| By Author | [ A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z | Other Symbols ] |
| By Title | [ A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z | Other Symbols ] |
| By Language |
|
Download this book: [ ASCII ] Look for this book on Amazon Tweet |
Title: How to Pick a Mate: The Guide to a Happy Marriage
Author: Adams, Clifford Rose, Packard, Vance O.
Language: English
As this book started as an ASCII text book there are no pictures available.
*** Start of this LibraryBlog Digital Book "How to Pick a Mate: The Guide to a Happy Marriage" ***
=TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE=
The tables in this book are best viewed using a monospace font.
_How to Pick a Mate_
HOW TO
PICK A MATE
_THE GUIDE
TO A HAPPY MARRIAGE_
BY
DR. CLIFFORD R. ADAMS
_Associate Professor of Psychology and Director of the Marriage
Counseling Service, Pennsylvania State College. Member of the
American Association of Marriage Counselors. Director of the
Woman’s Home Companion Marriage Clinic._
AND
VANCE O. PACKARD
_Staff Writer, The American Magazine_
NEW YORK
E. P. DUTTON & COMPANY, INC.
1946
_Copyright, 1946, by E. P. Dutton & Co., Inc._
_All rights reserved. Printed in the U.S.A._
FIRST EDITION
NO PART of this book may be reproduced in any form without
permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer
who wishes to quote brief passages in connection with a review
written for inclusion in magazine or newspaper or radio broadcast.
_To_
OUR TWO DAUGHTERS
_and_
OUR TWO SONS
_Who Have Yet to Pick Their Mates_
Contents
PAGE
LIST OF TESTS 9
FOREWORD 11
CHAPTER
I. WHY MARRY, ANYHOW? 15
II. YOUR CHANCES OF GETTING A MATE YOU’LL LIKE 23
III. ARE YOU READY FOR MARRIED LOVE? 38
IV. IS IT LOVE--OR INFATUATION? 47
V. GROWING UP SEXUALLY 55
VI. SEX ADVENTURING 63
VII. DO YOU FRIGHTEN POSSIBLE MATES AWAY? 74
VIII. ATTRACTING THE ONE YOU WANT 83
IX. IS THE ONE YOU WANT THE ONE YOU NEED? 91
X. CRUCIAL TRAITS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE 98
XI. TEST YOUR MATE AND YOURSELF 107
XII. NOW, SEE HOW YOU MATCH AS A COUPLE! 124
XIII. BEWARE OF MIXED MARRIAGES 139
XIV. NINE DANGEROUS CHARACTERS 146
XV. PEOPLE WHO SHOULD NOT MARRY AT ALL 156
XVI. WILL A JOB UNDERMINE YOUR MARRIAGE? 165
XVII. THE VETERAN AS A MATE 174
XVIII. SO YOU AGREE TO MARRY: WHAT NEXT? 183
XIX. GETTING READY FOR MARRIED INTIMACY 189
XX. GETTING OFF TO A GOOD START 195
AFTER THOUGHTS 204
APPENDIX A: SELECTED BIBLIOGRAPHY 206
APPENDIX B: MARRIAGE COUNSELING AGENCIES 211
INDEX 213
List of Tests
CHAPTER PAGE
II. 1. _What Is Your Expectancy of Marriage?_ 35
III. 2. _Are You Old Enough to Marry?_ 44
III. 3. _Are You Grown Up Emotionally?_ 44
IV. 4. _Are You Really in Love?_ 52
VI. 5. _Are You Warm or Cool by Nature?_ 72
VII. 6. _Do You Have a Negative or Positive Personality?_ 81
VIII. 7. _What Traits to Look for in Mates (check list)_ 87
X. 8. _Ten Basic Background Questions_ 100
XI. 9. _Sociability_ 107
XI. 10. _Conformity_ 108
XI. 11. _Tranquillity_ 109
XI. 12. _Dependability_ 110
XI. 13. _Stability_ 111
XI. 14. _Standards and Ideals_ 112
XI. 15. _Steadiness_ 113
XI. 16. _Flexibility_ 114
XI. 17. _Seriousness_ 114
XI. 18. _Family Background_ 115
XI. 19. _Prediction of Individual Marital Happiness
(Composite)_ 116
XII. 20. _Do You Match?_ 127
XII. 21. _Are You Well Mated?_ 136
XIV. 22. _Are You Too Jealous?_ 154
XV. 23. _Is the Mate a Neurotic?_ 163
_Appendix A. Books You May Wish to Read_ 206
_Appendix B. Marriage Counseling Agencies_ 211
Foreword
As far as we know this is the first time anyone has written a book
attempting to put mate selection on a sensible basis, despite the
fact that sooner or later almost everybody selects one.
A good many people resent the idea of an outsider telling _them_
how they should pick a mate. They think it smacks of meddling.
Marriage is something sacred and personal. It should not be done
according to rules. We heartily sympathize.
Unfortunately, however, marriages are _not_ made in Heaven. Usually
people marry by hunch or impulse ... or because their parents think
it is a good match ... or because they get themselves so deeply
involved romantically that marrying seems the only proper thing to
do.
Too frequently such methods merely mess up a couple of people’s
lives. More than a third of all the millions of marriages
undertaken in the last ten years are in trouble. Many are already
dissolved. Many more soon will be.
A great deal of research and counseling has now been done in the
field of marriage, and the findings validated. At Penn State, for
example, hundreds of couples who were tested before marriage at the
Marriage Counseling Service are checked periodically after marriage
to find how they are making out. Of all the marriages which the
service predicted would be successful, not one has yet ended in
divorce or separation. Most of the people who went ahead despite
the clinic’s cautions are already in serious trouble or have been
divorced.
As a result of many such investigations, reliable information is
available on the kinds of people who make the best mates, and on
the causes of marriage success and failure.
In this book we have tried to include those findings which should
be most helpful and interesting to all people involved in love or
marriage--but particularly to people who sooner or later will be
taking unto themselves a mate. It is not our intention to lay down
a set of rules for people to follow. But we hope that after reading
this book you will be more enlightened in your hunches than you
might be otherwise, and be a much happier and more desirable mate
yourself!
_How to Pick a Mate_
_Chapter I_
Why Marry, Anyhow?
Mating is as old as Eve. In fact it is the oldest and most popular
custom ever devised by mankind. Even in the most isolated tribes
that explorers have uncovered on this globe adult males pair up
with females to live together as man and wife.
In many areas of the world, it is true, marriages are still
arranged by the elders, often at a neat financial profit to the
bride’s parents. Freedom of choice in mating is a newfangled idea.
And in Madagascar the groom is warned at the wedding that he can
beat the bride all he pleases, but if he breaks any bones or gouges
any eyes she has a perfect right to go home to mother. Yet even
there mating is popular.
Though marriage is the most universal institution known to man
increasing numbers of Americans are shunning it by divorce or
otherwise. About ten per cent of our marriageable men have become
unbudgeable bachelors. The number of women who are choosing careers
to marriage is soaring. Moreover there are 1,500,000 men and women
in America who tried marriage and are now living apart in divorce.
Many others were divorced, then remarried.
Thus “Why marry, anyhow?” is today a fair question. So let’s face
right at the start the main reasons why people do not marry, or
stay married.
Many people do not marry because they don’t relish the idea of
giving up their freedom, their independence. Some men do not like
the idea of being “saddled” with family responsibilities and
being “tied down” to one woman. Likewise, some women have become
so accustomed to living alone--and are so reluctant to give up
careers--that they hesitate to give up their independence, until it
is too late.
Many other girls and men do not marry because they are too
particular. Often they have a “phantasy ideal” of the mate they
want and can’t find such an interested party in real life. Girls
for example often sigh that they want a man “tall, dark and
handsome--and graying at the temples.” Without realizing it at
least a quarter of all girls yearn for a man who looks like their
own father. And a quarter of the men pick someone who looks vaguely
like their own mother.
There are still other people who don’t marry because they lack
a decent opportunity. Girls who choose nursing as a career, for
example, cut their marriage prospects at least fifty per cent. It
is much the same for librarians and social workers. In fact a girl
can reduce her chances of marriage merely by going to a girls’
college.
Then there is a large group who do not marry because they have
been disappointed in love--perhaps an early love affair ended in
disappointment or grief. It produced a psychological scar that
prevented the person from achieving happiness through marriage
with anyone else. The death of Ann Rutledge shook Abraham Lincoln
so profoundly that though he finally married years later, for
appearances’ sake, he was a miserable husband. A boy who imagines
himself passionately in love and then is jilted by a girl who
doesn’t even let him down gently may lose faith and crawl into a
psychological shell in his relations with other women.
One college girl became enamored, during her sophomore year, of
a prominent man-about-campus. She came from a fine Philadelphia
family and was an attractive, sincere girl. But she was very
naïve. This man began rushing her. He took her to parties at his
fraternity, took her for several moonlight rides in his roadster,
and told her she was the girl he had always dreamed of. Within
three weeks she had lost her virginity. In a few more weeks he
had lost interest and was off to make new conquests, and she came
to the sickening realization that he had merely been exploiting
her love for physical pleasure. Disillusioned, she had to change
colleges to keep from facing her friends. She did not tell this
story to the counselors at the Penn State Marriage Counseling
Service (“Compatibility Clinic”) until two years later. During
those two years she had been so crushed and full of bitterness that
she had not let another man touch or even kiss her.
Occasionally men and women do not marry because they have family
responsibilities--perhaps a widowed mother or younger orphaned
brothers and sisters--which make them feel they can’t afford, or
have no right, to take on a mate.
Still others have physical handicaps. There are some handicaps,
of course, that are severe enough to be a real handicap, like the
loss of both arms, but more often the handicaps are not serious
in themselves. They are serious because the possessor magnifies
them in his mind and begins feeling inadequate and inferior. The
same applies to a person who thinks he is ugly. Irregular facial
features in themselves are never a serious handicap if their
possessor has self-confidence and a pleasant personality.
The main reason why people do not marry, however, is that they have
an unhealthy attitude which makes it virtually impossible for them
to adjust themselves happily to thoughts of marriage. They are full
of fears about the obligations that marriage may bring.
Some are too selfish or too egocentric to be able to compromise;
and in marriage as in any partnership the partners must be able to
sacrifice their private desires for the common cause. Marriage is
no place for prima donnas.
Other poorly adjusted persons are incapable of accepting the many
responsibilities that go with marriage. Perhaps their mother or
father tied them down so closely as a child that they never had
a chance to develop their own feeling of self-sufficiency and
independence. There are parents who cannot turn their children
loose. They object to dating until the youngsters have become so
old that learning to get along with the other sex is difficult.
Such children have a fixation for the parents and cannot see
another person entering the picture as a possible substitute or
replacement. This is called the Oedipus complex and it is no
bogey dreamed up by psychologists. A boy may not marry because
he is still jealously in “love” with his own mother. A girl may
not marry because she is in “love” with her father. This kind of
fixation is made more acute when the parent is selfish or lonely
and builds a network around the child which makes escape impossible.
There are some people who are suspicious or jealous by nature.
Their emotional instability usually frightens away prospective
mates.
Many other people, particularly girls, have an unhealthy attitude
toward marriage because they are frightened by the physical
intimacies that go with marriage. A 29-year-old wife who had been
married four years confessed recently that she dreaded the thought
of physical intimacy with her husband. She had moved to another
room and was in a rebellious mood. This wife unconsciously revealed
a clue to her coldness when she related remarks her mother had made
to her during girlhood. The mother had talked of her own agonies
during the girl’s birth and had told how the process had injured
her internally. The mother had talked of physical intimacy as one
of the burdens a wife has to bear. One night, when the girl had
been thus conditioned, a date stopped his car on a side road and
tried to caress her. She was terrified. Now, twelve years later and
formally married, she was still on guard.
The war gave many young people an unhealthy attitude toward
marriage. A desire for a “last fling” impelled many of them
to promiscuous behavior that has left them with psychological
scars. Some men saw so many “loose” women near their stations and
embarkation ports (and frequently had affairs themselves with such
women) that their attitude toward all women was cheapened. Other
young people--both male and female--were separated so long from
contact with the opposite sex that they developed--or feared they
had developed--unnatural feelings toward members of the same sex;
or thought they lost the knack of making themselves seem attractive
to girls or men, whichever the opposite may be.
A good many veterans saw so much of war and its destruction that
they became cynical of human life and pessimistic about the future.
This put them in an extremely poor mood to think of mating.
Yet to millions of other veterans war made marriage seem terribly
attractive. After leading a shifting existence where nothing seemed
real or permanent, the lasting, unchanging things in life appeared
more significant than ever before. Marriage, ideally, is one of the
most permanent things in life. It gives a person a chance to sink
roots.
This brings us to the other side of the picture: why people _do_
marry. There are thirty million married couples in America today,
and they didn’t get married just because it is the customary thing
to do.
Marriage _must_ have something to offer. If you doubt it consider
these facts:
--Married people normally live longer than single people.
According to the Metropolitan Life Insurance Company report
of 1937, twice as many single men from thirty to forty-five
die as married men in the same age bracket. For women between
thirty and sixty-five the married women have a ten per cent
advantage over the single women. Twice as many widowers die
as do men who remain married.
--Fewer married people go to jail than single people.
--Fewer go crazy.
--Fewer commit suicide.
These facts would certainly indicate that married people are
happier, better adjusted persons than unmarried persons, despite
all the tales about henpecked husbands and browbeaten wives.
Then there are some very practical, hard-boiled reasons why it pays
to marry.
For one thing it is cheaper for two people to live together than to
live separately. It costs only two-thirds as much.
By marrying, a man becomes a better employment risk. Married men
usually are regarded as more steady, more trustworthy employees
than single men. This is logical. Marriage exerts a stabilizing
influence on most men. An employer can assume that since a
married man has taken on the responsibilities of a family he
is a better risk than a man who has shown no ability to assume
responsibilities. Another point is that the married man is less apt
to leave a good job than a single man.
Furthermore a married person is regarded more favorably socially
than a bachelor or spinster. This is not just a “ganging up”
of spouses against anyone not similarly coupled, though that
may be a factor. It’s a fact that there is a greater feeling of
belongingness to the community for the married person than for the
bachelor or spinster. A married man is better able to entertain
acquaintances in his own home. And right or wrong most people
feel there is something a bit unnatural about an adult remaining
unmarried. Psychiatrists agree that except in exceptional cases
women who live alone will become neurotic and frustrated. Living
alone is an abnormal state for a woman. (She overcomes this
hazard only by accepting her fate realistically and setting out
intelligently to find enrichment and satisfaction in life.)
Married people are less lonely than single people because they have
someone with whom to share life’s dull as well as exciting moments
and to share their problems and hopes and ambitions.
Also married couples who raise families frequently have an
insurance against old age--the knowledge that in their growing
children there will be someone to take care of them if necessary.
Life is also more comfortable if you are married than if single, at
least for a man. It provides him with home cooking in his own home
and someone to keep his socks in order.
A basic argument for marriage is that it offers a logical division
of labor. Imagine how much more complicated and inconvenient
life would be if men had to do their own cooking and sewing, and
women--all women--had to compete with men for a livelihood!
Finally marriage offers a legalized way to achieve sexual
satisfaction. Men and women can receive relief from their bodily
tensions without the terrible feelings of guilt, anxiety and
remorse that often accompany unmarried love. That’s something.
Modern psychology recognizes that sexual satisfaction is more
than a physiological process of reproducing one’s kind. It is a
psychologically satisfying activity and releases many nervous
tensions as well as tensions brought about by hormonal or glandular
needs.
Those then are the obvious, practical reasons why marriage is so
universally popular. But beyond those are some important but less
understood cravings which marriage satisfies.
--Beyond the desire for sex satisfaction, for example, is
the yearning of both men and women to share the love and
affection of somebody of the opposite sex, someone who takes
a genuine interest in them. This sometimes is called a need
for sexually colored companionship. This is why married
people don’t feel the need to run around to shows and parties
the way single people do. They have their own companionship
within the family. Mark Twain, in his amusing “Extracts from
Adam’s Diary” showed the bond created by such companionship
when he quoted Adam as reminiscing:
“At first I thought Eve talked too much but ... after all
these years I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the
beginning. It is better to live outside the Garden with her
than inside it without her.... Wheresoever she is, there is
Eden.”
--A desire for mastery on the part of most men and a desire
to be led on the part of most women is another psychological
motive that is satisfied by marriage. It is the thrill of
mastery that causes a youth to careen dangerously down the
highway at eighty miles an hour or to ride a horse at a
break-neck gallop.
--There is a desire for pride that is satisfied by saying “my
husband,” or “my wife,” or “my oldest kid.”
--There is a desire for security, a need both real and
psychological, that afflicts all of us. We all like to know
that there is someone who will look after us when we are
sick, someone to comfort us when we are grieved, someone to
help us when we are weary. Women particularly feel this need
for security. In fact some observers who work a great deal
in testing the reactions of women to the problems of life
say that in women this yearning for security overshadows
everything else. Women feel the need for security so much
more keenly because, if nothing else, they are the “weaker”
sex. They are more dependent on men for their livelihood.
Our returning veterans feel an intense need for another kind of
security which marriage can give. After years of uncertainty,
shifting, and tearing down of life and property they desperately
want to get a hold on something permanent, and to many of them
marriage looks like the very best way to do it.
--For much the same reasons veterans want to raise families.
After so much destruction they want to build, they want to
create life, life bearing their own likeness, life that will
continue after they are gone. Watching and guiding one’s own
children while they grow up is one of the greatest pleasures
of marriage. A couple who deliberately abstains from having
children is a selfish couple. Surveys show they mostly do
it out of selfishness, the desire of the wife for a career
or “dislike for children.” These reasons are those we would
expect from maladjusted people. Certainly by voluntarily
remaining childless they miss one of the greatest chances to
achieve a happy marriage.
By achieving a happy marriage and having children many people
make up for the frustrations and disappointments they have
received from life, their dissatisfaction with their job and
their own childhood. Children bring them compensation for
their own failures.
--Finally, marriage enables two people to work together
in setting up common goals and--by dreaming, planning,
struggling--to achieve those goals. Perhaps the goal is
to build a home or take a vacation trip to South America
together or to put a son through college. The specific goals
are not important. The enrichment comes from the two people’s
merging their hopes and efforts toward one mutually-desired
goal.
Getting married is one of the biggest steps a person takes in
life. In fact, for most people life boils down to coping with
three big problems:
--Learning to get along with people.
--Choosing a career and succeeding in it.
--Picking a mate and living happily thereafter.
The three are interdependent. Marriage counselors have noticed the
significant fact that the individual who makes friends readily,
who likes his work and is successful in it, is also the person who
tends to choose an excellent mate for himself and work out with
that mate a happy marriage.
_Chapter II_
Your Chances of Getting a Mate You’ll Like
First, you might ask, what are your chances of getting a mate of
any kind? If you are a man, and are interested, you can be almost
one hundred per cent certain you will marry. More than ten per cent
of the eligible men today won’t marry, but that will largely be due
to the fact that they prefer to remain bachelors.
If you are a girl the chances that you will marry are not quite as
good. At the start of the war about thirteen per cent of the girls
were failing to marry. The prospect now is that for several years
after the war about fourteen or fifteen per cent will fail. It will
be a good market for men.
Girls in some age brackets will be hit harder than others, and
we sympathize with the girls past twenty-five who feel they were
passing the peak of the eligibility curve for marriage while many
of the best male prospects were still away in the armed forces.
These girls have cause for concern. The surplus of grown women over
men--which is something new in our population--has been increased
by war casualties. And the number of men who prefer bachelorhood
is apt to increase from ten per cent at present to perhaps fifteen
per cent because the older a single man becomes the less he thinks
about marriage. This war has created a great many “old” single men.
It is estimated that between two million and five million of the
marriageable women in America today will never marry. Sociologists
are already worrying about this “lost generation” of our women
between twenty and thirty-five, with those in their late twenties
presumably hit the hardest.
You may ask when a girl reaches the peak of her eligibility
for marriage. In normal years the peak is between nineteen and
twenty-one, and the curve declines markedly after the twenty-fifth
birthday. Here are the chances for men and women to marry by
certain ages:
CHANCES OF WHITE MALES AND WHITE FEMALES BEING MARRIED BY VARIOUS
AGES (1940 CENSUS)
CHANCES OF CHANCES OF CHANCES OF MARRYING AT SOME
BY AGE BEING MARRIED BEING MARRIED PARTICULAR YEAR OF AGE
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Men Women Men Women
14 1 in 1000 3 in 1000 1 in 1000 3 in 1000
15 2 ” 12 ” 1 ” 9 ”
16 3 ” 39 ” 1 ” 27 ”
17 7 ” 90 ” 4 ” 51 ”
18 21 ” 177 ” 14 ” 87 ”
19 54 ” 270 ” 33 ” 93 ”
20 109 ” 372 ” 55 ” 102 ”
21 190 ” 456 ” 81 ” 84 ”
22 272 ” 538 ” 82 ” 82 ”
23 371 ” 613 ” 99 ” 75 ”
24 457 ” 671 ” 86 ” 58 ”
25 531 ” 714 ” 74 ” 43 ”
26 592 ” 749 ” 61 ” 35 ”
27 650 ” 780 ” 58 ” 31 ”
28 694 ” 799 ” 44 ” 19 ”
29 738 ” 823 ” 44 ” 24 ”
30 748 ” 822 ” 10 ” 1 ”
31 790 ” 853 ” 42 ” 30 ”
32 791 ” 853 ” 1 ” 1 ”
33 814 ” 870 ” 23 ” 17 ”
34 828 ” 874 ” 14 ” 4 ”
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The odds for men show that only about one in ten marries before
he is twenty-one; one in three marry at ages twenty-one to
twenty-five; about three to ten marry between twenty-five and
thirty, and about one in ten marries between thirty and thirty-five.
A factor unfavorable to the older girls, past twenty-five, is that
as men become older they tend to marry increasingly younger girls.
Normally, for example, a man of twenty-five will marry a girl of
twenty-two, whereas a man of thirty-one will probably marry a girl
of twenty-five. That’s why girls in the present twenty-five to
thirty-five group may be hardest hit by the war. One encouraging
possibility, however, is that veterans are looking for more wisdom
and maturity in their brides than civilians of the same age usually
do. There have been a good many reports of veterans marrying girls
five and ten years their senior.
Idealistically, the best age for a girl to marry is from twenty-one
to twenty-seven, and for a man from twenty-five to thirty.
Of all women who do marry, about fifty-six per cent are married
by their twenty-fifth birthday, about eighty-four per cent by
their thirtieth birthday and about ninety-five per cent by their
thirty-fifth birthday. After thirty-five a woman has to get busy if
she wants to marry!
Thirty-five is when an unmarried woman can no longer consider
herself a “young maid.”
The marriage prospects for girls today would not be quite so
unfavorable if our men would all seek mates. As it is, with from
ten to fifteen per cent preferring to remain single, at least
a million girls will not have an opportunity to marry. As far
as we can gather the reason behind this masculine perversity is
that boys, unlike girls, are not indoctrinated with the idea that
marriage should be one of their big goals in life.
But why, you may ask, are there more eligible girls than men in
America? The imbalance caused by the war is not the only reason.
Here are some other reasons for the shortage of males that looms:
--Men die younger than women. The “weaker sex” is actually
the tougher sex when it comes to reaching a ripe old age.
--Our male surplus of immigrants has been about used up.
Immigration is a form of pioneering and has been considered
primarily a task of man. When the flow of immigrants was
heavy it accounted for many thousands of our male surplus.
Now the flow has dwindled to a trickle.
--America is no longer a “young” nation. And of course the
older our population becomes, the more feminine it becomes
for the reasons mentioned above. There are still more boy
babies born in America than girl babies (about 105 boys per
hundred girls) but because the males die faster--both by
natural causes and by accidents--the males slip into the
minority now after the age of twenty-five.
War affects marriage in very peculiar ways. During the initial
phase of World War II, marriages increased at a spectacular rate.
This probably was due to the increasing prosperity (prosperity
increases both marriages and divorces!) and by the psychological
incentives to mate as a result of war. These include not only the
impulses to elude the draft, but the yearning of a boy to keep some
visible contact with home and the yearning of the girl to have some
concrete commitment from a man when so many of them were leaving
the community to go to war.
By 1942, 1,800,000 marriages took place in the country, the highest
number in history. Then the rate started dropping off as men became
more scarce, so that by 1944 the number of marriages was only
1,440,000. In 1945 the trend was changing. Judging from events
after World War I, the postwar years will see a spurt in marriages
that may take the rate to nearly two million a year for a couple of
years. But that won’t change the fact that a good many girls still
will not have a chance to marry.
But even if you do marry, what are the chances you will get a mate
you like?
The answer depends a great deal on who you are. We can assure you
that such mates will not come automatically. Right now there are at
least a million married couples who are waiting to get a divorce.
Millions of other couples tolerate each other but are not happy by
any standards we could apply to them.
Many of the unsuccessful matches were “war marriages” hastily made.
A study made after the first war, of marriages hastily contracted
from 1916 to 1920 show that those marriages were less happy for
both men and women than those contracted before the war. Another
study showed that the marriages undertaken immediately after men
came back from World War I were not--on an average--as happy as
they would have been normally. The same will be true for many of
the hurriedly contracted marriages in 1946 and 1947.
These studies substantiate the fact that much greater likelihood
of mismating exists when marriages are hastily contracted, and
especially when contracted at a time of high emotional excitement.
As this book is written one marriage in five is ending in
divorce--and as we get further into the postwar years the rate will
probably rise to at least one failure in every four marriages.
Furthermore, if the long-range trends continue the divorce rate
will be one divorce for every two marriages by 1975! Hollywood
stars, and physicians in some states, are already close to that
rate. That’s pretty depressing to contemplate when you consider
that fifteen years ago the rate was one failure in fourteen
marriages.
Perhaps the one encouraging aspect of the growing male shortage
is that it may slow down the divorce rate. Divorces occur most
frequently when men are plentiful. When men are scarce women tend
to hang on to what they have and need to be provoked before they
will fly off to Reno.
Why is the divorce rate rising at such an ominous rate? Admittedly
there are deeper reasons than the war for the trend. Civilization,
in becoming more complex, puts greater strains and stresses on
marriage. Unhappy married couples are not held together as much as
they used to be by fears inspired by hell-and-damnation religion.
Our movies and soap operas present marriage in a fantastically
unreal light. Finally, it seems that our standards for marriage
happiness are now so low that people assume a couple is happy as
long as the husband doesn’t beat his wife openly.
You may be interested to know that all the trends indicate that
more divorced men remarry than do divorced women. In spite of the
fact that each divorce separates a couple, in 1940 there were twice
as many feminine divorcees who had not remarried as there were
unmarried male divorces. The records also disclose the interesting
fact that only about ten per cent of the women getting divorces ask
alimony, and that only six per cent get it.
Your chances of getting a mate you will like are even affected
by your sex. If you are a girl your chances are not as good as
if you were a man. This is largely due to the fact that a girl
cannot gracefully take the initiative in stalking a mate who looks
attractive to her. Women enjoy being pursued, but men still don’t!
They don’t want anything that seems too easy to win. If the woman
takes the initiative--at least if she takes it conspicuously--the
world will think her aggressive, and unladylike. She will be
thought “common,” for instance, if she goes to the phone and asks a
boy for a date or if she proposes marriage. Despite the progress
of feminine emancipation during this century, and especially during
World War II, this is still a man’s world. And probably feminism
will be on the defensive after the war when the veterans return
and many of the women will be expected to retire gracefully to the
kitchens. At any rate, our present moral standards apparently make
it much more difficult for a girl to win some possible mate who
interests her than it is for a man.
Few of our younger people realize it but there are also a host of
other factors that often limit the number of acceptable mates they
are able to choose from.
Marriage counselors use the phrase “assortative mating” to describe
the way two people of the opposite sex pair up on the basis of
being pretty much like each other and living in much the same
neighborhood. The term was first used to describe the way animals
mate on the basis of similar size and color.
Today’s men and girls often set up criteria in selecting a mate
that narrow their possible choices more than they realize. A man
often has some pretty specific ideas on the kind of girl he wants
to marry, and the girl has similar ideas about her husband-to-be.
The chances of a person getting a mate he will like becomes less
and less as he raises his qualifications.
In the early days of American life, when civilization was much
simpler than it is today--and when people differed less in their
social and economic status--a girl or man usually could find among
five acquaintances someone suitable for marriage. The situation is
decidedly different today. One authority in this field estimates
that a girl, for example, needs to know twenty or twenty-five young
men in order that she may have sufficient range to find someone
eligible for her needs.
Let’s look at some of the little-considered factors that limit your
choice.
* * * * *
HOW OLD MUST YOUR MATE BE? Many people who are looking for a mate
think it is bad for the bride to be older than the groom. The girl
is especially sensitive about this because she feels she may be
losing prestige. Actually such marriages usually turn out to be
happier than average because the girl is usually more eager to
prove herself a good wife and is less apt to be a clinging vine;
but that doesn’t change the fact that some people still frown on
such marriages.
Society also frowns on matches where there is a great difference
in age. For example marriages where the man is ten years older
are viewed with alarm. For reasons not too well understood,
marriages in which the husband is from four to seven years older
than his bride are less happy than those involving any other age
differences. However, if the man is eight or more years older, no
special handicap seems to be involved.
Taken as a whole the happiest--and most socially approved--marriages
are those in which the man is one to two years older.
* * * * *
HOW EDUCATED MUST YOUR MATE BE? All the studies that have been
made of marriage show that as one’s educational level rises,
an individual tends more and more to make a rational--and less
emotional--choice of a mate. The educated man has a greater range
of choice than the educated woman, because he is much more willing
to marry under his educational level whereas a woman--again for
reasons of prestige--is usually reluctant to do so. If she goes to
college, she feels she has no choice but to restrict her selection
to college men. By so confining herself and by leading a more
cloistered life than her cousin who never went past high school, a
college girl definitely reduces her chances of marrying. Whereas in
the past nearly ninety per cent of our women have married, it is
estimated that only about seventy-five per cent of college women
have married!
* * * * *
HOW MUCH MONEY MUST YOUR MATE HAVE? If you have money yourself
or have it in your family you are more apt to make a hard-headed
choice for a mate than one who has little money. He will marry
more spontaneously. If you think back you may remember that during
the depression of 1929-33 people of high economic status postponed
marrying until more stable times whereas the people with small
incomes went right on marrying, if they could possibly manage it.
Generally people tend to marry pretty much into their own economic
class. The girl who was raised in the poor section of town and is
now working as a sales clerk in a five-and-ten store may yearn to
marry a sophisticated man from a wealthy family, but that is not
the kind of mate she needs. It is doubtful that she could be happy
with him because their differences are too great.
There are exceptions, of course. Occasionally we all read about,
and cheer, a news report of a modern Cinderella but we usually
frown when we read of the opposite: of a rich girl marrying a poor
man. That somehow seems abnormal to us. The girl may lose caste. A
man of moderate means who himself married a debutante expressed his
views on such arrangements however when he said to us: “Never marry
for money. But it’s just as easy to fall in love with a rich girl!”
* * * * *
HOW ABOUT THE MATE’S NATIONAL BACKGROUND AND RELIGION? Are you an
American of Italian extraction who would not consider marrying a
girl of Swedish background? Or are you a Catholic who would not
think of marrying anyone but another Catholic? You may have good
reasons for your exclusiveness but the fact remains that your field
has been narrowed.
* * * * *
HOW IS YOUR JOB AFFECTING YOUR PROSPECTS? People tend to marry
mates who live conveniently near and who have similar interests.
(About a fifth of all married couples meet each other at work.) A
school teacher, for example, is much more likely to know school
teachers of the opposite sex than to know physicians of the
opposite sex. Yet many occupations are such that far more of one
sex enter them than is true of the other. For example, there are
normally nearly five women teachers to one man teacher; seven or
eight feminine librarians to one male librarian; some twenty-five
or thirty women in nursing to each man in somewhat similar work.
Is it any wonder that the rate of marriage among school teachers,
librarians and among nurses is much lower than average? Girls who
choose nursing for a career cut their marriage prospects by at
least 50 percent.
* * * * *
FINALLY, HOW IS GEOGRAPHY AFFECTING YOUR PROSPECTS FOR MATES?
Though the conditions of World War II broadened the matrimonial
horizon of many men and girls as they moved about the country the
fact remains that location is an important factor in confining the
choice of millions of people.
In a study of several thousand marriages in Philadelphia it was
discovered that four out of five young people there selected their
mates from within their own city. In one out of three of the
marriages the couple had lived within five blocks of each other
before marriage.
Looking at the country as a whole, some towns and sections offer
better marriage prospects than others. This is a little known
fact. For example, the cities of New England offer the poorest
possibilities for young women to marry of any section of the
country. This is mainly because the textile industries in that area
attract so many more women than men. Of the thirty United States
cities offering the poorest opportunities for marriage for women,
twenty-two are in New England. And of the thirty offering the best
opportunities for women, about half are in Michigan, Ohio and
Northern Indiana, where the automotive industries--which attract
far more men than women--are located.
It is interesting to note that during World War II the marriage
rate increased very rapidly in areas with new war industries
requiring a great number of men--shipbuilding, aircraft, metal
working. In Baltimore, the marriage rate went up nearly forty per
cent; in Hartford, important in aviation, it went up twenty-five
per cent.
Areas that consistently favor girls by providing a surplus of
eligible men are the Far West and the Southwest, particularly
Texas. The Deep South is much less favorable.
Where does your state stand on the ratio of eligible men to
eligible women? The typical American male marries at about
twenty-five and a half and the typical female at twenty-two and
a half, or about three years earlier. Thus perhaps the fairest
comparison would be to take the single men between twenty-three and
twenty-eight and the single women between twenty and twenty-five.
The following table shows how each state rates in such a
comparison. It is based on the 1940 census.
NUMBER OF SINGLE WHITE MALES 23-28 YEARS OLD FOR EACH 100 SINGLE
WHITE FEMALES 20-25 YEARS OLD
Nevada 177.21 Indiana 97.96
Wyoming 164.66 Georgia 97.56
Idaho 130.61 Illinois 95.42
California 128.01 Minnesota 95.41
Arizona 127.09 Delaware 94.29
Montana 125.49 Missouri 94.28
Washington 121.78 Mississippi 94.20
Dist. of Col. 119.20 Maine 93.20
Oregon 116.82 Alabama 93.17
New Mexico 113.19 Iowa 91.83
Florida 111.39 New Jersey 91.12
Texas 109.17 Ohio 90.92
Vermont 107.50 New York 90.46
Virginia 106.64 Pennsylvania 90.17
Maryland 106.18 Tennessee 90.03
North Dakota 105.76 Nebraska 89.56
Colorado 102.59 Utah 89.23
Michigan 101.68 New Hampshire 89.14
Louisiana 101.61 Kansas 88.66
Kentucky 100.98 Connecticut 88.57
Wisconsin 100.82 South Carolina 87.55
Arkansas 99.24 North Carolina 86.35
West Virginia 99.12 Massachusetts 83.25
South Dakota 98.32 Rhode Island 82.61
Oklahoma 97.99
Nevada leads the list as the paradise for girls since there are 177
men there for each 100 girls. At the other end of the scale Rhode
Island is over-populated with females (due to its many textile
mills) and so is an unpromising place for girls to find a mate
but a fine place for men. There are one hundred girls for every
eighty-three men.
Notice that all of the first nine states offering the best
possibilities for girls are in the West, and that the five most
favorable states for men are in the East. Perhaps the old slogan
“Go West, young man, go West” might be revised to read “Go East,
young man; go West, young woman.”
There is another age range that needs consideration. That is, the
groups who have not married by the time most people marry. These
groups are the men between thirty and thirty-five and girls between
twenty-five and thirty. Both these groups need to get busy because
they face a very definite possibility of becoming crusty old
bachelors or disgruntled spinsters. Since men past thirty tend to
marry women who are more than three years younger than themselves
it might be valid to compare the number of girls twenty-five to
thirty to the men thirty to thirty-five. Here again the West is
the great land of opportunity for girls while the Carolinas and
the New England textile states are still less inviting to girls.
One interesting thing is that in the Southern states of Kentucky,
Virginia and Louisiana a girl’s ratio is pretty favorable up to
twenty-five years but after that they become definitely _not_ good
places to find a husband.
If we take all single men as a whole and compare them to the single
women, without regard to age, here is how the states seem to shape
up:
THE TEN BEST FOR WOMEN THE TEN POOREST FOR WOMEN
AND POOREST FOR MEN AND BEST FOR MEN
Wyoming Massachusetts
Montana Rhode Island
Idaho Connecticut
Washington New Hampshire
Arizona New Jersey
California New York
North Dakota Pennsylvania
Oregon Ohio
South Dakota North Carolina
Nevada Missouri
Of the ten best states for women all are west of the Mississippi,
and of the best states for men all but one is east of the
Mississippi.
While the states themselves are pretty good guides as to where to
go to pick a mate, the location within a particular state may be of
even greater importance. For example, in Virginia, Norfolk rates as
a fine place for a girl to find a husband but Richmond rates way
down the scale. Here is a comparison of the number of white, single
girls in the twenty-five to thirty age group and of the white,
single men aged thirty to thirty-five in our 106 cities having
a population of fifty thousand or more. (In such a comparison,
incidentally, virtually all of our cities show a surplus of older
girls over older men when those two age groups are compared. Here,
however, we are interested only in the _relative_ desirability of
cities.)
THE TWENTY BEST CITIES FOR THE TWENTY POOREST CITIES FOR
WOMEN AND POOREST FOR MEN WOMEN AND BEST FOR MEN
(in order) (in order)
San Diego, Cal. Madison, Wis.
San Francisco, Cal. Lincoln, Neb.
Norfolk, Va. Des Moines, Ia.
Miami, Fla. Jackson, Miss.
Long Beach, Cal. Evanston, Ill.
Los Angeles, Cal. Minneapolis, Minn.
Phoenix, Ariz. Wichita, Kans.
Oakland, Cal. St. Paul, Minn.
Tacoma, Wash. Nashville, Tenn.
Sacramento, Cal. Winston-Salem, N. C.
San Antonio, Tex. Knoxville, Tenn.
Houston, Tex. Grand Rapids, Mich.
Detroit, Mich. Fort Wayne, Ind.
Baltimore, Md. Salt Lake City, Utah
Pueblo, Colo. New Haven, Conn.
Peoria, Ill. Omaha, Nebr.
Mobile, Ala. Cleveland, Ohio
Trenton, N. J. Springfield, Ill.
Jacksonville, Fla. Montgomery, Ala.
Columbus, Ga. Hartford, Conn.
Girls on farms and in small towns may fret to get to the big
cities but their chances of marrying will be better in their rural
communities, where there are 104 men for every hundred women, than
in the cities where the ratio is ninety-six men per hundred girls.
Women’s colleges and all-male colleges may have their advantages
educationally but they can deprive you of the chance for normal
contacts with the opposite sex, and thus reduce your chances of
marrying.
To get a fairly accurate idea of just what your marriage expectancy
is, considering all factors, you should take the test reproduced
with this chapter on “What Is Your Marriage Expectancy?”
If your expectancy rating is low do not become pessimistic. That’s
the worst thing that could happen. Rather decide what you want in
a mate ... find where such a mate exists ... establish friendships
that will lead to introductions ... make yourself attractive to
possible mates by studying their wants and needs and appearing to
fill them. This is a formula that will get almost anyone a mate if
he or she really wants one.
WHAT IS YOUR EXPECTANCY OF MARRIAGE?
This test should show pretty clearly whether your chances of
marrying are good, or not so good. Be honest with yourself.
1. Do you sometimes compliment a person, even though it
is not deserved? Yes No
2. Do you prefer “different” or unconventional people? Yes No
3. Do you often become involved in heated arguments? Yes No
4. Are you a good dancer and a good mixer? Yes No
5. Do your parents generally like the people you date? Yes No
6. Do your good friends include both men and women of
about your own age? Yes No
7. Do you take an active part in two or more sports such
as tennis, swimming, golf or bowling? Yes No
8. Do you seem to get about your share of invitations to
mixed parties? Yes No
9. Do you and your dates frequently spend your evenings
with other couples? Yes No
10. Have you ever had a chance to become engaged? Yes No
11. Do you seem to make a pretty good first impression? Yes No
12. Do you weigh between 100 and 140 if a girl and 130 and
180 if a man? Yes No
13. Are you generally in good health? Yes No
14. Is your home cheerful and open to all of your friends? Yes No
15. Have you _met_ at least 20 members of the opposite sex
in the past three years who seemed like conceivable
marriage risks? Yes No
16. Do your friends visit you frequently? Yes No
17. Do you live in a town or area that seems to have as
many young people of the opposite sex as it has of
your own? Yes No
18. Do you usually get along with the parents of the
people you date? Yes No
19. Are you under 27 if a girl and under 30 if a man? Yes No
20. Do your friends seem to think of you as cheerful and
sociable? Yes No
21. Do you visit other towns three or four times a year? Yes No
22. When you meet someone you know, do you usually speak
first? Yes No
23. Do you usually remember names and faces of people you
meet? Yes No
24. Do you like to entertain a date at home? Yes No
25. Are you friendly or affectionate with persons you
like? Yes No
26. Would you marry a person three years younger or older
than you are? Yes No
27. Do you date fairly often? Yes No
28. Are you a good listener? Yes No
29. Do you find it easy to talk to strangers? Yes No
30. Is your voice pleasing and modulated? Yes No
31. Do you frequent places where members of the opposite
sex are? Yes No
32. Do you like to watch baseball, football or boxing? Yes No
33. Have you “gone steady” with two or more persons? Yes No
34. If a girl do you live west of the Mississippi or if a
man do you live in the East? Yes No
The correct answer to the first three questions is _no_,
and to all the remaining thirty-one questions _yes_. If you
answered twenty-five or more of the questions correctly then
you have a high “expectancy” rating. If you answered only
eight or less of them correctly then your chances of marrying
are definitely poor unless you take action to improve your
eligibility.
_Chapter III_
Are You Ready for Married Love?
The answer to this question is deceptively simple. You are ready if
you are old enough. But how old are you?
There are several yardsticks besides the calendar for measuring
your age. Educators enjoy telling the story of the wise young
orphan. When a sweet old lady leaned over and asked him his age the
young man removed his glasses, polished them thoughtfully for a
minute and then replied:
“My psychological age, Madam, is twelve years; my moral age
is ten years; my social age is eight years; my anatomical and
physiological ages are respectively six and seven; but I have not
been informed of my chronological age. That, I understand, is a
matter of comparative insignificance.”
When we ask you if you are old enough to marry, we mean mature
enough. And maturity, as it bears on your readiness for marriage,
can be measured in at least five ways: physiological, mental,
vocational, sexual and emotional maturity. By these standards some
people are not old enough to marry when they are thirty-five!
* * * * *
HOW OLD ARE YOU PHYSIOLOGICALLY? The adolescence of the early
teens is characterized by rapid bodily growth--growth in height,
weight and sexual development. By eighteen, however, you are nearly
as tall as you will ever be. Sexual growth, while not complete
(especially for a girl), has reached a point where reproduction is
possible. General growth slows down considerably and by twenty-four
has just about stopped. For purposes of marriage the average person
is “mature” physiologically by the age of twenty. But some require
more time, because of glandular disturbances.
* * * * *
HOW OLD ARE YOU MENTALLY? We do not mean what is your I.Q., which
is a measure of your capacity to learn, but rather the accumulation
of your learning. In short, how wise are you? Normally a person
must live twenty-one or twenty-two years before he has seen enough
of life through schooling and practical experience to take on the
responsibilities that go with marriage. If you have led a sheltered
or one-sided life it will probably take longer.
* * * * *
HOW OLD ARE YOU VOCATIONALLY? A man, certainly, is not mature until
he has established that he can earn a living. A college degree, a
license to practice medicine, to teach, or to practice barbering
are not enough. There must be a successful work record and that
cannot be present until a person has used his vocational knowledge
to make a living for a period of not less than one year.
Once it was thought that girls needed no special training
vocationally but that notion is pretty well outdated now. Modern
women like to feel independent, and frequently their ability to
earn money is called into use. Perhaps the husband is a disabled
war veteran, or perhaps the wife feels she needs a career to earn
money. At the least, the girl entering marriage should already be
capable of managing a home--and that requires skill and knowledge
that can’t be learned in a night club.
Since some occupations require many more years of education and
training than others, vocational maturity can fall anywhere between
eighteen and twenty-six, but for most people it doesn’t come until
about the age of twenty-two.
* * * * *
HOW OLD ARE YOU SEXUALLY? Sexual maturity implies far more than the
ability to beget or bear a child. Most morons can do this. Sexual
maturity is largely determined by childhood and it is something
most people either have or don’t have.
A youngster who was reared by parents who were well balanced
emotionally, who were ready listeners to his problems, who
explained comprehensively the magic and mystery of sex functions
to him, will usually be ready to face the problems of sexual
adolescence. During adolescence he will be subjected to many
strains. He will undergo many glandular changes and begin to have
sexual capacity. The reproductive apparatus approaches maturity
between the ages of twelve and fourteen. The boy has emissions.
The girl begins to menstruate. Both often are disturbed or even
frightened by these new functions, unless the parent has been wise
enough to prepare them for the changes.
During adolescence they start “dating,” which at first is done
self-consciously and awkwardly. Their state of mind is made more
nervous if the parents tease or ridicule these first steps in
courting.
When the boy and girl emerge from adolescence about the age of
eighteen, they have achieved sexual maturity if all has gone well.
If so:
--There is freedom from repression and inhibitions concerning
sex.
--There is no disgust or aversion as far as sex is concerned.
--Likewise there is no _abnormal_ curiosity or longing for
sexual information or experience.
--He or she may still be shy or self-conscious at first
when in the presence of someone of the opposite sex but
both soon get over it when they find activities to share.
This is normally easy because by eighteen youngsters have
acquired skill in dancing, card playing, sports, hobbies, and
conversing.
If by eighteen or twenty a person hasn’t acquired sexual maturity
in the sense described, it might be a good idea to consult a
marriage counseling bureau, a college psycho-educational clinic, a
psychologist or some other person trained in helping normal people
achieve normal adjustments.
* * * * *
HOW OLD ARE YOU EMOTIONALLY? This is by far the most significant
of all your ages in determining your readiness to marry! Most of
the research on marriage indicates that people who lack “emotional
maturity” rarely achieve a happy marriage.
What is emotional maturity, you may ask? It’s a state of mind that
includes ability to get along with people ... ability to find
satisfaction and reward in work ... ability to recognize and solve
problems which involve your relations with others ... and finally
it includes freedom from instability and neuroticism.
As in sexual maturity (which is closely related to emotional
maturity) the first ten years of life are apparently the most
important in determining if you will be emotionally stable.
Certainly by the age of eighteen a person should have a pretty
firm hold on his emotions. If he has not acquired such balance by
twenty-one or twenty-two the outlook is not too promising, and he
should deliberately set out to achieve better control of himself.
A stenographer of twenty-four came to the Penn State Marriage
Counseling Service for advice after she had had a dozen promiscuous
affairs with men. She came from a broken home where her parents had
taken only an erratic interest in her and she showed serious signs
of emotional instability, as do virtually all promiscuous girls and
men.
Here is the verbatim report that was written on Sandra. It provides
a classic picture of emotional instability:
Sandra feels inferior, does many unconventional things, has
few standards or ideals. Badly maladjusted, she flits from
one boy to another, seeking new thrills. Quite promiscuous
and highly sexed, she has had sexual affairs with 12 or 13
men. Somewhat popular while in college, with attractive face
and nice figure, she was dated by many boys, none of whom
even went with her for more than four dates. Easily persuaded
to any course of action, she could readily excuse any breach
of behavior. Changeable and selfish, but anxious to be known
as a “Campus Queen,” she openly sought dates and a sort of
dubious and short-lived popularity.
Because of her instability, total lack of standards, ideals
and morals, and her selfishness and shallowness, she is
unlikely to marry unless she catches a rich “sucker.” She is
in six “danger zones” on her Audit Profile. May the Lord help
the poor man who is inveigled into marriage. No boy has ever
proposed marriage to her, a fact that has hurt her vanity.
To pin emotional maturity down more specifically, here side by side
are eight traits, one or more of which are frequently noted in
persons who are considered “emotionally immature,” and eight noted
in mature persons.
IMMATURE MATURE
1. Is aggressive and domineering. 1. Gets along with people.
2. Is rebellious and “bullheaded.” 2. Has satisfying home life.
3. Is full of hates and prejudices. 3. Profits from his mistakes.
4. Is often victim of illusions. 4. Is successful in his work.
5. Has many phobias, inhibitions. 5. Respects authority and
6. Is victim of imaginary pains, customs.
stuttering, hysteria, tremors, 6. He faces his problems.
insomnia. 7. Accepts responsibility for
7. Is high-strung. own acts.
8. Is often indecisive and anxious. 8. He is consistent and
predictable.
A person can be emotionally unstable and not show all of those
symptoms but he undoubtedly will show some of them.
What can anyone do to improve his control over his emotions, and
thus achieve greater emotional maturity? Here are a few suggestions:
--_Try to look at yourself objectively._ Try to do so
especially in connection with your relations with others. Are
you reasonable rather than prejudiced? Can you recognize that
a man may be a fine person even though he is a Republican
or a Democrat, that he is a good person even though he may
be a Protestant or a Catholic? Do you honestly try to make
decisions on the basis of facts rather than on the basis of
feelings, or imaginary facts that are more agreeable to you?
Sit down every few weeks and try deliberately to look at
yourself as others must see you. Would you like yourself if
you were someone else?
--_Learn to laugh at yourself._ The person who can laugh
at himself, or who can laugh at the things he loves and
continue to love them, is the person who is most likely to
have insight into himself. And that insight is important in
emotional maturity. If you have a sense of the ridiculous you
can see fun in many of your own activities, and in doing so
are able to relax and feel happy. You learn to laugh at your
troubles, yet at the same time do your best to improve the
situation. This ability to see the ridiculous side acts as
a cushion and helps you maintain your stability, even when
things are most exasperating.
--_Set up a confidential relationship with some other
person._ Telling your problems to another person helps you
define the problem in your own mind, it furnishes relief
from the tensions you have built up, and it brings another
person’s point of view into the picture. One of the biggest
single values in marriage is the fact that it provides
husband and wife a confidant in each other, and gives them
the confidential relationship that is so important to mental
integration.
--_Seek work that satisfies you._ Nothing will prevent you
from getting a hold on your emotions more than being confined
every day to work that is disagreeable to you. If you find it
is uninteresting or doesn’t challenge you or doesn’t offer
any opportunity as a stepping stone to more challenging work,
change jobs. But do it intelligently, because the person who
is a frequent job-jumper is not a good marriage risk.
Recently we talked to a man who is forty-four years of age. He had
been divorced once, is now unhappily living with a second wife,
wants to divorce her and marry a third woman. His job record shows
that he has held thirty-nine different jobs in his life. Is it any
wonder that he is unlikely to find happiness or stability in life?
He does not know what he wants, can’t learn from experience, and is
pursuing a will-o’-the-wisp.
--_When you have a problem face it squarely._ Define the
problem, get all the facts, and line up alternative solutions
in case the first course isn’t successful. Many people seem
incapable of defining their problems. When they are faced
with a frustrating situation, they frequently are unable to
vary their attack upon it. When a girl can’t get her way she
cries. Crying may bring her some reduction of tension, but it
does not solve the problem. The emotionally mature person can
keep his head, figure out something to do, but the immature
person gives up or cries or gets drunk.
We have devoted so much more space to your emotional age than
to the other four ages--physiological, mental, vocational and
sexual--because it is so fundamental to marriage success. If
you find after reading this chapter you want to know more about
developing your own maturity, you will find further suggestions in
the chapters “Getting Along with the Other Sex,” “Attracting the
One You Want,” and “Crucial Traits for Marriage Happiness.”
When all the five “ages” are taken into consideration it would seem
that a girl should not consider marriage until she is at least
nineteen or twenty and the man should not before he is twenty-one
or twenty-two. Those are minimum ages for normal men and girls.
Those who develop slower than average in any of the five ages
should try to wait a year or two longer before deciding about
marriage.
ARE YOU OLD ENOUGH TO MARRY?
Your chronological age is not as important as some of your
other ages in determining whether you are ready for marriage.
The informal check below may give you a rough idea of your
maturity for marriage.
_Physiological Maturity_
Are you 20 years old or older? Yes No
Are you in general good health? Yes No
As far as you know is your glandular balance normal? Yes No
_Mental Maturity_
Did you finish the eighth grade without repeating more
than one grade? Yes No
Do you read the news daily? Yes No
By age 20 had you completed at least two years of college
or earned your own living for 2 years? Yes No
_Vocational Maturity_
Are you prepared by education or experience to make a
living in a specific occupation, or in managing a home? Yes No
Have you attained your 22d birthday? Yes No
Do you have a job doing work for which you have prepared? Yes No
_Sexual Maturity_
Have you been dating at least once a month since age 16? Yes No
Are your attitudes toward sex free from disgust or
aversion? Yes No
Were your parents easy to talk to about sex? Yes No
_Emotional Maturity_
Do you get along well with people? Yes No
Do you trust people and do they trust you? Yes No
Do you usually do today what is supposed to be done today? Yes No
Give yourself one point for each _yes_ answer. You should
have a total score of at least twelve and should have no less
than two _yes_ answers in each category if you are to be
judged old enough to marry.
ARE YOU GROWN UP EMOTIONALLY?
More than almost anything else, your rating on “emotional
maturity” reveals your chances of achieving a happy marriage.
Here is a more detailed test of your rating on this crucial
trait. Answer _yes_ only if you are sure.
1. Can you accept criticism without having your feelings
hurt? Yes No
2. Are you normally free from jealousy? Yes No
3. When you have differences with people can you usually
work out compromises that satisfy you and don’t leave
hard feelings? Yes No
4. Do you behave yourself because it seems the natural
thing to do and not because you fear the consequences
of misbehaving? Yes No
5. Do you think most people are honest, decent and worth
while? Yes No
6. Are you happy most of the time--and free from violent
emotional outbursts? Yes No
7. Before beginning a new project or making a final decision
do you honestly weigh the arguments for and against it? Yes No
8. Can you be away from the place you live for a month
without getting homesick? Yes No
9. Do you willingly abide by established authority and the
customs of your community? Yes No
10. Can you make your own personal decisions without depending
on friends and relatives to help you make up your mind? Yes No
11. Are you free from vague aches, nail biting, flustered
stammering? Yes No
12. Can you postpone something you want to do now in order
to have greater enjoyment later? Yes No
13. Are you living zestfully in the present instead of
bragging about past deeds? Yes No
14. Do you go to sleep easily and normally slumber without
nightmares? Yes No
15. Do you get along well with your parents, relatives, and
close friends? Yes No
16. When things go wrong do you find the cause and correct
it instead of blaming others or lamenting your bad
breaks? Yes No
17. Are you living up to the responsibilities which go along
with the privileges given to you? Yes No
18. Have you friends among both sexes, some older and some
younger than you are? Yes No
If you honestly answered _yes_ to fourteen of these or more
you are more mature emotionally than the average person. If
you answered _yes_ to sixteen or more you should have an
exceptionally good chance for a happy marriage.
_Chapter IV_
Is It Love--or Infatuation?
“Love” is unquestionably the most abused word in the English
language. People “love” puppies, or they “love” ice cream. Women
commonly close their letters to acquaintances with the word “love”
as do all relatives when they write to one another. Boys trying to
get a kiss from their girl friends mumble something about love.
That’s to make the giving easier for the girl.
Then there are different kinds of genuine love. A mother loves her
two-year-old baby just as wholeheartedly as she loves her husband.
And she loves her husband now just as much as she did as a girl
eight years ago when she “fell” in love with him, but the love is
different. She was more misty-eyed then. She didn’t realize it but
the earlier love was heavily flavored by sexual attraction. Now
sex is still present in her regard for her husband but the bond
is primarily a deep feeling of comradeship. And with the baby, of
course, true sexual feelings are not involved at all.
In all three of the cases, however, she had developed a deep
concern for the welfare of the loved one; and in all three of
the cases the loved one had similar feelings of attachment to
her. Right here you have the gist of true love, whether parental,
conjugal or romantic.
Still, it is often difficult to know if your “love” is the real
thing. Two out of five of the girls who come to the Penn State
Marriage Counseling Service for advice about their affairs think
they are in love but aren’t sure.
One girl was really confused. She reported that she was terribly
in love with two different men at the college. One was on the
basketball team. The other played in a campus orchestra. She did
not know which one she loved the more and wanted to be told which
to choose. Tests soon established beyond a doubt that she had the
warmest kind of physical feeling for both men. But the tests also
showed that she was primarily fascinated by them as “catches.” She
wasn’t actually in love with either, and was so informed.
She was the victim of double infatuation. How can you tell love
from infatuation? Dr. Henry Bowman of Stephens College offers these
points of distinction:--
Infatuation may come suddenly but loves takes time.
Infatuation can be based on one or two traits (usually
including sex appeal) whereas love is based on many traits.
In infatuation the person is in “love” with love, whereas in
love, the person is in love with another person.
In infatuation the other person is thought of as a separate
entity and employed for self-gratification. In real love
there is a feeling of identity with the other person.
Infatuation produces feelings of insecurity and wishful
thinking whereas love produces a sense of security.
In infatuation you suffer loss of ambition, appetite, etc.,
whereas in love you work and plan to please the other person.
The physical element is much more important in infatuation
than in love.
Infatuation may change quickly but love lasts.
In general you can be surer that it is really love if it has
developed over a period of time rather than if it comes all of a
sudden.
But, you may ask, how about those couples who are “meant for each
other” and “fell in love at first sight.” Both are nice romantic
notions, but both have little validity in fact.
There is _no_ one person in the world for anyone. We don’t expect
happily married couples or happily engaged couples to believe that
but all the evidence indicates it is true. There are hundreds,
indeed thousands, of people that you could fall in love with and
be happily married to. (And there are, of course, thousands and
perhaps millions of people you would be miserable with as mates.)
The only sense in which there can be a “one and only” for you
is that there may be only one good prospect within your range of
possible acquaintanceship. It is the multitude of good possible
mates that sometimes makes it difficult for a girl to choose
between two men. It is the multitude of possibilities that produces
triangular situations after marriages; and it is this multitude of
available mates in America that makes it possible for a girl to
find and love a man in her own community rather than to have to go
from Maine to California to meet a “one and only.”
As for instantaneous love, a girl has about as much chance
of “falling in love at first sight” as she does of becoming
Cinderella. At times couples experience “infatuation at first
sight” which may or may not later mature into love. And ordinarily
the infatuation is based about eighty per cent on sexual
attraction. “Love at first sight” also often occurs when you come
across someone who happens to match your “phantasy ideal” for
a mate. If you have always dreamed of a bride with large brown
eyes, a turned-up nose and a shapely figure--and you are ripe for
mating--you fall for the first girl matching that description. It
is a mighty hazardous way to try to pick a mate.
Other people think they fall in love “at first sight” because they
are desperately anxious to have some one to hold to, and clutch
at the first person who comes along. They suffer from feelings of
insecurity. This was particularly true of girls during the war.
One girl who came to the Penn State clinic was rapturous about her
coming marriage to an army lieutenant stationed temporarily at the
college. Why did she love him? She was pretty vague about that and
seemed to resent the question. What did they have in common in the
way of interests and ideals? The only thing she could think of was
that they both liked to bowl. It soon developed that what she was
in love with was the idea of getting married. She was twenty-seven
and nervous about her future. That she was sincerely convinced
she was in love with the man was a tribute to her own powers of
self-deception. She realized that she _should_ in all decency be
in love with the man she was going to marry, and convinced herself
that she was.
Frequently two people fall so madly in “love” soon after meeting
that they feel they must marry immediately. This tendency is so
well known that most marriage counselors rightfully question if a
state of true love exists when the two people feel they will die if
they don’t get married tomorrow or next week. Real love can wait.
It can make sacrifices; it is not something that has to be rushed.
The more urgent the desire to get married immediately, the greater
the likelihood that it is infatuation and that the infatuation may
die out as abruptly as it sprang into being.
But why, you may ask, is love at first sight so improbable? Why
can’t you fall in love as easily immediately as you can after weeks
of knowing each other?
Here we get to the essence of love, which Webster’s dictionary
defines as: “Desire for, and earnest effort to promote the welfare
of, another.” Love is not a trap you fall into. It is a state of
respect for and comradeship with another that has developed from
the fact that you both have similar tastes, ideals and yearnings.
Such comradeship cannot come as a result of one date.
Cynics have said that “love is of all feelings the most egoistic
and consequently is, when crossed, the least generous.” That
assumes love is possessive and selfish. Genuine love as we
understand it today is the medium through which the fullest
development of the personalities of a man and woman may take place.
And it involves a keen desire for the welfare of the loved person.
There is nothing egoistic about real love!
Here briefly are some conditions that are usually present before
love can develop:
--The two persons have had experiences together that have
caused each to react favorably to the other.
--They have each found present in the other qualities,
standards and ideals which they admire.
--Their sexual feelings have been so favorably conditioned,
without their realizing it, that they find great pleasure
just in being in each other’s presence.
--Each one in some way fulfills some of the motives that
are of importance to the other, such as desire for social
approval or, with a man, mastery.
There are many people for whom it is utterly impossible to fall in
love. For a few this is due to physical inadequacy. But to most it
is a result of unfavorable conditioning that has made them selfish
or afraid of contact with the opposite sex. How does a person get
the ability to fall in love? From a physical standpoint certain
hormones pour into the blood stream of a man or woman past puberty
that create sexual tension. But that only starts to explain the
complexity of the love relationship.
Your ability to fall in love depends for the most part on your own
previous experience as far back as childhood. In the beginning, for
example, your mother met all your needs. Every time you cried your
mother rushed to you, to feed you, to give you a drink, to change
your diaper or to remove a pin that was sticking in you. Gradually
in your mind the mother becomes associated with everything
pleasant, with eating, the relief of thirst, the elimination of
pain. You probably became attached to her with a depth of love
and affection that lasted for many years. Similarly your mother
received pleasure from hearing your coos when she gave you relief
from pain, she received the approval of your father for bearing
you and the admiring comments on you from the neighbors; and she
satisfied her motive of mastery by having something (you) under her
control. Her love deepened for you.
It has been observed in the South, where the nursemaids may often
spend more time with the child than the mother does that the child
becomes more favorably conditioned to the nursemaid than to the
mother. That illustrates that love is a _learned_ process.
As you grew older and began playing with children you learned to
like those with whom playing was fun and you learned to dislike
those where your association was marked only by dissatisfaction and
unpleasantness.
Similarly if your early associations with those of the opposite sex
were all marked by unpleasantness and nervous tension you tended
to stick to those of your own sex; but if they were marked with
pleasure you turned more and more to the other sex.
Even the appearance of the girl that a young man likes is due to
pleasant associations with other persons who had one or more of
the characteristics that his girl has. It is not just accident
that girls are more likely to fall in love with boys who have
characteristics resembling their own fathers than they are with
boys who don’t. Similarly a boy is more likely to fall in love with
a girl who resembles his own mother than with a girl who doesn’t.
If your early life has been marked by strife in the home and
tension in your relation with people your own age, then you have
been poorly conditioned for the comradeship married love can
provide. And you probably will have the greatest difficulty finding
happiness in marriage.
But if your relationships with people have been relatively serene,
you will find it easy to learn to love someone of the opposite sex.
You will find that when you do certain things you receive approval
by way of happy smiles and rewards. Gradually you learn to put your
best foot forward. You and your date both are conditioned to be on
your best behavior and if you have many things in common develop a
deep friendship with each other.
Then, if the conditioning during the friendship is quite favorable,
your mutual feeling of appreciation and affection for each other
grows and finally ripens into love. There you have it.
In your love for each other you will both gradually become
sexually vibrant and you both will begin to feel a need for sexual
expression through each other. As this need becomes increasingly
strong, you both begin to think of engagement and marriage. Ideally
when your need for each other becomes so strong that it can no
longer be denied, you are married.
ARE YOU REALLY IN LOVE?
The first thing many counselors like to find out when people
come to them about the possibility of marrying is to find out
whether they are actually in love. Here are some questions
which quickly disclose whether a person is afflicted with
the real thing or is just infatuated by good looks and sex
appeal. Answer each question truthfully regardless of what
you _think_ the correct answer should be.
1. Do you have a great number of things that you like to
do together? Yes No
2. Do you have a feeling of pride when you compare your
friend to any other you have known? Yes No
3. Do you feel you need to apologize for certain things
about him? Yes No
4. Do you suffer from a feeling of unrest when away from
him or her? Yes No
5. Have you a strong desire to please him or her and are
you quite glad to give way on your own preferences? Yes No
6. Do you have any difficulty carrying on a conversation
with each other? Yes No
7. Even when you quarrel do you still enjoy being together? Yes No
8. Do you actually want to marry this person? Yes No
9. Would you be afraid to trust him or her in the presence
of another attractive person of your own sex for an
evening? Yes No
10. Does he or she have the qualities you would like to have
in your children? Yes No
11. Do your friends and associates mostly admire this person
and think he, or she, would be a good match for you? Yes No
12. Do you ever wonder if he, or she, is faithful? Yes No
13. Do your parents think you are in love? (They are very
discerning about such things.) Yes No
14. Have you started planning, at least in your own mind,
what kind of wedding, children, and home you will have? Yes No
15. Are you conscious of being jealous of him, or her? Yes No
16. Is this person attractive to you not only in appearance
but in the way he talks, acts and thinks? Yes No
17. Do you approve generally of each other’s friends? Yes No
18. Do you wonder if he, or she, is being sincere in what
he tells you? Yes No
19. Do you have a wealth of things to discuss and do together? Yes No
20. When outside trouble develops for one of you does the
crisis tend to pull you together rather than apart? Yes No
21. Are there many things on which you disagree? Yes No
22. Do you find that in thinking of the future it is always in
terms of two rather than of yourself alone? Yes No
23. Can you imagine how he or she will appear at 40 and still
feel as deeply attached to him as before? Yes No
24. Do you have serious doubts about your love for him? Yes No
If you have a perfect score you answered every third question
(3, 6, 9, 12, 15, 18, 21, 24) with _No_ and all the others
with _Yes_. Did you have twenty or more “correct” answers? If
so, we would judge you to be solidly in love. If you did not,
you should be skeptical until you receive further proof.
_Chapter V_
Growing Up Sexually
Your ability to undertake marriage successfully has already been
determined in large part before you even start. It has been
determined by experiences you have had with sex generally and with
the opposite sex particularly. Possibly you are already seriously
handicapped by repressions and fears on the subject.
To ignore or fear sex is no more sensible than to ignore any of
the other emotions you possess. Sexual desire is a natural desire.
Without it your personality would become impoverished. Without
it there would be few marriages. Without it there would be few
children and few homes. Sex is nothing to be ashamed of or be
whispered about.
You can have love without sex and sex without love but neither
alone is very satisfying or enriching. For example many men are
capable of sexual activity with women for whom they could find no
pleasure in social associations. Were it not for this fact there
would be no prostitution. Likewise it is true there are many wives
who love their husbands and engage in sexual activity with them,
but without feeling any sexual urge whatsoever and without feeling
any physical satisfaction.
The ideal arrangement, however, is that in which the two people
have genuine love and affection for each other and at the same time
have strong sex desire for each other and find sexual satisfaction
in each other.
A very large proportion of the fears, repressions and anxieties
that people suffer from involve sex one way or another. Many of
these repressions are revealed in such things as frigidity and
impotence. The individual who is ashamed and afraid of sex will
be repressed in married life unless the attitude is corrected, and
will find it difficult to adjust to marriage. When such persons are
married the feelings of shame or guilt about sex may prevent sexual
satisfaction. This lack of satisfaction, and the tension that goes
with it, may produce nervousness, aches and pains and even nervous
breakdowns.
Many married people, particularly wives, suffer from repression.
While sexual maladjustment is not the only cause of unhappiness
in marriage it does play a significant part. It is estimated that
one-fifth of all married people turn to masturbation as one of the
ways to reduce the sexual tensions not satisfied through intimate
relationships with the mate.
How do these so-called repressions develop? Where do we learn about
sex?
Our sex experiences--whether good or bad--started when we were
babies. We reacted in a very favorable way to the fondling,
caressing and other skin stimulation of our mothers. Love and
affection came to be associated in our minds with fondling and
stroking. Sometimes as the baby grows older the parent lavishes
too much affection on the child because the mother is hungry for
affection which is not forthcoming from her husband. This excessive
love-conditioning may cause the child to become intensely attached
to the mother and makes it difficult for the child to break away as
it grows up. Not only this, but in addition the excessive fondling
and favorable attention may cause the child to have an excessive
desire for sympathy and social approval. Ergo, we have a “spoiled
child.” This spoiled child grows up feeling very sorry for himself
and insecure when he is not receiving sympathy. In marriage, he
or she becomes quite possessive because he or she wants to be the
constant center of attention.
But to get back to when you were a growing child. Many of the
feelings of guilt, shame or fear that people suffer from concerning
sex begin then.
Perhaps the child is detected in the act of exploring his sex
organs. It is probably normal curiosity but the parents punish him
so severely that the child feels exceedingly guilty about it.
Perhaps the child hears a four-letter Anglo-Saxon word. Proud of
this new acquisition he comes home and uses it with his parents.
The parents are dumfounded, show their intense disapproval, and may
wash the child’s mouth out with soap.
Or perhaps the child asks how babies are made and the parent may
rebuff the child or act so mysterious that the child concludes he
has done something for which he should be ashamed.
On the other hand, if as a child you had a confidential relationship
with your parents and found that when you took such problems to them
they would try to give you answers you could comprehend you developed
a normal, healthy attitude toward sex. Repression usually occurs only
when something happens to us for which we feel ashamed or guilty or
fearful.
It would seem to us that no child should be permitted to reach
the age of five or six without knowing where babies come from. It
furthermore seems to us that no child should reach the age of ten
without knowing what produces or causes babies.
Now we come to the period that affected you most profoundly in your
sexual development, puberty. Can you remember how your life and
body were changed from the time you were twelve to fourteen?--that
is, when you were first endowed with sexual capacity. Whether you
were a boy or girl, your sex glands (gonads) began pouring their
hormones into the blood stream in great quantities. Perhaps you
did not realize it at the time but you began feeling more tense,
more energetic, and began exhibiting what might be called “animal
spirits.” Farmers shake their heads sadly at their youngsters
during this period and resign themselves to the fact that the
youths won’t be over “Fool’s Hill” until they are sixteen.
It probably was during your early teens that you had your first
great “love” affair, if you were normal. Puppy love is one of the
sweetest loves that one ever has. It usually makes its appearance
at about the time the girl begins to menstruate and the boy becomes
capable of having sexual emissions.
This first love of yours was romantic and idealistic. Probably
you “fell in love” with a girl in the next aisle, passed notes to
her and picked flowers on the way to school for her. You walked
home together after school and if you did manage to conquer your
embarrassment and kiss, it is a kiss you will never forget.
You did not realize that those hormones pulsing through your body
were responsible for this “crush” and did not realize why you were
more tense and energetic. To reduce the tension, though, you looked
at each other and something about your past conditioning made each
of you find something appealing in the other. Sometimes these first
“loves” endure but more likely you are soon both in “love” with new
“flames” that suddenly appeared more appealing. Puppy love, you
see, is an early version of infatuation.
As a child your sexual feelings were diffused over the body surface
but with puberty those feelings came more and more to be localized
in certain sensitive areas of the body, called “erogenous zones,”
if you had normal contacts with the other sex. In the case of girls
whose contact with sex is carefully guarded, however, it is quite
possible that sex desire may remain diffused until marriage and the
loss of virginity.
The appearance of the menstrual discharge can be a profoundly
frightening event for a girl unless she has been prepared to expect
it. Often it marks the beginning of fears that carry over even into
marriage.
Take the case of Alice, a school superintendent’s daughter, who
was reared in a stern atmosphere of morality. When she asked
where babies came from her mother first rebuked her and when
she persisted in inquiring the mother said they were brought
in the medical bags of physicians. When she reached the age of
menstruation, for which her mother had not prepared her, she
thought a terrible calamity had befallen her. She naïvely believed
for several months that she was having a baby. Later the only
information she ever acquired on sex was through bull sessions with
other girls at college, and there the information was misleading.
She was fearful of sex and when, during her freshman year, a boy
tried to kiss her she reacted very strongly. She felt that she must
not be a nice girl or a boy would not think of trying to kiss her.
Her mother had told her that nice girls did not kiss boys.
Today Alice is twenty-nine and still not married. Furthermore
she seems like a very poor prospect. She has reacted frigidly to
all overtures of grown men to kiss her even though she feels she
should marry. To her “sex” is animal passion and its only rightful
function is reproduction. She has so many repressions about sex
that she cannot act normally in the presence of someone of the
opposite sex.
Here is how the repressions operate with Alice. She does her best
not to think about sex. She avoids situations or circumstances
that would involve sex by staying away from people of the opposite
sex, by not going to dances and by refraining from doing things
that would in any way bring sex to mind. Her life is a desperate
hide-and-seek with sex. Furthermore her repression is so effective
that she won’t even admit that a sexual problem exists for her.
Sometimes direct fear conditioning may occur. In one girl who was
referred to the Penn State clinic there was an intense fear of
being with well-educated people. When all the facts were learned,
it was discovered that in her early teens the girl had been
detected masturbating by her mother. To frighten her out of the
habit the mother told her that such a practice would change her
facial appearance so much that any educated person looking at her
would know she was a masturbator. The girl, already ashamed of her
habit, felt so much guilt that she started avoiding anyone who had
a college education because she believed such people could see her
secret in her face. It took many months of treatment to get her to
the place where she could associate with college people with ease.
It is our opinion that much of the sexual maladjustment of the
world is brought about by parents giving their children the
impression that sex is shameful, disgusting, fearful or nasty.
One young man came into the psychological clinic complaining of
severe indigestion, heartburn and excruciating stomach pains. When
asked what he thought the trouble was he said it probably was
caused by his habit of drinking a couple of beers three or four
times a week. He had made many efforts to stop drinking the beer,
but in vain. The companionship of the other young men with whom
he drank, the feeling of tension reduction that he felt while
drinking, the partial release of some of his inhibitions under
alcohol all prevented him from breaking the habit. He had never
been drunk yet he was sure that the half-dozen glasses of beer a
week were causing his stomach trouble and would ultimately lead to
ulcers or cancer.
In working with this young man it was found that he had begun
masturbating in adolescence. His father had discovered this and had
severely denounced him for the practice. The boy could not, or did
not, give up masturbation and was in constant fear that he would
go insane because his father told him that continued masturbation
always led to insanity. In reading an old-fashioned book on sex
which his father gave him, the boy ran across a statement to the
effect that alcohol weakened the sex drive. He was so anxious to
reduce his own drive, for fear of insanity, that he began drinking
beer habitually. He was so sure the alcohol was reducing his sex
drive that he stopped masturbating. Actually, of course, the
sex drive was still present and his repression and anxiety were
transferred from masturbating to beer drinking, with the physical
symptoms already described. By helping the young man understand how
he had become unfavorably conditioned to masturbation (which, while
an inferior or substitute adjustment, is a natural act) he lost all
of his stomach symptoms and gained a wholesome attitude about sex.
How can sexual inhibitions and repressions be “unlearned?” The best
thing to do of course is consult a good clinical psychologist or
competent psychiatrist. Extensive psychotherapy may be needed. But
here are some things that an individual can do that may help:
--Develop a friendly confidential relationship with some
other person who can be trusted and bit by bit unburden
yourself of your fears, anxieties, problems and frustrations.
Simply getting things out of one’s system brings tension
release. Not only that but as one talks about his problems
and feelings toward them, he begins to define the problem
and see possibilities of attacking and solving the problem
himself. And the friend may have some helpful suggestions.
--Deliberately associate with people of the opposite sex as
much as possible if repression is present. Gradually this
will help reduce tensions as you become used to them and if
the conditioning is favorable you may achieve wholesome and
normal reactions to the opposite sex.
--Acquire adequate information about sexual behavior.
Good books are available today in the field of sex (_note
bibliography in the back of this book_).
--Even bull sessions can be helpful though much of the
information you will hear may be erroneous or inadequate. The
freedom of expression in the sessions and the opportunity
to talk help one feel less repressed and more natural when
sexual matters come up.
All young unmarried people should realize that the sexual emotion
is just as much a hunger as a hunger for food and that in marriage
their personality is enriched when the sexual hunger is satisfied.
While all this association with the opposite sex is going on, the
girl or young man is learning what kind of a mate he wants in
marriage. It is only through these experiences (starting with puppy
love) that they begin to set standards and qualifications of the
persons they would like to marry. The typical boy or girl needs to
date a good many persons before they know the kind they would like
to have as a mate, to decide upon the minimum standards they wish.
In going with one girl the boy learns to appreciate music and
decides he wants a wife who can play the piano. In going with
another girl he finds he wants a girl who is brunette, who is
reasonably tall, who is relatively slim. In going with a third girl
he discovers he wants a person who has as much education as he does
and who is interested at least politely with mechanical things,
which happen to be his passion. In going with still another girl he
discovers that it is important to him for her to have control of
her temper, to be friendly to people, to be gracious in manner, to
be kind and considerate. And so it goes. It is only through such
experiences that a man gradually learns what he wants in a wife and
what is important to him.
In contrast, it is ignorance of what one wants that may prevent
you from ever achieving a happy marriage. Not knowing what you
want or need, you may marry the first person with whom you become
infatuated.
Today there are nearly twenty-five thousand different occupations
in the country. More people are completing high school--and
college--than ever before in history. The radio and automobile have
broadened man’s horizon. Thus for the man today a selection of a
wife from among a half-dozen girls whom he has known would be a
hazardous selection. As we have said before, he would need to know
at least twenty-five eligible single girls--and date at least a
dozen of them--before he could be fairly sure of finding one that
would meet his wants and needs.
_Chapter VI_
Sex Adventuring
In the course of looking over the field for mates a large part of
our young people become involved in bodily petting and complete
intimacy. How widespread are such premarital sex relations? All
the factual studies would indicate that there has been a steady
increase. Dr. L. M. Terman, whose book _Psychological Factors in
Marital Happiness_, published in 1938, reports a study he made of
792 couples, concludes:
“The trend toward premarital sex experience is proceeding with
extraordinary rapidity.”
Of older couples who married around 1910, he found fifty per cent
of the men and eighty-seven per cent of the women had been virgins
at the time of marriage. In contrast, of those who married about
ten years ago only fourteen per cent of the men and thirty-two per
cent of the women were virgins at marriage. Dr. Terman predicted:
“If the drop should continue at the average rate shown ...
virginity at marriage will be close to the vanishing point” for
males marrying after 1955 and for girls marrying after 1960.
It’s a rare high school nowadays that doesn’t have an occasional
pregnant girl, unmarried, in its midst. In one city more than two
hundred such pregnancies occurred last year. Most of the sexual
experiences today--especially for girls--are with people they
eventually marry. But even in this respect the trend indicates that
more and more young people are having intercourse with persons they
do not marry than has ever been true before in our history. The
trend is more pronounced for men than it is for girls. This can
be understood in view of the fact that it is the woman who gets
pregnant, and not the man.
Of couples marrying today, a relatively high percentage have
complete physical intimacy before the wedding night. The rate seems
to be higher among the lower economic classes than in the higher
levels.
This does not mean the morals of the upper classes are higher but
probably is due to the fact that girls in the upper group--who
have lived at women’s or other colleges--have more inhibitions.
After marriage they often have greater trouble having climactic
sexual experience than girls who only went to high school, because
of these inhibitions. Probably less than one-third of such wives
regularly experience orgasm.
Why has premarital intimacy become more widespread in recent years?
There appear to be several major explanations:
--The tensions of two wars and a major depression which
led to postponement of marriage but not necessarily to
postponement of gratification. Also during the war many girls
threw their ideals to the wind in an attempt to find or give
happiness on a friend’s last furlough.
--Religion is not as much concerned with sexual taboos today
as it was a generation ago.
--We have removed chaperonage and parents generally are more
tolerant of their children’s behavior and build in them fewer
repressions than in past years.
--The widespread dissemination of birth-control information
and the improved techniques in preventing venereal disease
have reduced the penalties of indulgence.
--Our people are more mobile today so that it is possible for
a young couple to experiment sexually with less likelihood
that their parents will find out about them. Boys have access
to automobiles in which they can take girls to secluded
spots. Hotels have relaxed their restrictions about verifying
the “Mr. and Mrs.” of couples who register. Tourist camps
rarely had any restrictions to start with. Finally the war
took millions of our young people away from their home
communities.
In short, the old controls of society have relaxed or are in the
process of breaking down. The same is true in Great Britain where
studies during the war indicated that one out of every three births
was conceived prior to marriage.
While young men engage in intimacies because of the hormones
pulsing through their bodies and because it makes them feel more
“grown up,” girls engage for somewhat different reasons, though
thrill is a factor. Girls in their teens do not have nearly as
high a sex drive as boys of the same age. Whereas a man reaches
the height of his sexual vigor at around eighteen, a girl does
not reach hers until around twenty-eight. This is largely because
of the different conditioning boys and girls get. Girls lead more
sheltered, guarded lives and thus develop many more repressions and
inhibitions about sex than men.
Most girls who start to pet in their teens do so because they are
afraid they won’t be asked for dates if they don’t pet. They give
kisses as rewards to the boy for taking them to the dance. It is
believed that at least one-half of female sex delinquents get
little or no pleasure from the sex activity. They indulge primarily
to get something else they want: the prestige and pleasure of
having dates. This behavior puts sex on a very low plane. The
prostitute herself is rarely motivated by excessive sex feeling.
Rather she does it to obtain certain other things she considers
important, such as spending money, gowns, cosmetics, etc.
Some girls think that because of the surplus of women over men
they must be aggressive if they are to get dates, and consider
bold petting one of the most effective techniques of aggression.
Actually aggression of any kind usually has an adverse effect on a
man, and the emotions generated in the girl by petting may lead to
a sense of insecurity and a feeling of frustration.
It would be pointless to advise that young people should never neck
or pet, because the facts show that the vast majority of young
people engage in necking and petting to some extent. But what can
be said for and against unmarried couples practicing complete
physical intimacy before marriage? What arguments have been
advanced in favor of it?
First we have heard it said that premarital sexual relations assist
in the wise choice of a mate. You know what you are getting. You
will know better whether you and the mate would be compatible
sexually. One religious sect in this country takes a unique view
on premarital experience. Couples do not marry until a child
is conceived. In this way the groom-to-be can rest assured his
bride-to-be can bear him children. The trouble here is that many
premarital sex experiences of the modern couple are engaged in
under circumstances that are hardly favorable to the flowering
of sexual desires and their satisfaction. When intimacy is
accompanied by feelings of fear or guilt or shame--as is frequently
the case in premarital affairs--permanent scars are left on the
participants. Usually a person can get just as accurate a clue of
what married love would be with a specific individual by petting
and conversation rather than by complete intimacy with its usual
aftermath of shame and guilt.
Another argument often mentioned in favor of premarital sex
relations is that it is dangerous to one’s health to wait. This
argument is based on the well-known fact that most young people are
mature enough physically to marry several years before economic
factors make marriage advisable. So why wither away while waiting?
They point to the spinsters who shrivel up for lack of love.
This is only a half truth because, as you will see later in this
chapter, there are other outlets for sexual feeling available in
addition to coitus. These may not be as pleasurable but they are
virtually as effective. The withered spinsters are that way because
they employ no outlets whatsoever.
On the other side--the reasons why complete intimacy is ill-advised
before marriage--we have first of all the fact that society
frowns on such intimacy. Even though the practice is widespread
it is still illicit love, with all the psychological problems
it involves. The idea that the bride and groom be virgins at
the start of their marriage is the product of the experience of
most civilized peoples. That in itself should mean something.
Undisciplined sexual expression has always been found to be
destructive to the social group that permits it to take place.
Next, while it can be seriously debated whether complete intimacy
hurts or helps an engaged couple planning early marriage, there
is no question how it affects persons indulging on a casual
basis. We have authoritative information on this point. In one
carefully conducted research, the records of twenty-five girls were
picked at random--girls who, according to their test scorings,
were unconventional and generally unstable emotionally. These
girls were carefully interviewed. Of the twenty-five, twenty-one
admitted to the counselors that they had been intimate with one or
more men during the preceding two years! That is persuasive proof
that promiscuous persons are usually also unstable emotionally.
And being unstable emotionally they are very poor prospects for
marriage.
Finally here are some specific dangers that every person
considering complete intimacy before marriage should be aware of:
--Possible pregnancy, and a forced and hasty marriage.
--If the child is aborted the possibility of permanent
sterility or other injury must not be forgotten.
--The probability that the illicit relationship may become
known to members of your social group, if not to your parents.
--Probability that even though temporary relief from sexual
tension is achieved you may suffer from feelings of shame,
guilt, or remorse.
--Possibility that your future spouse may discover that you
have had sexual relations with another person. It may prey on
his or her mind despite the fact that he goes through with
the marriage.
--The possibility that the intimacy is practiced under
conditions so nerve-racking and undesirable that they cheapen
the meaning of the act.
--The risk of venereal disease.
--The possibility--if you are a girl--that the relationship
is exploitive. Perhaps the man is seeking his own satisfaction
with little regard for the girl or her feelings.
After those warnings regarding complete intimacy are given we
would like to make it clear that premarital kissing and petting do
have a legitimate function. Recently a nurse trainee came to the
Penn State clinic; she was overwrought. She said her current boy
friend had laid his hand across her breast. Had she been prudish in
becoming upset? She was assured that she hadn’t been. But she was
urged not to let the incident drive her to aloofness. Frigidness
can wreck one’s chances for a happy marriage just as surely as
promiscuity.
It is entirely natural for a mutually attracted young couple to
desire to caress each other. It is one of nature’s techniques for
encouraging mating. Without it we would have fewer marriages--and
children. It is harmful only when the attachment between the two
people is completely sexual and they rush into an early marriage,
or into intercourse without marriage.
Take for example Dorothy and Bob, who wanted some last-minute
advice before marrying. Obviously they were crazy about each other.
To them a kiss or embrace was a way to convey their adoration.
Everything pointed to their being truly in love and the tests
showed them to be well-matched. To deny them such expression of
affection when together would not only frustrate their love but
might even impair their adjustment in marriage.
Their kind of innocent petting however should not be confused
with the “exploitive” kind practiced by a student we’ll call
Hale. He said quite casually that he “loves ’em and leaves ’em.”
Investigation showed that was precisely what he did. And while he
was apparently not as irresistible as he implied, he did find some
girls to join him in his sex adventuring. Some naïvely fell for
his line. Others joined in quite frankly for the thrill involved
in exploring each other. Both Hale and two of the promiscuous
girls involved showed in their tests strong traces of emotional
instability which would make them poor marriage prospects. Before
a girl becomes involved in any petting she should make sure in her
own mind that it is not the “exploitive” kind.
Caressing or petting becomes definitely dangerous when physical
contact and stimulation become ends in themselves. In the case
of an engaged couple in love the intimacy is not just an end in
itself but an expression of affection. The important thing is that
sexual feeling should develop and grow out of the friendship and
courtship of two people, it should not be the initial basis for
it. There is likely to be exploitation involved if a couple feel
impelled to engage in petting during the first few dates. Petting
is progressive and can carry a couple much further than they intend
to go. That is the big danger.
Ideally a couple should marry when their friendship and courtship
have developed in them such strong sexual feelings toward each
other that there is a physical and psychological need for
satisfaction. This is why society is more tolerant of petting after
a couple become engaged. It is nature’s preparation for marriage.
The trouble of course is in the serious lag involved between the
time a couple may be ripe physically for marriage and the time
they are prepared vocationally and emotionally to marry. We still
have our child brides in backwoods areas but most modern Americans
do not consider it feasible to marry until they are well in their
twenties. And in our civilization that is proper. But it does
impose serious temptations on the people who have to wait.
From the time they pass out of adolescence young people--especially
men--need outlets for the sexual tensions building up within them.
There seems little doubt to us that refraining from any sort of
sexual expression does impair one’s psychological balance and
mental health. Personality can be damaged and physical health may
be damaged. But if we rule out climactic sexual relations with
another person what alternatives are left? There are three major
forms this can take.
--Climaxes in the dream world. This is most common with men
and produces their nocturnal emissions.
--Substitution. This usually means masturbation. Many people
think that masturbation is a sin, that it will produce
insanity, that it leads to skin blemishes or pimples, that
it is something disgusting or filthy, that it stunts your
growth. All the evidence indicates that none of these is
true. A noted psychiatrist, O. Spurgeon English, recently
said: “Most all psychiatrists, psychologists, and educators
today regard masturbation as a normal phenomenon ... indulged
in to some degree by all human beings during the course
of their development.” As we see it, masturbation is a
relatively harmless method of reducing tension providing
feelings of guilt and shame are not connected with it and
providing of course that it is not done excessively.
--Sublimation. You “sublimate” a sexual hunger, or handle it
on a “high” socially approved plane by such things as dancing
and associating a great deal with persons of the other sex.
A young person is greatly helped in this if he is permitted
to date at an early age (fifteen is not too young) and
encouraged to bring his date to his home. Sublimation cannot
reduce sexual hunger but it helps to take your mind off it.
If there is no outlet for these feelings through normal and natural
associations with the opposite sex and if parental instruction on
sex has been inadequate, really abnormal sex behavior may result.
The most common form of maldevelopment probably is homosexuality.
It was once believed that homosexuals were “born that way.” But now
it is known that the great majority of them, male and female, are
normal in a bodily sense. Their abnormal behavior is clearly the
result of unfortunate conditioning. Perhaps a boy was pampered too
much as a child and has had little chance to mingle with the other
sex, and then is rebuffed when he attempts to make dates because
he seems namby-pamby or effeminate. While being forced away from
associating with girls the hormones are being poured into his blood
stream. The boy becomes tense without realizing why and without any
outlet to reduce the tension. Bit by bit he may turn to persons of
his own sex for sexual satisfaction, first perhaps through mutual
masturbation and finally through homosexuality.
It is known that there is much more homosexuality in girls’ or
boys’ schools than there is at co-educational institutions. One
study showed that one-third of married women have had at some time
in their unmarried days intense emotional relations with other
women, even though some did not recognize the behavior as sexual in
character. There is every reason to believe that more women engage
in homosexual behavior than is true of men. This is understandable
in view of the fact that expressions of affection between women
are much more acceptable than is true of expressions of affection
between men. Nobody thinks anything of two women greeting each
other with a kiss, walking hand in hand or with arms clasped about
each other. Men would be looked upon suspiciously if they engaged
in any such behavior.
Still other abnormal outlets sexual feeling will take if it is not
provided with normal or acceptable forms of expression are:
--_Voyeurism_, or “Peeping Tom” behavior, brought about by
curiosity about sexual behavior of other individuals because
the person is repressed and lacks sexual information himself.
--_Fetishism_, which produces an unnatural sex attachment to
objects rather than persons. The objects may be shoes, hair
curls, wearing apparel. The possession and fondling of such
articles create arousal and satisfaction of sex feelings.
--_Pedophilia_, or unnatural attachment for children, perhaps
because it offers them a “safe” way to inspect and caress
human anatomy.
--_Sadism and masochism._ The first feeling comes from
inflicting pain on another, the second from having pain
inflicted on one’s self. This involves the sensual feeling of
pleasure-after-pain which we have already mentioned.
But to get back to the problem of finding socially approved outlets
for sexual feeling before marriage. We would advise couples
rigorously to refrain from direct sexual stimulation and other
below-the-shoulder petting until marriage is fairly imminent
if they hope to abstain from intercourse before marriage. The
excitation of such petting is apt to swirl a couple into complete
intimacy despite their best intentions not to go that far.
We would not undertake to advise young people how far they should
go in their petting, but feel that every young person--as a part of
his or her personal philosophy of life--should decide just what his
limits should be. When the limit is set here are some hints on how
to make it stick.
--Reserve even your good-night kisses for people you are
genuinely fond of. A girl should not cheapen them by letting
a casual date lead her to the davenport to collect a reward
for taking her out. And don’t fall into the error of thinking
that free-and-easy petting will increase your popularity. It
won’t except with people who would make unstable mates anyway.
--Limit carefully the time you are alone with a person of the
other sex under romantic conditions. It is almost a “rule of
love” that the longer a couple are alone with nothing much to
do, the greater the likelihood they will pet. Several college
girls tell us they never agree finally to a date until they
are sure there will be something definite to do--go to
the movies, dance or play gin rummy. If parents or school
authorities set a time limit for you to be home they are
really doing you a favor.
--Learn to sense when either is becoming physically aroused
and stop. Again college girls tell us that when they
recognize the danger signals they suggest to the man that
they dance, go for a soda or take a walk.
--Learn that alcoholic beverages may relax your inhibitions
to the point where you will go much further than you
intended. That is why some people wisely refrain from
drinking or limit themselves severely while on a date.
ARE YOU WARM OR COOL BY NATURE?
Some people respond to their mates with a greater intensity
of emotion than do others. This test should reveal your own
responsiveness.
1. Were you reared in an affectionate family? Yes No
2. Do you become excited at a close football or baseball
match? Yes No
3. Are you strongly moved by sentimental music or a romantic
movie? Yes No
4. When friends are away a week do you feel their absence a
great deal? Yes No
5. Do you have a wide circle of acquaintances and friends? Yes No
6. Does it help you to take your troubles to friends? And
do you want them to bring their troubles to you? Yes No
7. Are you fond of children? Yes No
8. Do you compliment others frequently--and sincerely? Yes No
9. Does it distress you to see someone in pain? Yes No
10. Do you feel you are _actively_ affectionate with the
person of the opposite sex that you like best? Yes No
11. Do you fed you are free from repressions? Yes No
12. When your feelings are hurt do you get over the hurt
quickly? Yes No
13. Do you participate in two or three social organizations? Yes No
14. Do you find it easy to mix with casual acquaintances? Yes No
15. In associating with people of the opposite sex are you
open and natural rather than stand-offish? Yes No
16. Do you consider yourself well-adjusted sexually? Yes No
17. Do you like to look after a sick person? Yes No
18. Were your own parents affectionate? Yes No
If you answered _yes_ to fifteen or more of these you are
a warm, ardent person and should be able to work out a
satisfying sexual adjustment in marriage. If you answered
_yes_ to nine or less you appear to be reserved and cool by
nature. Your best chance in marriage will be with a person of
similar disposition.
_Chapter VII_
Do You Frighten Possible Mates Away?
Getting along with the other sex is one of the most important
skills you will ever learn--if you do learn it.
If you fail to achieve a good adjustment it will show up in
other aspects of your life. Failure to get along with others
is undoubtedly one of the biggest reasons why people fail at
their jobs. Far more people are dropped from their positions or
are passed over in awarding promotions because of personality
inadequacies than are dropped because of technical incompetence.
The person who can’t get along well on a job is usually not a
good risk in marriage. And the person who cannot get along with
acquaintances is usually not a good risk for a job or for marriage.
Likewise, when you find a happily married person you will
also usually find a person who is happy in his work and in
his social contacts. And whether or not you get along with
people--particularly of the other sex--depends primarily upon the
sort of training you had in childhood. Professor Terman found
that happily married people were people whose own parents had
been happily married ... were people who had a great deal of love
and affection for their parents ... were people who had been
punished only mildly and infrequently by their parents and had been
disciplined firmly but not harshly. It is not impossible to replace
bad traits with good but it will become increasingly difficult with
each passing year.
How do you impress people of the other sex? Did you ever stop to
ask yourself that? To find the answer you will have to adopt the
attitude Socrates is alleged to have recommended: “Know thyself.”
Have you ever stopped to make an inventory of your assets and
liabilities? Perhaps you have traits which you have lived with so
long that you aren’t aware of them, but which greatly annoy people
you want to know better. Or perhaps the traits are not downright
offensive but weaken your appeal. The test in this chapter, “Do You
Have a Negative or Positive Personality?” may help you in making an
inventory.
If you feel something is holding you back from popularity with the
other sex try to get to the root of your trouble. If people do not
ask you out, why don’t they? If some dislike or avoid you, what
is the explanation? If some people seem merely to tolerate you,
what is the trouble? If you feel you do not have as much influence
in your group as you would like to, what is undermining your
influence? Below we are going to point out a dozen of the major
trouble-making characteristics. Perhaps some of them may apply to
you.
* * * * *
DO YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE IN THE PRESENCE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Perhaps you are haunted by deep feelings of inferiority, feelings
which may come from your lack of association--compared to other
persons your own age--with the opposite sex, or perhaps you have
been thrown into a more “sophisticated” group than you were
accustomed to. Another possibility is that you lack the knowledge
to intermingle suavely. Perhaps you still feel clumsy--and must
watch your feet--while dancing. Perhaps you dread the ceremony of
introducing people because you are vague on the etiquette involved.
Perhaps you are not sure you are dressed appropriately for the
occasion. Perhaps you don’t know when to use the right fork or
spoon. Perhaps you are not quite sure how to act in saying good
night to a date, or how to thank a hostess for a delightful evening.
The answer to this type of problem is simple. If you feel ill
at ease because you feel you are a poor dancer, then learn to
be a better dancer. Take lessons, or simply practice on your
own living-room floor. If it is etiquette that bothers you read
any of a dozen books on the subject, and watch carefully how
others around you behave. One more thing--if you are haunted by
feelings of inferiority, learn to do some one thing superlatively
well, even if it is only table tennis or gin rummy. This will
bring you recognition from the group and ease your feelings of
self-consciousness.
General Eisenhower has said that self-confidence is the greatest
asset one can have in the world. John Powers, originator of the
famed Powers Model Agency, tells his new models that the biggest
thing they have to learn is self-assurance, and he quotes to them
General Eisenhower’s remark.
* * * * *
ARE YOU ALOOF? Many young people, after they have been bruised a
couple of times in their early contacts with the opposite sex, wrap
their ego up in a protective shell so that no one can hurt them
again. Other people, particularly girls, want to be dated so badly
and feel so anxious about not being dated more that they “freeze”
when anyone approaches them for a date. They are anxious not to
appear over-anxious, and again aloofness results. Finally, girls
who teach often frighten men away through their aloofness. The
teacher often carries into her dating, unconsciously, the reserve
she develops in the classroom for disciplinary reasons.
Whatever the source of the aloofness, the attitude is interpreted
by the opposite sex as coldness and indifference. Possible dates
are frightened away because you appear unapproachable and perhaps a
bit haughty.
* * * * *
DO YOU HAVE A “LOW BOILING POINT” EMOTIONALLY? Some of us have
built up emotional habits that prevent us from getting along with
persons of the opposite sex. We habitually lose our tempers, act
rudely, show our anxieties, or go to pieces. They lead inevitably
to quarrels with our boy friends or girl friends. If you are easily
upset by frustrations or anger you find yourself involved in temper
outbursts and profanity, both of which are highly repelling to
anyone in the opposite sex interested in you.
* * * * *
DO YOU DAYDREAM FREQUENTLY? The daydreaming itself does not annoy
others, but daydreaming holds you back from appearing at your
best. Daydreaming is usually simply the imaginary representation
of satisfactions you do not achieve in real life. When you
let your daydreams become a substitute for real achievement,
your personality is definitely slipping and the outcome may be
dangerous. If you must daydream, make it planful.
* * * * *
DO YOU OFTEN COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR HEALTH? It is bad enough for your
marriage prospects to appear unhealthy. It is even worse if you
complain of your aches and pains. You not only bring the other
person’s attention even more on your short-comings, but reveal
yourself to be something of a hypochondriac, who is defined in
Webster’s dictionary as a person suffering from “a mental disorder
characterized by morbid anxiety as to the patient’s health....”
* * * * *
DO YOU BLAME YOUR TROUBLES AND MISTAKES ON OTHERS? This is one of
the most vicious mental habits one can get into. Psychologists
call it the habit of “projection.” You project your failures upon
somebody else. The boy says he is not able to get along with girls
because his father will not let him have the car. The girl blames
her failure to have dates upon her mother for not giving her the
right kind of clothes. Such a habit is much more serious than first
appears. In the first place, one’s listeners are not fooled by
such projections, and in the second place the individual who gets
into such a habit fails to profit by his mistakes. Thus he loses
opportunity for making improvement.
* * * * *
ARE YOU INTOLERANT OF PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT LIKE YOU? Broadmindedness
or tolerance is a trait we must have if people are to like us. To
be broadminded or tolerant, you usually need to be both intelligent
and well informed. Intolerance and bigotry are either based on
ignorance of other people or on a mind that knows the facts but is
all twisted up. One should not confuse broadmindedness with low
standards and ideals. A broadminded person may be tolerant of an
individual whose own standards are low even though the broadminded
person tries to live by practical, realistic and decent standards.
You can be an unchanging believer in a particular religion or be an
invariable follower of one political party, but at least you should
keep from ramming your personal views down the throats of others.
When you voice intolerances you usually antagonize acquaintances
who are startled by your narrow views.
* * * * *
ARE YOU ARGUMENTATIVE? Many persons, because of their biases or
prejudices or emotional tension, constantly want to argue. They
hope by arguing to convince others of the correctness of their own
views. The louder they shout the more persuasive their argument--so
they think. Actually, arguing rarely ever convinces anyone. And the
one sure result is that it will create hard feelings, if engaged
in vehemently. As long as a discussion can remain good humored and
considerate, with nobody raising his voice or becoming agitated,
worth-while ideas may be exchanged.
* * * * *
DO YOU BORE PEOPLE BY YOUR TALKING? Do you chatter inanely or
do you annoy people by constantly talking “shop?” One can talk
about one’s job without talking “shop.” The important difference
is that he talks about those aspects of his occupation that will
interest an outsider with normal curiosity. And he talks about
his job only if the listener shows by smiling or nodding his head
that the subject intrigues him. Being able to talk is not nearly
so important as being able to talk in a _congenial way_. The
congenial person sees that conversations cover only topics that are
mutually interesting, and he avoids talking too much. Further, he
is sensitive enough to catch the mood of the other person and is
flexible enough to join in that mood. Finally, the congenial talker
is sensitive enough to lead the conversation away from subjects
that will only bring conflict.
* * * * *
ARE YOU SELF-CENTERED? Perhaps you were “spoiled” as a child or
are so richly endowed with physical charm or with talent you feel
yourself to be the center of the universe. For example, the girl
may have temper tantrums in public, she may humiliate her escort by
biting sarcasm or devastating scorn. Often her escort simply serves
as a foil for her “brilliance” or good looks. She frightens her man
away because he sees himself going through life as a planet in her
orbit. Such a girl is not seeking a husband as such; what she wants
is a background for her own personality. After being hurt by her a
few times a man runs away and seeks a girl who will pour balm on
his injured ego.
* * * * *
ARE YOU AGGRESSIVE? A man may offend decent girls by being
aggressively “on the make.” A girl may be aggressive by being a
“gold-digger,” and scare men away by being both expensive and
inconsiderate. Or she may be aggressive simply in the sense that
she is worried about the shortage of males and sets out grimly to
get a man before it is too late. In match-making, man is jealously
proud of his role of pursuer and does not want his traditional role
usurped by the skirted sex. Thus most men resent overt signs of
aggression by a girl.
* * * * *
ARE YOU REPELLING PHYSICALLY? Most girls like to have a man who is
taller than they are. Feelings of prestige are involved.
Poor health, extreme tallness or shortness, extreme obesity
or thinness, very dark or very light complexion, poor motor
coördination, seriously impaired vision, impaired hearing,
unbecoming teeth, body odor, a general appearance of being weak and
easily tired detract greatly from one’s personality. Other things
that detract are bizarre features such as tattoos, the appearance
of being under-sexed. In general a person should never be more than
twenty per cent over or under the weight for his height.
In these days of modern medical science, plastic surgery,
orthodentistry, dermatology, etc., a girl or man can get rid of
most irregular features. And those that can’t be removed can
be overshadowed. The physical paralysis of the late President
Roosevelt did not influence people negatively because of the great
personal charm of the man. The impairment of hearing of Thomas
Edison did not diminish the respect and liking that people had for
his genius.
Odor is tremendously important in the impressions that one makes
on others. It is believed that one of the reasons men like women
and women like men is that their respective odors are agreeable to
each other. Halitosis, perspiration odors, clothing odors resulting
from wearing clothing in places of work where the air is redolent
with manufacturing processes, may ruin your chances for marrying
the one you want. Almost any girl or man who is in good health, who
is willing to take care of his teeth, who avoids wearing clothing
saturated with occupational odors and who is careful to avoid
perspiration smells can be wholesome and fragrant. Perfume should
be used to enhance the true natural body odor of the individual and
not to mask unpleasant ones.
Actually, physical appearances rarely need hurt seriously a
person’s chances of marriage providing they retain self-assurance.
The trouble is that a person with a prominent nose or big feet
is so concerned about the specific defects that he convinces
himself he presents an ugly appearance. He develops feelings of
inferiority, and that is where the real trouble begins.
The person who holds his head up, who can look you straight in the
eye, whose face is animated when he talks, is better looking and
better liked than the individual who does not do these things. The
_restful_ physical position, the alert face and animated expression
convey to others the feeling that you are poised. Poise and
self-confidence make up a large part of “good looks.”
Assuming that after reading this chapter you have concluded you
have some bad habits that are hurting your chances of getting
a desirable mate, how can the habit be broken? It is not easy.
There are two major thoughts to keep in mind in trying to break
a habit. First, once you decide to break the habit, you must not
let any exception occur. The reforming drunkard who has trouble
walking past bars knows that just one nip will set off a chain
of violations. The longer he can keep from drinking the weaker
the urge to drink becomes and soon he can pass bars without any
trouble at all, and in fact with scorn. The second idea in breaking
a habit is to substitute something in the habit’s place. A person
wants to stop eating sweets. Several years ago one of the cigarette
manufacturers sold millions of cigarettes by proposing that a
person with a sweet-tooth should reach for a cigarette instead of
a sweet. This was the principle of substitution. A substitute for
a boy who bites his fingernails may be something like this. He can
reason:
“I have a desire to bite my nails but I have a bigger desire not
to bite my nails. While it is difficult not to bite my nails it is
much more important that my nails look acceptable if I am to get
dates. I would rather have dates than bite my fingernails.” Such a
bigger goal may help you break any habit that offends people you
want to impress.
Girls probably are more concerned about the impression they create
than men. Here is some advice to women that one investigator, a
man, offered after making a study of the habits of women:
--Don’t wear styles that men consider queer.
--Don’t neglect the romantic illusion. Men are disillusioned
by such things as hair curlers, awkward positions and
postures, unattractive sounds in the throat, making up in
public.
--Don’t fail to answer a man, and promptly, when he addresses
you; he may feel slighted by inattention.
--Don’t nag a man. Men flee to office, club, other women--anywhere
but where the nagger is.
--Don’t tell off-color stories or use coarse language. Most
men resent them in women.
--Don’t show jealousy. All men abhor a jealous woman.
--Don’t compare your male companion unfavorably with another
man.
--Don’t giggle, shriek or otherwise be loud to attract his
attention.
DO YOU HAVE A NEGATIVE OR POSITIVE PERSONALITY?
Subtract five points for each of the _repelling_ traits you
possess. (Be honest.) And add five points for each of the
_appealing_ traits you can honestly claim as a consistent part of
your personality.
REPELLING TRAITS APPEALING TRAITS
1. Jealous Broadminded
2. Irritable Loyal to friends
3. Unbecoming teeth Truthful
4. Unpleasant body odor Tolerant
5. Intolerant Considerate
6. Uncomfortable in groups Affectionate
7. Full of anxieties Optimistic
8. Hot-tempered Good humored
9. Inclined to daydream Tactful
10. Rude Generous
11. Blame others for mishaps Enthusiastic
12. “Go to pieces” when upset Ability to accept criticism
13. Bite your nails Admit mistakes
14. Loud in talking Don’t make excuses
15. Profane habitually Dress appropriately
16. Laugh at mistakes of others Possess good health
17. Flaunt your knowledge Friendly
18. Talk about your bad health Modulated voice
19. Argumentative Reasonable
20. Brusque Congenial conversationalist
21. Aggressive Neat
22. Uncoöperative Clean
23. Lack confidence in self Correct use of English
24. Domineering Good posture and carriage
25. Selfish High ideals
26. Crude Consistently dependable
27. Egocentric (conceited) Naturalness
28. Gossipy Frankness
29. Unpredictable Attractive teeth
30. Envious of others Unselfish
If you ended up with a negative score you can feel fairly sure that
you are being handicapped in your association with the other sex by
an unattractive personality. In fact if you checked more than eight
of the _repelling_ characteristics (regardless of the number of
_appealing_ traits you checked) you have grounds for concern about
the impression you create. However, if you checked five or less of
the _repelling_ traits and ended with a total positive score of
more than one hundred you apparently have an unusually appealing
personality.
_Chapter VIII_
Attracting the One You Want
Will You marry the _one_ person you have met whom you would like
most to marry, will you have to be content with a second choice,
or will you have no choice at all? The answer will depend on
how appealing a person you are. And frequently that appeal can
be enhanced by knowledge of techniques for winning the romantic
interest of persons of the other sex.
The person who wants to win a mate must put three thoughts in the
prospective mate’s head. You must make that person feel the need of
a mate ... that you are the person who can best fit that need ...
and that the time is ripe for marriage.
First, let’s consider some of the things a girl can do to get a man
thinking along those lines:
--She should talk about the man’s basic needs in a subtle,
impersonal way by discussing such things as good food,
comfortable furniture, fireplaces, a place where one can
bring friends. She gets his ideas on the style of home he
likes, and gets his ideas about children. She does all this
in a friendly, optimistic way and avoids discussing some of
the disadvantages that marriage often entails. Veterans are
particularly responsive to such an approach because their
shifting, destructive life as fighting men has filled them
with a profound desire to settle down to a comfortable,
creative life.
--She appeals to the man’s yearning for mastery (which
every man has) by giving him the opportunity to do most of
the talking. She follows his words with genuine interest
and tries to fall in with whatever mood he is in. And she
enthusiastically accepts his ideas about places to go on
dates and things to do. Definitely, she minimizes any
mistakes that he may make, blames him for nothing and keeps
her complaints to herself, or lets them come out only as
friendly, constructive suggestions.
--She makes herself physically appealing.
--She does not discuss any poor physical health she may have,
nor does she discuss any bad breaks or her possible knack for
always getting into trouble.
--She lets him get the impression that other men are
interested in her, but makes it plain that they do not
interest her nearly as much as this particular man.
--She does not run down other girls.
--She makes it clear that she is sure he must be popular, and
very successful in his work.
--She talks casually about her married friends and gets
across the idea that they are terribly glad they married.
--She strives to make every occasion with this man an
enjoyable one.
--Finally she is not afraid to let him know that she likes
him and that his feelings toward her matter a great deal.
In short, the girl constantly sets up conditioning situations
which make the man feel good inside for having been with her.
Soon he’ll start thinking that it would be nice to have that good
feeling inside for the rest of his life. That is the mood in which
proposals germinate.
What are some of the things a man can do to get a girl in a
receptive mood for a proposal? Here are a few:
--If he is a shrewd, practical psychologist he can detect
the chief source of her feelings of inferiority. Most girls
feel inferior about something, usually something about their
appearance since that looms so important to them. Perhaps
they are acutely conscious of big hands or thick ankles or
mouse-colored hair. In such cases the man should reserve his
most enthusiastic compliments for those sites of anxiety. He
does not need to mention them specifically, but he should
word the compliments in such a way that those features are
obviously included in his admiration. The girl will be so
grateful that she will want to be with the man as much as she
can just to hear him say such nice things.
--The man should be “romantic” if it kills him. He should
remember that women inherently are much more sentimental
than men. If it weren’t for feminine sentiment there never
would have been a Valentine’s Day. The actual sex urge is not
as strong in girls as it is in men, so they are much more
interested in the _forms_ of courting than in sex expression
itself. They want to be told again and again that you adore
them.
--The man, if he is adept, can play effectively on the girl’s
feeling of insecurity. Security is the most important thing
in the world to women. Though girls can make their own living
nowadays, most of them still feel their greatest chance for
real security lies in marriage. How can the man play on
these feelings of insecurity?--by talking to the girl in
detail about her job, about her aspirations, her plans for
the future. He can accomplish the same result by the reverse
technique of talking casually and impersonally about all the
things that stand for security in a woman’s mind. He can
analyze house plans in a magazine with her; he can talk about
his own future at his job and the prospects that some day he
will have a job commanding respect and a substantial income.
--The man should be self-assured with the girl and just a bit
masterful. Despite all the feminine emancipation of the past
few decades, women admire he-men and sometimes yearn to be
swooped up, whisked away and relieved of all their problems.
--He should be considerate and gentle with the girl and be
careful that he observes all the amenities of politeness.
Women are more impressed by etiquette than men.
--He should be careful not to reveal any anxieties he has
about his job or his future generally.
--He should let the idea seep out that he is now in a
marriageable state of mind and that other girls seem
interested in him. Girls have a more fiercely competitive
spirit in their mate-seeking than men.
For people who are still a little baffled about the whole business
of courtship, we can pass on a tried and true formula for winning a
mate. We have seen it work wonders in scores of cases.
The amusing thing is that it was not designed for snaring mates but
for snaring customers for American products such as refrigerators.
It is sometimes called the AIDA advertising formula, named from the
first letters of the formula’s four key words--Attention, Interest,
Desire, and Action. To get a person to buy a refrigerator you must
first attract his attention, then generate an interest, instill a
desire to own the refrigerator, and then give him the final prod
that will impel him to go in and lay down his hard-earned money for
the machine.
When applied to your situation, it involves these four stages in
winning a mate: First, the prospective mate’s attention must be
directed toward you. Upon noticing you, he must see something that
will arouse his interest. Then he must be stimulated to have a
desire to know you better. When desire is aroused sufficiently,
action (agreement to marry) results.
There are, of course, many approaches to attracting a person’s
attention. A man has more liberties here in making himself seen
than a girl but let’s consider some of the socially-approved
approaches a girl can make. She can arrange for relatives,
friends and social and business acquaintances to introduce men
to her. In this her role can appear passive. Or she can use the
be-where-men-are approach by attending parties, meetings and
community affairs which by their very nature bring her into contact
with men.
After winning the person’s attention--whether you are a man or
a girl--the best way to arouse his or her interest is through
conversation--and not just any conversation. Here out of the whole
universe is one person before you. What kind of person is he or
she? What are his or her interests? Unharness your curiosity and
ask friendly, tactful questions. And you should make it clear
that you regard the person’s answers as worth-while. Emphasize
the _you_ with such questions as “What do _you_ think about ...”
or “_Your_ idea is the most sensible I’ve heard yet.” Whether you
are male or female, learn to be a _good listener_, or rather a
_good interrogator_. Lead the person into topics he or she seems
to relish discussing, and if you see frowns or looks of discomfort
change the subject.
Jim may be very much interested in photography. He will like you if
you ask him questions about his photography, whether he develops
his own pictures, the kind of camera he has, the unusual pictures
he has taken. However, you must use insight. Nana may be an expert
stenographer but may not be very proud of her vocation and so would
be more appreciative of questions about her taste in clothes, about
the different places she has lived, the books she has enjoyed
reading, the movie stars she likes, the places she has visited.
If you are a congenial conversationalist you have undoubtedly
gone a long ways toward arousing the interest of this person whose
attention you have. Now if you are still interested, begin asking
more personal questions about the person’s background. Perhaps
this does not come until after several dates. The aim is to arouse
in this person a desire to know you still better. Tell him the
things you admire in the opposite sex. Intimate that you are sure
he must be very popular. By attributing such a personality to him,
you create in him a desire to know you better! Once this desire is
firmly created, a courtship has begun that may very well lead to
the altar.
What traits do people especially look for in mates? One study of
college women and college men found these traits to be mentioned
most often:
GIRLS WANT IN MEN MEN WANT IN GIRLS
Congeniality Intelligence
Intelligence Beauty of form and figure
Companionship Congenial companionship
“Handsome” form and features Neatness
Wit Appealing dress
Good nature Good sportsmanship
Neatness Modesty
Sincerity Good morals
Dependability Sincerity
Good sportsmanship Wit
Sex appeal Sense of humor
Flexibility Sex appeal
Good morals Honesty
Honesty Truthfulness
Good manners Friendliness
At Penn State students were asked for the qualities they were
looking for in their future mate and a quite different list
resulted. They wanted their mate to have:
Honesty Good health
Affection Love for children
Cleanliness Same religion
Sense of humor Neatness
“Good background” Have character
Still another survey shows that if mature men are asked what kind
of woman they want for a wife, the majority will state that they
want a girl who is dark, reasonably slender, intelligent, with
a reasonably good figure, and is average to tall in height, and
is affectionate in disposition. The emphasis here is on physical
appearance. However, only 10 per cent of the men insist that the
girl must be “pretty.” Only about fifteen per cent insist that
their wife be a blonde, despite the glamorizing of the blonde, and
thirty-three per cent of the men say that they do not want blondes
under any circumstances. Even the plump girl has a chance. About
seventeen per cent of the men want a wife who is plump to solid.
“Looks” certainly are a factor in one’s attractiveness to the
opposite sex, particularly with girls. But actually almost any
girl can appear attractive to men if she has only one or two
really attractive features, providing she is intelligent enough
to capitalize on them. She may be flat-chested or knock-kneed but
the men scarcely notice that because she designs herself so that
her bad features are not seen. The eye is directed to the good
features, whether they be lustrous hair or luminous eyes. Some
of the most famous stars in Hollywood are either knock-kneed,
thick-ankled or big-footed. The only really ugly girls in this
world are the freaks, the crude girls, the girls who appear
sexless, and the girls who look unhealthy.
“Good looking” girls are the ones who make a good _first_
impression, and have such attractive personalities that the
impression persists. There you have an important distinction.
“Looks” are important in attracting the possible mate’s attention.
There is a psychological factor involved. For reasons of prestige
a man usually wants to prove to his friends that he has picked
a “looker” when he shows off his new girlfriend. But once the
attention is secured, looks for either a man or girl become
decidedly secondary considerations. From then on a person stands or
falls on his personality. A man can be an Adonis or a girl can be
symmetrically perfect. Yet they can bore you and you can’t get them
out of your sight fast enough.
What is the normal physical appearance of a man and woman? One
physician has found that the average woman has a height of about
five feet four inches and weighs approximately 132 pounds. For
every inch of additional height she may add five pounds; for every
inch less of height she should subtract five. The man, on the
other hand, has an average height of about five feet seven inches,
or three inches higher than the girl. He should weigh about 142
pounds. For every inch of height more or less a man can add about
eight pounds, if he has his clothes on.
Some women want their men to be “tall, dark and handsome” but
statistics would seem to indicate that only about one man in two
hundred attains the height of six feet.
Sometimes young people develop terrible inferiority complexes
because of specific ugly features they have. Since a feeling of
confidence and poise is so important in winning a mate it might
be advisable for one with a bad nose, for example, to have a
plastic surgery operation. As everyone knows, plastic surgery made
tremendous strides in the recent war. A good plastic surgeon will
remake your nose for a price averaging about three hundred dollars.
The operation itself requires less than an hour, and you may be
out of circulation for only a couple of weeks. Such an operation
leaves no scars because it is performed through the nostrils rather
than from outside. Many other operations of this kind are possible:
operations that will eliminate scars, that will improve a bad
chin, that will give the lips a configuration, etc. The operation
may be worth while if it is the only way to remove a source of
anxiety. In these days of modern medical science, plastic surgery,
orthodentistry, dermatology, etc. almost any person can rid himself
of really abnormal features. And once you have achieved fairly
harmonious features your personality is what counts.
It is significant that in defining a truly beautiful woman John
Powers, the model agent, listed these four things as being in the
top ten ingredients of beauty:
A radiant personality
Integrity of character
Complete self-assurance
Intellectual curiosity
One Hollywood columnist wrote in his column the following two
sentences that should cause anyone to think: “Beauty is a drug on
the market. Personality can command any price.”
Complete self-assurance (tempered by modesty of course) is
undoubtedly the most helpful characteristic anyone can have in
competing for mates. The person who has an inferiority complex
may have developed it because of physical features which prey on
his mind, or because of some inadequate behavior in the past.
He may have made poor grades in school or not have been able
to earn a letter in athletics. There are many ways to acquire
self-confidence. Here are some:
Starting a savings account
Going to the “right places”
Participating in amateur shows
Dressing as well as you can
Owning a good collection of books or classical records
Joining a fraternity or fraternal organization
Taking part in church activities
Buying property or organizing a business
Becoming a Scout Leader
But one of the best of all possible ways to rid yourself of an
inferiority complex and to develop self-confidence is to become
skillful in social activities that young people frequently enter
into. Learn to be expert at tennis or golf or Ping-pong or bridge
or canoeing, or swimming or bowling or skeet-shooting or gin rummy,
or saxophone playing, or being an amateur magician. Nothing builds
up confidence faster than to possess a secret skill that interests
or amuses people of the opposite sex. Most important of all, learn
to be a skillful dancer. If you can float about a dance floor it
instills confidence in you, and admiration in your dancing partner.
Besides, you will enjoy yourself more. And a person who knows how
to enjoy himself is attractive to other people.
_Chapter IX_
Is the One You Want the One You Need?
The average young person considering his or her prospects of
marriage, we find, thinks only in terms of what he wants in a mate.
But actually anyone facing realistically the problem of selecting
a mate should realize that three things, not one, ought to be
considered: 1. What you want. 2. What you need. 3. What you can get.
Perhaps the ideal in your mind of the mate you want is not only
something you can’t get but also something you have no need for.
What you want may be unattainable in the community in which you
live. For example, if a girl would not marry a coal miner though
she lived in a small coal-mining community, she might either have
to modify her standards, move to a different community, or become
an old maid.
Ordinarily you might think that the kind of mate you might
want would be the kind you would need. But it often happens
that a person’s desires are based on frivolous or impractical
considerations; or upon the desire merely to “marry into money.”
During the past several years, students in Penn State’s psychology
classes on preparation for marriage have been asked what amount of
money they would consider an absolute minimum on which they would
be willing to marry. The girls consistently specified more than the
men. The average for the boys is $2,450, and for the girls $2,950.
More than ten per cent of the girls have specified that they
will not marry until their groom has an income of more than five
thousand dollars. Obviously such girls are insisting on incomes
which are more than they need and almost certainly more than they
can get.
Take the case of Miriam, who specified that her man must be earning
at least four thousand dollars a year before she will consider
marrying. She set the figure that high because she says she knows
nothing about cooking or managing a home so will have to hire
someone else to do that. This man she will be willing to marry must
be of “superior intelligence” (even though her intelligence is
barely average), he must be six feet tall, be dark and handsome, be
a good dancer; he must have broad shoulders and a “strong face.”
He must be a good Culbertson bridge player; he must smoke a pipe;
he must come from a “distinguished” family and must be either a
physician or lawyer. Finally, she wrote, he must be a man who will
put her on an altar and worship her.
Miriam has thought vaguely of children but thinks they should be
put off for at least five years so that she may follow a dancing or
theatrical career if something should develop. It is conceivable,
of course, that she can find such a man, but considering her
background and talents we doubt that she could interest him in
marriage.
Often what we want in a mate is based upon our wants at the moment
rather than upon basic or long-range needs. A couple in their
early twenties may insist that each be a good dancer as one of the
main qualifications for marriage. They dance so much that dancing
looms large in their life. But ten years from now, when they will
probably dance only a few times a year, it may be an unessential
qualification while the ability to manage finances may add to the
total family income and help weather a serious depression.
Qualities that may make a boy or girl a wonderful date are not
necessarily the qualities that will make a wonderful mate. The two
can be profoundly different. A girl wants a date for a party or
dance. She wants a man who can dance, who will be admired as “good
looking,” who will be a “good mixer,” who may be a “catch,” perhaps
a football star or a radio actor. While these may be qualities
needed for a date or dance, they probably will not be important
qualities she will need in a mate for happiness in marriage. Don’t
confuse a “good date” with a “good mate,” for what you want in a
date may be far removed from what you need in marriage.
Too many times people fall in love with glamorous traits in the
other. A girl “falls in love” with Bill because she loves his
flattery or his dancing or his car or his taste in clothes. They
cast such a halo effect that the girl gives little thought to the
fact that Bill is a chronic heavy drinker. If she could see that
his drinking will probably wreck any marriage he undertakes, she
could spare herself much heartache.
Some people set their “mate goals” so high that they would rather
remain unmarried than marry anyone below these standards. Years
later they may be terribly disappointed and frustrated as a result.
In the summer marriage classes at Penn State, which are largely
made up of unmarried school teachers, many have confessed that they
could have married when younger but somehow the man didn’t seem
quite good enough. Now, too old to hope to marry, most of them wish
they had been more practical in their middle twenties and not have
had to wait until the late thirties or futile forties to see their
error.
We know of young men today who would seem to be excellent prospects
for mates--and they actually favor the idea of marrying--but we
would be willing to predict that they will be bachelors. They are
too fussy. They find something in every girl they go with that does
not conform to their idea of an ideal mate.
How do we come by our ideals for mates? During adolescence and
childhood both boys and girls form in their mind some kind of a
“dream hero or heroine,” a sort of “phantom lover.” He or she is a
composite of all the qualifications they want their future mate to
have. No such paragon ever exists in real life and the mental image
does undergo some modifications as the individual grows older.
Often this ideal has the qualities of some of the people we
idolized in earlier years. Sometimes the qualities seem to be those
of a favorite movie star, or of a heroine of literature. Sometimes
they are inspired by qualities of an admired parent or older
brother or sister. If you were brought up in a home by an adored
and deeply-loved mother, your “phantasy ideal” may have almost all
the good qualities of your mother. But if you were brought up in
a home where you and your mother were in constant conflict, then
you may be interested in avoiding in a mate all the qualities you
associate in your mind with your own mother.
People who cling to their phantasy ideal after they are grown up do
so largely because they cannot distinguish between what they want
and what they need. They are convinced that their wants and needs
are identical. Their families and friends may try to show them the
difference but their immediate wants are all that they can see.
Most of us who are married can look back and can see that the girl
or man we yearned to marry at twenty would not be the kind of mate
we need now. We thank Heaven that we did not marry that one.
Then what are the things we need in a mate? There are certain
qualities that almost everyone would accept as desirable--qualities
such as good health, sense of humor, fairness, dependability,
unselfishness, patience. And there are some traits that are so
fundamental that we will take them up in the next chapter under
“Crucial Traits for a Happy Marriage.”
However, most all authorities are agreed that in considering
possible mates you should in general seek someone who is roughly
near your own age, who has about the same education that you have,
who comes from approximately the same social-economic level that
you do, and who is of the same nationality, race and religion.
Intelligence is important only in a relative sense--relative,
that is, to you. Feebleminded persons tend to marry feeble-minded
persons. While geniuses cannot always marry geniuses, they do
tend to marry highly intelligent people. The average man marries
a woman who is slightly less intelligent than he is. That’s why
many brilliant women never marry. They do not come in contact with
sufficiently brilliant men, or fail to disguise their brilliance
in order to win a man of somewhat less intelligence. College males
tell us that they want a girl for a wife who is “intelligent,” but
makes them feel they are still more intelligent!
Another thing we must concede: some people have wants which
are so intense that they become needs. We have a letter from a
veteran, a young major. The girl he has long considered proposing
to has everything he wants except beauty. He has gone with her for
four years. He is thirty-one, she is twenty-seven. She is sweet,
understanding, affectionate, is well educated and supporting
herself. She is a good cook and an excellent companion. She is neat
and clean and plain. But she is not pretty. He knows she loves him
and he thinks he loves her but every time he thinks of proposing
he is held back because she isn’t attractive. Perhaps he should
not marry this girl if her lack of beauty is going to gnaw at him
the rest of his life. One alternative--and we suggested it--was
that he suggest to her somehow that she take a course with a “charm
school.” Another thought we suggested was that most beauty comes
from within and that ten years from now this girl would probably
have a more appealing face than many of the so-called beauties of
her own age today.
In considering what you need in a mate it might be helpful to
consider what are the important things to your happiness in life.
_A marriage will be good for you only if it helps you satisfy these
basic needs._ These needs--after you have achieved subsistence
through food, shelter and clothing--are primarily psychological.
In considering whether any particular person would be a good
mate for you, ask yourself these seven questions, based on the
psychological needs you will want to satisfy:
* * * * *
WILL THIS MATE BRING YOU SOCIAL APPROVAL? You will want a mate that
other people will like, that other people will admire and respect.
You thus need a mate who is adept at getting along with other
people. Will your friends like him and will the mate’s friends like
you? Will your parents think approvingly of the marriage?
* * * * *
CAN THIS MATE OFFER YOU SECURITY? This desire for security is a
very fundamental one, especially with girls. It is based upon
the bodily need for food, shelter and clothing but is much more
complex. Will this mate be kind and considerate and give you
a feeling of confidence and stability? Will this mate refrain
from gambling, drinking and other things that might imperil the
security of your future home and children? In short, will this mate
bring you a feeling that you have an anchor that will keep you
steady?
* * * * *
WILL THIS MATE HELP YOU GET AHEAD? This involves the desire for
mastery, which is a universal human motive, particularly with men.
It produces the urge to succeed, to excel, to overcome obstacles,
to keep on fighting, to master situations. It is this desire for
mastery that makes a husband take a correspondence course which
may lead to a job promotion. The girl wants a mate who will be
ambitious and the man needs a wife who will show initiative, who
will read books on how to prepare tasty dishes and how to rear
children according to the best principles of child care, and who
will not become easily discouraged or frustrated.
* * * * *
WILL THIS MATE EMBARRASS YOU BY NONCONFORMITY? The man wants a wife
who will not act unbecomingly in public, who knows how to say and
do the right thing when other people are present, who will conform
to the customs that will cause the neighbors to think well of
her. The girl wants a man who is not discourteous or sloppy, who
will get to work at the time he is supposed to report, who will
not embarrass her in public by doing things that will make them
criticized by others.
* * * * *
WILL THIS MATE BE AFFECTIONATE WITH YOU? We all want to be
appreciated, to be approved by our own mate, to be given
spontaneous tokens of affection, to be told that we are loved. It
is tied up with our desire for praise and recognition. The man
wants his wife to cherish him, to build him up, to show him in many
little ways that she loves him, that she is close to him, and that
she needs him. And the wife, perhaps to an even greater degree,
needs to feel she is important to her husband, that he loves her
and shows that love in many little ways.
* * * * *
WILL THIS MATE SATISFY YOU SEXUALLY? There are many ways you can
detect before marriage whether such satisfaction can be achieved
with this particular mate. Beware a person who shows a neurotic
tendency, unconventional behavior, a craving for excitement, an
urge to be constantly on the go. Beware of both the prudes and
of persons who seem preoccupied with sex. Beware of indications
of jealousy and possessiveness. These symptoms suggest that this
person may not be able to find sexual satisfaction in marriage nor
bring it to you.
* * * * *
FINALLY, CAN THIS MATE TALK THINGS OVER WITH YOU? This ability,
in our opinion, is one of the biggest single values in marriage.
Beware of suspiciousness, of demands for explanation, of
resentment, of continual criticism of others. These things suggest
you may be entangled with a nagger and a complainer who will
constantly try to improve you stead of dealing with you as a
partner. You will find it difficult to talk to such a person, to
discuss your mutual problems. Being able to talk things over with
another person without restraint--which psychologists call mutual
psychotherapy--is probably one of the greatest things you can
get out of marriage. If a couple have confidence in each other,
can confide their hopes, and their ambitions, can encourage and
stimulate each other when frustrated, then such a couple can go far
in satisfying the basic needs in their lives.
_Chapter X_
Crucial Traits for a Happy Marriage
Thus far we have talked about what young people think they want in
their mates and about the basic needs, which a good mate should
fill. But we still haven’t discussed the big question. What are the
actual traits you should have and your mate should have if you are
to achieve happiness in marriage? What makes a marriage happy or
unhappy?
A few years ago no reliable answer was available. But within the
past few years a great deal of illuminating data has been turned up
by investigators as a result of an upsurge of scientific interest
in marriage. This interest was aroused by the frightening rise in
marital bankruptcy as shown by the divorce trend.
What are the characteristics actually found in happily married
mates and unhappily married mates?
Terman delved into the lives of 792 married couples and came out
with these conclusions about the qualities that usually go with
both kinds of mates:
HAPPY WIVES UNHAPPY WIVES
Have kindly attitude toward Often have feelings of
others inferiority
Like to help underdogs Tend to be defensive or
Tend to be conventional aggressive
Are coöperative Easily annoyed, irritated
Strong urge to save money Often join clubs only to get
Are optimistic about life an office or recognition
Do not take offense easily in them
Less interested in social activities Extreme in their views
such as dances More likely to be neurotic
Like to teach children Lose tempers easily
Put less importance on clothes Impressed by thrilling
Are systematic homemakers situations
Do less daydreaming Seek spectacular activities
Want to be on the move
Show little interest in
housework
Now how about the husbands? Here is what Terman found about them:
HAPPY HUSBANDS UNHAPPY HUSBANDS
Have greater stability Often have feelings of
Are coöperative inferiority
Get along well with business Compensate by browbeating wife
associates and subordinates
Are somewhat extroverted Dislike details
Are more conservative in attitudes More radical about sex
Willing to take initiative morality
Take responsibility easily Inclined to be moody
Do not get rattled easily Are more argumentative
Like recreations that take
them away from home
Apt to be careless about money
Another approach Terman made was to find out what husbands and
wives complain about most in their mates. He found that unhappily
married couples were overflowing with complaints while happily
married couples voiced few criticisms. Here are the complaints he
heard most often:
COMPLAINTS FROM HUSBANDS COMPLAINTS FROM WIVES
Wife’s feelings hurt too easily Insufficient income from husband
Wife too critical In-laws
Trouble with in-laws Impatience of husband
Wife nervous or emotional Husband’s poor management of
Income managed poorly income
He has no “freedom” His tendency to be critical
Wife has poor taste in His preferences in amusements
amusements His failure to talk things over
Wife is a nagger His failure to show affection
When Terman had accumulated all of his findings, he devised
a “Prediction of Marriage Happiness Scale” by means of which
an unmarried person could determine his own chances of finding
happiness in marriage. This has nothing to do with the other person
involved but simply tests your own capability of becoming a good
mate for someone. He found what we have already indicated--that
your background largely predetermines your ability to be a
successful mate. Of the factors he found most significant in
predicting happiness in marriage, ten stand out as most essential
to success.
1. Are your parents happily married?
2. Did you have a happy childhood?
3. Were you free from conflict with your mother?
4. Was your childhood discipline firm but not harsh?
5. Did you have a strong attachment to your mother?
6. Did you have a strong attachment to your father?
7. Were you free from conflict with your father?
8. Were your parents frank with you about sex?
9. Were you punished infrequently and mildly?
10. Is your attitude toward sex free from disgust or aversion?
Terman says that any person who has all ten in his favor is a
considerably better than average marriage risk. He gives emphasis
to this by saying that any one of the ten factors seems to be
more important to marriage happiness than does virginity of the
individual at the time of marriage.
At Penn State, where the first all-college marriage counseling
service in America was founded, an adaptation of Dr. Terman’s
prediction scale is used, by special permission of Dr. Terman,
along with the Guilford-Martin Personnel Inventory I and other
tests. But the main device the Penn State clinic uses in building
an over-all “index” of a person’s prospects for a happy marriage
is the Adams-Lepley Personal Audit, which was a product of Penn
State’s own investigations. This Audit not only discloses your
potentialities for being a good mate, and the potentialities of
your possible mate, but goes on to match your two profiles to see
if you are compatible.
The happiest marriages, the clinic has found, are between persons
who not only are good prospects for marriage individually but
who have markedly similar personalities. The clinic calls this
compatibility. It has found that _opposites_ may attract each
other but it is the _likes_ who achieve the happiest marriages
together.
In the process of perfecting this Audit, the clinic not only tested
it on thousands of persons and couples but followed up hundreds
of those couples who later married, to find out how well the
predictions bore up after the couple had been living with each
other a year or so as man and wife. (They bore up very well indeed.)
Now the clinic believes it knows just what traits are crucial for
men to possess and what ones are crucial for women. (They sometimes
differ.)
The Audit measures you for nine separate and distinct traits of
personality--sociability, conformity, tranquillity, dependability,
stability, idealism, steadiness, flexibility, and seriousness. A
personality trait has two extremes, just as height has the two
extremes of tallness and shortness. These are the opposite poles
for the nine traits just listed:
Reserved--Sociable Bold--Fearful
Agreeable--Nonconforming Broadminded--Idealistic
Tranquil--Irritable Calm--Emotional
Dependable--Evasive Rigid--Flexible
Thoughtful--Frivolous
Let’s consider these nine traits, and their significance when found
in a mate. (You can also apply them to yourself.)
* * * * *
TRAIT I. IS HE RESERVED OR SOCIABLE? Another way to put it is
this: “Is he introverted or extroverted?” The reserved person is
usually quiet, ambitious, serious, agreeable with intimates and
confines his socializing to close friends. Sociable or extroverted
people are extremely social and aggressive. They are talkative
and carefree and sometimes show little regard for other people’s
rights. They are the “glad-handers.” Perhaps the man is a salesman,
or the girl is a sorority president.
The Penn State investigators found, surprisingly, that the happily
married men tended to be just a bit more impulsive, to be more
sociable, to be more talkative and to have broader interests than
did unhappily married men. Women on the other hand could tend to
be either reserved or sociable and still be happy, as long as they
were not extreme introverts or extreme extroverts.
* * * * *
TRAIT II. IS HE AN AGREEABLE SORT, OR IS HE AN “INDIVIDUALIST”? The
agreeable person tends to conform to the norms set by society. He
is usually poised, coöperative, can concentrate easily and tends to
wholesome recreations. The individualist enjoys the idea of being
“different,” is apt to hurt people’s feelings by his brusqueness
and impatience with things that bore or irritate him. In extreme
cases he is bullheaded and argumentative.
* * * * *
TRAIT III. IS HE TRANQUIL OR IRRITABLE? The tranquil person has an
even disposition, works methodically, is patient, gets along well
with folks. The irritable person tends to “fly off the handle,” to
be easily annoyed, to find fault, to be erratic and peevish.
For men tranquillity is a _crucial_ trait, the Penn State
investigators found. The happily married man is less easily
annoyed, less irritable, less peevish, less critical than the
unhappily married man. To a girl this means she should be careful
about marrying a man who is irritable. While it is desirable for
the girl to be even-tempered too, this trait is not as important
for a girl as for a man. However, it was found that when one of the
two mates tends to be irritable and annoyed it is highly desirable
for the other mate to be even-tempered. When you get two irritable
persons under the same roof the explosions soon force one to beat a
retreat, sometimes into divorce.
* * * * *
TRAIT IV. IS HE FRANK OR EVASIVE? This is probably the most crucial
trait for marriage happiness that we know. The dependable person is
frank and truthful and conscientious. He gets along harmoniously
with others, is willing to accept responsibility, is stable and
coöperative. The evasive person is unwilling to face reality or to
accept responsibilities. He “passes the buck” or projects the blame
for things onto others. He exaggerates and often lies. He is easily
depressed and lacks integrity.
Persons who rate high in dependability consistently are the ones
who are happiest in both marriage and their work. This one trait is
at least as crucial to happiness in marriage for a girl as is the
entire complex of traits measured by Terman’s Prediction Scale.
While it is most crucial for girls in marriage, it is also crucial
for men. For a girl it is unquestionably the most crucial trait we
know.
This means that in considering any possible mate you should be
particularly careful to notice whether he or she is dependable or
not dependable. Does he keep appointments, tell the truth and work
conscientiously?
* * * * *
TRAIT V. IS HE BOLD OR FEARFUL? The “bold” person is confident
to the point of cocksureness. He is willing to carry out
responsibilities, usually is carefree, stable, self-sufficient,
and a bit dominant. The unstable, or fearful, person is shy and
changeable. He may seem withdrawn and rarely evinces qualities of
leadership.
This trait is crucial for women and fairly important for men. A
woman, to have a happy marriage, needs to show strong indications
of stability, because in running her household alone she must be
self-assured and independent in emergencies when outside help isn’t
available. A man should beware a woman who is exceedingly nervous
or fearful, jittery or afraid. For the man it is important that he
be fairly stable, but without being reckless.
* * * * *
TRAIT VI. IS HE BROADMINDED OR IDEALISTIC? The broadminded person
is tolerant, flexible, practical, realistic. His temperament tends
to be pleasant and smooth. The idealistic person shows strong
attitudes. Prejudice, often disguised as “high” standards, may be
present. Inferiority and peevishness are often found here.
Stop and think. The girl you want to marry is the one you hope will
be the mother of your children. You want her to instill reasonably
high standards and ideals in the children. You want her to be
conventional and not do things that will bring criticism. The
happiest marriages are those in which the wife has high standards
and ideals but not ones that are so stiff and unyielding that she
can never see any justification for a slip-up now and then. Unhappy
marriages are those where the wives have standards that are very
low and who behave in unconventional or questionable ways. Our
society encourages higher standards and ideals for women than it
does for men. The man can be tolerant and easygoing but should have
standards sufficiently high so that he considers it important to
be faithful to his wife, and does not waste his money in drink or
gambling.
* * * * *
TRAIT VII. IS HE CALM OR EMOTIONAL? Calm persons have “normal” ways
of thinking. Their feelings are not intense. Persons whose work
requires objectivity and courage--such as surgeons and military
leaders--score high at this level. Emotional people, in contrast,
usually think in unorthodox ways. They are usually sensitive. Their
feelings are volatile and deep-seated. Interests in writing, drama,
arts, literature are often found here. Individualistic, creative
work is preferred, and the person may appear temperamental or
eccentric to others. Repression and sexual conflicts are common.
Since the emotional person is intense and usually not too well
adjusted, marriage may not prove too satisfactory. The trait of
coolness or steadiness is much more crucial for men than for women.
The happiest married men seem to be those who are steady and free
of excess emotion. This enables them to be objective in their work.
A girl should be wary of selecting a mate who is very emotional,
who is too much interested in sex or who works in the movies or
other work where there is a great deal of glamour and excitement.
* * * * *
TRAIT VIII. IS HE RIGID OR FLEXIBLE? This is more important in
men than in women, and the man’s age determines whether he should
score high in rigidity or in flexibility. If the man is under
twenty-five it is well for the couple’s future happiness if he
scores quite high in flexibility because marriage requires a great
deal of adjusting and a certain amount of trying out new jobs is
healthy for a young man. However, flexibility in a man past thirty
should make a girl seriously question the advisability of marriage
to him because he is apt to be permanently a “will-o’-the-wisp”;
his characteristics are pretty well set. A man in his thirties
who changes jobs frequently, who is not “settled,” is not a good
matrimonial bet.
* * * * *
TRAIT IX. IS HE THOUGHTFUL OR FRIVOLOUS? Beware of the girl who
is frivolous. She will be shallow and discontented; she will have
many unsettled problems; she will be worrying about her past as
well as her future; she will have trouble making up her mind and
will seem to be at loose ends. She may nag and complain. For women,
thoughtfulness ranks second only to dependability in importance to
marriage happiness.
There you have the nine traits. As you have probably noticed, it is
much more crucial for women to have the right personality traits
than for men. This is due largely to the fact that marriage looms
much larger in a woman’s life than it does in a man’s. A wife has
to do the larger part of the “adjusting” to marriage. She usually
has to give up her name, her job, her residence, and many of her
friends. The man can go on pretty much the same as he did before
marriage. The wife must spend the greatest part of her day being
a wife (homemaker) whereas the man serves actively in the role of
husband only a few hours a day.
In summing up, what advice would we give the young man in order
that he can select a mate who will be happy in marriage and
contribute to his happiness in marriage? Ideally, he might well
look for a girl:
Who is frank and dependable,
Whose family background has been such that she was reared in
a happy home,
Who is thoughtful and not beset by conflicts revolving around
her adjustments to the opposite sex,
Who is stable and self-sufficient and free from neuroticism,
Who is objective and free from excessive sensitiveness,
Who is friendly, kindly and considerate,
Who is coöperative in her relations with others,
Who is flexible and adaptable,
Who is steady and free from emotional behavior,
Who is tranquil and not easily irritated,
Who has average to high standards and ideals,
Who can be influenced by people who have sound ideas,
Who is somewhat extroverted and carefree.
All of these traits of course are not vital but it is advisable
that she fit into the general pattern outlined above.
Next, what should a girl look for in a young man? Ideally, he
should be a man:
Who is tranquil and not easily irritated,
Who is dependable and frank,
Who is objective and has feelings that are not easily hurt,
Who gets along easily with others,
Who is coöperative in group projects and likes to help people,
Who is cool and free from emotionality,
Who is concerned about what other people think of him,
Who was reared in a happy home,
Who is free of cares and has broad interests,
Who is fairly well contented with his lot in life,
Who can be influenced by others when their reasoning is sound.
The big question is how you can know if you and any prospective
mate have qualities that make you good marriage risks. You will
find in the next chapter ten tests that should provide the answer.
They will record your rating on the nine traits we have just
discussed, plus a rating on your family background.
_Chapter XI_
Test Your Mate and Yourself
Now you are going to take ten tests that will record how well
qualified you are to marry. Your over-all score will indicate your
chances of achieving a happy marriage, with whomever you may marry.
These tests can be taken by either men or girls. And we suggest
that after you take the tests you have your favorite date take them
too. Then in the next chapter you can see how well you are matched.
In addition to scoring your desirability as a mate, the tests will
help unveil for you your own personality. They will present you as
you appear to other people. Be honest with yourself. There are no
catch questions.
If you wish you can get a piece of paper to write your answers on.
If you do this you will not mark up the book, nobody will know how
you answered, and any other person taking the tests will not be
influenced by your answers.
Don’t look up the correct answers until you have finished all the
tests. After you have completed all ten tests you can then see how
they should be scored. Some of these traits are more important to
marriage happiness than others, and some are more important for one
sex than the other. Be sure not to talk over any of the questions
with anyone until after you have taken all the tests. Now go ahead,
and work rapidly.
TRAIT I (Sociability)
Indicate the degree of your liking for each of the following
activities by drawing a circle around _M_ if you would like
it a great deal, around _S_ if you would have some liking for
it, around _L_ if you would have a little liking for it,
around _N_ if you would have practically no liking for it.
1. Introducing strangers at a party. M S L N
2. Entertaining a group of friends. M S L N
3. Raising money for a charity. M S L N
4. Taking part in some athletic contest. M S L N
5. Going on a picnic. M S L N
6. Playing games like golf, tennis, croquet, or darts. M S L N
7. Reading the sporting section of the newspaper. M S L N
8. Playing games like bridge, pinochle or Monopoly. M S L N
9. Keeping a pet, such as a cat or dog. M S L N
10. Attending a masquerade party. M S L N
11. Performing on the radio. M S L N
12. Being a delegate to a convention. M S L N
13. Making long-distance telephone calls to friends. M S L N
14. Preparing for an examination by studying with classmates. M S L N
15. Helping a stranded motorist change a tire. M S L N
TRAIT II (Conformity)
Fifteen experts, each of whom had won success in a different
field, were asked to give an opinion of the statements below.
At least eight or more of the experts marked each statement
below as true. Read each statement, and if you agree with the
experts that the statement is true, draw a circle around _A_.
If you agree but only with reservations, draw a circle around
_R_. If you disagree with the experts, draw a circle around
_D_.
1. Shows with scantily dressed performers should not be
permitted. A R D
2. No cultured person would ever use profanity. A R D
3. The right to vote should be given to persons of 18
years of age. A R D
4. No person except a law officer should be permitted to
own a pistol. A R D
5. No acceptable excuse can ever be made for suicide. A R D
6. Children owe their parents more than their parents
owe them. A R D
7. Few people would be better off dead than alive. A R D
8. Rich people are no happier than poor people. A R D
9. Natural resources should belong to individuals rather
than to the government. A R D
10. Parents can decently support and educate two children
in a city of 5000, with a total income of less than
$200 per month. A R D
11. Parents should be permitted to punish or whip their
children. A R D
12. Stealing cannot be excused on any grounds. A R D
13. Anything injurious to the human body, such as tobacco,
should be outlawed. A R D
14. Highly intelligent people are just as happy as average
people. A R D
15. The average person needs more mathematics than the
eighth grade provides. A R D
TRAIT III (Tranquillity)
Below is a list of the common annoyances which affect most
people to some extent. Indicate your degree of annoyance for
each of them by drawing a circle around _M_ if it annoys you
much, around _S_ if it annoys you some, around _L_ if it
annoys you a little, and around _N_ if it never annoys you.
1. To have stop light turn red as you drive up to it. M S L N
2. To drop an article when you have your arms full. M S L N
3. To have to stand up in a streetcar or bus. M S L N
4. To have to talk when you don’t feel like it. M S L N
5. To be interrupted when reading a very interesting story. M S L N
6. To have a casual visitor outstay his welcome. M S L N
7. To be detained when you are in a hurry. M S L N
8. To listen to radio when static is bad. M S L N
9. To have someone break an engagement at the last minute. M S L N
10. To be interrupted when you are talking. M S L N
11. To have someone read over your shoulder. M S L N
12. To miss a streetcar or bus. M S L N
13. To have movie film break at an exciting point. M S L N
14. To burn your mouth or tongue with hot food or beverage. M S L N
15. To be accidentally locked out of your car or home. M S L N
TRAIT IV (Dependability)
Of the statements below, draw a circle around _T_ for the
ones you believe to be usually true; draw a circle around _D_
for the ones whose truth you doubt; and draw a circle around
_F_ for the ones usually false.
1. Prohibition encouraged many people to drink who had
never drunk before. T D F
2. An unpopular person could often become popular by
lowering his standards of conduct. T D F
3. People who date a great deal before marriage often make
poor marriage mates. T D F
4. Students who are always taking the lead in class discussions
are usually trying to get attention. T D F
5. Policemen “bawl out” people largely to satisfy their own
sense of importance. T D F
6. People of high ideals usually have fewer friends than
individuals whose ideals are not of the highest. T D F
7. A person is often a failure because of very high ethics. T D F
8. The very pretty girl with little ability often is more
successful than the plain girl who has real ability. T D F
9. What you know is not so important to success as whom you
know. T D F
10. Getting the breaks is more important to success than being
well qualified. T D F
11. Few employees would loaf on the job if they were paid
sufficient wages. T D F
12. Man is powerless in the hands of fate. T D F
13. People often try to impress others by saying that they are
very fond of “highbrow” music and books. T D F
14. The law is harder on the poor man than on the rich man. T D F
15. The good “bluffer” succeeds nearly as well as the person
who can deliver the goods. T D F
TRAIT V (Stability)
Below is a list of the common fears that most people experience
to some extent. Indicate your degree of fear for each of these
things by drawing a circle around _M_ if you would usually have
considerable fear, around _S_ if you would usually have some
fear, around _L_ if you would have a little fear, and around
_N_ if you would usually feel no fear.
1. Being buried alive. M S L N
2. Being bitten by a snake while walking alone in the woods. M S L N
3. Being drowned at sea or while swimming. M S L N
4. Friends losing confidence in you because of untrue rumors. M S L N
5. Walking past graveyards alone late at night. M S L N
6. Having friends learn about your worst faults. M S L N
7. Touching mice, rats, worms, or lizards. M S L N
8. Losing your wife or sweetheart to somebody else. M S L N
9. Getting too deeply in debt or having financial misfortune. M S L N
10. Looking down from the edge of a precipice. M S L N
11. Being punished in the next world. M S L N
12. Elevator falling while descending from the top of a
skyscraper. M S L N
13. Losing your mind or becoming insane. M S L N
14. Losing your eyesight. M S L N
15. Listening to radio horror story late at night while
alone. M S L N
TRAIT VI (Standards and Ideals)
Indicate the degree of your dislike for each of the following
activities or things by drawing a circle around _M_ if you
would dislike it a great deal, around _S_ if you would
dislike it some, around _L_ if you would have a little
dislike for it, and around _N_ if you would have no dislike
for it.
1. A person who brags about his achievements. M S L N
2. Individuals who always put the blame on somebody else. M S L N
3. Storekeepers who never make mistakes except in
their favor. M S L N
4. Extreme pessimists or people who always expect the
worst. M S L N
5. A girl who is a gold-digger. M S L N
6. The person who “forgets” to pay his share of the check. M S L N
7. People who are never on time for appointments. M S L N
8. People who have little control over their tempers. M S L N
9. The girl who uses excessive make-up. M S L N
10. People who cheat on examinations. M S L N
11. Individuals who are careless and indifferent about
dress. M S L N
12. Radicals or reactionaries who impose their views upon
you. M S L N
13. Individuals who are always bored and never have a good
time. M S L N
14. A person who gambles for money. M S L N
15. Listening to scandalous gossip. M S L N
TRAIT VII (Steadiness)
Each word in capitals is followed by four words. Draw a
circle around the word that seems to you to go most naturally
with the word in capitals. Mark only one word in each line.
-------
For example: TRAVEL boat ship train | car |
-------
Here _car_ has been encircled. There are no right or wrong
answers. Work rapidly.
1. PAST yesterday forget sorrow hidden
2. SLEEP rest dream need together
3. IMMORAL vulgar person vile criminal
4. DREAM vision night trance romance
5. LOVE adore esteem worship yearn
6. BABY home future unwanted cost
7. LONELY solitary friendless miserable forsaken
8. DEBT obligation weight necessary nightmare
9. SWEETHEART love engaged wistful lost
10. MONEY currency pay lack urgent
11. ENEMY foe hated dangerous destroyed
12. FILTHY dirty disgusting mind body
13. PARENT home love depend strict
14. SIN wrong vice guilt black
15. REVOLTING distasteful repulsive loathsome degrading
TRAIT VIII (Flexibility)
Below is a list of activities or things. If you feel about
the same way toward them now that you did three or four years
ago, draw a circle around _S_. If you have partly changed
your feelings toward them, draw a circle around _P_. If your
feeling now is considerably different from your feeling three
or four years ago, draw a circle around _D_.
1. Pacifism. S P D
2. Labor unions. S P D
3. Less governmental supervision of business. S P D
4. Old-age pensions. S P D
5. Sit-down strikes. S P D
6. Socialization of medicine. S P D
7. Emphasis that colleges place upon activities. S P D
8. The Soviet Union. S P D
9. Distribution of wealth. S P D
10. Capital punishment. S P D
11. Sterilization of the feeble-minded. S P D
12. “Work-or-starve” relief legislation. S P D
13. Need for polls like the Gallup or _Fortune_ polls of
public opinion. S P D
14. Basing taxation on the ability to pay. S P D
15. Preferences for styles of homes. S P D
TRAIT IX (Seriousness)
Below is a list of topics which people consider to some
extent at one time or another. Will you indicate the degree
of thinking you have given each of them during the past
year by drawing a circle around _M_ if you have done much
thinking; around _S_ if you have done some thinking; around
_L_ if you have done a little thinking; and around _N_ if you
have done no thinking.
1. Responsibilities that parents and children should share. M S L N
2. Proper training of children. M S L N
3. Immoral influences of movies on children. M S L N
4. Smoking of cigarettes by girls and women. M S L N
5. Importance of regular saving of part of income. M S L N
6. Use of the atomic bomb in warfare. M S L N
7. Regular attendance of religious services. M S L N
8. The way or place to spend your vacation. M S L N
9. Stricter censorship of books and magazines. M S L N
10. Learning to dance, ski, skate, etc. M S L N
11. Punctuality on a job or regular class attendance. M S L N
12. Getting better grades at school or working for a
promotion. M S L N
13. The cost of living. M S L N
14. Life after death. M S L N
15. Automobile accidents caused by reckless driving. M S L N
TRAIT X (Family Background)
Be absolutely truthful in taking this test; try to be
objective and honest with yourself. Answer _Yes_ or _No_ if
possible; if you can’t decide _Yes_ or _No_, then circle the
question mark.
1. Were your own parents quite happily married? YES ? NO
2. Did you have a happy childhood? YES ? NO
3. Did you have a great deal of love and affection for
your mother? YES ? NO
4. Did you have a great deal of love and affection for
your father? YES ? NO
5. Did you get along well with your mother without any
serious conflict? YES ? NO
6. Did you get along well with your father without any
serious conflict? YES ? NO
7. Was your home discipline firm but not harsh? YES ? NO
8. Was the punishment that you received both mild and
infrequent? YES ? NO
9. Is your present attitude toward sex free from disgust
or aversion? YES ? NO
10. Was at least one of your parents easy to talk to, and
frank, about matters of sex? YES ? NO
11. Were you reared in either the country, a small town,
or the suburbs of a city? YES ? NO
12. Do you go to church three or four times (or more) every
month? YES ? NO
13. Are you regularly employed? YES ? NO
14. Do you have many friends of your own sex? YES ? NO
15. Do you belong to three or more social organizations? YES ? NO
_Directions for Scoring Your Tests_
Do _not_ read these scoring directions until after you have
taken the tests. When you have marked the tests according to the
directions, then you are ready to score them. Because all the
tests are not scored in the same way, be sure you score them
very carefully. After having done so, then turn to the _further_
directions, some of which apply to a man, some of which apply to a
girl.
* * * * *
TEST FOR TRAIT I. For each item that you have marked _M_, give
yourself three points; for each one that you marked _S_, give
yourself two points; for each item that you marked _L_, give
yourself one point. Items marked _N_ are counted zero. Then add
these numbers up for your _total_ score on Trait I. For example,
if you marked four of the fifteen items _M_, that would give you
twelve points; let us say you also marked five items _S_, that
would be five times two points, or ten more points; if you marked
three items _L_, that would be another three points. That would
leave three items that you marked _N_ for which you get no credit.
Your total score on Trait I would then be 12 + 10 + 3 = 25 points.
* * * * *
TEST FOR TRAIT II. For each _A_ you marked, you get two points and
for each _R_ you get one point. Items that you answered _D_ are
counted zero. Add these up for your total score.
* * * * *
TEST ON TRAIT III. The scoring is reversed on this test from that
used for Trait I. On Trait III, _M_ is scored zero, each _S_ gets
credit of one point, each _L_ gets credit of two points, and each
_N_ gets credit of three points.
* * * * *
TEST ON TRAIT IV. You marked the items on this test either, _T_,
_D_, or _F_. Those you marked _T_ are scored zero. For each _D_
answer you get one point, and for each _F_ answer you get two
points.
* * * * *
TEST ON TRAIT V. Each marked _M_ gets zero credit, each _S_ gets
one point, each _L_ gets two points, and each _N_ gets three points.
* * * * *
TEST ON TRAIT VI. Each _M_ gets three points, each _S_ gets two
points, each _L_ gets one point, and _N_ receives no credit.
* * * * *
TEST ON TRAIT VII. This is the test in which four words come after
each word in capitals. The first of the four words gets three
points if circled, the second gets two points, the third word
gets one point, and the last word receives no credit. Take the
word PAST. If you marked it _yesterday_, or the word in the first
column, you get three points; if _forget_ is circled instead you
would get two points. If you marked it _hidden_, you get no credit
for that word. Add all your points for your total score.
* * * * *
TEST ON TRAIT VIII. The items in this test were marked _S_, _P_, or
_D_. Items marked _S_ get no credit. For each item marked _P_, give
yourself one point credit; for each item marked _D_, give yourself
two points credit.
* * * * *
TEST ON TRAIT IX. Each _M_ gets three points; each _S_, two points;
each _L_, one point, each _N_ gets no credit.
* * * * *
TEST ON TRAIT X. In this test you were asked to mark your answers
either _Yes_, _?_, or _No_. For each _Yes_, give yourself ten
points; for each question mark, credit yourself with five points.
You receive no credit for any question that you answered _No_.
If you have followed carefully the directions that have been given
you, you now have ten separate raw scores, one for each of the ten
traits on which you were tested. We are now ready to see what these
scores mean. Using the little outline below, put down your scores.
YOUR RAW SCORE
TRAIT I ________ TRAIT VI ________
TRAIT II ________ TRAIT VII ________
TRAIT III ________ TRAIT VIII ________
TRAIT IV ________ TRAIT IX ________
TRAIT V ________ TRAIT X ________
NOW FIND YOUR ADJUSTED SCORE
If you are a man If you are a woman
TRAIT I ____ (Repeat raw score) ____ (Repeat raw score)
TRAIT II ____ (Repeat raw score) ____ (Repeat raw score)
TRAIT III ____ (Double raw score) ____ (Repeat raw score)
TRAIT IV ____ (Double raw score) ____ (Multiply raw score
by 4)
TRAIT V ____ (Repeat raw score) ____ (Double raw score)
TRAIT VI ____ (Repeat raw score) ____ (Repeat raw score)
TRAIT VII ____ (Double raw score) ____ (Repeat raw score)
TRAIT VIII ____ (Repeat raw score) ____ (Repeat raw score)
TRAIT IX ____ (Repeat raw score) ____ (Double raw score)
TRAIT X ____ (Repeat raw score) ____ (Repeat raw score)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Total Score ____ (add the 10 scores) Total Score ____
Thus, if you were a man you repeated all of your original “raw”
scores except in traits III, IV, and VII where you doubled the raw
score. For example if your raw score on III was twenty-eight your
adjusted score should be fifty-six. Likewise if you were a girl you
repeated your raw scores in all but IV, V, and IX. You quadrupled
the score on IV and doubled each of the other two.
_Interpretation of Your Final Adjusted Scores_
TRAIT I. If your score was thirty or above you would seem to be
a very sociable person, quite fond of the company of others, one
who has very broad interests, and who will probably enjoy talking
things over with your mate. A score of twenty-five is about
average. If your score is twenty or less, you are probably cautious
about making friends, have rather specialized interests, and are
not very talkative unless the topic is quite interesting to you.
It may be wise, if you have a low score, to try to develop more
friends, have more of a social life, and to get out of your shell.
* * * * *
TRAIT II. If your score was fifteen or more you are probably a
conforming person, agreeable and poised. You tend to be coöperative
even though you are positive and firm when your mind is made up. A
score of eleven is average. If your score was eight or less, you
may be bullheaded, domineering, and argumentative. It may be wise,
if you have a low score, to try to remember that the other person
has a right to his own opinion and that you may lose friends and
make enemies unless you act more diplomatically.
* * * * *
TRAIT III. If your score was fifty-six or more if a man, or
twenty-eight or more if a girl, you are probably a tranquil person
who is not easily irritated or annoyed. You rarely “fly off the
handle” or become impatient; this is particularly important if you
are a man. A score of forty-six for a man or twenty-three for a
girl is typical or average. If your score is thirty-six or less if
a man or eighteen or less if a girl, you are probably an irritable
person who is easily annoyed. You may lose your temper too easily
and stay peeved too long. You should make an effort to control
your temper and to think before you speak, especially when you are
annoyed or provoked.
* * * * *
TRAIT IV. If your score is fifty or more if you are a man, or one
hundred or more if you are a girl, you would seem to be a frank,
dependable person who makes few excuses and who tries to face
reality and do a good job. A score of forty for a man and eighty
for a girl are average. If you are a man and have a score of thirty
or less or are a girl and have a score of sixty or less, you tend
to blame your mistakes on others, may shirk your responsibilities,
exaggerate and daydream too much. If your score was low, you should
try to improve, especially if you are a girl for whom this trait
is quite crucial in marriage happiness. Try to be more honest
with yourself and others; be less unreasonable, and stop being
suspicious and resentful of people who do not think and act as you
do.
* * * * *
TRAIT V. If you are a man and have a score of forty or more, or are
a girl and have a score of eighty or more, you would appear to be a
stable person, confident, and responsible. You can work with others
or can work by yourself without getting lonely and depressed. An
average score is thirty for a man or sixty for a woman. If you are
a man and have a score of fifteen or less, or are a girl with a
score of thirty or less, you may be unstable, nervous, and fearful.
You may feel inferior at times and get blue and discouraged. You
need to raise your opinion of yourself. Acquire more social skills,
train yourself to be very good or expert in something like a sport
or a hobby.
* * * * *
TRAIT VI. If your score was thirty or above, you would seem to have
extremely high ideals and standards, especially if you are a man.
While this is generally desirable, don’t permit yourself to become
too intolerant or prejudiced about others. A score of twenty-five
is average. A score of twenty or less is low and may indicate
that you are too broadminded, too flexible and expedient in your
standards and ideals. Watch this because you are not the sort of
person who should let himself go. Keep a firm grip on yourself,
and remember it is easier never to begin a bad habit than it is to
break one.
* * * * *
TRAIT VII. If your score is eighty or more if you are a man, forty
or more if you are a girl, you are probably a very objective person
who thinks like most other people think. You are probably quite
steady, look at things dispassionately, and are neither repressed
nor hypercritical. A score of seventy for a man, or of thirty-five
for a girl is average. A score of sixty or less for a man or of
thirty or less for a girl may indicate that you are temperamental
and emotional. You may, at times, appear peculiar and odd to your
friends. You may be repressed. Associate as much as possible with
others. Don’t be the first to suggest something different or the
last to give in.
* * * * *
TRAIT VIII. If your score is twenty-two or more, you would seem
to be a person whose attitudes and interests are flexible and
adaptable especially if you are in the twenties. If you are in the
thirties or forties a high score is probably less desirable than
an average score. A score of thirteen is average. If your score is
eight or less, you would seem to be a very persistent person whose
attitudes and interests are so fixed and rigid that you may find it
difficult to adjust readily in marriage. Especially would that seem
to be the case if you are in the twenties.
* * * * *
TRAIT IX. If you are a man and your final score is thirty or above;
or if you are a girl whose adjusted (doubled) score is sixty
or more, you would seem to be a thoughtful person who has done
considerable thinking about marriage and its responsibilities.
Particularly does this seem to be true of women. Attitudes toward
marriage would appear to be wholesome and concerned about making
the marriage a success. A score of twenty-four for a man or of
forty-eight for a girl is average. A score of eighteen or less for
a man or of thirty-six or less for a girl is low and suggests that
you may be immature in your thinking and that you have not given
much consideration or thought to the responsibilities of marriage.
* * * * *
TRAIT X. This test measured your family background to see if
you had been reared in the kind of home in which parents and
circumstances were favorable to developing traits and attitudes
essential to happy marriage. If you scored 120 or more, and
remember the higher the score the better, your family background
was conducive to your happiness in marriage. A score of one hundred
is average. If you scored eighty or less, it would seem that your
family background was not one that tended to develop in you the
traits and attitudes necessary for happiness in marriage.
_Summary_
You took a total of ten tests. If you followed the directions, you
have scored them correctly. (If you were a man, you doubled your
scores on Traits III, IV, and VII before you interpreted them.
If you were a girl, you doubled your scores on Traits V and IX
and quadrupled, or multiplied by four, the score you earned on
Trait IV.) After having made these adjustments, you then read the
interpretations and saw how you compared with other people of your
own sex. Perhaps your prospective mate also took the tests and both
of you now know how you stand as individuals.
We hope you and your mate made average to high scores on all of
these tests. But now you want to know if you are the sort of
person, and if your mate is the sort of person, who will be happy
in marriage.
Go back to your final adjusted scores on the ten tests. Add all ten
of these test scores together if you have not already done so to
see what the total is.
If you are a man, and your total is 450 or above you would seem
to be the sort of person who has an excellent chance of finding
happiness in marriage. This is particularly likely to be the case
if you also made high scores on Traits III, IV, VII, and X. If you
made a score of about 350 you would seem to be a person who has
about an average chance of achieving marriage happiness. If you
made a score of 265 or less, you will need to use great care in
selecting your mate and be willing to work very hard at making your
marriage happy.
If you are a girl and if your score is five hundred or more, you
are the kind of person who would seem to have an excellent chance
of being happy in marriage. Especially is this likely to be the
case if you made high scores on Traits IV, V, IX, and X. If you
made a score of about four hundred, your chances would seem to be
about average that you will find happiness in marriage. A score of
three hundred or less is not too favorable to happiness in marriage.
In our next chapter you are going to be able to compare your
testing partner with yourself and see if the two of you would be
likely to be happy (if you married _each other_). So far we have
just tried to find out if you, or if your mate, is likely to be
happy in whatever marriage is entered upon. In this next chapter we
want to find out if you _two_ people are likely to be happy in your
marriage to each other. You will have need for the final (adjusted)
scores on each of the ten tests, as well as your final or total
score you calculated by adding the ten separate scores. With these
scores for both yourself and your mate, plus the answers to several
other questions, you will be able to find out if the two of you are
likely to be happy when you marry each other.
_Chapter XII_
Now, See How You Match as a Couple!
In the last chapter you--and perhaps a testing partner--took ten
tests to determine your individual chances of achieving happiness
in marriage. The tests recorded your rating on nine important
personality traits and on your family background.
Now we will see how well matched you are. It is possible that you
can get a rough idea how well you are matched to an absentee person
without having him take any of the tests in these two chapters.
_Suggestions for procedure in such a case are given at the end of
this chapter._ However, it is much more desirable, if you want a
really accurate picture, to have the other person take the tests
and do the matching with you.
The matching of you two will be based not only on the scores you
made in the ten tests just taken and your total score on the tests,
but also on ten other factors which we have found are important
in predicting marital success. They include such things as age,
education, length of courtship and tendency to quarrel. These
factors together with your test results will present an accurate
over-all picture of your compatibility for marriage, or lack of it.
And incidentally a “matching” of two people is not as important
when both the man and the girl made a _high_ score (above four
hundred) in the ten tests just taken as it is if one made a low
score and the other a high score, or if both made low scores.
First of all let’s pair up your scores on those ten tests in the
last chapter to see what your scores mean on each trait when they
are paired together.
Trait I is a sociability factor. You can see how two people,
one who is sociable and something of a gadabout and the other a
home-body who isn’t sociable, might not be well matched. Both should
be sociable and like to go out and be with people, or both should
be fireside toasters, home-loving souls who enjoy being alone with
each other.
Trait II is a measure of conformity, of agreeableness to others,
and conscientiousness. While it is better for both to score high on
this trait, if one scores low, it is better that the other score
high.
Trait III is a measure of tranquillity or lack of irritability.
While it is better for both to score high, if one scores low, it
is important that the other should score high, or there may be
considerable bickering and angry feelings.
Trait IV is a measure of dependability, frankness, and willingness
to accept responsibility. This trait is of _great importance_ to
happiness of both men and women, and it is especially important
that a girl score high here. Both should score high, but if one
scores low, it is quite important that the other score high.
Trait V is a measure of stability. Our research shows that it is
of the greatest importance that the two people make about the same
scores on this test. While it is better for both to be high, it is
more crucial that the girl make a high score, be very stable, than
it is for the man.
Trait VI is a measure of standards and ideals. Both should have
high scores but it is more important that the man have a good score
than the girl because girls have been trained to have higher ideals
than men. If one mate has a very low score, then the other by all
means should have a high score. That combination will provide a
balance wheel.
Trait VII is a measure of steadiness and freedom from excess
emotionality. While more important that the man score high, because
in most cases he will be the income earner, both should make about
the same scores.
Trait VIII is a measure of flexibility and adaptability. While
average to high scores are important, and while agreement or about
the same scores are desirable, if one must score low it is better
for the man to do so than for the woman.
Trait IX is a measure of thoughtfulness and consideration. This
is a much more important trait for women than for men, yet at the
same time, marriage happiness is definitely promoted by both making
about the same scores.
Trait X is important for either the man or the woman, because it
measures the family background of both people. It is important
that both score as high as possible on this trait. It is even more
important for the girl to score high than it is for the man. But if
either mate should score low, it is most important that the other
score high.
To sum up, it is important that both people make about the same
scores on sociability (I), conformity (II), dependability (IV),
stability (V) idealism (VI), flexibility (VIII) and seriousness
(IX), and the higher the better. If one scored low on the other
three (tranquillity, steadiness and family background) it is
important that the other score high.
But how can you get a more detailed, concrete picture of your
compatibility, or lack of it? On the following pages you are
going to see your degree of compatibility emerge from a series of
twenty-one figures. When those twenty-one figures are totaled you
will have your answer.
_Instructions_
First glance over these “Do You Match?” tables on the next few
pages to familiarize yourself with them. In the twenty-one blocks
you will match yourselves on the ten traits already tested, you
will match your _total_ scores on those traits and then in the last
ten will match yourself on ten other factors.
Take the very first item, “Test I.” This matches you on sociability.
Suppose the man had an adjusted score of twenty-seven when he took
the sociability test in the last chapter and the girl had a score of
twenty-four. Look over the five alternative combinations to see where
such a scoring fits. It fits in combination (d) so you should write
a credit of three points in the block on the right. On “Test II,”
suppose the man made an adjusted score of eighteen and the girl of
seven. That’s a big difference. Since no such combination is shown,
write a zero in the block.
DO YOU MATCH?
TEST I. a. Both scored 30 or above, give credit of 10 points
b. One scored 30 or above, other scored 25-29, credit
5 points
c. Both scored 25-29, credit 5 points
d. One scored 25-29, other scored 21-24, credit 3 ___
points | |
e. Any other combination receives no credit |___|
TEST II. a. Both scored 15 or above, give credit of 8 points
b. One scored 15 or above, other scored 11-14, credit
4 points ___
c. Both scored 11-14, credit 2 points | |
d. Any other combination receives no credit |___|
TEST III. a. Man scored 56 or above, girl 28 or above, credit
12 points
b. Man scored 56 or above, girl 23-27, credit 10
points
c. Man scored 46-55, girl 23 or above, credit 8
points
d. Man scored 37-45, girl scored 23 or above, credit ___
5 points | |
e. Any other combination receives no credit |___|
TEST IV. a. Man scored 50 or above, girl 100 or above, credit
20 points
b. Girl scored 100 or above, man scored 40-49, credit
15 points
c. Girl scored 100 or above, man scored 31-39, credit
10 points
d. Man scored 40-49, girl scored 81-99, credit 8
points
e. Man scored 31-39, girl scored 81-99, credit 5 ___
points | |
f. Any other combination receives no credit |___|
TEST V. a. Man scored 40 or above, girl 80 or above, credit
15 points
b. Man scored 31-39, girl 80 or above, credit 12
points
c. Man scored 21-29, girl 80 or above, credit 10
points
d. Man scored 40 or above, girl 60-79, credit 8
points ___
e. Man scored 31-39, girl 60-79, credit 5 points | |
f. Any other combination receives no credit |___|
TEST VI. a. Both scored 30 or above, give credit of 10
points
b. One scored 30 or above, other scored 25-29,
credit 5 points
c. Both scored 25-29, credit 5 points
d. One scored 25-29, other scored 21-24, credit 3 ___
points | |
e. Any other combination receives no credit |___|
TEST VII. a. Man scored 80 or above, girl 40 or above,
credit 12 points
b. Man scored 80 or above, girl 35-39, credit 10
points
c. Man scored 71-79, girl 40 or above, credit 8
points
d. Man scored 71-79, girl 35-39, credit 5 points
e. Man scored 61-69, girl 40 or above, credit 3 ___
points | |
f. Any other combination receives no credit |___|
TEST VIII. a. Both scored 22 or above, credit 10 points
b. Man scored 22 or above, girl 13-21, credit 8
points
c. Man scored 13-21, girl scored 22 or above,
credit 5
points
d. Man scored 13-21, girl scored 13-21, credit 3 ___
points | |
e. Any other combination receives no credit |___|
TEST IX. a. Man scored 30 or above, girl scored 60 or above,
credit 15 points
b. Man scored 24-29, girl scored 60 or above,
credit 12 points
c. Man scored 19-23, girl scored 60 or above,
credit 10 points
d. Man scored 30 or above, girl 48-59, credit 8
points
e. Man scored 24-29, girl scored 48-59, credit 5 ___
points | |
f. Any other combination receives no credit |___|
TEST X. a. Both scores 120 or above, credit 20 points
b. One scores 100-119, other scores 120 or above,
credit 15 points
c. Both score 100-119, credit 10 points
d. One scores 120 or above, other scores 81-90,
credit 8 points
e. One scores 100-119, other scores 80 or less, ___
credit 5 points | |
f. Any other combination receives no credit |___|
TOTAL TEST SCORE
(Total of all ten tests as scored in Chapter XI)
a. Man 460 or above, girl 500 or more, credit 25
points
b. Man 400-459, girl 500 or more, credit 20 points
c. Man 460 or above, girl 425-499, credit 15 points
d. Man 400-459, girl 425-499, credit 10 points ___
e. Man 350-425, girl 400 or above, credit 5 points | |
f. Any other combination receives no credit |___|
Now score your compatibility on the ten additional factors
following and fill the proper credits in the blocks just as you
have been doing. On factors 7, 8 and 9 bear in mind that you cannot
count as a part of your acquaintanceship, courtship or engagement
any period of time of three months or longer when you did not see
each other, as is the case where a man was overseas.
1. PARENTS
a. Both sets of parents happily married, credit 15 points
b. One set of parents happy, other set average, credit 10
points
c. Both sets of parents average in happiness, credit 8
points ___
d. One set happy, other set not happy, credit 5 points | |
e. Any other combination receives no credit |___|
2. SCHOOLING
a. Both members of the couple have had education beyond high
school, credit 10 points
b. Both have completed high school, credit 8 points
c. One has some college, the other has finished high school, ___
5 points | |
d. Any other combination receives no credit |___|
3. RELIGION
a. Both regularly attend the same or similar churches, credit
15 points
b. Both are Jews, Catholics, or Protestants, credit 10 points
c. Although basic religions differ, both have about the same ___
views, credit 5 points | |
d. Any other combination receives no credit |___|
4. PARENTAL APPROVAL
a. Both sets of parents approve this match, credit 12 points
b. One set approves, the other is not opposed, credit 10
points ___
c. One set approves, one set opposes, credit 5 points | |
d. Any other combination receives no credit |___|
5. AGE COMPARISON
a. Both people are within 3 years age of each other, credit
10 points
b. Girl is three or more years older than man, credit 5 ___
points | |
c. Any other combination receives no credit |___|
6. YEARS OF AGE
a. Man is at least 25 years, girl at least 22, credit 10
points
b. Man is at least 23 years, girl at least 20, credit 5
points ___
c. Man 22 years or older, girl at least 19, credit 3 points | |
d. Any other combination receives no credit |___|
7. ACQUAINTANCESHIP
a. Have known each other six years or more, credit 20 points
b. Have known each other 3 but less than 6 years, credit 15
points
c. Have known each other 2 but less than 3 years, credit 10
points
d. Have known each other 1 but less than 2 years, credit 5 ___
points | |
e. Any other combination receives no credit |___|
8. DATING
a. Have been dating and going steady 3 years or more, credit
20 points
b. Have been dating and going steady 2 but less than 3 years,
credit 15 points
c. Have been going steady 1 year but less than 2 years,
credit 10 points
d. Have been going steady 8 months to 1 year, credit 5 ___
points | |
e. Any other combination receives no credit |___|
9. ENGAGEMENT, IF ANY
a. Have been definitely engaged for over 2 years, credit 20
points
b. Have been definitely engaged 18 months to 2 years, credit
15 points
c. Have been definitely engaged 12 months to 18 months,
credit 10 points
d. Have been definitely engaged not less than 6 months, ___
credit 5 points | |
e. If engaged less than 6 months, no credit |___|
10. QUARRELS
a. There have been no quarrels to speak of during courtship,
credit 20 points
b. Any misunderstandings have been quickly settled by mutual
agreement, credit 15 points
c. While there have been conflicts, no one was so serious
that the couple did not see each other regularly, credit
10 points
d. Misunderstandings have been infrequent and have been ___
settled by one or the other giving in, credit 5 points | |
e. Any other answer receives no credit |___|
--------------------------------------------------------------------
___
| |
Total Final Score |___|
Now, you have twenty-one scores and a Total Final Score. Let us see
what this score means.
If the Total Final Score for you two is 250 or above, then you
would seem to be very well matched. Furthermore, it would appear
that you two people should be quite happy in marriage. If there are
no unfavorable factors present such as poor physical health, or
inability to make a living, and if you two people are really deeply
in love, then your marriage should be a happy one.
If the final score is 200 to 249, you would still seem to be
fairly well matched. If there are no unfavorable factors, if both
of you are old enough for marriage, if both of you are determined
to make it work, you should be happier than is the average couple.
If your final score is 150 to 199, the outlook would not seem to be
too favorable. Your marriage might not be as happy as that of the
average couple. Why not wait another six months? Give yourselves
time to see what some of your problems are. Do something active
about them. It may help you to talk things over with a marriage
counselor, or with your minister, or somebody else whom you trust
and who is mature enough to help you analyze the situation.
If your score is 149 or less, then it would seem that you two
people should put off marriage for six months or perhaps a year or
longer. You can be sure there are some factors present that should
make you stop, look, and listen. Perhaps both of you are not well
adjusted as separate personalities, or to each other. Maybe you
are of radically different religions, or your parents are opposed
to your marriage. Perhaps you need to have a much longer period of
courtship or engagement. Whatever the reason, you should talk the
matter over with some person competent to advise you. See a good
marriage counselor or psychologist who specializes in guidance.
Talk things over with your minister, rabbi, or priest. You don’t
want to make a mistake and have an unhappy marriage that might
terminate in separation or divorce.
Of course you can say, and correctly, that you have little or
no responsibility for some of the factors, such as the lack of
happiness in your parents’ marriage. Even though this may be the
case, you have been affected or influenced by the presence or
absence of happiness in your own home.
What are some concrete suggestions that may help you bring about a
happy marriage even though one of you, or the two of you, may not
have made scores typical of young couples who get married and are
happy? These suggestions may be of help to you:
1. If you are introverted (unsociable), you should increase the
number of social skills that you have. Oftentimes we find that our
enjoyment from association with other people is increased greatly
when we learn to do some of the things they do, such as dance,
bowl, swim, etc. Try to be outstanding in something.
2. Acquire a philosophy of life. What are your beliefs and views?
Are you a conservative or a radical in politics, religion, ethics?
Are there some guiding principles in your life? If you aren’t sure,
sit down with yourself and try to figure out what you believe in
and practice. Check it against your own behavior. Do you say one
thing and do another? Are your family and friends rather sure about
what you believe in, or do they have trouble predicting what you
will do next?
3. Is your temper explosive, unruly, and peevish? Why do you
get angry? If it is because you feel inferior, why do you feel
inferior? Can’t you do something about it? Do you honestly try to
control your temper?
4. Are you unstable, fearful, nervous? Why? Is it because you
feel you are unattractive or ignorant, or are you carrying around
feelings of guilt and uneasiness about something you feel ashamed
of? If it is your physical health, see your physician. If it is
your mental health, see a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist.
Develop a trusting confidential relationship with someone,
preferably an older person, with whom you can feel free to unburden
yourself.
5. Are your standards and ideals too low, or too high, when
compared to your behavior? Perhaps you are an intolerant and
prejudiced person who is too narrow-minded and prudish. Are you
critical and gossipy about many of the things your acquaintances
do? Do you know whether you have set your standards impossibly
high; so high that you have a constant feeling of frustration
because you are always falling short?
6. Are you an emotional person, always going off on a tangent,
never able to keep a steady course? Is it because you aren’t in
the work you want to do? Can’t you change jobs? Perhaps you are
confused in your thinking, disturbed about religion, morals, things
that are right or wrong. Have you asked your friends their ideas?
Do you keep busy? Have you talked things over with your pastor?
Is there some serious frustration always hanging over your head?
Why don’t you sit down, take stock of yourself? It is only by an
inventory of ourselves, accompanied by a searching analysis, that
we discover what is wrong and see ways to clear things up.
7. Are you so set in your ways that you cannot see that “circumstances
alter cases?” Do you earnestly try to adapt yourself to people and new
situations or do you expect all the adaptation to come from somebody
else? Perhaps you are smug, never have a new idea. Try reading a
Republican newspaper if you never read anything but a Democratic
paper. Go to a different church. Get out of the rut you are in. Listen
to other people’s ideas for a change. Don’t be so cocksure that you
are always right and the other fellow always wrong.
8. Do you ever sit down and think? Reflect about yourself, your
friends, your activities, your responsibilities? Do you stop
and ask yourself if you are selfish and inconsiderate? Do you
sympathize with others, try to avoid saying things that may hurt
somebody’s feelings? Do you build up people rather than tear down?
Do you go out of your way to help others?
9. If you and your prospective mate are constantly quarreling, have
you stopped asking whose fault it is and started doing your best
to prevent conflicts? Unless you two people settle your problems
by compromise and mutual give-and-take, your marriage future looks
dark.
10. Did you get engaged shortly after you first met? In most real
love, an engagement rarely occurs before the couple have known and
dated each other regularly for at least a year or longer.
11. Are you sure it is love? Could it be just loneliness, a desire
to escape an unpleasant environment? Are you sure it isn’t a
“phantasy ideal?”
12. Why don’t your parents approve this marriage? After all, they
may have something. Look back in the past--weren’t they right many
times then when you thought they were wrong? Unless your friends
warmly approve this marriage, your parents are probably right in
urging you to wait.
13. Do you really know your mate? What makes one a good date
doesn’t usually make one a good mate. Although an hour’s enjoyment
of dancing, going to the movies, etc. may be wonderful pastime, it
may be far from what you need in a mate. Are you sure what you want
in a mate is what you need? Are you sure that what you have found
is what you _need_ in a mate?
14. Last but not least is this prospective mate going to be the
sort of parent you want your children to have?
When you have finished asking yourself these questions, you will
probably have some good ideas what to do if you and your mate
didn’t make a score above average. Take your time. It is easier
to get married than it is to get separated or divorced, and much
easier on one’s disposition in the long run. You want to marry but
we want you to make a good choice and to find in marriage all the
happiness and contentment that it can bring.
_Procedure If You Are Doing the Matching Alone_
Some readers may wish to see how they match with another person but
would prefer to do the matching without consulting him. That can
be done, though of course it will be much less accurate. Use the
“Do You Match?” tables in this chapter, just as couples working
together did. You won’t have much trouble scoring the last ten of
the twenty-one items since they are based on known facts. Your
greatest problem will be in estimating the scores your mate would
make in the ten tests on personality traits. Your estimates will
necessarily be rough approximations; but if you have known this
person for several months you may have a fair idea how he would
answer the various questions in those tests and estimate scores for
him accordingly. Be rigidly honest when you imagine the answers
this person would make. You can double-check your compatibility
with such an absentee person by taking the following short test. It
is a greatly abbreviated check on compatibility.
ARE YOU WELL MATED?
Here is a final check-list on compatibility, primarily for
a person who took the tests in Chapter XI by himself. This
test, which can be taken by either a man or woman, provides
you with a rough gauge for determining whether the person
you are dating might make a good mate for you. If you are a
man, change questions to read “she” instead of “he.”
1. Are you two about equally sociable? That is, are you
both either gadabouts or both stay-at-homes? Yes No
2. Are you both stern-minded, with high ideals, or else
are you both broadminded and practical? Yes No
3. Does he find satisfaction and reward in his work? Yes No
4. Is he over 20, under 40, and not divorced? Yes No
5. Is he regarded by acquaintances as a solidly dependable
person not given to excuse-making and sly lies? Yes No
6. Have you been dating steadily for two years or longer? Yes No
7. Has your dating been relatively free from quarrels? Yes No
8. Do you and your mate have much the same beliefs and
attitudes about religion? Yes No
9. Do both sets of parents favor this marriage? Yes No
10. Did he attend Sunday school regularly until he was at
least 18? Yes No
11. Is he in good physical health? Yes No
12. Do you two have about the same emotional responsiveness
or warmth of passion? Yes No
13. Was he free of conflict with his parents and did they
discipline him firmly but not harshly? Yes No
14. Were his parents happily married? Yes No
15. Is he free of jealousy and suspicion? Yes No
16. Does he have a calm, even temperament, especially if
you are one to fly off the handle quickly? Yes No
17. Do you both have a healthy attitude toward sex? (That
is, are you neither disgusted nor morbidly concerned
with it?) Yes No
18. Is he a temperate person not given to heavy drinking? Yes No
19. Are you two fairly close together somewhere in the
broad middle zone between being timid and reckless? Yes No
20. Do you both think you want children? Yes No
If each had sixteen _yes_ answers or more to the above
questions, then your romance would seem to be on fairly solid
ground. However, after you have taken the test, then go back
and compare the two sets of answers on all the questions. If
each had seventeen _yes_’s or more, and if there was mutual
agreement, that is, if both had the same _yes_ answers to at
least fifteen of the questions, then it would appear that
your marriage is not so mixed that it cannot be made to work.
_Chapter XIII_
Beware of Mixed Marriages
The “Mixed” marriage is any marriage in which great differences
exist between the husband and wife, particularly differences of
culture or religious training. You also have a “mixed” marriage if
there are decided differences of personality, of intelligence, of
education, of age, of race or nationality, of social culture or of
economic status.
Suppose there are great differences. That’s what makes life
interesting, some people say. Differences may be “interesting” but
if they are really fundamental they can form a gulf between the
two mates that will make happiness difficult to achieve. It is
the conviction of the authors--based upon a study of hundreds of
happy and miserable marriages--that the more a man and girl have in
common the more likely they will enjoy being married.
One of the factors that seems to have great importance in making
a marriage work is the congeniality of the two persons. This
congeniality must be built upon the things they have in common.
The more things they have in common and the fewer the differences,
the greater the likelihood of congeniality. And the greater the
ease with which the two can talk over their mutual problems fully,
frankly, and understandingly. The success of a marriage depends
upon the total adjustment the two personalities can make to each
other. Even where couples are highly compatible far-reaching
adjustments must be made. When to the normal differences you add
fundamental differences of background, the sheer problems of
adjustment will add a severe strain to the union.
Suppose the two people do bridge the gulf between themselves.
There will be great differences between their two sets of parents
that may present problems. And there will be the differences
between their two sets of friends. No couple lives completely
alone. Two mates not only take each other for better or worse but
also they must take with them the parents and friends of the other.
Take two cases with which we are familiar. They are typical of the
cases in the files of any marriage counselor. (Their real names, of
course, are not used.)
John is forty-two years old, a Catholic, a Democrat and had a
high school education. His young bride, Margaret, is twenty-four,
has had three years of college at a fashionable finishing school.
She is a Baptist and a Republican. These two people think they
are in love. Perhaps they are. But on the other hand Margaret
was attracted to John chiefly for his “maturity,” his handsome
appearance, the very nice compliments he paid her, and the success
he has made of himself. She likes the idea that he is a self-made
man. (He is the junior partner in a business, and his income is
about six thousand dollars a year.) John is fussy and parsimonious
in his habits and thinks that going to the movies once every
month or two is enough for anybody. He is not very sociable and
would rather stay at home and read some thrilling mystery story
than go out. He lives with his parents and has specified that
Margaret come and live with them as his mother is not in too good
health. Margaret is vivacious, full of life and energy, very much
interested in parties, dancing and sports. She is warmhearted, and
since she was accustomed in her own home to having servants, she
is careless where she puts things. After she finishes dressing her
room looks as though a Kansas cyclone had struck it.
John was attracted to her despite her “odd” ways because she had
given him considerable appreciation for the progress he has made
without much formal education. She is the most attractive girl who
has ever shown an interest in him, and he subconsciously feels that
her social position in the community will be an asset to him in the
success of his business. Despite their present professions of love
it is hard for us to believe these two will find lasting happiness
in marriage. They have too many points of difference.
Jim and Mary, in contrast, are what we could call compatible. Jim
is twenty-eight, a college graduate in business, and is a junior
executive in an office-supply firm. He is a sociable person,
likes the movies, wants to go to an occasional dance and has many
friends among both sexes. Mary also likes to dance, has many
friends, enjoys parties and sports. She was graduated in liberal
arts in college but in addition took a secretarial course. He is
a Methodist, she a Presbyterian. He is an independent in politics
though reared in a Republican home. Although Mary has voted
the Republican ticket she tends to be something of a liberal,
politically. They became acquainted in their senior year at college
and now both are working at the same firm. If they go through with
their marriage we predict they will find a great deal of happiness
in it. They have so many things in common.
In the last few chapters we have already pointed out how crucial it
is for a couple to have compatible personality traits. Studies have
shown that unhappy couples frequently disagree on their friends,
matters of recreation, the way they demonstrate affection, the way
children should be reared and other things that are a vital part of
marriage. The research of the Marriage Counseling Service at Penn
State has shown that the couples who disagree most are the couples
whose personalities are least alike. Take the great difference of
ideals in the case of the son of the traveling salesman who is
rushing the daughter of a clergyman. She is almost spiritual in
her ideals and at home learned to restrain all manifestations of
affection. The young man is handsome and dashing, a fast talker
and a social butterfly. He likes to tell dirty stories and to get
drunk. It is unlikely that their romance will progress far enough
to contemplate marriage, but if they should get married, the
radical differences in traits will produce a great unhappiness.
What are the other factors besides personality traits that can
produce mixed marriages? Here are the main mixtures to watch out
for.
* * * * *
ARE THERE FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES OF RELIGION? If the couple are of
different religious beliefs their philosophies of life may be so
deeply different that they may be liable to constant friction.
One German study showed that the fewest divorces were in marriages
between Jews and that the largest number of divorces occurred when
a Catholic married a non-Catholic. In Maryland, twelve thousand
young people were asked the religious affiliations of their parents
and also asked if their parents were living together, divorced or
separated. Here were the percentage of broken marriages found in
different groupings:
When both parents Jewish 4.6%
When both parents Catholic 6.4%
When both parents Protestant 6.8%
When religions mixed 15.2%
In other words, a mixed marriage is two or three times more
likely to end in unhappiness than when the marriage is not mixed
religiously!
And in inter-marrying some combinations seem to be more explosive
than others. Below are three possible combinations in descending
order, with the bottom combination least likely of all to produce a
happy marriage.
Protestant to Jew
Protestant to Catholic
Jew to Catholic
Catholics have the greatest difficulties in inter-marriages presumably
because their church takes a sterner view of inter-marriage than do
the other churches. Another factor may be that they are taught not to
use birth control devices (though family spacing through “rhythm” is
condoned).
Suppose that a Catholic and Protestant do marry. There are
thousands of couples who have achieved happiness in spite of
religious differences. You can achieve it, perhaps, but both of you
should face the problems involved in such an inter-marriage before,
not after, the wedding. If possible one should agree to embrace
the religion of the other. You should also definitely agree on the
church in which the children are to be reared. You should even
discuss the size of the family desired because that may become a
point of difference. If both refuse to budge from their religion
they must face the likelihood of disharmony developing after
marriage, particularly as children come along and decisions must be
made about their religious training. Religious inter-marriages are
particularly difficult when one or both are deeply religious and
feel very strongly about holding to their particular faith.
* * * * *
ARE THERE SIGNIFICANT DIFFERENCES OF INTELLIGENCE? A wife can be
somewhat less intelligent than her husband and they can still be
happy, but almost any other variations in intelligence are apt to
produce problems, especially if the differences are pronounced.
Studies have shown that husbands and wives usually are much more
alike in intelligence than in physical characteristics. People in
general tend to select mates whose mental ability is about the
same as their own. When two people of vastly different mental
equipment marry, the less-endowed mate is apt to develop very
strong feelings of inferiority, and the two may find it very hard
to select interests and activities to share. The more intelligent
one unconsciously may develop a superior attitude that may be
patronizing or impatient.
Another thing they are bound to disagree on is how to spend their
leisure time, the kind of friends that they will have, the social
ethics they will have, and in fact their whole philosophies of
life. The brighter mate reads serious magazines, listens to
symphonies and forums, reads little or no light fiction. The less
intelligent mate is interested in the spectacular radio programs,
reads the more frothy magazines, has few deep intellectual
interests. It is the glamorous, exciting things that appeal. Also
they do not share ambitions. Two such people cannot talk over with
each other their hopes and ambitions, their frustrations. There is
no sharing. One feels aloof from the other.
* * * * *
ARE THERE FOUR OR MORE YEARS DIFFERENCE IN FORMAL EDUCATION? There
can be wide differences in schooling but only as long as the
two people’s interests and attitudes are about the same. And in
these days of wide reading, radio information, night schools and
correspondence courses, two people may differ greatly in formal
education but differ little in their informal education.
However, it does appear to be a fact that the happiest marriages
seem to be those in which the two people met each other on a
school campus, took similar curricula, lived in the same academic
background.
* * * * *
ARE THERE WIDE DIFFERENCES IN YOUR ECONOMIC BACKGROUND? This is
closely related to the social differences. Mothers have encouraged
wide differences in economic background by teaching their daughters
to marry “up” the economic scale. They are urged to make “good
catches.” It is only human for a mother to wish that her daughter
will not have to scrimp as she has had to in her marriage. It also
enhances a family’s social prestige if a daughter can marry “up.”
However when there are wide differences in the incomes of the two
sets of parents, those differences are accompanied by differences
in social background which are often hard to reconcile. Added to
this is the factor of acceptance that invariably arises when either
a girl or man marries way above his own economic level. The parents
and friends of the wealthy mate often assume that the other married
for money. That may produce serious tension and create a lasting
in-law problem.
* * * * *
IS THERE A WIDE DIFFERENCE IN AGE? One study has shown that the
least happy marriages are those in which the husband is six to
eight years older than the wife. Perhaps it is not the difference
in age itself so much as the fact that people that far apart in
age will be unlike in other respects which creates the strain on
marriage.
The happiest marriages _for wives_ seem to range from one extreme
where the wife is four years older than the husband to the other
extreme where the wife is four years younger than the husband.
The happiest marriages _for husbands_ seem to be those in which
the husband is from one year older than the wife to where the
husband is four years older than the wife. When all the evidence is
analyzed it would seem that the happiest marriages _for everybody
concerned_ are those marriages in which the husband and wife are
within one to two years of each other.
* * * * *
ARE THERE DIFFERENCES IN YOUR SOCIAL CULTURE? Here is a girl who
has been reared in the South. She was taught to be a lady, to be
waited upon, not to work because she would have servants. Here is a
man brought up in Nebraska, reared in a home where his own mother
was hardworking, not only did the housework but occasionally helped
milk the cows and helped do other chores for her farmer husband.
With the Southern girl there has been a tremendous emphasis upon
“family,” on social prestige, on doing certain things in certain
precise ways. In the case of the Nebraska man, little of this
formality has been present. Instead the emphasis has been upon
hard work, upon thriftiness, upon a wife sharing heavily the
responsibilities of earning a living. Two such widely differing
philosophies are likely to produce grief in marriage. The war, with
its tremendous shifts of population, produced a great many of these
interregional marriages. They are certainly not doomed but the
couples should face frankly the problems involved in a mixing of
cultures.
* * * * *
Those, briefly, are the main types of mixed marriages. You should
enter into them carefully, if at all. In any case where there
are serious differences of background, the couple should compare
themselves carefully, see just what the differences are, be
realistic about those differences, ferret out the special problems
that those differences will create (as in the rearing of children),
agree on ways to attack the problems and solve them. Only then is
there hope that the marriage can be a success. The difficulty is
that couples tend to gloss over differences that exist. They refuse
to identify them, to admit their existence. They put off facing
them. Then later in marriage the problems can no longer be avoided
and by then they have become so acute that reconciliation becomes
very difficult.
For example, if a Catholic wants to marry a Protestant, it is far
better for the couple to see the problems that will exist from
such a mixed marriage before they are married than after they are
married.
_Chapter XIV_
Nine Dangerous Characters
There are some prospective mates who will survive all the tests we
have given you thus far and in fact look like ideal partners, and
yet will bring you grief every time in marriage.
In studying marriage failures it has been found that again and
again certain types of mates make a marriage seem intolerable.
We’ll introduce you to nine of the worst troublemakers. They are
hard to detect, but usually you can spot them if you have had
several months really to know them before you commit yourself to
marriage.
* * * * *
THE JEALOUS MATE. Perhaps a man becomes excessively jealous because
his young wife is attractive to other men or because she has been
accustomed to traveling with a more sophisticated crowd than he
has. On the other side perhaps the wife--with little cause--becomes
insanely jealous of her husband’s secretary.
We know from investigation that jealousy causes at least one out of
every five quarrels that occur between American husbands and wives.
And furthermore, in divorce cases jealousy turns up as a factor
in almost half of all divorces. That is not hard to understand
because a jealous person inevitably becomes a difficult person to
live with. He or she is usually suspicious, quick-tempered and
disagreeable. It is hard to love a person who is jealous of you.
You lose your respect for him, and you can’t be natural with him.
When you do try to be natural he will set you on your guard by some
snippish and unprovoked remark and will question you awkwardly at
length to check on your movements. Frequently he will fly into
temper outbursts or sink into black moods.
Psychologically jealousy is a feeling of frustration, which in turn
produces anger and dejection. The person is frustrated because he
fears he is losing the love of the mate or fears that the mate is
being unfaithful.
Jealousy may be real or imaginary. Evidence uncovered at the Penn
State clinic would indicate that frequently it is the latter. In
real jealousy the mate knows, or suspects correctly, that the other
person is flirting or acting in a questionable manner. In imaginary
jealousy the jealous person is that way simply because he lacks
confidence in himself. He would probably be jealous of anyone he
married, because he has strong feelings of inferiority and is
usually unstable emotionally.
Any prospective mate who is habitually in such a mental stew
without real cause would make an extremely poor husband or wife.
* * * * *
THE MATE WHO WANTS TO IMPROVE YOU. There is sound psychology behind
the thought in the marriage ceremony that you take your spouse “for
better or for worse.” At the wedding each mate should be accepted
for what he is with no reservations for the future.
Marriage is a partnership in the true sense and if one partner
takes it upon himself to teach or improve the other, that
relationship is sorely disturbed. One starts feeling superior and
the other either inferior or indignant or both.
It is terribly easy for some new husbands and wives--after the
glamour has worn off--to see flaws in their mates that should be
corrected immediately. Their intentions may be kindly but soon they
are continually criticizing and imploring the mate to change his or
her ways.
A constant urge to improve a mate is closely akin to nagging. In
fact nagging means oral pressure, and when applied to a spouse it
invariably produces discord. The nagger in marriage is one of the
major troublemakers.
If the attempts to improve a mate are made in public--as they
frequently are--the affronts then clearly become intolerable.
Nothing produces greater resentment. Even if the aggrieved partner
can absorb such criticism without slashing back he will seethe
inwardly and seek revenge for such an assault on his dignity.
Let’s look at the “improver.” It has been found that such a person
is rarely the happily adjusted, emotionally mature person. Rather
he could stand some self-improvement himself. Usually he is trying
to improve the other either because of his own underlying feeling
of inferiority, or because it gives him a mean, petty advantage
over the other.
If after reading the above you still feel that your own mate or
prospective mate has faults that could well be improved, why don’t
you try one of these tacks?
First, remember that if you maintain high standards yourself your
mate will gradually rise to them. Set a good example. Couples grow
more alike every day they are married.
If you are anxious to have immediate results, use indirect rather
than direct suggestions. A wife, for example, might say to her
husband that she appreciates the fact that he has been more
considerate of her during the past few days. This may be hokum. But
even though he has not been any more considerate, the compliment
will encourage him to be more considerate in the future.
Or suppose that a man thinks his fiancée shows appalling taste
in her clothes. A frontal criticism would wound and probably
infuriate her. But if he starts out by complimenting her on the
few presentable things she wears, he can use them as springboards
for getting across to her the kind of clothes she should wear to
make herself most appealing to him. Few women can resist such
suggestions.
* * * * *
THE “NERVOUS” MATE. Many wives neglect their husbands, and many
husbands quarrel with their wives, because they are emotionally
insecure. They are at loose ends with themselves. In scientific
language, they are maladjusted or neurotic.
Marriage in itself rarely cures an emotionally unstable person.
In fact it may aggravate his trouble by adding new frustrations.
A person who is unstable before marriage is apt to find that the
increased responsibilities and decreased liberty under marriage
impose new burdens. His frustrations become aggravated.
Every marriage counselor knows from experience that unhappily
married couples usually present difficulties that can be traced to
the emotional maladjustment of one or both of the mates. Perhaps
the husband flies into a rage if supper is late or if his pipe rack
has been moved. But any psychologist knows such tantrums are merely
symptoms, symptoms of the man’s basic maladjustment to life. They
will appear when he meets any sort of frustration.
If the wife is careful to have supper on time and keep the pipe
rack in the same place the eruptions will appear somewhere else.
They will appear, that is, unless the husband can get hold of
himself and grow up emotionally. This may require help from an
experienced psychologist who can get at the roots of the man’s
difficulties.
Here are some other thoughts for easing a situation where one or
both of the couple are high-strung.
When either mate is upset the other should make it easy for him
to talk his troubles out. Talking things over dispassionately is
a wonderful way to ease tensions. Psychologists now realize its
importance and refer to it as mutual psychotherapy.
Sometimes the tensions are produced by physical and mental fatigue.
Perhaps one or both mates are working too hard and relaxing too
little. If so they should try to modify their routines to get in
more rest, sleep and relaxation.
* * * * *
THE FINANCIAL CRITIC. Money is not the root of all evil, but it
certainly is at the root of a lot of marriage unhappiness. All
studies that have been made concerning the reasons why married
couples quarrel agree that financial arrangements cause more
friction than any other one phase of marriage. For example, couples
quarrel five times as much over money as they do over the rearing
of children, which is a well-known troublemaker. One half of all
divorced couples say that financial problems were a part of their
difficulties.
Unless the couple is really poor, the lack of money doesn’t cause
the troubles as much as bad management of it. The average couple
should be comforted to know that too much money causes trouble
almost as much as too little money.
A girl considering marriage with a man who has an irregular or
uncertain income should face frankly the fact that the situation
may become the source of bitter quarreling if the two aren’t
careful. Regularity of income and job security seem to be more
important than the size of the income. Couples who save money are
happier than those who don’t, other things being equal.
Both girls and men selecting a future mate should be wary of
people who are disorganized in their personal lives or are prone
to carping. Those two types of people are most apt to inspire or
provoke quarrels over money.
The main grievance of wives financially is that their husbands
are too tight and the main complaints of husbands are that their
wives are too extravagant or too chaotic in their budget-keeping.
Husbands, interestingly, complain much more about the extravagance
of their wives than wives complain about extravagance of husbands.
* * * * *
THE ALIBI ARTIST. Beware of the excuse-maker. Alibi-making is not
mentally healthy. In fact it is one of the early signs of emotional
confusion and mental deterioration. If a man or girl sees in
the other during courtship indications that excuse-making is an
ingrained habit, he would do well to break off the courtship and
seek a mate elsewhere.
That may sound like a harsh way to deal with the purveyor of
“little white lies” and excuses but it has been clearly established
that such a person is a very bad marriage risk. The individual
usually excuses his own lack of accomplishment or ability by
projecting the blame for his failures on other people. Bit by bit
this projection becomes devastating.
Continued excuse-making gradually brings the individual closer and
closer to the gulf that divides the real from the imaginary, the
sane from the insane. In its most pronounced form it is paranoia, a
type of insanity.
The alibi artist has little respect for the truth, cannot be
predicted, evades his obligations and is generally not dependable.
The test designed to measure this tendency to alibi, which
psychologists call “tendency to rationalize,” has already been
discussed. The victim rationalizes or excuses his own conduct.
The amazing thing is that this one test is an extremely accurate
device to predict, by itself, marriage happiness or failure.
Investigations have established that persons obtaining low scores
in that one test have consistently proved to be unsatisfactory
mates in marriage.
No husband ever gets conditioned to excuses for the lateness of
meals, the unmade beds, the buttons that have not been sewn on. He
doesn’t resent the inconveniences as much as he resents the wife’s
constant excuses for failure to show some improvement.
* * * * *
THE ESCAPIST. The escapist is a close relative of the alibier,
but somewhat more honest. He finds himself unable to cope with
his everyday problem of living in a modern world so he turns and
flees from them. This flight may be physical. That is, he may
become a hermit or may go into the armed forces where he can shed
all responsibilities for directing his own life. But more often
nowadays the flight is into a dream world, via narcotics or alcohol.
Heavy drinking is steadily becoming more serious. Many distillers
are even urging moderation in their advertisements. It is not
merely on a moral basis that marriage counselors will warn you to
shun the heavy drinker. As a husband or wife he’s a hard person to
live with. And marriage rarely cures dipsomania or any other mania.
So don’t think you can cure a fiancé or fiancée who habitually
tipples.
The causes of drunkenness are not too well known but one thing
is sure: the habitual use of alcohol is just a symptom of the
person’s basic maladjustment to life, and not the cause of the
maladjustment. In alcohol he forgets his problems, or imagines that
he has found brilliant solutions for them.
The person who drinks excessively is always a psychological problem
and an amateur cannot hope to be too successful in tackling it.
Even a sanatorium cure brings only temporary relief unless the
basic conflicts that impelled him to drink are resolved. Usually
very careful counseling of the alcoholic is necessary to uncover
his troubles and help him work out a solution for them.
* * * * *
THE DISORDERLY MATE. To be successful in marriage or almost
anything else in life, a person must keep his affairs in a fair
degree of order. You should be wary if you find that a person you
are considering for marriage is sloppy in his or her appearance or
affairs.
If a girl’s apartment looks like an unmade bed, you can consider
that a fairly accurate forecast of how she would manage your home.
Or if a man is habitually late for dates or shows up without a
tie or with unshined shoes, you can be sure he would be even more
sloppy and inconsiderate as a husband.
Neatness, of course, can be overdone. One wife we know objects to
her husband sitting in certain chairs until he has changed his
clothes. Another will not permit her husband to enter the living
room--which she prizes--until he takes off his shoes, unless there
are guests.
Some people are fastidious about the way they dress and yet are
disorderly in organizing their lives. Others are the other way
around. But when disorderliness becomes general an intolerable
strain is imposed on a marriage.
* * * * *
THE MATE WITH CLINGING RELATIVES. Statistically, in-laws cause
about as much marriage woe as drinking. Many a promising marriage
has been marred by them.
In the past six months, more than ten per cent of the troubled
married couples consulting the Penn State Marriage Counseling
Service had problems aggravated or initiated by their in-laws. We
read recently a letter from a young wife who bewailed the fact that
her husband’s mother insisted on going along with them on their
honeymoon. She had told her son she needed a vacation and would
like to go with them. Without consulting the bride he agreed. The
bride lamented:
“I spent far more time alone with my mother-in-law than I did with
my bridegroom!”
Living with in-laws at any time creates a hazard for most couples
and should be avoided if possible, but it is particularly
irritating during the first few months of marriage. Those months
are crucial because of the adjustments the two people are making.
It is then that they get fully acquainted, adapt their habits, work
out compromises.
Any person contemplating marriage shows lack of foresight if he
fails to consider the attachments his prospective mate may have to
close relatives, or if he fails to weigh the chances that these
relatives will ever live with the couple, and the outcome if they
do.
One little-known aspect of this is that some in-laws in a couple’s
home cause more trouble than others. The husband’s mother, for
example, is apt to produce more difficulties than the wife’s mother
because it is the wife who must spend the most time with the woman.
The husband’s mother often becomes a rival of the wife for the
husband’s attentions and--as the husband’s own mother--may become
head of the household.
Likewise a wife’s father in the household presents more difficulties
than the husband’s father.
It is not necessarily fatal to live with in-laws. In fact the
hazards are relatively small if the man and wife are both grown up
emotionally and very happily married.
If you do find yourself eventually living with an in-law in the
home, remember most of all to keep all financial arrangements
clear-cut, and abide by them even more scrupulously than you would
if they involved total strangers. Further, don’t borrow money from
them.
* * * * *
THE FLIRT. Whether male or female, the person with the roving,
aggressive eye is a poor prospect for marriage. The flirt is
a poor prospect because he is basically a shallow, conceited,
inconsiderate person, incapable of genuine love.
He will prove a difficult, unsatisfying person to live with as a
marriage partner, because the wedding ceremony will not change his
fundamental characteristics. You will have trouble establishing
a give-and-take relationship with him. Then, when the glamour
of the wedding wears off and the normal difficulties of marriage
adjustment confront him, he will find this humdrum and start
recalling his premarital conquests. Soon he may be flirting again
and you may find yourself with a triangle on your hands. Triangles
are responsible directly or indirectly for at least a fourth of all
divorces.
ARE YOU TOO JEALOUS?
Every person is a little jealous of his or her mate. But
there is a point where the jealousy becomes excessive--and
dangerous. Whether real or imaginary, the jealousy puts you
in such a dark mood that anything you do may harm rather than
improve the relationship.
1. Do you feel this potential mate of yours neglects you? Yes No
2. Do you want and need considerable attention and praise? Yes No
3. Does he turn and look at other girls (or does she seem
to relish the attention of other men)? Yes No
4. Do you ever try to “get even?” Yes No
5. Is your temper easily aroused? Yes No
6. Does it upset you to have somebody disagree with you
in public? Yes No
7. Do you keep close tabs on him (or her) when both of
you are at a party? Yes No
8. Do you feel envious of certain other persons of your
own sex that you know? Yes No
9. Do you ever quarrel with this person after returning
from a party? Yes No
10. Has he, or she, learned _not_ to praise other people of
your own sex in front of you? Yes No
11. Do you like to listen to gossip? Yes No
12. Do you sometime feel alone when in a crowd? Yes No
13. Do you want this person to wait on you a good deal? Yes No
14. Do you think most people of the opposite sex will bear
watching? Yes No
15. When this mate is late do you want an explanation? Yes No
16. Do you ever have it out with a person who says untrue
things about you? Yes No
17. Would you be considered a “possessive” person? Yes No
18. Have you ever suspected that some friend’s mate was
misbehaving and have contrived to let the friend know
about it? Yes No
If you answered fourteen or more of these with _yes_ you are
a victim of extreme and unhealthy jealousy. If however you
answered less than four with _yes_ you apparently don’t even
love the person.
_Chapter XV_
People Who Should Not Marry at All
Every time the Marriage Counseling Service at Penn State has
offered its course on the preparation for marriage, the class has
been asked to list the qualifications they think a person has to
have before he should undertake marriage.
It was interesting to note that the girls in the class consistently
voted for higher qualifications than the men. We have averaged the
responses of the many hundreds of students and present below those
qualifications mentioned by at least fifty per cent of the students:
PERCENTAGE
QUALIFICATIONS FOR MARRIAGE VOTING FOR THEM
Freedom from venereal disease 100%
Freedom from feeble-mindedness 99%
(If sterilized, 24% would permit marriage)
Freedom from insanity 97%
Freedom from criminality 94%
Freedom from dipsomania 91%
Freedom from drug addiction 85%
Freedom from neuroticism 76%
Proof by groom that he can support bride 69%
(This includes evidence of occupational
proficiency and at least $150 in savings)
Record of no more than one divorce, if any 50%
Other qualifications suggested but receiving less than forty-five
per cent of the votes were freedom from tuberculosis, cancer,
epilepsy and fatal heart disease, freedom from sterility and from
inherited physical defects. About ninety-seven per cent of the
students thought that both men and women should have premarital
physical exams that would determine freedom from venereal disease.
We feel that there is a great deal of merit to the qualifications
raised by the students. With those as a starting point we have
prepared nine questions which you should ask yourself--and be able
to answer _yes_. They are _minimum_ qualifications for marriage.
We feel you should have serious doubts about the advisability of
marrying another person if you answer _no_ to even one of the
questions. Here they are:
* * * * *
IS YOUR MATE SANE AND FROM A FAMILY IN WHICH NO INSANITY IS
PRESENT? Except in pronounced forms, psychoses are not easily
diagnosed. The borderline between sanity and insanity is no more
distinct than is the line between black and white. All shades of
gray exist. Many paranoidal persons roam the streets of our country
and in many cases are able to carry the responsibilities of normal
life, at least until they encounter continued frustration which
will bring the insanity into an easily recognizable form. Insanity
is not easily detected unless there is uncontrolled behavior or
pronounced incompetence in obeying normal standards of behavior.
In a recent book issued through the National Committee for Mental
Hygiene there is a statement that one out of twenty-five persons
reaching adulthood should be confined. Another four out of
twenty-five are severely neurotic and another eight are handicapped
by milder neurotic disturbances. On the basis of these findings at
least one person in four is severely maladjusted and at least one
in two is maladjusted to some extent.
If you are concerned about the mental balance of any possible mate,
you might ask yourself these questions:
Has he been confined at some time in a mental institution?
Has he been rejected or released from military service
because of outright mental disturbances?
Does his family have a history of insanity?
Is he free from syphilis?
Has he ever suffered from severe injury damaging the brain?
Do you know if he has shown extreme aberrations on any
psychological tests to measure abnormalities of mental
function?
Has he failed to discharge the responsibilities of life in a
legal, competent, conventional manner?
Has he any record of uncontrollable rages resulting in
injuries to others?
Does his family physician question his sanity?
While it is possible that he might be sane though you answered
_yes_ to some of these questions, the odds are against it. You
should keep in mind however that many boys discharged from this
past war as neuropsychiatric cases are not insane and most of
them will be able to settle down within a few months after their
discharge and earn a livelihood and live a normal life.
* * * * *
IS YOUR MATE LAW-ABIDING, DOES HE HAVE A RECORD FREE OF CRIMINAL
OFFENSES AND ARE HIS PARENTS LIKEWISE LAW-ABIDING? Many employers,
including the federal and state governments, hesitate to employ
a person with a criminal record. The habitual criminal is not
easily cured. Certainly three or more convictions for criminal
offenses should indicate a personality pattern adverse to marriage
happiness. In New York State, four convictions for criminal
offenses automatically result in life imprisonment.
* * * * *
IS YOUR MATE IN FAIRLY GOOD PHYSICAL HEALTH GENERALLY AND FREE FROM
VENEREAL DISEASE? Most of the states have passed laws providing
statutory protection against syphilis. These states contain about
three-fourths of the total population of the country. It is
interesting that about one person in a hundred taking premarriage
blood tests is found infected with syphilis. In these days of the
miracle sulfa drugs and penicillin, cures of venereal disease can
be effected in a matter of weeks. Syphilis is a blighting disease
which, if uncured, will wreck any marriage sooner or later. Anyone
who is in chronic bad health due to other ailments adds a severe
burden to any marriage.
* * * * *
IS YOUR MATE FREE FROM USING DRUGS SUCH AS MORPHINE OR HEROIN OR
MARIJUANA? Addiction to the traditional drugs is not a serious
problem in this country but a great many young people have been
taking to marijuana for quick “jags” under the impression that
such jags are not dangerous. Musicians particularly often use this
drug. But it is a dope just as surely as opium is, its effect can
be just as vicious, and it is used only by persons who are unstable
emotionally and thus poor marriage risks to start with.
* * * * *
IF YOUR MATE DRINKS, IS HE TEMPERATE IN THE USE OF ALCOHOLIC
BEVERAGES? The dipsomaniac is an alcohol addict just as the opium
smoker is a dope addict. He is characterized by an uncontrollable
craving for alcohol. In some people alcohol produces a temporary
feeling of well-being and elation, sometimes called euphoria.
Because it does, people sometimes turn to drinking as an escape
from their unsolved problems. Bit by bit the habit of drinking is
built up. The person who marries a mate who is an excessive or
habitual drinker in the expectation of reforming him is due for
a bitter awakening. Marriage rarely cures drinking or any other
abnormal condition. Expert treatment is needed. In skilled hands
the drunkard is sometimes cured--if he really convinces himself
that he wants to be cured. But the cure is long and arduous and the
proportion of relapses is still great.
* * * * *
IS YOUR MATE INTELLIGENT ENOUGH TO EARN A LIVING AND DISCHARGE
THE RESPONSIBILITIES OF LIFE COMPETENTLY? There is no doubt that
feeble-mindedness is inherited. Individual intelligence tests
usually indicate that any person is feeble-minded who scores
an IQ of seventy or less. (One hundred is average.) Even when
sterilization of a feeble-minded person is performed it still does
not seem reasonable to permit that person to marry since he can
rarely contribute to the success of a marriage and often cannot
earn a living.
* * * * *
IS YOUR MATE FAIRLY STABLE, WELL-ADJUSTED AND ABLE TO GET ALONG
WITH PEOPLE? There are many shades of nervous disorders ranging
from neurosis through psychoneurosis. The neurotic has a minor
nervous disorder. The psychoneurotic has some ailment--without
organic basis--which may involve hysteria, a paralysis or cramps.
Many so-called miracle cures take place with persons who actually
have no physical disabilities but have the disability in their mind.
In July 1945 such a “miracle” cure occurred at a military canteen.
A 20-year-old soldier was walking painfully around on crutches. One
of the junior hostesses asked him half-seriously if he would like
to dance. He stated that he would but that he couldn’t even walk.
She replied that she was a big strong girl who could hold him up.
The soldier laughed, pushed his crutches under the table, stood up
shakily, clung to a chair, then to the hostess. Getting started
was difficult and he stumbled a time or two. Slowly they began to
dance. Amazingly the soldier began having less and less trouble
with his legs. They danced all through the evening and when the
soldier left to take her home he was walking perfectly and left
his crutches as a memento of his cure. As a result of a shrapnel
wound he had become convinced he would never walk again. Under the
stimulation of music, and the eagerness of a young girl to dance,
the soldier forgot his crutches. So it goes with psychoneurotics.
They are convinced that their neck is paralyzed, that they cannot
hear or cannot see. Many such cases show immediate improvement once
the war is over and the frustrations and fears of war lift from
them. But others retain their bodily symptoms of psychological
disturbance throughout their lives.
In this postwar world, marriageable girls will have to be concerned
about the mental disturbances of some ex-service males. They
should be sensible about these defects and realize they are merely
a product of war-imposed frustrations. But they should be sure
that they recognize the defects and are prepared to live with
them. About twenty per cent of all war casualties returned to this
country have been mental cases, and the fighting was so grueling in
some theaters of war, such as the Solomons, that the percentages
of psychological casualties have been known to rise at times to as
high as forty per cent of all casualties.
A neurotic or psychoneurotic needs skillful treatment from a
psychiatrist or clinical psychologist. A girl should hesitate
to marry such a person at least until a medical authority has
pronounced that he is competent to make the adjustments that a
marriage entails and to fill the role of a mate successfully.
* * * * *
IS YOUR MATE A PERSON WHO HAS NOT BEEN DIVORCED FROM TWO PREVIOUS
MARRIAGES? Even a person with one divorce to his credit is a hazard
when he remarries. A person with two divorces should definitely be
shunned, if you hope to achieve a lasting and happy marriage.
Divorce is not inherited, but it does run in families. It is known
that persons whose own parents are divorced are much more likely to
seek divorce than those whose parents were not divorced. Divorce
is marriage bankruptcy, and any person who has failed twice in
marriage is unlikely to succeed in a third. A person with a record
of two divorces should have his right to marry anyone seriously
questioned. A bank would certainly hesitate to lend a man money who
had failed to pay a previous loan, and certainly would refuse a
loan to a person who had gone bankrupt twice before.
The couple that marries in haste frequently divorces in haste. Thus
one reason for many of our wartime divorces. Likewise the couple
that takes plenty of time before marriage rarely has to seek a
divorce, especially if that marriage results in children.
* * * * *
WILL YOU AND YOUR MATE BE ABLE TO SUPPORT YOURSELVES? This
presumably will mean that before undertaking marriage one of the
mates--preferably the man--should demonstrate through a work record
that he is capable of earning a living. Under normal circumstances,
about one wife in six or seven works to supplement the earnings of
her husband. It is probable that not less than one wife in fifty is
the sole support of the family. The best way to demonstrate ability
to earn a living is for one of the mates (again preferably the man)
to demonstrate occupational proficiency by at least one year of
gainful employment.
It is also important that no couple should marry without a cash
reserve after the costs of the wedding. Sickness, possible
pregnancy, the furnishing of an apartment and other factors make
some emergency fund advisable. The Penn State students thought this
saving should amount at least to ten per cent of the estimated
expenses for the first year.
In making sure you are both physically fit for a happy marriage we
recommend that you submit to a premarital physical examination.
In fact some couples like to have two premarital exams, one just
before they become formally engaged, and the second just before
they marry. It seems to us that if physical factors are found which
might seem undesirable to either member of the couple, or to their
families, it would be best that such conditions be discovered
before the formal engagement, to avoid embarrassment. The second
exam would be token just before the marriage because the laws of
many states require that the physical exam be taken within thirty
days of the marriage date.
Whether you plan one or two exams, there should be one thorough
one, far more comprehensive than that required by law. The typical
physician, in order to keep the exam reasonable in price, usually
examines only far enough to find if the couple meet the legal
requirements, which are primarily concerned with freedom from
venereal disease. Here are some things that a comprehensive exam
should cover:
1. Physical defects that may be crippling or later impair the
ability of the individual to earn a living or make a home.
2. The hereditary history of each family should be checked for the
possibility of insanity or feeble-mindedness or other inherited
defects that might be transmitted to offspring even though not too
apparent in the person being examined.
3. Because most couples will want children, the reproductive
apparatus should be examined to see if reproduction is possible
and that the individual is free from defects that would make
conception impossible or childbirth hazardous. (This would mean
pelvic measurements for the female.) The possibility of sterility
or impotence should be checked and any physical factor that might
impair or prevent normal sexual relations should be treated.
4. There should be an investigation of the integrity and normal
functioning of the heart, respiratory apparatus and the central
nervous system.
5. Freedom from venereal disease, both gonorrhea and syphilis,
should be ascertained.
The physical exam gives the physician an unusually good opportunity
to allay any fears regarding sexual adjustment that either person
may have. At the examination just prior to the wedding, the
physician can give the girl instructions in the role of the female
in physical intimacy. There should be an explanation of orgasm, and
if desired, there can be instructions about birth spacing.
Even though some factors may be adverse that does not mean you
should refrain from marrying. It simply means that both of you
go into marriage with your eyes open. Furthermore, most physical
defects can be corrected, often even sterility. Much of the
impotence among young men is caused by psychological rather than
physical factors.
IS THE MATE A NEUROTIC?
And while you are at it you might ask yourself whether you
are too. Answer _yes_ or _no_.
1. Is he or she easily fatigued?
2. Does he or she have many headaches?
3. Does the mate often feel blue?
4. Does he feel unhappy much of the time?
5. Does he frequently seem to feel lonely?
6. Does he often complain that he feels nervous and shaky inside?
7. Does he often seem to feel miserable?
8. Does he seem to find it hard to trust people?
9. Does it bother him to talk to strangers?
10. Are his feelings easily hurt?
11. Does he often have the feeling that the whole world is against
him?
12. Is it apparently difficult for him to keep his mind on what he
is doing?
13. Is he troubled frequently with indigestion or heartburn?
14. Does he say that he sometimes gets so discouraged he feels
like giving up?
15. Does he often feel weak or as though he were going to faint?
16. Does he often have pains in his hip or back?
17. Does he think that people talk about him behind his back?
18. Does he think he has had a great deal of hard luck in his
life?
19. Does he say that people frequently play mean tricks on him?
20. Does he worry about many things?
21. Does he have trouble getting along with people?
22. Does he complain of being frequently troubled with long periods
of insomnia or restless sleep?
23. Does he often appear listless, indifferent or uninterested in
life around him?
24. Is he suspicious of some of his acquaintances or friends?
25. Are his habits of eating or sleeping irregular and peculiar?
An affirmative answer to any one of these questions does not
mean the person is a neurotic by any means. But a pattern
of neuroticism is apparently present in the person if he
answered ten or more with _yes_. He appears to be maladjusted
to life. Ideally every question should be answered _no_. If
you feel you don’t know the person well enough to answer some
of the questions, score only those you are sure of. Then, if
two out of five of your answers are _yes_, it would appear
that the person may be maladjusted. And incidentally, how did
you make out yourself?
_Chapter XVI_
Will a Job Undermine the Marriage?
The Only thought couples usually give to their respective careers
at the time they decide to marry is whether there will be enough
income to support them. Actually, the _type_ of work the groom does
may produce irritations that may ruin the union. Or if the bride
wants to continue her career after marriage, that may cause trouble
if not handled carefully.
Let’s take the problem of the bride first. Should she continue her
career or devote all her energy to managing a home? There is, of
course, no final answer. We know of many married couples who have
worked out excellent relationships while the wife continues her
career. But we also know that such an arrangement is not normal
and that it often produces difficulties because of psychological
factors. It is apt to be a blow to the husband’s sense of mastery
of his own home if the bride decides that he can’t support her
properly on his salary. It deprives the wife of the opportunity to
win the husband’s affection and appreciation for her homemaking
skill. Believe it or not, one very important appeal of marriage to
a man is to have his favorite dishes home-cooked and waiting for
him when he comes home from work. If the wife has a career, the
couple usually ends up eating out or eating warmed-up delicatessen
specials. Finally a career makes it difficult for a wife to bear
and rear children, and children are another of the big values of
marriage that hold couples together.
Homemaking is a definite career, and if there are children, a
full-time career. There is far more to making a home than the
housekeeping end of it. A homemaker is a physician when the
husband or child is sick; she is an interior decorator; she must
be a good cook and dietitian; she must be an expert on clothing
repair; she must be a good teacher and an expert on the psychology
of handling children; she must often be a judge in settling
arguments; she must be an expert purchasing agent because she will
spend at least eighty per cent of the family’s income; she must be
some sort of bookkeeper if she keeps the budget and pays the bills;
she must be a repair man who can replace a fuse, repair an electric
light cord, put oil on a squeaking hinge.
If the average husband gave as mediocre a performance on his job
as many wives do as homemakers he would be fired. Unquestionably
one of the reasons why divorce is on the increase is that careers
and other diversions prevent wives from giving as much attention
and care to the art of homemaking as they once did. Why do married
women work? Here are the main reasons:
--Pure necessity.
--To enable themselves to have more luxurious and extra
comforts than the husband’s income alone could afford.
--Because marriage is not too satisfying to them and they are
bored.
--Because they do not want children.
--Because they want to be independent financially.
--Because they would rather hire somebody to do the housework
than to do it themselves.
--Because they want an independent career.
Virtually all studies made show that the happiest married women
are those who do not work after marriage. In the study by Dr. G.
V. Hamilton, _A Research in Marriage_, only forty-five per cent
of the women working after marriage had a “satisfactory” to “very
satisfactory” marriage compared to some fifty-five per cent of the
women not working after marriage who were happy in marriage.
Once a wife starts working, she may resolve to stop at the end of a
specific period, but by the time the deadline arrives she usually
finds a reason why she should continue a little longer. Frequently
she and her husband have bought things like an automobile that
prevent them from attaining enough stability financially to permit
her to stop working. She continues to work, thereby putting off
having children and perhaps never has them.
But now let’s take up the greater--and less understood--dangers
involved in the types of work the groom does. Many wives today
think they are dissatisfied with their husbands when actually they
are dissatisfied with his working habits or his job.
For example, some jobs carry more social prestige than others. Here
are some twenty-four occupations rated by college students (1940)
on their prestige, with those with the highest prestige at the top
and those with the least prestige at the bottom:
1. Physician 13. Farmer (owner)
2. Clergyman 14. Insurance agent
3. Lawyer 15. Salesman
4. College professor 16. Bookkeeper
5. Manufacturer 17. Machinist
6. Banker 18. Carpenter
7. Artist or author 19. Barber
8. Man of leisure 20. Factory operative
9. Engineer (college trained) 21. Blacksmith
10. Factory superintendent 22. Soldier
11. School teacher 23. Truck driver
12. Storekeeper 24. Ditch digger
Richard O. Lang, as a graduate student at the University of
Chicago, made a study of marriage happiness based upon ratings
made by acquaintances of more than seventeen thousand married
couples. On the basis of his findings here is how fifty different
occupations rated on the descending scale of marital happiness. The
happiest are at the top and the least happy are at the bottom. Here
is the approximate order:
1. Chemical engineers 26. Factory foremen
2. Ministers 27. Garage owners
3. College professors 28. Mail clerks
4. Teachers 29. Insurance salesmen
5. Engineers 30. Brokers
6. Wholesale salesmen 31. Electricians
7. Chemists 32. Druggists
8. Accountants 33. Clerks
9. Civil engineers 34. Salesmen, auto, etc.
10. Office workers 35. Railroad office workers
11. Physicians 36. Railroad workers
12. Bankers 37. Farmers
13. Newspaper workers 38. Bond salesmen
14. Government workers 39. Skilled workers
15. Coöperative officials 40. Barbers
16. Architects 41. Gas station employees
17. Large business owners 42. Truck drivers
18. Lawyers 43. Musicians
19. Store salesmen 44. Real estate salesmen
20. Contractors 45. Plumbers
21. Printers 46. Auto mechanics
22. Bookkeepers 47. Carpenters
23. Dentists 48. General mechanics
24. Bank employees 49. Traveling salesmen
25. Small store owners 50. Laborers
One interesting statistic is that while eighty per cent of the
clergy had happy or very happy marriages (as assessed by their
friends) only forty per cent of salesmen had marriages at least as
happy or very happy, again as assessed by friends. Only eleven per
cent of the clergy seemed to be really unhappy in marriage while
thirty-six of the salesmen were.
Obviously education is not the determining factor in an occupation’s
happiness quota because physicians, lawyers and dentists, who require
more schooling than almost any other group, are definitely less happy
in marriage than engineers, teachers and ministers. Musicians rate
very low, coming between truck drivers and real estate salesmen,
apparently because of the mobility and impermanence of their jobs.
There are seven types of work that seem to be the major vocational
troublemakers. They don’t need to produce trouble. In fact if both
the man and wife are aware of the potential dangers involved and
act accordingly trouble rarely occurs. But if they don’t possess
such awareness, they may find it increasingly difficult to find
happiness through marriage. Both will be resentful without knowing
why. We don’t advise girls to avoid marrying men in these types of
work. That would be ridiculous. But we do suggest that they take
the job into consideration. Then, if they go ahead and marry the
man, they will do it with their eyes wide open and with a plan to
remove the danger by normalizing their married life as much as
possible despite the job.
With that thought in mind let’s take up the seven big troublemakers.
* * * * *
THE MAN WHO TRAVELS A LOT. This includes not only the traveling
salesman, whose reputation for waywardness has a great deal of
basis in fact, but also traveling entertainers, truck drivers,
professional soldiers, casual laborers, railroad workers, air
pilots. There are also multitudes of others whose work requires
stopovers or prolonged stays away from home. It is the mobility
of the job rather than the fact that unreliable characters work
in them that produces the trouble. Lonesome and dissatisfied, the
mobile person seeks substitutes which create strife at home when
they are learned of, and feelings of guilt with the man even when
they aren’t. Such a mobile person is more likely to come in contact
with other women who may seem very attractive to him since he is
denied the companionship and daily affection of his family. There
seems to be absolutely no doubt that those occupations which are
somewhat fixed, that is, which require little or no traveling,
provide happier marriages, other things being equal.
Wives can counteract the danger by frequently arranging to
accompany the husbands on trips they may make. Even though the wife
may have children, there are many trips on which she can accompany
her husband. In most cases the husband, far from resenting her
presence, welcomes it because he does get lonely and bored
traveling in strange towns.
Even though the wife is busy she should take time out to accompany
her husband over his entire territory so that she sees some of
the problems he faces and meets some of the people he has to work
with. In doing this she serves two purposes: she is better able
to talk to her husband intelligently about his work if she knows
the operation and the people involved. This will encourage him to
unburden his occupational problems to her rather than think she is
just a dumb housewife and take them elsewhere or brood over them.
The second purpose is that by letting his associates on the route
see her she makes them more aware of the fact that he is a happily
married man and they will thus be less likely to put temptations in
his way.
In taking normalizing actions such as these, a girl can more safely
choose a mate whose work keeps him mobile and with less fear that
the marriage will be hazardous.
* * * * *
THE MAN NOBODY KNOWS. If the groom earns his income outside the
community where you will live and is seen very little there, he
will feel less desire for social approval of his conduct. To put
it in sociological terms, he will not be under close “community
scrutiny.” Thus he is more susceptible to the temptation of
heavy drinking, gambling, or other women than the man whose job
does come under community scrutiny. Examples of the latter are
teachers, ministers, storekeepers, and town officials. These men
all come into a great deal of daily contact with the members
of the community and thus are more concerned about “keeping up
appearances.” Other things being equal, the greater the degree of
social control exerted, the greater the happiness of the marriage.
If a girl does marry a man who doesn’t come under this scrutiny,
she can to some extent bring him under it by being seen with her
husband at many public places, encouraging him to join with her
in participating in many community activities, by introducing her
husband to many different people and letting them know the kind of
work he does.
* * * * *
THE MAN WHO WORKS AT ABNORMAL HOURS. During the war we came to
hear a lot about the swing shifters. But in war or peace there are
millions of men who keep unusual hours--policemen, newspapermen
working on morning newspapers, bartenders, night watchmen, etc.
They can make it difficult for a wife, particularly if she is a
mother, to adapt her daily routine of living to the shifting hours
of work. This is destructive to happiness because husband and wife
have too little opportunity to be with each other. Furthermore not
many men can change their hours of sleep from week to week without
becoming irritable. If he has children he is denied the normal
opportunities to play with them. All the evidence we have indicates
that occupations which require working late are not as likely to be
associated with marital happiness as those occupations which permit
working during the daylight hours.
In one case a couple married seven years were on the verge of
divorce within four months after the husband took a night job. He
had become lonely because he missed all his normal associations
and finally had fallen in love with a waitress at an all-night
lunchroom where he ate. Happily the wife kept her senses and
instead of agreeing to the divorce merely asked for a postponement
of the decision for a few months. Meanwhile she got busy and made
a greater effort to make home a more appealing place to him. She
rearranged the schedule of the children so they could be with their
father an hour every day, she began paying more attention to her
own grooming and arranged her own schedule so that she could sleep
at the same time her husband did two days a week. Soon the husband
lost interest in the other woman.
* * * * *
THE MAN WHOSE INCOME IS IRREGULAR. This includes all salesmen
working on commission, free-lance writers, small business owners,
seasonal workers, lawyers, physicians, brokers, plumbers,
architects, etc. One fact that has been noticed repeatedly in
marriage studies is that regularity of income has a considerable
influence upon marriage happiness. Apparently couples having
regular incomes are better able to plan their expenditures and
savings, to be neither flush at one time nor impoverished at
another, and are better able to work out long-term financial plans.
At any rate there seems to be a good deal less bickering where the
income is regular. To live happily with a man with a fluctuating
income the mates need to show the wisdom of the Biblical Joseph,
by saving during fat months for lean months, and by keeping an
unusually rigorous eye on the accounts. If they can save up a real
backlog, and can take a philosophical attitude toward the whimsies
of his income, they should have no more trouble than the average
couple. The savings will provide a psychological cushion as well as
a real one.
* * * * *
THE MAN WHOSE WORK IS DIRTY OR NERVE-RACKING. We know a farmer who
says his wife is so annoyed by his dirty clothes that she won’t
touch them and won’t let him inside her house until he puts on
dress shoes. Such wives should remember that dirt is an honorable
mark of a farmer’s, a mechanic’s, or a coal miner’s occupation. And
perhaps if approached good-naturedly, he can be persuaded to change
to clean clothes before leaving the site of his work.
Other husbands have jobs whose work is noisy, tense, or exacting.
This includes steeplejacks, tunnel builders, foundry workers,
pilots, etc. The jobs leave the husband emotionally exhausted
and highly irritable. The wife of such a man will find herself
involved in repeated quarreling and sniping unless she realizes
the husband’s state of mind when he comes home and sees to it that
he has a warm bath and an hour of rest and relaxation before she
disturbs him or approaches him with any family problems.
* * * * *
THE MAN WHO FEELS INSECURE IN HIS JOB. Job security, like
regularity of income, is an important factor in marriage happiness.
A number of studies have shown that the most contented and
satisfied men are those who feel secure in their job. The assurance
of permanence enables the man to be serene. When a man feels
insecure in his job he is more likely to change jobs frequently,
hoping to improve his tenure. This constant changing of not only
jobs but the accompanying new neighborhoods and school systems
for the family produce frayed nerves and many annoying problems.
Loss of work, even though it is temporary, brings worry over
where the next meal is coming from, brings in the possibility of
public relief, lowers the man’s self-respect and may decrease his
wife’s confidence in him as a worth-while husband and provider.
Undoubtedly one of the reasons for the rise of the divorce rate
after the great depression was the tension engendered by threat of
unemployment which placed great strains upon family living.
If a girl marries a man in such a status she should be prepared
to help her husband by not being critical of his work and by not
throwing it up to him that he is unable to get a permanent job.
She can even encourage, and sympathetically help him get some
specialized training that may prepare him for a better job which
offers greater security. Perhaps he can do it at night or by
correspondence courses. Far more men than do would seek to improve
their vocational skills if their wives would encourage and inspire
them to become more competent.
* * * * *
THE MAN WHO IS NOT PROUD OF HIS JOB. Social prestige of an
occupation is an intangible factor that nevertheless has a great
deal to do with marital happiness. A man is more likely to work
out a happy marriage when he is engaged in work that is approved
and respected by the community. If the man is a gravedigger or
bill collector or dogcatcher the wife, and particularly the
children, may be sensitive about the lack of prestige involved.
If such a marriage is to succeed, the wife must realize that her
man is performing an essential function in the community. Further,
she should realize that if such a family seems to live happily
together, if they are active in church and community affairs and
lead respected lives, they will be accepted for what they are
and not for what the man’s occupation happens to be. One of the
happiest, most respected men we know is the garbage collector in a
New England town.
We repeat, the seven types of men we have just discussed are not
necessarily to be shunned as mates. But girls marrying them should
realize the problems that may be involved.
_Chapter XVII_
The Veteran as a Mate
Most of the marriages from now until 1955 will involve veterans of
World War II. It is probable that at least eight million veterans
will marry by then. During these years our marriage rate is
expected to be the highest in our history.
For this reason, if for no other, it is pointless to make any
special problem of the veteran, as so many people are trying to do.
It is true that war changes men, but it also changes the girls who
stayed at home--and for that matter the men who happened to stay
at home. There is no need to discuss the question, “Should a girl
marry a veteran?” because most girls will marry veterans anyhow,
and there is no reason why they should hesitate.
But what we will do now is point out some of the changes that
occurred while the man was away so that the veteran and the girl
can understand each other better.
In many ways the veteran is a better prospective mate than when
he went away. He may have acquired some good habits in the
Army: getting up on time, taking care of personal belongings,
orderliness. His horizon may have broadened and he may have
learned to be more tolerant. He probably has matured beyond his
chronological age. He has learned a great deal about loyalty to a
cause, perseverance and patience, all of which will help make him a
better mate. Often he has achieved a needed emotional independence
from home and mother. He has become practical and very realistic.
Most important of all, perhaps, he learned while away to appreciate
the value of marriage and the home. He yearns more than anything
to settle down in some quiet place with a nice girl and raise a
family. He has had enough running around and being at loose ends.
The veteran, of course, has lost and gained certain skills, he may
seem crude and he may appear to have lower ideals and standards.
He worries a great deal about the future, is somewhat unsure of
himself in some civilian situations. Ernie Pyle the late, famed war
correspondent pointed out some of these changes when he wrote:
Our men can’t make the change from normal civilians into
warriors and remain the same people. Even if they were
away from you under normal circumstances ... they would
not come home just as you knew them.... They are bound to
be different people from those you sent away.... They are
rougher.... Killing is a rough business.... Language has
changed from mere profanity to obscenity.... They miss
women.... They expressed longings.... Their whole conduct
show their need for female companionship.... Money value
means nothing to them.... A man learns to get what he needs
by “requisitioning.” It isn’t stealing, it’s the only way to
acquire certain things.... War puts old virtues in a changed
light. We shall have to relearn a simple fundamental or two
when things get back to normal.
The standards of fighting men are those of men living without
women, of men who have lost many of the moral values of our normal
living. If they hadn’t lost them they wouldn’t have been good
killers. Some of them have feelings of guilt and remorse from cheap
women they have known. Others are shy and withdrawn because they
have had long periods of isolation away from women.
As a result of the war many veterans have open or subconscious
conflicts involving weakened morals, shattered values, duties
to others, “debt” the government owes them, opportunities they
have missed, war injuries or handicaps they incurred. They are
bothered about whether to return to school ... whether to go back
to the “old” sweetheart ... whether to remain in the Army. Some
have feelings of inferiority as they try to make their way into a
strange world or return to an almost forgotten world. In the Army
or Navy they learned to let others take the responsibilities and
the initiative. They made fun of the “eager beavers” and learned
to regard “goldbricking” (evading hard work) as a virtue. But in
civilian life, ambition and hard work are two of the great virtues.
In addition to all these issues to worry them, they face the job
of deciding what to do. In one survey of soldiers, about seven
per cent said they would return to school on a full-time schedule
with or without government aid. Another twenty-eight per cent said
they would go back to school if government aid was provided. That
makes thirty-five per cent who hope to go to school. (But many of
them probably won’t.) Most of these hoping to return were under
twenty-five. About half of all the men hoped to return to their old
job or to a new job in their same community.
The average veteran has four alternatives of action: He can go
back to school; he can go back to his old or a similar job; he can
go into a job for the first time; he can select a new field of
work. Most of them want a vacation, a wife, and a job, though not
necessarily in that order.
Some of the men will have feelings of insecurity. Some of them have
never worked before. They are asking themselves: Can I get a job?
Will my old job be waiting for me? (This particularly disturbs men
who are being released relatively late.) Is my girl going to marry
me? Was she loyal to me while I was gone?
If you are a girl considering the possibility of marrying a
veteran, here are thoughts you might keep in mind.
--You must assume he is a normal person and treat him like
one. Even if he doesn’t seem to be he should make the
adjustment to civilian life within a few months.
--Don’t confess any “misdeeds” of your own--they will only
upset him and add nothing either to the present adjustment or
future happiness.
--Talk out your problem, your futures, carefully and
in detail. This will help both of you be sure of the
responsibilities you face in marriage and will cause both
of you to plan systematically and not haphazardly about the
future.
--If you agree to marry, go ahead and be married in church
with a conventional ceremony with all the trimmings. Unless
he is terribly opposed, don’t be contented with less than a
church or home wedding with the friends and families of both
present. Studies have shown that marriages that took place
within the sanctity of the church tend to be happier than
those that do not.
--In dealing with him during the first few weeks don’t
tell him what to do or where to go. Make him feel relaxed,
encourage him to wait on you, make him feel useful.
If you are a returning veteran you should accept the fact that you
are going to find your girls different from when you left. And
it won’t be all aging. They have been working in greater numbers
than ever before and on the surface are more independent. In
spite of this, remember that girls want to be treated gently and
considerately. They still love soft lights and sweet music, they
want to hear your compliments, they want that tender good-night
kiss if they like you, and that romantic conversational interplay.
You must not forget that you have been away a long time. You may
find your feminine psychology rusty. Girls are still soft and
sentimental, still wanting to be made love to, still wanting
to marry and make homes and have your children. Don’t let the
inhumanity of war make you cynical. Such an attitude would keep you
from finding the mate with whom you can be happy.
Will you pick your mate or will she pick you? Because of the
surplus of women over men now you can do the picking. You don’t
have as much ground for wondering whether you will marry as the
girls do. But will you pick your own mate? Probably not. It has
been said: “A man rushes after a woman until she catches him.”
Actually, picking a mate nowadays is a mutual process; both of you
pick each other. It is a complicated process and probably neither
of you knows quite what is going on. Part of the time one of you
may be more aware of what is going on than the other; part of the
time neither of you is sure.
What kind of a mate should you look for? These things have been
covered in detail in previous chapters. However here are a few
thoughts that take on particular pertinence when applied to
veterans. Ask yourself:
Will she make me a good wife? Can she cook, sew, run a home?
Is she the sort of girl I would like to have as a mother of my
children? Will she wear well? Don’t pick her just because she is
glamorous because glamour and good looks are largely cosmetic
processes anyway. Is she selfish or is she considerate of me and my
well-being? What are her good traits? What are her poor traits?
Don’t marry a girl who has traits that are opposite of your own
unless she is opposite only in good traits which you lack. For
example, if your own parents were unhappily married, pick a girl
whose parents were happily married. If you feel unsure of yourself,
pick a reliant, confident girl. If you are quite irritable, be sure
to get a mate who is definitely tranquil.
What about the men who have been physically or mentally hurt by the
war? Should a girl shun a man who has a war injury?
In World War II, which lasted some forty-four months, casualties
of one sort or another exceeded one million men, with nearly three
hundred thousand lives lost and with fifteen thousand veterans
losing an arm or leg or more members of his body.
To learn how girls would feel toward marrying injured men, the
senior author asked five hundred girls whether they would marry
veterans with any of thirty-three different types of war injuries.
The injuries included such things as loss of speech, loss of two
eyes, complete deafness, recurrent malaria, loss of hair and
eyebrows due to burns, several fingers missing, injuries to head
including replaced nose, ear, teeth and jaw. Many of the girls
queried were engaged to servicemen.
It was interesting to note that older girls showed a greater
willingness to marry injured men than the younger girls. This may
be due to the fact that the older girls are more concerned about
their chances of marrying. Also, engaged girls showed a greater
willingness than unengaged girls. The reason for this may be that
engaged girls know the capabilities of their fiancés and can see
how their men could be successful at a job and marriage in spite of
an injury.
Of the thirty-three injuries, only four were checked by the
majority of engaged girls as serious enough to impel them to
withdraw from their engagements. Those four, in order were:
Impotence
Loss of both arms in such a way that they can’t be replaced with
artificial arms
Mental unbalance requiring institutional confinement for several
months or longer
Loss of both legs so that they are not replaceable.
While, as you notice, these fiancées felt extremely reluctant
to marry a man who had lost his sexual potency, only a small
proportion (16%) would refuse to marry an ex-soldier who had become
sterile. Inasmuch as most of the engaged girls would not marry a
man who had become sexually impotent it is clearly evident that
sexual activity is regarded in a far different light than having
children. Most of the girls would marry if they could have sex even
though there were no possibility of conceiving children.
When the unengaged girls were queried, eight injuries were listed
by the majority, including the four mentioned by the engaged girls.
The additional four were:
Loss of speech
Loss of one leg and one arm, when neither is replaceable
General permanent bad health
Mental instability that requires no institutionalizing.
It was interesting to note that neither group showed a majority
opposing blindness. Also, note that these girls listed loss of
limbs only where they were not replaceable. Most girls professed
willingness to marry men if their lost limbs could be replaced
by artificial ones. All of the girls seem to have been deeply
impressed by the progress made in rehabilitating the injured. Many
had seen the amazing results with their own eyes and so had lost
their fears about marrying men with such injuries.
Probably seventy-five thousand returning veterans may have hearing
impairments. But with hearing aids or lip-reading, most of these
men can be fairly normal within a few months.
Even though a girl hesitates about marrying an impotent man, much
of impotence is psychologically caused and if so is curable.
Furthermore the newer sex hormones science has discovered are
wonder workers.
Here are a couple of precautions that should be observed in
marriages involving injured men:
--No girl should marry a veteran because of pity. It should
be for love.
--No veteran should hesitate to marry just because he has
a defect, providing the two love each other, one of them
(preferably he) can make a living, and providing they have
discussed the handicap and both understand its nature and
limitations.
--They should give themselves a waiting period, just as any
other two people who have been separated should do, for say
six months before marrying.
--Remember that few people are one hundred per cent perfect
physically. Under usual conditions, eighteen per cent of our
working population has a definite physical defect or chronic
disease. Of our war handicapped, it is believed that some
eighty per cent can be placed, by careful selection of jobs,
in work where they can be happy and just as productive in
that particular job as they would be without the handicap.
Another twelve or thirteen per cent will need rehabilitation
before such placement can be made. Another five per cent will
need extensive rehabilitation and even then will have to be
placed in “sheltered” work.
What about the psychological casualties of war? Here we do have
a real problem. Before the end of the war a third of the Army’s
discharges were psychoneurotic cases of one form or another. But
you should also remember that about one-sixth of the men rejected
by the draft, the 4-_F_’s, were rejected for neuropsychiatric
reasons. The fact is that close to one-fourth of all the single men
in this country are maladjusted to some extent. This helps explain
the terrific rise in the rate of divorce.
Psychoneurosis is a broad term covering “combat fatigue,” “war
nerves,” ulcers and other psychosomatic disturbances. In World
War I it was misleadingly referred to as “shell shock.” Don’t
feel there is something lacking in a veteran who suffered a
psychological breakdown because the facts show that unskilled
“bad eggs” are less likely to break down than the men who had
good records in clerical or skilled jobs in civilian life and
were exemplary in their military conduct. Some of the factors
producing breakdown in war service were long-continued tension,
repeated expectancy of injury or death, terrifying experiences,
loss of comrades in war from battle, excessive physical fatigue,
insufficient sleep.
Perhaps it would help you to understand the psychoneurotic if we
explained just how these breakdowns occur. Try to bear in mind
that all of us have a breaking point, which varies from person
to person. This breaking point is a “frustration climax” and is
reached whenever the person has so many frustrations piled on
him that he can no longer endure them. The ability to take it is
frustration tolerance. Any one of us can break if the frustrations
are intense enough and long continued. So when the soldier breaks,
it simply means that his frustrations have been more than he can
bear. It is nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to be hidden. In
a war the soldier is constantly exposed to the threat of death,
and never seeing his loved ones again. But in civilian life, death
does not constantly threaten him and normally he is not so beset by
frustrations.
Immediately after the 1918 Armistice was signed, thousands of
soldiers who seemed to be neurotic, shellshocked, etc., recovered
very quickly. Why? Because their lives were no longer threatened,
they could return home and were relieved from the noise of battle
and the emotional upheavals of seeing comrades shot down.
What does all this tell you? Simply this. When such a veteran comes
home he may seem strange and nervous. He may be cynical about girls
and disgusted with things in general. He may even break out in
tears occasionally and will gripe a great deal. But he usually will
return to normal soon. It may take a month, three months, even six
months. If you are his girl just be patient. Don’t make him talk,
don’t ask him for harrowing details of battle. Encourage him to
get plenty to eat, sleep and rest. Don’t drag him around and show
him off. Give him lots of love and affection. Keep him busy and
occupied when he is in the mood. In short, be natural with him, but
don’t pamper him too much or too long.
As for marriage, there is no reason why he shouldn’t marry. He
will usually make a perfectly normal husband if he isn’t exposed
to new, continued frustrations. If he is still unsettled certainly
don’t marry yet because marriage, and the responsibilities marriage
involves, will certainly not help him. The best procedure would be
to wait at least six months and then marry--unless his doctor or
psychologist advises against it.
_Chapter XVIII_
So You Agree to Marry: What Next?
We presume there are still young men who get down on their knees
and make formal proposals but we aren’t personally acquainted with
them. The average couple today goes about it more casually. In the
course of a conversation they may discuss marriage and find that
both like the idea.
Perhaps the old way was better. At least it was clear-cut. Nowadays
a girl often cannot be quite sure whether she is engaged or not.
The young man may talk good-naturedly about “When we get married”
or may give her his wings or fraternity pin without exactly
explaining what the symbol is to mean. Most girls tell us they have
been engaged two or three times. Perhaps this vagueness is one
reason why they fall in and out of engagements.
When is a couple engaged? According to our thinking, two people are
not engaged until they definitely agree that they want to marry
each other ... not until they inform their friends and if possible
their respective parents that they intend to marry ... and not
until the man gives the girl some symbol to display that will tell
the world she is engaged and off the marriage market.
Four out of five men who become definitely engaged give their
fiancées an engagement ring and that is probably most practical
because a ring has been the one accepted, universal symbol of
betrothal for more than twenty-five hundred years. Originally the
symbolism was less subtle. The ring originated in the days of
marriage by capture when the ankles or wrist of the girl were bound
with sweetgrass. As the bindings became purely symbolic only the
finger was tied up, with an engagement ring. If you decide on a
diamond ring (and more than three-fourths of couples do) they range
in price from a few dollars to many thousands of dollars. According
to one of the women’s magazines, more than half the engaged girls
get diamond rings costing about fifty dollars.
Whatever the symbol adopted, it should serve the purpose of taking
the couple “out of circulation” and to provide exclusiveness for
each other. That is one of the basic conditions of an engagement.
Exceptions can be made if the man is away for a prolonged period,
but as a rule there should be no extra-curricular dating.
Here are some of the purposes that an engagement should serve in
addition to taking you out of circulation:
--Engagement provides a period of deepening love and
affection during which there is an awakening of sexual
feelings which will make the couple yearn for the full
intimacy which marriage permits.
--It serves as a period of planning for the future during
which the two plan when they will be married, the kind of
wedding they will have, where they will honeymoon, the sort
of housekeeping arrangement they will make, where they will
live, etc.
--It is a period of personality adjustment, of welding the
couple into a union.
--It is a period of exploring each other’s interests to find
what activities exist that both enjoy and can share.
--It is a time when the wise couple prepares for marriage.
The man gets a job, saves some money. The girl learns and
perfects her homemaking skills in cooking, sewing, and house
managing.
--It is a time to decide whether they want children and how
many.
--It is a time when antagonistic habits are broken and new
habits which will permit a smoother married adjustment are
established.
--It is a time when differences are recognized about
religion, about parents, and solved or compromised.
Because of all these functions, the engagement is a period
that requires time.
The beginning of the war saw a sharp rise in “gangplank” or hasty
war marriages. And the end of the war produced another sharp rise.
Thousands of couples rushed into marriage a few days after the
returning veterans got off the boat. We can appreciate the desire
of some long-separated couples to marry immediately but if they do
they are only adding to the inevitable toll of broken marriages
that will result.
Hasty marriages get off to a bad start simply because the
engagement period, which is the period of planning and preparation
for marriage, is cut short.
In one study that was made, forty-seven per cent of the married
couples who had known each other less than six months prior to
marriage were poorly adjusted! Of those who had been acquainted
for five years prior to marriage, less than fifteen per cent were
poorly adjusted. Of those who had known each other less than three
years, about thirty-three per cent were poorly adjusted.
Similarly, about fifty per cent of the couples had a poor
adjustment if they had been engaged less than three months
before marriage. In contrast, less than twenty per cent had poor
adjustment when their engagement period ranged from nine months to
two years. And less than ten per cent of those who had been engaged
more than two years were poorly adjusted. In other words, the
prospect of an unhappy marriage clearly decreases as the length of
the engagement increases.
And incidentally the same study showed that couples were more
happily married if both sets of parents approved the marriage.
Parents in general are more likely to approve an orderly marriage
than one contracted in haste.
Many hasty marriages are contracted secretly. These take two forms.
First, the elopement, which is characterized by a secret wedding,
but not by a secret marriage. In the second type the couple not
only are married secretly but keep the marriage a secret. All the
evidence indicates that either type is less likely to be happy
even than the hasty marriage performed in public. By their very
nature, secret weddings should be avoided by couples. They rarely
take place unless the persons are not sure they are doing the right
thing.
For couples that involve a returning veteran, it is especially
important that they be engaged at least six months after the
reunion before marrying. This time will permit you to become
reacquainted, to make up your minds if you still want to marry each
other, and to adjust to the changes you two have had during your
separation. It provides the veteran time to decide what to do about
his career. And it provides him with a chance to get back into the
routine of civilian living before he takes on the responsibilities
of marriage. In the Army or Navy much of his thinking was done for
him. Now he must think for himself and take on responsibilities.
The transition may be relatively short for him if he decides to go
back to an old job; it may be quite long if he elects to continue
his vocational preparation.
Sex is a problem during engagement, because it is accepted as
a period for greater intimacy, and properly so. In courtship
restrained caressing may be engaged in without disturbing public
morals, but petting as we define it should wait upon engagement.
Our customs permit greater intimacy during engagement than during
courtship but frown upon complete intimacy before marriage. On
the other hand, society relaxes chaperonage of engaged couples,
permits them to keep later hours, to be together for longer periods
of time, perhaps to take trips together. Under such circumstances
restraint must be applied if an engaged couple is to refrain from
intercourse. Fortunately a girl has more inhibitions and thus can
apply restraint more readily. However, if she loves her fiancé
deeply she is torn between two desires: whether to do or not do
what she has been taught; or whether to do or not do what her loved
one suggests. If she gives in to him, it is usually because of
the tenderness of her affection rather than because she has great
sexual desire. Each couple should decide what their limits will be
and stick by them. Both should remember that many engagements never
result in marriage.
While an engagement represents an honest declaration of intention
by the two people that they intend to marry, engaged couples
should feel that if there is any question in their mind about the
continuance of the engagement each should feel free to call it
quits. They should discuss their apprehensions frankly. It is far
better not to go through with a marriage that may prove unsuited or
unhappy. (However it is foolish, of course, to break an engagement
over a quarrel.) This chance of breaking off is another reason for
a long engagement. The authors feel that everything should be
done to encourage couples to be sure of each other before marriage
is contracted. If couples were trained more for marriage and went
through a longer preparatory period, then the more poorly matched
couples would become aware of the shoals ahead and we would have
far fewer broken marriages in America!
Regardless of how badly it may hurt a mate or parents or friends,
you should never marry a person against your better judgment
because wedlock will only aggravate an unpleasant situation. Nor
should you be deterred from fear that the mate will be so upset
emotionally that he will commit a rash act. Such a fear in itself
should be proof that the person is not emotionally stable and so
probably would not make you a good spouse. (Incidentally, a rash
act is exceedingly unlikely.)
One of the questions engaged people frequently ask marriage
counselors is how much of a “past” should be revealed by one
mate to the other. One general principle should be followed
completely, namely, that whatever is to be revealed should be
revealed _before_ marriage and not afterward. A second principle
is that lurid confessions of the past do not provide a good basis
on which to begin a marriage. In most cases, we believe, it is
wiser for the young couple not to tell each other things that may
build resentment or distrust or may create hurt or may produce
problems outweighing whatever might be gained through telling. Just
because one becomes engaged is no reason why every skeleton must
be rattled. The only thing that a couple should tell each other
are things that would have a bearing on their future happiness
in marriage. Such things as concealed physical defects, previous
marriage, legal embarrassments, debts, etc., should be told because
they will come out sooner or later anyhow. However, if you do feel
impelled--perhaps through feelings of guilt--to reveal disagreeable
aspects of your past, discuss it with some trusted confidant or
physician beforehand to confirm the wisdom of doing so. And when
you do make the revelation, do it casually and without emotion and
without making a great fuss over it.
Engagement is a time of growing tolerance and trust and understanding.
Frankness characterizes it and you and your mate should be realistic
with each other in facing your problems. Your major problems deal
primarily with the present and the future rather than with the past.
One evidence that you are trying to solve them is the willingness with
which you freely discuss them with each other, with your parents and
with your trusted confidants.
_Chapter XIX_
Getting Ready for Married Intimacy
In the course of counseling, one occasionally encounters a couple
whose marriage has not been attended by complete physical intimacy.
In one such case the two people had been married two years. More
astounding, neither of them was aware that complete physical
intimacy is quite common among married couples! Both had been
reared in extremely sheltered atmospheres. The boy was a minister’s
son. The girl had been reared by maiden aunts. They were completely
naïve about sexual phenomena and had no understanding of what was
giving them the feelings of frustration from which they suffered.
How important is sex in marriage? Does it have much to do with the
happiness one derives from marriage? Or is sex merely important in
reproduction?
While sex may not be the most important factor in marriage, it
frequently makes or breaks a marriage. And a satisfying adjustment
on the level of physical love is closely associated with marital
happiness. Probably the most important thing in making a marriage
successful is the determination of both mates to make the marriage
work. Companionship and the mutual working out of problems together
are the fruits of happy marriages. But couples are rarely good
companions if they have repressions or fears or maladjustments
which thwart their achieving a satisfying unity on the physical
level.
Some experts have estimated that during the first few years of
marriage nearly half of marriage happiness depends on the sexual
adjustment achieved. This does not seem unreasonable because sex
provides the first rush of desire that launches the marriage and
continues to integrate the couple and bring a sense of harmony to
their union.
As the years pass couples achieve an increasingly satisfying
adjustment and the union of their bodies at frequent intervals in
climactic pleasure provides a bond between them. The experience
also is important in reducing the tensions that develop in both
mates during the course of their daily living. These tensions are
of many kinds but they include the sexual tension which results
from hormones being poured into the blood streams of both the
man and woman. The exhilarating orgasms that come as a climax in
successful coitus break these tensions and produce satisfying
feelings of relaxation and serenity.
One of the misfortunes of modern marriage is that so many married
couples are not able to achieve a satisfactory sexual adjustment.
Studies have shown that at least a third of all wives rarely
experience orgasm and at least half of all wives do not experience
it with any great regularity. The major reasons for their failure
are:
--Most wives are more inhibited and repressed than their
husbands.
--Most young wives have less actual sex drive than their
husbands.
--The husbands in too many cases are inconsiderate of the
wife and are primarily concerned in achieving satisfaction
for themselves.
Too often sex--instead of being a bond--becomes a quarreling point
between the couple. Both are resentful. Such feelings tend to
increase tension rather than reduce it.
Because sex is so vital to the happiness of a marriage, we suggest
that both you and your mate read a good book on sexual adjustment
(_see bibliography_) so that you will know what to expect and won’t
be frightened by the thought of it.
The girl (and perhaps the man) can learn a great deal by taking
up the matter at length when she goes for a premarital physical
examination a week or so before the wedding. She can ask the
physician questions about sexual matters and clear up any points
that trouble her. He can describe for her the sensations she can
expect to experience during the physical intimacy. At the time
of the examination she can also discuss any fears she has of
immediate pregnancy before their marriage has a chance to become
stabilized. He may suggest contraceptive devices or techniques to
eliminate that possibility and may take her pelvic measures to see
if the pelvis is too narrow for normal childbirth. Most engaged
couples want to know about contraception, and the average young
doctors and nearly all gynecologists are well equipped to give such
information.
Couples should be careful to thresh out this matter of contraception
before marriage because religion sometimes causes them to have
strong--and dangerous--differences of opinion about it. The problem
of whether to have or not to have children, and when to have children,
should definitely not be left to chance. Most religious leaders are
now in agreement on that. For those couples whose religion forbids
contraceptive devices, the rhythm method can be followed, although
this method is not recommended for couples whose religion permits them
to use other methods.
Another thing the bride-to-be may discuss with the doctor is her
hymen, which is the traditional mark of a virgin since it stretches
across the entrance to her vagina. (Incidentally, the absence of
the hymen as an obstacle is no evidence of non-virginity since
it can be disrupted in childhood without the girl’s knowledge or
through medical examinations.) If it is so thick that discomfort
may be experienced during first intercourse or if it prevents
intercourse entirely, the doctor may prescribe a simple treatment.
All couples entering marriage should understand that intercourse is
not something people do by instinct but is a learned procedure and
that it takes about three to six months for the typical couple to
work out a thoroughly satisfying adjustment. Many brides have all
sorts of baseless fears that must be dispelled.
There are three distinct phases to a sexual experience between a
man and woman and many of the difficulties arise because the man
slights phases one and three.
The first phase is that of arousal. The husband and wife caress
each other and become physically and psychologically ready for a
merging of their bodies. This first phase should not be hurried.
It is especially important that the husband remember this
because a woman’s passion arouses much more slowly than a man’s,
particularly during the first few years of married life. By
allowing plenty of time for the woman, the couple can help equalize
their differences in sex drive. The presence of erect nipples is an
indication that the woman is becoming aroused and may be receptive
to further advances.
Phase two is the actual coitus. In the early days of marriage this
should be engaged in gently. Later both may be able to enjoy the
tumultuous vigor of unrestrained physical intimacy. The husband
should not forget during intercourse to tell his wife how much
he loves her, how wonderful he thinks she is, how much delight
she is bringing him. Nor should the wife feel hesitant or bashful
about doing likewise. If either can make suggestions to the other
that will lead to greater enjoyment, both should feel free to do
so. It is only by loving frankness and unashamed coöperation that
husband and wife are able to achieve the beautiful harmony and the
exquisite pleasure that only a satisfying sexual adjustment can
bring them.
In many cases (unfortunately) the husband, because of strain and
fatigue, will arrive at his orgasm almost immediately. The average
couple, after some experience, find that actual intercourse usually
lasts about five to ten minutes. Some wives require ten minutes or
fifteen minutes before they are able to achieve orgasm. Some men,
perhaps one in seven, are unable to hold back ejaculation for more
than two or three minutes. All couples can bring their orgasms
closer to each other if they will try to accommodate themselves
to each other. The ideal is for both man and wife to have orgasm
simultaneously.
Orgasm for a man comes with the flooding or ejaculation of seminal
fluid. For the woman, orgasm is marked by the sudden relaxation of
the muscles in her genital region. It is accompanied by a feeling
of great tension reduction as well as great pleasure.
Now we come to phase three, which should not be slighted. It is
a sort of postlude, an after the storm. The average wife derives
exquisite pleasure from feeling herself and her husband relaxing.
Further, in this phase the wife wants to be held closely by her
husband and to be told that he loves her. She wants to be made to
feel that he loves her for what she is, all the qualities that
she has, all the traits that she possesses, and not alone for
the sexual thrill that she has just given him. We might give the
husband a practical suggestion at this point by telling him this.
If his wife is slow in reaching an orgasm he can help her to reach
orgasm more rapidly by making this postlude just as delightful for
her as possible by being tender and romantic. Without realizing
what is happening she will strive to achieve orgasm for the
pleasure she derives from his deep and sincere appreciation that
comes afterward.
Most young wives do not have an orgasm in the early days of
marriage and so should not be distressed if they do not experience
it on the wedding night. In Terman’s study of several hundred
wives, less than twenty-five per cent stated they had orgasm
at first intercourse. Another twenty-five per cent said they
experienced it within a few days or weeks. Another twenty-five per
cent roughly stated that they experienced it sometime between the
first month of marriage and the twelfth month. And the remaining
wives said they had either never experienced it or did not
experience it until one or more years after marriage.
In scoring these same women on their marriage happiness, Terman
found that those women who did not experience orgasm within the
first year were significantly less happy in marriage than those who
had been able to achieve it within the first year. More than half
of the happiest husbands and wives seemed to be those in marriages
where the wife had orgasm within the first few months of marriage.
It should be remembered however that the presence or absence
of orgasm is not necessarily a criterion of marriage happiness
or unhappiness. While absence of it is clearly an obstacle for
many couples it is not a major cause of unhappiness in marriage,
providing that it does occur within the first year. The happiest
couples seem to be those where there is complete or fairly complete
tension reduction experienced in intercourse whether an orgasm
occurs or not.
What are the obstacles to happiness as far as sex is concerned?
Terman found that many unhappy husbands complained most frequently
about such things as these:
Wife shows too little enthusiasm.
Wife can not regularly reach an orgasm or is slow in reaching it.
Wife desires intercourse too rarely.
Wife not physiologically ready for intercourse.
Wife has too little regard for the husband’s satisfaction.
Wife does not express enough tenderness and consideration.
It was found that unhappy wives complained about such things as
these:
Husband has orgasm too quickly.
Husband desires intercourse too frequently (or too rarely).
Husband wants to go to sleep or get up too soon after the climax.
Husband shows too little enthusiasm.
Husband does not caress affectionately during the preliminary
phase.
Husband expresses too little tenderness.
If you wonder about the importance of physical love in marriage
you might remember that very few husbands and wives are unfaithful
to each other if their passions are satisfied and if mates are
considerate of each other’s needs. The Marriage Counseling Service
at Penn State has not found a single case of separation or divorce
among couples who have achieved and maintained sexual harmony since
the early weeks of their marriage.
_Chapter XX_
Getting Off to a Good Start
Marriage is a plunge, no matter how carefully it is planned. The
man takes on the responsibility of supporting someone besides
himself for the rest of his life. The girl gives up her name, her
independence of action, and usually her career. Both mates must
adjust themselves to an entirely new existence.
The pattern of wedded relationship that will persist for the rest
of your married life usually sets during the first few months.
Every day you will take first steps. And those steps are important.
You start living together, planning together and sleeping together.
At a hundred points you can make missteps that will leave scars on
your relationship long after the original incidents are forgotten.
That’s why the first few months are so important.
For a girl, the wedding day will undoubtedly be the biggest day
she will experience in her life. Because of this the groom should
hesitate before he discourages a church wedding or suggests that
they be married by some roadside justice of the peace. While being
married in the church is not necessary for marriage happiness, it
has been found that those couples who are serious-minded are more
likely to achieve happiness if their wedding is under the auspices
of the church. Then it is planned, it is dignified, and the
vows--which seem to take on added meaning in a church--are uttered
before friends and relatives.
The bride should have the privilege of setting the date of the
wedding. In doing this she should try to set the date so that it
will follow a few days after the menstrual period has ended. She
does that not only because of anticipated physical intimacies, but
because the menstrual period frequently makes a girl irritable and
depressed--hardly the best mood for a honeymoon.
In planning the wedding and the honeymoon it is important to avoid
all situations that might produce tension and worry, and especially
the feeling of “hurrying somewhere.”
If you can manage a honeymoon, take it by all means. It doesn’t
need to involve a long trip or staying at an expensive resort.
Here are some suggestions on the site of the honeymoon that may be
helpful:
It should not be spent with friends or relatives.
It should be spent at a place where the couple is not well known.
It is better to spend it in the country or a small town rather than
in a bustling metropolis.
It should be spent where there will be no obligations to attend
social functions or to meet definite schedules.
It should be spent where both will be completely free of outside
responsibilities, such as cooking their own food so there will be
no limit on the time they can be together.
It should be spent where there are things to do and activities to
enjoy whenever they feel in the mood for such diversions.
The first adjustment faced by the typical married couple is sexual,
for the typical couple engages in sexual intercourse on that first
night. If they have discussed their attitudes on sex before the
wedding they have paved the way. Nevertheless many couples feel
self-conscious on their honeymoon night. Perhaps they would be even
more self-conscious if they realized that marriage happiness during
their first few years will depend a great deal on achieving a good
sexual adjustment.
Often a husband can make that first night easier for a wife if he
finds an errand to perform while his bride is preparing to retire.
He may even suggest to her that he will be gone for fifteen or
twenty minutes, which will give her a chance to be in bed when he
returns. However if she seems eager for him to remain he should
do so because she may be a little fearful of being left alone. In
any case it is important that both respect each other’s privacy
especially carefully during the first few weeks. Marriage, as we
say, is an abrupt step and each should strive to ease the impact
of the transition as much as possible.
If the new husband is ever romantic it should be now! The bride
is probably a bit nervous about what is to follow and this can
be largely dissipated if the groom is gallant and endearing and
considerate. This is not only the decent thing to do but is sound
psychology. It will build up in her a feeling of pride in him and a
desire to share with him everything possible.
Actual intercourse should not be launched on that first night if
the passions of both are not genuinely aroused. It is important
that both the bride and groom be completely agreeable before the
first intimacy is experienced. If the bride remains apprehensive
about it they should content themselves with milder intimacies and
take up the matter another night. They should not feel there is
some hard-and-fast tradition that they must have an experience that
first night.
If the bride is a virgin and still possesses the impediment of one,
both should understand that some pain will be experienced during
the first intercourse and neither may achieve a climax.
Further, both should understand that sexual adjustment is learned,
not inherited. The initial learning may be somewhat awkward and not
too satisfying. It’s not a natural, spontaneous thing, contrary
to the average young person’s notions. It is this misconception
that frightens many brides into frigidity when they find intimacy
doesn’t come naturally to them immediately. Many feel that there
must be something wrong with themselves when they don’t enjoy it
from the start.
But if they are patient and gentle with each other within a few
weeks they should sense the deep thrills that lie in store for
them. And within six months at most, they should have achieved a
grand and satisfying relationship.
If they are to achieve anything beyond animalistic excitement, the
aim of both the man and girl should be not to receive satisfaction
but to give satisfaction. It is this considerateness that makes the
act sublime and enriching. It welds them into a strong union.
As the honeymoon progresses, something usually happens toward the
end that jolts the couple back to reality. For the first time,
perhaps unconsciously, the groom starts acting like a husband or
the bride like a wife. Usually it is the groom. Perhaps he forgets
to kiss his bride when he leaves her for a few hours. Perhaps she
catches him thinking of something else while she is confiding her
love. Or perhaps he just refuses to get up and look at the gorgeous
sunrise that is thrilling her.
This little “baptism” comes sooner or later and brides should
prepare themselves for it. It signifies that the honeymoon is just
about over and that they are returning to the day-to-day job of
living together as two human beings. The bride may feel let down or
heartsick. She may even cry a little or flare up and upbraid him.
Or worse she may retreat into her shell. If she fails to handle the
incident calmly and retain her sense of proportion she may develop
an attitude that will get them off to a bad start.
As they get down to the day-to-day job of adjusting themselves
to married life the wife will find that the major burden of the
adjusting falls on her. That is because the woman normally must
rearrange her life, upon marriage, more than the man, despite the
fact that they are partners. For example:
He stays in the same community whereas she often must leave hers,
and her friends, to live with him.
He keeps his name whereas she drops hers to take his, with a “Mrs.”
in front of it.
He keeps his job whereas she usually quits hers to learn an
entirely new occupation--homemaking.
He continues to make his own money whereas she becomes dependent
upon him even for spending money.
He lives the role of husband an hour in the morning and a few hours
in the evening whereas she spends fifteen hours a day functioning
as a wife.
He continues spending the greatest part of his energy trying to
please his boss, whereas she starts devoting her energy to winning
her husband’s approval--approval for the way she cooks, dresses,
runs the home, takes care of the children, if they have them.
Normally the wife spends at least eighty per cent of the husband’s
income on such things as these and naturally is anxious to convince
him she is using his money wisely.
What adjustments must two people make in their attitude toward each
other in order to live together happily?
If you were to accept the word of certain newspaper “experts” on
love and marriage, you might get the impression that all the new
husband need do to make his wife happy is not to smoke in bed, to
pick up his own clothes, and to wash off the bathtub ring. Likewise
it would seem that all the new wife has to do is remove her
lipstick before retiring and avoid talking to him before he has had
his breakfast.
Marriage would be simple if those sorts of things were the
essentials of marriage adjustment. Actually the essentials are much
more basic.
For two people to live together successfully as husband and wife
they must be able to understand each other as only true companions
can.
They must recognize the needs of each other and be willing to
coöperate to satisfy them. Perhaps the girl is easily upset
emotionally and needs her husband’s calm disposition to steady her.
Or perhaps he has feelings of inferiority which she can offset by
building up his ego.
And they must be able to face the facts when differences arise (as
over money), and be able to work out amicable solutions together.
Mates who haven’t learned to compromise differences face a stormy
future.
If you want your mate to be eager to please you instead of ignoring
or defying you, learn to condition him by rewarding him with praise
and caresses. When the husband does something that displeases a
wife she must never reward him. Likewise, for example, if the wife
wants a new dress which is too expensive and the husband tries to
make it clear to her that he cannot afford it, and she has a temper
tantrum, he should not give in and buy the dress. In this case, the
husband would reward her temper tantrum.
Let this happen two or three times and thereafter she will use
a tantrum to get the things she wants from him. She knows he
hates such scenes and will give in. It will be much better
psychologically if the much-desired dress can be given to her as a
reward for something nice she has done.
While a husband or wife wants to feel that things are done out of
love and for love only, the fact remains that love continues only
if it is nourished. If a husband snarls at his wife, never gives
her a kind word, never rewards her and is always condemning or
punishing her, the day will come when she will absolutely despise
him.
There is such a thing as deathless love, but it exists only when it
has a firm foundation of considerateness between the two.
Another thing newly-weds should learn is the importance of tension
reduction. The husband may come home from the office and lash out
at the wife because supper is a little late. What has happened,
probably, is that he had some disagreeable experience at his
work but had to keep his temper under check there. He comes home
seething and explodes at the first provocation. The young wife
may retreat to her room crying unless she senses the real reason
for his anger. Instead she should recognize that he is tied up
in nervous knots, take his outburst philosophically and try to
reduce the tension by caressing him, by talking cheerfully and
complimenting him on something nice or laudable he has done.
By so doing, she brings pleasantness after unpleasantness and thus
encourages him to bring his troubles to her rather than to his male
cronies or to some other woman.
Married couples should also understand the importance of climactic
sexual relations as a means of reducing tension.
Another psychological habit that should be helpful to newly-weds is
the use of indirect methods to get what they want. You will have a
happier, more loyal mate if you can get him to do things you want
by making suggestions rather than demands. If the lawn needs mowing
just mention how ragged the grass is getting. Usually he will then
mow it on his own initiative.
On the practical side, it is very helpful if the two can work
out some plan for handling the income during the early weeks
of marriage so that they can see just where the money goes. A
simplified but formal budget is helpful here.
Further, it is vital that the wife quickly acquire skill in
managing the home so that the husband will be initiated pleasantly
into the role of being a home-body. A messy home frequently
produces irritations which disrupt cordial relations between the
two mates.
The new wife should plan her housework so that the tasks fit into a
pattern and are taken care of in order and at specific times. For
example, Monday may be “wash day”; Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday
may be “shopping days”; Wednesday may be “ironing day”; Saturday
morning may be baking day. This really amounts to a budget of her
time and her work.
If they are to five happily ever after it is important that the
wife know her husband’s food likes and dislikes. The importance of
food to marriage success is frequently misunderstood by newly-weds,
and highly underrated. A large portion of the husbands who take
their troubles to the Penn State marriage clinic disclose sooner
or later that their wives are poor cooks or serve them late,
slapped-together meals.
When a husband comes home tired and harassed from his day’s work,
nothing will restore him to a genial mood as much as his favorite
dishes of food, expertly prepared and served soon after he arrives.
During the first few weeks of married life the wife should make
an effort to learn something about her husband’s food likes and
dislikes. Some of this should already have been gathered by
observation during courtship and the honeymoon by noting the foods
that he chose in a restaurant.
Simply knowing the husband’s favorite dishes is not enough. The new
husband may not throw the first batch of burned biscuits at his
wife, but if the next batch is burned too he is apt at least to
throw some caustic comments.
Soon after the honeymoon there will come a time when one or both of
the mates may no longer be satisfied just to be with each other.
They will become more independent of each other unless during
the first few months of marriage they have explored each other’s
interests and found things they can do together.
If he is to become anything more than the provider and she anything
more than the housekeeper, they must establish a sound basis for
companionship. How can this be done? The essentials of human
companionship are pretty universal for any two people whether they
are mates or just close friends. Comrades most frequently have
these things in common:
_They enjoy talking to each other._ Mates should not feel they have
completely succeeded as partners until each regards the other as
the one person he or she can unburden himself to about anything
that is on his mind. Each can help develop a strong feeling of
“conversational companionship” in their union by being a ready
and sympathetic listener to the thoughts that are uppermost in
the other’s mind. Both should realize that a woman’s interests
naturally are different from a man’s. After their own immediate
preoccupations of the day, a woman’s interests tend more toward
clothes, decorations and amusements whereas the man is more
interested in money, world affairs and sports. A good middle ground
is their mutual interests and hobbies and the activities of their
mutual acquaintances.
_Companions enjoy doing things together._ One of the first things
newly-weds should investigate, if they haven’t already, are the
things they can do peaceably and enjoyably together. Perhaps
both get a great deal of pleasure from listening to early jazz
recordings, or skiing, or merely playing chess or being together
every night and saying very little.
Visiting friends can be fun where the two husbands are congenial
and the two wives are fond of each other. One of the sad things
about marriage is that a bride’s best friend marries a man whom her
husband can’t stand; or the man’s old roommate marries a flighty,
affected girl the wife can’t stand. Such antagonisms should be
sensed and the bride and groom should in such cases try to get
together with their old friends on an individual rather than a
family basis.
_Companions respect each other’s opinions and abilities._ The
shrewd wife keeps up with the world so that her husband will
respect her as an individual in her own right. Wives that become
completely dependent on their husbands, and cling to them because
they have no other interest, frequently lose the respect of their
husband.
_It helps if they are seeking a common goal._ One of the very
best ways there is for a couple to develop a strong basis for
companionship is to have common aspirations which both believe in
and talk about enthusiastically.
This means sharing in a long-range project. They map their
plans together and carry them through. They share triumphs and
disappointments. They may build or remodel a home for themselves.
In the process of planning, waiting and dreaming together they
become comrades for life.
While it may be argued that building or buying a home is more
expensive in the long run than renting, nothing gives a couple a
greater feeling of solidarity than home ownership, especially when
they plan together in building, remodeling or furnishing it.
Even saving money can be a common goal that will develop
companionship, especially if the couple are saving the money for
something they both want badly such as a car or a long-dreamed-of
vacation trip. In general a young couple earning between eighteen
hundred and three thousand dollars a year can well aim to save at
least five per cent and better still ten per cent of the income. If
they strive for a percentage much higher than that they may find it
entails too great a denial.
Similarly the goal of a couple may be to raise a large happy
family. They plan the arrival of their children and, working as a
team, guide the growth and development of each child.
After Thoughts
By now we hope we have helped you clarify in your mind the kind of
mate you want--and need. We have raised a good many thoughts you
should bear in mind in selecting your mate. It is doubtful that
you--or anyone--will find a mate who fits letter perfect into all
the qualifications we have mentioned in the course of the book as
desirable in mates, but that is not important. What is important
is that your mate should fit into the general pattern of the kind
of person you need, and should be free from the really serious
short-comings we have mentioned.
Perhaps the most important single thought we can leave with you is
that the person you marry should be one who will give you a _sense
of well-being_. Marriage to this person should end your vague
feelings of restlessness.
We know a young married couple who have “everything.” They live
in a well-to-do suburb, belong to a country club and are not
“tied down” by children. They go to many parties and on week-end
excursions and eat out whenever they feel like it. Yet they go
about their rush of activities with the bored futility of a dog
chasing his own tail.
And we know another couple who are the kind some people would feel
sorry for. They have four whooping youngsters that virtually pin
them to the homestead and make outside social life impossible.
They must fight a constant battle with living costs to get ahead
financially. During most of their free moments they must work about
their house, upholstering furniture, fixing leaking faucets or
hanging storm windows.
Yet these two mates are immensely happy in marriage. They have a
sense of purpose in life--a sense of well-being. They are so glad
they are married to each other that they can shrug off the many
irritations that beset them as unimportant. Both of them would
confide to you that marriage is a wonderful, enriching experience.
Appendix A
Books You May Wish to Read
I. ADJUSTMENT OF THE VETERAN (In and after war).
1. ANON., _Psychology for the Fighting Man_. Washington:
Infantry Journal, 1943.
2. BORING, EDWIN G. (editor), _Psychology for the Armed
Services_. Washington: Infantry Journal, 1945.
3. CHILD, IRVIN L., and VAN DE WATER, MARJORIE (editors),
_Psychology for the Returning Serviceman_. Washington:
Infantry Journal, 1945.
4. PRATT, GEORGE K., _Soldier to Civilian_. New York:
Whittlesey House. McGraw-Hill, 1944.
5. REDMOND, CATHERINE, _Handbook for Army Wives and
Mothers_. Washington: Infantry Journal, 1944.
6. STEVENSON, ELEANOR, and MARTIN, PETE, _I Knew Your
Soldier_. Washington: Infantry Journal, 1945.
II. BASIC RESEARCH IN MARRIAGE (Technical research studies).
1. BURGESS, E. W., and COTTRELL, L. S., _Predicting Success
or Failure in Marriage_. New York: Prentice-Hall, 1939.
2. DAVIS, KATHARINE B., _Factors in the Sex Life of
Twenty-two Hundred Women_. New York: Harper and
Brothers, 1929.
3. DICKINSON, R. L., and BEAM, LURA, _A Thousand Marriages_.
Baltimore: Williams and Wilkins, 1931.
4. HAMILTON, G. V., _A Research in Marriage_. New York:
Albert and Charles Boni, 1929.
5. TERMAN, LEWIS M., _Psychological Factors in Marital
Happiness_. New York: McGraw-Hill, 1938.
III. CONTRACEPTION AND FAMILY SPACING (Birth control).
1. COOPER, JAMES F., _Technique of Contraception_. New York:
Day-Nichols, 1928.
2. DICKINSON, ROBERT L., _Control of Conception_. 2nd
edition. Baltimore: Williams and Wilkins, 1938.
3. LATZ, LEO J., _The Rhythm of Sterility and Fertility in
Women_. 5th edition. Chicago: Latz Foundation, 1935.
(Recommended to Catholics.)
4. WELTON, T. S., _Modern Method of Birth Control_. New
York: Walker J. Black, 1935.
IV. FAMILY AND MARRIAGE PROBLEMS.
1. BABER, R. E., _Marriage and the Family_. New York:
McGraw-Hill Book Co., 1939.
2. DRUMMOND, LAURA W., _Youth and Instruction in Marriage
and Family Living_. New York: Teachers College,
Columbia University, 1942.
3. GOLDSTEIN, SIDNEY E., _Marriage and Family Counseling_.
New York: McGraw-Hill, 1945.
4. GROVES, ERNEST R., _Conserving Marriage and the Family_.
New York: Macmillan, 1944.
5. GROVES, GLADYS HOAGLAND, _Marriage and Family Life_.
New York: Houghton Mifflin, 1942.
6. HILL, REUBEN, and BECKER, HOWARD (editors), _Marriage
and the Family_. Boston: D. C. Heath, 1942.
7. MOWRER, H. R., _Personality Adjustment and Domestic
Discord_. New York: American, 1935.
8. NIMKOFF, M. F., _The Family_. New York: Houghton
Mifflin, 1934.
9. BURGESS, ERNEST W. and LOCKE, HARVEY J., _The Family_.
New York: American Book Company, 1945.
V. GETTING ALONG WITH PEOPLE (Improving personality).
1. LAIRD, DONALD A., and LAIRD, ELEANOR C., _The Technique
of Handling People_. New York: McGraw-Hill, 1943.
2. LOCKHART, EARL G., _Improving Your Personality_.
Chicago: Walton Publishing Co., 1939.
3. MORGAN, JOHN B., and WEBB, EWING T., _Making the Most
of Your Life_. Garden City, 1932.
4. MYERS, GARRY C., _The Modern Parent_. New York:
Greenberg, 1930.
5. NEWTON, ROY, _How to Improve Your Personality_. New
York: McGraw-Hill, 1942.
6. WEBB, E. T., and MORGAN, JOHN J. B., _Strategy in
Handling People_. Chicago: Boulton Pierce, 1930.
7. WHITE, WENDELL, _The Psychology of Dealing with
People_. Revised. New York: Macmillan, 1941.
VI. INTERPRETATION OF MARRIAGE STUDIES (Not too technical).
1. HAMILTON, G. V., and MACGOWAN, KENNETH, _What Is Wrong
with Marriage_. New York: Albert and Charles Boni,
Inc., 1929. (This is a popular treatment of HAMILTON’S
_A Research in Marriage_.)
2. HART, HORNELL, and HART, ELLA B., _Personality and the
Family_. New York: D. C. Heath, 1941.
VII. MALADJUSTMENT AND NEUROTICISM (Mental hygiene).
1. CROW, LESTER D., and CROW, ALICE, _Mental Hygiene in
School and Home Life_. New York: McGraw-Hill, 1942.
2. FINK, DAVID H., _Release from Nervous Tension_. New
York: Simon and Schuster, 1943.
3. LOUTTIT, C. M., _Clinical Psychology_. New York: Harper
and Brothers, 1936.
4. SHAFFER, LAURANCE F., _The Psychology of Adjustment_.
New York: Houghton Mifflin, 1936.
5. SOLOMON, HARRY C., and YAKOVLEV, PAUL I. (editors),
_Manual of Military Neuropsychiatry_. Philadelphia:
W. B. Saunders, 1944.
VIII. PREPARING FOR MARRIAGE (Easy to read and popular).
1. BOWMAN, HENRY A., _Marriage for Moderns_. New York:
McGraw-Hill, 1942.
2. FOLSOM, JOSEPH K., _Plan for Marriage_. New York:
Harper and Brothers, 1938.
3. FOSTER, ROBERT G., _Marriage and Family Relationships_.
New York: Macmillan Company, 1944.
4. GROVES, ERNEST R., _Marriage_. New York: Henry Holt,
1941.
5. HIMES, NORMAN E., _Your Marriage_. New York: Farrar
and Rinehart, 1940.
6. JORDAN, HELEN MOUGEY, _You and Marriage_. New York:
John Wiley and Sons, 1942.
7. JUNG, MOSES (editor), _Modern Marriage_. New York:
F. S. Crofts and Co., 1940.
8. NELSON, JANET FOWLER, _Marriages Are Not Made in
Heaven_. New York: Woman’s Press, 1939.
9. POPENOE, PAUL, _Marriage Before and After_. New York:
Wilfred Funk, 1943.
10. POPENOE, PAUL, _Modern Marriage_. New York: The
Macmillan Co., 1940.
11. DUVALL, EVELYN M. and HILL, REUBEN, _When You Marry_.
Boston: D. C. Heath and Company, 1945.
IX. SEXUAL ADJUSTMENT (Inception, development, guidance).
1. BUTTERFIELD, OLIVER, _Marriage and Sexual Harmony_. New
York: Emerson Books, 1938.
2. DEUTSCH, HELENE, _The Psychology of Women_. New York:
Grune and Stratton, 1944.
3. DICKINSON, R. L., and BEAM, LURA, _The Single Woman_.
Baltimore: Williams and Wilkins, 1934.
4. HAIRE, NORMAN (editor), _Encyclopedia of Sexual
Knowledge_. New York: Eugenics, 1940.
5. NOVAK, EMIL, _The Woman Asks the Doctor_. Baltimore:
Williams and Wilkins, 1937.
6. STONE, ABRAHAM, and STONE, HANNAH M., _A Marriage
Manual_. Revised edition. New York: Simon and
Schuster, 1939.
7. VAN DE VELDE, T. H., _Ideal Marriage_. New York: Random
House, 1930.
8. WALKER, KENNETH, and STRAUSS, ERIC B., _Sexual
Disorders in the Male_. Baltimore: Williams and
Wilkins, 1941.
9. WRIGHT, HELENA, _Sex Factor in Marriage_. Revised
edition. New York: Vanguard Press, 1937.
X. SEXUAL ANATOMY (Illustrated hand atlas).
1. DICKINSON, R. L., _Human Sex Anatomy_. Baltimore:
Williams and Wilkins, 1933.
XI. SEXUAL RESEARCH (Technical studies).
1. LANDIS, CARNEY, and BOLLER, M. MARJORIE, _Personality
and Sexuality of the Physically Handicapped Woman_.
New York: Paul B. Hoeber, Inc., 1942.
2. LANDIS, CARNEY et als., _Sex in Development_. New York:
Paul B. Hoeber, Inc., 1940.
3. TERMAN, L. M., and MILES, C., _Sex and Personality_.
New York: McGraw-Hill Book Co., 1937.
XII. SYMPOSIUM ON WAR MARRIAGE AND ITS PROBLEMS (Institute
addresses on “Preparing for Marriage,” “Counseling Married
Couples,” and “Preserving the Family”).
1. ADAMS, CLIFFORD R., and KERR, JAMES A. (editors),
_Proceedings of the Annual Institute on Marriage and
Home Adjustment_. State College: The Pennsylvania
State College, 1944.
Appendix B
Marriage Counseling Agencies
The American Association of Marriage Counselors (Chairman, Lester
W. Dearborn, 316 Huntington Avenue, Boston, and Secretary, Robert
W. Laidlaw, M.D., 563 Park Avenue, New York) is a professional
organization of qualified ethical marriage counselors. By writing
either the chairman or the secretary, the name and address of a
capable counselor in your vicinity may be obtained.
Other marriage counselors (or agencies) in colleges or universities
are listed below, some of whom are affiliated with the American
Association of Marriage Counselors.
Alabama: University of Alabama, Dr. Pauline Park Wilson
California: University of California (Berkeley), Dr. Noel Keys
Indiana: Anderson College, Dr. Carl Kardatzke
Iowa: Iowa State College, Dr. Reuben Hill
Massachusetts: Mt. Holyoke, Dr. Manfred H. Kuhn
Michigan: Merrill-Palmer School (Detroit), Dr. Robert G. Foster
Missouri: Stephens College, Dr. Henry A. Bowman
North Carolina: University of North Carolina, Dr. Ernest R. Groves
and Mrs. Gladys H. Groves
Oregon: University of Oregon, Dr. Lawrence S. Bee
Pennsylvania: Pennsylvania State College, Dr. Clifford R. Adams
Two nationally known reputable marriage counseling services are:
California (Los Angeles), American Institute of Marriage Relations,
Dr. Paul Popenoe, Director
Pennsylvania (Philadelphia), Marriage Counsel of Philadelphia, Mrs.
Emily H. Mudd, Director
_Index_
Adams-Lepley Personnel Audit, 100-105
Adjustment, to married life, 198
Adolescence, 40
Age and marriage,
Emotional, 40-41
Evidence of emotional immaturity, 41-42
Mental, 39
Physiological, 38
Sexual, 39
Vocational, 39
Alcohol and marriage, 159
Alibi artists, 150
Arousal stage, 191
Assortative mating, 28
Bachelors, percentage of, 15
Beauty, 89, 94-95
Bowman, Dr. Henry, 48
Children, as values, 22
Coitus, 191
Complaints of husbands and wives, 99
Contraceptives, 191
Dating, 40
Disorderly mates, 152
Divorce, 15
Rate of, 26-27
Emotional maturity, 41-43
Emotions, test, 72-73
Engagement, 183
Purpose, 184
Revealing your past during, 187
Role of sex during, 186
Erogenous zones, 58
Escapists, 151
Fetishism, 71
First night of marriage, 196-197
Flirts, 153
Frigidity, 55, 56, 67
Guilford-Martin Personnel Inventory, 100
Hasty marriages, 185
Home making and marriage, 165-166
Homosexuality, 70
Honeymoon, 196-198
Husbands, happy and unhappy, 98
Hymen, 191
Infatuation, characteristics of, 48
Inferiority complex, 90
In-law complications, 152-153
Jealous mates, 146
Jealousy, test, 154-155
Jobs and marriage happiness, 167-168
Prestige of, 167
Lang, Richard O., 167
Law-abiding husbands, 158
Life’s problems, 22
Love,
Ability for, 51-52
At first sight, 49
Conditions necessary for, 50
Defined, 47-50
Sex and, 55
Test of love, 53-54
Marriage,
Basic needs filled by, 95-97
Best age for, 25, 38, 43
Chances of, 23
Common goals in, 203
Companionship and, 21
Crucial traits for happiness in, 99
Customs, 15
Differences and, 140-145
Effects of war on, 25-26
Expectancy of happiness in, test, 37
Mixed, 139
Mixed personalities, 140-141
Mixtures to beware in, 141-145
Qualifications, 156-164
Prediction of happiness scale, 100
Prospects for, 16
Psychological barriers, 16-18
Reasons against, 15-18
Reasons for, 19-20
Stabilizing influence of, 21
Suggestions for marital happiness, 133-136
Mate-matching, 124-126
Test for couples, 137
Mates,
Acceptable, 27-28
Background of, 30
City Census table, 34
Critical, 149
Desirable, 104-105
Education of, 29
Financial status of, 29
Geography favorable for, 31
Job of, 30
Making over, 147-148
Range of eligibility, 28-31
Shortage of, 25
State age Census table, 32-33
Mating, problems of selection, 41-44
Problems of selection, 91-94
Traits wanted, 87-89
Meeting people of the opposite sex, 83-85
Menstruation, 58
Mismating, cause of, 26
Necking, 65
Nervous mates, 148
Neurosis, test of, 163-164
Obstacles to sexual happiness, 194
Orgasm, percentage experiencing, 64, 192-193
Pedophilia, 71
Penn State Counseling Service, 147-201
Personality test, 81, 82
Petting, 65, 67-69
Exploitive, 68
Setting limits, 71
Physical handicaps, 17
Physical health, 64, 158
Need for physical examination, 162-163
Popularity with opposite sex, 75-80
Suggestions for girls, 81
Powers, John, 89
Pregnancy, 191
Premarital sexual relations, 63
Arguments for and against, 65-67
Percentage of, 63
Reasons for increase, 64
Previous divorce, 161
Promiscuity, 67-68
Psychoneurosis, 158-160, 180-181
Pyle, Ernie, 175
Relatives, clinging, 152
Responsibility in marriage, 159
Sadism, 71
Self-confidence, importance of, 90
Services, Counseling, 156
Sex,
Abnormal outlets, 70-71
Desire and its origin, 55-56
Development, 56-57
Importance of, 189-190
Maladjustment, 56-57
Peak of sexual vigor, 65
Release from tensions, 69-70
Repressions unlearned, 60-61
Tensions, 68
Three phases of sexual experience, 191-192
Sexual adjustment, 190
Tension reduction, 200
Terman, Dr. L. M., 63, 98-100, 193
Veterans,
Desire for marriage, 21
Precautions to consider, 180
Subconscious conflicts, 175
Traits gained by war experience, 174
War injuries, 178-179
Vocational trouble makers, 168-173
Voyeurism, 70
Wedding, 195
Wives, happy and unhappy, 98
=TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE=
Italic text is denoted by _underscores_.
Bold text is denoted by =equal signs=.
Obvious typographical errors and punctuation errors have been
corrected after careful comparison with other occurrences within
the text and consultation of external sources.
Except for those changes noted below, all misspellings in the
text, and inconsistent or archaic usage, have been retained.
Pg 60: ‘Extensive psychotherepy may’ replaced by ‘Extensive
psychotherapy may’.
Pg 64: ‘complete physical infirmary’ replaced by ‘complete physical
intimacy’.
Pg 68: ‘them such exprestion’ replaced by ‘them such expression’.
Pg 76: ‘for real archievement’ replaced by ‘for real achievement’.
Pg 90: ‘or saxaphone playing’ replaced by ‘or saxophone playing’.
Pg 120: ‘in marriage haappiness’ replaced by ‘in marriage happiness’.
Pg 134: ‘critical and gossippy’ replaced by ‘critical and gossipy’.
Pg 151: ‘shed all responsibilites’ replaced by ‘shed all
responsibilities’.
Pg 158: ‘of mental funtion’ replaced by ‘of mental function’.
Pg 174: ‘perseverence and patience’ replaced by ‘perseverance and
patience’.
Pg 178: ‘glamorous because glamor’ replaced by ‘glamorous because
glamour’.
Pg 201: ‘expertely prepared and’ replaced by ‘expertly prepared
and’.
Pg 202: ‘each other’s opinons’ replaced by ‘each other’s opinions’.
*** End of this LibraryBlog Digital Book "How to Pick a Mate: The Guide to a Happy Marriage" ***
Copyright 2023 LibraryBlog. All rights reserved.