populace
know all, even the most insignificant, members of the reigning family.
Lady Caroline’s nephew, Augusta’s cousin, was of much more importance
to the community than any of the community had been to him up to this
moment, though the thoughts which passed through Lottie’s mind, as, with
extreme surprise, she recognised him gazing up at her window, suggested
a very different hypothesis. What could Lottie imagine, as, with the
most bewildering astonishment, she identified Mr. Ridsdale, but that he
had seen her as she had seen him, and that it was admiration at least,
if not a more definite sentiment, which brought him to wander in front
of the window, as poor young Purcell did, whose delusion she regarded
without either surprise or compassion? Rollo Ridsdale was a very
different person; and Lottie had been too much bewildered by his
appearance to found any theory upon it, except the vaguest natural
thrill of flattered pleasure and wonder. Was it possible?--When a young
man comes and stares at a lady’s window, going and returning, waiting
apparently for a glimpse of her--what is anyone to suppose?--There is
but one natural and ordinary explanation of such an attitude and
proceeding. And if Lottie’s fancy jumped at this idea, how could she
help it? It gave her a little shock of pleasure and exhilaration in her
depressed state. Why should she have been exhilarated? It is difficult
to say. She did not know anything of Mr. Ridsdale--whether his
admiration was worth having or the reverse. But he was Lady Caroline’s
nephew, who had always been inaccessible to Lottie; he was Augusta’s
cousin, who had neglected her. And if it really could be possible that,
notwithstanding this, he had conceived a romantic passion for Lottie,
what could be more consolatory to the girl who had felt herself
humiliated by the indifference and contempt with which these ladies had
treated her? The idea brought the light back to her eyes, and her
natural gay courage revived again. She would make reprisals, she would
“be even with them,” and pay them back in their coin; and where is the
girl or boy to whom reprisals are not sweet?
This, however, is a digression from Lady Caroline, who went to her
tranquil couch that night with a heavier heart than she had known for
years. It was a revolution which had occurred in her life. During
Augusta’s reign she had been passively resistant always, protesting
under her breath against the invasion of the singing people of all kinds
into her sacred and exclusive world. She had supported it with heroic
calm, entrenching herself behind the ladies who were really in society,
and whom she could receive without derogation; but to Lottie and the
other people who were outside of her world she had never shown any
civility, as she was glad to think, on surveying the situation that
night. She had not brought it on herself. She had never shown them any
civility. A salutation with her eyelids, a cup of tea from her table,
the privilege of breathing the same air with her--this had been all she
had ever done for her daughter’s _protégées_, and hitherto nobody, she
was obliged to allow, had presumed upon it. But _that_ Miss Despard was
not like the timid and respectful singing ladies from the town. She was
a bold young woman, who thought herself as good as anyone, and looked as
if she ought to be talked to, and taken notice of, as much as anyone.
And it was not possible to get rid of her as the ladies in the town
could be got rid of. Lady Caroline could not go out of her own door,
could not go to Church, without meeting Miss Despard, and feeling what
she called within herself, “the broad stare” of that dangerous girl. And
now was it possible, was it conceivable, that she was herself to take
the initiative and re-invite Miss Despard? Not for years, if indeed ever
in her life, had Lady Caroline gone to bed with such a weight on her
mind. She sighed as she laid down on that bed of down--nay, not of down,
which is old-fashioned and not very wholesome either, now-a-days, people
say--but on her mattress of delicately arranged springs, which moved
with every movement. She sighed as she lay down upon it, and the springs
swayed under her; and she sighed again in the morning as she woke, and
all that had happened came back into her mind. Poor dear Rollo! She did
not like to cross him, or to go against him, since he had made so great
an object of it. Oh! that Augusta had but held her peace, and had not
inflamed his mind about this girl’s voice! After all, her voice was
nothing wonderful; it was just a soprano, as most girl’s voices were;
and that she, Lady Caroline, should be compelled to exert
herself--compelled to go against her principles, to come into personal
contact with a person of a different class! She who had always been
careful to keep herself aloof!--It was very hard upon Lady Caroline. She
sighed at breakfast so that the Dean took notice of it.
“Is there anything the matter?” he said. “Rollo, do you know what is the
matter? This is the third time I have heard your aunt sigh.”
“I am sure she does not look as if anything was the matter,” said Rollo,
with that filial flattery which women like, at Lady Caroline’s age.
She gave him a faint little smile, but shook her head and sighed again.
“Bless my soul!” said the Dean, “I must look in upon Enderby, and tell
him to come and see you.”
“Oh, there is nothing the matter with me,” Lady Caroline said; but she
had no objection to see Enderby, who was the doctor and always very
kind. It even pleased her to think of confiding her troubles to him, for
indeed she had the humbling consciousness upon her mind that she had
never been a very interesting patient. She had never had anything but
headaches and mere external ills to tell him about. She had never till
now been able to reveal to him even a headache which had been caused by
trouble of mind. Lady Caroline, though she was dull, had a faint wish
to be interesting as well as other people, and it would be a relief to
pour out this trouble to his sympathising ear.
The idea of meeting Lottie when she went out was a very happy one, Lady
Caroline thought. She could not but feel that necessity was producing
invention within her. Perhaps she might not meet Lottie, perhaps Lottie
might be frightened and would decline to come. She drove out that
afternoon with a little excitement, full of hope, if she felt also the
palpitation of a little fear. These emotions made quite a pleasant and
unusual stir in the dull fluid that filled her veins. She was half
disturbed and half pleased when she found that Rollo proposed going with
her, a very unusual compliment from a young man. He said it was because
he had hurt his foot and could not walk. “Dear me!” Lady Caroline said,
“I will send Jarvis to see if it is a sprain.” “Oh no, it is not a
sprain,” he said; “a little rest is all it requires.” “You will find
carriage exercise very nice,” Lady Caroline said; “a perfect rest--and
much more amusement than walking, which tires one out directly.” And
thus they set out perfectly pleased with each other. But the coachman
had got his instructions carefully from Rollo’s own lips, and there was
now no possibility of escape for the poor lady, over whom Rollo himself
had mounted guard. They had not gone above a few yards from the Deanery
door, when the carriage suddenly drew up with a jar, to the side of the
high terrace pavement which lay in front of the Lodges. Rollo, who was
on the alert, looked eagerly out, and saw a light erect figure, full of
energy and life, coming up, in the plainest of morning frocks, one of
those simple toilettes which fashion has lately approved. She looked
perfectly fresh, and like the summer morning, as she came along, with a
little basket in her hand; and suddenly it burst upon Rollo, as Lottie
raised her eyes with a glance of astonished interest in them, wondering
why it was that Lady Caroline’s carriage should stop there, that this
unknown girl was extremely handsome--a thing for which the young man had
not been prepared. “Is this Miss Despard? but she will be gone unless
you send to her. Shall I go and call her to you?” he said.
“Oh, she will come when she sees I want her,” said Lady Caroline. But
the only answer he made was to jump up and let himself out of the
carriage before Joseph could get off from the box. He went up to Lottie
with his hat in his hand, very much surprised in his turn by the vivid
blush which covered her cheeks at sight of him. He was flattered, and he
was surprised; was it a mere trick of unformed manners, the _gaucherie_
of a girl who had never been in society, and did not know how to behave
herself? or was it that she saw something unusually fascinating in
himself, Rollo? To see so handsome a girl blush at his approach was a
tribute to his attractions, which Rollo was not the man to be
indifferent to. He almost forgot the business side of the transaction,
and his hunt after a prima donna, in the pleasure of such an encounter.
Could she have seen him somewhere before and been “struck” with him?
Rollo wondered. It was an agreeable beginning. He went up to her with
his hat in his hand as if she had been a princess. “I beg your pardon,”
he said, “my aunt, Lady Caroline Huntington, has sent me to beg that you
would let her speak to you for a moment.” Lottie looked at him
bewildered, with eyes that could scarcely meet his. She could hardly
make out what he said, in the sudden confusion and excitement of meeting
thus, face to face, the man whom she had seen under her window. What was
it? Lady Caroline asking to speak with her, awaiting her, in her
carriage, in the sight of all St. Michael’s! Lottie stood still for a
moment, and gazed at this strange sight, unable to move or speak for
wonder. What could Lady Caroline have to say? She could not be going, on
the spot, out of that beautiful chariot with its prancing horses, to
plead her nephew’s suit with the girl who knew nothing of him except his
lover-like watch under her window. Lottie could not trust herself to
make him any reply--or rather she said idiotically, “Oh, thank you,” and
turned half reluctant, confused, and anxious, to obey the call. She went
to the carriage door, and stood without a word, with her eyes full of
wonder, to hear what the great lady had to say.
But it was not much at any time that Lady Caroline had to say. She
greeted Lottie with the little movement of her eyelids. “How do you do,
Miss Despard?” she said. “I wanted to ask if you would come to the
Deanery this evening for a little music?” There was no excitement in
that calmest of voices. Lottie felt so much ashamed of her wonderful
vague absurd anticipations, that she blushed more hotly than ever.
“At half-past nine,” said Lady Caroline.
“You have not presented me to Miss Despard, Aunt Caroline--so I have no
right to say anything; but if I had any right to speak, I should say I
hope--I hope--that Miss Despard is not engaged, and that she will come.”
How earnest his voice was! and what a strange beginning of acquaintance!
Lottie felt half disposed to laugh, and half to cry, and could not lift
her eyes in her confusion to this man who--was it possible?--was in love
with her, yet whom she did not know.
“Oh, I am not engaged--I--shall be very happy.” What else could she say?
She stood still, quite unaware what she was doing, and heard him thank
her with enthusiasm, while Lady Caroline sat quite passive. And then the
splendid vision rolled away, and Lottie stood alone wondering, like a
creature in a dream, on the margin of the way.
CHAPTER V.
AT THE DEANERY.
Lottie stood as if in a dream, hearing the ringing of the horses’ hoofs,
the roll of the carriage, and nothing more; all the sounds in the world
seemed to be summed up in these. She could scarcely tell what had
happened to her. A great honour had happened to her, such as might have
impressed the imagination of anyone in that little world of St.
Michael’s, but not so great a thing as she thought. Lady Caroline had
asked her to tea. It was something, it was much; it was what Lady
Caroline had never done to anyone in the Lodges before. Even Mrs.
Seymour, whose husband was really _one of the Seymours_, people said,
and whom Lady Courtland had begged Lady Caroline to be kind to, had not
been so honoured. But for all that, it was not what Lottie thought. She
stood there with her heart beating, feeling as if she had just fallen
from the clouds, in a maze of bewildered excitement, scarcely able to
realise what had befallen her--and yet that which had befallen her was
not what she thought. Most things that happen to us are infinitely
better in thought and in hope than they are in reality; but this was
doubly, trebly the case with poor Lottie, who found the cause of this
new happiness of hers in a delusion, a mistake, most innocently, most
unwittingly occasioned. It was not a thing that anybody had intended.
Rollo Ridsdale had meant no harm when he strolled along the Dean’s Walk
in the evening on two separate nights, looking up at Lottie’s window and
hoping to hear her sing in order that he might tell his partner of a new
voice to be had for the asking. And neither had Lottie meant any harm;
it was not vanity, it was the most natural conclusion from what she saw
with her own eyes. How could she doubt it? He must have seen her when
she was not aware of it, and fallen in love with her, as people say, at
first sight! a romantic compliment that always goes to a girl’s heart.
There was no other interpretation to be put upon the fact of his
lingering about looking up at her window. She had said to herself it was
nonsense; but how could it be nonsense? What other explanation could
anyone give of such a proceeding? And now he had managed to make Lady
Caroline, she who was the queen of the place and unapproachable, take
his cause in hand. For what other possible reason could Lady Caroline,
who never noticed anyone out of her own sphere, have paid this special
and public compliment to Lottie, and invited her to Paradise, as it
were--to tea--not afternoon tea, which means little, but _in the
evening_? But here Lottie’s fancies became so bewildering that she
could not follow herself in her thoughts; much less would it be possible
for us to follow her. For if Lady Caroline had thus interfered on her
nephew’s behalf, securing for him a personal introduction and an
opportunity of making her acquaintance, what could this mean but that
Lady Caroline was on his side and meant to help him and approved of his
sentiments? This thought was too wonderful to be entertained seriously;
it only glanced across the surface of Lottie’s mind, making her laugh
within herself with a bewildered sense that there was something absurd
in it. Lady Caroline stoop from her high estate to lift her, Lottie, to
a place upon that dazzling eminence! The girl felt as if she had been
spun round and round like a teetotum, though it was an undignified
comparison. She did not know where she might find herself when, dizzy
and tottering, she should come to herself. All this time Mrs.
O’Shaughnessy, at her window, where she always sat surveying everything
that went on, had been knocking an impatient summons with her knuckles
on the pane; and this it was at last which brought Lottie to herself.
She obeyed it with some reluctance, yet at the same time she was glad to
sit down somewhere till the giddiness should go off and the hurry of her
thoughts subside. Mrs. O’Shaughnessy met her with a countenance full of
interest and eagerness; a new incident was everything to her. She was as
eager as if it was of vital importance to know every word that Lady
Caroline said.
“Then what was she saying to ye, me dear?” cried the old lady, from whom
excitement almost took away the breath.
“She did not say anything,” said Lottie, relieving her feelings by a
little laugh. “She never does say anything; she asked me to tea.”
“And you call that nothing, ye thankless creature! It’s spoilt ye are,
Lottie, me darling, and I always said that was what would come of it.
She asked you to tea? sure it’ll be afternoon tea for one of the
practisings, like it was in Miss Augusta’s day?”
“No! I am to go in after dinner. It is not the first time, Mrs.
O’Shaughnessy; Augusta has often asked me. What else did I get my white
frock for?--for there are no parties here to go to. She used to say:
‘Come in, and bring your music.’ It is not me they want, it is my
voice,” said Lottie assuming a superiority of wisdom which she did not
possess.
“All in good time, me dear,” said Mrs. O’Shaughnessy. “And did my Lady
Caroline bid you to bring your music, too? The daughter is one thing,
and the mother is clean another. I hope you’ve got your frock in order
me darlin’; clean and nice and like a lady? You should send it to Mrs.
Jones to iron it out; she’s the plague of my life, but she’s a beautiful
clear starcher--that I will say for her; and if you want a ribbon or
so, me jewel, or anything I have that ye may take a fancy to--there’s my
brooch with O’Shaughnessy’s miniature, sure ne’er a one of them would
find out who it was. You might say it was your grandpapa, me honey, in
his red coat, with his medals; and fine he’d look on your white
frock----”
“Thank you!” said Lottie in alarm; “but I never wear anything, you know,
except poor mamma’s little pearl locket.”
“Sure I know,” said the old woman, with a laugh; “a body can’t wear what
they haven’t got! But you needn’t turn up your little nose at my big
brooch, for when it was made it was the height of the fashion, and now
everything that’s old is the height of the fashion. And so me Lady
Caroline, that’s too grand to say ‘Good morning to ye, ma’am,’ or ‘Good
evening to ye,’ after ye’ve been her neighbour for a dozen years, stops
her grand carriage to bid this bit of a girl to tea, and Miss Lottie
takes it as cool as snowballs, if ye please. Well, well, honey! I don’t
envy ye, not I; but you’re born to luck as sure as the rest of us are
born to trouble, and that all the Abbey can see.”
“I born to luck! I don’t think there is much sign of it,” said Lottie,
though with a tumultuous leap of the heart which contradicted the words.
“And what is there, I should like to know, that all the Abbey can see?”
“If you think I’m going to tell you the nonsense that is flying about,
and put fancies in your little head!” said the old Irishwoman, “go your
ways, and see that your frock’s in order; and I’ll run in and see you
dressed, me pet, and I’ll bring the brooch and the box with me best
ribbons; may be at the last you’ll change your mind.”
Lottie went home with her head in the clouds; was she indeed “born to
luck”? Was she going to be transplanted at once without the tedious
probation which even in poetry, even in story-books, the good heroine
has generally to go through, into that heaven of wealth and rank and
luxurious surroundings which she felt to be her proper sphere? It was
not that Lottie cared for luxury in its vulgarer forms; she liked what
was beautiful and stately--the large noble rooms, the dignified aspect
which life bore when unconnected with those small schemes and
strugglings in which her existence was spent; but above all she liked,
it must be allowed, to be uppermost, to feel herself on the highest
round of the ladder--and hated and resisted with all her soul the idea
of being inferior to anybody. This was the thing above all others which
Lottie could not bear. She had been brought up with the idea that she
belonged by right of nature to the upper classes, a caste entirely
removed by immutable decree of Providence from shop-keepers and persons
engaged in trade, and to whom it was comparatively immaterial whether
they were poor or rich, nothing being able to alter the birthright
which united them with all that was high and separated them from all
that was low. But this right had not been acknowledged at St. Michael’s.
She and her family had been mixed up in the crowd along with the
O’Shaughnessys, and other unexalted people; and nobody, not even the
O’Shaughnessys, had been impressed by the long descent of the Despard
family and its unblemished gentility. Something else then evidently was
requisite to raise her to her proper place, to the sphere to which she
belonged. Lottie would not have minded poverty, or difficulty, or hard
work, had she been secure of her “position”; but that was just the thing
of which in present circumstances she was least secure. It was for this
reason that Lady Caroline’s notice was sweet to her--for this that she
had been so deeply disappointed when no sign of amity was accorded to
her on the wedding-day. And this was why her heart leapt with such
bewildering hope and excitement at the new event in her career. She did
not know Mr. Ridsdale; perhaps his admiration or even his love were
little worth having; and nothing but what are called interested motives
could have possibly moved Lottie to the thrill of pleasure with which
she contemplated his supposed attachment. A girl whose head is turned by
the mere idea of a lover who can elevate her above her neighbours,
without any possibility of love on her part to excuse the bedazzlement,
is not a very fine or noble image; yet Lottie’s head was turned, not
vulgarly, not meanly, but with an intoxication that was full of poetry
and all that is most ethereal in romance. A tender, exquisite gratitude
to the man who thus seemed to have chosen her, without any virtue of
hers, filled her heart; and to the great lady who, though so lofty, and
usually cold as marble to the claims of those beneath her, could thus
forget her pride for Lottie. This feeling of gratitude softened all the
other emotions in her mind. She was ready to be wooed, but then the very
manner of the first step in this process, the lingering outside her
window, which was a sign of the tenderest, most delicate, and
reverential love-making (but she did not think it so in the case of poor
young Purcell), showed what a respectful, ethereal, poetical wooing it
would be. Thus Lottie’s whole being was full of the most tremulous,
delicious happiness, all made up of hope and anticipation, and grateful
admiration of the fine generous sentiments of her supposed lover, even
while it was founded, as you may say, on self-interest and ambition, and
sentiments which were not generous at all.
And with what a flutter at her heart she put out her white muslin frock,
which (not having any confidence in Mrs. Jones) she ironed herself most
carefully and skilfully, with such interest in keeping it fresh as no
Mrs. Jones in the world could have. For girls who have no ornaments to
speak of, how kind summer is providing roses, which are always the most
suitable of decorations! One knot of them in her hair and one at her
breast--what could Lottie want more? Certainly not the big brooch with
Major O’Shaughnessy in his red coat, which her old friend was so anxious
to pin the roses with. Mrs. O’Shaughnessy thought it would be “such a
finish,” and prove satisfactorily that it was not poverty but fancy that
made Lottie decorate herself with fresh flowers instead of the fine
artificial wreath with a nice long trail down the back, which was what
the old lady herself would have preferred. Mrs. O’Shaughnessy, however,
was mollified by the girl’s acceptance of the Indian shawl which she
brought to wrap her in. “And you might just carry it into the room with
you, me dear, as if ye thought ye might feel chilly,” said the old lady,
“for it’s a beauty, and I should like me Lady Caroline to see it. I
doubt if she’s got one like it. Good-night and a pleasant evening to ye,
me honey,” she cried, as, under charge of Law, and with her dress
carefully folded up, Lottie with her beating heart went across the broad
gravel of the Dean’s Walk to the Deanery door. It was a lovely summer
night, not dark at all, and the Signor was practising in the Abbey, and
the music rolling forth in harmonious thunders rose, now more, now less
distinct, as the strain grew softer or louder. A great many people were
strolling about, loitering, when Lottie came out, skimming over the road
in her little white shoes, with the roses in her hair. All the rest of
her modest splendours were hidden by the shawl, but these could not be
hidden. The people about all turned their heads to look at her. She was
going to the Deanery. It was the same in St. Michael’s as visiting the
Queen.
The Dean’s dinner party had been of a slightly heavy description. There
were several of the great people from the neighbourhood, county people
whom it was necessary to ask periodically. It was so distinctly made a
condition, at the beginning of this story, that we were not to be
expected to describe the doings on Olympus, nor give the reader an
insight into the behaviour of the gods and goddesses, that we feel
ourselves happily free from any necessity of entering into the solemn
grandeur of the dinner. It was like other dinners in that region above
all the clouds. The ladies were fair and the gentlemen wise, and they
talked about other ladies and gentlemen not always perhaps equally wise
or fair. Mr. Rollo Ridsdale was the greatest addition to the party. He
knew all the very last gossip of the clubs. He knew what Lord Sarum said
to Knowsley, upbraiding him for the indiscretion of his last Guildhall
speech. “But everybody knows that Knowsley is nothing if not
indiscreet,” Rollo said; and he knew that, after all, whatever anyone
might say to the contrary, Lady Martingale _had_ gone off with Charley
Crowther, acknowledging that nothing in the world was of any
consequence to her in comparison. “Such an infatuation!” for, as
everybody knew, Charley was no Adonis. Lady Caroline shook her head over
this, as she ate her chicken (or probably it was something much nicer
than chicken that Lady Caroline ate). And thus the _menu_ was worked
through. There was but one young lady in the party, and even she was
married. In Augusta’s time the young people were always represented, but
it did not matter so much now. When all these ladies rose at last in
their heavy dresses that swept the carpet, and in their diamonds which
made a flicker and gleam of light about their heads and throats, and
swept out to the drawing-room: all, with that one exception, over middle
age, all well acquainted with each other, knowing the pedigrees and the
possessions each of each, and with society in general for their common
ground, the reader will tremble to think of such a poor little thing as
Lottie, in her white muslin, with the roses in her hair, standing
trembling in a corner of the big drawing-room, and waiting for the
solemn stream of silk and satin, and society, in which she would have
been engulfed at once, swallowed up and seen no more. And what would
have happened to Lottie, had she been alone, without anyone to stand by
her in the midst of this overflowing, we shrink from contemplating; but
happily she had already found a companion to hold head with her against
the stream.
For when Lottie came in, she found some one before her in the
drawing-room, a tall, very thin man, with stooping shoulders, who stood
by the corner of the mantelpiece, on which there were candles, holding a
book very close to his eyes. When Lottie went in, with her heart in her
mouth, he turned round, thinking that the opening of the door meant the
coming of the ladies. The entrance, instead, of the one young figure,
white and slender, and of Lottie’s eyes encountering him, full of fright
and anxiety, yet with courage in them--the look that was intended for
Lady Caroline, and which was half a prayer, “Be kind to me!” as well as
perhaps the tenth part of a defiance--made a great impression upon the
solitary inmate of the room. He was as much afraid of what he thought a
beautiful young lady, as Lottie was of the mistress of the house.
After this first moment, however, when she perceived that there was
nobody alarming, only a gentleman (an _old_ gentleman, Lottie
contemptuously, or rather carelessly concluded, though he was not more
in reality than about five-and-thirty), she regained her composure, and
her heart went back to its natural place. Lottie knew very well who the
gentleman was, though he did not know her. It was Mr. Ashford, one of
the minor canons, a very shy and scholarly person, rather out of his
element in a community which did not pretend to much scholarship or any
special devotion to books. Perhaps he was the only man in St. Michael’s
whom Lottie had ever really desired to make acquaintance with on his own
account; but indeed it was scarcely on his own account, but on account
of Law, about whom she was always so anxious. Mr. Ashford took pupils,
with whom he was said to be very successful. He lived for his pupils,
people said, and thought of nothing else but of how to get them into
shape and push them on. It had been Lottie’s dream ever since she came
to St. Michael’s to get Law under Mr. Ashford’s care; and after she had
recovered the shock of getting into the room, and the mingled thrill of
relief and impatience at finding that there was nobody there as yet to
be afraid of, Lottie, whose heart always rose to any emergency, began to
speculate how she could make friends with Mr. Ashford. She was not
afraid of him: he was short-sighted, and he was awkward and shy, and a
great deal more embarrassed by her look than she was by his. And he was
being badly used--so she thought. Why was not he asked to dinner like
the others? Mr. Ashford did not himself feel the grievance, but Lottie
felt it for him. She ranged herself instantly, instinctively, by his
side. They were the two who were being condescended to, being taken
notice of--they were the natural opponents consequently of the fine
people, the people who condescended and patronised. Mr. Ashford, on his
side, stood and looked at her, and did not know what to do. He did not
know who she was. She was a beautiful young lady, and he knew he had
seen her in the Abbey; but further than this Mr. Ashford knew nothing of
Lottie. The signs which would have betrayed her lowly condition to an
experienced eye said nothing to him. Her white muslin might have been
satin for anything he could tell, her little pearl locket a priceless
ornament. He did not know how to address such a dazzling creature;
though to any ordinary person in society Lottie’s attire would have
suggested bread-and-butter, and nothing dazzling at all.
“It is a beautiful evening,” said Lottie, a little breathless. “It is
scarcely dark yet, though it is half-past nine o’clock.”
To both these unquestionable statements Mr. Ashford said “Yes,” and then
he felt himself called upon to make a contribution in return. “I have
just found a book which somebody must have been reading,” he said,
growing red with the effort.
“Oh, yes! is it a very interesting book? What is it about?” said Lottie,
but this was something for which Mr. Ashford was not prepared. He got
redder than ever and cleared his throat.
“It does not seem about anything in particular. I have not really had
time to read it;” then he made a hasty dash at an abstract subject, and
said, with a falter in his voice, “Are--are you fond of reading?” This
question at once lit up Lottie’s face.
“Oh, _very_, very fond! But I have not many books nor much time. I
always envy people who can read everything they please. Mr. Ashford, I
wonder if I might speak to you about something--before they come in,”
said Lottie, coming a step nearer, and looking eagerly at him with her
dangerous blue eyes.
Mr. Ashford got the better of his shyness in a moment. It did not
embarrass him when there was anything to be done. He smiled upon her
with a most beautiful beaming smile which altogether changed the
character of his face, and put a chair for her, which Lottie, however,
did not take. “Surely,” he said, in his melodious voice, suddenly thawed
out of the dryness which always got into his throat when he spoke first
to a stranger. It has not yet been said that Mr. Ashford’s chief quality
as respected the community at St. Michael’s was an unusually beautiful
mellow voice. “If there is any way in which I can be of use to you?” he
said.
“Oh, yes; so much use! They say you think a great deal about your
pupils, Mr. Ashford,” said Lottie, “and I have a brother whom nobody
thinks much about----”
That was the moment Lady Caroline chose to return to the drawing-room.
The door opened, the ladies swept in one by one, the first looking
suspiciously at both Mr. Ashford and Lottie, the second, who knew Mr.
Ashford, giving him a smile of recognition, and looking suspiciously
only at Lottie, the rest following some one example, some the other.
Lottie knew not one of them. She looked trembling for Lady Caroline, and
hoped she would be kind, and save her from the utter desolation of
standing alone in this smiling and magnificent company. But Lady
Caroline coming in last of all, only made her usual salutation to the
stranger. She said, “Good evening, Miss Despard,” as she swept her long
train of rustling silk over the carpet close to Lottie’s trembling feet,
but she put out her hand to Mr. Ashford. “It was so good of you to
come,” she said. Alas! Lottie was not even to have the comfort of
feeling on the same footing with the minor canon. He was carried off
from her just as he had begun to look on her with friendly eyes. The
stream flowed towards the other side of the room, where Lady Caroline
seated herself on her favourite square sofa. Lottie was left standing
all alone against the soft grey of the wall, lighted up by the candles
on the mantelpiece. When a person belonging to one class of society
ventures to put a rash foot on the sacred confines of another, what has
she to expect? It is an old story, and Lottie had gone through it
before, and ought to have had more sense, you will say, than to
encounter it again. But the silly girl felt it as much as if she had not
quite known what would happen to her. She stood still, feeling unable
to move, one wave of mortification and indignation going over her after
another. How could they be so cruel? What did they ask her for, if they
meant to leave her to stand there by herself? And Mr. Ashford, too, was
cruel. She had made up her mind to stand by him; but he had been carried
away by the first touch; he had not stood by her. Lottie could have torn
off the roses with which she had decked herself so hopefully, and
stamped her foot upon them. She almost wished she had the courage to do
it, to cry out to those careless people and let them see what unkindness
they were doing. Meantime she made a very pretty picture without knowing
it. “Look at that pretty, sulky girl against the wall,” said the young
married lady to her mother. “Lady Caroline must have set her there on
purpose to look handsome and ill-tempered. How handsome she is! I never
saw such eyelashes in my life; but as sulky as a thundercloud.”
“Go and talk to her and then she will not be sulky,” said the mother,
who, though by instinct she had looked suspiciously at Lottie, was not
unkind; nay, was a kind woman when she saw any need for it. Neither were
the others unkind--but they did not see any need for it. It was Lady
Caroline’s business, they thought, to entertain her own guests.
Lottie, however, had her triumph later when she sang, all the whispered
conversation in the room stopping out of sheer astonishment. Her voice
had developed even within the last month or two, during which there had
been no singing in the Deanery, and as the Signor, who had come in after
his practising, played her accompaniments for her, and did his very best
to aid and heighten the effect of her songs, her success was complete.
He had never accompanied her before, which was a fact Lottie did not
remember. And she did not notice either in her preoccupation, thinking
nothing of this but much of less important matters--that he knew
everything she could sing best, and humoured, and flattered, and coaxed
her voice to display itself to the very fullest advantage, as only a
skilful accompanyist can. No doubt he had his motive. As for Rollo
Ridsdale, he stood on the other side of the piano looking at Lottie with
a gaze which seemed to go through and through her. It meant, in fact, at
once the real enthusiasm of a man who knew exactly what such talent was
worth, and the less practical but still genuine enthusiasm of the
amateur who knew what the music was worth as well as the voice. In the
one point of view he saw Lottie’s defects, in the other he saw all that
could be made of her. An English prima donna! a real native talent as
good as anything that ever came out of Italy, and capable of producing
any amount of national enthusiasm! Rollo’s eyes shone, his face lighted
up, he did not know how to express his delight. He said to himself that
she would make “all our fortunes,” with an exaggeration common to his
kind. “I knew I was to be charmed, Miss Despard, but I did not know what
delight was in store for me,” he said, with eyes that said still more
than his words. Lottie’s eyes with their wonderful lashes sank before
his. He thought it was perhaps a pretty trick to show that remarkable
feature, and since he was sensible at all points to the beautiful, he
did full justice to them. By Jove! how well she would look on the stage.
Those eyelashes themselves! that pose! What a pensive Marguerite, what a
Lucia she would make! He longed to rush up to town by the late train and
rush upon his astonished partner, shouting, “I have found her!” “You
will not deny me one more?” he said, turning to her with glowing eyes.
Poor silly Lottie! She grew crimson with pleasure and excitement, pale
with excitement and feeling. What did she know about the young fellow’s
motives? She knew only that he had kept watch at her window, lounging
about for a glimpse of her, a thing which to be sure explains itself;
and that every note she sang seemed to make him happier and happier, and
more and more adoring. The incense was delicious to her. She had never
had it before (except perhaps from poor young Purcell--a nobody! what
did he matter?), and the happiness of flattered vanity and soothed pride
raised her to a pinnacle and climax of soft delight, such as she had
never thought possible. It seemed almost more than Lottie could bear.
Even Lady Caroline was so flattered by the plaudits addressed to her on
the entertainment she had provided for her guests, that a sense of
superior discrimination came over her placid mind, pleasantly exciting
its tranquillity. “Yes, I knew that she was going to have a beautiful
voice,” she said. And she smiled, and accepted the thanks with an
agreeable sense that she had deserved them. As for Rollo Ridsdale, it
was he who got Miss Despard’s shawl and wrapped her in it when the
dreadful moment came, as he said, for her departure. “You have no
carriage; you live on the other side of the way; then you must permit me
to see you to your door,” he said, “and to thank you once more for all
the pleasure you have given me. This will be a white day in my
recollection; I shall begin the dates in my history from the time when I
first heard----”
“Mr. Ashford is going Miss Despard’s way. And, Rollo, your aunt wants
you, I think. We have all been so much delighted that we have forgotten
the progress of time, and Lady Caroline is not very strong. Mr.
Ashford,” said the Dean, “I am sure we may leave to you the privilege of
seeing Miss Despard to her own door.”
“And I am here,” said the Signor. Nevertheless, poor Lottie felt as if
she had stepped suddenly out of heaven to earth again when she found
herself between the musician and the minor canon outside the Deanery
door.
CHAPTER VI.
LAW.
Law went with his sister dutifully to the door in the great cloister. He
did not care much for the honour and glory of going to the Deanery, but
he was pleased to walk with Lottie in her pretty evening dress, with the
roses in her hair. This gave him a certain gratification and sense of
family pride, though he scoffed at that sentiment in general. Law did
not feel that on the whole he had much to be proud of. Still, he was
proud of Lottie, who was a creature quite out of the common, and like
nobody else he had ever seen. He waited till the Deanery door was opened
to her. That was a world of which Law knew nothing, and did not want to
know anything. How Lottie had managed to get among these fine people,
and why she liked to get among them, were equally strange to him. He
admired her for the first, and wondered at her for the last. She was, at
the present moment, the only lady belonging to the Chevaliers who had
got footing in the Deanery; and this was just like Lottie, just what he
would have expected from her, he said to himself; but how she could
stand those old fogies, with their pride and their finery, that was
what he could not tell. All the same, it gave him a certain
gratification to leave her there in her element among the great people.
And when the door closed upon him Law went off about his own business.
He went through the cloister, and a curious little back cloister
beyond--for there were many intricacies about the Abbey, the different
degrees of the hierarchy being very distinct, one cloister for the
Chapter, another for the Minor people, and a third for the lay clerks.
He went through the little square of the minor cloister, and came out
upon a stone staircase which abridged the slopes of St. Michael’s Hill,
and led straight down into the town. The lights had begun to be lighted
in the picturesque street which wound round the foot of the hill; they
twinkled here and there in the shops opposite, and appeared in glimmers
in the villages across the river. The dim misty plain lying doubly broad
in the twilight, stretching out vaguely to the sky, was here and there
defined by one of those twinkles which showed where a group of houses
stood together. The town was all out in the streets, and on the river
this lovely evening: boats floating dimly about the stream, people
walking vaguely up and down the hill. And the air was filled with
pleasant soft, uncertain sounds of talking, of footsteps, now and then
the clocks chiming or striking, and a bugle sounding faint and far from
where the soldiers were quartered, for there was a military depôt not
far off. Law stopped at the head of the Steps, as they were called, and
looked down over all this scene. The mere notion of being out in the
_grand air_, as the French call it, with somehow a fuller sense of space
and width than we can find a word for, was pleasant to Law; but if he
paused, it was neither to enjoy the picture before him, nor was it
because he had no definite place to go to. He knew very well where he
was going. No vagueness on that point was in his mind; and he did not
care a brass farthing for the landscape; but he paused at the head of
the Steps and looked about, just as a child will pause before eating his
cake, a pause of anticipation and spiritual enjoyment of the dainty
before it goes to his lips. Then he ran down the Steps three at a time,
skimming down the long flights, turning the corners like a bird. To take
care of his sister had been duty, but Law was about his own business
now.
What was Law’s business? In all St. Michael’s there was not a more idle
boy. He was over eighteen, and he did nothing. Vague hopes that he would
get some appointment--that something would turn up for him--that he
would suddenly awake and find himself in an office somehow, doing
something and making money--had been in his own mind and that of his
family all his life. Law had no objection. Had some one taken him and
set him down at once in any office, it was quite possible that he might
have done the best he could in his place, and succeeded as well as most
men; but in the meantime there were a great many preliminaries to go
through, for which Law had never been required or encouraged to fit
himself. In these days of examination, when the pitifullest little bit
of an office builds up those prickly thorns, those red-hot ploughshares
before its door, how was he to get into any office without education? He
had spent all his earlier years, as has been seen, in eluding school as
cleverly as possible, and doing as little as he could of his lessons;
and now here he was on the verge of manhood, with nothing to do and no
great wish to do anything;--a great, straight, powerful young fellow,
without any absolute aim or tendency to evil, but good for nothing, not
capable of anything, with neither purpose nor object in his life. He
could row very well when anyone would give him an oar. He was not amiss
at cricket when anyone asked him to play. He could walk with any man,
and had won a race or two, and was quite capable of competing for a high
jump, or for throwing a cricket-ball, or any of those useful
accomplishments; but as for anything else he was not capable. He hated
books with that sincere and earnest hatred which seems possible only to
those who know books to be the preliminary of everything--a peculiarity
of this examining age. Never before surely was such a candid and
thorough detestation of the tools of knowledge possible. Law knew that
no door could possibly open to him without them, and therefore he hated
and despised them, illogically no doubt, but very cordially all the
same; and so went drifting along upon the stream, not asking what was to
become of him, never thinking much of the subject, though he suffered
greatly from want of pocket-money, and would gladly have made some
exertion from time to time to obtain that, had he known what to do.
This want of pocket-money is the grand drawback to the education or no
education of the youths of the nineteenth century. So long as they can
have enough of that, what a pleasant life is theirs! For it does you no
particular harm to be supposed to be “working for an examination” so
long as you don’t work much for that, and are exempted, for the sake of
it, from all other kinds of work. Boating and cricketing and running
races, and every kind of exercise, are known now-a-days to be compatible
with the hardest mental labour, and he is a stern parent indeed who
interferes with his son’s training in such essential points. But all
these delights are more or less dependent upon pocket-money. Law, whose
bread and cheese had never yet failed, and whose conscience was not
active, would have found his life quite pleasant but for that; but it
was hard upon him not to be able to pay his subscription to a cricket
club, nor the hire of a boat, nor even the entry money for a race,
though that was sure to repay itself abundantly if he won it. This was
very hard upon him, and often stimulated him to the length of a
resolution that he would work to-morrow and conquer all his subjects,
and “scrape through” by sheer force of will, so as to have an income of
his own. But the habit of idleness unfortunately overcame the resolution
next morning, which was a pity, and Law “loafed,” as he himself said,
not being able to afford to “do anything.” It is needless to inform the
instructed who have to do with youths working for examinations, that it
is cricket and boating and athletics these heroes mean when they talk of
“having something to do.”
Law, however, had a pleasure before him which had no connection with
pocket-money. He went straight down with the directness of habit, till
he came to a lane very tortuous and narrow, crowded with builders’-yards
and coal-merchants, and affording glimpses of the little wharves where a
little traffic was carried on, edging the river. Threading his way
through them, he came to a red brick house, the front of which overhung
the stream with its projecting gable. Law went in through a door which
stood open always, and showed signs of much and constant use. There were
lodgings upstairs, which were very pleasant in summer, and which were
always let, and made a very comfortable item in the earnings of the
family; but it was not upstairs that Law went, though that would have
done him good. On the first floor, in the room with the square window,
which overlooked and indeed overhung the river, the excellent curate was
living with whom Law occasionally “read,” and to whom no doubt he would
have said he was going had Lottie seen him at this door. But Law had no
intention of disturbing the curate, who for his part did not want his
pupil. He passed the staircase altogether, and pushed open a green baize
door, beyond which was a short passage leading into a room, all ablaze
with gas. The door of the room was wide open, and so were the windows,
to admit all the air that was possible, and round the large table
between sat three or four young women working and talking. They were
very busy; the great table was covered with silk and muslin, and all
kinds of flimsy trimming, and though they chatted they were working as
for bare life. As Law sauntered in they all looked up for a moment, and
threw a smile or a nod or half-a-dozen words at him, but scarcely
intermitted a stitch. “We’re awful busy; we can’t so much as look at
you; we’ve got some wedding things to finish for to-morrow,” said one
fair-haired girl who seemed specially to appropriate his visit. She
pushed her chair a little aside without pausing in her work, as if
accustomed to make room for him; and Law took a chair and placed it
sideways, so that he could lean his idle elbow on the table between this
busy needlewoman and the rest. Perhaps as a stormy sea gives zest to the
enjoyment of tranquillity on shore, so the extreme occupation of this
workroom made him feel his own absolute leisure more delightful.
“Who is going to be married?” he said.
“Oh, you know just as well as I do. I am sure you have heard us talking
of it for the last week. Polly, didn’t you tell Mr. Despard all about
it? It’s a lady you know. It’s Miss Hare at the Golden Eagle, who is one
of your papa’s great friends. I don’t know what the Captain will do when
she’s gone. Polly, do you?”
“I don’t know what the Captain has to do with her, nor me neither,” said
the young lady at the head of the table. The rest of the girls were
sisters, with fair frizzy locks a little out of order after the long
day’s work, what with the warmth of the room, and the fluttering of the
faint breeze from the river that ruffled the well-crimped tresses. But
Polly was of a different stamp. She had a mountain of dark brown hair
upon her head in plaits and curls and puffs innumerable, and though she
was sallow in complexion, had commanding features, a grand aquiline
nose, and brilliant eyes. “The Captain nor me, we hav’nt much to say to
that sort,” said Polly. “I don’t go with them that has a word and a
laugh for everybody. What I like is a young lady that respects herself.
If you work for your living, that’s not to say that you ain’t as good as
the best of them. Stick up for yourself, and other folks will think of
you according, that’s what I say.”
“I am sure Miss Hare always sticks up for herself,” said the girl by
Law’s side. “Going to be married in a veil, like one of the quality!”
“And so would I, if it was me,” cried Polly. “The quality! What are they
better than us, only they’ve got a pocketful of money. If I was the
Queen, I’d do away with them all. I’d be the Queen, and all the rest
should be the people. There shouldn’t be one more than another, or one
greater than another, only me. And then shouldn’t I do whatever I
pleased, and cut off their heads if they said a word!”
This instinctive perception of the secret of despotism made Law laugh,
who thought he knew a great deal better. “It would be a funny world with
Queen Polly over it,” he said. “I hope you’d take me for your prime
minister.”
Polly gave him a look of saucy malice. “I’d take the Captain,” she said.
“Has he been here to-night, Emma? I think he’s always coming here,” said
Law, under his breath. It was a kind of growl which the young fellow
gave out when he spoke low, in the voice which not very long ago had
been treble, a soprano, as clear and pure as Lottie’s--but it was
extremely bass now.
“He wants to know,” said Emma, with a glance at the others as she pinned
her work straight, “if the Captain has been here;” upon which there was
a chorus of laughter, making Law red and angry. He turned upon them
with a furious look.
“I should like to know how you would all like it,” said the boy, “if
your governor were to come poking in the very same place where----”
“Oh, you may make yourself quite easy, Mr. Lawrence,” said Polly, with a
toss of her elaborately dressed head. “He don’t meddle with you. The
Captain is a man of taste, he ain’t a boy, like some folks. He knows
what’s what, the Captain does. Other girls may have their fancies; I
don’t say anything against that, but give me a man as knows the world,
and knows what he wants. That’s the sort for me.”
“She gets more insufferable than ever. I wonder how you can put up with
her,” said Law under his breath.
“Doesn’t she,” said Emma in a whisper. “I wish she had never come into
our workroom; but she has taste, mother says, and we have to put up with
it. Everything has to give way to the work,” the girl added, threading
her needle; and as she made a knot upon the end of the new thread, she
shook her head with a sigh.
Everything has to give way to the work! Law could not but smile, feeling
the superiority of his gentlemanhood. With him it was the work that gave
way to everything. “Poor little Em!” he said, with a little laugh. She
was only seventeen, a year younger than he was; her forefinger was
seamed into furrows with her needle, and sometimes bled, which called
forth no sympathy, but only scoldings, from the forewoman or her mother,
when an unlucky red mark appeared on a hem. Emma did not very much mind
the scoldings, which came natural to her, and she never made any
comparison of herself with Law. He was a _gentleman_, that made all the
difference. And it was a great deal nicer, and much more important, to
have such a fine fellow to keep company with, than a young painter or
carpenter, or even a tailor, which was what ’Liza had to be content
with. Mr. Despard was a very different sort of person. As Law whispered
to her, Emma felt her heart swell with pride. She went on with her work
all the same, sometimes threatening to prick him with the needle which
was at the end of that long thread. Emma was only “running a skirt,” not
trusted as yet with the more difficult parts of the work, and she
pointed her needle at Law’s nose when he came too close. But it was very
sweet to her to have him there. Polly might brag as she pleased of the
Captain--the Captain was old, and what was the good of him? He did
nothing but puff Polly up with pride, the younger girls thought, and
nothing would ever come of it. But Law was young, and there was no
telling what might come of that. Emma threatened him with her needle,
but in her heart was very proud of him. And there he sat and talked to
her, while Lottie was having her little triumph among all the fine
people at the Rectory. The Welting girls were all pleased to have Law
there. They liked to talk of Mr. Despard, “from the Abbey,” and how they
“could not keep him out of their workroom.” By and by they began to joke
about his idleness, the only idle one among so busy a company. “Can’t
you give him something simple to do--a skirt to run up or a long hem?”
“Oh, yes,” said Emma. “Do, Polly, he bothers me so I can’t get my skirt
done.” Polly opened her drawer, and drew out from it the current number
of a distinguished periodical, which all these young women admired.
“I’ll tell you what he can do,” she said, “and make himself useful--for
we’ve got to sit up all night a’most, and there’s nothing makes work go
like reading out loud. Mr. Lawrence, if you want to be as good as your
professions, and help us young ladies on, as are far harder worked than
the like of you knows of even, there’s the last number of the _Family
Herald_, and we’re all that anxious, we don’t know how to bear it, to
hear how Lady Araminta got on----”
“Oh, give it me,” said Emma, with her eyes sparkling. “Oh, give it me!
Oh, you nasty cruel creature, to have it in your drawer all the time,
and never to tell!”
“I’ll give it to Mr. Despard,” said Polly, “and we’ll all be done half
as soon again if he’ll read it out loud.”
“Give it here,” said Law with lordly good-nature, and he began at once
upon his task. How the needles flew as he read! Lady Araminta was a
wonderful heroine. She wore nothing less than velvet and satin, and
carried her diamonds about with her wherever she went, and the title
deeds of her estate in the bosom of her dress. Law leaned his long arm
on the table, sometimes pausing to take breath and playing with Emma’s
pins and cotton. He would thus tantalise them now and then when the
story grew most exciting and his auditors most breathless. He was _bon
prince_ among them all, very good-natured and willing to please them,
though Emma had his special vows. His head was not so much turned as was
the head of virtuous Lottie, listening to the applause of Mr. Rollo
Ridsdale, but he was very happy with this little court about him all the
same.
CHAPTER VII.
A NEW LIGHT.
It was late before Law got home. In the first place he read the _Family
Herald_ through to his interested and busy auditors. Their needles flew
like lightning along the lengthy seams; trimmings were as nothing to
them, and even a hem became interesting as he read. When he had pursued
Lady Araminta to the end of this little portion of her history, showing
how she refused that wicked Duke who was at the bottom of all her
troubles, and whose expedients to get her into his power were so
manifold, he began the next story--and so on till all was finished. It
took some time to get through the delightful pennyworth. What good it
did to the poor girls at their work! They were not patient, superior,
noble-minded needlewomen, pensively bearing up against the privations of
their lot, but very commonplace girls, grumbling at their privations
frankly, yet sitting up half the night over wedding finery or funeral
robes, without any very clear idea that it was a hardship, or indeed
more than an inevitable feature of “the dressmaking.” It was under this
simple matter-of-fact aspect that their vigil appeared to them now, and
they did not feel it any very great grievance; but, such as it was, it
was infinitely lightened by Law and the _Family Herald_. He was, to tell
the truth, a little bit interested himself in the stories. He thought
them very finely written. He liked the bits about Araminta’s true, but
alas! poor and unfortunate lover. This lover was tall and strong,
interesting and clever beyond description. He could do whatever he tried
to do, and managed to live comfortably upon nothing at all. Law had a
half notion that this elegant and perfect being was like himself. He
would not have breathed it to anyone, but yet he thought so. And when
one story was finished he began another. He did not mind whether it was
the beginning, or the middle, or the end of the tale; all was the same
to Law; he went stoutly on, and read the whole number through--poetry,
answers to correspondents, and all. It was not very fine literature
perhaps, or, rather, it was very superfine literature, with nobody below
the rank of a baronet in the leading stories; but what it did for these
poor dressmaking girls! They followed Lady Araminta through every turn
of her wonderful fortunes, with eyes that glowed and shone over their
needlework. They identified themselves with her, exclaiming, “That’s
just what I’d have done!” and, “No, I wouldn’t have had him, not I, if
he’d been fifty dukes!” with true enthusiasm. Their needles flew, and
the work got on as by magic; their excitement showing itself in the
speed with which they worked. The wedding things were done an hour
sooner than they would otherwise have been done, under this stimulus,
and it was little more than twelve o’clock when Polly, after folding up
the last dress, in readiness to be sent home first thing in the morning,
said, “Now, Mr. Lawrence, you’ve been a deal of use. If you like, you
can see me home!”
“As if it was a treat for him to see her home!” Emma cried, who owned
the special allegiance of Law; but the youth for his part had no
objection. It was a beautiful night, and a little additional walk was
nothing but a pleasure to him; and he was quite good-natured, ready to
exert himself in any way that was not legitimate and necessary. Emma,
indeed, did not smile upon this undertaking. She (who had been obliged
to do as much before now without anyone to take care of her) did not see
what Polly wanted with an escort in a quiet place like St. Michael’s.
“You’ll meet nobody worse than the policeman,” she said.
“Policemen are bad enough, sometimes,” said Polly.
“Mind you don’t meet the Captain,” said Emma’s elder sister, “and get
him into trouble with his papa.”
At this Polly laughed, tossing her head with its innumerable plaits and
puffs. “I hope I can manage the Captain,” she said. And whoever had
heard the style of Polly’s conversation as she walked up the sweep of
the steep street by Law’s side, with the soft night air blowing in their
faces, would have recognised at once the superiority of Polly to all the
insinuations addressed to her. All was very quiet in the High Street of
St. Michael’s: they met nobody worse than the policeman, as Emma had
suggested; and everything was still and dark, except the stars shining
far away overhead; for the shop-windows had long been closed, and the
lamps glimmered few and far between.
“You mustn’t think anything of what these foolish things say about the
Captain,” said Polly; “because I’m a bit more reasonable than the rest,
he likes to have a chat with me now and again. He’s a very well-informed
man is your papa; but you mustn’t think nothing of what they say----”
“Oh, I don’t!” said Law, with the serenest confidence; “I know the
governor’s way.”
This, however, was not a reply which pleased Polly. “What do you mean by
the governor’s way?” she cried sharply. “You are not half respectful
enough, if you would like to hear my opinion. You shouldn’t talk of the
Captain like that; he’s a fine man, and he’s one that many in this town
thinks a deal of.”
“Is he really?” said Law, in genuine surprise; “I did not know that. I
wonder what kind of people they are? Is it far off where you live,
Polly? I haven’t got a latchkey, so I don’t want to be very late.”
“You never thought of being late so long as you were sitting by Emma;
though what you can see in a little white-haired thing like that, like a
white cat! You haven’t got a latchkey? I should think not at your age.
Mr. Lawrence, take my advice, and never be so late out of bed unless
there is a very good reason for it.”
“I like that!” cried Law, “when it was you that kept me there all the
time.”
“I thought it would do you good,” said Polly. “I am almost sure you had
not done a thing besides, or looked into a book for the whole day.”
“Oh! I should not mind standing an examination in the _Family Herald_,”
Law said with a laugh. He had occupied the post of reader in the
workroom before, and knew a great deal about Lady Araminta. There could
not be any doubt that he was very good-natured, and ready to make
himself of use.
“I should like to know,” said Polly--and though he could scarcely see
her face, Law felt, with a mixture of amusement and indignation, by the
sound of her voice, that Polly, too, meant to give him good advice--“I
should like to know, Mr. Lawrence, what you intend to be? Are you going
into the army, like the Captain? If I were a young gentleman, that’s
what I should choose above everything.”
“I can’t afford the army, worse luck,” cried Law; “we haven’t got any
money, and a fellow can’t live on his pay. And there’s those dash’d
examinations to pass everywhere before you can get into anything; it’s
enough to drive a man out of his senses. I sometimes think I shall
emigrate--that’s the only thing you can do without an examination.”
“But you can’t do that without money--a little money at least,” said
Polly. “If I were you, I should make a push and get in somewhere. I
can’t think how you can stay at home doing nothing, a great strong young
man like you.”
“Oh! as for being strong, that don’t do much for an exam.,” said Law.
“The little fellows stand the best chance there.”
“I wouldn’t make jokes about it, if I were you. I wonder how you can go
on living on the Captain, and such a burden on him--both you and your
sister----”
“Hallo,” said Law in extreme surprise. The mention of Lottie bewildered
him. He was not even angry for the moment--he was so profoundly
astonished.
“Yes, indeed, you and your sister too. You don’t show any consideration
for the Captain, and how can you expect that he’s always to be thinking
of you? The Captain is a young man still, and he is a fine man, and if
he were to marry again, as would be very natural at his age, where would
you and Miss Despard be?”
“Let my sister alone, if you please,” said Law, with a momentary flash
of anger; and then he relapsed into a laugh. “The governor should be
much obliged to you, Polly, for taking his part.”
“Somebody ought to take his part,” said Polly. “I don’t suppose he’s
much over fifty--what I call quite a young man still; and why should he
deny himself and spend all he’s got on two grown-up young people that
ought to be making their own living? A man like the Captain, he wants
his ease and his little comforts and a wife to look after him--that’s
what he wants. He ain’t an old man to give in to his family. If I were
to put upon my folks like that, do you think I’d be walking up St.
Michael’s Hill at this hour of the night, after slaving and stitching
all day? Not a bit of it, Mr. Lawrence. If I were to do as you’re doing,
I might sit at home and make myself comfortable; but I was always one
for being independent, and as for the Captain, poor dear! he oughtn’t to
be spending his money upon them that can do for themselves. It is
himself he ought to be thinking of, to get all the pleasure he can as
long as he’s able to enjoy it. And if he were to marry again, as there’s
nothing more likely, where would you and Miss Lottie be? Oh, yes, I know
your names quite well,” said Polly. “We often talk about you. These sort
of names for short are a mistake. For instance me, my name’s Maria,
that’s a very lady-like name; but what does it matter when everybody
calls me Polly? but, if my name’s common, nobody can say of me that I
don’t behave handsome to my parents,” Polly said with emphasis. As for
Law, he had felt himself growing hot and cold all through this speech.
It plunged him into an entirely new world of thought. He tried to laugh,
but there was no laughter in his mind.
“It is very kind of you, Polly,” he said, with scorn in his voice, “to
take the trouble to give me so much good advice.”
“Oh, I assure you it’s not for your sake, but the Captain’s,” said
Polly. “I told him if ever I had a chance with either of you, you should
hear a bit of my mind--and I saw my opportunity to-night--that’s why I
asked you to come with me, Mr. Lawrence. Oh, it wasn’t for the pleasure
of your society! I told the Captain I’d give you a bit of my mind. This
is my home, so I’ll bid you good-night, and I hope you’ll lay to heart
what I say.”
Law turned up the Abbey Hill when thus dismissed with much secret
excitement in his mind. It was altogether a new idea to him that his
father was as Polly said, quite a young man still, and that it was on
himself, not on his grown-up children, that his money should be spent.
Law had never looked upon the income of the family as belonging
exclusively to his father. It _was_ the family income, and it had seemed
to him that he had just as good a right to have everything he wanted as
his father had. As a matter of fact he did not get all he wanted, as
Captain Despard managed to do; but that was because his father had the
command of everything, not that he had a better right to it than Law.
The idea that he had no right at all, as Polly seemed to think, and that
his father might make the home untenable by marrying somebody, perhaps
Polly herself, struck him as the most extraordinary of revelations. It
was too extraordinary to be thought of calmly--his brain boiled and
bubbled with the extraordinariness and novelty of the thought. The
governor, who was only not an old fogey because he was so much less
respectable, less orderly than old fogeys ought to be!--Law could not
associate his father’s image with the idea of, even, comparative youth.
But he could not dismiss the suggestion from his mind. He tried to
laugh, but something seemed to hang over him like a threat, like a cloud
of evil omen. He walked quickly up the slope to the Abbey gate, trying
to shake off the uneasy feeling in his mind--trying to postpone at least
the new idea which he could not get rid of. When, however, Law had got
into the Precincts he saw a passenger not much less active and
considerably more jaunty than himself on the way before him, walking
with a slight occasional lurch, up the pavement to the Lodges. The lurch
was quite slight, and might not have been noticed by an indifferent eye,
but Law noted it with the jealous observation of one whose own credit
was at stake. It was hard upon a fellow, he thought, that his father
should be seen going home night after night with a lurch in his walk,
and that his name should be recognised in all the lowest quarters of
the town as that of “the Captain’s son.” Why should he suffer for such a
cause? Other old men were respectable, were no shame to their sons, but
on the contrary furnished a margin of honour and reputation upon which
to draw when there was occasion; but this was not the case with Captain
Despard. Other old men--but there suddenly flashed across Law’s mind as
he instinctively placed his father in this class, a recollection of the
words which had just been said to him--“He is what I call a young man
still.” Pricked by this thought, he looked at the figure before him with
eyes suddenly cleared from the mists of habit and tradition, and saw it
in an altogether new light. Captain Despard was straight and active: he
carried his head high, and his step, though to-night slightly irregular,
was both firm and light. To see him walking in front humming and
whistling by turns, perhaps with a certain bravado to show how steady he
was, gave Law the most uncomfortable sensation. It was true what Polly
had said. This was no old fogey, no heavy father; though up to this
moment Law had looked upon the Captain in no other light. He felt a
shiver come over him, a sudden realisation of all the possibilities. Who
should say that the governor ought not to do what he liked best,
whatever that might be? Law felt conscious that he himself, who was so
much younger, did what he liked in indifference to everybody’s opinion,
and he was under no affectionate delusion as to the superior virtue of
his father. What if Polly were right? Polly perhaps had a better chance
of knowing the Captain’s wishes than either his son or his daughter, to
whom he was not likely to talk on such subjects. A chill came over the
lad though the night was so warm. Life had always seemed sure enough to
him, though it had its privations. He had to put up with that chronic
want of pocket-money--and with frequent “rows” from his father, and
passionate remonstrances from Lottie. These were the drawbacks of
existence; but Law was aware that, except in very favourable
circumstances indeed, as when you were born a duke, or at least born to
the possession of five thousand a year or so, existence was very seldom
without drawbacks; this, however, was very much worse than the want of
pocket-money; the governor with a new wife, perhaps Polly! The situation
was too horrible to be realised, but for the moment the idea seemed to
pour a current of ice into Law’s veins.
He had no latchkey, but as soon as he saw his father he made up his mind
to take advantage of Captain Despard’s entrance in a way which he had
found practicable before this. Light and swift as he was, when the
Captain had fumbled and opened the door, Law stole close behind him and
entered with him in the darkness. “What’s that?” Captain Despard
growled, feeling the movement of the air as his son passed. “I’ll swear
there’s a ghost in this house,” he added, grumbling to himself. Law,
however, was safely out of the way before his father managed to strike a
light, and went, swaying from side to side, up the narrow staircase
which creaked under him. The young fellow, standing back in the
darkness, saw Captain Despard’s face illuminated by the light of the
candle he carried, and gazed at it with eyes sharpened by anxiety. It
was a handsome face--the contour still perfect, the hair crisp and
curling, a heavy military moustache shadowing the well-formed lip. The
Captain was flushed, his eyes were blinking, half-closed, and that
unloveliest look that can be seen on a man’s face, the look of partial
intoxication approaching the sleepy stage, took all spirit and sentiment
from him. Yet Law could not but acknowledge that his father was a
handsome man. He stood quite still, watching that progress upstairs,
half because he was unwilling to be seen, half because he was anxious to
see. Captain Despard was “a fine man,” as Polly had said. Law could see
now, looking at him between the bars of the railing which guarded the
little staircase, that there was nothing in common between him and the
old white-haired Chevaliers, old men not strong enough to be warlike,
but courteous and gentle as becomes old soldiers, who sunned themselves
on the pavement before the Lodges. Captain Despard, middle-aged and
self-assertive, was as different as possible from those old gentlemen
with their honourable scars. He had none of their honours nor of the
grace of old service; but he was strong in life and vigour, a kind of
superiority which Law could appreciate. A grain of pride mingled in the
exasperation with which he acknowledged this to himself--and yet he was
not only exasperated but alarmed. He retired to bed very softly
afterwards, creeping on tiptoe and in the dark up the stairs. There was
still a gleam of light under Lottie’s door, but Law preferred not to
direct his sister’s attention to the late hour of his own return by
going straight to her room to relieve himself of his trouble. He did not
want to be forced into confidences or to betray where he had himself
been, and how he had heard the alarming prophecies which had so suddenly
cleared his sight; and though the temptation was great he resisted it.
Thus the lights were burning all at once in three of the little rooms in
Captain Despard’s house, each illuminating a separate world of
excitement, unsuspected by the others. The Captain’s share of the
disturbance was less of the mind than the body. He had lost some money
which he could not afford to lose, and was annoyed on this account; and
he was excited, but more sleepy, on account of the potations which had
accompanied his play. “By----, I’ll have it back to-morrow night--luck
can’t be so against me one night after another.” This was the only
burden of his simple and uncomplicated reflections. He thought nothing
of his children one way or another. Both his children, however, though
in different ways, were thinking of him. Lottie, though she dared not
openly sit up for her father, remained up in her own room until he came
in, and she had made sure that he did not want anything, and was not
likely to set the house on fire. But Law’s reflections were more serious
than those of the other two. It seemed to the idle lad as if suddenly a
real burden had got on to his shoulders. He was thoroughly frightened
out of the pleasant calm of nature--the sense that everything must go on
as everything had gone since he could remember. In later days, indeed,
things had gone better for Law--Lottie had managed now and then to
scrape a shilling or two off the housekeeping to give him, and of late
she had not bullied him quite so much as usual. The current had been
flowing more evenly--everything had conspired to make the happy-go-lucky
of his life more smooth than before. He woke up with all the more fright
and surprise to the sudden danger now.
CHAPTER VIII.
TRIUMPH AND TERROR.
Lottie had gone home that night, it need not be said, with her head full
of excitement. Had she not good reason to look upon this evening as of
importance in her life? She had met the man who, before he had ever
spoken to her, had, according to all appearances, placed her on the
highest pinnacle on which a girl can be placed--the throne of a romantic
love. Though it had been a temporary downfall to her to be placed in the
charge of Mr. Ashford and the Signor, instead of crossing the Dean’s
Walk in the company of this secret and poetical lover, yet she was
almost glad to be thus let drop into quietness, to avert any word or
look too much, which might have spoiled the visionary elevation on which
she felt herself. Yes, she was glad that they had never been alone. Had
he whispered an avowal of any kind into her ear, she was not, she knew,
prepared for it; Lottie was honest even in her self-delusion, and she
knew that, however profoundly to her advantage it might be, she could
not make any response to a man whom she did not know, whom she was
speaking to for the first time, notwithstanding her consciousness that
he must have been thinking of her for a long time. She could not have
made any fit reply. She must have said something which probably would
have hurt him in the fervour of his romantic passion; for, though
grateful to him and romantically touched by his evident devotion, Lottie
could not have persuaded herself that he was anything to her except a
delightful wonder and most flattering novelty. No, it was better, much
better, that he did not come; she must have hurt his feelings,
discouraged him, probably driven him away from her; and she was very far
from wishing to drive him away. Lottie thought, with an innocent
calculation, if she saw a little more of him, had a little time given
her to make his acquaintance, that probably she would come to love him
quite naturally and spontaneously; but at present it was not possible
that she could do so, and she felt a natural shrinking from any
premature disclosure of his feelings. Thus it was evidently most
fortunate that the Dean had interposed, that Rollo had not been allowed
to come home with her--fortunate, and yet a little disappointing too.
There had been a very few words exchanged with her companions as they
crossed the Dean’s Walk. Mr. Ashford had most kindly and courteously
reminded her that she had expressed a wish to speak to him about
something. “It is too late now to ask what it was,” he said; “I must not
keep you out of doors at this hour; but if you will permit me, I will
call and inquire in what way I can be of use to you?” “You know in what
way _I_ would like to be of use to you, Miss Despard,” the Signor said
on the other side. All this was very flattering, even though she might
be displeased by the Signor’s reiteration of his disagreeable offer. She
made him a curtsey like Lady Caroline, while to the minor canon she gave
her hand, which perhaps was quite sufficient to mark her different
estimation of them. And indeed the Signor had been very kind about the
accompaniments, which he had certainly played to perfection. This
recollection came to her mind as he thanked her for her singing,
undaunted by the stiffness of her leave-taking. “Indeed, I owe you more,
a great deal more, than you can possibly owe me,” Lottie said, with a
burst of compunction; “I never sang so well before, because I never had
such an accompaniment.” “Then I hope I may accompany you very often
again,” he said, with a smile, as he went away. Thus even with the
Signor, Lottie felt herself in perfect good-humour and charity. A man
who paid such compliments to her voice, how could she be hard upon him,
even if he made a little mistake in respect to her position? And she
went in out of the summer night in a state of celestial satisfaction
with all the people surrounding her--and herself. Even Lady Caroline had
melted into something which was warmth for her. She had said, “I have
enjoyed your singing very much, Miss Despard,” and had touched Lottie’s
hand with two limp fingers--that was something, indeed it was much for
Lady Caroline. And all the other great ladies had spoken, or at least
had smiled upon Lottie, thanking her. What could she have wished for
more? She went up into her little tiny room, which was not much bigger
than Lady Caroline’s grand piano, and throwing off the Indian shawl (if
Mrs. O’Shaughnessy could but have seen it!) on the floor, sat down upon
her little white bed and began to think. To think! nothing of the
sort--to go over everything that had happened, with a dazzle of light
and delight and triumph round her. She seemed to herself to have thrown
down all the boundaries that had hitherto separated her from her lawful
sphere. If a suitor should come from that higher and better world who
could wonder now? Had she not been adopted into it--received to her just
place at last?
And naturally it was upon Rollo that her recollections chiefly centred;
he was the chief figure of the whole company to Lottie. She remembered
minutely everything he had said and done, the expression of his face
(though she put infinitely more meaning in it than was there), the tone
of his voice. How the room had become at once full of interest, of
excitement, when he came in, clearing away all the dimness! Lottie had
scarcely time even to wonder how and where their next meeting would be,
for thinking of this first meeting. How his face had lighted up when he
saw that she was there; how he had been caught by some one on his way to
her, and kept talking in spite of himself, with his eyes upon her all
the time; how he had escaped and pressed through all the fine company to
get to her side; how he had confessed that he had but a very visionary
right to claim her acquaintance at all, but nevertheless meant to stand
on that right as, for the time being, the son of the house! Lottie had
scarcely forgotten a word of all he said. And, as a matter of fact,
Rollo had been very careful to behave himself with due discretion, not
to make it too apparent that her voice was the thing that most
interested him. She thought that he admired her singing as a part of his
enthusiasm for herself. She had not a suspicion of the real state of the
case. It seemed to her that her voice was a delightful discovery to him,
a something _pardessus le marché_, an added charm; that it was the sole
foundation of his apparent enthusiasm never occurred to the girl;
neither, though she knew that her general triumph was caused by her
singing, did she solely set down to that cause the friendly looks and
smiles and flattering compliments she had received. This was absurd, but
we do not pretend that Lottie was beyond the reach of absurdity. She
knew that it was her singing which had suddenly silenced all the
conversation going on in the room, and called the attention of
everybody; but yet it was surely something more; it was herself, not her
voice, which brought that kindly look to their eyes as they smiled upon
her. It is hard to acknowledge to ourselves that it is for some special,
perhaps accidental, quality we may possess, that we are favoured and
esteemed by our fellow-creatures. Human nature is humbled by the
conviction that it is the possession of a gift worthy of popularity
which makes an individual popular. We all prefer to be prized for
nothing at all, for ourselves. And this, in the face of circumstances,
and clean against all reason, was what Lottie hoped and determinedly
believed. She could not consent to the other idea. To be praised and
made friends with _for her voice_ was intolerable. The only approbation
which is really flattering and delightful is that which is given upon no
ground at all.
She had been sitting thus for some time on her bed, musing, with eyes
that sparkled and a heart that fluttered with happiness; and had taken
off her evening gown, and loosed the roses from her hair, and wrapped
her white shining satin shoulders in a white cotton dressing-gown; and
had even brushed out those long dark locks, and twisted them up again
close to her head for the night, with innumerable fancies twisted out
and in of all she did, before Captain Despard, fumbling for the
key-hole, opened his own door and came in, in the dark. It was Lottie’s
habit to sit up till he came in, but to-night she had been too much
occupied by her own concerns to hear his approach, and it was only when
he came upstairs that she woke up to think of him. Lottie’s experienced
ear caught the lurch in his step, just as Law’s experienced eye had
caught it. “Again!” she said to herself, with a momentary flash of
anger; but it did not make her wretched as it might have done a more
sensitive daughter. Lottie was accustomed to accept her father without
question, not expecting much of him, and somewhat disposed, when he did
not come up even to the little she expected, to satisfy herself that it
was just like papa. But his entrance relieved her from her habitual
vigil. She heard Law steal upstairs afterwards, and wondered how or when
he had got in, and where he went at night, with more curiosity than she
expended on her father; but even that did not much disturb Lottie, who
had been used all her life to irregular entrances and exits. After a
while all was still in the little house, notwithstanding the anxieties
and excitements collected under its roof. Disquietude and trouble could
not keep Law from sleeping any more than excitement and triumph could
keep his sister; and, as for the Captain, the sleep of the just was
never so profound as that which wrapped him in a not too lovely
tranquillity. The air was all thrilling with emotion of one kind or
another, but they slept as profoundly as if they had not a care in the
world--as soundly as the good O’Shaughnessys next door, who had been
asleep since eleven o’clock, and who had no cares but those of their
neighbours to disquiet them; or old Colonel Dalrymple on the other side,
who dozed through his life. The soft night stilled them all, young and
old and middle-aged, in their kind, just as it held in soft shadow the
Abbey, with all its grey pinnacles and immemorial towers. Nature cared
nothing for the troubles of life; but life submitted to the gentle yoke
of nature, which relieves the soul, while it binds the body, and makes a
temporary truce and armistice with all the army of mortal cares.
Next morning Law lounged into the little drawing-room after breakfast
with a big book in his hand. He had almost given up the pretence of
reading for some time, so that it was all the more wonderful to see a
book which was not a yellow railway novel in his hand. Lottie had been
up early, awakened by the commotion in her mind, which did not allow her
to rest--or rather which prevented her from going to sleep again when
the early noises of the morning woke her up. Accordingly she had got
through a great deal of her ordinary household work by this time, when
Law, after a breakfast which was later than usual, lounged in upon her.
He was very big, and filled up the little room; and his habit of doing
as little as possible, and his want of money, which made some
imperfections in his toilet inevitable, gave him a look of indolence
and shabbiness such as was not natural to his age, or even to his
disposition, for by nature Law was not lazy. He came sauntering in with
one hand in his pocket, and with his book under the other arm; and he
sat down in the only easy-chair the room contained, exasperating Lottie,
to whom his very bigness seemed an offence. There were times when she
was proud of Law’s size, his somewhat heavy good-looks, his athletic
powers; but this morning, as many times before, the very sight of those
long limbs jarred upon her. What was the use of all that superfluous
length and strength? He took the only easy-chair, and stretched out his
long limbs half across the room, and Lottie at the height of her
activity felt impatience rise and swell within her. She could not put up
with Law that morning. His indolence was an offence to her.
“What do you want, Law?” she said, in a voice which was not so sweet as
it had been at the Deanery. She gave a rapid glance up at him as she
went on with her darning, and took in the whole picture, the easy-chair
and the lounging attitude. If he had sat upright upon the little hard
wickerwork chair, Lottie would have felt more merciful.
“Well, I want nothing in particular, except to talk to you a little,”
said Law. “You need not be so cross.”
“I am not cross; but to see you in an easy-chair, idling away all the
morning----”
“How do you know I’ve been idling this morning? Look at my book: that’s
Virgil,” said Law, looking at it with simple admiration. “I don’t think
a fellow could do much better than that.”
“But have you _really_ been reading?” Lottie’s tone modified; she began
to look at him with respect. “Oh, Law, if you only would work! it would
make such a difference, it would make me quite happy. I was speaking to
Mr. Ashford last night. You know Mr. Ashford, the minor canon. He is so
clever with his pupils. If you could but go to him, if he would only
take you, Law!”
“He would take me fast enough if we could afford the money. I say,
Lottie, the governor was awfully late last night: did you hear him
coming in? I want to tell you something about him--something I have
heard.”
“I think you were very late, too, Law.”
“Oh! never mind about that; it does not matter about me. Lottie, listen.
A friend--I mean somebody--was speaking to me about him. Did it ever
come into your head that he was not an old man, and that such a thing
was possible as that he might--it seems too ridiculous to say it--marry
again?”
“Marry again? you are dreaming!” cried Lottie loudly, in her
astonishment.
“Yes, while we knew nothing of it. After all, when you come to think of
it, when you look at him, you know, he is not so awfully old. One thinks
he must be, because he is one’s father. But some of these old beggars
are just as silly”--said Law in awestruck tones, “and you can’t stop
them doing things as you can a fellow that is young. It is an awful
shame! a fellow that is under age, as they call it, you can pull him up,
though there’s no harm in him; but an old fellow of fifty, you can’t
stop him, whatever nonsense he may set his face to. That’s what I heard
last night.”
“It is not true. I don’t believe a single word of it,” said Lottie. “You
must have been in very strange company, Law,” she added with severity,
“to hear all this gossip about papa.”
Lottie did not mean to pass such a tremendous sentence on her father;
she spoke simply enough. To hear this gossip her brother must have been
in haunts such as those that Captain Despard frequented. She did not
know what they were, but she knew they were evil; therefore she made use
of this weapon instinctively, which she found, as it were, lying by her,
not meaning any censure upon her father, only a necessary reproof to
Law.
“You may say what you please about bad company,” he said, “but that’s
what I heard; that he wasn’t so old after all; and what would become of
us if he married again? It was not gossip. I believe really, though I
was very angry at the time, that it was meant kindly; it was meant for a
warning. You would have thought so yourself, if you had been there.”
“I do not believe a word of it,” said Lottie; but she had grown pale.
She did not ask again who had told him or where he had been; she set
herself seriously to prove the thing to be false, which showed that she
was not so sure of not believing it as she pretended to be. “It is all a
falsehood,” she went on. “Is papa a man to do that sort of thing? Marry!
he would have to give us a great many things if he married. He could not
afford to spend his money as he does; he would not be allowed to be
always out in the evenings as he is now. Why, even poor mamma, she did
not give in to him as we are obliged to do; he had to pay a little
attention to her--sometimes. And now he has got more used to do what he
likes than ever, and has more money to spend; do you think he would give
up that _for a wife_?” cried Lottie with disdain. “It only shows that
you don’t know papa.”
“Ah! but you don’t know----” said Law. He was about to say “Polly,” but
stopped in time. “You don’t know what might be put into his head,
Lottie. He might be made to believe that to get rid of us would put all
right. If he got rid of us, don’t you see? he would want a woman in the
house; and if it was some one he liked himself, that would make herself
agreeable to him, and flatter him, and coddle him--that would please him
better,” said Law, with precocious knowledge of a man’s requirements,
“than you, who are always trying to keep things straight but not to
humour him, Lottie; or me--that am of no use at all.”
Lottie grew paler and paler during this explanation. She had never
humoured her father, it was true. She had made desperate exertions “to
keep things straight,” to recover the family credit, to pay the bills,
to keep regular hours; but, with the hardihood of youth, she had not
hesitated even to stint her father of a meal when it seemed to her
impetuous determination to be necessary, and she had not flattered him,
nor made his convenience the absolute rule of the household, as some
girls would have been wise enough to do. Lottie had reflected that he
kept the lion’s share of the family income to himself, and was quite
able to make up for any shortcomings in her bill of fare; and she had
carried out her regulations with a high hand, feeling no compulsion upon
her, no primary necessity to please her father. She perceived all this
at a glance while Law spoke, and immediately felt herself confronting
such a breach of all the ordinary usages of her life as made her shiver.
What might he not do? turn them out suddenly from his doors, out upon
the world, at any moment whenever he pleased. He had the power to do it
whenever he pleased, whatever seemed to him good. She drew a long
shivering breath, feeling as if all were over, as if already she heard
the door clanging and barred behind her, and was looking out penniless
and destitute upon the world, not knowing where to go. Was it possible
that such a fate was reserved for her? She became as white as her dress
with that sudden panic of the imagination which is more terrible than
any reality. Law was very anxious and alarmed also, but he had got over
the worst on the previous night, and it gave him a kind of half pleasure
to see how he had frightened Lottie; though, at the same time, the
effect of his communication upon her deepened his own conviction of the
danger about to overtake them. He leaned back in his easy-chair with a
certain solemn satisfaction, and stretched his long legs farther across
the room than ever.
“You see, Lottie,” he said, “it is what I have told you before; you
never would humour him. I don’t say that he’s not unreasonable, but he
might never perhaps have dropped among those sort of people if you had
laid yourself out to----”
Lottie sprang to her feet in a sudden gust of passion. She took Law by
the shoulders, and with the sudden surprise of her assault got the
better of him and turned him out of the chair. “You sit there, lolling
all over the room,” she cried, “and tell me my duty, you lazy, idle,
useless boy! If papa turns you out, it will serve you right. You have a
hundred things open to you; you have the whole world open to you; but
you will not so much as take the trouble to pass the door. You would
like to be carried over all the ditches, to be set up on a throne, to
have everything and to do nothing. It will serve you right! And where do
you get all this gossip about papa?” she went on. “Who are the sort of
people you are spending your time with? You thought I did not know how
late you came in last night. Where were you, Law? where are you always,
all these long evenings? You say you are going out, and you never mind
that I am sitting in the house all alone. You go somewhere, but I never
hear that you have been with anybody--anybody in our own class----”
“In our own class! I wonder what is our own class?” said Law, with a
scornful sense of the weakness of the position. “Would you like me to
take a hand in old O’Shaughnessy’s rubber, or read the papers to old
Dalrymple? They are half as old again as the governor himself. I suppose
that’s what you call my own class.”
Lottie felt that she had laid herself open to defeat, and the
consciousness subdued her greatly. She sat down again on her little
chair, and looked up at him as he stood leaning upon the door, red with
indignation at her onslaught. Lottie herself was flushed with the
exertion and the shame of having thus afforded him an opportunity for a
scoff. She eluded the dilemma as he proposed it, however, and flung
herself back into the larger question: “You are grown up,” she said,
indignantly; “a great big boy, looking like a man. It is a disgrace to
you to be dependent on papa. It would be a good thing for you, a very
good thing, if he were to--marry, as you say, and cast you off, and
force you to work for yourself. What else have I been saying to you for
years?”
“And what would it be for you?” said Law, taking, she thought, an unkind
advantage of her; “there are two of us to be considered. What would it
be for you, Lottie, I should like to know? What could you do any more
than I?”
He stood up against the door, with a provoking smile on his face, and
his big book under his arm, taunting her with her helplessness, even
Lottie felt, with her high notions, which made her helplessness all the
worse. He smiled, looking down upon her from that serene height. “If the
worst came to the worst,” said Law, “I could always carry a hod or ’list
for a soldier. I don’t stand upon our class as you do. I haven’t got a
class. I don’t mind if I take the shilling to-morrow. I have always
thought it would be a jolly life.”
Lottie gave a scream of horror, and flew upon him, seizing his coat
collar with one hand, while she threatened him with her small nervous
fist, at which Law laughed. “Will you dare to speak of ’listing to me,”
she said, flaming like a little fury; “you, an officer’s son, and a
gentleman born!” Then she broke down, after so many varieties of
excitement. “Oh, Law, for the sake of Heaven, go to Mr. Ashford! I will
get the money somehow,” she said, in a broken voice, melting into tears,
through which her eyes shone doubly large and liquid. “Don’t break my
heart! I want you to be better than we are now, not worse. Climb up as
far, as far as you please, above us; but don’t fall lower. Don’t forget
you are a gentleman, unless you want to break my heart.”
And then, in the overflow of feeling, she leaned her head upon his
shoulder, which she had just gripped with fury, and cried. Law found
this more embarrassing than her rage, at which he laughed. He was
obliged to allow her to lean upon him, pushing his book out of the way,
and his heart smote him for making Lottie unhappy. By this time it could
not be said that he was unhappy himself. He had shuffled off his burden,
such as it was, upon her shoulders. He shifted his book, and stood
awkwardly enough, permitting her to lean upon him; but it cannot be said
that he was much of a prop to his sister. He held himself so as to keep
her off as far as possible. He was not unkind, but he was shy, and did
not like to be placed in a position which savoured of the ridiculous. “I
wish you wouldn’t cry,” he said, peevishly. “You girls always cry--and
what’s to be got by crying? I don’t want to ’list if I can help it. I’d
rather be an officer--but I can’t be an officer; or get into something;
but I never was bred up to anything; and what can I do?”
“You can go to Mr. Ashford,” said Lottie, feeling herself repulsed, and
withdrawing from him with a glimmer of indignation relighted in her
eyes. “I met him last night, and I spoke to him about you. He seems very
kind. If you go to him, he will at least tell us whether he thinks you
have a chance for anything. Oh, Law, now that you do see the
necessity----”
“But it’s a great deal more serious for you,” said the lad,
mischievously. He was not unkind, but it seemed something like fun to
him to treat Lottie as she had treated him so often, holding up before
him the terrors and horrors of his idleness. Because she was a girl, did
that make any difference? She had just as good a right to be bullied as
he had, and to be made to see how little she could do for herself. Emma,
who was younger than Lottie, worked for her living, and why should not
Lottie do the same? why should she be exempted? Thus Law reasoned, whom
Lottie, it must be allowed, had never spared. He watched, with
mischievous curiosity, making an experiment, not knowing whether it
would be successful or not. But the way in which Lottie took it after
this did not give Law the amusement he expected. She sat down again in
her chair, taking no further notice of him and relapsed into her own
thoughts when he could not follow her. His own mind, however, had
recovered its elasticity; for, after all, if the worst came to the
worst, if the governor was such an ass as to marry Polly, it would not
matter so very much to Law. Something, there was no doubt, would turn
up; or he would ’list--that was an alternative not to be despised. He
was tall enough for the Guards, among whom Law had often heard a great
many gentlemen were to be found; and the life was a jolly life--no
bother about books, and plenty of time for amusement. There was nothing
really in the circumstances to appal him now he had considered them
fully. But it was a great deal more serious for Lottie. After all the
bullying he had endured at her hands, Law may perhaps be excused if, in
sheer thoughtlessness, he rather enjoyed the prospect of this turning of
the tables upon his sister. He wondered how she would like it when it
came to her turn, she who was so ready to urge himself to the last
limits of patience. He did not wish anything unpleasant to happen to
her. He would not have had her actually brought into contact with Polly,
or placed under her power. But that Lottie should “just see how she
liked it herself” was pleasant to him. It would not do her any real
harm, and perhaps it would teach her to feel for other people, and
understand that they did not like it either. A slight tinge of remorse
crossed Law’s mind as he saw how pale and serious she looked, sitting
there thinking; but he shifted his Virgil to his other arm, and went
away, steeling his heart against it. It would make her feel for other
people in future. To have it brought home to herself would do her no
harm.
CHAPTER IX.
VISITORS.
And what a problem it was with which Lottie Despard was thus left alone!
The house was still, no one moving in it--nothing to distract her
thoughts. Now and then a swell of music from the Abbey, where service
was going on, swept in, filling the silence for a moment; but most of
the inhabitants of the Lodges were at matins, and all was very still in
the sunshine, the Dean’s Walk lying broad and quiet, with scarcely a
shadow to break the light. Downstairs the little maid-of-all-work had
closed the door of the kitchen, so that her proceedings were inaudible.
And the Captain, as in duty bound, was in the Abbey, trolling forth the
responses in a fine baritone, as he might have done had they been the
chorus of a song. Lottie sat like a statue in the midst of this
stillness, her eyes abstracted, her mind absorbed. What a problem to
occupy her! Law, rustling over his books in his own room, grew
frightened as he thought of her. She would break her heart; it would
make her ill; it might almost kill her, he thought. She sat with her
work dropped on her knee, her eyes fixed but not seeing anything; her
mind--what could occupy it but one reflection? the sudden possibility
of a breaking up of all her traditions, an end of her young life--a
dismal sudden survey of the means of maintaining herself, and where she
could go to in case this unthought-of catastrophe should occur at once.
Poor desolate Lottie, motherless, friendless, with no one to consult in
such an emergency, no one to fly to! What could be more terrible than to
be brought face to face with such an appalling change, unwarned,
unprepared? What was she to do? where was she to go? Worse than an
orphan, penniless, homeless, what would become of her? No wonder if
despair was paramount in the poor girl’s thoughts.
Well--but then despair was not paramount in her thoughts. She made a
stand for a moment with wild panic before the sudden danger. What was it
that was going to happen? Lottie gave a momentary gasp as a swimmer
might do making the first plunge; and then, like the swimmer, lo! struck
off with one quick movement into the sunshine and the smoothest gentle
current. Change! the air was full of it, the world was full of it, the
sky was beautiful with it, and her heart sprang to meet it. Do you think
a girl of twenty on the verge of love, once left free to silence and
musing, was likely to forget her own dreams in order to plunge into dark
reveries as to what would happen to her if her father married again? Not
Lottie, at least. She launched herself indeed on this subject, the
corners of her mouth dropping, a gleam of panic in her eyes; but
something caught her midway. Ah! it was like the touch of a magician’s
wand. What did it matter to Lottie what might happen to other people;
had not everything that was wonderful, everything that was beautiful,
begun to happen to herself? She floated off insensibly into that
delicious current of her own thoughts, losing herself in imaginary
scenes and dialogues. She lost her look of terror without knowing it, a
faint smile came upon her face, a faint colour, now heightening, now
paling, went and came like breath. Sometimes she resumed her work, and
her needle sped through her mending like the shuttle of the Fates;
sometimes it dropped out of her hand altogether, and the work upon her
knee. She lost count of time and of what she was doing. What was she
doing? She was weaving a poem, a play, a romance, as she sat with her
basket of stockings to darn. The _mise en scène_ was varied, but the
personages always the same; two personages--never any more; sometimes
they only looked at each other, saying nothing; sometimes they talked
for hours; and constantly in their talk they were approaching one
subject, which something always occurred to postpone. This indefinite
postponement of the explanation which, even in fiction, is a device
which must be used sparingly, can be indulged in without stint in the
private imagination, and Lottie in her romance took full advantage of
this power. She approached the borders of her _éclaircissement_ a
hundred times, and evaded it with the most delicate skill, feeling by
instinct the superior charm of the vague and undecided, and how love
itself loses its variety, its infinite novelty, and delightfulness, when
it has declared and acknowledged itself. Law, in his room with his big
book, comforting himself under the confused and painful study to which
the shock of last night’s suggestion had driven him by the idea that
Lottie too must be as uncomfortable as himself, was as much mistaken as
it was possible to imagine. His compunction and his satisfaction were
equally thrown away. Still the feeling that he had startled her, and the
hope that it would “do her good,” gave him a little consolation in his
reading, such as it was. And how difficult it was to read with the sun
shining outside, and little puffs of soft delicious air coming in at his
open window, and laying hands upon him, who shall say? He was comforted
to think that next door to him, Lottie, with her basket of clothes to
mend, patching and darning, must be very much disturbed too; but it
would have been hard upon Law had he known that she had escaped from all
this, and was meanly and treacherously enjoying herself in private
gardens of fancy. He had his Emma to be sure--but of her and the very
well-known scenes that enclosed her, and all the matter-of-fact
circumstances around, he felt no inclination to dream. He liked to have
her by him, and for her sake submitted to the chatter of the workroom
(which, on the whole, rather amused him in itself), and was quite
willing to read the _Family Herald_ aloud; but he did not dream of Emma
as Lottie did of the incident which had happened in her career. It was
true there was this fundamental difference between them, that Lottie’s
romance alone had any margin of the unknown and mysterious in it. About
Emma there was nothing that was mysterious or unknown.
It was not likely, however, that these two young people in their two
different rooms, Law gaping over his Virgil, and feeling his eyes wander
after every fly that lighted on his book, and every bird that chirped in
the deep foliage round the window; and Lottie with her needle and her
scissors, thinking of everything in the world except what she was doing
or what had just been told her, should be left undisturbed for long in
these virtuous occupations. Very soon Law was stopped in the middle of a
bigger yawn than usual by the sound of a step coming up the stairs,
which distracted his not very seriously fixed attention--and Lottie woke
up from the very middle of an imaginary conversation, to hear a mellow
round voice calling her, as it came slowly panting upstairs. “Are you
there then, Lottie, me honey? You’d never let me mount up to the top of
the house, without telling me, if ye weren’t there?” Mrs. O’Shaughnessy,
like many of her country-folks, was half aware of the bull she was
uttering, and there was a sound of laughter in her voice. Lottie,
however, sat still, making no sign, holding her needle suspended in her
fingers, reluctant to have her pleasant thoughts disturbed by any
arrival. But while the brother and sister, each behind a closed door,
thus paused and listened, the Captain (audibly) coming home from morning
service, stepped in after Mrs. O’Shaughnessy, and addressed the
new-comer. “Lottie is in the drawing-room,” he said, “though she does
not answer. I am just going out again when I’ve fetched something--but I
must first see you upstairs;” and then there was an interval of talking
on the stairs and the little landing-place. Lottie made no movement for
her part. She sat amidst her darnings, and awaited what was coming,
feeling that her time for dreams was over. Captain Despard came lightly
up, three steps at a time, after Mrs. O’Shaughnessy had panted to the
drawing-room door. He was jaunty and gay as ever, in his well-brushed
coat with a rosebud in his button-hole. Few, very few, days were there
on which Captain Despard appeared without a flower in his coat. He
managed to get them even in winter, no one could tell how. Sometimes a
flaming red leaf from the Virginia creeper, answered his purpose, but he
was always jaunty, gay, decorated with something or other. He came in
behind the large figure of their neighbour, holding out a glove with a
hole in the finger reproachfully to Lottie. “See how my child neglects
me,” he said. He liked to display himself even to Mrs. O’Shaughnessy,
and stood and talked to her while Lottie, with no very good grace, put
down her darning and mended his glove.
“When I was a young fellow, my dear lady,” he said, “I never wanted for
somebody to mend my glove; but a man can’t expect to be as interesting
to his daughter as he was in another stage of life.”
“Oh, Captain, take me word,” said Mrs. O’Shaughnessy, “the likes of you
will always be interesting to one or another. You won’t make me believe
that ye find nobody but your daughter to do whatever ye ask them. Tell
that--to another branch of the service, Captain Despard, me dear
friend.”
“You do me a great deal too much honour,” he said with the laugh of
flattered vanity; for he was not difficult in the way of compliments.
“Alas, Mrs. O’Shaughnessy, who would pay any attention to an old married
man, the father of a grown-up son and daughter, like me?”
“Sure, and you’re much to be pitied, so old as ye are, with one foot in
the grave, Captain dear,” the old Irishwoman said; and they both
laughed, she enjoying at once her joke, and the pleasure of seeing her
victim’s pleased appreciation of the compliment; while he, conscious of
being still irresistible, eyed himself in the little glass over the
mantelpiece, and was quite unaware of the lurking demon of
good-humoured malice and ridicule in her eyes.
“Not so bad as that perhaps,” he said, “but bad enough. A man grows old
fast in this kind of life. Matins every morning by cockcrow, to a man
accustomed to take his ease, Mrs. O’Shaughnessy. The Major grumbles, I
make no doubt, as well as I.”
“Sure it’s nothing half as bad as morning parade. That’s what
O’Shaughnessy says; and he never was used to his ease, Captain. I took
better care of him than that. But, Lottie, me honey, here we’re talking
of ourselves, and it’s you I’ve come to hear about. How many hearts did
ye break? how many scalps have ye got, as we used to say in Canada? It
wasn’t for nothing ye put on your finery, and those roses in your hair.
The Captain, he’s the one for a flower in his coat; you’re his own
daughter, Miss Lottie dear.”
“Were you out last night, my child?” said Captain Despard, taking his
glove from Lottie’s hand. “Ah, at the Deanery. I hope my friend the Dean
is well, and my Lady Caroline? Lady Caroline was once a very fine woman,
Mrs. O’Shaughnessy, though you would not think it. The Courtlands were
neighbours of ours in our better days, and knew all our connections; and
Lady Caroline has always been kind to Lottie. I do not think it
necessary to provide any chaperon for her when she goes there. It is in
society that a girl feels the want of a mother; but where Lady Caroline
is, Lottie can feel at home.”
“Fancy that now,” said Mrs. O’Shaughnessy, “how a body may be deceived!
I never knew ye were among old friends, Captain. What a comfort to
you--till you find somebody that will be a nice chaperon for your dear
girl!”
“Yes, Mrs. O’Shaughnessy, that would be a satisfaction; but where could
I find one that would satisfy me after Lottie’s dear mother, who was a
pearl of a woman? Good-morning to you, my dear lady; I must be going,”
he said, kissing the fingers of the mended glove. And he went out of the
room humming a tune, which, indeed, was as much a distinction of Captain
Despard as the flower in his coat. He was always cheerful, whatever
happened. His daughter looked up from her work, following him with her
eyes, and Law, shut up in his room next door, stopped reading (which
indeed he was very glad to do), and listened to the light carol of the
Captain’s favourite air and his jaunty step as he went downstairs. No
lurch in that step now, but a happy confidence and cheerful ring upon
the pavement when he got outside, keeping time surely not only to the
tune, but to the Captain’s genial and virtuous thoughts. Mrs.
O’Shaughnessy looked after him without the cloud which was on his
children’s faces. She laughed. “Then, sure, it does one’s heart good,”
she said, “to see a man as pleased with himself as me friend the
Captain. And Lottie, me darlin’, speaking of that, there’s a word I have
to say to you. Ye heard what I said and ye heard what he said about a
chaperon--though, bless the child, it’s not much use, so far as I can
see, that you have for a chaperon----”
“No use at all,” cried Lottie, “and don’t say anything about it, please.
Papa talks; but nobody pays any attention to him,” she exclaimed, with a
flush of shame.
“If he’d stop at talking! but Lottie, me dear, when a man at his age
gets women in his head, there’s no telling what is to come of it. I
wouldn’t vex ye, me dear, but there’s gossip about--that the Captain has
thoughts----”
“Oh, never mind what gossip there is about! there’s gossip about
everything----”
“And that’s true, me honey. There’s your own self. They tell me a dozen
stories. It’s married ye’re going to be (and that’s natural); and
there’s them that uphold it’s not marriage at all, but music, or maybe
the stage even, which is what I never would have thought likely----”
Lottie had risen to her feet, her eyes sparkling, her face crimson with
excitement. “Wherever you hear it, please, _please_ say it is a lie.
I--on the stage! Oh, Mrs. O’Shaughnessy, could you believe such a thing?
I would rather die!”
“Dying’s a strong step to take, me dear. I wouldn’t go that length,
Lottie; but at your age, and with your pretty looks, and all the world
before ye, it’s not the thing I would advise. I don’t say but there are
chances for a pretty girl that’s well conducted----”
“Mrs. O’Shaughnessy! do you dare to speak to me so?” said Lottie with
crimson cheeks, her eyes blazing through indignant tears. Well
conducted! the insult went to her very soul. But this was beyond the
perception of her companion.
“Just so, me, dear,” she said. “There was Miss O’Neil, that was a great
star in my time, and another stage lady that married the Earl of----,
one of the English earls. I forget his title. Lords and baronets and
that sort of people are thrown in their way, and sometimes a pretty girl
that minds what she is about, or even a plain girl that is clever, comes
in for something that would never---- Who is that, Lottie? Me dear, look
out of the window, and tell me who it is.”
Lottie did not say a word; she gasped with pain and indignation,
standing erect in the middle of the room. How it made the blood boil in
her veins to have the triumphs of the “stage-ladies” thus held up before
her! She did not care who was coming. In her fantastical self-elevation,
a sort of princess in her own sight, who was there here who would
understand Lottie’s “position” or her feelings? What was the use even of
standing up for herself where everybody would laugh at her? There was
no one in the Chevaliers’ Lodges who could render her justice. They
would all think that to “catch” an earl or a Sir William was enough to
content any girl’s ambition. So long as she was well conducted! To be
well conducted, is not that the highest praise that can be given to
anyone? Yet it made Lottie’s blood boil in her veins.
While she stood thus flushed and angry, the door was suddenly pushed
open by the untrained “girl,” who was all that the household boasted in
the shape of a servant. “She’s here, sir,” this homely usher said; and
lo, suddenly, into the little room where sat Mrs. O’Shaughnessy taking
up half the space, and where Lottie stood in all the excitement and glow
of passion, there walked Rollo Ridsdale, like a hero of romance, more
perfect in costume, appearance, and manner, more courteous and easy,
more graceful and gracious, than anything that had ever appeared within
that lower sphere. The Captain was jaunty and shabby-genteel, yet even
he sometimes dazzled innocent people with his grand air; but Mr.
Ridsdale was all that the Captain only pretended to be, and the very
sight of him was a revelation. Mrs. O’Shaughnessy, sitting with her
knees apart and her hands laid out upon her capacious lap, opened her
mouth and gazed at him as if he had been an angel straight from the
skies. Mrs. O’Shaughnessy knew him, as she knew every one who came
within the Abbey precincts. She was aware of every visit he paid to his
aunt, and saw him from her window every time he passed up and down the
Dean’s Walk, and she had the most intimate acquaintance with all his
connections, and knew his exact place in the Courtland family, and even
that there had been vicissitudes in his life more than generally fall to
the lot of young men of exalted position. And, if it did her good even
to see him from her window, and pleased her to be able to point him out
as the Honourable Rollo Ridsdale, it may be imagined what her feelings
were, when she found herself suddenly under the same roof with him, in
the same room with him. Mrs. O’Shaughnessy sat and stared, devouring his
honourable figure with her eyes, with a vague sensation of delight and
grandeur taking possession of her soul.
“You must pardon my intrusion at such an early hour, Miss Despard,” he
said. “I wanted your maid to ask if I might come in, and I did not know
she was ushering me into your very presence. But I have my credentials
with me. I bear a note from Lady Caroline, which she charged me to
support with my prayers.”
The passion melted out of Lottie’s countenance. Her eyes softened--the
very lines of her figure, all proud and erect and vehement, melted too
as if by a spell--the flush of anger on her cheek changed to a rose-red
of gentler feeling. The transformation was exactly what the most
accomplished actress would have desired to make, with the eye of an able
manager inspecting her possibilities. “I beg your pardon,” she said
instinctively, with a sudden sense of guilt. It shocked her to be found
so full of passion, so out of harmony with the melodious visitor who was
in perfect tune and keeping with the sweet morning, and in whose
presence all the vulgarities about seemed doubly vulgar. She felt
humble, yet not humiliated. Here was at last one who would understand
her, who would do her justice. She looked round to find a seat for him,
confused, not knowing what to say.
“May I come here?” said Rollo, pushing forward for her the little chair
from which she had evidently risen, and placing himself upon the narrow
window-seat with his back to the light. “But let me give up my
credentials first. My aunt is--what shall I say?--a little indolent,
Miss Despard. Dear Aunt Caroline, it is an unkind word--shall I say she
is not fond of action? Pardon if it is I who have acted as secretary. I
do so constantly now that Augusta is away.”
“Lottie,” said Mrs. O’Shaughnessy, as Lottie, confused, took the note
from his hand, and the chair he offered; “me dear!--you have not
presented me to your friend.”
Rollo got up instantly and bowed, as Lottie faltered forth his name (“A
real bow,” Mrs. O’Shaughnessy said after; “sure you never get the like
but in the upper classes”), while she herself, not to be outdone, rose
too, and extended a warm hand--(“What does the woman expect me to do
with her hand?” was Mr. Ridsdale’s alarmed commentary on his side).
“I’m proud to make your acquaintance, sir,” said Mrs. O’Shaughnessy. “Me
husband the Major was once a great friend of an uncle of yours, Mr.
Ridsdale--or maybe it was a cousin; when we were out in Canada, in the
Hundred and Fiftieth--the Honourable Mr. Green; they were together in
musketry practice, and me Major had the pleasure of being of a great
deal of use to the gentleman. Many a time he’s told me of it; and when
we came here, sure it was a pleasure to find out that me Lady Caroline
was aunt--or maybe it was cousin to an old friend. I am very glad to
make your acquaintance,” Mrs. O’Shaughnessy continued, shaking him
warmly by the hand, which she had held all this time. Mr. Ridsdale kept
bowing at intervals, and had done all that he could, without positive
rudeness, to get himself free.
“Oh, yes,” he said, “I have cousins and uncles and that sort of thing
scattered through the earth in every regiment under the sun; and very
bad soldiers, I don’t doubt, always wanting somebody to look after them.
I am sure Major O’Shaughnessy was very kind. Won’t you sit down?”
“It wasn’t to make a brag of his kindness--not a bit of that--but he is
a kind man and a good man, Mr. Ridsdale, though I say it that shouldn’t.
I have been married to me Major these forty years, and if anyone knows
it I ought to be the one to know.”
“Undoubtedly, Mrs. O’Shaughnessy. I for one am most ready to take the
fact on your word.”
“And you’d be in the right of it. A man’s wife, that’s the best judge of
his character. Whatever another may say, she’s the one that knows; and
if she says too much, one way or the other, sure it’s on herself it
falls. But, maybe you’re not interested, Mr. Ridsdale, in an old woman’s
opinions?”
“I am very much interested, I assure you,” said Rollo, always polite. He
kept an eye upon Lottie reading her note, but he listened to her friend
(if this was her friend) with as much attention, Mrs. O’Shaughnessy
always remembered, as if she had been a duchess at the least.
Meanwhile Lottie read the note, which purported to come from Lady
Caroline, and had a wavering C. Huntington at the bottom of the page,
which was her genuine autograph. The warmth of the appeal, however, to
her dear Miss Despard, to take pity on the dulness of the Deanery and
come in “quietly” that evening for a little music, was not in any way
Lady Caroline’s. She had consented indeed to permit herself to be sung
to on Rollo’s strenuous representation of the pleasure it had given her.
“You know, Aunt Caroline, you enjoyed it,” he had said; and “Yes, I
know I enjoyed it,” Lady Caroline, much wavering, had replied. It would
not have been creditable not to have enjoyed what was evidently such
very good singing; but it was not she who wrote of the dulness of the
Deanery nor who used such arguments to induce her dear Miss Despard to
come. Lottie’s countenance bending over the note glowed with pleasure as
Mrs. O’Shaughnessy kept up the conversation. Even with those girls who
think they believe that the admiration of men is all they care for, the
approbation of a woman above their own rank is always a more touching
and more thorough triumph than any admiration of men. And Lottie, though
she was so proud, was all humility in this respect; that Lady Caroline
should thus take her up, and encourage her, praise her, invite her, went
to her very heart. She almost cried over the kind words. She raised her
face all softened and glowing with happiness to the anxious messenger
who was listening to Mrs. O’Shaughnessy, and as their eyes met a sudden
smile of such responsive pleasure and satisfaction came to Rollo’s face
as translated Lottie back into the very paradise of her dreams.
“I can’t say, me dear sir,” said Mrs. O’Shaughnessy, “that things are
just exactly as we wish here, or as we thought we had a right to look
for. The Major and me, we’ve been used to a deal of fine company.
Wherever we’ve gone, was it in Canada, was it the Channel Islands, was
it at the depôt of the regiment, we’ve always been called upon by the
best. But here, sure the position is not what we were led to expect.
Money is all that most people are thinking of. There’s the society in
the town would jump at us. But that does not count, Mr. Ridsdale, you
know, that does not count; for to us in Her Majesty’s service, that have
always been accustomed to the best----”
“Surely, surely, I quite understand; and you have a right to the best.
Miss Despard,” said the ambassador, “I hope you are considering what
Lady Caroline says, and will not disappoint our hopes. Last night was
triumph, but this will be enjoyment. You, who must know what talent Miss
Despard has--I appeal to you, Mrs. O’Shaughnessy--I am sure from your
kind looks that we will have your aid.”
“Is it to go and sing for them again, Lottie, me dear?” said the old
lady in an undertone. “That’s just what I don’t like, Mr.
Ridsdale--excuse me if I speak my mind free--me Lady Caroline and his
reverence the Dean, they’re ready enough to take an advantage, and make
their own use of the Chevaliers’----”
“Do I need to write a note?” said Lottie, interrupting hastily to
prevent the completion of a speech which seemed to threaten the very
foundations of her happiness. “Perhaps it would be more polite to write
a note.” She looked at him with a little anxiety, for the thought
passed through her mind that she had no pretty paper like this, with a
pretty monogram and “The Deanery, St. Michael’s,” printed on its creamy
glaze, and even that she did not write a pretty hand that would do her
credit; and, going further, that she would not know how to begin,
whether she should be familiar, and venture upon saying, “Dear Lady
Caroline,” which seemed rather presumptuous, calling an old lady by her
Christian name--or----
“I need not trouble you to write. I am sure you mean to say yes, Miss
Despard, which is almost more than I dared hope. Yes is all we want, and
I shall be so happy to carry it----”
“Yes is easy said,” said Mrs. O’Shaughnessy; “a great deal easier than
no. Oh, me dear, I don’t object to your going; not a bit; only I take an
interest in ye, and ye must not make yourself too cheap. Know her
talent, Mr. Ridsdale? sure I can’t say that I do. I know herself, and a
better girl, saving for a bit of temper, don’t exist. But a girl is the
better of a spark of temper, and that’s just what you’ve got, me dear
Lottie. No; I don’t know her talent. She has a voice for singing, that I
know well; for to hear her and Rowley when she’s having her lesson, sure
it’s enough to give a deaf person the ear-ache. But that’s the most that
I know.”
“Then, Miss Despard,” said Rollo, springing to his feet; “if
your--friend is in this condition of doubt, it is impossible she can
ever have heard you; will you not gratify me and convince her by
singing something now? I know it is horrible impertinence on my part, so
recent an acquaintance. But--no, Mrs. O’Shaughnessy, you never can have
heard her. I have some songs here that I know you would sing to
perfection. I deserve to be ordered out of the house for my presumption.
I know it; but----” and he clasped his hands and fixed supplicating eyes
upon Lottie, who, blushing, trembling, frightened, and happy, did not
know how to meet those eyes.
“Sure he’ll be down on his knees next,” cried Mrs. O’Shaughnessy
delighted; “and you wouldn’t have the heart to deny the gentleman when
he begs so pretty. I’ll not say but what I’ve heard her, and heard her
many a time, but maybe the change of the circumstances and the want of
Rowley will make a difference. Come, Lottie, me darling, don’t wait for
pressing, but give us a song, and let us be done with it. If it was a
good song you would sing, and not one of those sacred pieces that make
me feel myself in the Abbey--where we all are, saving your presence,
often enough----”
“I have a song here that will please you, I know,” said Rollo. “We shall
have you crying in two minutes. You don’t know, my dear Mrs.
O’Shaughnessy, what a glorious organ you are talking of.”
“Organ! that’s the Abbey all over; but, praised be Heaven, there’s no
organ here, only an old cracked piano----”
“Oh, indeed,” cried Lottie. “It is not fit to play on, and I don’t think
I can sing at sight; and--I know I can’t play an accompaniment.”
“That shall be my happy office,” he said, looking at her with those eyes
that dazzled Lottie. They were not dazzling by nature, but he put a
great deal of meaning into them, and Lottie, foolish Lottie, innocently
deceived, put a great deal more. Her eyes sank beneath this look. She
could scarcely keep the tears from coming into them, tears of confused
pleasure and wonder and happiness; and she could not refuse him what he
asked. He opened the wretched old piano, worn out and jingling, and out
of tune as it was. And Mrs. O’Shaughnessy put her knees a little more
apart, and threw her bonnet-strings over her shoulders, and spread out
her warm hands in her lap. There was a little good-humoured cynicism in
her face. She did not expect to enjoy the singing, but all her faculties
were moved by the hint, the scent, of a flirtation; and that she was
prepared to enjoy to the full.
CHAPTER X.
THE MINOR CANON.
Mr. Ashford had not said much to Miss Despard on the way home; it was
but crossing the road, a brief progress which left little room for
conversation, and the Signor was better acquainted with her than he was.
Besides, the Minor Canon was not a man who could carry on a conversation
with several people at a time, or open his heart to more listeners than
one. He could sometimes be eloquent with a single interlocutor, but he
was a silent man in society, with very little to say for himself, even
when his companions were of the most congenial kind. He was an
unsuccessful man, and carried in his soul, though without any
bitterness, the burden of his own unsuccess. He was a man of “good
connections,” but none of his connections had done anything for him--and
he had considerable talents, which had done nothing for him. He had got
a scholarship, but no other distinction, at the University. Nobody was
at all clear how this came about. He was not idle, he was not careless,
but he did not succeed; his talents were not those that win success. At
twenty he published a little volume of poetry, which was “full of
promise.” At thirty he brought out a learned treatise on some matter of
classical erudition, which, as it is too high for us to understand, we
will not venture to name. And nothing came of that; his poems were not
sold, neither was his treatise. His fellow-scholars (for he was a true
scholar, and a ripe and good one) occupied themselves with pulling holes
in his coat, writing whole pages to show that he had taken a wrong view
of a special passage. And there was something worse than this that he
had done. He had put a wrong accent upon a Greek word! We tremble to
mention such a crime, but it cannot be slurred over, for it was one of
the heaviest troubles in Mr. Ashford’s life. Whether it was his fault or
the printer’s fault will never be known till the day of judgment, and
perhaps not even then: for it seems more than likely that a mistake in
an accent, or even the absence of the accent altogether, will not affect
the reckoning at that decisive moment; but this was what had been done.
Not once--which might have been an accident, or carelessness in
correcting the press, such a misfortune as might occur to any man--but a
dozen times, if not more, had this crime been perpetrated. It disfigured
at least the half of his book. It was a mistake which no properly
conducted fourth-form boy would have been guilty of. So everybody
said;--and it crushed the unlucky man. Even now, five years after, that
incorrect accent coloured his life. He went in mourning for it all his
days. He could not forget it himself, even if other people might have
been willing to forget it. It seemed to justify and explain all the
failures in his career. Everybody had wondered why he did not get a
fellowship after he had taken his degree, but this explained everything.
A man capable of making such a mistake! The buzz that arose in the
University never died out of his ears. Robuster persons might laugh, but
Ernest Ashford never got over it. It weighed him down for the rest of
his days.
Nor was he a man to thrive much in his profession. He tried a curacy or
two, but he was neither High Church enough for the High, nor Low Church
enough for the Low. And he could not get on with the poor, his rectors
said. Their misery appalled his gentle soul. He emptied his poor pockets
in the first wretched house he went into, and retreated to his lodgings
after he had done so, with a heart all aching and bleeding, and crying
out against the pain he saw. He was not of the fibre which can take
other people’s sufferings placidly, though he had a fine nerve in
bearing his own. This, no doubt, was weakness in him; and in all
probability he got imposed upon on every side; but the fact was he could
not support the wretchedness of others, and when he had given them every
six-pence he had, and had entreated them to be comforted, he fled from
them with anguish in his heart. He could not eat or drink for weeks
after for thinking that there were people in the world near at hand who
had little or nothing on their board. He suffered more from this than
his fellow-curate did from neuralgia, or his rector from biliousness,
and he did what neither of these martyrs felt themselves compelled to
do--he fled from the trouble he could not cope with. They quoted
Scripture to him, and proved, from the text “The poor ye have always
with you,” that nothing better was to be expected. But he answered with
a passionate protestation that God could never mean that, and
fled--which, indeed, was not a brave thing to do, and proved the
weakness of his character. Thus the Church found him wanting, as well as
the University. And when at last he settled down into a corner where at
least he could get his living tranquilly, it was not by means of his
talents or education, but because of a quality which was really
accidental, the possession of a beautiful voice. This possession was so
entirely adventitious that he was not even a learned musician, nor had
he given much of his time to this study. But he had one of those voices,
rich and tender and sweet, which go beyond science, which are delicious
even when they are wrong, and please the hearers when they perplex the
choir and drive the conductor out of his senses. Mr. Ashford did not do
this, having an ear almost as delicate as his voice, but both of these
were gifts of nature, and not improved by training to the degree which
the Signor could have wished. He had been persuaded to try for the Minor
Canonry of St. Michael’s almost against his will; for to be a singing
man, even in the highest grade, did not please his fancy. But no one had
been able to stand before him. The Signor had strongly supported another
competitor, a man with twice the science of Mr. Ashford; but even the
Signor had been obliged to confess that his friend’s voice was not to be
compared with that of the successful candidate. And after knocking about
the world for a dozen years without any real place or standing-ground,
Ernest Ashford found himself at thirty-five suited with a life that was
altogether harmonious to his nature, but which he felt half humiliated
to have gained, not by his talents or his learning, or anything that was
any credit to him, but by the mere natural accidental circumstance of
his beautiful voice. He was half-ashamed and humbled to think that all
his education, which had cost so much, went for nothing in comparison
with this chance talent which had cost him nothing, and that all his
hopes and ambitions, which had mounted high, had come to no loftier
result. But as, by fair means or foul, for a good or bad reason, life
had at last found a suitable career for him, where he could be
independent, and do some sort of work, such as it was, he soon became
content. The worst thing about it (he said) was that it could not be
called work at all. To go twice a day and sing beautiful music in one
of the most beautiful churches in the world, would have been the highest
pleasure, if it had not been the business of his life. He had never even
been troubled by religious doubts which might have introduced a
complication, but was of a nature simply devout, and born to go twice a
day to church. When, however, he found himself thus, as it were, exalted
over the common lot, he made an effort to bring himself down to the
level of common mortality by taking pupils, an experiment which
succeeded perfectly, and brought him into hot water so speedily that he
no longer felt himself elevated above the level of mankind.
This was the man whom Lottie had seized the opportunity of making
acquaintance with, and speaking to, that evening at the Deanery. Mr.
Ashford was not badly treated at the Deanery to be only a Minor Canon.
He was often enough asked to dinner when there was not anybody of much
consequence about: the Dean was very willing to have him, for he was a
gentleman, and talked very pleasantly, and could be silent (which he
always was when the company was large) in a very agreeable, gentlemanly
sort of way; not the silence of mere dulness and having nothing to say.
But when there was a large dinner-party, and people of consequence were
there, Lady Caroline would often ask Mr. Ashford to come in the evening,
and he had come to understand (without being offended) that on these
occasions he would probably be asked to sing. He was not offended, but
he was amused, and sometimes, with a little well-bred malice, such as he
had never shown in any other emergency of his life, would have a cold,
and be unable to sing. He had not strength of mind to carry out this
little stratagem when there seemed to be much need of his services, but
now and then he would wind himself up to do it, with much simple
satisfaction in his own cleverness. Mr. Ashford was well treated in the
Cloisters generally. The other Canons, those whom Mrs. O’Shaughnessy
called “the real Canons,” were all more or less attentive to him. He had
nothing to complain of in his lot. He had at this moment two pupils in
hand: one, the son of Canon Uxbridge, whom he was endeavouring to
prepare for the simple ordeal of an army examination; and another, who
was clever, the son of the clergyman in the town, and aspiring to a
university scholarship. In consequence of the unfortunate failure of
that Greek accent it was but few engagements of this more ambitious kind
that Mr. Ashford had; his work was usually confined to the simplicity of
the military tests of knowledge; but the rector of St. Michael’s was a
man who knew what he was about, and naturally, with a sharp young
scholar for ever on his traces, the gentle Minor Canon, conscious of
having once committed an inaccuracy, was kept very much upon his p’s and
q’s.
On the same day on which Rollo Ridsdale wrote for Lady Caroline that
invitation to Lottie, of the terms of which Lady Caroline was so little
aware, the Dean gave a verbal invitation to the same effect to Mr.
Ashford in the vestry. “Will you dine with us to-day, Ashford?” he said.
“My nephew Ridsdale, who is mad about music, and especially about this
girl’s voice who sang last night, has persuaded Lady Caroline to ask her
again. Yourself and the Signor; I believe nobody else is coming.
Ridsdale has got something to do with a new opera company, and he is
wild to find an English prima donna----”
“Is Miss Despard likely to become a professional singer?” said the Minor
Canon in some surprise.
“I am sure I can’t tell--why not? They are poor, I suppose, or they
would not be here; and I don’t see why she shouldn’t sing. Anyhow, Rollo
is most anxious to try. He thinks she has a wonderful voice. He is apt
to think anything wonderful which he himself has anything to do with,
you know.”
“She has a wonderful voice,” said Mr. Ashford, with more decision than
usual.
“But--pardon me if I interrupt,” cried the Signor, who had come in while
they were talking, “no method; no science. She wants training--the most
careful training. The more beautiful a voice is by nature, the more
evident is the want of education in it,” the musician added, with
meaning. He did not look at Mr. Ashford, but the reference was very
unmistakable. The Dean looked at them, and smiled as he took up his
shovel hat.
“I leave you to fight it out, Science against Nature,” he said; “as long
as you don’t forget that you are both expected this evening at the
Deanery--and to sit in judgment as well as to dine.”
“I know what my judgment will be beforehand,” said the Signor; “absolute
want of education--but plenty of material for a good teacher to work
upon.”
“And mine is all the other way,” Mr. Ashford said, with some of the
vehemence of intellectual opposition, besides a natural partisanship. “A
lovely voice, full of nature, and freshness, and expression--which you
will spoil, and render artificial, and like anybody else’s voice, if you
have your way.”
“All excellence is the production of Art,” said the Signor.
“Poeta nascitur,” said the Canon; and though the words are as well known
as any slang, they exercised a certain subduing influence upon the
musician, who was painfully aware that he himself was not educated,
except in a professional way. The two men went out together through the
door into the Great Cloister, from which they passed by an arched
passage to the Minor Cloister, where was Mr. Ashford’s house. Nothing
could be more unlike than the tall, stooping, short-sighted scholar, and
the dark keen Italianism of the Anglicised foreigner--the one man full
of perception, seeing everything within his range at a glance, the
other living in a glimmer of vague impressions, which took form but
slowly in his mind. On the subject of their present discussion, however,
Ashford had taken as distinct a view as the Signor. He had put himself
on Lottie’s side instinctively, with what we have called a natural
partisanship. She was like himself, she sang as the birds sing--and
though his own education, after a few years of St. Michael’s, had so far
progressed musically that he was as well aware of her deficiencies as
the Signor, still he felt himself bound to be her champion.
“I am not sure how far we have any right to discuss a young lady who has
never done anything to provoke animadversion,” he said, with an
old-fashioned scrupulousness, as they threaded the shady passages. “I
think it very unlikely that such a girl would ever consent to sing for
the public.”
“That is what she says,” said the Signor, “but she can’t understand what
she is saying. Sing for the public! I suppose that means to her to
appear before a crowd of people, to be stared at, criticised, brought
down to the level of professional singers. The delight of raising a
crowd to one’self, binding them into mutual sympathy, getting at the
heart underneath the cold English exterior, that is what the foolish
girl never thinks of and cannot understand.”
“Ah!” said the Minor Canon. He was struck by this unexpected poetry in
the Signor, who was not a poetical person. He said, “I don’t think I
thought of that either. I suppose, for my part, I am very old-fashioned.
I don’t like a woman to make an exhibition of herself.”
“Do you suppose a real artist ever makes an exhibition of herself?” said
the musician almost scornfully. “Do you suppose she thinks of herself?
Oh, yes, of course there are varieties. Men will be men and women women;
but anyone who has genius, who is above the common stock! However,” he
added, calming himself down, and giving a curious, alarmed glance at his
companion, to see whether, perhaps, he was being laughed at for his
enthusiasm, “there are other reasons, that you will allow to be solid
reasons, for which I want to get hold of this Miss Despard. You know
Purcell, my assistant, a young fellow of the greatest promise?”
“Purcell? oh, yes; you mean the son of----”
“I mean my pupil,” said the Signor, hurriedly, with a flush of offence.
“I beg your pardon. I did not mean anything unkind. It was only to make
sure whom you meant. I know he is a good musician and everything that is
good.”
“He is a very fine fellow,” said the Signor, still flushed and
self-assertive. “There is nobody of whom I have a higher opinion. He is
a better musician than I am, and full of promise. I expect him to reach
the very top of his profession.”
Mr. Ashford bowed. He had no objection to young Purcell’s success: why
should he be supposed to have any objection to it? but the conversation
had wandered widely away from Miss Despard, in whom he was really
interested, and his attention relaxed in a way which he could not
disguise. This seemed to disturb the Signor still more. He faltered; he
hesitated. At last he said with a sudden burst, “You think this has
nothing to do with the subject we were discussing; but it has. Purcell,
poor fellow! has a--romantic devotion; a passion which I can’t as yet
call anything but unhappy--for Miss Despard.”
“For Miss Despard?”
The Minor Canon turned round at his own door with his key in his hand,
lifting his eyes in wonder. “That is surely rather misplaced,” he said
the next moment, with much more sharpness than was usual to him, opening
the door with a little extra energy and animation. He had no reason
whatever for being annoyed, but he was annoyed, though he could not have
told why.
“How misplaced?” said the Signor, following him up the little oak
staircase, narrow and broken into short flights, which led to the rooms
in which the Minor Canon lived. The landing at the top of the staircase
was as large as any of the rooms to which it led, with that curious
misappropriation of space, but admirable success in picturesque effect,
peculiar to old houses. There was a window in it, with a window-seat,
and such a view as was not to be had out of St. Michael’s, and the walls
were of dark wainscot, with bits of rich old carving here and there. The
Canon’s little library led off from this and had the same view. It was
lighted by three small, deep-set windows set in the outer wall of the
Abbey, and consequently half as thick as the room was large. They were
more like three pictures hung on the dark wall than mere openings for
light, which indeed they supplied but sparingly, the thickness of the
wall casting deep shadows between. And the walls, wherever they were
visible, were dark oak, here and there shining with gleams of
reflection, but making a sombre background, broken only by the russet
colour of old books and the chance ornaments of gilding which
embellished them. Mr. Ashford’s writing-table, covered with books and
papers, stood in front of the centre window. There was room for a
visitor on the inner side, between him and the bookcases on the further
wall, and there was room for somebody in the deep recess of the window
at his left hand; but that was all.
“How misplaced?” the Signor repeated, coming in and taking possession of
the window-seat. “He is not perhaps what you call a gentleman by birth,
but he is a great deal better. You and I know gentlemen by birth
who--but don’t let us talk blasphemy within the Precincts. I am a Tory.
I take my stand upon birth and blood and primogeniture.”
“And laugh at them?”
“Oh, not at all; on the contrary, I think they are very good for the
country; but you and I have known gentlemen by birth--Well! my young
Purcell is not one of these, but sprung from the soil. He is a capital
musician; he is a rising young man. In what is he worse than the
daughter of a commonplace old soldier, a needy, faded gentleman of a
Chevalier?”
“Gently! gently! I cannot permit you to say anything against the
Chevaliers. They are brave men, and men who have served their
country----”
“Better than a good musician serves his?” cried the Signor. “You will
not assert as much. Better than we serve the country, who put a little
tune and time into her, an idea of some thing better than fifes and
drums?”
“My dear Rossinetti,” said Mr. Ashford, with some heat, “England had
music in her before a single maestro had ever come from the South, and
will have after----”
“No tragedy,” said the Signor, with a low laugh, putting up his hand. “I
am not a maestro, nor do I come from the South. I serve my country when
I teach these knavish boys, that would rather be playing in the streets,
to lengthen their snipped vowels. But suppose they do better who
fight--I say nothing against that. I am not speaking of all the
Chevaliers, but of one, and one who is very unlike the rest--the only
person who has anything to do with the argument--a wretched frequenter
of taverns, admirer of milliners’ girls, who is said to be going to
marry some young woman of that class. Why should not Purcell, the best
fellow in the world, be as good as he?”
“I don’t know the father--and it is not the father Purcell has a
romantic devotion for. But don’t you see, Rossinetti, we are allowing
ourselves to discuss the affairs of people we know nothing of, people we
have no right to talk about. In short, we are _gossiping_, which is not
a very appropriate occupation.”
“Oh, there is a great deal of it done by other persons quite as
dignified as we are,” said the Signor, with a smile; but he accepted the
reproof and changed the subject. They sat together and talked, looking
over the great width of the silent country, the trees and the winding
river, the scattered villages, and the illuminated sky. How beautiful it
was! fair enough of itself to make life sweeter to those who had it
before their eyes. But the two men talked and took no notice. They might
have been in a street in London for any difference it made.
When, however, the Signor was gone, Mr. Ashford, having closed the door
upon his visitor, came straying back to the window in which Rossinetti
had been seated, and stood there gazing out vaguely. In all likelihood
he saw nothing at all, for he was short-sighted, as has been said; but
yet it is natural to seek the relief of the window and look out when
there is something within of a confused and vaguely melancholy character
to occupy one’s thoughts. Twenty-four hours before, Mr. Ashford had not
known who Lottie Despard was. He had seen her in the Abbey, and perhaps
had found, without knowing it, that sympathy in her face which
establishes sometimes a kind of tacit friendship long before words. He
thought now that this must have been the case; but he knew very little
about her still--nothing except that she had a beautiful voice, a face
that interested him, and something she wanted to talk to him about. What
was it she wanted to talk to him about? He could not imagine what it
could be, but he recollected very well how pleasant a thing it was when
this beautiful young lady, lifting the long fringes which veiled them,
turned upon him those beautiful blue eyes which (he thought) were
capable of expressing more feeling than eyes of any other colour.
Probably had Lottie’s eyes been brown or grey, Mr. Ashford would have
been of exactly the same opinion. And to think of this creature as the
beloved of Purcell gave him a shock. Purcell! it was not possible. No
doubt he was a respectable fellow, very much to be applauded and
encouraged:--but Mr. Ashford himself had nothing to do with Miss
Despard; he was pleased to think that he should meet her again and hear
her sing again, and he must try, he said to himself, to find an
opportunity to ask her what it was about which she wanted to speak to
him. Otherwise he had no hand, and wanted to have no hand, in this
little conspiracy of which she seemed the unconscious object. On the
contrary, his whole sympathies were with Lottie against the men who
wanted to entrap her and make her a public singer whether she would or
not. He was glad she did not want it herself, and felt a warm sympathy
with her in those natural prejudices against “making an exhibition of
herself” which the Signor scorned so much. The Signor might scorn those
shrinkings and shyness; they were altogether out of his way; he might
not understand them. But Mr. Ashford understood them perfectly. He liked
Lottie for having them, comprehended her, and felt for her. Anything
rather than _that_, he thought, with a little tremulous warmth, as if
she had been his sister. If there should be any discussion on this
subject to-night at the Deanery, and she was in need of support, he
would stand by her. Having made this resolution he went back to his
writing-table and sat down in his usual place, and put this intrusive
business, which did not in the least concern him, out of his mind.
The most intrusive subject! What had he to do with it? And yet it was
not at all easy to get it out of his mind. He had not read three lines
when he felt himself beginning to wonder why Rollo Ridsdale had chosen
Miss Despard as his prima donna above everybody else, and why the Signor
concerned himself so much about it. She had certainly a beautiful voice,
but still voices as beautiful had been heard before. It could not be
supposed that there was no one else equal to her. Why should they make
so determined a set at this girl, who was a lady, and who had not
expressed any wish or intention of being a singer? To be sure, she was
very handsome as well, and her face was full of expression. And Rollo
was a kind of enthusiast when he took anything in his head. Then there
was the other imbroglio with the Signor and Purcell. What was Purcell to
the Signor that he should take up his cause so warmly? But, then, still
more mysterious, what was it all to him, Ernest Ashford, that it should
come between him and the book he was reading? Nothing could be more
absurd. He got up after awhile, and went to the window again, where he
finally settled himself with a volume of Shelley, to which he managed to
fix the thoughts which had been so absurdly disturbed by this stranger,
and this question with which he had nothing to do. It was a very idle
way of spending the afternoon, to recline in a deep window looking out
upon miles of air and distance and read Shelley; but it was better than
getting involved in the mere gossip of St. Michael’s and turning over in
his head against his will the private affairs of people whom he
scarcely knew. This was the disadvantage of living in a small circle
with so few interests, he said to himself. But he got delivered from the
gossip by means of the poetry, and so lay there while the brilliant
sunshine slanted from the west, now sending his thoughts abroad over the
leafy English plain, now feeding his fancy with the poet among the
Euganean hills.
CHAPTER XI.
ANOTHER EVENING AT THE DEANERY.
Mr. Ridsdale had perhaps never touched, and rarely heard, anything so
bad as the old cracked piano which Lottie had inherited from her mother,
and which was of the square form now obsolete, of a kind which brokers
(the only dealers in the article) consider very convenient, as combining
the character of a piano and a sideboard. Very often had Lottie’s piano
served the purpose of a sideboard, but it was too far gone to be
injured--nothing could make it worse. Nevertheless Mr. Ridsdale played
the accompaniments upon it, without a word, to Lottie’s admiration and
wonder, for he seemed to be able to draw forth at his fingers’ ends a
volume of sound which she did not suppose to be within the power of the
old instrument. He had brought several songs with him, being fully
minded to hear her that morning, whatever obstacles might be in the way.
But it so happened that there were no obstacles whatever in the way; and
Mrs. O’Shaughnessy was of the greatest service as audience. With the
true talent of a manager, Mr. Ridsdale addressed himself to the
subjugation of his public. He placed before Lottie the song from
“Marta,” to which, hearing it thus named, Mrs. O’Shaughnessy prepared
herself to listen with a certain amiable scorn. “Ah, we shall have you
crying in five minutes,” he said. “Is it me you’re meaning?” she cried
in high scorn. But the fact was that when the melting notes of “The Last
Rose of Summer” came forth from Lottie’s lips, Mrs. O’Shaughnessy was
altogether taken by surprise, and carried out Rollo’s prophecy to the
letter by weeping abundantly. There was much of Mr. Ridsdale’s music
which Lottie could not sing--indeed, it would have been wonderful if she
had been able to do so, as he had brought with him the finest _morceaux_
of a dozen operas, and Lottie’s musical education had been of the
slightest. But he so praised, and flattered, and encouraged her, that
she went on from song to song at his bidding, making the best attempt at
them that was possible, while Mrs. O’Shaughnessy sat by and listened.
Her presence there was of the utmost consequence to them. It at once
converted Rollo’s visit into something allowable and natural, and it
gave him a pretence for beginning what was really an examination into
Lottie’s powers and compass, at once of voice and of intelligence.
Lottie, innocent of any scheme, or of any motive he could have, save
simple pleasure in her singing, exerted herself to please him with the
same mixture of gratitude and happy prepossession with which she had
thought of him for so long. If she could give a little pleasure to him
who had given her his love and his heart (for what less could it be that
he had given her?), it was her part, she thought, to do so. She felt
that she owed him everything she could do for him, to recompense him for
that gift which he had given her unawares. So she stood by him in a soft
humility, not careful that she was showing her own ignorance, thinking
only of pleasing him. What did it matter, if he were pleased, whether
she attained the highest excellence? She said sweetly, “I know I cannot
do it, but if you wish it I will try,” and attempted feats which in
other circumstances would have appalled her. And the fact was, that thus
forgetting herself, and thinking only of pleasing him, Lottie sang
better than she had ever done in her life, better even than she had done
in the Deanery on the previous night. She committed a thousand faults,
but these faults were as nothing in comparison with the melody of her
voice and the purity of her taste. Rollo became like one inspired. All
the enthusiasm of an amateur, and all the zeal of an enterprising
manager, were in him. The old piano rolled out notes of which in its own
self it was quite incapable under his rapid fingers. He seemed to see
her with all London before her, at her feet, and he (so to speak) at
once the discoverer and the possessor of this new star. No wonder the
old piano grew ecstatic under his touch; he who had gone through so many
vicissitudes, who had made so many failures; at last it seemed evident
to him that his fortune was made. Unfortunately (though that he forgot
for the moment) he had felt his fortune to be made on several occasions
before.
Mrs. O’Shaughnessy gave a great many nods and smiles when at last he
went away. “I say nothing, me dear, but I have my eyesight,” she said,
“and a blind man could see what’s in the wind. So that is how it is,
Lottie, me darling? Well, well! I always said you were the prettiest
girl that had been in the Lodges this many a year. I don’t envy ye, me
love, your rise in the world. And I hope, Lottie, when ye’re me lady,
ye’ll not forget your old friends.”
“How should I ever be my lady?” said Lottie; “indeed, Mrs.
O’Shaughnessy, I don’t know what you mean.”
“No, me honey, the likes of you never do, till the right moment comes,”
said the old lady, going down the narrow stairs. She kissed her hand to
Lottie, who looked after her from the window as she appeared on the
pavement outside, and, with her bonnet-strings flying loose, turned in
at her own door. Her face was covered with smiles and her mind full of a
new interest. She could not refrain from going into the Major’s little
den, and telling him. “Nonsense!” the Major said, incredulously; “one of
your mare’s-nests.” “Sure it was a great deal better than a mare, it was
turtle-doves made the nest I’m thinking of,” said Mrs. O’Shaughnessy;
and she took off her bonnet and seated herself at her window, from which
she inspected the world with a new warmth of interest, determined not to
lose a single incident in this new fairy tale.
Law came out of his room, where he had been “reading,” when Mrs.
O’Shaughnessy went away. “What has all this shrieking been about,” said
Law, “and thumping on that old beast of a piano? You are always at a
fellow about reading, and when he does read you disturb him with your
noise. How do you think I could get on with all that miauling going on?
Who has been here?”
“Mr. Ridsdale has been here,” said Lottie demurely. “He brought me a
note from Lady Caroline, and I am going again to the Deanery to-night.”
Law whistled a long whew--ew! “Again, to-night! she’d better ask you to
go and live there,” said the astounded boy; and he said no more about
his interrupted reading, but put his big book philosophically away; for
who could begin to read again after all the disturbances of the morning,
and after such a piece of news as this?
Lottie dressed herself with more care than ever that evening. She began
to wish for ornaments, and to realise how few her decorations were; the
little pearl locket was so small, and her arms seemed so bare without
any bracelets. However, she made herself little bands of black velvet,
and got the maid to fasten them on. She had never cared much for
ornaments before. And she spent a much longer time than usual over the
arrangement of her hair. Above all she wanted to look like a lady, to
show that, though their choice of her was above what could have been
expected, it was not above the level of what she was used to. _Their_
choice of her--that was how it seemed to Lottie. The young lover had
chosen, as it is fit the lover should do; but Lady Caroline had ratified
his selection, and Lottie, proud yet entirely humble in the tender
humility born of gratitude, wanted to show that she could do credit to
their choice. She read the note which purported to be Lady Caroline’s
over and over again; how kind it was! Lady Caroline’s manner perhaps was
not quite so kind. People could not control their manner. The kindest
heart was often belied, Lottie was aware, by a stiffness, an
awkwardness, perhaps only a shyness, which disguised their best
intentions. But the very idea of asking her was kind, and the letter was
so kind that she made up her mind never again to mistake Lady Caroline.
She had a difficulty in expressing herself, no doubt. She was indolent
perhaps. At her age and in her position it was not wonderful if one got
indolent; but in her heart she was kind. This Lottie repeated to herself
as she put the roses in her hair. In her heart Lady Caroline was kind;
the girl felt sure that she could never mistake her, never be
disappointed in her again. And in this spirit she tripped across the
Dean’s Walk, Mrs. O’Shaughnessy watching from her window. It was almost
dark, but it was not one of the Signer’s nights for practice, and only a
few of the inhabitants of the Abbey Precincts were enjoying the air on
the Terrace pavement. They all saw her as she came out in the twilight
with her uncovered head. Law had gone out, and there was nobody to go
with her this time to the Deanery door. But Lottie had no difficulty in
finding an escort: as she came out, looking round her shyly to watch for
a quiet moment when no one was about, Captain Temple came forward, who
lived two doors off, and was passing as she came to the little garden
gate. He was the preux chevalier of all the Chevaliers. He came forward
with a fatherly smile upon his kind face. “You are looking for some one
to go with you,” he said; “your father has gone out. I saw him. Let me
take his place.”
“Oh, thanks! I am going to the Deanery. I thought Law would have waited
for me.”
“Law, like others of his age, has his own concerns to think of,” said
Captain Temple, “but I am used to this kind of work. You have heard of
my girl, Miss Despard?”
“Yes, Captain Temple----.” Lottie, touched suddenly in the sympathetic
sentiment of her own beginning life, looked up at him with wistful eyes.
“She was a pretty creature, like yourself, my dear. My wife and I often
talk of you, and think you like her. She was lost to us before she went
out of the world, and I think it broke her heart--as well as ours. Take
care of the damp grass with your little white shoes.”
“Oh, Captain Temple, do not come with me,” said Lottie, with tears in
her eyes. “I can go very well alone. It is too hard upon you.”
“No--I like it, my dear. My wife cannot talk of it, but I like to talk
of it. You must take care not to marry anyone that will carry you quite
away from your father’s house.”
“As if that would matter! as if papa would care!” Lottie said in her
heart, with a half pity, half envy, of Captain Temple’s lost daughter;
but this was but a superficial feeling in comparison with the great
compassion she had for him. The old Chevalier took her across the road
as tenderly and carefully as if even her little white shoes were worth
caring for. There was a moist brightness about his eyes as he looked at
her pretty figure. “The roses are just what you ought to wear,” he said.
“And whenever you want anyone to take care of you in this way, send for
me; I shall like to do it. Shall I come back for you in case your father
should be late?”
“Oh, Captain Temple, papa never minds! but it is quite easy to get
back,” she said, thinking that perhaps this time _he_----
“I think it is always best that a young lady should have her own
attendant, and not depend on anyone to see her home,” said the old
Captain. And he rang the bell at the Deanery door, and took off his hat,
with a smile which almost made Lottie forget Lady Caroline. She went
into the drawing-room accordingly much less timidly than she had ever
done before, and no longer felt any fear of Mr. Jeremie, who admitted
her, though he was a much more imposing person than Captain Temple. This
shade of another life which had come over her seemed to protect Lottie,
and strengthen her mind. The drawing-room was vaguely lighted with
clusters of candles here and there, and at first she saw nobody, nor was
there any indication held out to her that the mistress of the house was
in the room, except the solemn tone of Jeremie’s voice announcing her.
Lottie thought Lady Caroline had not come in from the dining-room, and
strayed about looking at the books and ornaments on the tables. She even
began to hum an air quietly to herself, by way of keeping up her own
courage, and it was not till she had almost taken her seat unawares on
Lady Caroline’s dress, extended on the sofa, that she became aware that
she was not alone. “Oh, I beg your pardon,” she cried out in a sudden
panic. “I thought there was no one in the room.” Lady Caroline made no
remark at all, except to say “How do you do, Miss Despard?” That was
what she had made up her mind to say, feeling it to be quite enough for
the occasion--and Lady Caroline did not easily change her mind when it
was once made up. She thought it very impertinent of the girl to come in
and look at the photographs on the tables, and even to take the liberty
of singing, but there was no calculating what these sort of people might
do. She had nearly sat down on Lady Caroline’s feet! “This is what I put
up with for Rollo,” the poor lady said to herself; and it seemed to her
that a great deal of gratitude from Rollo was certainly her due. She did
not move, nor did she ask Miss Despard to sit down; but Lottie, half in
fright, dropped into a chair very near the strange piece of still life
on the sofa. The girl had been very much frightened to see her, and for
a moment was speechless with the horror of it. Nearly to sit down upon
Lady Caroline! and a moment of silence ensued. Lady Caroline did not
feel in the least inclined to begin a conversation. She had permitted
the young woman to be invited, and she had said “How do you do, Miss
Despard?” and she did not know what more could be expected from her. So
they sat close together in the large, half-visible, dimly-illuminated
room, with the large window open to the night, and said nothing to each
other. Lottie, who was the visitor, was embarrassed, but Lady Caroline
was not embarrassed. She felt no more need to speak than did the table
with the photographs upon it which Lottie had stopped to look at. As for
Lottie, she bore it as long as she could, the stillness of the room,
the flicker of the candles, the dash and fall of a moth now and then
flying across the lights, and the immovable figure on the sofa with its
feet tucked up, and floods of beautiful rich silk enveloping them. A
strange sense that Lady Caroline was not living at all, that it was only
the picture of a woman that was laid out on the sofa came over her. In
her nervousness she began to tremble, then felt inclined to laugh. At
last it became evident to Lottie that to speak was a necessity, to break
the spell which might otherwise stupefy her senses too.
“It is a beautiful night,” was all she managed to say; could anything be
more feeble? but Lady Caroline gave no reply. She made the usual little
movement of her eyelids, which meant an assent; indeed it was not a
remark which required reply. And the silence fell on them again as bad
as ever. The night air blew in, the moths whirled about the candles,
dashed against the globe of the lamp, dropped on the floor with fatal
infinitesimal booms of tragic downfall; and Lady Caroline lay on the
sofa, with eyes directed to vacancy, looking at nothing. Lottie, with
the roses in her hair, and so much life tingling in her, could not
endure it. She wanted to go and shake the vision on the sofa, she wanted
to cry out and make some noise or other to save herself from the spell.
At last, when she could keep silence no longer, she jumped up, throwing
over a small screen which stood near in her vehemence of action. “Shall
I sing you something, Lady Caroline?” she said.
Lady Caroline was startled by the fall of the screen. She watched till
it was picked up, actually looking at Lottie, which was some advance;
then she said, “If you please, Miss Despard,” in her calm tones. And
Lottie, half out of herself, made a dash at the grand piano, though she
knew she could not play. She struck a chord or two, trembling all over,
and began to sing. This time she did not feel the neglect or unkindness
of the way in which she was treated. It was a totally different
sensation. A touch of panic, a touch of amusement was in it. She was
afraid that she might be petrified too if she did nothing to break the
spell. But as she began to sing, with a quaver in her voice, and a
little shiver of nervous chilliness in her person, the door opened, and
voices, half discerned figures of men, life and movement, came pouring
in. Lottie came to an abrupt stop in the middle of a bar.
“This will never do,” said the suave Dean: “you make too much noise,
Rollo. You have frightened Miss Despard in the middle of her song.”
Then Rollo came forward into the light spot round the piano, looking
very pale; he was a good deal more frightened than Lottie was. Could it
be possible that she had made a false note? He was in an agony of
horror and alarm. “I--make a noise!” he said; “my dear uncle!” He looked
at her with appealing eyes full of anguish. “You were not--singing, Miss
Despard? I am sure you were not singing, only trying the piano.”
“I thought it would perhaps--amuse Lady Caroline.” Lottie did not know
what she had done that was wrong. The Signor wore an air of trouble too.
Only Mr. Ashford’s face, looking at her, as one followed another into
the light, reassured her. She turned to him with a little anxiety. “I
cannot play; it is quite true; perhaps I ought not to have touched the
piano,” she said.
“You were startled,” said the Minor Canon, kindly. “Your voice fluttered
like those candles in the draught.” The others still looked terribly
serious, and did not speak.
“And I sang false,” said Lottie; “I heard myself. It was terrible; but I
thought I was stiffening into stone,” she said, in an undertone, and she
gave an alarmed look at Lady Caroline on the sofa. This restored the
spirits of the others spectators, who looked at each other relieved.
“Thank Heaven, she knew it,” Rollo whispered to the Signor; “it was
fright, pure fright--and my aunt----”
“What else did you suppose it was?” answered in the same tone, but with
some scorn, the Signor.
“Miss Despard, don’t think you are to be permitted to accompany
yourself,” said Rollo. “Here are two of us waiting your pleasure.
Signor, I will not pretend to interfere when you are there. May we have
again that song you were so good----?”
“Ah, pardon me,” he cried coming close to her to get the music. “I do
not want to lose a minute. I have been on thorns this half-hour. I ought
to have been here waiting ready to receive you, as you ought to be
received.”
“Oh, it did not matter,” said Lottie, confused. “I am sorry I cannot
play. I wanted--to try--to amuse Lady Caroline.”
By this time the Signor had arranged the music on the piano and began to
play. The Dean had gone off to the other end of the room, where the
evening paper, the last edition, had been laid awaiting him on a little
table on which stood a reading-lamp. The green shade of the lamp
concentrated the light upon the paper, and the white hands of the
reader, and his long limbs and his little table, making a new picture in
the large dim room. On the opposite side sat Lady Caroline, who had
withdrawn her feet hastily from the sofa, and sat bolt upright as a
tribute to the presence of “the gentlemen.” These two pieces of still
life appeared to Lottie vaguely through the partial gloom. The master
and mistress of the house were paying no attention to the visitors.
Such visitors as these were not of sufficient importance to be company,
or to disturb their entertainers in the usual habits of their evening.
Lady Caroline, indeed, seldom allowed herself to be disturbed by anyone.
She put down her feet for the sake of her own dignity, but she did not
feel called upon to make any further sacrifice. And as for Lottie, she
was not happy among these three men. She shrank from Rollo, who was
eyeing her with an anxiety which she could not understand, and longed
for Mrs. O’Shaughnessy, or, indeed, any woman to stand by her. Her heart
sank, and she shivered again with that chill which is of the nerves and
fancy. The Dean with his rustling paper, and Lady Caroline with her
vacant eyes, were at the other end of the room, and Lottie felt
isolated, separated, cast upon the tender mercies of the three
connoisseurs, a girl with no woman near to stand by her. It seemed to
her for the moment as if she must sink into the floor altogether, or
else turn and fly.
It was Mr. Ashford again who came to Lottie’s aid. “Play something else
first,” he said softly to the Signor, disregarding the anxious looks of
Rollo, who had placed himself on a chair at a little distance, so that
he might be able to see the singer and stop any false note that might be
coming before it appeared. The others were both kind and clever, kinder
than the man whom Lottie thought her lover, and whose anxiety for the
moment took all thought from him, and more clever too. The Signor began
to play Handel, the serious noble music with which Lottie had grown
familiar in the Abbey, and soon Mr. Ashford stepped in and sang in his
beautiful melodious voice. Then the strain changed, preluding a song
which the most angelic of the choristers had sung that morning. The
Minor Canon put the music into Lottie’s hands. “Begin here,” he
whispered. She knew it by ear and by heart, and the paper trembled in
her hands; but they made her forget herself, and she began, her voice
thrilling and trembling, awe and wonder taking possession of her. She
had heard it often, but she had never realised what it was till, all
human, womanish, shivering with excitement and emotion, she began to
sing. It did not seem her own doing at all. The dim drawing-room, with
the Dean reading the paper, the men in their evening coats, the
glimmering reflection of herself which she caught in the long mirror, in
her simple decorations, the roses trembling in her hair, all seemed
horribly inappropriate, almost profane, to Lottie. And the music shook
in her hands, and the notes, instead of remaining steadily before her
eyes, where she could read them, took wings to themselves and floated
about, now here, now there, sometimes gleaming upon her, sometimes
eluding her. Yet she sang, she could not tell how, forgetting
everything, though she saw and felt everything, in a passion, in an
inspiration, penetrated through and through by the music and the poetry,
and the sacredness, above her and all of them. “I know that my Redeemer
liveth.” Oh, how did she dare to sing it, how could those commonplace
walls enclose it, those men stand and listen as if it was _her_ they
were listening to? By and by the Dean laid down his paper. Rollo, in the
background, gazing on her at first in pale anxiety, then with vexed
disapproval (for what did he want with Handel?), came nearer and nearer,
his face catching some reflection of hers as she went on. And when
Lottie ended, in a rapture she could not explain or understand, they all
came pressing round her, dim and blurred figures in her confused eyes.
But the girl was too greatly strained to bear their approach or hear
what they said. She broke away from them, and rushed, scarcely knowing
what she did, to Lady Caroline’s side. Lady Caroline herself was roused.
She made room for the trembling creature, and Lottie threw herself into
the corner of the capacious sofa and covered her face with her hands.
But when she came to herself she would not sing any more. A mixture of
guilt and exultation was in her mind. “I ought not to have sung it. I am
not good enough to sing it. I never thought what it meant till now,” she
said trembling. “Oh, I hope you will forgive me. I never knew what it
meant before.”
“Forgive you!” said the Dean. “We don’t know how to thank you, Miss
Despard.” He was the person who ought to know what it meant if anybody
did. And when he had thus spoken he went back to his paper, a trifle
displeased by the fuss she made; as if _she_ could have any new
revelation of the meaning of a thing which, if not absolutely written
for St. Michael’s, as good as belonged to the choir, which belonged to
the Dean and Chapter! There was a certain presumption involved in
Lottie’s humility. He went back to his reading-lamp, and finished the
article which had been interrupted by her really beautiful rendering of
a very fine solo. It was really beautiful; he would not for a moment
deny that. But if Miss Despard turned out to be excitable, and gave
herself airs, like a real prima donna! Heaven be praised, the little
chorister boys never had any nerves, but sang whatever was set before
them, without thinking what was meant, the Dean said to himself. And it
would be difficult to describe Rollo Ridsdale’s disappointment. He sat
down in a low chair by the side of the sofa, and talked to her in a
whisper. “I understand you,” he said; “it is like coming down from the
heaven of heavens, where you have carried us. But the other spheres are
celestial too. Miss Despard, I shall drop down into sheer earth
to-morrow. I am going away. I shall lose the happiness of hearing you
altogether. Will you not have pity upon me, and lead me a little way
into the earthly paradise?” But even these prayers did not move Lottie.
She was too much shaken and disturbed out of the unconscious calm of her
being for anything more.
CHAPTER XII.
BROTHER AND SISTER.
Lottie ran out while Rollo Ridsdale was getting his hat to accompany her
home. She caught up her shawl over her arm without pausing to put it on,
and ran through the dark Cloister and across the Dean’s Walk to her own
door, before he knew she was ready. “The young--lady is gone, sir,” Mr.
Jeremie said, who was rather indignant at having to open the door to
such sort of people. He would have said young woman had he dared. Rollo,
much piqued already in that she had refused to sing for him further, and
half irritated, half attracted by this escapade now, hurried after her;
but when he emerged from the gloom of the Cloister to the fresh dewy air
of the night, and the breadth of the Dean’s Walk, lying half visible in
summer darkness in the soft indistinct radiance of the stars, there was
no one visible, far or near. She had already gone in before he came in
sight of the door. He looked up and down the silent way, on which not a
creature was visible, and listened to the sound of the door closing
behind her. The flight and the sound awoke a new sentiment in his mind.
Ladies were not apt to avoid Rollo.
Not his the form nor his the eye
That youthful maidens wont to fly.
He was piqued and he was roused. Heretofore, honestly, there had been
little but music in his thoughts. The girl was very handsome, which was
so much the better--very much the better, for his purpose; but this
sparkle of resistance in her roused something else in his mind. Lottie
had been like an inspired creature as she sang, this evening. He had
never seen on the stage or elsewhere so wonderful an exhibition of
absorbed impassioned feeling. If he could secure her for his prima
donna, nowhere would such a prima donna be seen. It was not that she had
thrown herself into the music, but that the music had possessed her, and
transported her out of herself. This was not a common human creature.
She was no longer merely handsome, but beautiful in the fervour of her
feeling. And for the first time Lottie as Lottie, not merely as a
singer, touched a well-worn but still sensitive chord in his breast. He
stood looking at the door, which still seemed to echo in the stillness
with the jar of closing. What did her flight mean? He was provoked,
tantalised, stimulated. Whatever happened, he must see more of this
girl. Why should she fly from him? He did not choose to return and tell
the story of her flight, which was such an incident as always makes the
man who is baulked present a more or less ridiculous aspect to the
spectators; but he stood outside and waited till the steps of the Minor
Canon and the Signor had become audible turning each towards their
habitation, and even the turning of Mr. Ashford’s latchkey in his door.
Everything was very still in the evening at St. Michael’s. The
respectable and solemn Canons in their great houses, and the old
Chevaliers in their little lodges, went early to bed. Rollo saw no light
anywhere except a dim glow in the window of the little drawing-room
where he had spent the morning, and where no doubt the fugitive was
seated breathless. His curiosity was raised, and his interest,
supplanting that professional eagerness about her voice which he had
expressed so largely. Why did she run away from him? Why did she refuse
to sing for him? These questions suddenly sprang into his mind, and
demanded, if not reply, yet a great deal of consideration. He could not
make up his mind what the cause could be.
As for Lottie, she could not have given any reasonable answer to these
questions, though she was the only living creature who could know why
she ran away. As a matter of fact, she did not know. The music had been
more than she could bear in the state of excitement in which she was.
Excited about things she would have been ashamed to confess any special
interest in--about her relations with the Deanery, about Lady Caroline,
and, above all, about Rollo--the wonderful strain to which she had all
unconsciously and unthinkingly, at first, given utterance, had caught
at Lottie like a hand from heaven. She had been drawn upward into the
fervour of religious ecstasy, she who was so ignorant; and when she
dropped again to earth, and was conscious once more of Rollo and of Lady
Caroline, there had come upon her a sudden sense of shame and of her own
pettiness and inability to disentangle herself from the links that drew
her to earth which was as passionate as the sudden fervour. How dare she
sing _that_ one moment, and the next be caught down to vulgar life, to
Lady Caroline and Rollo Ridsdale? Lottie would sing no more, and could
not speak, so strong was the conflict within her. She could not even
encounter the momentary _tête-à-tête_ which before she had almost wished
for. She was roused and stirred in all her being as she had never been
before, able to encounter death or grief, she thought vaguely, or
anything that was solemn and grand, but not ordinary talk, not
compliments, not the little tender devices of courtship. She flew from
the possible touch of sentiment, the half-mock, half-real flatteries
that he would be ready to say to her. Love real, and great, and solemn,
the Love of which the Italian poet speaks as twin sister of Death, was
what Lottie’s mind was prepared for; but from anything lower she fled,
with the instinct of a nature highly strained and unaccustomed to though
capable of, passion. Everything was seething in her mind, her heart
beating, the blood coursing through her veins. She felt that she could
not bear the inevitable downfall of ordinary talk. She ran out into the
soft coolness of the night, the great quiet and calm of the sleeping
place, a fugitive driven by this new wind of strange emotion. The shadow
of the Abbey was grateful to her, lying dimly half-way across the broad
silent road--and the dim lamp in her own window seemed to point out a
refuge from her thoughts. She rushed across the empty road, like a ghost
flitting, white and noiseless, and swift as an arrow, from the gate of
the Cloister, wondering whether the maid would hear her knock at once,
or if she would have to wait there at the door till Mr. Ridsdale
appeared. But the door was opened at her first touch, to Lottie’s great
surprise, by Law, who seemed to have been watching for her arrival. He
wore a very discontented aspect, but this Lottie did not at first see,
in her grateful sense of safety.
“How early you are!” he said. “I did not expect you for an hour yet. It
was scarcely worth while going out at all, if you were to come back so
soon.”
Lottie made no reply. She went upstairs to the little drawing-room,
where the lamp had been screwed as low as possible to keep alight for
her when she should return. The room was still more dim than Lady
Caroline’s, and looked so small and insignificant in comparison. On the
table was a tray with some bread and butter and a cup of milk, which was
Lottie’s simple supper after her dissipation; for Lady Caroline’s cup of
tea was scarcely enough for a girl who had eaten a not too luxurious
dinner at two o’clock. She had no mind, however, for her supper now; but
sat down on the little sofa and covered her eyes with her hand, and went
back into her thoughts, half to prolong the excitement into which she
had plunged, half to still herself and get rid of this sudden transport.
It would be difficult to say which she wished most; to calm herself down
or to continue that state of exaltation which proved to her new
capabilities in her own being. She thought it was the former desire that
moved her, and that to be quiet was all she wanted; but yet that strong
tide running in her veins, that hot beating of her heart, that expansion
and elevation of everything in her, was full of an incomprehensible
agony of sweetness and exquisite sensation. She did not know what it
was. She covered her eyes to shut out the immediate scene around her.
The little shabby room, the bread and butter, and Law’s slouching figure
manipulating the lamp--these, at least, were accessories which she had
no desire to see.
“Bother the thing!” said Law, “I can’t get it to burn. Here, Lottie! you
can manage them. Oh! if you like to sit in the dark, I don’t mind. Were
your fine people disagreeable? I always told you they wanted nothing
but that you should sing for them and amuse them. They don’t care a rap
for _you_!”
Lottie took no notice of this speech. She withdrew her hand from her
face, but still kept her eyes half-closed, unwilling to be roused out of
her dream.
“They’re all as selfish as old bears,” said Law; “most people are, for
that matter. They never think of you; you’ve got to look after yourself;
it’s their own pleasure they’re thinking of. What can you expect from
strangers when a man that pretends to be one’s own father----?”
“What are you talking about?” asked Lottie, slowly waking, with a
feeling of disgust and impatience, out of her finer fancies. She could
not keep some shade of scorn and annoyance from her face.
“You needn’t put on those supercilious looks; you’ll suffer as much from
it as I shall, or perhaps more, for a man can always do for himself,”
said Law; “but you--you’ll find the difference. Lottie,” he continued,
forgetting resentment in this common evil, and sinking his voice, “he’s
down there at the old place again.”
“What old place?”
As soon as his complaining voice became familiar, Lottie closed her eyes
again, longing to resume her own thoughts.
“Oh! the old place. Why, down there; you know--the place where---- I
say!” cried Law, suddenly growing red, and perceiving the betrayal of
himself as well as of his father which was imminent. “Never mind where
it is; it’s where that sharp one, Polly Featherstone, works.”
Lottie was completely awakened now; she looked up, half-bewildered, from
the dispersing mists. “Of whom are you talking?” she cried. “Law, what
people have you got among--who are they? You frighten me! Who is it you
are talking of?”
“There’s no harm in them,” cried Law, colouring more and more. “What do
you mean? Do you think they’re---- I don’t know what you mean; they’re
as good as we are,” he added sullenly, walking away with his hands in
his pockets out of the revelations of the lamp. Dim and low as it was,
it disclosed, he was aware, an uncomfortable glow of colour on his face.
“I don’t know who _they_ may be,” said Lottie, severe, yet blushing too;
“I don’t want to know! But, oh, Law! you that are so young, my only
brother, why should you know people I couldn’t know? Why should you be
ashamed of anyone you go to see?”
“I was not talking of people _I_ go to see; I wish you wouldn’t be so
absurd; I’m talking of the governor,” said Law, speaking very fast;
“he’s there, I tell you, a man of his time of life, sitting among a lot
of girls, talking away fifteen to the dozen. He might find some other
way of meeting her if he must meet her!” cried Law, his own grievance
breaking out in spite of him. “What has he got to do there among a pack
of girls? it’s disgraceful at his age!”
Law was very sore, angry, and disappointed. He had gone to his usual
resort in the evening, and had seen his father there before him, and had
been obliged to retire discomfited, with a jibe from Emma to intensify
his trouble. “The Captain’s twice the man you are!” the little
dressmaker had said; “he ain’t afraid of nobody.” Poor Law had gone away
after this, and strolled despondently along the river-side. He did not
know what to do with himself. Lottie was at the Deanery; he was shut out
of his usual refuge, and he had nowhere to go. Though he had no money,
he jumped into a boat and rowed himself dismally about the river,
dropping down below the bridge to where he could see the lighted windows
of the workroom. There he lingered about, nobody seeing or taking any
notice of him. When he approached the bank, he could even hear the sound
of their voices, the laughter with which they received the Captain’s
witticisms. A little wit went a long way in that complaisant circle. He
could make out Captain Despard’s shadow against the window, never still
for a moment, moving up and down, amusing the girls with songs, jokes,
pieces of buffoonery. Law despised these devices; but, oh! how he envied
the skill of the actor. He hung about the river in his boat till it got
quite dark, almost run into sometimes by other boats, indifferent to
everything but this lighted interior, which he could see, though nobody
in it could see him. And when he was tired of this forlorn amusement he
came home, finding the house very empty and desolate. He tried to work,
but how was it possible to work under the sting of such a recollection?
The only thing he could do was to wait for Lottie, to pour forth his
complaint to her, to hope that she might perhaps find some remedy for
this intolerable wrong. It did not occur to him that to betray his
father was also to betray himself, and that Lottie might feel as little
sympathy for him as he did for Captain Despard. This fact flashed upon
him now when it was too late.
Lottie had not risen from her seat, but as she sat there, everything
round seemed to waver about her, then settle down again in a sudden
revelation of mean, and small, and paltry life, such as she had scarcely
ever realised before. Not only the lofty heaven into which the music had
carried her rolled away like a scroll, but the other world, which was
beautiful also of its kind, from which she had fled, which had seemed
too poor to remain in, after the preceding ecstasy, departed as with a
glimmer of wings; and she found herself awaking in a life where
everything was squalid and poor, where she alone, with despairing
efforts, tried to prop up the house that it might not fall into
dishonoured dust. She had borne with a kind of contemptuous equanimity
Law’s first story about her father. Let him marry again! she had said;
if he could secure the thing he called his happiness in such a way, let
him do it. The idea had filled her with a high scorn. She had not
thought of herself nor of the effect it might have upon her, but had
risen superior to it with lofty contempt, and put it from her mind. But
this was different. With all her high notions of gentility, and all her
longings after a more splendid sphere, this sudden revelation of a
sphere meaner, lower still, struck Lottie with a sudden pang. A pack of
girls! what kind of girls could those be of whom Law spoke? Her blood
rushed to her face scorching her with shame. She who scorned the
Chevaliers and their belongings! She who had “kept her distance” from
her own class, was it possible that she was to be dragged down lower,
lower, to shame itself? Her voice was choked in her throat. She did not
feel able to speak. She could only cry out to him, clasping her hands,
“Don’t tell me any more--oh, don’t tell me any more----”
“Hillo!” said the lad, “what is the matter with you? Don’t tell you any
more? You will soon know a great deal more if you don’t do something to
put a stop to it. There ought to be a law against it. A man’s children
ought to be able to put a stop to it. I told you before, Lottie, if you
don’t exert yourself and do something----”
“Oh,” she said, rising to her feet, “what can I do? Can I put honour
into you, and goodness, and make you what I want you to be? Oh, if I
could, Law! I would give you my blood out of my veins if I could. But I
can’t put me into you,” she said, wringing her hands--“and you expect me
to listen to stories--about people I ought not to hear of--about
women--Oh, Law, Law, how dare you speak so to me?”
“Hold hard!” said Law, “you don’t know what you are speaking of. The
girls are as good girls as you are--” his own cheeks flushed with
indignant shame as he spoke. “You are just like what they say of women.
You are always thinking of something bad. What are you after all, Lottie
Despard? A poor shabby Captain’s daughter! You make your own gowns and
they make other people’s. I don’t see such a dreadful difference in
that.”
Lottie was overpowered by all the different sensations that succeeded
each other in her. She felt herself swept by what felt like repeated
waves of trouble--shame to hear of these people among whom both her
father and brother found their pleasure, shame to have thought more
badly of them than they deserved, shame to have betrayed to Law her
knowledge that there were women existing of whom to speak was a shame.
She sank down upon the sofa again trembling and agitated, relieved yet
not relieved. “Law,” she said faintly, “we are poor enough ourselves, I
know. But even if we don’t do much credit to our birth, is it not
dreadful to be content with that, to go down lower, to make ourselves
nothing at all?”
“It is not my fault,” said Law, a little moved, “nor yours neither. I am
very sorry for you, Lottie; for you’ve got such a high mind--it will go
hardest with you. As for me, I’ve got no dignity to stand on, and if he
drives me to it, I shall simply ’list--that’s what I shall do.”
“’List!” Lottie gazed at him pathetically. She was no longer angry, as
she had been when he spoke of this before. “You are out of your senses,
Law! You, a _gentleman_!”
“A gentleman!” he said bitterly, “much good it does me. It might,
perhaps, be of some use if we were rich, if we belonged to some great
family which nobody could mistake; but the kind of gentlefolks we
are!--nobody knowing anything about us, except through what _he_ pleases
to do and say. I tell you, if the worst comes to the worst, I will go
straight off to the first sergeant I see, and take the shilling. In the
Guards there’s many a better gentleman than I am, and I’m tall enough
for the Guards,” he said, looking down with a little complacence on his
own long limbs. The look struck Lottie with a thrill of terror and pain.
There were soldiers enough about St. Michael’s to make her keenly and
instantly aware how perfectly their life, as it appeared to her, would
chime in with Law’s habits. They seemed to Lottie to be always lounging
about the streets stretching their long limbs, expanding their broad
chests in the sight of all the serving maidens, visible in their red
coats wherever the idle congregated, wherever there was any commotion
going on. She perceived in a moment, as by a flash of lightning, that
nothing could be more congenial to Law. What work might lie behind, what
difficulties of subordination, tyrannies of hours and places,
distasteful occupations--Lottie knew nothing about. She saw in her
brother’s complacent glance, a something of kin to the swagger of the
tall fellows in their red jackets, spreading themselves out before
admiring nursemaids. Law would do that too. She could not persuade
herself that there was anything in him above the swagger, superior to
the admiration of the maids. A keen sense of humiliation, and the sharp
impatience of a proud spirit, unable to inspire those most near to it
with anything of its own pride and energy, came into her mind. “You do
not mind being a gentleman--you do not care,” she cried. “Oh, I know you
are not like me! But how will you like being under orders, Law, never
having your freedom, never able to do what you please, or to go anywhere
without leave? That is how soldiers live. They are slaves; they have to
obey, always to obey. You could not do anything because you wanted to do
it--you could not spend an evening at home--Oh,” she cried with a
sudden stamp of her foot in impatience with herself, “that is not what I
mean to say; for what would you care for coming home? But you could not
go to that place--that delightful place--that you and papa prefer to
home. I know you don’t care for home,” said Lottie. “Oh, it is a
compliment, a great compliment to me!”
And, being overwrought and worn out with agitation, she suddenly broke
down and fell a-crying, not so much that she felt the slight and the
pang of being neglected, but because all these agitations had been too
much for her, and she felt for the moment that she could bear no more.
At the sight of her tears sudden remorse came over Law. He went to her
side and stood over her, touching her shoulder with his hand. “Don’t
cry, Lottie,” he said, with compunction. And then, after a moment, “It
isn’t for you; you’re always jolly and kind. I don’t mind what I say to
you; you might know everything I do if you liked. But home, you know,
home’s not what a fellow cares for. Oh, yes! I care for it in a way--I
care for you; but except you, what is there, Lottie? And I can’t always
be talking to you, can I? A fellow wants a little more than that. So do
you; you want more than me. If I had come into the drawing-room this
morning and strummed on the piano, what would you have done? Sent me off
or boxed my ears if I’d have let you. But that fellow Ridsdale comes
and you like it. You needn’t say no; I am certain you liked it. But
brother and sister, you know that’s not so amusing! Come, Lottie, you
know that as well as I.”
“I don’t know it, it is not true!” Lottie cried, with a haste and
emphasis which she herself felt to be unnecessary. “But what has that to
do with the matter? Allow that you do not care for your home, Law; but
is it necessary to go off and separate yourself from your family, to
give up your position, everything? I will tell you what we will do. We
will go to Mr. Ashford, and he will let us know honestly what he
thinks--what you are fit for. All examinations are not so hard; there
must be something that you could do.”
Law made a wry face, but he did not contradict his sister. “I wish he
would cut me out with a pair of scissors and make me fit somewhere,” he
said, with a shrug of his shoulders. Then he added, almost caressingly,
“Take your supper, Lottie; you’re tired, and you want something; I have
had mine. And you have not told me a word about to-night. Why did you
come in so early? How are you and Ridsdale getting on? Oh! what’s the
good of making a fuss about it? Do you think I can’t see as plain as
porridge what _that_ means?”
“What what means?” cried Lottie, springing from her seat with such
passionate energy as half frightened the lad. “How dare you, Law? Do you
think I am one of the girls you are used to? How dare you speak to me
so?”
“Why should you make such a fuss about it?” cried Law, laughing, yet
retreating. “If there is nothing between you and Ridsdale, what does the
fellow want loafing about here? Lottie! I say, mind what you’re doing. I
don’t mind taking your advice sometimes, but I won’t be bullied by you.”
“You had better go to bed, Law!” said Lottie, with dignified contempt.
After all the agitations of the evening it was hard to be brought down
again to the merest vulgarities of gossip like this. She paid no more
attention to her brother, but gathered together her shawl, her gloves,
the shabby little fan which had been her mother’s, and put out the lamp,
leaving him to find his way to his room as he could. She was too
indignant for words. He thought her no better than the dressmaker-girls
he had spoken of, to be addressed with vulgar stupid raillery such as no
doubt they liked. This was the best Lottie had to look for in her own
home. She swept out, throwing the train of her long white skirt from her
hand with a movement which would have delighted Rollo, and went away to
the darkness and stillness of her own little chamber, with scarcely an
answer to the “Good-night” which Law flung at her as he shuffled away.
She sat down on her little bed in the dark without lighting her candle;
it was her self-imposed duty to watch there till she heard her father’s
entrance. And there, notwithstanding her stately withdrawal, poor
Lottie, overcome, sobbed and cried. She had nobody to turn to, nor
anything to console her, except the silence and pitying darkness which
hid her girlish weakness even from herself.
CHAPTER XIII.
CAPTAIN DESPARD.
Morning service at the Abbey was more business-like than the severe
ritual in the afternoon. The evening prayers were more pleasurable.
Strangers came to them, new faces, all the visitors about, and there
could be no doubt that the Signor chose his anthems with a view to the
new people who were always coming and going. Sometimes representatives
from every quarter of England, from the Continent--members of “the other
church” even, which Anglicanism venerates and yearns after: and people
from America, pilgrims to the shrine of the past, would gather within
the Abbey, and carry away the fame of the music and the beautiful church
to all the winds. The staff of the Abbey was pleasantly excited, the
service was short, the whole ritual was pleasurable. It was the dull
hour in the afternoon when it is good for people to be occupied in such
an elevating way, and when, coming in with the fresh air hanging about
you in the summer, out of the sunshine, to feel the house so shady and
cool--or in winter from the chill and cold out of doors to a blazing
fire, and lamps, and candles, and tea--you had just time for a little
lounge before dressing for dinner, and so cheated away the heaviest hour
of the day. But in the morning it was business. The Minor Canons felt
it, getting up from their breakfast to sing their way steadily through
litany and versicles. And nobody felt it more than the old Chevaliers as
they gathered in their stalls, many of them white-headed, tottering, one
foot in the grave. It was the chief occupation of their lives--all that
they were now obliged to do. Their whole days were shaped for this. When
the bells began the doors would open, the veterans come out, one by one,
some of them battered enough, with medals on their coats. Captain
Despard was the most jaunty of the brotherhood. Indeed he was about the
youngest of all, and it had been thought a bad thing for the institution
when a man not much over fifty was elected. He was generally the last to
take his place, hurrying in fresh and debonair, with his flower in his
coat, singing with the choir whenever the music pleased him, and even
now and then softly accompanying the Minor Canon, with a cheerful sense
that his adhesion to what was being said must always be appreciated. His
responses were given with a grand air, as if he felt himself to be
paying a compliment to the Divine Hearer. And indeed, though it was the
great drawback of his existence to be compelled to be present there
every morning of his life, still when he was there he enjoyed it. He was
part of the show. The beautiful church, the fine music, and Captain
Despard, had all, he thought, a share in the silent enthusiasm of the
general congregation. And Captain Despard was so far right that many of
the congregation, especially those who came on Sundays and holidays, the
townsfolk, the tobacconists, and tradespeople, and the girls from the
workroom, looked upon him with the greatest admiration, and pointed out
to each other, sometimes awed and respectful, sometimes tittering behind
their prayer-books, where “the Captain” sat in state. The Captain was a
“fine man” everybody allowed--well proportioned, well preserved--a young
man of his age; and his age was mere boyhood in comparison with many of
his peers and brethren. It was ridiculous to see him there among all
those old fellows, the girls said; and as for Polly, as she slipped
humbly into a free seat, the sight of him sitting there in his stall
quite overpowered her. If all went well, she herself would have a place
there by-and-by--not in the stalls indeed, but in the humble yet
dignified places provided for the families of the Chevaliers. It must
not be supposed that even the Chevaliers’ stalls were equal to those
provided for the hierarchy of the Abbey. They were a lower range, and on
a different level altogether, but still they were places of dignity.
Captain Despard put his arms upon the carved supports of his official
seat, and looked around him like a benevolent monarch. When anyone asked
him a question as he went or came he was quite affable, and called to
the verger with a condescending readiness to oblige.
“You must find a place for this gentleman, Wykeham,” he would say; “this
gentleman is a friend of mine.” Wykeham only growled at these
recommendations, but Captain Despard passed on to his stall with the air
of having secured half a dozen places at least; and his _protégés_ felt
a vague belief in him, even when they did not find themselves much
advanced by it. And there he sat, feeling that every change in his
position was noted, and that he himself was an essential part of the
show--that show which was so good for keeping up all the traditions of
English society, making the Church respected, and enforcing attention to
religion--indeed, a very handsome compliment to the Almighty himself.
Captain Despard, however, though he admired himself so much, was not, as
has been already hinted, proportionately admired by his brother
Chevaliers, and it was something like a surprise to him when he found
himself sought by two of them at once, as they came out of the Abbey.
One of these was Captain Temple, who had encountered Lottie on the
evening before, going alone to the Deanery. None of all the Chevaliers
of St. Michael’s was so much respected as this old gentleman. He was a
little man, with white hair, not remarkable in personal appearance,
poor, and old; but he was all that a Chevalier ought to be, _sans
reproche_. The story of his early days was the ordinary one of a poor
officer without friends or interest; but in his later life there had
happened to him something which everybody knew. His only daughter had
married a man greatly above her in station, a member of a noble family,
to the great admiration and envy of all beholders. She was a beautiful
girl, very delicate and sensitive; but no one thought of her qualities
in comparison with the wonderful good fortune that had befallen her. A
girl that had been changed at a stroke from poor little Mary Temple, the
poor Chevalier’s daughter, into the Honourable Mrs. Dropmore, with a
chance of a Viscountess’s coronet! was ever such good luck heard of? Her
father and mother were congratulated on all sides with malign
exuberance. Mrs. Temple got credit for being the cleverest of mothers,
that applause, which in England means insult, being largely showered
upon her. Whether she deserved it, poor soul! is nothing to this
history; but if so, she soon had her reward. The girl who had been so
lucky was carried off summarily from the father and mother who had
nothing else to care for in the world. They were not allowed to see her,
or even to communicate with her but in the most limited way. They bore
everything, these poor people, for their child’s sake, encouraging each
other not to complain, to wait until her sweetness had gained the
victory, as sweetness and submission are always said to do--and
encouraging _her_ to think only of her husband, to wait and be patient
until the prejudices of his family were dispelled. But this happy moment
never came for poor Mary. She died after a year’s marriage--wailing for
her mother, who was not allowed to come near her, and did not even know
of her illness. This had almost killed the old people too--and it had
pointed many a moral all the country round; and now this incident, which
had nothing to do with her, came in to influence the career of Lottie
Despard. It was Captain Temple who first came up to his brother
Chevalier as he strolled through the nave of St. Michael’s, on his way
out from the service. A great many people always lingered in the nave to
get every note of the Signor’s voluntary, and it was Captain Despard’s
practice to take a turn up and down to exhibit himself in this last act
of the show before it was over. The sun shone in from the high line of
south windows, throwing a thousand varieties of colour on the lofty
clustered pillars, and the pavement all storied with engraved stones and
brasses. The Captain sauntered up and down, throwing out his chest, and
conscious of admiration round him, while the music rolled forth through
the splendid space, with a voice proportioned to it, and groups of the
early worshippers stood about listening, specks in the vastness of the
Abbey. Just as it ended, with an echoing thunder of sweet sound, the old
Captain, putting on his hat at the door, encountered the younger
warrior for whom he had been lying in wait.
“May I speak a word to you, Captain Despard?” he said.
“Certainly, my dear sir; if I can be of use to you in any way, command
me,” said Captain Despard, with the most amiable flourish of his hat.
But he was surprised; for Captain Temple was a man who “kept his
distance,” and had never shown any symptom of admiration for the other
Chevalier.
“You will forgive me speaking,” said the old man. “But I know that your
evenings are often engaged. You have many occupations; you are seldom at
home in the evening?”
“My friends are very kind,” said Captain Despard, with another flourish.
“As a matter of fact, I--dine out a great deal. I am very often
engaged.”
“I thought so. And your son--very often dines out too. May I ask as a
favour that you will allow me to constitute myself the escort of Miss
Despard when she is going anywhere in the evening? I had that pleasure
last night,” said the old man. “I am a very safe person, I need not say:
and fond of--young people. It would be a great pleasure to me.”
Captain Despard listened with some surprise. Perhaps he saw the reproach
intended, but was too gaily superior to take any notice of it. When the
other had ended, he took off his hat again, and made him a still more
beautiful bow. “How glad I am,” he said, “to be able to give you a great
pleasure so easily! Certainly, Captain Temple, if my little girl’s
society is agreeable to you.”
“She is at an age when she wants--someone to watch over her,” said the
old Captain. “She is very sweet--and very handsome, Captain Despard.”
“Is she?” said the other, indifferently. “A child, my dear sir, nothing
more than a child; but good looks belong to her mother’s family--without
thinking of my own side of the house.”
“She is very handsome. A mother is a great loss to a girl at that age.”
“You think it is a want that ought to be supplied,” said Captain
Despard, with a laugh, stroking his moustache. “Perhaps you are
right--perhaps you are right. Such an idea, I allow, has several times
crossed my own mind.”
“Despard,” said another voice, behind him, “I’ve got something to say to
ye. When ye’re at leisure, me dear fellow, step into my place.”
“Don’t let me detain you,” said the other old man, hurrying away. His
kind stratagem had not succeeded. He was half sorry--and yet, as he had
already prophesied its failure to his wife, he was not so much
displeased after all. Major O’Shaughnessy, who was a heavy personage,
hobbled round to the other side.
“Despard,” he said, “me dear friend! I’ve got something to say to you.
It’s about Lottie, me boy.”
“About Lottie?--more communications about Lottie. I’ve had about enough
of her, O’Shaughnessy. There is that solemn old idiot asking if he may
escort her when she goes anywhere. Is he going to give his wife poison,
and offer himself to me as a son-in-law?” said the Captain, with a
laugh.
“I’ll go bail he didn’t tell you what I’m going to tell you. Listen,
Despard. My pretty Lottie--she’s but a child, and she’s as pretty a one
as you’d wish to see: well, it’s a lover she’s gone and got for herself.
What d’ye think of that? Bless my soul, a lover! What do you make of
that, me fine fellow?” cried the Major, rubbing his fat hands. He was
large of bulk, like his wife, and round and shining, with a bald head,
and large hands that looked bald too.
“Is this a joke?” said the Captain, drawing himself up; “by George I’ll
have no jokes about my child.”
“Joke? it is my wife told me, that is as fond of the girl as if she were
her own. ‘Mark my words,’ says Mrs. O’Shaughnessy, ‘she’ll be the
Honourable Mrs. Ridsdale before we know where we are.’ And Temple’s been
at ye, Despard; I know it. The man is off his head with his own bad
luck, and can’t abide the name of an Honourable. But, from all I hear,
there’s little to be said against this one except that he’s poor.”
“The Honourable----” said Captain Despard, with a bewildered look. Then,
as the good Major talked, he recovered himself. “Well!” he said, when
that speech came to an end, “you may think that it’s very fine,
O’Shaughnessy, and I’m sure I am much obliged to you for telling me, but
you don’t suppose an Honourable is anything out of the way to me? With
her family and her beauty, I would grudge the child to a man without a
title anyhow, even if he weren’t poor.”
The Major had his mouth open to speak, but he was so bewildered by this
grandeur that he stopped and closed it again, and uttered only a murmur
in his throat. “Well!” he said, when he came to himself, “you know your
own affairs best; but now that your girl is taken out, and into society,
and with her prospects, you’ll be standing by her and giving her more of
your company, Despard? Lottie’s the best of girls: but it might make all
the difference to her, having her father at home, and always ready to
stand up for her--not meaning any offence.”
“Nor is any taken, O’Shaughnessy; make your mind quite easy,” said the
Captain, looking extremely stately though his coat was shabby. Then he
added, “I’ve got some business down town, and an appointment at twelve
o’clock. I’m sorry to hurry off, but business goes before all.
Good-morning to you, Major!” he said, kissing the ends of his fingers;
then turning back after he had gone a few steps. “My respects to your
wife, and thanks for finding it all out; but I’ve known it these three
weeks at least, though I’m obliged to her all the same.” And so saying,
Captain Despard resumed the humming of his favourite tune, and went
swinging his arm down the Dean’s Walk, the rosebud in his coat showing
like a decoration, and the whole man jaunty and gay as nobody else was
at St. Michael’s. It was a sight to see him as he marched along, keeping
time to the air he was humming; a fine figure of a man! The good Major
stood and looked after him dum-foundered; he was almost too much taken
by surprise to be offended. “Manage your own affairs as you please, my
fine fellow!” he said to himself, and went home in a state of suppressed
fury. But he relented when he saw Lottie, in her print frock, at the
window; and he did not give his wife that insolent message. “What is the
use of making mischief?” the Major said.
Captain Despard was not, however, so entirely unmoved as he looked. The
news bewildered him first, and then elated him. Where had the girl
picked up the Honourable Mr.----, what was his name? He knew so little
of Lottie and was so little aware of her proceedings, that he had only
heard accidentally of her visits at the Deanery at all, and knew nothing
whatever of Rollo. He must inquire, he said to himself; but in the
meantime did not this free him from all the hesitations with which, to
do him justice, he had been struggling? For if, instead of “presiding
over his establishment”--which was how Captain Despard put it--Lottie
was to be the mistress of a house of her own and ascend into heaven, as
it were, as the Honourable Mrs. Something-or-other, there would be no
doubt that Captain Despard would be left free as the day to do what
pleased himself. This wonderful piece of news seemed to get into his
veins and send the blood coursing more quickly there, and into his head,
and made that whirl with an elation which was perfectly vague and
indefinite. With Lottie as the Honourable Mrs. So-and-so, all obstacles
were removed out of his own way. Law did not count; the Captain was
afraid more or less of his daughter, but he was not at all afraid of his
son. The Honourable Something-or-other! Captain Despard did not even
know his name or anything about him, but already various privileges
seemed to gleam upon him through this noble relation. No doubt such a
son-in-law would be likely to lend a gentleman, who was not over-rich
and connected with him by close family ties, a small sum now and then;
or probably he might think it necessary for his own dignity to make an
allowance to his wife’s father to enable him to appear as a gentleman
ought; and in the shooting season he would naturally, certainly, give so
near a relation a standing invitation to the shooting-box which, by
right of his rank, he must inevitably possess somewhere or other, either
his own or belonging to his noble father. Probably he would have it in
his power to point out to Her Majesty or Commander-in-Chief that to keep
a man who was an honour to his profession, like Captain Henry Despard,
in the position of a Chevalier of St. Michael’s, was equally a disgrace
and a danger to the country. Captain Despard seemed to hear the very
tone in which this best of friends would certify to his merits. “Speak
of failures in arms! What can you expect when General So-and-so is
gazetted to the command of an expedition, and Henry Despard is left in a
Chevalier’s lodge?” he seemed to hear the unknown say indignantly.
Nothing could be more generous than his behaviour; he did nothing but go
about the world sounding the Captain’s praises: “I have the honour to be
his son-in-law,” this right-thinking young man would say. Captain
Despard went down the hill with his head buzzing full of this new
personage who had suddenly stepped into his life. His engagement was no
more important than to play a game at billiards with one of his town
acquaintances, but even there he could not keep from throwing out
mysterious hints about some great good fortune which was about to come
to him. “What! are you going away, Captain? Are you to have promotion?
or is it you they have chosen for the new warden of the Chevaliers?” his
associates asked him, half in curiosity, half in sarcasm. “I am not in
circumstances,” said the Captain solemnly, “to say what are the
improved prospects that are dawning upon my house; but of this you may
rest assured--that my friends in adversity will remain my friends in
prosperity.” “Bravo, Captain!” cried all his friends. Some of them
laughed, but some of them put their faith in Captain Despard. They said
to themselves, “He’s fond of talking a bit big, but he’s got a good
heart, has the Captain!” and they, too, dreamed of little loans and
treats. And, indeed, the Captain got an immediate advantage out of it;
for one of the billiard-players, who was a well-to-do tradesman with
habits not altogether satisfactory to his friends, gave him a luncheon
at the “Black Boar,” not because he expected to profit by the supposed
promotion, but to see how many lies the old humbug would tell in
half-an-hour, as he himself said; for there are practical democrats to
whom it is very sweet to see the pretended aristocrat cover himself with
films of lying. The shopkeeper roared with laughter as the Captain gave
forth his oracular sayings. “Go it, old boy!” he said. They all
believed, however, more or less, in some good luck that was coming,
whatever it might be; and the sensation of faith around him strengthened
Captain Despard in his conviction. He resolved to go home and question
Lottie after this luncheon; but that was of itself a prolonged feast,
and the immediate consequence of it was a disinclination to move, and a
sense that it would be just as well for him not to show himself for
some little time, “till it had gone off”--for the Captain in some things
was a wise man, and prudent as he was wise.
CHAPTER XIV.
THE WORKROOM.
There were two factions in the workroom by the side of the river where
Mrs. Wilting’s daughters worked, with Polly Featherston for their
forewoman. One of these, though very small and consisting, indeed, only
of Ellen Wilting, the eldest girl--who was “serious”--and a little
apprentice who was in her class at the Sunday School--was greatly
against the intrusion of “the gentlemen” into the workroom, and thought
it highly improper and a thing likely to bring all the young ladies who
worked there into trouble. Ellen was, contrary to the usual opinion
which would have selected the plainest sister for this _rôle_, the
prettiest of the girls. She was fair-haired, but not frizzy like the
rest; and her face was pale, with a serious expression which made her
very lady-like, many persons thought, and gave her, the others felt not
without envy, a distinction which did not belong to their own pinkness
and whiteness. There were four sisters, of whom Emma--who was the object
of Law’s admiration--was the youngest. Kate and ’Liza came between these
two, and they were both of Polly’s faction, though without any reason
for being so. They thought Ellen was a great deal too particular. What
was the harm if a gentleman came and sat a bit when they were not too
busy, and talked and made them laugh? The object of life to these young
women was to get as much laughing and talking as possible made
consistent with the greatest amount of work done, of gowns and bonnets
made; and anyone who made the long evening appear a little shorter, and
“passed the time” with a little merriment, was a real benefactor to
them. Ellen, for her part, took more serious views of life. She would
have liked to go to morning service every day had that been practicable,
and called it matins as the ladies themselves did, which was very
uncommon in the River Lane; and she was a member of the Choral Society,
and had a pretty voice, and had sung in a chorus along with Miss
Despard, and even with Miss Huntington before she married. All this made
her feel that it was not “nice” to encourage the gentlemen who were of a
different condition in life, and whose visits could not be for any good.
And she would much rather have heard stories read out of the _Monthly
Packet_, or something in which instruction was joined with amusement,
than from the _Family Herald_; except, indeed, when she got interested
in the trials, continued from number to number, of some virtuous young
heroine like the Lady Araminta. Ellen wore a black gown like the young
ladies in the shops, with her pretty fair hair quite simply dressed,
without any of the padding and frizzing which were popular at the time;
and fondly hoped some time or other to wear a little black bonnet like
those of the sisters who had an establishment near. Her mother sternly
forbade this indulgence now, but it was one of the things to which the
young woman looked forward. And it must be allowed that Ellen rather
prided herself on her total unlikeness in every way to Polly
Featherston, who considered herself the head of the workroom, and who
was certainly the ringleader in all its follies. Kate and ’Liza and Emma
and the other apprentice, though they by no means gave their entire
adhesion to Polly, and had many remarks to make upon her in private, yet
were generally led by her as a person who knew the world and was “much
admired,” and always had somebody after her. That this somebody should
be for the moment “a gentleman,” gave Polly an additional advantage. It
must not be supposed that her reputation was anyhow in danger, though
she was known to “keep company” with the Captain; for Polly, though not
“particular,” and ready to talk and laugh with anyone, was known to be
very well able to take care of herself, and much too experienced to be
taken in by any of the admirers whom she was supposed to be able to wind
round her little finger. For this, and for her powers of attracting
admiration, and for her fluent and ready speech, and the dauntless
disposition which made her afraid of nobody and ready to “speak up,” if
need were, even to the very Dean himself, the girls admired her; and
they would not be persuaded by Ellen that Polly ought to be subdued out
of her loud and cheerful talk, and the doors of the workroom closed on
the gentlemen. Little Emma, indeed, the youngest of the girls, was
vehement against this idea, as was easily understood by all the rest.
“What is the harm?” she cried, with tears in her eyes, tears of vexation
and irritation and alarmed perception of the change it would make if Law
should be shut out; a terrible change, reducing herself, who now enjoyed
some visionary superiority as “keeping company” in her own small person
with a gentleman, into something even lower than ’Liza and Kate, who had
their butchers and bakers, at least, to walk out with on Sunday--a
privilege which Emma seldom dared enjoy with Law. “What is the use,”
Emma said, “of making a fuss? What harm do they do? They make the time
pass. It’s long enough anyhow from eight o’clock in the morning till
nine at night, or sometimes later, and so little time as mother allows
for meals. I am sure I am that tired,” Emma declared, and with reason,
“I often can’t see how to thread my needle; and to have somebody to talk
to passes the time.”
“We have always plenty of talk even when we are by ourselves,” said
Ellen; “and I am sure we might make better use of our time and have much
more improving conversation if these men would not be always coming
here.”
“Oh! if you are so fond of improvement,” cried Polly, “I daresay you
would like to have Mr. Sterndale the Scripture Reader come and read to
us; or we might ask Mr. Langton upstairs, who is a clergyman. I
shouldn’t mind having _him_; he is so shy and frightened, and he
wouldn’t know what to say.”
“Lord!” cried Kate; “fancy being frightened for us!”
“Oh!” said the better-informed Polly, “there’s heaps as are frightened
for us; and the gooder they are the more frightened they would be; a
curate is always frightened for us girls. He knows he daren’t talk free
in a friendly way, and that makes him as stiff as two sticks. As sure as
fate, if he was pleasant, somebody would say he had a wrong meaning, and
that’s how it’s always in their mind.”
“A clergyman,” said Ellen authoritatively, “would come to do us good.
But it wouldn’t be his place to come here visiting. It’s our duty to go
to him to relieve our consciences. As for Mr. Sterndale, the Scripture
Reader, I don’t call him a Churchman at all; he might just as well be a
Dissenter. What good can he do anybody? The thing that really does you
good is to go to church. In some places there are always prayers going
on, and then there is half an hour for meditation, and then you go to
work again till the bell rings. And in the afternoon there is even-song
and self-examination, and that passes the time,” cried Ellen, clasping
her hands. “What with matins, and meditation, and something new for
every hour, the days go. They’re gone before you know where you are.”
The young women were silenced by this enthusiastic statement. For after
all, what could be more desirable than a system which made the days fly?
Polly was the only one who could hold up her head against such an
argument. She did her best to be scornful. “I daresay!” she cried, “but
I should just like to know if the work went as fast! Praying and
meditating are very fine, but if the work wasn’t done, what would your
mother say?”
“Mother would find it answer, bless you,” said Ellen, her pale face
lighted with enthusiasm; “you do double the work when you can feel
you’re doing your duty, and could die cheerful any moment.”
“Oh! and to think how few sees their duty, and how most folks turns
their backs upon it!” replied the little apprentice, who was on Ellen’s
side.
Polly saw that something must be done to turn the tide. The girls were
awed. They could not hold up their commonplace little heads against this
grand ideal. There were little flings of half-alarmed impatience indeed
among them, as when Kate whispered to ’Liza that “one serious one was
enough in a house,” and little Emma ventured a faltering assertion “that
going to church made a day feel like Sunday, and it didn’t seem right
to do any more work.” Polly boldly burst in, and threw forth her
standard to the wind.
“Week days is week days,” she said oracularly. “We’ve got them to work
in and to have a bit of fun as long as we’re young. Sundays I say
nothing against church--as much as anyone pleases; and it’s a great
thing to have the Abbey to go to, where you see everybody, if Wykeham
the verger wasn’t such a brute. But, if I’m not to have my bit of fun,
I’d rather be out of the world altogether. Now I just wish Mr. Law were
passing this way, for there’s the end of Lady Araminta in the _Family
’Erald_, and it is very exciting, and she won’t hear of marrying the
Earl, let alone the Duke, but gives all her money and everything she has
to the man of her heart.”
“The baronet!” cried Kate and ’Liza in one breath. “I always knew that
was how it was going to be.” Even Ellen, wise as she was, changed
colour, and looked up eagerly.
It was Polly who took in that representative of all that the world calls
letters and cultivation, to these girls. Ellen looked wistfully at the
drawer in which the treasure was hidden. “I will read it out if you
like,” she said somewhat timidly. “I can’t get on with this till the
trimming is ready.” Thus even the Church party was vanquished by the
charms of Art.
That evening the Captain again paid them a visit. It was not often that
he came two days in succession, and Emma, who was the least important of
all, was very impatient of his appearance, notwithstanding the saucy
speech she had made to Law. In her heart she thought there was no
comparison between the father and son. The Captain was an old man. He
had no business to come at all, chatting and making his jokes; it was a
shame to see him turning up night after night. She wondered how Miss
Despard liked to have him always out. Emma regarded Miss Despard with
great interest and awe. She wondered when she met her in the street, as
happened sometimes, what she would say _if she knew_. And Emma wondered,
with a less warm thrill of personal feeling, but yet with much heat and
sympathetic indignation, what Miss Despard would think if she knew of
Polly. She would hate her, and that would be quite natural. Fancy having
Polly brought in over your head in the shape of a stepmother! and if
Emma herself felt indignant at such an idea, what must Miss Despard do
who was a lady, and used to be the mistress? It made the girl’s heart
ache to think that she would have to close the door upon Law again, for
it would never do to have the father and son together. Polly, on the
contrary, bore a look of triumph on her countenance. She pushed her
chair aside a little as Emma had done for Law, thus making room for him
beside her, and she said, with a delighted yet nervous toss of her
mountain of hair, “Ah, Captain, back again! Haven’t you got anything
better to do than to come after a lot of girls that don’t want you? Do
we want him, Kate?” to which playful question Kate replied in good
faith, No, she did not want him; but, with a friendly sense of what was
expected of her, giggled and added that the Captain didn’t mind much
what _she_ thought. The Captain, nothing daunted, drew in a stool close
to Polly, and whispered that, by George, the girl was right; it didn’t
matter much to him what _she_ thought; that it was someone else he would
consult on that subject; upon which Polly tossed her head higher than
ever, and laughed and desired him to Get along! The Captain’s coming was
not nearly so good for the work as Law’s, who was not half so funny, and
whom they all received in a brotherly sort of indifferent, good-humoured
way. The Captain, on the contrary, fixed their attention as at a play.
It was as good as a play to watch him whispering to Polly, and she
arching her neck, and tossing her head, and bidding him Get along!
Sometimes, indeed, he kept them all laughing with his jokes and his
mimicries, himself enjoying the enthusiasm of his audience. But though
on these occasions he was very entertaining, the girls perhaps were
still more entertained when he sat and whispered to Polly, giving them
the gratification of an actual romance, such as it was, enacted before
their eyes. A gentleman, an officer, with such a command of fine
language, and such an air! They gave each other significant glances and
little nudges to call each other’s attention, and wondered what Miss
Despard would think, and what would happen if really, really, some fine
day Polly Featherston were made into a lady, a Chevalier’s wife, and Mr.
Law’s stepmother--what _would_ everybody say? and Miss Despard, would
she put up with it? Even the idea of so exciting an event made the blood
move more quickly in their veins.
The Captain was not in his jocular mood to-night. He was magnificent, a
thing which occurred now and then. In this state of mind he was in the
habit of telling them splendid incidents of his early days--the things
he said to the Duke of Blank, and what the Duke of Blank replied to him,
and the money he gave for his horses, and how he thought nothing of
presenting any young lady he might be paying attention to (for he was a
sad flirt in those days, the Captain allowed) with a diamond spray worth
a thousand pounds, or a sapphire ring equally valuable, or some pretty
trifle of that description. But he was altogether serious to-night. “I
intended to have come earlier,” he said, “for I have family business
that calls me home soon; but I was detained. It is very tiresome to be
continually called upon for advice and help as I am, especially when in
one’s own affairs something important has occurred.”
“La, Captain, what has happened?” said Polly. “You ought to tell us. We
just want something to wake us up. You’ve had some money left you; or I
shouldn’t wonder a bit if the Commander-in-Chief----”
Here she stopped short with sudden excitement, and looked at him.
Captain Despard was fond of intimating to his humbler friends that he
knew the Commander-in-Chief would send for him some day, indignant with
those whose machinations had made him shelve so valuable an officer for
so long. It seemed possible to Polly that this moment had arrived, and
the idea made her black eyes blaze. She seemed to see him at the head of
an expedition, leading an army, and herself the general’s lady. It did
not occur to Polly that there was no war going on at the moment; that
was a matter of detail; and how should she know anything about war or
peace, a young woman whose knowledge of public manners was limited to
murders and police cases? She let her work fall upon her knee, and there
even ran through her mind a rapid calculation, if he was starting off
directly, how long it would take to get the wedding things ready, or if
she could trust the Wiltings to have them packed and sent after her in
case there should not be time enough to wait.
“No,” the Captain said, with that curl of his lip which expressed his
contempt of the authorities who had so foolishly passed him over. “It is
nothing about the Commander-in-Chief--at least not yet. There will soon
be a means of explaining matters to his Royal Highness which may lead
to----. But we will say nothing on that point for the moment,” he added
grandly, with a wave of his hand. Then he leaned over Polly, and
whispered something which the others tried vainly to hear.
“Oh!” cried Polly, listening intently. At first her interest failed a
little; then she evidently rose to the occasion, put on a fictitious
excitement, clasped her hands, and cried, “Oh, Captain, _that_ at last!”
“Yes--that is what has happened. You may not see all its importance at
the first glance. But it is very important,” said the Captain with
solemnity. “In a domestic point of view--and otherwise. People tell you
interest does not matter now-a-days. Ha! ha!” (Captain Despard laughed
the kind of stage-laugh which may be represented by these
monosyllables.) “Trust one who has been behind the scenes. Interest is
everything--always has been, and always will be. This will probably have
the effect of setting me right at the Horse Guards, which is all that is
necessary. And in the meantime,” he added, with a thoughtful air, “it
will make a great difference in a domestic point of view; it will change
my position in many ways, indeed in every way.”
Polly had been gazing at him during this speech, watching every movement
of his face, and as she watched her own countenance altered. She did
not even pretend to take up her work again, but leaned forward
nervously fingering the thread and the scissors on the table, and
beginning to realise the importance of the crisis. To Captain Despard it
was a delightful opportunity of displaying his importance, and there was
just enough of misty possibility in the castle of cards he was building
up to endow him with a majestic consciousness of something about to
happen. But to Polly it was a great deal more than this. It was the
crisis of something that was at least melodrama, if not tragedy, in her
life. All her hopes were suddenly quickened into almost reality, and the
change in her fortunes, which had been a distant and doubtful if
exciting chance, seemed suddenly in a moment to become real and near.
The spectacle that this afforded to the other young women in the
workroom it is almost beyond the power of words to describe. Their
bosoms throbbed. A play! plays were nothing to it. They pulled each
other’s gowns under the table. They gave each other little nods, and
looks under their eyebrows. Their elbows met in emphatic commentary. He,
absorbed in his own all-important thoughts, she looking up at him with
that rapt and pale suspense--never was anything more exciting to the
imagination of the beholders. “He won’t look at her,” one whispered;
“she’s all of a tremble,” said another; and “Lord, what _are_ they
making such a fuss about?” breathed Kate.
“Yes, it will alter our position in every way,” the Captain said,
stroking his moustache, and fixing his eyes on vacancy. Then Polly
touched his arm softly, her cheek, which had been pale, glowing crimson.
_Our_ position! the word gave her inspiration. She touched him shyly at
first to call his attention; then, with some vehemence, “Captain! that
will make----a deal easier,” she said; but what words were between
these broken bits of the sentence, or if any words came between, the
excited listeners could not make out.
“Yes,” he said with dignity. But he did not look at her. He maintained
his abstracted look, which was so very impressive. They all hung upon,
not only his lips, but every movement. As for Polly, the suspense was
more than she could bear. She was not a patient young woman, nor had she
been trained to deny herself like Ellen, or control her feelings as
women in a different sphere are obliged to do. She resumed her work for
a moment with hurried hands, trying to control her anxiety; then
suddenly threw it in a heap on the table, without even taking the
trouble to fold it tidily. She did not seem to know what she was doing,
they all thought.
“I am going home,” she said, with a hoarseness in her voice. “There is
nothing very pressing, so it won’t matter. I’ve got such a headache I
don’t know what to do with myself.”
“Oh, Polly, a headache! that’s not like you--yes, there’s Mrs.
Arrowsmith’s dress that was promised.”
“I don’t care--and she’s not a regular customer. And it’s only a bit of
an alpaca with no trimmings--you can finish it yourselves. Captain, if
you’re coming my way, you can come--if you like; unless,” said Polly,
with feverish bravado, “you’ve got something to say to the girls more
than you seem to have to me--I’m going home.”
The Captain woke up from his abstraction, and looked round him,
elevating his eyebrows. “Bless my heart, what is the matter?” he said.
And then he made a grimace, which tempted the girls to laugh
notwithstanding Polly’s tragic seriousness. “I had hoped to have
contributed a little to the entertainment of the evening, my dear young
ladies. I had hoped to have helped you to ‘pass the time,’ as you say.
But when a lady bids me go----”
“Oh, you needn’t unless you like,” cried Polly; “don’t mind me! I don’t
want nobody to go home with me. I can take care of myself--only leave me
alone if you please. I won’t be made fun of, or taken off. Let me out
into the fresh air, or I think I shall faint.” The Captain took an
unfair advantage of the excited creature. He turned round upon them all
when Polly rushed out to get her jacket and hat, which hung in the hall,
and “took her off” on the spot, making himself so like her, that it was
all they could do to keep from betraying him by their laughter. When
she had put on her “things,” she put her head into the room she had just
left. “Good-night, I’m going,” she said, with a look of impassioned
anxiety and trouble. She was too much absorbed in her own feelings to
see through the mist in which their faces shone to her, the laughter
that was in them. She only saw the Captain standing up in the midst of
them. Was he coming after her? or was he going to fall off from her at
this crisis of his affairs? Perhaps it was foolish of her to rush off
like this, and leave him with all these girls about him. But Polly had
never been used to restrain her feelings, and she could not help it she
vowed to herself. Everything in the future seemed to depend upon whether
he came after her or not. Oh, why could not she have had a little more
patience! oh, why should not he come with her, say something to her
after all that had passed! As great a conflict was in her mind as if she
had been a heroine of romance. The Captain and she had been “keeping
company” for a long time. He had “kept off” others that would not have
shilly-shallyed as he had done. A man’s “intentions” are rarely inquired
into in Polly’s sphere. But if he cared for her the least bit, if he had
any honour in him, she felt that he would follow her now. Polly knew
that she might have been Mrs. Despard long ago if she had consented to
be married privately as the Captain wished. But she was for none of
those clandestine proceedings. She would be married in her parish
church, with white favours and a couple of flys, and something that
might be supposed to be a wedding breakfast. She had held by her notions
of decorum stoutly, and would hear of no hole-and-corner proceedings.
And now when fortune was smiling upon them, when his daughter had got
hold of someone (this was Polly’s elegant way of putting it), and when
the way would be clear, what if he failed her? The workroom with its
blaze of light and its curious spectators had been intolerable to her,
but a cold shudder crossed her when she got out of doors into the
darkness of the lane. Perhaps she ought to have stayed at any cost, not
to have left him in the midst of so many temptations. Her heart seemed
to sink into her shoes. Oh, why had she been so silly! Her hopes seemed
all dropping, disappearing from her. To sink into simple Polly
Featherston, with no dazzling prospect of future elevation, would be
death to her, she felt, now.
Polly was half way up the lane before the Captain, coming along at his
leisure, made up to her; and, what with passion and fright, she had
scarcely any voice left. “Oh, you have come after all!” was all she
could manage to say. And she hurried on, so rapidly that he protested.
“If you want to talk, how can we talk if we race like this?” he said.
“Who wants to talk?” cried Polly breathless; but nevertheless she
paused in her headlong career. They went up the hill together, on the
steep side next the Abbey, where there never was anybody, and there the
Captain discoursed to Polly about his new hopes. She would have liked it
better had he decided how the old ones were to be realised. But still,
as he was confidential and opened everything to her as to his natural
confidant, her excitement gradually subsided, and her trust in him
returned. She listened patiently while he recounted to her all the
results that would be sure to follow, when an influential son-in-law, a
member of a noble family, brought him to the recollection of the
Commander-in-Chief.
“They think I’m shelved and superannuated,” he said; “but let me but
have an opening--all I want is an opening; and then you can go and
select the handsomest phaeton and the prettiest pair of ponies, my
lady--”
Polly laughed and reddened with pleasure at this address, but she said
prudently, “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. I wouldn’t give
up being a Chevalier. It’s a nice little house and a nice little income
too.”
“Pooh! a nothing,” cried the Captain. This was very fine and gave a
sense of superiority and exaltation. Polly could not but allow a vision
to float before her eyes of the phaeton and the ponies, nay more, of the
march of a regiment with the flags and the music. She even seemed to
see the sentry at her own door, and all the men presenting arms as she
passed (what less could they do to the wife of their commander?). But,
on the other hand, to live here at Michael’s where she was born, and be
seen in her high estate by all the people who had known her as a poor
dressmaker, that was a happiness which she did not like to give up, even
for the glories of a high command far away.
CHAPTER XV.
ROMANCE AND REALITY.
Lottie was entirely unconscious of the intimation that had been made to
her father, and of the excitement which had risen among her neighbours
about Mr. Ridsdale. It did not occur to her that anyone but herself knew
anything about him. The delighted curiosity of the O’Shaughnessys and
the anxious concern of Captain Temple were equally unknown to her. Her
mind was still moved by an echo of the sentiment of their last
meeting--a thrill of emotion half from the music, half from the
awakening feelings, the curiosity, the commotion of her developing
nature. Of all Law’s communications which had excited himself so
powerfully, and which had also to some extent excited her, she
remembered little in comparison. The large dim room at the Deanery, the
faint night air breathing about, blowing the flames of the candles, the
moths that circled about the lights and did themselves to death against
every flame, seemed to glimmer before her eyes continually--everything
else, even the danger of her father’s marriage, the danger of Law’s
imprudence, fell into the background and became distant; everything
receded before the perpetual attraction of this shadowy scene.
Mr. Ridsdale made a second call upon her in the morning after service,
just at the moment when Captain Temple and Major O’Shaughnessy were
talking to her father. This time he brought no note, and had no excuse
ready to explain his visit. “I came to say good-by,” he said, holding
out his hand and looking rather wistfully into her face. Lottie offered
him her hand demurely. She scarcely met his eyes. Her heart began to
beat as soon as she heard his voice asking for her at the door. It
brought back all the terrors of the previous night. She did not however
ask him to sit down, but stood faltering opposite to him, embarrassed,
not knowing what to do.
“You would not accept my escort last night,” he said; “I was dreadfully
disappointed when I came out and found you gone. I had been waiting, not
wishing to hurry you. I hope you did not think I was a laggard?”
“Oh no, it was my fault,” said Lottie, not raising her eyes. “There was
no need for anyone to come with me. It is but two steps, and at that
hour there is no one about. There was no need--for any escort.”
“May I sit down for a few minutes, Miss Despard? My train is not till
one o’clock.”
Lottie blushed crimson at this implied reproach. It might be right to be
shy of him, but not to be rude to him. “Oh, I beg your pardon,” she
said, pointing to a chair.
“You took us all by surprise last night,” he said, carefully placing
hers for her. “I think it was a revelation to everybody. We hear that
music in the Abbey, and we suppose we understand it; till someone like
you suddenly interprets it to us, and we wake up and feel that we never
heard it before.”
“I never knew what it was--to sing anything like that before,” said
Lottie. It disturbed her even to think about it; “and it had all been so
different--so----”
“Commonplace? from the ridiculous to the sublime; from poor dear Aunt
Caroline on her sofa to Handel fluting among the angels. It _was_ a step
indeed.”
“I did not mean that. It was myself I was thinking of--I had been so
full of silly fancies of my own.”
“But all at once the inspiration came? I should like to be capable of
anything like that; but I am not. I can only listen, and worship,” said
Rollo. There was fervour in his voice--a real something which was not
mere fanaticism about music. And the two young people sat for a few
moments in silence, a most dangerous thing to do, looking at each
other--nay, not looking at each other--for Lottie did not feel either
able or disposed to raise her eyes. She was the first to speak, in order
to break the silence, which alarmed her, though she did not know why.
“It is wonderful how the Signor plays. I never understood it in the
Abbey. He seems to place you up somewhere above yourself--and make your
voice come independent of you.”
“Never in his life, I am sure, did he have such a beautiful compliment
paid to him,” said Rollo; “but, Miss Despard, you do him too much
credit. You permitted even me to accompany you--and sang just as
divinely----”
“Oh no,” said Lottie. Then she blushed and recollected herself. “You
play very well, Mr. Ridsdale; but we could not compare those trumpery
songs with----”
“Trumpery songs! only Mozart and Bellini, and a few more,” he cried,
with a gasp. “Ah, I know what you mean; you meant the ‘Marta’ song,
which made your good friend, that good woman, cry----”
“I like the ‘Last Rose of Summer’ very much. I have always liked it. I
used to hear an old fiddler play it in the street when I was a child,
when I was lying in the dark, trying to go to sleep. It was like a
friend keeping me company; but a friend that had a breaking heart, that
cried and took all my thoughts off myself--I shall never forget it,”
said Lottie, the tears coming to her eyes at the recollection. “I like
it better than all the rest.”
“Miss Despard, do not drive me to despair. Not better than ‘Casta Diva,’
or Margaret’s song, or----”
“You forget I don’t know where they come, nor the meaning of them,” said
Lottie, calmly. “I never heard an opera. I think these things are
beautiful, but they only sing to my ear, they don’t come in to _me_.”
Rollo shook his head. He was half touched, half shocked. It was her
ignorance; but then a woman destined for a prima donna, a woman with
musical genius, _ought_ to know the best by intuition, he thought. All
the same, he was more interested than if she had raved as the
commonplace, half educated amateur raves. “But Handel does,” he said.
“Ah!” Lottie cried, her face lighting up. But she added, after a moment,
“I am too ignorant to be worth talking to; you will be disgusted. I
never thought much about Handel. It was not Handel, it was _that_.” A
flush of colour came over her face with the recollection. She was too
uninstructed (notwithstanding the neighbourhood of the Abbey) to have
fully woke up to Handel or anyone. “I suppose I have heard it and did
not pay much attention to it,” she said; “it was singing it. One does
not understand at first--till suddenly one hears one’s self, and you
say, ‘What is this that is speaking; what is this? it cannot be _me_!’”
“I think I understand--a little,” said Rollo doubtfully; “though it is
simply _you_ that makes a something quite familiar, a piece of music we
have all heard a hundred times, become a new revelation to us all in a
moment. I am going away, Miss Despard, and it may be some time before I
return. Would you do me such a great favour--which I have no right to
ask--as to sing me something now before I go?”
But Lottie would not sing. She said, “Oh no, no,” with a half terror
which he did not understand, and which she did not understand herself.
The tone was one which forbade the repetition of the request. He begged
her pardon anxiously, and there was a little languid conversation about
other subjects, and then he rose. He put out his hand again, looking
into her eyes, which she raised shyly, almost for the first time. Rollo
had a way of looking into the eyes of women to whom he wished to make
himself agreeable. It is sometimes very impertinent, and always daring,
but, especially when the woman’s imagination is on the side of the
gazer, it is very efficacious. Lottie was entirely inexperienced, and
she trembled under this look, but felt it penetrate to her very heart.
“Till we meet again,” he said, with a smile, holding her hand for that
necessary moment while he said his good-by. “It will not be very long;
and I hope that you will be kind to me, Miss Despard, and let me hear
you----”
“Good-by,” said Lottie. She could not bear it any longer. She blamed
herself afterwards for being rude, as she sat down and went over the
incident again and again. She seemed to herself to have dismissed him
quite rudely, pulling her hand away, cutting short what he was saying.
But Rollo, for his part, did not feel that it was rude. He went down the
narrow stairs with his heart beating a little quicker than usual, and a
sense that here was something quite fresh and novel, something not like
the little flirtations with which he was so familiar, and which amused
him a great deal in general. This he had just touched, floated over with
his usual easy sentiment, was something quite out of the common. It
startled him with the throb in it. He went away quite thoughtful, his
heart in a most unusual commotion, and forgot until he was miles away
from St. Michael’s that Lottie Despard was to be the English prima
donna, who was to make his fortune, if properly managed. “Ah, to be
sure, that was it!” he said to himself suddenly in the railway carriage,
as he was going to town. He really had forgotten what it was that took
him to town at this unsuitable moment of the year.
The rest of the morning glided dreamily away after an incident like
this; and it was not till late in the afternoon that Lottie suddenly
awoke to the necessity of making an effort, and shaking off the empire
of dreams: and this was how she became convinced of the necessity for
doing so. She had been sitting, as on the former occasion, with a basket
of mending by her when Rollo came in. She had all the clothes of the
household to keep in order, and naturally they were not done in one
day. After Mr. Ridsdale was gone, she took up her work languidly,
keeping it on her knee while she went over all that had happened, again
and again, as has been recorded. When, at last startled by a sound
outside, she began to work in earnest, then and there a revelation of a
character totally distinct from that made by Handel burst upon her. It
was not a revelation of the same kind, but it was very startling. Lottie
found--_that she had not yet finished the hole in the sock which she had
begun to mend before Mr. Ridsdale’s first visit_! She was still in the
middle of that one hole. She remembered exactly where she stuck her
needle, in the middle of a woolly hillock, as she heard him coming
upstairs; and there it was still, in precisely the same place. This
discovery made her heart jump almost as much as Mr. Ridsdale’s visit had
done. What an evidence of wicked idling, of the most foolish dreaming
and unprofitable thought was in it! Lottie blushed, though she was
alone, to the roots of her hair, and seizing the sock with an
impassioned glow of energy, never took breath till the stern evidence of
that hole was done away with. And then she could not give herself any
rest. She felt her dreams floating about her with folded pinions, ready
to descend upon her and envelope her in their shadow if she gave them
the chance; but she was determined that she would not give them the
chance. As soon as she had finished the pair of socks, and folded them
carefully up, she went to look for Law to suggest that they should go
immediately to Mr. Ashford. Law had only just come in from a furtive
expedition out of doors, and had scarcely time to spread his books open
before him when she entered his room. But he would not go to Mr.
Ashford. It was time enough for that, and he meant in the meantime to
“work up” by himself, he declared. Lottie became more energetic than
ever in the revulsion of feeling, and determination not to yield further
to any vanity. She pleaded with him, stormed at him, but in vain. “At
the worst I can always ’list,” he said, half in dogged resistance to
her, half in boyish mischief to vex her. But he would not yield to her
desire to consult Mr. Ashford, though he had assented at first. He did
not refuse to go “some time,” but nothing that she could say would
induce him to go now. This brought in again all the contradictions and
cares of her life to make her heart sore when she turned back out of the
enchanted land in which for a little while she had been delivered from
these cares. They all came back upon her open-mouthed, like wild beasts,
she thought. Law resisting everything that was good for him, and her
father----. But Lottie could not realise the change that threatened to
come upon her through her father. It seemed like the suggestion of a
dream. Law must be deceived, it must be all a delusion, it was not
possible, it was not credible. The Captain came in early that night,
and he came upstairs into the little drawing-room, to which he had no
habit of coming. He told his daughter in a stately way that he heard her
singing had given great satisfaction at the Deanery. “More than one
person has mentioned it to me,” he said; “that is of course a
satisfaction. And--who is the gentleman you have been having here so
much?”
“There has been no one here very much,” said Lottie; then she blushed in
spite of herself, though she did not suppose that was what he alluded
to. “You do not mean Mr. Ridsdale?” she said.
“How many visitors have you got?” he said, in high good humour. “Perhaps
it is Mr. Ridsdale--Lady Caroline’s nephew? Ah, I like the family. It
was he you sang to? Well, no harm; you’ve got a very pretty voice--and
so had your mother before you,” the Captain added, with a carefully
prepared sigh.
“It was only once,” said Lottie, confused. “Mrs. O’Shaughnessy was here;
it was after we had been singing at the Deanery; it was----”
“My child,” said the Captain, “I am not finding fault. No harm in
putting your best foot foremost. I wish you’d do it a little more. At
your age you ought to be thinking about getting married. And, to tell
the truth, it would be a great convenience to me, and suit my plans
beautifully, if you would get married. You mustn’t stand
shilly-shallying; let him come to the point: or, if he won’t, my dear,
refer him to me.”
“I don’t know what you mean,” cried Lottie. Fortunately for her, he had
thought her a child up to the time of their migration to St. Michael’s,
and she had been subjected to very little advice of this description.
But, though she gazed at him with wondering eyes, she knew very well by
the instinct of horror and repulsion in her mind what he meant. It gave
her a shock of pain and shame which ran like electricity to her very
finger points. “I think you must be making a mistake,” she said. “I
scarcely know Mr. Ridsdale at all. He has called here twice--on
business--for Lady Caroline--and now he has gone away.”
“Gone away!” the Captain said, his face lengthening with disappointment
and dismay; “gone away! then you’re a fool--a greater fool than I
thought you. What’s to become of you, do you ever ask yourself? Good
lord, what a chance to throw away! One of the Courtland family--a fellow
with a turn for music--that you could have turned round your little
finger! And to let him go away! By George,” said the Captain, making a
stride towards her, and clenching his fist in the energy of his
disapproval, “I don’t believe you’re any child of mine. Clever--you
think you’re clever? and so did your mother, poor woman! but you’re an
idiot, that is what you are--an idiot! to let such a chance slip
through your fingers. Good lord! to think such a fool should be a child
of mine!”
Lottie stood her ground firmly. She was not afraid of the clenched fist,
nor even of the angry voice and eyes, which were more genuine. If there
was a slight tremor in her, it was of her own excited nerves. She made
no reply; if she had spoken, what could she have done but express her
own passionate loathing for his advice, and for his disapproval, and
perhaps even for himself? for she had not been brought up to reverence
the faulty father, whose evil qualities her mother had discussed in
Lottie’s presence as long as she could remember. There had not been any
illusion in his children’s eyes after their babyhood, in respect to
Captain Despard, and perhaps in the present emergency this was well. She
stood and met his fury, pale, but more disdainful than desperate. It was
no more than she would have expected of him had she ever thought of the
emergency at all.
Law had heard the sound of the battle from afar; he heard his father’s
voice raised, and the sound of the stroke upon the table with which he
had emphasised one of his sentences. It was a god-send to the
unenthusiastic student to be disturbed by anything, and he came in
sauntering with his hands in his pockets, partly with the intention of
taking Lottie’s part, partly for the sake of “the fun,” whatever it
might be. “What’s the row?” he asked. He had slippers on, and shuffled
along heavily, and his coat was very old and smelt of tobacco, though
that was a luxury in which Law could indulge but sparingly. He had his
hands in his pockets, and his hair was well rubbed in all directions by
the efforts he had made over his unbeloved books. Thus it was but a
slovenly angel that came to Lottie’s aid. He stopped the yawn which his
“reading” had brought on, and looked at the belligerents with some hope
of amusement. “I say, don’t bully Lottie,” he exclaimed, but not with
any fervour. He would not have allowed anyone to lay a finger upon her,
but a little bullying, such as she administered to him daily, that
perhaps would do Lottie no harm. However, he was there in her defence if
things should come to any extremity. She was of his faction, and he of
hers; but yet he thought a little bullying of the kind she gave so
liberally might do Lottie no harm.
“Go away, Law; it is no matter; it is nothing. Papa was only
communicating some of his ideas--forcibly,” said Lottie, with a smile of
defiance; but as there was always a fear in her mind lest these two
should get into collision, she added hastily, “Law, I don’t want you--go
away.”
“He can stay,” said the Captain. “I have something to say to you both.
Look here. I thought in the first place that she had hit off something
for herself,” he said, turning half round to his son. “I thought she had
caught that fellow, that Ridsdale; from what I had heard, I thought
that was certain--that there would be no difficulty on that side.”
The Captain had left his original ground. Instead of reproaching Lottie,
in which he was strong, he was in the act of disclosing his own
intentions, and this was much less certain ground. He looked at Law, and
he wavered. Big lout! he knew a great deal too much already. Captain
Despard looked at Law as at a possible rival, a being who had been
thrust into his way. The workroom had no secrets from Law.
“I think the governor’s right there,” said Law confidentially; “he’s a
big fish, but he’s all right if you give him time.”
A gleam of sudden fury blazed over Lottie’s face. She, too, clenched her
hands passionately. She stamped her foot upon the floor. “How dare you?”
she said, “how dare you insult me in my own home, you two men? Oh, yes,
I know who you are--my father and my brother, my father and my brother!
the two who ought to protect a girl and take care of her! Oh! is it not
enough to make one hate, and loathe and despise--!” said Lottie, dashing
her white clenched hand into the air. Tears that seemed to burn her came
rushing from her eyes. She looked at them with wild indignation and
rage, in which there was still a certain appeal. How could they, how
could they shame a girl so? They looked at her for a moment in this
rage, which was so impotent and so pitiful, and then they gave a
simultaneous laugh. When an exhibition of passionate feeling does not
overawe, it amuses. It is so ludicrous to see a creature crying out,
weeping, suffering for some trifle which would not in the least affect
ourselves. Lottie was struck dumb by this laugh. She gave a startled
look up at them through those hot seas of salt scalding tears that were
in her eyes.
“What a fool you are making of yourself!” said the Captain. “Women are
the greatest fools there are on this earth, always with some high-flown
rubbish or other in their stupid heads. Your own home! and who made it
your home, I should like to know? I don’t say you hadn’t a right to
shelter when you were a little thing; but that’s long out of the
question. A girl of twenty ought to be thinking about getting herself a
real home of her own. How are you going to do it? that’s the question.
You are not going to stay here to be a burden upon me all your life; and
what do you mean to do?”
“I will go to-morrow!” cried Lottie, wildly; “I would go to-night if it
were not dark. I will go--and free you of the burden!” Here she stopped;
all the angry colour went out of her face. She looked at them with great
wide eyes, appalled; and clasped her hands together with a lamentable
cry. “Oh! but I never thought of it before, I never thought of it!” she
cried; “where am I to go?”
Law’s heart smote him; he drew a step nearer to her. To agree with his
father (however much in his heart he agreed with his father) was
abandoning his sister--and his own side. “He doesn’t mean it,” he said
soothingly in an undertone; “he only wants to bully you, Lottie. Never
mind him, we’ll talk it over after,” and he put his big hand upon her
shoulder to console her. Lottie turned upon him, half furious, half
appealing. She could not see him till two big tears fell out of her
eyes, and cleared her sight a little. She clutched at the hand upon her
shoulder in her distraction and despair.
“Come with me, Law. Two of us together, we can go anywhere; two can go
anywhere. Oh! how can you tell me never to mind? Do you hear me?” she
cried, seizing his arm with both her hands, half shaking him, half
clinging to him; “say you will come with me, Law!”
“Stop this stuff!” said the Captain. “I am not telling you to go; I am
telling you what is your plain duty, the only thing a woman is fit for.
Besides, this young fellow would be of great use to me; it’s your duty
to get hold of him for the good of the family. He might say a good word
for me at the Horse Guards; he might get Law something. I never expected
you would have such a chance. Do you think I want you to go away just
when there’s a chance that you might be of some use? Am I a fool, do
you think? You’ll stay where you are, Lottie Despard! you’ll not go
disgracing your family, governessing, or anything of that sort.”
“Ah!” said Law suddenly, “she’ll wish she had listened to the Signor
now.”
“To the Signor? what of the Signor? is he after her too?” cried the
Captain eagerly. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush; and though
the Signor had no interest with the Horse Guards, he had money, and
might be of use in many ways. Captain Despard’s eyes lighted up. “Whew!”
he whistled. “Lottie! so, my child, you’ve got two strings to your bow?”
Lottie turned upon her brother, whose arm she had been holding with both
her hands. She pushed him, flung him from her with an energy of which
she had not appeared capable, and throwing her head high, looked her
father in the face and walked out of the room. Law, confounded by the
force with which she threw him from her, caught at her angrily as she
passed; but she pulled her dress from his hand, and walked past him with
a contempt that stung him--callous as he was. As for the Captain, he
made no effort to detain her, partly because of his surprise, partly
that he was anxious to have more information about (as he supposed) this
second suitor. She went straight to her own room, while they stood
listening till she had shut the door upon herself and her passion. Then
the Captain ventured to laugh again, but low, not to be heard; for the
look of any creature driven to bay is alarming, and Lottie’s sudden
withdrawal was a relief.
“Whoever gets her will catch a Tartar! eh, Law?” he said. “But now that
she’s gone, let’s hear all about the Signor.”
There was no light in Lottie’s room; nothing but the faint starlight
outside, and as much of the familiar glimmer of the few feeble lamps in
the Dean’s Walk as could get in through her small window. How is it that
so small a bit of space, such four straight walls, should hold in such a
throbbing, palpitating, agitated being, with projects wide enough and
fury hot enough to burst them like a child’s toy? It was in her to have
torn her hair or anything that came in the way of her fevered hands; to
have filled the air with cries; to have filled the whole world with her
protest against the intolerable shame and wretchedness which they were
trying to force upon her thoughts! But she only threw herself on her bed
in the dark and silence, letting no sound or movement betray her. She
was not prostrated as by unkindness, or stung by reproach; but wounded,
shamed, desecrated--the very sanctity of her dreams turned into a horror
to her. And Law gone against her--Law gone over to the other side!
CHAPTER XVI.
THE SIGNOR’S HOUSEHOLD.
The Despard family became a great centre of interest to many people both
within and without the Abbey precincts at this period of their history.
Without any doing, so to speak, of theirs, Fate mixed them up both with
the great and the small, so that their proceedings moved a great many
circles of thought and feeling beyond that in which they themselves
stood. We have said without any doing of theirs--but this, perhaps, is
true only in respect to Lottie, who took no steps consciously to produce
the _rapprochement_ which had taken place so strangely between the
heaven of the Deanery and the earth of the Lodges. She had not done
anything to recommend herself to Lady Caroline or Lady Caroline’s
nephew. And yet with both she had become an important “factor,” to use a
fashionable term, in the immediate concerns of life. The Captain was not
so innocent of purpose in the commotion he had begun to make. But still
he had not calculated upon the interest that would be excited by his
proceedings. The community at St. Michael’s was quiet and had little to
rouse its interest. Sometimes a Canon would be translated to a higher
and a better stall--sometimes an old Chevalier would die and be replaced
by another veteran not much less old than he--sometimes a son would “go
wrong” and create a great deal of whispered communication and shaking of
heads. At the present time there were no daughters to marry except
Lottie, so that the pleasanter strain of possibility was little thought
of. All this made it very inspiring, very agitating to the dwellers
round the Abbey, when a family within the precincts gave them so much to
think about. A girl likely to make a very good match in a romantic way:
a man likely to make a very bad one, in a way which might have been
quite as romantic had it not been on the wrong side, such as would
debase, not exalt his class; these two probabilities coming together had
a great effect upon the popular mind. In the Chevaliers’ Lodges there
was very little else talked about. Captain Temple, the most respected of
all the Chevaliers, could not keep still, so excited was he. He had
spoken to “the father,” he told his wife, to put him on his guard, and
to show him how necessary it was to take proper care of his child. That
was all he could do: but he could not content himself with thus doing
what he could. He paced about his little sitting-room, disturbing Mrs.
Temple at her wool-work. She was not like her husband. She was a still,
composed, almost stern woman, with a passionate heart, to which she gave
very little expression. She could not talk of her daughter as Captain
Temple could. The remembrance of the years during which her child was
separated from her was terrible to her. When her husband talked as he
was accustomed to do of this great grief of theirs, she never stopped
him, but she herself was dumb. She closed all her windows, as it were,
and retired into a fortress of silent anguish, out of which no cry came;
but she listened to him all the same. This was what she did now, though
it pained her to hear of this other girl who stood between life and
death, between good and evil, as once her child had stood. She would
have helped Lottie with all her heart, but she could not bear to hear
her talked of--though this was precisely what she had to bear.
“I told him it was his duty to look after his daughter,” said Captain
Temple, pacing--three steps one way, four the other--about the room.
“But he won’t--you will see he won’t. A beautiful girl, far too good for
him, a girl who deserves a better fate. She puts me in mind of our own
dear girl, Lucy. I have told you so before.”
To this Mrs. Temple made no reply. He had told her so a great many times
before. She selected a new shade of her Berlin wool, and set her elbow
rigidly against the arm of her chair, that she might thread her needle
without trembling, but she made no reply.
“She puts me constantly in mind of her. The way she holds her head, and
her walk, and---- I beg your pardon, my dear. I know you don’t like this
kind of talk; but if you knew how I seem to see her wherever I
go--wherever I go! I wonder if she is permitted to come and walk by her
old father’s side, God bless her. Ah! well, it was Despard’s daughter we
were talking of. To think _he_ should have this girl who takes no care
of her--and we to whom ours was everything!”
The poor woman made a spasmodic movement, and turned her eyes upon him
dumbly. She could not bear it. The needle fell out of her hands, and she
stooped to hunt for it on the carpet. She would not stop him to whom it
was so great a relief to talk; but it was death to her.
“But I told him,” said Captain Temple. “I showed him his duty, Lucy. I
told him he ought to be thankful he had such a daughter to watch over.
And what more could I do? I set the whole thing before him. There was
nothing more that I could do?”
“Then you must be satisfied, William, and perhaps it will have some
effect; we must wait and see,” said Mrs. Temple, coming to the surface
again with her needle, which she had found, in her hand. She managed to
get it threaded this time with great exertion, while her husband set off
again upon his restricted promenade, shaking his white head. Captain
Temple, it may be recollected, had not said so much to Captain Despard
as he thought he had said--but if he had said everything that man could
say it is not probable that it would have made much difference. The kind
old Chevalier shook his white head. His eyes were full of moisture and
his heart of tenderness. He did not feel willing to wait and see, as his
wife suggested. He wanted to do something there and then for Lottie, to
go to her and warn her, to keep watch at her door, and prevent the
entrance of the wolf--anything, he did not mind what it was so long as
he could secure her safety.
The other subject was discussed that same evening in another and very
different scene, when Mrs. Purcell, the Signor’s housekeeper, asked her
old fellow-servant, Pickering, what news there was in the precincts, and
if anything was stirring. It was the most delicious moment for a gossip,
when tea was over in the kitchen, and dinner upstairs, and twilight was
beginning to drop over the country, bringing quiet and coolness after
the blaze of the day. Mrs. Purcell sat by the open window, which was cut
in the very boundary wall of the Abbey precincts, as in the side of a
precipice. It was not safe for anyone of uncertain nerves to look
straight down upon the slope of St. Michael’s Hill, on which the walls
were founded, and on the steep street winding below. But Mrs. Purcell
had her nerves in the most steady and well-regulated condition. She was
not afraid to sit at the head of the precipice, and even to look out and
look down when the shop windows began to be lighted. She liked to see
the lights coming out below. It was cheerful and felt like “company”
when she sat alone. Old Pickering had just come in after an errand into
the town. He was the man-servant, while she was the housekeeper, but the
work of the establishment was chiefly done by a sturdy young woman who
was under the orders of both.
“News--I don’t know much about news,” said old Pick. “It wants young
folks to make news; and there ain’t many of that sort about here.”
“Dear!” said Mrs. Purcell (but it must not be supposed that this
exclamation meant any special expression of affection to old Pickering).
“There’s heaps of young folks! There’s the Signor, and there’s my
John----”
“Master? you may call him young, if it don’t go again your
conscience--my notion is as he never was no younger than he is now. So
you may put what name to it you please. But you don’t ask me for news of
master, nor Mr. John neither--him, oh ah, there’ll be news of him one of
these days. He’ll get a cathedral, or he’ll be had up to London. We’ll
see him, with his baton in his hand, afore the biggest chorus as can be
got together; and won’t he lead ’em grand!” said old Pick. “When he was
but a little thing in his white surplice I seen it in his eye.”
“You were always one that did my John justice,” said the housekeeper,
warmly. “Just to think of it, Pick--one day a bit of a mite in his
surplice, and the next, as you may say, with his baton, leading the
chief in the land! We bring children into the world, but we can’t tell
what’s to come of them,” she added, with pious melancholy. “Them as is
fortunate shouldn’t be proud. The young men as I’ve seen go to the bad
since I’ve been here!”
“That should be a real comfort to you,” said Pickering, and they paused
both, to take full advantage of this consolation. Then, drawing a long
breath, Mrs. Purcell resumed--
“And so it should, Pick--when I see my boy that respectable, and as good
as any gentleman’s son, and reflect on what I’ve seen! But pride’s not
for the like of us--seeing the Lord can bring us low as fast as He’s set
us up.” The good woman dropped her voice, with that curious dread lest
envious fate should take her satisfaction amiss, which seems inherent in
humanity. As for old Pick, sentiment was not in his way. He took up a
little old-fashioned silver salver which stood on the table with some
notes upon it, waiting the sound of the Signer’s bell, and began to
polish it with his handkerchief. “Them girls,” he said, “there’s no
trust to be put in them. The times I’ve told her to be careful with my
plate. She says she haven’t the time, but you and me knows better than
that. What is there to do in this house? We gives no trouble, and as for
master, he’s dining out half his time.”
“She’ll find the difference,” said Mrs. Purcell, “when she’s under a
lady. There’s many a thing I does myself. Instead of calling Maryanne
till I’m hoarse, I takes and does it myself; but a lady will never do
that. Ah, Pick, it’s experience as teaches. They don’t put any faith in
what we tell them; and her head full of soldiers, and I don’t know
what--as if a soldier ever brought anything but harm to a servant girl.”
“They are all alike,” said old Pick. “There’s them Despards in the
Lodges--all the Abbey’s talking of them. The Captain--you know the
Captain? the one as sings out as if it all belonged to him--though he’s
neither tenor, nor alto, nor bass, but a kind of a jumble, and as often
as not sings the air!” said the old chorister, with contempt which was
beyond words. Mrs. Purcell looked upon the Captain from another point of
view.
“He’s a fine handsome man,” she said. “He looks like a lord when he
comes marching up the aisle, not an old Methusaleh, like most of ’em.”
“Ah!” cried Pickering, with a groan, “that’s the way the women are led
away. He’s a fine fellow, he is! oh, yes, he’s like a lord, with bills
in every shop in the town, and not a penny to pay ’em.”
“Them shops!” said Mrs. Purcell. “I don’t wonder, if a gentleman’s of a
yielding disposition. They offer you this, and they offer you that, and
won’t take an answer. It’s their own fault. They didn’t ought to put
their temptations in folk’s way. It’s like dodging a bait about a poor
fish’s nose; and then swearing it will make up lovely, and be far more
becoming than what you’ve got on. I think it’s scandalous, for my part.
They deserve to lose their money now and again.”
“They say he’s going to be married,” said old Pick, stolidly.
“Married! You’re dreaming, Pick! Lord bless us,” said Mrs. Purcell,
“that’s news, that is! Married? I don’t believe a word of it; at his
age!”
“You said just now he wasn’t a Methusaleh, and no more he is; he’s a
fine handsome man. He thinks a deal of himself, and that’s what makes
other folks think a deal of him. The women’s as bad as the shops,” said
old Pick; “they bring it on themselves. Here’s a man as is never out of
mischief. I’ve seen him regularly coming home--well--none the better for
his liquor; and gamblin’ day and night, playing billiards, betting, I
don’t know what. We all know what that comes to; and a grown-up family
besides----”
“Dear!” said Mrs. Purcell, in great concern. She knew a good deal about
Miss Despard, and her feelings were very mingled in respect to her. In
the first place, to know that her John was in love with _a lady_
flattered and excited her, and had made her very curious about Lottie,
every detail of whose looks, and appearance generally, she had studied.
A Chevalier’s daughter might not be any very great thing; but it was a
wonderful rise in the world for Mrs. Purcell’s son to be able to permit
himself to fall in love with such a person. On the other hand, Miss
Despard was poor, and might interfere with John’s chance of rising in
the world. But anyhow, everything about her was deeply interesting to
John’s mother. She paused to think what effect such a change would have
upon her son before she asked any further questions. What would Miss
Despard do? It was not likely she would care for a stepmother after
being used to be mistress of the house--would she be ready to accept
anyone that asked her, in order to get “a home of her own”? And would
John insist upon marrying her? and would he be able to keep a wife?
These questions all hurried through Mrs. Purcell’s mind on receipt of
this startling news. “Dear! dear!” she said--and for a long time it was
all she could say. The interests were so mixed that she did not know
what to desire. Now or never, perhaps, was the time for John to secure
the wife he wanted; but even in that case, would it be right for him to
marry? Mrs. Purcell did not know what to think. “Did you hear who the
lady was?” she asked, in a faint voice.
“Lady?--no lady at all--a girl that works for her living. I know her
well enough by sight. One of the dressmaker’s girls in the River Lane.
Ladies is silly enough, but not so silly as that; though I don’t know
neither,” said old Pick, “what women-folks will do for a husband is
wonderful. They’ll face the world for a husband. It don’t matter what
sort he is, nor if he’s worth having----”
“They haven’t took that trouble for you, anyhow,” said Mrs. Purcell
faintly, standing up amid her preoccupations for her own side.
“I’ve never given ’em the chance,” said Pick, with a chuckle. “Lord
bless you! they’ve tried a plenty, but I’ve never given ’em the chance.
Many’s the story I could tell you. They’ve done their best, poor things.
Some has been that enterprising, I never could keep in the same room
with ’em. But I’ve kep’ single, and I’ll keep single till my dying day.
So will master, if I can judge. There’s some has the way of it, and some
hasn’t. It would be a clever one,” said old Pickering, caressing his
chin with an astute smile, “to get the better of me.”
The housekeeper threw at him a glance of mingled indignation and
derision. She gave her head a toss. It was not possible for feminine
flesh and blood to hear this unmoved. “You’re so tempting,” she said,
with angry energy. “’Andsome and well to do, and worth a woman’s while.”
“Bless you, they don’t stick at that,” said the old man with a grin. “I
could tell you of things as has happened--some to myself--some to other
folks----”
“Dear!” cried Mrs. Purcell, “and me to think you were an old stick of an
old bachelor, because nobody would have you, Pick! There’s some, as a
body reads it in their face--as dry as an east wind, and cutting like an
east wind does, that is never happy but when it’s blighting up
something. I daresay it’s all a story about Captain Despard--just like
the rest.”
“None of ’em likes it, when you speak free,” said old Pick, chuckling to
himself. “Some pretends, just to please a man; but women does hang
together, whoever says different, and they none of them likes to hear
the truth. About Captain Despard, it’s a story if you please, but it’s
true. The girl she makes no secret, she tells everybody as she’ll soon
make a difference in the house. She’ll pack off the son to do for
himself, and the daughter----”
“What of the daughter, Pick? Oh, the shameless hussy, to talk like that
of a poor motherless young girl----”
“If she wasn’t motherless, what would Polly have to do with her? It
can’t be expected as a second wife should cry her eyes out because the
first’s gone.”
“Polly!” said Mrs. Purcell, with bated breath; “and she says she’ll pack
the son about his business; and the daughter?--What is she going to do
about the daughter, when she’s got the poor misfortunate man under her
thumb? And who’s Polly, that you know so much about her? She’s a pretty
kind of acquaintance, so far as I can see, for a man as considers
himself respectable, and comes out of a gentleman’s house.”
“That’s the other side,” said Pick, still chuckling to himself. “I said
women hangs together. So they do, till you come to speak of one in
particular, and then they fly at her. I don’t know nothing against
Polly. If the Captain’s in love with her, it ain’t her fault; if she
wants to better herself, it’s no more than you or me would do in her
place. She’s as respectable as most of the folks I know. To work for
your living ain’t a disgrace.”
“It’s no disgrace; but a stepmother that is a dressmaking girl will be
something new to Miss Despard. Oh, I can’t smile! A dressmaker as----
And young, I suppose, like herself? Oh, trust a man for that; she’s sure
to be young. Poor thing, poor thing! I’m that sorry for her, I can’t
tell what to do. A lady, Pick; they may be poor, but I’ve always heard
there was no better gentlefolks anywhere to be found. And a woman that
the likes of you calls Polly. Oh, that’s enough, that’s enough for me! A
nice, good, respectable girl, that knows what’s her due--you don’t call
_her_ Polly. Polly--there’s a deal in a name.”
“Aha!” said old Pick, rubbing his hands, “I knew as soon as I named one
in particular what you would say. Fly at her, that’s what all you women
do. A name is neither here nor there. I’ve known as good women called
Polly as was ever christened Mary; eh? ain’t they the same name? I had a
sister Polly; I had a----”
“Dear, dear!” said Mrs. Purcell, softly. She was paying no attention to
him; her mind was much disturbed. She turned away instinctively from the
gathering gloom of evening in which her old companion stood, and cast
her anxious eyes upon the wide landscape outside--the sky between grey
and blue, the lights beginning to twinkle far down in the steep street.
There was something in the great space and opening which seemed to give
counsel and support in her perturbation. For she did not know what to do
for the best. At such a moment would not John have a better chance than
he might ever have? And yet, if he got his heart’s desire, was it quite
certain that it would be good for John? The Signor’s housekeeper was
just as anxious about her boy as if she had been a great lady. Twinges
of maternal jealousy, no doubt, went through her mind. If John married,
he would be separated from his mother, and his wife would look down upon
her and teach him to despise her--a mother who was in service. What
could she expect if her son married a lady? All these thoughts went
through her mind as she looked out with anxiety, which drew deep lines
upon her forehead. But, on the whole, she was not selfish, and
considered it all anxiously, ready to make any sacrifice for that which
in the long run would be most good for John.
In the meantime old Pickering talked on. When he was set a-going it was
difficult to bring him to a stop. He was quite aware that at the present
moment he ought not to stay there talking; he knew he ought to be
lighting the lamps, and kept listening with expectant ear for a sharp
tinkle of the Signor’s bell, which should warn him of his retarded
duties. But for all that he talked on. Dinner was over for some time,
and Pick knew very well that he ought to carry in the notes which he had
piled again upon the salver after giving it that polish with his
handkerchief. However, though he knew his duty, he took no steps towards
performing it, but moved leisurely about, and put various articles back
into the old polished cupboard with glass doors, which showed all the
best china, and was the pride of Mrs. Purcell’s heart. When Maryanne
came in, he emptied the salver again and showed her how imperfectly she
had cleaned it. “I can’t think how folks can be so stupid,” Pickering
said. “How do you think you are ever to better yourself if you don’t
take a lesson when it’s giv’ you? and proud you should be that anyone
would take the trouble. If I see it like this again I’ll--I don’t know
what I shan’t do.” He knew very well that it was what ought to have been
his own work that he was thus criticising, and, as it happened, so did
Maryanne, whose spirit was working up to a determination not to be
longer put upon. But for all that he found fault, (always waiting to
hear the bell ringing sharply, with a quaver of impatience in it,) and
she submitted, though she was aware that she was being put upon. Mrs.
Purcell, in the window, paid no attention to them. She kept gazing out
upon the wide world of grey-blue clouds, and asking herself what would
be best for John.
They were disturbed in all these occupations by a step which came
briskly downstairs, perhaps betokening, Pickering thought, that the
Signor was going out again, and that his own delay about the lamps had
been a wise instinct. But, after all, it was not the Signor’s step; it
was young Purcell, who came along the little winding passage full of
corners, and entered the housekeeper’s room, scattering the little party
assembled there. Maryanne fled as a visitor from the outer world flies
from the chamber of a servant of the court, at the advent of the queen.
Though she would assure herself sometimes that Mrs. Purcell’s son was
“no better nor me,” yet in his presence Maryanne recognised the
difference. He was “the young master” even in Pick’s eyes, who stopped
talking, and put the notes back once more upon the salver with a great
air of business, as if in the act of hastening with them to the Signor.
Mrs. Purcell was the only one who received her son with tranquillity.
She turned her eyes upon him quietly, with a smile, with a serene pride
which would not have misbecome an empress. No one in the house, not the
Signor himself, had ascended to such a height of being as the
housekeeper; no one else had produced such a son.
“Go and light the candles in the study, Pick,” said young Purcell. “The
Signor is in the dark, and he’s composing. Quick and carry him the
lights. Don’t bother him with those letters now. He is doing something
beautiful,” he said, turning to his mother. “There’s a phrase in it I
never heard equalled. He has been sitting out on the terrace getting
inspiration. I must run back and keep old Pick from disturbing him,
making a noise----”
“Stay a moment, Johnny, my own dear----”
“What’s the matter, mother? Oh, I know; you’ve heard of this last offer.
But if I take any I’ll take St. Ermengilde’s, where I could still go on
living at home, the Signor says. It’s less money, but so long as I can
help him and see _her_ now and again, and please you----”
“Ah, John, your mother’s last; but that’s natural,” said Mrs. Purcell,
shaking her head, “quite natural. I don’t complain. Is it another organ
you’ve got the offer of? Well, to be sure! and there are folks that say
merit isn’t done justice to! John, I’ve been hearing something,” said
the housekeeper, putting out her hand to draw him to her; “something as
perhaps you ought to know.”
The young man looked at her eagerly. In this place he bore a very
different aspect from that under which he had appeared to Lottie. Here
it was he who was master of the situation, the centre of a great many
hopes and wishes. He looked at her closely in the dusk, which made it
hard to see what was in her face. He was a good son, but he was his
mother’s social superior, and there was a touch of authority, even in
the kindness of his voice.
“Something I ought to know? I know it already: that Mr. Ridsdale has
been visiting at the Lodges. That is nothing so extraordinary. If you
think a little attention from a fashionable fop will outweigh the
devotion of years!” said the young man, with a flush of high-flown
feeling. He had a great deal of sentiment and not very much education,
and naturally he was high-flown. “People may say what they like,” he
went on in an agitated voice, “but merit does carry the day. They’ve
offered me St. Ermengilde over the heads of half-a-dozen. Is it
possible, can you suppose, that she should be so blind!”
“That wasn’t it,” said Mrs. Purcell quietly; “it’s something quite
different, my dear. Shut the door, that we mayn’t have old Pick coming
in again (it was he that told me), and you shall hear.”
END OF VOL. I.
COLLECTION
OF
BRITISH AUTHORS
TAUCHNITZ EDITION.
VOL. 1824.
WITHIN THE PRECINCTS BY MRS. OLIPHANT.
IN THREE VOLUMES.
VOL. II.
WITHIN
THE PRECINCTS
BY
MRS. OLIPHANT,
AUTHOR OF “THE CHRONICLES OF CARLINGFORD,” ETC.
_COPYRIGHT EDITION._
IN THREE VOLUMES.
VOL. II.
LEIPZIG
BERNHARD TAUCHNITZ
1879.
_The Right of Translation is reserved._
CONTENTS
OF VOLUME II.
Page
CHAPTER XVII. The Musician at Home 7
-- XVIII. Young Purcell 26
-- XIX. Business, or Love? 44
-- XX. An unconscious Trial 60
-- XXI. Searchings of Heart 77
-- XXII. A Chance for Law 97
-- XXIII. Good Advice 115
-- XXIV. A Crisis 134
-- XXV. What Followed 150
-- XXVI. The Fool’s Paradise 167
-- XXVII. A Terrible Interruption 184
-- XXVIII. The Captain’s Wife 202
-- XXIX. The Heavings of the Earthquake 223
-- XXX. Lottie’s Fate 244
-- XXXI. What other People thought 261
-- XXXII. What Rollo had to Marry on 277
WITHIN THE PRECINCTS.
CHAPTER XVII.
THE MUSICIAN AT HOME.
The Signor’s house was one of those which, when general peacefulness had
made the battlements round St. Michael’s unnecessary, had grown within
the outer wall. It was more like a growth than a building. Windows which
looked, as we have said, as if cut in the side of a precipice, gave
light to the small panelled chambers which were connected by bits of
quaint passages, here and there by a little flight of stairs, with tiny
vestibules and landing-places, wasting the little space there was. Room
after room had no doubt been added as necessity arose, and each new room
had to be connected somehow with the others. The house occupied more
space than a comfortable ugly modern house with tolerably sized rooms
would have done, and when the Signor came into possession it had been a
miracle of picturesque awkwardness, not a room in it capable of holding
more than three or four people at a time, yet as many rooms as would
have lodged a dozen--the least possible use for the greatest possible
expenditure of space. The Signor, however, had built on the inner side a
dining-room in red brick, which made existence possible, though it
failed in the point of beauty. To tell the truth, the musician’s
dining-room was an eyesore to all the antiquaries and all the critics.
Nobody knew by what neglect of the architect, by what partiality of the
Board of Works, it had been permitted to be built. It was of no style at
all, neither Gothic, like the original building, nor Queen Anne, like
the fashion. He had failed in his duty in every respect. It was a square
box with a large window filling up one side. It was lighted with gas. It
had red curtains in bold and uncompromising rep, and a large mahogany
sideboard of the worst period. How he had been allowed to build this
monstrosity nobody knew. It had been made the subject of a painful
discussion in the Chapter itself, where Canon Skeffington (the Honble.
and Revd.) complained so bitterly of the injury done to his best
principles and highest feelings, that the Dean was irritated, and took
up the cudgels on his side on behalf of his favourite musician. “He has
a right, I suppose, to make himself comfortable like the rest of us,”
the head of the community said. “No right to make my life a burden to
me,” said the Honourable Canon; and, he added, almost weeping, “I cannot
look out of my window without seeing the thing. You talk at your ease,
you others----” But what was to be done? The Chapter could not take so
bold a step as to invade the rights of private property, tear down the
Signor’s red curtains, burn his sideboard, destroy his walls. He had to
be left to the enjoyment of his villainous erection. The Signor laughed
in his sleeve, but in public was remorseful, bemoaning his own ignorance
of art, and declaring that if he could afford it, rather than give pain
to Canon Skeffington--but then he could not afford it--and what was to
be done? He kept his dining-room, which was big enough to accommodate
his friends, but for himself the Signor had better taste than he
professed to have. His favourite sitting-room was in the same position
and had the same view as that of his housekeeper, but its window was
between two buttresses of the wall, which held in their gigantic arms a
little square shelf of green turf, a small projection of the hill, which
above and below was covered with masonry, leaving this little ledge of
grass, like one of the hanging gardens of Scripture, hung high in the
air above the town and the landscape. The Signor’s window opened upon
this little terrace. His room within was low and dark, but in summer at
least this mattered little, for its dim light and shadowy walls made a
pleasant shelter, like a bower in a wood, from the lightness and
brightness outside. There was a heavy beam across the roof, from which
hung a little chandelier of old Venice glass, reflected in a tall old
mirror among the oak panels over the mantelpiece, and not much more
bright than they were. On one side were the carved doors of a cupboard
in the wall, which was full of old music, the Signor’s chief treasures,
and on the other was a range of low bookshelves, also filled with music
books of every size and kind. The piano stood in the corner near the
window, with the keyboard close to the light. There were a few chairs
about the room, and a writing-table piled with papers. This was all the
furniture of the dim little chamber, and it was impossible to imagine a
greater contrast than existed between it and the new building which had
so shocked Canon Skeffington. And the Signor was not in this particular
much unlike his house. A touch of sentiment, which some people were
disposed to call high-flown, mingled in him with a curious undercurrent
of cynicism, which few people suspected at all. He liked to jar upon the
Canon Skeffingtons of existence and ruffle their tempers and their
finest feelings. But in his heart he had feelings equally fine, and was
as easily _froissé_ as they. He mocked at them on the very points in
which he himself was weak, affecting an insensibility which he did not
feel, building the vile modern room with profound enjoyment of their
delicate distress, but retiring out of it himself to the shelter of this
dim romantic chamber. The combination was very like the Signor.
On this particular evening, when young Purcell went to call for lights,
the Signor was seated out on his little terrace enjoying the twilight
and a cigarette together. There were two chairs on the scrap of grass,
and a little table with an inkstand upon it, and the cup in which the
Signor had taken his black coffee after dinner. He was leaning back in
his chair puffing out the fragrant smoke from his cigarette, lazily
watching it as it floated upwards, and now and then noting down a bar or
two of music upon a piece of paper in his hand. Sometimes he took the
cigarette from his mouth and hummed a scrap of an air, keeping time with
his head and hand. There was no one who was more popular in the country
as a composer of graceful drawing-room songs than Signor Rossinetti. It
was something refined, something elegant that was expected from him,
delicate soprano melodies, fine combinations for tenors and altos. It
was very seldom that he took any trouble about the bass, but his tenor
songs were justly considered exquisite. He liked to have a pretty set of
verses on hand, and “set” them in the intervals of more serious
business. The summer evening, when he sat out after dinner upon his
scrap of terrace, was the time when he had most inspiration. His pupil
and _protégé_, young Purcell, thought there was no intellectual pleasure
higher and more elevating, than to sit out here in the shadow of the
great grey buttresses, with the cheerful distant noises of the High
Street floating upward from the foot of the wall, and to watch the
Signor composing his song. The young fellow would run in to the piano
and “try over” every line of the symphony as it came welling out from
that fount of music. He said often that, except one thing, there was no
such delight in the world. To see genius working under his very eyes,
what a privilege it was! To Purcell it seemed that his master read his
heart, and uttered his deepest sentiments for him in those compositions.
To-night his mind had been lulled out of great commotion and disturbance
by the rosy vision of love and happiness that had breathed through the
notes. It was glad, it was sad, it was full of suggestion, it wrung the
very heart of Purcell--“’Twas in the time of roses, they plucked them as
they passed.” Would that time ever come for him? He thought the Signor
had read the depths of his heart, the wistful longing which was
sometimes hope and sometimes despair, the pictures he made to himself of
one day wandering by _her_ side, one day gathering roses for her. He
murmured over and over the tune of the refrain in a kind of ecstasy as
he went to his mother’s room, his fancy excited, his head all on fire,
half with the delicious sense of being friend to such a genius, and
sharing, as it were, the very inspiration that produced such beautiful
things--and half with the pride and delight of being so deeply in love
and hanging on so exquisite an edge of anguish. The Signor himself did
not know how much those pretty compositions of his went to his pupil’s
heart; but he was flattered--as who would not be?--by this never-failing
appreciation of his work, and youthful enthusiasm. It pleased him
vaguely, just as the floating sounds from below, the voices and noises,
all softened by the warm air of the summer evening, and even by the
dimness of the twilight, pleased him. How harmonious they became as they
soared upwards, all that was harsh taken out of them, filling the
solitude with a genial sense of human fellowship! Perhaps the Signor
was, like many others, not too fond of his fellow-creatures close at
hand; but as they went and came, far down at his feet, talking, calling
to each other, shouting their wares, singing now and then, making a
sound of their steps upon the pavement, and a movement of their
breathing in the air, he was transported with the hum, and felt that he
loved them. This always gave him inspiration, this and the glimmer of
the river and of the distant villages scattered over the plain, throwing
up here and there a dim point of a spire among the trees. When Purcell
left him, he put aside the bit of music-paper on which he had been
jotting down his chords. He raised his eyes to the profound unfathomable
blue above, and swung back upon his chair. He was half giddy with the
sense of circling depths of infinity above him, though himself raised so
high. The Signor was not without a feeling that he was raised very high,
not only in locality, but in soul; yet there was a heaven above which
made his head giddy when he looked up--a heaven full of stars, from
Palestrina to Mendelssohn, all shining over him, serene, unapproachable,
not even holding out any encouragement to him, passive and splendid as
the other stars which hid themselves in that still-luminous blue. Would
any one ever look up at that sky and recall his name as also among the
ranks of the unapproachable? The Signor turned his eyes from it with a
sigh as he heard some one enter the room, and came down to earth,
letting his chair drop upon its four legs, and his mind return to the
present. He watched through the open window the advent of old Pickering
carrying the lamp. The old man put it down on the table, and lighted
some candles on the mantelpiece in front of the dim mirror, which gave
them back with a blurred, enlarged reflection. His master sat outside
and watched him pottering about the room, setting the chairs against the
wall, and vainly attempting to make everything “straight.” It was a
standing grievance to old Pick that he was not allowed to close the
window and draw the curtains as it was right to do. The Signor outside
sat and watched him with a gentle amusement. He liked to feel the
oddness and superiority of his own tastes, thrown into evidence by the
mighty anxiety of old Pick to shut the window. A smile came over his
face. To ordinary mortals, in ordinary houses, it was not necessary to
seek inspiration from the skies and the wide world of evening air. As
Pick approached the window, with his usual look of wistful anxiety to be
allowed to do what was right, and tacit disapproval of lawless habits,
the Signor stepped through, smiling. “I think you will shut me out some
night, Pick,” he said, “and then you will have my blood on your
soul--for what could I do upon the terrace? I should fall asleep and
tumble over, and be picked up in little pieces at the foot of the hill.”
“Ah! I don’t feel no fear of that, sir,” said Pickering, shaking his
head; “you’ve got too good a voice for that, sir. I don’t make no doubt
that you could hold an A sharp till you frighted the whole Abbey. And
besides I always looks out; I’ve got the habit in this house. Even the
girl, she’ll go and stand at the window, as if the view was any matter
to her; it’s a thing as carries one away. But I don’t hold with leaving
all open when the lights are lighted. Bless you, the top windows in the
street with a spyglass, or even with good eyes like what I had when I
was young, they could see in.”
“Much good it would do them,” said the Signor, sitting down before his
piano. And indeed it is quite true that as he sat close to the window,
relieved against the light of the lamp within, there were eyes at the
top windows opposite which could catch with difficulty the outline of
the Signor’s pale profile and black moustache. Some of the young ladies
in the shops would climb up occasionally and show that exciting
prospect to a friend. But it was an amusement which palled after the
first moment, and certainly did no harm to the Signor.
“Maybe not much good, sir,” said old Pick, who always would have the
last word; “but it might do harm. You never can tell what folks will
say. The less they know the more they’ll talk; and that’s true all the
world over; though I will say for the Abbey as it’s as bad or worse than
most other places.”
“Why should it be worse, Pick?”
“I don’t know, sir--unless it’s the clergy and the chevaliers. You see,
when gentlemen has little or nothing to do, they’re brought down to the
level of the women, so far as that goes--and as gentlemen always does
things more thorough than the women when they’re once started, the
consequence nat’rally is--Leastways that’s my notion of it,” said
Pick;--“the women haven’t the strength to start a real talking as does
harm. They tries hard--as hard as they knows how--but bless you, in that
as in most things, they wants a man to show ’em the way.”
“That is a new view, Pick. I thought if there was one thing in which the
ladies had the advantage of us----”
“There ain’t one thing, sir, not one. For my part, I can tell in a
minute a story as will hang together, a real crusher, one as will drive
folks distracted and ruin a family. You’ll never get that out of a
woman’s tongue. Nay, nay, they hasn’t the force for it; they’re poor
creatures at the best; they can make a person uncomfortable, but they
can’t do no more. And when I say the Abbey’s as bad or maybe worse, I
mean that the gentlemen has little to do, and they has to amuse
themselves the same as the women. That’s what I mean to say.”
The Signor gave a half attention to Pick’s long speech while he sat at
his piano. All the time he was running over his new composition with one
hand, correcting a note here and there, changing a harmony. “’Twas in
the time of roses--the time of roses,” he hummed softly under his
breath. But the smile on his lip was for Pick, and he gave him a
negligent half attention, amused by his chatter, and by the peculiar
views he held forth. He looked up at him as Pick stopped, singing with a
little flourish in the accompaniment, which meant satisfaction in having
at last got the phrase to his mind--“’Twas in the time of roses--the
time of roses----” Old Pick was not surprised by the utterance of a
sentiment so foreign to his subject. He knew his master’s ways, and he
took a certain interest in his master’s productions, such as old
servants often benevolently accord to the doings of their “family.” He
could not tell what folks saw in them--still, as the Signor’s
productions, he looked upon them with kindly toleration all the same.
“You may say, sir,” he cried, “‘the time o’ roses’--that’s just the
very thing; for, I daresay, but for that rose in his button-hole, and
the jaunty looks of him, a young girl wouldn’t have seen nothing in him.
But I don’t know neither--women is the queerest things on the face of
this whole earth. Flatter them, or make them think they’re bettering
themselves, and there’s nothing they won’t do.”
“Who is it that wears flowers in his button-hole?” said the Signor. He
wore them himself, and he was curious and slightly excited, wondering if
any gossip could by any chance have got up about himself. The idea of
such a thing kindled him into interest; his right hand dropped off from
the piano, though with the other hand he kept softly sounding notes in
the bass, and he turned towards his old servant with a look of animation
altogether new. What interest is there like that with which one
anticipates hearing something about oneself?
But at this moment Purcell’s steps were heard coming quickly along the
passage, and he came in with his head erect, and his eyes gleaming, and
pushed old Pick out of his way. “That will do, Pick,” he said, with a
glimmer of impatience, “that will do! I will set things right for the
master, myself.”
“What is the matter, boy?”
“Matter or no matter, if you think I’ll leave it to the first that comes
to look after my master--” said old Pick, standing his ground. He would
not yield; he was very friendly in general to Mr. John, and ready to do
what he ordered, but there are limits to everything. He stood his ground
steadily, arranging and re-arranging the papers on the table, while
young Purcell went forward to the Signor. The young fellow put himself
behind the musician, between him and the window, and stooped to whisper
in his ear. His glowing eyes, his eager aspect, made a great impression
on the Signor, who was very impressionable. He was possessed by some new
thought. “Master,” he said, breathless, “I have a hundred things to say
to you. I have heard something new. I want your advice, I want your
help.” He was breathless, as if he had been running a race, though all
he had really done had been to come along a few yards of passage. The
Signor was easily moved by the sight of emotion, and he was fond of his
_protégé_. “Go, Pick,” he said immediately, “and bring us some tea.”
“Tea, sir!” said the old man in consternation. “You never takes it. If
it’s nothing but to get rid of old Pick, I’ll go. I’ll go; never fear
but I’ll go.”
“I want some tea,” said the Signor authoritatively; “foolish old man,
would you spoil my new song for want of a cup of tea? Go to Mrs.
Purcell, and tell her, with my compliments, I want some of her special
brew--the very best, as she used to make it for me when I had headaches.
Quick, my head threatens to ache now. Well! what is it, boy? Has the
Queen sent for you to be the head of her orchestra, or is the Dean
coming to pay us a visit? It must be something very important to judge
by your face.”
“Oh, sir,” cried young Purcell, “what a heart you have! making up a
headache and a whole story to save old Pick’s feelings--and me that am
really no better than he is, pushing him out of the way!”
“Nobody is any better than any other,” said the Signor in his measured
tones. “I have tried to teach you so all your life. But I will allow
that some are worse than others,” he added, with a smile. His disciple
was too much occupied, however, with the urgency of his own case to
notice what he said.
“Master,” said the young man, “I have hurried back to tell you I have
changed my mind; I will take the organ at Sturminster after all.”
An almost imperceptible change came over the Signor’s face--that slight
stiffening of the muscles of the mouth--continuance of the easy and
genial smile of real satisfaction into the forced and uncomfortable one
of pretended equanimity--which is the sign above all others of
disappointment and displeasure, became visible in his face. “Well----”
he said slowly; “why not--if you think it will be more to your
advantage? After all, that is the grand test.”
“It is not that,” said young Purcell, shrinking a little; “you can’t
think that I would leave you only for my advantage. No, master, it is
not that. You must hear it all before you judge.”
“Certainly,” said the Signor. He kept the same smile rigid upon his
face. “And in the meantime here is old Pick with the tea,” he added,
“and we must drink it for the sake of his feelings. What, Pick, is it
made already? I don’t think your mother can be so careful as usual, boy,
about her brew.”
“I don’t put no faith in tea that stands long to draw, sir,” said Pick.
“I like it myself with all the scent in it. Water as boils hard, and not
a minute lost. That’s my maxim. It’s fresh made with plenty of tea in,
and I’ll warrant it good. Smell that,” he said, taking off the lid of
the teapot. The Signor listened to him quietly, taking no notice of
Purcell’s impatience. He smiled on the old man and let him talk. He was
wounded and offended by his pupil’s sudden change after the decision of
an hour ago; and though he had a great desire to hear what reason could
be given for this difference of feeling, his annoyance and disgust at
the change found expression in this apparent carelessness of it. He kept
Pick talking with secret malice, while Purcell fretted. The young fellow
did not know how to contain himself. He collected the music-books that
were on the piano, and put them back on the shelves. Then he took them
down again; he shifted the candles; he roamed from corner to corner,
moving the chairs about, throwing into disorder the things on the
table; now and then he cast a piteous look at his master; but the Signor
sat, in serene malice sounding the bass notes in his accompaniment,
putting artful questions to old Pickering, and leading him on to talk.
It was the old man himself at length who brought the suspense to an end
by recollecting something it was necessary for him to do. “They’d have
kep’ me there all night,” he said to Mrs. Purcell, with pretended
impatience, as he got back to the housekeeper’s room. “Dear!” said Mrs.
Purcell, astonished; she could not understand how the Signor could waste
time talking to old Pick at a moment so momentous for her John.
When old Pickering was gone, the Signor still said nothing. He turned to
the piano and began to play; he was like a woman offended, who will not
approach the subject on which she is dying to be informed. At last
Purcell, approaching humbly with wistful eyes, ventured to put one hand
lightly upon his arm.
“Master,” said the young man, “let me speak to you. I cannot do anything
till I have spoken to you.”
“To me, boy? Speak then, as much as you please,” said the Signor,
nodding at him with an air of ingenuous wonder while he rang out the end
of the melody. “’Twas in the time of roses,” he sang; then swinging
himself round on his stool, “You want to speak to me? Why didn’t you say
so sooner? Speak then, I am all attention,” he said.
Then Purcell began, once more breathless with agitation and excitement:
“I think there seems a chance for me, sir,” he said; “my mother has just
been telling me. It is such a chance as never may happen again. You know
I love St. Michael’s better than anything in the world--except one
thing. Master, _she_ is in trouble; her home is about to be made
impossible to her; now or never; if I had a home to offer her, she might
accept it. This is why I said I would take Sturminster. St. Ermengilde
is more to my mind, a thousand times more to my mind; and to be near
you, to have the benefit of your advice, that would be everything for
me. But, dear master,” said the young man, “must I not think of her
first? and here is a chance for me, perhaps the only chance I may have
in my life.”
“Has anything happened to Miss Despard?” said the Signor in great
surprise. He recognised the justice of the plea, and he listened with
great interest and sympathy, and a curious feeling which was neither
sympathy nor interest. Lottie was to the Signor a mysterious creature,
exciting an altogether different kind of feeling from that which he felt
for his pupil. He was almost sentimentally attached to his pupil, and
entered into the history and prospects of his love with an enthusiasm
quite unlike that with which a mature Englishman generally interests
himself in anybody’s love-affairs. But along with this sentiment there
existed another almost directly opposite to it, an interest in Lottie
as a being of a totally different class from Purcell, of whom it would
be profoundly curious to know the history, and the means by which she
might perhaps be brought to look favourably on--nay, to marry--Purcell;
which seemed to the Signor quite “on the cards.” How she might be
brought to this, in what way she would reconcile herself to be Purcell’s
wife; how she would bow a spirit, evidently so proud, to the young
musician’s origin and to his ways of talking, which, though refined
enough, were still at the bottom those of a man whose mother was “in
service:” all this was captivating as a matter of study to the Signor;
he got, or expected to get, a great deal of amusement out of it,
expecting that Lottie’s struggles in fitting herself for the position
would be wonderful enough: so that his interest cannot be called
entirely benevolent. But between this keen and half-malign interest and
the sentimental interest he took in Purcell’s “happiness,” it may be
imagined that the crisis was nearly as exciting to him as it was to
Purcell himself. He listened to the story with the warmest interest, and
agreed that there was nothing for it but to accept Sturminster. “But you
must not lose a day,” he said; “you must secure the lady at once, there
is not a moment to lose.”
“Secure?” Purcell said, growing red and growing white; “then you think
there is a hope, a--likelihood----”
“Think? I think there is an almost certainty!” cried the Signor. He
became quite excited himself for the sake of his pupil and for his own
sake, for the keen intellectual interest he felt in this curious problem
as to what Lottie would do. “You must go to-morrow,” he cried, with all
the eagerness of a personal interest; “you must not lose a single day.”
CHAPTER XVIII.
YOUNG PURCELL.
Next morning found young Purcell in a state of excitement and nervous
agitation still greater than that of the previous night. He had not
slept during the natural time for sleep, and in consequence, according
to the fashion of youth unaccustomed to watching, had fallen very fast
and heavily asleep, out of sheer fatigue in the morning, waking only
with an indescribable sense of guilt to hear the bells ringing for the
morning service in the Abbey. Such a thing had never happened to him
before, and his shame and sense of wrong-doing were more than reason. He
jumped up in dismay, but even the most hurried toilet could not get him
in time; and his mother appeared at his door as he prepared to rush out
half-dressed, preventing his exit. “You wouldn’t go out without your
breakfast?” she cried with horror. The virtuous and carefully regulated
life of the chorister and musical student trained under the Signor’s eye
and his mother’s constant care, had made a late morning and an omitted
breakfast seem like something criminal. Besides, a sense of the crisis
had got into the air. The Signor had left an anxious message, begging
his _protégé_ not to hurry himself, to take his time, and to keep up his
courage. His mother kissed him wistfully, and served him with a noble
breakfast, as if he wanted strengthening in the most material way, for
the important piece of work before him. Even old Pick looked at him with
respectful curiosity as at a man on the edge of a very serious step
indeed, a curiosity mingled with awe and a little grim humour and
admiration. The boy was going to do what Pick had never had the courage
to do; and though the old man thought the young one a fool, and hugged
himself on his superior wisdom, yet it cannot be denied that he looked
with a certain respect on the bold youth who was about to make such a
venture. He put his breakfast on the table, not grudging the trouble,
though the Signor’s breakfast had long been over, and he shook his head
behind Mr. John’s chair. “Take a good breakfast, it will do you a deal
of good,” he said, as he left the hero of the occasion. Purcell, though
his mother was only the housekeeper, was the son of the house; he took
his meals with the master, though it was his mother who prepared their
dishes in the kitchen. It was a false position, perhaps, but he had not
yet found any trouble in it. He had been a little curly-headed boy in
the choir when Mrs. Purcell came first to take charge of the Signor’s
house; she had been the sole servant then, and had scrubbed and brushed
and cooked, diligently keeping everything in order. Old Pickering had
gone through the same sort of training which had made John Purcell a
gentleman. He, too, had been a chorister, and had progressed into a
lay-clerk, with possibilities of rising to something better. But Pick
was one of the unsuccessful ones; his voice failed him, his science
never had been great, and a little after Mrs. Purcell’s advent he had
come to the Signor also to be provided for. The organist had a large
heart and a somewhat indolent temper; the easiest way to provide for the
old singing-man was to take him into his own household, and this was
what had been done. As for Pick, he had settled very easily into his new
place, having been the son of the master of a little tavern; and though
it cost him an effort to acknowledge the little soprano, whose surplice
he had put on so often, in the light of a young master, yet the effort
was made. Pick was conscientious, he did not do anything by halves; and
the first time that the Signor’s pupil was permitted to play the
voluntary in the Abbey, the old man made his fellow-servants jump, and
gave the youth a shock of mingled alarm and pleasure, by suddenly
addressing him as Mr. John. Nobody had expected such an heroic act of
submission, but Pick knew his place and all that was suitable in the
circumstances. “Him as the Signor puts in his own place has a right to
be respected,” he said; and he never wavered in that noble
self-abnegation, nor let any one suppose that it was painful to him.
All this had happened long before the period of which we are writing;
but what sensation, what emotion, it had caused at the time! Pick stood
now, pausing behind the young musician’s chair, and lifted up his hands
and shook his head. To think this boy, whom he had, so to speak, brought
up, should show so much courage! Pick himself had never made such a
venture, nor even the Signor, who was the master of both; and yet this
boy was going to do it. The old man shook his head, not knowing what
might come of it; but in his heart he felt a respect reaching to
admiration, for the courage which was so much beyond anything he had
ever known.
Courage, however, was the last quality in which, on this particular
morning, young Purcell could be said to excel. To devote your life in
secret to a beloved object; to dream of her night and day; to make
impassioned resolutions, and determine to win glory and wealth for her,
is not so hard for a fanciful youth; but to go into her presence, look
into the face that dazzles you--confront the goddess of your distant
worship, and without any preliminaries to lead up to this great step,
and prepare her for it, quite off-hand and impromptu ask her to marry
you! This is a very different matter. The young man sat alone and tried
to eat his breakfast, trembling to think of what was before him. The
circumstances were such as to add tenfold to the natural tremors of
such a crisis. She was a lady, and far above him--not rich indeed, nor
occupying any very exalted position in reality--but her dignity was very
imposing to the young man, who had always recognised this grace of what
seemed to him rank, as one of her particular charms. Purcell was
painfully aware that he himself had no right to the name of gentleman.
Many a less worthy claimant has borne it, with no thought that it was
inappropriate, and Purcell had anxiously and painfully endeavoured to
acquire all its outside appearances. He knew, as well as any, how to
behave himself in society, and passed muster very well among other young
men. He was a little over-anxious, perhaps, a little too fine in his
language, too deferential and polite, not sufficiently at his ease, to
get much enjoyment out of his social experiences; but this was a fault
on the right side. Notwithstanding his modest sense of his own “merits,”
Purcell could not persuade himself that he was Lottie’s equal. He knew
he was not her equal. She had been as a star to him, far away and out of
reach--and though in the fervour of imaginative passion the hope of
winning her had seemed like heaven, yet the actual enterprise of wooing
her, when brought thus close, seemed very appalling indeed--a quest more
dangerous and alarming than ever knight errant set forth upon. His knees
knocked together, great beads of moisture came upon his forehead--how
was he to do it? how was he to present himself, to explain the hopes
which, looked at thus in cold blood, appeared even to himself
impossible, not to say presumptuous in the highest degree? How was he
ever, he asked himself, to make her aware what he meant? She would not
understand him. She would think he meant something else, anything
else--rather than that he, a poor musician, the son of the Signor’s
house-keeper, wanted to MARRY her, the daughter of a gentleman. It would
be impossible to make her understand him. This seemed the first
difficulty of all, and it was an appalling one. She would not even know
what he meant. In this respect indeed Purcell was mistaken, for Lottie
already knew well enough what were the hopes in his heart--resenting
them highly as one of the wrongs of fate against her; but this he had no
way of knowing. If he could but have got anyone to smooth the way for
him, to tell what it was he wanted to say, to set him a-going, he
thought he could find eloquence enough to carry him on--but how could he
make that _premier pas_? Thus, while the household was all expectant,
excited by what was coming, Purcell sat over his breakfast and trembled,
too frightened to move or think, though with a consciousness that this
desperate step must be taken. The Signor in the Abbey, rolling forth
melodious thunders out of the organ, kept thinking of him with a smile,
and a half sigh. Like Pick, he had a certain admiration for the valour
of the boy thus pushing forward before himself into the mysteries of
life; but the Signor’s thoughts were more tender and less cynical than
those of his servant. He could not help wondering how it was that in his
own person he had let all such chances slip. How was it? As he followed
his pupil in imagination to the feet of his love, that young creature
seemed very fair, very much to be desired. No doubt, to have such a one
by your side, sharing your life with you, would make existence bear a
very different appearance. Why was it he had never done what Purcell was
going to do? This question seemed to flow into the music he was playing,
and to go circling round and round the Abbey in the morning sunshine.
Why? Life was endurable enough, a calm sort of routine, with now and
then a pleasurable sensation in it, but nothing more; and no doubt it
might have been made more of. The Signor could not answer his own
question. He did not want to make himself the rival of his pupil, or to
do anything similar to what young Purcell was doing. He had no wish to
make any violent change in life, which was well enough as it was. But
only it was odd that a simple fellow like John Purcell should thus
boldly have pushed before him into a completer existence--very odd; the
boy was bold. Whether he succeeded or not, his very agitation and ardour
had in them a higher touch of emotion than any that had been in the life
of his master. He laughed within himself at the boy’s temerity--but the
laugh was mingled with a sigh.
And Mrs. Purcell, for her part, was in high excitement, longing for her
boy to be gone on his errand, longing for him to be back again. That her
John should marry a lady was the climax of grandeur and happiness. To be
sure, it ought to have been a rich lady or great lady. He deserved a
princess, his mother felt. Still, as things were, it was a kind of
intoxication to think even of the daughter of a Chevalier. Why did he
linger, as if breakfast was worth thinking of? She listened for every
sound, for the door shutting, for his step in the hall, and was very
cross when Maryanne made a noise, so that she could not hear what was
going on upstairs. As for old Pick, he brushed Mr. John’s hat with a
grim smile on his face, and hung about the hall to watch him go out.
“The young un’s off at last,” he said with a chuckle, marching into the
kitchen: when just before the end of the service in the Abbey, when all
the air about was ringing with the echo of the Amens, Purcell at last
screwed his courage to the sticking-point, and went out, to meet his
fate.
Poor young fellow, he could not have been more alarmed had he gone to
face a lion instead of a lady. The lion would have been nothing. He
would have called out for succour, and used whatever weapons he could
lay hold of; but nobody could help him with Lottie--no shield would
cover him from the lightnings of her eyes. It was all embarrassing, all
terrible; even if by any chance things should turn out in his favour, he
did not know what he should do. What could he call her? Not Lottie, that
was too familiar. Not Miss Despard. All these different and disjointed
thoughts seemed to float about his head in the maze of excitement he was
in--he was past thinking, but such questions kept floating in and out of
his mind. It was the most extraordinary relief when, going to the door
of Captain Despard’s house, he found that Lottie was out. If she had
been there, it seemed to Purcell that he would have run away--but she
was not there. He asked when she was expected back and went on,
recovering his breath. He could not go home again, where presently the
Signor would come from the Abbey and question him. The service, however,
was not so nearly over as he thought. It was a saint’s day, and there
was a sermon. The precincts were very still and deserted, for most
people were at church. Mrs. O’Shaughnessy, sitting at her window, saw
the young musician walk across the broad silent sunshine, but he did not
see her. He went up the Dean’s walk, hearing his own step echo through
the silence, and past the Deanery, and out upon the slopes beyond. It
was shady and sweet under the trees, which rose up close against the old
wall--and all was very quiet during the time of matins, though the town
went on with its usual hum down below at the foot of the hill. Purcell
began to recover himself a little and take breath as he came to this
shelter and refuge. Many a time had he strayed under these trees,
thinking of _her_, wondering if he ever might be able to approach her.
It was strange to be here, however, in the morning, the hour of work and
engagements, which he never had to himself, and to hear the far-off
sound of the organ pealing out after the sermon was over. All the common
occupations of life seemed to be suspended for Purcell. He felt as
ordinary men feel on an occasional stolen Sunday, when work is
suspended, and the duty of church-going put aside. All was so sweet, and
serene, and still--no one to disturb his thoughts: the sound of the
organ in the distance keeping him aware of the fact that he was
singularly, unprecedentedly liberated from his usual occupations: and
the tremor of agitation dying away into an excitement which was more
bearable, which left room for all the sweeter musings, of which _she_
was the centre. He sat down on the root of a tree, and let himself
breathe. Then came the first notes of the voluntary, and a distant hum
as of the congregation dispersing. Few people were likely to come here
at this hour in the morning, but still Purcell felt that he had but a
moment in which to indulge himself, and that soon he must turn back.
As he sat thus trying to collect himself, a sudden sound close by, the
rustle of a dress among the bushes, the soft sound of a footstep caught
his ear. He looked up--and his heart jumped into his throat. There She
stood before him, a little basket in her hand. There was a by-way into
the town by the slopes, and Lottie had been about her marketing. She was
in her usual simple morning frock, clean print and nothing more, and
though her head was sufficiently full of dreams and her mind of
anxieties, she was at present lingering upon neither, but going straight
from one place to another, as became the active morning hour and the
consciousness of various things to do. When she saw Purcell spring to
his feet suddenly in the midst of the path, for the moment Lottie was
startled. She made him a little gracious but indifferent sign of
recognition, as courtesy required--for ridiculous as were the notions in
his head, she could not be rude to him--and was passing on, not wanting
any further parley, when she was struck by the agitation in his face. He
was staring at her as if she had been a ghost--his mouth was open, his
breath coming quick, his colour changing. Excitement did not improve his
appearance. She had almost laughed, then checked herself remorsefully,
and became so much the more sympathetic for her temporary movement of
mirth.
“Is there anything the matter?” she said kindly. “I am afraid you are
ill. Has anything--gone wrong?” She did not know what to say, he looked
at her with such solemn eyes.
“Oh, nothing--nothing has gone wrong. I am not ill. Miss Despard--I did
not expect to see you here.”
“No--but I hope it is not I who have frightened you,” said Lottie. “I
sometimes go to the Bridge road this way.”
“You have not frightened me,” said Purcell, who found it easier to
repeat her words than to say anything original; “but I--did not know you
went this way.”
It was all that Lottie could do, once more, to keep herself from
laughing. She gave him a little nod, and was about to pass, saying,
“What a lovely morning it is!” the stereotyped English remark; when he
made a hurried step after her, and, holding up his hands, entreated her,
in a piteous voice, to stay a moment. “Miss Despard--what startled me
was that I was looking for you. Oh, stay a moment, and let me speak to
you!” he said.
Lottie stood still, arrested in her progress, throwing a wondering look
upon him. What could he want with her? Her first glance was simple
surprise--her second--Was it possible he could mean _that_?--could he be
bold enough, rash enough? Next moment she blushed for her own folly. To
be afraid of young Purcell! That was foolishness indeed. She stood
still there, one foot put out to go on, her basket in her hand.
“Please say what it is, Mr. Purcell. I have got something to do. I ought
to be at home.”
The morning is not the moment for a love tale. How much more congenial
would have been the evening, the twilight, the subdued poetic hour,
after the sun had disappeared, that great busybody who shows every
imperfection, and is himself so perpetually moving on! Something to do
was in every line of Lottie’s energetic figure. She had no time for
lingering, nor wish to linger. “Please say what it is.” Only business
should be treated in this summary way, not love.
“Miss Despard,” said the young musician, whose limbs were trembling
under him, “I wanted to say a great deal to you; it is very
important--for me. Things are going well with me,” he added, with
desperation, after a momentary pause. “I have been appointed to a
church--a fine church--with a good instrument. They are to give me a
good salary, and they say I can have as much teaching as I like. I shall
be very well off.”
“I am glad to hear you are so fortunate,” said Lottie. Her eyes were
full of surprise, and for a moment there was a gleam of amusement in
them. That he should waylay her to tell her this, seemed a curious piece
of ostentation or folly. “I am very glad,” she repeated; “but you must
forgive me if I have to hasten home, for I have a great many things to
do.”
“One moment,” he said, putting out his hand to stop her. “That was not
all. The Signor thinks--you know the Signor, Miss Despard, there is not
a better musician in the country--he thinks I will make progress. He
thinks I may rise--as high as any one can rise in our profession. He
tells me I may be a rich man yet before I die.”
“Indeed, I hope all he says will come true,” said Lottie; “but why you
should take the trouble to tell me----”
Then suddenly she caught his eye, and stopped short, and blushed an
angry red. She saw what was coming in a moment, which did not, however,
prevent her from drawing herself up with a great deal of dignity, and
adding, “I don’t know what you mean.”
“Miss Despard,” he said with a gasp, “there is no comparison between me
and you. But you are not so well off--not happy. They say--you know how
people will talk--that there is something going to happen that will make
you very uncomfortable.”
“Stop!” she said, with an involuntary cry, half of anger, half of
amazement. Then she laughed. “Do you want me to acknowledge that you are
much better off than I am?” she said; “but there is no need to compare
you with me.”
“It could not be done, Miss Lottie. I know it could not be done. You
are a lady, and far above me. I know I am not your equal--in some
things.”
Lottie began to be too angry to laugh, but yet she was provoked to
ridicule, which is the keenest of weapons. She made him a little mocking
curtsey. “It is very kind of you to say so, I am sure, for we are quite
poor people, Mr. Purcell; not fortunate, and getting on in the world
like you.”
“No, Miss Despard,” he said, simply, “that was just what I wanted to
say. If you had been as well off as I could wish, I should not have
ventured to say anything. I have always loved you, and thought of you
above all the world. Since you first came to St. Michael’s, I have never
thought of any one but you. It has been my hope that some time or other
I might be able to--but it was only just yesterday that I heard
something that made me settle--two things----”
She did not speak, being, indeed, too angry and annoyed for speech; but
she felt a kind of contemptuous, wrathful interest in what he was
saying, and curiosity to know what it was that had induced him to make
this venture; and, accordingly, gave him a glance, in which there was an
impatient question. Purcell was not too discriminating. He felt
encouraged by being listened to, from whatsoever motive.
“Two things,” he said, with stolid steadiness. “One, to take
Sturminster. I had settled before I would not take it, but St.
Ermengilde’s. But when I heard _that_, I changed my mind, though it did
not please the Signor. Sturminster will make me independent; it will
give me a home. And then I settled to tell you, Miss Lottie: if you are
uncomfortable at home, if you don’t like things that may be going to
happen: to tell you that there’s another home ready for you, if you will
have it; a home that may be made very comfortable; a place of your own,
to do what you like with, that will be waiting for you, whenever you
please, at a moment’s notice, the sooner the better. If you would say
yes, I would go directly, I would go to-morrow, and prepare; and nobody
would be able to give you trouble or make you uncomfortable any longer.
Only say the word, and there is nothing, nothing I would not do----”
Lottie stood and gazed at him, wondering, bitterly ashamed and
humiliated, and yet not without a sense that so much simple devotion was
worth more than to be crushed, or scorned, or flung from her, as she
wished to fling it. She restrained herself with an effort. “What do you
mean?” she said. “Is it possible that you are asking me to _marry_ you,
Mr. Purcell? That cannot be what you mean.”
“What else could it be?” he said, turning on her a look of genuine
surprise. “You don’t suppose, Miss Despard, that I could be thinking of
anything else?”
His cheeks grew crimson, and so did hers. A cry of anger and shame and
confusion came from her breast. She stamped her foot impatiently on the
ground. “You would never, never have ventured to ask me, never, if I had
not been helpless and friendless and poor!”
“No,” he said again, with a simplicity in which she could not help
feeling a certain nobleness. “I would not have ventured, for I am not
what you call a gentleman; but when I heard you were in trouble, I could
not keep silent. I thought to myself, Miss Lottie shall not be unhappy
because of having no home to go to----”
“Oh!” said Lottie, putting out her hand to stop him. She could not bear
any more. Her heart was sick with the mortification of such a suit. She
could have crushed and trampled upon her humble lover, in rage and
shame, and yet she could not but see the generosity and truth in his
heart. If he had been less worthy, it would have been less hard upon
her. “It is not a thing that can be,” she cried hastily. “Oh, don’t say
another word. I know you are kind, but it is not a thing that can be.”
“Not now?” he said, looking at her wistfully; “well: but perhaps another
time? perhaps when you need it more--I am not in any hurry. Perhaps I am
young to marry; the Signor thinks so. But another time, Miss Lottie?
Whenever you want me, you have but to say the word.”
“Oh, don’t think of it. I will never, never say the word. Forget it
altogether, Mr. Purcell. I am very, very much obliged to you, but indeed
it can never be.”
The young man’s countenance fell. Then he recovered himself. “I can’t
think you are taking everything into consideration. We should have a
nice home, plenty of everything, and I should never spare trouble to
give you everything you were used to----”
“Oh, go away, go away!” she cried.
And as they stood there, some one else, his shadow slowly moving before
him, came round the corner of the pathway, among the chestnut-trees; and
Purcell felt that his opportunity was over. He was not sorry for it. He
had done what was set before him, and if he had not succeeded, he was
not discouraged. There was still hope for another time.
CHAPTER XIX.
BUSINESS, OR LOVE?
It was not only in the mind of young Purcell that Lottie’s circumstances
and prospects were the subject of thought. Rollo Ridsdale had not
watched and worshipped as the young musician had done. Nor had he, even
on his first introduction to her, looked upon Lottie as anything but the
possessor of a beautiful voice, of which use might be made, for her
benefit no doubt in the long run, but primarily for his own. She was not
a divinity; she was not even a woman; she was a valuable stock-in-trade,
a most important implement with which to work. Rollo had gone through a
very effectual training in this kind. He had run through the little
money he possessed so soon, and had learned the use of his wits so
early, that the most energetic of tradesmen was not more alive to all
the charms of gain than he. The means, perhaps, may be of a different
kind, but it does not very much matter in principle whether a man is
trained to sharp bargains in bric-à-brac or in cotton bales; and it is
not essentially a loftier trade to speculate in pictures and china than
in shares and stocks. This young aristocrat had kept his eyes very wide
open to anything that might come in his way. He was not a director of
companies chiefly because his poor little Honourable was not a
sufficiently valuable possession to be traded upon, though it had some
small value pecuniarily. Lord Courtland himself might indeed have made a
few hundreds a year out of his title, but to his second son the name was
not worth so much. It secured him some advantages. It gave him the
_entrée_ to places where things were to be “picked up,” and it helped
him to puff and even to dispose of the wares which he might have in
hand. It kept him afloat; it ameliorated poverty; it took away all
objections to the sale and barter in which, profitably or unprofitably,
he spent so much of his life. Had he gone upon the Stock Exchange,
society might have made comments upon the strange necessity; but when
Rollo’s collection of _objets d’art_ was sold, nobody found anything to
object to in the transaction, which put a comfortable sum in his pocket,
and enabled him to go forth to fresh fields and pastures new; neither
was there anything unbecoming his nobility in the enterprise which he
had now in hand. Theatres are not generally a very flourishing branch of
commerce; yet it cannot be denied that those who ruin themselves by them
embark in the enterprise with as warm an inclination towards gain as any
shopkeeper could boast of. Rollo had thought of Lottie’s voice as
something quite distinct from any personality. It was a commodity he
would like to buy, as he would have liked to buy a picture, or anything
rare and beautiful, of which he could be sure that he would get more
than his own money for it. In that, as in other things, he would have
bought in the cheapest market and sold in the dearest. He would have
thought it only right and natural to secure at a low rate the early
services of a prima donna. A certain amount of enthusiasm no doubt
mingled with the business; just as, had Rollo bought a picture and sold
it again, he would have derived a considerable amount of enjoyment from
it over and above the profit which went into his pocket; but still he
would not have bought the picture, or sought out the future prima donna,
on any less urgent and straightforward stimulus than that of gain.
Probably, too, the artistic temperament--those characteristics which
have to answer for so many things--influenced him more in the pursuit of
the talent which was to make his fortune, than any man is ever
influenced by bales of cotton or railway shares. To hear that “shirtings
are firm” does not thrill the heart as it does to hear the melody of a
lovely new voice, which you feel will pay you nobly by transporting the
rest of the world as it does yourself. Neither could any amount of
coupons fill you with delight like that small scrap of a Bellini by
which you hope to _faire fortune_. But, nevertheless, to make his
fortune was what Rollo thought of just as much as the man who sells
dusters over his counter. If a new kind of duster could be found more
efficacious than any previously known, a something that would dust by
itself, that would sell by the million, no doubt the shopkeeper, too,
would feel a moment’s enthusiasm; yet in this he would be quite inferior
to the inventor of a new prima donna, who, added to his enjoyment of all
that the public gave to hear her, would have the same enjoyment as had
the public, without giving anything for it at all.
This had been the simple enthusiasm in Rollo’s mind up to his last
meeting with Lottie Despard. He had pursued her closely that he might
fully understand and know all the qualities of her voice--of the slave
he wanted to buy: to know exactly what training it would want, and how
much would have to be done to it before it could appear before the
public, and begin to pay back what he had given for it. And point by
point, as he pursued this quest of his, he had noted in her the
qualities of beauty, the grace, the expression, the perfection of form
and feature, which were so many additional advantages. The rush of
colour to her cheek, of spirit or softness to her eyes, had delighted
him, as proving in her the power to be an actress as well as a singer.
He studied all her looks, interpreted her character to himself, and
watched her movements with this end, with a frank indifference to every
other, not even thinking what interpretation might be put, what
interpretation she might herself put, upon this close and anxious
attention. It was not till the evening when, overcome by the feelings
which music and excitement had roused in her, Lottie had fled alone to
her home, avoiding his escort, that he had suddenly awoke to the
consciousness that it was no mere voice, but a young and beautiful
woman, with whom he was dealing. The awakening gave him a shock--yet
there was pleasure in it, and a flattering consciousness that his prima
donna had all along been regarding him in no abstract, but an entirely
individual, way. Rollo had been brought up among artificial sentiments.
He had been used to hear people talk of the effect of music upon their
imagination--of the sensations it gave them, and the manner in which
they were dominated by it. But he had never seen any one honestly moved
like Lottie--abandoning the sphere of her social success, silent in the
height of her triumph. When he saw that she could not and would not sing
again after that wonderful sacred song, he was himself more vividly
impressed than he had ever been by music. It took her voice from her,
and her breath--transported her out of herself. How strange it was, yet
how real, how natural! just (when you came to think of it) as a pure and
elevated mind ought to be touched: though he had never yet seen the
fumes of art get so completely into any head before. The reality of
Lottie’s emotion had awakened Rollo. He was not touched himself by
Handel, but he was touched by Lottie. He suddenly saw _her_ through the
mist of his own preconceived ideas, and through the cloud of
conventionalities, those of art and those of society alike. Never in his
life before had he so suddenly and distinctly come in contact with a
genuine human creature, as God had made her--feeling, moving, living
according to the dictates of nature, not as she had been trained to live
and feel. This is not to say that he had met with no genuine people in
his life. His father and mother were real enough, and so was his aunt,
Lady Caroline--very real, each in his or her little setting of
conveniences and necessities. He knew them, and was quite indifferent to
knowing them. But Lottie was altogether detached from the atmosphere in
which these good people lived. And he had discovered her suddenly,
making acquaintance with her in a moment--finding her out as an
astronomer, all alone with the crowds of heaven, finds out a new star.
This was how it made so great an impression on him. He had discovered
her, standing quite alone among all the women who knew how to express
and to control their emotions. She was not trained either to one or the
other. The emotion, the enthusiasm in her got the upper hand of her, not
she of them. A man who is only used to men and women in the secondary
stages of well-sustained emotion is apt to be doubly impressed by the
sight of genuine and artless passion, of whatever kind it may be. He
went to town thinking not of the prima donna he had found, but of the
woman who had suddenly made heaven and earth real to him, as they were
to her. He posted up to London--that is, he flew thither in the express
train, according to the dictates of his first impulse; but he was so
entirely carried away by this second one, that he had almost forgotten
his primary purpose altogether. “Ah! that is it,” he said to himself
when the prima donna idea once more flashed across his mind. He did not
want to lose sight of this, or to be negligent of anything that would
help to make his fortune.
Rollo was in the greatest need of having his fortune made. He had
nothing except very expensive habits. He was obliged to spend a great
deal of money in order to live, and he was obliged to live (or so, at
least, he thought); and he had no money at all. Therefore a prima donna
or something else was absolutely necessary. Accordingly he wound himself
up with great energy, and tried to think no more of that other world
which Lottie’s touch had plunged him into. In the meantime, in this
world of theatres, drawing-rooms, and fashionable coteries, where people
are compelled to live, whether they will or not, at an enormous cost in
money, and where accordingly money must be hunted wherever scent of it
can be found, it was necessary that some one, or something, should make
Rollo Ridsdale’s fortune. He rushed to his impresario, and roused a
faint enthusiasm momentarily in the mind of that man of great
undertakings. An English prima donna, a native article, about whom the
English would go wild! Yes! But would they go wild over an English prima
donna? Would not the first step be, ere she was presented to the public
at all, to fit her with an Italian name? Signorina Carlotta
Desparda--that was what she would have to be called. The impresario
shook his head. “And besides, these native articles never turn out what
we are led to expect,” he said. He shook his head; he was sorry, very
sorry, to disappoint his _confrère_, but----”
“But--I tell you, you never heard such a voice; the compass of it--the
sweetness of it! _simpatica_ beyond what words can say--fresh as a
lark’s--up to anything you can put before her--and with such power of
expression. We shall be fools, utter fools, if we neglect such a
chance.”
“You are very warm,” said the manager, rubbing his hands. “She is
pretty, I suppose?”
“No,” said Rollo; “she is beautiful--and with the carriage of a queen.”
(Poor Lottie, in her white frock; how little she knew that there was
anything queenlike about her!) “Come down and see her. That is all I ask
of you. Come and hear her----”
“Where may that be?” said the Manager. “I am leaving town on Monday.
Can’t we have her up to your rooms, or somewhere at hand?”
“My rooms!” said Rollo, thunderstruck. He knew very little about Lottie,
except that she was a poor Chevalier’s daughter; but he felt that he
could have as easily invited one of the Princesses to come and sing in
his rooms, that the representatives of the new opera company might judge
of her gifts. His face grew so long that his colleague laughed.
“Is she a personage then, Ridsdale? Is she one of your great friends?”
he said.
“She is one of my--friends; but she is not a great personage,” said
Rollo, gloomily, pulling the little peaked beard which he cultivated,
and thinking that it would be as difficult to get his manager invited to
the Deanery as it would be to bring Lottie to Jermyn Street. These were
difficulties which he had not foreseen. He went over the circumstances
hurriedly, trying to think what he could do. Could he venture to go in
suddenly to the Chevalier’s lodge, as he had done with Lady Caroline’s
credentials in his pocket, but this time without any credentials, and
without further ceremony proceed to test the powers of the girl, who he
knew was not always compliant nor to be reckoned on? What if she should
decline to be tried? What if she had no intention of becoming a singer
at all? What if the Manager should condemn her voice as untrained (which
it was), or even mistake it altogether, mixing it up with the cracked
tones of the old piano, and the jingle of the Abbey bells? He had not
thought of all these difficulties before. He had not taken time to ask
if Lottie would be docile, if Lady Caroline would be complaisant. He
pulled his beard, his face growing longer and longer. At last he said,--
“I’ll tell you what we can do. We can go to Mrs. O’Shaughnessy----”
“Who on earth is Mrs. O’Shaughnessy?” said the Manager.
“But very likely there is no piano there! You see, this is a difficulty
I did not think of. I have heard this lady only in the house of--one of
my relations, a very rigid old person, who hates theatres, and thinks
opera an invention of the devil.” How Rollo dared slander poor Lady
Caroline so, who liked an opera-box as well as any one else, it is
impossible to say.
“Well--it doesn’t seem to matter much what are the qualities of the
voice if we can’t hear it,” the Manager said carelessly; and he told his
fashionable partner of the singer he had heard of in Milan, who was to
distance all the singers then on the operatic stage. “They are all like
that,” he said--“like this private nightingale of yours, Ridsdale--till
you hear them; and then they turn out to be very much like the rest. To
tell the truth, I am not so very sorry this particular _protégée_ of
yours has broken down; for I don’t believe the time has come for an
English prima donna, if it ever comes. We’ve got no confidence in
ourselves, so far as art goes--especially musical art. English opera,
sir; there’s many fine pieces, but you’ll never keep it up in England.
It might make a hit, perhaps, in Germany, or even France, but not here.
Your English prima donna would be considered fit for the music halls.
We’d have to dress her up in vowels, and turn her into an Italian.
Contemptible? Oh, yes, it’s contemptible; but, if we’re to make our own
money out of it, we mustn’t trouble ourselves about what’s contemptible.
What we’ve got to do is to please the public. I’m just as glad that this
idea of yours has broken down.”
“Broken down! I will never allow it has broken down. It is much easier
and pleasanter, of course, to go to Milan than to go to St. Michael’s,”
said Rollo disdainfully. “But never mind; if you don’t start till
Monday, trust me to arrange it somehow. Your new Milanese, of course,
will be like all the rest. She will have been brought up to it. She will
know how to do one thing, and no more; but this is genius--owing nothing
to education and everything to nature. Capable of--I could not say what
such a voice and such a woman is not capable of----”
“Bravo, Ridsdale!” said his partner. “She is capable of stirring you up
thoroughly, that is clear--and I hope she will be kind to you,” he
said, with a big laugh, full of insinuations. The man was vulgar and
fat, but a mountain of energy, and Rollo though disgusted, could not
afford to quarrel with him.
“You are entirely out in your notion,” he said, with that air of dignity
which is apt to look fictitious in such circumstances. He was not
himself easily shocked, nor would this interpretation of his motives
have appeared to him at all unlikely in the case of another man;
therefore, as was natural, his gravity and look of disgust only
confirmed the suspicions of the other, and amused him the more.
“Bravo, my boy; go in and win!” he said, chuckling; “promise whatever
you like, if you find it necessary, and trust to me to back you up.”
To say “I am unable to understand what you mean,” as Rollo did, with
cold displeasure, yet consciousness, did but increase the ecstasy of the
fat Manager over the evident fact that his fastidious friend was “caught
at last.”
Rollo went away with a great deal of offended dignity, holding himself
stiffly erect, body and soul. He had never been so entirely disgusted,
revolted, by the coarse character of the ideas and insinuations, which
in themselves were not particularly novel, he was aware. It was because
everything grew coarse under the touch of such a fellow as this, he said
to himself; and it must be allowed that vice, stripped of all sentiment
and adornment, was a disgusting spectacle. Rollo had never been a
vicious man. He had taken it calmly in others, acknowledging that, if
they liked it, he had no right to interfere; but he had not cared for it
much himself--he was not a man of passions. A dilettante generally does
avoid these coarser snares of humanity; and there had always been a
sense of nausea in his mind when he was brought in contact with the
vicious. But this nausea had been more physical than spiritual. It was
not virtue but temperament which produced it; his own temptations were
not in this kind. Nevertheless, he knew that to show any exaggerated
feeling on the subject would only expose him to laughter, and he was not
courageous enough either to blame warmly in others, or to decry
strenuously in himself, the existence of unlawful bonds. What did it
matter to anybody if he were virtuous? his neighbours were not on that
account to be baulked of their cakes and ale; his disinclination towards
sins of the grosser kind was not a thing he was proud of--it was a
constitutional peculiarity, like inability to ascend heights or to go to
sea without suffering. He was not at all sure that it was not a sign of
weakness--a thing to be kept out of sight. Accordingly he took his part
in the social gossip, which has no warmer interest than this, like
everybody else, never pretended to any superiority, and took it for
granted that now and then everybody “went wrong.” He would have been a
monster if he had done anything else. Why, even his good aunt
Caroline--the best and stupidest of women, to whom, if she had desired
it, no opportunity of going wrong had ever presented itself--liked to
hear these stories and believed them implicitly, and was convinced that
not to go wrong was quite exceptional. Rollo was not the man to
emancipate himself from such a complete and universal understanding. He
allowed it calmly, and did not pretend either to disapprove or to doubt.
Probably he had himself coldly, and as a matter of course, “gone wrong”
too in his day, and certainly he had never given himself out as at all
better than his neighbours. Was it only the coarseness of his vulgar
associate which made the suggestion so deeply disgusting to him now?
He asked himself this question as, disappointed and annoyed, he left the
Manager’s ostentatious rooms; and a new sense of unkindness,
ungenerosity, unmanliness in having exposed a harmless person, a woman
whose reputation should be sacred, to such animadversions, suddenly came
into his mind, he could not tell how. This view of the matter had never
occurred to Rollo before. The women he had heard discussed--and he had
heard almost everybody discussed, from the highest to the lowest--had
nothing sacred about them to the laughing gossips who discussed all they
had done, or might have done, or might be going to do. This, too, was a
new idea to him. Who was there whom he had not heard spoken of? ladies a
thousand times more important than Miss Despard, the poor Chevalier’s
daughter at St. Michael’s--and nobody had seemed to think there was any
harm in it. A man’s duty not to let a woman be lightly spoken of? Pooh!
What an exaggerated sentimental piece of nonsense! Why should not women
take their chance, like any one else? Rollo was like most other persons
when in a mental difficulty of this kind. He was not so much discussing
with himself as he was the arena of a discussion which unseen arguers
were holding within him. While one of these uttered this Pooh! another
replied, with a heat and fervour altogether unknown to the clubs, What
had Lottie Despard done to subject herself to these suggestions? she who
knew nothing about society and its evil thoughts--she who had it in her
to be uplifted and transported by the music at which these other people,
at the best, would clap their hands and applaud. The argument in Rollo’s
mind went all against himself and his class. He hated not only his
manager-partner, whom it was perfectly right and natural to hate, but
himself and all the rest of his kind. He was so much disgusted, that he
almost made up his mind to let fortune and the English prima donna go
together, and to take no further step to make the girl known to those
who were so incapable of appreciating her. But when he came that
length, Rollo had reached the end of his tether, struck against the
uttermost limits of his horizon--and thus was brought back suddenly to
the question how he was best to make his prize known?
CHAPTER XX.
AN UNCONSCIOUS TRIAL.
It turned out, however, that Rollo could not accomplish the object,
which he had aimed at with so much eagerness and hope, in the only
legitimate way. He could not get his Manager invited to the Deanery. “I
don’t think your aunt would like it; I don’t think I could sanction it,”
the Dean said, whom he met at his club. Unfortunately the Dean had
somewhere encountered the partner by whose aid Rollo expected to make
his fortune, and he made it the subject of a little discourse, which
Rollo received with impatience. “I would have nothing to do with him if
I were you,” his Reverence said; “he is not a kind of man to be any
credit to his associates. You can’t touch pitch without being defiled. I
would not have anything to say to him if I were you.”
“Nor should I, uncle, if I were you,” said Rollo, with a rueful smile.
He was not aware that this was not original; he was not thinking,
indeed, of originality, but of the emergency, which he felt was very
difficult to deal with.
“Nonsense!” said the Dean; “don’t tell me there are not a great many
better occupations going than that of managing a theatre----”
“Opera--opera. Give us our due at least----”
“What difference is there?” said the Dean sternly. “The opera has ruined
just as many men as the theatre. Talk of making your fortune? Did you
ever hear of the lessee of a theatre making a fortune? Plenty have been
ruined by it, and never one made rich that I ever heard of. Why can’t
you go into diplomacy or to a public office, or get your Uncle Urban to
give you something? You ought not to have anything to do with such a
venture as this.”
“My dear uncle,” said Rollo, “you know well enough how many things I
have tried. Uncles are very kind (as in your case), but they can’t take
all their relations upon their shoulders; and you knew this was what I
was doing, and Aunt Caroline knew----”
“Ah! yes; I recollect that was what all the singing was about; but she
could not stand that Manager fellow. I could not stand him myself; as
for your aunt, you could not expect it. She is very good-natured, but
you could not ask her to go so far as that.”
“He is a man who goes everywhere,” said Rollo; “he is a man who can
behave himself perfectly well wherever he is.”
“Oh, bless you, she would see through him at a glance!” cried the Dean.
“I don’t mean to say your aunt is clever, Rollo, but instinct goes a
long way. She would see through him. Miss Despard was quite different;
she was perfectly _comme il faut_. Girls are wonderful sometimes in that
way. Though they may have no advantages, they seem to pick up and look
just as good as any one: whereas a man like that---- By the way, I am
very sorry for the poor thing. They say her father, a disreputable sort
of gay man who never should have got the appointment, is going to marry
some low woman. It will be hard upon the girl.”
What an opportunity was this of seizing hold upon her--of overcoming any
objection that might arise! Rollo felt himself Lottie’s best friend as
he heard of this complication. While she might help to make his fortune
he could make her independent, above the power of any disreputable
father or undesirable home. He could not bear to think that such a girl
should be lost in conditions so wretched, and, though the Dean was
obdurate, he did not lose hope. But between Thursday and Monday is not a
very long time for such negotiations, and the Manager was entirely
preoccupied by his Milanese, whom another impresario was said to be on
the track of, and in whom various connoisseurs were interested. It is
impossible to describe the scorn and incredulity with which Rollo
himself heard his partner’s account of this new singer. He put not the
slightest faith in her.
“I know how she will turn out,” he said. “She will shriek like a
peacock; she will have to be taught her own language; she will be
coached up for one _rôle_ and good for nothing else; and she will smell
of garlic enough to kill you.”
“Oh, garlic will never kill me!” said the vulgar partner who gave Rollo
so much trouble.
In the meantime he wrote to the Signor to see what could be done, and
begged with the utmost urgency that he would arrange something. “Perhaps
the old Irishwoman next door would receive us,” Rollo said, “even if she
has got no piano. Try, my dear Rossinetti, I implore you; try your
best.” The Signor was very willing to serve the Dean’s nephew; but he
was at the moment very much put out by Lottie’s reception of young
Purcell, as much as if it had been himself that had been refused.
“Who is Mrs. O’Shaughnessy, and how am I to communicate with her?” he
cried; and he did not throw himself into the work with any zeal. All
that he would do at last, moved by Rollo’s repeated letters, was to bid
him bring his friend down to the service on Sunday afternoon, when he
would see Lottie at least, and hear something of her voice. The Manager
grinned at this invitation. He was not an enthusiast for Handel, and
shrugged his shoulders at sacred music generally as much out of his
line; but he ended, having no better engagement on hand, by consenting
to go. It was the end of the season; the opera was over, and all its
fashionable patrons dispersed; and St. Michael’s was something to talk
of at least. So the two connoisseurs arrived on a warm afternoon of
early August, when the grey pinnacles of the Abbey blazed white in
excessive sunshine, and the river showed like glowing metal here and
there through the broad valley, too brilliant to give much refreshment
to the eyes.
As it happened, it was a chance whether Lottie would attend the service
that afternoon at all. She was sorry for poor Purcell, and embarrassed
to face the congregation in the Abbey, some of whom at least must know
the story. She was certain the Signor knew it, from the glance he had
thrown at her; and Mrs. Purcell, she felt sure, would gloom at her from
the free seats, and the hero himself look wistful and reproachful from
the organ-loft. She had very nearly made up her mind not to go. Would it
not be better to go out on the slopes, and sit down under a tree, and
hear the music softly pealing at a distance, and get a little rest out
of her many troubles? Lottie had almost decided upon this, when
suddenly, by a caprice, she changed her mind and went. Everything came
true as she had divined. Mrs. Purcell fixed her eyes upon her from the
moment she sat down in her place, with a gloomy interest which sadly
disconcerted Lottie; and so did old Pick, who sat by his fellow servant
and chuckled over the conclusion of Mr. John’s romance; while once at
least Lottie caught the pale dulness of the Signor’s face looking
disapproval, and at every spare moment the silent appeal of Purcell’s
eyes looking down from over the railing of the organ-loft. Lottie’s
heart revolted a little in resistance to all these pitiful and
disapproving looks. Why should they insist upon it? If she could not
accept young Purcell, what was it to the Signor and old Pick?--though
his mother might be forgiven if she felt the disappointment of her boy.
The girl shrank a little from all those glances, and gave herself up
altogether to her devotions. Was it to her devotions? There was the
Captain chanting all the responses within hearing, cheerful and
self-confident, as if the Abbey belonged to him; and there, too, was
Law, exchanging glances of a totally different description with the
people in the free seats. It was to two fair-haired girls whom Lottie
had seen before--who were, indeed, constant in their attendance on the
Sunday afternoon--that Law was signalling; and they, on their part,
tittered and whispered, and looked at the Captain in his stall, and at
another woman in a veil whom Lottie did not make out. This was enough to
distract her from the prayers, to which, however, if only to escape from
the confusion of her own thoughts, she did her very best to give full
attention. But---- She put up her prayer-book in front of her face, and
hid herself at least from all the crowd, so full each of his and her own
concerns. She was silent during the responses, hearing nothing but her
father’s voice with its tone of proprietorship, and only allowed herself
to sing when the Captain’s baritone was necessarily silent. Lottie’s
voice had become known to the people who sat near her. They looked for
her as much as they looked for little Rowley himself, who was the first
soprano; but to-day they did not get much from Lottie. Now and then she
forgot herself, as in the “Magnificat,” when she burst forth suddenly
unawares, almost taking it out of the hands of the boys; but while she
was singing Lottie came to herself almost as suddenly, and stopped
short, with a quaver and shake in her voice as if the thread of sound
had been suddenly broken. Raising her eyes in the midst of the canticle,
she had seen Rollo Ridsdale within a few places of her, holding his book
before him very decorously, yet looking from her to a large man by his
side with unmistakable meaning. The surprise of seeing him whom she
believed to be far away, the agitation it gave her to perceive that she
herself was still the chief point of interest to him, and the sudden
recalling thus of her consciousness, gave her a shock which extinguished
her voice altogether. There was a thrill in the music as if a string had
broken; and then the hymn went on more feebly, diminished in sweetness
and volume, while she stood trembling, holding herself up with an
effort. He had come back again, and again his thoughts were full of
her, his whole attention turned to her. An instantaneous change took
place in Lottie’s mind. Instead of the jumble of annoyances and
vexations that had been around her--the reproachful looks on one side,
the family discordance on the other--her father and Law both jarring
with all that Lottie wished and thought right--a flood of celestial calm
poured into her soul. She was no longer angry with the two fair-haired
girls who tittered and whispered through the service, looking up to Law
with a hundred telegraphic communications. She was scarcely annoyed when
her father’s voice pealed forth again in pretentious incorrectness. She
did not mind what was happening around her. The sunshine that came in
among the pinnacles and fretwork above in a golden mist, lighting up
every detail, yet confusing them in a dazzle and glory which common eyes
could not bear, made just such an effect on the canopies of the stalls
as Rollo’s appearance made on Lottie’s mind. She was all in a dazzle and
mist of sudden calm and happiness which seemed to make everything
bright, yet blurred everything in its soft, delicious glow.
“Don’t think much of her,” said the Manager, as they came out. The two
were going back again at once to town, but Rollo’s partner had supposed
that at least they would first pay a visit to the Deanery. He was a man
who counted duchesses on his roll of acquaintances, but he liked to add
a Lady Caroline whenever the opportunity occurred, and deans, too, had
their charm. He was offended when he saw that Rollo had no such
intention, and at once divined that he was not considered a proper
person to be introduced to the heads of such a community. This increased
his determination not to yield to his partner in this fancy of his,
which, indeed, he had always considered presumptuous, finding voices
being his own share of the work--a thing much too important to be
trusted to an amateur. “The boy has a sweet little pipe of his own; but
as for your _prima donna_, Ridsdale, if you think that sort of thing
would pay with us---- No, no! my good fellow; she’s a deuced handsome
girl, and I wish you joy; I don’t wonder that she should have turned
your head; but for our new house, not if I know it, my boy. A very nice
voice for an amateur, but that sort of thing does not do with the
public.”
“You scarcely heard her at all; and the few notes she did sing were so
mixed up with those scrubby little boys----”
“Oh! I heard her, and I don’t care to hear her again--unless it were in
a drawing-room. Why, there’s Rossinetti,” said the _impresario_; “he’ll
tell you just the same as I do. Do you know what we’re down here for,
Rossinetti, eh? Deluded by Ridsdale to come and hear some miraculous
voice; and it turns out to be only a charming young lady who has
bewitched him, as happens to the best of us. Pretty voice for a
drawing-room, nice amateur quality; but for the profession---- I tell him
you must know that as well as I.”
“Come into my place and rest a little; there is no train just yet,”
said the Signor. He had left Purcell to play the voluntary, and led
the strangers through the nave, which was still crowded with people
listening to the great strains of the organ. “Come out this way” he
said; “I don’t want to be seen. Purcell plays quite as well as I do;
but if they see me they will stream off, and hurt his feelings. Poor
boy! he has had enough to vex him already.”
These words were on his lips when, coming out by a private door, the
three connoisseurs suddenly came upon Lottie, who was walking home with
Mrs. O’Shaughnessy. The Signor, who was noted for a womanish heat of
partisanship and had not forgiven her for the disappointment of his
pupil, darted a violent glance at her as he took off his hat. It might
have been himself that she had rejected, so full of offence was his
look; and this fixed the attention of the big Manager, who took off his
hat too, with a smile of secret amusement, and watched the scene, making
a private memorandum to the effect that Rossinetti evidently had been
hit also; and no wonder! a handsome girl as you could see in a summer
day, with a voice that was a very nice voice, a really superior voice
for an amateur.
As for Rollo, he hastened up to Mrs. O’Shaughnessy with fervour, and
held out his hand; and how happy and how proud was that kind woman! She
curtseyed as she took his hand as if he had been the Prince of Wales,
nearly pulling him down, too, ere she recovered herself; and her
countenance shone, partly with the heat, partly with the delight.
“And I hope I see _you_ well, sir,” she said; “and glad to see you back
in St. Michael’s. There’s nothing like young people for keeping a place
cheerful. Though we don’t go into society, me and me Major, yet it’s a
pleasure to see the likes of you about.”
Rollo had time to turn to Lottie with very eloquent looks while this
speech was being addressed to him. “I am only here for half an hour,” he
said; “I could not resist the temptation of coming for the service.”
“Oh! me dear sir, you wouldn’t care so much for the sarvice if ye had as
much of it as we have,” said Mrs. O’Shaughnessy, going on well pleased.
She liked to hear herself talking, and she had likewise a quick
perception of the fact that, while she talked, communications of a
different kind might go on between “the young folks.” “Between
ourselves, it’s not me that they’ll get to stop for their playing,” she
said, all the more distinctly that the Signor was within hearing. “I’d
go five miles to hear a good band. The music was beautiful in the
regiment when O’Shaughnessy was adjutant. And for me own part, Mr.
Ridsdale, I’d not give the drums and the fifes for the most elegant
music you could play. I don’t say that I’m a judge, but I know what I
like.”
“Why did you stop so soon?” Rollo said, aside. “Ah! Miss Despard, was it
not cruel?--A good band is an excellent thing, Mrs. O’Shaughnessy. I
shall try to get my uncle to have the band from the depôt to play once a
week, next time I come here.--Thanks all the same for those few notes; I
shall live upon them,” he added fervently, “till I have the chance of
hearing you again.”
Lottie made no reply. It was unnecessary with Mrs. O’Shaughnessy there,
and talking all the time. And, indeed, what had she to say? The words
spread themselves like a balm into every corner of her heart. He would
not have gone so far, nor spoken so warmly, if it had not been for the
brutal indifference of the big Manager, who stood looking on at a
distance, with an air of understanding a great deal more than there was
to understand. The malicious knowingness in this man’s eyes made Rollo
doubly anxious in his civilities; and then he felt it necessary to make
up to Lottie for the other’s blasphemy in respect to her voice, though
of this Lottie knew nothing at all.
“I shall not even have time to see my aunt,” he said; “how fortunate
that I have had this opportunity of a word with you! I did not know
whether I might take the liberty to call.”
“And welcome, Mr. Ridsdale,” said Mrs. O’Shaughnessy. “Lottie’s but a
child, so to speak; but I and the Major would be proud to see you. And
of an afternoon we’re always at home, and, though I say it as shouldn’t,
as good a cup of tea to offer ye as ye’d get from me Lady Caroline
herself. It’s ready now, if you’ll accept the refreshment, you and--your
friend.”
“A thousand thanks, but we must not stay. Mrs. O’Shaughnessy, if you see
my aunt will you explain how it was I could not come to see her? And be
sure you tell her you met me at the Abbey door, or she will not like it.
Miss Despard, Augusta is coming home, and I hope to be at the Deanery
next month. _Then_ I trust you will be more generous, and not stop
singing as soon as you see me. What had I done?” he cried in his
appealing voice. “Yes, Rossinetti, I’m coming.--Not Good-bye, Mrs.
O’Shaughnessy; only, as the French say, Till we meet again.”
“And I hope that will not be long,” said the good woman, delighted. She
swept along the Dean’s Walk, letting her dress trail after her and
holding her head high; she was too much excited to think of holding up
her skirts. “Did ye hear him, Lottie, me honey? ‘If you see my aunt,’
says he. Lord bless the man! as if me Lady Caroline was in the way of
looking in and taking a cup of tea! Sure, I’d make her welcome, and
more sense than shutting herself up in that old house, and never
stirring, no, not to save her life. ‘If ye see my aunt,’ says he. Oh,
yes! me darlint, I’ll see her, shut up in her state, and looking as
if---- He’ll find the difference when he comes to the Deanery, as he
says. Not for you, Lottie, me dear; you’re one of themselves, so to
speak. But it’s not much thanks me Lady Caroline will give him for
sending her a message by Mrs. O’Shaughnessy. I thought I’d burst out in
his face, ‘Tell her ye met me by the Abbey door.’ That’s to save me
lady’s feelings, Lottie. But I’ll do his bidding next time I see her;
I’ll make no bones of it, I’ll up and give her my message. Lord! just to
see how me lady would take it. See if I don’t now. For him, he’s a
jewel, take me word for it, Lottie; and ye’ll be a silly girl, me honey,
if you let a gentleman like Mr. Ridsdale slip through your fingers. A
real gentleman--ye can see as much by his manners. If I’d been a
duchess, Lottie, me dear, what more could he say?”
Lottie made no reply to this speech, any more than to the words Rollo
himself had addressed to her. Her mind was all in a confused maze of
happy thoughts and anticipations. His looks, his words, were all turned
to the same delicious meaning; and he was coming back to the Deanery,
when she was to be “more generous” to him. No compliment could have been
so penetrating as that soft reproach. Lottie had no words to spend upon
her old friend, who, for her part, was sufficiently exhilarated to
require no answer. Mrs. O’Shaughnessy rang the changes upon this subject
all the way to the Lodges. “‘When you see my aunt,’ says he.” The idea
that she was in the habit of visiting Lady Caroline familiarly not only
amused but flattered her, though it was difficult enough to understand
how this latter effect could come about.
Rollo was himself moved more than he could have imagined possible by
this encounter. He said nothing as he followed his companions to the
Signor’s house, and did not even remark what they were saying, so
occupied was he in going over again the trivial events of the last few
minutes. As he did so, it occurred to him for the first time that Lottie
had not so much as spoken to him all the time; not a word had she said,
though he had found no deficiency in her. It was evident, then, that
there might be a meeting which should fill a man’s mind with much
pleasant excitement and commotion, and leave on his thoughts a very
delightful impression, without one word said by the lady. This idea
amused him in the pleasant agitation of his being to which the encounter
at the church door had given rise. He forgot what he had come for, and
the rudeness of his partner, and the refusal of that personage to think
at all of Lottie. He did not want any further discussion of this
question; he had forgotten, even, that it could require to be
discussed. Somehow all at once, yet completely, Lottie had changed
character to him; he did not want to talk her over with anyone, and he
forgot altogether the subject upon which the conversation must
necessarily turn when he followed the Signor and his big companion
through the groups of people who began to emerge from the Abbey. There
were a great many who stared at Rollo, knowing who he was, but none who
roused him from his preoccupation. Fortunately the Dean had a cold and
was not visible, and Lady Caroline did not profess to go to church in
the afternoon--“It was too soon after lunch, and there were so many
people, and one never felt that one had the Abbey to one’s self,” her
ladyship said.
The Manager went off to Italy the next day, after his Milanese, without
being at all restrained by Rollo, who was glad to get rid of him, and to
have no more said about the English _prima donna_. He did not quite like
it even, so perverse was he, when the Signor, sitting out upon his
terrace, defended her against the _impresario’s_ hasty verdict: “She has
a beautiful voice, so far as that goes,” the Signor said, with the
gravity of a judge; “you are mistaken if you do not admire her voice; we
have had occasion to hear it, and we know what it is, so far as that
goes.”
“You dog!” said the jovial Manager, with a large fat laugh. “I see
something else if I don’t see that. Ah, Rossinetti! hit too?”
“Do you happen to know what he means?” said the Signor with profound
gravity, turning his fine eyes upon Ridsdale. “Ah! it is a pleasantry, I
suppose. I have not the same appreciation of humour that I might have
had, had I been born an Englishman,” he said, with a seriousness that
was portentous, without relaxing a muscle.
Rollo, who was not aware of the vehement interest with which the Signor
espoused Purcell’s cause, felt the Manager’s suspicions echo through his
own mind. He knew how entirely disinclined he felt to enter upon this
question. Was his companion right, and had the Signor been hit too? It
seemed to Rollo that the wonder was how anyone could avoid that
catastrophe. The Manager made very merry, as they went back to town,
upon Lottie’s voice and the character of the admiration which it had
excited; but all this Rollo received with as much solemnity of aspect as
characterised the Signor.
CHAPTER XXI.
SEARCHINGS OF HEART.
It was not to be supposed that the visit of Rollo and his companion
should pass unnoticed in so small a community as that of St. Michael’s,
where everybody knew him, and in which he had all the importance
naturally belonging to a member, so to speak, of the reigning family.
Everybody noticed his appearance in the Abbey, and it soon became a
matter of general talk that he was not at the Deanery, but had come down
from town expressly for the service, returning by as early a train
afterwards as the Sunday regulations of the railway allowed. What did he
come for? Not to see his relations, which would have been a
comprehensible reason for so brief a visit. He had been seen talking to
somebody at the north door, and he had been seen following the Signor,
in company with a large and brilliant person who wore more rings and
studs and _breloques_ than had ever been seen at St. Michael’s. Finally,
this remarkable stranger, who was evidently a friend of the Signor as
well as of Rollo, had been visible on the little green terrace outside
Rossinetti’s sitting-room, smoking cigarettes and drinking claret-cup,
and tilting up his chair upon two legs in a manner which suggested a
tea-garden, critics said, more than a studious nook sheltered among the
buttresses of the Abbey. Public opinion was instinctively unfavourable
to Rollo’s companion; but what was the young prince, Lady Caroline’s
nephew, doing there? Then the question arose, who was it to whom Rollo
had been talking at the north door? All the Canons and their wives, and
the ladies in the Lodges, and even the townspeople, when the story
reached them, cried out “Impossible!” when they were told that it was
Mrs. O’Shaughnessy. But that lady had no intention of concealing the
honour done her. She published it, so to speak, on the housetops. She
neglected no occasion of making her friends acquainted with all the
particulars of the interview. “And who should it have been but me?” she
said. “Is there e’er another one at St. Michael’s that knows as much of
his family? Who was it but an uncle of his, or maybe it might be a
cousin, that was in the regiment with us and O’Shaughnessy’s greatest
friend? Many’s the good turn the Major’s done him; and, say the worst
you can o’ the Ridsdales, it’s not ungrateful they are. It’s women that
are little in their ways. What does a real gentleman care for our little
quarrels and the visiting list at the Deanery? ‘When ye see me aunt,’
says he, ‘Mrs. O’Shaughnessy, ye’ll tell her----’ Sure he took it for
certain that me Lady Caroline was a good neighbour, and would step in
of an afternoon for her bit of talk and her cup o’ tea. ‘You’ll tell
her,’ says he, ‘that I hadn’t time to go and see her.’ And, please God,
I will do it when I’ve got the chance. If her ladyship forgets her
manners, it shall ne’er be said that O’Shaughnessy’s wife was wanting in
good breeding to a family the Major had such close connections with.”
“But do you really know--Mr. Ridsdale’s family?” said Lottie, after one
of these brilliant addresses, somewhat bewildered by her recollection of
what had passed. “And, sure, didn’t you hear me say so? Is it doubting
me word you are?” said Mrs. O’Shaughnessy, with a twinkle in her eye.
Lottie was bewildered--but it did not matter much. At this moment
nothing seemed to matter very much. She had been dull, and she had been
troubled by many things before the wonderful moment in which she had
discovered Rollo close to her in the Abbey--much troubled, foreseeing
with dismay the closing in around her of a network of new associations
in which there could be nothing but pain and shame, and dull with a
heavy depression of dulness which no ray of light in the present, no
expectation in the future, seemed to brighten. Purcell’s hand held out
to her, tenderly, yet half in pity, had been the only personal
encouragement she had; and that had humbled her to the dust, even though
she struggled with herself to do him justice. Her heart had been as
heavy as lead. There had seemed to her nothing that was hopeful,
nothing that was happy before her. Now all the heaviness had flown away.
Why? Why, for no reason at all, because this young man, whom she
supposed (without any warrant for the foolish idea) to love her, had
come back for an hour or two; because he was coming back on a visit. The
visit was not to her, nor had she probable share in the enjoyments to be
provided for Lady Caroline’s nephew; and Lottie did not love him to make
his very presence a delight to her. She did not love him--yet. This was
the unexpressed feeling in her mind; but when a girl has got so far as
this it may be supposed that the visit of the lover whom she does not
love--yet, must fill her with a thousand delightful tremors. How could
she doubt his sentiments? What was it that brought him back and back
again to St. Michael’s? And to be led along that flowery way to the
bower of bliss at the end of it, to be persuaded into love by all the
flatteries and worship of a lover so delicately impassioned--could a
girl’s imagination conceive anything more exquisite?--No, she was not in
love--yet---- But there was no reason why she should not be, except the
soft maidenly reluctance, the shy retreat before one who kept advancing,
the instinct of coy resistance to an inevitable delight.
Into this delicate world of happiness, in which there was nothing real,
but all imagination, Lottie was delivered over that bright Sunday. She
had no defence against it, and she did not wish to have any. She gave
herself up to the dream. After that interval of heaviness, of darkness,
when there was no pleasant delusion to support her, and life, with all
its difficulties and dangers, became so real, confronting her at every
point, what an escape it was for Lottie to find herself again under the
dreamy skies of that fool’s paradise! It was the Garden of Eden to her.
She thought it was the true world, and the other the false one. The
vague terror and disgust with which her father’s new plans filled her
mind floated away like a mist; and, as for Law, what so easy as to carry
him with her into the better world where she was going? Her mind in a
moment was lightened of its load. She had left home heavily; she went
back scarcely able to keep from singing in the excess of her
light-heartedness, more lifted above earth than if any positive good had
come to her. So long as the good is coming, and exists in the
imagination only, how much more entrancing is it than anything real that
ever can be ours!
The same event, however, which had so much effect upon Lottie acted upon
her family too in a manner for which she was far from being prepared.
Captain Despard came in as much elated visibly as she was in her heart.
There had been but little intercourse among them since the evening when
the Captain had made those inquiries about Rollo, which Lottie resented
so deeply. The storm had blown over, and she had nominally forgiven Law
for going over to the enemy’s side; but Lottie’s heart had been shut
even against her brother since that night. He had forsaken her, and she
had not been able to pass over his desertion of her cause. However, her
heart had softened with her happiness, and she made his tea for him now
more genially than she had done for weeks before. They seated themselves
round the table with, perhaps, less constraint than usual--a result due
to the smiling aspect of the Captain as well as to the softened
sentiment in Lottie’s heart. Once upon a time a family tea was a
favourite feature in English literature, from Cowper down to Dickens,
not to speak of the more exclusively domestic fiction of which it is the
chosen banquet. A great deal has been said of this nondescript (and
indigestible) meal. But perhaps there must be a drawing of the curtains,
a wheeling-in of the sofa, a suggestion of warmth and comfort in
contradistinction to storms and chills outside, as in the Opium-eater’s
picture of his cottage, to carry out the ideal--circumstances altogether
wanting to the tea of the Despards, which was _eaten_ (_passez-moi le
mot_, for is it not the bread-and-butter that makes the meal?) in the
warmest hour of an August afternoon. The window, indeed, was open, and
the Dean’s Walk, by which the townspeople were coming and going in
considerable numbers, as they always did on Sunday, was visible with
its gay groups, and the prospect outside was more agreeable than the
meal within. Mrs. O’Shaughnessy, next door, had loosed her cap-strings,
and fanned herself at intervals as she sipped her tea. “It’s hot, but
sure it cools you after,” she was saying to her Major. The Despards,
however, were not fat, and did not show the heat like their neighbours.
Law sat at the table and pegged away resolutely at his bread-and-butter,
having nothing to take his mind off his food, and no very exciting
prospect of supper to sustain him. But the Captain took his tea
daintily, as one who had heard of a roast fowl and sausages to be ready
by nine o’clock, and was, therefore, more or less indifferent to the
bread-and-butter. He patted Lottie on the shoulder as she gave him his
tea.
“My child,” he said, “I was wrong the other day. It is not every man
that would own it so frankly; but I have always been a candid man,
though it has damaged me often. When I am in the wrong I am bound to
confess it. Take my hand, Lottie, my love. I made a mistake.”
Lottie looked at him surprised. He had taken her hand and held it,
shaking it, half-playfully, in his own.
“My love,” he said, “you are not so candid as your poor father. You will
get on all the better in the world. I withdraw everything I said,
Lottie. All is going well; all is for the best. I make no doubt you can
manage your own affairs a great deal better than I.”
“What is it you mean, papa?”
“We will say no more, my child. I give you free command over yourself.
That was a fine anthem this afternoon, and I have no doubt those were
well repaid who came from a distance to hear it. Don’t you think so,
Lottie? Many people come from a great distance to hear the service in
the Abbey, and no doubt the Signor made it known that there was to be
such a good anthem to-day.”
Lottie did not make any reply. She looked at him with mingled wonder and
impatience. What did he mean? It had not occurred to her to connect
Rollo with the anthem, but she perceived by the look on her father’s
face that something which would be displeasing to her was in his mind.
“What’s the row?” said Law. “Who was there? I thought it was always the
same old lot.”
“And so it is generally the same old lot. _We_ don’t vary; but when
pretty girls like Lottie say their prayers regularly heaven sends
somebody to hear them. Oh, yes; there is always somebody sent to hear
them. But you are quite right to allow nothing to be said about it, my
child,” said the Captain. “Not a word, on the honour of a gentleman.
Your feelings shall be respected. But it may be a comfort to you, my
love, to feel that whatever happens your father is behind you,
Lottie--knows and approves. My dear, I say no more.”
“By Jove! What is it?” cried Law.
“It is nothing to you,” said his father. “But look here, Law. See that
you don’t go out all over the place and leave your sister by herself,
without anyone to take care of her. My engagements I can’t always give
up, but don’t let me hear that there’s nobody to walk across the road
with Lottie when she’s asked out.”
“Oh, that’s it, is it?” said Law. “I thought they’d had enough of you at
the Deanery, Lottie. That’s going to begin again, then, I suppose?”
“I am not invited to the Deanery,” said Lottie, with as much state and
solemnity as she could summon up, though she trembled; “neither is it
going to begin again. There is no occasion for troubling Law or you
either. I always have taken care of myself hitherto, and I suppose I
shall do it till the end.”
“You need not get on your high horse, my child,” said Captain Despard,
blandly. “Don’t suppose that I will interfere; but it will be a
consolation to you to remember that your father is watching over you,
and that his heart goes with you,” he added, with an unctuous roll in
his voice. He laid his hand for a moment on her head, and said, “Bless
you, my love,” before he turned away. The Captain’s emotion was great;
it almost brought the tears to his manly eyes.
“What _is_ the row?” said Law, when his father had gone. Law’s attention
had been fully occupied during the service with his own affairs, and he
did not know of the reappearance of Rollo. “One would think he was going
to cry over you, Lottie. What have you done? Engagements! he has always
got some engagement or other. I never knew a fellow with such a lot of
friends--I shouldn’t wonder if he was going to sup somewhere to-night. I
wonder what they can see in him,” said Law, with a sigh.
“Law, are you going out too?”
“Oh, I suppose so; there is nothing to do in the house. What do you
suppose a fellow can do? Reading is slow work; and, besides, it’s
Sunday, and it’s wrong to work on Sunday. I shall go out and look round
a bit, and see if I can see anyone I know.”
“Do you ever think, I wonder,” said Lottie--“papa and you--that if it is
so dull for you in the house, it must sometimes be a little dull for
me?”
She was not in the habit of making such appeals, but to-night there was
courage and a sense of emancipation in her which made her strong.
“You? Oh, well, I don’t know--you are a girl,” said Law, “and girls are
used to it. I don’t know what you would do if you wanted to have a
little fun, eh? I dare say you don’t know yourself. Yes, I shouldn’t
wonder if it was dull; but what can anyone do? It’s nature, I suppose,”
said Law. “There isn’t any fun for girls, as there is for us. Well, is
there? How should I know?”
But there was “fun” for Emma and her sisters of the workroom, Law
reminded himself with a compunction. “I’ll tell you what, Lottie,” he
said hastily; “you must just do as other girls do. You must get some one
to walk with you, and talk, and all that, you know. There’s nothing else
to be done; and you might have plenty. There’s that singing fellow, that
young Purcell; they say he’s in love with you. Well, he’s better than
nobody; and you could give him the sack as soon as you saw somebody you
liked better. I thought at one time that Ridsdale----”
“I think, Law,” said Lottie, “you had better go out for your walk.”
He laughed. He was half-pleased to have roused and vexed her, yet
half-sorry too. Poor Lottie! Now that she was abandoned by her grand
admirer and all her fine friends, it must be dull for her, staying in
the house by herself; but then what could he do, or anyone? It was
nature. Nature, perhaps, might be to blame for not providing “fun” for
girls, but it was not for Law to set nature right. When he had got his
hat, however, and brushed his hair before going out, he came back and
looked at Lottie with a compunction. He could not give up meeting Emma
in order to take his sister for a walk, though, indeed, this idea
actually did glance across his mind as a rueful possibility. No, he
could not go; he had promised Emma to meet her in the woods, and he must
keep his word. But he was very sorry for Lottie. What a pity she had
not some one of her own--Purcell, if nobody better! and then, when the
right one came, she might throw him off. But Law did not dare to repeat
his advice to this effect. He went and looked at her remorsefully.
Lottie had seated herself upstairs in the little drawing-room; she was
leaning her elbow on the ledge of the little deep window, and her head
upon her hand. The attitude was pensive; and Law could not help thinking
that to be a girl, and sit there all alone looking out of a window
instead of roaming about as he did, would be something very terrible.
The contrast chilled him and made him momentarily ashamed of himself.
But then he reflected that there were a great many people passing up and
down, and that he had often heard people say it was amusing to sit at a
window. Very likely Lottie thought so; probably, on the whole, she liked
that better than going out. This must be the case, he persuaded himself,
or else she would have been sure to manage to get some companion;
therefore he said nothing to her, but went downstairs very quietly and
let himself out softly, not making any noise with the door. Law had a
very pleasant walk with Emma under the trees, and enjoyed himself, but
occasionally there would pass a shadow over him as he thought of Lottie
sitting at the window in the little still house all alone.
But indeed, for that evening at least, Lottie was not much to be
pitied. She had her dreams to fall back upon. She had what is absolutely
necessary to happiness--not only something to look back to, but
something to look forward to. That is the true secret of
bliss--something that is coming. With that to support us can we not bear
anything? After a while, no doubt, Lottie felt, as she had often felt
before, that it was dull. There was not a sound in the little house;
everybody was out except herself; and it was Sunday, and she could not
get her needlework to occupy her hands and help on her thoughts. As the
brightness waned slowly away, and the softness of the evening lights and
then the dimness of the approaching dark stole on, Lottie had a great
longing to get out of doors; but she could not go and leave the house,
for even the maid was out, having her Sunday walk with her young man. It
was astonishing how many girls had gone wandering past the window, each
with her young man. Not much wonder, perhaps, that Law had suggested
this sole way of a little “fun” for a girl. Poor Law! he did not know
any better; he did not mean any harm. She laughed now at the suggestion
which had made her angry at the time, for to-night Lottie could afford
to laugh. But when she heard the maid-servant come in, Lottie, wearied
with her long vigil, and longing for a breath of cool air after the
confinement of the house, agreed with herself that there would be no
harm in taking one little turn upon the slopes. The townspeople had
mostly gone. Now and then a couple of the old Chevaliers would come
strolling homeward, having taken a longer walk in the calm of the Sunday
evening than their usual turn on the Slopes. Captain Temple and his wife
had gone by arm-in-arm. Perhaps they had been down to the evening
service in the town, perhaps only out for a walk, like everybody else.
Gradually the strangers were disappearing; the people that belonged to
the Precincts were now almost the only people about, and there was no
harm in taking a little walk alone; but it was not a thing Lottie cared
much to do. With a legitimate errand she would go anywhere; but for a
walk! The girl was shy, and full of all those natural conventional
reluctances which cannot be got out of women; but she could not stay in
any longer. She went out with a little blue shawl folded like a
scarf--as was the fashion of the time--over her shoulders, and flitted
quickly along the Dean’s Walk to the slopes. All was sweet in the soft
darkness and in the evening dews, the grass moist, the trees or the sky
sometimes distilling a palpable dewdrop, the air coming softly over all
those miles of country to touch with the tenderest salutation Lottie’s
cheek. She looked out upon the little town nestling at the foot of the
hill with all its twinkling lights, and upon the stars that shone over
the long glimmer of the river, which showed here and there, through all
the valley, pale openings of light in the dark country. How sweet and
still it was! The openness of the horizon, the distance, was the thing
that did Lottie good. She cast her eyes to the very farthest limit of
the world that lay within her sight and drew a long breath. Perhaps it
was this that caught the attention of some one who was passing. Lottie
had seated herself in a corner under a tree, and she did not see this
wayfarer, who was behind her; and the reader knows that she did not sigh
for sorrow, but only to relieve a bosom which was very full of fanciful
anticipations, hopes, and dreams. It was not likely, however, that Mr.
Ashford would know that. He too was taking his evening walk; and when he
heard the sigh in which so many tender and delicious fancies exhaled
into the air, he thought--who could wonder?--that it was somebody in
trouble; and, drawing a little nearer to see if he could help, as was
the nature of the man, found to his great surprise--as she, too,
startled, turned round her face upon him--that it was Lottie Despard who
was occupying the seat which was his favourite seat also. They both said
“I beg your pardon” simultaneously, though it would be hard to tell why.
“I think I have seen you here before,” he said. “You like this time of
the evening, Miss Despard, like myself--and this view?”
“Yes,” said Lottie; “but I have been sitting indoors all the afternoon,
and got tired of it at last. I did not like to come out all by myself;
but I thought no one would see me now.”
“Surely you may come here in all safety by yourself.” The Minor Canon
had too much good breeding to suggest any need of a companion or any
pity for the girl left alone. Then he said suddenly, “This is an
admirable chance for me. The first time we met, Miss Despard, you
mentioned something about which you wished to consult me----”
“Ah!” cried Lottie, coming back out of her dreams. Yes, she had wanted
to consult him, and the opportunity must not be neglected. “It was about
Law, Mr. Ashford. Law--his name is Lawrence, you know, my brother; he is
a great boy, almost a man--more than eighteen. But I am afraid he is
very backward. I want him so very much to stand his examination. It
seems that nothing--nothing can be done without that now.”
“His examination--for what?”
“Oh, Mr. Ashford,” said Lottie, “for anything! I don’t mind what it is.
I thought, perhaps, if you would take him it would make him see the good
of working. We are--poor; I need not make any fuss about saying that;
here we are all poor; and if I could but see Law in an office earning
his living, I think,” cried Lottie, with the solemnity of a martyr, “I
think I should not care what happened. That was all. I wanted him to
come to you, that you might tell us what he would be fit for.”
“He would make a good soldier,” said Mr. Ashford, smiling; “though there
is an examination for that too.”
“There are examinations for everything, I think,” said Lottie, shaking
her head mournfully; “that is the dreadful thing; and you see, Mr.
Ashford, we are poor. He has not a penny; he must work for his living;
and how is he to get started? That is what I am always saying. But what
is the use of speaking? You know what boys are. Perhaps if I had been
able to insist upon it years ago--but then I was very young too. I had
no sense, any more than Law.”
The Minor Canon was greatly touched. The evening dew got into his
eyes--he stood by her in the soft summer darkness, wondering. He was a
great deal older than Lottie--old enough to be her father, he said to
himself; but he had no one to give him this keen, impatient anxiety,
this insight into what boys are. “Was there no one but you to insist
upon it?” he said, in spite of himself.
“Well,” said Lottie meditatively, “do gentlemen--generally--take much
trouble about what boys are doing? I suppose they have got other things
to think of.”
“You have not much opinion of men, Miss Despard,” said the Minor Canon,
with a half-laugh.
“Oh, indeed I have!” cried Lottie. “Why do you say that? I was not
thinking about men--but only---- And then boys themselves, Mr. Ashford;
you know what they are. Oh! I think sometimes if I could put some of me
into him. But you can’t do that. You may talk, and you may coax, and you
may scold, and try every way--but what does it matter? If a boy won’t do
anything, what is to be done with him? That is why I wanted so much, so
very much, to bring him to you.”
“Miss Despard,” said the Minor Canon, “you may trust me that if there is
anything I can do for him I will do it. As it happens, I am precisely in
want of some one to--to do the same work as another pupil I have. That
would be no additional trouble to me, and would not cost anything. Don’t
you see? Let him come to me to-morrow and begin.”
“Oh, Mr. Ashford,” said Lottie, “I knew by your face you were kind--but
how very, very good you are! But then,” she added sorrowfully, “most
likely he could not do the same work as your other pupil. I am afraid he
is very backward. If I were to tell you what he is doing you might know.
He is reading Virgil--a book about as big as himself,” she said, with a
little laugh, that was very near crying. “Won’t you sit down here?”
“Virgil is precisely the book my other pupil is doing,” said Mr.
Ashford, laughing too, very tenderly, at her small joke, poor child!
while she made room for him anxiously on the bench. There they sat
together for a minute in silence--all alone, as it might be, in the
world, nothing but darkness round them, faint streaks of light upon the
horizon, distant twinkles of stars above and homely lamps below. The
man’s heart softened strangely within him over this creature, who, for
all the pleasure she had, came out here, and apologised to him for
coming alone. She who, neglected by everybody, had it in her to push
forward the big lout of a brother into worthy life, putting all her
delicate strength to that labour of Hercules--he felt himself getting
quite foolish, moved beyond all his experiences of emotion, as, at her
eager invitation, he sat down there by her side.
And as he did so other voices and steps became audible among the trees
of somebody coming that way. Lottie had turned to him, and was about to
say something, when the sound of the approaching voices reached them. He
could see her start--then draw herself erect, close into the corner of
the bench. The voices were loudly pitched, and attempted no concealment.
“La, Captain, how dark it is! Let’s go home; mother will be looking for
us,” said one.
“My dear Polly,” said the other--and though Mr. Ashford did not know
Captain Despard, he divined the whole story in a moment as the pair
brushed past arm-in-arm--“my dear Polly, your home will be very close
at hand next time I bring you here.”
Lottie said nothing--her heart jumped up into her throat, beating so
violently that she could not speak. And to the Minor Canon the whole
family story seemed to roll out like the veiled landscape before him as
he looked compassionately at the girl sitting speechless by his side,
while her father and his companion, all unconscious in the darkness,
brushed against her, sitting there unseen under the shadowy trees.
CHAPTER XXII.
A CHANCE FOR LAW.
Mr. Ashford took Lottie home that evening, walking with her to her own
door. There was not much said; for, notwithstanding the armour of
personal hope and happiness which she had put on, the shock of this
personal encounter with her father and the woman who was to be her
father’s wife made the girl tremble with secret excitement, in spite of
herself. The woman: it was this, the sight and almost touch of this new,
unknown, uncomprehended being brushing past her in the darkness which
overwhelmed Lottie. That first contact made the girl sick and faint. She
could not talk to Mr. Ashford any more--her voice seemed to die out of
her throat, where her heart was fluttering. She could not think even
what she had been saying. It was all confused, driven aside into a
corner, by that sudden apparition. Mr. Ashford, on his side, said little
more than Lottie. It seemed to him that he had a sudden insight into all
that was happening. He had heard, though without paying much attention,
the common gossip about Captain Despard, who was not considered by
anybody within the Precincts as a creditable inmate; but this curious
little scene, of which he had been a witness, had placed him at once in
the midst of the little drama. He seemed to himself to have shared in
the shock Lottie had received. He walked softly by her side, saying
little, full of compassion, but too sympathetic even to express his
sympathy. He would not hurt her by seeming to be sorry for her. When
they parted he held her hand for a moment with a kind, serious grasp, as
if he had been her father, and said:
“You will send him to me to-morrow, Miss Despard? I shall expect him
to-morrow.”
“Oh--Law!” she said, with a little start and recovery. Poor Law had gone
out of her mind.
“Poor child!” he said, as he turned towards his house; but before he had
crossed the road he was met by Captain Temple coming the other way.
“Was that Miss Despard?” asked the old man. “Is it she you were saying
good-night to? My wife told me she had gone towards the Slopes, and I
was on my way to bring her home.”
“I met her there, and I have just brought her home,” said the Minor
Canon. He could scarcely make out in the dark who his questioner was.
“That is all right--that is all right,” said the old Chevalier. “She is
left too much alone, and she should have some one to take care of her. I
feel much obliged to you, Mr. Ashford, for I take a great interest in
the young lady.”
“It is--Captain Temple?” said Mr. Ashford, peering at the old man with
contracted, short-sighted eyes. “I beg your pardon. Yes, Miss Despard is
quite safe; she has been talking to me about her brother. What kind of
boy is he? I only know he is a big fellow, and not very fond of his
work.”
Captain Temple shook his head. “What can you expect? It is not the boy’s
fault; but she is the one I take an interest in. You know I had once a
girl of my own--just such another, Mr. Ashford--just such another. I
always think of her when I see this pretty creature. Poor things--how
should they know the evil that is in the world? They think everybody as
good as themselves, and when they find out the difference it breaks
their sweet hearts. I can’t look at a young girl like that, not knowing
what her next step is to bring her, without tears in my eyes.”
The Minor Canon did not make any reply; his heart was touched, but not
as Captain Temple’s was touched. He looked back at the dim little house,
where as yet there were no lights--not thinking of Lottie as an
all-believing and innocent victim, but rather as a young Britomart, a
helmeted and armed maiden, standing desperate in defence of her little
stronghold against powers of evil which she was noways ignorant of. It
did not occur to him that these images might be conjoined, and both be
true.
“I take a great interest in her,” said old Captain Temple again, “and so
does my wife, Mr. Ashford. My wife cannot talk of our loss as I do; but,
though she says little, I can see that she keeps her eye upon Lottie.
Poor child! She has no mother, and, for that matter, you might say no
father either. She has a claim upon all good people. She may be thrown
in your way sometimes, when none of us can be of any use to her. It
would make me happy if you would say that you would keep an eye upon her
too, and stand by her when she wants a friend.”
“You may be sure I will do that--if ever it should be in my power.”
“Thanks. You will excuse me speaking to you? Most people allow the right
we have in our trouble to think of another like our own. I am quite
happy to think you will be one of her knights too, Mr. Ashford. So will
my wife. Ah, we owe a great deal--a great deal--to innocence. Good
night, and my best thanks.”
Mr. Ashford could not smile at the kind old Chevalier and his monomania.
He went home very seriously to his dark little house, where no one had
lighted his lamp. He was not so well served as the Signor. There was a
faint light on the stairs, but none in his dark wainscoted library,
where the three small deep windows were more than ever like three
luminous yet dim pictures hanging upon a gloomy wall. When he had
lighted his reading-lamp the pictures were put out, and the glimmering
dim interior, with its dark reflections and the touches of gilding and
faded brown of his books, came into prominence. He half smiled to think
of himself as one of Lottie Despard’s knights; but outside of this calm
and still place what a glimpse had been afforded him of the tumults and
miseries of the common world, within yet outside all the calm precincts
of ordered and regular life! The girl with whom he had been talking
stood _aux prises_ with all these forces, while he, so much more able
for that battle, was calm and sheltered. To see her struggling against
the impassibility of a nature less noble than her own--to think of her
all forlorn and solitary, piteous in her youth and helplessness, on the
verge of so many miseries, wrung his heart with pity, with tenderness,
with---- Was it something of envy too? All the powers of life were
surging about Lottie, contending in her and around her; forces vulgar
yet powerful, calling forth in that bit of a girl, in that slim
creature, made, the man thought, for all the sweetness and protections
of life, all its heroic qualities instead--while for such as he,
thirty-five, and a man, fate held nothing but quiet, and mastery of all
circumstances, Handel and the Abbey! What a travesty and interchange of
all that was fit and natural!--for him ought to be the struggle, for
her the peace; but Providence had not ordained it so.
How often is this so! times without number; the weak have to struggle
while the strong look on. Women and children labour while full-grown men
rest; the sick and the feeble have all the powers of darkness to
encounter, while the athlete yawns his unoccupied force away. So this
strange paradox of a world runs on. The Minor Canon, who was of very
gentle mould, with a heart open as day to melting charities, sat and
thought of it with a giddiness and vertigo of the heart. He could not
change it. He could not take up Lottie’s trouble and give her his calm.
One cannot stand in another’s place--not you in mine, nor I in
yours--though you may be a hundred times more capable of my work than I.
This was what Ernest Ashford thought sitting among his peaceful books,
and following Lottie Despard in imagination into the little lodge which
was her battlefield. Sympathy gave him the strongest mental perception
of all that took place there. The only thing he had no clue to was the
sweet and secret flood of consolation which subdued her sense of all her
troubles--which already had drowned the dread of the future, and floated
over with brightness the difficulties of the present in Lottie’s heart.
Next morning Law arrived at the house of the Minor Canon, considerably
to his own surprise, with his big Virgil under his arm. “I don’t know
whether you meant it, or if she understood you,” he said, shy and
uncomfortable, looking down at his shoes, and presenting the top of his
head rather than his face to Mr. Ashford’s regard, “but my sister
said----”
“Yes; I meant it fully. Sit down and tell me what you have been doing,
and whereabouts you are in your work. I have a pupil coming presently
with whom probably you might read----”
“Well, you must know that I haven’t been what you might call working
very hard, you know,” said Law, still butting at his future instructor
with the top of his head. He sat down as Mr. Ashford directed him, but
he did not give up the earnest contemplation of his boots. “It isn’t so
easy to get into the way of it when you’re working alone. I left school
a long time ago--and I don’t know that it was much of a school--and
latterly I was a little bit irregular--and so, you know----”
“I see,” said the Minor Canon; “however, it is not too late to do
better. What is that big book under your arm--Virgil? Very well.
Construe a passage for me, and let me see how you get on.”
“Shall I do a bit I know, or a bit I don’t know?” said Law, raising his
head this time with a doubtful gleam, half of merriment. “Of course, I
want to put my best foot foremost--but I don’t want to take you in all
the same.”
“I must trust you entirely on that point--or give me the book, I will
choose, and chance shall decide.”
“Oh, hang it!” said Law under his breath. He would have been honest and
avowed what he knew; but this kind of Sortes did not please him. The
perspiration came out on his forehead. Of course it was a very hard bit,
or what Law thought a very hard bit, that turned up--and the way in
which he struggled through it, growing hotter and hotter, redder and
redder, was a sight to see.
“That will do,” Mr. Ashford said, compassionate, yet horrified. “That
will do.” And he took the book out of his would-be pupil’s hands with a
sigh, and smoothed down the page, which Law had ruffled in his vain
efforts, with a regretful touch, as though asking pardon of Virgil.
“Suppose we have a little talk on this subject?” he said. “No doubt you
have made up your mind what you would like to do?”
“Not I,” said Law. “It will have to be some office or other--that’s the
only way in which a fellow who has no money seems to be able to make a
living. A very poor living, so far as I hear--but still it is something,
I suppose. That is not what I would like by nature. I’d like to go out
to Australia or New Zealand. I hate the notion of being cooped up to a
desk. But I suppose that is how it will have to be.”
“Because of your sister? You would not abandon her? It does you a great
deal of credit,” said the Minor Canon, with warmth.
“Well, because of her in one way,” said Law; “because she is always so
strong against it, and because I have no money for a start. You don’t
suppose that I would mind otherwise? No; Lottie is all very well, but I
don’t see why a man should give into her in everything. She will have to
think for herself in future, and so shall I. So, if you will tell me
what you think I could do, Mr. Ashford; I should say you don’t think I
can do anything after that try,” said Law, with an upward glance of
investigation, half-wistful, half-ashamed.
“Have you read English literature much? That tells nowadays,” said the
Minor Canon. “If you were to give any weight to my opinion, I would tell
you to get the papers for the army examination, and try for that.”
“Ah! that’s what I should like,” cried Law; “but it’s impossible.
Fellows can’t live on their pay. Even Lottie would like me to go into
the army. But it’s not to be done. You can’t live on your pay. English!
Oh, I’ve read a deal of stories--_Harry Lorrequer_ and _Soapy Sponge_,
and that sort of--rot.”
“I am afraid that will not do much good,” said the Minor Canon, shaking
his head. “And, indeed, I fear, if you are going to be successful, you
must set to work in a more serious way. Perhaps you are good at
figures--mathematics?--no!--science, perhaps--natural history----”
“If you mean the Zoological Gardens, I like that,” said Law, beginning
to see the fun of this examination; “and I should be very fond of
horses, if I had the chance. But that has nothing to say to an office.
Figures, ha? yes, I know. But I always hated counting. I see you think
there is nothing to be made of me. That is what I think myself. I have
often told her so. I shall have to ’list, as I have told her.” Law
looked at his companion with a little curiosity as he said this, hoping
to call forth an alarmed protestation.
But Mr. Ashford was not horrified. He was about to say, “It is the very
best thing you could do,” but stopped, on consideration, for Lottie’s
sake.
“You are a man to look at,” he said, “though you are young. Has it never
occurred to you till now to think what you would like to be? You did not
think you could go on for ever stumbling over ten lines of Virgil? I beg
your pardon, I don’t mean to be rude; but the most of us have to live by
something, and a young man like you ought to have a notion what he is
going to be about. You thought of the Civil Service?”
“I suppose Lottie did,” said Law, getting up and seizing his book. “It
is all her doing, from first to last; it is she that has always been
pushing and pushing. Yes; what’s the use of trying Virgil? I always felt
it was all bosh. I don’t know it, and what’s more, I don’t want to know
it. I am not one for reading; it’s not what I would ever have chosen; it
is all Lottie, with her nagging and her pushing. And so I may go home
and tell her you don’t think me fit for anything?” he added suddenly,
with a slight break of unexpected feeling in his voice.
“Don’t do anything of the kind. If you would only be open with me, tell
me what are your own ideas and intentions----”
“That’s what everybody says,” said Law, with a smile of half-amused
superiority; “open your mind. But what if you’ve got no mind to open?
_I_ don’t care what I do; I don’t intend anything; get me in somewhere,
and I’ll do the best I can. A fellow can’t speak any fairer than that.”
The Minor Canon looked at him with that gaze of baffled inquiry which is
never so effectually foiled as by the candid youth who has no intentions
of his own and no mind to open. Law stood before him, stretching out his
useless strength, with his useless book again under his arm--a human
being thoroughly wasted; no place for him in the Civil Service, no good
use in any of the offices. Why shouldn’t he ’list if he wished it? It
was the very best thing for him to do. But when Mr. Ashford thought of
Lottie this straightforward conclusion died on his lips.
“Why couldn’t you live on your pay?” he said hurriedly. “It is only to
exercise a little self-denial. You would have a life you liked and were
fit for, and a young subaltern has just as much pay as any clerkship you
could get. Why not make an effort, and determine to live on your pay? If
you have the resolution you could do it. It would be better certainly
than sitting behind a desk all day long.”
“Wouldn’t it!” said Law, with a deep breath. “Ah! but you wouldn’t
require to keep a horse, sitting behind your desk; you wouldn’t have
your mess to pay. A fellow must think of all that. I suppose you’ve had
enough of me?” he added, looking up with a doubtful smile. “I may go
away?”
“Don’t go yet.” There sprang up in the Minor Canon’s mind a kindness for
this impracticable yet thoroughly practical-minded boy, who was not wise
enough to be good for anything, yet who was too wise to plunge into rash
expenses and the arduous exertion of living on an officer’s pay--curious
instance of folly and wisdom, for even an officer’s pay was surely
better than no pay at all. Mr. Ashford did not want to throw Law off,
and yet he could not tell what to do with him. “Will you stay and try
how much you can follow of young Uxbridge’s work?” he said. “I daresay
you have not for the moment anything much better to do.”
Law gave a glance of semi-despair from the window upon the landscape,
and the distance, and the morning sunshine. No! he had nothing better to
do. It was not that he had any pleasures in hand, for pleasures cost
money, and he had no money to spend; and he knew by long experience that
lounging about in the morning without even a companion is not very
lively. Still he yielded and sat down, with a sigh. Mere freedom was
something, and the sensation of being obliged to keep in one place for
an hour or two, and give himself up to occupation, was disagreeable; a
fellow might as well be in an office at once. But he submitted. “Young
Uxbridge?” he said. “What is he going in for? The Guards, I suppose.”
Law sighed; ah! that was the life. But he was aware that for himself he
might just as easily aspire to be a prince as a Guardsman. He took his
seat at the table resignedly, and pulled the books towards him, and
looked at them with a dislike that was almost pathetic. Hateful tools!
but nothing was to be done without them. If he could only manage to get
in somewhere by means of the little he knew of them, Law vowed in his
soul he would never look at the rubbish again.
Young Uxbridge, when he came in spick and span, in the freshest of
morning coats and fashionable ties--for which things Law had a keen eye,
though he could not indulge in them--looked somewhat askance at the
slouching figure of the new pupil. But, though he was the son of a canon
and in the best society, young Uxbridge was not more studious, and he
was by nature even less gifted, than Law. Of two stupid young men, one
may have all the advantage over another which talent can give, without
having any talent to brag of. Law was very dense with respect to books,
but he understood a great deal more quickly what was said to him, and
had a play of humour and meaning in his face, and sense of the amusing
and absurd, if nothing more, which distinguished him from his companion,
who was steadily level and obtuse all round, and never saw what anything
meant. Thus, though one knew more than the other, the greater ignoramus
was the more agreeable pupil of the two; and the Minor Canon began to
take an amused interest in Law as Law. He kept him to luncheon after the
other was gone, and encouraged the boy to talk, giving him such a meal
as Law had only dreamt of. He encouraged him to talk, which perhaps was
not quite right of Mr. Ashford, and heard a great deal about his family,
and found out that, though Lottie was right, Law was not perhaps so
utterly wrong as he thought. Law was very wrong; yet when he thus heard
both sides of the question, the Minor Canon perceived that it was
possible to sympathise with Lottie in her forlorn and sometimes
impatient struggle against the _vis inertiæ_ of this big brother, and
yet on the other hand to have an amused pity for the big brother, too,
who was not brutal but only dense, gaping with wonder at the finer
spirit that longed and struggled to stimulate him into something above
himself. So stimulated Law never would be. He did not understand even
what she wanted, what she would have; but he was not without some good
in him. No doubt he would make an excellent settler in the back-woods,
working hard there though he would not work here, and ready to defend
himself against any tribe of savages; and he would not make a bad
soldier. But to be stimulated into a first-class man in an examination,
or an any-class man, to be made into a male Lottie of fine perceptions
and high ambition, that was what Law would never be.
“But she is quite right,” said Law; “something must be done. I suppose
you have heard, Mr. Ashford, as everybody seems to have heard, that the
governor is going to marry again?”
“I did hear it. Will that make a great difference to your sister and
you?”
“Difference? I should think it would make a difference. As it happens, I
know P----, the woman he is going to marry. She makes no secret of it
that grown-up sons and daughters shouldn’t live at home. I shall have to
leave, whatever happens; and Lottie--well, in one way Lottie has more
need to leave than I have: I shouldn’t mind her manners and that sort of
thing--but Lottie does mind.”
“Very naturally,” said the Minor Canon.
“Perhaps,” said Law; “but I don’t know where she gets her ideas from,
for we never were so very fine. However, I might stand it, but Lottie
never will be able to stand it; and the question follows, what is she
to do? For myself, as I say, I could ’list, and there would be an end of
the matter.”
“But in that case you would not be of much use to your sister.”
Law shrugged his shoulders. “I should be of use to myself, which is the
first thing. And then, you know--but perhaps you don’t know--all this is
obstinacy on Lottie’s part, for she might be as well off as anyone. She
might, if she liked, instead of wanting help, be able to help us all.
She might start me for somewhere or other, or even make me an allowance,
so that I could get into the army in the right way. When I think of what
she is throwing away it makes me furious; she might make my fortune if
she liked--and be very comfortable herself, too.”
“And how is all this to be done?” said the Minor Canon somewhat
tremulously, with a half-fantastic horror in his mind of some brutal
alternative that might be in Lottie’s power, some hideous marriage or
sacrifice of the conventional kind. He waited for Law’s answer in more
anxiety than he had any right to feel, and Law on his side had a gleam
of righteous indignation in his eyes, and for the moment felt himself
the victim of a sister’s cruelty, defrauded by her folly and unkindness
of a promotion which was his due.
“Look here,” he said solemnly; “all this she could do without troubling
herself one bit, if she chose; she confessed it to me herself. The
Signor has made her an offer to bring her out as a singer, and to teach
her himself first for nothing. That is to say, of course, she would pay
him, I suppose, when he had finished her, and she had got a good
engagement. You know they make loads of money, these singers--and she
has got as fine a voice as any of them. Well, now, fancy, Mr. Ashford,
knowing that she could set us all up in this way, and give me a thorough
good start--she’s refused; and after that she goes and talks about me!”
For a moment Mr. Ashford was quite silenced by this sudden assault. A
bold thrust is not to be met by fine definitions, and for the first
moment the Minor Canon was staggered. Was there not some natural justice
in what the lout said? Then he recovered himself.
“But,” he said, “there are a great many objections to being a singer.”
He was a little inarticulate, the sudden attack having taken away his
breath. “A lady might well have objections; and the family might have
objections.”
“Oh! I don’t mind,” said Law; “if I did I should soon have told her; and
you may be sure the governor doesn’t mind. Not likely! The thing we want
is money, and she could make as much money as ever she pleases. And yet
she talks about me! I wish I had her chance; the Signor would not have
to speak twice; I would sing from morning to night if they liked.”
“Would you work so hard as that? Then why don’t you work a little at
your books; the one is not harder than the other?”
“Work! Do you call singing a lot of songs _work_?” said the contemptuous
Law.
CHAPTER XXIII.
GOOD ADVICE.
“Oh, he did not say much,” Law replied to Lottie’s questioning when he
went home in the afternoon. “He was very jolly--asked me to stay, and
gave me lunch. How they live, those fellows! Cutlets, and cold grouse,
and _pâté de foie gras_--something like. You girls think you know about
housekeeping; you only know how to pinch and scrape, that’s all.”
Lottie did not reply, as she well might, that _pâtés de foie gras_ were
not bought off such allowances as hers; she answered rather with
feminine heat, as little to the purpose as her brother’s taunt, “As if
it mattered what we ate! If you had grouse or if you had
bread-and-cheese, what difference does it make? You care for such mean
things, and nothing at all about your character or your living. _What_
did Mr. Ashford say?”
“My character?” said Law. “I’ve done nothing wrong. As for my living,
I’m sure I don’t know how _that’s_ to be got, neither does he. He thinks
I should emigrate or go into the army--just what I think myself. He’s
_very_ jolly; a kind of man that knows what you mean, and don’t just go
off on his own notions. I think,” said Law, “that he thinks it very
queer of you, when you could set me up quite comfortably, either in the
army or abroad, not to do it. He did not say much, but I could see that
he thought it very queer.”
“I--could set you up--what is it you mean, Law?” Lottie was too much
surprised at first to understand. “How could I set you up?” she went on,
faltering. “You don’t mean that you told Mr. Ashford about---- Oh, Law,
you are cruel. Do you want to bring us down to the dust, and leave us no
honour, no reputation at all? First thinking to enlist as a common
soldier, and then--me!”
“Well, then you. Why not you as well as me, Lottie? You’ve just as good
a right to work as I have; you’re the eldest. If I am to be bullied for
not reading, which I hate, why should you refuse to sing, which you
like? Why, you’re always squalling all over the place, even when there’s
nobody to hear you--you could make a very good living by it; and what’s
more,” said Law, with great gravity, “be of all the use in the world to
me.”
“How could I be of use to you?” said Lottie, dropping her work upon her
knee and looking up at him with wondering eyes. This was a point of view
which had not struck her before, but she had begun to perceive that her
indignation was wasted, and that it was she only in her family who had
any idea that a girl should be spared anything. “Law,” she said
piteously, “do you think it is because I don’t want to work? Am I ever
done working? You do a little in the morning, but I am at it all the
day. Do you think Mary could keep the house as it is and do everything?”
“Pshaw!” answered Law, “anybody could do that.”
Lottie was not meek by nature, and it was all she could do to restrain
her rising temper. “Mary has wages, and I have none,” she said. “I don’t
mind the work; but if there is one difference between the common people
and gentlefolk, it is that girls who are ladies are not sent out to
work. It is for men to work out in the world, and for women to work at
home. Would you like everybody to be able to pay a shilling and go and
see your sister? Oh, Law, it is for you as much as for me that I am
speaking. Everybody free to stare and to talk, and I standing there
before them all, to sing whatever they told me, and to be cheered,
perhaps, and people clapping their hands at me--at me, your sister, a
girl---- Law! you would not have it; I know you could not bear it. You
would rush and pull me away, and cover me with a cloak, and hide me from
those horrible people’s eyes.”
“Indeed I should do nothing of the sort,” said Law; “I’d clap you too--I
should like it. If they were hissing it would be a different matter.
Besides, you know, you could change your name. They all change their
names. You might be Miss Smith, which would hurt nobody. Come, now, if
you are going to be reasonable, Lottie, and discuss the matter--why,
your great friend Miss Huntington sang at a concert once--not for any
good, not to be paid for it--only to make an exhibition of herself (and
she was not much to look at either). Don’t you remember? It would be
nothing worse than that, and heaps of ladies do that. Then it is quite
clear you must do something, and what else would you like to do?”
Lottie frowned a little, not having taken this question into
consideration, as it would have been right for her to do; but the things
that concerned other people had always seemed to her so much more
important. She never had any doubt of her own capabilities and energies.
When the question was thus put to her she paused.
“Just now I am at home; I have plenty to do,” she said. Then, after
another pause, “If things change here--if I cannot stay here, Law, why
shouldn’t we go together? You must get an appointment, and I would take
care of you. I could make the money go twice as far as you would. I
could help you if you had work to do at home--copying or anything--I
would do it. It would not cost more for two of us than for one. I could
do everything for you, even your washing; and little things besides. Oh,
I don’t doubt I could get quantities of little things to do,” said
Lottie, with a smile of confidence in her own powers; “and no one need
be the wiser. You would be thought to have enough for us both.”
“Listen to me, now,” said Law, who had shown many signs of impatience,
not to say consternation. “What you mean is (_if_ you know what you
mean), that you intend to live upon me. You needn’t stare; you don’t
think what you’re saying, but that is what you really mean when all is
done. Look here, Lottie; if I were to get a place I should live in
lodgings. I should bring in other fellows to see me. I shouldn’t want to
have my sister always about. As for not spending a penny more, that
means that you would give me dinners like what we have now; but when I
have anything to live on, of my own, I shall not stand that. I shall not
be content, I can tell you, to live as we live now. I want to be free if
I get an appointment; I don’t want to have you tied round my neck like a
millstone; I want to have my liberty and enjoy myself. If it comes to
that, I’d rather marry than have a sister always with me; but at first I
shall want to have my fling and enjoy myself. And what is the use of
having money,” said Law, with the genuine force of conviction, “unless
you can spend it upon yourself?”
Lottie was altogether taken by surprise. It was the first time they had
thus discussed the question. She made no reply to this utterance of
sound reason. She sat with her work on her knee, and her hands resting
upon it, staring at her brother. This revelation of his mind was to her
altogether new.
“But, on the other side,” said Law, feeling more and more confidence in
himself as he became used to the sound of his own voice, and felt
himself to be unanswerable, “on the other side, a singer gets jolly
pay--far better than any young fellow in an office; and you could quite
well afford to give me an allowance, so that I might get into the army
as a fellow ought. You might give me a hundred or two a year and never
feel it; and with that I could live upon my pay. And you needn’t be
afraid that I should be ashamed of you,” said generous Law; “not one
bit. I should stand by you and give you my countenance as long as you
conducted yourself to my satisfaction. I should never forsake you. When
you sang anywhere I’d be sure to go and clap you like a madman,
especially if you went under another name (they all do); that would
leave me more free. Now you must see, Lottie, a young fellow in an
office could not be much good to you, but you could be of great use to
me.”
Still Lottie did not make any reply. No more terrible enlightenment ever
came to an unsuspecting listener. She saw gradually rising before her as
he spoke, not only a new Law, but a new version of herself till this
moment unknown to her. This, as was natural, caught her attention most;
it made her gasp with horror and affright. Was this herself--Lottie? It
was the Lottie her brother knew. That glimpse of herself through Law’s
eyes confounded her. She seemed to see the coarse and matter-of-fact
young woman who wanted to live upon her brother’s work; to make his
dinners scanty in order that she might have a share, to interfere with
his companions and his pleasures--so distinctly, that her mouth was
closed and her very heart seemed to stop beating. Was this herself? Was
this how she appeared to other people’s eyes? She was too much
thunderstruck, overawed by it, to say anything. The strange difference
between this image and her own self-consciousness, her conviction that
it was for Law’s advantage she had been struggling; her devotion to the
interests of the family before everything, filled her with confusion and
bewilderment. Could it be she that was wrong, or was it he that was
unjust and cruel? The wonder and suddenness of it gave more poignant and
terrible force to the image of her which was evidently in Law’s mind.
All the selfish obtuseness of understanding, the inability to perceive
what she meant, or to understand the object of her anxiety, which had so
wounded and troubled her in Law, her brother had found in her. To him it
was apparent that what Lottie wanted was not his good, but that she
might have some one to work for her, some one to save her from working.
She gazed not at Law, but at the visionary representation of herself
which Law was seeing, with a pang beyond any words. She could not for
the moment realise the brighter image which he made haste to present
before her of the generous sister who made him an allowance, and enabled
him to enter the army “as a fellow ought,” and of whom he promised never
to be ashamed. It is much to be doubted whether Lottie had any warm
sense of humour at the best of times; certainly she showed herself quite
devoid of it now. She was so hurt and sore that she could not speak. It
was not true. How could he be so cruel and unjust to her? But yet could
it be at all true? Was it possible that this coarse picture was like
Lottie, would be taken for Lottie by anyone else? She kept looking at
him after he had stopped speaking, unable to take her eyes from him,
looking like a dumb creature who has no other power of remonstrance.
Perhaps in other circumstances Lottie would have been so foolish and
childish as to cry; now she battled vaguely, dismally, with a sense of
heartbreaking injustice, yet asking herself could any part of it be
true?
“Don’t stare at me so,” said Law; “you look as if you had never seen a
fellow before. Though he was civil and did not say anything, it was easy
to see that was what old Ashford thought. And I’ve got to go back to him
to-morrow, if that will please you; and, by the way, he said he’d
perhaps come and see you and tell you what he thought. By Jove, it’s
getting late. If I don’t get out at once he’ll come and palaver, and I
shall have to stay in and lose my afternoon, as I lost the morning. I’m
off, Lottie. You need not wait for me for tea.”
It did not make much difference to her when he went away, plunging down
the little staircase in two or three long steps. Lottie sat like an
image in stone, all the strength taken from her. She seemed to have
nothing left to say to herself--no ground to stand on, no
self-explanation to offer. She had exhausted all her power of
self-assertion for the moment; now she paused and looked at herself as
her father and brother saw her--a hard, scanty, parsimonious
housekeeper, keeping them on the simplest fare, denying them
indulgences, standing in their way. What if she kept the house, as she
fondly hoped, like a gentleman’s house, sweet and fresh, and as fair as
its faded furniture permitted? What did they care for tidiness and
order? What if she managed, by infinite vigilance and precaution, to pay
her bills and keep the credit of the household, so far as her power
went, unimpaired? They did not mind debts and duns, except at the mere
moment of encountering the latter, and were entirely indifferent to the
credit of the name. She was in her father’s way, who before this time
would have married the woman who brushed past Lottie on the Slopes but
for having this useless grown-up daughter, whom he did not know how to
dispose of; and if Law got an appointment (that almost impossible, yet
fondly cherished, expectation which had kept a sort of forlorn
brightness in the future), it now turned out that she would be in Law’s
way as much or more than in her father’s. Lottie’s heart contracted with
pain; her spirit failed her. She, who had felt so strong, so capable, so
anxious to inspire others with her own energy and force; she, who had
felt herself the support of her family, their standard-bearer, the only
one who was doing anything to uphold the falling house--in a moment she
had herself fallen too, undermined even in her own opinion. Many a blow
and thrust had she received in the course of her combative life, and
given back with vigour and a stout heart. Never before had she lost her
confidence in herself; the certainty that she was doing her best, that
with her was the redeeming force, the honourable principle which might
yet convert the others, and save the family, and elevate the life of the
house. What she felt now was that she herself, the last prop of the
Despards, was overthrown and lying in ruin. Was it possible that she was
selfish too, seeking her own ease like the rest, avoiding what she
disliked just the same as they did? A sudden moisture of intense pain
suffused Lottie’s eyes. She was too heartstruck, too fallen to weep. She
covered her face with her hands, though there was no one to cover it
from, with the natural gesture of anguish, seeking to be hidden even
from itself.
Lottie did not pay much attention, although she heard steps coming up
the stair. What did it matter? Either it was Law, who had stricken her
so wantonly to the ground; or her father, who did not care what happened
to her; or Mrs. O’Shaughnessy, who did not count. Few other people
mounted the stairs to the little drawing-room in Captain Despard’s
house. But when she raised her head, all pale and smileless, and saw
that the visitor was Mr. Ashford, Lottie scarcely felt that this was a
stranger, or that there was any occasion to exert herself and change her
looks and tones. Did not he think so too? She rose up, putting down her
work, and made him a solemn salutation. She did not feel capable of
anything more. The Minor Canon drew back his hand, which she did not
see, with the perturbation of a shy man repulsed. Lottie was not to him
so unimportant a person as she was to her brother. She was surrounded by
all the unconscious state of womanhood and mystery and youth--a creature
with qualities beyond his ken, wonderful to him, as unknown though
visible, and attracting his imagination more than any other of these
wonderful mystic creatures, of whom he had naturally encountered many in
his life, had ever done. His heart, which had so swelled with pity and
admiration on Sunday evening, was not less sympathetic and admiring
now, notwithstanding that it was through Law’s eyes that he had been
seeing her to-day; and this repulse, which was so unlike her candour and
frankness yesterday, gave him a little pain. He wanted to be of use to
her, and he wanted to tell her so--and to repel him while he had these
generous purposes in his mind seemed hard. He sat down, however,
embarrassed, on the chair she pointed him to; and looking at her, when
thus brought nearer, he discovered, even with his short-sighted eyes,
how pale she was and how woebegone. Some one had been vexing her, no
doubt, poor child! This took the shyness out of Mr. Ashford’s voice.
“I have come to make my report,” he said, in as even a tone as he could
command, “about Lawrence. He has told you--that he has been with me most
of the day?”
“Yes.” When Lottie saw that more than this monosyllable was expected
from her, she made an effort to rouse herself. “I fear it is not
anything very encouraging that you have to say?”
“I have two things to say, Miss Despard--if you will permit me. Did you
ever read Lord Chesterfield’s Letters? But no, perhaps they are not
reading for such as you. There are many wickednesses in them which would
disgust you, but there is one most tragic, touching thing in them----”
He made a pause; and Lottie, who was young and variable, and ready to
be interested in spite of herself, looked up and asked “What is that?”
“I wonder if I may say it?--it is the effort of the father to put
himself--not a good man, but a fine, subtle, ambitious, aspiring
spirit--into his son; and the complete and terrible failure of the
attempt.”
“I do not know--what that can have to do with Law and me.”
“Yes. Pardon me for comparing you in your generous anxiety to a man who
was not a hero. But, Miss Despard, you see what I mean. You will never
put yourself into Law. He does not understand you; he is not capable of
it. You must give up the attempt. I am only a new acquaintance, but I
think I must be an old friend, somehow. I want you to give up the
attempt.”
He looked at her with such a kind comprehension and pity in his eyes,
that Lottie’s heart sprang up a little from its profound depression,
like a trodden-down flower, to meet this first gleam of sunshine. She
did not quite see what he meant even now, but it was something that
meant kindness and approval of her. “He cannot think _that_ of me!” she
said to herself.
“I am glad you will hear me out,” he said, with a look of relief, “for
the rest is better. Law is not stupid. He would not be your brother if
he were stupid. He is a little too prudent, I think. He will not hear
of emigrating, because he has no money, nor of trying for the army,
because he could not live on his pay. Right enough, perhaps, in both
cases; but a hot-headed boy would not mind these considerations, and a
fellow of resolution might succeed in either way.”
“He has always been like that,” said Lottie. “You see Law does not want
anything very much except to be as well off as possible. He would never
make up his mind what to try for. He says, anything; and anything
means---- Oh! Mr. Ashford, I want to ask you something about myself. Do
you think it is just as bad and selfish of me to refuse to be--oh! a
public singer? I thought I was right,” said Lottie, putting out her
hands with unconscious dramatic action, as if groping her way; “but now
I am all in doubt. I don’t know what to think. Is it just the same? Is
it as bad of me?”
She looked at him anxiously, as if he could settle the question, and the
Minor Canon did not know what reply to make. He was on both
sides--feeling with her to the bottom of his heart; yet seeing, too,
where the reason lay.
“I am very sure you are doing nothing either bad or selfish,” he said;
but hesitated and added no more.
“You won’t tell me,” she cried; “that must mean that you are against me.
Mr. Ashford, I have always heard that there was a great difference
between girls and boys; like this: that for a boy to work was always
honourable, but for a girl to work was letting down the family. Mamma--I
don’t know if she was a good judge--always said so. She said it was
better to do anything than work, so as that people should know. There
was a lady, who was an officer’s wife, just as good as we were, but they
all said she was a governess once, and were disagreeable to her. It
seemed a kind of disgrace to all the children. Their mother was a
governess----”
“But that is very bad; very cruel,” said the Minor Canon. “I am sure, in
your heart, that is not a thing of which you can approve.”
“No,” said Lottie, doubtfully; “except just this--that it would be far
more credit, far more _right_, if the men were to try hard and keep the
girls at home. That is what I thought. Oh, it is not the work I think
of! Work! I like it. I don’t mind what I do. But there must always be
somebody for the work at home. Do you suppose Mary could manage for them
if I were not here? There would be twice as much spent, and everything
would be different. And do you not think, Mr. Ashford, that it would be
more credit to them--better for everyone, more honourable for Law, if he
were at work and I at home, rather than that people should say, ‘His
sister is a singer?’ Ah! would you let your own sister be a singer if
you were as poor as we are? Or would you rather fight it out with the
world, and keep her safe at home, only serving you?”
“My sister!” said the Minor Canon. He was half-affronted, half-touched,
and wholly unreasonable. “That she should never do! not so long as her
brother lived to work for her--nor would I think it fit either that she
should serve me.”
“Ah, but there you are wrong,” said Lottie, whose face was lighted up
with a smile of triumph. “I thought you would be on my side! But there
you are wrong. She would be happy, proud to serve you. Do you think I
mean we are to be idle, not to take our share? Oh, no, no! In nature a
man works and rests; but a woman never rests. Look at the poor people.
The man has his time to himself in the evenings, and his wife serves
him. It is quite right--it is her share. I should never, never grumble
at that. Only,” cried Lottie, involuntarily clasping her hands, “not to
be sent outside to work there! I keep Mary for the name of the thing;
because it seems right to have a servant; but if we could not afford to
keep Mary do you think I would make a fuss? Oh, no, Mr. Ashford, no! I
could do three times what she does. I should not mind what I did. But if
it came to going out, to having it known, to letting people say, ‘His
sister is a governess,’ or (far worse) ‘His sister is a singer’--it is
that I cannot bear.”
Mr. Ashford was carried away by this torrent of words, and by the
natural eloquence of her eyes and impassioned voice, and varying
countenance. He did not know what to say. He shook his head, but when he
came to himself, and found his footing again, made what stand he could.
“You forget,” he said, “that all this would be of no use for yourself or
your future----”
“For me!” Lottie took the words out of his mouth with a flush and glow
of beautiful indignation. “Was it _me_ I was thinking of? Oh, I thought
you understood!” she cried.
“Let me speak, Miss Despard. Yes, I understand. You would be their
servant; you would work all the brightness of your life away. You would
never think of yourself; and when it suited them to make a change--say
when it suited Law to marry--you would be thrown aside, and you would
find yourself without a home, wearied, worn out with your work,
disappointed, feeling the thanklessness, the bitterness of the world.”
Lottie’s face clouded over. She looked at him, half-defiant,
half-appealing. “That is not how--one’s brother would behave. You would
not do it----”
“No; perhaps I would not do it--but, on the other hand,” said Mr.
Ashford, “I might do--what was as bad. I might make a sacrifice. I
might--give up marrying the woman whom I loved for my sister’s sake.
Would that be a better thing to do?”
Their eyes met when he spoke of the woman he loved--that is, he looked
at Lottie, who was gazing intently at him; and strangely enough, they
could not tell why, both blushed, as if the sudden contact of their
looks had set their faces aglow. Lottie instinctively drew back without
knowing it; and he, leaning towards her, repeated, almost with
vehemence:
“Would that be a better thing to do?”
Lottie hid her face in her hands. “Oh, no, no!” she said, her sensitive
frame trembling. Mr. Ashford was old, and Law was but a boy--how could
there be any question of the woman either loved?
“Forgive me, Miss Despard, if I seem to go against you--my heart is all
with you; but you ought to be independent,” he said. “Either the woman
would be sacrificed or the man would be sacrificed. And that kind of
sacrifice is bad for everybody. Don’t be angry with me. Sacrifices
generally are bad; the more you do for others, the more selfish they
become. Have you not seen that even in your little experience? There are
many people who never have it in their power to be independent; but
those who have should not neglect it--even if it is not in a pleasant
way.”
“Even if it is by--being a singer?” She lifted her head again, and once
more fixed upon him eyes which were full of unshed tears. Taking counsel
had never been in Lottie’s way; but neither had doubt ever been in her
way till now. Everything before had been very plain. Right and
wrong--two broad lines straight before her; now there was right and
wrong on both sides, and her landmarks were removed. She looked at her
adviser as women look, to see not only what he said, but whatsoever
shade of unexpressed opinion might cross his face.
“It is not so dreadful after all,” he said. “It is better than many
other ways. I am afraid life is hard, as you say, upon a girl, Miss
Despard. She must be content with little things. This is one of the few
ways in which she can really get independence--and--stop, hear me
out--the power to help others too.”
Lottie had almost begun a passionate remonstrance; but these last words
stopped her. Though she might not like the way, still was it possible
that this might be a way of setting everything right? She stopped gazing
at her counsellor, her eyelids puckered with anxiety, her face quite
colourless, and expressing nothing but this question. Not a pleasant
way--a way of martyrdom to her pride--involving humiliation, every pang
she could think of; but still, perhaps, a way of setting everything
right.
CHAPTER XXIV.
A CRISIS.
When Lottie got up next morning the world seemed to have changed to her.
It had changed a little in reality, as sometimes one day differs from
another in autumn, the world having visibly made a more marked
revolution than usual in a single night. It had got on to the end of
August, and there were traces of many fiery fingers upon the leaves on
the Slopes. It had been a very fine summer, but it was coming
prematurely to an end, everybody said, and about the horizon there began
to be veils of luminous mist in the morning, and soft haze that veiled
the evening light. This autumnal aspect of the world seemed to have come
on in that one night. The Virginian creeper round the window had
“turned” in several patches of scarlet and yellow all at once. It was
beautiful, but it was the first step towards winter and the chills--the
first evidence of a year decaying which makes the spectator pause and
think. When Lottie woke she felt in her heart that consciousness of
something, she knew not what, something that had happened to her, that
over-shadowed her, and forced itself upon her before she could tell
what it was, which is the way care manifests itself at our bedsides:
something that made her heart heavy the first thing on awaking. Then she
remembered what it was. Lottie, we have said, was not a girl who was in
the habit of taking advice; but for that once she had taken it, seizing
upon the first trustworthy witness she could find who would bring an
impartial eye to the problem of her life. She had been very strong in
her own opinion before, but when reason was put before her Lottie could
not shut her eyes to it. Neither could she dawdle and delay when there
was anything to do. She awoke with the consciousness that some ghost was
lurking behind her white curtains. Then with a start and shiver
remembered and realised it, and, drawing herself together, made up her
mind to act at once. What was the use of putting off? Putting off was
the reason why Law was so backward, and Lottie was not one of those who
let the grass grow under their feet. The more disagreeable the first
step was, the more reason was there that it should be taken to-day. She
went downstairs with a gleam of resolution in her eyes. After the shock
of finding out that there is a painful thing to do, the determination to
do it at once is a relief. It brings an almost pleasure into the pain to
set your face to it bravely and get done with it; there is thus an
exhilaration even in what is most disagreeable. So Lottie felt. Her
despondency and depression were gone. She had something definite to do,
and she would do it, let what obstacle soever stand in the way. She made
the family tea and cut the bread with more energy than usual. She was
the first visible, as she always was, but her mind was fully occupied
with her own affairs, and she was glad enough to be alone for half an
hour. After that she had to go up again and knock at her father’s door,
to remind him that there was but little time for breakfast before the
bell began to ring for matins; but she had taken her own breakfast and
begun her work before the Captain and Law came downstairs. When she had
poured out their tea for them she sat down in the window-seat with her
sewing. She did not take any share in their talk, neither did she watch,
as she often did, the stir of morning life in the Dean’s Walk--the
tradesmen’s carts going about, the perambulators from the town pushing
upward, with fresh nursemaids behind, to the shady walk on the Slopes;
now and then a tall red soldier showing against the grey wall of the
Abbey opposite; the old Chevaliers beginning to turn out, taking their
little morning promenade before the bells began. The stir was usually
pleasant to Lottie, but she took no notice of it to-day. She was going
to matins herself this morning--not perhaps altogether for devotion, but
with the idea, after the service, of lying in wait at the north gate for
the exit of the Signor.
How it was that the subject came under discussion Lottie did not know.
She woke to it only when it came across herself and touched upon her own
thoughts. It was Law who was saying something (it was fit for him to say
so!), grumbling about the inequality of education, and that girls had
just as good a right to work as boys.
“I should like to know,” he said, “why I should have to get hold of a
lot of books, and trot over to old Ashford, and work like a slave till
one o’clock, while she sits as cool and as fresh as can be, and never
stirs?” He was not addressing anybody in particular, but grumbling to
the whole world at large, which was Law’s way. Generally his father took
no notice of him, but some prick of sensation in the air no doubt moved
him to-day.
“Speak of things you know something about,” said the Captain; “that’s
the best advice I can give you, Law. And let Lottie alone. Who wants her
to work? The fresher she looks and the better she looks, the more likely
she is to get a husband; and that’s a girl’s first duty. Is that the
bell?” said Captain Despard, rising, drawing himself up, and pulling his
collar and wristbands into due display. “Let me hear nothing about work.
No daughter of mine shall ever disgrace herself and me in that way. Get
yourself a husband, my child; that’s the only work I’ll ever
permit--that’s all a lady can do. A good husband, Lottie. If I heard of
some one coming forward I’d be happier, I don’t deny. Bring him to the
scratch, my dear; or if you’re in difficulty refer him to me.”
He was gone before Lottie could utter a word of the many that rushed to
her lips. She turned upon Law instead, who sat and chuckled behind his
roll. “If it had not been for you he would not have insulted me so!” she
cried.
“Oh, insulted you! You need not be so grand. They say you may have
Purcell if you like,” said Law, “or even the Signor; but it’s the other
fellow, Ridsdale, you know, your old flame, the governor is thinking of.
If you could catch _him_ now! though I don’t believe a fellow like that
could mean anything. But even Purcell is better than nothing. If you
would take my advice----”
Lottie did not stay to hear any more. He laughed as she rushed out of
the room, putting up her hands to her ears. But Law was surprised that
she did not strike a blow for herself before she left him. Her
self-restraint had a curious effect upon the lad. “Is anything up?” he
said to himself. Generally it was no difficult matter to goad Lottie to
fury with allusions like this. He sat quite still and listened while she
ran upstairs into her own room, which was overhead. Then Law
philosophically addressed himself to what was left of the breakfast. He
had an excellent appetite; and the bell ringing outside which called so
many people, but not him, and the sight of the old Chevaliers streaming
across the road, and the morning congregation hurrying along to the door
in the cloisters, pleased him as he finished his meal, without even his
sister’s eye upon him to remark the ravages he made in the butter. But
when he heard Lottie’s step coming down stairs again Law stopped, not
without a sense of guilt, and listened intently. She did not come in,
which was a relief, but his surprise was great when he heard her walk
past the open door of the little dining-room, and next moment saw her
flit past the window on the way to the Abbey. He got up, though he had
not finished, and stared after her till she, too, disappeared in the
cloister. “Something must be up,” he repeated to himself.
Lottie’s silence, however, was not patience, neither was it any want of
susceptibility to what had been said. Even this, probably, she would
have felt more had her mind not been preoccupied by her great
resolution. But when she found herself in the Abbey, abstracted from all
external circumstances, the great voice of the organ filling the
beautiful place, the people silently filling up the seats, the choir in
their white robes filing in, it seemed very strange to Lottie that the
service could go on as it did, undisturbed by the beats of her heart and
the commotion of her thoughts. Enough trouble and tumult to drown even
the music were in that one corner where she leant her shoulder against
the old dark oak, finding some comfort in the physical support. And she
did not, it must be allowed, pay very much attention to the service; her
voice joined in the responses fitfully, but her heart wandered far away.
No, not far away. Mr. Ashford’s counsel, and her father’s, kept coming
and going through her mind. Truth to tell, Captain Despard’s decision
against the possibility of work gave work an instant value in his
daughter’s eyes. We do not defend Lottie for her undutifulness; but as
most of the things she had cared for in her life had been opposed by her
father, and all the things against which she set her face in fierceness
of youthful virtue were supported by him, it could scarcely be expected
that his verdict would be very effectual with her. It gave her a little
spirit and encouragement in her newly-formed resolution, and it helped
her a little to overcome the prejudice in her mind when she felt that
her father was in favour of that prejudice. He did not want her to work,
to bring the discredit of a daughter who earned her own living upon him;
he wanted to sell her to any one who would offer for her, to make her
“catch” some man, to put forth wiles to attract him and bring him into
her net. Lottie, who believed in love, and who believed in womanhood,
with such a faith as perhaps girls only possess: what silent rage and
horror filled her at this thought! She believed in womanhood, not so
much in herself. For the sake of that abstraction, not for her own, she
wanted to be wooed reverently, respected above all. A man, to be a
perfect man, ought to look upon every woman as a princess of romance:
not for her individual sake so much as for his sake, that he might fall
short of no nobleness and perfection. This was Lottie’s theory
throughout. She would have Law reverence his sister, and tenderly care
for her, because that would prove Law to be of the noblest kind of men.
She wanted to be worshipped in order to prove triumphantly to herself
that the man who did so was an heroic lover. This was how Rollo had
caught her imagination, her deceived imagination, which put into Rollo’s
looks and words so much that was not really there. This simple yet
superlative thread of romance ran through all her thoughts. She leaned
back upon the carved oak of the stall, preoccupied, while the choristers
chanted, thinking more of all this than of the service. And then, with a
sudden pang, there came across her mind the thought of the descent that
would be necessary from that white pedestal of her maidenhood, the
sheltered and protected position of the girl at home, which alone seemed
to be fit and right. She would have to descend from that, and gather up
her spotless robes about her, and come out to encounter the storms of
the world. All that had elevated her in her own conceit was going from
her--and what, oh! what could he, or anyone, find afterwards in her? He
would turn away most likely with a sigh or groan from a girl who could
thus throw away her veil and her crown and stand up and confront the
world. Lottie seemed to see her downfall with the eyes of her visionary
lover, and the anguish that brought with it crushed her very heart.
Did it ever occur to her that an alternative had been offered for her
acceptance? Once, for a moment, she saw Purcell’s melancholy face look
down upon her from the organ-loft, and gave him a kind, half-sad,
half-amused momentary thought. Poor fellow! she could have cried for the
pain she must have given him, and yet she could have laughed, though she
was ashamed of the impulse. Poor boy! it must have been only a delusion;
he would forget it; he would find somebody of his own class, she said to
herself, uneasy to think she had troubled him, yet with the only
half-smile that circumstances had afforded her for days past. Captain
Despard, had he known, would have thought Purcell’s suit well worthy of
consideration in the absence of a better; and the Signor, whom Lottie
had made up her mind to address, darted fiery glances at her from the
organ-loft, taking up his pupil’s cause with heat and resentment; but
she herself sailed serenely over the Purcell incident altogether,
looking down upon it from supreme heights of superiority. It did not
occur to her as a thing to be seriously thought of, much less in her
confusion and anguish, as a reasonable way of escape. And thus the
morning went on, the chanting and the reading, and all those outcries
to God and appeals to His mercy which His creatures utter daily with so
much calm. Did anybody mean it when they all burst forth, “Lord have
mercy upon us, Christ have mercy upon us?” This cry woke Lottie, and her
dreaming soul came back, and she held up her clasped hands in a
momentary passion of entreaty. The sudden wildness of the cry in the
midst of all that stately solemnity of praying caught her visionary
soul. It was as if all the rest had missed His ear, all the music and
the poetry, King David harping on his harp, and Handel with his blind
face raised to heaven; and nothing was left but to snatch at the
garments of the Master as He went away, not hearing, not looking, or
appearing not to look and hear. This poor young soul in the midst of her
self-questionings and struggles woke up to the passionate reality of
that cry. “Lord have mercy upon us, Christ have mercy upon us!” and then
it went away from her again in thunders of glorious music, in solemnity
of well-known words, and she lost herself once more in her own thoughts.
Lottie withdrew timidly into the aisle when the service was over. She
knew the Signor would pass that way, and it seemed to her that it would
be easier to speak to him there than to go to his house, which was the
only other alternative. But the Signor, when he came out, was encircled
by a group of his pupils, and darted a vengeful, discouraging glance at
her as he passed. He would not pause nor take any notice of the step she
made towards him, the wistful look in her face. If he had seen it, it
would have given him a certain pleasure to disappoint Lottie, for the
Signor had a womanish element in him, and was hot and merciless in his
partisanship. He cast a glance at her that might have slain her, that
was as far from encouraging her as anything could be, and passed quickly
by, taking no other notice. Thus her mission was fruitless; and it was
the same in the afternoon, when she went out by the north door and made
believe to be passing when the musician came out. To do him justice, he
had no notion that she wanted him, but wondered a little to find her a
second time in his way. He was obliged, as it was outside the Abbey, to
take off his hat to her; but he did so in the most grudging, hasty way,
and went on talking with his pupils, pretending to be doubly engaged and
deeply interested in what the lads were saying. There was no chance
then, short of going to his house, of carrying out her resolution for
this day.
But in the evening, when all was still, Lottie, who had been sitting at
home working and thinking till her heart was sick and her brain
throbbing, put on her hat and went out in the dusk to get the air at the
door. It was a lovely, quiet night, the moon rising over the grey
pinnacles of the Abbey, marking out its great shadow upon the Dean’s
Walk, and the mignonette smelling sweet in all the little gardens. A few
of the old Chevaliers were still about, breathing the sweetness of the
evening like Lottie herself. Captain Temple, who was among them, came up
to her with his old-fashioned fatherly gallantry as soon as he saw her.
“Will you take a turn, my dear?” he said. He had no child, and she had
never had, so to speak, any father, at least in this way. They went up
and down the terrace pavement, and then they crossed the road to the
Abbey, from which, though it was so late, the tones of the great organ
were beginning to steal out upon the night. “Is this a ghost that is
playing, or what can the Signor be thinking of?” Captain Temple said.
Old Wykeham, that gruff old guardian of the sacred place, was standing
with his keys in his hands at the south door. He had not his usual rusty
gown nor his velvet cap, being then in an unofficial capacity; but
Wykeham would not have been Wykeham without his keys. And though he was
gruff he knew to whom respect was due. “Yessir, there’s something going
on inside. One o’ the Signor’s fancies. He have got some friends inside,
a playing his voluntaries to them. And if you like, Captain, I will let
you in in a moment, sir.” “Shall we go, my dear?” the old Captain said.
And next moment they were in the great gloom of the Abbey, which was so
different in its solemnity from the soft summer dark outside. There was
a gleam of brilliant light in the organ-loft where the Signor was
playing, which threw transverse rays out on either side into the
darkness, showing vaguely the carved work of the canopies over the
stalls, and the faded banners that hung over them. Down in the deep
gloom of the choir below a few figures were dimly perceptible. Lottie
and her kind old companion did not join these privileged listeners. They
kept outside in the nave, where the moon, which had just climbed the
height of the great windows, had suddenly burst in, throwing huge
dimly-coloured pictures of the painted glass upon the floor. Lottie, who
was not so sensible as she might have been, preferred this partial
light, notwithstanding the mystic charm of the darkness, which was
somewhat awful to look in upon through the open door of the choir. She
put her hand, a little tremulous, on the old Captain’s arm, and stood
and listened, feeling all her troubles calmed. What was it that thus
calmed her perturbed soul? She thought it was the awe of the place, the
spell of the darkness and the moonlight, the music that made it all
wonderful. The Signor was playing a strange piece of old music when the
two came in. It was an old litany, and Lottie thought as she listened
that she could hear an unseen choir in the far distance, high among the
grey pinnacles, on the edge of the clouds, intoning in intricate
delicate circles of harmony the responses. Was it the old monks? Was it
the angels? Who could tell? “Lottie, my love, that is the _vox humana_
stop,” said the kind old Captain, who knew something about it; and as
he, too, was no wiser than other people, he began to whisper an
explanation to her of how it was. But Lottie cared nothing about stops.
She could hear the solemn singers of the past quiring far off at some
unseen altar, the softened distant sweetness of the reply. Her heart
rose up into the great floating circling atmosphere of song. She seemed
to get breath again, to get rest to her soul: a strange impulse came
over her. She, who was so shy, so uncertain of her power, so bitterly
unwilling to adopt the trade that was being forced upon her: it was all
that she could do to keep herself from singing, joining to those
mystical spiritual voices her own that was full of life and youth. Her
breast swelled, her lips came apart, her voice all but escaped from her,
soaring into that celestial distance. All at once the strain stopped,
and she with it, coming down to the Abbey nave again, where she stood in
the midst of the dim reflected rubies and amethysts and silvery whites
of a great painted window, giddy and leaning upon the old Chevalier.
“It was the _vox humana_. It is too theatrical for my taste, my dear. It
was invented by----”
“Oh, hush, hush!” cried Lottie, under her breath; “he is beginning
again.”
This time it was the “Pastoral Symphony” the Signor played--music that
was never intended for the chill of winter, but for the gleaming stars,
the soft falling dews, the ineffable paleness and tenderness of spring.
It came upon Lottie like those same dews from heaven. She grasped the
old man’s arm, but she could not keep herself from the response which no
longer seemed to come back from any unseen and mystic shrine. Why should
the old monks come back to sing, or the angels have the trouble, who
have so much else to do, when Lottie was there? When the “Pastoral
Symphony” was over the Signor went on, and she with him. Surely there
must have been some secret understanding that no one knew of--not
themselves. He played on unconscious, and she lifted up her head to the
moonlight and her voice to heaven and sang--
There were shepherds watching their flocks by night.
Lottie let go her hold of the Captain’s arm. She wanted no support now.
She wanted nothing but to go on, to tell all that divine story from end
to end. It got possession of her. She did not remember even the changes
of the voices; the end of one strain and another was nothing to her. She
sang through the whole of the songs that follow each other without a
pause or a falter. And like her, without questioning, without
hesitation, the Signor played on. It was not till she had proclaimed
into the gloom that “His yoke is easy and His burden light” that she
came to herself. The last chords thrilled and vibrated through the
great arches and died away in lingering echoes in the vast gloom of the
roof. And then there was a pause.
Lottie came to herself. She was not overwhelmed and exhausted by the
effort, as she had been at the Deanery. She felt herself come down, as
out of heaven, and slowly became aware of Captain Temple looking at her
with a disturbed countenance, and old Wykeham in all the agitation of
alarm. “If I’d have known I’d never have let you in. It’s as much as my
place is worth,” the old man was saying; and Captain Temple, very kindly
and fatherly, but troubled too, and by no means happy, gave her his arm
hurriedly. “I think we had better go, my dear,” he said; “I think we had
better go.”
Some one stopped them at the door--some one who took her hand in his
with a warmth which enthusiasm permitted.
“I knew it must be you, if it were not one of the angels,” he said; “one
or the other. I have just come; and what a welcome I have had--too good
for a king!”
“I did not know you were here, Mr. Ridsdale,” said Lottie, faintly,
holding fast by Captain Temple’s arm.
“But I knew you were here; it was in the air,” he said, half-whispering.
“Good-night; but good-night lasts only till to-morrow, thank heaven.”
CHAPTER XXV.
WHAT FOLLOWED.
Captain Temple was not happy about the events of that evening. He had
begun to grow very fond of Lottie, and he was not pleased that she
should have “made an exhibition of herself.” He went over it so often to
his wife that Mrs. Temple learned the incident by heart. There was in
her mind, mingled with an intense silent interest in the girl who was
like her own, a feeling of repulsion too, equally intense and silent,
which joined with the opposite sentiment, and kept Lottie as constantly
present to her mind as she was in the Captain’s talk. And, though it
sometimes appeared to her that she would die of this girl, who reminded
her at every step that she had lost her child, yet she could not check
her husband’s ever-flowing, continually repeated talk on the subject.
Mrs. Temple thought this was all for his sake. Sometimes, in the
bitterness of her loss, she would cry out that she loathed the very name
of this other, who was so well and bright and full of life, while her
child was dead and gone; but, notwithstanding, Lottie had gradually come
to hold a large place in her life. How could she help thinking of her?
Grudging her very life and brightness, repenting her grudge, praying
God’s blessing on the girl whom she thus injured, avoiding her, fearing
the sight of her, watching for her whom she feared; how could it be but
that Mrs. Temple, in her lonely hours, should think of Lottie? She was
the confidant now of the old Captain’s regret.
“I thought she was a sweet, modest girl,” he said, shaking his head;
“shy, even--as I like a girl to be--very like---- My dear, I cannot bear
a girl to make an exhibition of herself----”
“But if there was no one to see her, and if you were in the dark?”
“That is true, my dear; but if they did not see her they heard her. Such
a voice! I wish you had been there--but that sort of public use of
it--and to have the confidence to sing when she was not asked!” Captain
Temple shook his head. He seemed to have done nothing but shake his head
since last night.
“Do you think that the more she has a beautiful voice the less she
should let it be heard?” said his wife. “I am not so taken up with this
Miss Despard as you are; but still I think you are unjust to her.”
“Perhaps I am unjust to her. How can I help being taken up with her? If
you knew her as well you would be taken up with her too. And I wish you
did; it would be a comfort to you. In everything she does, her walk,
every little gesture, I see something that reminds me---- I know you
don’t like to speak of it, my dear.”
Mrs. Temple set her face like a rock while the old Captain talked on. He
did nothing but speak of it, and she would not stop him. Had she not
noticed the girl’s walk? When Lottie passed Mrs. Temple turned from the
window, feeling as if some one had given her a blow. Yet what had she
gone to the window for but to watch for Lottie? And she was more just to
her than was the old Captain, who could not bear any falling off in his
ideal, who thought that a girl should never make an exhibition of
herself, and did nothing for a week after but shake his head.
The singing, however, made a great excitement in the Cloisters. It was
only a select few who had been there to hear; and they thought it was
all the Signor’s arrangement, who had provided for them so much greater
a pleasure than they expected--or, rather, an additional pleasure. “Who
was it?” everybody asked. Was it possible it could be little Rowley? But
it was inconceivable that a mere child like that could have taken the
contralto solo as well as the soprano. But was it certain that there was
only one voice? The darkness was deceptive, and all the circumstances
were so unusual, so out of the ordinary. When you came to think of it,
it could not be one voice. It must have been little Rowley and Mellor,
the big boy, whose contralto was famous. At that distance, and in the
dark, it was easy to deceive yourself and think there was only one
person singing. There was nothing talked about next morning but this
wonderful incident, and both the people who had been there and the
people who had not been there (who were piqued, and felt themselves
neglected, as a matter of course) discussed it with the utmost
excitement. Even before the hour of matins, old Pick, who was out upon
his master’s business and Mrs. Purcell’s errands, was twice interviewed
on the subject. The first time it was Rowley, the tenor, who assailed
him, whose boy was the first soprano, and whose rights were attacked. “I
should just like to know what the Signor is up to,” Rowley said. “He’s
always got some new fad or other in his head. He’ll have us all up next
into that organ-loft, like a set of Christy Minstrels. Hanged if I’ll
go!”
“Anyhow, you’ll wait till you’re asked,” said old Pick.
“I don’t advise him to ask _me_. And, look here! I want to know who it
was. If he’s bringing in somebody in the dark, on the sly, to put them
boys’ noses out!--you never can tell what a foreign fellow’s up to. I
don’t know a voice like that, not in the Abbey. If he’s smuggling in a
new boy, without no warning, to take the bread out of folks’ mouths, by
George, I won’t stand it! I’ll go to the Dean about it! Tommy’s cried
hisself hoarse. He couldn’t eat his breakfast, poor little beggar! and
he’s got ‘Hear my prayer’ this morning. Hanged if I don’t think it’s all
a scheme against me and my boy! That ain’t a child’s voice. There’s a
touch of falsetto in it, if I know anything about music. It won’t last,
not a month. I’ve heard them come out like that, that you could hear
them a mile off, just before they break.”
“Then you were there, Mr. Rowley?” said old Pick; “I thought there was
only the folks from the Deanery there.”
“I wasn’t there. Catch me in the Abbey when I’m not wanted! I have
enough of it, practising and bothering from morning till night. The
Signor’s very good for the organ. I don’t say nothing against that; but
he don’t know much about Englishmen. You do no justice to your voice
when you never give yourself no rest; but he can’t understand that. I
heard it outside. Pick, there’s a good old fellow, you know what it is
yourself, and I’m sure we’re always glad to see you when you look in at
our little place. Tell us what’s up--who is it? Tommy will have to go in
time. I don’t say nothing against that. But he’s not twelve, poor little
beggar, and his voice is as clear as a bell. He’s fit to fret himself
into a fever if they take the first solos from him. Tell us what the
Signor’s up to, and who he’s got coming in? I say it’s a shame,” said
the tenor, rising again into vehemence. “Them that is on the spot, and
belonging to the place, and bred up in the Abbey all their lives, hanged
if they should be turned out for strangers! I don’t see the fun of
that.”
“If you’ve done, Mr. Rowley, I think I’ll go,” said Pick; upon which
Rowley swore under his breath that it wasn’t like an old friend to give
a fellow no answer, and that he didn’t know what he and Tommy had done
to offend the Signor. To this old Pick made no reply, being himself
extremely indignant not to know anything about the mystery in question.
He had heard of no new boy--“nor anything as is new,” Pick said to
himself with warmth as he hurried through the enclosure which belonged
to the lay clerks, where a great many people were at the doors and
windows, and the excitement was general. It was natural that Pick should
be indignant. So little as there ever was to hear or report within the
Precincts, to think something should have happened under his very nose,
in the Abbey, and he not know! The Signor was a good master, and the
place was comfortable; but there are things which no man can be expected
to stand. Even Mr. John had not said a word about any novelty. If he had
told his mother, then the housekeeper had been as treacherous as the
rest, and had not breathed a word to Pick. It was a thing that no man
could be expected to put up with. Here were two ladies now bearing down
upon him, full of curiosity--and that Pick should have to confess that
he didn’t know!
“Oh, Pickering! you must know--who was it that was singing in the Abbey
last night? A very extraordinary thing for the Signor to countenance. He
did not ask _us_; he knew it would be of no use, for neither my husband
nor I approve of such proceedings; making the Abbey, our beautiful
Abbey, into a kind of music-hall! I hear it was a lady: the very worst
taste, and anything _so_ unecclesiastical! Women don’t _exist_ in the
Church--not as taking any part--but these are points which foreigners
never will understand,” said the lady, with a sigh.
“It was odd having such a performance at all, for a few privileged
persons. I thought the Abbey, at least,” said the second lady, “was for
all.”
“Don’t go, Pickering; you haven’t answered my question. If I were you,
being a man of experience, and having known the Abbey so long as you
have done, I would give a hint to your master. You should tell him
people here don’t like that sort of thing. It may do very well abroad,
or even in town, where there are all sorts; but it does not do in St.
Michael’s. You should tell him, especially as he is only half English,
to be more careful. Stop a little, Pickering! You have not answered my
question yet.”
“Beg your pardon, ma’am, but you didn’t give me no time,” said Pick.
“Do not be impertinent, Pickering. I asked you a plain question, and I
told you what I should do in your place. A man like you, that has been
so long about the Abbey, might be of great use to your master. You
should tell him that in England a lady is never suffered to open her
mouth in church. I never heard of anything so unecclesiastical. I wonder
the Dean does not interfere--a man of good Church principles as he is,
and with so much at stake. I really wonder the Dean does not interfere.”
“Oh, the Dean!” said the other lady; “and as for Church principles----”
But just then there was a tremble in the air with the first movement of
the matin bells, and, without compromising his dignity or showing his
ignorance, old Pick made good his escape. He went home in anything but
an amiable state of mind, and went straight to the kitchen, where Mrs.
Purcell was busy, as was natural at this time of the day, putting all in
order and arranging for the Signor’s dinner. The luncheon Mary Anne was
quite equal to, but some one was coming to dinner, for whom Mrs. Purcell
intended to exercise all her powers. Pick went in with a fierce glow of
indignant animation, with his roll of commissions fulfilled and
unfulfilled.
“There’s no sweetbreads to be had,” he said, “till Saturday; they’ll
save you a pair on Saturday, if you send the order with the man when he
comes; but they’ll be six-and-six, if you think that too dear. (Dear! I
should think it was dear. How much o’ that goes to the veal, I wonder,
and the man as fed it?) And as for game! you might as well go a-shooting
on the Slopes; and what there is bringing its weight in gold. I wouldn’t
give in, if I was you, to that fashion about grouse. It’s all a fashion.
Nobody ever thought of grouse in my young days, and coming after they’ve
eat everything as they can set their face to. What should they want with
it? I’ve brought you the lemons. Many a man wouldn’t be seen carrying a
bag o’ lemons all the way up the hill; and everything’s kep’ from me,
just because I’m too humble-minded, and don’t make no stand, nor mind
what I do.”
“What’s been kep’ from you, Pick?” said Mrs. Purcell, pausing in her
work to look at him. Then she added, “There’s been a deal of talking in
the study. I’ve picked up a word or two about some woman, for they were
going on about She; and She--but whether it’s that Miss Despard, or who
it is, John’s never said a word to me.”
“It don’t need a witch to tell that it’s a woman,” said Pick; but he was
relieved. “That fellow Rowley’s been at me, and one of the ladies round
the corner; but they both had so much to say that I got off, and neither
the one nor the other found out as I hadn’t a notion what they were
talking about,” the old man added, with a chuckle. “It’s some new voice,
as far as I can make out, as master has got hold of for the Abbey: and
quite right too. Tommy Rowley’s got a pretty little bit of a voice, and
he’s only twelve; but some voices goes sooner than others. The ladies
thought as it was a woman; but that’s impossible. They were quite in a
way. They said it was uneck--some thin’ or other--Dissenting-like, as I
took it up--and that the Signor ought to be ashamed of hisself----”
“Master?” said Mrs. Purcell, opening her eyes wide; “but I hope you
didn’t stand there and hear them say any harm of the Signor?”
“They told me as I was to give him good advice,” said Pick, still
chuckling; “but all the same, ma’am, I don’t think as Mr. John should
keep a thing from his mother. Where’s the young man as owes as much to
his mother as that young man owes to you?”
“Not to me, to his own deservings; he’s been a lad that has done credit
to everyone as has been kind to him, Pick, and never forgets nobody as
has been kind to him; but he’s not the young man he was. He’s lost all
his smiles and his fun since he had that disappointment. I don’t wish
Miss Despard no harm, but I wish she had been a hundred miles from here,
and my John had never seen her. Young women have a great deal to answer
for,” said Mrs. Purcell, with a sigh.
“Young women haven’t much to answer for, so far as I’m concerned; nor
master neither, so far as I can see,” said Pick, going off to his work
with a comfortable consciousness that, this being the case, it did not
matter so much about Mr. John.
But, if the community was thus stirred in general, words cannot tell the
excitement that this strange incident created in the organ-loft. The
Signor told Purcell after, that he could not tell what it was that made
him go on when he had come to an end of the “Pastoral Symphony,” and
play “There were Shepherds.” He had not meant to do it. He had intended
to make the other the finale of his performance. There was such a
feeling of night in it, the Signor said, the grass growing in the dark,
and the stars shining, and the dew coming down. He meant to end there;
he knew Mr. Ridsdale was a modern man and an opera man, and did not care
so very much for Handel. Still he had meant to end with that; but when
it came to the last chords he was not his own master, and he went on. As
for Purcell, there was no need for anyone to tell him whose that voice
was. Though he was at the moment helping to “blow,” he nearly
compromised the whole performance by darting to the other side of the
organ-loft and gazing down into the darkness to see her. Happily the
other man who was there, the professional blower, was taken by no such
vagaries and kept on steadily. “And I saw her,” Purcell said, “standing
in the moonlight with all the colours of the rainbow about her, like the
nimbus round the heads in Mr. Clayton’s new window.” The young fellow
was quite struck by this sight. He thought it must mean something: he
thought even she must be relenting towards himself, and had taken this
strange way of showing it. The Signor was greatly moved too, but he did
not take that view of the subject. He was a true artist himself, and he
knew that there are impulses which get the better of people who are of
this race. He patted his assistant on the arm, and told him not to build
on it. But what then could it mean? young Purcell said; and it was
difficult to answer. They both of them came down from their lofty
gallery afterwards in great excitement, and the Signor, confused,
received the enthusiastic thanks of his audience. “What a pleasure you
have given us!” they said; “you have been better than your word. What
exquisite playing, and what an exquisite voice! You don’t mean to say
that was a boy, Signor?”--They asked the question, but they all
believed, of course, that it was a boy. To think that little Rowley,
because it was dark and nobody saw him, should have been able to sing
like that! No one suspected the truth except Rollo Ridsdale, who came up
to the musician in the dark nave and gripped him by the arm, so that he
hurt the sensitive Italian-Englishman, whose nerves were all on the
surface. “Did you do it on purpose?” Rollo cried, excited too--“I shall
give up the opera and take to oratorios--did you do it on purpose?” “Did
_you_ do it on purpose?” said the Signor, who up to this moment had
supposed in his excitement that Ridsdale’s coming must have had
something to do with it. But after that question, which Rollo did not
distinctly hear, the Signor changed his tone and hid his own
astonishment, and accepted the applauses addressed to him on the
admirable device by which he had given his hearers a double pleasure.
And Purcell and he went home with their heads full of a hundred
conjectures. Who had brought her in? how did she know of it even? Old
Wykeham had kept his own counsel--he did not know whether he might not
be supposed to have taken too much upon him had it been known; and,
though he heard the two musicians talking of this miracle, he threw no
light upon it, which he might have done so easily. Who could have told
her? who could have brought her in? Purcell could not but think that her
coming was a sign of relenting, that she was thus making a kind of
celestial intimation that all was not over. This raised him into a very
ecstasy of hope.
The Signor had other thoughts. He thought of nothing else all night; the
sympathy and comprehension of an artist filling his mind and driving
away the almost dislike with which, after her rejection of his
_protégé_, he had been disposed to regard Lottie. Whatever might happen
to Purcell, here was something which had never happened to himself in
his life before. No doubt it had been a sudden impulse, like that which
had made her fly trembling and pale with excitement, from himself and
them all, in the drawing-room of the Deanery. This time the impulse had
been the other way, and she had obeyed it. He had subjugated her by
waiting her time, and, by what was much more pleasant to think of, the
spell of his music, which had gone to her heart. Let it not be supposed
that any sentiment about Lottie had begun to creep into the Signor’s
heart. Young women, as Pick said, had little to answer for as far as he
was concerned. He was all artist and not much else; but, with a glow
through his being which answered, let us suppose, to the high throb of
satisfaction which goes through persons who talk about their hearts, he
said to himself, “She shall not escape me this time!” He knew more of
Lottie than Rollo Ridsdale did. And he knew that he could make more of
her than Rollo could make of her. He could make of her much more than
was dreamed of in Rollo’s philosophy. He knew what she needed, and he
could give it to her. In his hands, the Signor thought, this simple
English girl might rise to the level of the Malibrans, of the Pastas.
There should be no one able to stand before her.
It is to be feared he was thinking of this more than of the music as he
played through King in F, which was the service for that morning. And he
left Purcell to play the voluntary and stole out unobserved, though it
was indecorous, before the congregation had dispersed. He threaded
through the dim aisles and the cloisters, before Wykeham had time to
call attention to him by hobbling after him with his jangling keys. He,
like Lottie, had resolved to give himself no time to think of it, to do
it at once. Ridsdale!--What a vain fool he was, talking about giving up
opera and taking to oratorios! What could he do with her, if he had got
her? His manager had rejected Lottie, and gone off after that voice at
Milan. What fools they all were! and what would be the advantage to
Ridsdale of having this voice untrained on his hands? What could he do
with her? but there was nothing she might not do under the guidance of
the Signor.
It was still early when he reached the little house: Lottie had not
attempted to go out this morning to see the Signor, she was too much
shaken by her escapade of last night. How could she have done it? She,
who had loathed the idea of becoming a singer! She had made a singer of
herself by her own act and deed, and she felt the full meaning of what
she had done. She had got up early, unable in her excitement to sleep,
and tingling still with the consequences of this strange,
unpremeditated, unintended self-betrayal. What was it that had made her
do it? She had got her work, and she had placed herself near the
window--not so near as to be seen, yet near enough to be able to glance
out and see anyone who might be coming that way. There were things to be
done in the house, domestic operations of more importance than the
needlework. But Lottie said to herself that they could wait--oh, they
could wait! In the meantime what was best was, that she should be ready
in case anyone called, ready to see anybody that might come over the
road across the sunshine, in the morning quiet. “Good night; but only
till to-morrow”--what was it that had conveyed to her the consciousness
that he was there? The Abbey had been dark--she had not been thinking of
him--certainly she had not known that he was looked for; and yet, what
but the sense that he was there would have made her do what she had
done? She had sung unwillingly, unwittingly, in spite of herself,
because he was there. It all seemed quite plain to Lottie. He it was
(she thought) who had first made her aware that this gift of hers was
anything worth thinking of; he it was who had first given her the
supreme pleasure of consciousness, who had shown to her the happiness
she could bestow. Her voice (as she thought), if after all it was really
worth anything, if it was the thing he thought it, the thing it sounded
like last night--belonged to him. It was his spiritually; he had
discovered it, and revealed it to herself. She had not been aware what
she was doing; but unconsciously it was to him she was singing, when her
voice escaped from her: it was a welcome to him--and he had accepted it
as his welcome. Lottie gave a glance from her window, and thought she
saw some one coming across the broad sunshine in the Dean’s Walk. Her
heart gave a louder beat--_he_ was coming. She made no mystery now about
it; the preliminaries were all over. He came for her--who else? he had
never concealed it; he had come for her long ago. She could not tell how
long ago it was since he had first caught a glimpse of her at the
window. Always since then it had been for her that he came: content at
first to watch outside her window; then, with a lover’s ingenuity,
finding out ways of meeting her; then venturing, bold yet timid, always
reverential, to her home--and now at length what was coming? He was
coming. And she had withdrawn the veil from her heart, and seen and
acknowledged what was there. It was for him she sang: without knowing
it, her heart had been aware of his presence; and now he was coming.
Lottie drew back in the shade of the great leaves which garlanded her
window. The next moment he would be here----
But it was only the Signor.
CHAPTER XXVI.
THE FOOL’S PARADISE.
The Signor came in with some suppressed excitement about him, which he
concealed under an air of perfect calm, but which betrayed itself in the
gleam of his eyes and the rapidity of his movements. He saw in a moment
that he had bitterly disappointed Lottie, whose countenance changed as
she saw him--changed from glowing expectation to that sudden pallor and
sickness of departing hope which seems to carry all the life out of a
face. He saw it, and he understood; he had the quickness of perception
which belonged to his Italian origin, and he had, as we have said, a
great deal that was feminine in him--this among the rest, that he could
divine and read the meanings of a face. He saw at once what it was. She
had expected, not him, but another. The Signor was very sorry for
Lottie. He had been angry, almost spitefully angry, about her rejection
of his favourite pupil; but she had made her peace with him last night,
and all her offences had been condoned. He was very sorry for her. She
had been looking for Ridsdale, and Ridsdale had not come. The Signor
felt that he himself was a much safer and better visitor for her; but,
all the same, he was sorry for Lottie. He bowed with a depth of respect,
which, indeed, he showed to all ladies. He was more of an Italian than
an Englishman in this point; he was always ceremonious and stately to
women, bowing to the ground, taking the hand offered to him
reverentially, as if he meant to kiss it. This ceremony gave Lottie a
little time to recover herself, and after all it was very early. The
voluntary was still sounding from the Abbey (how had the Signor got away
so soon?), and though _he_ had not appeared yet, that was not to say
that he was not coming. She took her seat again, with the colour coming
back.
“I do not know how to speak to you,” he said; “how to thank you for last
night----”
“Oh! so long as you do not think me very presumptuous--very bold.
I--could not help it. It was the music that went to my head,” said
Lottie, very tremulous, giving a hasty glance at him and then turning
her head away.
“It is just because the music goes to your head that I have such high
hopes--Miss Despard,” said the Signor; “let bygones be bygones, won’t
you? and let us be friends.”
“We never quarrelled that I know of,” said Lottie, slightly alarmed;
and, for his part, the Signor was confused, thinking of Purcell, of
whose misadventure he had, of course, no right to know.
“You were not pleased with me,” he said. “I did not worship your voice
as some people do. I told you plainly that you wanted instruction. So
you do still. Your voice is lovely, Miss Despard, and you have the soul
of an artist. You can forget yourself. Little singers never forget
themselves; they are always in the foreground, seeing their own
personality everywhere; but it is very different with you.”
Lottie did not say anything in reply. She felt vaguely that he was
giving her praise, but she did not mind. Was that someone coming in
below? but it was only Captain Despard returning in after matins. The
Signor, always so quick, felt again the flutter in her, and knew what
her expectation was.
“You were once very angry with me for making a--an application to you.
You thought I meant to be disrespectful? Ah, no. I could not fail of
respect to a lady, Miss Despard; but I saw in you what I see still more
clearly now.”
“Signor!” said Lottie, rousing herself up to seize the opportunity, with
a bewildered feeling that it was right to do it, that if she did not do
it now, she never might; and, finally, that to do it might propitiate
fate and make it unnecessary to be done--“Signor--let me tell you first.
I went to the Abbey yesterday on purpose to see you, to say to you----
ah, here is some one coming to interrupt us.”
“Yes, there is some one coming to interrupt us,” cried the Signor
almost bitterly; this time there could be no doubt who it was; “but
first, one word before he comes. You were coming to tell me that you
consented--that you would be my pupil?”
She could scarcely pay any attention to him, he saw. What a thing to
think of, that a girl like this, a woman with genius, should let an
empty-headed coxcomb come between her and all that was worth caring for,
between her and Art! She gave him a confused, half-guilty look, which
seemed like a confession of weakness, and nodded only in reply. Nodded!
when a proposal was made to her such as the Muse might have made to her
chief favourite, when the gates of the Palace of Art were being rolled
open wide to admit her. In that moment, Lottie, all pre-occupied by the
advent of a mere man of fashion, in music not more than a charlatan, in
honour not much to brag of, gave her consent to the arrangement which
was to fashion her life by--a nod. Heaven and earth! what a
demonstration of female folly! Could the Signor be anything but vexed?
He could hardly restrain his impatience, as Rollo came in, all eager and
smiling, easy and cordial even to himself. The Signor, though he was as
innocent of sentiment as old Pick, looked like nothing in the world so
much as a scared, jealous, and despairing lover, watching, in spite of
himself, the entrance of the conquering hero, for whom all the songs
were sung and all the welcomes said.
“I might have known I should find Rossinetti here,” said Rollo, “as he
is an earlier bird than I am. Where could we all flock this morning but
here? You have been thanking Miss Despard for her divine singing last
night. My life, what singing it was! I have never heard anything like
it. Miss Despard, I have come to announce to you my conversion. I abjure
opera as I abjure the pope. Henceforward Handel is my creed--so long as
you are his interpreter,” he added, sinking his voice.
“Yes,” said the Signor. “Miss Despard will sing very well if she works;
but we are far yet from the highest excellence of which such a voice as
hers is capable. I will take my leave now. Perhaps you have a friend who
would bring you to my house? that would be the best. No doubt I could
come here; but if you will come to my house, my piano is a very good
one, and that would be the best. Don’t think it is anything to be
remarked; my pupils constantly do it. They bring a maid with them, or,
if it is needful, I send for Mrs.----, for my housekeeper. My young
ladies are most unflatteringly at their ease with me.”
“You are going to take lessons?” Rollo asked quickly. “I congratulate
you, Rossinetti. My good fellow, you are a great genius, and I know very
little, but I never was so envious of you before. All the same you know
lessons are--teaching is--well, we must admit, not much more than a
pretence in the present case. The habit of singing, that is all Miss
Despard wants.”
“You must pardon me that I don’t agree with you,” the Signor said,
somewhat stiffly. “Miss Despard does not want flattery from me. She will
get plenty of that by and by; but she does want teaching, _senza
complimenti_, and that she shall have if she will take it. It rests with
her whether or not she will take it. If she does take it as I would have
her do--then,” said the Signor, with a gleam in his eyes of suppressed
enthusiasm, “then I flatter myself----”
Rollo was provoked. Though he was very sweet-tempered, he did not like
to be crowed over in this way, and his pleasant hyperbole flattened out;
besides, there is something in the presence of a young woman which makes
men, ever so slightly pitted against each other, pugnacious. He laughed.
“I see,” he said, “you won’t flatter Miss Despard, Rossinetti, but you
flatter yourself.”
“I will send you word about hours,” said the Signor hastily. “I beg your
pardon, I did not quite catch your last observation. Good morning, Miss
Despard. To-morrow or after to-morrow I shall hope to begin.”
“Good-bye, for the moment; we shall meet later,” said Rollo, with a
smile and a nod, turning to open the door for his--not rival certainly,
but competitor. He opened the door and closed it behind the Signor with
quite unnecessary attention, his face full of suppressed laughter and
malicious satisfaction. Rollo felt that he remained master of the field.
He came back to where Lottie, agitated and happy, was sitting, rubbing
his hands with triumph. “The Signor is an excellent musician, but he is
a prig, Miss Despard, if you will permit the word; and now that we have
got rid of him,” said Rollo, dropping into that other seat beside her,
“let me say----”
What did he say? Lottie remembered most of the words for years and
years. When she heard the sound of them again in other conversations, in
sentences that had no relation to her, from other people, and even
addressed to other people, she would hold her breath. Foolish girl! they
were well-worn words, such as perhaps every woman possessing such a
gift, or even a much smaller gift than Lottie’s, has heard to weariness;
but the most common approbation, which afterwards becomes the mere
accompaniment and petty murmur of existence, one time in one’s life is
divine--as he told her her voice was, as he let her infer she too was,
and everything about her. Lottie was not used to anything like flattery.
Even in the best of circumstances, fathers and brothers are seldom
enthusiastic; and kind Mrs. O’Shaughnessy, though she had given her
countenance to Rowley’s lessons, did not in the least conceal that she
was bored by them; and the tenor was a great deal too much occupied with
his own voice, and the compliments that had been paid to him, to leave
him much time for complimenting his pupil. It was true that the Signor’s
wish to teach her was of itself the essence of flattery; but he never
had given her any credit for her singing, and always had seen the faults
of it. So that it was Rollo who had first revealed to her that heaven of
praise which is so doubly sweet to the neophyte when it is supposed to
be not her excellence, but his love, which inspires it. Lottie had no
defence against the enthusiasm, the admiration, the rhapsodies of her
companion. If they were excessive, that was not because he was failing
in truth, but only abounding in love. So she thought. The very
atmosphere around her turned into happiness. Her eyes were dazzled with
it. She could not look at him nor lift her face except in momentary
sudden glances, so much was the air full of this suffused, subdued, but
penetrating glory. And, strangely enough, though he did not feel half so
much as she supposed him to feel, Rollo himself was moved by this
something in the air which rayed out from her exquisite dawn of bliss
and of love. He said naturally a great deal more than he intended--and,
what was more wonderful, he felt a great deal more than he could have
supposed possible--and without the least purpose or thought, dropped
moment by moment deeper and deeper into that curious kind of rapture
which is tolerably expressed by the phrase, falling in love. Reason had
nothing to do with it, nor intention; and he had not come here driven
by a passion which was more strong than he was, as Lottie thought. But,
nevertheless, whether it was the magnetic influence of that sentiment in
her which he had called forth without knowing it, and which now touched
him with sympathetic life: or the more commonplace result of her beauty,
and of their close propinquity, and her loneliness, and the generous
impulse of protection and kindness that was in him: certain it is that
all Lottie’s ideas of him realised themselves in the young man’s mind in
the most miraculous way. He had always been, all his friends knew,
ridiculously sympathetic all his life. Never before had it taken this
precise form; but then, never before had Rollo met with the same
combination of circumstances. He had flirted with a great many people,
and foolish girls, who were not prudent enough to remember his younger
brotherhood and impecunious position, had liked his company and been
very willing to roam along the first beginnings of the primrose path by
his side; but nothing more than the lightest exchanges of sentiment had
ever come to pass. And then he had believed of several women that they
were “making a set” at him, and desiring to “catch” him. No degree of
younger brotherhood, no amount of impecuniosity, will prevent a man from
thinking that some woman or other is trying to “catch” him; but never in
all his life had Rollo come across a creature like Lottie, simply,
solemnly, gratefully convinced that he was in love with her. Lottie had
not been in love with him when she thought she found this out. But her
certainty as to _his_ sentiments had been absolute. And now this
certainty was realising itself. It was a very different thing from the
love which points directly and, as a matter of course, to the natural
conclusion. He thought of nothing of the kind. He did not choose her out
of all the world, as Lottie thought. But it came to very much the same
thing as they sat together, talking about everything, dropping into
mutual confidences, wasting the sweet autumnal morning. Lottie knew that
all her domestic businesses were waiting for her, but did not care. And
Rollo knew that, if he were questioned as to where he had been, he would
have to invent an explanation other than the true one. But what did this
matter? They sat and talked, forgetting even music, which was the one
thing hitherto which had occupied them when together. He did not ask her
to sing to him, which was a thing which made Lottie very happy,
notwithstanding that it was his admiration of her voice only which had
made her recognise and be glad of that possession. She had sung for him
gladly, but now she was more pleased not to be asked to sing. What did
they want with music? It would be hard to describe how well they came to
know each other during that long morning’s talk. He told her about
himself, and she told him about herself, and thus they skimmed over
very dangerous ground as to the beginning of their own acquaintance.
Lottie, with a girl’s shrinking from premature avowal, hurried over that
point lest he might perhaps tell her how he had seen her, and dreamed of
her, long before he dared claim acquaintance. Poor Lottie! but for that
fond delusion she might have heard the real cause of his first eagerness
to make her acquaintance, and been disenchanted. But what would it have
mattered? By this time, things had gone too far to make it an advantage
to her now to be undeceived.
This was the beginning of the time which was the crown and flower of
life to Lottie Despard. Deceived, and yet not deceived; creating really
the sentiment which she believed in, yet not as she believed it: she
herself all simple and trustful, impassioned in everything she
undertook, then and there, to the last fibre of her being, gave her
heart to Rollo Ridsdale--loved him, believing herself as fully justified
as ever woman was, by the possession of his love, to bestow her own; and
bestowing it purely, freely, without doubt or _arrière pensée_. His rank
and the pleasure of thinking that some one out of the world above her,
the world which she aspired to, and felt herself to belong to, was
seeking her, had dazzled Lottie at the first;--but by this time it did
not matter to her who or what Rollo was. Sometimes even, she thought
that she would prefer him to be more on her own level: then stopped and
reproved herself proudly for wanting to take anything from him who
deserved everything. His position as a patrician, his supposed wealth
(how was Lottie to know that such a man, possessing everything, could be
just as poor, and perhaps not much more honourable in respect to debt
and such matters, than her father?), the grace and nobleness of all his
surroundings, were part of his nature, she thought in her simplicity. To
shut him up in small rooms, confine him to the limited horizon of common
life, and its poor little routine of duties, would be to take something
from Rollo; and she did not want to take anything from him, rather to
add any honour and glory that might be wanting. She did not know how
long or how short a time they had been together on that wonderful
morning before they first began to talk (as Lottie said) like friends.
It lasted no more than a moment, and yet it was a new life all luminous
and great, throwing the twenty years of the other life which had
preceded it, entirely into shade. She had to stand still to steady
herself and accustom her eyes to the ordinary atmosphere when he went
away. Everything was changed. Her head went round. She did not know how
to go downstairs (too late, much too late!) and look after the household
matters which she had postponed; and when she did go to them, went
hazily like one in a dream. What a change had come upon life! Yesterday,
even Rollo was no more than a distant vision of possibilities to her;
now she seemed to know him thoroughly, to know all about him; to feel
that she could tell him whatever might happen, that it would be natural
to confide everything to him--everything! her heart threw wide open its
doors. She did not think even that he might wonder to find himself so
entirely received into her life. Lottie had none of the experience which
the most ordinary encounter with the world, which even ballroom tattle
and the foolish commerce of flirtations give. She came to this first
chapter, all innocent and original in heart and thought, with the
frankness as well as the timidity of a nature unalarmed and (in this
kind) knowing no evil. Love was to her an angel, the first of the
angels--inspiring awe, but no terror. She went to her work feeling as if
she walked to some noble strain of music. Nothing could irritate her,
nothing put her out.
That evening Lottie went out upon the Slopes in the dusk to breathe the
evening air and give herself that fresher, sweeter medium for her
dreams. Law was out, the Captain was out as usual; and the little house
was very still with only Mary in the kitchen (for most of her time
hanging about the back entrance looking for the baker), and Lottie
upstairs. Somehow to-night Lottie did not wait for Captain Temple, who
had constituted himself her escort, but as soon as it began to be really
evening stole out by herself and made her way quickly up the Dean’s
Walk, not anxious to join anyone. She wanted to be alone for her
thoughts. It was not that the slightest idea of meeting Rollo entered
into her mind--how should it? The dinners at the Deanery were not like
the afternoon meal in the Chevaliers’ lodges, out of which all the
inhabitants streamed as soon as that was over, to get the good of the
summer night. Summer--for, though it was beginning to be autumn, it was
still summer--warm, soft, delicious evenings with so much dusk in them,
and misty sweetness. Lottie wanted nothing at that moment of dreamy
happiness but silence and her own thoughts; more, however, was in store
for her. The Deanery dinner was a family dinner that evening, and while
the Dean read the evening paper, and Lady Caroline put up her feet on
the sofa, what was a young man to do? He said he would go over to the
Signor’s and talk music and smoke a cigar; and the elder people, though
they were fond of Rollo, were not sorry to be rid of him. He wanted,
perhaps, to enjoy his triumph over the Signor, or to find out what his
plans were and expectations of Lottie’s voice; or, perhaps, only he
wanted a little variety, feeling the company of his venerated relations
too much pleasure. But, though he was not so full of dreams as Lottie,
something of the same charmed mood was in his mind. And when caprice
made him take the turn up to the Slopes also, instead of going the other
way through the Cloisters to the musician’s house--and when the two
caught sight of each other, they both started with genuine surprise, and
there was on Lottie’s side even a little alarm. She was too shy to beg
him in so many words to go away, but it was only the want of courage
which kept her from saying so. It was too much; it did not seem right to
meet him again; but then Lottie reflected that to the merest
acquaintance she was bound to be polite. Mr. Ridsdale had the same
thought. He was unfeignedly delighted to see her, finding this way of
escape from all possibility of dulness much more complete than he
thought; but yet he felt that perhaps a second encounter so soon, and in
a place open to all eyes, might be dangerous; notwithstanding, what
could a man do? He was bound to be civil. He could not run away from a
lady when he met her, simply because he admired her--a reason, on the
contrary, to keep him by her side. So they took a stroll together, this
way and that way, from one end to the other: it was not a very long way.
He told her that he was going to the Signor’s, and she accepted the
explanation very demurely, notwithstanding the fact that the Signor
lived on the lower side of the Deanery and this was on the upper side;
and she told him that she had only just come out, having missed Captain
Temple, who would appear presently:--“He is my usual companion--he is
very old, the oldest of all the Chevaliers--and he is very, very kind to
me.” Each accepted what the other thus said with a kind of solemnity;
and they made two turns up and down, stopping now and then to look out
upon the plain so broad and blue, with the soft autumn mists hanging on
the horizon. “Season of mists and mellow fruitfulness,” Rollo said; and
they stood still and gazed, following the river in its silvery windings,
and silent as if their minds were absorbed in these atmospheric
influences and that dusky bridal of the earth and sky. When Captain
Temple came up Rollo asked to be introduced to him, and was very civil.
“Miss Despard has been waiting for you, and I have kept her company,” he
said, so that the old Captain thanked him civilly, if a little stiffly;
and then the two turned their backs upon each other, Rollo hastening
down to the Cloisters to keep, as he said, his appointment, and Lottie
turning away without so much as a parting glance, without shaking hands.
Captain Temple, alarmed at first, took heart, and thought it was nothing
but politeness when he saw how they parted. “You were quite right, my
dear, quite right to wait, and I am much obliged to Mr. Ridsdale; I
cannot think how I missed you.” Lottie did not make a direct reply, but
compelled herself to talk, and very demurely, with much praise of the
lovely night, went with him home.
If Captain Temple had but known! And after this how many meetings there
were, so happily accidental, so easily explainable, and yet requiring no
such explanation! How well they began to know each other’s habits and
each other’s likings; and how sweet were all the dewy misty paths in
that fool’s paradise! or on the Slopes, if you prefer it; it does not
matter much about a name.
CHAPTER XXVII.
A TERRIBLE INTERRUPTION.
While the time went on in this dream for Lottie it did not stand still
with the rest of the world. Her absorption in her own affairs, which for
the moment had become complete, and withdrew her thoughts from much that
had previously occupied them, was very agreeable to her father and
brother. Lottie had exercised no control that she was aware of upon her
father; but now that her keen eyes were veiled with dreams, and her mind
abstracted from what was going on round her, it is inconceivable how
much more free and at his ease the Captain felt. He had a jauntier air
than ever, when he walked down into the town after he was released from
matins; and he came in later at night. Captain Despard’s doings at this
time were much talked of in the lodges. He had never been approved by
his brother Chevaliers. The old gentlemen felt that this younger man,
with his jauntiness and his love of pleasure, was no credit to them; and
if the gossip was true about his intentions, some of them thought that
something ought to be done. The ladies were still more indignant. They
were threatened in their dignity more than their husbands were. An
officer was an officer, whatever happened; but if this man, who was in
himself so objectionable, should bring in a dressmaker girl among them,
it was the Chevaliers’ wives who would be the sufferers. The gentlemen
thought vaguely that something should be done; but the ladies were for
carrying it to Parliament, or to the Queen herself. Was there not some
old statute forbidding a Chevalier to marry? If there was not, there
ought to be, Mrs. O’Shaughnessy said, with a twinkle in her eye. There
was nobody, indeed, so much aggrieved as Mrs. O’Shaughnessy, who lived
next door, and was already intimate with the family; and though there
were times when she made a joke of it, there were also times when she
was ready to go to the Queen on the subject.
“If there isn’t a law there ought to be one!” Mrs. O’Shaughnessy
declared. “What do they want with wives at their age, if they haven’t
got ’em already? D’ye think I’d like to hear of me Major with a second,
and me not cold in my grave?”
It was suggested that the Chevaliers should “speak to” this dangerous
member of their corporation; but the old gentlemen, it was found, did
not care to undertake this. Who would do it? There was not one of them
who could use the privilege of friendship with this flighty, dissipated
fellow, who was young at fifty to the other veterans; and they had not
the same confidence in the efficacy of “speaking to” a culprit which
the ladies had.
So the little world within the Precincts looked on in great
perturbation, sorry for Lottie, but still more sorry for themselves,
whose credit was threatened by this danger. And jauntier and jauntier
grew the Captain. He wore his hat more and more over his left ear--he
got a new tie, louder and brighter than any that had ever been seen in
the Precincts. His new suit was of a larger stripe. Altogether, things
were ripening for some new event. Something was going to happen;
everybody felt it, in the air, in the heaviness of the autumn weather.
Lottie’s proceedings, which might otherwise have given much anxiety to
the community, were veiled by the interest attaching to her father’s;
which, indeed, was well for Lottie, who was not at all times quite aware
what she was doing, or where her steps were tending, as she walked and
wandered--not in her sleep, but in her dreams.
There was another who took advantage of Lottie’s abstraction, and that
was Law. He had begun by going quite regularly to Mr. Ashford,
“reading,” as it was called, with the Minor Canon, whom he liked, and
who was kind to him, and sharing the instructions which were being given
to young Uxbridge, the son of the Canon. For a little while there had
been gloom and consternation in this young man’s home because of Law. He
was not a companion for her boy, Mrs. Uxbridge thought; but when this
was suggested to the Minor Canon he smiled so grimly, and answered with
such uncompromising brutality, that, of course, he could have no
possible objections to young Mr. Uxbridge’s removal, that the mother
nearly fainted, and Mr. Uxbridge himself, a large and stately person,
had to stammer forth an apology. There was a dangerous gleam in
Ashford’s eye, enough to appal the Chapter, notwithstanding his
inferiority to them, and there was nothing for it but to let him have
his way. And for a week or two Law was exemplary--he allowed that for
the first time in his life he could feel he was getting on; he became
what he called “thick” with Uxbridge, who took him out boating and
cricketing; and so far all went well. But when Lottie’s vigilance all at
once relaxed--when she began to steal out herself, and come in with her
eyes all dazzled and dreamy, often not knowing when she was spoken to,
taking so much less heed than usual of other people’s proceedings, Law’s
industry began to flag. Sometimes he “shirked” altogether; very often he
never looked at his books, except under Mr. Ashford’s eye. He made
Uxbridge idle too, who was but too much disposed to take a bad example.
Uxbridge had a boat of his own, and they went on the river for days
together. Sometimes a cricket match ended in a dinner, to which Law
would be invited with his friend. He got into better company, but it is
doubtful whether this was much to the advantage of his morals, and it
certainly was not at all to the advantage of his studies. The Minor
Canon remonstrated, and Lottie would now and then wake up and make an
appeal to him.
“Are you working, Law? I hope you are working. Does Mr. Ashford think
you are getting on?” she would say. But these were not like the
energetic protests of old. And when Law answered that he was getting on
pretty well, but that old Ashford didn’t say much--it wasn’t his
way--Lottie accepted the reply, and asked no more questions. And Law
accordingly took “his fling,” being left free on all sides. Why
shouldn’t he take his fling? The others were doing it--even Lottie; did
she think he was blind not to see how often that fellow Ridsdale was
spooning about, and how many more walks she took than she used to?
Captain Temple got tired of coming for her. Very often she had gone
before he came--and would run back breathless, and so sorry to have
missed him. What did all that mean if not that Lottie was taking her
fling too? And his father--Captain Despard--was speeding very quickly
towards such a thing as would startle the whole town, not to speak of
the Abbey. It would be hard if Law were the only one to have his nose
kept to the grindstone; and this, we may be sure, was the last thing he
meant to allow.
As for Lottie, she carried on the business of her life in a way. The
house did not suffer--the dinner was always punctual, and the stockings
mended, notwithstanding dreams. She found time, indeed, for more actual
occupation than before. She went to the Signor’s--Mrs. O’Shaughnessy
generally, but sometimes Captain Temple, going with her when she went
for her lessons--and she went to the Abbey more frequently than she had
been used to do. These lessons were moments of excitement for the
Signor’s household. When it was the old Captain who had accompanied Miss
Despard, Mrs. Purcell was had in from her room, where she sat expectant
among her jam cupboards; and profound was her interest. She sat near the
door hemming some dusters, while the lesson went on; but sometimes would
drop her work and cross her hands, and raise her eyes to the dusky
heaven of the ceiling.
“Dear, bless me!” said the housekeeper, “that was a note!” for she had
learned a little about music after all her experiences. Her son rarely
made his appearance at all; he would loiter about the passage and catch
a glimpse of Lottie as she went in or out, and sometimes he would come
in suddenly very red and agitated, to turn over the music or look for
some song that was wanted. Lottie was very anxious always to be friendly
to him; but though these lessons seemed to poor young Purcell the things
which chiefly made life desirable, yet he was not sufficiently at his
ease to make any reply to her greeting, except by a deeper blush and an
embarrassed bow. And very often--so often that the Signor had almost
wound himself up to the point of remonstrating, and old Pick had been
charged to say that his master was engaged, and that no one could
enter--Rollo Ridsdale would stray in by accident and form one of the
party. It was very strange that, though old Pick had orders so precise,
yet Rollo somehow always got in. How was it?
“I don’t know myself,” old Pick would say, with a grin; “he’s the
perseveringest gentleman I ever see--and awful fond of music. It must
cost him a deal,” Pickering said.
Rollo strolled in sometimes at the beginning, before due precautions had
been taken, sometimes near the end, when they were relaxed. He made
himself very agreeable. As for Mrs. O’Shaughnessy, she was his slave,
and she was quite persuaded by this time that she herself was nearly
connected with the Courtland family, and that Rollo’s uncle--or was it a
cousin?--had been not only the Major’s but her own dearest friend.
Captain Temple, when he was the chaperon, was more suspicious; but,
notwithstanding his objection to young men, and especially to
Honourables, in connection with young women, Rollo ended by making the
old Chevalier his friend. He had the gift of disarming prejudice--being
kind himself by nature, and of a friendly disposition, such as makes
friends. And Rollo was very careful under the eyes of all these keen
observers. He confined himself to music. He looked unutterable things;
but he did not speak the applause, that was implied in his looks. He
said only, “I must not say anything, Miss Despard--I dare not, for
Rossinetti; but I think the more.”
Lottie did not want him to applaud her. It was enough for her that he
heard her; but it was only when he was there that she did herself full
justice. And it is not to be supposed that the Signor was ignorant of
the changed tone in her voice which showed when he appeared. It was too
great a vexation to him to be ignored. Art, pure art, was not as yet, if
it ever would be, the spring of Lottie’s life. It was “that fellow.” Her
voice grew softer and more exquisite, full of pathos and meaning--her
notes more liquid and sweet. If the Signor had been Rollo’s rival in
reality he could scarcely have been more annoyed--he whose aspiration
was to make a true artist of this creature, to whom heaven had given so
glorious a medium of expression, but who as yet knew nothing about art.
Thus September stole away. Never before had Ridsdale been so long at the
Deanery. He gave sometimes one reason and sometimes another for his
delay. It was very convenient for him, as the place was central, and he
was often obliged to run up to town to see after business connected with
the Opera. His company meant to open their house in spring; and the
manager being in Italy, there was a great deal to do which fell upon
Rollo. He had invitations without number, but he neglected them all. So
long as his aunt would have him there was no place so convenient for him
as the Deanery. And Lady Caroline was very willing to have him. She had
always been kind to him. If her feelings had been strong enough to
justify anyone in considering himself her favourite, then Rollo might
have done so. She had always been kind; and a habit of kindness is as
good as any other habit, and is the best pledge of continuance. And she
liked in a way to have him there. He never gave her any trouble--now and
then he succeeded in something that was very like amusing her. And he no
longer demanded of her that she should invite Miss Despard daily, or
trouble herself with the other people who sang. Two or three times only
during the month did he ask for an invitation for the girl in whose
voice he was so much interested. And he was very domestic--triumphantly
disproving all the stories that had been told of him. He never cared to
dine anywhere but at home while he was at the Deanery--he did not care
for company. He was a very nice companion for the Dean at dinner, and
after dinner he would stroll out and smoke a cigar. If he gave trouble
at Courtland it was only, Lady Caroline thought with gentle complacency,
because they did not know how to manage him; for anyone more happy to be
quiet she never saw. And thus September passed; the partridges did not
tempt him away, any more than the grouse had done. He did not care, he
declared, about sport of any kind. Music and books, and his stroll of an
evening on the Slopes to smoke his cigar--these were all the virtuous
amusements Rollo desired--with these he was as happy as the day was
long. And in October, Augusta, coming home from her bridal tour, was to
visit her mother, and there would be a little society once more at the
Deanery. It came to be understood that Rollo would stay for this. It
would be something to make amends to him for the quiet of the past.
October began: it was a beautiful autumn; the trees on the Slopes were
all red and yellow, like painted trees, and the face of the country
brilliant with sunshine. Everything was smooth and fair without and
within, so far as appearances went; and, had there been no results to
follow, little exception could have been taken to the proceedings of the
persons concerned in this history, who were each and all following their
own pleasure and doing what seemed good in their own eyes. The Captain
was perhaps the most safe and most virtuous of the whole, seeing that
there was no reason why he should not marry Polly if he desired very
much to do so, except that it would make his children uncomfortable and
disturb the equanimity of his brother Chevaliers and their belongings.
But he was in no way bound to consider the dignity of his brethren in
the order, neither was he required by any law to sacrifice his own
comfort for that of his son and daughter--both of them quite capable of
taking thought for themselves. He may, therefore, be left out of the
question; for, whether for good or evil, he was doing nothing more than
he had a right to do. But in the case of the others: how pleasant would
this episode of life have been had there been no consequences to follow!
It was a most charming episode in the experience of Rollo Ridsdale. He
was not a vicious man, but yet he had never been so virtuous, so free of
evil, in all his consciousness before--his chief companion a perfectly
pure-minded girl, his chief occupation to explore and study her fresh
young heart and imagination, and vigorous intelligent nature. If only it
could all go on to some as perfect conclusion, there could be no doubt
that it was good for the speculative man of fashion. It restored him,
body and soul,--regular hours, quiet, all the most luxurious comforts of
life, and the delight and exhilaration of a romance to amuse the mental
and sentimental side of him. The cleverest doctor that ever existed
could not have recommended a more admirably curative process--if only
there had been no responsibilities involved and nothing painful to
follow. And Law--if Law had only had the prospect of a small estate, a
small inheritance at the end, enough to live on, what a perfectly
pleasant “time” he was having! He was doing no harm, only boating,
cricketing, beginning now as the season went on to think of
football--none of them wicked pursuits: if only there had been no
examinations to think of, no work of life to prepare for. Lottie was the
least to blame of the three; the consequences did not trouble her. She
might perhaps be allowing herself to be absorbed too much by the new and
wonderful influence which had taken possession of her: the _vita nuova_
might have become too entirely the law of her being; but well or ill she
still did her duty, and her realisation of the result was perfectly
simple. What but one thing could all this lead to? No doubt invaded
Lottie’s inexperienced mind; how could she doubt that Rollo loved her?
What proof was wanting that man could give? They had not yet spoken of
that love, though they had several times approached to the very verge of
an explanation, from which generally it was she who shrank with a shy
prolonging of that delicious uncertainty which was no uncertainty at
all. How could Lottie have any doubt? It was not necessary even for her
to say to herself that he was good and true. True!--she no more thought
of falsehood than Eve had thought of the serpent before he hissed his
first question into her ear. She did not understand what lying meant,
practical lying of this kind. She let the sweet current sweep her on
with many a heart-beat; but why should she be distrustful of it? What
could love lead to but happiness? Lottie could not think of anything
more.
And thus the time went on. Augusta Huntington (Mrs. Daventry) was coming
home with her husband in a day or two; and though Lottie thought she
would be glad to see her old friend, she had a little secret fear of
anything now happening. All was very well as it was. To meet Rollo
accidentally as he smoked his cigar on the Slopes would not be so easy
if his cousin were at the Deanery. He would not be able to get out so
easily, and probably she would find a great many new ways of employing
him which would take him out of Lottie’s way. She did not like to look
forward to it; and after Augusta’s visit Rollo too would go away. It
would be almost winter, and he could not stop any longer. All the
shooting and the deerstalking and the round of visits to great people,
on which he ought to be going, he had given up for her. What could the
reason be but for her? The thought that this moment of happiness was
approaching an end, was sad to Lottie, even though it should, as was
natural, be followed by greater happiness still. How her dull life had
flowered and blossomed out, made beautiful by the thought that he was
near her, this man who loved her--who had loved her long before she had
loved him, but whom now she too--! He was near, she remembered every
morning when she woke; some time in the day she would be sure to see
him--nay, half a dozen times in the day, if only strolling down the
Dean’s Walk looking at her window, and in the Abbey, and perhaps, while
she took her lesson, listening to her with soft eyes; perhaps walking
home with her; perhaps just turning round that old elm-tree on the
Slopes as she came out for her evening walk; always looking for her so
eagerly, seeking her, with a hundred little tender cares, and something
in his eyes which was more than all. Could it be possible to be happier
than now? She was keeping off the _éclaircissement_ with delicious shy
malice, running away from it, prolonging a little longer, and a little
longer, this happy uncertainty. Some time, however, it must come, and
then no doubt she would be more happy--though not with such happiness as
this.
On one of those lovely russet-coloured afternoons, full of haze made
golden by the sunshine, already turning to the west, Lottie, walking up
St. Michael’s Hill, towards the Abbey, had seen a fly driving along the
street which had caught her eye as she passed. She knew it very well; it
was Jobling’s fly--a nice respectable clean cab, looking for all the
world like a shabby well-dressed man in a frock coat and high hat. There
are many shabby respectable well-preserved things which resemble each
other. The reason why this neat and clean vehicle caught her eye was
that the man who was driving it wore a white wedding-favour, which is a
thing which no person of twenty can see without remark. Lottie, like
others of her age, was half amused, half interested, and could not help
wondering who it was. It was going to the railway, and some one looked
out hastily as Lottie passed, looking at her, the girl thought,
withdrawing as hastily again when she was seen to turn her eyes that
way. Who could it be? Lottie thought she would ask Law, who knew all the
news, who had been married; but she had forgotten all about it long
before she saw Law. She had too many things to think of and to do, to
remember so small a matter as that; and Law did not come in till late.
When he did come they took their simple supper together amicably, not
saying much; but she forgot the question. Now that Lottie did not bully
him they were very good friends. They said a few friendly words to each
other, and that was all, and then they bade each other good night. They
were all alone, the Captain having left home for a few days, and had a
very good opportunity for talk. But Lottie did not seize the opportunity
to put disagreeable questions. She was altogether so much more amicable
than she had been used to be.
Three days after, Captain Despard was to come home. It did not disturb
Lottie that Captain Temple questioned her very closely as to where her
father had gone. “Was he alone, do you know?” the old man said. “Alone?
Oh, yes, I suppose so,” said Lottie. What did it matter? She could see
Rollo behind the old beech-tree. Of course it was a drawback that the
Captain should be with her so often, but it pleased the kind old man;
they met and they had their little talk, which perhaps was all the more
unlike the common intercourse of earth that worlds of meaning had to be
trusted to a tone, to a sudden meeting in the dusk (when you could see
nobody, Captain Temple said) of two pairs of eyes: and when all is
unutterable is not this as good a way of utterance as any? And then
Lottie said she must go home. Papa was coming home. He had been gone
three days. As they went back the old Captain was more and more kind to
Lottie. He kept her at the door for a moment with her hand between his
two old kind hands. “My dear, don’t be afraid to send for me or to come
to me when you want anything--my wife and I will always be ready to be
of use to you. You will not forget, Lottie?” “Oh, no, Captain Temple,”
she said; “you are always so kind to me; how could I forget?” And she
went in smiling to herself, wondering what he could think she would
want. But he was always kind, as kind as a father; far, far kinder than
her own father, she could not but remember, with a little shrug of her
shoulders. Had papa come in? Mary said “No,” and Lottie went into the
little dining-room to see that the supper was prettily arranged. There
was nothing more than cold meat, and cheese, and bread and butter; but
the bouquet in the middle, which was made up of brilliantly-coloured
leaves, was pretty; and the white tablecloth and the plates and glasses
looked bright. In her happiness she began to sing softly as she pulled
the leaves into a prettier form in the long clear glass they were
grouped in. The lamp was lighted, the table was bright, the door stood
open. Lottie, through her singing, heard steps coming up the pavement
outside, and voices. All of a sudden she paused, thinking she heard her
father’s voice. Who could he be bringing with him, without any
preparation? She cast a hasty glance at the beef, and saw with
satisfaction that there would be enough for a stranger; enough, but not
perhaps too much--he might have let her know. Then she heard his voice
quite close to the window, which was open, for the night was warm for
October--“Look in, and you will see her,” he said. “Oh, I know her very
well,” said another voice, with a laugh. Lottie turned round, with her
heart beating, towards the window, where something white was visible.
What could it mean?--was it a woman?--_a woman_ with her father at this
hour of the evening? She grew pale, she could not tell why, and gazed
first at the window, then at the door, with a flutter of tears which she
could not understand. How foolish it was! “Come in--this way--don’t be
afraid! The passage is narrow and the house is small, but there is
plenty of room for happiness when once you are in it,” said her
father’s voice in the doorway, coming through the little crooked hall.
Then the door was pushed wide open, and he came in leading some one by
the hand. It was a woman very gaily dressed, with a mountain of brown
hair and a white bonnet perched upon it, who laughed, but was nervous
too; upon whom Lottie gazed with wondering eyes and blanched cheeks. Who
was this whom he was bringing in without warning, without notice? The
Captain was very jaunty; his hat was still on his head over his left
ear. He had a bunch of violets somewhat crushed in his coat. He smiled a
smile which was rather ghastly as Lottie gazed, struck dumb with the
horror of what was coming. “Mrs. Despard,” he said with a flourish, “let
me present you with a ready-made daughter. Lottie, my child, come here
and welcome your new mamma.”
CHAPTER XXVIII.
THE CAPTAIN’S WIFE
Lottie could do nothing but stand bewildered and gaze at this new
claimant of her regard. Surprise took all the meaning, all the
intelligence out of her face. She stood with her eyes wide open, her
lips dropping apart. Her new mamma! She had the indescribable misfortune
of not being able to think upon her own mother with any reverence or
profound affection. Mrs. Despard was but “poor mamma” to her--no more.
Lottie could not shut her eyes to the deficiencies of that poor woman,
of whom the best that could be said was that she was dead, and beyond
the reach of blame. There was no cherished and vaunted idea, therefore,
to be outraged; but perhaps all the more Lottie’s soul rose up in
rebellion against the title as applied to anyone else. She had known
what was coming, and yet she was as entirely taken by surprise as if
this idea had never been suggested to her. With eyes suddenly cleared
out of all the dazzling that had clouded them, she looked at the woman
thus brought in upon her--this intruder, who, however, had more right to
be there than even Lottie had--the Captain’s wife. If this event had
happened a month or two ago, while she retained all her natural vigour,
no doubt, foolish as it was, Lottie would have made some show of
resistance. She would have protested against the sudden arrival. She
would have withdrawn from company so undesirable. She would have tried,
however absurd it might have been, to vindicate herself, to hold the
new-comer at arm’s length. But this had all become impossible now. At no
other moment could she have been so entirely taken by surprise. All the
apprehensions about her father which had been communicated to her on
former occasions had died out of her mind. She had never said very much
about this danger, or been alarmed by it, as Law was. It had not
occurred to her to inquire how it would affect herself. And now she was
taken altogether by surprise. She stood struck dumb with amazement, and
gazed at the woman, instinctively taking in every particular of her
appearance, as only a woman could do. Unconsciously to herself, Lottie
appraised the other, saw through her, calculating the meaning of her and
all her finery. No man could have done it, and she was not herself aware
of having done it; but Polly knew very well what that look meant.
Notwithstanding her own confidence in her bridal array, even Polly felt
it coming to pieces, felt it being set down for what it was worth; and,
naturally, the feeling that this was so made her angry and defiant.
“How do you do, miss?” she said, feeling that even her voice sounded
more vulgar than it need have done. “I hope as we shall be good friends.
Your pa has played you a nice trick, hasn’t he? But men is men, and when
they’re like he is there’s allowances to be made for them.” Polly was
aware that this speech was in her very worst style. She had not intended
to call Lottie Miss; but with that girl standing staring, in a plain
cotton frock, looking a lady, every inch of her, from the crown of her
head to the sole of her foot--a bride, in a fine bonnet covered with
orange-blossoms, and a bright silk dress that matched, was not in
possession of her faculties. Bold as she was, she could not but be
conscious of a tremor which mingled with her very defiance. “Well, I’m
sure, what a pretty table!” she resumed. “They might have known we were
coming home, Captain. There ain’t much on it, perhaps--not like the nice
chicken and sausages you’d have got at mother’s. But mother would never
have set it out so pretty, that I’ll allow.” Then Polly looked round
upon the dim old walls, faintly lighted by the lamp. “So this is the
dining-room,” she said; “this is my new ’ome. To think I never should
have been inside the door till now! Let me alone, Harry. I don’t want
none of your huggings. I want to make acquaintance with my new ’ome. You
know well enough I married just as much for the sake of living in the
Lodges as for you--don’t you, now?” she said, with a laugh. Perhaps
only fathers and mothers, and not even these long-suffering persons
always, can look on at the endearments of newly-married couples with
tolerance. Lottie was offended, as if their endearments had been
insulting to herself. She looked at them with an annoyed contempt. No
sympathetic touch of fellow-feeling moved her. To compare this, as she
thought, hideous travesty of love with her own, would have but hardened
her the more against them. She turned away, and shut the window, and
drew down the blind with an energy uncalled for by such simple duties.
When the Captain led his wife upstairs, that she might take off her
bonnet, Lottie sat down and tried to think. But she could not think. It
had all happened in a moment, and her mind was in an angry confusion,
not capable of reason. She could not realise what had happened, or what
was going to happen--an indignant sense of being intruded upon, of
having to receive and be civil to an unwelcome visitor, and an
impatience almost beyond bearing of this strait into which her father
had plunged her, filled her mind. Something more, she dimly felt, lay
behind--something more important, more serious; but in the meantime she
did not feel that her occupation was gone, or her kingdom taken from
her. A disagreeable person to entertain--a most unwelcome, uncongenial
guest. For the moment she could not realise anything more. But her mind
was in the most painful ferment, her heart beating. How was she to
behave to this new, strange visitor? What was she to say to her? She
must sit down at table with her, she supposed. She was Captain
Despard’s--guest. What more? But Lottie knew very well she was something
more.
Mary came in, bringing tea, which she placed at the head of the table,
where Lottie usually sat. Mary’s eyes were dancing in her head with
curiosity and excitement. “What is it, miss? oh, what is it, miss?
What’s happened?” said Mary. But Lottie made her no reply. She did not
herself know what had happened. She waited for the return of “the woman”
with a troubled mind. Everything was ready, and Lottie stood by ready to
take her seat the moment they should come back. She heard them come
downstairs, laughing and talking. The woman’s voice filled all the
house. It flowed on in a constant stream, loud enough to be heard in the
kitchen, where Mary was listening with all her ears. “Very nice on the
whole,” the new-comer was saying; “but of course I shall make a few
changes. I’ve always heard that a room should be like its mistress.
There’s not half enough pretty things to please me. I do love a pretty
room, and plenty of antimacassars and pink ribbons. Oh, I shan’t tell
you what I am going to do to it!--not a word. Gentlemen must be taught
their place. I am going to make it look very nice, and that should be
enough for you. Oh yes, I am quite ready for supper. I haven’t touched
a bit of anything since five o’clock, when we had tea. Poor Harry! I can
see how you have been put upon.” This was said at the foot of the
stairs, where not only Lottie but Mary could hear every word. Mary
understood it all, but Lottie did not understand it. She could not
receive Polly’s programme into her mind, nor think what was meant by it.
While she still stood waiting, the two came in--the bride, with her
tower of hair upon her head, and all her cheap ribbons and bangles. She
came in, drawing herself away from the Captain’s encircling arm.
“Behave!” said Polly, shaking a finger at him; and she swept in and
round the table, almost pushing against the surprised spectator who
stood looking on, and deposited herself in Lottie’s chair. “It’s best to
begin as you mean to end,” said Polly; “I’m not tired to speak of, and
I’ll take my own place at once. You can sit here, Miss Lottie, between
him and me.”
Still, Lottie did not know what to think or to say. She stood still,
bewildered, and then took the place pointed out to her. What did it
mean? It was easy enough to see what it meant, if her head had not been
so confused. “Yes, dear,” said Polly, “a little bit of cold beef--just a
very little bit. I am not fond of cold victuals. That’s not how we’ve
been living, is it? and that’s not how I mean you to live. Oh, no, I
don’t blame Lottie. Unmarried girls don’t know any better. They don’t
study a man like his wife knows how to do. I can see how it’s been; oh,
I can see! Too many mouths to feed, and the meat has to be bought
according. Who is your butcher, miss? Oh, _him_! I don’t hold with him.
I shall send for Jones to-morrow; he’s the man for my money. Wasn’t that
a lovely sweetbread that we had at our wedding breakfast? You didn’t
remark? Oh, nonsense, I’m sure you remarked! It _was_ a beauty! Well,
that was from Jones’s. I’ll send for him to-morrow. Do you take sugar in
your tea, Miss Lottie? Dear! I shouldn’t have thought it; so careful a
young lady. ’Enery, darling, what are you drinking? Do you take tea?”
“I don’t mind what I take, my love, so long as you give it me,” said the
gallant Captain; “tea or poison, I’d take it from that hand; and I don’t
want anything but to look at you at the head of my table. This is how it
should be. To think how long I have been denying myself, forgetting what
happiness was!”
“You poor dear Harry! all for the sake of your children! Well, I hope
you’ll find it repaid. They ought to be grateful. The times and times
that you and me has talked it over, and given it up for their sakes!
You’re very quiet, miss; you don’t say much,” added Polly; “but I dare
say it was a surprise to you, seeing me come home?”
“Why don’t you speak up and make yourself pleasant?” said the Captain,
with a kind of growl, under his breath.
Lottie came to herself a little by dint of this pressure. She did not
seem to know how it had come about, or what the emergency meant. “I beg
your pardon,” she said, her head swimming and everything going round
with her, “I am--taken very much by surprise. If I had known what was
going to happen I--might have been more prepared.”
“I can understand that,” said Polly. “Hold your tongue, Captain. She is
quite right. You ought to have written and told her, as I asked you. But
now that you do know I hope you mean to be friendly, miss. Them that
treats me well, I treats them well. I don’t wonder that you don’t like
it at first,” she added graciously; “a girl no older than yourself! But
he would have it, you know, and what could I do? When a man’s in that
way, it’s no use talking to him. I resisted as long as I could, but I
had to give in at the last.”
“By George!” said the Captain, helping the beef. He had some one to
stand by him now, who he felt might be a match for Lottie; but he was
still a little afraid of Lottie, and consequently eager to crow over her
in the strength of his backer. “The trouble I’ve had to bring matters to
this point!” he said. “But never mind, my love, it is all right now you
are here. At one time I thought it never was going to be accomplished.
But perseverance----”
“Perseverance does a deal; but, bless you, I never had no doubt on the
subject,” said the new Mrs. Despard, taking up her teacup in a way that
was very offensive to Lottie. The Captain looked at her from the other
end of the table with a kind of adoration; but nevertheless the Captain
himself, with all his faults, was painfully aware of her double
negatives, and thought to himself, even when he looked at her so
admiringly, that he must give her a few lessons. He had never paid much
attention to Lottie, and yet he could not help getting a glimpse of his
new wife through Lottie’s eyes.
“Where is my son?” said Polly. “Harry, darling, where is that dear Law?
He won’t be so much surprised, will he? He had a notion how things were
going. But I’ve got a great deal to say to him, I can tell you. I don’t
approve of his goings on. There’s a many things as I mean to put a stop
to. Nobody shall say as I don’t do my duty by your children. I shall
tell him----”
“Do you know Law?” said Lottie. This gave her a little chill of horror;
though indeed she remembered that Law had spoken of some one--some one
about whom Lottie had not cared to inquire.
“Oh, yes, miss, I know Law.” (Polly did not know how it was that she
said Miss to Lottie. She did not mean to do it. She did it, not in
respect, but in derision; but the word came to her lips, whether she
would or not.) “Law and I are old friends. Time was when I didn’t feel
sure--not quite sure, you know,” she said, with a laugh of mingled
vanity and malice, “if it was to be the father or the son; but, Lord,
there’s no comparison,” she added hastily, seeing that even on the
Captain’s fine countenance this boast produced a momentary cloud. “Law
will never be as fine a man as his father. He hasn’t got the Captain’s
carriage, nor he ain’t so handsome. Bless us, are you listening, Harry?
I didn’t mean you to hear. I don’t think you handsome a bit, now, do I?
I’m sure I’ve told you times and times----”
The two thus exchanging glances and pretty speeches across the table
were too much occupied with themselves to think of anything else. And no
one heard Law’s approach till he pushed open the door, and with a
“Hillo!” of absolute amazement, stood thunderstruck, gazing upon this
astonishing spectacle. The sight that Law beheld was not a disagreeable
sight in itself: the table, all bright with its bouquet of crimson
leaves, which the Captain had pushed to one side in order that he might
see his wife--and the three faces round it, two of them beaming with
triumph and satisfaction. The young man stood at the door and took it
all in, with a stare at first, of dismay. Opposite to him sat Lottie,
put out of her place, looking stunned, as if she had fallen from a
height and did not know where she was. As he stood there she lifted her
eyes to him with a look of wondering and bewildered misery which went to
Law’s heart; but the next moment he burst into a loud laugh, in spite of
himself. To see the governor casting languishing looks at Polly was more
than his gravity could bear. He could think of nothing, after the first
shock, but “what a joke” it was. A man in love, especially a man in the
first imbecility of matrimonial bliss, is a joke at any time; but when
it’s your governor, Law said to himself! He gave a great roar of
laughter. “Polly, by Jove!” he said; “so you’ve been and done it!” It
had alarmed him much beforehand, and no doubt it might be tragical
enough after; but for the moment it was the best joke that Law had
encountered for years.
“Yes, we’ve been and done it,” said Polly, rising and holding out her
hand to him. “Come here and kiss me, my son. I am delighted to see you.
It’s so nice to hear a good laugh, and see a bright face. Lottie, Law,
hasn’t found her tongue yet. She hasn’t a word to throw at a dog, much
less her new mamma. But you, it’s a pleasure to see you. Ah!” said
Polly, with effusion, “the gentlemen for me! Ladies, they’re spiteful,
and they’re jealous, and they’re stuck up; but gentlemen does you
justice. You mustn’t call me Polly, however, though I forgive you the
first time. You must know that =I= am your mamma.”
Law laughed again, but it was not a pleasant laugh; and he grasped the
hand which his father held out to him with a desire to crush it, if he
could, which was natural enough. Law thought it a joke, it is true; but
he was angry at bottom, though amused on the surface. And he did hurt
his father’s somewhat flabby, unworking hand. The Captain, however,
would not complain. He was glad even to be met with a semblance of
cordiality at such a moment. He helped Law largely to the beef, in the
satisfaction of this family union, and this was a sign of anxiety which
Law did not despise.
“Oh, and I assure you I mean to be a mother to you,” said Polly. “It
shan’t be said now that you haven’t anyone to look after you. _I_ mean
to look after you. I am not at all satisfied with some of your goings
on. A gentleman shouldn’t make too free with them that are beneath him.
Yes, yes, Harry, darling; it’s too early to begin on that point; but he
shall know my mind, and _I_ mean to look after him. Now this is what I
call comfortable,” said Mrs. Despard, looking round with a beaming
smile; “quite a family party, and quite a nice tea; though the beef’s
dry to my taste (but =I= never was one for cold victuals), and everybody
satisfied----”
“Lottie,” said the Captain, looking up from his beef with some
sternness, “you seem the only exception. Don’t you think, my child, when
you see everybody so happy, that you might find a word to say?”
“Oh, don’t hurry her,” said Polly; “we’ve took her by surprise. I told
you not to, but you would. We’ll have a nice long talk to-morrow, when
she gives me over the housekeeping; and when she sees as I mean to act
like a mother, why things will come right between her and me.”
The Despards were not highly educated people, but yet a shiver ran
through them when Polly, unconscious, said, “We’ve took her by
surprise.” The Captain even shrank a little, and took a great deal too
much mustard, and made himself cough; while Law, in spite of himself,
laughed, looking across the table to the place where Lottie sat. Lottie
noticed it the least of all. She heard every word they all said, and
remembered every word, the most trifling; but at the moment she scarcely
distinguished the meaning of them. She said, “I think, papa, if you
don’t mind, I will go to my room. I am rather tired; and perhaps I had
better give some orders to Mary.”
“Oh, never mind; never mind about Mary, if it’s on my account. I shall
look after her myself,” said Polly. “What’s good enough for the Captain
is good enough for me; at least, till I settle it my own way, you know.
I don’t want to give any trouble at all, till I can settle things my own
way.”
“It is not I that have to be consulted,” said Captain Despard; “but if
you are going to sit sulky and not say a word, I don’t see--what do you
think, my pet?--that it matters whether you go or stay----”
“Oh, don’t mind me, Miss,” said Polly. She could not look Miss Despard
in the face and call her Lottie, knowing, however she might consent to
waive her own rights, that Miss Despard was still Miss Despard, whatever
Polly might do. Not a thing on her that was worth five shillings, not a
brooch even; nothing like a bracelet; a bit of a cotton frock, no more;
but she was still Miss Despard, and unapproachable. Polly, with her
bracelets on each wrist, rings twinkling on her hands as she took her
supper, in a blue silk, and knowing herself to be an officer’s
lady--Mrs. Captain Despard--with all this, could not speak to her
husband’s daughter except as Miss. She could not understand it, but
still it was so.
The little crooked hall was full of boxes when Lottie came out; and Mary
stood among them, wondering how she was to get them upstairs. Perhaps
she had been listening a little at the door, for Mary’s consternation
was as great as Lottie’s. “Do you think, Miss, it’s real and true? Do
you think as she’s married, sure? Mother wouldn’t let me stay a day if
there was anything wrong, and I don’t know as I’ll stay anyhow,” Mary
said.
“Wrong? what could be wrong?” said Lottie. She was less educated in
knowledge of this kind than the little maid-of-all-work. It troubled her
to see the boxes littering the hall, but _she_ could not carry them
upstairs. For a moment the impulse to do it, or, at least, to help Mary
in doing it, came into her mind; but, on second thoughts, she refrained.
What had she to do with this new-comer into the house, who was not even
a visitor, who had come to remain? Lottie went upstairs without saying
any more. She went first into the little faded drawing-room, where there
was no light except that which came from the window and the lamp in the
Dean’s Walk. It was not beautiful. She had never had any money to
decorate it, to make it what it might have been, nor pretty furniture to
put into it. But she sat down on her favourite little chair, in the
dark, and felt as if she had gone to sit by somebody that was dead, who
had been a dear friend. How friendly and quiet the little room had been!
giving her a centre for her life, a refuge for her thoughts. But all
that was over. She had never known before that she had liked it or
thought of it much; but now, all at once, what a gentle and pleasant
shelter it had been! As Lottie thought of everything, the tears came
silently and bitterly into her eyes. She herself had been ungrateful,
unkind to the little old house, the venerable old place, the kind
people. They had all been kind to her. She had visited her own
disappointment upon them, scorning the neighbours because they were less
stately than she expected them to be; visiting upon them her own
discontent with her position, her own disappointment in being less
important than she expected. Lottie was hard upon herself, for she had
not been unkind to anyone, but was, on the contrary, a favourite with
her neighbours--the only girl in the place, and allowed by the old
people to have a right to whims and fancies. Now, in the face of this
strange, incomprehensible misfortune, she felt the difference. Her quiet
old room! where kind voices had spoken to her, where _he_ had come,
saying such words as made her heart beat; where she had sung to him, and
received those tender applauses which had been like treasure to Lottie.
She seemed to see a series of past scenes like pictures rising before
her. Not often had Rollo been there--yet two or three times; and Mrs.
O’Shaughnessy, with her mellow brogue, and Mr. Ashford, and even the
stately person of the Dean himself. She had been at home here, to
receive them, whoever came. The room had never been invaded by anything
that was unfriendly or unpleasing. Now--what was it that woman said of
changes--making it look nice? Lottie had not understood the words when
they were said, but they came back upon her now.
By-and-by she heard some one coming upstairs, and, starting, rose to
steal away to her own room, afraid to meet the stranger again; but no
light made its appearance, and Law put in his head at the door, then
seeing something moving against the window, came to her, and threw
himself down on the window-seat. “They’re going on so downstairs, that I
couldn’t stand it,” said Law; “it’s enough to make a fellow sick”--and
then, after a pause, “Well! I told you what was coming, but you wouldn’t
believe me; what do you think of it now?”
“Oh, Law, what does it mean?--Are we not dreaming? Can it be true?”
“True! of course it is true. I told you what was going to happen.” Then
his tone softened. “Poor Lottie, it’s you I’m sorry for. If you could
only see yourself beside her! And where were his eyes, that he couldn’t
see?” Here Law paused abruptly, wondering all at once whether the
difference would be as marked between his sister and the girls whom he
too liked to spend his evenings with. He was sure that Emma was not
like that woman; but still the thought subdued his indignation. “I say,”
he added hastily, “I want to give you a bit of advice. Just you give in
to her, Lottie. Fighting is no good: she has got a tongue that you
couldn’t stand, and the things she would say you wouldn’t understand. I
understand her well enough; but you wouldn’t know what she meant, and it
would make you angry and hurt you. Give in, Lottie. Since the governor’s
been so silly, she has a right. And don’t you make any stand as if you
could do it--for you can’t. It is a great deal better not to resist----”
“What do you mean by resist? How can I resist? The house is papa’s, I
suppose?” said Lottie. “The thing is, I don’t understand it. I can’t
understand it: that somebody should be coming to stay here, to be one of
us, to be mixed up in everything--whom we don’t know----”
“To be mistress,” said Law, “that’s the worst--not to be mixed up with
us, but to be over us. To take everything out of your hands----”
“Do you think I care for that? I do not mind who is mistress,” said
Lottie, all unaware of her own characteristics. Law was wiser than she
was in this respect. He shook his head.
“That’s the worst,” he said; “she’ll be mistress--she’ll change
everything. Oh, I know Polly well; though I suppose, for decency, I
mustn’t say Polly now.”
“How is it you know her so well? And how did papa know her?” said
Lottie. “I should have thought you never could have met such women. Ah!
you told me once about--others. Law! you can’t like company like that;
surely, you can’t like company like that! how did you get to know her?”
Law was very much discomfited by this sudden question. In the midst of
his sympathy and compassion for his sister, it was hard all at once to
be brought to book, when he had forgotten the possibility of such a
danger.
“Well, you know,” he said, “fellows do; I don’t know how it is--you come
across some one, and then she speaks to you, and then you’re forced to
speak back; or perhaps it’s you that speaks first--it isn’t easy to
tell. This was as simple as anything,” Law went on, relieved by the
naturalness of his own explanation. “They all work in the same house
where Langton lives, my old coach, you know, before I went to old
Ashford. I don’t know how the governor got there. Perhaps it was the
same way. Going in and out, you know, day after day, why, how could you
help it? And when a woman speaks to you, what can you do, but say
something? That’s exactly how it was.”
“But, Law,” she said, grasping his arm--all this conversation was so
much easier in the dark--“Law, you will take care? she said she was not
quite sure whether it was to be the father or the son. Ah! a woman who
could say that, Law----”
“It’s a lie,” said Law, fiercely, “and she knows it. I never thought
anything of her--never. It’s a lie, if she were to swear it! Polly! why,
she’s thirty, she’s---- I give my word of honour, it’s a lie.”
“But, Law! oh, Law dear----”
“I know what you’re going to say. I’ll take care of myself; no fear of
me getting entangled,” said Law briskly. Then he stopped, and, still
favoured by the dark, took her hands in his. “Lottie, it’s my turn now.
I know you won’t stand questioning, nor being talked to. But, look
here--don’t shilly-shally if you can care for anybody, and he’ll marry
you and give you a place of your own--You needn’t jump up as if I had
shot you. If you talk about such things to me, I may surely talk to you.
And mind what I say. I don’t expect you’ll be able to put up with your
life here----”
“I hear them stirring downstairs,” said Lottie, drawing her hands out of
his hold. “Don’t keep me, don’t hold me, Law. I cannot see her again
to-night.”
“You won’t give me any answer,” said the lad regretfully. There was real
feeling in his voice--“But, Lottie, mind what I say. I don’t believe
you’ll be able to put up with it, and if there’s anyone you care for and
he’ll marry you----”
Lottie freed herself from him violently, and fled. Even in the dark
there were things that Law could not be permitted to say, or she to
hear.
CHAPTER XXIX.
THE HEAVINGS OF THE EARTHQUAKE.
The next morning dawned very strangely on all the members of the little
household. Lottie was down early, as she generally was; but the
advantages of early rising were neutralised by the condition of the
little maid, Mary, who was too much excited to do her work, and kept
continually coming back to pour her doubts and her difficulties into
Lottie’s ear. “I can’t get no rest till I’ve told mother,” Mary said.
“If there’s anything wrong, mother won’t let me stay, not a day. And
even if there’s nothing wrong, I don’t know as I’ll stay. I haven’t got
no fault to find with you, Miss; nor the Captain, nor even Mr. Law:
though he’s a dreadful bother with his boots cleaning; but to say as
you’re beginning as you mean to end, and then to give all that trouble!
every blessed thing, I had to drag it upstairs. Mr. Law was very kind;
he took up the big box--I couldn’t ha’ done it; but up and down, up and
down, all the little boxes and the bags, and the brown paper
parcels--‘It saves trouble if you begins as you means to end,’ she
says----”
“I don’t want to hear what Mrs. Despard says,” said Lottie. Mrs.
Despard: it was her mother’s name. And though that mother had not been
an ideal mother, or one of those who are worshipped in their children’s
memories, it is wonderful, what a gush of tender recollections came into
Lottie’s mind with the name. Poor mamma! she had been very kind in her
way, always ready to indulge and to pardon, if indifferent to what
happened in more important matters. She had never exacted anything,
never worried her children about idleness or untidiness, or any of those
minor sins which generally make a small girl’s life a burden to her.
Lottie’s mind went back to her, lying on her sofa, languid, perhaps
lazy--badly dressed; yet never anything but a lady, with a kind of
graciousness in her faded smile, and grace in her faded gown. Not a
woman to be held in adoration, and yet--the girl sighed, but set to work
to make the little brown dining-room neat, to get the table set, making
up for Mary’s distracted service by her own extra activity. For amid all
the horrors of last night there was one which had cut Lottie very
deeply, and that was the many references to the cold beef, and the
bride’s dislike of “cold victuals.” It is inconceivable, among all the
more important matters involved, how deeply wounded Lottie’s pride had
been by this reproach. She resolved that no one should be able to speak
so to-day; and she herself put on her hat and went out to the shop on
the Abbey Hill almost as soon as it had opened, that this intolerable
reproach should not be in the interloper’s power. She met more than one
of the old Chevaliers as she came up, for most of them kept early hours
and paced the terrace pavement in the morning as if it had been morning
parade. They all looked at her curiously, and one or two stopped her to
say “good morning.” “And a fine morning it is, and you look as fresh as
a flower,” one of the old gentlemen said; and another laid his hand on
her shoulder, patting her with a tender fatherly touch. “God bless you,
my dear, the sight of you is a pleasure,” said this old man. How little
she had thought or cared for them, and how kind they were in her
trouble! She could see that everybody knew. Lottie did not know whether
she did not half resent the universal knowledge. Most likely they had
known it before she did. The whole town knew it, and everybody within
the Precincts. Captain Despard had got married! Such a thing had not
occurred before in the memory of man. Many people believed, indeed, that
there was a law against it, and that Captain Despard was liable to be
turned out of his appointment. Certainly it was unprecedented; for the
old Chevaliers before they came to St. Michael’s had generally passed
the age at which men marry. The whole scene seemed to have taken a
different aspect to Lottie. Since her home had become impossible to
her, it had become dear. For the first time she felt how good it was to
look across upon the noble old buttresses of the Abbey, to inhabit that
“retired leisure,” that venerable quietness. If only that woman were not
there! But that woman was there, and everything was changed. Lottie had
been rudely awakened, dragged, as it were, out of her dreams. She could
not think as she usually did of the meetings that were sure to come
somehow in the Abbey, or on the Slopes--or count how long it would be
till the afternoon or evening, when she should see him. This, though it
was her life, had been pushed out of the way. She thought of all last
night’s remarks about the cold beef and the poor fare, and the changes
that were going to be made. Would she think bacon good enough for
breakfast?--would she be satisfied with the rolls, which Lottie herself
felt to be a holiday indulgence? Pride, and nothing but pride, had
thrown the girl into such excesses. She could not endure those
criticisms again. Her brain was hot and hazy, without having any power
of thought. The confusion of last night was still in her. Would it all
turn out a dream? or would the door open by-and-by and show this
unaccustomed figure? Lottie did not feel that she could be sure of
anything. The first to come down was Law, who had been forced from his
bed for once by sympathy. Law was very kind to Lottie. “I thought I
wouldn’t leave you to face her by yourself,” he said; “they’re coming
down directly.” Then Lottie knew that it was no dream.
The bride came down in a blue merino dress, as blue as the silk of last
night. Polly was of opinion that she looked well in blue; and it was not
one of the ethereal tints that are now used, but a good solid, full
blue, quite uncompromising in point of colour. And the hair on her head
was piled up as if it would reach the skies, or the ceiling at least.
She came down arm-in-arm with her husband, the two smiling upon each
other, while Law and Lottie stood one on each side of the table with no
smiles, looking very serious. It was Mrs. Despard who did the most of
the conversation; for the Captain was passive, feeling, it must be
allowed, somewhat embarrassed by the presence of his children, who did
not embarrass her at all. But she did not think the bacon very good. She
thought it badly cooked. She thought the girl could not have been well
trained to send it up like that. And she was not pleased either with the
rolls; but announced her intention of changing the baker as well as the
butcher. “We’ve always gone to Willoughby’s, as long as I can recollect,
and I don’t fancy any bread but his.” Lottie did not say anything, she
was nearly as silent as on the previous night; and Law, who was
opposite, though he made faces at her now and then, and did his best to
beguile his sister into a laugh, did not contribute much to the
conversation. He got up as soon as he had swallowed his breakfast and
got his books. “I’m off to old Ashford,” he said.
“Where are you going, Law?--you must never get up from table without
asking my leave--it is dreadful unmannerly. You have got into such
strange ways; you want me to bring you back to your manners, all of you.
Who are you going to?--not to Mr. Langton as you used to do--I’m glad of
that.”
“I don’t see why you should be glad of that. I’m going to old Ashford,”
said Law, gloomily. “He is a much better coach than Langton. I have not
anything to do to-day, Lottie; I shall be back at twelve o’clock.”
“Dear me,” said Mrs. Despard, “how long is Law going on going to school
like a little boy? I never heard of such a thing, at his age. He should
be put into something where he could earn a little money for himself,
instead of costing money; a great, strong young fellow like that. I
think you’re all going to sleep here. You want me, as anybody can see,
to wake you up, and save you from being put upon, my poor man. But I
hope I know how to take care of my own husband, and see that he gets the
good of what he has, and don’t just throw it away upon other folks. And
I begin as I means to end,” said Polly, with a little toss of her head.
Law, stopped by the sound of her voice, had turned round at the door,
and contemplated her with gloomy looks; but seeing it was not to come to
anything bad, went away. And the bell began, and the Captain rose. His
bride came to him fondly, and brushed a crumb or two off his coat and
arranged the flower in his button-hole. “Now you look quite sweet,” she
said with genuine enthusiasm. “I ain’t going in the morning, when none
but the regular folks is there, but I mean to go, my dear, in the
afternoon. It’s only proper respect, living in the Precincts; but you
won’t be long, dear? You’ll come home to your poor little wife, that
don’t know what to do without her handsome husband? Now, won’t you,
dear?”
“I’ll be back as fast as my legs can carry me,” said the Captain. “Come
and meet me, my pet. Lottie will tell you when the voluntary begins----”
“Oh, I can tell very well without Lottie,” said the bride, hanging upon
him till he reached the door. All these endearments had an indescribable
effect upon the girl, who was compelled to stand by. Lottie turned her
back to them and re-arranged the ornaments on the mantelpiece, with
trembling hands, exasperated almost beyond the power of self-restraint.
But when the Captain was gone, looking back in his imbecility to kiss
his hand to his bride, the situation changed at once. Polly turned
round, sharp and business-like, in a moment. “Ring the bell, Miss,” she
said, “and tell the girl to clear them things away. And then, if you
will just hand me over the keys, and let me see your housekeeping things
and your stores and all that, we may settle matters without any trouble.
I likes to begin as I mean to end,” said Polly peremptorily. Lottie
stood and looked at her for a moment, her spirit rekindling, her mind
rising up in arms against the idea of obedience to this stranger. But
what would be the use of trying to resist? Resist! what power had she?
The very pride which rebelled against submission made the submission
inevitable. She could not humiliate herself by a vain struggle. Polly,
who was very doubtful of the yielding of this natural adversary, and
rather expected to have a struggle for her “rights,” was quite
bewildered by the meekness with which the proud girl, who scarcely took
any notice of her, she thought, acquiesced in the orders she gave.
Lottie rang the bell. She said, “You will prefer, I am sure, to give
Mary her orders without me. There are not many keys, but I will go and
get what I have.”
“Not many keys! and you call yourself a housekeeper?” said Polly. Lottie
turned away as the little maid came in, looking impertinent enough to be
a match for the new mistress; but Lottie was no match for her. She went
and got out her little housekeeping-book, which she had kept so neatly.
She gathered the keys of the cupboards, which generally stood unlocked,
for there was not so much in them that she should lock them up. Lottie
had all the instincts of a housekeeper. It gave her positive pain to
hand over the symbols of office--to give up her occupation. Her heart
sank as she prepared to do it. All her struggles about the bills, her
anxious thought how this and that was to be paid, seemed elements of
happiness now. She could not bear to give them up. The pain of this
compulsory abdication drove everything else out of her head. Love, they
say, is all a woman’s life, but only part of a man’s; yet Lottie forgot
even Rollo--forgot his love and all the consolation it might bring, in
this other emergency, which was petty enough, yet all-important to her.
She trembled as she got together these little symbols of her domestic
sovereignty. She heard the new mistress of the house coming up the
stairs as she did so, talking all the way. “I never heard such
impudence,” Polly was saying. “Speak back to her mistress! a bit of a
chit of a maid-of-all-work like that. I suppose she’s been let do
whatever she pleased; but she’ll find out the difference.” Behind
Polly’s voice came a gust of weeping from below, and a cry of, “I’m
going to tell mother:” thus hostilities had commenced all along the
line.
“I can’t think how ever you got on with a creature like that,” said
Polly, throwing herself down in the easy-chair. “She don’t know how to
do a single thing, as far as I can see; but some folks never seem to
mind. She shan’t stay here not a day longer than I can help. I’ve given
her warning on the spot. To take impudence from a servant the very first
day! But that’s always the way when things are let go; the moment they
find a firm hand over them there’s a to-do. To be sure it wasn’t to be
looked for that you could know much, Miss, about managing a house.”
“Mary is a very good girl,” said Lottie hastily. “She has always done
what I told her. Here are the keys of the cupboards, since you wish for
them; but there are not any stores to lock away. I get the things every
week, just enough to use----”
“And don’t lock them up!” Polly threw up her hands. “That’s one way of
housekeeping; but how should you know any better, poor thing, brought up
like that! I’m sure I don’t mean to be hard upon you; but you should
have thought a bit of your papa, and not have wasted his money. However,
that’s all over now. A man wants a nice ’ome to come back to, he wants a
nice dinner on the table, he wants somebody that can talk to him, to
keep him out of mischief. Oh, I know very well the Captain’s been fond
of having his fling. I ain’t one of the ignorant ones, as don’t know a
man’s ways. And I like that sort much the best myself. I like a man to
be a man, and know what’s what. But you’ll soon see the difference, now
that he’s got some one to amuse him, and some one to make him
comfortable at home. So these are all, Miss Lottie? And what’s this? oh,
a book! I don’t think much of keeping books. You know how much you has
to spend, and you spend it; that’s my way.”
Lottie made no reply. She felt it to be wiser for herself, but no doubt
it was less respectful to Polly, who paused now and then for a reply,
then went on again, loving to hear herself talk, yet feeling the
contempt involved in this absence of all response. At last she cried
angrily, “Have you lost your tongue, Miss, or do you think as I’m not
good enough to have an answer, though I’m your papa’s wife?”
“I beg your pardon,” said Lottie; “I--don’t know what to say to you. We
don’t know each other. I don’t understand---- Don’t you see,” she cried
suddenly, unable to restrain herself, “that since you came into the
house you have done nothing but--find fault with all my--arrangements--”
(these mild words came with the utmost difficulty; but Lottie was too
proud to quarrel). “You can’t think that I could like that. I have done
my best, and if you try as I have done, you will find it is not so easy.
But I don’t want to defend myself; that is why I don’t say anything.
There can be no good in quarrelling, whether you think me a bad
housekeeper or not.”
“I ain’t so sure of that,” said Polly. “Have a good flare-up, and be
done with it, that’s my way. I don’t hold with your politeness, and
keeping yourself to yourself. I’d rather quarrel than be always bursting
with spite and envy, like some folks. It stands to reason as you must
hate me, taking things out of your hands; and it stands to reason as I
should think more of my own husband than of keeping up your brother and
you in idleness. But for all that, and though we might fight now and
then--everybody does, I don’t care nothing for a girl as is always the
same--I don’t see why we shouldn’t get on neither. The Captain says as
you’ve a very good chance of a husband yourself. And though I’m just
about your own age, I’ve had a deal of experience. I know how to bring a
man to the point, if he’s shilly-shallying, or won’t speak up like a
man, as a girl has a right to expect.”
“Oh! stop, stop, stop!” cried Lottie, wild with horror. She cast a
hurried glance round, to see what excuse she could make for getting
away. Then she seized eagerly upon her music which lay on the old square
piano. “I must go to my lesson,” she said.
“Your lesson! Are you having lessons too? Upon my word! Oh, my poor
husband! my poor Captain! No wonder as he has nothing but cold beef to
eat,” said Polly, with all the fervour of a deliverer, finding out one
misery after another. “And if one might make so bold as to ask, Miss,
who is it as has the honour to give lessons to you?”
“The Signor--Mr. Rossinetti,” Lottie added, after a moment. It seemed
desecration to talk of any of the familiar figures within the Abbey
precincts by their familiar title to this intruder.
“Oh! I’m not so ignorant as not to know who the Signor is. That will be
half-a-guinea, or at the least seven-and-six a lesson!” she said,
raising her hands in horror. “Oh, my poor ’usband! This is how his money
goes! Miss,” said Polly, severely, “you can’t expect as I should put up
with such goings on. I have your papa to think of, and I won’t see him
robbed--no, not whatever you may do. For I call that robbery, just
nothing else. Half-a-guinea a lesson, and encouraging Law to waste his
time! I can’t think how you can do it: with that good, dear, sweet,
confiding man letting you have your own way, and suspecting nothing,”
cried Polly, clasping her hands. Then she got up suddenly. “I declare,”
she cried, “church is near over, and me not ready to go out and meet
him! I can’t go out a figure, in a common rag like this, and me a bride.
I must put on my silk. Of course, he wants to show me off a bit before
his friends. I’ll run and get ready, and we can talk of this another
time.”
Thus Lottie escaped for the moment. She was asked a little later to see
if Mrs. Despard’s collar was straight, and to pin on her veil. “Do I
look nice?” said Polly triumphant, and at the same time mollified by the
services which Lottie rendered without objection. She had put on her
“blue silk” and the bonnet with the orange-blossoms, and neckties enough
to stock a shop. “Perhaps, as there’s nothing ordered, and I mean to
make a change with the tradespeople, the Captain and me won’t come back
to dinner,” said Polly. “There’s your favourite cold beef, Miss, for Law
and you.” Lottie felt that she began to breathe when, rustling and
mincing, her strange companion swept out, in the face of all the people
who were dispersing from matins, to meet her husband. Polly liked the
wondering encounter of all their eyes. With her blue silk sweeping the
pavement after her, and her pink parasol, and the orange-blossoms on her
bonnet, her figure descending the Dean’s Walk alone, while all the
others issued out of the Abbey doors, was conspicuous enough. She was
delighted to find that everybody looked at her, and even that some stood
still to watch her, looking darkly at her finery. These were the people
who were jealous, envious of her fine clothes and her happiness, or
jealous of her handsome husband, who met her presently, but who perhaps
was not so much delighted to see her amidst all his fellow-Chevaliers as
she thought. Captain Despard was not a man of very fine perceptions; but
though his blooming young wife was a splendid object indeed beside the
dark, little old figure of Mrs. Temple, he had seen enough to feel that
the presence of the old lady brought out into larger prominence
something which the younger lacked. But he met her with effusive
delight, and drew her hand within his arm, and thus they disappeared
together. Outside the Precincts there was no need to make any
comparison, and Polly’s brilliancy filled all hearts with awe.
When Law returned, he found Lottie seated in her little chair, with her
face hidden in her hands. It was not that she was crying, as he feared
at first. The face she raised to him was crimson with excitement. “Oh,
Law!” she said, “Law, Law!” Lottie had got beyond the range of words.
After a while she told him all the events of the morning, which did not
look half so important when they were told, and they tried to lay their
heads together and think what was best to be done. But what could anyone
do? Mary could scarcely put the remnants of the cold beef on the table,
for her eagerness to tell that she had been to mother, and mother would
not hear of her staying. “Places isn’t so hard to get as all that, for a
girl with a good character,” she said. When she was gone, Lottie looked
piteously at her brother.
“What kind of a place could I get?” she said. “What am I fit for? Oh,
Law! I think it is a mistake to be brought up a lady. I never thought it
before, but I do now. How can we go on living here? and where are we to
go?”
“That’s what I always said,” said Law. He was horribly grave, but he had
not a word to say except that he had got a match at football, and
perhaps might stay and sup with the fellows afterwards. “I’m just as
well out of the way, for what can I do for you? only make things worse,”
he said. And though he had been so kind and sympathetic at first, Law
stole away, glad to escape, and left Lottie alone, to bear it as she
might. She had no lesson that day, though she had pretended to have one.
She would not go to the Abbey, where the new member of the family meant
to appear, she knew. Lottie stayed in the familiar room which was hers
no longer, until the silence became too much for her, and she felt that
any human voice would be a relief. She went out in the afternoon, when
all seemed quiet, when everybody had gone to the Abbey for the evening
service. There would be nobody about, and it seemed to Lottie that the
shame was upon her, that it was she who must shrink from all eyes. Mrs.
O’Shaughnessy, however, knocking on the window violently, instantly
gave her to understand that this was impracticable. The girl tried to
resist, being afraid of what she might say, and of what might be said to
her. But as she hurried on, Mrs. O’Shaughnessy’s maid rushed after her.
Lottie had to go to her old friend, though very reluctantly. Mrs.
O’Shaughnessy had a bad cold. She was sitting wrapped up in a shawl, and
a visitor with something to tell was beyond price to her. “Come and tell
me all about it, then!” she cried, “me poor darlin’!” enveloping Lottie
in her large embrace. “And tell the Major, Sally, and let nobody come
in.” The Major came instantly to the call, and Lottie tried to tell her
story to the kind couple who sat on either side of her, with many an
exclamation.
“I knew that was what it would come to,” Mrs. O’Shaughnessy said.
“And I never thought Despard (saving your presence, my dear) could have
been such a fool!” cried the Major.
“Oh, sure, Major, you’re old enough to know that every man is a fool
where a woman’s concerned.”
But what was Lottie to do? They petted her and condoled with her,
soothing her with their sympathy, and all the tender words they could
think of; but they could throw no light upon one point: what could the
girl do? Nothing, but put up with it. They shook their heads, but could
give her no comfort. If Law had but been doing something instead of
idling all his time away! But then Law was not doing anything. What was
he good for, any more than Lottie?
“Mary can get another place. Her mother will not let her stay, and she
can get another place, she says; but here are two of us, Law and I, and
we are good for nothing!” cried Lottie. How her thoughts were altered
from the time when she thought it necessary to stay at home, to do no
visible work, for the credit of the family! Lottie was not young enough
to feel that it was necessary to be consistent. “We are young and strong
and able to work, but we are good for nothing!” she said. And they both
looked at her blankly, not knowing what to say.
By-and-by Lottie escaped again into the open air, notwithstanding their
anxious invitation that she should stay with them. She was too wretched
to stay, and there had come upon her a longing to see another face in
which there might be comfort. As she went out she almost walked into
Captain Temple’s arms, who was walking slowly along looking up at her
window. The old man took both her hands into his. “My poor child!” he
said. He was not so frankly inquisitive as the good people she had just
left, but he drew her hand through his arm and walked with her, bending
over her.
“I do not want to tempt you from your duty, my dear; you’ll do what is
right, I am sure you will do what is right. But I can’t bear to think
you are in trouble, and we so near. And my wife,” said the old man
slightly faltering, “my wife thinks so, too.” He was not quite so sure
of his wife. She had the restraining effect upon her husband which a
more reserved and uncommunicative mind has over an impulsive one. He
knew what he would like to do, but he was not sure of her, and this put
hesitation into his speech.
“Oh! Captain Temple,” cried Lottie, moved at last to tears, “what am I
to do? If I cannot bear it, what am I to do?”
“Come and speak to my wife,” he said; “come, dear, and see my wife. She
can’t talk about everything as I do, but she has more sense than anyone,
and knows the world. Come with me, Lottie, and see what Mrs. Temple
says.”
He thought the sight of the girl in her trouble would be enough, and
that his wife would certainly say what it was on his own lips to say.
Just then, however, there was a sound of doors opening, and old Wykeham
came out and looked upon the world with a defiant countenance from the
south door of the Abbey, which was a sign that service was over; and the
notes of the voluntary began to peal out into the air. Lottie drew her
arm from that of her old friend--she could not bear the eyes of the
crowd. “Another time, another time; but I must go now,” she cried,
escaping from him and turning towards the Slopes. The old Captain’s
first impulse was to follow. He stood for a moment gazing after her as
she sped along, slim and swift and young, up the deserted road. It was
beginning to grow dark, and the evening was colder than it had been yet.
Where was she going? To her favourite haunt on the Slopes to get the
wind in her face; to let her thoughts go, like birds, into the wide
space and distance? If that had been all! The old man thought of an
alternative which filled him with alarm. He took a step after her, and
then he paused again, and shaking his head, turned back, meeting all the
people as they streamed out of the Abbey. Poor child! if she did meet
_him_ there, what then? It would comfort her to see her lover; and if he
was good, as the anxious old Chevalier hoped, had not the lover more
power to save her than all the world? There was no question of taking
Lottie from her father and mother, separating her from her home. If this
young man were to offer her a home of her own, where could there be so
good a solution to the problem? Captain Temple turned and walked home
with a sigh. It was not his way of delivering Lottie, but perhaps it was
the way that would be most for her happiness, and who was he that he
should interfere? He let her go to her fate with a sigh.
CHAPTER XXX.
LOTTIE’S FATE.
Lottie went up the Dean’s Walk hastily, feeling as if she had taken
flight. And she was taking flight. She could not bear to meet the people
coming from the Abbey, among whom no doubt her father and his wife would
be. Lottie was scarcely aware that there was anything else in her mind.
She hurried to the Slopes as the natural refuge of her trouble. The wind
blowing fresh in her face, the great sweep of distance, the air and the
clouds, the familiar rustle of the trees, seemed to have become part of
her, a necessity of her living. And the Slopes were almost deserted now.
In October the night comes early, the afternoon is short, even before
the winds become chill; already it was darkening, though the afternoon
service was but newly over. The trees were beginning to lose their
gorgeous apparel: every breeze shook down hosts of leaves, shreds of
russet brown and pale gold; the wind was wistful and mournful, with a
sigh in it that promised rain. Lottie saw nobody about. She stole
through the trees to her favourite corner, and leaned upon the low
parapet, looking over the familiar scene. She was so familiar with it,
every line; and yet it seemed to her to-night like scenery in a theatre
which by-and-by would collapse and split asunder, and give place to
something different. It would vanish from her sight, and in place of it
there would appear the dim background of one of the little rooms at
home, with a figure in a blue gown relieved against it, tossing about a
mountain of braids and plaits. Lottie did not feel sure that this figure
would not appear at her very side, lay an imperative hand on her
shoulder, and order her to give up the secrets of her own being. Thus
she carried her care within her. She stood leaning over the parapet,
with the trees rustling around, scarcely aware what she was thinking of.
Did she expect anyone? She would have said, No. The night was overcast
and growing dismal, why should she expect anyone? What reason could he
have for coming out here? He could have no instinctive knowledge of her
misery, to bring him, and he had no longer that excuse of his cigar
after dinner as on the happy nights when the air was still like summer.
No! it was only for the stillness, only for the air, only to fling her
troublesome thoughts out to the horizon and empty her mind, and thus
feel it possible to begin again, that she had come. And never had that
stillness been so still before. By-and-by this scene would melt away,
and it would be the little dining-room in the Lodge, with the white
tablecloth and the lamp lighted upon it. She had been weary of her home,
she had half despised it; but never had she been disgusted, afraid of
it, never loathed the thought of going back to it before. And she could
not talk to anybody about this; they were all very kind, ready to be
sorry for her, to do anything they could for her, but she could not bear
their sympathy to-night.
All at once, in the silence which was so full of the whisper of the
leaves and the sighs of the wind, that she had not heard any footstep,
there came a voice close to her elbow which made Lottie start.
“Is it really you, Miss Despard? I had almost given up hopes;--and
alone! I thought you were never to be alone again?” said Rollo, with
pleasure in his voice.
How it startled her! She looked round upon him with so much fright in
her eyes that he was half vexed, half angered. Was it possible that
Lottie after all was just like the rest, pretending to be astonished by
his appearance when she knew as well----
“You surely are not surprised to see me?” he said, with a short laugh.
“I did not think of seeing you,” she said quietly, and looked away from
him again.
Rollo was angry, yet he was touched by something in her tone; and there
must be something to cause this sudden change. She had always been so
frank and simple in her welcome of him, always with a light of pleasure
on her face when he came in sight; but she would not so much as let him
see her face now. She looked round with that first start, then turned
again and resumed her dreamy gaze into the night. And there was
dejection in every line of her figure as she stood dimly outlined
against the waning light. Suddenly there came into Rollo’s mind a
recollection that he had heard something to account for this, without
accusing her of petty pretence or affectation.
“Something has happened,” he said, with a sense of relief which
surprised himself. “I remember now. I fear you are not happy about it.”
“No,” she said, with a sigh. Then Lottie made a little effort to recover
herself; perhaps he would not care about her troubles. “It has been a
great shock,” she said, “but perhaps it may not be so bad after a
while.”
“Tell me,” said Rollo; “you know how much interest I take in everything
that concerns you. Surely, Miss Despard, after this long time that we
have been seeing each other, you know that? Won’t you tell me? I cannot
bear to see you so sad, so unlike yourself.”
“Perhaps that is the best thing that could happen,” said Lottie, “that
I should be unlike myself. I wish I could be like someone with more
sense; I have been so foolish! Everybody knows that we are poor; I never
concealed it, but I never thought---- Oh! how silly we have been, Law
and I! I used to scold him, but I never saw that I was just the same
myself. We ought to have learned to do something, if it were only a
trade. We are both young and strong, but we are good for nothing, not
able to do anything. I used to scold him: but I never thought that I was
just as bad myself.”
“Don’t say so, don’t say so! You were quite right to scold him; men
ought to work. But you” cried Rollo with real agitation, “it is not to
be thought of. You! don’t speak of such a thing. What is the world
coming to, when you talk of working, while such a fellow as I----”
“Ah! that is quite different,” said Lottie. “You are rich, or, at least,
you are the same as if you were rich; but we are really poor, we have no
money: and everything we have, it is papa’s. I suppose he has a right to
do whatever he likes with it; it seems strange, but I suppose he has a
right. And, then, what is to become of us? How could I be so silly as
not to think of that before? It is all my own fault; don’t think I am
finding fault with papa, Mr. Ridsdale. I suppose he has a right, and I
don’t want to grumble; it only--seems natural--to tell you.” Lottie did
not know what an admission she was making. She sighed again into that
soft distant horizon, then turned to him with a smile trembling about
her lips. It was a relief to tell him--she could speak to him as she
could not speak to Captain Temple or Mrs. O’Shaughnessy, though she had
known them so much longer. “Perhaps I am only out of temper,” she said.
She could not but feel more light of heart standing beside him with
nobody near; they seemed to belong to each other so.
“How good, how sweet of you to say so,” he cried. “Then treat me as if
it were natural; come and sit down--nobody will interrupt us--and tell
me everything I want to know.”
They had met together in Lottie’s little drawing-room before, in the eye
of day, and three or four times under Lady Caroline’s eye; but never
before like this, in the twilight, all alone in the world, as it were,
two of them, and no more. Lottie hesitated for a moment; but what could
be wrong in it? There was nobody to disturb them, and her heart was so
full; and to talk to him was so pleasant. She seemed able to say more to
him than to any other. He understood her at half a word, whereas to the
others she had to say everything, to say even more than she meant before
they saw what she meant. She sat down, accordingly, in the corner of
the seat, and told him all that had happened; herself beginning to see
some humour in it as she told the story, half laughing one moment, half
crying the next. And Rollo went into it with all his heart. All their
meetings had produced their natural effect; for the last fortnight he
had felt that he ought to go away, but he had not gone away. He could
not deprive himself of her, of their intercourse, which was nothing yet
implied so much, those broken conversations, and the language of looks,
that said so much more than words. Never, perhaps, had his intercourse
with any girl been so simple, yet so unrestrained. If the old Captain
sometimes looked at him with suspicion, he was the only one who did so;
and Lottie had neither suspicion nor doubt of him, nor had any question
as to his “intentions” arisen in her mind. She told him her grief now,
not dully, with the heavy depression that cannot be moved, but with
gleams of courage, of resolution, even of fun, unable to resist the
temptation of Polly’s absurdity, seeing it now as she had not been able
to see it before. “I never knew before,” she said fervently, “what a
comfort it was to talk things over--but, then, whom could I talk them
over with? Law, who thinks it best not to think, never to mind--but
sometimes one is obliged to mind: or Mrs. O’Shaughnessy, whom I cannot
say everything to---- or;--Mr. Ridsdale!” said Lottie, in alarm--“pray,
pray forgive me if I have bored you. I have been pouring out everything
to you. I never thought--I did not intend----”
“Don’t tell me that,” he said. “I hoped you did intend to confide in me,
to trust to my sympathy. Who can be so much interested? to whom can it
be so important----?” He leaned forward closer to her, and Lottie
instinctively drew away from him a hairs-breadth; but she thought that
quite natural too, as natural as that she should be able to speak to him
better than to anyone else. They had both made the whole avowal of their
hearts in saying these words; but it had not been done in words which
frightened either or changed their position towards each other.
Meanwhile she was content enough, quieted by the sense of leaning her
trouble upon him, while he was gradually growing into agitation. Lottie
had got all her emergency required--his sympathy, his support, the
understanding that was so dear to her. After all her trouble she had a
moment of ease; her heart was no longer sore, but soothed with the balm
of his tender pity and indignation.
But that which calmed Lottie threw Rollo into ever-increasing agitation.
A man who has said so much as that to a girl, especially to one who is
in difficulty and trouble, is bound even to himself to say more. The
crisis began for him where for her it momentarily ended. To love her
and as good as tell her so, to receive, thus ingenuously given, that
confession of instinctive reliance upon him which was as good as a
betrayal of her love; and to let her go and say nothing more--could a
man do that and yet be a man? Rollo was not a man who had done right all
the days of his life. He had been in very strange company, and had gone
through many an adventure; but he was a man whom vice had never done
more than touch. Even among people of bad morals he had not known how to
abandon the instincts of honour; and in such an emergency what was he to
do? Words came thronging to his lips, but his mind was distracted with
his own helplessness. What had he to offer? how could he marry? he asked
himself with a kind of despair. Yet something must be thought of,
something suggested. “Lottie,” he said after that strange
pause--“Lottie--I cannot call you Miss Despard any more, as if I were a
stranger. Lottie, you know very well that I love you. I am as poor as
you are, but I cannot bear this. You must trust to me for
everything--you must--Lottie, you are not afraid to trust yourself to
me--you don’t doubt me?” he cried. His mind was driven wildly from one
side to another. Marry! how could he marry in his circumstances? Was it
possible that there was anything else that would answer the purpose, any
compromise? His heart beat wildly with love and ardour and shame. What
would she say? Would she understand him, though he could not understand
himself?
“Mr. Ridsdale!” cried Lottie, shrinking back from him a little. She
covered her face with her hands and began to cry, being overcome with so
many emotions, one heaped on another. At another moment she would not
have been surprised; she would have been able to lift her eyes to the
glow of the full happiness which, in half-light, had been for weeks past
the illumination of her life. But for the moment it dazzled her. She put
up her hands between her and that ecstasy of light.
As for Rollo, very different were the thoughts in his mind. He thought
Lottie as wise as himself: he thought she had investigated his words;
had not found in them the one that is surety for all, and shrank from
him. Shame overwhelmed him: the agony of a mind which was really honest
and a heart which was full of tenderness, yet found themselves on the
verge of dishonour. “Lottie!” he cried with anguish in his voice, “you
do not understand me--you will not listen to me. Do not shrink as if I
meant any harm.”
Then she uncovered her face, and he saw dimly through the twilight a
countenance all trembling with emotion and happiness and astonishment.
“Harm!” she said, with wonder in her voice--“harm!” His heart seemed to
stand still, and all his confused thinkings broken off in the
unspeakable contrast between the simplicity of her innocence thinking no
evil, and the mere knowledge in his mind which, if nothing more, made
guilt possible. Such a contrast shamed and horrified, and filled with an
adoration of penitence, the man who might have drawn her into evil,
ambiguously, had it been possible. He found himself with one knee on the
cold gravel, before he knew, pressing his suit upon her with passion.
“Lottie, you must marry me, you must be my wife, you must let me be the
one to work, to take care of you, to protect you from all trouble,” he
cried. But what did Lottie want with those more definite words which he
had thought she missed and waited for? Had she not known his secret long
ago before he ever spoke a word to her? Had she not been led delicately,
tenderly, step by step, through infinite dreams and visions, towards
this climax? She cried with happiness and trouble, and the sense of
deliverance.
“Oh, why should you kneel to me?” she said. “Do you think it needs
_that_?” While he, more happy than ever he had been in his life,
alarmed, disturbed, shaken out of all his habits and traditions, held
her fast, like a new-found treasure, and lavished every tender word upon
her that language could supply. He owed her a million apologies, of not
one of which Lottie was conscious. How could it have been possible for
her to suppose that even for a second, in his inmost thoughts, he had
been less than reverent of her? And he--had he meant any harm! He did
not think he had meant any harm; yet how, in the name of heaven, was he
to marry--how was he to marry--in his present circumstances? While he
was pouring out upon Lottie his love and worship, telling her how she
had gathered to herself day by day all his thoughts and wishes, this
question rose up again in his heart.
“I know,” said Lottie, very low--her voice still trembling with the
first ecstasy of feeling. It was like the dove’s voice, all tenderness
and pathos, coming out of her very heart. “I guessed it long--oh, long
ago----”
“How did you do that? Whisper, darling--tell me--when did you first
think----?”
Is not this the A B C of lovers? and yet her tone implied a little more
than the happy divining of the easy secret. She laughed softly--a
variety of music in his ear--the two faces were so close.
“You did not think I knew anything about it. I saw you--looking up at my
window--the very night of the wedding. Do you remember?” Again Lottie’s
low happy laugh broke into the middle of her words. “I could not think
what it meant. And then another time before I knew you--and then----
You did not suppose I saw you. I could not believe it,” she said, with a
soft sigh of content. Laugh or sigh, what did it matter, they meant the
same: the delight of a discovery which was no discovery--the happy right
of confessing a consciousness which she dared not have betrayed an hour
ago--of being able to speak of it all: the two together, alone in all
the world, wanting nothing and no one. This was what Lottie meant. But
her disclosures struck her lover dumb. What would she say if she knew
his real object then? A prima donna who was to make his fortune--a new
voice to be produced in an opera! He shuddered as he drew her closer to
him, with terror--with compunction, though he had meant no harm. And he
loved her now if he did not love her then; with all his heart now--all
the more tenderly, he thought, that she had mistaken him, that she had
been so innocently deceived.
By this time it had got dark, though they did not observe it; yet not
quite dark, for it is rarely dark out of doors under the free skies, as
it is within four walls. It was Lottie who suddenly awoke to this fact
with a start.
“It must be late--I must go home,” she said. And when she looked about
among the ghostly trees which waved and bent overhead, sombre and
colourless in the dark--she thought, with a thrill of horror, that
hours must have passed since she came here. Rollo too was slightly
alarmed. They were neither of them in a condition to measure time; and
though so much had happened, it had flown like a moment. They came out
from among the trees in the happy gloom, arm-in-arm. Nobody could
recognise them, so dark as it was--and indeed nobody was in the way to
recognise them--and the Abbey clock struck as they emerged upon the
Dean’s Walk, reassuring them. Rollo was still in time for dinner, though
Lottie might be too late for tea; and the relief of discovering that it
was not so late as they thought gave them an excuse for lingering. He
walked to the Lodges with her, and then she turned back with him; and
finally they strayed round the Abbey in the darkness, hidden by it, yet
not so entirely hidden as they thought. Only one little jar came to the
perfect blessedness of this progress homeward.
“Shall you tell them?” Lottie whispered, just before she took leave of
her lover, with a movement of her hand towards the Deanery.
This gave Rollo a _serrement de cœur_. He replied hastily, “Not
to-night,” with something like a shiver, and then he added, “Where shall
I see you to-morrow?”
This question struck Lottie with the same shock and jar of feeling.
Would not he come and claim her to-morrow? This was what she had
thought. She did not know what to reply, and a sudden sensation of
undefined trouble--of evil not yet so entirely over as she hoped--came
into her mind; but he added, before she could speak--
“In the old place--that blessed corner which I love better than any
other in the world. Will you come while everybody is at the Abbey,
Lottie? for we must talk over everything.”
This melted the little momentary vexation away, and she promised. And
thus they parted perforce--opposite Captain Despard’s door. How glad
Lottie was that the door was open! It stood open all through the summer,
and the habits of the summer were scarcely over. By the light in the
dining-room downstairs and the sound of the voices she divined that tea
was not yet over. But she was not able to encounter Mrs. Despard
to-night. She did not want to see anyone. Her heart was still so full of
delicious tumult, her eyes of sweet tears. She had gone out so
sorrowful, so indignant, not knowing what was to become of her. And now
she knew what was to become of her--the most beautiful, happy fate. He
had said he was poor. What did it matter if he was poor? Was she not
used to that? Lottie knew, and said to herself with secret joy, that she
was the right wife for a poor man. He might have got the noblest of
brides, and she would not have been so fit for him; but _she_ was fit
for that post if ever a young woman was. She would take care of the
little he had, which one might be sure he would never do himself--he was
too generous, too kind for that; Lottie loved him for his prodigality,
even while she determined to control it. She would take care of him and
do everything for him, as no woman used to wealth could do. And she
would spur him on so that he should do great things--things which he had
not done heretofore, only because he had not stimulus enough. He should
have stimulus enough now, with a wife who would exult in all he did, and
support him with sympathy and help. It was not any passive position that
she mapped out for herself. She knew what it meant to be poor, far
better than Rollo did. And she did not mind it. Why should she mind it?
She had been used to it all her life. She would not care what she did.
But he should never have to blush for his wife as a drudge. She would
never forget her position, and his position, which was so much greater
than hers. This was the first time that Lottie thought of his position.
She did so now with a heightening of colour, and louder throb of her
heart. By this time she was sitting in her own room without even a
candle, glad of the seclusion and of the darkness in which she could
think, unbetrayed even to herself. Her heart gave a bound, and a flush
came to her cheek. There could be no doubt now about her position. No
one could dream, no one could think that Rollo’s wife was ever to be
looked down upon. This gave her a distinct thrill of pleasure; and then
she passed it by, to return to a dearer subject--Himself! how anxious he
had been! as if it were possible she could have resisted his love. He
had wooed her, she thought, as if she had been a princess--doubling
Lottie’s happiness by doing in this respect the thing she felt to be
most right and fit, though, oh! so unnecessary in respect to herself!
Could he really have any doubt how it would turn out? The thought of
this humility in her hero brought tears of love and happiness to
Lottie’s eyes. Was she the same girl who had sat here in gloom and
darkness only last night, wondering what was to become of her? But how
was she to know how soon fate would unfold like a flower, and show her
what was in store for her? How happy she was--how good, how thankful to
God--how charitable to others! She could have gone downstairs and said
something kind even to Polly, had it not been for fear of betraying
herself. Everything that was tender and sweet blossomed out in her
heart. She was so happy. Is not that the moment in which the heart is
most pure, most kind, most humble and tender? God’s hand seemed to be
touching her, blessing her--and she in her turn was ready to bless all
the world.
CHAPTER XXXI.
WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THOUGHT.
The appearance of the new Mrs. Despard in the Abbey made a very great
impression. The brilliancy of her blue silk and the bushiness of her
orange-blossoms were calculated to strike awe into all beholders. There
was scarcely a lady within the Precincts who did not feel herself
personally insulted by the appearance of the milliner girl flaunting in
her bridal finery and taking her place by right among them. As for the
wives of the Chevaliers, their indignation was too great for words.
Mingled curiosity and enmity had brought them out in larger numbers than
usual, to see the creature, if she was so lost to every feeling of shame
as to show herself; and it is scarcely necessary to say that Polly was
in that particular entirely lost to every feeling of shame. She came in
with her Captain, clinging to his arm, and whispering to him, even in
the sacred quiet of the Abbey, and as the pair were late, and almost the
entire congregation had assembled, nothing was wanting to the full
enjoyment of her triumph. Polly felt, when she raised her head, after
that momentary homage to the sacred place which even in her state of
excitement she felt bound to make, that one object of her life was
attained, that everybody was staring at her, and that in her blue silk
she was more the centre of regard than the Dean himself under his
canopy, or the Minor Canon just about to begin the service, who
perceptibly paused, in acknowledgment of the little rustle and commotion
which accompanied her entrance. The feelings of the ladies among whom
this intruder pushed her way may be imagined. It was all that Mrs.
O’Shaughnessy could do, she said afterwards, to refrain from throwing
her hymn-book at the head of the jaunty Captain, as he handed his bride
into her place, before taking his own among his brother Chevaliers. The
ladies in the Abbey were divided from their partners, being placed in a
lower row, and to see the Captain pass on to his stall with a swing of
elation in his step after handing his bride to her seat, was enough to
make any veteran blaspheme. Why should a man be so proud of himself
because he has got a new wife? The imbecile glow of vanity and
self-congratulation which in such circumstances comes over the
countenance, nay, the entire person, even of the wisest, conveys
exasperation to every looker-on. The sentiment of indignation, however,
against Captain Despard was mingled with pity; but scarcely even
contempt sufficed to soften the feeling with which Polly in her blue
silk was universally regarded. Polly was an intruder, an aggressor. The
very way in which she tossed her head upwards with its bristling crown
of artificial flowers was an offence. The ladies might have their little
differences now and then, and it was an undoubted fact that Mrs.
Dalrymple, for instance, who was very well connected, had never been
able to endure Mrs. O’Shaughnessy, who had no connections at all; but
now they all clung together as with one impulse. They crowded upon each
other in the seat, so as to leave a clear space between them and Polly,
who, unabashed, took full advantage of it, and spread out her flounces,
her blue silken skirts around her, with a rustle of defiance. Mrs.
Temple was the one who was left next to Mrs. Despard. This lady, who
took no notice at first, soon roused up, and putting on her spectacles,
looked very seriously at the intruder. Polly faced round upon her, with
dauntless readiness, but Mrs. Temple’s look was so serious, that even
Polly felt somewhat discomfited. She felt this new observer’s eyes upon
her all the time. “Who was that old woman who stared at me so?” she
asked, scarcely taking the trouble to whisper, as her husband led her
round the nave while the voluntary was being played. “That! that’s the
wife of an old idiot who gives himself no end of airs,” said the
Captain. “I thought as much,” said Polly, tossing her head, “but she’ll
find I can stare just as well as she can. Two can play at that game.”
She spoke so loudly that some of the people near said, “Hush-sh!” The
Signor was just then playing a very delicate cadenza in the minor key.
Mrs. Temple took her old husband’s arm without a word, and went straight
home. He had not himself been at the service, but met her at the door;
where he too saw the bride in her blue silk. The old Captain did nothing
but shake his head. He could not trust himself to speak. “What are
things coming to?” he said at last, as they got within their own door.
“When that young fellow was made a Chevalier, I said nothing could come
of it but mischief to the community.” Captain Despard, being only fifty,
was a young fellow to this veteran. “Never mind the community,” said
Mrs. Temple, which was a bold thing to say. It was getting late in the
October afternoon, and within the little sitting-rooms of the Lodges it
seemed dark, coming in even from the grey afternoon skies outside. Mrs.
Temple rang for the lamp before she went upstairs to take off her
bonnet. She was very full of thought, and sighed as she went. Her own
girl, for whom she would so gladly have died, was gone, leaving father
and mother desolate--and here was another poor girl who lived, but had
no one to care for her. Strange are the decrees of Providence. Mrs.
Temple sighed as she came downstairs again to where her old Captain sat
gazing at the lamp with a sorrowful face. “Yes, my dear,” he said as she
came in, “you were right to say never mind the community. After all, I
suppose there is no community in the world that has not its black sheep.
Nobody will be so foolish as to confound _us_ with such a fellow; but
when I think of that poor girl----”
“That is what I have been thinking of,” said Mrs. Temple; “but perhaps,”
she added, still unwilling to betray her interest in Lottie, that
interest which was half opposition, “perhaps she may not feel it so much
as we suppose.”
“Feel it! I have not liked to say very much about her, my dear. She
reminds me so of our own----and I know you could not bear to talk of
that,” said the good Captain, innocent of the fact that he had talked of
little else for months past. “But if you only knew her better! There is
something in her walk--in the turn of her head--that so reminds me--but
I never liked to say much about it. You must not think she does not feel
it. I met her and was talking with her just before I came for you. But
for leaving you alone I should have taken her for a walk; it would have
done her good. I believe she rushed off to the Slopes after all.”
“I do not think she would get much good on the Slopes,” said Mrs.
Temple, thinking of the little wind of gossip about Mr. Rollo Ridsdale
which had begun to breathe about the Lodges.
“She would get fresh air--and quiet; she likes that; she is a very
thoughtful girl, my dear--very serious, just like our own poor----. You
must forgive me if I am always seeing resemblances. Lottie is very fond
of the twilight. I have gone with her so often I know her tastes. Many a
time I have done the same with----. When I feel her little arm in mine,
I could almost think sometimes that other days have come back.”
The shadow of Mrs. Temple’s cap quivered on the wall. The thought of the
little arm in his, the other days, which this simple touch brought back,
was not sweet but terrible to her. A film floated before her eyes, and
something choking and intolerable rose in her throat. “I do not
suppose,” she said hastily, “that a girl brought up like that can mind
as one thinks.”
The Captain shook his head. “I wish you knew her better,” he said, with
that soft answer which turns away irritation. The servant-maid came in
with the tray at this moment, and Mrs. Temple began to pour out the tea.
She was a little tired, having had many things to do that day, and it
occurred to her suddenly that to lean back in her easy-chair as the
Captain was doing, and to have her cup of tea brought to her, would be
sweet. To have some one to wait upon her tenderly and read her wishes in
her eyes, and divine her thoughts before they came to her lips, that
would be sweet. But could anyone do that except a child, could anything
but love do it, and that sacred influence which is in the blood, the
same blood running in the different veins of parent and child? These
thoughts went through her mind without anybody being the wiser. She gave
her husband his tea, and sat down in her turn to rest a little. There
was nothing said in the still little room. The two together, did not
they know all each other’s thoughts and wishes and recollections? They
were old, and what could happen to them except the going out to the
Abbey, the coming in to tea? But if there had been three instead of
two--and one young, with all a dawning world before her feet--everything
would have borne a very different aspect. Ah! Mrs. Temple moved quickly,
as she had the habit of doing when that recollection, always present to
her mind, struck suddenly like a new blow. And here was a creature,
helpless, forlorn, without a mother to fly to. The mother who had no
child stood doubtful between earth and heaven, asking, speechless, what
she was to do: pass by on the other side as if there was no mother in
her? or pardon God for taking her child, and hold out her hand to His?
She did not know what to do. Things were not easy for her as for her
husband. It was cruel of this girl even to live, to pass by a poor
woman’s windows who had lost her child; yet what was the woman to do
when this creature who was living, who was an offence to her, was in
trouble? Let her sink and never hold out a hand? But what then would the
other girl in heaven think of her mother? Mrs. Temple was torn by this
conflict of which she gave no sign, while perhaps the old Captain in his
kind and simple heart, yearning over the young creature who was so
helpless and desolate, was unjust to his wife and thought her less than
kind.
And it was not only in Captain Temple’s house that Polly’s appearance
was the cause of excitement. The Signor put his hand upon the arm of his
young assistant as they went out together by the north door. “Did you
see them?” he said, with meaning. Young Purcell was pale with
excitement. He had done nothing but watch Polly promenading through the
nave on her husband’s arm, and the very fact of Lottie’s superiority to
himself made him feel with more horror the impossibility of any harmony
between her and Polly, whom he considered so much inferior to himself.
He had watched her from the organ-loft, while the Signor played the
voluntary, with feelings indescribable; and so did his mother, who was
also in the Abbey, and who gaped at the fine young woman with a mixture
of consternation and admiration, by no means sure of her inferiority,
yet feeling that a crisis had arrived, and that whatever Miss Despard
might have said before, she could not but be glad now of any offer of an
’ome. Mrs. Purcell did not stay for the voluntary, but went home quickly
to see after “her dinner,” very full of thought, and tremulous with
expectation. The young lady was proud, she would not have anything to
say to John before--but now, no doubt she would send for him and all
would be settled. The housekeeper knew that a young stepmother was a
strong argument against the peace of a girl who had been used to have
everything her own way, and she felt with a tremor of her heart, half
pride, half pain, that now at last she would have to resign her boy, and
see him pass from beyond her ken into those regions of gentility with
which the Signor’s housekeeper had nothing to do. Very likely John, or
John’s wife who was “such a lady,” would want her to leave her
comfortable situation. Mrs. Purcell did not like the idea of it, but
still, if it would help to make her boy happy--perhaps even it might
remove a stumbling-block out of John’s way if she were to take it into
her own hands, and give up her situation. The thought made her heart
heavy, for she liked her place, and the Signor, and her comfortable
rooms, and the power of laying by a little money. But John was the first
person to be considered. What could a young lady object to in his
position? _he_ was all that a gentleman could wish to be; but a mother
who was in service might no doubt be an objection. Mrs. Purcell made up
her mind hurriedly, that if it proved needful she would not wait to be
asked, but would herself take the initiative and make the sacrifice; but
she did so with a heavy heart. To give up not only her boy, who, when he
was married, would not, she knew, be much more to his mother, but her
occupation likewise, and her chief comforts, and her master who was, in
a way, like another son to her, a foster-son, much greater and richer
than she, but still dependent on her for his comfort--it was hard--but
still she could do it for her John’s sake. Meanwhile her John, feeling
the Signor’s hand heavy with meaning on his arm, answered with tremulous
excitement, “Yes---- I saw it. It is terrible, terrible! a desecration.
To think she should have to put up with _that_ even for a day!”
“I wonder what will be the issue,” said the Signor, meditatively. “Her
heart is not in her work now. If she becomes an artist, it will be
against her will--Art is not what she is thinking of. I wonder what will
come of it. Will she feel the hollowness of this world and throw herself
into her profession, or will she----”
“Master,” said the young musician, fervently, “sooner or later she will
turn to me. It is not possible that a man could love a young lady as I
do, and have an ’ome to offer her, as I have----”
Purcell was educated--he did not forget his h’s in general; but how many
people are there who, beguiled by that familiar phrase, forget all
precautions, and plunge recklessly into the pitfall of an ’ome!
“You think so?” said the Signor. He did not himself put any confidence
in this result, and was even surprised, after his recent experience,
that the young man should be sanguine; but still, after all, who ought
to have such true intuitions as the hero himself? and there is no
telling what perseverance mingled with enthusiasm may do. The Signor was
not satisfied with his pupil. She would not devote herself to her work
as he wished. She had no abstract devotion to art, as art. The Signor
felt, musing over it, that it was possible she might take to it more
warmly if by any chance she became Purcell’s wife. John was a very good
fellow, and when he was disappointed, the Signor was very angry with
Lottie; but, still, he thought it probable that Lottie, if she married
him, would not find much to satisfy her in Purcell, and, therefore,
would be driven to art. And of all results that could be attained, was
not this the best? In the meantime, however, he was very doubtful
whether by this means it ever would be attained.
“Yes, master,” said the young man; “how can I help thinking so? I can
give her, if not very much, at least independence and the comforts of an
’ome. She would not be dragged down by anything about me. My mother’s
position may be doubtful,” he said, with passing embarrassment; “but you
have been so good, you have never made her like a common servant, and at
Sturminster nobody need ever know.”
“Your mother has been very good, and done a great deal for you; you must
never let anyone ignore your mother.”
“Certainly not,” said the young man. “She _is_ my mother; that ought to
be enough for anybody. And I shall have her come to see me the same as
if she were a duchess; but, still, there is no need of publishing to
everybody what she is when she is at home.”
“That is true, that is true,” said the Signor. “Then you really think
there is a chance that this is how it will end?”
“Master,” said Purcell, pausing at the door before they entered. It was
one of the Italian traditions which had lingered in the Signor’s
habitual bearing, to stand still now and then as he was walking, by way
of giving emphasis to a sentence. They paused now, looking at each other
before they went in, and the colour came to the young fellow’s face.
“Master,” he said, “it may look self-sufficient--but how can it end
otherwise? There is no one else who will offer her what I can offer
her; and it would be like saying she had no sense, which is very far
from the case, to think she would stand out for ever. She is a lady, she
is above me in birth; but, thanks to you, I know how to behave like a
gentleman; and surely, sooner or later, this is how it must end.”
“Amen, with all my heart,” said the Signor, turning in at the door,
which old Pick held open behind, waiting, as one who knew his master’s
way.
It was Mr. Ashford who had intoned the service that afternoon, and his
attention had been so caught by Polly’s entrance that he had made a kind
of stumble in the beginning--a pause which was perceptible. After that,
during the singing of the anthem and at other moments when his attention
was free, he had looked down upon that gorgeous apparition from his high
desk with a look of compassion on his face. The compassion, it is
needless to say, was not for Polly, who wanted none of it. He watched
her behind his book, or behind the hand which supported his head, with
the most curious alarmed attention. And when he passed her with her
husband going out, Mr. Ashford looked at her in a way which Polly
thought to be flattering. “That’s one as takes an interest in us,” she
said. “It’s Ashford, the Minor Canon. It must be you he takes an
interest in,” whispered the Captain, and Polly laughed and tossed her
head. Mr. Ashford went home with the same strange look on his face,
softened, and touched, and pitiful. “Poor thing,” he said to himself,
“poor girl!” and when he got in he sat for a long time in the centre
window, in the dark, looking out, and trying to think out some way of
help. What could he do for her? Poor thing! with all her better
instincts and higher feelings, with her impulse of taking care of
everybody and keeping her father and brother right, what would become of
her now? Mr. Ashford asked himself, with many an anxious thought, what
could be done? A man could do nothing--where it was a girl that was in
the case a man was more helpless than a baby. He could do nothing to
help her; he could not even show his sympathy without probably doing
more harm than good to the sufferer. He sat in the window-seat, gazing
out on the dusk and the dim horizon, as if they could help him in his
musings. If he had only had a mother or sister--any woman to whom he
could have appealed, he thought he must have done so on behalf of this
girl. But he had neither sister nor mother. He was a man very much alone
in the world. He had a brother, a poor clergyman, with a large family,
and a wife, who would not understand in the least why Ernest should
interest himself in a stranger--_a girl_. If he wanted some one to spend
his money upon, why not take one of the children? he thought he heard
her say; and certainly she would not understand, much less respond to,
any appeal he could make to _her_. What could he do? If any other
suggestion swept across Mr. Ashford’s face in the dark or through his
heart, nobody was there to see or divine it. He sat thus without ringing
for his lamp till it was quite late, and was much discomposed to be
found sitting in the dark when a messenger arrived with a note from the
Deanery about the extra service for the next saint’s-day. He was annoyed
to be found so, being conscious, perhaps, of reasons for the vigil which
he would not have cared to enter upon; for he was shy and sensitive, and
it had often happened to him to be laughed at, because of his undue
anxiety about others. “What is it to you?” had been often said to him,
and never with more occasion than now. For, after all, what did it
matter to the Minor Canon what became of Lottie Despard? Whether she and
her stepmother should “get on” together, or if they should never “get
on,” but yet might manage to live under the same roof a cat-and-doggish
life--what was it to him? One way or other, it would not take sixpence
out of his pocket, or affect his comfort in any way. But yet he could
not get it out of his head. No one in the house had thought of coming to
his room to light his lamp, to see that all was in order for him. He was
not served with precision, as was the Signor, for he was fond of saving
his servants trouble and making excuses for them. And when the man came
from the Deanery and followed the maid into the study, where she went
groping, declaring that her master was not at home, the Minor Canon was
uncomfortable, finding himself thus taken by surprise. “You need not
wait for an answer. I will send one in the morning,” he said, when the
candles on the writing-table had been lit with a match, and he had read
the note. He felt that his confused and troubled thoughts might be read
in his eyes. But nobody had any clue to the subject of these thinkings;
and how could anyone suspect that it was a matter of such absolute
indifference to himself that was occupying his thoughts--a thing with
which he had nothing in the world to do?
CHAPTER XXXII.
WHAT ROLLO HAD TO MARRY ON.
The moment after a man has made a proposal of marriage, and has been
accepted, is not always a moment of unmitigated blessedness. There are
ups and downs in the whole business from beginning to end. Sometimes the
man has the best of it, and sometimes the woman. When either side has
betrayed itself without a response on the other, when the man seems to
waver in his privilege of choice, when the woman hesitates in her
crowning prerogative of acceptance or rejection, then there are
intervals on either side which are not enviable; but when all these
preliminaries are over, and the explanation has been made, and the two
understand each other--then the lady’s position is, for the first few
days at least, the most agreeable. She has no parents to interview, no
pecuniary investigations to submit to, nor has she to enter upon the
question of ways and means, settlements and income for the future. But
when a man who knows he has nothing to marry upon is beguiled by
circumstances, by a sudden emergency, or by strain of feeling into the
momentous offer, and, after the first enthusiasm of acceptance, looks
himself in the face, as it were, and asks himself how it is to be done,
there is something terrible in the hours that follow. How was it to be
done? Rollo Ridsdale left Lottie at her door, and went across the road
towards the Deanery in a state of mind which was indescribable. He was
not an immaculate man, nor had he now spoken of love, for the first
time; but yet he was real in his love, and the response had been sweet
to him--sweet and terrible, as conveying every risk and danger that life
could bring, as well as every delight. He had lingered with his love
until the last available moment, and yet it was a relief to turn his
back upon her, to go away into the chaos of his own life and try to find
a way out of this maze in which he had involved himself. How was he to
marry? what was he to do? He felt giddy as he walked along, steadily
enough to outward seeming, but in his soul groping like a blind man. He
had asked Lottie Despard to marry him, and she had consented. He wanted
nothing better than her companionship, her love, the delight and comfort
of her to be his own; but, good heavens!--but, by Jove!--but, in the
name of everything worth swearing by--how was it to be done?--how was he
to marry? what was he to do? The happiness was delicious--it was a
taste of Paradise, a whiff of Elysium--but----. Rollo did not know where
he was going as he crossed the Dean’s Walk. He went--steadily enough,
his legs carrying him, his knowledge of the place guiding him
mechanically, but his whole soul in a maze of thought. How was he to do
it? How could he, a man with nothing, not much better than an
adventurer, living upon chances and windfalls--how could he weight
himself with the support of another--marry a wife? It was preposterous,
it was terrible--yet it was sweet. Poor child, she was in want of his
arm to shelter her, in want of some one to take care of her, and he
could not tolerate the idea that anyone but himself should give her the
succour she needed; but how was he to do it? The question seemed to get
into the air and whisper round him--how was he to do it? He had nothing,
or what to such a man was nothing, and worse than nothing. He managed to
live no one could tell how. True, in living he did not know how Rollo
managed to spend a good deal of money--more than many a family is reared
upon; but there is proportion in everything, and he never could tell
from one year’s end to another how he had got through. And he had asked
a girl to marry him! He groaned within himself when he came back to this
centre thought, this pivot of all his reflections, though it was sweet.
He had asked her to marry him; he had pledged himself to take her away
out of her troubles, to throw open a refuge to her, to make her escape
practicable: speedily, certainly, easily, so far as she knew--and how
was he to do it? If the question went through his mind once, it flew and
circled in wavering rounds about him, like a moth or a bat in summer, a
hundred times at least as he went from the Chevalier’s lodge to the
Deanery door. He had no time for thinking, since the hour of dinner
approached, and the Dean waited for no one; but he thought and thought
all the same. What was he to do? He marry! how was he to do it? Yet it
must be done. He did nothing but ask himself this while he brushed his
hair and tied his evening tie. He had nothing, not a penny--he had a
valet and a dressing-case, with gold tops to all the bottles, and the
most expensive clothes from the dearest tailor--but he had nothing, and
everybody knew that he had nothing. The situation was appalling. A cold
dew came out on his forehead; he to do such a thing! but yet he had done
it--he had committed himself--and now the question that remained
was--not how to get out of it, which under any other circumstances would
have been his clear duty, but how to do it? This was the problem he
tried to solve while he was dressing, which flitted about his head while
he sat at dinner, between every mouthful of his soup, and fluttered all
through the dessert. How was he to do it? And when the evening was
over--when Lady Caroline had gone to bed, and the Dean to his study,
Rollo at length ventured out into the Deanery garden with his cigar, in
spite of the black looks of Mr. Jeremie, who wanted to shut up the house
and get to bed himself at a reasonable hour, as a dean’s butler has a
right to do.
It was cold--but he did not feel the cold--and the wind was still
strong, blowing the black branches wildly about the leaden sky. The
Dean’s garden was bounded by the Slopes, only a low and massive grey
wall, as old as the buttresses amid which the lawn was set, separating
it from the larger grounds, which were open to the community--and Rollo
leaning on that wall could almost see the spot where he had sat with
Lottie, when she had clasped her hands on his arm, leaning upon him with
delicious trust, and giving up all her future into his hands. Even then
what a difference there had been between them!--she throwing herself
upon him in utter faith and confidence, feeling herself delivered
completely and at once from all the troubles that overwhelmed her; while
he, even in the thrill of pleasure which that soft weight and pressure
gave him, felt his heart jump with such sudden alarm as words could not
describe. Now, when he thought it over, the alarm was more than the
pleasure. Lottie, retired into her little chamber, was at that hour
going over the whole scene with the tenderest happiness and
reliance--feeling safe with him, feeling free of all responsibility, not
even forecasting the future, safe and relieved from all the anxieties of
the past, caring for nothing but this moment, this exquisite climax of
life, this perfect union that had begun and was never to end. Very, very
different were Rollo’s thoughts. How was he to do it? Marry! the very
idea seemed impossible. It involved disclosure, and disclosure would be
madness. What would his relations say to him?--what would his friends
say to him? His tradesmen would send in their bills, his associates
would contemplate him with the very horror of astonishment. Ridsdale
married! as well cut his throat at once. Had he ever thought of the
little _ménage_ on which Lottie’s thoughts (had they been free to plan
anything) would have dwelt with simple pride and happiness, he would
have been disposed really to cut his throat. In such a case Lottie would
have been sure of her own powers--sure that if they were poor she could
make their money go twice as far as Rollo by himself could make it
go--and could much more than balance her share of the expenses by the
housewifely powers which it would have been her delight and her ambition
to exercise. But to Rollo love in a cottage was a simple folly, meaning
nothing. The very idea was so foreign to him that it never entered into
his mind at all. What did enter into his mind, as the only hope in the
blank of the future, was of a very different description. It was the
original idea which had first of all moved him towards this girl, who
gradually had awakened within him so many other sentiments: her voice.
Should he be able to produce this as he hoped, then there would be a way
of escape from the difficulty. The Manager had behaved like a fool, but
Rollo had not changed his opinion. Though he had fallen in love with the
singer, and his sentiments in regard to her had thus been modified, he
had never changed his opinion. She possessed a magnificent organ; and
though (which seemed to him very strange) Handel at present was her only
inspiration, yet he felt that with proper care that voice could do
anything, and that in it might yet lie all the elements of fortune.
Casting about around all his horizon for something like salvation, this
was the only light that Rollo perceived. It, perhaps, was not the most
desirable of lights. To marry a singer in full heyday of her powers,
admired by all the world, and making a great deal of money, was not a
thing that any younger son would hesitate to do; but an unknown singer,
with all her way to make, and her very education still so imperfect,
that was a very different matter; but still it was the only chance. In
former times, perhaps, a man would have thought it necessary to pretend
at least a desire to snatch his bride from the exposure of publicity,
from the stage, or even from the concert-room--a determination to work
for her rather than to let her work for him; but along with
circumstances sentiments change, and the desire of women for work is apt
to be supported from an undesirable side by those who once would have
thought their honour concerned in making women’s work unnecessary. In
civilisation there can be no advance without its attendant drawback. Mr.
Ridsdale had fallen in love, a thing no young man can entirely guard
against, and he had engaged to marry Lottie Despard, partly because he
was in love with her, partly because she was in want of protection and
succour. But he did not know in what way he could keep a wife; and short
of breaking his word and abandoning her altogether (things which at this
moment it seemed utterly impossible to do), what other way was open to
him than to consider how his wife could keep him? This was a great deal
more easy. He had nothing--no money, no profession--but she had a
profession, a something which was worth a great deal of money, which
only required cultivation to be as good as a fortune. Rollo’s heart
perceptibly lightened as he thought of this. It did not make the social
difficulties much easier, or soften the troubles which he must
inevitably have with his family; but still, whereas the other matter had
been impossible, this brought it within the range of things that could
be contemplated. He could not refrain from one sigh (in the undercurrent
of his mind--not dwelt upon or even acknowledged, a thing which he would
have been ashamed of had he admitted it to himself)--one sigh that the
idea of marriage had come in at all. She might have found in him all the
succour, all the companionship, all the support she wanted without
_that_; and it would have done her no harm in her after career. But that
was a secret thought--an inadvertence, a thing which he dared not permit
himself to think, as it were, in the daylight, in his own full
knowledge. He knew very well what a fool he would appear to
everybody--how the idea that he, Rollo, with all his experience, should
be thus taken in at last, would cause infinite surprise and laughter
among his friends--but still there came a gleam of possibility into the
matter when he thought of Lottie’s gift. By that means they might do it.
It was not quite out of the question, quite impossible. Rollo had been
so lost in thought that he had not seen Mr. Jeremie looking out from the
window through which he had gone into the garden; but as he arrived at
this, which was a kind of conclusion, if not a very satisfactory one, he
became at last aware of the respectable butler’s anxiety.
“Her ladyship, sir, don’t hold with leaving the windows open,” said Mr.
Jeremie, who did not hold with staying out of bed to attend upon a young
man’s vagaries. There had been nothing of this kind in Miss Augusta’s
time--not even when Mr. Daventry came courting. Rollo tossed the end of
his cigar over the wall and came in, somewhat relieved in his mind,
though the relief was not very great. It left all the immediate question
unsolved--what his family would say, and what was to be done in the
meantime--but it gave a feeble light of possibility in the future. He
had calculated on Lottie’s voice to make his fortune when he thought of
it only as a speculator. He had much more right to look upon her as
likely to make his fortune now.
In the morning the same thought was the first in Rollo’s mind; but the
faint light of hope it gave was surrounded by clouds that were full of
trouble. Supposing that in the course of time, when she was thoroughly
established in her profession, trained and started, she could manage to
attain that most necessary thing called an income, with which to meet
the world--this was a contingency which still lay in the future; whereas
it might be necessary to act at once. The very urgency and anxiety of
Rollo’s thoughts will show that he neither wanted to abandon Lottie nor
to allow her to guess that he was alarmed by his engagement to her. The
whole scope and object of his deliberations was to make the thing
possible. But for this why should he have troubled himself about it at
all? He might have “let things take their course”--he might have gone on
enjoying the delights of love-making, and all a lover’s privileges,
without going any further. Lottie was not the kind of girl who ever
would have hurried matters, or insisted upon the engagement being kept.
He knew well enough that she would never “pull him up.” But he was in
love with Lottie--he wanted to deliver her from her troubles--he wanted
to have her for his own--if he could only see how it was to be done.
Evidently there were various conditions which must be insisted on--which
Lottie must yield to. Public notice must not be called to the tie
between them more than was absolutely necessary. Everything must be
conducted carefully and privately--not to make any scandal--and not to
compel the attention of his noble family. Rollo did not want to be sent
for by his father, to be remonstrated with by his elder brother, to have
all his relatives preaching sermons to him. Even his aunt Caroline,
passive, easy-going soul--even she would be roused, he felt, to
violence, could she divine what was in the air. Marry Miss Despard! the
idea would drive her out of all the senses she possessed. Kind as she
was, and calm as she was, Rollo felt that in such circumstances she
would no longer be either kind or calm; and if even Lady Caroline were
driven to bay, what would be the effect of such a step on Lord
Courtland, who had no calm of nature with which to meet the revelation?
Therefore his heart was heavy as he went out, as soon as the bells had
ceased ringing for matins, to meet his love on the Slopes. His heart was
heavy, yet he was not a cool or indifferent lover. The thought of seeing
her again was sweet to him; but the cares were many, and he did not know
how to put into language which would not vex or hurt her the things that
must be said. He tried to wrap them up in honeyed words, but he was not
very successful; and at last he decided to leave it all to
Providence--to take no thought for what he was to say. “The words will
be put into my mouth at the right time,” he said to himself piously. He
could not exactly forecast what shape the conversation might take, or
how this special subject should be introduced. He would not settle what
he had to say, but would leave it to fate.
The morning sunshine lay as usual unbroken upon the Dean’s Walk. It had
been feeble and fitful in the morning, as sunshine has often begun to be
in October, but now had warmed into riper glory. The paths on the Slopes
were strewed with fallen leaves, which the winds of last night had blown
about in clouds. Rollo was first at the trysting-place; and when he saw
Lottie appear suddenly round the bole of the big elm-tree, she seemed to
be walking to him, her foot all light and noiseless, upon a path of
gold. Her steps seemed to have a fairy tinkle upon that yellow pavement.
The movement of her figure was like music, with a flowing liquid measure
in it. The little veil that dropped over her hat, the ribbons at her
neck, the soft sweep of her dark merino gown, commonest yet prettiest of
fabrics, all united in one soft line. There was nobody by, and it was
the first heavenly morning upon which they had belonged to each other.
She came to him as if out of paradise, out of heaven, all radiant with
happiness and celestial trust and love. A glow of tenderness and
gladness came over the young man. He forgot all about the difficulties,
about money, about his family, about how they were to live and what was
to be done. He went to meet her, ardent and eager, forgetting everything
but herself. It was the _vita nuova_ all over again--a new earth and new
skies. It seemed to both of them that they had never lived before, that
this was the birthday of a glorified existence. Even last night, in the
agitation of their happiness, had not been like this first new day. When
they stepped into each other’s sight, realising the mutual property, the
mutual right, the incomprehensible sweetness of belonging to each other,
everything else seemed to be swept out of the world. There was nothing
visible but themselves, the sweet sky, and genial air: the leaves
dropping softly, all crimson and golden, the sun shining on them with a
sympathetic surprise of pleasure. For the moment, even to the young man
of the world, everything was simple, primitive, and true, all
complication and conventionalities swept away; and if so to Rollo, how
much more to Lottie, thus advancing sweetly, with a soft measure in her
step, not hurried or eager, but in modest faith and innocence, into her
lover’s arms!
And, lo! in a moment all his calculations proved needless. Instead of
talking seriously to each other, making their mutual arrangements,
deciding what was to be done, as would have been far the wisest way of
employing the solitude of this sweet morning, which seemed to brighten
expressly for them--what did the two do but fall into an aimless
delicious whispering about their two happy selves, and nothing more!
They had things to say to each other which came by stress of nature, and
had to be said, yet were nothing--while the things of real importance
were thrust aside. They fell a-gossiping about themselves, about each
other, going over all the old ground, repeating the last evening’s
tender follies, about--when you first began to think--and when I first
knew--and what had been in the one heart and in the other, when both had
to talk of other things, and make no sign. What need to follow all the
course of that foolishness? There was nothing in earth or heaven so
deeply interesting to Lottie as to hear how Rollo was thinking of her
while he stood and talked to somebody else, watching her from far; and
how his heart would beat when he saw her coming, and how he blasphemed
old Captain Temple, yet blessed him next moment for bringing her here;
and what he had really meant when he said this and that, which had
perplexed her at the time; nor to Rollo than to know how she had watched
for him, and looked for his sympathy, and felt herself backed up and
supported the moment he appeared. There was not a day of the past month
but had its secret history, which each longed to disclose to the
other--and scarcely an hour, scarcely a scrap of conversation which did
not contain a world of unrevealed meaning to be unfolded and
interpreted. Talk of an hour! they had ample enough material for a
century without being exhausted; and as for arrangements, as for the (so
to speak) business of the matter, who thought of it? For Lottie was not
an intelligent young woman, intending to be married, but a happy girl in
love; and Rollo, though he knew better, was in love too, and wished for
nothing better than these delightful confidences. The hours went by like
a moment. They had already been aroused two or three times by the roll
of baby carriages propelled by nursemaids before the greater volume of
music from the Abbey proclaimed that service was over. “Already!” they
both cried, with wonder and dismay; and then, for the first time, there
was a pause.
“I had so much to talk to you about,” he said, “and we have not had time
to say a word, have we? Ah! when can we have a good long time to
ourselves? Can you escape your Captain to-night, my darling? I should
like to shake him by the hand, to thank him for taking care of you; but
couldn’t you escape from him, my Lottie, to-night?”
Lottie grew a little pale; her heart sank, not with distrust, but with
perhaps a little, a very little disappointment. Was this still how it
was to be? Just the same anxious diplomacies to secure a meeting, the
same risks and chances? This gave her a momentary chill. “It is very
difficult,” she said. “He is the only one I have to take care of me. He
would think it unkind.”
“You must not say now the only one, my Lottie--not the only one--my
substitute for a little while, who will soon have to give me up his
place.”
“But he will not like to give it up now; not till he knows; perhaps not
even then--for his daughter, you know----”
“Ah! it was she who married Dropmore. Lottie, my love, my darling, I
cannot live through the evening without you. Could you not come again,
at the same time as last night? It is early dark, heaven be praised.
Take your walk with him, and then give him the slip, and come here,
sweet, here to me. I shall be watching, counting the moments. It is bad
enough to be obliged to get through the day without you. Ah! it is the
Signor’s day. The Signor is all rapt up in his music. He will never
suspect anything. I shall be able to see you at least, to hear you, to
look at you, my lovely darling----”
After a moment said Lottie, “That was one thing I wanted to ask you
about. You know why the Signor gives me lessons. Will it be right _now_
to go on with him? _now_ that everything is changed? Should not I give
them up?”
“Give them up!” cried Rollo, with a look of dismay. “My darling, what
are you thinking of? They are more necessary, more important than ever.
Of course, we will pay for them after. Oh! no fear but he will be
repaid; but no, no, my love, my sweet, you must not give them up!”
She looked at him with something like anxiety in her eyes, not knowing
what he could mean. What was it? Lottie could not but feel a little
disappointed. It seemed that everything was to go on just the same as
before.
“I shall see you there,” he said. “So long as we are in the same place
everything is sweet; and I have always taken so much interest in your
dear voice that no one can suspect. And to-night you will come--promise
me, my darling--just after the service, when it is getting dark?”
“Yes,” she whispered, with a sigh--then started from his side. “I saw
some one among the trees. The old Chevaliers are coming up for their
morning walk. Let me go now--you must let me go--Mr. Ridsdale----”
“‘Mr. Ridsdale!’ How can I let my Lottie go before she has called me by
my right name?”
“Oh, I must not stay. I see people coming,” said Lottie, disappointed,
troubled, afraid of being seen, yet angry with herself for being afraid.
“Mr. Ridsdale--Rollo, dear Rollo--let me go now----”
“Till it is time for the Signor----” And he did let her go, with a hasty
withdrawal on his own part, for unmistakably there were people to be
seen moving about among the trees; not, indeed, coming near their
corner, yet within sight of them. Lottie left him hurriedly, not looking
back. She was ashamed, though she had no cause for shame. She ran down
the bank to the little path which led to the foot of the hill and to the
town. She could not go up and run the risk of being seen going home by
the Dean’s Walk. She drew her veil over her face, and her cheeks burned
with blushes; she was ashamed, though she had done no wrong. And Rollo
stood looking down after her, watching her with a still more acute pang.
There were things which were very painful to him which did not affect
her. That a girl like Lottie should go away alone, unattended, and walk
through the street, with no one with her, a long round, annoyed him
beyond measure. He ought to have gone with her, or some one ought to be
with her. But then, what could he do? He might as well give up the whole
matter at once as betray all he was meditating to his people in this
way. But he watched her, leaning over the low parapet, with trouble and
shame. The girl whom he loved ought not to go about unattended, and this
relic of chivalry, fallen into conventionality, moved him more than
greater things. He did not object, like Ferdinand, to let his Miranda
carry his load for him; but it did trouble him that she should walk
through St. Michael’s by herself, though in the sweet security of the
honest morning. Thus minds differ all over the world.
END OF VOL. II.
PRINTING OFFICE OF THE PUBLISHER.
COLLECTION
OF
BRITISH AUTHORS
TAUCHNITZ EDITION.
VOL. 1825
WITHIN THE PRECINCTS BY MRS. OLIPHANT.
IN THREE VOLUMES.
VOL. III.
WITHIN
THE PRECINCTS
BY
MRS. OLIPHANT,
AUTHOR OF “THE CHRONICLES OF CARLINGFORD,” ETC.
_COPYRIGHT EDITION._
IN THREE VOLUMES.
VOL. III.
LEIPZIG
BERNHARD TAUCHNITZ
1879.
_The Right of Translation is reserved._
CONTENTS
OF VOLUME III.
Page
CHAPTER XXXIII. Lottie’s Side of the Question 7
---- XXXIV. A Crisis 31
---- XXXV. Family Duty: according to Mrs. Despard 50
---- XXXVI. Family Duty: by a Finer Artist 73
---- XXXVII. Another Chance 91
---- XXXVIII. Lottie Resentful 111
---- XXXIX. Lottie Subdued 131
---- XL. The Effect of Good Fortune: Law 153
---- XLI. The Effect of Good Fortune: Rollo 167
---- XLII. “----till Friday” 190
---- XLIII. The End of the Dream 212
---- XLIV. Après? 235
---- XLV. Conclusion 252
WITHIN THE PRECINCTS.
CHAPTER XXXIII.
LOTTIE’S SIDE OF THE QUESTION.
Lottie made her way down the Slopes alone, with feelings which had
greatly changed from those of a few minutes ago. How happy she had been!
The hour that had passed under the falling leaves had been like
paradise; but the portals of exit from paradise are perhaps never so
sweet as those of entrance. Her coming away was with a sense of
humiliation and shame. As she wound her way down her favourite by-road
winding among the shrubs and trees, she could not help feeling that she
was making her escape, as if from some guilty meeting, some clandestine
rendezvous. In all her life Lottie had never known this sensation
before. She had been shy, and had shrunk from the gaze of people who had
stared at her, in admiration of her beauty or of her singing, but in her
shyness there had always been the pride of innocence; and never before
had she been afraid to meet any eye, or felt it necessary to steal
away, to keep out of sight as if she were guilty. She had not done
anything wrong, but yet she had all the feeling of having done something
wrong--the desire to escape, the horror of detection. To some the secret
meeting, the romance and mystery, would have been only an additional
happiness, but Lottie, proud and frank and open-hearted, could not bear
the very thought of doing anything of which she was ashamed. The
sensation hurt and humiliated her. All had been very different _before_:
to meet her lover unawares, yet not without intention, with a delightful
element of chance in each encounter--to look out secretly for him, yet
wonder innocently to find him--to let her steps be drawn here or there
by a sense of his presence, with a fond pretence of avoiding him, a
sweet certainty of meeting him--all these risks and hazards of emotion
had been natural. But Lottie felt with a sudden jar of her nerves and
mind that this ought not to continue so. She had felt a little wondering
disappointment on the previous night when he had asked her to meet him
again, without any suggestion that he should go to her, or make the new
bond between them known. Even then there had been a faint jar, a sigh of
unfulfilled expectation. But now their hurried parting, her own flight,
the little panic lest they should be seen, and discovery follow, made
Lottie’s heart sick. How well she could imagine how this ought to have
been! They ought not to have fled from each other, or been afraid of any
man’s eye. It ought not to have mattered whether the Signor or anyone
suspected. Blushing and shy, yet with full faith in the sympathy of all
who saw her, Lottie should have walked down the Dean’s Walk with her
betrothed: she should have avoided no one. She should have been
shamefaced but not ashamed. What a difference between the two! all the
difference that there is between the soft blush of happiness and the
miserable burning of guilt. And this was what ought to have been. Half
the misery of Lottie--as half the misery of all imaginative
inexperienced women--arose from the pain and disappointment of feeling
that those she loved did not come up to the ideal standard she had set
up in her soul. She was disappointed, not so much because of the false
position in which she herself was placed (for this, except
instinctively, she had but little realised), but because Rollo was not
doing, not yet, all that it seemed right for him to do. She would have
forced and beaten (had she been able) Law into the fulfilment of his
duty, she would even have made him generous to herself, not for the sake
of herself, but that he should be a model of brotherhood, an example of
all a true man ought to be; and if this was so in the case of her
brother, how much more with her lover? If to be harsh as a tyrant or
indifferent as a sultan, was the highest ideal of a man’s conduct, how
much happier many a poor creature would be! It seems a paradox to say
so, but it is true enough; for the worst of all, in a woman’s mind, is
to feel that the wrong done to _her_ is worse wrong to _him_, an
infringement of the glory of the being whom she would fain see perfect.
This, however, is a mystery beyond the comprehension of the crowd.
Lottie was used to being disappointed with Law--was she fated to another
disappointment more cruel and bitter? She did not ask herself the
question, she would not have thought it even, much less said it for all
the world; but secretly there was a wonder, a pang, a faintness of
failure in her heart.
It is not without an effort, however, that the heart will permanently
admit any such disappointment. As Lottie went her ways thus drooping,
ashamed and discouraged, thinking of everything that had been done and
that ought to have been done, there drifted vaguely across her mind a
kind of picture of Rollo’s meeting with her father, and what it would
be. She had no sooner thought of this than a glow of alarm came over her
face, bringing insensibly consolation to her mind. Rollo and her father!
What would the Captain say to him? He would put on his grand air, in
which even Lottie had no faith; he would exhibit himself in all his vain
greatness, in all his self-importance, jaunty and fine, to his future
son-in-law. He would give Lottie herself a word of commendation in
passing, and he would spread himself forth before the stranger as if it
was he whom Rollo wanted and cared for. Lottie’s steps quickened out of
the languid pace into which they had fallen, and her very forehead grew
crimson as she realised that meeting. Thank heaven, it had not taken
place yet! Rollo had been too wise, too kind, too delicate to humble his
love by hurrying into the presence of the Captain, into the house where
the Captain’s new wife now reigned supreme. The new wife--she too would
have a share in it, she would be called into counsel, she would give her
advice in everything, and claim a right to interfere. Oh, Lottie
thought, how foolish she had been! how much wiser was Rollo, no doubt
casting about in his mind how it was best to be done, and pondering over
it carefully to spare her pain. She felt herself enveloped in one blush
from the crown of her head to the sole of her feet; but how sweet was
that shame! It was she who was foolish, not he who had failed. Her
cheeks burned with a penitential flush, but he was faultless. There was
nothing in him to disappoint, but only the most delicate kindness, the
tenderest care of her. How could she have thought otherwise? It was not
possible that Rollo should like secret meetings, should fear discovery.
In the first days of their acquaintance he had shown no reluctance to
come to the humble little lodge. But now--his finer feeling shrank from
it now--he wanted to take his love away from that desecrated place, not
to shame her by prying into its ignoble mysteries. He was wiser, better,
kinder than anyone. And she was ashamed of _herself_, not any longer of
anything else, ashamed of her poor, mean, unworthy interpretation of
him; and as happy in her new, changed consciousness of guilt, and
penitence and self-disgust--as happy as if, after her downfall into
earth, she had now safely got back into heaven.
By this time she had got out of the wooded Slopes, and over the stile,
and into the steep thoroughfare at the foot of the Abbey walls, the
pavement of St. Michael’s Hill. Lottie did not feel that there was any
harm in walking through the street alone, as Rollo thought there was.
She wanted no attendant. A little bodyguard, invisible, but with a
radiance going out from them which shone about her, attended upon her
way--love and innocence and happiness, no longer with drooping heads but
brave and sweet, a band invisible, guaranteeing their charge against all
ills. As she went along the street with this shining retinue, there was
nothing in all the world that could have harmed her; and nobody wanted
to harm the girl--of whom, but that she was proud, no soul in St.
Michael’s had an unkind word to say. Everybody knew the domestic
trouble that had come upon her, and all the town was sorry for
Lottie--all the more that there was perhaps a human satisfaction in
being sorry for one whose fault was that she was proud. She met Captain
Temple as she entered the Abbey Gate. Many thoughts about her had been
in the kind old man’s heart all the morning, and it was partly to look
for her, after vain walks about the Abbey Precincts, that he was turning
his steps towards the town. He came up to her eagerly, taking her hand
between his. He thought she must have been wandering out disconsolate,
no matter where, to get away from the house which was no longer a fit
home for one like her. He was so disturbed and anxious about her, that
the shadow which was in his mind seemed to darken over Lottie, and cast
a reflection of gloom upon her face. “You have been out early, my dear?
Why did you not send for me to go with you? After matins I am always at
your service,” he said.
But there was none of the gloom which Captain Temple imagined in
Lottie’s face. She looked up at him out of the soft mist of her own
musings with a smile. “I went out before matins,” she said; “I have been
out a long time. I had--something to do.”
“My poor child! I fear you have been wandering, keeping out of the way,”
said the old Captain. Then another thought seized him. Had she begun
already to serve the new wife and do her errands? “My dear,” he said,
“what have you been doing? you must not be too good--you must not forget
yourself too much. Your duty to your father is one thing, but you must
not let yourself be made use of now--you must recollect your own
position, my dear.”
“My position?” she looked up at him bewildered; for she was thinking
only of Rollo, while he thought only of her father’s wife.
“Yes, Lottie, my dear child, you have thought only of your duty
hitherto, but you must not yield to every encroachment. You must not
allow it to be supposed that you give up everything.”
“Ah,” said Lottie, lifting to him eyes which seemed to swim in a haze of
light; “to give up everything would be so---- I don’t know what you
mean,” she added hastily, in a half-terrified tone. As for Captain
Temple, he was quite bewildered, and did not know what to think.
“Need I explain, my dear, what I mean? There can be but one thing that
all your friends are thinking of. This new relation, this new
connection. I could not sleep all night for thinking of you, in the
house with that woman. My poor child! and my wife too. You were the last
thing we talked of at night, the first thing in the morning----”
“Ah,” said Lottie again, coming back to reality with a long-drawn
breath. “I was not thinking of her; but I understand you now.”
Lottie had, however, some difficulty in thinking of _her_, even now; for
one moment, being thus recalled to the idea, her countenance changed;
but soon came back to its original expression. Her eyes were dewy and
sweet--a suspicion of tears in them like the morning dew on flowers with
the sunshine reflected in it, the long eyelashes moist, but the blue
beneath as clear as a summer sky; and the corners of her mouth would run
into curves of smiling unawares; her face was not the face of one upon
whom the cares of the world were lying heavy, but of one to whom some
new happiness had come. She was not thinking of what he was saying, but
of something in her own mind. The kind old Captain could not tell what
to think; he was alarmed, though he did not know why.
“Then it is not so bad,” he said, “as you feared?”
“What is not so bad? Things at home? Oh, Captain Temple! But I try not
to think about it,” Lottie said hastily, with a quiver in her lip. She
looked at him wistfully, with a sudden longing. “I wish--I wish--but it
is better not to say anything.”
“You may trust to me, my dear; whatever is in your heart I will never
betray you; you may trust to me.”
Lottie’s eyes filled with tears as she looked at him, but she shook her
head. They were not bitter tears, only a little bitter-sweet of
happiness that wanted expression, but which she dared not reveal. If she
could but have told him! If Rollo, failing her father, would but come
and speak to this kind and true friend! But she shook her head. She was
no longer free to say and do whatever pleased her out of her own heart.
She must think of _him_; and while he did not speak, what could she say?
She put out her hand to her old friend again with a little sudden
artifice unlike Lottie. “I have been out all the morning,” she said; “I
must make haste and get back now.”
“I am very glad you are not unhappy,” said the old Captain, looking at
her regretfully. He was not quite sincere. To tell the truth it gave him
a shock to find that Lottie was not unhappy; how could she put up with
such a companion, with such a fate? He went in to his wife, who had been
watching furtively at the window while this conversation was going on,
to talk it all over. Mrs. Temple was almost glad to find something below
perfection in the girl about whom secretly she thought as much as her
husband talked. “We have been thinking too much about it,” she said; “if
she can find the stepmother congenial, it will be better for her.”
“Congenial! you are talking folly. How could she be congenial?” cried
Captain Temple, with great heat, but he did not know what to make of
it. He was disappointed in Lottie. When he had met her the day before
she had been quivering with pain and shame, revolted and outraged, as it
was right and natural she should be: but now it seemed to have passed
altogether from her mind. He could not make it out. He was disappointed;
he went on talking of this wonder all day long and shaking his white
head.
As for Lottie, when she went home, she passed through the house, light
and silent as a ghost, to her own little room, where, abstracted from
everything else, she could live in the new little world of her own which
had come out of the mists into such sudden and beautiful life. It was
very unlike Lottie, but what more does the young soul want when the
_vita nuova_ has just begun, but such a possibility of self-abstraction
and freedom to pursue its dreams? Rapt in these, she gave up her
occupation, her charge, without a sigh. When she was called to table she
came quite gently, and took no notice of anything that passed there,
having enough in her own mind to keep her busy. Law was as much
astonished as Captain Temple. He had thought that Lottie would not
endure it for a day; but, thanks to that happy preoccupation, Lottie
sailed serenely through these troubled waters for more than a week,
during which she spent a considerable portion of her time on the Slopes,
though the weather grew colder and colder every day, and the rest in
her own room, in which she sat fireless, doing her accustomed
needlework, her darnings and mendings, mechanically, while Polly
remodelled the drawing-room, covering it up with crocheted
antimacassars, and all the cheap and coarse devices of vulgar
upholstery. While this was going on, she too was content to have Lottie
out of the way. Polly pervaded the house with high-pitched voice and
noisy step; and she filled it with savoury odours, giving the two men
hot suppers, instead of poor Lottie’s cold beef, which they had often
found monotonous. The Captain now came in for this meal, which in former
times he had rarely favoured; he spent the evenings chiefly at home,
having not yet dropped out of the fervour of the honeymoon; and on the
whole even Law was not sure that there was not something to be said for
the new administration of the house. There was no cold beef--that was an
improvement patent to the meanest capacity. As for Polly, nothing had
yet occurred to mar her glory and happiness. She wore her blue silk
every day, she walked gloriously about the streets in her
orange-blossoms, pointed out by everybody as one of the ladies of the
Abbey. She went to the afternoon service and sat in her privileged seat,
and looked down with dignified sweetness upon “the girls” who were as
she once was. She felt herself as a goddess, sitting there in the
elevated place to which she had a right, and it seemed to her that to be
a Chevalier’s wife was as grand as to be a princess. But Polly did not
soil her lips with so vulgar a word as wife. She called herself a
Chevalier’s lady, and her opinion of her class was great. “Chevalier
means the same thing as knight, and, instead of being simple missis, I
am sure we should all be My lady,” Polly said, “if we had our rights.”
Even her husband laughed, but this did not change her opinion. It was
ungrateful of the other Chevaliers’ ladies that they took no notice of
this new champion of their order. But for the moment Polly, in the
elation of her success, did not mind this, and was content to wait for
the recognition which sooner or later she felt would be sure to come.
This elation kept her from interfering with Lottie, whose self-absorbed
life in her own room, and her exits and entrances, Mrs. Despard
tolerated and seemed to accept as natural; she had so many things to
occupy and to please her, that she could afford to let her step-daughter
alone. And thus Lottie pursued for a little time that life out of nature
to which she had been driven. She lived in those moments on the Slopes,
and in the hours she spent at the Signor’s piano, singing; and then
brooded over these intervals of life in the silence. Her lessons had
increased to three in the week, and these hours of so-called study were
each like a drama of intense and curious interest. Rollo was always
there--a fact which he explained to the Signor by his professional
interest in the new singer, and which to Lottie required no explanation;
and there too was her humble lover, young Purcell, who as she grew
familiar with the sight of him, and showed no displeasure at his
appearance, grew daily a little more courageous, sometimes daring to
turn the leaves of the music, and even to speak to her. Mrs.
O’Shaughnessy, who sat by, watching them all with lively but not
extravagant interest, was the only one in the little party who was not
more or less excited. As for Lottie, this lesson was the centre of all
her life. If music be the food of love, love was the very inspiration of
music to her; the two re-acted upon each other, raising her to such a
height of primitive heroic passion as nobody near her divined--as
nobody, indeed, except perhaps the Signor, with his Italian
susceptibility, was capable of divining. He saw indeed with
dissatisfaction, with an interest which was almost angry, that it was
not art that moved her, and that the secret of the astonishing progress
she made, was not in his instructions. What was it? The Signor was
angry, for he felt no certainty that this wonderful progress was real.
Something made her sing like an angel. What was it? not art. The natural
qualities of her voice were not to be gainsayed; but the musician felt
that the training under which she seemed to be advancing visibly, was
all fictitious, and that it was something else that inspired her. But
Rollo had no such enlightenment. He remarked with all the technicality
of an amateur how her high notes gained in clearness, and her low notes
in melody, at every new effort. It was wonderful; but then the Signor
was a wonderful teacher, a wonderful accompanyist, and what so natural
as that a creature of genius like this, should grow under his teaching
like a flower? Though it was to him she sang, and though her love for
him was her inspiration, Rollo was as unaware of this as old Pickering
in the hall, who listened and shook his head, and decided in his heart
that a woman with a voice like that was a deal too grand for Mr. John.
“She’s more like Jenny Lind than anything,” old Pick said; and in this
Mr. Ridsdale agreed, as he sat and listened, and thought over the means
which should be employed to secure her success. As for young Purcell, he
stood entranced and turned over the leaves of the music. Should he ever
dare to speak to her again, to offer her his love, as he had once
ventured to do,--she who seemed born to enthral the whole world? But
then, the young fellow thought, who was there but he who had an ’ome to
offer Lottie? He was the nobler of the two between whom she stood, the
two men who loved her: all his thought was, that she being unhappy,
poor, her father’s house made wretched to her, he had an ’ome to offer
her; whereas Rollo thought of nothing but of the success she must
achieve in which he would have his share. In order to achieve that
success Rollo had no mind to lend her even his name; but the idea that
it was a thing certain, comforted him much in the consciousness of his
own imprudent engagement, and gave a kind of sanction to his love. To
marry a woman with such a faculty for earning money could not be called
entirely imprudent. These were the calculations, generous and the
reverse, which were made about her. Only Lottie herself made no
calculations, but sang out of the fulness of her heart, and the delicate
passion that possessed her; and the Signor stood and watched,
dissatisfied, sympathetic, the only one that understood at all, though
he but poorly, the high emotion and spring-tide of life which produced
that flood of song.
In this highly-strained unnatural way, life went on amid this little
group of people, few of whom were conscious of any volcano under their
feet. It went on day by day, and they neither perceived the gathering
rapidity of movement in the events, nor any other sign that to-day
should not be as yesterday. Shortly after the explanation had taken
place between Rollo and Lottie, Augusta Huntington, now Mrs. Daventry,
arrived upon her first visit home. She was the Dean’s only child, and
naturally every honour was done to her. All the country round, everyone
that was of sufficient importance to meet the Dean’s daughter, was
invited to hail her return. The Dean himself took the matter in hand to
see that no one was overlooked. They would all like, he thought, to see
Augusta, the princess royal of the reigning house; and Augusta was
graciously pleased to like it too. One of these entertainments ended in
a great musical party, to which all who had known Miss Huntington, all
the singers in the madrigals and choruses of which she had been so fond,
were asked. When Lottie’s invitation came, there was a great thrill and
commotion in Captain Despard’s house. Lottie did not even suspect the
feeling which had been roused on the subject when she took out her white
muslin dress, now, alas, no longer so fresh as at first, and inspected
it anxiously. It would do still with judicious ironing, but what must
she do for ornaments, now that roses were no longer to be had? This
troubled Lottie’s mind greatly, though it may be thought a frivolous
question, until a few hours before the time, when two different presents
came for her, of flowers: one being a large and elaborate bouquet, the
other a bunch of late roses, delicate, lovely, half-opened buds, which
could only have come out of some conservatory. One of these was from
Rollo, and who could doubt which it was? Who but he would have
remembered her sole decoration, and found for her in winter those
ornaments of June? What did she care who sent the other? She decked
herself with her roses, in a glow of grateful tenderness, as proud as
she was happy, to find herself thus provided by his delicate care and
forethought. It did not even occur to Lottie to notice the dark looks
that were thrown at her as she came downstairs all white and shining,
and was wrapped by Law (always ostentatiously attentive to his sister in
Polly’s presence) in the borrowed glory of Mrs. O’Shaughnessy’s great
Indian shawl.
The party was large and crowded, and Lottie, all alone in it, was
frightened and confused at first; but they were all very kind to her,
she thought. Lady Caroline said, “How do you do, Miss Despard?” with
something like a smile, and looked as if she might have given Lottie her
hand, had not the girl been afraid; and Augusta, when she found her out,
came forward with a welcome which was almost effusive. “I hear you have
improved so much,” she said, taking in at one glance all the particulars
of Lottie’s appearance, with a wondering question within herself where
the roses came from, though she perceived at once that it was the same
white muslin frock. And when Lottie sang, which the Signor managed she
should do with great effect towards the close of the evening, Augusta
rushed to her with great eyes of astonishment. “Where did you get all
that voice?” she cried; “you did not have that voice when I went away.”
“I flatter myself it was I that found Miss Despard out,” said Rollo,
suffering himself to look at her, which hitherto he had only done when
there was a shield of crowding groups between him and his cousin. Before
this he had managed to make the evening sweet to Lottie by many a
whispered word: but when he looked at her now, unawares, under Augusta’s
very eyes, with that fond look of proprietorship which is so
unmistakable by the experienced, and to which Lottie responded shyly by
a smile and blush, and conscious tremor of happiness, neither of them
knew what a fatal moment it was. Augusta, looking on, suddenly woke up
to the meaning of it, the meaning of Rollo’s long stay at the Deanery,
and various other wonders. She gave the pair but one look, and then she
turned away. But Lottie did not see that anything strange had happened.
She was so happy that even when Rollo too left her, her heart was
touched and consoled by the kindly looks of the people whom she knew in
the crowd, the ladies who had heard her sing before at the Deanery, and
who were gracious to her, and Mr. Ashford who kept by her side and
watched over her--“like a father,” Lottie said to herself, with
affectionate gratitude, such as might have become that impossible
relationship. The Minor Canon did not leave her for the rest of the
evening, and he it was who saw her home, waiting till the door was
opened, and pressing kindly her trembling cold hand: for, she could not
tell how, the end of the evening was depressing and discouraging, and
the pleasure went all out of it when Rollo whispered to her in passing,
“Take care, for heaven’s sake, or Augusta will find us out!” Why should
it matter so much to him that Augusta should find it out? Was not she
more to him than Augusta? Lottie shrank within herself and trembled with
a nervous chill. She was half grateful to, half angry with even Mr.
Ashford. Why should he be so much more kind to her, so much more careful
of her than the man who had promised her his love and perpetual care?
But even now when she stole in, shivering with the cold of
disappointment and discouragement, through the dark house to her room
Lottie did not know all that this evening had wrought. And she scarcely
noticed the gloom on Polly’s face, nor the strain of angry monologue
which her father’s wife gave vent to, next morning. Polly wondered what
was the good of being a married lady, when a young unmarried girl that
was nobody, was took such notice of, and her betters left at ’ome? Did
people know no manners? gentlefolks! they called themselves
gentlefolks, and behaved like that? If that was politeness, Polly
thanked heaven it was not the kind as she had been taught. But the
outburst came when Lottie, taking no notice, scarcely even hearing what
was said, showed herself with her music in her hands going out to her
lesson. Polly came out of her husband’s room and planted herself
defiantly in Lottie’s way. “Where are you going again,” she said, “Miss?
where are you going again? is this to be always the way of it? Do you
mean never to stay at home nor do anything to help nor make yourself
agreeable? I declare it is enough to put a saint in a passion. But I
won’t put up with it, I can tell you. I did not come here to be treated
like this, like the dirt under your feet.”
Lottie was almost too much taken by surprise to speak. It was the first
absolute shock of collision. “I am going for my lesson,” she said.
“Your lesson!” cried Polly. “Oh my patience, oh my poor ’usband! that is
the way his money goes--lessons for you and lessons for Law, and I don’t
know what! You ought to be ashamed of yourselves, you two. You ought to
be making your living both of you, if you were honest, instead of living
on your father as wants all he’s got for himself. But you shan’t go to
any lesson if I can help it,” she cried. “You’ll stay at home and try
and be of a little use, or you’ll march off this very day, and find some
one else to put up with you and your lessons. It shan’t be me. I won’t
stand by and see my ’usband wronged. You’ll ruin him between you, that’s
what you’ll do; go back, Miss, and put down them books this moment. I
won’t have it, I tell you. I’ll not see my ’usband eaten up by the likes
of you.”
Polly’s diction suffered from her passion, and so did her appearance.
Her face grew scarlet, her eyes flashed with fury. She put out her hand
to push Lottie back, who shrank from her with a cry of dismay--
“Let me pass, please,” said Lottie piteously. She could not quarrel with
this woman, she could not even enter so much into conflict with her as
to brush past her, and thus escape. She shrank with pain and horror from
the excited creature in her way.
“It’s you that will have to go back,” said Polly, “not me. I’m the
mistress of this house, you’ll please to recollect, Miss Lottie. Your
father’s been a deal too good, he’s let you do just what you pleased,
but that’s not my style. I begins as I mean to end. You shan’t stay
here, I tell you, whatever you may think, if you want to trample upon
me, and eat up every penny he has. Go and take off your things this
moment, and see if you can’t be a little use in the house.”
Lottie was struck dumb and could not tell what to say. She had not been
cared for much in her life, but she had never been restrained, and the
sensation was new to her. She did not know how to reply. “I do not wish
to be in your way,” she cried. “I shall not stay long nor trouble you
long, but please do not interfere with me while I am here. I must go.”
“And I say you shan’t go!” said Polly, raising her voice after the
manner of her kind, and stamping her foot upon the floor. “If you
disobey me, I won’t have you here not another day. I’ll turn you out if
it was twelve o’clock at night. I’ll show you that I am mistress in my
own house. Do you think I’m going to be outfaced by you, and treated
like the dirt below your feet? Go and take off your things this moment,
and try if you can’t settle to a bit of work. Out of this house you
shan’t go, not a single step.”
“I say, stand out of the way,” said Law; he had come out of the
dining-room with his hands in his pockets, having just finished his
dinner. Law was not easily moved, but he had now made up his mind that
he was on Lottie’s side. “Don’t give yourself airs to her. She is not of
your sort,” he said. “The governor may let you do many things, but not
bully her. Look here, Polly, you’d better stand out of her way.”
“And who are you, you lazy, useless lout, that dares to call me Polly?”
she cried. “Polly, indeed! your father’s wife, and far better than you.
I’ll make him put you to the door, too, you idle low fellow, spending
your time with a pack of silly, dressing, useless girls----”
“I say, stop that,” cried Law, growing red and seizing her suddenly by
the arm; he stood upon no ceremony with Polly, though she was his
father’s wife; but he gave an uneasy alarmed glance at Lottie. “There’s
some one waiting for you outside,” he cried. “Lottie, go.”
She did not wait for any more. Trembling and horrified, she ran past and
got out breathless, hastily closing the door behind her. The door had
been open, and Mrs. O’Shaughnessy outside--drawing her skirts round her,
physically and metaphorically, so as to avoid all pollution, yet
listening to everything she could hear, was walking up and down the
pavement. “Me poor child!” the good Irishwoman said, half sorry, half
delighted to hear the first of the scandal. “Already! has it come to
this? Me heart is sore for ye, Lottie me dear!”
CHAPTER XXXIV.
A CRISIS.
Lottie scarcely knew how she got through that afternoon. Rollo presented
himself for but a moment at the Signor’s, in great concern that he could
not stay, and begging a hundred pardons with his eyes, which he could
not put into words. Lady Caroline and Augusta had made an engagement for
him from which he could not get free. “At the elm-tree!” he whispered in
the only moment when he could approach Lottie. Her heart, which was
beating still with the mingled anger, and wonder, and fright of her late
encounter, sank within her. She could only look at him with a glance
which was half appeal and half despair. And when he went away the day
seemed to close in, the clouds to gather over the very window by which
she was standing, and heaven and earth to fail her. Rollo’s place was
taken by a spectator whose sympathy was more disinterested than that of
Rollo, and his pity more tender; but what was that to Lottie, who wanted
only the one man whom she loved, not any other? What a saving of
trouble and pain there would be in this world if the sympathy of one did
as well as that of another! There was poor Purcell turning over the
music, gazing at her with timid eyes full of devotion, and longing to
have the courage and the opportunity to offer her again that ’ome which
poor Lottie so much wanted, which seemed opened to her nowhere else in
the whole world. And on the other side stood Mr. Ashford without any
such definite intention as Purcell, without any perception as yet of
anything in himself but extreme “interest in,” and compassion for, this
solitary creature, but roused to the depths of his heart by the sight of
her, anxious to do anything that could give her consolation, and ready
to stand by her against all the world. The Minor Canon had been passing
when that scene took place in the hall of Captain Despard’s house with
its open door. He had heard Polly’s loud voice, and he had seen Law rush
out, putting on his hat, and flushed with unusual feeling. “I don’t mind
what she says to me as long as she keeps off Lottie!” the young man had
said; and careless as Law was, the tears had come to his eyes, and he
had burst forth, “My poor Lottie! what is she to do?” Mr. Ashford’s
heart had been wrung by this outcry. What could he do?--he was
helpless--an unmarried man; of what use could he ever be to a beautiful,
friendless girl? He felt how impotent he was with an impatience and
distress which did not lessen that certainty. He could do nothing for
her, and yet he could not be content to do nothing. This was why he came
to the Signor’s, sitting down behind backs beside Mrs. O’Shaughnessy,
who distracted him by much pantomimic distress, shaking her head and
lifting up her hands and eyes, and would fain have whispered to him all
the time of Lottie’s singing had not the Signor sternly interfered.
(“Sure these musical folks they’re as big tyrants as the Rooshians
themselves,” Mrs. O’Shaughnessy said indignantly.) This was all the
Minor Canon could do--to come and stand by the lonely girl, though no
one but himself knew what his meaning was. It could not be any help to
Lottie, who was not even conscious of it. Perhaps, after all, the sole
good in it was to himself.
Lottie had never sung so little well. She did not sing badly. She took
trouble; the Signor felt she tried to do her best, to work at it, to
occupy herself with the music by way of getting rid of things more
urgent which would press themselves upon her. In short, for the time
Lottie applied herself to it with some faint conception of the purposes
of art. To have recourse to art as an opiate against the pangs of the
inner being, as an escape from the harms of life, is perhaps not the
best way of coming at it, but the Signor knew that this was one of the
most beaten ways towards that temple which to him enshrined everything
that was best in the world. It was, perhaps, the only way in which
Lottie was likely to get at it, and he saw and understood the effort.
But it could not be said that the effort was very successful. The
others, who were thinking only of her, felt that Lottie did not do so
well as usual. She was not in voice, Purcell said to himself; and to the
Minor Canon it seemed very natural that after the scene which she had
just gone through poor Lottie should have but little heart for her work.
It was easily explained. The Signor, however, who knew nothing of the
circumstances, came to the most true conclusion. The agitation of that
episode with Polly would not have harmed her singing, however it might
have troubled herself, had Lottie’s citadel of personal happiness been
untouched. But the flag was lowered from that donjon, the sovereign was
absent. There was no inspiration left in the dull and narrowed world
where Lottie found herself left. Her first opening of vigorous
independent life had been taken from her, and for the first time the
life of visionary passion and enthusiasm was laid low. She did not give
in. She made a brave effort, stilling her excited nerves, commanding her
depressed heart. The Signor himself was more excited than he had been by
all the previous easy triumphs of her inspiration. Now was the test of
what she had in her. Happiness dies, love fails, but art is for ever.
Could she rise to the height of this principle, or would she drop upon
the threshold of the sacred place incapable of answering to the guidance
of art alone? Never before had he felt the same anxious interest in
Lottie. He thought she was groping for that guidance, though without
knowing it, in mere instinct of pain to find something that would not
fail her. She did not rise so high as she had done under the other
leading; but to the Signor this seemed to be in reality Lottie’s first
step, though she did not know it, on the rugged ascent which is the
artist’s way of life. Strait is the path and narrow is the way in that,
as in all excellence. The Signor praised her more than he had ever
praised her before, to the surprise of the lookers-on; the generous
enthusiasm of the artist glowed in him. If he could, he would have
helped her over the roughness of the way, just as the Minor Canon,
longing and pitiful, would have helped her if he could, over the
roughness of life. But the one man was still more powerless than the
other to smooth her path. Here it was not sex, nor circumstances, which
were in fault, but the rigid principles of art, which are less yielding
than rocks; every step, however painful, in that thorny way the neophyte
must tread for herself. The Signor knew it; but the more his beginner
stumbled, the more eager was he to cheer her on.
“I am afraid I sang very badly,” Lottie said, coming out with Mrs.
O’Shaughnessy and the Minor Canon, who went along with them he scarcely
knew why. He could do nothing for the girl, but he did not like to leave
her--to seem (to himself) to desert her. Only himself was in the least
degree aware that he was standing by Lottie in her trouble.
“Me child, you all think a deal too much about it. It was neither better
nor worse; that’s what I don’t like in all your singing. It may be fine
music, but it’s always the same thing over and over. If it was a tune
that a body could catch--but it’s little good the best tune would have
been to me this day. I didn’t hear you, Lottie, for thinking what was to
become of you. What will ye do? Will you never mind, but go back? Sure
you’ve a right to your father’s house whatever happens, and I wouldn’t
be driven away at the first word. There is nothing would please her so
well. I’d go back!”
“Oh, don’t say any more!” cried Lottie with a movement of sudden pride.
But when she caught the pitying look of the Minor Canon her heart
melted. “Mr. Ashford will not be angry because I don’t like to speak of
it,” she said, raising her eyes to him. “He knows that things are
not--not very happy--at home.”
Then Mr. Ashford awoke to the thought that he might be intruding upon
her. He took leave of the ladies hurriedly. But when she had given him
her hand, he stood holding it for a minute. “I begin to like Law very
much,” he said. To feel that this was the way in which he could give her
most pleasure was a delicate instinct, but it was not such a pleasure as
it would have been a month ago. Lottie did not speak, but a gleam of
satisfaction rose in her eyes. “If there is anything I can do,” he said
faltering, “to be of use----”
What could he do? Nothing? He knew that, and so did she. It was only to
himself that this was a consolation, he said to himself when they were
gone. He went away to his comfortable house; and she, slim and light,
turned to the other side of the Abbey, with Mrs. O’Shaughnessy, with
nowhere in the world to go to. Was that so? was it really so? But still
he, with that house of his, a better home than the one which young
Purcell was so eager to offer her, what could he do? Nothing; unless it
were one thing which had not before entered his thoughts, and now, when
it had got in, startled him so, that, middle-aged as he was, he felt his
countenance turn fiery red, and went off at a tremendous pace, as if he
had miles to go. He had only a very little way to go before he reached
his own door, and yet he had travelled more than miles between that and
the dwelling of the Signor.
As for Lottie, she went home with Mrs. O’Shaughnessy, not knowing what
she was to do after. The elm-tree--that was the only place in the world
that seemed quite clear to her. For a moment, in the sickness of her
disappointment to see Rollo abandon her, she had said to herself that
she would not go; but soon a longing to tell him her trouble came upon
her. After the Abbey bells had roused all the echoes, and the usual
congregation had come from all quarters for the evening service, she
left Mrs. O’Shaughnessy, and went slowly towards the Slopes. It was
still early, and the wintry afternoon was cold. There was an east wind
blowing, parching the landscape, and turning all its living tints into
lines of grey. Lottie was not very warmly clothed. She had her merino
gown and little cloth jacket, very plain garments, not like the furs in
which Augusta had come home; but, then, Lottie was not used to living
like Augusta, and perhaps her thinner wrap kept her as warm. She went up
the Dean’s Walk languidly, knowing that it was too early, but unable to
rest. She would have to go home after all, to steal in and hide herself
in her room, for this night at least; but, after that, what was she to
do? The O’Shaughnessys had not a room to give her. She had no relations
whom she might go to; what was to become of her? When she got to the
elm-tree there was nobody there. She had known it was too early. She sat
down and thought, but what could thinking do? What could she make of it?
She looked over the wide landscape which had so often stilled and
consoled her, but it was all dead and unresponsive, dried up by that
east wind; the earth and the sky, and even the horizon on which they
met, all drawn in pale outlines of grey. Her face was blank and pale,
like the landscape, when the lover for whom she was waiting appeared.
The wind, which was so cold, had driven everybody else away. They had it
all to themselves, this chilly wintry landscape, the shadowy trees, with
a few ragged garments of yellow or faded brown still clinging to them.
Rollo came up breathless, his feet ringing upon the winding path. He
came and placed himself beside her, with a thousand apologies that she
should have had to wait. “It was a trick of Augusta’s,” he said; “I am
sure she suspects something.” Lottie felt that this repeated suggestion
that someone suspected ought not to be made to her. But her paleness and
sadness roused Rollo to the most hearty concern. “Something has
happened,” he said; “I can see it, darling, in your eyes. Tell me what
it is. Have not I a right to know everything?” Indeed he was so anxious
and so tender that Lottie forgot all about offence and her
disappointment, and everything that was painful. Who had she beside to
relieve her burdened heart to, to lean upon in her trouble? She told him
what had happened, feeling that with every word she uttered her load was
being lightened. Oh! how good it is to be able to say forth everything,
to tell someone to whom all that happens to you is interesting! As she
told Polly’s insults, even Polly herself seemed to grow more
supportable. Rollo listened to every word with anxious interest, with
excitement, and indignation and grief. He held her closer to him,
saying, “My poor darling, my poor Lottie!” with outbursts of rage and
tender pity. Lottie’s heart grew lighter and lighter as she went on. He
seemed to her to be taking it all on his shoulders, the whole of the
burden. His eyes shone with love and indignation. It was not a thing
which could be borne; she must not bear it, he would not allow her to
bear it, he cried. Finally, a great excitement seemed to get possession
of him all at once. A sudden impulse seized upon him. He held her closer
than ever, with a sudden tightening of his clasp, and hasty resolution.
“Lottie!” he cried; and she could feel his heart suddenly leap into wild
beating, and looked up trembling and expectant, sure that he had found
some way of deliverance. “Lottie, my love! you must not put up with this
another day. You must come away at once. Why not this very night? I
could not rest and think you were bearing such indignity. You must be
brave, and trust yourself to me. You will not be afraid, my darling, to
trust yourself to me?”
“To-night!” she said, with a cry of answering excitement, alarm, and
wonder.
“Why not to-night?” he cried, with more and more energy. “I know a place
where I could take you. A quiet, safe place, with people to take care of
you, who would not suffer you to be annoyed even when I was not there
myself to watch over you. Lottie, dearest, you would not be afraid to
trust yourself to me?”
“No, Rollo, why should I be afraid?--but----” The suddenness of this
prospect of deliverance, which she did not understand, took away
Lottie’s breath.
“But--there are no buts. You would be taken care of as if you were in a
palace. You would have everything to make your life pleasant. You could
work at your music----”
“Ah!” she said, interrupting him; his excitement roused no alarm in her
mind. She was incapable of understanding any meaning in him that was
inconsistent with honour. “Would it be so necessary to think of the
music?” she said. It seemed to her that for Rollo Ridsdale’s wife it
need not be any longer a point essential. A host of other duties, more
sweet, more homely, came before her dazzled eyes.
“Above all things!” he said, with a sudden panic, “without that what
would you--how could I?----“--the suggestion was insupportable--“but we
can discuss this after,” he said. “Lottie, my Lottie, listen! Trust
yourself to me--let me take you away out of all this misery into
happiness. Such happiness! I scarcely can put it into words. Why should
you have another day of persecution, when you can be free, if you will,
this very night?”
His countenance seemed aflame as he bent towards her in the wintry
twilight; she could feel the tumultuous beating of his heart. It was no
premeditated villany, but a real impulse, acted upon, without any pause
for thought, with that sudden and impassioned energy which is often more
subtle than the craftiest calculation. Even while his heart beat thus
wildly with awakened passion, Rollo answered the feeble resistance of
his conscience by asking himself what harm could it do her? it would not
interfere with her career. As for Lottie, she raised herself up within
his arm and threw back her head and looked at him, not shrinking from
him nor showing any horror of the suggestion. There was a pause--only
for a moment, but it felt like half-an-hour, while wild excitement,
love, and terror coursed through his veins. Surely she understood him,
and was not alarmed? If she had understood him and flung away from him
in outraged virtue, Rollo would have been abject in guilt and
penitence. For the moment, however, though his heart beat with alarm,
there was a sense of coming triumph in all his being.
Lottie raised her drooping shoulders, she threw back her head and looked
at him, into the glowing face that was so close to her. Her heart had
given one answering leap of excitement, but was not beating like his. At
that moment, so tremendous to him, it was not passion, but reflection,
that was in her eyes.
“Let me think--let us think,” she said. “Oh, Rollo! it is a great
temptation. To go away, to be safe with you----”
“My darling, my own darling! you shall never have cause to fear, never
to doubt me; my love will be as steady, as true----” So high had the
excitement of suspense grown, that he had scarcely breath to get out the
words.
“Do you think I doubt that?” she said, her voice sounding so calm, so
soft to his excited ear. “That is not the question; there are so many
other things to think of. If you will not think for yourself, I must
think for you. Oh, Rollo, no! I don’t see how it could be. Listen to me;
you are too eager, oh! thank you, dear Rollo, too fond of me, to take
everything into consideration--but _I_ must. Rollo! no, no; it would
never do; how could it ever do, if you will only think? Supposing even
that it did not matter for me, how could you marry your wife from any
place but her home? It would not be creditable,” said Lottie, shaking
her head with all the gentle superiority of reason, “it would not be
right or becoming for you.”
His arm relaxed round her; he tried to say something, but it died away
in his throat. For the moment the man was conscious of nothing but a
positive pang of gratitude for a danger escaped; he was safe, but he
scarcely dared breathe. Had she understood him as he meant her to
understand him, what vengeance would have flashed upon him, what
thunderbolt scathed him! But for very terror he would have shrunk and
hid his face now in the trembling of the catastrophe escaped.
“More than that, even,” said Lottie, going on all unaware; “I have
nothing, you know; and how could I take money--_money to live
upon_--from _you_!--till I was married to you? No! it is impossible,
impossible, Rollo. Oh! thank you, thank you a thousand times for having
thought more of me than of anything else; but you see, don’t you see,
how impossible it is? I will never forget,” said the girl softly,
drawing a little closer to him who had fallen away from her in the
strange tumult of failure--yet deliverance--which took all strength
from him, “I will never forget that you were ready to forget everything
that was reasonable, everything that was sensible, and even your own
credit, for me!”
Another pause, but this time indescribable. In her bosom gratitude,
tender love, and that sweet sense of calmer judgment, of reason less
influenced by passion than it would be fitting or right for his to be,
which a woman loves to feel within herself--her modest prerogative in
the supreme moment; in his a tumult of love, disappointment, relief,
horror of himself, anger and shame, and the thrill of a hairbreadth
escape. He could not say a word; what he had done seemed incredible to
him. The most tremendous denunciation would not have humbled him as did
her unconsciousness. He had made her the most villainous proposal, and
she had not even known what it meant; to her it had seemed all
generosity, love, and honour. His arm dropped from around her, he had no
force to hold her, and some inarticulate exclamation--he could not tell
what--sounded hoarsely in utter confusion and shame in his throat.
“You are not angry?” she said, almost wooing him in her turn. “Rollo, it
is not that I do not trust you, you know; who should I trust but you? If
that were all, I would put my hand in yours; you should take me
wherever you pleased. But then there are the other things to be
considered. And, Rollo, don’t be angry,” she said, drawing his arm
within hers, “I can bear anything now. After talking to you, after
feeling your sympathy, I can bear anything. What do I care for a woman
like that? Of course I knew,” said Lottie, with tears in her eyes, “that
you did feel for me, that you thought of me, that you were always on my
side. But one wants to have it said over again to make assurance sure.
Now I can bear anything, now I can go home--though it is not much
home--and wait, till you come and fetch me, Rollo, openly, in the light,
in the day.”
Here, because she was so happy, Lottie put her hands up to her face and
laid those hands upon his shoulder and cried there in such a heavenly
folly of pain and blessedness as words could not describe. That he
should not claim her at once, that was a pain to her; and to think of
that strange, horrible house to which she must creep back, that was pain
which no happiness could altogether drive out of her thoughts. But yet,
how happy she was! What did it matter if for the moment her heart was
often sore? A little while and all would be well; a little while and she
would be delivered out of all these troubles. It was only a question of
courage, of endurance, of fortitude, and patience; and Lottie had got
back her inspiration, and felt herself capable of bearing anything,
everything, with a stout heart. But Rollo had neither recovered his
speech nor his self-possession; shame and anger were in his heart. He
had not been found out, but the very awe of escape was mingled with
intolerable anger; anger no doubt chiefly against himself, but also a
little against her, though why he could not have said. The
unconsciousness of her innocence, which had impressed him so deeply at
first and confounded all his calculations, began to irritate him. How
was it possible she did not understand? was there stupidity as well as
innocence in it? Most people would have had no difficulty in
understanding, it would have been as clear as noonday--or, rather, as
clear as gaslight; as evident as any “intention” could be. He could not
bear this superiority, this obtuseness of believing; it offended him,
notwithstanding that he had made by it what he felt to be the greatest
escape of his life.
They parted after this not with the same enthusiasm on Rollo’s part as
that which existed on Lottie’s. She was chilled, too, thinking he was
angry with her for not yielding to his desire; and this overcast her
happiness, but not seriously. They stole down by the side of the Abbey,
in the shadow--Lottie talking, Rollo silent. When they came within sight
of the cloister gate and the line of the lodges opposite, Lottie
withdrew her hand from his arm. The road looked empty and dark; but who
could tell what spectator might suddenly appear? She took his _rôle_ in
the eagerness of her heart to make up to him for any vexation her
refusal might have given. “Don’t come any further,” she whispered; “let
us part here; someone might see us.” In her eagerness to make up to him
for her own unkindness, she allowed the necessity for keeping that
secret--though to think of it as a secret had wounded her before.
Nevertheless, when he took her at her word and left her, Lottie, like
the fanciful girl she was, felt a pang of disappointment and painfully
realised her own desolateness, the dismal return all alone to the house
out of which every quality of kindness had gone. Her heart sank, and
with reluctant, lingering steps she came out of the Abbey shadow and
began to cross the Dean’s Walk, her forlorn figure moving slowly against
the white line of the road and the grey of the wintry sky.
Someone was standing at the door as she came in sight of her father’s
house. It was Captain Despard himself, looking out. “Is that you,
Lottie?” he called out, peering into the gloom. “Come in, come in; where
have you been? You must not stay out again, making everybody anxious.”
Then he came out a step or two from his door and spoke in a whisper:
“You know what a woman’s tongue is,” he said; “they have a great deal
to answer for; but when they get excited, what can stop them? You must
try not to pay any attention; be sensible, and don’t mind--no more than
I do,” Captain Despard said.
CHAPTER XXXV.
FAMILY DUTY: ACCORDING TO MRS. DESPARD.
There are some victories which feel very much like defeats. When Polly
had scattered her adversaries on every side, driven forth Lottie and got
rid of Law, and silenced Captain Despard--who sat in his room and heard
everything but thought it wisest not to interfere--she retired upstairs
to her drawing-room and celebrated her triumph by shedding torrents of
tears. She had intended to make everybody very wretched, and she had
done so; supposing, perhaps (though she did not really know what her
motive was), that some pleasure would come to herself out of the
discomfiture of the others. But pleasure rarely comes by that means, and
when she had thus chased everybody out of her way, Polly threw herself
down and burst forth into angry sobs and tears. It is not to be supposed
that Captain Despard entertained any romantic illusions about his bride;
he knew very well what Polly was. He had, as facts proved, been
sufficiently fond of her to marry her, but he did not expect of her more
than Polly could give, nor was he shocked to find that she had a temper
and could give violent utterance to its vagaries; all this he had known
very well before. Knowing it, however, he thought it wise to keep out of
the way and not mix himself up in a fray with which evidently he had
nothing to do. Had she gone a step further with Lottie it is possible
that he might have interfered, for, after all, Lottie was his child; and
though he might himself be hard upon her at times, there is generally a
mingled sentiment of family pride and feeling which makes us unwilling
to allow one who belongs to us to be roughly treated by a stranger. But
when Law put himself in the breach, his father sat close and took no
notice; he did not feel impelled to turn his wife’s batteries upon
himself out of consideration for Law. Nor did it make any impression
upon the Captain when he heard her angry sobs overhead. “She will come
to if she is left to herself,” he said, and he did not allow himself to
be disturbed. Polly, in her passion, threw herself on the carpet,
leaning her head upon a chair. She had changed the room after her own
fashion. She had lined the curtains with pink muslin, and fastened her
crochet-work upon the chairs with bows of pink ribbon; she had covered
the old piano with a painted cover, and adorned it with vases and paper
flowers. She had made the faded little room which had seemed a fit home
enough, in its grey and worn humility, for Lottie’s young beauty, into
something that looked very much like a dressmaker’s ante-room, or that
terrible chamber, “handsomely fitted up with toilet requisites,” where
the victims of the photographic camera prepare for the ordeal. But the
loveliness of her handiwork did not console Polly; she got no comfort
out of the pink bows, nor even from the antimacassars--a point in which
Lottie’s room was painfully deficient. She flung herself upon the carpet
and sobbed. What was the use of being a lady, a Chevalier’s wife, and
living here in the heart of the Abbey, if no one called upon her or took
any notice of her? Polly was not of a patient nature; it did not occur
to her even that there was still time for the courtesies she had set her
heart upon gaining. She had looked every day for some one to come, and
no one had ever come; no one had made any advances to her at the Abbey,
which was the only place in which she could assert her position as a
lady and a Chevalier’s wife. Even Mrs. O’Shaughnessy, who had risen from
the ranks, who lived next door, who was not a bit better, nay, who was
much less good than Polly to begin with (for what is a trooper’s wife?
and she had been nothing but a trooper’s wife)--even Mrs. O’Shaughnessy
had passed the door as if she did not see it, and had waited outside
till Miss Lottie came to her. Polly’s dreams had been very different.
She had seen herself in imagination the admired of all admirers; she was
by far the youngest of all the Chevaliers’ wives, and the gentlemen, at
least, she was sure would rally round her. Women might be spiteful, but
men always did justice to a woman when she was handsome and young. Was
not that written in all the records? She expected that the ladies would
be spiteful--_that_ would be indeed a part of her triumph. They would be
jealous of her superior attractions, of her youth, of her husband’s
adoration of her; the old things would be in a flutter of alarm lest
their old men should come within her influence. But Polly had felt
pretty sure that the old gentlemen would admire her and rally round her.
To make the women envious and the men enthusiastic, was not that always
the way? certainly such was the course of events in the _Family Herald_.
The heroine might have one friend devoted to her fortunes, a confidant
more admiring, more faithful even than her lover; but all the rest of
womankind was leagued against her. And so it had been in most of the
novels Polly had read. But that neither men nor women should take any
notice, that was a thing for which she was not prepared, and which she
declared to herself she would not bear.
She had seen enough already from her windows to make her furious. She
had seen Mrs. O’Shaughnessy ostentatiously waiting for Lottie, walking
up and down outside, making signs to the girl upstairs. She had seen
Captain Temple pass and repass, looking up at the same window. She had
seen the greetings that met Lottie wherever she appeared. The Chevaliers
and their wives had not always looked upon Miss Despard with such
favourable eyes. They had thought her proud, and they had resented her
pride; but now that Lottie was in trouble it was round her they had all
rallied. It was the party at the Deanery, however, which had been the
last drop in Polly’s cup. How was she to know that on the highest
elevation she could reach as the lady of a Chevalier, she was still
beneath the notice of Lady Caroline, and as far as ever from the heaven
of the highest society? Polly did not know. The elevation to which she
herself had risen was so immense in her own consciousness that there
seemed no distinction of ranks above her. She thought, as Lottie had
once thought, though from a different point of view, that gentlefolks
were all one; that a gentleman’s wife, if not so rich or so grand, was
still on a level with Lady Caroline herself, and within the circle which
encompassed the Queen. “You can’t be no better than a gentleman,” Polly
said to herself. You might, it was true, be a lord, which some people
thought better, but even a lord was scarcely above an officer. All this
glorious ambition, however, what was it going to end in? She watched the
carriages going to the Deanery, and with still more furious feelings
she watched Lottie in her white dress crossing the Dean’s Walk. And she
left at home, at the window, neglected, left out, though she was Mrs.
Despard, and the other nobody! Was it possible that it might be better
even to be a dressmaker, forewoman in the workroom, acknowledged to have
the best eye for cutting out, and to be the quickest worker of the lot,
superior so far among her equals--than to be ignored and neglected and
treated as the dust under their feet by a set of poor gentlefolks? Polly
felt that she must wreak her vengeance on somebody.
When she had got her fit of crying over accordingly, she jumped up to
her feet and hurried to her room to put on her “things.” It was her
“best things” that she put on. Indeed, Polly had been wearing her best
things every day with an extravagance which rather touched her
conscience, though it delighted her fancy. She made herself very fine
indeed that wintry afternoon, and pattered downstairs upon a pair of
high heels which were more splendid than comfortable, and burst into the
little room where Captain Despard sat attentive to all these sounds, and
wondering what was coming next. Few people realise the advantage of a
silly wife to a man who is not over wise. The Captain, though he had a
high opinion of himself, was aware at the bottom of his heart that other
people scarcely shared that sentiment. And to have a wife whom he was
fond of, and whose acquisition flattered his vanity, and who was
unmistakably, though clever enough, less clever, less instructed, than
he was, gave him a sense of superiority which was very pleasant to him.
He looked upon her follies with much more indulgence than he had ever
felt for Lottie, who did not give him the same consolation.
“Well, what is it now?” he said, with a smile.
“I want you to come out with me,” Polly said. “I want to buy some
things. My old muff is shabby, I couldn’t wear it in the Abbey. Though
they’re a set of old frights and frumps, I don’t wish your wife to be
looked down upon by them, Harry. I can see them looking at all my
things, counting up what everything costs, and whispering behind my
back. That old Mrs. Jones has trimmed her bonnet exactly like mine,
though she looks as if she was too grand to see me. They ain’t above
copying me, that’s one thing.”
“No wonder,” said the admiring husband; “for it is long since anything
so young and so handsome has been among them before. Don’t they wish
they could copy your face as well as your bonnet! that’s all.”
“Oh, get along!” said Polly, well pleased; “you’re always flattering.
Come and buy me a muff. I don’t know what kind to get. Grebe is sweetly
pretty and ermine is delicious, but sealskin, perhaps, is the most
genteel; that always looks lady-like. Did you see Mrs. Daventry go by in
her carriage? Ah!” Polly sighed; how could she help it? She was very
fine in her blue silk, but Augusta was finer. “She has just come from
France, you know, and then, of course, they are rich. She had on a
velvet with sable _that_ deep----! Ah! it’s hard to see folks that are
no better than you with things that are so much better,” cried Polly;
“but, after all, though velvet and sable are very nice, give me
sealskin--that’s always lady-like. A sealskin jacket!--if I had that, I
don’t think there is anything more I should wish for in the world.”
“Are they very dear?” said the Captain, with a sudden fit of liberality.
He had a native love of buying, which is very general with impecunious
persons, and at present was in a prodigal mood.
“Dear! Oh, not for the good they are,” said Polly. “You never want
another winter mantle all your life. You’re set up. That makes them
cheap in the end; but they cost a deal of money. I haven’t seen nobody
with one in all the Abbey, except the Canon’s ladies.”
“Then you shall have one!” said Captain Despard. He looked like a
prince, Polly thought, as he stood there glowing with generous purpose.
The sound of the “O--Oh!” with which she received the offer rang
through the Lodges. Such a shriek of pleasure had not been heard there
since there had been Chevaliers in St. Michael’s. They went out
together, all beaming, arm in arm, the bride clinging fondly to her
husband, the Captain looking down with delighted protection upon his
bride. This sight, which is so pretty in some cases, and calls forth, if
much amusement, often a great deal of sympathy, roused anything but
friendly feelings in the Lodges, where the good people were getting
ready for the afternoon service. Old fool was the best name they had for
the bridegroom, though he was not very old; and Polly was a grievance
which the ladies could not tolerate. They looked after her from their
windows with feelings which were far from Christian. It was a thing they
ought not to have been exposed to. There should have been an appeal to
the Queen, if the gentlemen had the least energy. “But even the Queen,
bless her! could not keep a man from marrying,” the Warden said,
deprecatingly. He did not like it any more than they did; but it is only
when you are yourself of the executive that you know the difficulties of
action; that is why the ladies are such critics--they have not got it to
do.
Captain and Mrs. Captain Despard (Polly had got beautiful glazed cards
printed stiff and strong with this title upon them) walked down to the
best shop in St. Michael’s, which is a very good shop indeed; and there
they bought a _beautiful sealskin_. Impossible to tell the pride, the
happiness, the glory with which Polly acquired this new possession. She
had not expected it. These were the days when sealskins were still a
hope, a desire, an aspiration to the female mind, a property which
elevated its possessor, and identified her among her peers. “That lady
with the sealskin,” who would think of pointing out anybody by so
general a description now? are they not even going out of fashion? But
Polly, for one, could not realise the possibility that such a thing
could ever happen. And she had not anticipated such a bliss; the
happiness was doubled by being unforeseen. This, indeed, was a proof of
the blessedness of being a married lady, of having bettered herself, of
having married a gentleman. Her mind was in a confusion of delight.
Nevertheless she did not forget that she had come out with another and
quite distinct purpose. The fact that she had herself been so fortunate
did not turn her from her mission. Was it not more her duty than ever to
do everything that could be done for her husband’s family? When she had
decided upon her sealskin, Polly began to shiver. She said, “It is a
very cold day. I don’t know why it should be so cold so early in the
year. Don’t you think it is very cold, Harry? I have come out without
any wrap. Do you know I think I will put the sealskin _on_.” Why should
not she? The proprietor of the shop accomplished the sale with a pang.
He knew Captain Despard well enough and he knew Polly, and he trembled
when he thought of his bill. But what could he be but civil? He put it
on for her--though how any ordinary sealskin could have covered a bosom
so swelling with pride and bliss it is hard to say. And the pair went
out together as they came in, except that one was almost speechless with
the proud consciousness of drawing all eyes. “It is not the appearance,”
said Polly, “but it _is_ so deliciously warm; there never was anything
like it. And now I am set up. I shall not cost you any more for a winter
cloak, not for years and years.” “I thought you said it was to last for
ever,” said the Captain, equally delighted. They promenaded all the way
down St. Michael’s Hill, the admired of all beholders. If the remarks
that were made were not precisely such as Polly hoped, still there was
no doubt that remarks were made by everybody, and that the sealskin had
all the honour it deserved. Sometimes, indeed, there would be a bitter
in the sweet, as when the Captain took off his hat with jaunty grace to
some lady whom he knew. “Who is that?” Polly would ask sharply; but the
ladies all hurried by, and never stopped to be introduced; and no man
took off his hat to Polly. Even against this, however, the happiness
that wrapped her round defended Mrs. Despard. And how the people
stared!--people who had seen her going up and down with a little bundle
of patterns on her way to her work, on her way to try on a dress--people
in the shops, who had been her equals if not her superiors--to see them
gazing out at her with big eyes, at her fine sealskin and her fine
husband, that comforted her soul. She walked slowly, getting the full
good of her triumph. But when she had got to the foot of the hill she
dismissed her escort. “Now you may go,” she said; “you always had plenty
to do in the old days. I don’t want you to say _I_ tie you to my
apron-string. You may go now.”
“This is a pretty way to dismiss your husband,” said Captain Despard;
“and where are you going, may I ask, that you send me away?”
“Oh, I will tell you fast enough. I am not going anywhere you can
disapprove of. I am going to see the girls,” said Polly, “that is all.”
“The girls! My love, you must recollect,” said Captain Despard with
dignity, “that the girls, as you call them, are not fit companions for
you.”
“You may trust me to know my place,” said Polly, “and to keep them in
theirs. I should think you may trust _me_.”
Fortified by this assurance, the Captain left his lovely bride. He
turned back to kiss his hand to her when he was half way up the hill,
prolonging the sweet sorrow of the parting, and Polly blew him a kiss
with infantine grace. It was “as good as a play.” “Lord, what fools
they are!” said the fishmonger on the hill, who was a cynic! and the
young ladies in the draper’s shop shook their heads at each other and
said, “Poor gentleman!” with the profoundest commiseration.
When he had left her, Polly threw out her skirts and smoothed the fur of
her lovely new coat with a caressing hand. She felt that she loved it.
It was more entirely delightful than even her husband--a happiness
without alloy. She walked very slowly, enjoying every step of the way.
She gave a penny to the beggar at the corner in the fulness of her
satisfaction. So far her happiness had evidently a fine moral influence
on Polly; and she was going to pay a visit, which was also very kind, to
“the girls” in the River Lane. She was not one to forget old friends.
She sailed along in her pride and glory through the quarter where she
was so well known, and curved her nostrils at the smells, and allowed
disgust to steal over her face when her path was crossed by an unlovely
figure. Polly flattered herself that she was a fine lady complete; and
there was no doubt that the imitation was very good in the general, so
long as you did not enter into details.
At the entrance of the River Lane, however, she ceased to stand upon
ceremony with herself. She picked up her skirts and went on at a more
business-like rate of speed. Some one was coming up against the light,
which by this time of the afternoon came chiefly from the west, someone
with his shoulders up to his ears, who took off his hat to Polly, and
pleased her until she perceived that it was only Law. “You here!” she
said: and as she looked at him the moral influence of the sealskin
almost vanished. Thus she went in state to visit the scenes in which so
much of her previous life had passed. But a new sentiment was in Polly’s
eyes. She felt that she had a duty to do--a duty which was superior to
benevolence. She pushed open the green swing door with a delicious sense
of the difference. The girls were talking fast and loud when she opened
the door, discussing some subject or other with all the natural chatter
of the workroom. There was a pause when the sound of her heels and the
rustle of her silk was heard--a hush ran round the table. How well Polly
knew what it meant! “They will think it is a customer,” she said to
herself; and never customer swept in more majestically. They were all at
work when she entered, as if they did not know what it was to chatter,
and Ellen rose respectfully at the first appearance of the lady.
“Mother is upstairs, ma’am, but I can take any orders,” she said; and
then with a shriek cried out “Polly!”
“Polly!” echoed all the girls.
Here was a visitor indeed. They got up and made a circle round her,
examining her and all she “had on.” “In a sealskin!” ’Liza and Kate
cried in a breath, with an admiration which amounted to awe. One of them
even put forth her hand to stroke it in her enthusiasm. For an instant
Polly allowed this fervour of admiration to have its way. Then she said,
languidly--
“Give me a chair, please, and send Mrs. Welting to me. I wish to speak
to Mrs. Welting. I am sorry to interrupt your work, young ladies--it is
Mrs. Welting I want to see.”
“But, Polly!” the girls cried all together. They were too much startled
to know what to say. They stood gaping in a circle round her.
“I thought you had come to see us like a friend--like what you used to
be.”
“And weren’t we all just glad to see you again, Polly--and quite the
lady!” cried another. They would not take their dismissal at the first
word.
“Young ladies,” said Polly, “I’ve not come in any bad spirit. I don’t
deny as I’ve passed many a day here. My family (though always far above
the dressmaking) was not well off, and I shall always be thankful to
think as I did my best for them. But now that I’m married, in a
different position,” said Polly, “though always ready to stand your
friend, when you want a friend, or to recommend you among the Abbey
ladies, you can’t think as I can go on with you like you were in my own
sphere. Where there’s no equality there can’t be no friendship. Perhaps
you wouldn’t mind opening a window? It’s rather early to put on my
sealskin, but one never knows at this time of the year--and I’m ’eated
with my walk. Send Mrs. Welting to me, please.”
There was a great commotion among the girls. The two passive ones stood
with open mouth, struck dumb by this magnificence.
“Lor!” cried Kate, finding no other word that could express her emotion.
Emma, though she was the youngest, was the most vehement of all. “I know
what she’s come for. She’s come to make mischief,” cried Emma. “I
wouldn’t fetch mother. I wouldn’t go a step. Let her speak straight out
what she’s got to say.”
“There’s reason in everything,” said Ellen. “You mayn’t mean to keep us
up like friends. Just as you like, I’m sure; none of us is wanting to
keep it up; but mother takes no hand in the business, and that you know
as well as me.”
“Send Mrs. Welting to me,” cried Polly, waving her hand majestically.
She did not condescend to any further reply. She leant back on her chair
and unfastened her beloved mantle at the throat. Then she 5 got out a
laced handkerchief and fanned herself. “Me that thought it was so cold,”
Polly remarked to herself, “and it’s like summer!” She did not pay any
further attention to the young women, who consulted together with great
indignation and excitement at a little distance.
“What can she have to say to mother? I wouldn’t call mother, not if she
was to sit there for a week,” said Emma, who had a presentiment as to
the subject of the visit.
“Lord! just look at her in her sealskin,” interrupted Kate, who could
think of nothing else.
But Ellen, who was the serious one, paused and hesitated. “We can’t tell
what it may be--and if it turned out to be a job, or something she had
got us from some of the Abbey ladies! She’s not bad natured,” said
Ellen, full of doubts.
All this time Polly waved her handkerchief about, with its edge of lace,
fanning herself. She looked at no one--she was too much elevated above
all the associations of the place to deign to take any notice. Had not
she always been above it? With her disengaged hand she smoothed the fur
of her sealskin, rubbing it knowingly upward. She was altogether
unconscious of their talk and discussion. What could _they_ have in
common with Mrs. Despard? To see her, if any of her former associates
had been cool enough to notice it, was still “as good as a play.”
The upshot was, that while the others, with much ostentation of dragging
their seats to the other end of the table, sat down and resumed their
work with as much appearance of calm as possible, Ellen ran upstairs in
obedience to her own more prudent suggestions, and reappeared shortly
with her mother, a large, comely woman, who, not knowing who the visitor
was, was a little expectant, hoping for a very good order--a trousseau,
or perhaps mourning. “Or it might be the apartments,” Mrs. Welting said.
And when she entered the workroom she made the lady a curtsey, then
cried out, as her daughters had done, “Why, bless my heart, Polly! The
idea of taking me in like this, you saucy things,” she cried, turning,
laughing, upon the girls. But she did not get any response from these
indignant young women, nor from Polly, who made no reply to her
salutation, but sat still, delicately fanning herself.
Mrs. Welting stood between the two opposed parties, wondering what was
the matter. Since Polly was here, she could have come only in
friendship. “I’m sure I’m very glad to see you,” she said, “and looking
so well and so ’andsome. And what a lovely sealskin you’ve got on!”
“Mrs. Welting,” said Polly, with great dignity, taking no notice of
these friendly remarks, “I asked for you because I’ve something to say
that is very particular. You don’t take much charge of the business, but
it is you as one must turn to about the girls. Mrs. Welting, you mayn’t
know, but there’s goings on here as always gave me a deal of annoyance.
And now I’ve come to tell you they must be put a stop to. I never could
endure such goings on, and I mean to put a stop to them now.”
“Lord bless us!” said Mrs. Welting. She was really alarmed. She gave a
glance round upon her girls, all bursting with self-defence, and made
them a sign to be silent. Then she turned to her visitor with a mixture
of anxiety and defiance. “Speak up, Polly,” she said; “nobody shall say
as I won’t listen, if there’s anything against my girls; but speak up,
for you’ve gone too far to stop now.”
“How hot it is, to be sure!” said Mrs. Despard, “in this close bit of a
place. I wish someone would open a window. I can’t think how I could
have put up with it so long. And I wonder what my ’usband would say if
he heard me spoke to like that? I thought you would have the sense to
understand that I’ve come here for your good. It wasn’t to put myself on
an equality with folks like you, working for your living. I don’t want
to be stuck up, but a lady must draw the line somewhere. Mrs. Welting, I
don’t suppose you know it--you ain’t often in the workroom--it would be
a deal better if you was. There’s gentlemen comes here, till the place
is known all over the town; and there is one young gentleman as I take a
deal of interest in as makes me and his papa very uneasy all along of
coming here----”
“Gentlemen! coming here!” cried Mrs. Welting, looking round upon her
daughters with mingled anger and dismay.
“I know what I’m talking about,” said Polly; “let them contradict me if
they dare. He comes here mostly every day. One of the girls is that
silly as to think he’s after her. After her! I hope as he has more
sense; he knows what’s what a deal too well for that. He takes his fun
out of them--that is what he does. But you may think yourself what kind
of feelings his family has--the Captain and me. That’s the one that
encourages him most,” Mrs. Despard added, pointing out Emma with her
finger. “She is always enticing the poor boy to come here.”
“Oh, you dreadful, false, wicked story!” cried Emma, flushed and crying.
“Oh, mother, it ain’t nothing of the kind! It was she as brought him
first. She didn’t mind who came when she was here. She said it was no
harm, it was only a bit of fun. We was always against it--at least Ellen
was,” added the culprit, bursting forth into sobs and tears.
“Yes, I always was,” said Ellen, demurely--it was not in human nature
not to claim the palm of superior virtue--“but it was not Emma, it was
Polly that began. I’ve heard her argue as it was no harm. She was the
first with the Captain, and then when young Mr. Despard----”
“I am not going to sit here, and listen to abuse of my family,” said
Polly, rising. “I wouldn’t have mentioned no names, for I can’t abide to
have one as belongs to me made a talk about in a place like this. I came
to give you a warning, ma’am, not these hardened things. It isn’t for
nothing a lady in my position comes down to the River Lane. I’ve got my
beautiful silk all in a muddle, and blacks upon a white bonnet is
ruination. I did it for your sake, Mrs. Welting, for I’ve always had a
respect for you. And now I’ve done my Christian duty,” said Polly, with
vehemence, shaking the dust from her blue silk. “There’s them that talk
about it, like that little Methody Ellen, but there ain’t many that do
it. But don’t let anybody suppose,” she cried, growing hotter and
hotter, “that I mean to do it any more! If you let him come here after
this, I won’t show you any mercy--we’ll have the law of you, my ’usband
and I. There’s laws against artful girls as entice poor innocent young
men. Don’t you go for to think,” cried Mrs. Despard, sweeping out while
they all gazed after her, speechless, “because I’ve once done my
Christian duty that I’m going to do it any more!”
We will not attempt to describe the commotion that followed--the
reproaches, the tears, the fury of the girls betrayed, of which none was
more hot than that of Ellen, who had to stand and hear herself called a
Methody--she who was conscious of being an Anglican and a Catholic
without blemish, and capable of anything in the world before Dissent.
Polly sailed up the hill, triumphant in that consciousness of having
done her duty as a Christian, but equally determined not to do it any
more; and what with the consciousness of this noble performance, and
what with the sealskin, found it in her power to be almost agreeable to
her step-daughter, when the Captain, who, after all, was Lottie’s
father, and did not like the idea that his girl should be banished from
his house, had met her and brought her in.
“She has not had the careful bringing-up that you have had, my child,”
the Captain said. “She hasn’t had your advantages. You must have a
little patience with her, for my sake.” Captain Despard had always been
irresistible when he asked tenderly, with his head on one side, and an
insinuating roll in his voice, that anything should be done for his
sake.
Lottie, who was happy in the sense of her lover’s readiness to sacrifice
everything for her sake (as she thought), and to whom the whole world
seemed fairer in consequence, yielded without any struggle; while Polly,
on her part, put on her most gracious looks.
“If you take every word I say for serious,” said Polly, “I don’t know
whatever I shall do. I never was used to have my words took up hasty
like that. I say a deal of naughtiness that I don’t mean--don’t I,
Harry? You and me would never have come together, should we, if you’d
always gone and taken me at my word?” And so the reconciliation was
effected, and things went on as before. There was no similar occurrence
in respect to Law, whose looks at Polly were murderous; but, then, Law
had no delicacy of sentiment, and, whatever had happened, would have
come into his meals all the same.
CHAPTER XXXVI.
FAMILY DUTY: BY A FINER ARTIST.
Rollo did not come away from the strange excitement of that interview on
the Slopes with the same feelings which filled the mind of Lottie. The
first intense sensation of shame with which he had realised the villany
of the proposal which Lottie did not understand soon changed into a
different sentiment. He had felt its guilt, its treacherous cruelty,
under the guise of devotion, far more bitterly and intensely than as if
she had understood and denounced him; and the relief of his escape from
an indignation and horror which must have been as overwhelming as the
confidence, had made him feel how great a danger he had run, and how
terrible to him, as well as to her, would have been the discovery of his
base intention. How could he ever think that Lottie, proud, and pure,
and fearless of evil as she was, could have fallen into such a snare! He
felt himself a fool as well as a villain; perceiving, too, by the light
of fact, what he would not have understood in theory, that the very
uncomprehension of innocence makes guilt contemptible as well as
terrible. If she could have understood him, he would scarcely have felt
so mean, so miserable, so poor a creature as he did now; not even a gay
and fine betrayer, but a pitiful cheat and would-be criminal, false to
everything that nature trusts in. Rollo had not been irreproachable
hitherto; but such sins as he had indulged in had been done among those
who were sinners like himself, among people who had a cynical
comprehension of the worth of promises and the value of vows. He had
never tried that _rôle_ of the seducer before; and the fact that his own
shame and horror were real made them all the more hard to bear. Shame,
however, of this bitter kind is not an improving influence. Soon it
began to turn to anger equally bitter. He tried to think that Lottie was
partly to blame, that she had “led him on,” that he never would have
gone so far but for “encouragement” from her. Even it flashed across his
mind that she was not so unconscious as she appeared, but had pretended
ignorance in order to rivet her chains upon him, and force him to the
more honourable way which was so much more for her interest. He tried to
force this idea into his own mind, which was not sufficiently depraved
to receive it; but yet it was not long before he was angry, irritated
against the girl who would not understand him, and sore with the
humiliation she had inflicted unawares.
Other influences, too, came in to break the purer spell of honourable
love under which Rollo, to his own surprise, had so entirely fallen.
With the return of Augusta and her husband, the world seemed to have
come back and seized him. Even the society of Augusta, of itself, had an
immediate influence, breaking up the magic of the seclusion in which he
had been content to live. Lady Caroline was not a woman who could be
called unworldly, but she was passive, and did not take any initiative
even in the way of gossip. She liked to hear it; there came a little
gleam of interest to her eyes when the stories of the great world were
brought to her, when she was told who was going to marry who, and by
what schemes and artifices the marriage had been brought about; and who
had most frequently and boldly broken the marriage vow, and by whom it
had been most politely eluded; and how everybody lived and cheated, and
nothing was as it seemed; and all that is done for money, and that is
done for pleasure, in that busy, small, narrow-minded village
society--which is the world. But though she loved to hear, she could not
begin; for, unless people told her what was going on, how, she sometimes
asked piteously, was she to know? As for the Dean, he was not in the
habit of it any more than his wife, though when he went to town he would
bring down invariably a piece of news from his club--of somebody’s
appointment, or somebody’s good luck, or somebody’s wedding. “Now, why
can’t you go and do likewise?” he would say to Rollo. But all this was
mild and secondary in comparison with Augusta, who brought the very air
of what Mr. Jenkins calls the Upper Ten into the Deanery, perfuming all
the rooms and all the meals with stories of fortunes won and lost, of
squabbles, ministerial and domestic, of marriages and dinners alike
“arranged,” and all the wonderful _dessous des cartes_ and _behind the
scenes_ with which so many people are acquainted in fashionable life.
Who so well as Augusta knew that when the Duke of Mannering gave up his
governorship, it was not from any political reason, but because the life
he led was such that the place was far too hot to hold him, and
Government was only too glad to send out Algy Fairfax, though he was
only a younger son, and had no particular interest, simply to smooth
things down? And what a lucky thing it was for Algy to be there just at
the right moment, when there was nobody else handy, and just when Lord
Arthur was there, who had got him to explain matters to his elder
brother, and knew what he could do! It was what old Lady Fairfax had
been scheming for all her life, just as she had been scheming to catch
young Snellgrove for Mina. Of course she had succeeded. Mina was almost
distracted, everybody knew. It was she who had that affair with Lord
Colbrookdale, and now everybody said she was wildly in love with
Reginald Fane, her cousin; but she might just as well be in love with
St. Paul’s, for he had not a penny, and she was to be married directly.
Did you hear about her settlements? They were simply ridiculous. But
that old woman was wonderful. There was nothing she did not think of,
and everything she wanted she got. And then there was that story about
poor young Jonquil, of the War Department, who married somebody quite
out of the question, a poor clergyman’s daughter, or something of that
sort, without a penny (though he might have had the rich Miss Windsor
Brown for the asking, people said), and of the dreadful end he had come
to, living down in some horrid weedy little cottage about Kew, and
wheeling out two babies in a perambulator. All these tales, and a
thousand more, Augusta told, filling the Deanery with a shameful train
of people, all doing something they did not want to do, or forcing
others to do it, or following their pleasure through every law, human
and divine. Lady Caroline sat in her easy-chair (she was not allowed to
put up her feet except in the evening, after dinner, when Augusta was at
home), and listened with half-closed eyes, but unfailing attention. “I
knew his father very well,” she would say now and then, or “his mother
was a great friend of mine.” As for Rollo, he knew all the people of
whom these stories were told. He had seen the things beginning of which
his cousin knew all the conclusions, and what went on behind the scenes,
and thus he was carried back after the idyll of the last six weeks to
his own proper world. He began to feel that there was no world but that,
that nothing else could make up for the want of it; and a shudder ran
over him when he thought of Jonquil’s fate. Augusta, for her part, did
not conceal her surprise to find him at the Deanery. “What is Rollo
doing here?” she said to her mother.
“I am sure, my dear, I do not know. He seems to like it, and we are very
glad to have him,” Lady Caroline replied. But that did not satisfy Mrs.
Daventry’s curiosity. What could a young man of fashion, a man of the
world, do here?
“I wonder what he is after,” she said; “I wonder what his object can be.
It can’t be only your society and papa’s. I should just like to know
what he is up to. He is not a fool, to have gone and got entangled
somehow. I wonder what he can mean by it!” Augusta cried; but her mother
could give her no idea. Lady Caroline thought it was natural enough.
“I don’t see that it is so strange,” she said. “Autumn is a terrible
time. To sleep in a strange bed night after night, and never settle down
anywhere! Rollo likes to be comfortable; and then there is this Miss
Despard. You have heard about Miss Despard?”
“What about Miss Despard?” Augusta said, pricking up her ears.
“She is to be the prima donna,” said Lady Caroline. “He thinks she will
make his fortune. He has always got some wild scheme in his head. He
used to annoy me very much to have her here----”
“And did you have her here?” cried Augusta, roused into sudden
excitement. “Oh, why didn’t I know of it! I thought there must be some
reason! Lottie Despard! And were you obliged to have her here, mamma?
What a bore it must have been for you!”
“I did not like it, my dear,” her ladyship said. But after a while she
added, conscience compelling her, “She sang very nicely, Augusta; she
has a pretty voice.”
“She has plenty of voice, but she cannot sing a note,” said Augusta,
with vehemence, who was herself, without any voice to speak of, a very
well-trained musician. She would not say any more to frighten Lady
Caroline, but she took her measures without delay. And the result of
Augusta’s enquires was that Rollo found his feet entangled in a web of
engagements which separated him from Lottie. But though he was sore and
angry, he had not given up Lottie, nor had he any intention so to do.
When, however, the day came for Lottie’s next lesson, Mrs. Daventry
herself did the Signor the honour of calling upon him just before his
pupil appeared. “You know the interest I always took in Lottie. Please
let me stay. We have so many musical friends in town that I am sure I
can be of use to her,” Mrs. Daventry said; and the consequence was that
when Lottie and her companion entered the Signor’s sitting-room, the
great chair between the fire and the window in which Mrs. O’Shaughnessy
usually placed herself was found to be already occupied by the much
greater lady, whose sudden appearance in this cordial little company put
everybody out. Augusta sat leaning back in the big chair, holding a
screen between her cheek and the fire, her fine Paris bonnet, her furs,
and her velvet making a great appearance against the dark wall, and her
smiles and courtesy confounding every individual of the familiar party.
She was more refined, far less objectionable than Polly, and did her
spiriting in a very different way; but there could be little doubt that
the fine artist was also the most effectual. She put the entire party
out, from the least to the greatest, though the sweetest of smiles was
on her face. Even the Signor was not himself with this gracious
personage superintending his exertions. He was a good English Tory, of
the most orthodox sentiments; but he was at the same time an impatient
Italian, of despotic tastes, and did not easily tolerate the position of
second in his own house. Rollo, who had determined to be present,
whatever happened, but who, by a refinement of cruelty, did not know his
cousin was coming, came in with all the ease of habit, and had already
betrayed the fact of his constant attendance at these strange lessons,
when Augusta called to him, covering him with confusion. “We shall be
quite a family party,” she said. “I’m so glad you take an interest in
poor Lottie _too_.” Rollo could not but ask himself what was the meaning
of this sudden friendliness and interest; but he was obliged to place
himself by her side when she called him. And when Lottie came in, at
whom he did not dare to look, his position became very uncomfortable.
Mrs. O’Shaughnessy, finding her seat occupied, and herself compelled to
take a lower place, sat down on a chair near the door, with wrath which
made her countenance flame. She had stood up in the room a minute before
she seated herself, looking round for a more comfortable place, and had
greeted Mr. Ridsdale joyously as an old friend. But even Rollo, usually
so polite, who never saw her without doing his very best to make himself
agreeable, even he never attempted to introduce her to his cousin, and
the good woman sat down accordingly, against the wall, silent and
fuming, while Augusta took the chief place. The stranger in the midst
of them turned the whole party upside down. Even Purcell was so occupied
by the conversation that was kept up in whispers by Augusta, in her
corner, even during the singing, that he missed to turn the leaves at
the proper moment. Augusta knew very well what she was doing. She had a
respect for the Signor, but she had higher purposes in hand. She kept
Rollo by her side, and kept up a conversation with him through all,
which was, like her usual conversation, deeply pervaded by the essence
of society and “the Upper Ten.” She kept it up in a whisper when Lottie
began to sing. “Don’t you think she is handsome? She is a little like
Lady Augustus Donjon about the eyes--don’t you think so? Oh, I never
told you that good story about the Augustus Donjons,” said Mrs.
Daventry; and she told her story, all through the song, half audible.
“Wasn’t it good?” Augusta said; and then, “That is such a pretty song;
and, Lottie, you are so improved, I should never have known it to be the
same voice. Yes, wasn’t it good, Rollo? Augustus Donjon is always the
first to laugh himself, and even the children have got it in the
nursery. She is such a jolly woman, she never minds. What are we going
to have next? Oh, that will be very nice!” said Augusta.
Was it wonderful that Purcell should lose the place? The young fellow
did all he could to stop the fine lady with furious glances; and the
Signor, though his back was turned to her, felt the whisper and the
indignity run through every nerve of him. Even in his back you could
see, Purcell thought, how horribly annoyed he was. His sensitive
shoulders winced and shuddered, his elbows jerked. He could not attend
to his accompaniment, he could not attend to his pupil. In the very
midst of a song he said aloud, distracted by the s’s of a whisper which
was louder than usual, “This must never happen again.” As for Lottie,
she did not know what she was doing. She sang--because it was the hour
for her lesson, because she found herself standing there by the side of
the Signor’s piano--but not for any other reason. She had neither
inspiration, nor had she that nascent sense that Art might perhaps
console for other losses which she had once felt when Rollo was away.
She was distracted by the whispering behind her, from which she could
not withdraw her attention. Why did he listen? Why did he allow Augusta
to draw him into unfaithfulness to her? And yet, how could he help it?
Was it not all Augusta’s fault? But with whomsoever the fault lay,
Lottie was the victim. Her voice could not be got out. And the reader
knows that Augusta was right--that this poor girl, though she had the
voice of an angel, did not as yet know how to sing, and had no science
to neutralise the impressions made upon her which took away all her
heart and her voice. She went on making a brave fight; but when once the
Signor faltered in his accompaniment, and said loud out, “This must
never happen again,” and when Purcell forgot to turn the page, what is
it to be supposed Lottie could do, who was not the tenth part of a
musician such as they were? She faltered, she went wrong. Tune she could
not help keeping, it was in her nature: even her wrong notes were never
out of harmony; but in time she went wildly floundering, not even kept
right by the Signor. Even that did not matter very much, seeing that
none of these people, who generally were so critical, so censorious, so
ready to be hard upon her out of pure anxiety for her, were in a state
of mind to perceive the mistakes she was making. And it was only vaguely
that Lottie herself was aware of them. Her whole attention was attracted
in spite of herself by the whispering in the corner.
“Oh, thank you so much!” Augusta broke forth, when she came to the end.
“What a charming bit that is! It is Schubert, of course, but I don’t
know it. The time was a little odd, but the melody was beautiful.”
“You know my weakness,” said the Signor stiffly, turning round. “I
cannot answer for myself when people are talking. I am capable of doing
anything that is wrong.”
“Oh! I remember,” cried Mrs. Daventry; “you used to be very stern with
all our little societies. Not a word were we allowed to say. We all
thought it hard, but of course it was better for us in the long run. And
are you as tyrannical as ever, Signor?”
“Not so tyrannical since ladies come here, and carry on their charming
conversation all the same. I only wish I could have profited by it. It
seemed amusing and instructive. If I were not unhappily one of those
poor creatures who can only do one thing at a time----”
“Oh, Signor, how very severe you are!” said Augusta. “I was only telling
my cousin some old stories which I am sure you must have heard weeks
ago. You know the Donjons? No! Oh, I thought everybody knew the Augustus
Donjons! They go everywhere; they have friends in music and friends in
art, and you meet all sorts of people at their house. Lottie, when you
are a great singer, I hope you will remember me, and send me cards now
and then for one of your concerts. There are so many things going on
now, and all so expensive, that people in our circumstances really can’t
do everything. Spencer has stalls where we go when there is anything
particular; but I assure you, now-a-days, one can no more afford a box
at the opera----! You know, Signor; but I daresay your friends always
find you places somewhere.”
“That is true. If everything else fails, a friend of mine who plays
second violin will lend me his instrument,” said the Signor, “or a
box-keeper now and then will be glad of an evening’s holiday. They are
_blasés_, these people. They do not care if Patti sings. They will
rather have a holiday and go to a music-hall.”
Augusta looked at her cousin, puzzled. She did not see the irony. After
all, she thought, there was not, perhaps, so very much difference
between a musician and those perfectly gentlemanlike people who showed
you to your box or your stall. She had often thought how nice they
looked. The Signor saw her bewilderment, and added, with a smile--“You
have never recognised me in my borrowed part?”
“Oh, Signor!--certainly not. I never meant to say anything that would
suggest--to imply anything that might----indeed, I hope you will not
think I have been indiscreet,” cried Augusta. “But, Rollo, we must go,
we must certainly go. I told mamma you would come with me to see the old
Skeffingtons. Spencer is away, and I must return their call. Signor, I
do hope you will forgive me. I meant nothing that was disagreeable. I am
sure we are all put to worse straits than that, in order to get a little
amusement without ruining ourselves. Oh, Rollo, _please_ come away!”
Rollo had snatched an instant as Lottie gathered her music together.
“It is not my fault,” he said. “She never lets me alone. I did not know
she was coming here to-day. Do not put on that strange look.”
“Have I a strange look?” Lottie said. What ups and downs were hers!--the
other day so triumphant, and now again so cast down and discouraged. The
tears were standing in her eyes, but she looked at him bravely. “It does
not matter,” she said; “perhaps she does not mean it. It takes away my
heart, and then I have not any voice.”
“Oh, my love!” he whispered under his breath. “And I must put up with it
all. At the elm-tree, dear, to-night.”
“Oh, no, no!” she said.
“Why no no? it is not my fault. Dear, for pity----”
“What are you saying to Miss Despard, Rollo? I am jealous of you,
Lottie; my cousin never comes to my lessons. And, indeed, I wonder the
Signor allows it. It is very delightful for us, but how you can work,
really _work_ with such a train!” Augusta turned round and looked
severely at Mrs. O’Shaughnessy. “If I were the Signor I should not admit
one creature except your maid.”
But this was an indignity which mortal could not endure. The kind
Irishwoman rose to her feet as quickly as the low chair would permit.
“And sure, I agree with the lady,” she said. “Lottie, me love, I can
bear a deal for you, and I’ve stood your friend through thick and thin,
as all here knows. But come again to the Signor’s I won’t, not if you
were to go down on your knees--unless he gives his word of honour that
them that hasn’t a scrap of manners, them that don’t know how to behave
themselves, that whispers when you’re singing, and interrupts when
you’re speaking, will never be here again to insult you--at least not
when Mistress O’Shaughnessy’s here.”
Leaving this fine outburst of indignation to vibrate through the room,
Mrs. O’Shaughnessy turned upon her heel, and, grasping Lottie by the
arm, took the _pas_ from Augusta, and marched out with blazing eyes and
countenance flushed with war. “Ye can bring the music,” she said to old
Pick, who had been listening, and whose disappointment at Lottie’s
break-down was great, “and there’ll be a shilling for you. I’d scorn to
be beholden to one of them.” Rollo made an anxious attempt, but in vain,
to catch Lottie’s eyes as she was swept past him. But Lottie would not
return his glance. Augusta had done a great deal more execution with her
subtle tactics than Polly with hers--which, perhaps, were not more
brutal because they were so much less refined.
“What an odious woman!” Augusta cried; “walking out of the room before
_me_. But, Rollo, she was quite right, though she was so impudent. You
ought not to go there. Mamma says you want Lottie Despard for your new
opera. She would never do. She has a voice, but she doesn’t know how to
sing. A good audience would never put up with her.”
“That is all a mistake,” said Rollo; “it may be very well to know how to
sing, but it is much better to have a voice.”
“I could not have supposed you were so old-fashioned; never say that in
public if you want anyone to have any opinion of you. But even if you
are so sure of her you should keep away; you should not interfere with
her training. The fact is,” said Augusta, very seriously, “I am
dreadfully afraid you have got into some entanglement even now.”
“You are very kind,” said Rollo, smiling, “to take such care of me.”
“I wish I could take a great deal more care. I am almost sure you have
got into some entanglement, though, of course, you will say no. But,
Rollo, you know, you might as well hang yourself at once. You could
never hold up your head again. I don’t know what on earth would become
of you. Uncle Courtland would wash his hands of you, and what could any
of your friends do? It would be moral suicide,” said Augusta, with
solemnity. “I told you about young Jonquil, and the state he was in.
Rollo! that’s the most miserable thing that can happen to a man; other
things may go wrong, and mend again; your people may interpose, or a
hundred things may happen; but this sort of thing is without hope. Oh,
Rollo, take it to heart! There are many things a man may do that don’t
tell half so much against him. You would be poor, and everybody would
give you up. For goodness’ sake, Rollo, think of what I say.”
He gave her an answer which was not civil; and, as he went along by her
side to old Canon Skeffington’s, there suddenly gleamed across his mind
a recollection of the elm-tree on the Slopes, and all the sweetness of
the stolen hours which had passed there. And Lottie had said “No.” Why
should she have said “No?” It seemed to him that he cared for nothing
else so much as to know why for this first time she had refused to meet
him. Had she began to understand his proposition? had she found out what
it was he meant? Was she afraid of him, or indignant, or----? But she
had not looked indignant. Of all things in the world, there was nothing
he wanted so much as to know what Lottie meant by that refusal. Yet,
notwithstanding, he did take to heart what Augusta said.
CHAPTER XXXVII.
ANOTHER CHANCE.
Mr. Ashford, the Minor Canon, had, anyone would have supposed, as
tranquil yet as pleasantly occupied a life as a man could have. He had
not very much of a clergyman’s work to do. There was no need for him to
harass himself about the poor, who are generally a burden upon the
shoulders or hung about the neck of the parish priest; he was free from
that weight which he had found himself unable to bear. He had only the
morning and evening prayers to think of, very rarely even a sermon. Most
clergymen like that part of their duties; they like to have it in their
power to instruct, to edify, or even to torture the community in
general, with perfect safety from any reprisals; but Ernest Ashford in
that, as in many other things, was an exception to the general rule in
his profession. He was not fond of sermons, and consequently it was a
very happy thing for him that so few were required of him. He was now
and then tormented by his pupils, which brought his life within the
ordinary conditions of humanity; otherwise, with his daily duty in the
beautiful Abbey, which was a delight to him, and the leisure of his
afternoons and evenings, and the landscape that lay under his window,
and the antique grace of his little house, and all his books, no
existence could have been more unruffled and happy. He was as far lifted
above those painful problems of common life which he could not solve,
and which had weighed upon him like personal burdens in the beginning of
his career, as his window was above the lovely sweep of country at the
foot of the hill. What had he to do but sing Handel, to read and to
muse, and to be content? These were the natural conditions of his life.
But it would appear that these conditions are not fit for perverse
humanity; for few indeed are the persons so happily exempt from ordinary
troubles who do not take advantage of every opportunity to drag
themselves into the arena and struggle like their neighbours. Mrs.
Ashford did this in what may be called the most wanton and unprovoked
way. What business had he to take any interest in Lottie Despard? She
was out of his sphere; the Abbey stood between them, a substantial
obstacle; and many things a great deal more important--social
differences, circumstances that tended to separate rather than to bring
together. And it was not even in the orthodox and regular way that he
had permitted this girl to trouble his life. He might have fallen in
love with her, seeing her so often in the Abbey (for Lottie’s looks were
remarkable enough to attract any man), and nobody could have found
fault. It is true, a great many people would have found fault, in all
likelihood people who had nothing to do with it and no right to
interfere, but who would, as a matter of course, have pitied the poor
man who had been beguiled, and indignantly denounced the designing girl;
but no one would have had any right to interfere. As a clergyman of the
Church of England Mr. Ashford had absolute freedom to fall in love if he
pleased, and to marry if he pleased, and nobody would have dared to say
a word. But he had not done this: he had not fallen in love, and he did
not think of marriage; but being himself too tranquil in his well-being,
without family cares or anxieties, perhaps out of the very forlornness
of his happiness, his attention had been fixed--was it upon the first
person he had encountered in the midst of a moral struggle harder, and
therefore nobler, than his own quiescent state? Perhaps this was all. He
could never be sure whether it was the girl fighting to keep her father
and brother out of the mire, fighting with them to make them as honest
and brave herself, or whether it was simply Lottie that interested him.
Possibly it was better not to enter into this question. She was the most
interesting person within his range. His brethren the Canons, Minor and
Major, were respectable or dignified clergymen, very much like the rest
of the profession. Within the Abbey precincts there was nobody with any
particular claim upon the sympathy of his fellows, or whose moral
position demanded special interest. The Uxbridges were anxious about
their son, who was a careless boy, not any better than Law; but then the
father and mother were quite enough to support that anxiety, and kept it
to themselves as much as possible. It was not a matter of life and
death, as in Law’s case, who had neither father nor mother to care what
became of him, but only Lottie--a creature who herself ought to have
been cared for and removed far from all such anxieties. Even the
deficiency in Lottie’s character--the pain with which she was brought to
see that she must herself adopt the profession which was within her
reach, and come out from the shelter of home and the menial work with
which she was contented, to earn money and make an independence for
herself--had given her a warmer hold upon the spectator, who, finding
himself unable to struggle against the world and himself, had withdrawn
from that combat, yet never could quite pardon himself for having
withdrawn. She, poor child, could not withdraw; she was compelled to
confront the thing she hated by sheer force of necessity, and had done
so--compelled, indeed, but only as those who can are compelled. Would
she have fled from the contemplation of want and pain as he had done?
Would she have allowed herself incapable to bear the consequences of the
duty set before her, whatever it might be? Sometimes Mr. Ashford would
ask himself this question: though what could be more ridiculous than the
idea that a girl of twenty could judge better than a man of
five-and-thirty? But he was interested in her by very reason of her
possession of qualities which he did not possess. He had given her good
advice, and she had taken it; but even while he gave it and pressed it
upon her he had been thinking what would she have said to his problems,
how would she have decided for him? All this increased his interest in
Lottie. He realised, almost more strongly than she did herself, all the
new difficulties that surrounded her; he divined her love, which pained
him not less than the other troublous circumstances in her lot, since he
could not imagine it possible that any good could come out of such a
connection. That Rollo Ridsdale would marry anyone but an heiress his
superior knowledge of the world forced him to doubt; he could not
believe in a real honest love, ending in a marriage, between the
Chevalier’s daughter and Lady Caroline’s nephew. And accordingly this,
which seemed to Lottie to turn her doubtful future into a certainty of
happiness, seemed to Mr. Ashford the worst of all the dangers in her
lot. It would be no amusement for her, as it would be for the other;
and what was to become of the girl with her father’s wife in possession
of her home and such a lover in possession of her heart? His
spectatorship got almost more than he could bear at times; nobody seemed
to see as he did, and he was the last person in the world who could
interfere to save her. Could anyone save her? He could not tell; he knew
no one who would take the office upon himself; but least of all could he
do it. He watched with interest which had grown into the profoundest
anxiety--an anxiety which in its turn was increased tenfold by the sense
that there was nothing which he could do.
Such were the feelings in his mind when the Signor joined him on his
homeward way after service on the afternoon when Mrs. Daventry had so
interrupted Lottie’s lesson. Augusta had sailed up the aisle and out by
the door in the cloisters which adjoined the Deanery, as they came out
of the room where all the surplices were hanging in their old presses,
and where the clergy robed themselves. The two men came out when the
rustle and flutter of the party of ladies were still in the air, and old
Wykeham looking after them with cynical criticism. The hassocks in the
aisles, which had been placed there for the convenience of the
overflowing congregations, too great for the Abbey choir, which crowded
every corner now and then, were all driven about like boats at sea by
the passage of these billows of trailing silk, and Wykeham had stooped
to put them back into their places. Stooping did not suit the old man,
and he could not do without his natural growl. “I wish they’d stick to
’em,” he said; “plenty of dirt sticks to ’em. They sweeps up the aisles
and saves us trouble; but I’d just like one o’ them heavy hassocks to
stick.”
“And so should I,” said the Signor under his breath. “They are
insufferable,” he said with vehemence as he emerged into the cloister.
“I have made up my mind I shall not allow any intrusion again.”
“Who are insufferable, and what is the intrusion you are going to
prevent?” said the Minor Canon with a smile.
“Ashford,” said the Signor with much heat, “I am not going to have you
come any more to Miss Despard’s lessons. Don’t say anything to me on the
subject; I know all about interest and so forth, but I can’t permit it.
It’s ruin to her, and it irritates me beyond bearing. Interest? if you
take any real interest in her you would see that nothing could be less
for her welfare, nothing more destructive of any chances she may
have----”
“My dear Rossinetti, I never was present at Miss Despard’s lesson but
once.”
“It was once too much, then,” the Signor cried. “The girl is getting
ruined. That woman, that Mrs. Daventry--you should have heard her
whispering behind our backs with her fan in front of her face, then
stopping a moment to say, ‘What a pretty song: how much you have
improved.’”
The Signor made an attempt to mimic Augusta, but he had no talent that
way, and the mincing tone to which he gave utterance was like nothing
that had ever been heard before. But if his imitation was bad his
disgust was quite genuine. He could not think of anything else; he
returned again and again to the subject as they went on.
“The upper classes,” he said, “are famous for good manners. This is
their good manners: Two of them thrust themselves in for their amusement
to a place where a poor girl is working hard at art, and a man who has
spent most of his life in learning is trying to transmit his knowledge
to her. And the moment that girl begins singing _they_ begin their
loathsome chatter about Mr. this and My Lady that. Do not say anything
to me, Ashford; I tell you, you shall not come, you nor anyone else,
again.”
“Is she making progress?” said the Minor Canon.
“Progress? how could she, with that going on? No; sometimes she will
sing like an angel, sometimes like--anyone. It drives me wild! And then
our gracious patrons appear--Mr. Ridsdale (who ought to know better) and
Mrs. Daventry. I ought to know better too; I will defend my doors from
henceforth. To be sure, I did not mean that; _you_ may come if you
like.”
“And Mr. Ridsdale talked? How did she bear it?” said Mr. Ashford
nervously.
“It is I who will not bear it,” said the musician. “And these are people
who pretend to love music--pretend to know: it is insufferable. If she
ever becomes a great singer----”
“If? I thought you had no doubt.”
“How was I to know I should be intruded upon like this? Poor girl. I
think, after all, the best thing for her will be to marry my boy, John
Purcell, and live a quiet life.”
“Marry--Purcell?”
“Why not? He is a very good musician; he will live to make a great deal
of money: he has genius--positively genius. The best thing she could do
would be to marry him. She is too sensitive. Susceptibility belongs to
the artist temperament, but then it must be susceptibility within
control. Her voice flutters like a flame when the wind is blowing.
Sometimes it blows out altogether. And he loves her. She will do best to
marry my John.”
“You cannot have so little perception, Rossinetti. How can you entertain
such an idea for a moment? Purcell?”
“In what is he so inferior?” said the Signor with quiet gravity. “He is
young, not like you and me. That is a great deal. He is an excellent
musician, and he has a home to offer to her. I should advise it if she
would take my advice. It would not harm her in her career to marry a
musician, if finally she accepts her career. She has not accepted it
yet,” said the Signor with a sigh.
“Then all your certainty is coming to nothing,” said Mr. Ashford, “and
Ridsdale’s----”
“Ah, Ridsdale--that is what harms her. Something might be done if he
were out of the way. He is an influence that is too much for me. Either
she has heard of his new opera, and expects to have her place secured in
it, under his patronage, or else she hopes--something else.” The Signor
kept his eyes fixed upon his companion. He wanted to surprise Mr.
Ashford’s opinion without giving his own.
“Do you think,” said the Minor Canon indignantly, “even with the little
you know of her, that she is a girl to calculate upon having a place
secured to her, or upon anyone’s patronage?”
“Then she hopes for--something else; which is a great deal worse for her
happiness,” said the Signor. Then there was a pause. They had reached
Mr. Ashford’s door, but he did not ask his companion to go in. The
Signor paused, but he had not ended what he had to say: “With the
little I know of her”--he said--“do you know more?”
This was not an easy question to answer. He could not say, I have been
watching her for weeks; I know almost all that can be found out; but,
serious man as he was, Mr. Ashford was embarrassed. He cleared his
throat, and indeed even went through a fit of coughing to gain time.
“Her brother is my pupil,” he said at last, “and, unfortunately, he
likes better to talk than to work. I have heard a great deal about her.
I think I know enough to say that she would not hope--anything that she
had not been wooed and persuaded to believe in----”
“Then you think--you really suppose--you are so credulous, so optimist,
so romantic,” cried the Signor with a _crescendo_ of tone and
gesticulation--“you think that a man of the world, a man of society,
with no money, would marry--for love?”
The musician broke into a short laugh. “You should have heard them,” he
added after a dramatic pause, “this very day whispering, chuchotéing, in
my room while she was singing--talking--oh, don’t you know what about?
About girls who marry rich men while (they say) their hearts are
breaking for poor ones--about women using the most shameless arts to
entrap a rich man, and even playing devotion to a woman with money; and
the only one to be really pitied of all is the poor fellow, who has
followed his heart, who is poor, who lives at Kew, and has two babies in
a perambulator. I laugh at him myself,” said the Signor--“the fool, to
give up his club and society because he took it into his silly head to
love!”
“Rossinetti,” said the Minor Canon, “I know there are quantities of
these wretched stories about; but human nature is human nature, after
all, not the pitiful thing they make it out. I don’t believe they are
true.”
“What! after all the newspapers--the new branch of literature that has
sprung from them?” cried the Signor. Then he paused again and subsided.
“I am of your opinion,” he said. “The fire would come down from heaven
if it was true; but _they_ believe it: that is the curious thing. You
and I, we are not in society; we are charitable; we say human nature
never was so bad as that; but they believe it. Rollo Ridsdale would be
ashamed to behave like a man, as you and I would feel ourselves forced
to behave, as my boy John is burning to do.”
“You and I.” The Minor Canon scarcely knew how it was that he repeated
these words; they caught his ear and dropped from his lips before he was
aware.
The Signor looked at him with a smile which was half satire and a
little bit sympathy. He said, “That is what you are coming to, Ashford.
I see it in your eye.”
“You are speaking--folly,” said Mr. Ashford; then he added hastily, “I
have got one of my boys coming. I must go in.”
“Good-day,” said the other with his dark smile. He had penetrated the
secret thoughts that had not as yet taken any definite form in his
friend’s breast. Sometimes another eye sees more clearly than our own
what is coming uppermost in our minds--or at least its owner believes
so. The Signor was all the more likely to be right in this, that he had
no belief in the calm sentiment of “interest” as actuating a man not yet
too old for warmer feelings, in respect to a woman. He smiled
sardonically at Platonic affection--as most people indeed do, unless the
case is their own. He knew but one natural conclusion in such
circumstances, and settled that it would be so without more ado. And
such reasoning is sure in the majority of cases to be right, or to help
to make itself right by the mere suggestion. To be sure he took an
“interest”--a great interest--in Lottie himself; but that was in the way
of art.
Mr. Ashford had no boy coming that he knew of when he said this to
escape from the Signor; but, as sometimes happens, the expedient
justified itself, and he had scarcely seated himself in his study when
some one came up the oak staircase two or three steps at a time, and
knocked at his door. In answer to the “Come in,” which was said with
some impatience--for the Minor Canon had a great deal to think about,
and had just decided to subject himself to a cross-examination--who
should open the door but Law--Law, without any book under his arm, and
with a countenance much more awake and alive than on the occasions when
he carried that sign of study. “Can I speak to you?” Law said, casting a
glance round the room to see that no one else was there. He came in half
suspicious, but with serious meaning on his face. Then he came and
placed himself in the chair which stood between Mr. Ashford’s
writing-table and his bookcases. “I want to ask your advice,” he said.
“Well; I have done nothing else but give you my advice for some time
past, Law.”
“Yes--to work--I know. You have given me a great deal of that sort of
advice. What good is it, Mr. Ashford? I’ve gone on week after week, and
what will it ever come to? Well, I know what you are going to say. I
work, but I don’t work. I don’t care a bit about it. I haven’t got my
heart in it. It is quite true. But you can’t change your disposition;
you can’t change your nature.”
“Stop a little, Law. So far as work is concerned you often can, if you
will----”
“Ah, but there’s the rub,” said Law, looking his Mentor in the face. “I
don’t want to--that is the simple fact. I don’t feel that I’ve the least
desire to. I feel as if I won’t even when I know I ought. I think it’s
more honest now at last to tell you the real truth.”
“I think I knew it pretty well some time ago,” said the Minor Canon with
a smile. “It is a very common complaint. Even that can be got over with
an effort. Indeed, I am glad you have found it out. Perhaps even, you
know, it is not your brain at all but your will that is at fault.”
“Mr. Ashford,” said Law solemnly, “what is the good of talking? You know
and I know that I never could make anything of it if I were to work, as
we call it, till I was fifty. I never could pass any examination. They
would be fools indeed if they let me in. I am no real good for anything
like that. You know it well enough; why shouldn’t you say it? Here are
you and me alone--nobody to overhear us, nobody to be vexed. What is the
use of going on in the old way? I shall never do any good. You know it
just as well as I.”
“Law,” said Mr. Ashford, “I will not contradict you. I believe you are
right. If there was any other way of making your living I should say
you were right. Books are not your natural tools; but they open the door
to everything. The forest service, the telegraph service--all that sort
of thing would suit you.”
At this point Law got up with excitement, and began walking up and down
the room. “That is all very well,” he said. “Mr. Ashford, what is the
use of deceiving ourselves? I shall never get into any of these. I’ve
come to ask your advice once for all. I give up the books; I could only
waste more time, and I’ve wasted too much already. It has come to this:
I’ll emigrate or I’ll ’list. I don’t see how I’m to do that even, for
I’ve no money--not enough to take me to London, let alone Australia. Why
shouldn’t I do the other? It’s good enough; if there was a war it would
be good enough. Even garrison duty I shouldn’t mind. It wouldn’t hurt
_my_ pride,” the lad said with a sudden flush of colour that belied his
words; “and I might go away from here, so that it would not hurt _her_.
That’s all, Mr. Ashford,” he said with suppressed feeling. “Only
her--she’s the only one that cares; and if I went away from here she
would never know.”
“Has anything happened to drive you to a decision at once? Is there
anything new--anything----?”
“There is always something new,” said Law. “That woman has been to--to
the only place I ever cared to go--to shut the door against me. They
were her own friends too--at least people as good as--a great deal
better than she. She has been there to bully them on my account, to say
they are not to have me. Do you think I’ll stand that? What has she to
do with me?”
“It must be a great deal worse for your sister, Law.”
“Well, isn’t that what I say? Do you think I can stand by and see Lottie
bullied? Once she drove her out of the house. By Jove, if Lottie hadn’t
come home I’d have killed her. I shouldn’t have stopped to think; I
should have killed her,” said Law, whose own wrong had made him
desperate. “Do you think I can stand by and see Lottie bullied by that
woman? She’s brought it partly upon herself. She was too hard in the
house with her management both upon the governor and me. She meant it
well, but she was too hard. But still she’s Lottie, and I can’t see her
put upon. Do you think I am made of stone,” cried Law indignantly, “or
something worse than stone?”
“But if you were in Australia what better would she be? There you would
certainly be of no use to her.”
Law was momentarily staggered, but he recovered himself. “She would know
I was doing for myself,” he said, “which might mean something for her,
too, in time. I might send for her. At least,” said the lad, “she would
not have me on her hands; she would only have herself to think of; and
if she got on in her singing--the fact is, I can’t stand it, and one way
or other I must get away.”
“What would you do if you were in Australia, Law?”
“Hang it all!” said the young man, tears of vexation and despite
starting to his eyes, “a fellow must be good for something somewhere.
You can’t be useless all round; I’m strong enough. And here’s one thing
I’ve found out,” Law added with a laugh: “it doesn’t go against your
pride to do things in the Colonies which you durstn’t do here. You can
do--whatever you _can_ do out there. It doesn’t matter being a
gentleman. A gentleman can drive a cart or carry a load in Australia.
That is the kind of place for me. I’d do whatever turned up.”
Said Mr. Ashford suddenly, “I know a man out there----” and then he
paused. “Law, what would your sister do? There would be no one to stand
by her. Even you, you have not much in your power, but you are always
some one. You can give her a little sympathy. Even to feel that there
are two of you must be something.”
“Mr. Ashford,” said Law, “you will do her more good than I should. What
have I been to poor Lottie? Only a trouble. Two of us--no; I can’t take
even that to myself. I’ve worried her more than anything else. She would
be the first to thank you. You know a man----?”
“I know a man,” said the Minor Canon--“I had forgotten him till now--a
man who owes me a good turn; and I think he would pay it. If I were sure
you would really do your best, and not forget the claims she has upon
your kindness----”
“Would you like me to send for her as soon as I had a home for her?” Law
asked with fervour. There was a subdued twinkle in his eye, but yet he
was too much in earnest not to be ready to make any promise.
“That would be the right thing to do,” said the Minor Canon with
excessive gravity, “though perhaps the bush is not exactly the kind of
place to suit her. If you will promise to do your very best----”
“I will,” said the lad, “I will. I am desperate otherwise; you can see
for yourself, Mr. Ashford. Give me only an opening; give me anything
that I can work at. If I were to ’list I never should make much money by
that. There’s only just this one thing,” said Law: “If I had a friend to
go to, and a chance of employment, and would promise to pay it back, I
suppose I might get a loan somewhere--a loan on good interest,” he
continued, growing anxious and a little breathless--“perhaps from one of
those societies, or some old money-lender, or something--to take me
out?”
The Minor Canon laughed. “If this is what you are really set upon, and
you will do your best,” he said, “I will see your father, and you need
not trouble your mind about the interest. Perhaps we shall be able to
manage that.”
“Oh, Mr. Ashford, what a good fellow you are! what a good friend you
are!” cried Law, beaming with happiness. The tears once more came into
his eyes, and then there came a glow of suppressed malice and fun behind
that moisture. “Lottie will be more obliged even than I,” he said; “and
I could send for her as soon as I got settled out there.”
CHAPTER XXXVIII.
LOTTIE RESENTFUL.
Lottie was sadly disheartened by the events of that day. She came home
alike depressed and indignant, her heart and her pride equally wounded.
She had scarcely seen Rollo for the two intervening days, and the
meeting at the Signor’s had appeared to her before it came a piece of
happiness which was certain, and with which no one could interfere. He
would resist all attempts to wile him away for that afternoon, she was
sure; he would not disappoint her and take all her inspiration from her
again. Since that last meeting under the elm-tree she had been more full
of happy confidence in him than ever. His readiness and eagerness to
take her away at once, overcoming, as she thought, all the scruples and
prejudices of his class, in order to secure deliverance for her, had
filled her mind with that soft glow of gratitude which it is so sweet to
feel to those we love. The elation and buoyant sense of happiness in her
mind had floated her over all the lesser evils in her path. What did
they matter, what did anything matter, in comparison? She was
magnanimous, tolerant, ready to believe the best, unready to be
offended, because of this private solace of happiness in her bosom, but
all the more for those undoubting certainties she had felt the contrast
of the actual scene. She did not even think that Rollo might be innocent
of his cousin’s visit, or that he knew nothing of her coming till he had
walked unawares into the snare. Lottie did not know this. She saw him by
Augusta’s side, talking to her and listening to her. She was conscious
through all her being of the rustle of whispering behind her, which went
on in spite of her singing. She would not look at him to see what
piteous apologies he was making with his eyes, and when Mrs.
O’Shaughnessy in sudden wrath dragged her away Lottie was glad of the
sudden exit, the little demonstration of offence and independence of
which she herself might have failed to take the initiative. She went
home tingling with the wound, her nerves excited, her mind irritated.
She would not go to meet him, as he had asked her. She went home
instead, avoiding everybody, and shut herself up in her own room. She
was discouraged too and deeply annoyed with herself, because in the
presence of the unkindly critic who had been listening to her, Lottie
felt she had not done well. Generally her only care, her only thought,
was to please Rollo; but that day she would have wished for the
inspiring power that now and then came upon her, as when she had sung in
the Abbey not knowing of his presence. She would have liked to sing like
that, overawing Augusta and her whispering; but she had not done so. She
had failed while that semi-friend who was her enemy looked on. She felt,
with a subtle certainty beyond all need of proof, that Augusta was her
enemy. Augusta had at once suspected, though Rollo had said that she
would never suspect; and she wanted to make her cousin see how little
Lottie was his equal, how even in her best gifts she was nothing. It was
bitter to Lottie to think that she had done all she could to prove
Augusta right. Why was it that she could not sing then, as, two or three
times in her life, she had felt able to sing, confounding all who had
been unfavourable to her? Lottie chafed at the failure she had made. She
was angry with herself, and this made her more angry both with Augusta
and with him. In the heat of her self-resentment she began to sing over
her music softly to herself, noting where she had failed. Had the Signor
been within hearing how he would have rejoiced over that
self-instruction. Her friends had been so much mortified that it opened
her eyes to her own faults. She saw where she had been wrong. There is
no such stimulant of excellence as the sense of having done badly.
Lottie’s art education advanced under the sting of this failure as it
had never done before. She threw herself into it with fervour. As she
ran over the notes she seemed to hear the “sibilant s’s” behind her,
pursuing her, and the chance words she had caught. “Like him--she did
not care a straw for him.” “The old lady made it all up,” “and the
settlements were astonishing.” That and a great deal more Lottie’s
jealous ears had picked up, almost against her will, and the words
goaded her on like so many pricks. She thought she never could suffer it
to be possible that Augusta or any other fine lady should do less than
listen when she sang again.
While Lottie sat there cold in the wintry twilight (yet warm with
injured pride and mortification) till there was scarcely light enough to
see, humming over her music, Rollo, getting himself with difficulty free
of his cousin and all the visitors and commotion of the Deanery, rushed
up to the elm-tree, and spent a very uncomfortable moment there, waiting
in the cold, and wondering if it was possible that she would not come.
It did not occur to him that Lottie, always so acquiescent and
persuadable, could stand out now, especially as he was not really to
blame. He stood about under the elm, now and then taking a little walk
up and down to keep himself warm, watching the light steal out of the
wide landscape and everything darken round him, for half and hour and
more. No one was there; not an old Chevalier ventured upon a turn in
the dark, not a pair of lovers confronted the north wind. Rollo
shivered, though he was more warmly clad than Lottie would have been. He
walked up and down with an impatience that helped to keep him warm,
though with dismay that neutralised that livelier feeling. He had no
desire to lose his love in this way. It might be foolish to imperil his
comfort, his position, his very living, for her, but yet now at least
Rollo had no intention of throwing her away. He knew why she sang badly
that afternoon, and instead of alarming him this knowledge brought a
smile upon his face. Augusta had behaved like a woman without a heart,
and Lottie was no tame girl to bear whatever anyone pleased, but a
creature full of fire and spirit, not to be crushed by a fashionable
persecutor. Rollo felt it hard that he should wait in the cold, and be
disappointed after all; but he was not angry with Lottie. She had a
right to be displeased. He was all the more anxious not to lose her, not
to let her get free from him, that she had thus asserted herself. His
love, which had been a little blown about by those fashionable gales
that had been blowing round him, blazed up all the hotter for this
temporary restraint put upon it. She who had trusted him with such an
exquisite trust only the other evening, who had not in her innocence
seen anything but devotion in the sudden proposal into which (he
persuaded himself) only passion could have hurried him--her first
rebellion against him tightened the ties that bound him to her. Give her
up! it would be giving up heaven, throwing away the sweetest thing in
his life. He was cold, but his heart burned as he paced his little
round, facing the north wind and listening for every rustling sound
among the withered leaves that lay around him, thinking it might be her
step. The darkness, and the chill, and the solitude all seemed to show
him more clearly how sweet the intercourse had been which had made him
unconscious of either darkness or cold before. Augusta repeating her
endless monotonous stories of universal guile and selfishness had made
him half ashamed of his best feelings. He was ashamed now of her and her
influence, ashamed of having been made her tool for the humiliation of
his love. What a difference there was between them! Was there anyone
else in the world so tender, so pure, so exquisite in her love and
trust, as Lottie, the creature whose sensitive heart he had been made to
wound? When at last, discouraged and penitent, he turned homeward, Rollo
had the intention trembling in his mind of making Lottie the most
complete amends for everything that had ever been done to harm her. He
paused at the gates of the cloister, and looked across at the light in
her window with a yearning which surprised him. He seemed to have a
thousand things to say to her, and to be but half a being when he had
not her to confide in, to tell all his affairs to--although he had never
told her one of his affairs. This fact did not seem to affect his
longing. He went so far as to walk across the Dean’s Walk, to see what
he thought was her shadow on the blind. It was not Lottie’s shadow, but
Polly’s, who had taken her place; but this the lover did not know.
Meanwhile Lottie had been disturbed in her seclusion by a sharp knock at
her door. “Do you mean to stay there all night, Miss?” cried Polly’s
sharp voice. “You might pay me the compliment to keep me company now and
again as long as you stay in my house. If you think it is civil to stay
there, shut up in your room, and me all alone in the drawing-room, I
don’t. I can’t think where your hearts is, you two,” Polly went on, a
whimper breaking into the tone of offence with which she spoke. “To see
one as is not much older than yourself, and never did you no harm, and
not a soul to keep her company. Was it for that I give up all my own
folks, to come and sit dressed up in a corner because I’m Mrs. Despard,
and never see a soul?”
Lottie had opened her door before this speech was half done. She said
with a little alarm, “Please don’t speak so loud. We need not let the
maid in the kitchen know.”
“Do you think I care for the maid in the kitchen? She’s my servant. I’ll
make her know her place. Never one of them sort of folks takes any
freedom with me. I have always been known for one as allowed no
freedoms--no, nor no followers, nor perquisites, nor nothing of the
kind. They soon find out as I ain’t one to be turned round their finger.
Now you,” said Polly, leading the way into the little drawing-room,
“you’re one of the soft sort. I dare say they did what they liked with
you!”
“I don’t think so,” said Lottie, following. She put her music softly
down upon the old piano, which Polly had swathed in a cover, and the
changed aspect of the room moved her half to laughter, half to anger and
dismay.
“There are few as knows themselves,” said Polly. “That girl, that Mary
as you had, I couldn’t have put up with her for a day. Some folks never
sees when things is huggermugger, but I’m very particular. Your
Pa--dear, good, easy man--I dare say he’s put up with a deal; but to be
sure no better was to be expected, for you never had no training, I
suppose?”
Lottie was almost too much taken by surprise to reply--she, who had felt
that if there was one thing in the world she could do it was
house-keeping! The confusion that is produced in the mind by the sudden
perception of another’s opinion of us which is diametrically opposed to
our own seized her; otherwise she would have been roused to instant
wrath. This, which was something so entirely opposite to what she could
have expected, raised only a kind of ludicrous bewilderment in her mind.
“I--don’t know what you mean,” said Lottie. “Papa has not very much
money to give for house-keeping. Perhaps you are making a mistake.”
“Oh, it is likely that I should make a mistake! Do you think I don’t
know my own husband’s income? Do you think,” said Polly with scorn,
“that he has any secrets from _me_?”
Lottie was cold with her imprisonment in her fireless room. She drew her
little chair to the blazing fire and sat down by the side. Polly had
placed herself in the largest chair in the room, directly in front of
it. The fire was heaped up in the little grate, and blazed, being
largely supplied. It was very comfortable, but it went against the rules
of the economy which Lottie had strenuously prescribed to herself. “Papa
spends a great deal of money himself,” she said; “you will find that you
must be very sparing at home.”
“My dear,” said Polly in a tone of condescending patronage which brought
the colour to Lottie’s face, “I am not one as can be sparing at home.
Pinching ain’t my way. I couldn’t do it, not if I was to be made a
countess for it. Some folks can scrape and cut down and look after
everything, but it ain’t my nature. What I like is a free hand. Plenty
to eat and plenty to drink, and no stinting nowhere--that’s what will
always be the law in my house.”
Lottie made no reply. She felt that it was almost a failure from her
duty to put out her hands to the warmth of the too beautiful fire. Some
one would have to suffer for it. Her mind began to run over her own
budget of ways and means, to try, as had been her old habit, where she
could find something to cut off to make up for the extravagance. “These
coals burn very fast,” she said at last. “They are not a thrifty kind. I
used to have the----”
“I know,” said Polly, “you used to have slates and think it was
economy--poor child!--but the best for me: the best is always the
cheapest in the end. If anyone thinks as I will put up with seconds,
either coals or bread!--but since we’re on the subject of money,”
continued Polly, “I’ll tell you my mind, Miss, and I don’t mean it
unfriendly. The thing as eats up my husband’s money, it ain’t a bright
fire or a good dinner, as is his right to have; it’s your brother Law,
Miss, and you.”
“You have told me that before,” Lottie said, with a strenuous effort at
self-control.
“And I’ll tell it you again--and again--till it has its effect,” cried
Polly: “it’s true. I don’t mean to be unfriendly. I wonder how you can
live upon your Pa at your age. Why, long before I was your age I was
doing for myself. My Pa was very respectable, and everybody belonging to
us; but do you think I’d have stayed at home and eat up what the old
folks had for themselves? They’d have kept me and welcome, but I
wouldn’t hear of it. And do you mean to say,” said Polly, folding her
arms and fixing her eyes upon her step-daughter, “as you think yourself
better than me?”
Lottie returned the stare with glowing eyes, her lips falling apart from
very wonder. She gave a kind of gasp of bewilderment, but made no reply.
“I don’t suppose as you’ll say so,” said Polly; “and why shouldn’t you
think of your family as I did of mine? You mightn’t be able to work as I
did, but there’s always things you could do to save your Pa a little
money. There’s lessons. There’s nothing ungenteel in lessons. I am not
one as would be hard upon a girl just starting in the world. You’ve got
your room here, that don’t cost you nothing; and what’s a daily
governess’s work? Nothing to speak of--two or three hours’ teaching (or
you might as well call it playing), and your dinner with the children,
and mostly with the lady of the house--and all the comforts of ’ome
after, just as if you wasn’t out in the world at all; a deal different
from sitting at your needle, working, working, as I’ve done, from
morning to night.”
“But I don’t know anything,” said Lottie. “I almost think you are quite
right. Perhaps it is all true; it doesn’t matter nowadays, and ladies
ought to work as well as men. But--I don’t know anything.” A half-smile
came over her face. Notwithstanding that she was angry with Rollo,
still--he who would have carried her away on the spot rather than that
she should bear the shadow of a humiliation at home--was it likely----?
Lottie’s mind suddenly leaped out of its anger and resentment with a
sudden rebound. He did not deserve that she should be so angry with him.
Was it his fault? and in forgiving him her temper and her heart got
suddenly right again, and all was well. She even woke to a little
amusement in the consciousness that Polly was advising her for her good.
The extravagant coals, the extravagant meals, would soon bring their own
punishment; and though Lottie could not quite free herself from
irritation on these points, yet she was amused by the thought of all
this good advice.
“That’s nonsense,” said Polly promptly. “Now here’s a way you could
begin at once, and it would be practice for you, and it would show at
least that you was willing. I’ve been very careless,” she said, getting
up from her chair and opening the old piano. She had to push off the
cover first, and the noise and commotion of this complicated movement
filled Lottie with alarm. “I’ve done as a many young ladies do before
they see how silly it is. I’ve left off my music. You mayn’t believe it,
but it’s true. I can’t tell even if I know my notes,” said Polly,
jauntily but clumsily placing her hands upon the keyboard and letting
one finger fall heavily here and there like a hammer. “I don’t remember
a bit. It’s just like a great silly, isn’t it? But you never think when
you are young, when your head’s full of your young man and all that sort
of thing. It’s when you’ve settled down, and got married, and have time
to think, that you find it out.”
Polly was a great deal less careful of her language as she became
accustomed to her new surroundings. She was fully herself by this time,
and at her ease. She sat down before the piano and ran her finger along
the notes. “It’s scandalous,” she said. “We’re taught when we’re young,
and then we thinks no more of it. Now, Miss, if you was willing to do
something for your living, if you was really well disposed and wanted to
make a return, you might just look up some of your old lesson-books and
begin with me. I’d soon pick up,” said Polly, making a run of sound up
and down the keys with the back of her fingers, and thinking it
beautiful; “it would come back to me in two or three lessons. You
needn’t explain nothing about it; we might just say as we were learning
some duets together. It would all come back to me if you would take a
little trouble; and I shouldn’t forget it. I never forget it when
anyone’s of use to me.”
“But,” cried Lottie, who had been vainly endeavouring to break in, “I
cannot play.”
“Cannot play!” Polly turned round upon the piano-stool with a
countenance of horror. Even to turn round upon that stool was something
delightful to her, like a lady in a book, like one of the heroines in
the _Family Herald_; but this intimation chilled the current of her
blood.
“No--only two or three little things, and that chiefly by ear. I never
learned as I ought. I hated it; and I was scarcely ever taught, only
by--someone who did not know much,” said Lottie with a compunction in
her mind. Only by someone who did not know much--This was her mother,
poor soul, whom Polly had replaced. Lottie’s heart swelled as she spoke.
Poor, kind, silly mamma! she had not known very much; but it seemed
cruel to allow it in the presence of her supplanter.
“Goodness--gracious--me!” said Polly. She said each word separately, as
if she were telling beads. She cast at Lottie a glance of sovereign
contempt. “You to set up for being a lady,” she cried, “and can’t _play
the piano_! I never heard of such a thing in all my born days.”
If she had claimed not to be able to work, Polly could have understood
it; but if there is a badge of ladyhood, or even a pretence at ladyhood,
in the world, is it not this? She was horrified; it felt like a coming
down in the world even to Polly herself.
Again Lottie did not make any reply. She was simple enough to be half
ashamed of herself and half angry at the criticism which for the first
time touched her; for it was a fact that she was ignorant, and a
shameful fact. She could not defend, but she would not excuse herself.
As for Polly, there was in her a mingling of triumph and regret.
“I _am_ surprised,” she said. “I thought one who pretended to be a lady
ought at least to know that much. And you ought to be a lady, I am sure,
if ever anyone was, for your Pa is a perfect gentleman. Dear, dear--if
you can’t play the piano, goodness gracious, what have you been doing
all your life? That was the one thing I thought was sure--and you are
musical, for I’ve heard as you could sing. If it’s only that you won’t
take any trouble to oblige,” said Polly angrily, “say it out. Oh, it
won’t be no surprise to me. I’ve seen it in your face already--say it
out!”
“I have told you nothing but the truth,” said Lottie. “I am sorry for
it. I can sing--a little--but I can’t play.”
“It’s just the same as if you said you could write but couldn’t read,”
said Polly; “but I’ve always been told as I’ve a nice voice. It ain’t
your loud kind, that you could hear from this to the Abbey, but
sweet--at least so folks say. You can teach me to sing if you like,” she
said, after a pause. “I never learned singing. One will do as well as
the other, and easier too.”
This was a still more desperate suggestion. Lottie quailed before the
task that was offered to her. “I can show you the scales,” she said
doubtfully; “that is the beginning of everything; but singing is harder
to teach than playing. The Signor thinks I don’t know anything. They say
I have a voice, but that I don’t know how to sing.”
“The fact is,” cried Polly, shutting down the piano with a loud bang and
jar which made the whole instrument thrill, and snapped an old
attenuated chord which went out of existence with a creak and a groan,
“the fact is, you don’t want to do nothing for me. You don’t think me
good enough for you. I am only your father’s wife, and one as has a
claim upon your respect, and deserves to have the best you can do. If it
was one of your fine ladies as don’t care a brass farthing for you--oh,
you’d sing and you’d play the piano safe enough: but you’ve set your
mind against me. I seen it the first day I came here--and since then the
life you’ve led me! Never a civil word--never a pleasant look; yes and
no, with never a turn of your head; you think a deal of yourself. And
you needn’t suppose I care--not I--not one bit; but you shan’t stand up
to my face and refuse whatever I ask you. You’ll have to do what I tell
you or you’ll have to go.”
“I will go,” said Lottie in a low voice. She thought of Rollo’s sudden
proposal, of the good people whom he said he would take her to, of the
sudden relief and hope, the peace and ease that were involved. Ought she
not to take him at his word? For the moment she thought she would do so.
She would let him know that she was ready, ready to go anywhere, only to
escape from this. How foolish she had been to be angry with Rollo--he
who wanted nothing better than to deliver her at a stroke, to carry her
away into happiness. Her heart softened with a great gush of tenderness.
She would yield to him; why should she not yield to him? She might think
that he ought to marry his wife from her father’s house, but he had not
seemed to think so. He thought of nothing but to deliver her from this
humiliation--and what would it matter to him? a poor Chevalier’s house
or a poor quiet lodging, what would it matter? She would go. She would
do as Rollo said.
“You will go?” cried Polly; “and where will you go? Who have you got to
take you in? People ain’t so fond of you. A woman as can do nothing for
herself, who wants her? and isn’t even obliging. Oh, you are going to
your room again, to be sulky there? But I tell you I won’t have it. You
shall sit where the family sits or you shall go out of the place
altogether. And you’ll come to your meals like other people, and you’ll
mix with them as is there, and not set up your white face, as if you
were better than all the world. You’re not so grand as you think you
are, Miss Lottie Despard. If it comes to that I’m a Despard as well as
you; and I’m a married woman, with an ’usband to work for me--an
’usband,” cried Polly, “as doesn’t require to work for me, as has enough
to keep me like a lady--if it wasn’t that he has a set of lazy grown-up
children as won’t do nothing for themselves, but eat us out of ’ouse and
’ome!”
Was it possible that this humiliation had come to Lottie--to Lottie of
all people--she who had felt that the well-being of the house hung upon
her, and that she alone stood between her family and utter downfall? She
sat still, not even attempting now to escape, her ears tingling, her
heart beating. It was incredible that it was she, her very self, Lottie,
who was bearing this. It must be a dream; it was impossible that it
could be true.
And thus Lottie sat the whole of the evening, too proud to withdraw, and
bore the brunt of a long series of attacks, which were interrupted,
indeed, by the supper, to which Polly had to give some personal care,
and by Captain Despard’s entrance and Law’s. Polly told her story to her
husband with indignant vehemence. “I asked her,” she said, “to help me a
bit with my music--I know you’re fond of music, Harry--and I thought
we’d learn up some duets or something, her and me, to please you; and
she says she can’t play the piano! and, then, not to show no offence, I
said as singing would do just as well, and then she says she can’t
sing!” The Captain received this statement with much caressing of his
wife and smoothing of her ruffled plumes. He said, “Lottie, another time
you’ll pay more attention,” with a severe aspect; and not even Law had a
word to say in her defence. As to Law, indeed, he was very much
preoccupied with his own affairs; his eyes were shining, his face full
of secret importance and meaning. Lottie saw that he was eager to catch
her eye, but she did not understand the telegraphic communications he
addressed to her. Nor did she understand him much better when he pulled
her sleeve and whispered, “I am going to Australia,” when the tedious
evening was over. Law’s career had fallen out of her thoughts in the
troubles of those few weeks past. She had even ceased to ask how he was
getting on, or take any interest in his books; she remembered this with
a pang when she found herself at last safe in the shelter of her room.
She had given up one part of her natural duty when the other was taken
from her. Australia? What could he mean? She thought she would question
him to-morrow; but to-morrow brought her another series of petty
struggles, and once more concentrated her mind upon her own affairs.
CHAPTER XXXIX.
LOTTIE SUBDUED.
“I waited half an hour. I was not very happy,” said Rollo. “It is never
cold when you are here, but last night the wind went through and through
me. That is the consequence of being alone. And you, my Lottie, had you
no compunctions? Could you make yourself happy without any thought of
the poor fellow freezing under the elm-tree?”
“Happy!” Lottie cried. She was happy now. Last night she had been alone,
no one in the world caring what became of her; now she felt safe, as if
the world held nothing but friends; but she shivered, notwithstanding
her lover’s supporting arm.
“Not happy then? Does it not answer, darling? Can you endure the woman?
Is she better than at first? I like her,” said Rollo, “for you know it
was her arrival which opened your heart to me--which broke the
ice--which brought us together. I shall always feel charitably towards
her for that.”
Lottie shivered again. “No, it is not because of the cold,” she said. “I
do not suppose you could understand if I were to tell you. Home! I have
not any home!” cried the girl. “I was thinking--if it was really true
what you said the other night--if it would make no difference to you,
Rollo, to take your wife out of some poor little lodging instead of out
of her father’s house--are you sure you would not mind?” she said,
looking wistfully, anxiously into his face. In the waning light all he
could see distinctly was this wistful dilation of her eyes, gazing
intently to read, before he could utter it, his answer in his face. “I
could manage to live somehow,” she went on, tremulously. “Though I
cannot give lessons, I can work, very well. I think I am almost sure I
could get work. No; I would not take money from you; I could not,
Rollo:--not until--no, no; that would be quite impossible; rather stay
here and bear it all than that. But if really, truly, to marry a poor
girl, living in a poor little room, working for her bread, would not
make any difference to you----. Oh, I know, I know it is not what ought
to be--even here, even at home, I am not equal to you. You ought to have
some one a great deal better off--a great deal higher in the world. But
if you would not think it--discreditable; if you would not be
ashamed---- oh, Rollo,” she cried, “I cannot bear it! it is impossible
to bear it!--I would ask you to do what you offered and take me away!”
It is impossible to describe the feelings with which Rollo listened to
these unexpected words. To see a bird walk into the snare must awake
compunctions in the most experienced trapper. The same sensation does
not attend a sudden fall; but the sight of an innocent creature going
calmly into the death set before it, as if into safety and shelter--a
man must be hard indeed to see that unmoved. And Rollo was no villain.
His heart gave one wild leap again, as it had done when, in the hurrying
of passion, not with deliberation (as he had always been comforted to
think), he had laid that snare. The thrill of his hairbreadth escape
from her horror and loathing, the leap of sudden, horrified delight to
find her in his power all at once, by her own act and deed, transported
him for the moment with almost uncontrollable power; and then this
sudden passion in his mind was met by the stream, the torrent, of a more
generous impulse, a nobler passion, which carried everything before it.
A man may trap his prey with guile, he may take advantage of the
half-willingness of a frail resistance; but to turn to shame the perfect
and tender confidence of innocence, who but a villain could do that? and
Rollo was no villain. He grasped her almost convulsively in his arms as
she spoke; he tried to interrupt her, the words surging, almost
incoherent, to his lips. “Lottie! my Lottie!” he cried, “this is not how
it must be. Do you think I will let you go to live alone, to work, as
you say?” He took her hand hastily, and kissed the little cold fingers
with lips that trembled. “No, my love, my darling, not that--but I will
go to town to-morrow and settle how we can be married--at once, without
an hour’s delay. Oh, yes, it is possible, dear--quite possible. It is
the only thing to do. Why, why did I not think of it before? I will go
and settle everything, and get the licence. That is the way. My darling,
you must not say a word. You had made up your mind to marry me some
time, and why not to-morrow--next day--as soon as I can settle? What
should we wait for? who should we think of except ourselves? And I want
you, my love; and you, thank heaven, Lottie, have need of me.”
He held her close to him, in a grasp which was almost fierce--fierce in
the strain of virtue and honour, in which his own nature, with all its
easy principles and vacillations, was caught too. He wanted to be off
and do it at once, without losing a moment, lest his heart should fail.
He would do it, whatever might oppose. She should never know that less
worthy thoughts had been in his mind. She should find that her trust was
not vain. His blood ran in his veins like a tumultuous river, and his
heart beat so that Lottie herself was overawed by the commotion as he
held her against it. She was half frightened by his vehemence and tried
to speak, but he would not let her at first. “No,” he said, “no, you
must not say anything. You must not oppose me. It must be done first,
and then we can think of it after. There is nothing against it, and
everything in its favour. You must not say a word but Yes,” he cried.
“But, Rollo, Rollo, let me speak. It might be good for me, but would it
not be wrong for you? Oh, let me speak! Am I so selfish that I would
make you take a sudden resolution, perhaps very foolish, perhaps very
imprudent, for my sake? Rollo, Rollo, don’t! I will bear anything. It
would be wrong for you to do this.”
“No; not wrong, but right--not wrong, but right,” he cried, bewildering
her with his vehemence. Lottie’s own heart was stirred, but not like
this. She wondered and was troubled, even in the delight of the thought
that everything in the world was as nothing to him in comparison with
his love for herself.
“But, Rollo,” she cried again, trembling in his grasp, “if this is
really possible--if it is not wrong--why should you go to London to do
it? It would be quite as easy here----”
“Lottie, you will sacrifice something for me, will you not?” he said.
“If it were done here, all would be public; it would be spoken of
everywhere; and I want it to be quiet. I have not much money. You will
make this sacrifice for me, dear----”
“Oh,” said Lottie, compunctious, “I wish I had said nothing about it; I
wish I had not disturbed you with my paltry little troubles. Do not
think of them any more. I can bear anything when I know you are thinking
of me. It was only yesterday when--when all seemed uncertain, that it
seemed more than I could bear.”
“And it is more than you ought to bear,” he said. “No, I am glad that
you told me. We will go away, Lottie--to Italy, to the sunshine, to the
country of music, where you will learn best of all--we will go away from
the very church door.”
And then he told her how it could be done. To-morrow he would go and
settle everything. His plans all took form with lightning speed, though
he had never thought of them till now. There would be many things to do;
but in three days from that time he would meet her in the same place,
and tell her all the arrangements he had made:--and the next morning
after that (“Saturday is a lucky day,” he said) they would go to town,
if not together, yet by the same train--and go to the church, where he
would have arranged everything. Rollo Ridsdale was an adventurer born.
He was used to changing the conditions of his life in a moment, in the
twinkling of an eye. But it all seemed a dream to Lottie--not one of her
usual waking dreams, but a dream of the night, with no possibility in
it, which would dissolve into the mists presently and leave nothing but
a happy recollection. She acquiesced in everything, being too much taken
by surprise to oppose a plan in which he was so vehement.
“May I tell Law?” she asked, always in her dream, not feeling as if
there was any reality in the idea she suggested. And he said No at
first, but afterwards half relented, and it was agreed that on Friday
everything was to be decided, but nothing done till then. Thus, though
they had met without a thought that this stolen interview would be more
decisive than any other of the same kind, they parted with a decision
that concerned their entire lives.
They walked closer together after this, in the safe gloom of the
darkness, till they had again reached the door of the cloisters which
led to the Deanery. No one was about, and Rollo was full of restless
excitement. He would not hear what she said about prudence, and walked
across with her to her own door. There was not a creature to be seen up
or down; the lamps flickered in the cold wind, and all the population
had gone in to the comfort of warm rooms and blazing fires. He kissed
her hand tenderly as he took leave of her.
“Till Friday,” he said.
Lottie went in, still in her dream, walking, she thought, in her sleep.
She hoped this sleep would last for ever--that it might not be rashly
disturbed by waking, or even by that which would be almost as bad as
waking--_coming true_. She could scarcely feel that she wanted it to
come true; it was enough as it was, a bewildering happiness that tingled
to the very ends of her fingers, that made her feel as if she were
walking on air. She went softly upstairs, caring for nothing but to get
to her room, where, though it was dark and cold, she could still go on
with this wonderful vision. That seemed all she wanted. But, alas!
something very different was in store for Lottie. As she went with soft
steps up the stairs the door of the little drawing-room was suddenly
opened, letting out a warm stream of ruddy light. Then a sound of
laughter reached her ears, and Polly’s voice----
“Come in, come in; we are waiting for you; we are both here,” with
another gay outburst.
Lottie came to herself, and to all the disagreeable realities of her
life, with a start of pain. She had to obey, though nothing could be
more disagreeable to her. She went in with dazzled eyes into the room
full of firelight. She remembered now that she had remarked outside that
no lamp was lighted, and had supposed with relief that Mrs. Despard was
out. But Mrs. Despard had not been out. She had been lurking in the
ruddy gloom near the window, her husband by her side. They greeted
Lottie with another laugh, as she came in with her pale, astonished face
within the circle of the fire.
“So that’s how you spend your afternoons, miss, as I never could think
where you were,” cried Polly; “but why didn’t you bring in your beau
with you? I’d have given him his tea and a nice leg of a goose, as
comfortable as could be.”
“My child,” said the Captain on his side, “I congratulate you. I’ve been
expecting something of this kind for a long time. I’ve had my eye upon
you. But why didn’t you bring Mr. Ridsdale in, as Mrs. Despard says?”
Lottie felt as if she had been turned into stone. She stood all dark in
her winter dress, the firelight playing upon her, and seeking in vain to
catch at some possibility of reflection. She had not even a button that
would give back the light. And she had not a word to say.
“Come, come, you need not be so put out,” said the Captain, not
unkindly. “We saw you coming; and very proper of Mr. Ridsdale not to
leave you at the Deanery, but to see you home to your own door. You
thought no one was paying any attention--but I hope,” Captain Despard
added, “that I think more than that of my child. I don’t doubt from what
I saw, Lottie, that you understand each other; and why hasn’t he come
before now to speak to me? You might have known that such a suitor would
not be received unfavourably. Happy myself,” said the Captain, throwing
out his chest, “would I have put any obstacle between you and your
happiness, my dear?”
“I did not think--I did not know--I think--you are mistaken,” Lottie
faltered, not knowing what to say.
“Mistaken, indeed! Oh, we’ve gone through all that too lately to be
mistaken, haven’t we, Harry?” cried Mrs. Despard. “We know all about it.
You couldn’t come to those as would understand you better. Don’t be
frightened; you haven’t been found out in anything wrong. If that was
wrong I’ve a deal to answer for,” Polly cried, laughing. “I should think
you must be frozen with cold after wandering about on them Slopes, or
wherever you have been. How foolish young people are, to be sure,
getting their deaths of cold. We never were as foolish as that, were we,
Harry? Come and warm yourself, you silly girl. You needn’t be afraid of
him or me.”
Amid their laughter, however, Lottie managed to get away, to take off
her hat, and to try as best she could to realise this new phase of the
situation. What her father had said was very reasonable. Why had not
Rollo come, as the Captain said? How that would have simplified
everything, made everything legitimate! She sighed, not able to
understand her lover, feeling that for once her father was right; but
Rollo had said that this could not be, that it would be necessary to
keep everything quiet. Her dream of happiness was disturbed. Dreams are
better, so much better, than reality. In them there is never any jar
with fact and necessity; they can adapt themselves to everything, fit
themselves into every new development. But now that she was fully awoke
it was less easy to steer her way through all the obstacles. Rollo’s
reluctance to declare himself, and her father’s right to know, and the
pain of leaving her home in a clandestine way, all rushed upon her,
dispersing her happiness to the winds. She had felt that to awake would
be to lose the sweetness which had wrapped her about; and now the rude
encounter with the world had come, and Lottie felt that even with that
prospect of happiness before her it was difficult to bear what she would
have to bear;--Polly’s innuendoes and, worse still, Polly’s sympathy,
and the questions of her father appalled her as she looked forward to
them. During this strange courtship of hers, so perplexed and mixed up
as it was with her music and the “career” which they all, even Rollo,
had tried to force upon her (though surely there need be no more of that
_now_), and the changes that had taken place at home, Lottie had almost
lost herself. She was no longer the high-spirited girl, full of energy
and strength, who had reigned over this little house and dragged Law’s
heavy bulk along through so many difficulties. She had dreamed so much,
and taken refuge so completely from the troubles of her position in
those dreams, that now she seemed to have lost her own characteristics,
and had no vigour to sustain her when she had actual difficulties to
face. She tried to recall herself to herself as she smoothed her hair,
which had been blown about by the breeze. From the beginning she had
been pained by Rollo’s reserve, though she had persuaded herself it was
natural enough; but now, in this new, strange revolution of affairs--a
revolution caused entirely, she said to herself, by her father’s own
proceedings--what could she do but stand firm on her own side? She would
not betray the great purpose in hand. She would still her own heart, and
keep her composure, and not allow any agitation or any irritation to
wrest from her the secret which Rollo desired to keep. To smooth her
ruffled hair was not generally a long process with Lottie; but it was
more difficult to arrange her agitated thoughts, and there had been
various calls for her from below, where the others had gone for their
evening meal, before she was ready to follow.
Finally Law was sent upstairs with an urgent demand for her presence.
“They’ve gone to tea,” said Law, knocking at her door; and then he
added, in a low tone, “Open, Lottie. I want to speak to you. I have got
lots to say to you.”
She heard him, but she did not attach any meaning to his words. What he
said to her on the night before had left no definite impression on her
mind. Law had lost his sister, who thought of him above all. In the
midst of a pressing crisis in our own individual life, which of us has
time to think of others? She was afraid to talk to Law, afraid to betray
herself. Love made Lottie selfish and self-absorbed, a consequence just
as apt to follow as any other. She was afraid of betraying herself to
him; her mind was too full of this wonderful revolution in her own life
to be able to take in Law’s desire, on his side, not to know about her,
but to expound himself. She came out upon him hastily, and brushed past
him, saying, “I am ready.” She did not think of Law, not even when he
followed her, grumbling and murmuring--“I told you I wanted to speak to
you.” How difficult it is to realise the wants of another when one’s
heart is full of one’s own concerns! Neither brother nor sister had room
in their minds for anything but the momentous event in their respective
lives which was coming; but Law was aggrieved, for he had always
hitherto possessed Lottie’s sympathy as a chattel of his own.
Polly and the Captain were seated at table when the two younger members
of the family went in, and never had Captain Despard been more dignified
or genial. “Lottie, my child, a bit of the breast,” he said--“a delicate
bit just fit for a lady. I’ve saved it up for you, though you are late.
You are very late; but for once in a way we will make allowances,
especially as Mrs. Despard is not offended, but takes your side.”
“Oh, _I_ know,” said Polly, “I am not one as is hard upon natural
feelings. Pride I can’t abide, nor stuck-up ways, but when it comes to
keeping company----”
“Is anyone keeping company with Lottie?” said Law, looking up fiercely;
and then the elder pair laughed.
“But, my love, it is not a phrase that is used in good society,” the
Captain said.
“Oh, bother good society!” said Polly. She was in an exuberant mood, and
beyond the influence of that little topdressing of too transparent
pretence with which occasionally she attempted to impose upon her
step-children. Lottie, in whose mind indignation and disgust gradually
overcame the previous self-absorption, listened to every word, unable to
escape from the chatter she hated, with that keen interest of dislike
and impatience which is more enthralling than affection; but she
scarcely ventured to raise her eyes, and kept herself rigidly on her
guard lest any rash word should betray her. It was not till the meal was
over that she was brought to actual proof. Then her father detained her
as she was about to escape. Law, more impatient than ever with the
pressure of his own affairs, which it seemed impossible to find any
opportunity of confiding to his sister, had got up at once and gone out.
The Captain threw out his chest majestically and waved his hand as
Lottie was about to follow.
“My child, I have got something to say to you,” he said.
Mrs. Despard was standing by the fire, warming herself with frank ease,
with a good ankle well displayed. Lottie, on her way to the door,
unwillingly arrested, stood still because she could not help it. But the
Captain occupied with majesty his seat at the foot of the table between
his wife and his daughter. “My love,” he said, with his favourite
gesture, throwing back his well-developed shoulders, “I have every faith
in my daughter, and Mr. Ridsdale is in every way quite satisfactory.
Your family is as good as his, but my Lord Courtland’s son is not one to
be turned away from any door; and as you have no fortune, Lottie, I
should not be exacting as to settlements. I suppose he knows that you
have no fortune, my dear?”
“La, Harry!” said Polly from the side of the fire, “how should he think
she had a fortune? Fortunes don’t grow on every tree. And how do you
know as he has got _that_ far? A young man may keep company with a girl
for long enough, and yet never go as far as _that_.”
“You must allow me to know best, my love,” said the Captain. “I hope he
is not trifling with my girl’s affections. If he is he has Harry Despard
to deal with, I’d have him to know. By Jove, if I thought _that_!”
“I dare say it’s nothing but keeping company,” said Polly, holding up
her foot to the fire. “Taking a walk together, or a talk; there’s
nothing wrong in that. She wants her bit of fun as well as other girls.
I’m not the one to stand up for Miss Lottie, for it’s not what she’d do
for me; but if it’s only her bit of fun you shouldn’t be hard upon her,
Harry; if my pa had hauled me up for that----”
Lottie could not bear it any longer. “Do you wish me to stay,” she said,
“papa? can you wish me to stay?” The Captain looked from his wife in her
easy attitude to his daughter, pale with indignation and horror.
“My love,” he said, with mild remonstrance, “there are different ways of
speaking in different spheres. Lottie is an only daughter, and has been
very carefully brought up. But, my child,” the Captain added, turning to
Lottie, “you must not be neglected now. I will make it my business
to-morrow to see Mr. Ridsdale, to ascertain what his intentions are.
Your interests shall not suffer from any carelessness.”
“Papa,” cried Lottie in despair, “you will not do anything so cruel; you
could not treat me so! Wait--only wait--a few days--three or four days!”
Polly was so much interested that she let her dress drop over her ankles
and turned round. “Don’t you see,” she said, “that she feels he’s coming
to the point without any bother? That’s always a deal the best way. It
can’t do no harm, as I can see, to wait for three or four days.”
“By Jove, but it will, though,” said Captain Despard with sudden
impatience, “all the harm in the world. You’ll allow me to understand my
own business. It is clearly time for a man to interfere. I shall see Mr.
Ridsdale to-morrow, if all the women in the world were to try their
skill and hold me back. Hold your tongue, Mrs. Despard; be quiet,
Lottie. When a man is a husband and a father he is the best judge of his
own duties. It is now my time to interfere.”
Polly was really concerned; she had a fellow feeling for the girl whose
rights were thus interfered with. “Don’t you mind,” she said, turning to
Lottie with a half-audible whisper. “If he’s coming to the point himself
it won’t do no harm, and if he ain’t it will give him a push, and let
him see what’s expected of him. I ain’t one for interfering myself, but
if you can’t help it you must just put up with it; and I don’t think,
after all, it will do so very much harm.”
Now Lottie ought to have been grateful for this well-intentioned and
amiable remark, but she was not. On the contrary, her anger rose more
wildly against the stranger who thus attempted to console her, than it
did against her father, whose sudden resolution was so painful to her.
She gave Polly a look of wrath, and, forgetting even civility, darted
out of the room and upstairs in vehement resentment. Polly was not so
much angry as amazed to the point of consternation. She gasped for the
breath which was taken away by Lottie’s sudden flight. “Well!” she
exclaimed, “that’s manners, that is! that’s what you call being brought
up careful! A young unmarried girl, as is nothing and nobody, rushing
out of a room like that before a married lady and her Pa’s wife!”
Lottie, however, was in a passion of alarm, which drove everything else
out of her head. Of all things that seemed to her most to be avoided, a
meeting between her father and Rollo at this crisis was the worst. She
left her room no more that evening, but sat and pondered what she could
do to avert the danger. True, without a meeting between them it would be
impossible that her love should have its legitimate sanction, and that
the beginning of her new life should be honest and straightforward, as
it ought. But partly because she had schooled herself to think (by way
of excusing Rollo’s silence) that a meeting between him and her father
would only make him less respectful of the Captain’s pretensions and the
“family” which Lottie still with forlorn faith believed in, and partly
because the visit of a father to ask a lover’s “intentions” was perhaps
the very last way in which a beginning of intercourse could be agreeably
established, it seemed to Lottie that she would do anything in the world
to prevent this meeting. With this view she wrote one little note and
then another to warn Rollo--writing with cold fingers but a beating
heart, hot with anxiety and trouble, upon the corner of her little
dressing-table--for there was no room for any other convenience of a
table in the small, old-fashioned chamber. But when she had at last
achieved a composition of one which seemed to express feebly yet
sufficiently what she wanted to say, the question arose, How was it to
get to Rollo? She had no one to send. She dared not trust it to Law, for
that would involve an explanation, and there was no one else at Lottie’s
command. A thought of Captain Temple floated across her mind; but how
could she employ him upon such an errand, which would involve a still
more difficult explanation? At last she burnt regretfully by the flame
of her candle the very last of these effusions, and decided that she
must trust to the chances of the morrow. She had promised to be at the
elm-tree in the morning to bid Rollo good-by. She must manage, then, to
get him to go away before matins were over and her father free. But it
was with an anxious heart that Lottie, when her candle burned out, crept
cold and troubled to bed, chilled to the bone, yet with a brow which
burned and throbbed with excitement. Law did not come in till after she
had fallen asleep. Law, whom she had watched over so anxiously, was, at
this crisis of Lottie’s personal history and his own, left entirely to
himself.
In the morning she managed to run out immediately after breakfast, just
as the air began to vibrate with the Abbey bells, and, after some
anxious waiting under the elm, at last, to her great relief, saw Rollo
coming. Lottie was not able to disguise her anxiety or her desire for
his departure. “Never mind speaking to me,” she said. “Do not waste
time. Oh, Rollo, forgive me--no, it is not to get rid of you,” she
cried, and then she told him the incident of last night.
Rollo’s eyes gave forth a gleam of disgust when he heard of the chance
of being stopped by Captain Despard to enquire his “intentions.” He
laughed, and Lottie thought instinctively that this was a sound of
merriment which she would never wish to hear again. But his face
brightened as he turned to Lottie, who was so anxious to save him from
this ordeal. “My faithful Lottie!” he said, pressing her close to him.
There was nobody stirring in the winterly morning; but yet day requires
more reserve than the early darkness of night.
“But go, go, Rollo. I want you to be gone before they are out of the
Abbey,” she cried, breathless.
“My dear love--my only love,” he said, holding both her hands in his.
“Oh, Rollo, is it not only for a day or two? You are so serious, you
frighten me--but go, go, that you may not meet anyone,” she said.
“Yes, it is only for a day or two, my darling,” he replied. “On Friday,
my Lottie, at five under this tree. You won’t fail me?”
“Never,” she said, with her blue eyes full of sweet tears. And then they
kissed in the eye of day, all the silent world looking on.
“No,” he said, with fervour--“never; you will never fail me; you will
always be true.”
And so they parted, she watching jealously while he took his way, not by
the common road, but down the windings of the Slopes, that he might be
safe, that no one might annoy him. “Till Friday!” he called to her in
the silence, waving his hand as he turned the corner out of her sight.
She drew a long breath of relief when she saw him emerge alone farther
down upon the road that led to the railway. The Signor was only then
beginning the voluntary, and Captain Despard evidently could not ask
Rollo Ridsdale his “intentions” that day. Lottie waved her hand to her
lover, though he was too far off to see her, and said to herself, “Till
Friday,” with a sudden realisation all of these words implied--another
life, a new heaven and a new earth; love, and tenderness, and worship
instead of the careless use and wont of the family; to be first instead
of last; to be happy and at rest instead of tormented at everybody’s
caprice; to be with Rollo, who loved her, always, for ever and ever,
with no more risk of losing him or being forgotten. Her heart overflowed
with sweetness, her eyes with soft tears of joy. Out of that enchanted
land she went back for a little while into common life, but not in any
common way. The sunshine, which had been slow to shine, broke out over
the Dean’s Walk as she emerged from under the shadow of the trees; the
path was cleared for her; the music pealed out from the Abbey.
Unconsciously her steps fell into a kind of stately movement, keeping
time. In her blessedness she moved softly on towards the shadow of the
house in which she had now but a few days to live--like a princess
walking to her coronation, like a martyr to her agony. Who could tell in
which of the two the best similitude lay?
CHAPTER XL.
THE EFFECT OF GOOD FORTUNE: LAW.
Law had left Mr. Ashford, not knowing, as the vulgar have it, if he
stood on his head or his heels. He had somewhat despised the Minor
Canon, not only as a clergyman and an instructor, intending to put
something into Law’s luckless brains, yet without force enough to do it
effectually, but as a man, much too mild and gentle to make any head
against the deceitfulness of mankind, and all those guiles and pretences
in which an unwilling student like Law knows himself so much more
profoundly informed than any of his pastors and teachers can be. The
sense of superiority with which such a youth, learned in all manner of
“dodges” and devices for eluding work, contemplates the innocent senior
who has faith in his excuses, was strong in Law’s mind towards his last
tutor, who was so much less knowing than any of the others, that he had
taken him “for nothing,” without even the pay which his earlier
instructor, Mr. Langton, had been supposed to receive: supposed--for
Captain Despard was paymaster, and he was not any more to be trusted to
for recollecting quarter-day than Law was to be trusted to for doing his
work. But Mr. Ashford had never said anything about pay. He had taken
Law for his sister’s sake, “for love,” as the young man said lightly;
taken him as an experiment, to see what could be made of him, and kept
him on without a word on either side of remuneration. This curious
conduct, which might have made the pupil grateful, had no such result,
but filled him instead with a more entire contempt for the intellects of
his benefactor. It is easy, in the estimation of young men like Law, to
be learned and wise in book-learning, yet a “stupid” in life; and if
anything could have made this fact more clear, it would have been the
irregularity of the business transaction as between a non-paying pupil
and a “coach” who gave just as much attention to him as if he had been
an important source of revenue. “What a soft he must be! What a stupid
he is,” had been Law’s standing reflection. But he had liked all the
same the object of his scorn, and had felt “old Ashford” to be “very
jolly,” notwithstanding his foolish believingness, and still more
foolish indifference to his own profit. It was this which had made him
go to the Minor Canon with such a frankness of appeal--but he had not
been in the least prepared for the reply he received. It took away his
breath. Though it was a superlative proof of the same “softness” which
had made Mr. Ashford receive a pupil who paid him nothing, the dazzled
youth could no longer regard it with contempt. Though he was tolerably
fortified against invasions of emotion, there was something in this
which penetrated to his heart. Suddenly, in a moment, to be lifted out
of his dull struggle with books which he could not understand, and
hopeless anticipation of an ordeal he could never pass, and to have the
desire of his heart given to him, without any trouble of his, without
price or reward, was all very wonderful to Law. At first he could not
believe it. To think “old Ashford” was joking--to think that a man so
impractical did not put the ordinary meaning into his words--this was
the first natural explanation; but when the Minor Canon’s first
recollection that “he knew a man” brightened into the prospect of money
to pay the young emigrant’s passage, and an actual beginning of his
career, Law did not know, as we have said, whether he was standing upon
solid ground or floating in the air. The happiness was almost too much
for him. He went up to London next day by Mr. Ashford’s suggestion, and,
at his cost, to learn all particulars about the voyage, but kept his own
secret until it had gained so much of solid foundation as the actual
sight of a ship which was bound for Australia, a printed account of the
times of sailing, and fares, and an outfitter’s list of indispensables,
could give; then, still dazzled by the sudden fulfilment of his wishes,
but feeling his own importance, and the seriousness of his position as a
future emigrant, Law had endeavoured to find an opportunity of
communicating the great news to Lottie, but had failed, as has been
seen. And having thus failed, and seeing in her none of the eager desire
to know what he was about, which he thought would have been natural in
circumstances so profoundly interesting, Law got up from the table and
went out with a certain sense of injury in his mind. He saw there was
“something up” in respect to his sister herself, but he did not take
very much interest in that. Yet he thought it curiously selfish of her,
almost incomprehensibly selfish, to ask no question, show no concern in
what was happening to him. He had said, “I am going to Australia!” but
had he said, “I am going to play football,” she could not have taken it
more calmly; and she had never asked a question since. What funny
creatures women are, one time so anxious about you, another time caring
nothing, Law said to himself; but he was not at all conscious that it
might have been natural for him too to take some interest in Lottie’s
affairs. He did not. It was some rubbish, he supposed, about that fellow
Ridsdale. He thought of the whole business with contempt. Far more
important, beyond all comparison, were those affairs which were his
own.
And when he went out, a little angry, irritated, but full of excitement
and elation, and eager to find somebody who would take due interest in
the story of his good fortune, where could Law’s footsteps stray but to
the place where they had turned so often in his idleness and
hopelessness? He had gone once before since the visit of Polly, and had
been confronted by Mrs. Welting, now established in the workroom, to the
confusion of all the little schemes of amusement by which the girls had
solaced the tedium of their lives. “Mother” had been glad enough to be
allowed to look after her house in quiet, and the rest of the family,
without troubling herself about her girls. But the sharp prick of
Polly’s denunciation had given Mrs. Welting new ideas of her duty. Would
she let it be said by an artful creature like that, who had done the
same thing herself, as _her_ daughters were laying themselves out to
catch a gentleman? Not for all the world! She would not have a girl of
hers marry a gentleman, not for anything, Mrs. Welting said. She forbade
the little expeditions they were in the habit of making in turns for
thread and buttons. She would not allow even the _Family Herald_. She
scolded “for nothing at all,” resenting her compulsory attendance there,
and banishment from her domestic concerns. The workroom was quite
changed. There was no jollity in it, no visitors, not half so much
chatter as had been carried on gaily while Polly was paramount. “She
took all the good herself, but she never could bear seeing anyone else
happy,” Emma said, who was doubly aggrieved. And it could not be said
that the work improved under this discipline. The moment altogether was
not happy; and when Law, by dint of wandering about the windows, and
whistling various airs known to the workroom, made his presence known,
Emma, when her mother withdrew, as she did perforce as the evening got
on, and it became necessary to look after the family supper, the younger
children, and her lodgers--came cautiously out to meet him, with a cloak
about her shoulders. “I haven’t got a moment to stay,” Emma said.
“Mother would take off my head if she found me out!” Yet she suffered
herself to be drawn a few steps from the door, and round the corner to
the riverside, where, on this wintry evening, there was nobody about,
and the river itself in the darkness was only discernible by the white
swell and foam round the piers of the bridge, by which it rushed on its
headlong passage to the weir. Here, now going, now coming, a few wary
steps at a time, awaiting a possible warning from the window of the
lighted workroom, the two wandered in the damp darkness, and Emma,
opening large eyes of astonishment, heard of all that was about to
happen. “Old Ashford has behaved like a brick,” Law said. “He is going
to give me introductions to people he knows, and he means to give me my
passage-money too, and something to begin upon!”
“Lor!” cried Emma, “what is it for? Is he going to marry your sister?”
Her attention was awakened, but she did not think she had anything to do
with it; she was so much afraid of not hearing any possible tap on the
window, or not having time to run home before her absence was
discovered.
“Now look here, Emma,” said Law. He did not speak with any enthusiasm of
tenderness, but calmly, as having something serious to propose. “If I go
away, you know, it’s for life; it’s not gone to-day and back to-morrow,
like a soldier ordered off to the Colonies. I’m going to make my living,
and my fortune, if I can, and settle there for life. No, nobody’s
knocking at the window. Can’t you give me your attention for a moment? I
tell you, if I go, it’s for life.”
“Lor!” said Emma, startled. “You don’t mean to say as you’ve come to say
good-bye, Mr. Law? and you as always said you were so true. But I do
believe none of you young men ever remembers nor thinks what he’s been
saying,” she added with a half whimper. A lover’s desertion is never a
pleasant thing in any condition of life.
“It’s just because of that I’m here,” said Law, sturdily. “I remember
all I’ve ever said. I’ve come to put it to you, Emma, straightforward.
I am going away, as I tell you, for life. Will you come with me? that’s
the question. There is not very much to spare, and there’s the outfit to
get, but it will go hard if I can’t draw old Ashford for your
passage-money,” said the grateful recipient of the Minor Canon’s bounty;
“and it would be a new start and a new life, and I’d do the best I could
for you. Emma, you must make up your mind quick, for there isn’t much
time. The boat sails--well, I can’t exactly tell you when she sails; but
in a fortnight or so----”
“A fortnight!” Emma cried, with a sense of dismay.
“Yes. We needn’t have a very grand wedding, need we? Emigrants must be
careful both of their money and their time.”
“Emigrants? I don’t know what you mean by emigrants--it don’t sound
much,” said the girl, with a cloud upon her face.
“No, it is not very fine. It means people that are going to settle far
away, on the other side of the world. Australia is--I don’t know how
many thousand miles away.”
“Can you go there by land?” said Emma. “You needn’t laugh--how was I to
know? Oh, I can’t abide going in a ship.”
“That’s a pity, for you can’t go in anything else. But it’s a fine big
ship, and every care taken. Look here, Emma, you must make up your mind.
Will you go?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” cried Emma; “I can’t tell; how long would you be in
the ship? It isn’t what I ever expected,” she said in a plaintive voice.
“A hurry, and a fuss, and then a long sea-voyage. Oh, I don’t think I
should like it, Mr. Law.”
“The question is, do you like me?” said Law, with a little thrill in his
deep yet boyish bass. “You couldn’t like the parting and all that--it
wouldn’t be natural; but do you like _me_ well enough to put up with it?
I don’t want you to do anything you don’t like, but when I go it will be
for good, and you must just make up your mind which you like best--to go
with me, though there’s a good deal of trouble, or to stay at home, and
good-bye to me for ever.”
At this, Emma began to cry. “Oh, I shouldn’t like to say good-bye for
ever,” she said; “I always hated saying good-bye. I don’t know what to
do; it would be good-bye to mother, and Ellen, and them all. And never
to come back again would be awful! I shouldn’t mind if it was for a year
or two years, but never to come back--I don’t know what to do.”
“We might come home on a visit, if we got very rich,” said Law, “or we
might have some of the others out to see us.”
“Oh, for a visit!” said Emma. “But they’d miss me dreadful in the
workroom. Oh, I wish I knew what to say.”
“You must choose for yourself--you must please yourself,” said Law, a
little piqued by the girl’s many doubts; then he softened again. “You
know, Emma,” he said, “when a girl gets married it’s very seldom she has
her own people near her, and I don’t know that it’s a good thing when
she has. People say, at least, husband and wife ought to be enough for
each other. And, supposing it was only to London, it would still be away
from them.”
“Oh, but it would be different,” cried Emma; “if one could come back now
and again, and see them all; but to live always hundreds of thousands of
miles away.”
“Not hundreds of thousands; but a long voyage that takes months----”
“Months!” Emma uttered a cry. “Too far to have mother if you were ill,”
she said, casting her mind over the eventualities of the future; “too
far, a deal too far for a trip to see one. I don’t think it would be
nice at all. Mr. Law, couldn’t you, oh, couldn’t you stop at home?”
“Perhaps you’d tell me what I should do if I stayed at home,” said Law,
not without a touch of contempt. “It’s more than I can tell. No, I can’t
stay at home. There is nothing I could do here. It is Australia or
nothing, Emma; you must make up your mind to that.”
“Oh, but I don’t see why you shouldn’t stay in London; there are always
places to be got there; you might look in the papers and see. Mother
used to get the _Times_ from the public-house, a penny an hour, when
Willie was out of a place. Did you ever answer any advertisement, or
try--really try?”
“All that is nothing to the purpose,” said Law, with some impatience.
“The advertisements may be all very well, but I know nothing about them.
I am going to Australia whether or not. I’ve quite made up my mind. Now
the thing is, will you come too?”
Emma did not know what answer to make. The going away was appalling, but
to lose her gentleman-lover, though he was banished from the workroom,
was a great humiliation. Then she could not but feel that there was a
certain excitement and importance in the idea of preparing for a sudden
voyage, and being married at seventeen, the first of the family. But
when she thought of the sea and the ship, and the separation from
everything, Emma’s strength of mind gave way. She could not do that. The
end was that, driven back and forward between the two, she at last
faltered forth a desire to consult “Mother” before deciding. Law, though
he was contemptuous of this weakness, yet could not say anything
against it. Perhaps it was necessary that a girl should own such a
subjection. “If you do, I can tell you beforehand what she will say,” he
cried. “Then Ellen; I’ll ask Ellen,” said Emma. “Oh, I can’t settle it
out of my own head.” And then the girl started, hearing the signal on
the window, and fled from him, breathless. “Mother’s come to shut up,”
she said. Law walked away, not without satisfaction, when this end had
been attained. He was more anxious to have the question settled than he
was anxious to have Emma. Indeed, he was not at all blind to the fact
that he was too young to marry, and that there were disadvantages in
hampering himself even in Australia with such a permanent companion.
Then, too, all that he could hope for from Mr. Ashford was enough for
his own outfit and passage, and he did not see how hers was to be
managed. But, still, Law had been “keeping company” with Emma for some
time, and he acknowledged the duties of that condition according to the
interpretation put upon it in the order to which Emma belonged. Clearly,
when good fortune came to a young man who was keeping company with a
young woman, it was right that he should offer her a share of it. If she
did not accept it, so much the better; he would have done what honour
required without any further trouble. As Law walked up the hill again,
he reflected that on the whole it would be much better if he were
allowed to go to Australia alone. No one could know how things would
turn out. Perhaps the man Mr. Ashford knew might be of little use,
perhaps he might have to go from one place to another; or he might not
succeed at first; or many things might happen which would make a wife an
undesirable burden. He could not but hope that things might so arrange
themselves as that Emma should drop back into her natural sphere in the
workroom, and he be left free. Poor little Emma! if this were the case,
he would buy her a locket as a keepsake off Mr. Ashford’s money, and
take leave of her with comfort. But in the other case, if she should
make up her mind to go with him, Law was ready to accept the
alternative. His good fortune put him doubly on his honour. He would
prefer to be free, yet, if he were held to it, he was prepared to do his
duty. He would not let her perceive that he did not want her. But, on
the whole, he would be much better satisfied if “Mother” interfered.
Having disposed of this matter, Law began to think of his outfit, which
was very important, wondering, by the way, if Emma went, whether her
family would provide hers? but yet keeping this question, as uncertain,
quite in the background. He recalled to himself the list he had got in
his pocket, with its dozens of shirts and socks, with no small
satisfaction. Was it possible that he could become the owner of all
that? The thought of becoming the owner of a wife he took calmly, hoping
he might still avoid the necessity; but to have such a wardrobe was
exciting and delightful. He determined to get Lottie to show him how to
mend a hole and sew on a button. To think that Lottie knew nothing about
his plans, and had never asked him what he meant, bewildered him when he
thought of it. What could be “up” in respect to her? Something like
anxiety crossed Law’s mind; at least, it was something as much like
anxiety as he was capable of--a mingling of surprise and indignation;
for were not his affairs a great deal more important than anything
affecting herself could be? This was the idea of both. Law was going to
Australia, but Lottie was going to be married, a still more important
event! and each felt that in heaven and earth no other such absorbing
interest existed. It must be said, however, for Lottie, that Law’s
whispered communication counted for nothing with her, since she knew no
way in which it could be possible. Wild hopes that came to nothing had
gleamed across his firmament before. How could he go to Australia? As
easy to say that he was going to the moon; and in this way it took no
hold upon her mind; while he, for his part, had no clue whatever to the
disturbing influence in Lottie’s thoughts.
CHAPTER XLI.
THE EFFECT OF GOOD FORTUNE: ROLLO.
The night after that decisive talk upon the Slopes was a trying one for
Rollo Ridsdale. He went home with the fumes of his resolution in his
mind. Now the die was cast. Whatever prudence might say against it, the
decision was made, and his life settled for him, partly by
circumstances, but much more by his personal will and deed. And he did
not regret what he had done. It was a tremendous risk to run; but he had
confidence that Lottie’s voice was as good as a fortune, and that in the
long run there would be nothing really imprudent in it. Of course it
must be kept entirely “quiet.” No indiscreet announcements in the
newspapers, no unnecessary publicity must be given to the marriage.
Whosoever was absolutely concerned should know; but for the general
public, what did it matter to them whether the bond which bound a man of
fashion to a celebrated singer was legitimate or not? Lottie would not
wish for society, she would not feel the want of society, and
particularly in the interval, while she was still not a celebrated
singer, it was specially necessary that all should be kept “quiet.” He
would take her to Italy, and it would be not at all needful to introduce
any stray acquaintance who might happen to turn up, to his wife. In
short, there was no occasion for introducing anyone to her. Lottie would
not want anything. She would be content with himself. Poor darling! what
wonderful trust there was in her! By this time he was able to half-laugh
at his own guilty intention, which she had so completely extinguished by
her inability to understand it, her perfect acceptance of it as all that
was honourable and tender. He was going to do the right thing
now--certainly the right thing, without any mistake about it; but still
that it should be made to look like the wrong thing, was the idea in
Rollo’s mind. He would take her to Italy and train her for her future
career; but neither at the present time nor in the future would it be
necessary to put the dots upon the i’s in respect to her position. As
for Lottie, he knew very well that she, having no doubt about her
position, would not insist upon any publication of it. It would never
once occur to her that there was any possibility of being misconstrued.
With these thoughts in his mind, Rollo dressed very hastily for dinner,
as he had lingered with Lottie to the last moment. And as it happened,
this was the very evening which Augusta chose for discussing openly the
subject to which she had, without speaking of it, already devoted all
her powers of research since she had arrived at home. In the evening
after dinner Rollo was the only one of the gentlemen who came into the
drawing-room. Augusta’s husband was an inoffensive and silent man, with
what are called “refined tastes.” For one thing he was in a mild way an
antiquary. He did not enter very much into his wife’s life, nor she into
his. She was fashionable, he had refined tastes; they were perfectly
good friends; and though not yet married six months, followed each their
own way. Spencer Daventry had gone to his father-in-law’s study
accordingly, to investigate some rare books, and his wife was in the
drawing-room alone--that is, not exactly alone, for Lady Caroline was
“on the sofa.” When Lady Caroline was on the sofa she did not trouble
anybody much, and even the coming in of the lamps had not disturbed her.
She had “just closed her eyes.” Her dress was carefully drawn over her
feet by Mrs. Daventry’s care, and a wadded _couvre-pied_ in crimson
satin laid over them. Augusta liked to see to every little decorum, and
would have thought the toe of her mother’s innocent shoe an improper
revelation. Perhaps it was by her orders that Mr. Daventry had not come
in. There was no company that evening, and when Rollo entered the
drawing-room, he saw at once that he had fallen into a trap. Augusta
sat on a comfortable chair by the fire, with a small table near her and
a lamp upon it. The other lights were far away, candles twinkling in the
distance on the piano, and here and there against the walls: but only
this one spot by the fire in warm and full light; and a vacant chair
stood invitingly on the other side of Augusta’s table. No more snug
arrangement for a _tête-à-tête_ could have been, for Lady Caroline was
nothing but a bit of still life--more still almost than the rest of the
furniture. Augusta looked up as her cousin came in, with a smile.
“Alone?” she said; “then come here, Rollo, and let us have a talk.”
Rollo would not have been Rollo if he had felt any repugnance to this
amusement. Needless to say that in their boy and girl days there had
been passages of something they were pleased to call love between the
cousins; and equally needless to add that all this had long been over,
both being far too sensible (though one had been led astray by Lottie,
to his own consternation and confusion) to think of any serious
conclusion to such a youthful folly. Rollo sat down with mingled
pleasure and alarm. He liked a confidential talk with any woman; but in
this case he was not without fear.
And his fears were thoroughly well founded as it turned out. After a
few preliminaries about nothing at all, Augusta suddenly plunged into
her subject.
“I am very glad,” she said, “to have a chance of speaking to you, by
ourselves. Mamma does not pay any attention; it is quite the same as if
she were not there. You know I’ve always taken a great interest in you,
Rollo. We are cousins, and we are very old friends--more like brother
and sister.”
“I demur to the brother and sister; but as old friends as memory can
go,” said he; “and very happy to be permitted all the privileges of a
cousin--with such a good fellow as Daventry added on.”
“Oh, yes. Spencer’s very nice,” said she. “He takes very kindly to my
people; but it is not about Spencer I want to talk to you, Rollo, but
about yourself.”
“That’s so much the better,” said Rollo; “for I might not have liked
bridal raptures, not being able, you know, Augusta, quite to forget----”
“Oh, that’s all nonsense,” said Augusta, with the faintest of blushes;
“bridal fiddlesticks! People in the world keep clear of all that
nonsense, heaven be praised. No, Rollo, it’s about yourself. I am very
anxious about you.”
“Angelic cousin!--but there is no cause for anxiety that I know of in
me.”
“Oh, yes, Rollo, there is great cause of anxiety. I must speak to you
quite frankly. When I was married you had never seen Lottie Despard----”
“Miss Despard!” He repeated the name in a surprised tone and with eyes
full of astonishment. He was glad of the opportunity of looking to the
buckles of his armour and preparing for the onset; and therefore he made
the surprise of the exclamation as telling as he could. “What can she
have to do with your anxiety?” he said.
“Yes, Lottie Despard. Oh, she has a great deal to do with it. Rollo, how
can you think that any good can come of such a flirtation either to you
or the girl?”
“Flirtation, Augusta?”
“Yes, flirtation, or something worse. Why do you always go to her
lessons? Oh, I know you always go. She can’t sing a bit, poor thing; and
it only fills her poor heart with vanity and nonsense; and you meet her
when you walk out. Don’t contradict me, please. Should I say so, if I
had not made quite sure? I know the view you men take of honour. You
think when a girl is concerned you are bound to deny everything. So you
may be sure I did not say it till I had made quite sure. Now, Rollo, I
ask you what can possibly come of anything of this kind? Of course you
only mean to amuse yourself; and of course it is the girl’s fault if she
gets herself talked about; for she must know as well as I do that there
can be nothing in it; but for all that----”
“You take away my breath,” said Rollo; “you seem to know so much better
than I do the things that have happened or are happening to myself.”
“I do,” said Augusta, “for I have been thinking about it, and you have
not. You have just done what was pleasant at the moment, and never taken
any thought. You are doing a great deal of harm to Lottie, poor thing,
filling her head with silly fancies, and turning her against people of
her own class. And suppose some really _nice_ girl were to turn up, some
one with money, what would she think of you, dangling for ever after a
young woman who is not even in society? I am taking it for granted that
it is only a silly flirtation: for as for anything worse,” said Augusta,
with severity, “it cannot be supposed for a moment that _I_ could speak
to you of that; but you know very well, Rollo, a man of the world, like
you, how very dreadful, how fatal all those sort of entanglements are,
even when you don’t look at them from a high moral point of view.”
“You make me out a pretty character,” said Rollo, with an angry smile.
“I never knew I was a Lovelace till now.”
“Oh, all you men are the same,” said Augusta, “if women will let you.
Women have themselves to thank when anything happens, for it is of ten
times more importance to them than it is to you. A man is none the worse
for things that would ruin a girl for ever. But, still, you are not in a
position to be careless of what people say. You have not a penny, Rollo;
and I don’t believe in your opera. The only way in which you will ever
have anything is by a suitable marriage. Suppose that any of your
relations were to find a really nice person for you, and you were to
spoil it all by a folly like this! That is how I look at it. To ruin
yourself for a girl’s pretty face! and her voice--when she can’t sing a
note!”
“Am I to infer that you have got a nice person for me?” said Rollo,
furious inwardly, yet keeping his temper, and turning the conversation
in this direction by way of diverting it from more dangerous subjects.
And then Augusta (drawing somewhat upon her imagination, it must be
allowed) told him of a very nice person indeed. Rollo listened, by way
of securing his escape; but by and by he got slightly interested, in
spite of himself. This really nice girl was coming to the Deanery for
two or three days. She had a hundred thousand pounds. She had heard of
Rollo Ridsdale, and already “took an interest” in him. It was perhaps
partly fiction, for the visit of this golden girl to the Deanery was not
by any means settled--but yet there was in it a germ of fact. “It is an
opportunity that never may occur again,” Augusta said, like a shop that
is selling off. And indeed it was a sale which she would have greatly
liked to negotiate, though Rollo was less the buyer than the piece of
goods of which sale was to be made.
A hundred thousand pounds! He could not help thinking of it later in the
evening, when he smoked his cigar, and as he went to bed. His affairs
seemed to him to be managed by some malign and tricky spirit. Just at
this moment, when he was pledged to the most imprudent marriage that
could be conceived, was it not just his luck that fate should take the
opportunity of dangling such a prize before him? A hundred thousand
pounds! Why was it not Lottie that had this money? or why, as she had no
money, had she been thrown in his way? To be sure she had a voice, which
was as good as a fortune, but not equal to a hundred thousand pounds.
However, he said to himself, there was no help for it now. All this
happened before the brief interview on the hill, which sent him off to
town before the hour he intended, and which proved to him, over and over
again, her trust in him, which was beyond anything he had ever dreamed
of. That she should guard him even from her father, that she should
believe in him, to the disdain of every safeguard which the vulgar mind
relied on, astonished, confounded, and impressed his mind beyond
description. To deceive her would be the easiest thing in the world,
but, at the same time, would it not be the most impossible thing, the
last that any man not a villain could do? And there was besides a
glimmering perception in Rollo’s mind that deception would only be
practicable up to a certain point, and that the scorn and horror and
indignation with which Lottie would turn upon the criminal who had
intended shame to her, would be something as much unlike the ordinary
rage of a wronged woman as her trust was beyond the ordinary suspicious
smoothness of ordinary belief. Shame and she had nothing to do with each
other. She might die in the agony of the discovery, but first her eyes,
her lips, the passion of her indignant purity would slay. With a deep
regret he thought of the easier tie. Augusta’s words had been those of a
silly woman when she spoke of fatal entanglements. On the contrary,
marriage was the fatal thing. The other--what harm would it have done?
None to Lottie in her career; no one would have thought any the worse of
her. People would be sure to suppose that something of the kind had
occurred in a singer’s life, whether it was true or not. It would have
done her no harm; and it would not have done Rollo any harm. To think of
it as fatal was the greatest folly. On the contrary, they would have
been of use to each other now, and after they would each have been free
to consult their own interests. He could not help thinking very
regretfully of this so easy, agreeable expedient, which would have been
anything but fatal. To be sure, this was not, as Augusta said, a high
moral point of view; but Rollo did not pretend to be a moralist. All
these thoughts poured through his mind again as he went to London, with
the full intention of getting a license for his marriage, and making all
the arrangements which would bind Lottie to him as his wife. He was
obliged to do this; he could not help himself. Much rather would he have
done anything else--taken the other alternative--but it was not
possible. There was but this one thing to do--a thing which put it
entirely out of his power for ever and ever to consider the claims of
any really nice person with a hundred thousand pounds at her disposal.
Rollo did not pretend to himself that he took the decisive step with any
satisfaction. He was no triumphant bridegroom; but he was a true lover,
and not a villain, and regretfully but steadfastly he gave himself up to
what he had to do.
It was too late to do anything in respect to the license when he arrived
in town, but there were many other things to be settled, in order to
make a considerably long absence practicable, and these he arranged in
his own mind as he approached his journey’s end. For one thing, he had
the funds to provide; and that, as will be readily perceived, was no
small matter. He walked out of the railway station, pondering this in
his mind. It was a grave question, not one to be lightly solved. He did
not want to return to town till the season should have begun. No doubt
five months’ honeymooning would bore any man, but he felt it to be too
important to think of mere personal amusement; and he could always make
expeditions himself to more lively places, and get a share of any
amusement that might be going, when he had settled down Lottie to her
studies, under the best masters that were to be had. All this was quite
easily settled; but for an absence of five months, if you have not any
income to speak of, it is necessary to have an understanding with your
bankers, or somebody else. He meant to try his bankers, for his
confidence in Lottie’s future success was extreme, and he felt justified
in speaking of it as money which his future wife would be entitled to.
All these plans he was laying very deliberately in his head, calculating
how much he would need, and various other particulars, when the face of
a man approaching in a hansom suddenly struck him. It was Rixon, his
father’s confidential servant, a man who had been in Lord Courtland’s
service as long as anybody could recollect. What was he doing there? The
hansom was directing its course towards the railway from which Rollo
had just come, and Rixon’s countenance was of an extreme gravity. What
could it mean? Could anything have happened? Rollo saw the hansom pass,
but its occupant did not see him. He could not banish from his thoughts
the idea that something must have happened--that it was to tell him
something, some news more or less terrible that Rixon was on his way to
the railway which went to St. Michael’s. After a moment’s hesitation he
turned and went back to the station, not being able to divest himself of
this idea. To be sure Rixon might be going somewhere on business of his
own; he might be looking grave about his own affairs. Still Rollo turned
and went back; in any case it was best to know. The man was standing
among several others, waiting to take his ticket for the train, when
Rollo re-entered the station; he was getting his money out of his pocket
to pay his fare; but looking up as he did this, Rixon started, put his
money back, and immediately disengaged himself from the _queue_. It was
then a message from home of sufficient importance to be sent by special
envoy. Rollo had time to examine this bearer of ill-news as he
approached. What but ill-news was ever so urgent? special messengers do
not travel about to stray sons of a family with news of birth or bridal.
There is but one thing which calls for such state, and that is death.
Rollo ran over all the chances in a moment, in his mind. His father--if
it were his father there would be a little delay, a little ready money,
more need than ever, and a very good excuse, for keeping everything
quiet. It was not absolute want of feeling that suggested this thought.
If it was his father there would be many reasons for being sorry. Home,
with your brother at the head of affairs, is not home like your father’s
house. And Lord Courtland, though his second son had worn out his
kindness, was still kind more or less. Rollo was not insensible; he felt
the dull consciousness of a blow before he received it, as he fixed his
eyes upon Rixon’s mournful countenance, and the band on his hat.
“What is the matter?” he said, as the man approached. “What has
happened? You were going to me? Tell me at once what it is.”
“I beg your pardon, Sir,” said Rixon, with the perpetual apology of a
well-bred servant. “Yes, Sir, I was going to St. Michael’s. My lord sent
me to tell you----”
“Thank heaven, that it is not my father! You mean that my father sent
you? That is a relief,” said Rollo, drawing a long breath.
“Yes, my--Sir!” said Rixon, with confusion, “My lord is in the enjoyment
of perfect health--at least as good as is compatible with the great
misfortune, the catastrophe that has--snatched----”
“What do you mean?” said Rollo. Rixon was fond of long words. He
laughed, “You are always mysterious. But if my father is all right----”
“Oh, don’t! my--don’t, Sir!” said the man, “laughing is not what ought
to be on your lips at such a moment. Your brother has had an
accident----”
“My brother--Ridsdale? Good heavens! Can’t you speak out? What has
happened?” said Rollo, with blanched cheeks. Horror, fear, hope, all
sprung up within him, indistinguishable the one from the other. The
moment seemed a year during which he stood waiting for Rixon’s next
words.
“It is too true, my lord,” said the man, and the address threw around
Rollo a sudden gleam of growing light. “Your brother had a terrible
accident on the hunting-field. His horse stumbled on King’s Mead, at
that bad fence by Willowbrook. He was taken up insensible, and died
before he could be got home. Things are in a terrible state at
Courtlands. I was sent to let your lordship know. My lord would be glad
if you would come home at once.”
Rollo staggered back, and put himself against the wall. A cold moisture
burst out over him. He grew so pale that Rixon thought he was going to
faint. The man said afterwards that he could not have believed that Mr.
Ridsdale had so much feeling. And partly it was feeling as Rixon
thought. For the first moment the thought that his brother, upon whom
fate had always smiled--Ridsdale! _Ridsdale!_--the very impersonation of
prosperity and good fortune, should be lying dead, actually dead, at his
age, with all his prospects, appalled him. It seemed too much,
unnatural, beyond all possibility of belief. Then the blood rushed back
through all his veins with a flush and suffusion of sudden heat. The
change alarmed the messenger of so much evil and so much good. He put
out his hand to support his young master. “My lord, my lord!” he said
(they were words which Rixon loved to repeat, and which added to his own
dignity as a gentleman’s gentleman), “remember your father; now that
your lamented brother is gone, all his lordship’s trust is in you.”
Rollo waved his hand, not caring for the moment to speak. “Let me
alone!” he said. “Let me alone! leave me to myself.” And it did not take
him long to recover and shake off the horrible impression, and realise
the astounding change that had occurred. Perhaps it is not possible that
the death of a brother, which produces so extraordinary and beneficial a
change in the situation and prospects of the next in succession, can be
regarded with the natural feeling which such an event uncomplicated by
loss or gain of a pecuniary kind calls forth. There was a sudden shock,
then a consciousness that something was expected from him, some show of
grief and profound distress; and then a bewildering, overwhelming,
stupefying, yet exciting realisation of the change thus suddenly
accomplished in himself. He was no longer merely Rollo, a fashionable
adventurer, dealing in every kind of doubtful speculation, and
legitimatised gambling, a man of no importance to anyone, and free to
carry out whatever schemes might come into his head; but now--an
altogether different person--Lord Ridsdale, his father’s heir; the
future head of a great family; a future peer; and already endowed with
all the importance of an heir-apparent. The world seemed to go round and
round with Rollo, and when it settled again out of the whirling and pale
confusion as of an earthquake, it was not any longer the same world. The
proportion of things had changed in the twinkling of an eye. The distant
and the near had changed places. What was close to him before receded;
what was far away became near. In the hurry of his thoughts he could not
even think. Pain mingled with everything, with the giddiness of a
strange elation, with the bewilderment of a surprise more startling than
any that had ever come to him before in all his life. Ridsdale!--he who
had always been so smiling and prosperous; he to whom everything was
forgiven; whose sins were only peccadilloes; whose lightest schoolboy
successes were trumpeted abroad, whose movements were recorded
where-ever he went; it was inconceivable that he should be lying--dead;
inconceivable that Rollo, the detrimental, the one in the family whom
all disapproved of, should be put in his place, and succeed to all his
privileges and exemptions. It did not seem possible. It needed Rixon
saying my lord to him at every moment, to make the curious fiction seem
true. Rixon got a cab to drive his young master to the other station, by
which he must go to Courtlands; and Rollo--leaving all his former life
behind him, leaving his license, his marriage, his bride, in the
opposite direction, fading into misty spectres--turned his back upon all
that had been most important to him half an hour ago, and drove away.
He went through that day like a dream--the whole course of his existence
turned into another channel. He got home, rolling up to the familiar
door with sensations so different from any that had ever moved him when
entering that door before. He looked at it this time with a feeling of
proprietorship. It had been his home for all his early life; but now it
was going to be _his own_, which is very different. He looked at the
very trees with a different feeling, wondering why so many should be
marked for cutting down. What had they been doing to want to get rid of
so many trees? When he went into the room where his brother lay dead, it
was to him as if a waxen image lay there, as if it were all a skilful
scene, arranged to make believe that such a change, one man substituted
for another, could be _real_. To Rollo it did not seem to be real. It
was the younger son who had died, with all his busy schemes--his plans
for the future, his contrivances to get money, and the strange
connections which he had formed. Rollo, who was the founder of the new
opera, the partner of the bustling manager; it was he who was lying on
that bed. All his plans would be buried with him--his Bohemianism, his
enterprises, his----. What was it that the poor fool had gone in for,
the last of all his undertakings, the thing in which he had been happily
arrested ere he could harm himself or embarrass the family?--his
love----. It was when standing by the bed on which his brother lay dead
that this thought suddenly darted into the new Lord Ridsdale’s mind. He
turned away with a half groan. Providence had interposed to prevent that
foolish fellow from consummating his fate. He had not yet reached the
highest pitch of folly when the blow fell. Something there was which the
family had escaped. When the key was turned again in the door, and he
went back to another darkened room and heard all about the accident, it
was almost on his lips to contradict the speakers, and tell them it was
not Ridsdale that was dead. But he did not do so. He preserved his
decorum and seriousness. He was “very feeling.” Lord Courtland, who had
been afraid of his son’s levity, and had trembled lest Rollo, who had
never been on very intimate terms with his brother, should show less
sorrow than was becoming, was deeply satisfied. “How little we know what
is in a man till he’s tried,” he said to his sister, Lady Beatrice. Lady
Courtland, the mother of the young man, was happily long ago dead.
Thus, after setting out in the morning--full of tender ardour,
notwithstanding his many doubts--to make the arrangements for his
marriage, Rollo found himself at night one of the chief mourners in a
house full of weeping. It was late at night when he got to his own room,
and was able really to set himself to consider his own affairs. Which
were his own affairs? The cares of the head of the family, the earl’s
heir and right hand--or those strangely different anxieties which had
been in the mind of the second son? When he sat down to think it over,
once more there came a giddiness and bewilderment over Rollo’s being. He
seemed scarcely able to force back upon himself the events which had
happened at St. Michael’s only this morning. The figure of Lottie
appeared to him through the mist, far, far away, dimly apparent at the
end of a long vista. Lottie. What had he intended to do? He had meant to
get a license for his marriage to her, to arrange how he could get
money--if money was to be had by hook or by crook--to see about the
tickets for their journey, to decide where to go to--even to provide
travelling-wraps for his bride. All this he had come to London to do
only this morning, and now it almost cost him an effort to recollect
what it was. He would have been glad to evade the subject, to feel that
he had a right to rest after such a fatiguing day; but the revolution in
and about him was such that he could not rest. St. Michael’s and all its
scenes passed before him like dissolving views, fading off into the
mist, then rising again in spectral indistinctness. He could not think
they belonged to him, or that the central figure in all these pictures
was his own. Was it not rather his brother--he who had died? It seemed
to Lord Ridsdale that he was settling Rollo’s affairs for him, thinking
what was best to be done. He had been horribly imprudent, and had
planned a still greater imprudence to come, when death arrested him in
mid-career; but, Heaven be praised, the heedless fellow had been stopped
before he committed himself! Rollo shuddered to think what would have
happened had the family been hampered by a wife. A wife! What a fool he
had been; what a dream he had been absorbed in; folly, unmitigated,
inexcusable; but, thank Heaven, he had been stopped in time.
Lottie--that was her name, and she had been very fond of him; poor girl,
it would be a great disappointment for her. Thus Rollo thought, not
feeling that he had anything to do with it. It was all over, so
completely over, that there was scarcely a struggle in his mind,
scarcely any controversy with himself, on the subject. No advocate,
heavenly or diabolical, spoke on Lottie’s behalf. The whole affair was
done with--it was impossible--there was no room even for consideration.
For Lord Ridsdale to marry a nameless girl, the highest possibility in
whose lot was to become a singer, and who had to be educated before even
that was practicable, was not to be thought of. It was a bad thing for
the poor girl; poor thing! no doubt it was hard upon her.
Thus--was it any doing of Rollo’s? Providence itself opened a door of
escape for him from his unwary folly. Law did not act in the same way;
when good fortune came to him, by a mere savage and uncultivated
sentiment of honour, he had gone to the girl who had been his sweetheart
to propose that she should share it. Lord Ridsdale, however, was not of
this vulgar strain. The savage virtues were not in his way--they were
not possible in his circumstances. _Noblesse oblige_; he could not raise
Lottie to the sublime elevation of the rank he had so unexpectedly
fallen into. That was not possible. The matter was so clear that it
barred all question. There was not a word to be said on her side.
Nevertheless, had it not been for all the trouble about poor Ridsdale’s
funeral, and the attentions required by the father, whose manner had so
entirely changed to his surviving son, and who was now altogether
dependent upon him--the new heir to the honours of the Courtland family
might have broken off with his old love in a more considerate way. But
he had no time to think. The very day had come before he could
communicate with her; and then it had to be done abruptly. And, after
all, a little more or less, what did it matter? The important point, for
her sake especially, was that the change should be perfectly definite
and clear. Poor Lottie! he was so sorry for her. It would be better,
much better for her to hate him now, if she could; and, above all, it
was the kindest thing to her to make the disruption distinct, beyond all
possibility either of doubt or of hope.
CHAPTER XLII.
--“TILL FRIDAY.”
Captain Despard put on his best coat after his return from the Abbey on
the morning of Rollo’s departure. He brushed his hat with more than his
usual care; he found, after much investigation, among what he called his
papers, an ancient and shabby card-case: and thus equipped set forth on
his solemn mission. He had a bit of red geranium in his button-hole
which looked cheerful against the damp and gloom of the morning. Polly,
looking out after him, thought her Captain a finished gentleman, and
felt a swell of pride expand her bosom--of pride and of anxiety as
well--for if, by good fortune, the Captain should succeed in his
mission, then Polly felt that there would be a reasonable chance of
getting “her house to herself.” Lottie’s proud withdrawal from all the
concerns of the house had indeed given her step-mother a great deal less
trouble than she had expected; but she could not escape from the idea of
Lottie’s criticism; and the sight of the girl, sitting there, looking as
if she knew better, though she never said anything, was to Polly as
gall and wormwood. If she would have spoken, there would have been less
harm. Mrs. Despard was always ready for a conflict of tongues, and knew
that she was not likely to come off second best; but Lottie’s silence
exasperated her; and it was the highest object of her desires to get her
house to herself. Lottie was coming down the Dean’s Walk, calm, and
relieved, and happy, after seeing her lover make his way down the
Slopes, when the Captain turned towards the cloisters. Her heart gave a
jump of irritation and excitement, followed by a gleam of angry
pleasure. This mission, which was an insult to her and to Rollo alike,
would be a failure, thank Heaven; but still it was a shame that it
should ever have been undertaken. Oh, how unlike, she thought, the
perfect trust and faith that was between them, to intrude this vulgar
inquiry, this coarse interference, into the perfection of their love! It
brought the tears to Lottie’s eyes to think how ready he was to throw
prudence to the winds for her sake, to accept all the risks of life
rather than leave her to suffer; the only question between them being
whether it was right for her to accept such a sacrifice. Lottie did not
think of the approval of his family as she ought to have done, and as
for the approval of her own, though the secret vexed her a little, yet
she was glad to escape from the noisy congratulations to which she would
have been subjected, and her father’s unctuous satisfaction had her
prospects been known. A few days longer, and the new wife whose presence
was an offence to Lottie would have her house to herself. The two, upon
such opposite sides, used the very same words; Lottie, too, was thankful
above measure that Mrs. Despard would have her house to herself. She
calculated the days--Wednesday, Thursday, Friday; Friday was the day on
which she was to meet him, in the afternoon, while all the world at St.
Michael’s was at the afternoon service, and when the Signor, on the
organ, which had been the accompaniment to all the story of their love,
would be filling the wintry air with majestic and tender and solemn
sound. She seemed to hear the pealing of that wonderful symphony, and
Rollo’s voice against it, like a figure standing out against a noble
background, telling her all he had done, and when and how the crowning
event of their story was to be. Her heart was beating loudly, yet
softly, in Lottie’s breast. Supreme expectation, yet satisfaction, an
agitated calm, a pathetic happiness, feelings too exquisite in their
kind to be without a touch of pain, filled all her being. The happiness
she had most prized all her life was to have her ideal fulfilled in
those she loved; and was it possible that any man could have more nobly
done what a true lover should do, than Rollo was doing it? She was
happy, in that he loved her above prudence and care and worldly
advantage; but she was almost happier in that this generosity, this
tender ardour, this quick and sudden action of the deliverer, was all
that poet could have asked or imagination thought of. These were her
fancies, poor girl; the fancies of a foolish, inexperienced creature,
knowing nothing--and far enough from the truth that the charitable may
forgive her, Heaven knows!
When she went in, Polly called her, with a certain imperiousness. She
was on her way to her room, that sole bower of safety; but this Mrs.
Despard had made up her mind not to allow. “You may show me those scales
you were speaking of,” said Polly. “I daresay I’ll remember as soon as I
see them. It will take up your attention, and it will take up my
attention till your pa comes back. I’m that full of sympathy (though it
can’t be said as you deserve it), that though I have nothing to do with
it, I am just as anxious as you are.”
“I am not anxious,” Lottie said proudly; but she would not condescend to
say more. She brought out an old music-book with easy lessons for a
beginner, at which she had herself laboured in her childhood, and placed
it before her scholar. The notes were like Hebrew and Greek to Polly,
and she could not twist her fingers into the proper places; these
fingers were not like a child’s pliable joints, and how to move each
one separately was a problem which she could not master. She sat at the
piano with the greatest seriousness, striking a note a minute, with much
strain of the unaccustomed hand--and now and then looking up jealously
to see if her instructress was laughing at her; but Lottie was too
preoccupied to smile. She heard her father coming back in what she felt
to be angry haste; and then, with her heart beating, listened to his
step upon the stairs. At this Polly too was startled, and jumping up
from her laborious exercise, snatched the old music-book from its place
and opened it at random at another page.
“Me and Miss Lottie, we’ve been practising our duet,” she said. “La,
Harry! is that you back so soon?”
“The fellow’s gone,” said Captain Despard, throwing down his hat and
cane; that hat which had been brushed for nothing, which had not even
overawed Mr. Jeremie, who gazed at him superciliously, holding the
Deanery door half open, and not impressed at all by the fine manners of
the Chevalier. “The fellow’s gone! He did not mean to go yesterday, that
odious menial as good as confessed. He has heard I was coming, and he
has fled. There could not be a worse sign. My poor child! Lottie!” said
the Captain, suddenly catching a gleam of something like enjoyment in
her eyes, “you do not mean to tell me that you were the traitor. You!
Was it you told him? You may be a fool, but so great a fool as _that_
couldn’t be!”
Lottie scorned to deny what she had done. She was too proud and too rash
to think that she was betraying herself by the acknowledgment. She met
her father’s eye with involuntary defiance. “You would not listen to
me,” she said, “and I could not bear it. It was a disgrace; it was
humbling me to the dust. I warned him you were coming----” As she spoke
she suddenly perceived all that was involved in the confession, and grew
crimson-red, and then pale.
“So, miss,” said Polly, “you’re nicely caught. Keeping company all this
time, and never to say a word to nobody; but if I were your pa, you
shouldn’t be let off like that. Was it for nothing but a bit of fun
you’ve been going on with the gentleman? That’s carrying it a deal too
far, that is. And when your pa takes it in hand to bring him to the
point, you ups and tells him, and frightens him away! I’d just like to
know--and, Harry, I’d have you to ask her--what she means by it? What do
you mean by it, miss? Do you mean to live on here for ever, and eat us
out of house and home? If you won’t work for your living, nor do
anything to get an ’usband, I’d just like to know what you mean to do?”
“Hold your tongue,” said her husband. “Let her alone. It is I that must
speak. Lottie, is it really true that you have betrayed your father?
You have separated yourself from me and put yourself on the side of a
villain!”
“Mr. Ridsdale is not a villain,” said Lottie, passionately. “What has he
done? He has done nothing that can give you any right to interfere with
him. I told him, because I would not have him interfered with. He has
done nothing wrong.”
“He has trifled with my child’s affections,” said the Captain. “He has
filled our minds with false expectations. By Jove, he had better not
come in the way of Harry Despard, if that’s how he means to behave. I’ll
horsewhip the fellow--I’ll kill him; I’ll show him up, if he were twenty
times the Dean’s nephew. And you, girl, what can anyone say to
you--never thinking of your own interest, or of what’s to become of you,
as Mrs. Despard says?”
“Her own interest!” cried Polly. “Oh, she’ll take care of herself, never
fear. She knows you won’t turn her to the door, Harry. You’re too soft,
and they knows it. They’ll hang upon you and eat up everything you have,
till you have the courage to tell them as you won’t put up with it. Oh,
you needn’t turn upon me, Miss Lottie. As long as there was a chance of
a good ’usband I never said a word; but when you goes and throws your
chance away out of wilful pride, then I’m bound to speak. Your poor pa
has not a penny, and all that he has he wants for himself; and I want
my house to myself, Harry; you always promised I was to have my house to
myself. I don’t want none of your grown-up daughters, as think
themselves a deal better than me. I think I will go out of my mind with
Miss Lottie’s lessons, and Mr. Law’s lessons, and all the rest. I never
would have married you--you know I shouldn’t--if I hadn’t thought as I
was to have my house to myself.”
“My love,” said the Captain, deprecatingly, “you know it is not my
fault. You know that if I could I would give you everything. I had very
good reason to think----”
“Papa,” said Lottie, who had been standing by trembling, but less with
fear than passionate disgust and anger, “do you agree in what she says?”
“Of course he agrees,” says Polly. “He hasn’t got any choice; he’s
obliged to say the same as me. He promised me when I married him as you
shouldn’t be long in my way. He told me as you was going to be married.
One girl don’t like another girl for everlasting in her road; and you
never took no trouble to make yourself agreeable, not even about the
music. Harry, do you hear me? Speak up, and say the truth for once. Tell
her if she goes on going against me and you, and all we do for her, like
this, that you won’t have her here.”
“My child,” said the Captain, who, to do him justice, was by no means
happy in his task, “you see me in a difficult position, a most difficult
position. What can I say? Mrs. Despard is right. When I married it was
my opinion that you, too, would soon make a happy and brilliant
marriage. How far that influenced me I need not say. I thought you would
be established yourself, and able to help your brother and--and even
myself. I’m disappointed, I cannot deny it; and if you have now, instead
of fulfilling my expectations, done your best, your very best, to
balk----”
The Captain hesitated and faltered, and tried to swagger, but in vain.
He had the traditions of a gentleman lingering about him, and Lottie was
his child, when all was said. He could not look at her, or meet her
eyes; and Lottie, for her part, who could see nothing but from her own
side of the question, who did not at all realise his, nor recognise any
extenuating circumstances in the plea that he had thought her about to
marry, so blazed upon him with lofty indignation as to have altogether
consumed her father had he been weak enough to look at her. She did not
even glance at Polly, who stood by, eager to rush into the fray.
“In that case,” she said, with a passionate solemnity, “you shall be
satisfied, papa. A few days and you shall be satisfied. I will not ask
any shelter from you after--a few days.”
Though it was happiness Lottie looked forward to, and there could no
longer in this house be anything but pain and trouble for her, these
words seemed to choke her. To leave her father’s house thus; to make the
greatest of changes in her life, thus; all Lottie’s sense of what was
fit and seemly was wounded beyond description. She turned away,
listening to none of the questions which were showered upon her. “What
did she mean? Where was she going? When did she intend to go? What was
she thinking of?” To all these Lottie made no reply; she did not even
wait to hear them, but swept away with something of the conscious
stateliness of the injured, which it is so hard for youth to deny
itself. Heaven knows her heart was full enough; yet there was in
Lottie’s deportment, as she swept out of the room, perhaps a touch of
the injured heroine, a suggestion of a tragedy queen.
She went into her own room, where she found consolation very speedily in
such preparations for her departure as she could make. She took out her
white muslin dress, the simple garment which was so associated with
thoughts of Rollo, and spent an hour of painful yet pleasant
consideration over it, wondering how it could be made to serve for
Saturday. Such a marriage made the toilette of a bride impossible; but
Lottie could not bear the thought of standing by her lover’s side, and
pledging him her faith, in her poor little brown frock which she had
worn all the winter past. She thought that, carefully pinned up under
her cloak, she might wear this, her only white gown, to be a little like
a bride. It had been washed, but it had not suffered much. The folds
might be a little stiffer and less flowing than before they had
undergone the indignity of starch; but still they were fresh and white,
and Lottie did not think it would be noticed that the dress was not new.
Perhaps it was more appropriate that in her poverty and desolation she
should go to him in the gown she had worn, not in one made new and
lovely, as if there were people who cared. “Nobody cares,” she said to
herself, but without the usual depression which these words convey. She
filled up the bodice of her little dress, which had been made open at
the throat for evening use, and made it fit close. She put her pearl
locket upon a bit of white ribbon. Doing this consoled her for the pangs
she had borne. All the money she had of her own was one sovereign, which
she had kept from the time of her mother’s death as a last supreme
resource in case of emergency; surely she might use it now. Taking this
precious coin from the little old purse in which it was put away, in the
deepest corner of an old Indian box, purse and box and coin all coming
from her mother, Lottie went out to make a few purchases. She was
forlorn, but her heart was light. She went down to the great shop not
far from the Abbey gates, of which St. Michael’s was proud, and bought
some tulle and white ribbons. Poor child! her heart yearned for a little
sprig of orange-blossom, but she did not venture to ask for anything
that would betray her. It seemed to Lottie that she met everybody in the
place as she went home with her little parcel in her hand. She met Mr.
Ashford, for one, who was greatly surprised that she did not stop to
speak to him about Law, and who was, indeed, to tell the truth, somewhat
disappointed and chagrined that his liberality to his pupil had as yet
met with no response except from that pupil himself. The Minor Canon
looked at her wistfully; but Lottie, being full of her own thoughts, did
nothing but smile in reply to his bow. Then she met Captain Temple, who,
less shy, came to her side eagerly, complaining and upbraiding her that
she had deserted him.
“I never see you,” said the old man, “and my wife says the same, who
takes so much interest in you. We hope, my dear,” he said, kind yet half
vexed with her, “that all is going better--going well now?”
“Indeed it is not, Captain Temple,” Lottie said, tears coming suddenly
to her eyes. She could not but wonder what he would think of her if he
knew--if he would disapprove of her; and this sudden thought brought a
look of anxiety and sudden emotion into her face.
“My poor child!” cried the old Chevalier. The ready moisture sprang to
his eyes also. “Lottie,” he said, “my wife takes a great interest in
you; she would be very fond of you if she knew you better. Come to us,
my dear, and we will take care of you.” He said it with the fervour of
uncertainty, for he was not sure, after all, how far he could calculate
on his wife, and this gave a tremulous heat to his proposition.
But Lottie shook her head and smiled, though the tears were in her eyes.
Oh, if she only dared to tell him what was the deliverance which was so
near! He went with her to her door, repeating to her this offer of
service.
“You might be like our own child,” he said. “My wife cannot talk of
it--but she would be very fond of you, my dear, when she knew you. If
things go on badly, you will come to us?--say you will come to us,
Lottie.”
And while these words were in her ears, old Mrs. Dalrymple came out to
her door, to ask if Lottie would not come in, if she would come to
tea--if she would stay with them for a day or two.
“It is only next door, to be sure; but it would be a change,” the old
lady said. The ladies in the Lodges had forgiven her for her foolish
pride, and for the notice the great people had taken of her, and for all
the signs of discontent that Lottie had shown on her first coming to the
Abbey. Now that the girl was in trouble they were all good to her,
compassionate of her forlorn condition, and making common cause with her
against the infliction of the stepmother, who was an insult to every one
of them. There was not one Chevalier’s wife who was not personally
insulted, outraged in her most tender feelings, by the intrusion of
Polly, and this quickened their sympathies to the poor girl, who was the
most cruelly injured of all.
When Mrs. O’Shaughnessy saw the little group at her neighbour’s door,
she too came out. “It’s her own fault, my dear lady, if she ever eats a
meal there,” said Mrs. O’Shaughnessy; “me and the Major, we are both as
fond of her as if she was our own.”
Lottie stood amongst them and cried softly, taking care that her tears
did not drop upon the little parcel with the tulle, which was connected
with still dearer hopes.
“I don’t deserve that you should all be so good to me,” she said. And
indeed it was true; for Lottie had been very haughty in her time to the
kind people who forgave her in her trouble.
Thus it was that she shared the dinner of the good O’Shaughnessys, and
only went home in the afternoon, after Polly and the Captain had been
seen to go out; when Lottie shut herself up in her room, and with much
excitement began the “confection” for which she had bought the
materials. It is needless to say that with so little money as she had
ever had, Lottie had learnt, _tant bien que mal_, to make most of her
own articles of apparel. How she had sighed to have her dresses come
home all complete from the dressmaker’s, like Augusta Huntington’s! but
as sighing did no good, Lottie had fitted herself with her gowns, and
trimmed her little straw hats, and the occasional bonnet which she
permitted herself for going to church in, since ever she was able to use
her needle and her scissors. She had never, however, made anything so
ambitious as the little tulle bonnet which she meant to be married in.
She would have preferred a veil, could anyone doubt? but with no better
tiring-room than the waiting-room at the railway, how was she to put
herself into a veil? She had to give up that idea with a sigh. But, her
pale cheeks glowing with two roses, and her blue eyes lighted up with
the fires of invention, she sat all the afternoon, with her door locked,
making that bonnet. If she but had a little sprig of orange-blossom to
mark what it meant! but here Lottie’s courage failed her. _That_ she
could not venture to buy.
In this way the days glided on till Friday came. Lottie packed up the
things she cared for--the few books, the little trifling possessions of
no value, which yet were dear to her to be removed afterwards, and put
up her little bonnet (bonnets were worn very small, the fashion books
said) in a tiny parcel which she could carry in her hand. Thus all her
preparations were made. When she was not in her room making these last
arrangements, she was out of doors--in the Abbey or on the Slopes--or
with the friends who sought her so kindly, and gave her such meals as
she would accept, and would have given her a great many more,
overwhelmed her, indeed, with eating and drinking if she would have
consented. To some of these Lottie allowed herself the privilege of
saying that it was only for a few days she should remain in her father’s
house. She would not tell where she was going; to friends--yes,
certainly to friends; but she would not say any more. This gave great
relief to the minds of the Chevaliers generally, except to Captain
Temple, who did not like it. The announcement even drew from him
something like a reproach to his wife.
“If you had come forward--if you had gone to her when she was in
trouble,” he said, “we might have had a child again to comfort us.” The
old Captain was sadly put out, and did nothing but roam about all the
day restless and lamenting. He went to the Signor’s to hear what Lottie
thought would be her last lesson, and thus bemoaned himself.
“Going away!” the Signor said in great surprise; and Lottie sang so well
that day that the musician felt the desertion doubly. She sang fitfully
but finely, saying to herself all the time, “To-morrow--to-morrow!” and
taking her leave, as she supposed, joyfully, regretfully of Art. That
day Lottie thought nothing whatever about Art. Her spirit was moved to
its very depths. To-morrow the man whom she loved was coming to take her
away from all that was petty, all that was unlovely in her life. From
the hardness of fate, from the unkindness of her family, from the house
that was desecrated, from the existence which was not made sweet by any
love--he was coming to deliver her. The air was all excitement, all
agitation, to Lottie. It was not so much that she was glad--happiness
was in it, and trouble, and regret, and agitation, made up by all these
together. It was life in its strongest strain, tingling, throbbing, at
the highest pressure. The earth was elastic under her feet, the whole
world was full of this which was about to happen; and how she sang!
Those lessons of hers were as a drama to the Signor, but he did not
understand this art. He had understood the struggle she made to get hold
of her powers on the day when Rollo was not there, and Lottie had made a
proud, forlorn attempt to devote herself to Song, as Song; he had
understood the confusion and bewildered discouragement of the day when
Mrs. Daventry assisted at the lesson; but this time the Signor was
puzzled. There was nothing to excite her, only Mrs. O’Shaughnessy and
Captain Temple, listeners who cared nothing for art, but only for
Lottie; yet how she sang! He made her a little solemn compliment, almost
for the first time.
“Miss Despard,” he said, “you change from lesson to lesson--it is always
another voice I hear; but this is the one I should like to retain; this
is the one that shows what wonderful progress we have made.”
Lottie smiled in a way which nearly won the Signor’s steady heart. A
golden dazzlement of light got into her eyes, as if the slanting
afternoon sun was in them. She did not speak, but she gave him her
hand--a thing which was very rare with Lottie. The Signor was flattered
and touched; but he would not have been so flattered had he known that
she was saying to herself, “It is the last time--it is the last!”
Mr. Ashford met the party coming out, and walked with them along the
north side of the Abbey and through the cloisters. He could not make out
why Lottie said nothing to him about her brother. To tell the truth, he
wanted to have something for his money, and it did not seem that he was
likely to get anything. He said to her at last, abruptly, “I hope you
think Law is likely to do well, Miss Despard?”
“Law?” she said, looking up with wondering eyes.
He was so confounded by her look of bewilderment that he did not say
anything more.
Next day dawned bright and fair, as it ought. A fair, clear, sunny
winter’s day--not a leaf, even of those few that hung upon the ends of
the boughs, stirring--not a cloud. Earth in such a day seems hanging
suspended in the bright sphere, not certain yet whether she will turn
back again to the careless summer, or go through her winter spell of
storm duty. Lottie had all her preparations made; her dress ready to put
on in the morning; her little bonnet done up in a parcel incredibly
small, a veil looped about it; and the great cloak, a homely waterproof,
which was to cover her from head to foot, and conceal her finery, hung
out all ready. Everything ready--nothing now to be done but to meet him
on the Slopes, and to hear how all had been settled, and arrange for the
final meeting on the wedding morning. Even her railway fare, so many
shillings, was put ready. She would not let him pay even that for her
until she belonged to him. She went out with the dreamy sweetness of the
approaching climax in her eyes when the last rays of the sunset were
catching all the Abbey pinnacles. She scarcely saw the path over which
her light feet skimmed. The people who passed her glided like the
people in a dream; the absorbing sweet agitation of happiness and fear,
and hope and content, was in all her veins; her eyes were suffused with
light as eyes get suffused with tears--an indescribable elation and
alarm, sweet panic, yet calm, was in her breast. Mr. Ashford met her
going along, swift and light, and with that air of abstraction from
everything around her. She did not see him, nor anyone; but she
remembered after, that she _had_ seen him, and the very turn of the road
where he made a half pause to speak to her, which she had not taken any
notice of. In this soft rapture Lottie went to the corner of the bench
under the elm-tree. It was too early, but she placed herself there to
wait till he should come to her. This was the place where he was certain
to come. By-and-by she would hear his step, skimming too, almost as
light and quick as her own--or hear him vaulting over the low wall from
the Deanery--or perhaps, to attract less notice, coming up the winding
way from the Slopes. Where she sat was within reach of all the three. It
was a little chilly now that the sun had gone down, but Lottie did not
feel it. She sat down with a smile of happy anticipation on her face,
hearing the Abbey bells in the clear frosty air, and then the bursting
forth of the organ and all the strains of the music. These filled up her
thoughts for the time, and it was not till the larger volume of sound
of the voluntary put Lottie in mind of the length of time she had
waited, that she woke up to think of the possibility that something
might have detained her lover. It was strange that he should be so late.
The light was waning, and the sounds about were eerie; the wind that had
lain so still all day woke up, and wandered chilly among the bare
shrubberies, tossing off the late leaves. She shivered a little with the
cold and the waiting. Why did not he come? the hour of stillness was
passing fast, the organ pealing, the light fading moment by moment. Why
was not Rollo here?
At last there was a step. It was not light and quick like his step; but
something might have happened to make it sound differently--something in
the air, or something in him, some gravity of movement befitting the
importance of the occasion. So anxiety beguiles itself, trying to
believe what it wishes. The step came nearer, and Lottie roused herself,
a little alarmed, wondering if anything (she could not tell what) could
have happened to him--and looked round. A figure--a man coming her
way--her heart jumped into her throat, then sank down, down, with a
flutter of fright and pain. It was not Rollo--but what then? it might be
only some chance passer-by, not having anything to do with her and him.
Another moment, and she waited with an agonised hope that he was
passing along without taking any notice, and that he had indeed nothing
at all to do with her. But the steady step came on--nearer, nearer. She
raised her head, she opened her eyes that had been veiled in such sweet
dreams, with a wideness of fear and horror. What could he have to do
with her? What had he come to tell her? The man came up to her straight,
without any hesitation. He said, “Are you Miss Despard, ma’am? I was
sent to give you this from my lord.”
My lord--who was my lord? She took it with a gasp of terror. It was not
Rollo that was my lord. The man, a middle-aged, respectable servant,
gave her a look of grave pity and went away. Lottie sat still for a
moment with the letter in her hand, thinking with wild impatience that
the sound of those heavy departing steps would prevent her from hearing
Rollo’s light ones when he came. My lord--who was my lord? Suddenly an
idea seized upon her. The light was almost gone. She tore the letter
open, and read it by the faint chill shining of the skies, though it was
almost too dark to see.
CHAPTER XLIII.
THE END OF THE DREAM.
Captain Temple was an old soldier, whose habit it was to get up very
early in the morning. He said afterwards that he had never got up so
early as on that morning, feeling a certain pride in it, as showing the
magical power of sympathy and tenderness. He woke before it was light.
It had been raining in the night, and the morning was veiled with
showers; when the light came at last, it was white and misty. He was
ready to go out before anyone was stirring. Not a soul, not even the
milkman, was astir in the Dean’s Walk. The blinds were still down over
his neighbours’ windows. The only one drawn up, he noticed in passing,
was Lottie’s. Was she too early, like himself? the question went through
his mind as he passed. Poor child! her life was not a happy one. How
different, he could not help feeling, how different his own girl would
have been had she but been spared to them! He shook his white head,
though he was all alone, wailing, almost remonstrating, with Providence.
How strange that the blessing should be with those who did not know how
to prize it, while those who did were left desolate! The Captain’s step
rang through the silent place. There was no one about; the Abbey stood
up grey and still with the morning mists softly breaking from about it,
and here and there, behind and around, smoke rose from some homely roof,
betraying the first signs of waking life, Captain Temple walked briskly
to the Slopes; it was his favourite walk. He made one or two turns up
and down all the length of the level promenade, thinking about her--how
often she had come with him here: but lately she had avoided him. He
paused when he had made two or three turns, and leaned over the low
parapet wall, looking down upon the misty landscape. The river ran
swiftly at the foot of the hill, shewing in a pale gleam here and there.
The bare branches of the trees were all jewelled coldly with drops of
rain. It began to drizzle again as he stood gazing over the misty wet
champaign in the stillness of the early morning. He was the only
conscious tenant of this wide world of earth and sky. Smoke rising from
the houses in the town, and a faint stir was beginning; but here on the
hill there was no stir or waking movement, save only his own.
What was that? a sound--he turned round quickly--he could not tell what
it was; was there someone about after all, someone else as early as
himself? But he could see nobody. There was not a step nor a visible
movement, but there was a sense of a human presence, a feeling of
somebody near him. He turned round with an anxiety which he could not
explain to himself. Why should he be anxious? but it pleased him
afterwards to remember that all his sensations this morning were
strange, uncalled for, beyond his own control. He peered anxiously about
among the bushes and bare stems of the trees. At last it seemed to him
that he saw something in the corner of the bench under the elm-tree. He
turned that way, now with his old heart beating, but altogether
unprepared for the piteous sight that met his eyes. She was so slim, so
slight, her dress so heavy and clinging with the rain, that a careless
passer-by might never have seen her. He hurried to the place with a
little cry. Her head drooped upon the rough wooden back of the seat, her
hands were wrapped in her cloak, nothing visible of her but a face as
white as death, and wet--was it with rain or with tears? Her eyes were
closed, her long dark eyelashes drooping over her cheek. But for her
frightful paleness she would have looked like a child who had lost its
way, and cried itself to sleep. “Lottie!” cried the old man; “Lottie!”
But she made no response. She did not even open her eyes. Was she
sleeping, or, good God----! He put his hand on her shoulder. “Lottie,
Lottie, my dear child!” he cried into her ear. When after a while a deep
sigh came from her breast, the old man could have wept for joy. She was
living then. He thought for a moment what was to be done; some help
seemed indispensable to him; then rushed away down through the cloisters
to the house of Mr. Ashford, which was one of the nearest. The Minor
Canon was coming downstairs; he had something to do which called him out
early. He paused in some surprise at the sight of his visitor, but
Captain Temple stopped the question on his lips. “Will you come with
me?” he cried; “come with me--I want you,” and caught him by the sleeve
in his eagerness. Mr. Ashford felt that there was that in the old man’s
haggard face which would not bear questioning. He followed him, scarcely
able in the fulness of his strength to keep up with the nervous steps of
his guide. “God knows if she has been there all night,” the Captain
said. “I cannot get her to move. And now the whole place will be astir.
If I could get her home before anybody knows! They have driven her out
of her sweet senses,” he said, gasping for breath as he hurried along.
“I came for you because you are her friend, and I could trust you. Oh,
why is a jewel like that given to those who do not prize it, Mr.
Ashford, and taken from those that do? Why is it? why is it? they have
broken her heart.” The Minor Canon asked no questions; he felt that he
too knew by instinct what it was. The rain had come on more heavily,
small and soft, without any appearance of storm, but penetrating and
continuous. The Captain hurried on to the corner where he had left her.
Lottie had moved her head; she had been roused by his first appeal from
the stupor into which she had fallen; her eyes were open, her mind
slowly coming, if not to itself, at least to some consciousness of the
external world and her place in it. The instinct that so seldom abandons
a woman, that of concealing her misery, had begun to dawn in her--the
first sign of returning life.
“Lottie, Lottie, my dear child, you must not sit here in the rain. Come,
my pet, come. We have come to fetch you. Come to your mother, or at
least to one who will be like a mother. Come, my poor dear, come home
with me.” The old man was almost sobbing as he took into his her cold
hands.
Lottie did her best to respond. She attempted to smile, she attempted to
speak mechanically. “Yes,” she said, under her breath; “I will
come--directly. It is--raining.” Her voice was almost gone; it was all
they could do to make out what she said.
“And here is a kind friend who will give you his arm, who will help you
along,” said Captain Temple. He stopped short--frightened by the change
that came over her face; an awful look of hope, of wonder, woke in her
eyes, which looked preternaturally large, luminous, and drowsy. She
stirred in her seat, moving with a little moan of pain, and attempted to
turn round to look behind her.
“Who is it?” she whispered. “Who is it? is it--you?”
Who did she expect it to be? Mr. Ashford, greatly moved, stepped forward
quickly and raised her from her seat. It was no time for politeness. He
drew her arm within his, not looking at her. “Support her,” he said
quickly to Captain Temple, “on the other side.” The Minor Canon never
looked at Lottie as he half carried her along that familiar way. He did
not dare to spy into her secret, but he guessed at it. The hand which he
drew through his arm held a letter. He knew none of the steps which had
led to this, but he thought he knew what had happened. As for Captain
Temple, he did not do much of his share of the work; he held her elbow
with his trembling hand, and looked pitifully into her face, knowing
nothing at all. “My poor dear,” he said, “you shall not go back--you
shall not be made miserable; you are mine now. I have found you, and I
shall keep you, Lottie. It is not like a stepmother that my Mary will
be. My love, we will say nothing about it, we will not blame anyone; but
now you belong to me.” What he said was as the babbling of a child to
Lottie, and to the other who divined her; but they let him talk, and the
old man seemed to himself to understand the position entirely. “They
have driven her out of her senses,” he said to his wife; “so far as I
can see she has been out on the Slopes all night, sitting on that bench.
She will be ill, she is sure to be ill--she is drenched to the skin.
Think if it had been our own girl! But I will never let her go into the
hands of those wretches again.”
No one of the principal actors in this strange incident ever told the
story, yet it was known all through the Abbey precincts in a few
hours--with additions--that Captain Despard’s new wife had driven her
step-daughter out of the house by her ill-usage; turned her to the door,
some said; and that the poor girl, distracted and solitary, had spent
the night on the Slopes, in the cold, in the rain, and had been found
there by Captain Temple. “When we were all in our comfortable beds,” the
good people cried with angry tears, and an indignation beyond words.
Captain Despard came in from matins in a state of alarm indescribable,
and besought his wife to keep indoors, not to allow herself to be seen.
No one in the house had known of Lottie’s absence during the night. She
was supposed to be “sulky,” as Polly called it, and shut up in her own
room. When she did not appear at breakfast, indeed, there had been some
surprise, and a slight consternation, but even then no very lively
alarm. “She’s gone off, as she said she would,” Polly said, tossing her
head; and the Captain had, though with some remorse and compunction,
satisfied himself that it was only an escapade on Lottie’s part, which
would be explained by the post, or which Law would know about, or Mrs.
O’Shaughnessy. Law had gone out early, before breakfast. It was natural
to suppose he would know--or still more likely that his sister had gone
with him, on some foolish walk, or other expedition. “I don’t mean to
hurt your feelings,” Polly cried, “but I shouldn’t break my heart,
Harry, if they’d gone for good, and left us the house to ourselves.”
When Captain Despard came in from matins, however, the case was very
different; he came in pale with shame and consternation, and ready to
blame his wife for everything. “This is what has come of your nagging
and your impudence,” he said; and Polly flew to arms, as was natural,
and there was a hot and dangerous encounter. The Captain went out,
swearing and fuming, recommending her if she prized her own safety not
to show herself out of doors. “You will be mobbed,” he said; “and you
will well deserve it.”
“I’m going to put my hat on,” said Polly, “and let them all see what a
coward you are, as won’t stand up for your wife.” But when he had
slammed the door emphatically after him, Polly sat down and had a good
cry, and did not put on her hat. Oh, what a foolish thing it is, she
repeated, to marry a man with grown-up children! It was nature, and not
anything she had done, that was in fault.
Lottie made no resistance when she found herself in Mrs. Temple’s care.
To have her wet things taken off, to have a hundred cares lavished upon
her, as she lay aching and miserable in the bed that had been prepared
for her, soothed her at least, if they did nothing more. Chilled in
every bit of her body, chilled to her heart, the sensation of warmth,
when at last it stole over her, broke a little the stony front of her
wretchedness. She never knew how she had passed that miserable night.
The fabric of her happiness had fallen down on every side, and crushed
her. Her heart had been so confident, her hopes so certain. She had not
doubted, as women so often do, or even thought it within the compass of
possibility that Rollo could fail her. How could she suppose it? and,
when it came, she was crushed to the ground. The earth seemed to have
opened under her feet; everything failed her when that one thing in
which all her faith was placed failed. She had sat through the darkness,
not able to think, conscious of nothing but misery, not aware how the
time was passing, taking no note of the coming of the night, or of the
bewildering chimes from the Abbey of hour after hour and quarter after
quarter. Quarter or hour, what did it matter to her? what did she know
of the hurrying, flying time, or its stupefying measures? It began to
rain, and she did not care. She cared for nothing--not the cold, nor the
dark, nor the whispering of the night wind among the bare branches, the
mysterious noises of the night. The pillars of the earth, the arch of
the sweet sky, had fallen. There was nothing in all the world but dismal
failure and heart-break to Lottie. In the long vigil, even the cause of
this horrible downfall seemed to fade out of her mind. The pain in her
heart, the oppression of her brain, the failing of all things--hope,
courage, faith--was all she was conscious of. Rollo--her thoughts
avoided his name, as a man who is wounded shrinks from any touch; and at
last everything had fallen into one stupor of misery. That it was the
night which she was spending there, under the dark sky, just light
enough to show the darker branches waving over it, the rain falling from
it, Lottie was unconscious. She had nowhere to go, she had no wish to go
anywhere; shelter was indifferent to her, and one place no more
miserable than another. When Captain Temple roused her, there came
vaguely to her mind a sense that her feelings must be hid, that she must
try to be as other people, not betraying her own desolation; and this
was the feeling that again woke feebly in her when Mrs. Temple took her
place by the bedside where Lottie was lying. She tried to make some
feeble excuse, an excuse which in the desperation of her mind did not
sound so artificial as it was. “I give you a great deal of trouble,” she
faltered.
“Oh, my dear,” said Mrs. Temple, with tears, “do not say so; let me do
what I can for you--only trust in me, trust in me.”
Lottie could not trust in anyone. She tried to smile. She was past all
confidences, past all revelation of herself or her trouble. And thus
she lay for days, every limb aching with the exposure, her breathing
difficult, her breast throbbing, her heart beating, her voice gone.
Downstairs there was many an anxious talk over her between the three
most intimately concerned. The old Captain held by his simple idea that
she had been driven from home by her stepmother, that idea which all the
Abbey had adopted. The Minor Canon was not of that opinion. He came
every day to ask for the patient, and would sit and listen to all they
could tell him, and to the Captain’s tirades against Polly. “I think
there was something more than that,” he would say. And Mrs. Temple
looked at him with a look of understanding. “I think so too,” she said.
Mrs. Temple had disengaged out of Lottie’s cold hand the letter which
she had been grasping unawares. She had not been able to resist looking
at it, telling herself that she ought to know what was the cause. These
two alone had any idea of it, and no one spoke to Lottie, nor did she
speak to anyone of the cause of her vigil. She lay in a silent paradise
of warmth and rest, cared for and watched at every turn she made, as she
had never been in her life before. And by degrees the pain stole out of
her limbs, her cough was got under, and the fever in her veins subdued.
Of two things only Lottie did not mend. Her heart seemed dead in her
bosom, and her voice was gone. She could neither sing any more, nor be
happy any more; these are things which neither doctor nor nurse can
touch, but for all the rest her natural health and strength soon
triumphed. Her brain, which had tottered for a moment, righted itself
and regained its force. She had no fever, though everybody expected it.
She did not fall into “a decline,” as was universally thought. She got
better, but she did not get happy, nor did she recover her voice. When
she was able to be brought downstairs, the good people who had taken her
up made a little _fête_ of her recovery. Mr. Ashford was asked to
dinner, and the room was filled with flowers, rare hothouse flowers, on
which the old Captain spent a great deal more than he could afford to
spend. “To please the poor child, my dear,” he said, apologetically; and
Mrs. Temple had not a word to say. She winced still when in his simple
way he would speak of “our own girl,” but in her heart she made a kind
of religion of Lottie, feeling sometimes, poor soul, as if she were thus
heaping coals of fire, whatever they may be, upon the head--though it
might be blasphemy to put it into words--of Him who had bereaved her. He
had taken her child from her, and she had been angry, and perhaps had
sinned in the bitterness of her grief; but now here was a child who was
His--for are not all the helpless His?--whom she would not cast from
her, whom she would take to her bosom and cherish, to show Him (was
it?) that she was more tender than even the Father of all. “Thou hast
taken mine from me, but I have not closed my heart to thine,” was what,
all unawares, the woman’s heart said; for she was angry still, being a
mother, and unable to see why she should have been bereaved.
A few days after Lottie had begun to be brought downstairs (for this was
done without any will of hers), a visit was paid to her which had no
small effect upon her life. She was seated in the invalid’s place near
the fire, a little table by her side with flowers on it, and a new book,
and _Punch_, and the illustrated papers, all the little innocent
_gâteries_ of which the old Captain could think, the trifles which make
the days of a happy convalescent sweet, and which Lottie tried hard to
look as if she cared for; and with Mrs. Temple near her, watching her to
see lest she should be too warm or too cold, lest she should want
anything, with the anxious care of a mother. There was a prancing of
horses outside the door, a tremendous knock, a rustle of silk, and
wafting of perfume, and the door was opened and Mrs. Daventry announced.
Augusta came in with a sweep which filled Mrs. Temple’s little
drawing-room. There did not seem room for its legitimate inmates in that
redundant presence. Mrs. Temple ran to her patient, thinking Lottie was
about to faint, but she recovered herself enough to smile faintly at
Augusta when she spoke, which was as much as she did to anyone. Augusta
seated herself opposite the convalescent, her train falling round her in
heavy masses--the one all wealth and commotion and importance, the other
so pale, so slight in her weakness, her brown merino dress hanging
loosely upon her. Mrs. Temple was not made much account of by the fine
lady, who made her a slight salutation, half bow, half curtsey, and took
no further notice of “the people of the house.”
“Well,” she said, “how are you, and what has been the matter? There are
the most extraordinary stories told about you. I have come to find out
what is really the matter, Lottie. Mamma wishes to know too. You know
you were always a kind of favourite with mamma.”
“I will tell you about her illness,” said Mrs. Temple. “She is scarcely
well enough yet to enter into details.”
“Oh,” said Augusta, gazing blankly upon the “person of the house,”--then
she returned to Lottie again. “I don’t want you to enter into details;
but they say the most extraordinary things; they say you were turned out
of doors, and stayed all night on the Slopes--that, of course, can’t be
true--but I wish you would tell me what is true, that I may give the
right version of the story. Mamma is quite anxious to know.”
“Lottie, my dear, I will tell Mrs. Daventry,” said Mrs. Temple, “it is
too much for you;” and she held her point and recounted her little story
with a primness which suited her voice and manner. Many were the
demonstrations of impatience which the fine lady made, but it was not in
her power to struggle against Mrs. Temple’s determination. She turned to
Lottie again as soon as the tale was told.
“Is that true? Only a very bad cold, and influenza from getting wet? Oh,
we heard a great deal more than that; and your voice--we heard you had
quite lost your voice. I promised the Signor to inquire. He is quite
anxious, he always thought so much of your voice. He is an odd man,”
said Augusta, giving a blow in passing, “he thinks so differently from
other people about many things. I promised to find out for him all about
it. Have you really, really lost your voice, as everybody says?”
It was curious that Lottie, who had never been concerned about her
voice, who had never cared anything about it, who had not wanted to be a
singer at all, should feel, even in the midst of the greater and deeper
unhappiness that possessed her, a distinct sting of pain as she heard
this question. Her paleness was flushed with a sudden painful colour.
She looked at Mrs. Temple wistfully again.
“You can hear that she is hoarse,” said Mrs. Temple; “a very common
consequence of a cold. She has lost her voice for the moment, but we
hope to find it again.”
“I think she must be dumb altogether, as she never answers me,” said
Augusta, fretfully. Then she tried another subject, with a triumphant
certainty of success. “I don’t know if you have heard of our trouble,”
she said, looking at her black dress. “You remember, Lottie, my cousin,
Mr. Ridsdale? Oh, yes; you knew him a little, I think.”
Once more Lottie’s pale face flushed with painful overwhelming colour.
She looked up with alarmed and troubled eyes.
“Oh, I see you remember him; he was such a flirt, he was always making
himself agreeable to women. It did not matter who they were,” said
Augusta, fixing her eyes on her victim’s face, “or what class of people,
so long as they were at all nice-looking, or could sing, or draw, or
anything. I remember I sent him out to try whether he could not hear you
sing the very day I was married. He was another of the people who
believed in you, Lottie. He did not hear you then, so he made mamma ask
you, you remember. He had something to do with a new opera company, and
he was always on the look-out for a new voice.”
Once more Lottie turned her eyes upon Mrs. Temple, eyes full of anguish
and wonder. Who else could she turn to?--not to the cruel executioner
who sat opposite to her, with a lurking smile about her heartless
mouth. How cruel a woman can be with a fair face, and no signs of the
savage in her! Augusta saw that her arrow had struck home, and was
encouraged to do more.
“Oh, yes; he was in a great state about your voice. He said it would
make his fortune and yours too. He was always ridiculously sanguine. You
know how he used to flatter you, Lottie, and go to all your lessons. Oh,
you must not tell me that you don’t remember, for I could see you liked
it. Well,” said Augusta, who did not lose a single change of colour, no
quiver of her victim’s lips, or flutter of her bosom, “that sort of
thing is all over now. Oh, I daresay he will continue to take a great
interest as an amateur; but his position is now entirely changed. My
poor cousin Ridsdale, Rollo’s eldest brother, was killed in the
hunting-field about a fortnight ago. Such a shock for us all! but it has
made a great change for Rollo. He is Lord Ridsdale now, and my uncle
Courtland’s heir. His servant came last Friday week to fetch some things
he had left at the Deanery--for he had gone away for the day only, not
knowing what had happened. Poor fellow; and yet, of course, though he
was truly grieved and all that, it is great good fortune for him. We are
not likely _now_” Augusta added, with a faint smile, “to see much of him
here.”
Lottie did not say a word. She sat, no longer changing colour, perfectly
pale, with the great blue eyes that had so expanded and dilated during
her illness, fixed upon the vacant air. To hear him named was still
something, and filled her with a sick excitement, an anguish of interest
and agitation. After the long silence, after the cutting of all ties,
after his cruel desertion of her, after the blow which had all but
killed her, to hear of him had been something. Pain--yet a pain she was
more eager to undergo than to meet any pleasure. But Lottie had not
calculated upon the cruel, treacherous, yet careless, blow which fell
upon her now, upon her quivering wounds. To hear her voice, was that
what it was? not to see her because he loved her, but to hear her
singing. Till now she had at least had her past. He was false, and had
forsaken her, she knew, but once he had loved her; the Rollo who gazed
up in the moonlight at her window had still been hers, though another
Rollo had betrayed her trust and broken her heart. But now! the blood
ebbed away from her face, and seemed to fail from her heart; the beating
of it grew confused and muffled in her ears. She gazed with her great
eyes, all strained and pained with gazing, at nothing. To hear her sing,
not seeking her, but only running after a new voice! She sat with her
hands clasped upon her lap in a kind of piteous appeal, and sometimes
would look at the one and then the other, asking them--was it true,
could it be true?
“I must go,” said Augusta, having fired her shot, “and I am glad to
have such a good account of you. Only a bad cold and a hoarseness, such
as are quite common. Mamma will be pleased to hear, and so will the
Signor. I can’t tell him anything about your voice, because you have not
let me hear it, Lottie. Oh, quite prudent--much the best thing not to
use it at all; though with an old friend, to be sure--you look rather
ill, I am bound to say.”
Lottie sat still in the same attitude after this cruel visitor was gone,
all her thoughts going back upon that time, which after all was only a
few months, yet which seemed her life. She had given him up, or rather
she had accepted his abandonment of her, without a struggle, without a
hope; it had been to her as a doom out of Heaven. She had not even
blamed him. It had killed her, she thought. She had not resisted, but it
had killed her. Now, however, she could not submit. In her heart she
fought wildly against this last, most cruel blow. He was not hers, he
was cut off from her, by his own murderous hand; but to give up the
lover who had loved her before he knew her, who had watched under her
window and wiled her heart away, that she could not do. She fought
against it passionately in her soul. The afternoon went on without a
sound, nothing but the ashes softly falling from the fire, the soft
movement of Mrs. Temple’s arm as she worked; but the silence tingled all
the time with the echo of Augusta’s words, and with the hot conflict of
recollections in her own heart, opposing and denying them. Mrs. Temple
worked quietly by and watched, divining something of the struggle,
though she did not know what it was. At last, all at once in the
stillness, the girl broke forth passionately: “Oh, no, no,” she cried,
“not that! I will not believe it. Not that; it is not true.”
“What is not true, dear? tell me,” her companion said, laying down her
work, and coming forward with tender hands outstretched, and pity in her
eyes.
“You heard her,” Lottie said, “you heard her. That it was to hear me
singing--that it was all for my voice. No, no, not that! It could not
be--_that_ was not true. You could not believe _that_ was true.”
And Lottie looked at her piteously, clasping her hands, entreating her
with those pathetic eyes for a little comfort. “Not that, not that,” she
said. “My singing, was it likely? Oh you cannot think _that_!” she
cried.
Mrs. Temple did all she could to soothe her. “My poor child, it is all
over--over and ended--what does it matter now?”
“It matters all the world to me,” Lottie cried. Kind as her new guardian
was, she could not understand that even when her happiness and her hopes
were all crushed, it was a bitterness more exquisite, a sting the girl
could not bear to believe that her foundations had been sand, that she
had been deluded from the beginning, that the love she trusted in had
never been. This sting was so keen and sharp that it woke her from the
apathy of despair that was creeping over her. She was roused to
struggle, to a passion of resistance and denial. “How can anyone but I
know how it was? It all came from that; without that I should never have
thought--we should never have met. It was the beginning. How can anyone
know but me?” she cried, contending as against some adversary. When the
first strain of this conflict was over, she turned, faltering, to her
kind guardian. “I had a letter,” she said; “it was _the_ letter. I
cannot find it.” She gave her a look of entreaty which went to Mrs.
Temple’s heart.
“I have got your letter, Lottie. I have it in my desk, put away. No one
has seen it. Let me put it into the fire.”
“Ah, no! perhaps there may be something in it different from what I
thought.”
She held out her hands supplicating, and Mrs. Temple went to her desk
and took out an envelope. Within was something all stained and blurred.
The rain had half washed the cruel words away. Once for all, as Rollo’s
last act and deed, and suicidal exit from this history, the letter shall
be copied here. Imagine how Lottie had been sitting, all happiness and
soft agitation and excitement, waiting for him when this curt epistle
came:--
“DEAR LOTTIE,--
“An extraordinary change has happened in my life--not my doing, but
that of Providence. It gives me new duties, and a new existence
altogether. What we have been thinking of cannot be. It is
impossible in every way. For me to do what I promised to you was,
when we parted, a sacrifice which I was willing to make, but now is
an impossibility. I am afraid you will feel this very much--and
don’t think I don’t feel it; but it is an impossibility. I have
things to do and a life to lead that makes it impossible. I hope
soon someone will be raised up for you when you want it most, to
give you the help and assistance I would so gladly have given.
Could I but know that you assented to this, that you saw the reason
for my conduct, I should be as happy as I now can ever be; and I
hope that you will do so when you can look at it calmly. Farewell,
dear Lottie, think of me with as little anger as you can, for it is
not I, but Providence. Your voice will soon make you independent;
it is only a momentary disappointment, I know, and I cannot help
it. To do what we settled to do is now an impossibility--an
impossibility. Dear Lottie, farewell!
“R. R.”
Underneath, _Forgive me_ was scrawled hastily, as if by an afterthought.
In the calm warm room, in the dull afternoon, under the eyes of her
tender nurse, Lottie read over again this letter, which she had read
with incredulous wonder, with stupefying misery, by the dim light of the
evening under the black waving branches of the leafless trees. She gave
a cry of anguish, of horror, of indignation and shame, and with
trembling hands folded it up, and put it within its cover, and thrust it
back into Mrs. Temple’s keeping. “Oh, take it, take it,” she cried
wildly; “keep it, it has killed me. Perhaps--perhaps! the other is true
too.”
CHAPTER XLIV.
APRÈS?
Law had been living a busy life at the time of this crisis and climax of
his sister’s existence. He had spent day after day in London, lost in
that dangerous and unaccustomed delight of spending money, which is only
tasted in its full flavour by those who are little accustomed to have
any money to spend. Law was tempted by a hundred things which would have
been no temptation at all to more experienced travellers--miracles of
convenience and cheapness, calculated to smooth the path of the
emigrant, but which were apt, on being bought, to turn out both
worthless and expensive--and many a day the young fellow came home
penitent and troubled, though he started every morning with an
ever-renewed confidence in his own wisdom. Lottie’s sudden illness had
checked these preparations in mid-career. He had lost the ship in which
he meant to have made his voyage, and though he bore the delay with
Christian resignation, it was hard to keep from thinking sometimes that
Lottie could not have chosen a worse moment for being ill--a little
later, or a little earlier, neither would have mattered half so
much--but at the very moment when he was about to sail! However, he
allowed impartially that it was not his sister’s fault, and did not deny
her his sympathy. Law, however, had never been satisfied about the cause
of her illness. He did not know why she should have sat out on the
Slopes all night. Polly--he refused the idea that it was Polly. Mrs.
Despard was bad enough, but not so bad as that; nor did Lottie care
enough for the intruder to allow herself to be driven out in this way.
But Law kept this conviction to himself, and outwardly accepted the
story, not even asking any explanation from his sister. Whatever was the
real reason, it was no doubt the same cause which kept her from
listening to him when he had tried to tell her of the new step in his
own career, and the unexpected liberality of the Minor Canon. “If it had
but been he!” Law said to himself--for indeed he, who knew the value of
money, never entertained any doubt as to Mr. Ashford’s meaning in
befriending him; he was a great deal more clear about this than Mr.
Ashford himself.
He lost his passage by the ship with which he had originally intended to
go. It was a great disappointment, but what could he do? He could not
start off for the Antipodes when his sister might be dying. And as for
his own affairs, they had not come to any satisfactory settlement.
Instead of saying yes or no to his question to her, Emma, when he had
seen her, had done everything a girl could do to make him change his
intention. To make _him_ change his intention!--the very idea of this
filled him with fierce scorn. It was quite simple that she should make
up her mind to leave everything she cared for, for love of him; but that
he should change his purpose for love of her, was an idea so absurd that
Law laughed at the simplicity of it. As well expect the Abbey tower to
turn round with the wind as the weathercock did; but yet Law did not
object to stroll down to the River Lane in the evenings, when he had
nothing else to do, sometimes finding admission to the workroom when the
mother was out of the way, demanding to know what was Emma’s decision,
and smiling at her entreaties. She cried, clasping her hands with much
natural eloquence, while she tried to persuade him; but Law laughed.
“Are you coming with me?” he said--he gave no answer to the other
suggestion--and by this time he had fully made up his mind that she did
not mean to come, and was not very sorry. He had done his duty by
her--he had not been false, nor separated himself from old friends when
prosperity came; no one could say that of him. But still he was not
sorry to make his start alone--to go out to the new world unencumbered.
Nevertheless, though they both knew this was how it would end, it still
amused Law in his unoccupied evenings to do his little love-making at
the corner of the River Lane, by the light of the dull lamp, and it
pleased Emma to be made love to. They availed themselves of this
diversion of the moment, though it often led to trouble, and sometimes
to tears; and Emma for her part suffered many scoldings in consequence.
The game, it is to be supposed, was worth the candle, though it was
nothing but a game after all.
On the day after Mrs. Daventry’s visit, Lottie sent for her brother. He
found her no longer a languid invalid, but with a fire of fervid energy
in her eyes.
“Law,” she said, “I want you to tell me what you are going to do. You
told me once, and I did not pay any attention--I had other--other things
in my mind. Tell me now, Law.”
Then he told her all that had happened, and all he had been doing. “It
was your sense, Lottie, after all,” he said. “You were always the one
that had the sense. Who would have thought when I went to old Ashford to
be coached, that he would come forward like this, and set me up for
life? Nor he wouldn’t have done that much either,” Law added, with a
laugh, “but for you!”
“Law,” cried Lottie, with that fire in her eyes, “this was what we
wanted all the time, though we did not know it. It was always an office
I was thinking of--and that I would be your housekeeper--your servant if
we were too poor to keep a servant; but this is far better. Now we are
free--we have only each other in the world. When must we go?”
“We!” cried Law, completely taken aback. He looked at her with dismay.
“You don’t mean you are coming? You don’t suppose I--can take you.”
“Yes,” she cried, “yes,” with strange vehemence. “Were we not always to
be together? I never thought otherwise--that was always what I
meant--until----”
“Ah,” said Law, “that is just it--until! When you’re very young,” he
continued, with great seriousness, “you think like that--yes, you think
like that. A sister comes natural--you’ve always been used to her; but
then, Lottie, you know as well as I do that don’t last.”
“Oh, yes--it lasts,” cried Lottie: “other things come and go. You
suppose you want something more--and then trouble comes, and you
remember that there is nobody so near. Who could be so near? I know all
you like and what is best for you, and we have always been together.
Law, I have had things to make me unhappy--and I have no home, no place
to live in.”
“I thought,” said Law, severely, “that they were very kind to you here.”
“Kind! it is more than that,” cried Lottie, her hot eyes moistening.
“They are like--I do not know what they are like--like nothing but
themselves; but I do not belong to them. What right have I to be here?
and oh, Law, you don’t know----. To walk about here again--to live,
where one has almost died--to see the same things--the place--where it
all happened----”
Lottie was stopped by the gasp of weeping that came into her throat. She
ended with a low cry of passionate pain. “I must go somewhere. I cannot
stay here. We will go together, and work together; and some time,
perhaps--some time--we shall not be unhappy, Law.”
“I am not unhappy now,” said the young man. “I don’t know why you should
be so dismal. Many a fellow would give his ears to be in my place. But
you--that’s quite a different thing. A man can go to many a place where
he can’t drag his sister after him. Besides, you’ve got no outfit,”
cried Law, delighted to find so simple a reason, “and no money to get
one. Old Ashford has been awfully kind; but I don’t think it would be
nice to draw him for an outfit for you. It wouldn’t be kind,” said Law,
with a grin, “it would be like the engineer fellow in Shakespeare--burst
with his own boiler. You know that would never do.”
“A woman does not need an outfit, as a man does,” said Lottie; “a woman
can put up with anything. If you go away, what is to become of me? When
you are young, whatever you may have had to make you unhappy, you cannot
die when you please. That would be the easiest way of all--but it is
not possible; you cannot die when you please.”
“Die--who wants to die?” said Law. “Don’t you know it’s wicked to talk
so. Why, there’s your singing. You’ll be able to make a great deal more
money than I ever shall; and of course you may come over starring to
Australia when you’re a great singer; but it would be ruin to you now to
go there. Don’t be carried away by it because I’m lucky just now,
because it’s my turn,” he said; “everybody wants to hold on by a fellow
when he’s in luck--but it is really you who are the lucky one of the
family.”
“My voice is gone,” said Lottie, “my home is gone. I have nothing in the
world but you. All I used to have a little hope in is over. There are
only two of us in the world, brother and sister. What can I do but go
with you? I have nobody but you.”
“Oh, that’s bosh,” said Law, getting up from his seat in impatience. “I
don’t believe a word they say about your voice. You’ll see it’ll soon
come back if you give it a chance; and as for having nobody but me, I
never knew a girl that had so many friends--there’s these old Temples,
and heaps of people; and it seems to me you may marry whoever you like
all round. A girl has no right to turn up her nose at that. Besides,
what made old Ashford so kind to me? You don’t find men doing that sort
of thing for nothing in this world. I always think it’s kindest to
speak out plain,” said Law, reddening, however, with a sense of cruelty,
“not to take you in with pretending. Look here, Lottie. I can’t take you
with me. I have got no more than I shall want for myself, and I may have
to knock about a great deal there before I get anything. And to tell the
truth,” said Law, reddening still more, “if I was to take a woman with
me, it would be more natural to take--someone else. A fellow expects to
marry, to make himself comfortable when he gets out there. Now you can’t
do that if you have a sister always dragging after you. I’ve told you
this before, Lottie--you know I have. I don’t want to hurt your feelings
when you’ve been ill--but what can a fellow do? To say what you mean
once for all, that is the best for both you and me.”
Law made his exit abruptly when he had given forth this confession. He
could say what was necessary boldly enough, but he did not like to face
his sister’s disappointment. It was a comfort to him to meet Mr. Ashford
at the door.
“Lottie is upstairs,” he said. “She wants me to take her with me, but I
have told her I can’t take her with me. I wish you would say a word to
her.”
Law rushed away with a secret chuckle when he had sent to his sister a
new suitor to console her. If one lover proves unsatisfactory, what can
be better than to replace him by another? Law felt himself bound in
gratitude and honour to do all that he could for Mr. Ashford, who had
been so kind to him; and was it not evidently the best thing--far the
best thing for Lottie too?
The Minor Canon went upstairs with a little quickening of his pulse. He
had been a great deal about Captain Temple’s little house since the
morning when he had brought Lottie there, and her name and the thought
of her had been in his mind constantly. He had not defended himself
against this preoccupation, for would it not have been churlish to put
the poor girl out of his mind when she was so desolate, and had no other
place belonging to her? Rather he had thrown open all his doors and
taken in her poor pale image, and made a throne for her, deserted,
helpless, abandoned as she was. A generous soul cannot take care of
itself when a friend is in trouble. Mr. Ashford, who had been on the
edge of the precipice, half consciously, for some time, holding himself
back as he could, thinking as little about her as he could, now let
himself go. He felt as the Quixotes of humanity are apt to feel, that
nothing he could give her should be withheld now. If it did not do her
any good, still it would be something--it was all he could do. He let
himself go. He thought of her morning and night, cherishing her name in
his heart. Poor Lottie--life and love had alike been traitors to her.
“Though all men forsake thee, yet will not I,” he said, as once was said
rashly to a greater than man. What could he ever be to her, wrung as
her heart was by another? but that did not matter. If it was any
compensation to her, she should have his heart to do what she liked
with. This was the sentiment in the mind of the Minor Canon, who ought,
you will say, to have known better, but who never had been practical, as
the reader knows. He went upstairs with his heart beating. How gladly he
would have said a hundred words to her, and offered her all he had, to
make up for the loss of that which she could not have. But what his
generosity would have thrown at her feet, his delicacy forbade him to
offer. Lottie, in her disappointment and desertion (which he only
divined, yet was certain of) was sacred to him. Mrs. Temple was absent
about her household concerns, and there was nobody in the drawing-room
upstairs except Lottie, who in her excitement and despair did not hear
his step, nor think that anyone might be coming. She was walking about
the room, with her hands clasped and strained against her breast, her
weak steps full of feverish energy, her eyes glowing with a fire of
despair. “What shall I do? what shall I do?” she was moaning in the
anguish of her heart.
When Ernest Ashford opened the door, her back was turned to him, so that
he heard this moan, and saw the passionate misery of her struggle,
before she knew that he was there. When she saw him a momentary gleam of
anger came over her face; then she put force upon herself, and dropped
her hands by her side like a culprit, and tried to receive him as she
ought. As she ought--for was not he her brother’s benefactor, whom all
this time she had been neglecting, not thanking him as he had a right to
be thanked? The change from that anguish and despair which she had been
indulging when alone, to the sudden softening of courtesy and
compunction and gratitude which, after a pathetic momentary interval of
struggling with herself, came over her face, was one of those sudden
variations which had transported Rollo in the beginning of their
acquaintance by its power of expression. But this change, which would
have pleased the other, went to the heart of the Minor Canon, to whom
Lottie had never appeared in the light of an actress or singer, but only
as herself.
“Mr. Ashford,” she said faintly. “I wanted to see you--to thank you----”
She was trembling, and he came up to her tenderly--but with a tenderness
that never betrayed its own character--grave and calm, for all that his
heart was beating--and took her hand and arm into his, and led her to
her chair. “You must not thank me for anything,” he said.
“For Law----”
“No; not for Law. If it would give you any ease or any comfort, you
should have everything I have. That is not saying much. You should have
all I can do or think,” he said, with a thrill in his voice, which was
all that betrayed his emotion. “The misery of human things is that all I
can do is not what you want, Lottie--and that what you want is out of my
power.”
He asked no permission to call her by her name; he was not aware he did
it--nor was she.
“I want nothing,” she said, with a passionate cry. “Oh, do not think I
am so miserable and weak. I want nothing. Only, if Law could take me
with him--take me away--to a new place--to a new life.”
He sat down beside her, and softly pressed the hand which he held in his
own. Yes, this was the misery of human things, as he said--he did not
repeat the words, but they were in his face. That which she wanted was
not for her, nor was his desire for him; other gifts might be thrown at
their feet, and lie there unheeded, but not that for which they pined
and were ready to die.
“Do you think it must not be?” she said. Lottie was willing to make him
the judge of her fate--to allow him to decide for her how it was to be.
Yes, but only in that way in which he was powerless. He smiled, with a
sense of this irony, which is more tragic than any solemn verdict of
fate.
“I do not think it could be,” he said, “except with perfect consent and
harmony; and Law--does not wish it. He is like the rest of us. He does
not care for what he can have, though another man might give his life
for it. It is the way of the world.”
“I am used to it,” said Lottie, bowing her head; “you need not say it is
the way of the world to break it to me, Mr. Ashford. Oh, how well I
ought to know! I am used to being rejected. Papa, and Law, and----”
She put her hand over her hot eyes, but she did not mean to drop into
self-pity. “Nobody cares to have me,” she said after a moment, with the
quiver of a smile on her lips. “I must make up my mind to it--and when
you are young you cannot die whenever you please. I must do something
for myself.”
“That is it,” said the Minor Canon, bitterly--“always the same; between
those you love and those that love you there is a great gulf; therefore
you must do something for yourself.”
She looked at him wondering, with sad eyes. He was angry, but not with
her--with life and fate; and Lottie did not blush as she divined his
secret. It was too serious for that. It was not her fault or his fault;
neither of them had done it or could mend it. Had she but known! had he
but known! Now there was nothing to be done but to unite what little
wisdom they had over the emergency, and decide what she was to do--for
herself. Her father had no place for her in his house. Law would not
have her with him; her lover had forsaken her; and to those who would
have had her, who would have cherished her, there was no response in
Lottie’s heart. Yet here she stood with her problem of existence in her
hands, to be solved somehow. She looked piteously at the man who loved
her, but was her friend above all, silently asking that counsel of which
she stood so much in need. What was she to do?
Just then the door opened, and Mrs. Temple came in with Dr. Enderby, who
had been kind to Lottie, as they all were, and who regulated everybody’s
health within the Precincts, from Lady Caroline downward. The good
doctor, who had daughters of his own, looked with kind eyes upon the
girl, who was so much less happy than they. He took her slender wrist
into his hand, and looked into her luminous, over-clear eyes, wet with
involuntary tears.
“She is looking a great deal better. She will soon be quite herself,” he
said cheerfully; but winked his own eyelids to throw off something,
which was involuntary too.
“Yes, yes,” said Captain Temple, who had come in after him. “She will
soon be quite herself; but you must give her her orders to stay with us,
doctor. We want to be paid for nursing her--and now she will be able to
run about on all our errands, and save us a great deal of trouble, and
keep us happy with her pretty voice and her singing. Did you ever hear
her sing, doctor? The Signor is very anxious about her. We must begin
our lessons again, my pretty Lottie, as soon as ever the doctor gives
leave.”
Dr. Enderby looked very grave. “There is no hurry about that,” he said,
“let her have a little more time. The Signor must be content to wait.”
Now Lottie had said, and they all had said, that her voice was gone; but
when the doctor’s face grew so grave, a cold chill struck to their
hearts. She gave him a startled look of alarmed inquiry, she who had
suddenly realised, now that all dreams were over, that question of
existence which is the primitive question in this world. Before
happiness, before love, before everything that makes life lovely, this
mere ignoble foundation of a living, must come. When one is young, as
Lottie said, one cannot die at one’s own pleasure--and suddenly, just as
she had got to realise that necessity, was it possible that this other
loss was really coming too? She looked at him with anxious eyes, but he
would not look at her, to give her any satisfaction; then she laid her
hand softly on his arm.
“Doctor,” she said, “tell me true--tell me the worst there is to tell.
Shall I never have my voice again? is it gone, gone?”
“We must not ask such searching questions,” said the doctor, with a
smile. “We don’t know anything about _never_ in our profession. We know
to-day, and perhaps to-morrow--something about them--but no more.”
He tried to smile, feeling her gaze upon him, and made light of her
question. But Lottie was not to be evaded. All the little colour there
was ebbed out of her face.
“Shall I never sing again?” she said. “No--that is not what I mean;
shall I never be able to sing as I did once? Is it over? Oh, Doctor,
tell me the truth, is that over too?”
They were all surrounding him with anxious faces. The doctor got up
hurriedly and told them he had an appointment. “Do not try to sing,” he
said, “my dear,” patting her on the shoulder. “It will be better for
you, for a long time, if you do not even try;” and before anyone could
speak again he had escaped, and was hurrying away.
When he was gone, Lottie sat still, half stupefied, yet quivering with
pain and the horror of a new discovery. She could not speak at first.
She looked round upon them with trembling lips, and great tears in her
eyes. Then all at once she slid down upon her knees at Mrs. Temple’s
feet.
“Now all is gone,” she said, “all is gone--not even _that_ is left. Take
me for your servant instead of the one that is going away. I can work--I
am not afraid to work. I know all the work of a house. Let me be your
servant instead of the one who is going away.”
“Oh, Lottie, hush, hush! are you not my child?” said Mrs. Temple, with a
great outcry of weeping, clasping her shoulders and drawing the
upturned face to her breast. But Lottie insisted gently and kept her
position. In this thing at least she was not to be balked.
“Your servant,” she said, “instead of the one that is going away. I am
an honest girl, though they all cast me off. I cannot sing but I can
work--your servant, or else I cannot be your child.”
CHAPTER XLV.
CONCLUSION.
If this history had proposed to settle and bring to a dramatic
conclusion even one single human life, the writer would falter here,
feeling her task all unfulfilled; for what have we been able to do more
than to bring our poor Lottie at the end of all things to a kind of
dead-lock of all the possibilities of life? Such stoppages in the course
of human affairs are, however, at least as common as a distinct climax
or catastrophe. For one girl or boy whose life lies all fair before them
after the first effort, how many are there who have to leave the chapter
incomplete, and, turning their backs upon it, to try a second beginning,
perhaps with less satisfaction, and certainly with a somewhat disturbed
and broken hope! Lottie Despard had arrived at this point. Her love had
not ended as happy loves end. It had been cut short by a cruel hand; her
fabric of happiness had fallen to the ground; her visionary shelter, the
house of her dreams, had crumbled about her, leaving nothing but bare
walls and broken rafters. Her misery and dismay, the consternation of
her young soul when, instead of that fair and pleasant future which was
to be her resting-place, she found around her a miserable ruin, we have
scarcely attempted to say. What words can tell such a convulsion and
rending of earth and sky? She had believed in her lover, and in her love
as something above the weakness of ordinary humanity. She had believed
herself at last to have found in him the ideal after which she had
sighed all her life. His generous ardour to help her whenever he found
her in want of help, the enthusiasm of a love which she believed had
been given at first sight, like the love the poets tell of, had filled
Lottie’s heart with all the sweetness of a perfect faith. Impossible to
say how she had trusted in him, with what pure and perfect delight and
approbation her soul had given itself up to him, glad beyond all
expression not only to find him hers, but to have found him at all, the
one man known to her for whom no excuse had to be made. The discovery
that he was a traitor killed her morally--at least it seemed so to the
poor girl when, all crushed and bleeding from a hundred wounds, she was
taken to the house of her friends. But even that was scarcely a more
horrible blow than the stroke administered delicately by Augusta while
still the injured soul had not staunched its own bleeding or recovered
from the first mortal overthrow. The earth that had been so solid opened
round her in yawning mouths of hell, leaving no ground to stand upon.
There was nothing that was not changed. She had not only lost her
future, which was all happiness, and in which she had believed like a
child; but she had lost her past. She had been deceived; or, worse
still, she had deceived herself, seeking her own overthrow. The
knowledge that it had not been love that brought Rollo under her window
first, that it was altogether another sentiment, _business_, regard for
his own interests--seemed to throw upon herself the blame of all that
came after. Soul and heart, the girl writhed under the consciousness of
having thus anticipated and brought on her fate. So vain, so foolish, so
easily deceived, who was in fault but herself? Those thoughts gave her a
false strength, or feverish impassioned power for a time. It was her own
doing. She had been the deceiver of herself.
But who could deliver her from the dying pangs of love in her heart,
those longings which are unquenchable, those protestations of nature
against loss, those visions of excuses that might still be made, and
suggestions of impossible explanation which in her mind she knew to be
impossible even while her fancy framed them? Sometimes Lottie would find
herself dreaming unawares that someone else, not Rollo, had written that
cruel letter; that it was not by his will he had left her to bear the
brunt of her disappointment under the elm-tree; that _it_ was a forgery,
and he detained by some act of cruel treachery and deceit. Sometimes a
flood of passionate longing and yearning would sweep over her--a
longing only to see him, to hear his voice, to ask why, why he could
have been so cruel. Love does not die in a moment, nor does it come to a
violent end when the object is proved unworthy, as some people think.
With Lottie it was a lingering and painful conclusion, full of memories,
full of relentings; the ground that had been gained by days of painful
self-suppression being lost by one sudden burst of remembrance, the
sight of something that brought up before her one of the scenes that
were past.
While this process was going on wistful looks were directed to Lottie’s
lonely path by more than one spectator. The household of the Signor was
deeply moved by the hapless fate of the young lady for whom young
Purcell sighed with unavailing faithfulness. He could not be made to see
that it was unavailing, and the Signor, blinded by his partiality for
his pupil, did not or would not see it; and, as was natural, Mrs.
Purcell could not understand the possibility of any girl being
indifferent to John’s devotion. She thought Lottie’s troubles would
indeed be at an end, and her future happiness secured, if her eyes were
but opened to his excellence. So strong was this feeling in the mind of
the family that the Signor himself took the matter in hand, and sallied
forth with the anxious sympathy of all the household to put the case
before Captain Temple, who was now recognised as Lottie’s guardian. “In
every country but England,” the Signor said, “the friends arrange such
matters. Surely it is much more judicious than the other way. There is
some guarantee at least that it is not mere youthful folly. Now here is
a young lady who is in very unfortunate circumstances, who has been
obliged to leave her father’s house----”
“I beg your pardon, Signor,” said the Captain, trying hard to keep his
temper, “but I do not think my house is a very bad exchange for Captain
Despard’s.”
“Nobody who knows Captain Temple can have any doubt of that,” the Signor
said with a wave of his hand, “but what can her situation be in your
house? You are not her relation. She has no claim, she has no right,
nothing to depend upon; and if anything were to happen to you----”
“To be sure,” said Captain Temple, with profound gravity, not
untinctured with offence, “there is much to be said on that point. We
are mortal like everybody else.”
Explanations were not the Signor’s strong point; he was wanting in tact
everybody knew. “I am making a mess of it,” he said, “as I always do.
Captain Temple, you are a man of sense, you know that marriage is
something more than a matter of sentiment. John Purcell is a very rising
musician, there is nothing in our profession he may not hope for; he
loves Miss Despard, and he could give her a home. Will you not
recommend her to consider his suit, and be favourable to him? His origin
perhaps is an objection--but he is a very good fellow, and he could
provide for her.”
Captain Temple kept his temper; he was always very proud of this
afterwards. He bowed the Signor out, then came fuming upstairs to his
wife. “Young Purcell!” he cried, “the housekeeper’s son! as if all that
was wanted was somebody to provide for her; but when a man has that
taint of foreign notions,” said the old Captain gravely, “nothing will
wear it out.”
Mrs. Temple did not respond as her husband would have wished. Indeed
this was very often the case; she had not his quick impulses nor his
ready speech. She said with a sigh, “I almost think the Signor is right.
I wish we could do what he says. I know a man who is very fond of her,
who would be very suitable, who would be sure to make her happy. I think
if I could marry her to him I would take the responsibility; but she
will not see it in the same light.”
“Who is it? who is it?” Captain Temple said with lively curiosity. And
when Mr. Ashford’s name was mentioned to him, after some protestations
of incredulity, he could find nothing to say but a fretful “Do you want
to be rid of Lottie?” He for his part did not want to be rid of her. She
was delightful to the old man. She walked with him and sat with him,
and though she had not sufficiently recovered to talk much to him, yet
she listened to him while he talked, which did almost as well. The old
Chevalier was more happy than he had been since his own child married
and went away from him. Why should Lottie be married and carried away
from him too, for no better reason than that a man could provide for
her? This indeed was the weak point in Captain Temples armour. He could
not provide for his adopted daughter; but he was angry when this was
suggested to him. He had got a new interest, a new pleasure in life, and
he did not like the idea of dying and losing it. Why should not he live
for years and keep the shelter of a father’s roof over this girl, who
was like his own?
As for the Minor Canon, it had only been when he took the girl home from
her vigil on the Slopes that he allowed himself fully to confess the
state of his feelings towards her. When he had drawn her hand within his
arm and felt her light weight upon him, holding up by close clasping of
his own, the soft arm which he held, the floodgates had opened. He knew
very well by instinct and by observation that Lottie loved, not him, but
another man. He felt very sure that what had happened had little to do
with her stepmother but a great deal to do with her lover; and yet at
that very moment, the most discouraging and hopeless, those gates opened
and the stream flowed forth, and he no longer attempted any disguise
either with himself or with Mrs. Temple, who saw through and through
him. Law, whom nobody supposed to have any discrimination, had seen
through and through him long ago. Law felt that it was not at all likely
that any man would sacrifice so much money and trouble on _his_ account;
and indeed from the beginning of their acquaintance he had read in “old
Ashford’s” eye an expression of weakness of which the astute youth was
very willing to take advantage. When, however, Mr. Ashford himself
gained this point of making no further resistance, and attempting no
further concealment, the acknowledgment to himself of the new sentiment,
little hopeful as it was, had brought him a sense of happiness and
freedom. Love in his heart was sweet, even though it had no return. It
made life other than it had ever been. It opened possibilities which to
the middle-aged Minor Canon had all been closed before. Handel may be a
consolation or even a delight; and pupils, though neither consolatory
nor delightful, at least keep a man from the sense that his life is
useless; but neither of these things make up the sum of human
requirements, nor do they help to reveal the _fin mot_ of that mortal
enigma which is more hard to solve than all the knots of philosophy. It
seemed to Mr. Ashford when he gave up all resistance, and let this flood
of tenderness for one creature take possession of his heart, that a
sudden illumination had been given to him, a light that cleared up many
difficult matters, and made the whole world more clear. With this
lantern in his hand he thought he might even go back to tread the darker
ways of the world with more fortitude and calm. The miseries of the poor
seemed to him more bearable, the burdens of humanity less overwhelming.
Why? but he could not have told why. Perhaps because life itself was
more worth having, more beautiful, more divine with love in it; a poor
man, though he was starving, could not be so poor with that to keep him
alive. He remembered in his early experiences, when he had fled from the
horrible mystery of want and pain, to have seen that other presence
which then he took no note of, in the poorest places--gleaming in the
eyes of a woman, in a man’s rough face, which knew no other
enlightenment. This, then, was what it was. In the sweetness of the
heavenly discovery perhaps he went too far, and felt in it the
interpretation and compensation of all. Naturally, a man who has found a
new happiness does exalt it above the dimensions of any human
possession. It made the Minor Canon feel his own life too sheltered and
peaceful, it made of him a man among other men. It seemed to him now
that he wanted to go and help his brothers who were suffering, whose
suffering had appalled him, from whom he had fled in excess of pity.
But he did not say one word of his love to Lottie, except those vague
words which have been recorded. What was the use? She knew it as he knew
it; and what could it matter? After the first impulse of speech, which
was for her sake rather than his--to comfort her wounded pride, her
sense of humiliation, if nothing else, by the knowledge that she was
priceless to another if rejected by one--no desire to speak was in his
mind. He surrounded her with every care he was permitted to give, with a
thousand unexpressed tendernesses, with a kind of ideal worship, such as
was most likely to soothe her wounds and to please her, at least, with a
sense that she was beloved. In this way the winter went slowly on. Law
did not sail till the early spring, being detained by the Minor Canon as
he would, if he could, have detained a ray of sunshine that warmed her.
And thus Lottie was surrounded by all the fairest semblances of life.
The fairest semblances! How often they collect about those who can
derive no advantage from them! A good man loved her, but Lottie could
not accept his love; the kindest domestic shelter was given to her, but
she had no right to it--she was not the daughter of these kind people,
and they would not make her their servant as she had asked them to do.
Musing in her own mind over all that lay about her, this seemed the only
true standing ground that she could hope for. Now that she wanted a way
of living, a real occupation, her voice had failed her and she could not
sing; now that she had the doors of marriage opened before her, her
heart was too sick even to contemplate that possibility; now that she
had a home where she was beloved, it was not her home but the house of a
stranger. To all this she had no right. If they would let her be their
servant, that would be true; if Mr. Ashford would see that she was not
worth loving, that would be true; if she could take up the trade she had
despised, in that there would be an honest refuge. All these things were
out of her reach. She said nothing about the thoughts in her heart, but
they burned within her; and nobody understood them, except perhaps Mr.
Ashford, to whom she never confided them. Law thought her very well off
indeed, and declared frankly that he would leave England with an easy
mind: “You are one that will always fall on your feet,” he said, with
perfect satisfaction. Captain Despard even, who had at first resented
the new arrangement of affairs, came at last in his finest manner and
made very pretty speeches to Captain Temple and his wife. “If, as I
understand, my daughter’s society is a real pleasure to you,” he said,
“I am always glad when I or mine can be of use to my neighbours, and
certainly, my dear Madam, she shall stay. Indeed, in the present state
of my domestic circumstances,” he added, with a wave of his hand, not
perceiving Captain Temple’s angry eagerness to speak, which his wife
subdued with a supplicating gesture, “I will not conceal from you that
it is an ease to my mind to know that Lottie is among the friends of her
own choice. My wife and she,” Captain Despard said, with a little shrug
of his shoulders--“we all know what ladies are, and that occasionally
unpleasantnesses will occur--my wife and she have not got on together.”
Thus Lottie was left by those who belonged to her. And when she retired
to the room that was her own in the new home--which was so like the
little room in the old, but so much more dainty, with everything in it
that the old people could think of to make her comfortable, and all the
little decorations which a mother invents for her child, Lottie would
stand in the midst of these evidences of love and kindness, and ask
herself what she could do--she had never been so well off in her life,
what could she do? She had “no claim” upon the Temples, as the Signor
said, “no right” to their kindness. The Captain’s niece, who lived in
St. Michael’s, looked at the interloper, as the nearest relative of a
foolish old couple who were wasting their means upon a stranger might be
excused for looking. What was she doing but living on their charity?
What could she do? Oh, that she had now the voice which she had cared so
little for when she had it! How strange, how strange it all seemed to
her now! She had, she said to herself, a trade, an honest trade in her
hands, and she had not cared for it, had struggled against its exercise,
had not wished to qualify herself for its use; and now it was lost to
her. This was the only thing that was Lottie’s fault; the other strange
paradoxes about her had come without any doing of hers. But the result
of all was that, with love and kindness on every side, she had no place
that belonged to her, no right to anything. After the kind people who
were so good to her had gone to their rest, the girl would sit and think
over this problem. What was she to do? To be obliged to think of this
did her good; it took her mind away from the wounds of her heart, it
brought in new objects--new thoughts. She could not dwell for ever, as a
disengaged mind might have done, amid the ruined temples and palaces of
her love; she could not sink to the ground, and conclude, as in happier
circumstances a broken-hearted girl might have been tempted to do, that
all was over. On the contrary, life not being over, nor any end
procurable by means of hers, an entire world of new difficulties and
troubles was brought in which Lottie had to meet, and, as she might,
find a solution for.
On the day before Law’s departure, which had been so often delayed, she
went back to her father’s house, under her brother’s guardianship, to
take away the few little possessions which remained there. Law had been
a very faithful guardian of Lottie’s little belongings. There was
nothing that Polly would have liked better than to enter and rummage
through her step-daughter’s things, searching for secrets through all
the little drawers and boxes which Lottie had taken a girlish pleasure
in keeping in good order. But Law had stood up like a dragon for his
sister’s property; and Captain Despard, who sometimes put himself on
Lottie’s side, by a certain _esprit de famille_ against the wife, who,
after all, was an alien and not one of them, supported Law. Thus the men
of her family, though they had not hesitated to treat her carelessly and
even harshly themselves, yet made a certain stand against the
interference of any other. It was a day in early April when Lottie
reluctantly went into her father’s house on this errand. Polly was out;
the house was vacant and quiet as when it had been her own, and it is
not to be described with what a yearning the girl looked at the shabby
furniture, the old piano, the faded rooms in which she had spent many a
troubled and many a dull day, and beat her wings against the bars of her
cage, and wished for a hundred things which were never to be hers. The
reader knows how far Lottie had been from being happy: but yet she
thought she had been happy, and that nothing better could have been
desired than to be the household Providence, and “take care,” as she
called it, of her father and brother. All that was over. She could not
bear to go into the little drawing-room, where he had visited her, where
she had lived in such a world of dreams. Her heart beat as she went up
the old stairs. She was far better off with the Temples, who could not
pet or serve her enough; yet with what a yearning she came into the
house which had once been hers, but in which now there was no place for
her! In her own room, thanks to Law’s care, she found everything as she
had left it; and it is not to be told what anguish filled Lottie’s
breast as she looked at her little white dress, all carefully prepared
for the event which was never to happen, and the little box with the
bonnet which she had made in such sweet agitation and tumult of heart.
And there was the pearl locket upon its white ribbon, her sole ornament.
She gathered these things together and carried them, not letting even
Law touch them, to her new home. She could not speak as she went up and
shut herself in her room. A little fire was burning there, a luxury
unknown to Lottie in the days when she was her own mistress, and no one
cared how chilly she might be. Then with old Lear’s “climbing sorrow” in
her throat, she undid the little bit of maidenly finery for which she
had so much wanted a sprig of orange blossom. It was a nothing, a little
knot of tulle and ribbon--a piece of vanity not worthy a thought; so any
moralist would have said who had seen Lottie stand speechless, tearless,
a great sob in her throat, with the poor little bonnet in her hand. A
bonnet, there is nothing tragic in that. She put it upon her fire and
watched the light stuff flame and fall into sudden ashes. It was the
affair of a moment; but those hopes, those prospects of which it had
been the token, her life itself, with all that was beautiful in it,
seemed ended too.
Then she sat down for the hundredth time and confronted the waste of
darkness that was her life. What was she to do? Perhaps it was the final
ending of her dream, symbolised by the destruction of that bit of tulle
and ribbon, which moved her. For the first time her dreamy
self-questions took a different tone. She asked herself, not what am I
to do? but something more definite. Law was going away the next day, the
only being except her father to whom she had any right, on whom she had
any claim--going away in comfort, in high hope, as much as she could
have desired for him. By whose doing? She had given up the care of Law,
selfishly absorbed in her own hopes; and who was it who had taken her
place and done the thing which Lottie had only wished and longed to do?
She seemed to see him standing before her, with tenderness beyond words
in his eyes. Always her good angel: how often he had interposed to help
her!--from that early time at the Deanery when she had sung false in her
agitation, and he had covered the error and beguiled her into the divine
song which at that very moment she could hear thrilling all the air,
pealing from the Abbey. Was it because this happened to be the afternoon
anthem that she thought of that simple beginning of the Minor Canon’s
benefits? Never since had he failed her; though of all the people upon
whom Lottie had no claim, he it was on whom she had the least claim. He
had saved Law from his aimless idleness, and it was he who had awakened
herself out of the miserable dream that had almost cost her her life.
How could she repay him for all he had done for her? In one way, one
only way. She shuddered, then stilled herself, and faced the thought
with all the courage she had left. Marry him! If he would have her, if
he wanted her, why should not she marry him? She trembled as the words
came into her mind. It was not she that said them; something seemed to
say them in her mind, without any will of hers. So good a man, so kind.
Did it matter so much whether she liked it, whether she did not like it,
so long as it pleased him? Perhaps this was not the right way in which
such a calculation ought to be made, but Lottie did not think of that.
At all times it had been easier for her to think of others than of
herself. Only once had she pleased herself, and no good had come of it.
Her heart began to beat with a heroic impulse. She was not worth his
having, she whom everyone had cast off; but if he thought so? She
shuddered, yet her heart rose high in her bosom. She would do her best,
she would be a good wife, that would be within her power. She would
serve him humbly, that he might forgive her for not loving him. She rose
up to her feet unconsciously as this great resolution came upon her
mind.
“Lottie,” said Law at her door, “the service is over, and the Signor is
practising. Come over to the Abbey with me. I’d like to wander about the
old place a little the last night I am here. Come, it’ll be something to
think of,” said Law, more moved than he liked to show, “when we’re
thousands of miles separate over the sea.”
Lottie did not wait to be asked again. She hurried to him, glad to be
thus delivered from the thoughts that were getting too much for her.
Long, long months had passed since the brother and sister had gone to
church together, their close vicinity to the Abbey and its frequent
services had broken up the old childish Sunday habits. And it was not
going to church in the ordinary way, but only roaming through to the
silent beautiful place all deserted, with the organ pealing through its
silence. Law’s heart was touched, though he was too successful and
prosperous now to be easily moved. He strayed about the majestic
stillness of the nave with tears in his eyes, thinking--this time
to-morrow! This time to-morrow he would probably be prosaically ill or
prosaically comfortable, and thinking little of what he left. But for
the moment it seemed to Law that when he once was gone, his heart would
turn like that of any poet, to the sweet friends to whom that day he had
said farewell.
The Abbey was altogether still except for the music. No one was about;
the last ray of the westerly sun had got in among the canopy work over
the stalls, and tangled itself there. Underneath the shadows of the
evening were creeping dimly, and through the great vault the organ
pealed. What bursts of wonderful sound, what glories in the highest,
what quiverings of praise unspeakable! Lottie raised her face unawares
to the gallery from which that music came. How her life had gone along
with it, shaping itself to that high accompaniment! It had run through
everything, delight and misery alike, good and evil. Her heart was moved
already, and trembling under the touch of new impulses, resolutions,
emotions. She stood still unawares, with her face turned that way, a new
light coming upon it; once more the music got into her soul. With her
head raised, her arms falling by her side, her heart going upwards in an
ecstasy of sudden feeling, she stood spell-bound. She did not hear--how
should she?--a whisper in the organ-loft, a noiseless change of music,
nor see the anxious faces looking out upon her from among the fretwork
of the carved screen. The torrent of sound changed; it breathed into a
celestial softness of sorrow and hope; tears dropped liquid like a
falling of rain; a counter stream of melody burst forth. Lottie did not
know what she was doing, the spell upon her was broken. “I know that my
Redeemer liveth:” she lifted up her voice and sang.
In the organ loft there was a group which clustered together, scarcely
venturing to breathe. The Signor was the one who had most command of
himself. “I always knew it would come back,” he said in sharp staccato
syllables, as he played on. Young Purcell, who loved her, sat down in
the shadow and laughed and cried, blubbering not with dignity. The Minor
Canon, who did not once take his eyes from her, waiting the moment that
she might falter or want succour, watched, looking over the carved rail
with face lighted up like her own.
Thus was Lottie restored to Art; was it to Love too?
THE END.
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